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+Project Gutenberg's Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories,
+edited by J. A. Hammerton
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories
+
+Editor: J. A. Hammerton
+
+Illustrator: John Leech
+             and others
+
+Release Date: October 1, 2010 [EBook #33824]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH'S AFTER-DINNER STORIES ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Chris Curnow and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+  Edited by J. A. HAMMERTON
+
+    Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself,
+    the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of
+    comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch,"
+    from its beginning in 1841 to the present day
+
+MR. PUNCH'S AFTER-DINNER STORIES
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: PROGRESS.--"I maintain that the race has improved in
+physique since those days. Now _we_ couldn't get into that armour!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S AFTER-DINNER STORIES
+
+_WITH 155 ILLUSTRATIONS_
+
+BY
+
+JOHN LEECH, CHARLES KEENE, GEORGE DU MAURIER, PHIL MAY, L. RAVEN-HILL,
+J. BERNARD PARTRIDGE, F. H. TOWNSEND, REGINALD CLEAVER, LEWIS BAUMER,
+A. S. BOYD, TOM WILKINSON, G. D. ARMOUR, AND OTHERS
+
+[Illustration]
+
+PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"
+
+THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
+
+_Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_
+
+  LIFE IN LONDON
+  COUNTRY LIFE
+  IN THE HIGHLANDS
+  SCOTTISH HUMOUR
+  IRISH HUMOUR
+  COCKNEY HUMOUR
+  IN SOCIETY
+  AFTER DINNER STORIES
+  IN BOHEMIA
+  AT THE PLAY
+  MR. PUNCH AT HOME
+  ON THE CONTINONG
+  RAILWAY BOOK
+  AT THE SEASIDE
+  MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
+  IN THE HUNTING FIELD
+  MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
+  WITH ROD AND GUN
+  MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
+  BOOK OF SPORTS
+  GOLF STORIES
+  IN WIG AND GOWN
+  ON THE WARPATH
+  BOOK OF LOVE
+  WITH THE CHILDREN
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POST-PRANDIAL WIT
+
+[Illustration]
+
+There is a sense, of course, in which everything from the pages of MR.
+PUNCH might be regarded as coming into a collection entitled "After
+Dinner Stories." All good stories are really for telling after dinner.
+Somehow or other one seldom associates wit and humour with the breakfast
+table, although the celebrated breakfast parties of Rogers, the banker,
+were doubtless in no way deficient in either. Over the walnuts and wine,
+when men have feasted well and are feeling on the best of terms with
+themselves and their fellows, the cares of the day put past and the
+pleasures of the gas-lit hours begun, that is undoubtedly the ideal time
+for the flow of wit.
+
+It must not, therefore, be thought that the present volume is in anywise
+distinguished from the others of the series to which it belongs in the
+appropriateness of its contents for the dinner party. No more than any
+of its companions is it designed to that end; but as it is concerned
+almost exclusively with the humours of dining, with stories of diners,
+it will be admitted that its title is not without justification. Private
+dinner parties, public banquets, the solitary dinner at the restaurant,
+the giving and accepting of invitations, these and many other phases of
+dining come within its scope, and if it be noticed that a considerable
+amount of its humour has something of the fragrance of good old port--to
+say nothing of the aroma of wines that are bad!--it can only be
+retorted that MR. PUNCH'S duty has ever been to mirror the manners of
+the changing time, and in his early days the wine flowed more freely
+than it does to-day. For our personal taste we could have wished less of
+this humour of the bottle, but throughout this library an effort has
+been made to maintain in some degree a historical perspective, so that,
+in addition to the prime purpose of entertainment, each of these books
+in MR. PUNCH'S LIBRARY might be a faithful picture of the manners of the
+Victorian period in which most of his life has been passed. If to-day
+these manners seem to us just a trifle coarser than we esteem the social
+habits of our own day, surely that is a comforting reflection and one
+not lightly to be lost!
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. PUNCH'S AFTER-DINNER STORIES
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Mrs. Jones._ And pray, Mr. Jones, what is the matter now?
+
+_Jones._ I was only wondering, my dear, where you might have bought this
+fish.
+
+_Mrs. Jones._ At the fishmonger's. Where do you suppose I bought it?
+
+_Jones._ Well, I thought that, _perhaps_, there might have been a
+remnant sale at the Royal Aquarium!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EXCUSE FOR DRINKING BEFORE DINNER.--To whet the appetite.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Voice from above._ "What are you doing down there,
+Parkins?"
+
+_Parkins._ "I'm jush--puttin' away the port, shir!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Commissionaire._ "Would you like a four-wheeler or a
+'ansom sir?" _Convivial Party_ (_indistinctly_). "Ver' mush
+oblige--but--reely don't think I _could_ take 'ny more!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RICE AND PRUNES
+
+  Rice and prunes a household journal
+    Called the chief of household boons;
+  Hence my mother cooks diurnal
+    Rice and prunes.
+
+  Therefore on successive noons,
+    Sombre fruit and snowy kernel
+  Woo reluctant forks and spoons.
+
+  As the ear, when leaves are vernal,
+    Wearies of the blackbird's tunes,
+  So we weary of eternal
+    Rice and prunes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEVER SPEAK IN A HURRY
+
+THE HOSPITABLE JONES. Yes, we're in the same old place, where you dined
+with us last year. By the bye, old man, I wish you and your wife would
+come and take pot-luck with us again on the----
+
+_The Impulsive Brown (in the eagerness of his determination never again
+to take pot-luck with the Joneses)._ My _dear_ fellow! _So_ sorry! But
+we're engaged on the--a--on the--er--on th-th-that evening!
+
+_Poor Jones (pathetically)._ Well, old man, you _might_ have given me
+time just to _name the day_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHO PAYS THE PIPER CALLS THE TUNE"
+
+_Johnnie (to waiter)._ "Aw--you're the boss--head waiter, eh?"
+
+_Waiter._ "Yessir."
+
+_Johnnie._ "Ah, well, just--ah--send up to your _orchestra chaps_, and
+tell 'em I really can't eat my dinner to _that_ tune."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LAST RESOURCE.--A happy and independent bachelor finds
+himself suddenly disappointed of his Christmas party in the country; he
+has ordered nothing at home, has given his cook and man-servant leave to
+invite their friends; his intimate companions are out of town, and, on
+arriving at his club, he is informed by the hall porter that "there is
+no dinner to-night, as the servants are having a party." Only one
+resource, a hotel, or dinner at a restaurant, all alone!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE VERY LATEST DISCOVERY.--_Amateur Astronomical Student
+(returning home, after attending scientific bachelor dinner, where "the
+reported discovery of a new Satellite of Saturn" has been warmly
+discussed)._ "Where am I? Letsh shee--(_considering_)--Earth's got one
+moon. Mars's got five moo--Jup'tush nine--I shee two moons. Then--where
+_am_ I?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EFFECT OF GOOD CHEER ON OPPOSITE TEMPERAMENTS
+
+Aspect of Jones and Smith at two different stages of the same sumptuous
+repast.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE CELESTIAL RESTAURANT
+
+_Customer (indignantly)._ Hi! waiter, what do you call this soup?
+
+_Waiter (meekly)._ I not know, sir, but ze padrone tell me to describe
+'im cocks-tail!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE COMING MAN."--A waiter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SO VERY CONSCIENTIOUS!--_Master of the House._ "Why,
+Jenkins, what on earth is the matter with you? Aren't you ashamed of
+yourself?"
+
+_Butler (with great deliberation)_, "Well, shir--if you pleashe,
+shir--itsh not quite _my_ fault. You told me to taste every bottle of
+wine before dinner, in cashe one should be corked. I've only carried out
+in-shtrucshuns."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE VERB TO DINE
+
+PRESENT TENSE
+
+  I dine.
+  Thou joinest me.
+  He tries to whip us up for a division.
+  We smoke our cigars.
+  Ye drink your port.
+  They are defeated in the lobby.
+
+IMPERFECT TENSE
+
+  I was dining.
+  Thou wast holding a reception.
+  He was attending it.
+  We were feeling puzzled.
+  Ye were reading the _Globe_ and _Pall Mall_.
+  They were not knowing what to make of it.
+
+FUTURE TENSE
+
+  I shall dine.
+  Thou wilt join my party.
+  He will squirm.
+  We shall promote the unity of the party.
+  Ye will applaud.
+  They will call a meeting at the "Reform."
+
+PERFECT TENSE
+
+  I have dined.
+  Thou hast made ambiguous remarks.
+  He has explained them away.
+  We have tried to make it all sweet again.
+  Ye have split a soda.
+  They have split the party.
+
+SUBJUNCTIVE PRESENT
+
+  I may dine.
+  Thou mayest object.
+  He may want to state his views.
+  We may insist on our dinners.
+  Ye may agree with them.
+  They may disagree with you.
+
+SUBJUNCTIVE IMPERFECT
+
+  I might dine.
+  Thou mightest emerge from Berkeley Square.
+  He might resign.
+  We might lead.
+  Ye might follow.
+  They might not.
+
+IMPERATIVE
+
+  Dine thou!
+  Let him speak out!
+  Let us know who is our leader!
+  Read ye the _Times_ and _Globe_!
+  Let them settle the question for us!
+
+INFINITIVE
+
+  Present: To split.
+  Past: To have been a party.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AFTER-DINNER CONSIDERATION.--"Hippopotamuses" is a better test-word of
+fitness for joining the ladies than "British Constitution."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DISCUSSING AN ABSENT FRIEND
+
+"Yes, Robinson's a clever feller, and he's a modest feller, and he's a
+honest feller; but, betwixt you and I and the _post_, Mr. Jones," said
+Brown, confidentially, picking his wisdom tooth with his little finger
+nail, "Robinson ain't got neither the looks, nor yet the language, nor
+yet the manners of a _gentleman_!"
