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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Bill the Minder, by W. Heath Robinson
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Bill the Minder
+
+Author: W. Heath Robinson
+
+Illustrator: W. Heath Robinson
+
+Release Date: August 29, 2010 [EBook #33570]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BILL THE MINDER ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Simon Gardner, Chris Curnow and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note
+
+Where changes have been made to the text these are listed at the end of
+the book.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: cover art]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration: frontispiece]
+
+   BILL THE MINDER
+
+    _Written and
+   illustrated by_
+
+      W.HEATH
+      ROBINSON
+
+      NEW YORK
+  HENRY HOLT & CO.
+        1912
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Edinburgh: T. and A. CONSTABLE, Printers to His Majesty
+
+  TO
+
+  THE GOOD CHILDREN
+  OF CHLOE AND CRISPIN
+  THE GATHERER OF
+  MUSHROOMS---CHAD,
+  HANNIBAL, QUENTIN,
+  RANDALL, NOAH, RATCHETT,
+  NERO, BIDDULPH,
+  KNUT, AND THE TRULY
+  VIRTUOUS AND BEAUTIFUL
+  BOADICEA, THIS
+  BOOK IS MOST HUMBLY
+  AND RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED
+  BY THE FAITHFUL
+  NARRATOR OF THEIR
+  EVER-WONDERFUL ADVENTURES.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+                                                               PAGE
+
+  BILL THE MINDER                                                 1
+
+  THE KING OF TROY                                               15
+
+  THE ANCIENT MARINER                                            33
+
+  THE TRIPLETS                                                   51
+
+  GOOD AUNT GALLADIA                                             65
+
+  THE DOCTOR                                                     79
+
+  THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN                                      97
+
+  THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN                                       115
+
+  THE INTERVAL                                                  133
+
+  THE REAL SOLDIER                                              147
+
+  THE WILD MAN                                                  165
+
+  THE MUSICIAN                                                  183
+
+  THE LOST GROCER                                               199
+
+  THE MERCHANT'S WIFE                                           213
+
+  THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS                                            227
+
+  THE SIEGE OF TROY                                             241
+
+  THE END                                                       255
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+
+
+LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
+
+
+COLOURED PLATES
+
+
+  FRONTISPIECE
+
+  THE KING OF TROY COMPELLED TO ASK HIS WAY     _To face page_   30
+
+  THE SPORT OF EVERY MER-KID                          "          48
+
+  HE WAS ALWAYS AT HAND                               "          58
+
+  I FELL FROM MY POSITION                             "          72
+
+  THE LORD MAYOR HELD A LONG COUNCIL                  "          88
+
+  THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN                           "         110
+
+  BASIL HERBERT DEVELOPS A CHILBLAIN                  "         122
+
+  AND LEFT HIM TO HAVE HIS CRY OUT                    "         140
+
+  REGINALD COMPLETELY LOST HIS TEMPER                 "         156
+
+  HARMLESS INDEED WERE OUR JOYS                       "         168
+
+  AND PLAYED IT FOR MY DELIGHT                        "         190
+
+  FOLLOWED HIM AT THE GREATEST SPEED                  "         208
+
+  BRINGING WITH THEM A LITTLE OLD MAN                 "         216
+
+  THEY CAME UPON A GREAT STONE SPHINX                 "         230
+
+  CLOSELY OBSERVED FROM THE WATCH TOWERS              "         244
+
+
+BILL THE MINDER
+
+                                                               PAGE
+
+  TITLE-PAGE                                                      1
+
+  HEADPIECE                                                       2
+
+  HIS HOWLS BECAME TERRIFIC                                       7
+
+  ALWAYS INVENTING NEW WAYS OF MINDING                           10
+
+  YOUNG TOOTH-CUTTERS FORGOT THEIR TROUBLES                      11
+
+  THE ONLY MINDER OF THE DISTRICT                                13
+
+  TAILPIECE                                                      14
+
+
+  THE KING OF TROY
+
+  TITLE-PAGE                                                     15
+
+  HEADPIECE                                                      16
+
+  HE CLIMBED THE RICK                                            18
+
+  HE COMMENCED HIS TALE                                          21
+
+  WHAT A TIME WE HAD                                             26
+
+  TAILPIECE                                                      31
+
+  VIGNETTE                                                       32
+
+
+  THE ANCIENT MARINER
+
+  TITLE-PAGE                                                     33
+
+  HEADPIECE                                                      34
+
+  I SIGN ON AS CABIN BOY                                         39
+
+  I WENT ON WITH MY SANDWICHES                                   42
+
+  FOR YEARS WE SAILED                                            47
+
+  TAILPIECE                                                      49
+
+  VIGNETTE                                                       50
+
+
+  THE TRIPLETS
+
+  TITLE-PAGE                                                     51
+
+  HEADPIECE                                                      52
+
+  ENDEAVOURING TO COMFORT THE OLD MAN                            55
+
+  WE GREW UP IN COMPARATIVE HAPPINESS                            58
+
+  THE TRIPLETS ACCOMPANY THE ARMY                                63
+
+  TAILPIECE                                                      64
+
+
+  GOOD AUNT GALLADIA
+
+  TITLE-PAGE                                                     65
+
+  HEADPIECE                                                      66
+
+  I JUST MANAGED TO REACH THE EGGS                               71
+
+  I ANGLE THE AIR                                                72
+
+  I ERECTED MY POLE ON THE SAND                                  73
+
+  ITS OLD STATELY SELF AGAIN                                     75
+
+
+  THE DOCTOR
+
+  TITLE-PAGE                                                     79
+
+  HEADPIECE                                                      80
+
+  FAR SOONER HAVE THE MUMPS                                      83
+
+  THE PUFF BAKER                                                 87
+
+  TREATED WITH DELICIOUS JALAPS                                  88
+
+  AS SOME PATIENT PREPARED HIS DOSE                              89
+
+  THE VERY SPARROWS GREW THIN                                    91
+
+  POSTCARD                                                       94
+
+  POSTCARD                                                       95
+
+  TAILPIECE                                                      96
+
+
+  THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN
+
+  TITLE-PAGE                                                     97
+
+  HEADPIECE                                                      98
+
+  BOWING POLITELY TO THE PILLAR-BOXES                           103
+
+  THE CHURCH STEEPLE HAD BEEN REMOVED                           104
+
+  STANDING ALONE UPON THE WALL                                  106
+
+  DANGLING BY HIS LEGS                                          109
+
+  TAILPIECE                                                     113
+
+  VIGNETTE                                                      114
+
+
+  THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN
+
+  TITLE-PAGE                                                    115
+
+  HEADPIECE                                                     116
+
+  I TOOK LEAVE OF MY SORROWING FATHER                           120
+
+  HARDLY DISGUISING HIS EFFORTS TO IGNORE ME                    121
+
+  THEY WERE COMPELLED TO SEND FOR A PHYSICIAN                   125
+
+  THE IMPROVEMENT WAS MAINTAINED                                129
+
+  DISCOVERED A CLOVE KERNEL                                     130
+
+  VIGNETTE                                                      132
+
+
+  THE INTERVAL
+
+  TITLE-PAGE                                                    133
+
+  HEADPIECE                                                     134
+
+  I FELL ON TO THE PARSNIP                                      137
+
+  THEY ALL ONCE MORE STARTED                                    138
+
+  ON THEIR ADVENTUROUS JOURNEY                                  139
+
+  THE WHOLE CAMP WAS FAST ASLEEP                                142
+
+  TAILPIECE                                                     145
+
+  VIGNETTE                                                      146
+
+
+  THE REAL SOLDIER
+
+  TITLE-PAGE                                                    147
+
+  HEADPIECE                                                     148
+
+  THE REAL SOLDIER                                              153
+
+  'BUT HOLD!' CRIED THE PRESIDENT                               156
+
+  'YOUR FATE BE UPON YOUR OWN HEAD'                             157
+
+  FLOUNDERING ABOUT IN THE SEA                                  159
+
+  IN EXPECTATION OF THEIR LEADER                                161
+
+  TAILPIECE                                                     163
+
+  VIGNETTE                                                      164
+
+
+  THE WILD MAN
+
+  TITLE-PAGE                                                    165
+
+  HEADPIECE                                                     166
+
+  I PLEADED MY CASE                                             169
+
+  AND KILLED IT ON THE SPOT                                     173
+
+  WE COOKED ONE GREAT STEAK                                     177
+
+  TAILPIECE                                                     181
+
+  VIGNETTE                                                      182
+
+
+  THE MUSICIAN
+
+  TITLE-PAGE                                                    183
+
+  HEADPIECE                                                     184
+
+  SHE NOW MADE OFF TO THE WOODS                                 189
+
+  HE WOULD CLIMB TO THE TOPMOST BRANCHES                        190
+
+  SWEEPING THE DEAD LEAVES                                      195
+
+  WITH NO OTHER WEALTH THAN MY CONCERTINA                       197
+
+  TAILPIECE                                                     198
+
+
+  THE LOST GROCER
+
+  TITLE-PAGE                                                    199
+
+  HEADPIECE                                                     200
+
+  AFFECTED BY HIS STORY                                         205
+
+  PLUMP INTO THE RIVER WE WENT                                  206
+
+  THERE GREW IN FRONT OF ME A GREAT MOUND                       209
+
+  SNEEZING AND SNEEZING                                         211
+
+
+  THE MERCHANT'S WIFE
+
+  TITLE-PAGE                                                    213
+
+  HEADPIECE                                                     214
+
+  MOPING ABOUT THE COMMON                                       219
+
+  KEPT HIM OUT OF MISCHIEF                                      223
+
+  GLORIOUS TARTS AND SWEETS                                     224
+
+  IT DIDN'T MATTER HOW MUCH YOU ATE                             225
+
+  TAILPIECE                                                     226
+
+
+  THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS
+
+  TITLE-PAGE                                                    227
+
+  HEADPIECE                                                     228
+
+  THE HEADS SERVED FOR DOLLS                                    233
+
+  YOU ARE NOW OUR ONLY HOPE                                     234
+
+  I FISHED AND FISHED AND FISHED                                237
+
+  TAILPIECE                                                     239
+
+  VIGNETTE                                                      240
+
+
+  THE SIEGE OF TROY
+
+  TITLE-PAGE                                                    241
+
+  HEADPIECE                                                     242
+
+  PLAN OF SIEGE                                                 245
+
+  THESE PARCELS WERE NOW LABELLED                               248
+
+  AND PACKED HIM OFF TO PERSIA                                  251
+
+  TROY BECAME THE HAPPIEST TOWN                                 253
+
+  THE END
+
+  VIGNETTE                                                      256
+
+[Illustration]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BILL THE MINDER]
+
+[Illustration: Headpiece]
+
+
+
+
+BILL THE MINDER
+
+
+Old Crispin, the mushroom gatherer, and his good wife Chloe had ten
+children, and nine of them were bad-tempered. There was Chad, the
+youngest and most bad-tempered of the lot, Hannibal and Quentin the
+twins, Randall with the red head, Noah, Ratchett the short-sighted, Nero
+the worrit, weeping Biddulph and Knut. The only good-tempered child was
+a little girl named Boadicea.
+
+It is well known that a boy usually takes after his father, and a girl
+after her mother, and these children were no exception to the rule, for
+the boys all resembled old Crispin, whose temper had been rather tried,
+poor man, by the early hours at which he had to rise, in order to gather
+the mushrooms when they were quite new and young. On the other hand,
+Boadicea could only have inherited her good-temper from Chloe, who
+without doubt was the most good-tempered dame alive.
+
+Now it is quite true that any one who cares to rise early enough in the
+morning may gather mushrooms, and plenty of them, too, but those who do
+so only now and again, and merely for amusement, little know the hard
+life of the professional gatherer, or the skill and judgment he has to
+cultivate in order to carry on his work with any success.
+
+In the course of time Crispin became so well skilled that he could not
+only tell a mushroom from a toadstool at the distance of two hundred
+yards, but his hearing became so acute that he could even hear them
+growing, and learnt to distinguish the sound of each as it broke through
+the earth. Indeed, he had no need for any alarm to wake him from his
+heavy slumbers and call him to his work in the fields. However
+cautiously a mushroom made its appearance, at its first rumble, old
+Crispin would jump from his hard bed, hastily dress himself, and, often
+without tasting a morsel of breakfast, be out of the house and on to the
+field in time to see the newcomer pop its head through the earth. This
+he would pick, and then he would hop about with his head on one side
+listening for others like some old starling listening for worms, at the
+same time mewing like a cat to frighten away the birds that prey on the
+mushrooms. He was then able to fill his basket with the very freshest
+crop and take them round to people's houses in time for breakfast.
+
+With such anxious work it will be readily understood that few mushroom
+gatherers can remain in the best of health for many years, and it so
+happened that in time the anxieties connected with the gathering of
+mushrooms began to affect old Crispin, so that he fell ill and
+completely lost his appetite. Chloe called in the doctor, but the latter
+at first could do nothing for him. He painted Crispin's chest and then
+his back with iodine; he rubbed him well with the roots of sarsaparilla;
+he made him sleep first on his right side, then on his left, and finally
+covered him in brown paper plasters and dock-leaf poultices and sent him
+to the sea-side with strict injunctions to take to sea-bathing, running,
+and aeroplaning, but it was all of no avail.
+
+With the assistance of Boadicea, Chloe now tried to tempt her husband
+with every known and unknown dish, and when these failed, like a good
+wife, she invented others. She made trifles of vegetable marrow,
+tartlets of hen feathers to soothe the nerves, salads of spinach and
+carraway comfits, delicacies composed of porridge and mint, and the most
+luscious stews of pine-cones and lard. She then tried him with even
+lighter dishes, but it was no good. He became thinner and thinner every
+day, and his temper was growing shorter and shorter, when at last, to
+her great joy, she succeeded in making a jelly that really seemed to
+take his fancy.
+
+At first there was little or no sign of improvement, yet he ate a very
+small portion of the jelly every day, and with this the anxious wife and
+daughter had to be contented for some time. He had remained in this
+state for weeks when Chloe resolved slightly to increase his portion.
+Finding that this did not disagree with him, but that, instead, he
+became a little stouter and a little better every day, she continued
+gradually giving him more and more.
+
+At last she discovered that the more Crispin ate of this jelly, the
+greater his appetite became. In fact, if the truth be told, the old
+gentleman became in time not only quite well and very stout but also
+somewhat greedy. At all events, Chloe found that instead of being able
+to devote more time to her children, after restoring her husband's
+appetite, she had to give up more and more time to cooking. Crispin now
+spent the whole day in eating, and things went from bad to very bad, and
+from very bad to worse. Boadicea assisted her mother to the utmost, yet
+Chloe, worked almost to death, was at length compelled to look out for a
+minder, in order that her children might not be entirely neglected.
+
+Many minders from all parts applied for employment, and, as a test of
+their skill, she set them the task of cheering the unfortunate Chad, who
+was cutting all his double teeth at the same time. Some tried to cheer
+him by singing to him, some by dancing to him; one even hoped to gladden
+the boy by jumping over him backwards and with a pleasant smile dropping
+on the grass in front of him. Again, some thought to distract him by
+running swiftly with him several times round the well, which only made
+him very ill. Another energetic young minder stood on his head in front
+of the child for at least ten minutes, which, instead of cheering the
+lad, nearly frightened him to death. One minder, more experienced than
+the rest, tried to make him forget his ache by giving him other aches to
+think of with the aid of a slipper, which he maintained he had succeeded
+in doing. However, he was not elected, for, try as they would, no one
+could discover for which ache the child was crying.
+
+Many methods were tried, but none with even the smallest success; in
+fact, the competition greatly increased the child's discomfort. His
+howls became terrific, and so heartrending that, as a last resource,
+Chloe sent for her nephew Bill, who cleaned the boots. Now no one had
+suspected Bill of having the makings of a good minder in him, but it
+happened that he knew Chad's little ways, and so, to everybody's
+surprise and relief, he easily succeeded in keeping him quiet until all
+the double teeth had been cut. Thereupon he was at once elected Minder
+to the family.
+
+[Illustration: HIS HOWLS BECAME TERRIFIC]
+
+Bill soon proved that he was no ordinary minder. Having once started on
+his new work, he took his profession very seriously. He read all the
+books that had ever been written upon the subject, which were to be
+found in the library of the British Museum. He talked about it with the
+most knowing professors of the subject, and he was as well known in the
+Minding Room of the Patent Museum at South Kensington as in his father's
+house. And it is even said that he once contrived to be shut in all
+night by hiding behind a case of red coral rattles when the policeman
+came round at dusk to shut and lock the doors.
+
+Moreover, as you can see for yourselves in the pictures, he was always
+inventing new ways of minding his charges. So expert did he become in
+time that he was never at a loss with the most fractious, and easily
+surpassing all rivals, he became the most perfect minder of the
+district.
+
+Bill's fame spread to the most distant towns, and worrited mothers for
+miles around flocked to him with their children. He was most successful
+in distracting the vaccinated, and under his care young tooth-cutters
+soon forgot their troubles. Even the pangs of indigestion were allayed
+and the fretfulness of the sleepless lulled to rest by the charm of his
+ways. Short tempers were lengthened, and terrified midnight wakers were
+taught to realise how ridiculous were their fears. Screechers ceased to
+screech, and grizzlers to grizzle, while weepers and howlers reformed
+their habits and learnt to chuckle throughout the day.
+
+If any one could mind, Bill could!
+
+But life was not all condensed milk and honey to Bill. Like all good
+minders and men, he had the bad fortune to arouse the jealousy of
+rivals. The unvarying success which met his clever treatment of the most
+difficult cases, instead of arousing the admiration of his brother
+minders, as one would have expected, and making them eager to imitate
+him, only had the effect of making them very cross and jealous. Some,
+indeed, became so wild that they had to be minded themselves, while
+others neglected their charges and wandered about the country in a
+dreadful state of grumpiness, biting their nails to the quick, and
+tearing their hair or anything else they could get hold of.
+
+The time now arrived for the great annual Minding Tournament, held by
+the Duke to celebrate his birthday, to which every one had been looking
+forward all through the year. Few people have ever been so delighted
+over being born as was the Duke, and this was how he most liked to show
+his joy and thankfulness. The prizes and cups were usually subscribed
+for by the mothers and fathers, but this year was a very special
+occasion, for the Duke, having arrived at the age of sixty, had decided
+to present a gold-mounted feeding-bottle to be competed for during the
+tournament.
+
+Everybody was there; the Duke and his Duchess with a handsome bouquet of
+marigolds and groundsel, presented by the wives of the policemen; the
+Duchess's cousin, the chatty old Viscount, and his sweet young wife; the
+stout old Marquis who (as every lady knows) is also admiral of the
+Regent's Canal, and his six old-maid daughters, who all arrived in bath
+chairs. The general was there, as a matter of course, with all his
+medals beautifully polished, and his pockets full of Pontefract cakes
+and peardrops to throw to the children. At least twelve bishops were
+present, besides the vicar and his eight kind curates, who made
+themselves extremely pleasant to every one.
