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diff --git a/34754-8.txt b/34754-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1f97828 --- /dev/null +++ b/34754-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11292 @@ +Project Gutenberg's The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers. Series 2, by Robert H. Newell + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers. Series 2 + +Author: Robert H. Newell + +Release Date: December 26, 2010 [EBook #34754] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS, SERIES 2 *** + + + + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Henry Gardiner and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + + * * * * * + +Transcriber's Note: Italics are indicated like _this_. The original +publication has been replicated faithfully except as listed at the end +of this text. + + * * * * * + + + + + THE + + ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS. + + SECOND SERIES. + + NEW YORK: + _Carleton, Publisher, 413 Broadway._ + (LATE RUDD & CARLETON.) + M DCCC LXIII. + + + + + Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1862. + + BY GEO. W. CARLETON. + + In the Clerk's office of the District Court + for the Southern District of New York. + + + + + CONTENTS. + + + LETTER LIII. + + NOTING THE LAMENTABLE INCONVENIENCES OF A "PRESS-CENSORSHIP," AND + PARTIALLY REVEALING THE CIRCUMSTANCES ATTENDANT ON A MARVELLOUS + STRATEGIC CHANGE OF BASE BY THE MACKEREL BRIGADE 9 + + LETTER LIV. + + ILLUSTRATING THE DISASTROUS EFFECTS OF STRATEGY UPON NATIONAL + LITERATURE, AS EXEMPLIFIED IN THE ORIGINAL TALE READ BY OUR + CORRESPONDENT BEFORE THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB 17 + + LETTER LV. + + SETTING FORTH A NEW VILLAINY OF THE BLACK REPUBLICANS, AND + DESCRIBING THE THRILLING CONSTITUTIONAL BATTLE OF DUCK LAKE 60 + + LETTER LVI. + + WHEREIN ARE PRESENTED SOME FEMININE REFERENCES, AN ANECDOTE BY THE + EXECUTIVE, AND CERTAIN NOTES OF A VISIT TO THE FESTIVE + SHENANDOAH VALLEY 69 + + LETTER LVII. + + SUGGESTING MENTAL RELAXATION FOR A TIME, AND INTRODUCING A FAMILIAR + SKETCH OF THE WAR-STRICKEN DRAMA IN THE RURAL DISTRICTS 80 + + LETTER LVIII. + + SHOWING HOW THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE ISSUED AN AFFECTING + GENERAL ORDER, EXEMPLIFYING THE BEAUTIES OF A SPADE CAMPAIGN AS + EXHIBITED IN STRATEGY HALL, AND CELEBRATING A NOTABLE CASE OF + NAVAL STRATEGY 88 + + LETTER LIX. + + INSTANCING THE BENEFICENT DEPORTMENT OF THE VENERABLE GAMMON, AND + NOTING THE PERFORMANCE OF A REMARKABLE MORAL DRAMA BY CAPTAIN + VILLIAM BROWN 97 + + LETTER LX. + + REPORTING THE SECOND REGULAR MEETING OF THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB, AND + THE BRITISH MEMBER'S CITATION OF THE ENGLISH POETS 105 + + LETTER LXI. + + PORTRAYING A SOCIAL EFFECT OF THE POSTAGE-STAMP CURRENCY, + DESCRIBING THE GREAT WAR MEETING IN ACCOMAC, RECORDING THE + LATEST EXPLOIT OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE, AND INTRODUCING A + DRAFTING ITEM 118 + + LETTER LXII. + + CONTAINING FRESH TRIBUTES OF ADMIRATION TO THE DEVOTED WOMEN OF + AMERICA, AND DEVELOPING THE GREAT COLONIZATION SCHEME OF THE + GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE BLACK + RACE 128 + + LETTER LXIII. + + GIVING A FAMILIAR ZOOLOGICAL ILLUSTRATION OF THE "SITUATION," AND + CELEBRATING THE BRILLIANT STRATEGICAL EVACUATION OF PARIS BY + THE MACKEREL BRIGADE 136 + + LETTER LXIV. + + SHOWING HOW THE CO-MOPOLITANS MET AGAIN, TO BE INTRODUCED TO THE + "NEUTRAL BRITISH GENTLEMAN," AND HEAR M. BONBON'S FRENCH + STORY 143 + + LETTER LXV. + + NOTING THE REMARKABLE RETROGRADE ADVANCE OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE + UPON WASHINGTON, AND THE UNSEEMLY RAID OF THE RECKLESS + CONFEDERACY 166 + + LETTER LXVI. + + IN WHICH OUR CORRESPONDENT ASTONISHES US BY ENGAGING IN SINGLE + COMBAT WITH M. MICHELET, AND DEMOLISHING "L'AMOUR" AND "LA + FEMME" 174 + + LETTER LXVII. + + GIVING ASSURANCE OF THE UNMITIGATED SAFETY OF THE CAPITAL, + EXEMPLIFYING COLONEL WOBINSON'S DRAFTING EXPERIENCE, AND + NARRATING A GREAT METAPHYSICAL VICTORY 184 + + LETTER LXVIII. + + INTRODUCING ONCE MORE THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB, WITH A CURIOUS + "LAMENT," AND A STORY FROM THE SPANISH MEMBER 196 + + LETTER LXIX. + + ILLUSTRATING THE IMPERTURBABLE CALMNESS OF THE NATIONAL CAPITAL, + AND NOTING THE MEMORABLE INVASION OF ACCOMAC 220 + + LETTER LXX. + + COMMENCING WITH HISTORICAL REFERENCE; RELATING THE EPISODE OF + SPURIOSO GRIMALDI, AND DETAILING THE LAMENTABLE FAILURE OF + CAPTAIN SAMYULE SA-MITH TO PERISH HEROICALLY 228 + + LETTER LXXI. + + SHOWING HOW THE PRESIDENT AND THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE + ISSUED GREAT EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATIONS, AND HOW THE CHAPLAIN + WROTE A RADICAL POEM 238 + + LETTER LXXII. + + REPORTING THE LATEST SMALL STORY FROM "HONEST ABE," AND DESCRIBING + THE MOST MERCENARY BAYONET CHARGE ON RECORD 250 + + LETTER LXXIII. + + MAKING MENTION OF ANOTHER MEETING OF THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB, AT + WHICH THE TURKISH AND RUSSIAN MEMBERS READ THEIR STORIES 260 + + LETTER LXXIV. + + CONCERNING THE SERIOUS MISTAKE OF THE VENERABLE GAMMON, THE + CHAPLAIN'S POETICAL DISCOVERY, THE PROMOTION OF COMMODORE HEAD, + AND THE RECEPTION OF THE PRESIDENT'S PROCLAMATION BY THE + SOUTHERN CONFEDERACY 299 + + LETTER LXXV. + + SETTING FORTH THE FALSE AND TRUE ASPECTS OF BEAMING OLD AGE + RESPECTIVELY, AND SHOWING HOW THE UNBLUSHING CONFEDERACY MADE + ANOTHER RAID 310 + + LETTER LXXVI. + + REFERRING TO THE MOSQUITO AS A TEST OF HUMAN NATURE, EXPLAINING THE + LONG HALT OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE, AND NOTING THE COURT OF + INQUIRY ON CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN 320 + + LETTER LXXVII. + + SHOWING WHAT EFFECT DEMOCRATIC TRIUMPHS HAVE UPON THE PRESIDENT, + NOTING OUR CORRESPONDENT'S STRANGE MISTAKE ABOUT A BRITISH + FLAG, AND INDICATING THE STRATEGIC ADVANCE OF THE MACKEREL + BRIGADE 328 + + LETTER LXXVIII. + + IN WHICH THE STORY TOLD BY THE GERMAN MEMBER OF THE COSMOPOLITAN + CLUB IS DULY REPORTED 337 + + LETTER LXXIX. + + SHOWING HOW THE NATIONAL INSANITARY COMMITTEE MADE A STRANGE + BLUNDER; HOW THE BELOVED GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE WAS + REMOVED AND EXALTED; AND ENDING WITH AN INFALLIBLE RECIPE 358 + + + + + THE + + ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS. + + SECOND SERIES. + + + + + LETTER LIII. + + NOTING THE LAMENTABLE INCONVENIENCES OF A "PRESS-CENSORSHIP," AND + PARTIALLY REVEALING THE CIRCUMSTANCES ATTENDANT ON A MARVELLOUS + STRATEGIC CHANGE OF BASE BY THE MACKEREL BRIGADE. + + + WASHINGTON, D. C., July 6, 1862. + +When in the course of human events, my boy, it becomes necessary for a +chap of respectable parentage to write a full and graphic account of a +great battle, without exasperating the press-censor by naming the +locality of the conflict, nor giving the number of the troops engaged, +the officers commanding, the movements of the different regiments, the +nature of the ground, the time of day, or the result of the struggle; +when it becomes necessary for a chap of respectable parentage to do +this, my boy, that chap reminds me of a poor chap I once knew in the +Sixth Ward. + +The poor chap took daguerreotype-likenesses in high style for low +prices, and one day, there came to his third-story Louvre a +good-looking young man, dressed in a high botanical vest-pattern and +six large-sized breast-pins, and says he to the picture chap, +confidentially: + +"There's a young woman living in Henry-street, which I love, and who +admires to see my manly shape; but her paternal father refuses to +receive me into the family on account of my low celery. Now," says the +breastpin-chap, knowingly, "I will give you just twenty-five dollars if +you'll go to that house and take the portrait of that young lady for +me, pretending that you have heard of her unearthly charms, and want +her picture, to add to the collection shortly to be sent to the Prince +of Wales." + +Having witnessed the worst passions of his landlord that morning, my +boy, and received a telegraphic dispatch of immediate importance from +his tailor, the artist chap heard about the twenty-five dollar job with +a species of deep rapture, and undertook to do the job. He went to the +Henry-street palatial mansion with his smallest camera under his arm, +and when he got into the parlor he sent for the young lady. But she +didn't see it in that light, my boy, and she wouldn't come down. For a +moment the poor chap was in a fix; but he was there to take her +portrait, or perish in the attempt, and as he saw an oil-painting of +the young girl over the mantelpiece, he took that, and skedaddled. The +next day the breastpin-chap called at his Louvre again, and says to him: + +"Have you taken Sary's portrait?" + +"Yes," says the artist chap, "I took it." + +"Where is it?" says the breastpin-chap with emotion. + +"There it is," says the artist-chap, pointing to the oil-painting, with +a pleasing expression of countenance. + +As high art is not appreciated in this country, my boy, a policeman +called at the Louvre that afternoon and removed the artist-chap to a +place which is so musical that all the windows have bars, and each man +carries a stave. + +As my taste for music is not uncontrollable at present, my boy, and I +can't write a full account of a battle, without referring in some +degree to the struggle, which we are forbidden to mention, I shall not +be particular as to details. + +I am permitted to say that I went down to Paris with my gothic steed +Pegasus on Monday last, and found the Mackerel Brigade coming back +across Duck Lake with the frantic intention of changing its base of +operations. The Conic Section, my boy, had been ordered to advance and +force the Southern Confederacy to compel it to retreat, and the +rapidity with which this was accomplished was a brilliant vindication +of the consummate strategy of the general of the Mackerel Brigade. I +found the general a few miles back of the scene of action issuing +orders--for the same, with a little more sugar, and says I: + +"Well, my indefatigable Napoleon, have you changed your base +successfully?" + +The general smiled like a complacent porpoise, and says he: + +"We've reached our second base, my friend, being compelled to do so by +the treble force of the enemy." + +I went on to the second base, which I reached just in time to see +Captain Villiam Brown, on his geometrical steed Euclid, arresting the +flight of Company 3, Regiment 5, under Captain Samyule Sa-mith. + +"Samyule! Samyule!" says Villiam, feeling behind him to make sure that +his canteen was all right, "is this the way you treat the United States +of America at such a critical period in her distracted history?" + +"I scorn your insinivation," says Samyule, "and repel your observation. +I am executing a rapid flank movement according to Hardee." + +"Ah!" says Villiam, "excuse my flighty remarks. I do not mean to say +that you can be frightened," says Villiam, soothingly; "but it's my +opinion that your mother was very much annoyed by a large-sized _fly_ +just before you were added to the census of the United States of +America." + +Villiam's idea of the connection between cause and effect, my boy, is +as clear as a brandy-punch when the sugar settles. + +The battle now raged in a manner which I am not permitted to describe, +with results I am not allowed to communicate. Villiam appeared wherever +the fray was the thickest, waving his celebrated sword Escalibar +(Anglo-Saxon of crowbar), and encouraging all the faint-hearted ones to +get between himself and the blazing Confederacy. Borne a considerable +distance backward by the force of circumstances, he had reached a +comparatively clear spot in the rear, when he suddenly found himself +confronted by Captain Munchausen, of the Southern Confederacy. + +Captain Munchausen was mounted upon the thinnest excuse for four legs +that I ever saw, my boy; and what tempted nature to form such an excuse +when the same amount of bone-work would have brought more money, it was +not for mortal man to know. + +"Ha!" says Villiam, hastily reining-up Euclid, and touching his sword +Escalibar, ominously, "we meet once more to discuss the great national +question of personal carnage." + +"Sir," says Captain Munchausen, superciliously waving his keen edged +poker and drawing his fiery steed up from his knees, "it is my private +intention to produce some slaughter in a private family of the name of +Brown." + +Fire flashed from Villiam's eyes, he replaced a small flask in his +bosom, and says he: + +"Come on, and let the fight come off." + +Then, my boy, commenced a series of equestrian manoeuvres calculated to +exemplify all the latest improvements in cavalry tactics and patent +circusses.--Round and round each other rode the fierce foemen, bobbing +convulsively in their saddles like exasperated jumping-jacks, and +cutting the atmosphere into minute slices with their deadly blades. Now +did the determined Villiam amble sideways toward the rebel, thrusting +fiercely at him when only a few yards intervened between them; and anon +did the foaming Munchausen wriggle fiercely backward against the +haunches of the steed Euclid, slashing right and left with tumultuous +perspiration. + +It was when this thrilling combat was at the hottest that the steed +Euclid, being exasperated by a large blue-bottle fly, arose airily to +his hind legs, and carried the Union champion right on top of his +enemy. Down came the glittering Escalibar on the shoddy helmet of the +astonished Munchausen; but the deadly blade was not sharp enough for +its purpose, and only caused the foeman to make hasty profane remarks. + +"Ah!" says Villiam, bitterly, eyeing his sword as Euclid waltzed +backward, "I forgot to sharpen my brand after cutting that last plate +of smoke-beef." + +"Surrender!" shouted the unmanly Munchausen, noticing that Villiam was +sheathing his blade, and bearing gracefully down upon him in an +elaborate equestrian polka. + +"Never!" says Villiam, drawing his revolver, and firing madly into the +setting sun. + +Swiftly as the lightning flashes did the Confederate champion follow +suit with his pistol, sending a bullet horribly whizzing into the +nearest tree. + +"Die!" shouted Villiam, prancing excitedly in all directions, and +delivering another shot. Then he gazed upon his revolver with an +expression of inexpressible woe. The weapon had deceived him! + +"Perish!" roared Munchausen, discharging another barrel as he went +hopping about. After which, he ground his teeth, and gazed upon his +pistol with speechless fury. The weapon had played him false! + +I was gazing with breathless interest on this desperate encounter, my +boy, expecting to see more slaughter, when Captain Munchausen suddenly +turned his spirited stallion, and fled frantically from the scene; for +he had heard the shouts of the approaching Mackerels, and did not care +to be taken just then. + +"Ha!" says Villiam, gazing severely at Company 3, Regiment 5, as it +came pouring forward, "has the Southern Confederacy concluded to submit +to the United States of America?" + +What the answer was, my boy, I am not allowed to say; but you may rest +satisfied that a thing has been done which I am not permitted to +divulge; and should this lead, as I hope it will, to a movement I am +not suffered to make public, it cannot fail to result in a consummation +which I am forbidden to make known. But if, on the other hand, the +strategic movement which I am not at liberty to describe should be +followed by a stroke I am restrained from explaining, you will find +that the effect it would not be judicious in me to set forth, will +produce a consequence which the War Department denies me the privilege +of developing. + +I was speaking to a New England Congress chap, this morning, concerning +the recent events which I am compelled to remain silent about, and, +says he: "The proper way to save the Union is to bewilder the rebels by +issuing calls for fresh troops at breakfast-time, and countermanding +the calls as soon as the coffee comes in. Strategy," says the grave +legislative chap, thoughtfully, "is not confined to the tented field; +it may be used with good effect by Cabinet ministers; and our recent +proposal to reduce the army 150,000 men was a piece of consummate +legislative strategy." + +Legislative strategy is a very good thing to bewilder the rebels, my +boy; and if it also bewilders everybody else, the moral effect of the +adjournment of Congress will prove rather beneficial than otherwise to +our distracted country. + + Yours, under suppression, + ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + LETTER LIV. + + ILLUSTRATING THE DISASTROUS EFFECTS OF STRATEGY UPON NATIONAL + LITERATURE, AS EXEMPLIFIED IN THE ORIGINAL TALE READ BY OUR + CORRESPONDENT BEFORE THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB. + + + WASHINGTON, D. C., July 9th, 1862. + +A few weeks ago, my boy, when national strategy seemed rapidly coming +to a distinct understanding with the American Eagle, and the fall of +Richmond had resolved itself into a mere question of time--as slightly +distinguished from Eternity,--I became a member of the Cosmopolitan +Club. + +This club, my boy, is a select draft from the host of clumsy but +respectable foreigners now assembled here to criticize the military +performances of our distracted country, and I have the honor to +represent my native land, _solus_, in it. Its members are, a civilized +Russian chap named Vitchisvitch, a Turk named N. E. Ottoman, an +Englishman named Smith-Brown, a Frenchman named Bonbon, a German named +Tuyfeldock, a Spaniard and myself. + +The object of this small international organization, which meets once +every three weeks, is to advance the cause of free and easy literature +in the lulls of national strife, and preserve coherent ideality and +tolerable grammar from falling into disuse. The foreign chaps, my boy, +all speak much better English than a majority of our brigadiers; and in +order to give a system to our proceedings, it has been resolved, that +each of us, in turn, shall relate an old-fashioned story relating to +his own particular country; and that all shall take pains to contribute +miscellaneous items for the general delectation of the club. + +The privilege of producing the first story was voted to me, my boy, and +at the meeting of the Cosmopolitan last evening, I produced from my +pocket a manuscript already secured from me by a wealthy journal +(VANITY FAIR.--ED.) for a fabulous sum, and proceeded to regale +assembled Europe with + + + A QUARTER OF TWELVE. + + + CHAPTER I.--F. F. VICISSITUDES. + +The forces of the Southern Confederacy--so called because a majority of +them were forced into the service--had just won another glorious +victory over their disinclination to retreat, and were rapidly +following it up, propelled by the National Army. The richest and best +blood of the South was profusely running for the cause to which it was +devoted, accompanied by those notable possessors in whose cases it +poured in vein. + +Seated at his breakfast-table in the city of Richmond, with his wife +for a _vis-a-vis_ at a board that might well have groaned for more +things than one, and his daughter at his right hand, was Mr. ORDETH, a +scion of one of those Virginia Families very properly designated as +"First" for the reason that no other Families on earth have ever felt +inclined to second them in anything. + +Mr. ORDETH was a personage of fiery and chivalrous visage, from the +lower circumference of which depended iron-grey whiskers, so similar in +shape to the caudal appendage of a mule, that one might suppose nature +to have intended the construction of an _asinus domesticus_ when first +she commenced to mould the mortal material, but, having inadvertently +planted the tail at the wrong end, was satisfied to finish him off as a +man. His hair was too much of a brush in its own character to agree +well with an artificial brush in the objective case; he wore a _robe de +chambre_ richly illustrated with impossible flowers growing on +improbable soil--let us say on holey ground; his nether continuations +were spotted here and there with diminutive banners of broadcloth +secession, and it was noticeable as he stretched his feet under the +table that his slippers had once done duty as crochet watch-cases. + +The table spread for the morning meal was peculiarly Virginiatic, being +very rich in plate and poor in provender; for hoe-cake and fried +Carolina potatoes were the only eatables visible, whilst the usual +places of coffee-pot, bread-plate and salt-cellar were supplied with +cards inscribed: "Coffee $20 per lb., in consequence of +Blockade."--"Flour $24 per bbl."--"Salt $25 per lb." If any member of +the Family felt inclined to wish for any of these last articles, he, or +she, had but to glance at the card substitutes to lose instantaneously +all appetite for said articles. There was philosophy in this idea, _mon +ami_. + +"LIBBY," said Mr. ORDETH, addressing his daughter, whose auburn curls +and pretty face were none the less attractive because they crowned what +seemed to be a troubled fountain of extremely loud calico with a dash +of moonlight on top--"LIBBY," said he, "pass me the morning journal." + +The morning journal, which had recently augmented its value as a family +and commercial sheet by coming out on superior wrapping paper, was +passed to her father by LIBBY, she having first satisfied herself, with +a sigh of disappointment, that the list of deaths did not contain the +name of a single one of her friends. + +Woman, _mon ami_, does not regard death as you and I do. To her it is a +sleep in which the slumberer himself becomes a dream for the rest of +the world; and its announcement is to her the mere evening breeze that +softly lifts another leaf in the sacred Volume of Memory, and lets the +starlight, falling through a shower of tears, rest on a name henceforth +to live immortal in the heart. I was told this by a young lady who +wears spectacles and writes for the Boston press. + +As Mr. ORDETH perused the latest news from the seat of war, his bosom +heaved to such an extent that one or two of the pins confining the +front of his dressing-gown to his throat gave out. "HONORIA," said he, +addressing his quiet little wife, who was spasmodically eating and +repairing a rent in her dress simultaneously,--"we have again defeated +the hordes of LINCOLN, and I think, my dear, that we had better get +ready to leave Richmond. The _Enquirer_ says: 'Yesterday a half a +hundred of our troops were attacked near Fredericksburg by nearly forty +thousand Yankees, whom they compelled to retreat after them toward this +city. We took four hundred prisoners who will be demanded of the enemy +immediately, and all of our men, save the messenger bringing the news, +are now briskly pushing forward in the direction of Fort Lafayette.' +You see, my dear, we always whip them inland. The Yankees gain all +their victories on water." + +Which is very true; for it is as much a fact that the national troops +win their triumphs on water, as it is that the rebels do _their_ best +on whiskey. + +Mrs. ORDETH made no verbal reply to her husband's exultations, but +assumed that simpering expression of countenance by which ladies are +accustomed to denote their amiable willingness to swallow without +question whatever the speaker may say. + +"Providence is evidently favorable to the South," continued the head of +the Family, impressively, "and has thus far treated us in a gentlemanly +manner; but should it happen, HONORIA, that the Hessian vandals of +LINCOLN _should_ reach this city, I myself will be the first to fire +all I hold dear, rather than let it fall into the hands of the invader. +Yes!" exclaimed Mr. ORDETH with enthusiasm, rising from his chair and +moving excitedly toward the door of the apartment,--"with my own hands +would I apply the torch to you and to my child." + +"O VICTOR," said Mrs. ORDETH, with tears springing to her eyes, "I +reckon you would." + +"Aside from the wrongs of the South," continued the inspired ORDETH, +pushing his bowie-knife a little further round behind his back, that it +might not hurt his hip,--"we have Family losses to avenge. Only +yesterday, my uncle was struck at Yorktown with a shell that completely +tore his head from his body." + +"How perfectly absurd!" ejaculated the hitherto silent LIBBY. + +"Why it's actually ridiculous," said Mrs. ORDETH. + +And so it was. The sex have a keen perception of the ludicrous. + +"How I wish that our vigilants had caught that low-minded Abolition +whelp, PETERS," continued the Virginian, grinding his teeth; "but he +disappeared so suddenly that day, that I was entirely bewildered. To +think that the hound--my cousin's son as he is--should dare to demand +payment of a bill from a Southern gentleman! He will find congenial +souls among LINCOLN'S hordes, I reckon." + +The speaker evidently recognized the fact that a man with a bill to +collect would derive very little benefit from Southern hoards, at any +rate. + +A close observer might have noticed that Miss LIBBY'S cheeks betrayed +the faintest tint of virgin wine at this last speech of her father's; +but as it is not my business to inquire the wine wherefore of +everything, I shall say no more about that at present. + +While speaking, the paternal ORDETH had placed his hand unconsciously +as it were on the knob of the door; and now, with a sudden movement, he +opened the door. Or rather, he simply turned the knob; for the door +fairly forced itself open against him, and there unexpectedly tumbled +half way into the room a somewhat venerable person from Afric's sunny +fountains. From the manner in which this colored person fell across the +sill, it was evident that he had been upon his knees the instant before. + +The ladies uttered little shrieks and then went on with their hoe-cake; +but Mr. ORDETH viewed the intruder with a glance of suspicion. + +"JOCKO, you black reskel!" said he, in a suppressed manner, "what are +you doing here?" + +The oppressed African, who, like most slaves was pious, rose to his +feet with touching humility, and said he: + +"Ise watchin', Mars'r, for de Angel of de Lor'." + +"Oh," returned the haughty Virginian, scorning to show how deeply he +was affected, "you're watchin' for that, are you?" + +"Yes, Mars'r," said the attached slave; "and I hab pray dat my good +Mars'r may gib up drinkin' and be one of the good angels too. Oh, +Mars'r ORDETH, I hab wrastle much for you in prayer." + +I know not how that slaveholder's heart was affected by this beautiful +instance of his humble bondman's devotion; but I do know, _mon ami_, +that he reached forth his right hand, seized the chattel by the collar, +and was heard to carry on a blasphemous conversation with him for the +space of fifteen minutes thereafter, in the hall. + + + CHAPTER II.--"ROBERT, ROBERT TOI QUE J'AIME." + +In a room directly over the one last mentioned--a room whose only +furniture was a rude bedstead, a looking-glass with a writing-table +under it and a gas-bracket extending half way across it, and a lounge +extemporized from three tea-boxes and a quilt--stood Mr. BOB PETERS, +aged twenty-three, a bachelor and a fellow man. The time was just +twenty-four hours after the scene depicted in my first chapter, and as +the rays of the sunny Southern sun poured through a window upon the +figure of Mr. BOB PETERS, they revealed an individual who was evidently +unable, just then, to make a raise himself. + +ROBERT was a tall, smooth-faced, good-natured-looking youth, wearing a +coat that buttoned up to his very chin and was painfully shiney at its +various angles, corners, and button-holes; a pair of inexpressibles +very roomy and equally glossy about the knees; a brace of carpet +slippers, and (although indoors) a hat in a "Marie Stuart" condition. +That is to say, the style of hat worn thus inappropriately by Mr. BOB +PETERS, corresponded to a fashion in vogue with the ladies not long +ago, when the latter imagined that a bonnet very much mashed down in +front caused each and all of them to present a touching and life-like +resemblance to the unfortunate Queen of Scots. In fact, this bonnet did +really give them just about such a frightened look as they might be +supposed to wear should some modern ELIZABETH TUDOR order them all to +instant execution. + +Adding to the consideration of Mr. BOB PETERS' severely straitened +costume the fact that he was smoking an incredibly cheap segar, it is +reasonable to infer that he was rather hard-up when awake and not much +troubled with soft down when asleep. + +Viewing Mr. BOB PETERS financially and judging him by a golden rule, +one could see about him considerable that was due unto others, as each +of the others was likely to be dun unto him. + +"Bless my soul!" soliloquized Mr. BOB PETERS, hastily turning from a +long and profound contemplation of himself in the mirror and commencing +to pace noiselessly up and down the room,--"here's misery! Shut up in +the garret of one of the First Families, with a chap thirsting for my +blood at the head of the domestic circle down stairs, and the whole +Confederacy ready to bolt me without salt--which is very dear here just +now. Here's a situation for an unmarried man!" exclaimed Mr. BOB +PETERS, insanely tearing his "Marie Stuart" from his head and bitterly +crunching it in his hand--"confined here as a prisoner by the young +woman of my affections to save my life from her own father's sanguinary +designs. Upon my soul!" groaned Mr. BOB PETERS, drearily slapping his +left leg, "it's enough to make me take to drinking, and I--" + +"Dear BOB!" + +Were you ever awakened from a horrid nightmare dream of capital +punishment and sudden death, _mon ami_, by the soft, persuasive voice +of woman calling you to a breakfast of etherial rolls and new-born +eggs? If so, you can understand the feelings of Mr. PETERS when these +fond words roused him from his terrible reverie. + +He spun blithely round on his dexter heel, absorbed the faithful LIBBY +to his manly breast, and incontinently kissed for his lips a coating of +lustrous bandoline from the head of the fashionable maiden. + +"Oh bliss!" ejaculated Mr. BOB PETERS, standing on one foot by way of +intensifying the sensation, "my angel visits me in my dungeon, as +angels visited other good men in the Scriptures." + +"Oh BOB, how you do smell of smoke," said the devoted LIBBY. + +"And thanks to your thoughtfulness for the regalias which have so +lightened my lonely hours, since the day when you brought me up to this +room and then told a virtuous and unsuspecting police that I had fled +in the direction of the _aurora borealis_. By the way LIBBY," said Mr. +BOB PETERS, thoughtfully, "my segar-lighters are all out, and if you +_could_ make me a few more out of the rest of those Confederate +Treasury Notes--" + +"I will, I will," responded Miss ORDETH, lifting first one white +shoulder and then the other, as though she would thereby work down her +waist more firmly into the belt formed by Mr. BOB PETERS' right arm; +"but now, dear BOB, we must think of how you are to be got safely away +from this house and out of the city. If my pa should find out that you +have been here all this time, when he thought you were running for dear +life, he would--I really believe"--said Miss LIBBY ORDETH, with +increasing eyes, "that he would actually apply the torch to me without +waiting for the Yankees!" + +Mr. BOB PETERS shuddered and turned pale, barely saving himself from +fainting by clasping his companion more tightly and leaning heavily +against her lips. + +The infatuated girl did not see the face peering in through the half +open door behind her, as she continued:-- + +"_Quarter-past twelve is the hour_, BOB, though I can't say on what +night it shall be, yet. You must be already to start on any night, and +in the meantime our meetings are, if possible, to be continued." + +"You say that quarter-past twelve is the hour?" observed Mr. PETERS, +reflectively, patting the head against his shoulder in a somewhat +paternal manner. + +"Yes, dear BOB; and I wish I could be sure of pa's going to bed earlier +than that; for I know it will be hard for you to go out into the street +at that time of night. You are not accustomed to such late hours at +home." + +And, indeed, he was not; for Mr. BOB PETERS' "hours" at home were apt +to be considerably later, especially when he went into morning for some +dear friend. + +"Sweet innocence!" exclaimed the young man, much affected by this +evidence of thoughtfulness in his behalf, "your kindness almost makes +me forget the treatment I have experienced at the hands of your being's +author." + +"I think you can get off next Sunday night," continued LIBBY, "if +brother is sergeant of the guard; for he promised to see that you got +across the bridge and past the patrol. JOCKO will open the street door +for you when you start: and I want you to send me word, if you can, +after you get to New-York, what kind of bonnets they're going to wear +this summer." + +"Dear girl!" murmured BOB, fondly, "I'll find out the style and mention +it to one of our Generals, who will let you know by note, as soon as he +arrives here." + +"Dear BOB!--but I must go now. Is there anything I can send you to make +you more comfortable?" + +As they stood there facing each other, Mr. BOB PETERS closed his right +eye for an instant, and suffered the muscles of his month to relax, +thereby expressing some want too deep for words. + +"You shall have it," said the young girl, turning to leave the room. At +the door she was met by JOCKO, who entered as she passed out, for the +ostensible purpose of removing the remains of the captive's recent +surreptitious breakfast. + +The sound of the maiden's light footsteps soon died away in the +passage, like the vibrations of a high-strung instrument in a passage +of music, and the two men stood alone together. + +There they were--the White and the Black; the one a freeman in all save +being deprived of his liberty; the other a slave in all save being +unrestricted of his freedom. Who could tell what was working in the +mind of each? Who should draw the line between those men, when all was +dark for the white and a luckless wight was the black? Who should say +that the white man was anything better than the black man, that the +latter should bear the bonds of slavery--bonds as hard to bear even as +Confederate bonds? Look at inanimate nature. Is it not the _White_ of +an egg that bears the yolk? Then why should the white man turn the yoke +altogether over to the black man? But I must refuse to follow out this +great metaphysical question any further. The weather is too warm. I +will leave it to the Awful and Unfathomable German Mind, which delights +to toy heavily with the elephants of Thought. + +"Mars'r," said JOCKO, handing a folded paper to the fugitive prisoner, +"dis was gub to me for you by my chile EFRUM, dat b'longs to Missus +ADAMS; and I hope, Mas'r, dat you will read um with fear an' trem'lin, +for the Lor' is very good to let you lib in your great sins, Mars'r." + +How beautiful, _mon ami_, is that strong spirit of piety we often find +developed in the uncultivated, like the rich oyster found on the barren +sea-shore. Taken in connection with the children of HAM, it is as +mustard to a sandwich, for moving us to occasional tears. + +Mr. BOB PETERS waved the faithful black from his presence, and read the +note, which ran thus: + +"MR. PETERS,--SIR:--Though, as a daughter of the Sonny South, I cannot +but regard you as a traitor to our country, the memory of past hours in +my soul-life induces me to act toward you as a heart-friend. I have +heard, through those faithful beings of which your friends would rob +and murder us, that you are a prisoner, and will save you. Contrive to +get out of the house in some way on Sunday (to-morrow) evening, at _a +quarter of twelve_, and you will find those waiting for you who will +deliver you for a time from our vengeance. It is the impulsive +heart-throb of a weak woman that bids me do this--not the +spirit-aspiration of the Southern daughter. + + "EVE ADAMS." + +Mr. BOB PETERS lowered the hand holding the note until it rested +heavily on his right knee, and gazed before him, as he sat on his +couch, with a puzzled expression of countenance. He had been sitting in +this way, perfectly motionless, for five minutes perhaps, when the door +was gently pushed open a few inches, a dainty white hand came through +the aperture, deposited a mysterious black bottle on the floor very +softly, and disappeared as it came. In an instant, Mr. PETERS sprang to +his feet, dashed the note to the ground, seized the bottle, and +immediately applied it to his lips with great enthusiasm. + +His Mistress had understood that last subtle glance he gave her. With +the wonderful insight of man's deeper nature peculiar to girls about +eighteen years old, she had divined the one thing required to make the +captive comfortable. + +Oh, woman, woman! In the language of a revised poet-- + + "Without the smile from partial beauty won, + Ah, what were man!--a world without a son!" + + + CHAPTER III.--THE WIDOW'S MITE. + +The ADAMSES resided in one of the aristocratic by ways crossing Main +Street, and were directly descended from those distinguished and +chivalric _anciens pauvres_ of the Old Dominion, who boasted the blood +of the English cavaliers, and were a terror to their foes and +creditors. ADAMS, the husband and father, was a fine specimen of the +Southern gentleman in his day, possessing an estate in Louisa County, +so completely covered with mortgages that no heir could get to it, and +having won great fame by inventing an entirely new and singularly +humorous oath for the benefit of a Yankee governess, when that despised +hireling presumed to ask for a portion of her last year's salary. He +might have lived to a green old age, but for the extraordinary joy he +experienced at having negotiated a second mortgage on some property not +worth quite half the first, which filled this worthy man with such +exceeding great joy, that he drank rather more at a sitting than would +start an ordinary hotel-bar, and died soon after of _delirium tremens_, +as such noble and chivalric souls are very apt to do. The family left +by the lamented ADAMS, consisting of a wife and one child--a daughter, +at once assumed the most becoming style of mourning, moved in a funeral +procession through society for six months, and then resigned themselves +to the will of Providence with that beautiful cheerfulness which may +either denote a high order of Christianity, or a low order of memory, +as the case may be. + +At the period of which the present veracious history treats, the +bereaved mother and daughter were living in subdued style in the +locality designated above. Among their most intimate associates were +the ORDETHS, between whose family and theirs there existed that +pleasing and kindly familiarity which permits the most open recognition +of mutual virtues in society and the most searching criticism of +individual weaknesses at home. The ADAMSES and ORDETHS met at each +other's houses with gushes of endearment that edified all beholders; +and if Miss EVE said to her mother on their way home from church that +LIBBY ORDETH looked like a perfect fright in that ridiculous new bonnet +of hers, it was only because her affectionate heart felt a pang at +seeing her bosom-friend appear to less advantage than her own +self-sacrificing self. + +It is a touching peculiarity of this modern friendship, _mon ami_, that +a majority of the errors its fairest votaries detect in each other, are +those of the head--not of the heart. EVE ADAMS, whose diminutive size +had given occasion to the _mot_ by which she was denominated the +"Widow's Mite," was calling at the ORDETHS when Mr. BOB PETERS first +came in under a flag of truce from Fortress Monroe, and was witness to +the chivalric reception accorded to that gentleman by his relatives, +before his pecuniary mission was known. In the exuberance of his +nature, Mr. PETERS had kissed her with the rest of the family, and from +the moment of receiving that chaste salutation, EVE had selected the +Northern stranger as her hero in that ideal novel of spiritual +yellow-covers in which all maidens live, and move and have their beings +until stern reality bursts upon them in the shape of a husband or a +snub. + +From thenceforth she was a frequent visitor at the ORDETHS, and laid +close siege to the gay ROBERT'S heart with all the languishment deemed +necessary in such cases, and a tremendous flirtation was going on +before the maiden discovered that the affections of the youth were +already given to another. Then came a revulsion of feeling, opening the +eyes of the Widow's Mite to the fact that Mr. BOB PETERS was a thieving +abolitionist, unworthy the toleration of any true daughter of the +South. After this overpowering revelation, it was the first thought of +EVE ADAMS to at once inform the festive PETERS of the utter detestation +in which she held him, and a favorable opportunity soon offered. At a +social gathering at the ORDETH'S, she had withdrawn for a moment to an +ante-room, for the purpose of drawing from her bosom an elegant silver +snuff-box, dipping therein a small brush, and subsequently applying the +same to her pearly teeth, when Mr. BOB PETERS entered unannounced, and +agreeably demanded a "pinch." The situation was favorable to an avowal +of enmity, and a suitable expression was rising to the lips of the +maiden, when the thought of a still keener revenge kept her silent, and +she contented herself with a temporary sneer and a majestic exit from +the apartment. + +It was soon after this incident that Mr. BOB PETERS' presentation to +Mr. ORDETH of the bill for furniture which he had been empowered to +collect by a New York house, reminded the latter that it was his duty, +as a patriot, to sacrifice even his cousin's son for the good of the +Confederacy. With the stern self-devotion of an ancient Roman, Mr. +ORDETH not only accused his hapless relative of flagrant Abolitionism, +but at once made arrangements with the military authorities for that +relative's immediate incarceration as an enemy to the Commonwealth. An +enemy to the Commonwealth of Virginia must be indeed an unnatural +wretch; for no such wealth is known to be in existence just now, and +enmity to the dead is a thing inexcusable. It was a crime of which Mr. +BOB PETERS was incapable; yet would he have suffered for it, had not +the devoted LIBBY concealed him in the hour of danger. + +Of this concealment, Miss EVE had learned from EFRUM, the son of JOCKO, +though she knew not how long it was to be continued. + + + CHAPTER IV.--"TWO HEARTS THAT BEAT AS ONE." + +Several of the Richmond churches were opened that Sunday night, and +thither repaired many of the Cottonocracy, devotional children of Bale, +to implore Providence in behalf of an army whose heroes have generally +appeared, in the eyes of the Federal troops, to be wholly Leave-ites. +The recent intelligence of "another confederate victory," at +Williamsburg, had added a finishing touch to the panic created by +reports of the triumphal retreat from Yorktown previously received, and +the fervor of Richmond's piety on that evening was eminently worthy of +a city liable at any moment to be cannonized. The reverend clergy of +the rebel capital selected their texts from Exodus by instinct, as it +were, and proved so conclusively that the Yankee invader was no man, +that the listening congregations were impressed with an instructive and +repentant sense of their own wickedness, (for they are the wicked who +invariably flee when "no man" pursueth,) and several members evinced +their new-born disgust at this sinful world by resolutely closing their +eyes upon it at once. + +In his pew sat Mr. VICTOR E. ORDETH, with his wife and son, the latter +a member of the Richmond Home Guard. Stiff and erect he sat, like a +solemn note of admiration in a printer's case, ready to be used at the +end of any sounding passages, suffering an expression of weighty +approval to cross his countenance when the preacher hoped the same +planets might not thereafter be destined to shine on the North and the +South. + +And well he might; for there had been something in the late capture of +New Orleans and other ports by the Union fleets to impress the Southern +mind with no small dread of the North's tar. + +LIBBY remained at home under plea of sick-headache; but no sooner were +her parents fairly out of the house, than said plea proved to be +entirely invalid. At least, the young lady darted to her own private +room in a very sprightly manner, brought out from thence a small +package, and finally repaired to the apartment wherein Mr. BOB PETERS +kept solitary vigils and a bright lookout. Before passing in, however, +she paused to have a few words with the faithful JOCKO, whom she +discovered on his knees before the door of the captive's cell, with his +right eye slightly to the left of the knob. + +"JOCKO!" she exclaimed, reproachfully, "what are you doing here, you +ridiculous thing?" + +"Miss LIBBY," said the humble servitor, looming dimly in the shadow of +the hall as he slowly arose from his feet, "Ise ben prayin' dat you +might become a christian, and one ob these days, when de great +Hallelugerum come, hab wings and a harp." + +Scarcely were these affecting words uttered, when Mr. PETERS tore open +the door rather disrespectfully, so greatly discomposing the devoted +black that the latter incontinently fled. + +"My dear girl," said BOB, leading his fair visitor into the room, "I'm +delighted to see you. The shutters are up, the gas is lit, and I'm +prepared to do the sentimental. Oh-um-m--Lubin's Extracts!" ejaculated +Mr. BOB PETERS. For he had kissed her. + +"There, dear ROBERT, don't be so absurd. You know you are going to +leave us to-night, and I have brought you--" here LIBBY blushed with +that exquisitely ingenuous emotion which is excited by the +consciousness of benefiting one we love--"I have brought you some +things that may be of use on your journey. You won't be angry with me +for it, will you, dear BOB? There's a smoking cap, and a pair of +crochet slippers, and some drawing pencils, and a volume of TUPPER." + +"My darling LIBBY!" remarked the deeply affected ROBERT, alighting on +those tempting lips once more. "But did you think, love--did you think +to put a quart of ice-cream and a few hair-pins in the package?" + +"Why, no." + +"Ah, well," said Mr. BOB PETERS, abstractedly, "I suppose I can buy +them on the road." + +Silence, disturbed only by the beating of those two hearts, reigned for +a few seconds, then-- + +"BOB," said LIBBY, looking shyly up to him, "we shall be very happy +when we are married and live North?" + +"Yes, indeed," said BOB. + +"We'll live in such a beautiful house on Fifth Avenue, dear, and have +such nice things. Because, you know, you can make so much money by your +writings." + +"Millions! my love," said Mr. BOB PETERS, with sudden and wonderful +quietude of tone. "When I left New York prose was bringing two dollars +for seven pounds in the heavy dailies, and philosophical poetry quoted +at six shillings a yard, and no hexameters allowed except for EMERSON +and HOMER. Ah!" said Mr. PETERS, his melancholy deepening rapidly to +bitterness, "my last poem sickened me. It was called 'Dirge: addressed +to a lady after witnessing the Drama of the "Toodles,"' and commenced +in this way: + + 'Not all the artist's pow'r can limn, + Nor poet's grander verse disclose, + The plaintive charm that ev'ning dim, + Imparts unto the dying rose.'" + +"How pretty!" said LIBBY. + +"Yes, my dear," responded Mr. PETERS, somewhat gloomily; "but because I +used 'dim' to rhyme with 'limn,' all the papers credited it to GENERAL +MORRIS." + +Recollections of this flagrant piece of injustice so affected Mr. BOB +PETERS, that he smote his breast and called himself a miserable man. "I +really don't know but I'd better stay here and be hung like a +respectable patriot," murmured the desolated young man. + +"How absurd!" exclaimed the young lady, "you will be glad enough to get +away to-night. Remember, now, you are to start down stairs at +quarter-past Twelve, precisely, and JOCKO will open the front door for +you. Then go straight to the bridge, where you will find my brother, +who will get you by the guard." + +"That reminds me," observed Mr. PETERS, "what time is it? I must set my +repeater." + +LIBBY consulted her watch and answered that it was half-past eight, +whereupon Mr. BOB PETERS fished from his fob a vast silver +conglomeration, and having wound it up with a noise like that of a +distant coffee mill, and set it correctly, proceeded to hang it, for +convenient reference, upon the gas-branch across the mirror. + +"Dear BOB, good bye." + +"Fare thee well, and if for ever, still remember me," responded Mr. +PETERS, with some vagueness. + +"We shall meet again?" said LIBBY, lingering. + +"If I did not believe it," replied Mr. BOB PETERS, with vehemence, "I +should at once proceed to kill myself at your feet, covering the walls +and furniture of the apartment with my gore." + +"God bless you, BOB." + +They parted wiping their mouths. Miss ORDETH went down stairs in tears, +had a fit of hysterics on the sofa, and fell asleep with her head in +the card basket. + + + CHAPTER V.--BETRAYED INNOCENCE. + +There he slumbered on that rude lounge, with his head upon his hands +and his hands under his head. A man, like you--or me--or any other man. +Did you ever notice how you always keep your eyes shut when you are +asleep? The lids come down over your orbs, your soul's windows, like +night over the sun. You shall have visions of Heaven, or Hades, +according to what you had for supper. Lobster salad, or truffles, will +act upon a sleeping man's great, dark soul, like one of PAGE'S pictures +on the open eye. Make it see light blue landscapes, and pallid faces +looking out of pink distances. You think that young man there is +sleeping upon a rude couch? No. He is sleeping upon something not +palpable to your worldly eyes nor mine; he is sleeping upon an empty +stomach. You dare not pity him. His scornful, stern man's soul would +wither you if you talked to him of compassion. Such is man. An animal. +A worm of the dust. Yet proud. Ha! you know it. You blush for your +unworthy thought. Such is woman. Something aroused the sleeper +suddenly. It might have been an angel's whisper, or the kiss of an +insect. He sprang to his feet, shook himself, and mentally declared +that he had come pretty near getting asleep. The idea was rational. + +"By all that's blue! it can't be, though it is, by Jupiter!" + +The gas was still burning brightly. Mr. BOB PETERS had caught sight of +his watch as it was reflected in the mirror, with the hands pointing to +a quarter past Twelve. With great rapidity he grasped the repeater, +stabbed it into his fob, crushed his demoralized hat upon his head, +looked regretfully about the room, turned off the gas, and in another +moment was stealthily groping his way down stairs, toward the front +door. The door yielded to his hand, but no JOCKO was there. "I +suppose," murmured Mr. PETERS to himself, "I suppose the faithful +fellow is praying for me somewhere in the kitchen, with his hands +resting on a jar of sweetmeats. Ah! I ought to be a better man than I +am." With this excellent moral reflection, Mr. BOB PETERS stepped into +the street and faced boldly for the path to freedom; but at the very +first corner his road was barred by two individuals in military caps +and the first stage of intoxication. + +"Aryupeters--eters!" said one, who was evidently desirous of having but +a single word with him. + +"With a BOB," replied the fugitive sententiously. + +"Aw' ri', then," observed the two in chorus, and Mr. PETERS quickly +found himself attended on either side by guardians whose affectionate +manner of monopolizing his arms suggested a civil process of the most +uncivil sort. + +"Treachery!" he exclaimed, struggling fiercely. The twain held him +tightly, however, with the strength of tight-uns, and his exertion only +caused them to venture divers pleasant oaths concerning the destiny of +his eyes. + +Onward they dragged him, down Broad street and up half a dozen other +streets, until a certain rebel institution was gained. "In with'm," +said one of his captors; and they hurried him past a sentry and through +a hall into a long, low room, where half a dozen miserable candles +stuck up against the walls revealed a dismal company of over a +hundred--some stretched upon the floor, some standing about, and others +clustered around what appeared to be a cot in one corner. + +"Is this the Confederate Congress?" asked the astonished BOB, as his +captors left him, turning the key and adjusting various bolts as they +went out. + +"It's LIBBY'S pork-packing-house," answered the prisoner nearest him, +"and you're jugged, I suppose, as a spy." + +"Pork-packing!" ejaculated the bewildered BOB. "Why, this is treating +me like a hog." + +Several prisoners at once gave in their adhesion to this logical +premise. + +"Here's a case of betrayed innocence!" soliloquized Mr. BOB PETERS, +bitterly, "I've trusted to LIBBY, and Libby's taken me in."-- + +"I'm going to be exchanged, I tell you!" + +The sound came from the cot in the corner, and as the crowd in that +direction opened for a moment, the new-comer beheld a sight that, for a +time, made him forget his own troubles. A tall, gaunt man in ragged, +Zouave uniform was reclining upon his elbow on the miserable pallet, +the pale, dismal light of the candles disclosing a ghastly wound on his +right temple, from which the blood was trickling down upon his rusty +and matted beard. + +"I'm going to be exchanged, I tell you!" he exclaimed, waving the +others away with his left hand and glaring directly at BOB. "I've been +here a whole year, and Eighty's boys wants me back; and I'm going to be +exchanged." + +"The poor fellow was shot by one of the sentries this morning. He's +from a New York regiment, and has been a prisoner ever since Bull Run," +whispered one of the unfortunates to BOB. + +The latter approached the wounded man and kindly asked; "Can I do +anything for you, old fellow?" + +The dying Zouave regarded him with a ghastly smile; "Yes," said he, +"you can go down to Eighty's truck house and take care of little JAKE +till I'm exchanged. Will you, bub, will you?" + +"Is JAKE your child?" asked Bob. + +"No," responded the Zouave, softly, "it's only a little yaller dorg. I +aint got no wife, nor child, nor no friend except the masheen and +little JAKE. He's petty as a picture, bub, and he's slept with me many +a gay old night around Catherine Market--he has. You'll be kind to him, +bub, won't you?" + +"Here! what's this noise about? What are yes doin' with lights this +time ernight? I'll soon stop his Yankee groaning," were the words of a +brutal keeper, who had just come in and was roughly elbowing his way +toward the cot. + +"Stand off, you hound!" shouted BOB, throwing himself between the +keeper and the dying soldier. "Stand off!" growled the prisoners, +fiercely crowding upon the intruder with murder in their faces. + +"Hark!" said the Zouave, leaning listfully forward, "there goes the +Hall bell--one--two--three----" His features lighted up as with the +glow of a conflagration; his lips opened-- + +"_Fire! Fire! Fire!_" + +And the Zouave fell back upon the cot--dead. + +The keeper crawled forward like a whipped hound, and eyed the +outstretched form with a face full of fear: + +"Exchanged at last, by G--d!" + +True, O traitorous hireling! and by God alone. For when that honest, +loyal soul went out, there came to take its place an Avenging Spirit, +that shall not cease to call on Heaven for vengeance on the Southern +murderer until the cowardly stain of fifty thousand murders, such as +this, are washed out in a terrible atonement. + +"Poor little JAKE," murmured Mr. BOB PETERS, "I wonder if he's a +terrier." Then, turning to the keeper,--"How long is my imprisonment in +this terrible place to be continued?" + +The keeper eyed the querist with no very amiable expression, "You'll +stay here," said he, "until you take the Oath, I reckon." + +"In that case, my native land, good night," responded the interesting +captive, Byronically; "my incarceration will terminate with an +epitaph--'_Hic Jacet_ ROBERT PETERS. A victim of miss-placed +confidence. He died young'--Jailor, you are affected. Accept a quarter!" + +The Cerberus clutched the proffered coin and eyed it with feverish +intensity. It was evidently the first quarter he had seen since the +commencement of his services in that hole. The man's better nature was +touched. "Hist!" he said, drawing Mr. PETERS aside and speaking in a +whisper: "I can no longer conceal the truth. I am a Southern Union man." + +It is a beautiful peculiarity of our common nature, _mon ami_, that +crime never sinks so deeply nor perversion spreads so obstinately in +the human soul, but there is still a deeper current of normal rectitude +responsive to the force of currency. That this was known to the +ancients, is evinced by the antique custom of placing coins on the eyes +of the dead, thereby signifying to all concerned that, whatever faults +might have perished with the deceased, _de mortuis nil nisi bonum_. + +"Can't I have a room to myself?" asked BOB, after a short pause. + +"Follow me," was the response; and he followed the keeper through a +crowd of curious prisoners, up a stair-way against a wall, to a room on +the next floor. The keeper opened the door with a key from one of his +pockets, and led the way into an apartment whose only furniture was a +bed, a ricketty chair and a bit of looking-glass on a shelf. + +"I sleep here sometimes myself," said the keeper; "but you shall stay +here for a small rent. Make yourself comfortable." + +"Stop a minute," said BOB, as the man turned to leave. "Do you know how +I came to be arrested?" + +"I don't know exactly," was the answer; "but I believe you was informed +upon by some woman. Good night. Here's the candle." + +The prisoner cast himself upon the bed, as the key grated again in the +lock, and was fast asleep before the poor fellows down stairs had +extinguished their miserable lights. + +In the morning the friendly keeper brought him his breakfast, +consisting of a cup of something very much like "sacred soil" after a +heavy rain, two geological biscuits and a copy of the Richmond _Whig_. + +"What do you call this stuff?" asked Mr. PETERS, ruefully eyeing the +contents of the cup. + +"Coffee," replied the keeper, blandly, "real Mocha." + +Mr. PETERS was silent. To call such fluid Mocha was sheer mockery. + +The biscuits dispatched and the coffee defied, the captive betook +himself to deep and admiring contemplation of the newspaper; and was +deriving much valuable instruction from an article written to prove how +skilfully and ingeniously the Southern Confederacy had struck a telling +blow at its ruthless invaders by strategetically surrendering Norfolk, +when an early visitor was admitted. Said visitor was a young man +contained in a picturesquely-tattered uniform, with a fatigue cap on +his head and a rusty sword rattling at his heels. + +"BOB, my boy," said he, "how the mischief did you get into this scrape?" + +"This is some of your family's Chivalry," responded Mr. PETERS, shortly. + +"My governor certainly did come it over you a little," observed the +visitor, who was no other than the younger ORDETH; "but you might have +gone off safely enough if you'd been at the bridge at quarter-past +Twelve, as you were told. I don't like the governor's style any more +than you do, and if you had come to time I could have passed you out of +the lines easily enough." + +"I did come to time," answered BOB, with great bitterness, "and a +pretty time of night it was. How did I get into this scrape? The +Southern Confederacy brought me here. I've had enough of you and your +family. It affords me satisfaction to contemplate a perspective in +which your family are attending a funeral of one of their number whose +demise would be attended with funeral honors, if all his comrades were +not engaged in the work of running away from MCCLELLAN." + +Mr. PETERS hazarded this cutting insinuation of the future with an +expression of countenance rigidly severe. + +"But, my dear boy, there is some mistake. You--" + +"Enough, Sir!" + +"Oh, very well; if you won't you won't," exclaimed the Confederate +youth, growing very red in the face. "All I have to say is, that I have +done my part as your friend. If you had been at the bridge at +quarter-past Twelve last night, you might be back among the Yankees +now. And, let me tell you, those same Yankees will never conquer the +South." + +"Perhaps not," said Mr. PETERS, ironically. + +"One of our officers has just invented a new gun that will soon teach +the North manners," continued the Confederate, with increasing heat. +"It throws one-hundred-pound balls as fast as a man can turn the +handle." + +"Ah!" said BOB, sneeringly. + +"Yes; and it has but one defect." + +"What's that?" asked BOB, with some appearance of interest. + +"The handle won't turn!" ejaculated the young Virginian, darting +hastily from the room to hide his emotion. + +Mr. PETERS looked vaguely after the retreating form of the sensitive +youth, and as one of the keepers relocked the door again from the +outside, his face sank upon his hands. What did his visitor mean by +accusing him of not making his appearance at the appointed time? It was +exactly quarter-past Twelve when he left the house. "I see how it is," +murmured Mr. PETERS, between his hands; "the boy has been taking +something hot." + + + CHAPTER VI.