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+Project Gutenberg's Captain Brassbound's Conversion, by George Bernard Shaw
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Captain Brassbound's Conversion
+
+Author: George Bernard Shaw
+
+Posting Date: January 17, 2009 [EBook #3418]
+Release Date: September, 2002
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BRASSBOUND'S CONVERSION ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Eve Sobol
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CAPTAIN BRASSBOUND'S CONVERSION
+
+By Bernard Shaw
+
+
+
+
+ACT I
+
+On the heights overlooking the harbor of Mogador, a seaport on the west
+coast of Morocco, the missionary, in the coolness of the late afternoon,
+is following the precept of Voltaire by cultivating his garden. He is
+an elderly Scotchman, spiritually a little weatherbeaten, as having to
+navigate his creed in strange waters crowded with other craft but still
+a convinced son of the Free Church and the North African Mission, with
+a faithful brown eye, and a peaceful soul. Physically a wiry small-knit
+man, well tanned, clean shaven, with delicate resolute features and
+a twinkle of mild humor. He wears the sun helmet and pagri, the
+neutral-tinted spectacles, and the white canvas Spanish sand shoes of
+the modern Scotch missionary: but instead of a cheap tourist's suit from
+Glasgow, a grey flannel shirt with white collar, a green sailor knot tie
+with a cheap pin in it, he wears a suit of clean white linen, acceptable
+in color, if not in cut, to the Moorish mind.
+
+The view from the garden includes much Atlantic Ocean and a long stretch
+of sandy coast to the south, swept by the north east trade wind,
+and scantily nourishing a few stunted pepper trees, mangy palms, and
+tamarisks. The prospect ends, as far as the land is concerned, in
+little hills that come nearly to the sea: rudiments, these, of the Atlas
+Mountains. The missionary, having had daily opportunities of looking at
+this seascape for thirty years or so, pays no heed to it, being absorbed
+in trimming a huge red geranium bush, to English eyes unnaturally
+big, which, with a dusty smilax or two, is the sole product of his pet
+flower-bed. He is sitting to his work on a Moorish stool. In the middle
+of the garden there is a pleasant seat in the shade of a tamarisk tree.
+The house is in the south west corner of the garden, and the geranium
+bush in the north east corner.
+
+At the garden-door of the house there appears presently a man who is
+clearly no barbarian, being in fact a less agreeable product peculiar
+to modern commercial civilization. His frame and flesh are those of an
+ill-nourished lad of seventeen; but his age is inscrutable: only the
+absence of any sign of grey in his mud colored hair suggests that he is
+at all events probably under forty, without prejudice to the possibility
+of his being under twenty. A Londoner would recognize him at once as an
+extreme but hardy specimen of the abortion produced by nature in a city
+slum. His utterance, affectedly pumped and hearty, and naturally vulgar
+and nasal, is ready and fluent: nature, a Board School education, and
+some kerbstone practice having made him a bit of an orator. His dialect,
+apart from its base nasal delivery, is not unlike that of smart London
+society in its tendency to replace diphthongs by vowels (sometimes
+rather prettily) and to shuffle all the traditional vowel
+pronunciations. He pronounces ow as ah, and i as aw, using the ordinary
+ow for o, i for a, a for u, and e for a, with this reservation, that
+when any vowel is followed by an r he signifies its presence, not by
+pronouncing the r, which he never does under these circumstances, but by
+prolonging and modifyinq the vowel, sometimes even to the extreme degree
+of pronouncing it properly. As to his yol for l (a compendious delivery
+of the provincial eh-al), and other metropolitan refinements, amazing to
+all but cockneys, they cannot be indicated, save in the above imperfect
+manner, without the aid of a phonetic alphabet. He is dressed in
+somebody else's very second best as a coast-guardsman, and gives himself
+the airs of a stage tar with sufficient success to pass as a possible
+fish porter of bad character in casual employment during busy times
+at Billingsgate. His manner shows an earnest disposition to ingratiate
+himself with the missionary, probably for some dishonest purpose.
+
+THE MAN. Awtenoon, Mr. Renkin. (The missionary sits up quickly, and
+turns, resigning himself dutifully to the interruption.) Yr honor's
+eolth.
+
+RANKIN (reservedly). Good afternoon, Mr. Drinkwotter.
+
+DRINKWATER. You're not best pleased to be hinterrupted in yr bit o
+gawdnin bow the lawk o me, gavner.
+
+RANKIN. A missionary knows nothing of leks of that soart, or of disleks
+either, Mr. Drinkwotter. What can I do for ye?
+
+DRINKWATER (heartily). Nathink, gavner. Awve brort noos fer yer.
+
+RANKIN. Well, sit ye doon.
+
+DRINKWATER. Aw thenk yr honor. (He sits down on the seat under the tree
+and composes himself for conversation.) Hever ear o Jadge Ellam?
+
+RANKIN. Sir Howrrd Hallam?
+
+DRINKWATER. Thet's im-enginest jadge in Hingland!--awlus gives the ket
+wen it's robbry with voylence, bless is awt. Aw sy nathink agin im: awm
+all fer lor mawseolf, AW em.
+
+RANKIN. Well?
+
+DRINKWATER. Hever ear of is sist-in-lor: Lidy Sisly Winefleet?
+
+RANKIN. Do ye mean the celebrated Leddy--the traveller?
+
+DRINKWATER. Yuss: should think aw doo. Walked acrost Harfricar with
+nathink but a little dawg, and wrowt abaht it in the Dily Mile (the
+Daily Mail, a popular London newspaper), she did.
+
+RANKIN. Is she Sir Howrrd Hallam's sister-in-law?
+
+DRINKWATER. Deeceased wawfe's sister: yuss: thet's wot SHE is.
+
+RANKIN. Well, what about them?
+
+DRINKWATER. Wot abaht them! Waw, they're EAH. Lannid aht of a steam
+yacht in Mogador awber not twenty minnits agow. Gorn to the British
+cornsl's. E'll send em orn to you: e ynt got naowheres to put em. Sor em
+awr (hire) a Harab an two Krooboys to kerry their laggige. Thort awd cam
+an teoll yer.
+
+RANKIN. Thank you. It's verra kind of you, Mr. Drinkwotter.
+
+DRINKWATER. Down't mention it, gavner. Lor bless yer, wawn't it you as
+converted me? Wot was aw wen aw cam eah but a pore lorst sinner? Down't
+aw ow y'a turn fer thet? Besawds, gavner, this Lidy Sisly Winefleet mawt
+wor't to tike a walk crost Morocker--a rawd inter the mahntns or sech
+lawk. Weoll, as you knaow, gavner, thet cawn't be done eah withaht a
+hescort.
+
+RANKIN. It's impoassible: th' would oall b' murrdered. Morocco is not
+lek the rest of Africa.
+
+DRINKWATER. No, gavner: these eah Moors ez their religion; an it mikes
+em dinegerous. Hever convert a Moor, gavner?
+
+RANKIN (with a rueful smile). No.
+
+DRINKWATER (solemnly). Nor never will, gavner.
+
+RANKIN. I have been at work here for twenty-five years, Mr. Drinkwotter;
+and you are my first and only convert.
+
+DRINKWATER. Down't seem naow good, do it, gavner?
+
+RANKIN. I don't say that. I hope I have done some good. They come to me
+for medicine when they are ill; and they call me the Christian who is
+not a thief. THAT is something.
+
+DRINKWATER. Their mawnds kennot rawse to Christiennity lawk hahrs
+ken, gavner: thet's ah it is. Weoll, ez haw was syin, if a hescort
+is wornted, there's maw friend and commawnder Kepn Brarsbahnd of the
+schooner Thenksgivin, an is crew, incloodin mawseolf, will see the lidy
+an Jadge Ellam through henny little excursion in reason. Yr honor mawt
+mention it.
+
+RANKIN. I will certainly not propose anything so dangerous as an
+excursion.
+
+DRINKWATER (virtuously). Naow, gavner, nor would I awst you to. (Shaking
+his head.) Naow, naow: it IS dinegerous. But hall the more call for a
+hescort if they should ev it hin their mawnds to gow.
+
+RANKIN. I hope they won't.
+
+DRINKWATER. An sow aw do too, gavner.
+
+RANKIN (pondering). 'Tis strange that they should come to Mogador, of
+all places; and to my house! I once met Sir Howrrd Hallam, years ago.
+
+DRINKWATER (amazed). Naow! didger? Think o thet, gavner! Waw, sow aw did
+too. But it were a misunnerstedin, thet wors. Lef the court withaht a
+stine on maw kerrickter, aw did.
+
+RANKIN (with some indignation). I hope you don't think I met Sir Howrrd
+in that way.
+
+DRINKWATER. Mawt yeppn to the honestest, best meanin pusson, aw do
+assure yer, gavner.
+
+RANKIN. I would have you to know that I met him privately, Mr.
+Drinkwotter. His brother was a dear friend of mine. Years ago. He went
+out to the West Indies.
+
+DRINKWATER. The Wust Hindies! Jist acrost there, tather sawd thet
+howcean (pointing seaward)! Dear me! We cams hin with vennity, an we
+deepawts in dawkness. Down't we, gavner?
+
+RANKIN (pricking up his ears). Eh? Have you been reading that little
+book I gave you?
+
+DRINKWATER. Aw hev, et odd tawms. Very camfitn, gavner. (He rises,
+apprehensive lest further catechism should find him unprepared.) Awll
+sy good awtenoon, gavner: you're busy hexpectin o Sr Ahrd an Lidy Sisly,
+ynt yer? (About to go.)
+
+RANKIN (stopping him). No, stop: we're oalways ready for travellers
+here. I have something else to say--a question to ask you.
+
+DRINKWATER (with a misgiving, which he masks by exaggerating his hearty
+sailor manner). An weollcome, yr honor.
+
+RANKIN. Who is this Captain Brassbound?
+
+DRINKWATER (guiltily). Kepn Brarsbahnd! E's-weoll, e's maw Kepn, gavner.
+
+RANKIN. Yes. Well?
+
+DRINKWATER (feebly). Kepn of the schooner Thenksgivin, gavner.
+
+RANKIN (searchingly). Have ye ever haird of a bad character in these
+seas called Black Paquito?
+
+DRINKWATER (with a sudden radiance of complete enlightenment). Aoh, nar
+aw tikes yer wiv me, yr honor. Nah sammun es bin a teolln you thet Kepn
+Brarsbahnd an Bleck Pakeetow is hawdentically the sime pussn. Ynt thet
+sow?
+
+RANKIN. That is so. (Drinkwater slaps his knee triumphantly. The
+missionary proceeds determinedly) And the someone was a verra honest,
+straightforward man, as far as I could judge.
+
+DRINKWATER (embracing the implication). Course a wors, gavner: Ev aw
+said a word agin him? Ev aw nah?
+
+RANKIN. But is Captain Brassbound Black Paquito then?
+
+DRINKWATER. Waw, it's the nime is blessed mather give im at er
+knee, bless is little awt! Ther ynt naow awm in it. She ware a Wust
+Hinjin--howver there agin, yer see (pointing seaward)--leastwaws, naow
+she worn't: she were a Brazilian, aw think; an Pakeetow's Brazilian for
+a bloomin little perrit--awskin yr pawdn for the word. (Sentimentally)
+Lawk as a Hinglish lidy mawt call er little boy Birdie.
+
+RANKIN (not quite convinced). But why BLACK Paquito?
+
+DRINKWATER (artlessly). Waw, the bird in its netral stite bein green, an
+e evin bleck air, y' knaow--
+
+RANKIN (cutting him short). I see. And now I will put ye another
+question. WHAT is Captain Brassbound, or Paquito, or whatever he calls
+himself?
+
+DRINKWATER (officiously). Brarsbahnd, gavner. Awlus calls isseolf
+Brarsbahnd.
+
+RANKIN. Well. Brassbound, then. What is he?
+
+DRINKWATER (fervently). You awsks me wot e is, gavner?
+
+RANKIN (firmly). I do.
+
+DRINKWATER (with rising enthusiasm). An shll aw teoll yer wot e is, yr
+honor?
+
+RANKIN (not at all impressed). If ye will be so good, Mr. Drinkwotter.
+
+DRINKWATER (with overwhelming conviction). Then awll teoll you, gavner,
+wot he is. Ee's a Paffick Genlmn: thet's wot e is.
+
+RANKIN (gravely). Mr. Drinkwotter: pairfection is an attribute, not
+of West Coast captains, but of thr Maaker. And there are gentlemen and
+gentlemen in the world, espaecially in these latitudes. Which sort of
+gentleman is he?
+
+DRINKWATER. Hinglish genlmn, gavner. Hinglish speakin; Hinglish fawther;
+West Hinjin plawnter; Hinglish true blue breed. (Reflectively) Tech o
+brahn from the mather, preps, she bein Brazilian.
+
+RANKIN. Now on your faith as a Christian, Felix Drinkwotter, is Captain
+Brassbound a slaver or not?
+
+DRINKWATER (surprised into his natural cockney pertness). Naow e ynt.
+
+RANKIN. Are ye SURE?
+
+DRINKWATER. Waw, a sliver is abaht the wanne thing in the wy of a genlmn
+o fortn thet e YNT.
+
+RANKIN. I've haird that expression "gentleman of fortune" before, Mr.
+Drinkwotter. It means pirate. Do ye know that?
+
+DRINKWATER. Bless y'r awt, y' cawnt be a pawrit naradys. Waw, the aw
+seas is wuss pleest nor Piccadilly Suckus. If aw was to do orn thet
+there Hetlentic Howcean the things aw did as a bwoy in the Worterleoo
+Rowd, awd ev maw air cat afore aw could turn maw ed. Pawrit be
+blaowed!--awskink yr pawdn, gavner. Nah, jest to shaow you ah little
+thet there striteforard man y' mide mention on knaowed wot e was atorkin
+abaht: oo would you spowse was the marster to wich Kepn Brarsbahnd
+served apprentice, as yr mawt sy?
+
+RANKIN. I don't know.
+
+DRINKWATER. Gawdn, gavner, Gawdn. Gawdn o Kawtoom--stetcher stends in
+Trifawlgr Square to this dy. Trined Bleck Pakeetow in smawshin hap the
+slive riders, e did. Promist Gawdn e wouldn't never smaggle slives nor
+gin, an (with suppressed aggravation) WOWN'T, gavner, not if we gows
+dahn on ahr bloomin bended knees to im to do it.
+
+RANKIN (drily). And DO ye go down on your bended knees to him to do it?
+
+DRINKWATER (somewhat abashed). Some of huz is hanconverted men, gavner;
+an they sy: You smaggles wanne thing, Kepn; waw not hanather?
+
+RANKIN. We've come to it at last. I thought so. Captain Brassbound is a
+smuggler.
+
+DRINKWATER. Weoll, waw not? Waw not, gavner? Ahrs is a Free Tride
+nition. It gows agin us as Hinglishmen to see these bloomin furriners
+settin ap their Castoms Ahses and spheres o hinfluence and sich lawk
+hall owver Arfricar. Daown't Harfricar belong as much to huz as to them?
+thet's wot we sy. Ennywys, there ynt naow awm in ahr business. All we
+daz is hescort, tourist HOR commercial. Cook's hexcursions to the Hatlas
+Mahntns: thet's hall it is. Waw, it's spreadin civlawzytion, it is. Ynt
+it nah?
+
+RANKIN. You think Captain Brassbound's crew sufficiently equipped for
+that, do you?
+
+DRINKWATER. Hee-quipped! Haw should think sow. Lawtnin rawfles, twelve
+shots in the meggezine! Oo's to storp us?
+
+RANKIN. The most dangerous chieftain in these parts, the Sheikh Sidi el
+Assif, has a new American machine pistol which fires ten bullets without
+loadin; and his rifle has sixteen shots in the magazine.
+
+DRINKWATER (indignantly). Yuss; an the people that sells sich
+things into the ends o' them eathen bleck niggers calls theirseolves
+Christians! It's a crool shime, sow it is.
+
+RANKIN. If a man has the heart to pull the trigger, it matters little
+what color his hand is, Mr. Drinkwotter. Have ye anything else to say to
+me this afternoon?
+
+DRINKWATER (rising). Nathink, gavner, cept to wishyer the bust o yolth,
+and a many cornverts. Awtenoon, gavner.
+
+RANKIN. Good afternoon to ye, Mr. Drinkwotter.
+
+As Drinkwater turns to go, a Moorish porter comes from the house with
+two Krooboys.
+
+THE PORTER (at the door, addressing Rankin). Bikouros (Moroccan for
+Epicurus, a general Moorish name for the missionaries, who are supposed
+by the Moors to have chosen their calling through a love of luxurious
+idleness): I have brought to your house a Christian dog and his woman.
+
+DRINKWATER. There's eathen menners fer yer! Calls Sr Ahrd Ellam an Lidy
+Winefleet a Christian dorg and is woman! If ee ed you in the dorck
+et the Centl Crimnal, you'd fawnd aht oo was the dorg and oo was is
+marster, pretty quick, you would.
+
+RANKIN. Have you broat their boxes?
+
+THE PORTER. By Allah, two camel loads!
+
+RANKIN. Have you been paid?
+
+THE PORTER. Only one miserable dollar, Bikouros. I have brought them to
+your house. They will pay you. Give me something for bringing gold to
+your door.
+
+DRINKWATER. Yah! You oughter bin bawn a Christian, you ought. You knaow
+too mach.
+
+RANKIN. You have broat onnly trouble and expense to my door, Hassan;
+and you know it. Have I ever charged your wife and children for my
+medicines?
+
+HASSAN (philosophically). It is always permitted by the Prophet to ask,
+Bikouros. (He goes cheerfully into the house with the Krooboys.)
+
+DRINKWATER. Jist thort eed trah it orn, a did. Hooman nitre is the sime
+everywheres. Them eathens is jast lawk you an' me, gavner.
+
+A lady and gentleman, both English, come into the garden. The gentleman,
+more than elderly, is facing old age on compulsion, not resignedly. He
+is clean shaven, and has a brainy rectangular forehead, a resolute nose
+with strongly governed nostrils, and a tightly fastened down mouth which
+has evidently shut in much temper and anger in its time. He has a habit
+of deliberately assumed authority and dignity, but is trying to take
+life more genially and easily in his character of tourist, which is
+further borne out by his white hat and summery racecourse attire.
+
+The lady is between thirty and forty, tall, very goodlooking,
+sympathetic, intelligent, tender and humorous, dressed with cunning
+simplicity not as a businesslike, tailor made, gaitered tourist, but as
+if she lived at the next cottage and had dropped in for tea in blouse
+and flowered straw hat. A woman of great vitality and humanity, who
+begins a casual acquaintance at the point usually attained by English
+people after thirty years acquaintance when they are capable of reaching
+it at all. She pounces genially on Drinkwater, who is smirking at her,
+hat in hand, with an air of hearty welcome. The gentleman, on the other
+hand, comes down the side of the garden next the house, instinctively
+maintaining a distance between himself and the others.
+
+THE LADY (to Drinkwater). How dye do? Are you the missionary?
+
+DRINKWATER (modestly). Naow, lidy, aw will not deceive you, thow the
+mistike his but netral. Awm wanne of the missionary's good works,
+lidy--is first cornvert, a umble British seaman--countrymen o yours,
+lidy, and of is lawdship's. This eah is Mr. Renkin, the bust worker in
+the wust cowst vawnyawd. (Introducing the judge) Mr. Renkin: is lawdship
+Sr Ahrd Ellam. (He withdraws discreetly into the house.)
+
+SIR HOWARD (to Rankin). I am sorry to intrude on you, Mr. Rankin; but in
+the absence of a hotel there seems to be no alternative.
+
+LADY CICELY (beaming on him). Besides, we would so much RATHER stay with
+you, if you will have us, Mr. Rankin.
+
+SIR HOWARD (introducing her). My sister-in-law, Lady Cicely Waynflete,
+Mr. Rankin.
+
+RANKIN. I am glad to be of service to your leddyship. You will be
+wishing to have some tea after your journey, I'm thinking.
+
+LADY CICELY. Thoughtful man that you are, Mr. Rankin! But we've had
+some already on board the yacht. And I've arranged everything with your
+servants; so you must go on gardening just as if we were not here.
+
+SIR HOWARD. I am sorry to have to warn you, Mr. Rankin, that Lady
+Cicely, from travelling in Africa, has acquired a habit of walking into
+people's houses and behaving as if she were in her own.
+
+LADY CICELY. But, my dear Howard, I assure you the natives like it.
+
+RANKIN (gallantly). So do I.
+
+LADY CICELY (delighted). Oh, that is so nice of you, Mr. Rankin. This
+is a delicious country! And the people seem so good! They have such
+nice faces! We had such a handsome Moor to carry our luggage up! And two
+perfect pets of Krooboys! Did you notice their faces, Howard?
+
+SIR HOWARD. I did; and I can confidently say, after a long experience of
+faces of the worst type looking at me from the dock, that I have never
+seen so entirely villainous a trio as that Moor and the two Krooboys, to
+whom you gave five dollars when they would have been perfectly satisfied
+with one.
