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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.12.12.00*END* + + + + + +This etext was produced by Eve Sobol, South Bend, Indiana, USA + + + + + +CAPTAIN BRASSBOUND'S CONVERSION + +BERNARD SHAW + + + + +ACT I + +On the heights overlooking the harbor of Mogador, a seaport on +the west coast of Morocco, the missionary, in the coolness of the +late afternoon, is following the precept of Voltaire by +cultivating his garden. He is an elderly Scotchman, spiritually a +little weatherbeaten, as having to navigate his creed in strange +waters crowded with other craft but still a convinced son of the +Free Church and the North African Mission, with a faithful brown +eye, and a peaceful soul. Physically a wiry small-knit man, well +tanned, clean shaven, with delicate resolute features and a +twinkle of mild humor. He wears the sun helmet and pagri, the +neutral-tinted spectacles, and the white canvas Spanish sand +shoes of the modern Scotch missionary: but instead of a cheap +tourist's suit from Glasgow, a grey flannel shirt with white +collar, a green sailor knot tie with a cheap pin in it, he wears +a suit of clean white linen, acceptable in color, if not in cut, +to the Moorish mind. + +The view from the garden includes much Atlantic Ocean and a long +stretch of sandy coast to the south, swept by the north east +trade wind, and scantily nourishing a few stunted pepper trees, +mangy palms, and tamarisks. The prospect ends, as far as the +land is concerned, in little hills that come nearly to the sea: +rudiments, these, of the Atlas Mountains. The missionary, having +had daily opportunities of looking at this seascape for thirty +years or so, pays no heed to it, being absorbed in trimming a +huge red geranium bush, to English eyes unnaturally big, which, +with a dusty smilax or two, is the sole product of his pet +flower-bed. He is sitting to his work on a Moorish stool. In the +middle of the garden there is a pleasant seat in the shade of a +tamarisk tree. The house is in the south west corner of the +garden, and the geranium bush in the north east corner. + +At the garden-door of the house there appears presently a man who +is clearly no barbarian, being in fact a less agreeable product +peculiar to modern commercial civilization. His frame and flesh +are those of an ill-nourished lad of seventeen; but his age is +inscrutable: only the absence of any sign of grey in his mud +colored hair suggests that he is at all events probably under +forty, without prejudice to the possibility of his being under +twenty. A Londoner would recognize him at once as an extreme but +hardy specimen of the abortion produced by nature in a city slum. +His utterance, affectedly pumped and hearty, and naturally vulgar +and nasal, is ready and fluent: nature, a Board School education, +and some kerbstone practice having made him a bit of an orator. +His dialect, apart from its base nasal delivery, is not unlike +that of smart London society in its tendency to replace +diphthongs by vowels (sometimes rather prettily) and to shuffle +all the traditional vowel pronunciations. He pronounces ow as ah, +and i as aw, using the ordinary ow for o, i for a, a for u, and e +for a, with this reservation, that when any vowel is followed by +an r he signifies its presence, not by pronouncing the r, which +he never does under these circumstances, but by prolonging and +modifyinq the vowel, sometimes even to the extreme degree of +pronouncing it properly. As to his yol for l (a compendious +delivery of the provincial eh-al), and other metropolitan +refinements, amazing to all but cockneys, they cannot be +indicated, save in the above imperfect manner, without the aid +of a phonetic alphabet. He is dressed in somebody else's very +second best as a coast-guardsman, and gives himself the airs of +a stage tar with sufficient success to pass as a possible fish +porter of bad character in casual employment during busy times +at Billingsgate. His manner shows an earnest disposition to +ingratiate himself with the missionary, probably for some +dishonest purpose. + +THE MAN. Awtenoon, Mr. Renkin. (The missionary sits up quickly, +and turns, resigning himself dutifully to the interruption.) Yr +honor's eolth. + +RANKIN (reservedly). Good afternoon, Mr. Drinkwotter. + +DRINKWATER. You're not best pleased to be hinterrupted in yr bit +o gawdnin bow the lawk o me, gavner. + +RANKIN. A missionary knows nothing of leks of that soart, or of +disleks either, Mr. Drinkwotter. What can I do for ye? + +DRINKWATER (heartily). Nathink, gavner. Awve brort noos fer yer. + +RANKIN. Well, sit ye doon. + +DRINKWATER. Aw thenk yr honor. (He sits down on the seat under +the tree and composes himself for conversation.) Hever ear o +Jadge Ellam? + +RANKIN. Sir Howrrd Hallam? + +DRINKWATER. Thet's im-enginest jadge in Hingland! --awlus gives +the ket wen it's robbry with voylence, bless is awt. Aw sy +nathink agin im: awm all fer lor mawseolf, AW em. + +RANKIN. Well? + +DRINKWATER. Hever ear of is sist-in-lor: Lidy Sisly Winefleet? + +RANKIN. Do ye mean the celebrated Leddy--the traveller? + +DRINKWATER. Yuss: should think aw doo. Walked acrost Harfricar +with nathink but a little dawg, and wrowt abaht it in the Dily +Mile (the Daily Mail, a popular London newspaper), she did. + +RANKIN. Is she Sir Howrrd Hallam's sister-in-law? + +DRINKWATER. Deeceased wawfe's sister: yuss: thet's wot SHE is. + +RANKIN. Well, what about them? + +DRINKWATER. Wot abaht them! Waw, they're EAH. Lannid aht of a +steam yacht in Mogador awber not twenty minnits agow. Gorn to the +British cornsl's. E'll send em orn to you: e ynt got naowheres to +put em. Sor em awr (hire) a Harab an two Krooboys to kerry their +laggige. Thort awd cam an teoll yer. + +RANKIN. Thank you. It's verra kind of you, Mr. Drinkwotter. + +DRINKWATER. Down't mention it, gavner. Lor bless yer, wawn't it +you as converted me? Wot was aw wen aw cam eah but a pore lorst +sinner? Down't aw ow y'a turn fer thet? Besawds, gavner, this +Lidy Sisly Winefleet mawt wor't to tike a walk crost Morocker--a +rawd inter the mahntns or sech lawk. Weoll, as you knaow, gavner, +thet cawn't be done eah withaht a hescort. + +RANKIN. It's impoassible: th' would oall b' murrdered. Morocco is +not lek the rest of Africa. + +DRINKWATER. No, gavner: these eah Moors ez their religion; an it +mikes em dinegerous. Hever convert a Moor, gavner? + +RANKIN (with a rueful smile). No. + +DRINKWATER (solemnly). Nor never will, gavner. + +RANKIN. I have been at work here for twenty-five years, Mr. +Drinkwotter; and you are my first and only convert. + +DRINKWATER. Down't seem naow good, do it, gavner? + +RANKIN. I don't say that. I hope I have done some good. They come +to me for medicine when they are ill; and they call me the +Christian who is not a thief. THAT is something. + +DRINKWATER. Their mawnds kennot rawse to Christiennity lawk hahrs +ken, gavner: thet's ah it is. Weoll, ez haw was syin, if a +hescort is wornted, there's maw friend and commawnder Kepn +Brarsbahnd of the schooner Thenksgivin, an is crew, incloodin +mawseolf, will see the lidy an Jadge Ellam through henny little +excursion in reason. Yr honor mawt mention it. + +RANKIN. I will certainly not propose anything so dangerous as an +excursion. + +DRINKWATER (virtuously). Naow, gavner, nor would I awst you to. +(Shaking his head.) Naow, naow: it IS dinegerous. But hall the +more call for a hescort if they should ev it hin their mawnds to +gow. + +RANKIN. I hope they won't. + +DRINKWATER. An sow aw do too, gavner. + +RANKIN (pondering). 'Tis strange that they should come to +Mogador, of all places; and to my house! I once met Sir Howrrd +Hallam, years ago. + +DRINKWATER (amazed). Naow! didger? Think o thet, gavner! Waw, sow +aw did too. But it were a misunnerstedin, thet wors. Lef the +court withaht a stine on maw kerrickter, aw did. + +RANKIN (with some indignation). I hope you don't think I met Sir +Howrrd in that way. + +DRINKWATER. Mawt yeppn to the honestest, best meanin pusson, aw +do assure yer, gavner. + +RANKIN. I would have you to know that I met him privately, Mr. +Drinkwotter. His brother was a dear friend of mine. Years ago. He +went out to the West Indies. + +DRINKWATER. The Wust Hindies! Jist acrost there, tather sawd thet +howcean (pointing seaward)! Dear me! We cams hin with vennity, an +we deepawts in dawkness. Down't we, gavner? + +RANKIN (pricking up his ears). Eh? Have you been reading that +little book I gave you? + +DRINKWATER. Aw hev, et odd tawms. Very camfitn, gavner. (He +rises, apprehensive lest further catechism should find him +unprepared.) Awll sy good awtenoon, gavner: you're busy hexpectin +o Sr Ahrd an Lidy Sisly, ynt yer? (About to go.) + +RANKIN (stopping him). No, stop: we're oalways ready for +travellers here. I have something else to say--a question to ask +you. + +DRINKWATR (with a misgiving, which he masks by exaggerating his +hearty sailor manner). An weollcome, yr honor. + +RANKIN. Who is this Captain Brassbound? + +DRINKWATER (guiltily). Kepn Brarsbahnd! E's-weoll, e's maw Kepn, +gavner. + +RANKIN. Yes. Well? + +DRINKWATER (feebly). Kepn of the schooner Thenksgivin, gavner. + +RANKIN (searchingly). Have ye ever haird of a bad character in +these seas called Black Paquito? + +DRINKWATER (with a sudden radiance of complete enlightenment). +Aoh, nar aw tikes yer wiv me, yr honor. Nah sammun es bin a +teolln you thet Kepn Brarsbahnd an Bleck Pakeetow is +hawdentically the sime pussn. Ynt thet sow? + +RANKIN. That is so. (Drinkwater slaps his knee triumphantly. The +missionary proceeds determinedly) And the someone was a verra +honest, straightforward man, as far as I could judge. + +DRINKWATER (embracing the implication). Course a wors, gavner: Ev +aw said a word agin him? Ev aw nah? + +RANKIN. But is Captain Brassbound Black Paquito then? + +DRINKWATER. Waw, it's the nime is blessed mather give im at er +knee, bless is little awt! Ther ynt naow awm in it. She ware a +Wust Hinjin--howver there agin, yer see (pointing seaward)-- +leastwaws, naow she worn't: she were a Brazilian, aw think; an +Pakeetow's Brazilian for a bloomin little perrit--awskin yr pawdn +for the word. (Sentimentally) Lawk as a Hinglish lidy mawt call +er little boy Birdie. + +RANKIN (not quite convinced). But why BLACK Paquito? + +DRINKWATER (artlessly). Waw, the bird in its netral stite bein +green, an e evin bleck air, y' knaow-- + +RANKIN (cutting him short). I see. And now I will put ye another +question. WHAT is Captain Brassbound, or Paquito, or whatever he +calls himself? + +DRINKWATER (officiously). Brarsbahnd, gavner. Awlus calls isseolf +Brarsbahnd. + +RANKIN. Well. Brassbound, then. What is he? + +DRINKWATER (fervently). You awsks me wot e is, gavner? + +RANKIN (firmly). I do. + +DRINKWATFR (with rising enthusiasm). An shll aw teoll yer wot e +is, yr honor? + +RANKIN (not at all impressed). If ye will be so good, Mr. +Drinkwotter. + +DRINKWATER (with overwhelming conviction). Then awll teoll you, +gavner, wot he is. Ee's a Paffick Genlmn: thet's wot e is. + +RANKIN (gravely). Mr. Drinkwotter: pairfection is an attribute, +not of West Coast captains, but of thr Maaker. And there are +gentlemen and gentlemen in the world, espaecially in these +latitudes. Which sort of gentleman is he? + +DRINKWATER. Hinglish genlmn, gavner. Hinglish speakin; Hinglish +fawther; West Hinjin plawnter; Hinglish true blue breed. +(Reflectively) Tech o brahn from the mather, preps, she bein +Brazilian. + +RANKIN. Now on your faith as a Christian, Felix Drinkwotter, is +Captain Brassbound a slaver or not? + +DRINKWATER (surprised into his natural cockney pertness). Naow e +ynt. + +RANKIN. Are ye SURE? + +DRINKWATER. Waw, a sliver is abaht the wanne thing in the wy of a +genlmn o fortn thet e YNT. + +RANKIN. I've haird that expression "gentleman of fortune" before, +Mr. Drinkwotter. It means pirate. Do ye know that? + +DRINKWATER. Bless y'r awt, y' cawnt be a pawrit naradys. Waw, the +aw seas is wuss pleest nor Piccadilly Suckus. If aw was to do orn +thet there Hetlentic Howcean the things aw did as a bwoy in the +Worterleoo Rowd, awd ev maw air cat afore aw could turn maw ed. +Pawrit be blaowed!--awskink yr pawdn, gavner. Nah, jest to shaow +you ah little thet there striteforard man y' mide mention on +knaowed wot e was atorkin abaht: oo would you spowse was the +marster to wich Kepn Brarsbahnd served apprentice, as yr mawt sy? + +RANKIN. I don't know. + +DRINKWATER. Gawdn, gavner, Gawdn. Gawdn o Kawtoom--stetcher +stends in Trifawlgr Square to this dy. Trined Bleck Pakeetow in +smawshin hap the slive riders, e did. Promist Gawdn e wouldn't +never smaggle slives nor gin, an (with suppressed aggravation) +WOWN'T, gavner, not if we gows dahn on ahr bloomin bended knees +to im to do it. + +RANKIN (drily). And DO ye go down on your bended knees to him to +do it? + +DRINKWATER (somewhat abashed). Some of huz is hanconverted men, +gavner; an they sy: You smaggles wanne thing, Kepn; waw not +hanather? + +RANKIN. We've come to it at last. I thought so. Captain +Brassbound is a smuggler. + +DRINKWATER. Weoll, waw not? Waw not, gavner? Ahrs is a Free Tride +nition. It gows agin us as Hinglishmen to see these bloomin +furriners settin ap their Castoms Ahses and spheres o hinfluence +and sich lawk hall owver Arfricar. Daown't Harfricar belong as +much to huz as to them? thet's wot we sy. Ennywys, there ynt naow +awm in ahr business. All we daz is hescort, tourist HOR +commercial. Cook's hexcursions to the Hatlas Mahntns: thet's hall +it is. Waw, it's spreadin civlawzytion, it is. Ynt it nah? + +RANKIN. You think Captain Brassbound's crew sufficiently equipped +for that, do you? + +DRINKWATER. Hee-quipped! Haw should think sow. Lawtnin rawfles, +twelve shots in the meggezine! Oo's to storp us? + +RANKIN. The most dangerous chieftain in these parts, the Sheikh +Sidi el Assif, has a new American machine pistol which fires ten +bullets without loadin; and his rifle has sixteen shots in the +magazine. + +DRINKWATER (indignantly). Yuss; an the people that sells sich +things into the ends o' them eathen bleck niggers calls +theirseolves Christians! It's a crool shime, sow it is. + +RANKIN. If a man has the heart to pull the trigger, it matters +little what color his hand is, Mr. Drinkwotter. Have ye anything +else to say to me this afternoon? + +DRINKWATER (rising). Nathink, gavner, cept to wishyer the bust o +yolth, and a many cornverts. Awtenoon, gavner. + +RANKIN. Good afternoon to ye, Mr. Drinkwotter. + +As Drinkwater turns to go, a Moorish porter comes from the house +with two Krooboys. + +THE PORTER (at the door, addressing Rankin). Bikouros (Moroccan +for Epicurus, a general Moorish name for the missionaries, who +are supposed by the Moors to have chosen their calling through a +love of luxurious idleness): I have brought to your house a +Christian dog and his woman. + +DRINKWATER. There's eathen menners fer yer! Calls Sr Ahrd Ellam +an Lidy Winefleet a Christian dorg and is woman! If ee ed you in +the dorck et the Centl Crimnal, you'd fawnd aht oo was the dorg +and oo was is marster, pretty quick, you would. + +RANKIN. Have you broat their boxes? + +THE PORTER. By Allah, two camel loads! + +RANKIN. Have you been paid? + +THE PORTER. Only one miserable dollar, Bikouros. I have brought +them to your house. They will pay you. Give me something for +bringing gold to your door. + +DRINKWATER. Yah! You oughter bin bawn a Christian, you ought. You +knaow too mach. + +RANKIN. You have broat onnly trouble and expense to my door, +Hassan; and you know it. Have I ever charged your wife and +children for my medicines? + +HASSAN (philosophically). It is always permitted by the Prophet +to ask, Bikouros. (He goes cheerfully into the house with the +Krooboys.) + +DRINKWATER. Jist thort eed trah it orn, a did. Hooman nitre is +the sime everywheres. Them eathens is jast lawk you an' me, +gavner. + +A lady and gentleman, both English, come into the garden. +The gentleman, more than elderly, is facing old age on +compulsion, not resignedly. He is clean shaven, and has a brainy +rectangular forehead, a resolute nose with strongly governed +nostrils, and a tightly fastened down mouth which has evidently +shut in much temper and anger in its time. He has a habit of +deliberately assumed authority and dignity, but is trying to +take life more genially and easily in his character of tourist, +which is further borne out by his white hat and summery +racecourse attire. + +The lady is between thirty and forty, tall, very goodlooking, +sympathetic, intelligent, tender and humorous, dressed with +cunning simplicity not as a businesslike, tailor made, gaitered +tourist, but as if she lived at the next cottage and had dropped +in for tea in blouse and flowered straw hat. A woman of great +vitality and humanity, who begins a casual acquaintance at the +point usually attained by English people after thirty years +acquaintance when they are capable of reaching it at all. She +pounces genially on Drinkwater, who is smirking at her, hat in +hand, with an air of hearty welcome. The gentleman, on the other +hand, comes down the side of the garden next the house, +instinctively maintaining a distance between himself and the +others. + +THE LADY (to Drinkwater). How dye do? Are you the missionary? + +DRINKWATER (modestly). Naow, lidy, aw will not deceive you, thow +the mistike his but netral. Awm wanne of the missionary's good +works, lidy--is first cornvert, a umble British seaman-- +countrymen o yours, lidy, and of is lawdship's. This eah is Mr. +Renkin, the bust worker in the wust cowst vawnyawd. (Introducing +the judge) Mr. Renkin: is lawdship Sr Ahrd Ellam. (He withdraws +discreetly into the house.) + +SIR HOWARD (to Rankin). I am sorry to intrude on you, Mr. Rankin; +but in the absence of a hotel there seems to be no alternative. + +LADY CICELY (beaming on him). Besides, we would so much RATHER +stay with you, if you will have us, Mr. Rankin. + +SIR HOWARD (introducing her). My sister-in-law, Lady Cicely +Waynflete, Mr. Rankin. + +RANKIN. I am glad to be of service to your leddyship. You will be +wishing to have some tea after your journey, I'm thinking. + +LADY CICELY. Thoughtful man that you are, Mr. Rankin! But we've +had some already on board the yacht. And I've arranged everything +with your servants; so you must go on gardening just as if we +were not here. + +SIR HOWARD. I am sorry to have to warn you, Mr. Rankin, that Lady +Cicely, from travelling in Africa, has acquired a habit of +walking into people's houses and behaving as if she were in her +own. + +LADY CICELY. But, my dear Howard, I assure you the natives like +it. + +RANKIN (gallantly). So do I. + +LADY CICELY (delighted). Oh, that is so nice of you, Mr. Rankin. +This is a delicious country! And the people seem so good! They +have such nice faces! We had such a handsome Moor to carry our +luggage up! And two perfect pets of Krooboys! Did you notice +their faces, Howard? + +SIR HOWARD. I did; and I can confidently say, after a long +experience of faces of the worst type looking at me from the +dock, that I have never seen so entirely villainous a trio as +that Moor and the two Krooboys, to whom you gave five dollars +when they would have been perfectly satisfied with one. + +RANKIN (throwing up his hands). Five dollars! 