--ANOTHER VISITOR. + +The ladies were taking their usual promenade through the main corridor +of the jail, curiously gazing at times through the newly-grated door at +the prisoners in the main room, and seasoning their morning gossip with +piquant observations on the probable execution of the horrid creatures +there confined. Mrs. PEYTON took occasion to inform Mrs. MASON that she +wouldn't pass a day without taking a look at the wretches for all the +world; and Mrs. MASON informed Mrs. PEYTON that her life would hardly +be endurable if she did not live in hope of seeing all the +Abolitionists there yet. Here young Mr. BARON ventured to intimate that +the Yankee prisoners were fortunate in being favored with such an array +of _fair_ before them; for which he was saluted as an "absurd thing," +and received a shower of taps from adjacent fans. + +Miss ADAMS led her companion, a neighbor's child, to where a keeper was +leaning idly against the wall. + +"Are these all your prisoners?" she asked. + +"All but one that was taken last night and is up stairs," replied the +official. + +"Is that one on exhibition?" + +"I reckon he is, if you want to see him." + +"Well," said Miss ADAMS, with an assumption of indifference, "I don't +know that it's worth while; but--well, I reckon I _will_ look at him." + +"This way, then, if you please," said the keeper, leading the way up an +adjacent flight of stairs and conducting the fair one to the room +occupied by Mr. PETERS. + +BOB was gazing gloomily out of the window and did not recognize the +presence of his new guests until the end of a parasol touched his +shoulder. + +"Miss ADAMS!" he exclaimed, offering his hand. + +The young lady tossed her head haughtily: + +"I don't wish to shake hands with an enemy of my country, sir." + +"I see," said BOB, coolly, "the presence of a third party obliges us to +vail our emotions. Keeper, leave the saloon." + +"Pay no attention to him, Keeper," retorted EVE, indignantly, "I wish +your attendance." + +Not at all abashed by the severity of her tone, Mr. PETERS nodded to +the officer and smiled pleasantly. + +"Then I must expose you with a witness to it," he said, good-naturedly; +"you are offended, Miss EVE because I did not comply with your kind +note and meet your friends at a quarter-of Twelve, instead of walking +straight into trouble at quarter-past, as I did." + +"You are beneath my notice," was the answer of Miss ADAMS; "but since +you choose to speak so I must explain myself to this good man here. You +are indebted to me for your present situation. I am a Southern woman, +sir, and it was my duty as a Southerner, to see that you did not escape +to injure our cause by telling some of your Northern falsehoods about +us. I wrote you the note you speak of in order that you might be drawn +from your hiding place, and also one to the authorities putting them on +the watch. I may be a woman, but I have the heart of a man." + +If Miss ADAMS did _not_ have the heart of a man it was owing to no +neglect on her part of any possible means to catch such a heart. That +is to say, all her dearest and most intimate female friends said so. + +Her speech was evidently intended to impress the prisoner with a +torturing sense of woman's vengeance, but, contrary to her expectation, +Mr. PETERS received it with the utmost complacency. In fact, he even +evinced a playful disposition and favored the attentive keeper with an +insidious wink. + +"I don't doubt that your intentions were excellent, Miss EVE," said Mr. +BOB PETERS, with an air of great enjoyment; "but they did not work as +well as your affectionate heart designed. Because--you see--I did'nt +come out at a quarter of Twelve at all, nor did I follow any of your +directions. Oh, no! It was just quarter-past Twelve by my repeater when +I departed from my late residence, and it's my private opinion that +your dear friend, Miss ORDETH, had the privilege of being my adviser on +that nocturnal occasion. Don't let your sensitive soul be afflicted +with the thought that _you_ have wronged confiding innocence," added +BOB, pathetically, "for I do assure you that you are as guiltless as +the child unborn." + +"What do you mean, sir?" asked EVE, in some haste; "were you not +arrested at a quarter of Twelve?" + +"Why no!" said BOB. "Don't I tell you that I didn't break cover until +quarter-past?" + +"Well, sir," snarled EVE, with no little irritation, "you're here at +any rate, and I hope you'll enjoy the society of your Yankee friends +down stairs. I hope you'll all be hung. I do." + +And the injured fair swept magnificently from the room, dragging with +her the neighbor's child, and leaving Mr. PETERS alone with the keeper. + +"I say, she's a spunky one," remarked the latter. "It's a pity you +really did'nt wait till quarter-past. I would'nt trust a woman with +such eyes as hers--I would'nt." + +"And I didn't trust them," said BOB. "It was full quarter-past by my +repeater when I came out, and if I'm betrayed it's by another woman." + +"Oh, come now," put in the keeper, deprecatingly, "it's all right, you +know, between us two. It was'nt but quarter-past when I locked you in +here, you know." + +"What!" exclaimed BOB. + +"Fact," said the keeper. + +Mr. PETERS deliberately drew out his watch and held it up in full view. + +"By all that's true!" said BOB, "it was quarter-past Twelve by that +repeater before I was taken last night." + +The rebel official looked steadily into the eyes of his prisoner for a +moment, and then withdrew hurriedly and in silence. He evidently +mistrusted the sincerity of Mr. PETERS, or believed that a man with +such a fast watch was too much ahead of _his_ time to be trusted +without a watch of a different kind. + + + CHAPTER VII.--UNION SENTIMENT DEVELOPING. + +If some modern BURTON would supply the world with an Anatomy of +Patriotism, _mon ami_, I am inclined to believe that his first +discovery in the process of dissection would be, that the modern +quality of that name is essentially lacking in the anatomical composite +of back-bone. Ordinary patriotism in practice, as far as I have been +able to observe it, is equivalent, in general aspect and result, to an +irresistible force in contact with an immovable body, those who are +chiefly carried away with it metaphorically being the last to yield to +its impulsion personally. In short, the quality appears to be a +sentiment rather than a motive in its character, and moves us to +inspire others rather oftener than it inspires us to move ourselves. + +Mr. VICTOR E. ORDETH was a patriot in the conventional sense of the +term, and when the Southern heart was first fired he took a very large +ember to his own bosom. None could be more ready to repudiate all their +Northern debts than was Mr. ORDETH to repudiate his, and his deadly +hatred of the Abolitionist was only equaled by that of a New England +man owning a colored drayman, and living next door to him. "We will +raise a million of soldiers if need be," said the chivalrous Virginian +at a public meeting in Richmond, "and sacrifice our last crust." After +which he went comfortably home and growled very much at the dampness of +his slippers and the barely perceptible chill in his buttered toast. +Great admiration was evoked on all sides by this spirited conduct, and +when he finally donated one hundred dollars of his creditors' money to +the Volunteer fund, there was some talk of making him a brigadier; but +it happened to leak out that he knew something of military business +from early study, and, of course, that project had to be given up. A +brigadier with military capability would be an anomaly indeed! + +And so, this self-sacrificed gentleman meekly wore his honors in +private life, his patriotism deepening and intensifying until it +attained the pitch of verbal perfection demonstrated in the first +chapter of this veracious narrative. Suddenly, however, this patriotism +suffered what its possessor's pocket did not--a "sea change": the +Confiscation Act passed by the Congress of the United States induced +Mr. ORDETH to consider seriously what might possibly happen to a +certain little property of his near Danville, in the event of certain +Union achievements; and the news of MCCLELLAN'S advance to within five +miles of Richmond, did not tend to increase the patriotic fervor of +this chivalrous Virginian. + +It was on the second morning after the summary incarceration of Mr. BOB +PETERS, that Mr. ORDETH peremptorily called for his newspaper, and, +having elevated his feet upon the window sill, proceeded to read the +more humorous articles of the journal in question, which were chiefly +devoted to the discussion of divers excellent plans for invading the +North in one column, and burning Richmond in the next. The only other +person in the apartment at the time was Mrs. ORDETH, who turned very +pale when her lord took up his paper, and watched him as he read, with +considerable agitation. She was evidently expecting an explosion, and +it came. + +Having perused with mitigated satisfaction a leader on the sublime +nobility of soul evidenced by the people who destroyed their city at +the approach of the enemy, Mr. ORDETH turned to the Local Department of +the reduced sheet before him, and was electrified at the discovery +therein of a full and accurate account of the arrest of "one ROBERT +PETERS, supposed to be a Yankee spy, who is said to have found refuge +for some time past in the house of a well-known citizen, and who was +seized at the instigation of a devoted Daughter of the South, who, by a +pardonable device, lured him from his hiding place for that purpose. +But for the disordered state of things just now, the citizen said to +have harbored this fellow would be called to account for his equivocal +concern in the matter." + +The paper dropped from the hands of Mr. ORDETH, and he stared at his +wife in utter bewilderment. + +"Don't be angry with us, VICTOR!" exclaimed that lady, tremblingly; for +she had seen the paper and anticipated what was coming. "LIBBY hid poor +BOB away because she didn't want to see one of our own relations taken +and hung, and when she told me of it I didn't dare to tell you." + +"And do you mean to tell me that it was in _my_ house he was secreted?" +asked the Virginian, tragically. + +"Yes, my dear, up-stairs, you know." + +This unexampled revelation might have produced a scene, had not the +door been opened at the moment by JOCKO, who unceremoniously entered +with a folded paper in his hand. + +"Dis wus brung for you, Mars'r, by de angel ob de--I mean by de gemman +wid gold on he shoulder." + +The master hastily snatched the paper from the dutiful black, waved him +magisterially from the presence, and found himself ordered to report on +the following morning for military duty at the headquarters of the +military commandant, Richmond. A new draft was ordered! + +Passing the paper to his wife, without a word of comment, Mr. ORDETH +commenced to pace the room with long and rapid strides. Finally, he +stopped short before his lady's chair:-- + +"I am beginning to think," said he, coolly, "that the Union is best for +the South, after all." + +"Yes, my dear." + +"And we must be off for Danville this very afternoon." + +"Oh!" + +A pause, and then-- + +"I was hasty about BOB. My friend, GENERAL EVANS, has just come in from +Leesburg. I must explain this matter to him and get BOB discharged; for +BOB may be of great service to us, my dear, when the Yankees take +possession." + +Mrs. ORDETH understood her husband well enough to appreciate this +remarkable change in his sentiments, and refrained from exhibiting any +astonishment at this speech. She only answered: + +"You know best, VICTOR." + +The head of the house received this judicious reply in full payment of +all demands on his wife's attention, and immediately went forth to put +his designs into execution--as fine a specimen of the Southern Union +man as ever welcomed the advent of the loyal army with enthusiasm, and +immediately presented a bill for damages sustained in the cause of +Freedom! + + + CHAPTER VIII.--WITHOUT END. + +Seated upon the lounge where _he_ so often had rested, with her elbows +resting upon the table on which _his_ arms had so frequently reposed, +sat the afflicted LIBBY. She had heard her paternal leave the house an +hour before, and she had just heard the sound of his boots in the hall +below as he returned; but she felt no desire to learn the reason +thereof. Like her mother, she had seen the account of MR. PETERS' +arrest in the morning paper, and her bewilderment at the statement +respecting the device used to entrap that persecuted youth by a +Daughter of the South, was only equalled by her grief at the +unfortunate present predicament of her lover. So absorbed was she in +her sorrows that she heard not the opening of the parlor door below +her, nor the sound of footsteps on the stairs:-- + +"Miss ORDETH!" + +Was it a dream? The beautiful mourner turned quickly in the direction +of the sound, and beheld the bodily presentment of Mr. BOB PETERS, who +stood near the door with his shocking bad hat between his hands and an +expression of stern reproach upon his countenance. + +"BOB!--you here?" exclaimed the maiden, starting from her seat with a +little shriek. + +"Mr. PETERS, if you please, Madame," said the late captive, with much +dignity. "Owing to a great spread of Union sentiment in the bosom of +your paternal relative, and his consequent representation in my behalf, +I _am_ here, to blast you with the sight of the innocence you have +betrayed! I slipped up here to confront you, Madame," observed Mr. +PETERS, with some ease of manner, "while the old ones were packing the +silver-plated spoons preparatory to a combined movement on the peaceful +hamlet of Danville." + +"What do you mean, you ridiculous thing?" asked LIBBY, scarcely +believing her own ears. + +"That we must part," returned Mr. PETERS, calmly straightening an angle +in the rim of his hat. "You named an hour for my nocturnal +escape--quarter-past Twelve. I fled the Residence at that unseemly +hour, though another maiden had previously invited me to liberty and +the pursuit of happiness. I went, and walked straight into the arms of +the unsleeping Southern Confederacy, who was inebriated at the time, +and conducted me to the penal pork-packing establishment. Enough! we +part. I go to Danville with you, but only as an ordinary acquaintance +of chilling reserve." + +"Why BOB, what can you mean?" ejaculated _Libby_, to whom this +remarkable speech was not particularly lucid; "it was not my fault that +you were taken. If you had gone at quarter-past Twelve, as I told you, +all would have been well. Oh, BOB, when JOCKO told me next morning that +he had waited for you a whole hour in the hall in vain, and when ma and +I found that you had really gone at the wrong time, I sat right down +and cried my eyes out." + +"The wrong time!" exclaimed Mr. PETERS, striding suddenly toward the +mirror. "Impossible! Observe this repeater of mine, which is a reliable +time-piece. On the night in question, this repeater was plainly before +me, hanging on this gas bracket, before this looking-glass." Here Mr. +PETERS illustrated his assertion by suspending his watch from the +bracket, under which it spun feebly for a moment. "At the very instant +of my waking from a temporary slumber, I caught sight of this same +repeater in the glass, and--why! what's this?" + +In a moment every vestige of resentment had faded from the features of +Mr. BOB PETERS, and he stood staring at the reflection of his watch in +the glass with the look of a man in the last stage of wonder. + +LIBBY timidly drew near and placed a hand on his arm. + +"What's the matter, dear?" + +"What time is it now by the repeater?" asked Mr. PETERS, excitedly, but +without moving his eyes. + +"Why, it's ten minutes past Ten," replied LIBBY, glancing at the face +of the watch as it appeared in the mirror, and wondering what would +come next. + +"Look again!!" thundered Mr. PETERS. + +"Why," repeated LIBBY, half-frightened, "it's ten minutes past Ten." + +Mr. BOB PETERS deliberately took down his watch and pointed +convulsively at its face with one finger. The time was ten minutes _of_ +Ten! + +Mr. PETERS' first act was to clasp the maiden to his bosom and kiss her +unceremoniously. Then releasing her, he took two steps in a popular +break-down and burst into a stentorian peal of laughter. + +"I shall have to call Pa," said poor LIBBY. + +"Not a bit of it!" shouted BOB, ceasing his Terpsichoreanism for a +moment; "don't you see the joke? It's all in the looking-glass, my pet. +When I thought it was a quarter past Twelve and fled the residence, it +was really a quarter _of_ Twelve--don't you see? The looking-glass +_reversed the hands on the watch_!" + +And so it was, _mon ami_. Hold your own time-piece with its face to a +mirror, and you will "see the point." + +But what can excuse that General who, after leading the whole country +to expect that he would take Richmond in time for me to conclude this +picture of Southern life, as I originally planned to do, now changes +his base of operation in a strategic manner, and introduces a fizzle +into romantic literature---- + + * * * * * + +Here Smith-Brown, who happened to be awake, coughed intrusively, my +boy, and says he: + +"The fault is not the General's, my friend. The Secretary of War is +alone to blame for it. He has killed literature." + +How true was that speech, my boy. The Secretary is indeed responsible +for this literary disaster, as well for everything else; and if he ever +undertakes to stand on his own responsibility, he will find plenty of +room to move about. + + Yours, droopingly, + ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + LETTER LV. + + SETTING FORTH A NEW VILLAINY OF THE INSIDIOUS BLACK REPUBLICANS, + AND DESCRIBING THE THRILLING CONSTITUTIONAL BATTLE OF DUCK LAKE. + + + WASHINGTON, D. C., July 12th, 1862. + +Owing to the persistent stupidity of Congress and the +hideously-treasonable machinations of the unscrupulous black +republicans, my boy, the weather still continues very hot; and unless +the thermometer falls very soon, an exhausted populace will demand an +immediate change in the Cabinet. I am very warm, my boy--I am very +warm; and when I reflect upon the agency of the abolitionists, who have +brought this sort of thing about for the express purpose of injuring my +Constitution, I am impelled to ask myself: Did our revolutionary +forefathers indeed expire in vain? O my country! my country! it is very +warm. + +Such weather, my boy, is particularly trying to Sergeant O'Pake's +friend, + + THE IRISH PICKET. + + I'm shtanding in the mud, Biddy, + With not a spalpeen near, + And silence, spaichless as the grave, + Is all the sound I hear. + Me gun is at a showlder arms, + I'm wetted to the bone, + And whin I'm afther shpakin' out, + I find meself alone. + + This Southern climate's quare, Biddy, + A quare and bastely thing, + Wid Winter absint all the year, + And Summer in the Spring. + Ye mind the hot place down below? + And may ye niver fear + I'd dhraw comparisons--but then + It's awful warrum here. + + The only moon I see, Biddy, + Is one shmall star, asthore, + And that's fornint the very cloud + It was behind before; + The watchfires glame along the hill + That's swellin' to the south, + And whin the sentry passes them + I see his oogly mouth. + + It's dead for shlape I am, Biddy, + And dramein shwate I'd be, + If them ould rebels over there + Would only lave me free; + But when I lane against a shtump + And shtrive to get repose, + A musket ball he's comin' shtraight + To hit me spacious nose. + + It's ye I'd like to see, Biddy, + A shparkin' here wid me + And then, avourneen, hear ye say, + "Acushla--Pat--machree!" + "Och, Biddy darlint," then says I, + Says you, "get out of that;" + Says I, "me arrum mates your waist," + Says you, "be daycent, Pat." + + And how's the pigs and ducks, Biddy? + It's them I think of, shure, + That looked so innocent and shwate + Upon the parlor flure; + I'm shure ye're aisy with the pig + That's fat as he can be, + And fade him wid the best, because + I'm towld he looks like me. + + Whin I come home again, Biddy, + A sargent tried and thrue, + It's joost a daycent house I'll build + And rint it chape to you. + We'll have a parlor, bedroom, hall, + A duck-pond nately done, + With kitchen, pig-pen, praty-patch, + And garret--all in one + + But, murther! there's a baste, Biddy, + That's crapin' round a tree, + And well I know the crature's there + To have a shot at me. + Now, Misther Rebel, say yere prayers, + And howld yer dirthy paw, + Here goes!--be jabers, Biddy dear, + I've broke his oogly jaw! + +I was talking some moments ago with a Regimental Surgeon, who has more +patients on a monument than Shakspere ever dreamed about, and says he: +"In consequence of the great number of troops now about this city, all +the oxygen in the atmosphere is exhausted, and we are very warm. Had +all these troops been sent to McClellan two weeks ago," says he, using +his lancet to pick a dead fly out of his tumbler, "we might be able to +keep cool now. There is a terrible responsibility on somebody's +shoulders." + +That's very true, my boy, and it's very warm. + +There was a panic this morning in financial circles, owing to the +frantic conduct of a gambling chap from the Senate, who has been saving +up money to bet on the fall of Richmond, and was trying to put it out +at interest. "I'll take seven per cent. for it the first year," says +he, anxiously, "and leave it standing until national strategy comes to +a head." + +A broker took it for five years, my boy, with the privilege of +extending the time after each fresh victory. + +Speaking of victories, my boy, I was present at the recent series of +triumphs by the Mackerel Brigade, on the left shore of Duck Lake, and +witnessed a succession of feats calculated to culminate either in the +fall of Richmond or the fall of the year. + +From the head-quarters in the city of Paris to the brink of Duck Lake, +the Mackerels were drawn up in gorgeous line of battle, their bayonets +resembling somewhat an uncombed head of steel hair, and their noses +looking like a wavy strip of summer sunset. By their last great +stragetical manoeuvre, they had lured the Southern Confederacy to court +its own destruction by flanking them at both ends of the line, and they +were only waiting for the master-mind to give them the signal. + +Samyule Sa-mith advanced from this place in the staff as I rode up, and +says he: + +"Comrades, the General depends on you to precede him to glory. We had +hoped," says Samyule, feelingly, "to have the company of two French +counts in this day's slaughter; but those two noble Gauls had not time +to wait, as they desired to visit the Great Exhibition in London." + +These remarks were well received, my boy; and when the order was given +for Company 3, Regiment 5, to detour to the left, it would have been +promptly obeyed but for an unforeseen incident. Just as Captain Villiam +Brown was about to break line for the purpose, an aged chap came +dashing down from a First Family country-seat near by, and says he to +the General of the Mackerel Brigade: + +"I demand a guard for my premises immediately. My wife," says he, with +dignity, "has just been making a custard-pie for the sick Confederacies +in the hospital, and as she has just set it out to cool near where my +little boy shot one of your vandals this morning, she is afraid it +might be taken by your thieving mudsills when they came after the body. +I, therefore, demand a guard for my premises, in the name of the +Constitution of our forefathers." + +Here Captain Bob Shorty stepped forward, and says he: + +"What does the Constitution say about custard pie, Mr. Davis?" + +The aged chap spat at him, and says he: + +"I claim protection under that clause which refers to the pursuit of +happiness. Custard pies," says he, reasoningly, "are included in the +pursuit of happiness." + +"That's very true," says the General, looking kindly over his fan at +the venerable petitioner. "Let a guard be detailed to protect this good +old man's premises. We are fighting _for_ the Constitution, not against +it." + +A guard was detailed, my boy, with orders to make no resistance if they +were fired upon occasionally from the windows of the house; and then +Captain Villiam Brown pushed forward with what was left of Company 3, +to engage the Confederacy on the edge of Duck Lake, supported by the +Orange County Howitzers. Headed by the band, who played patriotic airs +as soon as he could shake the crumbs out of his key-bugle, the +cavalcade advanced to the edge of the lake and opened a heavy salute of +round shot and musketry on the atmosphere, whilst Commodore Head kept +up a hot fire at the horizon with his iron-plated fleet and swivel gun. + +Only waiting to finish a game of base ball, in which they had been +engaged, four regiments of Confederacies, at whom this deadly assault +was directed, threw aside their bats and ball dresses, put on their +uniforms, loaded their muskets and batteries, and sent an iron shower +in all directions. Greatly demoralized by this unseemly occurrence, a +file of Mackerels under Sergeant O'Pake immediately threw down their +muskets and knapsacks, emptied their pockets upon the ground, piled +their neckties in a heap, and were making a rapid retrograde movement, +when Villiam suddenly threw himself in their path, and says he: + +"Where are you going to, my fearless eaglets?" + +"Hem!" says the sergeant, with much French in his manner, "we thought +of visiting the Great Exhibition in London." + +"Ah!" says Villiam, understandingly, "you have acquired French in one +easy lesson, and--" + +Here an orderly rode up with an order for the Mackerels to fall back +from the edge of the Lake immediately, leaving their artillery, +bayonets, havelocks, and baggage behind them; and Villiam was obliged +to conduct the movement, which was a part of the strategical scheme of +the General of the Mackerel Brigade. As we retreated back into Paris, +my boy, we were joined by the Conic Section, and shortly after by the +Anatomical Cavalry, both of which had succeeded in leaving all their +accoutrements on the field. + +As we all rushed together before head-quarters in perfect order, and +while the Confederacy was eating some provisions, which we had +refrained from bringing off the late scene of conflict, the General of +the Mackerel Brigade came from under a tree, where he had been tanning +himself, and says he: + +"My children, we have whipped them at all points, and the day is ours." + +"Ah!" says Villiam, abstractedly, "the day is hours." + +"My children," says the General, in continuation, "we have pushed the +enemy to the wall without fracturing the Constitution, and have only +put the war back six months. We can say with pride, my children, that +we belong to the Army of Duck Lake, and shall have no more Bull Runs. +My children, I love you. Accept my blessing." + +We were reflecting upon this soul-stirring speech, my boy, and silently +admiring the strategy which had brought us all together again so soon, +when the sound of drum and fife called our attention to a club of +political chaps who had just arrived by steamer from the Sixth Ward, +and were filing past us to a platform recently erected in the very +centre of Paris. + +"I do believe," says Captain Bob Shorty, whisperingly, "I do believe +we're going to have a mass meeting." + +Onward went the political chaps to the platform. + +A delegation mounted the steps, advanced to the front rails, and +commenced unfurling a vast linen banner. The sun was just setting, my +boy, and as his parting beams fell upon the uplifted faces of the +political chaps, a soft breeze unrolled the standard, and the Mackerels +read upon its folds-- + + REGULAR CONSERVATIVE NOMINATION + FOR + PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES + IN 1865. + THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE. + +Shall it be said, after this, that republics are ungrateful? I think +not, my boy--I think not. We have won a great and glorious victory, and +the only question remaining to be answered is, Who is responsible for +it, my boy--who is responsible for it? + + Yours, in bewilderment, + ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + LETTER LVI. + + WHEREIN ARE PRESENTED SOME FEMININE REFERENCES, AN ANECDOTE BY THE + EXECUTIVE, AND CERTAIN NOTES OF A VISIT TO THE FESTIVE + SHENANDOAH VALLEY. + + + WASHINGTON, D. C., July 19th, 1862. + +Permit me to return thanks through your mail, my boy, for a large +feather fan recently consigned to my address by one of the admiring +Women of America. It looks like a tail freshly plucked from a +large-sized American eagle, and is decorated with a French-plate mirror +in the centre and other French plates around the edges. The +kind-hearted woman of America (who writes from Boston) says in her +presentation note--"I admire to see a fan in the hands of the sterner +sex; for it shows that the same hero-fist that grasps the sword has +enough inherent gentleness to wave the cooling bauble. Such is life. +The hand which falls like a hundred pounds of granite on the flinty eye +of his ke-yuntery's foes has the softness of a blessing when it +caresses the golden head of plastic childhood. + + Yours, gushingly, Zephyrina Percy." + +I find the "cooling bauble" very useful to brush the flies from my +gothic steed Pegasus, my boy, and am a fanatic "to this extent, no +more." + +And here is what another young woman of America says to me in a note: + +"My ma requests me to tell you that you ought to be ashamed of +yourself, you hateful thing, for encouraging the vulgar people to be in +favor of this nasty war, that is causing their superiors so much +trouble, and has driven away the opera, and made enemies of those nice +Southerners, with their beautiful big eyes and elegant swearing. Why +don't you advocate a compromise, or a Habeas Corpus, or some other +paper with names to it, and get Mr. Lincoln to stop the Constitution +and order the war to be ended before there's any more assassinations +and things? My pa was once a leather banker, and sold shoes for +plantation servants, and made a great deal of money by it; but now he's +a captain, or a surveyor, or some ridiculous thing, of the Home Guard, +and may be massacred in cold blood the first time there's a battle in +our neighborhood. My pa has to go to drill every night, and when he +comes home in the morning he's so worn out with exhaustion that I've +known him to lay right down in the hall and shed tears. My ma often +says, that if Beauregard, or Palmerston, or any other foes should +attack our house while pa is in that state, it would kill her dead. And +I know it would make me so nervous that I should be a perfect fright +for a week. My brother, Adolphus, has likewise joined the Home Guard, +and has already had a bloody engagement with a Southerner named Tailor, +who used to sell him clothes when the two sections were at peace. +Adolphus says if it hadn't been for his double-quick, or some +ridiculous military thing or other, he would have been made a prisoner. +It makes me sick to see how much lowness there is about Adolphus since +he joined the ridiculous army; he calls his dinner 'rations,' and +addresses me as 'Corporal Lollypop,' (the absurd thing!) and calls ma's +crinoline a 'counter-scarp.' + +"My pa says that he shall have to sell the carriage and the beautiful +dog-cart if this hateful war don't end by the first of next month; and +when I asked him yesterday if we couldn't have the gothic villa next to +the Jones's at Newport this summer, he actually swore! The Joneses, you +know, are very pleasant, sociable, vulgar sort of people, with a little +money; and it would kill me to see them putting on airs over us because +we didn't happen to take a cottage with bow-windows like them. My pa +says that old Jones has got a contract to make clothes for the +soldiers, and has made a great deal of money by manufacturing coats and +other ridiculous things out of blue paper instead of cloth. Augustus +Jones says if he don't meet me at Newport this summer he will enlist as +soon as he comes back; and it would be just like the absurd creature to +do it. I don't see why pa can't get out an indictment or something +against the blockade, and call on the postmaster or some other +ridiculous thing to send his new stock of plantation shoes to Alabama +under a guard, and bring back the money. I don't see the use of living +in a republic if one can't do that much. My ma says that you newspaper +people could stop the dreadful war if you would only advocate +compromises and things, and not be so ridiculous. Why can't you leave +out some of those absurd advertisements, and publish an article telling +Mr. Lincoln that the war is ruining society? If it continues much +longer, I shall have to wear my last year's bonnet a whole month, and +I'd rather die. Do say something absurd, you ridiculous thing." + +Have the war stopped right away, my boy,--have the war stopped right +away. + +Matters and things here are still in a strategic condition, and naught +has disturbed our monotony, for a week, save a story they tell about +the Honest Old Abe. It seems that two of the conservative Border State +chaps, who are here for the express purpose of protesting against +everything whatever, had a discussion about the Honest Abe, and one +chap bet the other chap five dollars that he couldn't, by any possible +means, speak to the President without hearing a small anecdote. + +"Done!" says the other chap, gleefully, "I'll take the bet." + +That very same night, at about twelve o'clock, he tore frantically up +to the White House, and commenced thundering at the door like King +Richard at the gates of Ascalon. The Honest Abe stuck his night-capped +head out of the window, and says he: + +"Is that you, Mr. Seward?" + +"No, sir," says the Border State chap, glaring up through the darkness. +"I'm a messenger from the army. Another great strategic movement has +taken place, and our whole army have been taken prisoners by the +Southern Confederacy. In fact," says the conservative chap, +frantically, "the backbone of the rebellion is broken AGAIN." + +"Hem!" says the Honest Abe, shaking a musquito from his nightcap, "this +strategy reminds me of a little story. There was a man, out in Iowa, +sat down to play a game of checkers with another man, inducing his +friends around him to lend him the change necessary for stakes. He +played and he played, and he lost the first game. Then he played much +more cautiously, and lost the next game. His friends commenced to +grumble; but, says he: 'Don't you worry yourselves, boys, and I'll show +you a cute move pretty soon.' So he played, and he played, and he lost +the third game. 'Don't be impatient, boys,' says he; 'you'll see that +great move pretty soon, I tell you.' Then he played with great care, +taking a long time to consider every move, and, by way of change, lost +the fourth game. Close attention to what he was about, and much minute +calculation, also enabled him to lose the fifth game. By this time his +friends had lent him all their change, and began to think it was time +for that great move of his to come off. 'Have you any more change?' +says he. 'Why, no,' says they. 'Then,' says he, with great spirit, 'the +time for that move I was telling you about has come at last.' As he +commenced to rise from his chair, instead of continuing to play, his +cleaned-out friends bethought themselves to ask him what that famous +move was? 'Why,' says he, pleasantly, 'it's to move off for a little +more change.'" + +At the conclusion of this quaint tale, my boy, the Border State chap +fled groaning to his quarters at Willard's, stuck a five-dollar +Treasury Note under the pillow of the other Border State chap, and +immediately took the evening train for the West. + +Such is the story they tell, my boy; but I'm inclined to accept it +merely as a work of fiction, with a truthful moral. Certain it is, that +as strategy increases, small change grows scarcer, and it is the +general opinion that no small change is needed in military matters. + +In company with a patriotic democratic chap, who had come up from New +York, for the express purpose of seeing that the negroes of the +Southern Confederacy were not permitted to inform our forces of the +movements of the enemy in contravention of the Constitution, I made a +reconnoissance in force, on Monday, to the festive Shenandoah Valley. +On our way thither, the democratic chap was greatly bitten by +musquitos, for which he justly blamed the black republicans, who are +trying to break up this Government, and on our arrival near Winchester, +we stumbled upon a phlegmatic fellow-man in a swallow-tailed coat and +green spectacles, who was seated on a stone by the roadside, reading +the "Impending Crisis." The democratic chap passed on, swearing, to the +nearest camp; but I paused before this interesting student. + +"Well, old swallow-tails," says I, affably, "what are you doing in this +section?" + +He looked up at me with great severity of countenance, and says he: "I +have come here, young man, to agitate the Negro Question; to open +African schools; and, peradventure, to start a water cure +establishment." + +"What for?" says I. + +"For the love of my species," says he, eagerly, "and for any little +contract in the way of red breeches and spelling books that may be +required for the reclaimed contrabands?" + +Was this a case of purely disinterested philanthropy? Perhaps so, my +boy, perhaps so; but the old swallow-tails reminded of a chap I once +knew in the Sixth Ward. He was a high toned moral chap of much +shirt-collar, with a voice that sounded like a mosquito in the bottom +of a fish-horn, and a chin like a creased apple-dumpling. Years before +he had married a Southern crinoline and talked about the glories of +slavery in a polished and high-moral way; but as there happened just +then to be a chance for him to run for alderman on the abolition +ticket, he experienced a change of heart, and addressed a meeting on +the evils of human bondage: "My friends," says he, patting his stomach +in a heartfelt manner, "I once lived at the South and owned slaves; but +never could I feel that it was right. My pastor would say to me: 'These +men-slaves are black, you say; but have they not the same feelings with +you, the same features--only handsomer?' I felt this to be so, my +friends; I commenced to appreciate the enormity of holding human souls +in bondage." + +Here a susceptible venerable maiden in the audience became so +overpowered by her emotions, that she placed her head in the lap of a +respectable single gentleman, and fainted away. + +"My friends," continued the high-toned moral chap, "I could not bear +the stings of conscience; my nights were sleepless, but I slept during +the day. There was I, pretending to be a Christian, yet holding men and +women as chattels! Heavens himself was outraged by it, and I resolved +to make a sacrifice for the sake of principle--to cease to be a +slaveholder! I called my slaves together: I addressed them paternally +and piously, and then I--(here the great, scalding tears rolled down +the cheeks of the orator, and the audience sobbed horribly)--I bade +them be good boys and girls, and then I--SOLD EVERY ONE OF THEM!" + + * * * * * + +There was a movement of the audience toward the door. Men and women +went out silently from the place, exchanging covert glances of +smothered agitation with each other. Only one person remained with the +orator. It was an old file with a blue umbrella, who had occupied a +back seat and paid breathless attention to all the performances. After +the others had left the hall, he walked deliberately from his seat to +where the high-toned moral chap was still standing, and gazed into the +face of the latter with an expression of unmitigated wonder. He then +walked twice around him; having done which he confronted him again, +thumped the ferule of his umbrella on the floor, and says he: "Well!" +The old file paused an instant, and then says he: "well, I'll be dam," +and waddled precipitately from the place. + +I've often thought of it since then, my boy; and I've always wondered +why it was that the solitary old file with the blue umbrella should say +that he be dam. + +To return to Western Virginia; I found, upon my arrival in one of the +camps near Winchester, that the patriotic democratic chap was making +arrangements to divide the army there into Wards, instead of regiments, +in order, as he said, that the returns might come in systematically. + +"For instance," says he, "suppose that in the skirmish with the +Confederacy which is going on just ahead of us, we should lose--say +seventy-five votes; how much easier it would be to say; the 'Fourth +Ward shows a decrease since last year of seventy-five Republicans', +than to say that such a regiment, of such a brigade, of such a +division, has lost so and so?" + +I was reflecting upon this novel and admirable way of putting it, my +boy, when an orderly came tearing in, with a report of the skirmishing +going on. + +"Ha!" says the patriotic chap to him; "how does the canvas proceed?" + +"Well," says the orderly, breathlessly, "Banks' outpost has lost twenty +votes in the Tenth Ward by desertions, and has thirty double-votes +wounded; but I think Banks can still keep neck-and-neck with McDowell." + +"You do, hey?" says the patriotic chap, in great excitement. "Then +McDowell must not lend Banks a single vote. Tell him to keep his Ward +Committees under cover until Banks gets through with his canvas; for if +he takes part in that, and the election results in a victory over the +Confederacy, Banks will get all the credit of it, and win the card in +the next Nominating Convention." + +So McDowell's votes didn't re-enforce Banks in the skirmish, my boy, +and Banks lost much popularity by being worsted, by the Confederacy. + +As soon as the firing had ceased, I went out to meet some of the +returning Wards, and came plump upon the swallow-tail chap, who was +agitating the negro question in a corner of the late battle-field, +surrounded by fugitive contrabands. + +"Friend of the human race," says I, "how now?" + +"Young man," says he, hastily tying a red silk pocket-handkerchief +about his head, "I am teaching these oppressed beings to spell, having +extemporized a college on the very scene of their recent emancipation." + +"How far have the collegians progressed?" says I. + +"They have got," says he, "to their a-b, abs. Thus; a-b, ab; o-abo; l-i +li, aboli; t-i-o-n shun--abolition." + +Shameful to relate, my boy, the swallow-tailed chap had no sooner said +this, than a cavalry ward came charging helter-skelter, right through +the college, tumbling the faculty into the mud, and bruising several +sophomore graduates. Simultaneously, the patriotic democratic chap +appeared on the scene, and insisted upon it that the contrabands should +be immediately returned to the Southern Confederacy, as this is a white +man's war. "Otherwise," says he, cholerically, "future reconciliation +and reconstruction will be impossible." + +Fearful that I should become confused a little if I remained there any +longer, my boy, I at once retired from the place, in company with two +sick votes, who were going home on furlough, and reached this city +again in good order. + +Almost the first fellow-being I met on my return was a seedy and +earnest chap from New York, who was worth about a quarter in ready +money, and had come to Washington post-haste to pledge the Empire +State's last dollar, and last drop of blood for the vigorous +prosecution of the war. + +"See here, my self-denying Brutus," says I, as we took Richmond +together at the bar, "who commissioned you to pledge so much as all +that?" + +"To tell the truth," says the seedy chap, confidentially, "it's all +I've got left to pledge. I pledged my pinchbeck chronometer for three +dollars," says he, sadly, "just before I left New York; and I'm trying +this pledge on speculation." + +I have sometimes feared, my boy, that our Uncle Samuel's concern is +turning into a pawnbroking establishment on a large scale, where they +make advances on everything tangible and intangible, except Richmond, +my boy--except Richmond. + + Yours, with a presentiment, + ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + LETTER LVII. + + SUGGESTING MENTAL RELAXATION FOR A TIME, AND INTRODUCING A FAMILIAR + SKETCH OF THE WAR-STRICKEN DRAMA IN THE RURAL DISTRICTS. + + + WASHINGTON, D. C., July 23d, 1862. + +Yesterday morning, my boy, I refreshed myself by a lounge across Long +Bridge to the fields about Arlington Heights, where blooming Nature +still has verdant spots untrampled by the iron heel of strategic war. + +How pleasant is it, my boy, to escape occasionally from the society of +Congressmen and brigadiers, and take a lazy sprawl in the fragrant +fields. It is the philosopher's way of enjoying Summer's + + DOLCE FAR NIENTE. + +I. + + Still as a fly in amber, hangs the world + In a transparent sphere of golden hours, + With not enough of life in all the air + To stir the shadows or to move the flowers; + And in the halo broods the angel Sleep, + Wooed from the bosom of the midnight deep + By her sweet sister Silence, wed to Noon. + +II. + + Held in a soft suspense of summer light, + The generous fields with all their bloom of wealth + Bask in a dream of Plenty for the years, + And breathe the languor of untroubled Health. + Without a ripple stands the yellow wheat, + Like the Broad Seal of God upon the sheet + Where Labor's signature appeareth soon. + +III. + + As printed staves of thankful Nature's hymn, + The fence of rails a soothing grace devotes, + With clinging vines for bass and treble cleffs + And wrens and robins here and there for notes; + Spread out in bars, at equal distance met, + As though the whole bright summer scene were set + To the unuttered melody of Rest! + +IV. + + Along the hill in light voluptuous wrapt + The daisy droops amid the staring grass, + And on the plain the rose and lily wait + For Flora's whispers, that no longer pass; + While in the shade the violet of blue + Finds in the stillness reigning nature through, + That which her gentle modesty loves best. + +V. + + The mill-wheel motionless o'ershades the pool, + In whose frail crystal cups its circle dips; + The stream, slow curling, wanders in the sun + And drains his kisses with its silver lips; + The birch canoe upon its shadow lies, + The pike's last bubble on the water dies, + The water lily sleeps upon her glass. + +VI. + + Here let me linger, in that waking sleep + Whose dreams are all untinged with haunting dread + Of Morning's finger on the eyelids pressed, + To rouse the soul and leave the vision dead. + And while deep sunk in this soft ecstasy + I count the pulse of Heaven dreamily, + Let all life's bitterness behind me pass! + +VII. + + How still each leaf of my oak canopy, + That holds a forest syllable at heart, + Yet cannot stir enough in all its veins + To give the murmured woodland sentence start! + So still--so still all nature far and near, + As though the world had checked its breath to hear + An angel's message from the distant skies! + +VIII. + + This one last glance at earth--one, only one-- + To see, as through a vail, the gentle face + Bent o'er me softly, with the timid love + That half distrusts the sleep which gives it grace. + The thought that bids mine eyelids half unclose + Fades to a dream, and out from Summer goes, + In the brown Autumn of her drooping eyes. + +Thus irregular in rhythm and vagrant in measure, my boy, are the +half-sleeping thoughts of a summer noon in Virginia; and it was fully +an hour before I could summon enough strength of mind to peruse a +letter recently consigned to me by a rustic chap in my native village. + +This chap describes to me what he calls the "Downfall of the Dramy," +and says he: + +The Dramy is a article for which I have great taste, and which I prefer +to prayer-meeting as a regular thing. Since the time I wore breeches +intended to facilitate frequent spankings, I have looked upon +theatrical artiks with a speeshees of excitement not to be egspressed. +I was once paying teller to a barber artik who shaved a great +theatrical artik, and although the theatrical artik never could pay for +his shaving until he drew his celery, he always frowned so splendidly +when he turned down his collar, and said: "What ho! there Figaro," that +my infant mind yearned to ask him for a few tickets to the show. + +This great respek for the dramy has grown with my hair, and since this +high old war has desolated the dramy, my buzzom has been nothing else +but a wilderness of pangs. The other evening, my fren--which is +courting a six story house with a woman in the title deed--called at my +shattoe, and proposed that we should wander amid the ruins of the +dramy. "It's rejooced to a skellington," says he, quite mournful, "and +its _E pluribus Onion_ is gone down into the hocean wave." As my friend +used this strong egspression, he tried to wink at me, but didn't get +farther than a hik-cup. Arm in-arm, like two Siamese-twins in rejooced +circumstances, we walked in speechless silence to what was formerly the +entrance half of a theatre in the pallermy days of the dramy. It was +like the entrance to the great desert of Sary, and as we groped our way +through the grass to the ticket office, I observed six wild geese and a +raccoon in a jungle that was a umberella stand in the pallermy days. +The treasurer was entirely covered with cobwebs, which had been +accumulating since the day he last saw speshee, and when he at last +tore himself out, the sight of the quarter which I handed in sent him +into immediate convulsions. + +"Excuse me," says he, "if I weep over this preshus coin; but the force +of old associations is too much for this affectionate heart." + +He then sent a fly-blown little boy for a tumbler of brandy, and was +weeping into it copious when we emerged from his presence. Upon +entering the shattered temple of the dramy, we found a vetrun of 1812, +which the manager had hired to keep company with the man what lit the +gas, that artik having declared that if he was kept in solitude any +longer he should shoot himself from sheer melancholy. It was the +vetrun's business to keep moving from seat to seat until the +performance was over, so that the artful cuss of a manager could say +"every seat was okipied" in the next morning's newspaper. When the +manager, who was representing the orkestra with a comb wrapt in paper, +saw me and my fren, he paused in the middle of his overture, and said +we should have a private box, but that the families of his principal +artiks were keepin' house in the private boxes, and was rayther crowded +for room. Seeing me put my hand in my pocket, he said, tearful: + +"Tellum me, I conjure ye, are there any such things as quarters in the +round world? It is now six months since I last mingled with the world, +and I really forget how many make a dollar." + +Touched to the quick by his plaintiff tone, I drew forth a quarter, and +held it before his anguished vision. Never shall I forget how his eyes +was sot on that ravishing coin. + +"Can it indeed be real?" says he, "or is it but a quarter of the mind?" + +I was afeard he might come the "let me clutch thee" dodge if I inflamed +his imagination any longer; so I put it back into my pocket, and +axidently revealed the handle of my revolver. + +When my fren had cut the damp grass away from one of the orchestra +seats with his jack-knife, we sat down and put up an umbrella to keep +off the dew. Being a little nervous, I asked the manager if there was +any snakes about; and he said he see a couple in the parroquet last +night, but didn't think they had got down to the orkestra yet. The +vetrun, which was the audience, stoppd chasing a bull-frog in the +vestibule when the manager struck up "Days of Abstinence" on his comb, +and immediately took his seat on chair No. 1, with which he always +commenced. The curting was then unpinned, and disclosed a scene in a +lumber-yard, with a heavy mortgage on it. The Count de Mahoginy is +discovered in the ak of leaving his young wife, who is seated on a pile +of shavings, for the purpose of obtaining immediate relief from the +Union Defence Committee. The vetrun received him with great applause, +and moved from seat to seat as though he was in a hurry to reach the +gallery. When the artik spoke, there was so much empty stomik in his +tones, that my fren said he seemed like a bean from another world. My +fren is a spiritualist. The artik then went off at the left entrance, +and immediately returned in the character of his own uncle, which had +come home from California with two millions of dollars, and wished to +give it to his affectionate nephew and niece. He found his niece in the +lumber-yard, and having heard her sad story, divulged his intention to +her and she immediately danced a Spanish _par_ (which is French), and +sung four songs in honor of the sixty-ninth regiment. Then the uncle +danced a hornpipe, which he learned on the hocean; and so they kept +agoin till about nine o'clock, when the countess said she heard her +husband coming. The uncle was so taken aback by this, that he +immediately made himself into a tableau representing the last charge of +the Fire Zouaves at Bull Run: and as the comb struck up "I'm a loan, +all a loan," the curtain was pinned up again. Just as the performance +ended, the manager explained that he could only aford to keep two +artiks--a male and female, and _they_ only stayed because he had a +mortgage on their wardrobes for over-drawed celery. "I'll light you to +the door," says he, taking up one of the foot-lights, which was a +turnip with a candle in it; "and I hope you'll come again when we +projooce our new play. It's called 'The gas man's last charge,' and +introjoces a real gas-meter and the sheriff." + +My fren and I made no reply, but walked sadly from the ruins with tears +in our eyes. + +The regular Drama, my boy, cannot hope to succeed, while the war which +now monopolizes all attention is believed by some critics to be a +regular farce. + + Yours, tragically, + ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + LETTER LVIII. + + SHOWING HOW THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE ISSUED AN AFFECTING + GENERAL ORDER; EXEMPLIFYING THE BEAUTIES OF A SPADE-CAMPAIGN AS + EXHIBITED IN STRATEGY HALL, AND CELEBRATING A NOTABLE CASE OF + NAVAL STRATEGY. + + + WASHINGTON, D. C., July 26th, 1862. + +The high-minded and chivalrous Confederacy having refused to consider +itself worsted in our recent great strategic victory near Paris, my +boy, it only remained for the General of the Mackerel Brigade to +commence undermining the Confederacy, after the manner of a civil +engineer; and when last I visited the lines, I found a select +assortment of Mackerels engaged in the balmy summer pastime of digging +holes, and dying natural deaths in them. + +There was one chap with an illuminated nose, who attracted my +particular attention by landing a spade-full of sacred soil very neatly +in my bosom, and says I to him: + +"Well, my gallant sexton, how do the obsequies progress?" + +"Beautiful," says he, pausing long enough to take a powder which the +surgeon had left with him. "We've just struck a large vein of typhoid +fever, and them air Peninsula veterans, which, you see in them holes +yonder, are already delirious with it. Really," says the chap, with an +air of quiet enjoyment, as he climbed into the hospital litter, just +sent after him--"really, there's a smart chance of pushing on our +cemetery to Richmond before the roads become impassable again." + +I was looking after him, as the bearers carried him off, my boy, when I +saw Captain Villiam Brown ambling leisurely toward me on his +geometrical steed, Euclid, alternately perusing a paper which he held +in his right hand, and discussing a canteen in his left. The +countenance of the warrior was thoughtful, and his shovel swung +listlessly against the charger's flank. + +"How now, my Jack of Spades?" says I, sportively. + +"Ah!" says Villiam, slowly descending from the roof of his stallion, +and suffering the latter to lean against a tree, "here is a new +Proclamation for the moral refreshment of the United States of America. +Read this impartial edick," says Villiam impressively, "and you will +find it worthy of the Union Track Society." + +I took the official parchment, my boy, and found inscribed upon it the +following affecting + + GENERAL ORDER. + +Whereas, the United States of America now finds himself engaged in an +unnatural struggle with the celebrated Southern Confederacy, for the +Union which our forefathers planted; and it being our object to show +the world that our intentions are honorable; it is hereby ordered, that +the Mackerel Brigade do take possession of all guns, pistols, and +howitzers previously fired at them by persons now in arms against this +government, keeping strict account of said weapons, in order that their +owners may be duly and amicably paid for them hereafter. It is further +ordered that persons of Mackerel descent, occupying the cultivated +grounds of the aforesaid Southern Confederacy, shall keep strict +account of the time spent upon the same, in order that reasonable rent +may be paid for the same as soon as the United States of America shall +resume specie payment. + + By order of + THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE. + GREEN SEAL, } + VINTAGE OF 1776.