+
+RANKIN (throwing up his hands). Five dollars! 'Tis easy to see you are
+not Scotch, my leddy.
+
+LADY CICELY. Oh, poor things, they must want it more than we do; and you
+know, Howard, that Mahometans never spend money in drink.
+
+RANKIN. Excuse me a moment, my leddy. I have a word in season to say to
+that same Moor. (He goes into the house.)
+
+LADY CICELY (walking about the garden, looking at the view and at the
+flowers). I think this is a perfectly heavenly place.
+
+Drinkwater returns from the house with a chair.
+
+DRINKWATER (placing the chair for Sir Howard). Awskink yr pawdn for the
+libbety, Sr Ahrd.
+
+SIR HOWARD (looking a him). I have seen you before somewhere.
+
+DRINKWATER. You ev, Sr Ahrd. But aw do assure yer it were hall a
+mistike.
+
+SIR HOWARD. As usual. (He sits down.) Wrongfully convicted, of course.
+
+DRINKWATER (with sly delight). Naow, gavner. (Half whispering, with an
+ineffable grin) Wrorngfully hacquittid!
+
+SIR HOWARD. Indeed! That's the first case of the kind I have ever met.
+
+DRINKWATER. Lawd, Sr Ahrd, wot jagginses them jurymen was! You an me
+knaowed it too, didn't we?
+
+SIR HOWARD. I daresay we did. I am sorry to say I forget the exact
+nature of the difficulty you were in. Can you refresh my memory?
+
+DRINKWATER. Owny the aw sperrits o youth, y' lawdship. Worterleoo Rowd
+kice. Wot they calls Ooliganism.
+
+SIR HOWARD. Oh! You were a Hooligan, were you?
+
+LADY CICELY (puzzled). A Hooligan!
+
+DRINKWATER (deprecatingly). Nime giv huz pore thortless leds baw a gent
+on the Dily Chrornicle, lidy. (Rankin returns. Drinkwater immediately
+withdraws, stopping the missionary for a moment near the threshold to
+say, touching his forelock) Awll eng abaht within ile, gavner, hin kice
+aw should be wornted. (He goes into the house with soft steps.)
+
+Lady Cicely sits down on the bench under the tamarisk. Rankin takes his
+stool from the flowerbed and sits down on her left, Sir Howard being on
+her right.
+
+LADY CICELY. What a pleasant face your sailor friend has, Mr. Rankin! He
+has been so frank and truthful with us. You know I don't think anybody
+can pay me a greater compliment than to be quite sincere with me at
+first sight. It's the perfection of natural good manners.
+
+SIR HOWARD. You must not suppose, Mr. Rankin, that my sister-in-law
+talks nonsense on purpose. She will continue to believe in your friend
+until he steals her watch; and even then she will find excuses for him.
+
+RANKIN (drily changing the subject). And how have ye been, Sir Howrrd,
+since our last meeting that morning nigh forty year ago down at the
+docks in London?
+
+SIR HOWARD (greatly surprised, pulling himself together) Our last
+meeting! Mr. Rankin: have I been unfortunate enough to forget an old
+acquaintance?
+
+RANKIN. Well, perhaps hardly an acquaintance, Sir Howrrd. But I was a
+close friend of your brother Miles: and when he sailed for Brazil I
+was one of the little party that saw him off. You were one of the party
+also, if I'm not mistaken. I took particular notice of you because you
+were Miles's brother and I had never seen ye before. But ye had no call
+to take notice of me.
+
+SIR HOWARD (reflecting). Yes: there was a young friend of my brother's
+who might well be you. But the name, as I recollect it, was Leslie.
+
+RANKIN. That was me, sir. My name is Leslie Rankin; and your brother and
+I were always Miles and Leslie to one another.
+
+SIR HOWARD (pluming himself a little). Ah! that explains it. I can trust
+my memory still, Mr. Rankin; though some people do complain that I am
+growing old.
+
+RANKIN. And where may Miles be now, Sir Howard?
+
+SIR HOWARD (abruptly). Don't you know that he is dead?
+
+RANKIN (much shocked). Never haird of it. Dear, dear: I shall never see
+him again; and I can scarcely bring his face to mind after all these
+years. (With moistening eyes, which at once touch Lady Cicely's
+sympathy) I'm right sorry--right sorry.
+
+SIR HOWARD (decorously subduing his voice). Yes: he did not live long:
+indeed, he never came back to England. It must be nearly thirty years
+ago now that he died in the West Indies on his property there.
+
+RANKIN (surprised). His proaperty! Miles with a proaperty!
+
+SIR HOWARD. Yes: he became a planter, and did well out there, Mr.
+Rankin. The history of that property is a very curious and interesting
+one--at least it is so to a lawyer like myself.
+
+RANKIN. I should be glad to hear it for Miles's sake, though I am no
+lawyer, Sir Howrrd.
+
+LADY CICELY. I never knew you had a brother, Howard.
+
+SIR HOWARD (not pleased by this remark). Perhaps because you never asked
+me. (Turning more blandly to Rankin) I will tell you the story, Mr.
+Rankin. When Miles died, he left an estate in one of the West Indian
+islands. It was in charge of an agent who was a sharpish fellow, with
+all his wits about him. Now, sir, that man did a thing which probably
+could hardly be done with impunity even here in Morocco, under the most
+barbarous of surviving civilizations. He quite simply took the estate
+for himself and kept it.
+
+RANKIN. But how about the law?
+
+SIR HOWARD. The law, sir, in that island, consisted practically of the
+Attorney General and the Solicitor General; and these gentlemen were
+both retained by the agent. Consequently there was no solicitor in the
+island to take up the case against him.
+
+RANKIN. Is such a thing possible to-day in the British Empire?
+
+SIR HOWARD (calmly). Oh, quite. Quite.
+
+LADY CICELY. But could not a firstrate solicitor have been sent out from
+London?
+
+SIR HOWARD. No doubt, by paying him enough to compensate him for
+giving up his London practice: that is, rather more than there was any
+reasonable likelihood of the estate proving worth.
+
+RANKIN. Then the estate was lost?
+
+SIR HOWARD. Not permanently. It is in my hands at present.
+
+RANKIN. Then how did ye get it back?
+
+SIR HOWARD (with crafty enjoyment of his own cunning). By hoisting the
+rogue with his own petard. I had to leave matters as they were for many
+years; for I had my own position in the world to make. But at last I
+made it. In the course of a holiday trip to the West Indies, I found
+that this dishonest agent had left the island, and placed the estate in
+the hands of an agent of his own, whom he was foolish enough to pay very
+badly. I put the case before that agent; and he decided to treat the
+estate as my property. The robber now found himself in exactly the same
+position he had formerly forced me into. Nobody in the island would
+act against me, least of all the Attorney and Solicitor General, who
+appreciated my influence at the Colonial Office. And so I got the estate
+back. "The mills of the gods grind slowly," Mr. Rankin; "but they grind
+exceeding small."
+
+LADY CICELY. Now I suppose if I'd done such a clever thing in England,
+you'd have sent me to prison.
+
+SIR HOWARD. Probably, unless you had taken care to keep outside the law
+against conspiracy. Whenever you wish to do anything against the law,
+Cicely, always consult a good solicitor first.
+
+LADY CICELY. So I do. But suppose your agent takes it into his head to
+give the estate back to his wicked old employer!
+
+SIR HOWARD. I heartily wish he would.
+
+RANKIN (openeyed). You wish he WOULD!!
+
+SIR HOWARD. Yes. A few years ago the collapse of the West Indian sugar
+industry converted the income of the estate into an annual loss of
+about 150 pounds a year. If I can't sell it soon, I shall simply abandon
+it--unless you, Mr. Rankin, would like to take it as a present.
+
+RANKIN (laughing). I thank your lordship: we have estates enough of
+that sort in Scotland. You're setting with your back to the sun, Leddy
+Ceecily, and losing something worth looking at. See there. (He rises and
+points seaward, where the rapid twilight of the latitude has begun.)
+
+LADY CICELY (getting up to look and uttering a cry of admiration). Oh,
+how lovely!
+
+SIR HOWARD (also rising). What are those hills over there to the
+southeast?
+
+RANKIN. They are the outposts, so to speak, of the Atlas Mountains.
+
+LADY CICELY. The Atlas Mountains! Where Shelley's witch lived! We'll
+make an excursion to them to-morrow, Howard.
+
+RANKIN. That's impoassible, my leddy. The natives are verra dangerous.
+
+LADY CICELY. Why? Has any explorer been shooting them?
+
+RANKIN. No. But every man of them believes he will go to heaven if he
+kills an unbeliever.
+
+LADY CICELY. Bless you, dear Mr. Rankin, the people in England believe
+that they will go to heaven if they give all their property to the poor.
+But they don't do it. I'm not a bit afraid of that.
+
+RANKIN. But they are not accustomed to see women going about unveiled.
+
+LADY CICELY. I always get on best with people when they can see my face.
+
+SIR HOWARD. Cicely: you are talking great nonsense and you know it.
+These people have no laws to restrain them, which means, in plain
+English, that they are habitual thieves and murderers.
+
+RANKIN. Nay, nay: not exactly that.
+
+LADY CICELY (indignantly). Of course not. You always think, Howard, that
+nothing prevents people killing each other but the fear of your hanging
+them for it. But what nonsense that is! And how wicked! If these people
+weren't here for some good purpose, they wouldn't have been made, would
+they, Mr. Rankin?
+
+RANKIN. That is a point, certainly, Leddy Ceecily.
+
+SIR HOWARD. Oh, if you are going to talk theology--
+
+LADY CICELY. Well, why not? theology is as respectable as law, I should
+think. Besides, I'm only talking commonsense. Why do people get
+killed by savages? Because instead of being polite to them, and
+saying Howdyedo? like me, people aim pistols at them. I've been among
+savages--cannibals and all sorts. Everybody said they'd kill me. But
+when I met them, I said Howdyedo? and they were quite nice. The kings
+always wanted to marry me.
+
+SIR HOWARD. That does not seem to me to make you any safer here, Cicely.
+You shall certainly not stir a step beyond the protection of the consul,
+if I can help it, without a strong escort.
+
+LADY CICELY. I don't want an escort.
+
+SIR HOWARD. I do. And I suppose you will expect me to accompany you.
+
+RANKIN. 'Tis not safe, Leddy Ceecily. Really and truly, 'tis not safe.
+The tribes are verra fierce; and there are cities here that no Christian
+has ever set foot in. If you go without being well protected, the first
+chief you meet well seize you and send you back again to prevent his
+followers murdering you.
+
+LADY CICELY. Oh, how nice of him, Mr. Rankin!
+
+RANKIN. He would not do it for your sake, Leddy Ceecily, but for his
+own. The Sultan would get into trouble with England if you were killed;
+and the Sultan would kill the chief to pacify the English government.
+
+LADY CICELY. But I always go everywhere. I KNOW the people here won't
+touch me. They have such nice faces and such pretty scenery.
+
+SIR HOWARD (to Rankin, sitting down again resignedly). You can imagine
+how much use there is in talking to a woman who admires the faces of the
+ruffians who infest these ports, Mr. Rankin. Can anything be done in the
+way of an escort?
+
+RANKIN. There is a certain Captain Brassbound here who trades along the
+coast, and occasionally escorts parties of merchants on journeys into
+the interior. I understand that he served under Gordon in the Soudan.
+
+SIR HOWARD. That sounds promising. But I should like to know a little
+more about him before I trust myself in his hands.
+
+RANKIN. I quite agree with you, Sir Howrrd. I'll send Felix Drinkwotter
+for him. (He claps his hands. An Arab boy appears at the house door.)
+Muley: is sailor man here? (Muley nods.) Tell sailor man bring captain.
+(Muley nods and goes.)
+
+SIR HOWARD. Who is Drinkwater?
+
+RANKIN. His agent, or mate: I don't rightly know which.
+
+LADY CICELY. Oh, if he has a mate named Felix Drinkwater, it must be
+quite a respectable crew. It is such a nice name.
+
+RANKIN. You saw him here just now. He is a convert of mine.
+
+LADY CICELY (delighted). That nice truthful sailor!
+
+SIR HOWARD (horrified). What! The Hooligan!
+
+RANKIN (puzzled). Hooligan? No, my lord: he is an Englishman.
+
+SIR HOWARD. My dear Mr. Rankin, this man was tried before me on a charge
+of street ruffianism.
+
+RANKIN. So he told me. He was badly broat up, I am afraid. But he is now
+a converted man.
+
+LADY CICELY. Of course he is. His telling you so frankly proves it. You
+know, really, Howard, all those poor people whom you try are more sinned
+against than sinning. If you would only talk to them in a friendly way
+instead of passing cruel sentences on them, you would find them quite
+nice to you. (Indignantly) I won't have this poor man trampled on merely
+because his mother brought him up as a Hooligan. I am sure nobody could
+be nicer than he was when he spoke to us.
+
+SIR HOWARD. In short, we are to have an escort of Hooligans commanded
+by a filibuster. Very well, very well. You will most likely admire all
+their faces; and I have no doubt at all that they will admire yours.
+
+Drinkwater comes from the house with an Italian dressed in a much worn
+suit of blue serge, a dilapidated Alpine hat, and boots laced with
+scraps of twine. He remains near the door, whilst Drinkwater comes
+forward between Sir Howard and Lady Cicely.
+
+DRINKWATER. Yr honor's servant. (To the Italian) Mawtzow: is lawdship Sr
+Ahrd Ellam. (Marzo touches his hat.) Er Lidyship Lidy Winefleet. (Marzo
+touches his hat.) Hawtellian shipmite, lidy. Hahr chef.
+
+LADY CICELY (nodding affably to Marzo). Howdyedo? I love Italy. What
+part of it were you born in?
+
+DRINKWATER. Worn't bawn in Hitly at all, lidy. Bawn in Ettn Gawdn
+(Hatton Garden). Hawce barrer an street pianner Hawtellian, lidy:
+thet's wot e is. Kepn Brarsbahnd's respects to yr honors; an e awites yr
+commawnds.
+
+RANKIN. Shall we go indoors to see him?
+
+SIR HOWARD. I think we had better have a look at him by daylight.
+
+RANKIN. Then we must lose no time: the dark is soon down in this
+latitude. (To Drinkwater) Will ye ask him to step out here to us, Mr.
+Drinkwotter?
+
+DRINKWATER. Rawt you aw, gavner. (He goes officiously into the house.)
+
+Lady Cicely and Rankin sit down as before to receive the Captain. The
+light is by this time waning rapidly, the darkness creeping west into
+the orange crimson.
+
+LADY CICELY (whispering). Don't you feel rather creepy, Mr. Rankin? I
+wonder what he'll be like.
+
+RANKIN. I misdoubt me he will not answer, your leddyship.
+
+There is a scuffling noise in the house; and Drinkwater shoots out
+through the doorway across the garden with every appearance of having
+been violently kicked. Marzo immediately hurries down the garden on Sir
+Howard's right out of the neighborhood of the doorway.
+
+DRINKWATER (trying to put a cheerful air on much mortification and
+bodily anguish). Narsty step to thet ere door tripped me hap, it
+did. (Raising his voice and narrowly escaping a squeak of pain) Kepn
+Brarsbahnd. (He gets as far from the house as possible, on Rankin's
+left. Rankin rises to receive his guest.)
+
+An olive complexioned man with dark southern eyes and hair comes from
+the house. Age about 36. Handsome features, but joyless; dark eyebrows
+drawn towards one another; mouth set grimly; nostrils large and
+strained: a face set to one tragic purpose. A man of few words, fewer
+gestures, and much significance. On the whole, interesting, and even
+attractive, but not friendly. He stands for a moment, saturnine in the
+ruddy light, to see who is present, looking in a singular and rather
+deadly way at Sir Howard; then with some surprise and uneasiness at
+Lady Cicely. Finally he comes down into the middle of the garden, and
+confronts Rankin, who has been glaring at him in consternation from the
+moment of his entrance, and continues to do so in so marked a way that
+the glow in Brassbound's eyes deepens as he begins to take offence.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Well, sir, have you stared your fill at me?
+
+RANKIN (recovering himself with a start). I ask your pardon for my bad
+manners, Captain Brassbound. Ye are extraordinair lek an auld college
+friend of mine, whose face I said not ten minutes gone that I could no
+longer bring to mind. It was as if he had come from the grave to remind
+me of it.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Why have you sent for me?
+
+RANKIN. We have a matter of business with ye, Captain.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Who are "we"?
+
+RANKIN. This is Sir Howrrd Hallam, who will be well known to ye as one
+of Her Majesty's judges.
+
+BRASSBOUND (turning the singular look again on Sir Howard). The friend
+of the widow! the protector of the fatherless!
+
+SIR HOWARD (startled). I did not know I was so favorably spoken of in
+these parts, Captain Brassbound. We want an escort for a trip into the
+mountains.
+
+BRASSBOUND (ignoring this announcement). Who is the lady?
+
+RANKIN. Lady Ceecily Waynflete, his lordship's sister-in-law.
+
+LADY CICELY. Howdyedo, Captain Brassbound? (He bows gravely.)
+
+SIR HOWARD (a little impatient of these questions, which strike him as
+somewhat impertinent). Let us come to business, if you please. We are
+thinking of making a short excursion to see the country about here. Can
+you provide us with an escort of respectable, trustworthy men?
+
+BRASSBOUND. No.
+
+DRINKWATER (in strong remonstrance). Nah, nah, nah! Nah look eah, Kepn,
+y'knaow--
+
+BRASSBOUND (between his teeth). Hold your tongue.
+
+DRINKWATER (abjectly). Yuss, Kepn.
+
+RANKIN. I understood it was your business to provide escorts, Captain
+Brassbound.
+
+BRASSBOUND. You were rightly informed. That IS my business.
+
+LADY CICELY. Then why won't you do it for us?
+
+BRASSBOUND. You are not content with an escort. You want respectable,
+trustworthy men. You should have brought a division of London policemen
+with you. My men are neither respectable nor trustworthy.
+
+DRINKWATER (unable to contain himself). Nah, nah, look eah, Kepn. If you
+want to be moddist, be moddist on your aown accahnt, nort on mawn.
+
+BRASSBOUND. You see what my men are like. That rascal (indicating Marzo)
+would cut a throat for a dollar if he had courage enough.
+
+MARZO. I not understand. I no spik Englis.
+
+BRASSBOUND. This thing (pointing to Drinkwater) is the greatest liar,
+thief, drunkard, and rapscallion on the west coast.
+
+DRINKWATER (affecting an ironic indifference). Gow orn, Gow orn. Sr Ahrd
+ez erd witnesses to maw kerrickter afoah. E knaows ah mech to believe of
+em.
+
+LADY CICELY. Captain Brassbound: I have heard all that before about
+the blacks; and I found them very nice people when they were properly
+treated.
+
+DRINKWATER (chuckling: the Italian is also grinning). Nah, Kepn, nah!
+Owp yr prahd o y'seolf nah.
+
+BRASSBOUND. I quite understand the proper treatment for him, madam. If
+he opens his mouth again without my leave, I will break every bone in
+his skin.
+
+LADY CICELY (in her most sunnily matter-of-fact way). Does Captain
+Brassbound always treat you like this, Mr. Drinkwater?
+
+Drinkwater hesitates, and looks apprehensively at the Captain.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Answer, you dog, when the lady orders you. (To Lady Cicely)
+Do not address him as Mr. Drinkwater, madam: he is accustomed to be
+called Brandyfaced Jack.
+
+DRINKWATER (indignantly). Eah, aw sy! nah look eah, Kepn: maw nime is
+Drinkworter. You awsk em et Sin Jorn's in the Worterleoo Rowd. Orn maw
+grenfawther's tombstown, it is.
+
+BRASSBOUND. It will be on your own tombstone, presently, if you cannot
+hold your tongue. (Turning to the others) Let us understand one another,
+if you please. An escort here, or anywhere where there are no regular
+disciplined forces, is what its captain makes it. If I undertake this
+business, I shall be your escort. I may require a dozen men, just as I
+may require a dozen horses. Some of the horses will be vicious; so will
+all the men. If either horse or man tries any of his viciousness on me,
+so much the worse for him; but it will make no difference to you. I will
+order my men to behave themselves before the lady; and they shall obey
+their orders. But the lady will please understand that I take my own way
+with them and suffer no interference.
+
+LADY CICELY. Captain Brassbound: I don't want an escort at all. It will
+simply get us all into danger; and I shall have the trouble of getting
+it out again. That's what escorts always do. But since Sir Howard
+prefers an escort, I think you had better stay at home and let me take
+charge of it. I know your men will get on perfectly well if they're
+properly treated.
+
+DRINKWATER (with enthusiasm). Feed aht o yr and, lidy, we would.
+
+BRASSBOUND (with sardonic assent). Good. I agree. (To Drinkwater) You
+shall go without me.
