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+Project Gutenberg's The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers. Series 2, by Robert H. Newell
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers. Series 2
+
+Author: Robert H. Newell
+
+Release Date: December 26, 2010 [EBook #34754]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS, SERIES 2 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Chris Curnow, Henry Gardiner and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Transcriber's Note: Italics are indicated like _this_. The original
+publication has been replicated faithfully except as listed at the end
+of this text.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                                  THE
+
+                        ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS.
+
+                            SECOND SERIES.
+
+                               NEW YORK:
+                  _Carleton, Publisher, 413 Broadway._
+                       (LATE RUDD & CARLETON.)
+                             M DCCC LXIII.
+
+
+
+
+  Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1862.
+
+  BY GEO. W. CARLETON.
+
+  In the Clerk's office of the District Court
+  for the Southern District of New York.
+
+
+
+
+                                CONTENTS.
+
+
+                              LETTER LIII.
+
+  NOTING THE LAMENTABLE INCONVENIENCES OF A "PRESS-CENSORSHIP," AND
+      PARTIALLY REVEALING THE CIRCUMSTANCES ATTENDANT ON A MARVELLOUS
+      STRATEGIC CHANGE OF BASE BY THE MACKEREL BRIGADE                9
+
+                              LETTER LIV.
+
+  ILLUSTRATING THE DISASTROUS EFFECTS OF STRATEGY UPON NATIONAL
+      LITERATURE, AS EXEMPLIFIED IN THE ORIGINAL TALE READ BY OUR
+      CORRESPONDENT BEFORE THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB                     17
+
+                              LETTER LV.
+
+  SETTING FORTH A NEW VILLAINY OF THE BLACK REPUBLICANS, AND
+      DESCRIBING THE THRILLING CONSTITUTIONAL BATTLE OF DUCK LAKE    60
+
+                              LETTER LVI.
+
+  WHEREIN ARE PRESENTED SOME FEMININE REFERENCES, AN ANECDOTE BY THE
+      EXECUTIVE, AND CERTAIN NOTES OF A VISIT TO THE FESTIVE
+      SHENANDOAH VALLEY                                              69
+
+                              LETTER LVII.
+
+  SUGGESTING MENTAL RELAXATION FOR A TIME, AND INTRODUCING A FAMILIAR
+      SKETCH OF THE WAR-STRICKEN DRAMA IN THE RURAL DISTRICTS        80
+
+                              LETTER LVIII.
+
+  SHOWING HOW THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE ISSUED AN AFFECTING
+      GENERAL ORDER, EXEMPLIFYING THE BEAUTIES OF A SPADE CAMPAIGN AS
+      EXHIBITED IN STRATEGY HALL, AND CELEBRATING A NOTABLE CASE OF
+      NAVAL STRATEGY                                                 88
+
+                              LETTER LIX.
+
+  INSTANCING THE BENEFICENT DEPORTMENT OF THE VENERABLE GAMMON, AND
+      NOTING THE PERFORMANCE OF A REMARKABLE MORAL DRAMA BY CAPTAIN
+      VILLIAM BROWN                                                  97
+
+                              LETTER LX.
+
+  REPORTING THE SECOND REGULAR MEETING OF THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB, AND
+      THE BRITISH MEMBER'S CITATION OF THE ENGLISH POETS            105
+
+                              LETTER LXI.
+
+  PORTRAYING A SOCIAL EFFECT OF THE POSTAGE-STAMP CURRENCY,
+      DESCRIBING THE GREAT WAR MEETING IN ACCOMAC, RECORDING THE
+      LATEST EXPLOIT OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE, AND INTRODUCING A
+      DRAFTING ITEM                                                 118
+
+                              LETTER LXII.
+
+  CONTAINING FRESH TRIBUTES OF ADMIRATION TO THE DEVOTED WOMEN OF
+      AMERICA, AND DEVELOPING THE GREAT COLONIZATION SCHEME OF THE
+      GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE BLACK
+      RACE                                                          128
+
+                              LETTER LXIII.
+
+  GIVING A FAMILIAR ZOOLOGICAL ILLUSTRATION OF THE "SITUATION," AND
+      CELEBRATING THE BRILLIANT STRATEGICAL EVACUATION OF PARIS BY
+      THE MACKEREL BRIGADE                                          136
+
+                              LETTER LXIV.
+
+  SHOWING HOW THE CO-MOPOLITANS MET AGAIN, TO BE INTRODUCED TO THE
+      "NEUTRAL BRITISH GENTLEMAN," AND HEAR M. BONBON'S FRENCH
+      STORY                                                         143
+
+                              LETTER LXV.
+
+  NOTING THE REMARKABLE RETROGRADE ADVANCE OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE
+      UPON WASHINGTON, AND THE UNSEEMLY RAID OF THE RECKLESS
+      CONFEDERACY                                                   166
+
+                              LETTER LXVI.
+
+  IN WHICH OUR CORRESPONDENT ASTONISHES US BY ENGAGING IN SINGLE
+      COMBAT WITH M. MICHELET, AND DEMOLISHING "L'AMOUR" AND "LA
+      FEMME"                                                        174
+
+                              LETTER LXVII.
+
+  GIVING ASSURANCE OF THE UNMITIGATED SAFETY OF THE CAPITAL,
+      EXEMPLIFYING COLONEL WOBINSON'S DRAFTING EXPERIENCE, AND
+      NARRATING A GREAT METAPHYSICAL VICTORY                        184
+
+                              LETTER LXVIII.
+
+  INTRODUCING ONCE MORE THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB, WITH A CURIOUS
+      "LAMENT," AND A STORY FROM THE SPANISH MEMBER                 196
+
+                              LETTER LXIX.
+
+  ILLUSTRATING THE IMPERTURBABLE CALMNESS OF THE NATIONAL CAPITAL,
+      AND NOTING THE MEMORABLE INVASION OF ACCOMAC                  220
+
+                              LETTER LXX.
+
+  COMMENCING WITH HISTORICAL REFERENCE; RELATING THE EPISODE OF
+      SPURIOSO GRIMALDI, AND DETAILING THE LAMENTABLE FAILURE OF
+      CAPTAIN SAMYULE SA-MITH TO PERISH HEROICALLY                  228
+
+                              LETTER LXXI.
+
+  SHOWING HOW THE PRESIDENT AND THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE
+      ISSUED GREAT EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATIONS, AND HOW THE CHAPLAIN
+      WROTE A RADICAL POEM                                          238
+
+                              LETTER LXXII.
+
+  REPORTING THE LATEST SMALL STORY FROM "HONEST ABE," AND DESCRIBING
+      THE MOST MERCENARY BAYONET CHARGE ON RECORD                   250
+
+                              LETTER LXXIII.
+
+  MAKING MENTION OF ANOTHER MEETING OF THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB, AT
+      WHICH THE TURKISH AND RUSSIAN MEMBERS READ THEIR STORIES      260
+
+                              LETTER LXXIV.
+
+  CONCERNING THE SERIOUS MISTAKE OF THE VENERABLE GAMMON, THE
+      CHAPLAIN'S POETICAL DISCOVERY, THE PROMOTION OF COMMODORE HEAD,
+      AND THE RECEPTION OF THE PRESIDENT'S PROCLAMATION BY THE
+      SOUTHERN CONFEDERACY                                          299
+
+                              LETTER LXXV.
+
+  SETTING FORTH THE FALSE AND TRUE ASPECTS OF BEAMING OLD AGE
+      RESPECTIVELY, AND SHOWING HOW THE UNBLUSHING CONFEDERACY MADE
+      ANOTHER RAID                                                  310
+
+                              LETTER LXXVI.
+
+  REFERRING TO THE MOSQUITO AS A TEST OF HUMAN NATURE, EXPLAINING THE
+      LONG HALT OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE, AND NOTING THE COURT OF
+      INQUIRY ON CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN                              320
+
+                              LETTER LXXVII.
+
+  SHOWING WHAT EFFECT DEMOCRATIC TRIUMPHS HAVE UPON THE PRESIDENT,
+      NOTING OUR CORRESPONDENT'S STRANGE MISTAKE ABOUT A BRITISH
+      FLAG, AND INDICATING THE STRATEGIC ADVANCE OF THE MACKEREL
+      BRIGADE                                                       328
+
+                              LETTER LXXVIII.
+
+  IN WHICH THE STORY TOLD BY THE GERMAN MEMBER OF THE COSMOPOLITAN
+      CLUB IS DULY REPORTED                                         337
+
+                              LETTER LXXIX.
+
+  SHOWING HOW THE NATIONAL INSANITARY COMMITTEE MADE A STRANGE
+      BLUNDER; HOW THE BELOVED GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE WAS
+      REMOVED AND EXALTED; AND ENDING WITH AN INFALLIBLE RECIPE     358
+
+
+
+
+                                  THE
+
+                        ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS.
+
+                             SECOND SERIES.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LIII.
+
+  NOTING THE LAMENTABLE INCONVENIENCES OF A "PRESS-CENSORSHIP," AND
+      PARTIALLY REVEALING THE CIRCUMSTANCES ATTENDANT ON A MARVELLOUS
+      STRATEGIC CHANGE OF BASE BY THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
+
+
+                                      WASHINGTON, D. C., July 6, 1862.
+
+When in the course of human events, my boy, it becomes necessary for a
+chap of respectable parentage to write a full and graphic account of a
+great battle, without exasperating the press-censor by naming the
+locality of the conflict, nor giving the number of the troops engaged,
+the officers commanding, the movements of the different regiments, the
+nature of the ground, the time of day, or the result of the struggle;
+when it becomes necessary for a chap of respectable parentage to do
+this, my boy, that chap reminds me of a poor chap I once knew in the
+Sixth Ward.
+
+The poor chap took daguerreotype-likenesses in high style for low
+prices, and one day, there came to his third-story Louvre a
+good-looking young man, dressed in a high botanical vest-pattern and
+six large-sized breast-pins, and says he to the picture chap,
+confidentially:
+
+"There's a young woman living in Henry-street, which I love, and who
+admires to see my manly shape; but her paternal father refuses to
+receive me into the family on account of my low celery. Now," says the
+breastpin-chap, knowingly, "I will give you just twenty-five dollars if
+you'll go to that house and take the portrait of that young lady for
+me, pretending that you have heard of her unearthly charms, and want
+her picture, to add to the collection shortly to be sent to the Prince
+of Wales."
+
+Having witnessed the worst passions of his landlord that morning, my
+boy, and received a telegraphic dispatch of immediate importance from
+his tailor, the artist chap heard about the twenty-five dollar job with
+a species of deep rapture, and undertook to do the job. He went to the
+Henry-street palatial mansion with his smallest camera under his arm,
+and when he got into the parlor he sent for the young lady. But she
+didn't see it in that light, my boy, and she wouldn't come down. For a
+moment the poor chap was in a fix; but he was there to take her
+portrait, or perish in the attempt, and as he saw an oil-painting of
+the young girl over the mantelpiece, he took that, and skedaddled. The
+next day the breastpin-chap called at his Louvre again, and says to him:
+
+"Have you taken Sary's portrait?"
+
+"Yes," says the artist chap, "I took it."
+
+"Where is it?" says the breastpin-chap with emotion.
+
+"There it is," says the artist-chap, pointing to the oil-painting, with
+a pleasing expression of countenance.
+
+As high art is not appreciated in this country, my boy, a policeman
+called at the Louvre that afternoon and removed the artist-chap to a
+place which is so musical that all the windows have bars, and each man
+carries a stave.
+
+As my taste for music is not uncontrollable at present, my boy, and I
+can't write a full account of a battle, without referring in some
+degree to the struggle, which we are forbidden to mention, I shall not
+be particular as to details.
+
+I am permitted to say that I went down to Paris with my gothic steed
+Pegasus on Monday last, and found the Mackerel Brigade coming back
+across Duck Lake with the frantic intention of changing its base of
+operations. The Conic Section, my boy, had been ordered to advance and
+force the Southern Confederacy to compel it to retreat, and the
+rapidity with which this was accomplished was a brilliant vindication
+of the consummate strategy of the general of the Mackerel Brigade. I
+found the general a few miles back of the scene of action issuing
+orders--for the same, with a little more sugar, and says I:
+
+"Well, my indefatigable Napoleon, have you changed your base
+successfully?"
+
+The general smiled like a complacent porpoise, and says he:
+
+"We've reached our second base, my friend, being compelled to do so by
+the treble force of the enemy."
+
+I went on to the second base, which I reached just in time to see
+Captain Villiam Brown, on his geometrical steed Euclid, arresting the
+flight of Company 3, Regiment 5, under Captain Samyule Sa-mith.
+
+"Samyule! Samyule!" says Villiam, feeling behind him to make sure that
+his canteen was all right, "is this the way you treat the United States
+of America at such a critical period in her distracted history?"
+
+"I scorn your insinivation," says Samyule, "and repel your observation.
+I am executing a rapid flank movement according to Hardee."
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, "excuse my flighty remarks. I do not mean to say
+that you can be frightened," says Villiam, soothingly; "but it's my
+opinion that your mother was very much annoyed by a large-sized _fly_
+just before you were added to the census of the United States of
+America."
+
+Villiam's idea of the connection between cause and effect, my boy, is
+as clear as a brandy-punch when the sugar settles.
+
+The battle now raged in a manner which I am not permitted to describe,
+with results I am not allowed to communicate. Villiam appeared wherever
+the fray was the thickest, waving his celebrated sword Escalibar
+(Anglo-Saxon of crowbar), and encouraging all the faint-hearted ones to
+get between himself and the blazing Confederacy. Borne a considerable
+distance backward by the force of circumstances, he had reached a
+comparatively clear spot in the rear, when he suddenly found himself
+confronted by Captain Munchausen, of the Southern Confederacy.
+
+Captain Munchausen was mounted upon the thinnest excuse for four legs
+that I ever saw, my boy; and what tempted nature to form such an excuse
+when the same amount of bone-work would have brought more money, it was
+not for mortal man to know.
+
+"Ha!" says Villiam, hastily reining-up Euclid, and touching his sword
+Escalibar, ominously, "we meet once more to discuss the great national
+question of personal carnage."
+
+"Sir," says Captain Munchausen, superciliously waving his keen edged
+poker and drawing his fiery steed up from his knees, "it is my private
+intention to produce some slaughter in a private family of the name of
+Brown."
+
+Fire flashed from Villiam's eyes, he replaced a small flask in his
+bosom, and says he:
+
+"Come on, and let the fight come off."
+
+Then, my boy, commenced a series of equestrian manoeuvres calculated to
+exemplify all the latest improvements in cavalry tactics and patent
+circusses.--Round and round each other rode the fierce foemen, bobbing
+convulsively in their saddles like exasperated jumping-jacks, and
+cutting the atmosphere into minute slices with their deadly blades. Now
+did the determined Villiam amble sideways toward the rebel, thrusting
+fiercely at him when only a few yards intervened between them; and anon
+did the foaming Munchausen wriggle fiercely backward against the
+haunches of the steed Euclid, slashing right and left with tumultuous
+perspiration.
+
+It was when this thrilling combat was at the hottest that the steed
+Euclid, being exasperated by a large blue-bottle fly, arose airily to
+his hind legs, and carried the Union champion right on top of his
+enemy. Down came the glittering Escalibar on the shoddy helmet of the
+astonished Munchausen; but the deadly blade was not sharp enough for
+its purpose, and only caused the foeman to make hasty profane remarks.
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, bitterly, eyeing his sword as Euclid waltzed
+backward, "I forgot to sharpen my brand after cutting that last plate
+of smoke-beef."
+
+"Surrender!" shouted the unmanly Munchausen, noticing that Villiam was
+sheathing his blade, and bearing gracefully down upon him in an
+elaborate equestrian polka.
+
+"Never!" says Villiam, drawing his revolver, and firing madly into the
+setting sun.
+
+Swiftly as the lightning flashes did the Confederate champion follow
+suit with his pistol, sending a bullet horribly whizzing into the
+nearest tree.
+
+"Die!" shouted Villiam, prancing excitedly in all directions, and
+delivering another shot. Then he gazed upon his revolver with an
+expression of inexpressible woe. The weapon had deceived him!
+
+"Perish!" roared Munchausen, discharging another barrel as he went
+hopping about. After which, he ground his teeth, and gazed upon his
+pistol with speechless fury. The weapon had played him false!
+
+I was gazing with breathless interest on this desperate encounter, my
+boy, expecting to see more slaughter, when Captain Munchausen suddenly
+turned his spirited stallion, and fled frantically from the scene; for
+he had heard the shouts of the approaching Mackerels, and did not care
+to be taken just then.
+
+"Ha!" says Villiam, gazing severely at Company 3, Regiment 5, as it
+came pouring forward, "has the Southern Confederacy concluded to submit
+to the United States of America?"
+
+What the answer was, my boy, I am not allowed to say; but you may rest
+satisfied that a thing has been done which I am not permitted to
+divulge; and should this lead, as I hope it will, to a movement I am
+not suffered to make public, it cannot fail to result in a consummation
+which I am forbidden to make known. But if, on the other hand, the
+strategic movement which I am not at liberty to describe should be
+followed by a stroke I am restrained from explaining, you will find
+that the effect it would not be judicious in me to set forth, will
+produce a consequence which the War Department denies me the privilege
+of developing.
+
+I was speaking to a New England Congress chap, this morning, concerning
+the recent events which I am compelled to remain silent about, and,
+says he: "The proper way to save the Union is to bewilder the rebels by
+issuing calls for fresh troops at breakfast-time, and countermanding
+the calls as soon as the coffee comes in. Strategy," says the grave
+legislative chap, thoughtfully, "is not confined to the tented field;
+it may be used with good effect by Cabinet ministers; and our recent
+proposal to reduce the army 150,000 men was a piece of consummate
+legislative strategy."
+
+Legislative strategy is a very good thing to bewilder the rebels, my
+boy; and if it also bewilders everybody else, the moral effect of the
+adjournment of Congress will prove rather beneficial than otherwise to
+our distracted country.
+
+                                   Yours, under suppression,
+                                                        ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                               LETTER LIV.
+
+  ILLUSTRATING THE DISASTROUS EFFECTS OF STRATEGY UPON NATIONAL
+      LITERATURE, AS EXEMPLIFIED IN THE ORIGINAL TALE READ BY OUR
+      CORRESPONDENT BEFORE THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB.
+
+
+                                      WASHINGTON, D. C., July 9th, 1862.
+
+A few weeks ago, my boy, when national strategy seemed rapidly coming
+to a distinct understanding with the American Eagle, and the fall of
+Richmond had resolved itself into a mere question of time--as slightly
+distinguished from Eternity,--I became a member of the Cosmopolitan
+Club.
+
+This club, my boy, is a select draft from the host of clumsy but
+respectable foreigners now assembled here to criticize the military
+performances of our distracted country, and I have the honor to
+represent my native land, _solus_, in it. Its members are, a civilized
+Russian chap named Vitchisvitch, a Turk named N. E. Ottoman, an
+Englishman named Smith-Brown, a Frenchman named Bonbon, a German named
+Tuyfeldock, a Spaniard and myself.
+
+The object of this small international organization, which meets once
+every three weeks, is to advance the cause of free and easy literature
+in the lulls of national strife, and preserve coherent ideality and
+tolerable grammar from falling into disuse. The foreign chaps, my boy,
+all speak much better English than a majority of our brigadiers; and in
+order to give a system to our proceedings, it has been resolved, that
+each of us, in turn, shall relate an old-fashioned story relating to
+his own particular country; and that all shall take pains to contribute
+miscellaneous items for the general delectation of the club.
+
+The privilege of producing the first story was voted to me, my boy, and
+at the meeting of the Cosmopolitan last evening, I produced from my
+pocket a manuscript already secured from me by a wealthy journal
+(VANITY FAIR.--ED.) for a fabulous sum, and proceeded to regale
+assembled Europe with
+
+
+                           A QUARTER OF TWELVE.
+
+
+                     CHAPTER I.--F. F. VICISSITUDES.
+
+The forces of the Southern Confederacy--so called because a majority of
+them were forced into the service--had just won another glorious
+victory over their disinclination to retreat, and were rapidly
+following it up, propelled by the National Army. The richest and best
+blood of the South was profusely running for the cause to which it was
+devoted, accompanied by those notable possessors in whose cases it
+poured in vein.
+
+Seated at his breakfast-table in the city of Richmond, with his wife
+for a _vis-a-vis_ at a board that might well have groaned for more
+things than one, and his daughter at his right hand, was Mr. ORDETH, a
+scion of one of those Virginia Families very properly designated as
+"First" for the reason that no other Families on earth have ever felt
+inclined to second them in anything.
+
+Mr. ORDETH was a personage of fiery and chivalrous visage, from the
+lower circumference of which depended iron-grey whiskers, so similar in
+shape to the caudal appendage of a mule, that one might suppose nature
+to have intended the construction of an _asinus domesticus_ when first
+she commenced to mould the mortal material, but, having inadvertently
+planted the tail at the wrong end, was satisfied to finish him off as a
+man. His hair was too much of a brush in its own character to agree
+well with an artificial brush in the objective case; he wore a _robe de
+chambre_ richly illustrated with impossible flowers growing on
+improbable soil--let us say on holey ground; his nether continuations
+were spotted here and there with diminutive banners of broadcloth
+secession, and it was noticeable as he stretched his feet under the
+table that his slippers had once done duty as crochet watch-cases.
+
+The table spread for the morning meal was peculiarly Virginiatic, being
+very rich in plate and poor in provender; for hoe-cake and fried
+Carolina potatoes were the only eatables visible, whilst the usual
+places of coffee-pot, bread-plate and salt-cellar were supplied with
+cards inscribed: "Coffee $20 per lb., in consequence of
+Blockade."--"Flour $24 per bbl."--"Salt $25 per lb." If any member of
+the Family felt inclined to wish for any of these last articles, he, or
+she, had but to glance at the card substitutes to lose instantaneously
+all appetite for said articles. There was philosophy in this idea, _mon
+ami_.
+
+"LIBBY," said Mr. ORDETH, addressing his daughter, whose auburn curls
+and pretty face were none the less attractive because they crowned what
+seemed to be a troubled fountain of extremely loud calico with a dash
+of moonlight on top--"LIBBY," said he, "pass me the morning journal."
+
+The morning journal, which had recently augmented its value as a family
+and commercial sheet by coming out on superior wrapping paper, was
+passed to her father by LIBBY, she having first satisfied herself, with
+a sigh of disappointment, that the list of deaths did not contain the
+name of a single one of her friends.
+
+Woman, _mon ami_, does not regard death as you and I do. To her it is a
+sleep in which the slumberer himself becomes a dream for the rest of
+the world; and its announcement is to her the mere evening breeze that
+softly lifts another leaf in the sacred Volume of Memory, and lets the
+starlight, falling through a shower of tears, rest on a name henceforth
+to live immortal in the heart. I was told this by a young lady who
+wears spectacles and writes for the Boston press.
+
+As Mr. ORDETH perused the latest news from the seat of war, his bosom
+heaved to such an extent that one or two of the pins confining the
+front of his dressing-gown to his throat gave out. "HONORIA," said he,
+addressing his quiet little wife, who was spasmodically eating and
+repairing a rent in her dress simultaneously,--"we have again defeated
+the hordes of LINCOLN, and I think, my dear, that we had better get
+ready to leave Richmond. The _Enquirer_ says: 'Yesterday a half a
+hundred of our troops were attacked near Fredericksburg by nearly forty
+thousand Yankees, whom they compelled to retreat after them toward this
+city. We took four hundred prisoners who will be demanded of the enemy
+immediately, and all of our men, save the messenger bringing the news,
+are now briskly pushing forward in the direction of Fort Lafayette.'
+You see, my dear, we always whip them inland. The Yankees gain all
+their victories on water."
+
+Which is very true; for it is as much a fact that the national troops
+win their triumphs on water, as it is that the rebels do _their_ best
+on whiskey.
+
+Mrs. ORDETH made no verbal reply to her husband's exultations, but
+assumed that simpering expression of countenance by which ladies are
+accustomed to denote their amiable willingness to swallow without
+question whatever the speaker may say.
+
+"Providence is evidently favorable to the South," continued the head of
+the Family, impressively, "and has thus far treated us in a gentlemanly
+manner; but should it happen, HONORIA, that the Hessian vandals of
+LINCOLN _should_ reach this city, I myself will be the first to fire
+all I hold dear, rather than let it fall into the hands of the invader.
+Yes!" exclaimed Mr. ORDETH with enthusiasm, rising from his chair and
+moving excitedly toward the door of the apartment,--"with my own hands
+would I apply the torch to you and to my child."
+
+"O VICTOR," said Mrs. ORDETH, with tears springing to her eyes, "I
+reckon you would."
+
+"Aside from the wrongs of the South," continued the inspired ORDETH,
+pushing his bowie-knife a little further round behind his back, that it
+might not hurt his hip,--"we have Family losses to avenge. Only
+yesterday, my uncle was struck at Yorktown with a shell that completely
+tore his head from his body."
+
+"How perfectly absurd!" ejaculated the hitherto silent LIBBY.
+
+"Why it's actually ridiculous," said Mrs. ORDETH.
+
+And so it was. The sex have a keen perception of the ludicrous.
+
+"How I wish that our vigilants had caught that low-minded Abolition
+whelp, PETERS," continued the Virginian, grinding his teeth; "but he
+disappeared so suddenly that day, that I was entirely bewildered. To
+think that the hound--my cousin's son as he is--should dare to demand
+payment of a bill from a Southern gentleman! He will find congenial
+souls among LINCOLN'S hordes, I reckon."
+
+The speaker evidently recognized the fact that a man with a bill to
+collect would derive very little benefit from Southern hoards, at any
+rate.
+
+A close observer might have noticed that Miss LIBBY'S cheeks betrayed
+the faintest tint of virgin wine at this last speech of her father's;
+but as it is not my business to inquire the wine wherefore of
+everything, I shall say no more about that at present.
+
+While speaking, the paternal ORDETH had placed his hand unconsciously
+as it were on the knob of the door; and now, with a sudden movement, he
+opened the door. Or rather, he simply turned the knob; for the door
+fairly forced itself open against him, and there unexpectedly tumbled
+half way into the room a somewhat venerable person from Afric's sunny
+fountains. From the manner in which this colored person fell across the
+sill, it was evident that he had been upon his knees the instant before.
+
+The ladies uttered little shrieks and then went on with their hoe-cake;
+but Mr. ORDETH viewed the intruder with a glance of suspicion.
+
+"JOCKO, you black reskel!" said he, in a suppressed manner, "what are
+you doing here?"
+
+The oppressed African, who, like most slaves was pious, rose to his
+feet with touching humility, and said he:
+
+"Ise watchin', Mars'r, for de Angel of de Lor'."
+
+"Oh," returned the haughty Virginian, scorning to show how deeply he
+was affected, "you're watchin' for that, are you?"
+
+"Yes, Mars'r," said the attached slave; "and I hab pray dat my good
+Mars'r may gib up drinkin' and be one of the good angels too. Oh,
+Mars'r ORDETH, I hab wrastle much for you in prayer."
+
+I know not how that slaveholder's heart was affected by this beautiful
+instance of his humble bondman's devotion; but I do know, _mon ami_,
+that he reached forth his right hand, seized the chattel by the collar,
+and was heard to carry on a blasphemous conversation with him for the
+space of fifteen minutes thereafter, in the hall.
+
+
+              CHAPTER II.--"ROBERT, ROBERT TOI QUE J'AIME."
+
+In a room directly over the one last mentioned--a room whose only
+furniture was a rude bedstead, a looking-glass with a writing-table
+under it and a gas-bracket extending half way across it, and a lounge
+extemporized from three tea-boxes and a quilt--stood Mr. BOB PETERS,
+aged twenty-three, a bachelor and a fellow man. The time was just
+twenty-four hours after the scene depicted in my first chapter, and as
+the rays of the sunny Southern sun poured through a window upon the
+figure of Mr. BOB PETERS, they revealed an individual who was evidently
+unable, just then, to make a raise himself.
+
+ROBERT was a tall, smooth-faced, good-natured-looking youth, wearing a
+coat that buttoned up to his very chin and was painfully shiney at its
+various angles, corners, and button-holes; a pair of inexpressibles
+very roomy and equally glossy about the knees; a brace of carpet
+slippers, and (although indoors) a hat in a "Marie Stuart" condition.
+That is to say, the style of hat worn thus inappropriately by Mr. BOB
+PETERS, corresponded to a fashion in vogue with the ladies not long
+ago, when the latter imagined that a bonnet very much mashed down in
+front caused each and all of them to present a touching and life-like
+resemblance to the unfortunate Queen of Scots. In fact, this bonnet did
+really give them just about such a frightened look as they might be
+supposed to wear should some modern ELIZABETH TUDOR order them all to
+instant execution.
+
+Adding to the consideration of Mr. BOB PETERS' severely straitened
+costume the fact that he was smoking an incredibly cheap segar, it is
+reasonable to infer that he was rather hard-up when awake and not much
+troubled with soft down when asleep.
+
+Viewing Mr. BOB PETERS financially and judging him by a golden rule,
+one could see about him considerable that was due unto others, as each
+of the others was likely to be dun unto him.
+
+"Bless my soul!" soliloquized Mr. BOB PETERS, hastily turning from a
+long and profound contemplation of himself in the mirror and commencing
+to pace noiselessly up and down the room,--"here's misery! Shut up in
+the garret of one of the First Families, with a chap thirsting for my
+blood at the head of the domestic circle down stairs, and the whole
+Confederacy ready to bolt me without salt--which is very dear here just
+now. Here's a situation for an unmarried man!" exclaimed Mr. BOB
+PETERS, insanely tearing his "Marie Stuart" from his head and bitterly
+crunching it in his hand--"confined here as a prisoner by the young
+woman of my affections to save my life from her own father's sanguinary
+designs. Upon my soul!" groaned Mr. BOB PETERS, drearily slapping his
+left leg, "it's enough to make me take to drinking, and I--"
+
+"Dear BOB!"
+
+Were you ever awakened from a horrid nightmare dream of capital
+punishment and sudden death, _mon ami_, by the soft, persuasive voice
+of woman calling you to a breakfast of etherial rolls and new-born
+eggs? If so, you can understand the feelings of Mr. PETERS when these
+fond words roused him from his terrible reverie.
+
+He spun blithely round on his dexter heel, absorbed the faithful LIBBY
+to his manly breast, and incontinently kissed for his lips a coating of
+lustrous bandoline from the head of the fashionable maiden.
+
+"Oh bliss!" ejaculated Mr. BOB PETERS, standing on one foot by way of
+intensifying the sensation, "my angel visits me in my dungeon, as
+angels visited other good men in the Scriptures."
+
+"Oh BOB, how you do smell of smoke," said the devoted LIBBY.
+
+"And thanks to your thoughtfulness for the regalias which have so
+lightened my lonely hours, since the day when you brought me up to this
+room and then told a virtuous and unsuspecting police that I had fled
+in the direction of the _aurora borealis_. By the way LIBBY," said Mr.
+BOB PETERS, thoughtfully, "my segar-lighters are all out, and if you
+_could_ make me a few more out of the rest of those Confederate
+Treasury Notes--"
+
+"I will, I will," responded Miss ORDETH, lifting first one white
+shoulder and then the other, as though she would thereby work down her
+waist more firmly into the belt formed by Mr. BOB PETERS' right arm;
+"but now, dear BOB, we must think of how you are to be got safely away
+from this house and out of the city. If my pa should find out that you
+have been here all this time, when he thought you were running for dear
+life, he would--I really believe"--said Miss LIBBY ORDETH, with
+increasing eyes, "that he would actually apply the torch to me without
+waiting for the Yankees!"
+
+Mr. BOB PETERS shuddered and turned pale, barely saving himself from
+fainting by clasping his companion more tightly and leaning heavily
+against her lips.
+
+The infatuated girl did not see the face peering in through the half
+open door behind her, as she continued:--
+
+"_Quarter-past twelve is the hour_, BOB, though I can't say on what
+night it shall be, yet. You must be already to start on any night, and
+in the meantime our meetings are, if possible, to be continued."
+
+"You say that quarter-past twelve is the hour?" observed Mr. PETERS,
+reflectively, patting the head against his shoulder in a somewhat
+paternal manner.
+
+"Yes, dear BOB; and I wish I could be sure of pa's going to bed earlier
+than that; for I know it will be hard for you to go out into the street
+at that time of night. You are not accustomed to such late hours at
+home."
+
+And, indeed, he was not; for Mr. BOB PETERS' "hours" at home were apt
+to be considerably later, especially when he went into morning for some
+dear friend.
+
+"Sweet innocence!" exclaimed the young man, much affected by this
+evidence of thoughtfulness in his behalf, "your kindness almost makes
+me forget the treatment I have experienced at the hands of your being's
+author."
+
+"I think you can get off next Sunday night," continued LIBBY, "if
+brother is sergeant of the guard; for he promised to see that you got
+across the bridge and past the patrol. JOCKO will open the street door
+for you when you start: and I want you to send me word, if you can,
+after you get to New-York, what kind of bonnets they're going to wear
+this summer."
+
+"Dear girl!" murmured BOB, fondly, "I'll find out the style and mention
+it to one of our Generals, who will let you know by note, as soon as he
+arrives here."
+
+"Dear BOB!--but I must go now. Is there anything I can send you to make
+you more comfortable?"
+
+As they stood there facing each other, Mr. BOB PETERS closed his right
+eye for an instant, and suffered the muscles of his month to relax,
+thereby expressing some want too deep for words.
+
+"You shall have it," said the young girl, turning to leave the room. At
+the door she was met by JOCKO, who entered as she passed out, for the
+ostensible purpose of removing the remains of the captive's recent
+surreptitious breakfast.
+
+The sound of the maiden's light footsteps soon died away in the
+passage, like the vibrations of a high-strung instrument in a passage
+of music, and the two men stood alone together.
+
+There they were--the White and the Black; the one a freeman in all save
+being deprived of his liberty; the other a slave in all save being
+unrestricted of his freedom. Who could tell what was working in the
+mind of each? Who should draw the line between those men, when all was
+dark for the white and a luckless wight was the black? Who should say
+that the white man was anything better than the black man, that the
+latter should bear the bonds of slavery--bonds as hard to bear even as
+Confederate bonds? Look at inanimate nature. Is it not the _White_ of
+an egg that bears the yolk? Then why should the white man turn the yoke
+altogether over to the black man? But I must refuse to follow out this
+great metaphysical question any further. The weather is too warm. I
+will leave it to the Awful and Unfathomable German Mind, which delights
+to toy heavily with the elephants of Thought.
+
+"Mars'r," said JOCKO, handing a folded paper to the fugitive prisoner,
+"dis was gub to me for you by my chile EFRUM, dat b'longs to Missus
+ADAMS; and I hope, Mas'r, dat you will read um with fear an' trem'lin,
+for the Lor' is very good to let you lib in your great sins, Mars'r."
+
+How beautiful, _mon ami_, is that strong spirit of piety we often find
+developed in the uncultivated, like the rich oyster found on the barren
+sea-shore. Taken in connection with the children of HAM, it is as
+mustard to a sandwich, for moving us to occasional tears.
+
+Mr. BOB PETERS waved the faithful black from his presence, and read the
+note, which ran thus:
+
+"MR. PETERS,--SIR:--Though, as a daughter of the Sonny South, I cannot
+but regard you as a traitor to our country, the memory of past hours in
+my soul-life induces me to act toward you as a heart-friend. I have
+heard, through those faithful beings of which your friends would rob
+and murder us, that you are a prisoner, and will save you. Contrive to
+get out of the house in some way on Sunday (to-morrow) evening, at _a
+quarter of twelve_, and you will find those waiting for you who will
+deliver you for a time from our vengeance. It is the impulsive
+heart-throb of a weak woman that bids me do this--not the
+spirit-aspiration of the Southern daughter.
+
+                                                          "EVE ADAMS."
+
+Mr. BOB PETERS lowered the hand holding the note until it rested
+heavily on his right knee, and gazed before him, as he sat on his
+couch, with a puzzled expression of countenance. He had been sitting in
+this way, perfectly motionless, for five minutes perhaps, when the door
+was gently pushed open a few inches, a dainty white hand came through
+the aperture, deposited a mysterious black bottle on the floor very
+softly, and disappeared as it came. In an instant, Mr. PETERS sprang to
+his feet, dashed the note to the ground, seized the bottle, and
+immediately applied it to his lips with great enthusiasm.
+
+His Mistress had understood that last subtle glance he gave her. With
+the wonderful insight of man's deeper nature peculiar to girls about
+eighteen years old, she had divined the one thing required to make the
+captive comfortable.
+
+Oh, woman, woman! In the language of a revised poet--
+
+  "Without the smile from partial beauty won,
+  Ah, what were man!--a world without a son!"
+
+
+                    CHAPTER III.--THE WIDOW'S MITE.
+
+The ADAMSES resided in one of the aristocratic by ways crossing Main
+Street, and were directly descended from those distinguished and
+chivalric _anciens pauvres_ of the Old Dominion, who boasted the blood
+of the English cavaliers, and were a terror to their foes and
+creditors. ADAMS, the husband and father, was a fine specimen of the
+Southern gentleman in his day, possessing an estate in Louisa County,
+so completely covered with mortgages that no heir could get to it, and
+having won great fame by inventing an entirely new and singularly
+humorous oath for the benefit of a Yankee governess, when that despised
+hireling presumed to ask for a portion of her last year's salary. He
+might have lived to a green old age, but for the extraordinary joy he
+experienced at having negotiated a second mortgage on some property not
+worth quite half the first, which filled this worthy man with such
+exceeding great joy, that he drank rather more at a sitting than would
+start an ordinary hotel-bar, and died soon after of _delirium tremens_,
+as such noble and chivalric souls are very apt to do. The family left
+by the lamented ADAMS, consisting of a wife and one child--a daughter,
+at once assumed the most becoming style of mourning, moved in a funeral
+procession through society for six months, and then resigned themselves
+to the will of Providence with that beautiful cheerfulness which may
+either denote a high order of Christianity, or a low order of memory,
+as the case may be.
+
+At the period of which the present veracious history treats, the
+bereaved mother and daughter were living in subdued style in the
+locality designated above. Among their most intimate associates were
+the ORDETHS, between whose family and theirs there existed that
+pleasing and kindly familiarity which permits the most open recognition
+of mutual virtues in society and the most searching criticism of
+individual weaknesses at home. The ADAMSES and ORDETHS met at each
+other's houses with gushes of endearment that edified all beholders;
+and if Miss EVE said to her mother on their way home from church that
+LIBBY ORDETH looked like a perfect fright in that ridiculous new bonnet
+of hers, it was only because her affectionate heart felt a pang at
+seeing her bosom-friend appear to less advantage than her own
+self-sacrificing self.
+
+It is a touching peculiarity of this modern friendship, _mon ami_, that
+a majority of the errors its fairest votaries detect in each other, are
+those of the head--not of the heart. EVE ADAMS, whose diminutive size
+had given occasion to the _mot_ by which she was denominated the
+"Widow's Mite," was calling at the ORDETHS when Mr. BOB PETERS first
+came in under a flag of truce from Fortress Monroe, and was witness to
+the chivalric reception accorded to that gentleman by his relatives,
+before his pecuniary mission was known. In the exuberance of his
+nature, Mr. PETERS had kissed her with the rest of the family, and from
+the moment of receiving that chaste salutation, EVE had selected the
+Northern stranger as her hero in that ideal novel of spiritual
+yellow-covers in which all maidens live, and move and have their beings
+until stern reality bursts upon them in the shape of a husband or a
+snub.
+
+From thenceforth she was a frequent visitor at the ORDETHS, and laid
+close siege to the gay ROBERT'S heart with all the languishment deemed
+necessary in such cases, and a tremendous flirtation was going on
+before the maiden discovered that the affections of the youth were
+already given to another. Then came a revulsion of feeling, opening the
+eyes of the Widow's Mite to the fact that Mr. BOB PETERS was a thieving
+abolitionist, unworthy the toleration of any true daughter of the
+South. After this overpowering revelation, it was the first thought of
+EVE ADAMS to at once inform the festive PETERS of the utter detestation
+in which she held him, and a favorable opportunity soon offered. At a
+social gathering at the ORDETH'S, she had withdrawn for a moment to an
+ante-room, for the purpose of drawing from her bosom an elegant silver
+snuff-box, dipping therein a small brush, and subsequently applying the
+same to her pearly teeth, when Mr. BOB PETERS entered unannounced, and
+agreeably demanded a "pinch." The situation was favorable to an avowal
+of enmity, and a suitable expression was rising to the lips of the
+maiden, when the thought of a still keener revenge kept her silent, and
+she contented herself with a temporary sneer and a majestic exit from
+the apartment.
+
+It was soon after this incident that Mr. BOB PETERS' presentation to
+Mr. ORDETH of the bill for furniture which he had been empowered to
+collect by a New York house, reminded the latter that it was his duty,
+as a patriot, to sacrifice even his cousin's son for the good of the
+Confederacy. With the stern self-devotion of an ancient Roman, Mr.
+ORDETH not only accused his hapless relative of flagrant Abolitionism,
+but at once made arrangements with the military authorities for that
+relative's immediate incarceration as an enemy to the Commonwealth. An
+enemy to the Commonwealth of Virginia must be indeed an unnatural
+wretch; for no such wealth is known to be in existence just now, and
+enmity to the dead is a thing inexcusable. It was a crime of which Mr.
+BOB PETERS was incapable; yet would he have suffered for it, had not
+the devoted LIBBY concealed him in the hour of danger.
+
+Of this concealment, Miss EVE had learned from EFRUM, the son of JOCKO,
+though she knew not how long it was to be continued.
+
+
+              CHAPTER IV.--"TWO HEARTS THAT BEAT AS ONE."
+
+Several of the Richmond churches were opened that Sunday night, and
+thither repaired many of the Cottonocracy, devotional children of Bale,
+to implore Providence in behalf of an army whose heroes have generally
+appeared, in the eyes of the Federal troops, to be wholly Leave-ites.
+The recent intelligence of "another confederate victory," at
+Williamsburg, had added a finishing touch to the panic created by
+reports of the triumphal retreat from Yorktown previously received, and
+the fervor of Richmond's piety on that evening was eminently worthy of
+a city liable at any moment to be cannonized. The reverend clergy of
+the rebel capital selected their texts from Exodus by instinct, as it
+were, and proved so conclusively that the Yankee invader was no man,
+that the listening congregations were impressed with an instructive and
+repentant sense of their own wickedness, (for they are the wicked who
+invariably flee when "no man" pursueth,) and several members evinced
+their new-born disgust at this sinful world by resolutely closing their
+eyes upon it at once.
+
+In his pew sat Mr. VICTOR E. ORDETH, with his wife and son, the latter
+a member of the Richmond Home Guard. Stiff and erect he sat, like a
+solemn note of admiration in a printer's case, ready to be used at the
+end of any sounding passages, suffering an expression of weighty
+approval to cross his countenance when the preacher hoped the same
+planets might not thereafter be destined to shine on the North and the
+South.
+
+And well he might; for there had been something in the late capture of
+New Orleans and other ports by the Union fleets to impress the Southern
+mind with no small dread of the North's tar.
+
+LIBBY remained at home under plea of sick-headache; but no sooner were
+her parents fairly out of the house, than said plea proved to be
+entirely invalid. At least, the young lady darted to her own private
+room in a very sprightly manner, brought out from thence a small
+package, and finally repaired to the apartment wherein Mr. BOB PETERS
+kept solitary vigils and a bright lookout. Before passing in, however,
+she paused to have a few words with the faithful JOCKO, whom she
+discovered on his knees before the door of the captive's cell, with his
+right eye slightly to the left of the knob.
+
+"JOCKO!" she exclaimed, reproachfully, "what are you doing here, you
+ridiculous thing?"
+
+"Miss LIBBY," said the humble servitor, looming dimly in the shadow of
+the hall as he slowly arose from his feet, "Ise ben prayin' dat you
+might become a christian, and one ob these days, when de great
+Hallelugerum come, hab wings and a harp."
+
+Scarcely were these affecting words uttered, when Mr. PETERS tore open
+the door rather disrespectfully, so greatly discomposing the devoted
+black that the latter incontinently fled.
+
+"My dear girl," said BOB, leading his fair visitor into the room, "I'm
+delighted to see you. The shutters are up, the gas is lit, and I'm
+prepared to do the sentimental. Oh-um-m--Lubin's Extracts!" ejaculated
+Mr. BOB PETERS. For he had kissed her.
+
+"There, dear ROBERT, don't be so absurd. You know you are going to
+leave us to-night, and I have brought you--" here LIBBY blushed with
+that exquisitely ingenuous emotion which is excited by the
+consciousness of benefiting one we love--"I have brought you some
+things that may be of use on your journey. You won't be angry with me
+for it, will you, dear BOB? There's a smoking cap, and a pair of
+crochet slippers, and some drawing pencils, and a volume of TUPPER."
+
+"My darling LIBBY!" remarked the deeply affected ROBERT, alighting on
+those tempting lips once more. "But did you think, love--did you think
+to put a quart of ice-cream and a few hair-pins in the package?"
+
+"Why, no."
+
+"Ah, well," said Mr. BOB PETERS, abstractedly, "I suppose I can buy
+them on the road."
+
+Silence, disturbed only by the beating of those two hearts, reigned for
+a few seconds, then--
+
+"BOB," said LIBBY, looking shyly up to him, "we shall be very happy
+when we are married and live North?"
+
+"Yes, indeed," said BOB.
+
+"We'll live in such a beautiful house on Fifth Avenue, dear, and have
+such nice things. Because, you know, you can make so much money by your
+writings."
+
+"Millions! my love," said Mr. BOB PETERS, with sudden and wonderful
+quietude of tone. "When I left New York prose was bringing two dollars
+for seven pounds in the heavy dailies, and philosophical poetry quoted
+at six shillings a yard, and no hexameters allowed except for EMERSON
+and HOMER. Ah!" said Mr. PETERS, his melancholy deepening rapidly to
+bitterness, "my last poem sickened me. It was called 'Dirge: addressed
+to a lady after witnessing the Drama of the "Toodles,"' and commenced
+in this way:
+
+  'Not all the artist's pow'r can limn,
+  Nor poet's grander verse disclose,
+  The plaintive charm that ev'ning dim,
+  Imparts unto the dying rose.'"
+
+"How pretty!" said LIBBY.
+
+"Yes, my dear," responded Mr. PETERS, somewhat gloomily; "but because I
+used 'dim' to rhyme with 'limn,' all the papers credited it to GENERAL
+MORRIS."
+
+Recollections of this flagrant piece of injustice so affected Mr. BOB
+PETERS, that he smote his breast and called himself a miserable man. "I
+really don't know but I'd better stay here and be hung like a
+respectable patriot," murmured the desolated young man.
+
+"How absurd!" exclaimed the young lady, "you will be glad enough to get
+away to-night. Remember, now, you are to start down stairs at
+quarter-past Twelve, precisely, and JOCKO will open the front door for
+you. Then go straight to the bridge, where you will find my brother,
+who will get you by the guard."
+
+"That reminds me," observed Mr. PETERS, "what time is it? I must set my
+repeater."
+
+LIBBY consulted her watch and answered that it was half-past eight,
+whereupon Mr. BOB PETERS fished from his fob a vast silver
+conglomeration, and having wound it up with a noise like that of a
+distant coffee mill, and set it correctly, proceeded to hang it, for
+convenient reference, upon the gas-branch across the mirror.
+
+"Dear BOB, good bye."
+
+"Fare thee well, and if for ever, still remember me," responded Mr.
+PETERS, with some vagueness.
+
+"We shall meet again?" said LIBBY, lingering.
+
+"If I did not believe it," replied Mr. BOB PETERS, with vehemence, "I
+should at once proceed to kill myself at your feet, covering the walls
+and furniture of the apartment with my gore."
+
+"God bless you, BOB."
+
+They parted wiping their mouths. Miss ORDETH went down stairs in tears,
+had a fit of hysterics on the sofa, and fell asleep with her head in
+the card basket.
+
+
+                     CHAPTER V.--BETRAYED INNOCENCE.
+
+There he slumbered on that rude lounge, with his head upon his hands
+and his hands under his head. A man, like you--or me--or any other man.
+Did you ever notice how you always keep your eyes shut when you are
+asleep? The lids come down over your orbs, your soul's windows, like
+night over the sun. You shall have visions of Heaven, or Hades,
+according to what you had for supper. Lobster salad, or truffles, will
+act upon a sleeping man's great, dark soul, like one of PAGE'S pictures
+on the open eye. Make it see light blue landscapes, and pallid faces
+looking out of pink distances. You think that young man there is
+sleeping upon a rude couch? No. He is sleeping upon something not
+palpable to your worldly eyes nor mine; he is sleeping upon an empty
+stomach. You dare not pity him. His scornful, stern man's soul would
+wither you if you talked to him of compassion. Such is man. An animal.
+A worm of the dust. Yet proud. Ha! you know it. You blush for your
+unworthy thought. Such is woman. Something aroused the sleeper
+suddenly. It might have been an angel's whisper, or the kiss of an
+insect. He sprang to his feet, shook himself, and mentally declared
+that he had come pretty near getting asleep. The idea was rational.
+
+"By all that's blue! it can't be, though it is, by Jupiter!"
+
+The gas was still burning brightly. Mr. BOB PETERS had caught sight of
+his watch as it was reflected in the mirror, with the hands pointing to
+a quarter past Twelve. With great rapidity he grasped the repeater,
+stabbed it into his fob, crushed his demoralized hat upon his head,
+looked regretfully about the room, turned off the gas, and in another
+moment was stealthily groping his way down stairs, toward the front
+door. The door yielded to his hand, but no JOCKO was there. "I
+suppose," murmured Mr. PETERS to himself, "I suppose the faithful
+fellow is praying for me somewhere in the kitchen, with his hands
+resting on a jar of sweetmeats. Ah! I ought to be a better man than I
+am." With this excellent moral reflection, Mr. BOB PETERS stepped into
+the street and faced boldly for the path to freedom; but at the very
+first corner his road was barred by two individuals in military caps
+and the first stage of intoxication.
+
+"Aryupeters--eters!" said one, who was evidently desirous of having but
+a single word with him.
+
+"With a BOB," replied the fugitive sententiously.
+
+"Aw' ri', then," observed the two in chorus, and Mr. PETERS quickly
+found himself attended on either side by guardians whose affectionate
+manner of monopolizing his arms suggested a civil process of the most
+uncivil sort.
+
+"Treachery!" he exclaimed, struggling fiercely. The twain held him
+tightly, however, with the strength of tight-uns, and his exertion only
+caused them to venture divers pleasant oaths concerning the destiny of
+his eyes.
+
+Onward they dragged him, down Broad street and up half a dozen other
+streets, until a certain rebel institution was gained. "In with'm,"
+said one of his captors; and they hurried him past a sentry and through
+a hall into a long, low room, where half a dozen miserable candles
+stuck up against the walls revealed a dismal company of over a
+hundred--some stretched upon the floor, some standing about, and others
+clustered around what appeared to be a cot in one corner.
+
+"Is this the Confederate Congress?" asked the astonished BOB, as his
+captors left him, turning the key and adjusting various bolts as they
+went out.
+
+"It's LIBBY'S pork-packing-house," answered the prisoner nearest him,
+"and you're jugged, I suppose, as a spy."
+
+"Pork-packing!" ejaculated the bewildered BOB. "Why, this is treating
+me like a hog."
+
+Several prisoners at once gave in their adhesion to this logical
+premise.
+
+"Here's a case of betrayed innocence!" soliloquized Mr. BOB PETERS,
+bitterly, "I've trusted to LIBBY, and Libby's taken me in."--
+
+"I'm going to be exchanged, I tell you!"
+
+The sound came from the cot in the corner, and as the crowd in that
+direction opened for a moment, the new-comer beheld a sight that, for a
+time, made him forget his own troubles. A tall, gaunt man in ragged,
+Zouave uniform was reclining upon his elbow on the miserable pallet,
+the pale, dismal light of the candles disclosing a ghastly wound on his
+right temple, from which the blood was trickling down upon his rusty
+and matted beard.
+
+"I'm going to be exchanged, I tell you!" he exclaimed, waving the
+others away with his left hand and glaring directly at BOB. "I've been
+here a whole year, and Eighty's boys wants me back; and I'm going to be
+exchanged."
+
+"The poor fellow was shot by one of the sentries this morning. He's
+from a New York regiment, and has been a prisoner ever since Bull Run,"
+whispered one of the unfortunates to BOB.
+
+The latter approached the wounded man and kindly asked; "Can I do
+anything for you, old fellow?"
+
+The dying Zouave regarded him with a ghastly smile; "Yes," said he,
+"you can go down to Eighty's truck house and take care of little JAKE
+till I'm exchanged. Will you, bub, will you?"
+
+"Is JAKE your child?" asked Bob.
+
+"No," responded the Zouave, softly, "it's only a little yaller dorg. I
+aint got no wife, nor child, nor no friend except the masheen and
+little JAKE. He's petty as a picture, bub, and he's slept with me many
+a gay old night around Catherine Market--he has. You'll be kind to him,
+bub, won't you?"
+
+"Here! what's this noise about? What are yes doin' with lights this
+time ernight? I'll soon stop his Yankee groaning," were the words of a
+brutal keeper, who had just come in and was roughly elbowing his way
+toward the cot.
+
+"Stand off, you hound!" shouted BOB, throwing himself between the
+keeper and the dying soldier. "Stand off!" growled the prisoners,
+fiercely crowding upon the intruder with murder in their faces.
+
+"Hark!" said the Zouave, leaning listfully forward, "there goes the
+Hall bell--one--two--three----" His features lighted up as with the
+glow of a conflagration; his lips opened--
+
+"_Fire! Fire! Fire!_"
+
+And the Zouave fell back upon the cot--dead.
+
+The keeper crawled forward like a whipped hound, and eyed the
+outstretched form with a face full of fear:
+
+"Exchanged at last, by G--d!"
+
+True, O traitorous hireling! and by God alone. For when that honest,
+loyal soul went out, there came to take its place an Avenging Spirit,
+that shall not cease to call on Heaven for vengeance on the Southern
+murderer until the cowardly stain of fifty thousand murders, such as
+this, are washed out in a terrible atonement.
+
+"Poor little JAKE," murmured Mr. BOB PETERS, "I wonder if he's a
+terrier." Then, turning to the keeper,--"How long is my imprisonment in
+this terrible place to be continued?"
+
+The keeper eyed the querist with no very amiable expression, "You'll
+stay here," said he, "until you take the Oath, I reckon."
+
+"In that case, my native land, good night," responded the interesting
+captive, Byronically; "my incarceration will terminate with an
+epitaph--'_Hic Jacet_ ROBERT PETERS. A victim of miss-placed
+confidence. He died young'--Jailor, you are affected. Accept a quarter!"
+
+The Cerberus clutched the proffered coin and eyed it with feverish
+intensity. It was evidently the first quarter he had seen since the
+commencement of his services in that hole. The man's better nature was
+touched. "Hist!" he said, drawing Mr. PETERS aside and speaking in a
+whisper: "I can no longer conceal the truth. I am a Southern Union man."
+
+It is a beautiful peculiarity of our common nature, _mon ami_, that
+crime never sinks so deeply nor perversion spreads so obstinately in
+the human soul, but there is still a deeper current of normal rectitude
+responsive to the force of currency. That this was known to the
+ancients, is evinced by the antique custom of placing coins on the eyes
+of the dead, thereby signifying to all concerned that, whatever faults
+might have perished with the deceased, _de mortuis nil nisi bonum_.
+
+"Can't I have a room to myself?" asked BOB, after a short pause.
+
+"Follow me," was the response; and he followed the keeper through a
+crowd of curious prisoners, up a stair-way against a wall, to a room on
+the next floor. The keeper opened the door with a key from one of his
+pockets, and led the way into an apartment whose only furniture was a
+bed, a ricketty chair and a bit of looking-glass on a shelf.
+
+"I sleep here sometimes myself," said the keeper; "but you shall stay
+here for a small rent. Make yourself comfortable."
+
+"Stop a minute," said BOB, as the man turned to leave. "Do you know how
+I came to be arrested?"
+
+"I don't know exactly," was the answer; "but I believe you was informed
+upon by some woman. Good night. Here's the candle."
+
+The prisoner cast himself upon the bed, as the key grated again in the
+lock, and was fast asleep before the poor fellows down stairs had
+extinguished their miserable lights.
+
+In the morning the friendly keeper brought him his breakfast,
+consisting of a cup of something very much like "sacred soil" after a
+heavy rain, two geological biscuits and a copy of the Richmond _Whig_.
+
+"What do you call this stuff?" asked Mr. PETERS, ruefully eyeing the
+contents of the cup.
+
+"Coffee," replied the keeper, blandly, "real Mocha."
+
+Mr. PETERS was silent. To call such fluid Mocha was sheer mockery.
+
+The biscuits dispatched and the coffee defied, the captive betook
+himself to deep and admiring contemplation of the newspaper; and was
+deriving much valuable instruction from an article written to prove how
+skilfully and ingeniously the Southern Confederacy had struck a telling
+blow at its ruthless invaders by strategetically surrendering Norfolk,
+when an early visitor was admitted. Said visitor was a young man
+contained in a picturesquely-tattered uniform, with a fatigue cap on
+his head and a rusty sword rattling at his heels.
+
+"BOB, my boy," said he, "how the mischief did you get into this scrape?"
+
+"This is some of your family's Chivalry," responded Mr. PETERS, shortly.
+
+"My governor certainly did come it over you a little," observed the
+visitor, who was no other than the younger ORDETH; "but you might have
+gone off safely enough if you'd been at the bridge at quarter-past
+Twelve, as you were told. I don't like the governor's style any more
+than you do, and if you had come to time I could have passed you out of
+the lines easily enough."
+
+"I did come to time," answered BOB, with great bitterness, "and a
+pretty time of night it was. How did I get into this scrape? The
+Southern Confederacy brought me here. I've had enough of you and your
+family. It affords me satisfaction to contemplate a perspective in
+which your family are attending a funeral of one of their number whose
+demise would be attended with funeral honors, if all his comrades were
+not engaged in the work of running away from MCCLELLAN."
+
+Mr. PETERS hazarded this cutting insinuation of the future with an
+expression of countenance rigidly severe.
+
+"But, my dear boy, there is some mistake. You--"
+
+"Enough, Sir!"
+
+"Oh, very well; if you won't you won't," exclaimed the Confederate
+youth, growing very red in the face. "All I have to say is, that I have
+done my part as your friend. If you had been at the bridge at
+quarter-past Twelve last night, you might be back among the Yankees
+now. And, let me tell you, those same Yankees will never conquer the
+South."
+
+"Perhaps not," said Mr. PETERS, ironically.
+
+"One of our officers has just invented a new gun that will soon teach
+the North manners," continued the Confederate, with increasing heat.
+"It throws one-hundred-pound balls as fast as a man can turn the
+handle."
+
+"Ah!" said BOB, sneeringly.
+
+"Yes; and it has but one defect."
+
+"What's that?" asked BOB, with some appearance of interest.
+
+"The handle won't turn!" ejaculated the young Virginian, darting
+hastily from the room to hide his emotion.
+
+Mr. PETERS looked vaguely after the retreating form of the sensitive
+youth, and as one of the keepers relocked the door again from the
+outside, his face sank upon his hands. What did his visitor mean by
+accusing him of not making his appearance at the appointed time? It was
+exactly quarter-past Twelve when he left the house. "I see how it is,"
+murmured Mr. PETERS, between his hands; "the boy has been taking
+something hot."
+
+
+                     CHAPTER VI.--ANOTHER VISITOR.
+
+The ladies were taking their usual promenade through the main corridor
+of the jail, curiously gazing at times through the newly-grated door at
+the prisoners in the main room, and seasoning their morning gossip with
+piquant observations on the probable execution of the horrid creatures
+there confined. Mrs. PEYTON took occasion to inform Mrs. MASON that she
+wouldn't pass a day without taking a look at the wretches for all the
+world; and Mrs. MASON informed Mrs. PEYTON that her life would hardly
+be endurable if she did not live in hope of seeing all the
+Abolitionists there yet. Here young Mr. BARON ventured to intimate that
+the Yankee prisoners were fortunate in being favored with such an array
+of _fair_ before them; for which he was saluted as an "absurd thing,"
+and received a shower of taps from adjacent fans.
+
+Miss ADAMS led her companion, a neighbor's child, to where a keeper was
+leaning idly against the wall.
+
+"Are these all your prisoners?" she asked.
+
+"All but one that was taken last night and is up stairs," replied the
+official.
+
+"Is that one on exhibition?"
+
+"I reckon he is, if you want to see him."
+
+"Well," said Miss ADAMS, with an assumption of indifference, "I don't
+know that it's worth while; but--well, I reckon I _will_ look at him."
+
+"This way, then, if you please," said the keeper, leading the way up an
+adjacent flight of stairs and conducting the fair one to the room
+occupied by Mr. PETERS.
+
+BOB was gazing gloomily out of the window and did not recognize the
+presence of his new guests until the end of a parasol touched his
+shoulder.
+
+"Miss ADAMS!" he exclaimed, offering his hand.
+
+The young lady tossed her head haughtily:
+
+"I don't wish to shake hands with an enemy of my country, sir."
+
+"I see," said BOB, coolly, "the presence of a third party obliges us to
+vail our emotions. Keeper, leave the saloon."
+
+"Pay no attention to him, Keeper," retorted EVE, indignantly, "I wish
+your attendance."
+
+Not at all abashed by the severity of her tone, Mr. PETERS nodded to
+the officer and smiled pleasantly.
+
+"Then I must expose you with a witness to it," he said, good-naturedly;
+"you are offended, Miss EVE because I did not comply with your kind
+note and meet your friends at a quarter-of Twelve, instead of walking
+straight into trouble at quarter-past, as I did."
+
+"You are beneath my notice," was the answer of Miss ADAMS; "but since
+you choose to speak so I must explain myself to this good man here. You
+are indebted to me for your present situation. I am a Southern woman,
+sir, and it was my duty as a Southerner, to see that you did not escape
+to injure our cause by telling some of your Northern falsehoods about
+us. I wrote you the note you speak of in order that you might be drawn
+from your hiding place, and also one to the authorities putting them on
+the watch. I may be a woman, but I have the heart of a man."
+
+If Miss ADAMS did _not_ have the heart of a man it was owing to no
+neglect on her part of any possible means to catch such a heart. That
+is to say, all her dearest and most intimate female friends said so.
+
+Her speech was evidently intended to impress the prisoner with a
+torturing sense of woman's vengeance, but, contrary to her expectation,
+Mr. PETERS received it with the utmost complacency. In fact, he even
+evinced a playful disposition and favored the attentive keeper with an
+insidious wink.
+
+"I don't doubt that your intentions were excellent, Miss EVE," said Mr.
+BOB PETERS, with an air of great enjoyment; "but they did not work as
+well as your affectionate heart designed. Because--you see--I did'nt
+come out at a quarter of Twelve at all, nor did I follow any of your
+directions. Oh, no! It was just quarter-past Twelve by my repeater when
+I departed from my late residence, and it's my private opinion that
+your dear friend, Miss ORDETH, had the privilege of being my adviser on
+that nocturnal occasion. Don't let your sensitive soul be afflicted
+with the thought that _you_ have wronged confiding innocence," added
+BOB, pathetically, "for I do assure you that you are as guiltless as
+the child unborn."
+
+"What do you mean, sir?" asked EVE, in some haste; "were you not
+arrested at a quarter of Twelve?"
+
+"Why no!" said BOB. "Don't I tell you that I didn't break cover until
+quarter-past?"
+
+"Well, sir," snarled EVE, with no little irritation, "you're here at
+any rate, and I hope you'll enjoy the society of your Yankee friends
+down stairs. I hope you'll all be hung. I do."
+
+And the injured fair swept magnificently from the room, dragging with
+her the neighbor's child, and leaving Mr. PETERS alone with the keeper.
+
+"I say, she's a spunky one," remarked the latter. "It's a pity you
+really did'nt wait till quarter-past. I would'nt trust a woman with
+such eyes as hers--I would'nt."
+
+"And I didn't trust them," said BOB. "It was full quarter-past by my
+repeater when I came out, and if I'm betrayed it's by another woman."
+
+"Oh, come now," put in the keeper, deprecatingly, "it's all right, you
+know, between us two. It was'nt but quarter-past when I locked you in
+here, you know."
+
+"What!" exclaimed BOB.
+
+"Fact," said the keeper.
+
+Mr. PETERS deliberately drew out his watch and held it up in full view.
+
+"By all that's true!" said BOB, "it was quarter-past Twelve by that
+repeater before I was taken last night."
+
+The rebel official looked steadily into the eyes of his prisoner for a
+moment, and then withdrew hurriedly and in silence. He evidently
+mistrusted the sincerity of Mr. PETERS, or believed that a man with
+such a fast watch was too much ahead of _his_ time to be trusted
+without a watch of a different kind.
+
+
+                CHAPTER VII.--UNION SENTIMENT DEVELOPING.
+
+If some modern BURTON would supply the world with an Anatomy of
+Patriotism, _mon ami_, I am inclined to believe that his first
+discovery in the process of dissection would be, that the modern
+quality of that name is essentially lacking in the anatomical composite
+of back-bone. Ordinary patriotism in practice, as far as I have been
+able to observe it, is equivalent, in general aspect and result, to an
+irresistible force in contact with an immovable body, those who are
+chiefly carried away with it metaphorically being the last to yield to
+its impulsion personally. In short, the quality appears to be a
+sentiment rather than a motive in its character, and moves us to
+inspire others rather oftener than it inspires us to move ourselves.
+
+Mr. VICTOR E. ORDETH was a patriot in the conventional sense of the
+term, and when the Southern heart was first fired he took a very large
+ember to his own bosom. None could be more ready to repudiate all their
+Northern debts than was Mr. ORDETH to repudiate his, and his deadly
+hatred of the Abolitionist was only equaled by that of a New England
+man owning a colored drayman, and living next door to him. "We will
+raise a million of soldiers if need be," said the chivalrous Virginian
+at a public meeting in Richmond, "and sacrifice our last crust." After
+which he went comfortably home and growled very much at the dampness of
+his slippers and the barely perceptible chill in his buttered toast.
+Great admiration was evoked on all sides by this spirited conduct, and
+when he finally donated one hundred dollars of his creditors' money to
+the Volunteer fund, there was some talk of making him a brigadier; but
+it happened to leak out that he knew something of military business
+from early study, and, of course, that project had to be given up. A
+brigadier with military capability would be an anomaly indeed!
+
+And so, this self-sacrificed gentleman meekly wore his honors in
+private life, his patriotism deepening and intensifying until it
+attained the pitch of verbal perfection demonstrated in the first
+chapter of this veracious narrative. Suddenly, however, this patriotism
+suffered what its possessor's pocket did not--a "sea change": the
+Confiscation Act passed by the Congress of the United States induced
+Mr. ORDETH to consider seriously what might possibly happen to a
+certain little property of his near Danville, in the event of certain
+Union achievements; and the news of MCCLELLAN'S advance to within five
+miles of Richmond, did not tend to increase the patriotic fervor of
+this chivalrous Virginian.
+
+It was on the second morning after the summary incarceration of Mr. BOB
+PETERS, that Mr. ORDETH peremptorily called for his newspaper, and,
+having elevated his feet upon the window sill, proceeded to read the
+more humorous articles of the journal in question, which were chiefly
+devoted to the discussion of divers excellent plans for invading the
+North in one column, and burning Richmond in the next. The only other
+person in the apartment at the time was Mrs. ORDETH, who turned very
+pale when her lord took up his paper, and watched him as he read, with
+considerable agitation. She was evidently expecting an explosion, and
+it came.
+
+Having perused with mitigated satisfaction a leader on the sublime
+nobility of soul evidenced by the people who destroyed their city at
+the approach of the enemy, Mr. ORDETH turned to the Local Department of
+the reduced sheet before him, and was electrified at the discovery
+therein of a full and accurate account of the arrest of "one ROBERT
+PETERS, supposed to be a Yankee spy, who is said to have found refuge
+for some time past in the house of a well-known citizen, and who was
+seized at the instigation of a devoted Daughter of the South, who, by a
+pardonable device, lured him from his hiding place for that purpose.
+But for the disordered state of things just now, the citizen said to
+have harbored this fellow would be called to account for his equivocal
+concern in the matter."
+
+The paper dropped from the hands of Mr. ORDETH, and he stared at his
+wife in utter bewilderment.
+
+"Don't be angry with us, VICTOR!" exclaimed that lady, tremblingly; for
+she had seen the paper and anticipated what was coming. "LIBBY hid poor
+BOB away because she didn't want to see one of our own relations taken
+and hung, and when she told me of it I didn't dare to tell you."
+
+"And do you mean to tell me that it was in _my_ house he was secreted?"
+asked the Virginian, tragically.
+
+"Yes, my dear, up-stairs, you know."
+
+This unexampled revelation might have produced a scene, had not the
+door been opened at the moment by JOCKO, who unceremoniously entered
+with a folded paper in his hand.
+
+"Dis wus brung for you, Mars'r, by de angel ob de--I mean by de gemman
+wid gold on he shoulder."
+
+The master hastily snatched the paper from the dutiful black, waved him
+magisterially from the presence, and found himself ordered to report on
+the following morning for military duty at the headquarters of the
+military commandant, Richmond. A new draft was ordered!
+
+Passing the paper to his wife, without a word of comment, Mr. ORDETH
+commenced to pace the room with long and rapid strides. Finally, he
+stopped short before his lady's chair:--
+
+"I am beginning to think," said he, coolly, "that the Union is best for
+the South, after all."
+
+"Yes, my dear."
+
+"And we must be off for Danville this very afternoon."
+
+"Oh!"
+
+A pause, and then--
+
+"I was hasty about BOB. My friend, GENERAL EVANS, has just come in from
+Leesburg. I must explain this matter to him and get BOB discharged; for
+BOB may be of great service to us, my dear, when the Yankees take
+possession."
+
+Mrs. ORDETH understood her husband well enough to appreciate this
+remarkable change in his sentiments, and refrained from exhibiting any
+astonishment at this speech. She only answered:
+
+"You know best, VICTOR."
+
+The head of the house received this judicious reply in full payment of
+all demands on his wife's attention, and immediately went forth to put
+his designs into execution--as fine a specimen of the Southern Union
+man as ever welcomed the advent of the loyal army with enthusiasm, and
+immediately presented a bill for damages sustained in the cause of
+Freedom!
+
+
+                      CHAPTER VIII.--WITHOUT END.
+
+Seated upon the lounge where _he_ so often had rested, with her elbows
+resting upon the table on which _his_ arms had so frequently reposed,
+sat the afflicted LIBBY. She had heard her paternal leave the house an
+hour before, and she had just heard the sound of his boots in the hall
+below as he returned; but she felt no desire to learn the reason
+thereof. Like her mother, she had seen the account of MR. PETERS'
+arrest in the morning paper, and her bewilderment at the statement
+respecting the device used to entrap that persecuted youth by a
+Daughter of the South, was only equalled by her grief at the
+unfortunate present predicament of her lover. So absorbed was she in
+her sorrows that she heard not the opening of the parlor door below
+her, nor the sound of footsteps on the stairs:--
+
+"Miss ORDETH!"
+
+Was it a dream? The beautiful mourner turned quickly in the direction
+of the sound, and beheld the bodily presentment of Mr. BOB PETERS, who
+stood near the door with his shocking bad hat between his hands and an
+expression of stern reproach upon his countenance.
+
+"BOB!--you here?" exclaimed the maiden, starting from her seat with a
+little shriek.
+
+"Mr. PETERS, if you please, Madame," said the late captive, with much
+dignity. "Owing to a great spread of Union sentiment in the bosom of
+your paternal relative, and his consequent representation in my behalf,
+I _am_ here, to blast you with the sight of the innocence you have
+betrayed! I slipped up here to confront you, Madame," observed Mr.
+PETERS, with some ease of manner, "while the old ones were packing the
+silver-plated spoons preparatory to a combined movement on the peaceful
+hamlet of Danville."
+
+"What do you mean, you ridiculous thing?" asked LIBBY, scarcely
+believing her own ears.
+
+"That we must part," returned Mr. PETERS, calmly straightening an angle
+in the rim of his hat. "You named an hour for my nocturnal
+escape--quarter-past Twelve. I fled the Residence at that unseemly
+hour, though another maiden had previously invited me to liberty and
+the pursuit of happiness. I went, and walked straight into the arms of
+the unsleeping Southern Confederacy, who was inebriated at the time,
+and conducted me to the penal pork-packing establishment. Enough! we
+part. I go to Danville with you, but only as an ordinary acquaintance
+of chilling reserve."
+
+"Why BOB, what can you mean?" ejaculated _Libby_, to whom this
+remarkable speech was not particularly lucid; "it was not my fault that
+you were taken. If you had gone at quarter-past Twelve, as I told you,
+all would have been well. Oh, BOB, when JOCKO told me next morning that
+he had waited for you a whole hour in the hall in vain, and when ma and
+I found that you had really gone at the wrong time, I sat right down
+and cried my eyes out."
+
+"The wrong time!" exclaimed Mr. PETERS, striding suddenly toward the
+mirror. "Impossible! Observe this repeater of mine, which is a reliable
+time-piece. On the night in question, this repeater was plainly before
+me, hanging on this gas bracket, before this looking-glass." Here Mr.
+PETERS illustrated his assertion by suspending his watch from the
+bracket, under which it spun feebly for a moment. "At the very instant
+of my waking from a temporary slumber, I caught sight of this same
+repeater in the glass, and--why! what's this?"
+
+In a moment every vestige of resentment had faded from the features of
+Mr. BOB PETERS, and he stood staring at the reflection of his watch in
+the glass with the look of a man in the last stage of wonder.
+
+LIBBY timidly drew near and placed a hand on his arm.
+
+"What's the matter, dear?"
+
+"What time is it now by the repeater?" asked Mr. PETERS, excitedly, but
+without moving his eyes.
+
+"Why, it's ten minutes past Ten," replied LIBBY, glancing at the face
+of the watch as it appeared in the mirror, and wondering what would
+come next.
+
+"Look again!!" thundered Mr. PETERS.
+
+"Why," repeated LIBBY, half-frightened, "it's ten minutes past Ten."
+
+Mr. BOB PETERS deliberately took down his watch and pointed
+convulsively at its face with one finger. The time was ten minutes _of_
+Ten!
+
+Mr. PETERS' first act was to clasp the maiden to his bosom and kiss her
+unceremoniously. Then releasing her, he took two steps in a popular
+break-down and burst into a stentorian peal of laughter.
+
+"I shall have to call Pa," said poor LIBBY.
+
+"Not a bit of it!" shouted BOB, ceasing his Terpsichoreanism for a
+moment; "don't you see the joke? It's all in the looking-glass, my pet.
+When I thought it was a quarter past Twelve and fled the residence, it
+was really a quarter _of_ Twelve--don't you see? The looking-glass
+_reversed the hands on the watch_!"
+
+And so it was, _mon ami_. Hold your own time-piece with its face to a
+mirror, and you will "see the point."
+
+But what can excuse that General who, after leading the whole country
+to expect that he would take Richmond in time for me to conclude this
+picture of Southern life, as I originally planned to do, now changes
+his base of operation in a strategic manner, and introduces a fizzle
+into romantic literature----
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Here Smith-Brown, who happened to be awake, coughed intrusively, my
+boy, and says he:
+
+"The fault is not the General's, my friend. The Secretary of War is
+alone to blame for it. He has killed literature."
+
+How true was that speech, my boy. The Secretary is indeed responsible
+for this literary disaster, as well for everything else; and if he ever
+undertakes to stand on his own responsibility, he will find plenty of
+room to move about.
+
+                                     Yours, droopingly,
+                                                    ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                               LETTER LV.
+
+  SETTING FORTH A NEW VILLAINY OF THE INSIDIOUS BLACK REPUBLICANS,
+      AND DESCRIBING THE THRILLING CONSTITUTIONAL BATTLE OF DUCK LAKE.
+
+
+                                    WASHINGTON, D. C., July 12th, 1862.
+
+Owing to the persistent stupidity of Congress and the
+hideously-treasonable machinations of the unscrupulous black
+republicans, my boy, the weather still continues very hot; and unless
+the thermometer falls very soon, an exhausted populace will demand an
+immediate change in the Cabinet. I am very warm, my boy--I am very
+warm; and when I reflect upon the agency of the abolitionists, who have
+brought this sort of thing about for the express purpose of injuring my
+Constitution, I am impelled to ask myself: Did our revolutionary
+forefathers indeed expire in vain? O my country! my country! it is very
+warm.
+
+Such weather, my boy, is particularly trying to Sergeant O'Pake's
+friend,
+
+        THE IRISH PICKET.
+
+  I'm shtanding in the mud, Biddy,
+    With not a spalpeen near,
+  And silence, spaichless as the grave,
+    Is all the sound I hear.
+  Me gun is at a showlder arms,
+    I'm wetted to the bone,
+  And whin I'm afther shpakin' out,
+    I find meself alone.
+
+  This Southern climate's quare, Biddy,
+    A quare and bastely thing,
+  Wid Winter absint all the year,
+    And Summer in the Spring.
+  Ye mind the hot place down below?
+    And may ye niver fear
+  I'd dhraw comparisons--but then
+    It's awful warrum here.
+
+  The only moon I see, Biddy,
+    Is one shmall star, asthore,
+  And that's fornint the very cloud
+    It was behind before;
+  The watchfires glame along the hill
+    That's swellin' to the south,
+  And whin the sentry passes them
+    I see his oogly mouth.
+
+  It's dead for shlape I am, Biddy,
+    And dramein shwate I'd be,
+  If them ould rebels over there
+    Would only lave me free;
+  But when I lane against a shtump
+    And shtrive to get repose,
+  A musket ball he's comin' shtraight
+    To hit me spacious nose.
+
+  It's ye I'd like to see, Biddy,
+    A shparkin' here wid me
+  And then, avourneen, hear ye say,
+    "Acushla--Pat--machree!"
+  "Och, Biddy darlint," then says I,
+    Says you, "get out of that;"
+  Says I, "me arrum mates your waist,"
+    Says you, "be daycent, Pat."
+
+  And how's the pigs and ducks, Biddy?
+    It's them I think of, shure,
+  That looked so innocent and shwate
+    Upon the parlor flure;
+  I'm shure ye're aisy with the pig
+    That's fat as he can be,
+  And fade him wid the best, because
+    I'm towld he looks like me.
+
+  Whin I come home again, Biddy,
+    A sargent tried and thrue,
+  It's joost a daycent house I'll build
+    And rint it chape to you.
+  We'll have a parlor, bedroom, hall,
+    A duck-pond nately done,
+  With kitchen, pig-pen, praty-patch,
+    And garret--all in one
+
+  But, murther! there's a baste, Biddy,
+    That's crapin' round a tree,
+  And well I know the crature's there
+    To have a shot at me.
+  Now, Misther Rebel, say yere prayers,
+    And howld yer dirthy paw,
+  Here goes!--be jabers, Biddy dear,
+    I've broke his oogly jaw!
+
+I was talking some moments ago with a Regimental Surgeon, who has more
+patients on a monument than Shakspere ever dreamed about, and says he:
+"In consequence of the great number of troops now about this city, all
+the oxygen in the atmosphere is exhausted, and we are very warm. Had
+all these troops been sent to McClellan two weeks ago," says he, using
+his lancet to pick a dead fly out of his tumbler, "we might be able to
+keep cool now. There is a terrible responsibility on somebody's
+shoulders."
+
+That's very true, my boy, and it's very warm.
+
+There was a panic this morning in financial circles, owing to the
+frantic conduct of a gambling chap from the Senate, who has been saving
+up money to bet on the fall of Richmond, and was trying to put it out
+at interest. "I'll take seven per cent. for it the first year," says
+he, anxiously, "and leave it standing until national strategy comes to
+a head."
+
+A broker took it for five years, my boy, with the privilege of
+extending the time after each fresh victory.
+
+Speaking of victories, my boy, I was present at the recent series of
+triumphs by the Mackerel Brigade, on the left shore of Duck Lake, and
+witnessed a succession of feats calculated to culminate either in the
+fall of Richmond or the fall of the year.
+
+From the head-quarters in the city of Paris to the brink of Duck Lake,
+the Mackerels were drawn up in gorgeous line of battle, their bayonets
+resembling somewhat an uncombed head of steel hair, and their noses
+looking like a wavy strip of summer sunset. By their last great
+stragetical manoeuvre, they had lured the Southern Confederacy to court
+its own destruction by flanking them at both ends of the line, and they
+were only waiting for the master-mind to give them the signal.
+
+Samyule Sa-mith advanced from this place in the staff as I rode up, and
+says he:
+
+"Comrades, the General depends on you to precede him to glory. We had
+hoped," says Samyule, feelingly, "to have the company of two French
+counts in this day's slaughter; but those two noble Gauls had not time
+to wait, as they desired to visit the Great Exhibition in London."
+
+These remarks were well received, my boy; and when the order was given
+for Company 3, Regiment 5, to detour to the left, it would have been
+promptly obeyed but for an unforeseen incident. Just as Captain Villiam
+Brown was about to break line for the purpose, an aged chap came
+dashing down from a First Family country-seat near by, and says he to
+the General of the Mackerel Brigade:
+
+"I demand a guard for my premises immediately. My wife," says he, with
+dignity, "has just been making a custard-pie for the sick Confederacies
+in the hospital, and as she has just set it out to cool near where my
+little boy shot one of your vandals this morning, she is afraid it
+might be taken by your thieving mudsills when they came after the body.
+I, therefore, demand a guard for my premises, in the name of the
+Constitution of our forefathers."
+
+Here Captain Bob Shorty stepped forward, and says he:
+
+"What does the Constitution say about custard pie, Mr. Davis?"
+
+The aged chap spat at him, and says he:
+
+"I claim protection under that clause which refers to the pursuit of
+happiness. Custard pies," says he, reasoningly, "are included in the
+pursuit of happiness."
+
+"That's very true," says the General, looking kindly over his fan at
+the venerable petitioner. "Let a guard be detailed to protect this good
+old man's premises. We are fighting _for_ the Constitution, not against
+it."
+
+A guard was detailed, my boy, with orders to make no resistance if they
+were fired upon occasionally from the windows of the house; and then
+Captain Villiam Brown pushed forward with what was left of Company 3,
+to engage the Confederacy on the edge of Duck Lake, supported by the
+Orange County Howitzers. Headed by the band, who played patriotic airs
+as soon as he could shake the crumbs out of his key-bugle, the
+cavalcade advanced to the edge of the lake and opened a heavy salute of
+round shot and musketry on the atmosphere, whilst Commodore Head kept
+up a hot fire at the horizon with his iron-plated fleet and swivel gun.
+
+Only waiting to finish a game of base ball, in which they had been
+engaged, four regiments of Confederacies, at whom this deadly assault
+was directed, threw aside their bats and ball dresses, put on their
+uniforms, loaded their muskets and batteries, and sent an iron shower
+in all directions. Greatly demoralized by this unseemly occurrence, a
+file of Mackerels under Sergeant O'Pake immediately threw down their
+muskets and knapsacks, emptied their pockets upon the ground, piled
+their neckties in a heap, and were making a rapid retrograde movement,
+when Villiam suddenly threw himself in their path, and says he:
+
+"Where are you going to, my fearless eaglets?"
+
+"Hem!" says the sergeant, with much French in his manner, "we thought
+of visiting the Great Exhibition in London."
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, understandingly, "you have acquired French in one
+easy lesson, and--"
+
+Here an orderly rode up with an order for the Mackerels to fall back
+from the edge of the Lake immediately, leaving their artillery,
+bayonets, havelocks, and baggage behind them; and Villiam was obliged
+to conduct the movement, which was a part of the strategical scheme of
+the General of the Mackerel Brigade. As we retreated back into Paris,
+my boy, we were joined by the Conic Section, and shortly after by the
+Anatomical Cavalry, both of which had succeeded in leaving all their
+accoutrements on the field.
+
+As we all rushed together before head-quarters in perfect order, and
+while the Confederacy was eating some provisions, which we had
+refrained from bringing off the late scene of conflict, the General of
+the Mackerel Brigade came from under a tree, where he had been tanning
+himself, and says he:
+
+"My children, we have whipped them at all points, and the day is ours."
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, abstractedly, "the day is hours."
+
+"My children," says the General, in continuation, "we have pushed the
+enemy to the wall without fracturing the Constitution, and have only
+put the war back six months. We can say with pride, my children, that
+we belong to the Army of Duck Lake, and shall have no more Bull Runs.
+My children, I love you. Accept my blessing."
+
+We were reflecting upon this soul-stirring speech, my boy, and silently
+admiring the strategy which had brought us all together again so soon,
+when the sound of drum and fife called our attention to a club of
+political chaps who had just arrived by steamer from the Sixth Ward,
+and were filing past us to a platform recently erected in the very
+centre of Paris.
+
+"I do believe," says Captain Bob Shorty, whisperingly, "I do believe
+we're going to have a mass meeting."
+
+Onward went the political chaps to the platform.
+
+A delegation mounted the steps, advanced to the front rails, and
+commenced unfurling a vast linen banner. The sun was just setting, my
+boy, and as his parting beams fell upon the uplifted faces of the
+political chaps, a soft breeze unrolled the standard, and the Mackerels
+read upon its folds--
+
+  REGULAR CONSERVATIVE NOMINATION
+  FOR
+  PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
+  IN 1865.
+  THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
+
+Shall it be said, after this, that republics are ungrateful? I think
+not, my boy--I think not. We have won a great and glorious victory, and
+the only question remaining to be answered is, Who is responsible for
+it, my boy--who is responsible for it?
+
+                                     Yours, in bewilderment,
+                                                       ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                               LETTER LVI.
+
+  WHEREIN ARE PRESENTED SOME FEMININE REFERENCES, AN ANECDOTE BY THE
+      EXECUTIVE, AND CERTAIN NOTES OF A VISIT TO THE FESTIVE
+      SHENANDOAH VALLEY.
+
+
+                                     WASHINGTON, D. C., July 19th, 1862.
+
+Permit me to return thanks through your mail, my boy, for a large
+feather fan recently consigned to my address by one of the admiring
+Women of America. It looks like a tail freshly plucked from a
+large-sized American eagle, and is decorated with a French-plate mirror
+in the centre and other French plates around the edges. The
+kind-hearted woman of America (who writes from Boston) says in her
+presentation note--"I admire to see a fan in the hands of the sterner
+sex; for it shows that the same hero-fist that grasps the sword has
+enough inherent gentleness to wave the cooling bauble. Such is life.
+The hand which falls like a hundred pounds of granite on the flinty eye
+of his ke-yuntery's foes has the softness of a blessing when it
+caresses the golden head of plastic childhood.
+
+    Yours, gushingly,      Zephyrina Percy."
+
+I find the "cooling bauble" very useful to brush the flies from my
+gothic steed Pegasus, my boy, and am a fanatic "to this extent, no
+more."
+
+And here is what another young woman of America says to me in a note:
+
+"My ma requests me to tell you that you ought to be ashamed of
+yourself, you hateful thing, for encouraging the vulgar people to be in
+favor of this nasty war, that is causing their superiors so much
+trouble, and has driven away the opera, and made enemies of those nice
+Southerners, with their beautiful big eyes and elegant swearing. Why
+don't you advocate a compromise, or a Habeas Corpus, or some other
+paper with names to it, and get Mr. Lincoln to stop the Constitution
+and order the war to be ended before there's any more assassinations
+and things? My pa was once a leather banker, and sold shoes for
+plantation servants, and made a great deal of money by it; but now he's
+a captain, or a surveyor, or some ridiculous thing, of the Home Guard,
+and may be massacred in cold blood the first time there's a battle in
+our neighborhood. My pa has to go to drill every night, and when he
+comes home in the morning he's so worn out with exhaustion that I've
+known him to lay right down in the hall and shed tears. My ma often
+says, that if Beauregard, or Palmerston, or any other foes should
+attack our house while pa is in that state, it would kill her dead. And
+I know it would make me so nervous that I should be a perfect fright
+for a week. My brother, Adolphus, has likewise joined the Home Guard,
+and has already had a bloody engagement with a Southerner named Tailor,
+who used to sell him clothes when the two sections were at peace.
+Adolphus says if it hadn't been for his double-quick, or some
+ridiculous military thing or other, he would have been made a prisoner.
+It makes me sick to see how much lowness there is about Adolphus since
+he joined the ridiculous army; he calls his dinner 'rations,' and
+addresses me as 'Corporal Lollypop,' (the absurd thing!) and calls ma's
+crinoline a 'counter-scarp.'
+
+"My pa says that he shall have to sell the carriage and the beautiful
+dog-cart if this hateful war don't end by the first of next month; and
+when I asked him yesterday if we couldn't have the gothic villa next to
+the Jones's at Newport this summer, he actually swore! The Joneses, you
+know, are very pleasant, sociable, vulgar sort of people, with a little
+money; and it would kill me to see them putting on airs over us because
+we didn't happen to take a cottage with bow-windows like them. My pa
+says that old Jones has got a contract to make clothes for the
+soldiers, and has made a great deal of money by manufacturing coats and
+other ridiculous things out of blue paper instead of cloth. Augustus
+Jones says if he don't meet me at Newport this summer he will enlist as
+soon as he comes back; and it would be just like the absurd creature to
+do it. I don't see why pa can't get out an indictment or something
+against the blockade, and call on the postmaster or some other
+ridiculous thing to send his new stock of plantation shoes to Alabama
+under a guard, and bring back the money. I don't see the use of living
+in a republic if one can't do that much. My ma says that you newspaper
+people could stop the dreadful war if you would only advocate
+compromises and things, and not be so ridiculous. Why can't you leave
+out some of those absurd advertisements, and publish an article telling
+Mr. Lincoln that the war is ruining society? If it continues much
+longer, I shall have to wear my last year's bonnet a whole month, and
+I'd rather die. Do say something absurd, you ridiculous thing."
+
+Have the war stopped right away, my boy,--have the war stopped right
+away.
+
+Matters and things here are still in a strategic condition, and naught
+has disturbed our monotony, for a week, save a story they tell about
+the Honest Old Abe. It seems that two of the conservative Border State
+chaps, who are here for the express purpose of protesting against
+everything whatever, had a discussion about the Honest Abe, and one
+chap bet the other chap five dollars that he couldn't, by any possible
+means, speak to the President without hearing a small anecdote.
+
+"Done!" says the other chap, gleefully, "I'll take the bet."
+
+That very same night, at about twelve o'clock, he tore frantically up
+to the White House, and commenced thundering at the door like King
+Richard at the gates of Ascalon. The Honest Abe stuck his night-capped
+head out of the window, and says he:
+
+"Is that you, Mr. Seward?"
+
+"No, sir," says the Border State chap, glaring up through the darkness.
+"I'm a messenger from the army. Another great strategic movement has
+taken place, and our whole army have been taken prisoners by the
+Southern Confederacy. In fact," says the conservative chap,
+frantically, "the backbone of the rebellion is broken AGAIN."
+
+"Hem!" says the Honest Abe, shaking a musquito from his nightcap, "this
+strategy reminds me of a little story. There was a man, out in Iowa,
+sat down to play a game of checkers with another man, inducing his
+friends around him to lend him the change necessary for stakes. He
+played and he played, and he lost the first game. Then he played much
+more cautiously, and lost the next game. His friends commenced to
+grumble; but, says he: 'Don't you worry yourselves, boys, and I'll show
+you a cute move pretty soon.' So he played, and he played, and he lost
+the third game. 'Don't be impatient, boys,' says he; 'you'll see that
+great move pretty soon, I tell you.' Then he played with great care,
+taking a long time to consider every move, and, by way of change, lost
+the fourth game. Close attention to what he was about, and much minute
+calculation, also enabled him to lose the fifth game. By this time his
+friends had lent him all their change, and began to think it was time
+for that great move of his to come off. 'Have you any more change?'
+says he. 'Why, no,' says they. 'Then,' says he, with great spirit, 'the
+time for that move I was telling you about has come at last.' As he
+commenced to rise from his chair, instead of continuing to play, his
+cleaned-out friends bethought themselves to ask him what that famous
+move was? 'Why,' says he, pleasantly, 'it's to move off for a little
+more change.'"
+
+At the conclusion of this quaint tale, my boy, the Border State chap
+fled groaning to his quarters at Willard's, stuck a five-dollar
+Treasury Note under the pillow of the other Border State chap, and
+immediately took the evening train for the West.
+
+Such is the story they tell, my boy; but I'm inclined to accept it
+merely as a work of fiction, with a truthful moral. Certain it is, that
+as strategy increases, small change grows scarcer, and it is the
+general opinion that no small change is needed in military matters.
+
+In company with a patriotic democratic chap, who had come up from New
+York, for the express purpose of seeing that the negroes of the
+Southern Confederacy were not permitted to inform our forces of the
+movements of the enemy in contravention of the Constitution, I made a
+reconnoissance in force, on Monday, to the festive Shenandoah Valley.
+On our way thither, the democratic chap was greatly bitten by
+musquitos, for which he justly blamed the black republicans, who are
+trying to break up this Government, and on our arrival near Winchester,
+we stumbled upon a phlegmatic fellow-man in a swallow-tailed coat and
+green spectacles, who was seated on a stone by the roadside, reading
+the "Impending Crisis." The democratic chap passed on, swearing, to the
+nearest camp; but I paused before this interesting student.
+
+"Well, old swallow-tails," says I, affably, "what are you doing in this
+section?"
+
+He looked up at me with great severity of countenance, and says he: "I
+have come here, young man, to agitate the Negro Question; to open
+African schools; and, peradventure, to start a water cure
+establishment."
+
+"What for?" says I.
+
+"For the love of my species," says he, eagerly, "and for any little
+contract in the way of red breeches and spelling books that may be
+required for the reclaimed contrabands?"
+
+Was this a case of purely disinterested philanthropy? Perhaps so, my
+boy, perhaps so; but the old swallow-tails reminded of a chap I once
+knew in the Sixth Ward. He was a high toned moral chap of much
+shirt-collar, with a voice that sounded like a mosquito in the bottom
+of a fish-horn, and a chin like a creased apple-dumpling. Years before
+he had married a Southern crinoline and talked about the glories of
+slavery in a polished and high-moral way; but as there happened just
+then to be a chance for him to run for alderman on the abolition
+ticket, he experienced a change of heart, and addressed a meeting on
+the evils of human bondage: "My friends," says he, patting his stomach
+in a heartfelt manner, "I once lived at the South and owned slaves; but
+never could I feel that it was right. My pastor would say to me: 'These
+men-slaves are black, you say; but have they not the same feelings with
+you, the same features--only handsomer?' I felt this to be so, my
+friends; I commenced to appreciate the enormity of holding human souls
+in bondage."
+
+Here a susceptible venerable maiden in the audience became so
+overpowered by her emotions, that she placed her head in the lap of a
+respectable single gentleman, and fainted away.
+
+"My friends," continued the high-toned moral chap, "I could not bear
+the stings of conscience; my nights were sleepless, but I slept during
+the day. There was I, pretending to be a Christian, yet holding men and
+women as chattels! Heavens himself was outraged by it, and I resolved
+to make a sacrifice for the sake of principle--to cease to be a
+slaveholder! I called my slaves together: I addressed them paternally
+and piously, and then I--(here the great, scalding tears rolled down
+the cheeks of the orator, and the audience sobbed horribly)--I bade
+them be good boys and girls, and then I--SOLD EVERY ONE OF THEM!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There was a movement of the audience toward the door. Men and women
+went out silently from the place, exchanging covert glances of
+smothered agitation with each other. Only one person remained with the
+orator. It was an old file with a blue umbrella, who had occupied a
+back seat and paid breathless attention to all the performances. After
+the others had left the hall, he walked deliberately from his seat to
+where the high-toned moral chap was still standing, and gazed into the
+face of the latter with an expression of unmitigated wonder. He then
+walked twice around him; having done which he confronted him again,
+thumped the ferule of his umbrella on the floor, and says he: "Well!"
+The old file paused an instant, and then says he: "well, I'll be dam,"
+and waddled precipitately from the place.
+
+I've often thought of it since then, my boy; and I've always wondered
+why it was that the solitary old file with the blue umbrella should say
+that he be dam.
+
+To return to Western Virginia; I found, upon my arrival in one of the
+camps near Winchester, that the patriotic democratic chap was making
+arrangements to divide the army there into Wards, instead of regiments,
+in order, as he said, that the returns might come in systematically.
+
+"For instance," says he, "suppose that in the skirmish with the
+Confederacy which is going on just ahead of us, we should lose--say
+seventy-five votes; how much easier it would be to say; the 'Fourth
+Ward shows a decrease since last year of seventy-five Republicans',
+than to say that such a regiment, of such a brigade, of such a
+division, has lost so and so?"
+
+I was reflecting upon this novel and admirable way of putting it, my
+boy, when an orderly came tearing in, with a report of the skirmishing
+going on.
+
+"Ha!" says the patriotic chap to him; "how does the canvas proceed?"
+
+"Well," says the orderly, breathlessly, "Banks' outpost has lost twenty
+votes in the Tenth Ward by desertions, and has thirty double-votes
+wounded; but I think Banks can still keep neck-and-neck with McDowell."
+
+"You do, hey?" says the patriotic chap, in great excitement. "Then
+McDowell must not lend Banks a single vote. Tell him to keep his Ward
+Committees under cover until Banks gets through with his canvas; for if
+he takes part in that, and the election results in a victory over the
+Confederacy, Banks will get all the credit of it, and win the card in
+the next Nominating Convention."
+
+So McDowell's votes didn't re-enforce Banks in the skirmish, my boy,
+and Banks lost much popularity by being worsted, by the Confederacy.
+
+As soon as the firing had ceased, I went out to meet some of the
+returning Wards, and came plump upon the swallow-tail chap, who was
+agitating the negro question in a corner of the late battle-field,
+surrounded by fugitive contrabands.
+
+"Friend of the human race," says I, "how now?"
+
+"Young man," says he, hastily tying a red silk pocket-handkerchief
+about his head, "I am teaching these oppressed beings to spell, having
+extemporized a college on the very scene of their recent emancipation."
+
+"How far have the collegians progressed?" says I.
+
+"They have got," says he, "to their a-b, abs. Thus; a-b, ab; o-abo; l-i
+li, aboli; t-i-o-n shun--abolition."
+
+Shameful to relate, my boy, the swallow-tailed chap had no sooner said
+this, than a cavalry ward came charging helter-skelter, right through
+the college, tumbling the faculty into the mud, and bruising several
+sophomore graduates. Simultaneously, the patriotic democratic chap
+appeared on the scene, and insisted upon it that the contrabands should
+be immediately returned to the Southern Confederacy, as this is a white
+man's war. "Otherwise," says he, cholerically, "future reconciliation
+and reconstruction will be impossible."
+
+Fearful that I should become confused a little if I remained there any
+longer, my boy, I at once retired from the place, in company with two
+sick votes, who were going home on furlough, and reached this city
+again in good order.
+
+Almost the first fellow-being I met on my return was a seedy and
+earnest chap from New York, who was worth about a quarter in ready
+money, and had come to Washington post-haste to pledge the Empire
+State's last dollar, and last drop of blood for the vigorous
+prosecution of the war.
+
+"See here, my self-denying Brutus," says I, as we took Richmond
+together at the bar, "who commissioned you to pledge so much as all
+that?"
+
+"To tell the truth," says the seedy chap, confidentially, "it's all
+I've got left to pledge. I pledged my pinchbeck chronometer for three
+dollars," says he, sadly, "just before I left New York; and I'm trying
+this pledge on speculation."
+
+I have sometimes feared, my boy, that our Uncle Samuel's concern is
+turning into a pawnbroking establishment on a large scale, where they
+make advances on everything tangible and intangible, except Richmond,
+my boy--except Richmond.
+
+    Yours, with a presentiment,
+    ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LVII.
+
+  SUGGESTING MENTAL RELAXATION FOR A TIME, AND INTRODUCING A FAMILIAR
+      SKETCH OF THE WAR-STRICKEN DRAMA IN THE RURAL DISTRICTS.
+
+
+                                      WASHINGTON, D. C., July 23d, 1862.
+
+Yesterday morning, my boy, I refreshed myself by a lounge across Long
+Bridge to the fields about Arlington Heights, where blooming Nature
+still has verdant spots untrampled by the iron heel of strategic war.
+
+How pleasant is it, my boy, to escape occasionally from the society of
+Congressmen and brigadiers, and take a lazy sprawl in the fragrant
+fields. It is the philosopher's way of enjoying Summer's
+
+            DOLCE FAR NIENTE.
+
+I.
+
+  Still as a fly in amber, hangs the world
+    In a transparent sphere of golden hours,
+  With not enough of life in all the air
+    To stir the shadows or to move the flowers;
+        And in the halo broods the angel Sleep,
+        Wooed from the bosom of the midnight deep
+      By her sweet sister Silence, wed to Noon.
+
+II.
+
+  Held in a soft suspense of summer light,
+    The generous fields with all their bloom of wealth
+  Bask in a dream of Plenty for the years,
+    And breathe the languor of untroubled Health.
+        Without a ripple stands the yellow wheat,
+        Like the Broad Seal of God upon the sheet
+      Where Labor's signature appeareth soon.
+
+III.
+
+  As printed staves of thankful Nature's hymn,
+    The fence of rails a soothing grace devotes,
+  With clinging vines for bass and treble cleffs
+    And wrens and robins here and there for notes;
+        Spread out in bars, at equal distance met,
+        As though the whole bright summer scene were set
+      To the unuttered melody of Rest!
+
+IV.
+
+  Along the hill in light voluptuous wrapt
+    The daisy droops amid the staring grass,
+  And on the plain the rose and lily wait
+    For Flora's whispers, that no longer pass;
+        While in the shade the violet of blue
+        Finds in the stillness reigning nature through,
+      That which her gentle modesty loves best.
+
+V.
+
+  The mill-wheel motionless o'ershades the pool,
+    In whose frail crystal cups its circle dips;
+  The stream, slow curling, wanders in the sun
+    And drains his kisses with its silver lips;
+        The birch canoe upon its shadow lies,
+        The pike's last bubble on the water dies,
+      The water lily sleeps upon her glass.
+
+VI.
+
+  Here let me linger, in that waking sleep
+    Whose dreams are all untinged with haunting dread
+  Of Morning's finger on the eyelids pressed,
+    To rouse the soul and leave the vision dead.
+        And while deep sunk in this soft ecstasy
+        I count the pulse of Heaven dreamily,
+      Let all life's bitterness behind me pass!
+
+VII.
+
+  How still each leaf of my oak canopy,
+    That holds a forest syllable at heart,
+  Yet cannot stir enough in all its veins
+    To give the murmured woodland sentence start!
+        So still--so still all nature far and near,
+        As though the world had checked its breath to hear
+      An angel's message from the distant skies!
+
+VIII.
+
+  This one last glance at earth--one, only one--
+    To see, as through a vail, the gentle face
+  Bent o'er me softly, with the timid love
+    That half distrusts the sleep which gives it grace.
+        The thought that bids mine eyelids half unclose
+        Fades to a dream, and out from Summer goes,
+      In the brown Autumn of her drooping eyes.
+
+Thus irregular in rhythm and vagrant in measure, my boy, are the
+half-sleeping thoughts of a summer noon in Virginia; and it was fully
+an hour before I could summon enough strength of mind to peruse a
+letter recently consigned to me by a rustic chap in my native village.
+
+This chap describes to me what he calls the "Downfall of the Dramy,"
+and says he:
+
+The Dramy is a article for which I have great taste, and which I prefer
+to prayer-meeting as a regular thing. Since the time I wore breeches
+intended to facilitate frequent spankings, I have looked upon
+theatrical artiks with a speeshees of excitement not to be egspressed.
+I was once paying teller to a barber artik who shaved a great
+theatrical artik, and although the theatrical artik never could pay for
+his shaving until he drew his celery, he always frowned so splendidly
+when he turned down his collar, and said: "What ho! there Figaro," that
+my infant mind yearned to ask him for a few tickets to the show.
+
+This great respek for the dramy has grown with my hair, and since this
+high old war has desolated the dramy, my buzzom has been nothing else
+but a wilderness of pangs. The other evening, my fren--which is
+courting a six story house with a woman in the title deed--called at my
+shattoe, and proposed that we should wander amid the ruins of the
+dramy. "It's rejooced to a skellington," says he, quite mournful, "and
+its _E pluribus Onion_ is gone down into the hocean wave." As my friend
+used this strong egspression, he tried to wink at me, but didn't get
+farther than a hik-cup. Arm in-arm, like two Siamese-twins in rejooced
+circumstances, we walked in speechless silence to what was formerly the
+entrance half of a theatre in the pallermy days of the dramy. It was
+like the entrance to the great desert of Sary, and as we groped our way
+through the grass to the ticket office, I observed six wild geese and a
+raccoon in a jungle that was a umberella stand in the pallermy days.
+The treasurer was entirely covered with cobwebs, which had been
+accumulating since the day he last saw speshee, and when he at last
+tore himself out, the sight of the quarter which I handed in sent him
+into immediate convulsions.
+
+"Excuse me," says he, "if I weep over this preshus coin; but the force
+of old associations is too much for this affectionate heart."
+
+He then sent a fly-blown little boy for a tumbler of brandy, and was
+weeping into it copious when we emerged from his presence. Upon
+entering the shattered temple of the dramy, we found a vetrun of 1812,
+which the manager had hired to keep company with the man what lit the
+gas, that artik having declared that if he was kept in solitude any
+longer he should shoot himself from sheer melancholy. It was the
+vetrun's business to keep moving from seat to seat until the
+performance was over, so that the artful cuss of a manager could say
+"every seat was okipied" in the next morning's newspaper. When the
+manager, who was representing the orkestra with a comb wrapt in paper,
+saw me and my fren, he paused in the middle of his overture, and said
+we should have a private box, but that the families of his principal
+artiks were keepin' house in the private boxes, and was rayther crowded
+for room. Seeing me put my hand in my pocket, he said, tearful:
+
+"Tellum me, I conjure ye, are there any such things as quarters in the
+round world? It is now six months since I last mingled with the world,
+and I really forget how many make a dollar."
+
+Touched to the quick by his plaintiff tone, I drew forth a quarter, and
+held it before his anguished vision. Never shall I forget how his eyes
+was sot on that ravishing coin.
+
+"Can it indeed be real?" says he, "or is it but a quarter of the mind?"
+
+I was afeard he might come the "let me clutch thee" dodge if I inflamed
+his imagination any longer; so I put it back into my pocket, and
+axidently revealed the handle of my revolver.
+
+When my fren had cut the damp grass away from one of the orchestra
+seats with his jack-knife, we sat down and put up an umbrella to keep
+off the dew. Being a little nervous, I asked the manager if there was
+any snakes about; and he said he see a couple in the parroquet last
+night, but didn't think they had got down to the orkestra yet. The
+vetrun, which was the audience, stoppd chasing a bull-frog in the
+vestibule when the manager struck up "Days of Abstinence" on his comb,
+and immediately took his seat on chair No. 1, with which he always
+commenced. The curting was then unpinned, and disclosed a scene in a
+lumber-yard, with a heavy mortgage on it. The Count de Mahoginy is
+discovered in the ak of leaving his young wife, who is seated on a pile
+of shavings, for the purpose of obtaining immediate relief from the
+Union Defence Committee. The vetrun received him with great applause,
+and moved from seat to seat as though he was in a hurry to reach the
+gallery. When the artik spoke, there was so much empty stomik in his
+tones, that my fren said he seemed like a bean from another world. My
+fren is a spiritualist. The artik then went off at the left entrance,
+and immediately returned in the character of his own uncle, which had
+come home from California with two millions of dollars, and wished to
+give it to his affectionate nephew and niece. He found his niece in the
+lumber-yard, and having heard her sad story, divulged his intention to
+her and she immediately danced a Spanish _par_ (which is French), and
+sung four songs in honor of the sixty-ninth regiment. Then the uncle
+danced a hornpipe, which he learned on the hocean; and so they kept
+agoin till about nine o'clock, when the countess said she heard her
+husband coming. The uncle was so taken aback by this, that he
+immediately made himself into a tableau representing the last charge of
+the Fire Zouaves at Bull Run: and as the comb struck up "I'm a loan,
+all a loan," the curtain was pinned up again. Just as the performance
+ended, the manager explained that he could only aford to keep two
+artiks--a male and female, and _they_ only stayed because he had a
+mortgage on their wardrobes for over-drawed celery. "I'll light you to
+the door," says he, taking up one of the foot-lights, which was a
+turnip with a candle in it; "and I hope you'll come again when we
+projooce our new play. It's called 'The gas man's last charge,' and
+introjoces a real gas-meter and the sheriff."
+
+My fren and I made no reply, but walked sadly from the ruins with tears
+in our eyes.
+
+The regular Drama, my boy, cannot hope to succeed, while the war which
+now monopolizes all attention is believed by some critics to be a
+regular farce.
+
+                                          Yours, tragically,
+                                                        ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LVIII.
+
+  SHOWING HOW THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE ISSUED AN AFFECTING
+      GENERAL ORDER; EXEMPLIFYING THE BEAUTIES OF A SPADE-CAMPAIGN AS
+      EXHIBITED IN STRATEGY HALL, AND CELEBRATING A NOTABLE CASE OF
+      NAVAL STRATEGY.
+
+
+                                     WASHINGTON, D. C., July 26th, 1862.
+
+The high-minded and chivalrous Confederacy having refused to consider
+itself worsted in our recent great strategic victory near Paris, my
+boy, it only remained for the General of the Mackerel Brigade to
+commence undermining the Confederacy, after the manner of a civil
+engineer; and when last I visited the lines, I found a select
+assortment of Mackerels engaged in the balmy summer pastime of digging
+holes, and dying natural deaths in them.
+
+There was one chap with an illuminated nose, who attracted my
+particular attention by landing a spade-full of sacred soil very neatly
+in my bosom, and says I to him:
+
+"Well, my gallant sexton, how do the obsequies progress?"
+
+"Beautiful," says he, pausing long enough to take a powder which the
+surgeon had left with him. "We've just struck a large vein of typhoid
+fever, and them air Peninsula veterans, which, you see in them holes
+yonder, are already delirious with it. Really," says the chap, with an
+air of quiet enjoyment, as he climbed into the hospital litter, just
+sent after him--"really, there's a smart chance of pushing on our
+cemetery to Richmond before the roads become impassable again."
+
+I was looking after him, as the bearers carried him off, my boy, when I
+saw Captain Villiam Brown ambling leisurely toward me on his
+geometrical steed, Euclid, alternately perusing a paper which he held
+in his right hand, and discussing a canteen in his left. The
+countenance of the warrior was thoughtful, and his shovel swung
+listlessly against the charger's flank.
+
+"How now, my Jack of Spades?" says I, sportively.
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, slowly descending from the roof of his stallion,
+and suffering the latter to lean against a tree, "here is a new
+Proclamation for the moral refreshment of the United States of America.
+Read this impartial edick," says Villiam impressively, "and you will
+find it worthy of the Union Track Society."
+
+I took the official parchment, my boy, and found inscribed upon it the
+following affecting
+
+                       GENERAL ORDER.
+
+Whereas, the United States of America now finds himself engaged in an
+unnatural struggle with the celebrated Southern Confederacy, for the
+Union which our forefathers planted; and it being our object to show
+the world that our intentions are honorable; it is hereby ordered, that
+the Mackerel Brigade do take possession of all guns, pistols, and
+howitzers previously fired at them by persons now in arms against this
+government, keeping strict account of said weapons, in order that their
+owners may be duly and amicably paid for them hereafter. It is further
+ordered that persons of Mackerel descent, occupying the cultivated
+grounds of the aforesaid Southern Confederacy, shall keep strict
+account of the time spent upon the same, in order that reasonable rent
+may be paid for the same as soon as the United States of America shall
+resume specie payment.
+
+                  By order of
+            THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
+  GREEN SEAL,     }
+  VINTAGE OF 1776.}
+
+Having perused this document with much attention, I handed it back to
+Villiam, and says I:
+
+"In purity of moral tone, my hero, that paper is worthy the descendant
+of 1776."
+
+"1776!" says Villiam, reflectively. "Ah!" says Villiam, "it takes
+strategy to revive recollections of those days. We have at least
+seventeen hundred and seventy sick ones in our new hospital already.
+Come with me," says Villiam, genially, "and we will survey the interior
+aspeck of Strategy Hall."
+
+Strategy Hall, my boy, is a fine airy hospital extemporized from a
+barn, on the estate of a prominent Southern Union man, now commanding a
+regiment of Confederacies. The house itself would have been taken, as
+it had somewhat more roof than the barn, and a little more shade; but
+when the General of the Mackerel Brigade learned that Washington had
+once thought of taking a second mortgage on it, he gave orders that no
+Mackerel should go within half a mile of the front door.
+
+On entering Strategy Hall, I beheld a scene calculated to elevate
+sickness into a virtue, and shed immortal lustre upon the kind-hearted
+women of America. Comfortably stretched upon rails taken from
+Confederate fences, and of which a strict account had been kept, with a
+view to future compensation, were a whole section of the Mackerel
+Brigade, in the full enjoyment of strategic health. Over each chap's
+head hung his shovel, and a shingle inscribed with his name and
+address. Thus, the shingle nearest me read: "Spoony Bill, Hose Company
+123, New York Fire Department."
+
+And woman--lovely woman! was there, administering hot drinks to the
+fevered head, bathing with ice-water the brow of those shivering with
+the cruel ague, pouring rich gruel over the chin and neck of the
+nervous sufferer, and reading good books to the raving and delirious.
+It was with a species of holy awe that I beheld one of those human
+angels stand a hot coffee-pot upon the upturned face of one invalid,
+while she hastily flew to fill the right ear of a more urgent sufferer
+with cologne-water. And then to see her softly place one of the
+portable furnaces upon a very sick Mackerel's stomach, while she warmed
+the water with which his beloved head was presently to be shaved; and
+to see her bending over to ask one of the more dangerously ill ones if
+he would not like a nice fat piece of fresh pork, while the other end
+of her crinoline was scraping the head of the Mackerel on the opposite
+rail.
+
+  "O woman! in our hours of ease,
+  Uncertain, coy, and hard to please,
+  And variable as the shade
+  By the light, quivering aspen made;
+  When pain and anguish wring the brow
+  A ministering angel thou."
+
+I could have remained here all day, my boy; for I found the berries,
+ice-cream, and liquors, prepared for the patients, really excellent;
+but Villiam hinted to me that a splendid piece of naval strategy was
+just about to come off on Duck Lake, and I desired to witness our
+national triumph on the ocean wave.
+
+Having quitted Strategy Hall, I repaired to the shore of Duck Lake,
+where numerous Mackerels were already watching Commodore Head's fleet
+as it lay waiting for an expected rebel ram on the treacherous element.
+It appeared that a lurking Confederacy in Paris had waited until the
+Mackerels were all in their holes one day, and then hastily constructed
+an iron-plated ram from an old dry-goods box and two cooking stoves.
+With this formidable monster, he designed offering irregular opposition
+to the Government in the way of killing a few vandal regiments, after
+which he proposed to repair to the Confederate side of Duck Lake, and
+send the particulars of his victory to Europe through some of the more
+vigilantly blockaded Southern ports. He had completed his ram, my boy,
+and hidden it under some hay on the Lake shore, ready to commence his
+carnage when the time came; but one of the Mackerels happened to see it
+when he went fishing, and Commodore Head was at once ordered to have
+his iron-plated squadron in readiness to intercept and destroy the
+monster when she should appear.
+
+"Riddle my turret!" says the Commodore, in his marine manner, as he
+sighted his swivel gun and placed his fishing-rod and box of bait near
+his stool on the quarter-deck, "I feel like grappling with half-a-dozen
+rams of chivalry--loosen my plates! if I don't."
+
+And there we stood on that hot July afternoon, watching the noble craft
+as she sat like a duck on the water, the Mackerel crew sitting aft
+picking a marrow-bone, and the venerable Commodore tilted back on his
+stool upon the quarter-deck, fishing for bass.
+
+Presently we could see the treacherous Confederacy stealing down to
+where his iron-plated monster lay hidden. Softly he removed the
+covering of hay, and cautiously did he place the ram in the water,
+carefully examining the priming of the old-fashioned blunderbuss he
+carried under his arm, as he stepped into this new Merrimac, and
+quietly raising his umbrella with one hand, while he paddled off with
+the other.
+
+The distance between our fleet and the spectator being fully two yards,
+Villiam had thoughtfully provided bits of smoked glass for our party,
+and we now brought them to bear upon the scene of approaching
+slaughter. The Mackerel crew on board our squadron appeared to be
+wholly absorbed in the pleasing experiment of following, with a straw,
+the motions of a fly whose wings he had just pulled off, and Commodore
+Head had fallen into a refreshing slumber in the midst of his fishing.
+In fact, no means had been left unemployed to guard against a surprise.
+
+Now, it happened that the nautical Confederacy did his paddling with
+his back to the bow of his iron-plated monster, and before he knew it,
+his ram went smack against the Mackerel fleet, with a sound like the
+smashing of many dinner-plates. So tremendous was the shock, that the
+stool upon which Commodore Head was tilted, gave way beneath his
+weight, and he came down upon the deck with a crash like muffled
+thunder. Simultaneously, the Confederacy discharged his blunderbuss two
+points to windward, and would have followed up his advantage by
+boarding at once; but by this time the Mackerel crew had recovered his
+presence of mind, and poured such a shower upon the intruder from a
+watering-pot which he found in the stern-sheets, that the latter
+retreated in great disorder.
+
+Meanwhile, our gallant old naval hero had regained his feet, and having
+carefully put away his fishing tackle and box of bait, he made his
+appearance on the starboard, with his spy-glass under one arm, his
+speaking trumpet under the other, and his log-book between his teeth.
+
+No sooner did the now thoroughly exasperated Confederacy behold his
+venerable figure, than he hastily shut up his umbrella and violently
+cracked him over the head with it, knocking off his spectacles, and
+greatly damaging his new white hat.
+
+"Batter my armor!" thundered the commodore, picking up his spectacles
+and bending them straight again. "I don't want you to do that again."
+
+"Scorpion!" roared the Confederacy, dropping his umbrella, and dancing
+up and down in his ram, with his arms in a boxing attitude. "Come on,
+base old being!"
+
+"Then take thy doom," shrieked the maddened commodore, quickly striking
+a match on the bottom of one of his boots, and touching off the swivel
+gun. With a report like the explosion of a deadly pistol, the trusty
+weapon hurled its contents about two inches above the head of the
+Mackerel crew, wildly tearing off the cap of the latter, and shaking
+the staunch craft from stem to stern.
+
+Somewhat alarmed by this demonstration, the Confederacy commenced
+shoving off with his ram, using his blunderbuss and umbrella as oars,
+and singing the Southern Marseillaise.
+
+"Out with the sculls and give chase!" ejaculated Commodore Head, in a
+great perspiration. It was found, upon examination, that the sculls had
+been left on shore, and it was further discovered that the Mackerel
+fleet was aground; otherwise our victory would have been more complete.
+
+With eyes strained to the utmost we were gazing upon all this from the
+beach, when Villiam suddenly placed a hand upon my arm, and says he:
+"Hark!"
+
+We listened. There was a sound as of a faint human cry. It approached
+nearer. We could distinguish words. Nearer and nearer. The words now
+came clear and distinct to our quickened ears.
+
+"Extry a-Her-rr-rr-ald, capture of Vicksburg and sinking of the rebel
+ram by Commore Head!"
+
+Since newspapers have become so plentiful in this once distracted
+country, my boy, that even the babe shews them upon its mother's lap,
+the poorest man is enabled to see instantaneously, through a glass as
+it were, the most distant events--a glass, my boy, which makes things
+appear much larger at a distance than they seem to those close by.
+
+                                             Yours, admiringly,
+                                                       ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LIX.
+
+  INSTANCING THE BENEFICENT DEPORTMENT OF THE VENERABLE GAMMON, AND
+      NOTING THE PERFORMANCE OF A REMARKABLE MORAL DRAMA BY CAPTAIN
+      VILLIAM BROWN.
+
+
+                                     WASHINGTON, D. C., August 2d, 1862.
+
+Some enthusiasm was excited here in the early part of the week, my boy,
+by the return of the Venerable Gammon from a visit to his aged family
+at Mugville, whither he goes regularly once a month for the benefit of
+the sagacious chaps of the press. A great blessing is the Venerable
+Gammon to the palladium of our liberties, my boy; for no sooner does
+our army cease to change its base of operations, and do other things
+calculated to make the war interesting and lengthy, than he pulls out
+his ruffles, sighs frequently, and melts away to Mugville. Then all the
+sagacious press chaps rush to the telegraph office and flash feverish
+paragraphs to the intelligent morning journals: "Highly
+important--Sudden departure of the Venerable Gammon for Mugville to
+attend the death-bed of a relative--Believed in military circles that
+this indicates a change in the Cabinet--Border States delegation has
+again waited on the President--More vigorous policy needed."
+
+Whereupon the editors of all the intelligent morning journals
+ecstatically print the paragraphs, affixing to them: "_Note by the
+Editor._--Washington is a town in the so called District of
+Columbia--situated on the Potomac. We infer from our correspondent's
+dispatch that it has not yet been taken by the rebels."
+
+American journalism, my boy, in presenting a vast amount of matter
+daily, is eminently calculated to impress the youthful brain with a
+keen sense of what a wide distinction there is between Mind and Matter.
+
+Immediately on the return of the Venerable Gammon, he commenced saying
+things, which made all the rest of mankind seem like withered children
+in comparison with him. He was beaming genially on the throng at
+Willard's, and says I to him:
+
+"It would appear, my beloved _Pater Patria_, that military matters are
+not quite as interesting as a woman with a headache just now."
+
+The Venerable Gammon pitied my youth, and waved his hand fatly by way
+of a silent blessing to all the world. "Military affairs," says he,
+effulgently, "are like metaphysics. Military affairs," says the
+Venerable Gammon, benignantly, "are like that which we do not
+understand--they defy our comprehension and comprehend our defiance."
+
+Then all the Congressmen looked at each other, as much as to say the
+Union was saved at last; and I felt like a babe in the presence of the
+great Behemoth of the Scriptures.
+
+How the Venerable Gammon has anything at all to do with this war, I
+can't find out, my boy, but when the affectionate populace learned that
+the Venerable Gammon had returned from Mugville, they swarmed around
+his carriage, and entreated him either to spit upon them, or save them
+from slow decay by a speech. It was then the Venerable man raised his
+hand in soothing benediction, and says he:
+
+"My friends, you are young yet, and have much to learn concerning war.
+I can only say to you, my friends, that all goes well with McClellan;
+and, if you will only hasten to fill up old regiments, raise a few
+thousand new ones, and go yourselves, the advance upon Richmond may
+commence at any time."
+
+The most enthusiastic cheering followed this comforting speech of the
+Venerable Gammon, and six ecstatic chaps immediately offered to
+volunteer as major-generals.
+
+Shall we presume to talk of drafting, my boy, when there is such
+readiness on the part of the people to lead the troops? I think not, my
+boy, I think not. Let the draft be protested.
+
+On Wednesday I again took a trip to Paris, accompanied by my frescoed
+dog, Bologna, and found upon reaching that city that the Mackerel
+Brigade had built itself a theatre, after the manner of Drury Lane, and
+was about to partake of the rich intellectual drama. This chaste temple
+might possibly be taken for a cowshed, my boy, by those who are not
+conversant with architecture in one story. It occupies a spot which has
+been rising ground ever since the Mackerels commenced to dig trenches
+around it, and the front door is so spacious that you have to go all
+around the building to find where it stops opening. The seats are
+similar to those which are supposed to have been so popular with the
+Count de Grasse and the stage is exquisitely extemporized from several
+flour-barrels, with a curtain created from the flannel petticoats
+recently belonging to the wife of the Southern Confederacy.
+
+Passing over all intervening events, my boy, let me direct your special
+attention to the night we celebrated, when I found myself occupying a
+box (previously used for crackers) in the temple of the Muses,
+surrounded by uniforms and dazzled by the glitter of the shovels worn
+by the military celebrities present. In a box (marked "Sperm
+Candles--First quality") on my right, I noticed a number of
+distinguished persons whom I did not know, and to the left were grouped
+several celebrated visitors with whom I was not acquainted. The stage
+itself realized numerous brilliant footlights in the way of bottles
+containing gorgeous tallow-dips; and when the orchestra brought out his
+key-bugle and struck up the martial strain of "I want to be an Angel,"
+there _was_ a dry eye in the house.
+
+(Make a note of this last unparalleled fact, my boy; for you, nor any
+other mortal man, ever heard of its occurrence before.)
+
+The curtain having been taken down by a gentleman who had forgotten to
+wash himself when the washstand went round last time, the play
+commenced; and I found it to be
+
+                          THE UNION AS IT WAS.
+
+                    A HIGH MORAL DRAMA, IN ONE ACK.
+
+                  BY CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN, ESKEVIRE.
+
+The plot of this admirable work is very simple, my boy, and appeals to
+those sentiments of the human heart which affect the liver. The scene
+is laid in Washington, where it has been frequently seen, and the drama
+opens with a fine
+
+      CONSERVATIVE CHORUS.
+
+  Abram, spare the South,
+    Touch not a single slave:
+  Nor e'en by word of mouth,
+    Disturb the thing we crave.
+  'Twas our forefather's hand
+    That Slavery begot;
+  There, Abram, let it stand
+    Thine Acts shall harm it not.
+
+At the conclusion of this spirited National Anthem, the Border States
+chaps who have been singing it are invited to have another interview
+with the President, who has only seen them twice the same morning. As
+they pass out, the celebrated Miss Columbia appears, wrapt in deep
+thought and the American flag, and reading the twenty-third
+proclamation for the current month. She asks her heart if she is indeed
+divorced--if her once happy Union is indeed broken; and as her heart
+refuses to answer any such common question, a doubt is allowed to
+remain in the bosom of the spectator. In deep agony she kneels at the
+monument of Washington and softly sings "Hail Columbia," while the
+Southern Confederacy, who has just arrived, proceeds to plant batteries
+all round her, assisted in the work by reliable contrabands. After some
+moments spent in prayer for the repose of Secretary Welles, Columbia
+discovered her surroundings, and is about to make a faint, when the
+spirit of Napoleon appears, and tells her she has nothing to fear, as
+he is about to change his base of operations, and take Richmond. He
+tells her he would have taken it long before but for the Tribune. This
+is a very fine scene--very fine. The spirit of Napoleon then proceeds
+to pick up everything he can find and throw it over to the Southern
+Confederacy, at the same time swinging himself around so that his left
+fist may be presented to the enemy instead of his right, only pausing
+long enough to drive back a reliable contraband who has started to
+desert to him. Matters are progressing admirably, and the Confederacy
+has only planted 24 more batteries around Columbia, when the
+Conservative Chorus comes tearing back to the scene, with the news that
+the President has determined to pay for all runaway slaves in
+postage-stamps! This splendid stroke of policy so completely staggers
+the Confederacy, that he only erects thirty-two more batteries, and
+acknowledges that his back-bone is broken: Strange to say, Columbia
+still labors under the delusion that she is in danger; but is finally
+re-assured by the spirit of Napoleon, who convinces her that all is
+going well, and at once draws his shovel and commences to dig a hole.
+Columbia asks: "Wherefore this digging?" To which the response is:
+
+  "Our Union in its broken state
+    Is discord to the soul:
+  And therefore are we digging here
+    To make the Union hole."
+
+The digging proceeds until the spirit of Napoleon is sunk deep into the
+earth, when the Southern Confederacy deliberately steps over the hole
+and captures Washington, at the same time ordering Columbia to black
+his boots. Columbia would be utterly bereft of hope at this turn in
+affairs but for the cheerful conduct of the Conservative Chorus, who
+bid her rejoice that the good old times have come again. Columbia then
+remembers that she did indeed black the boots of the Confederacy in the
+good old times, and it suddenly flashes upon her that the Union is, in
+truth, restored--AS IT WAS. A brilliant blue light is thrown upon the
+scene, and as the curtain falls the Conservative Chorus are seen in the
+act of taking all the credit to themselves and indignantly refusing to
+pay their war taxes.
+
+This affecting drama of real life was played entirely by gifted
+Mackerels, my boy, the one who acted Columbia being possessed of a
+voice as musical as that which sometimes comes from between the teeth
+of a new saw.
+
+When the last round of applause had subsided, and I was leaving the
+theatre, I came upon the dramatist, Captain Villiam Brown, who appeared
+to be waiting to hear what I had to say about his work. Says I to him:
+
+"Well, my versatile Euripides, your play resembles the better dramas of
+Æschylus, inasmuch as it is all Greek to me."
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, hastily assuming the attitude in which Shakspere
+generally appears in his pictures. "Did I remind you forcibly of the
+bard of Avon?"
+
+"Yes," says I, kindly; "you might easily be taken for Shakspere--after
+dark."
+
+As I turned to leave him, my boy, I could not help thinking how often
+the world will call a man a "Second" So-and-so, long before he has
+anything like commenced to be first, even.
+
+                                             Yours, doubtingly,
+                                                        ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                               LETTER LX.
+
+  REPORTING THE SECOND REGULAR MEETING OF THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB, AND
+      THE BRITISH MEMBER'S CITATION OF THE ENGLISH POETS.
+
+
+                                    WASHINGTON, D. C., August 5th, 1862.
+
+This is a dull day, my boy; and when there is no longer any sunshine to
+make steel bayonets and brass buttons glimmer to the eye, war is stript
+of half its pomp, and the American mind takes a plain, practical view
+of the strife.
+
+Truth to tell, this secession is a very shabby, unromantic thing to
+fight about. There is really no poetry at all about it, my boy, and
+when one would rhyme about it, the mantle of poesy refuses to fall upon
+him, though a bogus sort of Hood may possibly keep him in countenance.
+The cause of this war is simply this--
+
+              PER SE.
+
+      Sepoys--sea-thieves--
+      C. Bonds--see slaves--
+  See seizures made in every kind of way;
+      See debts sequestrated--
+      Sea-island frustrated;
+  Segars--seditionists--and C. S. A.,
+      Seduced from honor bright--
+      Secluded from serenest Wisdom's light--
+      Sea-pent by ships of war--
+  Selected planters for the world no more;
+      Severely snubbed by all--
+      Secure to fall;
+  Sedately left alone by all who see
+  Seed poisonous sown in sectional retrogression;
+  See-saw diplomacy, sedition foui _per se_;
+  Sequel--that serio-comic scene--
+        SECESSION!
+
+Speaking of poetry; I attended the meeting of the Cosmopolitan Club on
+Monday night, and was much electrified by the treasures of British
+literature unfolded by Smith-Brown. That double-chinned chap brought to
+view a roll of manuscript, and says he:
+
+"Instead of reading a story for your entertainment, gentlemen, I
+propose to make you acquainted with the war-sentiments of a few of
+Albion's poet's, as expressed in certain unpublished verses of theirs
+which have privately come into my possession.
+
+"First, let me commend to your attention some amiable rhymes by a bard
+who knows more about this blarsted country than it knows about hitself":
+
+          A MISTAKE BY HEAVEN!
+
+        _By Dr. Charles Mack--y._
+
+  In Heaven's Chancery the Records stand
+  Of men and deeds in each and ev'ry land,
+  And as new rulers rise, or empires fall,
+  Appointed angels make a note of all.
+
+  To mark the changes in this world of late
+  There came a Spirit from the Throne of Fate,
+  Instructed closely, to be sure and see
+  Who earth's chief rulers for _this_ year might be.
+
+  His task accomplished, back the Spirit flew
+  To Heaven's Chancery, as bade to do,
+  And from his vestments took the mystic scroll
+  That named each potentate, from Pole to Pole.
+
+  Recording Angels glanced it sharply o'er,
+  To note each change from what the Records bore;
+  But found no nations changing potentates
+  Until they came to the United States.
+
+  "Another President!" the angels sighed,
+  "Another President!" the Fates replied;
+  And straight a pen the Chief Recorder took
+  To write the ruler's name within his book.
+
+  He wrote--(alas! 'twill hardly be believed
+  The very angels could be so deceived)--
+  He wrote the name that all his sprites might read--
+  Not Abr'am Lincoln; no! but--THURLOW WEED.
+
+  !!   #   #   #   !!   #   #   #   !!
+
+  If foreign nations fail to judge your cause
+  In strict accordance with set Christian laws,
+  It is no proof of their intending crimes,
+  Since angels, even, make mistakes at times!
+
+We were all silent after that, my boy, and says the old British chap:
+
+"The next manuscript expresses the conservative sentiment of Britain's
+Isle, the measure being peculiar and the manner inquiring. Hattention!--
+
+                THE WAR.
+
+            BY SIDNEY DOBELL.
+
+I.
+
+    Oh, the war, the war,
+    _Oh_, the war, the war,
+    OH, the war--
+    With pools of gory, dripping grime,
+    And ghastly, beastly, horrible rime,
+    The soldier bloody, stiff and stark--
+    The cannon thunders, hark! hark!
+  Columbia, how's the war?
+
+II.
+
+    Oh, the blood, the blood,
+    _Oh_, the blood, the blood,
+    OH, the blood--
+    Curdling, welling, staining the ground,
+    Bubbling from wounds with sick'ning sound;
+    The life gone out in a wind of swords,--
+    Murderers leagued in hordes! hordes!
+  Columbia, how's the blood?
+
+III.
+
+    Oh, the roar, the roar,
+    _Oh_, the roar, the roar,
+    OH, the roar--
+    Thousands grappling, tearing to death,
+    Fever, madness and hell in a breath;
+    Rage, despair, oath and scream--
+    Rivers crimson stream! stream!
+  Columbia, how's the roar?
+
+IV.
+
+    Oh, the blaze, the blaze,
+    _Oh_, the blaze, the blaze.
+    OH, the blaze,
+    Homes in flames, lighting the storm,
+    Torches for death in a brother's form;
+    Ruin, ravage, ashes and smoke,--
+    Hopes and heart-strings broke! broke!
+  Columbia, how's the blaze?
+
+V.
+
+    Oh, the groan, the groan,
+    _Oh_, the groan, the groan,
+    OH, the groan--
+    Mothers sonless, homeless and old,
+    Sisters brotherless, lone and cold,
+    Children starving, wailing for bread,--
+    Fathers and brothers dead! dead!
+  Columbia, how's the groan?
+
+VI.
+
+    Oh, the woe, the woe,
+    _Oh_, the woe, the woe,
+    OH, the woe,
+    Cities famishing, villages still,
+    Blood in the valley and fire on the hill;
+    Horror, havoc, curses and tears,--
+    Dark desolation for years! years!
+  Columbia, how's the woe?
+
+VII.
+
+    Oh, the end, the end,
+    _Oh_, the end, the end,
+    OH, the end,
+    Griefs and graves at every hearth,
+    Heaven offended, outraged Earth:
+    Prayers for vengeance from ev'ry tomb--
+    Borne to the living a doom! doom!
+  Columbia, how's the end?
+
+Here Bonbon, the French chap, struck in, and says he: "Oh, the ass, the
+ass, _Oh_, the ass, the ass, OH, the ass----"
+
+"Silence, Napoleon!" says the British chap, "and r-r-remember Waterloo!
+The next metrical gem," says he, "illustrates the deeper profundity of
+British thought, and conveys a moral lesson of the deepest significance
+to babes and sucklings. Hem!"--
+
+              COLUMBIA'S AGONY.
+
+        BY MARTIN FARQUHAR TUP----R.
+
+  I hold it good--as who shall hold it bad?
+    To lave Columbia in the boiling tears
+  I shed for Freedom when my soul is sad,
+    And having shed proceed to shed again:
+  For _human sadness sad to all appears_,
+    And tears men sometimes shed are shed by men.
+
+  The normal nation lives until it dies,
+    As men may die when they have ceased to live;
+  But when abnormal, by a foe's surprise,
+    It may not reach its first-appointed goal;
+  For _what we have not is not ours to give_,
+    And if we miss it all we miss the whole.
+
+  Columbia, young, a giant baby born,
+    Aimed at a manhood ere the child had been,
+  And slipping downward in a strut forlorn,
+    Learns, to its sorrow, what 'tis good to know,
+  That _babes who walk too soon, too soon begin
+    To walk_ in this dark vale of life below.
+
+  When first the State of Charleston did secede,
+    And Morrill's tariff was declared repealed,
+  The soul of Freedom everywhere did bleed
+    For that which, having seen, it sadly saw;
+  So true it is, _death-wounds are never healed_,
+    And law defied is not unquestioned law.
+
+  The mother-poet, England, sadly viewed
+    The strife unnatural across the wave,
+  And with maternal tenderness renewed
+    Her sweet assurances of neutral love;
+  _A mother's love may not its offspring save;
+    But mother's love is still a mother's love._
+
+  Learn thou, Columbia, in thine agony,
+    That England loves thee, with a love as deep
+  As my "Proverbial Philosophy"
+    Has won for me from her approving breast;
+  _The love that never slumbers cannot sleep_,
+    And all for highest good is for the best.
+
+  Thy Freedom fattens on the work of slaves,
+    Her Grace of Sutherland informeth me;
+  And all thy South Amboy is full of graves,
+    Where tortured bondmen snatch a dread repose;
+  Learn, then, the _race enslaved is never free_,
+    And in thy woes incurred, behold thy woes.
+
+  Thy pride is humbled, humbled is thy pride,
+    And now misfortunes come upon thee, thick
+  With dark reproaches for the right defied,
+    And cloud thy banner in a dim eclipse;
+  _Sic transit gloria gloria transic sic_,
+    The mouth that speaketh useth its own lips.
+
+  Thus speeds the world, and thus our planet speeds;
+    What is, must be; and what can't be, is not;
+  Our acts unwise are not our wisest deeds,
+    And what we do is what ourselves have done;
+  _Mistakes remembered are not faults forgot_,
+    And we must wait for day to see the sun.
+
+I looked up at Smith-Brown, my boy, and says I:
+
+"What does he mean by the 'State of Charleston,' my fat friend?"
+
+"Why," says he, "that's a poetic license, or American geography diluted
+by the Atlantic. And here we have something by the gifted hauthor of
+'Locksley Hall,' which it is somewhat in that vein:
+
+                                AMERICA.
+
+                          BY ALFRED TEN----N.
+
+  Westward, westward flies the eagle, westward with the setting sun,
+  To an eyrie growing golden in a morning just begun;
+  Where the world is new in promise of a virgin nation's love.
+  And the grand results of ages germs of nobler ages prove;
+
+  Where a prophecy of greatness runs through all the soul of youth,
+  And the miracle of Freedom blesses in a living truth;
+  Where the centuries unnumbered narrow to a single night,
+  And their trophies are but planets wheeling round a central light.
+
+  Where the headlands breast the Ocean sweeping round creation's East,
+  And the prairies roll in blossoms to the Ocean of the West;
+  Where the voices of the seas are blended o'er a nation's birth,
+  In the harmony of Nature's hymn to Liberty on earth.
+
+  Land of Promise! Revelation of a loyalty that springs
+  From a grander depth of purple than the heritage of kings--
+  From the inner purple cherished at the thrones of lives sublime,
+  Cast in glorious consecration 'neath the plough of Father Time--
+
+  Home of Freedom, hope of millions born and slain and yet to be,
+  Shall the spirit of the bondless, caught from heaven, fail in thee?
+  Shall the watching world behold thee falling from thy starry height?
+  Like a meteor, in thine ending leaving only darker night?
+
+  Oh! my kinsmen, Oh! my brothers--fellow-heirs of Saxon hearts,
+  Lo the Eagle quits his eyrie swifter than a swallow darts,
+  And the lurid flame of battle burns within his angry eye,
+  Glowing like a living ember cast in vengeance from the sky.
+
+  At thy hearth a foe has risen, fiercer yet to burn and kill,
+  That he was thy chosen brother--friend no more, but brother still;
+  For the bitter tide of hatred deeper runs and fiercer grows,
+  As the pleading voice of Nature addeth self-reproach to blows.
+
+  Strike! and in the ghastly horrors of a fratricidal war,
+  Learn the folly of your wanderings from the guiding Northern Star;
+  What were all your gains and glories, to creation's fatal loss
+  When ye crucified your Freedom on the cruel Southern Cross?
+
+  Oh! my brothers narrow-sighted--Oh! my brothers slow to hear
+  What the phantoms of the fallen ever whisper in the ear;
+  God is just, and from the ruins of the temple rent in twain
+  Rises up the invocation of a warning breathed in vain.
+
+  All thy pillars reel around thee from the fury of the blow,
+  And the fires upon thine altars fade and flicker to and fro;
+  Call the vigor of thy manhood into arms from head to foot,
+  Strike! and in thy strife with error let the blow be at the root.
+
+  So thy war shall wear the glory of a purpose to refine
+  From the dross of early folly all the honor that is thine;
+  So thine arms shall gather friendship to the standard of a cause
+  Blending in its grand approval British hearts and British laws.
+
+  Form thy heroes into armies from the mart and from the field,
+  And their ranks shall stretch around thee in a bristling, living shield;
+  Take the loyal beggar's offer; for the war whose cause is just
+  Breathes the soul of noblest daring into forms of meanest dust.
+
+  Let thy daughters wreathe their chaplets for the foreheads of the brave,
+  Let thy daughters trace their lineage from the patriot's honored grave;
+  Woman's love is built the strongest when it rests on woman's pride,
+  Better be a soldier's widow than a meek civilian's bride.
+
+  Onward let thine Eagles lead thee, where the livid Southern sun
+  Courts the incense for the heavens of a righteous battle won;
+  And the bright Potomac, winding through the fields unto the sea
+  Shall no longer mark the libel--what is bond and what is free.
+
+  Rising from the fierce ordeal washed in blood and purified,
+  See the future stretch before thee, limitless on every side;
+  And in all the deep'ning envy of the nations wed to sloth,
+  Mark the record of thy progress, see the mirror of thy growth.
+
+  Rising from thy purifying, like a giant from his rest,
+  Thou shalt find thy praise an echo from the East unto the West;
+  Thou shalt find thy love a message from the South unto the North,
+  Each its past mistake of duty finding out and casting forth.
+
+  And thy States in new communion, by the blood they all have shed,
+  Shall be wedded to each other in the pardon of the dead;
+  Each, a scale of steel to cover vital part from foreign wrong,
+  All, a coat of armor guarding that to which they All belong.
+
+  Thou shalt measure seas with navies, span the earth with iron rails,
+  Catch the dawn upon thy banner and the sunset on thy sails;
+  Northern halls of ice shall echo to thy sailor's merry note,
+  And the standard of thy soldier on the Southern isle shall float.
+
+  Turning to thy mother, England, thou shalt find her making boast
+  Of the Great Republic westward, born of strength that she has lost;
+  And thy Saxon blood shall join ye, never to be torn apart,
+  Moving onward to the future, hand in hand and heart to heart.
+
+At the conclusion of this last reading, my boy, we separated. When we
+are "heart to heart" with England, my boy, the heart that is underneath
+may possibly have ceased to beat.
+
+                                Yours, to beat, or not to beat,
+                                                        ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                               LETTER LXI.
+
+  PORTRAYING A SOCIAL EFFECT OF THE POSTAGE-STAMP CURRENCY,
+      DESCRIBING THE GREAT WAR MEETING IN ACCOMAC, RECORDING THE
+      LATEST EXPLOIT OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE, AND INTRODUCING A
+      DRAFTING ITEM.
+
+
+                                    WASHINGTON, D. C., August 9th, 1862.
+
+If tired Nature's sweet restorer, balmy Sleep, should ever take it into
+her head to invade our distracted country, she would meet with less
+resistance in Washington than it is possible for the able-bodied mind
+to comprehend. Notwithstanding the fact that President Lincoln is an
+honest man, my boy, the genius of Slumber has opened a large wholesale
+establishment here, and the tendency to repose is so general that the
+authorities are just able to wink at secession sympathizers. It takes
+so long to get the news of the war from New York, that our citizens
+grow languid in the intervals. On Monday, indeed, an enterprising chap
+from Nantucket opened a Museum on the outskirts of the town, by way of
+varying the monotony, and quite a numerous crowd assembled to witness
+the performance. This Museum comprises a real two shilling piece,
+inclosed in a strong glass case, to preserve it from the violence of
+the mob, and even respectable old married men go to see it, for the
+sake of past associations. On the occasion of my visit to this unique
+establishment I arrived shortly before the exhibition began, and found
+a brilliant array of beauty and fashion for an audience. It was quite
+interesting, my boy, to hear the conversation going on. There was a
+fine young chap just in front of me who has recently been appointed to
+the staff of the Commander-in-Chief in consequence of his great
+experience in the coal business, and says he to another Lubin's
+Extracts chap:
+
+"Fwedwick, who is that wavishing creatchah ovah they-ar, with the
+Peach-Orchard eyes and Lehigh hair?"
+
+"Aw, dimmy," says Lubin's Extracts, "that's the great heiress. She's
+worth eighty thousand postage-stamps."
+
+"The wed kind?" says the young staff-chap, eagerly--"is it the sticky
+wed kind, Fwed?"
+
+"No," says Lubin's Extracts, scornfully; "it's the green ten cent kind."
+
+"Intwojoose me," says the staff-chap, excitedly--"intwojoose me, Fwed;
+I must know her--upon my soul I must."
+
+Upon his soul, my boy--he said upon his _soul_! When it is possible for
+an introduction to take place upon such a soul as that, my boy, it will
+be comparatively able to manoeuvre an elephant brigade on the extreme
+point of an infant needle.
+
+When the manager of the Museum came out to lecture upon his great
+natural curiosity, there was immediate silence; and when the case was
+uncovered, revealing the quarter to full view, several very old
+gentlemen fainted! Alas! they remembered the time when--but no matter
+now--no matter now.
+
+"Ladies and gentlemen," says the manager, pointing solemnly to his
+treasure, "the rare and beautiful coin which you now behold was well
+known to our forefathers, who stamped the figure of Liberty upon it, in
+order to show the world that this is the only country where man is at
+Liberty to deal in slaves by way of financial speculation. This rare
+coin disappeared as soon as the Liberty I speak of seemed to be
+endangered, nor will it reappear in this country again while there are
+so many brokers ahead."
+
+On quitting this admirable exhibition, my boy, I did not return to this
+city, but went immediately down to Accomac, to attend the great Union
+meeting. Accomac, my boy, has at length determined that this war shall
+be vigorously carried on, even if it takes several public speakers to
+say so; and the conduct of Accomac, in calling a meeting for such a
+purpose, reminds me of a chap in the Sixth Ward.
+
+He was a respectable family chap, who had formed a partnership with all
+his neighbors for the express purpose of taking entire and exclusive
+charge of their business for them, and evinced such a deep interest in
+the most private affairs of his friends, that absence did not conquer
+their love for him. One Sunday there was a city missionary at the
+church he attended, who implored the aid and prayers of the
+congregation in behalf of a poor but pious family, who were starving to
+death around the corner. "Hev any tracts been left with our suffering
+frens?" says the respectable chap, rising in his pew and pinching his
+benevolent chin thoughtfully. "Yes," says the missionary, sadly, "we
+sent them some tracts on the immortality of the soul; but, horrible to
+relate, they gained no flesh by them." The respectable chap, who was a
+baker by profession, was much moved by this revelation of human
+depravity, and says he to a bald-headed chap in the next pew: "Brother
+Jones, you must attend to this sad case in the morning. We must
+remember our fellow-beings in affliction, Brother Jones. Early to-morrow
+you must take some bread to this suffering family. If you have no bread
+of your own, Brother Jones," says the respectable chap, feelingly,
+"come to my shop and I--I will sell you some for this charitable
+purpose." But Brother Jones proved to be a grievous backslider, my boy,
+and said he had an engagement to go to Hoboken on the morning in
+question. "Very well," says the respectable chap, when he heard this,
+"then I will arrange it in another way. Tell our starving brothers and
+sisters to have faith," says he to the missionary, in a heartfelt
+manner, "and they shall be fed, even as the ravings fed my old friend
+Elijah." So, the next day he called a meeting of brethren to pray that
+food might be sent to the suffering ones, and they used up the entire
+English language in prayer to such an extent, that when the respectable
+chap topped off with a benediction, he had to introduce some Latin
+quotations. They had just finished this noble work of Christian
+benevolence, when the missionary came tearing in, and says he: "It's
+all over; they're all dead; the last child starved to death half an
+hour ago." The respectable chap stared at him aghast, and says he: "Did
+you tell them to have faith?" The missionary cracked a peanut, and says
+he: "Verily, I did; but they said they couldn't have faith on empty
+stomachs." The respectable chap pondered a while, and says he: "If they
+didn't have faith, my frens, the whole matter is explained. We, at
+least, have done our duty. We have prayed for them, frens--we have
+prayed for them." And the brethren went home to their dinners.
+
+Public mass meetings, my boy, to help a struggling country, are like
+prayer-meetings to aid the starving poor; the intention is good, but
+the practical benefit resulting therefrom is not visible to the naked
+eye.
+
+There was a large meeting at Accomac, several new liquor-shops having
+been opened there recently, and the speakers were as eloquent as it is
+possible for men to be when advising other men to do what they don't
+care to do themselves. A chap of large abdominal developments was
+specially fervid. Says he: "Let us show to them as is tyrants and
+reveling in the agonies of down-trodden Europe, that this Republic is
+able to put down all enemies whatsomever, without interfering with any
+of the inalienable rights of those who, though our enemies, are still
+our long-lost brothers. (Frantic applause.) Shall it be said that
+twenty-two millions of people cannot put down eight millions without
+injuring those eight millions? (Shrieks of approbation, and cries of
+"That's so!") No! a thousand times no! We fight, not to injure the
+South; not to interfere with them, which is our own flesh and blood,
+but to sustain the Constitution rendered sacred by Revolutionary gore!
+(Overwhelming enthusiasm.) The creatures which is trying to break up
+this here beneficent Government, ask us what we are fighting for, then?
+Gracious hevings! what a question is this! Do they not know what we are
+fighting for--that in this unhappy struggle we--that our purpose, I
+would say, in prosecuting hostilities is to--is to--DO IT? Of course it
+is."
+
+This speech, short, terse, and to the purpose, was gloriously received
+by everybody, except a friendless chap, who said he didn't understand
+the last clause; and he was immediately sent to jail for daring to be
+so traitorously obtuse.
+
+Though the General of the Mackerel Brigade was seated upon the highest
+barrel on the platform, my boy, and blew his nose louder than any one
+else, he did not wish to be seen, nor did he intend that the assemblage
+should call upon him for the speech sticking out of his side-pocket;
+but when the throng accidentally found him to be the most prominent
+figure in sight, they thoughtlessly called upon him to say something.
+The General laid aside his fan with some embarrassment, and says he:
+
+"My children, I love you. My children," says the General, motioning to
+his aid to fill the tumbler again, "I daresay you expect me to say
+something, and though I am unprepared to speak, there is one thing I
+will say. If anything goes wrong in this war, nobody is to blame, as I
+alone am responsible. Bless you, my children."
+
+As the idol of the populace finished these touching remarks, and
+resumed his tumbler and fan, there was but one sentiment in the whole
+of that vast assemblage, and a democratic chap immediately went and
+telegraphed to Syracuse that the prospect for a Democratic President in
+1865, was beautiful.
+
+The meeting might have lasted another week, my boy, thereby rendering
+the Union cause utterly invincible, but for the imprudence of an insane
+chap who proposed that some of the young men present should enlist.
+This malapropos and singularly inconsistent suggestion broke up the
+assemblage at once, in great disorder--volunteering being just the last
+thing that any one thought of doing. Greatly edified and encouraged by
+what I had heard, my boy, I made all haste for Paris, where I found the
+Mackerel Brigade and Commodore Head's fleet in great excitement over
+the case of an Irish gentleman who believed this to be a white man's
+war, and had started for Paris, just fourteen minutes after landing in
+this country, for the express purpose of protesting against any labor
+being performed by negroes, while there were white men to do it.
+Colonel Wobert Wobinson, of the Anatomical Cavalry, quieted him by
+saying that, although a number of negroes were then engaged in digging
+trenches, a new line of holes in a far more unhealthy place would be
+commenced in the morning, and that none but Irishmen should be
+permitted to dig them.
+
+On the night previous to my arrival, my boy, while all the Mackerels
+were watching the stars with a view to prevent any surprise from that
+quarter, the Southern Confederacy on the other side of Duck Lake
+trained four large fowling-pieces upon their peaceful camp from behind
+a wood-pile, and commenced a ferocious and ear-splitting bombardment.
+It was some hours before our men could be got into position to return
+the fire, as Captain Bob Shorty had forgotten where they had put the
+Orange County Howitzers when last using them. The fleet, too, was
+somewhat delayed in getting into action, as Commodore Head experienced
+some difficulty in unlocking the box into which he always puts his
+spectacles and slow-match before retiring at night.
+
+Finally, however, the howitzers were discovered behind some boards, and
+the spectacles and slow-match were forthcoming, and our troops were
+pouring a hot fire across Duck Lake before the Confederacy had got
+two-thirds of the way back to Richmond. Next morning, my boy, the Conic
+Section crossed the Lake, and cleared away everything on the opposite
+shore except the before-mentioned wood-pile. The latter contains the
+same kind of wood that was burned in the time of Washington, my boy,
+and twenty men were appointed to guard it from the profanation of our
+troops. We must protect such property at all hazards, my boy, or the
+Constitution becomes a nullity.
+
+Having crossed the treacherous element to view the immediate scene of
+these proceedings, and learned from Captain Villiam Brown that our
+pickets were within ten miles of the Confederacy's capital, I was about
+to make some short remark, when a messenger came riding forward in a
+great perspiration, and says he;
+
+"Our pickets have been driven in."
+
+"Ha!" says Villiam, "is the Confederacy again advancing upon the United
+States of America?"
+
+"Our pickets," says the messenger, impressively "have been driven in;
+they have been driven into Richmond."
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, pleasantly, "then send out some more pickets."
+
+I strolled away from the pair, my boy, reflecting upon the possibility
+of enough Mackerel pickets reaching Richmond in this way to make the
+Union sentiment there stronger than ever, and was looking listlessly to
+my footing, when I chanced to espy a paper on the ground. Picking it
+up, I found it to be a note from the wife of the Southern Confederacy
+to her cousin, dropped, probably by one of the Confederacies of the
+wood-pile. It bore the date of April the First, and read as follows:
+
+"DEAR JULEYER:--I have just space of time to write you these few lines,
+hoping that these few lines will find you the same, and in the
+enjoyment of the same blessing. O my unhappy country! how art thou
+suffering at this present writing! I have not had a single new bonnet
+for two weeks, my beloved Juleyer, and my Solferino gloves are already
+discolored by the perspiration I have shed when thinking of my poor,
+dear South. My husband, the distinguished Southern Confederacy, is so
+reduced by trials, that he is a mere skeleton skirt. Oh, my Juleyer,
+how long is this to continue? Ere another century shall have passed
+away, the Yankees will have approached nearer Charleston and Savannah,
+and the blockade become almost effective. Since the Mackerel Brigade
+has changed its base of operations, even Richmond seems doomed to fall
+in less than fifty years. Everything looks dark. Tell me the price of
+dotted muslin, for undersleeves, when you write again, and believe me,
+
+                                           Your respected cousin,
+                                                            "MRS. S. C."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There's only one thing about this letter bothers me, and that's the
+date, my boy--the date.
+
+When very near this city, on my return home, I met a chap, weighing
+about two hundred and twenty-five pounds, who was on his way to a
+lawyer's to get his exemption from the draft duly filed.
+
+"See here, my patriotic invalid," says I, skeptically, "how do you come
+to be exempt?"
+
+"I am exempt," says he, in a proudly melancholy manner, "because I am
+suffering from a broken heart."
+
+"Hem," says I.
+
+"It's true," says he, sniffling dismally. "I asked the female of my
+heart to have me. She said I hadn't enough postage-stamps to suit her
+ideas of personal revenue, and she didn't care to do my washing. That
+was enough: my heart is broken, and I am not an able-bodied man."
+
+Drafting, my boy, is of a nature to develop the seeds of disease in the
+hitherto healthy human system--seeds which, if suffered to fructify,
+will be likely to ultimate in what gentlemen of burglarious
+accomplishments would chastely and botanically denominate a very
+large-sized "plant."
+
+                                             Yours, seriously,
+                                                        ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LXII.
+
+  CONTAINING FRESH TRIBUTES OF ADMIRATION TO THE DEVOTED WOMEN OF
+      AMERICA, AND DEVELOPING THE GREAT COLONIZATION SCHEME OF THE
+      GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE BLACK
+      RACE.
+
+
+                                   WASHINGTON, D. C., August 15th, 1862.
+
+Once more, my boy, this affectionate heart would render tribute of
+gushing admiration to the large souled women of America, who are again
+commencing to luxuriate and comfort our majestic troops with gifts
+almost as useful to a soldier as a fishing-pole would be to the
+hilarious Arab of Sahara. As I ambled airily near Fort Corcoran on
+Monday, my boy, mounted on my gothic steed Pegasus, and followed by the
+frescoed dog Bologna, after the manner of the British nobility, I
+chanced upon a veteran of the Mackerel Brigade, who had come up from
+Paris on one of those leaves of absence which grow from the tree styled
+Sycamore. He was seated under a wayside oak, examining some articles
+that had recently come to him in a package; now and then addressing his
+eyes in the more earnest language of the Sixth Ward.
+
+Having reined-in my spirited architectural animal, and merely pausing
+to administer a crumb of cracker from my pocket to a hapless
+blue-bottle fly which had rashly alighted from the backbone of the
+charger, and was there starving to death, I saluted the Mackerel
+veteran, and, says I:
+
+"Comrade, wherefore do you select this solitary place to use language
+only fitting a brigadier when he is speaking to an inferior officer, or
+a high-toned conservative when referring to negroes, Wendell Phillips,
+and the republican party?"
+
+The veteran Mackerel sighed deeply, as he spread open the package to
+full view, my boy, and says he, respectfully:
+
+"Are you a married man, my cove?"
+
+"No," says I, with a feeling of mingled insignificance and financial
+complacency, "I never paid a milliner's bill in my life."
+
+"Neither did I," said the veteran, with a gleam of satisfaction,
+"neither did I; I always has them charged to me; but still I am the
+wedded pardner of one which is a woman. I have loved her," says the
+veteran passionately, "I have loved her better than I loved number
+Three's masheen, with which I was brought up, and that seemed to me
+like my own brother. I have stayed home from a fire more than once to
+go to church with her; and the last words I said to her when I come
+here was: 'Old woman! if Six's foreman comes here after that wrench,
+while I'm away, tell him I'll break that nose of his when I come back!'
+We was all confidence together," says the veteran, smiting his chest,
+madly; "and I never threw a brick that I didn't tell her of it, and now
+she's gone and sent me a copy of the Temperance Pledge, a pair of
+skates, two bottles of toothache drops, and six sheets of patent
+fly-paper. I really believe," says the veteran, bitterly--"I really
+believe that she thinks I ain't got nothing to do here but to keep
+house and take care of an aged grandmother."
+
+At the conclusion of this unnatural speech, my boy, I hastily trotted
+away upon my architectural steed; for I had not patience enough to talk
+longer with one whose whole nature seemed so utterly incapable of
+appreciating those beautiful little attentions which woman's tender
+heart induces her to bestow upon the beloved object. Since the last
+time I was sick, my boy, I have entertained a positive veneration for
+the wonderful foresight of that blessed sex, whose eyes remind me of
+pearl buttons. At that period, when the doctors had given me up, and
+nothing but their absence seemed capable of saving my life, one of the
+prevalent women of America heard of my critical condition, and, by her
+deep knowledge of human nature, was enabled to rescue me. She sent me a
+bottle of stuff, my boy, saying, in a note of venerable tone, that it
+had cured her of chapped hands several times, and she hoped it might
+break my fever. With a thankful, confident heart, I threw the bottle
+out of the window, my boy, and got well in less than three months.
+
+The other day, I went down to Accomac again, to see the General of the
+Mackerel Brigade, who had invited me to be present while he made an
+offer of bliss to a delegation from that oppressed race which has been
+the sole cause of this unnatural war, and is, therefore, exempted from
+all concern in it.
+
+The General, my boy, was seated in his temporary room of audience when
+I arrived, examining a map of the Border States through a powerful
+magnifying-glass, and occasionally looking into a tumbler, as though he
+expected to find something there.
+
+"Well, old Honesty," says I, affably, "what is our next scheme for the
+benefit of the human race?"
+
+He smiled paternally upon me, and says he:
+
+"It is my purpose to settle the Negro Question in accordance with the
+principles laid down in the Book of Exodus. Thunder!" says the General,
+with magisterial emphasis, "if we do not secure the pursuit of
+happiness to the slave, even, we violate the Constitution and become
+obnoxious to the Border communities."
+
+I was reflecting upon this remark, my boy, and wondering what the
+Constitution had to do with the Book of Exodus, when the delegation
+made its appearance, and caused the room to darken perceptibly. Not to
+lose time, the General waved his hand for the visitors to be seated,
+and, says he:
+
+"You and we are different races, and for this reason it must be evident
+to you, as well as to myself, that it is better you should be
+voluntarily compelled to colonize some distant but salubrious shore.
+There is a wide difference between our races; much wider, perhaps, than
+that which exists between any other two races. Your race suffers very
+greatly, and our race suffers in suffering your race to suffer. In a
+word, we both suffer, which establishes a reason why our race should
+not suffer your race to remain here any longer. You who are here are
+all present, I suppose."
+
+A voice--"Yes, sah."
+
+"Perhaps you have not been here all your lives. Your race is suffering
+the greatest wrong that ever was; but when you cease to suffer, your
+sufferings are still far from an equality with our sufferings. Our
+white men are now changing their base of operations daily, and often
+taking Malvern Hills. This is on your account. You are the cause of it.
+How you have caused it I will not attempt to explain, for I do not
+know; but it is better for us both to be separated, and it is vilely
+selfish in you (I do not speak unkindly) to wish to remain here in
+preference to going to Nova Zembla. The fact that we have always
+oppressed you renders you still more blameable, especially when we
+reflect upon the fact that you have never shown resistance. A trip on
+your part to Nova Zembla will benefit both races. I cannot promise you
+much bliss right away. You may starve at first, or die on the passage;
+but in the Revolutionary War General Washington lived exclusively on
+the future. He was benefitting his race; and though I do not see much
+similarity between his case and yours, you had better go to Nova
+Zembla. You may think that you could live in Washington, perhaps more
+so than you could on a foreign shore. This is a mistake. None but white
+army contractors and brigadiers on furlough can live here.
+
+"The festive isle of Nova Zembla has been in existence for some time,
+and is larger than any smaller place I know of. Many of the original
+settlers have died, and their offspring would still be living had they
+lived long enough to become accustomed to the climate. You may object
+to go on account of your affection for our race, but it does not strike
+me that there is any cogent reasons for such affection. So you had
+better go to Nova Zembla. The particular place I have in view for your
+colonization is the great highway between the North Pole and Sir John
+Franklin's supposed grave. It is a popular route of travel, being much
+frequented by the facetious penguin and the flowing seal. It has great
+resources for ice-water, and you will be able to have ice cream every
+day, provided you supply yourselves with the essence of lemon and
+patent freezers. As to other food, I can promise you nothing. There are
+fine harbors on all sides of this place, and though you may see no
+ships there, it will be still some satisfaction to know that you have
+such admirable harbors. Again, there is evidence of very rich
+bear-hunting. When you take your wives and families to a place where
+there is no food, nor any ground to be cultivated, nor any place to
+live in, then the human mind would as naturally turn to bear-hunting as
+to anything else. But if you should die of starvation at the outset,
+even bear-hunting may dwindle into insignificance. Why I attach so much
+importance to bear-hunting is, it will afford you an opportunity to die
+more easily than by famine and exposure. Bear-hunting is the best thing
+I know of under such circumstances.
+
+"You are intelligent, and know that human life depends as much upon
+those who possess it as upon anybody else. And much will depend upon
+yourselves if you go to Nova Zembla. As to the bear-hunting, I think I
+see the means available for engaging you in that very soon without
+injury to ourselves. I wish to spend a little money to get you there,
+and may possibly lose it all; but we cannot expect to succeed in
+anything if we are not successful in it.
+
+"The political affairs of Nova Zembla are not in quite such a condition
+as I could wish, the bears having occasional fights there, over the
+body of the last Esquimaux governor; but these bears are more generous
+than we are. They have no objection to dining upon the colored race.
+
+"Besides, I would endeavor to have you made equals, and have the best
+assurance that you should be equals of the best. The practical thing I
+want to ascertain is, whether I can get a certain number of able-bodied
+men to send to a place offering such encouragement and attractions.
+Could I get a hundred tolerably intelligent men, with their wives and
+children, to partake of all this bliss? Can I have fifty? If I had
+twenty-five able-bodied men, properly seasoned with women and children,
+I could make a commencement.
+
+"These are subjects of very great importance, and worthy of a month's
+study of the paternal offer I have made you. If you have no
+consideration for yourselves, at least consider the bears, and endeavor
+to reconcile yourselves to the beautiful and pleasing little hymn of
+childhood, commencing:
+
+  "I would not live always;
+  I ask not to stay."
+
+At the termination of this flattering and paternal address, my boy, the
+delegation took their hats and commenced to leave in very deep silence;
+thereby proving that persons of African descent are utterly insensible
+of kindness and much inferior to the race at present practising
+strategy on this continent.
+
+Colonization, my boy, involves a scheme of human happiness so entirely
+beyond the human power of conception, that the conception of it will
+almost pass for something inhuman.
+
+                                         Yours, utopianically,
+                                                       ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LXIII.
+
+  GIVING A FAMILIAR ZOOLOGICAL ILLUSTRATION OF THE "SITUATION," AND
+      CELEBRATING THE BRILLIANT STRATEGICAL EVECUATION OF PARIS BY
+      THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
+
+
+                                     WASHINGTON, D. C., August 22, 1862.
+
+On Monday morn, my boy, whilst I was pulling on a pair of new boots that
+have some music in their soles, there arose near my room door a sound as
+of one in dire agony, closely followed by a variously-undulated moan, as
+of some deserted woman in distress. Hastily discontinuing my toilet, and
+darting to the threshold, I beheld one of those scenes of civil war
+which impress the sensitive soul with horror and meet the just
+reprobation of feeling Albion.
+
+Rampant between two marrow-bones, my boy, was my frescoed dog, Bologna,
+eyeing, with horrid fury, Sergeant O'Pake's canine friend, known as
+Jacob Barker, and ever and anon uttering sentences of supernatural
+wrath. To these the excited Barker responded in deep bass of great
+compass, his nose curling with undisguised disdain, and his eyes
+assimilating to that insidious and fiery squint which betokens
+inexpressible malignity. There was something not of earth, my boy, in
+the frescoed Bologna's distortion of countenance as he attempted to
+keep an eye on each bone, and at the same time look full in the face of
+his foe; and there was that in the sounds of his strain which betokened
+Sirius indecision.
+
+As I gazed upon these two infuriated wonders of natural history, my
+boy, and recognized the fact that the existence of two bones in
+contention prevented an actual battle, because neither combatant was
+willing to lose sight of either of them; whilst the presence of but one
+bone would have simplified the matter, and precipitated a decisive
+conflict, I could not but think that I saw symbolized before me the
+situation of our distracted country.
+
+The United States of America, my boy, and the well-known Southern
+Confederacy, are like two irascible terriers practising defiant
+strategy between two bones, the one being the festive negro-question,
+and the other the Union. Now it seems to me, my boy--it seems to me,
+that if the gay animal with U. S. on his collar would only dispose of
+the bone nearest him without further vocalism, there would be a better
+chance for him to secure the other bone in the combat sure to come.
+
+Dogs, my boy, and men, are very much alike, in their hostile meetings,
+neither seeming to know just exactly which is truly their _magnum
+bonum_.
+
+Ascending the roof of my architectural steed, Pegasus, on Tuesday, I
+induced the gothic animal to adopt a pace sometimes affected by the
+fleet tortoise, and went down to Accomac in pursuit of knowledge
+respecting recruiting. Just before reaching that Arcadian locality, my
+boy, I met Colonel Wobert Wobinson, of the Western Cavalry, who had
+been down there to induce volunteering and infuse fresh confidence into
+the masses. He offered a bounty of two hundred dollars; three dollars
+to be paid immediately, and the rest as soon as the war commences in
+earnest; and promised to each man a horse physically incapacitated from
+running away from anything.
+
+"Well, my bold dragoon," says I, cordially, noticing that Pegasus had
+already fallen into a peaceful doze, "how go enlistments?"
+
+The colonel waved away an abstracted crow that was hovering in deep
+reverie over my charger's brow, and says he: "I have enlisted all the
+people of Accomac."
+
+"I want to know," says I, Bostonianly.
+
+"Yes," says he, "I called a meeting, and succeeded in enlisting
+all--their sympathies."
+
+As I gazed upon the equestrian warrior, my boy, methought I saw the
+youngest offspring of a wink trembling in a corner of his right eye,
+and I felt that the world renowned Snyder was at that moment laboring
+under a heavy incubus. Such is life.
+
+The state of health in Accomac indicates that the demon of disease is
+abroad in the land, looking chiefly for his victims among those between
+the tender ages of eighteen and forty-five. Instead of having a sling
+in his hand, like the young warrior David, each young man I met had his
+hand in a sling, whilst the dexter leg of more than one able-bodied
+patriot suggested the juvenile prayer of "Now I lame me, down to slip."
+And there were the women of America fairly crying in terror of the
+draft, instead of bearing themselves like the Spartan ribs of old.
+
+Alas! my boy, why cannot our people realize, that a nation, like a
+cooking-stove, cannot keep up a steady fire without a good draft. We
+need men for the crisis, and we only find cry sisses for the men.
+
+I could not stay here, so I hastened on to Paris, where a great
+strategic movement was about to supply all the world with fresh
+recollections of the late Napoleon. I say _late_ Napoleon, my boy,
+because our Napoleon is apt to be behind time.
+
+As far back as I can remember, I have been fully aware that this
+movement was about to take place, but would not, like too many other
+correspondents, betray the confidence reposed in me. This bosom, my
+boy, this manly and truthful bosom, is about the right shop for
+confidence. Nor is it like the bosoms of those who can truthfully say
+that they never _give_ important information to the enemy, though every
+body knows that they sell it.
+
+On arriving in Paris, I saw at once that preparations for outgeneraling
+the deceived Confederacy had already commenced; for the down-trodden
+General of the Mackerel Brigade had assembled the reliable contrabands
+whom he had used for some weeks past, and was taking leave of them in a
+heart-felt manner.
+
+Mounted on a small keg, from the bung hole of which came the aroma of
+pleasant rye fields, the General softly wiped his lips, and says he:
+
+"Being members of a race which we regard as a speshees of monkeys, my
+black children, the fact that this is a white man's war will prevent
+your taking part in the entirely different race about to come off.
+After the manner of Andrew Jackson at New Orleans, I have called upon
+you to do something for your adopted country; but as my friend Andrew
+was particular to make his proclamation read '_free_ negroes,' there
+can be no parallel between the two cases further. Therefore, return to
+your masters, my children, and tell them that the United States of
+America wars not against them rights of which you are a part. Go! And
+remember, that as Gradual Emancipation is about to come off, you will
+soon know the juicy richness of being free to visit all parts of the
+world, except those not included in the pleasing map of Nova Zembla."
+
+The contrabands departed, my boy, in blissful procession, and many of
+them are undoubtedly happy enough now. Happier, my boy, than they could
+hope to be if suffered to remain in this conservative and
+constitutional world.
+
+While the Mackerels were coming out of their holes, and polishing their
+shovels for the march, I observed that the general walked thoughtfully
+to his tent, in deep silence. I found Captain Villiam Brown expelling
+two reporters from the lines, lest they should prematurely divulge the
+movement then going on to the Confederacy seated on an adjacent fence,
+and says I to him:
+
+"Tell me, my fiery warrior, wherefore is it that the chieftain seeks
+his solitary tent?"
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, reverently, "it is to pray for the cause of liberty
+and the rights of man, after the manner of George Washington, Mount
+Vernon, Virginia. Come with me, my cherub," says Villiam piously, "and
+you shall see martial greatness in a touching aspeck."
+
+We went softly to the tent together, my boy, and there beheld the
+beloved general of the Mackerel Brigade, with his face devoutly
+upturned. His face was devoutly upturned, my boy; but we could see
+something intervening between his countenance and the sky, and
+discovered, upon closer inspection, that it was a tumbler. Can it be,
+my boy, that this good man thought that Heaven, like any distant
+earthly object, could be brought nearer by looking toward it through a
+glass? Here is food for thought, my boy--here is food for thought.
+
+And now, Commodore Head having fished his iron-clad fleet from the
+tempestuous bosom of Duck Lake, and everything being in readiness--the
+march of the Mackerel Brigade commenced, with a silence so intense that
+we could distinctly hear all that anybody said.
+
+First, came a delegation of political chaps from the Sixth Ward,
+conversing with each other on the state of the country, and considering
+eight hundred and forty excellent plans for saving the Union, and
+getting up a straight-out ticket.
+
+Then appeared the well-known promenade band of the Mackerel Brigade,
+executing divers pleasant _morceaux_ on his night-key bugle, an
+occasional stumble over a stone giving the airs a happy variety of
+sudden _obligati_ improvements.
+
+Next appeared the idolized General of the Mackerel Brigade, modestly
+refusing to receive all the credit for the skillful movement, and
+assuring his staff that he really would not prefer to be President of
+the United States in 1865.
+
+Followed by Commodore Head, with his squadron on his shoulders,
+swearing as usual in his iron-plated manner, and vowing to capture
+Vicksburg before he was twenty years older.
+
+Then advanced Captain Villiam Brown, Eskevire, Captain Bob Shorty, and
+Captain Samyule Sa-mith, each indignantly rejecting the idea that this
+movement was a retreat, and expressing the hope that Wendell Phillips
+would be immediately hung for it.
+
+Then came a train of wagons containing all the provisions that could
+not be thrown away.
+
+Succeeded by the Mackerel Brigade with shovels at a shoulder-arms, and
+noses suggestive of strawberry patches in the balmy month of June.
+
+And was this _all_ the procession? you will ask; did nothing come after
+the Brigade itself?
+
+I am not a positive man, my boy, and care not to assert a thing unless
+I positively know it to be true. It was growing dark when we reached
+our destination, and I could not see distinctly toward the rear: yet I
+think I _did_ see something coming after the Mackerel Brigade.
+
+What was it?
+
+It was the Southern Confederacy, my boy--the Southern Confederacy.
+
+                                            Your, excitedly,
+                                                       ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LXIV.
+
+  SHOWING HOW THE COSMOPOLITANS MET AGAIN, TO BE INTRODUCED TO THE
+      "NEUTRAL BRITISH GENTLEMAN," AND HEAR MR. BONBON'S FRENCH
+      STORY.
+
+
+                                   WASHINGTON, D. C., August 25th, 1862
+
+Ever since the British chap read all that unpublished British poetry at
+the Club, my boy, I have been anxious to favor him with an "Idyl,"
+written by a friend of mine who has traveled much in Albion, and writes
+_ex-cathedra_. Last night there was a fair chance, and I then introduced
+
+            THE NEUTRAL BRITISH GENTLEMAN.
+
+  Incrusted in his island home that lies beyond the sea,
+  Behold the great original and genuine 'TIS HE;
+  A paunchy, fuming Son of Beef, with double weight of chin,
+  And eyes that were benevolent--but for their singular tendency
+      to turn green whenever it is remarked that his
+      irrepressible American cousins have made another
+      Treaty with China ahead of him--and taken Albion in.
+  This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time.
+
+  With William, Duke of Normandy, his ancestors, he boasts,
+  Came over from the shores of France to whip the Saxon hosts;
+  And this he makes a source of pride; but wherefore there should be
+  Such credit to an Englishman--in the fact that he is descended
+      from a nation which England is forever pretending
+      to regard as slightly her inferior in everything,
+      and particularly behind her in military and naval
+      affairs--we really cannot see.
+  This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time.
+
+  He deals in Christianity, Episcopalian brand,
+  And sends his missionaries forth to bully heathen land;
+  Just mention "Slavery" to him, and with a pious sigh
+  He'll say it's 'orrid, scandalous--although he's ready to fight
+      for the Cotton raised by slaves, and forgets how he
+      butchered the Chinese to make them take Opium,
+      and blew the Sepoys from the guns because the
+      poor devils refused to be enslaved by the East India
+      Company--or his phi-lan-thro-py.
+  This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time.
+
+  He yields to Brother Jonathan a love that passeth show--
+  "We're Hanglo-Saxons, both of us, and carn't be foes, you know."
+  But as a Christian Englishman, he cannot, cannot hide
+  His horror of the spectacle--of four millions of black beings
+      being held in bondage by a nation professing the
+      largest liberty in the world, though in case of an
+      anti-slavery crusade the interests of his Manchester
+      factors would imperatively forbid him to--take
+      part on either side.
+  This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time.
+
+  Now seeing the said Jonathan by base rebellion stirred,
+  And battling with pro-slavery, it might be thence inferred
+  That British sympathy, at last, would spur him on to strife;
+  But, strange to say, this sympathy--is labelled "NEUTRALITY,"
+      and consigned to any rebel port not too closely blockaded
+      to permit English vessels, loaded with munitions, to
+      slip in. And when you ask Mr. Bull what he means
+      by this inconsistent conduct, he becomes virtuously
+      indignant, rolls up his eyes, and says: "I carn't
+      endure to see brothers murdering each other and
+      keeping me out of my cotton--I carn't, upon my life!"
+  This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time.
+
+  Supposing Mr. Bull should die, the question might arise:
+  Will he be wanted down below, or wafted to the skies?
+  Allowing that he had his choice, it really seems to me
+  The moral British Gentleman--would choose a front seat with
+      his Infernal Majesty; since Milton, in his blank
+      verse correspondence with old _Times_, more than
+      once hinted the possibility of Nick's rebellion
+      against Heaven succeeding; and as the Lower Secessia
+      has cottoned to England through numerous
+      Hanoverian reigns, such a choice on the part of the
+      philanthropical Britisher would be simply another
+      specimen--of his NEUTRAL-I-TY!
+  This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time.
+
+When Smith-Brown had heard that, my boy, he sniffed grievously, and
+says he: "England never _was_ happreciated in this blarsted country."
+
+I believe him, my boy.
+
+It being Bonbon's turn to read a story, he unrolled his papers and gave
+us
+
+
+                            THE CONFESSION.
+
+"During my short stay in France, I belonged to a convent of Carthusian
+monks, and there became acquainted with the man whose confession
+constitutes my story. He had applied for admission to our order, as one
+who had tired of life's gaieties, and bestowed his wealth, which was
+enormous, upon the holy church. Brother Dominique was the name he
+assumed; and his austere devotion speedily gained him notoriety for
+great piety; but there was something so unnatural in his actions, and,
+at times, so incoherent in his speech, that we, who were his daily
+companions, involuntarily shuddered when he spoke to us. Among the
+various incongruities of his character, was a gloomy reserve--or,
+rather, pride, which repulsed all advances of friendship, and impressed
+upon the mind a conviction that Brother Dominique's religion was more
+like that of a hypocrite foiled in his schemes, than of a pure-minded
+man, whose sense of duty to his Creator had induced him to assume the
+serge and rosary. This conviction was more than confirmed by his
+occasional exclamations of anger and defiance, as though once more a
+prey to the passions of an outer world; and, at the expiration of a
+year from the time of his entrance, the new brother was an object of
+suspicion, if not dislike, to the whole convent, excepting myself.
+
+"My sentiments in regard to him were those of pity; for I felt
+confident that some great sorrow was preying upon his mind; and the
+wild agony which would often contort his whole countenance, while at
+evening prayers, made me anxious to know something of his history.
+
+"One evening, having received an order to visit the cell of Dominique
+from our superior, I was surprised to find a curiously-fashioned lamp,
+burning in a niche, directly opposite an iron cot, on which the monk
+was sleeping. Knowing that the convent rules expressly forbade a light
+at that hour, I was about to extinguish it, when there fell upon my
+startled ear a loud yell, like that of a springing tiger, and, in an
+instant, I was seized by the throat. Filled with dismay, I struggled to
+extricate myself, when the beams of the lamp fell upon the writhing
+features of Dominique, pallid as those of a corpse, and spattered with
+froth from his lips.
+
+"'Devil, I defy thee!' he exclaimed, dashing me violently against the
+wall; and then quitting his hold.
+
+"'Brother Dominique, are you mad?' I asked, as soon as I could recover
+my breath.
+
+"'It is a lie! I am not mad!' he ejaculated, glaring fiercely upon me,
+and biting his lip until the blood streamed from his beard.
+
+"Hardly knowing what I did, I again approached the lamp; when he again
+sprang to my side, and pushed me violently from before it.
+
+"'Must I kill you, too?' he said, in a whisper that pierced me.
+
+"'You are excited,' I replied, with all the calmness I could muster. 'I
+thought you were asleep, or I should first have spoken to you about
+your lamp, the burning of which, at this late hour, is a violation of
+the rules.'
+
+"He covered his face with his hands while I was speaking; and when he
+again looked up, all traces of former agitation had vanished.
+
+"'Forgive me, father,' he said, with composure. 'Our superior has
+granted me the privilege of having a light always burning, as I am
+subject to fits, such as you have just witnessed, and cannot do without
+it. God have mercy upon me! I might have murdered you,' he added,
+turning suddenly pale again, and leaning against the damp wall.
+
+"I delivered my message, being anxious to leave a being whose passions
+were so violent when aroused; but he called me back as I turned away,
+and resting upon his hard bed, motioned for me to take a seat beside
+him.
+
+"I hesitated about complying at first; but there was an expression of
+mingled sorrow and entreaty resting upon his whole countenance, that
+awoke my sympathy and conquered fear. Closing the door of the cell, I
+obeyed him in silence, and sat down with a feeling of awe not to be
+defined.
+
+"'Father,' he said, laying one hand on each of my shoulders, and
+staring fixedly in my face, 'Will you hear me confess?'
+
+"The extreme abruptness of the question made me start from him with a
+gesture of surprise, but I answered not.
+
+"'Will you hear a tale of crime from a criminal?' he continued,
+pressing heavily upon me, 'a tale of murder from a murderer!'
+
+"I felt convinced that I had a maniac to deal with, and remembering to
+have heard that any sign of timidity but added fuel to the fires of
+insanity, I steadily returned his stare, and responded as quietly as I
+could.
+
+"'Brother Dominique, if your soul is burthened with crimes, why not
+confess to the superior who is our father confessor?'
+
+"'No, no!' he exclaimed, frantically. 'To you, or no one.'
+
+"Fearful that, by refusing, I should again arouse him to violence, I
+drew my cowl closely over my head to guard against the damp air, and
+bade him tell me his sorrows.
+
+"He, at once, fell upon his knees before me--nor could I persuade him
+to assume any other attitude.