} + +Having perused this document with much attention, I handed it back to +Villiam, and says I: + +"In purity of moral tone, my hero, that paper is worthy the descendant +of 1776." + +"1776!" says Villiam, reflectively. "Ah!" says Villiam, "it takes +strategy to revive recollections of those days. We have at least +seventeen hundred and seventy sick ones in our new hospital already. +Come with me," says Villiam, genially, "and we will survey the interior +aspeck of Strategy Hall." + +Strategy Hall, my boy, is a fine airy hospital extemporized from a +barn, on the estate of a prominent Southern Union man, now commanding a +regiment of Confederacies. The house itself would have been taken, as +it had somewhat more roof than the barn, and a little more shade; but +when the General of the Mackerel Brigade learned that Washington had +once thought of taking a second mortgage on it, he gave orders that no +Mackerel should go within half a mile of the front door. + +On entering Strategy Hall, I beheld a scene calculated to elevate +sickness into a virtue, and shed immortal lustre upon the kind-hearted +women of America. Comfortably stretched upon rails taken from +Confederate fences, and of which a strict account had been kept, with a +view to future compensation, were a whole section of the Mackerel +Brigade, in the full enjoyment of strategic health. Over each chap's +head hung his shovel, and a shingle inscribed with his name and +address. Thus, the shingle nearest me read: "Spoony Bill, Hose Company +123, New York Fire Department." + +And woman--lovely woman! was there, administering hot drinks to the +fevered head, bathing with ice-water the brow of those shivering with +the cruel ague, pouring rich gruel over the chin and neck of the +nervous sufferer, and reading good books to the raving and delirious. +It was with a species of holy awe that I beheld one of those human +angels stand a hot coffee-pot upon the upturned face of one invalid, +while she hastily flew to fill the right ear of a more urgent sufferer +with cologne-water. And then to see her softly place one of the +portable furnaces upon a very sick Mackerel's stomach, while she warmed +the water with which his beloved head was presently to be shaved; and +to see her bending over to ask one of the more dangerously ill ones if +he would not like a nice fat piece of fresh pork, while the other end +of her crinoline was scraping the head of the Mackerel on the opposite +rail. + + "O woman! in our hours of ease, + Uncertain, coy, and hard to please, + And variable as the shade + By the light, quivering aspen made; + When pain and anguish wring the brow + A ministering angel thou." + +I could have remained here all day, my boy; for I found the berries, +ice-cream, and liquors, prepared for the patients, really excellent; +but Villiam hinted to me that a splendid piece of naval strategy was +just about to come off on Duck Lake, and I desired to witness our +national triumph on the ocean wave. + +Having quitted Strategy Hall, I repaired to the shore of Duck Lake, +where numerous Mackerels were already watching Commodore Head's fleet +as it lay waiting for an expected rebel ram on the treacherous element. +It appeared that a lurking Confederacy in Paris had waited until the +Mackerels were all in their holes one day, and then hastily constructed +an iron-plated ram from an old dry-goods box and two cooking stoves. +With this formidable monster, he designed offering irregular opposition +to the Government in the way of killing a few vandal regiments, after +which he proposed to repair to the Confederate side of Duck Lake, and +send the particulars of his victory to Europe through some of the more +vigilantly blockaded Southern ports. He had completed his ram, my boy, +and hidden it under some hay on the Lake shore, ready to commence his +carnage when the time came; but one of the Mackerels happened to see it +when he went fishing, and Commodore Head was at once ordered to have +his iron-plated squadron in readiness to intercept and destroy the +monster when she should appear. + +"Riddle my turret!" says the Commodore, in his marine manner, as he +sighted his swivel gun and placed his fishing-rod and box of bait near +his stool on the quarter-deck, "I feel like grappling with half-a-dozen +rams of chivalry--loosen my plates! if I don't." + +And there we stood on that hot July afternoon, watching the noble craft +as she sat like a duck on the water, the Mackerel crew sitting aft +picking a marrow-bone, and the venerable Commodore tilted back on his +stool upon the quarter-deck, fishing for bass. + +Presently we could see the treacherous Confederacy stealing down to +where his iron-plated monster lay hidden. Softly he removed the +covering of hay, and cautiously did he place the ram in the water, +carefully examining the priming of the old-fashioned blunderbuss he +carried under his arm, as he stepped into this new Merrimac, and +quietly raising his umbrella with one hand, while he paddled off with +the other. + +The distance between our fleet and the spectator being fully two yards, +Villiam had thoughtfully provided bits of smoked glass for our party, +and we now brought them to bear upon the scene of approaching +slaughter. The Mackerel crew on board our squadron appeared to be +wholly absorbed in the pleasing experiment of following, with a straw, +the motions of a fly whose wings he had just pulled off, and Commodore +Head had fallen into a refreshing slumber in the midst of his fishing. +In fact, no means had been left unemployed to guard against a surprise. + +Now, it happened that the nautical Confederacy did his paddling with +his back to the bow of his iron-plated monster, and before he knew it, +his ram went smack against the Mackerel fleet, with a sound like the +smashing of many dinner-plates. So tremendous was the shock, that the +stool upon which Commodore Head was tilted, gave way beneath his +weight, and he came down upon the deck with a crash like muffled +thunder. Simultaneously, the Confederacy discharged his blunderbuss two +points to windward, and would have followed up his advantage by +boarding at once; but by this time the Mackerel crew had recovered his +presence of mind, and poured such a shower upon the intruder from a +watering-pot which he found in the stern-sheets, that the latter +retreated in great disorder. + +Meanwhile, our gallant old naval hero had regained his feet, and having +carefully put away his fishing tackle and box of bait, he made his +appearance on the starboard, with his spy-glass under one arm, his +speaking trumpet under the other, and his log-book between his teeth. + +No sooner did the now thoroughly exasperated Confederacy behold his +venerable figure, than he hastily shut up his umbrella and violently +cracked him over the head with it, knocking off his spectacles, and +greatly damaging his new white hat. + +"Batter my armor!" thundered the commodore, picking up his spectacles +and bending them straight again. "I don't want you to do that again." + +"Scorpion!" roared the Confederacy, dropping his umbrella, and dancing +up and down in his ram, with his arms in a boxing attitude. "Come on, +base old being!" + +"Then take thy doom," shrieked the maddened commodore, quickly striking +a match on the bottom of one of his boots, and touching off the swivel +gun. With a report like the explosion of a deadly pistol, the trusty +weapon hurled its contents about two inches above the head of the +Mackerel crew, wildly tearing off the cap of the latter, and shaking +the staunch craft from stem to stern. + +Somewhat alarmed by this demonstration, the Confederacy commenced +shoving off with his ram, using his blunderbuss and umbrella as oars, +and singing the Southern Marseillaise. + +"Out with the sculls and give chase!" ejaculated Commodore Head, in a +great perspiration. It was found, upon examination, that the sculls had +been left on shore, and it was further discovered that the Mackerel +fleet was aground; otherwise our victory would have been more complete. + +With eyes strained to the utmost we were gazing upon all this from the +beach, when Villiam suddenly placed a hand upon my arm, and says he: +"Hark!" + +We listened. There was a sound as of a faint human cry. It approached +nearer. We could distinguish words. Nearer and nearer. The words now +came clear and distinct to our quickened ears. + +"Extry a-Her-rr-rr-ald, capture of Vicksburg and sinking of the rebel +ram by Commore Head!" + +Since newspapers have become so plentiful in this once distracted +country, my boy, that even the babe shews them upon its mother's lap, +the poorest man is enabled to see instantaneously, through a glass as +it were, the most distant events--a glass, my boy, which makes things +appear much larger at a distance than they seem to those close by. + + Yours, admiringly, + ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + LETTER LIX. + + INSTANCING THE BENEFICENT DEPORTMENT OF THE VENERABLE GAMMON, AND + NOTING THE PERFORMANCE OF A REMARKABLE MORAL DRAMA BY CAPTAIN + VILLIAM BROWN. + + + WASHINGTON, D. C., August 2d, 1862. + +Some enthusiasm was excited here in the early part of the week, my boy, +by the return of the Venerable Gammon from a visit to his aged family +at Mugville, whither he goes regularly once a month for the benefit of +the sagacious chaps of the press. A great blessing is the Venerable +Gammon to the palladium of our liberties, my boy; for no sooner does +our army cease to change its base of operations, and do other things +calculated to make the war interesting and lengthy, than he pulls out +his ruffles, sighs frequently, and melts away to Mugville. Then all the +sagacious press chaps rush to the telegraph office and flash feverish +paragraphs to the intelligent morning journals: "Highly +important--Sudden departure of the Venerable Gammon for Mugville to +attend the death-bed of a relative--Believed in military circles that +this indicates a change in the Cabinet--Border States delegation has +again waited on the President--More vigorous policy needed." + +Whereupon the editors of all the intelligent morning journals +ecstatically print the paragraphs, affixing to them: "_Note by the +Editor._--Washington is a town in the so called District of +Columbia--situated on the Potomac. We infer from our correspondent's +dispatch that it has not yet been taken by the rebels." + +American journalism, my boy, in presenting a vast amount of matter +daily, is eminently calculated to impress the youthful brain with a +keen sense of what a wide distinction there is between Mind and Matter. + +Immediately on the return of the Venerable Gammon, he commenced saying +things, which made all the rest of mankind seem like withered children +in comparison with him. He was beaming genially on the throng at +Willard's, and says I to him: + +"It would appear, my beloved _Pater Patria_, that military matters are +not quite as interesting as a woman with a headache just now." + +The Venerable Gammon pitied my youth, and waved his hand fatly by way +of a silent blessing to all the world. "Military affairs," says he, +effulgently, "are like metaphysics. Military affairs," says the +Venerable Gammon, benignantly, "are like that which we do not +understand--they defy our comprehension and comprehend our defiance." + +Then all the Congressmen looked at each other, as much as to say the +Union was saved at last; and I felt like a babe in the presence of the +great Behemoth of the Scriptures. + +How the Venerable Gammon has anything at all to do with this war, I +can't find out, my boy, but when the affectionate populace learned that +the Venerable Gammon had returned from Mugville, they swarmed around +his carriage, and entreated him either to spit upon them, or save them +from slow decay by a speech. It was then the Venerable man raised his +hand in soothing benediction, and says he: + +"My friends, you are young yet, and have much to learn concerning war. +I can only say to you, my friends, that all goes well with McClellan; +and, if you will only hasten to fill up old regiments, raise a few +thousand new ones, and go yourselves, the advance upon Richmond may +commence at any time." + +The most enthusiastic cheering followed this comforting speech of the +Venerable Gammon, and six ecstatic chaps immediately offered to +volunteer as major-generals. + +Shall we presume to talk of drafting, my boy, when there is such +readiness on the part of the people to lead the troops? I think not, my +boy, I think not. Let the draft be protested. + +On Wednesday I again took a trip to Paris, accompanied by my frescoed +dog, Bologna, and found upon reaching that city that the Mackerel +Brigade had built itself a theatre, after the manner of Drury Lane, and +was about to partake of the rich intellectual drama. This chaste temple +might possibly be taken for a cowshed, my boy, by those who are not +conversant with architecture in one story. It occupies a spot which has +been rising ground ever since the Mackerels commenced to dig trenches +around it, and the front door is so spacious that you have to go all +around the building to find where it stops opening. The seats are +similar to those which are supposed to have been so popular with the +Count de Grasse and the stage is exquisitely extemporized from several +flour-barrels, with a curtain created from the flannel petticoats +recently belonging to the wife of the Southern Confederacy. + +Passing over all intervening events, my boy, let me direct your special +attention to the night we celebrated, when I found myself occupying a +box (previously used for crackers) in the temple of the Muses, +surrounded by uniforms and dazzled by the glitter of the shovels worn +by the military celebrities present. In a box (marked "Sperm +Candles--First quality") on my right, I noticed a number of +distinguished persons whom I did not know, and to the left were grouped +several celebrated visitors with whom I was not acquainted. The stage +itself realized numerous brilliant footlights in the way of bottles +containing gorgeous tallow-dips; and when the orchestra brought out his +key-bugle and struck up the martial strain of "I want to be an Angel," +there _was_ a dry eye in the house. + +(Make a note of this last unparalleled fact, my boy; for you, nor any +other mortal man, ever heard of its occurrence before.) + +The curtain having been taken down by a gentleman who had forgotten to +wash himself when the washstand went round last time, the play +commenced; and I found it to be + + THE UNION AS IT WAS. + + A HIGH MORAL DRAMA, IN ONE ACK. + + BY CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN, ESKEVIRE. + +The plot of this admirable work is very simple, my boy, and appeals to +those sentiments of the human heart which affect the liver. The scene +is laid in Washington, where it has been frequently seen, and the drama +opens with a fine + + CONSERVATIVE CHORUS. + + Abram, spare the South, + Touch not a single slave: + Nor e'en by word of mouth, + Disturb the thing we crave. + 'Twas our forefather's hand + That Slavery begot; + There, Abram, let it stand + Thine Acts shall harm it not. + +At the conclusion of this spirited National Anthem, the Border States +chaps who have been singing it are invited to have another interview +with the President, who has only seen them twice the same morning. As +they pass out, the celebrated Miss Columbia appears, wrapt in deep +thought and the American flag, and reading the twenty-third +proclamation for the current month. She asks her heart if she is indeed +divorced--if her once happy Union is indeed broken; and as her heart +refuses to answer any such common question, a doubt is allowed to +remain in the bosom of the spectator. In deep agony she kneels at the +monument of Washington and softly sings "Hail Columbia," while the +Southern Confederacy, who has just arrived, proceeds to plant batteries +all round her, assisted in the work by reliable contrabands. After some +moments spent in prayer for the repose of Secretary Welles, Columbia +discovered her surroundings, and is about to make a faint, when the +spirit of Napoleon appears, and tells her she has nothing to fear, as +he is about to change his base of operations, and take Richmond. He +tells her he would have taken it long before but for the Tribune. This +is a very fine scene--very fine. The spirit of Napoleon then proceeds +to pick up everything he can find and throw it over to the Southern +Confederacy, at the same time swinging himself around so that his left +fist may be presented to the enemy instead of his right, only pausing +long enough to drive back a reliable contraband who has started to +desert to him. Matters are progressing admirably, and the Confederacy +has only planted 24 more batteries around Columbia, when the +Conservative Chorus comes tearing back to the scene, with the news that +the President has determined to pay for all runaway slaves in +postage-stamps! This splendid stroke of policy so completely staggers +the Confederacy, that he only erects thirty-two more batteries, and +acknowledges that his back-bone is broken: Strange to say, Columbia +still labors under the delusion that she is in danger; but is finally +re-assured by the spirit of Napoleon, who convinces her that all is +going well, and at once draws his shovel and commences to dig a hole. +Columbia asks: "Wherefore this digging?" To which the response is: + + "Our Union in its broken state + Is discord to the soul: + And therefore are we digging here + To make the Union hole." + +The digging proceeds until the spirit of Napoleon is sunk deep into the +earth, when the Southern Confederacy deliberately steps over the hole +and captures Washington, at the same time ordering Columbia to black +his boots. Columbia would be utterly bereft of hope at this turn in +affairs but for the cheerful conduct of the Conservative Chorus, who +bid her rejoice that the good old times have come again. Columbia then +remembers that she did indeed black the boots of the Confederacy in the +good old times, and it suddenly flashes upon her that the Union is, in +truth, restored--AS IT WAS. A brilliant blue light is thrown upon the +scene, and as the curtain falls the Conservative Chorus are seen in the +act of taking all the credit to themselves and indignantly refusing to +pay their war taxes. + +This affecting drama of real life was played entirely by gifted +Mackerels, my boy, the one who acted Columbia being possessed of a +voice as musical as that which sometimes comes from between the teeth +of a new saw. + +When the last round of applause had subsided, and I was leaving the +theatre, I came upon the dramatist, Captain Villiam Brown, who appeared +to be waiting to hear what I had to say about his work. Says I to him: + +"Well, my versatile Euripides, your play resembles the better dramas of +Æschylus, inasmuch as it is all Greek to me." + +"Ah!" says Villiam, hastily assuming the attitude in which Shakspere +generally appears in his pictures. "Did I remind you forcibly of the +bard of Avon?" + +"Yes," says I, kindly; "you might easily be taken for Shakspere--after +dark." + +As I turned to leave him, my boy, I could not help thinking how often +the world will call a man a "Second" So-and-so, long before he has +anything like commenced to be first, even. + + Yours, doubtingly, + ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + LETTER LX. + + REPORTING THE SECOND REGULAR MEETING OF THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB, AND + THE BRITISH MEMBER'S CITATION OF THE ENGLISH POETS. + + + WASHINGTON, D. C., August 5th, 1862. + +This is a dull day, my boy; and when there is no longer any sunshine to +make steel bayonets and brass buttons glimmer to the eye, war is stript +of half its pomp, and the American mind takes a plain, practical view +of the strife. + +Truth to tell, this secession is a very shabby, unromantic thing to +fight about. There is really no poetry at all about it, my boy, and +when one would rhyme about it, the mantle of poesy refuses to fall upon +him, though a bogus sort of Hood may possibly keep him in countenance. +The cause of this war is simply this-- + + PER SE. + + Sepoys--sea-thieves-- + C. Bonds--see slaves-- + See seizures made in every kind of way; + See debts sequestrated-- + Sea-island frustrated; + Segars--seditionists--and C. S. A., + Seduced from honor bright-- + Secluded from serenest Wisdom's light-- + Sea-pent by ships of war-- + Selected planters for the world no more; + Severely snubbed by all-- + Secure to fall; + Sedately left alone by all who see + Seed poisonous sown in sectional retrogression; + See-saw diplomacy, sedition foui _per se_; + Sequel--that serio-comic scene-- + SECESSION! + +Speaking of poetry; I attended the meeting of the Cosmopolitan Club on +Monday night, and was much electrified by the treasures of British +literature unfolded by Smith-Brown. That double-chinned chap brought to +view a roll of manuscript, and says he: + +"Instead of reading a story for your entertainment, gentlemen, I +propose to make you acquainted with the war-sentiments of a few of +Albion's poet's, as expressed in certain unpublished verses of theirs +which have privately come into my possession. + +"First, let me commend to your attention some amiable rhymes by a bard +who knows more about this blarsted country than it knows about hitself": + + A MISTAKE BY HEAVEN! + + _By Dr. Charles Mack--y._ + + In Heaven's Chancery the Records stand + Of men and deeds in each and ev'ry land, + And as new rulers rise, or empires fall, + Appointed angels make a note of all. + + To mark the changes in this world of late + There came a Spirit from the Throne of Fate, + Instructed closely, to be sure and see + Who earth's chief rulers for _this_ year might be. + + His task accomplished, back the Spirit flew + To Heaven's Chancery, as bade to do, + And from his vestments took the mystic scroll + That named each potentate, from Pole to Pole. + + Recording Angels glanced it sharply o'er, + To note each change from what the Records bore; + But found no nations changing potentates + Until they came to the United States. + + "Another President!" the angels sighed, + "Another President!" the Fates replied; + And straight a pen the Chief Recorder took + To write the ruler's name within his book. + + He wrote--(alas! 'twill hardly be believed + The very angels could be so deceived)-- + He wrote the name that all his sprites might read-- + Not Abr'am Lincoln; no! but--THURLOW WEED. + + !! # # # !! # # # !! + + If foreign nations fail to judge your cause + In strict accordance with set Christian laws, + It is no proof of their intending crimes, + Since angels, even, make mistakes at times! + +We were all silent after that, my boy, and says the old British chap: + +"The next manuscript expresses the conservative sentiment of Britain's +Isle, the measure being peculiar and the manner inquiring. Hattention!-- + + THE WAR. + + BY SIDNEY DOBELL. + +I. + + Oh, the war, the war, + _Oh_, the war, the war, + OH, the war-- + With pools of gory, dripping grime, + And ghastly, beastly, horrible rime, + The soldier bloody, stiff and stark-- + The cannon thunders, hark! hark! + Columbia, how's the war? + +II. + + Oh, the blood, the blood, + _Oh_, the blood, the blood, + OH, the blood-- + Curdling, welling, staining the ground, + Bubbling from wounds with sick'ning sound; + The life gone out in a wind of swords,-- + Murderers leagued in hordes! hordes! + Columbia, how's the blood? + +III. + + Oh, the roar, the roar, + _Oh_, the roar, the roar, + OH, the roar-- + Thousands grappling, tearing to death, + Fever, madness and hell in a breath; + Rage, despair, oath and scream-- + Rivers crimson stream! stream! + Columbia, how's the roar? + +IV. + + Oh, the blaze, the blaze, + _Oh_, the blaze, the blaze. + OH, the blaze, + Homes in flames, lighting the storm, + Torches for death in a brother's form; + Ruin, ravage, ashes and smoke,-- + Hopes and heart-strings broke! broke! + Columbia, how's the blaze? + +V. + + Oh, the groan, the groan, + _Oh_, the groan, the groan, + OH, the groan-- + Mothers sonless, homeless and old, + Sisters brotherless, lone and cold, + Children starving, wailing for bread,-- + Fathers and brothers dead! dead! + Columbia, how's the groan? + +VI. + + Oh, the woe, the woe, + _Oh_, the woe, the woe, + OH, the woe, + Cities famishing, villages still, + Blood in the valley and fire on the hill; + Horror, havoc, curses and tears,-- + Dark desolation for years! years! + Columbia, how's the woe? + +VII. + + Oh, the end, the end, + _Oh_, the end, the end, + OH, the end, + Griefs and graves at every hearth, + Heaven offended, outraged Earth: + Prayers for vengeance from ev'ry tomb-- + Borne to the living a doom! doom! + Columbia, how's the end? + +Here Bonbon, the French chap, struck in, and says he: "Oh, the ass, the +ass, _Oh_, the ass, the ass, OH, the ass----" + +"Silence, Napoleon!" says the British chap, "and r-r-remember Waterloo! +The next metrical gem," says he, "illustrates the deeper profundity of +British thought, and conveys a moral lesson of the deepest significance +to babes and sucklings. Hem!"-- + + COLUMBIA'S AGONY. + + BY MARTIN FARQUHAR TUP----R. + + I hold it good--as who shall hold it bad? + To lave Columbia in the boiling tears + I shed for Freedom when my soul is sad, + And having shed proceed to shed again: + For _human sadness sad to all appears_, + And tears men sometimes shed are shed by men. + + The normal nation lives until it dies, + As men may die when they have ceased to live; + But when abnormal, by a foe's surprise, + It may not reach its first-appointed goal; + For _what we have not is not ours to give_, + And if we miss it all we miss the whole. + + Columbia, young, a giant baby born, + Aimed at a manhood ere the child had been, + And slipping downward in a strut forlorn, + Learns, to its sorrow, what 'tis good to know, + That _babes who walk too soon, too soon begin + To walk_ in this dark vale of life below. + + When first the State of Charleston did secede, + And Morrill's tariff was declared repealed, + The soul of Freedom everywhere did bleed + For that which, having seen, it sadly saw; + So true it is, _death-wounds are never healed_, + And law defied is not unquestioned law. + + The mother-poet, England, sadly viewed + The strife unnatural across the wave, + And with maternal tenderness renewed + Her sweet assurances of neutral love; + _A mother's love may not its offspring save; + But mother's love is still a mother's love._ + + Learn thou, Columbia, in thine agony, + That England loves thee, with a love as deep + As my "Proverbial Philosophy" + Has won for me from her approving breast; + _The love that never slumbers cannot sleep_, + And all for highest good is for the best. + + Thy Freedom fattens on the work of slaves, + Her Grace of Sutherland informeth me; + And all thy South Amboy is full of graves, + Where tortured bondmen snatch a dread repose; + Learn, then, the _race enslaved is never free_, + And in thy woes incurred, behold thy woes. + + Thy pride is humbled, humbled is thy pride, + And now misfortunes come upon thee, thick + With dark reproaches for the right defied, + And cloud thy banner in a dim eclipse; + _Sic transit gloria gloria transic sic_, + The mouth that speaketh useth its own lips. + + Thus speeds the world, and thus our planet speeds; + What is, must be; and what can't be, is not; + Our acts unwise are not our wisest deeds, + And what we do is what ourselves have done; + _Mistakes remembered are not faults forgot_, + And we must wait for day to see the sun. + +I looked up at Smith-Brown, my boy, and says I: + +"What does he mean by the 'State of Charleston,' my fat friend?" + +"Why," says he, "that's a poetic license, or American geography diluted +by the Atlantic. And here we have something by the gifted hauthor of +'Locksley Hall,' which it is somewhat in that vein: + + AMERICA. + + BY ALFRED TEN----N. + + Westward, westward flies the eagle, westward with the setting sun, + To an eyrie growing golden in a morning just begun; + Where the world is new in promise of a virgin nation's love. + And the grand results of ages germs of nobler ages prove; + + Where a prophecy of greatness runs through all the soul of youth, + And the miracle of Freedom blesses in a living truth; + Where the centuries unnumbered narrow to a single night, + And their trophies are but planets wheeling round a central light. + + Where the headlands breast the Ocean sweeping round creation's East, + And the prairies roll in blossoms to the Ocean of the West; + Where the voices of the seas are blended o'er a nation's birth, + In the harmony of Nature's hymn to Liberty on earth. + + Land of Promise! Revelation of a loyalty that springs + From a grander depth of purple than the heritage of kings-- + From the inner purple cherished at the thrones of lives sublime, + Cast in glorious consecration 'neath the plough of Father Time-- + + Home of Freedom, hope of millions born and slain and yet to be, + Shall the spirit of the bondless, caught from heaven, fail in thee? + Shall the watching world behold thee falling from thy starry height? + Like a meteor, in thine ending leaving only darker night? + + Oh! my kinsmen, Oh! my brothers--fellow-heirs of Saxon hearts, + Lo the Eagle quits his eyrie swifter than a swallow darts, + And the lurid flame of battle burns within his angry eye, + Glowing like a living ember cast in vengeance from the sky. + + At thy hearth a foe has risen, fiercer yet to burn and kill, + That he was thy chosen brother--friend no more, but brother still; + For the bitter tide of hatred deeper runs and fiercer grows, + As the pleading voice of Nature addeth self-reproach to blows. + + Strike! and in the ghastly horrors of a fratricidal war, + Learn the folly of your wanderings from the guiding Northern Star; + What were all your gains and glories, to creation's fatal loss + When ye crucified your Freedom on the cruel Southern Cross? + + Oh! my brothers narrow-sighted--Oh! my brothers slow to hear + What the phantoms of the fallen ever whisper in the ear; + God is just, and from the ruins of the temple rent in twain + Rises up the invocation of a warning breathed in vain. + + All thy pillars reel around thee from the fury of the blow, + And the fires upon thine altars fade and flicker to and fro; + Call the vigor of thy manhood into arms from head to foot, + Strike! and in thy strife with error let the blow be at the root. + + So thy war shall wear the glory of a purpose to refine + From the dross of early folly all the honor that is thine; + So thine arms shall gather friendship to the standard of a cause + Blending in its grand approval British hearts and British laws. + + Form thy heroes into armies from the mart and from the field, + And their ranks shall stretch around thee in a bristling, living shield; + Take the loyal beggar's offer; for the war whose cause is just + Breathes the soul of noblest daring into forms of meanest dust. + + Let thy daughters wreathe their chaplets for the foreheads of the brave, + Let thy daughters trace their lineage from the patriot's honored grave; + Woman's love is built the strongest when it rests on woman's pride, + Better be a soldier's widow than a meek civilian's bride. + + Onward let thine Eagles lead thee, where the livid Southern sun + Courts the incense for the heavens of a righteous battle won; + And the bright Potomac, winding through the fields unto the sea + Shall no longer mark the libel--what is bond and what is free. + + Rising from the fierce ordeal washed in blood and purified, + See the future stretch before thee, limitless on every side; + And in all the deep'ning envy of the nations wed to sloth, + Mark the record of thy progress, see the mirror of thy growth. + + Rising from thy purifying, like a giant from his rest, + Thou shalt find thy praise an echo from the East unto the West; + Thou shalt find thy love a message from the South unto the North, + Each its past mistake of duty finding out and casting forth. + + And thy States in new communion, by the blood they all have shed, + Shall be wedded to each other in the pardon of the dead; + Each, a scale of steel to cover vital part from foreign wrong, + All, a coat of armor guarding that to which they All belong. + + Thou shalt measure seas with navies, span the earth with iron rails, + Catch the dawn upon thy banner and the sunset on thy sails; + Northern halls of ice shall echo to thy sailor's merry note, + And the standard of thy soldier on the Southern isle shall float. + + Turning to thy mother, England, thou shalt find her making boast + Of the Great Republic westward, born of strength that she has lost; + And thy Saxon blood shall join ye, never to be torn apart, + Moving onward to the future, hand in hand and heart to heart. + +At the conclusion of this last reading, my boy, we separated. When we +are "heart to heart" with England, my boy, the heart that is underneath +may possibly have ceased to beat. + + Yours, to beat, or not to beat, + ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + LETTER LXI. + + PORTRAYING A SOCIAL EFFECT OF THE POSTAGE-STAMP CURRENCY, + DESCRIBING THE GREAT WAR MEETING IN ACCOMAC, RECORDING THE + LATEST EXPLOIT OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE, AND INTRODUCING A + DRAFTING ITEM. + + + WASHINGTON, D. C., August 9th, 1862. + +If tired Nature's sweet restorer, balmy Sleep, should ever take it into +her head to invade our distracted country, she would meet with less +resistance in Washington than it is possible for the able-bodied mind +to comprehend. Notwithstanding the fact that President Lincoln is an +honest man, my boy, the genius of Slumber has opened a large wholesale +establishment here, and the tendency to repose is so general that the +authorities are just able to wink at secession sympathizers. It takes +so long to get the news of the war from New York, that our citizens +grow languid in the intervals. On Monday, indeed, an enterprising chap +from Nantucket opened a Museum on the outskirts of the town, by way of +varying the monotony, and quite a numerous crowd assembled to witness +the performance. This Museum comprises a real two shilling piece, +inclosed in a strong glass case, to preserve it from the violence of +the mob, and even respectable old married men go to see it, for the +sake of past associations. On the occasion of my visit to this unique +establishment I arrived shortly before the exhibition began, and found +a brilliant array of beauty and fashion for an audience. It was quite +interesting, my boy, to hear the conversation going on. There was a +fine young chap just in front of me who has recently been appointed to +the staff of the Commander-in-Chief in consequence of his great +experience in the coal business, and says he to another Lubin's +Extracts chap: + +"Fwedwick, who is that wavishing creatchah ovah they-ar, with the +Peach-Orchard eyes and Lehigh hair?" + +"Aw, dimmy," says Lubin's Extracts, "that's the great heiress. She's +worth eighty thousand postage-stamps." + +"The wed kind?" says the young staff-chap, eagerly--"is it the sticky +wed kind, Fwed?" + +"No," says Lubin's Extracts, scornfully; "it's the green ten cent kind." + +"Intwojoose me," says the staff-chap, excitedly--"intwojoose me, Fwed; +I must know her--upon my soul I must." + +Upon his soul, my boy--he said upon his _soul_! When it is possible for +an introduction to take place upon such a soul as that, my boy, it will +be comparatively able to manoeuvre an elephant brigade on the extreme +point of an infant needle. + +When the manager of the Museum came out to lecture upon his great +natural curiosity, there was immediate silence; and when the case was +uncovered, revealing the quarter to full view, several very old +gentlemen fainted! Alas! they remembered the time when--but no matter +now--no matter now. + +"Ladies and gentlemen," says the manager, pointing solemnly to his +treasure, "the rare and beautiful coin which you now behold was well +known to our forefathers, who stamped the figure of Liberty upon it, in +order to show the world that this is the only country where man is at +Liberty to deal in slaves by way of financial speculation. This rare +coin disappeared as soon as the Liberty I speak of seemed to be +endangered, nor will it reappear in this country again while there are +so many brokers ahead." + +On quitting this admirable exhibition, my boy, I did not return to this +city, but went immediately down to Accomac, to attend the great Union +meeting. Accomac, my boy, has at length determined that this war shall +be vigorously carried on, even if it takes several public speakers to +say so; and the conduct of Accomac, in calling a meeting for such a +purpose, reminds me of a chap in the Sixth Ward. + +He was a respectable family chap, who had formed a partnership with all +his neighbors for the express purpose of taking entire and exclusive +charge of their business for them, and evinced such a deep interest in +the most private affairs of his friends, that absence did not conquer +their love for him. One Sunday there was a city missionary at the +church he attended, who implored the aid and prayers of the +congregation in behalf of a poor but pious family, who were starving to +death around the corner. "Hev any tracts been left with our suffering +frens?" says the respectable chap, rising in his pew and pinching his +benevolent chin thoughtfully. "Yes," says the missionary, sadly, "we +sent them some tracts on the immortality of the soul; but, horrible to +relate, they gained no flesh by them." The respectable chap, who was a +baker by profession, was much moved by this revelation of human +depravity, and says he to a bald-headed chap in the next pew: "Brother +Jones, you must attend to this sad case in the morning. We must +remember our fellow-beings in affliction, Brother Jones. Early to-morrow +you must take some bread to this suffering family. If you have no bread +of your own, Brother Jones," says the respectable chap, feelingly, +"come to my shop and I--I will sell you some for this charitable +purpose." But Brother Jones proved to be a grievous backslider, my boy, +and said he had an engagement to go to Hoboken on the morning in +question. "Very well," says the respectable chap, when he heard this, +"then I will arrange it in another way. Tell our starving brothers and +sisters to have faith," says he to the missionary, in a heartfelt +manner, "and they shall be fed, even as the ravings fed my old friend +Elijah." So, the next day he called a meeting of brethren to pray that +food might be sent to the suffering ones, and they used up the entire +English language in prayer to such an extent, that when the respectable +chap topped off with a benediction, he had to introduce some Latin +quotations. They had just finished this noble work of Christian +benevolence, when the missionary came tearing in, and says he: "It's +all over; they're all dead; the last child starved to death half an +hour ago." The respectable chap stared at him aghast, and says he: "Did +you tell them to have faith?" The missionary cracked a peanut, and says +he: "Verily, I did; but they said they couldn't have faith on empty +stomachs." The respectable chap pondered a while, and says he: "If they +didn't have faith, my frens, the whole matter is explained. We, at +least, have done our duty. We have prayed for them, frens--we have +prayed for them." And the brethren went home to their dinners. + +Public mass meetings, my boy, to help a struggling country, are like +prayer-meetings to aid the starving poor; the intention is good, but +the practical benefit resulting therefrom is not visible to the naked +eye. + +There was a large meeting at Accomac, several new liquor-shops having +been opened there recently, and the speakers were as eloquent as it is +possible for men to be when advising other men to do what they don't +care to do themselves. A chap of large abdominal developments was +specially fervid. Says he: "Let us show to them as is tyrants and +reveling in the agonies of down-trodden Europe, that this Republic is +able to put down all enemies whatsomever, without interfering with any +of the inalienable rights of those who, though our enemies, are still +our long-lost brothers. (Frantic applause.) Shall it be said that +twenty-two millions of people cannot put down eight millions without +injuring those eight millions? (Shrieks of approbation, and cries of +"That's so!") No! a thousand times no! We fight, not to injure the +South; not to interfere with them, which is our own flesh and blood, +but to sustain the Constitution rendered sacred by Revolutionary gore! +(Overwhelming enthusiasm.) The creatures which is trying to break up +this here beneficent Government, ask us what we are fighting for, then? +Gracious hevings! what a question is this! Do they not know what we are +fighting for--that in this unhappy struggle we--that our purpose, I +would say, in prosecuting hostilities is to--is to--DO IT? Of course it +is." + +This speech, short, terse, and to the purpose, was gloriously received +by everybody, except a friendless chap, who said he didn't understand +the last clause; and he was immediately sent to jail for daring to be +so traitorously obtuse. + +Though the General of the Mackerel Brigade was seated upon the highest +barrel on the platform, my boy, and blew his nose louder than any one +else, he did not wish to be seen, nor did he intend that the assemblage +should call upon him for the speech sticking out of his side-pocket; +but when the throng accidentally found him to be the most prominent +figure in sight, they thoughtlessly called upon him to say something. +The General laid aside his fan with some embarrassment, and says he: + +"My children, I love you. My children," says the General, motioning to +his aid to fill the tumbler again, "I daresay you expect me to say +something, and though I am unprepared to speak, there is one thing I +will say. If anything goes wrong in this war, nobody is to blame, as I +alone am responsible. Bless you, my children." + +As the idol of the populace finished these touching remarks, and +resumed his tumbler and fan, there was but one sentiment in the whole +of that vast assemblage, and a democratic chap immediately went and +telegraphed to Syracuse that the prospect for a Democratic President in +1865, was beautiful. + +The meeting might have lasted another week, my boy, thereby rendering +the Union cause utterly invincible, but for the imprudence of an insane +chap who proposed that some of the young men present should enlist. +This malapropos and singularly inconsistent suggestion broke up the +assemblage at once, in great disorder--volunteering being just the last +thing that any one thought of doing. Greatly edified and encouraged by +what I had heard, my boy, I made all haste for Paris, where I found the +Mackerel Brigade and Commodore Head's fleet in great excitement over +the case of an Irish gentleman who believed this to be a white man's +war, and had started for Paris, just fourteen minutes after landing in +this country, for the express purpose of protesting against any labor +being performed by negroes, while there were white men to do it. +Colonel Wobert Wobinson, of the Anatomical Cavalry, quieted him by +saying that, although a number of negroes were then engaged in digging +trenches, a new line of holes in a far more unhealthy place would be +commenced in the morning, and that none but Irishmen should be +permitted to dig them. + +On the night previous to my arrival, my boy, while all the Mackerels +were watching the stars with a view to prevent any surprise from that +quarter, the Southern Confederacy on the other side of Duck Lake +trained four large fowling-pieces upon their peaceful camp from behind +a wood-pile, and commenced a ferocious and ear-splitting bombardment. +It was some hours before our men could be got into position to return +the fire, as Captain Bob Shorty had forgotten where they had put the +Orange County Howitzers when last using them. The fleet, too, was +somewhat delayed in getting into action, as Commodore Head experienced +some difficulty in unlocking the box into which he always puts his +spectacles and slow-match before retiring at night. + +Finally, however, the howitzers were discovered behind some boards, and +the spectacles and slow-match were forthcoming, and our troops were +pouring a hot fire across Duck Lake before the Confederacy had got +two-thirds of the way back to Richmond. Next morning, my boy, the Conic +Section crossed the Lake, and cleared away everything on the opposite +shore except the before-mentioned wood-pile. The latter contains the +same kind of wood that was burned in the time of Washington, my boy, +and twenty men were appointed to guard it from the profanation of our +troops. We must protect such property at all hazards, my boy, or the +Constitution becomes a nullity. + +Having crossed the treacherous element to view the immediate scene of +these proceedings, and learned from Captain Villiam Brown that our +pickets were within ten miles of the Confederacy's capital, I was about +to make some short remark, when a messenger came riding forward in a +great perspiration, and says he; + +"Our pickets have been driven in." + +"Ha!" says Villiam, "is the Confederacy again advancing upon the United +States of America?" + +"Our pickets," says the messenger, impressively "have been driven in; +they have been driven into Richmond." + +"Ah!" says Villiam, pleasantly, "then send out some more pickets." + +I strolled away from the pair, my boy, reflecting upon the possibility +of enough Mackerel pickets reaching Richmond in this way to make the +Union sentiment there stronger than ever, and was looking listlessly to +my footing, when I chanced to espy a paper on the ground. Picking it +up, I found it to be a note from the wife of the Southern Confederacy +to her cousin, dropped, probably by one of the Confederacies of the +wood-pile. It bore the date of April the First, and read as follows: + +"DEAR JULEYER:--I have just space of time to write you these few lines, +hoping that these few lines will find you the same, and in the +enjoyment of the same blessing. O my unhappy country! how art thou +suffering at this present writing! I have not had a single new bonnet +for two weeks, my beloved Juleyer, and my Solferino gloves are already +discolored by the perspiration I have shed when thinking of my poor, +dear South. My husband, the distinguished Southern Confederacy, is so +reduced by trials, that he is a mere skeleton skirt. Oh, my Juleyer, +how long is this to continue? Ere another century shall have passed +away, the Yankees will have approached nearer Charleston and Savannah, +and the blockade become almost effective. Since the Mackerel Brigade +has changed its base of operations, even Richmond seems doomed to fall +in less than fifty years. Everything looks dark. Tell me the price of +dotted muslin, for undersleeves, when you write again, and believe me, + + Your respected cousin, + "MRS. S. C." + + * * * * * + +There's only one thing about this letter bothers me, and that's the +date, my boy--the date. + +When very near this city, on my return home, I met a chap, weighing +about two hundred and twenty-five pounds, who was on his way to a +lawyer's to get his exemption from the draft duly filed. + +"See here, my patriotic invalid," says I, skeptically, "how do you come +to be exempt?" + +"I am exempt," says he, in a proudly melancholy manner, "because I am +suffering from a broken heart." + +"Hem," says I. + +"It's true," says he, sniffling dismally. "I asked the female of my +heart to have me. She said I hadn't enough postage-stamps to suit her +ideas of personal revenue, and she didn't care to do my washing. That +was enough: my heart is broken, and I am not an able-bodied man." + +Drafting, my boy, is of a nature to develop the seeds of disease in the +hitherto healthy human system--seeds which, if suffered to fructify, +will be likely to ultimate in what gentlemen of burglarious +accomplishments would chastely and botanically denominate a very +large-sized "plant." + + Yours, seriously, + ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + LETTER LXII. + + CONTAINING FRESH TRIBUTES OF ADMIRATION TO THE DEVOTED WOMEN OF + AMERICA, AND DEVELOPING THE GREAT COLONIZATION SCHEME OF THE + GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE BLACK + RACE. + + + WASHINGTON, D. C., August 15th, 1862. + +Once more, my boy, this affectionate heart would render tribute of +gushing admiration to the large souled women of America, who are again +commencing to luxuriate and comfort our majestic troops with gifts +almost as useful to a soldier as a fishing-pole would be to the +hilarious Arab of Sahara. As I ambled airily near Fort Corcoran on +Monday, my boy, mounted on my gothic steed Pegasus, and followed by the +frescoed dog Bologna, after the manner of the British nobility, I +chanced upon a veteran of the Mackerel Brigade, who had come up from +Paris on one of those leaves of absence which grow from the tree styled +Sycamore. He was seated under a wayside oak, examining some articles +that had recently come to him in a package; now and then addressing his +eyes in the more earnest language of the Sixth Ward. + +Having reined-in my spirited architectural animal, and merely pausing +to administer a crumb of cracker from my pocket to a hapless +blue-bottle fly which had rashly alighted from the backbone of the +charger, and was there starving to death, I saluted the Mackerel +veteran, and, says I: + +"Comrade, wherefore do you select this solitary place to use language +only fitting a brigadier when he is speaking to an inferior officer, or +a high-toned conservative when referring to negroes, Wendell Phillips, +and the republican party?" + +The veteran Mackerel sighed deeply, as he spread open the package to +full view, my boy, and says he, respectfully: + +"Are you a married man, my cove?" + +"No," says I, with a feeling of mingled insignificance and financial +complacency, "I never paid a milliner's bill in my life." + +"Neither did I," said the veteran, with a gleam of satisfaction, +"neither did I; I always has them charged to me; but still I am the +wedded pardner of one which is a woman. I have loved her," says the +veteran passionately, "I have loved her better than I loved number +Three's masheen, with which I was brought up, and that seemed to me +like my own brother. I have stayed home from a fire more than once to +go to church with her; and the last words I said to her when I come +here was: 'Old woman! if Six's foreman comes here after that wrench, +while I'm away, tell him I'll break that nose of his when I come back!' +We was all confidence together," says the veteran, smiting his chest, +madly; "and I never threw a brick that I didn't tell her of it, and now +she's gone and sent me a copy of the Temperance Pledge, a pair of +skates, two bottles of toothache drops, and six sheets of patent +fly-paper. I really believe," says the veteran, bitterly--"I really +believe that she thinks I ain't got nothing to do here but to keep +house and take care of an aged grandmother." + +At the conclusion of this unnatural speech, my boy, I hastily trotted +away upon my architectural steed; for I had not patience enough to talk +longer with one whose whole nature seemed so utterly incapable of +appreciating those beautiful little attentions which woman's tender +heart induces her to bestow upon the beloved object. Since the last +time I was sick, my boy, I have entertained a positive veneration for +the wonderful foresight of that blessed sex, whose eyes remind me of +pearl buttons. At that period, when the doctors had given me up, and +nothing but their absence seemed capable of saving my life, one of the +prevalent women of America heard of my critical condition, and, by her +deep knowledge of human nature, was enabled to rescue me. She sent me a +bottle of stuff, my boy, saying, in a note of venerable tone, that it +had cured her of chapped hands several times, and she hoped it might +break my fever. With a thankful, confident heart, I threw the bottle +out of the window, my boy, and got well in less than three months. + +The other day, I went down to Accomac again, to see the General of the +Mackerel Brigade, who had invited me to be present while he made an +offer of bliss to a delegation from that oppressed race which has been +the sole cause of this unnatural war, and is, therefore, exempted from +all concern in it. + +The General, my boy, was seated in his temporary room of audience when +I arrived, examining a map of the Border States through a powerful +magnifying-glass, and occasionally looking into a tumbler, as though he +expected to find something there. + +"Well, old Honesty," says I, affably, "what is our next scheme for the +benefit of the human race?" + +He smiled paternally upon me, and says he: + +"It is my purpose to settle the Negro Question in accordance with the +principles laid down in the Book of Exodus. Thunder!" says the General, +with magisterial emphasis, "if we do not secure the pursuit of +happiness to the slave, even, we violate the Constitution and become +obnoxious to the Border communities." + +I was reflecting upon this remark, my boy, and wondering what the +Constitution had to do with the Book of Exodus, when the delegation +made its appearance, and caused the room to darken perceptibly. Not to +lose time, the General waved his hand for the visitors to be seated, +and, says he: + +"You and we are different races, and for this reason it must be evident +to you, as well as to myself, that it is better you should be +voluntarily compelled to colonize some distant but salubrious shore. +There is a wide difference between our races; much wider, perhaps, than +that which exists between any other two races. Your race suffers very +greatly, and our race suffers in suffering your race to suffer. In a +word, we both suffer, which establishes a reason why our race should +not suffer your race to remain here any longer. You who are here are +all present, I suppose." + +A voice--"Yes, sah." + +"Perhaps you have not been here all your lives. Your race is suffering +the greatest wrong that ever was; but when you cease to suffer, your +sufferings are still far from an equality with our sufferings. Our +white men are now changing their base of operations daily, and often +taking Malvern Hills. This is on your account. You are the cause of it. +How you have caused it I will not attempt to explain, for I do not +know; but it is better for us both to be separated, and it is vilely +selfish in you (I do not speak unkindly) to wish to remain here in +preference to going to Nova Zembla. The fact that we have always +oppressed you renders you still more blameable, especially when we +reflect upon the fact that you have never shown resistance. A trip on +your part to Nova Zembla will benefit both races. I cannot promise you +much bliss right away. You may starve at first, or die on the passage; +but in the Revolutionary War General Washington lived exclusively on +the future. He was benefitting his race; and though I do not see much +similarity between his case and yours, you had better go to Nova +Zembla. You may think that you could live in Washington, perhaps more +so than you could on a foreign shore. This is a mistake. None but white +army contractors and brigadiers on furlough can live here. + +"The festive isle of Nova Zembla has been in existence for some time, +and is larger than any smaller place I know of. Many of the original +settlers have died, and their offspring would still be living had they +lived long enough to become accustomed to the climate. You may object +to go on account of your affection for our race, but it does not strike +me that there is any cogent reasons for such affection. So you had +better go to Nova Zembla. The particular place I have in view for your +colonization is the great highway between the North Pole and Sir John +Franklin's supposed grave. It is a popular route of travel, being much +frequented by the facetious penguin and the flowing seal. It has great +resources for ice-water, and you will be able to have ice cream every +day, provided you supply yourselves with the essence of lemon and +patent freezers. As to other food, I can promise you nothing. There are +fine harbors on all sides of this place, and though you may see no +ships there, it will be still some satisfaction to know that you have +such admirable harbors. Again, there is evidence of very rich +bear-hunting. When you take your wives and families to a place where +there is no food, nor any ground to be cultivated, nor any place to +live in, then the human mind would as naturally turn to bear-hunting as +to anything else. But if you should die of starvation at the outset, +even bear-hunting may dwindle into insignificance. Why I attach so much +importance to bear-hunting is, it will afford you an opportunity to die +more easily than by famine and exposure. Bear-hunting is the best thing +I know of under such circumstances. + +"You are intelligent, and know that human life depends as much upon +those who possess it as upon anybody else. And much will depend upon +yourselves if you go to Nova Zembla. As to the bear-hunting, I think I +see the means available for engaging you in that very soon without +injury to ourselves. I wish to spend a little money to get you there, +and may possibly lose it all; but we cannot expect to succeed in +anything if we are not successful in it. + +"The political affairs of Nova Zembla are not in quite such a condition +as I could wish, the bears having occasional fights there, over the +body of the last Esquimaux governor; but these bears are more generous +than we are. They have no objection to dining upon the colored race. + +"Besides, I would endeavor to have you made equals, and have the best +assurance that you should be equals of the best. The practical thing I +want to ascertain is, whether I can get a certain number of able-bodied +men to send to a place offering such encouragement and attractions. +Could I get a hundred tolerably intelligent men, with their wives and +children, to partake of all this bliss? Can I have fifty? If I had +twenty-five able-bodied men, properly seasoned with women and children, +I could make a commencement. + +"These are subjects of very great importance, and worthy of a month's +study of the paternal offer I have made you. If you have no +consideration for yourselves, at least consider the bears, and endeavor +to reconcile yourselves to the beautiful and pleasing little hymn of +childhood, commencing: + + "I would not live always; + I ask not to stay." + +At the termination of this flattering and paternal address, my boy, the +delegation took their hats and commenced to leave in very deep silence; +thereby proving that persons of African descent are utterly insensible +of kindness and much inferior to the race at present practising +strategy on this continent. + +Colonization, my boy, involves a scheme of human happiness so entirely +beyond the human power of conception, that the conception of it will +almost pass for something inhuman. + + Yours, utopianically, + ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + LETTER LXIII. + + GIVING A FAMILIAR ZOOLOGICAL ILLUSTRATION OF THE "SITUATION," AND + CELEBRATING THE BRILLIANT STRATEGICAL EVECUATION OF PARIS BY + THE MACKEREL BRIGADE. + + + WASHINGTON, D. C., August 22, 1862. + +On Monday morn, my boy, whilst I was pulling on a pair of new boots that +have some music in their soles, there arose near my room door a sound as +of one in dire agony, closely followed by a variously-undulated moan, as +of some deserted woman in distress. Hastily discontinuing my toilet, and +darting to the threshold, I beheld one of those scenes of civil war +which impress the sensitive soul with horror and meet the just +reprobation of feeling Albion. + +Rampant between two marrow-bones, my boy, was my frescoed dog, Bologna, +eyeing, with horrid fury, Sergeant O'Pake's canine friend, known as +Jacob Barker, and ever and anon uttering sentences of supernatural +wrath. To these the excited Barker responded in deep bass of great +compass, his nose curling with undisguised disdain, and his eyes +assimilating to that insidious and fiery squint which betokens +inexpressible malignity. There was something not of earth, my boy, in +the frescoed Bologna's distortion of countenance as he attempted to +keep an eye on each bone, and at the same time look full in the face of +his foe; and there was that in the sounds of his strain which betokened +Sirius indecision. + +As I gazed upon these two infuriated wonders of natural history, my +boy, and recognized the fact that the existence of two bones in +contention prevented an actual battle, because neither combatant was +willing to lose sight of either of them; whilst the presence of but one +bone would have simplified the matter, and precipitated a decisive +conflict, I could not but think that I saw symbolized before me the +situation of our distracted country. + +The United States of America, my boy, and the well-known Southern +Confederacy, are like two irascible terriers practising defiant +strategy between two bones, the one being the festive negro-question, +and the other the Union. Now it seems to me, my boy--it seems to me, +that if the gay animal with U. S. on his collar would only dispose of +the bone nearest him without further vocalism, there would be a better +chance for him to secure the other bone in the combat sure to come. + +Dogs, my boy, and men, are very much alike, in their hostile meetings, +neither seeming to know just exactly which is truly their _magnum +bonum_. + +Ascending the roof of my architectural steed, Pegasus, on Tuesday, I +induced the gothic animal to adopt a pace sometimes affected by the +fleet tortoise, and went down to Accomac in pursuit of knowledge +respecting recruiting. Just before reaching that Arcadian locality, my +boy, I met Colonel Wobert Wobinson, of the Western Cavalry, who had +been down there to induce volunteering and infuse fresh confidence into +the masses. He offered a bounty of two hundred dollars; three dollars +to be paid immediately, and the rest as soon as the war commences in +earnest; and promised to each man a horse physically incapacitated from +running away from anything. + +"Well, my bold dragoon," says I, cordially, noticing that Pegasus had +already fallen into a peaceful doze, "how go enlistments?" + +The colonel waved away an abstracted crow that was hovering in deep +reverie over my charger's brow, and says he: "I have enlisted all the +people of Accomac." + +"I want to know," says I, Bostonianly. + +"Yes," says he, "I called a meeting, and succeeded in enlisting +all--their sympathies." + +As I gazed upon the equestrian warrior, my boy, methought I saw the +youngest offspring of a wink trembling in a corner of his right eye, +and I felt that the world renowned Snyder was at that moment laboring +under a heavy incubus. Such is life. + +The state of health in Accomac indicates that the demon of disease is +abroad in the land, looking chiefly for his victims among those between +the tender ages of eighteen and forty-five. Instead of having a sling +in his hand, like the young warrior David, each young man I met had his +hand in a sling, whilst the dexter leg of more than one able-bodied +patriot suggested the juvenile prayer of "Now I lame me, down to slip." +And there were the women of America fairly crying in terror of the +draft, instead of bearing themselves like the Spartan ribs of old. + +Alas! my boy, why cannot our people realize, that a nation, like a +cooking-stove, cannot keep up a steady fire without a good draft. We +need men for the crisis, and we only find cry sisses for the men. + +I could not stay here, so I hastened on to Paris, where a great +strategic movement was about to supply all the world with fresh +recollections of the late Napoleon. I say _late_ Napoleon, my boy, +because our Napoleon is apt to be behind time. + +As far back as I can remember, I have been fully aware that this +movement was about to take place, but would not, like too many other +correspondents, betray the confidence reposed in me. This bosom, my +boy, this manly and truthful bosom, is about the right shop for +confidence. Nor is it like the bosoms of those who can truthfully say +that they never _give_ important information to the enemy, though every +body knows that they sell it. + +On arriving in Paris, I saw at once that preparations for outgeneraling +the deceived Confederacy had already commenced; for the down-trodden +General of the Mackerel Brigade had assembled the reliable contrabands +whom he had used for some weeks past, and was taking leave of them in a +heart-felt manner. + +Mounted on a small keg, from the bung hole of which came the aroma of +pleasant rye fields, the General softly wiped his lips, and says he: + +"Being members of a race which we regard as a speshees of monkeys, my +black children, the fact that this is a white man's war will prevent +your taking part in the entirely different race about to come off. +After the manner of Andrew Jackson at New Orleans, I have called upon +you to do something for your adopted country; but as my friend Andrew +was particular to make his proclamation read '_free_ negroes,' there +can be no parallel between the two cases further. Therefore, return to +your masters, my children, and tell them that the United States of +America wars not against them rights of which you are a part. Go! And +remember, that as Gradual Emancipation is about to come off, you will +soon know the juicy richness of being free to visit all parts of the +world, except those not included in the pleasing map of Nova Zembla." + +The contrabands departed, my boy, in blissful procession, and many of +them are undoubtedly happy enough now. Happier, my boy, than they could +hope to be if suffered to remain in this conservative and +constitutional world. + +While the Mackerels were coming out of their holes, and polishing their +shovels for the march, I observed that the general walked thoughtfully +to his tent, in deep silence. I found Captain Villiam Brown expelling +two reporters from the lines, lest they should prematurely divulge the +movement then going on to the Confederacy seated on an adjacent fence, +and says I to him: + +"Tell me, my fiery warrior, wherefore is it that the chieftain seeks +his solitary tent?" + +"Ah!" says Villiam, reverently, "it is to pray for the cause of liberty +and the rights of man, after the manner of George Washington, Mount +Vernon, Virginia. Come with me, my cherub," says Villiam piously, "and +you shall see martial greatness in a touching aspeck." + +We went softly to the tent together, my boy, and there beheld the +beloved general of the Mackerel Brigade, with his face devoutly +upturned. His face was devoutly upturned, my boy; but we could see +something intervening between his countenance and the sky, and +discovered, upon closer inspection, that it was a tumbler. Can it be, +my boy, that this good man thought that Heaven, like any distant +earthly object, could be brought nearer by looking toward it through a +glass? Here is food for thought, my boy--here is food for thought. + +And now, Commodore Head having fished his iron-clad fleet from the +tempestuous bosom of Duck Lake, and everything being in readiness--the +march of the Mackerel Brigade commenced, with a silence so intense that +we could distinctly hear all that anybody said. + +First, came a delegation of political chaps from the Sixth Ward, +conversing with each other on the state of the country, and considering +eight hundred and forty excellent plans for saving the Union, and +getting up a straight-out ticket. + +Then appeared the well-known promenade band of the Mackerel Brigade, +executing divers pleasant _morceaux_ on his night-key bugle, an +occasional stumble over a stone giving the airs a happy variety of +sudden _obligati_ improvements. + +Next appeared the idolized General of the Mackerel Brigade, modestly +refusing to receive all the credit for the skillful movement, and +assuring his staff that he really would not prefer to be President of +the United States in 1865. + +Followed by Commodore Head, with his squadron on his shoulders, +swearing as usual in his iron-plated manner, and vowing to capture +Vicksburg before he was twenty years older. + +Then advanced Captain Villiam Brown, Eskevire, Captain Bob Shorty, and +Captain Samyule Sa-mith, each indignantly rejecting the idea that this +movement was a retreat, and expressing the hope that Wendell Phillips +would be immediately hung for it. + +Then came a train of wagons containing all the provisions that could +not be thrown away. + +Succeeded by the Mackerel Brigade with shovels at a shoulder-arms, and +noses suggestive of strawberry patches in the balmy month of June. + +And was this _all_ the procession? you will ask; did nothing come after +the Brigade itself? + +I am not a positive man, my boy, and care not to assert a thing unless +I positively know it to be true. It was growing dark when we reached +our destination, and I could not see distinctly toward the rear: yet I +think I _did_ see something coming after the Mackerel Brigade. + +What was it? + +It was the Southern Confederacy, my boy--the Southern Confederacy. + + Your, excitedly, + ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + LETTER LXIV. + + SHOWING HOW THE COSMOPOLITANS MET AGAIN, TO BE INTRODUCED TO THE + "NEUTRAL BRITISH GENTLEMAN," AND HEAR MR. BONBON'S FRENCH + STORY. + + + WASHINGTON, D. C., August 25th, 1862 + +Ever since the British chap read all that unpublished British poetry at +the Club, my boy, I have been anxious to favor him with an "Idyl," +written by a friend of mine who has traveled much in Albion, and writes +_ex-cathedra_. Last night there was a fair chance, and I then introduced + + THE NEUTRAL BRITISH GENTLEMAN. + + Incrusted in his island home that lies beyond the sea, + Behold the great original and genuine 'TIS HE; + A paunchy, fuming Son of Beef, with double weight of chin, + And eyes that were benevolent--but for their singular tendency + to turn green whenever it is remarked that his + irrepressible American cousins have made another + Treaty with China ahead of him--and taken Albion in. + This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time. + + With William, Duke of Normandy, his ancestors, he boasts, + Came over from the shores of France to whip the Saxon hosts; + And this he makes a source of pride; but wherefore there should be + Such credit to an Englishman--in the fact that he is descended + from a nation which England is forever pretending + to regard as slightly her inferior in everything, + and particularly behind her in military and naval + affairs--we really cannot see. + This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time. + + He deals in Christianity, Episcopalian brand, + And sends his missionaries forth to bully heathen land; + Just mention "Slavery" to him, and with a pious sigh + He'll say it's 'orrid, scandalous--although he's ready to fight + for the Cotton raised by slaves, and forgets how he + butchered the Chinese to make them take Opium, + and blew the Sepoys from the guns because the + poor devils refused to be enslaved by the East India + Company--or his phi-lan-thro-py. + This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time. + + He yields to Brother Jonathan a love that passeth show-- + "We're Hanglo-Saxons, both of us, and carn't be foes, you know." + But as a Christian Englishman, he cannot, cannot hide + His horror of the spectacle--of four millions of black beings + being held in bondage by a nation professing the + largest liberty in the world, though in case of an + anti-slavery crusade the interests of his Manchester + factors would imperatively forbid him to--take + part on either side. + This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time. + + Now seeing the said Jonathan by base rebellion stirred, + And battling with pro-slavery, it might be thence inferred + That British sympathy, at last, would spur him on to strife; + But, strange to say, this sympathy--is labelled "NEUTRALITY," + and consigned to any rebel port not too closely blockaded + to permit English vessels, loaded with munitions, to + slip in. And when you ask Mr. Bull what he means + by this inconsistent conduct, he becomes virtuously + indignant, rolls up his eyes, and says: "I carn't + endure to see brothers murdering each other and + keeping me out of my cotton--I carn't, upon my life!" + This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time. + + Supposing Mr. Bull should die, the question might arise: + Will he be wanted down below, or wafted to the skies? + Allowing that he had his choice, it really seems to me + The moral British Gentleman--would choose a front seat with + his Infernal Majesty; since Milton, in his blank + verse correspondence with old _Times_, more than + once hinted the possibility of Nick's rebellion + against Heaven succeeding; and as the Lower Secessia + has cottoned to England through numerous + Hanoverian reigns, such a choice on the part of the + philanthropical Britisher would be simply another + specimen--of his NEUTRAL-I-TY! + This Neutral British Gentleman, one of the modern time. + +When Smith-Brown had heard that, my boy, he sniffed grievously, and +says he: "England never _was_ happreciated in this blarsted country." + +I believe him, my boy. + +It being Bonbon's turn to read a story, he unrolled his papers and gave +us + + + THE CONFESSION. + +"During my short stay in France, I belonged to a convent of Carthusian +monks, and there became acquainted with the man whose confession +constitutes my story. He had applied for admission to our order, as one +who had tired of life's gaieties, and bestowed his wealth, which was +enormous, upon the holy church. Brother Dominique was the name he +assumed; and his austere devotion speedily gained him notoriety for +great piety; but there was something so unnatural in his actions, and, +at times, so incoherent in his speech, that we, who were his daily +companions, involuntarily shuddered when he spoke to us. Among the +various incongruities of his character, was a gloomy reserve--or, +rather, pride, which repulsed all advances of friendship, and impressed +upon the mind a conviction that Brother Dominique's religion was more +like that of a hypocrite foiled in his schemes, than of a pure-minded +man, whose sense of duty to his Creator had induced him to assume the +serge and rosary. This conviction was more than confirmed by his +occasional exclamations of anger and defiance, as though once more a +prey to the passions of an outer world; and, at the expiration of a +year from the time of his entrance, the new brother was an object of +suspicion, if not dislike, to the whole convent, excepting myself. + +"My sentiments in regard to him were those of pity; for I felt +confident that some great sorrow was preying upon his mind; and the +wild agony which would often contort his whole countenance, while at +evening prayers, made me anxious to know something of his history. + +"One evening, having received an order to visit the cell of Dominique +from our superior, I was surprised to find a curiously-fashioned lamp, +burning in a niche, directly opposite an iron cot, on which the monk +was sleeping. Knowing that the convent rules expressly forbade a light +at that hour, I was about to extinguish it, when there fell upon my +startled ear a loud yell, like that of a springing tiger, and, in an +instant, I was seized by the throat. Filled with dismay, I struggled to +extricate myself, when the beams of the lamp fell upon the writhing +features of Dominique, pallid as those of a corpse, and spattered with +froth from his lips. + +"'Devil, I defy thee!' he exclaimed, dashing me violently against the +wall; and then quitting his hold. + +"'Brother Dominique, are you mad?' I asked, as soon as I could recover +my breath. + +"'It is a lie! I am not mad!' he ejaculated, glaring fiercely upon me, +and biting his lip until the blood streamed from his beard. + +"Hardly knowing what I did, I again approached the lamp; when he again +sprang to my side, and pushed me violently from before it. + +"'Must I kill you, too?' he said, in a whisper that pierced me. + +"'You are excited,' I replied, with all the calmness I could muster. 