+
+All the mothers and fathers of the neighbourhood were present, and
+minders were continually arriving to compete for the prizes. There were
+at least one hundred policemen to keep order, and the music was provided
+by the band of the militia, lent for this occasion by the kind-hearted
+general. Each member of the band performed on a separate harmonium
+borrowed from the vicar. Refreshments also could be had by every one who
+could prove that he or she was hungry.
+
+[Illustration: ALWAYS INVENTING NEW WAYS OF MINDING]
+
+The first event was the egg-and-spoon race, which was decided in the
+following way. A well-pinched baby and a glass of milk were placed at
+the end of the course, and each competitor had to run to them balancing
+a new-laid egg on a spoon; when he had reached them, he had to beat up
+the egg in the glass of milk and pacify the child with the beverage. The
+competitor who did it in the shortest time won the prize.
+
+Some murmurings were heard when it was announced that Bill had won by
+two-and-a-half minutes, but these were soon drowned by the cheers of
+the crowd and the music of the harmoniums.
+
+[Illustration: YOUNG TOOTH-CUTTERS FORGOT THEIR TROUBLES]
+
+The second event was the obstacle race, in which each competitor had to
+run with three babies in his arms along a course strewn with
+perambulators full of children. Over the latter he had to climb, and
+having placed his three babies in an empty perambulator stationed at the
+end of the course, wheel them back the same way and empty them into the
+arms of the Duke without a cry from the children.
+
+The loud cheers of the crowd and the roar of the harmoniums this time
+hardly drowned the jeering of his rivals when it was proclaimed that
+Bill had also won this race; and when he secured the gold-mounted
+feeding-bottle, presented by the Duke, for minding seventeen
+tooth-cutters and three indigesters, and sending them all to sleep in
+three hours and forty-five minutes, their rage was almost beyond their
+control. The cheers, the hurrahs, and the clapping of hands, as well as
+the soothing music of the harmoniums, only made them more disagreeable
+and spiteful.
+
+But far worse was to happen when Bill presently carried off the great
+cup for remaining shut up in a bathing-machine with twelve vaccinated
+children for twelve hours. Then they quite lost their tempers, and Bill
+very nearly lost his life. At least seven babies were hurled at him, as
+well as the cup and the bathing-machine, and Bill was only saved by the
+seven mothers of the seven hurled babies, who rushed forward to grapple
+with the hurlers, and carried Bill and the babies out of their reach.
+
+This shocking disturbance caused the vicar and his eight kind curates to
+faint, while the Duke, who, now having lost all interest in the
+proceedings, was only waiting to give away the prizes, turned quite
+white, and at once drove off with the Duchess in his motor, and never
+again referred to the subject. The general stripped off his medals in
+despair, and gave them away to the children to cut their teeth with. The
+chatty old Viscount became dumb with astonishment, and the twelve
+bishops, with heads erect and half-closed eyes, walked off to their
+cathedrals. The harmoniums were all put out of tune and quite spoilt by
+the efforts of the bandsmen to drown the noise, and the tournament was
+completely broken up.
+
+After this, as might have been foreseen, no mother would entrust the
+care of her children to any one but Bill, who became the only minder of
+the district. What became of the rivals no one ever knew for certain,
+though it has been said that they all emigrated to a desolate island in
+the Dead Sea, and clothed themselves in crocodile's hide with the rough
+and knobby side worn against the skin, sleeping at night on beds of
+flints with coverlets made of stinging nettles. It is also said that
+they nagged and threw stones at each other all through the day, and for
+very rage would eat nothing but thistles, uncooked and with the prickles
+left on, and drink nothing but cold vinegar for the rest of their
+wretched lives.
+
+[Illustration: THE ONLY MINDER OF THE DISTRICT]
+
+Another story has it that Bill's jealous rivals all embarked for Mount
+Vesuvius, with the intention of committing suicide by plunging into the
+burning crater. But standing on its edge and gazing therein, they all
+suddenly altered their minds and walked back down the mountain side to
+Pompeii or Herculaneum, where they were supposed to have settled and
+married, and repented, let us hope, of their unkind and unreasonable
+behaviour.
+
+Whether either of these stories is true or not, it is certain that the
+rivals disappeared altogether from the country. Unmolested, Bill now
+devoted all his days to minding, and Randall, Noah, Knut, Biddulph,
+Nero, Ratchett, Hannibal, Quentin, Chad, and his innumerable other
+charges never left him, but wandered with him everywhere, even in his
+dreams.
+
+Such a minder was Bill!
+
+[Illustration: tailpiece]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE KING OF TROY]
+
+[Illustration: headpiece]
+
+
+
+
+THE KING OF TROY
+
+
+Now it happened one morning as Bill was shepherding his little flock
+across the downs, whither they loved to ramble on a fine summer's day,
+that Hannibal, Quentin, and Boadicea came running up to him with the
+wonderful tidings that they had discovered a real golden crown lying on
+the top of a hayrick. Bill hastened to the spot, and there, sure enough,
+was a most beautiful crown, ornamented with what he took to be
+priceless gems. Looking all round and seeing no one to whom it might
+belong, he climbed the rick and attempted to remove the treasure. But,
+try as he would, it still resisted his efforts, until at last, with one
+mighty wrench, he seemed to elicit a groan from the depths of the rick,
+and presently the crown arose apparently of its own accord and disclosed
+the head of an aged man firmly fixed therein. Soon his neck, then his
+shoulders appeared, as gradually the old fellow lifted himself from his
+place of hiding and climbed down the sides of the rick and stood
+trembling in the midst of the children, who now wonderingly gathered
+round him.
+
+Having recovered from his agitation, and being greatly encouraged by
+Bill's kindly inquiries and genial manners, the royal old boy proceeded
+to account for his strange appearance on the downs.
+
+'Prepare yourselves, you bantlings, and you, their noble curator, for
+the most astounding revelations; and those of you who are nerveful or
+softish in any way, hide your chubby heads in this old rick, that no
+word of my story of woes may enter your ears and so curdle your simple
+minds.'
+
+At this young Chad and some of the others set up a terrible hullabaloo,
+but Bill soon comforted them, and then, seated in a circle on the grass
+around the old fellow, they made themselves comfortable and prepared to
+listen to his story.
+
+'Are you all fit?' demanded the old gent. 'Yes,' shouted Bill and his
+charges in reply. 'Well, here goes then.' And he commenced his tale in
+the following way:--
+
+'I am that King of Troy who ruled over his subjects with such wisdom and
+justice that the greatest happiness prevailed amongst them!'
+
+[Illustration: HE CLIMBED THE RICK]
+
+'We've heard that before,' murmured Chad, but ignoring the interruption,
+the King of Troy continued his story:--
+
+'Safely protected from baseness of every description, from robbery, from
+the ill effects of envy, and from unworthy tricksters of every colour,
+by the stern, yet just rule under which they happily lived, the Trojans
+throve and pursued their various trades with unvarying success. All
+amassed a considerable fortune, and as their wealth increased, so did
+their pride in the beloved city of their birth. All contributed most
+willingly to the upkeep of their sovereign, and the ever-increasing
+state which I was expected to hold was paid for down to the last
+farthing by the noble fellows.
+
+'The well-meaning creatures at length gave no rest to their poor old
+king, and as their prosperity grew, they raised him to a more and more
+exalted, and at the same time increasingly uncomfortable, position above
+them. Heavier and heavier grew the robes of state to suit the swelling
+dignity of the city: more and more overloaded with gold, with jewels,
+with filigree silver and enamelled bronze became the crown, until so
+ponderous had grown the regalia that I could hardly support it. But no
+pity had the gallant lads. Mistaking the signs of my gradually drooping
+spirits for the signs of undue modesty, they slapped me on the back
+again and again, and with joyful shouts endeavoured to instil into my
+dejected soul some of their own abundant ardour.
+
+'With my own personal dignity, the number of ceremonials and functions I
+was expected to endure also increased. Town hall after town hall was
+built, and bazaars without end were held especially to be opened by
+myself. But in time even this doubtful relaxation ceased, and so high
+did my subjects raise me that few of them dared to approach me, and then
+only on bended knees. As for speaking familiarly with me, none had the
+temerity to attempt it. Perpetual state I was now compelled to keep, and
+never for an instant permitted to leave my throne or doff my royal
+robes, except for one short hour in the morning to perform ablutions in
+the regal tub, and even then I was not allowed to remove my crown.
+Seated on my throne from morning until night, overburdened by the weight
+of my crown and the heavily brocaded and bejewelled robes, I felt as
+lonely as a stranded limpet in the middle of the Sahara desert.
+
+'At last things came to such a pass, that, except perhaps to bring me
+food or drink, not one of my subjects would dare to draw nearer than to
+the outer door of my ante-room, and even there they would fall upon
+their faces and grovel in the dust and quake, so that the very clicking
+of their bones could be distinctly heard from my place upon the throne,
+as they trembled in every joint.
+
+'Ah, how I missed the old days,--the cheerful cup of tea, the pipe of
+baccy and the homely game of dominoes with that primest of all Prime
+Ministers. How gladly would I have snatched from the royal board the
+dainties now prepared for me,--the asparagus truffles, the prawn
+cutlets, the anchovy jelly, and suchlike, and hurled from me the trivial
+and shimmering mass, tweaking my old rascal of a waiter by the nose, and
+calling for a hunk of bread and some cheese. Even my sparkling and
+frolicsome old chum, the Prime Minister, had seemingly quite forgotten
+our loyal chumship and never appeared before me now except upon his
+hands and knees and with his head bent low to the ground. And what of my
+old friend the Secretary of State? Where were his gibes, his playful
+fancies, his quirks and rare conceits, the droll! Alas, only rarely now
+could I glimpse the rogue, and with real sorrow did I see his erstwhile
+bonny and jovial old face distorted by expressions of the most abject
+servility. And that respectful mute, the Minister of Education, does he
+dream that I forget his winsome pranks and jokes? Does he imagine for a
+moment that those glorious evenings, when the four of us used to meet
+and gladden the very stars by the sounds of our joviality, were nothing
+to me? Alas, in my solitude what would have befallen me but for those
+sweet memories!
+
+[Illustration: HE COMMENCED HIS TALE]
+
+'One evening the Prime Minister appeared on his hands and knees at the
+door of the throne-room, bearing on a little plate upon his back the
+slight supper that was served to me in this strange manner every
+evening. With drooping head, and visibly quaking with awe, he gradually
+crawled near, and when at the foot of the throne placed the supper (a
+mere anchovy truffle on toast) before me and fell flat on his face,
+writhing at my feet.
+
+'Who can describe my feelings as I bent over him and witnessed this
+degradation, this prostration before me, of one who had revelled with
+me, who had slapped me on the back in pure amity, and who, in days of
+yore, had gambolled, frisked, and carolled the most enchanting glees
+with me. A great hot tear fell from my left eye as I gazed, and the
+startled wretch leapt to his feet as it splashed upon his bald crown and
+trickled down its glossy sides, leaving a red and glowing spot where it
+had fallen. No words of mine could describe the misery expressed on the
+face of the unhappy man as he took one hasty glance at me, full of the
+deepest meaning, and rushed from the room weeping bitterly. Alas! he,
+too, remembered.
+
+'No heart had I now for the anchovy truffle, nor indeed for the toast,
+both of which I tossed lightly from me. I gave up my mind to most
+melancholy reflections. Night drew on, and one by one I could hear the
+ministers and domestics creeping up stealthily to bed, and at nine
+o'clock all the electric lights in the palace were switched off, and I
+was left in total darkness and in solitude. Still I brooded on my
+throne, unable to sleep for the weight of my robes and for the sad
+thoughts that passed through my mind, and mechanically counted the hours
+as they stole slowly by.
+
+'At length the clock in the hall downstairs struck eleven, and as the
+last beat echoed through the empty rooms, a light appeared underneath
+the door opposite the throne. Little heed did I give to this at first,
+imagining that one of the ministers, on retiring, had omitted to remove
+his boots and leave them in the hall, and was now returning to place
+them there. The light, however, remained, and to my increasing
+wonderment some one tried the handle of the door, which was then opened
+very cautiously and in there crept, on hands and knees, my old friend
+the Prime Minister. As soon as he was well within the room and had
+quietly closed the door, he leapt to his feet and executed the most
+astonishing capers that were ever danced. With the liveliest
+satisfaction expressed all over his mobile features, he pirouetted round
+the room with the greatest animation, and daringly accomplished the
+giddiest somersaults that were ever turned. At last, nearly exhausted
+with this vigorous performance, he ran up to the throne, grasped me by
+the hand, which he wrung most heartily, and for all the world was his
+good old self again.
+
+'He now bade me follow him, and in utter silence we both crept out of
+the throne-room, through the ante-room, down the stairs, across the
+hall, and out by the front door into the garden.
+
+'We now traversed the terrace and crossed the tennis lawn, and stepping
+gently across the Rhododendron beds, scrambled as carefully as possible
+over the barbed-wire fence and found ourselves in the kitchen garden.
+Passing through innumerable beds of cabbages, beetroots, turnips,
+brussels sprouts, and broccoli, we at last stood in front of an old
+broken-down hen-house. The Minister knocked very gently three distinct
+times and gave a low musical call, which was immediately answered from
+within. The door now opened just sufficiently to admit one person at a
+time, and the Prime Minister crept in, dragging me after him, and then
+closing the door as quickly and as quietly as possible.
+
+'You may imagine my surprise when I discovered my two other old cronies
+seated amongst the hay newly strewn on the floor, the fat old roosters
+chortling wisely the while on their perches in the roof of the shed. Two
+or three candles, that were glued with their own fat on the stakes that
+were driven securely into the ground, together with an old stable
+lantern suspended from the roof, served to light up the interior. A
+squat and homely kettle was simmering cheerily in front of some glowing
+embers in the centre of the floor awaiting the brewing of a stout cup of
+tea, and the dominoes were all ready for a rattling game as of old.
+
+'Nothing could exceed the joy of the dear old boys, as they gripped me
+by the hand and punched me first on the chest and again on the back from
+pure joy, forgetting all the awe with which they had regarded me for so
+long since, and only remembering the many happy times we had spent
+together in days of yore,--those far-off happy days, before I had been
+so terribly, so uncomfortably exalted by my subjects.
+
+'As soon as I had made myself pretty comfortable, the Minister of
+Education reached up, and taking one of the old chickens from its perch,
+quickly killed it, plucked it and trussed it, and then, suspending it
+over the embers by a piece of string from the roof, turned it round and
+round gently until it was done to a T.
+
+'What a time we had in that old shed to be sure. After demolishing the
+chicken we played the most exciting games of dominoes until we were
+tired of them, then cats' cradles, then honey-pots, and then touch wood.
+And what could have been more refreshing than those cups of tea! And
+what more invigorating than the Pontefract cakes, the slabs of cocoanut
+ice, and sheets of almond hard-bake that we crunched between the games!
+And the songs and choruses with which we shook the crazy old hen-house
+to its rotting foundations! My word! How we trolled them out!
+
+'When our joy was at its height, and we were carolling the inimitable
+chorus of that more than glorious old song of the country-side, "Waiting
+for the Guinea Fowl," we were suddenly reminded of the approach of day
+by the loud crowing of the old cock over our heads, and peeping at once
+out of the door we perceived that already the dawn had advanced and
+lightened the eastern sky.
+
+[Illustration: WHAT A TIME WE HAD]
+
+'Without a moment's hesitation, the guttering candles were
+extinguished, and I was hurried back to the palace. But only just in
+time, for as I mounted the steps of my throne I could hear the lazy
+steps of the boot-boy as he unwillingly crawled downstairs to his work.
+
+'In the course of the day the Egg Counter to the Royal Household was
+dragged grovelling before me, complaining that the foxes had stolen one
+of the chickens under his care. I ordered the treasurer to disburse 9d.
+for a trap and dismissed the grinning churl, who little guessed the
+breed of foxes which had made away with his bird.
+
+'Night after night the four of us, unsuspected of any, now sought the
+hen-house, and forgot the harassing troubles of state in the pure joys
+of friendship. After killing, roasting, and supping off one of the birds
+as on our first meeting, we abandoned ourselves to the heartiest
+revelry, only to be awakened to the cold everyday world by the crowing
+of the old bantam.
+
+'During the daytime my friends resumed their deferential and almost
+servile demeanour, and nothing remained to remind me of the revels of
+the night before but the troubles of the Egg Counter, who now came to me
+every day with a fresh complaint that yet another of his birds had
+disappeared.
+
+'And now begins the narration of the most terrible of all my trials. One
+night--how well can I remember it, it was on the eve of that very day
+when the mighty King of the Persians and all his court were coming to
+spend the week-end with us, in order to celebrate my sixty-fifth
+birthday--we met as usual in the hen-house, and discovered to our dismay
+that we had demolished all the fowls with the exception of the old cock.
+After some discussion, and regardless of consequences, we decided to
+treat him as we had already treated his brothers and sisters, and in a
+very little time nothing was left of the tough old biped but bones, beak
+and feathers. Heedless of the morrow, we now gave ourselves up to the
+wildest enjoyment. Discarding such simple games as dominoes and
+honey-pots, we now indulged in the more thrilling joys of leap-frog,
+Hunt the Stag, Red Rover, Robbers and Thieves, and you would not believe
+me were I to tell you the amount of toffee, brandy-snaps, bull's eyes,
+and Edinburgh rock that we absorbed in the course of this agreeable
+evening.
+
+'Enlivened, no doubt, by the thought that to-morrow was my birthday, my
+excitement was intense, and communicating itself to my prankful cronies,
+it electrified their old bones in the most amazing manner.
+
+'How long we should have kept it up, it is, of course, impossible for me
+to say, but we were suddenly brought to a standstill by a loud knocking
+on the door of the shed and the sound of a great concourse of people on
+the other side. On opening the door I nearly fainted in my horror, for
+whom should I behold but the King of Persia and all his court, and as
+far as the eye could reach the faces of the Trojans all lit up by the
+morning sun, staring intently at the shed. Alas, we had eaten the old
+cock, our only timepiece, many hours ago, and without our knowledge the
+day had dawned and grown to midday.
+
+'Who shall describe my profound mortification, as I observed the look of
+sorrow on the King of Persia's noble countenance, or the distress with
+which I viewed the agonised disappointment of my subjects as they beheld
+their king, whom they one and all delighted to honour, playing leap-frog
+in a hen-house.
+
+'It appeared that on the arrival of the King of Persia, they had all
+proceeded in lordly procession with bands playing and flags flying to
+the throne-room, and not finding me there they had hunted everywhere for
+me, high and low, until at last, guided by the sounds of revelry in the
+hen-house, they discovered my wretched self in the ignominious position
+I have already described.