+
+"Right you are, sir!" said Jones, shovelling the melted remains of his
+ice pudding into his mouth with a steel knife (which he afterwards wiped
+on the tablecloth). "_You've 'it 'im orf to a T!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Convivial._ "'Sh two o'clock! Wha'll er misshus
+shay?"
+
+_Second Convivial._ "Thash allri'! Shay you bin wi' me--(_hic_)!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "IN CONFIDENCE"
+
+_Dining-room, Apelles Club_
+
+_Diner._ "Thomson, do the members ask for this wine?"
+
+_Head Waiter (sotto voce)._ "Not twice, sir!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SPECIMENS OF MR. PUNCH'S SIGNATURES!
+
+(_Fac-similes taken during the course of the evening._)
+
+[Illustration: Punch]
+
+THIS IS BEFORE DINNER, 7.30. ATTESTED BY SEVERAL WITNESSES.
+
+[Illustration: Punch]
+
+THIS IS AFTER THE PUNCH A LA ROMAINE, ABOUT THE MIDDLE OF THE BANQUET.
+
+[Illustration: Punch]
+
+THIS IS WITH THE DESSERT.
+
+[Illustration: Punch]
+
+AFTER THE CLARET.
+
+[Illustration: Punch]
+
+AFTER THE CLARET _AND_ THE PORT.
+
+[Illustration: Punch]
+
+DURING THE CIGARS, WHISKEY AND WATER.
+
+[Illustration: Punch]
+
+12.30. BEFORE LEAVING TABLE.
+
+[Illustration: Punch]
+
+1.30. BEFORE GETTING INTO BED.
+
+The above have been submitted to an eminent expert, who says he could
+almost swear they are the same hand-writing, but must come and dine with
+_Mr. P._, in order absolutely to verify them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A BAD ENDING.--"Well, William, what's become of Robert?"
+"What, 'aven't you 'eard, sir?" "No! Not _defunct_, I hope!" "That's
+just exactly what he _'as_ done, sir, and walked off with heverything he
+could lay his 'ands on!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A SALVE FOR THE CONSCIENCE
+
+_Vegetarian Professor._ "No, madam, not even fish. I cannot sanction the
+destruction of life. These little creatures, for instance, were but
+yesterday swimming happily in the sea."
+
+_Mrs. O'Laughlan._ "Oh but, Professor, just think it's the first time
+the poor little things have ever been really warm in their lives!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FELICITOUS QUOTATION
+
+"Oh, Robert, the grouse has been kept too long! I wonder you can eat
+it!"
+
+"My dear, 'we needs must love the highest when we see it.'"
+
+(_Guinevere._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Little Boreham_ (_relating his Alpine adventures_).
+"There I stood, the terrible abyss yawning at my feet----" _That Brute
+Brown._ "Was it yawning when you got there, or did it start after you
+arrived?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: At a dinner given by my Lord Broadacres to some of his
+tenants, curacoa is handed in a liqueur-glass to old Turnitops, who,
+swallowing it with much relish, says--"Oi zay, young man! Oi'll tak zum
+o' that in a moog!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PRICE FOR AGE
+
+_Mr. Green._ "You needn't be afraid of that glass of wine, uncle. It's
+thirty-four port, you know."
+
+_Uncle._ "Thirty-four port!--Thirty-four fiddlesticks! It's no more
+thirty-four port than you are!"
+
+_Mr. Green._ "It _is_ I can assure you! Indeed, it's _really
+thirty-six_; and _thirty-four if you return the bottles_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FLUNKEIANA
+
+_Master._ "Thompson, I believe that I have repeatedly expressed an
+objection to being served with stale bread at dinner. How is it my
+wishes have not been attended to?"
+
+_Thompson._ "Well, sir, I reely don't know what is to be done! It won't
+do to waste it, and we _can't_ eat it downstairs!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CONCLUSIVE
+
+SCENE--_Hibernian Table d'hote_
+
+_Guest._ "Waiter! I say--this is pork! I want mutton!"
+
+_Waiter_ (_rather bustled_). "Yes, sorr, it's mutton ye _want_--but it's
+pork ye'll _have_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAMBLING RONDEAUX
+
+_At Table d'hote_
+
+  At _table d'hote_, I quite decline
+  To sit there and attempt to dine!
+    Of course you never dine, but "feed,"
+    And gobble up with fearsome greed
+  A hurried meal you can't define.
+
+  The room is close, and, I opine,
+  I should not like the food or wine;
+    While all the guests are dull indeed
+            At _table d'hote_!
+
+  The clatter and the heat combine
+  One's appetite to undermine.
+    When noisy waiters take no heed,
+    But change the plates at railway speed--
+  I feel compelled to "draw my line"
+            At _table d'hote_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUFFICIENT EXCUSE
+
+_Jones_ (_to Brown_). I say, old fellow, I saw you last night, after
+that dinner. Your legs were uncommonly unsteady.
+
+_Brown._ No, dear boy; legs were right enough. It was my trousers that
+were so "tight."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CRUEL!--_Lucullus Brown_ (_on hospitable purpose
+intent_). "Are you dining anywhere to-morrow night?" _Jones_ (_not
+liking to absolutely "give himself away"_). "Let me
+see"--(_considers_)--"No; I'm not dining anywhere to-morrow." _Lucullus
+Brown_ (_seeing through the artifice_). "Um! Poor chap! How hungry you
+will be!" ["_Exeunt,--severally._"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CANDID!
+
+_Simultaneously_
+
+_Host (smacking his lips)._ "Now, what do you say to that glass of
+she----"
+
+_Guest._ "My dear fellow, where did you get this abominable Marsala?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GUESTS TO BE AVOIDED
+
+"Hullo, old man! How is it you're dining at the club? Thought your wife
+told me she had the Browns and Smiths to dinner this evening?"
+
+"No--that was yesterday. This evening she has the odds and ends."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SECTARIAN
+
+"Hullo, John! What a jolly dish! Potatoes, greens, carrots, beans! Who's
+it for?"
+
+"Mr. Binks, sir."
+
+"Is Mr. Binks a _vegetarian_?"
+
+"Oh no, sir! I believe he's Church of England!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "TO PUT IT BROADLY"
+
+_Improvised Butler_ (_to distinguished guest_). "Will ye take anny more
+drink, sor?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _First Customer._ "Waiter, a fried sole."
+
+_Second Customer._ "Bring me a fried sole, too, waiter--and mind it is
+fresh."
+
+_Waiter._ "Two fried soles--one fresh!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AFTER MANY YEARS!--_Country Parson_ (_to distinguished
+Peer, who has been making_ THE _speech of the evening_). "How d'ye do,
+my lord? I see you don't quite remember me." _Distinguished Peer._
+"Well--er--not altogether." _C. P._ "We were members of the same club at
+Oxford." _D. P._ (_with awakening interest_). "Oh--ah! Let me see--which
+club was that?" _C. P._ "The--er--_Toilet Club_, you know!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID
+
+_She._ "We expected you to dinner last night, Herr Professor. We waited
+half an hour for you. I hope it was not _illness_ that prevented you
+from coming?"
+
+_He._ "Ach, no! I vas not hongry!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DILEMMA
+
+_Nervous Gentleman_ (_to two sisters_). "I've got to take one of you in
+to dinner. A--a--let me see--a--which is the elder?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID
+
+_Jones_ (_to hostess, famous for her dinners_). "Oh, by the way, Mrs.
+Hodgkinson, if you should happen to want a really good cook, I know of
+one who would suit you to a T!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RULING PASSION STRONG AT DINNER
+
+_Laconic Waiter_ (_thoroughly familiar with sporting Major's taste in
+champagne_). "Seventy-four, sir?"
+
+_Sporting Major_ (_down on his luck, after a bad week at Newmarket_).
+"Seven-to-four, sir! Dash it! wouldn't take ten to one about anything!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CAUSE AND
+
+_Host_ (_to coachman, who is turned on as butler on grand occasions_).
+"I want you to see that all my guests enjoy themselves, Coggledab. Don't
+let them have to ask for anything. Be particularly attentive to my dear
+aunt, Mrs. Dumbledock!"]
+
+       * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: EFFECT
+
+_Coggledab_ (_in a stage-whisper, during a lull in the conversation, to
+Mrs. Dumbledock, who has recently joined the Blue Ribbon Army._)
+"'Ollands, whiskey, or cog-nack, mum? You can't be enjy-in' of yourself.
+_You're not drinkin'!_"
+
+[_Mrs. Dumbledock alters her will the next day_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LITTLE DINNER OF THE FUTURE
+
+_A Forecast by Mr. Punch's Own Clairvoyant_
+
+    According to the _Daily Chronicle_, "an American professor is
+    looking forward to the time when cooking and dining shall become
+    lost arts, and we shall take our sustenance in the form of tablets
+    of concentrated things." Our esteemed contemporary appears to think
+    that such a system would necessarily do away with all conviviality
+    and social intercourse; but, unless MR. PUNCH'S clairvoyant is
+    liable to error (which is absurd), we need not take quite so gloomy
+    a view of the future. People will still entertain, only the dinner
+    of the next century will be a more economical and less tedious
+    function, and, instead of having to go through a trying interview
+    with her cook, the coming hostess will merely look in at the nearest
+    food chemist's, when some such conversation as the following will
+    settle the whole business.
+
+_Hostess._ We've some people coming in to take a few tablets with us
+this evening; what do you think I'd better have?
+
+_The Food Chemist._ You will require _soup_, of course, madam. I could
+send you one of these patent soup-sprinklers, exceedingly simple to
+work, and quite the fashion in the highest circles: the butler sprays
+each guest before showing them upstairs. We supply the machine, charged
+with the very best soup, at ninepence a night.
+
+_Hostess._ No, I don't want anything _fussy_, it's quite an informal
+little gathering. An ounce of those mock-turtle jujubes at fourpence I
+had last time will do very well.
+
+_The F. C._ Very good, madam. Then, with regard to fish? I can strongly
+recommend these bi-carbonate of cod and oyster sauce lozenges, or I have
+some sulphate of salmon and cucumber pastilles, that I think you would
+like, ninepence the quarter-of-a-pound.