'I +thought you were asleep, or I should first have spoken to you about +your lamp, the burning of which, at this late hour, is a violation of +the rules.' + +"He covered his face with his hands while I was speaking; and when he +again looked up, all traces of former agitation had vanished. + +"'Forgive me, father,' he said, with composure. 'Our superior has +granted me the privilege of having a light always burning, as I am +subject to fits, such as you have just witnessed, and cannot do without +it. God have mercy upon me! I might have murdered you,' he added, +turning suddenly pale again, and leaning against the damp wall. + +"I delivered my message, being anxious to leave a being whose passions +were so violent when aroused; but he called me back as I turned away, +and resting upon his hard bed, motioned for me to take a seat beside +him. + +"I hesitated about complying at first; but there was an expression of +mingled sorrow and entreaty resting upon his whole countenance, that +awoke my sympathy and conquered fear. Closing the door of the cell, I +obeyed him in silence, and sat down with a feeling of awe not to be +defined. + +"'Father,' he said, laying one hand on each of my shoulders, and +staring fixedly in my face, 'Will you hear me confess?' + +"The extreme abruptness of the question made me start from him with a +gesture of surprise, but I answered not. + +"'Will you hear a tale of crime from a criminal?' he continued, +pressing heavily upon me, 'a tale of murder from a murderer!' + +"I felt convinced that I had a maniac to deal with, and remembering to +have heard that any sign of timidity but added fuel to the fires of +insanity, I steadily returned his stare, and responded as quietly as I +could. + +"'Brother Dominique, if your soul is burthened with crimes, why not +confess to the superior who is our father confessor?' + +"'No, no!' he exclaimed, frantically. 'To you, or no one.' + +"Fearful that, by refusing, I should again arouse him to violence, I +drew my cowl closely over my head to guard against the damp air, and +bade him tell me his sorrows. + +"He, at once, fell upon his knees before me--nor could I persuade him +to assume any other attitude. + +"'Here on my knees,' he began, 'will I tell a tale that shall freeze +your blood, and make you turn from me in scorn, or hatred. You will not +betray me?' + +"I assured him I would not. + +"'I am the last of a noble Florentine house, which bears the names of +sovereigns upon its registers. My father was a cold, stern man, proud +of his high descent, and arrogant with those beneath him. My mother was +the daughter of a Venetian noble, bright and beautiful as a diamond, +and insensible to all the softer warmths of women as is that precious +gem. I was their only child, and all the love their hearts were capable +of feeling was bestowed upon me; all my desires were gratified ere +expressed; obsequious menials stood about my path eager to obey my +slightest nod; velvet received my infant footsteps, and the atmosphere +around me was one of mellow music. + +"'I grew up to manhood a pampered child of fortune, happy only in the +midnight orgie or early morning revel, and the most polished profligate +of my native city; yet my father regarded me with feelings of pride, +and my mother looked upon her son as one well worthy to inherit the +flaunting fortunes of his house. Although my father was ever kind to me +he was subject to occasional fits of violence, when he would beat the +servants, and render it necessary for his friends to confine him. It +was said that he had seized a gipsey woman who had been caught in the +act of stealing, causing her to be burned alive, and that while the +flames were torturing the poor wretch, she had denounced her +executioner with the bitterest execrations, and declared that he and +his offspring should feel the curse of madness. The prophecy so worked +upon my father's mind as to occasion periodical attacks of insanity, at +which seasons he would rave fearfully, and, as I said before, render +temporary confinement necessary. I cannot say that the knowledge of +this fact had any effect upon me then, for I was gay and thoughtless; +but, alas! it has since proved my bane, and poisoned every cup that has +touched my lips. + +"'Onward I flew, in a whirl of wildest dissipation, until my +twenty-first birth day, when my father ordered me to meet him in the +library at a certain hour. Not daring to disobey him, although I +anticipated some cutting rebuke for my late headlong course, I waited +upon him at the appointed time, and was relieved when he asked me in a +kind tone to take a seat near him. + +"'"Dominique," he said, "you have now reached an age when you must give +up childish follies, and be a man. You are my only son, and my titles +and fortune must one day be yours. It is my hope that you may support +them with honor; but, in order to do this you must take a decided step +at once--you must marry." + +"'Although arrived at that period of life when woman usually becomes +the principal object of man's hope and ambition, I was totally +indifferent to them, and ridiculed those of my friends who had married, +or, as I termed it, become slaves for life. But I knew my father's +temper too well to thwart him, and appeared to acquiesce in his designs +for my future benefit. He informed me that the lady whom he had +selected to be my bride, was of a noble family, and would be at our +villa in a few days, when he wished me to render myself as agreeable as +possible, and at once commence my wooing. + +"'I left him with a feeling of despair at being so soon obliged to give +up my gay companions and become suppliant to one whom I had never +before seen, and belonging to a sex that I held in contempt. + +"'In my trouble I appealed to a young nobleman, an associate of mine, +for advice, and he recommended that I should go abroad without my +father's knowledge--afterwards giving him my reasons for so doing in a +letter, and humbly asking his forgiveness. This advice just suited my +disposition, and I resolved to follow it. Accordingly I collected +sufficient funds for my journey, and on the morning of the day when my +intended bride was to arrive at our villa, I started with my valet for +France. + +"'Upon reaching Paris I wrote to my father, declaring my determination +to remain unmarried until tired of being my own master, and concluding +by asking his pardon for the step which I had taken. My father did not +answer this letter, and hence I supposed that he was seriously +offended; but this conviction did not prey upon my mind for any length +of time--indeed, I soon became more notorious in the French capital +than I had been at home for unbounded extravagance and heedless +dissipation. The well-known prominence and wealth of my family gained +access for me to the circles of the most exclusive aristocracy. The +glory and power of the unfortunate Louis and his peerless queen, Marie +Antoinette, were already on the wane; yet their magnificence far +eclipsed that of any other European court, and many traitors stood in +the glittering throng that swarmed about them, whose meekly down-cast +eyes were destined to blaze with the fires of rebellion, and whose +swords were yet to flash terror into the heart of that sovereign who +regarded them then as the staunchest bulwarks of his throne. With all +due ceremony, I was presented to the ill-fated representatives of +royalty, and quickly found myself the cynosure of all eyes, leered at +by languishing dames, sneered at by those of my own sex whom nature had +slighted, and honored with the attention of more than one aristocrat +who afterwards fell a victim to the fury of red republicanism. But the +sword of Damocles was suspended over our heads, and it soon fell with a +clash that aroused echoes in every corner of the globe. When first the +ferocious Club proclaimed its prerogative, I joined with others in +treating it as a subject beneath our notice; but, as the flames of +insurrection spread, and street barricades were successfully defended +against the assaults of the National Guard, I began to feel the danger +of being an aristocrat, and take measures for flight when events should +have reached their crisis. It was too late. At the dead of night, I was +aroused from my sleep by a violent uproar in the street below, +accompanied by a thundering at the court yard gates of my hotel. I +sprang from my couch to the window, and, with a vague apprehension of +what was to come, pulled aside the curtain and looked forth. Holy +Virgin! what a sight was there!--Thousands of howling demons, fast +losing all semblance of humanity, surging and roaring like an infernal +sea, with ghastly death-lights leaping above its waves and drowning +grim shadows beneath. 'Blood! blood!' was their watchword, and I heard +my name bandied from lip to lip, with bitter execrations. My pride was +aroused, and conquered every other emotion. Hastily drawing a heavy +military cloak over my head and form, I opened the casement, and walked +out upon the balcony. So completely did my garment shroud me, that the +bloodhounds knew me not, and for a moment their hellish cries sank into +dead silence. + +"'"Open the gates, or we will burn you alive," shouted a hoarse voice. + +"'"_Vive le Roi!_" I shouted in answer. + +"'Oh, what rage there was in the yell responsive to my taunt. It seemed +as though Pandemonium had sent its countless fiends to join in the +chorus of brutal fury. The gates were fast yielding, and my servants +were constantly reminding me with pallid faces that I was ruthlessly +sacrificing their lives for my own. In a moment, my resolution was +made. I hastily assumed my usual dress, and wrapping the cloak about +me, went down into the court and placed myself in a dark corner. + +"'"Open the gates," I cried, disguising my voice, and throwing it as +far forward as possible. + +"'With quaking limbs, my servant obeyed the order, and in another +moment, I felt the hot tide of devils bolting past me, into the elegant +saloons of my hotel. So intent were the mob upon despoiling and +plundering, that I was enabled to gain the street unmolested; but at +that point, some enemy called my name, and with a shout of triumph, +hundreds of infuriate demons started toward me. Knowing that resistance +would be worse than madness, I drew my sword, and clenching it firmly +in my right hand, with the point in front of me, I ran swiftly before +them. Again arose the shouts, and onward came my enemies, panting for +blood. Desperation gave me strength, and like a hunted deer, I far +out-sped my pursuers; but human nature cannot be taxed beyond a certain +point, and as I turned into the Rue St. Martin, my strength began to +fail me, and my breath came hot and quick. Giving up all hope of escape +and resolving to sell my life dearly, I was about to stand at bay, when +an open door in a house close by caught my glance, and with the +rapidity of thought, I darted through and closed it behind me. My +hunters had not yet turned the corner, but I could hear their cries and +with regained strength, I ascended a flight of stairs and entered an +apartment, when a scream of surprise arrested my progress. A young girl +stood before me with uplifted hands and astonishment painted upon every +feature. + +"'"Holy Mother! What would you have, monsieur?" + +"'"I am pursued by the _canaille_, mademoiselle, and entered here to +recruit my strength. I will die like a man." + +"'"You are a royalist?" + +"'"Yes." + +"'I turned to the door, when she eyed me closely for some moments, and +then opening a closet in the wall, pointed to its interior, without +speaking. I saw at once that she wished to save me, and after raising +her hands to my lips in mute expression of my gratitude, I entered the +closet, and heard her turn the key in the lock. Almost at the same +moment, loud shouts arose from the street and heavy footsteps were +heard ascending the stairs. + +"'"Whose house is this?" demanded a gruff voice, as its owner +apparently entered the room, in company with others. + +"'"Citizen Foliere's," answered my protectress, in sweet, calm tones. + +"'"Which side?" + +"'"_Vive la Republique._" + +"'"_Tres bien._ He can't be here, comrades; he has given us the slip. +Where is your father, mademoiselle?" + +"'"He went to join in the attack on a hotel in the Rue St. Honore." + +"'"Then he will be back soon, for the building is in flames, though its +master has escaped us. Adieu, mademoiselle." + +"'My nerves and muscles had been drawn to the last degree of tension, +excitement had buoyed me up for a time; but now that my pursuers were +departing and danger no longer surrounded me, a reaction took place, +and I fell insensible upon the floor of my closet, while my fair jailer +was in the act of liberating me. + +"'Soon a scorching heat fell upon my brain, and in fancy I returned to +my father's house. Dire shapes of blood haunted me, until I raved like +a maniac and cursed the author of my being as the author of my +destruction. + +"'I woke as from a dream, and found myself lying upon a soft couch, +attended by a physician, and a tall, middle-aged man, wearing the red +republican badge--I owed my life to one of a class which I had ever +despised. Monsieur Foliere had returned home soon after my pursuers had +quitted it; and found his daughter attempting to revive me; great as +was the risk he incurred by protecting a royalist, he did not hesitate +to send at once for a surgeon, and order every comfort necessary to +preserve my life. + +"'I endeavored to express my gratitude; but the stern citizen frowned, +and from that time forth, I said no more on the subject. Health slowly +returned to its temple, and as it sent the warm blood tingling freshly +through my veins, love mingled with the current that flowed to the +heart. Cerise, my saviour, my guardian angel, hovered about my pillow +like a spirit of light, awaking in my breast a passion which had never +dwelt there before. She was not what the world termed a beauty; but +there was a quiet grace about her actions, and a smiling, lovely +dignity ever shining from her large brown eyes, that so drew her to me, +as to make me silent and melancholy when she was not present. + +"'Not to linger over a period, the purest and brightest of my +existence, suffice it to say, that Cerise returned my passion, and I +was blest with her love. I told her my name, and painted the splendors +of Florence, while she listened with a gentle smile of approbation, and +consented to become my wife, should her father raise no objection. + +"'Anticipating no difficulty in that quarter, my happiness was +unalloyed, and I considered her as all my own. At length, when my +health was fully re-established, I asked a private interview with +Citizen Foliere, and demanded the hand of his daughter in marriage. I +described in glowing terms my love for Cerise and her reciprocation--I +spoke of my high rank in Florence, the many honors of my family, and +its great antiquity; the advantages which would accrue to him from +having such a son-in-law--in fact, presented my views in every light of +interest and paternal affection that I could devise. The stern +republican heard me through in silence, and then answered coldly-- + +"'"Young man, you were received into my house, a fugitive from +retributive justice, and sheltered by me at the risk of my own good +name and life. I pitied your youth, and yielded my protection, when +duty bade me surrender you to my friends. Would you repay me by robbing +me of my richest treasure, or forever blighting her existence by +arousing in her bosom a hopeless passion? My daughter cannot be yours, +though you boasted the blood of a sovereign; she shall never sit in the +palaces of our oppressors. My decision is irrevocable, and this subject +must be forever at rest." + +"'Frantic with indignation and disappointment, I flew to Cerise, and +with the violence of a maniac, acquainted her with my ill-success; I +swore she should be mine, or I would slay myself at her feet. By turns +she wept and expostulated, until I accused her of faithlessness, when +she threw herself into my arms, and in an agony of tears, bade me do +with her as I pleased. + +"'That night I was on my way from Paris, with my _wife_ clasped to my +breast, calling down heaven's bitterest curses upon my head, should I +ever cease to love her as I then did, and kissing the hot tears from +her cheeks in a burning, maddening transport of blind devotion. + +"'Oh madman! wretch that I was--why did I not fall a withered corpse at +the feet of that innocent girl, who sacrificed a father's love for me? + +"'At Genoa I purchased a villa in a retired spot, and there tasted the +intoxicating joys of elysium; but fate was darkening in clouds above my +head, and the bridal garlands were soon to blossom in a harvest of +blood. I wrote again to my father, acquainting him with the step I had +taken, and narrating my escape from death in France. An answer soon +came, and in the presence of my wife I read as follows: + +"'"DOMINIQUE--Foolish boy, you have well nigh driven me to madness by +your conduct, and your mother has gone to the grave a victim to the +folly of her son. Come hither at once, if you would not kill me also, +and behold the wreck that remains of + + "'"YOUR FATHER." + +"'The vague tone of this communication, and the intelligence of my +mother's death, overwhelmed me with sorrow. Cerise, dear Cerise, fell +upon my bosom and reproached herself as being the author of all my +troubles. In vain did I try to forget my own griefs, and strive to +console her; she soon became calm, but the smile of contentment no +longer beamed from her eyes, and her peace was departed forever. She +insisted upon obedience to my father's request, and when I yielded, +accompanied me to my native city silent and tearless. + +"'Resolving to see my father alone, I left my wife at an obscure house +in the suburbs of the city, and promising to return when I had softened +my parent's wrath, I set out with a heavy heart for the home of my +childhood. + +"'The servants at once recognized me, but I could only learn it from +their glances, for they led the way in silence to the saloon of +reception. + +"'My father was seated in a remote corner, conversing with some person +when I entered, and on beholding me, at once came forward and embraced +me with every token of affection. Astounded at receiving such a salute, +when I expected nothing but reproach, I stood motionless, staring at +him in silence, until the other person present approached. Never shall +I forget the appearance of Lucia on that day. Her raven locks, falling +below her waist and mingling imperceptibly with the folds of her sable +robe, contrasted strikingly with the snow-white purity of her +complexion, over which her piercing eyes, shed a lustre truly +spiritual. As my father introduced us, our glances met, and I felt a +thrill to my inmost soul. + +"'It maddens me to dwell upon those scenes, and I will hasten to the +conclusion of my story. I forgot Cerise, my honor--everything, in the +society of her who had once been selected to wed with me. Day followed +day until a month had elapsed, and I still remained fascinated to the +spot, false to my vows, false to my wife, and true to nothing but blind +infatuation. My father beheld me sinking deeper and deeper in the black +waves of infamy, and a light of demoniac exultation burned in his eyes. +I marked his triumph, and I, too, felt a savage joy, though for what +reason, I knew not. + +"'At length he taunted me as the husband of a lazarone. He pointed with +hellish glee to where Lucia stood, the incarnation of perfection, and +bade me behold what I had lost. My brain was on fire, a thousand furies +tugged at my heartstrings, and as my father clasped my hands in his and +looked down into my soul, I felt that savage joy again, and a demon +possessed me. My father approached his face to mine, until his hot +breath burned upon my cheek, and whispered in my ear; it was enough. +With a loud laugh I left him and flew, rather than ran, to where my +deserted wife was watching for me, sad and alone. + +"'Why did she not tax me with my perfidy? Why did not her angel soul +arise in its innocent love, to crush me with the glancing of an eye? +Oh, that she had uttered one reproach, one bitter word! She saw me, and +with a cry of joy, cast her white arms about my neck, as on our +marriage; they were like chains of searing, glowing iron to me, and I +dashed her from me, howling in the delirium of my torments. She marked +the wild fire that flashed from my eye, the dark flush that burned upon +my cheek, my breast heaving with the struggles of the fiend within, my +hair hanging in disordered masses over my throbbing brow, the cowardly +trembling of the hand concealed in my bosom; she beheld a fiend +incarnate in the form of one who had sworn to love and cherish her +forever; yet no word of reproach arose from those lips I had so often +kissed. Again her arms were about me, and again I attempted to dash her +to the ground. + +"'"My husband, my dear Dominique!" she shrieked, clinging to me, and +pressing her cheeks, pallid and cold, against mine, glowing and burning +with the reflected fires of hell. The spell of madness fell upon me, as +I struggled with that faithful wife, and hissing froth boiled from +between my teeth, mingling with her long locks of auburn hair. I +suffered all the torments of the damned as we swayed to and fro, until +her strength began to fail and her arms relaxed their hold. Then, with +a horrid laugh, I wound her long curls about my hand, and plunged a +stiletto to its hilt in her breast. + +"'The warm blood of life poured in a torrent upon me, and as my victim +lay gasping upon the ground, I danced frantically about her, laughing +with glee. + +"'I did not wait to see her die--I _dared not_ do it--but all gory as I +was, I returned to my father. He met me with a smile, and his calmness +communicated itself to me. + +"'I was happy then--oh! yes, very happy! + +"'With blood upon my hand, and madness in my brain, I wooed Lucia with +all the cunning of insanity, and another gentle heart soon beat for me +alone. + +"'We were married! I remember the bright glare of the lights, the holy +dignity of the priests, the gay laughter of the brilliant company, as +my health and _happiness_ were pledged in goblets of rare wines, the +face of my _second_ wife shining like that of an angel, with fond, +confiding love for _me_; and then my father! We looked at each other, +and smiled exultantly--we murderers, madmen, receiving the homage of +reasonable beings. I was filled with mad joy, and sent forth peals upon +peals of laughter while the ceremony was being performed. My father +joined in my unnatural merriment, and surprise and fear was painted on +every countenance. I saw the lips of Lucia tremble, and squeezed her +hand so that she groaned with pain. Oh! what would I not have given to +have been in the open air, yelling my triumph to the beast in his lair +and the bird on the wing; making nature's arena to echo my bursts of +mirth, and rising far above the earth on a sea of discord. My father +continued near me through the ceremony, and left the saloon at its +conclusion; but I _knew_ that his feelings were like mine and envied +his liberty. + +"'Then I grew calm again, and friends congratulated me, and music +filled the air, and the dance went on, and I kissed my bride until she +involuntarily shrank from me in confusion. I was very happy then. + +"'At length the midnight hour arrived and the maidens of Lucia +conducted her, veiled in blushes, to the nuptial couch. How beautiful +did she look, arrayed in spotless white, such as bright angels wear. An +hour elapsed ere I flew to her chamber and threw myself upon the floor +in a paroxysm of mirth. There was a large lamp of glass that burned +before a mirror in our bridal chamber, and as its perfumed oil was +consumed a delicious odor ladened the air; as I rolled upon the carpet +and tore it with my teeth, the light shone in my eyes, and in an +instant I ceased all motion and stared fixedly at it, while cold drops +of water came out upon my temple. + +"'Timidly my bride approached and spoke to me; but I answered her not; +for there was another form before my eyes; another bride speaking to my +soul. There was an explosion; the lamp fell into a thousand pieces, and +where it had been there stood _my murdered wife_, with the blood +pouring from her bosom, and the stiletto in her hand. I saw her as +plainly as I now see you, and she bade me _slay her rival_! I knew my +fate decreed it so; I dared not disobey the dead, and with a howl of +fury, I sprang upon Lucia, my _second_ bride. In vain she clasped her +hands to me in prayer for mercy; in vain she tried to shriek for help; +I grasped her pale throat until my nails sank into the flesh, and a +purple hue spread over her face. There I saw her sink from blooming +health to ghastly death, and every feature was visible to me in all its +convulsive workings, although the light was out. + +"'My spirit wife stood before me and my last victim, until she faded to +nothing in the morning light. + +"'As the beams of the sun streamed in upon me, I took my dead bride in +my arms and stalked gaily down to the saloon of my father. I heard him +laughing loudly, and with a laugh I answered him as I carried my burden +into his presence. He, too, had something in his arms, and it was the +lifeless form of Cerise, crumbling to decay, and fresh from a banquet +of worms. We placed our treasures side by side upon a table, and +embraced each other with yells of laughter. Higher and higher rose our +mirth, and louder grew our shouts of triumph, until the street beneath +us was crowded with people, and the servants burst into the saloon +where we held our revel. + +"'We were seized and carried before the Duke, with the cold corpses of +my wives; but we laughed when they called us murderers, and cursed when +others called us madmen. + + * * * * * + +"'The keepers of the madhouse awoke me from my slumbers to tell me that +my father had died during the night. What was that to me? I wanted a +light burning beside me all night, and then he would not come from the +grave to visit me. So I laughed and was merry to think that I was +locked up in a madhouse. After many years I was released from my +prison, and came thither to take the cowl of a monk. Think not that I +am mad, holy father, when I solemnly swear that the shades of my wives +stand beside me every night, and only wait until the light goes out, to +drag me down to hell. I see them _now_, with bleeding bosom, and throat +bearing the prints of my nails! Cerise! Lucia! I defy thee both! The +lamp still burns! ha! ha! ha!' + +"With a horrid laugh brother Dominique fell upon his face on the +ground, like one blasted by a stroke from heaven; and with a vague +feeling of terror, I crawled stealthily to my own cell. + +"On the following day we met at morning prayer, in the chapel, but he +treated me as though we had never known each other, and the events of +the preceding night were never again mentioned by either of us. + +"One evening, loud peals of laughter were heard issuing from the cell +of the maniac, and several of the monks hastened thither with me, to +learn its cause. On opening the door, I first beheld the lamp lying +extinguished in its niche, while brother Dominique was stretched upon +the stony pavement in strong convulsions, giving vent every now and +then to sounds of mirth, so dreadful that we stopped our ears, and fled +horrified to the superior. When all was again silent we returned to the +cell; but the maniac was not there, and the niche was vacant." + +Such, my boy, was the story related by M. Bonbon, the reading making +him hoarse, and the plot suggesting a nightmare also. + + Yours, staringly, + ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + LETTER LXV. + + NOTING THE REMARKABLE RETROGRADE ADVANCE OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE + UPON WASHINGTON, AND THE UNSEEMLY RAIDS OF THE RECKLESS + CONFEDERACY. + + + WASHINGTON, D. C., August 30th, 1862. + +As every thing continues to indicate, my boy, that President Lincoln is +an honest man, I am still of the opinion that the restoration of the +Union is only a question of time, and will be accomplished some weeks +previous to the commencement of the Millennium. It is the "Union as it +was" that we want, my boy, and those who have other articles to sell +are hereby accused of being accursed Abolitionists. I was talking the +other day to a venerable Congressman from Maryland, who had just +arrived to protest against the disturbance of mail facilities between +Baltimore and the capital of the Southern Confederacy, and says he, "I +have several friends who are Confederacies, and they inform me that +they are perfectly willing to return to the Union as it Was, in case +they should fail in their present enterprise. If I thought," says the +Congressman, hastily placing a lottery-ticket in his vest-pocket, "if I +thought that this war was to be waged for the purpose of injuring the +Southern Confederacy, rather than to restore the Union as it was, I +should at once demand more mileage of the Government, and repeatedly +inquire what had become of all the 'Wide-Awakes.'" + +As he uttered this last horrible threat, my boy, I was impressed with a +sense of something darkly democratic. Too many of the "Wide-Awakes" of +the last campaign are indeed fast asleep now, when their country needs +them. I saw one of them slumbering near Culpepper Court House last +week. He was sleeping with his right arm twisted in the spokes of a +disabled cannon wheel, and a small purple mark was on his right temple. +But he was not alone in his forgetful sloth, my boy; for near him, and +rigidly grasping his disengaged hand, was a Democrat slumbering too! + +The sight, I remember, rendered me so honestly indignant, that I could +not help pointing it out to the Mackerel Chaplain, who was engaged in +selling hymn-books to the wounded. The Chaplain looked a moment at the +Fusion Ticket before us. + +"They sleep for the Flag," says he, softly, "and may its Stars shed +pleasant dreams upon their loyal souls for ever." + +The Chaplain is an enthusiast, my boy, and this is what he has written +about + + OUR GUIDING STARS. + + The planets of our Flag are set + In God's eternal blue sublime, + Creation's world-wide starry stripe + Between the banner'd days of time. + + Upon the sky's divining scroll, + In burning punctuation borne, + They shape the sentence of the night + That prophesies a cloudless morn. + + The waters free their mirrors are; + And fair with equal light they look + Upon the royal ocean's breast, + And on the humble mountain brook. + + Though each distinctive as the soul + Of some new world not yet begun, + In bright career their courses blend + Round Liberty's unchanging Sun. + + Thus ever shine, ye Stars, for all! + And palsied be the hand that harms + Earth's pleading signal to the skies, + And Heav'ns immortal Coat of Arms. + +You are probably aware, my boy, that the unconquerable Mackerel Brigade +is still advancing upon Washington in a highly respectable and +strategic manner; and that all correspondents are excluded from the +lines, lest some of them, in their natural blackness of heart, should +construe the advance upon Washington into a retreat from Richmond. + +But I gained admission to the scene by adopting the airy and pleasing +uniform of the Southern Confederacy; and am thereby enabled to give you +some further account of the skillful retrograde advance to which I +dimly referred in my absorbing last. + +The uniform of the Southern Confederacy is much respected by many of +our officers, my boy, and is the only guise in which a fellow-being may +scrutinize the national strategic works with entire safety. + +Thus attired, I joined the Mackerel Brigade in its cheerful work of +pushing Richmond away from its martial front, and having penetrated to +the rear where horrible carnage was being wrought in the frantic ranks +of the Confederacy, I beheld the idolized General of the Mackerel +Brigade anxiously searching for something upon the ground. In a moment, +he looked up, and says he to the warriors in his neighborhood: + +"My children, have you seen anything of a small black bottle that I +placed upon the grass, just now, when I turned to speak to my aid?" + +A Mackerel chap coughed respectfully, and says he: "I guess it was +taken by some equestrian Confederacies, which has just made another +raid." + +"Thunder!" says the General, "that's the third bottle I've lost in the +same way within an hour." And he proceeded slowly and thoughtfully to +mount his horse, which stood eyeing him with funereal solemnity and +many inequalities of surface. + +Turning to another part of the line, my boy, I beheld Captain Villiam +Brown and Captain Bob Shorty in the act of performing a great strategic +movement with the indomitable Conic Section, many of whom were +employing the moment to take a last look at the canteens presented to +them before leaving home by their devoted mothers. A number of reckless +Confederacies had just crossed a bridge spanning a small stream near +by, and the object of this daring movement was to suddenly destroy the +bridge before they could retreat and then make prisoners of the whole. + +It was a sublime conception, my boy--it was a sublime conception, and +rich with strategy. + +Like panthers surrounding their unsuspecting prey, the wily Mackerels +swept noiselessly across the bridge, applied their axes with the +quickness of thought, and in a moment the doomed structure fell +splashing into the water. It was beautiful to see Villiam's honest +exultation at this moment; his eyes brightened like small bottles of +brandy with the light shining through them, and says he: + +"We have circumvented the Confederacy. Ah!" says Villiam, proudly; "the +United States of America is now prepared to continue in the exchange +business, and--" + +He paused. He paused, my boy, because he suddenly observed that Captain +Bob Shorty had commenced to scratch his head in a dismal manner. + +"I'm blessed," says Captain Bob Shorty, in a cholerical manner--"I'm +blessed if I don't think there's some mistake here, my military infant!" + +"Ha!" says Villiam, with dignity; "do you discover a flaw in the great +chain woven by the United States of America around the doomed +Confederacy?" + +Captain Bob Shorty again scratched his head, and says he: + +"I don't wish to make unpleasant insinuations; but it seems to me that +this here body of infantry has left itself on the wrong side of the +stream!" + +And so it had, my boy. By one of those little mistakes which will +sometimes occur in the most victorious armies, the Conic Section had +thoughtlessly _crossed the bridge_ before destroying it, thus leaving +themselves on one side of the river, while the riotous Confederacies +were on the other. + +How they got across again, at a fordable place higher up, just in time +to see the Confederacies cross again, at a fordable place lower down, I +will not pause to tell you, as such information might retard +enlistments. + +Once more stationing myself near the General of the Mackerel Brigade, +who sat astride his funereal charger like the equestrian statue of the +Duke of Wellington, I was watching his motions attentively, when a body +of horsemen suddenly dashed by him, and I saw, as they disappeared, +that he was left bareheaded. + +"Thunder!" says the general, winking very violently in the sunlight, +and rattling his sword in a fearless manner, "where's my cap gone to?" + +There was a respectful Mackerel chap at hand, and says he: + +"I think it was took by the equestrian Confederacy, which has jest made +another raid." + +"Hum!" says the general, thoughtfully, "that's very true. Thunder!" +says the general to himself, as it were: "this is all Greeley's work." + +Pondering deeply over this last remark, I sauntered to another part of +the field, where the Orange County Howitzers were being prepared to +repel the charge of a regiment of Confederacies, who had just come +within our lines for the purpose. The artillery was well handled, my +boy, and not a piece would have been captured but for the splendid +discipline of the gunners. They were too well disciplined to dispute +orders, my boy; and as Captain Samyule Sa-mith had accidentally +forgotten to give the order to "load" before he told them to fire, the +effect of our metal upon the hostile force was not as inflammatory as +it might have been. + +The next I saw of Samyule, he was making his report to the general, who +received him with much enthusiasm. + +"Where are your guns, my child?" says the general, with paternal +affability. + +Samyule blew his nose in a business-like manner, and says he; + +"Several of them have just gone South." + +I am unable to state what response the general intended to make, my +boy; for at this instant a body of horsemen swept between the speakers, +one of the riders jerking the veteran's horse violently from under him, +and galloping the steed away with him. Up sprang the general, in a +violent perspiration, and says he: + +"Where's my horse gone to?" + +"I guess," says a Mackerel chap, stepping up--"I guess that it was took +by the equestrian Confederacy, which has just made another raid." + +"Thunder!" says the general, "they'll take my coat and vest next." And +he retired to a spot nearer Washington. + +I would gladly continue my narrative of the advance movement, my boy, +showing how our forces continued their march in excellent order, safely +reaching a spot within ten miles of the place they gained on the +following day; but such revelations would simply tend to confuse your +weak mind with those great doubts concerning military affairs which +tend to render civilization impertinently critical. + +It is the simple duty of civilians, my boy, to implicitly trust our +brass-buttoned generals; of whom there are enough to furnish the whole +world with war--and never finish it at that. + + Yours, weekly, + ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + LETTER LXVI. + + IN WHICH OUR CORRESPONDENT ASTONISHES US BY ENGAGING IN SINGLE + COMBAT WITH M. MICHELET, AND DEMOLISHING "L'AMOUR" AND "LA + FEMME." + + + WASHINGTON, D. C., Sept. 4th, 1862. + +While I was lounging in a banker's drawing-room this morning, my boy, +waiting for the filthy lucre chap to come down and say that he was glad +to see me, I chanced to see the eternal "L'Amour" and "La Femme" lying +upon a table in the apartment. The sight threw me into a bad humor, for +I detest those books, my boy, and wish the United States of America had +never seen them. + +Monsieur Michelet, a French individual of questionable morals, first +writes a book about "Love," and then clinches it with one about +"Woman." It is hardly necessary to add, that he treats both subjects in +a thoroughly French manner, and makes one a continuation of the other. +Love is a charming little story in every man's life, "complete in one +number"--Number one. Woman is a love-story, "to be continued" until, +like all other continued stories, it ends with marriage! + +Such is the logic implied by Monsieur Michelet's two books, and whether +it is calculated to elevate or degrade the weaker sex, a majority of +educated American women have eagerly read the books and accepted the +sentiments as so many compliments. And the men? They leisurely rove +through the leaves of monsieur's mental Valambrosa, and say: "How +Frenchy!" And in that natural exclamation we find the most complete and +just criticism of "L'Amour" and "La Femme" possible to American lips or +pen. + +This Michelet, my boy, is a man of talent and remarkably clear poetical +perception. He is as much like Hallam as a Frenchman can be like an +Englishman, and France honors him for his development of the poetry of +her history; but is that any reason why he should be accepted as the +modern High-priest of Love and the Censor of Woman? By no means. Madame +de Stael was thinking of a Frenchman when she wrote: "Love is only an +episode in man's life"--and may have referred to herself when she +added: "but it is woman's whole existence." Had an American woman +spoken this, we should suspect the sentiment to be nothing more than +the reproach of a disappointed passion; but of the Frenchman it is +indisputably true, as well as of woman wherever we find her. + +The French do not know what Fidelity means, my boy; they have chameleon +souls, and remain true to one object only until another comes within +their reach. Like mad bulls, they are attracted by the quiescent warmth +of fiery-red; and, having attained it, tear it to pieces in their +passion. + +What can such people know about Love? Nothing. They call Love +"L'Amour," and when we speak of a man's "amours," we mean that he +"loves" like a Frenchman. Monsieur Michelet is a Frenchman; and +supposing him to be an ordinary one, we must accept his sentiments +regarding Woman as we would those of an Apicius regarding a delicacy he +apostrophizes before devouring. But Michelet's temperament is poetical, +and while he looks upon Woman as a foretaste of the sensualist's +paradise, and upon Love as the means of gaining it, he covers up the +grossness of his ideas with robes borrowed from the angels. Adopting +Kepler's canon, that "harmony is the perfection of relations," he makes +Woman, the creature, a continuation of Love, the sentiment; and the +tenor of his "L'Amour" and "La Femme" is, that both must be possessed +by man, in order to perfect the union which makes them a perfect One. + +Wherever I go I find these books: cheek to cheek they repose on the +carved table of the lady's boudoir; shoulder to shoulder they stand on +the library shelf; _tete-a-tete_ they give the rich centre-table an +equivocal aspect. Young men and maidens, old men and matrons, children +and chambermaids read them; yet they have no social effect. Woman +understands love and herself; Man thinks he understands both; and the +fictitious fervor of Monsieur Michelet has no more effect upon either +than so much prismatic froth. It addresses itself piquantly to the eye, +and murmurs like a shell in the ear; but once out of sight and hearing, +and it is only an excuse for light talk and laxity of thought. + +I am glad to record this; it shows that our national morality is in no +danger of being wrecked on the French coast by any such tropical gales +as Michelet, Feydeau, or Dumas can blow. Let our publishers bring over +a few more cargoes from the Augæan stables of French literature in +English bottoms, and I will guarantee them large profits. We will read +them, and immediately forget all about it. + +But to return to Michelet again. Our women read his "Woman," and +imagine that it compliments their sex--flatters them. Fortunate is it, +that flattery very seldom changes a woman's character, though it may +sway her judgment. She accepts it as her right, but seldom believes it. +Queen Elizabeth graciously extended her hand to be kissed when her +noble lover compared her to "the sun, whose faintest ray extinguishes +the brightest planet;" yet that same hand had signed the flatterer's +death-warrant. At the moment she was pleased, and her good sense dazed; +but her heart was not reached. Flattery, skillfully administered, may +add fuel to a woman's love; but the fire must first be kindled with +something more sympathetic. An American woman may read "La Femme," and +complacently receive its subtle _equivoques_ as so much fuel added to +her vanity; but that vanity was kindled into existence in the first +place by the genuine homage of some honest man. + +It was Michelet's "Woman," my boy, that suggested this letter; yet I +did not intend, at the outset, to devote so much space to his +unwholesome sophistry. If I have shown, however, that Michelet's +"Woman" is only such a being as he would have created under that name, +could he have changed places with the Deity, I have not wasted time and +ink. Thank fortune, there is but one French deity, and his proper name +commences with a D. + +Now, let me give my own idea of Woman--not "La Femme." + +As she stands before me in the light of Nature, she is no "enigma," as +voluntarily-puzzled poets have called her; but a being easily defined, +and not more nearly related to the angels than man. To the best of her +sex we attribute one natural weakness and one virtue--Curiosity and +Modesty. Everybody must allow this much. But why should we make such a +distinction between these two qualities? Let us trace them back to +their exemplar: + +Eve's curiosity was the first effect of her serpentine temptation. Was +it not? Well, that curiosity caused her to eat the forbidden fruit. +Having eaten it, and caused Adam to eat, she suddenly became possessed +of modesty, and made herself an apron of fig-leaves. It is but natural +to infer that her first blush was worn at the same time, though Milton +attributes blushes to the angels. As angels are immaterial beings, I +think Milton was mistaken. Now, if modesty, as well as curiosity, was +the result of Satanic temptation, why should one be called a weakness +and the other a virtue? Are not both the fruits of original sin? + +Woman's love is said to be stronger and more lasting than man's. Is it +so? Let us trace it back to its beginning: + +Eve's love for Adam did not prevent her fall. She met the Prince of +Darkness and listened to his blandishments, as too many ladies of the +present time prefer the society of bogus courtiers to that of their +Adams of husbands. She forever disgraced Adam, herself, and her future +family, just to please the tempter. Was this a proof the depth and +vitality of Woman's love? And Adam? Why, rather than refuse any request +of the woman he loved, however extravagant, he voluntarily shared in +her ruin, and courted the curse of her fall. Did this prove that Man's +love is weaker and shorter-lived than Woman's? + +Now, I should like to see some one impudent enough to assert that Eve +was more curious, or less modest, or more fickle than are the best of +her female descendants. Such impudence is not compatible with the +present position of civilization. Then, as Eve was the great exemplar +of her sex in Modesty and Fidelity as well as Curiosity, it follows +that Woman's Modesty is the result of inherited sin, and her Fidelity +in Love no greater than Man's. + +Alas! for the "angels" of the poets, my boy. Prove that her Modesty and +Love are anything but heavenly, and what remains to make Woman angelic? + +I could honor, love, and might obey the Best of Her Sex; but I shall +never worship her. She is not a Deity--only a Woman. I believe that God +intends each woman for a wife; yet six marriages out of every dozen are +unhappy ones. And what is the reason? Simply this: + +Before marriage, man generally accepts one of the two poetical theories +respecting Woman. He either supposes her to be an angel, purer and more +elevated in her nature than he in his; or gloats over her as a delicate +morsel prepared for his special delectation by the gods. In either +case, he finds out his mistake when it is too late to rectify it, and +his disappointment is but the refinement of disgust. He either +discovers that woman is only a human being, and very much like himself +by nature; or that constant familiarity with her brings her down to the +level of a man in his estimation. There is but one possibility of +escape from disappointment in either case; the death of husband or wife +within a year of the wedding day! + +Husbands and wives, have I spoken truly? + +But there are exceptions to every rule. Some men marry women for the +sake of having homes of their own; others, for money; still others, +because it is the fashion. The man who marries for a comfortable home +often gets what he desired, and is contented; the mercenary husband is +likely to do and feel the same; the fashionable husband generally cuts +his throat. These exceptions do not break the rule. + +It may be asked: Why do widowers so often marry again, if they were so +disappointed in their first wives? My boy, you are no philosopher. How +many men have learned wisdom by experience? Only a few, and they are +all dead. If a sailor is shipwrecked, and nearly killed on his first +voyage, does he forsake the sea forever after? If a man buys an image +supposed to be made of marble, and discovers that it is plaster, does +he never buy another image? Because you and your neighbors chance to +buy a barrel of bad eggs, are you satisfied that good ones are not to +be had? + +An enthusiastic young man marries a girl whom he supposes to be an +"angel." A year passes, and he mourns over his mistake. A few more roll +away, and she dies. Does the widower profit by his experience? No! He +says to himself: "My late wife was not an 'angel;' but that sweet girl +I saw yesterday certainly is. She is entirely different from my late +wife." Well, he marries angel No. 2. She proves to be No. 1 in a +different dress. + +A tropical young man is infatuated with the physical beauty of a girl, +and marries her with the idea that he will never weary of looking at +her. A year passes, and he is heartily tired of her. She dies. Does the +widower profit by his experience? No! He says to himself: "I was +wearied of my late wife because her hair, eyes and complexion were the +same as mine. Physiologists say that opposites are necessary to +matrimonial bliss. There is Miss ----, with her hair, eyes and +complexion, in direct antithesis with mine. I am _sure_ I should never +weary of her!" He marries her. And tires of her. + +Do you see, my boy? + +And now to remedy this evil: Let us look upon woman as she is. If an +"angel" with golden hair, snowy complexion, pearly teeth, heaven blue +eyes, and no appetite, sounds better in poetry than a true woman, with +auburn hair, fair complexion, clean teeth, and nice blue eyes, why, let +the poets rant about "angels." But poetry has nothing to do with so +practical an event as marriage, and its "angels" will not do for wives. +A man cannot be guilty of a more absurd and unprovoked piece of +injustice, than that of persisting in believing his bride more of an +angel than human. He might as well go to a jeweller's, and insist upon +buying a pearl for a diamond, when the certain result of such folly +would be his denunciation of the pearl as a swindle, when time +convinced him of its real character. No true woman desires to be looked +upon as an "angel," nor to have her beauty valued as a joy imperishable. + +It is very common for women to lament the indifference of husbands who +were the most attentive and obedient of lovers. I have explained the +cause of the defection. + +To secure happiness--or contentment, at least--in the marriage state, +we must regard woman as our equal by nature, whatever superiority or +inferiority she may possess by virtue of her mental or social +education. We must not look _up_ to her, nor _down_ upon her, but +straight _at_ her. We must not base our love for her upon supposed +angelic qualities. If we desire to make her happy, and be happy +ourselves, we must recognize her human origin in common with our own, +and accept her physical inferiority as security for the continuance of +our own love in all its normal strength. + +Of course there are grades in human nature. Some natures are more +refined than others, from the effects of their surroundings and +education. But the lover should recognize no degree higher than his own +when he selects his mistress. Then, if hers proves higher than his, +after marriage, he is delighted; if the same as his, he is satisfied. +But suppose it should prove lower than his? Such a supposition is +untenable in a marriage of mutual affection. A superior nature will +never gravitate to an inferior one by the attraction of real love. +There must be a natural sympathy; and sympathy is the rock upon which +all true love is founded. + +Love never yet blended incompatible natures in marriage. Money often +does--brute-insanity sometimes. + +You have probably concluded, by this time, my boy, that my ideas of the +true Woman and Monsieur Michelet's views of "La Femme" are decidedly at +variance. + +I have sufficient faith in the good sense of Woman to believe that she +will give preference to my doctrine. If so, she will not translate "La +Femme" as "Woman," but as "grisette," "lorette," or "camelia lady." To +christen such a work "Woman," is to lay a snare for the Best of Her +Sex, and catch the Weakest in it. The female who allows it to affect +her may possibly make "a neatly-shod grisette," but never a good wife. + +It may be asked why I have made "Woman" the subject of this letter, and +why I have adopted such a Frenchy style? + +Simply because there is no subject less understood, my boy, by the +generality of young mankind; and because I deem it best to practice the +doctrine of _similia similibus curantur_ (in style) while quarreling +with Monsieur Michelet. + + Yours, sentimentally, + ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + LETTER LXVII. + + GIVING ASSURANCE OF THE UNMITIGATED SAFETY OF THE CAPITAL, + EXEMPLIFYING COLONEL WOBINSON's DRAFTING EXPERIENCE, AND + NARRATING A GREAT METAPHYSICAL VICTORY. + + + WASHINGTON, D. C., September 5th, 1862. + +Everything is confident and buoyant here, my boy, a sense that the +President is an honest man, inspiring confidence on every side, and +surrounding the Government with well-known confidence men. The repeated +safety of the Capital, indeed, has even inspired the genius of New +England, as illustrated by a thoughtful Boston chap, with one of those +enlarged business ideas which will yet enable that section to betrade +the whole world. The thoughtful Boston chap has read all the war-news, +my boy, for the last six months, and as he happens to be a moral +manufacturer of burglar-proof safes, a happy pecuniary thought struck +him forcibly. After joining the church, to make sure of his morality +here, he came hither in haste, opened an establishment, read the +war-news once more, and then issued the following enterprising card: + + BUY THE CELEBRATED + WASHINGTON SAFE! + +Everybody thought it was the safe they'd read so much about in the +papers, my boy, and several hundreds were sold. + +There was another chap, named Burns, the inventor of a Family and +Military Gridiron, who noticed how the thoughtful Boston chap was +making money by the advertising necessities of our distracted country. +Having been born in Connecticut at a very early age, my boy, he was not +long in finding a way to make his own eternal fortune, after the same +meritorious manner. So he at once repaired to a liquor shop, to make +sure that a majority of our staff-officers would hear him, and then, +says he, in stentorian tones: + +"My sympathies are all with the Southern Confederacy, to whom I send +the weekly journals of romance on the day of publication. As to the +Union," says the Connecticut chap, hotly, "I have less confidence in it +than I have in my Patent Economical Family and Military Gridiron." + +He was immediately arrested for this seditious talk, my boy, and all +the reporters telegraphed an exciting dispatch to the reliable morning +journals: + +"_Exciting Affair--Arrest of an Influential Rebel!_--The celebrated Mr. +Burns has been arrested for publicly saying that he had more confidence +in his well-known and ingenious patent Economical Family and Military +Gridiron than he had in the Union. Upon hearing of his incarceration, +the most sanguine rebel sympathizers here admitted that the cause of +the South was lost forever." + +The Connecticut chap remained in custody until he had received four +hundred orders for gridirons, from private families and army-chaplains, +and then he explained that the words he had used were uttered in the +heat of passion, and he was, of course, honorably discharged from +prison, to make way for a shameless, aged miscreant just committed for +two years' hard labor, on suspicion of having discouraged enlistments +by asserting that, although he was too old to go to the war himself, he +intended to send a substitute. + +Simultaneously, all the reporters telegraphed again to the reliable +morning journals: + +"_The Burns Affair Settled!--Full Particulars of the Gridiron!