+
+"'Here on my knees,' he began, 'will I tell a tale that shall freeze
+your blood, and make you turn from me in scorn, or hatred. You will not
+betray me?'
+
+"I assured him I would not.
+
+"'I am the last of a noble Florentine house, which bears the names of
+sovereigns upon its registers. My father was a cold, stern man, proud
+of his high descent, and arrogant with those beneath him. My mother was
+the daughter of a Venetian noble, bright and beautiful as a diamond,
+and insensible to all the softer warmths of women as is that precious
+gem. I was their only child, and all the love their hearts were capable
+of feeling was bestowed upon me; all my desires were gratified ere
+expressed; obsequious menials stood about my path eager to obey my
+slightest nod; velvet received my infant footsteps, and the atmosphere
+around me was one of mellow music.
+
+"'I grew up to manhood a pampered child of fortune, happy only in the
+midnight orgie or early morning revel, and the most polished profligate
+of my native city; yet my father regarded me with feelings of pride,
+and my mother looked upon her son as one well worthy to inherit the
+flaunting fortunes of his house. Although my father was ever kind to me
+he was subject to occasional fits of violence, when he would beat the
+servants, and render it necessary for his friends to confine him. It
+was said that he had seized a gipsey woman who had been caught in the
+act of stealing, causing her to be burned alive, and that while the
+flames were torturing the poor wretch, she had denounced her
+executioner with the bitterest execrations, and declared that he and
+his offspring should feel the curse of madness. The prophecy so worked
+upon my father's mind as to occasion periodical attacks of insanity, at
+which seasons he would rave fearfully, and, as I said before, render
+temporary confinement necessary. I cannot say that the knowledge of
+this fact had any effect upon me then, for I was gay and thoughtless;
+but, alas! it has since proved my bane, and poisoned every cup that has
+touched my lips.
+
+"'Onward I flew, in a whirl of wildest dissipation, until my
+twenty-first birth day, when my father ordered me to meet him in the
+library at a certain hour. Not daring to disobey him, although I
+anticipated some cutting rebuke for my late headlong course, I waited
+upon him at the appointed time, and was relieved when he asked me in a
+kind tone to take a seat near him.
+
+"'"Dominique," he said, "you have now reached an age when you must give
+up childish follies, and be a man. You are my only son, and my titles
+and fortune must one day be yours. It is my hope that you may support
+them with honor; but, in order to do this you must take a decided step
+at once--you must marry."
+
+"'Although arrived at that period of life when woman usually becomes
+the principal object of man's hope and ambition, I was totally
+indifferent to them, and ridiculed those of my friends who had married,
+or, as I termed it, become slaves for life. But I knew my father's
+temper too well to thwart him, and appeared to acquiesce in his designs
+for my future benefit. He informed me that the lady whom he had
+selected to be my bride, was of a noble family, and would be at our
+villa in a few days, when he wished me to render myself as agreeable as
+possible, and at once commence my wooing.
+
+"'I left him with a feeling of despair at being so soon obliged to give
+up my gay companions and become suppliant to one whom I had never
+before seen, and belonging to a sex that I held in contempt.
+
+"'In my trouble I appealed to a young nobleman, an associate of mine,
+for advice, and he recommended that I should go abroad without my
+father's knowledge--afterwards giving him my reasons for so doing in a
+letter, and humbly asking his forgiveness. This advice just suited my
+disposition, and I resolved to follow it. Accordingly I collected
+sufficient funds for my journey, and on the morning of the day when my
+intended bride was to arrive at our villa, I started with my valet for
+France.
+
+"'Upon reaching Paris I wrote to my father, declaring my determination
+to remain unmarried until tired of being my own master, and concluding
+by asking his pardon for the step which I had taken. My father did not
+answer this letter, and hence I supposed that he was seriously
+offended; but this conviction did not prey upon my mind for any length
+of time--indeed, I soon became more notorious in the French capital
+than I had been at home for unbounded extravagance and heedless
+dissipation. The well-known prominence and wealth of my family gained
+access for me to the circles of the most exclusive aristocracy. The
+glory and power of the unfortunate Louis and his peerless queen, Marie
+Antoinette, were already on the wane; yet their magnificence far
+eclipsed that of any other European court, and many traitors stood in
+the glittering throng that swarmed about them, whose meekly down-cast
+eyes were destined to blaze with the fires of rebellion, and whose
+swords were yet to flash terror into the heart of that sovereign who
+regarded them then as the staunchest bulwarks of his throne. With all
+due ceremony, I was presented to the ill-fated representatives of
+royalty, and quickly found myself the cynosure of all eyes, leered at
+by languishing dames, sneered at by those of my own sex whom nature had
+slighted, and honored with the attention of more than one aristocrat
+who afterwards fell a victim to the fury of red republicanism. But the
+sword of Damocles was suspended over our heads, and it soon fell with a
+clash that aroused echoes in every corner of the globe. When first the
+ferocious Club proclaimed its prerogative, I joined with others in
+treating it as a subject beneath our notice; but, as the flames of
+insurrection spread, and street barricades were successfully defended
+against the assaults of the National Guard, I began to feel the danger
+of being an aristocrat, and take measures for flight when events should
+have reached their crisis. It was too late. At the dead of night, I was
+aroused from my sleep by a violent uproar in the street below,
+accompanied by a thundering at the court yard gates of my hotel. I
+sprang from my couch to the window, and, with a vague apprehension of
+what was to come, pulled aside the curtain and looked forth. Holy
+Virgin! what a sight was there!--Thousands of howling demons, fast
+losing all semblance of humanity, surging and roaring like an infernal
+sea, with ghastly death-lights leaping above its waves and drowning
+grim shadows beneath. 'Blood! blood!' was their watchword, and I heard
+my name bandied from lip to lip, with bitter execrations. My pride was
+aroused, and conquered every other emotion. Hastily drawing a heavy
+military cloak over my head and form, I opened the casement, and walked
+out upon the balcony. So completely did my garment shroud me, that the
+bloodhounds knew me not, and for a moment their hellish cries sank into
+dead silence.
+
+"'"Open the gates, or we will burn you alive," shouted a hoarse voice.
+
+"'"_Vive le Roi!_" I shouted in answer.
+
+"'Oh, what rage there was in the yell responsive to my taunt. It seemed
+as though Pandemonium had sent its countless fiends to join in the
+chorus of brutal fury. The gates were fast yielding, and my servants
+were constantly reminding me with pallid faces that I was ruthlessly
+sacrificing their lives for my own. In a moment, my resolution was
+made. I hastily assumed my usual dress, and wrapping the cloak about
+me, went down into the court and placed myself in a dark corner.
+
+"'"Open the gates," I cried, disguising my voice, and throwing it as
+far forward as possible.
+
+"'With quaking limbs, my servant obeyed the order, and in another
+moment, I felt the hot tide of devils bolting past me, into the elegant
+saloons of my hotel. So intent were the mob upon despoiling and
+plundering, that I was enabled to gain the street unmolested; but at
+that point, some enemy called my name, and with a shout of triumph,
+hundreds of infuriate demons started toward me. Knowing that resistance
+would be worse than madness, I drew my sword, and clenching it firmly
+in my right hand, with the point in front of me, I ran swiftly before
+them. Again arose the shouts, and onward came my enemies, panting for
+blood. Desperation gave me strength, and like a hunted deer, I far
+out-sped my pursuers; but human nature cannot be taxed beyond a certain
+point, and as I turned into the Rue St. Martin, my strength began to
+fail me, and my breath came hot and quick. Giving up all hope of escape
+and resolving to sell my life dearly, I was about to stand at bay, when
+an open door in a house close by caught my glance, and with the
+rapidity of thought, I darted through and closed it behind me. My
+hunters had not yet turned the corner, but I could hear their cries and
+with regained strength, I ascended a flight of stairs and entered an
+apartment, when a scream of surprise arrested my progress. A young girl
+stood before me with uplifted hands and astonishment painted upon every
+feature.
+
+"'"Holy Mother! What would you have, monsieur?"
+
+"'"I am pursued by the _canaille_, mademoiselle, and entered here to
+recruit my strength. I will die like a man."
+
+"'"You are a royalist?"
+
+"'"Yes."
+
+"'I turned to the door, when she eyed me closely for some moments, and
+then opening a closet in the wall, pointed to its interior, without
+speaking. I saw at once that she wished to save me, and after raising
+her hands to my lips in mute expression of my gratitude, I entered the
+closet, and heard her turn the key in the lock. Almost at the same
+moment, loud shouts arose from the street and heavy footsteps were
+heard ascending the stairs.
+
+"'"Whose house is this?" demanded a gruff voice, as its owner
+apparently entered the room, in company with others.
+
+"'"Citizen Foliere's," answered my protectress, in sweet, calm tones.
+
+"'"Which side?"
+
+"'"_Vive la Republique._"
+
+"'"_Tres bien._ He can't be here, comrades; he has given us the slip.
+Where is your father, mademoiselle?"
+
+"'"He went to join in the attack on a hotel in the Rue St. Honore."
+
+"'"Then he will be back soon, for the building is in flames, though its
+master has escaped us. Adieu, mademoiselle."
+
+"'My nerves and muscles had been drawn to the last degree of tension,
+excitement had buoyed me up for a time; but now that my pursuers were
+departing and danger no longer surrounded me, a reaction took place,
+and I fell insensible upon the floor of my closet, while my fair jailer
+was in the act of liberating me.
+
+"'Soon a scorching heat fell upon my brain, and in fancy I returned to
+my father's house. Dire shapes of blood haunted me, until I raved like
+a maniac and cursed the author of my being as the author of my
+destruction.
+
+"'I woke as from a dream, and found myself lying upon a soft couch,
+attended by a physician, and a tall, middle-aged man, wearing the red
+republican badge--I owed my life to one of a class which I had ever
+despised. Monsieur Foliere had returned home soon after my pursuers had
+quitted it; and found his daughter attempting to revive me; great as
+was the risk he incurred by protecting a royalist, he did not hesitate
+to send at once for a surgeon, and order every comfort necessary to
+preserve my life.
+
+"'I endeavored to express my gratitude; but the stern citizen frowned,
+and from that time forth, I said no more on the subject. Health slowly
+returned to its temple, and as it sent the warm blood tingling freshly
+through my veins, love mingled with the current that flowed to the
+heart. Cerise, my saviour, my guardian angel, hovered about my pillow
+like a spirit of light, awaking in my breast a passion which had never
+dwelt there before. She was not what the world termed a beauty; but
+there was a quiet grace about her actions, and a smiling, lovely
+dignity ever shining from her large brown eyes, that so drew her to me,
+as to make me silent and melancholy when she was not present.
+
+"'Not to linger over a period, the purest and brightest of my
+existence, suffice it to say, that Cerise returned my passion, and I
+was blest with her love. I told her my name, and painted the splendors
+of Florence, while she listened with a gentle smile of approbation, and
+consented to become my wife, should her father raise no objection.
+
+"'Anticipating no difficulty in that quarter, my happiness was
+unalloyed, and I considered her as all my own. At length, when my
+health was fully re-established, I asked a private interview with
+Citizen Foliere, and demanded the hand of his daughter in marriage. I
+described in glowing terms my love for Cerise and her reciprocation--I
+spoke of my high rank in Florence, the many honors of my family, and
+its great antiquity; the advantages which would accrue to him from
+having such a son-in-law--in fact, presented my views in every light of
+interest and paternal affection that I could devise. The stern
+republican heard me through in silence, and then answered coldly--
+
+"'"Young man, you were received into my house, a fugitive from
+retributive justice, and sheltered by me at the risk of my own good
+name and life. I pitied your youth, and yielded my protection, when
+duty bade me surrender you to my friends. Would you repay me by robbing
+me of my richest treasure, or forever blighting her existence by
+arousing in her bosom a hopeless passion? My daughter cannot be yours,
+though you boasted the blood of a sovereign; she shall never sit in the
+palaces of our oppressors. My decision is irrevocable, and this subject
+must be forever at rest."
+
+"'Frantic with indignation and disappointment, I flew to Cerise, and
+with the violence of a maniac, acquainted her with my ill-success; I
+swore she should be mine, or I would slay myself at her feet. By turns
+she wept and expostulated, until I accused her of faithlessness, when
+she threw herself into my arms, and in an agony of tears, bade me do
+with her as I pleased.
+
+"'That night I was on my way from Paris, with my _wife_ clasped to my
+breast, calling down heaven's bitterest curses upon my head, should I
+ever cease to love her as I then did, and kissing the hot tears from
+her cheeks in a burning, maddening transport of blind devotion.
+
+"'Oh madman! wretch that I was--why did I not fall a withered corpse at
+the feet of that innocent girl, who sacrificed a father's love for me?
+
+"'At Genoa I purchased a villa in a retired spot, and there tasted the
+intoxicating joys of elysium; but fate was darkening in clouds above my
+head, and the bridal garlands were soon to blossom in a harvest of
+blood. I wrote again to my father, acquainting him with the step I had
+taken, and narrating my escape from death in France. An answer soon
+came, and in the presence of my wife I read as follows:
+
+"'"DOMINIQUE--Foolish boy, you have well nigh driven me to madness by
+your conduct, and your mother has gone to the grave a victim to the
+folly of her son. Come hither at once, if you would not kill me also,
+and behold the wreck that remains of
+
+                                                     "'"YOUR FATHER."
+
+"'The vague tone of this communication, and the intelligence of my
+mother's death, overwhelmed me with sorrow. Cerise, dear Cerise, fell
+upon my bosom and reproached herself as being the author of all my
+troubles. In vain did I try to forget my own griefs, and strive to
+console her; she soon became calm, but the smile of contentment no
+longer beamed from her eyes, and her peace was departed forever. She
+insisted upon obedience to my father's request, and when I yielded,
+accompanied me to my native city silent and tearless.
+
+"'Resolving to see my father alone, I left my wife at an obscure house
+in the suburbs of the city, and promising to return when I had softened
+my parent's wrath, I set out with a heavy heart for the home of my
+childhood.
+
+"'The servants at once recognized me, but I could only learn it from
+their glances, for they led the way in silence to the saloon of
+reception.
+
+"'My father was seated in a remote corner, conversing with some person
+when I entered, and on beholding me, at once came forward and embraced
+me with every token of affection. Astounded at receiving such a salute,
+when I expected nothing but reproach, I stood motionless, staring at
+him in silence, until the other person present approached. Never shall
+I forget the appearance of Lucia on that day. Her raven locks, falling
+below her waist and mingling imperceptibly with the folds of her sable
+robe, contrasted strikingly with the snow-white purity of her
+complexion, over which her piercing eyes, shed a lustre truly
+spiritual. As my father introduced us, our glances met, and I felt a
+thrill to my inmost soul.
+
+"'It maddens me to dwell upon those scenes, and I will hasten to the
+conclusion of my story. I forgot Cerise, my honor--everything, in the
+society of her who had once been selected to wed with me. Day followed
+day until a month had elapsed, and I still remained fascinated to the
+spot, false to my vows, false to my wife, and true to nothing but blind
+infatuation. My father beheld me sinking deeper and deeper in the black
+waves of infamy, and a light of demoniac exultation burned in his eyes.
+I marked his triumph, and I, too, felt a savage joy, though for what
+reason, I knew not.
+
+"'At length he taunted me as the husband of a lazarone. He pointed with
+hellish glee to where Lucia stood, the incarnation of perfection, and
+bade me behold what I had lost. My brain was on fire, a thousand furies
+tugged at my heartstrings, and as my father clasped my hands in his and
+looked down into my soul, I felt that savage joy again, and a demon
+possessed me. My father approached his face to mine, until his hot
+breath burned upon my cheek, and whispered in my ear; it was enough.
+With a loud laugh I left him and flew, rather than ran, to where my
+deserted wife was watching for me, sad and alone.
+
+"'Why did she not tax me with my perfidy? Why did not her angel soul
+arise in its innocent love, to crush me with the glancing of an eye?
+Oh, that she had uttered one reproach, one bitter word! She saw me, and
+with a cry of joy, cast her white arms about my neck, as on our
+marriage; they were like chains of searing, glowing iron to me, and I
+dashed her from me, howling in the delirium of my torments. She marked
+the wild fire that flashed from my eye, the dark flush that burned upon
+my cheek, my breast heaving with the struggles of the fiend within, my
+hair hanging in disordered masses over my throbbing brow, the cowardly
+trembling of the hand concealed in my bosom; she beheld a fiend
+incarnate in the form of one who had sworn to love and cherish her
+forever; yet no word of reproach arose from those lips I had so often
+kissed. Again her arms were about me, and again I attempted to dash her
+to the ground.
+
+"'"My husband, my dear Dominique!" she shrieked, clinging to me, and
+pressing her cheeks, pallid and cold, against mine, glowing and burning
+with the reflected fires of hell. The spell of madness fell upon me, as
+I struggled with that faithful wife, and hissing froth boiled from
+between my teeth, mingling with her long locks of auburn hair. I
+suffered all the torments of the damned as we swayed to and fro, until
+her strength began to fail and her arms relaxed their hold. Then, with
+a horrid laugh, I wound her long curls about my hand, and plunged a
+stiletto to its hilt in her breast.
+
+"'The warm blood of life poured in a torrent upon me, and as my victim
+lay gasping upon the ground, I danced frantically about her, laughing
+with glee.
+
+"'I did not wait to see her die--I _dared not_ do it--but all gory as I
+was, I returned to my father. He met me with a smile, and his calmness
+communicated itself to me.
+
+"'I was happy then--oh! yes, very happy!
+
+"'With blood upon my hand, and madness in my brain, I wooed Lucia with
+all the cunning of insanity, and another gentle heart soon beat for me
+alone.
+
+"'We were married! I remember the bright glare of the lights, the holy
+dignity of the priests, the gay laughter of the brilliant company, as
+my health and _happiness_ were pledged in goblets of rare wines, the
+face of my _second_ wife shining like that of an angel, with fond,
+confiding love for _me_; and then my father! We looked at each other,
+and smiled exultantly--we murderers, madmen, receiving the homage of
+reasonable beings. I was filled with mad joy, and sent forth peals upon
+peals of laughter while the ceremony was being performed. My father
+joined in my unnatural merriment, and surprise and fear was painted on
+every countenance. I saw the lips of Lucia tremble, and squeezed her
+hand so that she groaned with pain. Oh! what would I not have given to
+have been in the open air, yelling my triumph to the beast in his lair
+and the bird on the wing; making nature's arena to echo my bursts of
+mirth, and rising far above the earth on a sea of discord. My father
+continued near me through the ceremony, and left the saloon at its
+conclusion; but I _knew_ that his feelings were like mine and envied
+his liberty.
+
+"'Then I grew calm again, and friends congratulated me, and music
+filled the air, and the dance went on, and I kissed my bride until she
+involuntarily shrank from me in confusion. I was very happy then.
+
+"'At length the midnight hour arrived and the maidens of Lucia
+conducted her, veiled in blushes, to the nuptial couch. How beautiful
+did she look, arrayed in spotless white, such as bright angels wear. An
+hour elapsed ere I flew to her chamber and threw myself upon the floor
+in a paroxysm of mirth. There was a large lamp of glass that burned
+before a mirror in our bridal chamber, and as its perfumed oil was
+consumed a delicious odor ladened the air; as I rolled upon the carpet
+and tore it with my teeth, the light shone in my eyes, and in an
+instant I ceased all motion and stared fixedly at it, while cold drops
+of water came out upon my temple.
+
+"'Timidly my bride approached and spoke to me; but I answered her not;
+for there was another form before my eyes; another bride speaking to my
+soul. There was an explosion; the lamp fell into a thousand pieces, and
+where it had been there stood _my murdered wife_, with the blood
+pouring from her bosom, and the stiletto in her hand. I saw her as
+plainly as I now see you, and she bade me _slay her rival_! I knew my
+fate decreed it so; I dared not disobey the dead, and with a howl of
+fury, I sprang upon Lucia, my _second_ bride. In vain she clasped her
+hands to me in prayer for mercy; in vain she tried to shriek for help;
+I grasped her pale throat until my nails sank into the flesh, and a
+purple hue spread over her face. There I saw her sink from blooming
+health to ghastly death, and every feature was visible to me in all its
+convulsive workings, although the light was out.
+
+"'My spirit wife stood before me and my last victim, until she faded to
+nothing in the morning light.
+
+"'As the beams of the sun streamed in upon me, I took my dead bride in
+my arms and stalked gaily down to the saloon of my father. I heard him
+laughing loudly, and with a laugh I answered him as I carried my burden
+into his presence. He, too, had something in his arms, and it was the
+lifeless form of Cerise, crumbling to decay, and fresh from a banquet
+of worms. We placed our treasures side by side upon a table, and
+embraced each other with yells of laughter. Higher and higher rose our
+mirth, and louder grew our shouts of triumph, until the street beneath
+us was crowded with people, and the servants burst into the saloon
+where we held our revel.
+
+"'We were seized and carried before the Duke, with the cold corpses of
+my wives; but we laughed when they called us murderers, and cursed when
+others called us madmen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"'The keepers of the madhouse awoke me from my slumbers to tell me that
+my father had died during the night. What was that to me? I wanted a
+light burning beside me all night, and then he would not come from the
+grave to visit me. So I laughed and was merry to think that I was
+locked up in a madhouse. After many years I was released from my
+prison, and came thither to take the cowl of a monk. Think not that I
+am mad, holy father, when I solemnly swear that the shades of my wives
+stand beside me every night, and only wait until the light goes out, to
+drag me down to hell. I see them _now_, with bleeding bosom, and throat
+bearing the prints of my nails! Cerise! Lucia! I defy thee both! The
+lamp still burns! ha! ha! ha!'
+
+"With a horrid laugh brother Dominique fell upon his face on the
+ground, like one blasted by a stroke from heaven; and with a vague
+feeling of terror, I crawled stealthily to my own cell.
+
+"On the following day we met at morning prayer, in the chapel, but he
+treated me as though we had never known each other, and the events of
+the preceding night were never again mentioned by either of us.
+
+"One evening, loud peals of laughter were heard issuing from the cell
+of the maniac, and several of the monks hastened thither with me, to
+learn its cause. On opening the door, I first beheld the lamp lying
+extinguished in its niche, while brother Dominique was stretched upon
+the stony pavement in strong convulsions, giving vent every now and
+then to sounds of mirth, so dreadful that we stopped our ears, and fled
+horrified to the superior. When all was again silent we returned to the
+cell; but the maniac was not there, and the niche was vacant."
+
+Such, my boy, was the story related by M. Bonbon, the reading making
+him hoarse, and the plot suggesting a nightmare also.
+
+                                                Yours, staringly,
+                                                        ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LXV.
+
+  NOTING THE REMARKABLE RETROGRADE ADVANCE OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE
+      UPON WASHINGTON, AND THE UNSEEMLY RAIDS OF THE RECKLESS
+      CONFEDERACY.
+
+
+                                   WASHINGTON, D. C., August 30th, 1862.
+
+As every thing continues to indicate, my boy, that President Lincoln is
+an honest man, I am still of the opinion that the restoration of the
+Union is only a question of time, and will be accomplished some weeks
+previous to the commencement of the Millennium. It is the "Union as it
+was" that we want, my boy, and those who have other articles to sell
+are hereby accused of being accursed Abolitionists. I was talking the
+other day to a venerable Congressman from Maryland, who had just
+arrived to protest against the disturbance of mail facilities between
+Baltimore and the capital of the Southern Confederacy, and says he, "I
+have several friends who are Confederacies, and they inform me that
+they are perfectly willing to return to the Union as it Was, in case
+they should fail in their present enterprise. If I thought," says the
+Congressman, hastily placing a lottery-ticket in his vest-pocket, "if I
+thought that this war was to be waged for the purpose of injuring the
+Southern Confederacy, rather than to restore the Union as it was, I
+should at once demand more mileage of the Government, and repeatedly
+inquire what had become of all the 'Wide-Awakes.'"
+
+As he uttered this last horrible threat, my boy, I was impressed with a
+sense of something darkly democratic. Too many of the "Wide-Awakes" of
+the last campaign are indeed fast asleep now, when their country needs
+them. I saw one of them slumbering near Culpepper Court House last
+week. He was sleeping with his right arm twisted in the spokes of a
+disabled cannon wheel, and a small purple mark was on his right temple.
+But he was not alone in his forgetful sloth, my boy; for near him, and
+rigidly grasping his disengaged hand, was a Democrat slumbering too!
+
+The sight, I remember, rendered me so honestly indignant, that I could
+not help pointing it out to the Mackerel Chaplain, who was engaged in
+selling hymn-books to the wounded. The Chaplain looked a moment at the
+Fusion Ticket before us.
+
+"They sleep for the Flag," says he, softly, "and may its Stars shed
+pleasant dreams upon their loyal souls for ever."
+
+The Chaplain is an enthusiast, my boy, and this is what he has written
+about
+
+          OUR GUIDING STARS.
+
+  The planets of our Flag are set
+    In God's eternal blue sublime,
+  Creation's world-wide starry stripe
+    Between the banner'd days of time.
+
+  Upon the sky's divining scroll,
+    In burning punctuation borne,
+  They shape the sentence of the night
+    That prophesies a cloudless morn.
+
+  The waters free their mirrors are;
+    And fair with equal light they look
+  Upon the royal ocean's breast,
+    And on the humble mountain brook.
+
+  Though each distinctive as the soul
+    Of some new world not yet begun,
+  In bright career their courses blend
+    Round Liberty's unchanging Sun.
+
+  Thus ever shine, ye Stars, for all!
+    And palsied be the hand that harms
+  Earth's pleading signal to the skies,
+    And Heav'ns immortal Coat of Arms.
+
+You are probably aware, my boy, that the unconquerable Mackerel Brigade
+is still advancing upon Washington in a highly respectable and
+strategic manner; and that all correspondents are excluded from the
+lines, lest some of them, in their natural blackness of heart, should
+construe the advance upon Washington into a retreat from Richmond.
+
+But I gained admission to the scene by adopting the airy and pleasing
+uniform of the Southern Confederacy; and am thereby enabled to give you
+some further account of the skillful retrograde advance to which I
+dimly referred in my absorbing last.
+
+The uniform of the Southern Confederacy is much respected by many of
+our officers, my boy, and is the only guise in which a fellow-being may
+scrutinize the national strategic works with entire safety.
+
+Thus attired, I joined the Mackerel Brigade in its cheerful work of
+pushing Richmond away from its martial front, and having penetrated to
+the rear where horrible carnage was being wrought in the frantic ranks
+of the Confederacy, I beheld the idolized General of the Mackerel
+Brigade anxiously searching for something upon the ground. In a moment,
+he looked up, and says he to the warriors in his neighborhood:
+
+"My children, have you seen anything of a small black bottle that I
+placed upon the grass, just now, when I turned to speak to my aid?"
+
+A Mackerel chap coughed respectfully, and says he: "I guess it was
+taken by some equestrian Confederacies, which has just made another
+raid."
+
+"Thunder!" says the General, "that's the third bottle I've lost in the
+same way within an hour." And he proceeded slowly and thoughtfully to
+mount his horse, which stood eyeing him with funereal solemnity and
+many inequalities of surface.
+
+Turning to another part of the line, my boy, I beheld Captain Villiam
+Brown and Captain Bob Shorty in the act of performing a great strategic
+movement with the indomitable Conic Section, many of whom were
+employing the moment to take a last look at the canteens presented to
+them before leaving home by their devoted mothers. A number of reckless
+Confederacies had just crossed a bridge spanning a small stream near
+by, and the object of this daring movement was to suddenly destroy the
+bridge before they could retreat and then make prisoners of the whole.
+
+It was a sublime conception, my boy--it was a sublime conception, and
+rich with strategy.
+
+Like panthers surrounding their unsuspecting prey, the wily Mackerels
+swept noiselessly across the bridge, applied their axes with the
+quickness of thought, and in a moment the doomed structure fell
+splashing into the water. It was beautiful to see Villiam's honest
+exultation at this moment; his eyes brightened like small bottles of
+brandy with the light shining through them, and says he:
+
+"We have circumvented the Confederacy. Ah!" says Villiam, proudly; "the
+United States of America is now prepared to continue in the exchange
+business, and--"
+
+He paused. He paused, my boy, because he suddenly observed that Captain
+Bob Shorty had commenced to scratch his head in a dismal manner.
+
+"I'm blessed," says Captain Bob Shorty, in a cholerical manner--"I'm
+blessed if I don't think there's some mistake here, my military infant!"
+
+"Ha!" says Villiam, with dignity; "do you discover a flaw in the great
+chain woven by the United States of America around the doomed
+Confederacy?"
+
+Captain Bob Shorty again scratched his head, and says he:
+
+"I don't wish to make unpleasant insinuations; but it seems to me that
+this here body of infantry has left itself on the wrong side of the
+stream!"
+
+And so it had, my boy. By one of those little mistakes which will
+sometimes occur in the most victorious armies, the Conic Section had
+thoughtlessly _crossed the bridge_ before destroying it, thus leaving
+themselves on one side of the river, while the riotous Confederacies
+were on the other.
+
+How they got across again, at a fordable place higher up, just in time
+to see the Confederacies cross again, at a fordable place lower down, I
+will not pause to tell you, as such information might retard
+enlistments.
+
+Once more stationing myself near the General of the Mackerel Brigade,
+who sat astride his funereal charger like the equestrian statue of the
+Duke of Wellington, I was watching his motions attentively, when a body
+of horsemen suddenly dashed by him, and I saw, as they disappeared,
+that he was left bareheaded.
+
+"Thunder!" says the general, winking very violently in the sunlight,
+and rattling his sword in a fearless manner, "where's my cap gone to?"
+
+There was a respectful Mackerel chap at hand, and says he:
+
+"I think it was took by the equestrian Confederacy, which has jest made
+another raid."
+
+"Hum!" says the general, thoughtfully, "that's very true. Thunder!"
+says the general to himself, as it were: "this is all Greeley's work."
+
+Pondering deeply over this last remark, I sauntered to another part of
+the field, where the Orange County Howitzers were being prepared to
+repel the charge of a regiment of Confederacies, who had just come
+within our lines for the purpose. The artillery was well handled, my
+boy, and not a piece would have been captured but for the splendid
+discipline of the gunners. They were too well disciplined to dispute
+orders, my boy; and as Captain Samyule Sa-mith had accidentally
+forgotten to give the order to "load" before he told them to fire, the
+effect of our metal upon the hostile force was not as inflammatory as
+it might have been.
+
+The next I saw of Samyule, he was making his report to the general, who
+received him with much enthusiasm.
+
+"Where are your guns, my child?" says the general, with paternal
+affability.
+
+Samyule blew his nose in a business-like manner, and says he;
+
+"Several of them have just gone South."
+
+I am unable to state what response the general intended to make, my
+boy; for at this instant a body of horsemen swept between the speakers,
+one of the riders jerking the veteran's horse violently from under him,
+and galloping the steed away with him. Up sprang the general, in a
+violent perspiration, and says he:
+
+"Where's my horse gone to?"
+
+"I guess," says a Mackerel chap, stepping up--"I guess that it was took
+by the equestrian Confederacy, which has just made another raid."
+
+"Thunder!" says the general, "they'll take my coat and vest next." And
+he retired to a spot nearer Washington.
+
+I would gladly continue my narrative of the advance movement, my boy,
+showing how our forces continued their march in excellent order, safely
+reaching a spot within ten miles of the place they gained on the
+following day; but such revelations would simply tend to confuse your
+weak mind with those great doubts concerning military affairs which
+tend to render civilization impertinently critical.
+
+It is the simple duty of civilians, my boy, to implicitly trust our
+brass-buttoned generals; of whom there are enough to furnish the whole
+world with war--and never finish it at that.
+
+                                                   Yours, weekly,
+                                                        ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LXVI.
+
+  IN WHICH OUR CORRESPONDENT ASTONISHES US BY ENGAGING IN SINGLE
+      COMBAT WITH M. MICHELET, AND DEMOLISHING "L'AMOUR" AND "LA
+      FEMME."
+
+
+                                    WASHINGTON, D. C., Sept. 4th, 1862.
+
+While I was lounging in a banker's drawing-room this morning, my boy,
+waiting for the filthy lucre chap to come down and say that he was glad
+to see me, I chanced to see the eternal "L'Amour" and "La Femme" lying
+upon a table in the apartment. The sight threw me into a bad humor, for
+I detest those books, my boy, and wish the United States of America had
+never seen them.
+
+Monsieur Michelet, a French individual of questionable morals, first
+writes a book about "Love," and then clinches it with one about
+"Woman." It is hardly necessary to add, that he treats both subjects in
+a thoroughly French manner, and makes one a continuation of the other.
+Love is a charming little story in every man's life, "complete in one
+number"--Number one. Woman is a love-story, "to be continued" until,
+like all other continued stories, it ends with marriage!
+
+Such is the logic implied by Monsieur Michelet's two books, and whether
+it is calculated to elevate or degrade the weaker sex, a majority of
+educated American women have eagerly read the books and accepted the
+sentiments as so many compliments. And the men? They leisurely rove
+through the leaves of monsieur's mental Valambrosa, and say: "How
+Frenchy!" And in that natural exclamation we find the most complete and
+just criticism of "L'Amour" and "La Femme" possible to American lips or
+pen.
+
+This Michelet, my boy, is a man of talent and remarkably clear poetical
+perception. He is as much like Hallam as a Frenchman can be like an
+Englishman, and France honors him for his development of the poetry of
+her history; but is that any reason why he should be accepted as the
+modern High-priest of Love and the Censor of Woman? By no means. Madame
+de Stael was thinking of a Frenchman when she wrote: "Love is only an
+episode in man's life"--and may have referred to herself when she
+added: "but it is woman's whole existence." Had an American woman
+spoken this, we should suspect the sentiment to be nothing more than
+the reproach of a disappointed passion; but of the Frenchman it is
+indisputably true, as well as of woman wherever we find her.
+
+The French do not know what Fidelity means, my boy; they have chameleon
+souls, and remain true to one object only until another comes within
+their reach. Like mad bulls, they are attracted by the quiescent warmth
+of fiery-red; and, having attained it, tear it to pieces in their
+passion.
+
+What can such people know about Love? Nothing. They call Love
+"L'Amour," and when we speak of a man's "amours," we mean that he
+"loves" like a Frenchman. Monsieur Michelet is a Frenchman; and
+supposing him to be an ordinary one, we must accept his sentiments
+regarding Woman as we would those of an Apicius regarding a delicacy he
+apostrophizes before devouring. But Michelet's temperament is poetical,
+and while he looks upon Woman as a foretaste of the sensualist's
+paradise, and upon Love as the means of gaining it, he covers up the
+grossness of his ideas with robes borrowed from the angels. Adopting
+Kepler's canon, that "harmony is the perfection of relations," he makes
+Woman, the creature, a continuation of Love, the sentiment; and the
+tenor of his "L'Amour" and "La Femme" is, that both must be possessed
+by man, in order to perfect the union which makes them a perfect One.
+
+Wherever I go I find these books: cheek to cheek they repose on the
+carved table of the lady's boudoir; shoulder to shoulder they stand on
+the library shelf; _tete-a-tete_ they give the rich centre-table an
+equivocal aspect. Young men and maidens, old men and matrons, children
+and chambermaids read them; yet they have no social effect. Woman
+understands love and herself; Man thinks he understands both; and the
+fictitious fervor of Monsieur Michelet has no more effect upon either
+than so much prismatic froth. It addresses itself piquantly to the eye,
+and murmurs like a shell in the ear; but once out of sight and hearing,
+and it is only an excuse for light talk and laxity of thought.
+
+I am glad to record this; it shows that our national morality is in no
+danger of being wrecked on the French coast by any such tropical gales
+as Michelet, Feydeau, or Dumas can blow. Let our publishers bring over
+a few more cargoes from the Augæan stables of French literature in
+English bottoms, and I will guarantee them large profits. We will read
+them, and immediately forget all about it.
+
+But to return to Michelet again. Our women read his "Woman," and
+imagine that it compliments their sex--flatters them. Fortunate is it,
+that flattery very seldom changes a woman's character, though it may
+sway her judgment. She accepts it as her right, but seldom believes it.
+Queen Elizabeth graciously extended her hand to be kissed when her
+noble lover compared her to "the sun, whose faintest ray extinguishes
+the brightest planet;" yet that same hand had signed the flatterer's
+death-warrant. At the moment she was pleased, and her good sense dazed;
+but her heart was not reached. Flattery, skillfully administered, may
+add fuel to a woman's love; but the fire must first be kindled with
+something more sympathetic. An American woman may read "La Femme," and
+complacently receive its subtle _equivoques_ as so much fuel added to
+her vanity; but that vanity was kindled into existence in the first
+place by the genuine homage of some honest man.
+
+It was Michelet's "Woman," my boy, that suggested this letter; yet I
+did not intend, at the outset, to devote so much space to his
+unwholesome sophistry. If I have shown, however, that Michelet's
+"Woman" is only such a being as he would have created under that name,
+could he have changed places with the Deity, I have not wasted time and
+ink. Thank fortune, there is but one French deity, and his proper name
+commences with a D.
+
+Now, let me give my own idea of Woman--not "La Femme."
+
+As she stands before me in the light of Nature, she is no "enigma," as
+voluntarily-puzzled poets have called her; but a being easily defined,
+and not more nearly related to the angels than man. To the best of her
+sex we attribute one natural weakness and one virtue--Curiosity and
+Modesty. Everybody must allow this much. But why should we make such a
+distinction between these two qualities? Let us trace them back to
+their exemplar:
+
+Eve's curiosity was the first effect of her serpentine temptation. Was
+it not? Well, that curiosity caused her to eat the forbidden fruit.
+Having eaten it, and caused Adam to eat, she suddenly became possessed
+of modesty, and made herself an apron of fig-leaves. It is but natural
+to infer that her first blush was worn at the same time, though Milton
+attributes blushes to the angels. As angels are immaterial beings, I
+think Milton was mistaken. Now, if modesty, as well as curiosity, was
+the result of Satanic temptation, why should one be called a weakness
+and the other a virtue? Are not both the fruits of original sin?
+
+Woman's love is said to be stronger and more lasting than man's. Is it
+so? Let us trace it back to its beginning:
+
+Eve's love for Adam did not prevent her fall. She met the Prince of
+Darkness and listened to his blandishments, as too many ladies of the
+present time prefer the society of bogus courtiers to that of their
+Adams of husbands. She forever disgraced Adam, herself, and her future
+family, just to please the tempter. Was this a proof the depth and
+vitality of Woman's love? And Adam? Why, rather than refuse any request
+of the woman he loved, however extravagant, he voluntarily shared in
+her ruin, and courted the curse of her fall. Did this prove that Man's
+love is weaker and shorter-lived than Woman's?
+
+Now, I should like to see some one impudent enough to assert that Eve
+was more curious, or less modest, or more fickle than are the best of
+her female descendants. Such impudence is not compatible with the
+present position of civilization. Then, as Eve was the great exemplar
+of her sex in Modesty and Fidelity as well as Curiosity, it follows
+that Woman's Modesty is the result of inherited sin, and her Fidelity
+in Love no greater than Man's.
+
+Alas! for the "angels" of the poets, my boy. Prove that her Modesty and
+Love are anything but heavenly, and what remains to make Woman angelic?
+
+I could honor, love, and might obey the Best of Her Sex; but I shall
+never worship her. She is not a Deity--only a Woman. I believe that God
+intends each woman for a wife; yet six marriages out of every dozen are
+unhappy ones. And what is the reason? Simply this:
+
+Before marriage, man generally accepts one of the two poetical theories
+respecting Woman. He either supposes her to be an angel, purer and more
+elevated in her nature than he in his; or gloats over her as a delicate
+morsel prepared for his special delectation by the gods. In either
+case, he finds out his mistake when it is too late to rectify it, and
+his disappointment is but the refinement of disgust. He either
+discovers that woman is only a human being, and very much like himself
+by nature; or that constant familiarity with her brings her down to the
+level of a man in his estimation. There is but one possibility of
+escape from disappointment in either case; the death of husband or wife
+within a year of the wedding day!
+
+Husbands and wives, have I spoken truly?
+
+But there are exceptions to every rule. Some men marry women for the
+sake of having homes of their own; others, for money; still others,
+because it is the fashion. The man who marries for a comfortable home
+often gets what he desired, and is contented; the mercenary husband is
+likely to do and feel the same; the fashionable husband generally cuts
+his throat. These exceptions do not break the rule.
+
+It may be asked: Why do widowers so often marry again, if they were so
+disappointed in their first wives? My boy, you are no philosopher. How
+many men have learned wisdom by experience? Only a few, and they are
+all dead. If a sailor is shipwrecked, and nearly killed on his first
+voyage, does he forsake the sea forever after? If a man buys an image
+supposed to be made of marble, and discovers that it is plaster, does
+he never buy another image? Because you and your neighbors chance to
+buy a barrel of bad eggs, are you satisfied that good ones are not to
+be had?
+
+An enthusiastic young man marries a girl whom he supposes to be an
+"angel." A year passes, and he mourns over his mistake. A few more roll
+away, and she dies. Does the widower profit by his experience? No! He
+says to himself: "My late wife was not an 'angel;' but that sweet girl
+I saw yesterday certainly is. She is entirely different from my late
+wife." Well, he marries angel No. 2. She proves to be No. 1 in a
+different dress.
+
+A tropical young man is infatuated with the physical beauty of a girl,
+and marries her with the idea that he will never weary of looking at
+her. A year passes, and he is heartily tired of her. She dies. Does the
+widower profit by his experience? No! He says to himself: "I was
+wearied of my late wife because her hair, eyes and complexion were the
+same as mine. Physiologists say that opposites are necessary to
+matrimonial bliss. There is Miss ----, with her hair, eyes and
+complexion, in direct antithesis with mine. I am _sure_ I should never
+weary of her!" He marries her. And tires of her.
+
+Do you see, my boy?
+
+And now to remedy this evil: Let us look upon woman as she is. If an
+"angel" with golden hair, snowy complexion, pearly teeth, heaven blue
+eyes, and no appetite, sounds better in poetry than a true woman, with
+auburn hair, fair complexion, clean teeth, and nice blue eyes, why, let
+the poets rant about "angels." But poetry has nothing to do with so
+practical an event as marriage, and its "angels" will not do for wives.
+A man cannot be guilty of a more absurd and unprovoked piece of
+injustice, than that of persisting in believing his bride more of an
+angel than human. He might as well go to a jeweller's, and insist upon
+buying a pearl for a diamond, when the certain result of such folly
+would be his denunciation of the pearl as a swindle, when time
+convinced him of its real character. No true woman desires to be looked
+upon as an "angel," nor to have her beauty valued as a joy imperishable.
+
+It is very common for women to lament the indifference of husbands who
+were the most attentive and obedient of lovers. I have explained the
+cause of the defection.
+
+To secure happiness--or contentment, at least--in the marriage state,
+we must regard woman as our equal by nature, whatever superiority or
+inferiority she may possess by virtue of her mental or social
+education. We must not look _up_ to her, nor _down_ upon her, but
+straight _at_ her. We must not base our love for her upon supposed
+angelic qualities. If we desire to make her happy, and be happy
+ourselves, we must recognize her human origin in common with our own,
+and accept her physical inferiority as security for the continuance of
+our own love in all its normal strength.
+
+Of course there are grades in human nature. Some natures are more
+refined than others, from the effects of their surroundings and
+education. But the lover should recognize no degree higher than his own
+when he selects his mistress. Then, if hers proves higher than his,
+after marriage, he is delighted; if the same as his, he is satisfied.
+But suppose it should prove lower than his? Such a supposition is
+untenable in a marriage of mutual affection. A superior nature will
+never gravitate to an inferior one by the attraction of real love.
+There must be a natural sympathy; and sympathy is the rock upon which
+all true love is founded.
+
+Love never yet blended incompatible natures in marriage. Money often
+does--brute-insanity sometimes.
+
+You have probably concluded, by this time, my boy, that my ideas of the
+true Woman and Monsieur Michelet's views of "La Femme" are decidedly at
+variance.
+
+I have sufficient faith in the good sense of Woman to believe that she
+will give preference to my doctrine. If so, she will not translate "La
+Femme" as "Woman," but as "grisette," "lorette," or "camelia lady." To
+christen such a work "Woman," is to lay a snare for the Best of Her
+Sex, and catch the Weakest in it. The female who allows it to affect
+her may possibly make "a neatly-shod grisette," but never a good wife.
+
+It may be asked why I have made "Woman" the subject of this letter, and
+why I have adopted such a Frenchy style?
+
+Simply because there is no subject less understood, my boy, by the
+generality of young mankind; and because I deem it best to practice the
+doctrine of _similia similibus curantur_ (in style) while quarreling
+with Monsieur Michelet.
+
+                                            Yours, sentimentally,
+                                                       ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                             LETTER LXVII.
+
+  GIVING ASSURANCE OF THE UNMITIGATED SAFETY OF THE CAPITAL,
+      EXEMPLIFYING COLONEL WOBINSON's DRAFTING EXPERIENCE, AND
+      NARRATING A GREAT METAPHYSICAL VICTORY.
+
+
+                                 WASHINGTON, D. C., September 5th, 1862.
+
+Everything is confident and buoyant here, my boy, a sense that the
+President is an honest man, inspiring confidence on every side, and
+surrounding the Government with well-known confidence men. The repeated
+safety of the Capital, indeed, has even inspired the genius of New
+England, as illustrated by a thoughtful Boston chap, with one of those
+enlarged business ideas which will yet enable that section to betrade
+the whole world. The thoughtful Boston chap has read all the war-news,
+my boy, for the last six months, and as he happens to be a moral
+manufacturer of burglar-proof safes, a happy pecuniary thought struck
+him forcibly. After joining the church, to make sure of his morality
+here, he came hither in haste, opened an establishment, read the
+war-news once more, and then issued the following enterprising card:
+
+                           BUY THE CELEBRATED
+                            WASHINGTON SAFE!
+
+Everybody thought it was the safe they'd read so much about in the
+papers, my boy, and several hundreds were sold.
+
+There was another chap, named Burns, the inventor of a Family and
+Military Gridiron, who noticed how the thoughtful Boston chap was
+making money by the advertising necessities of our distracted country.
+Having been born in Connecticut at a very early age, my boy, he was not
+long in finding a way to make his own eternal fortune, after the same
+meritorious manner. So he at once repaired to a liquor shop, to make
+sure that a majority of our staff-officers would hear him, and then,
+says he, in stentorian tones:
+
+"My sympathies are all with the Southern Confederacy, to whom I send
+the weekly journals of romance on the day of publication. As to the
+Union," says the Connecticut chap, hotly, "I have less confidence in it
+than I have in my Patent Economical Family and Military Gridiron."
+
+He was immediately arrested for this seditious talk, my boy, and all
+the reporters telegraphed an exciting dispatch to the reliable morning
+journals:
+
+"_Exciting Affair--Arrest of an Influential Rebel!_--The celebrated Mr.
+Burns has been arrested for publicly saying that he had more confidence
+in his well-known and ingenious patent Economical Family and Military
+Gridiron than he had in the Union. Upon hearing of his incarceration,
+the most sanguine rebel sympathizers here admitted that the cause of
+the South was lost forever."
+
+The Connecticut chap remained in custody until he had received four
+hundred orders for gridirons, from private families and army-chaplains,
+and then he explained that the words he had used were uttered in the
+heat of passion, and he was, of course, honorably discharged from
+prison, to make way for a shameless, aged miscreant just committed for
+two years' hard labor, on suspicion of having discouraged enlistments
+by asserting that, although he was too old to go to the war himself, he
+intended to send a substitute.
+
+Simultaneously, all the reporters telegraphed again to the reliable
+morning journals:
+
+"_The Burns Affair Settled!--Full Particulars of the Gridiron!_--Mr.
+Burns, the celebrated inventor of the famous Patent Gridiron, has been
+honorably discharged by order of the Secretary of War. His inimitable
+Gridiron is destined to have an immense sale.
+
+"It cooks a beafsteak in such a manner that the appetite is fully
+satisfied from merely looking at it, and the same steak will do for
+breakfast next morning. This is a great saving. Persons having nothing
+to eat find this Gridiron a great comfort, and hence the propriety of
+introducing it in the army."
+
+The Gridirons are having a great sale, my boy, and it is believed that
+the business interests of the country are being rapidly improved by the
+war.
+
+Knowing that the Mackerel Brigade was making preparations to entrap the
+Southern Confederacy at Molasses Junction, I ascended to the upper
+gallery of my architectural steed, Pegasus, on Tuesday, in order that I
+might not be unduly hurried on my journey. Taking Accomac on my way to
+the battle-field, my boy, I called upon Colonel Wobert Wobinson, who is
+superintending preparations for the draft there, and was witness to an
+incident suitable to be recorded in profane history.
+
+The draft in Accomac, my boy, is positively to take place on the 11th
+of September; but it is not believed that the enrollment can be
+finished before the 15th; in which case, the draft must inevitably take
+place on the 20th. In fact, the Judge-Advocate of the Accomac states
+positively that the conscription will commence on the 1st of October;
+and volunteering is so brisk that no draft may be required. At least,
+such is the report of those best acquainted with the more decisive
+plans of the War Department, which thinks of joining the Temperance
+Society.
+
+The exempts were filing their papers of exemption with Colonel Wobert
+Wobinson, my boy, and amongst them was one chap with a swelled eye, a
+deranged neck-tie, and a hat that looked as though it might have been
+used as an elephant's foot-bath. The chap came in with a heavy walk,
+and says he:
+
+"Being a married man, war has no terror for me; but I am obliged to
+exempt myself from military affairs on account of the cataract in my
+eyes."
+
+Colonel Wobert Wobinson looked at him sympathizingly, and says he: "You
+might possibly do for a major-general, my son, as it is blindness
+principally that characterises a majority of our present major-generals
+in the field; but fearing that your absence from home might cause a
+prostration in the liquor business, I will accept your cataract as
+valid."
+
+The poor chap sighed until he reached the first hiccup, and then says
+he: "I wish I could cure this here cataract, which causes my eyes to
+weep in the absence of all woe."
+
+"Do your orbs liquidate so freely?" says the Colonel, with the air of a
+family physician.
+
+"Yes," says the poor chap, gloomily, "they are like two continual mill
+streams."
+
+"Mill streams!" says Colonel Wobinson meditatively, "mill streams! Why,
+then, you'd better dam your eyes."
+
+"I think, my boy, I say I _think_, that this kindly advice of Colonel
+Wobert Wobinson's must have been misunderstood in some way; for an
+instant departure of several piously-inclined recruits took place
+precipitately, and the poor chap chuckled like a fiend.
+
+It is the great misfortune of our mother tongue, my boy, that words of
+widely-different meanings have precisely the same sound, and in using
+one you seem to be abusing another.
+
+Arriving near the celebrated Molasses Junction, where a number of
+Mackerels were placing a number of new cars and locomotives on the
+track--the object being to delude the Southern Confederacy into taking
+a ride in them, when, it was believed, the aforesaid Confederacy would
+speedily be destroyed by one of those "frightful accidents" without
+which a day on any American railroad would be a perfect
+anomaly--arriving there, I say, I took an immediate survey of the
+appointed field of strife.
+
+To the inexperienced civilian eye, my boy, everything appeared to be in
+a state of chaotic confusion, which nothing but the military genius of
+our generals could make much worse. On all sides, my boy, I beheld the
+Mackerel chaps marching and countermarching; falling back, retiring,
+retreating, and making retrograde movements. Some were looking for
+their regiments; some were insanely looking for their officers, as
+though they did not know that the latter have resided permanently in
+Washington ever since the war commenced; some were making calls on
+others, and here and there might be seen squads of Confederates picking
+up any little thing they might happen to find.
+
+Finding the general of the Mackerel Brigade lunching upon a bottle and
+tumbler near me, I saluted him, and says I:
+
+"Tell me, my veteran, how it is that you permit the Southern
+Confederacy to meander thus within your lines?"
+
+The general looked toleratingly at me, and says he;
+
+"I have a plan to entrap the Confederacy, and end this doomed rebellion
+at one stroke. Do you mark that long train of army wagons down there
+near my quarters?"
+
+"Yes," says I, nervously.
+
+"Well, then, my nice little boy," says the general, cautiously, "I'll
+tell you what the plan is. These wagons contain the rations of our
+troops. It is my purpose to induce the celebrated Confederacy to
+capture these wagons and attempt to eat those rations. If the
+Confederacy will only do that," says the general, fiercely, "it will be
+taken sick on the spot, and we shall capture it alive."
+
+I could not but feel shocked at this inhuman artifice, my boy. The
+Southerners have indeed acted in away to forfeit all ordinary mercy,
+but still, we should abstain from any retaliatory act savoring of
+demoniac malignity. Our foes are at least human beings.
+
+Suppressing my horror, however, I assumed a practical aspect, and says
+I:
+
+"But how are the Mackerel warriors to subsist, my Napoleon, if you
+allow the rations to go?"
+
+"Thunder!" says the general, handing me a paper from his pocket. "They
+are to subsist exclusively on the enemy. Just peruse this document,
+which I have just fulminated."
+
+Taking the paper, I found it to be the following
+
+                              PROCLAMATION.
+
+Whereas, The matter of provisions is a great expense to the United
+States of America, besides offering inducements for unexpected raids on
+the part of the famishing foeman; the Mackerel Brigade is hereby
+directed to live entirely upon the Southern Confederacy, eating him
+alive wherever found, and partaking of no other food.
+
+The Brigade will not be permitted to take any clothing with it on the
+march, being required henceforth to dress exclusively in the
+habiliments of captured Confederacies.
+
+We have done with retrograde movements. No more lines of retreat will
+be kept open, and henceforth the Mackerel Brigade is to make nothing
+but great captures.
+
+                               By order of
+                  THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
+    [Green Seal.]
+
+This able document, my boy, pleased me greatly as an evidence that the
+war had indeed commenced in earnest; and though at that moment, I
+beheld some half a dozen Confederacies ransacking the tent where the
+general kept his mortgages, his bank account, and other Government
+property, I felt that our foes were about to be summarily dealt with at
+last.
+
+An orderly having finally given notice to the Confederacies rummaging
+within our lines to get to their proper places, in order that the
+battle might begin, the Anatomical Cavalry, under Captain Samyule
+Sa-mith, made a headlong charge upon a body of foes who were destroying
+a bridge near the middle of the field, and succeeded in obliging them
+to remain there. This brilliant movement was the signal for a general
+engagement, and a regiment of Confederacies at once advanced within our
+lines and inquired the way to Washington.
+
+Having given them the desired information, and allowed a number of
+other similar regiments to take a position between the Mackerels and
+the capital, the general gave orders for the Conic Section and the
+Orange County Howitzers to fall cautiously back, in order that the
+remaining Confederacies might get between us and Richmond.
+
+You will perceive that by this movement, my boy, we cut the enemy's
+force completely in two, thus compelling him to attack us either in the
+front or in the rear, and giving him no choice of any other operation
+save flank movements. Our plans being thus perfected, Captain Villiam
+Brown, with Company 3, Regiment 5, was ordered to charge into a wood
+near at hand, with a view to induce some recently-arrived reserve
+Confederacies to take position in our centre, while still others would
+be likely to flank us on the right and left.
+
+You may remember, my boy, that it has heretofore been our misfortune to
+fight on the circumference of a circle, while the Confederacy had the
+inside, and this great strategic scheme was intended to produce a
+result _vice versa_.
+
+It was a great success, my boy--a great success; and our troops
+presently found themselves inside the most complete circle on record.
+Villiam Brown not only charged into the wood, but staid there; and when
+one of the Orange County Howitzers was discharged with great precision
+at a reporter who was caught sneaking into our lines, the report was
+heard by the Venerable Gammon at Washington, causing that revered man
+to telegraph to all the papers, that no one need feel alarmed, as he
+was perfectly safe, and that our victory was very complete.
+
+What particular danger the Venerable Gammon had incurred, I can't say,
+my boy; nor what he knew about the battle; but his dispatch caused
+renewed confidence all over the country, and was a great comfort to his
+friends.
+
+Having got the Confederacies just where he wanted them, the General of
+the Mackerel Brigade now dispatched ten veterans under Sergeant O'Pake
+to attack a few hundred foes who had intrenched themselves in an
+unseemly manner right among our wagons. The Mackerels were well
+received as prisoners of war, and paroled on the spot; a proceeding
+which so greatly pleased the idolized general, that he at once issued
+this second
+
+                              PROCLAMATION.
+
+It must be understood, that in his recent proclamation directing the
+Mackerel Brigade to dine exclusively upon Southern Confederacies, the
+general commanding did not intend that such dining should take place
+without the free consent of aforesaid Confederacies.
+
+It must not be understood that the order concerning the confiscation of
+Confederate garments is intended to authorize a forcible confiscation
+of such costume, in opposition to the free will of the wearers.
+
+By "no lines of retreat being kept open," is meant: no lines of which
+the general commanding was at that time cognizant.
+
+            THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
+
+This admirable order, my boy, produced great enthusiasm in the ranks,
+as no Confederacies had yet been caught, and there was some danger of
+starvation in the _corps_.
+
+And now, my boy, occurred that magnificent piece of generalship which
+is destined to live forever on the annals of fame, and convince the
+world that our military leaders possess a genius eminently fitting
+every one of them for the next Presidency, or any other peaceful
+office. By skillful manoeuvring, the gifted General of the Mackerel
+Brigade had succeeded in cutting the enemy's force to pieces, the
+pieces being mixed up with our own army. Then came the words: "Forward,
+double-quick!"
+
+Facing toward Washington, our vanguard forced the Confederacies before
+them to move right ahead. Swiftly following the vanguard, and evidently
+fancying that it was flying before them, came a regiment of
+Confederacies. Pursuing the latter, as though in triumph, appeared the
+Conic Section, Mackerel Brigade; closely succeeded in its turn by a
+regiment of Confederacies in charge of our baggage-wagons; racing after
+whom was a regiment of Mackerels; and so on to the end of the line.
+
+You may ask me, my boy, with which side rested the victory in this
+remarkable movement?
+
+That question, my boy, cannot be decided yet, as the whole procession
+has scarcely reached Washington; but the answer may be said to depend
+very much upon whether the last regiment coming in is Mackerel or
+Confederate.
+
+The contest, my boy, has assumed a profound metaphysical aspect, and
+the development of a little more military genius on our own side will
+tend to utterly confound our enemies and--everybody else.
+
+                                               Yours, ponderingly,
+                                                        ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                             LETTER LXVIII.
+
+  INTRODUCING ONCE MORE THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB, WITH A CURIOUS
+      "LAMENT," AND A STORY FROM THE SPANISH MEMBER.
+
+
+                                 WASHINGTON, D. C., September 9th, 1862.
+
+You may remember, my boy, that some months ago there was a trespass of
+depraved burglarious chaps at Wheatland, the seat of Ex-President
+Buchanan. The matter might have slipped my own mind, had not the
+British member of the Cosmopolitan, last night, read aloud the
+following memorandum of the thing, found in a deserted Confederate camp
+on the Rappahannock. The Briton waved his hand for silence, and says he:
+
+                LAMENT.
+
+      BY A CHEVALIER D'INDUSTRIE
+
+  It really seems as if the trick
+    Of this here game, secession,
+  Was bound to bring disgrace upon
+    Each wirtuous profession.
+
+  The days of chivalry are gone,
+    When gentlemen wos plucky,
+  And sooner'd starve than lower themselves
+    To make their swag and lucky.
+
+  Why, when I wos a little prig,
+    And took the junior branches,
+  We all looked down upon the chap
+    That traveled vulgar ranches.
+
+  It wos beneath a gentleman
+    To stoop to vulgar stealin's;
+  And when I see how things is changed,
+    It really hurts my feelin's.
+
+  We had some dignity, you see,
+    And upper circles knew it;
+  For if a thing wos wicious mean,
+    We wos too proud to do it!
+
+  The crib that wos respectable
+    Among the higher classes,
+  We cracked in style, like gentlemen.
+    And took the spoons and glasses.
+
+  But when a crib wos something low--
+    An author's, or a preacher's--
+  We had too much of self-respect
+    To recognize the creatures.
+
+  If taking watches wos the lay,
+    Or handkerchers, or purses,
+  We never noticed wulgar nobs,
+    Nor wictims of rewerses.
+
+  But things is changed since Johnny died,
+    And our profession's fallen
+  So werry low, it really ain't
+    A gentlemanly callin'.
+
+  There's some as once wos gentlemen
+    When cracksmen's art was balmy,
+  Now shame us all by fig'ring as
+    Contractors for the army!
+
+  What wonder, when our former pal,
+    A vulgar, sneakin' knave is,
+  They hang our pictures in a row
+    With Floyd, and Cobb, and Davis?
+
+  But just as if this wa'n't enough
+    To make us hide our faces,
+  A man we once look'd up to, all,
+    Must add to our disgraces;
+
+  A base, degenerate, shameless cove
+    Has sullied our profession,
+  By stoopin' to a lay that is
+    Depraved beyond expression.
+
+  He's activally come and went--
+    The werry thought's unmannin'--
+  He's activally gone and robbed
+    Ex-President Buchanan!
+
+Alas! my boy, there is naught so fallen in humanity, but it may become
+still more depraved. I have known members of State Legislatures to be
+finally elected Congressmen. After the above _chanson_ had been read,
+the Spanish member gave us his story of
+
+
+                          DON BOBADIL BANCO;
+
+                        OR, WHO OWNS THE BABY?
+
+"I always respect a man who drinks good Port, especially if he
+frequently invites me to take dinner with him, and hence I have
+selected as my hero, a gallant Spaniard, whose fondness for the
+delicious juice was never doubted.
+
+"Don Bobadil Banco was a gentleman of good family, who graduated with
+honor at Salamanca, and retired from thence to Madrid, in company with
+a fellow student named Don Philip Funesca. The erudite pair hired
+lodgings in an aristocratic part of the city, and after much delay,
+installed one Dame Margy as their housekeeper, cook, and chambermaid,
+being resolved to husband their scanty resources until, by coming of
+age, they could inherit the estates and fortunes of their fathers.
+
+"It is to be presumed that the friends entered society and made
+consummate fools of themselves, as very young men generally do when
+they first mingle with ladies; but as that period of their career can
+possess very little novelty for most people, I shall only favor it with
+this passing notice, and at once introduce the gallant pair as they
+appeared on the ---- night, in the month of ----, in the year of our
+Lord ----, at -- o'clock.
+
+"In a very small room, before a very small window, was standing a very
+small table, at the side of which were two very shabby chairs, on which
+were seated two very young men; and as it was growing very dark, two
+very small candles, in two very small candlesticks, were placed on the
+very small table, in company with two very small decanters, filled with
+very cheap Port, and two very old goblets, of very dirty pewter.
+
+"The two very young men remained very still for a very long time, save
+when they made very long applications to the very old goblets of very
+cheap Port; and as you must be very anxious to know whether these very
+young men were very ugly or very good looking, I shall be very happy to
+profit by this very opportune state of things, and give a very concise
+description of their personal charms.
+
+"Don Bobadil was very tall, very thin, with very long black hair, very
+small black eyes; very yellow complexion, very good teeth, and was
+dressed very foppishly.
+
+"Don Philip was very short, very fat, with very long brown hair, very
+large brown eyes, very fair complexion, very large mouth, and was
+plainly attired.
+
+"They both looked very happy, and drank very often.
+
+"'Well, Philip,' said Bobadil, at length, 'a bachelor's life, in
+Madrid, is not quite so charming as in Salamanca; upon my word I have
+almost become a limb of society, and it will prove a sad dismemberment
+when I go to my father's villa. These gay senoritas have so completely
+infatuated me, that I am never happy out of their company, and when I
+think of leaving them altogether, it makes me really miserable,' and
+the Don consoled himself with a huge swallow of wine.
+
+"'I perfectly agree with you,' answered Don Philip, 'and dread the idea
+of leaving the dear charmers without making one of them a prisoner.'
+
+"'We must have more gold soon,' said Bobadil, gloomily, taking a goblet
+of Port.
+
+"'You speak truly, my friend. Our purses are growing very light, and
+nothing but wealthy wives will make them heavy. How unjust is the
+decree that makes us wait until we are older before we can help
+ourselves to the treasures of our families. Here are nearly thirty
+hairs upon my chin, and yet the grim old hidalgoes call me a boy yet.
+Sancta Maria! I should like to cross swords with some of those shaking
+grandees, just to convince them that I have the strength of a man, if I
+have not his years.'
+
+"'The wish is perfectly natural, Don Philip, yet it can do us no good
+at present, when our last flagons of wine stand before us, and Dame
+Margy grows clamorous for her dues,' said Bobadil, imbibing large
+draughts of grape juice.
+
+"'_O, beatissimo, neustra Senora!_ Don't dwell on unpleasant facts, Don
+Bobadil,' responded the other; 'we must replenish our treasures, and
+the means to do it should be our present consideration. We must marry
+stores of maravedis.'
+
+"'That is coming to the point, my dear friend, and your words are
+worthy of a sage; but, my dear Philip, to tell the truth, I dread
+marriage for one reason, namely: that, by engaging in it, one becomes
+liable to incur responsibilities known as babies. I do hate those noisy
+little nuisances as I hate the devil, and, to have one constantly
+squalling in my ears, would soon make a madman of me,' and our hero
+drank heartily of liquor.
+
+"'I will allow the truth of what you say,' replied Philip; 'the cry of
+an infant is not quite as musical as the harp of Orpheus. Still, it is
+better to endure such annoyance than to go about with empty purses, and
+when one who is poor desires to have money, he must endure matrimony,
+or become a rogue. Now there is Lisette, ready to fall into my arms at
+any moment, and bring me a long purse; but I will never leave you a
+bachelor, though I starve.'
+
+"Tears arose involuntarily to the eyes of Bobadil, as his friend spoke
+thus disinterestedly, and, after holding a cup of wine to his lips for
+some moments, he answered:
+
+"'My dear fellow, you are a sage and I am a fool. You shall not starve
+for me though I have to become the father of five hundred little imps
+to save you. Yes, dear Philip, I will sacrifice myself upon the altar
+of friendship, and become a victim of Hymen.' Here the emotions of the
+Spaniard became so violent that a large quantity of Port wine was
+necessary to prevent syncope.
+
+"Don Philip started from his seat, and eyed his friend with every mark
+of unbounded surprise.
+
+"'Can you do it soon?' he asked hurriedly.
+
+"'Before another pair of days have shown their tails above the tide of
+time,' answered Bobadil with poetic fervor, having recourse to the
+decanter containing Port.
+
+"'My dear friend, you must be drunk.'
+
+"'No, Don Philip, I am sober as a monument.'
+
+"'Has some fair sonora smiled upon you?'
+
+"'Not only has she smiled upon me, but she has actually laughed at me.
+Port would never intoxicate me.'
+
+"'_Per Dio!_ I never heard of this before, Bobadil.'
+
+"'Nevertheless, Don Philip, it is true as a _pater_. My pride would not
+allow me to mention my case to you, until I became successful in my
+suit; and when that was decided, I waited until you should be similarly
+circumstanced, and we might marry together. Your frequent absence from
+our lodgings, at night, aroused my suspicions, and I resolved to find
+out your secret before imparting mine. Now that you have named your
+mistress, I will acknowledge that I, also, have one, whose name is
+Leonora, and I intend to make her my wife, when you lead Lisette to the
+altar.'
+
+"'I am rejoiced to hear you speak thus,' answered Don Philip, 'and
+Lisette will partake of my joy; but, tell me, Bobadil, will you gain
+wealth by this union?'
+
+"'Gold enough to build a second Escurial, my dear Philip. Leonora is
+the daughter of a rich Jew, and can show more maravedis than the
+Infanta of Spain.'
+
+"'Better and better. But how is it that her father will allow her to
+wed a Catholic?' inquired Philip.
+
+"'He is not to be consulted in the matter at all. I may as well relate
+the circumstances of our acquaintance, and you will at once perceive
+that the Israelite's consent is not required. Two weeks ago, I was
+passing a small house not far from the Plaza del Rio, and, chancing to
+look up, beheld the face of a beautiful Senora looking from a window.
+Our glances met, whereupon she drew back with a blush, and I gallantly
+kissed the tip of my glove. Although she immediately drew shut the
+lattice, I fancied, from her look, that she was not displeased with my
+conduct, and set about finding out who she was. I soon ascertained that
+her father was a rich Jew, named Miguel, that his wife was dead, and
+that he lived with his daughter and a wrinkled duenna, whom he had
+enlisted to watch Leonora. Much as I despise Jews, the beauty of
+Leonora had sunk into my heart, and I resolved to have an interview
+with her, though our most Holy Church, should excommunicate me for it.
+Accordingly, I passed the house every day for a week, and each time the
+lady withdrew from the window with a blush, as I saluted her. This
+encouraged me to scrape acquaintance with the pythoness who guarded
+her, and by means of several small bribes, I was at length admitted to
+a private interview with Leonora. My idol was coy at first, but after
+one or two stolen visits, she returned my passion in an honorable way,
+and will become my bride whenever it may please me to carry her off
+from her old thief of a father.'
+
+"'But the Jew has all the gold,' said Don Philip, despondingly.
+
+"'Not so,' replied Bobadil. 'My angel has a fortune of her own locked
+up in a trunk, and I shall take good care to secure it in the first
+place.'
+
+"His friend's countenance was lighted by a smile, but it passed away as
+he again spoke--
+
+"'Our priests will never consent to your marriage with a Jewess.'
+
+"'What an owl you are,' retorted Don Bobadil; 'Leonora shall pass for
+as good a Catholic as the Pope himself.'
+
+"'My dear friend, you delight me!' exclaimed Don Philip, springing from
+his seat and embracing Bobadil; 'let us then make ourselves and our
+mistresses happy at once--this very night! You can go after Leonora
+while I seek Lisette.'
+
+"Our hero found it necessary to take a drink of something after this
+proposition, and then responded:
+
+"'Spoken like a Spaniard and a gentleman; I will go to the house of
+Miguel and bring the trunk of treasure from thence--that, you know,
+should be secured first. After bringing it hither I will go back after
+Leonora, and when next we meet I shall be a married man.'
+
+"'Do so, Don Bobadil,' returned Philip, 'and I will, in like manner,
+gain the fortune and hand of Lisette. Let us hasten, my friend, and we
+shall be independently wealthy before morning.'
+
+"Together they drank the remainder of the wine, and having given
+certain orders to Dame Margy, left the house, each taking a different
+route.
+
+"It rained in torrents, when my hero wrapped his long cloak about him
+and set out. The tormenting drops ran the length of his nose and poured
+into his bosom, they crawled damply down his boots, they trickled
+grievously into his ears, they clung to his long black hair, and soaked
+through his sombrero; yet did the brave Spaniard press onward, as a
+hero advances to the breastworks amid a storm of shot and shells. Love
+had cast its thickest blanket about his heart, and a flame burned
+glaringly there that nothing but matrimony and maravedis could quench.
+Arriving in front of his mistress's abode, my hero picked up a handful
+of sand, and threw it lightly against a window pane, such being the
+signal by which he was to make known his presence when Miguel was at
+home. Almost immediately a lattice was opened, and a woman's head,
+ornamented with a scarlet cap _de nuit_ was thrust out.
+
+"'Who's that?' demanded the duenna, snappishly.
+
+"'It's only me,' responded Don Bobadil, in low tones.
+
+"'And who's _me_?' asked the amiable woman.
+
+"'Don Bobadil Banco.'
+
+"'Don Bobadil Banco had better go home, if he don't want to have his
+head broken with a flowerpot,' snarled the duenna.
+
+"'Now, my dear Laura.'
+
+"'Don't 'dear' me! Are you drunk?'
+
+"'I must see Donna Leonora,' said Bobadil.
+
+"'You _are_ drunk!' screamed the lady.
+
+"'No, I am not; but, pray, make less noise, my good Laura, or you will
+have the alguazils about my ears. Tell your lady that I am here, and
+you shall have a purse of ducats.'
+
+"'Oh! ah! I will,' replied the mercenary woman, retiring quickly from
+the window and again closing the lattice.
+
+"The adventurous Spaniard stood in soak for half an hour, at the end of
+which Dame Laura, cautiously admitted him at the door, and he soon
+knelt before his mistress. Donna Leonora was a charming little
+brunette, with raven curls and sparkling black eyes full of mirth.
+
+"'Sancta Maria! what is the matter, Don Bobadil?' she exclaimed, eyeing
+the kneeling personage with surprise.
+
+"'Dearest Leonora, idol of my heart!' replied Bobadil, clasping her
+waist, 'here on my knees let me implore you to become mine forever, and
+make me happier than the angels. Recent events, which I cannot explain
+at present, have rendered it necessary for me to thus intrude upon you
+at an unseasonable hour, and implore that your promise to become my
+bride may be at once fulfilled.'
+
+"'But this is so sudden,' murmured the lady.
+
+"'Pardon my haste, dear Leonora,' answered Don Bobadil. 'I know how
+exquisitely sensitive your nature is; but heaven destined us for each
+other, and when I leave you, I leave a part of myself.'
+
+"'The gentleman speaks wisely,' interrupted the duenna. 'Your father
+has smoked his opium and will sleep until after meridian to-morrow. Go
+with Don Bobadil, Senora, and Miguel shall learn all from me when he
+awakes.'
+
+"Leonora resisted for awhile; but her objections were speedily
+overcome, and she at length yielded to the combined entreaties of her
+lover, and subtle reasoning of her mercenary duenna. Such is love.
+
+"'Here is a load for you, Senor,' said the latter personage, pointing
+to a chest studded with brass nails that stood near. 'Carry it off as
+quickly as possible, and return for your mistress when you have placed
+her fortune in a safe place.'
+
+"Our hero at once acceded to plans so consonant with his own, and after
+embracing the Senorita, he seized the chest and hastened with it to his
+lodgings. It was a heavy load for one man, and the rain still poured
+furiously down; but the lover danced on like a feather before the
+vagrant zephyrs of spring, and soon deposited his precious freight in
+the room where he had lately held converse with Don Philip. This done,
+he hastened back to the house of Don Miguel, impatient to secure his
+fair bride; but Dame Laura met him at the door, with her fingers
+pressed upon her lips, and her form barring his further progress.
+
+"'Hist! not a word!' she whispered cautiously. 'The Jew was aroused by
+the noise you made descending the stairs, and would not be satisfied
+until he had searched the house with a candle in one hand and a drawn
+sword in the other. He is quiet now, and if not again disturbed, will
+soon sleep again. Return to your lodgings, and when Miguel slumbers, I
+will hasten thither with my lady. Not a word! Go!'
+
+"Conquering his impatience, Don Bobadil thrust a purse of slim
+proportions into the bony hand of his confidante, and turned into the
+street without breathing a syllable.
+
+"As he ascended the stairs to his own room, the sound of voices fell
+upon his ear, and fearing for the safety of his treasure, he rushed
+headlong into the apartment with his sword drawn and a determination to
+slaughter the intruders. His anger was soon turned to pleasure, when he
+beheld Don Philip seated beside a very pretty female, whose hands he
+held in his own, and whose ringletted head rested upon his shoulder,
+with an air of familiarity that would have been the death of any old
+maid, whose sight could have been blighted by such a scene. He also
+noticed a chest somewhat smaller than the one he had obtained by right
+of seizure, standing near the window, and felt doubly happy in the
+conviction that his friend had brought home something more substantial
+than a wife.
+
+"'Lisette, this is my friend, Don Bobadil Banco,' said Don Philip,
+leading the lady forward and presenting her. 'This, Don Bobadil, is my
+wife, and though she has no proud title, I shall be proud to present
+her to my family as one worthy of a gentleman's affection.'
+
+"'My dear Philip, allow me to congratulate you on the possession of a
+lady, who, if her virtue equals her beauty, must indeed be an angel,'
+and our hero bowed with his accustomed courtesy to the blushing
+Senorita.
+
+"'But where is the mistress, of whom you boasted a short time since?'
+asked Philip, glancing towards the door, as though expecting to behold
+a fourth person. 'I supposed that I should find her here with a priest.'
+
+"'The Jew took me for a thief, and woke up, or Donna Leonora would be
+here now. But her duenna has promised to bring her hither soon and we
+must have patience.'
+
+"'Then take a seat, Don Bobadil, and I will relate the manner in which
+I became possessed of Lisette, for I know you are dying to hear it,
+though your pride hides your curiosity. While we were at Salamanca, I
+became acquainted with a poor orphan girl, who won my heart by her
+beauty and virtuous conduct. Other students saw and admired her; but
+their admiration was not such as honor sanctioned, and the girl left
+the place, preferring a strange place with quiet, to a home in which
+she was constantly subject to insult and annoyance. At the time I knew
+not the reasons for her sudden departure, and it filled me with sorrow.
+I hid my feelings from you, however, fearing that your disposition for
+mirth might lead you to make a butt of me. I came hither with you, and
+beheld many fair ladies, but to none did my heart incline, and the fair
+orphan of Salamanca remained mistress of my thoughts. About a week
+after our arrival in Madrid, you went to a ball one evening, leaving me
+to comfort Dame Margy until you came back. Not much liking such
+company, I strolled forth to the grand plazza and entered a theatre
+with the crowd. Numerous familiar faces appeared in various parts of
+the building, and while I went about to greet my friends, the play was
+commenced. I believe I should not have looked upon the stage at all, so
+busily was I engaged, had not the tones of a voice made me start back
+in amazement, and look wildly toward the performers. Near the centre of
+the stage, clad in the costume of her _role_, and bowing in a flowery
+train, was a form and face that sent the blood hurtling through my
+veins like molten lead. After standing like one petrified for some
+moments, I suddenly quitted the boxes, and gained admittance behind the
+scenes. I had not been mistaken; the orphan of Salamanca and the
+actress of Madrid were one. I need not tell an ardent lover like
+yourself the effect of such a meeting; it is sufficient to say, that
+Lisette bade farewell to the stage, whither necessity had forced her,
+and took from thence a liberal compensation. Such is the history of my
+amour, Don Bobadil; and, as we each have caskets at hand, I propose
+that we become acquainted with their contents.'
+
+"'Donna Leonora owns the one I brought hither, and it may displease her
+should I open it,' answered our hero.
+
+"'Not at all, my friend; she is to be your wife before morning, and
+what belongs to your wife belongs equally to you.'
+
+"'Oh! very well,' responded Bobadil.
+
+"'I will display the riches of Lisette first to encourage you, and you
+may follow with the dowry of Senora Leonora,' said Don Philip, taking
+off the lid of the second chest.
+
+"Our hero looked on in surprise, as his friend displayed its contents,
+and his pride made him tremble, lest his own portion should prove less
+costly. There were gorgeous robes, satin slippers, magnificent
+ornaments of gold, sparkling brilliants, bracelets, necklaces, and
+brooches, set with rubies, emeralds, and diamonds, a tiara sparkling
+like a constellation of midnight stars, and an immense leather bag
+filled with valuable coins.
+
+"'Why, Don Philip, you have all the riches of Indus here!' exclaimed
+Don Bobadil, opening wide his eyes in astonishment.
+
+"'So much for your discrimination, Bobadil,' returned Philip. 'These
+robes belong to an actress' wardrobe, and are more gaudy than valuable.
+These rubies, emeralds, and diamonds are pieces of colored and crystal
+glass, intended to dazzle unsophisticated eyes, but nearly worthless to
+the jeweler; the gold setting is worth its weight in brass, and these
+coins alone are genuine. But let us now look upon your dowry, my
+friend, when, I doubt not, that we shall be made to wink by the glitter
+of pure gems and true metal.'
+
+"As Don Bobadil listened to the explanations of his friend, his eyes
+glistened, and at the conclusion he walked proudly towards his chest,
+with a feeling of conscious superiority.
+
+"'I will not boast,' he said, haughtily; 'but Jews are not overfond of
+tinsel, and my mistress's robes have not a value peculiar to the
+dimly-lighted stage,' so saying, he threw back the cover of his
+treasure casket.
+
+"A shade of disappointment rested upon his features at the first view,
+but he disdained to give it utterance, and carelessly threw aside a
+robe of cheap material, trimmed with imitation ermine. But, alas, the
+next was a garment of scarlet, with bells attached to the skirt; then
+one of green, with faded tinsel ornaments; another of white flannel,
+with tarnished silver lace stars about the waist.
+
+"During this exhibition, Lisette was apparently endeavoring to swallow
+her handkerchief, while Don Philip looked anxiously toward the ceiling,
+as though its intricate pattern had suddenly become an object of
+absorbing interest.
+
+"Sternly did Don Bobadil delve into his mine of female apparel,
+expecting soon to strike a vein of monstrous diamonds with a mosaic of
+gold. He reaches it at last! Yes, there it is! Mark his glance of pride
+and exultation as he says:
+
+"'Don Philip, will you assist me? The Jew's ducats are very heavy, and
+the bag containing them rather larger than a Senora's night-cap.'
+
+"Don Philip did as he was desired, when suddenly our hero dropped his
+end of the bag, with a cry more piercing than that of an enraged hyena.
+Oh shades of _Mater Money!_ _Por vida del diablo!_ The bag _moved_,
+there came a cry, and there appeared in the opening of its leather
+covering _the head of a baby_!
+
+"'Oh, Holy Virgin! Thunder and lightning! Fire! Murder! I'm lost,
+tormented, tortured, cheated! Cruel Leonora! Infamous woman! d--d old
+duenna!' roared the unhappy Bobadil, stamping and steaming like an
+infuriated tea-pot.
+
+"'Be calm, my dear friend, I pray you be calm,' cried Don Philip,
+vainly endeavoring to conquer his mirth, while Lisette rolled on the
+floor in a paroxysm of laughter.
+
+"'Don't tell me to be calm!' bellowed Bobadil. 'Look there! My horror,
+detestation, abhorrence--_a baby!_ Hear it squeal! I'll strangle the
+cursed little fiend! Oh, oh, oh!--diablo!'
+
+"'You will arouse the neighborhood.'
+
+"'What do I care! I'm betrayed, swindled, ruined, seduced! Stab me,
+shoot me, make a bloody corpse of me. Kill that baby, or I'll make your
+wife an orphan!'
+
+"'What's all this?' asked Dame Margy, darting into the apartment and
+holding up her hands in wild astonishment.
+
+"'Don't you hear it yell?' howled Bobadil, tearing out his hair by
+handfulls. 'It's a baby!'
+
+"Dame Margy came very near fainting, and Lisette was obliged to go to
+her assistance, while Don Philip approached his enraged friend and
+succeeded in soothing him.
+
+"'Act like a man,' he said, 'and take measures to punish the
+perpetrator of the infamous outrage. The baby is a poor innocent little
+thing, and Lisette will attend to it. Lisette, look after the baby!
+Now, Don Bobadil, repress your emotions.'
+
+"The retired actress obeyed her intended husband with alacrity,
+assisted by Dame Margy, who was fully revived, and our hero burst into
+tears.
+
+"'Oh, Philip!' he blubbered, 'miserable wretch, that I am, what shall I
+do? That infamous woman will be here in a moment, and I know not how to
+act. Oh! curse that baby!'
+
+"'Woman's wit shall aid you,' said the hitherto silent Lisette, after
+whispering to Dame Margy, who immediately left the apartment. 'Don
+Bobadil, you must assume the attire of your housekeeper, and leave
+Philip and me to account for your supposed absence, when Donna Leonora
+arrives.'
+
+"As she finished speaking, the old housekeeper returned with a
+promiscuous assortment of female garments, and before our hero had time
+to resist, he presented the appearance of a stout old lady.
+
+'Don't speak a word,' said Don Philip, placing an immense bonnet and
+veil upon his head, 'you must pass for Dame Margy, and leave me to
+settle with your cruel mistress.'
+
+"Though not quite satisfied with this arrangement, Don Bobadil accepted
+in silence, especially as the sound of approaching footsteps fell upon
+his ear, as they tumbled him to a distant seat.
+
+"Dame Margy fled through an opposite door just as two figures, deeply
+veiled, entered the apartment.
+
+"'Holy Virgin! who has rifled my chest? And where is Don Bobadil?'
+exclaimed Leonora, clasping her hands.
+
+"'Lady,' said Don Philip, advancing to meet her with much dignity, 'as
+the friend of Don Bobadil Banco, it is my duty to inform you that he
+has discovered ALL, and left Madrid forever.'
+
+"'All!' exclaimed the lady and duenna in a breath.
+
+"'Yes, senora, my friend hates babies!'
+
+"Like two agitated fawns, Leonora and her attendant dropped their veils
+and sprang to the side of the chest.
+
+"'Why!--what--who has done this?' exclaimed the fair Jewess, quivering
+like an aspen leaf.
+
+"'You, lady, can best answer that question.'
+
+"'It is false! My whole fortune was in that chest! I am cheated,
+deceived, ruined!'
+
+"'Peace! infamous woman!' thundered Don Bobadil, no longer able to
+restrain his rage, and darting toward her. But he stepped upon his
+skirts, and pitched headlong to the floor.
+
+"'Do I dream?' murmured Leonora in affright.
+
+"'You do not,' screamed our hero, tucking his petticoats under his
+arms, and tearing off the veil that concealed his face. 'Behold! false
+one! behold! Don Bobadil Banco!'
+
+"'Dear Bobadil, you would not kill me?'
+
+"'No, Leonora, you shall live to repent of this. Take that wretched
+baby to its father, or I will strangle it before your eyes.'
+
+"'By the God we all worship, I swear I never saw the child before!'
+exclaimed Leonora, looking solemnly upward.
+
+"Her air of truthfulness carried conviction with it, and Bobadil stood
+like one thunderstruck; but soon a new expression fell upon his
+countenance, and he turned gravely to the duenna.
+
+"'Perhaps _you_ own the--the baby!'
+
+"'You're a nasty dirty beast!' retorted the chaste creature, rushing
+from the room like a ricochetting shot.
+
+"'I can answer for the innocence of Laura,' said Leonora, calmly.
+
+"Rebuked by her dignified manner, our hero mentally exonerated her from
+all blame; yet there was the baby, screaming lustily, and no other
+valuables were found in the chest.
+
+"'Forgive me, if I have wronged you,' he said, penitently, 'I judged
+too quickly; but then I took those gaudy robes from yonder chest,
+and--_who owns the baby?_'
+
+"'I see how it is,' said Donna Leonora composedly, turning toward the
+door, 'you have adopted this plan to rob me of the little fortune I
+possessed. I would willingly incur a much greater loss to escape from
+such a monster. Keep my gold, Don Bobadil, and say you become a better
+man.'
+
+"Our hero stood motionless, involved in a maze of doubts and fears; and
+the lady was about departing, when Lisette suddenly sprang forward, and
+prevented her.
+
+"'Stop, lady!' she exclaimed, 'the trick has gone far enough--_I own
+the baby!_'
+
+"'Lisette speaks truly, and _I am the baby's father!_' said Don Philip,
+grasping the hand of our perplexed hero.
+
+"'Villain!' exclaimed Bobadil, feeling for his sword.
+
+"'Wretch!' screamed Leonora, feeling for her handkerchief.
+
+"'I humbly crave your mercy, until you have heard my story,' replied
+Don Philip, coolly placing his arm about the waist of his Lisette.
+'This lady,' he continued, 'is my _wife_, and has been such for two
+years. I have kept my secret thus rigidly, that it should not reach the
+ears of my family until I had arrived at man's estate; but when you
+determined to take a wife I resolved to make you my confidant. While
+you were at the house of Miguel to-night, I brought my wife and _baby_
+hither, wishing to surprise you at your return. I found your chest
+filled with the riches I afterwards showed you as the property of an
+actress, and prompted by a spirit of mirth, I exchanged its contents
+for those of our own. Knowing your hostility to babies, I placed the
+young _Bobadil_ in your casket also, and had you taken notice of small
+things, you would have observed that I left the lid partly open. It's
+only a reminiscence of college trickery, my dear Bobadil, and if it has
+given offence, behold the culprit at your feet.'
+
+"The friendly smile of his friend and the imploring glance of Lisette,
+completely overcame our hero's resentment, and he extended his hand in
+all gentleness; then turning quickly to the silent, though smiling
+Leonora, he fell at her feet, exclaiming:
+
+"'Dear lady, we are both victims of our friend's frolic, and there
+should be no anger between us. I do dislike babies so much, that the
+sight of one makes me desperate; but now that all is explained, I hope
+you will forgive me.'
+
+"The lady smiled so encouragingly upon him, that he soon stood face to
+face--I mean lips to lips--with her.
+
+"'Let us seek a priest,' said Don Philip, with solemnity.
+
+"How this proposition was received, may be assumed from the fact that
+Dame Margy soon locked up an empty house. How Miguel the Jew conducted
+when he awoke next morning; how the families of our friends received
+the news of their scions' marriages, and how the young gentlemen felt
+themselves, are matters not explained by history; but it is certain
+that Don Bobadil and Don Philip were never again in want of ducats, and
+it is also certain that if any one wished to see an angry man, he could
+be gratified by eyeing the youngest Banco in a suspicious manner, and
+asking in mysterious tones--'_Who owns the Baby?_'"
+
+At the conclusion of this exemplary Spanish tale, my boy, we
+"adjourned" our slumbers to Willard's.
+
+                                               Yours, drowsily,
+                                                        ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LXIX.
+
+  ILLUSTRATING THE IMPERTURBABLE CALMNESS OF THE NATIONAL CAPITOL,
+      AND NOTING THE MEMORABLE INVASION OF ACCOMAC.
+
+
+                                WASHINGTON, D. C., September 12th, 1862.
+
+As I sit looking out of my window, my boy, on the street below, and
+notice how tranquilly all things are going on here, despite the
+excitement of the time, a deep sense of satisfaction steals over me,
+and the American Eagle of patriotic pride flaps his breezy pinions on
+the oak tree of my heart. Though I have just been laughing myself
+almost sick at the ludicrous manner in which my friend, the
+Confederacy, has walked right straight into the cunning trap prepared
+for his destruction by our own noble and profound generals, actually
+hastening his own annihilation by rushing blindly through our lines,
+and capturing the twenty or thirty artful villages, towns, and
+garrisons left there for the express purpose of tempting him to his
+dreadful doom--though I have just been splitting my sides over this
+roaring case of ridiculous suicide, my boy, the city of Washington
+still maintains its calmness! Ever conscious that conquer we must, for
+our cause it is just, this city remains as placid as a summer dream;
+nearly all the liquor-shops doing a good business through the day, and
+the evening finding a majority of our army officers at their posts.
+
+Lamp-posts, my boy.
+
+There is something touchingly grand in the calmness of Washington under
+such circumstances, and it reminds me of a pleasing little incident in
+the Sixth Ward.
+
+There was a female millinery establishment on the third floor of a
+building composed principally of stairs, fed with frequent small rooms,
+and the expatriated French comtesse, who realized fashionable bonnets
+there, used one of her windows to display her wares. At this window, my
+boy, she always kept a young woman of much bloom and symmetry, with the
+latest Style on her head, and an expression of unutterable smile on her
+face. A young chap carrying a trumpet in the Fire Department happened
+to notice that this angel of fashion was always at the window when he
+went by; and as the thought that she particularly admired his personal
+charms crept over him, he at once adopted the plan of passing by every
+day, attired in the garments best calculated to render fire-going
+manhood most beautiful to the eye. He donned a vest representing in
+detail the Sydenham flower-show on a yellow ground, wore inexpressibles
+representing innumerable black serpents ascending white columns,
+assumed a neck-tie concentrating all the highest glories of the Aurora
+Borealis, mounted two breast-pins and three studs torn from some
+glass-house, and wore a hat that slanted on his head in an engaging and
+intelligent manner. Day after day he passed before the millinery
+establishment, my boy, still beholding the beloved object at the
+window, and occasionally placing his hand upon his heart in such a way
+as to show a large and gorgeous seal-ring containing the hair of a
+fellow-fireman who had caught such a cold at a great fire that he died
+some years after. "How cam she is!" says he to himself, "and she's as
+pretty as ninety's new hose-carriage. It seems to me," says the young
+chap to himself, stooping down to roll up the other leg of his
+pants--"it seems to me that I never see anything so cam. She observes
+my daily agoing and yet she don't so much as send somebody down to see
+if there's any overcoats in the front entry."
+
+One day, my boy, a venerable Irish gentleman, keeping a boarding-house
+and ice-cream saloon in the basement of the establishment, happened to
+go to sleep on the stairs with a lighted camphene lamp in his hand, and
+pretty soon the bells were ringing for a conflagration in that
+district. Immediately our gallant firemen were on their way to the
+spot; and having first gone through forty-two streets on the other side
+of the city to wake the people up there and apprise them of their great
+danger, reached the dreadful scene, and instantly began to extinguish
+the flames by bringing all the furniture out of a house not more than
+three blocks below. In the midst of these self-sacrificing efforts, a
+form was seen to dart into the burning building like a spectre. It was
+the enamored young chap who carried a trumpet in the department. He had
+seen the beloved object sitting at the window, as usual, and was bent
+upon saving her, even though he missed the exciting fight around the
+corner. Reaching the millinery-room door, he could see the object
+standing there in the midst of a sea of fire. "How cam she is," says
+he. "Miss Milliner," says he, "don't you see you're all in a blaze?"
+But still she stood at the window in all her calmness. The devoted
+young chap turned to a fellow-fireman who was just then selecting two
+spring bonnets and some ribbon for his wife, in order to save them from
+the flames, and says he: "Jakey, what shall I do?" But Jakey was at
+that time picking out some artificial flowers for his youngest
+daughter, my boy, and made no answer. Unable to reach the devoted maid,
+and rendered desperate by the thought that she must be asleep in the
+midst of her danger, the frantic young chap madly hurled his trumpet at
+her. It struck her, and actually _knocked her head off_! Horrified at
+what he had done, the excited chap called himself a miserable wretch,
+and was led out by the collar. It was Jakey who did this deed of
+kindness, and says he: "What's the matter with you, my covey?" The poor
+young chap wrung his hands, and says he: "I've killed her, Jakey, I've
+killed her--and she so cam." Jakey took some tobacco, and then says he:
+"Why, that was only a pasteboard gal, you poor devil." And so it was,
+my boy--so it was; but the affair had such an effect upon the young
+chap that he at once took to drinking, and when delirium tremens marked
+him for its own, his last words were: "I've killed her, Jakey, I've
+killed her--and she so cam."
+
+Washington, my boy, is "cam" in the midst of a conflagration. That is
+to say, the Government is "cam," they say; and it may be doubted
+whether it would be otherwise, even with its head knocked off.
+
+The other day, I paid another visit to the Mackerel camp across the
+river, and was present at a meeting of officers called to debate upon
+the propriety of presenting a sword to the beloved general, for his
+heroism in the late great battle. Captain Samyule Sa-mith was in favor
+of the presentation, and says he: "Our inimitable leader, which is the
+admiration of everybody, richly deserves the blade in question. In the
+thickest of that deadly fray, his coat-tails were torn entirely off by
+a parrot shell."
+
+Captain Villiam Brown placed the bottle on the table again, and says he:
+
+"At which joint were the tails amputated, Samyule?"
+
+Samyule took a little more sugar with his, and says he:
+
+"Close to the buttons."
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, "which way was the conqueror's face turned at the
+time?"
+
+"I can't say," says Samyule; "but I don't see what that has to do with
+it."
+
+"That's because you have a feeble intelleck, Samyule," says Villiam,
+mildly. "The human form," says Villiam, reasoningly, "has such
+variations of surface, that a projectile hurled at it in a straight
+line, cannot simply graze it to any extent without making a wound in
+some place. The coat-tails of the human form," says Villiam, lucidly,
+"could not without injury to that form be severed at the buttons by a
+ball, unless they were _sticking straight out_ at the instant; and it
+is important that the United States of America should know whether the
+face of the wearer was turned toward the Southern Confederacy, or in an
+opposite direction, at the exact moment of the disaster."
+
+The electrifying wisdom of this thoughtful speech, my boy, had the
+effect to produce an immediate adjournment of the general's friends;
+for when the test of anatomy is applied to a man's bravery, that
+bravery becomes a mere matter of form.
+
+The general, my boy, is the idol of his Mackerel children, and as our
+armies slowly advance to deal the death-blow to this impious rebellion,
+it will be proved that he was not responsible for a single one of the
+mistakes he has made, and could have taken Richmond long ago, but for
+his inability to do so. Heaven forgive these Jacobin black-republicans
+who object to his being President in 1865! This is the prayer of twenty
+millions of free white men under the Constitution, as was very justly
+observed to me by a political chap from New Haven last week. On
+Tuesday, the Mackerel Brigade was on the outskirts of Accomac--Company
+3, Regiment 1, being sent ahead, under Colonel Wobert Wobinson, to
+watch the movements of some regiments of Confederacies, who were
+believed to be either there or in South Carolina. The advance-guard
+stayed there two days, my boy, and then an orderly came riding in to
+the general, with the request that he would immediately send
+re-enforcements and provisions, as Company 3, Regiment 1, was in danger
+of starvation and defeat, at short notice.
+
+The general ceased fanning himself for a moment, and says he to the
+perspiring orderly:
+
+"I have heard your request, my child; but before I comply with it, I
+wish to know what is the present political complexion of Colonel
+Wobinson."
+
+The half-starved orderly clasped his thin hands together, and says he:
+
+"I don't know; but for God's sake, general, send us something to eat,
+and some help, or not one of us can be saved."
+
+The general waved his hand magisterially, and says he:
+
+"That's very true. But I must first know what are the sentiments of
+Colonel Wobinson on the negro question."
+
+The orderly might have responded, my boy, had he not fainted just then
+from weakness. In pity for his comrades, orders were at once given for
+the transportation of provisions, and re-enforcements to Company 3
+before the end of the month; and had the before mentioned Confederacies
+delayed marching into Accomac until that time, I should not be obliged
+now to chronicle another of those disasters to our arms, which the
+traitorous harangues of Wendell Philips have so outrageously produced.
+
+If this war is to be prosecuted with vigor, my boy, we must repose
+unlimited confidence in the ability of the Administration and of our
+generals, resolutely frowning down all Jacobin demonstrations at home,
+and suffering our leaders to be interfered with by no one but each
+other. If we permit civilians to manage matters, the country will be
+undone; but if, on the contrary, we trust everything to our generals,
+the country will be "done"--brown.
+
+Luckily for us all, the occupation of Accomac by the celebrated
+Southern Confederacy, is a part of the great plan of the General of the
+Mackerel Brigade to end this rebellion in one crushing blow, and as
+soon as the entire Confederacy shall have entered Accomac in safety,
+the Mackerel Brigade will proceed to bag it.
+
+You don't see exactly how this is to be done, eh?
+
+There you go again, my boy! always meddling with what you don't
+understand, and presuming, in your civilian imbecility, to doubt the
+practicability--not to say the utility--of a covert invincibility,
+rendering it a futility on the part of Southern agility to take for
+weak debility what is really strategic facility, and bound, in its
+great fertility of warlike inventibility and utter reliability, to turn
+all the foe's agility to a final accountability, that shall cause him,
+in future humility, to treat us, at least, with civility.
+
+Such, my boy, is the Mackerel plan, to a T.
+
+This strategy's like some plan for grain depending so much on a fall of
+rain, that, in less than a week, should the drought remain, 'twould
+ruin it altogether. It pondereth blindly whether or no the opposite
+hosts will do so-and-so: and how it will end at last, you know,
+dependeth upon the "whether".
+
+                                               Yours, calmly,
+                                                       ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                               LETTER LXX.
+
+  COMMENCING WITH HISTORICAL REFERENCE; RELATING THE EPISODE OF
+      SPURIOSO GRIMALDI, AND DETAILING THE LAMENTABLE FAILURE OF
+      CAPTAIN SAMYULE SA-MITH TO PERISH HEROICALLY.
+
+
+                                  WASHINGTON, D. C., September 20, 1862.
+
+I am in a star-spangled state of mind, my boy, in consequence of our
+recent great victories, and would most respectfully request the
+Governors of all the States to push forward re enforcements
+immediately. Having rashly ventured into Accomac after forage and the
+pursuit of happiness, the well-known Southern Confederacy is now
+hemmed-in with much carnage, and finds itself hem'd and haw'd. The
+South, the South, we love her still, no love than ours profounder; and,
+having cornered her at last, we've thrown our arms around her.
+
+Let us rejoice together, my boy, over the victory that has brought new
+lustre to our flag, and proceed to extract from history a few parallels
+calculated to indicate that the United States of America are somewhat
+superior to the ancients in the art of war.
+
+At the battle of Thermopylæ the heroic Greeks engaged in the conflict
+with their foes to the number of some thousands, and as their foes also
+prosecuted hostilities simultaneously, the result was a struggle
+terminating in the discomfiture of the defeated party. _Omnium vincit
+omnia._ At the siege of Troy, the Trojans became involved in active
+warfare with the Greeks, the latter being the adversaries of their
+opponents, and though either side used their weapons against the other
+side, victory finally perched upon the banners of the conqueror, and
+produced the general effect of _sic transit gloria mundi_. The Troy
+_Tribune_ suppressed all mention of McClellan in its account of this
+spirited affair. The dreadful struggle of Argentium was commenced by
+the attack of one host upon its antagonists, and raged bitterly, until
+a cessation of hostilities found the victors holding an advantage over
+the defeated. Burnside's division was not engaged. In the awful affair
+of Roncesvalles, the myrmidons of Charlemagne and the hirelings of
+Spain committed a breach of the peace by prosecuting a mutual affray,
+resulting in the overthrow of the legions which were principally
+overcome, and an advantage for the brigades chiefly entitled to the
+victory. _Nihil est nullus._
+
+It will be perceived, my boy, that the army of the Potomac was engaged
+in none of those celebrated contests, as they did not all take place in
+the same week. We make much better time, my boy, than the ancients.
+
+I told you in my last, that the celebrated Southern Confederacy had
+courted inevitable destruction by marching madly into Accomac at the
+very moment when the victorious Mackerel Brigade was marching out--and
+before I proceed further with the tale of invasion, I must pause to
+relate the strange episode of Spurioso Grimaldi.
+
+Spurioso Grimaldi, my boy, superintended the emigration from Italy to
+this country of a hand-organ that was banished for playing
+revolutionary tunes some time ago, and on arriving upon our shores
+proceeded immediately to don a red shirt, and plan revolutions for the
+coming fall and winter seasons. Upon the breaking out of the war he
+enlisted three volunteers under his banner from the chorus of the
+Academy of Music; but it was not until the recent occupation of Accomac
+that he attempted to put his first revolutionary scheme into operation.
+Then, indeed, he armed his three divisions with three George Law
+muskets, and having gained the borders of suffering Accomac, he issued
+the following:
+
+                             PROCLAMATION.
+
+Accomackians! How are you to day? This is, indeed, a pleasant morning,
+and the crops look well. Accomackians, arise! For years you have been
+the terror of all strangers stopping at your hotels. The accommodations
+you offer, taken into consideration with the prices you charge, are
+sufficient to appal the world! Arise! Remember Waterloo, and Wagram,
+and Bull Run, and other battles in which you took no active part. Now!
+Right away! Hey?
+
+                                                            GRIMALDI.
+
+As the Union element still lives in Accomac, my boy, and wishes nothing
+done to disturb the neighborhood, he could not but deem Mr. Grimaldi's
+movement ill advised, and issued the following responsive
+
+                              PROCLAMATION.
+
+S. Grimaldi, at the head of an army of three equipped and disciplined
+troops, calls the Accomackians to arms. This is scarcely the time for
+such a call, and the army of liberation is scarcely adequate to the
+enterprise proposed. Some disaster might occur should an army of three
+equipped and disciplined troops attack a force of twenty thousand,
+under Stonewall Jackson, at this present crisis. Therefore, let Accomac
+rest in peace, and continue to keep a hotel.
+
+                                                        UNION L. LAMENT.
+
+These proceedings caused great excitement down at Paris and London, my
+boy, and the excellent and independent journals of those places
+proceeded at once to publish several yards of profound editorial on the
+probable convulsion of the earth's surface, in consequence of S.
+Grimaldi's revolutionary proceedings.
+
+"The entire habitable universe," said the Paris _Pitcher_, "appears on
+the verge of terrible upheavings, and the army of S. Grimaldi seems
+destined to work an entire change in the economy of the creation, and
+oblige the North and South Poles to change places permanently."
+
+Not to be outdone, the London _Tumbler_ issued an extra, composed
+entirely of auction advertisements and an excited editorial: "The black
+cloud so long brooding over the shrinking countenance of upturned
+nature seems at length prepared to vomit its horrid flames over the
+entire surface of animated humanity. S. Grimaldi, who is now marching
+on Accomac, is not unlikely to prove the instrument of this
+earth-rending explosion. The unholy American rebellion dwindles to
+insignificant nothingness in comparison with this terrible affair."
+
+So Grimaldi marshaled his three divisions, my boy, and having marched
+upon Accomac, was promptly arrested by the police and incarcerated to
+await an examination. So much for the episode of Spurioso Grimaldi.
+
+Turning from events which have a deeper interest for Europe than for
+our own victorious but distracted country, let me cheer and improve
+your mind, my boy, with some account of the recent glorious victories
+around Accomac, wherein the fearless and unwounded Mackerel Brigade
+acquired another coat of glory, making the third this season.
+
+It was Tuesday morn, when Captain Samyule Sa-mith of the advance guard,
+having satisfied himself that the Brigade was about to achieve its
+crowning victory, concluded that the time for expiring after the manner
+of General Wolfe at Quebec had arrived at last. The battle had already
+commenced, my boy, and a squad of evil-minded Confederacies were in
+full retreat after the Mackerel pickets, when Samyule hastily fell upon
+his back, and beckoned for the artist of Frank Leslie's Illustrated
+paper, motioned for the nearest reporter to take out his note-book,
+drew a lock of red hair from his bosom and kissed it, waved his left
+hand feebly toward his country's standard, and, says he: "_Téte
+d'Armée!_ I die for the old fla--"
+
+"Stop!" shrieked a Mackerel, dashing frantically to his side at this
+instant. "The Anatomical Cavalry, which is ordered to charge the foe,
+wishes to know if it shall take its horses along."
+
+Up sprang Samyule, and says he:
+
+"Tell the horsemen to take everything but their trunks with them, and
+not to stay more than a week. I really believe," says Samyule in a
+great passion--"I really believe the artillery will be wanting to know
+next if they'd better load before firing."
+
+Just at this time, my boy, the Conic Section of the Mackerel Brigade,
+under Captain Villiam Brown, came charging toward the spot with fixed
+bayonets, their gallant leader waving his sword, Escalibar, over his
+head, and calling on his troops to lead on to victory. Forward they
+went like mad, rushing past us in swift fury, and composing the
+heaviest visitation of red noses ever yet launched upon a foe. To be
+sure, no foe was visible in the immediate line of their charge; but as
+they happened to be going down a pretty steep hill at the time, it was
+quite possible that they might meet some adversaries before they could
+stop themselves.
+
+Fired by the sight, Captain Samyule Sa-mith flew to take command of a
+company of Mackerels, who were busily firing their muskets at some
+Confederacies not more than two miles distant; and having placed
+himself at the head thereof, was about to proceed in pursuit of warlike
+adventures, when he caught sight of a body of men, followed by another
+body of men, moving along in the valley below him.
+
+"Hem!" says Samyule, ponderingly, "what is this sight mine eyes behold?"
+
+"Oh," says a sergeant beside him, "that's the No. 3 army of the
+Confederacy, escorting some prisoners which they have just taken at
+Harper's Ferry."
+
+Samyule regarded the spectacle attentively for a moment, and says he:
+"Well, there's only one thing more I want to know about it. I want to
+know," says Samyule thoughtfully, "which of them two bodies of infantry
+is the army, and which is the prisoners?"
+
+Was there the tiniest, wee-ist, smallest fragment of sarcasm in his
+speech? Find out for yourself, my boy--find out for yourself.
+
+It was shortly after this remark, and while the Orange County Howitzers
+were raining a tempest of shot and shell at everything but the enemy,
+that a small bit of shrapnell fell near Samyule's feet, and again
+reminded him of his latter end. Noting that he was observed by those
+around him, my boy, and that the surroundings of the scene were
+picturesque, he uttered a hollow groan and fell prone to the earth.
+Then picking up the bit of shrapnell, and laying it upon his heart, he
+kicked once, and says he:
+
+"Is it almost morning, mother? Hurra for the old fla--"
+
+"Forward with Company 2, immediately," thundered a messenger who at
+this moment came tearing to the spot. "The Confederacy has flanked the
+Conic Section, and is trying to escape."
+
+Preferring to defer death itself rather than see his beloved country
+outwitted by the rebels, Captain Samyule Sa-mith darted swiftly to his
+feet at the word, and instantaneously led Company 2 down the hill at
+double-quick. I followed him half-way, my boy, and then turned off into
+a cross road, where I found Captain Villiam Brown striving to get a
+portion of the devoted Conic Section into a straight line by ranging it
+against a fence. Villiam ceased his labors when he saw me approaching,
+and says he:
+
+"Here's conquering beings for you. Ah!" says Villiam, proudly, "I sent
+these invincible beings on a bayonet charge just now, and they have all
+come back without their muskets."
+
+"What did they do with them?" says I.
+
+"Left them sticking in the foe," says Villiam, exultingly.
+
+"Are you sure of that, my Alcibiades?" says I, skeptically.
+
+"Why," says Villiam, confidentially, "they didn't bring a single one
+back with them, and of course they must have left them sticking into
+the paralyzed Confederacies."
+
+If Villiam could draw a checque as easily as he can draw an inference,
+my boy, he might paper the outside of the universe with ten dollar
+bills and have enough fifties left to make a very deep border.
+
+Leaving the decimated _corps_ to reorganize, I hastened down the hill
+again, and arrived at the bottom only to find a group of reporters and
+Mackerels surrounding a manly prostrate form. Company 2 had just
+succeeded in routing some Confederacies from a melon-patch, and Captain
+Samyule Sa-mith was improving the opportunity to expire once more in an
+affecting manner.
+
+Lifting his feeble head when he saw me, and pulling a small flag a
+little further out of a side-pocket in his coat, the perishing warrior
+smiled half way down his chin, and says he:
+
+"I still live! All hail to the old fla--"
+
+"One moment, if you please!" shouted Colonel Wobert Wobinson, breaking
+through the group.--"Could you make it convenient to pay me that dollar
+you owe me, Samyule?"
+
+Samyule arose deliberately to his feet again, my boy, wearing upon his
+countenance the most awful expression I ever saw upon a human face.
+
+"Well," says Samyule, furiously, "I've tried to die for my country
+three times to-day, and never got further than the old fla--! There is
+such vulgarity in them which incessantly surrounds me," says Samyule,
+bitterly, "that they won't even let me die in peace."
+
+Here a Mackerel chap sniffed differentially, and says he: "But you was
+trying to die in war, capting."
+
+There was something so inhuman in the idea of a man making a joke on
+such a serious occasion, as that, my boy, that the entire party was
+struck dumb with horror; and one of the spectators retired
+precipitately behind a tree, where I immediately heard him laughing
+wildly with joy over the thought that it was not himself who had been
+guilty of such a hideous enormity.
+
+It would be useless for me to spend more time in showing how the battle
+raged to a victorious conclusion, leaving the Mackerel Brigade in
+triumphant possession of the ground it occupied at the outset, and the
+Confederacy rooted to the spot it held from the commencement.
+
+Scarcely had the strife been finished half an hour, when the popular
+General of the Mackerel Brigade arrived to direct all the movements in
+person, and to gain some knowledge of the victories he had just won.
+Accompanying him was the political chap from New Haven, who at once
+proceeded to congratulate the troops and address them on the subject of
+the next election.
+
+"My brothers in arms," says he, with fond familiarity, "having done our
+duty as patriots, let us proceed to ballot for President of the United
+States in 1865. Need I say that our victorious general is the man?"
+
+Truly, my boy, we shall have little difficulty in selecting a chief
+magistrate next term, when there is such a General longing for the
+nomination.
+
+                                           Yours, politically,
+                                                       ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LXXI.
+
+  SHOWING HOW THE PRESIDENT AND THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE
+      ISSUED GREAT EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATIONS, AND HOW THE CHAPLAIN
+      WROTE A RADICAL POEM.
+
+
+                               WASHINGTON, D. C., September 27th, 1862.
+
+"John Brown's body," which has been "marching on" for some time past,
+my boy, being thus considerably in advance of our strictly
+Constitutional Army, has at length made a great strategic movement, and
+evoked the following promissory note from our Honest Old Abe:
+
+                                   COLORLESS DOMICIL, Sept. 22d, 1862.
+
+"Ninety days after date I promise to pay the Southern Confederacy, or
+order, the full amount of its deserts.
+
+    "$ _Emancipation._                              H. O. ABE."
+
+The morning after this little settlement was made, my boy, I met the
+conservative Kentucky chap on Pennsylvania avenue, and was greatly
+edified by his high-minded remarks on the subject. "Having recently
+disposed of any attached contrabands to good advantage," says he,
+sagely, "I am now deeply convinced that my brother-in-law, the Southern
+Confederacy, has brought this dispensation upon himself. I have said
+all along that it would be so at last," says the genial Kentucky chap,
+casting another glance at the score of a recent game of Euchre which he
+held in his hand. "I have said all along that it would be so at last,
+and I am still disposed to sustain the Administration and crush the
+Black Republicans."
+
+When I remembered the sentiments held by this accommodating chap only
+about a week ago, my boy, I could not but feel that he had made a
+remarkably sudden revolution on the axes he had to grind; and as there
+was a pleasing spice of human audacity in his easy way of suiting his
+style to the political demands of the moment, I was strongly reminded
+of a chap I once knew in the Sixth Ward.
+
+He was a young chap of gorgeous vest-pattern, and one Sunday afternoon
+he went out riding with another sprightly young chap, who was
+accompanied by his plighted pink bonnet. They were riding joyously
+along in their hired vehicle, my boy, pleasantly discussing the merits
+of Eighty's new foreman, and other subjects equally well calculated to
+entertain and improve the fond female mind, when, as they turned a
+sharp corner, there loomed up, at some distance ahead, a house bearing
+a sign reading:
+
+                               FEED STORE
+
+                         OATS FOR  SALE  HERE.
+
+No sooner did the spirited livery-horse observe this dangerous sign, my
+boy, than he dashed toward it in a manner worthy of my own gothic
+steed, the architectural Pegasus; and as there happened to be a few
+stones in the way, the two chaps and the pink bonnet were presently
+shot into the surrounding atmosphere without regard to the character of
+the day. While the excited quadruped went on with the two fore-wheels
+of the vehicle for the purpose of reading the sign nearer by, the chap
+of the gorgeous vest-pattern announced his safe arrival in a sand-bank
+by the appropriate and cheery cry of "Fire! fire! fire!" and the other
+chap and the pink bonnet warbled hasty thanksgivings in the bosom of a
+romantic ditch. How they finally caught the spirited livery horse, and
+induced him to come back to the city again by making a copy of the sign
+on a bit of paper, and placing it in his mouth, and how they ultimately
+reached home, you must imagine. But in about a week after, the
+unnatural livery-stable keeper brought suit against the smitten chap
+for the two hind-wheels of his wagon; and when the young chap of
+gorgeous vest-pattern was put upon the stand to prove that the
+catastrophe was not the driver's fault, he winked agreeably at the
+people, and says he: "My friend and assoshate exerted hisself visibly
+to subdue the fiery old oat-mill. As it was, his brains was nearly
+dashed out, his neck-tie was sprained, and he _found his watch wound
+up_."
+
+Here the livery lawyer thought he had the friendly chap in a tight
+place, and says he:
+
+"You say that by being thrown from the wagon so violently, the
+defendant's watch was wound up. Perhaps you will inform the court how
+such a strange phenomenon _could_ occur?"
+
+The young chap merely paused long enough to make another desperate
+attempt to reconcile the bottom-edge of his waistcoat to the top-edge
+of his inexpressibles, and says he, with a fine smile:
+
+"Why, it was easy enough for his watch to be wound up by it, my covey;
+because _he turned three times in the air before he lit_."
+
+Accommodating conservative chaps, my boy, though momentarily thrown out
+of their reckoning, by reason of sudden proceedings caused by the
+latest signs of the times, have a happy aptitude for turning-about as
+often as may seem necessary, before alighting on a fixed principle.
+
+The Mackerel chaplain, who came up from Harper's Ferry on Monday
+afternoon, was delighted with H. O. Abe's promissory note, and
+considers that old John Brown is at last
+
+                AVENGED.
+
+  GOD'S scales of Justice hang between
+  The deed Unjust and the end Unseen,
+  And the sparrow's fall in the one is weighed
+  By the Lord's own Hand in the other laid.
+
+  In the prairie path to our Sun-set gate,
+  In the flow'ring heart of a new-born State,
+  Are the hopes of an old man's waning years,
+  'Neath headstones worn by an old man's tears.
+
+  When the bright sun sinks in the rose-lipped West,
+  His last red ray is the headstone's crest;
+  And the mounds he laves in a crimson flood
+  Are a Soldier's wealth baptized in blood!
+
+  Do ye ask who reared those headstones there,
+  And crowned with thorns a sire's gray hair?
+  And by whom the Land's great debt was paid
+  To the Soldier old, in the graves they made?
+
+  Shrink, Pity! shrink, at the question dire;
+  And, Honor, burn in a blush of fire!
+  Turn, Angel, turn from the page thine eyes,
+  Or the Sin, once written, never dies!
+
+  They were men of the Land he had fought to save
+  From a foreign foe that had crossed the wave,
+  When his sun-lit youth was a martial song,
+  And shook a throne as it swelled along.
+
+  They were sons of the clime whose soft, warm breath
+  Is the soul of earth, and a life in death;
+  Where the Summer dreams on the couch of Spring,
+  And the songs of birds through the whole year ring;
+
+  Where the falling leaf is the cup that grew
+  To catch the gems of the new leaf's dew,
+  And the winds that through the vine-leaves creep
+  Are the sighs of Time in a pleasant sleep.
+
+  But there lurked a taint in the clime so blest,
+  Like a serpent coiled in a ring-dove's nest,
+  And the human sounds to the ear it gave
+  Were the clank of chains on a low-browed Slave!
+
+  The Soldier old at his sentry-post,
+  Where the sun's last trail of light is lost,
+  Beheld the shame of the Land he loved,
+  And the old, old love in his bosom moved.
+
+  He cried to the land, Beware! Beware
+  Of the symboled Curse in the Bondman there!
+  And a prophet's soul in fire came down
+  To live in the voice of old John Brown.
+
+  He cried; and the ingrate answer came
+  In words of steel from a tongue of flame;
+  They dyed his hearth in the blood of kin,
+  And his dear ones fell for the Nation's Sin!
+
+  O, matchless deed! that a fiend might scorn,
+  O, deed of shame! for a world to mourn;
+  A Soldier's pay in his blood most dear,
+  And a land to mock at a Father's tear!
+
+  Is't strange that the tranquil soul of age
+  Was turned to strife in a madman's rage?
+  Is't strange that the cry of blood did seem
+  Like the roll of drums in a martial dream?
+
+  Is't strange the clank of the Helot's chain
+  Should drive the Wrong to the old man's brain,
+  To fire his heart with a santon's zeal,
+  And mate his arm to the Soldier's steel?
+
+  The bane of Wrong to its depth had gone,
+  And the sword of Right from its sheath was drawn;
+  But the cabined Slave heard not his cry,
+  And the old man armed him but to die.
+
+  Ye may call him Mad, that he did not quail
+  When his stout blade broke on the unblest mail;
+  Ye may call him Mad, that he struck alone,
+  And made the land's dark Curse his own;
+
+  But the Eye of God looked down and saw
+  A just life lost by an unjust law;
+  And black was the day with God's own frown
+  When the Southern Cross was a martyr's Crown!
+
+  Apostate clime! the blood then shed,
+  Fell thick with vengeance on thy head,
+  To weigh it down 'neath the coming rod
+  When thy red right hand should be stretched to God.
+
+  Behold the price of the life ye took;
+  At the death ye gave 'twas a world that shook;
+  And the despot deed that one heart broke,
+  From their slavish sleep a Million woke!
+
+  Not all alone did the victim fall,
+  Whose wrongs first brought him to your thrall;
+  The old man played a Nation's part,
+  And ye struck your blow at a Nation's heart!
+
+  The freemen-host is at your door,
+  And a Voice goes forth with a stern "No More!"
+  To the deadly Curse, whose swift redeem
+  Was the visioned thought of John Brown's dream.
+
+  To the Country's Wrong, and the Country's stain,
+  It shall prove as the scythe to the yielding grain;
+  And the dauntless pow'r to spread it forth,
+  Is the free-born soul of the chainless North.
+
+  From the East, and West, and North they come,
+  To the bugle's call and the roll of drum;
+  And a form walks viewless by their side--
+  A form that was born when the Old Man died!
+
+  The Soldier old in his grave may rest,
+  Afar with his dead in the prairie West;
+  But a red ray falls on the headstone there,
+  Like a God's reply to a Soldier's pray'r.
+
+  He may sleep in peace 'neath the greenwood pall,
+  For the land's great heart hath heard his call;
+  And a people's Will and a people's Might,
+  Shall right the Wrong and proclaim the Right.
+
+  The foe may howl at the fiat just,
+  And gnash his fangs in the trodden dust;
+  But the battle leaves his bark a wreck,
+  And the Freeman's heel is on his neck.
+
+  Not all in vain is the lesson taught,
+  That a great soul's Dream is the world's New Thought;
+  And the Scaffold marked with a death sublime
+  Is the Throne ordained for the coming time.
+
+The chaplain runs as naturally to poetry, my boy, as a water-melon does
+to seed, and his muse is apt to be--alas! what a melancholy one!
+
+In my last epistle, I was somewhat hyperbolical when I meant to be
+metaphorical, as some of the older writers were allegorical when they
+meant to be categorical. I told you, my boy, that we had cornered the
+prudish Confederacy in Accomac, and "thrown our arms around her." Your
+natural ignorance will demand an explanation; and I deem it fit to say,
+that by the phrase "thrown our arms around her," I meant to say that
+certain Mackerel regiments, in furtherance of the profound strategy of
+the General of the Mackerel Brigade, had thrown their arms away, on
+every side of the entrapped Confederacy. It was believed that the
+Confederacy was perfectly safe for immediate capture, my boy; but upon
+the discovery that the fords of Allkwyet River, in the rear of Accomac,
+where the Confederacy could cross, were adjoining each other, and
+extended from the source of the river to its mouth, it was deemed
+proper to let the Confederacy court further ruination by retiring in
+that direction. Hence, whilst the watchful Conic section took a brief
+nap, the Anatomical Cavalry was sent rapidly in front of the
+disgracefully retreating Confederacy to clear the road for it to the
+river, and then telegraph the news of the great victory to all the
+excellent morning journals.
+
+It was another splendid stroke of profound strategy, my boy, and would
+have crowned the idolized General of the Mackerel Brigade with new
+laurels, had he not been too bashfully modest to understand it himself.
+
+Finding, however, that it seemed to be better than something worse, he
+told his staff a small story to clear his throat, and then unfurled the
+following
+
+
+                              PROCLAMATION.
+
+I, the General of the Mackerel Brigade, next President of the United
+States of America, and Commander-in-Chief of the Mackerel Army and
+superior improved iron-plated squadron, do hereby swear, that on this
+occasion, as in a previous instance, the war will be prosecuted for the
+object of practically maintaining the Constitution forever destroyed,
+and restoring friendly relations between the sections and States
+inexorably alienated; that it is my practical purpose to suggest, at
+the next orderly meeting of the Mackerel Brigade, a practical offer of
+pecuniary compensation for the slaves of the so-called Border States
+which have refrained, through patriotic fear, from waging unnatural
+hostilities with the United States of America and my practical self.
+Gradual Emancipation having thus set in, as far as those States are
+concerned, either voluntarily, or by virtue of a superior discretion,
+persons of African descent will again be privileged, or voluntarily
+compelled to colonize in Nova Zembla, where bear hunting is still in
+full bloom; that on the first day of April, in the year of our Lord one
+thousand eight hundred and sixty-three, all persons held as slaves by
+what is then known as the ruins of the Southern Confederacy, shall be
+then, thence, thenceforward and forever free, if they choose to
+consider themselves so, and are able to achieve their independence;
+that on the aforesaid first of April, the General of the Mackerel
+Brigade will designate the States, or parts of States, which have
+rendered this proclamation nugatory, by returning involuntarily, and by
+force of our arms, to their allegiance, inviting them to elect members
+of Congress, boarders at Willard's and Senators as usual, the same as
+though their somewhat-prolonged rebellion against the United States of
+America had been a rather meritorious arrangement, entitling them to
+more than ordinary consideration.
+
+And I do hereby respectfully request all officers to refrain in future
+from paying the traveling expenses of persons of African descent sent
+by them to their revolted masters after a term of trench service, as
+there don't appear to be any common-sense in such expenditure.
+
+And the General of the Mackerel Brigade will further recommend, that
+all citizens of the United States remaining loyal now, or who may
+become loyal, voluntarily or otherwise, at any period of the world's
+history, be fully compensated for all losses sustained by the United
+States, including the loss of memory or eye sight.
+
+In witness whereof, behold the signature and seal of the
+
+                                     GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
+    (Green Seal.)
+
+While I am compelled to admit, my boy, that I do not exactly understand
+by what authority the General of the Mackerel Brigade is empowered to
+issue this Proclamation; and that some of its clauses--particularly the
+last--strike me as being somewhat muddled, I yet regard it as at least
+a faint evidence that the tremendous farce in which we have so long
+been playing such bloody parts is at last coming to an end.
+
+And since the farce seems drawing to a close, perhaps your farcical
+Orpheus C. Kerr could select no fitter time than this to withdraw with
+grace from the field.
+
+As this thought occurs to me, my boy, I look up, and behold a couple of
+our brigadiers a few paces off, with only two tumblers between them.
+Their faces are expressionless. I have seen apple-dumplings with more
+expression, especially when dressed with sauce. It is impossible, my
+boy, that any wise thing should enter into the heads of our
+brass-buttoned generals under any possible circumstances; and with
+heavy heart, I acknowledge the conviction that I must still rush the
+quill.
+
+                                            Yours, enduringly,
+                                                       ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                             LETTER LXXII.
+
+  REPORTING THE LATEST SMALL STORY FROM "HONEST ABE," AND DESCRIBING
+      THE MOST MERCENARY BAYONET CHARGE ON RECORD.
+
+
+                                  WASHINGTON, D. C., October 4th, 1862.
+
+Our Honest Abe, my boy, may lack these brilliant qualities which in the
+great legislator may constitute either the live-oak sceptre of true
+patriotism or the dexter finger of refined roguery, as the genius of
+the age pivots on honesty or diplomacy; but his nature has all the
+sterling characteristics of the heartiest manhood about it, and there
+is a smiling sun in his composition which never sets. That he is in his
+anecdotage, my boy, is a fact
+
+  "Which nobody can deny;
+  Or, if they do, they lie!"
+
+yet even his anecdotes have that simple sunlight in them which is,
+perhaps, a greater boon to the high place of a nation in the dark hour,
+than the most weird and perpetual haze of crafty wisdom could be.
+
+There was a dignified chap here from New York on Monday; a chap who has
+invented many political conventions in his time, and came here for the
+special purpose of learning everything whatsoever concerning the
+present comparative inactivity of the able-bodied Mackerel Brigade.
+
+The Mackerel Brigade, my boy, has done little more than skirmish on the
+festive borders of the well-known Southern Confederacy since the great
+metaphysical victory in which it gained such applause and lost a few
+muskets, and the dignified convention chap called upon the Honest Abe
+to learn the meaning of the present situation.
+
+Rumor states that it was the Honest Abe's hour of fragmentary leisure
+when this inquiring chap perforated the White House; and that he was
+sitting with his boots on the window-sill, carving a pine toothpick
+from a vagrant chip.
+
+"Mr. President," says the dignified chap, affably, "such is the agony
+of the public mind in consequence of the present uncertainty in
+military affairs that I feel it my duty, as a humble portion of that
+Mind, to respectfully request of you some information as to the reason
+for the cotemporary Mackerel inactivity."
+
+"Hem!" says the Honest Abe, combing his locks with his right hand, and
+placing a small bit of the chip in the right corner of his Etruscan
+mouth: "Perhaps I cannot better answer your question, neighbor, than by
+relating a small tale:
+
+"There was a man out in Iowa who owned a large farm, on which he raised
+everything but the interest of his purchase-money, and it cost him so
+little to send his crops to the market that he was all the time wishing
+he could find the crops to send. Now, this man was very tenacious of
+his rights," says the Honest Abe, putting the argument with his
+jack-knife--"he was very tenacious of his rights; and when a
+squatter-sovereign from Missouri came and squatted right on one of his
+best pieces of land, he determined to whip that squatter-sovereign
+within an inch of his life, and then send him trooping. So he goes down
+one day to where the squatter had run up a shingle house," says the
+Honest Abe, brushing a chip from his right knee, "he goes down there,
+and says he to the squatter: 'If you don't make tracks from here in
+twenty-four hours, you varmint, I'll make you smell thunder and see
+chain-lightnin'.' The squatter threw away the axe with which he was
+thumping down a maple log for a door-post, and says he: 'This is a free
+country, stranger; and if you'll come to a place where the grass is
+thick enough to make a tidy tumble, we'll have it out at once.' This
+put the old man's dander right up," says the Honest Abe, pulling down
+his vest; "this put his dander right up, and says he: 'Grass be darned!
+Here's a spot of ground as bare as the top of Governor Chase's head,
+and I'll jest trouble you--y' old varmint you--to find how soft it is
+for a night's lodgings.' After this speech there was no more to be
+said; so the two geniuses repaired to the bare spot, and squared away
+at each other like all possest. The old man was great on the science of
+the thing," says the Honest Abe, using the toe of one boot as a
+boot-jack to pull the other half-way off--"the old man was great on the
+science of boxing; but the squatter had the muscle, and in about two
+winks the old 'un was packing the gravel. Up he got again, very
+ricketty in the shoulder-blades, and came to call like a grizzly in
+bee-time, striking out with a bang up science, and would have triumphed
+gloriously if he hadn't suddenly gone to gravel again, with all his
+baggage. On this occasion, he righted with both his elbows out of
+joint, and says he: 'You're as good as chawed up--y' old varmint,
+you--but I'll come back here next spring, and have it out with you on
+this same spot.' The squatter agreed to that, and they parted for the
+time.
+
+"Now the story of this drawn-fight got abroad, you see," says the
+Honest Abe, working the blade of his jack-knife with his thumb--"it got
+abroad; and one day a neighbor went to the old 'un, and says he:
+'There's one thing about that big fight of yours, Uncle Billy, I can't
+understand. What made you put off the end of the show till next spring?'
+
+"'Have you seen the cantankerous spot where we fit?' says the old 'un,
+moving his shoulders uneasily.
+
+"'Truelie,' says the neighbor.
+
+"'Well,' says the old 'un, craftily, 'I'm just waiting _till that thar
+spot has a trifle of grass on it_.'"
+
+At the conclusion of this natural little narrative, my boy, the
+dignified conventional chap hurried from the White House scratching his
+head: and I really believe, my boy--I really believe, that his
+sensitive soul detected an analogy not gushingly flattering to national
+strategy and the President of the United States for 1865.
+
+Soon after hearing of this, I met him at Willard's, and says I: "Well,
+my sagacious Mirabeau, what is your final opinion of our Honest Abe?"
+
+He merely paused long enough to swear at a button which happened to
+burst from the neck-band of his shirt just then, and says he: "The
+Honest Abe is a well-meaning Executive, enough. He's a well-meaning
+Executive," says the dignified chap, with an air of slightly-irritated
+good-nature; "but I wish he'd do something to save his country, instead
+of telling small tales all the time."
+
+Our President is an honest man, my boy, and the glass in his spectacles
+isn't exactly made of the paper they print telegrams upon.
+
+Learning that the Mackerel Brigade was still awaiting abject peace
+propositions from the exhausted Confederacy, on the borders of Accomac,
+I scaled the outer walls of my Gothic steed, Pegasus, on Wednesday, and
+sped thither on the metaphorical wings of retarded lightning. A wisp of
+hay was clinging to the wiry mane of the architectural animal, my boy,
+and this I used to delude the spirited steed from making those sudden
+stops in which he invariably indulges whenever a passing acquaintance
+hails us with the familiar salutation of "Hey!--where are you bound?"
+The charger has evidently a confused idea of the word "Hey," my boy.
+
+Upon gaining the outskirts of Accomac, I met Company 3, Regiment 5,
+Mackerel Brigade, just coming out to make a bayonet-charge upon one of
+the Confederacy's earthworks not far away. I might have let the
+warriors pass by unheeded, my boy, as I was deeply ruminating upon
+strategy; but as they came nearer, I noticed among them a file of red
+noses dragging along a Mackerel, who was tearing and groaning like a
+madman. In fact, the chap became so violent just then, that Captain
+Villiam Brown precipitately dropped his canteen and halted the company.
+
+I looked at the devoted and nearly-sober beings clustered about the
+struggling chap, and says I:
+
+"Has mutiny reared his horrid front, my veterans? What ails our
+gymnastic friend?"
+
+A Mackerel, largely patched in several departments of his attire,
+shaded his voice with a crab-like hand, and says he: "That is Jakey
+Mogs, which got a letter from his virchoose femly just the instant we
+was ordered to fix bayonets, and he's gone cracked because the Captain
+can't let him leave for home in a big rush."
+
+Here the refractory chap burst furiously from those who were holding
+him, fell upon his knees before the captain, and says he, as he cried
+like a woman: "For God's sake, Cap, _do_ let me go home just this once,
+and I swear to God I won't stay there more than just one minnit! My old
+woman wrote this herself (tearing the letter from his ragged breast),
+and she says our little Tom is dying. He's a-dying--O good Lord! it's
+too much! Please let me go, my dear, good Cap, and I won't be gone an
+hour; and I'll bring you back the pootiest little bull-tarrier you ever
+see; and you can shoot me for desertion--honor bright! My Tommy's
+a-dying, I tell you, and she's wrote for me to come right away. Just an
+hour, Cap, for God's sake!--only _half_ an hour, and I'll come back and
+be shot--honor bright!"
+
+As the wild words came pouring out of the poor fellow's working soul,
+there fell a breathless hush upon all his comrades; the line of
+bayonets seemed to me to reflect the soft light of the afternoon with a
+kind of strange quiver, and though the Captain turned his head sternly
+away from the suppliant, there was not that firmness in the arm
+circling to his hip which drives home the sword of the strong.
+
+"Take the being under guard," says Villiam, hoarsely; "for he _must_
+go."
+
+At the word, the rude father sprang to his feet, with a tigerish glare
+in his eyes, dashed the letter to the ground, tore his bowie from its
+sheath; and as, with the howl of a wild beast, he made a furious thrust
+at one of those who approached to secure him--Nature broke in the
+tempest, and he fell into the arms of a comrade, in a fit. They sent
+him back, then, to camp, and Company 3, Regiment 5, moved forward once
+again, as though nothing had happened.
+
+Alas! my boy, when this whole war is the sensitive nerve of a vast
+nation, and vibrates a thrill of mortal agony to a million of souls at
+each jar the very air receives from a shot, what matter is it if a
+single heart be broken.
+
+I pondered this deeply as I followed Company 3; nor did I heed the
+affable remarks occasionally volunteered by Captain Villiam Brown until
+we gained the edge of the field wherein was located a company of
+bushwhacking Confederacies, as was supposed, behind a scientific
+mud-work. Captain Bob Shorty and Captain Samyule Sa-mith were already
+on the ground to witness the bayonet charge; and it was well that they
+had provided bits of smoked glass to view it through, as the glaring
+brilliancy of the anticipated feat might have proved hurtful to the
+naked eye. As I took my place with them, my boy, I could not but admire
+the rapidity with which Captain Villiam Brown kicked some of his beings
+into a straight line before the foe's front, and at the same time
+addressed them after the manner of a great commander:
+
+"Comrades," says Villiam, his voice quivering finely with
+uncontrollable valor, "the eyes of future centuries are looking down
+upon you on this present occasion, and your distracted country expects
+you to propel the gleamy steel. Ah!" says Villiam, taking another hasty
+look at his notes, "the distracted country has great confidence in
+bayonet charges, which are quite valuable on account of their scarcity
+in this unnatural war. My fellow-beings," says Villiam, allowing
+several Mackerels to get in front of him, that he might more readily
+direct their movements, "we will now proceed to charge bayonets."
+
+From our point of vantage, we saw that serried host sweep on, my boy,
+their movements being exceedingly rapid for several yards; when they
+went slower, and finally stopped.
+
+Captain Samyule Sa-mith eyed them intensely through his glass, and says
+he: "It appears to me that there is temporary inactivity in the ranks,
+and I can see some manly heads turned the wrong way."
+
+Captain Bob Shorty frowned until his left eyebrow contracted a delicate
+streak of smoke from _his_ glass, and says he: "You speak like one of
+feeble mind, Samyule. The legs, not the head, are the portions of the
+human frame to be watched in a baynit charge."
+
+Taught by this remark, I gazed at the nether continuations of our
+country's hope and pride, and my glass told me that many of them were
+working in their sockets as though belonging to wholly irresponsible
+parties. Were those devoted men about to change their base of
+operations and entrap Stonewall Jackson's whole force again, without
+waiting to receive a shot?
+
+It was a moment of dreadful suspense.
+
+Then did the matchless genius of Villiam Brown arise to the full
+demands of the breathless occasion, in one of those subtle appeals to
+human nature's great undercurrent which leads men as children often are
+led. In the rear of the Confederacy's work was the slanting side of a
+precipitous hill, and to this hill-side he had secretly dispatched the
+paymaster of the _corps_, by a circuitous route, with a package that
+looked as though it might contain Treasury Notes under his arm. Just at
+this awful juncture, when the fate of the day hung by a hair, that
+paymaster made his appearance on the hill-side above the mud-work, and
+put on his spectacles to make himself more plainly visible.
+
+"Comrades," says Villiam, pointing to the celestial figure, "yonder is
+the disbursing genius of the United States of America. Charge baynits,
+and let us be paid off."
+
+Though the whole Confederacy had been in the way at that moment, my
+boy, it would not have delayed the charge. Forward went Company 3,
+Regiment 5, with mercenary celerity, capturing the hostile work with
+great success; and finding therein a Confederate letter, stating that
+the Confederacy could not so far demean itself as to fight a force
+whose leader had not been educated at West Point.
+
+There is a point, my boy, _beyond_ which the Confederacy cannot hope to
+offer successful resistance to our arms, and recent events would seem
+to indicate that it is West Point.
+
+                                              Yours, formally,
+                                                        ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                             LETTER LXXIII.
+
+  MAKING MENTION OF ANOTHER MEETING OF THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB, AT
+      WHICH THE TURKISH AND RUSSIAN MEMBERS READ THEIR STORIES.
+
+
+                                   WASHINGTON, D. C., October 8th, 1862.
+
+At the meeting of the Cosmopolitans last evening, my boy, N. E.
+Ottoman, the Turkish chap, related the tale of
+
+
+                          THE SULTAN'S FAVORITE.
+
+"In all Circassia, there was no woman to be compared with Zara, for
+beauty. Her eyes were like the stars, her hair was threads of gold, her
+teeth were pearls, her complexion more white and pure than the marble
+of Patras, and her form was like those of the houris, whom Allah has
+locked up in paradise, for the benefit of all true believers.
+
+"The father of this beautiful girl was a mountain chieftain, much noted
+for his physical strength, bravery, and insatiable avarice. His wife
+died in giving birth to Zara, and upon her child he lavished all the
+affection which his iron heart could nourish; but gold overcame the
+finer feelings of a parent, and Nemyl beheld the bud of childhood
+bursting forth into the soul-subduing woman with thoughts in which
+there was far more speculation than love.
+
+"'You shall be sold to the Sultan,' said he to her, 'and he will soon
+become your most devoted slave. You may make him do what you will, and
+I shall become respected and rich, as the father of a Sultan's
+favorite.'
+
+"Zara made no reply to such anticipations; for, although she honored
+the _alem penali_ of mankind, her affections had lighted upon another
+object.
+
+"During the war between the Russians and Circassians, truces of a few
+days' duration were quite frequent, and at such periods those of both
+parties who were upon the plains, intermingled, and spoke words of
+peace to each other. On one of these occasions, a Russian detachment
+was quartered near the habitation of Nemyl, and a young officer, who
+beheld Zara, fell in love with her at first sight, although he saw
+nothing but her form; for her face was covered.
+
+"Garstoff (for such was his name) made various attempts to have
+communication with the insensible object of his passion; but, for some
+days, his efforts were in vain--the Circassians being very ready to
+keep truce with his countrymen, but very jealous, also, of any
+attention bestowed upon one of their own nation. The officer beheld the
+brief period of peace fast drawing to an end, and was about to resign
+his darling object, when fortune unexpectedly befriended him.
+
+"One evening as he was returning to his camp, a sound of clashing steel
+fell upon his ear, and, turning in the direction from whence it came,
+he observed a horseman bravely defending himself against the assaults
+of four men in Turkish costume. Swift as lightning, his sword flew from
+his scabbard, and going to the assistance of the rider, he made two of
+the assailants bite the dust, while the others took to their heels and
+quickly disappeared.
+
+"'Your assistance was most timely, and I owe my life to you,' said the
+horseman, dismounting from his steed, and peering into the face of his
+new ally.
+
+"'I am happy to have been of service to a brave man,' replied Garstoff,
+'but who were those scoundrels?'
+
+"'I know them not,' answered the other, 'but suppose them to belong to
+a band of mountain thieves, who are prowling about the camps in search
+of plunder. I perceive, by your uniform, that you are one of our
+enemies. But we are at peace now, and as you have saved my live, I
+extend the hand of friendship to you. Come with me to my house, and we
+will eat salt together.'
+
+"'May I know the name of my new friend?' asked the Russian.
+
+"'I am Nemyl, and I put my trust in God.'
+
+"'I cannot refuse your kind invitation,' said Garstoff. And Nemyl
+remounting his horse, the two set off at good speed not saying another
+word until they arrived at the house of the chieftain. It was a
+spacious but rude habitation, and the only attendant who welcomed the
+pair was a pretty little girl of scarce ten years. Nemyl fastened the
+horses of himself and visitor under a low shed, and then proceeded to
+an apartment where _rabols_, viands, various fruits, mountain herbs,
+and large vessels filled with coffee and eastern wines, were placed
+upon a table with covers for three persons.
+
+"'We sup here,' he said, motioning Garstoff to a seat beside the board,
+and taking one himself. 'I expected to have met one of our chiefs
+to-night, and brought him to my house, but those fellows stopped me,
+and I changed my company. Eat--What is your name?'
+
+"'Major Garstoff.'
+
+"A shade passed over the features of Nemyl, at the sound of that name,
+and he grasped the hilt of his scymetar, for he had heard of the
+officer's attempt to speak with Zara, and it was only a thought of
+recent events that restrained him from rushing upon the bold barbarian
+with the fury of a tiger.
+
+"Garstoff beheld the change in his host's manner, and had grasped his
+own weapon, to defend himself from any sudden attack, when a door was
+opened, and Zara entered the department, preceded by the little slave,
+looking more beautiful than ever.
+
+"The officer was filled with various emotions by her presence; for he
+at once recognised her as the idol of his heart, and all feelings of
+anger disappeared at once.
+
+"'This is my child Zara,' said Nemyl, with affected indifference. 'The
+great Sultan has an apartment for her in his seraglio, and his Aga has
+already bargained with me for her purchase.'
+
+"Garstoff watched the girl's countenance, while her father spoke thus,
+and was delighted to perceive that she was discomposed by his words;
+but resolving to avoid a quarrel with his entertainer, he replied:
+
+"'Happy must be the man, whether sultan or renegade, who is destined to
+claim so much beauty for his own.'
+
+"The suspicions of Nemyl were lulled to sleep by such disinterested
+expressions, and he ate and drank with his visitor, in all good will,
+while Zara listened in silence to their conversation. At length, the
+fumes of the liquors which he had swallowed, mounted to his brain, and
+after giving vent to some incoherent oaths, the Circassian fell upon
+the floor in a state of insensibility. His visitor was quite astonished
+by such a catastrophe; but as it afforded him an opportunity to
+converse with Zara, he rather rejoiced at it.
+
+"'Fair lady,' said he, 'can it indeed be true that your charms are
+destined to wither in the Sultan's harem?'
+
+"'It is true, stranger,' answered Zara, in mournful tones, 'the Aga of
+Soliman, spoke with my father at Constantinople, and I am to be borne
+thither soon.'
+
+"'Does such a fate please you, Zara?' asked the officer.
+
+"'No!' replied the beautiful Circassian, with emphasis. 'But it is the
+will of Allah, and I must submit.'
+
+"She arose from her seat, and beckoning for the attendant, was about to
+leave the apartment, when Garstoff, laid his hand upon her arm, and
+gently restrained her.
+
+"'Forgive my rudeness,' he said, with much earnestness; 'but, Zara, I
+cannot behold your sacrifice, without endeavoring to avert it. I am a
+stranger to you; but you are not a stranger to me; for I have seen you,
+when you thought yourself unobserved, and a fire has been kindled in my
+breast, which nothing but possession of you can ever abate. Tell me to
+perform some deed, that I may prove the ardor of my love; let me save
+you from the fearful doom that threatens you--'
+
+"'Stop! Christian,' interrupted the maid; 'I have never seen your face
+before, and how can I trust a stranger? Go! or Nemyl shall punish you
+when he awakes. I can hear your words no longer.'
+
+"'Think not that I fear your father,' answered Garstoff, 'though I
+stand in his house; yet I will no longer excite your anger by staying
+here.'
+
+"He arose, and would have departed, had not the daughter of Nemyl
+placed herself in his way.
+
+"'What would you do for me?' she asked hurriedly.
+
+"'I would sacrifice my life, if necessary.'
+
+"'That would not help me, Christian. Dare you appear in the field as a
+rival to the sultan, for my favor?'
+
+"'As a rival to ten thousand sultans, for such a reward.'
+
+"'Why do you not _buy me_, then?'
+
+"The Russian staggered back and turned pale at the suggestion; for it
+reminded him how wholly the woman was beyond his reach, and filled him
+with despair.
+
+"'What sum would do it?' he asked.
+
+"'Five thousand doblas,' answered Zara, composedly; 'the great sultan
+will give _four_ thousand, and if you offer _five_, my father will
+surely sell me to you.'
+
+"'Alas! what a curse is poverty!' exclaimed Garstoff, smiting his
+forehead. 'I have only my pay, and it would not amount to that sum in
+three years. What shall I do?'
+
+"His sorrow evidently affected Zara, and for some moments they remained
+silent. At length, her eyes brightened, and she said in peremptory
+tones;
+
+"'You can bear me away to your own country.'
+
+"'That is true!' ejaculated the Russian, kissing her willing hand in
+ecstasy. 'Then indeed have I not suffered in vain. I will take you to a
+country where the sovereign will smile upon you as my bride, and you
+shall forget a land where women are sold like dogs. Bless you for the
+suggestion, dear Zara, I thought of it before; but dared not anticipate
+so much happiness. When will you fly with me?'
+
+"'At this hour, two days hence, I will be in the garden alone!'
+responded the girl, with a familiar glance.
+
+"'It is enough!' said Garstoff. 'I will be here with horses and arms,
+and morning shall behold you in the camp of my countrymen. Till then,
+farewell.'
+
+"The lovers separated so hastily, because Nemyl had commenced to move;
+Zara going with the mute attendant to her apartment, and Garstoff
+departing for his encampment. When both had disappeared, Nemyl arose to
+his feet, while a dim, but grim smile, played about his lips, and all
+signs of intoxication vanished.
+
+"'Oh, ho!' he muttered, between his set teeth. 'The son of a dog would
+rob me of my daughter and four thousand doblas. I will take good care
+to be in the garden two days hence, and the son of Shitan shall find
+what it is to rival the sublime sultan. They thought me drunk with
+grape juice, but they shall suffer for it. By Allah! they shall!' and
+he threw himself upon a couch, where he soon fell asleep, to dream of
+gold and vengeance.
+
+"The truce was within three days of its expiration and Garstoff,
+overjoyed at the success of his impious design, hastened to prepare for
+its execution. He procured horses, assistants, and arms; and on the
+night appointed proceeded towards the house of Nemyl. When within a
+short distance of the garden, he dismounted from his horse and leaving
+that together with the others provided, in care of a few soldiers who
+composed his guard, he drew his sword and walked cautiously towards the
+place of rendezvous. Climbing to the top of the wall, he paused for a
+moment to survey the scene beneath; but all was still as the grave, and
+he sprang into the garden. A few fleecy clouds had hitherto obscured
+the moon; but now she sailed beyond their shade, and by her silver
+light the Russian discovered a figure dressed in white, at a short
+distance in front of him.
+
+"'Zara,' he said, in low, distinct tones, going toward it.
+
+"'Christian, I am here,' answered Zara (for she it was,) and in another
+moment she was in his arms.
+
+"'We must haste away,' said Garstoff, when the first rapture of their
+meeting was over, and she hung upon his arm.
+
+"'Yes! yes! I am afraid Nemyl has discovered us. There have been
+strange men about the house to-day,' replied Zara, looking timidly
+about her; for guilt is ever suspicious, even in broad day.
+
+"Garstoff said no more, but quickly regained the wall; and, drawing
+forth a rope-ladder from under his coat threw it over the wall, so that
+it hung down on either side, and having fastened it in the middle,
+descended after Zara. Catching her in his arms, he darted back; and, in
+a few seconds, was standing with her upon the path.
+
+"'Whose steps are those?' she exclaimed, in terror, as the sound of
+advancing footsteps fell upon her ears.
+
+"'They are my soldiers, dearest,' answered her lover, applying a
+whistle to his lips, and blowing a shrill blast; although he was
+himself astonished that they approached before the signal agreed upon
+was given.
+
+"'Draw your sword, captain--we are surprised!' shouted his followers,
+as they rode hastily up; and almost before the annoyed Garstoff could
+clasp his weapon, a troup of fierce Circassians surrounded him, while
+another party attacked his soldiers with great fury.
+
+"'Surrender, dog of a Christian!' shouted Nemyl, in a voice of thunder.
+
+"'Not while I live!' answered the officer.
+
+"'Then disarm him, my men; but harm him not at your peril!' said the
+Circassian; and, after a desperate resistance, Garstoff was made a
+prisoner, Zara lay fainting in the arms of two stout mountaineers, and
+every Russian soldier bled to death.
+
+"'To the house with them!' said Nemyl, in his usual tones, leading the
+way with an air of triumph.
+
+"Garstoff soon found himself in the apartment where he had supped with
+the father of Zara, who now stood before him as his captor.
+
+"'You have repaid my hospitality with a vengeance,' said Nemyl.
+
+"'Beware how you abuse a Russian officer!' he answered, proudly.
+
+"'Remember, Christian, the truce expires to-morrow, and if I keep you a
+prisoner until then, you will be treated as a prisoner of war.'
+
+"'I know it.'
+
+"'You are now completely in my power; and there is but one feeling that
+withholds my sword from your heart. Do you know what feeling that is?'
+
+"'Fear!'
+
+"'No, Christian devil! Nemyl knows no such word! It is _gratitude_ for
+the preservation of my life towards my preserver. _You are free._
+Depart in peace.'
+
+"'I honor the nobility of your sentiments,' answered Garstoff, filled
+with admiration of such magnanimity; 'yet I would willingly yield my
+life to preserve Zara from the fate you promise her.'
+
+"'Mention not her name. She deserves the bowstring, instead of the
+Sultan's embraces,' said Nemyl, sternly.
+
+"'Are you then so insensible to----'
+
+"'Will you give me five thousand doblas for her?'
+
+"'A hundred thousand, if I had them!'
+
+"'But you have them not?'
+
+"'Alas, no!'
+
+"'Then you cannot have Zara. Depart in peace.'
+
+"Garstoff looked frantically about him for a moment and then rushed
+from the apartment like one demented.
+
+"'My friends,' continued Nemyl, turning to the mountaineers, who stood
+behind him--'I wished you to aid me in recovering a lost treasure, and
+you drew your swords for me. My daughter is delivered from the
+Christian robber, and six of his soldiers are sent to Eblis. I gave the
+dog his life, because he saved mine, when it was nearly forfeited; but
+we shall soon meet in battle, and then let the Giaour beware! Depart in
+peace, my friends.'
+
+"As I have before stated, Zara fell into a swoon, immediately after the
+first appearance of her father, on the evening of her attempted flight,
+and was carried to her chamber, unconscious of how the affray resulted.
+For two days, she was kept a prisoner in her own apartment, seeing no
+one but the little mute. At the end of that period, her father made his
+appearance, while she slept, and rudely pulled her from the couch on
+which she lay.
+
+"'Holy Prophet, have mercy!' she exclaimed, in an agony of fear,
+imagining that he intended to slay her.
+
+"'Dress, and prepare to depart!' thundered Nemyl. 'We must be on the
+road before day-break.'
+
+"Trembling like an aspen, Zara suffered the attendant to array her, and
+then asked, with quivering lips--
+
+"'Where do you intend to take me!'
+
+"'_To the Sultan!_' exclaimed Nemyl; and, as she sank upon her knees at
+his feet, he added, furiously, 'Base girl, you would have covered me
+with disgrace by following a Christian dog; but Allah gave me strength,
+and I slew the barbarian in his toils.'
+
+"In silence the girl rose to her feet, and signified her readiness to
+depart by a low salaam.
+
+"At the street door stood the litter prepared for her reception, and
+Nemyl pushing her into it, drew the curtains, and gave the signal to
+the drivers, while he mounted his horse and accompanied them. On
+arriving at the city of the Sultan (which they did after a tedious
+journey), Nemyl conveyed his daughter to the grand bazaar; for, in
+fact, he never received an offer from the Sultan, but spread the report
+that other purchasers might present themselves, whose positions would
+fail to gratify the desires of his inordinate ambition. Not long had he
+remained there with the litter, when the Kislar Aga of Soliman entered
+the bazaar, and made directly towards him, with long strides.
+
+"'What animal have you in your litter that you keep it closed like a
+cage?' asked the Aga.
+
+"'Your slave will show you that you may judge of it for yourself,'
+answered Nemyl, and drawing the curtains, disclosed Zara, with tears
+upon her cheeks.
+
+"The Aga started back in amazement at beholding such a display of
+beauty, and all his anger vanished like snow beneath a sunbeam. He well
+knew that the addition of such an ornament to the Sultan's harem,
+through his instrumentality, would add greatly to his consequence; and
+his satisfaction was so evident, that Nemyl beheld it with delight,
+and--profited by it.
+
+"'How much gold do you want for the girl?' asked the Aga, endeavoring
+to appear indifferent.
+
+"'Five thousand doblas,' answered Nemyl, composedly.
+
+"'Five thousand doblas! _Bismillah!_ dare you laugh at our beards? That
+money would buy a dozen women.'
+
+"'I was offered that by a Russian officer,' said the Circassian,
+without moving his eyes.
+
+"For a moment the Aga hesitated, but the idea of selecting a favorite
+speedily overcame all his scruples, and bidding Nemyl follow him with
+the litter, he proceeded to a private door of the imperial seraglio,
+and gave Zara in charge of two female slaves.
+
+"Thus was the fairest flower of Franquistan placed in the imperial
+garden, and he who had trained it was soon on his way home, with five
+thousand doblas in his pocket.
+
+"What pencil could portray the delight of his sublime highness, or what
+tongue could repeat the language of his immaculate lips, when he beheld
+his Aga's new purchase.
+
+"'_Barek Allah!_' praise be to God; 'what an hour!' he exclaimed,
+kissing her passionately.
+
+"'She is already a favorite,' said the Aga, and smiled.
+
+"'She will be a favorite,' said the queen's mother, and frowned.
+
+"Zara wept, and would not be comforted during the first few days of her
+residence at the seraglio; but finally the kind words of his sublime
+highness conquered her obstinacy, and throwing herself at his feet, she
+made a full confession of her fondness for Garstoff, and his vain
+attempt to carry her away by stratagem.
+
+"The Sultan was much afflicted by this news, for he really loved Zara,
+and was aware, that, should her defection become known, his honor would
+compel him to plunge her lifeless body into the Bosphorus.
+
+"'My dear Zara,' he said, encircling her waist with his arms, 'you have
+been frank with me, but beware that you speak of this affair to no one
+else, or your life will surely be sacrificed. This Garstoff is dead,
+and can now be nothing to you; do not waste your affections upon a
+skeleton; but let them revert to me, and Soliman will become the slave
+of your will.'
+
+"In such a manner did the Refuge of Mankind talk to the daughter of
+Nemyl, until she gradually drew the veil of forgetfulness over past
+sorrows, and respected his sublime highness, if she did not love him.
+Taking the highest rank in the harem, no wish of hers remained
+unanswered; masters of every art were furnished as her instructors;
+subservient slaves were ever ready to do her bidding, and costly
+presents of every description rolled in upon the favorite, from those
+who had--axes to grind.
+
+"Each day the Sultan became more deeply in love with her, and in the
+same proportion, she became each day more odious to those, whom, from
+old age, or satiety, the magnificent Soliman had quitted for Zara.
+Among the most violent enemies of the new favorite, was the queen
+mother, who suborned the Kislar Aga to her will, and through him,
+maintained a thorough system of espionage upon every word and action of
+the object of her hatred; but Zara rendered all her efforts futile
+until one day while going abroad, she observed a person dressed in the
+janissary uniform, whose form appeared familiar; and what was her
+emotion, when he turned his face toward her, and discovered the
+features of _Garstoff_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Here the English member interrupted the reader, and says he:
+
+"Good gracious! I thought that fellow was dead."
+
+"No, sir," says the Turkish chap; "you should remember that Nemyl
+spared his life."
+
+"I don't remember anything about it," says the British chap, crustily;
+"but I suppose you told that part of the story when I was asleep.
+Proceed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"The Kislar Aga, who stood behind her litter, noted Zara's emotions and
+their apparent cause, and when he returned to the palace, made his
+instigatress acquainted with her rival's strange conduct. The wily
+woman at once perceived that Zara was partially in her power, and
+instructed her instrument to watch the favorite closely, and gain
+further information. Meanwhile, their intended victim suffered the
+pangs of remorse, and old feelings awakened from their long sleep,
+struggled fiercely with the usurping passions in her bosom.
+
+"The sight of the Russian, whom she believed to be in his grave, made
+her frantic with sorrow, and she resolved to speak with him, although
+by so doing, she would risk discovery and an ignominious end.
+
+"To accomplish her purpose she called upon the Aga, as he had always
+appeared devoted to her special interests, and, describing the person
+of her lover, asked him to carry a billet to Garstoff, and thus gain a
+rich reward.
+
+"'Aga,' she said, with composure, 'you must find this man, and ask him
+if his name is not Garstoff. Should he start, and answer yes, give him
+this slip of paper, and say no more.'
+
+"With many vows of fidelity, the Aga received the billet, and carried
+it direct to--the queen mother.
+
+"The latter person did not hesitate to open it, and read as follows:
+
+"'GARSTOFF: I have seen you, and would speak with you. Meet me near the
+mosque of Omar, to-morrow, at the tenth hour.'
+
+                                                           'ZARA.'
+
+"'She is caught at last,' said the triumphant plotter; 'but we must let
+the affair run on, until the Sultan may be convinced by his own eyes of
+her guilt.'
+
+"Accordingly, the slave departed in search of the disguised Russian,
+whom he soon discovered from the description given him by Zara.
+
+"'Is not your name Garstoff?' he asked.
+
+"'Great heavens!--yes, it is!' answered the janissary, in great
+confusion.
+
+"'Then here is something for you,' said the Aga; and, handing him the
+billet, turned upon his heel.
+
+"Great was the surprise of Garstoff when he read the letter; but joy
+quickly overcame wonder, and he hastened to procure a suitable disguise
+for the strange meeting.
+
+"At the appointed hour he stood before the mosque, and presently a
+muffled figure approached him, whom his beating heart proclaimed to be
+the long lost object of his adoration. It was indeed Zara, and, in one
+moment, they were in each other's arms.
+
+"The Russian hastened to relate his adventures since they last saw each
+other, and finished by saying:
+
+"'I gave up my commission, dearest Zara, to seek for you, and now that
+we once more behold each other, let us never part again. This hated
+uniform I assumed to facilitate my search; it shall be thrown aside now
+and forever.'
+
+"Then Zara commenced her narrative, but was quickly interrupted.
+
+"'Zara, tell me, for heaven's sake, have you listened to the Sultan's
+words of love? Are you, are you--his--slave?' gasped Garstoff,
+staggering against the wall.
+
+"Zara looked to the ground.
+
+"'I see it all,' he continued, in frantic accents. 'Zara, you are lost!
+lost to me forever! I go to my death. Zara, a last farewell!' He was
+about to leave her, when she caught his arm, and hissed in his ear:
+
+"'Is this your love that you once boasted of?'
+
+"'Zara, let me go; I am almost mad.'
+
+"'And I am _quite_ mad. Listen to me, faithless Christian. I beheld you
+in the streets when you saw me not, and have risked honor, life, every
+thing, to come to you, and be your slave. How could I help what has
+passed? My father--'
+
+"'Zara, you should have _died_ first.'
+
+"For a time she remained silent, with her head bowed, and then said, in
+low tones:
+
+"'Christian, you are right; I should, indeed, have preferred death to
+my present fate; but it is too late now. I will return to my _master_;
+yet do I hope to see you once again. Will you not grant me that favor?'
+
+"'Once more,' answered Garstoff mechanically.
+
+"'Then come here to-morrow, and you will find a large chest; place
+yourself in it, and two slaves will bring you to me. Do you promise?'
+
+"'I do, Zara,' and, in deep sorrow, Garstoff turned away.
+
+"'Base dog!' muttered Zara, as she again muffled her features, 'you
+have rejected the daughter of Nemyl, and she sleeps not while you press
+the earth.'
+
+"The favorite sped hastily back to the palace, and entered by a secret
+door, while the Kislar Aga, who had concealed himself near her at the
+mosque, and witnessed the interview, hastened to the queen mother, and
+made his report, when she exclaimed:
+
+"'Allah be praised! this Circassian will soon be under the Bosphorus;
+for Zara will meet her gallant, and his serene highness shall behold
+himself dishonored.'
+
+"Knowing the extreme affection entertained for Zara by Soliman, the
+cautious woman was wary in her communication, and did not reveal the
+whole matter, until the Sultan's suspicions had been aroused by her
+hints. He first ridiculed, then listened silently, then believed; and,
+finally, agreed to conceal himself in the Sultana's apartment, and
+judge for himself.
+
+"He waited until the moment of assignation approached, and was looking
+upon the unconscious object of his gaze with returning confidence, when
+a curtain of the apartment was raised, and two negro slaves entered,
+bearing a large chest between them.
+
+"Zara motioned for them to leave it and depart; and then raising the
+lid, Garstoff stepped forth, and the Sultan uttered an inward groan.
+
+"'Drink this, and it will give you strength,' said Zara, presenting a
+goblet of liquor to the janissary.
+
+"Garstoff raised the cup to his lips, and drained it at a draught; on
+which the fair Circassian burst into a fit of hysterical laughter.
+
+"'Is this a moment for merriment?' asked Garstoff, sternly.
+
+"'Wine makes me merry!' she answered, drinking from another goblet.
+'And now, Christian, do you know what you came here for?'
+
+"'To see you for the last time.'
+
+"'That is true, follower of Isauri--_you go not hence alive!_'
+
+"'What mean you, woman?' exclaimed Garstoff, starting from his seat
+with pallid cheeks.
+
+"'_I mean that you have swallowed poison!_' screamed Zara, the fire of
+insanity blazing from her eyes. 'You scorned the daughter of Nemyl, and
+she has taken revenge! Pray to Isauri--pray to--'
+
+"Garstoff dropped upon the floor, a disfigured corpse, and the Sultan
+bounded from his place of concealment upon Zara; but the purple veins
+of her forehead were swelling out like cords, and before he could speak
+to her she was--_dead!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Really," says Vitchisvitch, the Russian member, drawing a long breath,
+"there is too much of the 'blood and thunder' style about that story to
+suit me; but here is something more quiet."
+
+And he proceeded, my boy, to make known unto us
+
+
+                          THE LITTLE MAN IN GREEN.
+
+"On a clear, cold night in December, Nicholas Dimitri, a young officer
+of Cossacks, was walking slowly through a public street of St.
+Petersburg, with a military cloak thrown over his shoulder, and looking
+steadfastly to the ground, as though intent upon some prospect of no
+ordinary interest. Acquaintances of all ranks were constantly passing
+him, but their silent salutes met no return, and many a surmise was
+hazarded as to what his mission was, that it caused such evident
+abstraction in one so generally admired for his flow _d'esprit_.
+Unconscious of attracting attention, Nicholas strode onwards wrapped in
+thought, until he became aware of violent collision with some person
+going in an opposite direction, and almost immediately a hoarse voice
+exclaimed:
+
+"'What, in the name of all that's good, are you about? Are not the
+walks wide enough for both of us, that you must needs knock a man's
+breath out of his body in this way? By the Admiral's wig! I've a mind
+to return the compliment with my fists, you lubber.'
+
+"The officer of Cossacks started involuntarily, as his reverie was thus
+broken, and beheld standing before him a very stout individual, rather
+below the ordinary height in stature, with iron-grey hair, prominent
+features much embrowned, and clad in a plain green uniform, such as was
+worn by the privates in the army. The little man stood directly in his
+path, with an expression of good natured defiance resting upon his
+countenance, and flourishing a short cane in his right hand.
+
+"'I beg your pardon, sir,' said Nicholas, somewhat provoked, 'but I was
+hardly conscious of being in the street at all. Allow me to pass, sir,
+I am in haste.' He attempted to get by the little gentleman, but that
+person had no idea of allowing such a move, and in the coolest possible
+manner linked his arm with that of the impatient officer.
+
+"'It's my watch now,' he said, with a short laugh, 'and as you don't
+bunk in just yet, we may as well be company for each other. I ain't
+particular about which way you go, so up with your irons and we'll
+scud.'
+
+"'I can permit no such familiarities,' replied Nicholas, angrily,
+attempting to release his arm. 'Are you intoxicated, that you do not
+perceive I am an officer? Let go my arm, sir, or I will call the
+patrol, and place you under guard.'
+
+"Notwithstanding this threat, the little man still hung on, and walked
+boldly beside him with great good humor.
+
+"'Ha! ha! you think I belong to the army, Mr. Officer,' he observed,
+with much jocularity. 'I know rather more about the sea, and never tip
+my cap to anything less than a frigate captain. But never mind that.
+This street should be better lighted, and yet if it had been, I should
+never have known you--don't you think so? Now really don't you think
+the Emperor or Czar should pay more attention to lighting the streets?
+I should think the people would grumble about it--don't they?'
+
+"Seeing that his new acquaintance was determined to walk beside him,
+the officer had resolved to let him talk without venturing a reply, but
+this slur upon the Czar wounded his pride, and he answered impatiently,
+
+"'You cannot be a Russian, sir, or you would not dare speak thus
+disrespectfully of the greatest, noblest, and best living sovereign.
+Why should we need more light, sirrah, when the moon is shining
+brightly? Let me warn you not to speak this way before others, or you
+may receive rough treatment. Every Muscovite honors and loves the Czar
+as a father, and a slighter cause than that just given by you has cost
+many a foreigner his life in St. Petersburg.'
+
+"As the young man spoke, he seemed to forget his companion, and yielded
+his whole soul to the enthusiasm of loyalty.
+
+"'I like you,' said the little man, heartily.
+
+"'Indeed!'
+
+"'Yes, and will help you.'
+
+"'Help me?' asked Nicholas, stopping suddenly in his walk, eyeing his
+companion with mingled astonishment and suspicion.
+
+"'I said so. Is there anything extraordinary in that!'
+
+"'Who are you?' demanded the officer, sternly.
+
+"'No matter about that. I am your friend.'
+
+"'How do I know that?' asked Nicholas, still more astonished.
+
+"'I will prove it. You are in love!'
+
+"'Most men are at some periods of their lives.'
+
+"'Very true, but _you_ are in love _now_, and the lady of your
+affection is far above you in station.'
+
+"'How in heaven's name do you know this? Who are you?' exclaimed the
+officer, completely thrown off his guard, and staring wildly at his odd
+companion.
+
+"'It matters not how I know, or who I am. Let it suffice to say that I
+_do_ know, and can aid you,' said the little man, with a more dignified
+air than he had before assumed. 'Restrain your feelings, and merely
+answer yes or no, to what I am about to say. You are loved by the lady?'
+
+"'I believe--or, rather, trust so.'
+
+"'She is the Countess Walewski?'
+
+"'No.'
+
+"'Her ward Olinska?'
+
+"'I shall answer no more questions,' said Nicholas, compressing his
+lips.
+
+"'Then, Mr. Officer, I will ask no more questions, but confine myself
+strictly to statements. You love Olinska, and have a rival in Admiral
+Praxin, who is favored by the Czar. So strong are your rival's claims
+that you have no resource save a clandestine marriage. You are now on
+your way to the hotel of the Countess, intending to perfect your plans
+with her aid, and baffle the Czar in his designs for the advantage of
+Admiral Praxin. Don't say a word to me now, you will receive a message
+before long. Good night, Nicholas Dimitri.'
+
+"The little man nodded his head most knowingly, and fairly ran off,
+leaving the astounded lover looking at the moon.
+
+"Nicholas remained perfectly still for some moments, looking vacantly
+upward, and then went on his way, like one who had just awakened from a
+strange dream.
+
+"'What can this mean?' he asked himself. 'This man, whom I never saw
+before, has told me of things which no mortal save myself should know,
+and he is even acquainted with my name. This matter must be quickly
+settled, or I shall be placed under arrest, with no hope for the
+future.'
+
+"Arriving presently at the door of an aristocratic mansion, he sent up
+his card, and was speedily ushered into an elegant boudoir, where a
+beautiful and richly-dressed lady was waiting to receive him. The
+Countess Walewski was not a young woman, yet the bloom of earlier years
+still lingered on her cheek, and the sprightly vivacity of girlhood
+shot forth from her dark brown eyes.
+
+"'My dear Nicholas, you are behind time,' she said, giving her hand to
+the young officer, and causing him to take a seat beside her on a
+velvet couch. 'Lovers are not often tardy in keeping their
+appointments, but as I am not the lady, I must excuse you. Upon my
+word--I did not observe it before--you look discontented. Nothing has
+happened, I hope?'
+
+"'Dearest lady, we are betrayed!' answered Nicholas, gloomily.
+
+"'You are jesting.'
+
+"'Would to God, I were! A strange man encountered me in the street as I
+came hither--' and Nicholas gave a full account of his interview with
+the little man in green.
+
+"The Countess appeared much alarmed by the narration, and, for some
+moments after its conclusion, remained silent, but at length she
+recovered sufficient courage to reply,
+
+"'This is strange indeed--and yet, Nicholas, this man may be a member
+of the police, who, as you know, make themselves masters of our very
+thoughts. You say he expressed a desire to assist you, and declared
+himself your friend; he may have some object in this we know not of--'
+
+"'No living man shall rob me of my prize,' interrupted Nicholas,
+passionately. 'Olinska will be guided by me, and before morning we will
+be far from the capital. There is no time to lose; we must hasten
+towards Moscow this very night. Where is she? Why is she not here to
+meet me?'
+
+"'Restrain your passion; be prudent, I entreat you,' exclaimed the
+Countess, grasping his wrists. 'Olinska loves you, and you alone; but I
+am her guardian, and she submits to my wishes, as duty bids her. Be
+yourself, Nicholas, and avoid any rash action. You cannot see Olinska
+to-night.'
+
+"'Has your ladyship combined with my enemies to make a madman of me?'
+asked the officer, with great bitterness.
+
+"'Have my actions been those of an enemy?' responded the Countess, with
+a reproachful smile. 'My dear Nicholas, I would have spared you a pang,
+but you compel me to tell all. My ward is to have an interview with
+Admiral Praxin to-morrow, by order of the Czar.'
+
+"'With Admiral Praxin!' exclaimed Nicholas, starting to his feet.
+
+"'Such is the truth. I do not believe that Peter will compel Olinska;
+but his command was imperative, and must be obeyed at all risks. Do not
+fear for Olinska--she is wholly yours, though a king should ask her
+hand. The Admiral can only sue to be rejected, and after that you must
+fly.'
+
+"'Lady, I submit to your wishes,' said Nicholas. 'I honor the Czar, as
+all Russians should honor him, but Olinska shall be mine, though he
+should send a dozen admirals to thwart me.'
+
+"After some further consultation of a desultory character, the officer
+of Cossacks took his leave, and retired to a bed rendered sleepless by
+doubts and fears.
+
+"On the following morning, before he had completed his toilet, a
+servant entered the apartment to announce a visitor, followed by a
+little creature, not more than three feet in height, dressed in a
+livery of blue and silver.
+
+"'This gentleman desired to speak with you, sir, immediately,' said the
+grinning servant, pointing to the new comer, and bowing himself out of
+the room.
+
+"The minute specimen of humanity said not a word, but assumed an air of
+great consequence, and with much ceremony presented a letter. Nicholas
+could not repress a smile at the messenger's grotesque appearance, but
+his mirth sobered into surprise when he read as follows:
+
+"'NICHOLAS DIMITRI: The bearer of this missive is my servant, who will
+be of great service to both you and myself, in events about to
+transpire. Answer his questions without hesitation, and rest assured
+that Olinska shall be yours, despite the Czar and Admiral Praxin, or I
+am much mistaken. I will be present at the wedding. Your friend,
+
+                                            "'THE LITTLE MAN IN GREEN.'
+
+"The young officer dropped the note from his hand, and eyed the dwarf
+in silent amazement.
+
+"'Is that your death warrant?' asked the latter, ironically.
+
+"'Who wrote this?' demanded Nicholas.
+
+"'My master.'
+
+"'And who is your master?'
+
+"'The Little Man in Green. Ha! ha!' laughed the dwarf.
+
+"'His name? I must know his name!' exclaimed Nicholas.
+
+"The abbreviated Mercury placed a finger beside his little nose, in a
+very knowing manner, at the same time winking sagaciously.
+
+"'I can answer no such question,' he said; 'my master desires to remain
+_incog._ at present. My name is Orloff, and I wish you to answer one
+inquiry: Does the ward of the Countess Walewski have an interview with
+Admiral Praxin to-day?'
+
+"'She does.'
+
+"'That is sufficient; you will hear from me soon,' and Orloff fled
+through the open door, with a speed truly marvelous.
+
+"Nicholas called after him in vain, and then called his servant to
+dress him, with a vague apprehension of evil, and a belief that no
+lover ever had so many to assist his wooing as himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Olinska, the daughter of a noble Polish family, was deprived of her
+parents at an early age, and selected for her guardian the high-minded
+Countess Walewski. Her childish years were spent in Warsaw, the city of
+her forefathers; but the Countess was obliged to remain at St.
+Petersburg, being a member of the Czarina's household, and thither she
+called her ward, to be presented at court, and drown the memory of her
+sorrows in the gaieties of the capital.
+
+"Young, beautiful and unsophisticated, chaperoned by an illustrious
+lady, and reputed to be heiress of great wealth, the Polish maiden
+speedily became the magnet and toast of a brilliant circle, and a prize
+for which scores of young nobles contended. But the heart of Olinska
+was not to be purchased with titles, and while the scions of
+aristocracy knelt vainly at her feet, she bestowed her virgin
+affections upon Dimitri, whose silent homage defeated that of all
+others, with its proud, peculiar dignity. Military rank is esteemed by
+the Russians as little inferior to that of inheritance; yet they
+acknowledge a difference, and the line drawn between them by the usages
+of society cannot be overstepped with impunity. The young officer,
+although admitted into court circles, was aware of the distance between
+himself and the lady in a social sense; but the encouragement she gave
+him, so insensibly drew them together, that disparity of birth was
+forgotten, and love--the great leveller of conditions--reigned
+paramount.
+
+"However misanthropically a man may express his indifference to the
+world's opinion, we are all, more or less, its most subservient slaves,
+and although Nicholas Dimitri assured his idol that the gossip of
+fashionables was nothing to him, he deemed it proper to solicit the
+kind offices of the Countess, as a go-between; and apparently visited
+the guardian, when, in reality, the fair ward was the object of his
+intentions.
+
+"Peter the Great, who, at that period, occupied the throne of Russia,
+had an unpleasant habit of rewarding his bachelor friends for worthy
+deeds, with the hand of some fair maiden of his court; and, having
+beheld the Polish lady, he resolved to bestow her upon Admiral Praxin,
+who, though often regarded with suspicion by his sovereign, had lately
+rendered 'the state good service.' Olinska repulsed the old sailor's
+advances with disdain; but the Czar requested her to grant him a
+private interview, and a request from such a source being synonymous
+with a command, the lady felt obliged to grant it.
+
+"Alone she sat, in a gorgeously furnished apartment, when the Admiral
+was announced, her sable locks shading a neck and bosom that rivalled
+the snow in their whiteness, and supporting her head with a hand of
+nature's choicest modeling.
+
+"Admiral Praxin was a man in the 'sere and yellow leaf' of meridian
+life. His form was firm and upright, and his costume was that of a
+youthful courtier; but deep wrinkles tracked his brow with the
+footprints of age, and his hair had caught the snow-flakes of the
+mountain's farther side. That foretaste of eternal torments, the gout,
+had rather confused the measure of his tread, and the stout old Admiral
+entered the lady's presence with an ungraceful limp.
+
+"As he passed into the room, a little figure clad in blue and silver,
+followed him noiselessly and, with wonderful agility, darted behind a
+curtain of the window.
+
+"Olinska received her admirer with some embarrassment, which he seemed
+at first to reciprocate; but at length, after many leers and grimaces,
+his countenance assumed a determined expression, and he went directly
+to the point.
+
+"'Madam,' he said, 'you can scarcely be ignorant of the object for
+which I now visit you; nor can you feel more deeply than I the
+extremely unpleasant position in which we are both placed, by the
+desire of Peter. Aside from the duty I owe my sovereign of submitting
+entirely to his will, I have a sentiment in my heart, which, should it
+find a reflection in yours, will make me the happiest of men. My title
+and fortune are trifles; but the sentiment of love for yourself, united
+to that of loyal obedience, may, perhaps, be deemed by you as more
+powerful suitors for your hand and heart.'
+
+"'It were foolish in me to pretend to misunderstand you, my lord,'
+replied Olinska, with dignity. 'I am aware that the Czar favors your
+suit, and looks upon me as a fitting bride for one whom he delights to
+honor; but, greatly as I honor and respect both my sovereign and
+yourself, I must positively refuse obedience in this instance, and
+assume the right to act for myself. I am deeply grateful to you, my
+lord, for your intended kindness, but must, with all due respect,
+reject your offer, and close our interview.'
+
+"As she spoke, her bosom heaved with emotions boiling within, her eye
+flashed, and the right of woman to maintain her prerogative shone from
+every feature.
+
+"'Consider well, lady, before you drive me to despair by such cruelty!'
+exclaimed the Admiral, with vehemence. 'Consider what you are casting
+aside as worthless. I have influence at court beyond that of the most
+powerful; the very Czar fears to offend me, and the wife of Admiral
+Praxin will be second only to the imperial Catherine in grandeur and
+dominion. Let me hope that this is only maiden coyness, and that
+deliberation may alter your decision.'
+
+"'I will not deceive you, my lord,' responded the lady, 'by awaking
+hopes which can never be realized. My hand shall never be yielded to
+any man by compulsion, or implied claims which I do not acknowledge;
+nor do I recognize any other right than my own to dispose of it. Dwell
+upon the subject no longer, or your title to the name of friend will be
+forfeited. Allow me to retire.'
+
+"Dismay was betrayed in every lineament of the sailor's countenance, as
+he marked the firm tones in which these words were spoken; but anger
+quickly took its place as he asked, with a glance of suspicion,
+
+"'Lady, have I a rival?'
+
+"Olinska answered not, and arose to leave the apartment, when Praxin
+quickly intercepted her, and fell upon his knees.
+
+"'Olinska, you shall not leave me thus!' he exclaimed, in tones hoarse
+with excitement. 'If love will not incline you to accept me, let
+ambition do it. _I have the power to place you on the throne of
+Russia_, if you but say the word; your own countrymen, the refugees
+from Sweden, and twenty thousand discontented serfs will rise at my
+bidding; the navy is mine, and, by a wave of the hand, I can become an
+Emperor.'
+
+"With a look of the most unmitigated disdain, the lady regarded the
+supplicant at her feet.
+
+"'I will not parley longer with a _traitor_,' she said, in tones so
+cold and piercing that he involuntarily recoiled from her, and she
+walked from the apartment with a queenly air.
+
+"'I'll be revenged for this,' muttered the discarded suitor, as, with a
+frowning brow, he took his departure.
+
+"Then forth sprang Orloff from his place of concealment, with a smile
+of no ordinary magnitude distorting his little face.
+
+"'Good! and now for the Countess!' he exclaimed, following the Admiral.
+
+"Meanwhile, Nicholas had wandered about the city in a most pitiable
+state of apprehension, and was about to rush madly to the hotel of the
+Countess, when he beheld the dwarf hastening toward him, carrying a
+letter at arm's length.
+
+"'Here--from the Countess,' ejaculated Orloff, panting for breath, and
+handing him the missive. Nicholas hastily tore it open, and read:
+
+"'DEAR NICHOLAS:--Olinska has had an interview with the Admiral, and,
+from its results, I fear the worst. Have a chaise and four, at the
+private door of my hotel before sunset to-day. You may trust Orloff.
+
+                                           "'In haste,      WALEWSKI.'
+
+"'Shall I engage the conveyance?' asked the dwarf, with a grin.
+
+"'Yes! I will trust you,' replied the excited officer.
+
+"'You will find all in readiness, at the private door, by four
+o'clock!' said Orloff, and he disappeared as quickly as he came.
+
+"At the appointed hour, Nicholas repaired to the spot where a chaise
+and its attendants were awaiting him, and right speedily a muffled
+figure emerged from the private door, and touched his arm.
+
+"'Olinska, dearest Olinska.'
+
+"'Let us hasten, Nicholas, I fear we are betrayed,' answered Olinska,
+trembling in his arms.
+
+"The officer quickly placed her in the chaise, and the horses had made
+their first spring forward when a great tumult arose in the street, and
+looking forth from a window of the vehicle, Nicholas beheld, to his
+dismay, half a score of imperial cavalry galloping furiously toward him.
+
+"'Onward! onward!' he shouted to the drivers, and sank back upon his
+seat beside the fainting girl.
+
+"At the top of their speed fled the four chaise horses, making the
+vehicle bounce from the earth as though it were composed entirely of
+springs; but they were no match for the full-blooded animals of the
+cavalry, and the latter soon came up with them.
+
+"'Stop, in the name of the Czar,' said the leader, drawing his sword.
+
+"At the command, the postillions dropped their reins, and the chaise
+came to a dead halt. Then the door was burst open; and Nicholas, with a
+pistol in each hand, sprang into the road.