+
+_Hostess._ I'm afraid I mustn't be extravagant. I'll take a small bottle
+of condensed smelt tabloids (the _sixpenny_ size), and what are left
+will come in nicely for the children's dinner next day.
+
+_The F. C._ Precisely so, madam. And as to _entrees_--will you have
+cockscomb cachous or sweetbread pilules?
+
+_Hostess._ It makes such a _long_ dinner. I don't want a lot of things.
+
+_The F. C._ In _that_ case, madam, I think I have the very article--a
+most elegant electro-chemical preparation, combining _entree_, joint,
+and bird, with just a trace of vegetable matter, put up in small
+capsules, at one and elevenpence halfpenny the box of one dozen.
+
+_Hostess._ That would be cheaper than having each course in separate
+tablets, _wouldn't_ it? I think I'll try a box. What wonderful
+improvements they bring out nowadays, to be sure!
+
+_The F. C._ They do indeed, madam. I am told that the Concentrated Food
+Stores will shortly be able to place on the market a series of graduated
+wafers, each containing a complete dinner, from a City banquet to a
+cutlet, at prices to correspond with the number of courses required.
+
+_Hostess._ Delightful! And then the most expensive dinners will be all
+over in a minute, instead of dragging on to ten minutes or a quarter of
+an hour, as I've known them to do sometimes! I've often thought what a
+pity it is that we waste so much precious time as we do in merely
+supplying our bodily wants.
+
+_The F. C._ We are improving, madam, slowly improving. And what about
+sweets, cheese, and savouries?
+
+_Hostess._ I might have one of those two-inch blocks of condensed
+apple-tart, and a box of cheese pills--_no_ savouries. You see, it's
+only a _family_ party!
+
+_The F. C._ Exactly so, madam. And shall you be needing anything in the
+way of stimulants?
+
+_Hostess._ Let me see--you may send me in a couple of ounces of
+acidulated champagne drops--the _Australian_ quality, _not_ the French,
+they're twopence an ounce dearer, and so few people notice the
+difference nowadays, do they?
+
+_The F. C._ (_to himself_). Not until the next morning! (_Aloud._) And
+liqueurs? Any brandy-balls with the coffee creams? We have some very
+fine essence-of-dessert jellies----. _Hostess_ Nothing more, thank you.
+(_To herself as she departs._) I'm sure I've spent quite enough as it is
+on John's stingy old relations, who never ask us to have so much as a
+lunch-lozenge or a tea-tabloid with them!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Lady of uncertain age_ (_discussing dinner party_). No, I cannot say it
+was very complimentary; they gave me to an archaeologist to take down.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Jones._ "Yes, my boy, _there's_ wine for you, eh? I
+bought ten pounds worth of it the other day."
+
+_Brown._ "What a _lot_ you must have got!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A BIG ORDER
+
+_Stout Party_ (_to waitress_), "Put me on a pancake, please!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT A LITERARY AND ARTISTIC BANQUET.--_Waiter_ (_to
+colleague_). "Well, they may 'ave the intellec', Fred, but we certainly
+'as the good looks!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Why not a phonographic after-dinner speech machine?
+Celebrities could be represented at any number of banquets.
+
+["An experiment in dinner speeches by telephone is to be tried at
+Massachusetts Institute."]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE
+
+_Would-be Considerate Hostess (to son of the house)._ "How inattentive
+you are, John! You really must look after Mr. Brown. _He's helping
+himself to everything!_"
+
+[_Discomfiture of Brown, who, if somewhat shy, is conscious of a very
+healthy appetite._]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD(N'T) RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.--(_In Mrs.
+Talbot de Vere Skynflynte's drawing-room, after one of her grand
+dinner-parties where nobody gets enough to eat._) _General Guzzleton._
+"What's that? Tea? No, thanks. I never take tea unless I've dined!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROVERBS FOR BALL AND DINNER GIVERS
+
+Ices and tea and coffee and small cakes are as good as a feast.
+
+You may bring an amateur tenor up to a piano, but you cannot make him
+sing.
+
+A lord in the room is worth two dukes in the bush.
+
+In provincial society the lord-lieutenant is king.
+
+Flirtation is the mother of invention.
+
+All good dances lead to the conservatory.
+
+Take care of the rounds, and the squares will look after themselves.
+
+It is a wise waltzer who knows her own step.
+
+A dinner in time saves nine.
+
+When the confectioner comes in by the door the cook flies out by the
+window.
+
+What is port to your wine merchant is death to your guests.
+
+Keep your champagne dry.
+
+Call a stable-boy by any other name, and he will resemble the rose
+under similar circumstances.
+
+You can't make a head butler out of a local greengrocer.
+
+When the soup is cold, the wit flies out.
+
+If you have enough cheap and nasty dishes, some of them must be eaten.
+
+The _menu_ makes the dinner.
+
+Ask _Mr. Punch_ to a really good and well thought-out meal, and you will
+have an exceptionally lucky man for your guest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SIGH OF THE SEASON
+
+  Good-bye dinner, good-bye lunch,
+  Good-bye turtle, good-bye punch,
+  Good-bye jambon soaked in cham.,
+  Good-bye venison, cutlets lamb,
+  Good-bye salmon, smelts, and sole,
+  Good-bye Heidsieck's monopole,
+  Good-bye hock, sauterne, and sherry,
+  Good-bye all that makes me merry,
+  Good-bye liqueurs, _petit verre_,
+  Good-bye sauce _au Vin Madere_,
+  Good-bye all these joys of life,
+  Good-bye fork, and good-bye knife,
+  Good-bye all I take when out,
+  Good-bye _then_ this twinge of gout!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Our Gallant Colonel._ "Your daughters, my dear Mrs.
+Tympanum, are looking delightful to-night--simply delightful!"
+
+_Mrs. Tympanum (rather hard of hearing, and very intent on a roti of
+ducklings)._ "Yes, aren't they! I've had them stuffed with sage and
+onions!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CRUEL!--_Smith (usually a shy, reserved, and silent man)
+tells a rather long, but otherwise entertaining, story, about an orange,
+which meets with great success. Brown (when the laughter and applause
+have subsided)._ "Bravo, Smith! Capital, old man! But, I say, you told
+it better one night at Jones's, a few months ago!" _Jones._ "No, no!
+Where he told it best was that morning we breakfasted with you, Brown,
+somewhere about the beginning of the year before last!" _Robinson._ "Ah,
+but don't you recollect the way he told it after that supper I gave you
+fellows at Evans' in 'fifty-one'? How we _did_ laugh, to be sure!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHOSE FAULT?--_Wife (reproachfully)._ "O, Charles!" (_She
+had returned to the dining-room, wondering why he had not come upstairs
+to tea.) Charles (who had evidently taken a little too much wine)._ "V'y
+well, my dear! 'Sh not my fault! 'Sh your fault! Cooksh fault! 'Bisque
+soup was salt! Sh'preme d'la V'laille was smoked! And orange frittersh
+'tough as leather! What did Capt'n du Cane shay? Bad cookery cause of
+all sorts o' crimes. 'Shamed of yourshelf!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+"For when our veins are filled
+With wine and feeding, we have suppler souls
+Than in our priest-like fasts."--SHAKSPEARE: _Coriolanus_.
+
+AFTER-DINNER CRITICISM.--_Guest (who has had a pleasant evening, will
+just have a look at his host's pictures before he goes)._
+"Yesh--(_hic_)--'like tha' pictsh're! Fi' lanshc'pe! 'Like the treesh!
+'Branshes wave 'bout s' nash'rally!!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DINNER PLATITUDES
+
+Twice of soup is vulgar, but three times of soup implies that you must
+be more than double-plated with vulgarity. Such a thing was never known,
+not even at the Trinity Board, and turtle is not the slightest excuse
+for your pushing things to such a vulgar length. An alderman would
+really blush for you.
+
+A soft answer turneth away wrath, and an invitation to take a glass of
+wine will frequently restore warmth between two friends where only
+coldness existed before.
+
+No matter how plain your cook may be, so long as your dinner is
+well-dressed.
+
+A few compliments go a great way. A little savoury _pate_ is quite
+enough. Try too many, and you'll find they'll prove heavy.
+
+When the ladies retire from the dinner-table, it is not usual for you
+(supposing you to be a gentleman) to retire with them. In this instance,
+the same law extends to the mistress as to the servants:--"No Followers
+Allowed."
+
+A gratuity well bestowed frequently has a happy effect. The servant that
+is fee'd well takes care that his master does the same.
+
+In the hands of an inferior _artiste_, whether an omelette turns out
+good or bad, is quite a matter of toss up. It is the same with a
+pancake.
+
+Keep ill-natured people from your table, as you would sour fruit. They
+are sure to disagree with every one. Avoid crab-apples, lest the apple
+of discord should turn up amongst them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ODE TO A DINNER-GONG
+
+  "The tocsin of the soul--the dinner-bell."
+    So said, admiringly, the late Lord Byron,
+  But he had never heard _your_ noisy knell,
+    O blatant bellowing thing of brass or iron,
+  Or surely he had metrically cursed
+    Your nerve-distracting Corybantic clangour.
+
+  Would his fine indignation could have versed
+    My utter hate, my agonising anger.
+  Alas! is gusto then so great a sin,
+    Is feeding man so terrible a sinner
+  That such a worse than _Duncan_-raising din
+    Must summon him to--dinner?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DOWN A PEG.--_Mr. Gifted Hopkins (minor poet, essayist,
+critic, golfer, fin-de-siecle idol, &c.)._ "Oh, Mrs. Smart--a--I've been
+thinking, for the last twenty minutes, of something to say to you!"
+_Mrs. Smart (cheerfully)._ "Please go on thinking, Mr. Hopkins,--and
+I'll go on talking to Professor Brayne in the meantime."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PAST AND PRESENT.--_Serious and much-married man._ "My
+dear friend, I _was_ astonished to hear of _your_ dining at Madame
+Troisetoiles!--a 'woman with a past' you know!"