+
+DRINKWATER. (terrified). Eah! Wot are you a syin orn? We cawn't gow
+withaht yer. (To Lady Cicely) Naow, lidy: it wouldn't be for yr hown
+good. Yer cawn't hexpect a lot o poor honeddikited men lawk huz to ran
+ahrseolvs into dineger withaht naow Kepn to teoll us wot to do. Naow,
+lidy: hoonawted we stend: deevawdid we fall.
+
+LADY CICELY. Oh, if you prefer your captain, have him by all means. Do
+you LIKE to be treated as he treats you?
+
+DRINKWATER (with a smile of vanity). Weoll, lidy: y cawn't deenaw that
+e's a Paffick Genlmn. Bit hawbitrairy, preps; but hin a genlmn you looks
+for sich. It tikes a hawbitrairy wanne to knock aht them eathen Shikes,
+aw teoll yer.
+
+BRASSBOUND. That's enough. Go.
+
+DRINKWATER. Weoll, aw was hownly a teolln the lidy thet-- (A threatening
+movement from Brassbound cuts him short. He flies for his life into the
+house, followed by the Italian.)
+
+BRASSBOUND. Your ladyship sees. These men serve me by their own free
+choice. If they are dissatisfied, they go. If I am dissatisfied, they
+go. They take care that I am not dissatisfied.
+
+SIR HOWARD (who has listened with approval and growing confidence).
+Captain Brassbound: you are the man I want. If your terms are at
+all reasonable, I will accept your services if we decide to make an
+excursion. You do not object, Cicely, I hope.
+
+LADY CICELY. Oh no. After all, those men must really like you, Captain
+Brassbound. I feel sure you have a kind heart. You have such nice eyes.
+
+SIR HOWARD (scandalized). My DEAR Cicely: you really must restrain your
+expressions of confidence in people's eyes and faces. (To Brassbound)
+Now, about terms, Captain?
+
+BRASSBOUND. Where do you propose to go?
+
+SIR HOWARD. I hardly know. Where CAN we go, Mr. Rankin?
+
+RANKIN. Take my advice, Sir Howrrd. Don't go far.
+
+BRASSBOUND. I can take you to Meskala, from which you can see the Atlas
+Mountains. From Meskala I can take you to an ancient castle in the
+hills, where you can put up as long as you please. The customary charge
+is half a dollar a man per day and his food. I charge double.
+
+SIR HOWARD. I suppose you answer for your men being sturdy fellows, who
+will stand to their guns if necessary.
+
+BRASSBOUND. I can answer for their being more afraid of me than of the
+Moors.
+
+LADY CICELY. That doesn't matter in the least, Howard. The important
+thing, Captain Brassbound, is: first, that we should have as few men as
+possible, because men give such a lot of trouble travelling. And then,
+they must have good lungs and not be always catching cold. Above all,
+their clothes must be of good wearing material. Otherwise I shall be
+nursing and stitching and mending all the way; and it will be trouble
+enough, I assure you, to keep them washed and fed without that.
+
+BRASSBOUND (haughtily). My men, madam, are not children in the nursery.
+
+LADY CICELY (with unanswerable conviction). Captain Brassbound: all men
+are children in the nursery. I see that you don't notice things. That
+poor Italian had only one proper bootlace: the other was a bit of
+string. And I am sure from Mr. Drinkwater's complexion that he ought to
+have some medicine.
+
+BRASSBOUND (outwardly determined not to be trifled with: inwardly
+puzzled and rather daunted). Madam: if you want an escort, I can provide
+you with an escort. If you want a Sunday School treat, I can NOT provide
+it.
+
+LADY CICELY (with sweet melancholy). Ah, don't you wish you could,
+Captain? Oh, if I could only show you my children from Waynflete Sunday
+School! The darlings would love this place, with all the camels
+and black men. I'm sure you would enjoy having them here, Captain
+Brassbound; and it would be such an education for your men! (Brassbound
+stares at her with drying lips.)
+
+SIR HOWARD. Cicely: when you have quite done talking nonsense to Captain
+Brassbound, we can proceed to make some definite arrangement with him.
+
+LADY CICELY. But it's arranged already. We'll start at eight o'clock
+to-morrow morning, if you please, Captain. Never mind about the Italian:
+I have a big box of clothes with me for my brother in Rome; and there
+are some bootlaces in it. Now go home to bed and don't fuss yourself.
+All you have to do is to bring your men round; and I'll see to the rest.
+Men are always so nervous about moving. Goodnight. (She offers him her
+hand. Surprised, he pulls off his cap for the first time. Some scruple
+prevents him from taking her hand at once. He hesitates; then turns to
+Sir Howard and addresses him with warning earnestness.)
+
+BRASSBOUND. Sir Howard Hallam: I advise you not to attempt this
+expedition.
+
+SIR HOWARD. Indeed! Why?
+
+BRASSBOUND. You are safe here. I warn you, in those hills there is a
+justice that is not the justice of your courts in England. If you have
+wronged a man, you may meet that man there. If you have wronged a woman,
+you may meet her son there. The justice of those hills is the justice of
+vengeance.
+
+SIR HOWARD (faintly amused). You are superstitious, Captain. Most
+sailors are, I notice. However, I have complete confidence in your
+escort.
+
+BRASSBOUND (almost threateningly). Take care. The avenger may be one of
+the escort.
+
+SIR HOWARD. I have already met the only member of your escort who might
+have borne a grudge against me, Captain; and he was acquitted.
+
+BRASSBOUND. You are fated to come, then?
+
+SIR HOWARD (smiling). It seems so.
+
+BRASSBOUND. On your head be it! (To Lady Cicely, accepting her hand at
+last) Goodnight.
+
+He goes. It is by this time starry night.
+
+
+
+
+ACT II
+
+Midday. A roam in a Moorish castle. A divan seat runs round the
+dilapidated adobe walls, which are partly painted, partly faced with
+white tiles patterned in green and yellow. The ceiling is made up
+of little squares, painted in bright colors, with gilded edges,
+and ornamented with gilt knobs. On the cement floor are mattings,
+sheepskins, and leathern cushions with geometrical patterns on them.
+There is a tiny Moorish table in the middle; and at it a huge saddle,
+with saddle cloths of various colors, showing that the room is used by
+foreigners accustomed to chairs. Anyone sitting at the table in this
+seat would have the chief entrance, a large horseshoe arch, on his left,
+and another saddle seat between him and the arch; whilst, if susceptible
+to draughts, he would probably catch cold from a little Moorish door in
+the wall behind him to his right.
+
+Two or three of Brassbound's men, overcome by the midday heat, sprawl
+supine on the floor, with their reefer coats under their heads, their
+knees uplifted, and their calves laid comfortably on the divan. Those
+who wear shirts have them open at the throat for greater coolness. Some
+have jerseys. All wear boots and belts, and have guns ready to their
+hands. One of them, lying with his head against the second saddle seat,
+wears what was once a fashionable white English yachting suit. He is
+evidently a pleasantly worthless young English gentleman gone to the
+bad, but retaining sufficient self-respect to shave carefully and
+brush his hair, which is wearing thin, and does not seem to have been
+luxuriant even in its best days.
+
+The silence is broken only by the snores of the young gentleman, whose
+mouth has fallen open, until a few distant shots half waken him. He
+shuts his mouth convulsively, and opens his eyes sleepily. A door is
+violently kicked outside; and the voice of Drinkwater is heard raising
+urgent alarm.
+
+DRINKWATER. Wot ow! Wike ap there, will yr. Wike ap. (He rushes in
+through the horseshoe arch, hot and excited, and runs round, kicking the
+sleepers) Nah then. Git ap. Git ap, will yr, Kiddy Redbrook. (He gives
+the young qentleman a rude shove.)
+
+REDBOOK (sitting up). Stow that, will you. What's amiss?
+
+DRINKWATER (disgusted). Wot's amiss! Didn't eah naow fawrin, I spowse.
+
+REDBROOK. No.
+
+DRINKWATER (sneering). Naow. Thort it sifer nort, didn't yr?
+
+REDBROOK (with crisp intelligence). What! You're running away, are
+you? (He springs up, crying) Look alive, Johnnies: there's danger.
+Brandyfaced Jack's on the run. (They spring up hastily, grasping their
+guns.)
+
+DRINKWATER. Dineger! Yuss: should think there wors dineger. It's howver,
+thow, as it mowstly his baw the tawm YOU'RE awike. (They relapse
+into lassitude.) Waw wasn't you on the look-aht to give us a end? Bin
+hattecked baw the Benny Seeras (Beni Siras), we ev, an ed to rawd for it
+pretty strite, too, aw teoll yr. Mawtzow is it: the bullet glawnst all
+rahnd is bloomin brisket. Brarsbahnd e dropt the Shike's oss at six
+unnern fifty yawds. (Bustling them about) Nah then: git the plice ready
+for the British herristoracy, Lawd Ellam and Lidy Wineflete.
+
+REDBOOK. Lady faint, eh?
+
+DRINKWATER. Fynt! Not lawkly. Wornted to gow an talk, to the Benny
+Seeras: blaow me if she didn't! huz wot we was frahtnd of. Tyin up
+Mawtzow's wound, she is, like a bloomin orspittle nass. (Sir Howard,
+with a copious pagri on his white hat, enters through the horseshoe
+arch, followed by a couple of men supporting the wounded Marzo, who,
+weeping and terrorstricken by the prospect of death and of subsequent
+torments for which he is conscious of having eminently qualified
+himself, has his coat off and a bandage round his chest. One of his
+supporters is a blackbearded, thickset, slow, middle-aged man with an
+air of damaged respectability, named--as it afterwards appears--Johnson.
+Lady Cicely walks beside Marzo. Redbrook, a little shamefaced, crosses
+the room to the opposite wall as far away as possible from the visitors.
+Drinkwater turns and receives them with jocular ceremony.) Weolcome
+to Brarsbahnd Cawstl, Sr Ahrd an lidy. This eah is the corfee and
+commercial room.
+
+Sir Howard goes to the table and sits on the saddle, rather exhausted.
+Lady Cicely comes to Drinkwater.
+
+LADY CICELY. Where is Marzo's bed?
+
+DRINKWATER. Is bed, lidy? Weoll: e ynt petickler, lidy. E ez is chawce
+of henny flegstown agin thet wall.
+
+They deposit Marzo on the flags against the wall close to the little
+door. He groans. Johnson phlegmatically leaves him and joins Redbrook.
+
+LADY CICELY. But you can't leave him there in that state.
+
+DRINKWATER. Ow: e's hall rawt. (Strolling up callously to Marzo) You're
+hall rawt, ynt yer, Mawtzow? (Marzo whimpers.) Corse y'aw.
+
+LADY CICELY (to Sir Howard). Did you ever see such a helpless lot of
+poor creatures? (She makes for the little door.)
+
+DRINKWATER. Eah! (He runs to the door and places himself before it.)
+Where mawt yr lidyship be gowin?
+
+LADY CICELY. I'm going through every room in this castle to find a
+proper place to put that man. And now I'll tell you where YOU'RE going.
+You're going to get some water for Marzo, who is very thirsty. And then,
+when I've chosen a room for him, you're going to make a bed for him
+there.
+
+DRINKWATER (sarcastically). Ow! Henny ather little suvvice? Mike yrseolf
+at owm, y' knaow, lidy.
+
+LADY CICELY (considerately). Don't go if you'd rather not, Mr.
+Drinkwater. Perhaps you're too tired. (Turning to the archway) I'll ask
+Captain Brassbound: he won't mind.
+
+DRINKWATER (terrified, running after her and getting between her and the
+arch). Naow, naow! Naow, lidy: doesn't you goes disturbin the Kepn. Awll
+see to it.
+
+LADY CICELY (gravely). I was sure you would, Mr. Drinkwater. You have
+such a kind face. (She turns back and goes out through the small door.)
+
+DRINKWATER (looking after her). Garn!
+
+SIR HOWARD (to Drinkwater). Will you ask one of your friends to show me
+to my room whilst you are getting the water?
+
+DRINKWATER (insolently). Yr room! Ow: this ynt good enaf fr yr, ynt it?
+(Ferociously) Oo a you orderin abaht, ih?
+
+SIR HOWARD (rising quietly, and taking refuge between Redbrook and
+Johnson, whom he addresses). Can you find me a more private room than
+this?
+
+JOHNSON (shaking his head). I've no orders. You must wait til the capn
+comes, sir.
+
+DRINKWATER (following Sir Howard). Yuss; an whawl you're witin, yll tike
+your horders from me: see?
+
+JOHNSON (with slow severity, to Drinkwater). Look here: do you see three
+genlmen talkin to one another here, civil and private, eh?
+
+DRINKWATER (chapfallen). No offence, Miste Jornsn--
+
+JOHNSON (ominously). Ay; but there is offence. Where's your manners,
+you guttersnipe? (Turning to Sir Howard) That's the curse o this kind o
+life, sir: you got to associate with all sorts. My father, sir, was
+Capn Johnson o Hull--owned his own schooner, sir. We're mostly gentlemen
+here, sir, as you'll find, except the poor ignorant foreigner and
+that there scum of the submerged tenth. (Contemptuously looking at
+Drinkwater) HE ain't nobody's son: he's only a offspring o coster folk
+or such.
+
+DRINKWATER (bursting into tears). Clawss feelin! thet's wot it is:
+clawss feelin! Wot are yer, arter all, bat a bloomin gang o west cowst
+cazhls (casual ward paupers)? (Johnson is scandalized; and there is a
+general thrill of indignation.) Better ev naow fembly, an rawse aht of
+it, lawk me, than ev a specble one and disgrice it, lawk you.
+
+JOHNSON. Brandyfaced Jack: I name you for conduct and language
+unbecoming to a gentleman. Those who agree will signify the same in the
+usual manner.
+
+ALL (vehemently). Aye.
+
+DRINKWATER (wildly). Naow.
+
+JOHNSON. Felix Drinkwater: are you goin out, or are you goin to wait til
+you're chucked out? You can cry in the passage. If you give any trouble,
+you'll have something to cry for.
+
+They make a threatenng movement towards Drinkwater.
+
+DRINKWATER (whimpering). You lee me alown: awm gowin. There's n'maw true
+demmecrettick feelin eah than there is in the owl bloomin M division of
+Noontn Corzwy coppers (Newington Causeway policemen).
+
+As he slinks away in tears towards the arch, Brassbound enters.
+Drinkwater promptly shelters himself on the captain's left hand, the
+others retreating to the opposite side as Brassbound advances to the
+middle of the room. Sir Howard retires behind them and seats himself on
+the divan, much fatigued.
+
+BRASSBOUND (to Drinkwater). What are you snivelling at?
+
+DRINKWATER. You awsk the wust cowst herristorcracy. They fawnds maw
+cornduck hanbecammin to a genlmn.
+
+Brassbound is about to ask Johnson for an explanation, when Lady Cicely
+returns through the little door, and comes between Brassbound and
+Drinkwater.
+
+LADY CICELY (to Drinkwater). Have you fetched the water?
+
+DRINKWATER. Yuss: nah YOU begin orn me. (He weeps afresh.)
+
+LADY CICELY (surprised). Oh! This won't do, Mr. Drinkwater. If you cry,
+I can't let you nurse your friend.
+
+DRINKWATER (frantic). Thet'll brike maw awt, wown't it nah? (With a
+lamentable sob, he throws himself down on the divan, raging like an
+angry child.)
+
+LADY CICELY (after contemplating him in astonishment for a moment).
+Captain Brassbound: are there any charwomen in the Atlas Mountains?
+
+BRASSBOUND. There are people here who will work if you pay them, as
+there are elsewhere.
+
+LADY CICELY. This castle is very romantic, Captain; but it hasn't had a
+spring cleaning since the Prophet lived in it. There's only one room I
+can put that wounded man into. It's the only one that has a bed in it:
+the second room on the right out of that passage.
+
+BRASSBOUND (haughtily). That is my room, madam.
+
+LADY CICELY (relieved). Oh, that's all right. It would have been so
+awkward if I had had to ask one of your men to turn out. You won't mind,
+I know. (All the men stare at her. Even Drinkwater forgets his sorrows
+in his stupefaction.)
+
+BRASSBOUND. Pray, madam, have you made any arrangements for my
+accommodation?
+
+LADY CICELY (reassuringly). Yes: you can have my room instead wherever
+it may be: I'm sure you chose me a nice one. I must be near my
+patient; and I don't mind roughing it. Now I must have Marzo moved very
+carefully. Where is that truly gentlemanly Mr. Johnson?--oh, there you
+are, Mr. Johnson. (She runs to Johnson, past Brassbound, who has to step
+back hastily out of her way with every expression frozen out of his face
+except one of extreme and indignant dumbfoundedness). Will you ask
+your strong friend to help you with Marzo: strong people are always so
+gentle.
+
+JOHNSON. Let me introdooce Mr. Redbrook. Your ladyship may know his
+father, the very Rev. Dean Redbrook. (He goes to Marzo.)
+
+REDBROOK. Happy to oblige you, Lady Cicely.
+
+LADY CICELY (shaking hands). Howdyedo? Of course I knew your
+father--Dunham, wasn't it? Were you ever called--
+
+REDBROOK. The kid? Yes.
+
+LADY CICELY. But why--
+
+REDBROOK (anticipating the rest of the question). Cards and drink, Lady
+Sis. (He follows Johnson to the patient. Lady Cicely goes too.) Now,
+Count Marzo. (Marzo groans as Johnson and Redbrook raise him.)
+
+LADY CICELY. Now they're NOT hurting you, Marzo. They couldn't be more
+gentle.
+
+MARZO. Drink.
+
+LADY CICELY. I'll get you some water myself. Your friend Mr. Drinkwater
+was too overcome--take care of the corner--that's it--the second door on
+the right. (She goes out with Marzo and his bearers through the little
+door.)
+
+BRASSBOUND (still staring). Well, I AM damned--!
+
+DRINKWATER (getting up). Weoll, blimey!
+
+BRASSBOUND (turning irritably on him). What did you say?
+
+DRINKWATER. Weoll, wot did yer sy yrseolf, kepn? Fust tawm aw yever see
+y' afride of ennybody. (The others laugh.)
+
+BRASSBOUND. Afraid!
+
+DRINKWATER (maliciously). She's took y' bed from hander yr for a bloomin
+penny hawcemen. If y' ynt afride, let's eah yer speak ap to er wen she
+cams bawck agin.
+
+BRASSBOUND (to Sir Howard). I wish you to understand, Sir Howard, that
+in this castle, it is I who give orders, and no one else. Will you be
+good enough to let Lady Cicely Waynflete know that.
+
+SIR HOWARD (sitting up on the divan and pulling himself together). You
+will have ample opportunity for speaking to Lady Cicely yourself when
+she returns. (Drinkwater chuckles: and the rest grin.)
+
+BRASSBOUND. My manners are rough, Sir Howard. I have no wish to frighten
+the lady.
+
+SIR HOWARD. Captain Brassbound: if you can frighten Lady Cicely, you
+will confer a great obligation on her family. If she had any sense of
+danger, perhaps she would keep out of it.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Well, sir, if she were ten Lady Cicelys, she must consult me
+while she is here.
+
+DRINKWATER. Thet's rawt, kepn. Let's eah you steblish yr hawthority.
+(Brassbound turns impatiently on him: He retreats remonstrating) Nah,
+nah, nah!
+
+SIR HOWARD. If you feel at all nervous, Captain Brassbound, I will
+mention the matter with pleasure.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Nervous, sir! no. Nervousness is not in my line. You
+will find me perfectly capable of saying what I want to say--with
+considerable emphasis, if necessary. (Sir Howard assents with a polite
+but incredulous nod.)
+
+DRINKWATER. Eah, eah!
+
+Lady Cicely returns with Johnson and Redbrook. She carries a jar.
+
+LADY CICELY (stopping between the door and the arch). Now for the water.
+Where is it?
+
+REDBROOK. There's a well in the courtyard. I'll come and work the
+bucket.
+
+LADY CICELY. So good of you, Mr. Redbrook. (She makes for the horseshoe
+arch, followed by Redbrook.)
+
+DRINKWATER. Nah, Kepn Brassbound: you got sathink to sy to the lidy, ynt
+yr?
+
+LADY CICELY (stopping). I'll come back to hear it presently, Captain.
+And oh, while I remember it (coming forward between Brassbound and
+Drinkwater), do please tell me Captain, if I interfere with your
+arrangements in any way. It I disturb you the least bit in the world,
+stop me at once. You have all the responsibility; and your comfort and
+your authority must be the first thing. You'll tell me, won't you?
+
+BRASSBOUND (awkwardly, quite beaten). Pray do as you please, madam.
+
+LADY CICELY. Thank you. That's so like you, Captain. Thank you. Now, Mr.
+Redbrook! Show me the way to the well. (She follows Redbrook out through
+the arch.)
+
+DRINKWATER. Yah! Yah! Shime! Beat baw a woman!
+
+JOHNSON (coming forward on Brassbound's right). What's wrong now?
+
+DRINKWATER (with an air of disappointment and disillusion). Down't awsk
+me, Miste Jornsn. The kepn's naow clawss arter all.