+
+'I was now seized by two of the Persian guards at the command of their
+monarch and marched off to the Palace, a lane being opened for me
+through the crowds of my silent and sorrowing subjects.
+
+'A council was very hurriedly called together, at which it was decided
+that I should be banished for ever from the city of Troy for so
+demeaning the exalted position to which I had been elevated, by my
+frolics in the hen-house, and that henceforth the King of Persia should
+reign in my stead.
+
+'Stripping my royal robes from me (they were compelled to leave my crown
+on, for it was so firmly fixed that it would not come off, try as they
+would), they now bandaged my eyes, and, with the only baggage I was
+allowed to take, tied up in an old patch-work quilt, they led me forth.
+Past crowds of my subjects, who now gave way to the most heartfelt
+sorrow, I was led, through the old gates of my beloved city and far out
+into the country. After we had travelled for about thirty miles my
+conductors at last removed the bandage from my eyes and left me to my
+despair, alone in the wilderness.
+
+'Sinking to the ground, I wept bitterly for three-quarters of an hour,
+when hunger beginning to assert itself, I started upon this long
+journey, which has at length brought me to you.
+
+'For many months have I travelled, often compelled to ask the way or beg
+assistance of the merest strangers, until at last,' concluded the old
+gentleman, 'as I was resting to-day in the shadow of this rick, I saw
+you all coming over the hill, and mistaking you for the legions of the
+King of Persia sent to hunt me down, I hid myself in the top of the
+rick.'
+
+Bill and all his charges were deeply moved at so harrowing a tale, and
+willingly proffered any assistance they were capable of rendering to the
+unhappy old boy.
+
+[Illustration: The King of Troy compelled to ask his way]
+
+The King of Troy, now assured of the good faith of his new friends,
+unfolded to them a scheme he had formed to raise an army and to march on
+Troy, and so recover, if possible, his lost power. Bill at once offered
+his services and was created commander-in-chief on the spot, and calling
+for volunteers, was answered by one great shout of joy from all his
+charges, every one of whom enlisted there and then in the new army of
+the King of Troy.
+
+Chad, Hannibal, Randall, Noah, Ratchett, Nero, Biddulph, and Knut were
+each promoted to the rank of officers as a matter of course, while the
+gentle Boadicea was deputed to look after the old King, whose comfort
+was now her greatest aim in life.
+
+[Illustration: tailpiece]
+
+[Illustration: vignette]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ANCIENT MARINER]
+
+[Illustration: headpiece]
+
+
+
+
+THE ANCIENT MARINER
+
+
+The next thing to be done was certainly to make the old King
+comfortable, so Bill took him home, and the good Chloe dosed him well
+with hot gruel, and made him put his feet in hot water, and sent him to
+bed. After remaining snugly tucked up for a few days, the cheerful old
+soul was ready and eager to start with his new army for Troy.
+
+In the meantime Bill, with the assistance of Crispin, had constructed a
+wonderful perambulator, in which the King could be conveyed with his
+luggage and such comforts as would be necessary for the old man during
+his progress.
+
+Having secured the permission of Crispin and Chloe, and of the other
+parents concerned (most of whom seemed only too glad to get rid of the
+lot), Bill, the King, and all the gallant young soldiers started on
+their adventurous journey. Loud were the shouts of admiration as the
+brave creatures marched down the village street; and at last, when they
+had entirely disappeared, the place seemed suddenly so quiet and dull
+that all retired to their bedrooms and gave way to tears.
+
+However, our duty is to follow the young braves. Having marched along
+the road across the Downs for some distance, they met the strangest
+couple,--a kind-looking old gentleman who, to judge from his appearance,
+had spent the greater part of his life upon the ocean, carrying in his
+arms, carefully and tenderly as though he were a frail young baby,
+another man, with the saddest and most thoughtful face that you ever
+beheld. Such touching kindness deeply affected all who witnessed it, and
+Bill at once greeted the good gentleman, and begged of him to account to
+them for his very strange appearance on the country road.
+
+'Sirs,' said the Ancient Mariner, as he placed his burden lovingly on
+the ground, 'my name is Jack, Plain Jack, and I am the ninth mate of the
+Swedish ship _Turnip_, a brig-rigged barquentine, that sailed from
+Cherry Garden Pier for Margate with a cargo of camels, in the year 1840,
+and has never since been heard of.
+
+'Though a born sailor, I succeeded my father in what was one of the best
+corn-chandler's businesses in that part of Barking. By my industry and
+thrift I, in time, so bettered my position and improved my business that
+I felt fully entitled to settle down and enter into the state of
+matrimony. For some years I had had my eye on the enchanting Jane
+Osbaldistone de Trevor, whose father kept a large brill farm by Barking
+Creek,--in fact, the largest of the many brill farms that used, in those
+days, to line the river from Limehouse Reach to Cherry Garden Pier.
+
+'His wealth and importance did not deter me from aspiring to the hand of
+his fascinating daughter; and why should they have done so? Was not I in
+the very promising position of owning the largest corn-chandler's store,
+from Wapping Old Stairs even as far down as Barking Creek? And then,
+again, was not I as well born as he, for did not my ancestors chandle
+corn in Barking long before the De Trevors had crossed the Channel, when
+they may, indeed, have earned a precarious livelihood by letting
+bathing-machines on the beach at Boulogne?
+
+'Nevertheless, on my broaching the subject to the old gentleman, he
+threw every conceivable obstacle in my way, and made conditions that
+were wellnigh impossible of being carried out. "If," said he, "you can
+bring to me, within the next few years, some object more wonderful than
+anything in the Bethnal Green Museum,--some object beside which St.
+Paul's Cathedral, the Monument, the Tower of London, or the Tower Bridge
+will be as uninteresting as an old one-bladed pocket-knife,--then you
+shall marry my daughter, but not otherwise"; and he chuckled to himself,
+knowing only too well that he had wellnigh dashed my hopes for ever.
+
+'But, after all, little did he know Plain Jack. Disappointed, but with
+some hope yet of claiming the lovely Jane, I sold my business for a
+considerable sum of money, which I took with me in my sea-chest, and
+signed on as Cabin Boy aboard the Swedish ship, _Turnip_, fully
+determined to travel all over the world, if necessary, in order to
+fulfil the conditions imposed upon me by the irritating old gentleman.
+
+'Foreseeing well how useful my superior officers might be to me in my
+quest, I resolved, as far as possible to deserve their good-will, and I
+behaved with such exemplary conduct that before we had passed Greenwich
+Hospital I was promoted to the rank of twelfth mate.
+
+'Still persevering in my good intentions, I performed many little acts
+of kindness, such as brewing the captain a cup of tea when he least
+expected it, and handing round to the officers and crew bars of colt's
+foot rock, a supply of which I took good care to bring with me. I
+repeat, so continually attentive was I, that, before we had passed the
+Nore, I was promoted to the rank of eleventh mate.
+
+'Off Herne Bay, I was still further able to gratify the captain and
+officers by pointing out to them the various public buildings and places
+of interest, which I had visited only last year during a delightful
+week-end trip. So delighted were they all that, before sighting Margate,
+I was promoted to the rank of tenth mate.
+
+'On arriving at Margate, numerous merchants came along the jetty in
+bath-chairs to examine our cargo. None, however, wanted to buy camels;
+all wanted donkeys for the sands. In spite of the captain's argument,
+that camels were much more used to sand than donkeys, having spent the
+best part of their lives on the sands of the desert, the merchants were
+obdurate, and we had to sail away again with our camels. We also now
+carried with us a shipload of Carraway Comfits, which we had purchased
+at Margate, hoping to be able to dispose of them at some port, and so
+compensate ourselves for the loss of business at Margate.
+
+[Illustration: I SIGN ON AS CABIN BOY]
+
+'For many days we sailed on and on, out through the Yarmouth Roads into
+the Persian Gulf, one incident alone standing out vividly in my memory
+during this part of the voyage. It was the dog watch, on a lovely summer
+evening; we were making little way, just sufficient to enliven the
+whitebait that leapt and prattled round our prow, or disturb a lazy
+brill that dozed upon our course. Here and there the spotted tunny
+would leap several yards from the sea, to descend again with a mighty
+smack upon the waters. From afar, borne upon the gentle breeze, came the
+low grizzle of the sperm-whale as it herded its young, or the thud of
+the mighty sword-fish, as it drove home the deadly weapon with which
+Nature, knowing its own ends, has provided him; while, mellowed by even
+greater distance, the high-pitched yell of the land-cod and the shriek
+of its maddened prey, could now and again be heard. I was lazily
+reclining among the peak halyards, whittling out a mermaid's head from
+a piece of hard-boiled gannet's egg, which I intended to send to Jane,
+should a passing vessel give me such an opportunity. Full of peace, and
+imbued with the calm that pervaded the sea and the sky, I was hardly
+prepared for the shock in store for me. Suddenly, without any warning, I
+was jerked from my position among the halyards, and flung head-first
+into the sea. Down, and down I went, until, nearly exhausted, I made one
+great effort to come to the surface. When at last I reached it, I found
+that from some unknown cause the ship had been tilted nearly on to its
+side, and thus had sent me almost to the bottom of the sea.
+
+'To climb on deck and ascertain the cause of the disaster was the work
+of a moment. It transpired that the cargo of carraway comfits had got
+shifted and was mixed up with the camels. The captain was asleep at the
+time, and every one else seemed to lose his wits, so I at once took the
+matter into my own hands, and descended into the hold with twelve picked
+men.
+
+'The plight of the camels was sad indeed to see. Some were fearfully
+chafed with the comfits, thus proving with what force the latter must
+have been showered upon them by the shifting of the cargo. Fortunately,
+however, although it was very black in the ship's hold, the camels were
+easily distinguished from the comfits, and it was only a work of
+patience and a little time to sift them and so right the ship again.
+
+'When the captain awakened and learnt how I had saved the ship, his
+gratitude knew no bounds, and he still further promoted me by making me
+his ninth mate.
+
+'For years we sailed from port to port, taking in one cargo here,
+another there, occasionally with some advantage to ourselves, but more
+often with none at all, and never with any good fortune attending me in
+my quest. When we were about thirty days' sail out from Guatemala, and,
+as far as I could tell, in latitude 195 and longitude 350 (that is,
+about 60 degrees east of the Equator), we encountered a storm which
+brought me to the successful accomplishment of my quest. It was four
+bells and my watch below, so I had gone aloft in the mizzen shrouds, and
+with my feet resting idly on the top-gallant backstay, holding securely
+to the weather topsail reeftackle, I munched a tunny sandwich, a few of
+which I had prevailed upon the steward to cut for me. Under a clear sky,
+we were making roughly, I should say, about 335 knots, and it was
+already blowing half a gale; a choppy sea was running, yet, except for
+the clots of spindrift, that now and again hurtled against the mast,
+there was no real promise of the storm to come; so I went on with my
+sandwiches.
+
+'We were now sailing close-hauled under double-reefed main storm
+topsails and fore and aft main staysails, keeping a good course and
+shipping very little water, when, suddenly, I beheld on the horizon,
+well to windward, a little cloud no larger than a tomato,--the English
+tomato, I mean, not the foreign species, though it rapidly attained that
+size. It grew larger and larger until it was quite the size of a
+full-grown vegetable marrow; yet, little recking that it contained the
+seeds of the terrible tempest that was so soon to overwhelm us, I still
+went on with my sandwiches.
+
+[Illustration: I WENT ON WITH MY SANDWICHES]
+
+'Presently the gale increased, and the seas swelled up to the size of
+Ludgate Hill. Whole shoals of the passive skate arose to the surface and
+flopped warningly about our vessel. To leeward could be seen flocks of
+the wild sea shrike, whose ominous bark could be distinctly heard above
+the snort of the coming tempest. By now the cloud had half filled the
+heavens; the seas rose higher and higher; the din was terrific, as the
+wind tore from the sea shoal upon shoal of the shy sardine and whirled
+them through the air. Soon the ship was drenched in the high seas that
+continually broke over her and the quarts and quarts of rain that
+wolloped from the dense cloud now covering the whole sky and blotting
+out all light.
+
+'At last came the order from the captain, who now realised the danger
+that threatened his vessel. "Up helm," roared he, through his
+speaking-trumpet, "clew up the lee braces of the topsail halyards; haul
+out the reef tackle and brail up the spanker." But the command came too
+late. The fore-topsail studding booms went by the board, carrying with
+them the bowsprit, the main mast, the fo'c's'le, the top-gallant
+studding-sail halyard, and the captain's tobacco-pouch, which had been
+placed upon the bowsprit earlier in the afternoon. Nothing could now be
+seen except, here and there, the gleam on some fish as it was whirled,
+with the masts, men, boots, screws, sharks, thimbles, sea anemones,
+watch-chains, ship's stores, planks, and other miscellaneous objects,
+through the sky. I had barely finished my last sandwich when, lo,
+everything became a blank to me and I lost all consciousness.
+
+'How long I remained thus I cannot say, but I awakened on the sandy
+shore of some island, upon which I had been thrown by the force of the
+wind. Nothing could I see of my companions: a few planks and spars and
+my own wretched self were all that remained to tell the tale of the good
+ship _Turnip_.
+
+'The wind had dropped, and it was a beautiful morning, not a trace of
+the storm remaining, only here and there the panting of the crayfish, as
+they nestled behind the rocks, or the gasping of the oysters telling of
+the strain they had undergone. I gazed along the shore in each
+direction, hoping to discover a bathing-machine, and so satisfy myself
+that the island was inhabited. Nothing was in sight, however, so I lay
+down again and dozed. When I awoke once more it was high noon, and the
+vertical rays of the sun warned me that it was time to take shelter. I
+raised myself on one arm with this intention, when I became aware of a
+strange figure, dressed in a long robe and with a great turban, who was
+seated on a rock near by, gazing out to sea.
+
+'I got to my feet with considerable difficulty as I was faint with
+hunger and stiff in the limbs, and was about to approach the object,
+when I discovered two more figures, who evidently had the same
+intention. Seemingly they did not wish to be observed by the singular
+creature I have already described, for they were stealthily approaching
+him from behind, creeping from rock to rock. I at once stooped down
+behind a great star-fish, determined to watch unobserved.
+
+'I now noticed that both were savages, and that one of them held close
+to his body an old, rusty kitchen-range; while the other carried, in one
+hand, a basket of coals, and with the other supported a huge, iron
+sauce-pan across his shoulders. Nearer and nearer drew the cannibals (as
+I soon guessed them to be) to their intended victim, who, however,
+either because he did not hear them, or did not dread them, took no
+notice at all. Presently they were crouching down behind him, and he was
+still apparently unconscious of their presence. Then, with a wild whoop
+they leapt into the air, and dropped on the ground in front of him. Even
+now the amazing creature took no notice of the cannibals or their
+antics, as they danced and yelled around him. Soon realising that there
+was something very unusual in his reception of them, they stared in awe
+and amazement at him for some time, and then fled in terror, leaving the
+saucepan, the kitchen-range and the other cooking utensils behind them.
+
+'They ran along the sands, and dropped behind a rock at a great distance
+away, where they remained completely hidden for some long time.
+Presently, however, one black head appeared for an instant above the
+rock, and gazed in the direction of the thoughtful creature by the sea.
+This head was very quickly withdrawn from view and another popped
+up,--only to disappear as quickly. Then the first appeared again, and so
+on. This continued until they had regained a little of their nerve, when
+I could see them once more crawling back to the abstracted figure on the
+shore. Again they drew very close to him, and now that they had
+sufficiently mastered their fears, they approached and examined him very
+closely, and proceeded at once to prepare their evening meal. First of
+all they lit the fire, then they carefully placed their unresisting
+victim in the saucepan, after filling it with water from the sea, and
+were just about to lift it on to the range when I lost all patience, and
+shouted from my hiding-place, "Hold!" so many times in quick succession,
+and each time in a different tone of voice, that the cannibals must have
+thought there were at least thirty men or more in hiding. At any rate,
+they fled in the most abject terror, never to return.
+
+'Giving them good time to disappear, I now emerged from my hiding-place
+and approached the absent-minded creature, gently lifting him from the
+saucepan, in which I found him still sitting and gazing out to sea.
+Gathering together many sea-urchins, rock-beetles, and branches of a
+succulent sea-weed, with which the beach had been strewn by the recent
+storm, I prepared an exquisite stew, and made a very hearty meal. I was
+also able to induce my companion to take some, without, however,
+succeeding in breaking his train of thought.
+
+[Illustration: FOR YEARS WE SAILED]
+
+'For many months no other friend had I than this preoccupied curiosity,
+who seemed quite unable to give me any clue as to who he was or whence
+he came. Perhaps he had been shipwrecked there in childhood--who
+knows?--and wandered there ever since, the wonder of every limpet or
+lugworm that squirmed upon those shores, or the sport of every mer-kid
+that flipped a fin in those unknown waters.
+
+'To cut a long story short, I soon realised that here was the object I
+was in search of, and that if this dreamy creature did not sufficiently
+astonish old De Trevor, and compel him to consent to my marrying his
+daughter, nothing on this earth would do the deed, so I resolved to
+leave the island with my treasure as soon as I could make it possible to
+do so. I set about making a raft, which I quickly succeeded in
+completing, having since my childhood had a great knack at the making of
+rafts, and, without undue delay, I embarked with my prize, provisioned
+with as many shell-fish and branches of the succulent sea-weed as the
+raft would carry.
+
+'After some few months, and just as we had finished our last limpet, we
+had the good fortune to be picked up by a tramp-steamer, bound for
+Saskatchewan from Mombasa, with a cargo of periwinkles. The captain was
+such a kind-hearted man that, on hearing my story he decided to go out
+of his course, and land us at Cherry Garden Pier; and so, my good
+friends, after sixty years' sailing all over the globe, I arrived home
+again, a poorer but a kinder man.
+
+[Illustration: The sport of every mer-kid]
+
+'You may be sure that I lost no time in seeking out Jane herself, with
+every hope of at last being able to claim her hand, but alas!
+gentlemen,' said the Ancient Mariner, with a large, salt tear about to
+fall from each eye, and as he once more tenderly lifted his burden, 'I
+was to find that Jane had become a very, very old woman, with many
+little grandchildren of her own, and that she had entirely
+forgotten my existence. She had me turned away from her doorstep as a
+raving madman, even with my interesting, absent-minded, and inseparable
+companion.
+
+'Thus, Good Sirs, I have to start life anew, and if my great experience
+should be of any service to you, believe me, it is yours to command.'