'Tis easy to see +you are not Scotch, my leddy. + +LADY CICELY. Oh, poor things, they must want it more than we do; +and you know, Howard, that Mahometans never spend money in drink. + +RANKIN. Excuse me a moment, my leddy. I have a word in season to +say to that same Moor. (He goes into the house.) + +LADY CICELY (walking about the garden, looking at the view and at +the flowers). I think this is a perfectly heavenly place. + +Drinkwater returns from the house with a chair. + +DRINKWATER (placing the chair for Sir Howard). Awskink yr pawdn +for the libbety, Sr Ahrd. + +SIR HOWARD (looking a him). I have seen you before somewhere. + +DRINKWATER. You ev, Sr Ahrd. But aw do assure yer it were hall a +mistike. + +SIR HOWARD. As usual. (He sits down.) Wrongfully convicted, of +course. + +DRINKWATER (with sly delight). Naow, gavner. (Half whispering, +with an ineffable grin) Wrorngfully hacquittid! + +SIR HOWARD. Indeed! That's the first case of the kind I have ever +met. + +DRINKWATER. Lawd, Sr Ahrd, wot jagginses them jurymen was! You an +me knaowed it too, didn't we? + +SIR HOWARD. I daresay we did. I am sorry to say I forget the +exact nature of the difficulty you were in. Can you refresh my +memory? + +DRINKWATER. Owny the aw sperrits o youth, y' lawdship. Worterleoo +Rowd kice. Wot they calls Ooliganism. + +SIR HOWARD. Oh! You were a Hooligan, were you? + +LADY CICELY (puzzled). A Hooligan! + +DRINKWATER (deprecatingly). Nime giv huz pore thortless leds baw +a gent on the Dily Chrornicle, lidy. (Rankin returns. Drinkwater +immediately withdraws, stopping the missionary for a moment near +the threshold to say, touching his forelock) Awll eng abaht +within ile, gavner, hin kice aw should be wornted. (He goes into +the house with soft steps.) + +Lady Cicely sits down on the bench under the tamarisk. Rankin +takes his stool from the flowerbed and sits down on her left, Sir +Howard being on her right. + +LADY CICELY. What a pleasant face your sailor friend has, Mr. +Rankin! He has been so frank and truthful with us. You know I +don't think anybody can pay me a greater compliment than to be +quite sincere with me at first sight. It's the perfection of +natural good manners. + +SIR HOWARD. You must not suppose, Mr. Rankin, that my +sister-in-law talks nonsense on purpose. She will continue to +believe in your friend until he steals her watch; and even then +she will find excuses for him. + +RANKIN (drily changing the subject). And how have ye been, Sir +Howrrd, since our last meeting that morning nigh forty year ago +down at the docks in London? + +SIR HOWARD (greatly surprised, pulling himself together) Our last +meeting! Mr. Rankin: have I been unfortunate enough to forget an +old acquaintance? + +RANKIN. Well, perhaps hardly an acquaintance, Sir Howrrd. But I +was a close friend of your brother Miles: and when he sailed for +Brazil I was one of the little party that saw him off. You were +one of the party also, if I'm not mistaken. I took particular +notice of you because you were Miles's brother and I had never +seen ye before. But ye had no call to take notice of me. + +SIR HOWARD (reflecting). Yes: there was a young friend of my +brother's who might well be you. But the name, as I recollect it, +was Leslie. + +RANKIN. That was me, sir. My name is Leslie Rankin; and your +brother and I were always Miles and Leslie to one another. + +SIR HOWARD (pluming himself a little). Ah! that explains it. I +can trust my memory still, Mr. Rankin; though some people do +complain that I am growing old. + +RANKIN. And where may Miles be now, Sir Howard? + +SIR HOWARD (abruptly). Don't you know that he is dead? + +RANKIN (much shocked). Never haird of it. Dear, dear: I shall +never see him again; and I can scarcely bring his face to mind +after all these years. (With moistening eyes, which at once touch +Lady Cicely's sympathy) I'm right sorry--right sorry. + +SIR HOWARD (decorously subduing his voice). Yes: he did not live +long: indeed, he never came back to England. It must be nearly +thirty years ago now that he died in the West Indies on his +property there. + +RANKIN (surprised). His proaperty! Miles with a proaperty! + +SIR HOWARD. Yes: he became a planter, and did well out there, Mr. +Rankin. The history of that property is a very curious and +interesting one--at least it is so to a lawyer like myself. + +RANKIN. I should be glad to hear it for Miles's sake, though I am +no lawyer, Sir Howrrd. + +LADY CICELY. I never knew you had a brother, Howard. + +SIR HOWARD (not pleased by this remark). Perhaps because you +never asked me. (Turning more blandly to Rankin) I will tell you +the story, Mr. Rankin. When Miles died, he left an estate in one +of the West Indian islands. It was in charge of an agent who was +a sharpish fellow, with all his wits about him. Now, sir, that +man did a thing which probably could hardly be done with impunity +even here in Morocco, under the most barbarous of surviving +civilizations. He quite simply took the estate for himself and +kept it. + +RANKIN. But how about the law? + +SIR HOWARD. The law, sir, in that island, consisted practically +of the Attorney General and the Solicitor General; and these +gentlemen were both retained by the agent. Consequently there was +no solicitor in the island to take up the case against him. + +RANKIN. Is such a thing possible to-day in the British Empire? + +SIR HOWARD (calmly). Oh, quite. Quite. + +LADY CICELY. But could not a firstrate solicitor have been sent +out from London? + +SIR HOWARD. No doubt, by paying him enough to compensate him for +giving up his London practice: that is, rather more than there +was any reasonable likelihood of the estate proving worth. + +RANKIN. Then the estate was lost? + +SIR HOWARD. Not permanently. It is in my hands at present. + +RANKIN. Then how did ye get it back? + +SIR HOWARD (with crafty enjoyment of his own cunning). By +hoisting the rogue with his own petard. I had to leave matters as +they were for many years; for I had my own position in the world +to make. But at last I made it. In the course of a holiday trip +to the West Indies, I found that this dishonest agent had left +the island, and placed the estate in the hands of an agent of his +own, whom he was foolish enough to pay very badly. I put the case +before that agent; and he decided to treat the estate as my +property. The robber now found himself in exactly the same +position he had formerly forced me into. Nobody in the island +would act against me, least of all the Attorney and Solicitor +General, who appreciated my influence at the Colonial Office. And +so I got the estate back. "The mills of the gods grind slowly," +Mr. Rankin; "but they grind exceeding small." + +LADY CICELY. Now I suppose if I'd done such a clever thing in +England, you'd have sent me to prison. + +SIR HOWARD. Probably, unless you had taken care to keep outside +the law against conspiracy. Whenever you wish to do anything +against the law, Cicely, always consult a good solicitor first. + +LADY CICELY. So I do. But suppose your agent takes it into his +head to give the estate back to his wicked old employer! + +SIR HOWARD. I heartily wish he would. + +RANKIN (openeyed). You wish he WOULD!! + +SIR HOWARD. Yes. A few years ago the collapse of the West Indian +sugar industry converted the income of the estate into an annual +loss of about 150 pounds a year. If I can't sell it soon, I shall +simply abandon it--unless you, Mr. Rankin, would like to take it +as a present. + +RANKIN (laughing). I thank your lordship: we have estates enough +of that sort in Scotland. You're setting with your back to the +sun, Leddy Ceecily, and losing something worth looking at. See +there. (He rises and points seaward, where the rapid twilight of +the latitude has begun.) + +LADY CICELY (getting up to look and uttering a cry of +admiration). Oh, how lovely! + +SIR HOWARD (also rising). What are those hills over there to the +southeast? + +RANKIN. They are the outposts, so to speak, of the Atlas +Mountains. + +LADY CICELY. The Atlas Mountains! Where Shelley's witch lived! +We'll make an excursion to them to-morrow, Howard. + +RANKIN. That's impoassible, my leddy. The natives are verra +dangerous. + +LADY CICELY. Why? Has any explorer been shooting them? + +RANKIN. No. But every man of them believes he will go to heaven +if he kills an unbeliever. + +LADY CICELY. Bless you, dear Mr. Rankin, the people in England +believe that they will go to heaven if they give all their +property to the poor. But they don't do it. I'm not a bit afraid +of that. + +RANKIN. But they are not accustomed to see women going about +unveiled. + +LADY CICELY. I always get on best with people when they can see +my face. + +SIR HOWARD. Cicely: you are talking great nonsense and you know +it. These people have no laws to restrain them, which means, in +plain English, that they are habitual thieves and murderers. + +RANKIN. Nay, nay: not exactly that, + +LADY CICELY (indignantly). Of course not. You always think, +Howard, that nothing prevents people killing each other but the +fear of your hanging them for it. But what nonsense that is! And +how wicked! If these people weren't here for some good purpose, +they wouldn't have been made, would they, Mr. Rankin? + +RANKIN. That is a point, certainly, Leddy Ceecily. + +SIR HOWARD. Oh, if you are going to talk theology-- + +LADY CICELY. Well, why not? theology is as respectable as law, I +should think. Besides, I'm only talking commonsense. Why do +people get killed by savages? Because instead of being polite to +them, and saying Howdyedo? like me, people aim pistols at them. +I've been among savages--cannibals and all sorts. Everybody said +they'd kill me. But when I met them, I said Howdyedo? and they +were quite nice. The kings always wanted to marry me. + +SIR HOWARD. That does not seem to me to make you any safer here, +Cicely. You shall certainly not stir a step beyond the protection +of the consul, if I can help it, without a strong escort. + +LADY CICELY. I don't want an escort. + +SIR HOWARD. I do. And I suppose you will expect me to accompany +you. + +RANKIN. 'Tis not safe, Leddy Ceecily. Really and truly, 'tis not +safe. The tribes are verra fierce; and there are cities here that +no Christian has ever set foot in. If you go without being well +protected, the first chief you meet well seize you and send you +back again to prevent his followers murdering you. + +LADY CICELY. Oh, how nice of him, Mr. Rankin! + +RANKIN. He would not do it for your sake, Leddy Ceecily, but for +his own. The Sultan would get into trouble with England if you +were killed; and the Sultan would kill the chief to pacify the +English government. + +LADY CICELY. But I always go everywhere. I KNOW the people here +won't touch me. They have such nice faces and such pretty +scenery. + +SIR HOWARD (to Rankin, sitting down again resignedly). You can +imagine how much use there is in talking to a woman who admires +the faces of the ruffians who infest these ports, Mr. Rankin. Can +anything be done in the way of an escort? + +RANKIN. There is a certain Captain Brassbound here who trades +along the coast, and occasionally escorts parties of merchants on +journeys into the interior. I understand that he served under +Gordon in the Soudan. + +SIR HOWARD. That sounds promising. But I should like to know a +little more about him before I trust myself in his hands. + +RANKIN. I quite agree with you, Sir Howrrd. I'll send Felix +Drinkwotter for him. (He claps his hands. An Arab boy appears at +the house door.) Muley: is sailor man here? (Muley nods.) Tell +sailor man bring captain. (Muley nods and goes.) + +SIR HOWARD. Who is Drinkwater? + +RANKIN. His agent, or mate: I don't rightly know which. + +LADY CICELY. Oh, if he has a mate named Felix Drinkwater, it must +be quite a respectable crew. It is such a nice name. + +RANKIN. You saw him here just now. He is a convert of mine. + +LADY CICELY (delighted). That nice truthful sailor! + +SIR HOWARD (horrified). What! The Hooligan! + +RANKIN (puzzled). Hooligan? No, my lord: he is an Englishman. + +SIR HOWARD. My dear Mr. Rankin, this man was tried before me on a +charge of street ruffianism. + +RANKIN. So he told me. He was badly broat up, I am afraid. But he +is now a converted man. + +LADY CICELY. Of course he is. His telling you so frankly proves +it. You know, really, Howard, all those poor people whom you try +are more sinned against than sinning. If you would only talk to +them in a friendly way instead of passing cruel sentences on +them, you would find them quite nice to you. (Indignantly) I +won't have this poor man trampled on merely because his mother +brought him up as a Hooligan. I am sure nobody could be nicer +than he was when he spoke to us. + +SIR HOWARD. In short, we are to have an escort of Hooligans +commanded by a filibuster. Very well, very well. You will most +likely admire all their faces; and I have no doubt at all that +they will admire yours. + +Drinkwater comes from the house with an Italian dressed in a much +worn suit of blue serge, a dilapidated Alpine hat, and boots +laced with scraps of twine. He remains near the door, whilst +Drinkwater comes forward between Sir Howard and Lady Cicely. + +DRINKWATER. Yr honor's servant. (To the Italian) Mawtzow: is +lawdship Sr Ahrd Ellam. (Marzo touches his hat.) Er Lidyship Lidy +Winefleet. (Marzo touches his hat.) Hawtellian shipmite, lidy. +Hahr chef. + +LADY CICELY (nodding affably to Marzo). Howdyedo? I love Italy. +What part of it were you born in? + +DRINKWATER. Worn't bawn in Hitly at all, lidy. Bawn in Ettn Gawdn +(Hatton Garden). Hawce barrer an street pianner Hawtellian, lidy: +thet's wot e is. Kepn Brarsbahnd's respects to yr honors; an e +awites yr commawnds. + +RANKIN. Shall we go indoors to see him? + +SIR HOWARD. I think we had better have a look at him by daylight. + +RANKIN. Then we must lose no time: the dark is soon down in this +latitude. (To Drinkwater) Will ye ask him to step out here to us, +Mr. Drinkwotter? + +DRINKWATER. Rawt you aw, gavner. (He goes officiously into the +house.) + +Lady Cicely and Rankin sit down as before to receive the Captain. +The light is by this time waning rapidly, the darkness creeping +west into the orange crimson. + +LADY CICELY (whispering). Don't you feel rather creepy, Mr. +Rankin? I wonder what he'll be like. + +RANKIN. I misdoubt me he will not answer, your leddyship. + +There is a scuffling noise in the house; and Drinkwater shoots +out through the doorway across the garden with every appearance +of having been violently kicked. Marzo immediately hurries down +the garden on Sir Howard's right out of the neighborhood of the +doorway. + +DRINKWATER (trying to put a cheerful air on much mortification and +bodily anguish). Narsty step to thet ere door tripped me hap, it +did. (Raising his voice and narrowly escaping a squeak of pain) +Kepn Brarsbahnd. (He gets as far from the house as possible, on +Rankin's left. Rankin rises to receive his guest.) + +An olive complexioned man with dark southern eyes and hair comes +from the house. Age about 36. Handsome features, but joyless; +dark eyebrows drawn towards one another; mouth set grimly; +nostrils large and strained: a face set to one tragic purpose. A +man of few words, fewer gestures, and much significance. On the +whole, interesting, and even attractive, but not friendly. He +stands for a moment, saturnine in the ruddy light, to see who is +present, looking in a singular and rather deadly way at Sir +Howard; then with some surprise and uneasiness at Lady Cicely. +Finally he comes down into the middle of the garden, and +confronts Rankin, who has been glaring at him in consternation +from the moment of his entrance, and continues to do so in so +marked a way that the glow in Brassbound's eyes deepens as he +begins to take offence. + +BRASSBOUND. Well, sir, have you stared your fill at me? + +RANKIN (recovering himself with a start). I ask your pardon for +my bad manners, Captain Brassbound. Ye are extraordinair lek an +auld college friend of mine, whose face I said not ten minutes +gone that I could no longer bring to mind. It was as if he had +come from the grave to remind me of it. + +BRASSBOUND. Why have you sent for me? + +RANKIN. We have a matter of business with ye, Captain. + +BRASSBOUND. Who are "we"? + +RANKIN. This is Sir Howrrd Hallam, who will be well known to ye +as one of Her Majesty's judges. + +BRASSBOUND (turning the singular look again on Sir Howard). The +friend of the widow! the protector of the fatherless! + +SIR HOWARD (startled). I did not know I was so favorably spoken +of in these parts, Captain Brassbound. We want an escort for a +trip into the mountains. + +BRASSBOUND (ignoring this announcement). Who is the lady? + +RANKIN. Lady Ceecily Waynflete, his lordship's sister-in-law. + +LADY CICELY. Howdyedo, Captain Brassbound? (He bows gravely.) + +SIR HOWARD (a little impatient of these questions, which strike +him as somewhat impertinent). Let us come to business, if you +please. We are thinking of making a short excursion to see the +country about here. Can you provide us with an escort of +respectable, trustworthy men? + +BRASSBOUND. No. + +DRINKWATER (in strong remonstrance). Nah, nah, nah! Nah look eah, +Kepn, y'knaow-- + +BRASSBOUND (between his teeth). Hold your tongue. + +DRINKWATER (abjectly). Yuss, Kepn. + +RANKIN. I understood it was your business to provide escorts, +Captain Brassbound. + +BRASSBOUND. You were rightly informed. That IS my business. + +LADY CICELY. Then why won't you do it for us? + +BRASSBOUND. You are not content with an escort. You want +respectable, trustworthy men. You should have brought a +division of London policemen with you. My men are neither +respectable nor trustworthy. + +DRINKWATER (unable to contain himself). Nah, nah, look eah, Kepn. +If you want to be moddist, be moddist on your aown accahnt, nort +on mawn. + +BRASSBOUND. You see what my men are like. That rascal (indicating +Marzo) would cut a throat for a dollar if he had courage enough. + +MARZO. I not understand. I no spik Englis. + +BRASSBOUND. This thing (pointing to Drinkwater) is the greatest +liar, thief, drunkard, and rapscallion on the west coast. + +DRINKWATER (affecting an ironic indifference). Gow orn, Gow orn. +Sr Ahrd ez erd witnesses to maw kerrickter afoah. E knaows ah +mech to believe of em. + +LADY CICELY. Captain Brassbound: I have heard all that before +about the blacks; and I found them very nice people when they +were properly treated. + +DRINKWATER (chuckling: the Italian is also grinning). Nah, Kepn, +nah! Owp yr prahd o y'seolf nah. + +BRASSBOUND. I quite understand the proper treatment for him, +madam. If he opens his mouth again without my leave, I will break +every bone in his skin. + +LADY CICELY (in her most sunnily matter-of-fact way). Does +Captain Brassbound always treat you like this, Mr. Drinkwater? + +Drinkwater hesitates, and looks apprehensively at the Captain. + +BRASSBOUND. Answer, you dog, when the lady orders you. (To Lady +Cicely) Do not address him as Mr. Drinkwater, madam: he is +accustomed to be called Brandyfaced Jack. + +DRINKWATER (indignantly). Eah, aw sy! nah look eah, Kepn: maw +nime is Drinkworter. You awsk em et Sin Jorn's in the Worterleoo +Rowd. Orn maw grenfawther's tombstown, it is. + +BRASSBOUND. It will be on your own tombstone, presently, if you +cannot hold your tongue. (Turning to the others) Let us +understand one another, if you please. An escort here, or +anywhere where there are no regular disciplined forces, is what +its captain makes it. If I undertake this business, I shall be +your escort. I may require a dozen men, just as I may require a +dozen horses. Some of the horses will be vicious; so will all the +men. If either horse or man tries any of his viciousness on me, +so much the worse for him; but it will make no difference to you. +I will order my men to behave themselves before the lady; and +they shall obey their orders. But the lady will please understand +that I take my own way with them and suffer no interference. + +LADY CICELY. Captain Brassbound: I don't want an escort at all. +It will simply get us all into danger; and I shall have the +trouble of getting it out again. That's what escorts always do. +But since Sir Howard prefers an escort, I think you had better +stay at home and let me take charge of it. I know your men will +get on perfectly well if they're properly treated. + +DRINKWATER (with enthusiasm). Feed aht o yr and, lidy, we would. + +BRASSBOUND (with sardonic assent). Good. I agree. (To Drinkwater) +You shall go without me. + +DRINKWATER. (terrified). Eah! Wot are you a syin orn? We cawn't +gow withaht yer. (To Lady Cicely) Naow, lidy: it wouldn't be for +yr hown good. Yer cawn't hexpect a lot o poor honeddikited men +lawk huz to ran ahrseolvs into dineger withaht naow Kepn to teoll +us wot to do. Naow, lidy: hoonawted we stend: deevawdid we fall. + +LADY CICELY. Oh, if you prefer your captain, have him by all +means. Do you LIKE to be treated as he treats you? + +DAINKWATER (with a smile of vanity). Weoll, lidy: y cawn't deenaw +that e's a Paffick Genlmn. Bit hawbitrairy, preps; but hin a +genlmn you looks for sich. It tikes a hawbitrairy wanne to knock +aht them eathen Shikes, aw teoll yer. + +BRASSBOUND. That's enough. Go. + +DRINKWATER. Weoll, aw was hownly a teolln the lidy thet-- (A +threatening movement from Brassbound cuts him short. He flies for +his life into the house, followed by the Italian.) + +BRASSBOUND. Your ladyship sees. These men serve me by their own +free choice. If they are dissatisfied, they go. If I am +dissatisfied, they go. They take care that I am not dissatisfied. + +SIR HOWARD (who has listened with approval and growing +confidence). Captain Brassbound: you are the man I want. If your +terms are at all reasonable, I will accept your services if we +decide to make an excursion. You do not object, Cicely, I hope. + +LADY CICELY. Oh no. After all, those men must really like you, +Captain Brassbound. I feel sure you have a kind heart. You have +such nice eyes. + +SIR HOWARD (scandalized). My DEAR Cicely: you really must +restrain your expressions of confidence in people's eyes and +faces. (To