+
+BRASSBOUND (a little shamefacedly). What has she been fixing up in
+there, Johnson?
+
+JOHNSON. Well: Marzo's in your bed. Lady wants to make a kitchen of
+the Sheikh's audience chamber, and to put me and the Kid handy in his
+bedroom in case Marzo gets erysipelas and breaks out violent. From what
+I can make out, she means to make herself matron of this institution. I
+spose it's all right, isn't it?
+
+DRINKWATER. Yuss, an horder huz abaht as if we was keb tahts! An the
+kepn afride to talk bawck at er!
+
+Lady Cicely returns with Redbrook. She carries the jar full of water.
+
+LADY CICELY (putting down the jar, and coming between Brassbound and
+Drinkwater as before). And now, Captain, before I go to poor Marzo, what
+have you to say to me?
+
+BRASSBOUND. I! Nothing.
+
+DRINKWATER. Down't fank it, gavner. Be a men!
+
+LADY CICELY (looking at Drinkwater, puzzled). Mr. Drinkwater said you
+had.
+
+BRASSBOUND (recovering himself). It was only this. That fellow there
+(pointing to Drinkwater) is subject to fits of insolence. If he is
+impertinent to your ladyship, or disobedient, you have my authority to
+order him as many kicks as you think good for him; and I will see that
+he gets them.
+
+DRINKWATER (lifting up his voice in protest). Nah, nah--
+
+LADY CICELY. Oh, I couldn't think of such a thing, Captain Brassbound. I
+am sure it would hurt Mr. Drinkwater.
+
+DRINKWATER (lachrymosely). Lidy's hinkyp'ble o sich bawbrous usage.
+
+LADY CICELY. But there's one thing I SHOULD like, if Mr. Drinkwater
+won't mind my mentioning it. It's so important if he's to attend on
+Marzo.
+
+BRASSBOUND. What is that?
+
+LADY CICELY. Well--you WON'T mind, Mr. Drinkwater, will you?
+
+DRINKWATER (suspiciously). Wot is it?
+
+LADY CICELY. There would be so much less danger of erysipelas if you
+would be so good as to take a bath.
+
+DRINKWATER (aghast). A bawth!
+
+BRASSBOUND (in tones of command). Stand by, all hands. (They stand by.)
+Take that man and wash him. (With a roar of laughter they seize him.)
+
+DRINKWATER (in an agony of protest). Naow, naow. Look eah--
+
+BRASSBOUND (ruthlessly). In COLD water.
+
+DRINKWATER (shrieking). Na-a-a-a-ow. Aw eawn't, aw toel yer. Naow. Aw
+sy, look eah. Naow, naow, naow, naow, naow, NAOW!!!
+
+He is dragged away through the arch in a whirlwind of laughter, protests
+and tears.
+
+LADY CICELY. I'm afraid he isn't used to it, poor fellow; but REALLY it
+will do him good, Captain Brassbound. Now I must be off to my patient.
+(She takes up her jar and goes out by the little door, leaving
+Brassbound and Sir Howard alone together.)
+
+SIR HOWARD (rising). And now, Captain Brass--
+
+BRASSBOUND (cutting him short with a fierce contempt that astonishes
+him). I will attend to you presently. (Calling) Johnson. Send me Johnson
+there. And Osman. (He pulls off his coat and throws it on the table,
+standing at his ease in his blue jersey.)
+
+SIR HOWARD (after a momentary flush of anger, with a controlled force
+that compels Brassbound's attention in spite of himself). You seem to be
+in a strong position with reference to these men of yours.
+
+BRASSBOUND. I am in a strong position with reference to everyone in this
+castle.
+
+SIR HOWARD (politely but threateningly). I have just been noticing that
+you think so. I do not agree with you. Her Majesty's Government, Captain
+Brassbound, has a strong arm and a long arm. If anything disagreeable
+happens to me or to my sister-in-law, that arm will be stretched out. If
+that happens you will not be in a strong position. Excuse my reminding
+you of it.
+
+BRASSBOUND (grimly). Much good may it do you! (Johnson comes in through
+the arch.) Where is Osman, the Sheikh's messenger? I want him too.
+
+JOHNSON. Coming, Captain. He had a prayer to finish.
+
+Osman, a tall, skinny, whiteclad, elderly Moor, appears in the archway.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Osman Ali (Osman comes forward between Brassbound and
+Johnson): you have seen this unbeliever (indicating Sir Howard) come in
+with us?
+
+OSMAN. Yea, and the shameless one with the naked face, who flattered my
+countenance and offered me her hand.
+
+JOHNSON. Yes; and you took it too, Johnny, didn't you?
+
+BRASSBOUND. Take horse, then; and ride fast to your master the Sheikh
+Sidi el Assif.
+
+OSMAN (proudly). Kinsman to the Prophet.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Tell him what you have seen here. That is all. Johnson: give
+him a dollar; and note the hour of his going, that his master may know
+how fast he rides.
+
+OSMAN. The believer's word shall prevail with Allah and his servant Sidi
+el Assif.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Off with you.
+
+OSMAN. Make good thy master's word ere I go out from his presence, O
+Johnson el Hull.
+
+JOHNSON. He wants the dollar.
+
+Brassbound gives Osman a coin.
+
+OSMAN (bowing). Allah will make hell easy for the friend of Sidi el
+Assif and his servant. (He goes out through the arch.)
+
+BRASSBOUND (to Johnson). Keep the men out of this until the Sheikh
+comes. I have business to talk over. When he does come, we must keep
+together all: Sidi el Assif's natural instinct will be to cut every
+Christian throat here.
+
+JOHNSON. We look to you, Captain, to square him, since you invited him
+over.
+
+BRASSBOUND. You can depend on me; and you know it, I think.
+
+JOHNSON (phlegmatically). Yes: we know it. (He is going out when Sir
+Howard speaks.)
+
+SIR HOWARD. You know also, Mr. Johnson, I hope, that you can depend on
+ME.
+
+JOHNSON (turning). On YOU, sir?
+
+SIR HOWARD. Yes: on me. If my throat is cut, the Sultan of Morocco may
+send Sidi's head with a hundred thousand dollars blood-money to the
+Colonial Office; but it will not be enough to save his kingdom--any more
+than it would saw your life, if your Captain here did the same thing.
+
+JOHNSON (struck). Is that so, Captain?
+
+BRASSBOUND. I know the gentleman's value--better perhaps than he knows
+it himself. I shall not lose sight of it.
+
+Johnson nods gravely, and is going out when Lady Cicely returns softly
+by the little door and calls to him in a whisper. She has taken off her
+travelling things and put on an apron. At her chatelaine is a case of
+sewing materials.
+
+LADY CICELY. Mr. Johnson. (He turns.) I've got Marzo to sleep. Would you
+mind asking the gentlemen not to make a noise under his window in the
+courtyard.
+
+JOHNSON. Right, maam. (He goes out.)
+
+Lady Cicely sits down at the tiny table, and begins stitching at a sling
+bandage for Marzo's arm. Brassbound walks up and down on her right,
+muttering to himself so ominously that Sir Howard quietly gets out of
+his way by crossing to the other side and sitting down on the second
+saddle seat.
+
+SIR HOWARD. Are you yet able to attend to me for a moment, Captain
+Brassbound?
+
+BRASSBOUND (still walking about). What do you want?
+
+SIR HOWARD. Well, I am afraid I want a little privacy, and, if you will
+allow me to say so, a little civility. I am greatly obliged to you for
+bringing us safely off to-day when we were attacked. So far, you have
+carried out your contract. But since we have been your guests here,
+your tone and that of the worst of your men has changed--intentionally
+changed, I think.
+
+BRASSBOUND (stopping abruptly and flinging the announcement at him). You
+are not my guest: you are my prisoner.
+
+SIR HOWARD. Prisoner!
+
+Lady Cicely, after a single glance up, continues stitching, apparently
+quite unconcerned.
+
+BRASSBOUND. I warned you. You should have taken my warning.
+
+SIR HOWARD (immediately taking the tone of cold disgust for moral
+delinquency). Am I to understand, then, that you are a brigand? Is this
+a matter of ransom?
+
+BRASSBOUND (with unaccountable intensity). All the wealth of England
+shall not ransom you.
+
+SIR HOWARD. Then what do you expect to gain by this?
+
+BRASSBOUND. Justice on a thief and a murderer.
+
+Lady Cicely lays down her work and looks up anxiously.
+
+SIR HOWARD (deeply outraged, rising with venerable dignity). Sir: do you
+apply those terms to me?
+
+BRASSBOUND. I do. (He turns to Lady Cicely, and adds, pointing
+contemptuously to Sir Howard) Look at him. You would not take this
+virtuously indignant gentleman for the uncle of a brigand, would you?
+
+Sir Howard starts. The shock is too much for him: he sits down again,
+looking very old; and his hands tremble; but his eyes and mouth are
+intrepid, resolute, and angry.
+
+LADY CICELY. Uncle! What do you mean?
+
+BRASSBOUND. Has he never told you about my mother? this fellow who puts
+on ermine and scarlet and calls himself Justice.
+
+SIR HOWARD (almost voiceless). You are the son of that woman!
+
+BRASSBOUND (fiercely). "That woman!" (He makes a movement as if to rush
+at Sir Howard.)
+
+LADY CICELY (rising quickly and putting her hand on his arm). Take care.
+You mustn't strike an old man.
+
+BRASSBOUND (raging). He did not spare my mother--"that woman," he
+calls her--because of her sex. I will not spare him because of his age.
+(Lowering his tone to one of sullen vindictiveness) But I am not going
+to strike him. (Lady Cicely releases him, and sits down, much perplexed.
+Brassbound continues, with an evil glance at Sir Howard) I shall do no
+more than justice.
+
+SIR HOWARD (recovering his voice and vigor). Justice! I think you mean
+vengeance, disguised as justice by your passions.
+
+BRASSBOUND. To many and many a poor wretch in the dock YOU have brought
+vengeance in that disguise--the vengeance of society, disguised as
+justice by ITS passions. Now the justice you have outraged meets you
+disguised as vengeance. How do you like it?
+
+SIR HOWARD. I shall meet it, I trust, as becomes an innocent man and an
+upright judge. What do you charge against me?
+
+BRASSBOUND. I charge you with the death of my mother and the theft of my
+inheritance.
+
+SIR HOWARD. As to your inheritance, sir, it was yours whenever you came
+forward to claim it. Three minutes ago I did not know of your existence.
+I affirm that most solemnly. I never knew--never dreamt--that my brother
+Miles left a son. As to your mother, her case was a hard one--perhaps
+the hardest that has come within even my experience. I mentioned it, as
+such, to Mr. Rankin, the missionary, the evening we met you. As to her
+death, you know--you MUST know--that she died in her native country,
+years after our last meeting. Perhaps you were too young to know that
+she could hardly have expected to live long.
+
+BRASSBOUND. You mean that she drank.
+
+SIR HOWARD. I did not say so. I do not think she was always accountable
+for what she did.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Yes: she was mad too; and whether drink drove her to madness
+or madness drove her to drink matters little. The question is, who drove
+her to both?
+
+SIR HOWARD. I presume the dishonest agent who seized her estate did. I
+repeat, it was a hard case--a frightful injustice. But it could not be
+remedied.
+
+BRASSBOUND. You told her so. When she would not take that false answer
+you drove her from your doors. When she exposed you in the street and
+threatened to take with her own hands the redress the law denied her,
+you had her imprisoned, and forced her to write you an apology and
+leave the country to regain her liberty and save herself from a lunatic
+asylum. And when she was gone, and dead, and forgotten, you found for
+yourself the remedy you could not find for her. You recovered the estate
+easily enough then, robber and rascal that you are. Did he tell the
+missionary that, Lady Cicely, eh?
+
+LADY CICELY (sympathetically). Poor woman! (To Sir Howard) Couldn't you
+have helped her, Howard?
+
+SIR HOWARD. No. This man may be ignorant enough to suppose that when
+I was a struggling barrister I could do everything I did when I was
+Attorney General. You know better. There is some excuse for his mother.
+She was an uneducated Brazilian, knowing nothing of English society, and
+driven mad by injustice.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Your defence--
+
+SIR HOWARD (interrupting him determinedly). I do not defend myself. I
+call on you to obey the law.
+
+BRASSBOUND. I intend to do so. The law of the Atlas Mountains is
+administered by the Sheikh Sidi el Assif. He will be here within an
+hour. He is a judge like yourself. You can talk law to him. He will give
+you both the law and the prophets.
+
+SIR HOWARD. Does he know what the power of England is?
+
+BRASSBOUND. He knows that the Mahdi killed my master Gordon, and that
+the Mahdi died in his bed and went to paradise.
+
+SIR HOWARD. Then he knows also that England's vengeance was on the
+Mahdi's track.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Ay, on the track of the railway from the Cape to Cairo. Who
+are you, that a nation should go to war for you? If you are missing,
+what will your newspapers say? A foolhardy tourist. What will your
+learned friends at the bar say? That it was time for you to make room
+for younger and better men. YOU a national hero! You had better find
+a goldfield in the Atlas Mountains. Then all the governments of Europe
+will rush to your rescue. Until then, take care of yourself; for you are
+going to see at last the hypocrisy in the sanctimonious speech of the
+judge who is sentencing you, instead of the despair in the white face of
+the wretch you are recommending to the mercy of your God.
+
+SIR HOWARD (deeply and personally offended by this slight to his
+profession, and for the first time throwing away his assumed dignity
+and rising to approach Brassbound with his fists clenched; so that Lady
+Cicely lifts one eye from her work to assure herself that the table is
+between them). I have no more to say to you, sir. I am not afraid
+of you, nor of any bandit with whom you may be in league. As to your
+property, it is ready for you as soon as you come to your senses and
+claim it as your father's heir. Commit a crime, and you will become
+an outlaw, and not only lose the property, but shut the doors of
+civilization against yourself for ever.
+
+BRASSBOUND. I will not sell my mother's revenge for ten properties.
+
+LADY CICELY (placidly). Besides, really, Howard, as the property now
+costs 150 pounds a year to keep up instead of bringing in anything, I am
+afraid it would not be of much use to him. (Brassbound stands amazed at
+this revelation.)
+
+SIR HOWARD (taken aback). I must say, Cicely, I think you might have
+chosen a more suitable moment to mention that fact.
+
+BRASSBOUND (with disgust). Agh! Trickster! Lawyer! Even the price you
+offer for your life is to be paid in false coin. (Calling) Hallo there!
+Johnson! Redbrook! Some of you there! (To Sir Howard) You ask for a
+little privacy: you shall have it. I will not endure the company of such
+a fellow--
+
+SIR HOWARD (very angry, and full of the crustiest pluck). You insult me,
+sir. You are a rascal. You are a rascal.
+
+Johnson, Redbrook, and a few others come in through the arch.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Take this man away.
+
+JOHNSON. Where are we to put him?
+
+BRASSBOUND. Put him where you please so long as you can find him when he
+is wanted.
+
+SIR HOWARD. You will be laid by the heels yet, my friend.
+
+REDBROOK (with cheerful tact). Tut tut, Sir Howard: what's the use of
+talking back? Come along: we'll make you comfortable.
+
+Sir Howard goes out through the arch between Johnson and Redbrook,
+muttering wrathfully. The rest, except Brassbound and Lady Cicely,
+follow.
+
+Brassbound walks up and down the room, nursing his indignation. In doing
+so he unconsciously enters upon an unequal contest with Lady Cicely, who
+sits quietly stitching. It soon becomes clear that a tranquil woman
+can go on sewing longer than an angry man can go on fuming. Further, it
+begins to dawn on Brassbound's wrath-blurred perception that Lady Cicely
+has at some unnoticed stage in the proceedings finished Marzo's bandage,
+and is now stitching a coat. He stops; glances at his shirtsleeves;
+finally realizes the situation.
+
+BRASSBOUND. What are you doing there, madam?
+
+LADY CICELY. Mending your coat, Captain Brassbound.
+
+BRASSBOUND. I have no recollection of asking you to take that trouble.
+
+LADY CICELY. No: I don't suppose you even knew it was torn. Some men
+are BORN untidy. You cannot very well receive Sidi el--what's his
+name?--with your sleeve half out.
+
+BRASSBOUND (disconcerted). I--I don't know how it got torn.
+
+LADY CICELY. You should not get virtuously indignant with people. It
+bursts clothes more than anything else, Mr. Hallam.
+
+BRASSBOUND (flushing, quickly). I beg you will not call me Mr. Hallam. I
+hate the name.
+
+LADY CICELY. Black Paquito is your pet name, isn't it?
+
+BRASSBOUND (huffily). I am not usually called so to my face.
+
+LADY CICELY (turning the coat a little). I'm so sorry. (She takes
+another piece of thread and puts it into her needle, looking placidly
+and reflectively upward meanwhile.) Do you know, You are wonderfully
+like your uncle.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Damnation!
+
+LADY CICELY. Eh?
+
+BRASSBOUND. If I thought my veins contained a drop of his black blood,
+I would drain them empty with my knife. I have no relations. I had a
+mother: that was all.
+
+LADY CICELY (unconvinced) I daresay you have your mother's complexion.
+But didn't you notice Sir Howard's temper, his doggedness, his high
+spirit: above all, his belief in ruling people by force, as you rule
+your men; and in revenge and punishment, just as you want to revenge
+your mother? Didn't you recognize yourself in that?
+
+BRASSBOUND (startled). Myself!--in that!
+
+LADY CECILY (returning to the tailoring question as if her last remark
+were of no consequence whatever). Did this sleeve catch you at all under
+the arm? Perhaps I had better make it a little easier for you.
+
+BRASSBOUND (irritably). Let my coat alone. It will do very well as it
+is. Put it down.
+
+LADY CICILY. Oh, don't ask me to sit doing nothing. It bores me so.
+
+BRASSBOUND. In Heaven's name then, do what you like! Only don't worry me
+with it.
+
+LADY CICELY. I'm so sorry. All the Hallams are irritable.
+
+BRASSBOUND (penning up his fury with difficulty). As I have already
+said, that remark has no application to me.
+
+LADY CICELY (resuming her stitching). That's so funny! They all hate to
+be told that they are like one another.
+
+BRASSBOUND (with the beginnings of despair in his voice). Why did you
+come here? My trap was laid for him, not for you. Do you know the danger
+you are in?
+
+LADY CICELY. There's always a danger of something or other. Do you think
+it's worth bothering about?
+
+BRASSBOUND (scolding her). Do I THINK! Do you think my coat's worth
+mending?
+
+LADY CICELY (prosaically). Oh yes: it's not so far gone as that.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Have you any feeling? Or are you a fool?
+
+LADY CICELY. I'm afraid I'm a dreadful fool. But I can't help it. I was
+made so, I suppose.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Perhaps you don't realize that your friend my good uncle
+will be pretty fortunate if he is allowed to live out his life as a
+slave with a set of chains on him?
+
+LADY CICELY. Oh, I don't know about that, Mr. H--I mean Captain
+Brassbound. Men are always thinking that they are going to do something
+grandly wicked to their enemies; but when it comes to the point, really
+bad men are just as rare as really good ones.
+
+BRASSBOUND. You forget that I am like my uncle, according to you. Have
+you any doubt as to the reality of HIS badness?
+
+LADY CICELY. Bless me! your uncle Howard is one of the most harmless
+of men--much nicer than most professional people. Of course he does
+dreadful things as a judge; but then if you take a man and pay him 5,000
+pounds a year to be wicked, and praise him for it, and have policemen
+and courts and laws and juries to drive him into it so that he can't
+help doing it, what can you expect? Sir Howard's all right when he's
+left to himself. We caught a burglar one night at Waynflete when he was
+staying with us; and I insisted on his locking the poor man up until the
+police came, in a room with a window opening on the lawn. The man came
+back next day and said he must return to a life of crime unless I gave
+him a job in the garden; and I did. It was much more sensible than
+giving him ten years penal servitude: Howard admitted it. So you see
+he's not a bit bad really.
+
+BRASSBOUND. He had a fellow feeling for a thief, knowing he was a thief
+himself. Do you forget that he sent my mother to prison?
+
+LADY CICELY (softly). Were you very fond of your poor mother, and always
+very good to her?
+
+BRASSBOUND (rather taken aback). I was not worse than other sons, I
+suppose.
+
+LADY CICELY (opening her eyes very widely). Oh! Was THAT all?
+
+BRASSBOUND (exculpating himself, full of gloomy remembrances). You don't
+understand. It was not always possible to be very tender with my mother.
+She had unfortunately a very violent temper; and she--she--
+
+LADY CICELY. Yes: so you told Howard. (With genuine pity for him) You
+must have had a very unhappy childhood.
+
+BRASSBOUND (grimily). Hell. That was what my childhood was. Hell.
+
+LADY CICELY. Do you think she would really have killed Howard, as she
+threatened, if he hadn't sent her to prison?
+
+BRASSBOUND (breaking out again, with a growing sense of being morally
+trapped). What if she did? Why did he rob her? Why did he not help her
+to get the estate, as he got it for himself afterwards?