+
+_The Friend_ (_bachelor "unattached"_). "Well, you see, old man, she got
+a first-rate _chef_, so it isn't her 'past,' but her 're-past' that _I_
+care about."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CONNOISSEUR.--_Sir Pompey Bedell._ "This bottle of
+Romanee-conti seems rather cloudy, Brown! It _ought_ to be all right. I
+know it stands me in _twelve guineas a dozen_!"
+
+_The New Butler._ "There certainly _his_ some sediment, Sir Pompey; but
+it's of no consequence whatever! I tried a bottle of it _myself_ the
+other day, and found it first-rate!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PIOUS FRAUD!
+
+"Hullo, Monty, what have you got in your button-hole? You don't mean to
+say you've joined the blue ribbon army?"
+
+"Yes; for this night only. Going to dine with Jakes. Don't want to hurt
+poor old Jakes' feelings--don't want to be poisoned by his beastly wine.
+See?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN THE DAYS OF THE CRINOLINE--DINING UNDER DIFFICULTIES]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: REPLETION.--_Robert._ "Pudding or cheese, sir?"
+
+_Abstracted Editor._ "Owing to pressure of other matter, 'regret we are
+unable to find room for it!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Brown_ (_who has been dining at the club with Jones_).
+"Just come in a minute, old fellow, and have a night-cap."
+
+_Jones._ "I'm afraid it's getting a little late. Let's see how's the
+enemy."
+
+_Brown._ "Oh! that's all right. _She's_ in bed."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INNOCENTS IN THE CITY
+
+_Mrs. Fitznoodle_ (_evidently not well versed in the delicacies of a
+Guildhall feast_). "Freddy, dear, can you tell me what _is_ the
+difference between 'calipash' and 'calipee'?"
+
+_Colonel Fitznoodle_ (_hesitating, and looking round for an
+answer_). "Certainly, my dear. Exactly the difference there is between
+'Gog' and 'Magog'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DINNERS AND DINERS
+
+(_With apologies to the P-ll M-ll G-z-tte_)
+
+It had been my good fortune to give to Mademoiselle Faustine, a charming
+little actress, a tip for the Welter Plate last spring. What more
+natural than that I should ask her to give me a dinner as some slight
+return? She readily accepted, and asked me to name the day. Glancing at
+the sixth volume of my engagement book, I found my first vacant date was
+June 18, '97. This was fortunate, as it is hardly possible--except at
+Voisin's--to get a decent dinner unless you order it a year in advance.
+
+"Where shall we dine?" asked Faustine.
+
+"There is only one place where people _do_ dine," I answered, a little
+reproachfully. "The Bon Marche. I will order the dinner."
+
+So the place and the date were fixed.
+
+       * * * * *
+
+As Faustine was a quarter of an hour late--I had not seen her since our
+arrangement--I waited in the alabaster portico of the Bon Marche,
+chatting amiably to the courteous commissionaire, an old comrade of mine
+in the Wimbledon days. Jules, the courteous _chef_, was _au desespoir_.
+Why had I not given him more notice? Madame was fifteen minutes late. If
+he had only known! In a year and fifteen minutes it is possible to cook
+a dinner. In a year--no. I tried to calm the worthy fellow--an old ally
+of mine in the Crimean war. In vain; he complained the sardines were
+spoiling. So I went into the dining-room, nodding courteously to eight
+princes of the blood, neither of whom appeared, for the moment, to
+recognise me.
+
+As I seated myself, the entire staff, headed by a brass band, brought me
+my _sardines a l'huile_. These are a _specialite_ of the house, and are
+never--should never be, at least--eaten with the tin. The _potage a la
+potasse_ was quite excellent. I congratulated the courteous _chef_,
+pointing out to him the desirability of mixing, sometimes, a little
+anti-pyrine into the potassium--both drugs far too rarely used in modern
+cookery. Then came the question of wine. This I solved for the moment
+by ordering two Jeroboams of Stereoscopic Company et Fils; a _cuvee_ of
+'80, absolutely _reservee_ for my own use. As I had engaged the entire
+staff of waiters, a crown prince, who was entertaining one of our
+leading bicyclists, rose to leave, with his guest. I smiled and nodded
+to them as they passed, which appeared to hasten their departure.
+
+The _moulin a vent_ was delicious, but the _dindon decousu_ I could not
+pass. No self-respecting _gourmet_ will pass everything at a dinner.
+
+Gontran, the kindly _maitre d'hotel_, was almost in tears, but I
+consoled him by observing that the ostriches were cooked to a turn, and
+the _bombe glacee a l'anarchiste_ faultless.
+
+But my hostess? Where was she? Where was Mademoiselle Faustine? I had
+quite forgotten her! I beckoned to Hagenbock, the press representative
+of the restaurant, who informed me she had been dead eight months! I,
+who read nothing but menus, had omitted to notice this in the papers. I
+was greatly pained. The shock unnerved me--I could eat no more. Besides,
+who was now to pay the bill?
+
+I reproduce the bill.
+
+Couverts, L5. Diners, L36 8_s._ Pain, 2_s._ Champagne, L47. Liqueurs,
+15_s._ Addition, 3_s._
+
+In all, L89 8_s._--(This is one of the few restaurants where a charge is
+made for the addition.)
+
+"Make out the bill," said I, "in francs, and send it to the executors of
+Mademoiselle Faustine."
+
+II.
+
+Monsieur Victor de Train-de-Luxe is in many respects a delightful
+person. In other ways he is not. For instance, because he was,
+accidentally, the cause of my backing a winner at Ascot (simply by means
+of ordinary stable information), he had the bad taste to suggest that I
+should stand him a dinner.
+
+I said, "Certainly, my dear Comte" (Comte being the courtesy title I
+invariably give to foreigners from whom I have the hope of borrowing
+money).
+
+"Where shall it be?"
+
+"There is only one place where one _can_ dine," I said.
+
+"Of course--the Bon Marche," he replied.
+
+"No," I answered. "No, _mon ami_. If you wish to eat a really
+characteristic English dinner, come to the Vegetarian Restaurant in
+Edgware Road. Come along. Come, _now_!"
+
+"But it's only six o'clock. I am not hungry."
+
+"All the better," I replied. And I also pointed out to him that the best
+way to see London is outside an omnibus. So we started.
+
+       * * * * *
+
+Arrived at the restaurant, I was enthusiastically received by the
+courteous cashier, who presented me with a previous bill, which, I
+noticed, had not been receipted. I said I thought it rather rude to
+present a gentleman with a bill which they hadn't taken the trouble to
+receipt.
+
+We sat down.
+
+"I'm glad," I said to Victor, "that I didn't know this dinner was coming
+off to-day. If I had had notice, I might have ordered it beforehand; and
+a dinner, to be perfection, should be eaten, if possible, on the day it
+is cooked. At least, that's what I always think. I may be wrong."
+
+Monsieur de Train-de-Luxe smiled, said I was a _farceur_, and I ordered
+our dinner.
+
+First, some turnip turtle soup, then, ortolans of spinach and mashed
+potatoes, followed by a canvas-backed duck made of Indian corn, and
+last, not least, plum-pudding. As all will agree, this makes a very
+delicious and seasonable repast. Long dinners have quite gone out of
+fashion. And this was washed down with a sparkling bottle of orange
+champagne, '97.
+
+My friend Victor, who is rather a _gourmet_, was so struck with the
+first mouthful of soup, that he said it was quite enough, observing, he
+had never tasted anything like it.
+
+Pleased with this praise, I asked his opinion of the ortolans. He said
+that their aroma dispensed with the necessity for their consumption. He
+was evidently surprised.
+
+When the bill was presented by the courteous "chucker-out," we found
+that most unluckily neither of us had any money.
+
+I append the bill.
+
+Dinners (for two), 1_s._ 9_d._ Champagne, 3_d._ Total, 2_s._
+
+To this I ought really to add:--
+
+Cab (for three) to Marylebone Police Court, 1_s_. 6_d_. (The constable
+refused to walk without us.)
+
+Loss to reputation by report of proceedings, 8_d_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BUSINESS OF PLEASURE
+
+_Professor Guzzleton_ (_to Fair Chatterbox_). Are you aware that our
+host has a French cook?
+
+_Fair Chatterbox._ So I hear!
+
+_Professor Guzzleton._ And that that French cook is the best in London?
+
+_Fair Chatterbox._ So I believe!
+
+_Professor Guzzleton._ Then don't you think we had better defer all
+further conversation till we meet again in the drawing-room?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"My uncle, the admiral," said Mrs. Ramsbotham, "is very old fashioned,
+and always goes to sleep every day after dinner with his banana on his
+head."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SYMPATHETIC
+
+_Toast-master_ (_to chairman of public dinner_). "Would you like to
+propose your toast now, my lord, or should we let 'em enjoy themselves a
+bit longer?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INFELICITOUS MISQUOTATIONS.--_Hostess._ "You've eaten
+hardly anything, Mr. Simpkins!"
+
+_Mr. S._ "My dear lady, I've dined '_wisely, but not too well_!'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TRIUMPHS OF THE FUNNY MAN
+
+_Hired Waiter_ (_handing the liqueurs_). "_Please_, sir, _don't_ make me
+laugh--I shall spill 'em all!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OVERHEARD AT A CITY RESTAURANT
+
+"I said Welsh _radish_, not _horse rabbit_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IRRESISTIBLE
+
+_Our Robert_ (_on duty in the provinces, offering dish to neglected
+spinster_). "Little duck!"
+
+[_In such a tone of voice, that, at the risk of the sage and----she
+accepts!_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Host._ "I say, my boy, shall we join ladies in
+drawing-room?"
+
+_Guest._ "I sh'inksho."
+
+_Host._ "Can you say, 'The scenery's truly rural 'bout here?'"
+
+_Guest._ "Sc-scenery tooralooral."