_--Mr. +Burns, the celebrated inventor of the famous Patent Gridiron, has been +honorably discharged by order of the Secretary of War. His inimitable +Gridiron is destined to have an immense sale. + +"It cooks a beafsteak in such a manner that the appetite is fully +satisfied from merely looking at it, and the same steak will do for +breakfast next morning. This is a great saving. Persons having nothing +to eat find this Gridiron a great comfort, and hence the propriety of +introducing it in the army." + +The Gridirons are having a great sale, my boy, and it is believed that +the business interests of the country are being rapidly improved by the +war. + +Knowing that the Mackerel Brigade was making preparations to entrap the +Southern Confederacy at Molasses Junction, I ascended to the upper +gallery of my architectural steed, Pegasus, on Tuesday, in order that I +might not be unduly hurried on my journey. Taking Accomac on my way to +the battle-field, my boy, I called upon Colonel Wobert Wobinson, who is +superintending preparations for the draft there, and was witness to an +incident suitable to be recorded in profane history. + +The draft in Accomac, my boy, is positively to take place on the 11th +of September; but it is not believed that the enrollment can be +finished before the 15th; in which case, the draft must inevitably take +place on the 20th. In fact, the Judge-Advocate of the Accomac states +positively that the conscription will commence on the 1st of October; +and volunteering is so brisk that no draft may be required. At least, +such is the report of those best acquainted with the more decisive +plans of the War Department, which thinks of joining the Temperance +Society. + +The exempts were filing their papers of exemption with Colonel Wobert +Wobinson, my boy, and amongst them was one chap with a swelled eye, a +deranged neck-tie, and a hat that looked as though it might have been +used as an elephant's foot-bath. The chap came in with a heavy walk, +and says he: + +"Being a married man, war has no terror for me; but I am obliged to +exempt myself from military affairs on account of the cataract in my +eyes." + +Colonel Wobert Wobinson looked at him sympathizingly, and says he: "You +might possibly do for a major-general, my son, as it is blindness +principally that characterises a majority of our present major-generals +in the field; but fearing that your absence from home might cause a +prostration in the liquor business, I will accept your cataract as +valid." + +The poor chap sighed until he reached the first hiccup, and then says +he: "I wish I could cure this here cataract, which causes my eyes to +weep in the absence of all woe." + +"Do your orbs liquidate so freely?" says the Colonel, with the air of a +family physician. + +"Yes," says the poor chap, gloomily, "they are like two continual mill +streams." + +"Mill streams!" says Colonel Wobinson meditatively, "mill streams! Why, +then, you'd better dam your eyes." + +"I think, my boy, I say I _think_, that this kindly advice of Colonel +Wobert Wobinson's must have been misunderstood in some way; for an +instant departure of several piously-inclined recruits took place +precipitately, and the poor chap chuckled like a fiend. + +It is the great misfortune of our mother tongue, my boy, that words of +widely-different meanings have precisely the same sound, and in using +one you seem to be abusing another. + +Arriving near the celebrated Molasses Junction, where a number of +Mackerels were placing a number of new cars and locomotives on the +track--the object being to delude the Southern Confederacy into taking +a ride in them, when, it was believed, the aforesaid Confederacy would +speedily be destroyed by one of those "frightful accidents" without +which a day on any American railroad would be a perfect +anomaly--arriving there, I say, I took an immediate survey of the +appointed field of strife. + +To the inexperienced civilian eye, my boy, everything appeared to be in +a state of chaotic confusion, which nothing but the military genius of +our generals could make much worse. On all sides, my boy, I beheld the +Mackerel chaps marching and countermarching; falling back, retiring, +retreating, and making retrograde movements. Some were looking for +their regiments; some were insanely looking for their officers, as +though they did not know that the latter have resided permanently in +Washington ever since the war commenced; some were making calls on +others, and here and there might be seen squads of Confederates picking +up any little thing they might happen to find. + +Finding the general of the Mackerel Brigade lunching upon a bottle and +tumbler near me, I saluted him, and says I: + +"Tell me, my veteran, how it is that you permit the Southern +Confederacy to meander thus within your lines?" + +The general looked toleratingly at me, and says he; + +"I have a plan to entrap the Confederacy, and end this doomed rebellion +at one stroke. Do you mark that long train of army wagons down there +near my quarters?" + +"Yes," says I, nervously. + +"Well, then, my nice little boy," says the general, cautiously, "I'll +tell you what the plan is. These wagons contain the rations of our +troops. It is my purpose to induce the celebrated Confederacy to +capture these wagons and attempt to eat those rations. If the +Confederacy will only do that," says the general, fiercely, "it will be +taken sick on the spot, and we shall capture it alive." + +I could not but feel shocked at this inhuman artifice, my boy. The +Southerners have indeed acted in away to forfeit all ordinary mercy, +but still, we should abstain from any retaliatory act savoring of +demoniac malignity. Our foes are at least human beings. + +Suppressing my horror, however, I assumed a practical aspect, and says +I: + +"But how are the Mackerel warriors to subsist, my Napoleon, if you +allow the rations to go?" + +"Thunder!" says the general, handing me a paper from his pocket. "They +are to subsist exclusively on the enemy. Just peruse this document, +which I have just fulminated." + +Taking the paper, I found it to be the following + + PROCLAMATION. + +Whereas, The matter of provisions is a great expense to the United +States of America, besides offering inducements for unexpected raids on +the part of the famishing foeman; the Mackerel Brigade is hereby +directed to live entirely upon the Southern Confederacy, eating him +alive wherever found, and partaking of no other food. + +The Brigade will not be permitted to take any clothing with it on the +march, being required henceforth to dress exclusively in the +habiliments of captured Confederacies. + +We have done with retrograde movements. No more lines of retreat will +be kept open, and henceforth the Mackerel Brigade is to make nothing +but great captures. + + By order of + THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE. + [Green Seal.] + +This able document, my boy, pleased me greatly as an evidence that the +war had indeed commenced in earnest; and though at that moment, I +beheld some half a dozen Confederacies ransacking the tent where the +general kept his mortgages, his bank account, and other Government +property, I felt that our foes were about to be summarily dealt with at +last. + +An orderly having finally given notice to the Confederacies rummaging +within our lines to get to their proper places, in order that the +battle might begin, the Anatomical Cavalry, under Captain Samyule +Sa-mith, made a headlong charge upon a body of foes who were destroying +a bridge near the middle of the field, and succeeded in obliging them +to remain there. This brilliant movement was the signal for a general +engagement, and a regiment of Confederacies at once advanced within our +lines and inquired the way to Washington. + +Having given them the desired information, and allowed a number of +other similar regiments to take a position between the Mackerels and +the capital, the general gave orders for the Conic Section and the +Orange County Howitzers to fall cautiously back, in order that the +remaining Confederacies might get between us and Richmond. + +You will perceive that by this movement, my boy, we cut the enemy's +force completely in two, thus compelling him to attack us either in the +front or in the rear, and giving him no choice of any other operation +save flank movements. Our plans being thus perfected, Captain Villiam +Brown, with Company 3, Regiment 5, was ordered to charge into a wood +near at hand, with a view to induce some recently-arrived reserve +Confederacies to take position in our centre, while still others would +be likely to flank us on the right and left. + +You may remember, my boy, that it has heretofore been our misfortune to +fight on the circumference of a circle, while the Confederacy had the +inside, and this great strategic scheme was intended to produce a +result _vice versa_. + +It was a great success, my boy--a great success; and our troops +presently found themselves inside the most complete circle on record. +Villiam Brown not only charged into the wood, but staid there; and when +one of the Orange County Howitzers was discharged with great precision +at a reporter who was caught sneaking into our lines, the report was +heard by the Venerable Gammon at Washington, causing that revered man +to telegraph to all the papers, that no one need feel alarmed, as he +was perfectly safe, and that our victory was very complete. + +What particular danger the Venerable Gammon had incurred, I can't say, +my boy; nor what he knew about the battle; but his dispatch caused +renewed confidence all over the country, and was a great comfort to his +friends. + +Having got the Confederacies just where he wanted them, the General of +the Mackerel Brigade now dispatched ten veterans under Sergeant O'Pake +to attack a few hundred foes who had intrenched themselves in an +unseemly manner right among our wagons. The Mackerels were well +received as prisoners of war, and paroled on the spot; a proceeding +which so greatly pleased the idolized general, that he at once issued +this second + + PROCLAMATION. + +It must be understood, that in his recent proclamation directing the +Mackerel Brigade to dine exclusively upon Southern Confederacies, the +general commanding did not intend that such dining should take place +without the free consent of aforesaid Confederacies. + +It must not be understood that the order concerning the confiscation of +Confederate garments is intended to authorize a forcible confiscation +of such costume, in opposition to the free will of the wearers. + +By "no lines of retreat being kept open," is meant: no lines of which +the general commanding was at that time cognizant. + + THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE. + +This admirable order, my boy, produced great enthusiasm in the ranks, +as no Confederacies had yet been caught, and there was some danger of +starvation in the _corps_. + +And now, my boy, occurred that magnificent piece of generalship which +is destined to live forever on the annals of fame, and convince the +world that our military leaders possess a genius eminently fitting +every one of them for the next Presidency, or any other peaceful +office. By skillful manoeuvring, the gifted General of the Mackerel +Brigade had succeeded in cutting the enemy's force to pieces, the +pieces being mixed up with our own army. Then came the words: "Forward, +double-quick!" + +Facing toward Washington, our vanguard forced the Confederacies before +them to move right ahead. Swiftly following the vanguard, and evidently +fancying that it was flying before them, came a regiment of +Confederacies. Pursuing the latter, as though in triumph, appeared the +Conic Section, Mackerel Brigade; closely succeeded in its turn by a +regiment of Confederacies in charge of our baggage-wagons; racing after +whom was a regiment of Mackerels; and so on to the end of the line. + +You may ask me, my boy, with which side rested the victory in this +remarkable movement? + +That question, my boy, cannot be decided yet, as the whole procession +has scarcely reached Washington; but the answer may be said to depend +very much upon whether the last regiment coming in is Mackerel or +Confederate. + +The contest, my boy, has assumed a profound metaphysical aspect, and +the development of a little more military genius on our own side will +tend to utterly confound our enemies and--everybody else. + + Yours, ponderingly, + ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + LETTER LXVIII. + + INTRODUCING ONCE MORE THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB, WITH A CURIOUS + "LAMENT," AND A STORY FROM THE SPANISH MEMBER. + + + WASHINGTON, D. C., September 9th, 1862. + +You may remember, my boy, that some months ago there was a trespass of +depraved burglarious chaps at Wheatland, the seat of Ex-President +Buchanan. The matter might have slipped my own mind, had not the +British member of the Cosmopolitan, last night, read aloud the +following memorandum of the thing, found in a deserted Confederate camp +on the Rappahannock. The Briton waved his hand for silence, and says he: + + LAMENT. + + BY A CHEVALIER D'INDUSTRIE + + It really seems as if the trick + Of this here game, secession, + Was bound to bring disgrace upon + Each wirtuous profession. + + The days of chivalry are gone, + When gentlemen wos plucky, + And sooner'd starve than lower themselves + To make their swag and lucky. + + Why, when I wos a little prig, + And took the junior branches, + We all looked down upon the chap + That traveled vulgar ranches. + + It wos beneath a gentleman + To stoop to vulgar stealin's; + And when I see how things is changed, + It really hurts my feelin's. + + We had some dignity, you see, + And upper circles knew it; + For if a thing wos wicious mean, + We wos too proud to do it! + + The crib that wos respectable + Among the higher classes, + We cracked in style, like gentlemen. + And took the spoons and glasses. + + But when a crib wos something low-- + An author's, or a preacher's-- + We had too much of self-respect + To recognize the creatures. + + If taking watches wos the lay, + Or handkerchers, or purses, + We never noticed wulgar nobs, + Nor wictims of rewerses. + + But things is changed since Johnny died, + And our profession's fallen + So werry low, it really ain't + A gentlemanly callin'. + + There's some as once wos gentlemen + When cracksmen's art was balmy, + Now shame us all by fig'ring as + Contractors for the army! + + What wonder, when our former pal, + A vulgar, sneakin' knave is, + They hang our pictures in a row + With Floyd, and Cobb, and Davis? + + But just as if this wa'n't enough + To make us hide our faces, + A man we once look'd up to, all, + Must add to our disgraces; + + A base, degenerate, shameless cove + Has sullied our profession, + By stoopin' to a lay that is + Depraved beyond expression. + + He's activally come and went-- + The werry thought's unmannin'-- + He's activally gone and robbed + Ex-President Buchanan! + +Alas! my boy, there is naught so fallen in humanity, but it may become +still more depraved. I have known members of State Legislatures to be +finally elected Congressmen. After the above _chanson_ had been read, +the Spanish member gave us his story of + + + DON BOBADIL BANCO; + + OR, WHO OWNS THE BABY? + +"I always respect a man who drinks good Port, especially if he +frequently invites me to take dinner with him, and hence I have +selected as my hero, a gallant Spaniard, whose fondness for the +delicious juice was never doubted. + +"Don Bobadil Banco was a gentleman of good family, who graduated with +honor at Salamanca, and retired from thence to Madrid, in company with +a fellow student named Don Philip Funesca. The erudite pair hired +lodgings in an aristocratic part of the city, and after much delay, +installed one Dame Margy as their housekeeper, cook, and chambermaid, +being resolved to husband their scanty resources until, by coming of +age, they could inherit the estates and fortunes of their fathers. + +"It is to be presumed that the friends entered society and made +consummate fools of themselves, as very young men generally do when +they first mingle with ladies; but as that period of their career can +possess very little novelty for most people, I shall only favor it with +this passing notice, and at once introduce the gallant pair as they +appeared on the ---- night, in the month of ----, in the year of our +Lord ----, at -- o'clock. + +"In a very small room, before a very small window, was standing a very +small table, at the side of which were two very shabby chairs, on which +were seated two very young men; and as it was growing very dark, two +very small candles, in two very small candlesticks, were placed on the +very small table, in company with two very small decanters, filled with +very cheap Port, and two very old goblets, of very dirty pewter. + +"The two very young men remained very still for a very long time, save +when they made very long applications to the very old goblets of very +cheap Port; and as you must be very anxious to know whether these very +young men were very ugly or very good looking, I shall be very happy to +profit by this very opportune state of things, and give a very concise +description of their personal charms. + +"Don Bobadil was very tall, very thin, with very long black hair, very +small black eyes; very yellow complexion, very good teeth, and was +dressed very foppishly. + +"Don Philip was very short, very fat, with very long brown hair, very +large brown eyes, very fair complexion, very large mouth, and was +plainly attired. + +"They both looked very happy, and drank very often. + +"'Well, Philip,' said Bobadil, at length, 'a bachelor's life, in +Madrid, is not quite so charming as in Salamanca; upon my word I have +almost become a limb of society, and it will prove a sad dismemberment +when I go to my father's villa. These gay senoritas have so completely +infatuated me, that I am never happy out of their company, and when I +think of leaving them altogether, it makes me really miserable,' and +the Don consoled himself with a huge swallow of wine. + +"'I perfectly agree with you,' answered Don Philip, 'and dread the idea +of leaving the dear charmers without making one of them a prisoner.' + +"'We must have more gold soon,' said Bobadil, gloomily, taking a goblet +of Port. + +"'You speak truly, my friend. Our purses are growing very light, and +nothing but wealthy wives will make them heavy. How unjust is the +decree that makes us wait until we are older before we can help +ourselves to the treasures of our families. Here are nearly thirty +hairs upon my chin, and yet the grim old hidalgoes call me a boy yet. +Sancta Maria! I should like to cross swords with some of those shaking +grandees, just to convince them that I have the strength of a man, if I +have not his years.' + +"'The wish is perfectly natural, Don Philip, yet it can do us no good +at present, when our last flagons of wine stand before us, and Dame +Margy grows clamorous for her dues,' said Bobadil, imbibing large +draughts of grape juice. + +"'_O, beatissimo, neustra Senora!_ Don't dwell on unpleasant facts, Don +Bobadil,' responded the other; 'we must replenish our treasures, and +the means to do it should be our present consideration. We must marry +stores of maravedis.' + +"'That is coming to the point, my dear friend, and your words are +worthy of a sage; but, my dear Philip, to tell the truth, I dread +marriage for one reason, namely: that, by engaging in it, one becomes +liable to incur responsibilities known as babies. I do hate those noisy +little nuisances as I hate the devil, and, to have one constantly +squalling in my ears, would soon make a madman of me,' and our hero +drank heartily of liquor. + +"'I will allow the truth of what you say,' replied Philip; 'the cry of +an infant is not quite as musical as the harp of Orpheus. Still, it is +better to endure such annoyance than to go about with empty purses, and +when one who is poor desires to have money, he must endure matrimony, +or become a rogue. Now there is Lisette, ready to fall into my arms at +any moment, and bring me a long purse; but I will never leave you a +bachelor, though I starve.' + +"Tears arose involuntarily to the eyes of Bobadil, as his friend spoke +thus disinterestedly, and, after holding a cup of wine to his lips for +some moments, he answered: + +"'My dear fellow, you are a sage and I am a fool. You shall not starve +for me though I have to become the father of five hundred little imps +to save you. Yes, dear Philip, I will sacrifice myself upon the altar +of friendship, and become a victim of Hymen.' Here the emotions of the +Spaniard became so violent that a large quantity of Port wine was +necessary to prevent syncope. + +"Don Philip started from his seat, and eyed his friend with every mark +of unbounded surprise. + +"'Can you do it soon?' he asked hurriedly. + +"'Before another pair of days have shown their tails above the tide of +time,' answered Bobadil with poetic fervor, having recourse to the +decanter containing Port. + +"'My dear friend, you must be drunk.' + +"'No, Don Philip, I am sober as a monument.' + +"'Has some fair sonora smiled upon you?' + +"'Not only has she smiled upon me, but she has actually laughed at me. +Port would never intoxicate me.' + +"'_Per Dio!_ I never heard of this before, Bobadil.' + +"'Nevertheless, Don Philip, it is true as a _pater_. My pride would not +allow me to mention my case to you, until I became successful in my +suit; and when that was decided, I waited until you should be similarly +circumstanced, and we might marry together. Your frequent absence from +our lodgings, at night, aroused my suspicions, and I resolved to find +out your secret before imparting mine. Now that you have named your +mistress, I will acknowledge that I, also, have one, whose name is +Leonora, and I intend to make her my wife, when you lead Lisette to the +altar.' + +"'I am rejoiced to hear you speak thus,' answered Don Philip, 'and +Lisette will partake of my joy; but, tell me, Bobadil, will you gain +wealth by this union?' + +"'Gold enough to build a second Escurial, my dear Philip. Leonora is +the daughter of a rich Jew, and can show more maravedis than the +Infanta of Spain.' + +"'Better and better. But how is it that her father will allow her to +wed a Catholic?' inquired Philip. + +"'He is not to be consulted in the matter at all. I may as well relate +the circumstances of our acquaintance, and you will at once perceive +that the Israelite's consent is not required. Two weeks ago, I was +passing a small house not far from the Plaza del Rio, and, chancing to +look up, beheld the face of a beautiful Senora looking from a window. +Our glances met, whereupon she drew back with a blush, and I gallantly +kissed the tip of my glove. Although she immediately drew shut the +lattice, I fancied, from her look, that she was not displeased with my +conduct, and set about finding out who she was. I soon ascertained that +her father was a rich Jew, named Miguel, that his wife was dead, and +that he lived with his daughter and a wrinkled duenna, whom he had +enlisted to watch Leonora. Much as I despise Jews, the beauty of +Leonora had sunk into my heart, and I resolved to have an interview +with her, though our most Holy Church, should excommunicate me for it. +Accordingly, I passed the house every day for a week, and each time the +lady withdrew from the window with a blush, as I saluted her. This +encouraged me to scrape acquaintance with the pythoness who guarded +her, and by means of several small bribes, I was at length admitted to +a private interview with Leonora. My idol was coy at first, but after +one or two stolen visits, she returned my passion in an honorable way, +and will become my bride whenever it may please me to carry her off +from her old thief of a father.' + +"'But the Jew has all the gold,' said Don Philip, despondingly. + +"'Not so,' replied Bobadil. 'My angel has a fortune of her own locked +up in a trunk, and I shall take good care to secure it in the first +place.' + +"His friend's countenance was lighted by a smile, but it passed away as +he again spoke-- + +"'Our priests will never consent to your marriage with a Jewess.' + +"'What an owl you are,' retorted Don Bobadil; 'Leonora shall pass for +as good a Catholic as the Pope himself.' + +"'My dear friend, you delight me!' exclaimed Don Philip, springing from +his seat and embracing Bobadil; 'let us then make ourselves and our +mistresses happy at once--this very night! You can go after Leonora +while I seek Lisette.' + +"Our hero found it necessary to take a drink of something after this +proposition, and then responded: + +"'Spoken like a Spaniard and a gentleman; I will go to the house of +Miguel and bring the trunk of treasure from thence--that, you know, +should be secured first. After bringing it hither I will go back after +Leonora, and when next we meet I shall be a married man.' + +"'Do so, Don Bobadil,' returned Philip, 'and I will, in like manner, +gain the fortune and hand of Lisette. Let us hasten, my friend, and we +shall be independently wealthy before morning.' + +"Together they drank the remainder of the wine, and having given +certain orders to Dame Margy, left the house, each taking a different +route. + +"It rained in torrents, when my hero wrapped his long cloak about him +and set out. The tormenting drops ran the length of his nose and poured +into his bosom, they crawled damply down his boots, they trickled +grievously into his ears, they clung to his long black hair, and soaked +through his sombrero; yet did the brave Spaniard press onward, as a +hero advances to the breastworks amid a storm of shot and shells. Love +had cast its thickest blanket about his heart, and a flame burned +glaringly there that nothing but matrimony and maravedis could quench. +Arriving in front of his mistress's abode, my hero picked up a handful +of sand, and threw it lightly against a window pane, such being the +signal by which he was to make known his presence when Miguel was at +home. Almost immediately a lattice was opened, and a woman's head, +ornamented with a scarlet cap _de nuit_ was thrust out. + +"'Who's that?' demanded the duenna, snappishly. + +"'It's only me,' responded Don Bobadil, in low tones. + +"'And who's _me_?' asked the amiable woman. + +"'Don Bobadil Banco.' + +"'Don Bobadil Banco had better go home, if he don't want to have his +head broken with a flowerpot,' snarled the duenna. + +"'Now, my dear Laura.' + +"'Don't 'dear' me! Are you drunk?' + +"'I must see Donna Leonora,' said Bobadil. + +"'You _are_ drunk!' screamed the lady. + +"'No, I am not; but, pray, make less noise, my good Laura, or you will +have the alguazils about my ears. Tell your lady that I am here, and +you shall have a purse of ducats.' + +"'Oh! ah! I will,' replied the mercenary woman, retiring quickly from +the window and again closing the lattice. + +"The adventurous Spaniard stood in soak for half an hour, at the end of +which Dame Laura, cautiously admitted him at the door, and he soon +knelt before his mistress. Donna Leonora was a charming little +brunette, with raven curls and sparkling black eyes full of mirth. + +"'Sancta Maria! what is the matter, Don Bobadil?' she exclaimed, eyeing +the kneeling personage with surprise. + +"'Dearest Leonora, idol of my heart!' replied Bobadil, clasping her +waist, 'here on my knees let me implore you to become mine forever, and +make me happier than the angels. Recent events, which I cannot explain +at present, have rendered it necessary for me to thus intrude upon you +at an unseasonable hour, and implore that your promise to become my +bride may be at once fulfilled.' + +"'But this is so sudden,' murmured the lady. + +"'Pardon my haste, dear Leonora,' answered Don Bobadil. 'I know how +exquisitely sensitive your nature is; but heaven destined us for each +other, and when I leave you, I leave a part of myself.' + +"'The gentleman speaks wisely,' interrupted the duenna. 'Your father +has smoked his opium and will sleep until after meridian to-morrow. Go +with Don Bobadil, Senora, and Miguel shall learn all from me when he +awakes.' + +"Leonora resisted for awhile; but her objections were speedily +overcome, and she at length yielded to the combined entreaties of her +lover, and subtle reasoning of her mercenary duenna. Such is love. + +"'Here is a load for you, Senor,' said the latter personage, pointing +to a chest studded with brass nails that stood near. 'Carry it off as +quickly as possible, and return for your mistress when you have placed +her fortune in a safe place.' + +"Our hero at once acceded to plans so consonant with his own, and after +embracing the Senorita, he seized the chest and hastened with it to his +lodgings. It was a heavy load for one man, and the rain still poured +furiously down; but the lover danced on like a feather before the +vagrant zephyrs of spring, and soon deposited his precious freight in +the room where he had lately held converse with Don Philip. This done, +he hastened back to the house of Don Miguel, impatient to secure his +fair bride; but Dame Laura met him at the door, with her fingers +pressed upon her lips, and her form barring his further progress. + +"'Hist! not a word!' she whispered cautiously. 'The Jew was aroused by +the noise you made descending the stairs, and would not be satisfied +until he had searched the house with a candle in one hand and a drawn +sword in the other. He is quiet now, and if not again disturbed, will +soon sleep again. Return to your lodgings, and when Miguel slumbers, I +will hasten thither with my lady. Not a word! Go!' + +"Conquering his impatience, Don Bobadil thrust a purse of slim +proportions into the bony hand of his confidante, and turned into the +street without breathing a syllable. + +"As he ascended the stairs to his own room, the sound of voices fell +upon his ear, and fearing for the safety of his treasure, he rushed +headlong into the apartment with his sword drawn and a determination to +slaughter the intruders. His anger was soon turned to pleasure, when he +beheld Don Philip seated beside a very pretty female, whose hands he +held in his own, and whose ringletted head rested upon his shoulder, +with an air of familiarity that would have been the death of any old +maid, whose sight could have been blighted by such a scene. He also +noticed a chest somewhat smaller than the one he had obtained by right +of seizure, standing near the window, and felt doubly happy in the +conviction that his friend had brought home something more substantial +than a wife. + +"'Lisette, this is my friend, Don Bobadil Banco,' said Don Philip, +leading the lady forward and presenting her. 'This, Don Bobadil, is my +wife, and though she has no proud title, I shall be proud to present +her to my family as one worthy of a gentleman's affection.' + +"'My dear Philip, allow me to congratulate you on the possession of a +lady, who, if her virtue equals her beauty, must indeed be an angel,' +and our hero bowed with his accustomed courtesy to the blushing +Senorita. + +"'But where is the mistress, of whom you boasted a short time since?' +asked Philip, glancing towards the door, as though expecting to behold +a fourth person. 'I supposed that I should find her here with a priest.' + +"'The Jew took me for a thief, and woke up, or Donna Leonora would be +here now. But her duenna has promised to bring her hither soon and we +must have patience.' + +"'Then take a seat, Don Bobadil, and I will relate the manner in which +I became possessed of Lisette, for I know you are dying to hear it, +though your pride hides your curiosity. While we were at Salamanca, I +became acquainted with a poor orphan girl, who won my heart by her +beauty and virtuous conduct. Other students saw and admired her; but +their admiration was not such as honor sanctioned, and the girl left +the place, preferring a strange place with quiet, to a home in which +she was constantly subject to insult and annoyance. At the time I knew +not the reasons for her sudden departure, and it filled me with sorrow. +I hid my feelings from you, however, fearing that your disposition for +mirth might lead you to make a butt of me. I came hither with you, and +beheld many fair ladies, but to none did my heart incline, and the fair +orphan of Salamanca remained mistress of my thoughts. About a week +after our arrival in Madrid, you went to a ball one evening, leaving me +to comfort Dame Margy until you came back. Not much liking such +company, I strolled forth to the grand plazza and entered a theatre +with the crowd. Numerous familiar faces appeared in various parts of +the building, and while I went about to greet my friends, the play was +commenced. I believe I should not have looked upon the stage at all, so +busily was I engaged, had not the tones of a voice made me start back +in amazement, and look wildly toward the performers. Near the centre of +the stage, clad in the costume of her _role_, and bowing in a flowery +train, was a form and face that sent the blood hurtling through my +veins like molten lead. After standing like one petrified for some +moments, I suddenly quitted the boxes, and gained admittance behind the +scenes. I had not been mistaken; the orphan of Salamanca and the +actress of Madrid were one. I need not tell an ardent lover like +yourself the effect of such a meeting; it is sufficient to say, that +Lisette bade farewell to the stage, whither necessity had forced her, +and took from thence a liberal compensation. Such is the history of my +amour, Don Bobadil; and, as we each have caskets at hand, I propose +that we become acquainted with their contents.' + +"'Donna Leonora owns the one I brought hither, and it may displease her +should I open it,' answered our hero. + +"'Not at all, my friend; she is to be your wife before morning, and +what belongs to your wife belongs equally to you.' + +"'Oh! very well,' responded Bobadil. + +"'I will display the riches of Lisette first to encourage you, and you +may follow with the dowry of Senora Leonora,' said Don Philip, taking +off the lid of the second chest. + +"Our hero looked on in surprise, as his friend displayed its contents, +and his pride made him tremble, lest his own portion should prove less +costly. There were gorgeous robes, satin slippers, magnificent +ornaments of gold, sparkling brilliants, bracelets, necklaces, and +brooches, set with rubies, emeralds, and diamonds, a tiara sparkling +like a constellation of midnight stars, and an immense leather bag +filled with valuable coins. + +"'Why, Don Philip, you have all the riches of Indus here!' exclaimed +Don Bobadil, opening wide his eyes in astonishment. + +"'So much for your discrimination, Bobadil,' returned Philip. 'These +robes belong to an actress' wardrobe, and are more gaudy than valuable. +These rubies, emeralds, and diamonds are pieces of colored and crystal +glass, intended to dazzle unsophisticated eyes, but nearly worthless to +the jeweler; the gold setting is worth its weight in brass, and these +coins alone are genuine. But let us now look upon your dowry, my +friend, when, I doubt not, that we shall be made to wink by the glitter +of pure gems and true metal.' + +"As Don Bobadil listened to the explanations of his friend, his eyes +glistened, and at the conclusion he walked proudly towards his chest, +with a feeling of conscious superiority. + +"'I will not boast,' he said, haughtily; 'but Jews are not overfond of +tinsel, and my mistress's robes have not a value peculiar to the +dimly-lighted stage,' so saying, he threw back the cover of his +treasure casket. + +"A shade of disappointment rested upon his features at the first view, +but he disdained to give it utterance, and carelessly threw aside a +robe of cheap material, trimmed with imitation ermine. But, alas, the +next was a garment of scarlet, with bells attached to the skirt; then +one of green, with faded tinsel ornaments; another of white flannel, +with tarnished silver lace stars about the waist. + +"During this exhibition, Lisette was apparently endeavoring to swallow +her handkerchief, while Don Philip looked anxiously toward the ceiling, +as though its intricate pattern had suddenly become an object of +absorbing interest. + +"Sternly did Don Bobadil delve into his mine of female apparel, +expecting soon to strike a vein of monstrous diamonds with a mosaic of +gold. He reaches it at last! Yes, there it is! Mark his glance of pride +and exultation as he says: + +"'Don Philip, will you assist me? The Jew's ducats are very heavy, and +the bag containing them rather larger than a Senora's night-cap.' + +"Don Philip did as he was desired, when suddenly our hero dropped his +end of the bag, with a cry more piercing than that of an enraged hyena. +Oh shades of _Mater Money!_ _Por vida del diablo!_ The bag _moved_, +there came a cry, and there appeared in the opening of its leather +covering _the head of a baby_! + +"'Oh, Holy Virgin! Thunder and lightning! Fire! Murder! I'm lost, +tormented, tortured, cheated! Cruel Leonora! Infamous woman! d--d old +duenna!' roared the unhappy Bobadil, stamping and steaming like an +infuriated tea-pot. + +"'Be calm, my dear friend, I pray you be calm,' cried Don Philip, +vainly endeavoring to conquer his mirth, while Lisette rolled on the +floor in a paroxysm of laughter. + +"'Don't tell me to be calm!' bellowed Bobadil. 'Look there! My horror, +detestation, abhorrence--_a baby!_ Hear it squeal! I'll strangle the +cursed little fiend! Oh, oh, oh!--diablo!' + +"'You will arouse the neighborhood.' + +"'What do I care! I'm betrayed, swindled, ruined, seduced! Stab me, +shoot me, make a bloody corpse of me. Kill that baby, or I'll make your +wife an orphan!' + +"'What's all this?' asked Dame Margy, darting into the apartment and +holding up her hands in wild astonishment. + +"'Don't you hear it yell?' howled Bobadil, tearing out his hair by +handfulls. 'It's a baby!' + +"Dame Margy came very near fainting, and Lisette was obliged to go to +her assistance, while Don Philip approached his enraged friend and +succeeded in soothing him. + +"'Act like a man,' he said, 'and take measures to punish the +perpetrator of the infamous outrage. The baby is a poor innocent little +thing, and Lisette will attend to it. Lisette, look after the baby! +Now, Don Bobadil, repress your emotions.' + +"The retired actress obeyed her intended husband with alacrity, +assisted by Dame Margy, who was fully revived, and our hero burst into +tears. + +"'Oh, Philip!' he blubbered, 'miserable wretch, that I am, what shall I +do? That infamous woman will be here in a moment, and I know not how to +act. Oh! curse that baby!' + +"'Woman's wit shall aid you,' said the hitherto silent Lisette, after +whispering to Dame Margy, who immediately left the apartment. 'Don +Bobadil, you must assume the attire of your housekeeper, and leave +Philip and me to account for your supposed absence, when Donna Leonora +arrives.' + +"As she finished speaking, the old housekeeper returned with a +promiscuous assortment of female garments, and before our hero had time +to resist, he presented the appearance of a stout old lady. + +'Don't speak a word,' said Don Philip, placing an immense bonnet and +veil upon his head, 'you must pass for Dame Margy, and leave me to +settle with your cruel mistress.' + +"Though not quite satisfied with this arrangement, Don Bobadil accepted +in silence, especially as the sound of approaching footsteps fell upon +his ear, as they tumbled him to a distant seat. + +"Dame Margy fled through an opposite door just as two figures, deeply +veiled, entered the apartment. + +"'Holy Virgin! who has rifled my chest? And where is Don Bobadil?' +exclaimed Leonora, clasping her hands. + +"'Lady,' said Don Philip, advancing to meet her with much dignity, 'as +the friend of Don Bobadil Banco, it is my duty to inform you that he +has discovered ALL, and left Madrid forever.' + +"'All!' exclaimed the lady and duenna in a breath. + +"'Yes, senora, my friend hates babies!' + +"Like two agitated fawns, Leonora and her attendant dropped their veils +and sprang to the side of the chest. + +"'Why!--what--who has done this?' exclaimed the fair Jewess, quivering +like an aspen leaf. + +"'You, lady, can best answer that question.' + +"'It is false! My whole fortune was in that chest! I am cheated, +deceived, ruined!' + +"'Peace! infamous woman!' thundered Don Bobadil, no longer able to +restrain his rage, and darting toward her. But he stepped upon his +skirts, and pitched headlong to the floor. + +"'Do I dream?' murmured Leonora in affright. + +"'You do not,' screamed our hero, tucking his petticoats under his +arms, and tearing off the veil that concealed his face. 'Behold! false +one! behold! Don Bobadil Banco!' + +"'Dear Bobadil, you would not kill me?' + +"'No, Leonora, you shall live to repent of this. Take that wretched +baby to its father, or I will strangle it before your eyes.' + +"'By the God we all worship, I swear I never saw the child before!' +exclaimed Leonora, looking solemnly upward. + +"Her air of truthfulness carried conviction with it, and Bobadil stood +like one thunderstruck; but soon a new expression fell upon his +countenance, and he turned gravely to the duenna. + +"'Perhaps _you_ own the--the baby!' + +"'You're a nasty dirty beast!' retorted the chaste creature, rushing +from the room like a ricochetting shot. + +"'I can answer for the innocence of Laura,' said Leonora, calmly. + +"Rebuked by her dignified manner, our hero mentally exonerated her from +all blame; yet there was the baby, screaming lustily, and no other +valuables were found in the chest. + +"'Forgive me, if I have wronged you,' he said, penitently, 'I judged +too quickly; but then I took those gaudy robes from yonder chest, +and--_who owns the baby?_' + +"'I see how it is,' said Donna Leonora composedly, turning toward the +door, 'you have adopted this plan to rob me of the little fortune I +possessed. I would willingly incur a much greater loss to escape from +such a monster. Keep my gold, Don Bobadil, and say you become a better +man.' + +"Our hero stood motionless, involved in a maze of doubts and fears; and +the lady was about departing, when Lisette suddenly sprang forward, and +prevented her. + +"'Stop, lady!' she exclaimed, 'the trick has gone far enough--_I own +the baby!_' + +"'Lisette speaks truly, and _I am the baby's father!_' said Don Philip, +grasping the hand of our perplexed hero. + +"'Villain!' exclaimed Bobadil, feeling for his sword. + +"'Wretch!' screamed Leonora, feeling for her handkerchief. + +"'I humbly crave your mercy, until you have heard my story,' replied +Don Philip, coolly placing his arm about the waist of his Lisette. +'This lady,' he continued, 'is my _wife_, and has been such for two +years. I have kept my secret thus rigidly, that it should not reach the +ears of my family until I had arrived at man's estate; but when you +determined to take a wife I resolved to make you my confidant. While +you were at the house of Miguel to-night, I brought my wife and _baby_ +hither, wishing to surprise you at your return. I found your chest +filled with the riches I afterwards showed you as the property of an +actress, and prompted by a spirit of mirth, I exchanged its contents +for those of our own. Knowing your hostility to babies, I placed the +young _Bobadil_ in your casket also, and had you taken notice of small +things, you would have observed that I left the lid partly open. It's +only a reminiscence of college trickery, my dear Bobadil, and if it has +given offence, behold the culprit at your feet.' + +"The friendly smile of his friend and the imploring glance of Lisette, +completely overcame our hero's resentment, and he extended his hand in +all gentleness; then turning quickly to the silent, though smiling +Leonora, he fell at her feet, exclaiming: + +"'Dear lady, we are both victims of our friend's frolic, and there +should be no anger between us. I do dislike babies so much, that the +sight of one makes me desperate; but now that all is explained, I hope +you will forgive me.' + +"The lady smiled so encouragingly upon him, that he soon stood face to +face--I mean lips to lips--with her. + +"'Let us seek a priest,' said Don Philip, with solemnity. + +"How this proposition was received, may be assumed from the fact that +Dame Margy soon locked up an empty house. How Miguel the Jew conducted +when he awoke next morning; how the families of our friends received +the news of their scions' marriages, and how the young gentlemen felt +themselves, are matters not explained by history; but it is certain +that Don Bobadil and Don Philip were never again in want of ducats, and +it is also certain that if any one wished to see an angry man, he could +be gratified by eyeing the youngest Banco in a suspicious manner, and +asking in mysterious tones--'_Who owns the Baby?_'" + +At the conclusion of this exemplary Spanish tale, my boy, we +"adjourned" our slumbers to Willard's. + + Yours, drowsily, + ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + LETTER LXIX. + + ILLUSTRATING THE IMPERTURBABLE CALMNESS OF THE NATIONAL CAPITOL, + AND NOTING THE MEMORABLE INVASION OF ACCOMAC. + + + WASHINGTON, D. C., September 12th, 1862. + +As I sit looking out of my window, my boy, on the street below, and +notice how tranquilly all things are going on here, despite the +excitement of the time, a deep sense of satisfaction steals over me, +and the American Eagle of patriotic pride flaps his breezy pinions on +the oak tree of my heart. Though I have just been laughing myself +almost sick at the ludicrous manner in which my friend, the +Confederacy, has walked right straight into the cunning trap prepared +for his destruction by our own noble and profound generals, actually +hastening his own annihilation by rushing blindly through our lines, +and capturing the twenty or thirty artful villages, towns, and +garrisons left there for the express purpose of tempting him to his +dreadful doom--though I have just been splitting my sides over this +roaring case of ridiculous suicide, my boy, the city of Washington +still maintains its calmness! Ever conscious that conquer we must, for +our cause it is just, this city remains as placid as a summer dream; +nearly all the liquor-shops doing a good business through the day, and +the evening finding a majority of our army officers at their posts. + +Lamp-posts, my boy. + +There is something touchingly grand in the calmness of Washington under +such circumstances, and it reminds me of a pleasing little incident in +the Sixth Ward. + +There was a female millinery establishment on the third floor of a +building composed principally of stairs, fed with frequent small rooms, +and the expatriated French comtesse, who realized fashionable bonnets +there, used one of her windows to display her wares. At this window, my +boy, she always kept a young woman of much bloom and symmetry, with the +latest Style on her head, and an expression of unutterable smile on her +face. A young chap carrying a trumpet in the Fire Department happened +to notice that this angel of fashion was always at the window when he +went by; and as the thought that she particularly admired his personal +charms crept over him, he at once adopted the plan of passing by every +day, attired in the garments best calculated to render fire-going +manhood most beautiful to the eye. He donned a vest representing in +detail the Sydenham flower-show on a yellow ground, wore inexpressibles +representing innumerable black serpents ascending white columns, +assumed a neck-tie concentrating all the highest glories of the Aurora +Borealis, mounted two breast-pins and three studs torn from some +glass-house, and wore a hat that slanted on his head in an engaging and +intelligent manner. Day after day he passed before the millinery +establishment, my boy, still beholding the beloved object at the +window, and occasionally placing his hand upon his heart in such a way +as to show a large and gorgeous seal-ring containing the hair of a +fellow-fireman who had caught such a cold at a great fire that he died +some years after. "How cam she is!" says he to himself, "and she's as +pretty as ninety's new hose-carriage. It seems to me," says the young +chap to himself, stooping down to roll up the other leg of his +pants--"it seems to me that I never see anything so cam. She observes +my daily agoing and yet she don't so much as send somebody down to see +if there's any overcoats in the front entry." + +One day, my boy, a venerable Irish gentleman, keeping a boarding-house +and ice-cream saloon in the basement of the establishment, happened to +go to sleep on the stairs with a lighted camphene lamp in his hand, and +pretty soon the bells were ringing for a conflagration in that +district. Immediately our gallant firemen were on their way to the +spot; and having first gone through forty-two streets on the other side +of the city to wake the people up there and apprise them of their great +danger, reached the dreadful scene, and instantly began to extinguish +the flames by bringing all the furniture out of a house not more than +three blocks below. In the midst of these self-sacrificing efforts, a +form was seen to dart into the burning building like a spectre. It was +the enamored young chap who carried a trumpet in the department. He had +seen the beloved object sitting at the window, as usual, and was bent +upon saving her, even though he missed the exciting fight around the +corner. Reaching the millinery-room door, he could see the object +standing there in the midst of a sea of fire. "How cam she is," says +he. "Miss Milliner," says he, "don't you see you're all in a blaze?" +But still she stood at the window in all her calmness. The devoted +young chap turned to a fellow-fireman who was just then selecting two +spring bonnets and some ribbon for his wife, in order to save them from +the flames, and says he: "Jakey, what shall I do?" But Jakey was at +that time picking out some artificial flowers for his youngest +daughter, my boy, and made no answer. Unable to reach the devoted maid, +and rendered desperate by the thought that she must be asleep in the +midst of her danger, the frantic young chap madly hurled his trumpet at +her. It struck her, and actually _knocked her head off_! Horrified at +what he had done, the excited chap called himself a miserable wretch, +and was led out by the collar. It was Jakey who did this deed of +kindness, and says he: "What's the matter with you, my covey?" The poor +young chap wrung his hands, and says he: "I've killed her, Jakey, I've +killed her--and she so cam." Jakey took some tobacco, and then says he: +"Why, that was only a pasteboard gal, you poor devil." And so it was, +my boy--so it was; but the affair had such an effect upon the young +chap that he at once took to drinking, and when delirium tremens marked +him for its own, his last words were: "I've killed her, Jakey, I've +killed her--and she so cam." + +Washington, my boy, is "cam" in the midst of a conflagration. That is +to say, the Government is "cam," they say; and it may be doubted +whether it would be otherwise, even with its head knocked off. + +The other day, I paid another visit to the Mackerel camp across the +river, and was present at a meeting of officers called to debate upon +the propriety of presenting a sword to the beloved general, for his +heroism in the late great battle. Captain Samyule Sa-mith was in favor +of the presentation, and says he: "Our inimitable leader, which is the +admiration of everybody, richly deserves the blade in question. In the +thickest of that deadly fray, his coat-tails were torn entirely off by +a parrot shell." + +Captain Villiam Brown placed the bottle on the table again, and says he: + +"At which joint were the tails amputated, Samyule?" + +Samyule took a little more sugar with his, and says he: + +"Close to the buttons." + +"Ah!" says Villiam, "which way was the conqueror's face turned at the +time?" + +"I can't say," says Samyule; "but I don't see what that has to do with +it." + +"That's because you have a feeble intelleck, Samyule," says Villiam, +mildly. "The human form," says Villiam, reasoningly, "has such +variations of surface, that a projectile hurled at it in a straight +line, cannot simply graze it to any extent without making a wound in +some place. The coat-tails of the human form," says Villiam, lucidly, +"could not without injury to that form be severed at the buttons by a +ball, unless they were _sticking straight out_ at the instant; and it +is important that the United States of America should know whether the +face of the wearer was turned toward the Southern Confederacy, or in an +opposite direction, at the exact moment of the disaster." + +The electrifying wisdom of this thoughtful speech, my boy, had the +effect to produce an immediate adjournment of the general's friends; +for when the test of anatomy is applied to a man's bravery, that +bravery becomes a mere matter of form. + +The general, my boy, is the idol of his Mackerel children, and as our +armies slowly advance to deal the death-blow to this impious rebellion, +it will be proved that he was not responsible for a single one of the +mistakes he has made, and could have taken Richmond long ago, but for +his inability to do so. Heaven forgive these Jacobin black-republicans +who object to his being President in 1865! This is the prayer of twenty +millions of free white men under the Constitution, as was very justly +observed to me by a political chap from New Haven last week. On +Tuesday, the Mackerel Brigade was on the outskirts of Accomac--Company +3, Regiment 1, being sent ahead, under Colonel Wobert Wobinson, to +watch the movements of some regiments of Confederacies, who were +believed to be either there or in South Carolina. The advance-guard +stayed there two days, my boy, and then an orderly came riding in to +the general, with the request that he would immediately send +re-enforcements and provisions, as Company 3, Regiment 1, was in danger +of starvation and defeat, at short notice. + +The general ceased fanning himself for a moment, and says he to the +perspiring orderly: + +"I have heard your request, my child; but before I comply with it, I +wish to know what is the present political complexion of Colonel +Wobinson." + +The half-starved orderly clasped his thin hands together, and says he: + +"I don't know; but for God's sake, general, send us something to eat, +and some help, or not one of us can be saved." + +The general waved his hand magisterially, and says he: + +"That's very true. But I must first know what are the sentiments of +Colonel Wobinson on the negro question." + +The orderly might have responded, my boy, had he not fainted just then +from weakness. In pity for his comrades, orders were at once given for +the transportation of provisions, and re-enforcements to Company 3 +before the end of the month; and had the before mentioned Confederacies +delayed marching into Accomac until that time, I should not be obliged +now to chronicle another of those disasters to our arms, which the +traitorous harangues of Wendell Philips have so outrageously produced. + +If this war is to be prosecuted with vigor, my boy, we must repose +unlimited confidence in the ability of the Administration and of our +generals, resolutely frowning down all Jacobin demonstrations at home, +and suffering our leaders to be interfered with by no one but each +other. If we permit civilians to manage matters, the country will be +undone; but if, on the contrary, we trust everything to our generals, +the country will be "done"--brown. + +Luckily for us all, the occupation of Accomac by the celebrated +Southern Confederacy, is a part of the great plan of the General of the +Mackerel Brigade to end this rebellion in one crushing blow, and as +soon as the entire Confederacy shall have entered Accomac in safety, +the Mackerel Brigade will proceed to bag it. + +You don't see exactly how this is to be done, eh? + +There you go again, my boy! always meddling with what you don't +understand, and presuming, in your civilian imbecility, to doubt the +practicability--not to say the utility--of a covert invincibility, +rendering it a futility on the part of Southern agility to take for +weak debility what is really strategic facility, and bound, in its +great fertility of warlike inventibility and utter reliability, to turn +all the foe's agility to a final accountability, that shall cause him, +in future humility, to treat us, at least, with civility. + +Such, my boy, is the Mackerel plan, to a T. + +This strategy's like some plan for grain depending so much on a fall of +rain, that, in less than a week, should the drought remain, 'twould +ruin it altogether. It pondereth blindly whether or no the opposite +hosts will do so-and-so: and how it will end at last, you know, +dependeth upon the "whether". + + Yours, calmly, + ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + LETTER LXX. + + COMMENCING WITH HISTORICAL REFERENCE; RELATING THE EPISODE OF + SPURIOSO GRIMALDI, AND DETAILING THE LAMENTABLE FAILURE OF + CAPTAIN SAMYULE SA-MITH TO PERISH HEROICALLY. + + + WASHINGTON, D. C., September 20, 1862. + +I am in a star-spangled state of mind, my boy, in consequence of our +recent great victories, and would most respectfully request the +Governors of all the States to push forward re enforcements +immediately. Having rashly ventured into Accomac after forage and the +pursuit of happiness, the well-known Southern Confederacy is now +hemmed-in with much carnage, and finds itself hem'd and haw'd. The +South, the South, we love her still, no love than ours profounder; and, +having cornered her at last, we've thrown our arms around her. + +Let us rejoice together, my boy, over the victory that has brought new +lustre to our flag, and proceed to extract from history a few parallels +calculated to indicate that the United States of America are somewhat +superior to the ancients in the art of war. + +At the battle of Thermopylæ the heroic Greeks engaged in the conflict +with their foes to the number of some thousands, and as their foes also +prosecuted hostilities simultaneously, the result was a struggle +terminating in the discomfiture of the defeated party. _Omnium vincit +omnia._ At the siege of Troy, the Trojans became involved in active +warfare with the Greeks, the latter being the adversaries of their +opponents, and though either side used their weapons against the other +side, victory finally perched upon the banners of the conqueror, and +produced the general effect of _sic transit gloria mundi_. The Troy +_Tribune_ suppressed all mention of McClellan in its account of this +spirited affair. The dreadful struggle of Argentium was commenced by +the attack of one host upon its antagonists, and raged bitterly, until +a cessation of hostilities found the victors holding an advantage over +the defeated. Burnside's division was not engaged. In the awful affair +of Roncesvalles, the myrmidons of Charlemagne and the hirelings of +Spain committed a breach of the peace by prosecuting a mutual affray, +resulting in the overthrow of the legions which were principally +overcome, and an advantage for the brigades chiefly entitled to the +victory. _Nihil est nullus._ + +It will be perceived, my boy, that the army of the Potomac was engaged +in none of those celebrated contests, as they did not all take place in +the same week. We make much better time, my boy, than the ancients. + +I told you in my last, that the celebrated Southern Confederacy had +courted inevitable destruction by marching madly into Accomac at the +very moment when the victorious Mackerel Brigade was marching out--and +before I proceed further with the tale of invasion, I must pause to +relate the strange episode of Spurioso Grimaldi. + +Spurioso Grimaldi, my boy, superintended the emigration from Italy to +this country of a hand-organ that was banished for playing +revolutionary tunes some time ago, and on arriving upon our shores +proceeded immediately to don a red shirt, and plan revolutions for the +coming fall and winter seasons. Upon the breaking out of the war he +enlisted three volunteers under his banner from the chorus of the +Academy of Music; but it was not until the recent occupation of Accomac +that he attempted to put his first revolutionary scheme into operation. +Then, indeed, he armed his three divisions with three George Law +muskets, and having gained the borders of suffering Accomac, he issued +the following: + + PROCLAMATION. + +Accomackians! How are you to day? This is, indeed, a pleasant morning, +and the crops look well. Accomackians, arise! For years you have been +the terror of all strangers stopping at your hotels. The accommodations +you offer, taken into consideration with the prices you charge, are +sufficient to appal the world! Arise! Remember Waterloo, and Wagram, +and Bull Run, and other battles in which you took no active part. Now! +Right away! Hey? + + GRIMALDI. + +As the Union element still lives in Accomac, my boy, and wishes nothing +done to disturb the neighborhood, he could not but deem Mr. Grimaldi's +movement ill advised, and issued the following responsive + + PROCLAMATION. + +S. Grimaldi, at the head of an army of three equipped and disciplined +troops, calls the Accomackians to arms. This is scarcely the time for +such a call, and the army of liberation is scarcely adequate to the +enterprise proposed. Some disaster might occur should an army of three +equipped and disciplined troops attack a force of twenty thousand, +under Stonewall Jackson, at this present crisis. Therefore, let Accomac +rest in peace, and continue to keep a hotel. + + UNION L. LAMENT. + +These proceedings caused great excitement down at Paris and London, my +boy, and the excellent and independent journals of those places +proceeded at once to publish several yards of profound editorial on the +probable convulsion of the earth's surface, in consequence of S. +Grimaldi's revolutionary proceedings. + +"The entire habitable universe," said the Paris _Pitcher_, "appears on +the verge of terrible upheavings, and the army of S. Grimaldi seems +destined to work an entire change in the economy of the creation, and +oblige the North and South Poles to change places permanently." + +Not to be outdone, the London _Tumbler_ issued an extra, composed +entirely of auction advertisements and an excited editorial: "The black +cloud so long brooding over the shrinking countenance of upturned +nature seems at length prepared to vomit its horrid flames over the +entire surface of animated humanity. S. Grimaldi, who is now marching +on Accomac, is not unlikely to prove the instrument of this +earth-rending explosion. The unholy American rebellion dwindles to +insignificant nothingness in comparison with this terrible affair." + +So Grimaldi marshaled his three divisions, my boy, and having marched +upon Accomac, was promptly arrested by the police and incarcerated to +await an examination. So much for the episode of Spurioso Grimaldi. + +Turning from events which have a deeper interest for Europe than for +our own victorious but distracted country, let me cheer and improve +your mind, my boy, with some account of the recent glorious victories +around Accomac, wherein the fearless and unwounded Mackerel Brigade +acquired another coat of glory, making the third this season. + +It was Tuesday morn, when Captain Samyule Sa-mith of the advance guard, +having satisfied himself that the Brigade was about to achieve its +crowning victory, concluded that the time for expiring after the manner +of General Wolfe at Quebec had arrived at last. The battle had already +commenced, my boy, and a squad of evil-minded Confederacies were in +full retreat after the Mackerel pickets, when Samyule hastily fell upon +his back, and beckoned for the artist of Frank Leslie's Illustrated +paper, motioned for the nearest reporter to take out his note-book, +drew a lock of red hair from his bosom and kissed it, waved his left +hand feebly toward his country's standard, and, says he: "_Téte +d'Armée!