+
+"'Gentlemen,' he said hurriedly, 'you must allow me to proceed; the die
+is cast, and there is no turning back. Stand aside, sirs, I do not wish
+to shed your blood.'
+
+"'Colonel Dimitri,' answered the leader, 'we are sorry that such is our
+duty, but the Czar has ordered us to apprehend you and your companion;
+and carry you before him; I therefore apprehend you in the name of
+Czar.'
+
+"'This is tyranny and I will resist it to the last,' exclaimed the
+excited lover. 'I have not broken the laws, and am no political
+criminal. Why should I be treated thus? You may take me gentlemen, but
+not alive.'
+
+"'We must do our duty,' answered the other. 'Surround and disarm him,'
+he added, turning to his followers.
+
+"The soldiers approached to obey his orders, and the desperate colonel
+had levelled his weapons, when Olinska, sprang from the chaise and
+knelt upon the ground before him.
+
+"'Submit, Nicholas; for my sake submit,' she exclaimed, energetically,
+clasping her hands towards him.
+
+"Nicholas regarded her attentively for a moment, and then lowered his
+weapons.
+
+"'I am your prisoner,' he said; 'take me where you will.'
+
+"The captured pair, were returned to the vehicle, the horses' heads
+were turned, and in silence they proceeded to the palace of the Czar.
+
+"The imperial mansion was very different in those days from what it now
+is. No gaudy trappings, neither external nor internal, proclaimed the
+abode of royalty; for Peter the Great appealed to hearts, not the eyes
+of his subjects, and for the inspection of foreigners he had an army,
+unrivaled in discipline and accoutrements, by any in Europe. A small
+ante-chamber, plainly furnished, and adorned with various models of
+ships, paintings, and rude implements of warfare led into the hall of
+audience, equally unostentatious, and the imperial dining saloon, plain
+as that of an ordinary tradesman.
+
+"Into the latter apartment, Nicholas and Olinska were led by their
+captors, pale and silent, but undismayed.
+
+"A long table, bearing on its centre an immense pie, was loaded with a
+rich repast; and about it, were seated the most distinguished nobles
+and generals of the empire, and Admiral Praxin; while at its head, on
+elevated seats, appeared the Czar and Czarina.
+
+"'Ha! here are the two fugitives!' exclaimed Peter, observing the
+entrance of the party and approaching them.
+
+"Nicholas started at the sound of that voice, and looking up,
+recognized in his sovereign, _The Little Man in Green_.
+
+"'Your pardon, sire!' he exclaimed falling upon his knees, and
+remembering with the great trepidation how scurvily he had treated
+royalty in disguise.
+
+"'Arise, Colonel Dimitri,' said the Czar kindly; 'you need not think of
+what has past; I am satisfied that you are a true and loyal subject.
+But what possessed you to run away with this little rebel, man? Did you
+not know that she was affianced to Admiral Praxin?'
+
+"'Pardon me sire, I did not,' answered Nicholas.
+
+"'And you Olinska; you have disregarded our wishes, and thrown the
+gallant admiral overboard?' continued Peter, addressing the trembling
+girl, with a mixture of severity and good-nature.
+
+"Olinska bowed her head.
+
+"'What say you Praxin? Are you willing to yield your bride to the army,
+and let the navy remain a bachelor?'
+
+"The Admiral had turned all colors, at the first entrance of Olinska,
+but marking that she remained silent, he plucked up sufficient courage
+to reply.
+
+"'I cannot accept the lady's hand without her heart.'
+
+"'Did you sue for them like a man?' demanded Peter, sternly.
+
+"'I hope so, your majesty.'
+
+"'You lie, base traitor!' thundered the Czar, eyeing him with a glance
+that chilled his blood.
+
+"'Has _she_ betrayed me?' ejaculated Praxin, turning deadly pale, and
+involuntarily clutching the handle of his sword.
+
+"'No,' answered Peter in hoarse tones, 'witness, come forth.'
+
+"At that moment, the upper covering of the great pie was observed to
+move, and in another instant, it was thrown back, discovering the
+mighty Orloff, seated within the dish.
+
+"'God save the Czar!' said the dwarf, rising and stepping forth upon
+the table, with a bow of studied politeness.
+
+"'Orloff, point out the traitor,' said Peter.
+
+"Orloff assumed an air of great penetration, and pointed toward the
+Admiral, who stood alone, with his back against the wall, a perfect
+picture of despairing guilt.
+
+"'That is the man,' said the dwarf.
+
+"'Give your proof.'
+
+"'Your majesty must know, that I was present while Admiral Praxin was
+wooing the lady Olinska, and heard him say that your majesty dared not
+offend him; he also declared that she had but to say the word, and he
+would make her an Empress, explaining how he had the Poles, the Serfs,
+the Swedish refugees, and the navy at his command, ready at his bidding
+to make him Emperor of Russia.'
+
+"'What say you to this charge?' demanded Peter.
+
+"Praxin had regained somewhat of composure during the dwarf's speech;
+and at its conclusion he approached the Czar and falling upon his
+knees, surrendered his sword and belt.
+
+"'I am guilty,' he said, in firm tones. 'Take my sword, gracious
+sovereign, and with it receive back the commission I have forever
+disgraced. In a moment of ungovernable passion I spoke words which
+should have choked me ere I uttered them, and which I would give my
+life to recall. I desire no mercy; yet I would ask forgiveness of
+Olinska, for daring to breathe treason in her presence.'
+
+"'Let us both forget it,' said Olinska, gently.
+
+"'Alas _I_ can never forget it,' he replied, pressing her hands to his
+lips, and resuming his former attitude.
+
+"The Czar gazed some moments attentively and silently upon the face of
+Praxin, as though to read his inmost soul, and then turning to
+Nicholas, he said:
+
+"'Colonel Dimitri, it is but just that I should explain my conduct to
+you and Olinska, as it was by making an unconscious tool of you that I
+have ferreted this matter out. I intended that Olinska should have
+wedded the Admiral, not knowing that her affections had been given to
+another; but lately I have distrusted him and ordered a spy of the
+police to watch him closely. My agent speedily brought me news of
+_your_ engagement, and your intended course; and I resolved to throw
+myself in your way, and gain a slight knowledge of your character. You
+know how I succeeded in that attempt. I also requested Olinska to
+receive the Admiral privately, and sent Orloff to be present--though
+concealed--at the interview. The Countess Walewski was made acquainted
+with my plans, by the dwarf, and hence your presence here. As a
+punishment for an attempt to outwit me, I command that you be married
+before you leave the palace. As for you, Admiral,' he continued,
+turning to Praxin, 'in consideration of the many services you have
+rendered us, I grant you a free pardon. You have been humiliated in the
+eyes of your friends, and have failed to win a prize worthy of my best
+subject. May you learn the lesson that passion will not always excuse
+dangerous words, nor is a sovereign's leniency everlasting.'
+
+"Universal rejoicings followed this generous speech, and the victims of
+the royal whim retired from the imperial palace, married--for better or
+worse."
+
+This Russian tale sent us all home very thirsty, my boy; for its effect
+was very dry.
+
+                                            Yours, weariedly,
+                                                       ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LXXIV.
+
+  CONCERNING THE SERIOUS MISTAKE OF THE VENERABLE GAMMON, THE
+      CHAPLAIN'S POETICAL DISCOVERY, THE PROMOTION OF COMMODORE HEAD,
+      AND THE RECEPTION OF THE PRESIDENT'S PROCLAMATION BY THE
+      SOUTHERN CONFEDERACY.
+
+
+                                  WASHINGTON, D. C., October 12th, 1862.
+
+The Southern Confederacy having delayed to sue for peace, my boy, until
+the safety of Washington requires that national strategy should
+continue metaphysical hostilities, it may be as well for you and me as
+a nation to prepare for a speedy commencement of War in earnest. The
+North, my boy, has not begun to fight yet; and as the stolid centuries
+roll on, and the hoary years move one by one into the sunless solitude
+of Eternity, it becomes daily more evident that the North's actual
+putting forth of all its strength is merely a question of time. The
+giant is only just rousing from his slumbers, and nothing but his legs
+and feet appear to be thoroughly awake yet.
+
+Now, is the time, my boy, for the idiotic Confederacy to save himself,
+by returning penitently to that beneficent Government which would have
+realized the millenium at half-past two o'clock on the Fourth of July,
+1776, but for the unseemly villainy of the accursed Black Republicans,
+many of whom are shortly to be hung.
+
+That is to say, such is the opinion of the Venerable Gammon, whose
+benignant presence is believed to have proved the salvation of our
+distracted country in the Revolutionary War, though I can find nothing,
+except his protecting patriarchal deportment toward all the present
+universe, to justify the idea that he ever benefited anything. It
+soothes the human soul, my boy, to hear this Venerable man discoursing
+on the most trite subjects in tones, and with an air calculated to
+bless all created things as with a paternal benediction. Surrounded by
+a number of his idolatrous national children, and standing in front of
+Willard's the other evening, he pointed fatly to a bright star
+overhead, and says he:
+
+"That star is like our country. That star," says the Venerable Gammon,
+with a meaningless smile of angelic purity, "is like any other star on
+our flag; _though clouds may hide it in its ascending node, it is still
+knowed to be ascending_."
+
+Then everybody felt cheered with the peaceful conviction that Columbia
+was saved at last; and it's my private belief, my boy--my private
+belief, that the attached populace looked upon this good old man as the
+one who had made the star.
+
+Yet, strange as it may seem, this venerable Benefactor made a little
+mistake on Tuesday. A sportive young chap came to him with a newspaper
+in his hand, and says he: "Let me see if you can tell, my _Pater
+Patria_, what paper this article is in"--and proceeded to read the
+following high-minded editorial:
+
+                  "TREASON OF THE BLACK REPUBLICANS.
+
+"True to their foul instincts, the Greely, Cheever, and Wendell
+Phillips herd of treasonable fanatics are now accusing their 'Honest
+Old Abe' of ruining the country. It was their votes that elected the
+rail-splitter, and now they turn tail upon him and howl maledictions
+because he will not carry out their fiendish intents by erecting a
+revolutionary guillotine in every Northern town and city. That
+blasphemous mountebank, Beecher, may as well cease his treasonable
+impiety at once; for he and his Sharps'-rifle crew are responsible for
+the present bankruptcy of the whole country, and the people will yet
+hold them to strict account for every drop of blood that has been and
+will be shed in this unnatural strife."
+
+When sportive chap ceased reading, the Venerable Gammon waved his obese
+hand with the fond, familiar air of a pleased benignity, and says he:
+
+"Of course, I know what paper that is, my son. I know the ring of those
+sterling conservative sentiments," says the Venerable Gammon, with calm
+satisfaction, "and am blessed in the knowledge that our loyal New York
+Herald is still true to the Constitution and to the principles of my
+old friend, Georgey Washington--or 'old Wash,' as he permitted me to
+call him."
+
+The sportive chap softly picked his teeth with a wisp from a broom, and
+says he: "But this ain't the Herald at all, you dear old soul; it's a
+copy of the Richmond Whig!" It was at this very moment, my boy, that
+the Venerable Gammon was first attacked by that dreadful cough which
+put an end to all further conversation, and has since excited the most
+fearful apprehensions lest a bereaved country should suddenly be called
+to mourn the untimely loss of its benign idol.
+
+On Tuesday afternoon, I had a talk with the Mackerel chaplain, who had
+remained here over Sunday to administer consolation to a dying
+brigadier, and was grievously wounded in spirit to find that the
+telegraph had committed a trifling breach of spelling, and that that
+brigadier was only dyeing his hair, which had suddenly turned white in
+a single night on the strength of a rumor that there might be some
+fighting in the morning.
+
+The Mackerel chaplain, my boy, is of inestimable value to a wounded
+man, his vivid and spiritual manner of describing the celebrated Fire
+Department of the other world being a source of unspeakable comfort and
+reassurance to the sufferer. "I am afraid you have led a sinful life,
+my fellow-worm," says he to the sick Mackerel, "and can only advise you
+to buy one of these hymn-books from me, which I can afford to sell for
+six shillings."
+
+But what the chaplain talked to me about, was his discovery, at a
+village not far from Winchester, of a new
+
+                "PICCIOLA."
+
+  It was a Sergeant old and gray,
+    Well singed and bronzed from siege and pillage,
+  Went tramping in an army's wake,
+    Along the turnpike of the village.
+
+  For days and nights the winding host
+    Had through the little place been marching,
+  And ever loud the rustics cheered,
+    'Till ev'ry throat was hoarse and parching.
+
+  The Squire and Farmer, maid and dame,
+    All took the sight's electric stirring,
+  And hats were waved and staves were sung,
+    And kerchiefs white were countless whirring.
+
+  They only saw a gallant show
+    Of heroes stalwart under banners,
+  And in the fierce heroic glow,
+    'Twas theirs to yield but wild hosannahs
+
+  The Sergeant heard the shrill hurrahs,
+    Where he behind in step was keeping;
+  But glancing down beside the road
+    He saw a little maid sit weeping.
+
+  "And how is this?" he gruffly said,
+    A moment pausing to regard her;--
+  "Why weepest thou, my little chit?"--
+    And then she only cried the harder.
+
+  "And how is this, my little chit?"
+    The sturdy trooper straight repeated,
+  "When all the village cheers us on,
+    That you, in tears, apart are seated?
+
+  "We march two hundred thousand strong!
+    And that's a sight, my baby beauty,
+  To quicken silence into song
+    And glorify the soldier's duty."
+
+  "It's very, very grand, I know,"
+    The little maid gave soft replying;
+  "And Father, Mother, Brother too,
+    All say 'Hurrah' while I am crying;
+
+  "But think--O Mr. Soldier, think,
+    How many little sisters' brothers
+  Are going all away to fight
+    And may be _killed_, as well as others!"
+
+  "Why bless thee, child," the Sergeant said,
+    His brawny hands her curls caressing,
+  "'Tis left for little ones like you
+    To find that War's not all a blessing."
+
+  And "Bless thee!" once again he cried;
+    Then cleared his throat and looked indignant,
+  And marched away with wrinkled brow
+    To stop the struggling tear benignant.
+
+  And still the ringing shouts went up
+    From doorway, thatch, and fields of tillage;
+  The pall behind the standard seen
+    By one alone, of all the village.
+
+  The oak and cedar bend and writhe
+    When roars the wind through gap and braken;
+  But 'tis the tenderest reed of all
+    That trembles first when Earth is shaken.
+
+It is with infinite satisfaction, my boy, that I record the recognition
+of Commodore Head's priceless services on Duck Lake by the Secretary of
+the Navy. Our grim old son of Neptune is created Rear-Admiral, with the
+privilege of snubbing gunboat captains, receiving serenades, attending
+launches, and lavishing untold scorn upon the feeble imitations of
+affrighted Europe.
+
+Hence, there would appear to be an imperative demand in current
+literature for an authoritative
+
+                        SKETCH OF COMMODORE HEAD.
+
+This venerable ornament of our peerless naval service, to whom the eyes
+of the whole world are now directed, was born of one of his parents at
+an early period of his existence, and has since incurred the years
+temporarily elapsing between that epoch and the present auspicious
+occasion. The subject of our brief biography entered the navy when he
+was only fifty years old, as commander of the Mackerel iron-plated
+squadron on Duck Lake, where he became widely noted for success in
+fishing, as well as for his skill in eluding vessels running the
+blockade. At one time, indeed, he came very near capturing a
+Confederate ram, being only prevented by failing to find the key of the
+box containing his spectacles in time to reconnoiter the wily foe.
+Commodore Head's conversation concerning the speedy capture of
+Vicksburg, Charleston, Savannah and Mobile, is instructive to all
+minds, and his promotion is an event calculated to prove that the war
+is about to begin in earnest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Rear-Admirals, my boy, are an aristocratic institution; and their
+creation must serve to convince besotted Europe, that in making a naval
+distinction between rank and file, our discriminating Government knows
+how to compromise matters by bestowing a new rank upon an old file.
+
+It was on Wednesday that my architectural steed, the Gothic Pegasus,
+renewed his usual weekly journey to desolated Accomac, cheerfully
+conveying me thither at a speed that did not keep the same roadside
+house in view more than half an hour at a time. Having hitched the
+funereal stallion to a copy of Senator Sumner's recent Faneuil Hall
+speech, believing that document sufficiently heavy to hold him, I gave
+him a discarded straw-hat of mine for his dinner, and strolled into the
+Mackerel camp.
+
+To the everlasting disgrace of our rulers be it said, my boy, I found
+the devoted Mackerel Brigade progressing toward deep suffering at a
+rate which made me thank Heaven that I owned no chickens within sight
+of the harrowing scene. Being thoughtlessly supplied with three days'
+rations at a time, these neglected martyrs incur all the perils of
+suffocation and cruel nightmare by doing nothing on the first day but
+eat from morning till night, what is left over at midnight being used
+to pelt each other with. Then for two whole days these gallant men who
+are fighting our battles find famine staring them in the face, and I
+actually heard one emaciated Mackerel chap offering a whole week's pay
+to another Mackerel chap for a Confederate cracker which he had picked
+up in a field, wishing to consign that cracker to his friends at home
+as a sample of the unnatural food with which an ungrateful Republic
+feeds its faithful soldiers. I even found many Mackerels without
+knapsacks and blankets, which they had lost in adventures at "Old
+Sledge"; and there was that in the countenances of others which sured
+me that their poor faces had not been washed since the commencement of
+the war!
+
+My soul turns sick at these things, my boy, and they even have an
+effect upon a beholder's stomach. To think that our noble volunteers,
+our country's preservers, should be subjected to sufferings in which
+they have not even the poor consolation of knowing that somebody else
+than themselves is responsible therefor.
+
+Reflectively I turned from the scene of agony, and had rambled some
+fifteen minutes in an adjacent bit of woods, when the sound of voices
+near by made me stop short behind a tree and peer eagerly through an
+opening in the nearest thicket.
+
+Seated just beyond some evergreen bushes were four dilapidated
+Confederacies, solemnly discussing the great Emancipation Proclamation
+of our Honest Abe; whilst close by them, and astride of a mossy stone,
+was the accomplished swordsman, Captain Munchausen, frantically, and
+with many hiccups, endeavoring at one and the same time to catch a
+phantom fly and maintain his equestrian position.
+
+One of the Confederacies took a bite from a cold potato which he held
+in his hand, and, says he:
+
+"I reckon that it's near time for the unsubjugated South to adopt
+Retaliatory measures, and proclaim that all prisoners hereafter taken
+by the Confederacy shall be previously shot and made into
+bone-ornaments."
+
+Here Captain Munchausen burst into an unseemly peal of laughter as he
+made another wild clutch at the phantom-fly, and says he:
+
+"Wher--where's Mary's--ary's--snuff-box?"
+
+Not perceiving that this special remark was relevant to the question in
+view, a second Confederacy merely tightened the string which held his
+inexpressibles in place, and, says he:
+
+"What has been proposed by the Honorable Gentleman from the Alms House
+is not sufficiently severe. No mercy should be shown to the Washington
+demon, and I move that any Federal soldiers found disturbing a
+Confederacy during the progress of a battle shall be at once executed
+for arson."
+
+The impression created by this motion extended even to Captain
+Munchausen, who fell flat on his face in a frantic attempt to catch the
+spectral insect, and exclaimed, in tones of awful solemnity:
+
+"I don't want (hic) to be marri--ry--arried--Hic!"
+
+After a moment's pause, the third Confederacy finished buttoning his
+coat with a bit of corn-cob, and says he:
+
+"I move that the last Resolution be amended, to make it a capital crime
+for any person whatever to be guilty of Federal extraction."
+
+Now, it chanced, my boy, that there was a Mackerel picket eating a
+confiscated watermelon in a clump of bushes close behind me; and just
+at this crisis of the debate, he casually tossed a piece of the rind in
+the direction of the Confederacies. It happened to fall in their midst,
+whereupon the enraged statesmen were seized with great tremblings, and
+immediately skedaddled in all directions, the last being Captain
+Munchausen, who at first endeavored to carry a rock of some hundred
+pounds' weight away with him, and ultimately retreated in a
+highly-circuitous manner, with an expression of abject despair under
+his cap.
+
+It is said, my boy, that the celebrated Confederacy will resent the
+Proclamation by raising the Black Flag. It is a common belief, that if
+such be the case, it will be the duty of our generals to raise the
+blacks without flagging.
+
+                                     Yours, if it come to that,
+                                                       ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LXXV.
+
+  SETTING FORTH THE FALSE AND TRUE ASPECTS OF BEAMING OLD AGE
+      RESPECTIVELY, AND SHOWING HOW THE UNBLUSHING CONFEDERACY MADE
+      ANOTHER RAID.
+
+
+                                  WASHINGTON, D. C., October 19th, 1862.
+
+It is a beautiful and improving thing, my boy, to see the wise and
+polished mob of a great nation paying unmitigated reverence to fussy
+gray hairs, and much shirt collar; and hence I never grew tired of
+considering the dignified case of the Venerable Gammon, whom everybody
+regards as the benign paternal relative of his country. When I see
+Generals, Senators, and other proprietors of Government property,
+hanging breathlessly upon the words of this sublime old man, just as
+though such words were so many gallows, I feel the cause of Justice
+typified to my mind's eye, and am myself enthusiastic enough to believe
+that hanging is too good for them. Whether at Willard's, the White
+House, the Capitol, or in his native Mugville, the Venerable Gammon is
+ever the same beneficent being, beaming blandly upon the whole universe
+from above his ruffles, and paternally permitting it to exist in his
+presence.
+
+The precise thing he has done in his fearfully long lifetime, my boy,
+to beget such an agony of love and worship from everybody, has not yet
+come to the immediate knowledge of anybody; but he is the moss-grown
+oracle of the United States of America, and it gives me unspeakable
+satisfaction to reproduce as follows, his benign letter of advice to
+the idolized General of the Mackerel Brigade:
+
+                                               MUGVILLE, July 4, 1776.
+
+DEAR SIRRAH,--Justly regarding you as the next President of the United
+States, and an honored successor of my old friend, Georgey Washington,
+I deem it proper, by reason of my great importance and infirmities, to
+repeat in writing with a pen what I have before spoken to you with my
+tongue--this supplement to my printed views (dated April the First) on
+the highly inflamed condition of our glorious and distracted Union.
+
+To meet the expectations of a populace admiring my venerable shape, I
+deem it consistent with my retiring modesty and infirmities to dictate
+to you the four plans you may pursue by way of making yourself
+President of our distracted Commonwealth in 1865.
+
+I.--Throw off the old and assume a new designation--the sly old party;
+give the South entire control of the whole country, and, my wig upon
+it, we shall have no secession; but, on the contrary, an early return
+of the entire Confederacy to Washington. Without some equally benignant
+measure, we shall be compelled to fight all the Border States and put
+them down at once, instead of keeping two hundred thousand soldiers
+peaceably employed in making their loyalty continually sure.
+
+II.--Collect the war taxes outside of the States where the tax-payers
+live, or declare upon paper that they are already collected.
+
+III.--Conquer the seceded States by the unheard-of agency of an actual
+army. I think this might be done in a few hundred years by a young and
+able general to be found on some railroad, with six hundred thousand
+disciplined spades. Estimating a third of this number to remain for
+ever stationary on the Potomac, and a loss of a still greater number by
+consummate strategy and changings of base. The loss of chickens and
+contrabands on the other side would be frightful, however great the
+morality of the mudsills.
+
+This conquest would cost money that might otherwise go to beautify the
+South, secure fifteen swearing and deeply-offended provinces, and be
+immediately followed by a new election for President in 1865.
+
+IV.--Say to the Seceded States, in one of which I own some mortgages:
+"_How are you, Southern Confederacy?_"
+
+                 Deliberately, I remain,
+                              Your father and the country's,
+                                                  V. GAMMON.
+
+This touching letter, my boy, I recommend to your most prayerful
+consideration, as a paternal outpouring of shirt-collared old age.
+
+Old age! how beautiful art thou in the glory of thy spectacles, and the
+sublime largeness of thy stomach and manner. And yet, would you believe
+it, my boy? I am sometimes possessed of great doubtings as to the
+genuineness of that majesty which makes a continually-looming Venerable
+Shape such a great blessing to an imperiled land. Sometimes there comes
+to me a rickety vision of:
+
+          AGE BLUNTLY CONSIDERED.
+
+  As Age advances, ails and aches attend,
+  Backs builded broadest burdensomely bend;
+  Cuttingly cruel comes consuming Care,
+  Dealing delusions, drivelry, despair.
+
+  Empty endeavor enervately ends,
+  Fancy forlornly feigns forgotten friends;
+  Gout, grimly griping, gluttonously great,
+  Hasten's humanity's hard-hearted hate.
+
+  Intentions imbecile invent ideas
+  Justly jocunding jolly jokers' jeers:
+  Knowledge--keen kingdom knurlyably known--
+  Lingers, lamenting life's long lasting loan,
+
+  Mammonly mumming, magnifying motes,
+  Nurtures numb Nature's narrowest nursery notes,
+  Opens old age's odious offering out--
+  Peevish punctilio, parrot-pining pout.
+
+  Qualmishly querrying, quarrelsomely quaint,
+  Rousing rife ridicules' repealed restraint;
+  Speaking soft silliness--such shallow show
+  That tottering toysters, tickled, titter too.
+
+  Useless, ungainly unbeloved, unblest,
+  Virtue's vague visor, vice's veiling vest,
+  Wheezingly whimpering, wanting wisdom, wit,
+  Xistence, Xigent, Xclaims--Xit!
+
+  Youths, you're yelept youth's youngest; yet you'll
+  Zestless zig-zaggers zanyable zealed.
+
+I exhibited that pleasing little poem to a Mackerel chap, who
+stuttered, my boy; and he came so near going into apoplexy through his
+endeavors to read it, that I was obliged to make a joke, in order that
+he might smile, relax, and recover.
+
+And now let your mind fly, like a wearied dove, to the celebrated
+Arcadian scenes of festive Accomac, where the Mackerel Brigade
+continues to reconnoitre in force, and awaits the death of the
+Confederacy by old age. Men, my boy, who entered this strategic war in
+the full bloom of youth, now go with stooping shoulders and tottering
+gait when they have a barrel of flour to carry, and the bloom has
+departed from every part of them save the extreme tip of that handle of
+the human countenance which first meets the edge of an open door in the
+dark. Even the Mackerel brass-band begins to grow feeble, often making
+pitiable attempts to execute stirring strains on his night key bugle,
+as though unconscious that by long disuse in his pocket it had become
+clogged with bread and cheese.
+
+There is, on the Southern border of Accomac, my boy, a solitary house,
+containing furniture and the necessaries of life, which the Conic
+Section of the Mackerel Brigade had been ordered to guard. It stands
+immediately on the verdant banks of Awlkwyet River, where that stream
+must be at least ten inches deep; and as the first regular bridge is
+ten miles below it, of course the Conic Section, to guard the house,
+was placed at the end of that bridge--it being a principle of national
+strategy never to recognize any Confederate raid not made across a
+regular bridge.
+
+Now it chanced, that while the Conic Section at the bridge was taking a
+short nap, having been up very late the night before; and while the
+beloved General of the Mackerel Brigade was visiting a portion of his
+beautiful home-circle in Paris, that a very dirty Confederacy, riding
+in a seedy go-cart, made his appearance on the bank of the river
+opposite the house, and commenced to make a raid right through the
+water to the shore this side. His geometrical steed wet his feet
+thereby, and the wheels of his squeaking vehicle were damped by this
+barbarian way of offering irregular opposition to the Government; but
+what cared he for the rules of civilized warfare, which are the only
+authorized West Point editions? Like all his infatuated countrymen, he
+was rendered less than strategic by the demon of Secession, and he
+crossed by the unmilitary ford instead of by the military bridge.
+
+This is, indeed, heart-sickening.
+
+There was a Mackerel chap who slept in the house to take care of a
+large black bottle, and when he heard the go-cart driving up before the
+door, he stuck his head out of the window, and says he:
+
+"What is it which you would have in these irregular proceedings, Mr.
+Stuart?"
+
+The Confederacy dismounted from his chariot, tied a bag of oats over
+his charger's head, and says he:
+
+"I'm making a raid."
+
+The Mackerel waved his hand southward, and says he:
+
+"You'll find the bridge just below. Don't stay here," says the
+Mackerel, earnestly, "or you'll exasperate the North to fury."
+
+Here the Confederacy made some remark in which the name of the North
+and a profane expletive were connected very closely, and proceeded to
+bring from the house a hobby-horse which stood in the hall. After
+placing this valuable article in his go-cart, he next brought out a
+cooking-stove; closely following this with some chairs, a dining-table,
+two feather beds, a tea-set, four wine-glasses and some tumblers, a
+looking-glass, four sheets, two cottage bedsteads, a Brussels carpet,
+and a Maltese cat. With these and a few other exceptions, my boy, he
+made no attempt to disturb private property; thereby proving that the
+President's Proclamation has already produced a wholesome effect in the
+degenerate South.
+
+While this was going on, the vigilant Mackerel guard descended
+privately from a back window, and made a forced march to where the
+Conic Section were watching something which looked like a man in the
+Southern horizon--instantly making known the audacious raid of the
+thieving Confederacy, and asking whether the new levies of the
+Executive's last call were likely to arrive early enough to take
+measures for the prevention of the capture of Washington.
+
+While the question was in debate, my boy, the beloved General of the
+Mackerel Brigade arrived with his trunk and umbrella from Paris, and
+having caused it to be telegraphed to all the reliable morning journals
+that the Confederacy were now in a fair way to be captured alive, he at
+once took measures to cut off the retreat of the latter. Captain
+Villiam Brown, with Company 3, Regiment 5, was at once ordered to
+construct a pontoon bridge across the river some miles below, and watch
+it vigilantly day and night; Captain Bob Shorty and Colonel Wobert
+Wobinson, with the Anatomical Cavalry, were dispatched to take
+possession of a railroad leading to Manassas; whilst Captain Samyule
+Sa-mith with the balance of the Conic Section, was commanded to make a
+detour of three hundred miles, and endeavor to reach the invaded house
+before midwinter set in.
+
+All these movements were in accordance with profound strategy, my boy,
+and cut off the Confederacy from retreat by every route in the world,
+except the insignificant one he came by.
+
+Satisfied that the war was going to end in about sixty days, after
+which we should have time to defeat combined Europe, the Mackerel guard
+hastened back to the domicil, which he reached just in time to find the
+Confederacy topping his go-cart with some kindling-wood from the cellar.
+
+I regret to say, my boy--I blush for my species as I make the
+incredible revelation--that upon receiving the information of his
+surrounding and probable strategic capture by the vigilant Mackerel
+Brigade, the irreverent Confederacy burst into a hideous horse-laugh,
+and at once proceeded to appropriate the poor Mackerel chap's own shoes
+and stockings. With the deepest horror I record, that he also tweaked
+the Mackerel's nose.
+
+"I did not intend this as a permanent invasion," says the impious
+Confederacy, as he remounted his go-cart and turned his geometrical
+Arabian toward the water again; "but I have just married a daughter of
+South Carolina--one of two twins--and reckoned that I needed some
+things to set up housekeeping. Farewell, foul Hessian," says the
+Confederacy, as he splashed through the water to the opposite
+bank--"fare thee well, and tell your fiendish ruler, that it is
+somewhat impossible to conquer the sunny South."
+
+The Mackerel chap gazed thoughtfully after the go-cart as it
+disappeared on the other side of the balmy Awlkwyet stream, and says
+he: "Rail on, my erring brother; but if you'd only stayed here one more
+week, you might not have escaped thus for seven whole days. Had the
+army been insufficient to secure you," says the Mackerel to himself,
+"had the army been insufficient to secure you, why, there's the police."
+
+Raids, my boy, are so intrinsically irregular in their character, that
+no provision can be made for them in a regular army; hence they are
+sometimes necessitated to take provisions for themselves as they go on.
+
+                                           Yours, radiantly,
+                                                       ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                             LETTER LXXVI.
+
+  REFERRING TO THE MOSQUITO AS A TEST OF HUMAN NATURE, EXPLAINING THE
+      LONG HALT OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE, AND NOTING THE COURT OF
+      INQUIRY ON CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN.
+
+
+                                  WASHINGTON, D. C., October 26th, 1862.
+
+Early this morning, my boy, I sauntered across the Long Bridge and took
+my seat upon the topmost rail of a fence enclosing a trampled meadow.
+There I sat, like Marius, my boy, contemplating the architectural ruin
+embodied in my Gothic steed, Pegasus, and ever and anon whistling
+abstractedly to my frescoed dog, Bologna.
+
+By the gods! I really love these dumb friends of mine. The speculative
+eye of the world sees in poor Pegasus nothing more than an
+architectural dream--the church architecture of the future--and, I must
+confess, my boy, that the Gothic charger _does_ look something like a
+skeleton chapel at a distance; it sees in Bologna only a mongrel cur,
+whose taste for the calves of human legs is an epicurean outrage on
+walking society. But for me, my boy, there is a human pathos in the
+patient fidelity of these zoological curiosities which appeals to my
+best manhood. I have had a hard and thankless life of it; my experience
+with the knowing political chaps of the Sixth Ward was enough to grind
+everything like human tenderness out of my nature, and make me turn
+into an arrogant and contemptuous misanthrope; but there are times when
+the cold nose of Pegasus against my cheek, or a wag from that speaking
+tail of Bologna--which curls up behind him like a note of
+interrogation, to ask how his master feels--will give me such a
+sensation of wishing to protect and be kind to the Helpless, that I
+feel myself a better man for the practical Christianity of such humble
+society.
+
+There is my mosquito, the youthful Humboldt, too! He came to me one
+night, about two years ago, my boy, practising much profound strategy
+to capture my nose; and when I foiled him by a free use of both arms of
+the service, the unterrified and humming manner in which he changed the
+base of his operations and came on again, excited my admiration and
+respect. Catching him in a little net cage made from the musquito bars
+of my bed, I kept him safely by me, and now use him as a test of human
+nature. In God's providence, each minute created thing has its
+appointed use, my boy, and depend upon it, the use of the musquito is
+to test human nature.
+
+There was a veteran political chap from Albany called upon me last
+Sunday night. A sage and aged chap of infinite vest, who wears the
+broad-brimmed hat of reticent respectability, and nestles in much
+shirt-collar like a centuried owl. Having taken a pinch of snuff after
+the dirty manner of a Gentleman of the Old School, he merely paused to
+take a hasty glance at the plan for the next Senatorial election in his
+note book, and then says he:
+
+"I'm grievously dis'pointed, yea, piteously vexed, to see the partisan
+spirit raging so furiously in State elections, at a time when an
+expiring country calls upon all her sons, irrespective of party, to
+join hands in the great work of saving her. Why cannot these turbulent
+denouncers of each other be like me, who recognize no division of party
+in this national crisis? I would have a union of all men to vote for
+the one great ticket of my choice; and even the democrat I would
+recognize as a fellow being in such a case."
+
+I suspected this grievous old chap to be a hypocrite, my boy, and I
+managed to let Humboldt free from his cage for the purpose of testing
+him. As the aged chap commenced to get warm, Humboldt began to make
+raids round his sagacious head, and with divers slaps in the air, the
+aged chap waxed spirited, and says he;
+
+"Pshoo! pshoo!--As I was saying, we should all strive to conciliate our
+political adversaries--pshoo! and endeavor to promote a spirit of unity
+even with the most disaffected peace men--pshoo, you beast!--and not
+act like Greeley and Wendell Phillips, and Beecher--confound it,
+pshoo!--and other infernal fanatics; who, by their indiscreet,
+imprudent--curse it, pshoo!--and infernal, God-forsaken niggerism, are
+wounding the tenderest feelings--thunder and lightning, pshoo!--and
+rousing the hellish passions of really good democrats, who thereby make
+capital from their sadly mistaken--blazes and blue lightning,
+pshoo!--and devilish craziness, which is unfortunately confusing--good
+heavens, pshoo, pshoo!--and damning their own party, and knocking
+thunder out of the gubernatorial canvass; besides--besides--"
+
+Here this aged chap made a flying leap at Humboldt, missed his aim, and
+then dashed madly from the room.
+
+Depend upon it, my boy, a musquito is a great test of human nature. The
+little chap operates like an outside conscience, and brings the real
+thing to the surface.
+
+Why does not the Mackerel Brigade advance?
+
+This, my boy, is the question of the hour. For what do our heroes wait?
+Is it for india-rubbers, or umbrellas, or fine-tooth combs? No! be not
+deceived: it is for none of these.
+
+Hem! The fact is, my boy, many respectable though married Mackerels
+entered the army of the Accomac when they were in the prime of life;
+and as old age steals softly upon them, as the seasons and the bases of
+operations run through their changes, and year succeeds year, the
+eye-sight of many of them waxes dim, and fails in the process of
+Nature. I know some thousands of Mackerels, my boy, who are already so
+blind that they have not seen a rebel for six months; and hence, no
+advance-movement can be judiciously made until the brigade is supplied
+with spectacles. Without these, the idolized General of the Mackerel
+Brigade will not do anything until he gets ready. It was the want of
+these, as I now discover, that prevented our troops seeing the Southern
+Confederacy when he made his late raid across Awlkwyet River. Let the
+spectacles be at once procured, my boy; or an indignant and bleeding
+nation will at once demand a change in the Cabinet.
+
+Company 3, Regiment 5, is the only Company yet fitted with glasses, and
+was therefore selected to make a reconnoissance toward Paris, under
+Colonel Wobert Wobinson, on Tuesday afternoon, for the purpose of
+discovering whether the Confederacies there were very tired of waiting
+yet. Glaring through their spectacles, these gallant beings advanced
+until they met a Parrot shell going the other way, and then returned
+with hasty discipline, bringing with them a captured contraband, who
+was so anxious to remain in their company that he actually ran very
+fast.
+
+Upon regaining the camp in Accomac, my boy, the colonel had the
+intelligent contraband brought before him, and says he:
+
+"If I mistake not, friend Africa, you were escaping from the bonds of
+oppression when we took you?"
+
+The intelligent contraband shifted a silver soup-ladle from one pocket
+to the other, and says he:
+
+"Yes, mars'r colonel, I hab left my ole mars'r for de good of his
+bressed soul." Here the attached bondman sniffed and shook his head.
+
+"Are you pious?" says Colonel Wobinson, much affected by such an
+example of humble devotion.
+
+"Yes, mars'r I is dat," says the fond creature, wiping his brow with a
+silk vest from his dress-coat pocket, "and I wished to save my ole
+mars'r from de sin of de wicked. I know dat it was wrong for him to own
+niggas, and dat he was more sinful de more he done it. And I run away,
+Mars'r Colonel, to save dat ole man's bressum soul from any more dam."
+
+Colonel Wobinson took off his spectacles in order that the steam from
+his tears might not dim them, and says he:
+
+"I had not looked for this in one so black. Leave those silver spoons
+with me, friend Africa, and I will send them to my wife. Sergeant,
+convey this dark being, who has taught us all such a lesson of
+self-sacrifice, to the chaplain; and tell the chaplain to look out for
+his pocket."
+
+How beautiful is it, my boy, to see in the uncouth, unlettered slave, a
+spirit of piety so shiningly practical. When I beheld the brutalized
+bondman evince such signs of religion, I am reminded of those tender
+and precocious little babes, who sometimes delight their mothers with
+exalted utterances of the like, and am inclined to believe that one
+knows just as much about it as the other does.
+
+It pains me to say, my boy, that Captain Villiam Brown so far forgot
+himself on Wednesday, upon discovering the non-arrival of the
+spectacles, that he used language of an incendiary description against
+the beloved General of the Mackerel Brigade, thereby proving himself to
+be one of those crazy fanatics who are trying to ruin our distracted
+country. He said, my boy, that the adored General of the Mackerel
+Brigade was a dead-beat, and furthermore observed that he would be very
+sorry to take his word.
+
+Such language could not pass unnoticed, and a Court of Inquiry,
+composed of Captains Bob Shorty, Samyule Sa-mith, and Colonel Wobert
+Wobinson, was instantly called. The Court had a decanter and tumbler
+only, to aid its deliberations, it being determined by the War
+Department that no fact which could be detected even by the aid of a
+glass, should go uninspected.
+
+Villiam having been summoned to the presence, Samyule declared the
+Court in session, and says he:
+
+"The sad duty has become ours, to investigate certain charges against a
+brother in arms which has heretofore been the mirror of chivalry. It is
+specified against him:
+
+"'_First_--That said Captain Villiam Brown, Eskevire, did affirm,
+declare, avow, testify, and articulate, with his tongue, licker, and
+organ of speech, that the General of the Mackerel Brigade was a
+dead-beat.
+
+"'_Second_--That aforesaid Captain Villiam Brown, Eskevire, did
+proclaim, utter, enunciate, fulminate and swear, that he would not take
+the word of the General of the Mackerel Brigade.'
+
+"What has the culprit to say to these charges? Did he say that our
+idolized Commander was a dead-beat?"
+
+Villiam smiled calmly, and says he: "The chaste remark exactly fits the
+orifice of my lips."
+
+"Confine yourself to English," says Colonel Wobinson, majestically.
+"What do you mean by the observation?"
+
+"Why," says Villiam, pleasantly, "I meant, that before he was beaten he
+must be dead. And after death, you know," says Villiam, reaching one
+hand abstractedly toward the decanter, "after death, you know, we must
+all _b'eaten_ by worms."
+
+This explanation, my boy, was satisfactory, and conveyed a grave moral
+lesson; but the court felt convinced that the second charge could
+not be thus simply answered.
+
+Captain Samyule Sa-mith set down the tumbler for a moment, and says he:
+
+"You're not guilty on the first count, Villiam; but didn't you say that
+you wouldn't take the word of the General of the Mackerel Brigade?"
+
+"Which I did," says Villiam.
+
+"And what excuse have you to offer, my trooper?" says Captain Bob
+Shorty, pointing the question with his spoon.
+
+"Is the general a gentleman?" says Villiam, searchingly.
+
+The court believed him to be such.
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, "then if he's a gentleman, he always _keeps_ his
+word, and of course it is impossible to _take_ it."
+
+Verdict of "not guilty, with a recommendation to mercy."
+
+Courts of Inquiry, my boy, are calculated to draw out the rich humor of
+military character, and are equally useful and appropriate with all
+other jokes, in times of devastating war.
+
+                                             Yours, smilingly,
+                                                       ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LXXVII.
+
+  SHOWING WHAT EFFECT DEMOCRATIC TRIUMPHS HAVE UPON THE PRESIDENT,
+      NOTING OUR CORRESPONDENT'S STRANGE MISTAKE ABOUT A BRITISH
+      FLAG, AND INDICATING THE STRAGETIC ADVANCE OF THE MACKEREL
+      BRIGADE.
+
+
+                                 WASHINGTON, D. C., November 7th, 1862.
+
+The late election in New York, my boy, has electrified everybody except
+our Honest Abe, who still goes about smiling, like a long and amiable
+sexton, and continues to save our distracted country after the manner
+of an honest man. On Tuesday night, a high moral Democratic chap, of
+much watch-seal, who had just received a dispatch all about the
+election, went to see the Honest Abe, for the express purpose of
+telling him that the Democratic party had been born again, and was on
+the point of protesting against everything whatsoever, except the
+Constitution of our forefathers. He found the Honest Abe cracking some
+walnuts before the fire, my boy, and says he:
+
+"The celebrated Democratic organization, of which I am Assistant
+Engineer, has carried the State of New York in a manner impossible to
+express, and will now proceed to demand of you a vigorous prosecution
+of that unnatural strife in which are involved our lives, our
+liberties, and the pursuit of happiness. We admire to see your harmless
+honesty," says the chap, blandly, "and we believe you to be a fresh
+egg; but we protest against the arbitrary arrest of men which is
+patriots, only conservatively Democratic; and we insist upon a vigorous
+prosecution of Constitutional hostilities against our misguided
+brothers who are now offering irregular opposition to the Government."
+
+The Honest Abe cracked a walnut, and says he: "You say, neighbor, that
+the organization still insists upon a vigorous prosecution of the war?"
+
+The Democratic chap sliced a toothpick from the arm of the chair with
+his knife, and says he: "That is the present platform on which we are
+_E pluribus unum_."
+
+"Well," says the Honest Abe, "I believe that you mean well; but am
+reminded of a little story.
+
+"When I was practicing law out in Illinois," says the Honest Abe,
+twisting the bow of his black necktie around from under his left ear,
+"there was an old cock, with two sons, living near me in a tumble-down
+old shanty. He lived there until half his roof blew off one windy
+night, and then he concluded to move to a new house, where the chimney
+didn't take up all the upper story. On the day when he moved, he'd got
+most all his traps changed to the other residence, and had sent one of
+his sons to see that they were all got safely indoors, when suddenly a
+shower commenced to come up. The old man and his other offspring, who
+had stayed to hurry him, were taking up a carpet from the floor at the
+time the first dose of thunder cracked, and the offspring says he,
+'Hurry up, old crazy-bones, or we'll be ketched in the freshet before
+you get up this here rich fabric.' The stern parent heeded the
+admonition, and went ripping away the carpet around the edges of the
+room, until he came near where the offspring was standing, and there it
+stuck. He pulled, but it wouldn't come, and he says, says he: ''Pears
+to me that dod-rotted tack must be a tenpenny nail--it holds on so.'
+You see, the old screw was very blind without his specs," says the
+Honest Abe, buttoning his vest askew, "and he couldn't see just where
+the tack was. Another peal of thunder at this moment made the irascible
+offspring still madder, and he says, says he: 'You misabul old cripple,
+if you don't hurry up we'll be ketched, I tell you!' As he made this
+dutiful remark he went stamping to the window, and at the same moment
+the cantankerous tack came out, and the aged parent went over on his
+back with the carpet up to his chin. He got up and dusted, and says he:
+'Well, now, that _is_ cur'ous--how suddent it went.' Then he proceeded
+to rip away again, until it came near the window, and there it stuck
+once more. The wild offspring saw him tugging again, and it made him so
+wrathy that he says, says he: 'Why in thunder didn't you take the nails
+out first, you crooked old sinner, you? It's enough to make me weep
+afresh for the old woman, to see how you--' But he didn't finish his
+observation; for, as he walked toward where the hammer lay, the tack
+came out, and the old 'un went to bed again under the carpet. Up sprang
+the sad parent, spitting rags, and he says, says he: 'Well now, how
+cur'ous--to think it should come so suddent!' Still on he went, until
+the carpet was all up from around the edges; but when he tried to draw
+it away on his shoulder, it was fast somewheres yet. R-r-rum-bum-boom!
+went the thunder; and says the infuriated offspring, says he: 'Well, I
+never did see such a blundering old dad as you be. We'll be ketched in
+the rain as sure as grasshoppers; and all because you didn't take my
+advice about the hammer in the first place.' The poor old 'un tugged,
+and pulled, and panted, and says he: 'Well, now, it _is_ cur'ous, I
+swun to massey. There can't be no tacks way out in the middle of the
+floor here, can they?' To make sure, the old blind-pate was going down
+on his knees to take a mouse-eye view, when all of a sudden he gave a
+start, and he says, says he: 'Why, 'pears to me, Sammy, _you're
+standin' on the carpet yourself!_' And so he was--so he was," says the
+Honest Abe, smiling into the fire, "and that was the why the carpet had
+stuck fast in so many places."
+
+"Now," says the Honest Abe, poking the Democratic chap in the ribs with
+his knuckles; "if your organization wants me to move vigorously in this
+war, tell them not to be standing on my carpet all the time. Otherwise,
+I must still keep tacking about."
+
+The Democratic chap had been slowly rising from his chair as this small
+moral tale drew toward its exciting conclusion, and at the last word he
+fled the apartment with quivering watch-seal.
+
+Our President, my boy, has a tale for every emergency, as a rat-trap
+has an emergency for every tail.
+
+It was on the morning of this same day, that I had a pleasing
+conversation on the state of our foreign relations with a phlegmatic
+British chap connected with the English Ministry, who is remaining here
+for the purpose of beholding anarchy in the North, which he has been
+requested to immediately communicate to one of Great Britain's morning
+journals. We were taking Richmond together at Willard's, my boy, and
+had just been speaking of the English Southern pirate "Alabama" in
+terms of neutrality, when suddenly the phlegmatic chap drew a roll of
+silk from one of his pockets, fastened it to his cane, unfurled it
+before my eyes, and says he:
+
+"By the way, sir, 'ow do you like this ere h'original h'idea of mine?
+Do you see what it is?"
+
+"Yes, friend Bifstek," says I, Frenchily, "that is indeed the Black
+Flag."
+
+The chap turned very red in the face, my boy, and says he: "The Black
+Flag! what a 'orrible h'idea! You must be thinking of the h'Alabama.
+What h'induces you to suppose such a thing!"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Why," says I, "there's the Skull and Crossbones plain enough."
+
+"Skull and Crossbones!!" says he, "why, that's the beautiful Hinglish
+crest--a crown and sceptres; and this is my new h'original design, ye
+know, for a new Hinglish Revenue Flag."
+
+It was then, my boy, that I discovered my error, and apologized for my
+obliquity of vision. It was strange, indeed, that I should mistake for
+a skull the insignia of royalty, even though a crown is not
+unfrequently found identified with a numskull.
+
+On the same Tuesday, my boy, there was a small election in a town just
+this side of Accomac, and I went down there early in the morning, to
+the office of the excellent independent evening journal, that I might
+see the returns as soon as they came in. The editor was talking to two
+chaps--a Republican and a Democrat--and, says he:
+
+"The organ which my humble talents keep a-going is strictly
+independent, and I have no choice of candidates. I care only for my
+country, one and individual," says the editor, touchingly, "and can
+make no arbitrary discrimination of mere parties; but as you both
+advertise your tickets in my moral journal, a sense of duty may induce
+me to favor the side whose advertisement weighs the most."
+
+After this gentle insinuation, my boy, each chap hastily commenced to
+write his advertisement. The Republican inscribed his upon a _very_
+heavy piece of brown wrapping-paper to make it weighty; but the
+Democrat selected a plain bit of foolscap, only putting in a
+hundred-dollar Treasury Note, to keep it from blotting.
+
+When the editor came to look at the two, he coughed slightly, and says
+he: "I have always been a Democrat."
+
+"But my advertisement certainly weighs the most," says the Republican
+chap, hotly.
+
+The editor ate a chestnut, and says he: "Not in an intellectual sense,
+my friend."
+
+"My paper is twice as heavy as his," says the chap; "and as to the
+Treasury Note, I had some scruples--"
+
+"There!" says the editor, interruptingly, "you tell the whole story, my
+friend. In the temple of a free and reliable press, as well as
+elsewhere, some scruples bear very little proportion in weight to one
+hundredweight."
+
+The American press, my boy, might occasionally adopt as an appropriate
+motto, the present Napoleon's observation, that "_L'Empire c'est la_
+PAY."
+
+Turning from intellectual matters, let me glance at our country's hope
+and pride, the Mackerel Brigade, each member of whom feels confident of
+ultimately crushing out this hideous Rebellion as soon as national
+strategy shall have revealed the present whereabouts of the affrighted
+Confederacy. Last week, my boy, the Brigade moved gorgeously from
+Accomac, headed by the band, who played exciting strains upon his
+night-key bugle; and was only fired upon from the windows of wayside
+houses by helpless women, against whom the United States of America do
+not make war.
+
+Woman, my boy, is the most helpless of God's creatures; and is so far
+from having power to help any other being, that she even can't help
+being herself sometimes.
+
+The sun shone brightly down upon the spectacles of the ancient
+Mackerels as they once more took the road toward Paris; and as the
+light was reflected from the glistening glasses upon the carmine noses
+of which they were astride, it seemed as though each warrior had a rose
+in the middle of his countenance to symbolize the beautiful idea, that
+they had all arose for their distracted country's preservation.
+
+Captain Villiam Brown, mounted on his geometrical steed, Euclid, was
+conversing affably with Captain Bob Shorty, as they rode along
+together, when a Lieutenant of the Anatomical Cavalry came dashing
+toward him, and says he:
+
+"Captain, there's something missing from the rearguard."
+
+Villiam assumed a thoughtful demeanor, and says he: "Is it a miss fire?"
+
+"No," says the Lieutenant, agitatedly: "but we miss two--"
+
+"Not baggage wagons?" says Villiam, giving such a start that Euclid
+nearly fell upon his knees; "don't tell me that two wagons are missing."
+
+"Why no," says the Lieutenant, with emotion, "it's not two wagons that
+we miss, but two Brigadiers."
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, fanning himself with his cap. "How you alarmed me.
+I thought at first that it was two wagons. Let the procession go on,
+and I'll send for two more Brigs the next time I have a friend going to
+Washington."
+
+It would please me, my boy, to detail the further movements of the
+Mackerels, but the cause of strategy demands that I should say no more
+on that topic just at present.
+
+The beloved General of the Mackerel Brigade was at Washington when he
+heard of the advance which his enemies would pretend that he did not
+lead in person, and says he to the messenger:
+
+"Are my gallant children ready for a fight?"
+
+"Much so," says the messenger.
+
+"Is the weather clear, my child?"
+
+"Salubrious."
+
+"Thunder!" says the General, valorously. "Then I really believe that I
+must move my headquarters across the Potomac!"
+
+The Potomac, my boy--to speak with all due reverence for sacred
+things--in the numerous backs and forths it so constantly imposes upon
+the military, would seem calculated to turn this war into another
+Crusade, and make all our heroes literal soldiers of the "cross."
+
+                                         Yours, metaphorically,
+                                                       OEPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                            LETTER LXXVIII.
+
+  IN WHICH THE STORY TOLD BY THE GERMAN MEMBER OF THE COSMOPOLITAN
+      CLUB IS DULY REPORTED.
+
+
+                                 WASHINGTON, D. C., November 12th, 1862.
+
+Herr Tuyfeldock, my boy, the high-Dutch cosmopolitan, supernaturalized
+the last meeting of the club with his old-fashioned story of
+
+
+                         HERMANN, THE DEMENTED.
+
+"At the base of a lofty mountain, and overshadowed by its beetling
+cliffs, stood a rude hut, built of heavy logs, and surmounted by a
+roof, the eaves of which descended in broad scollops over the windows
+of the tenement, and gave it the appearance of a small boy wearing his
+father's hat. In the surrounding scenery there was a wild grandeur and
+magnificence with which no work of art would have been in keeping.
+Immediately in the rear of the humble habitation, abruptly rose one of
+a range known as the Hartz Mountains, stretching far away toward the
+west in waves of bright and shadowy emerald, as the light fell upon
+them, and covered with gloomy forests, peopled with unblest spirits by
+the legends of olden times. In front and on both sides, spreading out
+its vast expanse of verdant soil, until it appeared to meet with the
+horizon, was a noble plain, bearing scattered clumps of trees, through
+which a few isolated huts were discernable. It was like Light and Shade
+meeting, with the hut under the cliff to mark their boundaries.
+
+"Evening had just begun to tint the fragrant air with her sombre hues,
+when a figure was apparent, moving over the plain in the direction of
+the lonely domicil, and, as it approached nearer, the muscular form and
+pleasing features of a young hunter were visible. He was exceedingly
+tall, yet symmetrical in every limb, and quick in his movements as a
+chamois on its native hills. His dress comprised a coat and leggins of
+blue material, ornamented with silver buttons, a pair of heavy boots,
+and a narrow-brimmed straw hat, from which a wolf's tail depended. He
+carried a long rifle, and a bag for small game swung, with a powder
+flask, or horn, at his side.
+
+"Arriving in front of the hut, he paused a moment to examine some
+footprints on the soil, and then tapped gently at the door with the
+butt of his piece. In an instant it was opened by a beautiful girl,
+with light blue eyes, flaxen curls, and a complexion of pure red and
+white, who, though dressed in the coarsest attire, yet looked and shone
+a perfect goddess of the solitude.
+
+"'Dearest Marcella,' exclaimed the hunter, seizing her extended hand,
+and carrying it to his lips with all the ardor of a lover.
+
+"'I feared you were not coming to-night, Wilhelm,' answered Marcella,
+with a blush of pleasure, as she led him into the hut by the hand which
+she still retained.
+
+"The apartment thus entered occupied the whole structure, save a
+portion apparently partitioned off with wolf skins; and a rude table,
+six chairs, and a goatskin covered couch, were the only articles of
+furniture it contained, excepting a few trophies of the chase hanging
+from the walls, and a woodman's axe placed over the mantel. The floor
+was composed of logs, and was very uneven, save directly opposite the
+fire-place, where a large flat stone was firmly imbedded in the earth;
+and a small oil lamp, swinging in chains from the arching roof above,
+gave forth a pale light which mingled imperceptibly with that of
+departing day in a mellow twilight.
+
+"'Marcella,' said Wilhelm, as they sat beside each other on the couch,
+'I can scarcely realize that you are the wild little fairy, with whom I
+used to explore the dark woods of haunted Hartz. I can remember, too,
+standing with you under the blighted pine, and relating old legends
+which I heard my father tell, while you listened with breathless
+attention, and looked like a startled chamois, when the wind rustled
+among the leaves.'
+
+"'Those were happy days!' murmured Marcella.
+
+"'They were, indeed!' continued Wilhelm, with enthusiasm--'yet why
+should infancy monopolize all the richest pleasures of life? As we grow
+older, our understanding becomes more clearly defined, and
+circumstances which rendered our childhood happy, should become more
+truly appreciated as blessings, instead of growing homely and irksome
+to us.'
+
+"'It is because the matured mind requires a wider field for exercise,'
+said Marcella. 'When I used to roam with you in the forest or on the
+plain, those localities constituted our little world, and I cared for
+no other; but as my father taught me the learning of books, I awoke to
+a sense of uneasiness, and a consciousness of restricted liberty. The
+beautiful world of which I read became replete with attractions
+hitherto unknown to me, and I longed to quit these wild scenes, and
+behold the palaces of princes.'
+
+"'So it was with me,' responded her lover. 'As you may remember, my
+parents hoarded up their little earnings, that I might enjoy the
+advantages of education, and I went to Gottingen with the feeling of
+one who was about to drink of pleasure at its fountain-head; but alas!
+Marcella, the wide world is like a piece of glass, which may sparkle in
+the distance with all the brilliancy of a diamond, and after leading us
+wildly onward, becomes the more worthless, for our endeavors to gain a
+closer view. I imagined that the learning of schools would confer
+happiness; it became mine, and I found it a mockery. I mixed with the
+rich, gay and gifted; but my object still eluded pursuit. Marcella, I
+became convinced that I left true happiness behind me, when I departed
+from home; and returned to its shelter, resolved to leave it no more. I
+tasted of the cup, and found it bitter.'
+
+"'My father talks in that manner,' answered Marcella. 'He hates the
+world for the injury it has done him, and even our few neighbors excite
+his scorn, by their foolish fears of him. I am sure if they knew him
+well, they could not help loving him as I do; he is so noble, so brave,
+so generous, that I cannot understand why he is called "The Demented,"
+unless it is because his superior intelligence is regarded by the hinds
+as a supernatural gift. Perhaps that is the reason,' she added,
+haughtily.
+
+"'You wrong the honest peasants,' said the hunter, hastily; 'who,
+though ignorant, possess the gifts of reason and discrimination. Your
+father will not allow them to know him better, and the extraordinary
+quantity of game which he obtains would arouse superstitious whispers
+from more enlightened minds.'
+
+"'Poor deluded creatures!' exclaimed Marcella, scornfully. 'Because my
+father's aim is truer than theirs, ought he to be looked upon as one
+demented? Because, by his skill in woodcraft, he surpasses their
+success, should they shun him with looks of horror? Because he refuses
+to join in their low revels, should they regard him as a ghost-seer?
+Wilhelm, you have learning, and ought to frown down these foolish
+superstitions, instead of partaking in them. Did you love Marcella as
+you have often sworn you do, the man who spoke evil of her parent,
+would from that moment become your enemy.'
+
+"'And so he should, dearest Marcella; but alas! their suspicions are
+but too well founded, and though you may be offended, I dare not deny
+that I myself believe him to be in league with the Evil One.'
+
+"'Then leave me!' exclaimed Marcella, starting from beside him. 'Why
+should you wish to wed the child of such a man? Might you not find a
+devil in me? Why should I love a being whose lips have declared my
+father a demon? Go! Wilhelm, I took you for a man; but you have the
+soul of a dwarf.'
+
+"Her eyes flashed indignation as she spoke, and in the eyes of her
+lover she appeared more beautiful than ever.
+
+"'I can forgive your reproaches, for I know them to be actuated by
+noble sentiments,' he replied, drawing her gently back to her seat.
+'Honor to our parents is nature's first law, and God forbid that I
+should condemn it; but, dearest Marcella, there should be no reserve
+between us, who have grown up side by side, as it were, and I speak to
+you as I would to no one else--not even my parents. That I love you,
+you surely cannot doubt, and that love would be worth little to either
+of us, did it enjoin concealment of our true opinions from each other.
+I speak as an honest man, when I tell you, that I once beheld your
+father in the Black Forest, accompanied by a stranger, who was not of
+this world.'
+
+"'Great God!' ejaculated Marcella, starting up with affright.
+
+"'Forgive me, dearest; but you forced me to say it in my own defence.
+Calm yourself and we will talk of this fearful subject no longer.'
+
+"'Wilhelm, you are not trifling with me?'
+
+"'As I hope to be saved, no.'
+
+"The daughter of Hermann trembled for a moment, as though the spirit of
+Fear had touched her, and the dim rays of the swinging lamp, as they
+fell upon her finely cut features, revealed the undisguised terror
+there betrayed. But she quickly settled rigidly as a marble effigy, and
+her voice was firm, as she said:
+
+"'Wilhelm, I believe you, and may God help my unfortunate father. Tell
+me of what you _saw_, and disguise nothing!'
+
+"'It were better to remain untold, Marcella.'
+
+"'I must and will hear it,' she answered with cold determination.
+
+"'Then it must be told,' said the young hunter, with an involuntary
+shudder. 'On the second day after my arrival from Gottingen University,
+I started out from my father's cot, to course hares, taking with me my
+dog and rifle, intending to remain absent all day. For some hours I was
+quite successful, and succeeded in killing a score of the fleet
+animals, but after noon they grew scarce, and as the sun was sinking in
+the west, I paused wearied and exhausted on the borders of the Black
+Forest, while my dog was panting in the shade. As I stood thus, leaning
+upon my gun, the sound of a bugle call fell upon my ears, and almost
+immediately afterwards your father suddenly passed me in the direction
+from whence it came, looking straight forward with a stony, fascinated
+stare, so full of mingled despair and earnestness, that I trembled with
+superstitious fear, and even my dog crawled to my feet, quivering in
+every limb. Onward he strode, unconscious of a watcher, to a shaded
+spot on the border, just beyond my position, known as the Witch's
+Circle. As he reached it, the bugle was again sounded, when immediately
+a tall cloaked figure rode out of the forest to meet him, and they
+saluted each other in silence. I could not discern the stranger's
+features, but I noticed with breathless horror that the steps of the
+horse which he rode, as well as those of another which he led by the
+bridle, gave forth no more sound than if they were planted in air----'
+
+"Wilhelm suddenly paused in his narrative, as a beautiful White Fawn
+suddenly sprang from behind a suspended wolf skin, and alighted
+directly in front of him. Daylight no longer lent its rays to illumine
+the apartment, and as the animal's eyes were visible through the misty
+beams of the lamp, they seemed to glare and blaze like coals of vivid
+fire.
+
+"'Heaven preserve me!' ejaculated the young hunter, crossing himself.
+
+"'It is my pet, Leo; do not fear him,' said Marcella in low tones.
+
+"'Your father mounted the unoccupied saddle,' continued Wilhelm, going
+on with his adventure; 'and together they disappeared between the
+pines; noiselessly as the falling of a feather. At short intervals I
+heard the sound of the bugle growing fainter and fainter, until it died
+away in the windings of the mountains. I called my dog and hastened
+home, without daring to look behind, lest I should behold the
+mysterious riders following on my track.'
+
+"A short silence succeeded, during which Marcella gently wept, and
+caressed the fawn. At length she spoke:
+
+"'Dear Wilhelm, I now see the reason why you have ever avoided my
+father, and come here only while he is away. Perhaps it is better that
+you should continue to do so, for he is very irritable, and your
+meeting might be attended with fearful results. Leave me, Wilhelm; I
+expect him every moment; it is already past his usual time of return.'
+
+"'I must speak with your father to night, dearest,' said the hunter,
+encircling her waist with his arm.
+
+"'God forbid!' she exclaimed, looking up to him with great alarm.
+
+"'It must be so, Marcella; I am about to ask a gift of him, and his
+answer will either make me the happiest of men, or leave me miserable
+for life. I will ask his daughter of him as one who has a just claim,
+and I cannot believe he will refuse me.'
+
+"'Wilhelm, you do not know my----'
+
+"At this moment there came a measured rapping at the door, and Marcella
+arose to open it, trembling with undefined dread. Hermann the Demented
+pressed a kiss upon her brow as he passed the threshold, and entered
+his cabin.
+
+"He was an old man, for his hair was grey, and deep wrinkles furroughed
+his brow; but his form was fully developed and upright as that of
+meridian manhood, and there was a changing fire in his eye that
+indicated all the energy of youth. His dress was a mixture of military
+and peasant garb, and he wore a tall, black felt hat, encircled with a
+red ribbon. Game of every kind hung in such profusion from his broad
+shoulders, that it almost entirely concealed his person, and he bore in
+his hand a rifle which few men could handle. On arriving beneath the
+lamp, he deposited his spoils upon the floor, and then, for the first
+time, observed the presence of the young hunter.
+
+"'Ha! is that you Wilhelm!' he exclaimed, casting aside his rifle, and
+extending his hand in a friendly manner, 'I am especially glad to
+welcome a brother craftsman to my cover, on a night when I have had
+such uncommon luck. Look at that heap, and tell me if you ever saw
+another such.'
+
+"'You are famed as a fortunate hunter,' answered the other, gazing upon
+the immense pile at his feet with astonishment.
+
+"'Yes, yes, Wilhelm, there are few men can bag hares with Hermann, the
+Demented,' and the old man laughed a hollow laugh.
+
+"'Your skill must indeed be extraordinary, when it enables you to
+secure many of these animals _after nightfall, and without hounds_,'
+returned Wilhelm, looking fixedly at the hunter with a penetrating
+glance.
+
+"Immediately upon the entrance of her father Marcella had drawn the
+table from the wall, and commenced to prepare an humble meal; she was
+standing in a distant corner of the cabin, when her lover spoke thus:
+
+"Hermann started back with a look of fierce anger.
+
+"'What mean you, young man!' he asked in stern tones.
+
+"'I had no intention of giving offence, Mynheer Hermann.'
+
+"'Your looks, at least, were impertinent,' muttered the old hunter,
+turning abruptly from him, and commencing to sort his game.
+
+"The simple meal was soon ready, and the three persons partook of it
+without so much as a whisper. When it was finished, and while the young
+girl was replacing her few utensils, Hermann produced a large
+Meerschaum pipe, and having filled it with tobacco, lit it with a chip
+from the fire-place; looking inquiringly at his guest as he smoked.
+
+"'You were, doubtless, surprised to find me here?' said the latter,
+with some hesitancy in his manner.
+
+"'I am not often so highly honored,' responded Hermann, quietly sending
+forth a wreath of smoke from between his teeth.
+
+"'Do you understand my object, Mynheer Hermann?'
+
+"'Certainly I do, Mynheer Wilhelm.'
+
+"'Indeed,' ejaculated the young hunter, with a look of inquiry.
+
+"'Of course,' said Hermann, ironically; 'you come to my cot, Mynheer
+Wilhelm, hoping to behold some diabolical orgie, or the working of some
+cabalistic spell, by which I secure success in the chase. You expect to
+see me in communion with the mountain spirits, and allowing a
+long-tailed demon to breathe upon my rifle. Look around you, my honored
+guest; is not my daughter some horrid witch in disguise? Is not this
+gentle fawn, a bloodthirsty spectre metamorphosed? Do you not see at
+least a dozen goblins climbing the barrel of my rifle? Ha, ha, ha! you
+will add another to the thousand and one legends about _Hermann the
+Demented_. And tell me, young man, what is to prevent my offering you
+as a sacrifice to my counsellor, the devil? People would say it served
+you right, for entering this unholy place. You had better depart before
+my familiar makes his appearance to sup with me, from the skulls of
+children. I assure you, mynheer, that yonder stone bottle contains
+human blood. Fly, before the spell begins to work.'
+
+"Although the old man frequently laughed while speaking, there was a
+hollowness, and unreal zest in his mirth, that made the young hunter
+shudder.
+
+"'You have made a great mistake, Mynheer Hermann,' he replied calmly.
+'I came here with no such despicable intentions as those you attribute
+to me. To be plain and honest with you, I am here to ask a gift of you.'
+
+"'What is it, boy?'
+
+"'Your daughter, mynheer.'
+
+"Dropping the pipe, and springing to his feet, Hermann confronted his
+guest, glaring upon him with vindictive fury.
+
+"'Wretch! dare you insult me?' he howled, gnashing his teeth.
+
+"'Mynheer Hermann, be calm, I beseech you; you have obliged me to make
+the request thus abruptly, and I am willing to abide the consequences.
+I love Marcella, and she loves me. I would make her my wife.'
+
+"For a moment, the father held his hand to his brow and fixed a glance
+upon the young hunter, as though to read his inmost soul; then turning
+quickly to his child, who sat near him, trembling with fear, he asked
+excitedly:
+
+"'Is this true, Marcella?'
+
+"'Yes, dear father,' she replied, arising from her seat, and laying her
+head fondly upon his breast.
+
+"He looked down upon her beautiful face, suffused with tears, in
+silence; slowly the flash of anger faded from his countenance, leaving
+the gleam of idolatrous affection shining there. The feelings of a
+parent overcame all others, and a bright drop glistened on his cheek.
+
+"'My darling, my only treasure,' he murmured, pressing her closely to
+him. 'Your happiness is my only earthly object.'
+
+"'Wilhelm,' he continued, placing his disengaged hand upon the youth's
+shoulder, 'I wronged you in my suspicions, and ask your forgiveness.
+Your face, as well as that of my darling, convince me that I wronged
+you. Yet I cannot grant you my child, until you have first heard
+somewhat of her history, and my own. Not but that she is a jewel, the
+proudest king might wear upon his bosom with honor,' he continued, with
+spirit; 'but no man shall ever accuse me of practising a lie.'
+
+"He resumed his seat, still holding Marcella closely to his bosom, and
+went on:
+
+"'To no other living being have I ever told my strange story, and there
+is that in your countenance, which tells me you are no traitor. Listen
+attentively to what I say: I was born on the estate of a nobleman in
+Transylvania, to whom my father was steward, and spent the happiest
+days of my existence roving about those vast domains, a free and joyous
+child. At the age of thirteen, I was placed in a school, where I
+advanced rapidly in learning, until I was the acknowledged phenomenon
+of the village, and the pride of my fond father. Years of unalloyed
+peace rolled over my head, during which I wooed the beautiful daughter
+of a landed gentleman--won and married her by stealth. Her father's
+rage knew no bounds in the first moments of discovery, and he
+threatened to separate us; but my wife's entreaties soon banished his
+anger, and we were soon received in full favor both by him and my own
+parents. Oh! what unsubstantial, foolish, joyous days were those! How
+did I idolize the girl, whom I had won, as a heathen worships his
+household god.
+
+"'At length a fearful epidemic swept the country; my father was one of
+the first victims, and my heartbroken mother soon followed him,
+bequeathing us her dying benediction. It was my first trial, and in the
+bitterness of my grief, I left the familiar scenes of my boyhood. To
+this spot I came with my beautiful wife and built this cabin, resolving
+to spend the remainder of my days in these soothing solitudes. But my
+fate was yet to be accomplished. My father's employer found me out, and
+sent a message, earnestly requesting me to become his steward. Yielding
+to the importunities of my wife--for I could refuse her nothing--I
+accepted the proposal, and journeyed back to Transylvania with a heavy
+heart; for a cloud seemed hanging over me, a presentiment of sorrow to
+come. The nobleman received me more as an equal than as a servant, and
+uttered many encomiums on my father's worth, which could not but prove
+grateful to a heart like mine. I loved and honored him at once; and
+resolved to testify my gratitudë by a faithful discharge of my duties.
+He was still a young man, but I felt no jealousy, when the idol of my
+heart praised him, blind wretch that I was! At length, the cloud, so
+long forming, burst over me in a flood of misery. Almost immediately
+after the birth of our daughter, the father of my Marcella came to me
+and imparted a secret that almost deprived me of my senses. Poor old
+man! he thought I knew all before, and my ravings filled him with
+alarm. Frantically I swore revenge, and with murder in my heart, was
+about to seek the destroyer of my peace; but the old man restrained me,
+and after a violent debate, I resolved to say nothing to my wife about
+the matter, and kept a strict watch upon her. Alas! her father's
+suspicions proved too just. I surprised her in company with her
+paramour, and after loading them with the bitterest curses, took my
+daughter and returned to the hut under the cliff. My whole life was
+blighted, every hope was crushed; but the very madness of my despair
+gave me strength, and I swore vengeance on my enemy. On the evening of
+that fearful day, after lulling my unfortunate child to sleep, I knelt
+down on the flat stone before you, and in the fervor of delirium,
+called upon _The Spirits of Hartz Mountains_ for aid. Scarcely had the
+sacrilegious petition left my lips, when there came a gentle knocking
+at the door, accompanied by a shrill bugle note, signifying
+bewilderment in the forest. Like one in a dream, I answered the
+mysterious summons, and immediately a White Fawn bounded into the hut,
+followed by a tall stranger, wrapped in a cloak of fine material.
+
+"'"You called me and I have come," he said, in tones that made me
+shudder, and peer into his eyes, in which there was a fearful
+fascination which I could not resist.
+
+"'"Who are you?" I managed to articulate.
+
+"'"Varno of The Black Forest," he answered, in a voice of rolling
+thunder. I know not why it was, but at his reply my fear vanished, and
+my wrongs arose before me in their darkest coloring.
+
+"'"Can you aid me?" I asked, returning his piercing glance. Never shall
+I forget the fearful distinctness with which he said:
+
+"'"Hermann Vandervelt, I know what you would require of me, and you
+shall be satisfied, _but there is a price attached to my services_;
+three requests shall be granted, and then _you must be mine, soul and
+body_. Will you swear to this?"
+
+"'Like a maniac, I fell upon my knees before the stranger, shouting, in
+the height of passion: "Grant me but _revenge_ upon the betrayer of my
+honor, and I will be yours, eternally yours, soul and body yours; I
+swear by the God who--"
+
+"'"Silence!" thundered the stranger, his eyes glowing like coals of
+withering, devouring fire.
+
+"'"Hermann, you must swear by the _Spirits of Hartz Mountains_."
+Wrought up to frenzy, I obeyed him. He dictated a fearful oath, and
+when I had repeated it, he said, in tones that froze my blood:
+
+"'"Hermann Vandervelt, take your rifle and seek your enemy; he shall
+fall by your hand. I will leave you this animal (pointing to the fawn,)
+and when you would see me, let it return to the forest. Remember, I
+have granted _one_ request; _two_ more shall be granted, _and then you
+will be mine_."
+
+"'His horrid laugh is still ringing in my ears. In silence, I opened
+the door, and beheld, dimly through the darkness, a tall steed with
+blazing eyes, standing motionless upon the plain. As the stranger
+passed me, a momentary chill, like that of the grave, fell upon me; he
+mounted, and I saw him no longer. Grasping my rifle, I fled through the
+darkness like a fiend of blood, the White Fawn following my footsteps
+like a hound. No rest, no meat, did I take until I saw my enemy lying
+before me, bleeding to death, while the Fawn lapped his blood.
+
+"'"I am Hermann!" I shouted in his ears, and then flew back wildly, as
+I came. My child was nearly dead from neglect when I returned from the
+doubly-cursed spot; but I tended her faithfully, and she soon went
+forth with me to the forest; and the White Fawn never left her side.
+
+"'I was a successful hunter at first; but suddenly my fortune changed,
+and I could get no more food. Then was the spell of madness on me once
+more, and _I set the White Fawn free_. Again there came a knocking at
+the door; again the Fawn sprang in, followed by its master. _My second
+request was granted--there remains but one more!_ From that night my
+familiar has met me on the borders of the Black Forest nightly, and the
+darkest depths are filled with game for me. Such is my story, Wilhelm,
+and here, on my bosom, reposes the child of my affection. Speak boldly,
+as becomes a man; would you wed the daughter of _Hermann, the
+Demented_?'
+
+"While the old man related his fearful story, various emotions were
+apparent on the handsome face of Wilhelm, but at its conclusion
+unwavering resolution was stamped upon his features.
+
+"'Hermann!' he said, extending his right hand to the old hunter, 'I
+sincerely pity you as the victim of circumstances, but the blight does
+not touch Marcella; I love her more dearly than ever, and if you will
+give her to me, she shall find in me a husband who would shed his last
+drop of blood for her.'
+
+"'Wilhelm, you are worthy of my child, take her and may heaven grant
+you the blessings it has denied to me. Bring a holy man here to-morrow,
+and make her rightly yours. I would see her happy before I--' He
+suddenly paused, placed his weeping daughter in her lover's arms, and
+turned aside to hide the starting tear.
+
+"Soon Wilhelm was wending his way over the plain, and the innocent
+Marcella retired to her narrow apartment of wolf skins; but the old man
+sat with his face beneath the lamp, and the White Fawn crouched beside
+him. Long did he meditate through the lonely watches of the night, and
+the sweat of agony stood upon his temples. Slowly did he stagger to
+where the wolf skins hung, and raising them in his trembling hands,
+dwelt mournfully upon the picture before him. There, on her couch, in
+all the artless grace of slumber, lay the only being on earth whom he
+loved. One faultless arm was hidden beneath the pillow, the other half
+shadowed her face, and bore a glossy veil of flaxen curls. Her ruby
+lips were apart, as though she had fallen asleep while yet the evening
+prayer was on her tongue. Dimly streamed the light of the swinging lamp
+upon the human temple of purity, and Hermann, the Demented, wept like
+an artless child.
+
+"'It must be done--_it is the last_,' he murmured, dropping the rude
+partition, and quickly opening the cabin door.
+
+"Swift as the meteor falling through the shades of night, flew the
+White Fawn out into the darkness, with a plaintive cry. With bowed head
+the old man clasped his hands and listened. He hears a shot, a bugle
+note echoes through the dew-ladened air, and the ghostly rider is again
+at his door.
+
+"'You sent for me, and I am here,' said Varno, entering the cabin, and
+casting the White Fawn cold and dead, upon the floor.
+
+"'I ask your aid!' said Hermann firmly.
+
+"'Remember, it is _the third and last time_,' muttered the stranger.
+
+"'I will fulfil my oath. Grant me my wish.'
+
+"'_Beware!_' thundered the other.
+
+"'Speak not so loudly, or you will wake my child,' said the hunter,
+gazing fearfully toward where Marcella slept.
+
+"'Fear not, good Hermann, the sleep of the innocent cannot be disturbed
+by a Spirit of Evil. Declare your wish and it shall be granted.'
+
+"'Then hear me, fiend, devil, or whatever thou art! I would have my
+child happy; I would have her husband ever warm in his love for her as
+he is this moment; I would have the curse of her parents forever
+averted from her head. Grant me this and I am thine.'
+
+"'It shall be so,' answered Varno, with something like pity in his
+tones. 'Thou must meet me at sunset on the evening of to-morrow, beside
+the _Witch's Circle_--there shall our compact be fulfilled. _This is
+the third and last. Remember._
+
+"The dark spirit passed from the hut under the cliff but his shadow
+lingered behind; and the old hunter knelt beneath the swinging lamp,
+with the dead fawn at his feet, desolate and lone.
+
+"The day smiled brightly on Marcella, the genial sunbeams dispelling
+night's horrors. She looked sadly when her father told her how the
+White Fawn had been wounded by some wandering hunter, and had sought
+the hut to die there; but the presence of Wilhelm made her cheerful as
+the morn, and Hermann felt rewarded for his sacrifice.
+
+"A missionary monk stood within the old cabin, and said the words that
+joined two lives in one. When the holy rite was finished, the wedded
+pair knelt at the feet of The Demented, and called down Heaven's
+richest blessings on his head; but alas! he could not say 'Amen,' for
+he remembered his compact, and the words of Varno still rang in his
+ears. He watched his child with more than earthly care till the sun
+began to sink once more behind the Black Forest, then seizing his
+rifle, he kissed her blushing cheek, and sallied forth toward the
+mountains.
+
+"'Dear father, may you soon give up such unholy pastimes,' murmured
+Marcella, looking fondly after him as his grey hairs floated in the
+wind.
+
+"'God grant that he may,' murmured her husband, fervently, pressing her
+to his heart.
+
+"But the old hunter returned no more. The wolf started as he lay in his
+lair, when a man rushed by his covert in the Black Forest. A bugle,
+wildly sounded, awoke the bird in his leafy bower. Two men met at the
+Witch's Circle, while a day was dying, and the shades of the wood
+closed over them forever."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+                                       Yours, contemplatively,
+                                                       ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                             LETTER LXXIX.
+
+  SHOWING HOW THE NATIONAL INSANITARY COMMITTEE MADE A STRANGE
+      BLUNDER; HOW THE BELOVED GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE WAS
+      REMOVED AND EXALTED; AND ENDING WITH AN INFALLIBLE RECIPE.
+
+
+                               WASHINGTON, D. C., November 15th, 1862.
+
+As I calmly observe the present situation of our military affairs, my
+boy, and consider how persistently the Blue Ridge continues to get
+between our great strategic army and the dilapidated Southern
+Confederacy, I am impressed with the idea that the salvation of our
+distracted country demands the removal of either the Blue Ridge or the
+beloved General of the Mackerel Brigade.
+
+I admit, my boy, that the Mackerel Brigade has spent time enough in one
+locality since the last battle to remove the incompetent and imbecile
+Blue Ridge, and that the immense number of spades consigned to that
+veteran _corps_ might be construed into the belief that they were
+really engaged in that great stragetic task. Furthermore, that the
+Mackerels have only succeeded in marching fifteen miles in six weeks,
+legitimates the supposition that they are going up very steep hills;
+but it must be borne in mind, my boy, that it is the Honest Abe's best
+policy to conciliate all political parties for the sake of Northern
+unity of action, and it cannot be doubted that the removal of the Blue
+Ridge at this crisis would occasion the bitterest heart-burnings and
+jealousies in the manly bosom of our nation's Democratic organization.
+It would be construed into proof that the Honest Abe had yielded to the
+fiendish clamor of the crazy Abolitionists, and had rendered a
+restoration of the adored Union-as-it-Was of our forefathers
+impossible, by destroying that Blue Ridge which was an essential part
+of the Union. The manly Organization, my boy, would prefer an armistice
+with the unseemly Confederacy to a removal of the Blue Ridge--a
+removal, my boy, authorized neither by the Constitution, the pursuit of
+happiness, nor the rights of man. The Blue Ridge is at the head of our
+army, and our army is at the foot of the Blue Ridge. The mistaken
+Confederacy is on the other side, my boy, and the Organization very
+justly reasons, that the fiendish Abolitionists virtually confess
+themselves to be, in heart, on the same side with the Confederacy; for
+if their desired removal of the Blue Ridge were carried out, the
+distinction of the two opposite sides would be practically lost, and
+the United States of America and the Southern Confederacy would be all
+on one side, and there might be an unconstitutional collision.
+
+Hence, my boy, the Honest Abe has concluded to leave the Blue Ridge
+where it is, and remove the idolized General of the Mackerel Brigade.
+
+But before I proceed to describe the inexpressible anguish produced by
+the adoption of even this grievous alternative, permit me to record the
+useful proceedings of the National Insanitary Committee, in their
+philanthropical investigation of the lunacy now prevailing to an
+alarming extent in the Army of Accomac.
+
+For some weeks past, my boy, insanity has been frightfully upon the
+increase in the ranks of the unconquerable Mackerel Brigade. Many
+Mackerels have even gone raving at times, persisting in the vague and
+incoherent exclamation that they "_Couldn't See It_." There was some
+hope that this terrible mental aberration might be stayed, if the
+superannuated _corps_ were supplied with spectacles; but the relief
+thus given was only temporary; and finally, when one of the poor maniac
+chaps went so far as to yell, that, even by the aid of his spectacles,
+he couldn't see what was the use of butting against the Blue Ridge all
+the time, it was deemed proper to call in the National Insanitary
+Committee.
+
+Captain Samyule Sa-mith, whose duty it was to draw the Brigade up in
+two lines--the sane chaps on one side of the fence, and the insane on
+the other--hastened back to Accomac to finish a game of "Old Sledge,"
+on which four drinks were distinctly pending, and left the aged
+Committee to perform its task at leisure.
+
+In anticipation of this sad ceremony, my boy, I had sent my
+architectural steed, the gothic Pegasus, down to Accomac, and thither I
+went on Tuesday morning, to amble totteringly from thence to the scene
+of Insanitary proceedings.
+
+The Committee had just commenced work upon its line of chaps, and was
+examining the patients one by one.
+
+The first invalid, Lively Mike, was born in the Sixth Ward, and weighed
+ninety-two pounds. He was a poor, slouching chap, my boy, resembling
+poverty's Ruin, two-thirds covered by an ivy vine of rags. His angular
+countenance was rich with unwashings, save a clean irregular circle
+just around his ugly mouth.
+
+I asked how it happened that this one part of his face was clean, when
+all the rest was dirty; and they told me, my boy, that it was the place
+where his poor old mother had kissed him at parting.
+
+Lively Mike's first symptom of his dreadful malady was a feeling of
+overwhelming weariness, as though he had been for a long time in one
+spot doing nothing. The feeling deepened into sullen, dangerous
+madness, until it was finally unsafe to let him go at large, as he had
+several times attempted to shoot scouting Confederacies.
+
+The next hopeless patient was Big-nose Jake. Born at the commencement
+of his career in the Sixth Ward, and weighing ninety-four pounds
+without his knapsack, Big-nose had always enjoyed good health, with the
+exception of starvation; but was in the habit of muttering to himself
+that Strategy was a great humbug, and he'd rather die at home in his
+bunk in the engine-house than in a swamp, without a single fire in six
+months. His only way of keeping warm was by occasionally huddling up to
+a Confederate picket, and receiving _his_ fire.
+
+No. 3 was Baby Jim, a resident of the Sixth Ward for many years, and
+weighing ninety-one pounds. His first attack of his malady came in the
+shape of an incoherent and irrepressible desire to get up a Directory
+of Army Names, so that the families of Mackerels in the Army of Accomac
+might know where their relatives were, and how old they had got to be.
+Sometimes he would be suddenly seized with the absurd notion that the
+General of the Mackerel Brigade was killing more men by strategy than
+would be slain in fifty battles.
+
+Another hapless maniac was Cross-eyed Tom. His family is well known in
+the Sixth Ward; weight, ninety-seven pounds. Always enjoyed excellent
+health, until one day, when it suddenly struck him--uncalled-for, as it
+were--that he hadn't seen the Colonel of his regiment for six months.
+The demon of insanity tempted him to believe that his Colonel had all
+along been drinking bad gin and threatening to resign, in Washington,
+instead of staying with his men and getting acquainted with them. He
+knew that he must be entirely mistaken about this, but couldn't shake
+off the horrible delusion.
+
+A fifth lunatic was the Worth street Chicken. Had voted several times a
+day in the Sixth Ward, and weighed ninety-nine pounds. The Chicken
+could not say that he was really a sick man; but had moments when he
+could not resist the malignant temptation to imagine, that the
+celebrated Southern Confederacy was just as even with us now as it was
+a year ago, with several majestic raids for small trumps. At times he
+was troubled with bad dreams about all the Treasury Notes becoming
+worthless if the General of the Mackerel Brigade went into winter
+quarters.
+
+And so the Insanitary Committee went down the whole line, my boy,
+closely questioning the poor chaps who had lost their reason, and
+eliciting continued proofs of the national ravages of Insanity.
+
+"Truly," says the chief Insanitary chap, cleaning his nails with his
+jack-knife; "truly these unhappy beings are hopelessly deranged, and
+must be sent to the Asylum. Their ravings are beyond all precedent."
+
+Just as he finished speaking, my boy, and whilst he was picking his
+teeth to assist meditation, Captain Samyule Sa-mith came riding hastily
+in from his successful game of "Old Sledge," bringing the stakes with
+him, and says he:
+
+"Well, old Medicusses, have you examined the beings which is unhappily
+bereft of sense?"
+
+"Yea," says the Insanitary chap, with a grievous groan, "we've examined
+all those poor creatures, in that whole line, and find them all
+hopelessly and incurably mad."
+
+Samyule gave such a start that he split one of his boots, and says he:
+
+"_Which_ line?"
+
+"Why, that line there," says the chap, pointing.
+
+"By all that's Federal!" says Samyule, slapping his left leg; "I'll be
+blessed if you old goslings hav'n't been examining the WRONG LINE! Them
+veterans there are the _sane_ ones!"
+
+Insanity, my boy, like Charity, so seldom begins at home, that we
+sometimes mistake the best kind of sanity for it when we meet the
+latter, as a stranger, abroad. The man we call a maniac is frequently
+nothing more than a sane man seen through a maniac's spectacles.
+
+But the whole body of Mackerels, sane and insane alike, unite in a
+feeling of strong anguish blended with enthusiasm, at the removal of
+the beloved General of the Mackerel Brigade. He has been so much a
+Father to them all, that they never expected to get a step farther
+while he was with them.
+
+There's a piece of domestic philosophy for you, my boy.
+
+When the General heard of his removal, my boy, he said that it was like
+divorcing a husband from a wife, who had always supported him, and
+immediately let fly the following
+
+
+                          FAREWELL ADDRESS.
+
+               _Head-quarters of the Army of Accomac,
+                                       Foot of the Blue Ridge._
+
+MY CHILDREN:
+
+An order from the Honest Abe divorces us, and gives the command of all
+these attached beings to Major-General Wobert Wobinson. (Heartrending
+and enthusiastic cheers.)
+
+In parting with you, I cannot express how much I love your dear bosoms.
+As an army, you have grown from youth to old age under my care. In you
+I have never found doubt nor coldness, nor anything else. The victories
+you have won under my command will live in the nation's works of
+fiction. The strategy we have achieved, the graves of many unripe
+Mackerels, the broken forms of those disabled by the Emancipation
+Proclamation--the strongest associations that can exist among
+men--still make it advisable that you should vote for me as President
+of the United States in 1865. Thus we shall ever be comrades in
+supporting the Constitution, and making the Constitution support us.
+
+                                 THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
+    [Green Seal.]
+
+It was while this affecting document was being read to the Army, my
+boy, that a procession of political chaps with banners and a small
+cannon, landed from a boat on Awlkwyet River, and came filing affably
+into camp. Only pausing to insult two correspondents of the _Tribune_,
+and to fire the cannon so close to a farmhouse that it broke all the
+windows, these pleasant chaps at once organized a meeting and gave
+orders that all fighting should be postponed till after the session.
+
+The Hon. Mr. X. Stream proceeded to say that he considered Mr. Lincoln
+a strictly honest, upright, able, and noble-hearted man (cheers); but
+it could not be denied that his Administration was a wretched
+failure--a blending of brutal imbecility with hellish despotism. (Much
+enthusiasm). While it continued so, everything in the stock-market
+would go up--_up_--UP! until the bubble burst. The General of the
+Mackerel Brigade had been removed (universal sobbing) but it was only
+that he might shine the brighter before a Democratic Convention in 1865.
+
+The Hon. Prince Van Brumagen next spoke. Undoubtedly, he would be
+called a traitor for what he was about to say, but he was accustomed to
+that sort of talk from every one who knew him. He wished to see this
+war vigorously pushed forward; but he could never consent to see
+violence offered to men who only warred against us because they were
+mistaken. Our Southern friends had imagined that the Abolitionists
+wanted to prevent their enjoyment of the pursuit of happiness which was
+guaranteed to them by the Constitution. They were mistaken, and
+seceded. The Union as it was had passed away from us, but was
+undoubtedly somewhere on the Globe; and as the Globe was constantly
+revolving, we had only to stand still, and it would come round again to
+us in due time.
+
+The Hon. Fernando Fuel next undressed his thoughts to the meeting. As
+proprietor of the City of New York, which he had frequently bought, he
+protested against the removal of the General of the Mackerel Brigade at
+this inclement season of the year. The idolized General was beloved
+even by the Rebels, and his own devoted troops had cheered even louder
+when parting with him, if possible, than when he had first come among
+them.
+
+Here the speaker was interrupted by a chap who suddenly touched off the
+cannon and simultaneously unfurled a new banner. Borrowing a piece of
+smoked glass, I looked through it at the dazzling standard, and read
+upon its eloquent folds:
+
+                    REGULAR HIGH-MORAL NOMINATIONS!
+
+                      FOR THE SENATE IMMEDIATELY;
+                                 AND
+                 FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IN
+                                1865.
+                  THE (LATE) GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL
+                               BRIGADE.
+
+Observe, my boy, this simple rule, to make a hero of a fool:
+
+Just keep him where he is, until his lack of wisdom, want of Skill,
+attract unto his banner those who, from perverseness, _will_ have foes.
+Then freely make his dullness known; and when you'd cast him from his
+throne, you'll find become _his_ followers true, all men who seek a
+feud with _you_. To serve the always-malcontent, and give their spleen
+a chance for vent, a knave, a dunce, a stump! would do as well, my boy,
+as I, or you.
+
+When cats and politicians quarrel, "use any cat's-paw", is the moral.
+
+                                             Yours, sagely,
+                                                      ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                            [Illustration]
+
+
+                              NEW BOOKS
+
+                   And New Editions Recently Issued by
+
+                          CARLETON, PUBLISHER,
+
+                        (Late RUDD & CARLETON,)
+
+                       _413 BROADWAY, NEW YORK._
+
+N.B.--THE PUBLISHER, upon receipt of the price in advance, will send
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+United States. This convenient and very safe mode may be adopted when
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+
+                           Les Miserables.
+
+  Victor Hugo's great novel--the only complete unabridged translation.
+  Library Edition. Five vols.                  12mo. cloth, each, $1.00.
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+
+                     Les Miserables--Illustrations.
+
+  26 photographic illustrations, by Brion.        Elegant quarto, $3.00.
+
+                            Among the Pines,
+
+  or, Down South in Secession Time.         Cloth, $1.00, paper, 75 cts.
+
+                          My Southern Friends.
+
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+
+  A powerful American novel, by an unknown author,                $1.50.
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+
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+                      The Habits of Good Society.
+
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+
+                     The Cloister and the Hearth.
+
+  A magnificent new historical novel, by Charles Reade, author
+  of "Peg Woffington," etc.,          cloth, $1.50, paper covers, $1.25.
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+                                Beulah.
+
+  A novel of remarkable power, by Miss A. J. Evans.               $1.50.
+
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+                    The Old Merchants of New York.
+
+  Entertaining reminiscences of ancient mercantile New York
+  City, by "Walter Barrett, clerk."  First Series.           $1.50 each.
+
+                          Like and Unlike.
+
+  Novel by A. S. Roe, author of "I've been thinking," &c.         $1.50.
+
+                        Orpheus C. Kerr Papers.
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+  Second series of letters by this comic military authority.      $1.25.
+
+                            Marian Grey.
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+                  The Life of Alexander Von Humboldt.
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+  A new and popular biography of this _savant_, including his
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+                           Love (L'Amour.)
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+
+                                 END
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note: Blank pages have been deleted. Discovered
+publisher's punctuation errors have been corrected. Other errors were
+corrected as follows:
+
+ p. 25: salt--which is verydear[very dear] here just
+ p. 27: for mr. bob peter's[peters'] "hours" at home were
+ p. 29: connection with the childrem[children] of ham, it
+ p. 33: after this overpowing[overpowering] revelation, it was
+ p. 33: that mr. bob peter's[peters'] presentation to
+ p. 37: in the heavy dalies,[dailies] and philosophical poetry
+ p. 56: the account of mr. peter's[peters'] arrest in the
+ p. 61: a musket ball be's[he's] comin' shtraight to
+ p. 66: making a rapid retrogade[retrograde] movement, when villiam
+ p. 74: i made a reconnoisance[reconnoissance] in force, on
+ p. 79: have sometimes feared, by[my] boy, that our
+ p. 97: moral drama by captaim[captain] villiam brown.
+ p. 105: second regular meeting ot[of] the cosmopolitan club,
+ p. 106: electrified by the treaures[treasures] of british literature
+ p. 118: wink at secession symphathizers[sympathizers]. it takes so
+ p. 129: the veteran mackerel signed[sighed] deeply, as he spread open
+ p. 138: a horse physically incapacited[incapacitated] from running away
+ p. 143: great original and geniune[genuine] 'tis he; a
+ p. 151: of life when women[woman] usually becomes the principal
+ p. 154: far out-sped my pusuers[pursuers]; but human nature
+ p. 154: dearly, i was abont[about] to stand at bay,
+ p. 161: masses over my throbing[throbbing] brow, the cowardly
+ p. 163: bosom, and the stilletto[stiletto] in her hand.
+ p. 168: of the skillful retrogade[retrograde] advance to which i
+ p. 169: beheld the idolized genral[general] of the mackerel brigade
+ p. 172: child?" says the geneneral[general], with paternal affability.
+ p. 174: in which our co respondent[correspondent] astonishes us by
+ p. 178: no "enigma," as voluutarily[voluntarily]-puzzled poets have
+ p. 183: money often does--brute insanity[brute-insanity]
+ p. 188: might cause a prostraton[prostration] in the liquor business,
+ p. 228: of captain samyule sa-smith[sa-mith] to perish heroically.
+ p. 231: at paris and loudon[london], my boy, and the
+ p. 232: be outdone, the loudon[london] tumbler issued an
+ p. 235: the word, and instaneously[instantaneously] led company 2 down
+ p. 246: fords of allkwyet riyer[river], in the rear
+ p. 248: of the mackerel brigrade[brigade] will further recommend,
+ p. 250: than the most wierd[weird] and perpetual haze
+ p. 257: at the nether continnations[continuations] of our country's
+ p. 258: operations and entrap stonwall[stonewall] jackson's whole
+ p. 264: and he eat[ate] and drank with his visiter[visitor]
+ p. 266: willing hand in extacy[ecstasy]. 'then indeed have i
+ p. 272: "'five thousand doblas," answered nemly[nemyl], composedly.
+ p. 272: god; 'what an houri[hour]!' he exclaimed, kissing her
+ p. 276: are you--his--slave?' gasped gartstoff[garstoff], staggering
+ p. 277: two slaves will will[delete will] bring you to me.
+ p. 291: he took his deparure[departure]. "then forth sprang orloff
+ p. 295: past; i am satified[satisfied] that you are a
+ p. 297: a moment of ungoverable[ungovernable] passion i spoke words
+ p. 298: for the unseemly villany[villainy] of the accursed
+ p. 302: bereaved country should sudnenly[suddenly] be called to
+ p. 308: from a cold potatoe[potato] which he held in
+ p. 313: feigns forgotten friends; grout[gout], grimly griping
+ p. 316: slept in the hous[house] to take care
+ p. 318: had the army being[been] insufficient to secure you,
+ p. 321: and make me turn [into] an arrogant and contemptuous
+ p. 325: language of an incedeniary[incendiary] description
+ p. 325: of captains bob shortly[shorty], samyule sa-mith,
+ p. 327: court felt convinced that that[del 2nd that] the second charge
+ p. 326: ours, to investigate certing[certain] charges against
+ p. 331: with quivering watch-seal. onr[our] president, my boy,
+ p. 344: caressed the fawn. a[at] length she spoke:
+ p. 351: scarcely had the sacreligious[sacrilegious] petition
+ p. 350: "'"varno of het[the] black forest," he answered,
+ p. 355: night, flew the wbite[white] fawn out into the
+
+END
+
+
+
+
+
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+
+Project Gutenberg's The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers. Series 2, by Robert H. Newell
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers. Series 2
+
+Author: Robert H. Newell
+
+Release Date: December 26, 2010 [EBook #34754]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS, SERIES 2 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Chris Curnow, Henry Gardiner and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<div class="center" style="width: 25em; margin: auto; border: solid 1px; padding: 1em;">
+Transcriber's note: The original publication has been replicated faithfully except as listed
+<a href="#Corrections" name="Start" id="Start">here</a>.
+</div>
+
+<!--002.png-->
+
+
+
+
+<hr />
+
+<h1>THE<br />
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS.<br /></h1>
+
+<h2>SECOND SERIES.<br /></h2>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>NEW YORK:</h3>
+<h3><i>Carleton, Publisher, 413 Broadway.</i></h3>
+<h6>(LATE RUDD &amp; CARLETON.)</h6>
+<h4>M DCCC LXIII.</h4>
+
+<hr />
+
+<!--003.png-->
+
+<p class="center">Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1862.</p>
+
+<p class="center">By GEO. W. CARLETON.</p>
+
+<p class="center">In the Clerk's office of the District Court
+for the Southern District of New York.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<!--004.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_v" id="Page_v">[p. v]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2>CONTENTS.</h2>
+
+<table summary="Table of Contents">
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="tochdr">
+      <a href="#LETTER_LIII">LETTER LIII.</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocdsc">
+    NOTING THE LAMENTABLE INCONVENIENCES OF A "PRESS-CENSORSHIP," AND
+    PARTIALLY REVEALING THE CIRCUMSTANCES ATTENDANT ON A MARVELLOUS
+    STRATEGIC CHANGE OF BASE BY THE MACKEREL BRIGADE
+    </td>
+    <td class="tocpge">
+      <a href="#Page_9">9</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="tochdr">
+      <a href="#LETTER_LIV">LETTER LIV.</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocdsc">
+    ILLUSTRATING THE DISASTROUS EFFECTS OF STRATEGY UPON NATIONAL LITERATURE,
+    AS EXEMPLIFIED IN THE ORIGINAL TALE READ BY OUR CORRESPONDENT
+    BEFORE THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB
+    </td>
+    <td class="tocpge">
+      <a href="#Page_17">17</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="tochdr">
+      <a href="#LETTER_LV">LETTER LV.</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocdsc">
+    SETTING FORTH A NEW VILLAINY OF THE BLACK REPUBLICANS, AND DESCRIBING
+    THE THRILLING CONSTITUTIONAL BATTLE OF DUCK LAKE
+    </td>
+    <td class="tocpge">
+      <a href="#Page_60">60</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="tochdr">
+      <a href="#LETTER_LVI">LETTER LVI.</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocdsc">
+    WHEREIN ARE PRESENTED SOME FEMININE REFERENCES, AN ANECDOTE BY THE EXECUTIVE,
+    AND CERTAIN NOTES OF A VISIT TO THE FESTIVE SHENANDOAH
+    VALLEY
+    </td>
+    <td class="tocpge">
+      <a href="#Page_69">69</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="tochdr">
+      <a href="#LETTER_LVII">LETTER LVII.</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocdsc">
+    SUGGESTING MENTAL RELAXATION FOR A TIME, AND INTRODUCING A FAMILIAR
+    SKETCH OF THE WAR-STRICKEN DRAMA IN THE RURAL DISTRICTS
+    </td>
+    <td class="tocpge">
+      <a href="#Page_80">80</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="tochdr">
+      <a href="#LETTER_LVIII">LETTER LVIII.</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocdsc">
+    SHOWING HOW THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE ISSUED AN AFFECTING
+    GENERAL ORDER, EXEMPLIFYING THE BEAUTIES OF A SPADE CAMPAIGN AS
+    EXHIBITED IN STRATEGY HALL, AND CELEBRATING A NOTABLE CASE OF
+    NAVAL STRATEGY
+    </td>
+    <td class="tocpge">
+      <a href="#Page_88">88</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+<!--005.png-->
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="tochdr">
+      <a href="#LETTER_LIX">LETTER LIX.</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocdsc">
+    INSTANCING THE BENEFICENT DEPORTMENT OF THE VENERABLE GAMMON, AND
+    NOTING THE PERFORMANCE OF A REMARKABLE MORAL DRAMA BY CAPTAIN
+    VILLIAM BROWN
+    </td>
+    <td class="tocpge">
+      <a href="#Page_97">97</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="tochdr">
+      <a href="#LETTER_LX">LETTER LX.</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocdsc">
+    REPORTING THE SECOND REGULAR MEETING OF THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB, AND
+    THE BRITISH MEMBER'S CITATION OF THE ENGLISH POETS
+    </td>
+    <td class="tocpge">
+      <a href="#Page_105">105</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="tochdr">
+      <a href="#LETTER_LXI">LETTER LXI.</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocdsc">
+    PORTRAYING A SOCIAL EFFECT OF THE POSTAGE-STAMP CURRENCY, DESCRIBING
+    THE GREAT WAR MEETING IN ACCOMAC, RECORDING THE LATEST EXPLOIT OF
+    THE MACKEREL BRIGADE, AND INTRODUCING A DRAFTING ITEM
+    </td>
+    <td class="tocpge">
+      <a href="#Page_118">118</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="tochdr">
+      <a href="#LETTER_LXII">LETTER LXII.</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocdsc">
+    CONTAINING FRESH TRIBUTES OF ADMIRATION TO THE DEVOTED WOMEN OF AMERICA,
+    AND DEVELOPING THE GREAT COLONIZATION SCHEME OF THE GENERAL
+    OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE BLACK RACE
+    </td>
+    <td class="tocpge">
+      <a href="#Page_128">128</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="tochdr">
+      <a href="#LETTER_LXIII">LETTER LXIII.</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocdsc">
+    GIVING A FAMILIAR ZOOLOGICAL ILLUSTRATION OF THE "SITUATION," AND CELEBRATING
+    THE BRILLIANT STRATEGICAL EVACUATION OF PARIS BY THE MACKEREL
+    BRIGADE
+    </td>
+    <td class="tocpge">
+      <a href="#Page_138">138</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="tochdr">
+      <a href="#LETTER_LXIV">LETTER LXIV.</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocdsc">
+    SHOWING HOW THE CO-MOPOLITANS MET AGAIN, TO BE INTRODUCED TO THE
+    "NEUTRAL BRITISH GENTLEMAN," AND HEAR M. BONBON'S FRENCH STORY
+    </td>
+    <td class="tocpge">
+      <a href="#Page_143">143</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="tochdr">
+      <a href="#LETTER_LXV">LETTER LXV.</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocdsc">
+    NOTING THE REMARKABLE RETROGRADE ADVANCE OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE
+    UPON WASHINGTON, AND THE UNSEEMLY RAID OF THE RECKLESS CONFEDERACY
+    </td>
+    <td class="tocpge">
+      <a href="#Page_166">166</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+<!--006.png-->
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="tochdr">
+      <a href="#LETTER_LXVI">LETTER LXVI.</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocdsc">
+    IN WHICH OUR CORRESPONDENT ASTONISHES US BY ENGAGING IN SINGLE COMBAT
+    WITH M. MICHELET, AND DEMOLISHING "L'AMOUR" AND "LA FEMME"
+    </td>
+    <td class="tocpge">
+      <a href="#Page_174">174</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="tochdr">
+      <a href="#LETTER_LXVII">LETTER LXVII.</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocdsc">
+    GIVING ASSURANCE OF THE UNMITIGATED SAFETY OF THE CAPITAL, EXEMPLIFYING
+    COLONEL WOBINSON'S DRAFTING EXPERIENCE, AND NARRATING A
+    GREAT METAPHYSICAL VICTORY
+    </td>
+    <td class="tocpge">
+      <a href="#Page_184">184</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="tochdr">
+      <a href="#LETTER_LXVIII">LETTER LXVIII.</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocdsc">
+    INTRODUCING ONCE MORE THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB, WITH A CURIOUS "LAMENT,"
+    AND A STORY FROM THE SPANISH MEMBER
+    </td>
+    <td class="tocpge">
+      <a href="#Page_196">196</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="tochdr">
+      <a href="#LETTER_LXIX">LETTER LXIX.</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocdsc">
+    ILLUSTRATING THE IMPERTURBABLE CALMNESS OF THE NATIONAL CAPITAL, AND
+    NOTING THE MEMORABLE INVASION OF ACCOMAC
+    </td>
+    <td class="tocpge">
+      <a href="#Page_220">220</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="tochdr">
+      <a href="#LETTER_LXX">LETTER LXX.</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocdsc">
+    COMMENCING WITH HISTORICAL REFERENCE; RELATING THE EPISODE OF SPURIOSO
+    GRIMALDI, AND DETAILING THE LAMENTABLE FAILURE OF CAPTAIN
+    SAMYULE SA-MITH TO PERISH HEROICALLY
+    </td>
+    <td class="tocpge">
+      <a href="#Page_228">228</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="tochdr">
+      <a href="#LETTER_LXXI">LETTER LXXI.</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocdsc">
+    SHOWING HOW THE PRESIDENT AND THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE
+    ISSUED GREAT EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATIONS, AND HOW THE CHAPLAIN
+    WROTE A RADICAL POEM
+    </td>
+    <td class="tocpge">
+      <a href="#Page_238">238</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="tochdr">
+      <a href="#LETTER_LXXII">LETTER LXXII.</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocdsc">
+    REPORTING THE LATEST SMALL STORY FROM "HONEST ABE," AND DESCRIBING
+    THE MOST MERCENARY BAYONET CHARGE ON RECORD
+    </td>
+    <td class="tocpge">
+      <a href="#Page_250">250</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="tochdr">
+      <a href="#LETTER_LXXIII">LETTER LXXIII.</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocdsc">
+    MAKING MENTION OF ANOTHER MEETING OF THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB, AT WHICH
+    THE TURKISH AND RUSSIAN MEMBERS READ THEIR STORIES
+    </td>
+    <td class="tocpge">
+      <a href="#Page_260">260</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+<!--007.png-->
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="tochdr">
+      <a href="#LETTER_LXXIV">LETTER LXXIV.</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocdsc">
+    CONCERNING THE SERIOUS MISTAKE OF THE VENERABLE GAMMON, THE CHAPLAIN'S
+    POETICAL DISCOVERY, THE PROMOTION OF COMMODORE HEAD, AND
+    THE RECEPTION OF THE PRESIDENT'S PROCLAMATION BY THE SOUTHERN
+    CONFEDERACY
+    </td>
+    <td class="tocpge">
+      <a href="#Page_299">299</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="tochdr">
+      <a href="#LETTER_LXXV">LETTER LXXV.</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocdsc">
+    SETTING FORTH THE FALSE AND TRUE ASPECTS OF BEAMING OLD AGE RESPECTIVELY,
+    AND SHOWING HOW THE UNBLUSHING CONFEDERACY MADE ANOTHER
+    RAID
+    </td>
+    <td class="tocpge">
+      <a href="#Page_310">310</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="tochdr">
+      <a href="#LETTER_LXXVI">LETTER LXXVI.</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocdsc">
+    REFERRING TO THE MOSQUITO AS A TEST OF HUMAN NATURE, EXPLAINING THE
+    LONG HALT OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE, AND NOTING THE COURT OF INQUIRY
+    ON CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN
+    </td>
+    <td class="tocpge">
+      <a href="#Page_320">320</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="tochdr">
+      <a href="#LETTER_LXXVII">LETTER LXXVII.</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocdsc">
+    SHOWING WHAT EFFECT DEMOCRATIC TRIUMPHS HAVE UPON THE PRESIDENT,
+    NOTING OUR CORRESPONDENT'S STRANGE MISTAKE ABOUT A BRITISH FLAG,
+    AND INDICATING THE STRATEGIC ADVANCE OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE
+    </td>
+    <td class="tocpge">
+      <a href="#Page_328">328</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="tochdr">
+      <a href="#LETTER_LXXVIII">LETTER LXXVIII.</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocdsc">
+    IN WHICH THE STORY TOLD BY THE GERMAN MEMBER OF THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB
+    IS DULY REPORTED
+    </td>
+    <td class="tocpge">
+      <a href="#Page_337">337</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td colspan="2" class="tochdr">
+      <a href="#LETTER_LXXIX">LETTER LXXIX.</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td class="tocdsc">
+    SHOWING HOW THE NATIONAL INSANITARY COMMITTEE MADE A STRANGE BLUNDER;
+    HOW THE BELOVED GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE WAS REMOVED
+    AND EXALTED; AND ENDING WITH AN INFALLIBLE RECIPE
+    </td>
+    <td class="tocpge">
+      <a href="#Page_358">358</a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+</table>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<!--008.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[p. 9]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+<h2>THE<br />
+
+ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS.</h2>
+
+<h3>SECOND SERIES.</h3>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="LETTER_LIII" id="LETTER_LIII"></a>LETTER LIII.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>NOTING THE LAMENTABLE INCONVENIENCES OF A "PRESS-CENSORSHIP,"
+AND PARTIALLY REVEALING THE CIRCUMSTANCES
+ATTENDANT ON A MARVELLOUS STRATEGIC CHANGE OF BASE BY
+THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, July 6, 1862.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>When in the course of human events, my boy, it
+becomes necessary for a chap of respectable parentage
+to write a full and graphic account of a great battle,
+without exasperating the press-censor by naming the
+locality of the conflict, nor giving the number of the
+troops engaged, the officers commanding, the movements
+of the different regiments, the nature of the
+ground, the time of day, or the result of the struggle;
+when it becomes necessary for a chap of respectable
+parentage to do this, my boy, that chap reminds me
+of a poor chap I once knew in the Sixth Ward.</p>
+
+<p>The poor chap took daguerreotype-likenesses in
+<!--009.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[p. 10]</a></span>
+high style for low prices, and one day, there came to
+his third-story Louvre a good-looking young man,
+dressed in a high botanical vest-pattern and six large-sized
+breast-pins, and says he to the picture chap, confidentially:</p>
+
+<p>"There's a young woman living in Henry-street,
+which I love, and who admires to see my manly
+shape; but her paternal father refuses to receive me
+into the family on account of my low celery. Now,"
+says the breastpin-chap, knowingly, "I will give you
+just twenty-five dollars if you'll go to that house and
+take the portrait of that young lady for me, pretending
+that you have heard of her unearthly charms, and
+want her picture, to add to the collection shortly to be
+sent to the Prince of Wales."</p>
+
+<p>Having witnessed the worst passions of his landlord
+that morning, my boy, and received a telegraphic
+dispatch of immediate importance from his tailor, the
+artist chap heard about the twenty-five dollar job
+with a species of deep rapture, and undertook to do
+the job. He went to the Henry-street palatial mansion
+with his smallest camera under his arm, and when
+he got into the parlor he sent for the young lady.
+But she didn't see it in that light, my boy, and she
+wouldn't come down. For a moment the poor chap
+was in a fix; but he was there to take her portrait, or
+perish in the attempt, and as he saw an oil-painting
+of the young girl over the mantelpiece, he took that,
+and skedaddled. The next day the breastpin-chap
+called at his Louvre again, and says to him:</p>
+
+<p>"Have you taken Sary's portrait?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," says the artist chap, "I took it."
+<!--010.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[p. 11]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Where is it?" says the breastpin-chap with emotion.</p>
+
+<p>"There it is," says the artist-chap, pointing to the oil-painting,
+with a pleasing expression of countenance.</p>
+
+<p>As high art is not appreciated in this country, my
+boy, a policeman called at the Louvre that afternoon
+and removed the artist-chap to a place which is so
+musical that all the windows have bars, and each man
+carries a stave.</p>
+
+<p>As my taste for music is not uncontrollable at present,
+my boy, and I can't write a full account of a battle,
+without referring in some degree to the struggle,
+which we are forbidden to mention, I shall not be particular
+as to details.</p>
+
+<p>I am permitted to say that I went down to Paris
+with my gothic steed Pegasus on Monday last, and
+found the Mackerel Brigade coming back across Duck
+Lake with the frantic intention of changing its base of
+operations. The Conic Section, my boy, had been ordered
+to advance and force the Southern Confederacy
+to compel it to retreat, and the rapidity with which
+this was accomplished was a brilliant vindication of
+the consummate strategy of the general of the Mackerel
+Brigade. I found the general a few miles back
+of the scene of action issuing orders&mdash;for the same,
+with a little more sugar, and says I:</p>
+
+<p>"Well, my indefatigable Napoleon, have you
+changed your base successfully?"</p>
+
+<p>The general smiled like a complacent porpoise, and
+says he:</p>
+
+<p>"We've reached our second base, my friend, being
+compelled to do so by the treble force of the enemy."
+<!--011.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[p. 12]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>I went on to the second base, which I reached just
+in time to see Captain Villiam Brown, on his geometrical
+steed Euclid, arresting the flight of Company 3,
+Regiment 5, under Captain Samyule Sa-mith.</p>
+
+<p>"Samyule! Samyule!" says Villiam, feeling behind
+him to make sure that his canteen was all right, "is
+this the way you treat the United States of America at
+such a critical period in her distracted history?"</p>
+
+<p>"I scorn your insinivation," says Samyule, "and
+repel your observation. I am executing a rapid flank
+movement according to Hardee."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah!" says Villiam, "excuse my flighty remarks.
+I do not mean to say that you can be frightened," says
+Villiam, soothingly; "but it's my opinion that your
+mother was very much annoyed by a large-sized <i>fly</i>
+just before you were added to the census of the United
+States of America."</p>
+
+<p>Villiam's idea of the connection between cause and
+effect, my boy, is as clear as a brandy-punch when
+the sugar settles.</p>
+
+<p>The battle now raged in a manner which I am not
+permitted to describe, with results I am not allowed
+to communicate. Villiam appeared wherever the fray
+was the thickest, waving his celebrated sword Escalibar
+(Anglo-Saxon of crowbar), and encouraging all
+the faint-hearted ones to get between himself and the
+blazing Confederacy. Borne a considerable distance
+backward by the force of circumstances, he had
+reached a comparatively clear spot in the rear, when
+he suddenly found himself confronted by Captain
+Munchausen, of the Southern Confederacy.</p>
+
+<p>Captain Munchausen was mounted upon the thinnest
+<!--012.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[p. 13]</a></span>
+excuse for four legs that I ever saw, my boy;
+and what tempted nature to form such an excuse
+when the same amount of bone-work would have
+brought more money, it was not for mortal man to
+know.</p>
+
+<p>"Ha!" says Villiam, hastily reining-up Euclid, and
+touching his sword Escalibar, ominously, "we meet
+once more to discuss the great national question of
+personal carnage."</p>
+
+<p>"Sir," says Captain Munchausen, superciliously
+waving his keen edged poker and drawing his fiery
+steed up from his knees, "it is my private intention
+to produce some slaughter in a private family of the
+name of Brown."</p>
+
+<p>Fire flashed from Villiam's eyes, he replaced a
+small flask in his bosom, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"Come on, and let the fight come off."</p>
+
+<p>Then, my boy, commenced a series of equestrian
+man&#339;uvres calculated to exemplify all the latest improvements
+in cavalry tactics and patent circusses.&mdash;Round
+and round each other rode the fierce foemen,
+bobbing convulsively in their saddles like exasperated
+jumping-jacks, and cutting the atmosphere into minute
+slices with their deadly blades. Now did the determined
+Villiam amble sideways toward the rebel,
+thrusting fiercely at him when only a few yards intervened
+between them; and anon did the foaming Munchausen
+wriggle fiercely backward against the
+haunches of the steed Euclid, slashing right and left
+with tumultuous perspiration.</p>
+
+<p>It was when this thrilling combat was at the hottest
+that the steed Euclid, being exasperated by a large
+<!--013.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[p. 14]</a></span>
+blue-bottle fly, arose airily to his hind legs, and carried
+the Union champion right on top of his enemy. Down
+came the glittering Escalibar on the shoddy helmet of
+the astonished Munchausen; but the deadly blade
+was not sharp enough for its purpose, and only caused
+the foeman to make hasty profane remarks.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah!" says Villiam, bitterly, eyeing his sword as
+Euclid waltzed backward, "I forgot to sharpen my
+brand after cutting that last plate of smoke-beef."</p>
+
+<p>"Surrender!" shouted the unmanly Munchausen,
+noticing that Villiam was sheathing his blade, and
+bearing gracefully down upon him in an elaborate
+equestrian polka.</p>
+
+<p>"Never!" says Villiam, drawing his revolver, and
+firing madly into the setting sun.</p>
+
+<p>Swiftly as the lightning flashes did the Confederate
+champion follow suit with his pistol, sending a bullet
+horribly whizzing into the nearest tree.</p>
+
+<p>"Die!" shouted Villiam, prancing excitedly in all
+directions, and delivering another shot. Then he
+gazed upon his revolver with an expression of inexpressible
+woe. The weapon had deceived him!</p>
+
+<p>"Perish!" roared Munchausen, discharging another
+barrel as he went hopping about. After which, he
+ground his teeth, and gazed upon his pistol with
+speechless fury. The weapon had played him false!</p>
+
+<p>I was gazing with breathless interest on this desperate
+encounter, my boy, expecting to see more
+slaughter, when Captain Munchausen suddenly
+turned his spirited stallion, and fled frantically
+from the scene; for he had heard the shouts of the approaching
+<!--014.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[p. 15]</a></span>
+Mackerels, and did not care to be taken
+just then.</p>
+
+<p>"Ha!" says Villiam, gazing severely at Company 3,
+Regiment 5, as it came pouring forward, "has the
+Southern Confederacy concluded to submit to the
+United States of America?"</p>
+
+<p>What the answer was, my boy, I am not allowed to
+say; but you may rest satisfied that a thing has been
+done which I am not permitted to divulge; and should
+this lead, as I hope it will, to a movement I am not
+suffered to make public, it cannot fail to result in a
+consummation which I am forbidden to make known.
+But if, on the other hand, the strategic movement
+which I am not at liberty to describe should be followed
+by a stroke I am restrained from explaining,
+you will find that the effect it would not be judicious
+in me to set forth, will produce a consequence which
+the War Department denies me the privilege of developing.</p>
+
+<p>I was speaking to a New England Congress chap,
+this morning, concerning the recent events which I
+am compelled to remain silent about, and, says he:
+"The proper way to save the Union is to bewilder the
+rebels by issuing calls for fresh troops at breakfast-time,
+and countermanding the calls as soon as the coffee
+comes in. Strategy," says the grave legislative
+chap, thoughtfully, "is not confined to the tented
+field; it may be used with good effect by Cabinet
+ministers; and our recent proposal to reduce the
+army 150,000 men was a piece of consummate legislative
+strategy."</p>
+
+<p>Legislative strategy is a very good thing to bewilder
+<!--015.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[p. 16]</a></span>
+the rebels, my boy; and if it also bewilders everybody
+else, the moral effect of the adjournment of Congress
+will prove rather beneficial than otherwise to
+our distracted country.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Yours, under suppression,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<!--016.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[p. 17]</a></span></p>
+<h3><a name="LETTER_LIV" id="LETTER_LIV"></a>LETTER LIV.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>ILLUSTRATING THE DISASTROUS EFFECTS OF STRATEGY UPON NATIONAL
+LITERATURE, AS EXEMPLIFIED IN THE ORIGINAL TALE
+READ BY OUR CORRESPONDENT BEFORE THE COSMOPOLITAN
+CLUB.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, July 9th, 1862.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>A few weeks ago, my boy, when national strategy
+seemed rapidly coming to a distinct understanding
+with the American Eagle, and the fall of Richmond
+had resolved itself into a mere question of time&mdash;as
+slightly distinguished from Eternity,&mdash;I became a
+member of the Cosmopolitan Club.</p>
+
+<p>This club, my boy, is a select draft from the host of
+clumsy but respectable foreigners now assembled here
+to criticize the military performances of our distracted
+country, and I have the honor to represent my native
+land, <i>solus</i>, in it. Its members are, a civilized Russian
+chap named Vitchisvitch, a Turk named N. E.
+Ottoman, an Englishman named Smith-Brown, a
+Frenchman named Bonbon, a German named Tuyfeldock,
+a Spaniard and myself.</p>
+
+<p>The object of this small international organization,
+which meets once every three weeks, is to advance
+the cause of free and easy literature in the lulls of
+national strife, and preserve coherent ideality and
+tolerable grammar from falling into disuse. The
+<!--017.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[p. 18]</a></span>
+foreign chaps, my boy, all speak much better English
+than a majority of our brigadiers; and in order to
+give a system to our proceedings, it has been resolved,
+that each of us, in turn, shall relate an old-fashioned
+story relating to his own particular country; and that
+all shall take pains to contribute miscellaneous items
+for the general delectation of the club.</p>
+
+<p>The privilege of producing the first story was voted
+to me, my boy, and at the meeting of the Cosmopolitan
+last evening, I produced from my pocket a manuscript
+already secured from me by a wealthy journal
+(<span class="smcap">Vanity Fair.</span>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Ed.</span>)
+for a fabulous sum, and proceeded to regale assembled
+Europe with</p>
+
+
+<h5>A QUARTER OF TWELVE.</h5>
+
+
+<p class="gentitle">CHAPTER I.&mdash;F. F. VICISSITUDES.</p>
+
+<p>The forces of the Southern Confederacy&mdash;so called
+because a majority of them were forced into the service&mdash;had
+just won another glorious victory over their
+disinclination to retreat, and were rapidly following it
+up, propelled by the National Army. The richest
+and best blood of the South was profusely running for
+the cause to which it was devoted, accompanied by
+those notable possessors in whose cases it poured in
+vein.</p>
+
+<p>Seated at his breakfast-table in the city of Richmond,
+with his wife for a <i>vis-a-vis</i> at a board that
+might well have groaned for more things than one,
+and his daughter at his right hand, was Mr. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span>,
+<!--018.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[p. 19]</a></span>
+a scion of one of those Virginia Families very properly
+designated as "First" for the reason that no other
+Families on earth have ever felt inclined to second
+them in anything.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> was a personage of fiery and chivalrous
+visage, from the lower circumference of which depended
+iron-grey whiskers, so similar in shape to the
+caudal appendage of a mule, that one might suppose
+nature to have intended the construction of an <i>asinus
+domesticus</i> when first she commenced to mould the
+mortal material, but, having inadvertently planted the
+tail at the wrong end, was satisfied to finish him off as
+a man. His hair was too much of a brush in its own
+character to agree well with an artificial brush in the
+objective case; he wore a <i>robe de chambre</i> richly illustrated
+with impossible flowers growing on improbable
+soil&mdash;let us say on holey ground; his nether continuations
+were spotted here and there with diminutive
+banners of broadcloth secession, and it was noticeable
+as he stretched his feet under the table that his slippers
+had once done duty as crochet watch-cases.</p>
+
+<p>The table spread for the morning meal was peculiarly
+Virginiatic, being very rich in plate and poor in
+provender; for hoe-cake and fried Carolina potatoes
+were the only eatables visible, whilst the usual places
+of coffee-pot, bread-plate and salt-cellar were supplied
+with cards inscribed: "Coffee $20 per lb., in consequence
+of Blockade."&mdash;"Flour $24 per bbl."&mdash;"Salt
+$25 per lb." If any member of the Family felt inclined
+to wish for any of these last articles, he, or she,
+had but to glance at the card substitutes to lose instantaneously
+<!--019.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[p. 20]</a></span>
+all appetite for said articles. There was
+philosophy in this idea, <i>mon ami</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Libby</span>," said Mr. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span>, addressing his daughter,
+whose auburn curls and pretty face were none the less
+attractive because they crowned what seemed to be a
+troubled fountain of extremely loud calico with a dash
+of moonlight on top&mdash;"<span class="smcap">Libby</span>," said he, "pass me the
+morning journal."</p>
+
+<p>The morning journal, which had recently augmented
+its value as a family and commercial sheet by coming
+out on superior wrapping paper, was passed to her
+father by <span class="smcap">Libby</span>, she having first satisfied herself, with
+a sigh of disappointment, that the list of deaths did
+not contain the name of a single one of her friends.</p>
+
+<p>Woman, <i>mon ami</i>, does not regard death as you
+and I do. To her it is a sleep in which the slumberer
+himself becomes a dream for the rest of the world;
+and its announcement is to her the mere evening breeze
+that softly lifts another leaf in the sacred Volume of
+Memory, and lets the starlight, falling through a
+shower of tears, rest on a name henceforth to live immortal
+in the heart. I was told this by a young lady
+who wears spectacles and writes for the Boston press.</p>
+
+<p>As Mr. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> perused the latest news from the
+seat of war, his bosom heaved to such an extent that
+one or two of the pins confining the front of his dressing-gown
+to his throat gave out. "<span class="smcap">Honoria</span>," said
+he, addressing his quiet little wife, who was spasmodically
+eating and repairing a rent in her dress simultaneously,&mdash;"we
+have again defeated the hordes of
+<span class="smcap">Lincoln</span>, and I think, my dear, that we had better get
+ready to leave Richmond. The <i>Enquirer</i> says: 'Yesterday
+<!--020.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[p. 21]</a></span>
+a half a hundred of our troops were attacked
+near Fredericksburg by nearly forty thousand Yankees,
+whom they compelled to retreat after them
+toward this city. We took four hundred prisoners
+who will be demanded of the enemy immediately,
+and all of our men, save the messenger bringing the
+news, are now briskly pushing forward in the direction
+of Fort Lafayette.' You see, my dear, we always
+whip them inland. The Yankees gain all their victories
+on water."</p>
+
+<p>Which is very true; for it is as much a fact that
+the national troops win their triumphs on water, as it
+is that the rebels do <i>their</i> best on whiskey.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> made no verbal reply to her husband's
+exultations, but assumed that simpering expression of
+countenance by which ladies are accustomed to denote
+their amiable willingness to swallow without question
+whatever the speaker may say.</p>
+
+<p>"Providence is evidently favorable to the South,"
+continued the head of the Family, impressively, "and
+has thus far treated us in a gentlemanly manner; but
+should it happen, <span class="smcap">Honoria</span>, that the Hessian vandals
+of <span class="smcap">Lincoln</span> <i>should</i> reach this city, I myself will be the
+first to fire all I hold dear, rather than let it fall into
+the hands of the invader. Yes!" exclaimed Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> with enthusiasm, rising from his chair and
+moving excitedly toward the door of the apartment,&mdash;"with
+my own hands would I apply the torch to
+you and to my child."</p>
+
+<p>"O <span class="smcap">Victor</span>," said Mrs. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span>, with tears springing
+to her eyes, "I reckon you would."</p>
+
+<p>"Aside from the wrongs of the South," continued
+<!--021.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[p. 22]</a></span>
+the inspired <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span>, pushing his bowie-knife a little
+further round behind his back, that it might not hurt
+his hip,&mdash;"we have Family losses to avenge. Only
+yesterday, my uncle was struck at Yorktown
+with a shell that completely tore his head from his
+body."</p>
+
+<p>"How perfectly absurd!" ejaculated the hitherto
+silent <span class="smcap">Libby</span>.</p>
+
+<p>"Why it's actually ridiculous," said Mrs. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span>.</p>
+
+<p>And so it was. The sex have a keen perception of
+the ludicrous.</p>
+
+<p>"How I wish that our vigilants had caught that
+low-minded Abolition whelp, <span class="smcap">Peters</span>," continued the
+Virginian, grinding his teeth; "but he disappeared
+so suddenly that day, that I was entirely bewildered.
+To think that the hound&mdash;my cousin's son as he is&mdash;should
+dare to demand payment of a bill from a
+Southern gentleman! He will find congenial souls
+among <span class="smcap">Lincoln's</span> hordes, I reckon."</p>
+
+<p>The speaker evidently recognized the fact that a man
+with a bill to collect would derive very little benefit
+from Southern hoards, at any rate.</p>
+
+<p>A close observer might have noticed that Miss
+<span class="smcap">Libby's</span> cheeks betrayed the faintest tint of virgin wine
+at this last speech of her father's; but as it is not my
+business to inquire the wine wherefore of everything,
+I shall say no more about that at present.</p>
+
+<p>While speaking, the paternal <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> had placed his
+hand unconsciously as it were on the knob of the
+door; and now, with a sudden movement, he opened
+the door. Or rather, he simply turned the knob; for
+the door fairly forced itself open against him, and
+<!--022.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[p. 23]</a></span>
+there unexpectedly tumbled half way into the room a
+somewhat venerable person from Afric's sunny fountains.
+From the manner in which this colored person
+fell across the sill, it was evident that he had been
+upon his knees the instant before.</p>
+
+<p>The ladies uttered little shrieks and then went on
+with their hoe-cake; but Mr. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> viewed the intruder
+with a glance of suspicion.</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Jocko</span>, you black reskel!" said he, in a suppressed
+manner, "what are you doing here?"</p>
+
+<p>The oppressed African, who, like most slaves was
+pious, rose to his feet with touching humility, and said
+he:</p>
+
+<p>"Ise watchin', Mars'r, for de Angel of de Lor'."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh," returned the haughty Virginian, scorning to
+show how deeply he was affected, "you're watchin'
+for that, are you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, Mars'r," said the attached slave; "and I hab
+pray dat my good Mars'r may gib up drinkin' and
+be one of the good angels too. Oh, Mars'r <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span>, I
+hab wrastle much for you in prayer."</p>
+
+<p>I know not how that slaveholder's heart was affected
+by this beautiful instance of his humble bondman's
+devotion; but I do know, <i>mon ami</i>, that he reached
+forth his right hand, seized the chattel by the collar,
+and was heard to carry on a blasphemous conversation
+with him for the space of fifteen minutes thereafter,
+in the hall.
+<!--023.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[p. 24]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<p class="gentitle">CHAPTER II.&mdash;"ROBERT, ROBERT TOI QUE J'AIME."</p>
+
+<p>In a room directly over the one last mentioned&mdash;a
+room whose only furniture was a rude bedstead, a
+looking-glass with a writing-table under it and a gas-bracket
+extending half way across it, and a lounge extemporized
+from three tea-boxes and a quilt&mdash;stood
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, aged twenty-three, a bachelor and a
+fellow man. The time was just twenty-four hours
+after the scene depicted in my first chapter, and as the
+rays of the sunny Southern sun poured through a window
+upon the figure of Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, they revealed
+an individual who was evidently unable, just then, to
+make a raise himself.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Robert</span> was a tall, smooth-faced, good-natured-looking
+youth, wearing a coat that buttoned up to his very
+chin and was painfully shiney at its various angles,
+corners, and button-holes; a pair of inexpressibles very
+roomy and equally glossy about the knees; a brace of
+carpet slippers, and (although indoors) a hat in a
+"Marie Stuart" condition. That is to say, the style
+of hat worn thus inappropriately by Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>,
+corresponded to a fashion in vogue with the ladies not
+long ago, when the latter imagined that a bonnet very
+much mashed down in front caused each and all of
+them to present a touching and life-like resemblance
+to the unfortunate Queen of Scots. In fact, this bonnet
+did really give them just about such a frightened
+look as they might be supposed to wear should some
+<!--024.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[p. 25]</a></span>
+modern <span class="smcap">Elizabeth Tudor</span> order them all to instant execution.</p>
+
+<p>Adding to the consideration of Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>'
+severely straitened costume the fact that he was smoking
+an incredibly cheap segar, it is reasonable to infer
+that he was rather hard-up when awake and not
+much troubled with soft down when asleep.</p>
+
+<p>Viewing Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span> financially and judging
+him by a golden rule, one could see about him considerable
+that was due unto others, as each of the
+others was likely to be dun unto him.</p>
+
+<p>"Bless my soul!" soliloquized Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>,
+hastily turning from a long and profound contemplation
+of himself in the mirror and commencing to pace
+noiselessly up and down the room,&mdash;"here's misery!
+Shut up in the garret of one of the First Families, with
+a chap thirsting for my blood at the head of the domestic
+circle down stairs, and the whole Confederacy
+ready to bolt me without salt&mdash;which is very dear here
+just now. Here's a situation for an unmarried man!"
+exclaimed Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, insanely tearing his "Marie
+Stuart" from his head and bitterly crunching it in
+his hand&mdash;"confined here as a prisoner by the young
+woman of my affections to save my life from her own
+father's sanguinary designs. Upon my soul!" groaned
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, drearily slapping his left leg, "it's
+enough to make me take to drinking, and I&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Dear <span class="smcap">Bob</span>!"</p>
+
+<p>Were you ever awakened from a horrid nightmare
+dream of capital punishment and sudden death, <i>mon
+ami</i>, by the soft, persuasive voice of woman calling you
+to a breakfast of etherial rolls and new-born eggs? If
+<!--025.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[p. 26]</a></span>
+so, you can understand the feelings of Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>
+when these fond words roused him from his terrible
+reverie.</p>
+
+<p>He spun blithely round on his dexter heel, absorbed
+the faithful <span class="smcap">Libby</span> to his manly breast, and incontinently
+kissed for his lips a coating of lustrous bandoline
+from the head of the fashionable maiden.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh bliss!" ejaculated Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, standing
+on one foot by way of intensifying the sensation, "my
+angel visits me in my dungeon, as angels visited other
+good men in the Scriptures."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, how you do smell of smoke," said the devoted
+<span class="smcap">Libby</span>.</p>
+
+<p>"And thanks to your thoughtfulness for the regalias
+which have so lightened my lonely hours, since the
+day when you brought me up to this room and then
+told a virtuous and unsuspecting police that I had fled
+in the direction of the <i>aurora borealis</i>. By the way
+<span class="smcap">Libby</span>," said Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, thoughtfully, "my segar-lighters
+are all out, and if you <i>could</i> make me a
+few more out of the rest of those Confederate Treasury
+Notes&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"I will, I will," responded Miss <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span>, lifting first
+one white shoulder and then the other, as though she
+would thereby work down her waist more firmly into
+the belt formed by Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>' right arm; "but
+now, dear <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, we must think of how you are to be got
+safely away from this house and out of the city. If
+my pa should find out that you have been here all this
+time, when he thought you were running for dear life,
+he would&mdash;I really believe"&mdash;said Miss <span class="smcap">Libby Ordeth</span>,
+<!--026.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[p. 27]</a></span>
+with increasing eyes, "that he would actually apply
+the torch to me without waiting for the Yankees!"</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span> shuddered and turned pale, barely
+saving himself from fainting by clasping his companion
+more tightly and leaning heavily against her lips.</p>
+
+<p>The infatuated girl did not see the face peering in
+through the half open door behind her, as she continued:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Quarter-past twelve is the hour</i>, <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, though I
+can't say on what night it shall be, yet. You must be
+already to start on any night, and in the meantime
+our meetings are, if possible, to be continued."</p>
+
+<p>"You say that quarter-past twelve is the hour?"
+observed Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>, reflectively, patting the head
+against his shoulder in a somewhat paternal manner.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, dear <span class="smcap">Bob</span>; and I wish I could be sure of pa's
+going to bed earlier than that; for I know it will be
+hard for you to go out into the street at that time of
+night. You are not accustomed to such late hours at
+home."</p>
+
+<p>And, indeed, he was not; for Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>'
+"hours" at home were apt to be considerably later,
+especially when he went into morning for some dear
+friend.</p>
+
+<p>"Sweet innocence!" exclaimed the young man,
+much affected by this evidence of thoughtfulness in
+his behalf, "your kindness almost makes me forget
+the treatment I have experienced at the hands of your
+being's author."</p>
+
+<p>"I think you can get off next Sunday night," continued
+<span class="smcap">Libby</span>, "if brother is sergeant of the guard; for
+he promised to see that you got across the bridge and
+<!--027.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[p. 28]</a></span>
+past the patrol. <span class="smcap">Jocko</span> will open the street door for
+you when you start: and I want you to send me word,
+if you can, after you get to New-York, what kind of
+bonnets they're going to wear this summer."</p>
+
+<p>"Dear girl!" murmured <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, fondly, "I'll find out
+the style and mention it to one of our Generals, who
+will let you know by note, as soon as he arrives
+here."</p>
+
+<p>"Dear <span class="smcap">Bob</span>!&mdash;but I must go now. Is there anything
+I can send you to make you more comfortable?"</p>
+
+<p>As they stood there facing each other, Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob
+Peters</span> closed his right eye for an instant, and suffered
+the muscles of his month to relax, thereby expressing
+some want too deep for words.</p>
+
+<p>"You shall have it," said the young girl, turning to
+leave the room. At the door she was met by <span class="smcap">Jocko</span>,
+who entered as she passed out, for the ostensible purpose
+of removing the remains of the captive's recent
+surreptitious breakfast.</p>
+
+<p>The sound of the maiden's light footsteps soon died
+away in the passage, like the vibrations of a high-strung
+instrument in a passage of music, and the two
+men stood alone together.</p>
+
+<p>There they were&mdash;the White and the Black; the one
+a freeman in all save being deprived of his liberty;
+the other a slave in all save being unrestricted of his
+freedom. Who could tell what was working in the
+mind of each? Who should draw the line between
+those men, when all was dark for the white and a luckless
+wight was the black? Who should say that the
+white man was anything better than the black man,
+that the latter should bear the bonds of slavery&mdash;bonds
+<!--028.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[p. 29]</a></span>
+as hard to bear even as Confederate bonds?
+Look at inanimate nature. Is it not the <i>White</i> of an
+egg that bears the yolk? Then why should the white
+man turn the yoke altogether over to the black man?
+But I must refuse to follow out this great metaphysical
+question any further. The weather is too warm. I
+will leave it to the Awful and Unfathomable German
+Mind, which delights to toy heavily with the elephants
+of Thought.</p>
+
+<p>"Mars'r," said <span class="smcap">Jocko</span>, handing a folded paper to the
+fugitive prisoner, "dis was gub to me for you by my
+chile <span class="smcap">Efrum</span>, dat b'longs to Missus <span class="smcap">Adams</span>; and I hope,
+Mas'r, dat you will read um with fear an' trem'lin, for
+the Lor' is very good to let you lib in your great sins,
+Mars'r."</p>
+
+<p>How beautiful, <i>mon ami</i>, is that strong spirit of
+piety we often find developed in the uncultivated,
+like the rich oyster found on the barren sea-shore.
+Taken in connection with the children of <span class="smcap">Ham</span>, it is
+as mustard to a sandwich, for moving us to occasional
+tears.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span> waved the faithful black from his
+presence, and read the note, which ran thus:</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Mr. Peters</span>,&mdash;<span class="smcap">Sir</span>:&mdash;Though, as a daughter of the
+Sonny South, I cannot but regard you as a traitor to
+our country, the memory of past hours in my soul-life
+induces me to act toward you as a heart-friend. I
+have heard, through those faithful beings of which
+your friends would rob and murder us, that you are a
+prisoner, and will save you. Contrive to get out of
+the house in some way on Sunday (to-morrow) evening,
+<!--029.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[p. 30]</a></span>
+at <i>a quarter of twelve</i>, and you will find those waiting
+for you who will deliver you for a time from our
+vengeance. It is the impulsive heart-throb of a weak
+woman that bids me do this&mdash;not the spirit-aspiration
+of the Southern daughter.</p>
+
+<p>
+"<span class="smcap">Eve Adams.</span>"<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span> lowered the hand holding the note
+until it rested heavily on his right knee, and gazed
+before him, as he sat on his couch, with a puzzled expression
+of countenance. He had been sitting in this
+way, perfectly motionless, for five minutes perhaps,
+when the door was gently pushed open a few inches,
+a dainty white hand came through the aperture, deposited
+a mysterious black bottle on the floor very
+softly, and disappeared as it came. In an instant,
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span> sprang to his feet, dashed the note to the
+ground, seized the bottle, and immediately applied it
+to his lips with great enthusiasm.</p>
+
+<p>His Mistress had understood that last subtle glance
+he gave her. With the wonderful insight of man's
+deeper nature peculiar to girls about eighteen years
+old, she had divined the one thing required to make
+the captive comfortable.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, woman, woman! In the language of a revised
+poet&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Without the smile from partial beauty won,</span>
+<span class="i0">Ah, what were man!&mdash;a world without a son!"</span>
+</div></div>
+
+<!--030.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[p. 31]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<p class="gentitle">CHAPTER III.&mdash;THE WIDOW'S MITE.</p>
+
+<p>The <span class="smcap">Adamses</span> resided in one of the aristocratic by
+ways crossing Main Street, and were directly descended
+from those distinguished and chivalric <i>anciens
+pauvres</i> of the Old Dominion, who boasted the
+blood of the English cavaliers, and were a terror to
+their foes and creditors. <span class="smcap">Adams</span>, the husband and
+father, was a fine specimen of the Southern gentleman
+in his day, possessing an estate in Louisa County, so
+completely covered with mortgages that no heir could
+get to it, and having won great fame by inventing an
+entirely new and singularly humorous oath for the
+benefit of a Yankee governess, when that despised
+hireling presumed to ask for a portion of her last
+year's salary. He might have lived to a green old
+age, but for the extraordinary joy he experienced at
+having negotiated a second mortgage on some property
+not worth quite half the first, which filled this
+worthy man with such exceeding great joy, that he
+drank rather more at a sitting than would start an ordinary
+hotel-bar, and died soon after of <i>delirium tremens</i>,
+as such noble and chivalric souls are very apt
+to do. The family left by the lamented <span class="smcap">Adams</span>, consisting
+of a wife and one child&mdash;a daughter, at once
+assumed the most becoming style of mourning, moved
+in a funeral procession through society for six months,
+and then resigned themselves to the will of Providence
+with that beautiful cheerfulness which may
+either denote a high order of Christianity, or a low
+order of memory, as the case may be.
+<!--031.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[p. 32]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>At the period of which the present veracious history
+treats, the bereaved mother and daughter were
+living in subdued style in the locality designated
+above. Among their most intimate associates were
+the <span class="smcap">Ordeths</span>, between whose family and theirs there
+existed that pleasing and kindly familiarity which
+permits the most open recognition of mutual virtues
+in society and the most searching criticism of individual
+weaknesses at home. The <span class="smcap">Adamses</span> and <span class="smcap">Ordeths</span>
+met at each other's houses with gushes of endearment
+that edified all beholders; and if Miss <span class="smcap">Eve</span> said to her
+mother on their way home from church that <span class="smcap">Libby
+Ordeth</span> looked like a perfect fright in that ridiculous
+new bonnet of hers, it was only because her affectionate
+heart felt a pang at seeing her bosom-friend appear
+to less advantage than her own self-sacrificing
+self.</p>
+
+<p>It is a touching peculiarity of this modern friendship,
+<i>mon ami</i>, that a majority of the errors its fairest
+votaries detect in each other, are those of the head&mdash;not
+of the heart. <span class="smcap">Eve Adams</span>, whose diminutive size
+had given occasion to the <i>mot</i> by which she was denominated
+the "Widow's Mite," was calling at the
+<span class="smcap">Ordeths</span> when Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span> first came in under a
+flag of truce from Fortress Monroe, and was witness
+to the chivalric reception accorded to that gentleman
+by his relatives, before his pecuniary mission was
+known. In the exuberance of his nature, Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>
+had kissed her with the rest of the family, and from
+the moment of receiving that chaste salutation, <span class="smcap">Eve</span>
+had selected the Northern stranger as her hero in that
+ideal novel of spiritual yellow-covers in which all
+<!--032.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[p. 33]</a></span>
+maidens live, and move and have their beings until
+stern reality bursts upon them in the shape of a husband
+or a snub.</p>
+
+<p>From thenceforth she was a frequent visitor at the
+<span class="smcap">Ordeths</span>, and laid close siege to the gay <span class="smcap">Robert's</span>
+heart with all the languishment deemed necessary in
+such cases, and a tremendous flirtation was going on
+before the maiden discovered that the affections of the
+youth were already given to another. Then came a
+revulsion of feeling, opening the eyes of the Widow's
+Mite to the fact that Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span> was a thieving
+abolitionist, unworthy the toleration of any true daughter
+of the South. After this overpowering revelation,
+it was the first thought of <span class="smcap">Eve Adams</span> to at once inform
+the festive <span class="smcap">Peters</span> of the utter detestation in
+which she held him, and a favorable opportunity soon
+offered. At a social gathering at the <span class="smcap">Ordeth's</span>, she
+had withdrawn for a moment to an ante-room, for the
+purpose of drawing from her bosom an elegant silver
+snuff-box, dipping therein a small brush, and subsequently
+applying the same to her pearly teeth, when
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span> entered unannounced, and agreeably
+demanded a "pinch." The situation was favorable to
+an avowal of enmity, and a suitable expression was
+rising to the lips of the maiden, when the thought of a
+still keener revenge kept her silent, and she contented
+herself with a temporary sneer and a majestic exit
+from the apartment.</p>
+
+<p>It was soon after this incident that Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>'
+presentation to Mr. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> of the bill for furniture
+which he had been empowered to collect by a New
+York house, reminded the latter that it was his duty,
+<!--033.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[p. 34]</a></span>
+as a patriot, to sacrifice even his cousin's son for the
+good of the Confederacy. With the stern self-devotion
+of an ancient Roman, Mr. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> not only accused
+his hapless relative of flagrant Abolitionism, but at
+once made arrangements with the military authorities
+for that relative's immediate incarceration as an
+enemy to the Commonwealth. An enemy to the
+Commonwealth of Virginia must be indeed an unnatural
+wretch; for no such wealth is known to be in
+existence just now, and enmity to the dead is a thing
+inexcusable. It was a crime of which Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>
+was incapable; yet would he have suffered for it, had
+not the devoted <span class="smcap">Libby</span> concealed him in the hour of
+danger.</p>
+
+<p>Of this concealment, Miss <span class="smcap">Eve</span> had learned from
+<span class="smcap">Efrum</span>, the son of <span class="smcap">Jocko</span>, though she knew not how
+long it was to be continued.</p>
+
+
+<p class="gentitle">CHAPTER IV.&mdash;"TWO HEARTS THAT BEAT AS ONE."</p>
+
+<p>Several of the Richmond churches were opened
+that Sunday night, and thither repaired many of the
+Cottonocracy, devotional children of Bale, to implore
+Providence in behalf of an army whose heroes have
+generally appeared, in the eyes of the Federal troops,
+to be wholly Leave-ites. The recent intelligence of
+"another confederate victory," at Williamsburg, had
+added a finishing touch to the panic created by reports
+of the triumphal retreat from Yorktown previously
+received, and the fervor of Richmond's piety on
+<!--034.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[p. 35]</a></span>
+that evening was eminently worthy of a city liable at
+any moment to be cannonized. The reverend clergy
+of the rebel capital selected their texts from Exodus
+by instinct, as it were, and proved so conclusively that
+the Yankee invader was no man, that the listening
+congregations were impressed with an instructive and
+repentant sense of their own wickedness, (for they are
+the wicked who invariably flee when "no man" pursueth,)
+and several members evinced their new-born
+disgust at this sinful world by resolutely closing their
+eyes upon it at once.</p>
+
+<p>In his pew sat Mr. <span class="smcap">Victor E. Ordeth</span>, with his wife
+and son, the latter a member of the Richmond Home
+Guard. Stiff and erect he sat, like a solemn note of
+admiration in a printer's case, ready to be used at the
+end of any sounding passages, suffering an expression
+of weighty approval to cross his countenance when
+the preacher hoped the same planets might not thereafter
+be destined to shine on the North and the South.</p>
+
+<p>And well he might; for there had been something
+in the late capture of New Orleans and other ports by
+the Union fleets to impress the Southern mind with no
+small dread of the North's tar.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Libby</span> remained at home under plea of sick-headache;
+but no sooner were her parents fairly out of
+the house, than said plea proved to be entirely invalid.
+At least, the young lady darted to her own private
+room in a very sprightly manner, brought out from
+thence a small package, and finally repaired to the
+apartment wherein Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span> kept solitary vigils
+and a bright lookout. Before passing in, however,
+she paused to have a few words with the faithful
+<!--035.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[p. 36]</a></span>
+<span class="smcap">Jocko</span>, whom she discovered on his knees before the
+door of the captive's cell, with his right eye slightly
+to the left of the knob.</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Jocko!</span>" she exclaimed, reproachfully, "what are
+you doing here, you ridiculous thing?"</p>
+
+<p>"Miss <span class="smcap">Libby</span>," said the humble servitor, looming
+dimly in the shadow of the hall as he slowly arose
+from his feet, "Ise ben prayin' dat you might become
+a christian, and one ob these days, when de great
+Hallelugerum come, hab wings and a harp."</p>
+
+<p>Scarcely were these affecting words uttered, when
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span> tore open the door rather disrespectfully,
+so greatly discomposing the devoted black that the
+latter incontinently fled.</p>
+
+<p>"My dear girl," said <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, leading his fair visitor
+into the room, "I'm delighted to see you. The shutters
+are up, the gas is lit, and I'm prepared to do the
+sentimental. Oh-um-m&mdash;Lubin's Extracts!" ejaculated
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>. For he had kissed her.</p>
+
+<p>"There, dear <span class="smcap">Robert</span>, don't be so absurd. You
+know you are going to leave us to-night, and I have
+brought you&mdash;" here <span class="smcap">Libby</span> blushed with that exquisitely
+ingenuous emotion which is excited by the consciousness
+of benefiting one we love&mdash;"I have brought
+you some things that may be of use on your journey.
+You won't be angry with me for it, will you, dear
+<span class="smcap">Bob</span>? There's a smoking cap, and a pair of crochet
+slippers, and some drawing pencils, and a volume of
+<span class="smcap">Tupper</span>."</p>
+
+<p>"My darling <span class="smcap">Libby</span>!" remarked the deeply affected
+<span class="smcap">Robert</span>, alighting on those tempting lips once more.
+<!--036.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[p. 37]</a></span>
+"But did you think, love&mdash;did you think to put a
+quart of ice-cream and a few hair-pins in the package?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, no."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, well," said Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, abstractedly, "I
+suppose I can buy them on the road."</p>
+
+<p>Silence, disturbed only by the beating of those two
+hearts, reigned for a few seconds, then&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Bob</span>," said <span class="smcap">Libby</span>, looking shyly up to him, "we
+shall be very happy when we are married and live
+North?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, indeed," said <span class="smcap">Bob</span>.</p>
+
+<p>"We'll live in such a beautiful house on Fifth
+Avenue, dear, and have such nice things. Because,
+you know, you can make so much money by your
+writings."</p>
+
+<p>"Millions! my love," said Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, with
+sudden and wonderful quietude of tone. "When I
+left New York prose was bringing two dollars for
+seven pounds in the heavy dailies, and philosophical
+poetry quoted at six shillings a yard, and no hexameters
+allowed except for <span class="smcap">Emerson</span> and <span class="smcap">Homer</span>. Ah!"
+said Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>, his melancholy deepening rapidly to
+bitterness, "my last poem sickened me. It was called
+'Dirge: addressed to a lady after witnessing the
+Drama of the "Toodles,"' and commenced in this
+way:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Not all the artist's pow'r can limn,</span>
+<span class="i0">Nor poet's grander verse disclose,</span>
+<span class="i0">The plaintive charm that ev'ning dim,</span>
+<span class="i0">Imparts unto the dying rose.'"</span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>"How pretty!" said <span class="smcap">Libby</span>.
+<!--037.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[p. 38]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Yes, my dear," responded Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>, somewhat
+gloomily; "but because I used 'dim' to rhyme with
+'limn,' all the papers credited it to <span class="smcap">General Morris</span>."</p>
+
+<p>Recollections of this flagrant piece of injustice so
+affected Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, that he smote his breast and
+called himself a miserable man. "I really don't know
+but I'd better stay here and be hung like a respectable
+patriot," murmured the desolated young man.</p>
+
+<p>"How absurd!" exclaimed the young lady, "you
+will be glad enough to get away to-night. Remember,
+now, you are to start down stairs at quarter-past
+Twelve, precisely, and <span class="smcap">Jocko</span> will open the front door
+for you. Then go straight to the bridge, where you
+will find my brother, who will get you by the guard."</p>
+
+<p>"That reminds me," observed Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>, "what
+time is it? I must set my repeater."</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Libby</span> consulted her watch and answered that it was
+half-past eight, whereupon Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span> fished from
+his fob a vast silver conglomeration, and having wound
+it up with a noise like that of a distant coffee mill,
+and set it correctly, proceeded to hang it, for convenient
+reference, upon the gas-branch across the
+mirror.</p>
+
+<p>"Dear <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, good bye."</p>
+
+<p>"Fare thee well, and if for ever, still remember
+me," responded Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>, with some vagueness.</p>
+
+<p>"We shall meet again?" said <span class="smcap">Libby</span>, lingering.</p>
+
+<p>"If I did not believe it," replied Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>,
+with vehemence, "I should at once proceed to kill
+myself at your feet, covering the walls and furniture
+of the apartment with my gore."</p>
+
+<p>"God bless you, <span class="smcap">Bob</span>."
+<!--038.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[p. 39]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>They parted wiping their mouths. Miss <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span>
+went down stairs in tears, had a fit of hysterics on the
+sofa, and fell asleep with her head in the card basket.</p>
+
+
+<p class="gentitle">CHAPTER V.&mdash;BETRAYED INNOCENCE.</p>
+
+<p>There he slumbered on that rude lounge, with his
+head upon his hands and his hands under his head. A
+man, like you&mdash;or me&mdash;or any other man. Did you
+ever notice how you always keep your eyes shut when
+you are asleep? The lids come down over your orbs,
+your soul's windows, like night over the sun. You
+shall have visions of Heaven, or Hades, according to
+what you had for supper. Lobster salad, or truffles,
+will act upon a sleeping man's great, dark soul, like
+one of <span class="smcap">Page's</span> pictures on the open eye. Make it see
+light blue landscapes, and pallid faces looking out of
+pink distances. You think that young man there is
+sleeping upon a rude couch? No. He is sleeping
+upon something not palpable to your worldly eyes nor
+mine; he is sleeping upon an empty stomach. You
+dare not pity him. His scornful, stern man's soul
+would wither you if you talked to him of compassion.
+Such is man. An animal. A worm of the dust.
+Yet proud. Ha! you know it. You blush for your
+unworthy thought. Such is woman. Something
+aroused the sleeper suddenly. It might have been an
+angel's whisper, or the kiss of an insect. He sprang
+to his feet, shook himself, and mentally declared that
+<!--039.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[p. 40]</a></span>
+he had come pretty near getting asleep. The idea was
+rational.</p>
+
+<p>"By all that's blue! it can't be, though it is, by
+Jupiter!"</p>
+
+<p>The gas was still burning brightly. Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>
+had caught sight of his watch as it was reflected in
+the mirror, with the hands pointing to a quarter past
+Twelve. With great rapidity he grasped the repeater,
+stabbed it into his fob, crushed his demoralized hat
+upon his head, looked regretfully about the room,
+turned off the gas, and in another moment was
+stealthily groping his way down stairs, toward the
+front door. The door yielded to his hand, but no
+<span class="smcap">Jocko</span> was there. "I suppose," murmured Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>
+to himself, "I suppose the faithful fellow is praying
+for me somewhere in the kitchen, with his hands
+resting on a jar of sweetmeats. Ah! I ought to be a
+better man than I am." With this excellent moral
+reflection, Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span> stepped into the street and
+faced boldly for the path to freedom; but at the very
+first corner his road was barred by two individuals in
+military caps and the first stage of intoxication.</p>
+
+<p>"Aryupeters&mdash;eters!" said one, who was evidently
+desirous of having but a single word with him.</p>
+
+<p>"With a <span class="smcap">Bob</span>," replied the fugitive sententiously.</p>
+
+<p>"Aw' ri', then," observed the two in chorus, and
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span> quickly found himself attended on either
+side by guardians whose affectionate manner of monopolizing
+his arms suggested a civil process of the most
+uncivil sort.</p>
+
+<p>"Treachery!" he exclaimed, struggling fiercely.
+The twain held him tightly, however, with the strength
+<!--040.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[p. 41]</a></span>
+of tight-uns, and his exertion only caused them to
+venture divers pleasant oaths concerning the destiny
+of his eyes.</p>
+
+<p>Onward they dragged him, down Broad street and
+up half a dozen other streets, until a certain rebel
+institution was gained. "In with'm," said one of his
+captors; and they hurried him past a sentry and
+through a hall into a long, low room, where half a
+dozen miserable candles stuck up against the walls
+revealed a dismal company of over a hundred&mdash;some
+stretched upon the floor, some standing about, and
+others clustered around what appeared to be a cot in
+one corner.</p>
+
+<p>"Is this the Confederate Congress?" asked the
+astonished <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, as his captors left him, turning the
+key and adjusting various bolts as they went out.</p>
+
+<p>"It's <span class="smcap">Libby's</span> pork-packing-house," answered the
+prisoner nearest him, "and you're jugged, I suppose,
+as a spy."</p>
+
+<p>"Pork-packing!" ejaculated the bewildered <span class="smcap">Bob</span>.
+"Why, this is treating me like a hog."</p>
+
+<p>Several prisoners at once gave in their adhesion to
+this logical premise.</p>
+
+<p>"Here's a case of betrayed innocence!" soliloquized
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, bitterly, "I've trusted to <span class="smcap">Libby</span>, and
+Libby's taken me in."&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"I'm going to be exchanged, I tell you!"</p>
+
+<p>The sound came from the cot in the corner, and as
+the crowd in that direction opened for a moment, the
+new-comer beheld a sight that, for a time, made him
+forget his own troubles. A tall, gaunt man in ragged,
+Zouave uniform was reclining upon his elbow on
+<!--041.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[p. 42]</a></span>
+the miserable pallet, the pale, dismal light of the candles
+disclosing a ghastly wound on his right temple,
+from which the blood was trickling down upon his
+rusty and matted beard.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm going to be exchanged, I tell you!" he exclaimed,
+waving the others away with his left hand
+and glaring directly at <span class="smcap">Bob</span>. "I've been here a whole
+year, and Eighty's boys wants me back; and I'm going
+to be exchanged."</p>
+
+<p>"The poor fellow was shot by one of the sentries
+this morning. He's from a New York regiment, and
+has been a prisoner ever since Bull Run," whispered
+one of the unfortunates to <span class="smcap">Bob</span>.</p>
+
+<p>The latter approached the wounded man and kindly
+asked; "Can I do anything for you, old fellow?"</p>
+
+<p>The dying Zouave regarded him with a ghastly
+smile; "Yes," said he, "you can go down to Eighty's
+truck house and take care of little <span class="smcap">Jake</span> till I'm exchanged.
+Will you, bub, will you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Is <span class="smcap">Jake</span> your child?" asked Bob.</p>
+
+<p>"No," responded the Zouave, softly, "it's only a
+little yaller dorg. I aint got no wife, nor child, nor no
+friend except the masheen and little <span class="smcap">Jake</span>. He's petty
+as a picture, bub, and he's slept with me many a gay
+old night around Catherine Market&mdash;he has. You'll
+be kind to him, bub, won't you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Here! what's this noise about? What are yes
+doin' with lights this time ernight? I'll soon stop
+his Yankee groaning," were the words of a brutal
+keeper, who had just come in and was roughly elbowing
+his way toward the cot.</p>
+
+<p>"Stand off, you hound!" shouted <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, throwing
+<!--042.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[p. 43]</a></span>
+himself between the keeper and the dying soldier.
+"Stand off!" growled the prisoners, fiercely crowding
+upon the intruder with murder in their faces.</p>
+
+<p>"Hark!" said the Zouave, leaning listfully forward,
+"there goes the Hall bell&mdash;one&mdash;two&mdash;three&mdash;&mdash;"
+His features lighted up as with the glow of a conflagration;
+his lips opened&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Fire! Fire! Fire!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>And the Zouave fell back upon the cot&mdash;dead.</p>
+
+<p>The keeper crawled forward like a whipped hound,
+and eyed the outstretched form with a face full of
+fear:</p>
+
+<p>"Exchanged at last, by G&mdash;d!"</p>
+
+<p>True, O traitorous hireling! and by God alone.
+For when that honest, loyal soul went out, there came
+to take its place an Avenging Spirit, that shall not
+cease to call on Heaven for vengeance on the Southern
+murderer until the cowardly stain of fifty thousand
+murders, such as this, are washed out in a terrible
+atonement.</p>
+
+<p>"Poor little <span class="smcap">Jake</span>," murmured Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, "I
+wonder if he's a terrier." Then, turning to the keeper,&mdash;"How
+long is my imprisonment in this terrible
+place to be continued?"</p>
+
+<p>The keeper eyed the querist with no very amiable
+expression, "You'll stay here," said he, "until you
+take the Oath, I reckon."</p>
+
+<p>"In that case, my native land, good night," responded
+the interesting captive, Byronically; "my
+incarceration will terminate with an epitaph&mdash;'<i>Hic
+Jacet</i> <span class="smcap">Robert Peters</span>. A victim of miss-placed confidence.
+<!--043.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[p. 44]</a></span>
+He died young'&mdash;Jailor, you are affected.
+Accept a quarter!"</p>
+
+<p>The Cerberus clutched the proffered coin and eyed
+it with feverish intensity. It was evidently the first
+quarter he had seen since the commencement of his
+services in that hole. The man's better nature was
+touched. "Hist!" he said, drawing Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span> aside
+and speaking in a whisper: "I can no longer conceal
+the truth. I am a Southern Union man."</p>
+
+<p>It is a beautiful peculiarity of our common nature,
+<i>mon ami</i>, that crime never sinks so deeply nor perversion
+spreads so obstinately in the human soul, but
+there is still a deeper current of normal rectitude responsive
+to the force of currency. That this was
+known to the ancients, is evinced by the antique custom
+of placing coins on the eyes of the dead, thereby
+signifying to all concerned that, whatever faults might
+have perished with the deceased, <i>de mortuis nil nisi
+bonum</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"Can't I have a room to myself?" asked <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, after
+a short pause.</p>
+
+<p>"Follow me," was the response; and he followed
+the keeper through a crowd of curious prisoners, up a
+stair-way against a wall, to a room on the next floor.
+The keeper opened the door with a key from one of
+his pockets, and led the way into an apartment whose
+only furniture was a bed, a ricketty chair and a bit of
+looking-glass on a shelf.</p>
+
+<p>"I sleep here sometimes myself," said the keeper;
+"but you shall stay here for a small rent. Make yourself
+comfortable."
+<!--044.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[p. 45]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Stop a minute," said <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, as the man turned to
+leave. "Do you know how I came to be arrested?"</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know exactly," was the answer; "but I
+believe you was informed upon by some woman.
+Good night. Here's the candle."</p>
+
+<p>The prisoner cast himself upon the bed, as the key
+grated again in the lock, and was fast asleep before
+the poor fellows down stairs had extinguished their
+miserable lights.</p>
+
+<p>In the morning the friendly keeper brought him his
+breakfast, consisting of a cup of something very much
+like "sacred soil" after a heavy rain, two geological
+biscuits and a copy of the Richmond <i>Whig</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"What do you call this stuff?" asked Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>,
+ruefully eyeing the contents of the cup.</p>
+
+<p>"Coffee," replied the keeper, blandly, "real Mocha."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span> was silent. To call such fluid Mocha
+was sheer mockery.</p>
+
+<p>The biscuits dispatched and the coffee defied, the
+captive betook himself to deep and admiring contemplation
+of the newspaper; and was deriving much
+valuable instruction from an article written to prove
+how skilfully and ingeniously the Southern Confederacy
+had struck a telling blow at its ruthless invaders
+by strategetically surrendering Norfolk, when an
+early visitor was admitted. Said visitor was a young
+man contained in a picturesquely-tattered uniform,
+with a fatigue cap on his head and a rusty sword rattling
+at his heels.</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Bob</span>, my boy," said he, "how the mischief did you
+get into this scrape?"
+<!--045.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[p. 46]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"This is some of your family's Chivalry," responded
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>, shortly.</p>
+
+<p>"My governor certainly did come it over you a little,"
+observed the visitor, who was no other than the
+younger <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span>; "but you might have gone off
+safely enough if you'd been at the bridge at quarter-past
+Twelve, as you were told. I don't like the governor's
+style any more than you do, and if you had
+come to time I could have passed you out of the lines
+easily enough."</p>
+
+<p>"I did come to time," answered <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, with great
+bitterness, "and a pretty time of night it was. How
+did I get into this scrape? The Southern Confederacy
+brought me here. I've had enough of you and your
+family. It affords me satisfaction to contemplate a
+perspective in which your family are attending a funeral
+of one of their number whose demise would be
+attended with funeral honors, if all his comrades were
+not engaged in the work of running away from
+<span class="smcap">McClellan</span>."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span> hazarded this cutting insinuation of the
+future with an expression of countenance rigidly severe.</p>
+
+<p>"But, my dear boy, there is some mistake. You&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Enough, Sir!"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, very well; if you won't you won't," exclaimed
+the Confederate youth, growing very red in the face.
+"All I have to say is, that I have done my part as
+your friend. If you had been at the bridge at quarter-past
+Twelve last night, you might be back among the
+Yankees now. And, let me tell you, those same Yankees
+will never conquer the South."
+<!--046.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[p. 47]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Perhaps not," said Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>, ironically.</p>
+
+<p>"One of our officers has just invented a new gun
+that will soon teach the North manners," continued
+the Confederate, with increasing heat. "It throws
+one-hundred-pound balls as fast as a man can turn
+the handle."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah!" said <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, sneeringly.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; and it has but one defect."</p>
+
+<p>"What's that?" asked <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, with some appearance
+of interest.</p>
+
+<p>"The handle won't turn!" ejaculated the young
+Virginian, darting hastily from the room to hide his
+emotion.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span> looked vaguely after the retreating
+form of the sensitive youth, and as one of the keepers
+relocked the door again from the outside, his face
+sank upon his hands. What did his visitor mean by
+accusing him of not making his appearance at the appointed
+time? It was exactly quarter-past Twelve
+when he left the house. "I see how it is," murmured
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>, between his hands; "the boy has been
+taking something hot."</p>
+
+
+<p class="gentitle">CHAPTER VI.&mdash;ANOTHER VISITOR.</p>
+
+<p>The ladies were taking their usual promenade
+through the main corridor of the jail, curiously gazing
+at times through the newly-grated door at the
+prisoners in the main room, and seasoning their morning
+<!--047.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[p. 48]</a></span>
+gossip with piquant observations on the probable
+execution of the horrid creatures there confined.
+Mrs. <span class="smcap">Peyton</span> took occasion to inform Mrs. <span class="smcap">Mason</span> that
+she wouldn't pass a day without taking a look at the
+wretches for all the world; and Mrs. <span class="smcap">Mason</span> informed
+Mrs. <span class="smcap">Peyton</span> that her life would hardly be endurable
+if she did not live in hope of seeing all the Abolitionists
+there yet. Here young Mr. <span class="smcap">Baron</span> ventured to
+intimate that the Yankee prisoners were fortunate in
+being favored with such an array of <i>fair</i> before them;
+for which he was saluted as an "absurd thing," and
+received a shower of taps from adjacent fans.</p>
+
+<p>Miss <span class="smcap">Adams</span> led her companion, a neighbor's child,
+to where a keeper was leaning idly against the wall.</p>
+
+<p>"Are these all your prisoners?" she asked.</p>
+
+<p>"All but one that was taken last night and is up
+stairs," replied the official.</p>
+
+<p>"Is that one on exhibition?"</p>
+
+<p>"I reckon he is, if you want to see him."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Miss <span class="smcap">Adams</span>, with an assumption of
+indifference, "I don't know that it's worth while; but&mdash;well,
+I reckon I <i>will</i> look at him."</p>
+
+<p>"This way, then, if you please," said the keeper,
+leading the way up an adjacent flight of stairs and
+conducting the fair one to the room occupied by Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Peters</span>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Bob</span> was gazing gloomily out of the window and
+did not recognize the presence of his new guests until
+the end of a parasol touched his shoulder.</p>
+
+<p>"Miss <span class="smcap">Adams</span>!" he exclaimed, offering his hand.</p>
+
+<p>The young lady tossed her head haughtily:
+<!--048.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[p. 49]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"I don't wish to shake hands with an enemy of
+my country, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"I see," said <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, coolly, "the presence of a third
+party obliges us to vail our emotions. Keeper, leave
+the saloon."</p>
+
+<p>"Pay no attention to him, Keeper," retorted <span class="smcap">Eve</span>,
+indignantly, "I wish your attendance."</p>
+
+<p>Not at all abashed by the severity of her tone, Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Peters</span> nodded to the officer and smiled pleasantly.</p>
+
+<p>"Then I must expose you with a witness to it," he
+said, good-naturedly; "you are offended, Miss <span class="smcap">Eve</span>
+because I did not comply with your kind note and
+meet your friends at a quarter-of Twelve, instead of
+walking straight into trouble at quarter-past, as I did."</p>
+
+<p>"You are beneath my notice," was the answer of
+Miss <span class="smcap">Adams</span>; "but since you choose to speak so I
+must explain myself to this good man here. You are
+indebted to me for your present situation. I am a
+Southern woman, sir, and it was my duty as a Southerner,
+to see that you did not escape to injure our
+cause by telling some of your Northern falsehoods
+about us. I wrote you the note you speak of in order
+that you might be drawn from your hiding place, and
+also one to the authorities putting them on the watch.
+I may be a woman, but I have the heart of a man."</p>
+
+<p>If Miss <span class="smcap">Adams</span> did <i>not</i> have the heart of a man it
+was owing to no neglect on her part of any possible
+means to catch such a heart. That is to say, all her
+dearest and most intimate female friends said so.</p>
+
+<p>Her speech was evidently intended to impress the
+prisoner with a torturing sense of woman's vengeance,
+but, contrary to her expectation, Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span> received
+<!--049.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[p. 50]</a></span>
+it with the utmost complacency. In fact, he even
+evinced a playful disposition and favored the attentive
+keeper with an insidious wink.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't doubt that your intentions were excellent,
+Miss <span class="smcap">Eve</span>," said Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, with an air of great
+enjoyment; "but they did not work as well as your
+affectionate heart designed. Because&mdash;you see&mdash;I
+did'nt come out at a quarter of Twelve at all, nor did
+I follow any of your directions. Oh, no! It was just
+quarter-past Twelve by my repeater when I departed
+from my late residence, and it's my private opinion
+that your dear friend, Miss <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span>, had the privilege
+of being my adviser on that nocturnal occasion.
+Don't let your sensitive soul be afflicted with the
+thought that <i>you</i> have wronged confiding innocence,"
+added <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, pathetically, "for I do assure you that you
+are as guiltless as the child unborn."</p>
+
+<p>"What do you mean, sir?" asked <span class="smcap">Eve</span>, in some
+haste; "were you not arrested at a quarter of
+Twelve?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why no!" said <span class="smcap">Bob</span>. "Don't I tell you that I
+didn't break cover until quarter-past?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, sir," snarled <span class="smcap">Eve</span>, with no little irritation,
+"you're here at any rate, and I hope you'll enjoy the
+society of your Yankee friends down stairs. I hope
+you'll all be hung. I do."</p>
+
+<p>And the injured fair swept magnificently from the
+room, dragging with her the neighbor's child, and leaving
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span> alone with the keeper.</p>
+
+<p>"I say, she's a spunky one," remarked the latter.
+"It's a pity you really did'nt wait till quarter-past. I
+<!--050.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[p. 51]</a></span>
+would'nt trust a woman with such eyes as hers&mdash;I
+would'nt."</p>
+
+<p>"And I didn't trust them," said <span class="smcap">Bob</span>. "It was full
+quarter-past by my repeater when I came out, and if
+I'm betrayed it's by another woman."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, come now," put in the keeper, deprecatingly,
+"it's all right, you know, between us two. It was'nt
+but quarter-past when I locked you in here, you
+know."</p>
+
+<p>"What!" exclaimed <span class="smcap">Bob</span>.</p>
+
+<p>"Fact," said the keeper.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span> deliberately drew out his watch and
+held it up in full view.</p>
+
+<p>"By all that's true!" said <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, "it was quarter-past
+Twelve by that repeater before I was taken last
+night."</p>
+
+<p>The rebel official looked steadily into the eyes of
+his prisoner for a moment, and then withdrew hurriedly
+and in silence. He evidently mistrusted the
+sincerity of Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>, or believed that a man with
+such a fast watch was too much ahead of <i>his</i> time to
+be trusted without a watch of a different kind.</p>
+
+
+<p class="gentitle">CHAPTER VII.&mdash;UNION SENTIMENT DEVELOPING.</p>
+
+<p>If some modern <span class="smcap">Burton</span> would supply the world
+with an Anatomy of Patriotism, <i>mon ami</i>, I am
+inclined to believe that his first discovery in the process
+of dissection would be, that the modern quality
+of that name is essentially lacking in the anatomical
+<!--051.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[p. 52]</a></span>
+composite of back-bone. Ordinary patriotism in practice,
+as far as I have been able to observe it, is equivalent,
+in general aspect and result, to an irresistible
+force in contact with an immovable body, those who
+are chiefly carried away with it metaphorically being
+the last to yield to its impulsion personally. In short,
+the quality appears to be a sentiment rather than
+a motive in its character, and moves us to inspire
+others rather oftener than it inspires us to move ourselves.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Victor E. Ordeth</span> was a patriot in the conventional
+sense of the term, and when the Southern heart
+was first fired he took a very large ember to his own
+bosom. None could be more ready to repudiate all
+their Northern debts than was Mr. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> to repudiate
+his, and his deadly hatred of the Abolitionist
+was only equaled by that of a New England man
+owning a colored drayman, and living next door to
+him. "We will raise a million of soldiers if need
+be," said the chivalrous Virginian at a public meeting
+in Richmond, "and sacrifice our last crust." After
+which he went comfortably home and growled very
+much at the dampness of his slippers and the barely
+perceptible chill in his buttered toast. Great admiration
+was evoked on all sides by this spirited conduct,
+and when he finally donated one hundred dollars
+of his creditors' money to the Volunteer fund,
+there was some talk of making him a brigadier; but
+it happened to leak out that he knew something of
+military business from early study, and, of course,
+that project had to be given up. A brigadier with
+military capability would be an anomaly indeed!
+<!--052.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[p. 53]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>And so, this self-sacrificed gentleman meekly wore
+his honors in private life, his patriotism deepening
+and intensifying until it attained the pitch of verbal
+perfection demonstrated in the first chapter of this
+veracious narrative. Suddenly, however, this patriotism
+suffered what its possessor's pocket did not&mdash;a
+"sea change": the Confiscation Act passed by the
+Congress of the United States induced Mr. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> to
+consider seriously what might possibly happen to a
+certain little property of his near Danville, in the
+event of certain Union achievements; and the news
+of <span class="smcap">McClellan's</span> advance to within five miles of
+Richmond, did not tend to increase the patriotic fervor
+of this chivalrous Virginian.</p>
+
+<p>It was on the second morning after the summary
+incarceration of Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, that Mr. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> peremptorily
+called for his newspaper, and, having elevated
+his feet upon the window sill, proceeded to
+read the more humorous articles of the journal in
+question, which were chiefly devoted to the discussion
+of divers excellent plans for invading the North in
+one column, and burning Richmond in the next. The
+only other person in the apartment at the time was
+Mrs. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span>, who turned very pale when her lord
+took up his paper, and watched him as he read, with
+considerable agitation. She was evidently expecting
+an explosion, and it came.</p>
+
+<p>Having perused with mitigated satisfaction a leader
+on the sublime nobility of soul evidenced by the people
+who destroyed their city at the approach of the
+enemy, Mr. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> turned to the Local Department
+of the reduced sheet before him, and was electrified
+<!--053.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[p. 54]</a></span>
+at the discovery therein of a full and accurate account
+of the arrest of "one <span class="smcap">Robert Peters</span>, supposed to be
+a Yankee spy, who is said to have found refuge for
+some time past in the house of a well-known citizen,
+and who was seized at the instigation of a devoted
+Daughter of the South, who, by a pardonable device,
+lured him from his hiding place for that purpose. But
+for the disordered state of things just now, the citizen
+said to have harbored this fellow would be called to
+account for his equivocal concern in the matter."</p>
+
+<p>The paper dropped from the hands of Mr. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span>,
+and he stared at his wife in utter bewilderment.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't be angry with us, <span class="smcap">Victor</span>!" exclaimed that
+lady, tremblingly; for she had seen the paper and anticipated
+what was coming. "<span class="smcap">Libby</span> hid poor <span class="smcap">Bob</span>
+away because she didn't want to see one of our own
+relations taken and hung, and when she told me of it
+I didn't dare to tell you."</p>
+
+<p>"And do you mean to tell me that it was in <i>my</i>
+house he was secreted?" asked the Virginian, tragically.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, my dear, up-stairs, you know."</p>
+
+<p>This unexampled revelation might have produced a
+scene, had not the door been opened at the moment
+by <span class="smcap">Jocko</span>, who unceremoniously entered with a folded
+paper in his hand.</p>
+
+<p>"Dis wus brung for you, Mars'r, by de angel ob de&mdash;I
+mean by de gemman wid gold on he shoulder."</p>
+
+<p>The master hastily snatched the paper from the dutiful
+black, waved him magisterially from the presence,
+and found himself ordered to report on the following
+morning for military duty at the headquarters
+<!--054.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[p. 55]</a></span>
+of the military commandant, Richmond. A new
+draft was ordered!</p>
+
+<p>Passing the paper to his wife, without a word of
+comment, Mr. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> commenced to pace the room
+with long and rapid strides. Finally, he stopped short
+before his lady's chair:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"I am beginning to think," said he, coolly, "that
+the Union is best for the South, after all."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, my dear."</p>
+
+<p>"And we must be off for Danville this very afternoon."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh!"</p>
+
+<p>A pause, and then&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"I was hasty about <span class="smcap">Bob</span>. My friend, <span class="smcap">General
+Evans</span>, has just come in from Leesburg. I must explain
+this matter to him and get <span class="smcap">Bob</span> discharged; for
+<span class="smcap">Bob</span> may be of great service to us, my dear, when the
+Yankees take possession."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span> understood her husband well enough
+to appreciate this remarkable change in his sentiments,
+and refrained from exhibiting any astonishment
+at this speech. She only answered:</p>
+
+<p>"You know best, <span class="smcap">Victor</span>."</p>
+
+<p>The head of the house received this judicious reply
+in full payment of all demands on his wife's attention,
+and immediately went forth to put his designs into execution&mdash;as
+fine a specimen of the Southern Union
+man as ever welcomed the advent of the loyal army
+with enthusiasm, and immediately presented a bill for
+damages sustained in the cause of Freedom!