+
+_Host._ "All right, come along!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HE KNEW THE CUISINE.--_Hungry Diner_ (_scanning the
+menu_). "Look here, waiter, I'm starving. I think I'll have a little of
+everything!"
+
+_Waiter._ "Yessir. (_Bawls off._) 'Ash one!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AFTER-DINNER SPEECHES
+
+  "When the wine is in, the wit is out;"
+    Only to dolts the adage reaches.
+  No wise man could for a moment doubt
+    The value of after-dinner speeches.
+
+  _Punch_ can remember the time when Peel,
+    Whose wisdom still the country teaches,
+  After steak and port, his nine o'clock meal,
+    Made the best of after-dinner speeches.
+
+  When the Ministers come to the Mansion House,
+    (The King of London their presence beseeches,)
+  No guest who has any touch of _nous_
+    Will be weary of after-dinner speeches.
+
+  When the Royal Academy blooms in May,
+    With its pretty girls and their cheeks like peaches
+  Who won't, on the opening Saturday,
+    Listen to after-dinner speeches?
+
+  When there's ought that's generous to be done,
+    A greeting to pay that no soul impeaches,
+  A dinner's the best thing under the sun,
+    And its gold coin the after-dinner speeches.
+
+  And as to the House, which often suffers
+    From talk that to dreariest platitude reaches,
+  It does not often allow its duffers
+    To make long after-dinner speeches.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCENE--CHOP-HOUSE
+
+_Enter Street Boy, and, with suppressed ecstasy._ "Oh, please, there's
+your cat and kittens having such a game with the things in the winder!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE CRIC-CRAC RESTAURANT
+
+_Customer_ (_looking at bill_). Here, waiter, there's surely some
+mistake in this total.
+
+_Waiter_ (_politely_). Zehn thousand pardons, sir! Mit my usual
+carelessness I have added in ze date and vorgot to charge you for ze
+butter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN OVERSIGHT!
+
+_Swell._ Waiter! This--ah--chop's vewy dwy!
+
+_Waiter._ 'Ndeed, sir? Perhaps if you were to order something to drink
+with it, sir----
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A REBUKE
+
+_Host._ "Fish is very expensive, just now, I can tell you. This salmon
+cost me two and sixpence a pound!"
+
+_Guest_ (_no business of his_). "Ah, it's very good, I think I'll take
+another eighteen penn'orth!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CAUTION
+
+_The Major._ "Don't you like liqueurs, Mrs. Jinks?"
+
+_Mrs. Jinks._ "Yes; but they make one so _unreserved_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A BORN ORATOR (IN THE EAST)
+
+_Farmer_ (_proposing landlord's health_). "An' if a' squiears 'ud _dew_
+as our squiear _dew_, there wudna be so many on 'em as _dew_ as they
+_dew dew_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NO EXCUSE FOR NOT BELIEVING.--"Then you don't believe in
+phrenology?" "No, rather not. I once gave one of those fellows a
+sovereign to read my head, and, after feeling it a long time, all he
+said was, that I had no idea of the value of money."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE PUT DIFFERENTLY.--_Mr.
+Bumblepup._ "I must apologise for coming in ordinary evening dress."
+_Hostess._ "Well, you really have the advantage of us. We're all looking
+more foolish than usual, and you're not."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mr. Boreham_ (_in the thick of a long and pointless
+story_). "Well, as I was saying, I happened to be in the City the other
+day, and, as I was walking down Cheapside, whom should I meet but my old
+friend, Stodgeley, whom I haven't seen for fifteen years. Well, what do
+you think he did? He stopped dead when he saw me, slapped me on the
+shoulder, and said, 'Surely this must be my dear old friend, Boreham?'"
+_She_ (_with difficulty keeping awake_). "Yes?--_and was it_?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Hostess_ (_to friend who has been brought in to take
+pot-luck_). "I'm afraid, Mr. Simpson, we've only got a very poor dinner
+to offer you."
+
+_Mr. Simpson._ "My dear Mrs. Jones, I beg you not to apologise! I assure
+you I think it quite desirable to _underfeed_ occasionally!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DINNER CHAIRMAN'S VADE MECUM
+
+(_Compiled for the use of Orators during the Month of May Mouthings_)
+
+_Question._ You are accustomed to take the chair at a public dinner?
+
+_Answer._ Yes. Or, to speak by the card, a dinner for the rest of the
+company.
+
+_Q._ Why, do you not partake of the good cheer before you with the rest
+of your convives?
+
+_A._ Certainly not. I have to speak later on--a consideration which
+entirely destroys my appetite.
+
+_Q._ Is there anything new to be said in the loyal toasts?
+
+_A._ No; and therefore it is better to return to the simplest form,
+which is sure to be received with heartfelt enthusiasm.
+
+_Q._ What can be said about the united service?
+
+_A._ That it is absolutely delightful to expend millions in the
+furtherance of their interests.
+
+_Q._ And can anything interesting be put in about the Houses of
+Parliament?
+
+_A._ Not much. Sneers at the Lords are no longer popular, and the Lower
+House is too respectable to be anything but a dull subject.
+
+_Q._ What about the toast of the evening?
+
+_A._ That must be left to the secretary, who will furnish the chairman
+with the necessary facts, which may be mixed with original remarks,
+two-thirds humorous to one-third pathetic.
+
+_Q._ How are the visitors to be treated?
+
+_A._ With fulsome eulogy or comic depreciation inspired by the pages of
+that excellent manual, _Who's Who_. Particular attention can be paid to
+the entries under "Recreations" in that admirable work, for appropriate
+chaff.
+
+_Q._ And in what terms does a chairman respond to the toast of his own
+health?
+
+_A._ In a few muttered words addressed to an audience composed of a
+gentleman fast asleep, the toast-master, and the waiters.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOCIAL AGONIES.--"I say, old chap, it's short notice, but
+_do_ come and dine this next Thursday!" "Can't, dear old man. I'm
+engaged three deep for the night!" "Oh, sorry! I've got the Duke and
+Duchess of Runnymede, and Lord Savory!" "Oh,"--(_seeing it in quite a
+different light_)--"_next_ Thursday, did you say? I thought you said
+Thursday _week_. Oh, yes, I shall be delighted!"
+
+[_Their Graces and Lord S. never turned up, after all!_]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: REASSURING
+
+"Lor' bless yer, sir, that's all right, sir! _That_ ain't a fly,
+sir!--_that's_ a bit of dirt!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BREAKING THE ICE
+
+_Sprightly Lady._ "Mr. Dormers, would you oblige me with----"
+
+_Bashful Curate_ (_who had scarcely spoken to his fair neighbour_). "O,
+certainly. What shall I have the pleasure to offer?----"
+
+_Lady._ "----a remark!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CONNOISSEUR.--_Host_ (_smacking his lips_). "There,
+my boy, what do you think of that? I thought I'd give you a treat.
+That's '34 port, sir!" _Guest._ "Ah, and a very nice, sound wine, I
+should say! I believe it's quite as good as some I gave 37s. for the
+other day."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A GENTLE SNUB.--"Here, waiter--quick! Something to
+eat--and look sharp!" "Yessir. What'll you 'ave, sir?" "Oh--anything--I
+don't care. Chop or steak--whatever you like." "You must excuse me, sir;
+but I don't feel called upon to decide!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE WAY WE LIVE NOW
+
+TIME--3 P.M. SCENE--_Club_.
+
+_First Gilded Youth._ "Had any breakfast, old chappie?"
+
+_Second Gilded Youth._ "Yes. Had an egg beaten up at twelve."
+
+_First Gilded Youth_ (_in admiration_). "Doose you did! What a
+constitution you must have!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE FIRST ASPARAGUS OF THE SEASON
+
+_Farmer_ (_at market dinner_). "Wull, gen'elmen, I dunno wot be the
+c'rect way o' servin' these 'ere, but I gen'elly eats just the ends of
+'em myself!"
+
+[_Helps himself to the tops!_]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE GENIAL SEASON
+
+_Hungry-looking Acquaintance_ (_with eye to invitation_). "So glad to
+see you enjoying yourself!"
+
+_Fat Chap_ (_evidently doing well_). "Wrong again, old man. I'm enjoying
+my dinner!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WAITER'S WARNING
+
+"ENTOMOLOGY IN PARLIAMENT STREET.--Mr. Frank W. DUFREY, 55, Parliament
+Street, writes to the _Field_:--'It will interest your entomological
+readers to hear that a fine specimen of the death's-head hawk moth
+(_Acherontia atropos_) was taken in Parliament Street on Monday evening.
+It flew into the dining-room at the Red Lion Tavern, and was captured by
+one of the waiters, who was alarmed at its size and the peculiar noise
+it made. Apart from its being rather rubbed, it is a very good specimen
+of the largest of our lepidoptera, and is now in my possession.'"
+
+  "William, where's John?
+   What, is he gone?"
+   "Not gone away, sir.
+   Sorry to say, sir;
+   John ill a-bed, sir,
+   Bad in 'is 'ed, sir.
+   'Ad a great fright, sir.
+   Turned 'is 'air wite, sir.
+   Last Monday night, sir."
+    "Struck down with fear!
+  How? Let me hear."
+    "'Orrible thing, sir,
+  Came on the wing sir;
+  Window in through, sir,
+  Suddently flew, sir,
+  Into this room, sir,
+  A shape from the tomb, sir.
+  'Twasn't a bat, sir;
+  No, sir, not that, sir:
+  Moth, sir, we thought, sir.
+  But wen it was caught, sir,
+  Huttered a shriek, sir,
+  A scream, sir, a squeak, sir!
+  Hinsect, you know, sir,
+  Couldn't do so, sir.
+  Wot should we find, sir,
+  On its back, sir, be'ind, sir,
+  Printed, exact, sir?--
+  A skull, sir,--a fact, sir!
+  John gasped for breath, sir;
+  Thought it was Death, sir--
+  Notice to quit, sir.