+
+[Illustration: tailpiece]
+
+[Illustration: vignette]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE TRIPLETS]
+
+[Illustration: headpiece]
+
+
+
+
+THE TRIPLETS
+
+
+Right gladly were the services of the plucky old salt accepted by the
+gallant little band, and taking it in turns to relieve him of his
+burden, they jovially marched along. The way was enlivened by many a
+good chorus, until the old King complained of a headache, when every one
+had to be quiet and talk only in quite a low tone, while Boadicea
+soothed the old fidget, and lulled him to sleep, by removing his crown
+and gently stroking the top of his head with a mint leaf, rolled into a
+little ball, and fastened to the end of a stem of sweet-briar. He
+awakened shortly after tea, very much refreshed for his nap, and every
+one grew merry again.
+
+He now, however, considerably delayed the progress of the expedition by
+insisting on running after butterflies, and trying to catch them in his
+crown. Though anxious enough to continue their journey, all the army
+awaited with great patience the pleasure of the old sportsman. At length
+Knut, who had been eagerly watching the King for some time, as he
+frisked about the fields after the brightly-coloured insects, could not
+restrain himself from doing likewise. Now Hannibal joined in the sport,
+then Quentin, then Noah, then Ratchett, and, so exciting did the chase
+become, soon all the force were frantically running about the fields
+with the lively monarch, while Boadicea remained by the carriage and
+darned his old stockings.
+
+At last the King grew tired, and they all came back to the road and
+resumed their march. The tiresome sovereign now insisted on the Ancient
+Mariner removing his burden to the rear, complaining that the
+absent-minded creature would stare at him, and that he did not wish to
+be gazed at or wondered at. 'Time enough for that,' said he, 'when I'm
+on my throne again.' Having effected this change in the order of the
+procession, they now marched on without further interruption from the
+King.
+
+Towards nightfall they drew near to the sea, on the shores of which they
+hoped to spend the night. Bill being, as usual, a little in advance of
+the others, was the first to descend to the sands, seated on which he
+discovered, to his great astonishment, three young children weeping
+bitterly, and near to them, in the same state of grief, he beheld an
+old gentleman seated upon a rock. But what aroused his astonishment even
+more than their extreme wretchedness, was the fact that the three
+children were all exactly alike in every particular,--the same size, the
+same hair, the same eyes,--in fact, there was no perceptible difference
+of any kind between them. Now and again, one of the children would
+endeavour to comfort the old man, and he again would attempt to perform
+the like kindly office for them. Wondering what could so upset such
+worthy creatures, Bill approached and besought them to confide to him
+their troubles, that he might try to relieve them to the best of his
+ability. Their tears, however, effectually prevented them from replying
+at once to him. Giving them a little time to recover, Bill again
+addressed them. 'Who are you?' said he, and they all answered between
+their sobs, 'We are the Duchess of Blowdripping and her two sisters,
+Mellinid and Edil.'
+
+'Which of you,' asked Bill, 'is the Duchess?'
+
+'That's what we don't know,' they replied. 'We only know that she is
+neither Mellinid nor Edil.'
+
+'Then who of you is Mellinid, and who Edil?' again queried the puzzled
+Bill.
+
+'That's what all the trouble's about,' they tearfully rejoined. 'All we
+can tell you for certain is that neither of them is the Duchess,' and
+the poor little creatures redoubled their cries.
+
+More puzzled than ever, and quite at a loss to find any clue to their
+troubles, Bill again besought them to relieve their minds by confiding
+in him. Then one of the little creatures stood up and, after drying her
+eyes, addressed Bill in the following way:--
+
+[Illustration: ENDEAVOURING TO COMFORT THE OLD MAN]
+
+'As you have most likely guessed, we are triplets, and were christened
+Blaura, Mellinid and Edil, after three great-aunts renowned for their
+intelligence and their many virtues. From our earliest days we were so
+much alike that each had to wear a different coloured hair-ribbon to
+distinguish her from her sisters. Blaura wore red, Mellinid blue, and
+Edil green. Our affectionate parents, the late Duke and Duchess of
+Blowdripping, died when we were barely six months old, and we were all
+left in charge of our uncle, the benevolent gentleman you see weeping on
+my left. Before the thoughtful creatures expired, feeling that their end
+was drawing near, they were faced with the difficult problem as to which
+of us should be the new Duchess; all of us, as I have said before, being
+of the same age. Of course, I need not tell you that it was quite out of
+the question we should all inherit the title; three young ladies trying
+to be one duchess would be absurd in the extreme. So our intelligent and
+resourceful mother and father decided, after much deliberation with the
+family solicitor, and the vicar of the parish, that Blaura should
+succeed to the title and all the dignities of the Duchy of Blowdripping
+when she arrived at the age of eight years, and that, at the same time,
+Mellinid should become the owner of Blowdripping Hall, with its
+priceless collections of pictures, old china, fossils and foreign
+stamps, and Edil become the possessor of the Blowdripping Park, in which
+the Hall is so pleasantly situated, with its herds of hedgehogs, elands
+and gnu. I am sure you will agree with me that no more just division of
+their great possessions could have been devised by the fair-minded
+couple. Our uncle was kindness itself, ever watching us with the
+affectionate care of a mother. He was always at hand to look to our
+comforts, and to see that no danger drew nigh, whether we were bathing
+in the marble fountains of the courtyard, taking the air in the park, or
+sleeping in our tastefully-decorated bedroom.
+
+'One beautiful summer's afternoon, when we were about one year old, we
+had been taken on to the verandah to enjoy our afternoon nap, in order
+that we might have advantage of the delightful breeze that blew across
+the woods from the sea. As usual our uncle was near by, and so soothing
+was the air that, unable to resist its drowsy influence, he, too, soon
+dozed off. Unfortunately we awakened before our unconscious nurse, and
+immediately rolled out of our cradles, and crawled along the pavement of
+the verandah. Great sport we had, I have no doubt, as children will, and
+certain it is that, attracted by their brilliant colours, we lost no
+time in removing from each other's heads our distinguishing ribbons, and
+speedily mixing them up. However, at length, and too late, our baby
+laughter awakened the old gentleman from his sleep. Too great for words
+was the astonishment of the unhappy man when he beheld us all shuffled
+up and mixed in this deplorable way upon the pavement. Bitterly he
+accused himself of wicked negligence for allowing such a thing to
+happen, for so alike were we without our distinguishing ribbons, that he
+could never hope to know one from the other again. He thought, and
+thought, and thought for the whole afternoon, but at the end he was no
+nearer discovering again which was the future Duchess, which Mellinid,
+and which Edil. At last, he gave it up in despair. Henceforth we were
+known only collectively as the future Duchess and her two sisters, but
+which is the Duchess, and which the two sisters, will remain for ever a
+mystery.
+
+[Illustration: WE GREW UP IN COMPARATIVE HAPPINESS]
+
+[Illustration: He was always at hand]
+
+'Nevertheless, we grew up in comparative happiness until yesterday, the
+fateful day when we all became eight years of age. Before
+breakfast, and with all due solemnity, our faithful uncle handed over to
+us the control and guardianship of the Blowdripping possessions, which
+had been entrusted to him until we should arrive at our present age,
+but, alas! we could not avail ourselves of the good provision made for
+us by our thoughtful parents, as neither one of us knew which of us we
+were. The Duchess, as head of the family, could not give her consent to
+anything, or advance any money for the housekeeping as, for all she
+knew, she might be one of her own sisters, in which case she would have
+been touching that which did not rightly belong to her. For the same
+reason Mellinid, not knowing who she herself was, could not give her
+consent to our remaining at the Hall, and likewise Edil could not allow
+the magnificent house still to occupy its lovely situation in the
+Blowdripping Park. After talking the matter over, and over again, we
+have come to the conclusion that, without the permission of the proper
+owners, which, you will see, it is impossible for us to obtain, the only
+course open to us was to abandon our riches, and to leave the park and
+the castle for ever. Our good uncle, putting all the blame for our
+troubles upon his own negligence, insisted on accompanying us.'
+
+At the conclusion of this strange story Bill was certainly aghast at the
+very difficult problem put before him, and quite at a loss to offer any
+solution. He therefore conducted the trembling triplets and their
+grief-stricken uncle before the King, who had in the meantime arrived
+upon the shore. Bill explained the difficult position in which the poor
+young things found themselves; but, wise as he undoubtedly was, the King
+for some time could make nothing whatever of it. He called all his
+officers and soldiers round him, and they formed one great semicircle,
+of which he was the centre; the triplets were then placed before him,
+and he at once proceeded to question them.
+
+'Have you,' said he, addressing the first triplet, 'any idea as to which
+of the three of you you really are?'
+
+'None whatever,' answered the child.
+
+He then repeated the same question to the other triplets, and received
+the same answer.
+
+'Come now,' continued the King, in a cheerful voice, 'does any one of
+you feel at all like a duchess?'
+
+'We don't know how a duchess should feel,' they all replied.
+
+The King here frowned severely and ground his teeth.
+
+'Now, one of you must be telling an untruth,' said he, 'for one of you,
+as you say, is the Duchess, and must know exactly how she feels, which
+must be how a duchess feels. Come now, which of you is she?' And the
+quick-tempered monarch knit his brows into the most terrible folds.
+'Unless that one is one of her own sisters and not the Duchess,' he
+roared, 'she ought to be ashamed of her deceit, and severely punished;
+and if, indeed, she is not the Duchess, then she ought to be punished
+all the same. I've half a mind to have the three of you smacked hard,
+that I may at least be certain of punishing the right one.'
+
+Bill suggested timidly that perhaps this would be rather unfair, as two
+of them at least would be unjustly punished.
+
+'But which two?' snapped the irritated King. 'How can any of them feel
+unjustly treated if she doesn't know whether she's the guilty one or
+not?' And he worked himself into a terrible fury, and strode up and down
+the sands, no one daring to approach him. Suddenly, without any warning
+of his intention, he ran down to the sea, and removing his shoes and
+stockings, cooled his temper by paddling his feet in the sea-water. In a
+little time he returned, his excitement much allayed, and soon the cries
+of the distracted and unhappy triplets, together with the pitiful sighs
+of the dejected uncle, entirely assuaged the wrath of the sympathetic,
+though quick-tempered, old man.
+
+When he once more resumed his place before the three children the storm
+had passed, and a sweet, good-natured smile enlivened his homely old
+face, and charmed all beholders.
+
+'Well, well, well,' said he, 'triplets will be triplets after all, and
+uncles uncles, all the world over.'
+
+He at once resumed the inquiry, and placing his hand kindly on the head
+of the second triplet he now addressed the first in the following way:--
+
+'Let us suppose for the moment that you happen to know which of your
+sisters this particular one really is, who, in that case, would the
+third one be, if she (the third) were not Mellinid?'
+
+'Either Edil or the Duchess,' promptly replied the intelligent child.
+
+'Quite right,' said the King encouragingly, 'Now as this is not so, and
+you certainly do not know which of your sisters this one happens to be,
+the reverse must be true, so that if your other sister is neither Edil
+nor the Duchess, who must she be?'
+
+'Mellinid, of course,' readily answered the child, and every one
+applauded and wondered at the wisdom of the King.
+
+'It only now remains,' proceeded the King, addressing the first and
+second triplets 'to discover which of you is Edil and which the
+Duchess.' Placing his hand once more upon the head of the second
+triplet, he again addressed the first.
+
+'Suppose, for the sake of argument, that this sister of yours whom we
+now know not to be Mellinid were Mellinid and Mellinid the Duchess, in
+that case you would assuredly be Edil. Now as you cannot suppose this
+sister to be Mellinid when you know she is not, and the Duchess is the
+Duchess and not Mellinid, then our supposition must be wrong and the
+reverse true, so that Mellinid remains Mellinid and, as we say you are
+not Edil, then this little girl must be she.' Then shaking the first
+triplet by the hand, the complacent old potentate said in
+conclusion:--'And you, my dear creature, are thus proved to be neither
+Edil nor Mellinid but Blaura, the charming Duchess of Blowdripping, to
+whom I offer my hearty congratulations.' The cheerful soul now embraced
+the three children, and when he had a hand free he slapped the old
+uncle, who now looked the very picture of happiness, several times upon
+the back.
+
+[Illustration: THE TRIPLETS ACCOMPANY THE ARMY]
+
+Cheers were raised again and again at the unheard-of wisdom of the King
+of Troy. The old uncle completely exhausted himself by leaping high into
+the air over and over again, while the triplets were beyond themselves
+with joy at such a successful end to their troubles.
+
+So delighted were the triplets with their new friends that, during
+breakfast the next morning, they announced their intention of
+accompanying them to their journey's end, and entrusted the care of the
+Blowdripping estate to their old uncle until they should return. The
+camp packed up and when every one was ready to continue the journey,
+they all took an affectionate leave of the old man and marched on.
+
+[Illustration: tailpiece]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GOOD AUNT GALLADIA]
+
+[Illustration: headpiece]
+
+
+
+
+GOOD AUNT GALLADIA
+
+
+At first the King seemed disposed to be not a little irritable towards
+the triplets, murmuring something to himself about the extra expense. A
+good lunch, however, soon put him to rights, and he was his old cheerful
+self again.
+
+In the afternoon they met upon the road a long thin man with a grin of
+the greatest self-satisfaction widening his otherwise narrow face. In
+one hand he carried a cage containing a miserable old bird that could
+hardly boast an egg-cupful of feathers on its whole shrivelled body; in
+the other he carried a large wooden box. He very good-naturedly stood
+aside for the army to move on, but the King, whose curiosity had been
+aroused, would not allow him to be passed unquestioned, so he rang a
+little bell he always carried with him for the purpose, and the whole
+force at once stopped short. In obedience to a signal from the King, the
+long man stepped jauntily before him. 'Anything wrong, old chirpy?' said
+he, addressing the King rather rudely as some thought. 'Not with me,'
+the King replied with much dignity. 'My only reason for calling you
+before me is to learn why you are so extremely pleased with yourself.
+Such a secret would be of the greatest value to us all.' 'Because she's
+given these back to me,' answered the long fellow as he opened his box
+and disclosed, all neatly arranged, a beautiful collection of birds'
+eggs. Every kind appeared to be there, and all of the most beautiful
+colours imaginable.
+
+'But who is she?' queried the King.
+
+'Why, my good Aunt Galladia, of course, but it's too long a story to
+tell standing up, so let us sit down by the roadside, and you shall hear
+all about it.'
+
+Every one now seated themselves on the grass by the side of the road and
+over a comforting cup of tea, speedily brewed by Boadicea, the long man
+began his story:--
+
+'My good aunt's full name was Galladia Glowmutton, and she was the only
+daughter of that gallant general, Sir Francis Melville Glowmutton, who
+distinguished himself so greatly in the defence of his country.
+
+'It was my good fortune to spend my earliest days in this good
+creature's company, she, noble soul that she was, having undertaken to
+look after me when my poor father and mother disappeared in a sand-storm
+many years before.
+
+'The greater part of her life this good woman had devoted to brightening
+the declining years of her well-loved father, whose arduous life, poor
+man, had left him in his old age, truth to tell, rather a tiresome, and
+sometimes a difficult, subject to get on with. However, thanks to her
+devotion and patience, he led a tolerably happy life. In the course of
+time the old warrior died and left the sorrowing lady well provided
+for,--that is, over and beyond necessaries, with sufficient money to
+keep up appearances, and even enough for her simple pleasures and
+hobbies.
+
+'For some months my good aunt could not fill the blank in her life left
+by the loss of her father. So much kindness, however, could not be kept
+back for long, and was bound in the course of time to find its object.
+Always with a love for every feathered creature, she at last set about
+gathering around her as complete a collection of them as she could
+obtain. Soon she had in her aviaries the most marvellous assembly of
+birds ever brought together even at the Zoo. There were specimens of the
+Paraguay gull, Borneo parrots, Australian gheck ghees, the laughing
+grete, Malay anchovy wren that only feeds upon anchovies (and very
+amusing indeed it is, too, to watch them spearing the little fish with
+their beaks and then trying to shake them off again), and the
+golden-crested mussel hawk, that swoops down from an incredible height
+and, snatching its prey from the rocks, again disappears in the sky.
+Without wearying you with a long list, nearly every known bird was
+represented in my aunt's collection, from the fierce saw-beaked stork of
+Tuscaroca to the mild and pretty little Gossawary chick.
+
+'Much as she prized every one of her pets, she loved most of all the
+very rare and beautiful green-toed button crane of Baraboo. So fond was
+she of the stately creature, and so careful of its every comfort, that
+she employed a maid to wait on it alone, and a special cook to prepare
+its meal of Peruvian yap beans, the delicious and tender kernels of
+which the dainty creature was inordinately fond of,--and, indeed, they
+were the only food upon which it throve.
+
+'Now, with your permission, a few words about myself. Like my aunt I,
+too, had birdish leanings, but unlike her in this, that instead of birds
+I collected birds' eggs, of which I had a vast number of every
+conceivable variety. Ashamed as I am to state it, little did my good
+Aunt Galladia know how many of the valuable specimens in my collection
+were taken from her aviaries. Nevertheless she viewed my specimens with
+growing suspicion, until at last she implicitly forbade me to collect
+any more. For a time I desisted, and merely contented myself with
+gloating over my already vast collection, but in a little while
+temptation became too strong for me and I resumed my pursuits.
+
+'One afternoon about this time I had mounted a tall tree in the
+Glowmutton Park, intent on obtaining the contents of a nest built in its
+highest branches. For some time I was unable to approach the nest, but
+at length, by dint of much perseverance, I just managed to reach my hand
+over the top, and took therefrom three beautiful eggs, of a kind as yet
+unrepresented in my collection. So occupied was I with my prize, that I
+did not at first observe what was taking place beneath the tree. But on
+beginning to descend, I saw to my horror immediately below me, my Aunt
+Galladia and her pet crane seated at tea, with the crane's maid in
+attendance.
+
+[Illustration: I JUST MANAGED TO REACH THE EGGS]
+
+'Needless to say I did not continue my descent, but climbed out to the
+end of a branch, high over the group. I waited in dreadful suspense in
+the hope that my aunt would not look up, and that they would soon finish
+their meal and depart as quickly as they had arrived, but, alas! they
+were in no hurry. I trembled now so much that I could hear the leaves
+rustling on the branch, and whether it was that in my fear I loosened my
+hold, or that the branch shook so under my trembling form, or whether
+the sight of a beautiful plum cake, directly over which I was poised,
+made me lose my nerve, I know not, but certain it is that I fell from my
+position right on to the table. Both my aunt and the maid fainted at
+once quite away, and the timid green-toed button crane of Baraboo was in
+such a terrible flutter that in its excitement it snapped the slender
+gold chain that held it and flew into the sky, where it was soon lost to
+view. "Now I've done it," thought I, and, no doubt, should have run away
+had I been able to move, but I was so bruised that I was compelled to
+remain among the shattered remains of the table and tea things.
+Presently the maid came to, and then my aunt, and nothing could exceed
+her rage and grief at losing her valuable pet. They took me home between
+them and put me to bed, and the severest punishment they could devise
+was to take away from me my lovely collection of eggs. "Never,"
+shrieked my wrathful aunt, "shall you have these again until you bring
+back to me my beautiful crane."