+<!--055.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[p. 56]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<p class="gentitle">CHAPTER VIII.&mdash;WITHOUT END.</p>
+
+<p>Seated upon the lounge where <i>he</i> so often had rested,
+with her elbows resting upon the table on which
+<i>his</i> arms had so frequently reposed, sat the afflicted
+<span class="smcap">Libby</span>. She had heard her paternal leave the house
+an hour before, and she had just heard the sound of
+his boots in the hall below as he returned; but she
+felt no desire to learn the reason thereof. Like her
+mother, she had seen the account of <span class="smcap">Mr. Peters</span>' arrest
+in the morning paper, and her bewilderment at the
+statement respecting the device used to entrap that
+persecuted youth by a Daughter of the South, was
+only equalled by her grief at the unfortunate present
+predicament of her lover. So absorbed was she in
+her sorrows that she heard not the opening of the
+parlor door below her, nor the sound of footsteps on
+the stairs:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Miss <span class="smcap">Ordeth</span>!"</p>
+
+<p>Was it a dream? The beautiful mourner turned
+quickly in the direction of the sound, and beheld the
+bodily presentment of Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, who stood
+near the door with his shocking bad hat between his
+hands and an expression of stern reproach upon his
+countenance.</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Bob!</span>&mdash;you here?" exclaimed the maiden, starting
+from her seat with a little shriek.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>, if you please, Madame," said the late
+captive, with much dignity. "Owing to a great
+spread of Union sentiment in the bosom of your paternal
+<!--056.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[p. 57]</a></span>
+relative, and his consequent representation in my
+behalf, I <i>am</i> here, to blast you with the sight of the
+innocence you have betrayed! I slipped up here to
+confront you, Madame," observed Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>, with
+some ease of manner, "while the old ones were packing
+the silver-plated spoons preparatory to a combined
+movement on the peaceful hamlet of Danville."</p>
+
+<p>"What do you mean, you ridiculous thing?" asked
+<span class="smcap">Libby</span>, scarcely believing her own ears.</p>
+
+<p>"That we must part," returned Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>, calmly
+straightening an angle in the rim of his hat. "You
+named an hour for my nocturnal escape&mdash;quarter-past
+Twelve. I fled the Residence at that unseemly hour,
+though another maiden had previously invited me to
+liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I went, and
+walked straight into the arms of the unsleeping
+Southern Confederacy, who was inebriated at the
+time, and conducted me to the penal pork-packing establishment.
+Enough! we part. I go to Danville
+with you, but only as an ordinary acquaintance of
+chilling reserve."</p>
+
+<p>"Why <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, what can you mean?" ejaculated
+<i>Libby</i>, to whom this remarkable speech was not particularly
+lucid; "it was not my fault that you were
+taken. If you had gone at quarter-past Twelve, as I
+told you, all would have been well. Oh, <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, when
+<span class="smcap">Jocko</span> told me next morning that he had waited for
+you a whole hour in the hall in vain, and when ma
+and I found that you had really gone at the wrong
+time, I sat right down and cried my eyes out."</p>
+
+<p>"The wrong time!" exclaimed Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>, striding
+suddenly toward the mirror. "Impossible! Observe
+<!--057.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[p. 58]</a></span>
+this repeater of mine, which is a reliable time-piece.
+On the night in question, this repeater was plainly
+before me, hanging on this gas bracket, before this
+looking-glass." Here Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span> illustrated his assertion
+by suspending his watch from the bracket, under
+which it spun feebly for a moment. "At the very
+instant of my waking from a temporary slumber, I
+caught sight of this same repeater in the glass, and&mdash;why!
+what's this?"</p>
+
+<p>In a moment every vestige of resentment had faded
+from the features of Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span>, and he stood
+staring at the reflection of his watch in the glass with
+the look of a man in the last stage of wonder.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Libby</span> timidly drew near and placed a hand on his arm.</p>
+
+<p>"What's the matter, dear?"</p>
+
+<p>"What time is it now by the repeater?" asked Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Peters</span>, excitedly, but without moving his eyes.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, it's ten minutes past Ten," replied <span class="smcap">Libby</span>,
+glancing at the face of the watch as it appeared in the
+mirror, and wondering what would come next.</p>
+
+<p>"Look again!!" thundered Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>.</p>
+
+<p>"Why," repeated <span class="smcap">Libby</span>, half-frightened, "it's ten
+minutes past Ten."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Bob Peters</span> deliberately took down his watch
+and pointed convulsively at its face with one finger.
+The time was ten minutes <i>of</i> Ten!</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Peters</span>' first act was to clasp the maiden to his
+bosom and kiss her unceremoniously. Then releasing
+her, he took two steps in a popular break-down and
+burst into a stentorian peal of laughter.</p>
+
+<p>"I shall have to call Pa," said poor <span class="smcap">Libby</span>.</p>
+
+<p>"Not a bit of it!" shouted <span class="smcap">Bob</span>, ceasing his Terpsichoreanism
+<!--058.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[p. 59]</a></span>
+for a moment; "don't you see the joke?
+It's all in the looking-glass, my pet. When I thought
+it was a quarter past Twelve and fled the residence, it
+was really a quarter <i>of</i> Twelve&mdash;don't you see? The
+looking-glass <i>reversed the hands on the watch</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>And so it was, <i>mon ami</i>. Hold your own time-piece
+with its face to a mirror, and you will "see the
+point."</p>
+
+<p>But what can excuse that General who, after leading
+the whole country to expect that he would take
+Richmond in time for me to conclude this picture of
+Southern life, as I originally planned to do, now
+changes his base of operation in a strategic manner,
+and introduces a fizzle into romantic literature&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<div style="padding-top: 1.5em"></div>
+
+<p>Here Smith-Brown, who happened to be awake,
+coughed intrusively, my boy, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"The fault is not the General's, my friend. The
+Secretary of War is alone to blame for it. He has
+killed literature."</p>
+
+<p>How true was that speech, my boy. The Secretary
+is indeed responsible for this literary disaster, as well
+for everything else; and if he ever undertakes to stand
+on his own responsibility, he will find plenty of room
+to move about.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Yours, droopingly,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<!--059.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[p. 60]</a></span></p>
+<h3><a name="LETTER_LV" id="LETTER_LV"></a>LETTER LV.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>SETTING FORTH A NEW VILLAINY OF THE INSIDIOUS BLACK REPUBLICANS,
+AND DESCRIBING THE THRILLING CONSTITUTIONAL BATTLE
+OF DUCK LAKE.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, July 12th, 1862.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>Owing to the persistent stupidity of Congress and
+the hideously-treasonable machinations of the unscrupulous
+black republicans, my boy, the weather still
+continues very hot; and unless the thermometer falls
+very soon, an exhausted populace will demand an immediate
+change in the Cabinet. I am very warm, my
+boy&mdash;I am very warm; and when I reflect upon the
+agency of the abolitionists, who have brought this sort
+of thing about for the express purpose of injuring my
+Constitution, I am impelled to ask myself: Did our
+revolutionary forefathers indeed expire in vain? O
+my country! my country! it is very warm.</p>
+
+<p>Such weather, my boy, is particularly trying to
+Sergeant O'Pake's friend,</p>
+
+
+<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 4em"> THE IRISH PICKET.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I'm shtanding in the mud, Biddy,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">With not a spalpeen near,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And silence, spaichless as the grave,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Is all the sound I hear.<br /></span>
+<!--060.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[p. 61]</a></span>
+<span class="i0">Me gun is at a showlder arms,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">I'm wetted to the bone,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And whin I'm afther shpakin' out,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">I find meself alone.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">This Southern climate's quare, Biddy,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A quare and bastely thing,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Wid Winter absint all the year,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And Summer in the Spring.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ye mind the hot place down below?<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And may ye niver fear<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I'd dhraw comparisons&mdash;but then<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">It's awful warrum here.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The only moon I see, Biddy,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Is one shmall star, asthore,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And that's fornint the very cloud<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">It was behind before;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The watchfires glame along the hill<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That's swellin' to the south,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And whin the sentry passes them<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">I see his oogly mouth.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">It's dead for shlape I am, Biddy,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And dramein shwate I'd be,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If them ould rebels over there<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Would only lave me free;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But when I lane against a shtump<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And shtrive to get repose,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A musket ball he's comin' shtraight<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To hit me spacious nose.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">It's ye I'd like to see, Biddy,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A shparkin' here wid me<br /></span>
+<!--061.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[p. 62]</a></span>
+<span class="i0">And then, avourneen, hear ye say,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">"Acushla&mdash;Pat&mdash;machree!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Och, Biddy darlint," then says I,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Says you, "get out of that;"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Says I, "me arrum mates your waist,"<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Says you, "be daycent, Pat."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And how's the pigs and ducks, Biddy?<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">It's them I think of, shure,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That looked so innocent and shwate<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Upon the parlor flure;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I'm shure ye're aisy with the pig<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That's fat as he can be,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And fade him wid the best, because<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">I'm towld he looks like me.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Whin I come home again, Biddy,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A sargent tried and thrue,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It's joost a daycent house I'll build<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And rint it chape to you.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We'll have a parlor, bedroom, hall,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A duck-pond nately done,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With kitchen, pig-pen, praty-patch,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And garret&mdash;all in one<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">But, murther! there's a baste, Biddy,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That's crapin' round a tree,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And well I know the crature's there<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To have a shot at me.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Now, Misther Rebel, say yere prayers,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And howld yer dirthy paw,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Here goes!&mdash;be jabers, Biddy dear,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">I've broke his oogly jaw!<br /></span>
+<!--062.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[p. 63]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<p>I was talking some moments ago with a Regimental
+Surgeon, who has more patients on a monument than
+Shakspere ever dreamed about, and says he: "In
+consequence of the great number of troops now about
+this city, all the oxygen in the atmosphere is exhausted,
+and we are very warm. Had all these troops
+been sent to McClellan two weeks ago," says he, using
+his lancet to pick a dead fly out of his tumbler, "we
+might be able to keep cool now. There is a terrible
+responsibility on somebody's shoulders."</p>
+
+<p>That's very true, my boy, and it's very warm.</p>
+
+<p>There was a panic this morning in financial circles,
+owing to the frantic conduct of a gambling chap from
+the Senate, who has been saving up money to bet on
+the fall of Richmond, and was trying to put it out at
+interest. "I'll take seven per cent. for it the first
+year," says he, anxiously, "and leave it standing until
+national strategy comes to a head."</p>
+
+<p>A broker took it for five years, my boy, with the
+privilege of extending the time after each fresh victory.</p>
+
+<p>Speaking of victories, my boy, I was present at the
+recent series of triumphs by the Mackerel Brigade, on
+the left shore of Duck Lake, and witnessed a succession
+of feats calculated to culminate either in the fall
+of Richmond or the fall of the year.</p>
+
+<p>From the head-quarters in the city of Paris to the
+brink of Duck Lake, the Mackerels were drawn up in
+gorgeous line of battle, their bayonets resembling
+somewhat an uncombed head of steel hair, and their
+noses looking like a wavy strip of summer sunset. By
+their last great stragetical man&#339;uvre, they had lured
+the Southern Confederacy to court its own destruction
+<!--063.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[p. 64]</a></span>
+by flanking them at both ends of the line, and they
+were only waiting for the master-mind to give them
+the signal.</p>
+
+<p>Samyule Sa-mith advanced from this place in the
+staff as I rode up, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"Comrades, the General depends on you to precede
+him to glory. We had hoped," says Samyule, feelingly,
+"to have the company of two French counts in
+this day's slaughter; but those two noble Gauls had
+not time to wait, as they desired to visit the Great Exhibition
+in London."</p>
+
+<p>These remarks were well received, my boy; and
+when the order was given for Company 3, Regiment
+5, to detour to the left, it would have been promptly
+obeyed but for an unforeseen incident. Just as Captain
+Villiam Brown was about to break line for the
+purpose, an aged chap came dashing down from a
+First Family country-seat near by, and says he to the
+General of the Mackerel Brigade:</p>
+
+<p>"I demand a guard for my premises immediately.
+My wife," says he, with dignity, "has just been making
+a custard-pie for the sick Confederacies in the hospital,
+and as she has just set it out to cool near where
+my little boy shot one of your vandals this morning,
+she is afraid it might be taken by your thieving mudsills
+when they came after the body. I, therefore,
+demand a guard for my premises, in the name of the
+Constitution of our forefathers."</p>
+
+<p>Here Captain Bob Shorty stepped forward, and
+says he:</p>
+
+<p>"What does the Constitution say about custard pie,
+Mr. Davis?"
+<!--064.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[p. 65]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The aged chap spat at him, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"I claim protection under that clause which refers
+to the pursuit of happiness. Custard pies," says he,
+reasoningly, "are included in the pursuit of happiness."</p>
+
+<p>"That's very true," says the General, looking kindly
+over his fan at the venerable petitioner. "Let a
+guard be detailed to protect this good old man's premises.
+We are fighting <i>for</i> the Constitution, not
+against it."</p>
+
+<p>A guard was detailed, my boy, with orders to make
+no resistance if they were fired upon occasionally from
+the windows of the house; and then Captain Villiam
+Brown pushed forward with what was left of Company
+3, to engage the Confederacy on the edge of Duck
+Lake, supported by the Orange County Howitzers.
+Headed by the band, who played patriotic airs as
+soon as he could shake the crumbs out of his key-bugle,
+the cavalcade advanced to the edge of the lake
+and opened a heavy salute of round shot and musketry
+on the atmosphere, whilst Commodore Head kept up
+a hot fire at the horizon with his iron-plated fleet and
+swivel gun.</p>
+
+<p>Only waiting to finish a game of base ball, in which
+they had been engaged, four regiments of Confederacies,
+at whom this deadly assault was directed, threw
+aside their bats and ball dresses, put on their uniforms,
+loaded their muskets and batteries, and sent an
+iron shower in all directions. Greatly demoralized by
+this unseemly occurrence, a file of Mackerels under
+Sergeant O'Pake immediately threw down their muskets
+and knapsacks, emptied their pockets upon the
+<!--065.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[p. 66]</a></span>
+ground, piled their neckties in a heap, and were making
+a rapid retrograde movement, when Villiam suddenly
+threw himself in their path, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"Where are you going to, my fearless eaglets?"</p>
+
+<p>"Hem!" says the sergeant, with much French in
+his manner, "we thought of visiting the Great Exhibition
+in London."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah!" says Villiam, understandingly, "you have
+acquired French in one easy lesson, and&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>Here an orderly rode up with an order for the
+Mackerels to fall back from the edge of the Lake immediately,
+leaving their artillery, bayonets, havelocks,
+and baggage behind them; and Villiam was obliged
+to conduct the movement, which was a part of the
+strategical scheme of the General of the Mackerel
+Brigade. As we retreated back into Paris, my boy,
+we were joined by the Conic Section, and shortly after
+by the Anatomical Cavalry, both of which had succeeded
+in leaving all their accoutrements on the field.</p>
+
+<p>As we all rushed together before head-quarters in
+perfect order, and while the Confederacy was eating
+some provisions, which we had refrained from bringing
+off the late scene of conflict, the General of the
+Mackerel Brigade came from under a tree, where he
+had been tanning himself, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"My children, we have whipped them at all points,
+and the day is ours."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah!" says Villiam, abstractedly, "the day is
+hours."</p>
+
+<p>"My children," says the General, in continuation,
+"we have pushed the enemy to the wall without fracturing
+the Constitution, and have only put the war
+<!--066.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[p. 67]</a></span>
+back six months. We can say with pride, my children,
+that we belong to the Army of Duck Lake, and
+shall have no more Bull Runs. My children, I love
+you. Accept my blessing."</p>
+
+<p>We were reflecting upon this soul-stirring speech,
+my boy, and silently admiring the strategy which had
+brought us all together again so soon, when the sound
+of drum and fife called our attention to a club of political
+chaps who had just arrived by steamer from the
+Sixth Ward, and were filing past us to a platform recently
+erected in the very centre of Paris.</p>
+
+<p>"I do believe," says Captain Bob Shorty, whisperingly,
+"I do believe we're going to have a mass meeting."</p>
+
+<p>Onward went the political chaps to the platform.</p>
+
+<p>A delegation mounted the steps, advanced to the
+front rails, and commenced unfurling a vast linen
+banner. The sun was just setting, my boy, and as his
+parting beams fell upon the uplifted faces of the political
+chaps, a soft breeze unrolled the standard, and the
+Mackerels read upon its folds&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="center" style="width: 22em; margin: auto; border: dotted 2px; padding: 1em;">
+<div style="display: inline; line-height: 2em;">
+REGULAR CONSERVATIVE NOMINATION<br />
+FOR<br />
+PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES<br />
+IN 1865.<br />
+THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<p>Shall it be said, after this, that republics are ungrateful?
+I think not, my boy&mdash;I think not. We
+<!--067.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[p. 68]</a></span>
+have won a great and glorious victory, and the only
+question remaining to be answered is, Who is responsible
+for it, my boy&mdash;who is responsible for it?</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Yours, in bewilderment,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<!--068.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[p. 69]</a></span></p>
+<h3><a name="LETTER_LVI" id="LETTER_LVI"></a>LETTER LVI.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>WHEREIN ARE PRESENTED SOME FEMININE REFERENCES, AN ANECDOTE
+BY THE EXECUTIVE, AND CERTAIN NOTES OF A VISIT TO THE
+FESTIVE SHENANDOAH VALLEY.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, July 19th, 1862.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>Permit me to return thanks through your mail, my
+boy, for a large feather fan recently consigned to my
+address by one of the admiring Women of America.
+It looks like a tail freshly plucked from a large-sized
+American eagle, and is decorated with a French-plate
+mirror in the centre and other French plates around
+the edges. The kind-hearted woman of America (who
+writes from Boston) says in her presentation note&mdash;"I
+admire to see a fan in the hands of the sterner sex; for
+it shows that the same hero-fist that grasps the sword
+has enough inherent gentleness to wave the cooling
+bauble. Such is life. The hand which falls like
+a hundred pounds of granite on the flinty eye of his
+ke-yuntery's foes has the softness of a blessing when
+it caresses the golden head of plastic childhood.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Yours, gushingly,      Zephyrina Percy."<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>I find the "cooling bauble" very useful to brush the
+flies from my gothic steed Pegasus, my boy, and am
+a fanatic "to this extent, no more."</p>
+
+<!--069.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[p. 70]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>And here is what another young woman of America
+says to me in a note:</p>
+
+<div style="padding-top: 1.5em"></div>
+
+<p>"My ma requests me to tell you that you ought to
+be ashamed of yourself, you hateful thing, for encouraging
+the vulgar people to be in favor of this nasty
+war, that is causing their superiors so much trouble,
+and has driven away the opera, and made enemies of
+those nice Southerners, with their beautiful big eyes
+and elegant swearing. Why don't you advocate a
+compromise, or a Habeas Corpus, or some other paper
+with names to it, and get Mr. Lincoln to stop the Constitution
+and order the war to be ended before there's
+any more assassinations and things? My pa was once
+a leather banker, and sold shoes for plantation servants,
+and made a great deal of money by it; but now
+he's a captain, or a surveyor, or some ridiculous thing,
+of the Home Guard, and may be massacred in cold
+blood the first time there's a battle in our neighborhood.
+My pa has to go to drill every night, and when
+he comes home in the morning he's so worn out with
+exhaustion that I've known him to lay right down in
+the hall and shed tears. My ma often says, that if
+Beauregard, or Palmerston, or any other foes should
+attack our house while pa is in that state, it would kill
+her dead. And I know it would make me so nervous
+that I should be a perfect fright for a week. My brother,
+Adolphus, has likewise joined the Home Guard,
+and has already had a bloody engagement with a
+Southerner named Tailor, who used to sell him clothes
+when the two sections were at peace. Adolphus says
+if it hadn't been for his double-quick, or some ridiculous
+<!--070.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[p. 71]</a></span>
+military thing or other, he would have been made
+a prisoner. It makes me sick to see how much lowness
+there is about Adolphus since he joined the ridiculous
+army; he calls his dinner 'rations,' and addresses me
+as 'Corporal Lollypop,' (the absurd thing!) and calls
+ma's crinoline a 'counter-scarp.'</p>
+
+<p>"My pa says that he shall have to sell the carriage
+and the beautiful dog-cart if this hateful war don't end
+by the first of next month; and when I asked him yesterday
+if we couldn't have the gothic villa next to the
+Jones's at Newport this summer, he actually swore!
+The Joneses, you know, are very pleasant, sociable,
+vulgar sort of people, with a little money; and it
+would kill me to see them putting on airs over us because
+we didn't happen to take a cottage with bow-windows
+like them. My pa says that old Jones has got a
+contract to make clothes for the soldiers, and has made
+a great deal of money by manufacturing coats and
+other ridiculous things out of blue paper instead of
+cloth. Augustus Jones says if he don't meet me at
+Newport this summer he will enlist as soon as he comes
+back; and it would be just like the absurd creature to
+do it. I don't see why pa can't get out an indictment
+or something against the blockade, and call on the
+postmaster or some other ridiculous thing to send his
+new stock of plantation shoes to Alabama under a
+guard, and bring back the money. I don't see the
+use of living in a republic if one can't do that much.
+My ma says that you newspaper people could stop the
+dreadful war if you would only advocate compromises
+and things, and not be so ridiculous. Why can't you
+leave out some of those absurd advertisements, and
+<!--071.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[p. 72]</a></span>
+publish an article telling Mr. Lincoln that the war is
+ruining society? If it continues much longer, I shall
+have to wear my last year's bonnet a whole month,
+and I'd rather die. Do say something absurd, you
+ridiculous thing."</p>
+
+<div style="padding-top: 1.5em"></div>
+
+<p>Have the war stopped right away, my boy,&mdash;have
+the war stopped right away.</p>
+
+<p>Matters and things here are still in a strategic condition,
+and naught has disturbed our monotony, for a
+week, save a story they tell about the Honest Old Abe.
+It seems that two of the conservative Border State
+chaps, who are here for the express purpose of protesting
+against everything whatever, had a discussion
+about the Honest Abe, and one chap bet the other
+chap five dollars that he couldn't, by any possible
+means, speak to the President without hearing a small
+anecdote.</p>
+
+<p>"Done!" says the other chap, gleefully, "I'll take
+the bet."</p>
+
+<p>That very same night, at about twelve o'clock, he
+tore frantically up to the White House, and commenced
+thundering at the door like King Richard at
+the gates of Ascalon. The Honest Abe stuck his
+night-capped head out of the window, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"Is that you, Mr. Seward?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, sir," says the Border State chap, glaring up
+through the darkness. "I'm a messenger from the
+army. Another great strategic movement has taken
+place, and our whole army have been taken prisoners
+by the Southern Confederacy. In fact," says the conservative
+<!--072.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[p. 73]</a></span>
+chap, frantically, "the backbone of the rebellion
+is broken <span class="smcap">AGAIN</span>."</p>
+
+<p>"Hem!" says the Honest Abe, shaking a musquito
+from his nightcap, "this strategy reminds me of a little
+story. There was a man, out in Iowa, sat down to
+play a game of checkers with another man, inducing
+his friends around him to lend him the change necessary
+for stakes. He played and he played, and he
+lost the first game. Then he played much more cautiously,
+and lost the next game. His friends commenced
+to grumble; but, says he: 'Don't you worry
+yourselves, boys, and I'll show you a cute move
+pretty soon.' So he played, and he played, and he
+lost the third game. 'Don't be impatient, boys,' says
+he; 'you'll see that great move pretty soon, I tell
+you.' Then he played with great care, taking a long
+time to consider every move, and, by way of change,
+lost the fourth game. Close attention to what he was
+about, and much minute calculation, also enabled him
+to lose the fifth game. By this time his friends
+had lent him all their change, and began to think
+it was time for that great move of his to come off.
+'Have you any more change?' says he. 'Why, no,'
+says they. 'Then,' says he, with great spirit, 'the
+time for that move I was telling you about has come at
+last.' As he commenced to rise from his chair, instead
+of continuing to play, his cleaned-out friends bethought
+themselves to ask him what that famous
+move was? 'Why,' says he, pleasantly, 'it's to move
+off for a little more change.'"</p>
+
+<p>At the conclusion of this quaint tale, my boy, the
+Border State chap fled groaning to his quarters at
+<!--073.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[p. 74]</a></span>
+Willard's, stuck a five-dollar Treasury Note under the
+pillow of the other Border State chap, and immediately
+took the evening train for the West.</p>
+
+<p>Such is the story they tell, my boy; but I'm inclined
+to accept it merely as a work of fiction, with a truthful
+moral. Certain it is, that as strategy increases,
+small change grows scarcer, and it is the general opinion
+that no small change is needed in military matters.</p>
+
+<p>In company with a patriotic democratic chap, who
+had come up from New York, for the express purpose
+of seeing that the negroes of the Southern Confederacy
+were not permitted to inform our forces of the
+movements of the enemy in contravention of the Constitution,
+I made a reconnoissance in force, on Monday,
+to the festive Shenandoah Valley. On our way
+thither, the democratic chap was greatly bitten by
+musquitos, for which he justly blamed the black republicans,
+who are trying to break up this Government,
+and on our arrival near Winchester, we stumbled
+upon a phlegmatic fellow-man in a swallow-tailed
+coat and green spectacles, who was seated on a stone
+by the roadside, reading the "Impending Crisis."
+The democratic chap passed on, swearing, to the nearest
+camp; but I paused before this interesting student.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, old swallow-tails," says I, affably, "what are
+you doing in this section?"</p>
+
+<p>He looked up at me with great severity of countenance,
+and says he: "I have come here, young man, to
+agitate the Negro Question; to open African schools;
+<!--074.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[p. 75]</a></span>
+and, peradventure, to start a water cure establishment."</p>
+
+<p>"What for?" says I.</p>
+
+<p>"For the love of my species," says he, eagerly,
+"and for any little contract in the way of red breeches
+and spelling books that may be required for the reclaimed
+contrabands?"</p>
+
+<p>Was this a case of purely disinterested philanthropy?
+Perhaps so, my boy, perhaps so; but the
+old swallow-tails reminded of a chap I once knew in
+the Sixth Ward. He was a high toned moral chap of
+much shirt-collar, with a voice that sounded like a
+mosquito in the bottom of a fish-horn, and a chin like
+a creased apple-dumpling. Years before he had married
+a Southern crinoline and talked about the glories
+of slavery in a polished and high-moral way; but as
+there happened just then to be a chance for him
+to run for alderman on the abolition ticket, he experienced
+a change of heart, and addressed a meeting
+on the evils of human bondage: "My friends," says
+he, patting his stomach in a heartfelt manner, "I
+once lived at the South and owned slaves; but never
+could I feel that it was right. My pastor would say
+to me: 'These men-slaves are black, you say; but
+have they not the same feelings with you, the same
+features&mdash;only handsomer?' I felt this to be so, my
+friends; I commenced to appreciate the enormity of
+holding human souls in bondage."</p>
+
+<p>Here a susceptible venerable maiden in the audience
+became so overpowered by her emotions, that
+she placed her head in the lap of a respectable single
+gentleman, and fainted away.
+<!--075.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[p. 76]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"My friends," continued the high-toned moral chap,
+"I could not bear the stings of conscience; my nights
+were sleepless, but I slept during the day. There was
+I, pretending to be a Christian, yet holding men and
+women as chattels! Heavens himself was outraged
+by it, and I resolved to make a sacrifice for the sake
+of principle&mdash;to cease to be a slaveholder! I called
+my slaves together: I addressed them paternally and
+piously, and then I&mdash;(here the great, scalding tears
+rolled down the cheeks of the orator, and the audience
+sobbed horribly)&mdash;I bade them be good boys and girls,
+and then I&mdash;SOLD EVERY ONE OF THEM!"</p>
+
+<div class="center"><pre>       *       *       *       *       *</pre></div>
+
+<p>There was a movement of the audience toward the
+door. Men and women went out silently from the
+place, exchanging covert glances of smothered agitation
+with each other. Only one person remained with
+the orator. It was an old file with a blue umbrella,
+who had occupied a back seat and paid breathless attention
+to all the performances. After the others had
+left the hall, he walked deliberately from his seat to
+where the high-toned moral chap was still standing,
+and gazed into the face of the latter with an expression
+of unmitigated wonder. He then walked twice
+around him; having done which he confronted him
+again, thumped the ferule of his umbrella on the
+floor, and says he: "Well!" The old file paused an
+instant, and then says he: "well, I'll be dam," and
+waddled precipitately from the place.</p>
+
+<p>I've often thought of it since then, my boy; and
+I've always wondered why it was that the solitary
+<!--076.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[p. 77]</a></span>
+old file with the blue umbrella should say that he be
+dam.</p>
+
+<p>To return to Western Virginia; I found, upon my
+arrival in one of the camps near Winchester, that the
+patriotic democratic chap was making arrangements
+to divide the army there into Wards, instead of regiments,
+in order, as he said, that the returns might
+come in systematically.</p>
+
+<p>"For instance," says he, "suppose that in the skirmish
+with the Confederacy which is going on just
+ahead of us, we should lose&mdash;say seventy-five votes;
+how much easier it would be to say; the 'Fourth Ward
+shows a decrease since last year of seventy-five Republicans',
+than to say that such a regiment, of such
+a brigade, of such a division, has lost so and so?"</p>
+
+<p>I was reflecting upon this novel and admirable way
+of putting it, my boy, when an orderly came tearing
+in, with a report of the skirmishing going on.</p>
+
+<p>"Ha!" says the patriotic chap to him; "how does
+the canvas proceed?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well," says the orderly, breathlessly, "Banks' outpost
+has lost twenty votes in the Tenth Ward by desertions,
+and has thirty double-votes wounded; but I
+think Banks can still keep neck-and-neck with McDowell."</p>
+
+<p>"You do, hey?" says the patriotic chap, in great
+excitement. "Then McDowell must not lend Banks a
+single vote. Tell him to keep his Ward Committees
+under cover until Banks gets through with his canvas;
+for if he takes part in that, and the election results in
+a victory over the Confederacy, Banks will get all the
+<!--077.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[p. 78]</a></span>
+credit of it, and win the card in the next Nominating
+Convention."</p>
+
+<p>So McDowell's votes didn't re-enforce Banks in the
+skirmish, my boy, and Banks lost much popularity by
+being worsted, by the Confederacy.</p>
+
+<p>As soon as the firing had ceased, I went out to meet
+some of the returning Wards, and came plump upon
+the swallow-tail chap, who was agitating the negro
+question in a corner of the late battle-field, surrounded
+by fugitive contrabands.</p>
+
+<p>"Friend of the human race," says I, "how now?"</p>
+
+<p>"Young man," says he, hastily tying a red silk
+pocket-handkerchief about his head, "I am teaching
+these oppressed beings to spell, having extemporized
+a college on the very scene of their recent emancipation."</p>
+
+<p>"How far have the collegians progressed?" says I.</p>
+
+<p>"They have got," says he, "to their a-b, abs. Thus;
+a-b, ab; o-abo; l-i li, aboli; t-i-o-n shun&mdash;abolition."</p>
+
+<p>Shameful to relate, my boy, the swallow-tailed chap
+had no sooner said this, than a cavalry ward came
+charging helter-skelter, right through the college,
+tumbling the faculty into the mud, and bruising several
+sophomore graduates. Simultaneously, the patriotic
+democratic chap appeared on the scene, and insisted
+upon it that the contrabands should be immediately
+returned to the Southern Confederacy, as this
+is a white man's war. "Otherwise," says he, cholerically,
+"future reconciliation and reconstruction will
+be impossible."</p>
+
+<p>Fearful that I should become confused a little if I
+remained there any longer, my boy, I at once retired
+<!--078.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[p. 79]</a></span>
+from the place, in company with two sick votes, who
+were going home on furlough, and reached this city
+again in good order.</p>
+
+<p>Almost the first fellow-being I met on my return
+was a seedy and earnest chap from New York, who
+was worth about a quarter in ready money, and had
+come to Washington post-haste to pledge the Empire
+State's last dollar, and last drop of blood for the vigorous
+prosecution of the war.</p>
+
+<p>"See here, my self-denying Brutus," says I, as we
+took Richmond together at the bar, "who commissioned
+you to pledge so much as all that?"</p>
+
+<p>"To tell the truth," says the seedy chap, confidentially,
+"it's all I've got left to pledge. I pledged my
+pinchbeck chronometer for three dollars," says he,
+sadly, "just before I left New York; and I'm trying
+this pledge on speculation."</p>
+
+<p>I have sometimes feared, my boy, that our Uncle
+Samuel's concern is turning into a pawnbroking establishment
+on a large scale, where they make advances
+on everything tangible and intangible, except Richmond,
+my boy&mdash;except Richmond.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Yours, with a presentiment,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<!--079.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[p. 80]</a></span></p>
+<h3><a name="LETTER_LVII" id="LETTER_LVII"></a>LETTER LVII.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>SUGGESTING MENTAL RELAXATION FOR A TIME, AND INTRODUCING
+A FAMILIAR SKETCH OF THE WAR-STRICKEN DRAMA IN THE
+RURAL DISTRICTS.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, July 23d, 1862.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>Yesterday morning, my boy, I refreshed myself by
+a lounge across Long Bridge to the fields about Arlington
+Heights, where blooming Nature still has verdant
+spots untrampled by the iron heel of strategic
+war.</p>
+
+<p>How pleasant is it, my boy, to escape occasionally
+from the society of Congressmen and brigadiers, and
+take a lazy sprawl in the fragrant fields. It is the
+philosopher's way of enjoying Summer's</p>
+
+
+<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 5em">DOLCE FAR NIENTE.</p>
+
+<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 9em">I.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Still as a fly in amber, hangs the world<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">In a transparent sphere of golden hours,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With not enough of life in all the air<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To stir the shadows or to move the flowers;<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">And in the halo broods the angel Sleep,<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">Wooed from the bosom of the midnight deep<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">By her sweet sister Silence, wed to Noon.<br /></span>
+<!--080.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[p. 81]</a></span></div></div>
+
+
+<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 9em">II.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Held in a soft suspense of summer light,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The generous fields with all their bloom of wealth<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Bask in a dream of Plenty for the years,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And breathe the languor of untroubled Health.<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">Without a ripple stands the yellow wheat,<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">Like the Broad Seal of God upon the sheet<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Where Labor's signature appeareth soon.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 9em">III.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">As printed staves of thankful Nature's hymn,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The fence of rails a soothing grace devotes,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With clinging vines for bass and treble cleffs<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And wrens and robins here and there for notes;<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">Spread out in bars, at equal distance met,<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">As though the whole bright summer scene were set<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">To the unuttered melody of Rest!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 9em">IV.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Along the hill in light voluptuous wrapt<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The daisy droops amid the staring grass,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And on the plain the rose and lily wait<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">For Flora's whispers, that no longer pass;<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">While in the shade the violet of blue<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">Finds in the stillness reigning nature through,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">That which her gentle modesty loves best.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 9em">V.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The mill-wheel motionless o'ershades the pool,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">In whose frail crystal cups its circle dips;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The stream, slow curling, wanders in the sun<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And drains his kisses with its silver lips;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The birch canoe upon its shadow lies,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The pike's last bubble on the water dies,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The water lily sleeps upon her glass.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+<!--081.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[p. 82]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 9em">VI.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Here let me linger, in that waking sleep<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Whose dreams are all untinged with haunting dread<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of Morning's finger on the eyelids pressed,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To rouse the soul and leave the vision dead.<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">And while deep sunk in this soft ecstasy<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">I count the pulse of Heaven dreamily,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Let all life's bitterness behind me pass!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 9em">VII.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">How still each leaf of my oak canopy,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That holds a forest syllable at heart,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Yet cannot stir enough in all its veins<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To give the murmured woodland sentence start!<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">So still&mdash;so still all nature far and near,<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">As though the world had checked its breath to hear<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">An angel's message from the distant skies!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 9em">VIII.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">This one last glance at earth&mdash;one, only one&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To see, as through a vail, the gentle face<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Bent o'er me softly, with the timid love<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That half distrusts the sleep which gives it grace.<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">The thought that bids mine eyelids half unclose<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">Fades to a dream, and out from Summer goes,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">In the brown Autumn of her drooping eyes.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Thus irregular in rhythm and vagrant in measure, my
+boy, are the half-sleeping thoughts of a summer noon
+<!--082.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[p. 83]</a></span>
+in Virginia; and it was fully an hour before I could
+summon enough strength of mind to peruse a letter recently
+consigned to me by a rustic chap in my native
+village.</p>
+
+<p>This chap describes to me what he calls the "Downfall
+of the Dramy," and says he:</p>
+
+<div style="padding-top: 1.5em"></div>
+
+<p>The Dramy is a article for which I have great taste,
+and which I prefer to prayer-meeting as a regular thing.
+Since the time I wore breeches intended to facilitate frequent
+spankings, I have looked upon theatrical artiks
+with a speeshees of excitement not to be egspressed. I
+was once paying teller to a barber artik who shaved a
+great theatrical artik, and although the theatrical
+artik never could pay for his shaving until he drew
+his celery, he always frowned so splendidly when he
+turned down his collar, and said: "What ho! there
+Figaro," that my infant mind yearned to ask him for
+a few tickets to the show.</p>
+
+<p>This great respek for the dramy has grown with
+my hair, and since this high old war has desolated the
+dramy, my buzzom has been nothing else but a wilderness
+of pangs. The other evening, my fren&mdash;which
+is courting a six story house with a woman in
+the title deed&mdash;called at my shattoe, and proposed
+that we should wander amid the ruins of the dramy.
+"It's rejooced to a skellington," says he, quite mournful,
+"and its <i>E pluribus Onion</i> is gone down into the
+hocean wave." As my friend used this strong egspression,
+he tried to wink at me, but didn't get farther
+than a hik-cup. Arm in-arm, like two Siamese-twins
+in rejooced circumstances, we walked in speechless
+<!--083.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[p. 84]</a></span>
+silence to what was formerly the entrance half of a
+theatre in the pallermy days of the dramy. It was
+like the entrance to the great desert of Sary, and
+as we groped our way through the grass to the ticket
+office, I observed six wild geese and a raccoon in a
+jungle that was a umberella stand in the pallermy
+days. The treasurer was entirely covered with cobwebs,
+which had been accumulating since the day he
+last saw speshee, and when he at last tore himself out,
+the sight of the quarter which I handed in sent him
+into immediate convulsions.</p>
+
+<p>"Excuse me," says he, "if I weep over this preshus
+coin; but the force of old associations is too much for
+this affectionate heart."</p>
+
+<p>He then sent a fly-blown little boy for a tumbler of
+brandy, and was weeping into it copious when we
+emerged from his presence. Upon entering the shattered
+temple of the dramy, we found a vetrun of
+1812, which the manager had hired to keep company
+with the man what lit the gas, that artik having
+declared that if he was kept in solitude any longer he
+should shoot himself from sheer melancholy. It was
+the vetrun's business to keep moving from seat to
+seat until the performance was over, so that the artful
+cuss of a manager could say "every seat was
+okipied" in the next morning's newspaper. When the
+manager, who was representing the orkestra with
+a comb wrapt in paper, saw me and my fren, he paused
+in the middle of his overture, and said we should have
+a private box, but that the families of his principal artiks
+were keepin' house in the private boxes, and was
+<!--084.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[p. 85]</a></span>
+rayther crowded for room. Seeing me put my hand
+in my pocket, he said, tearful:</p>
+
+<p>"Tellum me, I conjure ye, are there any such
+things as quarters in the round world? It is now six
+months since I last mingled with the world, and I
+really forget how many make a dollar."</p>
+
+<p>Touched to the quick by his plaintiff tone, I drew
+forth a quarter, and held it before his anguished vision.
+Never shall I forget how his eyes was sot
+on that ravishing coin.</p>
+
+<p>"Can it indeed be real?" says he, "or is it but
+a quarter of the mind?"</p>
+
+<p>I was afeard he might come the "let me clutch
+thee" dodge if I inflamed his imagination any longer;
+so I put it back into my pocket, and axidently revealed
+the handle of my revolver.</p>
+
+<p>When my fren had cut the damp grass away from
+one of the orchestra seats with his jack-knife, we sat
+down and put up an umbrella to keep off the dew. Being
+a little nervous, I asked the manager if there was
+any snakes about; and he said he see a couple in the
+parroquet last night, but didn't think they had got
+down to the orkestra yet. The vetrun, which was the
+audience, stoppd chasing a bull-frog in the vestibule
+when the manager struck up "Days of Abstinence"
+on his comb, and immediately took his seat on chair
+No. 1, with which he always commenced. The curting
+was then unpinned, and disclosed a scene in a
+lumber-yard, with a heavy mortgage on it. The Count
+de Mahoginy is discovered in the ak of leaving his
+young wife, who is seated on a pile of shavings, for
+the purpose of obtaining immediate relief from the
+<!--085.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[p. 86]</a></span>
+Union Defence Committee. The vetrun received him
+with great applause, and moved from seat to seat
+as though he was in a hurry to reach the gallery.
+When the artik spoke, there was so much empty
+stomik in his tones, that my fren said he seemed like
+a bean from another world. My fren is a spiritualist.
+The artik then went off at the left entrance, and immediately
+returned in the character of his own uncle,
+which had come home from California with two millions
+of dollars, and wished to give it to his affectionate
+nephew and niece. He found his niece in the lumber-yard,
+and having heard her sad story, divulged his
+intention to her and she immediately danced a Spanish
+<i>par</i> (which is French), and sung four songs in honor
+of the sixty-ninth regiment. Then the uncle danced a
+hornpipe, which he learned on the hocean; and so
+they kept agoin till about nine o'clock, when the
+countess said she heard her husband coming. The
+uncle was so taken aback by this, that he immediately
+made himself into a tableau representing the last
+charge of the Fire Zouaves at Bull Run: and as the
+comb struck up "I'm a loan, all a loan," the curtain
+was pinned up again. Just as the performance ended,
+the manager explained that he could only aford to
+keep two artiks&mdash;a male and female, and <i>they</i> only
+stayed because he had a mortgage on their wardrobes
+for over-drawed celery. "I'll light you to the door,"
+says he, taking up one of the foot-lights, which was
+a turnip with a candle in it; "and I hope you'll come
+again when we projooce our new play. It's called
+'The gas man's last charge,' and introjoces a real gas-meter
+and the sheriff."</p>
+
+<!--086.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[p. 87]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>My fren and I made no reply, but walked sadly
+from the ruins with tears in our eyes.</p>
+
+<div style="padding-top: 1.5em"></div>
+
+<p>The regular Drama, my boy, cannot hope to succeed,
+while the war which now monopolizes all attention
+is believed by some critics to be a regular farce.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Yours, tragically,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p>
+
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<!--087.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[p. 88]</a></span></p>
+<h3><a name="LETTER_LVIII" id="LETTER_LVIII"></a>LETTER LVIII.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>SHOWING HOW THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE ISSUED
+AN AFFECTING GENERAL ORDER; EXEMPLIFYING THE BEAUTIES
+OF A SPADE-CAMPAIGN AS EXHIBITED IN STRATEGY HALL, AND
+CELEBRATING A NOTABLE CASE OF NAVAL STRATEGY.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, July 26th, 1862.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>The high-minded and chivalrous Confederacy having
+refused to consider itself worsted in our recent great
+strategic victory near Paris, my boy, it only remained
+for the General of the Mackerel Brigade to commence
+undermining the Confederacy, after the manner of a
+civil engineer; and when last I visited the lines, I
+found a select assortment of Mackerels engaged in the
+balmy summer pastime of digging holes, and dying
+natural deaths in them.</p>
+
+<p>There was one chap with an illuminated nose, who
+attracted my particular attention by landing a spade-full
+of sacred soil very neatly in my bosom, and says
+I to him:</p>
+
+<p>"Well, my gallant sexton, how do the obsequies progress?"</p>
+
+<p>"Beautiful," says he, pausing long enough to take
+a powder which the surgeon had left with him. "We've
+just struck a large vein of typhoid fever, and them air
+Peninsula veterans, which, you see in them holes yonder,
+<!--088.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[p. 89]</a></span>
+are already delirious with it. Really," says the
+chap, with an air of quiet enjoyment, as he climbed
+into the hospital litter, just sent after him&mdash;"really,
+there's a smart chance of pushing on our cemetery to
+Richmond before the roads become impassable again."</p>
+
+<p>I was looking after him, as the bearers carried him
+off, my boy, when I saw Captain Villiam Brown ambling
+leisurely toward me on his geometrical steed,
+Euclid, alternately perusing a paper which he held in
+his right hand, and discussing a canteen in his left.
+The countenance of the warrior was thoughtful, and
+his shovel swung listlessly against the charger's flank.</p>
+
+<p>"How now, my Jack of Spades?" says I, sportively.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah!" says Villiam, slowly descending from the
+roof of his stallion, and suffering the latter to lean
+against a tree, "here is a new Proclamation for the
+moral refreshment of the United States of America.
+Read this impartial edick," says Villiam impressively,
+"and you will find it worthy of the Union Track Society."</p>
+
+<p>I took the official parchment, my boy, and found inscribed
+upon it the following affecting</p>
+
+
+<p class="gentitle">GENERAL ORDER.</p>
+
+<p>Whereas, the United States of America now finds
+himself engaged in an unnatural struggle with the
+celebrated Southern Confederacy, for the Union which
+our forefathers planted; and it being our object to
+show the world that our intentions are honorable; it
+is hereby ordered, that the Mackerel Brigade do take
+possession of all guns, pistols, and howitzers previously
+fired at them by persons now in arms against this government,
+<!--089.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[p. 90]</a></span>
+keeping strict account of said weapons, in order
+that their owners may be duly and amicably paid
+for them hereafter. It is further ordered that persons
+of Mackerel descent, occupying the cultivated grounds
+of the aforesaid Southern Confederacy, shall keep
+strict account of the time spent upon the same, in order
+that reasonable rent may be paid for the same as
+soon as the United States of America shall resume
+specie payment.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+By order of<br />
+<span class="smcap">The General of the Mackerel Brigade</span>.<br />
+<span class="smcap">Green Seal</span>,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Vintage of</span> 1776.<br />
+</p>
+
+<div style="padding-top: 1.5em"></div>
+
+<p>Having perused this document with much attention,
+I handed it back to Villiam, and says I:</p>
+
+<p>"In purity of moral tone, my hero, that paper is
+worthy the descendant of 1776."</p>
+
+<p>"1776!" says Villiam, reflectively. "Ah!" says
+Villiam, "it takes strategy to revive recollections of
+those days. We have at least seventeen hundred and
+seventy sick ones in our new hospital already. Come
+with me," says Villiam, genially, "and we will survey
+the interior aspeck of Strategy Hall."</p>
+
+<p>Strategy Hall, my boy, is a fine airy hospital extemporized
+from a barn, on the estate of a prominent
+Southern Union man, now commanding a regiment
+of Confederacies. The house itself would have been
+taken, as it had somewhat more roof than the barn,
+and a little more shade; but when the General of the
+Mackerel Brigade learned that Washington had once
+thought of taking a second mortgage on it, he gave
+<!--090.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[p. 91]</a></span>
+orders that no Mackerel should go within half a mile
+of the front door.</p>
+
+<p>On entering Strategy Hall, I beheld a scene calculated
+to elevate sickness into a virtue, and shed immortal
+lustre upon the kind-hearted women of America.
+Comfortably stretched upon rails taken from Confederate
+fences, and of which a strict account had been
+kept, with a view to future compensation, were a
+whole section of the Mackerel Brigade, in the full
+enjoyment of strategic health. Over each chap's
+head hung his shovel, and a shingle inscribed with his
+name and address. Thus, the shingle nearest me
+read: "Spoony Bill, Hose Company 123, New York
+Fire Department."</p>
+
+<p>And woman&mdash;lovely woman! was there, administering
+hot drinks to the fevered head, bathing with
+ice-water the brow of those shivering with the cruel
+ague, pouring rich gruel over the chin and neck of
+the nervous sufferer, and reading good books to the
+raving and delirious. It was with a species of holy
+awe that I beheld one of those human angels stand a
+hot coffee-pot upon the upturned face of one invalid,
+while she hastily flew to fill the right ear of a more
+urgent sufferer with cologne-water. And then to see
+her softly place one of the portable furnaces upon a
+very sick Mackerel's stomach, while she warmed the
+water with which his beloved head was presently to
+be shaved; and to see her bending over to ask one of
+the more dangerously ill ones if he would not like a
+nice fat piece of fresh pork, while the other end of her
+crinoline was scraping the head of the Mackerel on
+the opposite rail.
+<!--091.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[p. 92]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"O woman! in our hours of ease,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Uncertain, coy, and hard to please,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And variable as the shade<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">By the light, quivering aspen made;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When pain and anguish wring the brow<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A ministering angel thou."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>I could have remained here all day, my boy; for I
+found the berries, ice-cream, and liquors, prepared for
+the patients, really excellent; but Villiam hinted to
+me that a splendid piece of naval strategy was just
+about to come off on Duck Lake, and I desired to witness
+our national triumph on the ocean wave.</p>
+
+<p>Having quitted Strategy Hall, I repaired to the
+shore of Duck Lake, where numerous Mackerels were
+already watching Commodore Head's fleet as it lay
+waiting for an expected rebel ram on the treacherous
+element. It appeared that a lurking Confederacy
+in Paris had waited until the Mackerels were all in
+their holes one day, and then hastily constructed an
+iron-plated ram from an old dry-goods box and two
+cooking stoves. With this formidable monster, he
+designed offering irregular opposition to the Government
+in the way of killing a few vandal regiments,
+after which he proposed to repair to the Confederate
+side of Duck Lake, and send the particulars of his
+victory to Europe through some of the more vigilantly
+blockaded Southern ports. He had completed his
+ram, my boy, and hidden it under some hay on the
+Lake shore, ready to commence his carnage when the
+time came; but one of the Mackerels happened to see
+it when he went fishing, and Commodore Head was
+<!--092.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[p. 93]</a></span>
+at once ordered to have his iron-plated squadron in
+readiness to intercept and destroy the monster when
+she should appear.</p>
+
+<p>"Riddle my turret!" says the Commodore, in his
+marine manner, as he sighted his swivel gun and
+placed his fishing-rod and box of bait near his stool
+on the quarter-deck, "I feel like grappling with half-a-dozen
+rams of chivalry&mdash;loosen my plates! if I
+don't."</p>
+
+<p>And there we stood on that hot July afternoon,
+watching the noble craft as she sat like a duck on the
+water, the Mackerel crew sitting aft picking a marrow-bone,
+and the venerable Commodore tilted back
+on his stool upon the quarter-deck, fishing for bass.</p>
+
+<p>Presently we could see the treacherous Confederacy
+stealing down to where his iron-plated monster lay
+hidden. Softly he removed the covering of hay, and
+cautiously did he place the ram in the water, carefully
+examining the priming of the old-fashioned blunderbuss
+he carried under his arm, as he stepped into this
+new Merrimac, and quietly raising his umbrella with
+one hand, while he paddled off with the other.</p>
+
+<p>The distance between our fleet and the spectator
+being fully two yards, Villiam had thoughtfully provided
+bits of smoked glass for our party, and we now
+brought them to bear upon the scene of approaching
+slaughter. The Mackerel crew on board our squadron
+appeared to be wholly absorbed in the pleasing experiment
+of following, with a straw, the motions of a fly
+whose wings he had just pulled off, and Commodore
+Head had fallen into a refreshing slumber in the midst
+<!--093.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[p. 94]</a></span>
+of his fishing. In fact, no means had been left unemployed
+to guard against a surprise.</p>
+
+<p>Now, it happened that the nautical Confederacy did
+his paddling with his back to the bow of his iron-plated
+monster, and before he knew it, his ram went
+smack against the Mackerel fleet, with a sound like the
+smashing of many dinner-plates. So tremendous was
+the shock, that the stool upon which Commodore Head
+was tilted, gave way beneath his weight, and he came
+down upon the deck with a crash like muffled thunder.
+Simultaneously, the Confederacy discharged his blunderbuss
+two points to windward, and would have followed
+up his advantage by boarding at once; but by
+this time the Mackerel crew had recovered his presence
+of mind, and poured such a shower upon the
+intruder from a watering-pot which he found in the
+stern-sheets, that the latter retreated in great disorder.</p>
+
+<p>Meanwhile, our gallant old naval hero had regained
+his feet, and having carefully put away his fishing
+tackle and box of bait, he made his appearance on
+the starboard, with his spy-glass under one arm, his
+speaking trumpet under the other, and his log-book
+between his teeth.</p>
+
+<p>No sooner did the now thoroughly exasperated Confederacy
+behold his venerable figure, than he hastily
+shut up his umbrella and violently cracked him over
+the head with it, knocking off his spectacles, and
+greatly damaging his new white hat.</p>
+
+<p>"Batter my armor!" thundered the commodore,
+picking up his spectacles and bending them straight
+again. "I don't want you to do that again."</p>
+
+<p>"Scorpion!" roared the Confederacy, dropping his
+<!--094.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[p. 95]</a></span>
+umbrella, and dancing up and down in his ram, with
+his arms in a boxing attitude. "Come on, base old
+being!"</p>
+
+<p>"Then take thy doom," shrieked the maddened
+commodore, quickly striking a match on the bottom
+of one of his boots, and touching off the swivel gun.
+With a report like the explosion of a deadly pistol,
+the trusty weapon hurled its contents about two
+inches above the head of the Mackerel crew, wildly
+tearing off the cap of the latter, and shaking the
+staunch craft from stem to stern.</p>
+
+<p>Somewhat alarmed by this demonstration, the Confederacy
+commenced shoving off with his ram, using
+his blunderbuss and umbrella as oars, and singing the
+Southern Marseillaise.</p>
+
+<p>"Out with the sculls and give chase!" ejaculated
+Commodore Head, in a great perspiration. It was
+found, upon examination, that the sculls had been
+left on shore, and it was further discovered that the
+Mackerel fleet was aground; otherwise our victory
+would have been more complete.</p>
+
+<p>With eyes strained to the utmost we were gazing
+upon all this from the beach, when Villiam suddenly
+placed a hand upon my arm, and says he: "Hark!"</p>
+
+<p>We listened. There was a sound as of a faint
+human cry. It approached nearer. We could distinguish
+words. Nearer and nearer. The words now
+came clear and distinct to our quickened ears.</p>
+
+<p>"Extry a-Her-rr-rr-ald, capture of Vicksburg and
+sinking of the rebel ram by Commore Head!"</p>
+
+<p>Since newspapers have become so plentiful in this
+once distracted country, my boy, that even the babe
+<!--095.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[p. 96]</a></span>
+shews them upon its mother's lap, the poorest man
+is enabled to see instantaneously, through a glass as
+it were, the most distant events&mdash;a glass, my boy,
+which makes things appear much larger at a distance
+than they seem to those close by.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Yours, admiringly,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<!--096.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[p. 97]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><a name="LETTER_LIX" id="LETTER_LIX"></a>LETTER LIX.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>INSTANCING THE BENEFICENT DEPORTMENT OF THE VENERABLE
+GAMMON, AND NOTING THE PERFORMANCE OF A REMARKABLE
+MORAL DRAMA BY CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, August 2d, 1862.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>Some enthusiasm was excited here in the early part
+of the week, my boy, by the return of the Venerable
+Gammon from a visit to his aged family at Mugville,
+whither he goes regularly once a month for the benefit
+of the sagacious chaps of the press. A great blessing
+is the Venerable Gammon to the palladium of our liberties,
+my boy; for no sooner does our army cease to
+change its base of operations, and do other things calculated
+to make the war interesting and lengthy, than
+he pulls out his ruffles, sighs frequently, and melts
+away to Mugville. Then all the sagacious press chaps
+rush to the telegraph office and flash feverish paragraphs
+to the intelligent morning journals: "Highly
+important&mdash;Sudden departure of the Venerable Gammon
+for Mugville to attend the death-bed of a relative&mdash;Believed
+in military circles that this indicates a
+change in the Cabinet&mdash;Border States delegation has
+again waited on the President&mdash;More vigorous policy
+needed."</p>
+
+<p>Whereupon the editors of all the intelligent morning
+<!--097.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[p. 98]</a></span>
+journals ecstatically print the paragraphs, affixing to
+them: "<i>Note by the Editor.</i>&mdash;Washington is a town
+in the so called District of Columbia&mdash;situated on the
+Potomac. We infer from our correspondent's dispatch
+that it has not yet been taken by the rebels."</p>
+
+<p>American journalism, my boy, in presenting a vast
+amount of matter daily, is eminently calculated to impress
+the youthful brain with a keen sense of what a
+wide distinction there is between Mind and Matter.</p>
+
+<p>Immediately on the return of the Venerable Gammon,
+he commenced saying things, which made all the
+rest of mankind seem like withered children in comparison
+with him. He was beaming genially on the
+throng at Willard's, and says I to him:</p>
+
+<p>"It would appear, my beloved <i>Pater Patria</i>, that
+military matters are not quite as interesting as a
+woman with a headache just now."</p>
+
+<p>The Venerable Gammon pitied my youth, and waved
+his hand fatly by way of a silent blessing to all the
+world. "Military affairs," says he, effulgently, "are
+like metaphysics. Military affairs," says the Venerable
+Gammon, benignantly, "are like that which we do not
+understand&mdash;they defy our comprehension and comprehend
+our defiance."</p>
+
+<p>Then all the Congressmen looked at each other, as
+much as to say the Union was saved at last; and I felt
+like a babe in the presence of the great Behemoth of
+the Scriptures.</p>
+
+<p>How the Venerable Gammon has anything at all
+to do with this war, I can't find out, my boy, but
+when the affectionate populace learned that the Venerable
+Gammon had returned from Mugville, they
+<!--098.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[p. 99]</a></span>
+swarmed around his carriage, and entreated him either
+to spit upon them, or save them from slow decay by a
+speech. It was then the Venerable man raised his
+hand in soothing benediction, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"My friends, you are young yet, and have much to
+learn concerning war. I can only say to you, my
+friends, that all goes well with McClellan; and, if you
+will only hasten to fill up old regiments, raise a few
+thousand new ones, and go yourselves, the advance
+upon Richmond may commence at any time."</p>
+
+<p>The most enthusiastic cheering followed this comforting
+speech of the Venerable Gammon, and six ecstatic
+chaps immediately offered to volunteer as major-generals.</p>
+
+<p>Shall we presume to talk of drafting, my boy, when
+there is such readiness on the part of the people to
+lead the troops? I think not, my boy, I think not.
+Let the draft be protested.</p>
+
+<p>On Wednesday I again took a trip to Paris, accompanied
+by my frescoed dog, Bologna, and found upon
+reaching that city that the Mackerel Brigade had built
+itself a theatre, after the manner of Drury Lane, and
+was about to partake of the rich intellectual drama.
+This chaste temple might possibly be taken for a cowshed,
+my boy, by those who are not conversant with
+architecture in one story. It occupies a spot which
+has been rising ground ever since the Mackerels commenced
+to dig trenches around it, and the front door is
+so spacious that you have to go all around the building
+to find where it stops opening. The seats are similar
+to those which are supposed to have been so popular
+with the Count de Grasse and the stage is exquisitely
+<!--099.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[p. 100]</a></span>
+extemporized from several flour-barrels, with a
+curtain created from the flannel petticoats recently belonging
+to the wife of the Southern Confederacy.</p>
+
+<p>Passing over all intervening events, my boy, let me
+direct your special attention to the night we celebrated,
+when I found myself occupying a box (previously used
+for crackers) in the temple of the Muses, surrounded
+by uniforms and dazzled by the glitter of the shovels
+worn by the military celebrities present. In a box
+(marked "Sperm Candles&mdash;First quality") on my
+right, I noticed a number of distinguished persons whom
+I did not know, and to the left were grouped several
+celebrated visitors with whom I was not acquainted.
+The stage itself realized numerous brilliant footlights
+in the way of bottles containing gorgeous tallow-dips;
+and when the orchestra brought out his key-bugle and
+struck up the martial strain of "I want to be an
+Angel," there <i>was</i> a dry eye in the house.</p>
+
+<p>(Make a note of this last unparalleled fact, my boy;
+for you, nor any other mortal man, ever heard of its
+occurrence before.)</p>
+
+<p>The curtain having been taken down by a gentleman
+who had forgotten to wash himself when the washstand
+went round last time, the play commenced; and
+I found it to be</p>
+
+<p class="gentitle">
+THE UNION AS IT WAS.<br />
+<br />
+A HIGH MORAL DRAMA, IN ONE ACK.<br />
+<br />
+BY CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN, ESKEVIRE.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>The plot of this admirable work is very simple, my
+boy, and appeals to those sentiments of the human
+<!--100.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[p. 101]</a></span>
+heart which affect the liver. The scene is laid in
+Washington, where it has been frequently seen, and
+the drama opens with a fine</p>
+
+
+<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 1em;">CONSERVATIVE CHORUS.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Abram, spare the South,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Touch not a single slave:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nor e'en by word of mouth,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Disturb the thing we crave.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Twas our forefather's hand<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That Slavery begot;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">There, Abram, let it stand<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Thine Acts shall harm it not.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>At the conclusion of this spirited National Anthem,
+the Border States chaps who have been singing it are
+invited to have another interview with the President,
+who has only seen them twice the same morning. As
+they pass out, the celebrated Miss Columbia appears,
+wrapt in deep thought and the American flag, and
+reading the twenty-third proclamation for the current
+month. She asks her heart if she is indeed divorced&mdash;if
+her once happy Union is indeed broken; and as
+her heart refuses to answer any such common question,
+a doubt is allowed to remain in the bosom of the
+spectator. In deep agony she kneels at the monument
+of Washington and softly sings "Hail Columbia,"
+while the Southern Confederacy, who has just
+arrived, proceeds to plant batteries all round her,
+assisted in the work by reliable contrabands. After
+some moments spent in prayer for the repose of Secretary
+<!--101.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[p. 102]</a></span>
+Welles, Columbia discovered her surroundings,
+and is about to make a faint, when the spirit of Napoleon
+appears, and tells her she has nothing to fear, as
+he is about to change his base of operations, and take
+Richmond. He tells her he would have taken it long
+before but for the Tribune. This is a very fine scene&mdash;very
+fine. The spirit of Napoleon then proceeds to
+pick up everything he can find and throw it over
+to the Southern Confederacy, at the same time swinging
+himself around so that his left fist may be presented
+to the enemy instead of his right, only pausing long
+enough to drive back a reliable contraband who has
+started to desert to him. Matters are progressing admirably,
+and the Confederacy has only planted 24
+more batteries around Columbia, when the Conservative
+Chorus comes tearing back to the scene, with the
+news that the President has determined to pay for all
+runaway slaves in postage-stamps! This splendid
+stroke of policy so completely staggers the Confederacy,
+that he only erects thirty-two more batteries,
+and acknowledges that his back-bone is broken:
+Strange to say, Columbia still labors under the delusion
+that she is in danger; but is finally re-assured
+by the spirit of Napoleon, who convinces her that all
+is going well, and at once draws his shovel and commences
+to dig a hole. Columbia asks: "Wherefore
+this digging?" To which the response is:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Our Union in its broken state<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Is discord to the soul:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And therefore are we digging here<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To make the Union hole."<br /></span>
+<!--102.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[p. 103]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<p>The digging proceeds until the spirit of Napoleon is
+sunk deep into the earth, when the Southern Confederacy
+deliberately steps over the hole and captures
+Washington, at the same time ordering Columbia to
+black his boots. Columbia would be utterly bereft
+of hope at this turn in affairs but for the cheerful conduct
+of the Conservative Chorus, who bid her rejoice
+that the good old times have come again. Columbia
+then remembers that she did indeed black the boots
+of the Confederacy in the good old times, and it suddenly
+flashes upon her that the Union is, in truth, restored&mdash;<span class="smcap">AS
+IT WAS</span>. A brilliant blue light is thrown
+upon the scene, and as the curtain falls the Conservative
+Chorus are seen in the act of taking all the credit
+to themselves and indignantly refusing to pay their
+war taxes.</p>
+
+<p>This affecting drama of real life was played entirely
+by gifted Mackerels, my boy, the one who acted
+Columbia being possessed of a voice as musical as
+that which sometimes comes from between the teeth
+of a new saw.</p>
+
+<p>When the last round of applause had subsided, and
+I was leaving the theatre, I came upon the dramatist,
+Captain Villiam Brown, who appeared to be waiting
+to hear what I had to say about his work. Says I to
+him:</p>
+
+<p>"Well, my versatile Euripides, your play resembles
+the better dramas of &AElig;schylus, inasmuch as it is
+all Greek to me."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah!" says Villiam, hastily assuming the attitude
+in which Shakspere generally appears in his pictures.
+"Did I remind you forcibly of the bard of Avon?"
+<!--103.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[p. 104]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Yes," says I, kindly; "you might easily be taken
+for Shakspere&mdash;after dark."</p>
+
+<p>As I turned to leave him, my boy, I could not help
+thinking how often the world will call a man a "Second"
+So-and-so, long before he has anything like
+commenced to be first, even.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Yours, doubtingly,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<!--104.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[p. 105]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><a name="LETTER_LX" id="LETTER_LX"></a>LETTER LX.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>REPORTING THE SECOND REGULAR MEETING OF THE COSMOPOLITAN
+CLUB, AND THE BRITISH MEMBER'S CITATION OF THE ENGLISH
+POETS.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, August 5th, 1862.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>This is a dull day, my boy; and when there is no
+longer any sunshine to make steel bayonets and brass
+buttons glimmer to the eye, war is stript of half its
+pomp, and the American mind takes a plain, practical
+view of the strife.</p>
+
+<p>Truth to tell, this secession is a very shabby, unromantic
+thing to fight about. There is really no poetry at
+all about it, my boy, and when one would rhyme
+about it, the mantle of poesy refuses to fall upon him,
+though a bogus sort of Hood may possibly keep him
+in countenance. The cause of this war is simply
+this&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 8em;">PER SE.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">Sepoys&mdash;sea-thieves&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">C. Bonds&mdash;see slaves&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">See seizures made in every kind of way;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">See debts sequestrated&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Sea-island frustrated;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Segars&mdash;seditionists&mdash;and C. S. A.,<br /></span>
+<!--105.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[p. 106]</a></span></div></div>
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i4">Seduced from honor bright&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Secluded from serenest Wisdom's light&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Sea-pent by ships of war&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Selected planters for the world no more;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Severely snubbed by all&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Secure to fall;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Sedately left alone by all who see<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Seed poisonous sown in sectional retrogression;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">See-saw diplomacy, sedition foui <i>per se</i>;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Sequel&mdash;that serio-comic scene&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i6"><span class="smcap">Secession!</span><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Speaking of poetry; I attended the meeting of the
+Cosmopolitan Club on Monday night, and was much
+electrified by the treasures of British literature unfolded
+by Smith-Brown. That double-chinned chap brought
+to view a roll of manuscript, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"Instead of reading a story for your entertainment,
+gentlemen, I propose to make you acquainted with
+the war-sentiments of a few of Albion's poet's, as expressed
+in certain unpublished verses of theirs which
+have privately come into my possession.</p>
+
+<p>"First, let me commend to your attention some
+amiable rhymes by a bard who knows more about this
+blarsted country than it knows about hitself":</p>
+
+
+<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 4em;">A MISTAKE BY HEAVEN!</p>
+
+<p class="poemauthor" style="padding-left: 4.8em;">BY DR. CHARLES MACK&mdash;Y.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">In Heaven's Chancery the Records stand<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of men and deeds in each and ev'ry land,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And as new rulers rise, or empires fall,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Appointed angels make a note of all.<br /></span>
+<!--106.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[p. 107]</a></span></div></div>
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">To mark the changes in this world of late<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">There came a Spirit from the Throne of Fate,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Instructed closely, to be sure and see<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who earth's chief rulers for <i>this</i> year might be.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">His task accomplished, back the Spirit flew<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To Heaven's Chancery, as bade to do,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And from his vestments took the mystic scroll<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That named each potentate, from Pole to Pole.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Recording Angels glanced it sharply o'er,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To note each change from what the Records bore;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But found no nations changing potentates<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Until they came to the United States.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Another President!" the angels sighed,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Another President!" the Fates replied;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And straight a pen the Chief Recorder took<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To write the ruler's name within his book.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">He wrote&mdash;(alas! 'twill hardly be believed<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The very angels could be so deceived)&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He wrote the name that all his sprites might read&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Not Abr'am Lincoln; no! but&mdash;<span class="smcap">Thurlow Weed</span>.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><br /></span>
+<p>
+<span class="i0" style="padding-left: 6em">!!&nbsp;  *&nbsp;  *&nbsp;  *&nbsp;  !!&nbsp;  *&nbsp;  *&nbsp;  *&nbsp;  !!</span><br />
+</p>
+<span class="i0"><br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If foreign nations fail to judge your cause<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In strict accordance with set Christian laws,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It is no proof of their intending crimes,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Since angels, even, make mistakes at times!<br /></span>
+<!--107.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[p. 108]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<p>We were all silent after that, my boy, and says the
+old British chap:</p>
+
+<p>"The next manuscript expresses the conservative
+sentiment of Britain's Isle, the measure being peculiar
+and the manner inquiring. Hattention!&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 8em">THE WAR.</p>
+
+<p class="poemauthor" style="padding-left: 7em">BY SIDNEY DOBELL.</p>
+
+
+<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 11em">I.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Oh, the war, the war,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><i>Oh</i>, the war, the war,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><span class="smcap">Oh</span>, the war&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">With pools of gory, dripping grime,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And ghastly, beastly, horrible rime,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The soldier bloody, stiff and stark&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The cannon thunders, hark! hark!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Columbia, how's the war?<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 11em">II.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Oh, the blood, the blood,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><i>Oh</i>, the blood, the blood,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><span class="smcap">Oh</span>, the blood&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Curdling, welling, staining the ground,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Bubbling from wounds with sick'ning sound;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The life gone out in a wind of swords,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Murderers leagued in hordes! hordes!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Columbia, how's the blood?<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 11em">III.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Oh, the roar, the roar,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><i>Oh</i>, the roar, the roar,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><span class="smcap">Oh</span>, the roar&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Thousands grappling, tearing to death,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Fever, madness and hell in a breath;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Rage, despair, oath and scream&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Rivers crimson stream! stream!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Columbia, how's the roar?<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<!--108.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[p. 109]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 11em">IV.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Oh, the blaze, the blaze,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><i>Oh</i>, the blaze, the blaze.<br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><span class="smcap">Oh</span>, the blaze,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Homes in flames, lighting the storm,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Torches for death in a brother's form;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Ruin, ravage, ashes and smoke,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Hopes and heart-strings broke! broke!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Columbia, how's the blaze?<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 11em">V.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Oh, the groan, the groan,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><i>Oh</i>, the groan, the groan,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><span class="smcap">Oh</span>, the groan&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Mothers sonless, homeless and old,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Sisters brotherless, lone and cold,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Children starving, wailing for bread,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Fathers and brothers dead! dead!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Columbia, how's the groan?<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 11em">VI.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Oh, the woe, the woe,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><i>Oh</i>, the woe, the woe,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><span class="smcap">Oh</span>, the woe,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Cities famishing, villages still,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Blood in the valley and fire on the hill;<br /></span>
+<!--109.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[p. 110]</a></span>
+<span class="i2">Horror, havoc, curses and tears,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Dark desolation for years! years!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Columbia, how's the woe?<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+<p class="poemsectionheader" style="padding-left: 11em">VII.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Oh, the end, the end,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><i>Oh</i>, the end, the end,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><span class="smcap">Oh</span>, the end,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Griefs and graves at every hearth,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Heaven offended, outraged Earth:<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Prayers for vengeance from ev'ry tomb&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Borne to the living a doom! doom!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Columbia, how's the end?<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Here Bonbon, the French chap, struck in, and says
+he: "Oh, the ass, the ass, <i>Oh</i>, the ass, the ass, <span class="smcap">Oh</span>, the
+ass&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Silence, Napoleon!" says the British chap, "and
+r-r-remember Waterloo! The next metrical gem,"
+says he, "illustrates the deeper profundity of British
+thought, and conveys a moral lesson of the deepest
+significance to babes and sucklings. Hem!"&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 5.8em">COLUMBIA'S AGONY.</p>
+
+<p class="poemauthor" style="padding-left: 4em">
+BY MARTIN FARQUHAR TUP&mdash;&mdash;R.<br />
+</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I hold it good&mdash;as who shall hold it bad?<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To lave Columbia in the boiling tears<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I shed for Freedom when my soul is sad,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And having shed proceed to shed again:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For <i>human sadness sad to all appears</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And tears men sometimes shed are shed by men.<br /></span>
+<!--110.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[p. 111]</a></span></div></div>
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The normal nation lives until it dies,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">As men may die when they have ceased to live;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But when abnormal, by a foe's surprise,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">It may not reach its first-appointed goal;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For <i>what we have not is not ours to give</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And if we miss it all we miss the whole.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Columbia, young, a giant baby born,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Aimed at a manhood ere the child had been,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And slipping downward in a strut forlorn,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Learns, to its sorrow, what 'tis good to know,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That <i>babes who walk too soon, too soon begin</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><i>To walk</i> in this dark vale of life below.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">When first the State of Charleston did secede,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And Morrill's tariff was declared repealed,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The soul of Freedom everywhere did bleed<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">For that which, having seen, it sadly saw;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So true it is, <i>death-wounds are never healed</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And law defied is not unquestioned law.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The mother-poet, England, sadly viewed<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The strife unnatural across the wave,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And with maternal tenderness renewed<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Her sweet assurances of neutral love;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>A mother's love may not its offspring save;</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><i>But mother's love is still a mother's love.</i><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Learn thou, Columbia, in thine agony,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That England loves thee, with a love as deep<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As my "Proverbial Philosophy"<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Has won for me from her approving breast;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>The love that never slumbers cannot sleep</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And all for highest good is for the best.<br /></span>
+<!--111.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[p. 112]</a></span></div></div>
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Thy Freedom fattens on the work of slaves,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Her Grace of Sutherland informeth me;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And all thy South Amboy is full of graves,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Where tortured bondmen snatch a dread repose;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Learn, then, the <i>race enslaved is never free</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And in thy woes incurred, behold thy woes.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Thy pride is humbled, humbled is thy pride,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And now misfortunes come upon thee, thick<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With dark reproaches for the right defied,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And cloud thy banner in a dim eclipse;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>Sic transit gloria gloria transic sic</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The mouth that speaketh useth its own lips.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Thus speeds the world, and thus our planet speeds;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">What is, must be; and what can't be, is not;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Our acts unwise are not our wisest deeds,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And what we do is what ourselves have done;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>Mistakes remembered are not faults forgot</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And we must wait for day to see the sun.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>I looked up at Smith-Brown, my boy, and says I:</p>
+
+<p>"What does he mean by the 'State of Charleston,'
+my fat friend?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why," says he, "that's a poetic license, or American
+geography diluted by the Atlantic. And here
+we have something by the gifted hauthor of 'Locksley
+Hall,' which it is somewhat in that vein:
+<!--112.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[p. 113]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 9em">AMERICA.</p>
+
+<p class="poemauthor" style="padding-left: 10em">BY ALFRED TEN&mdash;&mdash;N.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Westward, westward flies the eagle, westward with the setting sun,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To an eyrie growing golden in a morning just begun;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Where the world is new in promise of a virgin nation's love.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the grand results of ages germs of nobler ages prove;<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Where a prophecy of greatness runs through all the soul of youth,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the miracle of Freedom blesses in a living truth;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Where the centuries unnumbered narrow to a single night,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And their trophies are but planets wheeling round a central light.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Where the headlands breast the Ocean sweeping round creation's East,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the prairies roll in blossoms to the Ocean of the West;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Where the voices of the seas are blended o'er a nation's birth,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In the harmony of Nature's hymn to Liberty on earth.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Land of Promise! Revelation of a loyalty that springs<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">From a grander depth of purple than the heritage of kings&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">From the inner purple cherished at the thrones of lives sublime,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Cast in glorious consecration 'neath the plough of Father Time&mdash;<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Home of Freedom, hope of millions born and slain and yet to be,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Shall the spirit of the bondless, caught from heaven, fail in thee?<br /></span>
+<!--113.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[p. 114]</a></span>
+<span class="i0">Shall the watching world behold thee falling from thy starry height?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Like a meteor, in thine ending leaving only darker night?<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Oh! my kinsmen, Oh! my brothers&mdash;fellow-heirs of Saxon hearts,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Lo the Eagle quits his eyrie swifter than a swallow darts,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the lurid flame of battle burns within his angry eye,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Glowing like a living ember cast in vengeance from the sky.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">At thy hearth a foe has risen, fiercer yet to burn and kill,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That he was thy chosen brother&mdash;friend no more, but brother still;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For the bitter tide of hatred deeper runs and fiercer grows,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As the pleading voice of Nature addeth self-reproach to blows.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Strike! and in the ghastly horrors of a fratricidal war,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Learn the folly of your wanderings from the guiding Northern Star;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">What were all your gains and glories, to creation's fatal loss<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When ye crucified your Freedom on the cruel Southern Cross?<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Oh! my brothers narrow-sighted&mdash;Oh! my brothers slow to hear<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">What the phantoms of the fallen ever whisper in the ear;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">God is just, and from the ruins of the temple rent in twain<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Rises up the invocation of a warning breathed in vain.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">All thy pillars reel around thee from the fury of the blow,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the fires upon thine altars fade and flicker to and fro;<br /></span>
+<!--114.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[p. 115]</a></span>
+<span class="i0">Call the vigor of thy manhood into arms from head to foot,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Strike! and in thy strife with error let the blow be at the root.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">So thy war shall wear the glory of a purpose to refine<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">From the dross of early folly all the honor that is thine;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So thine arms shall gather friendship to the standard of a cause<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Blending in its grand approval British hearts and British laws.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Form thy heroes into armies from the mart and from the field,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And their ranks shall stretch around thee in a bristling, living shield;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Take the loyal beggar's offer; for the war whose cause is just<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Breathes the soul of noblest daring into forms of meanest dust.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Let thy daughters wreathe their chaplets for the foreheads of the brave,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Let thy daughters trace their lineage from the patriot's honored grave;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Woman's love is built the strongest when it rests on woman's pride,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Better be a soldier's widow than a meek civilian's bride.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Onward let thine Eagles lead thee, where the livid Southern sun<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Courts the incense for the heavens of a righteous battle won;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the bright Potomac, winding through the fields unto the sea<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Shall no longer mark the libel&mdash;what is bond and what is free.<br /></span>
+<!--115.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[p. 116]</a></span></div></div>
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Rising from the fierce ordeal washed in blood and purified,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">See the future stretch before thee, limitless on every side;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And in all the deep'ning envy of the nations wed to sloth,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Mark the record of thy progress, see the mirror of thy growth.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Rising from thy purifying, like a giant from his rest,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Thou shalt find thy praise an echo from the East unto the West;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Thou shalt find thy love a message from the South unto the North,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Each its past mistake of duty finding out and casting forth.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And thy States in new communion, by the blood they all have shed,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Shall be wedded to each other in the pardon of the dead;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Each, a scale of steel to cover vital part from foreign wrong,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">All, a coat of armor guarding that to which they All belong.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Thou shalt measure seas with navies, span the earth with iron rails,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Catch the dawn upon thy banner and the sunset on thy sails;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Northern halls of ice shall echo to thy sailor's merry note,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the standard of thy soldier on the Southern isle shall float.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Turning to thy mother, England, thou shalt find her making boast<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of the Great Republic westward, born of strength that she has lost;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And thy Saxon blood shall join ye, never to be torn apart,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Moving onward to the future, hand in hand and heart to heart.<br /></span>
+<!--116.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[p. 117]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<p>At the conclusion of this last reading, my boy, we
+separated. When we are "heart to heart" with
+England, my boy, the heart that is underneath may
+possibly have ceased to beat.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Yours, to beat, or not to beat,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<!--117.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[p. 118]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><a name="LETTER_LXI" id="LETTER_LXI"></a>LETTER LXI.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>PORTRAYING A SOCIAL EFFECT OF THE POSTAGE-STAMP CURRENCY,
+DESCRIBING THE GREAT WAR MEETING IN ACCOMAC, RECORDING
+THE LATEST EXPLOIT OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE, AND INTRODUCING
+A DRAFTING ITEM.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Washington</span>, D. C., August 9th, 1862.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>If tired Nature's sweet restorer, balmy Sleep, should
+ever take it into her head to invade our distracted
+country, she would meet with less resistance in Washington
+than it is possible for the able-bodied mind to
+comprehend. Notwithstanding the fact that President
+Lincoln is an honest man, my boy, the genius of
+Slumber has opened a large wholesale establishment
+here, and the tendency to repose is so general that
+the authorities are just able to wink at secession sympathizers.
+It takes so long to get the news of the
+war from New York, that our citizens grow languid in
+the intervals. On Monday, indeed, an enterprising
+chap from Nantucket opened a Museum on the outskirts
+of the town, by way of varying the monotony,
+and quite a numerous crowd assembled to witness the
+performance. This Museum comprises a real two
+shilling piece, inclosed in a strong glass case, to preserve
+it from the violence of the mob, and even
+respectable old married men go to see it, for the sake
+of past associations. On the occasion of my visit to
+<!--118.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[p. 119]</a></span>
+this unique establishment I arrived shortly before the
+exhibition began, and found a brilliant array of
+beauty and fashion for an audience. It was quite
+interesting, my boy, to hear the conversation going
+on. There was a fine young chap just in front of me
+who has recently been appointed to the staff of the
+Commander-in-Chief in consequence of his great experience
+in the coal business, and says he to another
+Lubin's Extracts chap:</p>
+
+<p>"Fwedwick, who is that wavishing creatchah ovah
+they-ar, with the Peach-Orchard eyes and Lehigh
+hair?"</p>
+
+<p>"Aw, dimmy," says Lubin's Extracts, "that's the
+great heiress. She's worth eighty thousand postage-stamps."</p>
+
+<p>"The wed kind?" says the young staff-chap, eagerly&mdash;"is
+it the sticky wed kind, Fwed?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," says Lubin's Extracts, scornfully; "it's the
+green ten cent kind."</p>
+
+<p>"Intwojoose me," says the staff-chap, excitedly&mdash;"intwojoose
+me, Fwed; I must know her&mdash;upon my
+soul I must."</p>
+
+<p>Upon his soul, my boy&mdash;he said upon his <i>soul</i>!
+When it is possible for an introduction to take place
+upon such a soul as that, my boy, it will be comparatively
+able to man&#339;uvre an elephant brigade on the
+extreme point of an infant needle.</p>
+
+<p>When the manager of the Museum came out to lecture
+upon his great natural curiosity, there was immediate
+silence; and when the case was uncovered, revealing
+the quarter to full view, several very old gentlemen
+<!--119.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[p. 120]</a></span>
+fainted! Alas! they remembered the time
+when&mdash;but no matter now&mdash;no matter now.</p>
+
+<p>"Ladies and gentlemen," says the manager, pointing
+solemnly to his treasure, "the rare and beautiful
+coin which you now behold was well known to our
+forefathers, who stamped the figure of Liberty upon
+it, in order to show the world that this is the only
+country where man is at Liberty to deal in slaves by
+way of financial speculation. This rare coin disappeared
+as soon as the Liberty I speak of seemed to be
+endangered, nor will it reappear in this country again
+while there are so many brokers ahead."</p>
+
+<p>On quitting this admirable exhibition, my boy, I did
+not return to this city, but went immediately down to
+Accomac, to attend the great Union meeting. Accomac,
+my boy, has at length determined that this war
+shall be vigorously carried on, even if it takes several
+public speakers to say so; and the conduct of Accomac,
+in calling a meeting for such a purpose, reminds
+me of a chap in the Sixth Ward.</p>
+
+<p>He was a respectable family chap, who had formed
+a partnership with all his neighbors for the express
+purpose of taking entire and exclusive charge of their
+business for them, and evinced such a deep interest in
+the most private affairs of his friends, that absence
+did not conquer their love for him. One Sunday there
+was a city missionary at the church he attended, who
+implored the aid and prayers of the congregation in
+behalf of a poor but pious family, who were starving
+to death around the corner. "Hev any tracts been
+left with our suffering frens?" says the respectable
+chap, rising in his pew and pinching his benevolent
+<!--120.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[p. 121]</a></span>
+chin thoughtfully. "Yes," says the missionary, sadly,
+"we sent them some tracts on the immortality of the
+soul; but, horrible to relate, they gained no flesh by
+them." The respectable chap, who was a baker by
+profession, was much moved by this revelation of
+human depravity, and says he to a bald-headed chap
+in the next pew: "Brother Jones, you must attend to
+this sad case in the morning. We must remember our
+fellow-beings in affliction, Brother Jones. Early to-morrow
+you must take some bread to this suffering
+family. If you have no bread of your own, Brother
+Jones," says the respectable chap, feelingly, "come to
+my shop and I&mdash;I will sell you some for this charitable
+purpose." But Brother Jones proved to be a
+grievous backslider, my boy, and said he had an
+engagement to go to Hoboken on the morning in
+question. "Very well," says the respectable chap,
+when he heard this, "then I will arrange it in another
+way. Tell our starving brothers and sisters to have
+faith," says he to the missionary, in a heartfelt manner,
+"and they shall be fed, even as the ravings fed
+my old friend Elijah." So, the next day he called a
+meeting of brethren to pray that food might be sent
+to the suffering ones, and they used up the entire English
+language in prayer to such an extent, that when
+the respectable chap topped off with a benediction, he
+had to introduce some Latin quotations. They had
+just finished this noble work of Christian benevolence,
+when the missionary came tearing in, and says he:
+"It's all over; they're all dead; the last child starved to
+death half an hour ago." The respectable chap stared
+at him aghast, and says he: "Did you tell them to
+<!--121.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[p. 122]</a></span>
+have faith?" The missionary cracked a peanut, and
+says he: "Verily, I did; but they said they couldn't
+have faith on empty stomachs." The respectable chap
+pondered a while, and says he: "If they didn't have
+faith, my frens, the whole matter is explained. We,
+at least, have done our duty. We have prayed for
+them, frens&mdash;we have prayed for them." And the
+brethren went home to their dinners.</p>
+
+<p>Public mass meetings, my boy, to help a struggling
+country, are like prayer-meetings to aid the starving
+poor; the intention is good, but the practical benefit
+resulting therefrom is not visible to the naked eye.</p>
+
+<p>There was a large meeting at Accomac, several new
+liquor-shops having been opened there recently, and
+the speakers were as eloquent as it is possible for men
+to be when advising other men to do what they don't
+care to do themselves. A chap of large abdominal
+developments was specially fervid. Says he: "Let us
+show to them as is tyrants and reveling in the agonies
+of down-trodden Europe, that this Republic is able to
+put down all enemies whatsomever, without interfering
+with any of the inalienable rights of those who,
+though our enemies, are still our long-lost brothers.
+(Frantic applause.) Shall it be said that twenty-two
+millions of people cannot put down eight millions
+without injuring those eight millions? (Shrieks of
+approbation, and cries of "That's so!") No! a thousand
+times no! We fight, not to injure the South;
+not to interfere with them, which is our own flesh and
+blood, but to sustain the Constitution rendered sacred
+by Revolutionary gore! (Overwhelming enthusiasm.)
+The creatures which is trying to break up this here
+<!--122.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[p. 123]</a></span>
+beneficent Government, ask us what we are fighting
+for, then? Gracious hevings! what a question is this!
+Do they not know what we are fighting for&mdash;that in
+this unhappy struggle we&mdash;that our purpose, I would
+say, in prosecuting hostilities is to&mdash;is to&mdash;DO IT?
+Of course it is."</p>
+
+<p>This speech, short, terse, and to the purpose, was
+gloriously received by everybody, except a friendless
+chap, who said he didn't understand the last clause;
+and he was immediately sent to jail for daring to be so
+traitorously obtuse.</p>
+
+<p>Though the General of the Mackerel Brigade was
+seated upon the highest barrel on the platform, my
+boy, and blew his nose louder than any one else, he did
+not wish to be seen, nor did he intend that the assemblage
+should call upon him for the speech sticking out
+of his side-pocket; but when the throng accidentally
+found him to be the most prominent figure in sight,
+they thoughtlessly called upon him to say something.
+The General laid aside his fan with some embarrassment,
+and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"My children, I love you. My children," says the
+General, motioning to his aid to fill the tumbler again,
+"I daresay you expect me to say something, and
+though I am unprepared to speak, there is one thing I
+will say. If anything goes wrong in this war, nobody
+is to blame, as I alone am responsible. Bless you,
+my children."</p>
+
+<p>As the idol of the populace finished these touching
+remarks, and resumed his tumbler and fan, there was
+but one sentiment in the whole of that vast assemblage,
+and a democratic chap immediately went and
+<!--123.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[p. 124]</a></span>
+telegraphed to Syracuse that the prospect for a Democratic
+President in 1865, was beautiful.</p>
+
+<p>The meeting might have lasted another week, my
+boy, thereby rendering the Union cause utterly invincible,
+but for the imprudence of an insane chap who
+proposed that some of the young men present should
+enlist. This malapropos and singularly inconsistent
+suggestion broke up the assemblage at once, in great
+disorder&mdash;volunteering being just the last thing that
+any one thought of doing. Greatly edified and encouraged
+by what I had heard, my boy, I made all
+haste for Paris, where I found the Mackerel Brigade
+and Commodore Head's fleet in great excitement over
+the case of an Irish gentleman who believed this to be
+a white man's war, and had started for Paris, just
+fourteen minutes after landing in this country, for the
+express purpose of protesting against any labor being
+performed by negroes, while there were white men to
+do it. Colonel Wobert Wobinson, of the Anatomical
+Cavalry, quieted him by saying that, although a number
+of negroes were then engaged in digging trenches,
+a new line of holes in a far more unhealthy place
+would be commenced in the morning, and that none
+but Irishmen should be permitted to dig them.</p>
+
+<p>On the night previous to my arrival, my boy, while
+all the Mackerels were watching the stars with a view
+to prevent any surprise from that quarter, the Southern
+Confederacy on the other side of Duck Lake trained
+four large fowling-pieces upon their peaceful camp
+from behind a wood-pile, and commenced a ferocious
+and ear-splitting bombardment. It was some hours
+before our men could be got into position to return the
+<!--124.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[p. 125]</a></span>
+fire, as Captain Bob Shorty had forgotten where they
+had put the Orange County Howitzers when last using
+them. The fleet, too, was somewhat delayed in getting
+into action, as Commodore Head experienced some difficulty
+in unlocking the box into which he always puts
+his spectacles and slow-match before retiring at night.</p>
+
+<p>Finally, however, the howitzers were discovered
+behind some boards, and the spectacles and slow-match
+were forthcoming, and our troops were pouring
+a hot fire across Duck Lake before the Confederacy
+had got two-thirds of the way back to Richmond.
+Next morning, my boy, the Conic Section crossed the
+Lake, and cleared away everything on the opposite
+shore except the before-mentioned wood-pile. The
+latter contains the same kind of wood that was burned
+in the time of Washington, my boy, and twenty men
+were appointed to guard it from the profanation of
+our troops. We must protect such property at all
+hazards, my boy, or the Constitution becomes a nullity.</p>
+
+<p>Having crossed the treacherous element to view the
+immediate scene of these proceedings, and learned
+from Captain Villiam Brown that our pickets were
+within ten miles of the Confederacy's capital, I was
+about to make some short remark, when a messenger
+came riding forward in a great perspiration, and
+says he;</p>
+
+<p>"Our pickets have been driven in."</p>
+
+<p>"Ha!" says Villiam, "is the Confederacy again advancing
+upon the United States of America?"</p>
+
+<p>"Our pickets," says the messenger, impressively
+<!--125.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[p. 126]</a></span>
+"have been driven in; they have been driven into
+Richmond."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah!" says Villiam, pleasantly, "then send out some
+more pickets."</p>
+
+<p>I strolled away from the pair, my boy, reflecting
+upon the possibility of enough Mackerel pickets reaching
+Richmond in this way to make the Union sentiment
+there stronger than ever, and was looking listlessly
+to my footing, when I chanced to espy a paper
+on the ground. Picking it up, I found it to be a note
+from the wife of the Southern Confederacy to her
+cousin, dropped, probably by one of the Confederacies
+of the wood-pile. It bore the date of April the First,
+and read as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Dear Juleyer</span>:&mdash;I have just space of time to
+write you these few lines, hoping that these few lines
+will find you the same, and in the enjoyment of the same
+blessing. O my unhappy country! how art thou suffering
+at this present writing! I have not had a single
+new bonnet for two weeks, my beloved Juleyer,
+and my Solferino gloves are already discolored by the
+perspiration I have shed when thinking of my poor,
+dear South. My husband, the distinguished Southern
+Confederacy, is so reduced by trials, that he is a mere
+skeleton skirt. Oh, my Juleyer, how long is this to
+continue? Ere another century shall have passed
+away, the Yankees will have approached nearer
+Charleston and Savannah, and the blockade become
+almost effective. Since the Mackerel Brigade has
+changed its base of operations, even Richmond seems
+doomed to fall in less than fifty years. Everything
+<!--126.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[p. 127]</a></span>
+looks dark. Tell me the price of dotted muslin, for
+undersleeves, when you write again, and believe me,</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Your respected cousin,<br />
+"<span class="smcap">Mrs. S. C.</span>"<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>There's only one thing about this letter bothers me,
+and that's the date, my boy&mdash;the date.</p>
+
+<p>When very near this city, on my return home, I met
+a chap, weighing about two hundred and twenty-five
+pounds, who was on his way to a lawyer's to get his
+exemption from the draft duly filed.</p>
+
+<p>"See here, my patriotic invalid," says I, skeptically,
+"how do you come to be exempt?"</p>
+
+<p>"I am exempt," says he, in a proudly melancholy
+manner, "because I am suffering from a broken
+heart."</p>
+
+<p>"Hem," says I.</p>
+
+<p>"It's true," says he, sniffling dismally. "I asked
+the female of my heart to have me. She said I hadn't
+enough postage-stamps to suit her ideas of personal
+revenue, and she didn't care to do my washing. That
+was enough: my heart is broken, and I am not an
+able-bodied man."</p>
+
+<p>Drafting, my boy, is of a nature to develop the
+seeds of disease in the hitherto healthy human system&mdash;seeds
+which, if suffered to fructify, will be likely to
+ultimate in what gentlemen of burglarious accomplishments
+would chastely and botanically denominate
+a very large-sized "plant."</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Yours, seriously,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<!--127.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[p. 128]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><a name="LETTER_LXII" id="LETTER_LXII"></a>LETTER LXII.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>CONTAINING FRESH TRIBUTES OF ADMIRATION TO THE DEVOTED
+WOMEN OF AMERICA, AND DEVELOPING THE GREAT COLONIZATION
+SCHEME OF THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE FOR THE
+BENEFIT OF THE BLACK RACE.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Washington</span>, D. C., August 15th, 1862.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>Once more, my boy, this affectionate heart would
+render tribute of gushing admiration to the large
+souled women of America, who are again commencing
+to luxuriate and comfort our majestic troops with gifts
+almost as useful to a soldier as a fishing-pole would be
+to the hilarious Arab of Sahara. As I ambled airily
+near Fort Corcoran on Monday, my boy, mounted on
+my gothic steed Pegasus, and followed by the frescoed
+dog Bologna, after the manner of the British nobility,
+I chanced upon a veteran of the Mackerel Brigade,
+who had come up from Paris on one of those leaves of
+absence which grow from the tree styled Sycamore.
+He was seated under a wayside oak, examining some
+articles that had recently come to him in a package;
+now and then addressing his eyes in the more earnest
+language of the Sixth Ward.</p>
+
+<p>Having reined-in my spirited architectural animal,
+and merely pausing to administer a crumb of cracker
+from my pocket to a hapless blue-bottle fly which had
+<!--128.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[p. 129]</a></span>
+rashly alighted from the backbone of the charger, and
+was there starving to death, I saluted the Mackerel
+veteran, and, says I:</p>
+
+<p>"Comrade, wherefore do you select this solitary
+place to use language only fitting a brigadier when he
+is speaking to an inferior officer, or a high-toned conservative
+when referring to negroes, Wendell Phillips,
+and the republican party?"</p>
+
+<p>The veteran Mackerel sighed deeply, as he spread
+open the package to full view, my boy, and says he,
+respectfully:</p>
+
+<p>"Are you a married man, my cove?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," says I, with a feeling of mingled insignificance
+and financial complacency, "I never paid a milliner's
+bill in my life."</p>
+
+<p>"Neither did I," said the veteran, with a gleam of
+satisfaction, "neither did I; I always has them charged
+to me; but still I am the wedded pardner of one
+which is a woman. I have loved her," says the veteran
+passionately, "I have loved her better than I
+loved number Three's masheen, with which I was
+brought up, and that seemed to me like my own brother.
+I have stayed home from a fire more than once
+to go to church with her; and the last words I said to
+her when I come here was: 'Old woman! if Six's
+foreman comes here after that wrench, while I'm away,
+tell him I'll break that nose of his when I come
+back!' We was all confidence together," says the
+veteran, smiting his chest, madly; "and I never threw
+a brick that I didn't tell her of it, and now she's gone
+and sent me a copy of the Temperance Pledge, a pair
+of skates, two bottles of toothache drops, and six
+<!--129.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[p. 130]</a></span>
+sheets of patent fly-paper. I really believe," says the
+veteran, bitterly&mdash;"I really believe that she thinks I
+ain't got nothing to do here but to keep house and
+take care of an aged grandmother."</p>
+
+<p>At the conclusion of this unnatural speech, my boy,
+I hastily trotted away upon my architectural steed;
+for I had not patience enough to talk longer with one
+whose whole nature seemed so utterly incapable of
+appreciating those beautiful little attentions which
+woman's tender heart induces her to bestow upon the
+beloved object. Since the last time I was sick, my boy,
+I have entertained a positive veneration for the wonderful
+foresight of that blessed sex, whose eyes remind
+me of pearl buttons. At that period, when the doctors
+had given me up, and nothing but their absence
+seemed capable of saving my life, one of the prevalent
+women of America heard of my critical condition,
+and, by her deep knowledge of human nature, was
+enabled to rescue me. She sent me a bottle of stuff,
+my boy, saying, in a note of venerable tone, that it
+had cured her of chapped hands several times, and she
+hoped it might break my fever. With a thankful, confident
+heart, I threw the bottle out of the window, my
+boy, and got well in less than three months.</p>
+
+<p>The other day, I went down to Accomac again, to see
+the General of the Mackerel Brigade, who had invited
+me to be present while he made an offer of bliss to a
+delegation from that oppressed race which has been
+the sole cause of this unnatural war, and is, therefore,
+exempted from all concern in it.</p>
+
+<p>The General, my boy, was seated in his temporary
+room of audience when I arrived, examining a map of
+<!--130.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[p. 131]</a></span>
+the Border States through a powerful magnifying-glass,
+and occasionally looking into a tumbler, as though he
+expected to find something there.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, old Honesty," says I, affably, "what is our
+next scheme for the benefit of the human race?"</p>
+
+<p>He smiled paternally upon me, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"It is my purpose to settle the Negro Question in
+accordance with the principles laid down in the Book
+of Exodus. Thunder!" says the General, with magisterial
+emphasis, "if we do not secure the pursuit of
+happiness to the slave, even, we violate the Constitution
+and become obnoxious to the Border communities."</p>
+
+<p>I was reflecting upon this remark, my boy, and wondering
+what the Constitution had to do with the Book
+of Exodus, when the delegation made its appearance,
+and caused the room to darken perceptibly. Not to
+lose time, the General waved his hand for the visitors
+to be seated, and, says he:</p>
+
+<p>"You and we are different races, and for this reason
+it must be evident to you, as well as to myself, that it
+is better you should be voluntarily compelled to colonize
+some distant but salubrious shore. There is a wide
+difference between our races; much wider, perhaps,
+than that which exists between any other two races.
+Your race suffers very greatly, and our race suffers in
+suffering your race to suffer. In a word, we both suffer,
+which establishes a reason why our race should
+not suffer your race to remain here any longer. You
+who are here are all present, I suppose."</p>
+
+<p>A voice&mdash;"Yes, sah."</p>
+
+<p>"Perhaps you have not been here all your lives.
+<!--131.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[p. 132]</a></span>
+Your race is suffering the greatest wrong that ever
+was; but when you cease to suffer, your sufferings are
+still far from an equality with our sufferings. Our
+white men are now changing their base of operations
+daily, and often taking Malvern Hills. This is on
+your account. You are the cause of it. How you
+have caused it I will not attempt to explain, for I do
+not know; but it is better for us both to be separated,
+and it is vilely selfish in you (I do not speak unkindly)
+to wish to remain here in preference to going to Nova
+Zembla. The fact that we have always oppressed you
+renders you still more blameable, especially when we
+reflect upon the fact that you have never shown resistance.
+A trip on your part to Nova Zembla will benefit
+both races. I cannot promise you much bliss right
+away. You may starve at first, or die on the passage;
+but in the Revolutionary War General Washington
+lived exclusively on the future. He was benefitting
+his race; and though I do not see much similarity
+between his case and yours, you had better go to
+Nova Zembla. You may think that you could live in
+Washington, perhaps more so than you could on a
+foreign shore. This is a mistake. None but white
+army contractors and brigadiers on furlough can live
+here.</p>
+
+<p>"The festive isle of Nova Zembla has been in existence
+for some time, and is larger than any smaller place I
+know of. Many of the original settlers have died, and
+their offspring would still be living had they lived long
+enough to become accustomed to the climate. You
+may object to go on account of your affection for our
+race, but it does not strike me that there is any cogent
+<!--132.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[p. 133]</a></span>
+reasons for such affection. So you had better go to
+Nova Zembla. The particular place I have in view for
+your colonization is the great highway between the
+North Pole and Sir John Franklin's supposed grave.
+It is a popular route of travel, being much frequented
+by the facetious penguin and the flowing seal. It has
+great resources for ice-water, and you will be able to
+have ice cream every day, provided you supply yourselves
+with the essence of lemon and patent freezers.
+As to other food, I can promise you nothing. There
+are fine harbors on all sides of this place, and though
+you may see no ships there, it will be still some satisfaction
+to know that you have such admirable harbors.
+Again, there is evidence of very rich bear-hunting.
+When you take your wives and families to a place
+where there is no food, nor any ground to be cultivated,
+nor any place to live in, then the human mind would
+as naturally turn to bear-hunting as to anything else.
+But if you should die of starvation at the outset, even
+bear-hunting may dwindle into insignificance. Why
+I attach so much importance to bear-hunting is, it will
+afford you an opportunity to die more easily than by
+famine and exposure. Bear-hunting is the best thing
+I know of under such circumstances.</p>
+
+<p>"You are intelligent, and know that human life depends
+as much upon those who possess it as upon anybody
+else. And much will depend upon yourselves if
+you go to Nova Zembla. As to the bear-hunting, I
+think I see the means available for engaging you in
+that very soon without injury to ourselves. I wish to
+spend a little money to get you there, and may possibly
+<!--133.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[p. 134]</a></span>
+lose it all; but we cannot expect to succeed in anything
+if we are not successful in it.</p>
+
+<p>"The political affairs of Nova Zembla are not in quite
+such a condition as I could wish, the bears having
+occasional fights there, over the body of the last Esquimaux
+governor; but these bears are more generous
+than we are. They have no objection to dining upon
+the colored race.</p>
+
+<p>"Besides, I would endeavor to have you made equals,
+and have the best assurance that you should be equals
+of the best. The practical thing I want to ascertain
+is, whether I can get a certain number of able-bodied
+men to send to a place offering such encouragement
+and attractions. Could I get a hundred tolerably intelligent
+men, with their wives and children, to partake of
+all this bliss? Can I have fifty? If I had twenty-five
+able-bodied men, properly seasoned with women and
+children, I could make a commencement.</p>
+
+<p>"These are subjects of very great importance, and
+worthy of a month's study of the paternal offer I have
+made you. If you have no consideration for yourselves,
+at least consider the bears, and endeavor to reconcile
+yourselves to the beautiful and pleasing little
+hymn of childhood, commencing:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"I would not live always;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I ask not to stay."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>At the termination of this flattering and paternal
+address, my boy, the delegation took their hats and
+commenced to leave in very deep silence; thereby
+proving that persons of African descent are utterly
+<!--134.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[p. 135]</a></span>
+insensible of kindness and much inferior to the race
+at present practising strategy on this continent.</p>
+
+<p>Colonization, my boy, involves a scheme of human
+happiness so entirely beyond the human power of
+conception, that the conception of it will almost pass
+for something inhuman.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Yours, utopianically,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<!--135.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[p. 136]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><a name="LETTER_LXIII" id="LETTER_LXIII"></a>LETTER LXIII.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>GIVING A FAMILIAR ZOOLOGICAL ILLUSTRATION OF THE "SITUATION,"
+AND CELEBRATING THE BRILLIANT STRATEGICAL EVECUATION OF
+PARIS BY THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, August 22, 1862.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>On Monday morn, my boy, whilst I was pulling
+on a pair of new boots that have some music in their
+soles, there arose near my room door a sound as of
+one in dire agony, closely followed by a variously-undulated
+moan, as of some deserted woman in distress.
+Hastily discontinuing my toilet, and darting to
+the threshold, I beheld one of those scenes of civil war
+which impress the sensitive soul with horror and meet
+the just reprobation of feeling Albion.</p>
+
+<p>Rampant between two marrow-bones, my boy, was
+my frescoed dog, Bologna, eyeing, with horrid fury,
+Sergeant O'Pake's canine friend, known as Jacob
+Barker, and ever and anon uttering sentences of supernatural
+wrath. To these the excited Barker responded
+in deep bass of great compass, his nose curling with
+undisguised disdain, and his eyes assimilating to that
+insidious and fiery squint which betokens inexpressible
+malignity. There was something not of earth, my
+boy, in the frescoed Bologna's distortion of countenance
+as he attempted to keep an eye on each bone,
+<!--136.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[p. 137]</a></span>
+and at the same time look full in the face of his foe;
+and there was that in the sounds of his strain which
+betokened Sirius indecision.</p>
+
+<p>As I gazed upon these two infuriated wonders of
+natural history, my boy, and recognized the fact
+that the existence of two bones in contention prevented
+an actual battle, because neither combatant
+was willing to lose sight of either of them; whilst the
+presence of but one bone would have simplified the
+matter, and precipitated a decisive conflict, I could
+not but think that I saw symbolized before me the
+situation of our distracted country.</p>
+
+<p>The United States of America, my boy, and the
+well-known Southern Confederacy, are like two irascible
+terriers practising defiant strategy between two
+bones, the one being the festive negro-question, and
+the other the Union. Now it seems to me, my boy&mdash;it
+seems to me, that if the gay animal with U. S.
+on his collar would only dispose of the bone nearest
+him without further vocalism, there would be a better
+chance for him to secure the other bone in the combat
+sure to come.</p>
+
+<p>Dogs, my boy, and men, are very much alike, in
+their hostile meetings, neither seeming to know just
+exactly which is truly their <i>magnum bonum</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Ascending the roof of my architectural steed, Pegasus,
+on Tuesday, I induced the gothic animal to
+adopt a pace sometimes affected by the fleet tortoise,
+and went down to Accomac in pursuit of knowledge
+respecting recruiting. Just before reaching that Arcadian
+locality, my boy, I met Colonel Wobert Wobinson,
+of the Western Cavalry, who had been down
+<!--137.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[p. 138]</a></span>
+there to induce volunteering and infuse fresh confidence
+into the masses. He offered a bounty of two
+hundred dollars; three dollars to be paid immediately,
+and the rest as soon as the war commences in earnest;
+and promised to each man a horse physically
+incapacitated from running away from anything.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, my bold dragoon," says I, cordially, noticing
+that Pegasus had already fallen into a peaceful
+doze, "how go enlistments?"</p>
+
+<p>The colonel waved away an abstracted crow that
+was hovering in deep reverie over my charger's brow,
+and says he: "I have enlisted all the people of Accomac."</p>
+
+<p>"I want to know," says I, Bostonianly.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," says he, "I called a meeting, and succeeded
+in enlisting all&mdash;their sympathies."</p>
+
+<p>As I gazed upon the equestrian warrior, my boy,
+methought I saw the youngest offspring of a wink
+trembling in a corner of his right eye, and I felt that
+the world renowned Snyder was at that moment laboring
+under a heavy incubus. Such is life.</p>
+
+<p>The state of health in Accomac indicates that the
+demon of disease is abroad in the land, looking chiefly
+for his victims among those between the tender ages
+of eighteen and forty-five. Instead of having a sling
+in his hand, like the young warrior David, each young
+man I met had his hand in a sling, whilst the dexter
+leg of more than one able-bodied patriot suggested
+the juvenile prayer of "Now I lame me, down to
+slip." And there were the women of America fairly
+crying in terror of the draft, instead of bearing themselves
+like the Spartan ribs of old.
+<!--138.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[p. 139]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Alas! my boy, why cannot our people realize, that
+a nation, like a cooking-stove, cannot keep up a steady
+fire without a good draft. We need men for the crisis,
+and we only find cry sisses for the men.</p>
+
+<p>I could not stay here, so I hastened on to Paris,
+where a great strategic movement was about to supply
+all the world with fresh recollections of the late
+Napoleon. I say <i>late</i> Napoleon, my boy, because our
+Napoleon is apt to be behind time.</p>
+
+<p>As far back as I can remember, I have been fully
+aware that this movement was about to take place, but
+would not, like too many other correspondents, betray
+the confidence reposed in me. This bosom, my boy, this
+manly and truthful bosom, is about the right shop for
+confidence. Nor is it like the bosoms of those who
+can truthfully say that they never <i>give</i> important information
+to the enemy, though every body knows
+that they sell it.</p>
+
+<p>On arriving in Paris, I saw at once that preparations
+for outgeneraling the deceived Confederacy had already
+commenced; for the down-trodden General of the
+Mackerel Brigade had assembled the reliable contrabands
+whom he had used for some weeks past, and
+was taking leave of them in a heart-felt manner.</p>
+
+<p>Mounted on a small keg, from the bung hole of
+which came the aroma of pleasant rye fields, the General
+softly wiped his lips, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"Being members of a race which we regard as a
+speshees of monkeys, my black children, the fact that
+this is a white man's war will prevent your taking part
+in the entirely different race about to come off. After
+the manner of Andrew Jackson at New Orleans, I
+<!--139.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[p. 140]</a></span>
+have called upon you to do something for your adopted
+country; but as my friend Andrew was particular to
+make his proclamation read '<i>free</i> negroes,' there can
+be no parallel between the two cases further. Therefore,
+return to your masters, my children, and tell
+them that the United States of America wars not
+against them rights of which you are a part. Go! And
+remember, that as Gradual Emancipation is about to
+come off, you will soon know the juicy richness of being
+free to visit all parts of the world, except those not
+included in the pleasing map of Nova Zembla."</p>
+
+<p>The contrabands departed, my boy, in blissful procession,
+and many of them are undoubtedly happy
+enough now. Happier, my boy, than they could hope
+to be if suffered to remain in this conservative and
+constitutional world.</p>
+
+<p>While the Mackerels were coming out of their holes,
+and polishing their shovels for the march, I observed
+that the general walked thoughtfully to his tent, in
+deep silence. I found Captain Villiam Brown expelling
+two reporters from the lines, lest they should prematurely
+divulge the movement then going on to the
+Confederacy seated on an adjacent fence, and says I
+to him:</p>
+
+<p>"Tell me, my fiery warrior, wherefore is it that the
+chieftain seeks his solitary tent?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ah!" says Villiam, reverently, "it is to pray for
+the cause of liberty and the rights of man, after the
+manner of George Washington, Mount Vernon, Virginia.
+Come with me, my cherub," says Villiam
+piously, "and you shall see martial greatness in a
+touching aspeck."
+<!--140.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[p. 141]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>We went softly to the tent together, my boy, and
+there beheld the beloved general of the Mackerel Brigade,
+with his face devoutly upturned. His face was
+devoutly upturned, my boy; but we could see something
+intervening between his countenance and the
+sky, and discovered, upon closer inspection, that it was
+a tumbler. Can it be, my boy, that this good man
+thought that Heaven, like any distant earthly object,
+could be brought nearer by looking toward it through
+a glass? Here is food for thought, my boy&mdash;here is
+food for thought.</p>
+
+<p>And now, Commodore Head having fished his iron-clad
+fleet from the tempestuous bosom of Duck Lake,
+and everything being in readiness&mdash;the march of the
+Mackerel Brigade commenced, with a silence so intense
+that we could distinctly hear all that anybody
+said.</p>
+
+<p>First, came a delegation of political chaps from the
+Sixth Ward, conversing with each other on the state
+of the country, and considering eight hundred and
+forty excellent plans for saving the Union, and getting
+up a straight-out ticket.</p>
+
+<p>Then appeared the well-known promenade band of
+the Mackerel Brigade, executing divers pleasant <i>morceaux</i>
+on his night-key bugle, an occasional stumble
+over a stone giving the airs a happy variety of sudden
+<i>obligati</i> improvements.</p>
+
+<p>Next appeared the idolized General of the Mackerel
+Brigade, modestly refusing to receive all the credit for
+the skillful movement, and assuring his staff that he
+really would not prefer to be President of the United
+States in 1865.
+<!--141.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[p. 142]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Followed by Commodore Head, with his squadron
+on his shoulders, swearing as usual in his iron-plated
+manner, and vowing to capture Vicksburg before he
+was twenty years older.</p>
+
+<p>Then advanced Captain Villiam Brown, Eskevire,
+Captain Bob Shorty, and Captain Samyule Sa-mith,
+each indignantly rejecting the idea that this movement
+was a retreat, and expressing the hope that Wendell
+Phillips would be immediately hung for it.</p>
+
+<p>Then came a train of wagons containing all the provisions
+that could not be thrown away.</p>
+
+<p>Succeeded by the Mackerel Brigade with shovels at
+a shoulder-arms, and noses suggestive of strawberry
+patches in the balmy month of June.</p>
+
+<p>And was this <i>all</i> the procession? you will ask; did
+nothing come after the Brigade itself?</p>
+
+<p>I am not a positive man, my boy, and care not to
+assert a thing unless I positively know it to be true.
+It was growing dark when we reached our destination,
+and I could not see distinctly toward the rear: yet I
+think I <i>did</i> see something coming after the Mackerel
+Brigade.</p>
+
+<p>What was it?</p>
+
+<p>It was the Southern Confederacy, my boy&mdash;the
+Southern Confederacy.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Your, excitedly,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<!--142.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[p. 143]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><a name="LETTER_LXIV" id="LETTER_LXIV"></a>LETTER LXIV.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>SHOWING HOW THE COSMOPOLITANS MET AGAIN, TO BE INTRODUCED
+TO THE "NEUTRAL BRITISH GENTLEMAN," AND HEAR MR. BONBON'S
+FRENCH STORY.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, August 25th, 1862<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>Ever since the British chap read all that unpublished
+British poetry at the Club, my boy, I have
+been anxious to favor him with an "Idyl," written by
+a friend of mine who has traveled much in Albion,
+and writes <i>ex-cathedra</i>. Last night there was a fair
+chance, and I then introduced</p>
+
+
+<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 2em">THE NEUTRAL BRITISH GENTLEMAN.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Incrusted in his island home that lies beyond the sea,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Behold the great original and genuine <span class="smcap">'Tis He</span>;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A paunchy, fuming Son of Beef, with double weight of chin,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And eyes that were benevolent&mdash;but for their singular tendency<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">to turn green whenever it is remarked that his<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">irrepressible American cousins have made another<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Treaty with China ahead of him&mdash;and taken Albion in.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time.<br /></span>
+<!--143.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[p. 144]</a></span></div></div>
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">With William, Duke of Normandy, his ancestors, he boasts,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Came over from the shores of France to whip the Saxon hosts;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And this he makes a source of pride; but wherefore there should be<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Such credit to an Englishman&mdash;in the fact that he is descended<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">from a nation which England is forever pretending<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">to regard as slightly her inferior in everything,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">and particularly behind her in military and naval<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">affairs&mdash;we really cannot see.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">He deals in Christianity, Episcopalian brand,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And sends his missionaries forth to bully heathen land;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Just mention "Slavery" to him, and with a pious sigh<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He'll say it's 'orrid, scandalous&mdash;although he's ready to fight<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">for the Cotton raised by slaves, and forgets how he<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">butchered the Chinese to make them take Opium,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">and blew the Sepoys from the guns because the<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">poor devils refused to be enslaved by the East India<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Company&mdash;or his phi-lan-thro-py.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">He yields to Brother Jonathan a love that passeth show&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"We're Hanglo-Saxons, both of us, and carn't be foes, you know."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But as a Christian Englishman, he cannot, cannot hide<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His horror of the spectacle&mdash;of four millions of black beings<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">being held in bondage by a nation professing the<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">largest liberty in the world, though in case of an<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">anti-slavery crusade the interests of his Manchester<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">factors would imperatively forbid him to&mdash;take<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">part on either side.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time.<br /></span>
+<!--144.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[p. 145]</a></span></div></div>
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Now seeing the said Jonathan by base rebellion stirred,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And battling with pro-slavery, it might be thence inferred<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That British sympathy, at last, would spur him on to strife;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But, strange to say, this sympathy&mdash;is labelled "<span class="smcap">Neutrality</span>,"<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">and consigned to any rebel port not too closely blockaded<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">to permit English vessels, loaded with munitions, to<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">slip in. And when you ask Mr. Bull what he means<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">by this inconsistent conduct, he becomes virtuously<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">indignant, rolls up his eyes, and says: "I carn't<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">endure to see brothers murdering each other and<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">keeping me out of my cotton&mdash;I carn't, upon my life!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Supposing Mr. Bull should die, the question might arise:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Will he be wanted down below, or wafted to the skies?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Allowing that he had his choice, it really seems to me<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The moral British Gentleman&mdash;would choose a front seat with<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">his Infernal Majesty; since Milton, in his blank<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">verse correspondence with old <i>Times</i>, more than<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">once hinted the possibility of Nick's rebellion<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">against Heaven succeeding; and as the Lower Secessia<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">has cottoned to England through numerous<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Hanoverian reigns, such a choice on the part of the<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">philanthropical Britisher would be simply another<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">specimen&mdash;of his <span class="smcap">Neutral-i-ty</span>!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>When Smith-Brown had heard that, my boy, he
+sniffed grievously, and says he: "England never <i>was</i>
+happreciated in this blarsted country."</p>
+
+<p>I believe him, my boy.</p>
+
+<p>It being Bonbon's turn to read a story, he unrolled
+his papers and gave us
+<!--145.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[p. 146]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<p class="gentitle">THE CONFESSION.</p>
+
+<p>"During my short stay in France, I belonged to a
+convent of Carthusian monks, and there became acquainted
+with the man whose confession constitutes
+my story. He had applied for admission to our order,
+as one who had tired of life's gaieties, and bestowed
+his wealth, which was enormous, upon the holy church.
+Brother Dominique was the name he assumed; and
+his austere devotion speedily gained him notoriety for
+great piety; but there was something so unnatural in
+his actions, and, at times, so incoherent in his speech,
+that we, who were his daily companions, involuntarily
+shuddered when he spoke to us. Among the various
+incongruities of his character, was a gloomy reserve&mdash;or,
+rather, pride, which repulsed all advances of friendship,
+and impressed upon the mind a conviction that
+Brother Dominique's religion was more like that of a
+hypocrite foiled in his schemes, than of a pure-minded
+man, whose sense of duty to his Creator had induced
+him to assume the serge and rosary. This conviction
+was more than confirmed by his occasional exclamations
+of anger and defiance, as though once more a
+prey to the passions of an outer world; and, at the
+expiration of a year from the time of his entrance, the
+new brother was an object of suspicion, if not dislike,
+to the whole convent, excepting myself.</p>
+
+<p>"My sentiments in regard to him were those of
+pity; for I felt confident that some great sorrow was
+preying upon his mind; and the wild agony which
+would often contort his whole countenance, while at
+<!--146.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[p. 147]</a></span>
+evening prayers, made me anxious to know something
+of his history.</p>
+
+<p>"One evening, having received an order to visit the
+cell of Dominique from our superior, I was surprised
+to find a curiously-fashioned lamp, burning in a niche,
+directly opposite an iron cot, on which the monk was
+sleeping. Knowing that the convent rules expressly
+forbade a light at that hour, I was about to extinguish
+it, when there fell upon my startled ear a loud yell,
+like that of a springing tiger, and, in an instant, I was
+seized by the throat. Filled with dismay, I struggled
+to extricate myself, when the beams of the lamp fell
+upon the writhing features of Dominique, pallid as
+those of a corpse, and spattered with froth from his
+lips.</p>
+
+<p>"'Devil, I defy thee!' he exclaimed, dashing me
+violently against the wall; and then quitting his hold.</p>
+
+<p>"'Brother Dominique, are you mad?' I asked, as
+soon as I could recover my breath.</p>
+
+<p>"'It is a lie! I am not mad!' he ejaculated, glaring
+fiercely upon me, and biting his lip until the blood
+streamed from his beard.</p>
+
+<p>"Hardly knowing what I did, I again approached
+the lamp; when he again sprang to my side, and
+pushed me violently from before it.</p>
+
+<p>"'Must I kill you, too?' he said, in a whisper that
+pierced me.</p>
+
+<p>"'You are excited,' I replied, with all the calmness
+I could muster. 'I thought you were asleep, or I
+should first have spoken to you about your lamp, the
+burning of which, at this late hour, is a violation of
+the rules.'
+<!--147.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[p. 148]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"He covered his face with his hands while I was
+speaking; and when he again looked up, all traces of
+former agitation had vanished.</p>
+
+<p>"'Forgive me, father,' he said, with composure.
+'Our superior has granted me the privilege of having
+a light always burning, as I am subject to fits, such as
+you have just witnessed, and cannot do without it.
+God have mercy upon me! I might have murdered
+you,' he added, turning suddenly pale again, and leaning
+against the damp wall.</p>
+
+<p>"I delivered my message, being anxious to leave a
+being whose passions were so violent when aroused;
+but he called me back as I turned away, and resting
+upon his hard bed, motioned for me to take a seat beside
+him.</p>
+
+<p>"I hesitated about complying at first; but there
+was an expression of mingled sorrow and entreaty
+resting upon his whole countenance, that awoke my
+sympathy and conquered fear. Closing the door of
+the cell, I obeyed him in silence, and sat down with a
+feeling of awe not to be defined.</p>
+
+<p>"'Father,' he said, laying one hand on each of my
+shoulders, and staring fixedly in my face, 'Will you
+hear me confess?'</p>
+
+<p>"The extreme abruptness of the question made me
+start from him with a gesture of surprise, but I answered
+not.</p>
+
+<p>"'Will you hear a tale of crime from a criminal?'
+he continued, pressing heavily upon me, 'a tale of
+murder from a murderer!'</p>
+
+<p>"I felt convinced that I had a maniac to deal with,
+and remembering to have heard that any sign of timidity
+<!--148.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[p. 149]</a></span>
+but added fuel to the fires of insanity, I steadily
+returned his stare, and responded as quietly as I
+could.</p>
+
+<p>"'Brother Dominique, if your soul is burthened
+with crimes, why not confess to the superior who is
+our father confessor?'</p>
+
+<p>"'No, no!' he exclaimed, frantically. 'To you, or
+no one.'</p>
+
+<p>"Fearful that, by refusing, I should again arouse
+him to violence, I drew my cowl closely over my
+head to guard against the damp air, and bade him tell
+me his sorrows.</p>
+
+<p>"He, at once, fell upon his knees before me&mdash;nor
+could I persuade him to assume any other attitude.</p>
+
+<p>"'Here on my knees,' he began, 'will I tell a tale
+that shall freeze your blood, and make you turn from
+me in scorn, or hatred. You will not betray me?'</p>
+
+<p>"I assured him I would not.</p>
+
+<p>"'I am the last of a noble Florentine house, which
+bears the names of sovereigns upon its registers. My
+father was a cold, stern man, proud of his high descent,
+and arrogant with those beneath him. My
+mother was the daughter of a Venetian noble, bright
+and beautiful as a diamond, and insensible to all the
+softer warmths of women as is that precious gem. I
+was their only child, and all the love their hearts were
+capable of feeling was bestowed upon me; all my desires
+were gratified ere expressed; obsequious menials
+stood about my path eager to obey my slightest nod;
+velvet received my infant footsteps, and the atmosphere
+around me was one of mellow music.</p>
+
+<p>"'I grew up to manhood a pampered child of fortune,
+<!--149.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[p. 150]</a></span>
+happy only in the midnight orgie or early morning
+revel, and the most polished profligate of my
+native city; yet my father regarded me with feelings
+of pride, and my mother looked upon her son as one
+well worthy to inherit the flaunting fortunes of his
+house. Although my father was ever kind to me he
+was subject to occasional fits of violence, when he
+would beat the servants, and render it necessary for
+his friends to confine him. It was said that he had
+seized a gipsey woman who had been caught in the
+act of stealing, causing her to be burned alive, and
+that while the flames were torturing the poor wretch,
+she had denounced her executioner with the bitterest
+execrations, and declared that he and his offspring
+should feel the curse of madness. The prophecy so
+worked upon my father's mind as to occasion periodical
+attacks of insanity, at which seasons he would
+rave fearfully, and, as I said before, render temporary
+confinement necessary. I cannot say that the knowledge
+of this fact had any effect upon me then, for I
+was gay and thoughtless; but, alas! it has since
+proved my bane, and poisoned every cup that has
+touched my lips.</p>
+
+<p>"'Onward I flew, in a whirl of wildest dissipation,
+until my twenty-first birth day, when my father ordered
+me to meet him in the library at a certain hour.
+Not daring to disobey him, although I anticipated
+some cutting rebuke for my late headlong course, I
+waited upon him at the appointed time, and was
+relieved when he asked me in a kind tone to take a
+seat near him.</p>
+
+<p>"'"Dominique," he said, "you have now reached
+<!--150.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[p. 151]</a></span>
+an age when you must give up childish follies, and be
+a man. You are my only son, and my titles and fortune
+must one day be yours. It is my hope that you
+may support them with honor; but, in order to do
+this you must take a decided step at once&mdash;you must
+marry."</p>
+
+<p>"'Although arrived at that period of life when
+woman usually becomes the principal object of man's
+hope and ambition, I was totally indifferent to them,
+and ridiculed those of my friends who had married,
+or, as I termed it, become slaves for life. But I knew
+my father's temper too well to thwart him, and appeared
+to acquiesce in his designs for my future benefit.
+He informed me that the lady whom he had
+selected to be my bride, was of a noble family, and
+would be at our villa in a few days, when he wished
+me to render myself as agreeable as possible, and
+at once commence my wooing.</p>
+
+<p>"'I left him with a feeling of despair at being so
+soon obliged to give up my gay companions and
+become suppliant to one whom I had never before
+seen, and belonging to a sex that I held in contempt.</p>
+
+<p>"'In my trouble I appealed to a young nobleman,
+an associate of mine, for advice, and he recommended
+that I should go abroad without my father's knowledge&mdash;afterwards
+giving him my reasons for so doing
+in a letter, and humbly asking his forgiveness. This
+advice just suited my disposition, and I resolved to
+follow it. Accordingly I collected sufficient funds for
+my journey, and on the morning of the day when my
+<!--151.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[p. 152]</a></span>
+intended bride was to arrive at our villa, I started
+with my valet for France.</p>
+
+<p>"'Upon reaching Paris I wrote to my father, declaring
+my determination to remain unmarried until
+tired of being my own master, and concluding by
+asking his pardon for the step which I had taken. My
+father did not answer this letter, and hence I supposed
+that he was seriously offended; but this conviction
+did not prey upon my mind for any length of time&mdash;indeed,
+I soon became more notorious in the French
+capital than I had been at home for unbounded extravagance
+and heedless dissipation. The well-known
+prominence and wealth of my family gained access
+for me to the circles of the most exclusive aristocracy.
+The glory and power of the unfortunate Louis and his
+peerless queen, Marie Antoinette, were already on
+the wane; yet their magnificence far eclipsed that of
+any other European court, and many traitors stood in
+the glittering throng that swarmed about them, whose
+meekly down-cast eyes were destined to blaze with
+the fires of rebellion, and whose swords were yet
+to flash terror into the heart of that sovereign who
+regarded them then as the staunchest bulwarks of his
+throne. With all due ceremony, I was presented to
+the ill-fated representatives of royalty, and quickly
+found myself the cynosure of all eyes, leered at by
+languishing dames, sneered at by those of my own sex
+whom nature had slighted, and honored with the
+attention of more than one aristocrat who afterwards
+fell a victim to the fury of red republicanism. But
+the sword of Damocles was suspended over our
+heads, and it soon fell with a clash that aroused
+<!--152.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[p. 153]</a></span>
+echoes in every corner of the globe. When first
+the ferocious Club proclaimed its prerogative, I
+joined with others in treating it as a subject beneath
+our notice; but, as the flames of insurrection spread,
+and street barricades were successfully defended
+against the assaults of the National Guard, I began to
+feel the danger of being an aristocrat, and take measures
+for flight when events should have reached their
+crisis. It was too late. At the dead of night, I was
+aroused from my sleep by a violent uproar in the
+street below, accompanied by a thundering at the
+court yard gates of my hotel. I sprang from my couch
+to the window, and, with a vague apprehension of
+what was to come, pulled aside the curtain and looked
+forth. Holy Virgin! what a sight was there!&mdash;Thousands
+of howling demons, fast losing all semblance
+of humanity, surging and roaring like an infernal
+sea, with ghastly death-lights leaping above its
+waves and drowning grim shadows beneath. 'Blood!
+blood!' was their watchword, and I heard my name
+bandied from lip to lip, with bitter execrations. My
+pride was aroused, and conquered every other emotion.
+Hastily drawing a heavy military cloak over
+my head and form, I opened the casement, and walked
+out upon the balcony. So completely did my garment
+shroud me, that the bloodhounds knew me not,
+and for a moment their hellish cries sank into dead
+silence.</p>
+
+<p>"'"Open the gates, or we will burn you alive,"
+shouted a hoarse voice.</p>
+
+<p>"'"<i>Vive le Roi!</i>" I shouted in answer.</p>
+
+<p>"'Oh, what rage there was in the yell responsive
+<!--153.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[p. 154]</a></span>
+to my taunt. It seemed as though Pandemonium had
+sent its countless fiends to join in the chorus of brutal
+fury. The gates were fast yielding, and my servants
+were constantly reminding me with pallid faces that
+I was ruthlessly sacrificing their lives for my own. In
+a moment, my resolution was made. I hastily assumed
+my usual dress, and wrapping the cloak about me,
+went down into the court and placed myself in a dark
+corner.</p>
+
+<p>"'"Open the gates," I cried, disguising my voice,
+and throwing it as far forward as possible.</p>
+
+<p>"'With quaking limbs, my servant obeyed the order,
+and in another moment, I felt the hot tide of
+devils bolting past me, into the elegant saloons of my
+hotel. So intent were the mob upon despoiling and
+plundering, that I was enabled to gain the street unmolested;
+but at that point, some enemy called my
+name, and with a shout of triumph, hundreds of infuriate
+demons started toward me. Knowing that
+resistance would be worse than madness, I drew my
+sword, and clenching it firmly in my right hand, with
+the point in front of me, I ran swiftly before them.
+Again arose the shouts, and onward came my enemies,
+panting for blood. Desperation gave me strength,
+and like a hunted deer, I far out-sped my pursuers;
+but human nature cannot be taxed beyond a certain
+point, and as I turned into the Rue St. Martin, my
+strength began to fail me, and my breath came hot
+and quick. Giving up all hope of escape and resolving
+to sell my life dearly, I was about to stand at
+bay, when an open door in a house close by caught
+my glance, and with the rapidity of thought, I darted
+<!--154.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[p. 155]</a></span>
+through and closed it behind me. My hunters had
+not yet turned the corner, but I could hear their cries
+and with regained strength, I ascended a flight of
+stairs and entered an apartment, when a scream of
+surprise arrested my progress. A young girl stood
+before me with uplifted hands and astonishment
+painted upon every feature.</p>
+
+<p>"'"Holy Mother! What would you have, monsieur?"</p>
+
+<p>"'"I am pursued by the <i>canaille</i>, mademoiselle,
+and entered here to recruit my strength. I will die
+like a man."</p>
+
+<p>"'"You are a royalist?"</p>
+
+<p>"'"Yes."</p>
+
+<p>"'I turned to the door, when she eyed me closely
+for some moments, and then opening a closet in the
+wall, pointed to its interior, without speaking. I saw
+at once that she wished to save me, and after raising
+her hands to my lips in mute expression of my gratitude,
+I entered the closet, and heard her turn the key
+in the lock. Almost at the same moment, loud shouts
+arose from the street and heavy footsteps were heard
+ascending the stairs.</p>
+
+<p>"'"Whose house is this?" demanded a gruff voice,
+as its owner apparently entered the room, in company
+with others.</p>
+
+<p>"'"Citizen Foliere's," answered my protectress, in
+sweet, calm tones.</p>
+
+<p>"'"Which side?"</p>
+
+<p>"'"<i>Vive la Republique.</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"'"<i>Tres bien.</i> He can't be here, comrades; he has
+<!--155.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[p. 156]</a></span>
+given us the slip. Where is your father, mademoiselle?"</p>
+
+<p>"'"He went to join in the attack on a hotel in the
+Rue St. Honore."</p>
+
+<p>"'"Then he will be back soon, for the building is
+in flames, though its master has escaped us. Adieu,
+mademoiselle."</p>
+
+<p>"'My nerves and muscles had been drawn to the
+last degree of tension, excitement had buoyed me up
+for a time; but now that my pursuers were departing
+and danger no longer surrounded me, a reaction took
+place, and I fell insensible upon the floor of my closet,
+while my fair jailer was in the act of liberating me.</p>
+
+<p>"'Soon a scorching heat fell upon my brain, and
+in fancy I returned to my father's house. Dire shapes
+of blood haunted me, until I raved like a maniac and
+cursed the author of my being as the author of my
+destruction.</p>
+
+<p>"'I woke as from a dream, and found myself lying
+upon a soft couch, attended by a physician, and a tall,
+middle-aged man, wearing the red republican badge&mdash;I
+owed my life to one of a class which I had ever
+despised. Monsieur Foliere had returned home soon
+after my pursuers had quitted it; and found his
+daughter attempting to revive me; great as was the
+risk he incurred by protecting a royalist, he did not
+hesitate to send at once for a surgeon, and order every
+comfort necessary to preserve my life.</p>
+
+<p>"'I endeavored to express my gratitude; but the
+stern citizen frowned, and from that time forth, I said
+no more on the subject. Health slowly returned to
+its temple, and as it sent the warm blood tingling
+<!--156.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[p. 157]</a></span>
+freshly through my veins, love mingled with the current
+that flowed to the heart. Cerise, my saviour,
+my guardian angel, hovered about my pillow like a
+spirit of light, awaking in my breast a passion which
+had never dwelt there before. She was not what the
+world termed a beauty; but there was a quiet grace
+about her actions, and a smiling, lovely dignity ever
+shining from her large brown eyes, that so drew her
+to me, as to make me silent and melancholy when she
+was not present.</p>
+
+<p>"'Not to linger over a period, the purest and
+brightest of my existence, suffice it to say, that Cerise
+returned my passion, and I was blest with her love.
+I told her my name, and painted the splendors of
+Florence, while she listened with a gentle smile of approbation,
+and consented to become my wife, should
+her father raise no objection.</p>
+
+<p>"'Anticipating no difficulty in that quarter, my
+happiness was unalloyed, and I considered her as all
+my own. At length, when my health was fully re-established,
+I asked a private interview with Citizen
+Foliere, and demanded the hand of his daughter in
+marriage. I described in glowing terms my love for
+Cerise and her reciprocation&mdash;I spoke of my high rank
+in Florence, the many honors of my family, and its
+great antiquity; the advantages which would accrue
+to him from having such a son-in-law&mdash;in fact, presented
+my views in every light of interest and paternal
+affection that I could devise. The stern republican
+heard me through in silence, and then answered
+coldly&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"'"Young man, you were received into my house,
+<!--157.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[p. 158]</a></span>
+a fugitive from retributive justice, and sheltered by
+me at the risk of my own good name and life. I
+pitied your youth, and yielded my protection, when
+duty bade me surrender you to my friends. Would
+you repay me by robbing me of my richest treasure,
+or forever blighting her existence by arousing in her
+bosom a hopeless passion? My daughter cannot be
+yours, though you boasted the blood of a sovereign;
+she shall never sit in the palaces of our oppressors.
+My decision is irrevocable, and this subject must be
+forever at rest."</p>
+
+<p>"'Frantic with indignation and disappointment, I
+flew to Cerise, and with the violence of a maniac, acquainted
+her with my ill-success; I swore she should
+be mine, or I would slay myself at her feet. By turns
+she wept and expostulated, until I accused her of
+faithlessness, when she threw herself into my arms,
+and in an agony of tears, bade me do with her as I
+pleased.</p>
+
+<p>"'That night I was on my way from Paris, with
+my <i>wife</i> clasped to my breast, calling down heaven's
+bitterest curses upon my head, should I ever cease to
+love her as I then did, and kissing the hot tears from
+her cheeks in a burning, maddening transport of blind
+devotion.</p>
+
+<p>"'Oh madman! wretch that I was&mdash;why did I not
+fall a withered corpse at the feet of that innocent girl,
+who sacrificed a father's love for me?</p>
+
+<p>"'At Genoa I purchased a villa in a retired spot,
+and there tasted the intoxicating joys of elysium; but
+fate was darkening in clouds above my head, and the
+bridal garlands were soon to blossom in a harvest of
+<!--158.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[p. 159]</a></span>
+blood. I wrote again to my father, acquainting him
+with the step I had taken, and narrating my escape
+from death in France. An answer soon came, and in
+the presence of my wife I read as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"'"<span class="smcap">Dominique</span>&mdash;Foolish boy, you have well nigh
+driven me to madness by your conduct, and your
+mother has gone to the grave a victim to the folly of
+her son. Come hither at once, if you would not kill
+me also, and behold the wreck that remains of</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+"'"<span class="smcap">Your Father.</span>"<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>"'The vague tone of this communication, and the
+intelligence of my mother's death, overwhelmed me
+with sorrow. Cerise, dear Cerise, fell upon my
+bosom and reproached herself as being the author of
+all my troubles. In vain did I try to forget my own
+griefs, and strive to console her; she soon became
+calm, but the smile of contentment no longer beamed
+from her eyes, and her peace was departed forever.
+She insisted upon obedience to my father's request,
+and when I yielded, accompanied me to my native
+city silent and tearless.</p>
+
+<p>"'Resolving to see my father alone, I left my wife
+at an obscure house in the suburbs of the city, and
+promising to return when I had softened my parent's
+wrath, I set out with a heavy heart for the home of
+my childhood.</p>
+
+<p>"'The servants at once recognized me, but I could
+only learn it from their glances, for they led the way
+in silence to the saloon of reception.</p>
+
+<p>"'My father was seated in a remote corner, conversing
+<!--159.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[p. 160]</a></span>
+with some person when I entered, and on beholding
+me, at once came forward and embraced me
+with every token of affection. Astounded at receiving
+such a salute, when I expected nothing but reproach,
+I stood motionless, staring at him in silence, until the
+other person present approached. Never shall I forget
+the appearance of Lucia on that day. Her raven
+locks, falling below her waist and mingling imperceptibly
+with the folds of her sable robe, contrasted
+strikingly with the snow-white purity of her complexion,
+over which her piercing eyes, shed a lustre truly
+spiritual. As my father introduced us, our glances
+met, and I felt a thrill to my inmost soul.</p>
+
+<p>"'It maddens me to dwell upon those scenes, and I
+will hasten to the conclusion of my story. I forgot
+Cerise, my honor&mdash;everything, in the society of her
+who had once been selected to wed with me. Day
+followed day until a month had elapsed, and I still remained
+fascinated to the spot, false to my vows, false
+to my wife, and true to nothing but blind infatuation.
+My father beheld me sinking deeper and deeper in
+the black waves of infamy, and a light of demoniac exultation
+burned in his eyes. I marked his triumph,
+and I, too, felt a savage joy, though for what reason, I
+knew not.</p>
+
+<p>"'At length he taunted me as the husband of a
+lazarone. He pointed with hellish glee to where Lucia
+stood, the incarnation of perfection, and bade me
+behold what I had lost. My brain was on fire, a
+thousand furies tugged at my heartstrings, and as my
+father clasped my hands in his and looked down into
+my soul, I felt that savage joy again, and a demon
+<!--160.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[p. 161]</a></span>
+possessed me. My father approached his face to
+mine, until his hot breath burned upon my cheek, and
+whispered in my ear; it was enough. With a loud
+laugh I left him and flew, rather than ran, to where
+my deserted wife was watching for me, sad and
+alone.</p>
+
+<p>"'Why did she not tax me with my perfidy?
+Why did not her angel soul arise in its innocent love,
+to crush me with the glancing of an eye? Oh, that
+she had uttered one reproach, one bitter word! She
+saw me, and with a cry of joy, cast her white arms
+about my neck, as on our marriage; they were like
+chains of searing, glowing iron to me, and I dashed
+her from me, howling in the delirium of my torments.
+She marked the wild fire that flashed from my eye,
+the dark flush that burned upon my cheek, my breast
+heaving with the struggles of the fiend within, my
+hair hanging in disordered masses over my throbbing
+brow, the cowardly trembling of the hand concealed
+in my bosom; she beheld a fiend incarnate in the
+form of one who had sworn to love and cherish her
+forever; yet no word of reproach arose from those
+lips I had so often kissed. Again her arms were about
+me, and again I attempted to dash her to the ground.</p>
+
+<p>"'"My husband, my dear Dominique!" she shrieked,
+clinging to me, and pressing her cheeks, pallid
+and cold, against mine, glowing and burning with the
+reflected fires of hell. The spell of madness fell upon
+me, as I struggled with that faithful wife, and hissing
+froth boiled from between my teeth, mingling with
+her long locks of auburn hair. I suffered all the torments
+of the damned as we swayed to and fro, until
+<!--161.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[p. 162]</a></span>
+her strength began to fail and her arms relaxed their
+hold. Then, with a horrid laugh, I wound her long
+curls about my hand, and plunged a stiletto to its hilt
+in her breast.</p>
+
+<p>"'The warm blood of life poured in a torrent upon
+me, and as my victim lay gasping upon the ground, I
+danced frantically about her, laughing with glee.</p>
+
+<p>"'I did not wait to see her die&mdash;I <i>dared not</i> do it&mdash;but
+all gory as I was, I returned to my father. He
+met me with a smile, and his calmness communicated
+itself to me.</p>
+
+<p>"'I was happy then&mdash;oh! yes, very happy!</p>
+
+<p>"'With blood upon my hand, and madness in my
+brain, I wooed Lucia with all the cunning of insanity,
+and another gentle heart soon beat for me alone.</p>
+
+<p>"'We were married! I remember the bright glare
+of the lights, the holy dignity of the priests, the gay
+laughter of the brilliant company, as my health and
+<i>happiness</i> were pledged in goblets of rare wines, the
+face of my <i>second</i> wife shining like that of an angel,
+with fond, confiding love for <i>me</i>; and then my father!
+We looked at each other, and smiled exultantly&mdash;we
+murderers, madmen, receiving the homage of reasonable
+beings. I was filled with mad joy, and sent
+forth peals upon peals of laughter while the ceremony
+was being performed. My father joined in my unnatural
+merriment, and surprise and fear was painted on
+every countenance. I saw the lips of Lucia tremble,
+and squeezed her hand so that she groaned with pain.
+Oh! what would I not have given to have been in the
+open air, yelling my triumph to the beast in his lair
+and the bird on the wing; making nature's arena to
+<!--162.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[p. 163]</a></span>
+echo my bursts of mirth, and rising far above the
+earth on a sea of discord. My father continued near
+me through the ceremony, and left the saloon at its
+conclusion; but I <i>knew</i> that his feelings were like
+mine and envied his liberty.</p>
+
+<p>"'Then I grew calm again, and friends congratulated
+me, and music filled the air, and the dance went
+on, and I kissed my bride until she involuntarily shrank
+from me in confusion. I was very happy then.</p>
+
+<p>"'At length the midnight hour arrived and the
+maidens of Lucia conducted her, veiled in blushes, to
+the nuptial couch. How beautiful did she look, arrayed
+in spotless white, such as bright angels wear.
+An hour elapsed ere I flew to her chamber and threw
+myself upon the floor in a paroxysm of mirth. There
+was a large lamp of glass that burned before a mirror
+in our bridal chamber, and as its perfumed oil was
+consumed a delicious odor ladened the air; as I
+rolled upon the carpet and tore it with my teeth, the
+light shone in my eyes, and in an instant I ceased all
+motion and stared fixedly at it, while cold drops of
+water came out upon my temple.</p>
+
+<p>"'Timidly my bride approached and spoke to me;
+but I answered her not; for there was another form before
+my eyes; another bride speaking to my soul.
+There was an explosion; the lamp fell into a thousand
+pieces, and where it had been there stood <i>my murdered
+wife</i>, with the blood pouring from her bosom, and the
+stiletto in her hand. I saw her as plainly as I now
+see you, and she bade me <i>slay her rival</i>! I knew my
+fate decreed it so; I dared not disobey the dead, and
+with a howl of fury, I sprang upon Lucia, my <i>second</i>
+<!--163.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[p. 164]</a></span>
+bride. In vain she clasped her hands to me in prayer
+for mercy; in vain she tried to shriek for help; I
+grasped her pale throat until my nails sank into the
+flesh, and a purple hue spread over her face. There
+I saw her sink from blooming health to ghastly death,
+and every feature was visible to me in all its convulsive
+workings, although the light was out.</p>
+
+<p>"'My spirit wife stood before me and my last victim,
+until she faded to nothing in the morning light.</p>
+
+<p>"'As the beams of the sun streamed in upon me, I
+took my dead bride in my arms and stalked gaily
+down to the saloon of my father. I heard him laughing
+loudly, and with a laugh I answered him as I
+carried my burden into his presence. He, too, had
+something in his arms, and it was the lifeless form of
+Cerise, crumbling to decay, and fresh from a banquet
+of worms. We placed our treasures side by side upon
+a table, and embraced each other with yells of laughter.
+Higher and higher rose our mirth, and louder
+grew our shouts of triumph, until the street beneath
+us was crowded with people, and the servants burst
+into the saloon where we held our revel.</p>
+
+<p>"'We were seized and carried before the Duke,
+with the cold corpses of my wives; but we laughed
+when they called us murderers, and cursed when
+others called us madmen.</p>
+
+<div class="center"><pre>       *       *       *       *       *</pre></div>
+
+<p>"'The keepers of the madhouse awoke me from my
+slumbers to tell me that my father had died during
+the night. What was that to me? I wanted a light
+burning beside me all night, and then he would not
+come from the grave to visit me. So I laughed and
+was merry to think that I was locked up in a madhouse.
+<!--164.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[p. 165]</a></span>
+After many years I was released from my
+prison, and came thither to take the cowl of a monk.
+Think not that I am mad, holy father, when I solemnly
+swear that the shades of my wives stand beside
+me every night, and only wait until the light goes
+out, to drag me down to hell. I see them <i>now</i>, with
+bleeding bosom, and throat bearing the prints of my
+nails! Cerise! Lucia! I defy thee both! The lamp
+still burns! ha! ha! ha!'</p>
+
+<p>"With a horrid laugh brother Dominique fell upon
+his face on the ground, like one blasted by a stroke
+from heaven; and with a vague feeling of terror, I
+crawled stealthily to my own cell.</p>
+
+<p>"On the following day we met at morning prayer,
+in the chapel, but he treated me as though we had
+never known each other, and the events of the preceding
+night were never again mentioned by either of us.</p>
+
+<p>"One evening, loud peals of laughter were heard
+issuing from the cell of the maniac, and several of the
+monks hastened thither with me, to learn its cause.
+On opening the door, I first beheld the lamp lying
+extinguished in its niche, while brother Dominique
+was stretched upon the stony pavement in strong convulsions,
+giving vent every now and then to sounds of
+mirth, so dreadful that we stopped our ears, and fled
+horrified to the superior. When all was again silent
+we returned to the cell; but the maniac was not there,
+and the niche was vacant."</p>
+
+<p>Such, my boy, was the story related by M. Bonbon,
+the reading making him hoarse, and the plot suggesting
+a nightmare also.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Yours, staringly,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<!--165.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[p. 166]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><a name="LETTER_LXV" id="LETTER_LXV"></a>LETTER LXV.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>NOTING THE REMARKABLE RETROGRADE ADVANCE OF THE MACKEREL
+BRIGADE UPON WASHINGTON, AND THE UNSEEMLY RAIDS
+OF THE RECKLESS CONFEDERACY.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Washington</span>, D. C., August 30th, 1862.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>As every thing continues to indicate, my boy, that
+President Lincoln is an honest man, I am still of the
+opinion that the restoration of the Union is only a
+question of time, and will be accomplished some
+weeks previous to the commencement of the Millennium.
+It is the "Union as it was" that we want, my
+boy, and those who have other articles to sell are
+hereby accused of being accursed Abolitionists. I
+was talking the other day to a venerable Congressman
+from Maryland, who had just arrived to protest
+against the disturbance of mail facilities between Baltimore
+and the capital of the Southern Confederacy,
+and says he, "I have several friends who are Confederacies,
+and they inform me that they are perfectly
+willing to return to the Union as it Was, in case they
+should fail in their present enterprise. If I thought,"
+says the Congressman, hastily placing a lottery-ticket
+in his vest-pocket, "if I thought that this war was to
+be waged for the purpose of injuring the Southern
+Confederacy, rather than to restore the Union as it was,
+<!--166.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[p. 167]</a></span>
+I should at once demand more mileage of the Government,
+and repeatedly inquire what had become of all
+the 'Wide-Awakes.'"</p>
+
+<p>As he uttered this last horrible threat, my boy, I
+was impressed with a sense of something darkly democratic.
+Too many of the "Wide-Awakes" of the last
+campaign are indeed fast asleep now, when their
+country needs them. I saw one of them slumbering
+near Culpepper Court House last week. He was
+sleeping with his right arm twisted in the spokes of
+a disabled cannon wheel, and a small purple mark
+was on his right temple. But he was not alone in his
+forgetful sloth, my boy; for near him, and rigidly
+grasping his disengaged hand, was a Democrat slumbering
+too!</p>
+
+<p>The sight, I remember, rendered me so honestly indignant,
+that I could not help pointing it out to the
+Mackerel Chaplain, who was engaged in selling hymn-books
+to the wounded. The Chaplain looked a moment
+at the Fusion Ticket before us.</p>
+
+<p>"They sleep for the Flag," says he, softly, "and
+may its Stars shed pleasant dreams upon their loyal
+souls for ever."</p>
+
+<p>The Chaplain is an enthusiast, my boy, and this is
+what he has written about</p>
+
+
+<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 2em">OUR GUIDING STARS.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The planets of our Flag are set<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">In God's eternal blue sublime,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Creation's world-wide starry stripe<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Between the banner'd days of time.<br /></span>
+<!--167.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[p. 168]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Upon the sky's divining scroll,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">In burning punctuation borne,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They shape the sentence of the night<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That prophesies a cloudless morn.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The waters free their mirrors are;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And fair with equal light they look<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Upon the royal ocean's breast,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And on the humble mountain brook.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Though each distinctive as the soul<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Of some new world not yet begun,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In bright career their courses blend<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Round Liberty's unchanging Sun.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Thus ever shine, ye Stars, for all!<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And palsied be the hand that harms<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Earth's pleading signal to the skies,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And Heav'ns immortal Coat of Arms.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>You are probably aware, my boy, that the unconquerable
+Mackerel Brigade is still advancing upon
+Washington in a highly respectable and strategic
+manner; and that all correspondents are excluded
+from the lines, lest some of them, in their natural
+blackness of heart, should construe the advance upon
+Washington into a retreat from Richmond.</p>
+
+<p>But I gained admission to the scene by adopting
+the airy and pleasing uniform of the Southern Confederacy;
+and am thereby enabled to give you some
+further account of the skillful retrograde advance to
+which I dimly referred in my absorbing last.
+<!--168.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[p. 169]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The uniform of the Southern Confederacy is much
+respected by many of our officers, my boy, and is the
+only guise in which a fellow-being may scrutinize the
+national strategic works with entire safety.</p>
+
+<p>Thus attired, I joined the Mackerel Brigade in its
+cheerful work of pushing Richmond away from its
+martial front, and having penetrated to the rear where
+horrible carnage was being wrought in the frantic
+ranks of the Confederacy, I beheld the idolized General
+of the Mackerel Brigade anxiously searching for
+something upon the ground. In a moment, he looked
+up, and says he to the warriors in his neighborhood:</p>
+
+<p>"My children, have you seen anything of a small
+black bottle that I placed upon the grass, just now,
+when I turned to speak to my aid?"</p>
+
+<p>A Mackerel chap coughed respectfully, and says he:
+"I guess it was taken by some equestrian Confederacies,
+which has just made another raid."</p>
+
+<p>"Thunder!" says the General, "that's the third
+bottle I've lost in the same way within an hour." And
+he proceeded slowly and thoughtfully to mount his
+horse, which stood eyeing him with funereal solemnity
+and many inequalities of surface.</p>
+
+<p>Turning to another part of the line, my boy, I beheld
+Captain Villiam Brown and Captain Bob Shorty
+in the act of performing a great strategic movement
+with the indomitable Conic Section, many of whom
+were employing the moment to take a last look at the
+canteens presented to them before leaving home by
+their devoted mothers. A number of reckless Confederacies
+had just crossed a bridge spanning a small
+stream near by, and the object of this daring movement
+<!--169.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[p. 170]</a></span>
+was to suddenly destroy the bridge before they
+could retreat and then make prisoners of the whole.</p>
+
+<p>It was a sublime conception, my boy&mdash;it was a sublime
+conception, and rich with strategy.</p>
+
+<p>Like panthers surrounding their unsuspecting prey,
+the wily Mackerels swept noiselessly across the bridge,
+applied their axes with the quickness of thought, and
+in a moment the doomed structure fell splashing into
+the water. It was beautiful to see Villiam's honest
+exultation at this moment; his eyes brightened like
+small bottles of brandy with the light shining through
+them, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"We have circumvented the Confederacy. Ah!"
+says Villiam, proudly; "the United States of America
+is now prepared to continue in the exchange business,
+and&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>He paused. He paused, my boy, because he suddenly
+observed that Captain Bob Shorty had commenced
+to scratch his head in a dismal manner.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm blessed," says Captain Bob Shorty, in a cholerical
+manner&mdash;"I'm blessed if I don't think there's
+some mistake here, my military infant!"</p>
+
+<p>"Ha!" says Villiam, with dignity; "do you discover
+a flaw in the great chain woven by the United
+States of America around the doomed Confederacy?"</p>
+
+<p>Captain Bob Shorty again scratched his head, and
+says he:</p>
+
+<p>"I don't wish to make unpleasant insinuations; but
+it seems to me that this here body of infantry has left
+itself on the wrong side of the stream!"</p>
+
+<p>And so it had, my boy. By one of those little mistakes
+which will sometimes occur in the most victorious armies,
+<!--170.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[p. 171]</a></span>
+the Conic Section had thoughtlessly
+<i>crossed the bridge</i> before destroying it, thus leaving
+themselves on one side of the river, while the riotous
+Confederacies were on the other.</p>
+
+<p>How they got across again, at a fordable place
+higher up, just in time to see the Confederacies cross
+again, at a fordable place lower down, I will not pause
+to tell you, as such information might retard enlistments.</p>
+
+<p>Once more stationing myself near the General of the
+Mackerel Brigade, who sat astride his funereal charger
+like the equestrian statue of the Duke of Wellington,
+I was watching his motions attentively, when a body
+of horsemen suddenly dashed by him, and I saw, as
+they disappeared, that he was left bareheaded.</p>
+
+<p>"Thunder!" says the general, winking very violently
+in the sunlight, and rattling his sword in a fearless
+manner, "where's my cap gone to?"</p>
+
+<p>There was a respectful Mackerel chap at hand, and
+says he:</p>
+
+<p>"I think it was took by the equestrian Confederacy,
+which has jest made another raid."</p>
+
+<p>"Hum!" says the general, thoughtfully, "that's
+very true. Thunder!" says the general to himself, as
+it were: "this is all Greeley's work."</p>
+
+<p>Pondering deeply over this last remark, I sauntered
+to another part of the field, where the Orange County
+Howitzers were being prepared to repel the charge of
+a regiment of Confederacies, who had just come within
+our lines for the purpose. The artillery was well
+handled, my boy, and not a piece would have been
+captured but for the splendid discipline of the gunners.
+<!--171.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[p. 172]</a></span>
+They were too well disciplined to dispute orders,
+my boy; and as Captain Samyule Sa-mith had
+accidentally forgotten to give the order to "load"
+before he told them to fire, the effect of our metal
+upon the hostile force was not as inflammatory as it
+might have been.</p>
+
+<p>The next I saw of Samyule, he was making his report
+to the general, who received him with much enthusiasm.</p>
+
+<p>"Where are your guns, my child?" says the general,
+with paternal affability.</p>
+
+<p>Samyule blew his nose in a business-like manner,
+and says he;</p>
+
+<p>"Several of them have just gone South."</p>
+
+<p>I am unable to state what response the general intended
+to make, my boy; for at this instant a body of
+horsemen swept between the speakers, one of the
+riders jerking the veteran's horse violently from under
+him, and galloping the steed away with him. Up
+sprang the general, in a violent perspiration, and says
+he:</p>
+
+<p>"Where's my horse gone to?"</p>
+
+<p>"I guess," says a Mackerel chap, stepping up&mdash;"I
+guess that it was took by the equestrian Confederacy,
+which has just made another raid."</p>
+
+<p>"Thunder!" says the general, "they'll take my
+coat and vest next." And he retired to a spot nearer
+Washington.</p>
+
+<p>I would gladly continue my narrative of the advance
+movement, my boy, showing how our forces
+continued their march in excellent order, safely reaching
+a spot within ten miles of the place they gained
+<!--172.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[p. 173]</a></span>
+on the following day; but such revelations would
+simply tend to confuse your weak mind with those
+great doubts concerning military affairs which tend to
+render civilization impertinently critical.</p>
+
+<p>It is the simple duty of civilians, my boy, to implicitly
+trust our brass-buttoned generals; of whom
+there are enough to furnish the whole world with war&mdash;and
+never finish it at that.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Yours, weekly,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p>
+
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<!--173.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[p. 174]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><a name="LETTER_LXVI" id="LETTER_LXVI"></a>LETTER LXVI.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>IN WHICH OUR CORRESPONDENT ASTONISHES US BY ENGAGING IN
+SINGLE COMBAT WITH M. MICHELET, AND DEMOLISHING
+"L'AMOUR" AND "LA FEMME."</p></div>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, Sept. 4th, 1862.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>While I was lounging in a banker's drawing-room
+this morning, my boy, waiting for the filthy lucre
+chap to come down and say that he was glad to see
+me, I chanced to see the eternal "L'Amour" and
+"La Femme" lying upon a table in the apartment.
+The sight threw me into a bad humor, for I detest
+those books, my boy, and wish the United States of
+America had never seen them.</p>
+
+<p>Monsieur Michelet, a French individual of questionable
+morals, first writes a book about "Love," and
+then clinches it with one about "Woman." It is
+hardly necessary to add, that he treats both subjects
+in a thoroughly French manner, and makes one a continuation
+of the other. Love is a charming little story
+in every man's life, "complete in one number"&mdash;Number
+one. Woman is a love-story, "to be continued"
+until, like all other continued stories, it ends
+with marriage!</p>
+
+<p>Such is the logic implied by Monsieur Michelet's
+two books, and whether it is calculated to elevate or
+degrade the weaker sex, a majority of educated
+<!--174.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[p. 175]</a></span>
+American women have eagerly read the books and
+accepted the sentiments as so many compliments.
+And the men? They leisurely rove through the
+leaves of monsieur's mental Valambrosa, and say:
+"How Frenchy!" And in that natural exclamation
+we find the most complete and just criticism of
+"L'Amour" and "La Femme" possible to American
+lips or pen.</p>
+
+<p>This Michelet, my boy, is a man of talent and remarkably
+clear poetical perception. He is as much
+like Hallam as a Frenchman can be like an Englishman,
+and France honors him for his development of
+the poetry of her history; but is that any reason why
+he should be accepted as the modern High-priest of
+Love and the Censor of Woman? By no means.
+Madame de Stael was thinking of a Frenchman when
+she wrote: "Love is only an episode in man's life"&mdash;and
+may have referred to herself when she added:
+"but it is woman's whole existence." Had an American
+woman spoken this, we should suspect the sentiment
+to be nothing more than the reproach of a disappointed
+passion; but of the Frenchman it is indisputably
+true, as well as of woman wherever we find
+her.</p>
+
+<p>The French do not know what Fidelity means, my
+boy; they have chameleon souls, and remain true to
+one object only until another comes within their reach.
+Like mad bulls, they are attracted by the quiescent
+warmth of fiery-red; and, having attained it, tear it
+to pieces in their passion.</p>
+
+<p>What can such people know about Love? Nothing.
+They call Love "L'Amour," and when we speak of a
+<!--175.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[p. 176]</a></span>
+man's "amours," we mean that he "loves" like a
+Frenchman. Monsieur Michelet is a Frenchman;
+and supposing him to be an ordinary one, we must
+accept his sentiments regarding Woman as we would
+those of an Apicius regarding a delicacy he apostrophizes
+before devouring. But Michelet's temperament
+is poetical, and while he looks upon Woman as a foretaste
+of the sensualist's paradise, and upon Love as the
+means of gaining it, he covers up the grossness of his
+ideas with robes borrowed from the angels. Adopting
+Kepler's canon, that "harmony is the perfection
+of relations," he makes Woman, the creature, a continuation
+of Love, the sentiment; and the tenor of his
+"L'Amour" and "La Femme" is, that both must be
+possessed by man, in order to perfect the union which
+makes them a perfect One.</p>
+
+<p>Wherever I go I find these books: cheek to cheek
+they repose on the carved table of the lady's boudoir;
+shoulder to shoulder they stand on the library shelf;
+<i>tete-a-tete</i> they give the rich centre-table an equivocal
+aspect. Young men and maidens, old men and
+matrons, children and chambermaids read them; yet
+they have no social effect. Woman understands love
+and herself; Man thinks he understands both; and
+the fictitious fervor of Monsieur Michelet has no more
+effect upon either than so much prismatic froth. It
+addresses itself piquantly to the eye, and murmurs
+like a shell in the ear; but once out of sight and hearing,
+and it is only an excuse for light talk and laxity
+of thought.</p>
+
+<p>I am glad to record this; it shows that our national
+morality is in no danger of being wrecked on the
+<!--176.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[p. 177]</a></span>
+French coast by any such tropical gales as Michelet,
+Feydeau, or Dumas can blow. Let our publishers
+bring over a few more cargoes from the Aug&aelig;an
+stables of French literature in English bottoms, and I
+will guarantee them large profits. We will read them,
+and immediately forget all about it.</p>
+
+<p>But to return to Michelet again. Our women read
+his "Woman," and imagine that it compliments their
+sex&mdash;flatters them. Fortunate is it, that flattery very
+seldom changes a woman's character, though it may
+sway her judgment. She accepts it as her right, but
+seldom believes it. Queen Elizabeth graciously extended
+her hand to be kissed when her noble lover
+compared her to "the sun, whose faintest ray extinguishes
+the brightest planet;" yet that same hand
+had signed the flatterer's death-warrant. At the moment
+she was pleased, and her good sense dazed; but
+her heart was not reached. Flattery, skillfully administered,
+may add fuel to a woman's love; but
+the fire must first be kindled with something more
+sympathetic. An American woman may read "La
+Femme," and complacently receive its subtle <i>equivoques</i>
+as so much fuel added to her vanity; but that
+vanity was kindled into existence in the first place by
+the genuine homage of some honest man.</p>
+
+<p>It was Michelet's "Woman," my boy, that suggested
+this letter; yet I did not intend, at the outset,
+to devote so much space to his unwholesome sophistry.
+If I have shown, however, that Michelet's "Woman"
+is only such a being as he would have created
+under that name, could he have changed places with
+the Deity, I have not wasted time and ink. Thank
+<!--177.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[p. 178]</a></span>
+fortune, there is but one French deity, and his proper
+name commences with a D.</p>
+
+<p>Now, let me give my own idea of Woman&mdash;not
+"La Femme."</p>
+
+<p>As she stands before me in the light of Nature, she
+is no "enigma," as voluntarily-puzzled poets have
+called her; but a being easily defined, and not more
+nearly related to the angels than man. To the best
+of her sex we attribute one natural weakness and one
+virtue&mdash;Curiosity and Modesty. Everybody must
+allow this much. But why should we make such a
+distinction between these two qualities? Let us trace
+them back to their exemplar:</p>
+
+<p>Eve's curiosity was the first effect of her serpentine
+temptation. Was it not? Well, that curiosity caused
+her to eat the forbidden fruit. Having eaten it, and
+caused Adam to eat, she suddenly became possessed
+of modesty, and made herself an apron of fig-leaves.
+It is but natural to infer that her first blush was worn
+at the same time, though Milton attributes blushes to
+the angels. As angels are immaterial beings, I think
+Milton was mistaken. Now, if modesty, as well as
+curiosity, was the result of Satanic temptation, why
+should one be called a weakness and the other a virtue?
+Are not both the fruits of original sin?</p>
+
+<p>Woman's love is said to be stronger and more lasting
+than man's. Is it so? Let us trace it back to its
+beginning:</p>
+
+<p>Eve's love for Adam did not prevent her fall. She
+met the Prince of Darkness and listened to his blandishments,
+as too many ladies of the present time
+prefer the society of bogus courtiers to that of their
+<!--178.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[p. 179]</a></span>
+Adams of husbands. She forever disgraced Adam,
+herself, and her future family, just to please the
+tempter. Was this a proof the depth and vitality of
+Woman's love? And Adam? Why, rather than refuse
+any request of the woman he loved, however extravagant,
+he voluntarily shared in her ruin, and courted
+the curse of her fall. Did this prove that Man's love
+is weaker and shorter-lived than Woman's?</p>
+
+<p>Now, I should like to see some one impudent enough
+to assert that Eve was more curious, or less modest,
+or more fickle than are the best of her female descendants.
+Such impudence is not compatible with the
+present position of civilization. Then, as Eve was the
+great exemplar of her sex in Modesty and Fidelity as
+well as Curiosity, it follows that Woman's Modesty is
+the result of inherited sin, and her Fidelity in Love
+no greater than Man's.</p>
+
+<p>Alas! for the "angels" of the poets, my boy. Prove
+that her Modesty and Love are anything but heavenly,
+and what remains to make Woman angelic?</p>
+
+<p>I could honor, love, and might obey the Best of Her
+Sex; but I shall never worship her. She is not a
+Deity&mdash;only a Woman. I believe that God intends
+each woman for a wife; yet six marriages out of every
+dozen are unhappy ones. And what is the reason?
+Simply this:</p>
+
+<p>Before marriage, man generally accepts one of the
+two poetical theories respecting Woman. He either
+supposes her to be an angel, purer and more elevated
+in her nature than he in his; or gloats over her as a
+delicate morsel prepared for his special delectation
+by the gods. In either case, he finds out his mistake
+<!--179.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[p. 180]</a></span>
+when it is too late to rectify it, and his disappointment
+is but the refinement of disgust. He either discovers
+that woman is only a human being, and very much
+like himself by nature; or that constant familiarity
+with her brings her down to the level of a man in his
+estimation. There is but one possibility of escape
+from disappointment in either case; the death of husband
+or wife within a year of the wedding day!</p>
+
+<p>Husbands and wives, have I spoken truly?</p>
+
+<p>But there are exceptions to every rule. Some men
+marry women for the sake of having homes of their
+own; others, for money; still others, because it is the
+fashion. The man who marries for a comfortable
+home often gets what he desired, and is contented;
+the mercenary husband is likely to do and feel the
+same; the fashionable husband generally cuts his
+throat. These exceptions do not break the rule.</p>
+
+<p>It may be asked: Why do widowers so often marry
+again, if they were so disappointed in their first
+wives? My boy, you are no philosopher. How
+many men have learned wisdom by experience? Only
+a few, and they are all dead. If a sailor is shipwrecked,
+and nearly killed on his first voyage, does
+he forsake the sea forever after? If a man buys an
+image supposed to be made of marble, and discovers
+that it is plaster, does he never buy another image?
+Because you and your neighbors chance to buy a
+barrel of bad eggs, are you satisfied that good ones
+are not to be had?</p>
+
+<p>An enthusiastic young man marries a girl whom he
+supposes to be an "angel." A year passes, and he
+mourns over his mistake. A few more roll away, and
+<!--180.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[p. 181]</a></span>
+she dies. Does the widower profit by his experience?
+No! He says to himself: "My late wife was not an
+'angel;' but that sweet girl I saw yesterday certainly
+is. She is entirely different from my late wife."
+Well, he marries angel No. 2. She proves to be No.
+1 in a different dress.</p>
+
+<p>A tropical young man is infatuated with the physical
+beauty of a girl, and marries her with the idea
+that he will never weary of looking at her. A year
+passes, and he is heartily tired of her. She dies.
+Does the widower profit by his experience? No! He
+says to himself: "I was wearied of my late wife because
+her hair, eyes and complexion were the same as
+mine. Physiologists say that opposites are necessary
+to matrimonial bliss. There is Miss &mdash;&mdash;, with her hair,
+eyes and complexion, in direct antithesis with mine.
+I am <i>sure</i> I should never weary of her!" He marries
+her. And tires of her.</p>
+
+<p>Do you see, my boy?</p>
+
+<p>And now to remedy this evil: Let us look upon
+woman as she is. If an "angel" with golden hair,
+snowy complexion, pearly teeth, heaven blue eyes,
+and no appetite, sounds better in poetry than a true
+woman, with auburn hair, fair complexion, clean
+teeth, and nice blue eyes, why, let the poets rant about
+"angels." But poetry has nothing to do with so
+practical an event as marriage, and its "angels" will
+not do for wives. A man cannot be guilty of a more
+absurd and unprovoked piece of injustice, than that
+of persisting in believing his bride more of an angel
+than human. He might as well go to a jeweller's,
+and insist upon buying a pearl for a diamond, when
+<!--181.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[p. 182]</a></span>
+the certain result of such folly would be his denunciation
+of the pearl as a swindle, when time convinced
+him of its real character. No true woman desires to
+be looked upon as an "angel," nor to have her beauty
+valued as a joy imperishable.</p>
+
+<p>It is very common for women to lament the indifference
+of husbands who were the most attentive and
+obedient of lovers. I have explained the cause of the
+defection.</p>
+
+<p>To secure happiness&mdash;or contentment, at least&mdash;in
+the marriage state, we must regard woman as our
+equal by nature, whatever superiority or inferiority she
+may possess by virtue of her mental or social education.
+We must not look <i>up</i> to her, nor <i>down</i> upon
+her, but straight <i>at</i> her. We must not base our love
+for her upon supposed angelic qualities. If we desire
+to make her happy, and be happy ourselves, we must
+recognize her human origin in common with our own,
+and accept her physical inferiority as security for the
+continuance of our own love in all its normal strength.</p>
+
+<p>Of course there are grades in human nature. Some
+natures are more refined than others, from the effects
+of their surroundings and education. But the lover
+should recognize no degree higher than his own when
+he selects his mistress. Then, if hers proves higher
+than his, after marriage, he is delighted; if the same
+as his, he is satisfied. But suppose it should prove
+lower than his? Such a supposition is untenable in
+a marriage of mutual affection. A superior nature
+will never gravitate to an inferior one by the attraction
+of real love. There must be a natural sympathy;
+<!--182.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[p. 183]</a></span>
+and sympathy is the rock upon which all true love is
+founded.</p>
+
+<p>Love never yet blended incompatible natures in
+marriage. Money often does&mdash;brute-insanity sometimes.</p>
+
+<p>You have probably concluded, by this time, my
+boy, that my ideas of the true Woman and Monsieur
+Michelet's views of "La Femme" are decidedly at
+variance.</p>
+
+<p>I have sufficient faith in the good sense of Woman
+to believe that she will give preference to my doctrine.
+If so, she will not translate "La Femme" as "Woman,"
+but as "grisette," "lorette," or "camelia lady." To
+christen such a work "Woman," is to lay a snare for
+the Best of Her Sex, and catch the Weakest in it. The
+female who allows it to affect her may possibly make
+"a neatly-shod grisette," but never a good wife.</p>
+
+<p>It may be asked why I have made "Woman" the
+subject of this letter, and why I have adopted such a
+Frenchy style?</p>
+
+<p>Simply because there is no subject less understood,
+my boy, by the generality of young mankind; and
+because I deem it best to practice the doctrine of
+<i>similia similibus curantur</i> (in style) while quarreling
+with Monsieur Michelet.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Yours, sentimentally,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<!--183.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[p. 184]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><a name="LETTER_LXVII" id="LETTER_LXVII"></a>LETTER LXVII.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>GIVING ASSURANCE OF THE UNMITIGATED SAFETY OF THE CAPITAL,
+EXEMPLIFYING COLONEL WOBINSON's DRAFTING EXPERIENCE, AND
+NARRATING A GREAT METAPHYSICAL VICTORY.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Washington</span>, D. C., September 5th, 1862.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>Everything is confident and buoyant here, my boy,
+a sense that the President is an honest man, inspiring
+confidence on every side, and surrounding the Government
+with well-known confidence men. The repeated
+safety of the Capital, indeed, has even inspired
+the genius of New England, as illustrated by a
+thoughtful Boston chap, with one of those enlarged
+business ideas which will yet enable that section to
+betrade the whole world. The thoughtful Boston
+chap has read all the war-news, my boy, for the last
+six months, and as he happens to be a moral manufacturer
+of burglar-proof safes, a happy pecuniary
+thought struck him forcibly. After joining the church,
+to make sure of his morality here, he came hither in
+haste, opened an establishment, read the war-news once
+more, and then issued the following enterprising
+card:
+<!--184.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[p. 185]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="center">
+BUY THE CELEBRATED<br />
+WASHINGTON SAFE!<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>Everybody thought it was the safe they'd read so
+much about in the papers, my boy, and several hundreds
+were sold.</p>
+
+<p>There was another chap, named Burns, the inventor
+of a Family and Military Gridiron, who noticed how
+the thoughtful Boston chap was making money by the
+advertising necessities of our distracted country. Having
+been born in Connecticut at a very early age, my
+boy, he was not long in finding a way to make his
+own eternal fortune, after the same meritorious manner.
+So he at once repaired to a liquor shop, to make
+sure that a majority of our staff-officers would hear
+him, and then, says he, in stentorian tones:</p>
+
+<p>"My sympathies are all with the Southern Confederacy,
+to whom I send the weekly journals of romance
+on the day of publication. As to the Union," says
+the Connecticut chap, hotly, "I have less confidence
+in it than I have in my Patent Economical Family
+and Military Gridiron."</p>
+
+<p>He was immediately arrested for this seditious talk,
+my boy, and all the reporters telegraphed an exciting
+dispatch to the reliable morning journals:</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Exciting Affair&mdash;Arrest of an Influential Rebel!</i>&mdash;The
+celebrated Mr. Burns has been arrested for
+publicly saying that he had more confidence in his
+<!--185.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[p. 186]</a></span>
+well-known and ingenious patent Economical Family
+and Military Gridiron than he had in the Union.
+Upon hearing of his incarceration, the most sanguine
+rebel sympathizers here admitted that the cause of the
+South was lost forever."</p>
+
+<p>The Connecticut chap remained in custody until he
+had received four hundred orders for gridirons, from
+private families and army-chaplains, and then he explained
+that the words he had used were uttered in
+the heat of passion, and he was, of course, honorably
+discharged from prison, to make way for a shameless,
+aged miscreant just committed for two years' hard labor,
+on suspicion of having discouraged enlistments
+by asserting that, although he was too old to go to the
+war himself, he intended to send a substitute.</p>
+
+<p>Simultaneously, all the reporters telegraphed again
+to the reliable morning journals:</p>
+
+<p>"<i>The Burns Affair Settled!&mdash;Full Particulars of
+the Gridiron!</i>&mdash;Mr. Burns, the celebrated inventor
+of the famous Patent Gridiron, has been honorably
+discharged by order of the Secretary of War. His
+inimitable Gridiron is destined to have an immense sale.</p>
+
+<p>"It cooks a beafsteak in such a manner that the appetite
+is fully satisfied from merely looking at it, and
+the same steak will do for breakfast next morning.
+This is a great saving. Persons having nothing to eat
+find this Gridiron a great comfort, and hence the propriety
+of introducing it in the army."</p>
+
+<p>The Gridirons are having a great sale, my boy, and
+<!--186.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[p. 187]</a></span>
+it is believed that the business interests of the country
+are being rapidly improved by the war.</p>
+
+<p>Knowing that the Mackerel Brigade was making
+preparations to entrap the Southern Confederacy at
+Molasses Junction, I ascended to the upper gallery of
+my architectural steed, Pegasus, on Tuesday, in order
+that I might not be unduly hurried on my journey.
+Taking Accomac on my way to the battle-field, my
+boy, I called upon Colonel Wobert Wobinson, who is
+superintending preparations for the draft there, and
+was witness to an incident suitable to be recorded
+in profane history.</p>
+
+<p>The draft in Accomac, my boy, is positively to take
+place on the 11th of September; but it is not believed
+that the enrollment can be finished before the 15th;
+in which case, the draft must inevitably take place on
+the 20th. In fact, the Judge-Advocate of the Accomac
+states positively that the conscription will commence
+on the 1st of October; and volunteering is so
+brisk that no draft may be required. At least, such is
+the report of those best acquainted with the more decisive
+plans of the War Department, which thinks of
+joining the Temperance Society.</p>
+
+<p>The exempts were filing their papers of exemption
+with Colonel Wobert Wobinson, my boy, and amongst
+them was one chap with a swelled eye, a deranged
+neck-tie, and a hat that looked as though it might
+have been used as an elephant's foot-bath. The chap
+came in with a heavy walk, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"Being a married man, war has no terror for me;
+but I am obliged to exempt myself from military
+affairs on account of the cataract in my eyes."
+<!--187.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[p. 188]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Colonel Wobert Wobinson looked at him sympathizingly,
+and says he: "You might possibly do for a
+major-general, my son, as it is blindness principally
+that characterises a majority of our present major-generals
+in the field; but fearing that your absence from
+home might cause a prostration in the liquor business,
+I will accept your cataract as valid."</p>
+
+<p>The poor chap sighed until he reached the first hiccup,
+and then says he: "I wish I could cure this here
+cataract, which causes my eyes to weep in the absence
+of all woe."</p>
+
+<p>"Do your orbs liquidate so freely?" says the Colonel,
+with the air of a family physician.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," says the poor chap, gloomily, "they are like
+two continual mill streams."</p>
+
+<p>"Mill streams!" says Colonel Wobinson meditatively,
+"mill streams! Why, then, you'd better dam
+your eyes."</p>
+
+<p>"I think, my boy, I say I <i>think</i>, that this kindly
+advice of Colonel Wobert Wobinson's must have been
+misunderstood in some way; for an instant departure
+of several piously-inclined recruits took place precipitately,
+and the poor chap chuckled like a fiend.</p>
+
+<p>It is the great misfortune of our mother tongue, my
+boy, that words of widely-different meanings have
+precisely the same sound, and in using one you seem
+to be abusing another.</p>
+
+<p>Arriving near the celebrated Molasses Junction,
+where a number of Mackerels were placing a number
+of new cars and locomotives on the track&mdash;the object
+being to delude the Southern Confederacy into taking
+a ride in them, when, it was believed, the aforesaid
+<!--188.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[p. 189]</a></span>
+Confederacy would speedily be destroyed by one of
+those "frightful accidents" without which a day on
+any American railroad would be a perfect anomaly&mdash;arriving
+there, I say, I took an immediate survey of
+the appointed field of strife.</p>
+
+<p>To the inexperienced civilian eye, my boy, everything
+appeared to be in a state of chaotic confusion,
+which nothing but the military genius of our generals
+could make much worse. On all sides, my boy, I beheld
+the Mackerel chaps marching and countermarching;
+falling back, retiring, retreating, and making retrograde
+movements. Some were looking for their regiments;
+some were insanely looking for their officers,
+as though they did not know that the latter have
+resided permanently in Washington ever since the war
+commenced; some were making calls on others, and
+here and there might be seen squads of Confederates
+picking up any little thing they might happen to
+find.</p>
+
+<p>Finding the general of the Mackerel Brigade lunching
+upon a bottle and tumbler near me, I saluted him,
+and says I:</p>
+
+<p>"Tell me, my veteran, how it is that you permit the
+Southern Confederacy to meander thus within your
+lines?"</p>
+
+<p>The general looked toleratingly at me, and says he;</p>
+
+<p>"I have a plan to entrap the Confederacy, and end
+this doomed rebellion at one stroke. Do you mark
+that long train of army wagons down there near my
+quarters?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," says I, nervously.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, then, my nice little boy," says the general,
+<!--189.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[p. 190]</a></span>
+cautiously, "I'll tell you what the plan is. These
+wagons contain the rations of our troops. It is my
+purpose to induce the celebrated Confederacy to capture
+these wagons and attempt to eat those rations. If
+the Confederacy will only do that," says the general,
+fiercely, "it will be taken sick on the spot, and we
+shall capture it alive."</p>
+
+<p>I could not but feel shocked at this inhuman artifice,
+my boy. The Southerners have indeed acted in away
+to forfeit all ordinary mercy, but still, we should abstain
+from any retaliatory act savoring of demoniac
+malignity. Our foes are at least human beings.</p>
+
+<p>Suppressing my horror, however, I assumed a practical
+aspect, and says I:</p>
+
+<p>"But how are the Mackerel warriors to subsist, my
+Napoleon, if you allow the rations to go?"</p>
+
+<p>"Thunder!" says the general, handing me a paper
+from his pocket. "They are to subsist exclusively on
+the enemy. Just peruse this document, which I have
+just fulminated."</p>
+
+<p>Taking the paper, I found it to be the following</p>
+
+
+<p class="centeredtitle">PROCLAMATION.</p>
+
+<p>Whereas, The matter of provisions is a great expense
+to the United States of America, besides offering
+inducements for unexpected raids on the part of
+the famishing foeman; the Mackerel Brigade is hereby
+directed to live entirely upon the Southern Confederacy,
+eating him alive wherever found, and partaking
+of no other food.</p>
+
+<p>The Brigade will not be permitted to take any clothing
+<!--190.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[p. 191]</a></span>
+with it on the march, being required henceforth
+to dress exclusively in the habiliments of captured
+Confederacies.</p>
+
+<p>We have done with retrograde movements. No
+more lines of retreat will be kept open, and henceforth
+the Mackerel Brigade is to make nothing but
+great captures.</p>
+
+<p class="right">By order of<br />
+<span class="smcap">The General of the Mackerel Brigade</span>.<br />
+[Green Seal.]<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>This able document, my boy, pleased me greatly as
+an evidence that the war had indeed commenced in
+earnest; and though at that moment, I beheld some
+half a dozen Confederacies ransacking the tent where
+the general kept his mortgages, his bank account, and
+other Government property, I felt that our foes were
+about to be summarily dealt with at last.</p>
+
+<p>An orderly having finally given notice to the Confederacies
+rummaging within our lines to get to their
+proper places, in order that the battle might begin, the
+Anatomical Cavalry, under Captain Samyule Sa-mith,
+made a headlong charge upon a body of foes who
+were destroying a bridge near the middle of the field,
+and succeeded in obliging them to remain there.