+  John was that frit, sir,
+  John 'ad a fit, sir--
+  Went a'most mad, sir.
+  John very bad, sir;
+  Better, bimeby, sir;
+  'Opes John won't die, sir.
+  Doctor 'e said, sir,
+  Moth, named death's 'ed, sir,
+  In natteral 'istory, sir;
+  Rare; but no mystery, sir:
+  Honly a prize, sir,
+  A catch in 'is heyes, sir,
+  As a medical gent, sir,
+  No call to repent, sir--
+  That's 'is belief, sir.
+  A sirloin of beef, sir,
+  Just up--very nice, sir.
+  Bring you a slice, sir?
+  Potatoes and greens, sir--
+  And any French beans, sir?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mrs. Godolphin._ "Shall we meet at Dunchester House
+to-morrow?"
+
+_Mrs. Lascelles._ "No. _I_ was there on Monday. I heard there were a few
+people going to-morrow."
+
+_Mrs. Godolphin._ "Oh, yes. She has only asked quite a few people. On
+Monday, now, I hear there was quite a big rabble there!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CONSCIOUSNESS OF IMPORTANCE.--_Mrs. Brown._ "We are
+having some friends to dine with us on the twenty-fourth, Mr. Green, and
+want you to come and help to wait at table, as usual." _The Family
+Greengrocer._ "On the twenty-fourth, ma'am? I'm sorry to say I'm engaged
+on the twenty-fourth." _Mrs. Brown._ "Dear me! How unfortunate! We are
+so accustomed to you, and you know our ways." _Mr. Green._ "Yes, ma'am.
+Couldn't you write and put off your friends till the week _after_,
+ma'am?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID
+
+"By the way, your friend O'Leary dined with me last night. What a dull
+dog he is!"
+
+"Oh, that depends on what company he's in!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID
+
+"You can't go home when it's raining like this. You'd better stay and
+have dinner with us!"
+
+"Oh, it's not quite so bad as _that_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FREAKS OF NATURE
+
+_Waiter._ "Now, then, look sharp! Here's that mutton chop a biling with
+rage at bein' kep' waitin', and a beefsteak gone away in a towering
+passion!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A NEW DISH
+
+_Sympathising Swell_ (_waiting for some chicken_). "You've got no
+sinecure there, Thomas!"
+
+_Perspiring Footman._ "Very sorry, sir--just 'elped the last of it away,
+sir!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ALARMING SYMPTOMS AFTER EATING BOILED BEEF AND GOOSEBERRY
+PIE
+
+_Little Boy._ "Oh, lor, mar, I feel just exactly as if my jacket was
+buttoned."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BROWN AND JONES OVER THEIR WINE
+
+_Jones._ "How would I take Cronstadt? With vigour and decision, nothing
+more easy. My dear Brown, look here. This table is the Baltic, very
+well. Now look--(_Jones places certain strawberries for the forts; the
+city of Cronstadt on this occasion only being represented by a plate of
+gooseberries at the back._) Here we are. The strawberries the forts:
+Cronstadt the gooseberries. Now a little vigour and decision! This spoon
+is the _Duke of Wellington_, three-decker, leading the van. We go in
+here, firing both broadsides at once, to destroy the forts to larboard
+and starboard; while at the same time our guns in the bows and
+stern-sheets smash the other forts before and behind. Very good. We are
+then in front of Cronstadt--the city of Cronstadt. We shell that, sir;
+shell it of course! Blow up the powder-magazines; capitulation ensues;
+the Russian fleet is in a blaze, and, my dear Brown, that is how _I_
+would take Cronstadt----"
+
+_Brown._ "----After dinner."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HEAVY
+
+_Stranger_ (_just arrived at the City of Eastminster_). "What can I have
+for dinner, waiter?"
+
+_Waiter._ "Anything you please, sir!"
+
+_Stranger._ "What are you celebrated for here?"
+
+_Waiter._ "Well, sir, there's the cathedral----!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HORRIBLE SUSPICION
+
+_Old Gentleman._ "Oh, waiter, why is it that a dinner off the joint is
+five shillings, but if you only have made dishes and soup, it's two
+shillings and sixpence?"
+
+_Waiter._ "That, sir, is on account of the very high price of butcher's
+meat just now, sir."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SELF-EXAMINATION
+
+_Party_ (_slightly influenced_). "Queshion ish! Am I fit to go
+intodrawingroom? Letsh shee!--I can shay gloriush conshyshusn!--Have
+seen Brish inshychusion--all that shortothing--thatledo--here gosh!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DURING THE CATTLE SHOW.--_Old Farmer Wuzzle_ (_reading
+the bill of fare_). "Dinners har lar cart! What does that mean, Polly?"
+_Miss Wuzzle_ (_who has been to a fashionable boarding-school to be
+finished, who has been taught French and how "to spank the grand
+pianner" and who is never at a loss_). "Aller cart, father? Why, that
+means a small, simple dinner. If you want something heavy and
+first-rate, you order what they call a dinner waggon!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "MARCH OF REFINEMENT," 1875.--_Brown_ (_behind the age,
+but hungry_). "Give me the bill of fare, waiter."
+
+_Head Waiter._ "Beg pardon, sir?"
+
+_Brown._ "The bill of fare."
+
+_Head Waiter._ "The what, sir? O!--ah!--Yes!"--(_to
+subordinate_)--"Chawles, bring this--this--a--gen'leman--the _menoo_!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "MELTING!"
+
+_Stout Chairman_ (_who feels the fire close at his back rather
+oppressive_). "Waiter, I asked you to bring me a screen."
+
+_Waiter._ "Master's very sorry, sir, but we ain't got no screen!"
+
+_Stout Chairman._ "Then, for goodness' sake, tell the cook to send up
+the dripping-pan, and put it under me, quick!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "I say, waiter, this salmon cutlet isn't half so good as
+the one I had here last week."
+
+"Can't see why, sir. It's off the same fish!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "PLEASE TO REMEMBER THE WAITER"
+
+"All right, sir! My fault!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DRINKING SCENE OF THE FUTURE
+
+(_In consequence of the Growing Demand for Lighter Liquors_)
+
+    SCENE--_The interior of a Dining-room. The ladies have just left,
+    and the gentlemen are discussing their beverages._
+
+_Smith._ I say, Brown, if it is not an impertinent question, where did
+you get that toast-and-water?
+
+_Brown._ I thought you would be deceived! It was a cup, not the pure
+article! My butler is a first-rate hand at it. I will give you the
+recipe if you like.
+
+_Smith._ Do. It was excellent. What _is_ the secret?
+
+_Brown._ Something, I fancy, to do with watercress.
+
+_Jones._ I say, Brown, that was really very nice sherbet. Turkish or
+Persian?
+
+_Brown._ Neither. Came from the Stores. Home-made.
+
+_Jones._ Well, it certainly was capital. I could have sworn that it had
+been manufactured east of the Levant.
+
+_Brown._ More likely east of Temple Bar. And now shall we have a
+whitewash before we join the ladies?
+
+_Six Guests._ No, thanks! Really not!
+
+_Half-a-dozen more of the Company._ Really not! No, thanks!
+
+_Brown._ Nonsense! (_Produces a pint bottle of lemonade._) Nonsense, I
+repeat! Look here, my boys. (_Locks door._) Not one of you fellows shall
+leave the room until you have finished _this_!
+
+    [_Draws cork of pint bottle, and distributes the lemonade amidst the
+    good-natured protestations of the revellers. Scene closes in upon
+    the temperance orgy._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A PERSONAL GRIEVANCE
+
+"I say, won't they let _you_ go into long trousers?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: STUDIES IN ANIMAL LIFE
+
+THE GOORMONG. (_Epicuri de Grege Porcus. British Isles_)
+
+_Mr. Huggins._ "_What_ a 'eavenly dinner it was!"
+
+_Mr. Buggins._ "B'lieve yer! Mykes yer wish yer was born 'oller!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW SCHOOL.--_Uncle_ (_who is rather proud of his
+cellar_). "Now George, my boy, there's a glass of champagne for
+you--don't get such stuff at school, eh? eh? eh?"
+
+_George._ "H'm--awfully sweet! Very good sort for ladies--but I've
+arrived at a time of life, when I confess I like my wine _dry_!"
+(_Sensation._)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PLEASANT!--_Lord Reginald Sansdenier_ (_in answer to
+confidential remark of his host_). "Twenty thousand pounds worth of
+plate on the table, Sir Gorgius? I wonder you ain't afraid of being
+robbed!"
+
+_Sir Gorgius Midas._ "_Robbed_, my lord! Good 'evens! I'm sure yer
+lordship's too honnerable heven to _think_ of sich a thing!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Farmer._ "I say, John, what do you call a pineapple--a
+fruit or a vegetable?"
+
+_Waiter._ "A pineapple hain't neither, gentlemen. A pineapple is always
+a hextra!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DINING AL FRESCO
+
+(_Extract from an Earl's Courtier's Notebook_)
+
+6 P.M.--Come down early, to get a table. Can't. All the tables booked a
+week in advance. Very angry. Manager says he'll see what can be done for
+me--later on. Fairly satisfied. He had better!
+
+7 P.M.--In state of heat. Have a fair appetite. Ask for table. "What
+table?" "The one promised me--later on." "Very sorry, but they are all
+engaged." Awfully angry. Explain that I am a person of some importance.
+Can do the place a great deal of good if I do have a table, and _vice
+versa_. Manager desolated. See everybody else stuffing, drinking, and
+enjoying themselves. How they can have the heart! And _I_ table-less!
+But, no matter, a time will come. I'll write to "the leading journal"
+and denounce everything and everybody.
+
+7.15 P.M.--Explosively wrathful. At last! Ha! ha! Got a table. But at
+the back somewhere. Strong smell of cooking. Distant echo of a band.
+Exceedingly annoyed. Have tasted _hors d'oeuvres_. Sardines decent.
+
+7.20 P.M.--_Bonne Femme_ soup good. Have ordered champagne cup. Still
+annoyed.