+
+LADY CICELY. He says he couldn't, you know. But perhaps the real reason
+was that he didn't like her. You know, don't you, that if you don't like
+people you think of all the reasons for not helping them, and if you
+like them you think of all the opposite reasons.
+
+BRASSBOUND. But his duty as a brother!
+
+LADY CICELY. Are you going to do your duty as a nephew?
+
+BRASSBOUND. Don't quibble with me. I am going to do my duty as a son;
+and you know it.
+
+LADY CICELY. But I should have thought that the time for that was in
+your mother's lifetime, when you could have been kind and forbearing
+with her. Hurting your uncle won't do her any good, you know.
+
+BRASSBOUND. It will teach other scoundrels to respect widows and
+orphans. Do you forget that there is such a thing as justice?
+
+LADY CICELY (gaily shaking out the finished coat). Oh, if you are going
+to dress yourself in ermine and call yourself Justice, I give you up.
+You are just your uncle over again; only he gets £5,000 a year for it,
+and you do it for nothing.
+
+(She holds the coat up to see whether any further repairs are needed.)
+
+BRASSBOUND (sulkily). You twist my words very cleverly. But no man or
+woman has ever changed me.
+
+LADY CICELY. Dear me! That must be very nice for the people you deal
+with, because they can always depend on you; but isn't it rather
+inconvenient for yourself when you change your mind?
+
+BRASSBOUND. I never change my mind.
+
+LADY CICELY (rising with the coat in her hands). Oh! Oh!! Nothing will
+ever persuade me that you are as pigheaded as that.
+
+BRASSBOUND (offended). Pigheaded!
+
+LADY CICELY (with quick, caressing apology). No, no, no. I didn't mean
+that. Firm! Unalterable! Resolute! Ironwilled! Stonewall Jackson! That's
+the idea, isn't it?
+
+BRASSBOUND (hopelessly). You are laughing at me.
+
+LADY CICELY. No: trembling, I assure you. Now will you try this on for
+me: I'm SO afraid I have made it too tight under the arm. (She holds it
+behind him.)
+
+BRASSBOUND (obeying mechanically). You take me for a fool I think. (He
+misses the sleeve.)
+
+LADY CICELY. No: all men look foolish when they are feeling for their
+sleeves.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Agh! (He turns and snatches the coat from her; then puts it
+on himself and buttons the lowest button.)
+
+LADY CICELY (horrified). Stop. No. You must NEVER pull a coat at the
+skirts, Captain Brassbound: it spoils the sit of it. Allow me. (She
+pulls the lappels of his coat vigorously forward) Put back your
+shoulders. (He frowns, but obeys.) That's better. (She buttons the top
+button.) Now button the rest from the top down. DOES it catch you at all
+under the arm?
+
+BRASSBOUND (miserably--all resistance beaten out of him). No.
+
+LADY CICELY. That's right. Now before I go back to poor Marzo, say thank
+you to me for mending your jacket, like a nice polite sailor.
+
+BRASSBOUND (sitting down at the table in great agitation). Damn you!
+you have belittled my whole life to me. (He bows his head on his hands,
+convulsed.)
+
+LADY CICELY (quite understanding, and putting her hand kindly on his
+shoulder). Oh no. I am sure you have done lots of kind things and brave
+things, if you could only recollect them. With Gordon for instance?
+Nobody can belittle that.
+
+He looks up at her for a moment; then kisses her hand. She presses his
+and turns away with her eyes so wet that she sees Drinkwater, coming in
+through the arch just then, with a prismatic halo round him. Even when
+she sees him clearly, she hardly recognizes him; for he is ludicrously
+clean and smoothly brushed; and his hair, formerly mud color, is now a
+lively red.
+
+DRINKWATER. Look eah, kepn. (Brassbound springs up and recovers himself
+quickly.) Eahs the bloomin Shike jest appeahd on the orawzn wiv abaht
+fifty men. Thy'll be eah insawd o ten minnits, they will.
+
+LADY CICELY. The Sheikh!
+
+BRASSBOUND. Sidi el Assif and fifty men! (To Lady Cicely) You were too
+late: I gave you up my vengeance when it was no longer in my hand. (To
+Drinkwater) Call all hands to stand by and shut the gates. Then all here
+to me for orders; and bring the prisoner.
+
+DRINKWATER. Rawt, kepn. (He runs out.)
+
+LADY CICELY. Is there really any danger for Howard?
+
+BRASSBOUND. Yes. Danger for all of us unless I keep to my bargain with
+this fanatic.
+
+LADY CICELY. What bargain?
+
+BRASSBOUND. I pay him so much a head for every party I escort through to
+the interior. In return he protects me and lets my caravans alone. But
+I have sworn an oath to him to take only Jews and true believers--no
+Christians, you understand.
+
+LADY CICELY. Then why did you take us?
+
+BRASSBOUND. I took my uncle on purpose--and sent word to Sidi that he
+was here.
+
+LADY CICELY. Well, that's a pretty kettle of fish, isn't it?
+
+BRASSBOUND. I will do what I can to save him--and you. But I fear my
+repentance has come too late, as repentance usually does.
+
+LADY CICELY (cheerfully). Well, I must go and look after Marzo, at all
+events. (She goes out through the little door. Johnson, Redbrook and the
+rest come in through the arch, with Sir Howard, still very crusty and
+determined. He keeps close to Johnson, who comes to Brassbound's right,
+Redbrook taking the other side.)
+
+BRASSBOUND. Where's Drinkwater?
+
+JOHNSON. On the lookout. Look here, Capn: we don't half like this job.
+The gentleman has been talking to us a bit; and we think that he IS a
+gentleman, and talks straight sense.
+
+REDBROOK. Righto, Brother Johnson. (To Brassbound) Won't do, governor.
+Not good enough.
+
+BRASSBOUND (fiercely). Mutiny, eh?
+
+REDBROOK. Not at all, governor. Don't talk Tommy rot with Brother Sidi
+only five minutes gallop off. Can't hand over an Englishman to a nigger
+to have his throat cut.
+
+BRASSBOUND (unexpectedly acquiescing). Very good. You know, I suppose,
+that if you break my bargain with Sidi, you'll have to defend this place
+and fight for your lives in five minutes. That can't be done without
+discipline: you know that too. I'll take my part with the rest under
+whatever leader you are willing to obey. So choose your captain and look
+sharp about it. (Murmurs of surprise and discontent.)
+
+VOICES. No, no. Brassbound must command.
+
+BRASSBOUND. You're wasting your five minutes. Try Johnson.
+
+JOHNSON. No. I haven't the head for it.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Well, Redbrook.
+
+REDBROOK. Not this Johnny, thank you. Haven't character enough.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Well, there's Sir Howard Hallam for You! HE has character
+enough.
+
+A VOICE. He's too old.
+
+ALL. No, no. Brassbound, Brassbound.
+
+JOHNSON. There's nobody but you, Captain.
+
+REDRROOK. The mutiny's over, governor. You win, hands down.
+
+BRASSBOUND (turning on them). Now listen, you, all of you. If I am to
+command here, I am going to do what I like, not what you like. I'll give
+this gentleman here to Sidi or to the devil if I choose. I'll not be
+intimidated or talked back to. Is that understood?
+
+REDBROOK (diplomatically). He's offered a present of five hundred quid
+if he gets safe back to Mogador, governor. Excuse my mentioning it.
+
+SIR HOWARD. Myself AND Lady Cicely.
+
+BRASSBOUND. What! A judge compound a felony! You greenhorns, he is more
+likely to send you all to penal servitude if you are fools enough to
+give him the chance.
+
+VOICES. So he would. Whew! (Murmurs of conviction.)
+
+REDBROOK. Righto, governor. That's the ace of trumps.
+
+BRASSBOUND (to Sir Howard). Now, have you any other card to play? Any
+other bribe? Any other threat? Quick. Time presses.
+
+SIR HOWARD. My life is in the hands of Providence. Do your worst.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Or my best. I still have that choice.
+
+DRINKWATER (running in). Look eah, kepn. Eah's anather lot cammin from
+the sahth heast. Hunnerds of em, this tawm. The owl dezzit is lawk a
+bloomin Awd Pawk demonstrition. Aw blieve it's the Kidy from Kintorfy.
+(General alarm. All look to Brassbound.)
+
+BRASSBOUND (eagerly). The Cadi! How far off?
+
+DRINKWATER. Matter o two mawl.
+
+BRASSBOUND. We're saved. Open the gates to the Sheikh.
+
+DRINKWATER (appalled, almost in tears). Naow, naow. Lissn, kepn
+(Pointing to Sir Howard): e'll give huz fawv unnerd red uns. (To the
+others) Ynt yer spowk to im, Miste Jornsn--Miste Redbrook--
+
+BRASSBOUND (cutting him short). Now then, do you understand plain
+English? Johnson and Redbrook: take what men you want and open the gates
+to the Sheikh. Let him come straight to me. Look alive, will you.
+
+JOHNSON. Ay ay, sir.
+
+REDBROOK. Righto, governor.
+
+They hurry out, with a few others. Drinkwater stares after them,
+dumbfounded by their obedience.
+
+BRASSBOUND (taking out a pistol). You wanted to sell me to my prisoner,
+did you, you dog.
+
+DRINKWATER (falling on his knees with a yell). Naow! (Brassbound turns
+on him as if to kick him. He scrambles away and takes refuge behind Sir
+Howard.)
+
+BRASSBOUND. Sir Howard Hallam: you have one chance left. The Cadi of
+Kintafi stands superior to the Sheikh as the responsible governor of the
+whole province. It is the Cadi who will be sacrificed by the Sultan if
+England demands satisfaction for any injury to you. If we can hold the
+Sheikh in parley until the Cadi arrives, you may frighten the Cadi into
+forcing the Sheikh to release you. The Cadi's coming is a lucky chance
+for YOU.
+
+SIR HOWARD. If it were a real chance, you would not tell me of it. Don't
+try to play cat and mouse with me, man.
+
+DRINKWATER (aside to Sir Howard, as Brassbound turns contemptuously away
+to the other side of the room). It ynt mach of a chawnst, Sr Ahrd. But
+if there was a ganbowt in Mogador Awbr, awd put a bit on it, aw would.
+
+Johnson, Redbrook, and the others return, rather mistrustfully ushering
+in Sidi el Assif, attended by Osman and a troop of Arabs. Brassbound's
+men keep together on the archway side, backing their captain. Sidi's
+followers cross the room behind the table and assemble near Sir Howard,
+who stands his ground. Drinkwater runs across to Brassbound and stands
+at his elbow as he turns to face Sidi.
+
+Sidi el Aasif, clad in spotless white, is a nobly handsome Arab, hardly
+thirty, with fine eyes, bronzed complexion, and instinctively dignified
+carriage. He places himself between the two groups, with Osman in
+attendance at his right hand.
+
+OSMAN (pointing out Sir Howard). This is the infidel Cadi. (Sir Howard
+bows to Sidi, but, being an infidel, receives only the haughtiest stare
+in acknowledgement.) This (pointing to Brassbound) is Brassbound the
+Franguestani captain, the servant of Sidi.
+
+DRINKWATER (not to be outdone, points out the Sheikh and Osman to
+Brassbound). This eah is the Commawnder of the Fythful an is Vizzeer
+Rosman.
+
+SIDI. Where is the woman?
+
+OSMAN. The shameless one is not here.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Sidi el Assif, kinsman of the Prophet: you are welcome.
+
+REDBROOK (with much aplomb). There is no majesty and no might save in
+Allah, the Glorious, the Great!
+
+DRINKWATER. Eah, eah!
+
+OSMAN (to Sidi). The servant of the captain makes his profession of
+faith as a true believer.
+
+SIDI. It is well.
+
+BRASSBOUND (aside to Redbrook). Where did you pick that up?
+
+REDRROOK (aside to Brassbound). Captain Burton's Arabian Nights--copy in
+the library of the National Liberal Club.
+
+LADY CICELY (calling without). Mr. Drinkwater. Come and help me with
+Marzo. (The Sheikh pricks up his ears. His nostrils and eyes expand.)
+
+OSMAN. The shameless one!
+
+BRASSBOUND (to Drinkwater, seizing him by the collar and slinging him
+towards the door). Off with you.
+
+Drinkwater goes out through the little door.
+
+OSMAN. Shall we hide her face before she enters?
+
+SIDI. NO.
+
+Lady Cicely, who has resumed her travelling equipment, and has her hat
+slung across her arm, comes through the little door supporting Marzo,
+who is very white, but able to get about. Drinkwater has his other arm.
+Redbrook hastens to relieve Lady Cicely of Marzo, taking him into the
+group behind Brassbound. Lady Cicely comes forward between Brassbound
+and the Sheikh, to whom she turns affably.
+
+LADY CICELY (proffering her hand). Sidi el Assif, isn't it? How dye do?
+(He recoils, blushing somewhat.)
+
+OSMAN (scandalized). Woman; touch not the kinsman of the Prophet.
+
+LADY CICELY. Oh, I see. I'm being presented at court. Very good. (She
+makes a presentation curtsey.)
+
+REDBROOK. Sidi el Assif: this is one of the mighty women Sheikhs of
+Franguestan. She goes unveiled among Kings; and only princes may touch
+her hand.
+
+LADY CICELY. Allah upon thee, Sidi el Assif! Be a good little Sheikh,
+and shake hands.
+
+SIDI (timidly touching her hand). Now this is a wonderful thing, and
+worthy to be chronicled with the story of Solomon and the Queen of
+Sheba. Is it not so, Osman Ali?
+
+OSMAN. Allah upon thee, master! it is so.
+
+SIDI. Brassbound Ali: the oath of a just man fulfils itself without many
+words. The infidel Cadi, thy captive, falls to my share.
+
+BRASSBOUND (firmly). It cannot be, Sidi el Assif. (Sidi's brows contract
+gravely.) The price of his blood will be required of our lord the
+Sultan. I will take him to Morocco and deliver him up there.
+
+SIDI (impressively). Brassbound: I am in mine own house and amid mine
+own people. I am the Sultan here. Consider what you say; for when my
+word goes forth for life or death, it may not be recalled.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Sidi el Assif: I will buy the man from you at what price you
+choose to name; and if I do not pay faithfully, you shall take my head
+for his.
+
+SIDI. It is well. You shall keep the man, and give me the woman in
+payment.
+
+SIR HOWARD AND BRASSBOUND (with the same impulse). No, no.
+
+LADY CICELY (eagerly). Yes, yes. Certainly, Mr. Sidi. Certainly.
+
+Sidi smiles gravely.
+
+SIR HOWARD. Impossible.
+
+BRASSBOUND. You don't know what you're doing.
+
+LADY CICELY. Oh, don't I? I've not crossed Africa and stayed with six
+cannibal chiefs for nothing. (To the Sheikh) It's all right, Mr. Sidi: I
+shall be delighted.
+
+SIR HOWARD. You are mad. Do you suppose this man will treat you as a
+European gentleman would?
+
+LADY CICELY. No: he'll treat me like one of Nature's gentlemen: look at
+his perfectly splendid face! (Addressing Osman as if he were her oldest
+and most attached retainer.) Osman: be sure you choose me a good horse;
+and get a nice strong camel for my luggage.
+
+Osman, after a moment of stupefaction, hurries out. Lady Cicely puts
+on her hat and pins it to her hair, the Sheikh gazing at her during the
+process with timid admiration.
+
+DRINKWATER (chuckling). She'll mawch em all to church next Sunder lawk a
+bloomin lot o' cherrity kids: you see if she doesn't.
+
+LADY CICELY (busily). Goodbye, Howard: don't be anxious about me; and
+above all, don't bring a parcel of men with guns to rescue me. I
+shall be all right now that I am getting away from the escort. Captain
+Brassbound: I rely on you to see that Sir Howard gets safe to Mogador.
+(Whispering) Take your hand off that pistol. (He takes his hand out of
+his pocket, reluctantly.) Goodbye.
+
+A tumult without. They all turn apprehensively to the arch. Osman rushes
+in.
+
+OSMAN. The Cadi, the Cadi. He is in anger. His men are upon us. Defend--
+
+The Cadi, a vigorous, fatfeatured, choleric, whitehaired and bearded
+elder, rushes in, cudgel in hand, with an overwhelming retinue, and
+silences Osman with a sounding thwack. In a moment the back of the room
+is crowded with his followers. The Sheikh retreats a little towards his
+men; and the Cadi comes impetuously forward between him and Lady Cicely.
+
+THE CADI. Now woe upon thee, Sidi el Assif, thou child of mischief!
+
+SIDI (sternly). Am I a dog, Muley Othman, that thou speakest thus to me?
+
+THE CADI. Wilt thou destroy thy country, and give us all into the hands
+of them that set the sea on fire but yesterday with their ships of war?
+Where are the Franguestani captives?
+
+LADY CICELY. Here we are, Cadi. How dye do?
+
+THE CADI. Allah upon thee, thou moon at the full! Where is thy kinsman,
+the Cadi of Franguestan? I am his friend, his servant. I come on behalf
+of my master the Sultan to do him honor, and to cast down his enemies.
+
+SIR HOWARD. You are very good, I am sure.
+
+SIDI (graver than ever). Muley Othman--
+
+TAE CADI (fumbling in his breast). Peace, peace, thou inconsiderate one.
+(He takes out a letter.)
+
+BRASSBOUND. Cadi--
+
+THE CADI. Oh thou dog, thou, thou accursed Brassbound, son of a wanton:
+it is thou hast led Sidi el Assif into this wrongdoing. Read this
+writing that thou hast brought upon me from the commander of the
+warship.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Warship! (He takes the letter and opens it, his men
+whispering to one another very low-spiritedly meanwhile.)
+
+REDBROOK. Warship! Whew!
+
+JOHNSON. Gunboat, praps.
+
+DRINKWATER. Lawk bloomin Worterleoo buses, they are, on this cowst.
+
+Brassbound folds up the letter, looking glum.
+
+SIR HOWARD (sharply). Well, sir, are we not to have the benefit of that
+letter? Your men are waiting to hear it, I think.
+
+BRASSBOUND. It is not a British ship. (Sir Howard's face falls.)
+
+LADY CICELY. What is it, then?
+
+BRASSBOUND. An American cruiser. The Santiago.
+
+THE CADI (tearing his beard). Woe! alas! it is where they set the sea on
+fire.
+
+SIDI. Peace, Muley Othman: Allah is still above us.
+
+JOHNSON. Would you mind readin it to us, capn?
+
+BRASSBOUND (grimly). Oh, I'll read it to you. "Mogador Harbor. 26 Sept.
+1899. Captain Hamlin Kearney, of the cruiser Santiago, presents the
+compliments of the United States to the Cadi Muley Othman el Kintafi,
+and announces that he is coming to look for the two British travellers
+Sir Howard Hallam and Lady Cicely Waynflete, in the Cadi's jurisdiction.
+As the search will be conducted with machine guns, the prompt return of
+the travellers to Mogador Harbor will save much trouble to all parties."
+
+THE CADI. As I live, O Cadi, and thou, moon of loveliness, ye shall be
+led back to Mogador with honor. And thou, accursed Brassbound, shall go
+thither a prisoner in chains, thou and thy people. (Brassbound and his
+men make a movement to defend themselves.) Seize them.
+
+LADY CICELY. Oh, please don't fight. (Brassbound, seeing that his men
+are hopelessly outnumbered, makes no resistance. They are made prisoners
+by the Cadi's followers.)
+
+SIDI (attempting to draw his scimitar). The woman is mine: I will not
+forego her. (He is seized and overpowered after a Homeric struggle.)
+
+SIR HOWARD (drily). I told you you were not in a strong position,
+Captain Brassbound. (Looking implacably at him.) You are laid by the
+heels, my friend, as I said you would be.
+
+LADY CICELY. But I assure you--
+
+BRASSBOUND (interrupting her). What have you to assure him of? You
+persuaded me to spare him. Look at his face. Will you be able to
+persuade him to spare me?
+
+
+
+
+ACT III
+
+Torrid forenoon filtered through small Moorish windows high up in the
+adobe walls of the largest room in Leslie Rankin's house. A clean
+cool room, with the table (a Christian article) set in the middle, a
+presidentially elbowed chair behind it, and an inkstand and paper ready
+for the sitter. A couple of cheap American chairs right and left of the
+table, facing the same way as the presidential chair, give a judicial
+aspect to the arrangement. Rankin is placing a little tray with a jug
+and some glasses near the inkstand when Lady Cicely's voice is heard at
+the door, which is behind him in the corner to his right.
+
+LADE CICELY. Good morning. May I come in?
+
+RANKIN. Certainly. (She comes in, to the nearest end of the table. She
+has discarded all travelling equipment, and is dressed exactly as she
+might be in Surrey on a very hot day.) Sit ye doon, Leddy Ceecily.
+
+LADY CICELY (sitting down). How nice you've made the room for the
+inquiry!