_ I die for the old fla--" + +"Stop!" shrieked a Mackerel, dashing frantically to his side at this +instant. "The Anatomical Cavalry, which is ordered to charge the foe, +wishes to know if it shall take its horses along." + +Up sprang Samyule, and says he: + +"Tell the horsemen to take everything but their trunks with them, and +not to stay more than a week. I really believe," says Samyule in a +great passion--"I really believe the artillery will be wanting to know +next if they'd better load before firing." + +Just at this time, my boy, the Conic Section of the Mackerel Brigade, +under Captain Villiam Brown, came charging toward the spot with fixed +bayonets, their gallant leader waving his sword, Escalibar, over his +head, and calling on his troops to lead on to victory. Forward they +went like mad, rushing past us in swift fury, and composing the +heaviest visitation of red noses ever yet launched upon a foe. To be +sure, no foe was visible in the immediate line of their charge; but as +they happened to be going down a pretty steep hill at the time, it was +quite possible that they might meet some adversaries before they could +stop themselves. + +Fired by the sight, Captain Samyule Sa-mith flew to take command of a +company of Mackerels, who were busily firing their muskets at some +Confederacies not more than two miles distant; and having placed +himself at the head thereof, was about to proceed in pursuit of warlike +adventures, when he caught sight of a body of men, followed by another +body of men, moving along in the valley below him. + +"Hem!" says Samyule, ponderingly, "what is this sight mine eyes behold?" + +"Oh," says a sergeant beside him, "that's the No. 3 army of the +Confederacy, escorting some prisoners which they have just taken at +Harper's Ferry." + +Samyule regarded the spectacle attentively for a moment, and says he: +"Well, there's only one thing more I want to know about it. I want to +know," says Samyule thoughtfully, "which of them two bodies of infantry +is the army, and which is the prisoners?" + +Was there the tiniest, wee-ist, smallest fragment of sarcasm in his +speech? Find out for yourself, my boy--find out for yourself. + +It was shortly after this remark, and while the Orange County Howitzers +were raining a tempest of shot and shell at everything but the enemy, +that a small bit of shrapnell fell near Samyule's feet, and again +reminded him of his latter end. Noting that he was observed by those +around him, my boy, and that the surroundings of the scene were +picturesque, he uttered a hollow groan and fell prone to the earth. +Then picking up the bit of shrapnell, and laying it upon his heart, he +kicked once, and says he: + +"Is it almost morning, mother? Hurra for the old fla--" + +"Forward with Company 2, immediately," thundered a messenger who at +this moment came tearing to the spot. "The Confederacy has flanked the +Conic Section, and is trying to escape." + +Preferring to defer death itself rather than see his beloved country +outwitted by the rebels, Captain Samyule Sa-mith darted swiftly to his +feet at the word, and instantaneously led Company 2 down the hill at +double-quick. I followed him half-way, my boy, and then turned off into +a cross road, where I found Captain Villiam Brown striving to get a +portion of the devoted Conic Section into a straight line by ranging it +against a fence. Villiam ceased his labors when he saw me approaching, +and says he: + +"Here's conquering beings for you. Ah!" says Villiam, proudly, "I sent +these invincible beings on a bayonet charge just now, and they have all +come back without their muskets." + +"What did they do with them?" says I. + +"Left them sticking in the foe," says Villiam, exultingly. + +"Are you sure of that, my Alcibiades?" says I, skeptically. + +"Why," says Villiam, confidentially, "they didn't bring a single one +back with them, and of course they must have left them sticking into +the paralyzed Confederacies." + +If Villiam could draw a checque as easily as he can draw an inference, +my boy, he might paper the outside of the universe with ten dollar +bills and have enough fifties left to make a very deep border. + +Leaving the decimated _corps_ to reorganize, I hastened down the hill +again, and arrived at the bottom only to find a group of reporters and +Mackerels surrounding a manly prostrate form. Company 2 had just +succeeded in routing some Confederacies from a melon-patch, and Captain +Samyule Sa-mith was improving the opportunity to expire once more in an +affecting manner. + +Lifting his feeble head when he saw me, and pulling a small flag a +little further out of a side-pocket in his coat, the perishing warrior +smiled half way down his chin, and says he: + +"I still live! All hail to the old fla--" + +"One moment, if you please!" shouted Colonel Wobert Wobinson, breaking +through the group.--"Could you make it convenient to pay me that dollar +you owe me, Samyule?" + +Samyule arose deliberately to his feet again, my boy, wearing upon his +countenance the most awful expression I ever saw upon a human face. + +"Well," says Samyule, furiously, "I've tried to die for my country +three times to-day, and never got further than the old fla--! There is +such vulgarity in them which incessantly surrounds me," says Samyule, +bitterly, "that they won't even let me die in peace." + +Here a Mackerel chap sniffed differentially, and says he: "But you was +trying to die in war, capting." + +There was something so inhuman in the idea of a man making a joke on +such a serious occasion, as that, my boy, that the entire party was +struck dumb with horror; and one of the spectators retired +precipitately behind a tree, where I immediately heard him laughing +wildly with joy over the thought that it was not himself who had been +guilty of such a hideous enormity. + +It would be useless for me to spend more time in showing how the battle +raged to a victorious conclusion, leaving the Mackerel Brigade in +triumphant possession of the ground it occupied at the outset, and the +Confederacy rooted to the spot it held from the commencement. + +Scarcely had the strife been finished half an hour, when the popular +General of the Mackerel Brigade arrived to direct all the movements in +person, and to gain some knowledge of the victories he had just won. +Accompanying him was the political chap from New Haven, who at once +proceeded to congratulate the troops and address them on the subject of +the next election. + +"My brothers in arms," says he, with fond familiarity, "having done our +duty as patriots, let us proceed to ballot for President of the United +States in 1865. Need I say that our victorious general is the man?" + +Truly, my boy, we shall have little difficulty in selecting a chief +magistrate next term, when there is such a General longing for the +nomination. + + Yours, politically, + ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + LETTER LXXI. + + SHOWING HOW THE PRESIDENT AND THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE + ISSUED GREAT EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATIONS, AND HOW THE CHAPLAIN + WROTE A RADICAL POEM. + + + WASHINGTON, D. C., September 27th, 1862. + +"John Brown's body," which has been "marching on" for some time past, +my boy, being thus considerably in advance of our strictly +Constitutional Army, has at length made a great strategic movement, and +evoked the following promissory note from our Honest Old Abe: + + COLORLESS DOMICIL, Sept. 22d, 1862. + +"Ninety days after date I promise to pay the Southern Confederacy, or +order, the full amount of its deserts. + + "$ _Emancipation._ H. O. ABE." + +The morning after this little settlement was made, my boy, I met the +conservative Kentucky chap on Pennsylvania avenue, and was greatly +edified by his high-minded remarks on the subject. "Having recently +disposed of any attached contrabands to good advantage," says he, +sagely, "I am now deeply convinced that my brother-in-law, the Southern +Confederacy, has brought this dispensation upon himself. I have said +all along that it would be so at last," says the genial Kentucky chap, +casting another glance at the score of a recent game of Euchre which he +held in his hand. "I have said all along that it would be so at last, +and I am still disposed to sustain the Administration and crush the +Black Republicans." + +When I remembered the sentiments held by this accommodating chap only +about a week ago, my boy, I could not but feel that he had made a +remarkably sudden revolution on the axes he had to grind; and as there +was a pleasing spice of human audacity in his easy way of suiting his +style to the political demands of the moment, I was strongly reminded +of a chap I once knew in the Sixth Ward. + +He was a young chap of gorgeous vest-pattern, and one Sunday afternoon +he went out riding with another sprightly young chap, who was +accompanied by his plighted pink bonnet. They were riding joyously +along in their hired vehicle, my boy, pleasantly discussing the merits +of Eighty's new foreman, and other subjects equally well calculated to +entertain and improve the fond female mind, when, as they turned a +sharp corner, there loomed up, at some distance ahead, a house bearing +a sign reading: + + FEED STORE + + OATS FOR SALE HERE. + +No sooner did the spirited livery-horse observe this dangerous sign, my +boy, than he dashed toward it in a manner worthy of my own gothic +steed, the architectural Pegasus; and as there happened to be a few +stones in the way, the two chaps and the pink bonnet were presently +shot into the surrounding atmosphere without regard to the character of +the day. While the excited quadruped went on with the two fore-wheels +of the vehicle for the purpose of reading the sign nearer by, the chap +of the gorgeous vest-pattern announced his safe arrival in a sand-bank +by the appropriate and cheery cry of "Fire! fire! fire!" and the other +chap and the pink bonnet warbled hasty thanksgivings in the bosom of a +romantic ditch. How they finally caught the spirited livery horse, and +induced him to come back to the city again by making a copy of the sign +on a bit of paper, and placing it in his mouth, and how they ultimately +reached home, you must imagine. But in about a week after, the +unnatural livery-stable keeper brought suit against the smitten chap +for the two hind-wheels of his wagon; and when the young chap of +gorgeous vest-pattern was put upon the stand to prove that the +catastrophe was not the driver's fault, he winked agreeably at the +people, and says he: "My friend and assoshate exerted hisself visibly +to subdue the fiery old oat-mill. As it was, his brains was nearly +dashed out, his neck-tie was sprained, and he _found his watch wound +up_." + +Here the livery lawyer thought he had the friendly chap in a tight +place, and says he: + +"You say that by being thrown from the wagon so violently, the +defendant's watch was wound up. Perhaps you will inform the court how +such a strange phenomenon _could_ occur?" + +The young chap merely paused long enough to make another desperate +attempt to reconcile the bottom-edge of his waistcoat to the top-edge +of his inexpressibles, and says he, with a fine smile: + +"Why, it was easy enough for his watch to be wound up by it, my covey; +because _he turned three times in the air before he lit_." + +Accommodating conservative chaps, my boy, though momentarily thrown out +of their reckoning, by reason of sudden proceedings caused by the +latest signs of the times, have a happy aptitude for turning-about as +often as may seem necessary, before alighting on a fixed principle. + +The Mackerel chaplain, who came up from Harper's Ferry on Monday +afternoon, was delighted with H. O. Abe's promissory note, and +considers that old John Brown is at last + + AVENGED. + + GOD'S scales of Justice hang between + The deed Unjust and the end Unseen, + And the sparrow's fall in the one is weighed + By the Lord's own Hand in the other laid. + + In the prairie path to our Sun-set gate, + In the flow'ring heart of a new-born State, + Are the hopes of an old man's waning years, + 'Neath headstones worn by an old man's tears. + + When the bright sun sinks in the rose-lipped West, + His last red ray is the headstone's crest; + And the mounds he laves in a crimson flood + Are a Soldier's wealth baptized in blood! + + Do ye ask who reared those headstones there, + And crowned with thorns a sire's gray hair? + And by whom the Land's great debt was paid + To the Soldier old, in the graves they made? + + Shrink, Pity! shrink, at the question dire; + And, Honor, burn in a blush of fire! + Turn, Angel, turn from the page thine eyes, + Or the Sin, once written, never dies! + + They were men of the Land he had fought to save + From a foreign foe that had crossed the wave, + When his sun-lit youth was a martial song, + And shook a throne as it swelled along. + + They were sons of the clime whose soft, warm breath + Is the soul of earth, and a life in death; + Where the Summer dreams on the couch of Spring, + And the songs of birds through the whole year ring; + + Where the falling leaf is the cup that grew + To catch the gems of the new leaf's dew, + And the winds that through the vine-leaves creep + Are the sighs of Time in a pleasant sleep. + + But there lurked a taint in the clime so blest, + Like a serpent coiled in a ring-dove's nest, + And the human sounds to the ear it gave + Were the clank of chains on a low-browed Slave! + + The Soldier old at his sentry-post, + Where the sun's last trail of light is lost, + Beheld the shame of the Land he loved, + And the old, old love in his bosom moved. + + He cried to the land, Beware! Beware + Of the symboled Curse in the Bondman there! + And a prophet's soul in fire came down + To live in the voice of old John Brown. + + He cried; and the ingrate answer came + In words of steel from a tongue of flame; + They dyed his hearth in the blood of kin, + And his dear ones fell for the Nation's Sin! + + O, matchless deed! that a fiend might scorn, + O, deed of shame! for a world to mourn; + A Soldier's pay in his blood most dear, + And a land to mock at a Father's tear! + + Is't strange that the tranquil soul of age + Was turned to strife in a madman's rage? + Is't strange that the cry of blood did seem + Like the roll of drums in a martial dream? + + Is't strange the clank of the Helot's chain + Should drive the Wrong to the old man's brain, + To fire his heart with a santon's zeal, + And mate his arm to the Soldier's steel? + + The bane of Wrong to its depth had gone, + And the sword of Right from its sheath was drawn; + But the cabined Slave heard not his cry, + And the old man armed him but to die. + + Ye may call him Mad, that he did not quail + When his stout blade broke on the unblest mail; + Ye may call him Mad, that he struck alone, + And made the land's dark Curse his own; + + But the Eye of God looked down and saw + A just life lost by an unjust law; + And black was the day with God's own frown + When the Southern Cross was a martyr's Crown! + + Apostate clime! the blood then shed, + Fell thick with vengeance on thy head, + To weigh it down 'neath the coming rod + When thy red right hand should be stretched to God. + + Behold the price of the life ye took; + At the death ye gave 'twas a world that shook; + And the despot deed that one heart broke, + From their slavish sleep a Million woke! + + Not all alone did the victim fall, + Whose wrongs first brought him to your thrall; + The old man played a Nation's part, + And ye struck your blow at a Nation's heart! + + The freemen-host is at your door, + And a Voice goes forth with a stern "No More!" + To the deadly Curse, whose swift redeem + Was the visioned thought of John Brown's dream. + + To the Country's Wrong, and the Country's stain, + It shall prove as the scythe to the yielding grain; + And the dauntless pow'r to spread it forth, + Is the free-born soul of the chainless North. + + From the East, and West, and North they come, + To the bugle's call and the roll of drum; + And a form walks viewless by their side-- + A form that was born when the Old Man died! + + The Soldier old in his grave may rest, + Afar with his dead in the prairie West; + But a red ray falls on the headstone there, + Like a God's reply to a Soldier's pray'r. + + He may sleep in peace 'neath the greenwood pall, + For the land's great heart hath heard his call; + And a people's Will and a people's Might, + Shall right the Wrong and proclaim the Right. + + The foe may howl at the fiat just, + And gnash his fangs in the trodden dust; + But the battle leaves his bark a wreck, + And the Freeman's heel is on his neck. + + Not all in vain is the lesson taught, + That a great soul's Dream is the world's New Thought; + And the Scaffold marked with a death sublime + Is the Throne ordained for the coming time. + +The chaplain runs as naturally to poetry, my boy, as a water-melon does +to seed, and his muse is apt to be--alas! what a melancholy one! + +In my last epistle, I was somewhat hyperbolical when I meant to be +metaphorical, as some of the older writers were allegorical when they +meant to be categorical. I told you, my boy, that we had cornered the +prudish Confederacy in Accomac, and "thrown our arms around her." Your +natural ignorance will demand an explanation; and I deem it fit to say, +that by the phrase "thrown our arms around her," I meant to say that +certain Mackerel regiments, in furtherance of the profound strategy of +the General of the Mackerel Brigade, had thrown their arms away, on +every side of the entrapped Confederacy. It was believed that the +Confederacy was perfectly safe for immediate capture, my boy; but upon +the discovery that the fords of Allkwyet River, in the rear of Accomac, +where the Confederacy could cross, were adjoining each other, and +extended from the source of the river to its mouth, it was deemed +proper to let the Confederacy court further ruination by retiring in +that direction. Hence, whilst the watchful Conic section took a brief +nap, the Anatomical Cavalry was sent rapidly in front of the +disgracefully retreating Confederacy to clear the road for it to the +river, and then telegraph the news of the great victory to all the +excellent morning journals. + +It was another splendid stroke of profound strategy, my boy, and would +have crowned the idolized General of the Mackerel Brigade with new +laurels, had he not been too bashfully modest to understand it himself. + +Finding, however, that it seemed to be better than something worse, he +told his staff a small story to clear his throat, and then unfurled the +following + + + PROCLAMATION. + +I, the General of the Mackerel Brigade, next President of the United +States of America, and Commander-in-Chief of the Mackerel Army and +superior improved iron-plated squadron, do hereby swear, that on this +occasion, as in a previous instance, the war will be prosecuted for the +object of practically maintaining the Constitution forever destroyed, +and restoring friendly relations between the sections and States +inexorably alienated; that it is my practical purpose to suggest, at +the next orderly meeting of the Mackerel Brigade, a practical offer of +pecuniary compensation for the slaves of the so-called Border States +which have refrained, through patriotic fear, from waging unnatural +hostilities with the United States of America and my practical self. +Gradual Emancipation having thus set in, as far as those States are +concerned, either voluntarily, or by virtue of a superior discretion, +persons of African descent will again be privileged, or voluntarily +compelled to colonize in Nova Zembla, where bear hunting is still in +full bloom; that on the first day of April, in the year of our Lord one +thousand eight hundred and sixty-three, all persons held as slaves by +what is then known as the ruins of the Southern Confederacy, shall be +then, thence, thenceforward and forever free, if they choose to +consider themselves so, and are able to achieve their independence; +that on the aforesaid first of April, the General of the Mackerel +Brigade will designate the States, or parts of States, which have +rendered this proclamation nugatory, by returning involuntarily, and by +force of our arms, to their allegiance, inviting them to elect members +of Congress, boarders at Willard's and Senators as usual, the same as +though their somewhat-prolonged rebellion against the United States of +America had been a rather meritorious arrangement, entitling them to +more than ordinary consideration. + +And I do hereby respectfully request all officers to refrain in future +from paying the traveling expenses of persons of African descent sent +by them to their revolted masters after a term of trench service, as +there don't appear to be any common-sense in such expenditure. + +And the General of the Mackerel Brigade will further recommend, that +all citizens of the United States remaining loyal now, or who may +become loyal, voluntarily or otherwise, at any period of the world's +history, be fully compensated for all losses sustained by the United +States, including the loss of memory or eye sight. + +In witness whereof, behold the signature and seal of the + + GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE. + (Green Seal.) + +While I am compelled to admit, my boy, that I do not exactly understand +by what authority the General of the Mackerel Brigade is empowered to +issue this Proclamation; and that some of its clauses--particularly the +last--strike me as being somewhat muddled, I yet regard it as at least +a faint evidence that the tremendous farce in which we have so long +been playing such bloody parts is at last coming to an end. + +And since the farce seems drawing to a close, perhaps your farcical +Orpheus C. Kerr could select no fitter time than this to withdraw with +grace from the field. + +As this thought occurs to me, my boy, I look up, and behold a couple of +our brigadiers a few paces off, with only two tumblers between them. +Their faces are expressionless. I have seen apple-dumplings with more +expression, especially when dressed with sauce. It is impossible, my +boy, that any wise thing should enter into the heads of our +brass-buttoned generals under any possible circumstances; and with +heavy heart, I acknowledge the conviction that I must still rush the +quill. + + Yours, enduringly, + ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + LETTER LXXII. + + REPORTING THE LATEST SMALL STORY FROM "HONEST ABE," AND DESCRIBING + THE MOST MERCENARY BAYONET CHARGE ON RECORD. + + + WASHINGTON, D. C., October 4th, 1862. + +Our Honest Abe, my boy, may lack these brilliant qualities which in the +great legislator may constitute either the live-oak sceptre of true +patriotism or the dexter finger of refined roguery, as the genius of +the age pivots on honesty or diplomacy; but his nature has all the +sterling characteristics of the heartiest manhood about it, and there +is a smiling sun in his composition which never sets. That he is in his +anecdotage, my boy, is a fact + + "Which nobody can deny; + Or, if they do, they lie!" + +yet even his anecdotes have that simple sunlight in them which is, +perhaps, a greater boon to the high place of a nation in the dark hour, +than the most weird and perpetual haze of crafty wisdom could be. + +There was a dignified chap here from New York on Monday; a chap who has +invented many political conventions in his time, and came here for the +special purpose of learning everything whatsoever concerning the +present comparative inactivity of the able-bodied Mackerel Brigade. + +The Mackerel Brigade, my boy, has done little more than skirmish on the +festive borders of the well-known Southern Confederacy since the great +metaphysical victory in which it gained such applause and lost a few +muskets, and the dignified convention chap called upon the Honest Abe +to learn the meaning of the present situation. + +Rumor states that it was the Honest Abe's hour of fragmentary leisure +when this inquiring chap perforated the White House; and that he was +sitting with his boots on the window-sill, carving a pine toothpick +from a vagrant chip. + +"Mr. President," says the dignified chap, affably, "such is the agony +of the public mind in consequence of the present uncertainty in +military affairs that I feel it my duty, as a humble portion of that +Mind, to respectfully request of you some information as to the reason +for the cotemporary Mackerel inactivity." + +"Hem!" says the Honest Abe, combing his locks with his right hand, and +placing a small bit of the chip in the right corner of his Etruscan +mouth: "Perhaps I cannot better answer your question, neighbor, than by +relating a small tale: + +"There was a man out in Iowa who owned a large farm, on which he raised +everything but the interest of his purchase-money, and it cost him so +little to send his crops to the market that he was all the time wishing +he could find the crops to send. Now, this man was very tenacious of +his rights," says the Honest Abe, putting the argument with his +jack-knife--"he was very tenacious of his rights; and when a +squatter-sovereign from Missouri came and squatted right on one of his +best pieces of land, he determined to whip that squatter-sovereign +within an inch of his life, and then send him trooping. So he goes down +one day to where the squatter had run up a shingle house," says the +Honest Abe, brushing a chip from his right knee, "he goes down there, +and says he to the squatter: 'If you don't make tracks from here in +twenty-four hours, you varmint, I'll make you smell thunder and see +chain-lightnin'.' The squatter threw away the axe with which he was +thumping down a maple log for a door-post, and says he: 'This is a free +country, stranger; and if you'll come to a place where the grass is +thick enough to make a tidy tumble, we'll have it out at once.' This +put the old man's dander right up," says the Honest Abe, pulling down +his vest; "this put his dander right up, and says he: 'Grass be darned! +Here's a spot of ground as bare as the top of Governor Chase's head, +and I'll jest trouble you--y' old varmint you--to find how soft it is +for a night's lodgings.' After this speech there was no more to be +said; so the two geniuses repaired to the bare spot, and squared away +at each other like all possest. The old man was great on the science of +the thing," says the Honest Abe, using the toe of one boot as a +boot-jack to pull the other half-way off--"the old man was great on the +science of boxing; but the squatter had the muscle, and in about two +winks the old 'un was packing the gravel. Up he got again, very +ricketty in the shoulder-blades, and came to call like a grizzly in +bee-time, striking out with a bang up science, and would have triumphed +gloriously if he hadn't suddenly gone to gravel again, with all his +baggage. On this occasion, he righted with both his elbows out of +joint, and says he: 'You're as good as chawed up--y' old varmint, +you--but I'll come back here next spring, and have it out with you on +this same spot.' The squatter agreed to that, and they parted for the +time. + +"Now the story of this drawn-fight got abroad, you see," says the +Honest Abe, working the blade of his jack-knife with his thumb--"it got +abroad; and one day a neighbor went to the old 'un, and says he: +'There's one thing about that big fight of yours, Uncle Billy, I can't +understand. What made you put off the end of the show till next spring?' + +"'Have you seen the cantankerous spot where we fit?' says the old 'un, +moving his shoulders uneasily. + +"'Truelie,' says the neighbor. + +"'Well,' says the old 'un, craftily, 'I'm just waiting _till that thar +spot has a trifle of grass on it_.'" + +At the conclusion of this natural little narrative, my boy, the +dignified conventional chap hurried from the White House scratching his +head: and I really believe, my boy--I really believe, that his +sensitive soul detected an analogy not gushingly flattering to national +strategy and the President of the United States for 1865. + +Soon after hearing of this, I met him at Willard's, and says I: "Well, +my sagacious Mirabeau, what is your final opinion of our Honest Abe?" + +He merely paused long enough to swear at a button which happened to +burst from the neck-band of his shirt just then, and says he: "The +Honest Abe is a well-meaning Executive, enough. He's a well-meaning +Executive," says the dignified chap, with an air of slightly-irritated +good-nature; "but I wish he'd do something to save his country, instead +of telling small tales all the time." + +Our President is an honest man, my boy, and the glass in his spectacles +isn't exactly made of the paper they print telegrams upon. + +Learning that the Mackerel Brigade was still awaiting abject peace +propositions from the exhausted Confederacy, on the borders of Accomac, +I scaled the outer walls of my Gothic steed, Pegasus, on Wednesday, and +sped thither on the metaphorical wings of retarded lightning. A wisp of +hay was clinging to the wiry mane of the architectural animal, my boy, +and this I used to delude the spirited steed from making those sudden +stops in which he invariably indulges whenever a passing acquaintance +hails us with the familiar salutation of "Hey!--where are you bound?" +The charger has evidently a confused idea of the word "Hey," my boy. + +Upon gaining the outskirts of Accomac, I met Company 3, Regiment 5, +Mackerel Brigade, just coming out to make a bayonet-charge upon one of +the Confederacy's earthworks not far away. I might have let the +warriors pass by unheeded, my boy, as I was deeply ruminating upon +strategy; but as they came nearer, I noticed among them a file of red +noses dragging along a Mackerel, who was tearing and groaning like a +madman. In fact, the chap became so violent just then, that Captain +Villiam Brown precipitately dropped his canteen and halted the company. + +I looked at the devoted and nearly-sober beings clustered about the +struggling chap, and says I: + +"Has mutiny reared his horrid front, my veterans? What ails our +gymnastic friend?" + +A Mackerel, largely patched in several departments of his attire, +shaded his voice with a crab-like hand, and says he: "That is Jakey +Mogs, which got a letter from his virchoose femly just the instant we +was ordered to fix bayonets, and he's gone cracked because the Captain +can't let him leave for home in a big rush." + +Here the refractory chap burst furiously from those who were holding +him, fell upon his knees before the captain, and says he, as he cried +like a woman: "For God's sake, Cap, _do_ let me go home just this once, +and I swear to God I won't stay there more than just one minnit! My old +woman wrote this herself (tearing the letter from his ragged breast), +and she says our little Tom is dying. He's a-dying--O good Lord! it's +too much! Please let me go, my dear, good Cap, and I won't be gone an +hour; and I'll bring you back the pootiest little bull-tarrier you ever +see; and you can shoot me for desertion--honor bright! My Tommy's +a-dying, I tell you, and she's wrote for me to come right away. Just an +hour, Cap, for God's sake!--only _half_ an hour, and I'll come back and +be shot--honor bright!" + +As the wild words came pouring out of the poor fellow's working soul, +there fell a breathless hush upon all his comrades; the line of +bayonets seemed to me to reflect the soft light of the afternoon with a +kind of strange quiver, and though the Captain turned his head sternly +away from the suppliant, there was not that firmness in the arm +circling to his hip which drives home the sword of the strong. + +"Take the being under guard," says Villiam, hoarsely; "for he _must_ +go." + +At the word, the rude father sprang to his feet, with a tigerish glare +in his eyes, dashed the letter to the ground, tore his bowie from its +sheath; and as, with the howl of a wild beast, he made a furious thrust +at one of those who approached to secure him--Nature broke in the +tempest, and he fell into the arms of a comrade, in a fit. They sent +him back, then, to camp, and Company 3, Regiment 5, moved forward once +again, as though nothing had happened. + +Alas! my boy, when this whole war is the sensitive nerve of a vast +nation, and vibrates a thrill of mortal agony to a million of souls at +each jar the very air receives from a shot, what matter is it if a +single heart be broken. + +I pondered this deeply as I followed Company 3; nor did I heed the +affable remarks occasionally volunteered by Captain Villiam Brown until +we gained the edge of the field wherein was located a company of +bushwhacking Confederacies, as was supposed, behind a scientific +mud-work. Captain Bob Shorty and Captain Samyule Sa-mith were already +on the ground to witness the bayonet charge; and it was well that they +had provided bits of smoked glass to view it through, as the glaring +brilliancy of the anticipated feat might have proved hurtful to the +naked eye. As I took my place with them, my boy, I could not but admire +the rapidity with which Captain Villiam Brown kicked some of his beings +into a straight line before the foe's front, and at the same time +addressed them after the manner of a great commander: + +"Comrades," says Villiam, his voice quivering finely with +uncontrollable valor, "the eyes of future centuries are looking down +upon you on this present occasion, and your distracted country expects +you to propel the gleamy steel. Ah!" says Villiam, taking another hasty +look at his notes, "the distracted country has great confidence in +bayonet charges, which are quite valuable on account of their scarcity +in this unnatural war. My fellow-beings," says Villiam, allowing +several Mackerels to get in front of him, that he might more readily +direct their movements, "we will now proceed to charge bayonets." + +From our point of vantage, we saw that serried host sweep on, my boy, +their movements being exceedingly rapid for several yards; when they +went slower, and finally stopped. + +Captain Samyule Sa-mith eyed them intensely through his glass, and says +he: "It appears to me that there is temporary inactivity in the ranks, +and I can see some manly heads turned the wrong way." + +Captain Bob Shorty frowned until his left eyebrow contracted a delicate +streak of smoke from _his_ glass, and says he: "You speak like one of +feeble mind, Samyule. The legs, not the head, are the portions of the +human frame to be watched in a baynit charge." + +Taught by this remark, I gazed at the nether continuations of our +country's hope and pride, and my glass told me that many of them were +working in their sockets as though belonging to wholly irresponsible +parties. Were those devoted men about to change their base of +operations and entrap Stonewall Jackson's whole force again, without +waiting to receive a shot? + +It was a moment of dreadful suspense. + +Then did the matchless genius of Villiam Brown arise to the full +demands of the breathless occasion, in one of those subtle appeals to +human nature's great undercurrent which leads men as children often are +led. In the rear of the Confederacy's work was the slanting side of a +precipitous hill, and to this hill-side he had secretly dispatched the +paymaster of the _corps_, by a circuitous route, with a package that +looked as though it might contain Treasury Notes under his arm. Just at +this awful juncture, when the fate of the day hung by a hair, that +paymaster made his appearance on the hill-side above the mud-work, and +put on his spectacles to make himself more plainly visible. + +"Comrades," says Villiam, pointing to the celestial figure, "yonder is +the disbursing genius of the United States of America. Charge baynits, +and let us be paid off." + +Though the whole Confederacy had been in the way at that moment, my +boy, it would not have delayed the charge. Forward went Company 3, +Regiment 5, with mercenary celerity, capturing the hostile work with +great success; and finding therein a Confederate letter, stating that +the Confederacy could not so far demean itself as to fight a force +whose leader had not been educated at West Point. + +There is a point, my boy, _beyond_ which the Confederacy cannot hope to +offer successful resistance to our arms, and recent events would seem +to indicate that it is West Point. + + Yours, formally, + ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + LETTER LXXIII. + + MAKING MENTION OF ANOTHER MEETING OF THE COSMOPOLITAN CLUB, AT + WHICH THE TURKISH AND RUSSIAN MEMBERS READ THEIR STORIES. + + + WASHINGTON, D. C., October 8th, 1862. + +At the meeting of the Cosmopolitans last evening, my boy, N. E. +Ottoman, the Turkish chap, related the tale of + + + THE SULTAN'S FAVORITE. + +"In all Circassia, there was no woman to be compared with Zara, for +beauty. Her eyes were like the stars, her hair was threads of gold, her +teeth were pearls, her complexion more white and pure than the marble +of Patras, and her form was like those of the houris, whom Allah has +locked up in paradise, for the benefit of all true believers. + +"The father of this beautiful girl was a mountain chieftain, much noted +for his physical strength, bravery, and insatiable avarice. His wife +died in giving birth to Zara, and upon her child he lavished all the +affection which his iron heart could nourish; but gold overcame the +finer feelings of a parent, and Nemyl beheld the bud of childhood +bursting forth into the soul-subduing woman with thoughts in which +there was far more speculation than love. + +"'You shall be sold to the Sultan,' said he to her, 'and he will soon +become your most devoted slave. You may make him do what you will, and +I shall become respected and rich, as the father of a Sultan's +favorite.' + +"Zara made no reply to such anticipations; for, although she honored +the _alem penali_ of mankind, her affections had lighted upon another +object. + +"During the war between the Russians and Circassians, truces of a few +days' duration were quite frequent, and at such periods those of both +parties who were upon the plains, intermingled, and spoke words of +peace to each other. On one of these occasions, a Russian detachment +was quartered near the habitation of Nemyl, and a young officer, who +beheld Zara, fell in love with her at first sight, although he saw +nothing but her form; for her face was covered. + +"Garstoff (for such was his name) made various attempts to have +communication with the insensible object of his passion; but, for some +days, his efforts were in vain--the Circassians being very ready to +keep truce with his countrymen, but very jealous, also, of any +attention bestowed upon one of their own nation. The officer beheld the +brief period of peace fast drawing to an end, and was about to resign +his darling object, when fortune unexpectedly befriended him. + +"One evening as he was returning to his camp, a sound of clashing steel +fell upon his ear, and, turning in the direction from whence it came, +he observed a horseman bravely defending himself against the assaults +of four men in Turkish costume. Swift as lightning, his sword flew from +his scabbard, and going to the assistance of the rider, he made two of +the assailants bite the dust, while the others took to their heels and +quickly disappeared. + +"'Your assistance was most timely, and I owe my life to you,' said the +horseman, dismounting from his steed, and peering into the face of his +new ally. + +"'I am happy to have been of service to a brave man,' replied Garstoff, +'but who were those scoundrels?' + +"'I know them not,' answered the other, 'but suppose them to belong to +a band of mountain thieves, who are prowling about the camps in search +of plunder. I perceive, by your uniform, that you are one of our +enemies. But we are at peace now, and as you have saved my live, I +extend the hand of friendship to you. Come with me to my house, and we +will eat salt together.' + +"'May I know the name of my new friend?' asked the Russian. + +"'I am Nemyl, and I put my trust in God.' + +"'I cannot refuse your kind invitation,' said Garstoff. And Nemyl +remounting his horse, the two set off at good speed not saying another +word until they arrived at the house of the chieftain. It was a +spacious but rude habitation, and the only attendant who welcomed the +pair was a pretty little girl of scarce ten years. Nemyl fastened the +horses of himself and visitor under a low shed, and then proceeded to +an apartment where _rabols_, viands, various fruits, mountain herbs, +and large vessels filled with coffee and eastern wines, were placed +upon a table with covers for three persons. + +"'We sup here,' he said, motioning Garstoff to a seat beside the board, +and taking one himself. 'I expected to have met one of our chiefs +to-night, and brought him to my house, but those fellows stopped me, +and I changed my company. Eat--What is your name?' + +"'Major Garstoff.' + +"A shade passed over the features of Nemyl, at the sound of that name, +and he grasped the hilt of his scymetar, for he had heard of the +officer's attempt to speak with Zara, and it was only a thought of +recent events that restrained him from rushing upon the bold barbarian +with the fury of a tiger. + +"Garstoff beheld the change in his host's manner, and had grasped his +own weapon, to defend himself from any sudden attack, when a door was +opened, and Zara entered the department, preceded by the little slave, +looking more beautiful than ever. + +"The officer was filled with various emotions by her presence; for he +at once recognised her as the idol of his heart, and all feelings of +anger disappeared at once. + +"'This is my child Zara,' said Nemyl, with affected indifference. 'The +great Sultan has an apartment for her in his seraglio, and his Aga has +already bargained with me for her purchase.' + +"Garstoff watched the girl's countenance, while her father spoke thus, +and was delighted to perceive that she was discomposed by his words; +but resolving to avoid a quarrel with his entertainer, he replied: + +"'Happy must be the man, whether sultan or renegade, who is destined to +claim so much beauty for his own.' + +"The suspicions of Nemyl were lulled to sleep by such disinterested +expressions, and he ate and drank with his visitor, in all good will, +while Zara listened in silence to their conversation. At length, the +fumes of the liquors which he had swallowed, mounted to his brain, and +after giving vent to some incoherent oaths, the Circassian fell upon +the floor in a state of insensibility. His visitor was quite astonished +by such a catastrophe; but as it afforded him an opportunity to +converse with Zara, he rather rejoiced at it. + +"'Fair lady,' said he, 'can it indeed be true that your charms are +destined to wither in the Sultan's harem?' + +"'It is true, stranger,' answered Zara, in mournful tones, 'the Aga of +Soliman, spoke with my father at Constantinople, and I am to be borne +thither soon.' + +"'Does such a fate please you, Zara?' asked the officer. + +"'No!' replied the beautiful Circassian, with emphasis. 'But it is the +will of Allah, and I must submit.' + +"She arose from her seat, and beckoning for the attendant, was about to +leave the apartment, when Garstoff, laid his hand upon her arm, and +gently restrained her. + +"'Forgive my rudeness,' he said, with much earnestness; 'but, Zara, I +cannot behold your sacrifice, without endeavoring to avert it. I am a +stranger to you; but you are not a stranger to me; for I have seen you, +when you thought yourself unobserved, and a fire has been kindled in my +breast, which nothing but possession of you can ever abate. Tell me to +perform some deed, that I may prove the ardor of my love; let me save +you from the fearful doom that threatens you--' + +"'Stop! Christian,' interrupted the maid; 'I have never seen your face +before, and how can I trust a stranger? Go! or Nemyl shall punish you +when he awakes. I can hear your words no longer.' + +"'Think not that I fear your father,' answered Garstoff, 'though I +stand in his house; yet I will no longer excite your anger by staying +here.' + +"He arose, and would have departed, had not the daughter of Nemyl +placed herself in his way. + +"'What would you do for me?' she asked hurriedly. + +"'I would sacrifice my life, if necessary.' + +"'That would not help me, Christian. Dare you appear in the field as a +rival to the sultan, for my favor?' + +"'As a rival to ten thousand sultans, for such a reward.' + +"'Why do you not _buy me_, then?' + +"The Russian staggered back and turned pale at the suggestion; for it +reminded him how wholly the woman was beyond his reach, and filled him +with despair. + +"'What sum would do it?' he asked. + +"'Five thousand doblas,' answered Zara, composedly; 'the great sultan +will give _four_ thousand, and if you offer _five_, my father will +surely sell me to you.' + +"'Alas! what a curse is poverty!' exclaimed Garstoff, smiting his +forehead. 'I have only my pay, and it would not amount to that sum in +three years. What shall I do?' + +"His sorrow evidently affected Zara, and for some moments they remained +silent. At length, her eyes brightened, and she said in peremptory +tones; + +"'You can bear me away to your own country.' + +"'That is true!' ejaculated the Russian, kissing her willing hand in +ecstasy. 'Then indeed have I not suffered in vain. I will take you to a +country where the sovereign will smile upon you as my bride, and you +shall forget a land where women are sold like dogs. Bless you for the +suggestion, dear Zara, I thought of it before; but dared not anticipate +so much happiness. When will you fly with me?' + +"'At this hour, two days hence, I will be in the garden alone!' +responded the girl, with a familiar glance. + +"'It is enough!' said Garstoff. 'I will be here with horses and arms, +and morning shall behold you in the camp of my countrymen. Till then, +farewell.' + +"The lovers separated so hastily, because Nemyl had commenced to move; +Zara going with the mute attendant to her apartment, and Garstoff +departing for his encampment. When both had disappeared, Nemyl arose to +his feet, while a dim, but grim smile, played about his lips, and all +signs of intoxication vanished. + +"'Oh, ho!' he muttered, between his set teeth. 'The son of a dog would +rob me of my daughter and four thousand doblas. I will take good care +to be in the garden two days hence, and the son of Shitan shall find +what it is to rival the sublime sultan. They thought me drunk with +grape juice, but they shall suffer for it. By Allah! they shall!' and +he threw himself upon a couch, where he soon fell asleep, to dream of +gold and vengeance. + +"The truce was within three days of its expiration and Garstoff, +overjoyed at the success of his impious design, hastened to prepare for +its execution. He procured horses, assistants, and arms; and on the +night appointed proceeded towards the house of Nemyl. When within a +short distance of the garden, he dismounted from his horse and leaving +that together with the others provided, in care of a few soldiers who +composed his guard, he drew his sword and walked cautiously towards the +place of rendezvous. Climbing to the top of the wall, he paused for a +moment to survey the scene beneath; but all was still as the grave, and +he sprang into the garden. A few fleecy clouds had hitherto obscured +the moon; but now she sailed beyond their shade, and by her silver +light the Russian discovered a figure dressed in white, at a short +distance in front of him. + +"'Zara,' he said, in low, distinct tones, going toward it. + +"'Christian, I am here,' answered Zara (for she it was,) and in another +moment she was in his arms. + +"'We must haste away,' said Garstoff, when the first rapture of their +meeting was over, and she hung upon his arm. + +"'Yes! yes! I am afraid Nemyl has discovered us. There have been +strange men about the house to-day,' replied Zara, looking timidly +about her; for guilt is ever suspicious, even in broad day. + +"Garstoff said no more, but quickly regained the wall; and, drawing +forth a rope-ladder from under his coat threw it over the wall, so that +it hung down on either side, and having fastened it in the middle, +descended after Zara. Catching her in his arms, he darted back; and, in +a few seconds, was standing with her upon the path. + +"'Whose steps are those?' she exclaimed, in terror, as the sound of +advancing footsteps fell upon her ears. + +"'They are my soldiers, dearest,' answered her lover, applying a +whistle to his lips, and blowing a shrill blast; although he was +himself astonished that they approached before the signal agreed upon +was given. + +"'Draw your sword, captain--we are surprised!' shouted his followers, +as they rode hastily up; and almost before the annoyed Garstoff could +clasp his weapon, a troup of fierce Circassians surrounded him, while +another party attacked his soldiers with great fury. + +"'Surrender, dog of a Christian!' shouted Nemyl, in a voice of thunder. + +"'Not while I live!' answered the officer. + +"'Then disarm him, my men; but harm him not at your peril!' said the +Circassian; and, after a desperate resistance, Garstoff was made a +prisoner, Zara lay fainting in the arms of two stout mountaineers, and +every Russian soldier bled to death. + +"'To the house with them!' said Nemyl, in his usual tones, leading the +way with an air of triumph. + +"Garstoff soon found himself in the apartment where he had supped with +the father of Zara, who now stood before him as his captor. + +"'You have repaid my hospitality with a vengeance,' said Nemyl. + +"'Beware how you abuse a Russian officer!' he answered, proudly. + +"'Remember, Christian, the truce expires to-morrow, and if I keep you a +prisoner until then, you will be treated as a prisoner of war.' + +"'I know it.' + +"'You are now completely in my power; and there is but one feeling that +withholds my sword from your heart. Do you know what feeling that is?' + +"'Fear!' + +"'No, Christian devil! Nemyl knows no such word! It is _gratitude_ for +the preservation of my life towards my preserver. _You are free._ +Depart in peace.' + +"'I honor the nobility of your sentiments,' answered Garstoff, filled +with admiration of such magnanimity; 'yet I would willingly yield my +life to preserve Zara from the fate you promise her.' + +"'Mention not her name. She deserves the bowstring, instead of the +Sultan's embraces,' said Nemyl, sternly. + +"'Are you then so insensible to----' + +"'Will you give me five thousand doblas for her?' + +"'A hundred thousand, if I had them!' + +"'But you have them not?' + +"'Alas, no!' + +"'Then you cannot have Zara. Depart in peace.' + +"Garstoff looked frantically about him for a moment and then rushed +from the apartment like one demented. + +"'My friends,' continued Nemyl, turning to the mountaineers, who stood +behind him--'I wished you to aid me in recovering a lost treasure, and +you drew your swords for me. My daughter is delivered from the +Christian robber, and six of his soldiers are sent to Eblis. I gave the +dog his life, because he saved mine, when it was nearly forfeited; but +we shall soon meet in battle, and then let the Giaour beware! Depart in +peace, my friends.' + +"As I have before stated, Zara fell into a swoon, immediately after the +first appearance of her father, on the evening of her attempted flight, +and was carried to her chamber, unconscious of how the affray resulted. +For two days, she was kept a prisoner in her own apartment, seeing no +one but the little mute. At the end of that period, her father made his +appearance, while she slept, and rudely pulled her from the couch on +which she lay. + +"'Holy Prophet, have mercy!' she exclaimed, in an agony of fear, +imagining that he intended to slay her. + +"'Dress, and prepare to depart!' thundered Nemyl. 'We must be on the +road before day-break.' + +"Trembling like an aspen, Zara suffered the attendant to array her, and +then asked, with quivering lips-- + +"'Where do you intend to take me!' + +"'_To the Sultan!_' exclaimed Nemyl; and, as she sank upon her knees at +his feet, he added, furiously, 'Base girl, you would have covered me +with disgrace by following a Christian dog; but Allah gave me strength, +and I slew the barbarian in his toils.' + +"In silence the girl rose to her feet, and signified her readiness to +depart by a low salaam. + +"At the street door stood the litter prepared for her reception, and +Nemyl pushing her into it, drew the curtains, and gave the signal to +the drivers, while he mounted his horse and accompanied them. On +arriving at the city of the Sultan (which they did after a tedious +journey), Nemyl conveyed his daughter to the grand bazaar; for, in +fact, he never received an offer from the Sultan, but spread the report +that other purchasers might present themselves, whose positions would +fail to gratify the desires of his inordinate ambition. Not long had he +remained there with the litter, when the Kislar Aga of Soliman entered +the bazaar, and made directly towards him, with long strides. + +"'What animal have you in your litter that you keep it closed like a +cage?' asked the Aga. + +"'Your slave will show you that you may judge of it for yourself,' +answered Nemyl, and drawing the curtains, disclosed Zara, with tears +upon her cheeks. + +"The Aga started back in amazement at beholding such a display of +beauty, and all his anger vanished like snow beneath a sunbeam. He well +knew that the addition of such an ornament to the Sultan's harem, +through his instrumentality, would add greatly to his consequence; and +his satisfaction was so evident, that Nemyl beheld it with delight, +and--profited by it. + +"'How much gold do you want for the girl?' asked the Aga, endeavoring +to appear indifferent. + +"'Five thousand doblas,' answered Nemyl, composedly. + +"'Five thousand doblas! _Bismillah!_ dare you laugh at our beards? That +money would buy a dozen women.' + +"'I was offered that by a Russian officer,' said the Circassian, +without moving his eyes. + +"For a moment the Aga hesitated, but the idea of selecting a favorite +speedily overcame all his scruples, and bidding Nemyl follow him with +the litter, he proceeded to a private door of the imperial seraglio, +and gave Zara in charge of two female slaves. + +"Thus was the fairest flower of Franquistan placed in the imperial +garden, and he who had trained it was soon on his way home, with five +thousand doblas in his pocket. + +"What pencil could portray the delight of his sublime highness, or what +tongue could repeat the language of his immaculate lips, when he beheld +his Aga's new purchase. + +"'_Barek Allah!_' praise be to God; 'what an hour!' he exclaimed, +kissing her passionately. + +"'She is already a favorite,' said the Aga, and smiled. + +"'She will be a favorite,' said the queen's mother, and frowned. + +"Zara wept, and would not be comforted during the first few days of her +residence at the seraglio; but finally the kind words of his sublime +highness conquered her obstinacy, and throwing herself at his feet, she +made a full confession of her fondness for Garstoff, and his vain +attempt to carry her away by stratagem. + +"The Sultan was much afflicted by this news, for he really loved Zara, +and was aware, that, should her defection become known, his honor would +compel him to plunge her lifeless body into the Bosphorus. + +"'My dear Zara,' he said, encircling her waist with his arms, 'you have +been frank with me, but beware that you speak of this affair to no one +else, or your life will surely be sacrificed. This Garstoff is dead, +and can now be nothing to you; do not waste your affections upon a +skeleton; but let them revert to me, and Soliman will become the slave +of your will.' + +"In such a manner did the Refuge of Mankind talk to the daughter of +Nemyl, until she gradually drew the veil of forgetfulness over past +sorrows, and respected his sublime highness, if she did not love him. +Taking the highest rank in the harem, no wish of hers remained +unanswered; masters of every art were furnished as her instructors; +subservient slaves were ever ready to do her bidding, and costly +presents of every description rolled in upon the favorite, from those +who had--axes to grind. + +"Each day the Sultan became more deeply in love with her, and in the +same proportion, she became each day more odious to those, whom, from +old age, or satiety, the magnificent Soliman had quitted for Zara. +Among the most violent enemies of the new favorite, was the queen +mother, who suborned the Kislar Aga to her will, and through him, +maintained a thorough system of espionage upon every word and action of +the object of her hatred; but Zara rendered all her efforts futile +until one day while going abroad, she observed a person dressed in the +janissary uniform, whose form appeared familiar; and what was her +emotion, when he turned his face toward her, and discovered the +features of _Garstoff_!" + + * * * * * + +Here the English member interrupted the reader, and says he: + +"Good gracious! I thought that fellow was dead." + +"No, sir," says the Turkish chap; "you should remember that Nemyl +spared his life." + +"I don't remember anything about it," says the British chap, crustily; +"but I suppose you told that part of the story when I was asleep. +Proceed." + + * * * * * + +"The Kislar Aga, who stood behind her litter, noted Zara's emotions and +their apparent cause, and when he returned to the palace, made his +instigatress acquainted with her rival's strange conduct. The wily +woman at once perceived that Zara was partially in her power, and +instructed her instrument to watch the favorite closely, and gain +further information. Meanwhile, their intended victim suffered the +pangs of remorse, and old feelings awakened from their long sleep, +struggled fiercely with the usurping passions in her bosom. + +"The sight of the Russian, whom she believed to be in his grave, made +her frantic with sorrow, and she resolved to speak with him, although +by so doing, she would risk discovery and an ignominious end. + +"To accomplish her purpose she called upon the Aga, as he had always +appeared devoted to her special interests, and, describing the person +of her lover, asked him to carry a billet to Garstoff, and thus gain a +rich reward. + +"'Aga,' she said, with composure, 'you must find this man, and ask him +if his name is not Garstoff. Should he start, and answer yes, give him +this slip of paper, and say no more.' + +"With many vows of fidelity, the Aga received the billet, and carried +it direct to--the queen mother. + +"The latter person did not hesitate to open it, and read as follows: + +"'GARSTOFF: I have seen you, and would speak with you. Meet me near the +mosque of Omar, to-morrow, at the tenth hour.' + + 'ZARA.' + +"'She is caught at last,' said the triumphant plotter; 'but we must let +the affair run on, until the Sultan may be convinced by his own eyes of +her guilt.' + +"Accordingly, the slave departed in search of the disguised Russian, +whom he soon discovered from the description given him by Zara. + +"'Is not your name Garstoff?' he asked. + +"'Great heavens!--yes, it is!' answered the janissary, in great +confusion. + +"'Then here is something for you,' said the Aga; and, handing him the +billet, turned upon his heel. + +"Great was the surprise of Garstoff when he read the letter; but joy +quickly overcame wonder, and he hastened to procure a suitable disguise +for the strange meeting. + +"At the appointed hour he stood before the mosque, and presently a +muffled figure approached him, whom his beating heart proclaimed to be +the long lost object of his adoration. It was indeed Zara, and, in one +moment, they were in each other's arms. + +"The Russian hastened to relate his adventures since they last saw each +other, and finished by saying: + +"'I gave up my commission, dearest Zara, to seek for you, and now that +we once more behold each other, let us never part again. This hated +uniform I assumed to facilitate my search; it shall be thrown aside now +and forever.' + +"Then Zara commenced her narrative, but was quickly interrupted. + +"'Zara, tell me, for heaven's sake, have you listened to the Sultan's +words of love? Are you, are you--his--slave?' gasped Garstoff, +staggering against the wall. + +"Zara looked to the ground. + +"'I see it all,' he continued, in frantic accents. 'Zara, you are lost! +lost to me forever! I go to my death. Zara, a last farewell!' He was +about to leave her, when she caught his arm, and hissed in his ear: + +"'Is this your love that you once boasted of?' + +"'Zara, let me go; I am almost mad.' + +"'And I am _quite_ mad. Listen to me, faithless Christian. I beheld you +in the streets when you saw me not, and have risked honor, life, every +thing, to come to you, and be your slave. How could I help what has +passed? My father--' + +"'Zara, you should have _died_ first.' + +"For a time she remained silent, with her head bowed, and then said, in +low tones: + +"'Christian, you are right; I should, indeed, have preferred death to +my present fate; but it is too late now. I will return to my _master_; +yet do I hope to see you once again. Will you not grant me that favor?' + +"'Once more,' answered Garstoff mechanically. + +"'Then come here to-morrow, and you will find a large chest; place +yourself in it, and two slaves will bring you to me. Do you promise?' + +"'I do, Zara,' and, in deep sorrow, Garstoff turned away. + +"'Base dog!' muttered Zara, as she again muffled her features, 'you +have rejected the daughter of Nemyl, and she sleeps not while you press +the earth.' + +"The favorite sped hastily back to the palace, and entered by a secret +door, while the Kislar Aga, who had concealed himself near her at the +mosque, and witnessed the interview, hastened to the queen mother, and +made his report, when she exclaimed: + +"'Allah be praised! this Circassian will soon be under the Bosphorus; +for Zara will meet her gallant, and his serene highness shall behold +himself dishonored.' + +"Knowing the extreme affection entertained for Zara by Soliman, the +cautious woman was wary in her communication, and did not reveal the +whole matter, until the Sultan's suspicions had been aroused by her +hints. He first ridiculed, then listened silently, then believed; and, +finally, agreed to conceal himself in the Sultana's apartment, and +judge for himself. + +"He waited until the moment of assignation approached, and was looking +upon the unconscious object of his gaze with returning confidence, when +a curtain of the apartment was raised, and two negro slaves entered, +bearing a large chest between them. + +"Zara motioned for them to leave it and depart; and then raising the +lid, Garstoff stepped forth, and the Sultan uttered an inward groan. + +"'Drink this, and it will give you strength,' said Zara, presenting a +goblet of liquor to the janissary. + +"Garstoff raised the cup to his lips, and drained it at a draught; on +which the fair Circassian burst into a fit of hysterical laughter. + +"'Is this a moment for merriment?' asked Garstoff, sternly. + +"'Wine makes me merry!' she answered, drinking from another goblet. +'And now, Christian, do you know what you came here for?' + +"'To see you for the last time.' + +"'That is true, follower of Isauri--_you go not hence alive!_' + +"'What mean you, woman?' exclaimed Garstoff, starting from his seat +with pallid cheeks. + +"'_I mean that you have swallowed poison!_' screamed Zara, the fire of +insanity blazing from her eyes. 'You scorned the daughter of Nemyl, and +she has taken revenge! Pray to Isauri--pray to--' + +"Garstoff dropped upon the floor, a disfigured corpse, and the Sultan +bounded from his place of concealment upon Zara; but the purple veins +of her forehead were swelling out like cords, and before he could speak +to her she was--_dead!_" + + * * * * * + +"Really," says Vitchisvitch, the Russian member, drawing a long breath, +"there is too much of the 'blood and thunder' style about that story to +suit me; but here is something more quiet." + +And he proceeded, my boy, to make known unto us + + + THE LITTLE MAN IN GREEN. + +"On a clear, cold night in December, Nicholas Dimitri, a young officer +of Cossacks, was walking slowly through a public street of St. +Petersburg, with a military cloak thrown over his shoulder, and looking +steadfastly to the ground, as though intent upon some prospect of no +ordinary interest. Acquaintances of all ranks were constantly passing +him, but their silent salutes met no return, and many a surmise was +hazarded as to what his mission was, that it caused such evident +abstraction in one so generally admired for his flow _d'esprit_. +Unconscious of attracting attention, Nicholas strode onwards wrapped in +thought, until he became aware of violent collision with some person +going in an opposite direction, and almost immediately a hoarse voice +exclaimed: + +"'What, in the name of all that's good, are you about? Are not the +walks wide enough for both of us, that you must needs knock a man's +breath out of his body in this way? By the Admiral's wig! I've a mind +to return the compliment with my fists, you lubber.' + +"The officer of Cossacks started involuntarily, as his reverie was thus +broken, and beheld standing before him a very stout individual, rather +below the ordinary height in stature, with iron-grey hair, prominent +features much embrowned, and clad in a plain green uniform, such as was +worn by the privates in the army. The little man stood directly in his +path, with an expression of good natured defiance resting upon his +countenance, and flourishing a short cane in his right hand. + +"'I beg your pardon, sir,' said Nicholas, somewhat provoked, 'but I was +hardly conscious of being in the street at all. Allow me to pass, sir, +I am in haste.' He attempted to get by the little gentleman, but that +person had no idea of allowing such a move, and in the coolest possible +manner linked his arm with that of the impatient officer. + +"'It's my watch now,' he said, with a short laugh, 'and as you don't +bunk in just yet, we may as well be company for each other. I ain't +particular about which way you go, so up with your irons and we'll +scud.' + +"'I can permit no such familiarities,' replied Nicholas, angrily, +attempting to release his arm. 