+
+[Illustration: I ANGLE THE AIR]
+
+'After a while I recovered, but no one dared to speak to me, and I moped
+about the house in solitary wretchedness without a single egg to
+contemplate.
+
+'At last I could bear it no longer, and one night I left the house
+determined never to return again without the crane. I took with me an
+old perambulator, in which I had been wheeled about as a child, and
+in this I placed six of the delicious kernels of the Peruvian yap bean,
+besides a hatchet and other things which I thought might be useful on my
+journey. I slept in the forest and, on the following morning I cut down
+the straightest tree I could find for my purpose, trimmed it to a fine
+long pole, and on the very top of this I fastened a pin, bent to the
+form of a fish-hook, which I now baited with one of the yap kernels.
+
+[Illustration: I fell from my position]
+
+[Illustration: I ERECTED MY POLE ON THE SANDS]
+
+'"If anything will attract the bird, this will," thought I, having
+fastened the foot of the pole to my perambulator. I now proceeded to
+angle the air for the lost crane. Carefully following the direction I
+had observed the bird to take when it broke away from its chain, I
+travelled for weeks and weeks, without seeing any sign of it. In time,
+without even a nibble, the first kernel was dissolved and worn away by
+the wind and rain, and, in like manner the same fate overcame the
+second, with which I baited my hook; then the third, then the fourth,
+and then the fifth.
+
+'Still keeping the same direction, by this time I had arrived at the
+very edge of the world, beyond which there is nothing but sea and sky.
+Believing that the poor creature had flown out over this lonely sea, and
+hoping that it might return when it realised that there was no land
+beyond, I determined to wait on the desolate shore.
+
+'I now erected my pole on the sands, after once more baiting my hook,
+this time with a piece of my last kernel, having taken the precaution of
+cutting it into six pieces. I now waited patiently, week after week,
+subsisting on the oysters, the starfish, and the edible crustaceans,
+that wandered tamely about the shore. Months now passed by, and, one by
+one, the five pieces of my last yap kernel had followed the other five
+kernels with which I had set out from home. I am not easily beaten,
+however, and though many months had passed by without my meeting with
+any success, I would not give in, but husbanded my last piece of bait
+with the greatest care. I cut a chip of wood from my angling pole, and
+shaped it in the form of a kernel of the Peruvian yap bean. This I
+rubbed well all over with the tiny piece of the real kernel that yet
+remained to me, until it assumed somewhat the colour of the original
+bean and, certainly, when applied to the tip of the tongue, it appeared
+to partake, though very slightly, it is true, of the original flavour,
+and with this I once more baited my hook.
+
+[Illustration: ITS OLD STATELY SELF AGAIN]
+
+'By this means I made my last piece of bean last for some years, for as
+soon as the artificial bean had lost its flavour, I rubbed it up again
+with the real one. But even this could not go on for ever, and, at last,
+the true piece was worn right away; so, to preserve what little flavour
+there yet remained of the true bean in the false bean, on which it had
+been so often rubbed, I soaked it for six days in a large shell of
+rain-water. In the meantime I cut another chip from my pole, and spent
+nearly six days in carving out another artificial kernel. Before
+baiting my hook with this, I dipped it into the fluid in which the old
+wooden kernel was still soaking, whence it received a very very faint
+suggestion of the original flavour, but so faint was this that it had to
+be redipped three times a day. This went on for some time, until the
+precious liquor began to run low, and I was compelled to dilute it still
+further, in the proportion of about five drops to a mussel-shellful of
+water, into which the wooden kernel was now dipped ten or twelve times a
+day.
+
+'Well, I had been at this game, I should say, getting on for twenty
+years, and now resolved to have done with it, after risking all on one
+throw. So I dropped my wooden kernel, all rotted and weather-beaten as
+it was, into what little there remained over of the pure liquor, this
+time without diluting it at all, and then let it stew all day in the
+sun.
+
+'In the evening the liquor was all evaporated, and the wooden bean
+seemed to the taste as though it possibly might have been in the
+vicinity of a real one some time before. On that evening, for the last
+time, I baited my hook and slept soundly at the foot of the pole.
+
+'I was awakened next morning by the wind that had arisen during the
+night, and a great wrenching noise, as it tore my poor old angling-pole
+from its place in the sand, and carried it out to sea.
+
+'"That settles it once and for all," thought I, much relieved, "and I'm
+off home," and I set about getting my things together. While I was thus
+engaged, it occurred to me that the old pole might be useful for fires,
+so I swam out for it. Already it had been blown some way out to sea,
+and, as the tide was against me, it was only with a very great exertion
+of strength that I gained at all upon it, and I was just about to give
+it up when I beheld, fastened to the bent pin at the end of the pole,
+the wretched crane. The sight lent me greater strength, and, after
+incredible exertions, I reached the pole almost exhausted. We were now
+too far from the shore to attempt to return, so I got astride the pole,
+and immediately proceeded to unfasten the unhappy fowl from my bent pin.
+At first I thought the poor thing dead, but I nursed it in my arms all
+through the ensuing night, and, on the following morning, happening to
+glance down its half-opened beak, I could just see that my wooden
+imitation of the kernel of the Peruvian yap bean had become lodged in
+its throat. This I at once removed, and, to my great joy, the dejected
+fowl almost immediately opened its eyes. Soon it became its old stately
+self again, though now I could see that the poor thing had aged very
+considerably since it left home.
+
+'Well, to cut a long story short, at length the gale ceased, and we
+landed safely on the shore, much nearer to our home, and, after many
+vicissitudes and adventures, of which I shall have great pleasure in
+telling you at another time, we eventually arrived at Glowmutton
+Castle.
+
+'To my grief I learnt that my good aunt, Galladia, had died many years
+before of old age, and that, true to her own good-nature, her last
+commands were that if ever I should return with her dearly-loved fowl,
+my collection of eggs was to be handed back to me, and in recompense for
+all my privations and exertions to recover the bird, I was to have the
+care of it and the comfort of its society as long as it lived. So, now
+you see why I am so pleased with myself.'
+
+The King and the whole army were charmed with the recital, and the long
+man, whose many noble qualities had already endeared him to them, was
+cordially invited to join the forces.
+
+'It's all one to me, my cronies,' said the good-natured creature, and
+they all trudged on.
+
+[Illustration: tailpiece]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE DOCTOR]
+
+[Illustration: headpiece]
+
+
+
+
+THE DOCTOR
+
+
+For many days they had now travelled without meeting with any adventure,
+when one evening they saw coming towards them a bright young lad, who
+was leading by the hand an exceedingly learned-looking old gentleman.
+Their appearance was such as to arouse the King's curiosity to such a
+degree that he asked the boy the time as he was passing, and then, when
+all stood still in the road, he led the talk from one thing to another
+until at last, emboldened by their friendliness, the King came to the
+point, and asked the lad who he was and whence he had come.
+
+The two strangers then sat down at the side of the road, and the lad
+thus addressed the King:--
+
+'You may not believe it, but I am the original Ptolemy Jenkinson, the
+only and well-beloved nephew of that great and celebrated doctor,
+Ebenezer Scrout, whom you now see at my side. When, a trembling orphan,
+I was thrown upon an unfeeling world, he alone of my numerous uncles,
+aunts, so-called friends and guardians, undertook to find me a
+comfortable and even luxurious home, and so to educate me that I might
+prove worthy of occupying the exalted position for which I am destined.
+
+'Uncle Ebenezer was my mother's brother and, a true Scrout, he inherited
+all his good qualities from my grandfather, Phelim Scrout, the
+well-known turfcutter, from whom, by the way, I inherit most of
+mine--but of these it does not become me to speak.
+
+'Many people, jealous perhaps of his great fame, have ridiculed my
+uncle's claim to be a member of this ancient family, but to set this
+matter for ever at rest, I have here copied a few notes from the
+Scroutean genealogical tree, preserved in the archives of the family.'
+Ptolemy Jenkinson here took from his pocket and handed to Bill a sheet
+of paper upon which the following notes were written in a clear bold
+hand:--
+
+  MISTS OF THE PAST
+
+                       PHELIM SCROUT = MOLLY?
+         (The well-known turfcutter) |
+                                     |
+                ----------------------------------
+                |                                |
+           TOD SCROUT = MANDY M'GUIRE          PEARL (died of
+                      |                        megrims at an
+                      |                          early age)
+                      |
+   ------------------------------------------------------
+   |        |         |           |            |        |
+  LU    EBENEZER    MANDY    CASSANDRA =      WAT      LIL
+                            TOM JENKINSON
+                                  |
+                               PTOLEMY
+
+When these had been examined by the company, Ptolemy resumed his tale:--
+
+'Uncle Eb, as I very soon learned to call him, was ever the victim of
+his own generous heart. Continually adopting people, both old and young,
+he was doomed to be taken advantage of by those to whom he was most
+kind. How well can I remember, amongst many another ungrateful adopted
+son, uncle, aunt or cousin, young Sigurd, the birthday-monger, who
+entered the family about the same time as myself. It was he who secretly
+wrote his name on each page of Uncle Eb's birthday-book and received a
+present every day from the absent-minded old gentleman until he was
+discovered writing his name twice on some pages and was straightway
+disadopted.
+
+[Illustration: FAR SOONER HAVE THE MUMPS]
+
+'Not alone to his own family circle was the doctor's kindness
+confined; it extended to all with whom he came in contact. Before
+sending in his bills he always provided his patients with enough money
+to pay them, and promptly returned the cash with the receipts, deducting
+only one penny for the stamp in each case.
+
+'Invariably most sympathetic with his suffering patients, he spent many
+years of his noble life in studying how to make his medicines as
+pleasant and sweet to the taste as the most delightful confections ever
+placed upon the Lord Mayor's table, while his greatest endeavour was
+always to make a period of sickness one also of pleasurable relaxation
+for his patients.
+
+'In time the children went mad with excitement, and jumped for very joy
+on learning that they had contracted measles, and would far sooner, any
+day, have the mumps than a birthday every week. And oh! what thrills of
+joy would pass through their little frames on learning that they would
+have to lie up for a bilious attack and be attended by the good-natured
+Doctor Ebenezer Scrout, and treated with his delicious jalaps and
+powders.
+
+'Unfortunately, however, so pleasant was the treatment, that the
+children in time were even tempted to make themselves ill on purpose, by
+eating as many jam puffs as they could buy with their Saturday monies,
+and soon nearly every child was down with a bad bilious attack, and all
+the schools had to be closed.
+
+'Even the grown-ups began to indulge in these jam puffs, buying them in
+large quantities and falling ill one by one, much preferring to be
+tucked up snugly in bed with a comfortable bilious attack and the
+good-natured doctor in attendance, to ordinary good health and hard
+work, with the many disappointments and trials of everyday life.
+
+'First the Lord Mayor was taken bad--then the leader of the town band
+and all his bandsmen. Now the shopmen began to feel queer, and one by
+one the aldermen toddled to their beds. In time everybody was laid up,
+and no one was left to do the work of the town. All the shops, theatres,
+markets, and railway stations were closed, and the streets quite
+deserted except for the doctor and the puff baker, each trying to undo
+the work of the other.
+
+'Hardly a sound could be heard in the streets except perhaps the clink
+of a spoon against a bottle from a room above, as some patient prepared
+his evening dose, or the shuffling footsteps of the old doctor as he
+went his daily round, and sometimes the loud rat-tat of the puff baker
+would awaken the echoes of the lonely streets as he called from door to
+door for orders in the morning.
+
+'Strange grasses and sweet-scented wild flowers began to grow in the
+streets, and mushrooms and straggling carrots forced a way between the
+crevices of the pavements. Sprays of wild spinach hung from the
+lamp-posts, and the market-place became one waving jungle of broccoli.
+The very sparrows, deprived of their daily crumbs, grew thin and nervy
+with the green diet they were compelled to subsist upon. Croaking and
+griding, instead of chirruping musically to their young as is their
+wont, they so affected the good-hearted doctor that he could never pass
+them without some cheering word, and never could he withstand the
+beseeching look in their eyes. Within doors the prospect was hardly more
+encouraging. Strong vegetable-marrows twined their branches and their
+many tendrils round the table legs and the chairs; great turnips
+stoutened and burst upon the stairs; spring onions bristled in the
+corners of the Lord Mayor's dining-hall, while his grand piano was
+completely hidden in the gorgeous festoons of mint that, unchecked, had
+run a ragged riot about the place.
+
+[Illustration: THE PUFF BAKER]
+
+'At last, after two months of sickness, and despite every attention and
+kindness on the part of the doctor, the patients began to weary of being
+ill and kept to their beds for so long. The Lord Mayor was the first to
+arise and, although very weak in the legs, he managed to crawl to the
+top of the stairs, and looking down, beheld, to his dismay, the dreadful
+state of ruin in which everything was involved. He called for his
+servants as loudly as his weakness would allow him, and, obtaining no
+reply, he scrambled down the stairs on his hands and knees, and
+clamoured shrilly for a cut from the joint. As, of course, there was no
+one to procure this for him nor, indeed, any joint from which to
+procure a cut, he boiled himself an egg, and was able to survey the
+scene more calmly.
+
+[Illustration: TREATED WITH DELICIOUS JALAPS]
+
+'Presently the aldermen crawled down one by one, then the shopmen, then
+the bandsmen, and, finally, the rest of the inhabitants, disturbed by
+the weeping and yells of those already arisen, struggled downstairs, and
+in agony beheld the general devastation.
+
+'Resolved not to touch another drop of the doctor's medicine, they
+satisfied the cravings of their hunger, which now began to be felt, on
+the wild marrows, turnips, and mushrooms that everywhere abounded, and
+by degrees regained a little of their former vigour.
+
+[Illustration: The Lord Mayor held a long council]
+
+'The Lord Mayor and aldermen, already feeling a little more comfortable,
+held a long council, at which it was decided that it would be less
+expensive to burn the old town, and to build a new one on its site, than
+to try and clear up the old one. It was also decided to arrest the
+unfortunate doctor, whom they all now joined in accusing as the cause of
+their trouble, and bring him to trial.
+
+[Illustration: AS SOME PATIENT PREPARED HIS DOSE]
+
+'In the course of time the town was rebuilt, and the doctor was the
+first prisoner to stand on his trial at the new Town Hall.
+
+'On the appointed day the Hall was crammed to its utmost, as at one time
+the prisoner had been much loved and looked up to by his
+fellow-townsmen.
+
+'When the Lord Mayor arrived in state, between two Admirals of the
+Fleet, and took his seat, the foreman of the jury awakened his
+brother-jurors, who had been dozing off, and called for three cheers for
+the Lord Mayor, in which everybody joined. The Lord Mayor made no reply,
+except to frown severely at the foreman, and proceeded at once with the
+business in hand. "Lock all the doors and bring in the prisoner," cried
+he in a loud voice, after clearing his throat. The doors were instantly
+locked, but some confusion arose when it was discovered that they could
+not bring in the prisoner unless one were unlocked again. On this being
+very politely pointed out to the Lord Mayor (who did not seem quite to
+like being corrected), he altered his order, and cried out: "Bring in
+the prisoner, and lock all the doors." Immediately the band struck up
+the most martial music and the prisoner was brought in, tied tightly
+with twine, sealed with red sealing-wax, and guarded by a squad of
+infantry, who at once formed fours, and marked time for the rest of the
+afternoon.
+
+'When the music had ceased, and the general excitement caused by the
+entrance of the prisoner had subsided, the Lord Mayor politely requested
+him to take a seat, which he very gladly did, on being untied by the
+policeman.
+
+'Now, as every one knew that the doctor had really been the cause of all
+the trouble, the only point to be decided at the trial was whether he
+had done it intentionally or not, and the Lord Mayor addressed him
+accordingly, asking him if he had anything to say upon the subject. The
+doctor happened to be thinking of something else at the moment and,
+moreover, had his head turned in another direction, watching a fly on
+the window of the hall, so that he did not hear the question. The Lord
+Mayor waited about a quarter of an hour for an answer, and receiving
+none, he called, in an annoyed tone, for the witnesses for the
+prosecution.
+
+[Illustration: THE VERY SPARROWS GREW THIN]
+
+'The principal witness for the prosecution was a Sicilian char-woman,
+whose evidence was translated by one of the many aldermen present to
+assist in case of need. It appeared that in her young days she had made
+the acquaintance of a young and handsome Sicilian waiter, a distant
+cousin, and a native of the village in which she was born. So friendly
+did they become in time that he had confided to her many of the secrets
+of his life, and, amongst others, one that had weighed very heavily upon
+his mind. Some time previously, when employed at a well-known
+refreshment hall, on the coast of Lombardy, he had waited upon a
+distinguished young gentleman of considerable means, and had overheard
+him whisper to a chance acquaintance, seated at the next table, that a
+friend of his, a tall dark man, had met a young lady at a whist-party,
+whose greatest friend had an aunt, formerly engaged to a well-meaning
+curate, who averred that his brother knew for certain that IT WAS DONE
+QUITE INTENTIONALLY BY ---- Here the waiter was called away to another
+client, and did not hear the rest of the sentence.
+
+'Now the Sicilian char-woman, on hearing this from her good friend, was
+much puzzled, and not knowing to whom the words might refer, made a
+mental note of it at the time. On reading of the arrest of the doctor,
+however, and of what he was accused, she concluded that there must be
+some connection between him and the man mentioned by the brother of the
+well-meaning curate formerly engaged to the aunt of the greatest friend
+of the young lady who was met at the whist party by the tall dark friend
+of the young gentleman of considerable means who, as you know, was
+waited upon by the Sicilian waiter at the well-known refreshment hall in
+Lombardy, so she had hastened from Sicily to tell her tale. At the
+conclusion of her evidence a murmur of admiration was heard all over the
+court, and the Lord Mayor was so charmed with her and the really
+pleasant way in which she had told her tale, that he lightly threw a
+half-crown to her across the hall, which she very neatly caught. She
+then sat down, amidst the cheers of the crowd.
+
+'The principal witness for the defence was a young journeyman tailor,
+who stated that on cleaning out the pockets of an old coat which had
+been left at his house for repairs by a dark gentleman of mysterious
+appearance, he had discovered an old envelope upon which he could just
+trace the figures 56--6.30 A.M. The coat was never called for, and the
+tailor pondered over the envelope, but could make nothing of it. He
+showed it to every policeman of his acquaintance, but not one could
+unravel the mystery, and, as a last resource, he procured an
+introduction to the principal policeman in the British Museum Library.
+This great man examined the envelope very carefully, but with no result,
+and the only advice he could give him was to call at every house
+numbered 56 at 6.30 in the morning and see what would happen.
+
+'The tailor followed this advice diligently for some time and met with
+many rebuffs, as he had nothing to say on the door being opened to him.