+
+RANKIN (doubtfully). I could wish there were more chairs. Yon American
+captain will preside in this; and that leaves but one for Sir Howrrd and
+one for your leddyship. I could almost be tempted to call it a maircy
+that your friend that owns the yacht has sprained his ankle and cannot
+come. I misdoubt me it will not look judeecial to have Captain Kearney's
+officers squatting on the floor.
+
+LADY CICELY. Oh, they won't mind. What about the prisoners?
+
+RANKIN. They are to be broat here from the town gaol presently.
+
+LADY CICELY. And where is that silly old Cadi, and my handsome Sheikh
+Sidi? I must see them before the inquiry,or they'll give Captain Kearney
+quite a false impression of what happened.
+
+RANKIN. But ye cannot see them. They decamped last night, back to their
+castles in the Atlas.
+
+LADY CICELY (delighted). No!
+
+RANKIN. Indeed and they did. The poor Cadi is so terrified by all he
+has haird of the destruction of the Spanish fleet, that he daren't trust
+himself in the captain's hands. (Looking reproachfully at her) On your
+journey back here, ye seem to have frightened the poor man yourself,
+Leddy Ceecily, by talking to him about the fanatical Chreestianity of
+the Americans. Ye have largely yourself to thank if he's gone.
+
+LADY CICELY. Allah be praised! WHAT a weight off our minds, Mr. Rankin!
+
+RANKIN (puzzled). And why? Do ye not understand how necessary their
+evidence is?
+
+LADY CICELY. THEIR evidence! It would spoil everything. They would
+perjure themselves out of pure spite against poor Captain Brassbound.
+
+RANKIN (amazed). Do ye call him POOR Captain Brassbound! Does not your
+leddyship know that this Brasshound is--Heaven forgive me for judging
+him!--a precious scoundrel? Did ye not hear what Sir Howrrd told me on
+the yacht last night?
+
+LADY CICELY. All a mistake, Mr. Rankin: all a mistake, I assure you.
+You said just now, Heaven forgive you for judging him! Well, that's just
+what the whole quarrel is about. Captain Brassbound is just like you:
+he thinks we have no right to judge one another; and its Sir Howard gets
+£5,000 a year for doing nothing else but judging people, he thinks poor
+Captain Brassbound a regular Anarchist. They quarreled dreadfully at
+the castle. You mustn't mind what Sir Howard says about him: you really
+mustn't.
+
+RANKIN. But his conduct--
+
+LADY CICELY. Perfectly saintly, Mr. Rankin. Worthy of yourself in your
+best moments. He forgave Sir Howard, and did all he could to save him.
+
+RANKIN. Ye astoanish me, Leddy Ceecily.
+
+LADY CICELY. And think of the temptation to behave badly when he had us
+all there helpless!
+
+RANKIN. The temptation! ay: that's true. Ye're ower bonny to be cast
+away among a parcel o lone, lawless men, my leddy.
+
+LADY CICELY (naively). Bless me, that's quite true; and I never thought
+of it! Oh, after that you really must do all you can to help Captain
+Brassbound.
+
+RANKIN (reservedly). No: I cannot say that, Leddy Ceecily. I doubt he
+has imposed on your good nature and sweet disposeetion. I had a crack
+with the Cadi as well as with Sir Howrrd; and there is little question in
+my mind but that Captain Brassbound is no better than a breegand.
+
+LADY CICELY (apparently deeply impressed). I wonder whether he can be,
+Mr. Rankin. If you think so, that's heavily against him in my opinion,
+because you have more knowledge of men than anyone else here. Perhaps
+I'm mistaken. I only thought you might like to help him as the son of
+your old friend.
+
+RANKIN (startled). The son of my old friend! What d'ye mean?
+
+LADY CICELY. Oh! Didn't Sir Howard tell you that? Why, Captain
+Brassbound turns out to be Sir Howard's nephew, the son of the brother
+you knew.
+
+RANKIN (overwhelmed). I saw the likeness the night he came here! It's
+true: it's true. Uncle and nephew!
+
+LADY CICELY. Yes: that's why they quarrelled so.
+
+RANKIN (with a momentary sense of ill usage). I think Sir Howrrd might
+have told me that.
+
+LADY CICELY. Of course he OUGHT to have told you. You see he only tells
+one side of the story. That comes from his training as a barrister. You
+mustn't think he's naturally deceitful: if he'd been brought up as a
+clergyman, he'd have told you the whole truth as a matter of course.
+
+RANKIN (too much perturbed to dwell on his grievance). Leddy Ceecily: I
+must go to the prison and see the lad. He may have been a bit wild; but
+I can't leave poor Miles's son unbefriended in a foreign gaol.
+
+LADY CICELY (rising, radiant). Oh, how good of you! You have a real kind
+heart of gold, Mr. Rankin. Now, before you go, shall we just put our
+heads together, and consider how to give Miles's son every chance--I
+mean of course every chance that he ought to have.
+
+RANKIN (rather addled). I am so confused by this astoanishing news--
+
+LADY CICELY. Yes, yes: of course you are. But don't you think he would
+make a better impression on the American captain if he were a little
+more respectably dressed?
+
+RANKIN. Mebbe. But how can that be remedied here in Mogador?
+
+LADY CICELY. Oh, I've thought of that. You know I'm going back to
+England by way of Rome, Mr. Rankin; and I'm bringing a portmanteau full
+of clothes for my brother there: he's ambassador, you know, and has to
+be VERY particular as to what he wears. I had the portmanteau brought
+here this morning. Now WOULD you mind taking it to the prison, and
+smartening up Captain Brassbound a little. Tell him he ought to do it to
+show his respect for me; and he will. It will be quite easy: there are
+two Krooboys waiting to carry the portmanteau. You will: I know you
+will. (She edges him to the door.) And do you think there is time to get
+him shaved?
+
+RANKIN (succumbing, half bewildered). I'll do my best.
+
+LADY CICELY. I know you will. (As he is going out) Oh! one word, Mr.
+Rankin. (He comes back.) The Cadi didn't know that Captain Brassbound
+was Sir Howard's nephew, did he?
+
+RANKIN. No.
+
+LADY CICELY. Then he must have misunderstood everything quite
+dreadfully. I'm afraid, Mr. Rankin--though you know best, of
+course--that we are bound not to repeat anything at the inquiry that the
+Cadi said. He didn't know, you see.
+
+RANKIN (cannily). I take your point, Leddy Ceecily. It alters the case.
+I shall certainly make no allusion to it.
+
+LADY CICELY (magnanimously). Well, then, I won't either. There! They
+shake hands on it. Sir Howard comes in.
+
+SIR HOWARD. Good morning Mr. Rankin. I hope you got home safely from the
+yacht last night.
+
+RANKIN. Quite safe, thank ye, Sir Howrrd.
+
+LADY CICELY. Howard, he's in a hurry. Don't make him stop to talk.
+
+SIR HOWARD. Very good, very good. (He comes to the table and takes Lady
+Cicely's chair.)
+
+RANKIN. Oo revoir, Leddy Ceecily.
+
+LADY CICELY. Bless you, Mr. Rankin. (Rankin goes out. She comes to
+the other end of the table, looking at Sir Howard with a troubled,
+sorrowfully sympathetic air, but unconsciously making her right hand
+stalk about the table on the tips of its fingers in a tentative stealthy
+way which would put Sir Howard on his guard if he were in a suspicious
+frame of mind, which, as it happens, he is not.) I'm so sorry for you,
+Howard, about this unfortunate inquiry.
+
+SIR HOWARD (swinging round on his chair, astonished). Sorry for ME! Why?
+
+LADY CICELY. It will look so dreadful. Your own nephew, you know.
+
+SIR HOWARD. Cicely: an English judge has no nephews, no sons even, when
+he has to carry out the law.
+
+LADY CICELY. But then he oughtn't to have any property either. People
+will never understand about the West Indian Estate. They'll think you're
+the wicked uncle out of the Babes in the Wood. (With a fresh gush of
+compassion) I'm so SO sorry for you.
+
+SIR HOWARD (rather stiffly). I really do not see how I need your
+commiseration, Cicely. The woman was an impossible person, half mad,
+half drunk. Do you understand what such a creature is when she has a
+grievance, and imagines some innocent person to be the author of it?
+
+LADY CICELY (with a touch of impatience). Oh, quite. THAT'll be made
+clear enough. I can see it all in the papers already: our half mad,
+half drunk sister-in-law, making scenes with you in the street, with the
+police called in, and prison and all the rest of it. The family will
+be furious. (Sir Howard quails. She instantly follows up her advantage
+with) Think of papa!
+
+SIR HOWARD. I shall expect Lord Waynflete to look at the matter as a
+reasonable man.
+
+LADY CICELY. Do you think he's so greatly changed as that, Howard?
+
+SIR HOWARD (falling back on the fatalism of the depersonalized public
+man). My dear Cicely: there is no use discussing the matter. It cannot
+be helped, however disagreeable it may be.
+
+LADY CICELY. Of course not. That's what's so dreadful. Do you think
+people will understand?
+
+SIR HOWARD. I really cannot say. Whether they do or not, I cannot help
+it.
+
+LADY CICELY. If you were anybody but a judge, it wouldn't matter so
+much. But a judge mustn't even be misunderstood. (Despairingly) Oh, it's
+dreadful, Howard: it's terrible! What would poor Mary say if she were
+alive now?
+
+SIR HOWARD (with emotion). I don't think, Cicely, that my dear wife
+would misunderstand me.
+
+LADY CICELY. No: SHE'D know you mean well. And when you came home and
+said, "Mary: I've just told all the world that your sister-in-law was a
+police court criminal, and that I sent her to prison; and your nephew is
+a brigand, and I'm sending HIM to prison." she'd have thought it must be
+all right because you did it. But you don't think she would have LIKED
+it, any more than papa and the rest of us, do you?
+
+SIR HOWARD (appalled). But what am I to do? Do you ask me to compound a
+felony?
+
+LADY CICELY (sternly). Certainly not. I would not allow such a thing,
+even if you were wicked enough to attempt it. No. What I say is, that
+you ought not to tell the story yourself
+
+SIR HOWARD. Why?
+
+LADY CICELY. Because everybody would say you are such a clever lawyer
+you could make a poor simple sailor like Captain Kearney believe
+anything. The proper thing for you to do, Howard, is to let ME tell the
+exact truth. Then you can simply say that you are bound to confirm me.
+Nobody can blame you for that.
+
+SIR HOWARD (looking suspiciously at her). Cicely: you are up to some
+devilment.
+
+LADY CICELY (promptly washing her hands of his interests). Oh, very
+well. Tell the story yourself, in your own clever way. I only proposed
+to tell the exact truth. You call that devilment. So it is, I daresay,
+from a lawyer's point of view.
+
+SIR HOWARD. I hope you're not offended.
+
+LADY CICELY (with the utmost goodhumor). My dear Howard, not a bit. Of
+course you're right: you know how these things ought to be done. I'll do
+exactly what you tell me, and confirm everything you say.
+
+SIR HOWARD (alarmed by the completeness of his victory). Oh, my dear,
+you mustn't act in MY interest. You must give your evidence with
+absolute impartiality. (She nods, as if thoroughly impressed and
+reproved, and gazes at him with the steadfast candor peculiar to liars
+who read novels. His eyes turn to the ground; and his brow clouds
+perplexedly. He rises; rubs his chin nervously with his forefinger; and
+adds) I think, perhaps, on reflection, that there is something to be
+said for your proposal to relieve me of the very painful duty of telling
+what has occurred.
+
+LADI CICELY (holding off). But you'd do it so very much better.
+
+SIR HOWARD. For that very reason, perhaps, it had better come from you.
+
+LADY CICELY (reluctantly). Well, if you'd rather.
+
+SIR HOWARD. But mind, Cicely, the exact truth.
+
+LADY CICELY (with conviction). The exact truth. (They shake hands on
+it.)
+
+SIR HOWARD (holding her hand). Fiat justitia: ruat coelum!
+
+LADY CICELY. Let Justice be done, though the ceiling fall.
+
+An American bluejacket appears at the door.
+
+BLUEJACKET. Captain Kearney's cawmpliments to Lady Waynflete; and may he
+come in?
+
+LADY CICELY. Yes. By all means. Where are the prisoners?
+
+BLUEJACKET. Party gawn to the jail to fetch em, marm.
+
+LADY CICELY. Thank you. I should like to be told when they are coming,
+if I might.
+
+BLUEJACKET. You shall so, marm. (He stands aside, saluting, to admit his
+captain, and goes out.)
+
+Captain Hamlin Kearney is a robustly built western American, with the
+keen, squeezed, wind beaten eyes and obstinately enduring mouth of his
+profession. A curious ethnological specimen, with all the nations of
+the old world at war in his veins, he is developing artificially in
+the direction of sleekness and culture under the restraints of an
+overwhelming dread of European criticism, and climatically in the
+direction of the indiginous North American, who is already in possession
+of his hair, his cheekbones, and the manlier instincts in him, which
+the sea has rescued from civilization. The world, pondering on the great
+part of its own future which is in his hands, contemplates him with
+wonder as to what the devil he will evolve into in another century or
+two. Meanwhile he presents himself to Lady Cicely as a blunt sailor who
+has something to say to her concerning her conduct which he wishes to
+put politely, as becomes an officer addressing a lady, but also with an
+emphatically implied rebuke, as an American addressing an English person
+who has taken a liberty.
+
+LADY CICELY (as he enters). So glad you've come, Captain Kearney.
+
+KEARNEY (coming between Sir Howard and Lady Cicely). When we parted
+yesterday ahfternoon, Lady Waynflete, I was unaware that in the
+course of your visit to my ship you had entirely altered the sleeping
+arrangements of my stokers. I thahnk you. As captain of the ship, I
+am customairily cawnsulted before the orders of English visitors are
+carried out; but as your alterations appear to cawndooce to the comfort
+of the men, I have not interfered with them.
+
+LADY CICELY. How clever of you to find out! I believe you know every
+bolt in that ship.
+
+Kearney softens perceptibly.
+
+SIR HOWARD. I am really very sorry that my sister-in-law has taken so
+serious a liberty, Captain Kearney. It is a mania of hers--simply a
+mania. Why did your men pay any attention to her?
+
+KEARNEY (with gravely dissembled humor). Well, I ahsked that question
+too. I said, Why did you obey that lady's orders instead of waiting for
+mine? They said they didn't see exactly how they could refuse. I ahsked
+whether they cawnsidered that discipline. They said, Well, sir, will you
+talk to the lady yourself next time?
+
+LADY CICELY. I'm so sorry. But you know, Captain, the one thing that one
+misses on board a man-of-war is a woman.
+
+KEARNEY. We often feel that deprivation verry keenly, Lady Waynflete.
+
+LADY CICELY. My uncle is first Lord of the Admiralty; and I am always
+telling him what a scandal it is that an English captain should be
+forbidden to take his wife on board to look after the ship.
+
+KEARNEY. Stranger still, Lady Waynflete, he is not forbidden to take any
+other lady. Yours is an extraordinairy country--to an Amerrican.
+
+LADY CICELY. But it's most serious, Captain. The poor men go melancholy
+mad, and ram each other's ships and do all sorts of things.
+
+SIR HOWARD. Cicely: I beg you will not talk nonsense to Captain Kearney.
+Your ideas on some subjects are really hardly decorous.
+
+LADY CICELY (to Kearney). That's what English people are like, Captain
+Kearney. They won't hear of anything concerning you poor sailors except
+Nelson and Trafalgar. YOU understand me, don't you?
+
+KEARNEY (gallantly). I cawnsider that you have more sense in your
+wedding ring finger than the British Ahdmiralty has in its whole
+cawnstitootion, Lady Waynflete.
+
+LADY CICELY. Of course I have. Sailors always understand things.
+
+The bluejacket reappears.
+
+BLUEJACKET (to Lady Cicely). Prisoners coming up the hill, marm.
+
+KEARNEY (turning sharply on him). Who sent you in to say that?
+
+BLUEJACKET (calmly). British lady's orders, sir. (He goes out,
+unruffled, leaving Kearney dumbfounded.)
+
+SIR HOWARD (contemplating Kearney's expression with dismay). I am really
+very sorry, Captain Kearney. I am quite aware that Lady Cicely has no
+right whatever to give orders to your men.
+
+LADY CICELY. I didn't give orders: I just asked him. He has such a nice
+face! Don't you think so, Captain Kearney? (He gasps, speechless.) And
+now will you excuse me a moment. I want to speak to somebody before the
+inquiry begins. (She hurries out.)
+
+KEARNEY. There is sertnly a wonderful chahrn about the British
+aristocracy, Sir Howard Hallam. Are they all like that? (He takes the
+presidential chair.)
+
+SIR HOWARD (resuming his seat on Kearney's right). Fortunately not,
+Captain Kearney. Half a dozen such women would make an end of law in
+England in six months.
+
+The bluejacket comes to the door again.
+
+BLUEJACKET. All ready, sir.
+
+KEARNEY. Verry good. I'm waiting.
+
+The bluejacket turns and intimates this to those without.
+
+The officers of the Santiago enter.
+
+SIR HOWARD (rising and bobbing to them in a judicial manner). Good
+morning, gentlemen.
+
+They acknowledge the greeting rather shyly, bowing or touching their
+caps, and stand in a group behind Kearney.
+
+KEARNEY (to Sir Howard). You will be glahd to hear that I have a verry
+good account of one of our prisoners from our chahplain, who visited
+them in the gaol. He has expressed a wish to be cawnverted to
+Episcopalianism.
+
+SIR HOWARD (drily). Yes, I think I know him.
+
+KEARNEY. Bring in the prisoners.
+
+BLUEJACKET (at the door). They are engaged with the British lady, sir.
+Shall I ask her--
+
+KEARNEY (jumping up and exploding in storm piercing tones). Bring in the
+prisoners. Tell the lady those are my orders. Do you hear? Tell her so.
+(The bluejacket goes out dubiously. The officers look at one another in
+mute comment on the unaccountable pepperiness of their commander.)
+
+SIR HOWARD (suavely). Mr. Rankin will be present, I presume.
+
+KEARNEY (angrily). Rahnkin! Who is Rahnkin?
+
+SIR HOWARD. Our host the missionary.
+
+KEARNEY (subsiding unwillingly). Oh! Rahnkin, is he? He'd better look
+sharp or he'll be late. (Again exploding.) What are they doing with
+those prisoners?
+
+Rankin hurries in, and takes his place near Sir Howard.
+
+SIR HOWARD. This is Mr. Rankin, Captain Kearney.
+
+RANKIN. Excuse my delay, Captain Kearney. The leddy sent me on an
+errand. (Kearney grunts.) I thought I should be late. But the first
+thing I heard when I arrived was your officer giving your compliments to
+Leddy Ceecily, and would she kindly allow the prisoners to come in, as
+you were anxious to see her again. Then I knew I was in time.
+
+KEARNEY. Oh, that was it, was it? May I ask, sir, did you notice any
+sign on Lady Waynflete's part of cawmplying with that verry moderate
+request?
+
+LADY CICELY (outside). Coming, coming.
+
+The prisoners are brought in by a guard of armed bluejackets.
+
+Drinkwater first, again elaborately clean, and conveying by a virtuous
+and steadfast smirk a cheerful confidence in his innocence. Johnson
+solid and inexpressive, Redbrook unconcerned and debonair, Marzo uneasy.
+These four form a little group together on the captain's left. The rest
+wait unintelligently on Providence in a row against the wall on the
+same side, shepherded by the bluejackets. The first bluejacket, a petty
+officer, posts himself on the captain's right, behind Rankin and Sir
+Howard. Finally Brassbound appears with Lady Cicely on his arm. He is
+in fashionable frock coat and trousers, spotless collar and cuffs,
+and elegant boots. He carries a glossy tall hat in his hand. To an
+unsophisticated eye, the change is monstrous and appalling; and its
+effect on himself is so unmanning that he is quite out of countenance--a
+shaven Samson. Lady Cicely, however, is greatly pleased with it; and the
+rest regard it as an unquestionable improvement. The officers fall back
+gallantly to allow her to pass. Kearney rises to receive her, and stares
+with some surprise at Brassbound as he stops at the table on his left.
+Sir Howard rises punctiliously when Kearney rises and sits when he sits.
+
+KEARNEY. Is this another gentleman of your party, Lady Waynflete? I
+presume I met you lahst night, sir, on board the yacht.
+
+BRASSBOUND. No. I am your prisoner. My name is Brassbound.
+
+DRINKWATER (officiously). Kepn Brarsbahnd, of the schooner Thenksgiv--
+
+REDBROOK (hastily). Shut up, you fool. (He elbows Drinkwater into the
+background.)
+
+KEARNEY (surprised and rather suspicious). Well, I hardly understahnd
+this. However, if you are Captain Brassbound, you can take your place
+with the rest. (Brassbound joins Redbrook and Johnson. Kearney sits down
+again, after inviting Lady Cicely, with a solemn gesture, to take the
+vacant chair.) Now let me see. You are a man of experience in these
+matters, Sir Howard Hallam. If you had to conduct this business, how
+would you start?