Brassbound) Now, about terms, Captain? + +BRASSBOUND. Where do you propose to go? + +SIR HOWARD. I hardly know. Where CAN we go, Mr. Rankin? + +RANKIN. Take my advice, Sir Howrrd. Don't go far. + +BRASSBOUND. I can take you to Meskala, from which you can see the +Atlas Mountains. From Meskala I can take you to an ancient castle +in the hills, where you can put up as long as you please. The +customary charge is half a dollar a man per day and his food. I +charge double. + +SIR HOWARD. I suppose you answer for your men being sturdy +fellows, who will stand to their guns if necessary. + +BRASSBOUND. I can answer for their being more afraid of me than +of the Moors. + +LADY CICELY. That doesn't matter in the least, Howard. The +important thing, Captain Brassbound, is: first, that we should +have as few men as possible, because men give such a lot of +trouble travelling. And then, they must have good lungs and not +be always catching cold. Above all, their clothes must be of good +wearing material. Otherwise I shall be nursing and stitching and +mending all the way; and it will be trouble enough, I assure you, +to keep them washed and fed without that. + +BRASSBOUND (haughtily). My men, madam, are not children in the +nursery. + +LADY CICELY (with unanswerable conviction). Captain Brassbound: +all men are children in the nursery. I see that you don't notice +things. That poor Italian had only one proper bootlace: the other +was a bit of string. And I am sure from Mr. Drinkwater's +complexion that he ought to have some medicine. + +BRASSBOUND (outwardly determined not to be trifled with: inwardly +puzzled and rather daunted). Madam: if you want an escort, I can +provide you with an escort. If you want a Sunday School treat, I +can NOT provide it. + +LADY CICELY (with sweet melancholy). Ah, don't you wish you +could, Captain? Oh, if I could only show you my children from +Waynflete Sunday School! The darlings would love this place, with +all the camels and black men. I'm sure you would enjoy having +them here, Captain Brassbound; and it would be such an education +for your men! (Brassbound stares at her with drying lips.) + +SIR HOWARD. Cicely: when you have quite done talking nonsense to +Captain Brassbound, we can proceed to make some definite +arrangement with him. + +LADY CICELY. But it's arranged already. We'll start at eight +o'clock to-morrow morning, if you please, Captain. Never mind +about the Italian: I have a big box of clothes with me for my +brother in Rome; and there are some bootlaces in it. Now go home +to bed and don't fuss yourself. All you have to do is to bring +your men round; and I'll see to the rest. Men are always so +nervous about moving. Goodnight. (She offers him her hand. +Surprised, he pulls off his cap for the first time. Some scruple +prevents him from taking her hand at once. He hesitates; then +turns to Sir Howard and addresses him with warning earnestness.) + +BRASSBOUND. Sir Howard Hallam: I advise you not to attempt this +expedition. + +SIR HOWARD. Indeed! Why? + +BRASSBOUND. You are safe here. I warn you, in those hills there +is a justice that is not the justice of your courts in England. +If you have wronged a man, you may meet that man there. If you +have wronged a woman, you may meet her son there. The justice of +those hills is the justice of vengeance. + +SIR HOWARD (faintly amused). You are superstitious, Captain. Most +sailors are, I notice. However, I have complete confidence in +your escort. + +BRASSBOUND (almost threateningly). Take care. The avenger may be +one of the escort. + +SIR HOWARD. I have already met the only member of your escort who +might have borne a grudge against me, Captain; and he was +acquitted. + +BRASSBOUND. You are fated to come, then? + +SIR HOWARD (smiling). It seems so. + +BRASSBOUND. On your head be it! (To Lady Cicely, accepting her +hand at last) Goodnight. + +He goes. It is by this time starry night. + + + +ACT II + +Midday. A roam in a Moorish castle. A divan seat runs round the +dilapidated adobe walls, which are partly painted, partly faced +with white tiles patterned in green and yellow. The ceiling is +made up of little squares, painted in bright colors, with gilded +edges, and ornamented with gilt knobs. On the cement floor +are mattings, sheepskins, and leathern cushions with geometrical +patterns on them. There is a tiny Moorish table in the middle; +and at it a huge saddle, with saddle cloths of various colors, +showing that the room is used by foreigners accustomed to chairs. +Anyone sitting at the table in this seat would have the chief +entrance, a large horseshoe arch, on his left, and another saddle +seat between him and the arch; whilst, if susceptible to +draughts, he would probably catch cold from a little Moorish door +in the wall behind him to his right. + +Two or three of Brassbound's men, overcome by the midday heat, +sprawl supine on the floor, with their reefer coats under their +heads, their knees uplifted, and their calves laid comfortably on +the divan. Those who wear shirts have them open at the throat for +greater coolness. Some have jerseys. All wear boots and belts, +and have guns ready to their hands. One of them, lying with his +head against the second saddle seat, wears what was once a +fashionable white English yachting suit. He is evidently a +pleasantly worthless young English gentleman gone to the +bad, but retaining sufficient self-respect to shave carefully and +brush his hair, which is wearing thin, and does not seem to have +been luxuriant even in its best days. + +The silence is broken only by the snores of the young gentleman, +whose mouth has fallen open, until a few distant shots half waken +him. He shuts his mouth convulsively, and opens his eyes +sleepily. A door is violently kicked outside; and the voice of +Drinkwater is heard raising urgent alarm. + +DRINKWATER. Wot ow! Wike ap there, will yr. Wike ap. (He rushes +in through the horseshoe arch, hot and excited, and runs round, +kicking the sleepers) Nah then. Git ap. Git ap, will yr, Kiddy +Redbrook. (He gives the young qentleman a rude shove.) + +REDBOOK (sitting up). Stow that, will you. What's amiss? + +DRINKWATER (disgusted). Wot's amiss! Didn't eah naow fawrin, I +spowse. + +REDBROOK. No. + +DRINKWATER (sneering). Naow. Thort it sifer nort, didn't yr? + +REDBROOK (with crisp intelligence). What! You're running away, +are you? (He springs up, crying) Look alive, Johnnies: there's +danger. Brandyfaced Jack's on the run. (They spring up hastily, +grasping their guns.) + +DRINKWATER. Dineger! Yuss: should think there wors dineger. It's +howver, thow, as it mowstly his baw the tawm YOU'RE awike. (They +relapse into lassitude.) Waw wasn't you on the look-aht to give +us a end? Bin hattecked baw the Benny Seeras (Beni Siras), we ev, +an ed to rawd for it pretty strite, too, aw teoll yr. Mawtzow is +it: the bullet glawnst all rahnd is bloomin brisket. Brarsbahnd e +dropt the Shike's oss at six unnern fifty yawds. (Bustling them +about) Nah then: git the plice ready for the British +herristoracy, Lawd Ellam and Lidy Wineflete. + +REDBOOK. Lady faint, eh? + +DRINKWATER. Fynt! Not lawkly. Wornted to gow an talk, to the +Benny Seeras: blaow me if she didn't! huz wot we was frahtnd of. +Tyin up Mawtzow's wound, she is, like a bloomin orspittle nass. +(Sir Howard, with a copious pagri on his white hat, enters +through the horseshoe arch, followed by a couple of men +supporting the wounded Marzo, who, weeping and terrorstricken by +the prospect of death and of subsequent torments for which he is +conscious of having eminently qualified himself, has his coat off +and a bandage round his chest. One of his supporters is a +blackbearded, thickset, slow, middle-aged man with an air of +damaged respectability, named--as it afterwards appears--Johnson. +Lady Cicely walks beside Marzo. Redbrook, a little shamefaced, +crosses the room to the opposite wall as far away as possible +from the visitors. Drinkwater turns and receives them with +jocular ceremony.) Weolcome to Brarsbahnd Cawstl, Sr Ahrd an +lidy. This eah is the corfee and commercial room. + +Sir Howard goes to the table and sits on the saddle, rather +exhausted. Lady Cicely comes to Drinkwater. + +LADY CICELY. Where is Marzo's bed? + +DRINKWATER. Is bed, lidy? Weoll: e ynt petickler, lidy. E ez is +chawce of henny flegstown agin thet wall. + +They deposit Marzo on the flags against the wall close to the +little door. He groans. Johnson phlegmatically leaves him and +joins Redbrook. + +LADY CICELY. But you can't leave him there in that state. + +DRINKWATER. Ow: e's hall rawt. (Strolling up callously to Marzo) +You're hall rawt, ynt yer, Mawtzow? (Marzo whimpers.) Corse y'aw. + +LADY CICELY (to Sir Howard). Did you ever see such a helpless lot +of poor creatures? (She makes for the little door.) + +DRINKWATER. Eah! (He runs to the door and places himself before +it.) Where mawt yr lidyship be gowin? + +LADY CICELY. I'm going through every room in this castle to find +a proper place to put that man. And now I'll tell you where +YOU'RE going. You're going to get some water for Marzo, who is +very thirsty. And then, when I've chosen a room for him, you're +going to make a bed for him there. + +DRINKWATER (sarcastically). Ow! Henny ather little suvvice? Mike +yrseolf at owm, y' knaow, lidy. + +LADY CICELY (considerately). Don't go if you'd rather not, Mr. +Drinkwater. Perhaps you're too tired. (Turning to the archway) +I'll ask Captain Brassbound: he won't mind. + +DRINKWATER (terrified, running after her and getting between her +and the arch). Naow, naow! Naow, lidy: doesn't you goes disturbin +the Kepn. Awll see to it. + +LADY CICELY (gravely). I was sure you would, Mr. Drinkwater. You +have such a kind face. (She turns back and goes out through the +small door.) + +DRINKWATER (looking after her). Garn! + +SIR HOWARD (to Drinkwater). Will you ask one of your friends to +show me to my room whilst you are getting the water? + +DRINKWATER (insolently). Yr room! Ow: this ynt good enaf fr yr, +ynt it? (Ferociously) Oo a you orderin abaht, ih? + +SIR HOWARD (rising quietly, and taking refuge between Redbrook +and Johnson, whom he addresses). Can you find me a more private +room than this? + +JOHNSON (shaking his head). I've no orders. You must wait til the +capn comes, sir. + +DRINKWATER (following Sir Howard). Yuss; an whawl you're witin, +yll tike your horders from me: see? + +JOHNSON (with slow severity, to Drinkwater). Look here: do you +see three genlmen talkin to one another here, civil and private, +eh? + +DRINKWATER (chapfallen). No offence, Miste Jornsn-- + +JOHNSON (ominously). Ay; but there is offence. Where's your +manners, you guttersnipe? (Turning to Sir Howard) That's the +curse o this kind o life, sir: you got to associate with all +sorts. My father, sir, was Capn Johnson o Hull--owned his own +schooner, sir. We're mostly gentlemen here, sir, as you'll find, +except the poor ignorant foreigner and that there scum of the +submerged tenth. (Contemptuously looking at Drinkwater) HE ain't +nobody's son: he's only a offspring o coster folk or such. + +DRINKWATER (bursting into tears). Clawss feelin! thet's wot it +is: clawss feelin! Wot are yer, arter all, bat a bloomin gang o +west cowst cazhls (casual ward paupers)? (Johnson is scandalized; +and there is a general thrill of indignation.) Better ev naow +fembly, an rawse aht of it, lawk me, than ev a specble one and +disgrice it, lawk you. + +JOHNSON. Brandyfaced Jack: I name you for conduct and language +unbecoming to a gentleman. Those who agree will signify the same +in the usual manner. + +ALL (vehemently). Aye. + +DRINKWATER (wildly). Naow. + +JOHNSON. Felix Drinkwater: are you goin out, or are you goin to +wait til you're chucked out? You can cry in the passage. If you +give any trouble, you'll have something to cry for. + +They make a threatenng movement towards Drinkwater. + +DRINKWATER (whimpering). You lee me alown: awm gowin. There's +n'maw true demmecrettick feelin eah than there is in the owl +bloomin M division of Noontn Corzwy coppers (Newington Causeway +policemen). + +As he slinks away in tears towards the arch, Brassbound enters. +Drinkwater promptly shelters himself on the captain's left hand, +the others retreating to the opposite side as Brassbound advances +to the middle of the room. Sir Howard retires behind them and +seats himself on the divan, much fatigued. + +BRASSBOUND (to Drinkwater). What are you snivelling at? + +DRINKWATER. You awsk the wust cowst herristorcracy. They fawnds +maw cornduck hanbecammin to a genlmn. + +Brassbound is about to ask Johnson for an explanation, when Lady +Cicely returns through the little door, and comes between +Brassbound and Drinkwater. + +LADY CICELY (to Drinkwater). Have you fetched the water? + +DRINKWATER. Yuss: nah YOU begin orn me. (He weeps afresh.) + +LADY CICELY (surprised). Oh! This won't do, Mr. Drinkwater. If +you cry, I can't let you nurse your friend. + +DRINKWATER (frantic). Thet'll brike maw awt, wown't it nah? (With +a lamentable sob, he throws himself down on the divan, raging +like an angry child.) + +LADY CICELY (after contemplating him in astonishment for a +moment). Captain Brassbound: are there any charwomen in the Atlas +Mountains? + +BRASSB0UND. There are people here who will work if you pay them, +as there are elsewhere. + +LADY CICELY. This castle is very romantic, Captain; but it hasn't +had a spring cleaning since the Prophet lived in it. There's only +one room I can put that wounded man into. It's the only one that +has a bed in it: the second room on the right out of that +passage. + +BRASSBOUND (haughtily). That is my room, madam. + +LADY CICELY (relieved). Oh, that's all right. It would have been +so awkward if I had had to ask one of your men to turn out. You +won't mind, I know. (All the men stare at her. Even Drinkwater +forgets his sorrows in his stupefaction.) + +BRASSBOUND. Pray, madam, have you made any arrangements for my +accommodation? + +LADY CICELY (reassuringly). Yes: you can have my room instead +wherever it may be: I'm sure you chose me a nice one. I must be +near my patient; and I don't mind roughing it. Now I must have +Marzo moved very carefully. Where is that truly gentlemanly Mr. +Johnson?--oh, there you are, Mr. Johnson. (She runs to Johnson, +past Brassbound, who has to step back hastily out of her way with +every expression frozen out of his face except one of extreme and +indignant dumbfoundedness). Will you ask your strong friend to +help you with Marzo: strong people are always so gentle. + +JOHNSON. Let me introdooce Mr. Redbrook. Your ladyship may know +his father, the very Rev. Dean Redbrook. (He goes to Marzo.) + +REDBROOK. Happy to oblige you, Lady Cicely. + +LADY CICELY (shaking hands). Howdyedo? Of course I knew your +father--Dunham, wasn't it? Were you ever called-- + +REDBROOK. The kid? Yes. + +LADY CICELY. But why-- + +REDBROOK (anticipating the rest of the question). Cards and +drink, Lady Sis. (He follows Johnson to the patient. Lady Cicely +goes too.) Now, Count Marzo. (Marzo groans as Johnson and +Redbrook raise him.) + +LADY CICELY. Now they're NOT hurting you, Marzo. They couldn't be +more gentle. + +MARZO. Drink. + +LADY CICELY. I'll get you some water myself. Your friend Mr. +Drinkwater was too overcome--take care of the corner--that's it-- +the second door on the right. (She goes out with Marzo and his +bearers through the little door.) + +BRASSBOUND (still staring). Well, I AM damned!-- + +DRINKWATER (getting up). Weoll, blimey! + +BRASSBOUND (turning irritably on him). What did you say? + +DRINKWATER. Weoll, wot did yer sy yrseolf, kepn? Fust tawm aw +yever see y' afride of ennybody. (The others laugh.) + +BRASSBOUND. Afraid! + +DRINKWATER (maliciously). She's took y' bed from hander yr for a +bloomin penny hawcemen. If y' ynt afride, let's eah yer speak ap +to er wen she cams bawck agin. + +BRASSBOUND (to Sir Howard). I wish you to understand, Sir Howard, +that in this castle, it is I who give orders, and no one else. +Will you be good enough to let Lady Cicely Waynflete know that. + +SIR HOWARD (sitting up on the divan and pulling himself +together). You will have ample opportunity for speaking to Lady +Cicely yourself when she returns. (Drinkwater chuckles: and the +rest grin.) + +BRASSBOUND. My manners are rough, Sir Howard. I have no wish to +frighten the lady. + +SIR HOWARD. Captain Brassbound: if you can frighten Lady Cicely, +you will confer a great obligation on her family. If she had any +sense of danger, perhaps she would keep out of it. + +BRASSBOUND. Well, sir, if she were ten Lady Cicelys, she must +consult me while she is here. + +DRINKWATER. Thet's rawt, kepn. Let's eah you steblish yr +hawthority. (Brassbound turns impatiently on him: He retreats +remonstrating) Nah, nah, nah! + +SIR HOWARD. If you feel at all nervous, Captain Brassbound, I +will mention the matter with pleasure. + +BRASSBOUND. Nervous, sir! no. Nervousness is not in my line. You +will find me perfectly capable of saying what I want to say--with +considerable emphasis, if necessary. (Sir Howard assents with a +polite but incredulous nod.) + +DRINKWATER. Eah, eah! + +Lady Cicely returns with Johnson and Redbrook. She carries a jar. + +LADY CICELY (stopping between the door and the arch). Now for the +water. Where is it? + +REDBROOK. There's a well in the courtyard. I'll come and work the +bucket. + +LADY CICELY. So good of you, Mr. Redbrook. (She makes for the +horseshoe arch, followed by Redbrook.) + +DRINKWATER. Nah, Kepn Brassbound: you got sathink to sy to the +lidy, ynt yr? + +LADY CICELY (stopping). I'll come back to hear it presently, +Captain. And oh, while I remember it (coming forward between +Brassbound and Drinkwater), do please tell me Captain, if I +interfere with your arrangements in any way. It I disturb you the +least bit in the world, stop me at once. You have all the +responsibility; and your comfort and your authority must be the +first thing. You'll tell me, won't you? + +BRASSBOUND (awkwardly, quite beaten). Pray do as you please, +madam. + +LADY CICELY. Thank you. That's so like you, Captain. Thank you. +Now, Mr. Redbrook! Show me the way to the well. (She follows +Redbrook out through the arch.) + +DRINKWATER. Yah! Yah! Shime! Beat baw a woman! + +JOHNSON (coming forward on Brassbound's right). What's wrong now? + +DRINKWATER (with an air of disappointment and disillusion). +Down't awsk me, Miste Jornsn. The kepn's naow clawss arter all. + +BRASSBOUND (a little shamefacedly). What has she been fixing up +in there, Johnson? + +JOHNSON. Well: Marzo's in your bed. Lady wants to make a kitchen +of the Sheikh's audience chamber, and to put me and the Kid handy +in his bedroom in case Marzo gets erysipelas and breaks out +violent. From what I can make out, she means to make herself +matron of this institution. I spose it's all right, isn't it? + +DRINKWATER. Yuss, an horder huz abaht as if we was keb tahts! An +the kepn afride to talk bawck at er! + +Lady Cicely returns with Redbrook. She carries the jar full of +water. + +LADY CICELY (putting down the jar, and coming between Brassbound +and Drinkwater as before). And now, Captain, before I go to poor +Marzo, what have you to say to me? + +BRASSBOUND. I! Nothing. + +DRINKWATER. Down't fank it, gavner. Be a men! + +LADY CICELY (looking at Drinkwater, puzzled). Mr. Drinkwater said +you had. + +BRASSBOUND (recovering himself). It was only this. That fellow +there (pointing to Drinkwater) is subject to fits of insolence. +If he is impertinent to your ladyship, or disobedient, you have +my authority to order him as many kicks as you think good for +him; and I will see that he gets them. + +DRINKWATER (lifting up his voice in protest). Nah, nah-- + +LADY CICELY. Oh, I couldn't think of such a thing, Captain +Brassbound. I am sure it would hurt Mr. Drinkwater. + +DRINKWATER (lachrymosely). Lidy's hinkyp'ble o sich bawbrous +usage. + +LADY CICELY. But there's one thing I SHOULD like, if Mr. +Drinkwater won't mind my mentioning it. It's so important if he's +to attend on Marzo. + +BRASSBOUND. What is that? + +LADY CICELY. Well--you WON'T mind, Mr. Drinkwater, will you? + +DRINKWATER (suspiciously). Wot is it? + +LADY CICELY. There would be so much less danger of erysipelas if +you would be so good as to take a bath. + +DRINKWATER (aghast). A bawth! + +BRASSBOUND (in tones of command). Stand by, all hands. (They +stand by.) Take that man and wash him. (With a roar of laughter +they seize him.) + +DRINKWATER (in an agony of protest). Naow, naow. Look eah-- + +BRASSBOUND (ruthlessly). In COLD water. + +DRINKWATER (shrieking). Na-a-a-a-ow. Aw eawn't, aw toel yer. +Naow. Aw sy, look eah. Naow, naow, naow, naow, naow, NAOW!!! + +He is dragged away through the arch in a whirlwind of laughter, +protests