'Are you intoxicated, that you do not +perceive I am an officer? Let go my arm, sir, or I will call the +patrol, and place you under guard.' + +"Notwithstanding this threat, the little man still hung on, and walked +boldly beside him with great good humor. + +"'Ha! ha! you think I belong to the army, Mr. Officer,' he observed, +with much jocularity. 'I know rather more about the sea, and never tip +my cap to anything less than a frigate captain. But never mind that. +This street should be better lighted, and yet if it had been, I should +never have known you--don't you think so? Now really don't you think +the Emperor or Czar should pay more attention to lighting the streets? +I should think the people would grumble about it--don't they?' + +"Seeing that his new acquaintance was determined to walk beside him, +the officer had resolved to let him talk without venturing a reply, but +this slur upon the Czar wounded his pride, and he answered impatiently, + +"'You cannot be a Russian, sir, or you would not dare speak thus +disrespectfully of the greatest, noblest, and best living sovereign. +Why should we need more light, sirrah, when the moon is shining +brightly? Let me warn you not to speak this way before others, or you +may receive rough treatment. Every Muscovite honors and loves the Czar +as a father, and a slighter cause than that just given by you has cost +many a foreigner his life in St. Petersburg.' + +"As the young man spoke, he seemed to forget his companion, and yielded +his whole soul to the enthusiasm of loyalty. + +"'I like you,' said the little man, heartily. + +"'Indeed!' + +"'Yes, and will help you.' + +"'Help me?' asked Nicholas, stopping suddenly in his walk, eyeing his +companion with mingled astonishment and suspicion. + +"'I said so. Is there anything extraordinary in that!' + +"'Who are you?' demanded the officer, sternly. + +"'No matter about that. I am your friend.' + +"'How do I know that?' asked Nicholas, still more astonished. + +"'I will prove it. You are in love!' + +"'Most men are at some periods of their lives.' + +"'Very true, but _you_ are in love _now_, and the lady of your +affection is far above you in station.' + +"'How in heaven's name do you know this? Who are you?' exclaimed the +officer, completely thrown off his guard, and staring wildly at his odd +companion. + +"'It matters not how I know, or who I am. Let it suffice to say that I +_do_ know, and can aid you,' said the little man, with a more dignified +air than he had before assumed. 'Restrain your feelings, and merely +answer yes or no, to what I am about to say. You are loved by the lady?' + +"'I believe--or, rather, trust so.' + +"'She is the Countess Walewski?' + +"'No.' + +"'Her ward Olinska?' + +"'I shall answer no more questions,' said Nicholas, compressing his +lips. + +"'Then, Mr. Officer, I will ask no more questions, but confine myself +strictly to statements. You love Olinska, and have a rival in Admiral +Praxin, who is favored by the Czar. So strong are your rival's claims +that you have no resource save a clandestine marriage. You are now on +your way to the hotel of the Countess, intending to perfect your plans +with her aid, and baffle the Czar in his designs for the advantage of +Admiral Praxin. Don't say a word to me now, you will receive a message +before long. Good night, Nicholas Dimitri.' + +"The little man nodded his head most knowingly, and fairly ran off, +leaving the astounded lover looking at the moon. + +"Nicholas remained perfectly still for some moments, looking vacantly +upward, and then went on his way, like one who had just awakened from a +strange dream. + +"'What can this mean?' he asked himself. 'This man, whom I never saw +before, has told me of things which no mortal save myself should know, +and he is even acquainted with my name. This matter must be quickly +settled, or I shall be placed under arrest, with no hope for the +future.' + +"Arriving presently at the door of an aristocratic mansion, he sent up +his card, and was speedily ushered into an elegant boudoir, where a +beautiful and richly-dressed lady was waiting to receive him. The +Countess Walewski was not a young woman, yet the bloom of earlier years +still lingered on her cheek, and the sprightly vivacity of girlhood +shot forth from her dark brown eyes. + +"'My dear Nicholas, you are behind time,' she said, giving her hand to +the young officer, and causing him to take a seat beside her on a +velvet couch. 'Lovers are not often tardy in keeping their +appointments, but as I am not the lady, I must excuse you. Upon my +word--I did not observe it before--you look discontented. Nothing has +happened, I hope?' + +"'Dearest lady, we are betrayed!' answered Nicholas, gloomily. + +"'You are jesting.' + +"'Would to God, I were! A strange man encountered me in the street as I +came hither--' and Nicholas gave a full account of his interview with +the little man in green. + +"The Countess appeared much alarmed by the narration, and, for some +moments after its conclusion, remained silent, but at length she +recovered sufficient courage to reply, + +"'This is strange indeed--and yet, Nicholas, this man may be a member +of the police, who, as you know, make themselves masters of our very +thoughts. You say he expressed a desire to assist you, and declared +himself your friend; he may have some object in this we know not of--' + +"'No living man shall rob me of my prize,' interrupted Nicholas, +passionately. 'Olinska will be guided by me, and before morning we will +be far from the capital. There is no time to lose; we must hasten +towards Moscow this very night. Where is she? Why is she not here to +meet me?' + +"'Restrain your passion; be prudent, I entreat you,' exclaimed the +Countess, grasping his wrists. 'Olinska loves you, and you alone; but I +am her guardian, and she submits to my wishes, as duty bids her. Be +yourself, Nicholas, and avoid any rash action. You cannot see Olinska +to-night.' + +"'Has your ladyship combined with my enemies to make a madman of me?' +asked the officer, with great bitterness. + +"'Have my actions been those of an enemy?' responded the Countess, with +a reproachful smile. 'My dear Nicholas, I would have spared you a pang, +but you compel me to tell all. My ward is to have an interview with +Admiral Praxin to-morrow, by order of the Czar.' + +"'With Admiral Praxin!' exclaimed Nicholas, starting to his feet. + +"'Such is the truth. I do not believe that Peter will compel Olinska; +but his command was imperative, and must be obeyed at all risks. Do not +fear for Olinska--she is wholly yours, though a king should ask her +hand. The Admiral can only sue to be rejected, and after that you must +fly.' + +"'Lady, I submit to your wishes,' said Nicholas. 'I honor the Czar, as +all Russians should honor him, but Olinska shall be mine, though he +should send a dozen admirals to thwart me.' + +"After some further consultation of a desultory character, the officer +of Cossacks took his leave, and retired to a bed rendered sleepless by +doubts and fears. + +"On the following morning, before he had completed his toilet, a +servant entered the apartment to announce a visitor, followed by a +little creature, not more than three feet in height, dressed in a +livery of blue and silver. + +"'This gentleman desired to speak with you, sir, immediately,' said the +grinning servant, pointing to the new comer, and bowing himself out of +the room. + +"The minute specimen of humanity said not a word, but assumed an air of +great consequence, and with much ceremony presented a letter. Nicholas +could not repress a smile at the messenger's grotesque appearance, but +his mirth sobered into surprise when he read as follows: + +"'NICHOLAS DIMITRI: The bearer of this missive is my servant, who will +be of great service to both you and myself, in events about to +transpire. Answer his questions without hesitation, and rest assured +that Olinska shall be yours, despite the Czar and Admiral Praxin, or I +am much mistaken. I will be present at the wedding. Your friend, + + "'THE LITTLE MAN IN GREEN.' + +"The young officer dropped the note from his hand, and eyed the dwarf +in silent amazement. + +"'Is that your death warrant?' asked the latter, ironically. + +"'Who wrote this?' demanded Nicholas. + +"'My master.' + +"'And who is your master?' + +"'The Little Man in Green. Ha! ha!' laughed the dwarf. + +"'His name? I must know his name!' exclaimed Nicholas. + +"The abbreviated Mercury placed a finger beside his little nose, in a +very knowing manner, at the same time winking sagaciously. + +"'I can answer no such question,' he said; 'my master desires to remain +_incog._ at present. My name is Orloff, and I wish you to answer one +inquiry: Does the ward of the Countess Walewski have an interview with +Admiral Praxin to-day?' + +"'She does.' + +"'That is sufficient; you will hear from me soon,' and Orloff fled +through the open door, with a speed truly marvelous. + +"Nicholas called after him in vain, and then called his servant to +dress him, with a vague apprehension of evil, and a belief that no +lover ever had so many to assist his wooing as himself. + + * * * * * + +"Olinska, the daughter of a noble Polish family, was deprived of her +parents at an early age, and selected for her guardian the high-minded +Countess Walewski. Her childish years were spent in Warsaw, the city of +her forefathers; but the Countess was obliged to remain at St. +Petersburg, being a member of the Czarina's household, and thither she +called her ward, to be presented at court, and drown the memory of her +sorrows in the gaieties of the capital. + +"Young, beautiful and unsophisticated, chaperoned by an illustrious +lady, and reputed to be heiress of great wealth, the Polish maiden +speedily became the magnet and toast of a brilliant circle, and a prize +for which scores of young nobles contended. But the heart of Olinska +was not to be purchased with titles, and while the scions of +aristocracy knelt vainly at her feet, she bestowed her virgin +affections upon Dimitri, whose silent homage defeated that of all +others, with its proud, peculiar dignity. Military rank is esteemed by +the Russians as little inferior to that of inheritance; yet they +acknowledge a difference, and the line drawn between them by the usages +of society cannot be overstepped with impunity. The young officer, +although admitted into court circles, was aware of the distance between +himself and the lady in a social sense; but the encouragement she gave +him, so insensibly drew them together, that disparity of birth was +forgotten, and love--the great leveller of conditions--reigned +paramount. + +"However misanthropically a man may express his indifference to the +world's opinion, we are all, more or less, its most subservient slaves, +and although Nicholas Dimitri assured his idol that the gossip of +fashionables was nothing to him, he deemed it proper to solicit the +kind offices of the Countess, as a go-between; and apparently visited +the guardian, when, in reality, the fair ward was the object of his +intentions. + +"Peter the Great, who, at that period, occupied the throne of Russia, +had an unpleasant habit of rewarding his bachelor friends for worthy +deeds, with the hand of some fair maiden of his court; and, having +beheld the Polish lady, he resolved to bestow her upon Admiral Praxin, +who, though often regarded with suspicion by his sovereign, had lately +rendered 'the state good service.' Olinska repulsed the old sailor's +advances with disdain; but the Czar requested her to grant him a +private interview, and a request from such a source being synonymous +with a command, the lady felt obliged to grant it. + +"Alone she sat, in a gorgeously furnished apartment, when the Admiral +was announced, her sable locks shading a neck and bosom that rivalled +the snow in their whiteness, and supporting her head with a hand of +nature's choicest modeling. + +"Admiral Praxin was a man in the 'sere and yellow leaf' of meridian +life. His form was firm and upright, and his costume was that of a +youthful courtier; but deep wrinkles tracked his brow with the +footprints of age, and his hair had caught the snow-flakes of the +mountain's farther side. That foretaste of eternal torments, the gout, +had rather confused the measure of his tread, and the stout old Admiral +entered the lady's presence with an ungraceful limp. + +"As he passed into the room, a little figure clad in blue and silver, +followed him noiselessly and, with wonderful agility, darted behind a +curtain of the window. + +"Olinska received her admirer with some embarrassment, which he seemed +at first to reciprocate; but at length, after many leers and grimaces, +his countenance assumed a determined expression, and he went directly +to the point. + +"'Madam,' he said, 'you can scarcely be ignorant of the object for +which I now visit you; nor can you feel more deeply than I the +extremely unpleasant position in which we are both placed, by the +desire of Peter. Aside from the duty I owe my sovereign of submitting +entirely to his will, I have a sentiment in my heart, which, should it +find a reflection in yours, will make me the happiest of men. My title +and fortune are trifles; but the sentiment of love for yourself, united +to that of loyal obedience, may, perhaps, be deemed by you as more +powerful suitors for your hand and heart.' + +"'It were foolish in me to pretend to misunderstand you, my lord,' +replied Olinska, with dignity. 'I am aware that the Czar favors your +suit, and looks upon me as a fitting bride for one whom he delights to +honor; but, greatly as I honor and respect both my sovereign and +yourself, I must positively refuse obedience in this instance, and +assume the right to act for myself. I am deeply grateful to you, my +lord, for your intended kindness, but must, with all due respect, +reject your offer, and close our interview.' + +"As she spoke, her bosom heaved with emotions boiling within, her eye +flashed, and the right of woman to maintain her prerogative shone from +every feature. + +"'Consider well, lady, before you drive me to despair by such cruelty!' +exclaimed the Admiral, with vehemence. 'Consider what you are casting +aside as worthless. I have influence at court beyond that of the most +powerful; the very Czar fears to offend me, and the wife of Admiral +Praxin will be second only to the imperial Catherine in grandeur and +dominion. Let me hope that this is only maiden coyness, and that +deliberation may alter your decision.' + +"'I will not deceive you, my lord,' responded the lady, 'by awaking +hopes which can never be realized. My hand shall never be yielded to +any man by compulsion, or implied claims which I do not acknowledge; +nor do I recognize any other right than my own to dispose of it. Dwell +upon the subject no longer, or your title to the name of friend will be +forfeited. Allow me to retire.' + +"Dismay was betrayed in every lineament of the sailor's countenance, as +he marked the firm tones in which these words were spoken; but anger +quickly took its place as he asked, with a glance of suspicion, + +"'Lady, have I a rival?' + +"Olinska answered not, and arose to leave the apartment, when Praxin +quickly intercepted her, and fell upon his knees. + +"'Olinska, you shall not leave me thus!' he exclaimed, in tones hoarse +with excitement. 'If love will not incline you to accept me, let +ambition do it. _I have the power to place you on the throne of +Russia_, if you but say the word; your own countrymen, the refugees +from Sweden, and twenty thousand discontented serfs will rise at my +bidding; the navy is mine, and, by a wave of the hand, I can become an +Emperor.' + +"With a look of the most unmitigated disdain, the lady regarded the +supplicant at her feet. + +"'I will not parley longer with a _traitor_,' she said, in tones so +cold and piercing that he involuntarily recoiled from her, and she +walked from the apartment with a queenly air. + +"'I'll be revenged for this,' muttered the discarded suitor, as, with a +frowning brow, he took his departure. + +"Then forth sprang Orloff from his place of concealment, with a smile +of no ordinary magnitude distorting his little face. + +"'Good! and now for the Countess!' he exclaimed, following the Admiral. + +"Meanwhile, Nicholas had wandered about the city in a most pitiable +state of apprehension, and was about to rush madly to the hotel of the +Countess, when he beheld the dwarf hastening toward him, carrying a +letter at arm's length. + +"'Here--from the Countess,' ejaculated Orloff, panting for breath, and +handing him the missive. Nicholas hastily tore it open, and read: + +"'DEAR NICHOLAS:--Olinska has had an interview with the Admiral, and, +from its results, I fear the worst. Have a chaise and four, at the +private door of my hotel before sunset to-day. You may trust Orloff. + + "'In haste, WALEWSKI.' + +"'Shall I engage the conveyance?' asked the dwarf, with a grin. + +"'Yes! I will trust you,' replied the excited officer. + +"'You will find all in readiness, at the private door, by four +o'clock!' said Orloff, and he disappeared as quickly as he came. + +"At the appointed hour, Nicholas repaired to the spot where a chaise +and its attendants were awaiting him, and right speedily a muffled +figure emerged from the private door, and touched his arm. + +"'Olinska, dearest Olinska.' + +"'Let us hasten, Nicholas, I fear we are betrayed,' answered Olinska, +trembling in his arms. + +"The officer quickly placed her in the chaise, and the horses had made +their first spring forward when a great tumult arose in the street, and +looking forth from a window of the vehicle, Nicholas beheld, to his +dismay, half a score of imperial cavalry galloping furiously toward him. + +"'Onward! onward!' he shouted to the drivers, and sank back upon his +seat beside the fainting girl. + +"At the top of their speed fled the four chaise horses, making the +vehicle bounce from the earth as though it were composed entirely of +springs; but they were no match for the full-blooded animals of the +cavalry, and the latter soon came up with them. + +"'Stop, in the name of the Czar,' said the leader, drawing his sword. + +"At the command, the postillions dropped their reins, and the chaise +came to a dead halt. Then the door was burst open; and Nicholas, with a +pistol in each hand, sprang into the road. + +"'Gentlemen,' he said hurriedly, 'you must allow me to proceed; the die +is cast, and there is no turning back. Stand aside, sirs, I do not wish +to shed your blood.' + +"'Colonel Dimitri,' answered the leader, 'we are sorry that such is our +duty, but the Czar has ordered us to apprehend you and your companion; +and carry you before him; I therefore apprehend you in the name of +Czar.' + +"'This is tyranny and I will resist it to the last,' exclaimed the +excited lover. 'I have not broken the laws, and am no political +criminal. Why should I be treated thus? You may take me gentlemen, but +not alive.' + +"'We must do our duty,' answered the other. 'Surround and disarm him,' +he added, turning to his followers. + +"The soldiers approached to obey his orders, and the desperate colonel +had levelled his weapons, when Olinska, sprang from the chaise and +knelt upon the ground before him. + +"'Submit, Nicholas; for my sake submit,' she exclaimed, energetically, +clasping her hands towards him. + +"Nicholas regarded her attentively for a moment, and then lowered his +weapons. + +"'I am your prisoner,' he said; 'take me where you will.' + +"The captured pair, were returned to the vehicle, the horses' heads +were turned, and in silence they proceeded to the palace of the Czar. + +"The imperial mansion was very different in those days from what it now +is. No gaudy trappings, neither external nor internal, proclaimed the +abode of royalty; for Peter the Great appealed to hearts, not the eyes +of his subjects, and for the inspection of foreigners he had an army, +unrivaled in discipline and accoutrements, by any in Europe. A small +ante-chamber, plainly furnished, and adorned with various models of +ships, paintings, and rude implements of warfare led into the hall of +audience, equally unostentatious, and the imperial dining saloon, plain +as that of an ordinary tradesman. + +"Into the latter apartment, Nicholas and Olinska were led by their +captors, pale and silent, but undismayed. + +"A long table, bearing on its centre an immense pie, was loaded with a +rich repast; and about it, were seated the most distinguished nobles +and generals of the empire, and Admiral Praxin; while at its head, on +elevated seats, appeared the Czar and Czarina. + +"'Ha! here are the two fugitives!' exclaimed Peter, observing the +entrance of the party and approaching them. + +"Nicholas started at the sound of that voice, and looking up, +recognized in his sovereign, _The Little Man in Green_. + +"'Your pardon, sire!' he exclaimed falling upon his knees, and +remembering with the great trepidation how scurvily he had treated +royalty in disguise. + +"'Arise, Colonel Dimitri,' said the Czar kindly; 'you need not think of +what has past; I am satisfied that you are a true and loyal subject. +But what possessed you to run away with this little rebel, man? Did you +not know that she was affianced to Admiral Praxin?' + +"'Pardon me sire, I did not,' answered Nicholas. + +"'And you Olinska; you have disregarded our wishes, and thrown the +gallant admiral overboard?' continued Peter, addressing the trembling +girl, with a mixture of severity and good-nature. + +"Olinska bowed her head. + +"'What say you Praxin? Are you willing to yield your bride to the army, +and let the navy remain a bachelor?' + +"The Admiral had turned all colors, at the first entrance of Olinska, +but marking that she remained silent, he plucked up sufficient courage +to reply. + +"'I cannot accept the lady's hand without her heart.' + +"'Did you sue for them like a man?' demanded Peter, sternly. + +"'I hope so, your majesty.' + +"'You lie, base traitor!' thundered the Czar, eyeing him with a glance +that chilled his blood. + +"'Has _she_ betrayed me?' ejaculated Praxin, turning deadly pale, and +involuntarily clutching the handle of his sword. + +"'No,' answered Peter in hoarse tones, 'witness, come forth.' + +"At that moment, the upper covering of the great pie was observed to +move, and in another instant, it was thrown back, discovering the +mighty Orloff, seated within the dish. + +"'God save the Czar!' said the dwarf, rising and stepping forth upon +the table, with a bow of studied politeness. + +"'Orloff, point out the traitor,' said Peter. + +"Orloff assumed an air of great penetration, and pointed toward the +Admiral, who stood alone, with his back against the wall, a perfect +picture of despairing guilt. + +"'That is the man,' said the dwarf. + +"'Give your proof.' + +"'Your majesty must know, that I was present while Admiral Praxin was +wooing the lady Olinska, and heard him say that your majesty dared not +offend him; he also declared that she had but to say the word, and he +would make her an Empress, explaining how he had the Poles, the Serfs, +the Swedish refugees, and the navy at his command, ready at his bidding +to make him Emperor of Russia.' + +"'What say you to this charge?' demanded Peter. + +"Praxin had regained somewhat of composure during the dwarf's speech; +and at its conclusion he approached the Czar and falling upon his +knees, surrendered his sword and belt. + +"'I am guilty,' he said, in firm tones. 'Take my sword, gracious +sovereign, and with it receive back the commission I have forever +disgraced. In a moment of ungovernable passion I spoke words which +should have choked me ere I uttered them, and which I would give my +life to recall. I desire no mercy; yet I would ask forgiveness of +Olinska, for daring to breathe treason in her presence.' + +"'Let us both forget it,' said Olinska, gently. + +"'Alas _I_ can never forget it,' he replied, pressing her hands to his +lips, and resuming his former attitude. + +"The Czar gazed some moments attentively and silently upon the face of +Praxin, as though to read his inmost soul, and then turning to +Nicholas, he said: + +"'Colonel Dimitri, it is but just that I should explain my conduct to +you and Olinska, as it was by making an unconscious tool of you that I +have ferreted this matter out. I intended that Olinska should have +wedded the Admiral, not knowing that her affections had been given to +another; but lately I have distrusted him and ordered a spy of the +police to watch him closely. My agent speedily brought me news of +_your_ engagement, and your intended course; and I resolved to throw +myself in your way, and gain a slight knowledge of your character. You +know how I succeeded in that attempt. I also requested Olinska to +receive the Admiral privately, and sent Orloff to be present--though +concealed--at the interview. The Countess Walewski was made acquainted +with my plans, by the dwarf, and hence your presence here. As a +punishment for an attempt to outwit me, I command that you be married +before you leave the palace. As for you, Admiral,' he continued, +turning to Praxin, 'in consideration of the many services you have +rendered us, I grant you a free pardon. You have been humiliated in the +eyes of your friends, and have failed to win a prize worthy of my best +subject. May you learn the lesson that passion will not always excuse +dangerous words, nor is a sovereign's leniency everlasting.' + +"Universal rejoicings followed this generous speech, and the victims of +the royal whim retired from the imperial palace, married--for better or +worse." + +This Russian tale sent us all home very thirsty, my boy; for its effect +was very dry. + + Yours, weariedly, + ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + LETTER LXXIV. + + CONCERNING THE SERIOUS MISTAKE OF THE VENERABLE GAMMON, THE + CHAPLAIN'S POETICAL DISCOVERY, THE PROMOTION OF COMMODORE HEAD, + AND THE RECEPTION OF THE PRESIDENT'S PROCLAMATION BY THE + SOUTHERN CONFEDERACY. + + + WASHINGTON, D. C., October 12th, 1862. + +The Southern Confederacy having delayed to sue for peace, my boy, until +the safety of Washington requires that national strategy should +continue metaphysical hostilities, it may be as well for you and me as +a nation to prepare for a speedy commencement of War in earnest. The +North, my boy, has not begun to fight yet; and as the stolid centuries +roll on, and the hoary years move one by one into the sunless solitude +of Eternity, it becomes daily more evident that the North's actual +putting forth of all its strength is merely a question of time. The +giant is only just rousing from his slumbers, and nothing but his legs +and feet appear to be thoroughly awake yet. + +Now, is the time, my boy, for the idiotic Confederacy to save himself, +by returning penitently to that beneficent Government which would have +realized the millenium at half-past two o'clock on the Fourth of July, +1776, but for the unseemly villainy of the accursed Black Republicans, +many of whom are shortly to be hung. + +That is to say, such is the opinion of the Venerable Gammon, whose +benignant presence is believed to have proved the salvation of our +distracted country in the Revolutionary War, though I can find nothing, +except his protecting patriarchal deportment toward all the present +universe, to justify the idea that he ever benefited anything. It +soothes the human soul, my boy, to hear this Venerable man discoursing +on the most trite subjects in tones, and with an air calculated to +bless all created things as with a paternal benediction. Surrounded by +a number of his idolatrous national children, and standing in front of +Willard's the other evening, he pointed fatly to a bright star +overhead, and says he: + +"That star is like our country. That star," says the Venerable Gammon, +with a meaningless smile of angelic purity, "is like any other star on +our flag; _though clouds may hide it in its ascending node, it is still +knowed to be ascending_." + +Then everybody felt cheered with the peaceful conviction that Columbia +was saved at last; and it's my private belief, my boy--my private +belief, that the attached populace looked upon this good old man as the +one who had made the star. + +Yet, strange as it may seem, this venerable Benefactor made a little +mistake on Tuesday. A sportive young chap came to him with a newspaper +in his hand, and says he: "Let me see if you can tell, my _Pater +Patria_, what paper this article is in"--and proceeded to read the +following high-minded editorial: + + "TREASON OF THE BLACK REPUBLICANS. + +"True to their foul instincts, the Greely, Cheever, and Wendell +Phillips herd of treasonable fanatics are now accusing their 'Honest +Old Abe' of ruining the country. It was their votes that elected the +rail-splitter, and now they turn tail upon him and howl maledictions +because he will not carry out their fiendish intents by erecting a +revolutionary guillotine in every Northern town and city. That +blasphemous mountebank, Beecher, may as well cease his treasonable +impiety at once; for he and his Sharps'-rifle crew are responsible for +the present bankruptcy of the whole country, and the people will yet +hold them to strict account for every drop of blood that has been and +will be shed in this unnatural strife." + +When sportive chap ceased reading, the Venerable Gammon waved his obese +hand with the fond, familiar air of a pleased benignity, and says he: + +"Of course, I know what paper that is, my son. I know the ring of those +sterling conservative sentiments," says the Venerable Gammon, with calm +satisfaction, "and am blessed in the knowledge that our loyal New York +Herald is still true to the Constitution and to the principles of my +old friend, Georgey Washington--or 'old Wash,' as he permitted me to +call him." + +The sportive chap softly picked his teeth with a wisp from a broom, and +says he: "But this ain't the Herald at all, you dear old soul; it's a +copy of the Richmond Whig!" It was at this very moment, my boy, that +the Venerable Gammon was first attacked by that dreadful cough which +put an end to all further conversation, and has since excited the most +fearful apprehensions lest a bereaved country should suddenly be called +to mourn the untimely loss of its benign idol. + +On Tuesday afternoon, I had a talk with the Mackerel chaplain, who had +remained here over Sunday to administer consolation to a dying +brigadier, and was grievously wounded in spirit to find that the +telegraph had committed a trifling breach of spelling, and that that +brigadier was only dyeing his hair, which had suddenly turned white in +a single night on the strength of a rumor that there might be some +fighting in the morning. + +The Mackerel chaplain, my boy, is of inestimable value to a wounded +man, his vivid and spiritual manner of describing the celebrated Fire +Department of the other world being a source of unspeakable comfort and +reassurance to the sufferer. "I am afraid you have led a sinful life, +my fellow-worm," says he to the sick Mackerel, "and can only advise you +to buy one of these hymn-books from me, which I can afford to sell for +six shillings." + +But what the chaplain talked to me about, was his discovery, at a +village not far from Winchester, of a new + + "PICCIOLA." + + It was a Sergeant old and gray, + Well singed and bronzed from siege and pillage, + Went tramping in an army's wake, + Along the turnpike of the village. + + For days and nights the winding host + Had through the little place been marching, + And ever loud the rustics cheered, + 'Till ev'ry throat was hoarse and parching. + + The Squire and Farmer, maid and dame, + All took the sight's electric stirring, + And hats were waved and staves were sung, + And kerchiefs white were countless whirring. + + They only saw a gallant show + Of heroes stalwart under banners, + And in the fierce heroic glow, + 'Twas theirs to yield but wild hosannahs + + The Sergeant heard the shrill hurrahs, + Where he behind in step was keeping; + But glancing down beside the road + He saw a little maid sit weeping. + + "And how is this?" he gruffly said, + A moment pausing to regard her;-- + "Why weepest thou, my little chit?"-- + And then she only cried the harder. + + "And how is this, my little chit?" + The sturdy trooper straight repeated, + "When all the village cheers us on, + That you, in tears, apart are seated? + + "We march two hundred thousand strong! + And that's a sight, my baby beauty, + To quicken silence into song + And glorify the soldier's duty." + + "It's very, very grand, I know," + The little maid gave soft replying; + "And Father, Mother, Brother too, + All say 'Hurrah' while I am crying; + + "But think--O Mr. Soldier, think, + How many little sisters' brothers + Are going all away to fight + And may be _killed_, as well as others!" + + "Why bless thee, child," the Sergeant said, + His brawny hands her curls caressing, + "'Tis left for little ones like you + To find that War's not all a blessing." + + And "Bless thee!" once again he cried; + Then cleared his throat and looked indignant, + And marched away with wrinkled brow + To stop the struggling tear benignant. + + And still the ringing shouts went up + From doorway, thatch, and fields of tillage; + The pall behind the standard seen + By one alone, of all the village. + + The oak and cedar bend and writhe + When roars the wind through gap and braken; + But 'tis the tenderest reed of all + That trembles first when Earth is shaken. + +It is with infinite satisfaction, my boy, that I record the recognition +of Commodore Head's priceless services on Duck Lake by the Secretary of +the Navy. Our grim old son of Neptune is created Rear-Admiral, with the +privilege of snubbing gunboat captains, receiving serenades, attending +launches, and lavishing untold scorn upon the feeble imitations of +affrighted Europe. + +Hence, there would appear to be an imperative demand in current +literature for an authoritative + + SKETCH OF COMMODORE HEAD. + +This venerable ornament of our peerless naval service, to whom the eyes +of the whole world are now directed, was born of one of his parents at +an early period of his existence, and has since incurred the years +temporarily elapsing between that epoch and the present auspicious +occasion. The subject of our brief biography entered the navy when he +was only fifty years old, as commander of the Mackerel iron-plated +squadron on Duck Lake, where he became widely noted for success in +fishing, as well as for his skill in eluding vessels running the +blockade. At one time, indeed, he came very near capturing a +Confederate ram, being only prevented by failing to find the key of the +box containing his spectacles in time to reconnoiter the wily foe. +Commodore Head's conversation concerning the speedy capture of +Vicksburg, Charleston, Savannah and Mobile, is instructive to all +minds, and his promotion is an event calculated to prove that the war +is about to begin in earnest. + + * * * * * + +Rear-Admirals, my boy, are an aristocratic institution; and their +creation must serve to convince besotted Europe, that in making a naval +distinction between rank and file, our discriminating Government knows +how to compromise matters by bestowing a new rank upon an old file. + +It was on Wednesday that my architectural steed, the Gothic Pegasus, +renewed his usual weekly journey to desolated Accomac, cheerfully +conveying me thither at a speed that did not keep the same roadside +house in view more than half an hour at a time. Having hitched the +funereal stallion to a copy of Senator Sumner's recent Faneuil Hall +speech, believing that document sufficiently heavy to hold him, I gave +him a discarded straw-hat of mine for his dinner, and strolled into the +Mackerel camp. + +To the everlasting disgrace of our rulers be it said, my boy, I found +the devoted Mackerel Brigade progressing toward deep suffering at a +rate which made me thank Heaven that I owned no chickens within sight +of the harrowing scene. Being thoughtlessly supplied with three days' +rations at a time, these neglected martyrs incur all the perils of +suffocation and cruel nightmare by doing nothing on the first day but +eat from morning till night, what is left over at midnight being used +to pelt each other with. Then for two whole days these gallant men who +are fighting our battles find famine staring them in the face, and I +actually heard one emaciated Mackerel chap offering a whole week's pay +to another Mackerel chap for a Confederate cracker which he had picked +up in a field, wishing to consign that cracker to his friends at home +as a sample of the unnatural food with which an ungrateful Republic +feeds its faithful soldiers. I even found many Mackerels without +knapsacks and blankets, which they had lost in adventures at "Old +Sledge"; and there was that in the countenances of others which sured +me that their poor faces had not been washed since the commencement of +the war! + +My soul turns sick at these things, my boy, and they even have an +effect upon a beholder's stomach. To think that our noble volunteers, +our country's preservers, should be subjected to sufferings in which +they have not even the poor consolation of knowing that somebody else +than themselves is responsible therefor. + +Reflectively I turned from the scene of agony, and had rambled some +fifteen minutes in an adjacent bit of woods, when the sound of voices +near by made me stop short behind a tree and peer eagerly through an +opening in the nearest thicket. + +Seated just beyond some evergreen bushes were four dilapidated +Confederacies, solemnly discussing the great Emancipation Proclamation +of our Honest Abe; whilst close by them, and astride of a mossy stone, +was the accomplished swordsman, Captain Munchausen, frantically, and +with many hiccups, endeavoring at one and the same time to catch a +phantom fly and maintain his equestrian position. + +One of the Confederacies took a bite from a cold potato which he held +in his hand, and, says he: + +"I reckon that it's near time for the unsubjugated South to adopt +Retaliatory measures, and proclaim that all prisoners hereafter taken +by the Confederacy shall be previously shot and made into +bone-ornaments." + +Here Captain Munchausen burst into an unseemly peal of laughter as he +made another wild clutch at the phantom-fly, and says he: + +"Wher--where's Mary's--ary's--snuff-box?" + +Not perceiving that this special remark was relevant to the question in +view, a second Confederacy merely tightened the string which held his +inexpressibles in place, and, says he: + +"What has been proposed by the Honorable Gentleman from the Alms House +is not sufficiently severe. No mercy should be shown to the Washington +demon, and I move that any Federal soldiers found disturbing a +Confederacy during the progress of a battle shall be at once executed +for arson." + +The impression created by this motion extended even to Captain +Munchausen, who fell flat on his face in a frantic attempt to catch the +spectral insect, and exclaimed, in tones of awful solemnity: + +"I don't want (hic) to be marri--ry--arried--Hic!" + +After a moment's pause, the third Confederacy finished buttoning his +coat with a bit of corn-cob, and says he: + +"I move that the last Resolution be amended, to make it a capital crime +for any person whatever to be guilty of Federal extraction." + +Now, it chanced, my boy, that there was a Mackerel picket eating a +confiscated watermelon in a clump of bushes close behind me; and just +at this crisis of the debate, he casually tossed a piece of the rind in +the direction of the Confederacies. It happened to fall in their midst, +whereupon the enraged statesmen were seized with great tremblings, and +immediately skedaddled in all directions, the last being Captain +Munchausen, who at first endeavored to carry a rock of some hundred +pounds' weight away with him, and ultimately retreated in a +highly-circuitous manner, with an expression of abject despair under +his cap. + +It is said, my boy, that the celebrated Confederacy will resent the +Proclamation by raising the Black Flag. It is a common belief, that if +such be the case, it will be the duty of our generals to raise the +blacks without flagging. + + Yours, if it come to that, + ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + LETTER LXXV. + + SETTING FORTH THE FALSE AND TRUE ASPECTS OF BEAMING OLD AGE + RESPECTIVELY, AND SHOWING HOW THE UNBLUSHING CONFEDERACY MADE + ANOTHER RAID. + + + WASHINGTON, D. C., October 19th, 1862. + +It is a beautiful and improving thing, my boy, to see the wise and +polished mob of a great nation paying unmitigated reverence to fussy +gray hairs, and much shirt collar; and hence I never grew tired of +considering the dignified case of the Venerable Gammon, whom everybody +regards as the benign paternal relative of his country. When I see +Generals, Senators, and other proprietors of Government property, +hanging breathlessly upon the words of this sublime old man, just as +though such words were so many gallows, I feel the cause of Justice +typified to my mind's eye, and am myself enthusiastic enough to believe +that hanging is too good for them. Whether at Willard's, the White +House, the Capitol, or in his native Mugville, the Venerable Gammon is +ever the same beneficent being, beaming blandly upon the whole universe +from above his ruffles, and paternally permitting it to exist in his +presence. + +The precise thing he has done in his fearfully long lifetime, my boy, +to beget such an agony of love and worship from everybody, has not yet +come to the immediate knowledge of anybody; but he is the moss-grown +oracle of the United States of America, and it gives me unspeakable +satisfaction to reproduce as follows, his benign letter of advice to +the idolized General of the Mackerel Brigade: + + MUGVILLE, July 4, 1776. + +DEAR SIRRAH,--Justly regarding you as the next President of the United +States, and an honored successor of my old friend, Georgey Washington, +I deem it proper, by reason of my great importance and infirmities, to +repeat in writing with a pen what I have before spoken to you with my +tongue--this supplement to my printed views (dated April the First) on +the highly inflamed condition of our glorious and distracted Union. + +To meet the expectations of a populace admiring my venerable shape, I +deem it consistent with my retiring modesty and infirmities to dictate +to you the four plans you may pursue by way of making yourself +President of our distracted Commonwealth in 1865. + +I.--Throw off the old and assume a new designation--the sly old party; +give the South entire control of the whole country, and, my wig upon +it, we shall have no secession; but, on the contrary, an early return +of the entire Confederacy to Washington. Without some equally benignant +measure, we shall be compelled to fight all the Border States and put +them down at once, instead of keeping two hundred thousand soldiers +peaceably employed in making their loyalty continually sure. + +II.--Collect the war taxes outside of the States where the tax-payers +live, or declare upon paper that they are already collected. + +III.--Conquer the seceded States by the unheard-of agency of an actual +army. I think this might be done in a few hundred years by a young and +able general to be found on some railroad, with six hundred thousand +disciplined spades. Estimating a third of this number to remain for +ever stationary on the Potomac, and a loss of a still greater number by +consummate strategy and changings of base. The loss of chickens and +contrabands on the other side would be frightful, however great the +morality of the mudsills. + +This conquest would cost money that might otherwise go to beautify the +South, secure fifteen swearing and deeply-offended provinces, and be +immediately followed by a new election for President in 1865. + +IV.--Say to the Seceded States, in one of which I own some mortgages: +"_How are you, Southern Confederacy?_" + + Deliberately, I remain, + Your father and the country's, + V. GAMMON. + +This touching letter, my boy, I recommend to your most prayerful +consideration, as a paternal outpouring of shirt-collared old age. + +Old age! how beautiful art thou in the glory of thy spectacles, and the +sublime largeness of thy stomach and manner. And yet, would you believe +it, my boy? I am sometimes possessed of great doubtings as to the +genuineness of that majesty which makes a continually-looming Venerable +Shape such a great blessing to an imperiled land. Sometimes there comes +to me a rickety vision of: + + AGE BLUNTLY CONSIDERED. + + As Age advances, ails and aches attend, + Backs builded broadest burdensomely bend; + Cuttingly cruel comes consuming Care, + Dealing delusions, drivelry, despair. + + Empty endeavor enervately ends, + Fancy forlornly feigns forgotten friends; + Gout, grimly griping, gluttonously great, + Hasten's humanity's hard-hearted hate. + + Intentions imbecile invent ideas + Justly jocunding jolly jokers' jeers: + Knowledge--keen kingdom knurlyably known-- + Lingers, lamenting life's long lasting loan, + + Mammonly mumming, magnifying motes, + Nurtures numb Nature's narrowest nursery notes, + Opens old age's odious offering out-- + Peevish punctilio, parrot-pining pout. + + Qualmishly querrying, quarrelsomely quaint, + Rousing rife ridicules' repealed restraint; + Speaking soft silliness--such shallow show + That tottering toysters, tickled, titter too. + + Useless, ungainly unbeloved, unblest, + Virtue's vague visor, vice's veiling vest, + Wheezingly whimpering, wanting wisdom, wit, + Xistence, Xigent, Xclaims--Xit! + + Youths, you're yelept youth's youngest; yet you'll + Zestless zig-zaggers zanyable zealed. + +I exhibited that pleasing little poem to a Mackerel chap, who +stuttered, my boy; and he came so near going into apoplexy through his +endeavors to read it, that I was obliged to make a joke, in order that +he might smile, relax, and recover. + +And now let your mind fly, like a wearied dove, to the celebrated +Arcadian scenes of festive Accomac, where the Mackerel Brigade +continues to reconnoitre in force, and awaits the death of the +Confederacy by old age. Men, my boy, who entered this strategic war in +the full bloom of youth, now go with stooping shoulders and tottering +gait when they have a barrel of flour to carry, and the bloom has +departed from every part of them save the extreme tip of that handle of +the human countenance which first meets the edge of an open door in the +dark. Even the Mackerel brass-band begins to grow feeble, often making +pitiable attempts to execute stirring strains on his night key bugle, +as though unconscious that by long disuse in his pocket it had become +clogged with bread and cheese. + +There is, on the Southern border of Accomac, my boy, a solitary house, +containing furniture and the necessaries of life, which the Conic +Section of the Mackerel Brigade had been ordered to guard. It stands +immediately on the verdant banks of Awlkwyet River, where that stream +must be at least ten inches deep; and as the first regular bridge is +ten miles below it, of course the Conic Section, to guard the house, +was placed at the end of that bridge--it being a principle of national +strategy never to recognize any Confederate raid not made across a +regular bridge. + +Now it chanced, that while the Conic Section at the bridge was taking a +short nap, having been up very late the night before; and while the +beloved General of the Mackerel Brigade was visiting a portion of his +beautiful home-circle in Paris, that a very dirty Confederacy, riding +in a seedy go-cart, made his appearance on the bank of the river +opposite the house, and commenced to make a raid right through the +water to the shore this side. His geometrical steed wet his feet +thereby, and the wheels of his squeaking vehicle were damped by this +barbarian way of offering irregular opposition to the Government; but +what cared he for the rules of civilized warfare, which are the only +authorized West Point editions? Like all his infatuated countrymen, he +was rendered less than strategic by the demon of Secession, and he +crossed by the unmilitary ford instead of by the military bridge. + +This is, indeed, heart-sickening. + +There was a Mackerel chap who slept in the house to take care of a +large black bottle, and when he heard the go-cart driving up before the +door, he stuck his head out of the window, and says he: + +"What is it which you would have in these irregular proceedings, Mr. +Stuart?" + +The Confederacy dismounted from his chariot, tied a bag of oats over +his charger's head, and says he: + +"I'm making a raid." + +The Mackerel waved his hand southward, and says he: + +"You'll find the bridge just below. Don't stay here," says the +Mackerel, earnestly, "or you'll exasperate the North to fury." + +Here the Confederacy made some remark in which the name of the North +and a profane expletive were connected very closely, and proceeded to +bring from the house a hobby-horse which stood in the hall. After +placing this valuable article in his go-cart, he next brought out a +cooking-stove; closely following this with some chairs, a dining-table, +two feather beds, a tea-set, four wine-glasses and some tumblers, a +looking-glass, four sheets, two cottage bedsteads, a Brussels carpet, +and a Maltese cat. With these and a few other exceptions, my boy, he +made no attempt to disturb private property; thereby proving that the +President's Proclamation has already produced a wholesome effect in the +degenerate South. + +While this was going on, the vigilant Mackerel guard descended +privately from a back window, and made a forced march to where the +Conic Section were watching something which looked like a man in the +Southern horizon--instantly making known the audacious raid of the +thieving Confederacy, and asking whether the new levies of the +Executive's last call were likely to arrive early enough to take +measures for the prevention of the capture of Washington. + +While the question was in debate, my boy, the beloved General of the +Mackerel Brigade arrived with his trunk and umbrella from Paris, and +having caused it to be telegraphed to all the reliable morning journals +that the Confederacy were now in a fair way to be captured alive, he at +once took measures to cut off the retreat of the latter. Captain +Villiam Brown, with Company 3, Regiment 5, was at once ordered to +construct a pontoon bridge across the river some miles below, and watch +it vigilantly day and night; Captain Bob Shorty and Colonel Wobert +Wobinson, with the Anatomical Cavalry, were dispatched to take +possession of a railroad leading to Manassas; whilst Captain Samyule +Sa-mith with the balance of the Conic Section, was commanded to make a +detour of three hundred miles, and endeavor to reach the invaded house +before midwinter set in. + +All these movements were in accordance with profound strategy, my boy, +and cut off the Confederacy from retreat by every route in the world, +except the insignificant one he came by. + +Satisfied that the war was going to end in about sixty days, after +which we should have time to defeat combined Europe, the Mackerel guard +hastened back to the domicil, which he reached just in time to find the +Confederacy topping his go-cart with some kindling-wood from the cellar. + +I regret to say, my boy--I blush for my species as I make the +incredible revelation--that upon receiving the information of his +surrounding and probable strategic capture by the vigilant Mackerel +Brigade, the irreverent Confederacy burst into a hideous horse-laugh, +and at once proceeded to appropriate the poor Mackerel chap's own shoes +and stockings. With the deepest horror I record, that he also tweaked +the Mackerel's nose. + +"I did not intend this as a permanent invasion," says the impious +Confederacy, as he remounted his go-cart and turned his geometrical +Arabian toward the water again; "but I have just married a daughter of +South Carolina--one of two twins--and reckoned that I needed some +things to set up housekeeping. Farewell, foul Hessian," says the +Confederacy, as he splashed through the water to the opposite +bank--"fare thee well, and tell your fiendish ruler, that it is +somewhat impossible to conquer the sunny South." + +The Mackerel chap gazed thoughtfully after the go-cart as it +disappeared on the other side of the balmy Awlkwyet stream, and says +he: "Rail on, my erring brother; but if you'd only stayed here one more +week, you might not have escaped thus for seven whole days. Had the +army been insufficient to secure you," says the Mackerel to himself, +"had the army been insufficient to secure you, why, there's the police." + +Raids, my boy, are so intrinsically irregular in their character, that +no provision can be made for them in a regular army; hence they are +sometimes necessitated to take provisions for themselves as they go on. + + Yours, radiantly, + ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + LETTER LXXVI. + + REFERRING TO THE MOSQUITO AS A TEST OF HUMAN NATURE, EXPLAINING THE + LONG HALT OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE, AND NOTING THE COURT OF + INQUIRY ON CAPTAIN VILLIAM BROWN. + + + WASHINGTON, D. C., October 26th, 1862. + +Early this morning, my boy, I sauntered across the Long Bridge and took +my seat upon the topmost rail of a fence enclosing a trampled meadow. +There I sat, like Marius, my boy, contemplating the architectural ruin +embodied in my Gothic steed, Pegasus, and ever and anon whistling +abstractedly to my frescoed dog, Bologna. + +By the gods! I really love these dumb friends of mine. The speculative +eye of the world sees in poor Pegasus nothing more than an +architectural dream--the church architecture of the future--and, I must +confess, my boy, that the Gothic charger _does_ look something like a +skeleton chapel at a distance; it sees in Bologna only a mongrel cur, +whose taste for the calves of human legs is an epicurean outrage on +walking society. But for me, my boy, there is a human pathos in the +patient fidelity of these zoological curiosities which appeals to my +best manhood. I have had a hard and thankless life of it; my experience +with the knowing political chaps of the Sixth Ward was enough to grind +everything like human tenderness out of my nature, and make me turn +into an arrogant and contemptuous misanthrope; but there are times when +the cold nose of Pegasus against my cheek, or a wag from that speaking +tail of Bologna--which curls up behind him like a note of +interrogation, to ask how his master feels--will give me such a +sensation of wishing to protect and be kind to the Helpless, that I +feel myself a better man for the practical Christianity of such humble +society. + +There is my mosquito, the youthful Humboldt, too! He came to me one +night, about two years ago, my boy, practising much profound strategy +to capture my nose; and when I foiled him by a free use of both arms of +the service, the unterrified and humming manner in which he changed the +base of his operations and came on again, excited my admiration and +respect. Catching him in a little net cage made from the musquito bars +of my bed, I kept him safely by me, and now use him as a test of human +nature. In God's providence, each minute created thing has its +appointed use, my boy, and depend upon it, the use of the musquito is +to test human nature. + +There was a veteran political chap from Albany called upon me last +Sunday night. A sage and aged chap of infinite vest, who wears the +broad-brimmed hat of reticent respectability, and nestles in much +shirt-collar like a centuried owl. Having taken a pinch of snuff after +the dirty manner of a Gentleman of the Old School, he merely paused to +take a hasty glance at the plan for the next Senatorial election in his +note book, and then says he: + +"I'm grievously dis'pointed, yea, piteously vexed, to see the partisan +spirit raging so furiously in State elections, at a time when an +expiring country calls upon all her sons, irrespective of party, to +join hands in the great work of saving her. Why cannot these turbulent +denouncers of each other be like me, who recognize no division of party +in this national crisis? I would have a union of all men to vote for +the one great ticket of my choice; and even the democrat I would +recognize as a fellow being in such a case." + +I suspected this grievous old chap to be a hypocrite, my boy, and I +managed to let Humboldt free from his cage for the purpose of testing +him. As the aged chap commenced to get warm, Humboldt began to make +raids round his sagacious head, and with divers slaps in the air, the +aged chap waxed spirited, and says he; + +"Pshoo! pshoo!--As I was saying, we should all strive to conciliate our +political adversaries--pshoo! and endeavor to promote a spirit of unity +even with the most disaffected peace men--pshoo, you beast!--and not +act like Greeley and Wendell Phillips, and Beecher--confound it, +pshoo!--and other infernal fanatics; who, by their indiscreet, +imprudent--curse it, pshoo!--and infernal, God-forsaken niggerism, are +wounding the tenderest feelings--thunder and lightning, pshoo!--and +rousing the hellish passions of really good democrats, who thereby make +capital from their sadly mistaken--blazes and blue lightning, +pshoo!--and devilish craziness, which is unfortunately confusing--good +heavens, pshoo, pshoo!