+At length one morning he came to an empty house numbered 56, the steps
+of which were littered with straw. Gazing hopelessly at this for some
+time, he noticed that three pieces pointed distinctly in one direction
+to the corner of the street, and you may well imagine his surprise when,
+on following the direction indicated by the straw, he came across this
+postcard.'
+
+Ptolemy Jenkinson here handed this torn postcard to the company.
+
+[Illustration: POSTCARD]
+
+Ptolemy again proceeded with his story:--
+
+'Now the tailor, more puzzled than ever, took the card home, and, after
+weeks of deep thinking, decided that the card must have been completed
+thus.'
+
+Ptolemy here handed the remaining portion of card, with the tailor's
+suggested completion, to the company.
+
+'You may guess the surprise of every one present when the tailor
+produced the completed card. The Lord Mayor gazed at it in astonishment.
+He turned it over and over, and suddenly noticing that there was a
+foreign stamp on the other side, he became more excited than ever, and
+asked if he might tear it off, as his son had rather a good collection.
+This the tailor readily allowed him to do, and this put the Lord Mayor
+in a good temper for the rest of the afternoon, and gave a more cheerful
+aspect to the case altogether.
+
+[Illustration: POSTCARD]
+
+'After the tailor's evidence, which, of course, proved that the doctor
+had not intended to bring about the harm of which he had been the
+unfortunate cause, there was nothing for the Lord Mayor to do but to
+acquit the prisoner, which he did, much to everybody's relief.
+
+'The Lord Mayor then retired, after ordering a new suit of clothes from
+the journeyman tailor, and inviting the Sicilian charwoman and the other
+witnesses to progressive whist and to be introduced to his family.
+
+'So, Gentlemen,' said Ptolemy in conclusion, 'my uncle and myself are
+quite free at last, and entirely at your service.'
+
+Such a valuable offer could not very well be refused, so, after
+explaining the object of the expedition to their new friends, the whole
+force moved joyfully on.
+
+[Illustration: tailpiece]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN
+AND THE BOY SCOUT]
+
+[Illustration: headpiece]
+
+
+
+
+THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN AND THE BOY SCOUT
+
+
+In due time the gallant army arrived at the little town of Killgruel, a
+very respectable place indeed, at which they spent the pleasantest of
+week-ends, entertained at 'At Homes,' soirees, and receptions, to any
+number of which every member of the expedition was invited during their
+brief stay. Bill and the King were the guests of the very respectable
+and Right Honourable Hesketh Fitzgreynib, the Mayor of Killgruel, who
+entertained them with the extremest gentility imaginable. So respectable
+and genteel was their host, that it had been said of him that never had
+he been known to don the same suit twice, having at the very least a new
+one every day; nor had he ever been seen to remove his lavender gloves
+even at meal times. It was also reported that, not content with bowing
+most politely to every one he met in the street, he behaved in a like
+genteel manner to all the pillar-boxes and lamp-posts that he passed
+upon his way, and that he always walked sideways down the street with
+his back to the wall, in order that he should not be compelled to turn
+it upon the passers-by. Whether these reports are true or not, it is
+certain that he was the most gentlemanly gentleman in all Killgruel, a
+town which could boast more elegant and refined people than any other
+town in the whole world.
+
+He was indeed the pride of Killgruel, and so respected by his
+fellow-townsmen, who valued him greatly for his exceptional
+gentlemanliness, that he was not allowed to soil his hands by so much as
+a stroke of work, but only to be respectable from morning to night. An
+intelligent boy scout was employed to look after him, and even to think
+for him, with orders never on any account to leave him, so that in time
+this respectable gentleman became very respectable indeed, and relying
+for almost everything on the intelligence and affection of the boy
+scout, who now performed for him even his duties as Mayor of Killgruel,
+the good man was enabled to devote his whole thoughts to the
+cultivation of his respectability.
+
+His good wife, the Lady Lilian Leankettle, who was extravagantly devoted
+to her husband, shone in the same brilliant manner, and was quoted as a
+model of gentility by all the good wives of the little community, while
+Bildith, their charming and handsome daughter, gave every promise of
+inheriting their interesting ways.
+
+But delightful as all this was to the band of warriors, on Monday
+morning they were compelled to resume their journey. It was, however, so
+early when they were ready to start that the gates of the town were not
+unlocked, so the Honourable Hesketh, with whom, as Mayor of Killgruel,
+the keys were always left at night, allowed the scout to take the keys
+and let the wanderers out. After a charmingly polite farewell from the
+Right Honourable Hesketh and others of their entertainers who had
+gathered by the town hall to see them off, the gallant band marched down
+the high street towards the only gate of the town, headed by the
+intelligent boy scout. From the first the King showed symptoms of being
+rather unmanageable, and Bill had great difficulty in getting him past
+the shops, which were now all taking down their shutters, and when they
+arrived at the sweet-stuff shop there was nothing for it but to go in
+and buy him some cocoanut ice.
+
+At length they managed to get clear of the gates, which were then
+closed with a bang behind them, and the last they saw of the intelligent
+boy scout was with the great town keys held firmly between his teeth, in
+order that he might hold with one hand the top of the wall to which he
+had hastily climbed, while with the other he waved a fond good-bye to
+the departing wanderers.
+
+With a great gurgling cry, which all took to be one of grief at their
+departure, the affectionate lad suddenly disappeared and the brave
+fellows resumed their march.
+
+Their road now took them across the mountains at the foot of which
+nestled the little town of Killgruel. Towards evening the noble fellows
+were crossing the highest peaks of the range, weary, and looking forward
+to their supper and a good night's rest, both of which they proposed to
+take in the woods on the other side of the mountains. Every one now
+began to notice that the old King seemed worried about something or
+other, and the further they marched the more fidgety he became, until at
+last, when they had nearly descended to the woods on the other side, the
+old aggravator called his general to him and said:--'Bill, did you
+happen to notice in the window of the principal sweet-stuff shop in the
+Killgruel high street, three fine fat sticks of liquorice leaning
+against the bottle containing the pear drops? Well, I can't get them out
+of my mind.' Bill tried to persuade him to forget them, and talked of
+many other things, in order to distract him from such thoughts.
+Presently he appeared to grow easier, and as he did not for some time
+again refer to the liquorice sticks, Bill was pleased to think that he
+had been successful in directing the old boy's thoughts into another
+channel. However, as they were unpacking their things in the woods at
+which they had now arrived and were lighting fires, preparatory to
+cooking their suppers, the truly exasperating creature again called Bill
+to him. 'Bill,' said he, with the most miserable face in the world,
+'it's no good. I can't forget 'em, try as I will. I don't want any of
+that nasty porridge I know they are about to prepare for supper. I must
+have some of those liquorice sticks.'
+
+Hiding his annoyance as much as he could, Bill tried to convince him how
+nice porridge really is and how good for him, but the discontented old
+man, who no doubt had been very much spoilt as a boy, would hear nothing
+of it. 'I don't want to be done good to,' cried he, 'and if I don't have
+those liquorice sticks to-night before I go to bed I know I shall get
+the fidgets and not be able to sleep a wink.'
+
+Bill now pointed out the difficulty of obtaining the liquorice, the
+distance being so great that it would be impossible to have it brought
+to the camp before midnight at the very earliest.
+
+The King, however, was obdurate, and Bill was now compelled, much
+against his will, to summon the whole army together and call for a
+volunteer to fetch the liquorice, but not one, not even the pluckful
+Chad, would venture to return alone to Killgruel along the dreary
+mountain road in the gathering night. Bill then suggested that two or
+three should return together and keep each other company, but it was of
+no avail. At last, the only way out of the difficulty that occurred to
+Bill was for half the army to return for the liquorice, and the other
+half to remain in the woods; but here yet another difficulty arose, for
+no one would stay in the woods with the army weakened to that extent.
+
+[Illustration: BOWING POLITELY TO THE PILLAR BOXES]
+
+At length Bill returned to the whimpering old potentate and once more
+endeavoured to dissuade him from his selfish purpose, but the more Bill
+talked, the more obstinate the old King became, and had it not been for
+the severe training Bill had had as a minder, he must assuredly have
+lost control of his temper.
+
+[Illustration: THE CHURCH STEEPLE HAD BEEN REMOVED]
+
+'I must have that liquorice,' whined the old grizzler, 'and if there is
+no other way of obtaining it the whole army must pack up sticks and
+return to Killgruel.'
+
+Many were the growls of discontent uttered by the poor fellows when Bill
+gave the necessary orders to pack up again and prepare to return over
+the mountains. Only by dint of the kindest words did he restrain a
+mutiny, encouraging them at the same time to humour the old baby and put
+up with his strange ways until he was restored to his throne, when, no
+doubt, he would make it up to them in many ways.
+
+In a little time the brave fellows were all on the march again, but the
+day was breaking by the time they arrived once more before the walls of
+Killgruel, all utterly tired, grumpy, and footsore. Bill strode up to
+the gates of the town, which, of course, at that time of the morning
+were still closed, and pulled the bell vigorously. He waited some time,
+and as there was no reply, he pulled the bell again, and then, after
+another interval, he rang it with all his force, but with no result
+whatever. He could now, however, hear a great muttering on the other
+side of the wall and considerable running to and fro, so he determined
+to wait patiently. At length the little wicket in the gate was opened
+and one of the Killgruellers looked out, and, recognising Bill and his
+comrades, hastily shut the wicket again after promising to fetch the
+Mayor.
+
+Bill now waited a very long time before the wicket opened again, and in
+the meantime his poor comrades, nearly overcome with their fatigue and
+their hunger, had set up their camp before the walls and prepared their
+breakfast, after eating which not one of them was able to keep his eyes
+open a moment longer, and all fell fast asleep before their fires. Even
+the old King dozed off and snored peacefully in his tent, forgetting,
+for the first time in twenty-four hours, the sticks of liquorice, upon
+the enjoyment of which he had so much set his heart.
+
+[Illustration: STANDING ALONE UPON THE WALLS]
+
+Bill alone of the whole force remained awake, and waited and waited, and
+as he stood before the gates of the little town, the noise within grew
+louder and louder until there was a terrific hub-bub within the walls.
+At last the wicket opened and the face of the respectable Mayor appeared
+in the little opening, but so altered that at first Bill hardly
+recognised his good host of the day before, so upset and disturbed did
+he seem.
+
+The poor man then in the most nervous manner explained that no one in
+the town had seen anything of the boy scout nor of the town keys since
+he had let the army out of the gate the previous morning, and until they
+found them it was, of course, impossible to let any one in. However, the
+good fellow (who certainly seemed rather helpless without his faithful
+attendant), besought Bill to wait patiently, as they had not yet given
+up hope of being able to open the gate. The wicket was again hurriedly
+closed, and Bill, sitting down by the gate, prepared to wait as
+patiently as he could. So tired, however, was the noble lad, that in
+spite of all his endeavours to remain awake he soon fell fast asleep.
+Long and deeply did he slumber, when he was awakened by a most terrible
+and deafening noise within the town, which had been growing greater and
+greater during his repose.
+
+Fortunately all in the camp, on account of their great fatigue, were so
+deep in sleep that the great uproar was unable to awaken them, but Bill
+at once stood up and scaled the walls to ascertain if possible the cause
+of the awful din.
+
+The hub-bub was truly deafening, and from his position on the walls Bill
+could see all over the little town, which was in a shocking state of
+confusion. The contents of every house were turned into the streets,
+and the distracted inhabitants everywhere hunting amongst the furniture
+and taking it to pieces in their search for the lost keys. Beds were cut
+open and discharged their feathers in great clouds that floated about
+the town; the church steeple had been removed and shaken, and the inside
+well scoured; many of the good people were descending chimneys attached
+to lines; pavements were lifted, cellars ransacked, the Town Hall taken
+to little pieces, old houses pulled down, pillar-boxes cleared out, and
+lamp-posts blown through by the perplexed and almost frantic
+Killgruellers in their efforts to find the lost keys. All the milk, the
+wine, the water, the lemonade and the gravy were being strained through
+butterfly nets or lawn tennis rackets, and, after melting it down, all
+the butter, dripping and lard was treated in the same way. The treacle
+tanks and great reservoirs of linseed tea were thoroughly dragged, but
+with no result whatever.
+
+A great procession of the townsmen nearly filled the high street which
+led from the gate to the further end of the town. One by one they
+approached the gates and tried every key they possessed. All kinds of
+keys, latch keys, watch keys, cupboard keys, box keys were tried, but
+not one could be found that would open the lock. To make matters even
+more unbearable, the respectable Mayor, to whom, of course, every one
+looked for direction and advice in their trouble, was of no earthly use
+whatever without his scout, upon whom he had so accustomed himself to
+rely, that he was perfectly helpless without him. His respectability,
+exert it as much as he would, made no difference of any kind upon the
+situation, except, perhaps, to place the poor man in everybody's way.
+
+[Illustration: DANGLING BY HIS LEGS]
+
+Bill returned to the King who, with the whole camp, was now wide awake,
+and wondering what on earth was taking place in the town. Bill at once
+hastened to explain the state of things, in the hope that the old man
+would at last give up all idea of the liquorice; but in this he was
+much mistaken, for, instead of replying to Bill, the grumpy old provoker
+turned sulky and would not say a word, so that there was nothing for the
+poor lad to do but to wait with what patience he could assume.
+
+The day declined, with no lessening of the terrific din within the town,
+and the gates remained obstinately closed. As evening approached, little
+clouds of smoke, with now and again a spurt of flame, could be seen
+rising from the other side of the walls. Presently a single Killgrueller
+was observed upon the walls, from which he nimbly leapt to the ground on
+the outer side, and made off round the base of the mountains, in an
+opposite direction to the camp. Now another appeared and disappeared in
+the same way; then another and another, and yet another, and then
+families of two, three, and four. At last whole crowds came scrambling
+over the walls, and vanished in the same direction, all carrying as many
+of their belongings as they could conveniently bring along with them.
+
+This went on until all the inhabitants, with the exception of the Mayor,
+had left the now blazing town, when he was seen standing alone upon the
+walls. Like the captain of a sinking ship, the noble fellow had waited
+until all had found safety before he sought it for himself. Bill
+hastened to assist him in his descent, and no sooner had the poor man
+reached the ground than Bill led him gently before the King and all the
+officers of the little army, who were assembled together watching
+the flames, and besought him to give them some explanation of these
+truly unaccountable proceedings of the Killgruellers.
+
+[Illustration: The Respectable Gentleman]
+
+'Alas! and alack-a-day!' sighed the unfortunate gentleman, 'allow me
+first of all to put four questions to you. Firstly, What is the good of
+a locked lock without a key?'
+
+They were all forced to admit that it was of no use whatever.
+
+'Secondly, What is the good of a gate with a useless lock that won't
+unlock?'
+
+No earthly use, all again admitted.
+
+'Thirdly, What is the use of a town if you can't get into it?'
+
+Of course, they all agreed there was only one answer to that.
+
+'And now, fourthly and lastly,' said the Mayor, 'What do you do with all
+useless things?'
+
+'Destroy them,' Bill promptly rejoined.
+
+'Exactly,' said the Right Honourable Hesketh, 'and that is what we have
+done with our now useless town, and all the inhabitants are hastening to
+build another town on the further side of the mountain, the gates of
+which shall always be nailed open in order that such a dreadful calamity
+may not occur again.'
+
+Bill somehow could not help thinking that there might have been another
+way out of the difficulty, but he did not like to say so. The old King
+at last realised that the Killgruel liquorice was not for him, so he
+offered no serious objections when Bill, early next morning, gave the
+necessary orders to pack up and prepare for the march, which they now
+resumed. The respectable gentleman preferred to remain with them rather
+than again face the unfortunate Killgruellers.
+
+They had not advanced very far upon their road, when Bill, who generally
+walked a little in advance of his troop, heard a strange clanking noise
+that appeared to proceed from a tall tree at the wayside. Wondering what
+odd bird possessed such an unmusical song, he allowed his gaze to wander
+thoughtfully among the leaves when, suddenly, what should he behold but
+the form of the vanished scout, dangling by his legs from a branch, and
+every time the tree was gently stirred by the breeze, there came forth
+upon the air this weird sound.
+
+Bill hastened to cut him down, but, to his unspeakable surprise, the
+unhappy young stripling cried, 'Don't, don't! the keys! the keys!' He
+then explained that when bidding farewell to them the other morning from
+the walls of Killgruel, in his excitement he had suddenly fallen back
+and swallowed the keys which, at the time, he had been holding between
+his teeth. Bill now recalled the strange cry that the poor lad had
+uttered as they left Killgruel on that occasion. However, in spite of
+his reluctance to be right side up again until he had recovered the
+keys, Bill insisted on fetching him down, and, in the severe struggle
+that ensued, the keys fell out of the boy's throat.
+
+When at length the army came upon the scene, nothing could exceed the
+joy of the respectable Mayor at beholding his good attendant, whom he
+had despaired of ever seeing again. He easily persuaded the willing
+young creature to remain with him, and share the fortunes of the King of
+Troy, and thus, with this very welcome addition to their forces, the
+gallant band marched on.
+
+[Illustration: tailpiece]
+
+[Illustration: vignette]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN]
+
+[Illustration: headpiece]
+
+
+
+
+THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN
+
+
+Some weeks after leaving Killgruel, the noble little band entered a
+great forest, in the middle of which they overtook a stately char-woman;
+and no sooner did the Doctor behold her than he left the ranks, and
+going up to her, shook her kindly by the hand. He then introduced her to
+the King as the Sicilian Char-woman, and very chatty and pleasant she
+proved to be, and as she was travelling in the same direction, she
+graciously entertained them with the story of her life:--
+
+'You may indeed find it more than difficult to believe me when I aver
+that I am the daughter of an Arabian Prince, and that in my early years
+I was considered not merely the most intelligent, but also the most
+beautiful and fascinating creature in my father's dominion. As
+companions in my early childhood I had sixteen elder sisters, all of
+whom were blessed with singularly affectionate natures, and were
+generally declared to be only less beautiful and intelligent than
+myself. No care or expense was spared in our education and in fitting us
+for the truly exalted position it was hoped that we should occupy, as
+the daughters of a distinguished Arabian Prince. With this good end in
+view, the services were secured of the best of music-masters,
+dancing-masters, and instructors in the many graceful accomplishments
+that were becoming to our rank; yet, alas! with all that one could
+reasonably ask for, with every whim and wish gratified almost before it
+was expressed, with the most indulgent of parents, whose sole joy was to
+fill our lives with happiness, a settled melancholy by degrees possessed
+my soul and rendered me unfit to share the youthful pleasures of my
+sisters. It was not that I was in any way unmindful of all the kindness
+shown to me in countless ways, but that a craving, always with me since
+my earliest days, to see the wonderful world I had so often heard
+described in glowing terms, grew with me as time went by, and, weary of
+the idle life I led, I longed to use and develop in wider fields the
+great intelligence I had been gifted with.