and tears. + +LADY CICELY. I'm afraid he isn't used to it, poor fellow; but +REALLY it will do him good, Captain Brassbound. Now I must be off +to my patient. (She takes up her jar and goes out by the little +door, leaving Brassbound and Sir Howard alone together.) + +SIR HOWARD (rising). And now, Captain Brass-- + +BRASSBOUND (cutting him short with a fierce contempt that +astonishes him). I will attend to you presently. (Calling) +Johnson. Send me Johnson there. And Osman. (He pulls off his coat +and throws it on the table, standing at his ease in his blue +jersey.) + +SIR HOWARD (after a momentary flush of anger, with a controlled +force that compels Brassbound's attention in spite of himself). +You seem to be in a strong position with reference to these men +of yours. + +BRASSBOUND. I am in a strong position with reference to everyone +in this castle. + +SIR HOWARD (politely but threateningly). I have just been +noticing that you think so. I do not agree with you. Her +Majesty's Government, Captain Brassbound, has a strong arm and a +long arm. If anything disagreeable happens to me or to my +sister-in-law, that arm will be stretched out. If that happens +you will not be in a strong position. Excuse my reminding you of +it. + +BRASSBOUND (grimly). Much good may it do you! (Johnson comes in +through the arch.) Where is Osman, the Sheikh's messenger? I want +him too. + +JOHNSON. Coming, Captain. He had a prayer to finish. + +Osman, a tall, skinny, whiteclad, elderly Moor, appears in the +archway. + +BRASSBOUND. Osman Ali (Osman comes forward between Brassbound and +Johnson): you have seen this unbeliever (indicating Sir Howard) +come in with us? + +OSMAN. Yea, and the shameless one with the naked face, who +flattered my countenance and offered me her hand. + +JOHNSON. Yes; and you took it too, Johnny, didn't you? + +BRASSBOUND. Take horse, then; and ride fast to your master the +Sheikh Sidi el Assif + +OSMAN (proudly). Kinsman to the Prophet. + +BRASSBOUND. Tell him what you have seen here. That is all. +Johnson: give him a dollar; and note the hour of his going, that +his master may know how fast he rides. + +OSMAN. The believer's word shall prevail with Allah and his +servant Sidi el Assif. + +BRASSBOUND. Off with you. + +OSMAN. Make good thy master's word ere I go out from his +presence, O Johnson el Hull. + +JOHNSON. He wants the dollar. + +Brassbound gives Osman a coin. + +OSMAN (bowing). Allah will make hell easy for the friend of Sidi +el Assif and his servant. (He goes out through the arch.) + +BRASSBOUND (to Johnson). Keep the men out of this until the +Sheikh comes. I have business to talk over. When he does come, we +must keep together all: Sidi el Assif's natural instinct will be +to cut every Christian throat here. + +JOHNSON. We look to you, Captain, to square him, since you +invited him over. + +BRASSBOUND. You can depend on me; and you know it, I think. + +JOHNSON (phlegmatically). Yes: we know it. (He is going out when +Sir Howard speaks.) + +SIR HOWARD. You know also, Mr. Johnson, I hope, that you can +depend on ME. + +JOHNSON (turning). On YOU, sir? + +SIR HOWARD. Yes: on me. If my throat is cut, the Sultan of +Morocco may send Sidi's head with a hundred thousand dollars +blood-money to the Colonial Office; but it will not be enough to +save his kingdom--any more than it would saw your life, if your +Captain here did the same thing. + +JOHNSON (struck). Is that so, Captain? + +BRASSBOUND. I know the gentleman's value--better perhaps than he +knows it himself. I shall not lose sight of it. + +Johnson nods gravely, and is going out when Lady Cicely returns +softly by the little door and calls to him in a whisper. She has +taken off her travelling things and put on an apron. At her +chatelaine is a case of sewing materials. + +LADY CICELY. Mr. Johnson. (He turns.) I've got Marzo to sleep. +Would you mind asking the gentlemen not to make a noise under his +window in the courtyard. + +JOHNSON. Right, maam. (He goes out.) + +Lady Cicely sits down at the tiny table, and begins stitching at +a sling bandage for Marzo's arm. Brassbound walks up and down on +her right, muttering to himself so ominously that Sir Howard +quietly gets out of his way by crossing to the other side and +sitting down on the second saddle seat. + +SIR HOWARD. Are you yet able to attend to me for a moment, +Captain Brassbound? + +BRASSBOUND (still walking about). What do you want? + +SIR HOWARD. Well, I am afraid I want a little privacy, and, if +you will allow me to say so, a little civility. I am greatly +obliged to you for bringing us safely off to-day when we were +attacked. So far, you have carried out your contract. But since +we have been your guests here, your tone and that of the worst of +your men has changed--intentionally changed, I think. + +BRASSBOUND (stopping abruptly and flinging the announcement at +him). You are not my guest: you are my prisoner. + +SIR HOWARD. Prisoner! + +Lady Cicely, after a single glance up, continues stitching, +apparently quite unconcerned. + +BRASSBOUND. I warned you. You should have taken my warning. + +SIR HOWARD (immediately taking the tone of cold disgust for moral +delinquency). Am I to understand, then, that you are a brigand? +Is this a matter of ransom? + +BRASSBOUND (with unaccountable intensity). All the wealth of +England shall not ransom you. + +SIR HOWARD. Then what do you expect to gain by this? + +BRASSBOUND. Justice on a thief and a murderer. + +Lady Cicely lays down her work and looks up anxiously. + +SIR HOWARD (deeply outraged, rising with venerable dignity). Sir: +do you apply those terms to me? + +BRASSBOUND. I do. (He turns to Lady Cicely, and adds, pointing +contemptuously to Sir Howard) Look at him. You would not take +this virtuously indignant gentleman for the uncle of a brigand, +would you? + +Sir Howard starts. The shock is too much for him: he sits down +again, looking very old; and his hands tremble; but his eyes and +mouth are intrepid, resolute, and angry. + +LADY CICELY. Uncle! What do you mean? + +BRASSBOUND. Has he never told you about my mother? this fellow +who puts on ermine and scarlet and calls himself Justice. + +SIR HOWARD (almost voiceless). You are the son of that woman! + +BRASSBOUND (fiercely). "That woman!" (He makes a movement as if +to rush at Sir Howard.) + +LADY CICELY (rising quickly and putting her hand on his arm). +Take care. You mustn't strike an old man. + +BRASSBOUND (raging). He did not spare my mother--"that woman," he +calls her--because of her sex. I will not spare him because of +his age. (Lowering his tone to one of sullen vindictiveness) But +I am not going to strike him. (Lady Cicely releases him, and sits +down, much perplexed. Brassbound continues, with an evil glance +at Sir Howard) I shall do no more than justice. + +SIR HOWARD (recovering his voice and vigor). Justice! I think you +mean vengeance, disguised as justice by your passions. + +BRASSBOUND. To many and many a poor wretch in the dock YOU have +brought vengeance in that disguise--the vengeance of society, +disguised as justice by ITS passions. Now the justice you have +outraged meets you disguised as vengeance. How do you like it? + +SIR HOWARD. I shall meet it, I trust, as becomes an innocent man +and an upright judge. What do you charge against me? + +BRASSBOUND. I charge you with the death of my mother and the +theft of my inheritance. + +SIR HOWARD. As to your inheritance, sir, it was yours whenever +you came forward to claim it. Three minutes ago I did not know of +your existence. I affirm that most solemnly. I never knew--never +dreamt--that my brother Miles left a son. As to your mother, her +case was a hard one--perhaps the hardest that has come within +even my experience. I mentioned it, as such, to Mr. Rankin, the +missionary, the evening we met you. As to her death, you know-- +you MUST know--that she died in her native country, years after +our last meeting. Perhaps you were too young to know that she +could hardly have expected to live long. + +BRASSBOUND. You mean that she drank. + +SIR HOWARD. I did not say so. I do not think she was always +accountable for what she did. + +BRASSBOUND. Yes: she was mad too; and whether drink drove her to +madness or madness drove her to drink matters little. The +question is, who drove her to both? + +SIR HOWARD. I presume the dishonest agent who seized her estate +did. I repeat, it was a hard case--a frightful injustice. But it +could not be remedied. + +BRASSBOUND. You told her so. When she would not take that false +answer you drove her from your doors. When she exposed you in the +street and threatened to take with her own hands the redress the +law denied her, you had her imprisoned, and forced her to write +you an apology and leave the country to regain her liberty and +save herself from a lunatic asylum. And when she was gone, and +dead, and forgotten, you found for yourself the remedy you could +not find for her. You recovered the estate easily enough then, +robber and rascal that you are. Did he tell the missionary that, +Lady Cicely, eh? + +LADY CICELY (sympathetically). Poor woman! (To Sir Howard) +Couldn't you have helped her, Howard? + +SIR HOWARD. No. This man may be ignorant enough to suppose that +when I was a struggling barrister I could do everything I did +when I was Attorney General. You know better. There is some +excuse for his mother. She was an uneducated Brazilian, knowing +nothing of English society, and driven mad by injustice. + +BRASSBOUND. Your defence-- + +SIR HOWARD (interrupting him determinedly). I do not defend +myself. I call on you to obey the law. + +BRASSBOUND. I intend to do so. The law of the Atlas Mountains is +administered by the Sheikh Sidi el Assif. He will be here within +an hour. He is a judge like yourself. You can talk law to him. He +will give you both the law and the prophets. + +SIR HOWARD. Does he know what the power of England is? + +BRASSBOUND. He knows that the Mahdi killed my master Gordon, and +that the Mahdi died in his bed and went to paradise. + +SIR HOWARD. Then he knows also that England's vengeance was on +the Mahdi's track. + +BRASSBOUND. Ay, on the track of the railway from the Cape to +Cairo. Who are you, that a nation should go to war for you? If +you are missing, what will your newspapers say? A foolhardy +tourist. What will your learned friends at the bar say? That it +was time for you to make room for younger and better men. YOU a +national hero! You had better find a goldfield in the Atlas +Mountains. Then all the governments of Europe will rush to your +rescue. Until then, take care of yourself; for you are going to +see at last the hypocrisy in the sanctimonious speech of the +judge who is sentencing you, instead of the despair in the white +face of the wretch you are recommending to the mercy of your God. + +SIR HOWARD (deeply and personally offended by this slight to his +profession, and for the first time throwing away his assumed +dignity and rising to approach Brassbound with his fists +clenched; so that Lady Cicely lifts one eye from her work to +assure herself that the table is between them). I have no more to +say to you, sir. I am not afraid of you, nor of any bandit with +whom you may be in league. As to your property, it is ready for +you as soon as you come to your senses and claim it as your +father's heir. Commit a crime, and you will become an outlaw, and +not only lose the property, but shut the doors of civilization +against yourself for ever. + +BRASSBOUND. I will not sell my mother's revenge for ten +properties. + +LADY CICELY (placidly). Besides, really, Howard, as the property +now costs 150 pounds a year to keep up instead of bringing in +anything, I am afraid it would not be of much use to him. +(Brassbound stands amazed at this revelation.) + +SIR HOWARD (taken aback). I must say, Cicely, I think you might +have chosen a more suitable moment to mention that fact. + +BRASSBOUND (with disgust). Agh! Trickster! Lawyer! Even the price +you offer for your life is to be paid in false coin. (Calling) +Hallo there! Johnson! Redbrook! Some of you there! (To Sir +Howard) You ask for a little privacy: you shall have it. I will +not endure the company of such a fellow-- + +SIR HOWARD (very angry, and full of the crustiest pluck). You +insult me, sir. You are a rascal. You are a rascal. + +Johnson, Redbrook, and a few others come in through the arch. + +BRASSBOUND. Take this man away. + +JOHNSON. Where are we to put him? + +BRASSBOUND. Put him where you please so long as you can find him +when he is wanted. + +SIR HOWARD. You will be laid by the heels yet, my friend. + +REDBROOK (with cheerful tact). Tut tut, Sir Howard: what's the use +of talking back? Come along: we'll make you comfortable. + +Sir Howard goes out through the arch between Johnson and Redbrook, +muttering wrathfully. The rest, except Brassbound and Lady Cicely, +follow. + +Brassbound walks up and down the room, nursing his indignation. In +doing so he unconsciously enters upon an unequal contest with Lady +Cicely, who sits quietly stitching. It soon becomes clear that a +tranquil woman can go on sewing longer than an angry man can go on +fuming. Further, it begins to dawn on Brassbound's wrath-blurred +perception that Lady Cicely has at some unnoticed stage in the +proceedings finished Marzo's bandage, and is now stitching a coat. +He stops; glances at his shirtsleeves; finally realizes the +situation. + +BRASSBOUND. What are you doing there, madam? + +LADY CICELY. Mending your coat, Captain Brassbound. + +BRASSBOUND. I have no recollection of asking you to take that +trouble. + +LADY CICELY. No: I don't suppose you even knew it was torn. Some +men are BORN untidy. You cannot very well receive Sidi el--what's +his name?--with your sleeve half out. + +BRASSBOUND (disconcerted). I--I don't know how it got torn. + +LADY CICELY. You should not get virtuously indignant with people. +It bursts clothes more than anything else, Mr. Hallam. + +BRASSBOUND (flushing, quickly). I beg you will not call me Mr. +Hallam. I hate the name. + +LADY CICELY. Black Paquito is your pet name, isn't it? + +BRASSBOUND (huffily). I am not usually called so to my face. + +LADY CICELY (turning the coat a little). I'm so sorry. (She takes +another piece of thread and puts it into her needle, looking +placidly and reflectively upward meanwhile.) Do you know, You are +wonderfully like your uncle. + +BRASSBOUND. Damnation! + +LADY CICELY. Eh? + +BRASSBOUND. If I thought my veins contained a drop of his black +blood, I would drain them empty with my knife. I have no +relations. I had a mother: that was all. + +LADY CICELY (unconvinced) I daresay you have your mother's +complexion. But didn't you notice Sir Howard's temper, his +doggedness, his high spirit: above all, his belief in ruling +people by force, as you rule your men; and in revenge and +punishment, just as you want to revenge your mother? Didn't you +recognize yourself in that? + +BRASSBOUND (startled). Myself!--in that! + +LADY CECILY (returning to the tailoring question as if her last +remark were of no consequence whatever). Did this sleeve catch you +at all under the arm? Perhaps I had better make it a little easier +for you. + +BRASSBOUND (irritably). Let my coat alone. It will do very well as +it is. Put it down. + +LADY CICIELY. Oh, don't ask me to sit doing nothing. It bores me +so. + +BRASSBOUND. In Heaven's name then, do what you like! Only don't +worry me with it. + +LADY CICELY. I'm so sorry. All the Hallams are irritable. + +BRASSBOUND (penning up his fury with difficulty). As I have +already said, that remark has no application to me. + +LADY CICELY (resuming her stitching). That's so funny! They all +hate to be told that they are like one another. + +BRASSBOUND (with the beginnings of despair in his voice). Why did +you come here? My trap was laid for him, not for you. Do you know +the danger you are in? + +LADY CICELY. There's always a danger of something or other. Do you +think it's worth bothering about? + +BRASSBOUND (scolding her). Do I THINK! Do you think my coat's +worth mending? + +LADY CICELY (prosaically). Oh yes: it's not so far gone as that. + +BRASSBOUND. Have you any feeling? Or are you a fool? + +LADY CICELY. I'm afraid I'm a dreadful fool. But I can't help it. +I was made so, I suppose. + +BRASSBOUND. Perhaps you don't realize that your friend my good +uncle will be pretty fortunate if he is allowed to live out his +life as a slave with a set of chains on him? + +LADY CICELY. Oh, I don't know about that, Mr. H--I mean Captain +Brassbound. Men are always thinking that they are going to do +something grandly wicked to their enemies; but when it comes to +the point, really bad men are just as rare as really good ones. + +BRASSBOUND. You forget that I am like my uncle, according to you. +Have you any doubt as to the reality of HIS badness? + +LADY CICELY. Bless me! your uncle Howard is one of the most +harmless of men--much nicer than most professional people. Of +course he does dreadful things as a judge; but then if you take a +man and pay him 5,000 pounds a year to be wicked, and praise him +for it, and have policemen and courts and laws and juries to drive +him into it so that he can't help doing it, what can you expect? +Sir Howard's all right when he's left to himself. We caught a +burglar one night at Waynflete when he was staying with us; and I +insisted on his locking the poor man up until the police came, in +a room with a window opening on the lawn. The man came back next +day and said he must return to a life of crime unless I gave him a +job in the garden; and I did. It was much more sensible than +giving him ten years penal servitude: Howard admitted it. So you +see he's not a bit bad really. + +BRASSBOUND. He had a fellow feeling for a thief, knowing he was a +thief himself. Do you forget that he sent my mother to prison? + +LADY CICELY (softly). Were you very fond of your poor mother, and +always very good to her? + +BRASSBOUND (rather taken aback). I was not worse than other sons, +I suppose. + +LADY CICELY (opening her eyes very widely). Oh! Was THAT all? + +BRASSBOUND (exculpating himself, full of gloomy remembrances). You +don't understand. It was not always possible to be very tender +with my mother. She had unfortunatly a very violent temper; and +she--she-- + +LADY CICELY. Yes: so you told Howard. (With genuine pity for him) +You must have had a very unhappy childhood. + +BRASSBOUND (grimily). Hell. That was what my childhood was. Hell. + +LADY CICELY. Do you think she would really have killed Howard, as +she threatened, if he hadn't sent her to prison? + +BRASSBOUND (breaking out again, with a growing sense of being +morally trapped). What if she did? Why did he rob her? Why did he +not help her to get the estate, as he got it for himself +afterwards? + +LADY CICELY. He says he couldn't, you know. But perhaps the real +reason was that he didn't like her. You know, don't you, that if +you don't like people you think of all the reasons for not helping +them, and if you like them you think of all the opposite reasons. + +BRASSBOUND. But his duty as a brother! + +LADY CICELY. Are you going to do your duty as a nephew? + +BRASSBOUND. Don't quibble with me. I am going to do my duty as a +son; and you know it. + +LADY CICELY. But I should have thought that the time for that was +in your mother's lifetime, when you could have been kind and +forbearing with her. Hurting your uncle won't do her any good, you +know. + +BRASSBOUND. It will teach other scoundrels to respect widows and +orphans. Do you forget that there is such a thing as justice? + +LADY CICELY (gaily shaking out the finished coat). Oh, if you are +going to dress yourself in ermine and call yourself Justice, I +give you up. You are just your uncle over again; only he gets +œ5,000 a year for it, and you do it for nothing. + +(She holds the coat up to see whether any further repairs are +needed.) + +BRASSBOUND (sulkily). You twist my words very cleverly. But no man +or woman has ever changed me. + +LADY CICELY. Dear me! That must be very nice for the people you +deal with, because they can always depend on you; but isn't it +rather inconvenient for yourself when you change your mind? + +BRASSBOUND. I never change my mind. + +LADY CICELY (rising with the coat in her hands). Oh! Oh!! Nothing +will ever persuade me that you are as pigheaded as that. + +BRASSBOUND (offended). Pigheaded! + +LADY CICELY (with quick, caressing apology). No, no, no. I didn't +mean that. Firm! Unalterable! Resolute! Ironwilled! Stonewall +Jackson! That's the idea, isn't it? + +BRASSBOUND (hopelessly). You are laughing at me. + +LADY CICELY. No: trembling, I assure you. Now will you try this on +for me: I'm SO afraid I have made it too tight under the arm. (She +holds it behind him.) + +BRASSBOUND (obeying mechanically). You take me for a fool I think. +(He misses the sleeve.) + +LADY CICELY. No: all men look foolish when they are feeling for +their sleeves. + +BRASSBOUND. Agh! (He turns and snatches the coat from her; then +puts it on himself and buttons the lowest button.) + +LADY CICELY (horrified). Stop. No. You must NEVER pull a coat at +the skirts, Captain Brassbound: it spoils the sit of it. Allow me. +(She pulls the lappels of his coat vigorously forward) Put back +your shoulders. (He frowns, but obeys.) That's better. (She +buttons the top button.) Now button the rest from the top down. +DOES it catch you at all under the arm? + +BRASSBOUND (miserably--all resistance beaten out of him). No. + +LADY CICELY. That's right. Now before I go back to poor Marzo, say +thank you to me for mending your jacket, like a nice polite +sailor. + +BRASSBOUND (sitting down at the table in great agitation). Damn +you! you have belittled my whole life to me. (He bows his head on +his hands, convulsed.) + +LADY CICELY (quite understanding, and putting her hand kindly on +his shoulder). Oh no. I am sure you have done lots of kind things +and brave things, if you could only recollect them. With Gordon +for instance? Nobody can belittle that. + +He looks up at her for a moment; then kisses her hand. She presses +his and turns away with her eyes so wet that she sees Drinkwater, +coming in through the arch just then, with a prismatic halo round +him. Even when she sees him clearly, she hardly recognizes him; +for he is ludicrously clean and smoothly brushed; and his hair, +formerly mud color, is now a lively red. + +DRINKWATER. Look eah, kepn. (Brassbound springs up and recovers +himself quickly.) Eahs the bloomin Shike jest appeahd on the +orawzn wiv abaht fifty men. Thy'll be eah insawd o ten minnits, +they will. + +LADY CICELY. The Sheikh! + +BRASSBOUND. Sidi el Assif and fifty men! (To Lady Cicely) You were +too late: I gave you up my vengeance when it was no longer in my +hand. (To Drinkwater) Call all hands to stand by and shut the +gates. Then all here to me for orders; and bring the prisoner. + +DRINKWATER. Rawt, kepn. (He runs out.) + +LADY CICELY. Is there really any danger for Howard? + +BRASSBOUND. Yes. Danger for all of us unless I keep to my bargain +with this fanatic. + +LADY CICELY. What bargain? + +BRASSBOUND. I pay him so much a head for every party I escort +through to the interior. In return he protects me and lets my +caravans alone. But I have sworn an oath to him to take only Jews +and true believers--no Christians, you understand. + +LADY CICELY. Then why did you take us? + +BRASSBOUND. I took my uncle on purpose--and sent word to Sidi that +he was here. + +LADY CICELY. Well, that's a pretty kettle of fish, isn't it? + +BRASSBOUND. I will do what I can to save him--and you. But I fear +my repentance has come too late, as repentance usually does. + +LADY CICELY (cheerfully). Well, I must go and look after Marzo, at +all events. (She goes out through the little door. Johnson, +Redbrook and the rest come in through the arch, with Sir Howard, +still very crusty and determined. He keeps close to Johnson, who +comes to Brassbound's right, Redbrook taking the other side.) + +BRASSBOUND. Where's Drinkwater? + +JOHNSON. On the lookout. Look here, Capn: we don't half like this +job. The gentleman has been talking to us a bit; and we think that +he IS a gentleman, and talks straight sense. + +REDBROOK. Righto, Brother Johnson. (To Brassbound) Won't do, +governor. Not good enough. + +BRASSBOUND (fiercely). Mutiny, eh? + +REDBROOK. Not at all, governor. Don't talk Tommy rot with Brother +Sidi only five minutes gallop off. Can't hand over an Englishman +to a nigger to have his throat cut + +BRASSBOUND (unexpectedly acquiescing). Very good. You know, I +suppose, that if you break my bargain with Sidi, you'll have to +defend this place and fight for your lives in five minutes. That +can't be done without discipline: you know that too. I'll take my +part with the rest under whatever leader you are willing to obey. +So choose your captain and look sharp about it. (Murmurs of +surprise and discontent.) + +VOICES. No, no. Brassbound must command. + +BRASSBOUND. You're wasting your five minutes. Try Johnson. + +JOHNSON. No. I haven't the head for it. + +BRASSBOUND. Well, Redbrook. + +REDBROOK. Not this Johnny, thank you. Haven't character enough. + +BRASSBOUND. Well, there's Sir Howard Hallam for You! HE has +character enough. + +A VOICE. He's too old. + +ALL. No, no. Brassbound, Brassbound. + +JOHNSON. There's nobody but you, Captain. + +REDRROOK. The mutiny's over, governor. You win, hands down. + +BRASSBOUND (turning on them). Now listen, you, all of you. If I am +to command here, I am going to do what I like, not what you like. +I'll give this gentleman here to Sidi or to the devil if I choose. +I'll not be intimidated or talked back to. Is that understood? + +REDBROOK (diplomatically). He's offered a present of five hundred +quid if he gets safe back to Mogador, governor. Excuse my +mentioning it. + +SIR HOWARD. Myself AND Lady Cicely. + +BRASSBOUND. What! A judge compound a felony! You greenhorns, he is +more likely to send you all to penal servitude if you are fools +enough to give him the chance. + +VOICES. So he would. Whew! (Murmurs of conviction.) + +REDBROOK. Righto, governor. That's the ace of trumps. + +BRASSBOUND (to Sir Howard). Now, have you any other card to play? +Any other bribe? Any other threat? Quick. Time presses. + +SIR HOWARD. My life is in the hands of Providence. Do your worst. + +BRASSBOUND. Or my best. I still have that choice. + +DRINKWATER (running in). Look eah, kepn. Eah's anather lot cammin +from the sahth heast. Hunnerds of em, this tawm. The owl dezzit is +lawk a bloomin Awd Pawk demonstrition. Aw blieve it's the Kidy +from Kintorfy. (General alarm. All look to Brassbound.) + +BRASSBOUND (eagerly). The Cadi! How far off? + +DRINKWATER. Matter o two mawl. + +BRASSBOUND. We're saved. Open the gates to the Sheikh. + +DRINKWATER (appalled, almost in tears). Naow, naow. Lissn, kepn +(Pointing to Sir Howard): e'll give huz fawv unnerd red uns. (To +the others) Ynt yer spowk to im, Miste Jornsn--Miste Redbrook-- + +BRASSBOUND (cutting him short). Now then, do you understand plain +English? Johnson and Redbrook: take what men you want and open the +gates to the Sheikh. Let him come straight to me. Look alive, will +you. + +JOHNSON. Ay ay, sir. + +REDBROOK. Righto, governor. + +They hurry out, with a few others. Drinkwater stares after them, +dumbfounded by their obedience. + +BRASSBOUND (taking out a pistol). You wanted to sell me to my +prisoner, did you, you dog. + +DRINKWATER (falling on his knees with a yell). Naow! (Brassbound +turns on him as if to kick him. He scrambles away and takes refuge +behind Sir Howard.) + +BRASSBOUND. Sir Howard Hallam: you have one chance left. The Cadi +of Kintafi stands superior to the Sheikh as the responsible +governor of the whole province. It is the Cadi who will be +sacrificed by the Sultan if England demands satisfaction for any +injury to you. If we can hold the Sheikh in parley until the Cadi +arrives, you may frighten the Cadi into forcing the Sheikh to +release you. The Cadi's coming is a lucky chance for YOU. + +SIR HOWARD. If it were a real chance, you would not tell me of it. +Don't try to play cat and mouse with me, man. + +DRINKWATER (aside to Sir Howard, as Brassbound turns +contemptuously away to the other side of the room). It ynt mach of +a chawnst, Sr Ahrd. But if there was a ganbowt in Mogador Awbr, +awd put a bit on it, aw would. + +Johnson, Redbrook, and the others return, rather mistrustfully +ushering in Sidi el Assif, attended by Osman and a troop of Arabs. +Brassbound's men keep together on the archway side, backing their +captain. Sidi's followers cross the room behind the table and +assemble near Sir Howard, who stands his ground. Drinkwater runs +across to Brassbound and stands at his elbow as he turns to face +Sidi. + +Sidi el Aasif, clad in spotless white, is a nobly handsome Arab, +hardly thirty, with fine eyes, bronzed complexion, and +instinctively dignified carriage. He places himself between the +two groups, with Osman in attendance at his right hand. + +OSMAN (pointing out Sir Howard). This is the infidel Cadi. (Sir +Howard bows to Sidi, but, being an infidel, receives only the +haughtiest stare in acknowledgement.) This (pointing to +Brassbound) is Brassbound the Franguestani captain, the servant of +Sidi. + +DRINKWATER (not to be outdone, points out the Sheikh and Osman to +Brassbound). This eah is the Commawnder of the Fythful an is +Vizzeer Rosman. + +SIDI. Where is the woman? + +OSMAN. The shameless one is not here. + +BRASSBOUND. Sidi el Assif, kinsman of the Prophet: you are +welcome. + +REDBROOK (with much aplomb). There is no majesty and no might save +in Allah, the Glorious, the Great! + +DRINKWATER. Eah, eah! + +OSMAN (to Sidi). The servant of the captain makes his profession +of faith as a true believer. + +SIDI. It is well. + +BRASSBOUND (aside to Redbrook). Where did you pick that up? + +REDRROOK (aside to Brassbound). Captain Burton's Arabian Nights-- +copy in the library of the National Liberal Club. + +LADY CICELY (calling without). Mr. Drinkwater. Come and help me +with Marzo. (The Sheikh pricks up his ears. His nostrils and eyes +expand.) + +OSMAN. The shameless one! + +BRASSBOUND (to Drinkwater, seizing him by the collar and slinging +him towards the door). Off with you. + +Drinkwater goes out through the little door. + +OSMAN. Shall we hide her face before she enters? + +SIDI. NO. + +Lady Cicely, who has resumed her travelling equipment, and has her +hat slung across her arm, comes through the little door supporting +Marzo, who is very white, but able to get about. Drinkwater has +his other arm. Redbrook hastens to relieve Lady Cicely of Marzo, +taking him into the group behind Brassbound. Lady Cicely comes +forward between Brassbound and the Sheikh, to whom she turns +affably. + +LADY CICELY (proffering her hand). Sidi el Assif, isn't it? How +dye do? (He recoils, blushing somewhat.) + +OSMAN (scandalized). Woman; touch not the kinsman of the Prophet. + +LADY CICELY. Oh, I see. I'm being presented at court. Very good. +(She makes a presentation curtsey.) + +REDBROOK. Sidi el Assif: this is one of the mighty women Sheikhs +of Franguestan. She goes unveiled among Kings; and only princes +may touch her hand. + +LADY CICELY. Allah upon thee, Sidi el Assif! Be a good little +Sheikh, and shake hands. + +SIDI (timidly touching her hand). Now this is a wonderful thing, +and worthy to be chronicled with the story of Solomon and the +Queen of Sheba. Is it not so, Osman Ali? + +OSMAN. Allah upon thee, master! it is so. + +SIDI. Brassbound Ali: the oath of a just man fulfils itself +without many words. The infidel Cadi, thy captive, falls to my +share. + +BRASSBOUND (firmly). It cannot be, Sidi el Assif. (Sidi's brows +contract gravely.) The price of his blood will be required of our +lord the Sultan. I will take him to Morocco and deliver him up +there. + +SIDI (impressively). Brassbound: I am in mine own house and amid +mine own people. I am the Sultan here. Consider what you say; for +when my word goes forth for life or death, it may not be recalled. + +BRASSBOUND. Sidi el Assif: I will buy the man from you at what +price you choose to name; and if I do not pay faithfully, you +shall take my head for his. + +SIDI. It is well. You shall keep the man, and give me the woman in +payment. + +SIR HOWARD AND BRASSBOUND (with the same impulse). No, no. + +LADY CICELY (eagerly). Yes, yes. Certainly, Mr. Sidi. Certainly. + +Sidi smiles gravely. + +SIR HOWARD. Impossible. + +BRASSBOUND. You don't know what you're doing. + +LADY CICELY. Oh, don't I? I've not crossed Africa and stayed with +six cannibal chiefs for nothing. (To the Sheikh) It's all right, +Mr. Sidi: I shall be delighted. + +SIR HOWARD. You are mad. Do you suppose this man will treat you as +a European gentleman would? + +LADY CICELY. No: he'll treat me like one of Nature's gentlemen: +look at his perfectly splendid face! (Addressing Osman as if he +were her oldest and most attached retainer.) Osman: be sure you +choose me a good horse; and get a nice strong camel for my +luggage. + +Osman, after a moment of stupefaction, hurries out. Lady Cicely +puts on her hat and pins it to her hair, the Sheikh gazing at her +during the process with timid admiration. + +DRINKWATER (chuckling). She'll mawch em all to church next Sunder +lawk a bloomin lot o' cherrity kids: you see if she doesn't. + +LADY CICELY (busily). Goodbye, Howard: don't be anxious about me; +and above all, don't bring a parcel of men with guns to rescue me. +I shall be all right now that I am getting away from the escort. +Captain Brassbound: I rely on you to see that Sir Howard gets safe +to Mogador. (Whispering) Take your hand off that pistol. (He takes +his hand out of his pocket, reluctantly.) Goodbye. + +A tumult without. They all turn apprehensively to the arch. Osman +rushes in. + +OSMAN. The Cadi, the Cadi. He is in anger. His men are upon us. +Defend-- + +The Cadi, a vigorous, fatfeatured, choleric, whitehaired and +bearded elder, rushes in, cudgel in hand, with an overwhelming +retinue, and silences Osman with a sounding thwack. In a moment +the back of the room is crowded with his followers. The Sheikh +retreats a little towards his men; and the Cadi comes impetuously +forward between him and Lady Cicely. + +THE CADI. Now woe upon thee, Sidi el Assif, thou child of +mischief! + +SIDI (sternly). Am I a dog, Muley Othman, that thou speakest thus +to me? + +THE CADI. Wilt thou destroy thy country, and give us all into the +hands of them that set the sea on fire but yesterday with their +ships of war? Where are the Franguestani captives? + +LADY CICELY. Here we are, Cadi. How dye do? + +THE CADI. Allah upon thee, thou moon at the full! Where is thy +kinsman, the Cadi of Franguestan? I am his friend, his servant. I +come on behalf of my master the Sultan to do him honor, and to +cast down his enemies. + +SIR HOWARD. You are very good, I am sure. + +SIDI (graver than ever). Muley Othman-- + +TAE CADI (fumbling in his breast). Peace, peace, thou +inconsiderate one. (He takes out a letter.) + +BRASSBOUND. Cadi-- + +THE CADI. Oh thou dog, thou, thou accursed Brassbound, son of a +wanton: it is thou hast led Sidi el Assif into this wrongdoing. +Read this writing that thou hast brought upon me from the +commander of the warship. + +BRASSBOUND. Warship! (He takes the letter and opens it, his men +whispering to one another very low-spiritedly meanwhile.) + +REDBROOK. Warship! Whew! + +JOHNSON. Gunboat, praps. + +DRINKWATER. Lawk bloomin Worterleoo buses, they are, on this +cowst. + +Brassbound folds up the letter, looking glum. + +SIR HOWARD (sharply). Well, sir, are we not to have the benefit of +that letter? Your men are waiting to hear it, I think. + +BRASSBOUND. It is not a British ship. (Sir Howard's face falls.) + +LADY CICELY. What is it, then? + +RASSBOUND. An American cruiser. The Santiago. + +THE CADI (tearing his beard). Woe! alas! it is where they set the +sea on fire. + +SIDI. Peace, Muley Othman: Allah is still above us. + +JOHNSON. Would you mind readin it to us, capn? + +BRASSBOUND (grimly). Oh, I'll read it to you. "Mogador Harbor. 26 +Sept. 1899. Captain Hamlin Kearney, of the cruiser Santiago, +presents the compliments of the United States to the Cadi Muley +Othman el Kintafi, and announces that he is coming to look for the +two British travellers Sir Howard Hallam and Lady Cicely +Waynflete, in the Cadi's jurisdiction. As the search will be +conducted with machine guns, the prompt return of the travellers +to Mogador Harbor will save much trouble to all parties." + +THE CADI. As I live, O Cadi, and thou, moon of loveliness, ye +shall be led back to Mogador with honor. And thou, accursed +Brassbound, shall go thither a prisoner in chains, thou and thy +people. (Brassbound and his men make a movement to defend +themselves.) Seize them. + +LADY CICELY. Oh, please don't fight. (Brassbound, seeing that his +men are hopelessly outnumbered, makes no resistance. They are made +prisoners by the Cadi's followers.) + +SIDI (attempting to draw his scimitar). The woman is mine: I will +not forego her. (He is seized and overpowered after a Homeric +struggle.) + +SIR HOWARD (drily). I told you you were not in a strong position, +Captain Brassbound. (Looking implacably at him.) You are laid by +the heels, my friend, as I said you would be. + +LADY CICELY. But I assure you-- + +BRASSBOUND (interrupting her). What have you to assure him of? You +persuaded me to spare him. Look at his face. Will you be able to +persuade him to spare me? + + + +ACT III + +Torrid forenoon filtered through small Moorish windows high up in +the adobe walls of the largest room in Leslie Rankin's house. A +clean cool room, with the table (a Christian article) set in the +middle, a presidentially elbowed chair behind it, and an inkstand +and paper ready for the sitter. A couple of cheap American chairs +right and left of the table, facing the same way as the +presidential chair, give a judicial aspect to the arrangement. +Rankin is placing a little tray with a jug and some glasses near +the inkstand when Lady Cicely's voice is heard at the door, which +is behind him in the corner to his right. + +LADE CICELY. Good morning. May I come in? + +RANKIN. Certainly. (She comes in, to the nearest end of the table. +She has discarded all travelling equipment, and is dressed exactly +as she might be in Surrey on a very hot day.) Sit ye doon, Leddy +Ceecily. + +LADY CICELY (sitting down). How nice you've made the room for the +inquiry! + +RANKIN (doubtfully). I could wish there were more chairs. Yon +American captain will preside in this; and that leaves but one for +Sir Howrrd and one for your leddyship. I could almost be tempted +to call it a maircy that your friend that owns the yacht has +sprained his ankle and cannot come. I misdoubt me it will not look +judeecial to have Captain Kearney's officers squatting on the +floor. + +LADY CICELY. Oh, they won't mind. What about the prisoners? + +RANKIN. They are to be broat here from the town gaol presently. + +LADY CICELY. And where is that silly old Cadi, and my handsome +Sheikh Sidi? I must see them before the inquiry,or they'll give +Captain Kearney quite a false impression of what happened. + +RANKIN. But ye cannot see them. They decamped last night, back to +their castles in the Atlas. + +LADY CICELY (delighted). No! + +RANKIN. Indeed and they did. The poor Cadi is so terrified by all +he has haird of the destruction of the Spanish fleet, that he +daren't trust himself in the captain's hands. (Looking +reproachfully at her) On your journey back here, ye seem to have +frightened the poor man yourself, Leddy Ceecily, by talking to him +about the fanatical Chreestianity of the Americans. Ye have +largely yourself to thank if he's gone. + +LADY CICELY. Allah be praised! WHAT a weight off our minds, Mr. +Rankin! + +RANKIN (puzzled). And why? Do ye not understand how necessary +their evidence is? + +LADY CICELY. THEIR evidence! It would spoil everything. They would +perjure themselves out of pure spite against poor Captain +Brassbound. + +RANKIN (amazed). Do ye call him POOR Captain Brassbound! Does not +your leddyship know that this Brasshound is--Heaven forgive me for +judging him!