+
+LADY CICELY. He'd call on the counsel for the prosecution, wouldn't you,
+Howard?
+
+SIR HOWARD. But there is no counsel for the prosecution, Cicely.
+
+LADY CICELY. Oh yes there is. I'm counsel for the prosecution. You
+mustn't let Sir Howard make a speech, Captain Kearney: his doctors have
+positively forbidden anything of that sort. Will you begin with me?
+
+KEARNEY. By your leave, Lady Waynfiete, I think I will just begin with
+myself. Sailor fashion will do as well here as lawyer fashion.
+
+LADY CICELY. Ever so much better, dear Captain Kearney. (Silence.
+Kearney composes himself to speak. She breaks out again). You look so
+nice as a judge!
+
+A general smile. Drinkwater splutters into a half suppressed laugh.
+
+REDBROOK (in a fierce whisper). Shut up, you fool, will you? (Again he
+pushes him back with a furtive kick.)
+
+SIR HOWARD (remonstrating). Cicely!
+
+KEARNEY (grimly keeping his countenance). Your ladyship's cawmpliments
+will be in order at a later stage. Captain Brassbound: the position
+is this. My ship, the United States cruiser Santiago, was spoken off
+Mogador latest Thursday by the yacht Redgauntlet. The owner of the
+aforesaid yacht, who is not present through having sprained his ankle,
+gave me sertn information. In cawnsequence of that information the
+Santiago made the twenty knots to Mogador Harbor inside of fifty-seven
+minutes. Before noon next day a messenger of mine gave the Cadi of the
+district sertn information. In cawnsequence of that information the Cadi
+stimulated himself to some ten knots an hour, and lodged you and your
+men in Mogador jail at my disposal. The Cadi then went back to his
+mountain fahstnesses; so we shall not have the pleasure of his company
+here to-day. Do you follow me so far?
+
+BRASSBOUND. Yes. I know what you did and what the Cadi did. The point
+is, why did you do it?
+
+KEARNEY. With doo patience we shall come to that presently. Mr. Rahnkin:
+will you kindly take up the parable?
+
+RANKIN. On the very day that Sir Howrrd and Lady Cicely started on their
+excursion I was applied to for medicine by a follower of the Sheikh Sidi
+el Assif. He told me I should never see Sir Howrrd again, because his
+master knew he was a Christian and would take him out of the hands of
+Captain Brassbound. I hurried on board the yacht and told the owner to
+scour the coast for a gunboat or cruiser to come into the harbor and
+put persuasion on the authorities. (Sir Howard turns and looks at Rankin
+with a sudden doubt of his integrity as a witness.)
+
+KEARNEY. But I understood from our chahplain that you reported Captain
+Brassbound as in league with the Sheikh to deliver Sir Howard up to him.
+
+RANKIN. That was my first hasty conclusion, Captain Kearney. But it
+appears that the compact between them was that Captain Brassbound should
+escort travellers under the Sheikh's protection at a certain payment
+per head, provided none of them were Christians. As I understand it, he
+tried to smuggle Sir Howrrd through under this compact, and the Sheikh
+found him out.
+
+DRINKWATER. Rawt, gavner. Thet's jest ah it wors. The Kepn--
+
+REDBROOK (again suppressing him). Shut up, you fool, I tell you.
+
+SIR HOWARD (to Rankin). May I ask have you had any conversation with
+Lady Cicely on this subject?
+
+RANKIN (naively). Yes. (Sir Howard qrunts emphatically, as who should
+say "I thought so." Rankin continues, addressing the court) May I say
+how sorry I am that there are so few chairs, Captain and gentlemen.
+
+KEARNEY (with genial American courtesy). Oh, THAT's all right, Mr.
+Rahnkin. Well, I see no harm so far: it's human fawlly, but not human
+crime. Now the counsel for the prosecution can proceed to prosecute. The
+floor is yours, Lady Waynflete.
+
+LADY CICELY (rising). I can only tell you the exact truth--
+
+DRINKWATER (involuntarily). Naow, down't do thet, lidy--
+
+REDBROOK (as before). SHUT up, you fool, will you?
+
+LADY CICELY. We had a most delightful trip in the hills; and Captain
+Brassbound's men could not have been nicer--I must say that for
+them--until we saw a tribe of Arabs--such nice looking men!--and then
+the poor things were frightened.
+
+KEARNEY. The Arabs?
+
+LADY CICELY. No: Arabs are never frightened. The escort, of course:
+escorts are always frightened. I wanted to speak to the Arab chief; but
+Captain Brassbound cruelly shot his horse; and the chief shot the Count;
+and then--
+
+KEARNEY. The Count! What Count?
+
+LADY CICELY. Marzo. That's Marzo (pointing to Marzo, who grins and
+touches his forehead).
+
+KEARNEY (slightly overwhelmed by the unexpected profusion of incident
+and character in her story). Well, what happened then?
+
+LADY CICELY. Then the escort ran away--all escorts do--and dragged me
+into the castle, which you really ought to make them clean and whitewash
+thoroughly, Captain Kearney. Then Captain Brassbound and Sir Howard
+turned out to be related to one another (sensation); and then of course,
+there was a quarrel. The Hallams always quarrel.
+
+SIR HOWARD (rising to protest). Cicely! Captain Kearney: this man told
+me--
+
+LADY CICELY (swiftly interrupting him). You mustn't say what people told
+you: it's not evidence. (Sir Howard chokes with indignation.)
+
+KEARNEY (calmly). Allow the lady to proceed, Sir Howard Hallam.
+
+SIR HOWARD (recovering his self-control with a gulp, and resuming his
+seat). I beg your pardon, Captain Kearney.
+
+LADY CICELY. Then Sidi came.
+
+KEARNEY. Sidney! Who was Sidney?
+
+LADY CICELY. No, Sidi. The Sheikh. Sidi el Assif. A noble creature, with
+such a fine face! He fell in love with me at first sight--
+
+SIR HOWARD (remonstrating). Cicely!
+
+LADY CICELY. He did: you know he did. You told me to tell the exact
+truth.
+
+KEARNEY. I can readily believe it, madam. Proceed.
+
+LADY CICELY. Well, that put the poor fellow into a most cruel dilemma.
+You see, he could claim to carry off Sir Howard, because Sir Howard is a
+Christian. But as I am only a woman, he had no claim to me.
+
+KEARNEY (somewhat sternly, suspecting Lady Cicely of aristocratic
+atheism). But you are a Christian woman.
+
+LADY CICELY. No: the Arabs don't count women. They don't believe we have
+any souls.
+
+RANKIN. That is true, Captain: the poor benighted creatures!
+
+LADY CICELY. Well, what was he to do? He wasn't in love with Sir Howard;
+and he WAS in love with me. So he naturally offered to swop Sir Howard
+for me. Don't you think that was nice of him, Captain Kearney?
+
+KEARNEY. I should have done the same myself, Lady Waynflete. Proceed.
+
+LADY CICELY. Captain Brassbound, I must say, was nobleness itself, in
+spite of the quarrel between himself and Sir Howard. He refused to give
+up either of us, and was on the point of fighting for us when in came
+the Cadi with your most amusing and delightful letter, captain, and
+bundled us all back to Mogador after calling my poor Sidi the most
+dreadful names, and putting all the blame on Captain Brassbound. So here
+we are. Now, Howard, isn't that the exact truth, every word of it?
+
+SIR HOWARD. It is the truth, Cicely, and nothing but the truth. But the
+English law requires a witness to tell the WHOLE truth.
+
+LADY CICELY. What nonsense! As if anybody ever knew the whole truth
+about anything! (Sitting down, much hurt and discouraged.) I'm sorry you
+wish Captain Kearney to understand that I am an untruthful witness.
+
+SIR HOWARD. No: but--
+
+LADY CICELY. Very well, then: please don't say things that convey that
+impression.
+
+KEARNEY. But Sir Howard told me yesterday that Captain Brassbound
+threatened to sell him into slavery.
+
+LADY CICELY (springing up again). Did Sir Howard tell you the things he
+said about Captain Brassbound's mother? (Renewed sensation.) I told you
+they quarrelled, Captain Kearney. I said so, didn't I?
+
+REDBROOK (crisply). Distinctly. (Drinkwater opens his mouth to
+corroborate.) Shut up, you fool.
+
+LADY CICELY. Of course I did. Now, Captain Kearney, do YOU want me--does
+Sir Howard want me--does ANYBODY want me to go into the details of
+that shocking family quarrel? Am I to stand here in the absence of any
+individual of my own sex and repeat the language of two angry men?
+
+KEARNEY (rising impressively). The United States navy will have no
+hahnd in offering any violence to the pure instincts of womanhood. Lady
+Waynflete: I thahnk you for the delicacy with which you have given
+your evidence. (Lady Cicely beams on him gratefully and sits down
+triumphant.) Captain Brassbound: I shall not hold you respawnsible
+for what you may have said when the English bench addressed you in the
+language of the English forecastle-- (Sir Howard is about to protest.)
+No, Sir Howard Hallam: excuse ME. In moments of pahssion I have called
+a man that myself. We are glahd to find real flesh and blood beneath the
+ermine of the judge. We will all now drop a subject that should never
+have been broached in a lady's presence. (He resumes his seat, and adds,
+in a businesslike tone) Is there anything further before we release
+these men?
+
+BLUEJACKET. There are some dawcuments handed over by the Cadi, sir. He
+reckoned they were sort of magic spells. The chahplain ordered them to
+be reported to you and burnt, with your leave, sir.
+
+KEARNEY. What are they?
+
+BLUEJACKET (reading from a list). Four books, torn and dirty, made up of
+separate numbers, value each wawn penny, and entitled Sweeny Todd, the
+Demon Barber of London; The Skeleton Horseman--
+
+DRINKWATER (rushing forward in painful alarm, and anxiety). It's maw
+lawbrary, gavner. Down't burn em.
+
+KEARNEY. You'll be better without that sort of reading, my man.
+
+DRINKWATER (in intense distress, appealing to Lady Cicely) Down't let
+em burn em, Lidy. They dasn't if you horder them not to. (With desperate
+eloquence) Yer dunno wot them books is to me. They took me aht of the
+sawdid reeyellities of the Worterleoo Rowd. They formed maw mawnd: they
+shaowed me sathink awgher than the squalor of a corster's lawf--
+
+REDBROOK (collaring him). Oh shut up, you fool. Get out. Hold your ton--
+
+DRINKWATER (frantically breaking from him). Lidy, lidy: sy a word for
+me. Ev a feelin awt. (His tears choke him: he clasps his hands in dumb
+entreaty.)
+
+LADY CICELY (touched). Don't burn his books. Captain. Let me give them
+back to him.
+
+KEARNEY. The books will be handed over to the lady.
+
+DRINKWATER (in a small voice). Thenkyer, Lidy. (He retires among his
+comrades, snivelling subduedly.)
+
+REDBROOK (aside to him as he passes). You silly ass, you. (Drinkwater
+sniffs and does not reply.)
+
+KEARNEY. I suppose you and your men accept this lady's account of what
+passed, Captain Brassbound.
+
+BRASSBOUND (gloomily). Yes. It is true--as far as it goes.
+
+KEARNEY (impatiently). Do you wawnt it to go any further?
+
+MARZO. She leave out something. Arab shoot me. She nurse me. She cure
+me.
+
+KEARNEY. And who are you, pray?
+
+MARZO (seized with a sanctimonious desire to demonstrate his higher
+nature). Only dam thief. Dam liar. Dam rascal. She no lady.
+
+JOHNSON (revolted by the seeming insult to the English peerage from a
+low Italian). What? What's that you say?
+
+MARZO. No lady nurse dam rascal. Only saint. She saint. She get me to
+heaven--get us all to heaven. We do what we like now.
+
+LADY CICELY. Indeed you will do nothing of the sort Marzo, unless you
+like to behave yourself very nicely indeed. What hour did you say we
+were to lunch at, Captain Kearney?
+
+KEARNEY. You recall me to my dooty, Lady Waynflete. My barge will be
+ready to take off you and Sir Howard to the Santiago at one o'clawk. (He
+rises.) Captain Brassbound: this innquery has elicited no reason why I
+should detain you or your men. I advise you to ahct as escort in future
+to heathens exclusively. Mr. Rahnkin: I thahnk you in the name of the
+United States for the hospitahlity you have extended to us today; and
+I invite you to accompany me bahck to my ship with a view to lunch at
+half-past one. Gentlemen: we will wait on the governor of the gaol on
+our way to the harbor (He goes out, following his officers, and followed
+by the bluejackets and the petty officer.)
+
+SIR HOWARD (to Lady Cicely). Cicely: in the course of my professional
+career I have met with unscrupulous witnesses, and, I am sorry to say,
+unscrupulous counsel also. But the combination of unscrupulous witness
+and unscrupulous counsel I have met to-day has taken away my breath You
+have made me your accomplice in defeating justice.
+
+LADY CICELY. Yes: aren't you glad it's been defeated for once? (She
+takes his arm to go out with him.) Captain Brassbound: I will come back
+to say goodbye before I go. (He nods gloomily. She goes out with Sir
+Howard, following the Captain and his staff.)
+
+RANKIN (running to Brassbound and taking both his hands). I'm right glad
+ye're cleared. I'll come back and have a crack with ye when yon lunch is
+over. God bless ye. (Hs goes out quickly.)
+
+Brassbound and his men, left by themselves in the room, free and
+unobserved, go straight out of their senses. They laugh; they dance;
+they embrace one another; they set to partners and waltz clumsily; they
+shake hands repeatedly and maudlinly. Three only retain some sort of
+self-possession. Marzo, proud of having successfully thrust himself into
+a leading part in the recent proceedings and made a dramatic speech,
+inflates his chest, curls his scanty moustache, and throws himself
+into a swaggering pose, chin up and right foot forward, despising the
+emotional English barbarians around him. Brassbound's eyes and
+the working of his mouth show that he is infected with the general
+excitement; but he bridles himself savagely. Redbrook, trained to affect
+indifference, grins cynically; winks at Brassbound; and finally relieves
+himself by assuming the character of a circus ringmaster, flourishing an
+imaginary whip and egging on the rest to wilder exertions. A climax is
+reached when Drinkwater, let loose without a stain on his character for
+the second time, is rapt by belief in his star into an ecstasy in which,
+scorning all partnership, he becomes as it were a whirling dervish,
+and executes so miraculous a clog dance that the others gradually cease
+their slower antics to stare at him.
+
+BRASSBOUND (tearing off his hat and striding forward as Drinkwater
+collapses, exhausted, and is picked up by Redbrook). Now to get rid of
+this respectable clobber and feel like a man again. Stand by, all hands,
+to jump on the captain's tall hat. (He puts the hat down and prepares to
+jump on it. The effect is startling, and takes him completely aback.
+His followers, far from appreciating his iconoclasm, are shocked into
+scandalized sobriety, except Redbrook, who is immensely tickled by their
+prudery.)
+
+DRINKWATER. Naow, look eah, kepn: that ynt rawt. Dror a lawn somewhere.
+
+JOHNSON. I say nothin agen a bit of fun, Capn, but let's be gentlemen.
+
+REDBROOK. I suggest to you, Brassbound, that the clobber belongs to Lady
+Sis. Ain't you going to give it back to her?
+
+BRASSBOUND (picking up the hat and brushing the dust off it anxiously).
+That's true. I'm a fool. All the same, she shall not see me again like
+this. (He pulls off the coat and waistcoat together.) Does any man here
+know how to fold up this sort of thing properly?
+
+REDBROOK. Allow me, governor. (He takes the coat and waistcoat to the
+table, and folds them up.)
+
+BRASSBOUND (loosening his collar and the front of his shirt).
+Brandyfaced Jack: you're looking at these studs. I know what's in your
+mind.
+
+DRINKWATER (indignantly). Naow yer down't: nort a bit on it. Wot's in
+maw mawnd is secrifawce, seolf-secrifawce.
+
+BRASSBOUND. If one brass pin of that lady's property is missing, I'll
+hang you with my own hands at the gaff of the Thanksgiving--and would,
+if she were lying under the guns of all the fleets in Europe. (He pulls
+off the shirt and stands in his blue jersey, with his hair ruffled. He
+passes his hand through it and exclaims) Now I am half a man, at any
+rate.
+
+REDBROOK. A horrible combination, governor: churchwarden from the waist
+down, and the rest pirate. Lady Sis won't speak to you in it.
+
+BRASSBOUND. I'll change altogether. (He leaves the room to get his own
+trousers.)
+
+REDBROOK (softly). Look here, Johnson, and gents generally. (They gather
+about him.) Spose she takes him back to England!
+
+MARZO (trying to repeat his success). Im! Im only dam pirate. She saint,
+I tell you--no take any man nowhere.
+
+JOHNSON (severely). Don't you be a ignorant and immoral foreigner. (The
+rebuke is well received; and Marzo is hustled into the background and
+extinguished.) She won't take him for harm; but she might take him for
+good. And then where should we be?
+
+DRINKWATER. Brarsbahnd ynt the ownly kepn in the world. Wot mikes a kepn
+is brines an knollidge o lawf. It ynt thet ther's naow sitch pusson:
+it's thet you dunno where to look fr im. (The implication that he is
+such a person is so intolerable that they receive it with a prolonged
+burst of booing.)
+
+BRASSBOUND (returning in his own clothes, getting into his jacket as
+he comes). Stand by, all. (They start asunder guiltily, and wait for
+orders.) Redbrook: you pack that clobber in the lady's portmanteau, and
+put it aboard the yacht for her. Johnson: you take all hands aboard the
+Thanksgiving; look through the stores: weigh anchor; and make all ready
+for sea. Then send Jack to wait for me at the slip with a boat; and give
+me a gunfire for a signal. Lose no time.
+
+JOHNSON. Ay, ay, air. All aboard, mates.
+
+ALL. Ay, ay. (They rush out tumultuously.)
+
+When they are gone, Brassbound sits down at the end of the table, with
+his elbows on it and his head on his fists, gloomily thinking. Then he
+takes from the breast pocket of his jacket a leather case, from which he
+extracts a scrappy packet of dirty letters and newspaper cuttings. These
+he throws on the table. Next comes a photograph in a cheap frame. He
+throws it down untenderly beside the papers; then folds his arms, and
+is looking at it with grim distaste when Lady Cicely enters. His back
+is towards her; and he does not hear her. Perceiving this, she shuts the
+door loudly enough to attract his attention. He starts up.
+
+LADY CICELY (coming to the opposite end of the table). So you've taken
+off all my beautiful clothes!
+
+BRASSBOUND. Your brother's, you mean. A man should wear his own clothes;
+and a man should tell his own lies. I'm sorry you had to tell mine for
+me to-day.
+
+LADY CICELY. Oh, women spend half their lives telling little lies for
+men, and sometimes big ones. We're used to it. But mind! I don't admit
+that I told any to-day.
+
+BRASSBOUND. How did you square my uncle?
+
+LADY CICELY. I don't understand the expression.
+
+BRASSBOUND. I mean--
+
+LADY CICELY. I'm afraid we haven't time to go into what you mean before
+lunch. I want to speak to you about your future. May I?
+
+BRASSBOUND (darkening a little, but politely). Sit down. (She sits down.
+So does he.)
+
+LADY CICELY. What are your plans?
+
+BRASSBOUND. I have no plans. You will hear a gun fired in the harbor
+presently. That will mean that the Thanksgiving's anchor's weighed and
+that she is waiting for her captain to put out to sea. And her captain
+doesn't know now whether to turn her head north or south.
+
+LADY CICELY. Why not north for England?
+
+BRASSBOUND. Why not south for the Pole?
+
+LADY CICELY. But you must do something with yourself.
+
+BRASSBOUND (settling himself with his fists and elbows weightily on the
+table and looking straight and powerfully at her). Look you: when you
+and I first met, I was a man with a purpose. I stood alone: I saddled
+no friend, woman or man, with that purpose, because it was against law,
+against religion, against my own credit and safety. But I believed in
+it; and I stood alone for it, as a man should stand for his belief,
+against law and religion as much as against wickedness and selfishness.
+Whatever I may be, I am none of your fairweather sailors that'll do
+nothing for their creed but go to Heaven for it. I was ready to go to
+hell for mine. Perhaps you don't understand that.
+
+LADY CICELY. Oh bless you, yes. It's so very like a certain sort of man.
+
+BRASSBOUND. I daresay but I've not met many of that sort. Anyhow,
+that was what I was like. I don't say I was happy in it; but I wasn't
+unhappy, because I wasn't drifting. I was steering a course and had work
+in hand. Give a man health and a course to steer; and he'll never stop
+to trouble about whether he's happy or not.
+
+LADY CICELY. Sometimes he won't even stop to trouble about whether other
+people are happy or not.
+
+BRASSBOUND. I don't deny that: nothing makes a man so selfish as work.
+But I was not self-seeking: it seemed to me that I had put justice above
+self. I tell you life meant something to me then. Do you see that dirty
+little bundle of scraps of paper?
+
+LADY CICELY. What are they?