+
+7.30 P.M.--Salmon mayonnaise distinctly excellent. Good idea to have
+cold dinner. Champagne cup well brewed. Don't notice the smell of
+cooking. Can hear the band. Nice band.
+
+7.40 P.M.--_Pate de fois gras en aspic._ Capital Cold joint. First-rate.
+Salad artistically mixed. Second champagne cup as good as first. After
+all, place of table not so bad.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A TRUE ARTIST.--_Mamma_ (_to Tommy, who has been allowed
+for a few minutes to wait at table_). "Now, Tommy, kiss me, and go to
+bed."
+
+_Tommy_ (_to footman_). "Do _you_ ever kiss the missus, Charles?"
+
+_Footman._ "No, sir!"
+
+_Tommy._ "Then _I_ won't!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MENU A LA MODE
+
+  Come, Damon, since again we've met
+    We'll feast right royally to-night,
+  The groaning table shall be set
+    With every seasonable delight!
+  The luscious bivalve ... I forgot,
+    The oyster is an arch-deceiver,
+  And makes its eater's certain lot
+    A bad attack of typhoid fever.
+
+  With soup, then, be it thick or clear,
+    The banquet fitly may commence--
+  Alas, on second thoughts, I fear
+    With soup as well we must dispense.
+  The doctors urge that, in effect,
+    Soup simply kills the thoughtless glutton.
+  It's full of germs. I recollect
+    They say the same of beef and mutton.
+
+  Yes, each variety of meat,
+    As you remark, is much the same,
+  And we're forbidden now to eat
+    Fish, oysters, poultry, joint or game.
+  But though a Nemesis each brings,
+    The punishment, the doctors tell, is
+  As nothing to the awful things
+    Awaiting all who toy with jellies.
+
+  Cheese--that is not condemned with these
+    Yet ample evidence we find
+  To make us, Damon, look on cheese
+    As simply poison to mankind;
+  While those who may desire to pass
+    Immediately o'er Charon's ferry,
+  Have but to take a daily glass
+    Of claret, hock, champagne or sherry.
+
+  And therefore, Damon, you and I,
+    Who fain would live a year at least,
+  Reluctantly must modify
+    The scope of our projected feast;
+  A charcoal biscuit we will share,
+    Water (distilled, of course,) we'll swallow,
+  Since this appears the only fare
+    On which destruction will not follow!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SMALL SOCIAL AGONIES
+
+_Hostess._ "It's but a poor lunch I can give you! But my cook has got
+influenza!"
+
+_Enfant terrible._ "Oh, mummy, you _always_ say that!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: QUITE A NOVELTY.--_Amiable Experimentalist._ "Makes a
+delicious side dish, doesn't it? But it is not the common mushroom; it's
+a large fungus, called the agaricus procerus. It grows solitary in hedge
+rows, is called colubrinus, from the snake-like markings on its stem.
+The pileus is covered with scales, which are formed by the breaking-up
+of the mud-coloured epidermis, and----" [_General panic takes place_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DIRGE OF THE DINER
+
+_A Restore-Wrong Rhyme_
+
+  "_Attendance is charged in the bill!_"
+    Delighted we sit down to dine;
+    And order our food and our wine.
+    The waiter is passing polite,
+    We eat with a grand appetite
+  Of dishes compounded with skill.
+    The room is so cosy and light;
+    The glass and the silver are bright;
+    Our flag of defiance is furled,
+    We seem all at peace with the world,
+  And rest quite contented until----
+    Attendance is charged one and nine.
+    We pay its collector a fine;
+    And give to the waiter polite
+    A tip he regards as his right
+  And duty of ours to fulfil!
+    The carver, too, looks for a fee;
+    The man with our coat, so does he!
+    The porter expects something more,
+    Who calls us a cab at the door!----
+  "_Attendance is charged in the bill!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE GOLDEN KEY.--_Mr. Montgomerie._ "Ah! my dear boys,
+you're right. The extent to which our English system of 'tipping' has
+grown is something monstrous! Why, I can assure you--that--at some of
+the big country houses I stop at, it costs me a ten-pound note _to get
+out of 'em_!"
+
+_Jones_ (_to his neighbour, sotto voce_). "Wonder how much it costs him
+to _get into_ 'em?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ECONOMICS OF SMOKING
+
+BY JOSEPH FUME.
+
+The man who smokes half his cigar, and puts the remainder by, knows
+nothing about smoking.
+
+The man who carries no cigar-case has no right to levy contributions on
+those who do.
+
+Never buy a cigar at a chemist's, they are sure to remind you of their
+origin. I once knew a chemist, who also sold wine and cigars, and I am
+sure he could only have had one workshop for his three businesses, and
+that was his laboratory.
+
+Mistrust the tobacco that is given in half-payment of a bill. Such
+dealers may be clever in drawing a bill, but it is rarely that their
+cigars are distinguished for being good "drawers."
+
+The man who smokes with wine is quite capable of taking sugar with
+oysters.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ANNALS OF A RETIRED SUBURB.--The Montgomery Joneses
+celebrated their wedding-day by giving a dinner on an unusually
+magnificent scale to some of their London friends. Unfortunately, an
+unexpected change in the weather during the afternoon has made the road
+up the hill rather heavy, so that the London friends omit to turn up.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROVERBS FOR TABLE
+
+  Set a thief to catch a thief:
+  Think of this when eating beef.
+
+  All that glitters is not gold:
+  Think of this when that beef's cold.
+
+  Harm is done by too much zeal:
+  Think of this when eating veal.
+
+  Life's a jest, and all things show it:
+  Think of this when drinking Moet.
+
+  Happiness flies Court for garret:
+  Think of this when drinking claret.
+
+  Gold may oft be bought too dear:
+  Think of this when drinking beer.
+
+  Many littles make a mickle:
+  Think of this when eating pickle.
+
+  Silent fools may pass for wise:
+  Think of this when eating rice.
+
+  Unto Rome conduct all roads:
+  Think of this when eating toads.
+
+  Flog first fault: _principiis obsta_,
+  Think of this when eating lobster.
+
+  While grass grows the horse may starve:
+  Think of this when asked to carve.
+
+  Shake the tree when fruit is ripe:
+  Think of this when eating tripe.
+
+  Fools build houses, wise men buy:
+  Think of this when eating pie.
+
+  Pause, ere leaping in the dark:
+  Think of this when eating lark.
+
+  Punctual pay gets willing loan:
+  Think of _this_ when drinking Beaune.
+
+  Wisdom asks fruits, but Folly flowers:
+  Think o' _this_ when eating cauliflowers.
+
+  Birds of a feather flock together:
+  Think of this when the idiot of a
+    cook has boiled the oysters in the sauce,
+    and made them as tough as leather.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID
+
+_Hostess._ "What fun you seem to be having over there, Captain Smiley! I
+wish you all sat at this end of the table!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Waiter_ (_who has "seen better days"--absently, as he
+pours out the champagne_). "Say when!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SPRING-CLEANING.
+
+  "In Spring when woods are getting green,"
+  My wife begins the house to clean,
+  And I am driven from this scene,
+                              Of scrub-land.
+
+  The mops and pails left on the stairs
+  I come across, quite unawares,
+  And break my shins and utter--prayers,
+                              For tub-land.
+
+  In clouds of dust I choke and cough,
+  Such draughts! My hat I dare not doff,
+  I'd go (if I were not a toff)
+                              To pub-land.
+
+  But--mum--I won't kick up a shine
+  Nor of delight give any sign,
+  But, quietly, I'm off to dine
+                              In Club-land.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SOAKER'S PARADISE.--Dropmore.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MONSTER MEETING.--A giant and a dwarf.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+POETICAL LICENCE.--A music-hall's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TURF REFORM.--Mowing the lawn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Quiet Man_ (_as a particularly "steep" story of
+adventure comes to a close_). "Er--will somebody pass the _salt_,
+please?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Adolphus_ (_grandly; he is giving his future
+brother-in-law a little dinner down the river_). "Waitar--you
+can--ah--leave us!"
+
+_Old Waiter._ "Hem!--yessir--but--you'll pard'n me, sir--we've so many
+gents--'don't wish to impute nothink, sir--but master--'fact is,
+sir--(_evidently feels a delicacy about mentioning it_)--we're--you see,
+sir--'_sponsible for the plate, sir_!!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GRAND BURNS' FESTIVAL--BROWN ENTERTAINS HIS FRIEND WI' A
+HAGGIS!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DISCLAIMER BY A DINER-OUT
+
+  Abolish party? Whose delight were greater
+    Than mine? I hail the chance with rapture hearty.
+  But oh! I _can't_ agree with the _Spectator_,
+    Who'd do away with--gods!--the dinner party!
+  No, let us compromise,--we'll all be winners,--
+    And firmly banish party from our dinners!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SYMPATHY
+
+(SCENE--_In front of Mrs. R.'s house_)
+
+_Mrs. Ramsbotham_ (_paying Cabman_). You look all right to-day.
+
+_Cabman._ Ah, mum! my looks don't pity me. I suffer from a tarpaulin
+liver.
+
+_Mrs. R._ (_correcting_). A torpedo liver, you mean.
+
+[_Cabman accepts the correction, and an extra shilling_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HAPPY THOUGHT.--_Sir Pompey Bedell_ (_poking the fire in
+his new smoking-room_). "This wretched chimney has got into a most
+objectionable way of smoking. A--I can't cure it." _Bedell Junior._
+"Just give it a couple of your cigars, governor!--it'll never smoke
+again!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "CRAMMING"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CRAMMING."
+
+_Affectionate Uncle._ "Glad to see you, Rupert. Now tell me all about
+it. What form are you in, old boy?"
+
+_Nephew_ (_just returned from Harrow_). "Well, uncle, not so bad, I
+think. I can generally manage a couple of eggs, two sausages, or
+kidneys, some Dundee marmalade, and two cups of coffee for breakfast. I
+always have a little luncheon, any amount of roast beef or mutton for
+dinner, and I generally look in at the confectioner's in the afternoon,
+and invariably wind up with a good supper. What do you think of that?"