+This brilliant movement was the signal for a general
+engagement, and a regiment of Confederacies at once
+advanced within our lines and inquired the way to
+Washington.</p>
+
+<p>Having given them the desired information, and allowed
+a number of other similar regiments to take a
+position between the Mackerels and the capital, the
+<!--191.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[p. 192]</a></span>
+general gave orders for the Conic Section and the
+Orange County Howitzers to fall cautiously back, in
+order that the remaining Confederacies might get between
+us and Richmond.</p>
+
+<p>You will perceive that by this movement, my boy,
+we cut the enemy's force completely in two, thus compelling
+him to attack us either in the front or in the
+rear, and giving him no choice of any other operation
+save flank movements. Our plans being thus perfected,
+Captain Villiam Brown, with Company 3, Regiment
+5, was ordered to charge into a wood near at
+hand, with a view to induce some recently-arrived reserve
+Confederacies to take position in our centre,
+while still others would be likely to flank us on the
+right and left.</p>
+
+<p>You may remember, my boy, that it has heretofore
+been our misfortune to fight on the circumference of
+a circle, while the Confederacy had the inside, and
+this great strategic scheme was intended to produce a
+result <i>vice versa</i>.</p>
+
+<p>It was a great success, my boy&mdash;a great success;
+and our troops presently found themselves inside the
+most complete circle on record. Villiam Brown not
+only charged into the wood, but staid there; and
+when one of the Orange County Howitzers was discharged
+with great precision at a reporter who was
+caught sneaking into our lines, the report was heard
+by the Venerable Gammon at Washington, causing
+that revered man to telegraph to all the papers, that
+no one need feel alarmed, as he was perfectly safe, and
+that our victory was very complete.</p>
+
+<p>What particular danger the Venerable Gammon had
+<!--192.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[p. 193]</a></span>
+incurred, I can't say, my boy; nor what he knew
+about the battle; but his dispatch caused renewed
+confidence all over the country, and was a great comfort
+to his friends.</p>
+
+<p>Having got the Confederacies just where he wanted
+them, the General of the Mackerel Brigade now dispatched
+ten veterans under Sergeant O'Pake to attack
+a few hundred foes who had intrenched themselves in
+an unseemly manner right among our wagons. The
+Mackerels were well received as prisoners of war, and
+paroled on the spot; a proceeding which so greatly
+pleased the idolized general, that he at once issued this
+second</p>
+
+
+<p class="centeredtitle">PROCLAMATION.</p>
+
+<p>It must be understood, that in his recent proclamation
+directing the Mackerel Brigade to dine exclusively
+upon Southern Confederacies, the general
+commanding did not intend that such dining should
+take place without the free consent of aforesaid Confederacies.</p>
+
+<p>It must not be understood that the order concerning
+the confiscation of Confederate garments is intended
+to authorize a forcible confiscation of such costume, in
+opposition to the free will of the wearers.</p>
+
+<p>By "no lines of retreat being kept open," is meant:
+no lines of which the general commanding was at that
+time cognizant.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+<span class="smcap">The General of the Mackerel Brigade.</span><br />
+<!--193.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[p. 194]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>This admirable order, my boy, produced great enthusiasm
+in the ranks, as no Confederacies had yet been
+caught, and there was some danger of starvation in the
+<i>corps</i>.</p>
+
+<p>And now, my boy, occurred that magnificent piece
+of generalship which is destined to live forever on the
+annals of fame, and convince the world that our military
+leaders possess a genius eminently fitting every
+one of them for the next Presidency, or any other
+peaceful office. By skillful man&#339;uvring, the gifted
+General of the Mackerel Brigade had succeeded in
+cutting the enemy's force to pieces, the pieces being
+mixed up with our own army. Then came the words:
+"Forward, double-quick!"</p>
+
+<p>Facing toward Washington, our vanguard forced the
+Confederacies before them to move right ahead. Swiftly
+following the vanguard, and evidently fancying
+that it was flying before them, came a regiment of Confederacies.
+Pursuing the latter, as though in triumph,
+appeared the Conic Section, Mackerel Brigade; closely
+succeeded in its turn by a regiment of Confederacies
+in charge of our baggage-wagons; racing after whom
+was a regiment of Mackerels; and so on to the end of
+the line.</p>
+
+<p>You may ask me, my boy, with which side rested
+the victory in this remarkable movement?</p>
+
+<p>That question, my boy, cannot be decided yet, as the
+whole procession has scarcely reached Washington;
+but the answer may be said to depend very much upon
+whether the last regiment coming in is Mackerel or
+Confederate.</p>
+
+<p>The contest, my boy, has assumed a profound metaphysical
+<!--194.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[p. 195]</a></span>
+aspect, and the development of a little more
+military genius on our own side will tend to utterly
+confound our enemies and&mdash;everybody else.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Yours, ponderingly,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<!--195.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[p. 196]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><a name="LETTER_LXVIII" id="LETTER_LXVIII"></a>LETTER LXVIII.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>INTRODUCING ONCE MORE THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB, WITH A CURIOUS
+"LAMENT," AND A STORY FROM THE SPANISH MEMBER.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, September 9th, 1862.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>You may remember, my boy, that some months ago
+there was a trespass of depraved burglarious chaps at
+Wheatland, the seat of Ex-President Buchanan. The
+matter might have slipped my own mind, had not the
+British member of the Cosmopolitan, last night, read
+aloud the following memorandum of the thing, found
+in a deserted Confederate camp on the Rappahannock.
+The Briton waved his hand for silence, and says he:</p>
+
+
+<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 5em">LAMENT.</p>
+
+<p class="poemauthor" style="padding-left: 3em">BY A CHEVALIER D'INDUSTRIE</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">It really seems as if the trick<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Of this here game, secession,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Was bound to bring disgrace upon<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Each wirtuous profession.<br /></span>
+<!--196.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[p. 197]</a></span></div></div>
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The days of chivalry are gone,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">When gentlemen wos plucky,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And sooner'd starve than lower themselves<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To make their swag and lucky.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Why, when I wos a little prig,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And took the junior branches,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We all looked down upon the chap<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That traveled vulgar ranches.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">It wos beneath a gentleman<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To stoop to vulgar stealin's;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And when I see how things is changed,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">It really hurts my feelin's.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">We had some dignity, you see,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And upper circles knew it;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For if a thing wos wicious mean,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">We wos too proud to do it!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The crib that wos respectable<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Among the higher classes,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We cracked in style, like gentlemen.<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And took the spoons and glasses.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">But when a crib wos something low&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">An author's, or a preacher's&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We had too much of self-respect<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To recognize the creatures.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">If taking watches wos the lay,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Or handkerchers, or purses,<br /></span>
+<!--197.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[p. 198]</a></span>
+<span class="i0">We never noticed wulgar nobs,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nor wictims of rewerses.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">But things is changed since Johnny died,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And our profession's fallen<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So werry low, it really ain't<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A gentlemanly callin'.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">There's some as once wos gentlemen<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">When cracksmen's art was balmy,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Now shame us all by fig'ring as<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Contractors for the army!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">What wonder, when our former pal,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A vulgar, sneakin' knave is,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They hang our pictures in a row<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">With Floyd, and Cobb, and Davis?<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">But just as if this wa'n't enough<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To make us hide our faces,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A man we once look'd up to, all,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Must add to our disgraces;<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">A base, degenerate, shameless cove<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Has sullied our profession,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">By stoopin' to a lay that is<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Depraved beyond expression.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">He's activally come and went&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The werry thought's unmannin'&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He's activally gone and robbed<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Ex-President Buchanan!<br /></span>
+<!--198.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[p. 199]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<p>Alas! my boy, there is naught so fallen in humanity,
+but it may become still more depraved. I have
+known members of State Legislatures to be finally
+elected Congressmen. After the above <i>chanson</i> had
+been read, the Spanish member gave us his story of</p>
+
+
+<p class="gentitle">DON BOBADIL BANCO;</p>
+
+<p class="gentitle">OR, WHO OWNS THE BABY?</p>
+
+<p>"I always respect a man who drinks good Port,
+especially if he frequently invites me to take dinner
+with him, and hence I have selected as my hero, a
+gallant Spaniard, whose fondness for the delicious
+juice was never doubted.</p>
+
+<p>"Don Bobadil Banco was a gentleman of good family,
+who graduated with honor at Salamanca, and
+retired from thence to Madrid, in company with a
+fellow student named Don Philip Funesca. The
+erudite pair hired lodgings in an aristocratic part of
+the city, and after much delay, installed one Dame
+Margy as their housekeeper, cook, and chambermaid,
+being resolved to husband their scanty resources
+until, by coming of age, they could inherit
+the estates and fortunes of their fathers.</p>
+
+<p>"It is to be presumed that the friends entered society
+and made consummate fools of themselves, as
+very young men generally do when they first mingle
+with ladies; but as that period of their career can possess
+very little novelty for most people, I shall only
+favor it with this passing notice, and at once introduce
+<!--199.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[p. 200]</a></span>
+the gallant pair as they appeared on the &mdash;&mdash; night,
+in the month of &mdash;&mdash;, in the year of our Lord &mdash;&mdash;, at
+&mdash; o'clock.</p>
+
+<p>"In a very small room, before a very small window,
+was standing a very small table, at the side of which
+were two very shabby chairs, on which were seated
+two very young men; and as it was growing very
+dark, two very small candles, in two very small
+candlesticks, were placed on the very small table, in
+company with two very small decanters, filled with
+very cheap Port, and two very old goblets, of very
+dirty pewter.</p>
+
+<p>"The two very young men remained very still for
+a very long time, save when they made very long applications
+to the very old goblets of very cheap Port;
+and as you must be very anxious to know whether
+these very young men were very ugly or very good
+looking, I shall be very happy to profit by this very
+opportune state of things, and give a very concise description
+of their personal charms.</p>
+
+<p>"Don Bobadil was very tall, very thin, with very
+long black hair, very small black eyes; very yellow
+complexion, very good teeth, and was dressed very
+foppishly.</p>
+
+<p>"Don Philip was very short, very fat, with very long
+brown hair, very large brown eyes, very fair complexion,
+very large mouth, and was plainly attired.</p>
+
+<p>"They both looked very happy, and drank very
+often.</p>
+
+<p>"'Well, Philip,' said Bobadil, at length, 'a bachelor's
+life, in Madrid, is not quite so charming as in
+Salamanca; upon my word I have almost become a
+<!--200.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[p. 201]</a></span>
+limb of society, and it will prove a sad dismemberment
+when I go to my father's villa. These gay senoritas
+have so completely infatuated me, that I am
+never happy out of their company, and when I think
+of leaving them altogether, it makes me really miserable,'
+and the Don consoled himself with a huge swallow
+of wine.</p>
+
+<p>"'I perfectly agree with you,' answered Don Philip,
+'and dread the idea of leaving the dear charmers
+without making one of them a prisoner.'</p>
+
+<p>"'We must have more gold soon,' said Bobadil,
+gloomily, taking a goblet of Port.</p>
+
+<p>"'You speak truly, my friend. Our purses are
+growing very light, and nothing but wealthy wives
+will make them heavy. How unjust is the decree that
+makes us wait until we are older before we can help
+ourselves to the treasures of our families. Here are
+nearly thirty hairs upon my chin, and yet the grim
+old hidalgoes call me a boy yet. Sancta Maria! I
+should like to cross swords with some of those shaking
+grandees, just to convince them that I have the
+strength of a man, if I have not his years.'</p>
+
+<p>"'The wish is perfectly natural, Don Philip, yet it
+can do us no good at present, when our last flagons of
+wine stand before us, and Dame Margy grows clamorous
+for her dues,' said Bobadil, imbibing large draughts
+of grape juice.</p>
+
+<p>"'<i>O, beatissimo, neustra Senora!</i> Don't dwell on
+unpleasant facts, Don Bobadil,' responded the other;
+'we must replenish our treasures, and the means to do
+it should be our present consideration. We must
+marry stores of maravedis.'
+<!--201.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[p. 202]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'That is coming to the point, my dear friend, and
+your words are worthy of a sage; but, my dear
+Philip, to tell the truth, I dread marriage for one reason,
+namely: that, by engaging in it, one becomes
+liable to incur responsibilities known as babies. I do
+hate those noisy little nuisances as I hate the devil,
+and, to have one constantly squalling in my ears,
+would soon make a madman of me,' and our hero
+drank heartily of liquor.</p>
+
+<p>"'I will allow the truth of what you say,' replied
+Philip; 'the cry of an infant is not quite as musical
+as the harp of Orpheus. Still, it is better to endure
+such annoyance than to go about with empty purses,
+and when one who is poor desires to have money, he
+must endure matrimony, or become a rogue. Now
+there is Lisette, ready to fall into my arms at any moment,
+and bring me a long purse; but I will never
+leave you a bachelor, though I starve.'</p>
+
+<p>"Tears arose involuntarily to the eyes of Bobadil,
+as his friend spoke thus disinterestedly, and, after
+holding a cup of wine to his lips for some moments,
+he answered:</p>
+
+<p>"'My dear fellow, you are a sage and I am a fool.
+You shall not starve for me though I have to become
+the father of five hundred little imps to save you.
+Yes, dear Philip, I will sacrifice myself upon the altar
+of friendship, and become a victim of Hymen.' Here
+the emotions of the Spaniard became so violent that
+a large quantity of Port wine was necessary to prevent
+syncope.</p>
+
+<p>"Don Philip started from his seat, and eyed his
+friend with every mark of unbounded surprise.
+<!--202.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[p. 203]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'Can you do it soon?' he asked hurriedly.</p>
+
+<p>"'Before another pair of days have shown their
+tails above the tide of time,' answered Bobadil with
+poetic fervor, having recourse to the decanter containing
+Port.</p>
+
+<p>"'My dear friend, you must be drunk.'</p>
+
+<p>"'No, Don Philip, I am sober as a monument.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Has some fair sonora smiled upon you?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Not only has she smiled upon me, but she has
+actually laughed at me. Port would never intoxicate
+me.'</p>
+
+<p>"'<i>Per Dio!</i> I never heard of this before, Bobadil.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Nevertheless, Don Philip, it is true as a <i>pater</i>.
+My pride would not allow me to mention my case to
+you, until I became successful in my suit; and when
+that was decided, I waited until you should be similarly
+circumstanced, and we might marry together.
+Your frequent absence from our lodgings, at night,
+aroused my suspicions, and I resolved to find out
+your secret before imparting mine. Now that you
+have named your mistress, I will acknowledge that
+I, also, have one, whose name is Leonora, and I intend
+to make her my wife, when you lead Lisette to the
+altar.'</p>
+
+<p>"'I am rejoiced to hear you speak thus,' answered
+Don Philip, 'and Lisette will partake of my joy;
+but, tell me, Bobadil, will you gain wealth by this
+union?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Gold enough to build a second Escurial, my dear
+Philip. Leonora is the daughter of a rich Jew, and
+can show more maravedis than the Infanta of Spain.'
+<!--203.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[p. 204]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'Better and better. But how is it that her father
+will allow her to wed a Catholic?' inquired Philip.</p>
+
+<p>"'He is not to be consulted in the matter at all. I
+may as well relate the circumstances of our acquaintance,
+and you will at once perceive that the Israelite's
+consent is not required. Two weeks ago, I was
+passing a small house not far from the Plaza del Rio,
+and, chancing to look up, beheld the face of a beautiful
+Senora looking from a window. Our glances
+met, whereupon she drew back with a blush, and I
+gallantly kissed the tip of my glove. Although she
+immediately drew shut the lattice, I fancied, from
+her look, that she was not displeased with my conduct,
+and set about finding out who she was. I soon
+ascertained that her father was a rich Jew, named
+Miguel, that his wife was dead, and that he lived with
+his daughter and a wrinkled duenna, whom he had
+enlisted to watch Leonora. Much as I despise Jews,
+the beauty of Leonora had sunk into my heart, and I
+resolved to have an interview with her, though our
+most Holy Church, should excommunicate me for it.
+Accordingly, I passed the house every day for a week,
+and each time the lady withdrew from the window
+with a blush, as I saluted her. This encouraged me
+to scrape acquaintance with the pythoness who guarded
+her, and by means of several small bribes, I was
+at length admitted to a private interview with Leonora.
+My idol was coy at first, but after one or two
+stolen visits, she returned my passion in an honorable
+way, and will become my bride whenever it may
+please me to carry her off from her old thief of a
+father.'
+<!--204.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[p. 205]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'But the Jew has all the gold,' said Don Philip,
+despondingly.</p>
+
+<p>"'Not so,' replied Bobadil. 'My angel has a fortune
+of her own locked up in a trunk, and I shall take
+good care to secure it in the first place.'</p>
+
+<p>"His friend's countenance was lighted by a smile,
+but it passed away as he again spoke&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"'Our priests will never consent to your marriage
+with a Jewess.'</p>
+
+<p>"'What an owl you are,' retorted Don Bobadil;
+'Leonora shall pass for as good a Catholic as the Pope
+himself.'</p>
+
+<p>"'My dear friend, you delight me!' exclaimed Don
+Philip, springing from his seat and embracing Bobadil;
+'let us then make ourselves and our mistresses
+happy at once&mdash;this very night! You can go after
+Leonora while I seek Lisette.'</p>
+
+<p>"Our hero found it necessary to take a drink of
+something after this proposition, and then responded:</p>
+
+<p>"'Spoken like a Spaniard and a gentleman; I will
+go to the house of Miguel and bring the trunk of treasure
+from thence&mdash;that, you know, should be secured
+first. After bringing it hither I will go back after
+Leonora, and when next we meet I shall be a married
+man.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Do so, Don Bobadil,' returned Philip, 'and I will,
+in like manner, gain the fortune and hand of Lisette.
+Let us hasten, my friend, and we shall be independently
+wealthy before morning.'</p>
+
+<p>"Together they drank the remainder of the wine,
+and having given certain orders to Dame Margy, left
+the house, each taking a different route.
+<!--205.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[p. 206]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"It rained in torrents, when my hero wrapped his
+long cloak about him and set out. The tormenting
+drops ran the length of his nose and poured into his
+bosom, they crawled damply down his boots, they
+trickled grievously into his ears, they clung to his long
+black hair, and soaked through his sombrero; yet did
+the brave Spaniard press onward, as a hero advances
+to the breastworks amid a storm of shot and shells.
+Love had cast its thickest blanket about his heart, and
+a flame burned glaringly there that nothing but matrimony
+and maravedis could quench. Arriving in
+front of his mistress's abode, my hero picked up a
+handful of sand, and threw it lightly against a window
+pane, such being the signal by which he was to
+make known his presence when Miguel was at home.
+Almost immediately a lattice was opened, and a woman's
+head, ornamented with a scarlet cap <i>de nuit</i>
+was thrust out.</p>
+
+<p>"'Who's that?' demanded the duenna, snappishly.</p>
+
+<p>"'It's only me,' responded Don Bobadil, in low
+tones.</p>
+
+<p>"'And who's <i>me</i>?' asked the amiable woman.</p>
+
+<p>"'Don Bobadil Banco.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Don Bobadil Banco had better go home, if he
+don't want to have his head broken with a flowerpot,'
+snarled the duenna.</p>
+
+<p>"'Now, my dear Laura.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Don't 'dear' me! Are you drunk?'</p>
+
+<p>"'I must see Donna Leonora,' said Bobadil.</p>
+
+<p>"'You <i>are</i> drunk!' screamed the lady.</p>
+
+<p>"'No, I am not; but, pray, make less noise, my
+good Laura, or you will have the alguazils about my
+<!--206.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[p. 207]</a></span>
+ears. Tell your lady that I am here, and you shall
+have a purse of ducats.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Oh! ah! I will,' replied the mercenary woman,
+retiring quickly from the window and again closing
+the lattice.</p>
+
+<p>"The adventurous Spaniard stood in soak for half an
+hour, at the end of which Dame Laura, cautiously admitted
+him at the door, and he soon knelt before his
+mistress. Donna Leonora was a charming little brunette,
+with raven curls and sparkling black eyes full
+of mirth.</p>
+
+<p>"'Sancta Maria! what is the matter, Don Bobadil?'
+she exclaimed, eyeing the kneeling personage with
+surprise.</p>
+
+<p>"'Dearest Leonora, idol of my heart!' replied Bobadil,
+clasping her waist, 'here on my knees let me implore
+you to become mine forever, and make me happier
+than the angels. Recent events, which I cannot explain
+at present, have rendered it necessary for me to
+thus intrude upon you at an unseasonable hour, and
+implore that your promise to become my bride may be
+at once fulfilled.'</p>
+
+<p>"'But this is so sudden,' murmured the lady.</p>
+
+<p>"'Pardon my haste, dear Leonora,' answered Don
+Bobadil. 'I know how exquisitely sensitive your
+nature is; but heaven destined us for each other, and
+when I leave you, I leave a part of myself.'</p>
+
+<p>"'The gentleman speaks wisely,' interrupted the
+duenna. 'Your father has smoked his opium and will
+sleep until after meridian to-morrow. Go with Don
+Bobadil, Senora, and Miguel shall learn all from me
+when he awakes.'
+<!--207.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[p. 208]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Leonora resisted for awhile; but her objections
+were speedily overcome, and she at length yielded to
+the combined entreaties of her lover, and subtle reasoning
+of her mercenary duenna. Such is love.</p>
+
+<p>"'Here is a load for you, Senor,' said the latter personage,
+pointing to a chest studded with brass nails
+that stood near. 'Carry it off as quickly as possible,
+and return for your mistress when you have placed
+her fortune in a safe place.'</p>
+
+<p>"Our hero at once acceded to plans so consonant
+with his own, and after embracing the Senorita, he
+seized the chest and hastened with it to his lodgings.
+It was a heavy load for one man, and the rain still
+poured furiously down; but the lover danced on like
+a feather before the vagrant zephyrs of spring, and
+soon deposited his precious freight in the room where
+he had lately held converse with Don Philip. This
+done, he hastened back to the house of Don Miguel,
+impatient to secure his fair bride; but Dame Laura
+met him at the door, with her fingers pressed upon
+her lips, and her form barring his further progress.</p>
+
+<p>"'Hist! not a word!' she whispered cautiously.
+'The Jew was aroused by the noise you made descending
+the stairs, and would not be satisfied until
+he had searched the house with a candle in one hand
+and a drawn sword in the other. He is quiet now,
+and if not again disturbed, will soon sleep again. Return
+to your lodgings, and when Miguel slumbers, I
+will hasten thither with my lady. Not a word! Go!'</p>
+
+<p>"Conquering his impatience, Don Bobadil thrust a
+purse of slim proportions into the bony hand of his
+<!--208.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[p. 209]</a></span>
+confidante, and turned into the street without breathing
+a syllable.</p>
+
+<p>"As he ascended the stairs to his own room, the
+sound of voices fell upon his ear, and fearing for the
+safety of his treasure, he rushed headlong into the
+apartment with his sword drawn and a determination
+to slaughter the intruders. His anger was soon turned
+to pleasure, when he beheld Don Philip seated beside
+a very pretty female, whose hands he held in his own,
+and whose ringletted head rested upon his shoulder,
+with an air of familiarity that would have been the
+death of any old maid, whose sight could have been
+blighted by such a scene. He also noticed a chest
+somewhat smaller than the one he had obtained by
+right of seizure, standing near the window, and felt
+doubly happy in the conviction that his friend had
+brought home something more substantial than a wife.</p>
+
+<p>"'Lisette, this is my friend, Don Bobadil Banco,'
+said Don Philip, leading the lady forward and presenting
+her. 'This, Don Bobadil, is my wife, and
+though she has no proud title, I shall be proud to present
+her to my family as one worthy of a gentleman's
+affection.'</p>
+
+<p>"'My dear Philip, allow me to congratulate you
+on the possession of a lady, who, if her virtue equals
+her beauty, must indeed be an angel,' and our hero
+bowed with his accustomed courtesy to the blushing
+Senorita.</p>
+
+<p>"'But where is the mistress, of whom you boasted
+a short time since?' asked Philip, glancing towards
+the door, as though expecting to behold a fourth person.
+<!--209.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[p. 210]</a></span>
+'I supposed that I should find her here with a
+priest.'</p>
+
+<p>"'The Jew took me for a thief, and woke up, or
+Donna Leonora would be here now. But her duenna
+has promised to bring her hither soon and we must
+have patience.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Then take a seat, Don Bobadil, and I will relate
+the manner in which I became possessed of Lisette,
+for I know you are dying to hear it, though your
+pride hides your curiosity. While we were at Salamanca,
+I became acquainted with a poor orphan girl,
+who won my heart by her beauty and virtuous conduct.
+Other students saw and admired her; but their
+admiration was not such as honor sanctioned, and the
+girl left the place, preferring a strange place with quiet,
+to a home in which she was constantly subject to insult
+and annoyance. At the time I knew not the
+reasons for her sudden departure, and it filled me with
+sorrow. I hid my feelings from you, however, fearing
+that your disposition for mirth might lead you to make
+a butt of me. I came hither with you, and beheld
+many fair ladies, but to none did my heart incline, and
+the fair orphan of Salamanca remained mistress of my
+thoughts. About a week after our arrival in Madrid,
+you went to a ball one evening, leaving me to comfort
+Dame Margy until you came back. Not much liking
+such company, I strolled forth to the grand plazza and
+entered a theatre with the crowd. Numerous familiar
+faces appeared in various parts of the building, and
+while I went about to greet my friends, the play was
+commenced. I believe I should not have looked upon
+the stage at all, so busily was I engaged, had not the
+<!--210.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[p. 211]</a></span>
+tones of a voice made me start back in amazement,
+and look wildly toward the performers. Near the
+centre of the stage, clad in the costume of her <i>role</i>,
+and bowing in a flowery train, was a form and face
+that sent the blood hurtling through my veins like
+molten lead. After standing like one petrified for
+some moments, I suddenly quitted the boxes, and
+gained admittance behind the scenes. I had not been
+mistaken; the orphan of Salamanca and the actress of
+Madrid were one. I need not tell an ardent lover like
+yourself the effect of such a meeting; it is sufficient to
+say, that Lisette bade farewell to the stage, whither
+necessity had forced her, and took from thence a liberal
+compensation. Such is the history of my amour,
+Don Bobadil; and, as we each have caskets at hand,
+I propose that we become acquainted with their contents.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Donna Leonora owns the one I brought hither,
+and it may displease her should I open it,' answered
+our hero.</p>
+
+<p>"'Not at all, my friend; she is to be your wife before
+morning, and what belongs to your wife belongs
+equally to you.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Oh! very well,' responded Bobadil.</p>
+
+<p>"'I will display the riches of Lisette first to encourage
+you, and you may follow with the dowry of Senora
+Leonora,' said Don Philip, taking off the lid of the
+second chest.</p>
+
+<p>"Our hero looked on in surprise, as his friend displayed
+its contents, and his pride made him tremble,
+lest his own portion should prove less costly. There
+were gorgeous robes, satin slippers, magnificent ornaments
+<!--211.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[p. 212]</a></span>
+of gold, sparkling brilliants, bracelets, necklaces,
+and brooches, set with rubies, emeralds, and diamonds,
+a tiara sparkling like a constellation of midnight
+stars, and an immense leather bag filled with
+valuable coins.</p>
+
+<p>"'Why, Don Philip, you have all the riches of Indus
+here!' exclaimed Don Bobadil, opening wide his
+eyes in astonishment.</p>
+
+<p>"'So much for your discrimination, Bobadil,' returned
+Philip. 'These robes belong to an actress'
+wardrobe, and are more gaudy than valuable. These
+rubies, emeralds, and diamonds are pieces of colored
+and crystal glass, intended to dazzle unsophisticated
+eyes, but nearly worthless to the jeweler; the gold
+setting is worth its weight in brass, and these coins
+alone are genuine. But let us now look upon your
+dowry, my friend, when, I doubt not, that we shall be
+made to wink by the glitter of pure gems and true
+metal.'</p>
+
+<p>"As Don Bobadil listened to the explanations of
+his friend, his eyes glistened, and at the conclusion
+he walked proudly towards his chest, with a feeling of
+conscious superiority.</p>
+
+<p>"'I will not boast,' he said, haughtily; 'but Jews
+are not overfond of tinsel, and my mistress's robes
+have not a value peculiar to the dimly-lighted stage,'
+so saying, he threw back the cover of his treasure casket.</p>
+
+<p>"A shade of disappointment rested upon his features
+at the first view, but he disdained to give it utterance,
+and carelessly threw aside a robe of cheap material,
+trimmed with imitation ermine. But, alas, the next
+<!--212.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[p. 213]</a></span>
+was a garment of scarlet, with bells attached to the
+skirt; then one of green, with faded tinsel ornaments;
+another of white flannel, with tarnished silver lace stars
+about the waist.</p>
+
+<p>"During this exhibition, Lisette was apparently endeavoring
+to swallow her handkerchief, while Don
+Philip looked anxiously toward the ceiling, as though
+its intricate pattern had suddenly become an object of
+absorbing interest.</p>
+
+<p>"Sternly did Don Bobadil delve into his mine of
+female apparel, expecting soon to strike a vein of monstrous
+diamonds with a mosaic of gold. He reaches
+it at last! Yes, there it is! Mark his glance of pride
+and exultation as he says:</p>
+
+<p>"'Don Philip, will you assist me? The Jew's
+ducats are very heavy, and the bag containing them
+rather larger than a Senora's night-cap.'</p>
+
+<p>"Don Philip did as he was desired, when suddenly
+our hero dropped his end of the bag, with a cry more
+piercing than that of an enraged hyena. Oh shades of
+<i>Mater Money!</i> <i>Por vida del diablo!</i> The bag
+<i>moved</i>, there came a cry, and there appeared in the
+opening of its leather covering <i>the head of a baby</i>!</p>
+
+<p>"'Oh, Holy Virgin! Thunder and lightning! Fire!
+Murder! I'm lost, tormented, tortured, cheated!
+Cruel Leonora! Infamous woman! d&mdash;d old duenna!'
+roared the unhappy Bobadil, stamping and steaming
+like an infuriated tea-pot.</p>
+
+<p>"'Be calm, my dear friend, I pray you be calm,'
+cried Don Philip, vainly endeavoring to conquer his
+mirth, while Lisette rolled on the floor in a paroxysm
+of laughter.
+<!--213.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[p. 214]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'Don't tell me to be calm!' bellowed Bobadil.
+'Look there! My horror, detestation, abhorrence&mdash;<i>a
+baby!</i> Hear it squeal! I'll strangle the cursed little
+fiend! Oh, oh, oh!&mdash;diablo!'</p>
+
+<p>"'You will arouse the neighborhood.'</p>
+
+<p>"'What do I care! I'm betrayed, swindled, ruined,
+seduced! Stab me, shoot me, make a bloody corpse
+of me. Kill that baby, or I'll make your wife an orphan!'</p>
+
+<p>"'What's all this?' asked Dame Margy, darting into
+the apartment and holding up her hands in wild astonishment.</p>
+
+<p>"'Don't you hear it yell?' howled Bobadil, tearing
+out his hair by handfulls. 'It's a baby!'</p>
+
+<p>"Dame Margy came very near fainting, and Lisette
+was obliged to go to her assistance, while Don Philip
+approached his enraged friend and succeeded in soothing
+him.</p>
+
+<p>"'Act like a man,' he said, 'and take measures to
+punish the perpetrator of the infamous outrage. The
+baby is a poor innocent little thing, and Lisette will
+attend to it. Lisette, look after the baby! Now, Don
+Bobadil, repress your emotions.'</p>
+
+<p>"The retired actress obeyed her intended husband
+with alacrity, assisted by Dame Margy, who was fully
+revived, and our hero burst into tears.</p>
+
+<p>"'Oh, Philip!' he blubbered, 'miserable wretch,
+that I am, what shall I do? That infamous woman
+will be here in a moment, and I know not how to act.
+Oh! curse that baby!'</p>
+
+<p>"'Woman's wit shall aid you,' said the hitherto silent
+Lisette, after whispering to Dame Margy, who immediately
+<!--214.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[p. 215]</a></span>
+left the apartment. 'Don Bobadil, you must
+assume the attire of your housekeeper, and leave Philip
+and me to account for your supposed absence, when
+Donna Leonora arrives.'</p>
+
+<p>"As she finished speaking, the old housekeeper returned
+with a promiscuous assortment of female garments,
+and before our hero had time to resist, he presented
+the appearance of a stout old lady.</p>
+
+<p>'Don't speak a word,' said Don Philip, placing an
+immense bonnet and veil upon his head, 'you must
+pass for Dame Margy, and leave me to settle with
+your cruel mistress.'</p>
+
+<p>"Though not quite satisfied with this arrangement,
+Don Bobadil accepted in silence, especially as the
+sound of approaching footsteps fell upon his ear, as
+they tumbled him to a distant seat.</p>
+
+<p>"Dame Margy fled through an opposite door just as
+two figures, deeply veiled, entered the apartment.</p>
+
+<p>"'Holy Virgin! who has rifled my chest? And
+where is Don Bobadil?' exclaimed Leonora, clasping
+her hands.</p>
+
+<p>"'Lady,' said Don Philip, advancing to meet her
+with much dignity, 'as the friend of Don Bobadil
+Banco, it is my duty to inform you that he has discovered
+<span class="smcap">ALL</span>, and left Madrid forever.'</p>
+
+<p>"'All!' exclaimed the lady and duenna in a
+breath.</p>
+
+<p>"'Yes, senora, my friend hates babies!'</p>
+
+<p>"Like two agitated fawns, Leonora and her attendant
+dropped their veils and sprang to the side of the
+chest.
+<!--215.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[p. 216]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'Why!&mdash;what&mdash;who has done this?' exclaimed
+the fair Jewess, quivering like an aspen leaf.</p>
+
+<p>"'You, lady, can best answer that question.'</p>
+
+<p>"'It is false! My whole fortune was in that
+chest! I am cheated, deceived, ruined!'</p>
+
+<p>"'Peace! infamous woman!' thundered Don Bobadil,
+no longer able to restrain his rage, and darting
+toward her. But he stepped upon his skirts, and pitched
+headlong to the floor.</p>
+
+<p>"'Do I dream?' murmured Leonora in affright.</p>
+
+<p>"'You do not,' screamed our hero, tucking his petticoats
+under his arms, and tearing off the veil that
+concealed his face. 'Behold! false one! behold! Don
+Bobadil Banco!'</p>
+
+<p>"'Dear Bobadil, you would not kill me?'</p>
+
+<p>"'No, Leonora, you shall live to repent of this.
+Take that wretched baby to its father, or I will strangle
+it before your eyes.'</p>
+
+<p>"'By the God we all worship, I swear I never saw
+the child before!' exclaimed Leonora, looking solemnly
+upward.</p>
+
+<p>"Her air of truthfulness carried conviction with
+it, and Bobadil stood like one thunderstruck; but
+soon a new expression fell upon his countenance, and
+he turned gravely to the duenna.</p>
+
+<p>"'Perhaps <i>you</i> own the&mdash;the baby!'</p>
+
+<p>"'You're a nasty dirty beast!' retorted the chaste
+creature, rushing from the room like a ricochetting
+shot.</p>
+
+<p>"'I can answer for the innocence of Laura,' said
+Leonora, calmly.</p>
+
+<p>"Rebuked by her dignified manner, our hero mentally
+<!--216.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[p. 217]</a></span>
+exonerated her from all blame; yet there was the
+baby, screaming lustily, and no other valuables were
+found in the chest.</p>
+
+<p>"'Forgive me, if I have wronged you,' he said, penitently,
+'I judged too quickly; but then I took those
+gaudy robes from yonder chest, and&mdash;<i>who owns the
+baby?</i>'</p>
+
+<p>"'I see how it is,' said Donna Leonora composedly,
+turning toward the door, 'you have adopted this plan
+to rob me of the little fortune I possessed. I would
+willingly incur a much greater loss to escape from
+such a monster. Keep my gold, Don Bobadil, and say
+you become a better man.'</p>
+
+<p>"Our hero stood motionless, involved in a maze of
+doubts and fears; and the lady was about departing,
+when Lisette suddenly sprang forward, and prevented
+her.</p>
+
+<p>"'Stop, lady!' she exclaimed, 'the trick has gone
+far enough&mdash;<i>I own the baby!</i>'</p>
+
+<p>"'Lisette speaks truly, and <i>I am the baby's father!</i>'
+said Don Philip, grasping the hand of our perplexed
+hero.</p>
+
+<p>"'Villain!' exclaimed Bobadil, feeling for his
+sword.</p>
+
+<p>"'Wretch!' screamed Leonora, feeling for her
+handkerchief.</p>
+
+<p>"'I humbly crave your mercy, until you have
+heard my story,' replied Don Philip, coolly placing
+his arm about the waist of his Lisette. 'This lady,' he
+continued, 'is my <i>wife</i>, and has been such for two
+years. I have kept my secret thus rigidly, that it
+should not reach the ears of my family until I had arrived
+<!--217.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[p. 218]</a></span>
+at man's estate; but when you determined to
+take a wife I resolved to make you my confidant.
+While you were at the house of Miguel to-night, I
+brought my wife and <i>baby</i> hither, wishing to surprise
+you at your return. I found your chest filled with the
+riches I afterwards showed you as the property of an
+actress, and prompted by a spirit of mirth, I exchanged
+its contents for those of our own. Knowing your hostility
+to babies, I placed the young <i>Bobadil</i> in your
+casket also, and had you taken notice of small things,
+you would have observed that I left the lid partly
+open. It's only a reminiscence of college trickery,
+my dear Bobadil, and if it has given offence, behold the
+culprit at your feet.'</p>
+
+<p>"The friendly smile of his friend and the imploring
+glance of Lisette, completely overcame our hero's
+resentment, and he extended his hand in all gentleness;
+then turning quickly to the silent, though smiling
+Leonora, he fell at her feet, exclaiming:</p>
+
+<p>"'Dear lady, we are both victims of our friend's
+frolic, and there should be no anger between us. I do
+dislike babies so much, that the sight of one makes
+me desperate; but now that all is explained, I hope
+you will forgive me.'</p>
+
+<p>"The lady smiled so encouragingly upon him, that
+he soon stood face to face&mdash;I mean lips to lips&mdash;with
+her.</p>
+
+<p>"'Let us seek a priest,' said Don Philip, with
+solemnity.</p>
+
+<p>"How this proposition was received, may be assumed
+from the fact that Dame Margy soon locked up
+an empty house. How Miguel the Jew conducted
+<!--218.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[p. 219]</a></span>
+when he awoke next morning; how the families of
+our friends received the news of their scions' marriages,
+and how the young gentlemen felt themselves,
+are matters not explained by history; but it is certain
+that Don Bobadil and Don Philip were never again
+in want of ducats, and it is also certain that if any
+one wished to see an angry man, he could be gratified
+by eyeing the youngest Banco in a suspicious manner,
+and asking in mysterious tones&mdash;'<i>Who owns the
+Baby?</i>'"</p>
+
+<div style="padding-top: 1.5em"></div>
+
+<p>At the conclusion of this exemplary Spanish tale,
+my boy, we "adjourned" our slumbers to Willard's.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Yours, drowsily,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr.</span><br /></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<!--219.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[p. 220]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><a name="LETTER_LXIX" id="LETTER_LXIX"></a>LETTER LXIX.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>ILLUSTRATING THE IMPERTURBABLE CALMNESS OF THE NATIONAL
+CAPITOL, AND NOTING THE MEMORABLE INVASION OF ACCOMAC.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Washington</span>, D. C., September 12th, 1862.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>As I sit looking out of my window, my boy, on the
+street below, and notice how tranquilly all things are
+going on here, despite the excitement of the time, a
+deep sense of satisfaction steals over me, and the
+American Eagle of patriotic pride flaps his breezy
+pinions on the oak tree of my heart. Though I have
+just been laughing myself almost sick at the ludicrous
+manner in which my friend, the Confederacy, has
+walked right straight into the cunning trap prepared
+for his destruction by our own noble and profound
+generals, actually hastening his own annihilation by
+rushing blindly through our lines, and capturing the
+twenty or thirty artful villages, towns, and garrisons
+left there for the express purpose of tempting him to
+his dreadful doom&mdash;though I have just been splitting
+my sides over this roaring case of ridiculous suicide,
+my boy, the city of Washington still maintains its
+calmness! Ever conscious that conquer we must, for
+our cause it is just, this city remains as placid as a
+summer dream; nearly all the liquor-shops doing a
+<!--220.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[p. 221]</a></span>
+good business through the day, and the evening finding
+a majority of our army officers at their posts.</p>
+
+<p>Lamp-posts, my boy.</p>
+
+<p>There is something touchingly grand in the calmness
+of Washington under such circumstances, and it
+reminds me of a pleasing little incident in the Sixth
+Ward.</p>
+
+<p>There was a female millinery establishment on the
+third floor of a building composed principally of
+stairs, fed with frequent small rooms, and the expatriated
+French comtesse, who realized fashionable
+bonnets there, used one of her windows to display her
+wares. At this window, my boy, she always kept a
+young woman of much bloom and symmetry, with the
+latest Style on her head, and an expression of unutterable
+smile on her face. A young chap carrying a
+trumpet in the Fire Department happened to notice
+that this angel of fashion was always at the window
+when he went by; and as the thought that she particularly
+admired his personal charms crept over him,
+he at once adopted the plan of passing by every day,
+attired in the garments best calculated to render fire-going
+manhood most beautiful to the eye. He donned
+a vest representing in detail the Sydenham flower-show
+on a yellow ground, wore inexpressibles representing
+innumerable black serpents ascending white columns,
+assumed a neck-tie concentrating all the highest
+glories of the Aurora Borealis, mounted two breast-pins
+and three studs torn from some glass-house, and
+wore a hat that slanted on his head in an engaging
+and intelligent manner. Day after day he passed before
+the millinery establishment, my boy, still beholding
+<!--221.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[p. 222]</a></span>
+the beloved object at the window, and occasionally
+placing his hand upon his heart in such a way as
+to show a large and gorgeous seal-ring containing the
+hair of a fellow-fireman who had caught such a cold at
+a great fire that he died some years after. "How
+cam she is!" says he to himself, "and she's as pretty
+as ninety's new hose-carriage. It seems to me," says
+the young chap to himself, stooping down to roll up
+the other leg of his pants&mdash;"it seems to me that I
+never see anything so cam. She observes my daily
+agoing and yet she don't so much as send somebody
+down to see if there's any overcoats in the front
+entry."</p>
+
+<p>One day, my boy, a venerable Irish gentleman,
+keeping a boarding-house and ice-cream saloon in the
+basement of the establishment, happened to go to sleep
+on the stairs with a lighted camphene lamp in his
+hand, and pretty soon the bells were ringing for a conflagration
+in that district. Immediately our gallant
+firemen were on their way to the spot; and having
+first gone through forty-two streets on the other side
+of the city to wake the people up there and apprise
+them of their great danger, reached the dreadful scene,
+and instantly began to extinguish the flames by bringing
+all the furniture out of a house not more than three
+blocks below. In the midst of these self-sacrificing efforts,
+a form was seen to dart into the burning building
+like a spectre. It was the enamored young chap
+who carried a trumpet in the department. He had
+seen the beloved object sitting at the window, as
+usual, and was bent upon saving her, even though he
+missed the exciting fight around the corner. Reaching
+<!--222.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[p. 223]</a></span>
+the millinery-room door, he could see the object
+standing there in the midst of a sea of fire. "How
+cam she is," says he. "Miss Milliner," says he, "don't
+you see you're all in a blaze?" But still she stood at
+the window in all her calmness. The devoted young
+chap turned to a fellow-fireman who was just then selecting
+two spring bonnets and some ribbon for his
+wife, in order to save them from the flames, and says
+he: "Jakey, what shall I do?" But Jakey was at that
+time picking out some artificial flowers for his youngest
+daughter, my boy, and made no answer. Unable
+to reach the devoted maid, and rendered desperate by
+the thought that she must be asleep in the midst of her
+danger, the frantic young chap madly hurled his trumpet
+at her. It struck her, and actually <i>knocked her
+head off</i>! Horrified at what he had done, the excited
+chap called himself a miserable wretch, and was led
+out by the collar. It was Jakey who did this deed of
+kindness, and says he: "What's the matter with you,
+my covey?" The poor young chap wrung his hands,
+and says he: "I've killed her, Jakey, I've killed her&mdash;and
+she so cam." Jakey took some tobacco, and then
+says he: "Why, that was only a pasteboard gal, you
+poor devil." And so it was, my boy&mdash;so it was; but
+the affair had such an effect upon the young chap that
+he at once took to drinking, and when delirium tremens
+marked him for its own, his last words were:
+"I've killed her, Jakey, I've killed her&mdash;and she so
+cam."</p>
+
+<p>Washington, my boy, is "cam" in the midst of a
+conflagration. That is to say, the Government is
+<!--223.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[p. 224]</a></span>
+"cam," they say; and it may be doubted whether it
+would be otherwise, even with its head knocked off.</p>
+
+<p>The other day, I paid another visit to the Mackerel
+camp across the river, and was present at a meeting
+of officers called to debate upon the propriety of presenting
+a sword to the beloved general, for his heroism
+in the late great battle. Captain Samyule Sa-mith
+was in favor of the presentation, and says he: "Our
+inimitable leader, which is the admiration of everybody,
+richly deserves the blade in question. In the
+thickest of that deadly fray, his coat-tails were torn
+entirely off by a parrot shell."</p>
+
+<p>Captain Villiam Brown placed the bottle on the table
+again, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"At which joint were the tails amputated, Samyule?"</p>
+
+<p>Samyule took a little more sugar with his, and says
+he:</p>
+
+<p>"Close to the buttons."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah!" says Villiam, "which way was the conqueror's
+face turned at the time?"</p>
+
+<p>"I can't say," says Samyule; "but I don't see what
+that has to do with it."</p>
+
+<p>"That's because you have a feeble intelleck, Samyule,"
+says Villiam, mildly. "The human form," says
+Villiam, reasoningly, "has such variations of surface,
+that a projectile hurled at it in a straight line, cannot
+simply graze it to any extent without making a wound
+in some place. The coat-tails of the human form,"
+says Villiam, lucidly, "could not without injury to
+that form be severed at the buttons by a ball, unless
+they were <i>sticking straight out</i> at the instant; and it
+<!--224.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[p. 225]</a></span>
+is important that the United States of America should
+know whether the face of the wearer was turned toward
+the Southern Confederacy, or in an opposite direction,
+at the exact moment of the disaster."</p>
+
+<p>The electrifying wisdom of this thoughtful speech,
+my boy, had the effect to produce an immediate adjournment
+of the general's friends; for when the test
+of anatomy is applied to a man's bravery, that bravery
+becomes a mere matter of form.</p>
+
+<p>The general, my boy, is the idol of his Mackerel
+children, and as our armies slowly advance to deal the
+death-blow to this impious rebellion, it will be proved
+that he was not responsible for a single one of the mistakes
+he has made, and could have taken Richmond
+long ago, but for his inability to do so. Heaven forgive
+these Jacobin black-republicans who object to his
+being President in 1865! This is the prayer of twenty
+millions of free white men under the Constitution, as
+was very justly observed to me by a political chap
+from New Haven last week. On Tuesday, the Mackerel
+Brigade was on the outskirts of Accomac&mdash;Company
+3, Regiment 1, being sent ahead, under Colonel
+Wobert Wobinson, to watch the movements of some
+regiments of Confederacies, who were believed to be
+either there or in South Carolina. The advance-guard
+stayed there two days, my boy, and then an orderly
+came riding in to the general, with the request that
+he would immediately send re-enforcements and provisions,
+as Company 3, Regiment 1, was in danger of
+starvation and defeat, at short notice.</p>
+
+<p>The general ceased fanning himself for a moment,
+and says he to the perspiring orderly:
+<!--225.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[p. 226]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"I have heard your request, my child; but before I
+comply with it, I wish to know what is the present
+political complexion of Colonel Wobinson."</p>
+
+<p>The half-starved orderly clasped his thin hands together,
+and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know; but for God's sake, general, send us
+something to eat, and some help, or not one of us can
+be saved."</p>
+
+<p>The general waved his hand magisterially, and says
+he:</p>
+
+<p>"That's very true. But I must first know what are
+the sentiments of Colonel Wobinson on the negro
+question."</p>
+
+<p>The orderly might have responded, my boy, had he
+not fainted just then from weakness. In pity for his
+comrades, orders were at once given for the transportation
+of provisions, and re-enforcements to Company 3
+before the end of the month; and had the before mentioned
+Confederacies delayed marching into Accomac
+until that time, I should not be obliged now to chronicle
+another of those disasters to our arms, which the
+traitorous harangues of Wendell Philips have so outrageously
+produced.</p>
+
+<p>If this war is to be prosecuted with vigor, my boy, we
+must repose unlimited confidence in the ability of the
+Administration and of our generals, resolutely frowning
+down all Jacobin demonstrations at home, and suffering
+our leaders to be interfered with by no one but
+each other. If we permit civilians to manage matters,
+the country will be undone; but if, on the contrary,
+we trust everything to our generals, the country will
+be "done"&mdash;brown.
+<!--226.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[p. 227]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Luckily for us all, the occupation of Accomac by the
+celebrated Southern Confederacy, is a part of the
+great plan of the General of the Mackerel Brigade to
+end this rebellion in one crushing blow, and as soon as
+the entire Confederacy shall have entered Accomac in
+safety, the Mackerel Brigade will proceed to bag it.</p>
+
+<p>You don't see exactly how this is to be done, eh?</p>
+
+<p>There you go again, my boy! always meddling with
+what you don't understand, and presuming, in your
+civilian imbecility, to doubt the practicability&mdash;not to
+say the utility&mdash;of a covert invincibility, rendering it
+a futility on the part of Southern agility to take for
+weak debility what is really strategic facility, and
+bound, in its great fertility of warlike inventibility
+and utter reliability, to turn all the foe's agility to a
+final accountability, that shall cause him, in future
+humility, to treat us, at least, with civility.</p>
+
+<p>Such, my boy, is the Mackerel plan, to a T.</p>
+
+<p>This strategy's like some plan for grain depending
+so much on a fall of rain, that, in less than a week,
+should the drought remain, 'twould ruin it altogether.
+It pondereth blindly whether or no the opposite hosts
+will do so-and-so: and how it will end at last, you
+know, dependeth upon the "whether".</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Yours, calmly,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<!--227.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[p. 228]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><a name="LETTER_LXX" id="LETTER_LXX"></a>LETTER LXX.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>COMMENCING WITH HISTORICAL REFERENCE; RELATING THE EPISODE
+OF SPURIOSO GRIMALDI, AND DETAILING THE LAMENTABLE
+FAILURE OF CAPTAIN SAMYULE SA-MITH TO PERISH HEROICALLY.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, September 20, 1862.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>I am in a star-spangled state of mind, my boy, in
+consequence of our recent great victories, and would
+most respectfully request the Governors of all the
+States to push forward re enforcements immediately.
+Having rashly ventured into Accomac after forage
+and the pursuit of happiness, the well-known Southern
+Confederacy is now hemmed-in with much carnage,
+and finds itself hem'd and haw'd. The South,
+the South, we love her still, no love than ours profounder;
+and, having cornered her at last, we've
+thrown our arms around her.</p>
+
+<p>Let us rejoice together, my boy, over the victory
+that has brought new lustre to our flag, and proceed to
+extract from history a few parallels calculated to indicate
+that the United States of America are somewhat
+superior to the ancients in the art of war.</p>
+
+<p>At the battle of Thermopyl&aelig; the heroic Greeks engaged
+in the conflict with their foes to the number of
+some thousands, and as their foes also prosecuted hostilities
+<!--228.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[p. 229]</a></span>
+simultaneously, the result was a struggle terminating
+in the discomfiture of the defeated party.
+<i>Omnium vincit omnia.</i> At the siege of Troy, the Trojans
+became involved in active warfare with the
+Greeks, the latter being the adversaries of their opponents,
+and though either side used their weapons
+against the other side, victory finally perched upon
+the banners of the conqueror, and produced the general
+effect of <i>sic transit gloria mundi</i>. The Troy <i>Tribune</i>
+suppressed all mention of McClellan in its account
+of this spirited affair. The dreadful struggle of
+Argentium was commenced by the attack of one host
+upon its antagonists, and raged bitterly, until a cessation
+of hostilities found the victors holding an advantage
+over the defeated. Burnside's division was not
+engaged. In the awful affair of Roncesvalles, the
+myrmidons of Charlemagne and the hirelings of Spain
+committed a breach of the peace by prosecuting a
+mutual affray, resulting in the overthrow of the legions
+which were principally overcome, and an advantage
+for the brigades chiefly entitled to the victory. <i>Nihil
+est nullus.</i></p>
+
+<p>It will be perceived, my boy, that the army of the
+Potomac was engaged in none of those celebrated
+contests, as they did not all take place in the same
+week. We make much better time, my boy, than the
+ancients.</p>
+
+<p>I told you in my last, that the celebrated Southern
+Confederacy had courted inevitable destruction by
+marching madly into Accomac at the very moment
+when the victorious Mackerel Brigade was marching
+out&mdash;and before I proceed further with the tale of invasion,
+<!--229.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[p. 230]</a></span>
+I must pause to relate the strange episode of
+Spurioso Grimaldi.</p>
+
+<p>Spurioso Grimaldi, my boy, superintended the emigration
+from Italy to this country of a hand-organ
+that was banished for playing revolutionary tunes
+some time ago, and on arriving upon our shores proceeded
+immediately to don a red shirt, and plan revolutions
+for the coming fall and winter seasons. Upon
+the breaking out of the war he enlisted three volunteers
+under his banner from the chorus of the Academy
+of Music; but it was not until the recent occupation
+of Accomac that he attempted to put his first revolutionary
+scheme into operation. Then, indeed, he
+armed his three divisions with three George Law
+muskets, and having gained the borders of suffering
+Accomac, he issued the following:</p>
+
+
+<p class="gentitle">PROCLAMATION.</p>
+
+<p>Accomackians! How are you to day? This is, indeed,
+a pleasant morning, and the crops look well.
+Accomackians, arise! For years you have been the
+terror of all strangers stopping at your hotels. The
+accommodations you offer, taken into consideration
+with the prices you charge, are sufficient to appal the
+world! Arise! Remember Waterloo, and Wagram,
+and Bull Run, and other battles in which you took no
+active part. Now! Right away! Hey?</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+<span class="smcap">Grimaldi.</span><br />
+<!--230.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[p. 231]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>As the Union element still lives in Accomac, my
+boy, and wishes nothing done to disturb the neighborhood,
+he could not but deem Mr. Grimaldi's movement
+ill advised, and issued the following responsive</p>
+
+
+<p class="gentitle">PROCLAMATION.</p>
+
+<p>S. Grimaldi, at the head of an army of three equipped
+and disciplined troops, calls the Accomackians to
+arms. This is scarcely the time for such a call, and
+the army of liberation is scarcely adequate to the enterprise
+proposed. Some disaster might occur should
+an army of three equipped and disciplined troops attack
+a force of twenty thousand, under Stonewall
+Jackson, at this present crisis. Therefore, let Accomac
+rest in peace, and continue to keep a hotel.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+<span class="smcap">Union L. Lament.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>These proceedings caused great excitement down at
+Paris and London, my boy, and the excellent and independent
+journals of those places proceeded at once
+to publish several yards of profound editorial on the
+probable convulsion of the earth's surface, in consequence
+of S. Grimaldi's revolutionary proceedings.</p>
+
+<p>"The entire habitable universe," said the Paris <i>Pitcher</i>,
+"appears on the verge of terrible upheavings,
+and the army of S. Grimaldi seems destined to work
+an entire change in the economy of the creation, and
+oblige the North and South Poles to change places
+permanently."
+<!--231.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[p. 232]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Not to be outdone, the London <i>Tumbler</i> issued an
+extra, composed entirely of auction advertisements
+and an excited editorial: "The black cloud so long
+brooding over the shrinking countenance of upturned
+nature seems at length prepared to vomit its horrid
+flames over the entire surface of animated humanity.
+S. Grimaldi, who is now marching on Accomac, is not
+unlikely to prove the instrument of this earth-rending
+explosion. The unholy American rebellion dwindles
+to insignificant nothingness in comparison with this
+terrible affair."</p>
+
+<p>So Grimaldi marshaled his three divisions, my boy,
+and having marched upon Accomac, was promptly arrested
+by the police and incarcerated to await an examination.
+So much for the episode of Spurioso Grimaldi.</p>
+
+<p>Turning from events which have a deeper interest
+for Europe than for our own victorious but distracted
+country, let me cheer and improve your mind, my
+boy, with some account of the recent glorious victories
+around Accomac, wherein the fearless and unwounded
+Mackerel Brigade acquired another coat of
+glory, making the third this season.</p>
+
+<p>It was Tuesday morn, when Captain Samyule Sa-mith
+of the advance guard, having satisfied himself
+that the Brigade was about to achieve its crowning
+victory, concluded that the time for expiring after the
+manner of General Wolfe at Quebec had arrived at
+last. The battle had already commenced, my boy,
+and a squad of evil-minded Confederacies were in full
+retreat after the Mackerel pickets, when Samyule
+hastily fell upon his back, and beckoned for the artist
+<!--232.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[p. 233]</a></span>
+of Frank Leslie's Illustrated paper, motioned for the
+nearest reporter to take out his note-book, drew a lock
+of red hair from his bosom and kissed it, waved his
+left hand feebly toward his country's standard, and,
+says he: "<i>T&eacute;te d'Arm&eacute;e!</i> I die for the old fla&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Stop!" shrieked a Mackerel, dashing frantically
+to his side at this instant. "The Anatomical Cavalry,
+which is ordered to charge the foe, wishes to know if
+it shall take its horses along."</p>
+
+<p>Up sprang Samyule, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"Tell the horsemen to take everything but their
+trunks with them, and not to stay more than a week.
+I really believe," says Samyule in a great passion&mdash;"I
+really believe the artillery will be wanting to know
+next if they'd better load before firing."</p>
+
+<p>Just at this time, my boy, the Conic Section of the
+Mackerel Brigade, under Captain Villiam Brown,
+came charging toward the spot with fixed bayonets,
+their gallant leader waving his sword, Escalibar, over
+his head, and calling on his troops to lead on to victory.
+Forward they went like mad, rushing past us
+in swift fury, and composing the heaviest visitation of
+red noses ever yet launched upon a foe. To be sure,
+no foe was visible in the immediate line of their
+charge; but as they happened to be going down a
+pretty steep hill at the time, it was quite possible that
+they might meet some adversaries before they could
+stop themselves.</p>
+
+<p>Fired by the sight, Captain Samyule Sa-mith flew
+to take command of a company of Mackerels, who
+were busily firing their muskets at some Confederacies
+not more than two miles distant; and having placed
+<!--233.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[p. 234]</a></span>
+himself at the head thereof, was about to proceed in
+pursuit of warlike adventures, when he caught sight
+of a body of men, followed by another body of men,
+moving along in the valley below him.</p>
+
+<p>"Hem!" says Samyule, ponderingly, "what is this
+sight mine eyes behold?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh," says a sergeant beside him, "that's the No.
+3 army of the Confederacy, escorting some prisoners
+which they have just taken at Harper's Ferry."</p>
+
+<p>Samyule regarded the spectacle attentively for a
+moment, and says he: "Well, there's only one thing
+more I want to know about it. I want to know," says
+Samyule thoughtfully, "which of them two bodies of
+infantry is the army, and which is the prisoners?"</p>
+
+<p>Was there the tiniest, wee-ist, smallest fragment of
+sarcasm in his speech? Find out for yourself, my
+boy&mdash;find out for yourself.</p>
+
+<p>It was shortly after this remark, and while the
+Orange County Howitzers were raining a tempest of
+shot and shell at everything but the enemy, that a
+small bit of shrapnell fell near Samyule's feet, and
+again reminded him of his latter end. Noting that
+he was observed by those around him, my boy, and
+that the surroundings of the scene were picturesque,
+he uttered a hollow groan and fell prone to the earth.
+Then picking up the bit of shrapnell, and laying it
+upon his heart, he kicked once, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"Is it almost morning, mother? Hurra for the old
+fla&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Forward with Company 2, immediately," thundered
+a messenger who at this moment came tearing
+<!--234.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[p. 235]</a></span>
+to the spot. "The Confederacy has flanked the Conic
+Section, and is trying to escape."</p>
+
+<p>Preferring to defer death itself rather than see his
+beloved country outwitted by the rebels, Captain
+Samyule Sa-mith darted swiftly to his feet at the word,
+and instantaneously led Company 2 down the hill at
+double-quick. I followed him half-way, my boy, and
+then turned off into a cross road, where I found Captain
+Villiam Brown striving to get a portion of the
+devoted Conic Section into a straight line by ranging
+it against a fence. Villiam ceased his labors when he
+saw me approaching, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"Here's conquering beings for you. Ah!" says
+Villiam, proudly, "I sent these invincible beings on
+a bayonet charge just now, and they have all come
+back without their muskets."</p>
+
+<p>"What did they do with them?" says I.</p>
+
+<p>"Left them sticking in the foe," says Villiam, exultingly.</p>
+
+<p>"Are you sure of that, my Alcibiades?" says I,
+skeptically.</p>
+
+<p>"Why," says Villiam, confidentially, "they didn't
+bring a single one back with them, and of course they
+must have left them sticking into the paralyzed Confederacies."</p>
+
+<p>If Villiam could draw a checque as easily as he can
+draw an inference, my boy, he might paper the outside
+of the universe with ten dollar bills and have
+enough fifties left to make a very deep border.</p>
+
+<p>Leaving the decimated <i>corps</i> to reorganize, I hastened
+down the hill again, and arrived at the bottom
+only to find a group of reporters and Mackerels
+<!--235.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[p. 236]</a></span>
+surrounding a manly prostrate form. Company 2 had
+just succeeded in routing some Confederacies from a
+melon-patch, and Captain Samyule Sa-mith was improving
+the opportunity to expire once more in an
+affecting manner.</p>
+
+<p>Lifting his feeble head when he saw me, and pulling
+a small flag a little further out of a side-pocket in his
+coat, the perishing warrior smiled half way down his
+chin, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"I still live! All hail to the old fla&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"One moment, if you please!" shouted Colonel
+Wobert Wobinson, breaking through the group.&mdash;"Could
+you make it convenient to pay me that dollar
+you owe me, Samyule?"</p>
+
+<p>Samyule arose deliberately to his feet again, my
+boy, wearing upon his countenance the most awful
+expression I ever saw upon a human face.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," says Samyule, furiously, "I've tried to die
+for my country three times to-day, and never got
+further than the old fla&mdash;! There is such vulgarity
+in them which incessantly surrounds me," says Samyule,
+bitterly, "that they won't even let me die in
+peace."</p>
+
+<p>Here a Mackerel chap sniffed differentially, and
+says he: "But you was trying to die in war, capting."</p>
+
+<p>There was something so inhuman in the idea of a
+man making a joke on such a serious occasion, as that,
+my boy, that the entire party was struck dumb with
+horror; and one of the spectators retired precipitately
+behind a tree, where I immediately heard him laughing
+wildly with joy over the thought that it was not
+<!--236.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[p. 237]</a></span>
+himself who had been guilty of such a hideous
+enormity.</p>
+
+<p>It would be useless for me to spend more time in
+showing how the battle raged to a victorious conclusion,
+leaving the Mackerel Brigade in triumphant
+possession of the ground it occupied at the outset, and
+the Confederacy rooted to the spot it held from the
+commencement.</p>
+
+<p>Scarcely had the strife been finished half an hour,
+when the popular General of the Mackerel Brigade
+arrived to direct all the movements in person, and to
+gain some knowledge of the victories he had just won.
+Accompanying him was the political chap from New
+Haven, who at once proceeded to congratulate the
+troops and address them on the subject of the next
+election.</p>
+
+<p>"My brothers in arms," says he, with fond familiarity,
+"having done our duty as patriots, let us proceed
+to ballot for President of the United States in 1865.
+Need I say that our victorious general is the man?"</p>
+
+<p>Truly, my boy, we shall have little difficulty in
+selecting a chief magistrate next term, when there is
+such a General longing for the nomination.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Yours, politically,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr.</span><br /></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<!--237.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[p. 238]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><a name="LETTER_LXXI" id="LETTER_LXXI"></a>LETTER LXXI.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>SHOWING HOW THE PRESIDENT AND THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL
+BRIGADE ISSUED GREAT EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATIONS,
+AND HOW THE CHAPLAIN WROTE A RADICAL POEM.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, September 27th, 1862.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>"John Brown's body," which has been "marching
+on" for some time past, my boy, being thus considerably
+in advance of our strictly Constitutional Army,
+has at length made a great strategic movement, and
+evoked the following promissory note from our Honest
+Old Abe:</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+<span class="smcap">Colorless Domicil</span>, Sept. 22d, 1862.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>"Ninety days after date I promise to pay the Southern
+Confederacy, or order, the full amount of its deserts.</p>
+
+<p>
+"$ <i>Emancipation.</i>
+</p>
+
+<p class="right"><span class="smcap">H. O. Abe.</span></p>
+
+<p>The morning after this little settlement was made,
+my boy, I met the conservative Kentucky chap on
+Pennsylvania avenue, and was greatly edified by his
+high-minded remarks on the subject. "Having recently
+disposed of any attached contrabands to good
+<!--238.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[p. 239]</a></span>
+advantage," says he, sagely, "I am now deeply convinced
+that my brother-in-law, the Southern Confederacy,
+has brought this dispensation upon himself. I
+have said all along that it would be so at last," says
+the genial Kentucky chap, casting another glance at
+the score of a recent game of Euchre which he held
+in his hand. "I have said all along that it would be
+so at last, and I am still disposed to sustain the Administration
+and crush the Black Republicans."</p>
+
+<p>When I remembered the sentiments held by this
+accommodating chap only about a week ago, my boy,
+I could not but feel that he had made a remarkably
+sudden revolution on the axes he had to grind; and
+as there was a pleasing spice of human audacity in his
+easy way of suiting his style to the political demands
+of the moment, I was strongly reminded of a chap I
+once knew in the Sixth Ward.</p>
+
+<p>He was a young chap of gorgeous vest-pattern, and
+one Sunday afternoon he went out riding with another
+sprightly young chap, who was accompanied by his
+plighted pink bonnet. They were riding joyously
+along in their hired vehicle, my boy, pleasantly discussing
+the merits of Eighty's new foreman, and other
+subjects equally well calculated to entertain and improve
+the fond female mind, when, as they turned a
+sharp corner, there loomed up, at some distance ahead,
+a house bearing a sign reading:</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+FEED STORE<br />
+<br />
+OATS FOR  SALE  HERE.<br />
+<!--239.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[p. 240]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>No sooner did the spirited livery-horse observe this
+dangerous sign, my boy, than he dashed toward it in
+a manner worthy of my own gothic steed, the architectural
+Pegasus; and as there happened to be a few
+stones in the way, the two chaps and the pink bonnet
+were presently shot into the surrounding atmosphere
+without regard to the character of the day. While the
+excited quadruped went on with the two fore-wheels
+of the vehicle for the purpose of reading the sign
+nearer by, the chap of the gorgeous vest-pattern announced
+his safe arrival in a sand-bank by the appropriate
+and cheery cry of "Fire! fire! fire!" and the
+other chap and the pink bonnet warbled hasty thanksgivings
+in the bosom of a romantic ditch. How they
+finally caught the spirited livery horse, and induced
+him to come back to the city again by making a copy
+of the sign on a bit of paper, and placing it in his
+mouth, and how they ultimately reached home, you
+must imagine. But in about a week after, the unnatural
+livery-stable keeper brought suit against the smitten
+chap for the two hind-wheels of his wagon; and
+when the young chap of gorgeous vest-pattern was
+put upon the stand to prove that the catastrophe was
+not the driver's fault, he winked agreeably at the people,
+and says he: "My friend and assoshate exerted
+hisself visibly to subdue the fiery old oat-mill. As it
+was, his brains was nearly dashed out, his neck-tie was
+sprained, and he <i>found his watch wound up</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Here the livery lawyer thought he had the friendly
+chap in a tight place, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"You say that by being thrown from the wagon so
+violently, the defendant's watch was wound up. Perhaps
+<!--240.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[p. 241]</a></span>
+you will inform the court how such a strange
+phenomenon <i>could</i> occur?"</p>
+
+<p>The young chap merely paused long enough to
+make another desperate attempt to reconcile the bottom-edge
+of his waistcoat to the top-edge of his inexpressibles,
+and says he, with a fine smile:</p>
+
+<p>"Why, it was easy enough for his watch to be
+wound up by it, my covey; because <i>he turned three
+times in the air before he lit</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Accommodating conservative chaps, my boy, though
+momentarily thrown out of their reckoning, by reason
+of sudden proceedings caused by the latest signs of
+the times, have a happy aptitude for turning-about as
+often as may seem necessary, before alighting on a
+fixed principle.</p>
+
+<p>The Mackerel chaplain, who came up from Harper's
+Ferry on Monday afternoon, was delighted with H. O.
+Abe's promissory note, and considers that old John
+Brown is at last</p>
+
+
+<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 6em">AVENGED.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">God's scales of Justice hang between<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The deed Unjust and the end Unseen,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the sparrow's fall in the one is weighed<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">By the Lord's own Hand in the other laid.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">In the prairie path to our Sun-set gate,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In the flow'ring heart of a new-born State,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Are the hopes of an old man's waning years,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Neath headstones worn by an old man's tears.<br /></span>
+<!--241.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[p. 242]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">When the bright sun sinks in the rose-lipped West,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His last red ray is the headstone's crest;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the mounds he laves in a crimson flood<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Are a Soldier's wealth baptized in blood!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Do ye ask who reared those headstones there,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And crowned with thorns a sire's gray hair?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And by whom the Land's great debt was paid<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To the Soldier old, in the graves they made?<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Shrink, Pity! shrink, at the question dire;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And, Honor, burn in a blush of fire!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Turn, Angel, turn from the page thine eyes,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or the Sin, once written, never dies!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">They were men of the Land he had fought to save<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">From a foreign foe that had crossed the wave,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When his sun-lit youth was a martial song,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And shook a throne as it swelled along.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">They were sons of the clime whose soft, warm breath<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Is the soul of earth, and a life in death;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Where the Summer dreams on the couch of Spring,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the songs of birds through the whole year ring;<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Where the falling leaf is the cup that grew<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To catch the gems of the new leaf's dew,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the winds that through the vine-leaves creep<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Are the sighs of Time in a pleasant sleep.<br /></span>
+<!--242.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[p. 243]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">But there lurked a taint in the clime so blest,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Like a serpent coiled in a ring-dove's nest,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the human sounds to the ear it gave<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Were the clank of chains on a low-browed Slave!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The Soldier old at his sentry-post,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Where the sun's last trail of light is lost,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Beheld the shame of the Land he loved,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the old, old love in his bosom moved.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">He cried to the land, Beware! Beware<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of the symboled Curse in the Bondman there!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And a prophet's soul in fire came down<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To live in the voice of old John Brown.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">He cried; and the ingrate answer came<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In words of steel from a tongue of flame;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They dyed his hearth in the blood of kin,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And his dear ones fell for the Nation's Sin!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">O, matchless deed! that a fiend might scorn,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">O, deed of shame! for a world to mourn;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A Soldier's pay in his blood most dear,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And a land to mock at a Father's tear!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Is't strange that the tranquil soul of age<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Was turned to strife in a madman's rage?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Is't strange that the cry of blood did seem<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Like the roll of drums in a martial dream?<br /></span>
+<!--243.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[p. 244]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Is't strange the clank of the Helot's chain<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Should drive the Wrong to the old man's brain,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To fire his heart with a santon's zeal,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And mate his arm to the Soldier's steel?<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The bane of Wrong to its depth had gone,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the sword of Right from its sheath was drawn;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But the cabined Slave heard not his cry,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the old man armed him but to die.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Ye may call him Mad, that he did not quail<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When his stout blade broke on the unblest mail;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Ye may call him Mad, that he struck alone,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And made the land's dark Curse his own;<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">But the Eye of God looked down and saw<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A just life lost by an unjust law;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And black was the day with God's own frown<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When the Southern Cross was a martyr's Crown!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Apostate clime! the blood then shed,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Fell thick with vengeance on thy head,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To weigh it down 'neath the coming rod<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When thy red right hand should be stretched to God.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Behold the price of the life ye took;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">At the death ye gave 'twas a world that shook;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the despot deed that one heart broke,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">From their slavish sleep a Million woke!<br /></span>
+<!--244.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[p. 245]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Not all alone did the victim fall,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Whose wrongs first brought him to your thrall;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The old man played a Nation's part,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And ye struck your blow at a Nation's heart!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The freemen-host is at your door,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And a Voice goes forth with a stern "No More!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To the deadly Curse, whose swift redeem<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Was the visioned thought of John Brown's dream.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">To the Country's Wrong, and the Country's stain,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It shall prove as the scythe to the yielding grain;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the dauntless pow'r to spread it forth,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Is the free-born soul of the chainless North.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">From the East, and West, and North they come,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To the bugle's call and the roll of drum;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And a form walks viewless by their side&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A form that was born when the Old Man died!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The Soldier old in his grave may rest,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Afar with his dead in the prairie West;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But a red ray falls on the headstone there,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Like a God's reply to a Soldier's pray'r.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">He may sleep in peace 'neath the greenwood pall,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For the land's great heart hath heard his call;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And a people's Will and a people's Might,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Shall right the Wrong and proclaim the Right.<br /></span>
+<!--245.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[p. 246]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The foe may howl at the fiat just,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And gnash his fangs in the trodden dust;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But the battle leaves his bark a wreck,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the Freeman's heel is on his neck.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Not all in vain is the lesson taught,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That a great soul's Dream is the world's New Thought;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the Scaffold marked with a death sublime<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Is the Throne ordained for the coming time.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>The chaplain runs as naturally to poetry, my boy,
+as a water-melon does to seed, and his muse is apt to
+be&mdash;alas! what a melancholy one!</p>
+
+<p>In my last epistle, I was somewhat hyperbolical
+when I meant to be metaphorical, as some of the older
+writers were allegorical when they meant to be categorical.
+I told you, my boy, that we had cornered the
+prudish Confederacy in Accomac, and "thrown our
+arms around her." Your natural ignorance will demand
+an explanation; and I deem it fit to say, that
+by the phrase "thrown our arms around her," I meant
+to say that certain Mackerel regiments, in furtherance
+of the profound strategy of the General of the Mackerel
+Brigade, had thrown their arms away, on every
+side of the entrapped Confederacy. It was believed
+that the Confederacy was perfectly safe for immediate
+capture, my boy; but upon the discovery that
+the fords of Allkwyet River, in the rear of Accomac,
+where the Confederacy could cross, were adjoining
+each other, and extended from the source of the river
+<!--246.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[p. 247]</a></span>
+to its mouth, it was deemed proper to let the Confederacy
+court further ruination by retiring in that
+direction. Hence, whilst the watchful Conic section
+took a brief nap, the Anatomical Cavalry was sent
+rapidly in front of the disgracefully retreating Confederacy
+to clear the road for it to the river, and
+then telegraph the news of the great victory to all the
+excellent morning journals.</p>
+
+<p>It was another splendid stroke of profound strategy,
+my boy, and would have crowned the idolized General
+of the Mackerel Brigade with new laurels, had
+he not been too bashfully modest to understand it
+himself.</p>
+
+<p>Finding, however, that it seemed to be better than
+something worse, he told his staff a small story to
+clear his throat, and then unfurled the following</p>
+
+
+<p class="gentitle">PROCLAMATION.</p>
+
+<p>I, the General of the Mackerel Brigade, next President
+of the United States of America, and Commander-in-Chief
+of the Mackerel Army and superior improved
+iron-plated squadron, do hereby swear, that on
+this occasion, as in a previous instance, the war will
+be prosecuted for the object of practically maintaining
+the Constitution forever destroyed, and restoring
+friendly relations between the sections and States inexorably
+alienated; that it is my practical purpose to
+suggest, at the next orderly meeting of the Mackerel
+Brigade, a practical offer of pecuniary compensation
+for the slaves of the so-called Border States which
+have refrained, through patriotic fear, from waging
+<!--247.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[p. 248]</a></span>
+unnatural hostilities with the United States of America
+and my practical self. Gradual Emancipation
+having thus set in, as far as those States are concerned,
+either voluntarily, or by virtue of a superior discretion,
+persons of African descent will again be privileged,
+or voluntarily compelled to colonize in Nova
+Zembla, where bear hunting is still in full bloom;
+that on the first day of April, in the year of our Lord
+one thousand eight hundred and sixty-three, all persons
+held as slaves by what is then known as the ruins
+of the Southern Confederacy, shall be then, thence,
+thenceforward and forever free, if they choose to consider
+themselves so, and are able to achieve their independence;
+that on the aforesaid first of April, the
+General of the Mackerel Brigade will designate the
+States, or parts of States, which have rendered this
+proclamation nugatory, by returning involuntarily,
+and by force of our arms, to their allegiance, inviting
+them to elect members of Congress, boarders at
+Willard's and Senators as usual, the same as though
+their somewhat-prolonged rebellion against the United
+States of America had been a rather meritorious arrangement,
+entitling them to more than ordinary consideration.</p>
+
+<p>And I do hereby respectfully request all officers to
+refrain in future from paying the traveling expenses
+of persons of African descent sent by them to their
+revolted masters after a term of trench service, as
+there don't appear to be any common-sense in such
+expenditure.</p>
+
+<p>And the General of the Mackerel Brigade will further
+recommend, that all citizens of the United States
+<!--248.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[p. 249]</a></span>
+remaining loyal now, or who may become loyal, voluntarily
+or otherwise, at any period of the world's history,
+be fully compensated for all losses sustained by
+the United States, including the loss of memory or
+eye sight.</p>
+
+<p>In witness whereof, behold the signature and seal
+of the</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+<span class="smcap">General of the Mackerel Brigade.</span><br />
+(Green Seal.)<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>While I am compelled to admit, my boy, that I do
+not exactly understand by what authority the General
+of the Mackerel Brigade is empowered to issue this
+Proclamation; and that some of its clauses&mdash;particularly
+the last&mdash;strike me as being somewhat muddled,
+I yet regard it as at least a faint evidence that the tremendous
+farce in which we have so long been playing
+such bloody parts is at last coming to an end.</p>
+
+<p>And since the farce seems drawing to a close, perhaps
+your farcical Orpheus C. Kerr could select no
+fitter time than this to withdraw with grace from the
+field.</p>
+
+<p>As this thought occurs to me, my boy, I look up,
+and behold a couple of our brigadiers a few paces off,
+with only two tumblers between them. Their faces
+are expressionless. I have seen apple-dumplings with
+more expression, especially when dressed with sauce.
+It is impossible, my boy, that any wise thing should
+enter into the heads of our brass-buttoned generals
+under any possible circumstances; and with heavy
+heart, I acknowledge the conviction that I must still
+rush the quill.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Yours, enduringly,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr.</span><br /></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<!--249.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[p. 250]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><a name="LETTER_LXXII" id="LETTER_LXXII"></a>LETTER LXXII.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>REPORTING THE LATEST SMALL STORY FROM "HONEST ABE," AND
+DESCRIBING THE MOST MERCENARY BAYONET CHARGE ON RECORD.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, October 4th, 1862.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>Our Honest Abe, my boy, may lack these brilliant
+qualities which in the great legislator may constitute
+either the live-oak sceptre of true patriotism or the
+dexter finger of refined roguery, as the genius of the
+age pivots on honesty or diplomacy; but his nature
+has all the sterling characteristics of the heartiest manhood
+about it, and there is a smiling sun in his composition
+which never sets. That he is in his anecdotage,
+my boy, is a fact</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Which nobody can deny;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or, if they do, they lie!"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>yet even his anecdotes have that simple sunlight in
+them which is, perhaps, a greater boon to the high
+place of a nation in the dark hour, than the most weird
+and perpetual haze of crafty wisdom could be.</p>
+
+<p>There was a dignified chap here from New York on
+Monday; a chap who has invented many political
+conventions in his time, and came here for the special
+<!--250.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[p. 251]</a></span>
+purpose of learning everything whatsoever concerning
+the present comparative inactivity of the able-bodied
+Mackerel Brigade.</p>
+
+<p>The Mackerel Brigade, my boy, has done little more
+than skirmish on the festive borders of the well-known
+Southern Confederacy since the great metaphysical
+victory in which it gained such applause and lost a
+few muskets, and the dignified convention chap called
+upon the Honest Abe to learn the meaning of the present
+situation.</p>
+
+<p>Rumor states that it was the Honest Abe's hour of
+fragmentary leisure when this inquiring chap perforated
+the White House; and that he was sitting
+with his boots on the window-sill, carving a pine toothpick
+from a vagrant chip.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. President," says the dignified chap, affably,
+"such is the agony of the public mind in consequence
+of the present uncertainty in military affairs that I feel
+it my duty, as a humble portion of that Mind, to
+respectfully request of you some information as to the
+reason for the cotemporary Mackerel inactivity."</p>
+
+<p>"Hem!" says the Honest Abe, combing his locks
+with his right hand, and placing a small bit of the
+chip in the right corner of his Etruscan mouth: "Perhaps
+I cannot better answer your question, neighbor,
+than by relating a small tale:</p>
+
+<p>"There was a man out in Iowa who owned a large
+farm, on which he raised everything but the interest
+of his purchase-money, and it cost him so little to send
+his crops to the market that he was all the time wishing
+he could find the crops to send. Now, this man
+was very tenacious of his rights," says the Honest
+<!--251.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[p. 252]</a></span>
+Abe, putting the argument with his jack-knife&mdash;"he
+was very tenacious of his rights; and when a squatter-sovereign
+from Missouri came and squatted right on
+one of his best pieces of land, he determined to whip
+that squatter-sovereign within an inch of his life, and
+then send him trooping. So he goes down one day to
+where the squatter had run up a shingle house," says
+the Honest Abe, brushing a chip from his right knee,
+"he goes down there, and says he to the squatter: 'If
+you don't make tracks from here in twenty-four hours,
+you varmint, I'll make you smell thunder and see
+chain-lightnin'.' The squatter threw away the axe
+with which he was thumping down a maple log for a
+door-post, and says he: 'This is a free country,
+stranger; and if you'll come to a place where the
+grass is thick enough to make a tidy tumble, we'll
+have it out at once.' This put the old man's dander
+right up," says the Honest Abe, pulling down his vest;
+"this put his dander right up, and says he: 'Grass be
+darned! Here's a spot of ground as bare as the top
+of Governor Chase's head, and I'll jest trouble you&mdash;y'
+old varmint you&mdash;to find how soft it is for a night's
+lodgings.' After this speech there was no more to be
+said; so the two geniuses repaired to the bare spot,
+and squared away at each other like all possest. The
+old man was great on the science of the thing," says
+the Honest Abe, using the toe of one boot as a boot-jack
+to pull the other half-way off&mdash;"the old man was
+great on the science of boxing; but the squatter had
+the muscle, and in about two winks the old 'un was
+packing the gravel. Up he got again, very ricketty
+in the shoulder-blades, and came to call like a grizzly
+<!--252.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[p. 253]</a></span>
+in bee-time, striking out with a bang up science, and
+would have triumphed gloriously if he hadn't suddenly
+gone to gravel again, with all his baggage. On
+this occasion, he righted with both his elbows out of
+joint, and says he: 'You're as good as chawed up&mdash;y'
+old varmint, you&mdash;but I'll come back here next spring,
+and have it out with you on this same spot.' The
+squatter agreed to that, and they parted for the time.</p>
+
+<p>"Now the story of this drawn-fight got abroad, you
+see," says the Honest Abe, working the blade of his
+jack-knife with his thumb&mdash;"it got abroad; and one
+day a neighbor went to the old 'un, and says he:
+'There's one thing about that big fight of yours, Uncle
+Billy, I can't understand. What made you put off the
+end of the show till next spring?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Have you seen the cantankerous spot where we
+fit?' says the old 'un, moving his shoulders uneasily.</p>
+
+<p>"'Truelie,' says the neighbor.</p>
+
+<p>"'Well,' says the old 'un, craftily, 'I'm just waiting
+<i>till that thar spot has a trifle of grass on it</i>.'"</p>
+
+<p>At the conclusion of this natural little narrative, my
+boy, the dignified conventional chap hurried from the
+White House scratching his head: and I really believe,
+my boy&mdash;I really believe, that his sensitive soul detected
+an analogy not gushingly flattering to national
+strategy and the President of the United States for
+1865.</p>
+
+<p>Soon after hearing of this, I met him at Willard's,
+and says I: "Well, my sagacious Mirabeau, what is
+your final opinion of our Honest Abe?"</p>
+
+<p>He merely paused long enough to swear at a button
+which happened to burst from the neck-band of his
+<!--253.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[p. 254]</a></span>
+shirt just then, and says he: "The Honest Abe is a
+well-meaning Executive, enough. He's a well-meaning
+Executive," says the dignified chap, with an air
+of slightly-irritated good-nature; "but I wish he'd do
+something to save his country, instead of telling small
+tales all the time."</p>
+
+<p>Our President is an honest man, my boy, and the
+glass in his spectacles isn't exactly made of the paper
+they print telegrams upon.</p>
+
+<p>Learning that the Mackerel Brigade was still awaiting
+abject peace propositions from the exhausted Confederacy,
+on the borders of Accomac, I scaled the outer
+walls of my Gothic steed, Pegasus, on Wednesday,
+and sped thither on the metaphorical wings of retarded
+lightning. A wisp of hay was clinging to the wiry
+mane of the architectural animal, my boy, and this I
+used to delude the spirited steed from making those
+sudden stops in which he invariably indulges whenever
+a passing acquaintance hails us with the familiar
+salutation of "Hey!&mdash;where are you bound?" The
+charger has evidently a confused idea of the word
+"Hey," my boy.</p>
+
+<p>Upon gaining the outskirts of Accomac, I met Company
+3, Regiment 5, Mackerel Brigade, just coming
+out to make a bayonet-charge upon one of the Confederacy's
+earthworks not far away. I might have let the
+warriors pass by unheeded, my boy, as I was deeply
+ruminating upon strategy; but as they came nearer, I
+noticed among them a file of red noses dragging along
+a Mackerel, who was tearing and groaning like a madman.
+In fact, the chap became so violent just then,
+<!--254.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[p. 255]</a></span>
+that Captain Villiam Brown precipitately dropped his
+canteen and halted the company.</p>
+
+<p>I looked at the devoted and nearly-sober beings
+clustered about the struggling chap, and says I:</p>
+
+<p>"Has mutiny reared his horrid front, my veterans?
+What ails our gymnastic friend?"</p>
+
+<p>A Mackerel, largely patched in several departments
+of his attire, shaded his voice with a crab-like hand,
+and says he: "That is Jakey Mogs, which got a letter
+from his virchoose femly just the instant we was
+ordered to fix bayonets, and he's gone cracked because
+the Captain can't let him leave for home in a
+big rush."</p>
+
+<p>Here the refractory chap burst furiously from those
+who were holding him, fell upon his knees before the
+captain, and says he, as he cried like a woman: "For
+God's sake, Cap, <i>do</i> let me go home just this once, and
+I swear to God I won't stay there more than just one
+minnit! My old woman wrote this herself (tearing the
+letter from his ragged breast), and she says our little
+Tom is dying. He's a-dying&mdash;O good Lord! it's too
+much! Please let me go, my dear, good Cap, and I
+won't be gone an hour; and I'll bring you back the
+pootiest little bull-tarrier you ever see; and you can
+shoot me for desertion&mdash;honor bright! My Tommy's
+a-dying, I tell you, and she's wrote for me to come
+right away. Just an hour, Cap, for God's sake!&mdash;only
+<i>half</i> an hour, and I'll come back and be shot&mdash;honor
+bright!"</p>
+
+<p>As the wild words came pouring out of the poor fellow's
+working soul, there fell a breathless hush upon
+all his comrades; the line of bayonets seemed to me
+<!--255.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[p. 256]</a></span>
+to reflect the soft light of the afternoon with a kind of
+strange quiver, and though the Captain turned his head
+sternly away from the suppliant, there was not that
+firmness in the arm circling to his hip which drives
+home the sword of the strong.</p>
+
+<p>"Take the being under guard," says Villiam,
+hoarsely; "for he <i>must</i> go."</p>
+
+<p>At the word, the rude father sprang to his feet, with
+a tigerish glare in his eyes, dashed the letter to the
+ground, tore his bowie from its sheath; and as, with
+the howl of a wild beast, he made a furious thrust at
+one of those who approached to secure him&mdash;Nature
+broke in the tempest, and he fell into the arms of a
+comrade, in a fit. They sent him back, then, to camp,
+and Company 3, Regiment 5, moved forward once
+again, as though nothing had happened.</p>
+
+<p>Alas! my boy, when this whole war is the sensitive
+nerve of a vast nation, and vibrates a thrill of mortal
+agony to a million of souls at each jar the very air receives
+from a shot, what matter is it if a single heart
+be broken.</p>
+
+<p>I pondered this deeply as I followed Company 3;
+nor did I heed the affable remarks occasionally volunteered
+by Captain Villiam Brown until we gained the
+edge of the field wherein was located a company of
+bushwhacking Confederacies, as was supposed, behind
+a scientific mud-work. Captain Bob Shorty and Captain
+Samyule Sa-mith were already on the ground to
+witness the bayonet charge; and it was well that they
+had provided bits of smoked glass to view it through,
+as the glaring brilliancy of the anticipated feat might
+have proved hurtful to the naked eye. As I took my
+<!--256.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[p. 257]</a></span>
+place with them, my boy, I could not but admire the
+rapidity with which Captain Villiam Brown kicked
+some of his beings into a straight line before the foe's
+front, and at the same time addressed them after the
+manner of a great commander:</p>
+
+<p>"Comrades," says Villiam, his voice quivering finely
+with uncontrollable valor, "the eyes of future centuries
+are looking down upon you on this present occasion,
+and your distracted country expects you to propel the
+gleamy steel. Ah!" says Villiam, taking another
+hasty look at his notes, "the distracted country has
+great confidence in bayonet charges, which are quite
+valuable on account of their scarcity in this unnatural
+war. My fellow-beings," says Villiam, allowing several
+Mackerels to get in front of him, that he might
+more readily direct their movements, "we will now
+proceed to charge bayonets."</p>
+
+<p>From our point of vantage, we saw that serried host
+sweep on, my boy, their movements being exceedingly
+rapid for several yards; when they went slower, and
+finally stopped.</p>
+
+<p>Captain Samyule Sa-mith eyed them intensely
+through his glass, and says he: "It appears to me
+that there is temporary inactivity in the ranks,
+and I can see some manly heads turned the wrong
+way."</p>
+
+<p>Captain Bob Shorty frowned until his left eyebrow
+contracted a delicate streak of smoke from <i>his</i> glass,
+and says he: "You speak like one of feeble mind,
+Samyule. The legs, not the head, are the portions of
+the human frame to be watched in a baynit charge."</p>
+
+<p>Taught by this remark, I gazed at the nether continuations
+<!--257.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[p. 258]</a></span>
+of our country's hope and pride, and my
+glass told me that many of them were working in their
+sockets as though belonging to wholly irresponsible
+parties. Were those devoted men about to change
+their base of operations and entrap Stonewall Jackson's
+whole force again, without waiting to receive a shot?</p>
+
+<p>It was a moment of dreadful suspense.</p>
+
+<p>Then did the matchless genius of Villiam Brown
+arise to the full demands of the breathless occasion, in
+one of those subtle appeals to human nature's great
+undercurrent which leads men as children often are
+led. In the rear of the Confederacy's work was the
+slanting side of a precipitous hill, and to this hill-side
+he had secretly dispatched the paymaster of the <i>corps</i>,
+by a circuitous route, with a package that looked as
+though it might contain Treasury Notes under his arm.
+Just at this awful juncture, when the fate of the day
+hung by a hair, that paymaster made his appearance
+on the hill-side above the mud-work, and put on his
+spectacles to make himself more plainly visible.</p>
+
+<p>"Comrades," says Villiam, pointing to the celestial
+figure, "yonder is the disbursing genius of the
+United States of America. Charge baynits, and let
+us be paid off."</p>
+
+<p>Though the whole Confederacy had been in the way
+at that moment, my boy, it would not have delayed
+the charge. Forward went Company 3, Regiment 5,
+with mercenary celerity, capturing the hostile work
+with great success; and finding therein a Confederate
+letter, stating that the Confederacy could not so far
+demean itself as to fight a force whose leader had not
+been educated at West Point.
+<!--258.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[p. 259]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>There is a point, my boy, <i>beyond</i> which the Confederacy
+cannot hope to offer successful resistance to
+our arms, and recent events would seem to indicate
+that it is West Point.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Yours, formally,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<!--259.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[p. 260]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><a name="LETTER_LXXIII" id="LETTER_LXXIII"></a>LETTER LXXIII.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>MAKING MENTION OF ANOTHER MEETING OF THE COSMOPOLITAN
+CLUB, AT WHICH THE TURKISH AND RUSSIAN MEMBERS READ THEIR
+STORIES.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, October 8th, 1862.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>At the meeting of the Cosmopolitans last evening,
+my boy, N. E. Ottoman, the Turkish chap, related
+the tale of</p>
+
+
+<p class="gentitle">THE SULTAN'S FAVORITE.</p>
+
+<p>"In all Circassia, there was no woman to be compared
+with Zara, for beauty. Her eyes were like the
+stars, her hair was threads of gold, her teeth were
+pearls, her complexion more white and pure than the
+marble of Patras, and her form was like those of the
+houris, whom Allah has locked up in paradise, for the
+benefit of all true believers.</p>
+
+<p>"The father of this beautiful girl was a mountain
+chieftain, much noted for his physical strength, bravery,
+and insatiable avarice. His wife died in giving birth
+to Zara, and upon her child he lavished all the affection
+<!--260.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[p. 261]</a></span>
+which his iron heart could nourish; but gold
+overcame the finer feelings of a parent, and Nemyl
+beheld the bud of childhood bursting forth into the
+soul-subduing woman with thoughts in which there
+was far more speculation than love.</p>
+
+<p>"'You shall be sold to the Sultan,' said he to her,
+'and he will soon become your most devoted slave.
+You may make him do what you will, and I shall become
+respected and rich, as the father of a Sultan's
+favorite.'</p>
+
+<p>"Zara made no reply to such anticipations; for,
+although she honored the <i>alem penali</i> of mankind,
+her affections had lighted upon another object.</p>
+
+<p>"During the war between the Russians and Circassians,
+truces of a few days' duration were quite frequent,
+and at such periods those of both parties who
+were upon the plains, intermingled, and spoke words
+of peace to each other. On one of these occasions, a
+Russian detachment was quartered near the habitation
+of Nemyl, and a young officer, who beheld Zara, fell
+in love with her at first sight, although he saw nothing
+but her form; for her face was covered.</p>
+
+<p>"Garstoff (for such was his name) made various
+attempts to have communication with the insensible
+object of his passion; but, for some days, his efforts
+were in vain&mdash;the Circassians being very ready to
+keep truce with his countrymen, but very jealous,
+also, of any attention bestowed upon one of their own
+nation. The officer beheld the brief period of peace
+fast drawing to an end, and was about to resign his
+darling object, when fortune unexpectedly befriended
+him.
+<!--261.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[p. 262]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"One evening as he was returning to his camp, a
+sound of clashing steel fell upon his ear, and, turning
+in the direction from whence it came, he observed a
+horseman bravely defending himself against the assaults
+of four men in Turkish costume. Swift as lightning,
+his sword flew from his scabbard, and going to
+the assistance of the rider, he made two of the assailants
+bite the dust, while the others took to their heels
+and quickly disappeared.</p>
+
+<p>"'Your assistance was most timely, and I owe my
+life to you,' said the horseman, dismounting from his
+steed, and peering into the face of his new ally.</p>
+
+<p>"'I am happy to have been of service to a brave
+man,' replied Garstoff, 'but who were those scoundrels?'</p>
+
+<p>"'I know them not,' answered the other, 'but suppose
+them to belong to a band of mountain thieves,
+who are prowling about the camps in search of plunder.
+I perceive, by your uniform, that you are one of our
+enemies. But we are at peace now, and as you have
+saved my live, I extend the hand of friendship to you.
+Come with me to my house, and we will eat salt together.'</p>
+
+<p>"'May I know the name of my new friend?' asked
+the Russian.</p>
+
+<p>"'I am Nemyl, and I put my trust in God.'</p>
+
+<p>"'I cannot refuse your kind invitation,' said Garstoff.
+And Nemyl remounting his horse, the two set
+off at good speed not saying another word until they
+arrived at the house of the chieftain. It was a spacious
+but rude habitation, and the only attendant who
+welcomed the pair was a pretty little girl of scarce
+<!--262.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[p. 263]</a></span>
+ten years. Nemyl fastened the horses of himself and
+visitor under a low shed, and then proceeded to an
+apartment where <i>rabols</i>, viands, various fruits, mountain
+herbs, and large vessels filled with coffee and
+eastern wines, were placed upon a table with covers
+for three persons.</p>
+
+<p>"'We sup here,' he said, motioning Garstoff to a
+seat beside the board, and taking one himself. 'I
+expected to have met one of our chiefs to-night, and
+brought him to my house, but those fellows stopped
+me, and I changed my company. Eat&mdash;What is
+your name?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Major Garstoff.'</p>
+
+<p>"A shade passed over the features of Nemyl, at the
+sound of that name, and he grasped the hilt of his
+scymetar, for he had heard of the officer's attempt to
+speak with Zara, and it was only a thought of recent
+events that restrained him from rushing upon the bold
+barbarian with the fury of a tiger.</p>
+
+<p>"Garstoff beheld the change in his host's manner,
+and had grasped his own weapon, to defend himself
+from any sudden attack, when a door was opened, and
+Zara entered the department, preceded by the little
+slave, looking more beautiful than ever.</p>
+
+<p>"The officer was filled with various emotions by her
+presence; for he at once recognised her as the idol of
+his heart, and all feelings of anger disappeared at
+once.</p>
+
+<p>"'This is my child Zara,' said Nemyl, with affected
+indifference. 'The great Sultan has an apartment for
+her in his seraglio, and his Aga has already bargained
+with me for her purchase.'
+<!--263.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[p. 264]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Garstoff watched the girl's countenance, while her
+father spoke thus, and was delighted to perceive that
+she was discomposed by his words; but resolving to
+avoid a quarrel with his entertainer, he replied:</p>
+
+<p>"'Happy must be the man, whether sultan or renegade,
+who is destined to claim so much beauty for
+his own.'</p>
+
+<p>"The suspicions of Nemyl were lulled to sleep by
+such disinterested expressions, and he ate and drank
+with his visitor, in all good will, while Zara listened
+in silence to their conversation. At length, the fumes
+of the liquors which he had swallowed, mounted to his
+brain, and after giving vent to some incoherent oaths,
+the Circassian fell upon the floor in a state of insensibility.
+His visitor was quite astonished by such a
+catastrophe; but as it afforded him an opportunity to
+converse with Zara, he rather rejoiced at it.</p>
+
+<p>"'Fair lady,' said he, 'can it indeed be true that
+your charms are destined to wither in the Sultan's
+harem?'</p>
+
+<p>"'It is true, stranger,' answered Zara, in mournful
+tones, 'the Aga of Soliman, spoke with my father
+at Constantinople, and I am to be borne thither soon.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Does such a fate please you, Zara?' asked the
+officer.</p>
+
+<p>"'No!' replied the beautiful Circassian, with emphasis.
+'But it is the will of Allah, and I must
+submit.'</p>
+
+<p>"She arose from her seat, and beckoning for the
+attendant, was about to leave the apartment, when
+Garstoff, laid his hand upon her arm, and gently
+restrained her.
+<!--264.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[p. 265]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'Forgive my rudeness,' he said, with much earnestness;
+'but, Zara, I cannot behold your sacrifice,
+without endeavoring to avert it. I am a stranger to
+you; but you are not a stranger to me; for I have
+seen you, when you thought yourself unobserved, and a
+fire has been kindled in my breast, which nothing but
+possession of you can ever abate. Tell me to perform
+some deed, that I may prove the ardor of my love;
+let me save you from the fearful doom that threatens
+you&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>"'Stop! Christian,' interrupted the maid; 'I have
+never seen your face before, and how can I trust a
+stranger? Go! or Nemyl shall punish you when he
+awakes. I can hear your words no longer.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Think not that I fear your father,' answered Garstoff,
+'though I stand in his house; yet I will no
+longer excite your anger by staying here.'</p>
+
+<p>"He arose, and would have departed, had not the
+daughter of Nemyl placed herself in his way.</p>
+
+<p>"'What would you do for me?' she asked hurriedly.</p>
+
+<p>"'I would sacrifice my life, if necessary.'</p>
+
+<p>"'That would not help me, Christian. Dare you
+appear in the field as a rival to the sultan, for my
+favor?'</p>
+
+<p>"'As a rival to ten thousand sultans, for such a
+reward.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Why do you not <i>buy me</i>, then?'</p>
+
+<p>"The Russian staggered back and turned pale at
+the suggestion; for it reminded him how wholly the
+woman was beyond his reach, and filled him with
+despair.
+<!--265.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[p. 266]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'What sum would do it?' he asked.</p>
+
+<p>"'Five thousand doblas,' answered Zara, composedly;
+'the great sultan will give <i>four</i> thousand, and
+if you offer <i>five</i>, my father will surely sell me to you.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Alas! what a curse is poverty!' exclaimed Garstoff,
+smiting his forehead. 'I have only my pay, and
+it would not amount to that sum in three years. What
+shall I do?'</p>
+
+<p>"His sorrow evidently affected Zara, and for some
+moments they remained silent. At length, her eyes
+brightened, and she said in peremptory tones;</p>
+
+<p>"'You can bear me away to your own country.'</p>
+
+<p>"'That is true!' ejaculated the Russian, kissing
+her willing hand in ecstasy. 'Then indeed have I not
+suffered in vain. I will take you to a country where
+the sovereign will smile upon you as my bride, and
+you shall forget a land where women are sold like
+dogs. Bless you for the suggestion, dear Zara, I
+thought of it before; but dared not anticipate so much
+happiness. When will you fly with me?'</p>
+
+<p>"'At this hour, two days hence, I will be in the
+garden alone!' responded the girl, with a familiar
+glance.</p>
+
+<p>"'It is enough!' said Garstoff. 'I will be here
+with horses and arms, and morning shall behold you
+in the camp of my countrymen. Till then, farewell.'</p>
+
+<p>"The lovers separated so hastily, because Nemyl
+had commenced to move; Zara going with the mute
+attendant to her apartment, and Garstoff departing
+for his encampment. When both had disappeared,
+Nemyl arose to his feet, while a dim, but grim smile,
+<!--266.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[p. 267]</a></span>
+played about his lips, and all signs of intoxication
+vanished.</p>
+
+<p>"'Oh, ho!' he muttered, between his set teeth.
+'The son of a dog would rob me of my daughter and
+four thousand doblas. I will take good care to be
+in the garden two days hence, and the son of Shitan
+shall find what it is to rival the sublime sultan. They
+thought me drunk with grape juice, but they shall suffer
+for it. By Allah! they shall!' and he threw himself
+upon a couch, where he soon fell asleep, to dream
+of gold and vengeance.</p>
+
+<p>"The truce was within three days of its expiration
+and Garstoff, overjoyed at the success of his impious
+design, hastened to prepare for its execution. He procured
+horses, assistants, and arms; and on the night
+appointed proceeded towards the house of Nemyl.
+When within a short distance of the garden, he dismounted
+from his horse and leaving that together
+with the others provided, in care of a few soldiers
+who composed his guard, he drew his sword and
+walked cautiously towards the place of rendezvous.
+Climbing to the top of the wall, he paused for a moment
+to survey the scene beneath; but all was still as
+the grave, and he sprang into the garden. A few
+fleecy clouds had hitherto obscured the moon; but
+now she sailed beyond their shade, and by her silver
+light the Russian discovered a figure dressed in white,
+at a short distance in front of him.</p>
+
+<p>"'Zara,' he said, in low, distinct tones, going
+toward it.</p>
+
+<p>"'Christian, I am here,' answered Zara (for she it
+was,) and in another moment she was in his arms.
+<!--267.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[p. 268]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'We must haste away,' said Garstoff, when the
+first rapture of their meeting was over, and she hung
+upon his arm.</p>
+
+<p>"'Yes! yes! I am afraid Nemyl has discovered us.
+There have been strange men about the house to-day,'
+replied Zara, looking timidly about her; for guilt is
+ever suspicious, even in broad day.</p>
+
+<p>"Garstoff said no more, but quickly regained the
+wall; and, drawing forth a rope-ladder from under his
+coat threw it over the wall, so that it hung down on
+either side, and having fastened it in the middle, descended
+after Zara. Catching her in his arms, he
+darted back; and, in a few seconds, was standing with
+her upon the path.</p>
+
+<p>"'Whose steps are those?' she exclaimed, in terror,
+as the sound of advancing footsteps fell upon her
+ears.</p>
+
+<p>"'They are my soldiers, dearest,' answered her
+lover, applying a whistle to his lips, and blowing
+a shrill blast; although he was himself astonished
+that they approached before the signal agreed upon
+was given.</p>
+
+<p>"'Draw your sword, captain&mdash;we are surprised!'
+shouted his followers, as they rode hastily up; and
+almost before the annoyed Garstoff could clasp his
+weapon, a troup of fierce Circassians surrounded him,
+while another party attacked his soldiers with great
+fury.</p>
+
+<p>"'Surrender, dog of a Christian!' shouted Nemyl,
+in a voice of thunder.</p>
+
+<p>"'Not while I live!' answered the officer.</p>
+
+<p>"'Then disarm him, my men; but harm him not at
+<!--268.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[p. 269]</a></span>
+your peril!' said the Circassian; and, after a desperate
+resistance, Garstoff was made a prisoner, Zara lay
+fainting in the arms of two stout mountaineers, and
+every Russian soldier bled to death.</p>
+
+<p>"'To the house with them!' said Nemyl, in his
+usual tones, leading the way with an air of triumph.</p>
+
+<p>"Garstoff soon found himself in the apartment where
+he had supped with the father of Zara, who now stood
+before him as his captor.</p>
+
+<p>"'You have repaid my hospitality with a vengeance,'
+said Nemyl.</p>
+
+<p>"'Beware how you abuse a Russian officer!' he answered,
+proudly.</p>
+
+<p>"'Remember, Christian, the truce expires to-morrow,
+and if I keep you a prisoner until then, you will be
+treated as a prisoner of war.'</p>
+
+<p>"'I know it.'</p>
+
+<p>"'You are now completely in my power; and there
+is but one feeling that withholds my sword from your
+heart. Do you know what feeling that is?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Fear!'</p>
+
+<p>"'No, Christian devil! Nemyl knows no such word!
+It is <i>gratitude</i> for the preservation of my life towards
+my preserver. <i>You are free.</i> Depart in peace.'</p>
+
+<p>"'I honor the nobility of your sentiments,' answered
+Garstoff, filled with admiration of such magnanimity;
+'yet I would willingly yield my life to preserve Zara
+from the fate you promise her.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Mention not her name. She deserves the bowstring,
+instead of the Sultan's embraces,' said Nemyl,
+sternly.</p>
+
+<p>"'Are you then so insensible to&mdash;&mdash;'
+<!--269.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[p. 270]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'Will you give me five thousand doblas for her?'</p>
+
+<p>"'A hundred thousand, if I had them!'</p>
+
+<p>"'But you have them not?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Alas, no!'</p>
+
+<p>"'Then you cannot have Zara. Depart in peace.'</p>
+
+<p>"Garstoff looked frantically about him for a moment
+and then rushed from the apartment like one demented.</p>
+
+<p>"'My friends,' continued Nemyl, turning to the
+mountaineers, who stood behind him&mdash;'I wished you
+to aid me in recovering a lost treasure, and you drew
+your swords for me. My daughter is delivered from
+the Christian robber, and six of his soldiers are sent
+to Eblis. I gave the dog his life, because he saved
+mine, when it was nearly forfeited; but we shall soon
+meet in battle, and then let the Giaour beware! Depart
+in peace, my friends.'</p>
+
+<p>"As I have before stated, Zara fell into a swoon,
+immediately after the first appearance of her father,
+on the evening of her attempted flight, and was carried
+to her chamber, unconscious of how the affray
+resulted. For two days, she was kept a prisoner in
+her own apartment, seeing no one but the little mute.
+At the end of that period, her father made his appearance,
+while she slept, and rudely pulled her from the
+couch on which she lay.</p>
+
+<p>"'Holy Prophet, have mercy!' she exclaimed, in
+an agony of fear, imagining that he intended to slay
+her.</p>
+
+<p>"'Dress, and prepare to depart!' thundered Nemyl.
+'We must be on the road before day-break.'</p>
+
+<p>"Trembling like an aspen, Zara suffered the attendant
+to array her, and then asked, with quivering lips
+<!--270.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[p. 271]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"'Where do you intend to take me!'</p>
+
+<p>"'<i>To the Sultan!</i>' exclaimed Nemyl; and, as she
+sank upon her knees at his feet, he added, furiously,
+'Base girl, you would have covered me with disgrace
+by following a Christian dog; but Allah gave me
+strength, and I slew the barbarian in his toils.'</p>
+
+<p>"In silence the girl rose to her feet, and signified
+her readiness to depart by a low salaam.</p>
+
+<p>"At the street door stood the litter prepared for her
+reception, and Nemyl pushing her into it, drew the
+curtains, and gave the signal to the drivers, while he
+mounted his horse and accompanied them. On arriving
+at the city of the Sultan (which they did after
+a tedious journey), Nemyl conveyed his daughter to
+the grand bazaar; for, in fact, he never received an
+offer from the Sultan, but spread the report that other
+purchasers might present themselves, whose positions
+would fail to gratify the desires of his inordinate ambition.
+Not long had he remained there with the litter,
+when the Kislar Aga of Soliman entered the bazaar,
+and made directly towards him, with long strides.</p>
+
+<p>"'What animal have you in your litter that you
+keep it closed like a cage?' asked the Aga.</p>
+
+<p>"'Your slave will show you that you may judge
+of it for yourself,' answered Nemyl, and drawing the
+curtains, disclosed Zara, with tears upon her cheeks.</p>
+
+<p>"The Aga started back in amazement at beholding
+such a display of beauty, and all his anger vanished
+like snow beneath a sunbeam. He well knew that the
+addition of such an ornament to the Sultan's harem,
+through his instrumentality, would add greatly to his
+<!--271.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[p. 272]</a></span>
+consequence; and his satisfaction was so evident, that
+Nemyl beheld it with delight, and&mdash;profited by it.</p>
+
+<p>"'How much gold do you want for the girl?' asked
+the Aga, endeavoring to appear indifferent.</p>
+
+<p>"'Five thousand doblas,' answered Nemyl, composedly.</p>
+
+<p>"'Five thousand doblas! <i>Bismillah!</i> dare you
+laugh at our beards? That money would buy a dozen
+women.'</p>
+
+<p>"'I was offered that by a Russian officer,' said the
+Circassian, without moving his eyes.</p>
+
+<p>"For a moment the Aga hesitated, but the idea of
+selecting a favorite speedily overcame all his scruples,
+and bidding Nemyl follow him with the litter, he proceeded
+to a private door of the imperial seraglio, and
+gave Zara in charge of two female slaves.</p>
+
+<p>"Thus was the fairest flower of Franquistan placed
+in the imperial garden, and he who had trained it was
+soon on his way home, with five thousand doblas in his
+pocket.</p>
+
+<p>"What pencil could portray the delight of his sublime
+highness, or what tongue could repeat the language
+of his immaculate lips, when he beheld his
+Aga's new purchase.</p>
+
+<p>"'<i>Barek Allah!</i>' praise be to God; 'what an hour!'
+he exclaimed, kissing her passionately.</p>
+
+<p>"'She is already a favorite,' said the Aga, and smiled.</p>
+
+<p>"'She will be a favorite,' said the queen's mother,
+and frowned.</p>
+
+<p>"Zara wept, and would not be comforted during the
+first few days of her residence at the seraglio; but
+finally the kind words of his sublime highness conquered
+<!--272.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[p. 273]</a></span>
+her obstinacy, and throwing herself at his feet,
+she made a full confession of her fondness for Garstoff,
+and his vain attempt to carry her away by stratagem.</p>
+
+<p>"The Sultan was much afflicted by this news, for he
+really loved Zara, and was aware, that, should her defection
+become known, his honor would compel him to
+plunge her lifeless body into the Bosphorus.</p>
+
+<p>"'My dear Zara,' he said, encircling her waist with
+his arms, 'you have been frank with me, but beware
+that you speak of this affair to no one else, or your life
+will surely be sacrificed. This Garstoff is dead, and
+can now be nothing to you; do not waste your affections
+upon a skeleton; but let them revert to me, and
+Soliman will become the slave of your will.'</p>
+
+<p>"In such a manner did the Refuge of Mankind talk
+to the daughter of Nemyl, until she gradually drew
+the veil of forgetfulness over past sorrows, and respected
+his sublime highness, if she did not love him.
+Taking the highest rank in the harem, no wish of hers
+remained unanswered; masters of every art were furnished
+as her instructors; subservient slaves were ever
+ready to do her bidding, and costly presents of every
+description rolled in upon the favorite, from those who
+had&mdash;axes to grind.</p>
+
+<p>"Each day the Sultan became more deeply in love
+with her, and in the same proportion, she became each
+day more odious to those, whom, from old age, or
+satiety, the magnificent Soliman had quitted for Zara.
+Among the most violent enemies of the new favorite,
+was the queen mother, who suborned the Kislar Aga
+to her will, and through him, maintained a thorough
+system of espionage upon every word and action of the
+<!--273.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[p. 274]</a></span>
+object of her hatred; but Zara rendered all her efforts
+futile until one day while going abroad, she observed
+a person dressed in the janissary uniform, whose form
+appeared familiar; and what was her emotion, when
+he turned his face toward her, and discovered the features
+of <i>Garstoff</i>!"</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 15%;' />
+
+<p>Here the English member interrupted the reader,
+and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"Good gracious! I thought that fellow was dead."</p>
+
+<p>"No, sir," says the Turkish chap; "you should remember
+that Nemyl spared his life."</p>
+
+<p>"I don't remember anything about it," says the
+British chap, crustily; "but I suppose you told that
+part of the story when I was asleep. Proceed."</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 15%;' />
+
+<p>"The Kislar Aga, who stood behind her litter,
+noted Zara's emotions and their apparent cause, and
+when he returned to the palace, made his instigatress
+acquainted with her rival's strange conduct. The
+wily woman at once perceived that Zara was partially
+in her power, and instructed her instrument to watch
+the favorite closely, and gain further information.
+Meanwhile, their intended victim suffered the pangs
+of remorse, and old feelings awakened from their long
+sleep, struggled fiercely with the usurping passions in
+her bosom.
+<!--274.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[p. 275]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"The sight of the Russian, whom she believed to be
+in his grave, made her frantic with sorrow, and she
+resolved to speak with him, although by so doing, she
+would risk discovery and an ignominious end.</p>
+
+<p>"To accomplish her purpose she called upon the
+Aga, as he had always appeared devoted to her special
+interests, and, describing the person of her lover,
+asked him to carry a billet to Garstoff, and thus gain a
+rich reward.</p>
+
+<p>"'Aga,' she said, with composure, 'you must find
+this man, and ask him if his name is not Garstoff.
+Should he start, and answer yes, give him this slip of
+paper, and say no more.'</p>
+
+<p>"With many vows of fidelity, the Aga received the
+billet, and carried it direct to&mdash;the queen mother.</p>
+
+<p>"The latter person did not hesitate to open it, and
+read as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"'<span class="smcap">Garstoff</span>: I have seen you, and would speak
+with you. Meet me near the mosque of Omar, to-morrow,
+at the tenth hour.'</p>
+
+<p>
+'<span class="smcap">Zara.</span>'<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>"'She is caught at last,' said the triumphant plotter;
+'but we must let the affair run on, until the Sultan
+may be convinced by his own eyes of her guilt.'</p>
+
+<p>"Accordingly, the slave departed in search of the
+disguised Russian, whom he soon discovered from the
+description given him by Zara.</p>
+
+<p>"'Is not your name Garstoff?' he asked.</p>
+
+<p>"'Great heavens!&mdash;yes, it is!' answered the janissary,
+in great confusion.
+<!--275.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[p. 276]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'Then here is something for you,' said the Aga;
+and, handing him the billet, turned upon his heel.</p>
+
+<p>"Great was the surprise of Garstoff when he read
+the letter; but joy quickly overcame wonder, and he
+hastened to procure a suitable disguise for the strange
+meeting.</p>
+
+<p>"At the appointed hour he stood before the mosque,
+and presently a muffled figure approached him, whom
+his beating heart proclaimed to be the long lost object
+of his adoration. It was indeed Zara, and, in
+one moment, they were in each other's arms.</p>
+
+<p>"The Russian hastened to relate his adventures
+since they last saw each other, and finished by
+saying:</p>
+
+<p>"'I gave up my commission, dearest Zara, to seek
+for you, and now that we once more behold each
+other, let us never part again. This hated uniform I
+assumed to facilitate my search; it shall be thrown
+aside now and forever.'</p>
+
+<p>"Then Zara commenced her narrative, but was
+quickly interrupted.</p>
+
+<p>"'Zara, tell me, for heaven's sake, have you listened
+to the Sultan's words of love? Are you, are you&mdash;his&mdash;slave?'
+gasped Garstoff, staggering against
+the wall.</p>
+
+<p>"Zara looked to the ground.</p>
+
+<p>"'I see it all,' he continued, in frantic accents.
+'Zara, you are lost! lost to me forever! I go to my
+death. Zara, a last farewell!' He was about to leave
+her, when she caught his arm, and hissed in his ear:</p>
+
+<p>"'Is this your love that you once boasted of?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Zara, let me go; I am almost mad.'
+<!--276.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[p. 277]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'And I am <i>quite</i> mad. Listen to me, faithless
+Christian. I beheld you in the streets when you saw
+me not, and have risked honor, life, every thing, to
+come to you, and be your slave. How could I help
+what has passed? My father&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>"'Zara, you should have <i>died</i> first.'</p>
+
+<p>"For a time she remained silent, with her head
+bowed, and then said, in low tones:</p>
+
+<p>"'Christian, you are right; I should, indeed, have
+preferred death to my present fate; but it is too late
+now. I will return to my <i>master</i>; yet do I hope to
+see you once again. Will you not grant me that
+favor?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Once more,' answered Garstoff mechanically.</p>
+
+<p>"'Then come here to-morrow, and you will find a
+large chest; place yourself in it, and two slaves
+will bring you to me. Do you promise?'</p>
+
+<p>"'I do, Zara,' and, in deep sorrow, Garstoff turned
+away.</p>
+
+<p>"'Base dog!' muttered Zara, as she again muffled
+her features, 'you have rejected the daughter of
+Nemyl, and she sleeps not while you press the earth.'</p>
+
+<p>"The favorite sped hastily back to the palace, and
+entered by a secret door, while the Kislar Aga, who
+had concealed himself near her at the mosque, and
+witnessed the interview, hastened to the queen mother,
+and made his report, when she exclaimed:</p>
+
+<p>"'Allah be praised! this Circassian will soon be
+under the Bosphorus; for Zara will meet her gallant,
+and his serene highness shall behold himself dishonored.'</p>
+
+<p>"Knowing the extreme affection entertained for
+<!--277.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[p. 278]</a></span>
+Zara by Soliman, the cautious woman was wary in
+her communication, and did not reveal the whole
+matter, until the Sultan's suspicions had been aroused
+by her hints. He first ridiculed, then listened silently,
+then believed; and, finally, agreed to conceal himself
+in the Sultana's apartment, and judge for himself.</p>
+
+<p>"He waited until the moment of assignation approached,
+and was looking upon the unconscious object
+of his gaze with returning confidence, when a
+curtain of the apartment was raised, and two negro
+slaves entered, bearing a large chest between them.</p>
+
+<p>"Zara motioned for them to leave it and depart;
+and then raising the lid, Garstoff stepped forth, and
+the Sultan uttered an inward groan.</p>
+
+<p>"'Drink this, and it will give you strength,' said
+Zara, presenting a goblet of liquor to the janissary.</p>
+
+<p>"Garstoff raised the cup to his lips, and drained it
+at a draught; on which the fair Circassian burst into
+a fit of hysterical laughter.</p>
+
+<p>"'Is this a moment for merriment?' asked Garstoff,
+sternly.</p>
+
+<p>"'Wine makes me merry!' she answered, drinking
+from another goblet. 'And now, Christian, do you
+know what you came here for?'</p>
+
+<p>"'To see you for the last time.'</p>
+
+<p>"'That is true, follower of Isauri&mdash;<i>you go not hence
+alive!</i>'</p>
+
+<p>"'What mean you, woman?' exclaimed Garstoff,
+starting from his seat with pallid cheeks.</p>
+
+<p>"'<i>I mean that you have swallowed poison!</i>' screamed
+Zara, the fire of insanity blazing from her eyes.
+<!--278.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[p. 279]</a></span>
+'You scorned the daughter of Nemyl, and she has
+taken revenge! Pray to Isauri&mdash;pray to&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>"Garstoff dropped upon the floor, a disfigured
+corpse, and the Sultan bounded from his place of concealment
+upon Zara; but the purple veins of her forehead
+were swelling out like cords, and before he could
+speak to her she was&mdash;<i>dead!</i>"</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 15%;' />
+
+<p>"Really," says Vitchisvitch, the Russian member,
+drawing a long breath, "there is too much of the
+'blood and thunder' style about that story to suit me;
+but here is something more quiet."</p>
+
+<p>And he proceeded, my boy, to make known unto us</p>
+
+
+<p class="gentitle">THE LITTLE MAN IN GREEN.</p>
+
+<p>"On a clear, cold night in December, Nicholas
+Dimitri, a young officer of Cossacks, was walking
+slowly through a public street of St. Petersburg, with
+a military cloak thrown over his shoulder, and looking
+steadfastly to the ground, as though intent upon
+some prospect of no ordinary interest. Acquaintances
+of all ranks were constantly passing him, but their
+silent salutes met no return, and many a surmise was
+hazarded as to what his mission was, that it caused
+such evident abstraction in one so generally admired
+for his flow <i>d'esprit</i>. Unconscious of attracting attention,
+Nicholas strode onwards wrapped in thought,
+until he became aware of violent collision with some
+<!--279.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">[p. 280]</a></span>
+person going in an opposite direction, and almost immediately
+a hoarse voice exclaimed:</p>
+
+<p>"'What, in the name of all that's good, are you
+about? Are not the walks wide enough for both of
+us, that you must needs knock a man's breath out of his
+body in this way? By the Admiral's wig! I've a
+mind to return the compliment with my fists, you
+lubber.'</p>
+
+<p>"The officer of Cossacks started involuntarily, as his
+reverie was thus broken, and beheld standing before
+him a very stout individual, rather below the ordinary
+height in stature, with iron-grey hair, prominent features
+much embrowned, and clad in a plain green uniform,
+such as was worn by the privates in the army.
+The little man stood directly in his path, with an expression
+of good natured defiance resting upon his
+countenance, and flourishing a short cane in his right
+hand.</p>
+
+<p>"'I beg your pardon, sir,' said Nicholas, somewhat
+provoked, 'but I was hardly conscious of being in the
+street at all. Allow me to pass, sir, I am in haste.'
+He attempted to get by the little gentleman, but that
+person had no idea of allowing such a move, and in
+the coolest possible manner linked his arm with that
+of the impatient officer.</p>
+
+<p>"'It's my watch now,' he said, with a short laugh,
+'and as you don't bunk in just yet, we may as well
+be company for each other. I ain't particular about
+which way you go, so up with your irons and we'll
+scud.'</p>
+
+<p>"'I can permit no such familiarities,' replied Nicholas,
+angrily, attempting to release his arm. 'Are
+<!--280.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_281" id="Page_281">[p. 281]</a></span>
+you intoxicated, that you do not perceive I am an officer?
+Let go my arm, sir, or I will call the patrol,
+and place you under guard.'</p>
+
+<p>"Notwithstanding this threat, the little man still
+hung on, and walked boldly beside him with great
+good humor.</p>
+
+<p>"'Ha! ha! you think I belong to the army, Mr.
+Officer,' he observed, with much jocularity. 'I know
+rather more about the sea, and never tip my cap to
+anything less than a frigate captain. But never mind
+that. This street should be better lighted, and yet if
+it had been, I should never have known you&mdash;don't
+you think so? Now really don't you think the Emperor
+or Czar should pay more attention to lighting
+the streets? I should think the people would grumble
+about it&mdash;don't they?'</p>
+
+<p>"Seeing that his new acquaintance was determined
+to walk beside him, the officer had resolved to let him
+talk without venturing a reply, but this slur upon the
+Czar wounded his pride, and he answered impatiently,</p>
+
+<p>"'You cannot be a Russian, sir, or you would not
+dare speak thus disrespectfully of the greatest, noblest,
+and best living sovereign. Why should we need more
+light, sirrah, when the moon is shining brightly? Let
+me warn you not to speak this way before others, or
+you may receive rough treatment. Every Muscovite
+honors and loves the Czar as a father, and a slighter
+cause than that just given by you has cost many a foreigner
+his life in St. Petersburg.'</p>
+
+<p>"As the young man spoke, he seemed to forget his
+<!--281.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_282" id="Page_282">[p. 282]</a></span>
+companion, and yielded his whole soul to the enthusiasm
+of loyalty.</p>
+
+<p>"'I like you,' said the little man, heartily.</p>
+
+<p>"'Indeed!'</p>
+
+<p>"'Yes, and will help you.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Help me?' asked Nicholas, stopping suddenly in
+his walk, eyeing his companion with mingled astonishment
+and suspicion.</p>
+
+<p>"'I said so. Is there anything extraordinary in
+that!'</p>
+
+<p>"'Who are you?' demanded the officer, sternly.</p>
+
+<p>"'No matter about that. I am your friend.'</p>
+
+<p>"'How do I know that?' asked Nicholas, still more
+astonished.</p>
+
+<p>"'I will prove it. You are in love!'</p>
+
+<p>"'Most men are at some periods of their lives.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Very true, but <i>you</i> are in love <i>now</i>, and the lady
+of your affection is far above you in station.'</p>
+
+<p>"'How in heaven's name do you know this? Who
+are you?' exclaimed the officer, completely thrown off
+his guard, and staring wildly at his odd companion.</p>
+
+<p>"'It matters not how I know, or who I am. Let it
+suffice to say that I <i>do</i> know, and can aid you,' said
+the little man, with a more dignified air than he had
+before assumed. 'Restrain your feelings, and merely
+answer yes or no, to what I am about to say. You are
+loved by the lady?'</p>
+
+<p>"'I believe&mdash;or, rather, trust so.'</p>
+
+<p>"'She is the Countess Walewski?'</p>
+
+<p>"'No.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Her ward Olinska?'
+<!--282.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_283" id="Page_283">[p. 283]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'I shall answer no more questions,' said Nicholas,
+compressing his lips.</p>
+
+<p>"'Then, Mr. Officer, I will ask no more questions,
+but confine myself strictly to statements. You love
+Olinska, and have a rival in Admiral Praxin, who is
+favored by the Czar. So strong are your rival's
+claims that you have no resource save a clandestine
+marriage. You are now on your way to the hotel of
+the Countess, intending to perfect your plans with her
+aid, and baffle the Czar in his designs for the advantage
+of Admiral Praxin. Don't say a word to me
+now, you will receive a message before long. Good
+night, Nicholas Dimitri.'</p>
+
+<p>"The little man nodded his head most knowingly,
+and fairly ran off, leaving the astounded lover looking
+at the moon.</p>
+
+<p>"Nicholas remained perfectly still for some moments,
+looking vacantly upward, and then went on his
+way, like one who had just awakened from a strange
+dream.</p>
+
+<p>"'What can this mean?' he asked himself. 'This
+man, whom I never saw before, has told me of things
+which no mortal save myself should know, and he is
+even acquainted with my name. This matter must be
+quickly settled, or I shall be placed under arrest, with
+no hope for the future.'</p>
+
+<p>"Arriving presently at the door of an aristocratic
+mansion, he sent up his card, and was speedily ushered
+into an elegant boudoir, where a beautiful and richly-dressed
+lady was waiting to receive him. The Countess
+Walewski was not a young woman, yet the bloom of
+earlier years still lingered on her cheek, and the
+<!--283.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_284" id="Page_284">[p. 284]</a></span>
+sprightly vivacity of girlhood shot forth from her dark
+brown eyes.</p>
+
+<p>"'My dear Nicholas, you are behind time,' she said,
+giving her hand to the young officer, and causing
+him to take a seat beside her on a velvet couch. 'Lovers
+are not often tardy in keeping their appointments,
+but as I am not the lady, I must excuse you. Upon
+my word&mdash;I did not observe it before&mdash;you look discontented.
+Nothing has happened, I hope?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Dearest lady, we are betrayed!' answered Nicholas,
+gloomily.</p>
+
+<p>"'You are jesting.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Would to God, I were! A strange man encountered
+me in the street as I came hither&mdash;' and Nicholas
+gave a full account of his interview with the little
+man in green.</p>
+
+<p>"The Countess appeared much alarmed by the narration,
+and, for some moments after its conclusion, remained
+silent, but at length she recovered sufficient
+courage to reply,</p>
+
+<p>"'This is strange indeed&mdash;and yet, Nicholas, this
+man may be a member of the police, who, as you know,
+make themselves masters of our very thoughts. You
+say he expressed a desire to assist you, and declared
+himself your friend; he may have some object in this
+we know not of&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>"'No living man shall rob me of my prize,' interrupted
+Nicholas, passionately. 'Olinska will be guided
+by me, and before morning we will be far from the
+capital. There is no time to lose; we must hasten towards
+Moscow this very night. Where is she? Why
+is she not here to meet me?'
+<!--284.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_285" id="Page_285">[p. 285]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'Restrain your passion; be prudent, I entreat you,'
+exclaimed the Countess, grasping his wrists. 'Olinska
+loves you, and you alone; but I am her guardian, and
+she submits to my wishes, as duty bids her. Be yourself,
+Nicholas, and avoid any rash action. You cannot
+see Olinska to-night.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Has your ladyship combined with my enemies to
+make a madman of me?' asked the officer, with great
+bitterness.</p>
+
+<p>"'Have my actions been those of an enemy?' responded
+the Countess, with a reproachful smile. 'My
+dear Nicholas, I would have spared you a pang, but
+you compel me to tell all. My ward is to have an interview
+with Admiral Praxin to-morrow, by order of
+the Czar.'</p>
+
+<p>"'With Admiral Praxin!' exclaimed Nicholas, starting
+to his feet.</p>
+
+<p>"'Such is the truth. I do not believe that Peter
+will compel Olinska; but his command was imperative,
+and must be obeyed at all risks. Do not fear for
+Olinska&mdash;she is wholly yours, though a king should ask
+her hand. The Admiral can only sue to be rejected,
+and after that you must fly.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Lady, I submit to your wishes,' said Nicholas.
+'I honor the Czar, as all Russians should honor him,
+but Olinska shall be mine, though he should send a
+dozen admirals to thwart me.'</p>
+
+<p>"After some further consultation of a desultory character,
+the officer of Cossacks took his leave, and retired
+to a bed rendered sleepless by doubts and fears.</p>
+
+<p>"On the following morning, before he had completed
+his toilet, a servant entered the apartment to
+<!--285.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_286" id="Page_286">[p. 286]</a></span>
+announce a visitor, followed by a little creature, not
+more than three feet in height, dressed in a livery of
+blue and silver.</p>
+
+<p>"'This gentleman desired to speak with you, sir, immediately,'
+said the grinning servant, pointing to the
+new comer, and bowing himself out of the room.</p>
+
+<p>"The minute specimen of humanity said not a word,
+but assumed an air of great consequence, and with
+much ceremony presented a letter. Nicholas could
+not repress a smile at the messenger's grotesque appearance,
+but his mirth sobered into surprise when he
+read as follows:</p>
+
+<p>"'<span class="smcap">Nicholas Dimitri</span>: The bearer of this missive is
+my servant, who will be of great service to both you
+and myself, in events about to transpire. Answer his
+questions without hesitation, and rest assured that
+Olinska shall be yours, despite the Czar and Admiral
+Praxin, or I am much mistaken. I will be present at
+the wedding. Your friend,</p>
+
+<p>
+"'<span class="smcap">The Little Man in Green.</span>'<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>"The young officer dropped the note from his hand,
+and eyed the dwarf in silent amazement.</p>
+
+<p>"'Is that your death warrant?' asked the latter,
+ironically.</p>
+
+<p>"'Who wrote this?' demanded Nicholas.</p>
+
+<p>"'My master.'</p>
+
+<p>"'And who is your master?'</p>
+
+<p>"'The Little Man in Green. Ha! ha!' laughed the
+dwarf.
+<!--286.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_287" id="Page_287">[p. 287]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'His name? I must know his name!' exclaimed
+Nicholas.</p>
+
+<p>"The abbreviated Mercury placed a finger beside
+his little nose, in a very knowing manner, at the same
+time winking sagaciously.</p>
+
+<p>"'I can answer no such question,' he said; 'my
+master desires to remain <i>incog.</i> at present. My name
+is Orloff, and I wish you to answer one inquiry: Does
+the ward of the Countess Walewski have an interview
+with Admiral Praxin to-day?'</p>
+
+<p>"'She does.'</p>
+
+<p>"'That is sufficient; you will hear from me soon,'
+and Orloff fled through the open door, with a speed
+truly marvelous.</p>
+
+<p>"Nicholas called after him in vain, and then called
+his servant to dress him, with a vague apprehension of
+evil, and a belief that no lover ever had so many to
+assist his wooing as himself.</p>
+
+<div class="center"><pre>       *       *       *       *       *</pre></div>
+
+<p>"Olinska, the daughter of a noble Polish family,
+was deprived of her parents at an early age, and selected
+for her guardian the high-minded Countess
+Walewski. Her childish years were spent in Warsaw,
+the city of her forefathers; but the Countess was
+obliged to remain at St. Petersburg, being a member
+of the Czarina's household, and thither she called her
+ward, to be presented at court, and drown the memory
+of her sorrows in the gaieties of the capital.</p>
+
+<p>"Young, beautiful and unsophisticated, chaperoned
+by an illustrious lady, and reputed to be heiress of
+<!--287.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_288" id="Page_288">[p. 288]</a></span>
+great wealth, the Polish maiden speedily became the
+magnet and toast of a brilliant circle, and a prize for
+which scores of young nobles contended. But the
+heart of Olinska was not to be purchased with titles,
+and while the scions of aristocracy knelt vainly at her
+feet, she bestowed her virgin affections upon Dimitri,
+whose silent homage defeated that of all others, with
+its proud, peculiar dignity. Military rank is esteemed
+by the Russians as little inferior to that of inheritance;
+yet they acknowledge a difference, and the line drawn
+between them by the usages of society cannot be overstepped
+with impunity. The young officer, although
+admitted into court circles, was aware of the distance
+between himself and the lady in a social sense; but
+the encouragement she gave him, so insensibly drew
+them together, that disparity of birth was forgotten,
+and love&mdash;the great leveller of conditions&mdash;reigned
+paramount.</p>
+
+<p>"However misanthropically a man may express his
+indifference to the world's opinion, we are all, more or
+less, its most subservient slaves, and although Nicholas
+Dimitri assured his idol that the gossip of fashionables
+was nothing to him, he deemed it proper to solicit the
+kind offices of the Countess, as a go-between; and apparently
+visited the guardian, when, in reality, the fair
+ward was the object of his intentions.</p>
+
+<p>"Peter the Great, who, at that period, occupied the
+throne of Russia, had an unpleasant habit of rewarding
+his bachelor friends for worthy deeds, with the
+hand of some fair maiden of his court; and, having beheld
+the Polish lady, he resolved to bestow her upon
+Admiral Praxin, who, though often regarded with suspicion
+<!--288.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_289" id="Page_289">[p. 289]</a></span>
+by his sovereign, had lately rendered 'the state
+good service.' Olinska repulsed the old sailor's advances
+with disdain; but the Czar requested her to
+grant him a private interview, and a request from such
+a source being synonymous with a command, the lady
+felt obliged to grant it.</p>
+
+<p>"Alone she sat, in a gorgeously furnished apartment,
+when the Admiral was announced, her sable
+locks shading a neck and bosom that rivalled the snow
+in their whiteness, and supporting her head with a
+hand of nature's choicest modeling.</p>
+
+<p>"Admiral Praxin was a man in the 'sere and yellow
+leaf' of meridian life. His form was firm and upright,
+and his costume was that of a youthful courtier;
+but deep wrinkles tracked his brow with the footprints
+of age, and his hair had caught the snow-flakes
+of the mountain's farther side. That foretaste of eternal
+torments, the gout, had rather confused the measure
+of his tread, and the stout old Admiral entered the
+lady's presence with an ungraceful limp.</p>
+
+<p>"As he passed into the room, a little figure clad in
+blue and silver, followed him noiselessly and, with
+wonderful agility, darted behind a curtain of the window.</p>
+
+<p>"Olinska received her admirer with some embarrassment,
+which he seemed at first to reciprocate; but
+at length, after many leers and grimaces, his countenance
+assumed a determined expression, and he went
+directly to the point.</p>
+
+<p>"'Madam,' he said, 'you can scarcely be ignorant
+of the object for which I now visit you; nor can you
+feel more deeply than I the extremely unpleasant position
+<!--289.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_290" id="Page_290">[p. 290]</a></span>
+in which we are both placed, by the desire of
+Peter. Aside from the duty I owe my sovereign of
+submitting entirely to his will, I have a sentiment in
+my heart, which, should it find a reflection in yours,
+will make me the happiest of men. My title and fortune
+are trifles; but the sentiment of love for yourself, united
+to that of loyal obedience, may, perhaps, be deemed
+by you as more powerful suitors for your hand and
+heart.'</p>
+
+<p>"'It were foolish in me to pretend to misunderstand
+you, my lord,' replied Olinska, with dignity. 'I am
+aware that the Czar favors your suit, and looks upon
+me as a fitting bride for one whom he delights to honor;
+but, greatly as I honor and respect both my sovereign
+and yourself, I must positively refuse obedience in this
+instance, and assume the right to act for myself. I am
+deeply grateful to you, my lord, for your intended
+kindness, but must, with all due respect, reject your
+offer, and close our interview.'</p>
+
+<p>"As she spoke, her bosom heaved with emotions
+boiling within, her eye flashed, and the right of woman
+to maintain her prerogative shone from every feature.</p>
+
+<p>"'Consider well, lady, before you drive me to despair
+by such cruelty!' exclaimed the Admiral, with
+vehemence. 'Consider what you are casting aside as
+worthless. I have influence at court beyond that of
+the most powerful; the very Czar fears to offend me,
+and the wife of Admiral Praxin will be second only to
+the imperial Catherine in grandeur and dominion. Let
+me hope that this is only maiden coyness, and that deliberation
+may alter your decision.'</p>
+
+<p>"'I will not deceive you, my lord,' responded the
+<!--290.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_291" id="Page_291">[p. 291]</a></span>
+lady, 'by awaking hopes which can never be realized.
+My hand shall never be yielded to any man by compulsion,
+or implied claims which I do not acknowledge;
+nor do I recognize any other right than my own
+to dispose of it. Dwell upon the subject no longer, or
+your title to the name of friend will be forfeited. Allow
+me to retire.'</p>
+
+<p>"Dismay was betrayed in every lineament of the
+sailor's countenance, as he marked the firm tones in
+which these words were spoken; but anger quickly
+took its place as he asked, with a glance of suspicion,</p>
+
+<p>"'Lady, have I a rival?'</p>
+
+<p>"Olinska answered not, and arose to leave the apartment,
+when Praxin quickly intercepted her, and fell
+upon his knees.</p>
+
+<p>"'Olinska, you shall not leave me thus!' he exclaimed,
+in tones hoarse with excitement. 'If love
+will not incline you to accept me, let ambition do it.
+<i>I have the power to place you on the throne of Russia</i>,
+if you but say the word; your own countrymen, the
+refugees from Sweden, and twenty thousand discontented
+serfs will rise at my bidding; the navy is mine,
+and, by a wave of the hand, I can become an Emperor.'</p>
+
+<p>"With a look of the most unmitigated disdain, the
+lady regarded the supplicant at her feet.</p>
+
+<p>"'I will not parley longer with a <i>traitor</i>,' she said,
+in tones so cold and piercing that he involuntarily recoiled
+from her, and she walked from the apartment
+with a queenly air.</p>
+
+<p>"'I'll be revenged for this,' muttered the discarded
+suitor, as, with a frowning brow, he took his departure.
+<!--291.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_292" id="Page_292">[p. 292]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Then forth sprang Orloff from his place of concealment,
+with a smile of no ordinary magnitude distorting
+his little face.</p>
+
+<p>"'Good! and now for the Countess!' he exclaimed,
+following the Admiral.</p>
+
+<p>"Meanwhile, Nicholas had wandered about the city
+in a most pitiable state of apprehension, and was about
+to rush madly to the hotel of the Countess, when he
+beheld the dwarf hastening toward him, carrying a
+letter at arm's length.</p>
+
+<p>"'Here&mdash;from the Countess,' ejaculated Orloff,
+panting for breath, and handing him the missive.
+Nicholas hastily tore it open, and read:</p>
+
+<p>"'<span class="smcap">Dear Nicholas</span>:&mdash;Olinska has had an interview
+with the Admiral, and, from its results, I fear the
+worst. Have a chaise and four, at the private door of
+my hotel before sunset to-day. You may trust Orloff.</p>
+
+<p>
+"'In haste,      <span class="smcap">Walewski</span>.'<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>"'Shall I engage the conveyance?' asked the dwarf,
+with a grin.</p>
+
+<p>"'Yes! I will trust you,' replied the excited officer.</p>
+
+<p>"'You will find all in readiness, at the private door,
+by four o'clock!' said Orloff, and he disappeared as
+quickly as he came.</p>
+
+<p>"At the appointed hour, Nicholas repaired to the
+spot where a chaise and its attendants were awaiting
+him, and right speedily a muffled figure emerged from
+the private door, and touched his arm.</p>
+
+<p>"'Olinska, dearest Olinska.'
+<!--292.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_293" id="Page_293">[p. 293]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'Let us hasten, Nicholas, I fear we are betrayed,'
+answered Olinska, trembling in his arms.</p>
+
+<p>"The officer quickly placed her in the chaise, and the
+horses had made their first spring forward when a great
+tumult arose in the street, and looking forth from a
+window of the vehicle, Nicholas beheld, to his dismay,
+half a score of imperial cavalry galloping furiously toward
+him.</p>
+
+<p>"'Onward! onward!' he shouted to the drivers,
+and sank back upon his seat beside the fainting girl.</p>
+
+<p>"At the top of their speed fled the four chaise horses,
+making the vehicle bounce from the earth as
+though it were composed entirely of springs; but they
+were no match for the full-blooded animals of the cavalry,
+and the latter soon came up with them.</p>
+
+<p>"'Stop, in the name of the Czar,' said the leader,
+drawing his sword.</p>
+
+<p>"At the command, the postillions dropped their
+reins, and the chaise came to a dead halt. Then the
+door was burst open; and Nicholas, with a pistol in
+each hand, sprang into the road.</p>
+
+<p>"'Gentlemen,' he said hurriedly, 'you must allow
+me to proceed; the die is cast, and there is no turning
+back. Stand aside, sirs, I do not wish to shed your
+blood.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Colonel Dimitri,' answered the leader, 'we are
+sorry that such is our duty, but the Czar has ordered
+us to apprehend you and your companion; and carry
+you before him; I therefore apprehend you in the
+name of Czar.'</p>
+
+<p>"'This is tyranny and I will resist it to the last,'
+exclaimed the excited lover. 'I have not broken the
+<!--293.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_294" id="Page_294">[p. 294]</a></span>
+laws, and am no political criminal. Why should I be
+treated thus? You may take me gentlemen, but not
+alive.'</p>
+
+<p>"'We must do our duty,' answered the other. 'Surround
+and disarm him,' he added, turning to his followers.</p>
+
+<p>"The soldiers approached to obey his orders, and
+the desperate colonel had levelled his weapons, when
+Olinska, sprang from the chaise and knelt upon the
+ground before him.</p>
+
+<p>"'Submit, Nicholas; for my sake submit,' she exclaimed,
+energetically, clasping her hands towards
+him.</p>
+
+<p>"Nicholas regarded her attentively for a moment,
+and then lowered his weapons.</p>
+
+<p>"'I am your prisoner,' he said; 'take me where you
+will.'</p>
+
+<p>"The captured pair, were returned to the vehicle,
+the horses' heads were turned, and in silence they proceeded
+to the palace of the Czar.</p>
+
+<p>"The imperial mansion was very different in those
+days from what it now is. No gaudy trappings, neither
+external nor internal, proclaimed the abode of royalty;
+for Peter the Great appealed to hearts, not the
+eyes of his subjects, and for the inspection of foreigners
+he had an army, unrivaled in discipline and accoutrements,
+by any in Europe. A small ante-chamber,
+plainly furnished, and adorned with various models of
+ships, paintings, and rude implements of warfare led
+into the hall of audience, equally unostentatious,
+and the imperial dining saloon, plain as that of an ordinary
+tradesman.
+<!--294.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_295" id="Page_295">[p. 295]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Into the latter apartment, Nicholas and Olinska
+were led by their captors, pale and silent, but undismayed.</p>
+
+<p>"A long table, bearing on its centre an immense
+pie, was loaded with a rich repast; and about it, were
+seated the most distinguished nobles and generals of
+the empire, and Admiral Praxin; while at its head, on
+elevated seats, appeared the Czar and Czarina.</p>
+
+<p>"'Ha! here are the two fugitives!' exclaimed Peter,
+observing the entrance of the party and approaching
+them.</p>
+
+<p>"Nicholas started at the sound of that voice, and
+looking up, recognized in his sovereign, <i>The Little
+Man in Green</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"'Your pardon, sire!' he exclaimed falling upon his
+knees, and remembering with the great trepidation
+how scurvily he had treated royalty in disguise.</p>
+
+<p>"'Arise, Colonel Dimitri,' said the Czar kindly;
+'you need not think of what has past; I am satisfied
+that you are a true and loyal subject. But what possessed
+you to run away with this little rebel, man? Did
+you not know that she was affianced to Admiral Praxin?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Pardon me sire, I did not,' answered Nicholas.</p>
+
+<p>"'And you Olinska; you have disregarded our
+wishes, and thrown the gallant admiral overboard?' continued
+Peter, addressing the trembling girl, with a
+mixture of severity and good-nature.</p>
+
+<p>"Olinska bowed her head.</p>
+
+<p>"'What say you Praxin? Are you willing to yield
+your bride to the army, and let the navy remain a
+bachelor?'</p>
+
+<p>"The Admiral had turned all colors, at the first entrance
+<!--295.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_296" id="Page_296">[p. 296]</a></span>
+of Olinska, but marking that she remained silent,
+he plucked up sufficient courage to reply.</p>
+
+<p>"'I cannot accept the lady's hand without her
+heart.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Did you sue for them like a man?' demanded
+Peter, sternly.</p>
+
+<p>"'I hope so, your majesty.'</p>
+
+<p>"'You lie, base traitor!' thundered the Czar, eyeing
+him with a glance that chilled his blood.</p>
+
+<p>"'Has <i>she</i> betrayed me?' ejaculated Praxin, turning
+deadly pale, and involuntarily clutching the handle
+of his sword.</p>
+
+<p>"'No,' answered Peter in hoarse tones, 'witness,
+come forth.'</p>
+
+<p>"At that moment, the upper covering of the great
+pie was observed to move, and in another instant, it
+was thrown back, discovering the mighty Orloff,
+seated within the dish.</p>
+
+<p>"'God save the Czar!' said the dwarf, rising and
+stepping forth upon the table, with a bow of studied
+politeness.</p>
+
+<p>"'Orloff, point out the traitor,' said Peter.</p>
+
+<p>"Orloff assumed an air of great penetration, and
+pointed toward the Admiral, who stood alone, with
+his back against the wall, a perfect picture of despairing
+guilt.</p>
+
+<p>"'That is the man,' said the dwarf.</p>
+
+<p>"'Give your proof.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Your majesty must know, that I was present while
+Admiral Praxin was wooing the lady Olinska, and
+heard him say that your majesty dared not offend him;
+he also declared that she had but to say the word, and
+<!--296.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_297" id="Page_297">[p. 297]</a></span>
+he would make her an Empress, explaining how he had
+the Poles, the Serfs, the Swedish refugees, and the navy
+at his command, ready at his bidding to make him
+Emperor of Russia.'</p>
+
+<p>"'What say you to this charge?' demanded Peter.</p>
+
+<p>"Praxin had regained somewhat of composure during
+the dwarf's speech; and at its conclusion he approached
+the Czar and falling upon his knees, surrendered
+his sword and belt.</p>
+
+<p>"'I am guilty,' he said, in firm tones. 'Take my
+sword, gracious sovereign, and with it receive back the
+commission I have forever disgraced. In a moment
+of ungovernable passion I spoke words which should
+have choked me ere I uttered them, and which I
+would give my life to recall. I desire no mercy; yet
+I would ask forgiveness of Olinska, for daring to
+breathe treason in her presence.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Let us both forget it,' said Olinska, gently.</p>
+
+<p>"'Alas <i>I</i> can never forget it,' he replied, pressing
+her hands to his lips, and resuming his former attitude.</p>
+
+<p>"The Czar gazed some moments attentively and
+silently upon the face of Praxin, as though to read his
+inmost soul, and then turning to Nicholas, he said:</p>
+
+<p>"'Colonel Dimitri, it is but just that I should
+explain my conduct to you and Olinska, as it was by
+making an unconscious tool of you that I have ferreted
+this matter out. I intended that Olinska should
+have wedded the Admiral, not knowing that her affections
+had been given to another; but lately I have
+distrusted him and ordered a spy of the police to
+watch him closely. My agent speedily brought me
+<!--297.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_298" id="Page_298">[p. 298]</a></span>
+news of <i>your</i> engagement, and your intended course;
+and I resolved to throw myself in your way, and
+gain a slight knowledge of your character. You know
+how I succeeded in that attempt. I also requested
+Olinska to receive the Admiral privately, and sent
+Orloff to be present&mdash;though concealed&mdash;at the interview.
+The Countess Walewski was made acquainted
+with my plans, by the dwarf, and hence your presence
+here. As a punishment for an attempt to outwit
+me, I command that you be married before you
+leave the palace. As for you, Admiral,' he continued,
+turning to Praxin, 'in consideration of the many services
+you have rendered us, I grant you a free pardon.
+You have been humiliated in the eyes of your
+friends, and have failed to win a prize worthy of my
+best subject. May you learn the lesson that passion
+will not always excuse dangerous words, nor is a sovereign's
+leniency everlasting.'</p>
+
+<p>"Universal rejoicings followed this generous speech,
+and the victims of the royal whim retired from the
+imperial palace, married&mdash;for better or worse."</p>
+
+<p>This Russian tale sent us all home very thirsty, my
+boy; for its effect was very dry.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Yours, weariedly,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<!--298.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_299" id="Page_299">[p. 299]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><a name="LETTER_LXXIV" id="LETTER_LXXIV"></a>LETTER LXXIV.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>CONCERNING THE SERIOUS MISTAKE OF THE VENERABLE GAMMON,
+THE CHAPLAIN'S POETICAL DISCOVERY, THE PROMOTION OF COMMODORE
+HEAD, AND THE RECEPTION OF THE PRESIDENT'S PROCLAMATION
+BY THE SOUTHERN CONFEDERACY.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, October 12th, 1862.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>The Southern Confederacy having delayed to sue
+for peace, my boy, until the safety of Washington requires
+that national strategy should continue metaphysical
+hostilities, it may be as well for you and me as a
+nation to prepare for a speedy commencement of War
+in earnest. The North, my boy, has not begun to
+fight yet; and as the stolid centuries roll on, and the
+hoary years move one by one into the sunless solitude
+of Eternity, it becomes daily more evident that the
+North's actual putting forth of all its strength is
+merely a question of time. The giant is only just
+rousing from his slumbers, and nothing but his legs
+and feet appear to be thoroughly awake yet.</p>
+
+<p>Now, is the time, my boy, for the idiotic Confederacy
+to save himself, by returning penitently to that
+beneficent Government which would have realized
+the millenium at half-past two o'clock on the Fourth
+of July, 1776, but for the unseemly villainy of the
+<!--299.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_300" id="Page_300">[p. 300]</a></span>
+accursed Black Republicans, many of whom are
+shortly to be hung.</p>
+
+<p>That is to say, such is the opinion of the Venerable
+Gammon, whose benignant presence is believed to
+have proved the salvation of our distracted country in
+the Revolutionary War, though I can find nothing,
+except his protecting patriarchal deportment toward
+all the present universe, to justify the idea that he
+ever benefited anything. It soothes the human soul,
+my boy, to hear this Venerable man discoursing on
+the most trite subjects in tones, and with an air calculated
+to bless all created things as with a paternal benediction.
+Surrounded by a number of his idolatrous
+national children, and standing in front of Willard's
+the other evening, he pointed fatly to a bright star
+overhead, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"That star is like our country. That star," says
+the Venerable Gammon, with a meaningless smile of angelic
+purity, "is like any other star on our flag;
+<i>though clouds may hide it in its ascending node, it is
+still knowed to be ascending</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Then everybody felt cheered with the peaceful conviction
+that Columbia was saved at last; and it's my
+private belief, my boy&mdash;my private belief, that the attached
+populace looked upon this good old man as the
+one who had made the star.</p>
+
+<p>Yet, strange as it may seem, this venerable Benefactor
+made a little mistake on Tuesday. A sportive
+young chap came to him with a newspaper in his hand,
+and says he: "Let me see if you can tell, my <i>Pater
+Patria</i>, what paper this article is in"&mdash;and proceeded
+to read the following high-minded editorial:
+<!--300.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_301" id="Page_301">[p. 301]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<p class="gentitle">"TREASON OF THE BLACK REPUBLICANS.</p>
+
+<p>"True to their foul instincts, the Greely, Cheever,
+and Wendell Phillips herd of treasonable fanatics are
+now accusing their 'Honest Old Abe' of ruining the
+country. It was their votes that elected the rail-splitter,
+and now they turn tail upon him and howl maledictions
+because he will not carry out their fiendish
+intents by erecting a revolutionary guillotine in every
+Northern town and city. That blasphemous mountebank,
+Beecher, may as well cease his treasonable impiety
+at once; for he and his Sharps'-rifle crew are
+responsible for the present bankruptcy of the whole
+country, and the people will yet hold them to strict account
+for every drop of blood that has been and will
+be shed in this unnatural strife."</p>
+
+<p>When sportive chap ceased reading, the Venerable
+Gammon waved his obese hand with the fond, familiar
+air of a pleased benignity, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"Of course, I know what paper that is, my son. I
+know the ring of those sterling conservative sentiments,"
+says the Venerable Gammon, with calm satisfaction,
+"and am blessed in the knowledge that our
+loyal New York Herald is still true to the Constitution
+and to the principles of my old friend, Georgey Washington&mdash;or
+'old Wash,' as he permitted me to call
+him."</p>
+
+<p>The sportive chap softly picked his teeth with a wisp
+from a broom, and says he: "But this ain't the Herald
+<!--301.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_302" id="Page_302">[p. 302]</a></span>
+at all, you dear old soul; it's a copy of the Richmond
+Whig!" It was at this very moment, my boy, that
+the Venerable Gammon was first attacked by that
+dreadful cough which put an end to all further conversation,
+and has since excited the most fearful
+apprehensions lest a bereaved country should suddenly
+be called to mourn the untimely loss of its benign
+idol.</p>
+
+<p>On Tuesday afternoon, I had a talk with the Mackerel
+chaplain, who had remained here over Sunday to
+administer consolation to a dying brigadier, and was
+grievously wounded in spirit to find that the telegraph
+had committed a trifling breach of spelling, and that
+that brigadier was only dyeing his hair, which had
+suddenly turned white in a single night on the strength
+of a rumor that there might be some fighting in the
+morning.</p>
+
+<p>The Mackerel chaplain, my boy, is of inestimable
+value to a wounded man, his vivid and spiritual manner
+of describing the celebrated Fire Department of
+the other world being a source of unspeakable comfort
+and reassurance to the sufferer. "I am afraid you
+have led a sinful life, my fellow-worm," says he to the
+sick Mackerel, "and can only advise you to buy one
+of these hymn-books from me, which I can afford to
+sell for six shillings."</p>
+
+<p>But what the chaplain talked to me about, was his
+discovery, at a village not far from Winchester, of a
+new
+<!--302.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_303" id="Page_303">[p. 303]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 6em">"PICCIOLA."</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">It was a Sergeant old and gray,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Well singed and bronzed from siege and pillage,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Went tramping in an army's wake,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Along the turnpike of the village.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">For days and nights the winding host<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Had through the little place been marching,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And ever loud the rustics cheered,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">'Till ev'ry throat was hoarse and parching.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The Squire and Farmer, maid and dame,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">All took the sight's electric stirring,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And hats were waved and staves were sung,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And kerchiefs white were countless whirring.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">They only saw a gallant show<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Of heroes stalwart under banners,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And in the fierce heroic glow,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">'Twas theirs to yield but wild hosannahs<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The Sergeant heard the shrill hurrahs,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Where he behind in step was keeping;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But glancing down beside the road<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">He saw a little maid sit weeping.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"And how is this?" he gruffly said,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">A moment pausing to regard her;&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Why weepest thou, my little chit?"&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And then she only cried the harder.<br /></span>
+<!--303.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_304" id="Page_304">[p. 304]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"And how is this, my little chit?"<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The sturdy trooper straight repeated,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"When all the village cheers us on,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That you, in tears, apart are seated?<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"We march two hundred thousand strong!<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And that's a sight, my baby beauty,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To quicken silence into song<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And glorify the soldier's duty."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"It's very, very grand, I know,"<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The little maid gave soft replying;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"And Father, Mother, Brother too,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">All say 'Hurrah' while I am crying;<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"But think&mdash;O Mr. Soldier, think,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">How many little sisters' brothers<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Are going all away to fight<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And may be <i>killed</i>, as well as others!"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Why bless thee, child," the Sergeant said,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">His brawny hands her curls caressing,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"'Tis left for little ones like you<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To find that War's not all a blessing."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And "Bless thee!" once again he cried;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Then cleared his throat and looked indignant,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And marched away with wrinkled brow<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To stop the struggling tear benignant.<br /></span>
+<!--304.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_305" id="Page_305">[p. 305]</a></span></div></div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And still the ringing shouts went up<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">From doorway, thatch, and fields of tillage;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The pall behind the standard seen<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">By one alone, of all the village.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The oak and cedar bend and writhe<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">When roars the wind through gap and braken;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But 'tis the tenderest reed of all<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">That trembles first when Earth is shaken.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>It is with infinite satisfaction, my boy, that I record
+the recognition of Commodore Head's priceless services
+on Duck Lake by the Secretary of the Navy. Our
+grim old son of Neptune is created Rear-Admiral, with
+the privilege of snubbing gunboat captains, receiving
+serenades, attending launches, and lavishing untold
+scorn upon the feeble imitations of affrighted Europe.</p>
+
+<p>Hence, there would appear to be an imperative demand
+in current literature for an authoritative</p>
+
+
+<p class="center">SKETCH OF COMMODORE HEAD.</p>
+
+<p>This venerable ornament of our peerless naval service,
+to whom the eyes of the whole world are now directed,
+was born of one of his parents at an early period
+of his existence, and has since incurred the years
+temporarily elapsing between that epoch and the present
+auspicious occasion. The subject of our brief biography
+entered the navy when he was only fifty years
+<!--305.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_306" id="Page_306">[p. 306]</a></span>
+old, as commander of the Mackerel iron-plated squadron
+on Duck Lake, where he became widely noted for
+success in fishing, as well as for his skill in eluding vessels
+running the blockade. At one time, indeed, he came
+very near capturing a Confederate ram, being only
+prevented by failing to find the key of the box containing
+his spectacles in time to reconnoiter the wily
+foe. Commodore Head's conversation concerning the
+speedy capture of Vicksburg, Charleston, Savannah
+and Mobile, is instructive to all minds, and his promotion
+is an event calculated to prove that the war is
+about to begin in earnest.</p>
+
+<div style="padding-top: 1.5em"></div>
+
+<p>Rear-Admirals, my boy, are an aristocratic institution;
+and their creation must serve to convince besotted
+Europe, that in making a naval distinction between
+rank and file, our discriminating Government knows
+how to compromise matters by bestowing a new rank
+upon an old file.</p>
+
+<p>It was on Wednesday that my architectural steed,
+the Gothic Pegasus, renewed his usual weekly journey
+to desolated Accomac, cheerfully conveying me thither
+at a speed that did not keep the same roadside house
+in view more than half an hour at a time. Having
+hitched the funereal stallion to a copy of Senator Sumner's
+recent Faneuil Hall speech, believing that document
+sufficiently heavy to hold him, I gave him a discarded
+straw-hat of mine for his dinner, and strolled
+into the Mackerel camp.</p>
+
+<p>To the everlasting disgrace of our rulers be it said,
+my boy, I found the devoted Mackerel Brigade progressing
+<!--306.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_307" id="Page_307">[p. 307]</a></span>
+toward deep suffering at a rate which made
+me thank Heaven that I owned no chickens within
+sight of the harrowing scene. Being thoughtlessly
+supplied with three days' rations at a time, these neglected
+martyrs incur all the perils of suffocation and
+cruel nightmare by doing nothing on the first day but
+eat from morning till night, what is left over at midnight
+being used to pelt each other with. Then for
+two whole days these gallant men who are fighting our
+battles find famine staring them in the face, and I actually
+heard one emaciated Mackerel chap offering a
+whole week's pay to another Mackerel chap for a Confederate
+cracker which he had picked up in a field,
+wishing to consign that cracker to his friends at home
+as a sample of the unnatural food with which an ungrateful
+Republic feeds its faithful soldiers. I even
+found many Mackerels without knapsacks and blankets,
+which they had lost in adventures at "Old Sledge";
+and there was that in the countenances of others which
+sured me that their poor faces had not been washed
+since the commencement of the war!</p>
+
+<p>My soul turns sick at these things, my boy, and they
+even have an effect upon a beholder's stomach. To
+think that our noble volunteers, our country's preservers,
+should be subjected to sufferings in which they
+have not even the poor consolation of knowing that
+somebody else than themselves is responsible therefor.</p>
+
+<p>Reflectively I turned from the scene of agony, and
+had rambled some fifteen minutes in an adjacent bit of
+woods, when the sound of voices near by made me
+<!--307.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_308" id="Page_308">[p. 308]</a></span>
+stop short behind a tree and peer eagerly through an
+opening in the nearest thicket.</p>
+
+<p>Seated just beyond some evergreen bushes were four
+dilapidated Confederacies, solemnly discussing the
+great Emancipation Proclamation of our Honest Abe;
+whilst close by them, and astride of a mossy stone, was
+the accomplished swordsman, Captain Munchausen,
+frantically, and with many hiccups, endeavoring at
+one and the same time to catch a phantom fly and
+maintain his equestrian position.</p>
+
+<p>One of the Confederacies took a bite from a cold
+potato which he held in his hand, and, says he:</p>
+
+<p>"I reckon that it's near time for the unsubjugated
+South to adopt Retaliatory measures, and proclaim
+that all prisoners hereafter taken by the Confederacy
+shall be previously shot and made into bone-ornaments."</p>
+
+<p>Here Captain Munchausen burst into an unseemly
+peal of laughter as he made another wild clutch at
+the phantom-fly, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"Wher&mdash;where's Mary's&mdash;ary's&mdash;snuff-box?"</p>
+
+<p>Not perceiving that this special remark was relevant
+to the question in view, a second Confederacy
+merely tightened the string which held his inexpressibles
+in place, and, says he:</p>
+
+<p>"What has been proposed by the Honorable Gentleman
+from the Alms House is not sufficiently severe.
+No mercy should be shown to the Washington demon,
+and I move that any Federal soldiers found disturbing
+a Confederacy during the progress of a battle shall be
+at once executed for arson."</p>
+
+<p>The impression created by this motion extended
+<!--308.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_309" id="Page_309">[p. 309]</a></span>
+even to Captain Munchausen, who fell flat on his face
+in a frantic attempt to catch the spectral insect, and
+exclaimed, in tones of awful solemnity:</p>
+
+<p>"I don't want (hic) to be marri&mdash;ry&mdash;arried&mdash;Hic!"</p>
+
+<p>After a moment's pause, the third Confederacy finished
+buttoning his coat with a bit of corn-cob, and
+says he:</p>
+
+<p>"I move that the last Resolution be amended, to
+make it a capital crime for any person whatever to be
+guilty of Federal extraction."</p>
+
+<p>Now, it chanced, my boy, that there was a Mackerel
+picket eating a confiscated watermelon in a clump of
+bushes close behind me; and just at this crisis of the
+debate, he casually tossed a piece of the rind in the direction
+of the Confederacies. It happened to fall in
+their midst, whereupon the enraged statesmen were
+seized with great tremblings, and immediately skedaddled
+in all directions, the last being Captain Munchausen,
+who at first endeavored to carry a rock of some
+hundred pounds' weight away with him, and ultimately
+retreated in a highly-circuitous manner, with
+an expression of abject despair under his cap.</p>
+
+<p>It is said, my boy, that the celebrated Confederacy
+will resent the Proclamation by raising the Black Flag.
+It is a common belief, that if such be the case, it will
+be the duty of our generals to raise the blacks without
+flagging.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Yours, if it come to that,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr.</span><br /></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<!--309.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_310" id="Page_310">[p. 310]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><a name="LETTER_LXXV" id="LETTER_LXXV"></a>LETTER LXXV.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>SETTING FORTH THE FALSE AND TRUE ASPECTS OF BEAMING OLD
+AGE RESPECTIVELY, AND SHOWING HOW THE UNBLUSHING CONFEDERACY
+MADE ANOTHER RAID.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, October 19th, 1862.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>It is a beautiful and improving thing, my boy, to
+see the wise and polished mob of a great nation paying
+unmitigated reverence to fussy gray hairs, and
+much shirt collar; and hence I never grew tired of
+considering the dignified case of the Venerable Gammon,
+whom everybody regards as the benign paternal
+relative of his country. When I see Generals, Senators,
+and other proprietors of Government property,
+hanging breathlessly upon the words of this sublime
+old man, just as though such words were so many gallows,
+I feel the cause of Justice typified to my mind's
+eye, and am myself enthusiastic enough to believe
+that hanging is too good for them. Whether at Willard's,
+the White House, the Capitol, or in his native
+Mugville, the Venerable Gammon is ever the same
+beneficent being, beaming blandly upon the whole
+universe from above his ruffles, and paternally permitting
+it to exist in his presence.</p>
+
+<p>The precise thing he has done in his fearfully long
+<!--310.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_311" id="Page_311">[p. 311]</a></span>
+lifetime, my boy, to beget such an agony of love and
+worship from everybody, has not yet come to the
+immediate knowledge of anybody; but he is the moss-grown
+oracle of the United States of America, and it
+gives me unspeakable satisfaction to reproduce as follows,
+his benign letter of advice to the idolized General
+of the Mackerel Brigade:</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+<span class="smcap">Mugville</span>, July 4, 1776.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Dear Sirrah,</span>&mdash;Justly regarding you as the next
+President of the United States, and an honored successor
+of my old friend, Georgey Washington, I deem
+it proper, by reason of my great importance and infirmities,
+to repeat in writing with a pen what I have
+before spoken to you with my tongue&mdash;this supplement
+to my printed views (dated April the First) on
+the highly inflamed condition of our glorious and
+distracted Union.</p>
+
+<p>To meet the expectations of a populace admiring
+my venerable shape, I deem it consistent with my retiring
+modesty and infirmities to dictate to you the
+four plans you may pursue by way of making yourself
+President of our distracted Commonwealth in 1865.</p>
+
+<p>I.&mdash;Throw off the old and assume a new designation&mdash;the
+sly old party; give the South entire control
+of the whole country, and, my wig upon it, we shall
+have no secession; but, on the contrary, an early return
+of the entire Confederacy to Washington. Without
+some equally benignant measure, we shall be compelled
+to fight all the Border States and put them
+<!--311.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_312" id="Page_312">[p. 312]</a></span>
+down at once, instead of keeping two hundred thousand
+soldiers peaceably employed in making their loyalty
+continually sure.</p>
+
+<p>II.&mdash;Collect the war taxes outside of the States
+where the tax-payers live, or declare upon paper that
+they are already collected.</p>
+
+<p>III.&mdash;Conquer the seceded States by the unheard-of
+agency of an actual army. I think this might be
+done in a few hundred years by a young and able
+general to be found on some railroad, with six hundred
+thousand disciplined spades. Estimating a third
+of this number to remain for ever stationary on the
+Potomac, and a loss of a still greater number by consummate
+strategy and changings of base. The loss of
+chickens and contrabands on the other side would be
+frightful, however great the morality of the mudsills.</p>
+
+<p>This conquest would cost money that might otherwise
+go to beautify the South, secure fifteen
+swearing and deeply-offended provinces, and be immediately
+followed by a new election for President in
+1865.</p>
+
+<p>IV.&mdash;Say to the Seceded States, in one of which I
+own some mortgages: "<i>How are you, Southern Confederacy?</i>"</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Deliberately, I remain,<br />
+Your father and the country's,<br />
+<span class="smcap">V. Gammon</span>.<br />
+<!--312.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_313" id="Page_313">[p. 313]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>This touching letter, my boy, I recommend to your
+most prayerful consideration, as a paternal outpouring
+of shirt-collared old age.</p>
+
+<p>Old age! how beautiful art thou in the glory of
+thy spectacles, and the sublime largeness of thy stomach
+and manner. And yet, would you believe it,
+my boy? I am sometimes possessed of great doubtings
+as to the genuineness of that majesty which makes a
+continually-looming Venerable Shape such a great
+blessing to an imperiled land. Sometimes there comes
+to me a rickety vision of:</p>
+
+
+<p class="poemtitle" style="padding-left: 2em">AGE BLUNTLY CONSIDERED.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">As Age advances, ails and aches attend,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Backs builded broadest burdensomely bend;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Cuttingly cruel comes consuming Care,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Dealing delusions, drivelry, despair.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Empty endeavor enervately ends,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Fancy forlornly feigns forgotten friends;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Gout, grimly griping, gluttonously great,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Hasten's humanity's hard-hearted hate.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Intentions imbecile invent ideas<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Justly jocunding jolly jokers' jeers:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Knowledge&mdash;keen kingdom knurlyably known&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Lingers, lamenting life's long lasting loan,<br /></span>
+<!--313.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_314" id="Page_314">[p. 314]</a></span></div></div>
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Mammonly mumming, magnifying motes,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nurtures numb Nature's narrowest nursery notes,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Opens old age's odious offering out&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Peevish punctilio, parrot-pining pout.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Qualmishly querrying, quarrelsomely quaint,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Rousing rife ridicules' repealed restraint;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Speaking soft silliness&mdash;such shallow show<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That tottering toysters, tickled, titter too.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Useless, ungainly unbeloved, unblest,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Virtue's vague visor, vice's veiling vest,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Wheezingly whimpering, wanting wisdom, wit,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Xistence, Xigent, Xclaims&mdash;Xit!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Youths, you're yelept youth's youngest; yet you'll<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Zestless zig-zaggers zanyable zealed.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>I exhibited that pleasing little poem to a Mackerel
+chap, who stuttered, my boy; and he came so near going
+into apoplexy through his endeavors to read it,
+that I was obliged to make a joke, in order that he
+might smile, relax, and recover.</p>
+
+<p>And now let your mind fly, like a wearied dove, to
+the celebrated Arcadian scenes of festive Accomac,
+where the Mackerel Brigade continues to reconnoitre
+in force, and awaits the death of the Confederacy by
+old age. Men, my boy, who entered this strategic war
+in the full bloom of youth, now go with stooping
+shoulders and tottering gait when they have a barrel
+of flour to carry, and the bloom has departed from every
+part of them save the extreme tip of that handle
+<!--314.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_315" id="Page_315">[p. 315]</a></span>
+of the human countenance which first meets the edge
+of an open door in the dark. Even the Mackerel
+brass-band begins to grow feeble, often making pitiable
+attempts to execute stirring strains on his night key
+bugle, as though unconscious that by long disuse in
+his pocket it had become clogged with bread and
+cheese.</p>
+
+<p>There is, on the Southern border of Accomac, my
+boy, a solitary house, containing furniture and the
+necessaries of life, which the Conic Section of the
+Mackerel Brigade had been ordered to guard. It
+stands immediately on the verdant banks of Awlkwyet
+River, where that stream must be at least ten inches
+deep; and as the first regular bridge is ten miles below
+it, of course the Conic Section, to guard the house,
+was placed at the end of that bridge&mdash;it being a principle
+of national strategy never to recognize any Confederate
+raid not made across a regular bridge.</p>
+
+<p>Now it chanced, that while the Conic Section at the
+bridge was taking a short nap, having been up very
+late the night before; and while the beloved General
+of the Mackerel Brigade was visiting a portion of his
+beautiful home-circle in Paris, that a very dirty Confederacy,
+riding in a seedy go-cart, made his appearance
+on the bank of the river opposite the house, and
+commenced to make a raid right through the water to
+the shore this side. His geometrical steed wet his feet
+thereby, and the wheels of his squeaking vehicle were
+damped by this barbarian way of offering irregular opposition
+to the Government; but what cared he for the
+rules of civilized warfare, which are the only authorized
+West Point editions? Like all his infatuated
+<!--315.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_316" id="Page_316">[p. 316]</a></span>
+countrymen, he was rendered less than strategic by
+the demon of Secession, and he crossed by the unmilitary
+ford instead of by the military bridge.</p>
+
+<p>This is, indeed, heart-sickening.</p>
+
+<p>There was a Mackerel chap who slept in the house
+to take care of a large black bottle, and when he heard
+the go-cart driving up before the door, he stuck his
+head out of the window, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"What is it which you would have in these irregular
+proceedings, Mr. Stuart?"</p>
+
+<p>The Confederacy dismounted from his chariot, tied a
+bag of oats over his charger's head, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"I'm making a raid."</p>
+
+<p>The Mackerel waved his hand southward, and says
+he:</p>
+
+<p>"You'll find the bridge just below. Don't stay
+here," says the Mackerel, earnestly, "or you'll exasperate
+the North to fury."</p>
+
+<p>Here the Confederacy made some remark in which
+the name of the North and a profane expletive were
+connected very closely, and proceeded to bring from
+the house a hobby-horse which stood in the hall. After
+placing this valuable article in his go-cart, he next
+brought out a cooking-stove; closely following this with
+some chairs, a dining-table, two feather beds, a tea-set,
+four wine-glasses and some tumblers, a looking-glass,
+four sheets, two cottage bedsteads, a Brussels carpet,
+and a Maltese cat. With these and a few other exceptions,
+my boy, he made no attempt to disturb private
+property; thereby proving that the President's Proclamation
+has already produced a wholesome effect in
+the degenerate South.
+<!--316.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_317" id="Page_317">[p. 317]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>While this was going on, the vigilant Mackerel
+guard descended privately from a back window, and
+made a forced march to where the Conic Section were
+watching something which looked like a man in the
+Southern horizon&mdash;instantly making known the audacious
+raid of the thieving Confederacy, and asking
+whether the new levies of the Executive's last call
+were likely to arrive early enough to take measures for
+the prevention of the capture of Washington.</p>
+
+<p>While the question was in debate, my boy, the beloved
+General of the Mackerel Brigade arrived with
+his trunk and umbrella from Paris, and having caused
+it to be telegraphed to all the reliable morning journals
+that the Confederacy were now in a fair way to
+be captured alive, he at once took measures to cut off
+the retreat of the latter. Captain Villiam Brown, with
+Company 3, Regiment 5, was at once ordered to construct
+a pontoon bridge across the river some miles below,
+and watch it vigilantly day and night; Captain
+Bob Shorty and Colonel Wobert Wobinson, with the
+Anatomical Cavalry, were dispatched to take possession
+of a railroad leading to Manassas; whilst Captain
+Samyule Sa-mith with the balance of the Conic Section,
+was commanded to make a detour of three hundred
+miles, and endeavor to reach the invaded house
+before midwinter set in.</p>
+
+<p>All these movements were in accordance with profound
+strategy, my boy, and cut off the Confederacy
+from retreat by every route in the world, except the
+insignificant one he came by.</p>
+
+<p>Satisfied that the war was going to end in about
+sixty days, after which we should have time to defeat
+<!--317.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_318" id="Page_318">[p. 318]</a></span>
+combined Europe, the Mackerel guard hastened back
+to the domicil, which he reached just in time to find
+the Confederacy topping his go-cart with some kindling-wood
+from the cellar.</p>
+
+<p>I regret to say, my boy&mdash;I blush for my species as
+I make the incredible revelation&mdash;that upon receiving
+the information of his surrounding and probable strategic
+capture by the vigilant Mackerel Brigade, the
+irreverent Confederacy burst into a hideous horse-laugh,
+and at once proceeded to appropriate the poor
+Mackerel chap's own shoes and stockings. With the
+deepest horror I record, that he also tweaked the
+Mackerel's nose.</p>
+
+<p>"I did not intend this as a permanent invasion," says
+the impious Confederacy, as he remounted his go-cart
+and turned his geometrical Arabian toward the water
+again; "but I have just married a daughter of South
+Carolina&mdash;one of two twins&mdash;and reckoned that I
+needed some things to set up housekeeping. Farewell,
+foul Hessian," says the Confederacy, as he
+splashed through the water to the opposite bank&mdash;"fare
+thee well, and tell your fiendish ruler, that it is
+somewhat impossible to conquer the sunny South."</p>
+
+<p>The Mackerel chap gazed thoughtfully after the
+go-cart as it disappeared on the other side of the
+balmy Awlkwyet stream, and says he: "Rail on,
+my erring brother; but if you'd only stayed here
+one more week, you might not have escaped thus for
+seven whole days. Had the army been insufficient to
+secure you," says the Mackerel to himself, "had the
+army been insufficient to secure you, why, there's the
+police."
+<!--318.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_319" id="Page_319">[p. 319]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Raids, my boy, are so intrinsically irregular in their
+character, that no provision can be made for them in
+a regular army; hence they are sometimes necessitated
+to take provisions for themselves as they go on.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Yours, radiantly,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<!--319.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_320" id="Page_320">[p. 320]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><a name="LETTER_LXXVI" id="LETTER_LXXVI"></a>LETTER LXXVI.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>REFERRING TO THE MOSQUITO AS A TEST OF HUMAN NATURE, EXPLAINING
+THE LONG HALT OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE, AND
+NOTING THE COURT OF INQUIRY ON CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, October 26th, 1862.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>Early this morning, my boy, I sauntered across the
+Long Bridge and took my seat upon the topmost rail
+of a fence enclosing a trampled meadow. There I
+sat, like Marius, my boy, contemplating the architectural
+ruin embodied in my Gothic steed, Pegasus, and
+ever and anon whistling abstractedly to my frescoed
+dog, Bologna.</p>
+
+<p>By the gods! I really love these dumb friends of
+mine. The speculative eye of the world sees in poor
+Pegasus nothing more than an architectural dream&mdash;the
+church architecture of the future&mdash;and, I must
+confess, my boy, that the Gothic charger <i>does</i> look
+something like a skeleton chapel at a distance; it
+sees in Bologna only a mongrel cur, whose taste for
+the calves of human legs is an epicurean outrage on
+walking society. But for me, my boy, there is a human
+pathos in the patient fidelity of these zoological curiosities
+which appeals to my best manhood. I have had
+a hard and thankless life of it; my experience with
+<!--320.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_321" id="Page_321">[p. 321]</a></span>
+the knowing political chaps of the Sixth Ward was
+enough to grind everything like human tenderness
+out of my nature, and make me turn into an arrogant and
+contemptuous misanthrope; but there are times when
+the cold nose of Pegasus against my cheek, or a wag
+from that speaking tail of Bologna&mdash;which curls up
+behind him like a note of interrogation, to ask how his
+master feels&mdash;will give me such a sensation of wishing
+to protect and be kind to the Helpless, that I feel myself
+a better man for the practical Christianity of
+such humble society.</p>
+
+<p>There is my mosquito, the youthful Humboldt, too!
+He came to me one night, about two years ago, my
+boy, practising much profound strategy to capture my
+nose; and when I foiled him by a free use of both
+arms of the service, the unterrified and humming
+manner in which he changed the base of his operations
+and came on again, excited my admiration and
+respect. Catching him in a little net cage made from
+the musquito bars of my bed, I kept him safely by
+me, and now use him as a test of human nature. In
+God's providence, each minute created thing has its
+appointed use, my boy, and depend upon it, the use
+of the musquito is to test human nature.</p>
+
+<p>There was a veteran political chap from Albany called
+upon me last Sunday night. A sage and aged chap
+of infinite vest, who wears the broad-brimmed hat of
+reticent respectability, and nestles in much shirt-collar
+like a centuried owl. Having taken a pinch of
+snuff after the dirty manner of a Gentleman of the
+Old School, he merely paused to take a hasty glance
+<!--321.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_322" id="Page_322">[p. 322]</a></span>
+at the plan for the next Senatorial election in his
+note book, and then says he:</p>
+
+<p>"I'm grievously dis'pointed, yea, piteously vexed,
+to see the partisan spirit raging so furiously in State
+elections, at a time when an expiring country calls
+upon all her sons, irrespective of party, to join hands
+in the great work of saving her. Why cannot these
+turbulent denouncers of each other be like me, who
+recognize no division of party in this national crisis?
+I would have a union of all men to vote for the one
+great ticket of my choice; and even the democrat I
+would recognize as a fellow being in such a case."</p>
+
+<p>I suspected this grievous old chap to be a hypocrite,
+my boy, and I managed to let Humboldt free
+from his cage for the purpose of testing him. As the
+aged chap commenced to get warm, Humboldt began
+to make raids round his sagacious head, and with
+divers slaps in the air, the aged chap waxed spirited,
+and says he;</p>
+
+<p>"Pshoo! pshoo!&mdash;As I was saying, we should all
+strive to conciliate our political adversaries&mdash;pshoo!