+
+'At first, as was to be expected, my parents would not hear of my
+leaving them, but seeing that I grew sadder and more discontented day by
+day, they at length reluctantly gave their consent, for, after all, what
+greater wish had they than for my happiness.
+
+'After many consultations with the wisest men in my father's court, it
+was decided that I should take a course of instruction at the Royal
+Charing College of Sicily, and, on the fateful day, I took leave of my
+sorrowing parents and sisters, and, in charge of the Grand Vizier, left
+for Sicily.
+
+'With such good introductions as my father was easily able to command, I
+had no difficulty in gaining an entry to the College, in which I very
+soon learnt to distinguish myself. No lack of enthusiasm and industry
+did I bring to my tasks, and a native ability far above the average soon
+found opportunities for development, so that in the course of time I was
+discharged, a fully certified and perfected char-woman.
+
+'Since those early days my skill, my virtues, and my affections have
+been devoted to the welfare of many families, some of whom were
+undoubtedly good, some indifferent, while some again were undoubtedly
+bad. But without any question the worst household of all was that of the
+Pettigrew Leanmuffins, when first I devoted myself to the wellbeing of
+its members. Afterwards, however, as you shall hear, their trials,
+together with my disinterested conduct, wrought a reformation in their
+natures as astounding as it was welcome to all who knew them.
+
+'Mr. Pettigrew Leanmuffins himself, a man of some attainments, though
+ill-tempered and close to a degree bordering on meanness, had little
+enough to do with me, hardly ever, indeed, disguising his efforts to
+ignore my very existence; but no words at my command could describe the
+ungenerous nature of Mrs. Leanmuffins, who not only refused to concede
+any little favours to me, such as gracefully offering to entertain my
+worthy friend the waiter and his respectable family, but even denied,
+with much asperity, my right to enjoy an afternoon nap on the
+drawing-room lounge.
+
+'Of no value, in her prejudiced eyes, were the hardly-earned diplomas
+that had been awarded me during my five years' course at the College,
+and though richly illuminated with gold, amethysts and pearls, and
+framed in gorgeously brocaded velvet, she would not hear of my
+certificates for charing being displayed on the walls of the music-room
+beside her daughters' certificates for musical proficiency. With such
+poor examples as their parents constantly before them, it is not to be
+wondered at that the three daughters, Grillette, Pandalaura, and Blen
+should discover to one, who would have been their good friend, natures
+so mean that there seemed little promise of their ever possessing more
+generous dispositions. Rather, the wonder is that they were not really
+worse than they were, and beyond the chance of any reformation.
+
+[Illustration: I TOOK LEAVE OF MY SORROWING FATHER]
+
+'Each valued her own paltry and merely ornamental accomplishments at a
+far higher rate than my own well proved and certified skill in the
+serious art of charing, and in their own rude way they never missed an
+opportunity of reminding me of their fancied superiority.
+
+'During these early years of trial no other consolation had I than the
+society of the youngest of the Leanmuffin brood--Basil Herbert, one who
+as yet had not developed the mean disposition of his parents and
+sisters. For hours together, when the other Leanmuffins were away at
+some jaunt or frolic mayhap, would I, perhaps smarting under some recent
+indignity, pour forth my troubles into his not unwilling ears. Though
+but two years of age at the most, he seemed to understand, and I felt
+that in his own quiet way he gave me his sympathy. I therefore resolved
+in my young heart that he, at least, should not be spoilt, and to save
+him from falling to the depths of the other Leanmuffins was now my one
+hope in life.
+
+[Illustration: HARDLY DISGUISING HIS EFFORTS TO IGNORE ME]
+
+'How often would I, in dumb show, act kind deeds before him in little
+scenes and plays that I had composed for the purpose, using the kitchen
+utensils to personify my various characters, thus accustoming his
+growing mind to kind thoughts, until in time he gave promise of becoming
+as virtuous as he was handsome.
+
+'He endeared himself to all by his amiable ways, though none suspected
+to whose loving and untiring care they were due, and friends, nay, even
+strangers from distant lands travelled to see him, and marvelled at his
+decorous and kindly behaviour, which charmed as well as astonished all
+beholders.
+
+'His virtues, however, strong as they were, did not render him immune to
+the weaknesses to which young children are liable, and in his fifth year
+he developed a chilblain of the most painful description. Every remedy
+was tried, dried turnip seed, applications of roasted capers, poultices
+of wild figs and nard, fomentations of honey and turbot's roe, and many
+other recipes for the curing of chilblains, recommended by anxious
+friends. Nevertheless the blain grew chillier and chillier until at last
+they were compelled to send for a physician.
+
+'The physician, after spending a whole afternoon examining the foot,
+eventually took the most serious view of the case imaginable, and
+hastily wrote out the following prescription, promising to call again in
+a few days:--
+
+[Illustration: Basil Herbert develops a chilblain]
+
+  1 Pint New Gruel.
+  1 gr. Tincture of Green Acorns.
+  1/2 gr. Hypo.
+  1/16 gr. Castor Sugar.
+  3 Clove Kernels.
+  1/2 lb. Coffee Essence.
+  3/4 lb. Sugar of Zinc.
+  2 gr. Bisulphite of Lead.
+  1 Pint Spirits of Sulphur.
+  5 gr. Bicarbonate of Saltpetre.
+  1 oz. Table Salt.
+
+'Three drops to be mixed in a quart of lukewarm water and gently rubbed
+into the roots of the blain every five minutes, day and night, until its
+disappearance, which, if all went well, should take place in about six
+months' time.
+
+'I was sent out at once, without a "please" or "will you kindly" of
+course, to the nearest chemist to have the prescription made up. But,
+alas! he was unable to do it, as he had only three of the necessary
+ingredients in stock,--the bicarbonate of saltpetre, the table salt, and
+the hypo. I now went in turn to every chemist in the town, only to find
+that not one of them could supply me with _all_ the necessary
+ingredients. One perhaps had the tincture of green acorns and the hypo,
+while another had all but the coffee essence and the clove kernels. Some
+again only had the spirits of sulphur and the sugar of zinc, and so on.
+Now, in my despair, I resolved to buy each separate ingredient at a
+different store and mix the prescription myself, but, alas! I was no
+nearer obtaining it, as no one could supply me with the clove kernels.
+Determined to succeed, I visited in succession every town in Sicily, but
+not a single clove kernel could I find from one end of the island to the
+other.
+
+'As I stood on the sea-shore at the edge of the island wondering what
+next I should do to complete the prescription, my thoughts flew across
+the sea to my home in Arabia, and I decided to return there at once in
+the hope of learning from my parents where I should be most likely to
+find the kernels.
+
+'With the other ingredients securely sewn into the lining of my skirt, I
+embarked for Arabia, and in due course arrived at my father's palace.
+
+'When my good parents recognised me, which they did only after some
+minutes of close scrutiny, for it was at least twenty-five years since I
+had left home, they extended to me the kindliest welcome, and by their
+affectionate conduct dispelled any restraint I might have felt after so
+long an absence. In the meanwhile each of my sixteen sisters had married
+a Sultan or Prince at the very least, and they were now reigning in
+truly regal splendour in different parts of the world, and my parents,
+being alone in their old age, begged of me to come and live with them
+and gladden their declining years. This, however, I soon convinced them
+I could not do, and besought their help and advice in my quest. The
+Prince, my father, manifested the greatest desire to assist me, and took
+a fatherly interest in my fortunes. He caused the palace to be ransacked
+from top to bottom, but with no success,--there was not a single clove
+kernel to be found in the place.
+
+[Illustration: THEY WERE COMPELLED TO SEND FOR A PHYSICIAN]
+
+'After an affectionate parting with my father and mother, I visited
+every one of my married sisters in turn, each of whom introduced me to
+her husband and friends with considerable pride, for you must know that
+already my fame as a char-woman of great ability had reached even to the
+most distant parts. One and all were equally felicitous in their
+expressions of delight at seeing me, and equally pressing in their
+invitations to me to take up my abode with them. Yet none were able to
+help me in the quest I had so much at heart.
+
+'At last I returned to Sicily without the clove kernels, and, too
+ashamed to appear before the Leanmuffins without the completed
+prescription, I wandered about the island in despair, resting at night
+in the caves of the mountains, satisfying the cravings of my hunger on
+the hard dry leaves of the cactus.
+
+'I now bethought me of my good friend the waiter and the willingness he
+had consistently evinced to help me when in trouble, and once more I
+embarked, this time for the shores of Lombardy, at which place I knew he
+had a comfortable situation. With very little difficulty I found the
+refreshment establishment at which he worked, and, as I anticipated, he
+was extremely pleased to meet me again, and manifested the liveliest joy
+at the prospect of being of some help to me. Together we studied the
+menu of the day very thoroughly, but could find no mention whatever of
+clove kernels, and then, idly looking through some menus of recent date,
+handsomely bound together for future reference, we discovered that clove
+kernels had been served as recently as the day before. It would be
+useless to attempt to describe the despair that took possession of me
+when I discovered that I had only missed them by one day. The waiter
+excitedly rushed down to the kitchen to see if any had been left over,
+but, alas! there was not a single clove kernel to be found in the larder
+or anywhere else. On leaving the refreshment rooms I shed the bitterest
+tears that had ever fallen from my usually joyful eyes, and on the rocks
+by the sea gave way to a mood of the greatest despondency.
+
+'More ashamed than ever to return to the Leanmuffins, I made several
+inquiries for any one requiring the services of an amicable, virtuous,
+and, at the same time, experienced char-woman, determined to find work
+in Lombardy if any were to be had.
+
+'Not receiving satisfactory replies to my inquiries, my good waiter,
+true to his kind nature, introduced me to one of his most regular
+customers, the Marquis of Lombardy, who had been looking out for some
+years for a capable char-woman to superintend the management of his
+domestic affairs. Meeting with the approval of the Marquis, I thus
+secured a comfortable home, and resolved to forget that I had ever lived
+in Sicily.
+
+'Now it happened that the Marquis, being a regular diner at the
+restaurant, had partaken of clove kernels on the last occasion they were
+served, and three or four must have fallen from his spoon into his
+waistcoat pocket at the time, for I overheard his valet repeat to the
+housemaid that he had found them therein when brushing his master's
+clothes, and that he had presented them to one of the boatmen's
+children. Learning the name of the child, not a moment did I lose in
+hunting for him high and low, and eventually discovered him playing idly
+on the sands with what, I was convinced, were the kernels I so much
+coveted. At last, thought I, they are within my reach, and running
+joyfully up to the light-hearted lad discovered, alas! that he was only
+playing with brass buttons.
+
+'After the first shock of my new disappointment had passed away, I
+questioned the lad as to how he had disposed of the clove kernels, and
+he told me that his father, who considered them excellent bait, had
+taken them from him and given him three brass buttons in exchange.
+
+'On asking him where his father was at the present moment, he pointed
+with his sunburnt hand to the horizon, and looking in the direction
+indicated, I perceived a little fishing-smack, miles away. Without the
+loss of a single second, I hired a boat, and, with a boatman to assist,
+rowed in pursuit, and after a chase of three or four hours drew up, in
+an exhausted condition, alongside the smack. I now in piteous tones
+begged the clove kernels of the weather-beaten mariner, but he only
+laughed loudly and bitterly in reply, and, on my inquiring the reason of
+his cruel mirth, told me in faltering accents that he had only just
+hauled in his lines to discover that the fish had gone off with the bait
+and hook as well. Thus doomed to disappointment, I spent the rest of the
+day in a state of mind bordering on madness.
+
+[Illustration: THE IMPROVEMENT WAS MAINTAINED]
+
+'It was a little time after this that, one evening, I was sitting over
+the kitchen fire. The cook had just served up an excellent dish of fish,
+and my mind was still turning to Sicily in spite of my endeavours to
+forget that there was such a place, and wondering if ever I should see
+Basil Herbert again. Suddenly there was a most terrible disturbance
+overhead in the dining-room, a noise as of plates being thrown from one
+end of the room to the other, and presently wild shrieks and groans of
+pain. I ran lightly upstairs, always ready to be of use in emergencies
+of any kind, and opened the dining-room door just in time to see the
+Marquis raving most pitifully. It transpired that the very identical
+fish that had swallowed the hook and the clove kernels had been caught
+and served up to the Marquis's table, and he, poor man, had just
+swallowed the hook. Taking in the situation at a glance, I soon saw the
+probability that the three clove kernels, or one or two of them, were in
+the body of the fish, and walking boldly into the room I grasped the
+fish by the tail, and took to my heels.
+
+[Illustration: DISCOVERED A CLOVE KERNEL]
+
+'For miles I ran, out of the town and into the country without stopping,
+until, quite exhausted and out of breath, I sat down beneath a rock to
+rest. I now examined the fish which I still held in my hand, and found
+only two of the kernels in its body, the Marquis having probably
+swallowed the third.
+
+'However, although not the complete number required by the prescription,
+they were better than no clove kernels at all, so after resting awhile I
+resolved to return once more to Sicily.
+
+'After some vicissitudes I arrived at last at the home of the
+Leanmuffins to find them all in despair. Basil Herbert's condition had
+not improved, and the physician had ceased his visits and gone in search
+of me. I soon mixed the stuff, which brought some little relief to the
+unhappy young patient--but not enough, as the lotion was not
+sufficiently strong without the third clove kernel.
+
+'We persevered, however, and the improvement was just maintained. At
+last one evening when all the members of the family were gathered round
+the sufferer's bed endeavouring to distract him by every manner of
+entertainment conceivable and by cheerful songs, glees, and the telling
+of interesting stories, there came a low knock at the door and somebody
+inquiring for me. Who should it be but my faithful friend the waiter,
+who, on sweeping the floor of the Lombardic refreshment room, had
+discovered a little clove kernel in the corner, and, mad with delight at
+being able to assist me, had hastened from Lombardy to bring me the
+treasure. Small though it was, it was enough to give the requisite
+strength to the lotion, and in due course the young patient completely
+recovered.
+
+'After their severe trials the Leanmuffins were completely transformed;
+from being ignoble, mean, and unkind, they became generous in the
+extreme. Their joy knew no bounds, and henceforth they made me quite one
+of their family, and my friend the waiter and his good people were asked
+to dine with us every Sunday that they were in Sicily.
+
+[Illustration: vignette]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE INTERVAL]
+
+[Illustration: headpiece]
+
+
+
+
+'THE INTERVAL'
+
+
+When the Sicilian Char-woman had finished the narration of her truly
+wonderful experiences, and while the army were yet applauding her, the
+King stepped down from his chair, and taking the good woman by the hand,
+explained to her the object of their great expedition. 'And now,' said
+the astute old monarch in conclusion, 'powerful as we undoubtedly are,
+and as you can see for yourself that we are, we have yet one weakness,
+and that weakness is, that we cannot boast of a single char-woman of any
+description within our ranks. It has occurred to us, in listening to
+your story, that if you are able, as I have no doubt you will be, to
+obtain a good character from your last place, that we shall be delighted
+to engage you as an assistant to the amiable Boadicea in her attendance
+upon my person.'
+
+'Fiddlesticks,' snapped the abrupt woman, 'look after your person
+indeed! Look after it yourself,' and the strange creature walked off.
+Unwilling to lose such a treasure, the King called after her, and
+explained that if he had offended her it was quite unintentionally, and
+offered her any post she would like to fill, of course providing that it
+had not already been filled, in his army.
+
+'Now you are talking reasonably,' replied the quickly mollified
+creature. 'Well, as you are so very kind, I don't mind being the
+flag-bearer.'
+
+'But I am really afraid we have no flag,' objected the King.
+
+'Oh, we'll soon settle that little difficulty,' replied the woman. And
+she at once removed her apron and snatching from the astonished Scout
+the staff he usually carried with him, she tied the apron thereto by its
+two strings and waved it proudly in the air three or four times, at each
+time jumping as high as she could.
+
+Every one cheered in their delight at the readiness of the good woman,
+and congratulated each other cordially on this interesting addition to
+their forces.
+
+The King now stood up in his chair, and after quieting the general
+excitement by ringing his bell, he thus addressed his troops:--
+
+'My dear old boys and girls, although, no doubt, I appear to you a very
+fine man indeed, with a good appetite and fairly well covered for my
+time of life, I am not quite the man I should be. You must know that in
+my early babyhood I was a victim to the wicked carelessness of the royal
+cook. One morning this thoughtless creature left an unboiled parsnip on
+the garden path (had it been boiled and soft, my fate had been different
+perhaps) while chatting with a friend at the tradesmen's entrance. As
+ill luck would have it, I was at the time playing on the palace roof, to
+which I had climbed through the nursery chimney, and, childlike, was
+gazing curiously at a strange bird flying overhead, when I overbalanced
+and fell from the roof right on to the parsnip on the garden path,
+which, as you will guess, hurt me very severely indeed.'
+
+The King here exhibited to his audience a dent on his head in the form
+of a parsnip.
+
+'On hearing of this my father, of course, was highly indignant, and
+ordered the cook to be beheaded instantly, or, at all events, as soon as
+she had finished cooking the dinner.
+
+'The dinner, however, was so excellent that my father, in his enjoyment
+of it, forgot all about my mishap, and the cook went unpunished.
+Nevertheless the shock to my system was so great that, feeling it even
+to this day, as I have said, I am not the man I should be. A trifle
+irritable now and again; or more sulky and disagreeable than I care to
+admit; or at times even harsh, morose, surly, snappish, rattish, and
+short-tempered, all little failings you have no doubt noticed, and which
+now, knowing my early misfortune, you will more readily excuse.
+
+[Illustration: I FELL ON TO THE PARSNIP]
+
+'Well,' continued the King, 'you will at least understand that a little
+rest is good for me now and again, so that, as we have already travelled
+half the distance to my kingdom, I intend to give you all a whole
+holiday to-morrow, and on the day following, which happens to be my
+birthday, I will celebrate the great occasion with a grand review, after
+which we shall once more resume our long journey.'
+
+This welcome announcement was received with the greatest enthusiasm by
+the brave fellows, and loud cheers echoed again and again through the
+forest, and a great feast was at once prepared.
+
+[Illustration: THEY ALL ONCE MORE STARTED]
+
+[Illustration: ON THEIR ADVENTUROUS JOURNEY]
+
+Seated in a circle on the grass beneath the trees, the good souls
+enjoyed to the full the simple fare before them, and then, after once
+more cheering the old monarch, retired to their tents to sleep, and to
+dream of the morrow in store for them.
+
+Next morning, with the exception of the old King, who intended to rest
+and remain in bed all day, every one was up betimes. After a hearty
+meal, Bill explained to them all the dangers of the great forest, and
+the necessity of returning to camp at dusk. Then, taking care not to
+disturb the King, they all left the camp, different parties taking
+different directions, seeking amusement wherever they could find it.