+
+[_Disappointed and misunderstood uncle subsides,
+and thinks it best to make no comments._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Gentleman_ (_who has not hurried over his dinner,
+and has just got his bill_). "Waiter, what's this? I'm charged here
+twopence for stationery. You know I've had none----"
+
+_Irish Waiter._ "Faix! yer honour, I don't know. Y'ave been sittin' here
+a long t-h-ime, anyhow!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "A STRICT REGARD FOR TRUTH."--_Nephew._ "Hold up, uncle,
+people'll think you're screwed!"
+
+_Uncle_ (_the wedding breakfast had been hilarious_). "Shcrew'd! No, no,
+Sheorgsh! No' sh' bad 'sh that! 'Shame time--don' le'sh be"--(_lurching
+heavily_)--"osht'n--tas'hly shober! 'Can't bear osht'ntash'n!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SEASONABLE LUXURY
+
+_Old Gent_ (_disgusted_). "Here, waiter! Here's a--here's
+a--a--caterpillar in this chop!"
+
+_Waiter_ (_flippantly_). "Yessir. About the time o' year for 'em just
+now, sir!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE "STATUS QUO ANTE."--_Squire_ (_desiring to improve
+the taste of his country friends, has introduced at his table, in the
+place of the usual brandied Spanish and Portuguese wines, the natural
+vintages of France and Germany_). "Now, Mr. Barleymead, how do you like
+this 'Chateau Lafitte'? Another glass----" _Farmer B._ "Thanky, sir;
+it's uncommon nice.--(_He had drunk a bottle or two._)--But we don't
+seem to get no forruder!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: COMING OUT AS A CONVERSATIONALIST
+
+_Young Ganderson_ (_proudly conscious of the general attention_) "Oh
+yes, it's in _Soho_, you know. I know the place well. They give you a
+capital dinner for eighteenpence--wine included."
+
+_Host_ (_proud of his cellar_). "And is the wine drinkable?"
+
+_Young Ganderson._ "Oh yes--very good--better than the wine we're
+drinking now!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN AFFECTIONATE HUSBAND
+
+_Tomkins._ "You are going it, old fellow! Real turtle, eh? and venison
+to follow, eh?"
+
+_Jobkins._ "Why, yes--you see it's my wife's birthday; and as she dines
+early, I thought I'd celebrate the anniversary in the city."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MISTAKEN IDENTITY.--(_As the De Smiths, to whose
+dinner-party he was invited, lived in the next square, Brown thought he
+would walk over._) _Head waiter_ (_under a wrong impression_). "This
+won't do, young man! We've been expectin' o' you this 'our and a 'alf!
+No napkins laid, no glasses, no----!!!"
+
+[_Brown never got over it all the evening._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN AWFUL CRAMMER
+
+_Proprietor of boarding-house_ (_taking stout guest aside_). "You'll
+excuse me, Mr. Sharpset, but your appetite is so large that I shall be
+compelled to charge you a shilling extra. It can't be done at two
+shillings!"
+
+_Diner._ "No! For heaven's sake don't do that! I can eat two
+shillings'-worth easy; but if I have to do three--I really--afraid I
+should--but I'll try!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BETTING EVIL.
+
+_Waiter_ (_down tube_). "Wild duck, one!"
+
+_Voice from the kitchen._ "Did he? Just like my luck. Backed another
+wrong 'un!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NOT VERY LIKELY
+
+_Waiter_ (_in response to the Colonel's very vigorous reminder_). "Oh
+yes, sir, immediately! 'M--let's see--a _glass of milk_, sir, wasn't
+it?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FIGURATIVE
+
+_Head Waiter_ (_the Old Gent had wished for a stronger cheese_). "Hi!
+James--let loose the Gorgonzola!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BEWILDERING
+
+_Mr. Wuzzles_ (_up for the cattle-show_). "Cheese, waiter!"
+
+'_Robert._' "Yessir! Rockfor', commonbare, grew'ere, noochattell,
+gorgumzo----"
+
+_Mr. Wuzzles_ (_testily_). "No, no! I said _cheese_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "ON THE FACE OF IT"
+
+_Host._ "I don't like this Lafitte half so well as the last, Binns. Have
+you noticed any difference?"
+
+_New Butler._ "Well, sir, for myself I don't drink claret; I find port
+agrees with me so much better!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AWFUL WARNING!--_Guest_ (_at City Company dinner_). "I'm
+uncommonly hungry!"
+
+_Ancient Liveryman_ (_with feeling_). "Take care, my dear sir, for
+goodness' sake, take care! D' you know it happened to me at the last
+Lord Mayor's dinner to burn my tongue with my first spoonful of clear
+turtle; 'consequence was--(_sighs_)--'couldn't taste at
+all--anything--for the rest of the evening!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: It is quite possible to have too much of a good thing--as
+for example, when you get the asparagus shot over your favourite
+dress-coat with the silk facings.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Testy Old Uncle_ (_unable to control his passion_).
+
+"Really, sir, this is quite intolerable! You must intend to insult me.
+For the last fourteen days, wherever I have dined, I have had nothing
+but saddle of mutton and boiled turkey--boiled turkey and saddle of
+mutton. I'll endure it no longer."
+
+[_Exit old gent, who alters his will._
+
+Moral.--_How ridiculous a man appears--particularly a man at a grave
+period of life--who is over-anxious about his eating and drinking!_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "ALL THE DIFFERENCE"
+
+_Dyspeptic Diner._ "Um"--(_forking it suspiciously_)--"what is it,
+waiter?"
+
+'_Robert._' "It says 'ronyongs sorty' on the menoo, sir. But I can't say
+what it may be on the dish!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _His Partner._ "I really never heard a better speech in
+my life! Such a wonderful flow of----"
+
+_He._ "Great Scott! That reminds me--I've left the bathroom tap at home
+full on!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NICE LITTLE DINNER
+
+_Tommy_ (_who is standing a feed to Harry_). "Oh, hang it, you know,
+fourteen bob for a bottle of champagne! That's coming it rather strong,
+ain't it?"
+
+_Waiter_ (_with perfect composure_). "We have some _cheap_ wine, sir, at
+half-a-guinea!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TOO LITERAL BY HALF
+
+SCENE.--_A "cheap" chop-house not a hundred miles from L--nd--n._
+
+_Waiter._ "Paysir? Yessir--Whataveyeradsir?"
+
+_Matter-of-fact old gentleman_ (_who has been reading the "Quarterly" on
+"Food and its adulterations"_). "Had? why, let me see: I've had some
+horsetail soup, spiced with red-lead and shop-sweepings: a plate of
+roast cow, and cabbage boiled with verdigris: a crust of plaster of
+Paris, baked with alum and bone-dust: half-a-pint of porter brewed from
+quassia and strychnine: and a cup of charred liver, annatto, and other
+unknown ingredients."
+
+[_Exit waiter for a straight-waistcoat, and a stomach-pump._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Dolly._ "Please, Miss Sharp, mamma says, have you
+_really_ left your songs at home?"
+
+_Miss Sharp._ "Yes, dear. Why?"
+
+_Dolly._ "Well, papa says 'it sounds too good to be true'!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EUREKA!--_Isaacstein_ (_late of Whitechapel, showing old
+friend over bathroom in new house_). "What am I goin' to do with it?
+Vell, you see, I've always rather wanted a place where I could keep
+goldfish!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Juvenile._ "Uncle!"
+
+_Uncle._ "Now then, what is it? This is the fourth time you've woke me
+up, sir!"
+
+_Juvenile._ "Oh! Just put a few coals on the fire, and pass the wine,
+that's a good old chap."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NURSERIANA.--_Little Chris._ "Oh! mamma, mamma, baby's moulted again."
+
+_Mamma._ "Moulted! What do you mean?"
+
+_Little Chris._ "Why, he's just dropped another tooth!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SAFEST WAY OF TAKING A LADY DOWN TO DINNER
+
+(Another reminiscence of the days of the crinoline)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SAT UPON
+
+_Hospitable Host._ "Does any gentleman say pudden?"
+
+_Precise Guest._ "No, sir. No _gentleman_ says _pudden_."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: UNEXPECTED GRATUITY.--_Waiter._ "Beg pardon, sir, but I
+think you've made a mistake. This is a halfpenny!"
+
+_Old Gent_ (_grandly_). "Oh dear no--not at all, not at all! I never
+give less!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Hickling_ (_to friend, who finds some difficulty in
+keeping his cigar alight_). "I say, old man, what matches do you
+smoke?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _He._ "Fond of Bridge?"
+
+_She._ "Awfully!"
+
+_He._ "Do you know I always think there's something _wanting_ in people
+who don't play?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_Old Party_ (_very naturally excited_). "Why, confound you! You are
+wiping my plate with your handkerchief!"
+
+_Waiter_ (_blandly_). "It's of no consequence, sir--it's only a dirty
+one!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IN DESPERATE STRAITS
+
+_Jones_ (_blue ribbon--to abstemious lady he has taken in to dinner_).
+"Look here, madam, we don't seem to be getting on a _bit_! Either you
+must have a glass of champagne, or, by Jove, I must!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID
+
+_Guest_ (_who is a bon-vivant, to host, who isn't_). "You must come and
+dine with _me_, Jones!"
+
+_Host._ "With pleasure, my dear friend! When?"
+
+_Guest._ "_Now!_"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "NOT QUITE THE CHEESE!"
+
+_British Farmer._ "What sort o' cheese do you call this? Full o' holes!"
+
+_Waiter._ "Grew-yere, sir."
+
+_British Farmer_ (_suspiciously_). "Then just bring one that grew
+somewhere else!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE END
+
+BRADBURY AGNEW & CO LD. PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's After-Dinner Stories,
+edited by J. A. Hammerton
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. PUNCH'S AFTER-DINNER STORIES ***
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