+and endeavor to promote a spirit of unity even with
+the most disaffected peace men&mdash;pshoo, you beast!&mdash;and
+not act like Greeley and Wendell Phillips, and
+Beecher&mdash;confound it, pshoo!&mdash;and other infernal
+fanatics; who, by their indiscreet, imprudent&mdash;curse
+it, pshoo!&mdash;and infernal, God-forsaken niggerism, are
+wounding the tenderest feelings&mdash;thunder and lightning,
+pshoo!&mdash;and rousing the hellish passions of
+really good democrats, who thereby make capital
+from their sadly mistaken&mdash;blazes and blue lightning,
+pshoo!&mdash;and devilish craziness, which is unfortunately
+<!--322.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_323" id="Page_323">[p. 323]</a></span>
+confusing&mdash;good heavens, pshoo, pshoo!&mdash;and damning
+their own party, and knocking thunder out of the
+gubernatorial canvass; besides&mdash;besides&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>Here this aged chap made a flying leap at Humboldt,
+missed his aim, and then dashed madly from
+the room.</p>
+
+<p>Depend upon it, my boy, a musquito is a great test
+of human nature. The little chap operates like an
+outside conscience, and brings the real thing to the
+surface.</p>
+
+<p>Why does not the Mackerel Brigade advance?</p>
+
+<p>This, my boy, is the question of the hour. For what
+do our heroes wait? Is it for india-rubbers, or umbrellas,
+or fine-tooth combs? No! be not deceived: it is for
+none of these.</p>
+
+<p>Hem! The fact is, my boy, many respectable
+though married Mackerels entered the army of the
+Accomac when they were in the prime of life; and as
+old age steals softly upon them, as the seasons and the
+bases of operations run through their changes, and
+year succeeds year, the eye-sight of many of them
+waxes dim, and fails in the process of Nature. I know
+some thousands of Mackerels, my boy, who are already
+so blind that they have not seen a rebel for six months;
+and hence, no advance-movement can be judiciously
+made until the brigade is supplied with spectacles.
+Without these, the idolized General of the Mackerel
+Brigade will not do anything until he gets ready. It
+was the want of these, as I now discover, that prevented
+our troops seeing the Southern Confederacy
+when he made his late raid across Awlkwyet River.
+Let the spectacles be at once procured, my boy; or an
+<!--323.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_324" id="Page_324">[p. 324]</a></span>
+indignant and bleeding nation will at once demand a
+change in the Cabinet.</p>
+
+<p>Company 3, Regiment 5, is the only Company yet
+fitted with glasses, and was therefore selected to make
+a reconnoissance toward Paris, under Colonel Wobert
+Wobinson, on Tuesday afternoon, for the purpose of
+discovering whether the Confederacies there were
+very tired of waiting yet. Glaring through their spectacles,
+these gallant beings advanced until they met a
+Parrot shell going the other way, and then returned with
+hasty discipline, bringing with them a captured contraband,
+who was so anxious to remain in their company
+that he actually ran very fast.</p>
+
+<p>Upon regaining the camp in Accomac, my boy, the
+colonel had the intelligent contraband brought before
+him, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"If I mistake not, friend Africa, you were escaping
+from the bonds of oppression when we took you?"</p>
+
+<p>The intelligent contraband shifted a silver soup-ladle
+from one pocket to the other, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, mars'r colonel, I hab left my ole mars'r for de
+good of his bressed soul." Here the attached bondman
+sniffed and shook his head.</p>
+
+<p>"Are you pious?" says Colonel Wobinson, much affected
+by such an example of humble devotion.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, mars'r I is dat," says the fond creature, wiping
+his brow with a silk vest from his dress-coat pocket,
+"and I wished to save my ole mars'r from de sin of de
+wicked. I know dat it was wrong for him to own niggas,
+and dat he was more sinful de more he done it.
+And I run away, Mars'r Colonel, to save dat ole man's
+bressum soul from any more dam."
+<!--324.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_325" id="Page_325">[p. 325]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Colonel Wobinson took off his spectacles in order
+that the steam from his tears might not dim them, and
+says he:</p>
+
+<p>"I had not looked for this in one so black. Leave
+those silver spoons with me, friend Africa, and I will
+send them to my wife. Sergeant, convey this dark being,
+who has taught us all such a lesson of self-sacrifice,
+to the chaplain; and tell the chaplain to look out
+for his pocket."</p>
+
+<p>How beautiful is it, my boy, to see in the uncouth,
+unlettered slave, a spirit of piety so shiningly practical.
+When I beheld the brutalized bondman evince such
+signs of religion, I am reminded of those tender and
+precocious little babes, who sometimes delight their
+mothers with exalted utterances of the like, and am inclined
+to believe that one knows just as much about
+it as the other does.</p>
+
+<p>It pains me to say, my boy, that Captain Villiam
+Brown so far forgot himself on Wednesday, upon discovering
+the non-arrival of the spectacles, that he used
+language of an incendiary description against the beloved
+General of the Mackerel Brigade, thereby proving
+himself to be one of those crazy fanatics who are
+trying to ruin our distracted country. He said, my
+boy, that the adored General of the Mackerel Brigade
+was a dead-beat, and furthermore observed that he
+would be very sorry to take his word.</p>
+
+<p>Such language could not pass unnoticed, and a Court
+of Inquiry, composed of Captains Bob Shorty, Samyule
+Sa-mith, and Colonel Wobert Wobinson, was instantly
+called. The Court had a decanter and tumbler
+only, to aid its deliberations, it being determined by
+<!--325.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_326" id="Page_326">[p. 326]</a></span>
+the War Department that no fact which could be detected
+even by the aid of a glass, should go uninspected.</p>
+
+<p>Villiam having been summoned to the presence,
+Samyule declared the Court in session, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"The sad duty has become ours, to investigate certain
+charges against a brother in arms which has heretofore
+been the mirror of chivalry. It is specified
+against him:</p>
+
+<p>"'<i>First</i>&mdash;That said Captain Villiam Brown, Eskevire,
+did affirm, declare, avow, testify, and articulate,
+with his tongue, licker, and organ of speech, that the
+General of the Mackerel Brigade was a dead-beat.</p>
+
+<p>"'<i>Second</i>&mdash;That aforesaid Captain Villiam Brown,
+Eskevire, did proclaim, utter, enunciate, fulminate and
+swear, that he would not take the word of the General
+of the Mackerel Brigade.'</p>
+
+<p>"What has the culprit to say to these charges? Did
+he say that our idolized Commander was a dead-beat?"</p>
+
+<p>Villiam smiled calmly, and says he: "The chaste
+remark exactly fits the orifice of my lips."</p>
+
+<p>"Confine yourself to English," says Colonel Wobinson,
+majestically. "What do you mean by the observation?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why," says Villiam, pleasantly, "I meant, that
+before he was beaten he must be dead. And after
+death, you know," says Villiam, reaching one hand abstractedly
+toward the decanter, "after death, you
+know, we must all <i>b'eaten</i> by worms."</p>
+
+<p>This explanation, my boy, was satisfactory, and conveyed
+a grave moral lesson; but the court felt convinced
+<!--326.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_327" id="Page_327">[p. 327]</a></span>
+that the second charge could not be thus
+simply answered.</p>
+
+<p>Captain Samyule Sa-mith set down the tumbler for a
+moment, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"You're not guilty on the first count, Villiam; but
+didn't you say that you wouldn't take the word of the
+General of the Mackerel Brigade?"</p>
+
+<p>"Which I did," says Villiam.</p>
+
+<p>"And what excuse have you to offer, my trooper?"
+says Captain Bob Shorty, pointing the question with
+his spoon.</p>
+
+<p>"Is the general a gentleman?" says Villiam, searchingly.</p>
+
+<p>The court believed him to be such.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah!" says Villiam, "then if he's a gentleman, he
+always <i>keeps</i> his word, and of course it is impossible
+to <i>take</i> it."</p>
+
+<p>Verdict of "not guilty, with a recommendation to
+mercy."</p>
+
+<p>Courts of Inquiry, my boy, are calculated to draw
+out the rich humor of military character, and are
+equally useful and appropriate with all other jokes, in
+times of devastating war.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Yours, smilingly,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr.</span><br /></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<!--327.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_328" id="Page_328">[p. 328]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><a name="LETTER_LXXVII" id="LETTER_LXXVII"></a>LETTER LXXVII.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>SHOWING WHAT EFFECT DEMOCRATIC TRIUMPHS HAVE UPON THE
+PRESIDENT, NOTING OUR CORRESPONDENT'S STRANGE MISTAKE
+ABOUT A BRITISH FLAG, AND INDICATING THE STRAGETIC ADVANCE
+OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, November 7th, 1862.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>The late election in New York, my boy, has electrified
+everybody except our Honest Abe, who still goes
+about smiling, like a long and amiable sexton, and continues
+to save our distracted country after the manner
+of an honest man. On Tuesday night, a high moral
+Democratic chap, of much watch-seal, who had just
+received a dispatch all about the election, went to see
+the Honest Abe, for the express purpose of telling him
+that the Democratic party had been born again, and
+was on the point of protesting against everything whatsoever,
+except the Constitution of our forefathers. He
+found the Honest Abe cracking some walnuts before
+the fire, my boy, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"The celebrated Democratic organization, of which
+I am Assistant Engineer, has carried the State of New
+York in a manner impossible to express, and will now
+proceed to demand of you a vigorous prosecution of
+that unnatural strife in which are involved our lives,
+our liberties, and the pursuit of happiness. We admire
+<!--328.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_329" id="Page_329">[p. 329]</a></span>
+to see your harmless honesty," says the chap,
+blandly, "and we believe you to be a fresh egg; but
+we protest against the arbitrary arrest of men which
+is patriots, only conservatively Democratic; and we
+insist upon a vigorous prosecution of Constitutional
+hostilities against our misguided brothers who are now
+offering irregular opposition to the Government."</p>
+
+<p>The Honest Abe cracked a walnut, and says he:
+"You say, neighbor, that the organization still insists
+upon a vigorous prosecution of the war?"</p>
+
+<p>The Democratic chap sliced a toothpick from the
+arm of the chair with his knife, and says he: "That
+is the present platform on which we are <i>E pluribus
+unum</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," says the Honest Abe, "I believe that you
+mean well; but am reminded of a little story.</p>
+
+<p>"When I was practicing law out in Illinois," says the
+Honest Abe, twisting the bow of his black necktie
+around from under his left ear, "there was an old cock,
+with two sons, living near me in a tumble-down old
+shanty. He lived there until half his roof blew off one
+windy night, and then he concluded to move to a new
+house, where the chimney didn't take up all the upper
+story. On the day when he moved, he'd got most all
+his traps changed to the other residence, and had sent
+one of his sons to see that they were all got safely indoors,
+when suddenly a shower commenced to come up.
+The old man and his other offspring, who had stayed
+to hurry him, were taking up a carpet from the floor
+at the time the first dose of thunder cracked, and the
+offspring says he, 'Hurry up, old crazy-bones, or
+we'll be ketched in the freshet before you get up
+<!--329.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_330" id="Page_330">[p. 330]</a></span>
+this here rich fabric.' The stern parent heeded the
+admonition, and went ripping away the carpet around
+the edges of the room, until he came near where the
+offspring was standing, and there it stuck. He pulled,
+but it wouldn't come, and he says, says he: ''Pears to
+me that dod-rotted tack must be a tenpenny nail&mdash;it
+holds on so.' You see, the old screw was very blind
+without his specs," says the Honest Abe, buttoning his
+vest askew, "and he couldn't see just where the tack
+was. Another peal of thunder at this moment made
+the irascible offspring still madder, and he says, says
+he: 'You misabul old cripple, if you don't hurry up
+we'll be ketched, I tell you!' As he made this dutiful
+remark he went stamping to the window, and at the
+same moment the cantankerous tack came out, and the
+aged parent went over on his back with the carpet up
+to his chin. He got up and dusted, and says he:
+'Well, now, that <i>is</i> cur'ous&mdash;how suddent it went.'
+Then he proceeded to rip away again, until it came
+near the window, and there it stuck once more. The
+wild offspring saw him tugging again, and it made him
+so wrathy that he says, says he: 'Why in thunder
+didn't you take the nails out first, you crooked old sinner,
+you? It's enough to make me weep afresh for the
+old woman, to see how you&mdash;' But he didn't finish his
+observation; for, as he walked toward where the hammer
+lay, the tack came out, and the old 'un went to
+bed again under the carpet. Up sprang the sad parent,
+spitting rags, and he says, says he: 'Well now,
+how cur'ous&mdash;to think it should come so suddent!'
+Still on he went, until the carpet was all up from
+around the edges; but when he tried to draw it away
+<!--330.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_331" id="Page_331">[p. 331]</a></span>
+on his shoulder, it was fast somewheres yet. R-r-rum-bum-boom!
+went the thunder; and says the infuriated
+offspring, says he: 'Well, I never did see such a blundering
+old dad as you be. We'll be ketched in the
+rain as sure as grasshoppers; and all because you didn't
+take my advice about the hammer in the first place.'
+The poor old 'un tugged, and pulled, and panted, and
+says he: 'Well, now, it <i>is</i> cur'ous, I swun to massey.
+There can't be no tacks way out in the middle of the
+floor here, can they?' To make sure, the old blind-pate
+was going down on his knees to take a mouse-eye
+view, when all of a sudden he gave a start, and he
+says, says he: 'Why, 'pears to me, Sammy, <i>you're
+standin' on the carpet yourself!</i>' And so he was&mdash;so
+he was," says the Honest Abe, smiling into the fire,
+"and that was the why the carpet had stuck fast in so
+many places."</p>
+
+<p>"Now," says the Honest Abe, poking the Democratic
+chap in the ribs with his knuckles; "if your organization
+wants me to move vigorously in this war,
+tell them not to be standing on my carpet all the time.
+Otherwise, I must still keep tacking about."</p>
+
+<p>The Democratic chap had been slowly rising from
+his chair as this small moral tale drew toward its exciting
+conclusion, and at the last word he fled the
+apartment with quivering watch-seal.</p>
+
+<p>Our President, my boy, has a tale for every emergency,
+as a rat-trap has an emergency for every tail.</p>
+
+<p>It was on the morning of this same day, that I had a
+pleasing conversation on the state of our foreign relations
+with a phlegmatic British chap connected with
+the English Ministry, who is remaining here for the
+<!--331.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_332" id="Page_332">[p. 332]</a></span>
+purpose of beholding anarchy in the North, which he
+has been requested to immediately communicate to one
+of Great Britain's morning journals. We were taking
+Richmond together at Willard's, my boy, and had just
+been speaking of the English Southern pirate "Alabama"
+in terms of neutrality, when suddenly the phlegmatic
+chap drew a roll of silk from one of his pockets,
+fastened it to his cane, unfurled it before my eyes, and
+says he:</p>
+
+<p>"By the way, sir, 'ow do you like this ere h'original
+h'idea of mine? Do you see what it is?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, friend Bifstek," says I, Frenchily, "that is
+indeed the Black Flag."</p>
+
+<p>The chap turned very red in the face, my boy, and
+says he: "The Black Flag! what a 'orrible h'idea!
+You must be thinking of the h'Alabama. What h'induces
+you to suppose such a thing!"</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/i_331.png" width="270" height="203" title="The Black Flag" alt="The Black Flag" />
+</div>
+
+<p>"Why," says I, "there's the Skull and Crossbones
+plain enough."
+<!--332.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_333" id="Page_333">[p. 333]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"Skull and Crossbones!!" says he, "why, that's the
+beautiful Hinglish crest&mdash;a crown and sceptres; and
+this is my new h'original design, ye know, for a new
+Hinglish Revenue Flag."</p>
+
+<p>It was then, my boy, that I discovered my error, and
+apologized for my obliquity of vision. It was strange,
+indeed, that I should mistake for a skull the insignia
+of royalty, even though a crown is not unfrequently
+found identified with a numskull.</p>
+
+<p>On the same Tuesday, my boy, there was a small
+election in a town just this side of Accomac, and I went
+down there early in the morning, to the office of the
+excellent independent evening journal, that I might see
+the returns as soon as they came in. The editor was
+talking to two chaps&mdash;a Republican and a Democrat&mdash;and,
+says he:</p>
+
+<p>"The organ which my humble talents keep a-going
+is strictly independent, and I have no choice of candidates.
+I care only for my country, one and individual,"
+says the editor, touchingly, "and can make no
+arbitrary discrimination of mere parties; but as you
+both advertise your tickets in my moral journal, a
+sense of duty may induce me to favor the side whose
+advertisement weighs the most."</p>
+
+<p>After this gentle insinuation, my boy, each chap
+hastily commenced to write his advertisement. The
+Republican inscribed his upon a <i>very</i> heavy piece of
+brown wrapping-paper to make it weighty; but the
+Democrat selected a plain bit of foolscap, only putting
+in a hundred-dollar Treasury Note, to keep it from
+blotting.</p>
+
+<p>When the editor came to look at the two, he coughed
+<!--333.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_334" id="Page_334">[p. 334]</a></span>
+slightly, and says he: "I have always been a Democrat."</p>
+
+<p>"But my advertisement certainly weighs the most,"
+says the Republican chap, hotly.</p>
+
+<p>The editor ate a chestnut, and says he: "Not in an
+intellectual sense, my friend."</p>
+
+<p>"My paper is twice as heavy as his," says the chap;
+"and as to the Treasury Note, I had some scruples&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"There!" says the editor, interruptingly, "you tell
+the whole story, my friend. In the temple of a free
+and reliable press, as well as elsewhere, some scruples
+bear very little proportion in weight to one hundredweight."</p>
+
+<p>The American press, my boy, might occasionally
+adopt as an appropriate motto, the present Napoleon's
+observation, that "<i>L'Empire c'est la</i> <span class="smcap">PAY</span>."</p>
+
+<p>Turning from intellectual matters, let me glance at
+our country's hope and pride, the Mackerel Brigade,
+each member of whom feels confident of ultimately
+crushing out this hideous Rebellion as soon as national
+strategy shall have revealed the present whereabouts
+of the affrighted Confederacy. Last week, my boy, the
+Brigade moved gorgeously from Accomac, headed by
+the band, who played exciting strains upon his night-key
+bugle; and was only fired upon from the windows
+of wayside houses by helpless women, against whom
+the United States of America do not make war.</p>
+
+<p>Woman, my boy, is the most helpless of God's creatures;
+and is so far from having power to help any
+other being, that she even can't help being herself
+sometimes.</p>
+
+<p>The sun shone brightly down upon the spectacles of
+<!--334.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_335" id="Page_335">[p. 335]</a></span>
+the ancient Mackerels as they once more took the road
+toward Paris; and as the light was reflected from the
+glistening glasses upon the carmine noses of which they
+were astride, it seemed as though each warrior had a
+rose in the middle of his countenance to symbolize the
+beautiful idea, that they had all arose for their distracted
+country's preservation.</p>
+
+<p>Captain Villiam Brown, mounted on his geometrical
+steed, Euclid, was conversing affably with Captain Bob
+Shorty, as they rode along together, when a Lieutenant
+of the Anatomical Cavalry came dashing toward him,
+and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"Captain, there's something missing from the rearguard."</p>
+
+<p>Villiam assumed a thoughtful demeanor, and says
+he: "Is it a miss fire?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," says the Lieutenant, agitatedly: "but we
+miss two&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Not baggage wagons?" says Villiam, giving such
+a start that Euclid nearly fell upon his knees; "don't
+tell me that two wagons are missing."</p>
+
+<p>"Why no," says the Lieutenant, with emotion, "it's
+not two wagons that we miss, but two Brigadiers."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah!" says Villiam, fanning himself with his cap.
+"How you alarmed me. I thought at first that it was
+two wagons. Let the procession go on, and I'll send
+for two more Brigs the next time I have a friend going
+to Washington."</p>
+
+<p>It would please me, my boy, to detail the further
+movements of the Mackerels, but the cause of strategy
+demands that I should say no more on that topic just
+at present.
+<!--335.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_336" id="Page_336">[p. 336]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The beloved General of the Mackerel Brigade was
+at Washington when he heard of the advance which
+his enemies would pretend that he did not lead in person,
+and says he to the messenger:</p>
+
+<p>"Are my gallant children ready for a fight?"</p>
+
+<p>"Much so," says the messenger.</p>
+
+<p>"Is the weather clear, my child?"</p>
+
+<p>"Salubrious."</p>
+
+<p>"Thunder!" says the General, valorously. "Then I
+really believe that I must move my headquarters
+across the Potomac!"</p>
+
+<p>The Potomac, my boy&mdash;to speak with all due reverence
+for sacred things&mdash;in the numerous backs and
+forths it so constantly imposes upon the military,
+would seem calculated to turn this war into another
+Crusade, and make all our heroes literal soldiers of the
+"cross."</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Yours, metaphorically,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Oepheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<!--336.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_337" id="Page_337">[p. 337]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><a name="LETTER_LXXVIII" id="LETTER_LXXVIII"></a>LETTER LXXVIII.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>IN WHICH THE STORY TOLD BY THE GERMAN MEMBER OF THE COSMOPOLITAN
+CLUB IS DULY REPORTED.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, November 12th, 1862.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>Herr Tuyfeldock, my boy, the high-Dutch cosmopolitan,
+supernaturalized the last meeting of the club
+with his old-fashioned story of</p>
+
+
+<p class="gentitle">HERMANN, THE DEMENTED.</p>
+
+<p>"At the base of a lofty mountain, and overshadowed
+by its beetling cliffs, stood a rude hut, built of heavy
+logs, and surmounted by a roof, the eaves of which descended
+in broad scollops over the windows of the tenement,
+and gave it the appearance of a small boy
+wearing his father's hat. In the surrounding scenery
+there was a wild grandeur and magnificence with
+which no work of art would have been in keeping.
+Immediately in the rear of the humble habitation, abruptly
+rose one of a range known as the Hartz Mountains,
+stretching far away toward the west in waves of
+bright and shadowy emerald, as the light fell upon
+<!--337.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_338" id="Page_338">[p. 338]</a></span>
+them, and covered with gloomy forests, peopled with
+unblest spirits by the legends of olden times. In front
+and on both sides, spreading out its vast expanse of verdant
+soil, until it appeared to meet with the horizon,
+was a noble plain, bearing scattered clumps of trees,
+through which a few isolated huts were discernable.
+It was like Light and Shade meeting, with the hut under
+the cliff to mark their boundaries.</p>
+
+<p>"Evening had just begun to tint the fragrant air
+with her sombre hues, when a figure was apparent,
+moving over the plain in the direction of the lonely
+domicil, and, as it approached nearer, the muscular
+form and pleasing features of a young hunter were visible.
+He was exceedingly tall, yet symmetrical in
+every limb, and quick in his movements as a chamois
+on its native hills. His dress comprised a coat and
+leggins of blue material, ornamented with silver buttons,
+a pair of heavy boots, and a narrow-brimmed
+straw hat, from which a wolf's tail depended. He carried
+a long rifle, and a bag for small game swung, with
+a powder flask, or horn, at his side.</p>
+
+<p>"Arriving in front of the hut, he paused a moment
+to examine some footprints on the soil, and then tapped
+gently at the door with the butt of his piece. In
+an instant it was opened by a beautiful girl, with light
+blue eyes, flaxen curls, and a complexion of pure red
+and white, who, though dressed in the coarsest attire,
+yet looked and shone a perfect goddess of the solitude.</p>
+
+<p>"'Dearest Marcella,' exclaimed the hunter, seizing
+her extended hand, and carrying it to his lips with all
+the ardor of a lover.
+<!--338.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_339" id="Page_339">[p. 339]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"'I feared you were not coming to-night, Wilhelm,'
+answered Marcella, with a blush of pleasure, as she led
+him into the hut by the hand which she still retained.</p>
+
+<p>"The apartment thus entered occupied the whole
+structure, save a portion apparently partitioned off with
+wolf skins; and a rude table, six chairs, and a goatskin
+covered couch, were the only articles of furniture
+it contained, excepting a few trophies of the chase
+hanging from the walls, and a woodman's axe placed
+over the mantel. The floor was composed of logs, and
+was very uneven, save directly opposite the fire-place,
+where a large flat stone was firmly imbedded in the
+earth; and a small oil lamp, swinging in chains from
+the arching roof above, gave forth a pale light
+which mingled imperceptibly with that of departing
+day in a mellow twilight.</p>
+
+<p>"'Marcella,' said Wilhelm, as they sat beside each
+other on the couch, 'I can scarcely realize that you are
+the wild little fairy, with whom I used to explore the
+dark woods of haunted Hartz. I can remember, too,
+standing with you under the blighted pine, and relating
+old legends which I heard my father tell, while
+you listened with breathless attention, and looked like
+a startled chamois, when the wind rustled among the
+leaves.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Those were happy days!' murmured Marcella.</p>
+
+<p>"'They were, indeed!' continued Wilhelm, with enthusiasm&mdash;'yet
+why should infancy monopolize all the
+richest pleasures of life? As we grow older, our understanding
+becomes more clearly defined, and circumstances
+which rendered our childhood happy, should
+<!--339.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_340" id="Page_340">[p. 340]</a></span>
+become more truly appreciated as blessings, instead of
+growing homely and irksome to us.'</p>
+
+<p>"'It is because the matured mind requires a wider
+field for exercise,' said Marcella. 'When I used to
+roam with you in the forest or on the plain, those localities
+constituted our little world, and I cared for no
+other; but as my father taught me the learning of
+books, I awoke to a sense of uneasiness, and a consciousness
+of restricted liberty. The beautiful world
+of which I read became replete with attractions hitherto
+unknown to me, and I longed to quit these wild
+scenes, and behold the palaces of princes.'</p>
+
+<p>"'So it was with me,' responded her lover. 'As
+you may remember, my parents hoarded up their little
+earnings, that I might enjoy the advantages of education,
+and I went to Gottingen with the feeling of one
+who was about to drink of pleasure at its fountain-head;
+but alas! Marcella, the wide world is like a piece of
+glass, which may sparkle in the distance with all the brilliancy
+of a diamond, and after leading us wildly onward,
+becomes the more worthless, for our endeavors
+to gain a closer view. I imagined that the learning of
+schools would confer happiness; it became mine, and I
+found it a mockery. I mixed with the rich, gay and
+gifted; but my object still eluded pursuit. Marcella, I
+became convinced that I left true happiness behind
+me, when I departed from home; and returned to its
+shelter, resolved to leave it no more. I tasted of the
+cup, and found it bitter.'</p>
+
+<p>"'My father talks in that manner,' answered Marcella.
+'He hates the world for the injury it has done
+him, and even our few neighbors excite his scorn, by
+<!--340.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_341" id="Page_341">[p. 341]</a></span>
+their foolish fears of him. I am sure if they knew him
+well, they could not help loving him as I do; he is so
+noble, so brave, so generous, that I cannot understand
+why he is called "The Demented," unless it is because
+his superior intelligence is regarded by the hinds as a
+supernatural gift. Perhaps that is the reason,' she added,
+haughtily.</p>
+
+<p>"'You wrong the honest peasants,' said the hunter,
+hastily; 'who, though ignorant, possess the gifts of reason
+and discrimination. Your father will not allow
+them to know him better, and the extraordinary quantity
+of game which he obtains would arouse superstitious
+whispers from more enlightened minds.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Poor deluded creatures!' exclaimed Marcella,
+scornfully. 'Because my father's aim is truer than
+theirs, ought he to be looked upon as one demented? Because,
+by his skill in woodcraft, he surpasses their success,
+should they shun him with looks of horror? Because
+he refuses to join in their low revels, should they
+regard him as a ghost-seer? Wilhelm, you have learning,
+and ought to frown down these foolish superstitions,
+instead of partaking in them. Did you love
+Marcella as you have often sworn you do, the man who
+spoke evil of her parent, would from that moment become
+your enemy.'</p>
+
+<p>"'And so he should, dearest Marcella; but alas!
+their suspicions are but too well founded, and though
+you may be offended, I dare not deny that I myself
+believe him to be in league with the Evil One.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Then leave me!' exclaimed Marcella, starting
+from beside him. 'Why should you wish to wed the
+child of such a man? Might you not find a devil in
+<!--341.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_342" id="Page_342">[p. 342]</a></span>
+me? Why should I love a being whose lips have declared
+my father a demon? Go! Wilhelm, I took
+you for a man; but you have the soul of a dwarf.'</p>
+
+<p>"Her eyes flashed indignation as she spoke, and in
+the eyes of her lover she appeared more beautiful than
+ever.</p>
+
+<p>"'I can forgive your reproaches, for I know them
+to be actuated by noble sentiments,' he replied, drawing
+her gently back to her seat. 'Honor to our parents
+is nature's first law, and God forbid that I should
+condemn it; but, dearest Marcella, there should be no
+reserve between us, who have grown up side by side,
+as it were, and I speak to you as I would to no one else&mdash;not
+even my parents. That I love you, you surely cannot
+doubt, and that love would be worth little to either
+of us, did it enjoin concealment of our true opinions
+from each other. I speak as an honest man, when I
+tell you, that I once beheld your father in the Black
+Forest, accompanied by a stranger, who was not of
+this world.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Great God!' ejaculated Marcella, starting up
+with affright.</p>
+
+<p>"'Forgive me, dearest; but you forced me to say it
+in my own defence. Calm yourself and we will talk
+of this fearful subject no longer.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Wilhelm, you are not trifling with me?'</p>
+
+<p>"'As I hope to be saved, no.'</p>
+
+<p>"The daughter of Hermann trembled for a moment,
+as though the spirit of Fear had touched her, and the
+dim rays of the swinging lamp, as they fell upon her
+finely cut features, revealed the undisguised terror
+<!--342.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_343" id="Page_343">[p. 343]</a></span>
+there betrayed. But she quickly settled rigidly as a
+marble effigy, and her voice was firm, as she said:</p>
+
+<p>"'Wilhelm, I believe you, and may God help my
+unfortunate father. Tell me of what you <i>saw</i>, and disguise
+nothing!'</p>
+
+<p>"'It were better to remain untold, Marcella.'</p>
+
+<p>"'I must and will hear it,' she answered with cold
+determination.</p>
+
+<p>"'Then it must be told,' said the young hunter,
+with an involuntary shudder. 'On the second day after
+my arrival from Gottingen University, I started out
+from my father's cot, to course hares, taking with me
+my dog and rifle, intending to remain absent all day.
+For some hours I was quite successful, and succeeded
+in killing a score of the fleet animals, but after
+noon they grew scarce, and as the sun was sinking in
+the west, I paused wearied and exhausted on the borders
+of the Black Forest, while my dog was panting
+in the shade. As I stood thus, leaning upon my gun,
+the sound of a bugle call fell upon my ears, and almost
+immediately afterwards your father suddenly passed
+me in the direction from whence it came, looking
+straight forward with a stony, fascinated stare, so full
+of mingled despair and earnestness, that I trembled
+with superstitious fear, and even my dog crawled to
+my feet, quivering in every limb. Onward he strode,
+unconscious of a watcher, to a shaded spot on the border,
+just beyond my position, known as the Witch's
+Circle. As he reached it, the bugle was again sounded,
+when immediately a tall cloaked figure rode out
+of the forest to meet him, and they saluted each other
+in silence. I could not discern the stranger's features,
+<!--343.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_344" id="Page_344">[p. 344]</a></span>
+but I noticed with breathless horror that the steps of
+the horse which he rode, as well as those of another
+which he led by the bridle, gave forth no more sound
+than if they were planted in air&mdash;&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>"Wilhelm suddenly paused in his narrative, as a
+beautiful White Fawn suddenly sprang from behind a
+suspended wolf skin, and alighted directly in front of
+him. Daylight no longer lent its rays to illumine the
+apartment, and as the animal's eyes were visible
+through the misty beams of the lamp, they seemed to
+glare and blaze like coals of vivid fire.</p>
+
+<p>"'Heaven preserve me!' ejaculated the young
+hunter, crossing himself.</p>
+
+<p>"'It is my pet, Leo; do not fear him,' said Marcella
+in low tones.</p>
+
+<p>"'Your father mounted the unoccupied saddle,'
+continued Wilhelm, going on with his adventure;
+'and together they disappeared between the pines;
+noiselessly as the falling of a feather. At short intervals
+I heard the sound of the bugle growing fainter
+and fainter, until it died away in the windings of the
+mountains. I called my dog and hastened home,
+without daring to look behind, lest I should behold
+the mysterious riders following on my track.'</p>
+
+<p>"A short silence succeeded, during which Marcella
+gently wept, and caressed the fawn. At length
+she spoke:</p>
+
+<p>"'Dear Wilhelm, I now see the reason why you
+have ever avoided my father, and come here only
+while he is away. Perhaps it is better that you should
+continue to do so, for he is very irritable, and your
+meeting might be attended with fearful results. Leave
+<!--344.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_345" id="Page_345">[p. 345]</a></span>
+me, Wilhelm; I expect him every moment; it is already
+past his usual time of return.'</p>
+
+<p>"'I must speak with your father to night, dearest,'
+said the hunter, encircling her waist with his
+arm.</p>
+
+<p>"'God forbid!' she exclaimed, looking up to him
+with great alarm.</p>
+
+<p>"'It must be so, Marcella; I am about to ask a
+gift of him, and his answer will either make me the
+happiest of men, or leave me miserable for life. I will
+ask his daughter of him as one who has a just claim,
+and I cannot believe he will refuse me.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Wilhelm, you do not know my&mdash;&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>"At this moment there came a measured rapping
+at the door, and Marcella arose to open it, trembling
+with undefined dread. Hermann the Demented pressed
+a kiss upon her brow as he passed the threshold, and
+entered his cabin.</p>
+
+<p>"He was an old man, for his hair was grey, and deep
+wrinkles furroughed his brow; but his form was fully
+developed and upright as that of meridian manhood,
+and there was a changing fire in his eye that indicated
+all the energy of youth. His dress was a mixture
+of military and peasant garb, and he wore a tall,
+black felt hat, encircled with a red ribbon. Game of
+every kind hung in such profusion from his broad
+shoulders, that it almost entirely concealed his person,
+and he bore in his hand a rifle which few men could
+handle. On arriving beneath the lamp, he deposited
+his spoils upon the floor, and then, for the first time,
+observed the presence of the young hunter.</p>
+
+<p>"'Ha! is that you Wilhelm!' he exclaimed, casting
+<!--345.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_346" id="Page_346">[p. 346]</a></span>
+aside his rifle, and extending his hand in a friendly
+manner, 'I am especially glad to welcome a brother
+craftsman to my cover, on a night when I have had
+such uncommon luck. Look at that heap, and tell
+me if you ever saw another such.'</p>
+
+<p>"'You are famed as a fortunate hunter,' answered
+the other, gazing upon the immense pile at his feet
+with astonishment.</p>
+
+<p>"'Yes, yes, Wilhelm, there are few men can bag
+hares with Hermann, the Demented,' and the old man
+laughed a hollow laugh.</p>
+
+<p>"'Your skill must indeed be extraordinary, when
+it enables you to secure many of these animals <i>after
+nightfall, and without hounds</i>,' returned Wilhelm,
+looking fixedly at the hunter with a penetrating
+glance.</p>
+
+<p>"Immediately upon the entrance of her father
+Marcella had drawn the table from the wall, and commenced
+to prepare an humble meal; she was standing
+in a distant corner of the cabin, when her lover
+spoke thus:</p>
+
+<p>"Hermann started back with a look of fierce anger.</p>
+
+<p>"'What mean you, young man!' he asked in stern
+tones.</p>
+
+<p>"'I had no intention of giving offence, Mynheer
+Hermann.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Your looks, at least, were impertinent,' muttered
+the old hunter, turning abruptly from him, and commencing
+to sort his game.</p>
+
+<p>"The simple meal was soon ready, and the three
+persons partook of it without so much as a whisper.
+When it was finished, and while the young girl was
+<!--346.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_347" id="Page_347">[p. 347]</a></span>
+replacing her few utensils, Hermann produced a large
+Meerschaum pipe, and having filled it with tobacco,
+lit it with a chip from the fire-place; looking inquiringly
+at his guest as he smoked.</p>
+
+<p>"'You were, doubtless, surprised to find me here?'
+said the latter, with some hesitancy in his manner.</p>
+
+<p>"'I am not often so highly honored,' responded
+Hermann, quietly sending forth a wreath of smoke
+from between his teeth.</p>
+
+<p>"'Do you understand my object, Mynheer Hermann?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Certainly I do, Mynheer Wilhelm.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Indeed,' ejaculated the young hunter, with a look
+of inquiry.</p>
+
+<p>"'Of course,' said Hermann, ironically; 'you come
+to my cot, Mynheer Wilhelm, hoping to behold some
+diabolical orgie, or the working of some cabalistic
+spell, by which I secure success in the chase. You
+expect to see me in communion with the mountain
+spirits, and allowing a long-tailed demon to breathe
+upon my rifle. Look around you, my honored guest;
+is not my daughter some horrid witch in disguise? Is
+not this gentle fawn, a bloodthirsty spectre metamorphosed?
+Do you not see at least a dozen goblins
+climbing the barrel of my rifle? Ha, ha, ha! you will
+add another to the thousand and one legends about
+<i>Hermann the Demented</i>. And tell me, young man,
+what is to prevent my offering you as a sacrifice to
+my counsellor, the devil? People would say it served
+you right, for entering this unholy place. You had
+better depart before my familiar makes his appearance
+to sup with me, from the skulls of children. I assure
+<!--347.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_348" id="Page_348">[p. 348]</a></span>
+you, mynheer, that yonder stone bottle contains human
+blood. Fly, before the spell begins to work.'</p>
+
+<p>"Although the old man frequently laughed while
+speaking, there was a hollowness, and unreal zest in
+his mirth, that made the young hunter shudder.</p>
+
+<p>"'You have made a great mistake, Mynheer Hermann,'
+he replied calmly. 'I came here with no such
+despicable intentions as those you attribute to me.
+To be plain and honest with you, I am here to ask a
+gift of you.'</p>
+
+<p>"'What is it, boy?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Your daughter, mynheer.'</p>
+
+<p>"Dropping the pipe, and springing to his feet, Hermann
+confronted his guest, glaring upon him with vindictive
+fury.</p>
+
+<p>"'Wretch! dare you insult me?' he howled, gnashing
+his teeth.</p>
+
+<p>"'Mynheer Hermann, be calm, I beseech you; you
+have obliged me to make the request thus abruptly,
+and I am willing to abide the consequences. I love
+Marcella, and she loves me. I would make her my
+wife.'</p>
+
+<p>"For a moment, the father held his hand to his
+brow and fixed a glance upon the young hunter, as
+though to read his inmost soul; then turning quickly
+to his child, who sat near him, trembling with fear, he
+asked excitedly:</p>
+
+<p>"'Is this true, Marcella?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Yes, dear father,' she replied, arising from her
+seat, and laying her head fondly upon his breast.</p>
+
+<p>"He looked down upon her beautiful face, suffused
+with tears, in silence; slowly the flash of anger faded
+<!--348.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_349" id="Page_349">[p. 349]</a></span>
+from his countenance, leaving the gleam of idolatrous
+affection shining there. The feelings of a parent
+overcame all others, and a bright drop glistened on
+his cheek.</p>
+
+<p>"'My darling, my only treasure,' he murmured,
+pressing her closely to him. 'Your happiness is my
+only earthly object.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Wilhelm,' he continued, placing his disengaged
+hand upon the youth's shoulder, 'I wronged you in
+my suspicions, and ask your forgiveness. Your face,
+as well as that of my darling, convince me that I
+wronged you. Yet I cannot grant you my child, until
+you have first heard somewhat of her history, and my
+own. Not but that she is a jewel, the proudest king
+might wear upon his bosom with honor,' he continued,
+with spirit; 'but no man shall ever accuse me of practising
+a lie.'</p>
+
+<p>"He resumed his seat, still holding Marcella closely
+to his bosom, and went on:</p>
+
+<p>"'To no other living being have I ever told my
+strange story, and there is that in your countenance,
+which tells me you are no traitor. Listen attentively
+to what I say: I was born on the estate of a nobleman
+in Transylvania, to whom my father was steward, and
+spent the happiest days of my existence roving about
+those vast domains, a free and joyous child. At the
+age of thirteen, I was placed in a school, where I advanced
+rapidly in learning, until I was the acknowledged
+phenomenon of the village, and the pride of my
+fond father. Years of unalloyed peace rolled over my
+head, during which I wooed the beautiful daughter of
+a landed gentleman&mdash;won and married her by stealth.
+<!--349.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_350" id="Page_350">[p. 350]</a></span>
+Her father's rage knew no bounds in the first moments
+of discovery, and he threatened to separate us; but my
+wife's entreaties soon banished his anger, and we were
+soon received in full favor both by him and my own
+parents. Oh! what unsubstantial, foolish, joyous days
+were those! How did I idolize the girl, whom I had
+won, as a heathen worships his household god.</p>
+
+<p>"'At length a fearful epidemic swept the country;
+my father was one of the first victims, and my heartbroken
+mother soon followed him, bequeathing us her
+dying benediction. It was my first trial, and in the
+bitterness of my grief, I left the familiar scenes of my
+boyhood. To this spot I came with my beautiful wife
+and built this cabin, resolving to spend the remainder
+of my days in these soothing solitudes. But my fate
+was yet to be accomplished. My father's employer
+found me out, and sent a message, earnestly requesting
+me to become his steward. Yielding to the importunities
+of my wife&mdash;for I could refuse her nothing&mdash;I
+accepted the proposal, and journeyed back to
+Transylvania with a heavy heart; for a cloud seemed
+hanging over me, a presentiment of sorrow to come.
+The nobleman received me more as an equal than as a
+servant, and uttered many encomiums on my father's
+worth, which could not but prove grateful to a heart
+like mine. I loved and honored him at once; and resolved
+to testify my gratitudë by a faithful discharge
+of my duties. He was still a young man, but I felt no
+jealousy, when the idol of my heart praised him, blind
+wretch that I was! At length, the cloud, so long
+forming, burst over me in a flood of misery. Almost
+immediately after the birth of our daughter, the father
+<!--350.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_351" id="Page_351">[p. 351]</a></span>
+of my Marcella came to me and imparted a secret that
+almost deprived me of my senses. Poor old man!
+he thought I knew all before, and my ravings filled
+him with alarm. Frantically I swore revenge, and
+with murder in my heart, was about to seek the destroyer
+of my peace; but the old man restrained me,
+and after a violent debate, I resolved to say nothing to
+my wife about the matter, and kept a strict watch
+upon her. Alas! her father's suspicions proved too
+just. I surprised her in company with her paramour,
+and after loading them with the bitterest curses, took
+my daughter and returned to the hut under the cliff.
+My whole life was blighted, every hope was crushed;
+but the very madness of my despair gave me strength,
+and I swore vengeance on my enemy. On the evening
+of that fearful day, after lulling my unfortunate
+child to sleep, I knelt down on the flat stone before
+you, and in the fervor of delirium, called upon <i>The
+Spirits of Hartz Mountains</i> for aid. Scarcely had
+the sacrilegious petition left my lips, when there came
+a gentle knocking at the door, accompanied by a shrill
+bugle note, signifying bewilderment in the forest.
+Like one in a dream, I answered the mysterious summons,
+and immediately a White Fawn bounded into
+the hut, followed by a tall stranger, wrapped in a
+cloak of fine material.</p>
+
+<p>"'"You called me and I have come," he said, in
+tones that made me shudder, and peer into his
+eyes, in which there was a fearful fascination which I
+could not resist.</p>
+
+<p>"'"Who are you?" I managed to articulate.</p>
+
+<p>"'"Varno of The Black Forest," he answered, in a
+<!--351.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_352" id="Page_352">[p. 352]</a></span>
+voice of rolling thunder. I know not why it was, but
+at his reply my fear vanished, and my wrongs arose
+before me in their darkest coloring.</p>
+
+<p>"'"Can you aid me?" I asked, returning his piercing
+glance. Never shall I forget the fearful distinctness
+with which he said:</p>
+
+<p>"'"Hermann Vandervelt, I know what you would
+require of me, and you shall be satisfied, <i>but there is a
+price attached to my services</i>; three requests shall be
+granted, and then <i>you must be mine, soul and body</i>.
+Will you swear to this?"</p>
+
+<p>"'Like a maniac, I fell upon my knees before the
+stranger, shouting, in the height of passion: "Grant
+me but <i>revenge</i> upon the betrayer of my honor, and I
+will be yours, eternally yours, soul and body yours;
+I swear by the God who&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"'"Silence!" thundered the stranger, his eyes
+glowing like coals of withering, devouring fire.</p>
+
+<p>"'"Hermann, you must swear by the <i>Spirits
+of Hartz Mountains</i>." Wrought up to frenzy, I
+obeyed him. He dictated a fearful oath, and when
+I had repeated it, he said, in tones that froze my
+blood:</p>
+
+<p>"'"Hermann Vandervelt, take your rifle and seek
+your enemy; he shall fall by your hand. I will leave
+you this animal (pointing to the fawn,) and when you
+would see me, let it return to the forest. Remember,
+I have granted <i>one</i> request; <i>two</i> more shall be granted,
+<i>and then you will be mine</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"'His horrid laugh is still ringing in my ears. In
+silence, I opened the door, and beheld, dimly through
+the darkness, a tall steed with blazing eyes, standing
+<!--352.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_353" id="Page_353">[p. 353]</a></span>
+motionless upon the plain. As the stranger passed
+me, a momentary chill, like that of the grave, fell
+upon me; he mounted, and I saw him no longer.
+Grasping my rifle, I fled through the darkness like
+a fiend of blood, the White Fawn following my footsteps
+like a hound. No rest, no meat, did I take until
+I saw my enemy lying before me, bleeding to death,
+while the Fawn lapped his blood.</p>
+
+<p>"'"I am Hermann!" I shouted in his ears, and then
+flew back wildly, as I came. My child was nearly
+dead from neglect when I returned from the doubly-cursed
+spot; but I tended her faithfully, and she soon
+went forth with me to the forest; and the White
+Fawn never left her side.</p>
+
+<p>"'I was a successful hunter at first; but suddenly
+my fortune changed, and I could get no more food.
+Then was the spell of madness on me once more, and
+<i>I set the White Fawn free</i>. Again there came a
+knocking at the door; again the Fawn sprang in, followed
+by its master. <i>My second request was granted&mdash;there
+remains but one more!</i> From that night my
+familiar has met me on the borders of the Black
+Forest nightly, and the darkest depths are filled with
+game for me. Such is my story, Wilhelm, and here,
+on my bosom, reposes the child of my affection. Speak
+boldly, as becomes a man; would you wed the daughter
+of <i>Hermann, the Demented</i>?'</p>
+
+<p>"While the old man related his fearful story, various
+emotions were apparent on the handsome face of
+Wilhelm, but at its conclusion unwavering resolution
+was stamped upon his features.</p>
+
+<p>"'Hermann!' he said, extending his right hand to
+<!--353.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_354" id="Page_354">[p. 354]</a></span>
+the old hunter, 'I sincerely pity you as the victim of
+circumstances, but the blight does not touch Marcella;
+I love her more dearly than ever, and if you will give
+her to me, she shall find in me a husband who would
+shed his last drop of blood for her.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Wilhelm, you are worthy of my child, take her and
+may heaven grant you the blessings it has denied to
+me. Bring a holy man here to-morrow, and make her
+rightly yours. I would see her happy before I&mdash;' He
+suddenly paused, placed his weeping daughter in her
+lover's arms, and turned aside to hide the starting
+tear.</p>
+
+<p>"Soon Wilhelm was wending his way over the plain,
+and the innocent Marcella retired to her narrow apartment
+of wolf skins; but the old man sat with his face beneath
+the lamp, and the White Fawn crouched beside
+him. Long did he meditate through the lonely watches
+of the night, and the sweat of agony stood upon his
+temples. Slowly did he stagger to where the wolf
+skins hung, and raising them in his trembling hands,
+dwelt mournfully upon the picture before him. There,
+on her couch, in all the artless grace of slumber, lay
+the only being on earth whom he loved. One faultless
+arm was hidden beneath the pillow, the other half
+shadowed her face, and bore a glossy veil of flaxen
+curls. Her ruby lips were apart, as though she had
+fallen asleep while yet the evening prayer was on her
+tongue. Dimly streamed the light of the swinging
+lamp upon the human temple of purity, and Hermann,
+the Demented, wept like an artless child.</p>
+
+<p>"'It must be done&mdash;<i>it is the last</i>,' he murmured,
+<!--354.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_355" id="Page_355">[p. 355]</a></span>
+dropping the rude partition, and quickly opening the
+cabin door.</p>
+
+<p>"Swift as the meteor falling through the shades of
+night, flew the White Fawn out into the darkness,
+with a plaintive cry. With bowed head the old man
+clasped his hands and listened. He hears a shot, a
+bugle note echoes through the dew-ladened air, and the
+ghostly rider is again at his door.</p>
+
+<p>"'You sent for me, and I am here,' said Varno, entering
+the cabin, and casting the White Fawn cold
+and dead, upon the floor.</p>
+
+<p>"'I ask your aid!' said Hermann firmly.</p>
+
+<p>"'Remember, it is <i>the third and last time</i>,' muttered
+the stranger.</p>
+
+<p>"'I will fulfil my oath. Grant me my wish.'</p>
+
+<p>"'<i>Beware!</i>' thundered the other.</p>
+
+<p>"'Speak not so loudly, or you will wake my child,'
+said the hunter, gazing fearfully toward where Marcella
+slept.</p>
+
+<p>"'Fear not, good Hermann, the sleep of the innocent
+cannot be disturbed by a Spirit of Evil. Declare
+your wish and it shall be granted.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Then hear me, fiend, devil, or whatever thou art!
+I would have my child happy; I would have her husband
+ever warm in his love for her as he is this moment;
+I would have the curse of her parents forever
+averted from her head. Grant me this and I am
+thine.'</p>
+
+<p>"'It shall be so,' answered Varno, with something
+like pity in his tones. 'Thou must meet me at sunset
+on the evening of to-morrow, beside the <i>Witch's Circle</i>&mdash;there
+<!--355.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_356" id="Page_356">[p. 356]</a></span>
+shall our compact be fulfilled. <i>This is the
+third and last. Remember.</i></p>
+
+<p>"The dark spirit passed from the hut under the cliff
+but his shadow lingered behind; and the old hunter
+knelt beneath the swinging lamp, with the dead fawn
+at his feet, desolate and lone.</p>
+
+<p>"The day smiled brightly on Marcella, the genial
+sunbeams dispelling night's horrors. She looked sadly
+when her father told her how the White Fawn had
+been wounded by some wandering hunter, and had
+sought the hut to die there; but the presence of Wilhelm
+made her cheerful as the morn, and Hermann felt rewarded
+for his sacrifice.</p>
+
+<p>"A missionary monk stood within the old cabin,
+and said the words that joined two lives in one. When
+the holy rite was finished, the wedded pair knelt at
+the feet of The Demented, and called down Heaven's
+richest blessings on his head; but alas! he could not
+say 'Amen,' for he remembered his compact, and the
+words of Varno still rang in his ears. He watched his
+child with more than earthly care till the sun began
+to sink once more behind the Black Forest, then seizing
+his rifle, he kissed her blushing cheek, and sallied
+forth toward the mountains.</p>
+
+<p>"'Dear father, may you soon give up such unholy
+pastimes,' murmured Marcella, looking fondly after
+him as his grey hairs floated in the wind.</p>
+
+<p>"'God grant that he may,' murmured her husband,
+fervently, pressing her to his heart.</p>
+
+<p>"But the old hunter returned no more. The wolf started
+as he lay in his lair, when a man rushed by his covert
+in the Black Forest. A bugle, wildly sounded, awoke
+<!--356.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_357" id="Page_357">[p. 357]</a></span>
+the bird in his leafy bower. Two men met at the
+Witch's Circle, while a day was dying, and the shades
+of the wood closed over them forever."</p>
+
+<div class="center"><pre>       *       *       *       *       *</pre></div>
+
+<p class="right">
+Yours, contemplatively,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr</span>.<br /></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<!--357.png--><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_358" id="Page_358">[p. 358]</a></span></p>
+
+<h3><a name="LETTER_LXXIX" id="LETTER_LXXIX"></a>LETTER LXXIX.</h3>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>SHOWING HOW THE NATIONAL INSANITARY COMMITTEE MADE A
+STRANGE BLUNDER; HOW THE BELOVED GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL
+BRIGADE WAS REMOVED AND EXALTED; AND ENDING WITH
+AN INFALLIBLE RECIPE.</p></div>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Washington, D. C.</span>, November 15th, 1862.<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>As I calmly observe the present situation of our military
+affairs, my boy, and consider how persistently the
+Blue Ridge continues to get between our great strategic
+army and the dilapidated Southern Confederacy, I
+am impressed with the idea that the salvation of our
+distracted country demands the removal of either the
+Blue Ridge or the beloved General of the Mackerel
+Brigade.</p>
+
+<p>I admit, my boy, that the Mackerel Brigade has
+spent time enough in one locality since the last battle
+to remove the incompetent and imbecile Blue Ridge,
+and that the immense number of spades consigned to
+that veteran <i>corps</i> might be construed into the belief
+that they were really engaged in that great stragetic
+task. Furthermore, that the Mackerels have only succeeded
+in marching fifteen miles in six weeks, legitimates
+the supposition that they are going up very steep
+hills; but it must be borne in mind, my boy, that it is
+<!--358.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_359" id="Page_359">[p. 359]</a></span>
+the Honest Abe's best policy to conciliate all political
+parties for the sake of Northern unity of action,
+and it cannot be doubted that the removal of the Blue
+Ridge at this crisis would occasion the bitterest heart-burnings
+and jealousies in the manly bosom of our nation's
+Democratic organization. It would be construed
+into proof that the Honest Abe had yielded to
+the fiendish clamor of the crazy Abolitionists, and had
+rendered a restoration of the adored Union-as-it-Was
+of our forefathers impossible, by destroying that Blue
+Ridge which was an essential part of the Union. The
+manly Organization, my boy, would prefer an armistice
+with the unseemly Confederacy to a removal of
+the Blue Ridge&mdash;a removal, my boy, authorized neither
+by the Constitution, the pursuit of happiness, nor the
+rights of man. The Blue Ridge is at the head of our
+army, and our army is at the foot of the Blue Ridge.
+The mistaken Confederacy is on the other side, my boy,
+and the Organization very justly reasons, that the
+fiendish Abolitionists virtually confess themselves to
+be, in heart, on the same side with the Confederacy;
+for if their desired removal of the Blue Ridge were
+carried out, the distinction of the two opposite sides
+would be practically lost, and the United States of
+America and the Southern Confederacy would be all
+on one side, and there might be an unconstitutional
+collision.</p>
+
+<p>Hence, my boy, the Honest Abe has concluded to
+leave the Blue Ridge where it is, and remove the idolized
+General of the Mackerel Brigade.</p>
+
+<p>But before I proceed to describe the inexpressible
+anguish produced by the adoption of even this grievous
+<!--359.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_360" id="Page_360">[p. 360]</a></span>
+alternative, permit me to record the useful proceedings
+of the National Insanitary Committee, in their
+philanthropical investigation of the lunacy now prevailing
+to an alarming extent in the Army of Accomac.</p>
+
+<p>For some weeks past, my boy, insanity has been
+frightfully upon the increase in the ranks of the unconquerable
+Mackerel Brigade. Many Mackerels have
+even gone raving at times, persisting in the vague and
+incoherent exclamation that they "<i>Couldn't See It</i>."
+There was some hope that this terrible mental aberration
+might be stayed, if the superannuated <i>corps</i> were
+supplied with spectacles; but the relief thus given was
+only temporary; and finally, when one of the poor maniac
+chaps went so far as to yell, that, even by the aid of
+his spectacles, he couldn't see what was the use of butting
+against the Blue Ridge all the time, it was deemed
+proper to call in the National Insanitary Committee.</p>
+
+<p>Captain Samyule Sa-mith, whose duty it was to draw
+the Brigade up in two lines&mdash;the sane chaps on one
+side of the fence, and the insane on the other&mdash;hastened
+back to Accomac to finish a game of "Old Sledge," on
+which four drinks were distinctly pending, and left
+the aged Committee to perform its task at leisure.</p>
+
+<p>In anticipation of this sad ceremony, my boy, I had
+sent my architectural steed, the gothic Pegasus, down to
+Accomac, and thither I went on Tuesday morning, to
+amble totteringly from thence to the scene of Insanitary
+proceedings.</p>
+
+<p>The Committee had just commenced work upon its
+line of chaps, and was examining the patients one by
+one.
+<!--360.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_361" id="Page_361">[p. 361]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The first invalid, Lively Mike, was born in the Sixth
+Ward, and weighed ninety-two pounds. He was a
+poor, slouching chap, my boy, resembling poverty's
+Ruin, two-thirds covered by an ivy vine of rags. His
+angular countenance was rich with unwashings, save a
+clean irregular circle just around his ugly mouth.</p>
+
+<p>I asked how it happened that this one part of his
+face was clean, when all the rest was dirty; and they
+told me, my boy, that it was the place where his poor
+old mother had kissed him at parting.</p>
+
+<p>Lively Mike's first symptom of his dreadful malady
+was a feeling of overwhelming weariness, as though he
+had been for a long time in one spot doing nothing.
+The feeling deepened into sullen, dangerous madness,
+until it was finally unsafe to let him go at large, as he
+had several times attempted to shoot scouting Confederacies.</p>
+
+<p>The next hopeless patient was Big-nose Jake. Born
+at the commencement of his career in the Sixth Ward,
+and weighing ninety-four pounds without his knapsack,
+Big-nose had always enjoyed good health, with
+the exception of starvation; but was in the habit of
+muttering to himself that Strategy was a great humbug,
+and he'd rather die at home in his bunk in the
+engine-house than in a swamp, without a single fire in
+six months. His only way of keeping warm was by
+occasionally huddling up to a Confederate picket, and
+receiving <i>his</i> fire.</p>
+
+<p>No. 3 was Baby Jim, a resident of the Sixth Ward
+for many years, and weighing ninety-one pounds. His
+first attack of his malady came in the shape of an incoherent
+and irrepressible desire to get up a Directory
+<!--361.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_362" id="Page_362">[p. 362]</a></span>
+of Army Names, so that the families of Mackerels in
+the Army of Accomac might know where their relatives
+were, and how old they had got to be. Sometimes
+he would be suddenly seized with the absurd
+notion that the General of the Mackerel Brigade was
+killing more men by strategy than would be slain in
+fifty battles.</p>
+
+<p>Another hapless maniac was Cross-eyed Tom. His
+family is well known in the Sixth Ward; weight,
+ninety-seven pounds. Always enjoyed excellent health,
+until one day, when it suddenly struck him&mdash;uncalled-for,
+as it were&mdash;that he hadn't seen the Colonel of his
+regiment for six months. The demon of insanity
+tempted him to believe that his Colonel had all along
+been drinking bad gin and threatening to resign, in
+Washington, instead of staying with his men and getting
+acquainted with them. He knew that he must
+be entirely mistaken about this, but couldn't shake off
+the horrible delusion.</p>
+
+<p>A fifth lunatic was the Worth street Chicken. Had
+voted several times a day in the Sixth Ward, and
+weighed ninety-nine pounds. The Chicken could not
+say that he was really a sick man; but had moments
+when he could not resist the malignant temptation to
+imagine, that the celebrated Southern Confederacy was
+just as even with us now as it was a year ago, with
+several majestic raids for small trumps. At times he
+was troubled with bad dreams about all the Treasury
+Notes becoming worthless if the General of the Mackerel
+Brigade went into winter quarters.</p>
+
+<p>And so the Insanitary Committee went down the
+whole line, my boy, closely questioning the poor chaps
+<!--362.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_363" id="Page_363">[p. 363]</a></span>
+who had lost their reason, and eliciting continued
+proofs of the national ravages of Insanity.</p>
+
+<p>"Truly," says the chief Insanitary chap, cleaning his
+nails with his jack-knife; "truly these unhappy beings
+are hopelessly deranged, and must be sent to the Asylum.
+Their ravings are beyond all precedent."</p>
+
+<p>Just as he finished speaking, my boy, and whilst he
+was picking his teeth to assist meditation, Captain Samyule
+Sa-mith came riding hastily in from his successful
+game of "Old Sledge," bringing the stakes with him,
+and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"Well, old Medicusses, have you examined the beings
+which is unhappily bereft of sense?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yea," says the Insanitary chap, with a grievous
+groan, "we've examined all those poor creatures, in
+that whole line, and find them all hopelessly and incurably
+mad."</p>
+
+<p>Samyule gave such a start that he split one of his
+boots, and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Which</i> line?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, that line there," says the chap, pointing.</p>
+
+<p>"By all that's Federal!" says Samyule, slapping his
+left leg; "I'll be blessed if you old goslings hav'n't
+been examining the WRONG LINE! Them veterans
+there are the <i>sane</i> ones!"</p>
+
+<p>Insanity, my boy, like Charity, so seldom begins at
+home, that we sometimes mistake the best kind of sanity
+for it when we meet the latter, as a stranger,
+abroad. The man we call a maniac is frequently nothing
+more than a sane man seen through a maniac's
+spectacles.</p>
+
+<p>But the whole body of Mackerels, sane and insane
+<!--363.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_364" id="Page_364">[p. 364]</a></span>
+alike, unite in a feeling of strong anguish blended with
+enthusiasm, at the removal of the beloved General of
+the Mackerel Brigade. He has been so much a Father
+to them all, that they never expected to get a step farther
+while he was with them.</p>
+
+<p>There's a piece of domestic philosophy for you, my
+boy.</p>
+
+<p>When the General heard of his removal, my boy, he
+said that it was like divorcing a husband from a wife,
+who had always supported him, and immediately let
+fly the following</p>
+
+<p class="gentitle">
+<span class="smcap">Farewell Address.</span><br />
+<br />
+<i>Head-quarters of the Army of Accomac,<br />
+Foot of the Blue Ridge.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">My Children:</span>
+</p>
+
+<p>An order from the Honest Abe divorces us, and
+gives the command of all these attached beings to Major-General
+Wobert Wobinson. (Heartrending and
+enthusiastic cheers.)</p>
+
+<p>In parting with you, I cannot express how much I
+love your dear bosoms. As an army, you have grown
+from youth to old age under my care. In you I have
+never found doubt nor coldness, nor anything else.
+The victories you have won under my command will
+live in the nation's works of fiction. The strategy we
+have achieved, the graves of many unripe Mackerels,
+the broken forms of those disabled by the Emancipation
+Proclamation&mdash;the strongest associations that can
+<!--364.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_365" id="Page_365">[p. 365]</a></span>
+exist among men&mdash;still make it advisable that you
+should vote for me as President of the United States
+in 1865. Thus we shall ever be comrades in supporting
+the Constitution, and making the Constitution support
+us.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+<span class="smcap">The General of the Mackerel Brigade.</span><br />
+[Green Seal.]<br />
+</p>
+
+<p>It was while this affecting document was being read
+to the Army, my boy, that a procession of political
+chaps with banners and a small cannon, landed from a
+boat on Awlkwyet River, and came filing affably into
+camp. Only pausing to insult two correspondents of
+the <i>Tribune</i>, and to fire the cannon so close to a farmhouse
+that it broke all the windows, these pleasant
+chaps at once organized a meeting and gave orders
+that all fighting should be postponed till after the
+session.</p>
+
+<p>The Hon. Mr. X. Stream proceeded to say that he
+considered Mr. Lincoln a strictly honest, upright, able,
+and noble-hearted man (cheers); but it could not be
+denied that his Administration was a wretched failure&mdash;a
+blending of brutal imbecility with hellish despotism.
+(Much enthusiasm). While it continued so,
+everything in the stock-market would go up&mdash;<i>up</i>&mdash;<span class="smcap">UP</span>!
+until the bubble burst. The General of the Mackerel
+Brigade had been removed (universal sobbing) but it
+was only that he might shine the brighter before a
+Democratic Convention in 1865.</p>
+
+<p>The Hon. Prince Van Brumagen next spoke. Undoubtedly,
+he would be called a traitor for what he
+<!--365.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_366" id="Page_366">[p. 366]</a></span>
+was about to say, but he was accustomed to that sort
+of talk from every one who knew him. He wished to
+see this war vigorously pushed forward; but he could
+never consent to see violence offered to men who only
+warred against us because they were mistaken. Our
+Southern friends had imagined that the Abolitionists
+wanted to prevent their enjoyment of the pursuit of
+happiness which was guaranteed to them by the Constitution.
+They were mistaken, and seceded. The
+Union as it was had passed away from us, but was undoubtedly
+somewhere on the Globe; and as the Globe
+was constantly revolving, we had only to stand still,
+and it would come round again to us in due time.</p>
+
+<p>The Hon. Fernando Fuel next undressed his thoughts
+to the meeting. As proprietor of the City of New
+York, which he had frequently bought, he protested
+against the removal of the General of the Mackerel
+Brigade at this inclement season of the year. The
+idolized General was beloved even by the Rebels, and
+his own devoted troops had cheered even louder when
+parting with him, if possible, than when he had first
+come among them.</p>
+
+<p>Here the speaker was interrupted by a chap who
+suddenly touched off the cannon and simultaneously
+unfurled a new banner. Borrowing a piece of smoked
+glass, I looked through it at the dazzling standard, and
+read upon its eloquent folds:
+<!--366.png--><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_367" id="Page_367">[p. 367]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="center" style="width: 25em; margin: auto; border: dotted 2px; padding: 1em;">
+<span style="line-height: 2em;">
+REGULAR HIGH-MORAL NOMINATIONS!<br />
+<br />
+FOR THE SENATE IMMEDIATELY;<br />
+AND<br />
+FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IN 1865.<br />
+THE (<span style="font-size: 0.6em">LATE</span>) GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
+</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Observe, my boy, this simple rule, to make a hero
+of a fool:</p>
+
+<p>Just keep him where he is, until his lack of wisdom,
+want of Skill, attract unto his banner those who, from
+perverseness, <i>will</i> have foes. Then freely make his
+dullness known; and when you'd cast him from his
+throne, you'll find become <i>his</i> followers true, all men
+who seek a feud with <i>you</i>. To serve the always-malcontent,
+and give their spleen a chance for vent, a
+knave, a dunce, a stump! would do as well, my boy,
+as I, or you.</p>
+
+<p>When cats and politicians quarrel, "use any cat's-paw",
+is the moral.</p>
+
+<p class="right">
+Yours, sagely,<br />
+<span class="smcap">Orpheus C. Kerr.</span><br /></p>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<!--368.png-->
+
+
+<div class="figcenter">
+<img src="images/i_368.png" width="116" height="90" title="Publisher's Emblem" alt="Publisher's Emblem" />
+</div>
+
+<p class="center" style="font-size: 1.5em">
+NEW BOOKS<br />
+<br />
+And New Editions Recently Issued by<br />
+<br />
+CARLETON, PUBLISHER,<br />
+<br />
+<span style="font-size: 0.7em">(Late RUDD &amp; CARLETON,)<br />
+<br />
+<i>413 BROADWAY, NEW YORK.</i><br /></span>
+</p>
+
+<p class="center" style="font-size: 0.8em">N.B.&mdash;<span class="smcap">The Publisher</span>, upon receipt of the price in advance, will send any
+of the following Books,<br />by mail, <span class="smcap">POSTAGE FREE</span>, to any part of the United States.
+This convenient and very safe mode may be<br />adopted when the neighboring Booksellers
+are not supplied with the desired work. State name and address in full.</p>
+
+
+<h4>Les Miserables.</h4>
+
+
+<p class="center">Victor Hugo's great novel&mdash;the only complete unabridged translation.<br />
+Library Edition. Five vols. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; 12mo. cloth, each, $1.00.<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The same, five vols.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; 8vo. cloth, $1.00. Paper covers, 50 cts.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The same, (cheap ed.) 1 vol.&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;  8vo. cloth, $1.50. paper, $1.00.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Les Miserables&mdash;Illustrations.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">26 photographic illustrations, by Brion. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Elegant quarto, $3.00.
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Among the Pines,</h4>
+
+<p class="center">or, Down South in Secession Time. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Cloth, $1.00, paper, 75 cts.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>My Southern Friends.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">By author of "Among the Pines." &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Cloth, $1.00. paper, 75 cts.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Rutledge.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">A powerful American novel, by an unknown author, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.50.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>The Sutherlands.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">The new novel by the popular author of "Rutledge," &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.50.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>The Habits of Good Society.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">A hand-book for ladies and gentlemen. Best, wittiest, most<br />
+entertaining work on taste and good manners ever printed, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.50.<br />
+</p>
+
+
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+
+<p class="center">A magnificent new historical novel, by Charles Reade, author<br />
+of "Peg Woffington," etc., &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; cloth, $1.50, paper covers, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.25.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Beulah.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">A novel of remarkable power, by Miss A. J. Evans. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.50.<br />
+</p>
+<!--369.png-->
+
+<h4>Artemus Ward, His Book.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">The racy writings of this humorous author. Illustrated, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.25.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>The Old Merchants of New York.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">Entertaining reminiscences of ancient mercantile New York<br />
+City, by "Walter Barrett, clerk."  First Series. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.50 each.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Like and Unlike.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">Novel by A. S. Roe, author of "I've been thinking," &amp;c. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.50.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Orpheus C. Kerr Papers.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">Second series of letters by this comic military authority. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.25.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Marian Grey.</h4>
+
+
+
+<p class="center">New domestic novel, by the author of "Lena Rivers," etc. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.50.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Lena Rivers.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">A popular American novel, by Mrs. Mary J. Holmes, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.50.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>A Book about Doctors.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">An entertaining volume about the medical profession. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.50.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>The Adventures of Verdant Green.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">Humorous novel of English College life. Illustrated. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.25.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>The Culprit Fay.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">Joseph Rodman Drake's faery poem, elegantly printed, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; 50 cts.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Doctor Antonio.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">A charming love-tale of Italian life, by G. Ruffini, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.50.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Lavinia.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">A new love-story, by the author of "Doctor Antonio," &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.50.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Dear Experience.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">An amusing Parisian novel, by author "Doctor Antonio," &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.00.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>The Life of Alexander Von Humboldt.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">A new and popular biography of this <i>savant</i>, including his<br />
+travels and labors, with introduction by Bayard Taylor, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.50.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Love (L'Amour.)</h4>
+
+<p class="center">A remarkable volume, from the French of Michelet. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.25.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Woman (La Femme.)</h4>
+
+<p class="center">A continuation of "Love (L'Amour)," by same author, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.25.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>The Sea (La Mer.)</h4>
+
+<p class="center">New work by Michelet, author "Love" and "Woman," &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.25.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>The Moral History of Woman.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">Companion to Michelet's "L'Amour," from the French, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.25.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Mother Goose for Grown Folks.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">Humorous and satirical rhymes for grown people, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; 75 cts.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>The Kelly's and the O'Kelly's.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">Novel by Anthony Trollope, author of "Doctor Thorne," &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.50.<br />
+</p>
+<!--370.png-->
+
+<h4>The Great Tribulation.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">Or, Things coming on the earth, by Rev. John Cumming, D.D.,<br />
+author "Apocalyptic Sketches," etc., two series, each &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.00.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>The Great Preparation.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">Or, Redemption draweth nigh, by Rev. John Cumming, D.D.,<br />
+author "The Great Tribulation," etc., two series, each &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.00.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>The Great Consummation.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">Sequel "Great Tribulation," Dr. Cumming, two series, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.00.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Teach us to Pray.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">A new work on The Lord's Prayer, by Dr. Cumming, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.00.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>The Slave Power.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">By Jas. E. Cairnes, of Dublin University, Lond. ed. &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.25.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Game Fish of the North.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">A sporting work for Northern States and Canada. Illus., &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.50.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Drifting About.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">By Stephen C. Massett ("Jeemes Pipes"), illustrated, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.25.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>The Flying Dutchman.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">A humorous Poem by John G. Saxe, with illustrations, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; 50 cts.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Notes on Shakspeare.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">By Jas. H. Hackett, the American Comedian (portrait), &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.50.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>The Spirit of Hebrew Poetry.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">By Isaac Taylor, author "History of Enthusiasm," etc., &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $2.00.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>A Life of Hugh Miller.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">Author of "Testimony of the Rocks," &amp;c., new edition, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.50.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>A Woman's Thoughts about Women.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">By Miss Dinah Mulock, author of "John Halifax," etc., &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.00.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Curiosities of Natural History.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">An entertaining vol., by F. T. Buckland; two series, each &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.25.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>The Partisan Leader.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">Beverley Tucker's notorious Southern Disunion novel, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.25.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Cesar Birotteau.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">First of a series of Honore de Balzac's best French novels, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.00.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Petty Annoyances of Married Life.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">The second of the series of Balzac's best French novels, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.00.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>The Alchemist.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">The third of the series of the best of Balzac's novels, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.00.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Eugenie Grandet.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">The fourth of the series of Balzac's best French novels, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.00.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>The National School for the Soldier.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">Elementary work for the soldier; by Capt. Van Ness, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; 50 cts.<br />
+</p>
+<!--371.png-->
+
+<h4>Tom Tiddler's Ground.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">Charles Dickens's new Christmas Story, paper cover, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; 25 cts.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>National Hymns.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">An essay by Richard Grant White. 8vo. embellished, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.00.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>George Brimley.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">Literary Essays reprinted from the British Quarterlies, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.25.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Thomas Bailey Aldrich.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">First complete collection of Poems, blue and gold binding, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.00.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Out of His Head.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">A strange and eccentric romance by T. B. Aldrich, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.00.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>The Course of True Love.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">Never did run smooth. A Poem by Thomas B. Aldrich, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; 50 cts.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Poems of a Year.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">By Thomas B. Aldrich, author of "Babie Bell," &amp;c., &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; 75 cts.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>The King's Bell.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">A Medi&aelig;val Legend in verse, by R. H. Stoddard, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; 75 cts.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>The Morgesons.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">A clever novel of American Life, by Mrs. R. H. Stoddard, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.00.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Beatrice Cenci.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">An historical novel by F. D. Guerrazzi, from the Italian, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.50.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Isabella Orsini.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">An historical novel by the author of "Beatrice Cenci," &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.25.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>A Popular Treatise on Deafness.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">For individuals and families, by E. B. Lighthill, M.D., &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.00.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Oriental Harems and Scenery.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">A gossipy work, translated from the French of Belgiojoso, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.25.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Lola Montez.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">Her lectures and autobiography, with a steel portrait, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.25.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>John Doe and Richard Roe.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">A novel of New York city life, by Edward S. Gould, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.00.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Doesticks' Letters.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">The original letters of this great humorist, illustrated, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.50.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Plu-ri-bus-tah.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">A comic history of America, by "Doesticks," illus., &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.50.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>The Elephant Club.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">A humorous description of club-life, by "Doesticks," &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.50.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>Vernon Grove.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">A novel by Mrs. Caroline H. Glover, Charleston, S. C., &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.00.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>The Book of Chess Literature.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">A complete Encyclop&aelig;dia of this subject, by D. W. Fiske, &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; $1.50.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<div><a name="Corrections" id="Corrections"></a></div>
+<pre>
+Transcriber's Note: Blank pages have been deleted. Illustrations may
+have been moved. Discovered publisher's punctuation errors have been
+corrected. In addition, the following errors have been corrected:
+
+ p. 25: salt--which is verydear[very dear] here just
+ p. 27: for mr. bob peter's[peters'] "hours" at home were
+ p. 29: connection with the childrem[children] of ham, it
+ p. 33: south. after this overpowing[overpowering] revelation, it was
+ p. 33: that mr. bob peter's[peters'] presentation to
+ p. 37: in the heavy dalies,[dailies] and philosophical poetry
+ p. 56: the account of mr. peter's[peters'] arrest in the
+ p. 61: a musket ball be's[he's] comin' shtraight to
+ p. 66: making a rapid retrogade[retrograde] movement, when villiam
+ p. 74: i made a reconnoisance[reconnoissance] in force, on
+ p. 79: have sometimes feared, by[my] boy, that our
+ p. 97: moral drama by captaim[captain] villiam brown.
+ p. 105: second regular meeting ot[of] the cosmopolitan club,
+ p. 106: electrified by the treaures[treasures] of british literature
+ p. 118: wink at secession symphathizers[sympathizers]. it takes so
+ p. 129: the veteran mackerel signed[sighed] deeply, as he spread open
+ p. 138: a horse physically incapacited[incapacitated] from running away
+ p. 143: great original and geniune[genuine] 'tis he; a
+ p. 151: of life when women[woman] usually becomes the principal
+ p. 154: far out-sped my pusuers[pursuers]; but human nature
+ p. 154: dearly, i was abont[about] to stand at bay,
+ p. 161: masses over my throbing[throbbing] brow, the cowardly
+ p. 163: bosom, and the stilletto[stiletto] in her hand.
+ p. 168: of the skillful retrogade[retrograde] advance to which i
+ p. 169: beheld the idolized genral[general] of the mackerel brigade
+ p. 172: says the geneneral[general], with paternal affability
+ p. 174: in which our co respondent[correspondent] astonishes us by
+ p. 178: no "enigma," as voluutarily[voluntarily]-puzzled poets have
+ p. 183: money often does--brute insanity[brute-insanity] sometimes
+ p. 188: might cause a prostraton[prostration] in the liquor business,
+ p. 228: of captain samyule sa-smith[sa-mith] to perish heroically
+ p. 231: at paris and loudon[london], my boy, and the
+ p. 232: be outdone, the loudon[london] tumbler issued an
+ p. 235: the word, and instaneously[instantaneously] led company 2 down
+ p. 246: fords of allkwyet riyer[river], in the rear
+ p. 248: of the mackerel brigrade[brigade] will further recommend,
+ p. 250: than the most wierd[weird] and perpetual haze
+ p. 257: at the nether continnations[continuations] of our country's
+ p. 258: operations and entrap stonwall[stonewall] jackson's whole
+ p. 264: and he eat[ate] and drank with his visiter[visitor]
+ p. 266: willing hand in extacy[ecstasy]. 'then indeed have i
+ p. 272: "'five thousand doblas," answered nemly[nemyl], composedly.
+ p. 272: god; 'what an houri[hour]!' he exclaimed, kissing her
+ p. 276: are you--his--slave?' gasped gartstoff[garstoff], staggering
+ p. 277: two slaves will will[delete will] bring you to me.
+ p. 291: he took his deparure[departure]. "then forth sprang orloff
+ p. 295: past; i am satified[satisfied] that you are a
+ p. 297: a moment of ungoverable[ungovernable] passion i spoke words
+ p. 298: for the unseemly villany[villainy] of the accursed
+ p. 302: bereaved country should sudnenly[suddenly] be called to
+ p. 308: from a cold potatoe[potato] which he held in
+ p. 313: feigns forgotten friends; grout[gout], grimly griping
+ p. 316: slept in the hous[house] to take care
+ p. 318: had the army being[been] insufficient to secure you,
+ p. 321: and make me turn [into] an arrogant and contemptuous
+ p. 325: language of an incedeniary[incendiary] description against
+ p. 325: of captains bob shortly[shorty], samyule sa-mith,
+ p. 327: court felt convinced that that[del 2nd that] the second
+ p. 326: ours, to investigate certing[certain] charges against
+ p. 331: with quivering watch-seal. onr[our] president, my boy,
+ p. 344: caressed the fawn. a[at] length she spoke:
+ p. 351: scarcely had the sacreligious[sacrilegious] petition left my
+ p. 350: "'"varno of het[the] black forest," he answered,
+ p. 355: night, flew the wbite[white] fawn out into the
+</pre>
+
+<div><a href="#Start">Start of text.</a></div>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers. Series 2, by 
+Robert H. Newell
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS, SERIES 2 ***
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+</pre>
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+</body>
+</html>
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+Project Gutenberg's The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers. Series 2, by Robert H. Newell
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers. Series 2
+
+Author: Robert H. Newell
+
+Release Date: December 26, 2010 [EBook #34754]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS, SERIES 2 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Chris Curnow, Henry Gardiner and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Transcriber's Note: Italics are indicated like _this_. The original
+publication has been replicated faithfully except as listed at the end
+of this text.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+                                  THE
+
+                        ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS.
+
+                            SECOND SERIES.
+
+                               NEW YORK:
+                  _Carleton, Publisher, 413 Broadway._
+                       (LATE RUDD & CARLETON.)
+                             M DCCC LXIII.
+
+
+
+
+  Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1862.
+
+  BY GEO. W. CARLETON.
+
+  In the Clerk's office of the District Court
+  for the Southern District of New York.
+
+
+
+
+                                CONTENTS.
+
+
+                              LETTER LIII.
+
+  NOTING THE LAMENTABLE INCONVENIENCES OF A "PRESS-CENSORSHIP," AND
+      PARTIALLY REVEALING THE CIRCUMSTANCES ATTENDANT ON A MARVELLOUS
+      STRATEGIC CHANGE OF BASE BY THE MACKEREL BRIGADE                9
+
+                              LETTER LIV.
+
+  ILLUSTRATING THE DISASTROUS EFFECTS OF STRATEGY UPON NATIONAL
+      LITERATURE, AS EXEMPLIFIED IN THE ORIGINAL TALE READ BY OUR
+      CORRESPONDENT BEFORE THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB                     17
+
+                              LETTER LV.
+
+  SETTING FORTH A NEW VILLAINY OF THE BLACK REPUBLICANS, AND
+      DESCRIBING THE THRILLING CONSTITUTIONAL BATTLE OF DUCK LAKE    60
+
+                              LETTER LVI.
+
+  WHEREIN ARE PRESENTED SOME FEMININE REFERENCES, AN ANECDOTE BY THE
+      EXECUTIVE, AND CERTAIN NOTES OF A VISIT TO THE FESTIVE
+      SHENANDOAH VALLEY                                              69
+
+                              LETTER LVII.
+
+  SUGGESTING MENTAL RELAXATION FOR A TIME, AND INTRODUCING A FAMILIAR
+      SKETCH OF THE WAR-STRICKEN DRAMA IN THE RURAL DISTRICTS        80
+
+                              LETTER LVIII.
+
+  SHOWING HOW THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE ISSUED AN AFFECTING
+      GENERAL ORDER, EXEMPLIFYING THE BEAUTIES OF A SPADE CAMPAIGN AS
+      EXHIBITED IN STRATEGY HALL, AND CELEBRATING A NOTABLE CASE OF
+      NAVAL STRATEGY                                                 88
+
+                              LETTER LIX.
+
+  INSTANCING THE BENEFICENT DEPORTMENT OF THE VENERABLE GAMMON, AND
+      NOTING THE PERFORMANCE OF A REMARKABLE MORAL DRAMA BY CAPTAIN
+      VILLIAM BROWN                                                  97
+
+                              LETTER LX.
+
+  REPORTING THE SECOND REGULAR MEETING OF THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB, AND
+      THE BRITISH MEMBER'S CITATION OF THE ENGLISH POETS            105
+
+                              LETTER LXI.
+
+  PORTRAYING A SOCIAL EFFECT OF THE POSTAGE-STAMP CURRENCY,
+      DESCRIBING THE GREAT WAR MEETING IN ACCOMAC, RECORDING THE
+      LATEST EXPLOIT OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE, AND INTRODUCING A
+      DRAFTING ITEM                                                 118
+
+                              LETTER LXII.
+
+  CONTAINING FRESH TRIBUTES OF ADMIRATION TO THE DEVOTED WOMEN OF
+      AMERICA, AND DEVELOPING THE GREAT COLONIZATION SCHEME OF THE
+      GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE BLACK
+      RACE                                                          128
+
+                              LETTER LXIII.
+
+  GIVING A FAMILIAR ZOOLOGICAL ILLUSTRATION OF THE "SITUATION," AND
+      CELEBRATING THE BRILLIANT STRATEGICAL EVACUATION OF PARIS BY
+      THE MACKEREL BRIGADE                                          136
+
+                              LETTER LXIV.
+
+  SHOWING HOW THE CO-MOPOLITANS MET AGAIN, TO BE INTRODUCED TO THE
+      "NEUTRAL BRITISH GENTLEMAN," AND HEAR M. BONBON'S FRENCH
+      STORY                                                         143
+
+                              LETTER LXV.
+
+  NOTING THE REMARKABLE RETROGRADE ADVANCE OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE
+      UPON WASHINGTON, AND THE UNSEEMLY RAID OF THE RECKLESS
+      CONFEDERACY                                                   166
+
+                              LETTER LXVI.
+
+  IN WHICH OUR CORRESPONDENT ASTONISHES US BY ENGAGING IN SINGLE
+      COMBAT WITH M. MICHELET, AND DEMOLISHING "L'AMOUR" AND "LA
+      FEMME"                                                        174
+
+                              LETTER LXVII.
+
+  GIVING ASSURANCE OF THE UNMITIGATED SAFETY OF THE CAPITAL,
+      EXEMPLIFYING COLONEL WOBINSON'S DRAFTING EXPERIENCE, AND
+      NARRATING A GREAT METAPHYSICAL VICTORY                        184
+
+                              LETTER LXVIII.
+
+  INTRODUCING ONCE MORE THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB, WITH A CURIOUS
+      "LAMENT," AND A STORY FROM THE SPANISH MEMBER                 196
+
+                              LETTER LXIX.
+
+  ILLUSTRATING THE IMPERTURBABLE CALMNESS OF THE NATIONAL CAPITAL,
+      AND NOTING THE MEMORABLE INVASION OF ACCOMAC                  220
+
+                              LETTER LXX.
+
+  COMMENCING WITH HISTORICAL REFERENCE; RELATING THE EPISODE OF
+      SPURIOSO GRIMALDI, AND DETAILING THE LAMENTABLE FAILURE OF
+      CAPTAIN SAMYULE SA-MITH TO PERISH HEROICALLY                  228
+
+                              LETTER LXXI.
+
+  SHOWING HOW THE PRESIDENT AND THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE
+      ISSUED GREAT EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATIONS, AND HOW THE CHAPLAIN
+      WROTE A RADICAL POEM                                          238
+
+                              LETTER LXXII.
+
+  REPORTING THE LATEST SMALL STORY FROM "HONEST ABE," AND DESCRIBING
+      THE MOST MERCENARY BAYONET CHARGE ON RECORD                   250
+
+                              LETTER LXXIII.
+
+  MAKING MENTION OF ANOTHER MEETING OF THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB, AT
+      WHICH THE TURKISH AND RUSSIAN MEMBERS READ THEIR STORIES      260
+
+                              LETTER LXXIV.
+
+  CONCERNING THE SERIOUS MISTAKE OF THE VENERABLE GAMMON, THE
+      CHAPLAIN'S POETICAL DISCOVERY, THE PROMOTION OF COMMODORE HEAD,
+      AND THE RECEPTION OF THE PRESIDENT'S PROCLAMATION BY THE
+      SOUTHERN CONFEDERACY                                          299
+
+                              LETTER LXXV.
+
+  SETTING FORTH THE FALSE AND TRUE ASPECTS OF BEAMING OLD AGE
+      RESPECTIVELY, AND SHOWING HOW THE UNBLUSHING CONFEDERACY MADE
+      ANOTHER RAID                                                  310
+
+                              LETTER LXXVI.
+
+  REFERRING TO THE MOSQUITO AS A TEST OF HUMAN NATURE, EXPLAINING THE
+      LONG HALT OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE, AND NOTING THE COURT OF
+      INQUIRY ON CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN                              320
+
+                              LETTER LXXVII.
+
+  SHOWING WHAT EFFECT DEMOCRATIC TRIUMPHS HAVE UPON THE PRESIDENT,
+      NOTING OUR CORRESPONDENT'S STRANGE MISTAKE ABOUT A BRITISH
+      FLAG, AND INDICATING THE STRATEGIC ADVANCE OF THE MACKEREL
+      BRIGADE                                                       328
+
+                              LETTER LXXVIII.
+
+  IN WHICH THE STORY TOLD BY THE GERMAN MEMBER OF THE COSMOPOLITAN
+      CLUB IS DULY REPORTED                                         337
+
+                              LETTER LXXIX.
+
+  SHOWING HOW THE NATIONAL INSANITARY COMMITTEE MADE A STRANGE
+      BLUNDER; HOW THE BELOVED GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE WAS
+      REMOVED AND EXALTED; AND ENDING WITH AN INFALLIBLE RECIPE     358
+
+
+
+
+                                  THE
+
+                        ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS.
+
+                             SECOND SERIES.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LIII.
+
+  NOTING THE LAMENTABLE INCONVENIENCES OF A "PRESS-CENSORSHIP," AND
+      PARTIALLY REVEALING THE CIRCUMSTANCES ATTENDANT ON A MARVELLOUS
+      STRATEGIC CHANGE OF BASE BY THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
+
+
+                                      WASHINGTON, D. C., July 6, 1862.
+
+When in the course of human events, my boy, it becomes necessary for a
+chap of respectable parentage to write a full and graphic account of a
+great battle, without exasperating the press-censor by naming the
+locality of the conflict, nor giving the number of the troops engaged,
+the officers commanding, the movements of the different regiments, the
+nature of the ground, the time of day, or the result of the struggle;
+when it becomes necessary for a chap of respectable parentage to do
+this, my boy, that chap reminds me of a poor chap I once knew in the
+Sixth Ward.
+
+The poor chap took daguerreotype-likenesses in high style for low
+prices, and one day, there came to his third-story Louvre a
+good-looking young man, dressed in a high botanical vest-pattern and
+six large-sized breast-pins, and says he to the picture chap,
+confidentially:
+
+"There's a young woman living in Henry-street, which I love, and who
+admires to see my manly shape; but her paternal father refuses to
+receive me into the family on account of my low celery. Now," says the
+breastpin-chap, knowingly, "I will give you just twenty-five dollars if
+you'll go to that house and take the portrait of that young lady for
+me, pretending that you have heard of her unearthly charms, and want
+her picture, to add to the collection shortly to be sent to the Prince
+of Wales."
+
+Having witnessed the worst passions of his landlord that morning, my
+boy, and received a telegraphic dispatch of immediate importance from
+his tailor, the artist chap heard about the twenty-five dollar job with
+a species of deep rapture, and undertook to do the job. He went to the
+Henry-street palatial mansion with his smallest camera under his arm,
+and when he got into the parlor he sent for the young lady. But she
+didn't see it in that light, my boy, and she wouldn't come down. For a
+moment the poor chap was in a fix; but he was there to take her
+portrait, or perish in the attempt, and as he saw an oil-painting of
+the young girl over the mantelpiece, he took that, and skedaddled. The
+next day the breastpin-chap called at his Louvre again, and says to him:
+
+"Have you taken Sary's portrait?"
+
+"Yes," says the artist chap, "I took it."
+
+"Where is it?" says the breastpin-chap with emotion.
+
+"There it is," says the artist-chap, pointing to the oil-painting, with
+a pleasing expression of countenance.
+
+As high art is not appreciated in this country, my boy, a policeman
+called at the Louvre that afternoon and removed the artist-chap to a
+place which is so musical that all the windows have bars, and each man
+carries a stave.
+
+As my taste for music is not uncontrollable at present, my boy, and I
+can't write a full account of a battle, without referring in some
+degree to the struggle, which we are forbidden to mention, I shall not
+be particular as to details.
+
+I am permitted to say that I went down to Paris with my gothic steed
+Pegasus on Monday last, and found the Mackerel Brigade coming back
+across Duck Lake with the frantic intention of changing its base of
+operations. The Conic Section, my boy, had been ordered to advance and
+force the Southern Confederacy to compel it to retreat, and the
+rapidity with which this was accomplished was a brilliant vindication
+of the consummate strategy of the general of the Mackerel Brigade. I
+found the general a few miles back of the scene of action issuing
+orders--for the same, with a little more sugar, and says I:
+
+"Well, my indefatigable Napoleon, have you changed your base
+successfully?"
+
+The general smiled like a complacent porpoise, and says he:
+
+"We've reached our second base, my friend, being compelled to do so by
+the treble force of the enemy."
+
+I went on to the second base, which I reached just in time to see
+Captain Villiam Brown, on his geometrical steed Euclid, arresting the
+flight of Company 3, Regiment 5, under Captain Samyule Sa-mith.
+
+"Samyule! Samyule!" says Villiam, feeling behind him to make sure that
+his canteen was all right, "is this the way you treat the United States
+of America at such a critical period in her distracted history?"
+
+"I scorn your insinivation," says Samyule, "and repel your observation.
+I am executing a rapid flank movement according to Hardee."
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, "excuse my flighty remarks. I do not mean to say
+that you can be frightened," says Villiam, soothingly; "but it's my
+opinion that your mother was very much annoyed by a large-sized _fly_
+just before you were added to the census of the United States of
+America."
+
+Villiam's idea of the connection between cause and effect, my boy, is
+as clear as a brandy-punch when the sugar settles.
+
+The battle now raged in a manner which I am not permitted to describe,
+with results I am not allowed to communicate. Villiam appeared wherever
+the fray was the thickest, waving his celebrated sword Escalibar
+(Anglo-Saxon of crowbar), and encouraging all the faint-hearted ones to
+get between himself and the blazing Confederacy. Borne a considerable
+distance backward by the force of circumstances, he had reached a
+comparatively clear spot in the rear, when he suddenly found himself
+confronted by Captain Munchausen, of the Southern Confederacy.
+
+Captain Munchausen was mounted upon the thinnest excuse for four legs
+that I ever saw, my boy; and what tempted nature to form such an excuse
+when the same amount of bone-work would have brought more money, it was
+not for mortal man to know.
+
+"Ha!" says Villiam, hastily reining-up Euclid, and touching his sword
+Escalibar, ominously, "we meet once more to discuss the great national
+question of personal carnage."
+
+"Sir," says Captain Munchausen, superciliously waving his keen edged
+poker and drawing his fiery steed up from his knees, "it is my private
+intention to produce some slaughter in a private family of the name of
+Brown."
+
+Fire flashed from Villiam's eyes, he replaced a small flask in his
+bosom, and says he:
+
+"Come on, and let the fight come off."
+
+Then, my boy, commenced a series of equestrian manoeuvres calculated to
+exemplify all the latest improvements in cavalry tactics and patent
+circusses.--Round and round each other rode the fierce foemen, bobbing
+convulsively in their saddles like exasperated jumping-jacks, and
+cutting the atmosphere into minute slices with their deadly blades. Now
+did the determined Villiam amble sideways toward the rebel, thrusting
+fiercely at him when only a few yards intervened between them; and anon
+did the foaming Munchausen wriggle fiercely backward against the
+haunches of the steed Euclid, slashing right and left with tumultuous
+perspiration.
+
+It was when this thrilling combat was at the hottest that the steed
+Euclid, being exasperated by a large blue-bottle fly, arose airily to
+his hind legs, and carried the Union champion right on top of his
+enemy. Down came the glittering Escalibar on the shoddy helmet of the
+astonished Munchausen; but the deadly blade was not sharp enough for
+its purpose, and only caused the foeman to make hasty profane remarks.
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, bitterly, eyeing his sword as Euclid waltzed
+backward, "I forgot to sharpen my brand after cutting that last plate
+of smoke-beef."
+
+"Surrender!" shouted the unmanly Munchausen, noticing that Villiam was
+sheathing his blade, and bearing gracefully down upon him in an
+elaborate equestrian polka.
+
+"Never!" says Villiam, drawing his revolver, and firing madly into the
+setting sun.
+
+Swiftly as the lightning flashes did the Confederate champion follow
+suit with his pistol, sending a bullet horribly whizzing into the
+nearest tree.
+
+"Die!" shouted Villiam, prancing excitedly in all directions, and
+delivering another shot. Then he gazed upon his revolver with an
+expression of inexpressible woe. The weapon had deceived him!
+
+"Perish!" roared Munchausen, discharging another barrel as he went
+hopping about. After which, he ground his teeth, and gazed upon his
+pistol with speechless fury. The weapon had played him false!
+
+I was gazing with breathless interest on this desperate encounter, my
+boy, expecting to see more slaughter, when Captain Munchausen suddenly
+turned his spirited stallion, and fled frantically from the scene; for
+he had heard the shouts of the approaching Mackerels, and did not care
+to be taken just then.
+
+"Ha!" says Villiam, gazing severely at Company 3, Regiment 5, as it
+came pouring forward, "has the Southern Confederacy concluded to submit
+to the United States of America?"
+
+What the answer was, my boy, I am not allowed to say; but you may rest
+satisfied that a thing has been done which I am not permitted to
+divulge; and should this lead, as I hope it will, to a movement I am
+not suffered to make public, it cannot fail to result in a consummation
+which I am forbidden to make known. But if, on the other hand, the
+strategic movement which I am not at liberty to describe should be
+followed by a stroke I am restrained from explaining, you will find
+that the effect it would not be judicious in me to set forth, will
+produce a consequence which the War Department denies me the privilege
+of developing.
+
+I was speaking to a New England Congress chap, this morning, concerning
+the recent events which I am compelled to remain silent about, and,
+says he: "The proper way to save the Union is to bewilder the rebels by
+issuing calls for fresh troops at breakfast-time, and countermanding
+the calls as soon as the coffee comes in. Strategy," says the grave
+legislative chap, thoughtfully, "is not confined to the tented field;
+it may be used with good effect by Cabinet ministers; and our recent
+proposal to reduce the army 150,000 men was a piece of consummate
+legislative strategy."
+
+Legislative strategy is a very good thing to bewilder the rebels, my
+boy; and if it also bewilders everybody else, the moral effect of the
+adjournment of Congress will prove rather beneficial than otherwise to
+our distracted country.
+
+                                   Yours, under suppression,
+                                                        ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                               LETTER LIV.
+
+  ILLUSTRATING THE DISASTROUS EFFECTS OF STRATEGY UPON NATIONAL
+      LITERATURE, AS EXEMPLIFIED IN THE ORIGINAL TALE READ BY OUR
+      CORRESPONDENT BEFORE THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB.
+
+
+                                      WASHINGTON, D. C., July 9th, 1862.
+
+A few weeks ago, my boy, when national strategy seemed rapidly coming
+to a distinct understanding with the American Eagle, and the fall of
+Richmond had resolved itself into a mere question of time--as slightly
+distinguished from Eternity,--I became a member of the Cosmopolitan
+Club.
+
+This club, my boy, is a select draft from the host of clumsy but
+respectable foreigners now assembled here to criticize the military
+performances of our distracted country, and I have the honor to
+represent my native land, _solus_, in it. Its members are, a civilized
+Russian chap named Vitchisvitch, a Turk named N. E. Ottoman, an
+Englishman named Smith-Brown, a Frenchman named Bonbon, a German named
+Tuyfeldock, a Spaniard and myself.
+
+The object of this small international organization, which meets once
+every three weeks, is to advance the cause of free and easy literature
+in the lulls of national strife, and preserve coherent ideality and
+tolerable grammar from falling into disuse. The foreign chaps, my boy,
+all speak much better English than a majority of our brigadiers; and in
+order to give a system to our proceedings, it has been resolved, that
+each of us, in turn, shall relate an old-fashioned story relating to
+his own particular country; and that all shall take pains to contribute
+miscellaneous items for the general delectation of the club.
+
+The privilege of producing the first story was voted to me, my boy, and
+at the meeting of the Cosmopolitan last evening, I produced from my
+pocket a manuscript already secured from me by a wealthy journal
+(VANITY FAIR.--ED.) for a fabulous sum, and proceeded to regale
+assembled Europe with
+
+
+                           A QUARTER OF TWELVE.
+
+
+                     CHAPTER I.--F. F. VICISSITUDES.
+
+The forces of the Southern Confederacy--so called because a majority of
+them were forced into the service--had just won another glorious
+victory over their disinclination to retreat, and were rapidly
+following it up, propelled by the National Army. The richest and best
+blood of the South was profusely running for the cause to which it was
+devoted, accompanied by those notable possessors in whose cases it
+poured in vein.
+
+Seated at his breakfast-table in the city of Richmond, with his wife
+for a _vis-a-vis_ at a board that might well have groaned for more
+things than one, and his daughter at his right hand, was Mr. ORDETH, a
+scion of one of those Virginia Families very properly designated as
+"First" for the reason that no other Families on earth have ever felt
+inclined to second them in anything.
+
+Mr. ORDETH was a personage of fiery and chivalrous visage, from the
+lower circumference of which depended iron-grey whiskers, so similar in
+shape to the caudal appendage of a mule, that one might suppose nature
+to have intended the construction of an _asinus domesticus_ when first
+she commenced to mould the mortal material, but, having inadvertently
+planted the tail at the wrong end, was satisfied to finish him off as a
+man. His hair was too much of a brush in its own character to agree
+well with an artificial brush in the objective case; he wore a _robe de
+chambre_ richly illustrated with impossible flowers growing on
+improbable soil--let us say on holey ground; his nether continuations
+were spotted here and there with diminutive banners of broadcloth
+secession, and it was noticeable as he stretched his feet under the
+table that his slippers had once done duty as crochet watch-cases.
+
+The table spread for the morning meal was peculiarly Virginiatic, being
+very rich in plate and poor in provender; for hoe-cake and fried
+Carolina potatoes were the only eatables visible, whilst the usual
+places of coffee-pot, bread-plate and salt-cellar were supplied with
+cards inscribed: "Coffee $20 per lb., in consequence of
+Blockade."--"Flour $24 per bbl."--"Salt $25 per lb." If any member of
+the Family felt inclined to wish for any of these last articles, he, or
+she, had but to glance at the card substitutes to lose instantaneously
+all appetite for said articles. There was philosophy in this idea, _mon
+ami_.
+
+"LIBBY," said Mr. ORDETH, addressing his daughter, whose auburn curls
+and pretty face were none the less attractive because they crowned what
+seemed to be a troubled fountain of extremely loud calico with a dash
+of moonlight on top--"LIBBY," said he, "pass me the morning journal."
+
+The morning journal, which had recently augmented its value as a family
+and commercial sheet by coming out on superior wrapping paper, was
+passed to her father by LIBBY, she having first satisfied herself, with
+a sigh of disappointment, that the list of deaths did not contain the
+name of a single one of her friends.
+
+Woman, _mon ami_, does not regard death as you and I do. To her it is a
+sleep in which the slumberer himself becomes a dream for the rest of
+the world; and its announcement is to her the mere evening breeze that
+softly lifts another leaf in the sacred Volume of Memory, and lets the
+starlight, falling through a shower of tears, rest on a name henceforth
+to live immortal in the heart. I was told this by a young lady who
+wears spectacles and writes for the Boston press.
+
+As Mr. ORDETH perused the latest news from the seat of war, his bosom
+heaved to such an extent that one or two of the pins confining the
+front of his dressing-gown to his throat gave out. "HONORIA," said he,
+addressing his quiet little wife, who was spasmodically eating and
+repairing a rent in her dress simultaneously,--"we have again defeated
+the hordes of LINCOLN, and I think, my dear, that we had better get
+ready to leave Richmond. The _Enquirer_ says: 'Yesterday a half a
+hundred of our troops were attacked near Fredericksburg by nearly forty
+thousand Yankees, whom they compelled to retreat after them toward this
+city. We took four hundred prisoners who will be demanded of the enemy
+immediately, and all of our men, save the messenger bringing the news,
+are now briskly pushing forward in the direction of Fort Lafayette.'
+You see, my dear, we always whip them inland. The Yankees gain all
+their victories on water."
+
+Which is very true; for it is as much a fact that the national troops
+win their triumphs on water, as it is that the rebels do _their_ best
+on whiskey.
+
+Mrs. ORDETH made no verbal reply to her husband's exultations, but
+assumed that simpering expression of countenance by which ladies are
+accustomed to denote their amiable willingness to swallow without
+question whatever the speaker may say.
+
+"Providence is evidently favorable to the South," continued the head of
+the Family, impressively, "and has thus far treated us in a gentlemanly
+manner; but should it happen, HONORIA, that the Hessian vandals of
+LINCOLN _should_ reach this city, I myself will be the first to fire
+all I hold dear, rather than let it fall into the hands of the invader.
+Yes!" exclaimed Mr. ORDETH with enthusiasm, rising from his chair and
+moving excitedly toward the door of the apartment,--"with my own hands
+would I apply the torch to you and to my child."
+
+"O VICTOR," said Mrs. ORDETH, with tears springing to her eyes, "I
+reckon you would."
+
+"Aside from the wrongs of the South," continued the inspired ORDETH,
+pushing his bowie-knife a little further round behind his back, that it
+might not hurt his hip,--"we have Family losses to avenge. Only
+yesterday, my uncle was struck at Yorktown with a shell that completely
+tore his head from his body."
+
+"How perfectly absurd!" ejaculated the hitherto silent LIBBY.
+
+"Why it's actually ridiculous," said Mrs. ORDETH.
+
+And so it was. The sex have a keen perception of the ludicrous.
+
+"How I wish that our vigilants had caught that low-minded Abolition
+whelp, PETERS," continued the Virginian, grinding his teeth; "but he
+disappeared so suddenly that day, that I was entirely bewildered. To
+think that the hound--my cousin's son as he is--should dare to demand
+payment of a bill from a Southern gentleman! He will find congenial
+souls among LINCOLN'S hordes, I reckon."
+
+The speaker evidently recognized the fact that a man with a bill to
+collect would derive very little benefit from Southern hoards, at any
+rate.
+
+A close observer might have noticed that Miss LIBBY'S cheeks betrayed
+the faintest tint of virgin wine at this last speech of her father's;
+but as it is not my business to inquire the wine wherefore of
+everything, I shall say no more about that at present.
+
+While speaking, the paternal ORDETH had placed his hand unconsciously
+as it were on the knob of the door; and now, with a sudden movement, he
+opened the door. Or rather, he simply turned the knob; for the door
+fairly forced itself open against him, and there unexpectedly tumbled
+half way into the room a somewhat venerable person from Afric's sunny
+fountains. From the manner in which this colored person fell across the
+sill, it was evident that he had been upon his knees the instant before.
+
+The ladies uttered little shrieks and then went on with their hoe-cake;
+but Mr. ORDETH viewed the intruder with a glance of suspicion.
+
+"JOCKO, you black reskel!" said he, in a suppressed manner, "what are
+you doing here?"
+
+The oppressed African, who, like most slaves was pious, rose to his
+feet with touching humility, and said he:
+
+"Ise watchin', Mars'r, for de Angel of de Lor'."
+
+"Oh," returned the haughty Virginian, scorning to show how deeply he
+was affected, "you're watchin' for that, are you?"
+
+"Yes, Mars'r," said the attached slave; "and I hab pray dat my good
+Mars'r may gib up drinkin' and be one of the good angels too. Oh,
+Mars'r ORDETH, I hab wrastle much for you in prayer."
+
+I know not how that slaveholder's heart was affected by this beautiful
+instance of his humble bondman's devotion; but I do know, _mon ami_,
+that he reached forth his right hand, seized the chattel by the collar,
+and was heard to carry on a blasphemous conversation with him for the
+space of fifteen minutes thereafter, in the hall.
+
+
+              CHAPTER II.--"ROBERT, ROBERT TOI QUE J'AIME."
+
+In a room directly over the one last mentioned--a room whose only
+furniture was a rude bedstead, a looking-glass with a writing-table
+under it and a gas-bracket extending half way across it, and a lounge
+extemporized from three tea-boxes and a quilt--stood Mr. BOB PETERS,
+aged twenty-three, a bachelor and a fellow man. The time was just
+twenty-four hours after the scene depicted in my first chapter, and as
+the rays of the sunny Southern sun poured through a window upon the
+figure of Mr. BOB PETERS, they revealed an individual who was evidently
+unable, just then, to make a raise himself.
+
+ROBERT was a tall, smooth-faced, good-natured-looking youth, wearing a
+coat that buttoned up to his very chin and was painfully shiney at its
+various angles, corners, and button-holes; a pair of inexpressibles
+very roomy and equally glossy about the knees; a brace of carpet
+slippers, and (although indoors) a hat in a "Marie Stuart" condition.
+That is to say, the style of hat worn thus inappropriately by Mr. BOB
+PETERS, corresponded to a fashion in vogue with the ladies not long
+ago, when the latter imagined that a bonnet very much mashed down in
+front caused each and all of them to present a touching and life-like
+resemblance to the unfortunate Queen of Scots. In fact, this bonnet did
+really give them just about such a frightened look as they might be
+supposed to wear should some modern ELIZABETH TUDOR order them all to
+instant execution.
+
+Adding to the consideration of Mr. BOB PETERS' severely straitened
+costume the fact that he was smoking an incredibly cheap segar, it is
+reasonable to infer that he was rather hard-up when awake and not much
+troubled with soft down when asleep.
+
+Viewing Mr. BOB PETERS financially and judging him by a golden rule,
+one could see about him considerable that was due unto others, as each
+of the others was likely to be dun unto him.
+
+"Bless my soul!" soliloquized Mr. BOB PETERS, hastily turning from a
+long and profound contemplation of himself in the mirror and commencing
+to pace noiselessly up and down the room,--"here's misery! Shut up in
+the garret of one of the First Families, with a chap thirsting for my
+blood at the head of the domestic circle down stairs, and the whole
+Confederacy ready to bolt me without salt--which is very dear here just
+now. Here's a situation for an unmarried man!" exclaimed Mr. BOB
+PETERS, insanely tearing his "Marie Stuart" from his head and bitterly
+crunching it in his hand--"confined here as a prisoner by the young
+woman of my affections to save my life from her own father's sanguinary
+designs. Upon my soul!" groaned Mr. BOB PETERS, drearily slapping his
+left leg, "it's enough to make me take to drinking, and I--"
+
+"Dear BOB!"
+
+Were you ever awakened from a horrid nightmare dream of capital
+punishment and sudden death, _mon ami_, by the soft, persuasive voice
+of woman calling you to a breakfast of etherial rolls and new-born
+eggs? If so, you can understand the feelings of Mr. PETERS when these
+fond words roused him from his terrible reverie.
+
+He spun blithely round on his dexter heel, absorbed the faithful LIBBY
+to his manly breast, and incontinently kissed for his lips a coating of
+lustrous bandoline from the head of the fashionable maiden.
+
+"Oh bliss!" ejaculated Mr. BOB PETERS, standing on one foot by way of
+intensifying the sensation, "my angel visits me in my dungeon, as
+angels visited other good men in the Scriptures."
+
+"Oh BOB, how you do smell of smoke," said the devoted LIBBY.
+
+"And thanks to your thoughtfulness for the regalias which have so
+lightened my lonely hours, since the day when you brought me up to this
+room and then told a virtuous and unsuspecting police that I had fled
+in the direction of the _aurora borealis_. By the way LIBBY," said Mr.
+BOB PETERS, thoughtfully, "my segar-lighters are all out, and if you
+_could_ make me a few more out of the rest of those Confederate
+Treasury Notes--"
+
+"I will, I will," responded Miss ORDETH, lifting first one white
+shoulder and then the other, as though she would thereby work down her
+waist more firmly into the belt formed by Mr. BOB PETERS' right arm;
+"but now, dear BOB, we must think of how you are to be got safely away
+from this house and out of the city. If my pa should find out that you
+have been here all this time, when he thought you were running for dear
+life, he would--I really believe"--said Miss LIBBY ORDETH, with
+increasing eyes, "that he would actually apply the torch to me without
+waiting for the Yankees!"
+
+Mr. BOB PETERS shuddered and turned pale, barely saving himself from
+fainting by clasping his companion more tightly and leaning heavily
+against her lips.
+
+The infatuated girl did not see the face peering in through the half
+open door behind her, as she continued:--
+
+"_Quarter-past twelve is the hour_, BOB, though I can't say on what
+night it shall be, yet. You must be already to start on any night, and
+in the meantime our meetings are, if possible, to be continued."
+
+"You say that quarter-past twelve is the hour?" observed Mr. PETERS,
+reflectively, patting the head against his shoulder in a somewhat
+paternal manner.
+
+"Yes, dear BOB; and I wish I could be sure of pa's going to bed earlier
+than that; for I know it will be hard for you to go out into the street
+at that time of night. You are not accustomed to such late hours at
+home."
+
+And, indeed, he was not; for Mr. BOB PETERS' "hours" at home were apt
+to be considerably later, especially when he went into morning for some
+dear friend.
+
+"Sweet innocence!" exclaimed the young man, much affected by this
+evidence of thoughtfulness in his behalf, "your kindness almost makes
+me forget the treatment I have experienced at the hands of your being's
+author."
+
+"I think you can get off next Sunday night," continued LIBBY, "if
+brother is sergeant of the guard; for he promised to see that you got
+across the bridge and past the patrol. JOCKO will open the street door
+for you when you start: and I want you to send me word, if you can,
+after you get to New-York, what kind of bonnets they're going to wear
+this summer."
+
+"Dear girl!" murmured BOB, fondly, "I'll find out the style and mention
+it to one of our Generals, who will let you know by note, as soon as he
+arrives here."
+
+"Dear BOB!--but I must go now. Is there anything I can send you to make
+you more comfortable?"
+
+As they stood there facing each other, Mr. BOB PETERS closed his right
+eye for an instant, and suffered the muscles of his month to relax,
+thereby expressing some want too deep for words.
+
+"You shall have it," said the young girl, turning to leave the room. At
+the door she was met by JOCKO, who entered as she passed out, for the
+ostensible purpose of removing the remains of the captive's recent
+surreptitious breakfast.
+
+The sound of the maiden's light footsteps soon died away in the
+passage, like the vibrations of a high-strung instrument in a passage
+of music, and the two men stood alone together.
+
+There they were--the White and the Black; the one a freeman in all save
+being deprived of his liberty; the other a slave in all save being
+unrestricted of his freedom. Who could tell what was working in the
+mind of each? Who should draw the line between those men, when all was
+dark for the white and a luckless wight was the black? Who should say
+that the white man was anything better than the black man, that the
+latter should bear the bonds of slavery--bonds as hard to bear even as
+Confederate bonds? Look at inanimate nature. Is it not the _White_ of
+an egg that bears the yolk? Then why should the white man turn the yoke
+altogether over to the black man? But I must refuse to follow out this
+great metaphysical question any further. The weather is too warm. I
+will leave it to the Awful and Unfathomable German Mind, which delights
+to toy heavily with the elephants of Thought.
+
+"Mars'r," said JOCKO, handing a folded paper to the fugitive prisoner,
+"dis was gub to me for you by my chile EFRUM, dat b'longs to Missus
+ADAMS; and I hope, Mas'r, dat you will read um with fear an' trem'lin,
+for the Lor' is very good to let you lib in your great sins, Mars'r."
+
+How beautiful, _mon ami_, is that strong spirit of piety we often find
+developed in the uncultivated, like the rich oyster found on the barren
+sea-shore. Taken in connection with the children of HAM, it is as
+mustard to a sandwich, for moving us to occasional tears.
+
+Mr. BOB PETERS waved the faithful black from his presence, and read the
+note, which ran thus:
+
+"MR. PETERS,--SIR:--Though, as a daughter of the Sonny South, I cannot
+but regard you as a traitor to our country, the memory of past hours in
+my soul-life induces me to act toward you as a heart-friend. I have
+heard, through those faithful beings of which your friends would rob
+and murder us, that you are a prisoner, and will save you. Contrive to
+get out of the house in some way on Sunday (to-morrow) evening, at _a
+quarter of twelve_, and you will find those waiting for you who will
+deliver you for a time from our vengeance. It is the impulsive
+heart-throb of a weak woman that bids me do this--not the
+spirit-aspiration of the Southern daughter.
+
+                                                          "EVE ADAMS."
+
+Mr. BOB PETERS lowered the hand holding the note until it rested
+heavily on his right knee, and gazed before him, as he sat on his
+couch, with a puzzled expression of countenance. He had been sitting in
+this way, perfectly motionless, for five minutes perhaps, when the door
+was gently pushed open a few inches, a dainty white hand came through
+the aperture, deposited a mysterious black bottle on the floor very
+softly, and disappeared as it came. In an instant, Mr. PETERS sprang to
+his feet, dashed the note to the ground, seized the bottle, and
+immediately applied it to his lips with great enthusiasm.
+
+His Mistress had understood that last subtle glance he gave her. With
+the wonderful insight of man's deeper nature peculiar to girls about
+eighteen years old, she had divined the one thing required to make the
+captive comfortable.
+
+Oh, woman, woman! In the language of a revised poet--
+
+  "Without the smile from partial beauty won,
+  Ah, what were man!--a world without a son!"
+
+
+                    CHAPTER III.--THE WIDOW'S MITE.
+
+The ADAMSES resided in one of the aristocratic by ways crossing Main
+Street, and were directly descended from those distinguished and
+chivalric _anciens pauvres_ of the Old Dominion, who boasted the blood
+of the English cavaliers, and were a terror to their foes and
+creditors. ADAMS, the husband and father, was a fine specimen of the
+Southern gentleman in his day, possessing an estate in Louisa County,
+so completely covered with mortgages that no heir could get to it, and
+having won great fame by inventing an entirely new and singularly
+humorous oath for the benefit of a Yankee governess, when that despised
+hireling presumed to ask for a portion of her last year's salary. He
+might have lived to a green old age, but for the extraordinary joy he
+experienced at having negotiated a second mortgage on some property not
+worth quite half the first, which filled this worthy man with such
+exceeding great joy, that he drank rather more at a sitting than would
+start an ordinary hotel-bar, and died soon after of _delirium tremens_,
+as such noble and chivalric souls are very apt to do. The family left
+by the lamented ADAMS, consisting of a wife and one child--a daughter,
+at once assumed the most becoming style of mourning, moved in a funeral
+procession through society for six months, and then resigned themselves
+to the will of Providence with that beautiful cheerfulness which may
+either denote a high order of Christianity, or a low order of memory,
+as the case may be.
+
+At the period of which the present veracious history treats, the
+bereaved mother and daughter were living in subdued style in the
+locality designated above. Among their most intimate associates were
+the ORDETHS, between whose family and theirs there existed that
+pleasing and kindly familiarity which permits the most open recognition
+of mutual virtues in society and the most searching criticism of
+individual weaknesses at home. The ADAMSES and ORDETHS met at each
+other's houses with gushes of endearment that edified all beholders;
+and if Miss EVE said to her mother on their way home from church that
+LIBBY ORDETH looked like a perfect fright in that ridiculous new bonnet
+of hers, it was only because her affectionate heart felt a pang at
+seeing her bosom-friend appear to less advantage than her own
+self-sacrificing self.
+
+It is a touching peculiarity of this modern friendship, _mon ami_, that
+a majority of the errors its fairest votaries detect in each other, are
+those of the head--not of the heart. EVE ADAMS, whose diminutive size
+had given occasion to the _mot_ by which she was denominated the
+"Widow's Mite," was calling at the ORDETHS when Mr. BOB PETERS first
+came in under a flag of truce from Fortress Monroe, and was witness to
+the chivalric reception accorded to that gentleman by his relatives,
+before his pecuniary mission was known. In the exuberance of his
+nature, Mr. PETERS had kissed her with the rest of the family, and from
+the moment of receiving that chaste salutation, EVE had selected the
+Northern stranger as her hero in that ideal novel of spiritual
+yellow-covers in which all maidens live, and move and have their beings
+until stern reality bursts upon them in the shape of a husband or a
+snub.
+
+From thenceforth she was a frequent visitor at the ORDETHS, and laid
+close siege to the gay ROBERT'S heart with all the languishment deemed
+necessary in such cases, and a tremendous flirtation was going on
+before the maiden discovered that the affections of the youth were
+already given to another. Then came a revulsion of feeling, opening the
+eyes of the Widow's Mite to the fact that Mr. BOB PETERS was a thieving
+abolitionist, unworthy the toleration of any true daughter of the
+South. After this overpowering revelation, it was the first thought of
+EVE ADAMS to at once inform the festive PETERS of the utter detestation
+in which she held him, and a favorable opportunity soon offered. At a
+social gathering at the ORDETH'S, she had withdrawn for a moment to an
+ante-room, for the purpose of drawing from her bosom an elegant silver
+snuff-box, dipping therein a small brush, and subsequently applying the
+same to her pearly teeth, when Mr. BOB PETERS entered unannounced, and
+agreeably demanded a "pinch." The situation was favorable to an avowal
+of enmity, and a suitable expression was rising to the lips of the
+maiden, when the thought of a still keener revenge kept her silent, and
+she contented herself with a temporary sneer and a majestic exit from
+the apartment.
+
+It was soon after this incident that Mr. BOB PETERS' presentation to
+Mr. ORDETH of the bill for furniture which he had been empowered to
+collect by a New York house, reminded the latter that it was his duty,
+as a patriot, to sacrifice even his cousin's son for the good of the
+Confederacy. With the stern self-devotion of an ancient Roman, Mr.
+ORDETH not only accused his hapless relative of flagrant Abolitionism,
+but at once made arrangements with the military authorities for that
+relative's immediate incarceration as an enemy to the Commonwealth. An
+enemy to the Commonwealth of Virginia must be indeed an unnatural
+wretch; for no such wealth is known to be in existence just now, and
+enmity to the dead is a thing inexcusable. It was a crime of which Mr.
+BOB PETERS was incapable; yet would he have suffered for it, had not
+the devoted LIBBY concealed him in the hour of danger.
+
+Of this concealment, Miss EVE had learned from EFRUM, the son of JOCKO,
+though she knew not how long it was to be continued.
+
+
+              CHAPTER IV.--"TWO HEARTS THAT BEAT AS ONE."
+
+Several of the Richmond churches were opened that Sunday night, and
+thither repaired many of the Cottonocracy, devotional children of Bale,
+to implore Providence in behalf of an army whose heroes have generally
+appeared, in the eyes of the Federal troops, to be wholly Leave-ites.
+The recent intelligence of "another confederate victory," at
+Williamsburg, had added a finishing touch to the panic created by
+reports of the triumphal retreat from Yorktown previously received, and
+the fervor of Richmond's piety on that evening was eminently worthy of
+a city liable at any moment to be cannonized. The reverend clergy of
+the rebel capital selected their texts from Exodus by instinct, as it
+were, and proved so conclusively that the Yankee invader was no man,
+that the listening congregations were impressed with an instructive and
+repentant sense of their own wickedness, (for they are the wicked who
+invariably flee when "no man" pursueth,) and several members evinced
+their new-born disgust at this sinful world by resolutely closing their
+eyes upon it at once.
+
+In his pew sat Mr. VICTOR E. ORDETH, with his wife and son, the latter
+a member of the Richmond Home Guard. Stiff and erect he sat, like a
+solemn note of admiration in a printer's case, ready to be used at the
+end of any sounding passages, suffering an expression of weighty
+approval to cross his countenance when the preacher hoped the same
+planets might not thereafter be destined to shine on the North and the
+South.
+
+And well he might; for there had been something in the late capture of
+New Orleans and other ports by the Union fleets to impress the Southern
+mind with no small dread of the North's tar.
+
+LIBBY remained at home under plea of sick-headache; but no sooner were
+her parents fairly out of the house, than said plea proved to be
+entirely invalid. At least, the young lady darted to her own private
+room in a very sprightly manner, brought out from thence a small
+package, and finally repaired to the apartment wherein Mr. BOB PETERS
+kept solitary vigils and a bright lookout. Before passing in, however,
+she paused to have a few words with the faithful JOCKO, whom she
+discovered on his knees before the door of the captive's cell, with his
+right eye slightly to the left of the knob.
+
+"JOCKO!" she exclaimed, reproachfully, "what are you doing here, you
+ridiculous thing?"
+
+"Miss LIBBY," said the humble servitor, looming dimly in the shadow of
+the hall as he slowly arose from his feet, "Ise ben prayin' dat you
+might become a christian, and one ob these days, when de great
+Hallelugerum come, hab wings and a harp."
+
+Scarcely were these affecting words uttered, when Mr. PETERS tore open
+the door rather disrespectfully, so greatly discomposing the devoted
+black that the latter incontinently fled.
+
+"My dear girl," said BOB, leading his fair visitor into the room, "I'm
+delighted to see you. The shutters are up, the gas is lit, and I'm
+prepared to do the sentimental. Oh-um-m--Lubin's Extracts!" ejaculated
+Mr. BOB PETERS. For he had kissed her.
+
+"There, dear ROBERT, don't be so absurd. You know you are going to
+leave us to-night, and I have brought you--" here LIBBY blushed with
+that exquisitely ingenuous emotion which is excited by the
+consciousness of benefiting one we love--"I have brought you some
+things that may be of use on your journey. You won't be angry with me
+for it, will you, dear BOB? There's a smoking cap, and a pair of
+crochet slippers, and some drawing pencils, and a volume of TUPPER."
+
+"My darling LIBBY!" remarked the deeply affected ROBERT, alighting on
+those tempting lips once more. "But did you think, love--did you think
+to put a quart of ice-cream and a few hair-pins in the package?"
+
+"Why, no."
+
+"Ah, well," said Mr. BOB PETERS, abstractedly, "I suppose I can buy
+them on the road."
+
+Silence, disturbed only by the beating of those two hearts, reigned for
+a few seconds, then--
+
+"BOB," said LIBBY, looking shyly up to him, "we shall be very happy
+when we are married and live North?"
+
+"Yes, indeed," said BOB.
+
+"We'll live in such a beautiful house on Fifth Avenue, dear, and have
+such nice things. Because, you know, you can make so much money by your
+writings."
+
+"Millions! my love," said Mr. BOB PETERS, with sudden and wonderful
+quietude of tone. "When I left New York prose was bringing two dollars
+for seven pounds in the heavy dailies, and philosophical poetry quoted
+at six shillings a yard, and no hexameters allowed except for EMERSON
+and HOMER. Ah!" said Mr. PETERS, his melancholy deepening rapidly to
+bitterness, "my last poem sickened me. It was called 'Dirge: addressed
+to a lady after witnessing the Drama of the "Toodles,"' and commenced
+in this way:
+
+  'Not all the artist's pow'r can limn,
+  Nor poet's grander verse disclose,
+  The plaintive charm that ev'ning dim,
+  Imparts unto the dying rose.'"
+
+"How pretty!" said LIBBY.
+
+"Yes, my dear," responded Mr. PETERS, somewhat gloomily; "but because I
+used 'dim' to rhyme with 'limn,' all the papers credited it to GENERAL
+MORRIS."
+
+Recollections of this flagrant piece of injustice so affected Mr. BOB
+PETERS, that he smote his breast and called himself a miserable man. "I
+really don't know but I'd better stay here and be hung like a
+respectable patriot," murmured the desolated young man.
+
+"How absurd!" exclaimed the young lady, "you will be glad enough to get
+away to-night. Remember, now, you are to start down stairs at
+quarter-past Twelve, precisely, and JOCKO will open the front door for
+you. Then go straight to the bridge, where you will find my brother,
+who will get you by the guard."
+
+"That reminds me," observed Mr. PETERS, "what time is it? I must set my
+repeater."
+
+LIBBY consulted her watch and answered that it was half-past eight,
+whereupon Mr. BOB PETERS fished from his fob a vast silver
+conglomeration, and having wound it up with a noise like that of a
+distant coffee mill, and set it correctly, proceeded to hang it, for
+convenient reference, upon the gas-branch across the mirror.
+
+"Dear BOB, good bye."
+
+"Fare thee well, and if for ever, still remember me," responded Mr.
+PETERS, with some vagueness.
+
+"We shall meet again?" said LIBBY, lingering.
+
+"If I did not believe it," replied Mr. BOB PETERS, with vehemence, "I
+should at once proceed to kill myself at your feet, covering the walls
+and furniture of the apartment with my gore."
+
+"God bless you, BOB."
+
+They parted wiping their mouths. Miss ORDETH went down stairs in tears,
+had a fit of hysterics on the sofa, and fell asleep with her head in
+the card basket.
+
+
+                     CHAPTER V.--BETRAYED INNOCENCE.
+
+There he slumbered on that rude lounge, with his head upon his hands
+and his hands under his head. A man, like you--or me--or any other man.
+Did you ever notice how you always keep your eyes shut when you are
+asleep? The lids come down over your orbs, your soul's windows, like
+night over the sun. You shall have visions of Heaven, or Hades,
+according to what you had for supper. Lobster salad, or truffles, will
+act upon a sleeping man's great, dark soul, like one of PAGE'S pictures
+on the open eye. Make it see light blue landscapes, and pallid faces
+looking out of pink distances. You think that young man there is
+sleeping upon a rude couch? No. He is sleeping upon something not
+palpable to your worldly eyes nor mine; he is sleeping upon an empty
+stomach. You dare not pity him. His scornful, stern man's soul would
+wither you if you talked to him of compassion. Such is man. An animal.
+A worm of the dust. Yet proud. Ha! you know it. You blush for your
+unworthy thought. Such is woman. Something aroused the sleeper
+suddenly. It might have been an angel's whisper, or the kiss of an
+insect. He sprang to his feet, shook himself, and mentally declared
+that he had come pretty near getting asleep. The idea was rational.
+
+"By all that's blue! it can't be, though it is, by Jupiter!"
+
+The gas was still burning brightly. Mr. BOB PETERS had caught sight of
+his watch as it was reflected in the mirror, with the hands pointing to
+a quarter past Twelve. With great rapidity he grasped the repeater,
+stabbed it into his fob, crushed his demoralized hat upon his head,
+looked regretfully about the room, turned off the gas, and in another
+moment was stealthily groping his way down stairs, toward the front
+door. The door yielded to his hand, but no JOCKO was there. "I
+suppose," murmured Mr. PETERS to himself, "I suppose the faithful
+fellow is praying for me somewhere in the kitchen, with his hands
+resting on a jar of sweetmeats. Ah! I ought to be a better man than I
+am." With this excellent moral reflection, Mr. BOB PETERS stepped into
+the street and faced boldly for the path to freedom; but at the very
+first corner his road was barred by two individuals in military caps
+and the first stage of intoxication.
+
+"Aryupeters--eters!" said one, who was evidently desirous of having but
+a single word with him.
+
+"With a BOB," replied the fugitive sententiously.
+
+"Aw' ri', then," observed the two in chorus, and Mr. PETERS quickly
+found himself attended on either side by guardians whose affectionate
+manner of monopolizing his arms suggested a civil process of the most
+uncivil sort.
+
+"Treachery!" he exclaimed, struggling fiercely. The twain held him
+tightly, however, with the strength of tight-uns, and his exertion only
+caused them to venture divers pleasant oaths concerning the destiny of
+his eyes.
+
+Onward they dragged him, down Broad street and up half a dozen other
+streets, until a certain rebel institution was gained. "In with'm,"
+said one of his captors; and they hurried him past a sentry and through
+a hall into a long, low room, where half a dozen miserable candles
+stuck up against the walls revealed a dismal company of over a
+hundred--some stretched upon the floor, some standing about, and others
+clustered around what appeared to be a cot in one corner.
+
+"Is this the Confederate Congress?" asked the astonished BOB, as his
+captors left him, turning the key and adjusting various bolts as they
+went out.
+
+"It's LIBBY'S pork-packing-house," answered the prisoner nearest him,
+"and you're jugged, I suppose, as a spy."
+
+"Pork-packing!" ejaculated the bewildered BOB. "Why, this is treating
+me like a hog."
+
+Several prisoners at once gave in their adhesion to this logical
+premise.
+
+"Here's a case of betrayed innocence!" soliloquized Mr. BOB PETERS,
+bitterly, "I've trusted to LIBBY, and Libby's taken me in."--
+
+"I'm going to be exchanged, I tell you!"
+
+The sound came from the cot in the corner, and as the crowd in that
+direction opened for a moment, the new-comer beheld a sight that, for a
+time, made him forget his own troubles. A tall, gaunt man in ragged,
+Zouave uniform was reclining upon his elbow on the miserable pallet,
+the pale, dismal light of the candles disclosing a ghastly wound on his
+right temple, from which the blood was trickling down upon his rusty
+and matted beard.
+
+"I'm going to be exchanged, I tell you!" he exclaimed, waving the
+others away with his left hand and glaring directly at BOB. "I've been
+here a whole year, and Eighty's boys wants me back; and I'm going to be
+exchanged."
+
+"The poor fellow was shot by one of the sentries this morning. He's
+from a New York regiment, and has been a prisoner ever since Bull Run,"
+whispered one of the unfortunates to BOB.
+
+The latter approached the wounded man and kindly asked; "Can I do
+anything for you, old fellow?"
+
+The dying Zouave regarded him with a ghastly smile; "Yes," said he,
+"you can go down to Eighty's truck house and take care of little JAKE
+till I'm exchanged. Will you, bub, will you?"
+
+"Is JAKE your child?" asked Bob.
+
+"No," responded the Zouave, softly, "it's only a little yaller dorg. I
+aint got no wife, nor child, nor no friend except the masheen and
+little JAKE. He's petty as a picture, bub, and he's slept with me many
+a gay old night around Catherine Market--he has. You'll be kind to him,
+bub, won't you?"
+
+"Here! what's this noise about? What are yes doin' with lights this
+time ernight? I'll soon stop his Yankee groaning," were the words of a
+brutal keeper, who had just come in and was roughly elbowing his way
+toward the cot.
+
+"Stand off, you hound!" shouted BOB, throwing himself between the
+keeper and the dying soldier. "Stand off!" growled the prisoners,
+fiercely crowding upon the intruder with murder in their faces.
+
+"Hark!" said the Zouave, leaning listfully forward, "there goes the
+Hall bell--one--two--three----" His features lighted up as with the
+glow of a conflagration; his lips opened--
+
+"_Fire! Fire! Fire!_"
+
+And the Zouave fell back upon the cot--dead.
+
+The keeper crawled forward like a whipped hound, and eyed the
+outstretched form with a face full of fear:
+
+"Exchanged at last, by G--d!"
+
+True, O traitorous hireling! and by God alone. For when that honest,
+loyal soul went out, there came to take its place an Avenging Spirit,
+that shall not cease to call on Heaven for vengeance on the Southern
+murderer until the cowardly stain of fifty thousand murders, such as
+this, are washed out in a terrible atonement.
+
+"Poor little JAKE," murmured Mr. BOB PETERS, "I wonder if he's a
+terrier." Then, turning to the keeper,--"How long is my imprisonment in
+this terrible place to be continued?"
+
+The keeper eyed the querist with no very amiable expression, "You'll
+stay here," said he, "until you take the Oath, I reckon."
+
+"In that case, my native land, good night," responded the interesting
+captive, Byronically; "my incarceration will terminate with an
+epitaph--'_Hic Jacet_ ROBERT PETERS. A victim of miss-placed
+confidence. He died young'--Jailor, you are affected. Accept a quarter!"
+
+The Cerberus clutched the proffered coin and eyed it with feverish
+intensity. It was evidently the first quarter he had seen since the
+commencement of his services in that hole. The man's better nature was
+touched. "Hist!" he said, drawing Mr. PETERS aside and speaking in a
+whisper: "I can no longer conceal the truth. I am a Southern Union man."
+
+It is a beautiful peculiarity of our common nature, _mon ami_, that
+crime never sinks so deeply nor perversion spreads so obstinately in
+the human soul, but there is still a deeper current of normal rectitude
+responsive to the force of currency. That this was known to the
+ancients, is evinced by the antique custom of placing coins on the eyes
+of the dead, thereby signifying to all concerned that, whatever faults
+might have perished with the deceased, _de mortuis nil nisi bonum_.
+
+"Can't I have a room to myself?" asked BOB, after a short pause.
+
+"Follow me," was the response; and he followed the keeper through a
+crowd of curious prisoners, up a stair-way against a wall, to a room on
+the next floor. The keeper opened the door with a key from one of his
+pockets, and led the way into an apartment whose only furniture was a
+bed, a ricketty chair and a bit of looking-glass on a shelf.
+
+"I sleep here sometimes myself," said the keeper; "but you shall stay
+here for a small rent. Make yourself comfortable."
+
+"Stop a minute," said BOB, as the man turned to leave. "Do you know how
+I came to be arrested?"
+
+"I don't know exactly," was the answer; "but I believe you was informed
+upon by some woman. Good night. Here's the candle."
+
+The prisoner cast himself upon the bed, as the key grated again in the
+lock, and was fast asleep before the poor fellows down stairs had
+extinguished their miserable lights.
+
+In the morning the friendly keeper brought him his breakfast,
+consisting of a cup of something very much like "sacred soil" after a
+heavy rain, two geological biscuits and a copy of the Richmond _Whig_.
+
+"What do you call this stuff?" asked Mr. PETERS, ruefully eyeing the
+contents of the cup.
+
+"Coffee," replied the keeper, blandly, "real Mocha."
+
+Mr. PETERS was silent. To call such fluid Mocha was sheer mockery.
+
+The biscuits dispatched and the coffee defied, the captive betook
+himself to deep and admiring contemplation of the newspaper; and was
+deriving much valuable instruction from an article written to prove how
+skilfully and ingeniously the Southern Confederacy had struck a telling
+blow at its ruthless invaders by strategetically surrendering Norfolk,
+when an early visitor was admitted. Said visitor was a young man
+contained in a picturesquely-tattered uniform, with a fatigue cap on
+his head and a rusty sword rattling at his heels.
+
+"BOB, my boy," said he, "how the mischief did you get into this scrape?"
+
+"This is some of your family's Chivalry," responded Mr. PETERS, shortly.
+
+"My governor certainly did come it over you a little," observed the
+visitor, who was no other than the younger ORDETH; "but you might have
+gone off safely enough if you'd been at the bridge at quarter-past
+Twelve, as you were told. I don't like the governor's style any more
+than you do, and if you had come to time I could have passed you out of
+the lines easily enough."
+
+"I did come to time," answered BOB, with great bitterness, "and a
+pretty time of night it was. How did I get into this scrape? The
+Southern Confederacy brought me here. I've had enough of you and your
+family. It affords me satisfaction to contemplate a perspective in
+which your family are attending a funeral of one of their number whose
+demise would be attended with funeral honors, if all his comrades were
+not engaged in the work of running away from MCCLELLAN."
+
+Mr. PETERS hazarded this cutting insinuation of the future with an
+expression of countenance rigidly severe.
+
+"But, my dear boy, there is some mistake. You--"
+
+"Enough, Sir!"
+
+"Oh, very well; if you won't you won't," exclaimed the Confederate
+youth, growing very red in the face. "All I have to say is, that I have
+done my part as your friend. If you had been at the bridge at
+quarter-past Twelve last night, you might be back among the Yankees
+now. And, let me tell you, those same Yankees will never conquer the
+South."
+
+"Perhaps not," said Mr. PETERS, ironically.
+
+"One of our officers has just invented a new gun that will soon teach
+the North manners," continued the Confederate, with increasing heat.
+"It throws one-hundred-pound balls as fast as a man can turn the
+handle."
+
+"Ah!" said BOB, sneeringly.
+
+"Yes; and it has but one defect."
+
+"What's that?" asked BOB, with some appearance of interest.
+
+"The handle won't turn!" ejaculated the young Virginian, darting
+hastily from the room to hide his emotion.
+
+Mr. PETERS looked vaguely after the retreating form of the sensitive
+youth, and as one of the keepers relocked the door again from the
+outside, his face sank upon his hands. What did his visitor mean by
+accusing him of not making his appearance at the appointed time? It was
+exactly quarter-past Twelve when he left the house. "I see how it is,"
+murmured Mr. PETERS, between his hands; "the boy has been taking
+something hot."
+
+
+                     CHAPTER VI.--ANOTHER VISITOR.
+
+The ladies were taking their usual promenade through the main corridor
+of the jail, curiously gazing at times through the newly-grated door at
+the prisoners in the main room, and seasoning their morning gossip with
+piquant observations on the probable execution of the horrid creatures
+there confined. Mrs. PEYTON took occasion to inform Mrs. MASON that she
+wouldn't pass a day without taking a look at the wretches for all the
+world; and Mrs. MASON informed Mrs. PEYTON that her life would hardly
+be endurable if she did not live in hope of seeing all the
+Abolitionists there yet. Here young Mr. BARON ventured to intimate that
+the Yankee prisoners were fortunate in being favored with such an array
+of _fair_ before them; for which he was saluted as an "absurd thing,"
+and received a shower of taps from adjacent fans.
+
+Miss ADAMS led her companion, a neighbor's child, to where a keeper was
+leaning idly against the wall.
+
+"Are these all your prisoners?" she asked.
+
+"All but one that was taken last night and is up stairs," replied the
+official.
+
+"Is that one on exhibition?"
+
+"I reckon he is, if you want to see him."
+
+"Well," said Miss ADAMS, with an assumption of indifference, "I don't
+know that it's worth while; but--well, I reckon I _will_ look at him."
+
+"This way, then, if you please," said the keeper, leading the way up an
+adjacent flight of stairs and conducting the fair one to the room
+occupied by Mr. PETERS.
+
+BOB was gazing gloomily out of the window and did not recognize the
+presence of his new guests until the end of a parasol touched his
+shoulder.
+
+"Miss ADAMS!" he exclaimed, offering his hand.
+
+The young lady tossed her head haughtily:
+
+"I don't wish to shake hands with an enemy of my country, sir."
+
+"I see," said BOB, coolly, "the presence of a third party obliges us to
+vail our emotions. Keeper, leave the saloon."
+
+"Pay no attention to him, Keeper," retorted EVE, indignantly, "I wish
+your attendance."
+
+Not at all abashed by the severity of her tone, Mr. PETERS nodded to
+the officer and smiled pleasantly.
+
+"Then I must expose you with a witness to it," he said, good-naturedly;
+"you are offended, Miss EVE because I did not comply with your kind
+note and meet your friends at a quarter-of Twelve, instead of walking
+straight into trouble at quarter-past, as I did."
+
+"You are beneath my notice," was the answer of Miss ADAMS; "but since
+you choose to speak so I must explain myself to this good man here. You
+are indebted to me for your present situation. I am a Southern woman,
+sir, and it was my duty as a Southerner, to see that you did not escape
+to injure our cause by telling some of your Northern falsehoods about
+us. I wrote you the note you speak of in order that you might be drawn
+from your hiding place, and also one to the authorities putting them on
+the watch. I may be a woman, but I have the heart of a man."
+
+If Miss ADAMS did _not_ have the heart of a man it was owing to no
+neglect on her part of any possible means to catch such a heart. That
+is to say, all her dearest and most intimate female friends said so.
+
+Her speech was evidently intended to impress the prisoner with a
+torturing sense of woman's vengeance, but, contrary to her expectation,
+Mr. PETERS received it with the utmost complacency. In fact, he even
+evinced a playful disposition and favored the attentive keeper with an
+insidious wink.
+
+"I don't doubt that your intentions were excellent, Miss EVE," said Mr.
+BOB PETERS, with an air of great enjoyment; "but they did not work as
+well as your affectionate heart designed. Because--you see--I did'nt
+come out at a quarter of Twelve at all, nor did I follow any of your
+directions. Oh, no! It was just quarter-past Twelve by my repeater when
+I departed from my late residence, and it's my private opinion that
+your dear friend, Miss ORDETH, had the privilege of being my adviser on
+that nocturnal occasion. Don't let your sensitive soul be afflicted
+with the thought that _you_ have wronged confiding innocence," added
+BOB, pathetically, "for I do assure you that you are as guiltless as
+the child unborn."
+
+"What do you mean, sir?" asked EVE, in some haste; "were you not
+arrested at a quarter of Twelve?"
+
+"Why no!" said BOB. "Don't I tell you that I didn't break cover until
+quarter-past?"
+
+"Well, sir," snarled EVE, with no little irritation, "you're here at
+any rate, and I hope you'll enjoy the society of your Yankee friends
+down stairs. I hope you'll all be hung. I do."
+
+And the injured fair swept magnificently from the room, dragging with
+her the neighbor's child, and leaving Mr. PETERS alone with the keeper.
+
+"I say, she's a spunky one," remarked the latter. "It's a pity you
+really did'nt wait till quarter-past. I would'nt trust a woman with
+such eyes as hers--I would'nt."
+
+"And I didn't trust them," said BOB. "It was full quarter-past by my
+repeater when I came out, and if I'm betrayed it's by another woman."
+
+"Oh, come now," put in the keeper, deprecatingly, "it's all right, you
+know, between us two. It was'nt but quarter-past when I locked you in
+here, you know."
+
+"What!" exclaimed BOB.
+
+"Fact," said the keeper.
+
+Mr. PETERS deliberately drew out his watch and held it up in full view.
+
+"By all that's true!" said BOB, "it was quarter-past Twelve by that
+repeater before I was taken last night."
+
+The rebel official looked steadily into the eyes of his prisoner for a
+moment, and then withdrew hurriedly and in silence. He evidently
+mistrusted the sincerity of Mr. PETERS, or believed that a man with
+such a fast watch was too much ahead of _his_ time to be trusted
+without a watch of a different kind.
+
+
+                CHAPTER VII.--UNION SENTIMENT DEVELOPING.
+
+If some modern BURTON would supply the world with an Anatomy of
+Patriotism, _mon ami_, I am inclined to believe that his first
+discovery in the process of dissection would be, that the modern
+quality of that name is essentially lacking in the anatomical composite
+of back-bone. Ordinary patriotism in practice, as far as I have been
+able to observe it, is equivalent, in general aspect and result, to an
+irresistible force in contact with an immovable body, those who are
+chiefly carried away with it metaphorically being the last to yield to
+its impulsion personally. In short, the quality appears to be a
+sentiment rather than a motive in its character, and moves us to
+inspire others rather oftener than it inspires us to move ourselves.
+
+Mr. VICTOR E. ORDETH was a patriot in the conventional sense of the
+term, and when the Southern heart was first fired he took a very large
+ember to his own bosom. None could be more ready to repudiate all their
+Northern debts than was Mr. ORDETH to repudiate his, and his deadly
+hatred of the Abolitionist was only equaled by that of a New England
+man owning a colored drayman, and living next door to him. "We will
+raise a million of soldiers if need be," said the chivalrous Virginian
+at a public meeting in Richmond, "and sacrifice our last crust." After
+which he went comfortably home and growled very much at the dampness of
+his slippers and the barely perceptible chill in his buttered toast.
+Great admiration was evoked on all sides by this spirited conduct, and
+when he finally donated one hundred dollars of his creditors' money to
+the Volunteer fund, there was some talk of making him a brigadier; but
+it happened to leak out that he knew something of military business
+from early study, and, of course, that project had to be given up. A
+brigadier with military capability would be an anomaly indeed!
+
+And so, this self-sacrificed gentleman meekly wore his honors in
+private life, his patriotism deepening and intensifying until it
+attained the pitch of verbal perfection demonstrated in the first
+chapter of this veracious narrative. Suddenly, however, this patriotism
+suffered what its possessor's pocket did not--a "sea change": the
+Confiscation Act passed by the Congress of the United States induced
+Mr. ORDETH to consider seriously what might possibly happen to a
+certain little property of his near Danville, in the event of certain
+Union achievements; and the news of MCCLELLAN'S advance to within five
+miles of Richmond, did not tend to increase the patriotic fervor of
+this chivalrous Virginian.
+
+It was on the second morning after the summary incarceration of Mr. BOB
+PETERS, that Mr. ORDETH peremptorily called for his newspaper, and,
+having elevated his feet upon the window sill, proceeded to read the
+more humorous articles of the journal in question, which were chiefly
+devoted to the discussion of divers excellent plans for invading the
+North in one column, and burning Richmond in the next. The only other
+person in the apartment at the time was Mrs. ORDETH, who turned very
+pale when her lord took up his paper, and watched him as he read, with
+considerable agitation. She was evidently expecting an explosion, and
+it came.
+
+Having perused with mitigated satisfaction a leader on the sublime
+nobility of soul evidenced by the people who destroyed their city at
+the approach of the enemy, Mr. ORDETH turned to the Local Department of
+the reduced sheet before him, and was electrified at the discovery
+therein of a full and accurate account of the arrest of "one ROBERT
+PETERS, supposed to be a Yankee spy, who is said to have found refuge
+for some time past in the house of a well-known citizen, and who was
+seized at the instigation of a devoted Daughter of the South, who, by a
+pardonable device, lured him from his hiding place for that purpose.
+But for the disordered state of things just now, the citizen said to
+have harbored this fellow would be called to account for his equivocal
+concern in the matter."
+
+The paper dropped from the hands of Mr. ORDETH, and he stared at his
+wife in utter bewilderment.
+
+"Don't be angry with us, VICTOR!" exclaimed that lady, tremblingly; for
+she had seen the paper and anticipated what was coming. "LIBBY hid poor
+BOB away because she didn't want to see one of our own relations taken
+and hung, and when she told me of it I didn't dare to tell you."
+
+"And do you mean to tell me that it was in _my_ house he was secreted?"
+asked the Virginian, tragically.
+
+"Yes, my dear, up-stairs, you know."
+
+This unexampled revelation might have produced a scene, had not the
+door been opened at the moment by JOCKO, who unceremoniously entered
+with a folded paper in his hand.
+
+"Dis wus brung for you, Mars'r, by de angel ob de--I mean by de gemman
+wid gold on he shoulder."
+
+The master hastily snatched the paper from the dutiful black, waved him
+magisterially from the presence, and found himself ordered to report on
+the following morning for military duty at the headquarters of the
+military commandant, Richmond. A new draft was ordered!
+
+Passing the paper to his wife, without a word of comment, Mr. ORDETH
+commenced to pace the room with long and rapid strides. Finally, he
+stopped short before his lady's chair:--
+
+"I am beginning to think," said he, coolly, "that the Union is best for
+the South, after all."
+
+"Yes, my dear."
+
+"And we must be off for Danville this very afternoon."
+
+"Oh!"
+
+A pause, and then--
+
+"I was hasty about BOB. My friend, GENERAL EVANS, has just come in from
+Leesburg. I must explain this matter to him and get BOB discharged; for
+BOB may be of great service to us, my dear, when the Yankees take
+possession."
+
+Mrs. ORDETH understood her husband well enough to appreciate this
+remarkable change in his sentiments, and refrained from exhibiting any
+astonishment at this speech. She only answered:
+
+"You know best, VICTOR."
+
+The head of the house received this judicious reply in full payment of
+all demands on his wife's attention, and immediately went forth to put
+his designs into execution--as fine a specimen of the Southern Union
+man as ever welcomed the advent of the loyal army with enthusiasm, and
+immediately presented a bill for damages sustained in the cause of
+Freedom!
+
+
+                      CHAPTER VIII.--WITHOUT END.
+
+Seated upon the lounge where _he_ so often had rested, with her elbows
+resting upon the table on which _his_ arms had so frequently reposed,
+sat the afflicted LIBBY. She had heard her paternal leave the house an
+hour before, and she had just heard the sound of his boots in the hall
+below as he returned; but she felt no desire to learn the reason
+thereof. Like her mother, she had seen the account of MR. PETERS'
+arrest in the morning paper, and her bewilderment at the statement
+respecting the device used to entrap that persecuted youth by a
+Daughter of the South, was only equalled by her grief at the
+unfortunate present predicament of her lover. So absorbed was she in
+her sorrows that she heard not the opening of the parlor door below
+her, nor the sound of footsteps on the stairs:--
+
+"Miss ORDETH!"
+
+Was it a dream? The beautiful mourner turned quickly in the direction
+of the sound, and beheld the bodily presentment of Mr. BOB PETERS, who
+stood near the door with his shocking bad hat between his hands and an
+expression of stern reproach upon his countenance.
+
+"BOB!--you here?" exclaimed the maiden, starting from her seat with a
+little shriek.
+
+"Mr. PETERS, if you please, Madame," said the late captive, with much
+dignity. "Owing to a great spread of Union sentiment in the bosom of
+your paternal relative, and his consequent representation in my behalf,
+I _am_ here, to blast you with the sight of the innocence you have
+betrayed! I slipped up here to confront you, Madame," observed Mr.
+PETERS, with some ease of manner, "while the old ones were packing the
+silver-plated spoons preparatory to a combined movement on the peaceful
+hamlet of Danville."
+
+"What do you mean, you ridiculous thing?" asked LIBBY, scarcely
+believing her own ears.
+
+"That we must part," returned Mr. PETERS, calmly straightening an angle
+in the rim of his hat. "You named an hour for my nocturnal
+escape--quarter-past Twelve. I fled the Residence at that unseemly
+hour, though another maiden had previously invited me to liberty and
+the pursuit of happiness. I went, and walked straight into the arms of
+the unsleeping Southern Confederacy, who was inebriated at the time,
+and conducted me to the penal pork-packing establishment. Enough! we
+part. I go to Danville with you, but only as an ordinary acquaintance
+of chilling reserve."
+
+"Why BOB, what can you mean?" ejaculated _Libby_, to whom this
+remarkable speech was not particularly lucid; "it was not my fault that
+you were taken. If you had gone at quarter-past Twelve, as I told you,
+all would have been well. Oh, BOB, when JOCKO told me next morning that
+he had waited for you a whole hour in the hall in vain, and when ma and
+I found that you had really gone at the wrong time, I sat right down
+and cried my eyes out."
+
+"The wrong time!" exclaimed Mr. PETERS, striding suddenly toward the
+mirror. "Impossible! Observe this repeater of mine, which is a reliable
+time-piece. On the night in question, this repeater was plainly before
+me, hanging on this gas bracket, before this looking-glass." Here Mr.
+PETERS illustrated his assertion by suspending his watch from the
+bracket, under which it spun feebly for a moment. "At the very instant
+of my waking from a temporary slumber, I caught sight of this same
+repeater in the glass, and--why! what's this?"
+
+In a moment every vestige of resentment had faded from the features of
+Mr. BOB PETERS, and he stood staring at the reflection of his watch in
+the glass with the look of a man in the last stage of wonder.
+
+LIBBY timidly drew near and placed a hand on his arm.
+
+"What's the matter, dear?"
+
+"What time is it now by the repeater?" asked Mr. PETERS, excitedly, but
+without moving his eyes.
+
+"Why, it's ten minutes past Ten," replied LIBBY, glancing at the face
+of the watch as it appeared in the mirror, and wondering what would
+come next.
+
+"Look again!!" thundered Mr. PETERS.
+
+"Why," repeated LIBBY, half-frightened, "it's ten minutes past Ten."
+
+Mr. BOB PETERS deliberately took down his watch and pointed
+convulsively at its face with one finger. The time was ten minutes _of_
+Ten!
+
+Mr. PETERS' first act was to clasp the maiden to his bosom and kiss her
+unceremoniously. Then releasing her, he took two steps in a popular
+break-down and burst into a stentorian peal of laughter.
+
+"I shall have to call Pa," said poor LIBBY.
+
+"Not a bit of it!" shouted BOB, ceasing his Terpsichoreanism for a
+moment; "don't you see the joke? It's all in the looking-glass, my pet.
+When I thought it was a quarter past Twelve and fled the residence, it
+was really a quarter _of_ Twelve--don't you see? The looking-glass
+_reversed the hands on the watch_!"
+
+And so it was, _mon ami_. Hold your own time-piece with its face to a
+mirror, and you will "see the point."
+
+But what can excuse that General who, after leading the whole country
+to expect that he would take Richmond in time for me to conclude this
+picture of Southern life, as I originally planned to do, now changes
+his base of operation in a strategic manner, and introduces a fizzle
+into romantic literature----
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Here Smith-Brown, who happened to be awake, coughed intrusively, my
+boy, and says he:
+
+"The fault is not the General's, my friend. The Secretary of War is
+alone to blame for it. He has killed literature."
+
+How true was that speech, my boy. The Secretary is indeed responsible
+for this literary disaster, as well for everything else; and if he ever
+undertakes to stand on his own responsibility, he will find plenty of
+room to move about.
+
+                                     Yours, droopingly,
+                                                    ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                               LETTER LV.
+
+  SETTING FORTH A NEW VILLAINY OF THE INSIDIOUS BLACK REPUBLICANS,
+      AND DESCRIBING THE THRILLING CONSTITUTIONAL BATTLE OF DUCK LAKE.
+
+
+                                    WASHINGTON, D. C., July 12th, 1862.
+
+Owing to the persistent stupidity of Congress and the
+hideously-treasonable machinations of the unscrupulous black
+republicans, my boy, the weather still continues very hot; and unless
+the thermometer falls very soon, an exhausted populace will demand an
+immediate change in the Cabinet. I am very warm, my boy--I am very
+warm; and when I reflect upon the agency of the abolitionists, who have
+brought this sort of thing about for the express purpose of injuring my
+Constitution, I am impelled to ask myself: Did our revolutionary
+forefathers indeed expire in vain? O my country! my country! it is very
+warm.
+
+Such weather, my boy, is particularly trying to Sergeant O'Pake's
+friend,
+
+        THE IRISH PICKET.
+
+  I'm shtanding in the mud, Biddy,
+    With not a spalpeen near,
+  And silence, spaichless as the grave,
+    Is all the sound I hear.
+  Me gun is at a showlder arms,
+    I'm wetted to the bone,
+  And whin I'm afther shpakin' out,
+    I find meself alone.
+
+  This Southern climate's quare, Biddy,
+    A quare and bastely thing,
+  Wid Winter absint all the year,
+    And Summer in the Spring.
+  Ye mind the hot place down below?
+    And may ye niver fear
+  I'd dhraw comparisons--but then
+    It's awful warrum here.
+
+  The only moon I see, Biddy,
+    Is one shmall star, asthore,
+  And that's fornint the very cloud
+    It was behind before;
+  The watchfires glame along the hill
+    That's swellin' to the south,
+  And whin the sentry passes them
+    I see his oogly mouth.
+
+  It's dead for shlape I am, Biddy,
+    And dramein shwate I'd be,
+  If them ould rebels over there
+    Would only lave me free;
+  But when I lane against a shtump
+    And shtrive to get repose,
+  A musket ball he's comin' shtraight
+    To hit me spacious nose.
+
+  It's ye I'd like to see, Biddy,
+    A shparkin' here wid me
+  And then, avourneen, hear ye say,
+    "Acushla--Pat--machree!"
+  "Och, Biddy darlint," then says I,
+    Says you, "get out of that;"
+  Says I, "me arrum mates your waist,"
+    Says you, "be daycent, Pat."
+
+  And how's the pigs and ducks, Biddy?
+    It's them I think of, shure,
+  That looked so innocent and shwate
+    Upon the parlor flure;
+  I'm shure ye're aisy with the pig
+    That's fat as he can be,
+  And fade him wid the best, because
+    I'm towld he looks like me.
+
+  Whin I come home again, Biddy,
+    A sargent tried and thrue,
+  It's joost a daycent house I'll build
+    And rint it chape to you.
+  We'll have a parlor, bedroom, hall,
+    A duck-pond nately done,
+  With kitchen, pig-pen, praty-patch,
+    And garret--all in one
+
+  But, murther! there's a baste, Biddy,
+    That's crapin' round a tree,
+  And well I know the crature's there
+    To have a shot at me.
+  Now, Misther Rebel, say yere prayers,
+    And howld yer dirthy paw,
+  Here goes!--be jabers, Biddy dear,
+    I've broke his oogly jaw!
+
+I was talking some moments ago with a Regimental Surgeon, who has more
+patients on a monument than Shakspere ever dreamed about, and says he:
+"In consequence of the great number of troops now about this city, all
+the oxygen in the atmosphere is exhausted, and we are very warm. Had
+all these troops been sent to McClellan two weeks ago," says he, using
+his lancet to pick a dead fly out of his tumbler, "we might be able to
+keep cool now. There is a terrible responsibility on somebody's
+shoulders."
+
+That's very true, my boy, and it's very warm.
+
+There was a panic this morning in financial circles, owing to the
+frantic conduct of a gambling chap from the Senate, who has been saving
+up money to bet on the fall of Richmond, and was trying to put it out
+at interest. "I'll take seven per cent. for it the first year," says
+he, anxiously, "and leave it standing until national strategy comes to
+a head."
+
+A broker took it for five years, my boy, with the privilege of
+extending the time after each fresh victory.
+
+Speaking of victories, my boy, I was present at the recent series of
+triumphs by the Mackerel Brigade, on the left shore of Duck Lake, and
+witnessed a succession of feats calculated to culminate either in the
+fall of Richmond or the fall of the year.
+
+From the head-quarters in the city of Paris to the brink of Duck Lake,
+the Mackerels were drawn up in gorgeous line of battle, their bayonets
+resembling somewhat an uncombed head of steel hair, and their noses
+looking like a wavy strip of summer sunset. By their last great
+stragetical manoeuvre, they had lured the Southern Confederacy to court
+its own destruction by flanking them at both ends of the line, and they
+were only waiting for the master-mind to give them the signal.
+
+Samyule Sa-mith advanced from this place in the staff as I rode up, and
+says he:
+
+"Comrades, the General depends on you to precede him to glory. We had
+hoped," says Samyule, feelingly, "to have the company of two French
+counts in this day's slaughter; but those two noble Gauls had not time
+to wait, as they desired to visit the Great Exhibition in London."
+
+These remarks were well received, my boy; and when the order was given
+for Company 3, Regiment 5, to detour to the left, it would have been
+promptly obeyed but for an unforeseen incident. Just as Captain Villiam
+Brown was about to break line for the purpose, an aged chap came
+dashing down from a First Family country-seat near by, and says he to
+the General of the Mackerel Brigade:
+
+"I demand a guard for my premises immediately. My wife," says he, with
+dignity, "has just been making a custard-pie for the sick Confederacies
+in the hospital, and as she has just set it out to cool near where my
+little boy shot one of your vandals this morning, she is afraid it
+might be taken by your thieving mudsills when they came after the body.
+I, therefore, demand a guard for my premises, in the name of the
+Constitution of our forefathers."
+
+Here Captain Bob Shorty stepped forward, and says he:
+
+"What does the Constitution say about custard pie, Mr. Davis?"
+
+The aged chap spat at him, and says he:
+
+"I claim protection under that clause which refers to the pursuit of
+happiness. Custard pies," says he, reasoningly, "are included in the
+pursuit of happiness."
+
+"That's very true," says the General, looking kindly over his fan at
+the venerable petitioner. "Let a guard be detailed to protect this good
+old man's premises. We are fighting _for_ the Constitution, not against
+it."
+
+A guard was detailed, my boy, with orders to make no resistance if they
+were fired upon occasionally from the windows of the house; and then
+Captain Villiam Brown pushed forward with what was left of Company 3,
+to engage the Confederacy on the edge of Duck Lake, supported by the
+Orange County Howitzers. Headed by the band, who played patriotic airs
+as soon as he could shake the crumbs out of his key-bugle, the
+cavalcade advanced to the edge of the lake and opened a heavy salute of
+round shot and musketry on the atmosphere, whilst Commodore Head kept
+up a hot fire at the horizon with his iron-plated fleet and swivel gun.
+
+Only waiting to finish a game of base ball, in which they had been
+engaged, four regiments of Confederacies, at whom this deadly assault
+was directed, threw aside their bats and ball dresses, put on their
+uniforms, loaded their muskets and batteries, and sent an iron shower
+in all directions. Greatly demoralized by this unseemly occurrence, a
+file of Mackerels under Sergeant O'Pake immediately threw down their
+muskets and knapsacks, emptied their pockets upon the ground, piled
+their neckties in a heap, and were making a rapid retrograde movement,
+when Villiam suddenly threw himself in their path, and says he:
+
+"Where are you going to, my fearless eaglets?"
+
+"Hem!" says the sergeant, with much French in his manner, "we thought
+of visiting the Great Exhibition in London."
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, understandingly, "you have acquired French in one
+easy lesson, and--"
+
+Here an orderly rode up with an order for the Mackerels to fall back
+from the edge of the Lake immediately, leaving their artillery,
+bayonets, havelocks, and baggage behind them; and Villiam was obliged
+to conduct the movement, which was a part of the strategical scheme of
+the General of the Mackerel Brigade. As we retreated back into Paris,
+my boy, we were joined by the Conic Section, and shortly after by the
+Anatomical Cavalry, both of which had succeeded in leaving all their
+accoutrements on the field.
+
+As we all rushed together before head-quarters in perfect order, and
+while the Confederacy was eating some provisions, which we had
+refrained from bringing off the late scene of conflict, the General of
+the Mackerel Brigade came from under a tree, where he had been tanning
+himself, and says he:
+
+"My children, we have whipped them at all points, and the day is ours."
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, abstractedly, "the day is hours."
+
+"My children," says the General, in continuation, "we have pushed the
+enemy to the wall without fracturing the Constitution, and have only
+put the war back six months. We can say with pride, my children, that
+we belong to the Army of Duck Lake, and shall have no more Bull Runs.
+My children, I love you. Accept my blessing."
+
+We were reflecting upon this soul-stirring speech, my boy, and silently
+admiring the strategy which had brought us all together again so soon,
+when the sound of drum and fife called our attention to a club of
+political chaps who had just arrived by steamer from the Sixth Ward,
+and were filing past us to a platform recently erected in the very
+centre of Paris.
+
+"I do believe," says Captain Bob Shorty, whisperingly, "I do believe
+we're going to have a mass meeting."
+
+Onward went the political chaps to the platform.
+
+A delegation mounted the steps, advanced to the front rails, and
+commenced unfurling a vast linen banner. The sun was just setting, my
+boy, and as his parting beams fell upon the uplifted faces of the
+political chaps, a soft breeze unrolled the standard, and the Mackerels
+read upon its folds--
+
+  REGULAR CONSERVATIVE NOMINATION
+  FOR
+  PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
+  IN 1865.
+  THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
+
+Shall it be said, after this, that republics are ungrateful? I think
+not, my boy--I think not. We have won a great and glorious victory, and
+the only question remaining to be answered is, Who is responsible for
+it, my boy--who is responsible for it?
+
+                                     Yours, in bewilderment,
+                                                       ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                               LETTER LVI.
+
+  WHEREIN ARE PRESENTED SOME FEMININE REFERENCES, AN ANECDOTE BY THE
+      EXECUTIVE, AND CERTAIN NOTES OF A VISIT TO THE FESTIVE
+      SHENANDOAH VALLEY.
+
+
+                                     WASHINGTON, D. C., July 19th, 1862.
+
+Permit me to return thanks through your mail, my boy, for a large
+feather fan recently consigned to my address by one of the admiring
+Women of America. It looks like a tail freshly plucked from a
+large-sized American eagle, and is decorated with a French-plate mirror
+in the centre and other French plates around the edges. The
+kind-hearted woman of America (who writes from Boston) says in her
+presentation note--"I admire to see a fan in the hands of the sterner
+sex; for it shows that the same hero-fist that grasps the sword has
+enough inherent gentleness to wave the cooling bauble. Such is life.
+The hand which falls like a hundred pounds of granite on the flinty eye
+of his ke-yuntery's foes has the softness of a blessing when it
+caresses the golden head of plastic childhood.
+
+    Yours, gushingly,      Zephyrina Percy."
+
+I find the "cooling bauble" very useful to brush the flies from my
+gothic steed Pegasus, my boy, and am a fanatic "to this extent, no
+more."
+
+And here is what another young woman of America says to me in a note:
+
+"My ma requests me to tell you that you ought to be ashamed of
+yourself, you hateful thing, for encouraging the vulgar people to be in
+favor of this nasty war, that is causing their superiors so much
+trouble, and has driven away the opera, and made enemies of those nice
+Southerners, with their beautiful big eyes and elegant swearing. Why
+don't you advocate a compromise, or a Habeas Corpus, or some other
+paper with names to it, and get Mr. Lincoln to stop the Constitution
+and order the war to be ended before there's any more assassinations
+and things? My pa was once a leather banker, and sold shoes for
+plantation servants, and made a great deal of money by it; but now he's
+a captain, or a surveyor, or some ridiculous thing, of the Home Guard,
+and may be massacred in cold blood the first time there's a battle in
+our neighborhood. My pa has to go to drill every night, and when he
+comes home in the morning he's so worn out with exhaustion that I've
+known him to lay right down in the hall and shed tears. My ma often
+says, that if Beauregard, or Palmerston, or any other foes should
+attack our house while pa is in that state, it would kill her dead. And
+I know it would make me so nervous that I should be a perfect fright
+for a week. My brother, Adolphus, has likewise joined the Home Guard,
+and has already had a bloody engagement with a Southerner named Tailor,
+who used to sell him clothes when the two sections were at peace.
+Adolphus says if it hadn't been for his double-quick, or some
+ridiculous military thing or other, he would have been made a prisoner.
+It makes me sick to see how much lowness there is about Adolphus since
+he joined the ridiculous army; he calls his dinner 'rations,' and
+addresses me as 'Corporal Lollypop,' (the absurd thing!) and calls ma's
+crinoline a 'counter-scarp.'
+
+"My pa says that he shall have to sell the carriage and the beautiful
+dog-cart if this hateful war don't end by the first of next month; and
+when I asked him yesterday if we couldn't have the gothic villa next to
+the Jones's at Newport this summer, he actually swore! The Joneses, you
+know, are very pleasant, sociable, vulgar sort of people, with a little
+money; and it would kill me to see them putting on airs over us because
+we didn't happen to take a cottage with bow-windows like them. My pa
+says that old Jones has got a contract to make clothes for the
+soldiers, and has made a great deal of money by manufacturing coats and
+other ridiculous things out of blue paper instead of cloth. Augustus
+Jones says if he don't meet me at Newport this summer he will enlist as
+soon as he comes back; and it would be just like the absurd creature to
+do it. I don't see why pa can't get out an indictment or something
+against the blockade, and call on the postmaster or some other
+ridiculous thing to send his new stock of plantation shoes to Alabama
+under a guard, and bring back the money. I don't see the use of living
+in a republic if one can't do that much. My ma says that you newspaper
+people could stop the dreadful war if you would only advocate
+compromises and things, and not be so ridiculous. Why can't you leave
+out some of those absurd advertisements, and publish an article telling
+Mr. Lincoln that the war is ruining society? If it continues much
+longer, I shall have to wear my last year's bonnet a whole month, and
+I'd rather die. Do say something absurd, you ridiculous thing."
+
+Have the war stopped right away, my boy,--have the war stopped right
+away.
+
+Matters and things here are still in a strategic condition, and naught
+has disturbed our monotony, for a week, save a story they tell about
+the Honest Old Abe. It seems that two of the conservative Border State
+chaps, who are here for the express purpose of protesting against
+everything whatever, had a discussion about the Honest Abe, and one
+chap bet the other chap five dollars that he couldn't, by any possible
+means, speak to the President without hearing a small anecdote.
+
+"Done!" says the other chap, gleefully, "I'll take the bet."
+
+That very same night, at about twelve o'clock, he tore frantically up
+to the White House, and commenced thundering at the door like King
+Richard at the gates of Ascalon. The Honest Abe stuck his night-capped
+head out of the window, and says he:
+
+"Is that you, Mr. Seward?"
+
+"No, sir," says the Border State chap, glaring up through the darkness.
+"I'm a messenger from the army. Another great strategic movement has
+taken place, and our whole army have been taken prisoners by the
+Southern Confederacy. In fact," says the conservative chap,
+frantically, "the backbone of the rebellion is broken AGAIN."
+
+"Hem!" says the Honest Abe, shaking a musquito from his nightcap, "this
+strategy reminds me of a little story. There was a man, out in Iowa,
+sat down to play a game of checkers with another man, inducing his
+friends around him to lend him the change necessary for stakes. He
+played and he played, and he lost the first game. Then he played much
+more cautiously, and lost the next game. His friends commenced to
+grumble; but, says he: 'Don't you worry yourselves, boys, and I'll show
+you a cute move pretty soon.' So he played, and he played, and he lost
+the third game. 'Don't be impatient, boys,' says he; 'you'll see that
+great move pretty soon, I tell you.' Then he played with great care,
+taking a long time to consider every move, and, by way of change, lost
+the fourth game. Close attention to what he was about, and much minute
+calculation, also enabled him to lose the fifth game. By this time his
+friends had lent him all their change, and began to think it was time
+for that great move of his to come off. 'Have you any more change?'
+says he. 'Why, no,' says they. 'Then,' says he, with great spirit, 'the
+time for that move I was telling you about has come at last.' As he
+commenced to rise from his chair, instead of continuing to play, his
+cleaned-out friends bethought themselves to ask him what that famous
+move was? 'Why,' says he, pleasantly, 'it's to move off for a little
+more change.'"
+
+At the conclusion of this quaint tale, my boy, the Border State chap
+fled groaning to his quarters at Willard's, stuck a five-dollar
+Treasury Note under the pillow of the other Border State chap, and
+immediately took the evening train for the West.
+
+Such is the story they tell, my boy; but I'm inclined to accept it
+merely as a work of fiction, with a truthful moral. Certain it is, that
+as strategy increases, small change grows scarcer, and it is the
+general opinion that no small change is needed in military matters.
+
+In company with a patriotic democratic chap, who had come up from New
+York, for the express purpose of seeing that the negroes of the
+Southern Confederacy were not permitted to inform our forces of the
+movements of the enemy in contravention of the Constitution, I made a
+reconnoissance in force, on Monday, to the festive Shenandoah Valley.
+On our way thither, the democratic chap was greatly bitten by
+musquitos, for which he justly blamed the black republicans, who are
+trying to break up this Government, and on our arrival near Winchester,
+we stumbled upon a phlegmatic fellow-man in a swallow-tailed coat and
+green spectacles, who was seated on a stone by the roadside, reading
+the "Impending Crisis." The democratic chap passed on, swearing, to the
+nearest camp; but I paused before this interesting student.
+
+"Well, old swallow-tails," says I, affably, "what are you doing in this
+section?"
+
+He looked up at me with great severity of countenance, and says he: "I
+have come here, young man, to agitate the Negro Question; to open
+African schools; and, peradventure, to start a water cure
+establishment."
+
+"What for?" says I.
+
+"For the love of my species," says he, eagerly, "and for any little
+contract in the way of red breeches and spelling books that may be
+required for the reclaimed contrabands?"
+
+Was this a case of purely disinterested philanthropy? Perhaps so, my
+boy, perhaps so; but the old swallow-tails reminded of a chap I once
+knew in the Sixth Ward. He was a high toned moral chap of much
+shirt-collar, with a voice that sounded like a mosquito in the bottom
+of a fish-horn, and a chin like a creased apple-dumpling. Years before
+he had married a Southern crinoline and talked about the glories of
+slavery in a polished and high-moral way; but as there happened just
+then to be a chance for him to run for alderman on the abolition
+ticket, he experienced a change of heart, and addressed a meeting on
+the evils of human bondage: "My friends," says he, patting his stomach
+in a heartfelt manner, "I once lived at the South and owned slaves; but
+never could I feel that it was right. My pastor would say to me: 'These
+men-slaves are black, you say; but have they not the same feelings with
+you, the same features--only handsomer?' I felt this to be so, my
+friends; I commenced to appreciate the enormity of holding human souls
+in bondage."
+
+Here a susceptible venerable maiden in the audience became so
+overpowered by her emotions, that she placed her head in the lap of a
+respectable single gentleman, and fainted away.
+
+"My friends," continued the high-toned moral chap, "I could not bear
+the stings of conscience; my nights were sleepless, but I slept during
+the day. There was I, pretending to be a Christian, yet holding men and
+women as chattels! Heavens himself was outraged by it, and I resolved
+to make a sacrifice for the sake of principle--to cease to be a
+slaveholder! I called my slaves together: I addressed them paternally
+and piously, and then I--(here the great, scalding tears rolled down
+the cheeks of the orator, and the audience sobbed horribly)--I bade
+them be good boys and girls, and then I--SOLD EVERY ONE OF THEM!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There was a movement of the audience toward the door. Men and women
+went out silently from the place, exchanging covert glances of
+smothered agitation with each other. Only one person remained with the
+orator. It was an old file with a blue umbrella, who had occupied a
+back seat and paid breathless attention to all the performances. After
+the others had left the hall, he walked deliberately from his seat to
+where the high-toned moral chap was still standing, and gazed into the
+face of the latter with an expression of unmitigated wonder. He then
+walked twice around him; having done which he confronted him again,
+thumped the ferule of his umbrella on the floor, and says he: "Well!"
+The old file paused an instant, and then says he: "well, I'll be dam,"
+and waddled precipitately from the place.
+
+I've often thought of it since then, my boy; and I've always wondered
+why it was that the solitary old file with the blue umbrella should say
+that he be dam.
+
+To return to Western Virginia; I found, upon my arrival in one of the
+camps near Winchester, that the patriotic democratic chap was making
+arrangements to divide the army there into Wards, instead of regiments,
+in order, as he said, that the returns might come in systematically.
+
+"For instance," says he, "suppose that in the skirmish with the
+Confederacy which is going on just ahead of us, we should lose--say
+seventy-five votes; how much easier it would be to say; the 'Fourth
+Ward shows a decrease since last year of seventy-five Republicans',
+than to say that such a regiment, of such a brigade, of such a
+division, has lost so and so?"
+
+I was reflecting upon this novel and admirable way of putting it, my
+boy, when an orderly came tearing in, with a report of the skirmishing
+going on.
+
+"Ha!" says the patriotic chap to him; "how does the canvas proceed?"
+
+"Well," says the orderly, breathlessly, "Banks' outpost has lost twenty
+votes in the Tenth Ward by desertions, and has thirty double-votes
+wounded; but I think Banks can still keep neck-and-neck with McDowell."
+
+"You do, hey?" says the patriotic chap, in great excitement. "Then
+McDowell must not lend Banks a single vote. Tell him to keep his Ward
+Committees under cover until Banks gets through with his canvas; for if
+he takes part in that, and the election results in a victory over the
+Confederacy, Banks will get all the credit of it, and win the card in
+the next Nominating Convention."
+
+So McDowell's votes didn't re-enforce Banks in the skirmish, my boy,
+and Banks lost much popularity by being worsted, by the Confederacy.
+
+As soon as the firing had ceased, I went out to meet some of the
+returning Wards, and came plump upon the swallow-tail chap, who was
+agitating the negro question in a corner of the late battle-field,
+surrounded by fugitive contrabands.
+
+"Friend of the human race," says I, "how now?"
+
+"Young man," says he, hastily tying a red silk pocket-handkerchief
+about his head, "I am teaching these oppressed beings to spell, having
+extemporized a college on the very scene of their recent emancipation."
+
+"How far have the collegians progressed?" says I.
+
+"They have got," says he, "to their a-b, abs. Thus; a-b, ab; o-abo; l-i
+li, aboli; t-i-o-n shun--abolition."
+
+Shameful to relate, my boy, the swallow-tailed chap had no sooner said
+this, than a cavalry ward came charging helter-skelter, right through
+the college, tumbling the faculty into the mud, and bruising several
+sophomore graduates. Simultaneously, the patriotic democratic chap
+appeared on the scene, and insisted upon it that the contrabands should
+be immediately returned to the Southern Confederacy, as this is a white
+man's war. "Otherwise," says he, cholerically, "future reconciliation
+and reconstruction will be impossible."
+
+Fearful that I should become confused a little if I remained there any
+longer, my boy, I at once retired from the place, in company with two
+sick votes, who were going home on furlough, and reached this city
+again in good order.
+
+Almost the first fellow-being I met on my return was a seedy and
+earnest chap from New York, who was worth about a quarter in ready
+money, and had come to Washington post-haste to pledge the Empire
+State's last dollar, and last drop of blood for the vigorous
+prosecution of the war.
+
+"See here, my self-denying Brutus," says I, as we took Richmond
+together at the bar, "who commissioned you to pledge so much as all
+that?"
+
+"To tell the truth," says the seedy chap, confidentially, "it's all
+I've got left to pledge. I pledged my pinchbeck chronometer for three
+dollars," says he, sadly, "just before I left New York; and I'm trying
+this pledge on speculation."
+
+I have sometimes feared, my boy, that our Uncle Samuel's concern is
+turning into a pawnbroking establishment on a large scale, where they
+make advances on everything tangible and intangible, except Richmond,
+my boy--except Richmond.
+
+    Yours, with a presentiment,
+    ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LVII.
+
+  SUGGESTING MENTAL RELAXATION FOR A TIME, AND INTRODUCING A FAMILIAR
+      SKETCH OF THE WAR-STRICKEN DRAMA IN THE RURAL DISTRICTS.
+
+
+                                      WASHINGTON, D. C., July 23d, 1862.
+
+Yesterday morning, my boy, I refreshed myself by a lounge across Long
+Bridge to the fields about Arlington Heights, where blooming Nature
+still has verdant spots untrampled by the iron heel of strategic war.
+
+How pleasant is it, my boy, to escape occasionally from the society of
+Congressmen and brigadiers, and take a lazy sprawl in the fragrant
+fields. It is the philosopher's way of enjoying Summer's
+
+            DOLCE FAR NIENTE.
+
+I.
+
+  Still as a fly in amber, hangs the world
+    In a transparent sphere of golden hours,
+  With not enough of life in all the air
+    To stir the shadows or to move the flowers;
+        And in the halo broods the angel Sleep,
+        Wooed from the bosom of the midnight deep
+      By her sweet sister Silence, wed to Noon.
+
+II.
+
+  Held in a soft suspense of summer light,
+    The generous fields with all their bloom of wealth
+  Bask in a dream of Plenty for the years,
+    And breathe the languor of untroubled Health.
+        Without a ripple stands the yellow wheat,
+        Like the Broad Seal of God upon the sheet
+      Where Labor's signature appeareth soon.
+
+III.
+
+  As printed staves of thankful Nature's hymn,
+    The fence of rails a soothing grace devotes,
+  With clinging vines for bass and treble cleffs
+    And wrens and robins here and there for notes;
+        Spread out in bars, at equal distance met,
+        As though the whole bright summer scene were set
+      To the unuttered melody of Rest!
+
+IV.
+
+  Along the hill in light voluptuous wrapt
+    The daisy droops amid the staring grass,
+  And on the plain the rose and lily wait
+    For Flora's whispers, that no longer pass;
+        While in the shade the violet of blue
+        Finds in the stillness reigning nature through,
+      That which her gentle modesty loves best.
+
+V.
+
+  The mill-wheel motionless o'ershades the pool,
+    In whose frail crystal cups its circle dips;
+  The stream, slow curling, wanders in the sun
+    And drains his kisses with its silver lips;
+        The birch canoe upon its shadow lies,
+        The pike's last bubble on the water dies,
+      The water lily sleeps upon her glass.
+
+VI.
+
+  Here let me linger, in that waking sleep
+    Whose dreams are all untinged with haunting dread
+  Of Morning's finger on the eyelids pressed,
+    To rouse the soul and leave the vision dead.
+        And while deep sunk in this soft ecstasy
+        I count the pulse of Heaven dreamily,
+      Let all life's bitterness behind me pass!
+
+VII.
+
+  How still each leaf of my oak canopy,
+    That holds a forest syllable at heart,
+  Yet cannot stir enough in all its veins
+    To give the murmured woodland sentence start!
+        So still--so still all nature far and near,
+        As though the world had checked its breath to hear
+      An angel's message from the distant skies!
+
+VIII.
+
+  This one last glance at earth--one, only one--
+    To see, as through a vail, the gentle face
+  Bent o'er me softly, with the timid love
+    That half distrusts the sleep which gives it grace.
+        The thought that bids mine eyelids half unclose
+        Fades to a dream, and out from Summer goes,
+      In the brown Autumn of her drooping eyes.
+
+Thus irregular in rhythm and vagrant in measure, my boy, are the
+half-sleeping thoughts of a summer noon in Virginia; and it was fully
+an hour before I could summon enough strength of mind to peruse a
+letter recently consigned to me by a rustic chap in my native village.
+
+This chap describes to me what he calls the "Downfall of the Dramy,"
+and says he:
+
+The Dramy is a article for which I have great taste, and which I prefer
+to prayer-meeting as a regular thing. Since the time I wore breeches
+intended to facilitate frequent spankings, I have looked upon
+theatrical artiks with a speeshees of excitement not to be egspressed.
+I was once paying teller to a barber artik who shaved a great
+theatrical artik, and although the theatrical artik never could pay for
+his shaving until he drew his celery, he always frowned so splendidly
+when he turned down his collar, and said: "What ho! there Figaro," that
+my infant mind yearned to ask him for a few tickets to the show.