+
+BRASSBOUND. Accounts cut out of newspapers. Speeches made by my uncle
+at charitable dinners, or sentencing men to death--pious, highminded
+speeches by a man who was to me a thief and a murderer! To my mind they
+were more weighty, more momentous, better revelations of the wickedness
+of law and respectability than the book of the prophet Amos. What are
+they now? (He quietly tears the newspaper cuttings into little fragments
+and throws them away, looking fixedly at her meanwhile.)
+
+LADY CICELY. Well, that's a comfort, at all events.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Yes; but it's a part of my life gone: YOUR doing, remember.
+What have I left? See here! (He take up the letters) the letters
+my uncle wrote to my mother, with her comments on their cold drawn
+insolence, their treachery and cruelty. And the piteous letters she
+wrote to him later on, returned unopened. Must they go too?
+
+LADY CICELY (uneasily). I can't ask you to destroy your mother's
+letters.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Why not, now that you have taken the meaning out of them?
+(He tears them.) Is that a comfort too?
+
+LADY CICELY. It's a little sad; but perhaps it is best so.
+
+BRASSBOUND. That leaves one relic: her portrait. (He plucks the
+photograph out of its cheap case.)
+
+LADY CICELY (with vivid curiosity). Oh, let me see. (He hands it to
+her. Before she can control herself, her expression changes to one of
+unmistakable disappointment and repulsion.)
+
+BRASSBOUND (with a single sardonic cachinnation). Ha! You expected
+something better than that. Well, you're right. Her face does not look
+well opposite yours.
+
+LADY CICELY (distressed). I said nothing.
+
+BRASSBOUND. What could you say? (He takes back the portrait: she
+relinquishes it without a word. He looks at it; shakes his head; and
+takes it quietly between his finger and thumb to tear it.)
+
+LADY CICELY (staying his hand). Oh, not your mother's picture!
+
+BRASSBOUND. If that were your picture, would you like your son to keep
+it for younger and better women to see?
+
+LADY CICELY (releasing his hand). Oh, you are dreadful! Tear it, tear
+it. (She covers her eyes for a moment to shut out the sight.)
+
+BRASSBOUND (tearing it quietly). You killed her for me that day in the
+castle; and I am better without her. (He throws away the fragments.) Now
+everything is gone. You have taken the old meaning out of my life; but
+you have put no new meaning into it. I can see that you have some clue
+to the world that makes all its difficulties easy for you; but I'm not
+clever enough to seize it. You've lamed me by showing me that I take
+life the wrong way when I'm left to myself.
+
+LADY CICELY. Oh no. Why do you say that?
+
+BRASSBOUND. What else can I say? See what I've done! My uncle is no
+worse a man than myself--better, most likely; for he has a better head
+and a higher place. Well, I took him for a villain out of a storybook.
+My mother would have opened anybody else's eyes: she shut mine. I'm
+a stupider man than Brandyfaced Jack even; for he got his romantic
+nonsense out of his penny numbers and such like trash; but I got just
+the same nonsense out of life and experience. (Shaking his head) It was
+vulgar--VULGAR. I see that now; for you've opened my eyes to the past;
+but what good is that for the future? What am I to do? Where am I to go?
+
+LADY CICELY. It's quite simple. Do whatever you like. That's what I
+always do.
+
+BRASSBOUND. That answer is no good to me. What I like is to have
+something to do; and I have nothing. You might as well talk like the
+missionary and tell me to do my duty.
+
+LADY CICELY (quickly). Oh no thank you. I've had quite enough of your
+duty, and Howard's duty. Where would you both be now if I'd let you do
+it?
+
+BRASSBOUND. We'd have been somewhere, at all events. It seems to me that
+now I am nowhere.
+
+LADY CICELY. But aren't you coming back to England with us?
+
+BRASSBOUND. What for?
+
+LADY CICELY. Why, to make the most of your opportunities.
+
+BRASSBOUND. What opportunities?
+
+LADY CICELY. Don't you understand that when you are the nephew of a
+great bigwig, and have influential connexions, and good friends among
+them, lots of things can be done for you that are never done for
+ordinary ship captains?
+
+BRASSBOUND. Ah; but I'm not an aristocrat, you see. And like most poor
+men, I'm proud. I don't like being patronized.
+
+LADY CICELY. What is the use of saying that? In my world, which is now
+your world--OUR world--getting patronage is the whole art of life. A man
+can't have a career without it.
+
+BRASSBOUND. In my world a man can navigate a ship and get his living by
+it.
+
+LADY CICELY. Oh, I see you're one of the Idealists--the Impossibilists!
+We have them, too, occasionally, in our world. There's only one thing to
+be done with them.
+
+BRASSBOUND. What's that?
+
+LADY CICELY. Marry them straight off to some girl with enough money for
+them, and plenty of sentiment. That's their fate.
+
+BRASSBOUND. You've spoiled even that chance for me. Do you think I could
+look at any ordinary woman after you? You seem to be able to make me
+do pretty well what you like; but you can't make me marry anybody but
+yourself.
+
+LADY CICELY. Do you know, Captain Paquito, that I've married no less
+than seventeen men (Brassbound stares) to other women. And they all
+opened the subject by saying that they would never marry anybody but me.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Then I shall be the first man you ever found to stand to his
+word.
+
+LADY CICELY (part pleased, part amused, part sympathetic). Do you really
+want a wife?
+
+BRASSBOUND. I want a commander. Don't undervalue me: I am a good man
+when I have a good leader. I have courage: I have determination: I'm not
+a drinker: I can command a schooner and a shore party if I can't command
+a ship or an army. When work is put upon me, I turn neither to save my
+life nor to fill my pocket. Gordon trusted me; and he never regretted
+it. If you trust me, you shan't regret it. All the same, there's
+something wanting in me: I suppose I'm stupid.
+
+LADY CICELY. Oh, you're not stupid.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Yes I am. Since you saw me for the first time in that
+garden, you've heard me say nothing clever. And I've heard you say
+nothing that didn't make me laugh, or make me feel friendly, as well
+as telling me what to think and what to do. That's what I mean by real
+cleverness. Well, I haven't got it. I can give an order when I know what
+order to give. I can make men obey it, willing or unwilling. But I'm
+stupid, I tell you: stupid. When there's no Gordon to command me, I
+can't think of what to do. Left to myself, I've become half a brigand.
+I can kick that little gutterscrub Drinkwater; but I find myself doing
+what he puts into my head because I can't think of anything else. When
+you came, I took your orders as naturally as I took Gordon's, though
+I little thought my next commander would be a woman. I want to take
+service under you. And there's no way in which that can be done except
+marrying you. Will you let me do it?
+
+LADY CICELY. I'm afraid you don't quite know how odd a match it would be
+for me according to the ideas of English society.
+
+BRASSBOUND. I care nothing about English society: let it mind its own
+business.
+
+LADY CICELY (rising, a little alarmed). Captain Paquito: I am not in
+love with you.
+
+BRASSBOUND (also rising, with his gaze still steadfastly on her). I
+didn't suppose you were: the commander is not usually in love with his
+subordinate.
+
+LADY CICELY. Nor the subordinate with the commander.
+
+BRASSBOUND (assenting firmly). Nor the subordinate with the commander.
+
+LADY CICELY (learning for the first time in her life what terror is,
+as she finds that he is unconsciously mesmerizing her). Oh, you are
+dangerous!
+
+BRASSBOUND. Come: are you in love with anybody else? That's the
+question.
+
+LADY CICELY (shaking her head). I have never been in love with any real
+person; and I never shall. How could I manage people if I had that mad
+little bit of self left in me? That's my secret.
+
+BRASSBOUND. Then throw away the last bit of self. Marry me.
+
+LADY CICELY (vainly struggling to recall her wandering will). Must I?
+
+BRASSBOUND. There is no must. You CAN. I ask you to. My fate depends on
+it.
+
+LADY CICELY. It's frightful; for I don't mean to--don't wish to.
+
+BRASSBOUND. But you will.
+
+LADY CICELY (quite lost, slowly stretches out her hand to give it to
+him). I-- (Gunfire from the Thanksgiving. His eyes dilate. It wakes her
+from her trance) What is that?
+
+BRASSBOUND. It is farewell. Rescue for you--safety, freedom! You were
+made to be something better than the wife of Black Paquito. (He kneels
+and takes her hands) You can do no more for me now: I have blundered
+somehow on the secret of command at last (he kisses her hands): thanks
+for that, and for a man's power and purpose restored and righted. And
+farewell, farewell, farewell.
+
+LADY CICELY (in a strange ecstasy, holding his hands as he rises). Oh,
+farewell. With my heart's deepest feeling, farewell, farewell.
+
+BRASSBOUND. With my heart's noblest honor and triumph, farewell. (He
+turns and flies.)
+
+LADY CICELY. How glorious! how glorious! And what an escape!
+
+CURTAIN
+
+
+
+NOTES TO CAPTAIN BRASSBOUND'S CONVERSION
+
+SOURCES OF THE PLAY
+
+I claim as a notable merit in the authorship of this play that I have
+been intelligent enough to steal its scenery, its surroundings, its
+atmosphere, its geography, its knowledge of the east, its fascinating
+Cadis and Kearneys and Sheikhs and mud castles from an excellent book of
+philosophic travel and vivid adventure entitled Mogreb-el-Acksa (Morocco
+the Most Holy) by Cunninghame Graham. My own first hand knowledge of
+Morocco is based on a morning's walk through Tangier, and a cursory
+observation of the coast through a binocular from the deck of an Orient
+steamer, both later in date than the writing of the play.
+
+Cunninghame Graham is the hero of his own book; but I have not made
+him the hero of my play, because so incredible a personage must have
+destroyed its likelihood--such as it is. There are moments when I do
+not myself believe in his existence. And yet he must be real; for I have
+seen him with these eyes; and I am one of the few men living who can
+decipher the curious alphabet in which he writes his private letters.
+The man is on public record too. The battle of Trafalgar Square, in
+which he personally and bodily assailed civilization as represented by
+the concentrated military and constabular forces of the capital of the
+world, can scarcely be forgotten by the more discreet spectators,
+of whom I was one. On that occasion civilization, qualitatively his
+inferior, was quantitatively so hugely in excess of him that it put him
+in prison, but had not sense enough to keep him there. Yet his getting
+out of prison was as nothing compared to his getting into the House of
+Commons. How he did it I know not; but the thing certainly happened,
+somehow. That he made pregnant utterances as a legislator may be taken
+as proved by the keen philosophy of the travels and tales he has since
+tossed to us; but the House, strong in stupidity, did not understand
+him until in an inspired moment he voiced a universal impulse by bluntly
+damning its hypocrisy. Of all the eloquence of that silly parliament,
+there remains only one single damn. It has survived the front bench
+speeches of the eighties as the word of Cervantes survives the
+oraculations of the Dons and Deys who put him, too, in prison. The
+shocked House demanded that he should withdraw his cruel word. "I never
+withdraw," said he; and I promptly stole the potent phrase for the sake
+of its perfect style, and used it as a cockade for the Bulgarian hero
+of Arms and the Man. The theft prospered; and I naturally take the first
+opportunity of repeating it. In what other Lepantos besides Trafalgar
+Square Cunninghame Graham has fought, I cannot tell. He is a fascinating
+mystery to a sedentary person like myself. The horse, a dangerous
+animal whom, when I cannot avoid, I propitiate with apples and sugar, he
+bestrides and dominates fearlessly, yet with a true republican sense of
+the rights of the fourlegged fellowcreature whose martyrdom, and man's
+shame therein, he has told most powerfully in his Calvary, a tale with
+an edge that will cut the soft cruel hearts and strike fire from the
+hard kind ones. He handles the other lethal weapons as familiarly as the
+pen: medieval sword and modern Mauser are to him as umbrellas and kodaks
+are to me. His tales of adventure have the true Cervantes touch of
+the man who has been there--so refreshingly different from the scenes
+imagined by bloody-minded clerks who escape from their servitude into
+literature to tell us how men and cities are conceived in the counting
+house and the volunteer corps. He is, I understand, a Spanish hidalgo:
+hence the superbity of his portrait by Lavery (Velasquez being no
+longer available). He is, I know, a Scotch laird. How he contrives to be
+authentically the two things at the same time is no more intelligible to
+me than the fact that everything that has ever happened to him seems to
+have happened in Paraguay or Texas instead of in Spain or Scotland. He
+is, I regret to add, an impenitent and unashamed dandy: such boots, such
+a hat, would have dazzled D'Orsay himself. With that hat he once saluted
+me in Regent St. when I was walking with my mother. Her interest was
+instantly kindled; and the following conversation ensued. "Who is that?"
+"Cunninghame Graham." "Nonsense! Cunninghame Graham is one of your
+Socialists: that man is a gentleman." This is the punishment of vanity,
+a fault I have myself always avoided, as I find conceit less troublesome
+and much less expensive. Later on somebody told him of Tarudant, a city
+in Morocco in which no Christian had ever set foot. Concluding at once
+that it must be an exceptionally desirable place to live in, he took
+ship and horse: changed the hat for a turban; and made straight for the
+sacred city, via Mogador. How he fared, and how he fell into the hands
+of the Cadi of Kintafi, who rightly held that there was more danger to
+Islam in one Cunninghame Graham than in a thousand Christians, may be
+learnt from his account of it in Mogreb-el-Acksa, without which Captain
+Brassbound's Conversion would never have been written.
+
+I am equally guiltless of any exercise of invention concerning the story
+of the West Indian estate which so very nearly serves as a peg to hang
+Captain Brassbound. To Mr. Frederick Jackson of Hindhead, who, against
+all his principles, encourages and abets me in my career as a dramatist,
+I owe my knowledge of those main facts of the case which became public
+through an attempt to make the House of Commons act on them. This being
+so, I must add that the character of Captain Brassbound's mother, like
+the recovery of the estate by the next heir, is an interpolation of my
+own. It is not, however, an invention. One of the evils of the pretence
+that our institutions represent abstract principles of justice
+instead of being mere social scaffolding is that persons of a certain
+temperament take the pretence seriously, and when the law is on the side
+of injustice, will not accept the situation, and are driven mad by their
+vain struggle against it. Dickens has drawn the type in his Man from
+Shropshire in Bleak House. Most public men and all lawyers have been
+appealed to by victims of this sense of injustice--the most unhelpable
+of afflictions in a society like ours.
+
+ENGLISH AND AMERICAN DIALECTS
+
+The fact that English is spelt conventionally and not phonetically makes
+the art of recording speech almost impossible. What is more, it places
+the modern dramatist, who writes for America as well as England, in
+a most trying position. Take for example my American captain and my
+English lady. I have spelt the word conduce, as uttered by the
+American captain, as cawndooce, to suggest (very roughly) the American
+pronunciation to English readers. Then why not spell the same word,
+when uttered by Lady Cicely, as kerndewce, to suggest the English
+pronunciation to American readers? To this I have absolutely no defence:
+I can only plead that an author who lives in England necessarily loses
+his consciousness of the peculiarities of English speech, and sharpens
+his consciousness of the points in which American speech differs from
+it; so that it is more convenient to leave English peculiarities to be
+recorded by American authors. I must, however, most vehemently disclaim
+any intention of suggesting that English pronunciation is authoritative
+and correct. My own tongue is neither American English nor English
+English, but Irish English; so I am as nearly impartial in the matter
+as it is in human nature to be. Besides, there is no standard English
+pronunciation any more than there is an American one: in England every
+county has its catchwords, just as no doubt every state in the Union
+has. I cannot believe that the pioneer American, for example, can spare
+time to learn that last refinement of modern speech, the exquisite
+diphthong, a farfetched combination of the French eu and the English e,
+with which a New Yorker pronounces such words as world, bird &c. I have
+spent months without success in trying to achieve glibness with it.
+
+To Felix Drinkwater also I owe some apology for implying that all his
+vowel pronunciations are unfashionable. They are very far from being so.
+As far as my social experience goes (and I have kept very mixed company)
+there is no class in English society in which a good deal of Drinkwater
+pronunciation does not pass unchallenged save by the expert phonetician.
+This is no mere rash and ignorant jibe of my own at the expense of my
+English neighbors. Academic authority in the matter of English speech is
+represented at present by Mr. Henry Sweet, of the University of Oxford,
+whose Elementarbuch des gesprochenen Engliach, translated into his
+native language for the use of British islanders as a Primer of Spoken
+English, is the most accessible standard work on the subject. In such
+words as plum, come, humbug, up, gum, etc., Mr. Sweet's evidence is
+conclusive. Ladies and gentlemen in Southern England pronounce them as
+plam, kam, hambag, ap, gan, etc., exactly as Felix Drinkwater does. I
+could not claim Mr. Sweet's authority if I dared to whisper that such
+coster English as the rather pretty dahn tahn for down town, or the
+decidedly ugly cowcow for cocoa is current in very polite circles. The
+entire nation, costers and all, would undoubtedly repudiate any such
+pronunciation as vulgar. All the same, if I were to attempt to represent
+current "smart" cockney speech as I have attempted to represent
+Drinkwater's, without the niceties of Mr. Sweet's Romic alphabets, I
+am afraid I should often have to write dahn tahn and cowcow as being
+at least nearer to the actual sound than down town and cocoa. And this
+would give such offence that I should have to leave the country; for
+nothing annoys a native speaker of English more than a faithful setting
+down in phonetic spelling of the sounds he utters. He imagines that
+a departure from conventional spelling indicates a departure from the
+correct standard English of good society. Alas! this correct standard
+English of good society is unknown to phoneticians. It is only one of
+the many figments that bewilder our poor snobbish brains. No such thing
+exists; but what does that matter to people trained from infancy to make
+a point of honor of belief in abstractions and incredibilities? And so I
+am compelled to hide Lady Cicely's speech under the veil of conventional
+orthography.
+
+I need not shield Drinkwater, because he will never read my book. So
+I have taken the liberty of making a special example of him, as far as
+that can be done without a phonetic alphabet, for the benefit of the
+mass of readers outside London who still form their notions of cockney
+dialect on Sam Weller. When I came to London in 1876, the Sam Weller
+dialect had passed away so completely that I should have given it up as
+a literary fiction if I had not discovered it surviving in a Middlesex
+village, and heard of it from an Essex one. Some time in the eighties
+the late Andrew Tuer called attention in the Pall Mall Gazette to
+several peculiarities of modern cockney, and to the obsolescence of the
+Dickens dialect that was still being copied from book to book by authors
+who never dreamt of using their ears, much less of training them to
+listen. Then came Mr. Anstey's cockney dialogues in Punch, a great
+advance, and Mr. Chevalier's coster songs and patter. The Tompkins
+verses contributed by Mr. Barry Pain to the London Daily Chronicle have
+also done something to bring the literary convention for cockney English
+up to date. But Tompkins sometimes perpetrates horrible solecisms. He
+will pronounce face as fits, accurately enough; but he will rhyme it
+quite impossibly to nice, which Tompkins would pronounce as newts: for
+example Mawl Enn Rowd for Mile End Road. This aw for i, which I have
+made Drinkwater use, is the latest stage of the old diphthongal oi,
+which Mr. Chevalier still uses. Irish, Scotch and north country readers
+must remember that Drinkwater's rs are absolutely unpronounced when they
+follow a vowel, though they modify the vowel very considerably. Thus,
+luggage is pronounced by him as laggige, but turn is not pronounced as
+tern, but as teun with the eu sounded as in French. The London r seems
+thoroughly understood in America, with the result, however, that the use
+of the r by Artemus Ward and other American dialect writers causes Irish
+people to misread them grotesquely. I once saw the pronunciation of
+malheureux represented in a cockney handbook by mal-err-err: not at
+all a bad makeshift to instruct a Londoner, but out of the question
+elsewhere in the British Isles. In America, representations of English
+speech dwell too derisively on the dropped or interpolated h. American
+writers have apparently not noticed the fact that the south English h
+is not the same as the never-dropped Irish and American h, and that to
+ridicule an Englishman for dropping it is as absurd as to ridicule the
+whole French and Italian nation for doing the same. The American
+h, helped out by a general agreement to pronounce wh as hw, is
+tempestuously audible, and cannot be dropped without being immediately
+missed. The London h is so comparatively quiet at all times, and so
+completely inaudible in wh, that it probably fell out of use simply by
+escaping the ears of children learning to speak. However that may be, it
+is kept alive only by the literate classes who are reminded constantly
+of its existence by seeing it on paper.
+
+Roughly speaking, I should say that in England he who bothers about
+his hs is a fool, and he who ridicules a dropped h a snob. As to the
+interpolated h, my experience as a London vestryman has convinced me
+that it is often effective as a means of emphasis, and that the London
+language would be poorer without it. The objection to it is no more
+respectable than the objection of a street boy to a black man or to a
+lady in knickerbockers.
+
+I have made only the most perfunctory attempt to represent the dialect
+of the missionary. There is no literary notation for the grave music of
+good Scotch.
+
+BLACKDOWN, August 1900
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Brassbound's Conversion, by 
+George Bernard Shaw
+
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