--a precious scoundrel? Did ye not hear what Sir +Howrrd told me on the yacht last night? + +LADY CICELY. All a mistake, Mr. Rankin: all a mistake, I assure +you. You said just now, Heaven forgive you for judging him! Well, +that's just what the whole quarrel is about. Captain Brassbound is +just like you: he thinks we have no right to judge one another; +and its Sir Howard gets œ5,000 a year for doing nothing else but +judging people, he thinks poor Captain Brassbound a regular +Anarchist. They quarreled dreadfully at the castle. You mustn't +mind what Sir Howard says about him: you really mustn't. + +RANKIN. But his conduct-- + +LADY CICELY. Perfectly saintly, Mr. Rankin. Worthy of yourself in +your best moments. He forgave Sir Howard, and did all he could to +save him. + +RANKIN. Ye astoanish me, Leddy Ceecily. + +LADY CICELY. And think of the temptation to behave badly when he +had us all there helpless! + +RANKIN. The temptation! ay: that's true. Ye're ower bonny to be +cast away among a parcel o lone, lawless men, my leddy. + +LADY CICELY (naively). Bless me, that's quite true; and I never +thought of it! Oh, after that you really must do all you can to +help Captain Brassbound. + +RANKIN (reservedly). No: I cannot say that, Leddy Ceecily. I doubt +he has imposed on your good nature and sweet disposeetion. I had a +crack with the Cadi as well as with Sir Howrrd;and there is little +question in my mind but that Captain Brassbound is no better than +a breegand. + +LADY CICELY (apparently deeply impressed). I wonder whether he can +be, Mr. Rankin. If you think so, that's heavily against him in my +opinion, because you have more knowledge of men than anyone else +here. Perhaps I'm mistaken. I only thought you might like to help +him as the son of your old friend. + +RANKIN (startled). The son of my old friend! What d'ye mean? + +LADY CICELY. Oh! Didn't Sir Howard tell you that? Why, Captain +Brassbound turns out to be Sir Howard's nephew, the son of the +brother you knew. + +RANKIN (overwhelmed). I saw the likeness the night he came here! +It's true: it's true. Uncle and nephew! + +LADY CICELY. Yes: that's why they quarrelled so. + +RANKIN (with a momentary sense of ill usage). I think Sir Howrrd +might have told me that. + +LADY CICELY. Of course he OUGHT to have told you. You see he only +tells one side of the story. That comes from his training as a +barrister. You mustn't think he's naturally deceitful: if he'd +been brought up as a clergyman, he'd have told you the whole truth +as a matter of course. + +RANKIN (too much perturbed to dwell on his grievance). Leddy +Ceecily: I must go to the prison and see the lad. He may have been +a bit wild; but I can't leave poor Miles's son unbefriended in a +foreign gaol. + +LADY CICELY (rising, radiant). Oh, how good of you! You have a +real kind heart of gold, Mr. Rankin. Now, before you go, shall we +just put our heads together, and consider how to give Miles's son +every chance--I mean of course every chance that he ought to have. + +RANKIN (rather addled). I am so confused by this astoanishing +news-- + +LADY CICELY. Yes, yes: of course you are. But don't you think he +would make a better impression on the American captain if he were +a little more respectably dressed? + +RANKIN. Mebbe. But how can that be remedied here in Mogador? + +LADY CICELY. Oh, I've thought of that. You know I'm going back to +England by way of Rome, Mr. Rankin; and I'm bringing a portmanteau +full of clothes for my brother there: he's ambassador, you know, +and has to be VERY particular as to what he wears. I had the +portmanteau brought here this morning. Now WOULD you mind taking +it to the prison, and smartening up Captain Brassbound a little. +Tell him he ought to do it to show his respect for me; and he +will. It will be quite easy: there are two Krooboys waiting to +carry the portmanteau. You will: I know you will. (She edges him +to the door.) And do you think there is time to get him shaved? + +RANKIN (succumbing, half bewildered). I'll do my best. + +LADY CICELY. I know you will. (As he is going out) Oh! one word, +Mr. Rankin. (He comes back.) The Cadi didn't know that Captain +Brassbound was Sir Howard's nephew, did he? + +RANKIN. No. + +LADY CICELY. Then he must have misunderstood everything quite +dreadfully. I'm afraid, Mr. Rankin--though you know best, of +course--that we are bound not to repeat anything at the inquiry +that the Cadi said. He didn't know, you see. + +RANKIN (cannily). I take your point, Leddy Ceecily. It alters the +case. I shall certainly make no allusion to it. + +LADY CICELY (magnanimously). Well, then, I won't either. There! +They shake hands on it. Sir Howard comes in. + +SIR HOWARD. Good morning Mr. Rankin. I hope you got home safely +from the yacht last night. + +RANKIN. Quite safe, thank ye, Sir Howrrd. + +LADY CICELY. Howard, he's in a hurry. Don't make him stop to talk. + +SIR HOWARD. Very good, very good. (He comes to the table and takes +Lady Cicely's chair.) + +RANKIN. Oo revoir, Leddy Ceecily. + +LADY CICELY. Bless you, Mr. Rankin. (Rankin goes out. She comes to +the other end of the table, looking at Sir Howard with a troubled, +sorrowfully sympathetic air, but unconsciously making her right +hand stalk about the table on the tips of its fingers in a +tentative stealthy way which would put Sir Howard on his guard if +he were in a suspicious frame of mind, which, as it happens, he is +not.) I'm so sorry for you, Howard, about this unfortunate +inquiry. + +SIR HOWARD (swinging round on his chair, astonished). Sorry for +ME! Why? + +LADY CICELY. It will look so dreadful. Your own nephew, you know. + +SIR HOWARD. Cicely: an English judge has no nephews, no sons even, +when he has to carry out the law. + +LADY CICELY. But then he oughtn't to have any property either. +People will never understand about the West Indian Estate. They'll +think you're the wicked uncle out of the Babes in the Wood. (With +a fresh gush of compassion) I'm so SO sorry for you. + +SIR HOWARD (rather stiffly). I really do not see how I need your +commiseration, Cicely. The woman was an impossible person, half +mad, half drunk. Do you understand what such a creature is when +she has a grievance, and imagines some innocent person to be the +author of it? + +LADY CICELY (with a touch of impatience). Oh, quite. THAT'll be +made clear enough. I can see it all in the papers already: our +half mad, half drunk sister-in-law, making scenes with you in the +street, with the police called in, and prison and all the rest of +it. The family will be furious. (Sir Howard quails. She instantly +follows up her advantage with) Think of papa! + +SIR HOWARD. I shall expect Lord Waynflete to look at the matter as +a reasonable man. + +LADY CICELY. Do you think he's so greatly changed as that, Howard? + +SIR HOWARD (falling back on the fatalism of the depersonalized +public man). My dear Cicely: there is no use discussing the +matter. It cannot be helped, however disagreeable it may be. + +LADY CICELY. Of course not. That's what's so dreadful. Do you +think people will understand? + +SIR HOWARD. I really cannot say. Whether they do or not, I cannot +help it. + +LADY CICELY. If you were anybody but a judge, it wouldn't matter +so much. But a judge mustn't even be misunderstood. (Despairingly) +Oh, it's dreadful, Howard: it's terrible! What would poor Mary say +if she were alive now? + +SIR HOWARD (with emotion). I don't think, Cicely, that my dear +wife would misunderstand me. + +LADY CICELY. No: SHE'D know you mean well. And when you came home +and said, "Mary: I've just told all the world that your +sister-in-law was a police court criminal, and that I sent her to +prison; and your nephew is a brigand, and I'm sending HIM to +prison" she'd have thought it must be all right because you did +it. But you don't think she would have LIKED it, any more than +papa and the rest of us, do you? + +SIR HOWARD (appalled). But what am I to do? Do you ask me to +compound a felony? + +LADY CICELY (sternly). Certainly not. I would not allow such a +thing, even if you were wicked enough to attempt it. No. What I +say is, that you ought not to tell the story yourself + +SIR HOWARD. Why? + +LADY CICELY. Because everybody would say you are such a clever +lawyer you could make a poor simple sailor like Captain Kearney +believe anything. The proper thing for you to do, Howard, is to +let ME tell the exact truth. Then you can simply say that you are +bound to confirm me. Nobody can blame you for that. + +SIR HOWARD (looking suspiciously at her). Cicely: you are up to +some devilment. + +LADY CICELY (promptly washing her hands of his interests). Oh, +very well. Tell the story yourself, in your own clever way. I only +proposed to tell the exact truth. You call that devilment. So it +is, I daresay, from a lawyer's point of view. + +SIR HOWARD. I hope you're not offended. + +LADY CICELY (with the utmost goodhumor). My dear Howard, not a +bit. Of course you're right: you know how these things ought to be +done. I'll do exactly what you tell me, and confirm everything you +say. + +SIR HOWARD (alarmed by the completeness of his victory). Oh, my +dear, you mustn't act in MY interest. You must give your evidence +with absolute impartiality. (She nods, as if thoroughly impressed +and reproved, and gazes at him with the steadfast candor peculiar +to liars who read novels. His eyes turn to the ground; and his +brow clouds perplexedly. He rises; rubs his chin nervously with +his forefinger; and adds) I think, perhaps, on reflection, that +there is something to be said for your proposal to relieve me of +the very painful duty of telling what has occurred. + +LADI CICELY (holding off). But you'd do it so very much better. + +SIR HOWARD. For that very reason, perhaps, it had better come from +you. + +LADY CICELY (reluctantly). Well, if you'd rather. + +SIR HOWARD. But mind, Cicely, the exact truth. + +LADY CICELY (with conviction). The exact truth. (They shake hands +on it.) + +SIR HOWARD (holding her hand). Fiat justitia: ruat coelum! + +LADY CICELY. Let Justice be done, though the ceiling fall. + +An American bluejacket appears at the door. + +BLUEJACKET. Captain Kearney's cawmpliments to Lady Waynflete; and +may he come in? + +LADY CICELY. Yes. By all means. Where are the prisoners? + +BLUEJACKET. Party gawn to the jail to fetch em, marm. + +LADY CICELY. Thank you. I should like to be told when they are +coming, if I might. + +BLUEJACKET. You shall so, marm. (He stands aside, saluting, to +admit his captain, and goes out.) + +Captain Hamlin Kearney is a robustly built western American, with +the keen, squeezed, wind beaten eyes and obstinately enduring +mouth of his profession. A curious ethnological specimen, with all +the nations of the old world at war in his veins, he is developing +artificially in the direction of sleekness and culture under the +restraints of an overwhelming dread of European criticism, and +climatically in the direction of the indiginous North American, +who is already in possession of his hair, his cheekbones, and the +manlier instincts in him, which the sea has rescued from +civilization. The world, pondering on the great part of its own +future which is in his hands, contemplates him with wonder as to +what the devil he will evolve into in another century or two. +Meanwhile he presents himself to Lady Cicely as a blunt sailor who +has something to say to her concerning her conduct which he wishes +to put politely, as becomes an officer addressing a lady, but also +with an emphatically implied rebuke, as an American addressing an +English person who has taken a liberty. + +LADY CICELY (as he enters). So glad you've come, Captain Kearney. + +KEARNEY (coming between Sir Howard and Lady Cicely). When we +parted yesterday ahfternoon, Lady Waynflete, I was unaware that in +the course of your visit to my ship you had entirely altered the +sleeping arrangements of my stokers. I thahnk you. As captain of +the ship, I am customairily cawnsulted before the orders of +English visitors are carried out; but as your alterations appear +to cawndooce to the comfort of the men, I have not interfered with +them. + +LADY CICELY. How clever of you to find out! I believe you know +every bolt in that ship. + +Kearney softens perceptibly. + +SIR HOWARD. I am really very sorry that my sister-in-law has taken +so serious a liberty, Captain Kearney. It is a mania of hers-- +simply a mania. Why did your men pay any attention to her? + +KEARNEY (with gravely dissembled humor). Well, I ahsked that +question too. I said, Why did you obey that lady's orders instead +of waiting for mine? They said they didn't see exactly how they +could refuse. I ahsked whether they cawnsidered that discipline. +They said, Well, sir, will you talk to the lady yourself next +time? + +LADY CICELY. I'm so sorry. But you know, Captain, the one thing +that one misses on board a man-of-war is a woman. + +KEARNEY. We often feel that deprivation verry keenly, Lady +Waynflete. + +LADY CICELY. My uncle is first Lord of the Admiralty; and I am +always telling him what a scandal it is that an English captain +should be forbidden to take his wife on board to look after the +ship. + +KEARNEY. Stranger still, Lady Waynflete, he is not forbidden to +take any other lady. Yours is an extraordinairy country--to an +Amerrican. + +LADY CICELY. But it's most serious, Captain. The poor men go +melancholy mad, and ram each other's ships and do all sorts of +things. + +SIR HOWARD. Cicely: I beg you will not talk nonsense to Captain +Kearney. Your ideas on some subjects are really hardly decorous. + +LADY CICELY (to Kearney). That's what English people are like, +Captain Kearney. They won't hear of anything concerning you poor +sailors except Nelson and Trafalgar. YOU understand me, don't you? + +KEARNEY (gallantly). I cawnsider that you have more sense in your +wedding ring finger than the British Ahdmiralty has in its whole +cawnstitootion, Lady Waynflete. + +LADY CICELY. Of course I have. Sailors always understand things. + +The bluejacket reappears. + +BLUEJACKET (to Lady Cicely). Prisoners coming up the hill, marm. + +KEARNEY (turning sharply on him). Who sent you in to say that? + +BLUEJACKET (calmly). British lady's orders, sir. (Hs goes out, +unruffled, leaving Kearney dumbfounded.) + +SIR HOWARD (contemplating Kearney's expression with dismay). I am +really very sorry, Captain Kearney. I am quite aware that Lady +Cicely has no right whatever to give orders to your men. + +LADY CICELY. I didn't give orders: I just asked him. He has such a +nice face! Don't you think so, Captain Kearney? (He gasps, +speechless.) And now will you excuse me a moment. I want to speak +to somebody before the inquiry begins. (She hurries out.) + +KEARNEY. There is sertnly a wonderful chahrn about the British +aristocracy, Sir Howard Hallam. Are they all like that? (He takes +the presidential chair.) + +SIR HOWARD (resuming his seat on Kearney's right). Fortunately +not, Captain Kearney. Half a dozen such women would make an end of +law in England in six months. + +The bluejacket comes to the door again. + +BLUEJACKET. All ready, sir. + +KEARNEY. Verry good. I'm waiting. + +The bluejacket turns and intimates this to those without. + +The officers of the Santiago enter. + +SIR HOWARD (rising and bobbing to them in a judicial manner). Good +morning, gentlemen. + +They acknowledge the greeting rather shyly, bowing or touching +their caps, and stand in a group behind Kearney. + +KEARNEY (to Sir Howard). You will be glahd to hear that I have a +verry good account of one of our prisoners from our chahplain, who +visited them in the gaol. He has expressed a wish to be cawnverted +to Episcopalianism. + +SIR HOWARD (drily). Yes, I think I know him. + +KEARNEY. Bring in the prisoners. + +BLUEJACKET (at the door). They are engaged with the British lady, +sir. Shall I ask her-- + +KEARNEY (jumping up and exploding in storm piercing tones). Bring +in the prisoners. Tell the lady those are my orders. Do you hear? +Tell her so. (The bluejacket goes out dubiously. The officers look +at one another in mute comment on the unaccountable pepperiness of +their commander.) + +SIR HOWARD (suavely). Mr. Rankin will be present, I presume. + +KEARNEY (angrily). Rahnkin! Who is Rahnkin? + +SIR HOWARD. Our host the missionary. + +KEARNEY (subsiding unwillingly). Oh! Rahnkin, is he? He'd better +look sharp or he'll be late. (Again exploding.) What are they +doing with those prisoners? + +Rankin hurries in, and takes his place near Sir Howard. + +SIR HOWARD. This is Mr. Rankin, Captain Kearney. + +RANKIN. Excuse my delay, Captain Kearney. The leddy sent me on an +errand. (Kearney grunts.) I thought I should be late. But the +first thing I heard when I arrived was your officer giving your +compliments to Leddy Ceecily, and would she kindly allow the +prisoners to come in, as you were anxious to see her again. Then I +knew I was in time. + +KEARNEY. Oh, that was it, was it? May I ask, sir, did you notice +any sign on Lady Waynflete's part of cawmplying with that verry +moderate request? + +LADY CICELY (outside). Coming, coming. + +The prisoners are brought in by a guard of armed bluejackets. + +Drinkwater first, again elaborately clean, and conveying by a +virtuous and steadfast smirk a cheerful confidence in his +innocence. Johnson solid and inexpressive, Redbrook unconcerned +and debonair, Marzo uneasy. These four form a little group +together on the captain's left. The rest wait unintelligently on +Providence in a row against the wall on the same side, shepherded +by the bluejackets. The first bluejacket, a petty officer, posts +himself on the captain's right, behind Rankin and Sir Howard. +Finally Brassbound appears with Lady Cicely on his arm. He is in +fashionable frock coat and trousers, spotless collar and cuffs, +and elegant boots. He carries a glossy tall hat in his hand. To an +unsophisticated eye, the change is monstrous and appalling; and +its effect on himself is so unmanning that he is quite out of +countenance--a shaven Samson. Lady Cicely, however, is greatly +pleased with it; and the rest regard it as an unquestionable +improvement. The officers fall back gallantly to allow her to +pass. Kearney rises to receive her, and stares with some surprise +at Brassbound as he stops at the table on his left. Sir Howard +rises punctiliously when Kearney rises and sits when he sits. + +KEARNEY. Is this another gentleman of your party, Lady Waynflete? +I presume I met you lahst night, sir, on board the yacht. + +BRASSBOUND. No. I am your prisoner. My name is Brassbound. + +DRINKWATER (officiously). Kepn Brarsbahnd, of the schooner +Thenksgiv-- + +REDBROOK (hastily). Shut up, you fool. (He elbows Drinkwater into +the background.) + +KEARNEY (surprised and rather suspicious). Well, I hardly +understahnd this. However, if you are Captain Brassbound, you can +take your place with the rest. (Brassbound joins Redbrook and +Johnson. Kearney sits down again, after inviting Lady Cicely, with +a solemn gesture, to take the vacant chair.) Now let me see. You +are a man of experience in these matters, Sir Howard Hallam. If +you had to conduct this business, how would you start? + +LADY CICELY. He'd call on the counsel for the prosecution, +wouldn't you, Howard? + +SIR HOWARD. But there is no counsel for the prosecution, Cicely. + +LADY CICELY. Oh yes there is. I'm counsel for the prosecution. You +mustn't let Sir Howard make a speech, Captain Kearney: his doctors +have positively forbidden anything of that sort. Will you begin +with me? + +KEARNEY. By your leave, Lady Waynfiete, I think I will just begin +with myself. Sailor fashion will do as well here as lawyer +fashion. + +LADY CICELY. Ever so much better, dear Captain Kearney. (Silence. +Kearney composes himself to speak. She breaks out again). You look +so nice as a judge! + +A general smile. Drinkwater splutters into a half suppressed +laugh. + +REDBROOK (in a fierce whisper). Shut up, you fool, will you? +(Again he pushes him back with a furtive kick.) + +SIR HOWARD (remonstrating). Cicely! + +KEARNEY (grimly keeping his countenance). Your ladyship's +cawmpliments will be in order at a later stage. Captain +Brassbound: the position is this. My ship, the United States +cruiser Santiago, was spoken off Mogador latest Thursday by the +yacht Redgauntlet. The owner of the aforesaid yacht, who is not +present through having sprained his ankle, gave me sertn +information. In cawnsequence of that information the Santiago made +the twenty knots to Mogador Harbor inside of fifty-seven minutes. +Before noon next day a messenger of mine gave the Cadi of the +district sertn information. In cawnsequence of that information +the Cadi stimulated himself to some ten knots an hour, and lodged +you and your men in Mogador jail at my disposal. The Cadi then +went back to his mountain fahstnesses; so we shall not have the +pleasure of his company here to-day. Do you follow me so far? + +BRASSBOUND. Yes. I know what you did and what the Cadi did. The +point is, why did you do it? + +KEARNEY. With doo patience we shall come to that presently. Mr. +Rahnkin: will you kindly take up the parable? + +RANKIN. On the very day that Sir Howrrd and Lady Cicely started on +their excursion I was applied to for medicine by a follower of the +Sheikh Sidi el Assif. He told me I should never see Sir Howrrd +again, because his master knew he was a Christian and would take +him out of the hands of Captain Brassbound. I hurried on board the +yacht and told the owner to scour the coast for a gunboat or +cruiser to come into the harbor and put persuasion on the +authorities. (Sir Howard turns and looks at Rankin with a sudden +doubt of his integrity as a witness.) + +KEARNEY. But I understood from our chahplain that you reported +Captain Brassbound as in league with the Sheikh to deliver Sir +Howard up to him. + +RANKIN. That was my first hasty conclusion, Captain Kearney. But +it appears that the compact between them was that Captain +Brassbound should escort travellers under the Sheikh's protection +at a certain payment per head, provided none of them were +Christians. As I understand it, he tried to smuggle Sir Howrrd +through under this compact, and the Sheikh found him out. + +DRINKWATER. Rawt, gavner. Thet's jest ah it wors. The Kepn-- + +REDBROOK (again suppressing him). Shut up, you fool, I tell you. + +SIR HOWARD (to Rankin). May I ask have you had any conversation +with Lady Cicely on this subject? + +RANKIN (naively). Yes. (Sir Howard qrunts emphatically, as who +should say "I thought so." Rankin continues. addressing the court) +May I say how sorry I am that there are so few chairs, Captain and +gentlemen. + +KEARNEY (with genial American courtesy). Oh, THAT's all right, Mr. +Rahnkin. Well, I see no harm so far: it's human fawlly, but not +human crime. Now the counsel for the prosecution can proceed to +prosecute. The floor is yours, Lady Waynflete. + +LADY CICELY (rising). I can only tell you the exact truth-- + +DRINKWATER (involuntarily). Naow, down't do thet, lidy-- + +REDBROOK (as before). SHUT up, you fool, will you? + +LADY CICELY. We had a most delightful trip in the hills; and +Captain Brassbound's men could not have been nicer--I must say +that for them--until we saw a tribe of Arabs--such nice looking +men!