+
+This great respek for the dramy has grown with my hair, and since this
+high old war has desolated the dramy, my buzzom has been nothing else
+but a wilderness of pangs. The other evening, my fren--which is
+courting a six story house with a woman in the title deed--called at my
+shattoe, and proposed that we should wander amid the ruins of the
+dramy. "It's rejooced to a skellington," says he, quite mournful, "and
+its _E pluribus Onion_ is gone down into the hocean wave." As my friend
+used this strong egspression, he tried to wink at me, but didn't get
+farther than a hik-cup. Arm in-arm, like two Siamese-twins in rejooced
+circumstances, we walked in speechless silence to what was formerly the
+entrance half of a theatre in the pallermy days of the dramy. It was
+like the entrance to the great desert of Sary, and as we groped our way
+through the grass to the ticket office, I observed six wild geese and a
+raccoon in a jungle that was a umberella stand in the pallermy days.
+The treasurer was entirely covered with cobwebs, which had been
+accumulating since the day he last saw speshee, and when he at last
+tore himself out, the sight of the quarter which I handed in sent him
+into immediate convulsions.
+
+"Excuse me," says he, "if I weep over this preshus coin; but the force
+of old associations is too much for this affectionate heart."
+
+He then sent a fly-blown little boy for a tumbler of brandy, and was
+weeping into it copious when we emerged from his presence. Upon
+entering the shattered temple of the dramy, we found a vetrun of 1812,
+which the manager had hired to keep company with the man what lit the
+gas, that artik having declared that if he was kept in solitude any
+longer he should shoot himself from sheer melancholy. It was the
+vetrun's business to keep moving from seat to seat until the
+performance was over, so that the artful cuss of a manager could say
+"every seat was okipied" in the next morning's newspaper. When the
+manager, who was representing the orkestra with a comb wrapt in paper,
+saw me and my fren, he paused in the middle of his overture, and said
+we should have a private box, but that the families of his principal
+artiks were keepin' house in the private boxes, and was rayther crowded
+for room. Seeing me put my hand in my pocket, he said, tearful:
+
+"Tellum me, I conjure ye, are there any such things as quarters in the
+round world? It is now six months since I last mingled with the world,
+and I really forget how many make a dollar."
+
+Touched to the quick by his plaintiff tone, I drew forth a quarter, and
+held it before his anguished vision. Never shall I forget how his eyes
+was sot on that ravishing coin.
+
+"Can it indeed be real?" says he, "or is it but a quarter of the mind?"
+
+I was afeard he might come the "let me clutch thee" dodge if I inflamed
+his imagination any longer; so I put it back into my pocket, and
+axidently revealed the handle of my revolver.
+
+When my fren had cut the damp grass away from one of the orchestra
+seats with his jack-knife, we sat down and put up an umbrella to keep
+off the dew. Being a little nervous, I asked the manager if there was
+any snakes about; and he said he see a couple in the parroquet last
+night, but didn't think they had got down to the orkestra yet. The
+vetrun, which was the audience, stoppd chasing a bull-frog in the
+vestibule when the manager struck up "Days of Abstinence" on his comb,
+and immediately took his seat on chair No. 1, with which he always
+commenced. The curting was then unpinned, and disclosed a scene in a
+lumber-yard, with a heavy mortgage on it. The Count de Mahoginy is
+discovered in the ak of leaving his young wife, who is seated on a pile
+of shavings, for the purpose of obtaining immediate relief from the
+Union Defence Committee. The vetrun received him with great applause,
+and moved from seat to seat as though he was in a hurry to reach the
+gallery. When the artik spoke, there was so much empty stomik in his
+tones, that my fren said he seemed like a bean from another world. My
+fren is a spiritualist. The artik then went off at the left entrance,
+and immediately returned in the character of his own uncle, which had
+come home from California with two millions of dollars, and wished to
+give it to his affectionate nephew and niece. He found his niece in the
+lumber-yard, and having heard her sad story, divulged his intention to
+her and she immediately danced a Spanish _par_ (which is French), and
+sung four songs in honor of the sixty-ninth regiment. Then the uncle
+danced a hornpipe, which he learned on the hocean; and so they kept
+agoin till about nine o'clock, when the countess said she heard her
+husband coming. The uncle was so taken aback by this, that he
+immediately made himself into a tableau representing the last charge of
+the Fire Zouaves at Bull Run: and as the comb struck up "I'm a loan,
+all a loan," the curtain was pinned up again. Just as the performance
+ended, the manager explained that he could only aford to keep two
+artiks--a male and female, and _they_ only stayed because he had a
+mortgage on their wardrobes for over-drawed celery. "I'll light you to
+the door," says he, taking up one of the foot-lights, which was a
+turnip with a candle in it; "and I hope you'll come again when we
+projooce our new play. It's called 'The gas man's last charge,' and
+introjoces a real gas-meter and the sheriff."
+
+My fren and I made no reply, but walked sadly from the ruins with tears
+in our eyes.
+
+The regular Drama, my boy, cannot hope to succeed, while the war which
+now monopolizes all attention is believed by some critics to be a
+regular farce.
+
+                                          Yours, tragically,
+                                                        ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LVIII.
+
+  SHOWING HOW THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE ISSUED AN AFFECTING
+      GENERAL ORDER; EXEMPLIFYING THE BEAUTIES OF A SPADE-CAMPAIGN AS
+      EXHIBITED IN STRATEGY HALL, AND CELEBRATING A NOTABLE CASE OF
+      NAVAL STRATEGY.
+
+
+                                     WASHINGTON, D. C., July 26th, 1862.
+
+The high-minded and chivalrous Confederacy having refused to consider
+itself worsted in our recent great strategic victory near Paris, my
+boy, it only remained for the General of the Mackerel Brigade to
+commence undermining the Confederacy, after the manner of a civil
+engineer; and when last I visited the lines, I found a select
+assortment of Mackerels engaged in the balmy summer pastime of digging
+holes, and dying natural deaths in them.
+
+There was one chap with an illuminated nose, who attracted my
+particular attention by landing a spade-full of sacred soil very neatly
+in my bosom, and says I to him:
+
+"Well, my gallant sexton, how do the obsequies progress?"
+
+"Beautiful," says he, pausing long enough to take a powder which the
+surgeon had left with him. "We've just struck a large vein of typhoid
+fever, and them air Peninsula veterans, which, you see in them holes
+yonder, are already delirious with it. Really," says the chap, with an
+air of quiet enjoyment, as he climbed into the hospital litter, just
+sent after him--"really, there's a smart chance of pushing on our
+cemetery to Richmond before the roads become impassable again."
+
+I was looking after him, as the bearers carried him off, my boy, when I
+saw Captain Villiam Brown ambling leisurely toward me on his
+geometrical steed, Euclid, alternately perusing a paper which he held
+in his right hand, and discussing a canteen in his left. The
+countenance of the warrior was thoughtful, and his shovel swung
+listlessly against the charger's flank.
+
+"How now, my Jack of Spades?" says I, sportively.
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, slowly descending from the roof of his stallion,
+and suffering the latter to lean against a tree, "here is a new
+Proclamation for the moral refreshment of the United States of America.
+Read this impartial edick," says Villiam impressively, "and you will
+find it worthy of the Union Track Society."
+
+I took the official parchment, my boy, and found inscribed upon it the
+following affecting
+
+                       GENERAL ORDER.
+
+Whereas, the United States of America now finds himself engaged in an
+unnatural struggle with the celebrated Southern Confederacy, for the
+Union which our forefathers planted; and it being our object to show
+the world that our intentions are honorable; it is hereby ordered, that
+the Mackerel Brigade do take possession of all guns, pistols, and
+howitzers previously fired at them by persons now in arms against this
+government, keeping strict account of said weapons, in order that their
+owners may be duly and amicably paid for them hereafter. It is further
+ordered that persons of Mackerel descent, occupying the cultivated
+grounds of the aforesaid Southern Confederacy, shall keep strict
+account of the time spent upon the same, in order that reasonable rent
+may be paid for the same as soon as the United States of America shall
+resume specie payment.
+
+                  By order of
+            THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
+  GREEN SEAL,     }
+  VINTAGE OF 1776.}
+
+Having perused this document with much attention, I handed it back to
+Villiam, and says I:
+
+"In purity of moral tone, my hero, that paper is worthy the descendant
+of 1776."
+
+"1776!" says Villiam, reflectively. "Ah!" says Villiam, "it takes
+strategy to revive recollections of those days. We have at least
+seventeen hundred and seventy sick ones in our new hospital already.
+Come with me," says Villiam, genially, "and we will survey the interior
+aspeck of Strategy Hall."
+
+Strategy Hall, my boy, is a fine airy hospital extemporized from a
+barn, on the estate of a prominent Southern Union man, now commanding a
+regiment of Confederacies. The house itself would have been taken, as
+it had somewhat more roof than the barn, and a little more shade; but
+when the General of the Mackerel Brigade learned that Washington had
+once thought of taking a second mortgage on it, he gave orders that no
+Mackerel should go within half a mile of the front door.
+
+On entering Strategy Hall, I beheld a scene calculated to elevate
+sickness into a virtue, and shed immortal lustre upon the kind-hearted
+women of America. Comfortably stretched upon rails taken from
+Confederate fences, and of which a strict account had been kept, with a
+view to future compensation, were a whole section of the Mackerel
+Brigade, in the full enjoyment of strategic health. Over each chap's
+head hung his shovel, and a shingle inscribed with his name and
+address. Thus, the shingle nearest me read: "Spoony Bill, Hose Company
+123, New York Fire Department."
+
+And woman--lovely woman! was there, administering hot drinks to the
+fevered head, bathing with ice-water the brow of those shivering with
+the cruel ague, pouring rich gruel over the chin and neck of the
+nervous sufferer, and reading good books to the raving and delirious.
+It was with a species of holy awe that I beheld one of those human
+angels stand a hot coffee-pot upon the upturned face of one invalid,
+while she hastily flew to fill the right ear of a more urgent sufferer
+with cologne-water. And then to see her softly place one of the
+portable furnaces upon a very sick Mackerel's stomach, while she warmed
+the water with which his beloved head was presently to be shaved; and
+to see her bending over to ask one of the more dangerously ill ones if
+he would not like a nice fat piece of fresh pork, while the other end
+of her crinoline was scraping the head of the Mackerel on the opposite
+rail.
+
+  "O woman! in our hours of ease,
+  Uncertain, coy, and hard to please,
+  And variable as the shade
+  By the light, quivering aspen made;
+  When pain and anguish wring the brow
+  A ministering angel thou."
+
+I could have remained here all day, my boy; for I found the berries,
+ice-cream, and liquors, prepared for the patients, really excellent;
+but Villiam hinted to me that a splendid piece of naval strategy was
+just about to come off on Duck Lake, and I desired to witness our
+national triumph on the ocean wave.
+
+Having quitted Strategy Hall, I repaired to the shore of Duck Lake,
+where numerous Mackerels were already watching Commodore Head's fleet
+as it lay waiting for an expected rebel ram on the treacherous element.
+It appeared that a lurking Confederacy in Paris had waited until the
+Mackerels were all in their holes one day, and then hastily constructed
+an iron-plated ram from an old dry-goods box and two cooking stoves.
+With this formidable monster, he designed offering irregular opposition
+to the Government in the way of killing a few vandal regiments, after
+which he proposed to repair to the Confederate side of Duck Lake, and
+send the particulars of his victory to Europe through some of the more
+vigilantly blockaded Southern ports. He had completed his ram, my boy,
+and hidden it under some hay on the Lake shore, ready to commence his
+carnage when the time came; but one of the Mackerels happened to see it
+when he went fishing, and Commodore Head was at once ordered to have
+his iron-plated squadron in readiness to intercept and destroy the
+monster when she should appear.
+
+"Riddle my turret!" says the Commodore, in his marine manner, as he
+sighted his swivel gun and placed his fishing-rod and box of bait near
+his stool on the quarter-deck, "I feel like grappling with half-a-dozen
+rams of chivalry--loosen my plates! if I don't."
+
+And there we stood on that hot July afternoon, watching the noble craft
+as she sat like a duck on the water, the Mackerel crew sitting aft
+picking a marrow-bone, and the venerable Commodore tilted back on his
+stool upon the quarter-deck, fishing for bass.
+
+Presently we could see the treacherous Confederacy stealing down to
+where his iron-plated monster lay hidden. Softly he removed the
+covering of hay, and cautiously did he place the ram in the water,
+carefully examining the priming of the old-fashioned blunderbuss he
+carried under his arm, as he stepped into this new Merrimac, and
+quietly raising his umbrella with one hand, while he paddled off with
+the other.
+
+The distance between our fleet and the spectator being fully two yards,
+Villiam had thoughtfully provided bits of smoked glass for our party,
+and we now brought them to bear upon the scene of approaching
+slaughter. The Mackerel crew on board our squadron appeared to be
+wholly absorbed in the pleasing experiment of following, with a straw,
+the motions of a fly whose wings he had just pulled off, and Commodore
+Head had fallen into a refreshing slumber in the midst of his fishing.
+In fact, no means had been left unemployed to guard against a surprise.
+
+Now, it happened that the nautical Confederacy did his paddling with
+his back to the bow of his iron-plated monster, and before he knew it,
+his ram went smack against the Mackerel fleet, with a sound like the
+smashing of many dinner-plates. So tremendous was the shock, that the
+stool upon which Commodore Head was tilted, gave way beneath his
+weight, and he came down upon the deck with a crash like muffled
+thunder. Simultaneously, the Confederacy discharged his blunderbuss two
+points to windward, and would have followed up his advantage by
+boarding at once; but by this time the Mackerel crew had recovered his
+presence of mind, and poured such a shower upon the intruder from a
+watering-pot which he found in the stern-sheets, that the latter
+retreated in great disorder.
+
+Meanwhile, our gallant old naval hero had regained his feet, and having
+carefully put away his fishing tackle and box of bait, he made his
+appearance on the starboard, with his spy-glass under one arm, his
+speaking trumpet under the other, and his log-book between his teeth.
+
+No sooner did the now thoroughly exasperated Confederacy behold his
+venerable figure, than he hastily shut up his umbrella and violently
+cracked him over the head with it, knocking off his spectacles, and
+greatly damaging his new white hat.
+
+"Batter my armor!" thundered the commodore, picking up his spectacles
+and bending them straight again. "I don't want you to do that again."
+
+"Scorpion!" roared the Confederacy, dropping his umbrella, and dancing
+up and down in his ram, with his arms in a boxing attitude. "Come on,
+base old being!"
+
+"Then take thy doom," shrieked the maddened commodore, quickly striking
+a match on the bottom of one of his boots, and touching off the swivel
+gun. With a report like the explosion of a deadly pistol, the trusty
+weapon hurled its contents about two inches above the head of the
+Mackerel crew, wildly tearing off the cap of the latter, and shaking
+the staunch craft from stem to stern.
+
+Somewhat alarmed by this demonstration, the Confederacy commenced
+shoving off with his ram, using his blunderbuss and umbrella as oars,
+and singing the Southern Marseillaise.
+
+"Out with the sculls and give chase!" ejaculated Commodore Head, in a
+great perspiration. It was found, upon examination, that the sculls had
+been left on shore, and it was further discovered that the Mackerel
+fleet was aground; otherwise our victory would have been more complete.
+
+With eyes strained to the utmost we were gazing upon all this from the
+beach, when Villiam suddenly placed a hand upon my arm, and says he:
+"Hark!"
+
+We listened. There was a sound as of a faint human cry. It approached
+nearer. We could distinguish words. Nearer and nearer. The words now
+came clear and distinct to our quickened ears.
+
+"Extry a-Her-rr-rr-ald, capture of Vicksburg and sinking of the rebel
+ram by Commore Head!"
+
+Since newspapers have become so plentiful in this once distracted
+country, my boy, that even the babe shews them upon its mother's lap,
+the poorest man is enabled to see instantaneously, through a glass as
+it were, the most distant events--a glass, my boy, which makes things
+appear much larger at a distance than they seem to those close by.
+
+                                             Yours, admiringly,
+                                                       ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LIX.
+
+  INSTANCING THE BENEFICENT DEPORTMENT OF THE VENERABLE GAMMON, AND
+      NOTING THE PERFORMANCE OF A REMARKABLE MORAL DRAMA BY CAPTAIN
+      VILLIAM BROWN.
+
+
+                                     WASHINGTON, D. C., August 2d, 1862.
+
+Some enthusiasm was excited here in the early part of the week, my boy,
+by the return of the Venerable Gammon from a visit to his aged family
+at Mugville, whither he goes regularly once a month for the benefit of
+the sagacious chaps of the press. A great blessing is the Venerable
+Gammon to the palladium of our liberties, my boy; for no sooner does
+our army cease to change its base of operations, and do other things
+calculated to make the war interesting and lengthy, than he pulls out
+his ruffles, sighs frequently, and melts away to Mugville. Then all the
+sagacious press chaps rush to the telegraph office and flash feverish
+paragraphs to the intelligent morning journals: "Highly
+important--Sudden departure of the Venerable Gammon for Mugville to
+attend the death-bed of a relative--Believed in military circles that
+this indicates a change in the Cabinet--Border States delegation has
+again waited on the President--More vigorous policy needed."
+
+Whereupon the editors of all the intelligent morning journals
+ecstatically print the paragraphs, affixing to them: "_Note by the
+Editor._--Washington is a town in the so called District of
+Columbia--situated on the Potomac. We infer from our correspondent's
+dispatch that it has not yet been taken by the rebels."
+
+American journalism, my boy, in presenting a vast amount of matter
+daily, is eminently calculated to impress the youthful brain with a
+keen sense of what a wide distinction there is between Mind and Matter.
+
+Immediately on the return of the Venerable Gammon, he commenced saying
+things, which made all the rest of mankind seem like withered children
+in comparison with him. He was beaming genially on the throng at
+Willard's, and says I to him:
+
+"It would appear, my beloved _Pater Patria_, that military matters are
+not quite as interesting as a woman with a headache just now."
+
+The Venerable Gammon pitied my youth, and waved his hand fatly by way
+of a silent blessing to all the world. "Military affairs," says he,
+effulgently, "are like metaphysics. Military affairs," says the
+Venerable Gammon, benignantly, "are like that which we do not
+understand--they defy our comprehension and comprehend our defiance."
+
+Then all the Congressmen looked at each other, as much as to say the
+Union was saved at last; and I felt like a babe in the presence of the
+great Behemoth of the Scriptures.
+
+How the Venerable Gammon has anything at all to do with this war, I
+can't find out, my boy, but when the affectionate populace learned that
+the Venerable Gammon had returned from Mugville, they swarmed around
+his carriage, and entreated him either to spit upon them, or save them
+from slow decay by a speech. It was then the Venerable man raised his
+hand in soothing benediction, and says he:
+
+"My friends, you are young yet, and have much to learn concerning war.
+I can only say to you, my friends, that all goes well with McClellan;
+and, if you will only hasten to fill up old regiments, raise a few
+thousand new ones, and go yourselves, the advance upon Richmond may
+commence at any time."
+
+The most enthusiastic cheering followed this comforting speech of the
+Venerable Gammon, and six ecstatic chaps immediately offered to
+volunteer as major-generals.
+
+Shall we presume to talk of drafting, my boy, when there is such
+readiness on the part of the people to lead the troops? I think not, my
+boy, I think not. Let the draft be protested.
+
+On Wednesday I again took a trip to Paris, accompanied by my frescoed
+dog, Bologna, and found upon reaching that city that the Mackerel
+Brigade had built itself a theatre, after the manner of Drury Lane, and
+was about to partake of the rich intellectual drama. This chaste temple
+might possibly be taken for a cowshed, my boy, by those who are not
+conversant with architecture in one story. It occupies a spot which has
+been rising ground ever since the Mackerels commenced to dig trenches
+around it, and the front door is so spacious that you have to go all
+around the building to find where it stops opening. The seats are
+similar to those which are supposed to have been so popular with the
+Count de Grasse and the stage is exquisitely extemporized from several
+flour-barrels, with a curtain created from the flannel petticoats
+recently belonging to the wife of the Southern Confederacy.
+
+Passing over all intervening events, my boy, let me direct your special
+attention to the night we celebrated, when I found myself occupying a
+box (previously used for crackers) in the temple of the Muses,
+surrounded by uniforms and dazzled by the glitter of the shovels worn
+by the military celebrities present. In a box (marked "Sperm
+Candles--First quality") on my right, I noticed a number of
+distinguished persons whom I did not know, and to the left were grouped
+several celebrated visitors with whom I was not acquainted. The stage
+itself realized numerous brilliant footlights in the way of bottles
+containing gorgeous tallow-dips; and when the orchestra brought out his
+key-bugle and struck up the martial strain of "I want to be an Angel,"
+there _was_ a dry eye in the house.
+
+(Make a note of this last unparalleled fact, my boy; for you, nor any
+other mortal man, ever heard of its occurrence before.)
+
+The curtain having been taken down by a gentleman who had forgotten to
+wash himself when the washstand went round last time, the play
+commenced; and I found it to be
+
+                          THE UNION AS IT WAS.
+
+                    A HIGH MORAL DRAMA, IN ONE ACK.
+
+                  BY CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN, ESKEVIRE.
+
+The plot of this admirable work is very simple, my boy, and appeals to
+those sentiments of the human heart which affect the liver. The scene
+is laid in Washington, where it has been frequently seen, and the drama
+opens with a fine
+
+      CONSERVATIVE CHORUS.
+
+  Abram, spare the South,
+    Touch not a single slave:
+  Nor e'en by word of mouth,
+    Disturb the thing we crave.
+  'Twas our forefather's hand
+    That Slavery begot;
+  There, Abram, let it stand
+    Thine Acts shall harm it not.
+
+At the conclusion of this spirited National Anthem, the Border States
+chaps who have been singing it are invited to have another interview
+with the President, who has only seen them twice the same morning. As
+they pass out, the celebrated Miss Columbia appears, wrapt in deep
+thought and the American flag, and reading the twenty-third
+proclamation for the current month. She asks her heart if she is indeed
+divorced--if her once happy Union is indeed broken; and as her heart
+refuses to answer any such common question, a doubt is allowed to
+remain in the bosom of the spectator. In deep agony she kneels at the
+monument of Washington and softly sings "Hail Columbia," while the
+Southern Confederacy, who has just arrived, proceeds to plant batteries
+all round her, assisted in the work by reliable contrabands. After some
+moments spent in prayer for the repose of Secretary Welles, Columbia
+discovered her surroundings, and is about to make a faint, when the
+spirit of Napoleon appears, and tells her she has nothing to fear, as
+he is about to change his base of operations, and take Richmond. He
+tells her he would have taken it long before but for the Tribune. This
+is a very fine scene--very fine. The spirit of Napoleon then proceeds
+to pick up everything he can find and throw it over to the Southern
+Confederacy, at the same time swinging himself around so that his left
+fist may be presented to the enemy instead of his right, only pausing
+long enough to drive back a reliable contraband who has started to
+desert to him. Matters are progressing admirably, and the Confederacy
+has only planted 24 more batteries around Columbia, when the
+Conservative Chorus comes tearing back to the scene, with the news that
+the President has determined to pay for all runaway slaves in
+postage-stamps! This splendid stroke of policy so completely staggers
+the Confederacy, that he only erects thirty-two more batteries, and
+acknowledges that his back-bone is broken: Strange to say, Columbia
+still labors under the delusion that she is in danger; but is finally
+re-assured by the spirit of Napoleon, who convinces her that all is
+going well, and at once draws his shovel and commences to dig a hole.
+Columbia asks: "Wherefore this digging?" To which the response is:
+
+  "Our Union in its broken state
+    Is discord to the soul:
+  And therefore are we digging here
+    To make the Union hole."
+
+The digging proceeds until the spirit of Napoleon is sunk deep into the
+earth, when the Southern Confederacy deliberately steps over the hole
+and captures Washington, at the same time ordering Columbia to black
+his boots. Columbia would be utterly bereft of hope at this turn in
+affairs but for the cheerful conduct of the Conservative Chorus, who
+bid her rejoice that the good old times have come again. Columbia then
+remembers that she did indeed black the boots of the Confederacy in the
+good old times, and it suddenly flashes upon her that the Union is, in
+truth, restored--AS IT WAS. A brilliant blue light is thrown upon the
+scene, and as the curtain falls the Conservative Chorus are seen in the
+act of taking all the credit to themselves and indignantly refusing to
+pay their war taxes.
+
+This affecting drama of real life was played entirely by gifted
+Mackerels, my boy, the one who acted Columbia being possessed of a
+voice as musical as that which sometimes comes from between the teeth
+of a new saw.
+
+When the last round of applause had subsided, and I was leaving the
+theatre, I came upon the dramatist, Captain Villiam Brown, who appeared
+to be waiting to hear what I had to say about his work. Says I to him:
+
+"Well, my versatile Euripides, your play resembles the better dramas of
+AEschylus, inasmuch as it is all Greek to me."
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, hastily assuming the attitude in which Shakspere
+generally appears in his pictures. "Did I remind you forcibly of the
+bard of Avon?"
+
+"Yes," says I, kindly; "you might easily be taken for Shakspere--after
+dark."
+
+As I turned to leave him, my boy, I could not help thinking how often
+the world will call a man a "Second" So-and-so, long before he has
+anything like commenced to be first, even.
+
+                                             Yours, doubtingly,
+                                                        ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                               LETTER LX.
+
+  REPORTING THE SECOND REGULAR MEETING OF THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB, AND
+      THE BRITISH MEMBER'S CITATION OF THE ENGLISH POETS.
+
+
+                                    WASHINGTON, D. C., August 5th, 1862.
+
+This is a dull day, my boy; and when there is no longer any sunshine to
+make steel bayonets and brass buttons glimmer to the eye, war is stript
+of half its pomp, and the American mind takes a plain, practical view
+of the strife.
+
+Truth to tell, this secession is a very shabby, unromantic thing to
+fight about. There is really no poetry at all about it, my boy, and
+when one would rhyme about it, the mantle of poesy refuses to fall upon
+him, though a bogus sort of Hood may possibly keep him in countenance.
+The cause of this war is simply this--
+
+              PER SE.
+
+      Sepoys--sea-thieves--
+      C. Bonds--see slaves--
+  See seizures made in every kind of way;
+      See debts sequestrated--
+      Sea-island frustrated;
+  Segars--seditionists--and C. S. A.,
+      Seduced from honor bright--
+      Secluded from serenest Wisdom's light--
+      Sea-pent by ships of war--
+  Selected planters for the world no more;
+      Severely snubbed by all--
+      Secure to fall;
+  Sedately left alone by all who see
+  Seed poisonous sown in sectional retrogression;
+  See-saw diplomacy, sedition foui _per se_;
+  Sequel--that serio-comic scene--
+        SECESSION!
+
+Speaking of poetry; I attended the meeting of the Cosmopolitan Club on
+Monday night, and was much electrified by the treasures of British
+literature unfolded by Smith-Brown. That double-chinned chap brought to
+view a roll of manuscript, and says he:
+
+"Instead of reading a story for your entertainment, gentlemen, I
+propose to make you acquainted with the war-sentiments of a few of
+Albion's poet's, as expressed in certain unpublished verses of theirs
+which have privately come into my possession.
+
+"First, let me commend to your attention some amiable rhymes by a bard
+who knows more about this blarsted country than it knows about hitself":
+
+          A MISTAKE BY HEAVEN!
+
+        _By Dr. Charles Mack--y._
+
+  In Heaven's Chancery the Records stand
+  Of men and deeds in each and ev'ry land,
+  And as new rulers rise, or empires fall,
+  Appointed angels make a note of all.
+
+  To mark the changes in this world of late
+  There came a Spirit from the Throne of Fate,
+  Instructed closely, to be sure and see
+  Who earth's chief rulers for _this_ year might be.
+
+  His task accomplished, back the Spirit flew
+  To Heaven's Chancery, as bade to do,
+  And from his vestments took the mystic scroll
+  That named each potentate, from Pole to Pole.
+
+  Recording Angels glanced it sharply o'er,
+  To note each change from what the Records bore;
+  But found no nations changing potentates
+  Until they came to the United States.
+
+  "Another President!" the angels sighed,
+  "Another President!" the Fates replied;
+  And straight a pen the Chief Recorder took
+  To write the ruler's name within his book.
+
+  He wrote--(alas! 'twill hardly be believed
+  The very angels could be so deceived)--
+  He wrote the name that all his sprites might read--
+  Not Abr'am Lincoln; no! but--THURLOW WEED.
+
+  !!   #   #   #   !!   #   #   #   !!
+
+  If foreign nations fail to judge your cause
+  In strict accordance with set Christian laws,
+  It is no proof of their intending crimes,
+  Since angels, even, make mistakes at times!
+
+We were all silent after that, my boy, and says the old British chap:
+
+"The next manuscript expresses the conservative sentiment of Britain's
+Isle, the measure being peculiar and the manner inquiring. Hattention!--
+
+                THE WAR.
+
+            BY SIDNEY DOBELL.
+
+I.
+
+    Oh, the war, the war,
+    _Oh_, the war, the war,
+    OH, the war--
+    With pools of gory, dripping grime,
+    And ghastly, beastly, horrible rime,
+    The soldier bloody, stiff and stark--
+    The cannon thunders, hark! hark!
+  Columbia, how's the war?
+
+II.
+
+    Oh, the blood, the blood,
+    _Oh_, the blood, the blood,
+    OH, the blood--
+    Curdling, welling, staining the ground,
+    Bubbling from wounds with sick'ning sound;
+    The life gone out in a wind of swords,--
+    Murderers leagued in hordes! hordes!
+  Columbia, how's the blood?
+
+III.
+
+    Oh, the roar, the roar,
+    _Oh_, the roar, the roar,
+    OH, the roar--
+    Thousands grappling, tearing to death,
+    Fever, madness and hell in a breath;
+    Rage, despair, oath and scream--
+    Rivers crimson stream! stream!
+  Columbia, how's the roar?
+
+IV.
+
+    Oh, the blaze, the blaze,
+    _Oh_, the blaze, the blaze.
+    OH, the blaze,
+    Homes in flames, lighting the storm,
+    Torches for death in a brother's form;
+    Ruin, ravage, ashes and smoke,--
+    Hopes and heart-strings broke! broke!
+  Columbia, how's the blaze?
+
+V.
+
+    Oh, the groan, the groan,
+    _Oh_, the groan, the groan,
+    OH, the groan--
+    Mothers sonless, homeless and old,
+    Sisters brotherless, lone and cold,
+    Children starving, wailing for bread,--
+    Fathers and brothers dead! dead!
+  Columbia, how's the groan?
+
+VI.
+
+    Oh, the woe, the woe,
+    _Oh_, the woe, the woe,
+    OH, the woe,
+    Cities famishing, villages still,
+    Blood in the valley and fire on the hill;
+    Horror, havoc, curses and tears,--
+    Dark desolation for years! years!
+  Columbia, how's the woe?
+
+VII.
+
+    Oh, the end, the end,
+    _Oh_, the end, the end,
+    OH, the end,
+    Griefs and graves at every hearth,
+    Heaven offended, outraged Earth:
+    Prayers for vengeance from ev'ry tomb--
+    Borne to the living a doom! doom!
+  Columbia, how's the end?
+
+Here Bonbon, the French chap, struck in, and says he: "Oh, the ass, the
+ass, _Oh_, the ass, the ass, OH, the ass----"
+
+"Silence, Napoleon!" says the British chap, "and r-r-remember Waterloo!
+The next metrical gem," says he, "illustrates the deeper profundity of
+British thought, and conveys a moral lesson of the deepest significance
+to babes and sucklings. Hem!"--
+
+              COLUMBIA'S AGONY.
+
+        BY MARTIN FARQUHAR TUP----R.
+
+  I hold it good--as who shall hold it bad?
+    To lave Columbia in the boiling tears
+  I shed for Freedom when my soul is sad,
+    And having shed proceed to shed again:
+  For _human sadness sad to all appears_,
+    And tears men sometimes shed are shed by men.
+
+  The normal nation lives until it dies,
+    As men may die when they have ceased to live;
+  But when abnormal, by a foe's surprise,
+    It may not reach its first-appointed goal;
+  For _what we have not is not ours to give_,
+    And if we miss it all we miss the whole.
+
+  Columbia, young, a giant baby born,
+    Aimed at a manhood ere the child had been,
+  And slipping downward in a strut forlorn,
+    Learns, to its sorrow, what 'tis good to know,
+  That _babes who walk too soon, too soon begin
+    To walk_ in this dark vale of life below.
+
+  When first the State of Charleston did secede,
+    And Morrill's tariff was declared repealed,
+  The soul of Freedom everywhere did bleed
+    For that which, having seen, it sadly saw;
+  So true it is, _death-wounds are never healed_,
+    And law defied is not unquestioned law.
+
+  The mother-poet, England, sadly viewed
+    The strife unnatural across the wave,
+  And with maternal tenderness renewed
+    Her sweet assurances of neutral love;
+  _A mother's love may not its offspring save;
+    But mother's love is still a mother's love._
+
+  Learn thou, Columbia, in thine agony,
+    That England loves thee, with a love as deep
+  As my "Proverbial Philosophy"
+    Has won for me from her approving breast;
+  _The love that never slumbers cannot sleep_,
+    And all for highest good is for the best.
+
+  Thy Freedom fattens on the work of slaves,
+    Her Grace of Sutherland informeth me;
+  And all thy South Amboy is full of graves,
+    Where tortured bondmen snatch a dread repose;
+  Learn, then, the _race enslaved is never free_,
+    And in thy woes incurred, behold thy woes.
+
+  Thy pride is humbled, humbled is thy pride,
+    And now misfortunes come upon thee, thick
+  With dark reproaches for the right defied,
+    And cloud thy banner in a dim eclipse;
+  _Sic transit gloria gloria transic sic_,
+    The mouth that speaketh useth its own lips.
+
+  Thus speeds the world, and thus our planet speeds;
+    What is, must be; and what can't be, is not;
+  Our acts unwise are not our wisest deeds,
+    And what we do is what ourselves have done;
+  _Mistakes remembered are not faults forgot_,
+    And we must wait for day to see the sun.
+
+I looked up at Smith-Brown, my boy, and says I:
+
+"What does he mean by the 'State of Charleston,' my fat friend?"
+
+"Why," says he, "that's a poetic license, or American geography diluted
+by the Atlantic. And here we have something by the gifted hauthor of
+'Locksley Hall,' which it is somewhat in that vein:
+
+                                AMERICA.
+
+                          BY ALFRED TEN----N.
+
+  Westward, westward flies the eagle, westward with the setting sun,
+  To an eyrie growing golden in a morning just begun;
+  Where the world is new in promise of a virgin nation's love.
+  And the grand results of ages germs of nobler ages prove;
+
+  Where a prophecy of greatness runs through all the soul of youth,
+  And the miracle of Freedom blesses in a living truth;
+  Where the centuries unnumbered narrow to a single night,
+  And their trophies are but planets wheeling round a central light.
+
+  Where the headlands breast the Ocean sweeping round creation's East,
+  And the prairies roll in blossoms to the Ocean of the West;
+  Where the voices of the seas are blended o'er a nation's birth,
+  In the harmony of Nature's hymn to Liberty on earth.
+
+  Land of Promise! Revelation of a loyalty that springs
+  From a grander depth of purple than the heritage of kings--
+  From the inner purple cherished at the thrones of lives sublime,
+  Cast in glorious consecration 'neath the plough of Father Time--
+
+  Home of Freedom, hope of millions born and slain and yet to be,
+  Shall the spirit of the bondless, caught from heaven, fail in thee?
+  Shall the watching world behold thee falling from thy starry height?
+  Like a meteor, in thine ending leaving only darker night?
+
+  Oh! my kinsmen, Oh! my brothers--fellow-heirs of Saxon hearts,
+  Lo the Eagle quits his eyrie swifter than a swallow darts,
+  And the lurid flame of battle burns within his angry eye,
+  Glowing like a living ember cast in vengeance from the sky.
+
+  At thy hearth a foe has risen, fiercer yet to burn and kill,
+  That he was thy chosen brother--friend no more, but brother still;
+  For the bitter tide of hatred deeper runs and fiercer grows,
+  As the pleading voice of Nature addeth self-reproach to blows.
+
+  Strike! and in the ghastly horrors of a fratricidal war,
+  Learn the folly of your wanderings from the guiding Northern Star;
+  What were all your gains and glories, to creation's fatal loss
+  When ye crucified your Freedom on the cruel Southern Cross?
+
+  Oh! my brothers narrow-sighted--Oh! my brothers slow to hear
+  What the phantoms of the fallen ever whisper in the ear;
+  God is just, and from the ruins of the temple rent in twain
+  Rises up the invocation of a warning breathed in vain.
+
+  All thy pillars reel around thee from the fury of the blow,
+  And the fires upon thine altars fade and flicker to and fro;
+  Call the vigor of thy manhood into arms from head to foot,
+  Strike! and in thy strife with error let the blow be at the root.
+
+  So thy war shall wear the glory of a purpose to refine
+  From the dross of early folly all the honor that is thine;
+  So thine arms shall gather friendship to the standard of a cause
+  Blending in its grand approval British hearts and British laws.
+
+  Form thy heroes into armies from the mart and from the field,
+  And their ranks shall stretch around thee in a bristling, living shield;
+  Take the loyal beggar's offer; for the war whose cause is just
+  Breathes the soul of noblest daring into forms of meanest dust.
+
+  Let thy daughters wreathe their chaplets for the foreheads of the brave,
+  Let thy daughters trace their lineage from the patriot's honored grave;
+  Woman's love is built the strongest when it rests on woman's pride,
+  Better be a soldier's widow than a meek civilian's bride.
+
+  Onward let thine Eagles lead thee, where the livid Southern sun
+  Courts the incense for the heavens of a righteous battle won;
+  And the bright Potomac, winding through the fields unto the sea
+  Shall no longer mark the libel--what is bond and what is free.
+
+  Rising from the fierce ordeal washed in blood and purified,
+  See the future stretch before thee, limitless on every side;
+  And in all the deep'ning envy of the nations wed to sloth,
+  Mark the record of thy progress, see the mirror of thy growth.
+
+  Rising from thy purifying, like a giant from his rest,
+  Thou shalt find thy praise an echo from the East unto the West;
+  Thou shalt find thy love a message from the South unto the North,
+  Each its past mistake of duty finding out and casting forth.
+
+  And thy States in new communion, by the blood they all have shed,
+  Shall be wedded to each other in the pardon of the dead;
+  Each, a scale of steel to cover vital part from foreign wrong,
+  All, a coat of armor guarding that to which they All belong.
+
+  Thou shalt measure seas with navies, span the earth with iron rails,
+  Catch the dawn upon thy banner and the sunset on thy sails;
+  Northern halls of ice shall echo to thy sailor's merry note,
+  And the standard of thy soldier on the Southern isle shall float.
+
+  Turning to thy mother, England, thou shalt find her making boast
+  Of the Great Republic westward, born of strength that she has lost;
+  And thy Saxon blood shall join ye, never to be torn apart,
+  Moving onward to the future, hand in hand and heart to heart.
+
+At the conclusion of this last reading, my boy, we separated. When we
+are "heart to heart" with England, my boy, the heart that is underneath
+may possibly have ceased to beat.
+
+                                Yours, to beat, or not to beat,
+                                                        ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                               LETTER LXI.
+
+  PORTRAYING A SOCIAL EFFECT OF THE POSTAGE-STAMP CURRENCY,
+      DESCRIBING THE GREAT WAR MEETING IN ACCOMAC, RECORDING THE
+      LATEST EXPLOIT OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE, AND INTRODUCING A
+      DRAFTING ITEM.
+
+
+                                    WASHINGTON, D. C., August 9th, 1862.
+
+If tired Nature's sweet restorer, balmy Sleep, should ever take it into
+her head to invade our distracted country, she would meet with less
+resistance in Washington than it is possible for the able-bodied mind
+to comprehend. Notwithstanding the fact that President Lincoln is an
+honest man, my boy, the genius of Slumber has opened a large wholesale
+establishment here, and the tendency to repose is so general that the
+authorities are just able to wink at secession sympathizers. It takes
+so long to get the news of the war from New York, that our citizens
+grow languid in the intervals. On Monday, indeed, an enterprising chap
+from Nantucket opened a Museum on the outskirts of the town, by way of
+varying the monotony, and quite a numerous crowd assembled to witness
+the performance. This Museum comprises a real two shilling piece,
+inclosed in a strong glass case, to preserve it from the violence of
+the mob, and even respectable old married men go to see it, for the
+sake of past associations. On the occasion of my visit to this unique
+establishment I arrived shortly before the exhibition began, and found
+a brilliant array of beauty and fashion for an audience. It was quite
+interesting, my boy, to hear the conversation going on. There was a
+fine young chap just in front of me who has recently been appointed to
+the staff of the Commander-in-Chief in consequence of his great
+experience in the coal business, and says he to another Lubin's
+Extracts chap:
+
+"Fwedwick, who is that wavishing creatchah ovah they-ar, with the
+Peach-Orchard eyes and Lehigh hair?"
+
+"Aw, dimmy," says Lubin's Extracts, "that's the great heiress. She's
+worth eighty thousand postage-stamps."
+
+"The wed kind?" says the young staff-chap, eagerly--"is it the sticky
+wed kind, Fwed?"
+
+"No," says Lubin's Extracts, scornfully; "it's the green ten cent kind."
+
+"Intwojoose me," says the staff-chap, excitedly--"intwojoose me, Fwed;
+I must know her--upon my soul I must."
+
+Upon his soul, my boy--he said upon his _soul_! When it is possible for
+an introduction to take place upon such a soul as that, my boy, it will
+be comparatively able to manoeuvre an elephant brigade on the extreme
+point of an infant needle.
+
+When the manager of the Museum came out to lecture upon his great
+natural curiosity, there was immediate silence; and when the case was
+uncovered, revealing the quarter to full view, several very old
+gentlemen fainted! Alas! they remembered the time when--but no matter
+now--no matter now.
+
+"Ladies and gentlemen," says the manager, pointing solemnly to his
+treasure, "the rare and beautiful coin which you now behold was well
+known to our forefathers, who stamped the figure of Liberty upon it, in
+order to show the world that this is the only country where man is at
+Liberty to deal in slaves by way of financial speculation. This rare
+coin disappeared as soon as the Liberty I speak of seemed to be
+endangered, nor will it reappear in this country again while there are
+so many brokers ahead."
+
+On quitting this admirable exhibition, my boy, I did not return to this
+city, but went immediately down to Accomac, to attend the great Union
+meeting. Accomac, my boy, has at length determined that this war shall
+be vigorously carried on, even if it takes several public speakers to
+say so; and the conduct of Accomac, in calling a meeting for such a
+purpose, reminds me of a chap in the Sixth Ward.
+
+He was a respectable family chap, who had formed a partnership with all
+his neighbors for the express purpose of taking entire and exclusive
+charge of their business for them, and evinced such a deep interest in
+the most private affairs of his friends, that absence did not conquer
+their love for him. One Sunday there was a city missionary at the
+church he attended, who implored the aid and prayers of the
+congregation in behalf of a poor but pious family, who were starving to
+death around the corner. "Hev any tracts been left with our suffering
+frens?" says the respectable chap, rising in his pew and pinching his
+benevolent chin thoughtfully. "Yes," says the missionary, sadly, "we
+sent them some tracts on the immortality of the soul; but, horrible to
+relate, they gained no flesh by them." The respectable chap, who was a
+baker by profession, was much moved by this revelation of human
+depravity, and says he to a bald-headed chap in the next pew: "Brother
+Jones, you must attend to this sad case in the morning. We must
+remember our fellow-beings in affliction, Brother Jones. Early to-morrow
+you must take some bread to this suffering family. If you have no bread
+of your own, Brother Jones," says the respectable chap, feelingly,
+"come to my shop and I--I will sell you some for this charitable
+purpose." But Brother Jones proved to be a grievous backslider, my boy,
+and said he had an engagement to go to Hoboken on the morning in
+question. "Very well," says the respectable chap, when he heard this,
+"then I will arrange it in another way. Tell our starving brothers and
+sisters to have faith," says he to the missionary, in a heartfelt
+manner, "and they shall be fed, even as the ravings fed my old friend
+Elijah." So, the next day he called a meeting of brethren to pray that
+food might be sent to the suffering ones, and they used up the entire
+English language in prayer to such an extent, that when the respectable
+chap topped off with a benediction, he had to introduce some Latin
+quotations. They had just finished this noble work of Christian
+benevolence, when the missionary came tearing in, and says he: "It's
+all over; they're all dead; the last child starved to death half an
+hour ago." The respectable chap stared at him aghast, and says he: "Did
+you tell them to have faith?" The missionary cracked a peanut, and says
+he: "Verily, I did; but they said they couldn't have faith on empty
+stomachs." The respectable chap pondered a while, and says he: "If they
+didn't have faith, my frens, the whole matter is explained. We, at
+least, have done our duty. We have prayed for them, frens--we have
+prayed for them." And the brethren went home to their dinners.
+
+Public mass meetings, my boy, to help a struggling country, are like
+prayer-meetings to aid the starving poor; the intention is good, but
+the practical benefit resulting therefrom is not visible to the naked
+eye.
+
+There was a large meeting at Accomac, several new liquor-shops having
+been opened there recently, and the speakers were as eloquent as it is
+possible for men to be when advising other men to do what they don't
+care to do themselves. A chap of large abdominal developments was
+specially fervid. Says he: "Let us show to them as is tyrants and
+reveling in the agonies of down-trodden Europe, that this Republic is
+able to put down all enemies whatsomever, without interfering with any
+of the inalienable rights of those who, though our enemies, are still
+our long-lost brothers. (Frantic applause.) Shall it be said that
+twenty-two millions of people cannot put down eight millions without
+injuring those eight millions? (Shrieks of approbation, and cries of
+"That's so!") No! a thousand times no! We fight, not to injure the
+South; not to interfere with them, which is our own flesh and blood,
+but to sustain the Constitution rendered sacred by Revolutionary gore!
+(Overwhelming enthusiasm.) The creatures which is trying to break up
+this here beneficent Government, ask us what we are fighting for, then?
+Gracious hevings! what a question is this! Do they not know what we are
+fighting for--that in this unhappy struggle we--that our purpose, I
+would say, in prosecuting hostilities is to--is to--DO IT? Of course it
+is."
+
+This speech, short, terse, and to the purpose, was gloriously received
+by everybody, except a friendless chap, who said he didn't understand
+the last clause; and he was immediately sent to jail for daring to be
+so traitorously obtuse.
+
+Though the General of the Mackerel Brigade was seated upon the highest
+barrel on the platform, my boy, and blew his nose louder than any one
+else, he did not wish to be seen, nor did he intend that the assemblage
+should call upon him for the speech sticking out of his side-pocket;
+but when the throng accidentally found him to be the most prominent
+figure in sight, they thoughtlessly called upon him to say something.
+The General laid aside his fan with some embarrassment, and says he:
+
+"My children, I love you. My children," says the General, motioning to
+his aid to fill the tumbler again, "I daresay you expect me to say
+something, and though I am unprepared to speak, there is one thing I
+will say. If anything goes wrong in this war, nobody is to blame, as I
+alone am responsible. Bless you, my children."
+
+As the idol of the populace finished these touching remarks, and
+resumed his tumbler and fan, there was but one sentiment in the whole
+of that vast assemblage, and a democratic chap immediately went and
+telegraphed to Syracuse that the prospect for a Democratic President in
+1865, was beautiful.
+
+The meeting might have lasted another week, my boy, thereby rendering
+the Union cause utterly invincible, but for the imprudence of an insane
+chap who proposed that some of the young men present should enlist.
+This malapropos and singularly inconsistent suggestion broke up the
+assemblage at once, in great disorder--volunteering being just the last
+thing that any one thought of doing. Greatly edified and encouraged by
+what I had heard, my boy, I made all haste for Paris, where I found the
+Mackerel Brigade and Commodore Head's fleet in great excitement over
+the case of an Irish gentleman who believed this to be a white man's
+war, and had started for Paris, just fourteen minutes after landing in
+this country, for the express purpose of protesting against any labor
+being performed by negroes, while there were white men to do it.
+Colonel Wobert Wobinson, of the Anatomical Cavalry, quieted him by
+saying that, although a number of negroes were then engaged in digging
+trenches, a new line of holes in a far more unhealthy place would be
+commenced in the morning, and that none but Irishmen should be
+permitted to dig them.
+
+On the night previous to my arrival, my boy, while all the Mackerels
+were watching the stars with a view to prevent any surprise from that
+quarter, the Southern Confederacy on the other side of Duck Lake
+trained four large fowling-pieces upon their peaceful camp from behind
+a wood-pile, and commenced a ferocious and ear-splitting bombardment.
+It was some hours before our men could be got into position to return
+the fire, as Captain Bob Shorty had forgotten where they had put the
+Orange County Howitzers when last using them. The fleet, too, was
+somewhat delayed in getting into action, as Commodore Head experienced
+some difficulty in unlocking the box into which he always puts his
+spectacles and slow-match before retiring at night.
+
+Finally, however, the howitzers were discovered behind some boards, and
+the spectacles and slow-match were forthcoming, and our troops were
+pouring a hot fire across Duck Lake before the Confederacy had got
+two-thirds of the way back to Richmond. Next morning, my boy, the Conic
+Section crossed the Lake, and cleared away everything on the opposite
+shore except the before-mentioned wood-pile. The latter contains the
+same kind of wood that was burned in the time of Washington, my boy,
+and twenty men were appointed to guard it from the profanation of our
+troops. We must protect such property at all hazards, my boy, or the
+Constitution becomes a nullity.
+
+Having crossed the treacherous element to view the immediate scene of
+these proceedings, and learned from Captain Villiam Brown that our
+pickets were within ten miles of the Confederacy's capital, I was about
+to make some short remark, when a messenger came riding forward in a
+great perspiration, and says he;
+
+"Our pickets have been driven in."
+
+"Ha!" says Villiam, "is the Confederacy again advancing upon the United
+States of America?"
+
+"Our pickets," says the messenger, impressively "have been driven in;
+they have been driven into Richmond."
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, pleasantly, "then send out some more pickets."
+
+I strolled away from the pair, my boy, reflecting upon the possibility
+of enough Mackerel pickets reaching Richmond in this way to make the
+Union sentiment there stronger than ever, and was looking listlessly to
+my footing, when I chanced to espy a paper on the ground. Picking it
+up, I found it to be a note from the wife of the Southern Confederacy
+to her cousin, dropped, probably by one of the Confederacies of the
+wood-pile. It bore the date of April the First, and read as follows:
+
+"DEAR JULEYER:--I have just space of time to write you these few lines,
+hoping that these few lines will find you the same, and in the
+enjoyment of the same blessing. O my unhappy country! how art thou
+suffering at this present writing! I have not had a single new bonnet
+for two weeks, my beloved Juleyer, and my Solferino gloves are already
+discolored by the perspiration I have shed when thinking of my poor,
+dear South. My husband, the distinguished Southern Confederacy, is so
+reduced by trials, that he is a mere skeleton skirt. Oh, my Juleyer,
+how long is this to continue? Ere another century shall have passed
+away, the Yankees will have approached nearer Charleston and Savannah,
+and the blockade become almost effective. Since the Mackerel Brigade
+has changed its base of operations, even Richmond seems doomed to fall
+in less than fifty years. Everything looks dark. Tell me the price of
+dotted muslin, for undersleeves, when you write again, and believe me,
+
+                                           Your respected cousin,
+                                                            "MRS. S. C."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There's only one thing about this letter bothers me, and that's the
+date, my boy--the date.
+
+When very near this city, on my return home, I met a chap, weighing
+about two hundred and twenty-five pounds, who was on his way to a
+lawyer's to get his exemption from the draft duly filed.
+
+"See here, my patriotic invalid," says I, skeptically, "how do you come
+to be exempt?"
+
+"I am exempt," says he, in a proudly melancholy manner, "because I am
+suffering from a broken heart."
+
+"Hem," says I.
+
+"It's true," says he, sniffling dismally. "I asked the female of my
+heart to have me. She said I hadn't enough postage-stamps to suit her
+ideas of personal revenue, and she didn't care to do my washing. That
+was enough: my heart is broken, and I am not an able-bodied man."
+
+Drafting, my boy, is of a nature to develop the seeds of disease in the
+hitherto healthy human system--seeds which, if suffered to fructify,
+will be likely to ultimate in what gentlemen of burglarious
+accomplishments would chastely and botanically denominate a very
+large-sized "plant."
+
+                                             Yours, seriously,
+                                                        ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LXII.
+
+  CONTAINING FRESH TRIBUTES OF ADMIRATION TO THE DEVOTED WOMEN OF
+      AMERICA, AND DEVELOPING THE GREAT COLONIZATION SCHEME OF THE
+      GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE BLACK
+      RACE.
+
+
+                                   WASHINGTON, D. C., August 15th, 1862.
+
+Once more, my boy, this affectionate heart would render tribute of
+gushing admiration to the large souled women of America, who are again
+commencing to luxuriate and comfort our majestic troops with gifts
+almost as useful to a soldier as a fishing-pole would be to the
+hilarious Arab of Sahara. As I ambled airily near Fort Corcoran on
+Monday, my boy, mounted on my gothic steed Pegasus, and followed by the
+frescoed dog Bologna, after the manner of the British nobility, I
+chanced upon a veteran of the Mackerel Brigade, who had come up from
+Paris on one of those leaves of absence which grow from the tree styled
+Sycamore. He was seated under a wayside oak, examining some articles
+that had recently come to him in a package; now and then addressing his
+eyes in the more earnest language of the Sixth Ward.
+
+Having reined-in my spirited architectural animal, and merely pausing
+to administer a crumb of cracker from my pocket to a hapless
+blue-bottle fly which had rashly alighted from the backbone of the
+charger, and was there starving to death, I saluted the Mackerel
+veteran, and, says I:
+
+"Comrade, wherefore do you select this solitary place to use language
+only fitting a brigadier when he is speaking to an inferior officer, or
+a high-toned conservative when referring to negroes, Wendell Phillips,
+and the republican party?"
+
+The veteran Mackerel sighed deeply, as he spread open the package to
+full view, my boy, and says he, respectfully:
+
+"Are you a married man, my cove?"
+
+"No," says I, with a feeling of mingled insignificance and financial
+complacency, "I never paid a milliner's bill in my life."
+
+"Neither did I," said the veteran, with a gleam of satisfaction,
+"neither did I; I always has them charged to me; but still I am the
+wedded pardner of one which is a woman. I have loved her," says the
+veteran passionately, "I have loved her better than I loved number
+Three's masheen, with which I was brought up, and that seemed to me
+like my own brother. I have stayed home from a fire more than once to
+go to church with her; and the last words I said to her when I come
+here was: 'Old woman! if Six's foreman comes here after that wrench,
+while I'm away, tell him I'll break that nose of his when I come back!'
+We was all confidence together," says the veteran, smiting his chest,
+madly; "and I never threw a brick that I didn't tell her of it, and now
+she's gone and sent me a copy of the Temperance Pledge, a pair of
+skates, two bottles of toothache drops, and six sheets of patent
+fly-paper. I really believe," says the veteran, bitterly--"I really
+believe that she thinks I ain't got nothing to do here but to keep
+house and take care of an aged grandmother."
+
+At the conclusion of this unnatural speech, my boy, I hastily trotted
+away upon my architectural steed; for I had not patience enough to talk
+longer with one whose whole nature seemed so utterly incapable of
+appreciating those beautiful little attentions which woman's tender
+heart induces her to bestow upon the beloved object. Since the last
+time I was sick, my boy, I have entertained a positive veneration for
+the wonderful foresight of that blessed sex, whose eyes remind me of
+pearl buttons. At that period, when the doctors had given me up, and
+nothing but their absence seemed capable of saving my life, one of the
+prevalent women of America heard of my critical condition, and, by her
+deep knowledge of human nature, was enabled to rescue me. She sent me a
+bottle of stuff, my boy, saying, in a note of venerable tone, that it
+had cured her of chapped hands several times, and she hoped it might
+break my fever. With a thankful, confident heart, I threw the bottle
+out of the window, my boy, and got well in less than three months.
+
+The other day, I went down to Accomac again, to see the General of the
+Mackerel Brigade, who had invited me to be present while he made an
+offer of bliss to a delegation from that oppressed race which has been
+the sole cause of this unnatural war, and is, therefore, exempted from
+all concern in it.
+
+The General, my boy, was seated in his temporary room of audience when
+I arrived, examining a map of the Border States through a powerful
+magnifying-glass, and occasionally looking into a tumbler, as though he
+expected to find something there.
+
+"Well, old Honesty," says I, affably, "what is our next scheme for the
+benefit of the human race?"
+
+He smiled paternally upon me, and says he:
+
+"It is my purpose to settle the Negro Question in accordance with the
+principles laid down in the Book of Exodus. Thunder!" says the General,
+with magisterial emphasis, "if we do not secure the pursuit of
+happiness to the slave, even, we violate the Constitution and become
+obnoxious to the Border communities."
+
+I was reflecting upon this remark, my boy, and wondering what the
+Constitution had to do with the Book of Exodus, when the delegation
+made its appearance, and caused the room to darken perceptibly. Not to
+lose time, the General waved his hand for the visitors to be seated,
+and, says he:
+
+"You and we are different races, and for this reason it must be evident
+to you, as well as to myself, that it is better you should be
+voluntarily compelled to colonize some distant but salubrious shore.
+There is a wide difference between our races; much wider, perhaps, than
+that which exists between any other two races. Your race suffers very
+greatly, and our race suffers in suffering your race to suffer. In a
+word, we both suffer, which establishes a reason why our race should
+not suffer your race to remain here any longer. You who are here are
+all present, I suppose."
+
+A voice--"Yes, sah."
+
+"Perhaps you have not been here all your lives. Your race is suffering
+the greatest wrong that ever was; but when you cease to suffer, your
+sufferings are still far from an equality with our sufferings. Our
+white men are now changing their base of operations daily, and often
+taking Malvern Hills. This is on your account. You are the cause of it.
+How you have caused it I will not attempt to explain, for I do not
+know; but it is better for us both to be separated, and it is vilely
+selfish in you (I do not speak unkindly) to wish to remain here in
+preference to going to Nova Zembla. The fact that we have always
+oppressed you renders you still more blameable, especially when we
+reflect upon the fact that you have never shown resistance. A trip on
+your part to Nova Zembla will benefit both races. I cannot promise you
+much bliss right away. You may starve at first, or die on the passage;
+but in the Revolutionary War General Washington lived exclusively on
+the future. He was benefitting his race; and though I do not see much
+similarity between his case and yours, you had better go to Nova
+Zembla. You may think that you could live in Washington, perhaps more
+so than you could on a foreign shore. This is a mistake. None but white
+army contractors and brigadiers on furlough can live here.
+
+"The festive isle of Nova Zembla has been in existence for some time,
+and is larger than any smaller place I know of. Many of the original
+settlers have died, and their offspring would still be living had they
+lived long enough to become accustomed to the climate. You may object
+to go on account of your affection for our race, but it does not strike
+me that there is any cogent reasons for such affection. So you had
+better go to Nova Zembla. The particular place I have in view for your
+colonization is the great highway between the North Pole and Sir John
+Franklin's supposed grave. It is a popular route of travel, being much
+frequented by the facetious penguin and the flowing seal. It has great
+resources for ice-water, and you will be able to have ice cream every
+day, provided you supply yourselves with the essence of lemon and
+patent freezers. As to other food, I can promise you nothing. There are
+fine harbors on all sides of this place, and though you may see no
+ships there, it will be still some satisfaction to know that you have
+such admirable harbors. Again, there is evidence of very rich
+bear-hunting. When you take your wives and families to a place where
+there is no food, nor any ground to be cultivated, nor any place to
+live in, then the human mind would as naturally turn to bear-hunting as
+to anything else. But if you should die of starvation at the outset,
+even bear-hunting may dwindle into insignificance. Why I attach so much
+importance to bear-hunting is, it will afford you an opportunity to die
+more easily than by famine and exposure. Bear-hunting is the best thing
+I know of under such circumstances.
+
+"You are intelligent, and know that human life depends as much upon
+those who possess it as upon anybody else. And much will depend upon
+yourselves if you go to Nova Zembla. As to the bear-hunting, I think I
+see the means available for engaging you in that very soon without
+injury to ourselves. I wish to spend a little money to get you there,
+and may possibly lose it all; but we cannot expect to succeed in
+anything if we are not successful in it.
+
+"The political affairs of Nova Zembla are not in quite such a condition
+as I could wish, the bears having occasional fights there, over the
+body of the last Esquimaux governor; but these bears are more generous
+than we are. They have no objection to dining upon the colored race.
+
+"Besides, I would endeavor to have you made equals, and have the best
+assurance that you should be equals of the best. The practical thing I
+want to ascertain is, whether I can get a certain number of able-bodied
+men to send to a place offering such encouragement and attractions.
+Could I get a hundred tolerably intelligent men, with their wives and
+children, to partake of all this bliss? Can I have fifty? If I had
+twenty-five able-bodied men, properly seasoned with women and children,
+I could make a commencement.
+
+"These are subjects of very great importance, and worthy of a month's
+study of the paternal offer I have made you. If you have no
+consideration for yourselves, at least consider the bears, and endeavor
+to reconcile yourselves to the beautiful and pleasing little hymn of
+childhood, commencing:
+
+  "I would not live always;
+  I ask not to stay."
+
+At the termination of this flattering and paternal address, my boy, the
+delegation took their hats and commenced to leave in very deep silence;
+thereby proving that persons of African descent are utterly insensible
+of kindness and much inferior to the race at present practising
+strategy on this continent.
+
+Colonization, my boy, involves a scheme of human happiness so entirely
+beyond the human power of conception, that the conception of it will
+almost pass for something inhuman.
+
+                                         Yours, utopianically,
+                                                       ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LXIII.
+
+  GIVING A FAMILIAR ZOOLOGICAL ILLUSTRATION OF THE "SITUATION," AND
+      CELEBRATING THE BRILLIANT STRATEGICAL EVECUATION OF PARIS BY
+      THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
+
+
+                                     WASHINGTON, D. C., August 22, 1862.
+
+On Monday morn, my boy, whilst I was pulling on a pair of new boots that
+have some music in their soles, there arose near my room door a sound as
+of one in dire agony, closely followed by a variously-undulated moan, as
+of some deserted woman in distress. Hastily discontinuing my toilet, and
+darting to the threshold, I beheld one of those scenes of civil war
+which impress the sensitive soul with horror and meet the just
+reprobation of feeling Albion.
+
+Rampant between two marrow-bones, my boy, was my frescoed dog, Bologna,
+eyeing, with horrid fury, Sergeant O'Pake's canine friend, known as
+Jacob Barker, and ever and anon uttering sentences of supernatural
+wrath. To these the excited Barker responded in deep bass of great
+compass, his nose curling with undisguised disdain, and his eyes
+assimilating to that insidious and fiery squint which betokens
+inexpressible malignity. There was something not of earth, my boy, in
+the frescoed Bologna's distortion of countenance as he attempted to
+keep an eye on each bone, and at the same time look full in the face of
+his foe; and there was that in the sounds of his strain which betokened
+Sirius indecision.
+
+As I gazed upon these two infuriated wonders of natural history, my
+boy, and recognized the fact that the existence of two bones in
+contention prevented an actual battle, because neither combatant was
+willing to lose sight of either of them; whilst the presence of but one
+bone would have simplified the matter, and precipitated a decisive
+conflict, I could not but think that I saw symbolized before me the
+situation of our distracted country.
+
+The United States of America, my boy, and the well-known Southern
+Confederacy, are like two irascible terriers practising defiant
+strategy between two bones, the one being the festive negro-question,
+and the other the Union. Now it seems to me, my boy--it seems to me,
+that if the gay animal with U. S. on his collar would only dispose of
+the bone nearest him without further vocalism, there would be a better
+chance for him to secure the other bone in the combat sure to come.
+
+Dogs, my boy, and men, are very much alike, in their hostile meetings,
+neither seeming to know just exactly which is truly their _magnum
+bonum_.
+
+Ascending the roof of my architectural steed, Pegasus, on Tuesday, I
+induced the gothic animal to adopt a pace sometimes affected by the
+fleet tortoise, and went down to Accomac in pursuit of knowledge
+respecting recruiting. Just before reaching that Arcadian locality, my
+boy, I met Colonel Wobert Wobinson, of the Western Cavalry, who had
+been down there to induce volunteering and infuse fresh confidence into
+the masses. He offered a bounty of two hundred dollars; three dollars
+to be paid immediately, and the rest as soon as the war commences in
+earnest; and promised to each man a horse physically incapacitated from
+running away from anything.
+
+"Well, my bold dragoon," says I, cordially, noticing that Pegasus had
+already fallen into a peaceful doze, "how go enlistments?"
+
+The colonel waved away an abstracted crow that was hovering in deep
+reverie over my charger's brow, and says he: "I have enlisted all the
+people of Accomac."
+
+"I want to know," says I, Bostonianly.
+
+"Yes," says he, "I called a meeting, and succeeded in enlisting
+all--their sympathies."
+
+As I gazed upon the equestrian warrior, my boy, methought I saw the
+youngest offspring of a wink trembling in a corner of his right eye,
+and I felt that the world renowned Snyder was at that moment laboring
+under a heavy incubus. Such is life.
+
+The state of health in Accomac indicates that the demon of disease is
+abroad in the land, looking chiefly for his victims among those between
+the tender ages of eighteen and forty-five. Instead of having a sling
+in his hand, like the young warrior David, each young man I met had his
+hand in a sling, whilst the dexter leg of more than one able-bodied
+patriot suggested the juvenile prayer of "Now I lame me, down to slip."
+And there were the women of America fairly crying in terror of the
+draft, instead of bearing themselves like the Spartan ribs of old.
+
+Alas! my boy, why cannot our people realize, that a nation, like a
+cooking-stove, cannot keep up a steady fire without a good draft. We
+need men for the crisis, and we only find cry sisses for the men.
+
+I could not stay here, so I hastened on to Paris, where a great
+strategic movement was about to supply all the world with fresh
+recollections of the late Napoleon. I say _late_ Napoleon, my boy,
+because our Napoleon is apt to be behind time.
+
+As far back as I can remember, I have been fully aware that this
+movement was about to take place, but would not, like too many other
+correspondents, betray the confidence reposed in me. This bosom, my
+boy, this manly and truthful bosom, is about the right shop for
+confidence. Nor is it like the bosoms of those who can truthfully say
+that they never _give_ important information to the enemy, though every
+body knows that they sell it.
+
+On arriving in Paris, I saw at once that preparations for outgeneraling
+the deceived Confederacy had already commenced; for the down-trodden
+General of the Mackerel Brigade had assembled the reliable contrabands
+whom he had used for some weeks past, and was taking leave of them in a
+heart-felt manner.
+
+Mounted on a small keg, from the bung hole of which came the aroma of
+pleasant rye fields, the General softly wiped his lips, and says he:
+
+"Being members of a race which we regard as a speshees of monkeys, my
+black children, the fact that this is a white man's war will prevent
+your taking part in the entirely different race about to come off.
+After the manner of Andrew Jackson at New Orleans, I have called upon
+you to do something for your adopted country; but as my friend Andrew
+was particular to make his proclamation read '_free_ negroes,' there
+can be no parallel between the two cases further. Therefore, return to
+your masters, my children, and tell them that the United States of
+America wars not against them rights of which you are a part. Go! And
+remember, that as Gradual Emancipation is about to come off, you will
+soon know the juicy richness of being free to visit all parts of the
+world, except those not included in the pleasing map of Nova Zembla."
+
+The contrabands departed, my boy, in blissful procession, and many of
+them are undoubtedly happy enough now. Happier, my boy, than they could
+hope to be if suffered to remain in this conservative and
+constitutional world.
+
+While the Mackerels were coming out of their holes, and polishing their
+shovels for the march, I observed that the general walked thoughtfully
+to his tent, in deep silence. I found Captain Villiam Brown expelling
+two reporters from the lines, lest they should prematurely divulge the
+movement then going on to the Confederacy seated on an adjacent fence,
+and says I to him:
+
+"Tell me, my fiery warrior, wherefore is it that the chieftain seeks
+his solitary tent?"
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, reverently, "it is to pray for the cause of liberty
+and the rights of man, after the manner of George Washington, Mount
+Vernon, Virginia. Come with me, my cherub," says Villiam piously, "and
+you shall see martial greatness in a touching aspeck."
+
+We went softly to the tent together, my boy, and there beheld the
+beloved general of the Mackerel Brigade, with his face devoutly
+upturned. His face was devoutly upturned, my boy; but we could see
+something intervening between his countenance and the sky, and
+discovered, upon closer inspection, that it was a tumbler. Can it be,
+my boy, that this good man thought that Heaven, like any distant
+earthly object, could be brought nearer by looking toward it through a
+glass? Here is food for thought, my boy--here is food for thought.
+
+And now, Commodore Head having fished his iron-clad fleet from the
+tempestuous bosom of Duck Lake, and everything being in readiness--the
+march of the Mackerel Brigade commenced, with a silence so intense that
+we could distinctly hear all that anybody said.
+
+First, came a delegation of political chaps from the Sixth Ward,
+conversing with each other on the state of the country, and considering
+eight hundred and forty excellent plans for saving the Union, and
+getting up a straight-out ticket.
+
+Then appeared the well-known promenade band of the Mackerel Brigade,
+executing divers pleasant _morceaux_ on his night-key bugle, an
+occasional stumble over a stone giving the airs a happy variety of
+sudden _obligati_ improvements.
+
+Next appeared the idolized General of the Mackerel Brigade, modestly
+refusing to receive all the credit for the skillful movement, and
+assuring his staff that he really would not prefer to be President of
+the United States in 1865.
+
+Followed by Commodore Head, with his squadron on his shoulders,
+swearing as usual in his iron-plated manner, and vowing to capture
+Vicksburg before he was twenty years older.
+
+Then advanced Captain Villiam Brown, Eskevire, Captain Bob Shorty, and
+Captain Samyule Sa-mith, each indignantly rejecting the idea that this
+movement was a retreat, and expressing the hope that Wendell Phillips
+would be immediately hung for it.
+
+Then came a train of wagons containing all the provisions that could
+not be thrown away.
+
+Succeeded by the Mackerel Brigade with shovels at a shoulder-arms, and
+noses suggestive of strawberry patches in the balmy month of June.
+
+And was this _all_ the procession? you will ask; did nothing come after
+the Brigade itself?
+
+I am not a positive man, my boy, and care not to assert a thing unless
+I positively know it to be true. It was growing dark when we reached
+our destination, and I could not see distinctly toward the rear: yet I
+think I _did_ see something coming after the Mackerel Brigade.
+
+What was it?
+
+It was the Southern Confederacy, my boy--the Southern Confederacy.
+
+                                            Your, excitedly,
+                                                       ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LXIV.
+
+  SHOWING HOW THE COSMOPOLITANS MET AGAIN, TO BE INTRODUCED TO THE
+      "NEUTRAL BRITISH GENTLEMAN," AND HEAR MR. BONBON'S FRENCH
+      STORY.
+
+
+                                   WASHINGTON, D. C., August 25th, 1862
+
+Ever since the British chap read all that unpublished British poetry at
+the Club, my boy, I have been anxious to favor him with an "Idyl,"
+written by a friend of mine who has traveled much in Albion, and writes
+_ex-cathedra_. Last night there was a fair chance, and I then introduced
+
+            THE NEUTRAL BRITISH GENTLEMAN.
+
+  Incrusted in his island home that lies beyond the sea,
+  Behold the great original and genuine 'TIS HE;
+  A paunchy, fuming Son of Beef, with double weight of chin,
+  And eyes that were benevolent--but for their singular tendency
+      to turn green whenever it is remarked that his
+      irrepressible American cousins have made another
+      Treaty with China ahead of him--and taken Albion in.
+  This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time.
+
+  With William, Duke of Normandy, his ancestors, he boasts,
+  Came over from the shores of France to whip the Saxon hosts;
+  And this he makes a source of pride; but wherefore there should be
+  Such credit to an Englishman--in the fact that he is descended
+      from a nation which England is forever pretending
+      to regard as slightly her inferior in everything,
+      and particularly behind her in military and naval
+      affairs--we really cannot see.
+  This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time.
+
+  He deals in Christianity, Episcopalian brand,
+  And sends his missionaries forth to bully heathen land;
+  Just mention "Slavery" to him, and with a pious sigh
+  He'll say it's 'orrid, scandalous--although he's ready to fight
+      for the Cotton raised by slaves, and forgets how he
+      butchered the Chinese to make them take Opium,
+      and blew the Sepoys from the guns because the
+      poor devils refused to be enslaved by the East India
+      Company--or his phi-lan-thro-py.
+  This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time.
+
+  He yields to Brother Jonathan a love that passeth show--
+  "We're Hanglo-Saxons, both of us, and carn't be foes, you know."
+  But as a Christian Englishman, he cannot, cannot hide
+  His horror of the spectacle--of four millions of black beings
+      being held in bondage by a nation professing the
+      largest liberty in the world, though in case of an
+      anti-slavery crusade the interests of his Manchester
+      factors would imperatively forbid him to--take
+      part on either side.
+  This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time.
+
+  Now seeing the said Jonathan by base rebellion stirred,
+  And battling with pro-slavery, it might be thence inferred
+  That British sympathy, at last, would spur him on to strife;
+  But, strange to say, this sympathy--is labelled "NEUTRALITY,"
+      and consigned to any rebel port not too closely blockaded
+      to permit English vessels, loaded with munitions, to
+      slip in. And when you ask Mr. Bull what he means
+      by this inconsistent conduct, he becomes virtuously
+      indignant, rolls up his eyes, and says: "I carn't
+      endure to see brothers murdering each other and
+      keeping me out of my cotton--I carn't, upon my life!"
+  This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time.
+
+  Supposing Mr. Bull should die, the question might arise:
+  Will he be wanted down below, or wafted to the skies?
+  Allowing that he had his choice, it really seems to me
+  The moral British Gentleman--would choose a front seat with
+      his Infernal Majesty; since Milton, in his blank
+      verse correspondence with old _Times_, more than
+      once hinted the possibility of Nick's rebellion
+      against Heaven succeeding; and as the Lower Secessia
+      has cottoned to England through numerous
+      Hanoverian reigns, such a choice on the part of the
+      philanthropical Britisher would be simply another
+      specimen--of his NEUTRAL-I-TY!
+  This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time.
+
+When Smith-Brown had heard that, my boy, he sniffed grievously, and
+says he: "England never _was_ happreciated in this blarsted country."
+
+I believe him, my boy.
+
+It being Bonbon's turn to read a story, he unrolled his papers and gave
+us
+
+
+                            THE CONFESSION.
+
+"During my short stay in France, I belonged to a convent of Carthusian
+monks, and there became acquainted with the man whose confession
+constitutes my story. He had applied for admission to our order, as one
+who had tired of life's gaieties, and bestowed his wealth, which was
+enormous, upon the holy church. Brother Dominique was the name he
+assumed; and his austere devotion speedily gained him notoriety for
+great piety; but there was something so unnatural in his actions, and,
+at times, so incoherent in his speech, that we, who were his daily
+companions, involuntarily shuddered when he spoke to us. Among the
+various incongruities of his character, was a gloomy reserve--or,
+rather, pride, which repulsed all advances of friendship, and impressed
+upon the mind a conviction that Brother Dominique's religion was more
+like that of a hypocrite foiled in his schemes, than of a pure-minded
+man, whose sense of duty to his Creator had induced him to assume the
+serge and rosary. This conviction was more than confirmed by his
+occasional exclamations of anger and defiance, as though once more a
+prey to the passions of an outer world; and, at the expiration of a
+year from the time of his entrance, the new brother was an object of
+suspicion, if not dislike, to the whole convent, excepting myself.
+
+"My sentiments in regard to him were those of pity; for I felt
+confident that some great sorrow was preying upon his mind; and the
+wild agony which would often contort his whole countenance, while at
+evening prayers, made me anxious to know something of his history.
+
+"One evening, having received an order to visit the cell of Dominique
+from our superior, I was surprised to find a curiously-fashioned lamp,
+burning in a niche, directly opposite an iron cot, on which the monk
+was sleeping. Knowing that the convent rules expressly forbade a light
+at that hour, I was about to extinguish it, when there fell upon my
+startled ear a loud yell, like that of a springing tiger, and, in an
+instant, I was seized by the throat. Filled with dismay, I struggled to
+extricate myself, when the beams of the lamp fell upon the writhing
+features of Dominique, pallid as those of a corpse, and spattered with
+froth from his lips.
+
+"'Devil, I defy thee!' he exclaimed, dashing me violently against the
+wall; and then quitting his hold.
+
+"'Brother Dominique, are you mad?' I asked, as soon as I could recover
+my breath.
+
+"'It is a lie! I am not mad!' he ejaculated, glaring fiercely upon me,
+and biting his lip until the blood streamed from his beard.
+
+"Hardly knowing what I did, I again approached the lamp; when he again
+sprang to my side, and pushed me violently from before it.
+
+"'Must I kill you, too?' he said, in a whisper that pierced me.
+
+"'You are excited,' I replied, with all the calmness I could muster. 'I
+thought you were asleep, or I should first have spoken to you about
+your lamp, the burning of which, at this late hour, is a violation of
+the rules.'
+
+"He covered his face with his hands while I was speaking; and when he
+again looked up, all traces of former agitation had vanished.
+
+"'Forgive me, father,' he said, with composure. 'Our superior has
+granted me the privilege of having a light always burning, as I am
+subject to fits, such as you have just witnessed, and cannot do without
+it. God have mercy upon me! I might have murdered you,' he added,
+turning suddenly pale again, and leaning against the damp wall.
+
+"I delivered my message, being anxious to leave a being whose passions
+were so violent when aroused; but he called me back as I turned away,
+and resting upon his hard bed, motioned for me to take a seat beside
+him.
+
+"I hesitated about complying at first; but there was an expression of
+mingled sorrow and entreaty resting upon his whole countenance, that
+awoke my sympathy and conquered fear. Closing the door of the cell, I
+obeyed him in silence, and sat down with a feeling of awe not to be
+defined.
+
+"'Father,' he said, laying one hand on each of my shoulders, and
+staring fixedly in my face, 'Will you hear me confess?'
+
+"The extreme abruptness of the question made me start from him with a
+gesture of surprise, but I answered not.
+
+"'Will you hear a tale of crime from a criminal?' he continued,
+pressing heavily upon me, 'a tale of murder from a murderer!'
+
+"I felt convinced that I had a maniac to deal with, and remembering to
+have heard that any sign of timidity but added fuel to the fires of
+insanity, I steadily returned his stare, and responded as quietly as I
+could.
+
+"'Brother Dominique, if your soul is burthened with crimes, why not
+confess to the superior who is our father confessor?'
+
+"'No, no!' he exclaimed, frantically. 'To you, or no one.'
+
+"Fearful that, by refusing, I should again arouse him to violence, I
+drew my cowl closely over my head to guard against the damp air, and
+bade him tell me his sorrows.
+
+"He, at once, fell upon his knees before me--nor could I persuade him
+to assume any other attitude.
+
+"'Here on my knees,' he began, 'will I tell a tale that shall freeze
+your blood, and make you turn from me in scorn, or hatred. You will not
+betray me?'
+
+"I assured him I would not.
+
+"'I am the last of a noble Florentine house, which bears the names of
+sovereigns upon its registers. My father was a cold, stern man, proud
+of his high descent, and arrogant with those beneath him. My mother was
+the daughter of a Venetian noble, bright and beautiful as a diamond,
+and insensible to all the softer warmths of women as is that precious
+gem. I was their only child, and all the love their hearts were capable
+of feeling was bestowed upon me; all my desires were gratified ere
+expressed; obsequious menials stood about my path eager to obey my
+slightest nod; velvet received my infant footsteps, and the atmosphere
+around me was one of mellow music.
+
+"'I grew up to manhood a pampered child of fortune, happy only in the
+midnight orgie or early morning revel, and the most polished profligate
+of my native city; yet my father regarded me with feelings of pride,
+and my mother looked upon her son as one well worthy to inherit the
+flaunting fortunes of his house. Although my father was ever kind to me
+he was subject to occasional fits of violence, when he would beat the
+servants, and render it necessary for his friends to confine him. It
+was said that he had seized a gipsey woman who had been caught in the
+act of stealing, causing her to be burned alive, and that while the
+flames were torturing the poor wretch, she had denounced her
+executioner with the bitterest execrations, and declared that he and
+his offspring should feel the curse of madness. The prophecy so worked
+upon my father's mind as to occasion periodical attacks of insanity, at
+which seasons he would rave fearfully, and, as I said before, render
+temporary confinement necessary. I cannot say that the knowledge of
+this fact had any effect upon me then, for I was gay and thoughtless;
+but, alas! it has since proved my bane, and poisoned every cup that has
+touched my lips.
+
+"'Onward I flew, in a whirl of wildest dissipation, until my
+twenty-first birth day, when my father ordered me to meet him in the
+library at a certain hour. Not daring to disobey him, although I
+anticipated some cutting rebuke for my late headlong course, I waited
+upon him at the appointed time, and was relieved when he asked me in a
+kind tone to take a seat near him.
+
+"'"Dominique," he said, "you have now reached an age when you must give
+up childish follies, and be a man. You are my only son, and my titles
+and fortune must one day be yours. It is my hope that you may support
+them with honor; but, in order to do this you must take a decided step
+at once--you must marry."
+
+"'Although arrived at that period of life when woman usually becomes
+the principal object of man's hope and ambition, I was totally
+indifferent to them, and ridiculed those of my friends who had married,
+or, as I termed it, become slaves for life. But I knew my father's
+temper too well to thwart him, and appeared to acquiesce in his designs
+for my future benefit. He informed me that the lady whom he had
+selected to be my bride, was of a noble family, and would be at our
+villa in a few days, when he wished me to render myself as agreeable as
+possible, and at once commence my wooing.
+
+"'I left him with a feeling of despair at being so soon obliged to give
+up my gay companions and become suppliant to one whom I had never
+before seen, and belonging to a sex that I held in contempt.
+
+"'In my trouble I appealed to a young nobleman, an associate of mine,
+for advice, and he recommended that I should go abroad without my
+father's knowledge--afterwards giving him my reasons for so doing in a
+letter, and humbly asking his forgiveness. This advice just suited my
+disposition, and I resolved to follow it. Accordingly I collected
+sufficient funds for my journey, and on the morning of the day when my
+intended bride was to arrive at our villa, I started with my valet for
+France.
+
+"'Upon reaching Paris I wrote to my father, declaring my determination
+to remain unmarried until tired of being my own master, and concluding
+by asking his pardon for the step which I had taken. My father did not
+answer this letter, and hence I supposed that he was seriously
+offended; but this conviction did not prey upon my mind for any length
+of time--indeed, I soon became more notorious in the French capital
+than I had been at home for unbounded extravagance and heedless
+dissipation. The well-known prominence and wealth of my family gained
+access for me to the circles of the most exclusive aristocracy. The
+glory and power of the unfortunate Louis and his peerless queen, Marie
+Antoinette, were already on the wane; yet their magnificence far
+eclipsed that of any other European court, and many traitors stood in
+the glittering throng that swarmed about them, whose meekly down-cast
+eyes were destined to blaze with the fires of rebellion, and whose
+swords were yet to flash terror into the heart of that sovereign who
+regarded them then as the staunchest bulwarks of his throne. With all
+due ceremony, I was presented to the ill-fated representatives of
+royalty, and quickly found myself the cynosure of all eyes, leered at
+by languishing dames, sneered at by those of my own sex whom nature had
+slighted, and honored with the attention of more than one aristocrat
+who afterwards fell a victim to the fury of red republicanism. But the
+sword of Damocles was suspended over our heads, and it soon fell with a
+clash that aroused echoes in every corner of the globe. When first the
+ferocious Club proclaimed its prerogative, I joined with others in
+treating it as a subject beneath our notice; but, as the flames of
+insurrection spread, and street barricades were successfully defended
+against the assaults of the National Guard, I began to feel the danger
+of being an aristocrat, and take measures for flight when events should
+have reached their crisis. It was too late. At the dead of night, I was
+aroused from my sleep by a violent uproar in the street below,
+accompanied by a thundering at the court yard gates of my hotel. I
+sprang from my couch to the window, and, with a vague apprehension of
+what was to come, pulled aside the curtain and looked forth. Holy
+Virgin! what a sight was there!--Thousands of howling demons, fast
+losing all semblance of humanity, surging and roaring like an infernal
+sea, with ghastly death-lights leaping above its waves and drowning
+grim shadows beneath. 'Blood! blood!' was their watchword, and I heard
+my name bandied from lip to lip, with bitter execrations. My pride was
+aroused, and conquered every other emotion. Hastily drawing a heavy
+military cloak over my head and form, I opened the casement, and walked
+out upon the balcony. So completely did my garment shroud me, that the
+bloodhounds knew me not, and for a moment their hellish cries sank into
+dead silence.
+
+"'"Open the gates, or we will burn you alive," shouted a hoarse voice.
+
+"'"_Vive le Roi!_" I shouted in answer.
+
+"'Oh, what rage there was in the yell responsive to my taunt. It seemed
+as though Pandemonium had sent its countless fiends to join in the
+chorus of brutal fury. The gates were fast yielding, and my servants
+were constantly reminding me with pallid faces that I was ruthlessly
+sacrificing their lives for my own. In a moment, my resolution was
+made. I hastily assumed my usual dress, and wrapping the cloak about
+me, went down into the court and placed myself in a dark corner.
+
+"'"Open the gates," I cried, disguising my voice, and throwing it as
+far forward as possible.
+
+"'With quaking limbs, my servant obeyed the order, and in another
+moment, I felt the hot tide of devils bolting past me, into the elegant
+saloons of my hotel. So intent were the mob upon despoiling and
+plundering, that I was enabled to gain the street unmolested; but at
+that point, some enemy called my name, and with a shout of triumph,
+hundreds of infuriate demons started toward me. Knowing that resistance
+would be worse than madness, I drew my sword, and clenching it firmly
+in my right hand, with the point in front of me, I ran swiftly before
+them. Again arose the shouts, and onward came my enemies, panting for
+blood. Desperation gave me strength, and like a hunted deer, I far
+out-sped my pursuers; but human nature cannot be taxed beyond a certain
+point, and as I turned into the Rue St. Martin, my strength began to
+fail me, and my breath came hot and quick. Giving up all hope of escape
+and resolving to sell my life dearly, I was about to stand at bay, when
+an open door in a house close by caught my glance, and with the
+rapidity of thought, I darted through and closed it behind me. My
+hunters had not yet turned the corner, but I could hear their cries and
+with regained strength, I ascended a flight of stairs and entered an
+apartment, when a scream of surprise arrested my progress. A young girl
+stood before me with uplifted hands and astonishment painted upon every
+feature.
+
+"'"Holy Mother! What would you have, monsieur?"
+
+"'"I am pursued by the _canaille_, mademoiselle, and entered here to
+recruit my strength. I will die like a man."
+
+"'"You are a royalist?"
+
+"'"Yes."
+
+"'I turned to the door, when she eyed me closely for some moments, and
+then opening a closet in the wall, pointed to its interior, without
+speaking. I saw at once that she wished to save me, and after raising
+her hands to my lips in mute expression of my gratitude, I entered the
+closet, and heard her turn the key in the lock. Almost at the same
+moment, loud shouts arose from the street and heavy footsteps were
+heard ascending the stairs.
+
+"'"Whose house is this?" demanded a gruff voice, as its owner
+apparently entered the room, in company with others.
+
+"'"Citizen Foliere's," answered my protectress, in sweet, calm tones.
+
+"'"Which side?"
+
+"'"_Vive la Republique._"
+
+"'"_Tres bien._ He can't be here, comrades; he has given us the slip.
+Where is your father, mademoiselle?"
+
+"'"He went to join in the attack on a hotel in the Rue St. Honore."
+
+"'"Then he will be back soon, for the building is in flames, though its
+master has escaped us. Adieu, mademoiselle."
+
+"'My nerves and muscles had been drawn to the last degree of tension,
+excitement had buoyed me up for a time; but now that my pursuers were
+departing and danger no longer surrounded me, a reaction took place,
+and I fell insensible upon the floor of my closet, while my fair jailer
+was in the act of liberating me.
+
+"'Soon a scorching heat fell upon my brain, and in fancy I returned to
+my father's house. Dire shapes of blood haunted me, until I raved like
+a maniac and cursed the author of my being as the author of my
+destruction.
+
+"'I woke as from a dream, and found myself lying upon a soft couch,
+attended by a physician, and a tall, middle-aged man, wearing the red
+republican badge--I owed my life to one of a class which I had ever
+despised. Monsieur Foliere had returned home soon after my pursuers had
+quitted it; and found his daughter attempting to revive me; great as
+was the risk he incurred by protecting a royalist, he did not hesitate
+to send at once for a surgeon, and order every comfort necessary to
+preserve my life.
+
+"'I endeavored to express my gratitude; but the stern citizen frowned,
+and from that time forth, I said no more on the subject. Health slowly
+returned to its temple, and as it sent the warm blood tingling freshly
+through my veins, love mingled with the current that flowed to the
+heart. Cerise, my saviour, my guardian angel, hovered about my pillow
+like a spirit of light, awaking in my breast a passion which had never
+dwelt there before. She was not what the world termed a beauty; but
+there was a quiet grace about her actions, and a smiling, lovely
+dignity ever shining from her large brown eyes, that so drew her to me,
+as to make me silent and melancholy when she was not present.
+
+"'Not to linger over a period, the purest and brightest of my
+existence, suffice it to say, that Cerise returned my passion, and I
+was blest with her love. I told her my name, and painted the splendors
+of Florence, while she listened with a gentle smile of approbation, and
+consented to become my wife, should her father raise no objection.
+
+"'Anticipating no difficulty in that quarter, my happiness was
+unalloyed, and I considered her as all my own. At length, when my
+health was fully re-established, I asked a private interview with
+Citizen Foliere, and demanded the hand of his daughter in marriage. I
+described in glowing terms my love for Cerise and her reciprocation--I
+spoke of my high rank in Florence, the many honors of my family, and
+its great antiquity; the advantages which would accrue to him from
+having such a son-in-law--in fact, presented my views in every light of
+interest and paternal affection that I could devise. The stern
+republican heard me through in silence, and then answered coldly--
+
+"'"Young man, you were received into my house, a fugitive from
+retributive justice, and sheltered by me at the risk of my own good
+name and life. I pitied your youth, and yielded my protection, when
+duty bade me surrender you to my friends. Would you repay me by robbing
+me of my richest treasure, or forever blighting her existence by
+arousing in her bosom a hopeless passion? My daughter cannot be yours,
+though you boasted the blood of a sovereign; she shall never sit in the
+palaces of our oppressors. My decision is irrevocable, and this subject
+must be forever at rest."
+
+"'Frantic with indignation and disappointment, I flew to Cerise, and
+with the violence of a maniac, acquainted her with my ill-success; I
+swore she should be mine, or I would slay myself at her feet. By turns
+she wept and expostulated, until I accused her of faithlessness, when
+she threw herself into my arms, and in an agony of tears, bade me do
+with her as I pleased.
+
+"'That night I was on my way from Paris, with my _wife_ clasped to my
+breast, calling down heaven's bitterest curses upon my head, should I
+ever cease to love her as I then did, and kissing the hot tears from
+her cheeks in a burning, maddening transport of blind devotion.
+
+"'Oh madman! wretch that I was--why did I not fall a withered corpse at
+the feet of that innocent girl, who sacrificed a father's love for me?
+
+"'At Genoa I purchased a villa in a retired spot, and there tasted the
+intoxicating joys of elysium; but fate was darkening in clouds above my
+head, and the bridal garlands were soon to blossom in a harvest of
+blood. I wrote again to my father, acquainting him with the step I had
+taken, and narrating my escape from death in France. An answer soon
+came, and in the presence of my wife I read as follows:
+
+"'"DOMINIQUE--Foolish boy, you have well nigh driven me to madness by
+your conduct, and your mother has gone to the grave a victim to the
+folly of her son. Come hither at once, if you would not kill me also,
+and behold the wreck that remains of
+
+                                                     "'"YOUR FATHER."
+
+"'The vague tone of this communication, and the intelligence of my
+mother's death, overwhelmed me with sorrow. Cerise, dear Cerise, fell
+upon my bosom and reproached herself as being the author of all my
+troubles. In vain did I try to forget my own griefs, and strive to
+console her; she soon became calm, but the smile of contentment no
+longer beamed from her eyes, and her peace was departed forever. She
+insisted upon obedience to my father's request, and when I yielded,
+accompanied me to my native city silent and tearless.
+
+"'Resolving to see my father alone, I left my wife at an obscure house
+in the suburbs of the city, and promising to return when I had softened
+my parent's wrath, I set out with a heavy heart for the home of my
+childhood.
+
+"'The servants at once recognized me, but I could only learn it from
+their glances, for they led the way in silence to the saloon of
+reception.
+
+"'My father was seated in a remote corner, conversing with some person
+when I entered, and on beholding me, at once came forward and embraced
+me with every token of affection. Astounded at receiving such a salute,
+when I expected nothing but reproach, I stood motionless, staring at
+him in silence, until the other person present approached. Never shall
+I forget the appearance of Lucia on that day. Her raven locks, falling
+below her waist and mingling imperceptibly with the folds of her sable
+robe, contrasted strikingly with the snow-white purity of her
+complexion, over which her piercing eyes, shed a lustre truly
+spiritual. As my father introduced us, our glances met, and I felt a
+thrill to my inmost soul.
+
+"'It maddens me to dwell upon those scenes, and I will hasten to the
+conclusion of my story. I forgot Cerise, my honor--everything, in the
+society of her who had once been selected to wed with me. Day followed
+day until a month had elapsed, and I still remained fascinated to the
+spot, false to my vows, false to my wife, and true to nothing but blind
+infatuation. My father beheld me sinking deeper and deeper in the black
+waves of infamy, and a light of demoniac exultation burned in his eyes.
+I marked his triumph, and I, too, felt a savage joy, though for what
+reason, I knew not.
+
+"'At length he taunted me as the husband of a lazarone. He pointed with
+hellish glee to where Lucia stood, the incarnation of perfection, and
+bade me behold what I had lost. My brain was on fire, a thousand furies
+tugged at my heartstrings, and as my father clasped my hands in his and
+looked down into my soul, I felt that savage joy again, and a demon
+possessed me. My father approached his face to mine, until his hot
+breath burned upon my cheek, and whispered in my ear; it was enough.
+With a loud laugh I left him and flew, rather than ran, to where my
+deserted wife was watching for me, sad and alone.
+
+"'Why did she not tax me with my perfidy? Why did not her angel soul
+arise in its innocent love, to crush me with the glancing of an eye?
+Oh, that she had uttered one reproach, one bitter word! She saw me, and
+with a cry of joy, cast her white arms about my neck, as on our
+marriage; they were like chains of searing, glowing iron to me, and I
+dashed her from me, howling in the delirium of my torments. She marked
+the wild fire that flashed from my eye, the dark flush that burned upon
+my cheek, my breast heaving with the struggles of the fiend within, my
+hair hanging in disordered masses over my throbbing brow, the cowardly
+trembling of the hand concealed in my bosom; she beheld a fiend
+incarnate in the form of one who had sworn to love and cherish her
+forever; yet no word of reproach arose from those lips I had so often
+kissed. Again her arms were about me, and again I attempted to dash her
+to the ground.
+
+"'"My husband, my dear Dominique!" she shrieked, clinging to me, and
+pressing her cheeks, pallid and cold, against mine, glowing and burning
+with the reflected fires of hell. The spell of madness fell upon me, as
+I struggled with that faithful wife, and hissing froth boiled from
+between my teeth, mingling with her long locks of auburn hair. I
+suffered all the torments of the damned as we swayed to and fro, until
+her strength began to fail and her arms relaxed their hold. Then, with
+a horrid laugh, I wound her long curls about my hand, and plunged a
+stiletto to its hilt in her breast.
+
+"'The warm blood of life poured in a torrent upon me, and as my victim
+lay gasping upon the ground, I danced frantically about her, laughing
+with glee.
+
+"'I did not wait to see her die--I _dared not_ do it--but all gory as I
+was, I returned to my father. He met me with a smile, and his calmness
+communicated itself to me.
+
+"'I was happy then--oh! yes, very happy!
+
+"'With blood upon my hand, and madness in my brain, I wooed Lucia with
+all the cunning of insanity, and another gentle heart soon beat for me
+alone.
+
+"'We were married! I remember the bright glare of the lights, the holy
+dignity of the priests, the gay laughter of the brilliant company, as
+my health and _happiness_ were pledged in goblets of rare wines, the
+face of my _second_ wife shining like that of an angel, with fond,
+confiding love for _me_; and then my father! We looked at each other,
+and smiled exultantly--we murderers, madmen, receiving the homage of
+reasonable beings. I was filled with mad joy, and sent forth peals upon
+peals of laughter while the ceremony was being performed. My father
+joined in my unnatural merriment, and surprise and fear was painted on
+every countenance. I saw the lips of Lucia tremble, and squeezed her
+hand so that she groaned with pain. Oh! what would I not have given to
+have been in the open air, yelling my triumph to the beast in his lair
+and the bird on the wing; making nature's arena to echo my bursts of
+mirth, and rising far above the earth on a sea of discord. My father
+continued near me through the ceremony, and left the saloon at its
+conclusion; but I _knew_ that his feelings were like mine and envied
+his liberty.
+
+"'Then I grew calm again, and friends congratulated me, and music
+filled the air, and the dance went on, and I kissed my bride until she
+involuntarily shrank from me in confusion. I was very happy then.
+
+"'At length the midnight hour arrived and the maidens of Lucia
+conducted her, veiled in blushes, to the nuptial couch. How beautiful
+did she look, arrayed in spotless white, such as bright angels wear. An
+hour elapsed ere I flew to her chamber and threw myself upon the floor
+in a paroxysm of mirth. There was a large lamp of glass that burned
+before a mirror in our bridal chamber, and as its perfumed oil was
+consumed a delicious odor ladened the air; as I rolled upon the carpet
+and tore it with my teeth, the light shone in my eyes, and in an
+instant I ceased all motion and stared fixedly at it, while cold drops
+of water came out upon my temple.
+
+"'Timidly my bride approached and spoke to me; but I answered her not;
+for there was another form before my eyes; another bride speaking to my
+soul. There was an explosion; the lamp fell into a thousand pieces, and
+where it had been there stood _my murdered wife_, with the blood
+pouring from her bosom, and the stiletto in her hand. I saw her as
+plainly as I now see you, and she bade me _slay her rival_! I knew my
+fate decreed it so; I dared not disobey the dead, and with a howl of
+fury, I sprang upon Lucia, my _second_ bride. In vain she clasped her
+hands to me in prayer for mercy; in vain she tried to shriek for help;
+I grasped her pale throat until my nails sank into the flesh, and a
+purple hue spread over her face. There I saw her sink from blooming
+health to ghastly death, and every feature was visible to me in all its
+convulsive workings, although the light was out.
+
+"'My spirit wife stood before me and my last victim, until she faded to
+nothing in the morning light.
+
+"'As the beams of the sun streamed in upon me, I took my dead bride in
+my arms and stalked gaily down to the saloon of my father. I heard him
+laughing loudly, and with a laugh I answered him as I carried my burden
+into his presence. He, too, had something in his arms, and it was the
+lifeless form of Cerise, crumbling to decay, and fresh from a banquet
+of worms. We placed our treasures side by side upon a table, and
+embraced each other with yells of laughter. Higher and higher rose our
+mirth, and louder grew our shouts of triumph, until the street beneath
+us was crowded with people, and the servants burst into the saloon
+where we held our revel.
+
+"'We were seized and carried before the Duke, with the cold corpses of
+my wives; but we laughed when they called us murderers, and cursed when
+others called us madmen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"'The keepers of the madhouse awoke me from my slumbers to tell me that
+my father had died during the night. What was that to me? I wanted a
+light burning beside me all night, and then he would not come from the
+grave to visit me. So I laughed and was merry to think that I was
+locked up in a madhouse. After many years I was released from my
+prison, and came thither to take the cowl of a monk. Think not that I
+am mad, holy father, when I solemnly swear that the shades of my wives
+stand beside me every night, and only wait until the light goes out, to
+drag me down to hell. I see them _now_, with bleeding bosom, and throat
+bearing the prints of my nails! Cerise! Lucia! I defy thee both! The
+lamp still burns! ha! ha! ha!'
+
+"With a horrid laugh brother Dominique fell upon his face on the
+ground, like one blasted by a stroke from heaven; and with a vague
+feeling of terror, I crawled stealthily to my own cell.
+
+"On the following day we met at morning prayer, in the chapel, but he
+treated me as though we had never known each other, and the events of
+the preceding night were never again mentioned by either of us.
+
+"One evening, loud peals of laughter were heard issuing from the cell
+of the maniac, and several of the monks hastened thither with me, to
+learn its cause. On opening the door, I first beheld the lamp lying
+extinguished in its niche, while brother Dominique was stretched upon
+the stony pavement in strong convulsions, giving vent every now and
+then to sounds of mirth, so dreadful that we stopped our ears, and fled
+horrified to the superior. When all was again silent we returned to the
+cell; but the maniac was not there, and the niche was vacant."
+
+Such, my boy, was the story related by M. Bonbon, the reading making
+him hoarse, and the plot suggesting a nightmare also.
+
+                                                Yours, staringly,
+                                                        ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LXV.
+
+  NOTING THE REMARKABLE RETROGRADE ADVANCE OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE
+      UPON WASHINGTON, AND THE UNSEEMLY RAIDS OF THE RECKLESS
+      CONFEDERACY.
+
+
+                                   WASHINGTON, D. C., August 30th, 1862.
+
+As every thing continues to indicate, my boy, that President Lincoln is
+an honest man, I am still of the opinion that the restoration of the
+Union is only a question of time, and will be accomplished some weeks
+previous to the commencement of the Millennium. It is the "Union as it
+was" that we want, my boy, and those who have other articles to sell
+are hereby accused of being accursed Abolitionists. I was talking the
+other day to a venerable Congressman from Maryland, who had just
+arrived to protest against the disturbance of mail facilities between
+Baltimore and the capital of the Southern Confederacy, and says he, "I
+have several friends who are Confederacies, and they inform me that
+they are perfectly willing to return to the Union as it Was, in case
+they should fail in their present enterprise. If I thought," says the
+Congressman, hastily placing a lottery-ticket in his vest-pocket, "if I
+thought that this war was to be waged for the purpose of injuring the
+Southern Confederacy, rather than to restore the Union as it was, I
+should at once demand more mileage of the Government, and repeatedly
+inquire what had become of all the 'Wide-Awakes.'"
+
+As he uttered this last horrible threat, my boy, I was impressed with a
+sense of something darkly democratic. Too many of the "Wide-Awakes" of
+the last campaign are indeed fast asleep now, when their country needs
+them. I saw one of them slumbering near Culpepper Court House last
+week. He was sleeping with his right arm twisted in the spokes of a
+disabled cannon wheel, and a small purple mark was on his right temple.
+But he was not alone in his forgetful sloth, my boy; for near him, and
+rigidly grasping his disengaged hand, was a Democrat slumbering too!
+
+The sight, I remember, rendered me so honestly indignant, that I could
+not help pointing it out to the Mackerel Chaplain, who was engaged in
+selling hymn-books to the wounded. The Chaplain looked a moment at the
+Fusion Ticket before us.
+
+"They sleep for the Flag," says he, softly, "and may its Stars shed
+pleasant dreams upon their loyal souls for ever."
+
+The Chaplain is an enthusiast, my boy, and this is what he has written
+about
+
+          OUR GUIDING STARS.
+
+  The planets of our Flag are set
+    In God's eternal blue sublime,
+  Creation's world-wide starry stripe
+    Between the banner'd days of time.
+
+  Upon the sky's divining scroll,
+    In burning punctuation borne,
+  They shape the sentence of the night
+    That prophesies a cloudless morn.
+
+  The waters free their mirrors are;
+    And fair with equal light they look
+  Upon the royal ocean's breast,
+    And on the humble mountain brook.
+
+  Though each distinctive as the soul
+    Of some new world not yet begun,
+  In bright career their courses blend
+    Round Liberty's unchanging Sun.
+
+  Thus ever shine, ye Stars, for all!
+    And palsied be the hand that harms
+  Earth's pleading signal to the skies,
+    And Heav'ns immortal Coat of Arms.
+
+You are probably aware, my boy, that the unconquerable Mackerel Brigade
+is still advancing upon Washington in a highly respectable and
+strategic manner; and that all correspondents are excluded from the
+lines, lest some of them, in their natural blackness of heart, should
+construe the advance upon Washington into a retreat from Richmond.
+
+But I gained admission to the scene by adopting the airy and pleasing
+uniform of the Southern Confederacy; and am thereby enabled to give you
+some further account of the skillful retrograde advance to which I
+dimly referred in my absorbing last.
+
+The uniform of the Southern Confederacy is much respected by many of
+our officers, my boy, and is the only guise in which a fellow-being may
+scrutinize the national strategic works with entire safety.
+
+Thus attired, I joined the Mackerel Brigade in its cheerful work of
+pushing Richmond away from its martial front, and having penetrated to
+the rear where horrible carnage was being wrought in the frantic ranks
+of the Confederacy, I beheld the idolized General of the Mackerel
+Brigade anxiously searching for something upon the ground. In a moment,
+he looked up, and says he to the warriors in his neighborhood:
+
+"My children, have you seen anything of a small black bottle that I
+placed upon the grass, just now, when I turned to speak to my aid?"
+
+A Mackerel chap coughed respectfully, and says he: "I guess it was
+taken by some equestrian Confederacies, which has just made another
+raid."
+
+"Thunder!" says the General, "that's the third bottle I've lost in the
+same way within an hour." And he proceeded slowly and thoughtfully to
+mount his horse, which stood eyeing him with funereal solemnity and
+many inequalities of surface.
+
+Turning to another part of the line, my boy, I beheld Captain Villiam
+Brown and Captain Bob Shorty in the act of performing a great strategic
+movement with the indomitable Conic Section, many of whom were
+employing the moment to take a last look at the canteens presented to
+them before leaving home by their devoted mothers. A number of reckless
+Confederacies had just crossed a bridge spanning a small stream near
+by, and the object of this daring movement was to suddenly destroy the
+bridge before they could retreat and then make prisoners of the whole.
+
+It was a sublime conception, my boy--it was a sublime conception, and
+rich with strategy.
+
+Like panthers surrounding their unsuspecting prey, the wily Mackerels
+swept noiselessly across the bridge, applied their axes with the
+quickness of thought, and in a moment the doomed structure fell
+splashing into the water. It was beautiful to see Villiam's honest
+exultation at this moment; his eyes brightened like small bottles of
+brandy with the light shining through them, and says he:
+
+"We have circumvented the Confederacy. Ah!" says Villiam, proudly; "the
+United States of America is now prepared to continue in the exchange
+business, and--"
+
+He paused. He paused, my boy, because he suddenly observed that Captain
+Bob Shorty had commenced to scratch his head in a dismal manner.
+
+"I'm blessed," says Captain Bob Shorty, in a cholerical manner--"I'm
+blessed if I don't think there's some mistake here, my military infant!"
+
+"Ha!" says Villiam, with dignity; "do you discover a flaw in the great
+chain woven by the United States of America around the doomed
+Confederacy?"
+
+Captain Bob Shorty again scratched his head, and says he:
+
+"I don't wish to make unpleasant insinuations; but it seems to me that
+this here body of infantry has left itself on the wrong side of the
+stream!"
+
+And so it had, my boy. By one of those little mistakes which will
+sometimes occur in the most victorious armies, the Conic Section had
+thoughtlessly _crossed the bridge_ before destroying it, thus leaving
+themselves on one side of the river, while the riotous Confederacies
+were on the other.
+
+How they got across again, at a fordable place higher up, just in time
+to see the Confederacies cross again, at a fordable place lower down, I
+will not pause to tell you, as such information might retard
+enlistments.
+
+Once more stationing myself near the General of the Mackerel Brigade,
+who sat astride his funereal charger like the equestrian statue of the
+Duke of Wellington, I was watching his motions attentively, when a body
+of horsemen suddenly dashed by him, and I saw, as they disappeared,
+that he was left bareheaded.
+
+"Thunder!" says the general, winking very violently in the sunlight,
+and rattling his sword in a fearless manner, "where's my cap gone to?"
+
+There was a respectful Mackerel chap at hand, and says he:
+
+"I think it was took by the equestrian Confederacy, which has jest made
+another raid."
+
+"Hum!" says the general, thoughtfully, "that's very true. Thunder!"
+says the general to himself, as it were: "this is all Greeley's work."
+
+Pondering deeply over this last remark, I sauntered to another part of
+the field, where the Orange County Howitzers were being prepared to
+repel the charge of a regiment of Confederacies, who had just come
+within our lines for the purpose. The artillery was well handled, my
+boy, and not a piece would have been captured but for the splendid
+discipline of the gunners. They were too well disciplined to dispute
+orders, my boy; and as Captain Samyule Sa-mith had accidentally
+forgotten to give the order to "load" before he told them to fire, the
+effect of our metal upon the hostile force was not as inflammatory as
+it might have been.
+
+The next I saw of Samyule, he was making his report to the general, who
+received him with much enthusiasm.
+
+"Where are your guns, my child?" says the general, with paternal
+affability.
+
+Samyule blew his nose in a business-like manner, and says he;
+
+"Several of them have just gone South."
+
+I am unable to state what response the general intended to make, my
+boy; for at this instant a body of horsemen swept between the speakers,
+one of the riders jerking the veteran's horse violently from under him,
+and galloping the steed away with him. Up sprang the general, in a
+violent perspiration, and says he:
+
+"Where's my horse gone to?"
+
+"I guess," says a Mackerel chap, stepping up--"I guess that it was took
+by the equestrian Confederacy, which has just made another raid."
+
+"Thunder!" says the general, "they'll take my coat and vest next." And
+he retired to a spot nearer Washington.
+
+I would gladly continue my narrative of the advance movement, my boy,
+showing how our forces continued their march in excellent order, safely
+reaching a spot within ten miles of the place they gained on the
+following day; but such revelations would simply tend to confuse your
+weak mind with those great doubts concerning military affairs which
+tend to render civilization impertinently critical.
+
+It is the simple duty of civilians, my boy, to implicitly trust our
+brass-buttoned generals; of whom there are enough to furnish the whole
+world with war--and never finish it at that.
+
+                                                   Yours, weekly,
+                                                        ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LXVI.
+
+  IN WHICH OUR CORRESPONDENT ASTONISHES US BY ENGAGING IN SINGLE
+      COMBAT WITH M. MICHELET, AND DEMOLISHING "L'AMOUR" AND "LA
+      FEMME."
+
+
+                                    WASHINGTON, D. C., Sept. 4th, 1862.
+
+While I was lounging in a banker's drawing-room this morning, my boy,
+waiting for the filthy lucre chap to come down and say that he was glad
+to see me, I chanced to see the eternal "L'Amour" and "La Femme" lying
+upon a table in the apartment. The sight threw me into a bad humor, for
+I detest those books, my boy, and wish the United States of America had
+never seen them.
+
+Monsieur Michelet, a French individual of questionable morals, first
+writes a book about "Love," and then clinches it with one about
+"Woman." It is hardly necessary to add, that he treats both subjects in
+a thoroughly French manner, and makes one a continuation of the other.
+Love is a charming little story in every man's life, "complete in one
+number"--Number one. Woman is a love-story, "to be continued" until,
+like all other continued stories, it ends with marriage!
+
+Such is the logic implied by Monsieur Michelet's two books, and whether
+it is calculated to elevate or degrade the weaker sex, a majority of
+educated American women have eagerly read the books and accepted the
+sentiments as so many compliments. And the men? They leisurely rove
+through the leaves of monsieur's mental Valambrosa, and say: "How
+Frenchy!" And in that natural exclamation we find the most complete and
+just criticism of "L'Amour" and "La Femme" possible to American lips or
+pen.
+
+This Michelet, my boy, is a man of talent and remarkably clear poetical
+perception. He is as much like Hallam as a Frenchman can be like an
+Englishman, and France honors him for his development of the poetry of
+her history; but is that any reason why he should be accepted as the
+modern High-priest of Love and the Censor of Woman? By no means. Madame
+de Stael was thinking of a Frenchman when she wrote: "Love is only an
+episode in man's life"--and may have referred to herself when she
+added: "but it is woman's whole existence." Had an American woman
+spoken this, we should suspect the sentiment to be nothing more than
+the reproach of a disappointed passion; but of the Frenchman it is
+indisputably true, as well as of woman wherever we find her.
+
+The French do not know what Fidelity means, my boy; they have chameleon
+souls, and remain true to one object only until another comes within
+their reach. Like mad bulls, they are attracted by the quiescent warmth
+of fiery-red; and, having attained it, tear it to pieces in their
+passion.
+
+What can such people know about Love? Nothing. They call Love
+"L'Amour," and when we speak of a man's "amours," we mean that he
+"loves" like a Frenchman. Monsieur Michelet is a Frenchman; and
+supposing him to be an ordinary one, we must accept his sentiments
+regarding Woman as we would those of an Apicius regarding a delicacy he
+apostrophizes before devouring. But Michelet's temperament is poetical,
+and while he looks upon Woman as a foretaste of the sensualist's
+paradise, and upon Love as the means of gaining it, he covers up the
+grossness of his ideas with robes borrowed from the angels. Adopting
+Kepler's canon, that "harmony is the perfection of relations," he makes
+Woman, the creature, a continuation of Love, the sentiment; and the
+tenor of his "L'Amour" and "La Femme" is, that both must be possessed
+by man, in order to perfect the union which makes them a perfect One.
+
+Wherever I go I find these books: cheek to cheek they repose on the
+carved table of the lady's boudoir; shoulder to shoulder they stand on
+the library shelf; _tete-a-tete_ they give the rich centre-table an
+equivocal aspect. Young men and maidens, old men and matrons, children
+and chambermaids read them; yet they have no social effect. Woman
+understands love and herself; Man thinks he understands both; and the
+fictitious fervor of Monsieur Michelet has no more effect upon either
+than so much prismatic froth. It addresses itself piquantly to the eye,
+and murmurs like a shell in the ear; but once out of sight and hearing,
+and it is only an excuse for light talk and laxity of thought.
+
+I am glad to record this; it shows that our national morality is in no
+danger of being wrecked on the French coast by any such tropical gales
+as Michelet, Feydeau, or Dumas can blow. Let our publishers bring over
+a few more cargoes from the Augaean stables of French literature in
+English bottoms, and I will guarantee them large profits. We will read
+them, and immediately forget all about it.
+
+But to return to Michelet again. Our women read his "Woman," and
+imagine that it compliments their sex--flatters them. Fortunate is it,
+that flattery very seldom changes a woman's character, though it may
+sway her judgment. She accepts it as her right, but seldom believes it.
+Queen Elizabeth graciously extended her hand to be kissed when her
+noble lover compared her to "the sun, whose faintest ray extinguishes
+the brightest planet;" yet that same hand had signed the flatterer's
+death-warrant. At the moment she was pleased, and her good sense dazed;
+but her heart was not reached. Flattery, skillfully administered, may
+add fuel to a woman's love; but the fire must first be kindled with
+something more sympathetic. An American woman may read "La Femme," and
+complacently receive its subtle _equivoques_ as so much fuel added to
+her vanity; but that vanity was kindled into existence in the first
+place by the genuine homage of some honest man.
+
+It was Michelet's "Woman," my boy, that suggested this letter; yet I
+did not intend, at the outset, to devote so much space to his
+unwholesome sophistry. If I have shown, however, that Michelet's
+"Woman" is only such a being as he would have created under that name,
+could he have changed places with the Deity, I have not wasted time and
+ink. Thank fortune, there is but one French deity, and his proper name
+commences with a D.
+
+Now, let me give my own idea of Woman--not "La Femme."
+
+As she stands before me in the light of Nature, she is no "enigma," as
+voluntarily-puzzled poets have called her; but a being easily defined,
+and not more nearly related to the angels than man. To the best of her
+sex we attribute one natural weakness and one virtue--Curiosity and
+Modesty. Everybody must allow this much. But why should we make such a
+distinction between these two qualities? Let us trace them back to
+their exemplar:
+
+Eve's curiosity was the first effect of her serpentine temptation. Was
+it not? Well, that curiosity caused her to eat the forbidden fruit.
+Having eaten it, and caused Adam to eat, she suddenly became possessed
+of modesty, and made herself an apron of fig-leaves. It is but natural
+to infer that her first blush was worn at the same time, though Milton
+attributes blushes to the angels. As angels are immaterial beings, I
+think Milton was mistaken. Now, if modesty, as well as curiosity, was
+the result of Satanic temptation, why should one be called a weakness
+and the other a virtue? Are not both the fruits of original sin?
+
+Woman's love is said to be stronger and more lasting than man's. Is it
+so? Let us trace it back to its beginning:
+
+Eve's love for Adam did not prevent her fall. She met the Prince of
+Darkness and listened to his blandishments, as too many ladies of the
+present time prefer the society of bogus courtiers to that of their
+Adams of husbands. She forever disgraced Adam, herself, and her future
+family, just to please the tempter. Was this a proof the depth and
+vitality of Woman's love? And Adam? Why, rather than refuse any request
+of the woman he loved, however extravagant, he voluntarily shared in
+her ruin, and courted the curse of her fall. Did this prove that Man's
+love is weaker and shorter-lived than Woman's?
+
+Now, I should like to see some one impudent enough to assert that Eve
+was more curious, or less modest, or more fickle than are the best of
+her female descendants. Such impudence is not compatible with the
+present position of civilization. Then, as Eve was the great exemplar
+of her sex in Modesty and Fidelity as well as Curiosity, it follows
+that Woman's Modesty is the result of inherited sin, and her Fidelity
+in Love no greater than Man's.
+
+Alas! for the "angels" of the poets, my boy. Prove that her Modesty and
+Love are anything but heavenly, and what remains to make Woman angelic?
+
+I could honor, love, and might obey the Best of Her Sex; but I shall
+never worship her. She is not a Deity--only a Woman. I believe that God
+intends each woman for a wife; yet six marriages out of every dozen are
+unhappy ones. And what is the reason? Simply this:
+
+Before marriage, man generally accepts one of the two poetical theories
+respecting Woman. He either supposes her to be an angel, purer and more
+elevated in her nature than he in his; or gloats over her as a delicate
+morsel prepared for his special delectation by the gods. In either
+case, he finds out his mistake when it is too late to rectify it, and
+his disappointment is but the refinement of disgust. He either
+discovers that woman is only a human being, and very much like himself
+by nature; or that constant familiarity with her brings her down to the
+level of a man in his estimation. There is but one possibility of
+escape from disappointment in either case; the death of husband or wife
+within a year of the wedding day!
+
+Husbands and wives, have I spoken truly?
+
+But there are exceptions to every rule. Some men marry women for the
+sake of having homes of their own; others, for money; still others,
+because it is the fashion. The man who marries for a comfortable home
+often gets what he desired, and is contented; the mercenary husband is
+likely to do and feel the same; the fashionable husband generally cuts
+his throat. These exceptions do not break the rule.
+
+It may be asked: Why do widowers so often marry again, if they were so
+disappointed in their first wives? My boy, you are no philosopher. How
+many men have learned wisdom by experience? Only a few, and they are
+all dead. If a sailor is shipwrecked, and nearly killed on his first
+voyage, does he forsake the sea forever after? If a man buys an image
+supposed to be made of marble, and discovers that it is plaster, does
+he never buy another image? Because you and your neighbors chance to
+buy a barrel of bad eggs, are you satisfied that good ones are not to
+be had?
+
+An enthusiastic young man marries a girl whom he supposes to be an
+"angel." A year passes, and he mourns over his mistake. A few more roll
+away, and she dies. Does the widower profit by his experience? No! He
+says to himself: "My late wife was not an 'angel;' but that sweet girl
+I saw yesterday certainly is. She is entirely different from my late
+wife." Well, he marries angel No. 2. She proves to be No. 1 in a
+different dress.
+
+A tropical young man is infatuated with the physical beauty of a girl,
+and marries her with the idea that he will never weary of looking at
+her. A year passes, and he is heartily tired of her. She dies. Does the
+widower profit by his experience? No! He says to himself: "I was
+wearied of my late wife because her hair, eyes and complexion were the
+same as mine. Physiologists say that opposites are necessary to
+matrimonial bliss. There is Miss ----, with her hair, eyes and
+complexion, in direct antithesis with mine. I am _sure_ I should never
+weary of her!" He marries her. And tires of her.
+
+Do you see, my boy?
+
+And now to remedy this evil: Let us look upon woman as she is. If an
+"angel" with golden hair, snowy complexion, pearly teeth, heaven blue
+eyes, and no appetite, sounds better in poetry than a true woman, with
+auburn hair, fair complexion, clean teeth, and nice blue eyes, why, let
+the poets rant about "angels." But poetry has nothing to do with so
+practical an event as marriage, and its "angels" will not do for wives.
+A man cannot be guilty of a more absurd and unprovoked piece of
+injustice, than that of persisting in believing his bride more of an
+angel than human. He might as well go to a jeweller's, and insist upon
+buying a pearl for a diamond, when the certain result of such folly
+would be his denunciation of the pearl as a swindle, when time
+convinced him of its real character. No true woman desires to be looked
+upon as an "angel," nor to have her beauty valued as a joy imperishable.
+
+It is very common for women to lament the indifference of husbands who
+were the most attentive and obedient of lovers. I have explained the
+cause of the defection.
+
+To secure happiness--or contentment, at least--in the marriage state,
+we must regard woman as our equal by nature, whatever superiority or
+inferiority she may possess by virtue of her mental or social
+education. We must not look _up_ to her, nor _down_ upon her, but
+straight _at_ her. We must not base our love for her upon supposed
+angelic qualities. If we desire to make her happy, and be happy
+ourselves, we must recognize her human origin in common with our own,
+and accept her physical inferiority as security for the continuance of
+our own love in all its normal strength.
+
+Of course there are grades in human nature. Some natures are more
+refined than others, from the effects of their surroundings and
+education. But the lover should recognize no degree higher than his own
+when he selects his mistress. Then, if hers proves higher than his,
+after marriage, he is delighted; if the same as his, he is satisfied.
+But suppose it should prove lower than his? Such a supposition is
+untenable in a marriage of mutual affection. A superior nature will
+never gravitate to an inferior one by the attraction of real love.
+There must be a natural sympathy; and sympathy is the rock upon which
+all true love is founded.
+
+Love never yet blended incompatible natures in marriage. Money often
+does--brute-insanity sometimes.
+
+You have probably concluded, by this time, my boy, that my ideas of the
+true Woman and Monsieur Michelet's views of "La Femme" are decidedly at
+variance.
+
+I have sufficient faith in the good sense of Woman to believe that she
+will give preference to my doctrine. If so, she will not translate "La
+Femme" as "Woman," but as "grisette," "lorette," or "camelia lady." To
+christen such a work "Woman," is to lay a snare for the Best of Her
+Sex, and catch the Weakest in it. The female who allows it to affect
+her may possibly make "a neatly-shod grisette," but never a good wife.
+
+It may be asked why I have made "Woman" the subject of this letter, and
+why I have adopted such a Frenchy style?
+
+Simply because there is no subject less understood, my boy, by the
+generality of young mankind; and because I deem it best to practice the
+doctrine of _similia similibus curantur_ (in style) while quarreling
+with Monsieur Michelet.
+
+                                            Yours, sentimentally,
+                                                       ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                             LETTER LXVII.
+
+  GIVING ASSURANCE OF THE UNMITIGATED SAFETY OF THE CAPITAL,
+      EXEMPLIFYING COLONEL WOBINSON's DRAFTING EXPERIENCE, AND
+      NARRATING A GREAT METAPHYSICAL VICTORY.
+
+
+                                 WASHINGTON, D. C., September 5th, 1862.
+
+Everything is confident and buoyant here, my boy, a sense that the
+President is an honest man, inspiring confidence on every side, and
+surrounding the Government with well-known confidence men. The repeated
+safety of the Capital, indeed, has even inspired the genius of New
+England, as illustrated by a thoughtful Boston chap, with one of those
+enlarged business ideas which will yet enable that section to betrade
+the whole world. The thoughtful Boston chap has read all the war-news,
+my boy, for the last six months, and as he happens to be a moral
+manufacturer of burglar-proof safes, a happy pecuniary thought struck
+him forcibly. After joining the church, to make sure of his morality
+here, he came hither in haste, opened an establishment, read the
+war-news once more, and then issued the following enterprising card:
+
+                           BUY THE CELEBRATED
+                            WASHINGTON SAFE!
+
+Everybody thought it was the safe they'd read so much about in the
+papers, my boy, and several hundreds were sold.
+
+There was another chap, named Burns, the inventor of a Family and
+Military Gridiron, who noticed how the thoughtful Boston chap was
+making money by the advertising necessities of our distracted country.
+Having been born in Connecticut at a very early age, my boy, he was not
+long in finding a way to make his own eternal fortune, after the same
+meritorious manner. So he at once repaired to a liquor shop, to make
+sure that a majority of our staff-officers would hear him, and then,
+says he, in stentorian tones:
+
+"My sympathies are all with the Southern Confederacy, to whom I send
+the weekly journals of romance on the day of publication. As to the
+Union," says the Connecticut chap, hotly, "I have less confidence in it
+than I have in my Patent Economical Family and Military Gridiron."
+
+He was immediately arrested for this seditious talk, my boy, and all
+the reporters telegraphed an exciting dispatch to the reliable morning
+journals:
+
+"_Exciting Affair--Arrest of an Influential Rebel!_--The celebrated Mr.
+Burns has been arrested for publicly saying that he had more confidence
+in his well-known and ingenious patent Economical Family and Military
+Gridiron than he had in the Union. Upon hearing of his incarceration,
+the most sanguine rebel sympathizers here admitted that the cause of
+the South was lost forever."
+
+The Connecticut chap remained in custody until he had received four
+hundred orders for gridirons, from private families and army-chaplains,
+and then he explained that the words he had used were uttered in the
+heat of passion, and he was, of course, honorably discharged from
+prison, to make way for a shameless, aged miscreant just committed for
+two years' hard labor, on suspicion of having discouraged enlistments
+by asserting that, although he was too old to go to the war himself, he
+intended to send a substitute.
+
+Simultaneously, all the reporters telegraphed again to the reliable
+morning journals:
+
+"_The Burns Affair Settled!--Full Particulars of the Gridiron!_--Mr.
+Burns, the celebrated inventor of the famous Patent Gridiron, has been
+honorably discharged by order of the Secretary of War. His inimitable
+Gridiron is destined to have an immense sale.
+
+"It cooks a beafsteak in such a manner that the appetite is fully
+satisfied from merely looking at it, and the same steak will do for
+breakfast next morning. This is a great saving. Persons having nothing
+to eat find this Gridiron a great comfort, and hence the propriety of
+introducing it in the army."
+
+The Gridirons are having a great sale, my boy, and it is believed that
+the business interests of the country are being rapidly improved by the
+war.
+
+Knowing that the Mackerel Brigade was making preparations to entrap the
+Southern Confederacy at Molasses Junction, I ascended to the upper
+gallery of my architectural steed, Pegasus, on Tuesday, in order that I
+might not be unduly hurried on my journey. Taking Accomac on my way to
+the battle-field, my boy, I called upon Colonel Wobert Wobinson, who is
+superintending preparations for the draft there, and was witness to an
+incident suitable to be recorded in profane history.
+
+The draft in Accomac, my boy, is positively to take place on the 11th
+of September; but it is not believed that the enrollment can be
+finished before the 15th; in which case, the draft must inevitably take
+place on the 20th. In fact, the Judge-Advocate of the Accomac states
+positively that the conscription will commence on the 1st of October;
+and volunteering is so brisk that no draft may be required. At least,
+such is the report of those best acquainted with the more decisive
+plans of the War Department, which thinks of joining the Temperance
+Society.
+
+The exempts were filing their papers of exemption with Colonel Wobert
+Wobinson, my boy, and amongst them was one chap with a swelled eye, a
+deranged neck-tie, and a hat that looked as though it might have been
+used as an elephant's foot-bath. The chap came in with a heavy walk,
+and says he:
+
+"Being a married man, war has no terror for me; but I am obliged to
+exempt myself from military affairs on account of the cataract in my
+eyes."
+
+Colonel Wobert Wobinson looked at him sympathizingly, and says he: "You
+might possibly do for a major-general, my son, as it is blindness
+principally that characterises a majority of our present major-generals
+in the field; but fearing that your absence from home might cause a
+prostration in the liquor business, I will accept your cataract as
+valid."
+
+The poor chap sighed until he reached the first hiccup, and then says
+he: "I wish I could cure this here cataract, which causes my eyes to
+weep in the absence of all woe."
+
+"Do your orbs liquidate so freely?" says the Colonel, with the air of a
+family physician.
+
+"Yes," says the poor chap, gloomily, "they are like two continual mill
+streams."
+
+"Mill streams!" says Colonel Wobinson meditatively, "mill streams! Why,
+then, you'd better dam your eyes."
+
+"I think, my boy, I say I _think_, that this kindly advice of Colonel
+Wobert Wobinson's must have been misunderstood in some way; for an
+instant departure of several piously-inclined recruits took place
+precipitately, and the poor chap chuckled like a fiend.
+
+It is the great misfortune of our mother tongue, my boy, that words of
+widely-different meanings have precisely the same sound, and in using
+one you seem to be abusing another.
+
+Arriving near the celebrated Molasses Junction, where a number of
+Mackerels were placing a number of new cars and locomotives on the
+track--the object being to delude the Southern Confederacy into taking
+a ride in them, when, it was believed, the aforesaid Confederacy would
+speedily be destroyed by one of those "frightful accidents" without
+which a day on any American railroad would be a perfect
+anomaly--arriving there, I say, I took an immediate survey of the
+appointed field of strife.
+
+To the inexperienced civilian eye, my boy, everything appeared to be in
+a state of chaotic confusion, which nothing but the military genius of
+our generals could make much worse. On all sides, my boy, I beheld the
+Mackerel chaps marching and countermarching; falling back, retiring,
+retreating, and making retrograde movements. Some were looking for
+their regiments; some were insanely looking for their officers, as
+though they did not know that the latter have resided permanently in
+Washington ever since the war commenced; some were making calls on
+others, and here and there might be seen squads of Confederates picking
+up any little thing they might happen to find.
+
+Finding the general of the Mackerel Brigade lunching upon a bottle and
+tumbler near me, I saluted him, and says I:
+
+"Tell me, my veteran, how it is that you permit the Southern
+Confederacy to meander thus within your lines?"
+
+The general looked toleratingly at me, and says he;
+
+"I have a plan to entrap the Confederacy, and end this doomed rebellion
+at one stroke. Do you mark that long train of army wagons down there
+near my quarters?"
+
+"Yes," says I, nervously.
+
+"Well, then, my nice little boy," says the general, cautiously, "I'll
+tell you what the plan is. These wagons contain the rations of our
+troops. It is my purpose to induce the celebrated Confederacy to
+capture these wagons and attempt to eat those rations. If the
+Confederacy will only do that," says the general, fiercely, "it will be
+taken sick on the spot, and we shall capture it alive."
+
+I could not but feel shocked at this inhuman artifice, my boy. The
+Southerners have indeed acted in away to forfeit all ordinary mercy,
+but still, we should abstain from any retaliatory act savoring of
+demoniac malignity. Our foes are at least human beings.
+
+Suppressing my horror, however, I assumed a practical aspect, and says
+I:
+
+"But how are the Mackerel warriors to subsist, my Napoleon, if you
+allow the rations to go?"
+
+"Thunder!" says the general, handing me a paper from his pocket. "They
+are to subsist exclusively on the enemy. Just peruse this document,
+which I have just fulminated."
+
+Taking the paper, I found it to be the following
+
+                              PROCLAMATION.
+
+Whereas, The matter of provisions is a great expense to the United
+States of America, besides offering inducements for unexpected raids on
+the part of the famishing foeman; the Mackerel Brigade is hereby
+directed to live entirely upon the Southern Confederacy, eating him
+alive wherever found, and partaking of no other food.
+
+The Brigade will not be permitted to take any clothing with it on the
+march, being required henceforth to dress exclusively in the
+habiliments of captured Confederacies.
+
+We have done with retrograde movements. No more lines of retreat will
+be kept open, and henceforth the Mackerel Brigade is to make nothing
+but great captures.
+
+                               By order of
+                  THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
+    [Green Seal.]
+
+This able document, my boy, pleased me greatly as an evidence that the
+war had indeed commenced in earnest; and though at that moment, I
+beheld some half a dozen Confederacies ransacking the tent where the
+general kept his mortgages, his bank account, and other Government
+property, I felt that our foes were about to be summarily dealt with at
+last.
+
+An orderly having finally given notice to the Confederacies rummaging
+within our lines to get to their proper places, in order that the
+battle might begin, the Anatomical Cavalry, under Captain Samyule
+Sa-mith, made a headlong charge upon a body of foes who were destroying
+a bridge near the middle of the field, and succeeded in obliging them
+to remain there. This brilliant movement was the signal for a general
+engagement, and a regiment of Confederacies at once advanced within our
+lines and inquired the way to Washington.
+
+Having given them the desired information, and allowed a number of
+other similar regiments to take a position between the Mackerels and
+the capital, the general gave orders for the Conic Section and the
+Orange County Howitzers to fall cautiously back, in order that the
+remaining Confederacies might get between us and Richmond.
+
+You will perceive that by this movement, my boy, we cut the enemy's
+force completely in two, thus compelling him to attack us either in the
+front or in the rear, and giving him no choice of any other operation
+save flank movements. Our plans being thus perfected, Captain Villiam
+Brown, with Company 3, Regiment 5, was ordered to charge into a wood
+near at hand, with a view to induce some recently-arrived reserve
+Confederacies to take position in our centre, while still others would
+be likely to flank us on the right and left.
+
+You may remember, my boy, that it has heretofore been our misfortune to
+fight on the circumference of a circle, while the Confederacy had the
+inside, and this great strategic scheme was intended to produce a
+result _vice versa_.
+
+It was a great success, my boy--a great success; and our troops
+presently found themselves inside the most complete circle on record.
+Villiam Brown not only charged into the wood, but staid there; and when
+one of the Orange County Howitzers was discharged with great precision
+at a reporter who was caught sneaking into our lines, the report was
+heard by the Venerable Gammon at Washington, causing that revered man
+to telegraph to all the papers, that no one need feel alarmed, as he
+was perfectly safe, and that our victory was very complete.
+
+What particular danger the Venerable Gammon had incurred, I can't say,
+my boy; nor what he knew about the battle; but his dispatch caused
+renewed confidence all over the country, and was a great comfort to his
+friends.
+
+Having got the Confederacies just where he wanted them, the General of
+the Mackerel Brigade now dispatched ten veterans under Sergeant O'Pake
+to attack a few hundred foes who had intrenched themselves in an
+unseemly manner right among our wagons. The Mackerels were well
+received as prisoners of war, and paroled on the spot; a proceeding
+which so greatly pleased the idolized general, that he at once issued
+this second
+
+                              PROCLAMATION.
+
+It must be understood, that in his recent proclamation directing the
+Mackerel Brigade to dine exclusively upon Southern Confederacies, the
+general commanding did not intend that such dining should take place
+without the free consent of aforesaid Confederacies.
+
+It must not be understood that the order concerning the confiscation of
+Confederate garments is intended to authorize a forcible confiscation
+of such costume, in opposition to the free will of the wearers.
+
+By "no lines of retreat being kept open," is meant: no lines of which
+the general commanding was at that time cognizant.
+
+            THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
+
+This admirable order, my boy, produced great enthusiasm in the ranks,
+as no Confederacies had yet been caught, and there was some danger of
+starvation in the _corps_.
+
+And now, my boy, occurred that magnificent piece of generalship which
+is destined to live forever on the annals of fame, and convince the
+world that our military leaders possess a genius eminently fitting
+every one of them for the next Presidency, or any other peaceful
+office. By skillful manoeuvring, the gifted General of the Mackerel
+Brigade had succeeded in cutting the enemy's force to pieces, the
+pieces being mixed up with our own army. Then came the words: "Forward,
+double-quick!"
+
+Facing toward Washington, our vanguard forced the Confederacies before
+them to move right ahead. Swiftly following the vanguard, and evidently
+fancying that it was flying before them, came a regiment of
+Confederacies. Pursuing the latter, as though in triumph, appeared the
+Conic Section, Mackerel Brigade; closely succeeded in its turn by a
+regiment of Confederacies in charge of our baggage-wagons; racing after
+whom was a regiment of Mackerels; and so on to the end of the line.
+
+You may ask me, my boy, with which side rested the victory in this
+remarkable movement?
+
+That question, my boy, cannot be decided yet, as the whole procession
+has scarcely reached Washington; but the answer may be said to depend
+very much upon whether the last regiment coming in is Mackerel or
+Confederate.
+
+The contest, my boy, has assumed a profound metaphysical aspect, and
+the development of a little more military genius on our own side will
+tend to utterly confound our enemies and--everybody else.
+
+                                               Yours, ponderingly,
+                                                        ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                             LETTER LXVIII.
+
+  INTRODUCING ONCE MORE THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB, WITH A CURIOUS
+      "LAMENT," AND A STORY FROM THE SPANISH MEMBER.
+
+
+                                 WASHINGTON, D. C., September 9th, 1862.
+
+You may remember, my boy, that some months ago there was a trespass of
+depraved burglarious chaps at Wheatland, the seat of Ex-President
+Buchanan. The matter might have slipped my own mind, had not the
+British member of the Cosmopolitan, last night, read aloud the
+following memorandum of the thing, found in a deserted Confederate camp
+on the Rappahannock. The Briton waved his hand for silence, and says he:
+
+                LAMENT.
+
+      BY A CHEVALIER D'INDUSTRIE
+
+  It really seems as if the trick
+    Of this here game, secession,
+  Was bound to bring disgrace upon
+    Each wirtuous profession.
+
+  The days of chivalry are gone,
+    When gentlemen wos plucky,
+  And sooner'd starve than lower themselves
+    To make their swag and lucky.
+
+  Why, when I wos a little prig,
+    And took the junior branches,
+  We all looked down upon the chap
+    That traveled vulgar ranches.
+
+  It wos beneath a gentleman
+    To stoop to vulgar stealin's;
+  And when I see how things is changed,
+    It really hurts my feelin's.
+
+  We had some dignity, you see,
+    And upper circles knew it;
+  For if a thing wos wicious mean,
+    We wos too proud to do it!
+
+  The crib that wos respectable
+    Among the higher classes,
+  We cracked in style, like gentlemen.
+    And took the spoons and glasses.
+
+  But when a crib wos something low--
+    An author's, or a preacher's--
+  We had too much of self-respect
+    To recognize the creatures.
+
+  If taking watches wos the lay,
+    Or handkerchers, or purses,
+  We never noticed wulgar nobs,
+    Nor wictims of rewerses.
+
+  But things is changed since Johnny died,
+    And our profession's fallen
+  So werry low, it really ain't
+    A gentlemanly callin'.
+
+  There's some as once wos gentlemen
+    When cracksmen's art was balmy,
+  Now shame us all by fig'ring as
+    Contractors for the army!
+
+  What wonder, when our former pal,
+    A vulgar, sneakin' knave is,
+  They hang our pictures in a row
+    With Floyd, and Cobb, and Davis?
+
+  But just as if this wa'n't enough
+    To make us hide our faces,
+  A man we once look'd up to, all,
+    Must add to our disgraces;
+
+  A base, degenerate, shameless cove
+    Has sullied our profession,
+  By stoopin' to a lay that is
+    Depraved beyond expression.
+
+  He's activally come and went--
+    The werry thought's unmannin'--
+  He's activally gone and robbed
+    Ex-President Buchanan!
+
+Alas! my boy, there is naught so fallen in humanity, but it may become
+still more depraved. I have known members of State Legislatures to be
+finally elected Congressmen. After the above _chanson_ had been read,
+the Spanish member gave us his story of
+
+
+                          DON BOBADIL BANCO;
+
+                        OR, WHO OWNS THE BABY?
+
+"I always respect a man who drinks good Port, especially if he
+frequently invites me to take dinner with him, and hence I have
+selected as my hero, a gallant Spaniard, whose fondness for the
+delicious juice was never doubted.
+
+"Don Bobadil Banco was a gentleman of good family, who graduated with
+honor at Salamanca, and retired from thence to Madrid, in company with
+a fellow student named Don Philip Funesca. The erudite pair hired
+lodgings in an aristocratic part of the city, and after much delay,
+installed one Dame Margy as their housekeeper, cook, and chambermaid,
+being resolved to husband their scanty resources until, by coming of
+age, they could inherit the estates and fortunes of their fathers.
+
+"It is to be presumed that the friends entered society and made
+consummate fools of themselves, as very young men generally do when
+they first mingle with ladies; but as that period of their career can
+possess very little novelty for most people, I shall only favor it with
+this passing notice, and at once introduce the gallant pair as they
+appeared on the ---- night, in the month of ----, in the year of our
+Lord ----, at -- o'clock.
+
+"In a very small room, before a very small window, was standing a very
+small table, at the side of which were two very shabby chairs, on which
+were seated two very young men; and as it was growing very dark, two
+very small candles, in two very small candlesticks, were placed on the
+very small table, in company with two very small decanters, filled with
+very cheap Port, and two very old goblets, of very dirty pewter.
+
+"The two very young men remained very still for a very long time, save
+when they made very long applications to the very old goblets of very
+cheap Port; and as you must be very anxious to know whether these very
+young men were very ugly or very good looking, I shall be very happy to
+profit by this very opportune state of things, and give a very concise
+description of their personal charms.
+
+"Don Bobadil was very tall, very thin, with very long black hair, very
+small black eyes; very yellow complexion, very good teeth, and was
+dressed very foppishly.
+
+"Don Philip was very short, very fat, with very long brown hair, very
+large brown eyes, very fair complexion, very large mouth, and was
+plainly attired.
+
+"They both looked very happy, and drank very often.
+
+"'Well, Philip,' said Bobadil, at length, 'a bachelor's life, in
+Madrid, is not quite so charming as in Salamanca; upon my word I have
+almost become a limb of society, and it will prove a sad dismemberment
+when I go to my father's villa. These gay senoritas have so completely
+infatuated me, that I am never happy out of their company, and when I
+think of leaving them altogether, it makes me really miserable,' and
+the Don consoled himself with a huge swallow of wine.
+
+"'I perfectly agree with you,' answered Don Philip, 'and dread the idea
+of leaving the dear charmers without making one of them a prisoner.'
+
+"'We must have more gold soon,' said Bobadil, gloomily, taking a goblet
+of Port.
+
+"'You speak truly, my friend. Our purses are growing very light, and
+nothing but wealthy wives will make them heavy. How unjust is the
+decree that makes us wait until we are older before we can help
+ourselves to the treasures of our families. Here are nearly thirty
+hairs upon my chin, and yet the grim old hidalgoes call me a boy yet.
+Sancta Maria! I should like to cross swords with some of those shaking
+grandees, just to convince them that I have the strength of a man, if I
+have not his years.'
+
+"'The wish is perfectly natural, Don Philip, yet it can do us no good
+at present, when our last flagons of wine stand before us, and Dame
+Margy grows clamorous for her dues,' said Bobadil, imbibing large
+draughts of grape juice.
+
+"'_O, beatissimo, neustra Senora!_ Don't dwell on unpleasant facts, Don
+Bobadil,' responded the other; 'we must replenish our treasures, and
+the means to do it should be our present consideration. We must marry
+stores of maravedis.'
+
+"'That is coming to the point, my dear friend, and your words are
+worthy of a sage; but, my dear Philip, to tell the truth, I dread
+marriage for one reason, namely: that, by engaging in it, one becomes
+liable to incur responsibilities known as babies. I do hate those noisy
+little nuisances as I hate the devil, and, to have one constantly
+squalling in my ears, would soon make a madman of me,' and our hero
+drank heartily of liquor.
+
+"'I will allow the truth of what you say,' replied Philip; 'the cry of
+an infant is not quite as musical as the harp of Orpheus. Still, it is
+better to endure such annoyance than to go about with empty purses, and
+when one who is poor desires to have money, he must endure matrimony,
+or become a rogue. Now there is Lisette, ready to fall into my arms at
+any moment, and bring me a long purse; but I will never leave you a
+bachelor, though I starve.'
+
+"Tears arose involuntarily to the eyes of Bobadil, as his friend spoke
+thus disinterestedly, and, after holding a cup of wine to his lips for
+some moments, he answered:
+
+"'My dear fellow, you are a sage and I am a fool. You shall not starve
+for me though I have to become the father of five hundred little imps
+to save you. Yes, dear Philip, I will sacrifice myself upon the altar
+of friendship, and become a victim of Hymen.' Here the emotions of the
+Spaniard became so violent that a large quantity of Port wine was
+necessary to prevent syncope.
+
+"Don Philip started from his seat, and eyed his friend with every mark
+of unbounded surprise.
+
+"'Can you do it soon?' he asked hurriedly.
+
+"'Before another pair of days have shown their tails above the tide of
+time,' answered Bobadil with poetic fervor, having recourse to the
+decanter containing Port.
+
+"'My dear friend, you must be drunk.'
+
+"'No, Don Philip, I am sober as a monument.'
+
+"'Has some fair sonora smiled upon you?'
+
+"'Not only has she smiled upon me, but she has actually laughed at me.
+Port would never intoxicate me.'
+
+"'_Per Dio!_ I never heard of this before, Bobadil.'
+
+"'Nevertheless, Don Philip, it is true as a _pater_. My pride would not
+allow me to mention my case to you, until I became successful in my
+suit; and when that was decided, I waited until you should be similarly
+circumstanced, and we might marry together. Your frequent absence from
+our lodgings, at night, aroused my suspicions, and I resolved to find
+out your secret before imparting mine. Now that you have named your
+mistress, I will acknowledge that I, also, have one, whose name is
+Leonora, and I intend to make her my wife, when you lead Lisette to the
+altar.'
+
+"'I am rejoiced to hear you speak thus,' answered Don Philip, 'and
+Lisette will partake of my joy; but, tell me, Bobadil, will you gain
+wealth by this union?'
+
+"'Gold enough to build a second Escurial, my dear Philip. Leonora is
+the daughter of a rich Jew, and can show more maravedis than the
+Infanta of Spain.'
+
+"'Better and better. But how is it that her father will allow her to
+wed a Catholic?' inquired Philip.
+
+"'He is not to be consulted in the matter at all. I may as well relate
+the circumstances of our acquaintance, and you will at once perceive
+that the Israelite's consent is not required. Two weeks ago, I was
+passing a small house not far from the Plaza del Rio, and, chancing to
+look up, beheld the face of a beautiful Senora looking from a window.
+Our glances met, whereupon she drew back with a blush, and I gallantly
+kissed the tip of my glove. Although she immediately drew shut the
+lattice, I fancied, from her look, that she was not displeased with my
+conduct, and set about finding out who she was. I soon ascertained that
+her father was a rich Jew, named Miguel, that his wife was dead, and
+that he lived with his daughter and a wrinkled duenna, whom he had
+enlisted to watch Leonora. Much as I despise Jews, the beauty of
+Leonora had sunk into my heart, and I resolved to have an interview
+with her, though our most Holy Church, should excommunicate me for it.
+Accordingly, I passed the house every day for a week, and each time the
+lady withdrew from the window with a blush, as I saluted her. This
+encouraged me to scrape acquaintance with the pythoness who guarded
+her, and by means of several small bribes, I was at length admitted to
+a private interview with Leonora. My idol was coy at first, but after
+one or two stolen visits, she returned my passion in an honorable way,
+and will become my bride whenever it may please me to carry her off
+from her old thief of a father.'
+
+"'But the Jew has all the gold,' said Don Philip, despondingly.
+
+"'Not so,' replied Bobadil. 'My angel has a fortune of her own locked
+up in a trunk, and I shall take good care to secure it in the first
+place.'
+
+"His friend's countenance was lighted by a smile, but it passed away as
+he again spoke--
+
+"'Our priests will never consent to your marriage with a Jewess.'
+
+"'What an owl you are,' retorted Don Bobadil; 'Leonora shall pass for
+as good a Catholic as the Pope himself.'
+
+"'My dear friend, you delight me!' exclaimed Don Philip, springing from
+his seat and embracing Bobadil; 'let us then make ourselves and our
+mistresses happy at once--this very night! You can go after Leonora
+while I seek Lisette.'
+
+"Our hero found it necessary to take a drink of something after this
+proposition, and then responded:
+
+"'Spoken like a Spaniard and a gentleman; I will go to the house of
+Miguel and bring the trunk of treasure from thence--that, you know,
+should be secured first. After bringing it hither I will go back after
+Leonora, and when next we meet I shall be a married man.'
+
+"'Do so, Don Bobadil,' returned Philip, 'and I will, in like manner,
+gain the fortune and hand of Lisette. Let us hasten, my friend, and we
+shall be independently wealthy before morning.'
+
+"Together they drank the remainder of the wine, and having given
+certain orders to Dame Margy, left the house, each taking a different
+route.
+
+"It rained in torrents, when my hero wrapped his long cloak about him
+and set out. The tormenting drops ran the length of his nose and poured
+into his bosom, they crawled damply down his boots, they trickled
+grievously into his ears, they clung to his long black hair, and soaked
+through his sombrero; yet did the brave Spaniard press onward, as a
+hero advances to the breastworks amid a storm of shot and shells. Love
+had cast its thickest blanket about his heart, and a flame burned
+glaringly there that nothing but matrimony and maravedis could quench.
+Arriving in front of his mistress's abode, my hero picked up a handful
+of sand, and threw it lightly against a window pane, such being the
+signal by which he was to make known his presence when Miguel was at
+home. Almost immediately a lattice was opened, and a woman's head,
+ornamented with a scarlet cap _de nuit_ was thrust out.
+
+"'Who's that?' demanded the duenna, snappishly.
+
+"'It's only me,' responded Don Bobadil, in low tones.
+
+"'And who's _me_?' asked the amiable woman.
+
+"'Don Bobadil Banco.'
+
+"'Don Bobadil Banco had better go home, if he don't want to have his
+head broken with a flowerpot,' snarled the duenna.
+
+"'Now, my dear Laura.'
+
+"'Don't 'dear' me! Are you drunk?'
+
+"'I must see Donna Leonora,' said Bobadil.
+
+"'You _are_ drunk!' screamed the lady.
+
+"'No, I am not; but, pray, make less noise, my good Laura, or you will
+have the alguazils about my ears. Tell your lady that I am here, and
+you shall have a purse of ducats.'
+
+"'Oh! ah! I will,' replied the mercenary woman, retiring quickly from
+the window and again closing the lattice.
+
+"The adventurous Spaniard stood in soak for half an hour, at the end of
+which Dame Laura, cautiously admitted him at the door, and he soon
+knelt before his mistress. Donna Leonora was a charming little
+brunette, with raven curls and sparkling black eyes full of mirth.
+
+"'Sancta Maria! what is the matter, Don Bobadil?' she exclaimed, eyeing
+the kneeling personage with surprise.
+
+"'Dearest Leonora, idol of my heart!' replied Bobadil, clasping her
+waist, 'here on my knees let me implore you to become mine forever, and
+make me happier than the angels. Recent events, which I cannot explain
+at present, have rendered it necessary for me to thus intrude upon you
+at an unseasonable hour, and implore that your promise to become my
+bride may be at once fulfilled.'
+
+"'But this is so sudden,' murmured the lady.
+
+"'Pardon my haste, dear Leonora,' answered Don Bobadil. 'I know how
+exquisitely sensitive your nature is; but heaven destined us for each
+other, and when I leave you, I leave a part of myself.'
+
+"'The gentleman speaks wisely,' interrupted the duenna. 'Your father
+has smoked his opium and will sleep until after meridian to-morrow. Go
+with Don Bobadil, Senora, and Miguel shall learn all from me when he
+awakes.'
+
+"Leonora resisted for awhile; but her objections were speedily
+overcome, and she at length yielded to the combined entreaties of her
+lover, and subtle reasoning of her mercenary duenna. Such is love.
+
+"'Here is a load for you, Senor,' said the latter personage, pointing
+to a chest studded with brass nails that stood near. 'Carry it off as
+quickly as possible, and return for your mistress when you have placed
+her fortune in a safe place.'
+
+"Our hero at once acceded to plans so consonant with his own, and after
+embracing the Senorita, he seized the chest and hastened with it to his
+lodgings. It was a heavy load for one man, and the rain still poured
+furiously down; but the lover danced on like a feather before the
+vagrant zephyrs of spring, and soon deposited his precious freight in
+the room where he had lately held converse with Don Philip. This done,
+he hastened back to the house of Don Miguel, impatient to secure his
+fair bride; but Dame Laura met him at the door, with her fingers
+pressed upon her lips, and her form barring his further progress.
+
+"'Hist! not a word!' she whispered cautiously. 'The Jew was aroused by
+the noise you made descending the stairs, and would not be satisfied
+until he had searched the house with a candle in one hand and a drawn
+sword in the other. He is quiet now, and if not again disturbed, will
+soon sleep again. Return to your lodgings, and when Miguel slumbers, I
+will hasten thither with my lady. Not a word! Go!'
+
+"Conquering his impatience, Don Bobadil thrust a purse of slim
+proportions into the bony hand of his confidante, and turned into the
+street without breathing a syllable.
+
+"As he ascended the stairs to his own room, the sound of voices fell
+upon his ear, and fearing for the safety of his treasure, he rushed
+headlong into the apartment with his sword drawn and a determination to
+slaughter the intruders. His anger was soon turned to pleasure, when he
+beheld Don Philip seated beside a very pretty female, whose hands he
+held in his own, and whose ringletted head rested upon his shoulder,
+with an air of familiarity that would have been the death of any old
+maid, whose sight could have been blighted by such a scene. He also
+noticed a chest somewhat smaller than the one he had obtained by right
+of seizure, standing near the window, and felt doubly happy in the
+conviction that his friend had brought home something more substantial
+than a wife.
+
+"'Lisette, this is my friend, Don Bobadil Banco,' said Don Philip,
+leading the lady forward and presenting her. 'This, Don Bobadil, is my
+wife, and though she has no proud title, I shall be proud to present
+her to my family as one worthy of a gentleman's affection.'
+
+"'My dear Philip, allow me to congratulate you on the possession of a
+lady, who, if her virtue equals her beauty, must indeed be an angel,'
+and our hero bowed with his accustomed courtesy to the blushing
+Senorita.
+
+"'But where is the mistress, of whom you boasted a short time since?'
+asked Philip, glancing towards the door, as though expecting to behold
+a fourth person. 'I supposed that I should find her here with a priest.'
+
+"'The Jew took me for a thief, and woke up, or Donna Leonora would be
+here now. But her duenna has promised to bring her hither soon and we
+must have patience.'
+
+"'Then take a seat, Don Bobadil, and I will relate the manner in which
+I became possessed of Lisette, for I know you are dying to hear it,
+though your pride hides your curiosity. While we were at Salamanca, I
+became acquainted with a poor orphan girl, who won my heart by her
+beauty and virtuous conduct. Other students saw and admired her; but
+their admiration was not such as honor sanctioned, and the girl left
+the place, preferring a strange place with quiet, to a home in which
+she was constantly subject to insult and annoyance. At the time I knew
+not the reasons for her sudden departure, and it filled me with sorrow.
+I hid my feelings from you, however, fearing that your disposition for
+mirth might lead you to make a butt of me. I came hither with you, and
+beheld many fair ladies, but to none did my heart incline, and the fair
+orphan of Salamanca remained mistress of my thoughts. About a week
+after our arrival in Madrid, you went to a ball one evening, leaving me
+to comfort Dame Margy until you came back. Not much liking such
+company, I strolled forth to the grand plazza and entered a theatre
+with the crowd. Numerous familiar faces appeared in various parts of
+the building, and while I went about to greet my friends, the play was
+commenced. I believe I should not have looked upon the stage at all, so
+busily was I engaged, had not the tones of a voice made me start back
+in amazement, and look wildly toward the performers. Near the centre of
+the stage, clad in the costume of her _role_, and bowing in a flowery
+train, was a form and face that sent the blood hurtling through my
+veins like molten lead. After standing like one petrified for some
+moments, I suddenly quitted the boxes, and gained admittance behind the
+scenes. I had not been mistaken; the orphan of Salamanca and the
+actress of Madrid were one. I need not tell an ardent lover like
+yourself the effect of such a meeting; it is sufficient to say, that
+Lisette bade farewell to the stage, whither necessity had forced her,
+and took from thence a liberal compensation. Such is the history of my
+amour, Don Bobadil; and, as we each have caskets at hand, I propose
+that we become acquainted with their contents.'
+
+"'Donna Leonora owns the one I brought hither, and it may displease her
+should I open it,' answered our hero.
+
+"'Not at all, my friend; she is to be your wife before morning, and
+what belongs to your wife belongs equally to you.'
+
+"'Oh! very well,' responded Bobadil.
+
+"'I will display the riches of Lisette first to encourage you, and you
+may follow with the dowry of Senora Leonora,' said Don Philip, taking
+off the lid of the second chest.
+
+"Our hero looked on in surprise, as his friend displayed its contents,
+and his pride made him tremble, lest his own portion should prove less
+costly. There were gorgeous robes, satin slippers, magnificent
+ornaments of gold, sparkling brilliants, bracelets, necklaces, and
+brooches, set with rubies, emeralds, and diamonds, a tiara sparkling
+like a constellation of midnight stars, and an immense leather bag
+filled with valuable coins.
+
+"'Why, Don Philip, you have all the riches of Indus here!' exclaimed
+Don Bobadil, opening wide his eyes in astonishment.
+
+"'So much for your discrimination, Bobadil,' returned Philip. 'These
+robes belong to an actress' wardrobe, and are more gaudy than valuable.
+These rubies, emeralds, and diamonds are pieces of colored and crystal
+glass, intended to dazzle unsophisticated eyes, but nearly worthless to
+the jeweler; the gold setting is worth its weight in brass, and these
+coins alone are genuine. But let us now look upon your dowry, my
+friend, when, I doubt not, that we shall be made to wink by the glitter
+of pure gems and true metal.'
+
+"As Don Bobadil listened to the explanations of his friend, his eyes
+glistened, and at the conclusion he walked proudly towards his chest,
+with a feeling of conscious superiority.
+
+"'I will not boast,' he said, haughtily; 'but Jews are not overfond of
+tinsel, and my mistress's robes have not a value peculiar to the
+dimly-lighted stage,' so saying, he threw back the cover of his
+treasure casket.
+
+"A shade of disappointment rested upon his features at the first view,
+but he disdained to give it utterance, and carelessly threw aside a
+robe of cheap material, trimmed with imitation ermine. But, alas, the
+next was a garment of scarlet, with bells attached to the skirt; then
+one of green, with faded tinsel ornaments; another of white flannel,
+with tarnished silver lace stars about the waist.
+
+"During this exhibition, Lisette was apparently endeavoring to swallow
+her handkerchief, while Don Philip looked anxiously toward the ceiling,
+as though its intricate pattern had suddenly become an object of
+absorbing interest.
+
+"Sternly did Don Bobadil delve into his mine of female apparel,
+expecting soon to strike a vein of monstrous diamonds with a mosaic of
+gold. He reaches it at last! Yes, there it is! Mark his glance of pride
+and exultation as he says:
+
+"'Don Philip, will you assist me? The Jew's ducats are very heavy, and
+the bag containing them rather larger than a Senora's night-cap.'
+
+"Don Philip did as he was desired, when suddenly our hero dropped his
+end of the bag, with a cry more piercing than that of an enraged hyena.
+Oh shades of _Mater Money!_ _Por vida del diablo!_ The bag _moved_,
+there came a cry, and there appeared in the opening of its leather
+covering _the head of a baby_!
+
+"'Oh, Holy Virgin! Thunder and lightning! Fire! Murder! I'm lost,
+tormented, tortured, cheated! Cruel Leonora! Infamous woman! d--d old
+duenna!' roared the unhappy Bobadil, stamping and steaming like an
+infuriated tea-pot.
+
+"'Be calm, my dear friend, I pray you be calm,' cried Don Philip,
+vainly endeavoring to conquer his mirth, while Lisette rolled on the
+floor in a paroxysm of laughter.
+
+"'Don't tell me to be calm!' bellowed Bobadil. 'Look there! My horror,
+detestation, abhorrence--_a baby!_ Hear it squeal! I'll strangle the
+cursed little fiend! Oh, oh, oh!--diablo!'
+
+"'You will arouse the neighborhood.'
+
+"'What do I care! I'm betrayed, swindled, ruined, seduced! Stab me,
+shoot me, make a bloody corpse of me. Kill that baby, or I'll make your
+wife an orphan!'
+
+"'What's all this?' asked Dame Margy, darting into the apartment and
+holding up her hands in wild astonishment.
+
+"'Don't you hear it yell?' howled Bobadil, tearing out his hair by
+handfulls. 'It's a baby!'
+
+"Dame Margy came very near fainting, and Lisette was obliged to go to
+her assistance, while Don Philip approached his enraged friend and
+succeeded in soothing him.
+
+"'Act like a man,' he said, 'and take measures to punish the
+perpetrator of the infamous outrage. The baby is a poor innocent little
+thing, and Lisette will attend to it. Lisette, look after the baby!
+Now, Don Bobadil, repress your emotions.'
+
+"The retired actress obeyed her intended husband with alacrity,
+assisted by Dame Margy, who was fully revived, and our hero burst into
+tears.
+
+"'Oh, Philip!' he blubbered, 'miserable wretch, that I am, what shall I
+do? That infamous woman will be here in a moment, and I know not how to
+act. Oh! curse that baby!'
+
+"'Woman's wit shall aid you,' said the hitherto silent Lisette, after
+whispering to Dame Margy, who immediately left the apartment. 'Don
+Bobadil, you must assume the attire of your housekeeper, and leave
+Philip and me to account for your supposed absence, when Donna Leonora
+arrives.'
+
+"As she finished speaking, the old housekeeper returned with a
+promiscuous assortment of female garments, and before our hero had time
+to resist, he presented the appearance of a stout old lady.
+
+'Don't speak a word,' said Don Philip, placing an immense bonnet and
+veil upon his head, 'you must pass for Dame Margy, and leave me to
+settle with your cruel mistress.'
+
+"Though not quite satisfied with this arrangement, Don Bobadil accepted
+in silence, especially as the sound of approaching footsteps fell upon
+his ear, as they tumbled him to a distant seat.
+
+"Dame Margy fled through an opposite door just as two figures, deeply
+veiled, entered the apartment.
+
+"'Holy Virgin! who has rifled my chest? And where is Don Bobadil?'
+exclaimed Leonora, clasping her hands.
+
+"'Lady,' said Don Philip, advancing to meet her with much dignity, 'as
+the friend of Don Bobadil Banco, it is my duty to inform you that he
+has discovered ALL, and left Madrid forever.'
+
+"'All!' exclaimed the lady and duenna in a breath.
+
+"'Yes, senora, my friend hates babies!'
+
+"Like two agitated fawns, Leonora and her attendant dropped their veils
+and sprang to the side of the chest.
+
+"'Why!--what--who has done this?' exclaimed the fair Jewess, quivering
+like an aspen leaf.
+
+"'You, lady, can best answer that question.'
+
+"'It is false! My whole fortune was in that chest! I am cheated,
+deceived, ruined!'
+
+"'Peace! infamous woman!' thundered Don Bobadil, no longer able to
+restrain his rage, and darting toward her. But he stepped upon his
+skirts, and pitched headlong to the floor.
+
+"'Do I dream?' murmured Leonora in affright.
+
+"'You do not,' screamed our hero, tucking his petticoats under his
+arms, and tearing off the veil that concealed his face. 'Behold! false
+one! behold! Don Bobadil Banco!'
+
+"'Dear Bobadil, you would not kill me?'
+
+"'No, Leonora, you shall live to repent of this. Take that wretched
+baby to its father, or I will strangle it before your eyes.'
+
+"'By the God we all worship, I swear I never saw the child before!'
+exclaimed Leonora, looking solemnly upward.
+
+"Her air of truthfulness carried conviction with it, and Bobadil stood
+like one thunderstruck; but soon a new expression fell upon his
+countenance, and he turned gravely to the duenna.
+
+"'Perhaps _you_ own the--the baby!'
+
+"'You're a nasty dirty beast!' retorted the chaste creature, rushing
+from the room like a ricochetting shot.
+
+"'I can answer for the innocence of Laura,' said Leonora, calmly.
+
+"Rebuked by her dignified manner, our hero mentally exonerated her from
+all blame; yet there was the baby, screaming lustily, and no other
+valuables were found in the chest.
+
+"'Forgive me, if I have wronged you,' he said, penitently, 'I judged
+too quickly; but then I took those gaudy robes from yonder chest,
+and--_who owns the baby?_'
+
+"'I see how it is,' said Donna Leonora composedly, turning toward the
+door, 'you have adopted this plan to rob me of the little fortune I
+possessed. I would willingly incur a much greater loss to escape from
+such a monster. Keep my gold, Don Bobadil, and say you become a better
+man.'
+
+"Our hero stood motionless, involved in a maze of doubts and fears; and
+the lady was about departing, when Lisette suddenly sprang forward, and
+prevented her.
+
+"'Stop, lady!' she exclaimed, 'the trick has gone far enough--_I own
+the baby!_'
+
+"'Lisette speaks truly, and _I am the baby's father!_' said Don Philip,
+grasping the hand of our perplexed hero.
+
+"'Villain!' exclaimed Bobadil, feeling for his sword.
+
+"'Wretch!' screamed Leonora, feeling for her handkerchief.
+
+"'I humbly crave your mercy, until you have heard my story,' replied
+Don Philip, coolly placing his arm about the waist of his Lisette.
+'This lady,' he continued, 'is my _wife_, and has been such for two
+years. I have kept my secret thus rigidly, that it should not reach the
+ears of my family until I had arrived at man's estate; but when you
+determined to take a wife I resolved to make you my confidant. While
+you were at the house of Miguel to-night, I brought my wife and _baby_
+hither, wishing to surprise you at your return. I found your chest
+filled with the riches I afterwards showed you as the property of an
+actress, and prompted by a spirit of mirth, I exchanged its contents
+for those of our own. Knowing your hostility to babies, I placed the
+young _Bobadil_ in your casket also, and had you taken notice of small
+things, you would have observed that I left the lid partly open. It's
+only a reminiscence of college trickery, my dear Bobadil, and if it has
+given offence, behold the culprit at your feet.'
+
+"The friendly smile of his friend and the imploring glance of Lisette,
+completely overcame our hero's resentment, and he extended his hand in
+all gentleness; then turning quickly to the silent, though smiling
+Leonora, he fell at her feet, exclaiming:
+
+"'Dear lady, we are both victims of our friend's frolic, and there
+should be no anger between us. I do dislike babies so much, that the
+sight of one makes me desperate; but now that all is explained, I hope
+you will forgive me.'
+
+"The lady smiled so encouragingly upon him, that he soon stood face to
+face--I mean lips to lips--with her.
+
+"'Let us seek a priest,' said Don Philip, with solemnity.
+
+"How this proposition was received, may be assumed from the fact that
+Dame Margy soon locked up an empty house. How Miguel the Jew conducted
+when he awoke next morning; how the families of our friends received
+the news of their scions' marriages, and how the young gentlemen felt
+themselves, are matters not explained by history; but it is certain
+that Don Bobadil and Don Philip were never again in want of ducats, and
+it is also certain that if any one wished to see an angry man, he could
+be gratified by eyeing the youngest Banco in a suspicious manner, and
+asking in mysterious tones--'_Who owns the Baby?_'"
+
+At the conclusion of this exemplary Spanish tale, my boy, we
+"adjourned" our slumbers to Willard's.
+
+                                               Yours, drowsily,
+                                                        ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LXIX.
+
+  ILLUSTRATING THE IMPERTURBABLE CALMNESS OF THE NATIONAL CAPITOL,
+      AND NOTING THE MEMORABLE INVASION OF ACCOMAC.
+
+
+                                WASHINGTON, D. C., September 12th, 1862.
+
+As I sit looking out of my window, my boy, on the street below, and
+notice how tranquilly all things are going on here, despite the
+excitement of the time, a deep sense of satisfaction steals over me,
+and the American Eagle of patriotic pride flaps his breezy pinions on
+the oak tree of my heart. Though I have just been laughing myself
+almost sick at the ludicrous manner in which my friend, the
+Confederacy, has walked right straight into the cunning trap prepared
+for his destruction by our own noble and profound generals, actually
+hastening his own annihilation by rushing blindly through our lines,
+and capturing the twenty or thirty artful villages, towns, and
+garrisons left there for the express purpose of tempting him to his
+dreadful doom--though I have just been splitting my sides over this
+roaring case of ridiculous suicide, my boy, the city of Washington
+still maintains its calmness! Ever conscious that conquer we must, for
+our cause it is just, this city remains as placid as a summer dream;
+nearly all the liquor-shops doing a good business through the day, and
+the evening finding a majority of our army officers at their posts.
+
+Lamp-posts, my boy.
+
+There is something touchingly grand in the calmness of Washington under
+such circumstances, and it reminds me of a pleasing little incident in
+the Sixth Ward.
+
+There was a female millinery establishment on the third floor of a
+building composed principally of stairs, fed with frequent small rooms,
+and the expatriated French comtesse, who realized fashionable bonnets
+there, used one of her windows to display her wares. At this window, my
+boy, she always kept a young woman of much bloom and symmetry, with the
+latest Style on her head, and an expression of unutterable smile on her
+face. A young chap carrying a trumpet in the Fire Department happened
+to notice that this angel of fashion was always at the window when he
+went by; and as the thought that she particularly admired his personal
+charms crept over him, he at once adopted the plan of passing by every
+day, attired in the garments best calculated to render fire-going
+manhood most beautiful to the eye. He donned a vest representing in
+detail the Sydenham flower-show on a yellow ground, wore inexpressibles
+representing innumerable black serpents ascending white columns,
+assumed a neck-tie concentrating all the highest glories of the Aurora
+Borealis, mounted two breast-pins and three studs torn from some
+glass-house, and wore a hat that slanted on his head in an engaging and
+intelligent manner. Day after day he passed before the millinery
+establishment, my boy, still beholding the beloved object at the
+window, and occasionally placing his hand upon his heart in such a way
+as to show a large and gorgeous seal-ring containing the hair of a
+fellow-fireman who had caught such a cold at a great fire that he died
+some years after. "How cam she is!" says he to himself, "and she's as
+pretty as ninety's new hose-carriage. It seems to me," says the young
+chap to himself, stooping down to roll up the other leg of his
+pants--"it seems to me that I never see anything so cam. She observes
+my daily agoing and yet she don't so much as send somebody down to see
+if there's any overcoats in the front entry."
+
+One day, my boy, a venerable Irish gentleman, keeping a boarding-house
+and ice-cream saloon in the basement of the establishment, happened to
+go to sleep on the stairs with a lighted camphene lamp in his hand, and
+pretty soon the bells were ringing for a conflagration in that
+district. Immediately our gallant firemen were on their way to the
+spot; and having first gone through forty-two streets on the other side
+of the city to wake the people up there and apprise them of their great
+danger, reached the dreadful scene, and instantly began to extinguish
+the flames by bringing all the furniture out of a house not more than
+three blocks below. In the midst of these self-sacrificing efforts, a
+form was seen to dart into the burning building like a spectre. It was
+the enamored young chap who carried a trumpet in the department. He had
+seen the beloved object sitting at the window, as usual, and was bent
+upon saving her, even though he missed the exciting fight around the
+corner. Reaching the millinery-room door, he could see the object
+standing there in the midst of a sea of fire. "How cam she is," says
+he. "Miss Milliner," says he, "don't you see you're all in a blaze?"
+But still she stood at the window in all her calmness. The devoted
+young chap turned to a fellow-fireman who was just then selecting two
+spring bonnets and some ribbon for his wife, in order to save them from
+the flames, and says he: "Jakey, what shall I do?" But Jakey was at
+that time picking out some artificial flowers for his youngest
+daughter, my boy, and made no answer. Unable to reach the devoted maid,
+and rendered desperate by the thought that she must be asleep in the
+midst of her danger, the frantic young chap madly hurled his trumpet at
+her. It struck her, and actually _knocked her head off_! Horrified at
+what he had done, the excited chap called himself a miserable wretch,
+and was led out by the collar. It was Jakey who did this deed of
+kindness, and says he: "What's the matter with you, my covey?" The poor
+young chap wrung his hands, and says he: "I've killed her, Jakey, I've
+killed her--and she so cam." Jakey took some tobacco, and then says he:
+"Why, that was only a pasteboard gal, you poor devil." And so it was,
+my boy--so it was; but the affair had such an effect upon the young
+chap that he at once took to drinking, and when delirium tremens marked
+him for its own, his last words were: "I've killed her, Jakey, I've
+killed her--and she so cam."
+
+Washington, my boy, is "cam" in the midst of a conflagration. That is
+to say, the Government is "cam," they say; and it may be doubted
+whether it would be otherwise, even with its head knocked off.
+
+The other day, I paid another visit to the Mackerel camp across the
+river, and was present at a meeting of officers called to debate upon
+the propriety of presenting a sword to the beloved general, for his
+heroism in the late great battle. Captain Samyule Sa-mith was in favor
+of the presentation, and says he: "Our inimitable leader, which is the
+admiration of everybody, richly deserves the blade in question. In the
+thickest of that deadly fray, his coat-tails were torn entirely off by
+a parrot shell."
+
+Captain Villiam Brown placed the bottle on the table again, and says he:
+
+"At which joint were the tails amputated, Samyule?"
+
+Samyule took a little more sugar with his, and says he:
+
+"Close to the buttons."
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, "which way was the conqueror's face turned at the
+time?"
+
+"I can't say," says Samyule; "but I don't see what that has to do with
+it."
+
+"That's because you have a feeble intelleck, Samyule," says Villiam,
+mildly. "The human form," says Villiam, reasoningly, "has such
+variations of surface, that a projectile hurled at it in a straight
+line, cannot simply graze it to any extent without making a wound in
+some place. The coat-tails of the human form," says Villiam, lucidly,
+"could not without injury to that form be severed at the buttons by a
+ball, unless they were _sticking straight out_ at the instant; and it
+is important that the United States of America should know whether the
+face of the wearer was turned toward the Southern Confederacy, or in an
+opposite direction, at the exact moment of the disaster."
+
+The electrifying wisdom of this thoughtful speech, my boy, had the
+effect to produce an immediate adjournment of the general's friends;
+for when the test of anatomy is applied to a man's bravery, that
+bravery becomes a mere matter of form.
+
+The general, my boy, is the idol of his Mackerel children, and as our
+armies slowly advance to deal the death-blow to this impious rebellion,
+it will be proved that he was not responsible for a single one of the
+mistakes he has made, and could have taken Richmond long ago, but for
+his inability to do so. Heaven forgive these Jacobin black-republicans
+who object to his being President in 1865! This is the prayer of twenty
+millions of free white men under the Constitution, as was very justly
+observed to me by a political chap from New Haven last week. On
+Tuesday, the Mackerel Brigade was on the outskirts of Accomac--Company
+3, Regiment 1, being sent ahead, under Colonel Wobert Wobinson, to
+watch the movements of some regiments of Confederacies, who were
+believed to be either there or in South Carolina. The advance-guard
+stayed there two days, my boy, and then an orderly came riding in to
+the general, with the request that he would immediately send
+re-enforcements and provisions, as Company 3, Regiment 1, was in danger
+of starvation and defeat, at short notice.
+
+The general ceased fanning himself for a moment, and says he to the
+perspiring orderly:
+
+"I have heard your request, my child; but before I comply with it, I
+wish to know what is the present political complexion of Colonel
+Wobinson."
+
+The half-starved orderly clasped his thin hands together, and says he:
+
+"I don't know; but for God's sake, general, send us something to eat,
+and some help, or not one of us can be saved."
+
+The general waved his hand magisterially, and says he:
+
+"That's very true. But I must first know what are the sentiments of
+Colonel Wobinson on the negro question."
+
+The orderly might have responded, my boy, had he not fainted just then
+from weakness. In pity for his comrades, orders were at once given for
+the transportation of provisions, and re-enforcements to Company 3
+before the end of the month; and had the before mentioned Confederacies
+delayed marching into Accomac until that time, I should not be obliged
+now to chronicle another of those disasters to our arms, which the
+traitorous harangues of Wendell Philips have so outrageously produced.
+
+If this war is to be prosecuted with vigor, my boy, we must repose
+unlimited confidence in the ability of the Administration and of our
+generals, resolutely frowning down all Jacobin demonstrations at home,
+and suffering our leaders to be interfered with by no one but each
+other. If we permit civilians to manage matters, the country will be
+undone; but if, on the contrary, we trust everything to our generals,
+the country will be "done"--brown.
+
+Luckily for us all, the occupation of Accomac by the celebrated
+Southern Confederacy, is a part of the great plan of the General of the
+Mackerel Brigade to end this rebellion in one crushing blow, and as
+soon as the entire Confederacy shall have entered Accomac in safety,
+the Mackerel Brigade will proceed to bag it.
+
+You don't see exactly how this is to be done, eh?
+
+There you go again, my boy! always meddling with what you don't
+understand, and presuming, in your civilian imbecility, to doubt the
+practicability--not to say the utility--of a covert invincibility,
+rendering it a futility on the part of Southern agility to take for
+weak debility what is really strategic facility, and bound, in its
+great fertility of warlike inventibility and utter reliability, to turn
+all the foe's agility to a final accountability, that shall cause him,
+in future humility, to treat us, at least, with civility.
+
+Such, my boy, is the Mackerel plan, to a T.
+
+This strategy's like some plan for grain depending so much on a fall of
+rain, that, in less than a week, should the drought remain, 'twould
+ruin it altogether. It pondereth blindly whether or no the opposite
+hosts will do so-and-so: and how it will end at last, you know,
+dependeth upon the "whether".
+
+                                               Yours, calmly,
+                                                       ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                               LETTER LXX.
+
+  COMMENCING WITH HISTORICAL REFERENCE; RELATING THE EPISODE OF
+      SPURIOSO GRIMALDI, AND DETAILING THE LAMENTABLE FAILURE OF
+      CAPTAIN SAMYULE SA-MITH TO PERISH HEROICALLY.
+
+
+                                  WASHINGTON, D. C., September 20, 1862.
+
+I am in a star-spangled state of mind, my boy, in consequence of our
+recent great victories, and would most respectfully request the
+Governors of all the States to push forward re enforcements
+immediately. Having rashly ventured into Accomac after forage and the
+pursuit of happiness, the well-known Southern Confederacy is now
+hemmed-in with much carnage, and finds itself hem'd and haw'd. The
+South, the South, we love her still, no love than ours profounder; and,
+having cornered her at last, we've thrown our arms around her.
+
+Let us rejoice together, my boy, over the victory that has brought new
+lustre to our flag, and proceed to extract from history a few parallels
+calculated to indicate that the United States of America are somewhat
+superior to the ancients in the art of war.
+
+At the battle of Thermopylae the heroic Greeks engaged in the conflict
+with their foes to the number of some thousands, and as their foes also
+prosecuted hostilities simultaneously, the result was a struggle
+terminating in the discomfiture of the defeated party. _Omnium vincit
+omnia._ At the siege of Troy, the Trojans became involved in active
+warfare with the Greeks, the latter being the adversaries of their
+opponents, and though either side used their weapons against the other
+side, victory finally perched upon the banners of the conqueror, and
+produced the general effect of _sic transit gloria mundi_. The Troy
+_Tribune_ suppressed all mention of McClellan in its account of this
+spirited affair. The dreadful struggle of Argentium was commenced by
+the attack of one host upon its antagonists, and raged bitterly, until
+a cessation of hostilities found the victors holding an advantage over
+the defeated. Burnside's division was not engaged. In the awful affair
+of Roncesvalles, the myrmidons of Charlemagne and the hirelings of
+Spain committed a breach of the peace by prosecuting a mutual affray,
+resulting in the overthrow of the legions which were principally
+overcome, and an advantage for the brigades chiefly entitled to the
+victory. _Nihil est nullus._
+
+It will be perceived, my boy, that the army of the Potomac was engaged
+in none of those celebrated contests, as they did not all take place in
+the same week. We make much better time, my boy, than the ancients.
+
+I told you in my last, that the celebrated Southern Confederacy had
+courted inevitable destruction by marching madly into Accomac at the
+very moment when the victorious Mackerel Brigade was marching out--and
+before I proceed further with the tale of invasion, I must pause to
+relate the strange episode of Spurioso Grimaldi.
+
+Spurioso Grimaldi, my boy, superintended the emigration from Italy to
+this country of a hand-organ that was banished for playing
+revolutionary tunes some time ago, and on arriving upon our shores
+proceeded immediately to don a red shirt, and plan revolutions for the
+coming fall and winter seasons. Upon the breaking out of the war he
+enlisted three volunteers under his banner from the chorus of the
+Academy of Music; but it was not until the recent occupation of Accomac
+that he attempted to put his first revolutionary scheme into operation.
+Then, indeed, he armed his three divisions with three George Law
+muskets, and having gained the borders of suffering Accomac, he issued
+the following:
+
+                             PROCLAMATION.
+
+Accomackians! How are you to day? This is, indeed, a pleasant morning,
+and the crops look well. Accomackians, arise! For years you have been
+the terror of all strangers stopping at your hotels. The accommodations
+you offer, taken into consideration with the prices you charge, are
+sufficient to appal the world! Arise! Remember Waterloo, and Wagram,
+and Bull Run, and other battles in which you took no active part. Now!
+Right away! Hey?
+
+                                                            GRIMALDI.
+
+As the Union element still lives in Accomac, my boy, and wishes nothing
+done to disturb the neighborhood, he could not but deem Mr. Grimaldi's
+movement ill advised, and issued the following responsive
+
+                              PROCLAMATION.
+
+S. Grimaldi, at the head of an army of three equipped and disciplined
+troops, calls the Accomackians to arms. This is scarcely the time for
+such a call, and the army of liberation is scarcely adequate to the
+enterprise proposed. Some disaster might occur should an army of three
+equipped and disciplined troops attack a force of twenty thousand,
+under Stonewall Jackson, at this present crisis. Therefore, let Accomac
+rest in peace, and continue to keep a hotel.
+
+                                                        UNION L. LAMENT.
+
+These proceedings caused great excitement down at Paris and London, my
+boy, and the excellent and independent journals of those places
+proceeded at once to publish several yards of profound editorial on the
+probable convulsion of the earth's surface, in consequence of S.
+Grimaldi's revolutionary proceedings.
+
+"The entire habitable universe," said the Paris _Pitcher_, "appears on
+the verge of terrible upheavings, and the army of S. Grimaldi seems
+destined to work an entire change in the economy of the creation, and
+oblige the North and South Poles to change places permanently."
+
+Not to be outdone, the London _Tumbler_ issued an extra, composed
+entirely of auction advertisements and an excited editorial: "The black
+cloud so long brooding over the shrinking countenance of upturned
+nature seems at length prepared to vomit its horrid flames over the
+entire surface of animated humanity. S. Grimaldi, who is now marching
+on Accomac, is not unlikely to prove the instrument of this
+earth-rending explosion. The unholy American rebellion dwindles to
+insignificant nothingness in comparison with this terrible affair."