--and damning their own party, and knocking +thunder out of the gubernatorial canvass; besides--besides--" + +Here this aged chap made a flying leap at Humboldt, missed his aim, and +then dashed madly from the room. + +Depend upon it, my boy, a musquito is a great test of human nature. The +little chap operates like an outside conscience, and brings the real +thing to the surface. + +Why does not the Mackerel Brigade advance? + +This, my boy, is the question of the hour. For what do our heroes wait? +Is it for india-rubbers, or umbrellas, or fine-tooth combs? No! be not +deceived: it is for none of these. + +Hem! The fact is, my boy, many respectable though married Mackerels +entered the army of the Accomac when they were in the prime of life; +and as old age steals softly upon them, as the seasons and the bases of +operations run through their changes, and year succeeds year, the +eye-sight of many of them waxes dim, and fails in the process of +Nature. I know some thousands of Mackerels, my boy, who are already so +blind that they have not seen a rebel for six months; and hence, no +advance-movement can be judiciously made until the brigade is supplied +with spectacles. Without these, the idolized General of the Mackerel +Brigade will not do anything until he gets ready. It was the want of +these, as I now discover, that prevented our troops seeing the Southern +Confederacy when he made his late raid across Awlkwyet River. Let the +spectacles be at once procured, my boy; or an indignant and bleeding +nation will at once demand a change in the Cabinet. + +Company 3, Regiment 5, is the only Company yet fitted with glasses, and +was therefore selected to make a reconnoissance toward Paris, under +Colonel Wobert Wobinson, on Tuesday afternoon, for the purpose of +discovering whether the Confederacies there were very tired of waiting +yet. Glaring through their spectacles, these gallant beings advanced +until they met a Parrot shell going the other way, and then returned +with hasty discipline, bringing with them a captured contraband, who +was so anxious to remain in their company that he actually ran very +fast. + +Upon regaining the camp in Accomac, my boy, the colonel had the +intelligent contraband brought before him, and says he: + +"If I mistake not, friend Africa, you were escaping from the bonds of +oppression when we took you?" + +The intelligent contraband shifted a silver soup-ladle from one pocket +to the other, and says he: + +"Yes, mars'r colonel, I hab left my ole mars'r for de good of his +bressed soul." Here the attached bondman sniffed and shook his head. + +"Are you pious?" says Colonel Wobinson, much affected by such an +example of humble devotion. + +"Yes, mars'r I is dat," says the fond creature, wiping his brow with a +silk vest from his dress-coat pocket, "and I wished to save my ole +mars'r from de sin of de wicked. I know dat it was wrong for him to own +niggas, and dat he was more sinful de more he done it. And I run away, +Mars'r Colonel, to save dat ole man's bressum soul from any more dam." + +Colonel Wobinson took off his spectacles in order that the steam from +his tears might not dim them, and says he: + +"I had not looked for this in one so black. Leave those silver spoons +with me, friend Africa, and I will send them to my wife. Sergeant, +convey this dark being, who has taught us all such a lesson of +self-sacrifice, to the chaplain; and tell the chaplain to look out for +his pocket." + +How beautiful is it, my boy, to see in the uncouth, unlettered slave, a +spirit of piety so shiningly practical. When I beheld the brutalized +bondman evince such signs of religion, I am reminded of those tender +and precocious little babes, who sometimes delight their mothers with +exalted utterances of the like, and am inclined to believe that one +knows just as much about it as the other does. + +It pains me to say, my boy, that Captain Villiam Brown so far forgot +himself on Wednesday, upon discovering the non-arrival of the +spectacles, that he used language of an incendiary description against +the beloved General of the Mackerel Brigade, thereby proving himself to +be one of those crazy fanatics who are trying to ruin our distracted +country. He said, my boy, that the adored General of the Mackerel +Brigade was a dead-beat, and furthermore observed that he would be very +sorry to take his word. + +Such language could not pass unnoticed, and a Court of Inquiry, +composed of Captains Bob Shorty, Samyule Sa-mith, and Colonel Wobert +Wobinson, was instantly called. The Court had a decanter and tumbler +only, to aid its deliberations, it being determined by the War +Department that no fact which could be detected even by the aid of a +glass, should go uninspected. + +Villiam having been summoned to the presence, Samyule declared the +Court in session, and says he: + +"The sad duty has become ours, to investigate certain charges against a +brother in arms which has heretofore been the mirror of chivalry. It is +specified against him: + +"'_First_--That said Captain Villiam Brown, Eskevire, did affirm, +declare, avow, testify, and articulate, with his tongue, licker, and +organ of speech, that the General of the Mackerel Brigade was a +dead-beat. + +"'_Second_--That aforesaid Captain Villiam Brown, Eskevire, did +proclaim, utter, enunciate, fulminate and swear, that he would not take +the word of the General of the Mackerel Brigade.' + +"What has the culprit to say to these charges? Did he say that our +idolized Commander was a dead-beat?" + +Villiam smiled calmly, and says he: "The chaste remark exactly fits the +orifice of my lips." + +"Confine yourself to English," says Colonel Wobinson, majestically. +"What do you mean by the observation?" + +"Why," says Villiam, pleasantly, "I meant, that before he was beaten he +must be dead. And after death, you know," says Villiam, reaching one +hand abstractedly toward the decanter, "after death, you know, we must +all _b'eaten_ by worms." + +This explanation, my boy, was satisfactory, and conveyed a grave moral +lesson; but the court felt convinced that the second charge could +not be thus simply answered. + +Captain Samyule Sa-mith set down the tumbler for a moment, and says he: + +"You're not guilty on the first count, Villiam; but didn't you say that +you wouldn't take the word of the General of the Mackerel Brigade?" + +"Which I did," says Villiam. + +"And what excuse have you to offer, my trooper?" says Captain Bob +Shorty, pointing the question with his spoon. + +"Is the general a gentleman?" says Villiam, searchingly. + +The court believed him to be such. + +"Ah!" says Villiam, "then if he's a gentleman, he always _keeps_ his +word, and of course it is impossible to _take_ it." + +Verdict of "not guilty, with a recommendation to mercy." + +Courts of Inquiry, my boy, are calculated to draw out the rich humor of +military character, and are equally useful and appropriate with all +other jokes, in times of devastating war. + + Yours, smilingly, + ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + LETTER LXXVII. + + SHOWING WHAT EFFECT DEMOCRATIC TRIUMPHS HAVE UPON THE PRESIDENT, + NOTING OUR CORRESPONDENT'S STRANGE MISTAKE ABOUT A BRITISH + FLAG, AND INDICATING THE STRAGETIC ADVANCE OF THE MACKEREL + BRIGADE. + + + WASHINGTON, D. C., November 7th, 1862. + +The late election in New York, my boy, has electrified everybody except +our Honest Abe, who still goes about smiling, like a long and amiable +sexton, and continues to save our distracted country after the manner +of an honest man. On Tuesday night, a high moral Democratic chap, of +much watch-seal, who had just received a dispatch all about the +election, went to see the Honest Abe, for the express purpose of +telling him that the Democratic party had been born again, and was on +the point of protesting against everything whatsoever, except the +Constitution of our forefathers. He found the Honest Abe cracking some +walnuts before the fire, my boy, and says he: + +"The celebrated Democratic organization, of which I am Assistant +Engineer, has carried the State of New York in a manner impossible to +express, and will now proceed to demand of you a vigorous prosecution +of that unnatural strife in which are involved our lives, our +liberties, and the pursuit of happiness. We admire to see your harmless +honesty," says the chap, blandly, "and we believe you to be a fresh +egg; but we protest against the arbitrary arrest of men which is +patriots, only conservatively Democratic; and we insist upon a vigorous +prosecution of Constitutional hostilities against our misguided +brothers who are now offering irregular opposition to the Government." + +The Honest Abe cracked a walnut, and says he: "You say, neighbor, that +the organization still insists upon a vigorous prosecution of the war?" + +The Democratic chap sliced a toothpick from the arm of the chair with +his knife, and says he: "That is the present platform on which we are +_E pluribus unum_." + +"Well," says the Honest Abe, "I believe that you mean well; but am +reminded of a little story. + +"When I was practicing law out in Illinois," says the Honest Abe, +twisting the bow of his black necktie around from under his left ear, +"there was an old cock, with two sons, living near me in a tumble-down +old shanty. He lived there until half his roof blew off one windy +night, and then he concluded to move to a new house, where the chimney +didn't take up all the upper story. On the day when he moved, he'd got +most all his traps changed to the other residence, and had sent one of +his sons to see that they were all got safely indoors, when suddenly a +shower commenced to come up. The old man and his other offspring, who +had stayed to hurry him, were taking up a carpet from the floor at the +time the first dose of thunder cracked, and the offspring says he, +'Hurry up, old crazy-bones, or we'll be ketched in the freshet before +you get up this here rich fabric.' The stern parent heeded the +admonition, and went ripping away the carpet around the edges of the +room, until he came near where the offspring was standing, and there it +stuck. He pulled, but it wouldn't come, and he says, says he: ''Pears +to me that dod-rotted tack must be a tenpenny nail--it holds on so.' +You see, the old screw was very blind without his specs," says the +Honest Abe, buttoning his vest askew, "and he couldn't see just where +the tack was. Another peal of thunder at this moment made the irascible +offspring still madder, and he says, says he: 'You misabul old cripple, +if you don't hurry up we'll be ketched, I tell you!' As he made this +dutiful remark he went stamping to the window, and at the same moment +the cantankerous tack came out, and the aged parent went over on his +back with the carpet up to his chin. He got up and dusted, and says he: +'Well, now, that _is_ cur'ous--how suddent it went.' Then he proceeded +to rip away again, until it came near the window, and there it stuck +once more. The wild offspring saw him tugging again, and it made him so +wrathy that he says, says he: 'Why in thunder didn't you take the nails +out first, you crooked old sinner, you? It's enough to make me weep +afresh for the old woman, to see how you--' But he didn't finish his +observation; for, as he walked toward where the hammer lay, the tack +came out, and the old 'un went to bed again under the carpet. Up sprang +the sad parent, spitting rags, and he says, says he: 'Well now, how +cur'ous--to think it should come so suddent!' Still on he went, until +the carpet was all up from around the edges; but when he tried to draw +it away on his shoulder, it was fast somewheres yet. R-r-rum-bum-boom! +went the thunder; and says the infuriated offspring, says he: 'Well, I +never did see such a blundering old dad as you be. We'll be ketched in +the rain as sure as grasshoppers; and all because you didn't take my +advice about the hammer in the first place.' The poor old 'un tugged, +and pulled, and panted, and says he: 'Well, now, it _is_ cur'ous, I +swun to massey. There can't be no tacks way out in the middle of the +floor here, can they?' To make sure, the old blind-pate was going down +on his knees to take a mouse-eye view, when all of a sudden he gave a +start, and he says, says he: 'Why, 'pears to me, Sammy, _you're +standin' on the carpet yourself!_' And so he was--so he was," says the +Honest Abe, smiling into the fire, "and that was the why the carpet had +stuck fast in so many places." + +"Now," says the Honest Abe, poking the Democratic chap in the ribs with +his knuckles; "if your organization wants me to move vigorously in this +war, tell them not to be standing on my carpet all the time. Otherwise, +I must still keep tacking about." + +The Democratic chap had been slowly rising from his chair as this small +moral tale drew toward its exciting conclusion, and at the last word he +fled the apartment with quivering watch-seal. + +Our President, my boy, has a tale for every emergency, as a rat-trap +has an emergency for every tail. + +It was on the morning of this same day, that I had a pleasing +conversation on the state of our foreign relations with a phlegmatic +British chap connected with the English Ministry, who is remaining here +for the purpose of beholding anarchy in the North, which he has been +requested to immediately communicate to one of Great Britain's morning +journals. We were taking Richmond together at Willard's, my boy, and +had just been speaking of the English Southern pirate "Alabama" in +terms of neutrality, when suddenly the phlegmatic chap drew a roll of +silk from one of his pockets, fastened it to his cane, unfurled it +before my eyes, and says he: + +"By the way, sir, 'ow do you like this ere h'original h'idea of mine? +Do you see what it is?" + +"Yes, friend Bifstek," says I, Frenchily, "that is indeed the Black +Flag." + +The chap turned very red in the face, my boy, and says he: "The Black +Flag! what a 'orrible h'idea! You must be thinking of the h'Alabama. +What h'induces you to suppose such a thing!" + +[Illustration] + +"Why," says I, "there's the Skull and Crossbones plain enough." + +"Skull and Crossbones!!" says he, "why, that's the beautiful Hinglish +crest--a crown and sceptres; and this is my new h'original design, ye +know, for a new Hinglish Revenue Flag." + +It was then, my boy, that I discovered my error, and apologized for my +obliquity of vision. It was strange, indeed, that I should mistake for +a skull the insignia of royalty, even though a crown is not +unfrequently found identified with a numskull. + +On the same Tuesday, my boy, there was a small election in a town just +this side of Accomac, and I went down there early in the morning, to +the office of the excellent independent evening journal, that I might +see the returns as soon as they came in. The editor was talking to two +chaps--a Republican and a Democrat--and, says he: + +"The organ which my humble talents keep a-going is strictly +independent, and I have no choice of candidates. I care only for my +country, one and individual," says the editor, touchingly, "and can +make no arbitrary discrimination of mere parties; but as you both +advertise your tickets in my moral journal, a sense of duty may induce +me to favor the side whose advertisement weighs the most." + +After this gentle insinuation, my boy, each chap hastily commenced to +write his advertisement. The Republican inscribed his upon a _very_ +heavy piece of brown wrapping-paper to make it weighty; but the +Democrat selected a plain bit of foolscap, only putting in a +hundred-dollar Treasury Note, to keep it from blotting. + +When the editor came to look at the two, he coughed slightly, and says +he: "I have always been a Democrat." + +"But my advertisement certainly weighs the most," says the Republican +chap, hotly. + +The editor ate a chestnut, and says he: "Not in an intellectual sense, +my friend." + +"My paper is twice as heavy as his," says the chap; "and as to the +Treasury Note, I had some scruples--" + +"There!" says the editor, interruptingly, "you tell the whole story, my +friend. In the temple of a free and reliable press, as well as +elsewhere, some scruples bear very little proportion in weight to one +hundredweight." + +The American press, my boy, might occasionally adopt as an appropriate +motto, the present Napoleon's observation, that "_L'Empire c'est la_ +PAY." + +Turning from intellectual matters, let me glance at our country's hope +and pride, the Mackerel Brigade, each member of whom feels confident of +ultimately crushing out this hideous Rebellion as soon as national +strategy shall have revealed the present whereabouts of the affrighted +Confederacy. Last week, my boy, the Brigade moved gorgeously from +Accomac, headed by the band, who played exciting strains upon his +night-key bugle; and was only fired upon from the windows of wayside +houses by helpless women, against whom the United States of America do +not make war. + +Woman, my boy, is the most helpless of God's creatures; and is so far +from having power to help any other being, that she even can't help +being herself sometimes. + +The sun shone brightly down upon the spectacles of the ancient +Mackerels as they once more took the road toward Paris; and as the +light was reflected from the glistening glasses upon the carmine noses +of which they were astride, it seemed as though each warrior had a rose +in the middle of his countenance to symbolize the beautiful idea, that +they had all arose for their distracted country's preservation. + +Captain Villiam Brown, mounted on his geometrical steed, Euclid, was +conversing affably with Captain Bob Shorty, as they rode along +together, when a Lieutenant of the Anatomical Cavalry came dashing +toward him, and says he: + +"Captain, there's something missing from the rearguard." + +Villiam assumed a thoughtful demeanor, and says he: "Is it a miss fire?" + +"No," says the Lieutenant, agitatedly: "but we miss two--" + +"Not baggage wagons?" says Villiam, giving such a start that Euclid +nearly fell upon his knees; "don't tell me that two wagons are missing." + +"Why no," says the Lieutenant, with emotion, "it's not two wagons that +we miss, but two Brigadiers." + +"Ah!" says Villiam, fanning himself with his cap. "How you alarmed me. +I thought at first that it was two wagons. Let the procession go on, +and I'll send for two more Brigs the next time I have a friend going to +Washington." + +It would please me, my boy, to detail the further movements of the +Mackerels, but the cause of strategy demands that I should say no more +on that topic just at present. + +The beloved General of the Mackerel Brigade was at Washington when he +heard of the advance which his enemies would pretend that he did not +lead in person, and says he to the messenger: + +"Are my gallant children ready for a fight?" + +"Much so," says the messenger. + +"Is the weather clear, my child?" + +"Salubrious." + +"Thunder!" says the General, valorously. "Then I really believe that I +must move my headquarters across the Potomac!" + +The Potomac, my boy--to speak with all due reverence for sacred +things--in the numerous backs and forths it so constantly imposes upon +the military, would seem calculated to turn this war into another +Crusade, and make all our heroes literal soldiers of the "cross." + + Yours, metaphorically, + OEPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + LETTER LXXVIII. + + IN WHICH THE STORY TOLD BY THE GERMAN MEMBER OF THE COSMOPOLITAN + CLUB IS DULY REPORTED. + + + WASHINGTON, D. C., November 12th, 1862. + +Herr Tuyfeldock, my boy, the high-Dutch cosmopolitan, supernaturalized +the last meeting of the club with his old-fashioned story of + + + HERMANN, THE DEMENTED. + +"At the base of a lofty mountain, and overshadowed by its beetling +cliffs, stood a rude hut, built of heavy logs, and surmounted by a +roof, the eaves of which descended in broad scollops over the windows +of the tenement, and gave it the appearance of a small boy wearing his +father's hat. In the surrounding scenery there was a wild grandeur and +magnificence with which no work of art would have been in keeping. +Immediately in the rear of the humble habitation, abruptly rose one of +a range known as the Hartz Mountains, stretching far away toward the +west in waves of bright and shadowy emerald, as the light fell upon +them, and covered with gloomy forests, peopled with unblest spirits by +the legends of olden times. In front and on both sides, spreading out +its vast expanse of verdant soil, until it appeared to meet with the +horizon, was a noble plain, bearing scattered clumps of trees, through +which a few isolated huts were discernable. It was like Light and Shade +meeting, with the hut under the cliff to mark their boundaries. + +"Evening had just begun to tint the fragrant air with her sombre hues, +when a figure was apparent, moving over the plain in the direction of +the lonely domicil, and, as it approached nearer, the muscular form and +pleasing features of a young hunter were visible. He was exceedingly +tall, yet symmetrical in every limb, and quick in his movements as a +chamois on its native hills. His dress comprised a coat and leggins of +blue material, ornamented with silver buttons, a pair of heavy boots, +and a narrow-brimmed straw hat, from which a wolf's tail depended. He +carried a long rifle, and a bag for small game swung, with a powder +flask, or horn, at his side. + +"Arriving in front of the hut, he paused a moment to examine some +footprints on the soil, and then tapped gently at the door with the +butt of his piece. In an instant it was opened by a beautiful girl, +with light blue eyes, flaxen curls, and a complexion of pure red and +white, who, though dressed in the coarsest attire, yet looked and shone +a perfect goddess of the solitude. + +"'Dearest Marcella,' exclaimed the hunter, seizing her extended hand, +and carrying it to his lips with all the ardor of a lover. + +"'I feared you were not coming to-night, Wilhelm,' answered Marcella, +with a blush of pleasure, as she led him into the hut by the hand which +she still retained. + +"The apartment thus entered occupied the whole structure, save a +portion apparently partitioned off with wolf skins; and a rude table, +six chairs, and a goatskin covered couch, were the only articles of +furniture it contained, excepting a few trophies of the chase hanging +from the walls, and a woodman's axe placed over the mantel. The floor +was composed of logs, and was very uneven, save directly opposite the +fire-place, where a large flat stone was firmly imbedded in the earth; +and a small oil lamp, swinging in chains from the arching roof above, +gave forth a pale light which mingled imperceptibly with that of +departing day in a mellow twilight. + +"'Marcella,' said Wilhelm, as they sat beside each other on the couch, +'I can scarcely realize that you are the wild little fairy, with whom I +used to explore the dark woods of haunted Hartz. I can remember, too, +standing with you under the blighted pine, and relating old legends +which I heard my father tell, while you listened with breathless +attention, and looked like a startled chamois, when the wind rustled +among the leaves.' + +"'Those were happy days!' murmured Marcella. + +"'They were, indeed!' continued Wilhelm, with enthusiasm--'yet why +should infancy monopolize all the richest pleasures of life? As we grow +older, our understanding becomes more clearly defined, and +circumstances which rendered our childhood happy, should become more +truly appreciated as blessings, instead of growing homely and irksome +to us.' + +"'It is because the matured mind requires a wider field for exercise,' +said Marcella. 'When I used to roam with you in the forest or on the +plain, those localities constituted our little world, and I cared for +no other; but as my father taught me the learning of books, I awoke to +a sense of uneasiness, and a consciousness of restricted liberty. The +beautiful world of which I read became replete with attractions +hitherto unknown to me, and I longed to quit these wild scenes, and +behold the palaces of princes.' + +"'So it was with me,' responded her lover. 'As you may remember, my +parents hoarded up their little earnings, that I might enjoy the +advantages of education, and I went to Gottingen with the feeling of +one who was about to drink of pleasure at its fountain-head; but alas! +Marcella, the wide world is like a piece of glass, which may sparkle in +the distance with all the brilliancy of a diamond, and after leading us +wildly onward, becomes the more worthless, for our endeavors to gain a +closer view. I imagined that the learning of schools would confer +happiness; it became mine, and I found it a mockery. I mixed with the +rich, gay and gifted; but my object still eluded pursuit. Marcella, I +became convinced that I left true happiness behind me, when I departed +from home; and returned to its shelter, resolved to leave it no more. I +tasted of the cup, and found it bitter.' + +"'My father talks in that manner,' answered Marcella. 'He hates the +world for the injury it has done him, and even our few neighbors excite +his scorn, by their foolish fears of him. I am sure if they knew him +well, they could not help loving him as I do; he is so noble, so brave, +so generous, that I cannot understand why he is called "The Demented," +unless it is because his superior intelligence is regarded by the hinds +as a supernatural gift. Perhaps that is the reason,' she added, +haughtily. + +"'You wrong the honest peasants,' said the hunter, hastily; 'who, +though ignorant, possess the gifts of reason and discrimination. Your +father will not allow them to know him better, and the extraordinary +quantity of game which he obtains would arouse superstitious whispers +from more enlightened minds.' + +"'Poor deluded creatures!' exclaimed Marcella, scornfully. 'Because my +father's aim is truer than theirs, ought he to be looked upon as one +demented? Because, by his skill in woodcraft, he surpasses their +success, should they shun him with looks of horror? Because he refuses +to join in their low revels, should they regard him as a ghost-seer? +Wilhelm, you have learning, and ought to frown down these foolish +superstitions, instead of partaking in them. Did you love Marcella as +you have often sworn you do, the man who spoke evil of her parent, +would from that moment become your enemy.' + +"'And so he should, dearest Marcella; but alas! their suspicions are +but too well founded, and though you may be offended, I dare not deny +that I myself believe him to be in league with the Evil One.' + +"'Then leave me!' exclaimed Marcella, starting from beside him. 'Why +should you wish to wed the child of such a man? Might you not find a +devil in me? Why should I love a being whose lips have declared my +father a demon? Go! Wilhelm, I took you for a man; but you have the +soul of a dwarf.' + +"Her eyes flashed indignation as she spoke, and in the eyes of her +lover she appeared more beautiful than ever. + +"'I can forgive your reproaches, for I know them to be actuated by +noble sentiments,' he replied, drawing her gently back to her seat. +'Honor to our parents is nature's first law, and God forbid that I +should condemn it; but, dearest Marcella, there should be no reserve +between us, who have grown up side by side, as it were, and I speak to +you as I would to no one else--not even my parents. That I love you, +you surely cannot doubt, and that love would be worth little to either +of us, did it enjoin concealment of our true opinions from each other. +I speak as an honest man, when I tell you, that I once beheld your +father in the Black Forest, accompanied by a stranger, who was not of +this world.' + +"'Great God!' ejaculated Marcella, starting up with affright. + +"'Forgive me, dearest; but you forced me to say it in my own defence. +Calm yourself and we will talk of this fearful subject no longer.' + +"'Wilhelm, you are not trifling with me?' + +"'As I hope to be saved, no.' + +"The daughter of Hermann trembled for a moment, as though the spirit of +Fear had touched her, and the dim rays of the swinging lamp, as they +fell upon her finely cut features, revealed the undisguised terror +there betrayed. But she quickly settled rigidly as a marble effigy, and +her voice was firm, as she said: + +"'Wilhelm, I believe you, and may God help my unfortunate father. Tell +me of what you _saw_, and disguise nothing!' + +"'It were better to remain untold, Marcella.' + +"'I must and will hear it,' she answered with cold determination. + +"'Then it must be told,' said the young hunter, with an involuntary +shudder. 'On the second day after my arrival from Gottingen University, +I started out from my father's cot, to course hares, taking with me my +dog and rifle, intending to remain absent all day. For some hours I was +quite successful, and succeeded in killing a score of the fleet +animals, but after noon they grew scarce, and as the sun was sinking in +the west, I paused wearied and exhausted on the borders of the Black +Forest, while my dog was panting in the shade. As I stood thus, leaning +upon my gun, the sound of a bugle call fell upon my ears, and almost +immediately afterwards your father suddenly passed me in the direction +from whence it came, looking straight forward with a stony, fascinated +stare, so full of mingled despair and earnestness, that I trembled with +superstitious fear, and even my dog crawled to my feet, quivering in +every limb. Onward he strode, unconscious of a watcher, to a shaded +spot on the border, just beyond my position, known as the Witch's +Circle. As he reached it, the bugle was again sounded, when immediately +a tall cloaked figure rode out of the forest to meet him, and they +saluted each other in silence. I could not discern the stranger's +features, but I noticed with breathless horror that the steps of the +horse which he rode, as well as those of another which he led by the +bridle, gave forth no more sound than if they were planted in air----' + +"Wilhelm suddenly paused in his narrative, as a beautiful White Fawn +suddenly sprang from behind a suspended wolf skin, and alighted +directly in front of him. Daylight no longer lent its rays to illumine +the apartment, and as the animal's eyes were visible through the misty +beams of the lamp, they seemed to glare and blaze like coals of vivid +fire. + +"'Heaven preserve me!' ejaculated the young hunter, crossing himself. + +"'It is my pet, Leo; do not fear him,' said Marcella in low tones. + +"'Your father mounted the unoccupied saddle,' continued Wilhelm, going +on with his adventure; 'and together they disappeared between the +pines; noiselessly as the falling of a feather. At short intervals I +heard the sound of the bugle growing fainter and fainter, until it died +away in the windings of the mountains. I called my dog and hastened +home, without daring to look behind, lest I should behold the +mysterious riders following on my track.' + +"A short silence succeeded, during which Marcella gently wept, and +caressed the fawn. At length she spoke: + +"'Dear Wilhelm, I now see the reason why you have ever avoided my +father, and come here only while he is away. Perhaps it is better that +you should continue to do so, for he is very irritable, and your +meeting might be attended with fearful results. Leave me, Wilhelm; I +expect him every moment; it is already past his usual time of return.' + +"'I must speak with your father to night, dearest,' said the hunter, +encircling her waist with his arm. + +"'God forbid!' she exclaimed, looking up to him with great alarm. + +"'It must be so, Marcella; I am about to ask a gift of him, and his +answer will either make me the happiest of men, or leave me miserable +for life. I will ask his daughter of him as one who has a just claim, +and I cannot believe he will refuse me.' + +"'Wilhelm, you do not know my----' + +"At this moment there came a measured rapping at the door, and Marcella +arose to open it, trembling with undefined dread. Hermann the Demented +pressed a kiss upon her brow as he passed the threshold, and entered +his cabin. + +"He was an old man, for his hair was grey, and deep wrinkles furroughed +his brow; but his form was fully developed and upright as that of +meridian manhood, and there was a changing fire in his eye that +indicated all the energy of youth. His dress was a mixture of military +and peasant garb, and he wore a tall, black felt hat, encircled with a +red ribbon. Game of every kind hung in such profusion from his broad +shoulders, that it almost entirely concealed his person, and he bore in +his hand a rifle which few men could handle. On arriving beneath the +lamp, he deposited his spoils upon the floor, and then, for the first +time, observed the presence of the young hunter. + +"'Ha! is that you Wilhelm!' he exclaimed, casting aside his rifle, and +extending his hand in a friendly manner, 'I am especially glad to +welcome a brother craftsman to my cover, on a night when I have had +such uncommon luck. Look at that heap, and tell me if you ever saw +another such.' + +"'You are famed as a fortunate hunter,' answered the other, gazing upon +the immense pile at his feet with astonishment. + +"'Yes, yes, Wilhelm, there are few men can bag hares with Hermann, the +Demented,' and the old man laughed a hollow laugh. + +"'Your skill must indeed be extraordinary, when it enables you to +secure many of these animals _after nightfall, and without hounds_,' +returned Wilhelm, looking fixedly at the hunter with a penetrating +glance. + +"Immediately upon the entrance of her father Marcella had drawn the +table from the wall, and commenced to prepare an humble meal; she was +standing in a distant corner of the cabin, when her lover spoke thus: + +"Hermann started back with a look of fierce anger. + +"'What mean you, young man!' he asked in stern tones. + +"'I had no intention of giving offence, Mynheer Hermann.' + +"'Your looks, at least, were impertinent,' muttered the old hunter, +turning abruptly from him, and commencing to sort his game. + +"The simple meal was soon ready, and the three persons partook of it +without so much as a whisper. When it was finished, and while the young +girl was replacing her few utensils, Hermann produced a large +Meerschaum pipe, and having filled it with tobacco, lit it with a chip +from the fire-place; looking inquiringly at his guest as he smoked. + +"'You were, doubtless, surprised to find me here?' said the latter, +with some hesitancy in his manner. + +"'I am not often so highly honored,' responded Hermann, quietly sending +forth a wreath of smoke from between his teeth. + +"'Do you understand my object, Mynheer Hermann?' + +"'Certainly I do, Mynheer Wilhelm.' + +"'Indeed,' ejaculated the young hunter, with a look of inquiry. + +"'Of course,' said Hermann, ironically; 'you come to my cot, Mynheer +Wilhelm, hoping to behold some diabolical orgie, or the working of some +cabalistic spell, by which I secure success in the chase. You expect to +see me in communion with the mountain spirits, and allowing a +long-tailed demon to breathe upon my rifle. Look around you, my honored +guest; is not my daughter some horrid witch in disguise? Is not this +gentle fawn, a bloodthirsty spectre metamorphosed? Do you not see at +least a dozen goblins climbing the barrel of my rifle? Ha, ha, ha! you +will add another to the thousand and one legends about _Hermann the +Demented_. And tell me, young man, what is to prevent my offering you +as a sacrifice to my counsellor, the devil? People would say it served +you right, for entering this unholy place. You had better depart before +my familiar makes his appearance to sup with me, from the skulls of +children. I assure you, mynheer, that yonder stone bottle contains +human blood. Fly, before the spell begins to work.' + +"Although the old man frequently laughed while speaking, there was a +hollowness, and unreal zest in his mirth, that made the young hunter +shudder. + +"'You have made a great mistake, Mynheer Hermann,' he replied calmly. +'I came here with no such despicable intentions as those you attribute +to me. To be plain and honest with you, I am here to ask a gift of you.' + +"'What is it, boy?' + +"'Your daughter, mynheer.' + +"Dropping the pipe, and springing to his feet, Hermann confronted his +guest, glaring upon him with vindictive fury. + +"'Wretch! dare you insult me?' he howled, gnashing his teeth. + +"'Mynheer Hermann, be calm, I beseech you; you have obliged me to make +the request thus abruptly, and I am willing to abide the consequences. +I love Marcella, and she loves me. I would make her my wife.' + +"For a moment, the father held his hand to his brow and fixed a glance +upon the young hunter, as though to read his inmost soul; then turning +quickly to his child, who sat near him, trembling with fear, he asked +excitedly: + +"'Is this true, Marcella?' + +"'Yes, dear father,' she replied, arising from her seat, and laying her +head fondly upon his breast. + +"He looked down upon her beautiful face, suffused with tears, in +silence; slowly the flash of anger faded from his countenance, leaving +the gleam of idolatrous affection shining there. The feelings of a +parent overcame all others, and a bright drop glistened on his cheek. + +"'My darling, my only treasure,' he murmured, pressing her closely to +him. 'Your happiness is my only earthly object.' + +"'Wilhelm,' he continued, placing his disengaged hand upon the youth's +shoulder, 'I wronged you in my suspicions, and ask your forgiveness. +Your face, as well as that of my darling, convince me that I wronged +you. Yet I cannot grant you my child, until you have first heard +somewhat of her history, and my own. Not but that she is a jewel, the +proudest king might wear upon his bosom with honor,' he continued, with +spirit; 'but no man shall ever accuse me of practising a lie.' + +"He resumed his seat, still holding Marcella closely to his bosom, and +went on: + +"'To no other living being have I ever told my strange story, and there +is that in your countenance, which tells me you are no traitor. Listen +attentively to what I say: I was born on the estate of a nobleman in +Transylvania, to whom my father was steward, and spent the happiest +days of my existence roving about those vast domains, a free and joyous +child. At the age of thirteen, I was placed in a school, where I +advanced rapidly in learning, until I was the acknowledged phenomenon +of the village, and the pride of my fond father. Years of unalloyed +peace rolled over my head, during which I wooed the beautiful daughter +of a landed gentleman--won and married her by stealth. Her father's +rage knew no bounds in the first moments of discovery, and he +threatened to separate us; but my wife's entreaties soon banished his +anger, and we were soon received in full favor both by him and my own +parents. Oh! what unsubstantial, foolish, joyous days were those! How +did I idolize the girl, whom I had won, as a heathen worships his +household god. + +"'At length a fearful epidemic swept the country; my father was one of +the first victims, and my heartbroken mother soon followed him, +bequeathing us her dying benediction. It was my first trial, and in the +bitterness of my grief, I left the familiar scenes of my boyhood. To +this spot I came with my beautiful wife and built this cabin, resolving +to spend the remainder of my days in these soothing solitudes. But my +fate was yet to be accomplished. My father's employer found me out, and +sent a message, earnestly requesting me to become his steward. Yielding +to the importunities of my wife--for I could refuse her nothing--I +accepted the proposal, and journeyed back to Transylvania with a heavy +heart; for a cloud seemed hanging over me, a presentiment of sorrow to +come. The nobleman received me more as an equal than as a servant, and +uttered many encomiums on my father's worth, which could not but prove +grateful to a heart like mine. I loved and honored him at once; and +resolved to testify my gratitudë by a faithful discharge of my duties. +He was still a young man, but I felt no jealousy, when the idol of my +heart praised him, blind wretch that I was! At length, the cloud, so +long forming, burst over me in a flood of misery. Almost immediately +after the birth of our daughter, the father of my Marcella came to me +and imparted a secret that almost deprived me of my senses. Poor old +man! he thought I knew all before, and my ravings filled him with +alarm. Frantically I swore revenge, and with murder in my heart, was +about to seek the destroyer of my peace; but the old man restrained me, +and after a violent debate, I resolved to say nothing to my wife about +the matter, and kept a strict watch upon her. Alas! her father's +suspicions proved too just. I surprised her in company with her +paramour, and after loading them with the bitterest curses, took my +daughter and returned to the hut under the cliff. My whole life was +blighted, every hope was crushed; but the very madness of my despair +gave me strength, and I swore vengeance on my enemy. On the evening of +that fearful day, after lulling my unfortunate child to sleep, I knelt +down on the flat stone before you, and in the fervor of delirium, +called upon _The Spirits of Hartz Mountains_ for aid. Scarcely had the +sacrilegious petition left my lips, when there came a gentle knocking +at the door, accompanied by a shrill bugle note, signifying +bewilderment in the forest. Like one in a dream, I answered the +mysterious summons, and immediately a White Fawn bounded into the hut, +followed by a tall stranger, wrapped in a cloak of fine material. + +"'"You called me and I have come," he said, in tones that made me +shudder, and peer into his eyes, in which there was a fearful +fascination which I could not resist. + +"'"Who are you?" I managed to articulate. + +"'"Varno of The Black Forest," he answered, in a voice of rolling +thunder. I know not why it was, but at his reply my fear vanished, and +my wrongs arose before me in their darkest coloring. + +"'"Can you aid me?" I asked, returning his piercing glance. Never shall +I forget the fearful distinctness with which he said: + +"'"Hermann Vandervelt, I know what you would require of me, and you +shall be satisfied, _but there is a price attached to my services_; +three requests shall be granted, and then _you must be mine, soul and +body_. Will you swear to this?" + +"'Like a maniac, I fell upon my knees before the stranger, shouting, in +the height of passion: "Grant me but _revenge_ upon the betrayer of my +honor, and I will be yours, eternally yours, soul and body yours; I +swear by the God who--" + +"'"Silence!" thundered the stranger, his eyes glowing like coals of +withering, devouring fire. + +"'"Hermann, you must swear by the _Spirits of Hartz Mountains_." +Wrought up to frenzy, I obeyed him. He dictated a fearful oath, and +when I had repeated it, he said, in tones that froze my blood: + +"'"Hermann Vandervelt, take your rifle and seek your enemy; he shall +fall by your hand. I will leave you this animal (pointing to the fawn,) +and when you would see me, let it return to the forest. Remember, I +have granted _one_ request; _two_ more shall be granted, _and then you +will be mine_." + +"'His horrid laugh is still ringing in my ears. In silence, I opened +the door, and beheld, dimly through the darkness, a tall steed with +blazing eyes, standing motionless upon the plain. As the stranger +passed me, a momentary chill, like that of the grave, fell upon me; he +mounted, and I saw him no longer. Grasping my rifle, I fled through the +darkness like a fiend of blood, the White Fawn following my footsteps +like a hound. No rest, no meat, did I take until I saw my enemy lying +before me, bleeding to death, while the Fawn lapped his blood. + +"'"I am Hermann!" I shouted in his ears, and then flew back wildly, as +I came. My child was nearly dead from neglect when I returned from the +doubly-cursed spot; but I tended her faithfully, and she soon went +forth with me to the forest; and the White Fawn never left her side. + +"'I was a successful hunter at first; but suddenly my fortune changed, +and I could get no more food. Then was the spell of madness on me once +more, and _I set the White Fawn free_. Again there came a knocking at +the door; again the Fawn sprang in, followed by its master. _My second +request was granted--there remains but one more!_ From that night my +familiar has met me on the borders of the Black Forest nightly, and the +darkest depths are filled with game for me. Such is my story, Wilhelm, +and here, on my bosom, reposes the child of my affection. Speak boldly, +as becomes a man; would you wed the daughter of _Hermann, the +Demented_?' + +"While the old man related his fearful story, various emotions were +apparent on the handsome face of Wilhelm, but at its conclusion +unwavering resolution was stamped upon his features. + +"'Hermann!' he said, extending his right hand to the old hunter, 'I +sincerely pity you as the victim of circumstances, but the blight does +not touch Marcella; I love her more dearly than ever, and if you will +give her to me, she shall find in me a husband who would shed his last +drop of blood for her.' + +"'Wilhelm, you are worthy of my child, take her and may heaven grant +you the blessings it has denied to me. Bring a holy man here to-morrow, +and make her rightly yours. I would see her happy before I--' He +suddenly paused, placed his weeping daughter in her lover's arms, and +turned aside to hide the starting tear. + +"Soon Wilhelm was wending his way over the plain, and the innocent +Marcella retired to her narrow apartment of wolf skins; but the old man +sat with his face beneath the lamp, and the White Fawn crouched beside +him. Long did he meditate through the lonely watches of the night, and +the sweat of agony stood upon his temples. Slowly did he stagger to +where the wolf skins hung, and raising them in his trembling hands, +dwelt mournfully upon the picture before him. There, on her couch, in +all the artless grace of slumber, lay the only being on earth whom he +loved. One faultless arm was hidden beneath the pillow, the other half +shadowed her face, and bore a glossy veil of flaxen curls. Her ruby +lips were apart, as though she had fallen asleep while yet the evening +prayer was on her tongue. Dimly streamed the light of the swinging lamp +upon the human temple of purity, and Hermann, the Demented, wept like +an artless child. + +"'It must be done--_it is the last_,' he murmured, dropping the rude +partition, and quickly opening the cabin door. + +"Swift as the meteor falling through the shades of night, flew the +White Fawn out into the darkness, with a plaintive cry. With bowed head +the old man clasped his hands and listened. He hears a shot, a bugle +note echoes through the dew-ladened air, and the ghostly rider is again +at his door. + +"'You sent for me, and I am here,' said Varno, entering the cabin, and +casting the White Fawn cold and dead, upon the floor. + +"'I ask your aid!' said Hermann firmly. + +"'Remember, it is _the third and last time_,' muttered the stranger. + +"'I will fulfil my oath. Grant me my wish.' + +"'_Beware!_' thundered the other. + +"'Speak not so loudly, or you will wake my child,' said the hunter, +gazing fearfully toward where Marcella slept. + +"'Fear not, good Hermann, the sleep of the innocent cannot be disturbed +by a Spirit of Evil. Declare your wish and it shall be granted.' + +"'Then hear me, fiend, devil, or whatever thou art! I would have my +child happy; I would have her husband ever warm in his love for her as +he is this moment; I would have the curse of her parents forever +averted from her head. Grant me this and I am thine.' + +"'It shall be so,' answered Varno, with something like pity in his +tones. 'Thou must meet me at sunset on the evening of to-morrow, beside +the _Witch's Circle_--there shall our compact be fulfilled. _This is +the third and last. Remember._ + +"The dark spirit passed from the hut under the cliff but his shadow +lingered behind; and the old hunter knelt beneath the swinging lamp, +with the dead fawn at his feet, desolate and lone. + +"The day smiled brightly on Marcella, the genial sunbeams dispelling +night's horrors. She looked sadly when her father told her how the +White Fawn had been wounded by some wandering hunter, and had sought +the hut to die there; but the presence of Wilhelm made her cheerful as +the morn, and Hermann felt rewarded for his sacrifice. + +"A missionary monk stood within the old cabin, and said the words that +joined two lives in one. When the holy rite was finished, the wedded +pair knelt at the feet of The Demented, and called down Heaven's +richest blessings on his head; but alas! he could not say 'Amen,' for +he remembered his compact, and the words of Varno still rang in his +ears. He watched his child with more than earthly care till the sun +began to sink once more behind the Black Forest, then seizing his +rifle, he kissed her blushing cheek, and sallied forth toward the +mountains. + +"'Dear father, may you soon give up such unholy pastimes,' murmured +Marcella, looking fondly after him as his grey hairs floated in the +wind. + +"'God grant that he may,' murmured her husband, fervently, pressing her +to his heart. + +"But the old hunter returned no more. The wolf started as he lay in his +lair, when a man rushed by his covert in the Black Forest. A bugle, +wildly sounded, awoke the bird in his leafy bower. Two men met at the +Witch's Circle, while a day was dying, and the shades of the wood +closed over them forever." + + * * * * * + + Yours, contemplatively, + ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + LETTER LXXIX. + + SHOWING HOW THE NATIONAL INSANITARY COMMITTEE MADE A STRANGE + BLUNDER; HOW THE BELOVED GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE WAS + REMOVED AND EXALTED; AND ENDING WITH AN INFALLIBLE RECIPE. + + + WASHINGTON, D. C., November 15th, 1862. + +As I calmly observe the present situation of our military affairs, my +boy, and consider how persistently the Blue Ridge continues to get +between our great strategic army and the dilapidated Southern +Confederacy, I am impressed with the idea that the salvation of our +distracted country demands the removal of either the Blue Ridge or the +beloved General of the Mackerel Brigade. + +I admit, my boy, that the Mackerel Brigade has spent time enough in one +locality since the last battle to remove the incompetent and imbecile +Blue Ridge, and that the immense number of spades consigned to that +veteran _corps_ might be construed into the belief that they were +really engaged in that great stragetic task. Furthermore, that the +Mackerels have only succeeded in marching fifteen miles in six weeks, +legitimates the supposition that they are going up very steep hills; +but it must be borne in mind, my boy, that it is the Honest Abe's best +policy to conciliate all political parties for the sake of Northern +unity of action, and it cannot be doubted that the removal of the Blue +Ridge at this crisis would occasion the bitterest heart-burnings and +jealousies in the manly bosom of our nation's Democratic organization. +It would be construed into proof that the Honest Abe had yielded to the +fiendish clamor of the crazy Abolitionists, and had rendered a +restoration of the adored Union-as-it-Was of our forefathers +impossible, by destroying that Blue Ridge which was an essential part +of the Union. The manly Organization, my boy, would prefer an armistice +with the unseemly Confederacy to a removal of the Blue Ridge--a +removal, my boy, authorized neither by the Constitution, the pursuit of +happiness, nor the rights of man. The Blue Ridge is at the head of our +army, and our army is at the foot of the Blue Ridge. The mistaken +Confederacy is on the other side, my boy, and the Organization very +justly reasons, that the fiendish Abolitionists virtually confess +themselves to be, in heart, on the same side with the Confederacy; for +if their desired removal of the Blue Ridge were carried out, the +distinction of the two opposite sides would be practically lost, and +the United States of America and the Southern Confederacy would be all +on one side, and there might be an unconstitutional collision. + +Hence, my boy, the Honest Abe has concluded to leave the Blue Ridge +where it is, and remove the idolized General of the Mackerel Brigade. + +But before I proceed to describe the inexpressible anguish produced by +the adoption of even this grievous alternative, permit me to record the +useful proceedings of the National Insanitary Committee, in their +philanthropical investigation of the lunacy now prevailing to an +alarming extent in the Army of Accomac. + +For some weeks past, my boy, insanity has been frightfully upon the +increase in the ranks of the unconquerable Mackerel Brigade. Many +Mackerels have even gone raving at times, persisting in the vague and +incoherent exclamation that they "_Couldn't See It_." There was some +hope that this terrible mental aberration might be stayed, if the +superannuated _corps_ were supplied with spectacles; but the relief +thus given was only temporary; and finally, when one of the poor maniac +chaps went so far as to yell, that, even by the aid of his spectacles, +he couldn't see what was the use of butting against the Blue Ridge all +the time, it was deemed proper to call in the National Insanitary +Committee. + +Captain Samyule Sa-mith, whose duty it was to draw the Brigade up in +two lines--the sane chaps on one side of the fence, and the insane on +the other--hastened back to Accomac to finish a game of "Old Sledge," +on which four drinks were distinctly pending, and left the aged +Committee to perform its task at leisure. + +In anticipation of this sad ceremony, my boy, I had sent my +architectural steed, the gothic Pegasus, down to Accomac, and thither I +went on Tuesday morning, to amble totteringly from thence to the scene +of Insanitary proceedings. + +The Committee had just commenced work upon its line of chaps, and was +examining the patients one by one. + +The first invalid, Lively Mike, was born in the Sixth Ward, and weighed +ninety-two pounds. He was a poor, slouching chap, my boy, resembling +poverty's Ruin, two-thirds covered by an ivy vine of rags. His angular +countenance was rich with unwashings, save a clean irregular circle +just around his ugly mouth. + +I asked how it happened that this one part of his face was clean, when +all the rest was dirty; and they told me, my boy, that it was the place +where his poor old mother had kissed him at parting. + +Lively Mike's first symptom of his dreadful malady was a feeling of +overwhelming weariness, as though he had been for a long time in one +spot doing nothing. The feeling deepened into sullen, dangerous +madness, until it was finally unsafe to let him go at large, as he had +several times attempted to shoot scouting Confederacies. + +The next hopeless patient was Big-nose Jake. Born at the commencement +of his career in the Sixth Ward, and weighing ninety-four pounds +without his knapsack, Big-nose had always enjoyed good health, with the +exception of starvation; but was in the habit of muttering to himself +that Strategy was a great humbug, and he'd rather die at home in his +bunk in the engine-house than in a swamp, without a single fire in six +months. His only way of keeping warm was by occasionally huddling up to +a Confederate picket, and receiving _his_ fire. + +No. 3 was Baby Jim, a resident of the Sixth Ward for many years, and +weighing ninety-one pounds. His first attack of his malady came in the +shape of an incoherent and irrepressible desire to get up a Directory +of Army Names, so that the families of Mackerels in the Army of Accomac +might know where their relatives were, and how old they had got to be. +Sometimes he would be suddenly seized with the absurd notion that the +General of the Mackerel Brigade was killing more men by strategy than +would be slain in fifty battles. + +Another hapless maniac was Cross-eyed Tom. His family is well known in +the Sixth Ward; weight, ninety-seven pounds. Always enjoyed excellent +health, until one day, when it suddenly struck him--uncalled-for, as it +were--that he hadn't seen the Colonel of his regiment for six months. +The demon of insanity tempted him to believe that his Colonel had all +along been drinking bad gin and threatening to resign, in Washington, +instead of staying with his men and getting acquainted with them. He +knew that he must be entirely mistaken about this, but couldn't shake +off the horrible delusion. + +A fifth lunatic was the Worth street Chicken. Had voted several times a +day in the Sixth Ward, and weighed ninety-nine pounds. The Chicken +could not say that he was really a sick man; but had moments when he +could not resist the malignant temptation to imagine, that the +celebrated Southern Confederacy was just as even with us now as it was +a year ago, with several majestic raids for small trumps. At times he +was troubled with bad dreams about all the Treasury Notes becoming +worthless if the General of the Mackerel Brigade went into winter +quarters. + +And so the Insanitary Committee went down the whole line, my boy, +closely questioning the poor chaps who had lost their reason, and +eliciting continued proofs of the national ravages of Insanity. + +"Truly," says the chief Insanitary chap, cleaning his nails with his +jack-knife; "truly these unhappy beings are hopelessly deranged, and +must be sent to the Asylum. Their ravings are beyond all precedent." + +Just as he finished speaking, my boy, and whilst he was picking his +teeth to assist meditation, Captain Samyule Sa-mith came riding hastily +in from his successful game of "Old Sledge," bringing the stakes with +him, and says he: + +"Well, old Medicusses, have you examined the beings which is unhappily +bereft of sense?" + +"Yea," says the Insanitary chap, with a grievous groan, "we've examined +all those poor creatures, in that whole line, and find them all +hopelessly and incurably mad." + +Samyule gave such a start that he split one of his boots, and says he: + +"_Which_ line?" + +"Why, that line there," says the chap, pointing. + +"By all that's Federal!" says Samyule, slapping his left leg; "I'll be +blessed if you old goslings hav'n't been examining the WRONG LINE! Them +veterans there are the _sane_ ones!" + +Insanity, my boy, like Charity, so seldom begins at home, that we +sometimes mistake the best kind of sanity for it when we meet the +latter, as a stranger, abroad. The man we call a maniac is frequently +nothing more than a sane man seen through a maniac's spectacles. + +But the whole body of Mackerels, sane and insane alike, unite in a +feeling of strong anguish blended with enthusiasm, at the removal of +the beloved General of the Mackerel Brigade. He has been so much a +Father to them all, that they never expected to get a step farther +while he was with them. + +There's a piece of domestic philosophy for you, my boy. + +When the General heard of his removal, my boy, he said that it was like +divorcing a husband from a wife, who had always supported him, and +immediately let fly the following + + + FAREWELL ADDRESS. + + _Head-quarters of the Army of Accomac, + Foot of the Blue Ridge._ + +MY CHILDREN: + +An order from the Honest Abe divorces us, and gives the command of all +these attached beings to Major-General Wobert Wobinson. (Heartrending +and enthusiastic cheers.) + +In parting with you, I cannot express how much I love your dear bosoms. +As an army, you have grown from youth to old age under my care. In you +I have never found doubt nor coldness, nor anything else. The victories +you have won under my command will live in the nation's works of +fiction. The strategy we have achieved, the graves of many unripe +Mackerels, the broken forms of those disabled by the Emancipation +Proclamation--the strongest associations that can exist among +men--still make it advisable that you should vote for me as President +of the United States in 1865. Thus we shall ever be comrades in +supporting the Constitution, and making the Constitution support us. + + THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE. + [Green Seal.] + +It was while this affecting document was being read to the Army, my +boy, that a procession of political chaps with banners and a small +cannon, landed from a boat on Awlkwyet River, and came filing affably +into camp. Only pausing to insult two correspondents of the _Tribune_, +and to fire the cannon so close to a farmhouse that it broke all the +windows, these pleasant chaps at once organized a meeting and gave +orders that all fighting should be postponed till after the session. + +The Hon. Mr. X. Stream proceeded to say that he considered Mr. Lincoln +a strictly honest, upright, able, and noble-hearted man (cheers); but +it could not be denied that his Administration was a wretched +failure--a blending of brutal imbecility with hellish despotism. (Much +enthusiasm). While it continued so, everything in the stock-market +would go up--_up_--UP! until the bubble burst. The General of the +Mackerel Brigade had been removed (universal sobbing) but it was only +that he might shine the brighter before a Democratic Convention in 1865. + +The Hon. Prince Van Brumagen next spoke. Undoubtedly, he would be +called a traitor for what he was about to say, but he was accustomed to +that sort of talk from every one who knew him. He wished to see this +war vigorously pushed forward; but he could never consent to see +violence offered to men who only warred against us because they were +mistaken. Our Southern friends had imagined that the Abolitionists +wanted to prevent their enjoyment of the pursuit of happiness which was +guaranteed to them by the Constitution. They were mistaken, and +seceded. The Union as it was had passed away from us, but was +undoubtedly somewhere on the Globe; and as the Globe was constantly +revolving, we had only to stand still, and it would come round again to +us in due time. + +The Hon. Fernando Fuel next undressed his thoughts to the meeting. As +proprietor of the City of New York, which he had frequently bought, he +protested against the removal of the General of the Mackerel Brigade at +this inclement season of the year. The idolized General was beloved +even by the Rebels, and his own devoted troops had cheered even louder +when parting with him, if possible, than when he had first come among +them. + +Here the speaker was interrupted by a chap who suddenly touched off the +cannon and simultaneously unfurled a new banner. Borrowing a piece of +smoked glass, I looked through it at the dazzling standard, and read +upon its eloquent folds: + + REGULAR HIGH-MORAL NOMINATIONS! + + FOR THE SENATE IMMEDIATELY; + AND + FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IN + 1865. + THE (LATE) GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL + BRIGADE. + +Observe, my boy, this simple rule, to make a hero of a fool: + +Just keep him where he is, until his lack of wisdom, want of Skill, +attract unto his banner those who, from perverseness, _will_ have foes. +Then freely make his dullness known; and when you'd cast him from his +throne, you'll find become _his_ followers true, all men who seek a +feud with _you_. To serve the always-malcontent, and give their spleen +a chance for vent, a knave, a dunce, a stump! would do as well, my boy, +as I, or you. + +When cats and politicians quarrel, "use any cat's-paw", is the moral. + + Yours, sagely, + ORPHEUS C. KERR. + + + + + [Illustration] + + + NEW BOOKS + + And New Editions Recently Issued by + + CARLETON, PUBLISHER, + + (Late RUDD & CARLETON,) + + _413 BROADWAY, NEW YORK._ + +N.B.--THE PUBLISHER, upon receipt of the price in advance, will send +any of the following Books, by mail, POSTAGE FREE, to any part of the +United States. This convenient and very safe mode may be adopted when +the neighboring Booksellers are not supplied with the desired work. +State name and address in full. + + Les Miserables. + + Victor Hugo's great novel--the only complete unabridged translation. + Library Edition. Five vols. 12mo. cloth, each, $1.00. + The same, five vols. 8vo. cloth, $1.00. Paper covers, 50 cts. + The same, (cheap ed.) 1 vol. 8vo. cloth, $1.50. paper, $1.00. + + Les Miserables--Illustrations. + + 26 photographic illustrations, by Brion. Elegant quarto, $3.00. + + Among the Pines, + + or, Down South in Secession Time. 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Fiske, $1.50. + + END + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Note: Blank pages have been deleted. Discovered +publisher's punctuation errors have been corrected. Other errors were +corrected as follows: + + p. 25: salt--which is verydear[very dear] here just + p. 27: for mr. bob peter's[peters'] "hours" at home were + p. 29: connection with the childrem[children] of ham, it + p. 33: after this overpowing[overpowering] revelation, it was + p. 33: that mr. bob peter's[peters'] presentation to + p. 37: in the heavy dalies,[dailies] and philosophical poetry + p. 56: the account of mr. peter's[peters'] arrest in the + p. 61: a musket ball be's[he's] comin' shtraight to + p. 66: making a rapid retrogade[retrograde] movement, when villiam + p. 74: i made a reconnoisance[reconnoissance] in force, on + p. 79: have sometimes feared, by[my] boy, that our + p. 97: moral drama by captaim[captain] villiam brown. + p. 105: second regular meeting ot[of] the cosmopolitan club, + p. 106: electrified by the treaures[treasures] of british literature + p. 118: wink at secession symphathizers[sympathizers]. it takes so + p. 129: the veteran mackerel signed[sighed] deeply, as he spread open + p. 138: a horse physically incapacited[incapacitated] from running away + p. 143: great original and geniune[genuine] 'tis he; a + p. 151: of life when women[woman] usually becomes the principal + p. 154: far out-sped my pusuers[pursuers]; but human nature + p. 154: dearly, i was abont[about] to stand at bay, + p. 161: masses over my throbing[throbbing] brow, the cowardly + p. 163: bosom, and the stilletto[stiletto] in her hand. + p. 168: of the skillful retrogade[retrograde] advance to which i + p. 169: beheld the idolized genral[general] of the mackerel brigade + p. 172: child?" says the geneneral[general], with paternal affability. + p. 174: in which our co respondent[correspondent] astonishes us by + p. 178: no "enigma," as voluutarily[voluntarily]-puzzled poets have + p. 183: money often does--brute insanity[brute-insanity] + p. 188: might cause a prostraton[prostration] in the liquor business, + p. 228: of captain samyule sa-smith[sa-mith] to perish heroically. + p. 231: at paris and loudon[london], my boy, and the + p. 232: be outdone, the loudon[london] tumbler issued an + p. 235: the word, and instaneously[instantaneously] led company 2 down + p. 246: fords of allkwyet riyer[river], in the rear + p. 248: of the mackerel brigrade[brigade] will further recommend, + p. 250: than the most wierd[weird] and perpetual haze + p. 257: at the nether continnations[continuations] of our country's + p. 258: operations and entrap stonwall[stonewall] jackson's whole + p. 264: and he eat[ate] and drank with his visiter[visitor] + p. 266: willing hand in extacy[ecstasy]. 'then indeed have i + p. 272: "'five thousand doblas," answered nemly[nemyl], composedly. + p. 272: god; 'what an houri[hour]!' he exclaimed, kissing her + p. 276: are you--his--slave?' gasped gartstoff[garstoff], staggering + p. 277: two slaves will will[delete will] bring you to me. + p. 291: he took his deparure[departure]. "then forth sprang orloff + p. 295: past; i am satified[satisfied] that you are a + p. 297: a moment of ungoverable[ungovernable] passion i spoke words + p. 298: for the unseemly villany[villainy] of the accursed + p. 302: bereaved country should sudnenly[suddenly] be called to + p. 308: from a cold potatoe[potato] which he held in + p. 313: feigns forgotten friends; grout[gout], grimly griping + p. 316: slept in the hous[house] to take care + p. 318: had the army being[been] insufficient to secure you, + p. 321: and make me turn [into] an arrogant and contemptuous + p. 325: language of an incedeniary[incendiary] description + p. 325: of captains bob shortly[shorty], samyule sa-mith, + p. 327: court felt convinced that that[del 2nd that] the second charge + p. 326: ours, to investigate certing[certain] charges against + p. 331: with quivering watch-seal. onr[our] president, my boy, + p. 344: caressed the fawn. a[at] length she spoke: + p. 351: scarcely had the sacreligious[sacrilegious] petition + p. 350: "'"varno of het[the] black forest," he answered, + p. 355: night, flew the wbite[white] fawn out into the + +END + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Orpheus C. 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