--and then the poor things were frightened. + +KEARNEY. The Arabs? + +LADY CICELY. No: Arabs are never frightened. The escort, of +course: escorts are always frightened. I wanted to speak to the +Arab chief; but Captain Brassbound cruelly shot his horse; and the +chief shot the Count; and then-- + +KEARNEY. The Count! What Count? + +LADY CICELY. Marzo. That's Marzo (pointing to Marzo, who grins and +touches his forehead). + +KEARNEY (slightly overwhelmed by the unexpected profusion of +incident and character in her story). Well, what happened then? + +LADY CICELY. Then the escort ran away--all escorts do--and dragged +me into the castle, which you really ought to make them clean and +whitewash thoroughly, Captain Kearney. Then Captain Brassbound and +Sir Howard turned out to be related to one another (sensation); +and then of course, there was a quarrel. The Hallams always +quarrel. + +SIR HOWARD (rising to protest). Cicely! Captain Kearney: this man +told me-- + +LADY CICELY (swiftly interrupting him). You mustn't say what +people told you: it's not evidence. (Sir Howard chokes with +indignation.) + +KEARNEY (calmly). Allow the lady to proceed, Sir Howard Hallam. + +SIR HOWARD (recovering his self-control with a gulp, and resuming +his seat). I beg your pardon, Captain Kearney. + +LADY CICELY. Then Sidi came. + +KEARNEY. Sidney! Who was Sidney? + +LADY CICELY. No, Sidi. The Sheikh. Sidi el Assif. A noble +creature, with such a fine face! He fell in love with me at first +sight-- + +SIR HOWARD (remonstrating). Cicely! + +LADY CICELY. He did: you know he did. You told me to tell the +exact truth. + +KEARNEY. I can readily believe it, madam. Proceed. + +LADY CICELY. Well, that put the poor fellow into a most cruel +dilemma. You see, he could claim to carry off Sir Howard, because +Sir Howard is a Christian. But as I am only a woman, he had no +claim to me. + +KEARNEY (somewhat sternly, suspecting Lady Cicely of aristocratic +atheism). But you are a Christian woman. + +LADY CICELY. No: the Arabs don't count women. They don't believe +we have any souls. + +RANKIN. That is true, Captain: the poor benighted creatures! + +LADY CICELY. Well, what was he to do? He wasn't in love with Sir +Howard; and he WAS in love with me. So he naturally offered to +swop Sir Howard for me. Don't you think that was nice of him, +Captain Kearney? + +KEARNEY. I should have done the same myself, Lady Waynflete. +Proceed. + +LADY CICELY. Captain Brassbound, I must say, was nobleness itself, +in spite of the quarrel between himself and Sir Howard. He refused +to give up either of us, and was on the point of fighting for us +when in came the Cadi with your most amusing and delightful +letter, captain, and bundled us all back to Mogador after calling +my poor Sidi the most dreadful names, and putting all the blame on +Captain Brassbound. So here we are. Now, Howard, isn't that the +exact truth, every word of it? + +SIR HOWARD. It is the truth, Cicely, and nothing but the truth. +But the English law requires a witness to tell the WHOLE truth. + +LADY CICELY. What nonsense! As if anybody ever knew the whole +truth about anything! (Sitting down, much hurt and discouraged.) +I'm sorry you wish Captain Kearney to understand that I am an +untruthful witness. + +SIR HOWARD. No: but-- + +LADY CICELY. Very well, then: please don't say things that convey +that impression. + +KEARNEY. But Sir Howard told me yesterday that Captain Brassbound +threatened to sell him into slavery. + +LADY CICELY (springing up again). Did Sir Howard tell you the +things he said about Captain Brassbound's mother? (Renewed +sensation.) I told you they quarrelled, Captain Kearney. I said +so, didn't I? + +REDBROOK (crisply). Distinctly. (Drinkwater opens his mouth to +corroborate.) Shut up, you fool. + +LADY CICELY. Of course I did. Now, Captain Kearney, do YOU want +me--does Sir Howard want me--does ANYBODY want me to go into the +details of that shocking family quarrel? Am I to stand here in the +absence of any individual of my own sex and repeat the language of +two angry men? + +KEARNEY (rising impressively). The United States navy will have no +hahnd in offering any violence to the pure instincts of womanhood. +Lady Waynflete: I thahnk you for the delicacy with which you have +given your evidence. (Lady Cicely beams on him gratefully and sits +down triumphant.) Captain Brassbound: I shall not hold you +respawnsible for what you may have said when the English bench +addressed you in the language of the English forecastle-- (Sir +Howard is about to protest.) No, Sir Howard Hallam: excuse ME. +In moments of pahssion I have called a man that myself. We are +glahd to find real flesh and blood beneath the ermine of the +judge. We will all now drop a subject that should never have been +broached in a lady's presence. (He resumes his seat, and adds, in +a businesslike tone) Is there anything further before we release +these men? + +BLUEJACKET. There are some dawcuments handed over by the Cadi, +sir. He reckoned they were sort of magic spells. The chahplain +ordered them to be reported to you and burnt, with your leave, +sir. + +KEARNEY. What are they? + +BLUEJACKET (reading from a list). Four books, torn and dirty, made +up of separate numbers, value each wawn penny, and entitled Sweeny +Todd, the Demon Barber of London; The Skeleton Horseman-- + +DRINKWATER (rushing forward in painful alarm. and anxiety). It's +maw lawbrary, gavner. Down't burn em. + +KEARNEY. You'll be better without that sort of reading, my man. + +DRINKWATER (in intense distress, appealing to Lady Cicely) Down't +let em burn em, Lidy. They dasn't if you horder them not to. (With +desperate eloquence) Yer dunno wot them books is to me. They took +me aht of the sawdid reeyellities of the Worterleoo Rowd. They +formed maw mawnd: they shaowed me sathink awgher than the squalor +of a corster's lawf-- + +REDBROOK (collaring him). Oh shut up, you fool. Get out. Hold your +ton-- + +DRINKWATER (frantically breaking from him). Lidy, lidy: sy a word +for me. Ev a feelin awt. (His tears choke him: he clasps his hands +in dumb entreaty.) + +LADY CICELY (touched). Don't burn his books. Captain. Let me give +them back to him. + +KEARNEY. The books will be handed over to the lady. + +DRINKWATER (in a small voice). Thenkyer, Lidy. (He retires among +his comrades, snivelling subduedly.) + +REDBROOK (aside to him as he passes). You silly ass, you. +(Drinkwater sniffs and does not reply.) + +KEARNEY. I suppose you and your men accept this lady's account of +what passed, Captain Brassbound. + +BRASSBOUND (gloomily). Yes. It is true--as far as it goes. + +KEARNEY (impatiently). Do you wawnt it to go any further? + +MARZO. She leave out something. Arab shoot me. She nurse me. She +cure me. + +KEARNEY. And who are you, pray? + +MARZO (seized with a sanctimonious desire to demonstrate his +higher nature). Only dam thief. Dam liar. Dam rascal. She no lady. + +JOHNSON (revolted by the seeming insult to the English peerage +from a low Italian). What? What's that you say? + +MARZO. No lady nurse dam rascal. Only saint. She saint. She get me +to heaven--get us all to heaven. We do what we like now. + +LADY CICELY. Indeed you will do nothing of the sort Marzo, unless +you like to behave yourself very nicely indeed. What hour did you +say we were to lunch at, Captain Kearney? + +KEARNEY. You recall me to my dooty, Lady Waynflete. My barge will +be ready to take off you and Sir Howard to the Santiago at one +o'clawk. (He rises.) Captain Brassbound: this innquery has +elicited no reason why I should detain you or your men. I advise +you to ahct as escort in future to heathens exclusively. Mr. +Rahnkin: I thahnk you in the name of the United States for the +hospitahlity you have extended to us today; and I invite you to +accompany me bahck to my ship with a view to lunch at half-past +one. Gentlemen: we will wait on the governor of the gaol on our +way to the harbor (He goes out, following his officers, and +followed by the bluejackets and the petty officer.) + +SIR HOWARD (to Lady Cicely). Cicely: in the course of my +professional career I have met with unscrupulous witnesses, and, I +am sorry to say, unscrupulous counsel also. But the combination of +unscrupulous witness and unscrupulous counsel I have met to-day +has taken away my breath You have made me your accomplice in +defeating justice. + +LADY CICELY. Yes: aren't you glad it's been defeated for once? +(She takes his arm to go out with him.) Captain Brassbound: I will +come back to say goodbye before I go. (He nods gloomily. She goes +out with Sir Howard, following the Captain and his staff.) + +RANKIN (running to Brassbound and taking both his hands). I'm +right glad ye're cleared. I'll come back and have a crack with ye +when yon lunch is over. God bless ye. (Hs goes out quickly.) + +Brassbound and his men, left by themselves in the room, free and +unobserved, go straight out of their senses. They laugh; they +dance; they embrace one another; they set to partners and waltz +clumsily; they shake hands repeatedly and maudlinly. Three only +retain some sort of self-possession. Marzo, proud of having +successfully thrust himself into a leading part in the recent +proceedings and made a dramatic speech, inflates his chest, curls +his scanty moustache, and throws himself into a swaggering pose, +chin up and right foot forward, despising the emotional English +barbarians around him. Brassbound's eyes and the working of his +mouth show that he is infected with the general excitement; but he +bridles himself savagely. Redbrook, trained to affect +indifference, grins cynically; winks at Brassbound; and finally +relieves himself by assuming the character of a circus ringmaster, +flourishing an imaginary whip and egging on the rest to wilder +exertions. A climax is reached when Drinkwater, let loose without +a stain on his character for the second time, is rapt by belief in +his star into an ecstasy in which, scorning all partnership, he +becomes as it were a whirling dervish, and executes so miraculous +a clog dance that the others gradually cease their slower antics +to stare at him. + +BRASSBOUND (tearing off his hat and striding forward as Drinkwater +collapses, exhausted, and is picked up by Redbrook). Now to get +rid of this respectable clobber and feel like a man again. Stand +by, all hands, to jump on the captain's tall hat. (He puts the hat +down and prepares to jump on it. The effect is startling, and +takes him completely aback. His followers, far from appreciating +his iconoclasm, are shocked into scandalized sobriety, except +Redbrook, who is immensely tickled by their prudery.) + +DRINKWATER. Naow, look eah, kepn: that ynt rawt. Dror a lawn +somewhere. + +JOHNSON. I say nothin agen a bit of fun, Capn;, but let's be +gentlemen. + +REDBROOK. I suggest to you, Brassbound, that the clobber belongs +to Lady Sis. Ain't you going to give it back to her? + +BRASSBOUND (picking up the hat and brushing the dust off it +anxiously). That's true. I'm a fool. All the same, she shall not +see me again like this. (He pulls off the coat and waistcoat +together.) Does any man here know how to fold up this sort of +thing properly? + +REDBROOK. Allow me, governor. (He takes the coat and waistcoat to +the table, and folds them up.) + +BRASSBOUND (loosening his collar and the front of his shirt). +Brandyfaced Jack: you're looking at these studs. I know what's in +your mind. + +DRINKWATER (indignantly). Naow yer down't: nort a bit on it. Wot's +in maw mawnd is secrifawce, seolf-secrifawce. + +BRASSBOUND. If one brass pin of that lady's property is missing, +I'll hang you with my own hands at the gaff of the Thanksgiving-- +and would, if she were lying under the guns of all the fleets in +Europe. (He pulls off the shirt and stands in his blue jersey, +with his hair ruffled. He passes his hand through it and exclaims) +Now I am half a man, at any rate. + +REDBROOK. A horrible combination, governor: churchwarden from the +waist down, and the rest pirate. Lady Sis won't speak to you in +it. + +BRASSBOUND. I'll change altogether. (He leaves the room to get his +own trousers.) + +REDBROOK (softly). Look here, Johnson, and gents generally. (They +gather about him.) Spose she takes him back to England! + +MARZO (trying to repeat his success). Im! Im only dam pirate. She +saint, I tell you--no take any man nowhere. + +JOHNSON (severely). Don't you be a ignorant and immoral foreigner. +(The rebuke is well received; and Marzo is hustled into the +background and extinguished.) She won't take him for harm; but she +might take him for good. And then where should we be? + +DRINKWATER. Brarsbahnd ynt the ownly kepn in the world. Wot mikes +a kepn is brines an knollidge o lawf. It ynt thet ther's naow +sitch pusson: it's thet you dunno where to look fr im. (The +implication that he is such a person is so intolerable that they +receive it with a prolonged burst of booing.) + +BRASSBOUND (returning in his own clothes, getting into his jacket +as he comes). Stand by, all. (They start asunder guiltily, and +wait for orders.) Redbrook: you pack that clobber in the lady's +portmanteau, and put it aboard the yacht for her. Johnson: you +take all hands aboard the Thanksgiving; look through the stores: +weigh anchor; and make all ready for sea. Then send Jack to wait +for me at the slip with a boat; and give me a gunfire for n +signal. Lose no time. + +JOHNSON. Ay, ay, air. All aboard, mates. + +ALL. Ay, ay. (They rush out tumultuously.) + +When they are gone, Brassbound sits down at the end of the table, +with his elbows on it and his head on his fists, gloomily +thinking. Then he takes from the breast pocket of his jacket a +leather case, from which he extracts a scrappy packet of dirty +letters and newspaper cuttings. These he throws on the table. Next +comes a photograph in a cheap frame. He throws it down untenderly +beside the papers; then folds his arms, and is looking at it with +grim distaste when Lady Cicely enters. His back is towards her; +and he does not hear her. Perceiving this, she shuts the door +loudly enough to attract his attention. He starts up. + +LADY CICELY (coming to the opposite end of the table). So you've +taken off all my beautiful clothes! + +BRASSBOUND. Your brother's, you mean. A man should wear his own +clothes; and a man should tell his own lies. I'm sorry you had to +tell mine for me to-day. + +LADY CICELY. Oh, women spend half their lives telling little lies +for men, and sometimes big ones. We're used to it. But mind! I +don't admit that I told any to-day. + +BRASSBOUND. How did you square my uncle? + +LADY CICELY. I don't understand the expression. + +BRASSBOUND. I mean-- + +LADY CICELY. I'm afraid we haven't time to go into what you mean +before lunch. I want to speak to you about your future. May I? + +BRASSBOUND (darkening a little, but politely). Sit down. (She sits +down. So does he.) + +LADY CICELY. What are your plans? + +BRASSBOUND. I have no plans. You will hear a gun fired in the +harbor presently. That will mean that the Thanksgiving's anchor's +weighed and that she is waiting for her captain to put out to sea. +And her captain doesn't know now whether to turn her head north or +south. + +LADY CICELY. Why not north for England? + +BRASSBOUND. Why not south for the Pole? + +LADY CICELY. But you must do something with yourself. + +BRASSBOUND (settling himself with his fists and elbows weightily +on the table and looking straight and powerfully at her). Look +you: when you and I first met, I was a man with a purpose. I stood +alone: I saddled no friend, woman or man, with that purpose, +because it was against law, against religion, against my own +credit and safety. But I believed in it; and I stood alone for it, +as a man should stand for his belief, against law and religion as +much as against wickedness and selfishness. Whatever I may be, I +am none of your fairweather sailors that'll do nothing for their +creed but go to Heaven for it. I was ready to go to hell for mine. +Perhaps you don't understand that. + +LADY CICELY. Oh bless you, yes. It's so very like a certain sort +of man. + +BRASSBOUND. I daresay but I've not met many of that sort. Anyhow, +that was what I was like. I don't say I was happy in it; but I +wasn't unhappy, because I wasn't drifting. I was steering a course +and had work in hand. Give a man health and a course to steer; and +he'll never stop to trouble about whether he's happy or not. + +LADY CICELY. Sometimes he won't even stop to trouble about whether +other people are happy or not. + +BRASBIiOUND. I don't deny that: nothing makes a man so selfish as +work. But I was not self-seeking: it seemed to me that I had put +justice above self. I tell you life meant something to me then. Do +you see that dirty little bundle of scraps of paper? + +LADY CICELY. What are they? + +BRASSBOUND. Accounts cut out of newspapers. Speeches made by my +uncle at charitable dinners, or sentencing men to death--pious, +highminded speeches by a man who was to me a thief and a murderer! +To my mind they were more weighty, more momentous, better +revelations of the wickedness of law and respectability than the +book of the prophet Amos. What are they now? (He quietly tears the +newspaper cuttings into little fragments and throws them away, +looking fixedly at her meanwhile.) + +LADY CICELY. Well, that's a comfort, at all events. + +BRASSBOUND. Yes; but it's a part of my life gone: YOUR doing, +remember. What have I left? See here! (He take up the letters) the +letters my uncle wrote to my mother, with her comments on their +cold drawn insolence, their treachery and cruelty. And the piteous +letters she wrote to him later on, returned unopened. Must they go +too? + +LADY CICELY (uneasily). I can't ask you to destroy your mother's +letters. + +BRASSBOUND. Why not, now that you have taken the meaning out of +them? (He tears them.) Is that a comfort too? + +LADY CICELY. It's a little sad; but perhaps it is best so. + +BRASSBOOND. That leaves one relic: her portrait. (He plucks the +photograph out of its cheap case.) + +LADY CICELY (with vivid curiosity). Oh, let me see. (He hands it +to her. Before she can control herself, her expression changes to +one of unmistakable disappointment and repulsion.) + +BRASSBOUND (with a single sardonic cachinnation). Ha! You expected +something better than that. Well, you're right. Her face does not +look well opposite yours. + +LADY CICELY (distressed). I said nothing. + +BRASSSOUND. What could you say? (He takes back the portrait: she +relinquishes it without a word. He looks at it; shakes his head; +and takes it quietly between his finger and thumb to tear it.) + +LADY CICELY (staying his hand). Oh, not your mother's picture! + +BRASSBOUND. If that were your picture, would you like your son to +keep it for younger and better women to see? + +LADY CICELY (releasing his hand). Oh, you are dreadful! Tear it, +tear it. (She covers her eyes for a moment to shut out the sight.) + +BRASSBOUND (tearing it quietly). You killed her for me that day in +the castle; and I am better without her. (He throws away the +fragments.) Now everything is gone. You have taken the old meaning +out of my life; but you have put no new meaning into it. I can see +that you have some clue to the world that makes all its +difficulties easy for you; but I'm not clever enough to seize it. +You've lamed me by showing me that I take life the wrong way when +I'm left to myself. + +LADY CICELY. Oh no. Why do you say that? + +BRASSBOUND. What else can I say? See what I've