+
+So Grimaldi marshaled his three divisions, my boy, and having marched
+upon Accomac, was promptly arrested by the police and incarcerated to
+await an examination. So much for the episode of Spurioso Grimaldi.
+
+Turning from events which have a deeper interest for Europe than for
+our own victorious but distracted country, let me cheer and improve
+your mind, my boy, with some account of the recent glorious victories
+around Accomac, wherein the fearless and unwounded Mackerel Brigade
+acquired another coat of glory, making the third this season.
+
+It was Tuesday morn, when Captain Samyule Sa-mith of the advance guard,
+having satisfied himself that the Brigade was about to achieve its
+crowning victory, concluded that the time for expiring after the manner
+of General Wolfe at Quebec had arrived at last. The battle had already
+commenced, my boy, and a squad of evil-minded Confederacies were in
+full retreat after the Mackerel pickets, when Samyule hastily fell upon
+his back, and beckoned for the artist of Frank Leslie's Illustrated
+paper, motioned for the nearest reporter to take out his note-book,
+drew a lock of red hair from his bosom and kissed it, waved his left
+hand feebly toward his country's standard, and, says he: "_Tete
+d'Armee!_ I die for the old fla--"
+
+"Stop!" shrieked a Mackerel, dashing frantically to his side at this
+instant. "The Anatomical Cavalry, which is ordered to charge the foe,
+wishes to know if it shall take its horses along."
+
+Up sprang Samyule, and says he:
+
+"Tell the horsemen to take everything but their trunks with them, and
+not to stay more than a week. I really believe," says Samyule in a
+great passion--"I really believe the artillery will be wanting to know
+next if they'd better load before firing."
+
+Just at this time, my boy, the Conic Section of the Mackerel Brigade,
+under Captain Villiam Brown, came charging toward the spot with fixed
+bayonets, their gallant leader waving his sword, Escalibar, over his
+head, and calling on his troops to lead on to victory. Forward they
+went like mad, rushing past us in swift fury, and composing the
+heaviest visitation of red noses ever yet launched upon a foe. To be
+sure, no foe was visible in the immediate line of their charge; but as
+they happened to be going down a pretty steep hill at the time, it was
+quite possible that they might meet some adversaries before they could
+stop themselves.
+
+Fired by the sight, Captain Samyule Sa-mith flew to take command of a
+company of Mackerels, who were busily firing their muskets at some
+Confederacies not more than two miles distant; and having placed
+himself at the head thereof, was about to proceed in pursuit of warlike
+adventures, when he caught sight of a body of men, followed by another
+body of men, moving along in the valley below him.
+
+"Hem!" says Samyule, ponderingly, "what is this sight mine eyes behold?"
+
+"Oh," says a sergeant beside him, "that's the No. 3 army of the
+Confederacy, escorting some prisoners which they have just taken at
+Harper's Ferry."
+
+Samyule regarded the spectacle attentively for a moment, and says he:
+"Well, there's only one thing more I want to know about it. I want to
+know," says Samyule thoughtfully, "which of them two bodies of infantry
+is the army, and which is the prisoners?"
+
+Was there the tiniest, wee-ist, smallest fragment of sarcasm in his
+speech? Find out for yourself, my boy--find out for yourself.
+
+It was shortly after this remark, and while the Orange County Howitzers
+were raining a tempest of shot and shell at everything but the enemy,
+that a small bit of shrapnell fell near Samyule's feet, and again
+reminded him of his latter end. Noting that he was observed by those
+around him, my boy, and that the surroundings of the scene were
+picturesque, he uttered a hollow groan and fell prone to the earth.
+Then picking up the bit of shrapnell, and laying it upon his heart, he
+kicked once, and says he:
+
+"Is it almost morning, mother? Hurra for the old fla--"
+
+"Forward with Company 2, immediately," thundered a messenger who at
+this moment came tearing to the spot. "The Confederacy has flanked the
+Conic Section, and is trying to escape."
+
+Preferring to defer death itself rather than see his beloved country
+outwitted by the rebels, Captain Samyule Sa-mith darted swiftly to his
+feet at the word, and instantaneously led Company 2 down the hill at
+double-quick. I followed him half-way, my boy, and then turned off into
+a cross road, where I found Captain Villiam Brown striving to get a
+portion of the devoted Conic Section into a straight line by ranging it
+against a fence. Villiam ceased his labors when he saw me approaching,
+and says he:
+
+"Here's conquering beings for you. Ah!" says Villiam, proudly, "I sent
+these invincible beings on a bayonet charge just now, and they have all
+come back without their muskets."
+
+"What did they do with them?" says I.
+
+"Left them sticking in the foe," says Villiam, exultingly.
+
+"Are you sure of that, my Alcibiades?" says I, skeptically.
+
+"Why," says Villiam, confidentially, "they didn't bring a single one
+back with them, and of course they must have left them sticking into
+the paralyzed Confederacies."
+
+If Villiam could draw a checque as easily as he can draw an inference,
+my boy, he might paper the outside of the universe with ten dollar
+bills and have enough fifties left to make a very deep border.
+
+Leaving the decimated _corps_ to reorganize, I hastened down the hill
+again, and arrived at the bottom only to find a group of reporters and
+Mackerels surrounding a manly prostrate form. Company 2 had just
+succeeded in routing some Confederacies from a melon-patch, and Captain
+Samyule Sa-mith was improving the opportunity to expire once more in an
+affecting manner.
+
+Lifting his feeble head when he saw me, and pulling a small flag a
+little further out of a side-pocket in his coat, the perishing warrior
+smiled half way down his chin, and says he:
+
+"I still live! All hail to the old fla--"
+
+"One moment, if you please!" shouted Colonel Wobert Wobinson, breaking
+through the group.--"Could you make it convenient to pay me that dollar
+you owe me, Samyule?"
+
+Samyule arose deliberately to his feet again, my boy, wearing upon his
+countenance the most awful expression I ever saw upon a human face.
+
+"Well," says Samyule, furiously, "I've tried to die for my country
+three times to-day, and never got further than the old fla--! There is
+such vulgarity in them which incessantly surrounds me," says Samyule,
+bitterly, "that they won't even let me die in peace."
+
+Here a Mackerel chap sniffed differentially, and says he: "But you was
+trying to die in war, capting."
+
+There was something so inhuman in the idea of a man making a joke on
+such a serious occasion, as that, my boy, that the entire party was
+struck dumb with horror; and one of the spectators retired
+precipitately behind a tree, where I immediately heard him laughing
+wildly with joy over the thought that it was not himself who had been
+guilty of such a hideous enormity.
+
+It would be useless for me to spend more time in showing how the battle
+raged to a victorious conclusion, leaving the Mackerel Brigade in
+triumphant possession of the ground it occupied at the outset, and the
+Confederacy rooted to the spot it held from the commencement.
+
+Scarcely had the strife been finished half an hour, when the popular
+General of the Mackerel Brigade arrived to direct all the movements in
+person, and to gain some knowledge of the victories he had just won.
+Accompanying him was the political chap from New Haven, who at once
+proceeded to congratulate the troops and address them on the subject of
+the next election.
+
+"My brothers in arms," says he, with fond familiarity, "having done our
+duty as patriots, let us proceed to ballot for President of the United
+States in 1865. Need I say that our victorious general is the man?"
+
+Truly, my boy, we shall have little difficulty in selecting a chief
+magistrate next term, when there is such a General longing for the
+nomination.
+
+                                           Yours, politically,
+                                                       ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LXXI.
+
+  SHOWING HOW THE PRESIDENT AND THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE
+      ISSUED GREAT EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATIONS, AND HOW THE CHAPLAIN
+      WROTE A RADICAL POEM.
+
+
+                               WASHINGTON, D. C., September 27th, 1862.
+
+"John Brown's body," which has been "marching on" for some time past,
+my boy, being thus considerably in advance of our strictly
+Constitutional Army, has at length made a great strategic movement, and
+evoked the following promissory note from our Honest Old Abe:
+
+                                   COLORLESS DOMICIL, Sept. 22d, 1862.
+
+"Ninety days after date I promise to pay the Southern Confederacy, or
+order, the full amount of its deserts.
+
+    "$ _Emancipation._                              H. O. ABE."
+
+The morning after this little settlement was made, my boy, I met the
+conservative Kentucky chap on Pennsylvania avenue, and was greatly
+edified by his high-minded remarks on the subject. "Having recently
+disposed of any attached contrabands to good advantage," says he,
+sagely, "I am now deeply convinced that my brother-in-law, the Southern
+Confederacy, has brought this dispensation upon himself. I have said
+all along that it would be so at last," says the genial Kentucky chap,
+casting another glance at the score of a recent game of Euchre which he
+held in his hand. "I have said all along that it would be so at last,
+and I am still disposed to sustain the Administration and crush the
+Black Republicans."
+
+When I remembered the sentiments held by this accommodating chap only
+about a week ago, my boy, I could not but feel that he had made a
+remarkably sudden revolution on the axes he had to grind; and as there
+was a pleasing spice of human audacity in his easy way of suiting his
+style to the political demands of the moment, I was strongly reminded
+of a chap I once knew in the Sixth Ward.
+
+He was a young chap of gorgeous vest-pattern, and one Sunday afternoon
+he went out riding with another sprightly young chap, who was
+accompanied by his plighted pink bonnet. They were riding joyously
+along in their hired vehicle, my boy, pleasantly discussing the merits
+of Eighty's new foreman, and other subjects equally well calculated to
+entertain and improve the fond female mind, when, as they turned a
+sharp corner, there loomed up, at some distance ahead, a house bearing
+a sign reading:
+
+                               FEED STORE
+
+                         OATS FOR  SALE  HERE.
+
+No sooner did the spirited livery-horse observe this dangerous sign, my
+boy, than he dashed toward it in a manner worthy of my own gothic
+steed, the architectural Pegasus; and as there happened to be a few
+stones in the way, the two chaps and the pink bonnet were presently
+shot into the surrounding atmosphere without regard to the character of
+the day. While the excited quadruped went on with the two fore-wheels
+of the vehicle for the purpose of reading the sign nearer by, the chap
+of the gorgeous vest-pattern announced his safe arrival in a sand-bank
+by the appropriate and cheery cry of "Fire! fire! fire!" and the other
+chap and the pink bonnet warbled hasty thanksgivings in the bosom of a
+romantic ditch. How they finally caught the spirited livery horse, and
+induced him to come back to the city again by making a copy of the sign
+on a bit of paper, and placing it in his mouth, and how they ultimately
+reached home, you must imagine. But in about a week after, the
+unnatural livery-stable keeper brought suit against the smitten chap
+for the two hind-wheels of his wagon; and when the young chap of
+gorgeous vest-pattern was put upon the stand to prove that the
+catastrophe was not the driver's fault, he winked agreeably at the
+people, and says he: "My friend and assoshate exerted hisself visibly
+to subdue the fiery old oat-mill. As it was, his brains was nearly
+dashed out, his neck-tie was sprained, and he _found his watch wound
+up_."
+
+Here the livery lawyer thought he had the friendly chap in a tight
+place, and says he:
+
+"You say that by being thrown from the wagon so violently, the
+defendant's watch was wound up. Perhaps you will inform the court how
+such a strange phenomenon _could_ occur?"
+
+The young chap merely paused long enough to make another desperate
+attempt to reconcile the bottom-edge of his waistcoat to the top-edge
+of his inexpressibles, and says he, with a fine smile:
+
+"Why, it was easy enough for his watch to be wound up by it, my covey;
+because _he turned three times in the air before he lit_."
+
+Accommodating conservative chaps, my boy, though momentarily thrown out
+of their reckoning, by reason of sudden proceedings caused by the
+latest signs of the times, have a happy aptitude for turning-about as
+often as may seem necessary, before alighting on a fixed principle.
+
+The Mackerel chaplain, who came up from Harper's Ferry on Monday
+afternoon, was delighted with H. O. Abe's promissory note, and
+considers that old John Brown is at last
+
+                AVENGED.
+
+  GOD'S scales of Justice hang between
+  The deed Unjust and the end Unseen,
+  And the sparrow's fall in the one is weighed
+  By the Lord's own Hand in the other laid.
+
+  In the prairie path to our Sun-set gate,
+  In the flow'ring heart of a new-born State,
+  Are the hopes of an old man's waning years,
+  'Neath headstones worn by an old man's tears.
+
+  When the bright sun sinks in the rose-lipped West,
+  His last red ray is the headstone's crest;
+  And the mounds he laves in a crimson flood
+  Are a Soldier's wealth baptized in blood!
+
+  Do ye ask who reared those headstones there,
+  And crowned with thorns a sire's gray hair?
+  And by whom the Land's great debt was paid
+  To the Soldier old, in the graves they made?
+
+  Shrink, Pity! shrink, at the question dire;
+  And, Honor, burn in a blush of fire!
+  Turn, Angel, turn from the page thine eyes,
+  Or the Sin, once written, never dies!
+
+  They were men of the Land he had fought to save
+  From a foreign foe that had crossed the wave,
+  When his sun-lit youth was a martial song,
+  And shook a throne as it swelled along.
+
+  They were sons of the clime whose soft, warm breath
+  Is the soul of earth, and a life in death;
+  Where the Summer dreams on the couch of Spring,
+  And the songs of birds through the whole year ring;
+
+  Where the falling leaf is the cup that grew
+  To catch the gems of the new leaf's dew,
+  And the winds that through the vine-leaves creep
+  Are the sighs of Time in a pleasant sleep.
+
+  But there lurked a taint in the clime so blest,
+  Like a serpent coiled in a ring-dove's nest,
+  And the human sounds to the ear it gave
+  Were the clank of chains on a low-browed Slave!
+
+  The Soldier old at his sentry-post,
+  Where the sun's last trail of light is lost,
+  Beheld the shame of the Land he loved,
+  And the old, old love in his bosom moved.
+
+  He cried to the land, Beware! Beware
+  Of the symboled Curse in the Bondman there!
+  And a prophet's soul in fire came down
+  To live in the voice of old John Brown.
+
+  He cried; and the ingrate answer came
+  In words of steel from a tongue of flame;
+  They dyed his hearth in the blood of kin,
+  And his dear ones fell for the Nation's Sin!
+
+  O, matchless deed! that a fiend might scorn,
+  O, deed of shame! for a world to mourn;
+  A Soldier's pay in his blood most dear,
+  And a land to mock at a Father's tear!
+
+  Is't strange that the tranquil soul of age
+  Was turned to strife in a madman's rage?
+  Is't strange that the cry of blood did seem
+  Like the roll of drums in a martial dream?
+
+  Is't strange the clank of the Helot's chain
+  Should drive the Wrong to the old man's brain,
+  To fire his heart with a santon's zeal,
+  And mate his arm to the Soldier's steel?
+
+  The bane of Wrong to its depth had gone,
+  And the sword of Right from its sheath was drawn;
+  But the cabined Slave heard not his cry,
+  And the old man armed him but to die.
+
+  Ye may call him Mad, that he did not quail
+  When his stout blade broke on the unblest mail;
+  Ye may call him Mad, that he struck alone,
+  And made the land's dark Curse his own;
+
+  But the Eye of God looked down and saw
+  A just life lost by an unjust law;
+  And black was the day with God's own frown
+  When the Southern Cross was a martyr's Crown!
+
+  Apostate clime! the blood then shed,
+  Fell thick with vengeance on thy head,
+  To weigh it down 'neath the coming rod
+  When thy red right hand should be stretched to God.
+
+  Behold the price of the life ye took;
+  At the death ye gave 'twas a world that shook;
+  And the despot deed that one heart broke,
+  From their slavish sleep a Million woke!
+
+  Not all alone did the victim fall,
+  Whose wrongs first brought him to your thrall;
+  The old man played a Nation's part,
+  And ye struck your blow at a Nation's heart!
+
+  The freemen-host is at your door,
+  And a Voice goes forth with a stern "No More!"
+  To the deadly Curse, whose swift redeem
+  Was the visioned thought of John Brown's dream.
+
+  To the Country's Wrong, and the Country's stain,
+  It shall prove as the scythe to the yielding grain;
+  And the dauntless pow'r to spread it forth,
+  Is the free-born soul of the chainless North.
+
+  From the East, and West, and North they come,
+  To the bugle's call and the roll of drum;
+  And a form walks viewless by their side--
+  A form that was born when the Old Man died!
+
+  The Soldier old in his grave may rest,
+  Afar with his dead in the prairie West;
+  But a red ray falls on the headstone there,
+  Like a God's reply to a Soldier's pray'r.
+
+  He may sleep in peace 'neath the greenwood pall,
+  For the land's great heart hath heard his call;
+  And a people's Will and a people's Might,
+  Shall right the Wrong and proclaim the Right.
+
+  The foe may howl at the fiat just,
+  And gnash his fangs in the trodden dust;
+  But the battle leaves his bark a wreck,
+  And the Freeman's heel is on his neck.
+
+  Not all in vain is the lesson taught,
+  That a great soul's Dream is the world's New Thought;
+  And the Scaffold marked with a death sublime
+  Is the Throne ordained for the coming time.
+
+The chaplain runs as naturally to poetry, my boy, as a water-melon does
+to seed, and his muse is apt to be--alas! what a melancholy one!
+
+In my last epistle, I was somewhat hyperbolical when I meant to be
+metaphorical, as some of the older writers were allegorical when they
+meant to be categorical. I told you, my boy, that we had cornered the
+prudish Confederacy in Accomac, and "thrown our arms around her." Your
+natural ignorance will demand an explanation; and I deem it fit to say,
+that by the phrase "thrown our arms around her," I meant to say that
+certain Mackerel regiments, in furtherance of the profound strategy of
+the General of the Mackerel Brigade, had thrown their arms away, on
+every side of the entrapped Confederacy. It was believed that the
+Confederacy was perfectly safe for immediate capture, my boy; but upon
+the discovery that the fords of Allkwyet River, in the rear of Accomac,
+where the Confederacy could cross, were adjoining each other, and
+extended from the source of the river to its mouth, it was deemed
+proper to let the Confederacy court further ruination by retiring in
+that direction. Hence, whilst the watchful Conic section took a brief
+nap, the Anatomical Cavalry was sent rapidly in front of the
+disgracefully retreating Confederacy to clear the road for it to the
+river, and then telegraph the news of the great victory to all the
+excellent morning journals.
+
+It was another splendid stroke of profound strategy, my boy, and would
+have crowned the idolized General of the Mackerel Brigade with new
+laurels, had he not been too bashfully modest to understand it himself.
+
+Finding, however, that it seemed to be better than something worse, he
+told his staff a small story to clear his throat, and then unfurled the
+following
+
+
+                              PROCLAMATION.
+
+I, the General of the Mackerel Brigade, next President of the United
+States of America, and Commander-in-Chief of the Mackerel Army and
+superior improved iron-plated squadron, do hereby swear, that on this
+occasion, as in a previous instance, the war will be prosecuted for the
+object of practically maintaining the Constitution forever destroyed,
+and restoring friendly relations between the sections and States
+inexorably alienated; that it is my practical purpose to suggest, at
+the next orderly meeting of the Mackerel Brigade, a practical offer of
+pecuniary compensation for the slaves of the so-called Border States
+which have refrained, through patriotic fear, from waging unnatural
+hostilities with the United States of America and my practical self.
+Gradual Emancipation having thus set in, as far as those States are
+concerned, either voluntarily, or by virtue of a superior discretion,
+persons of African descent will again be privileged, or voluntarily
+compelled to colonize in Nova Zembla, where bear hunting is still in
+full bloom; that on the first day of April, in the year of our Lord one
+thousand eight hundred and sixty-three, all persons held as slaves by
+what is then known as the ruins of the Southern Confederacy, shall be
+then, thence, thenceforward and forever free, if they choose to
+consider themselves so, and are able to achieve their independence;
+that on the aforesaid first of April, the General of the Mackerel
+Brigade will designate the States, or parts of States, which have
+rendered this proclamation nugatory, by returning involuntarily, and by
+force of our arms, to their allegiance, inviting them to elect members
+of Congress, boarders at Willard's and Senators as usual, the same as
+though their somewhat-prolonged rebellion against the United States of
+America had been a rather meritorious arrangement, entitling them to
+more than ordinary consideration.
+
+And I do hereby respectfully request all officers to refrain in future
+from paying the traveling expenses of persons of African descent sent
+by them to their revolted masters after a term of trench service, as
+there don't appear to be any common-sense in such expenditure.
+
+And the General of the Mackerel Brigade will further recommend, that
+all citizens of the United States remaining loyal now, or who may
+become loyal, voluntarily or otherwise, at any period of the world's
+history, be fully compensated for all losses sustained by the United
+States, including the loss of memory or eye sight.
+
+In witness whereof, behold the signature and seal of the
+
+                                     GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
+    (Green Seal.)
+
+While I am compelled to admit, my boy, that I do not exactly understand
+by what authority the General of the Mackerel Brigade is empowered to
+issue this Proclamation; and that some of its clauses--particularly the
+last--strike me as being somewhat muddled, I yet regard it as at least
+a faint evidence that the tremendous farce in which we have so long
+been playing such bloody parts is at last coming to an end.
+
+And since the farce seems drawing to a close, perhaps your farcical
+Orpheus C. Kerr could select no fitter time than this to withdraw with
+grace from the field.
+
+As this thought occurs to me, my boy, I look up, and behold a couple of
+our brigadiers a few paces off, with only two tumblers between them.
+Their faces are expressionless. I have seen apple-dumplings with more
+expression, especially when dressed with sauce. It is impossible, my
+boy, that any wise thing should enter into the heads of our
+brass-buttoned generals under any possible circumstances; and with
+heavy heart, I acknowledge the conviction that I must still rush the
+quill.
+
+                                            Yours, enduringly,
+                                                       ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                             LETTER LXXII.
+
+  REPORTING THE LATEST SMALL STORY FROM "HONEST ABE," AND DESCRIBING
+      THE MOST MERCENARY BAYONET CHARGE ON RECORD.
+
+
+                                  WASHINGTON, D. C., October 4th, 1862.
+
+Our Honest Abe, my boy, may lack these brilliant qualities which in the
+great legislator may constitute either the live-oak sceptre of true
+patriotism or the dexter finger of refined roguery, as the genius of
+the age pivots on honesty or diplomacy; but his nature has all the
+sterling characteristics of the heartiest manhood about it, and there
+is a smiling sun in his composition which never sets. That he is in his
+anecdotage, my boy, is a fact
+
+  "Which nobody can deny;
+  Or, if they do, they lie!"
+
+yet even his anecdotes have that simple sunlight in them which is,
+perhaps, a greater boon to the high place of a nation in the dark hour,
+than the most weird and perpetual haze of crafty wisdom could be.
+
+There was a dignified chap here from New York on Monday; a chap who has
+invented many political conventions in his time, and came here for the
+special purpose of learning everything whatsoever concerning the
+present comparative inactivity of the able-bodied Mackerel Brigade.
+
+The Mackerel Brigade, my boy, has done little more than skirmish on the
+festive borders of the well-known Southern Confederacy since the great
+metaphysical victory in which it gained such applause and lost a few
+muskets, and the dignified convention chap called upon the Honest Abe
+to learn the meaning of the present situation.
+
+Rumor states that it was the Honest Abe's hour of fragmentary leisure
+when this inquiring chap perforated the White House; and that he was
+sitting with his boots on the window-sill, carving a pine toothpick
+from a vagrant chip.
+
+"Mr. President," says the dignified chap, affably, "such is the agony
+of the public mind in consequence of the present uncertainty in
+military affairs that I feel it my duty, as a humble portion of that
+Mind, to respectfully request of you some information as to the reason
+for the cotemporary Mackerel inactivity."
+
+"Hem!" says the Honest Abe, combing his locks with his right hand, and
+placing a small bit of the chip in the right corner of his Etruscan
+mouth: "Perhaps I cannot better answer your question, neighbor, than by
+relating a small tale:
+
+"There was a man out in Iowa who owned a large farm, on which he raised
+everything but the interest of his purchase-money, and it cost him so
+little to send his crops to the market that he was all the time wishing
+he could find the crops to send. Now, this man was very tenacious of
+his rights," says the Honest Abe, putting the argument with his
+jack-knife--"he was very tenacious of his rights; and when a
+squatter-sovereign from Missouri came and squatted right on one of his
+best pieces of land, he determined to whip that squatter-sovereign
+within an inch of his life, and then send him trooping. So he goes down
+one day to where the squatter had run up a shingle house," says the
+Honest Abe, brushing a chip from his right knee, "he goes down there,
+and says he to the squatter: 'If you don't make tracks from here in
+twenty-four hours, you varmint, I'll make you smell thunder and see
+chain-lightnin'.' The squatter threw away the axe with which he was
+thumping down a maple log for a door-post, and says he: 'This is a free
+country, stranger; and if you'll come to a place where the grass is
+thick enough to make a tidy tumble, we'll have it out at once.' This
+put the old man's dander right up," says the Honest Abe, pulling down
+his vest; "this put his dander right up, and says he: 'Grass be darned!
+Here's a spot of ground as bare as the top of Governor Chase's head,
+and I'll jest trouble you--y' old varmint you--to find how soft it is
+for a night's lodgings.' After this speech there was no more to be
+said; so the two geniuses repaired to the bare spot, and squared away
+at each other like all possest. The old man was great on the science of
+the thing," says the Honest Abe, using the toe of one boot as a
+boot-jack to pull the other half-way off--"the old man was great on the
+science of boxing; but the squatter had the muscle, and in about two
+winks the old 'un was packing the gravel. Up he got again, very
+ricketty in the shoulder-blades, and came to call like a grizzly in
+bee-time, striking out with a bang up science, and would have triumphed
+gloriously if he hadn't suddenly gone to gravel again, with all his
+baggage. On this occasion, he righted with both his elbows out of
+joint, and says he: 'You're as good as chawed up--y' old varmint,
+you--but I'll come back here next spring, and have it out with you on
+this same spot.' The squatter agreed to that, and they parted for the
+time.
+
+"Now the story of this drawn-fight got abroad, you see," says the
+Honest Abe, working the blade of his jack-knife with his thumb--"it got
+abroad; and one day a neighbor went to the old 'un, and says he:
+'There's one thing about that big fight of yours, Uncle Billy, I can't
+understand. What made you put off the end of the show till next spring?'
+
+"'Have you seen the cantankerous spot where we fit?' says the old 'un,
+moving his shoulders uneasily.
+
+"'Truelie,' says the neighbor.
+
+"'Well,' says the old 'un, craftily, 'I'm just waiting _till that thar
+spot has a trifle of grass on it_.'"
+
+At the conclusion of this natural little narrative, my boy, the
+dignified conventional chap hurried from the White House scratching his
+head: and I really believe, my boy--I really believe, that his
+sensitive soul detected an analogy not gushingly flattering to national
+strategy and the President of the United States for 1865.
+
+Soon after hearing of this, I met him at Willard's, and says I: "Well,
+my sagacious Mirabeau, what is your final opinion of our Honest Abe?"
+
+He merely paused long enough to swear at a button which happened to
+burst from the neck-band of his shirt just then, and says he: "The
+Honest Abe is a well-meaning Executive, enough. He's a well-meaning
+Executive," says the dignified chap, with an air of slightly-irritated
+good-nature; "but I wish he'd do something to save his country, instead
+of telling small tales all the time."
+
+Our President is an honest man, my boy, and the glass in his spectacles
+isn't exactly made of the paper they print telegrams upon.
+
+Learning that the Mackerel Brigade was still awaiting abject peace
+propositions from the exhausted Confederacy, on the borders of Accomac,
+I scaled the outer walls of my Gothic steed, Pegasus, on Wednesday, and
+sped thither on the metaphorical wings of retarded lightning. A wisp of
+hay was clinging to the wiry mane of the architectural animal, my boy,
+and this I used to delude the spirited steed from making those sudden
+stops in which he invariably indulges whenever a passing acquaintance
+hails us with the familiar salutation of "Hey!--where are you bound?"
+The charger has evidently a confused idea of the word "Hey," my boy.
+
+Upon gaining the outskirts of Accomac, I met Company 3, Regiment 5,
+Mackerel Brigade, just coming out to make a bayonet-charge upon one of
+the Confederacy's earthworks not far away. I might have let the
+warriors pass by unheeded, my boy, as I was deeply ruminating upon
+strategy; but as they came nearer, I noticed among them a file of red
+noses dragging along a Mackerel, who was tearing and groaning like a
+madman. In fact, the chap became so violent just then, that Captain
+Villiam Brown precipitately dropped his canteen and halted the company.
+
+I looked at the devoted and nearly-sober beings clustered about the
+struggling chap, and says I:
+
+"Has mutiny reared his horrid front, my veterans? What ails our
+gymnastic friend?"
+
+A Mackerel, largely patched in several departments of his attire,
+shaded his voice with a crab-like hand, and says he: "That is Jakey
+Mogs, which got a letter from his virchoose femly just the instant we
+was ordered to fix bayonets, and he's gone cracked because the Captain
+can't let him leave for home in a big rush."
+
+Here the refractory chap burst furiously from those who were holding
+him, fell upon his knees before the captain, and says he, as he cried
+like a woman: "For God's sake, Cap, _do_ let me go home just this once,
+and I swear to God I won't stay there more than just one minnit! My old
+woman wrote this herself (tearing the letter from his ragged breast),
+and she says our little Tom is dying. He's a-dying--O good Lord! it's
+too much! Please let me go, my dear, good Cap, and I won't be gone an
+hour; and I'll bring you back the pootiest little bull-tarrier you ever
+see; and you can shoot me for desertion--honor bright! My Tommy's
+a-dying, I tell you, and she's wrote for me to come right away. Just an
+hour, Cap, for God's sake!--only _half_ an hour, and I'll come back and
+be shot--honor bright!"
+
+As the wild words came pouring out of the poor fellow's working soul,
+there fell a breathless hush upon all his comrades; the line of
+bayonets seemed to me to reflect the soft light of the afternoon with a
+kind of strange quiver, and though the Captain turned his head sternly
+away from the suppliant, there was not that firmness in the arm
+circling to his hip which drives home the sword of the strong.
+
+"Take the being under guard," says Villiam, hoarsely; "for he _must_
+go."
+
+At the word, the rude father sprang to his feet, with a tigerish glare
+in his eyes, dashed the letter to the ground, tore his bowie from its
+sheath; and as, with the howl of a wild beast, he made a furious thrust
+at one of those who approached to secure him--Nature broke in the
+tempest, and he fell into the arms of a comrade, in a fit. They sent
+him back, then, to camp, and Company 3, Regiment 5, moved forward once
+again, as though nothing had happened.
+
+Alas! my boy, when this whole war is the sensitive nerve of a vast
+nation, and vibrates a thrill of mortal agony to a million of souls at
+each jar the very air receives from a shot, what matter is it if a
+single heart be broken.
+
+I pondered this deeply as I followed Company 3; nor did I heed the
+affable remarks occasionally volunteered by Captain Villiam Brown until
+we gained the edge of the field wherein was located a company of
+bushwhacking Confederacies, as was supposed, behind a scientific
+mud-work. Captain Bob Shorty and Captain Samyule Sa-mith were already
+on the ground to witness the bayonet charge; and it was well that they
+had provided bits of smoked glass to view it through, as the glaring
+brilliancy of the anticipated feat might have proved hurtful to the
+naked eye. As I took my place with them, my boy, I could not but admire
+the rapidity with which Captain Villiam Brown kicked some of his beings
+into a straight line before the foe's front, and at the same time
+addressed them after the manner of a great commander:
+
+"Comrades," says Villiam, his voice quivering finely with
+uncontrollable valor, "the eyes of future centuries are looking down
+upon you on this present occasion, and your distracted country expects
+you to propel the gleamy steel. Ah!" says Villiam, taking another hasty
+look at his notes, "the distracted country has great confidence in
+bayonet charges, which are quite valuable on account of their scarcity
+in this unnatural war. My fellow-beings," says Villiam, allowing
+several Mackerels to get in front of him, that he might more readily
+direct their movements, "we will now proceed to charge bayonets."
+
+From our point of vantage, we saw that serried host sweep on, my boy,
+their movements being exceedingly rapid for several yards; when they
+went slower, and finally stopped.
+
+Captain Samyule Sa-mith eyed them intensely through his glass, and says
+he: "It appears to me that there is temporary inactivity in the ranks,
+and I can see some manly heads turned the wrong way."
+
+Captain Bob Shorty frowned until his left eyebrow contracted a delicate
+streak of smoke from _his_ glass, and says he: "You speak like one of
+feeble mind, Samyule. The legs, not the head, are the portions of the
+human frame to be watched in a baynit charge."
+
+Taught by this remark, I gazed at the nether continuations of our
+country's hope and pride, and my glass told me that many of them were
+working in their sockets as though belonging to wholly irresponsible
+parties. Were those devoted men about to change their base of
+operations and entrap Stonewall Jackson's whole force again, without
+waiting to receive a shot?
+
+It was a moment of dreadful suspense.
+
+Then did the matchless genius of Villiam Brown arise to the full
+demands of the breathless occasion, in one of those subtle appeals to
+human nature's great undercurrent which leads men as children often are
+led. In the rear of the Confederacy's work was the slanting side of a
+precipitous hill, and to this hill-side he had secretly dispatched the
+paymaster of the _corps_, by a circuitous route, with a package that
+looked as though it might contain Treasury Notes under his arm. Just at
+this awful juncture, when the fate of the day hung by a hair, that
+paymaster made his appearance on the hill-side above the mud-work, and
+put on his spectacles to make himself more plainly visible.
+
+"Comrades," says Villiam, pointing to the celestial figure, "yonder is
+the disbursing genius of the United States of America. Charge baynits,
+and let us be paid off."
+
+Though the whole Confederacy had been in the way at that moment, my
+boy, it would not have delayed the charge. Forward went Company 3,
+Regiment 5, with mercenary celerity, capturing the hostile work with
+great success; and finding therein a Confederate letter, stating that
+the Confederacy could not so far demean itself as to fight a force
+whose leader had not been educated at West Point.
+
+There is a point, my boy, _beyond_ which the Confederacy cannot hope to
+offer successful resistance to our arms, and recent events would seem
+to indicate that it is West Point.
+
+                                              Yours, formally,
+                                                        ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                             LETTER LXXIII.
+
+  MAKING MENTION OF ANOTHER MEETING OF THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB, AT
+      WHICH THE TURKISH AND RUSSIAN MEMBERS READ THEIR STORIES.
+
+
+                                   WASHINGTON, D. C., October 8th, 1862.
+
+At the meeting of the Cosmopolitans last evening, my boy, N. E.
+Ottoman, the Turkish chap, related the tale of
+
+
+                          THE SULTAN'S FAVORITE.
+
+"In all Circassia, there was no woman to be compared with Zara, for
+beauty. Her eyes were like the stars, her hair was threads of gold, her
+teeth were pearls, her complexion more white and pure than the marble
+of Patras, and her form was like those of the houris, whom Allah has
+locked up in paradise, for the benefit of all true believers.
+
+"The father of this beautiful girl was a mountain chieftain, much noted
+for his physical strength, bravery, and insatiable avarice. His wife
+died in giving birth to Zara, and upon her child he lavished all the
+affection which his iron heart could nourish; but gold overcame the
+finer feelings of a parent, and Nemyl beheld the bud of childhood
+bursting forth into the soul-subduing woman with thoughts in which
+there was far more speculation than love.
+
+"'You shall be sold to the Sultan,' said he to her, 'and he will soon
+become your most devoted slave. You may make him do what you will, and
+I shall become respected and rich, as the father of a Sultan's
+favorite.'
+
+"Zara made no reply to such anticipations; for, although she honored
+the _alem penali_ of mankind, her affections had lighted upon another
+object.
+
+"During the war between the Russians and Circassians, truces of a few
+days' duration were quite frequent, and at such periods those of both
+parties who were upon the plains, intermingled, and spoke words of
+peace to each other. On one of these occasions, a Russian detachment
+was quartered near the habitation of Nemyl, and a young officer, who
+beheld Zara, fell in love with her at first sight, although he saw
+nothing but her form; for her face was covered.
+
+"Garstoff (for such was his name) made various attempts to have
+communication with the insensible object of his passion; but, for some
+days, his efforts were in vain--the Circassians being very ready to
+keep truce with his countrymen, but very jealous, also, of any
+attention bestowed upon one of their own nation. The officer beheld the
+brief period of peace fast drawing to an end, and was about to resign
+his darling object, when fortune unexpectedly befriended him.
+
+"One evening as he was returning to his camp, a sound of clashing steel
+fell upon his ear, and, turning in the direction from whence it came,
+he observed a horseman bravely defending himself against the assaults
+of four men in Turkish costume. Swift as lightning, his sword flew from
+his scabbard, and going to the assistance of the rider, he made two of
+the assailants bite the dust, while the others took to their heels and
+quickly disappeared.
+
+"'Your assistance was most timely, and I owe my life to you,' said the
+horseman, dismounting from his steed, and peering into the face of his
+new ally.
+
+"'I am happy to have been of service to a brave man,' replied Garstoff,
+'but who were those scoundrels?'
+
+"'I know them not,' answered the other, 'but suppose them to belong to
+a band of mountain thieves, who are prowling about the camps in search
+of plunder. I perceive, by your uniform, that you are one of our
+enemies. But we are at peace now, and as you have saved my live, I
+extend the hand of friendship to you. Come with me to my house, and we
+will eat salt together.'
+
+"'May I know the name of my new friend?' asked the Russian.
+
+"'I am Nemyl, and I put my trust in God.'
+
+"'I cannot refuse your kind invitation,' said Garstoff. And Nemyl
+remounting his horse, the two set off at good speed not saying another
+word until they arrived at the house of the chieftain. It was a
+spacious but rude habitation, and the only attendant who welcomed the
+pair was a pretty little girl of scarce ten years. Nemyl fastened the
+horses of himself and visitor under a low shed, and then proceeded to
+an apartment where _rabols_, viands, various fruits, mountain herbs,
+and large vessels filled with coffee and eastern wines, were placed
+upon a table with covers for three persons.
+
+"'We sup here,' he said, motioning Garstoff to a seat beside the board,
+and taking one himself. 'I expected to have met one of our chiefs
+to-night, and brought him to my house, but those fellows stopped me,
+and I changed my company. Eat--What is your name?'
+
+"'Major Garstoff.'
+
+"A shade passed over the features of Nemyl, at the sound of that name,
+and he grasped the hilt of his scymetar, for he had heard of the
+officer's attempt to speak with Zara, and it was only a thought of
+recent events that restrained him from rushing upon the bold barbarian
+with the fury of a tiger.
+
+"Garstoff beheld the change in his host's manner, and had grasped his
+own weapon, to defend himself from any sudden attack, when a door was
+opened, and Zara entered the department, preceded by the little slave,
+looking more beautiful than ever.
+
+"The officer was filled with various emotions by her presence; for he
+at once recognised her as the idol of his heart, and all feelings of
+anger disappeared at once.
+
+"'This is my child Zara,' said Nemyl, with affected indifference. 'The
+great Sultan has an apartment for her in his seraglio, and his Aga has
+already bargained with me for her purchase.'
+
+"Garstoff watched the girl's countenance, while her father spoke thus,
+and was delighted to perceive that she was discomposed by his words;
+but resolving to avoid a quarrel with his entertainer, he replied:
+
+"'Happy must be the man, whether sultan or renegade, who is destined to
+claim so much beauty for his own.'
+
+"The suspicions of Nemyl were lulled to sleep by such disinterested
+expressions, and he ate and drank with his visitor, in all good will,
+while Zara listened in silence to their conversation. At length, the
+fumes of the liquors which he had swallowed, mounted to his brain, and
+after giving vent to some incoherent oaths, the Circassian fell upon
+the floor in a state of insensibility. His visitor was quite astonished
+by such a catastrophe; but as it afforded him an opportunity to
+converse with Zara, he rather rejoiced at it.
+
+"'Fair lady,' said he, 'can it indeed be true that your charms are
+destined to wither in the Sultan's harem?'
+
+"'It is true, stranger,' answered Zara, in mournful tones, 'the Aga of
+Soliman, spoke with my father at Constantinople, and I am to be borne
+thither soon.'
+
+"'Does such a fate please you, Zara?' asked the officer.
+
+"'No!' replied the beautiful Circassian, with emphasis. 'But it is the
+will of Allah, and I must submit.'
+
+"She arose from her seat, and beckoning for the attendant, was about to
+leave the apartment, when Garstoff, laid his hand upon her arm, and
+gently restrained her.
+
+"'Forgive my rudeness,' he said, with much earnestness; 'but, Zara, I
+cannot behold your sacrifice, without endeavoring to avert it. I am a
+stranger to you; but you are not a stranger to me; for I have seen you,
+when you thought yourself unobserved, and a fire has been kindled in my
+breast, which nothing but possession of you can ever abate. Tell me to
+perform some deed, that I may prove the ardor of my love; let me save
+you from the fearful doom that threatens you--'
+
+"'Stop! Christian,' interrupted the maid; 'I have never seen your face
+before, and how can I trust a stranger? Go! or Nemyl shall punish you
+when he awakes. I can hear your words no longer.'
+
+"'Think not that I fear your father,' answered Garstoff, 'though I
+stand in his house; yet I will no longer excite your anger by staying
+here.'
+
+"He arose, and would have departed, had not the daughter of Nemyl
+placed herself in his way.
+
+"'What would you do for me?' she asked hurriedly.
+
+"'I would sacrifice my life, if necessary.'
+
+"'That would not help me, Christian. Dare you appear in the field as a
+rival to the sultan, for my favor?'
+
+"'As a rival to ten thousand sultans, for such a reward.'
+
+"'Why do you not _buy me_, then?'
+
+"The Russian staggered back and turned pale at the suggestion; for it
+reminded him how wholly the woman was beyond his reach, and filled him
+with despair.
+
+"'What sum would do it?' he asked.
+
+"'Five thousand doblas,' answered Zara, composedly; 'the great sultan
+will give _four_ thousand, and if you offer _five_, my father will
+surely sell me to you.'
+
+"'Alas! what a curse is poverty!' exclaimed Garstoff, smiting his
+forehead. 'I have only my pay, and it would not amount to that sum in
+three years. What shall I do?'
+
+"His sorrow evidently affected Zara, and for some moments they remained
+silent. At length, her eyes brightened, and she said in peremptory
+tones;
+
+"'You can bear me away to your own country.'
+
+"'That is true!' ejaculated the Russian, kissing her willing hand in
+ecstasy. 'Then indeed have I not suffered in vain. I will take you to a
+country where the sovereign will smile upon you as my bride, and you
+shall forget a land where women are sold like dogs. Bless you for the
+suggestion, dear Zara, I thought of it before; but dared not anticipate
+so much happiness. When will you fly with me?'
+
+"'At this hour, two days hence, I will be in the garden alone!'
+responded the girl, with a familiar glance.
+
+"'It is enough!' said Garstoff. 'I will be here with horses and arms,
+and morning shall behold you in the camp of my countrymen. Till then,
+farewell.'
+
+"The lovers separated so hastily, because Nemyl had commenced to move;
+Zara going with the mute attendant to her apartment, and Garstoff
+departing for his encampment. When both had disappeared, Nemyl arose to
+his feet, while a dim, but grim smile, played about his lips, and all
+signs of intoxication vanished.
+
+"'Oh, ho!' he muttered, between his set teeth. 'The son of a dog would
+rob me of my daughter and four thousand doblas. I will take good care
+to be in the garden two days hence, and the son of Shitan shall find
+what it is to rival the sublime sultan. They thought me drunk with
+grape juice, but they shall suffer for it. By Allah! they shall!' and
+he threw himself upon a couch, where he soon fell asleep, to dream of
+gold and vengeance.
+
+"The truce was within three days of its expiration and Garstoff,
+overjoyed at the success of his impious design, hastened to prepare for
+its execution. He procured horses, assistants, and arms; and on the
+night appointed proceeded towards the house of Nemyl. When within a
+short distance of the garden, he dismounted from his horse and leaving
+that together with the others provided, in care of a few soldiers who
+composed his guard, he drew his sword and walked cautiously towards the
+place of rendezvous. Climbing to the top of the wall, he paused for a
+moment to survey the scene beneath; but all was still as the grave, and
+he sprang into the garden. A few fleecy clouds had hitherto obscured
+the moon; but now she sailed beyond their shade, and by her silver
+light the Russian discovered a figure dressed in white, at a short
+distance in front of him.
+
+"'Zara,' he said, in low, distinct tones, going toward it.
+
+"'Christian, I am here,' answered Zara (for she it was,) and in another
+moment she was in his arms.
+
+"'We must haste away,' said Garstoff, when the first rapture of their
+meeting was over, and she hung upon his arm.
+
+"'Yes! yes! I am afraid Nemyl has discovered us. There have been
+strange men about the house to-day,' replied Zara, looking timidly
+about her; for guilt is ever suspicious, even in broad day.
+
+"Garstoff said no more, but quickly regained the wall; and, drawing
+forth a rope-ladder from under his coat threw it over the wall, so that
+it hung down on either side, and having fastened it in the middle,
+descended after Zara. Catching her in his arms, he darted back; and, in
+a few seconds, was standing with her upon the path.
+
+"'Whose steps are those?' she exclaimed, in terror, as the sound of
+advancing footsteps fell upon her ears.
+
+"'They are my soldiers, dearest,' answered her lover, applying a
+whistle to his lips, and blowing a shrill blast; although he was
+himself astonished that they approached before the signal agreed upon
+was given.
+
+"'Draw your sword, captain--we are surprised!' shouted his followers,
+as they rode hastily up; and almost before the annoyed Garstoff could
+clasp his weapon, a troup of fierce Circassians surrounded him, while
+another party attacked his soldiers with great fury.
+
+"'Surrender, dog of a Christian!' shouted Nemyl, in a voice of thunder.
+
+"'Not while I live!' answered the officer.
+
+"'Then disarm him, my men; but harm him not at your peril!' said the
+Circassian; and, after a desperate resistance, Garstoff was made a
+prisoner, Zara lay fainting in the arms of two stout mountaineers, and
+every Russian soldier bled to death.
+
+"'To the house with them!' said Nemyl, in his usual tones, leading the
+way with an air of triumph.
+
+"Garstoff soon found himself in the apartment where he had supped with
+the father of Zara, who now stood before him as his captor.
+
+"'You have repaid my hospitality with a vengeance,' said Nemyl.
+
+"'Beware how you abuse a Russian officer!' he answered, proudly.
+
+"'Remember, Christian, the truce expires to-morrow, and if I keep you a
+prisoner until then, you will be treated as a prisoner of war.'
+
+"'I know it.'
+
+"'You are now completely in my power; and there is but one feeling that
+withholds my sword from your heart. Do you know what feeling that is?'
+
+"'Fear!'
+
+"'No, Christian devil! Nemyl knows no such word! It is _gratitude_ for
+the preservation of my life towards my preserver. _You are free._
+Depart in peace.'
+
+"'I honor the nobility of your sentiments,' answered Garstoff, filled
+with admiration of such magnanimity; 'yet I would willingly yield my
+life to preserve Zara from the fate you promise her.'
+
+"'Mention not her name. She deserves the bowstring, instead of the
+Sultan's embraces,' said Nemyl, sternly.
+
+"'Are you then so insensible to----'
+
+"'Will you give me five thousand doblas for her?'
+
+"'A hundred thousand, if I had them!'
+
+"'But you have them not?'
+
+"'Alas, no!'
+
+"'Then you cannot have Zara. Depart in peace.'
+
+"Garstoff looked frantically about him for a moment and then rushed
+from the apartment like one demented.
+
+"'My friends,' continued Nemyl, turning to the mountaineers, who stood
+behind him--'I wished you to aid me in recovering a lost treasure, and
+you drew your swords for me. My daughter is delivered from the
+Christian robber, and six of his soldiers are sent to Eblis. I gave the
+dog his life, because he saved mine, when it was nearly forfeited; but
+we shall soon meet in battle, and then let the Giaour beware! Depart in
+peace, my friends.'
+
+"As I have before stated, Zara fell into a swoon, immediately after the
+first appearance of her father, on the evening of her attempted flight,
+and was carried to her chamber, unconscious of how the affray resulted.
+For two days, she was kept a prisoner in her own apartment, seeing no
+one but the little mute. At the end of that period, her father made his
+appearance, while she slept, and rudely pulled her from the couch on
+which she lay.
+
+"'Holy Prophet, have mercy!' she exclaimed, in an agony of fear,
+imagining that he intended to slay her.
+
+"'Dress, and prepare to depart!' thundered Nemyl. 'We must be on the
+road before day-break.'
+
+"Trembling like an aspen, Zara suffered the attendant to array her, and
+then asked, with quivering lips--
+
+"'Where do you intend to take me!'
+
+"'_To the Sultan!_' exclaimed Nemyl; and, as she sank upon her knees at
+his feet, he added, furiously, 'Base girl, you would have covered me
+with disgrace by following a Christian dog; but Allah gave me strength,
+and I slew the barbarian in his toils.'
+
+"In silence the girl rose to her feet, and signified her readiness to
+depart by a low salaam.
+
+"At the street door stood the litter prepared for her reception, and
+Nemyl pushing her into it, drew the curtains, and gave the signal to
+the drivers, while he mounted his horse and accompanied them. On
+arriving at the city of the Sultan (which they did after a tedious
+journey), Nemyl conveyed his daughter to the grand bazaar; for, in
+fact, he never received an offer from the Sultan, but spread the report
+that other purchasers might present themselves, whose positions would
+fail to gratify the desires of his inordinate ambition. Not long had he
+remained there with the litter, when the Kislar Aga of Soliman entered
+the bazaar, and made directly towards him, with long strides.
+
+"'What animal have you in your litter that you keep it closed like a
+cage?' asked the Aga.
+
+"'Your slave will show you that you may judge of it for yourself,'
+answered Nemyl, and drawing the curtains, disclosed Zara, with tears
+upon her cheeks.
+
+"The Aga started back in amazement at beholding such a display of
+beauty, and all his anger vanished like snow beneath a sunbeam. He well
+knew that the addition of such an ornament to the Sultan's harem,
+through his instrumentality, would add greatly to his consequence; and
+his satisfaction was so evident, that Nemyl beheld it with delight,
+and--profited by it.
+
+"'How much gold do you want for the girl?' asked the Aga, endeavoring
+to appear indifferent.
+
+"'Five thousand doblas,' answered Nemyl, composedly.
+
+"'Five thousand doblas! _Bismillah!_ dare you laugh at our beards? That
+money would buy a dozen women.'
+
+"'I was offered that by a Russian officer,' said the Circassian,
+without moving his eyes.
+
+"For a moment the Aga hesitated, but the idea of selecting a favorite
+speedily overcame all his scruples, and bidding Nemyl follow him with
+the litter, he proceeded to a private door of the imperial seraglio,
+and gave Zara in charge of two female slaves.
+
+"Thus was the fairest flower of Franquistan placed in the imperial
+garden, and he who had trained it was soon on his way home, with five
+thousand doblas in his pocket.
+
+"What pencil could portray the delight of his sublime highness, or what
+tongue could repeat the language of his immaculate lips, when he beheld
+his Aga's new purchase.
+
+"'_Barek Allah!_' praise be to God; 'what an hour!' he exclaimed,
+kissing her passionately.
+
+"'She is already a favorite,' said the Aga, and smiled.
+
+"'She will be a favorite,' said the queen's mother, and frowned.
+
+"Zara wept, and would not be comforted during the first few days of her
+residence at the seraglio; but finally the kind words of his sublime
+highness conquered her obstinacy, and throwing herself at his feet, she
+made a full confession of her fondness for Garstoff, and his vain
+attempt to carry her away by stratagem.
+
+"The Sultan was much afflicted by this news, for he really loved Zara,
+and was aware, that, should her defection become known, his honor would
+compel him to plunge her lifeless body into the Bosphorus.
+
+"'My dear Zara,' he said, encircling her waist with his arms, 'you have
+been frank with me, but beware that you speak of this affair to no one
+else, or your life will surely be sacrificed. This Garstoff is dead,
+and can now be nothing to you; do not waste your affections upon a
+skeleton; but let them revert to me, and Soliman will become the slave
+of your will.'
+
+"In such a manner did the Refuge of Mankind talk to the daughter of
+Nemyl, until she gradually drew the veil of forgetfulness over past
+sorrows, and respected his sublime highness, if she did not love him.
+Taking the highest rank in the harem, no wish of hers remained
+unanswered; masters of every art were furnished as her instructors;
+subservient slaves were ever ready to do her bidding, and costly
+presents of every description rolled in upon the favorite, from those
+who had--axes to grind.
+
+"Each day the Sultan became more deeply in love with her, and in the
+same proportion, she became each day more odious to those, whom, from
+old age, or satiety, the magnificent Soliman had quitted for Zara.
+Among the most violent enemies of the new favorite, was the queen
+mother, who suborned the Kislar Aga to her will, and through him,
+maintained a thorough system of espionage upon every word and action of
+the object of her hatred; but Zara rendered all her efforts futile
+until one day while going abroad, she observed a person dressed in the
+janissary uniform, whose form appeared familiar; and what was her
+emotion, when he turned his face toward her, and discovered the
+features of _Garstoff_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Here the English member interrupted the reader, and says he:
+
+"Good gracious! I thought that fellow was dead."
+
+"No, sir," says the Turkish chap; "you should remember that Nemyl
+spared his life."
+
+"I don't remember anything about it," says the British chap, crustily;
+"but I suppose you told that part of the story when I was asleep.
+Proceed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"The Kislar Aga, who stood behind her litter, noted Zara's emotions and
+their apparent cause, and when he returned to the palace, made his
+instigatress acquainted with her rival's strange conduct. The wily
+woman at once perceived that Zara was partially in her power, and
+instructed her instrument to watch the favorite closely, and gain
+further information. Meanwhile, their intended victim suffered the
+pangs of remorse, and old feelings awakened from their long sleep,
+struggled fiercely with the usurping passions in her bosom.
+
+"The sight of the Russian, whom she believed to be in his grave, made
+her frantic with sorrow, and she resolved to speak with him, although
+by so doing, she would risk discovery and an ignominious end.
+
+"To accomplish her purpose she called upon the Aga, as he had always
+appeared devoted to her special interests, and, describing the person
+of her lover, asked him to carry a billet to Garstoff, and thus gain a
+rich reward.
+
+"'Aga,' she said, with composure, 'you must find this man, and ask him
+if his name is not Garstoff. Should he start, and answer yes, give him
+this slip of paper, and say no more.'
+
+"With many vows of fidelity, the Aga received the billet, and carried
+it direct to--the queen mother.
+
+"The latter person did not hesitate to open it, and read as follows:
+
+"'GARSTOFF: I have seen you, and would speak with you. Meet me near the
+mosque of Omar, to-morrow, at the tenth hour.'
+
+                                                           'ZARA.'
+
+"'She is caught at last,' said the triumphant plotter; 'but we must let
+the affair run on, until the Sultan may be convinced by his own eyes of
+her guilt.'
+
+"Accordingly, the slave departed in search of the disguised Russian,
+whom he soon discovered from the description given him by Zara.
+
+"'Is not your name Garstoff?' he asked.
+
+"'Great heavens!--yes, it is!' answered the janissary, in great
+confusion.
+
+"'Then here is something for you,' said the Aga; and, handing him the
+billet, turned upon his heel.
+
+"Great was the surprise of Garstoff when he read the letter; but joy
+quickly overcame wonder, and he hastened to procure a suitable disguise
+for the strange meeting.
+
+"At the appointed hour he stood before the mosque, and presently a
+muffled figure approached him, whom his beating heart proclaimed to be
+the long lost object of his adoration. It was indeed Zara, and, in one
+moment, they were in each other's arms.
+
+"The Russian hastened to relate his adventures since they last saw each
+other, and finished by saying:
+
+"'I gave up my commission, dearest Zara, to seek for you, and now that
+we once more behold each other, let us never part again. This hated
+uniform I assumed to facilitate my search; it shall be thrown aside now
+and forever.'
+
+"Then Zara commenced her narrative, but was quickly interrupted.
+
+"'Zara, tell me, for heaven's sake, have you listened to the Sultan's
+words of love? Are you, are you--his--slave?' gasped Garstoff,
+staggering against the wall.
+
+"Zara looked to the ground.
+
+"'I see it all,' he continued, in frantic accents. 'Zara, you are lost!
+lost to me forever! I go to my death. Zara, a last farewell!' He was
+about to leave her, when she caught his arm, and hissed in his ear:
+
+"'Is this your love that you once boasted of?'
+
+"'Zara, let me go; I am almost mad.'
+
+"'And I am _quite_ mad. Listen to me, faithless Christian. I beheld you
+in the streets when you saw me not, and have risked honor, life, every
+thing, to come to you, and be your slave. How could I help what has
+passed? My father--'
+
+"'Zara, you should have _died_ first.'
+
+"For a time she remained silent, with her head bowed, and then said, in
+low tones:
+
+"'Christian, you are right; I should, indeed, have preferred death to
+my present fate; but it is too late now. I will return to my _master_;
+yet do I hope to see you once again. Will you not grant me that favor?'
+
+"'Once more,' answered Garstoff mechanically.
+
+"'Then come here to-morrow, and you will find a large chest; place
+yourself in it, and two slaves will bring you to me. Do you promise?'
+
+"'I do, Zara,' and, in deep sorrow, Garstoff turned away.
+
+"'Base dog!' muttered Zara, as she again muffled her features, 'you
+have rejected the daughter of Nemyl, and she sleeps not while you press
+the earth.'
+
+"The favorite sped hastily back to the palace, and entered by a secret
+door, while the Kislar Aga, who had concealed himself near her at the
+mosque, and witnessed the interview, hastened to the queen mother, and
+made his report, when she exclaimed:
+
+"'Allah be praised! this Circassian will soon be under the Bosphorus;
+for Zara will meet her gallant, and his serene highness shall behold
+himself dishonored.'
+
+"Knowing the extreme affection entertained for Zara by Soliman, the
+cautious woman was wary in her communication, and did not reveal the
+whole matter, until the Sultan's suspicions had been aroused by her
+hints. He first ridiculed, then listened silently, then believed; and,
+finally, agreed to conceal himself in the Sultana's apartment, and
+judge for himself.
+
+"He waited until the moment of assignation approached, and was looking
+upon the unconscious object of his gaze with returning confidence, when
+a curtain of the apartment was raised, and two negro slaves entered,
+bearing a large chest between them.
+
+"Zara motioned for them to leave it and depart; and then raising the
+lid, Garstoff stepped forth, and the Sultan uttered an inward groan.
+
+"'Drink this, and it will give you strength,' said Zara, presenting a
+goblet of liquor to the janissary.
+
+"Garstoff raised the cup to his lips, and drained it at a draught; on
+which the fair Circassian burst into a fit of hysterical laughter.
+
+"'Is this a moment for merriment?' asked Garstoff, sternly.
+
+"'Wine makes me merry!' she answered, drinking from another goblet.
+'And now, Christian, do you know what you came here for?'
+
+"'To see you for the last time.'
+
+"'That is true, follower of Isauri--_you go not hence alive!_'
+
+"'What mean you, woman?' exclaimed Garstoff, starting from his seat
+with pallid cheeks.
+
+"'_I mean that you have swallowed poison!_' screamed Zara, the fire of
+insanity blazing from her eyes. 'You scorned the daughter of Nemyl, and
+she has taken revenge! Pray to Isauri--pray to--'
+
+"Garstoff dropped upon the floor, a disfigured corpse, and the Sultan
+bounded from his place of concealment upon Zara; but the purple veins
+of her forehead were swelling out like cords, and before he could speak
+to her she was--_dead!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Really," says Vitchisvitch, the Russian member, drawing a long breath,
+"there is too much of the 'blood and thunder' style about that story to
+suit me; but here is something more quiet."
+
+And he proceeded, my boy, to make known unto us
+
+
+                          THE LITTLE MAN IN GREEN.
+
+"On a clear, cold night in December, Nicholas Dimitri, a young officer
+of Cossacks, was walking slowly through a public street of St.
+Petersburg, with a military cloak thrown over his shoulder, and looking
+steadfastly to the ground, as though intent upon some prospect of no
+ordinary interest. Acquaintances of all ranks were constantly passing
+him, but their silent salutes met no return, and many a surmise was
+hazarded as to what his mission was, that it caused such evident
+abstraction in one so generally admired for his flow _d'esprit_.
+Unconscious of attracting attention, Nicholas strode onwards wrapped in
+thought, until he became aware of violent collision with some person
+going in an opposite direction, and almost immediately a hoarse voice
+exclaimed:
+
+"'What, in the name of all that's good, are you about? Are not the
+walks wide enough for both of us, that you must needs knock a man's
+breath out of his body in this way? By the Admiral's wig! I've a mind
+to return the compliment with my fists, you lubber.'
+
+"The officer of Cossacks started involuntarily, as his reverie was thus
+broken, and beheld standing before him a very stout individual, rather
+below the ordinary height in stature, with iron-grey hair, prominent
+features much embrowned, and clad in a plain green uniform, such as was
+worn by the privates in the army. The little man stood directly in his
+path, with an expression of good natured defiance resting upon his
+countenance, and flourishing a short cane in his right hand.
+
+"'I beg your pardon, sir,' said Nicholas, somewhat provoked, 'but I was
+hardly conscious of being in the street at all. Allow me to pass, sir,
+I am in haste.' He attempted to get by the little gentleman, but that
+person had no idea of allowing such a move, and in the coolest possible
+manner linked his arm with that of the impatient officer.
+
+"'It's my watch now,' he said, with a short laugh, 'and as you don't
+bunk in just yet, we may as well be company for each other. I ain't
+particular about which way you go, so up with your irons and we'll
+scud.'
+
+"'I can permit no such familiarities,' replied Nicholas, angrily,
+attempting to release his arm. 'Are you intoxicated, that you do not
+perceive I am an officer? Let go my arm, sir, or I will call the
+patrol, and place you under guard.'
+
+"Notwithstanding this threat, the little man still hung on, and walked
+boldly beside him with great good humor.
+
+"'Ha! ha! you think I belong to the army, Mr. Officer,' he observed,
+with much jocularity. 'I know rather more about the sea, and never tip
+my cap to anything less than a frigate captain. But never mind that.
+This street should be better lighted, and yet if it had been, I should
+never have known you--don't you think so? Now really don't you think
+the Emperor or Czar should pay more attention to lighting the streets?
+I should think the people would grumble about it--don't they?'
+
+"Seeing that his new acquaintance was determined to walk beside him,
+the officer had resolved to let him talk without venturing a reply, but
+this slur upon the Czar wounded his pride, and he answered impatiently,
+
+"'You cannot be a Russian, sir, or you would not dare speak thus
+disrespectfully of the greatest, noblest, and best living sovereign.
+Why should we need more light, sirrah, when the moon is shining
+brightly? Let me warn you not to speak this way before others, or you
+may receive rough treatment. Every Muscovite honors and loves the Czar
+as a father, and a slighter cause than that just given by you has cost
+many a foreigner his life in St. Petersburg.'
+
+"As the young man spoke, he seemed to forget his companion, and yielded
+his whole soul to the enthusiasm of loyalty.
+
+"'I like you,' said the little man, heartily.
+
+"'Indeed!'
+
+"'Yes, and will help you.'
+
+"'Help me?' asked Nicholas, stopping suddenly in his walk, eyeing his
+companion with mingled astonishment and suspicion.
+
+"'I said so. Is there anything extraordinary in that!'
+
+"'Who are you?' demanded the officer, sternly.
+
+"'No matter about that. I am your friend.'
+
+"'How do I know that?' asked Nicholas, still more astonished.
+
+"'I will prove it. You are in love!'
+
+"'Most men are at some periods of their lives.'
+
+"'Very true, but _you_ are in love _now_, and the lady of your
+affection is far above you in station.'
+
+"'How in heaven's name do you know this? Who are you?' exclaimed the
+officer, completely thrown off his guard, and staring wildly at his odd
+companion.
+
+"'It matters not how I know, or who I am. Let it suffice to say that I
+_do_ know, and can aid you,' said the little man, with a more dignified
+air than he had before assumed. 'Restrain your feelings, and merely
+answer yes or no, to what I am about to say. You are loved by the lady?'
+
+"'I believe--or, rather, trust so.'
+
+"'She is the Countess Walewski?'
+
+"'No.'
+
+"'Her ward Olinska?'
+
+"'I shall answer no more questions,' said Nicholas, compressing his
+lips.
+
+"'Then, Mr. Officer, I will ask no more questions, but confine myself
+strictly to statements. You love Olinska, and have a rival in Admiral
+Praxin, who is favored by the Czar. So strong are your rival's claims
+that you have no resource save a clandestine marriage. You are now on
+your way to the hotel of the Countess, intending to perfect your plans
+with her aid, and baffle the Czar in his designs for the advantage of
+Admiral Praxin. Don't say a word to me now, you will receive a message
+before long. Good night, Nicholas Dimitri.'
+
+"The little man nodded his head most knowingly, and fairly ran off,
+leaving the astounded lover looking at the moon.
+
+"Nicholas remained perfectly still for some moments, looking vacantly
+upward, and then went on his way, like one who had just awakened from a
+strange dream.
+
+"'What can this mean?' he asked himself. 'This man, whom I never saw
+before, has told me of things which no mortal save myself should know,
+and he is even acquainted with my name. This matter must be quickly
+settled, or I shall be placed under arrest, with no hope for the
+future.'
+
+"Arriving presently at the door of an aristocratic mansion, he sent up
+his card, and was speedily ushered into an elegant boudoir, where a
+beautiful and richly-dressed lady was waiting to receive him. The
+Countess Walewski was not a young woman, yet the bloom of earlier years
+still lingered on her cheek, and the sprightly vivacity of girlhood
+shot forth from her dark brown eyes.
+
+"'My dear Nicholas, you are behind time,' she said, giving her hand to
+the young officer, and causing him to take a seat beside her on a
+velvet couch. 'Lovers are not often tardy in keeping their
+appointments, but as I am not the lady, I must excuse you. Upon my
+word--I did not observe it before--you look discontented. Nothing has
+happened, I hope?'
+
+"'Dearest lady, we are betrayed!' answered Nicholas, gloomily.
+
+"'You are jesting.'
+
+"'Would to God, I were! A strange man encountered me in the street as I
+came hither--' and Nicholas gave a full account of his interview with
+the little man in green.
+
+"The Countess appeared much alarmed by the narration, and, for some
+moments after its conclusion, remained silent, but at length she
+recovered sufficient courage to reply,
+
+"'This is strange indeed--and yet, Nicholas, this man may be a member
+of the police, who, as you know, make themselves masters of our very
+thoughts. You say he expressed a desire to assist you, and declared
+himself your friend; he may have some object in this we know not of--'
+
+"'No living man shall rob me of my prize,' interrupted Nicholas,
+passionately. 'Olinska will be guided by me, and before morning we will
+be far from the capital. There is no time to lose; we must hasten
+towards Moscow this very night. Where is she? Why is she not here to
+meet me?'
+
+"'Restrain your passion; be prudent, I entreat you,' exclaimed the
+Countess, grasping his wrists. 'Olinska loves you, and you alone; but I
+am her guardian, and she submits to my wishes, as duty bids her. Be
+yourself, Nicholas, and avoid any rash action. You cannot see Olinska
+to-night.'
+
+"'Has your ladyship combined with my enemies to make a madman of me?'
+asked the officer, with great bitterness.
+
+"'Have my actions been those of an enemy?' responded the Countess, with
+a reproachful smile. 'My dear Nicholas, I would have spared you a pang,
+but you compel me to tell all. My ward is to have an interview with
+Admiral Praxin to-morrow, by order of the Czar.'
+
+"'With Admiral Praxin!' exclaimed Nicholas, starting to his feet.
+
+"'Such is the truth. I do not believe that Peter will compel Olinska;
+but his command was imperative, and must be obeyed at all risks. Do not
+fear for Olinska--she is wholly yours, though a king should ask her
+hand. The Admiral can only sue to be rejected, and after that you must
+fly.'
+
+"'Lady, I submit to your wishes,' said Nicholas. 'I honor the Czar, as
+all Russians should honor him, but Olinska shall be mine, though he
+should send a dozen admirals to thwart me.'
+
+"After some further consultation of a desultory character, the officer
+of Cossacks took his leave, and retired to a bed rendered sleepless by
+doubts and fears.
+
+"On the following morning, before he had completed his toilet, a
+servant entered the apartment to announce a visitor, followed by a
+little creature, not more than three feet in height, dressed in a
+livery of blue and silver.
+
+"'This gentleman desired to speak with you, sir, immediately,' said the
+grinning servant, pointing to the new comer, and bowing himself out of
+the room.
+
+"The minute specimen of humanity said not a word, but assumed an air of
+great consequence, and with much ceremony presented a letter. Nicholas
+could not repress a smile at the messenger's grotesque appearance, but
+his mirth sobered into surprise when he read as follows:
+
+"'NICHOLAS DIMITRI: The bearer of this missive is my servant, who will
+be of great service to both you and myself, in events about to
+transpire. Answer his questions without hesitation, and rest assured
+that Olinska shall be yours, despite the Czar and Admiral Praxin, or I
+am much mistaken. I will be present at the wedding. Your friend,
+
+                                            "'THE LITTLE MAN IN GREEN.'
+
+"The young officer dropped the note from his hand, and eyed the dwarf
+in silent amazement.
+
+"'Is that your death warrant?' asked the latter, ironically.
+
+"'Who wrote this?' demanded Nicholas.
+
+"'My master.'
+
+"'And who is your master?'
+
+"'The Little Man in Green. Ha! ha!' laughed the dwarf.
+
+"'His name? I must know his name!' exclaimed Nicholas.
+
+"The abbreviated Mercury placed a finger beside his little nose, in a
+very knowing manner, at the same time winking sagaciously.
+
+"'I can answer no such question,' he said; 'my master desires to remain
+_incog._ at present. My name is Orloff, and I wish you to answer one
+inquiry: Does the ward of the Countess Walewski have an interview with
+Admiral Praxin to-day?'
+
+"'She does.'
+
+"'That is sufficient; you will hear from me soon,' and Orloff fled
+through the open door, with a speed truly marvelous.
+
+"Nicholas called after him in vain, and then called his servant to
+dress him, with a vague apprehension of evil, and a belief that no
+lover ever had so many to assist his wooing as himself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Olinska, the daughter of a noble Polish family, was deprived of her
+parents at an early age, and selected for her guardian the high-minded
+Countess Walewski. Her childish years were spent in Warsaw, the city of
+her forefathers; but the Countess was obliged to remain at St.
+Petersburg, being a member of the Czarina's household, and thither she
+called her ward, to be presented at court, and drown the memory of her
+sorrows in the gaieties of the capital.
+
+"Young, beautiful and unsophisticated, chaperoned by an illustrious
+lady, and reputed to be heiress of great wealth, the Polish maiden
+speedily became the magnet and toast of a brilliant circle, and a prize
+for which scores of young nobles contended. But the heart of Olinska
+was not to be purchased with titles, and while the scions of
+aristocracy knelt vainly at her feet, she bestowed her virgin
+affections upon Dimitri, whose silent homage defeated that of all
+others, with its proud, peculiar dignity. Military rank is esteemed by
+the Russians as little inferior to that of inheritance; yet they
+acknowledge a difference, and the line drawn between them by the usages
+of society cannot be overstepped with impunity. The young officer,
+although admitted into court circles, was aware of the distance between
+himself and the lady in a social sense; but the encouragement she gave
+him, so insensibly drew them together, that disparity of birth was
+forgotten, and love--the great leveller of conditions--reigned
+paramount.
+
+"However misanthropically a man may express his indifference to the
+world's opinion, we are all, more or less, its most subservient slaves,
+and although Nicholas Dimitri assured his idol that the gossip of
+fashionables was nothing to him, he deemed it proper to solicit the
+kind offices of the Countess, as a go-between; and apparently visited
+the guardian, when, in reality, the fair ward was the object of his
+intentions.
+
+"Peter the Great, who, at that period, occupied the throne of Russia,
+had an unpleasant habit of rewarding his bachelor friends for worthy
+deeds, with the hand of some fair maiden of his court; and, having
+beheld the Polish lady, he resolved to bestow her upon Admiral Praxin,
+who, though often regarded with suspicion by his sovereign, had lately
+rendered 'the state good service.' Olinska repulsed the old sailor's
+advances with disdain; but the Czar requested her to grant him a
+private interview, and a request from such a source being synonymous
+with a command, the lady felt obliged to grant it.
+
+"Alone she sat, in a gorgeously furnished apartment, when the Admiral
+was announced, her sable locks shading a neck and bosom that rivalled
+the snow in their whiteness, and supporting her head with a hand of
+nature's choicest modeling.
+
+"Admiral Praxin was a man in the 'sere and yellow leaf' of meridian
+life. His form was firm and upright, and his costume was that of a
+youthful courtier; but deep wrinkles tracked his brow with the
+footprints of age, and his hair had caught the snow-flakes of the
+mountain's farther side. That foretaste of eternal torments, the gout,
+had rather confused the measure of his tread, and the stout old Admiral
+entered the lady's presence with an ungraceful limp.
+
+"As he passed into the room, a little figure clad in blue and silver,
+followed him noiselessly and, with wonderful agility, darted behind a
+curtain of the window.
+
+"Olinska received her admirer with some embarrassment, which he seemed
+at first to reciprocate; but at length, after many leers and grimaces,
+his countenance assumed a determined expression, and he went directly
+to the point.
+
+"'Madam,' he said, 'you can scarcely be ignorant of the object for
+which I now visit you; nor can you feel more deeply than I the
+extremely unpleasant position in which we are both placed, by the
+desire of Peter. Aside from the duty I owe my sovereign of submitting
+entirely to his will, I have a sentiment in my heart, which, should it
+find a reflection in yours, will make me the happiest of men. My title
+and fortune are trifles; but the sentiment of love for yourself, united
+to that of loyal obedience, may, perhaps, be deemed by you as more
+powerful suitors for your hand and heart.'
+
+"'It were foolish in me to pretend to misunderstand you, my lord,'
+replied Olinska, with dignity. 'I am aware that the Czar favors your
+suit, and looks upon me as a fitting bride for one whom he delights to
+honor; but, greatly as I honor and respect both my sovereign and
+yourself, I must positively refuse obedience in this instance, and
+assume the right to act for myself. I am deeply grateful to you, my
+lord, for your intended kindness, but must, with all due respect,
+reject your offer, and close our interview.'
+
+"As she spoke, her bosom heaved with emotions boiling within, her eye
+flashed, and the right of woman to maintain her prerogative shone from
+every feature.
+
+"'Consider well, lady, before you drive me to despair by such cruelty!'
+exclaimed the Admiral, with vehemence. 'Consider what you are casting
+aside as worthless. I have influence at court beyond that of the most
+powerful; the very Czar fears to offend me, and the wife of Admiral
+Praxin will be second only to the imperial Catherine in grandeur and
+dominion. Let me hope that this is only maiden coyness, and that
+deliberation may alter your decision.'
+
+"'I will not deceive you, my lord,' responded the lady, 'by awaking
+hopes which can never be realized. My hand shall never be yielded to
+any man by compulsion, or implied claims which I do not acknowledge;
+nor do I recognize any other right than my own to dispose of it. Dwell
+upon the subject no longer, or your title to the name of friend will be
+forfeited. Allow me to retire.'
+
+"Dismay was betrayed in every lineament of the sailor's countenance, as
+he marked the firm tones in which these words were spoken; but anger
+quickly took its place as he asked, with a glance of suspicion,
+
+"'Lady, have I a rival?'
+
+"Olinska answered not, and arose to leave the apartment, when Praxin
+quickly intercepted her, and fell upon his knees.
+
+"'Olinska, you shall not leave me thus!' he exclaimed, in tones hoarse
+with excitement. 'If love will not incline you to accept me, let
+ambition do it. _I have the power to place you on the throne of
+Russia_, if you but say the word; your own countrymen, the refugees
+from Sweden, and twenty thousand discontented serfs will rise at my
+bidding; the navy is mine, and, by a wave of the hand, I can become an
+Emperor.'
+
+"With a look of the most unmitigated disdain, the lady regarded the
+supplicant at her feet.
+
+"'I will not parley longer with a _traitor_,' she said, in tones so
+cold and piercing that he involuntarily recoiled from her, and she
+walked from the apartment with a queenly air.
+
+"'I'll be revenged for this,' muttered the discarded suitor, as, with a
+frowning brow, he took his departure.
+
+"Then forth sprang Orloff from his place of concealment, with a smile
+of no ordinary magnitude distorting his little face.
+
+"'Good! and now for the Countess!' he exclaimed, following the Admiral.
+
+"Meanwhile, Nicholas had wandered about the city in a most pitiable
+state of apprehension, and was about to rush madly to the hotel of the
+Countess, when he beheld the dwarf hastening toward him, carrying a
+letter at arm's length.
+
+"'Here--from the Countess,' ejaculated Orloff, panting for breath, and
+handing him the missive. Nicholas hastily tore it open, and read:
+
+"'DEAR NICHOLAS:--Olinska has had an interview with the Admiral, and,
+from its results, I fear the worst. Have a chaise and four, at the
+private door of my hotel before sunset to-day. You may trust Orloff.
+
+                                           "'In haste,      WALEWSKI.'
+
+"'Shall I engage the conveyance?' asked the dwarf, with a grin.
+
+"'Yes! I will trust you,' replied the excited officer.
+
+"'You will find all in readiness, at the private door, by four
+o'clock!' said Orloff, and he disappeared as quickly as he came.
+
+"At the appointed hour, Nicholas repaired to the spot where a chaise
+and its attendants were awaiting him, and right speedily a muffled
+figure emerged from the private door, and touched his arm.
+
+"'Olinska, dearest Olinska.'
+
+"'Let us hasten, Nicholas, I fear we are betrayed,' answered Olinska,
+trembling in his arms.
+
+"The officer quickly placed her in the chaise, and the horses had made
+their first spring forward when a great tumult arose in the street, and
+looking forth from a window of the vehicle, Nicholas beheld, to his
+dismay, half a score of imperial cavalry galloping furiously toward him.
+
+"'Onward! onward!' he shouted to the drivers, and sank back upon his
+seat beside the fainting girl.
+
+"At the top of their speed fled the four chaise horses, making the
+vehicle bounce from the earth as though it were composed entirely of
+springs; but they were no match for the full-blooded animals of the
+cavalry, and the latter soon came up with them.
+
+"'Stop, in the name of the Czar,' said the leader, drawing his sword.
+
+"At the command, the postillions dropped their reins, and the chaise
+came to a dead halt. Then the door was burst open; and Nicholas, with a
+pistol in each hand, sprang into the road.
+
+"'Gentlemen,' he said hurriedly, 'you must allow me to proceed; the die
+is cast, and there is no turning back. Stand aside, sirs, I do not wish
+to shed your blood.'
+
+"'Colonel Dimitri,' answered the leader, 'we are sorry that such is our
+duty, but the Czar has ordered us to apprehend you and your companion;
+and carry you before him; I therefore apprehend you in the name of
+Czar.'
+
+"'This is tyranny and I will resist it to the last,' exclaimed the
+excited lover. 'I have not broken the laws, and am no political
+criminal. Why should I be treated thus? You may take me gentlemen, but
+not alive.'
+
+"'We must do our duty,' answered the other. 'Surround and disarm him,'
+he added, turning to his followers.
+
+"The soldiers approached to obey his orders, and the desperate colonel
+had levelled his weapons, when Olinska, sprang from the chaise and
+knelt upon the ground before him.
+
+"'Submit, Nicholas; for my sake submit,' she exclaimed, energetically,
+clasping her hands towards him.
+
+"Nicholas regarded her attentively for a moment, and then lowered his
+weapons.
+
+"'I am your prisoner,' he said; 'take me where you will.'
+
+"The captured pair, were returned to the vehicle, the horses' heads
+were turned, and in silence they proceeded to the palace of the Czar.
+
+"The imperial mansion was very different in those days from what it now
+is. No gaudy trappings, neither external nor internal, proclaimed the
+abode of royalty; for Peter the Great appealed to hearts, not the eyes
+of his subjects, and for the inspection of foreigners he had an army,
+unrivaled in discipline and accoutrements, by any in Europe. A small
+ante-chamber, plainly furnished, and adorned with various models of
+ships, paintings, and rude implements of warfare led into the hall of
+audience, equally unostentatious, and the imperial dining saloon, plain
+as that of an ordinary tradesman.
+
+"Into the latter apartment, Nicholas and Olinska were led by their
+captors, pale and silent, but undismayed.
+
+"A long table, bearing on its centre an immense pie, was loaded with a
+rich repast; and about it, were seated the most distinguished nobles
+and generals of the empire, and Admiral Praxin; while at its head, on
+elevated seats, appeared the Czar and Czarina.
+
+"'Ha! here are the two fugitives!' exclaimed Peter, observing the
+entrance of the party and approaching them.
+
+"Nicholas started at the sound of that voice, and looking up,
+recognized in his sovereign, _The Little Man in Green_.
+
+"'Your pardon, sire!' he exclaimed falling upon his knees, and
+remembering with the great trepidation how scurvily he had treated
+royalty in disguise.
+
+"'Arise, Colonel Dimitri,' said the Czar kindly; 'you need not think of
+what has past; I am satisfied that you are a true and loyal subject.
+But what possessed you to run away with this little rebel, man? Did you
+not know that she was affianced to Admiral Praxin?'
+
+"'Pardon me sire, I did not,' answered Nicholas.
+
+"'And you Olinska; you have disregarded our wishes, and thrown the
+gallant admiral overboard?' continued Peter, addressing the trembling
+girl, with a mixture of severity and good-nature.
+
+"Olinska bowed her head.
+
+"'What say you Praxin? Are you willing to yield your bride to the army,
+and let the navy remain a bachelor?'
+
+"The Admiral had turned all colors, at the first entrance of Olinska,
+but marking that she remained silent, he plucked up sufficient courage
+to reply.
+
+"'I cannot accept the lady's hand without her heart.'
+
+"'Did you sue for them like a man?' demanded Peter, sternly.
+
+"'I hope so, your majesty.'
+
+"'You lie, base traitor!' thundered the Czar, eyeing him with a glance
+that chilled his blood.
+
+"'Has _she_ betrayed me?' ejaculated Praxin, turning deadly pale, and
+involuntarily clutching the handle of his sword.
+
+"'No,' answered Peter in hoarse tones, 'witness, come forth.'
+
+"At that moment, the upper covering of the great pie was observed to
+move, and in another instant, it was thrown back, discovering the
+mighty Orloff, seated within the dish.
+
+"'God save the Czar!' said the dwarf, rising and stepping forth upon
+the table, with a bow of studied politeness.
+
+"'Orloff, point out the traitor,' said Peter.
+
+"Orloff assumed an air of great penetration, and pointed toward the
+Admiral, who stood alone, with his back against the wall, a perfect
+picture of despairing guilt.
+
+"'That is the man,' said the dwarf.
+
+"'Give your proof.'
+
+"'Your majesty must know, that I was present while Admiral Praxin was
+wooing the lady Olinska, and heard him say that your majesty dared not
+offend him; he also declared that she had but to say the word, and he
+would make her an Empress, explaining how he had the Poles, the Serfs,
+the Swedish refugees, and the navy at his command, ready at his bidding
+to make him Emperor of Russia.'
+
+"'What say you to this charge?' demanded Peter.
+
+"Praxin had regained somewhat of composure during the dwarf's speech;
+and at its conclusion he approached the Czar and falling upon his
+knees, surrendered his sword and belt.
+
+"'I am guilty,' he said, in firm tones. 'Take my sword, gracious
+sovereign, and with it receive back the commission I have forever
+disgraced. In a moment of ungovernable passion I spoke words which
+should have choked me ere I uttered them, and which I would give my
+life to recall. I desire no mercy; yet I would ask forgiveness of
+Olinska, for daring to breathe treason in her presence.'
+
+"'Let us both forget it,' said Olinska, gently.
+
+"'Alas _I_ can never forget it,' he replied, pressing her hands to his
+lips, and resuming his former attitude.
+
+"The Czar gazed some moments attentively and silently upon the face of
+Praxin, as though to read his inmost soul, and then turning to
+Nicholas, he said:
+
+"'Colonel Dimitri, it is but just that I should explain my conduct to
+you and Olinska, as it was by making an unconscious tool of you that I
+have ferreted this matter out. I intended that Olinska should have
+wedded the Admiral, not knowing that her affections had been given to
+another; but lately I have distrusted him and ordered a spy of the
+police to watch him closely. My agent speedily brought me news of
+_your_ engagement, and your intended course; and I resolved to throw
+myself in your way, and gain a slight knowledge of your character. You
+know how I succeeded in that attempt. I also requested Olinska to
+receive the Admiral privately, and sent Orloff to be present--though
+concealed--at the interview. The Countess Walewski was made acquainted
+with my plans, by the dwarf, and hence your presence here. As a
+punishment for an attempt to outwit me, I command that you be married
+before you leave the palace. As for you, Admiral,' he continued,
+turning to Praxin, 'in consideration of the many services you have
+rendered us, I grant you a free pardon. You have been humiliated in the
+eyes of your friends, and have failed to win a prize worthy of my best
+subject. May you learn the lesson that passion will not always excuse
+dangerous words, nor is a sovereign's leniency everlasting.'
+
+"Universal rejoicings followed this generous speech, and the victims of
+the royal whim retired from the imperial palace, married--for better or
+worse."
+
+This Russian tale sent us all home very thirsty, my boy; for its effect
+was very dry.
+
+                                            Yours, weariedly,
+                                                       ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LXXIV.
+
+  CONCERNING THE SERIOUS MISTAKE OF THE VENERABLE GAMMON, THE
+      CHAPLAIN'S POETICAL DISCOVERY, THE PROMOTION OF COMMODORE HEAD,
+      AND THE RECEPTION OF THE PRESIDENT'S PROCLAMATION BY THE
+      SOUTHERN CONFEDERACY.
+
+
+                                  WASHINGTON, D. C., October 12th, 1862.
+
+The Southern Confederacy having delayed to sue for peace, my boy, until
+the safety of Washington requires that national strategy should
+continue metaphysical hostilities, it may be as well for you and me as
+a nation to prepare for a speedy commencement of War in earnest. The
+North, my boy, has not begun to fight yet; and as the stolid centuries
+roll on, and the hoary years move one by one into the sunless solitude
+of Eternity, it becomes daily more evident that the North's actual
+putting forth of all its strength is merely a question of time. The
+giant is only just rousing from his slumbers, and nothing but his legs
+and feet appear to be thoroughly awake yet.
+
+Now, is the time, my boy, for the idiotic Confederacy to save himself,
+by returning penitently to that beneficent Government which would have
+realized the millenium at half-past two o'clock on the Fourth of July,
+1776, but for the unseemly villainy of the accursed Black Republicans,
+many of whom are shortly to be hung.
+
+That is to say, such is the opinion of the Venerable Gammon, whose
+benignant presence is believed to have proved the salvation of our
+distracted country in the Revolutionary War, though I can find nothing,
+except his protecting patriarchal deportment toward all the present
+universe, to justify the idea that he ever benefited anything. It
+soothes the human soul, my boy, to hear this Venerable man discoursing
+on the most trite subjects in tones, and with an air calculated to
+bless all created things as with a paternal benediction. Surrounded by
+a number of his idolatrous national children, and standing in front of
+Willard's the other evening, he pointed fatly to a bright star
+overhead, and says he:
+
+"That star is like our country. That star," says the Venerable Gammon,
+with a meaningless smile of angelic purity, "is like any other star on
+our flag; _though clouds may hide it in its ascending node, it is still
+knowed to be ascending_."
+
+Then everybody felt cheered with the peaceful conviction that Columbia
+was saved at last; and it's my private belief, my boy--my private
+belief, that the attached populace looked upon this good old man as the
+one who had made the star.
+
+Yet, strange as it may seem, this venerable Benefactor made a little
+mistake on Tuesday. A sportive young chap came to him with a newspaper
+in his hand, and says he: "Let me see if you can tell, my _Pater
+Patria_, what paper this article is in"--and proceeded to read the
+following high-minded editorial:
+
+                  "TREASON OF THE BLACK REPUBLICANS.
+
+"True to their foul instincts, the Greely, Cheever, and Wendell
+Phillips herd of treasonable fanatics are now accusing their 'Honest
+Old Abe' of ruining the country. It was their votes that elected the
+rail-splitter, and now they turn tail upon him and howl maledictions
+because he will not carry out their fiendish intents by erecting a
+revolutionary guillotine in every Northern town and city. That
+blasphemous mountebank, Beecher, may as well cease his treasonable
+impiety at once; for he and his Sharps'-rifle crew are responsible for
+the present bankruptcy of the whole country, and the people will yet
+hold them to strict account for every drop of blood that has been and
+will be shed in this unnatural strife."
+
+When sportive chap ceased reading, the Venerable Gammon waved his obese
+hand with the fond, familiar air of a pleased benignity, and says he:
+
+"Of course, I know what paper that is, my son. I know the ring of those
+sterling conservative sentiments," says the Venerable Gammon, with calm
+satisfaction, "and am blessed in the knowledge that our loyal New York
+Herald is still true to the Constitution and to the principles of my
+old friend, Georgey Washington--or 'old Wash,' as he permitted me to
+call him."
+
+The sportive chap softly picked his teeth with a wisp from a broom, and
+says he: "But this ain't the Herald at all, you dear old soul; it's a
+copy of the Richmond Whig!" It was at this very moment, my boy, that
+the Venerable Gammon was first attacked by that dreadful cough which
+put an end to all further conversation, and has since excited the most
+fearful apprehensions lest a bereaved country should suddenly be called
+to mourn the untimely loss of its benign idol.
+
+On Tuesday afternoon, I had a talk with the Mackerel chaplain, who had
+remained here over Sunday to administer consolation to a dying
+brigadier, and was grievously wounded in spirit to find that the
+telegraph had committed a trifling breach of spelling, and that that
+brigadier was only dyeing his hair, which had suddenly turned white in
+a single night on the strength of a rumor that there might be some
+fighting in the morning.
+
+The Mackerel chaplain, my boy, is of inestimable value to a wounded
+man, his vivid and spiritual manner of describing the celebrated Fire
+Department of the other world being a source of unspeakable comfort and
+reassurance to the sufferer. "I am afraid you have led a sinful life,
+my fellow-worm," says he to the sick Mackerel, "and can only advise you
+to buy one of these hymn-books from me, which I can afford to sell for
+six shillings."
+
+But what the chaplain talked to me about, was his discovery, at a
+village not far from Winchester, of a new
+
+                "PICCIOLA."
+
+  It was a Sergeant old and gray,
+    Well singed and bronzed from siege and pillage,
+  Went tramping in an army's wake,
+    Along the turnpike of the village.
+
+  For days and nights the winding host
+    Had through the little place been marching,
+  And ever loud the rustics cheered,
+    'Till ev'ry throat was hoarse and parching.
+
+  The Squire and Farmer, maid and dame,
+    All took the sight's electric stirring,
+  And hats were waved and staves were sung,
+    And kerchiefs white were countless whirring.
+
+  They only saw a gallant show
+    Of heroes stalwart under banners,
+  And in the fierce heroic glow,
+    'Twas theirs to yield but wild hosannahs
+
+  The Sergeant heard the shrill hurrahs,
+    Where he behind in step was keeping;
+  But glancing down beside the road
+    He saw a little maid sit weeping.
+
+  "And how is this?" he gruffly said,
+    A moment pausing to regard her;--
+  "Why weepest thou, my little chit?"--
+    And then she only cried the harder.
+
+  "And how is this, my little chit?"
+    The sturdy trooper straight repeated,
+  "When all the village cheers us on,
+    That you, in tears, apart are seated?
+
+  "We march two hundred thousand strong!
+    And that's a sight, my baby beauty,
+  To quicken silence into song
+    And glorify the soldier's duty."
+
+  "It's very, very grand, I know,"
+    The little maid gave soft replying;
+  "And Father, Mother, Brother too,
+    All say 'Hurrah' while I am crying;
+
+  "But think--O Mr. Soldier, think,
+    How many little sisters' brothers
+  Are going all away to fight
+    And may be _killed_, as well as others!"
+
+  "Why bless thee, child," the Sergeant said,
+    His brawny hands her curls caressing,
+  "'Tis left for little ones like you
+    To find that War's not all a blessing."
+
+  And "Bless thee!" once again he cried;
+    Then cleared his throat and looked indignant,
+  And marched away with wrinkled brow
+    To stop the struggling tear benignant.
+
+  And still the ringing shouts went up
+    From doorway, thatch, and fields of tillage;
+  The pall behind the standard seen
+    By one alone, of all the village.
+
+  The oak and cedar bend and writhe
+    When roars the wind through gap and braken;
+  But 'tis the tenderest reed of all
+    That trembles first when Earth is shaken.
+
+It is with infinite satisfaction, my boy, that I record the recognition
+of Commodore Head's priceless services on Duck Lake by the Secretary of
+the Navy. Our grim old son of Neptune is created Rear-Admiral, with the
+privilege of snubbing gunboat captains, receiving serenades, attending
+launches, and lavishing untold scorn upon the feeble imitations of
+affrighted Europe.
+
+Hence, there would appear to be an imperative demand in current
+literature for an authoritative
+
+                        SKETCH OF COMMODORE HEAD.
+
+This venerable ornament of our peerless naval service, to whom the eyes
+of the whole world are now directed, was born of one of his parents at
+an early period of his existence, and has since incurred the years
+temporarily elapsing between that epoch and the present auspicious
+occasion. The subject of our brief biography entered the navy when he
+was only fifty years old, as commander of the Mackerel iron-plated
+squadron on Duck Lake, where he became widely noted for success in
+fishing, as well as for his skill in eluding vessels running the
+blockade. At one time, indeed, he came very near capturing a
+Confederate ram, being only prevented by failing to find the key of the
+box containing his spectacles in time to reconnoiter the wily foe.
+Commodore Head's conversation concerning the speedy capture of
+Vicksburg, Charleston, Savannah and Mobile, is instructive to all
+minds, and his promotion is an event calculated to prove that the war
+is about to begin in earnest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Rear-Admirals, my boy, are an aristocratic institution; and their
+creation must serve to convince besotted Europe, that in making a naval
+distinction between rank and file, our discriminating Government knows
+how to compromise matters by bestowing a new rank upon an old file.
+
+It was on Wednesday that my architectural steed, the Gothic Pegasus,
+renewed his usual weekly journey to desolated Accomac, cheerfully
+conveying me thither at a speed that did not keep the same roadside
+house in view more than half an hour at a time. Having hitched the
+funereal stallion to a copy of Senator Sumner's recent Faneuil Hall
+speech, believing that document sufficiently heavy to hold him, I gave
+him a discarded straw-hat of mine for his dinner, and strolled into the
+Mackerel camp.
+
+To the everlasting disgrace of our rulers be it said, my boy, I found
+the devoted Mackerel Brigade progressing toward deep suffering at a
+rate which made me thank Heaven that I owned no chickens within sight
+of the harrowing scene. Being thoughtlessly supplied with three days'
+rations at a time, these neglected martyrs incur all the perils of
+suffocation and cruel nightmare by doing nothing on the first day but
+eat from morning till night, what is left over at midnight being used
+to pelt each other with. Then for two whole days these gallant men who
+are fighting our battles find famine staring them in the face, and I
+actually heard one emaciated Mackerel chap offering a whole week's pay
+to another Mackerel chap for a Confederate cracker which he had picked
+up in a field, wishing to consign that cracker to his friends at home
+as a sample of the unnatural food with which an ungrateful Republic
+feeds its faithful soldiers. I even found many Mackerels without
+knapsacks and blankets, which they had lost in adventures at "Old
+Sledge"; and there was that in the countenances of others which sured
+me that their poor faces had not been washed since the commencement of
+the war!
+
+My soul turns sick at these things, my boy, and they even have an
+effect upon a beholder's stomach. To think that our noble volunteers,
+our country's preservers, should be subjected to sufferings in which
+they have not even the poor consolation of knowing that somebody else
+than themselves is responsible therefor.
+
+Reflectively I turned from the scene of agony, and had rambled some
+fifteen minutes in an adjacent bit of woods, when the sound of voices
+near by made me stop short behind a tree and peer eagerly through an
+opening in the nearest thicket.
+
+Seated just beyond some evergreen bushes were four dilapidated
+Confederacies, solemnly discussing the great Emancipation Proclamation
+of our Honest Abe; whilst close by them, and astride of a mossy stone,
+was the accomplished swordsman, Captain Munchausen, frantically, and
+with many hiccups, endeavoring at one and the same time to catch a
+phantom fly and maintain his equestrian position.
+
+One of the Confederacies took a bite from a cold potato which he held
+in his hand, and, says he:
+
+"I reckon that it's near time for the unsubjugated South to adopt
+Retaliatory measures, and proclaim that all prisoners hereafter taken
+by the Confederacy shall be previously shot and made into
+bone-ornaments."
+
+Here Captain Munchausen burst into an unseemly peal of laughter as he
+made another wild clutch at the phantom-fly, and says he:
+
+"Wher--where's Mary's--ary's--snuff-box?"
+
+Not perceiving that this special remark was relevant to the question in
+view, a second Confederacy merely tightened the string which held his
+inexpressibles in place, and, says he:
+
+"What has been proposed by the Honorable Gentleman from the Alms House
+is not sufficiently severe. No mercy should be shown to the Washington
+demon, and I move that any Federal soldiers found disturbing a
+Confederacy during the progress of a battle shall be at once executed
+for arson."
+
+The impression created by this motion extended even to Captain
+Munchausen, who fell flat on his face in a frantic attempt to catch the
+spectral insect, and exclaimed, in tones of awful solemnity:
+
+"I don't want (hic) to be marri--ry--arried--Hic!"
+
+After a moment's pause, the third Confederacy finished buttoning his
+coat with a bit of corn-cob, and says he:
+
+"I move that the last Resolution be amended, to make it a capital crime
+for any person whatever to be guilty of Federal extraction."
+
+Now, it chanced, my boy, that there was a Mackerel picket eating a
+confiscated watermelon in a clump of bushes close behind me; and just
+at this crisis of the debate, he casually tossed a piece of the rind in
+the direction of the Confederacies. It happened to fall in their midst,
+whereupon the enraged statesmen were seized with great tremblings, and
+immediately skedaddled in all directions, the last being Captain
+Munchausen, who at first endeavored to carry a rock of some hundred
+pounds' weight away with him, and ultimately retreated in a
+highly-circuitous manner, with an expression of abject despair under
+his cap.
+
+It is said, my boy, that the celebrated Confederacy will resent the
+Proclamation by raising the Black Flag. It is a common belief, that if
+such be the case, it will be the duty of our generals to raise the
+blacks without flagging.
+
+                                     Yours, if it come to that,
+                                                       ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LXXV.
+
+  SETTING FORTH THE FALSE AND TRUE ASPECTS OF BEAMING OLD AGE
+      RESPECTIVELY, AND SHOWING HOW THE UNBLUSHING CONFEDERACY MADE
+      ANOTHER RAID.
+
+
+                                  WASHINGTON, D. C., October 19th, 1862.
+
+It is a beautiful and improving thing, my boy, to see the wise and
+polished mob of a great nation paying unmitigated reverence to fussy
+gray hairs, and much shirt collar; and hence I never grew tired of
+considering the dignified case of the Venerable Gammon, whom everybody
+regards as the benign paternal relative of his country. When I see
+Generals, Senators, and other proprietors of Government property,
+hanging breathlessly upon the words of this sublime old man, just as
+though such words were so many gallows, I feel the cause of Justice
+typified to my mind's eye, and am myself enthusiastic enough to believe
+that hanging is too good for them. Whether at Willard's, the White
+House, the Capitol, or in his native Mugville, the Venerable Gammon is
+ever the same beneficent being, beaming blandly upon the whole universe
+from above his ruffles, and paternally permitting it to exist in his
+presence.
+
+The precise thing he has done in his fearfully long lifetime, my boy,
+to beget such an agony of love and worship from everybody, has not yet
+come to the immediate knowledge of anybody; but he is the moss-grown
+oracle of the United States of America, and it gives me unspeakable
+satisfaction to reproduce as follows, his benign letter of advice to
+the idolized General of the Mackerel Brigade:
+
+                                               MUGVILLE, July 4, 1776.
+
+DEAR SIRRAH,--Justly regarding you as the next President of the United
+States, and an honored successor of my old friend, Georgey Washington,
+I deem it proper, by reason of my great importance and infirmities, to
+repeat in writing with a pen what I have before spoken to you with my
+tongue--this supplement to my printed views (dated April the First) on
+the highly inflamed condition of our glorious and distracted Union.
+
+To meet the expectations of a populace admiring my venerable shape, I
+deem it consistent with my retiring modesty and infirmities to dictate
+to you the four plans you may pursue by way of making yourself
+President of our distracted Commonwealth in 1865.
+
+I.--Throw off the old and assume a new designation--the sly old party;
+give the South entire control of the whole country, and, my wig upon
+it, we shall have no secession; but, on the contrary, an early return
+of the entire Confederacy to Washington. Without some equally benignant
+measure, we shall be compelled to fight all the Border States and put
+them down at once, instead of keeping two hundred thousand soldiers
+peaceably employed in making their loyalty continually sure.
+
+II.--Collect the war taxes outside of the States where the tax-payers
+live, or declare upon paper that they are already collected.
+
+III.--Conquer the seceded States by the unheard-of agency of an actual
+army. I think this might be done in a few hundred years by a young and
+able general to be found on some railroad, with six hundred thousand
+disciplined spades. Estimating a third of this number to remain for
+ever stationary on the Potomac, and a loss of a still greater number by
+consummate strategy and changings of base. The loss of chickens and
+contrabands on the other side would be frightful, however great the
+morality of the mudsills.
+
+This conquest would cost money that might otherwise go to beautify the
+South, secure fifteen swearing and deeply-offended provinces, and be
+immediately followed by a new election for President in 1865.
+
+IV.--Say to the Seceded States, in one of which I own some mortgages:
+"_How are you, Southern Confederacy?_"
+
+                 Deliberately, I remain,
+                              Your father and the country's,
+                                                  V. GAMMON.
+
+This touching letter, my boy, I recommend to your most prayerful
+consideration, as a paternal outpouring of shirt-collared old age.
+
+Old age! how beautiful art thou in the glory of thy spectacles, and the
+sublime largeness of thy stomach and manner. And yet, would you believe
+it, my boy? I am sometimes possessed of great doubtings as to the
+genuineness of that majesty which makes a continually-looming Venerable
+Shape such a great blessing to an imperiled land. Sometimes there comes
+to me a rickety vision of:
+
+          AGE BLUNTLY CONSIDERED.
+
+  As Age advances, ails and aches attend,
+  Backs builded broadest burdensomely bend;
+  Cuttingly cruel comes consuming Care,
+  Dealing delusions, drivelry, despair.
+
+  Empty endeavor enervately ends,
+  Fancy forlornly feigns forgotten friends;
+  Gout, grimly griping, gluttonously great,
+  Hasten's humanity's hard-hearted hate.
+
+  Intentions imbecile invent ideas
+  Justly jocunding jolly jokers' jeers:
+  Knowledge--keen kingdom knurlyably known--
+  Lingers, lamenting life's long lasting loan,
+
+  Mammonly mumming, magnifying motes,
+  Nurtures numb Nature's narrowest nursery notes,
+  Opens old age's odious offering out--
+  Peevish punctilio, parrot-pining pout.
+
+  Qualmishly querrying, quarrelsomely quaint,
+  Rousing rife ridicules' repealed restraint;
+  Speaking soft silliness--such shallow show
+  That tottering toysters, tickled, titter too.
+
+  Useless, ungainly unbeloved, unblest,
+  Virtue's vague visor, vice's veiling vest,
+  Wheezingly whimpering, wanting wisdom, wit,
+  Xistence, Xigent, Xclaims--Xit!
+
+  Youths, you're yelept youth's youngest; yet you'll
+  Zestless zig-zaggers zanyable zealed.
+
+I exhibited that pleasing little poem to a Mackerel chap, who
+stuttered, my boy; and he came so near going into apoplexy through his
+endeavors to read it, that I was obliged to make a joke, in order that
+he might smile, relax, and recover.
+
+And now let your mind fly, like a wearied dove, to the celebrated
+Arcadian scenes of festive Accomac, where the Mackerel Brigade
+continues to reconnoitre in force, and awaits the death of the
+Confederacy by old age. Men, my boy, who entered this strategic war in
+the full bloom of youth, now go with stooping shoulders and tottering
+gait when they have a barrel of flour to carry, and the bloom has
+departed from every part of them save the extreme tip of that handle of
+the human countenance which first meets the edge of an open door in the
+dark. Even the Mackerel brass-band begins to grow feeble, often making
+pitiable attempts to execute stirring strains on his night key bugle,
+as though unconscious that by long disuse in his pocket it had become
+clogged with bread and cheese.
+
+There is, on the Southern border of Accomac, my boy, a solitary house,
+containing furniture and the necessaries of life, which the Conic
+Section of the Mackerel Brigade had been ordered to guard. It stands
+immediately on the verdant banks of Awlkwyet River, where that stream
+must be at least ten inches deep; and as the first regular bridge is
+ten miles below it, of course the Conic Section, to guard the house,
+was placed at the end of that bridge--it being a principle of national
+strategy never to recognize any Confederate raid not made across a
+regular bridge.
+
+Now it chanced, that while the Conic Section at the bridge was taking a
+short nap, having been up very late the night before; and while the
+beloved General of the Mackerel Brigade was visiting a portion of his
+beautiful home-circle in Paris, that a very dirty Confederacy, riding
+in a seedy go-cart, made his appearance on the bank of the river
+opposite the house, and commenced to make a raid right through the
+water to the shore this side. His geometrical steed wet his feet
+thereby, and the wheels of his squeaking vehicle were damped by this
+barbarian way of offering irregular opposition to the Government; but
+what cared he for the rules of civilized warfare, which are the only
+authorized West Point editions? Like all his infatuated countrymen, he
+was rendered less than strategic by the demon of Secession, and he
+crossed by the unmilitary ford instead of by the military bridge.
+
+This is, indeed, heart-sickening.
+
+There was a Mackerel chap who slept in the house to take care of a
+large black bottle, and when he heard the go-cart driving up before the
+door, he stuck his head out of the window, and says he:
+
+"What is it which you would have in these irregular proceedings, Mr.
+Stuart?"
+
+The Confederacy dismounted from his chariot, tied a bag of oats over
+his charger's head, and says he:
+
+"I'm making a raid."
+
+The Mackerel waved his hand southward, and says he:
+
+"You'll find the bridge just below. Don't stay here," says the
+Mackerel, earnestly, "or you'll exasperate the North to fury."
+
+Here the Confederacy made some remark in which the name of the North
+and a profane expletive were connected very closely, and proceeded to
+bring from the house a hobby-horse which stood in the hall. After
+placing this valuable article in his go-cart, he next brought out a
+cooking-stove; closely following this with some chairs, a dining-table,
+two feather beds, a tea-set, four wine-glasses and some tumblers, a
+looking-glass, four sheets, two cottage bedsteads, a Brussels carpet,
+and a Maltese cat. With these and a few other exceptions, my boy, he
+made no attempt to disturb private property; thereby proving that the
+President's Proclamation has already produced a wholesome effect in the
+degenerate South.
+
+While this was going on, the vigilant Mackerel guard descended
+privately from a back window, and made a forced march to where the
+Conic Section were watching something which looked like a man in the
+Southern horizon--instantly making known the audacious raid of the
+thieving Confederacy, and asking whether the new levies of the
+Executive's last call were likely to arrive early enough to take
+measures for the prevention of the capture of Washington.
+
+While the question was in debate, my boy, the beloved General of the
+Mackerel Brigade arrived with his trunk and umbrella from Paris, and
+having caused it to be telegraphed to all the reliable morning journals
+that the Confederacy were now in a fair way to be captured alive, he at
+once took measures to cut off the retreat of the latter. Captain
+Villiam Brown, with Company 3, Regiment 5, was at once ordered to
+construct a pontoon bridge across the river some miles below, and watch
+it vigilantly day and night; Captain Bob Shorty and Colonel Wobert
+Wobinson, with the Anatomical Cavalry, were dispatched to take
+possession of a railroad leading to Manassas; whilst Captain Samyule
+Sa-mith with the balance of the Conic Section, was commanded to make a
+detour of three hundred miles, and endeavor to reach the invaded house
+before midwinter set in.
+
+All these movements were in accordance with profound strategy, my boy,
+and cut off the Confederacy from retreat by every route in the world,
+except the insignificant one he came by.
+
+Satisfied that the war was going to end in about sixty days, after
+which we should have time to defeat combined Europe, the Mackerel guard
+hastened back to the domicil, which he reached just in time to find the
+Confederacy topping his go-cart with some kindling-wood from the cellar.
+
+I regret to say, my boy--I blush for my species as I make the
+incredible revelation--that upon receiving the information of his
+surrounding and probable strategic capture by the vigilant Mackerel
+Brigade, the irreverent Confederacy burst into a hideous horse-laugh,
+and at once proceeded to appropriate the poor Mackerel chap's own shoes
+and stockings. With the deepest horror I record, that he also tweaked
+the Mackerel's nose.
+
+"I did not intend this as a permanent invasion," says the impious
+Confederacy, as he remounted his go-cart and turned his geometrical
+Arabian toward the water again; "but I have just married a daughter of
+South Carolina--one of two twins--and reckoned that I needed some
+things to set up housekeeping. Farewell, foul Hessian," says the
+Confederacy, as he splashed through the water to the opposite
+bank--"fare thee well, and tell your fiendish ruler, that it is
+somewhat impossible to conquer the sunny South."
+
+The Mackerel chap gazed thoughtfully after the go-cart as it
+disappeared on the other side of the balmy Awlkwyet stream, and says
+he: "Rail on, my erring brother; but if you'd only stayed here one more
+week, you might not have escaped thus for seven whole days. Had the
+army been insufficient to secure you," says the Mackerel to himself,
+"had the army been insufficient to secure you, why, there's the police."
+
+Raids, my boy, are so intrinsically irregular in their character, that
+no provision can be made for them in a regular army; hence they are
+sometimes necessitated to take provisions for themselves as they go on.
+
+                                           Yours, radiantly,
+                                                       ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                             LETTER LXXVI.
+
+  REFERRING TO THE MOSQUITO AS A TEST OF HUMAN NATURE, EXPLAINING THE
+      LONG HALT OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE, AND NOTING THE COURT OF
+      INQUIRY ON CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN.
+
+
+                                  WASHINGTON, D. C., October 26th, 1862.
+
+Early this morning, my boy, I sauntered across the Long Bridge and took
+my seat upon the topmost rail of a fence enclosing a trampled meadow.
+There I sat, like Marius, my boy, contemplating the architectural ruin
+embodied in my Gothic steed, Pegasus, and ever and anon whistling
+abstractedly to my frescoed dog, Bologna.
+
+By the gods! I really love these dumb friends of mine. The speculative
+eye of the world sees in poor Pegasus nothing more than an
+architectural dream--the church architecture of the future--and, I must
+confess, my boy, that the Gothic charger _does_ look something like a
+skeleton chapel at a distance; it sees in Bologna only a mongrel cur,
+whose taste for the calves of human legs is an epicurean outrage on
+walking society. But for me, my boy, there is a human pathos in the
+patient fidelity of these zoological curiosities which appeals to my
+best manhood. I have had a hard and thankless life of it; my experience
+with the knowing political chaps of the Sixth Ward was enough to grind
+everything like human tenderness out of my nature, and make me turn
+into an arrogant and contemptuous misanthrope; but there are times when
+the cold nose of Pegasus against my cheek, or a wag from that speaking
+tail of Bologna--which curls up behind him like a note of
+interrogation, to ask how his master feels--will give me such a
+sensation of wishing to protect and be kind to the Helpless, that I
+feel myself a better man for the practical Christianity of such humble
+society.
+
+There is my mosquito, the youthful Humboldt, too! He came to me one
+night, about two years ago, my boy, practising much profound strategy
+to capture my nose; and when I foiled him by a free use of both arms of
+the service, the unterrified and humming manner in which he changed the
+base of his operations and came on again, excited my admiration and
+respect. Catching him in a little net cage made from the musquito bars
+of my bed, I kept him safely by me, and now use him as a test of human
+nature. In God's providence, each minute created thing has its
+appointed use, my boy, and depend upon it, the use of the musquito is
+to test human nature.
+
+There was a veteran political chap from Albany called upon me last
+Sunday night. A sage and aged chap of infinite vest, who wears the
+broad-brimmed hat of reticent respectability, and nestles in much
+shirt-collar like a centuried owl. Having taken a pinch of snuff after
+the dirty manner of a Gentleman of the Old School, he merely paused to
+take a hasty glance at the plan for the next Senatorial election in his
+note book, and then says he:
+
+"I'm grievously dis'pointed, yea, piteously vexed, to see the partisan
+spirit raging so furiously in State elections, at a time when an
+expiring country calls upon all her sons, irrespective of party, to
+join hands in the great work of saving her. Why cannot these turbulent
+denouncers of each other be like me, who recognize no division of party
+in this national crisis? I would have a union of all men to vote for
+the one great ticket of my choice; and even the democrat I would
+recognize as a fellow being in such a case."
+
+I suspected this grievous old chap to be a hypocrite, my boy, and I
+managed to let Humboldt free from his cage for the purpose of testing
+him. As the aged chap commenced to get warm, Humboldt began to make
+raids round his sagacious head, and with divers slaps in the air, the
+aged chap waxed spirited, and says he;
+
+"Pshoo! pshoo!--As I was saying, we should all strive to conciliate our
+political adversaries--pshoo! and endeavor to promote a spirit of unity
+even with the most disaffected peace men--pshoo, you beast!--and not
+act like Greeley and Wendell Phillips, and Beecher--confound it,
+pshoo!--and other infernal fanatics; who, by their indiscreet,
+imprudent--curse it, pshoo!--and infernal, God-forsaken niggerism, are
+wounding the tenderest feelings--thunder and lightning, pshoo!--and
+rousing the hellish passions of really good democrats, who thereby make
+capital from their sadly mistaken--blazes and blue lightning,
+pshoo!--and devilish craziness, which is unfortunately confusing--good
+heavens, pshoo, pshoo!--and damning their own party, and knocking
+thunder out of the gubernatorial canvass; besides--besides--"
+
+Here this aged chap made a flying leap at Humboldt, missed his aim, and
+then dashed madly from the room.
+
+Depend upon it, my boy, a musquito is a great test of human nature. The
+little chap operates like an outside conscience, and brings the real
+thing to the surface.
+
+Why does not the Mackerel Brigade advance?
+
+This, my boy, is the question of the hour. For what do our heroes wait?
+Is it for india-rubbers, or umbrellas, or fine-tooth combs? No! be not
+deceived: it is for none of these.
+
+Hem! The fact is, my boy, many respectable though married Mackerels
+entered the army of the Accomac when they were in the prime of life;
+and as old age steals softly upon them, as the seasons and the bases of
+operations run through their changes, and year succeeds year, the
+eye-sight of many of them waxes dim, and fails in the process of
+Nature. I know some thousands of Mackerels, my boy, who are already so
+blind that they have not seen a rebel for six months; and hence, no
+advance-movement can be judiciously made until the brigade is supplied
+with spectacles. Without these, the idolized General of the Mackerel
+Brigade will not do anything until he gets ready. It was the want of
+these, as I now discover, that prevented our troops seeing the Southern
+Confederacy when he made his late raid across Awlkwyet River. Let the
+spectacles be at once procured, my boy; or an indignant and bleeding
+nation will at once demand a change in the Cabinet.
+
+Company 3, Regiment 5, is the only Company yet fitted with glasses, and
+was therefore selected to make a reconnoissance toward Paris, under
+Colonel Wobert Wobinson, on Tuesday afternoon, for the purpose of
+discovering whether the Confederacies there were very tired of waiting
+yet. Glaring through their spectacles, these gallant beings advanced
+until they met a Parrot shell going the other way, and then returned
+with hasty discipline, bringing with them a captured contraband, who
+was so anxious to remain in their company that he actually ran very
+fast.
+
+Upon regaining the camp in Accomac, my boy, the colonel had the
+intelligent contraband brought before him, and says he:
+
+"If I mistake not, friend Africa, you were escaping from the bonds of
+oppression when we took you?"
+
+The intelligent contraband shifted a silver soup-ladle from one pocket
+to the other, and says he:
+
+"Yes, mars'r colonel, I hab left my ole mars'r for de good of his
+bressed soul." Here the attached bondman sniffed and shook his head.
+
+"Are you pious?" says Colonel Wobinson, much affected by such an
+example of humble devotion.
+
+"Yes, mars'r I is dat," says the fond creature, wiping his brow with a
+silk vest from his dress-coat pocket, "and I wished to save my ole
+mars'r from de sin of de wicked. I know dat it was wrong for him to own
+niggas, and dat he was more sinful de more he done it. And I run away,
+Mars'r Colonel, to save dat ole man's bressum soul from any more dam."
+
+Colonel Wobinson took off his spectacles in order that the steam from
+his tears might not dim them, and says he:
+
+"I had not looked for this in one so black. Leave those silver spoons
+with me, friend Africa, and I will send them to my wife. Sergeant,
+convey this dark being, who has taught us all such a lesson of
+self-sacrifice, to the chaplain; and tell the chaplain to look out for
+his pocket."
+
+How beautiful is it, my boy, to see in the uncouth, unlettered slave, a
+spirit of piety so shiningly practical. When I beheld the brutalized
+bondman evince such signs of religion, I am reminded of those tender
+and precocious little babes, who sometimes delight their mothers with
+exalted utterances of the like, and am inclined to believe that one
+knows just as much about it as the other does.
+
+It pains me to say, my boy, that Captain Villiam Brown so far forgot
+himself on Wednesday, upon discovering the non-arrival of the
+spectacles, that he used language of an incendiary description against
+the beloved General of the Mackerel Brigade, thereby proving himself to
+be one of those crazy fanatics who are trying to ruin our distracted
+country. He said, my boy, that the adored General of the Mackerel
+Brigade was a dead-beat, and furthermore observed that he would be very
+sorry to take his word.
+
+Such language could not pass unnoticed, and a Court of Inquiry,
+composed of Captains Bob Shorty, Samyule Sa-mith, and Colonel Wobert
+Wobinson, was instantly called. The Court had a decanter and tumbler
+only, to aid its deliberations, it being determined by the War
+Department that no fact which could be detected even by the aid of a
+glass, should go uninspected.
+
+Villiam having been summoned to the presence, Samyule declared the
+Court in session, and says he:
+
+"The sad duty has become ours, to investigate certain charges against a
+brother in arms which has heretofore been the mirror of chivalry. It is
+specified against him:
+
+"'_First_--That said Captain Villiam Brown, Eskevire, did affirm,
+declare, avow, testify, and articulate, with his tongue, licker, and
+organ of speech, that the General of the Mackerel Brigade was a
+dead-beat.
+
+"'_Second_--That aforesaid Captain Villiam Brown, Eskevire, did
+proclaim, utter, enunciate, fulminate and swear, that he would not take
+the word of the General of the Mackerel Brigade.'
+
+"What has the culprit to say to these charges? Did he say that our
+idolized Commander was a dead-beat?"
+
+Villiam smiled calmly, and says he: "The chaste remark exactly fits the
+orifice of my lips."
+
+"Confine yourself to English," says Colonel Wobinson, majestically.
+"What do you mean by the observation?"
+
+"Why," says Villiam, pleasantly, "I meant, that before he was beaten he
+must be dead. And after death, you know," says Villiam, reaching one
+hand abstractedly toward the decanter, "after death, you know, we must
+all _b'eaten_ by worms."
+
+This explanation, my boy, was satisfactory, and conveyed a grave moral
+lesson; but the court felt convinced that the second charge could
+not be thus simply answered.
+
+Captain Samyule Sa-mith set down the tumbler for a moment, and says he:
+
+"You're not guilty on the first count, Villiam; but didn't you say that
+you wouldn't take the word of the General of the Mackerel Brigade?"
+
+"Which I did," says Villiam.
+
+"And what excuse have you to offer, my trooper?" says Captain Bob
+Shorty, pointing the question with his spoon.
+
+"Is the general a gentleman?" says Villiam, searchingly.
+
+The court believed him to be such.
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, "then if he's a gentleman, he always _keeps_ his
+word, and of course it is impossible to _take_ it."
+
+Verdict of "not guilty, with a recommendation to mercy."
+
+Courts of Inquiry, my boy, are calculated to draw out the rich humor of
+military character, and are equally useful and appropriate with all
+other jokes, in times of devastating war.
+
+                                             Yours, smilingly,
+                                                       ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                              LETTER LXXVII.
+
+  SHOWING WHAT EFFECT DEMOCRATIC TRIUMPHS HAVE UPON THE PRESIDENT,
+      NOTING OUR CORRESPONDENT'S STRANGE MISTAKE ABOUT A BRITISH
+      FLAG, AND INDICATING THE STRAGETIC ADVANCE OF THE MACKEREL
+      BRIGADE.
+
+
+                                 WASHINGTON, D. C., November 7th, 1862.
+
+The late election in New York, my boy, has electrified everybody except
+our Honest Abe, who still goes about smiling, like a long and amiable
+sexton, and continues to save our distracted country after the manner
+of an honest man. On Tuesday night, a high moral Democratic chap, of
+much watch-seal, who had just received a dispatch all about the
+election, went to see the Honest Abe, for the express purpose of
+telling him that the Democratic party had been born again, and was on
+the point of protesting against everything whatsoever, except the
+Constitution of our forefathers. He found the Honest Abe cracking some
+walnuts before the fire, my boy, and says he:
+
+"The celebrated Democratic organization, of which I am Assistant
+Engineer, has carried the State of New York in a manner impossible to
+express, and will now proceed to demand of you a vigorous prosecution
+of that unnatural strife in which are involved our lives, our
+liberties, and the pursuit of happiness. We admire to see your harmless
+honesty," says the chap, blandly, "and we believe you to be a fresh
+egg; but we protest against the arbitrary arrest of men which is
+patriots, only conservatively Democratic; and we insist upon a vigorous
+prosecution of Constitutional hostilities against our misguided
+brothers who are now offering irregular opposition to the Government."
+
+The Honest Abe cracked a walnut, and says he: "You say, neighbor, that
+the organization still insists upon a vigorous prosecution of the war?"
+
+The Democratic chap sliced a toothpick from the arm of the chair with
+his knife, and says he: "That is the present platform on which we are
+_E pluribus unum_."
+
+"Well," says the Honest Abe, "I believe that you mean well; but am
+reminded of a little story.
+
+"When I was practicing law out in Illinois," says the Honest Abe,
+twisting the bow of his black necktie around from under his left ear,
+"there was an old cock, with two sons, living near me in a tumble-down
+old shanty. He lived there until half his roof blew off one windy
+night, and then he concluded to move to a new house, where the chimney
+didn't take up all the upper story. On the day when he moved, he'd got
+most all his traps changed to the other residence, and had sent one of
+his sons to see that they were all got safely indoors, when suddenly a
+shower commenced to come up. The old man and his other offspring, who
+had stayed to hurry him, were taking up a carpet from the floor at the
+time the first dose of thunder cracked, and the offspring says he,
+'Hurry up, old crazy-bones, or we'll be ketched in the freshet before
+you get up this here rich fabric.' The stern parent heeded the
+admonition, and went ripping away the carpet around the edges of the
+room, until he came near where the offspring was standing, and there it
+stuck. He pulled, but it wouldn't come, and he says, says he: ''Pears
+to me that dod-rotted tack must be a tenpenny nail--it holds on so.'
+You see, the old screw was very blind without his specs," says the
+Honest Abe, buttoning his vest askew, "and he couldn't see just where
+the tack was. Another peal of thunder at this moment made the irascible
+offspring still madder, and he says, says he: 'You misabul old cripple,
+if you don't hurry up we'll be ketched, I tell you!' As he made this
+dutiful remark he went stamping to the window, and at the same moment
+the cantankerous tack came out, and the aged parent went over on his
+back with the carpet up to his chin. He got up and dusted, and says he:
+'Well, now, that _is_ cur'ous--how suddent it went.' Then he proceeded
+to rip away again, until it came near the window, and there it stuck
+once more. The wild offspring saw him tugging again, and it made him so
+wrathy that he says, says he: 'Why in thunder didn't you take the nails
+out first, you crooked old sinner, you? It's enough to make me weep
+afresh for the old woman, to see how you--' But he didn't finish his
+observation; for, as he walked toward where the hammer lay, the tack
+came out, and the old 'un went to bed again under the carpet. Up sprang
+the sad parent, spitting rags, and he says, says he: 'Well now, how
+cur'ous--to think it should come so suddent!' Still on he went, until
+the carpet was all up from around the edges; but when he tried to draw
+it away on his shoulder, it was fast somewheres yet. R-r-rum-bum-boom!
+went the thunder; and says the infuriated offspring, says he: 'Well, I
+never did see such a blundering old dad as you be. We'll be ketched in
+the rain as sure as grasshoppers; and all because you didn't take my
+advice about the hammer in the first place.' The poor old 'un tugged,
+and pulled, and panted, and says he: 'Well, now, it _is_ cur'ous, I
+swun to massey. There can't be no tacks way out in the middle of the
+floor here, can they?' To make sure, the old blind-pate was going down
+on his knees to take a mouse-eye view, when all of a sudden he gave a
+start, and he says, says he: 'Why, 'pears to me, Sammy, _you're
+standin' on the carpet yourself!_' And so he was--so he was," says the
+Honest Abe, smiling into the fire, "and that was the why the carpet had
+stuck fast in so many places."
+
+"Now," says the Honest Abe, poking the Democratic chap in the ribs with
+his knuckles; "if your organization wants me to move vigorously in this
+war, tell them not to be standing on my carpet all the time. Otherwise,
+I must still keep tacking about."
+
+The Democratic chap had been slowly rising from his chair as this small
+moral tale drew toward its exciting conclusion, and at the last word he
+fled the apartment with quivering watch-seal.
+
+Our President, my boy, has a tale for every emergency, as a rat-trap
+has an emergency for every tail.
+
+It was on the morning of this same day, that I had a pleasing
+conversation on the state of our foreign relations with a phlegmatic
+British chap connected with the English Ministry, who is remaining here
+for the purpose of beholding anarchy in the North, which he has been
+requested to immediately communicate to one of Great Britain's morning
+journals. We were taking Richmond together at Willard's, my boy, and
+had just been speaking of the English Southern pirate "Alabama" in
+terms of neutrality, when suddenly the phlegmatic chap drew a roll of
+silk from one of his pockets, fastened it to his cane, unfurled it
+before my eyes, and says he:
+
+"By the way, sir, 'ow do you like this ere h'original h'idea of mine?
+Do you see what it is?"
+
+"Yes, friend Bifstek," says I, Frenchily, "that is indeed the Black
+Flag."
+
+The chap turned very red in the face, my boy, and says he: "The Black
+Flag! what a 'orrible h'idea! You must be thinking of the h'Alabama.
+What h'induces you to suppose such a thing!"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"Why," says I, "there's the Skull and Crossbones plain enough."
+
+"Skull and Crossbones!!" says he, "why, that's the beautiful Hinglish
+crest--a crown and sceptres; and this is my new h'original design, ye
+know, for a new Hinglish Revenue Flag."
+
+It was then, my boy, that I discovered my error, and apologized for my
+obliquity of vision. It was strange, indeed, that I should mistake for
+a skull the insignia of royalty, even though a crown is not
+unfrequently found identified with a numskull.
+
+On the same Tuesday, my boy, there was a small election in a town just
+this side of Accomac, and I went down there early in the morning, to
+the office of the excellent independent evening journal, that I might
+see the returns as soon as they came in. The editor was talking to two
+chaps--a Republican and a Democrat--and, says he:
+
+"The organ which my humble talents keep a-going is strictly
+independent, and I have no choice of candidates. I care only for my
+country, one and individual," says the editor, touchingly, "and can
+make no arbitrary discrimination of mere parties; but as you both
+advertise your tickets in my moral journal, a sense of duty may induce
+me to favor the side whose advertisement weighs the most."
+
+After this gentle insinuation, my boy, each chap hastily commenced to
+write his advertisement. The Republican inscribed his upon a _very_
+heavy piece of brown wrapping-paper to make it weighty; but the
+Democrat selected a plain bit of foolscap, only putting in a
+hundred-dollar Treasury Note, to keep it from blotting.
+
+When the editor came to look at the two, he coughed slightly, and says
+he: "I have always been a Democrat."
+
+"But my advertisement certainly weighs the most," says the Republican
+chap, hotly.
+
+The editor ate a chestnut, and says he: "Not in an intellectual sense,
+my friend."
+
+"My paper is twice as heavy as his," says the chap; "and as to the
+Treasury Note, I had some scruples--"
+
+"There!" says the editor, interruptingly, "you tell the whole story, my
+friend. In the temple of a free and reliable press, as well as
+elsewhere, some scruples bear very little proportion in weight to one
+hundredweight."
+
+The American press, my boy, might occasionally adopt as an appropriate
+motto, the present Napoleon's observation, that "_L'Empire c'est la_
+PAY."
+
+Turning from intellectual matters, let me glance at our country's hope
+and pride, the Mackerel Brigade, each member of whom feels confident of
+ultimately crushing out this hideous Rebellion as soon as national
+strategy shall have revealed the present whereabouts of the affrighted
+Confederacy. Last week, my boy, the Brigade moved gorgeously from
+Accomac, headed by the band, who played exciting strains upon his
+night-key bugle; and was only fired upon from the windows of wayside
+houses by helpless women, against whom the United States of America do
+not make war.
+
+Woman, my boy, is the most helpless of God's creatures; and is so far
+from having power to help any other being, that she even can't help
+being herself sometimes.
+
+The sun shone brightly down upon the spectacles of the ancient
+Mackerels as they once more took the road toward Paris; and as the
+light was reflected from the glistening glasses upon the carmine noses
+of which they were astride, it seemed as though each warrior had a rose
+in the middle of his countenance to symbolize the beautiful idea, that
+they had all arose for their distracted country's preservation.
+
+Captain Villiam Brown, mounted on his geometrical steed, Euclid, was
+conversing affably with Captain Bob Shorty, as they rode along
+together, when a Lieutenant of the Anatomical Cavalry came dashing
+toward him, and says he:
+
+"Captain, there's something missing from the rearguard."
+
+Villiam assumed a thoughtful demeanor, and says he: "Is it a miss fire?"
+
+"No," says the Lieutenant, agitatedly: "but we miss two--"
+
+"Not baggage wagons?" says Villiam, giving such a start that Euclid
+nearly fell upon his knees; "don't tell me that two wagons are missing."
+
+"Why no," says the Lieutenant, with emotion, "it's not two wagons that
+we miss, but two Brigadiers."
+
+"Ah!" says Villiam, fanning himself with his cap. "How you alarmed me.
+I thought at first that it was two wagons. Let the procession go on,
+and I'll send for two more Brigs the next time I have a friend going to
+Washington."
+
+It would please me, my boy, to detail the further movements of the
+Mackerels, but the cause of strategy demands that I should say no more
+on that topic just at present.
+
+The beloved General of the Mackerel Brigade was at Washington when he
+heard of the advance which his enemies would pretend that he did not
+lead in person, and says he to the messenger:
+
+"Are my gallant children ready for a fight?"
+
+"Much so," says the messenger.
+
+"Is the weather clear, my child?"
+
+"Salubrious."
+
+"Thunder!" says the General, valorously. "Then I really believe that I
+must move my headquarters across the Potomac!"
+
+The Potomac, my boy--to speak with all due reverence for sacred
+things--in the numerous backs and forths it so constantly imposes upon
+the military, would seem calculated to turn this war into another
+Crusade, and make all our heroes literal soldiers of the "cross."
+
+                                         Yours, metaphorically,
+                                                       OEPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                            LETTER LXXVIII.
+
+  IN WHICH THE STORY TOLD BY THE GERMAN MEMBER OF THE COSMOPOLITAN
+      CLUB IS DULY REPORTED.
+
+
+                                 WASHINGTON, D. C., November 12th, 1862.
+
+Herr Tuyfeldock, my boy, the high-Dutch cosmopolitan, supernaturalized
+the last meeting of the club with his old-fashioned story of
+
+
+                         HERMANN, THE DEMENTED.
+
+"At the base of a lofty mountain, and overshadowed by its beetling
+cliffs, stood a rude hut, built of heavy logs, and surmounted by a
+roof, the eaves of which descended in broad scollops over the windows
+of the tenement, and gave it the appearance of a small boy wearing his
+father's hat. In the surrounding scenery there was a wild grandeur and
+magnificence with which no work of art would have been in keeping.
+Immediately in the rear of the humble habitation, abruptly rose one of
+a range known as the Hartz Mountains, stretching far away toward the
+west in waves of bright and shadowy emerald, as the light fell upon
+them, and covered with gloomy forests, peopled with unblest spirits by
+the legends of olden times. In front and on both sides, spreading out
+its vast expanse of verdant soil, until it appeared to meet with the
+horizon, was a noble plain, bearing scattered clumps of trees, through
+which a few isolated huts were discernable. It was like Light and Shade
+meeting, with the hut under the cliff to mark their boundaries.
+
+"Evening had just begun to tint the fragrant air with her sombre hues,
+when a figure was apparent, moving over the plain in the direction of
+the lonely domicil, and, as it approached nearer, the muscular form and
+pleasing features of a young hunter were visible. He was exceedingly
+tall, yet symmetrical in every limb, and quick in his movements as a
+chamois on its native hills. His dress comprised a coat and leggins of
+blue material, ornamented with silver buttons, a pair of heavy boots,
+and a narrow-brimmed straw hat, from which a wolf's tail depended. He
+carried a long rifle, and a bag for small game swung, with a powder
+flask, or horn, at his side.
+
+"Arriving in front of the hut, he paused a moment to examine some
+footprints on the soil, and then tapped gently at the door with the
+butt of his piece. In an instant it was opened by a beautiful girl,
+with light blue eyes, flaxen curls, and a complexion of pure red and
+white, who, though dressed in the coarsest attire, yet looked and shone
+a perfect goddess of the solitude.
+
+"'Dearest Marcella,' exclaimed the hunter, seizing her extended hand,
+and carrying it to his lips with all the ardor of a lover.
+
+"'I feared you were not coming to-night, Wilhelm,' answered Marcella,
+with a blush of pleasure, as she led him into the hut by the hand which
+she still retained.
+
+"The apartment thus entered occupied the whole structure, save a
+portion apparently partitioned off with wolf skins; and a rude table,
+six chairs, and a goatskin covered couch, were the only articles of
+furniture it contained, excepting a few trophies of the chase hanging
+from the walls, and a woodman's axe placed over the mantel. The floor
+was composed of logs, and was very uneven, save directly opposite the
+fire-place, where a large flat stone was firmly imbedded in the earth;
+and a small oil lamp, swinging in chains from the arching roof above,
+gave forth a pale light which mingled imperceptibly with that of
+departing day in a mellow twilight.
+
+"'Marcella,' said Wilhelm, as they sat beside each other on the couch,
+'I can scarcely realize that you are the wild little fairy, with whom I
+used to explore the dark woods of haunted Hartz. I can remember, too,
+standing with you under the blighted pine, and relating old legends
+which I heard my father tell, while you listened with breathless
+attention, and looked like a startled chamois, when the wind rustled
+among the leaves.'
+
+"'Those were happy days!' murmured Marcella.
+
+"'They were, indeed!' continued Wilhelm, with enthusiasm--'yet why
+should infancy monopolize all the richest pleasures of life? As we grow
+older, our understanding becomes more clearly defined, and
+circumstances which rendered our childhood happy, should become more
+truly appreciated as blessings, instead of growing homely and irksome
+to us.'
+
+"'It is because the matured mind requires a wider field for exercise,'
+said Marcella. 'When I used to roam with you in the forest or on the
+plain, those localities constituted our little world, and I cared for
+no other; but as my father taught me the learning of books, I awoke to
+a sense of uneasiness, and a consciousness of restricted liberty. The
+beautiful world of which I read became replete with attractions
+hitherto unknown to me, and I longed to quit these wild scenes, and
+behold the palaces of princes.'
+
+"'So it was with me,' responded her lover. 'As you may remember, my
+parents hoarded up their little earnings, that I might enjoy the
+advantages of education, and I went to Gottingen with the feeling of
+one who was about to drink of pleasure at its fountain-head; but alas!
+Marcella, the wide world is like a piece of glass, which may sparkle in
+the distance with all the brilliancy of a diamond, and after leading us
+wildly onward, becomes the more worthless, for our endeavors to gain a
+closer view. I imagined that the learning of schools would confer
+happiness; it became mine, and I found it a mockery. I mixed with the
+rich, gay and gifted; but my object still eluded pursuit. Marcella, I
+became convinced that I left true happiness behind me, when I departed
+from home; and returned to its shelter, resolved to leave it no more. I
+tasted of the cup, and found it bitter.'
+
+"'My father talks in that manner,' answered Marcella. 'He hates the
+world for the injury it has done him, and even our few neighbors excite
+his scorn, by their foolish fears of him. I am sure if they knew him
+well, they could not help loving him as I do; he is so noble, so brave,
+so generous, that I cannot understand why he is called "The Demented,"
+unless it is because his superior intelligence is regarded by the hinds
+as a supernatural gift. Perhaps that is the reason,' she added,
+haughtily.
+
+"'You wrong the honest peasants,' said the hunter, hastily; 'who,
+though ignorant, possess the gifts of reason and discrimination. Your
+father will not allow them to know him better, and the extraordinary
+quantity of game which he obtains would arouse superstitious whispers
+from more enlightened minds.'
+
+"'Poor deluded creatures!' exclaimed Marcella, scornfully. 'Because my
+father's aim is truer than theirs, ought he to be looked upon as one
+demented? Because, by his skill in woodcraft, he surpasses their
+success, should they shun him with looks of horror? Because he refuses
+to join in their low revels, should they regard him as a ghost-seer?
+Wilhelm, you have learning, and ought to frown down these foolish
+superstitions, instead of partaking in them. Did you love Marcella as
+you have often sworn you do, the man who spoke evil of her parent,
+would from that moment become your enemy.'
+
+"'And so he should, dearest Marcella; but alas! their suspicions are
+but too well founded, and though you may be offended, I dare not deny
+that I myself believe him to be in league with the Evil One.'
+
+"'Then leave me!' exclaimed Marcella, starting from beside him. 'Why
+should you wish to wed the child of such a man? Might you not find a
+devil in me? Why should I love a being whose lips have declared my
+father a demon? Go! Wilhelm, I took you for a man; but you have the
+soul of a dwarf.'
+
+"Her eyes flashed indignation as she spoke, and in the eyes of her
+lover she appeared more beautiful than ever.
+
+"'I can forgive your reproaches, for I know them to be actuated by
+noble sentiments,' he replied, drawing her gently back to her seat.
+'Honor to our parents is nature's first law, and God forbid that I
+should condemn it; but, dearest Marcella, there should be no reserve
+between us, who have grown up side by side, as it were, and I speak to
+you as I would to no one else--not even my parents. That I love you,
+you surely cannot doubt, and that love would be worth little to either
+of us, did it enjoin concealment of our true opinions from each other.
+I speak as an honest man, when I tell you, that I once beheld your
+father in the Black Forest, accompanied by a stranger, who was not of
+this world.'
+
+"'Great God!' ejaculated Marcella, starting up with affright.
+
+"'Forgive me, dearest; but you forced me to say it in my own defence.
+Calm yourself and we will talk of this fearful subject no longer.'
+
+"'Wilhelm, you are not trifling with me?'
+
+"'As I hope to be saved, no.'
+
+"The daughter of Hermann trembled for a moment, as though the spirit of
+Fear had touched her, and the dim rays of the swinging lamp, as they
+fell upon her finely cut features, revealed the undisguised terror
+there betrayed. But she quickly settled rigidly as a marble effigy, and
+her voice was firm, as she said:
+
+"'Wilhelm, I believe you, and may God help my unfortunate father. Tell
+me of what you _saw_, and disguise nothing!'
+
+"'It were better to remain untold, Marcella.'
+
+"'I must and will hear it,' she answered with cold determination.
+
+"'Then it must be told,' said the young hunter, with an involuntary
+shudder. 'On the second day after my arrival from Gottingen University,
+I started out from my father's cot, to course hares, taking with me my
+dog and rifle, intending to remain absent all day. For some hours I was
+quite successful, and succeeded in killing a score of the fleet
+animals, but after noon they grew scarce, and as the sun was sinking in
+the west, I paused wearied and exhausted on the borders of the Black
+Forest, while my dog was panting in the shade. As I stood thus, leaning
+upon my gun, the sound of a bugle call fell upon my ears, and almost
+immediately afterwards your father suddenly passed me in the direction
+from whence it came, looking straight forward with a stony, fascinated
+stare, so full of mingled despair and earnestness, that I trembled with
+superstitious fear, and even my dog crawled to my feet, quivering in
+every limb. Onward he strode, unconscious of a watcher, to a shaded
+spot on the border, just beyond my position, known as the Witch's
+Circle. As he reached it, the bugle was again sounded, when immediately
+a tall cloaked figure rode out of the forest to meet him, and they
+saluted each other in silence. I could not discern the stranger's
+features, but I noticed with breathless horror that the steps of the
+horse which he rode, as well as those of another which he led by the
+bridle, gave forth no more sound than if they were planted in air----'
+
+"Wilhelm suddenly paused in his narrative, as a beautiful White Fawn
+suddenly sprang from behind a suspended wolf skin, and alighted
+directly in front of him. Daylight no longer lent its rays to illumine
+the apartment, and as the animal's eyes were visible through the misty
+beams of the lamp, they seemed to glare and blaze like coals of vivid
+fire.
+
+"'Heaven preserve me!' ejaculated the young hunter, crossing himself.
+
+"'It is my pet, Leo; do not fear him,' said Marcella in low tones.
+
+"'Your father mounted the unoccupied saddle,' continued Wilhelm, going
+on with his adventure; 'and together they disappeared between the
+pines; noiselessly as the falling of a feather. At short intervals I
+heard the sound of the bugle growing fainter and fainter, until it died
+away in the windings of the mountains. I called my dog and hastened
+home, without daring to look behind, lest I should behold the
+mysterious riders following on my track.'
+
+"A short silence succeeded, during which Marcella gently wept, and
+caressed the fawn. At length she spoke:
+
+"'Dear Wilhelm, I now see the reason why you have ever avoided my
+father, and come here only while he is away. Perhaps it is better that
+you should continue to do so, for he is very irritable, and your
+meeting might be attended with fearful results. Leave me, Wilhelm; I
+expect him every moment; it is already past his usual time of return.'
+
+"'I must speak with your father to night, dearest,' said the hunter,
+encircling her waist with his arm.
+
+"'God forbid!' she exclaimed, looking up to him with great alarm.
+
+"'It must be so, Marcella; I am about to ask a gift of him, and his
+answer will either make me the happiest of men, or leave me miserable
+for life. I will ask his daughter of him as one who has a just claim,
+and I cannot believe he will refuse me.'
+
+"'Wilhelm, you do not know my----'
+
+"At this moment there came a measured rapping at the door, and Marcella
+arose to open it, trembling with undefined dread. Hermann the Demented
+pressed a kiss upon her brow as he passed the threshold, and entered
+his cabin.
+
+"He was an old man, for his hair was grey, and deep wrinkles furroughed
+his brow; but his form was fully developed and upright as that of
+meridian manhood, and there was a changing fire in his eye that
+indicated all the energy of youth. His dress was a mixture of military
+and peasant garb, and he wore a tall, black felt hat, encircled with a
+red ribbon. Game of every kind hung in such profusion from his broad
+shoulders, that it almost entirely concealed his person, and he bore in
+his hand a rifle which few men could handle. On arriving beneath the
+lamp, he deposited his spoils upon the floor, and then, for the first
+time, observed the presence of the young hunter.
+
+"'Ha! is that you Wilhelm!' he exclaimed, casting aside his rifle, and
+extending his hand in a friendly manner, 'I am especially glad to
+welcome a brother craftsman to my cover, on a night when I have had
+such uncommon luck. Look at that heap, and tell me if you ever saw
+another such.'
+
+"'You are famed as a fortunate hunter,' answered the other, gazing upon
+the immense pile at his feet with astonishment.
+
+"'Yes, yes, Wilhelm, there are few men can bag hares with Hermann, the
+Demented,' and the old man laughed a hollow laugh.
+
+"'Your skill must indeed be extraordinary, when it enables you to
+secure many of these animals _after nightfall, and without hounds_,'
+returned Wilhelm, looking fixedly at the hunter with a penetrating
+glance.
+
+"Immediately upon the entrance of her father Marcella had drawn the
+table from the wall, and commenced to prepare an humble meal; she was
+standing in a distant corner of the cabin, when her lover spoke thus:
+
+"Hermann started back with a look of fierce anger.
+
+"'What mean you, young man!' he asked in stern tones.
+
+"'I had no intention of giving offence, Mynheer Hermann.'
+
+"'Your looks, at least, were impertinent,' muttered the old hunter,
+turning abruptly from him, and commencing to sort his game.
+
+"The simple meal was soon ready, and the three persons partook of it
+without so much as a whisper. When it was finished, and while the young
+girl was replacing her few utensils, Hermann produced a large
+Meerschaum pipe, and having filled it with tobacco, lit it with a chip
+from the fire-place; looking inquiringly at his guest as he smoked.
+
+"'You were, doubtless, surprised to find me here?' said the latter,
+with some hesitancy in his manner.
+
+"'I am not often so highly honored,' responded Hermann, quietly sending
+forth a wreath of smoke from between his teeth.
+
+"'Do you understand my object, Mynheer Hermann?'
+
+"'Certainly I do, Mynheer Wilhelm.'
+
+"'Indeed,' ejaculated the young hunter, with a look of inquiry.
+
+"'Of course,' said Hermann, ironically; 'you come to my cot, Mynheer
+Wilhelm, hoping to behold some diabolical orgie, or the working of some
+cabalistic spell, by which I secure success in the chase. You expect to
+see me in communion with the mountain spirits, and allowing a
+long-tailed demon to breathe upon my rifle. Look around you, my honored
+guest; is not my daughter some horrid witch in disguise? Is not this
+gentle fawn, a bloodthirsty spectre metamorphosed? Do you not see at
+least a dozen goblins climbing the barrel of my rifle? Ha, ha, ha! you
+will add another to the thousand and one legends about _Hermann the
+Demented_. And tell me, young man, what is to prevent my offering you
+as a sacrifice to my counsellor, the devil? People would say it served
+you right, for entering this unholy place. You had better depart before
+my familiar makes his appearance to sup with me, from the skulls of
+children. I assure you, mynheer, that yonder stone bottle contains
+human blood. Fly, before the spell begins to work.'
+
+"Although the old man frequently laughed while speaking, there was a
+hollowness, and unreal zest in his mirth, that made the young hunter
+shudder.
+
+"'You have made a great mistake, Mynheer Hermann,' he replied calmly.
+'I came here with no such despicable intentions as those you attribute
+to me. To be plain and honest with you, I am here to ask a gift of you.'
+
+"'What is it, boy?'
+
+"'Your daughter, mynheer.'
+
+"Dropping the pipe, and springing to his feet, Hermann confronted his
+guest, glaring upon him with vindictive fury.
+
+"'Wretch! dare you insult me?' he howled, gnashing his teeth.
+
+"'Mynheer Hermann, be calm, I beseech you; you have obliged me to make
+the request thus abruptly, and I am willing to abide the consequences.
+I love Marcella, and she loves me. I would make her my wife.'
+
+"For a moment, the father held his hand to his brow and fixed a glance
+upon the young hunter, as though to read his inmost soul; then turning
+quickly to his child, who sat near him, trembling with fear, he asked
+excitedly:
+
+"'Is this true, Marcella?'
+
+"'Yes, dear father,' she replied, arising from her seat, and laying her
+head fondly upon his breast.
+
+"He looked down upon her beautiful face, suffused with tears, in
+silence; slowly the flash of anger faded from his countenance, leaving
+the gleam of idolatrous affection shining there. The feelings of a
+parent overcame all others, and a bright drop glistened on his cheek.
+
+"'My darling, my only treasure,' he murmured, pressing her closely to
+him. 'Your happiness is my only earthly object.'
+
+"'Wilhelm,' he continued, placing his disengaged hand upon the youth's
+shoulder, 'I wronged you in my suspicions, and ask your forgiveness.
+Your face, as well as that of my darling, convince me that I wronged
+you. Yet I cannot grant you my child, until you have first heard
+somewhat of her history, and my own. Not but that she is a jewel, the
+proudest king might wear upon his bosom with honor,' he continued, with
+spirit; 'but no man shall ever accuse me of practising a lie.'
+
+"He resumed his seat, still holding Marcella closely to his bosom, and
+went on:
+
+"'To no other living being have I ever told my strange story, and there
+is that in your countenance, which tells me you are no traitor. Listen
+attentively to what I say: I was born on the estate of a nobleman in
+Transylvania, to whom my father was steward, and spent the happiest
+days of my existence roving about those vast domains, a free and joyous
+child. At the age of thirteen, I was placed in a school, where I
+advanced rapidly in learning, until I was the acknowledged phenomenon
+of the village, and the pride of my fond father. Years of unalloyed
+peace rolled over my head, during which I wooed the beautiful daughter
+of a landed gentleman--won and married her by stealth. Her father's
+rage knew no bounds in the first moments of discovery, and he
+threatened to separate us; but my wife's entreaties soon banished his
+anger, and we were soon received in full favor both by him and my own
+parents. Oh! what unsubstantial, foolish, joyous days were those! How
+did I idolize the girl, whom I had won, as a heathen worships his
+household god.
+
+"'At length a fearful epidemic swept the country; my father was one of
+the first victims, and my heartbroken mother soon followed him,
+bequeathing us her dying benediction. It was my first trial, and in the
+bitterness of my grief, I left the familiar scenes of my boyhood. To
+this spot I came with my beautiful wife and built this cabin, resolving
+to spend the remainder of my days in these soothing solitudes. But my
+fate was yet to be accomplished. My father's employer found me out, and
+sent a message, earnestly requesting me to become his steward. Yielding
+to the importunities of my wife--for I could refuse her nothing--I
+accepted the proposal, and journeyed back to Transylvania with a heavy
+heart; for a cloud seemed hanging over me, a presentiment of sorrow to
+come. The nobleman received me more as an equal than as a servant, and
+uttered many encomiums on my father's worth, which could not but prove
+grateful to a heart like mine. I loved and honored him at once; and
+resolved to testify my gratitude by a faithful discharge of my duties.
+He was still a young man, but I felt no jealousy, when the idol of my
+heart praised him, blind wretch that I was! At length, the cloud, so
+long forming, burst over me in a flood of misery. Almost immediately
+after the birth of our daughter, the father of my Marcella came to me
+and imparted a secret that almost deprived me of my senses. Poor old
+man! he thought I knew all before, and my ravings filled him with
+alarm. Frantically I swore revenge, and with murder in my heart, was
+about to seek the destroyer of my peace; but the old man restrained me,
+and after a violent debate, I resolved to say nothing to my wife about
+the matter, and kept a strict watch upon her. Alas! her father's
+suspicions proved too just. I surprised her in company with her
+paramour, and after loading them with the bitterest curses, took my
+daughter and returned to the hut under the cliff. My whole life was
+blighted, every hope was crushed; but the very madness of my despair
+gave me strength, and I swore vengeance on my enemy. On the evening of
+that fearful day, after lulling my unfortunate child to sleep, I knelt
+down on the flat stone before you, and in the fervor of delirium,
+called upon _The Spirits of Hartz Mountains_ for aid. Scarcely had the
+sacrilegious petition left my lips, when there came a gentle knocking
+at the door, accompanied by a shrill bugle note, signifying
+bewilderment in the forest. Like one in a dream, I answered the
+mysterious summons, and immediately a White Fawn bounded into the hut,
+followed by a tall stranger, wrapped in a cloak of fine material.
+
+"'"You called me and I have come," he said, in tones that made me
+shudder, and peer into his eyes, in which there was a fearful
+fascination which I could not resist.
+
+"'"Who are you?" I managed to articulate.
+
+"'"Varno of The Black Forest," he answered, in a voice of rolling
+thunder. I know not why it was, but at his reply my fear vanished, and
+my wrongs arose before me in their darkest coloring.
+
+"'"Can you aid me?" I asked, returning his piercing glance. Never shall
+I forget the fearful distinctness with which he said:
+
+"'"Hermann Vandervelt, I know what you would require of me, and you
+shall be satisfied, _but there is a price attached to my services_;
+three requests shall be granted, and then _you must be mine, soul and
+body_. Will you swear to this?"
+
+"'Like a maniac, I fell upon my knees before the stranger, shouting, in
+the height of passion: "Grant me but _revenge_ upon the betrayer of my
+honor, and I will be yours, eternally yours, soul and body yours; I
+swear by the God who--"
+
+"'"Silence!" thundered the stranger, his eyes glowing like coals of
+withering, devouring fire.
+
+"'"Hermann, you must swear by the _Spirits of Hartz Mountains_."
+Wrought up to frenzy, I obeyed him. He dictated a fearful oath, and
+when I had repeated it, he said, in tones that froze my blood:
+
+"'"Hermann Vandervelt, take your rifle and seek your enemy; he shall
+fall by your hand. I will leave you this animal (pointing to the fawn,)
+and when you would see me, let it return to the forest. Remember, I
+have granted _one_ request; _two_ more shall be granted, _and then you
+will be mine_."
+
+"'His horrid laugh is still ringing in my ears. In silence, I opened
+the door, and beheld, dimly through the darkness, a tall steed with
+blazing eyes, standing motionless upon the plain. As the stranger
+passed me, a momentary chill, like that of the grave, fell upon me; he
+mounted, and I saw him no longer. Grasping my rifle, I fled through the
+darkness like a fiend of blood, the White Fawn following my footsteps
+like a hound. No rest, no meat, did I take until I saw my enemy lying
+before me, bleeding to death, while the Fawn lapped his blood.
+
+"'"I am Hermann!" I shouted in his ears, and then flew back wildly, as
+I came. My child was nearly dead from neglect when I returned from the
+doubly-cursed spot; but I tended her faithfully, and she soon went
+forth with me to the forest; and the White Fawn never left her side.
+
+"'I was a successful hunter at first; but suddenly my fortune changed,
+and I could get no more food. Then was the spell of madness on me once
+more, and _I set the White Fawn free_. Again there came a knocking at
+the door; again the Fawn sprang in, followed by its master. _My second
+request was granted--there remains but one more!_ From that night my
+familiar has met me on the borders of the Black Forest nightly, and the
+darkest depths are filled with game for me. Such is my story, Wilhelm,
+and here, on my bosom, reposes the child of my affection. Speak boldly,
+as becomes a man; would you wed the daughter of _Hermann, the
+Demented_?'
+
+"While the old man related his fearful story, various emotions were
+apparent on the handsome face of Wilhelm, but at its conclusion
+unwavering resolution was stamped upon his features.
+
+"'Hermann!' he said, extending his right hand to the old hunter, 'I
+sincerely pity you as the victim of circumstances, but the blight does
+not touch Marcella; I love her more dearly than ever, and if you will
+give her to me, she shall find in me a husband who would shed his last
+drop of blood for her.'
+
+"'Wilhelm, you are worthy of my child, take her and may heaven grant
+you the blessings it has denied to me. Bring a holy man here to-morrow,
+and make her rightly yours. I would see her happy before I--' He
+suddenly paused, placed his weeping daughter in her lover's arms, and
+turned aside to hide the starting tear.
+
+"Soon Wilhelm was wending his way over the plain, and the innocent
+Marcella retired to her narrow apartment of wolf skins; but the old man
+sat with his face beneath the lamp, and the White Fawn crouched beside
+him. Long did he meditate through the lonely watches of the night, and
+the sweat of agony stood upon his temples. Slowly did he stagger to
+where the wolf skins hung, and raising them in his trembling hands,
+dwelt mournfully upon the picture before him. There, on her couch, in
+all the artless grace of slumber, lay the only being on earth whom he
+loved. One faultless arm was hidden beneath the pillow, the other half
+shadowed her face, and bore a glossy veil of flaxen curls. Her ruby
+lips were apart, as though she had fallen asleep while yet the evening
+prayer was on her tongue. Dimly streamed the light of the swinging lamp
+upon the human temple of purity, and Hermann, the Demented, wept like
+an artless child.
+
+"'It must be done--_it is the last_,' he murmured, dropping the rude
+partition, and quickly opening the cabin door.
+
+"Swift as the meteor falling through the shades of night, flew the
+White Fawn out into the darkness, with a plaintive cry. With bowed head
+the old man clasped his hands and listened. He hears a shot, a bugle
+note echoes through the dew-ladened air, and the ghostly rider is again
+at his door.
+
+"'You sent for me, and I am here,' said Varno, entering the cabin, and
+casting the White Fawn cold and dead, upon the floor.
+
+"'I ask your aid!' said Hermann firmly.
+
+"'Remember, it is _the third and last time_,' muttered the stranger.
+
+"'I will fulfil my oath. Grant me my wish.'
+
+"'_Beware!_' thundered the other.
+
+"'Speak not so loudly, or you will wake my child,' said the hunter,
+gazing fearfully toward where Marcella slept.
+
+"'Fear not, good Hermann, the sleep of the innocent cannot be disturbed
+by a Spirit of Evil. Declare your wish and it shall be granted.'
+
+"'Then hear me, fiend, devil, or whatever thou art! I would have my
+child happy; I would have her husband ever warm in his love for her as
+he is this moment; I would have the curse of her parents forever
+averted from her head. Grant me this and I am thine.'
+
+"'It shall be so,' answered Varno, with something like pity in his
+tones. 'Thou must meet me at sunset on the evening of to-morrow, beside
+the _Witch's Circle_--there shall our compact be fulfilled. _This is
+the third and last. Remember._
+
+"The dark spirit passed from the hut under the cliff but his shadow
+lingered behind; and the old hunter knelt beneath the swinging lamp,
+with the dead fawn at his feet, desolate and lone.
+
+"The day smiled brightly on Marcella, the genial sunbeams dispelling
+night's horrors. She looked sadly when her father told her how the
+White Fawn had been wounded by some wandering hunter, and had sought
+the hut to die there; but the presence of Wilhelm made her cheerful as
+the morn, and Hermann felt rewarded for his sacrifice.
+
+"A missionary monk stood within the old cabin, and said the words that
+joined two lives in one. When the holy rite was finished, the wedded
+pair knelt at the feet of The Demented, and called down Heaven's
+richest blessings on his head; but alas! he could not say 'Amen,' for
+he remembered his compact, and the words of Varno still rang in his
+ears. He watched his child with more than earthly care till the sun
+began to sink once more behind the Black Forest, then seizing his
+rifle, he kissed her blushing cheek, and sallied forth toward the
+mountains.
+
+"'Dear father, may you soon give up such unholy pastimes,' murmured
+Marcella, looking fondly after him as his grey hairs floated in the
+wind.
+
+"'God grant that he may,' murmured her husband, fervently, pressing her
+to his heart.
+
+"But the old hunter returned no more. The wolf started as he lay in his
+lair, when a man rushed by his covert in the Black Forest. A bugle,
+wildly sounded, awoke the bird in his leafy bower. Two men met at the
+Witch's Circle, while a day was dying, and the shades of the wood
+closed over them forever."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+                                       Yours, contemplatively,
+                                                       ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                             LETTER LXXIX.
+
+  SHOWING HOW THE NATIONAL INSANITARY COMMITTEE MADE A STRANGE
+      BLUNDER; HOW THE BELOVED GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE WAS
+      REMOVED AND EXALTED; AND ENDING WITH AN INFALLIBLE RECIPE.
+
+
+                               WASHINGTON, D. C., November 15th, 1862.
+
+As I calmly observe the present situation of our military affairs, my
+boy, and consider how persistently the Blue Ridge continues to get
+between our great strategic army and the dilapidated Southern
+Confederacy, I am impressed with the idea that the salvation of our
+distracted country demands the removal of either the Blue Ridge or the
+beloved General of the Mackerel Brigade.
+
+I admit, my boy, that the Mackerel Brigade has spent time enough in one
+locality since the last battle to remove the incompetent and imbecile
+Blue Ridge, and that the immense number of spades consigned to that
+veteran _corps_ might be construed into the belief that they were
+really engaged in that great stragetic task. Furthermore, that the
+Mackerels have only succeeded in marching fifteen miles in six weeks,
+legitimates the supposition that they are going up very steep hills;
+but it must be borne in mind, my boy, that it is the Honest Abe's best
+policy to conciliate all political parties for the sake of Northern
+unity of action, and it cannot be doubted that the removal of the Blue
+Ridge at this crisis would occasion the bitterest heart-burnings and
+jealousies in the manly bosom of our nation's Democratic organization.
+It would be construed into proof that the Honest Abe had yielded to the
+fiendish clamor of the crazy Abolitionists, and had rendered a
+restoration of the adored Union-as-it-Was of our forefathers
+impossible, by destroying that Blue Ridge which was an essential part
+of the Union. The manly Organization, my boy, would prefer an armistice
+with the unseemly Confederacy to a removal of the Blue Ridge--a
+removal, my boy, authorized neither by the Constitution, the pursuit of
+happiness, nor the rights of man. The Blue Ridge is at the head of our
+army, and our army is at the foot of the Blue Ridge. The mistaken
+Confederacy is on the other side, my boy, and the Organization very
+justly reasons, that the fiendish Abolitionists virtually confess
+themselves to be, in heart, on the same side with the Confederacy; for
+if their desired removal of the Blue Ridge were carried out, the
+distinction of the two opposite sides would be practically lost, and
+the United States of America and the Southern Confederacy would be all
+on one side, and there might be an unconstitutional collision.
+
+Hence, my boy, the Honest Abe has concluded to leave the Blue Ridge
+where it is, and remove the idolized General of the Mackerel Brigade.
+
+But before I proceed to describe the inexpressible anguish produced by
+the adoption of even this grievous alternative, permit me to record the
+useful proceedings of the National Insanitary Committee, in their
+philanthropical investigation of the lunacy now prevailing to an
+alarming extent in the Army of Accomac.
+
+For some weeks past, my boy, insanity has been frightfully upon the
+increase in the ranks of the unconquerable Mackerel Brigade. Many
+Mackerels have even gone raving at times, persisting in the vague and
+incoherent exclamation that they "_Couldn't See It_." There was some
+hope that this terrible mental aberration might be stayed, if the
+superannuated _corps_ were supplied with spectacles; but the relief
+thus given was only temporary; and finally, when one of the poor maniac
+chaps went so far as to yell, that, even by the aid of his spectacles,
+he couldn't see what was the use of butting against the Blue Ridge all
+the time, it was deemed proper to call in the National Insanitary
+Committee.
+
+Captain Samyule Sa-mith, whose duty it was to draw the Brigade up in
+two lines--the sane chaps on one side of the fence, and the insane on
+the other--hastened back to Accomac to finish a game of "Old Sledge,"
+on which four drinks were distinctly pending, and left the aged
+Committee to perform its task at leisure.
+
+In anticipation of this sad ceremony, my boy, I had sent my
+architectural steed, the gothic Pegasus, down to Accomac, and thither I
+went on Tuesday morning, to amble totteringly from thence to the scene
+of Insanitary proceedings.
+
+The Committee had just commenced work upon its line of chaps, and was
+examining the patients one by one.
+
+The first invalid, Lively Mike, was born in the Sixth Ward, and weighed
+ninety-two pounds. He was a poor, slouching chap, my boy, resembling
+poverty's Ruin, two-thirds covered by an ivy vine of rags. His angular
+countenance was rich with unwashings, save a clean irregular circle
+just around his ugly mouth.
+
+I asked how it happened that this one part of his face was clean, when
+all the rest was dirty; and they told me, my boy, that it was the place
+where his poor old mother had kissed him at parting.
+
+Lively Mike's first symptom of his dreadful malady was a feeling of
+overwhelming weariness, as though he had been for a long time in one
+spot doing nothing. The feeling deepened into sullen, dangerous
+madness, until it was finally unsafe to let him go at large, as he had
+several times attempted to shoot scouting Confederacies.
+
+The next hopeless patient was Big-nose Jake. Born at the commencement
+of his career in the Sixth Ward, and weighing ninety-four pounds
+without his knapsack, Big-nose had always enjoyed good health, with the
+exception of starvation; but was in the habit of muttering to himself
+that Strategy was a great humbug, and he'd rather die at home in his
+bunk in the engine-house than in a swamp, without a single fire in six
+months. His only way of keeping warm was by occasionally huddling up to
+a Confederate picket, and receiving _his_ fire.
+
+No. 3 was Baby Jim, a resident of the Sixth Ward for many years, and
+weighing ninety-one pounds. His first attack of his malady came in the
+shape of an incoherent and irrepressible desire to get up a Directory
+of Army Names, so that the families of Mackerels in the Army of Accomac
+might know where their relatives were, and how old they had got to be.
+Sometimes he would be suddenly seized with the absurd notion that the
+General of the Mackerel Brigade was killing more men by strategy than
+would be slain in fifty battles.
+
+Another hapless maniac was Cross-eyed Tom. His family is well known in
+the Sixth Ward; weight, ninety-seven pounds. Always enjoyed excellent
+health, until one day, when it suddenly struck him--uncalled-for, as it
+were--that he hadn't seen the Colonel of his regiment for six months.
+The demon of insanity tempted him to believe that his Colonel had all
+along been drinking bad gin and threatening to resign, in Washington,
+instead of staying with his men and getting acquainted with them. He
+knew that he must be entirely mistaken about this, but couldn't shake
+off the horrible delusion.
+
+A fifth lunatic was the Worth street Chicken. Had voted several times a
+day in the Sixth Ward, and weighed ninety-nine pounds. The Chicken
+could not say that he was really a sick man; but had moments when he
+could not resist the malignant temptation to imagine, that the
+celebrated Southern Confederacy was just as even with us now as it was
+a year ago, with several majestic raids for small trumps. At times he
+was troubled with bad dreams about all the Treasury Notes becoming
+worthless if the General of the Mackerel Brigade went into winter
+quarters.
+
+And so the Insanitary Committee went down the whole line, my boy,
+closely questioning the poor chaps who had lost their reason, and
+eliciting continued proofs of the national ravages of Insanity.
+
+"Truly," says the chief Insanitary chap, cleaning his nails with his
+jack-knife; "truly these unhappy beings are hopelessly deranged, and
+must be sent to the Asylum. Their ravings are beyond all precedent."
+
+Just as he finished speaking, my boy, and whilst he was picking his
+teeth to assist meditation, Captain Samyule Sa-mith came riding hastily
+in from his successful game of "Old Sledge," bringing the stakes with
+him, and says he:
+
+"Well, old Medicusses, have you examined the beings which is unhappily
+bereft of sense?"
+
+"Yea," says the Insanitary chap, with a grievous groan, "we've examined
+all those poor creatures, in that whole line, and find them all
+hopelessly and incurably mad."
+
+Samyule gave such a start that he split one of his boots, and says he:
+
+"_Which_ line?"
+
+"Why, that line there," says the chap, pointing.
+
+"By all that's Federal!" says Samyule, slapping his left leg; "I'll be
+blessed if you old goslings hav'n't been examining the WRONG LINE! Them
+veterans there are the _sane_ ones!"
+
+Insanity, my boy, like Charity, so seldom begins at home, that we
+sometimes mistake the best kind of sanity for it when we meet the
+latter, as a stranger, abroad. The man we call a maniac is frequently
+nothing more than a sane man seen through a maniac's spectacles.
+
+But the whole body of Mackerels, sane and insane alike, unite in a
+feeling of strong anguish blended with enthusiasm, at the removal of
+the beloved General of the Mackerel Brigade. He has been so much a
+Father to them all, that they never expected to get a step farther
+while he was with them.
+
+There's a piece of domestic philosophy for you, my boy.
+
+When the General heard of his removal, my boy, he said that it was like
+divorcing a husband from a wife, who had always supported him, and
+immediately let fly the following
+
+
+                          FAREWELL ADDRESS.
+
+               _Head-quarters of the Army of Accomac,
+                                       Foot of the Blue Ridge._
+
+MY CHILDREN:
+
+An order from the Honest Abe divorces us, and gives the command of all
+these attached beings to Major-General Wobert Wobinson. (Heartrending
+and enthusiastic cheers.)
+
+In parting with you, I cannot express how much I love your dear bosoms.
+As an army, you have grown from youth to old age under my care. In you
+I have never found doubt nor coldness, nor anything else. The victories
+you have won under my command will live in the nation's works of
+fiction. The strategy we have achieved, the graves of many unripe
+Mackerels, the broken forms of those disabled by the Emancipation
+Proclamation--the strongest associations that can exist among
+men--still make it advisable that you should vote for me as President
+of the United States in 1865. Thus we shall ever be comrades in
+supporting the Constitution, and making the Constitution support us.
+
+                                 THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
+    [Green Seal.]
+
+It was while this affecting document was being read to the Army, my
+boy, that a procession of political chaps with banners and a small
+cannon, landed from a boat on Awlkwyet River, and came filing affably
+into camp. Only pausing to insult two correspondents of the _Tribune_,
+and to fire the cannon so close to a farmhouse that it broke all the
+windows, these pleasant chaps at once organized a meeting and gave
+orders that all fighting should be postponed till after the session.
+
+The Hon. Mr. X. Stream proceeded to say that he considered Mr. Lincoln
+a strictly honest, upright, able, and noble-hearted man (cheers); but
+it could not be denied that his Administration was a wretched
+failure--a blending of brutal imbecility with hellish despotism. (Much
+enthusiasm). While it continued so, everything in the stock-market
+would go up--_up_--UP! until the bubble burst. The General of the
+Mackerel Brigade had been removed (universal sobbing) but it was only
+that he might shine the brighter before a Democratic Convention in 1865.
+
+The Hon. Prince Van Brumagen next spoke. Undoubtedly, he would be
+called a traitor for what he was about to say, but he was accustomed to
+that sort of talk from every one who knew him. He wished to see this
+war vigorously pushed forward; but he could never consent to see
+violence offered to men who only warred against us because they were
+mistaken. Our Southern friends had imagined that the Abolitionists
+wanted to prevent their enjoyment of the pursuit of happiness which was
+guaranteed to them by the Constitution. They were mistaken, and
+seceded. The Union as it was had passed away from us, but was
+undoubtedly somewhere on the Globe; and as the Globe was constantly
+revolving, we had only to stand still, and it would come round again to
+us in due time.
+
+The Hon. Fernando Fuel next undressed his thoughts to the meeting. As
+proprietor of the City of New York, which he had frequently bought, he
+protested against the removal of the General of the Mackerel Brigade at
+this inclement season of the year. The idolized General was beloved
+even by the Rebels, and his own devoted troops had cheered even louder
+when parting with him, if possible, than when he had first come among
+them.
+
+Here the speaker was interrupted by a chap who suddenly touched off the
+cannon and simultaneously unfurled a new banner. Borrowing a piece of
+smoked glass, I looked through it at the dazzling standard, and read
+upon its eloquent folds:
+
+                    REGULAR HIGH-MORAL NOMINATIONS!
+
+                      FOR THE SENATE IMMEDIATELY;
+                                 AND
+                 FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IN
+                                1865.
+                  THE (LATE) GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL
+                               BRIGADE.
+
+Observe, my boy, this simple rule, to make a hero of a fool:
+
+Just keep him where he is, until his lack of wisdom, want of Skill,
+attract unto his banner those who, from perverseness, _will_ have foes.
+Then freely make his dullness known; and when you'd cast him from his
+throne, you'll find become _his_ followers true, all men who seek a
+feud with _you_. To serve the always-malcontent, and give their spleen
+a chance for vent, a knave, a dunce, a stump! would do as well, my boy,
+as I, or you.
+
+When cats and politicians quarrel, "use any cat's-paw", is the moral.
+
+                                             Yours, sagely,
+                                                      ORPHEUS C. KERR.
+
+
+
+
+                            [Illustration]
+
+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+
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+                           Les Miserables.
+
+  Victor Hugo's great novel--the only complete unabridged translation.
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+
+                     Les Miserables--Illustrations.
+
+  26 photographic illustrations, by Brion.        Elegant quarto, $3.00.
+
+                            Among the Pines,
+
+  or, Down South in Secession Time.         Cloth, $1.00, paper, 75 cts.
+
+                          My Southern Friends.
+
+  By author of "Among the Pines."           Cloth, $1.00. paper, 75 cts.
+
+                               Rutledge.
+
+  A powerful American novel, by an unknown author,                $1.50.
+
+                          The Sutherlands.
+
+  The new novel by the popular author of "Rutledge,"              $1.50.
+
+                      The Habits of Good Society.
+
+  A hand-book for ladies and gentlemen. Best, wittiest, most
+  entertaining work on taste and good manners ever printed,       $1.50.
+
+                     The Cloister and the Hearth.
+
+  A magnificent new historical novel, by Charles Reade, author
+  of "Peg Woffington," etc.,          cloth, $1.50, paper covers, $1.25.
+
+                                Beulah.
+
+  A novel of remarkable power, by Miss A. J. Evans.               $1.50.
+
+                       Artemus Ward, His Book.
+
+  The racy writings of this humorous author. Illustrated,         $1.25.
+
+                    The Old Merchants of New York.
+
+  Entertaining reminiscences of ancient mercantile New York
+  City, by "Walter Barrett, clerk."  First Series.           $1.50 each.
+
+                          Like and Unlike.
+
+  Novel by A. S. Roe, author of "I've been thinking," &c.         $1.50.
+
+                        Orpheus C. Kerr Papers.
+
+  Second series of letters by this comic military authority.      $1.25.
+
+                            Marian Grey.
+
+  New domestic novel, by the author of "Lena Rivers," etc.        $1.50.
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+                             Lena Rivers.
+
+  A popular American novel, by Mrs. Mary J. Holmes,               $1.50.
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+                        A Book about Doctors.
+
+  An entertaining volume about the medical profession.            $1.50.
+
+                   The Adventures of Verdant Green.
+
+  Humorous novel of English College life. Illustrated.            $1.25.
+
+                            The Culprit Fay.
+
+  Joseph Rodman Drake's faery poem, elegantly printed,           50 cts.
+
+                            Doctor Antonio.
+
+  A charming love-tale of Italian life, by G. Ruffini,            $1.50.
+
+                               Lavinia.
+
+  A new love-story, by the author of "Doctor Antonio,"            $1.50.
+
+                           Dear Experience.
+
+  An amusing Parisian novel, by author "Doctor Antonio,"          $1.00.
+
+                  The Life of Alexander Von Humboldt.
+
+  A new and popular biography of this _savant_, including his
+  travels and labors, with introduction by Bayard Taylor,         $1.50.
+
+                           Love (L'Amour.)
+
+  A remarkable volume, from the French of Michelet.               $1.25.
+
+                           Woman (La Femme.)
+
+  A continuation of "Love (L'Amour)," by same author,             $1.25.
+
+                          The Sea (La Mer.)
+
+  New work by Michelet, author "Love" and "Woman,"                $1.25.
+
+                      The Moral History of Woman.
+
+  Companion to Michelet's "L'Amour," from the French,             $1.25.
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+                     Mother Goose for Grown Folks.
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+  Humorous and satirical rhymes for grown people,                75 cts.
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+                   The Kelly's and the O'Kelly's.
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+  Novel by Anthony Trollope, author of "Doctor Thorne,"           $1.50.
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+                        The Great Tribulation.
+
+  Or, Things coming on the earth, by Rev. John Cumming, D.D.,
+  author "Apocalyptic Sketches," etc., two series, each           $1.00.
+
+                       The Great Preparation.
+
+  Or, Redemption draweth nigh, by Rev. John Cumming, D.D.,
+  author "The Great Tribulation," etc., two series, each          $1.00.
+
+                         The Great Consummation.
+
+  Sequel "Great Tribulation," Dr. Cumming, two series,            $1.00.
+
+                           Teach us to Pray.
+
+  A new work on The Lord's Prayer, by Dr. Cumming,                $1.00.
+
+                          The Slave Power.
+
+  By Jas. E. Cairnes, of Dublin University, Lond. ed.             $1.25.
+
+                       Game Fish of the North.
+
+  A sporting work for Northern States and Canada. Illus.,         $1.50.
+
+                           Drifting About.
+
+  By Stephen C. Massett ("Jeemes Pipes"), illustrated,            $1.25.
+
+                         The Flying Dutchman.
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+                        Notes on Shakspeare.
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+                          Cesar Birotteau.
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+  First of a series of Honore de Balzac's best French novels,     $1.00.
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+                  Petty Annoyances of Married Life.
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+  The second of the series of Balzac's best French novels,        $1.00.
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+                           The Alchemist.
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+  The third of the series of the best of Balzac's novels,         $1.00.
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+                           Eugenie Grandet.
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+  The fourth of the series of Balzac's best French novels,        $1.00.
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+  An essay by Richard Grant White. 8vo. embellished,              $1.00.
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+  Literary Essays reprinted from the British Quarterlies,         $1.25.
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+  First complete collection of Poems, blue and gold binding,      $1.00.
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+  By Thomas B. Aldrich, author of "Babie Bell," &c.,             75 cts.
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+                           The King's Bell.
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+  A Mediaeval Legend in verse, by R. H. Stoddard,                 75 cts.
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+  A clever novel of American Life, by Mrs. R. H. Stoddard,        $1.00.
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+  An historical novel by F. D. Guerrazzi, from the Italian,       $1.50.
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+  An historical novel by the author of "Beatrice Cenci,"          $1.25.
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+  A gossipy work, translated from the French of Belgiojoso,       $1.25.
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+  Her lectures and autobiography, with a steel portrait,          $1.25.
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+                         Doesticks' Letters.
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+  The original letters of this great humorist, illustrated,       $1.50.
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+                           Plu-ri-bus-tah.
+
+  A comic history of America, by "Doesticks," illus.,             $1.50.
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+                         The Elephant Club.
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+  A humorous description of club-life, by "Doesticks,"            $1.50.
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+                            Vernon Grove.
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+  A novel by Mrs. Caroline H. Glover, Charleston, S. C.,          $1.00.
+
+                       The Book of Chess Literature.
+
+  A complete Encyclopaedia of this subject, by D. W. Fiske,        $1.50.
+
+                                 END
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note: Blank pages have been deleted. Discovered
+publisher's punctuation errors have been corrected. Other errors were
+corrected as follows:
+
+ p. 25: salt--which is verydear[very dear] here just
+ p. 27: for mr. bob peter's[peters'] "hours" at home were
+ p. 29: connection with the childrem[children] of ham, it
+ p. 33: after this overpowing[overpowering] revelation, it was
+ p. 33: that mr. bob peter's[peters'] presentation to
+ p. 37: in the heavy dalies,[dailies] and philosophical poetry
+ p. 56: the account of mr. peter's[peters'] arrest in the
+ p. 61: a musket ball be's[he's] comin' shtraight to
+ p. 66: making a rapid retrogade[retrograde] movement, when villiam
+ p. 74: i made a reconnoisance[reconnoissance] in force, on
+ p. 79: have sometimes feared, by[my] boy, that our
+ p. 97: moral drama by captaim[captain] villiam brown.
+ p. 105: second regular meeting ot[of] the cosmopolitan club,
+ p. 106: electrified by the treaures[treasures] of british literature
+ p. 118: wink at secession symphathizers[sympathizers]. it takes so
+ p. 129: the veteran mackerel signed[sighed] deeply, as he spread open
+ p. 138: a horse physically incapacited[incapacitated] from running away
+ p. 143: great original and geniune[genuine] 'tis he; a
+ p. 151: of life when women[woman] usually becomes the principal
+ p. 154: far out-sped my pusuers[pursuers]; but human nature
+ p. 154: dearly, i was abont[about] to stand at bay,
+ p. 161: masses over my throbing[throbbing] brow, the cowardly
+ p. 163: bosom, and the stilletto[stiletto] in her hand.
+ p. 168: of the skillful retrogade[retrograde] advance to which i
+ p. 169: beheld the idolized genral[general] of the mackerel brigade
+ p. 172: child?" says the geneneral[general], with paternal affability.
+ p. 174: in which our co respondent[correspondent] astonishes us by
+ p. 178: no "enigma," as voluutarily[voluntarily]-puzzled poets have
+ p. 183: money often does--brute insanity[brute-insanity]
+ p. 188: might cause a prostraton[prostration] in the liquor business,
+ p. 228: of captain samyule sa-smith[sa-mith] to perish heroically.
+ p. 231: at paris and loudon[london], my boy, and the
+ p. 232: be outdone, the loudon[london] tumbler issued an
+ p. 235: the word, and instaneously[instantaneously] led company 2 down
+ p. 246: fords of allkwyet riyer[river], in the rear
+ p. 248: of the mackerel brigrade[brigade] will further recommend,
+ p. 250: than the most wierd[weird] and perpetual haze
+ p. 257: at the nether continnations[continuations] of our country's
+ p. 258: operations and entrap stonwall[stonewall] jackson's whole
+ p. 264: and he eat[ate] and drank with his visiter[visitor]
+ p. 266: willing hand in extacy[ecstasy]. 'then indeed have i
+ p. 272: "'five thousand doblas," answered nemly[nemyl], composedly.
+ p. 272: god; 'what an houri[hour]!' he exclaimed, kissing her
+ p. 276: are you--his--slave?' gasped gartstoff[garstoff], staggering
+ p. 277: two slaves will will[delete will] bring you to me.
+ p. 291: he took his deparure[departure]. "then forth sprang orloff
+ p. 295: past; i am satified[satisfied] that you are a
+ p. 297: a moment of ungoverable[ungovernable] passion i spoke words
+ p. 298: for the unseemly villany[villainy] of the accursed
+ p. 302: bereaved country should sudnenly[suddenly] be called to
+ p. 308: from a cold potatoe[potato] which he held in
+ p. 313: feigns forgotten friends; grout[gout], grimly griping
+ p. 316: slept in the hous[house] to take care
+ p. 318: had the army being[been] insufficient to secure you,
+ p. 321: and make me turn [into] an arrogant and contemptuous
+ p. 325: language of an incedeniary[incendiary] description
+ p. 325: of captains bob shortly[shorty], samyule sa-mith,
+ p. 327: court felt convinced that that[del 2nd that] the second charge
+ p. 326: ours, to investigate certing[certain] charges against
+ p. 331: with quivering watch-seal. onr[our] president, my boy,
+ p. 344: caressed the fawn. a[at] length she spoke:
+ p. 351: scarcely had the sacreligious[sacrilegious] petition
+ p. 350: "'"varno of het[the] black forest," he answered,
+ p. 355: night, flew the wbite[white] fawn out into the
+
+END
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers. Series 2, by
+Robert H. Newell
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