done! My uncle is +no worse a man than myself--better, most likely; for he has a +better head and a higher place. Well, I took him for a villain out +of a storybook. My mother would have opened anybody else's eyes: +she shut mine. I'm a stupider man than Brandyfaced Jack even; for +he got his romantic nonsense out of his penny numbers and such +like trash; but I got just the same nonsense out of life and +experience. (Shaking his head) It was vulgar--VULGAR. I see that +now; for you've opened my eyes to the past; but what good is that +for the future? What am I to do? Where am I to go? + +LADY CICELY. It's quite simple. Do whatever you like. That's what +I always do. + +BRASSBOUND. That answer is no good to me. What I like is to have +something to do; and I have nothing. You might as well talk like +the missionary and tell me to do my duty. + +LADY CICELY (quickly). Oh no thank you. I've had quite enough of +your duty, and Howard's duty. Where would you both be now if I'd +let you do it? + +BRASSBOUND. We'd have been somewhere, at all events. It seems to +me that now I am nowhere. + +LADY CICELY. But aren't you coming back to England with us? + +BRASSBOUND. What for? + +LADY CICELY. Why, to make the most of your opportunities. + +BRASSBOUND. What opportunities? + +LADY CICELY. Don't you understand that when you are the nephew of +a great bigwig, and have influential connexions, and good friends +among them, lots of things can be done for you that are never done +for ordinary ship captains? + +BRASSBOUND. Ah; but I'm not an aristocrat,you see. And like most +poor men, I'm proud. I don't like being patronized. + +LADY CICELY. What is the use of saying that? In my world, which is +now your world--OUR world--getting patronage is the whole art of +life. A man can't have a career without it. + +BRASSBOUND. In my world a man can navigate a ship and get his +living by it. + +LADY CICELY. Oh, I see you're one of the Idealists--the +Impossibilists! We have them, too, occasionally, in our world. +There's only one thing to be done with them. + +BRASSBOUND. What's that? + +LADY CICELY. Marry them straight off to some girl with enough +money for them, and plenty of sentiment. That's their fate. + +BRASSBOUND. You've spoiled even that chance for me. Do you think I +could look at any ordinary woman after you? You seem to be able to +make me do pretty well what you like; but you can't make me marry +anybody but yourself. + +LADY CICELY. Do you know, Captain Paquito, that I've married no +less than seventeen men (Brassbound stares) to other women. And +they all opened the subject by saying that they would never marry +anybody but me. + +BRASSBOUND. Then I shall be the first man you ever found to stand +to his word. + +LADY CICELY (part pleased, part amused, part sympathetic). Do you +really want a wife? + +BRASSBOUND. I want a commander. Don't undervalue me: I am a good +man when I have a good leader. I have courage: I have +determination: I'm not a drinker: I can command a schooner and a +shore party if I can't command a ship or an army. When work is put +upon me, I turn neither to save my life nor to fill my pocket. +Gordon trusted me; and he never regretted it. If you trust me, you +shan't regret it. All the same, there's something wanting in me: I +suppose I'm stupid. + +LADY CICELY. Oh, you're not stupid. + +BRASSBOUND. Yes I am. Since you saw me for the first time in that +garden, you've heard me say nothing clever. And I've heard you say +nothing that didn't make me laugh, or make me feel friendly, as +well as telling me what to think and what to do. That's what I +mean by real cleverness. Well, I haven't got it. I can give an +order when I know what order to give. I can make men obey it, +willing or unwilling. But I'm stupid, I tell you: stupid. When +there's no Gordon to command me, I can't think of what to do. Left +to myself, I've become half a brigand. I can kick that little +gutterscrub Drinkwater; but I find myself doing what he puts into +my head because I can't think of anything else. When you came, I +took your orders as naturally as I took Gordon's, though I little +thought my next commander would be a woman. I want to take service +under you. And there's no way in which that can be done except +marrying you. Will you let me do it? + +LADY CICELY. I'm afraid you don't quite know how odd a match it +would be for me according to the ideas of English society. + +BRASSBOUND. I care nothing about English society: let it mind its +own business. + +LADY CICELY (rising, a little alarmed). Captain Paquito: I am not +in love with you. + +BRASSBOUND (also rising, with his gaze still steadfastly on her). +I didn't suppose you were: the commander is not usually in love +with his subordinate. + +LADY CICELY. Nor the subordinate with the commander. + +BRASSBOUND (assenting firmly). Nor the subordinate with the +commander. + +LADY CICELY (learning for the first time in her life what terror +is, as she finds that he is unconsciously mesmerizing her). Oh, +you are dangerous! + +BRASSBOUND. Come: are you in love with anybody else? That's the +question. + +LADY CICELY (shaking her head). I have never been in love with any +real person; and I never shall. How could I manage people if I had +that mad little bit of self left in me? That's my secret. + +BRASSBOUND. Then throw away the last bit of self. Marry me. + +LADY CICELY (vainly struggling to recall her wandering will). Must +I? + +BRASSBOUND. There is no must. You CAN. I ask you to. My fate +depends on it. + +LADY CICELY. It's frightful; for I don't mean to--don't wish to. + +BRASSBOUND. But you will. + +LADY CICELY (quite lost, slowly stretches out her hand to give it +to him). I-- (Gunfire from the Thanksgiving. His eyes dilate. It +wakes her from her trance) What is that? + +BRASSBOUND. It is farewell. Rescue for you--safety, freedom! You +were made to be something better than the wife of Black Paquito. +(He kneels and takes her hands) You can do no more for me now: I +have blundered somehow on the secret of command at last (he kisses +her hands): thanks for that, and for a man's power and purpose +restored and righted. And farewell, farewell, farewell. + +LADY CICELY (in a strange ecstasy, holding his hands as he rises). +Oh, farewell. With my heart's deepest feeling, farewell, farewell. + +BRASSBOUND. With my heart's noblest honor and triumph, farewell. +(He turns and flies.) + +LADY CICELY. How glorious! how glorious! And what an escape! + +CURTAIN + + + +NOTES TO CAPTAIN BRASSBOUND'S CONVERSION + +SOURCES OF THE PLAY + +I claim as a notable merit in the authorship of this play that I +have been intelligent enough to steal its scenery, its +surroundings, its atmosphere, its geography, its knowledge of the +east, its fascinating Cadis and Kearneys and Sheikhs and mud +castles from an excellent book of philosophic travel and vivid +adventure entitled Mogreb-el-Acksa (Morocco the Most Holy) by +Cunninghame Graham. My own first hand knowledge of Morocco is +based on a morning's walk through Tangier, and a cursory +observation of the coast through a binocular from the deck of an +Orient steamer, both later in date than the writing of the play. + +Cunninghame Graham is the hero of his own book; but I have not +made him the hero of my play, because so incredible a personage +must have destroyed its likelihood--such as it is. There are +moments when I do not myself believe in his existence. And yet he +must be real; for I have seen him with these eyes; and I am one of +the few men living who can decipher the curious alphabet in which +he writes his private letters. The man is on public record too. +The battle of Trafalgar Square, in which he personally and bodily +assailed civilization as represented by the concentrated military +and constabular forces of the capital of the world, can scarcely +be forgotten by the more discreet spectators, of whom I was one. +On that occasion civilization, qualitatively his inferior, was +quantitatively so hugely in excess of him that it put him in +prison, but had not sense enough to keep him there. Yet his +getting out of prison was as nothing compared to his getting into +the House of Commons. How he did it I know not; but the thing +certainly happened, somehow. That he made pregnant utterances as a +legislator may be taken as proved by the keen philosophy of the +travels and tales he has since tossed to us; but the House, strong +in stupidity, did not understand him until in an inspired moment +he voiced a universal impulse by bluntly damning its hypocrisy. Of +all the eloquence of that silly parliament, there remains only one +single damn. It has survived the front bench speeches of the +eighties as the word of Cervantes survives the oraculations of the +Dons and Deys who put him, too, in prison. The shocked House +demanded that he should withdraw his cruel word. "I never +withdraw," said he; and I promptly stole the potent phrase for the +sake of its perfect style, and used it as a cockade for the +Bulgarian hero of Arms and the Man. The theft prospered; and I +naturally take the first opportunity of repeating it. In what +other Lepantos besides Trafalgar Square Cunninghame Graham has +fought, I cannot tell. He is a fascinating mystery to a sedentary +person like myself. The horse, a dangerous animal whom, when I +cannot avoid, I propitiate with apples and sugar, he bestrides and +dominates fearlessly, yet with a true republican sense of the +rights of the fourlegged fellowcreature whose martyrdom, and man's +shame therein, he has told most powerfully in his Calvary, a tale +with an edge that will cut the soft cruel hearts and strike fire +from the hard kind ones. He handles the other lethal weapons as +familiarly as the pen: medieval sword and modern Mauser are to him +as umbrellas and kodaks are to me. His tales of adventure have the +true Cervantes touch of the man who has been there--so +refreshingly different from the scenes imagined by bloody-minded +clerks who escape from their servitude into literature to tell us +how men and cities are conceived in the counting house and the +volunteer corps. He is, I understand, a Spanish hidalgo: hence the +superbity of his portrait by Lavery (Velasquez being no longer +available). He is, I know, a Scotch laird. How he contrives to be +authentically the two things at the same time is no more +intelligible to me than the fact that everything that has ever +happened to him seems to have happened in Paraguay or Texas +instead of in Spain or Scotland. He is, I regret to add, an +impenitent and unashamed dandy: such boots, such a hat, would have +dazzled D'Orsay himself. With that hat he once saluted me in +Regent St. when I was walking with my mother. Her interest was +instantly kindled; and the following conversation ensued. "Who is +that?" "Cunninghame Graham." "Nonsense! Cunninghame Graham is one +of your Socialists: that man is a gentleman." This is the +punishment of vanity, a fault I have myself always avoided, as I +find conceit less troublesome and much less expensive. Later on +somebody told him of Tarudant, a city in Morocco in which no +Christian had ever set foot. Concluding at once that it must be an +exceptionally desirable place to live in, he took ship and horse: +changed the hat for a turban; and made straight for the sacred +city, via Mogador. How he fared, and how he fell into the hands of +the Cadi of Kintafi, who rightly held that there was more danger +to Islam in one Cunninghame Graham than in a thousand Christians, +may be learnt from his account of it in Mogreb-el-Acksa, without +which Captain Brassbound's Conversion would never have been +written. + +I am equally guiltless of any exercise of invention concerning the +story of the West Indian estate which so very nearly serves as a +peg to hang Captain Brassbound. To Mr. Frederick Jackson of +Hindhead, who, against all his principles, encourages and abets me +in my career as a dramatist, I owe my knowledge of those main +facts of the case which became public through an attempt to make +the House of Commons act on them. This being so, I must add that +the character of Captain Brassbound's mother, like the recovery of +the estate by the next heir, is an interpolation of my own. It is +not, however, an invention. One of the evils of the pretence that +our institutions represent abstract principles of justice instead +of being mere social scaffolding is that persons of a certain +temperament take the pretence seriously, and when the law is on +the side of injustice, will not accept the situation, and are +driven mad by their vain struggle against it. Dickens has drawn +the type in his Man from Shropshire in Bleak House. Most public +men and all lawyers have been appealed to by victims of this sense +of injustice--the most unhelpable of afflictions in a society like +ours. + +ENGLISH AND AMERICAN DIALECTS + +The fact that English is spelt conventionally and not phonetically +makes the art of recording speech almost impossible. What is more, +it places the modern dramatist, who writes for America as well as +England, in a most trying position. Take for example my American +captain and my English lady. I have spelt the word conduce, as +uttered by the American captain, as cawndooce, to suggest (very +roughly) the American pronunciation to English readers. Then why +not spell the same word, when uttered by Lady Cicely, as +kerndewce, to suggest the English pronunciation to American +readers? To this I have absolutely no defence: I can only plead +that an author who lives in England necessarily loses his +consciousness of the peculiarities of English speech, and sharpens +his consciousness of the points in which American speech differs +from it; so that it is more convenient to leave English +peculiarities to be recorded by American authors. I must, however, +most vehemently disclaim any intention of suggesting that English +pronunciation is authoritative and correct. My own tongue is +neither American English nor English English, but Irish English; +so I am as nearly impartial in the matter as it is in human nature +to be. Besides, there is no standard English pronunciation any +more than there is an American one: in England every county has +its catchwords, just as no doubt every state in the Union has. I +cannot believe that the pioneer American, for example, can spare +time to learn that last refinement of modern speech, the exquisite +diphthong, a farfetched combination of the French eu and the +English e, with which a New Yorker pronounces such words as world, +bird &c. I have spent months without success in trying to achieve +glibness with it. + +To Felix Drinkwater also I owe some apology for implying that all +his vowel pronunciations are unfashionable. They are very far from +being so. As far as my social experience goes (and I have kept +very mixed company) there is no class in English society in which +a good deal of Drinkwater pronunciation does not pass unchallenged +save by the expert phonetician. This is no mere rash and ignorant +jibe of my own at the expense of my English neighbors. Academic +authority in the matter of English speech is represented at +present by Mr. Henry Sweet, of the University of Oxford, whose +Elementarbuch des gesprochenen Engliach, translated into his +native language for the use of British islanders as a Primer of +Spoken English, is the most accessible standard work on the +subject. In such words as plum, come, humbug, up, gum, etc., Mr. +Sweet's evidence is conclusive. Ladies and gentlemen in Southern +England pronounce them as plam, kam, hambag, ap, gan, etc., +exactly as Felix Drinkwater does. I could not claim Mr. Sweet's +authority if I dared to whisper that such coster English as the +rather pretty dahn tahn for down town, or the decidedly ugly +cowcow for cocoa is current in very polite circles. The entire +nation, costers and all, would undoubtedly repudiate any such +pronunciation as vulgar. All the same, if I were to attempt to +represent current "smart" cockney speech as I have attempted to +represent Drinkwater's, without the niceties of Mr. Sweet's Romic +alphabets, I am afraid I should often have to write dahn tahn and +cowcow as being at least nearer to the actual sound than down town +and cocoa. And this would give such offence that I should have to +leave the country; for nothing annoys a native speaker of English +more than a faithful setting down in phonetic spelling of the +sounds he utters. He imagines that a departure from conventional +spelling indicates a departure from the correct standard English +of good society. Alas! this correct standard English of good +society is unknown to phoneticians. It is only one of the many +figments that bewilder our poor snobbish brains. No such thing +exists; but what does that matter to people trained from infancy +to make a point of honor of belief in abstractions and +incredibilities? And so I am compelled to hide Lady Cicely's +speech under the veil of conventional orthography. + +I need not shield Drinkwater, because he will never read my book. +So I have taken the liberty of making a special example of him, as +far as that can be done without a phonetic alphabet, for the +benefit of the mass of readers outside London who still form their +notions of cockney dialect on Sam Weller. When I came to London in +1876, the Sam Weller dialect had passed away so completely that I +should have given it up as a literary fiction if I had not +discovered it surviving in a Middlesex village, and heard of it +from an Essex one. Some time in the eighties the late Andrew Tuer +called attention in the Pall Mall Gazette to several peculiarities +of modern cockney, and to the obsolescence of the Dickens dialect +that was still being copied from book to book by authors who never +dreamt of using their ears, much less of training them to listen. +Then came Mr. Anstey's cockney dialogues in Punch, a great +advance, and Mr. Chevalier's coster songs and patter. The Tompkins +verses contributed by Mr. Barry Pain to the London Daily Chronicle +have also done something to bring the literary convention for +cockney English up to date. But Tompkins sometimes perpetrates +horrible solecisms. He will pronounce face as fits, accurately +enough; but he will rhyme it quite impossibly to nice, which +Tompkins would pronounce as newts: for example Mawl Enn Rowd for +Mile End Road. This aw for i, which I have made Drinkwater use, is +the latest stage of the old diphthongal oi, which Mr. Chevalier +still uses. Irish, Scotch and north country readers must remember +that Drinkwater's rs are absolutely unpronounced when they follow +a vowel, though they modify the vowel very considerably. Thus, +luggage is pronounced by him as laggige, but turn is not +pronounced as tern, but as teun with the eu sounded as in French. +The London r seems thoroughly understood in America, with the +result, however, that the use of the r by Artemus Ward and other +American dialect writers causes Irish people to misread them +grotesquely. I once saw the pronunciation of malheureux +represented in a cockney handbook by mal-err-err: not at all a bad +makeshift to instruct a Londoner, but out of the question +elsewhere in the British Isles. In America, representations of +English speech dwell too derisively on the dropped or interpolated +h. American writers have apparently not noticed the fact that the +south English h is not the same as the never-dropped Irish and +American h, and that to ridicule an Englishman for dropping it is +as absurd as to ridicule the whole French and Italian nation for +doing the same. The American h, helped out by a general agreement +to pronounce wh as hw, is tempestuously audible, and cannot be +dropped without being immediately missed. The London h is so +comparatively quiet at all times, and so completely inaudible in +wh, that it probably fell out of use simply by escaping the ears +of children learning to speak. However that may be, it is kept +alive only by the literate classes who are reminded constantly of +its existence by seeing it on paper. + +Roughly speaking, I should say that in England he who bothers +about his hs is a fool, and he who ridicules a dropped h a snob. +As to the interpolated h, my experience as a London vestryman has +convinced me that it is often effective as a means of emphasis, +and that the London language would be poorer without it. The +objection to it is no more respectable than the objection of a +street boy to a black man or to a lady in knickerbockers. + +I have made only the most perfunctory attempt to represent the +dialect of the missionary. There is no literary notation for the +grave music of good Scotch. + +BLACKDOWN, August 1900 + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg Etext of Captain Brassbound's Conversion by Shaw + |