+
+Bill took care of his charges, who had the greatest sport in the
+world,--tree-climbing, nutting, chasing butterflies, fishing in the
+pools, playing at Wild Indians, Hunt-the-Stag, Robbers and Thieves, Poor
+Jenny is a-weeping, Red Rover, and every really sensible game that there
+is to play, while Boadicea spent the time very happily in making
+beautiful bunches of wild flowers.
+
+Chad, however, was a bit of a nuisance, crying all the morning because
+he was not allowed to eat toadstools; so to keep him out of mischief,
+Bill tied him to the highest branch of a very tall tree, and there left
+him to have his cry out.
+
+The Long Man took Ptolemy Jenkinson in hand, and taught him how to
+bird-nest, at the same time adding to his own valuable collection of
+eggs. The Ancient Mariner made a swing for the Absent-minded Indian, and
+wondered, while he was swinging him to and fro, whether he enjoyed it or
+not, for the thoughtful creature's face still gave no sign at all of
+what was taking place in his mind, supposing he had one. The Doctor
+spent the day upside down, with his feet supported against the trunk of
+a tree and his nose on the ground, while he studied the habits of the
+stag-beetle. The Boy Scout practised scouting by continually losing his
+patron and then finding him again, while the Respectable Gentleman
+himself kept his respectability in hand by behaving most politely to all
+the trees of the forest,--raising his hat to the silver-birches, leaving
+his card on the ash-trees, introducing a hornbeam to a blackthorn,
+apologising to the thistles for treading on their lower leaves,
+and, in fact, behaving like the perfect gentleman he was, and having a
+really enjoyable day.
+
+[Illustration: And left him to have his cry out]
+
+The Triplets played hide-and-seek, and the Sicilian Char-woman set to
+and dusted and scrubbed down a good number of the forest trees, and
+spent the rest of the day in endeavouring to clear up the last year's
+leaves that everywhere littered the grass.
+
+It was quite late in the evening when all returned to camp, quite tired
+out, and after supper each crept quietly to bed without awakening the
+King, and soon the whole camp was fast asleep.
+
+[Illustration: THE WHOLE CAMP WAS FAST ASLEEP]
+
+In the morning every one awoke in the best of spirits, and brimful of
+the many things they had to tell of the happy time they had spent the
+day before. The old monarch seemed much refreshed for his long rest, and
+before sitting down to breakfast every one in turn went up to him and
+shook the happy old boy by the hand, wishing him many happy returns,
+after which they all sat down and enjoyed a substantial breakfast.
+Before the repast was quite finished, and while the King was looking the
+other way, Bill walked round the ring formed by the army as they sat
+upon the grass, and collected birthday presents for the old monarch.
+Every one was delighted to give something to His Majesty to show how
+much they appreciated his greatness, and when the old chap received the
+many gifts, all done up in one brown paper parcel, he was so overcome
+that he could hardly stammer forth his thanks. And this is what he
+found in the parcel when, with trembling hands, he had succeeded in
+opening it:--
+
+  From Bill,                       A bone-handled, two-bladed
+                                     pocket-knife, a little rusted,
+                                     but with only one blade
+                                     missing.
+  From Noah,                       Some string.
+  From Ratchett,                   8 brace buttons (very bright).
+  From the Twins {Quentin,         Wooden top of peg-top.
+                 {Hannibal,        Iron peg of same.
+  From Randall,                    Ferrule of umbrella.
+  From Nero,                       More string.
+  From Biddulph,                   Dial of old watch (not cracked
+                                     very much).
+  From Knut,                       Glass marble (beautifully
+                                     coloured).
+  From Chad,                       2 pear drops (old, but in good
+                                     condition).
+  From the other children
+    collectively,                  Twenty last year's horse
+                                     chestnuts on string (very
+                                     hard).
+  From the Ancient Mariner,        Piece of wood skilfully cut
+                                     into the form of a pebble.
+  From the Absent-Minded
+    Indian,                        Nothing.
+  From the Triplets,               3 bunches of violets.
+  From the Respectable Gentleman,  His visiting-card.
+  From the Boy Scout,              One of the Killgruel town-keys
+                                     he had swallowed.
+  From the Sicilian Char-woman,    Small piece of soap.
+  From the Long Man,               Wren's egg.
+  From Boadicea,                   A hat full of ripe blackberries.
+  From the Doctor,                 Half of cough lozenge.
+  From Ptolemy Jenkinson,          A last year's ticket for a box.
+
+Every one clamoured for a speech, but the old fellow was so affected by
+all this unexpected kindness, that he would not trust himself to open
+his mouth, so with tears of gratitude pouring from his eyes, he retired
+to his chair. These interesting proceedings thus coming to an end, he
+was wheeled into the forest by Boadicea until they came to the open
+space where the review was to take place.
+
+Having dried his eyes and smartened himself up, with Boadicea standing
+sedately at his side holding the presents, the King now solemnly awaited
+the appearance of the troops. Soon there was a great noise in the
+direction of the camp, and then they could be heard approaching.
+
+First came the nine brave sons of Crispin and Chloe, proudly marching
+three by three, and as they passed the King each gallantly saluted him.
+Now followed the stately Char-woman with the flag held aloft, and when
+she came opposite His Majesty she jumped magnificently three times into
+the air. She was followed by more of Bill's charges, and then, with
+great dignity, Bill, the King's general, marched past the Royal Old Boy
+and saluted him grandly.
+
+Another detachment of Bill's charges followed the general, then the
+Ancient Mariner approached, and, after placing the Absent-minded Indian
+on the ground, he, with much dignity, saluted the King by touching his
+forelock, sailor fashion, and after a few steps of the hornpipe, once
+more resumed his burden and moved on. The Ancient Mariner was followed
+by the Long Man who winked knowingly at the King as he passed by.
+Ptolemy Jenkinson came next, then the Doctor, who, not knowing quite
+what was expected of him, proceeded to feel the King's pulse, but was
+quickly hustled off by the Scout, who now approached.
+
+The Respectable Gentleman followed the Boy Scout, and raised his hat in
+a very gentlemanly manner to the King as he passed him and politely
+handed him one of his cards, upon which he had scribbled a few good
+wishes to the old monarch.
+
+Now, one by one, the Triplets passed in front of the delighted King,
+before whom each of the sweet creatures performed the most graceful
+curtsy, and the procession then terminated with another detachment of
+Bill's charges.
+
+The King was more than satisfied, and they all once more started on
+their adventurous journey.
+
+[Illustration: tailpiece]
+
+[Illustration: vignette]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE REAL SOLDIER]
+
+[Illustration: headpiece]
+
+
+
+
+THE REAL SOLDIER
+
+
+After travelling some days, they came across a real soldier seated at
+the side of the road, and Bill at once persuaded the King to invite so
+valuable a man to join their expedition. The King therefore left his
+chariot and approached him, and asked the noble-looking fellow if he
+would care to make one of their party, and, if so, whether he had a good
+character from his last general, and the old warrior replied:--
+
+'Allow me, my good sirs, to recite to you one of my most noteworthy
+achievements, one of which, peradventure, you may not have read in the
+numerous books filled with accounts of my exploits. I shall thus remove
+any trace of doubt that may linger in your minds as to my great courage
+and astute generalship.'
+
+All expressing their eagerness to hear the story, the wordful old
+warrior proceeded:--
+
+'As near as I can remember, it was in the early fifties when, a mere
+drummer-boy, with the bloom of early boyhood still gracing my brave
+young cheek, I marched with the gallant 53rd or, as you may possibly
+know them, the King's Own Royal Roebucks, to the relief of the Isle of
+Wight. This island, at the time I mention, was blockaded by that
+notorious filibuster, Reginald Bendbrisket, a rogue who, possessed of
+the greatest audacity and cunning, had earned for himself an unenviable
+reputation, from Margate to Samoa, by the terrible extent of his
+depredations.
+
+'You will all doubtless remember how, disappointed in his endeavours to
+usurp the throne of Pitcairn Island, he had impudently resolved to make
+a sudden raid upon the Isle of Wight; and thus to feed his own
+insatiable greed and, at the same time, appease the disappointed rage of
+his desperate followers, he would have plunged the peaceful little
+island into abject misery. What tempted him thereto none can guess with
+any certainty, unless indeed it were the many false reports, spread
+abroad by the unscrupulous, of the gold, silver, and diamonds to be
+found there; of the extensive quarries, rich in the finest hearthstone;
+and of the natural paraffin springs, that could provide the world with
+the purest oil; and many other reports, alike false and discreditable to
+their inventor and to those who repeated them to the credulous stranger.
+
+'Had the rogue been successful in his latest raid, his small band of
+followers (mayhap increased to a powerful army by the hordes of
+discontented periwinkle-gatherers, prawners, and lobster-potterers that
+earn a scanty living on our shores) would, without doubt, have had at
+their mercy the Isle of Sheppey and the numerous other Islets that
+ornament our coasts. And then, from these a sudden and successful
+descent on Ludgate Hill would have rendered him master of the whole of
+London. Now I am going to tell you how the courage and forethought of a
+simple drummer-boy frustrated all his schemes, and brought to his knees
+one of the most unscrupulous enemies that has ever invaded our shores.
+
+'To come back to the beginning of my story, we had a comfortable journey
+down, the tedium of which had been greatly relieved by delightful
+conversation and intellectual chatting, each in his turn considerably
+astounding the others by the amount of intelligence he displayed. These
+pursuits were again varied by interesting recitations, and such
+parlour-games as could be conveniently played in a railway carriage. We
+arrived in the afternoon at a snug little hamlet on the coast opposite
+the island, whence we embarked in a fleet of disused barges and
+dredgers. We reached our destination, after a fairly calm voyage,
+without having excited the curiosity of the invaders, only one of whose
+vessels we passed, and all on board it were so engrossed with the
+captain, who was violently sea-sick, that we passed unobserved.
+
+'We were 2,352 strong, including the gallant 53rd, of which I was a
+member, a battery of artillery, a camel corps, two squadrons of the
+smartest cavalry that ever chased a rabbit across the Hackney Marshes,
+and a battalion of infantry, so well trained that there was not one of
+the rank and file who could not play quite delightfully on the piano;
+while the officers were unexcelled at conjuring tricks, with which they
+used to amuse the soldiers seated round the camp-fires of an evening. We
+were ably generalled by that best of all officers, Sir Francis Melville
+Glowmutton, whose fame in after years very nearly earned for him the
+honour of being mentioned in a popular Encyclopaedia.
+
+'We were met on the beach by a procession of the inhabitants, headed by
+the president of the island, all of whom were delighted to see us, and
+extended to us the most hospitable of welcomes. Without waiting for
+formal introductions, they fraternised in the most friendly spirit with
+the troops who, in turn, were charmed with their reception and, being
+quite beyond themselves with gratification, adorned their conversation
+with the most graceful compliments to the inhabitants and grateful
+tributes to their kindness.
+
+'The blockade had lasted barely eight weeks, so that, as yet, the
+inhabitants of the island were not aware of it, and when they learnt
+from the soldiers the real state of affairs, they rejoiced beyond
+measure, and redoubled their congratulations to the army and to each
+other, and the president seized the very first opportunity publicly to
+thank the general for his thoughtfulness in coming to relieve them.
+
+'For quite a long time the handshaking went on, and every one was so
+amiably excited that the president, anxious that so much good feeling
+should not be thrown away, invited every one to spend the evening with
+him at his presidency on the Needles.
+
+'And such a bright and happy evening it was too! Every one in the best
+of spirits, and entering blithely into all the games! "Oranges and
+Lemons," "Nuts and May," and "Poor Jenny is a-weeping," had never,
+within the memory of any one present, been played with greater zest,
+and, what was more wonderful, never had the rather trying game of "Hunt
+the Slipper" provoked less ill-temper since it was first introduced into
+this country at the Norman Conquest.
+
+[Illustration: THE REAL SOLDIER]
+
+'The joy of the frolicsome ones was only equalled by that of the older
+inhabitants and the elderly officers, who, seated on chairs placed for
+them round the wails of the hall, fairly shook with laughter and
+merriment, until the tears rolled down their handsome old cheeks.
+
+'At last, with flushed and happy faces, all sat down to a splendid cold
+supper provided by the President, but it was some little time before the
+feast could proceed, as every one was so well-behaved that there was
+quite a turmoil of passing things to one another. At last, however,
+every one was served, and the supper proceeded with the greatest mirth
+on all sides.
+
+'After a while the president stood up to make a speech, and had only got
+as far as, "Ladies and Gentlemen, it is not that we----" when, to
+everybody's consternation, there was a loud knock at the door and,
+without waiting to be asked, in stalked the notorious Reginald himself.
+
+'Having approached the table, he slowly withdrew his gaze from the
+refreshments (to which it had wandered on his entry), and, drawing
+himself to his greatest height, demanded of the president the instant
+surrender of the island to him as his rightful property, averring that
+it had been left to him by an aunt, whose favourite he had been. Then,
+putting his hand to his bosom, he drew thence an old roll of parchment
+which, indeed, proved to be the Will of one Martha Grub. This he handed
+to the president, who read aloud therefrom the following clause, which
+had been underlined:--
+
+    'And I do bequeath unto my good sister's son, the shapely Reginald
+    Bendbrisket, inasmuch as he has shown some kindness unto my black
+    cat, now dead alas! twenty jars of the good plum preserve I did make
+    last fall as well as five yards of the good garden hose wherewith I
+    did heretowhile water my cabbages in the droughty seasons, the rest
+    to be cut up and divided equally amongst my other nephews and nieces
+    to be used by them as they may see fit whatsoever.
+
+    'At their demise the said pieces shall be delivered up to the said
+    Reginald, who will once more unite the fragments and pass the
+    completed hose on to his heirs for ever.
+
+    'For his goodness in undertaking thus to carry out my wishes I do
+    also bequeath unto the before-mentioned Reginald the Island of Wight
+    situate at the south coast of England.
+
+'On reading this the president turned very pale and every one trembled,
+never having dreamt of the strength of the invader's position. But being
+a bit of a lawyer, the president very soon rallied and replied to the
+filibuster, in as courtly a manner as he could assume, that he was bound
+to admit that his aunt Martha had, without doubt, left the island to
+him, and that he would be the last man to dispute the fact--here the
+rogue, vainly imagining that he was about to realise his greatest hopes,
+could not conceal his satisfaction, and helped himself to a
+sandwich--"But hold!" cried the president in a terrible voice, "I do
+dispute that it was hers to leave."
+
+[Illustration: 'BUT HOLD!' CRIED THE PRESIDENT]
+
+[Illustration: Reginald completely lost his temper]
+
+'At this the irascible Reginald completely lost his temper and hurled
+the sandwich with such fury to the ground that it broke one of the
+gorgeous tiles that ornamented the floor. "Have you," said he, "the
+audacity to doubt the word of my aunt Martha? Have you the face to stand
+there and dispute the will of that excellent woman, written when dying
+of a broken heart at the death of her black cat, and whose only solace
+was the company of her dutiful nephew? Then your fate be upon your
+own head." And he strode out of the hall gnashing and grinding his teeth
+in the most terrible manner, only stopping to pick up the sandwich which
+he had thrown down in his outburst of passion.
+
+[Illustration: 'YOUR FATE BE UPON YOUR OWN HEAD']
+
+'When the door had slammed to with terrific force behind him there was a
+great silence in the hall, and we all looked at one another with scared
+faces. Soon every one arose from the table, and silently left the
+banqueting-hall to prepare for the fight which we now knew would come on
+the morrow.
+
+'Try as I would, I could not sleep for thinking of the battle in store
+for us. I counted more sheep than would have fed our army for six
+months, but with no result. I then tried elephants, and after that
+camels and zebras, and finally, hoping that their odd shapes might bring
+me repose, I tried ant bears, but all in vain. At last, in despair, I
+rose from my hard couch, donned my uniform, and snatching up a cracknel,
+strode out of my tent.
+
+'Murmuring "Brittle Pantechnicons" (which, by the way, was our password)
+to the sentry, I strolled idly down to the sea. It was a beautiful and
+perfectly still night, with not a ripple to disturb the surface of the
+sea, upon which, here and there, would glow a little shimmer of light as
+the phosphorescent turbot rose to its prey. In the distance, and away to
+the right, could be seen the camp-fires of the enemy, and the
+reflections in the pools left by the tide. Ever and anon sounds of
+merriment could be heard as the invaders, heedless of the morrow, spent
+the night in revelry. To the left, and further back, could be seen the
+tents of our forces, not a sound arising therefrom except the low
+monotonous breathing of the soldiers (who were so well drilled that even
+in their sleep they breathed in time), or maybe the "Who goes there?" of
+the sentry would sound in the darkness, as he mistook a moth for a spy,
+or the drone of the beach bee for the war-whoop of the enemy.
+
+'At the water's edge, dark against the starry sky, I found a solitary
+bathing-machine, beneath which I crept, and here at length my weariness
+quite overcame me and I slept. How long I remained thus I cannot tell,
+but I was awakened by heavy footsteps on the floor of the machine over
+my head. My curiosity was intense, but resisting the temptation to rush
+out and satisfy it, I wisely resolved to remain in my present position
+as long as possible.
+
+[Illustration: FLOUNDERING ABOUT IN THE SEA]
+
+'Presently the mysterious tenant of the machine opened its seaward door
+and stood revealed in the light of the moon, which had arisen during my
+sleep, as the terrible Reginald Bendbrisket himself, clothed in a deep
+black bathing-suit. I crouched down, not daring to move a muscle, and
+was presently relieved to see him, after standing for some time on the
+steps of the machine, amble carefully over the stones to the edge of the
+sea, into which he plunged.
+
+'Now it was that an idea suddenly occurred to me, and I instantly crept
+from my place of concealment, and stealing up to the landward door of
+the machine nailed it fast with the hammer and nails I always carried
+with me to mend my drum, which was not infrequently broken beneath my
+enthusiastic blows. Having secured the front door, I now crept in at
+the back and, doffing my own clothes, soon donned those of the
+unconscious filibuster, who was still floundering about in the sea.
+Having effected this change, I crept back to my former position under
+the machine, and had barely made myself comfortable there when I saw the
+rogue returning.
+
+'After scrambling painfully over the stony beach he mounted the steps
+and entered the machine, and the slam of the door as it closed upon him
+was the signal for me to rush out and secure this as I had already
+secured the front door. Having done this, I waited no longer, but made
+off with all possible speed in the direction of the enemy's camp, which
+I had nearly reached, when I heard a most terrible banging from the
+interior of the now distant bathing-machine. Losing no time, I entered
+the camp, and, being easily mistaken for their captain, passed on
+unchallenged.
+
+'Arriving in time at the centre of the camp, I found all the men
+gathered together, having forsaken their revels, evidently in
+expectation of the return of their leader.
+
+[Illustration: IN EXPECTATION OF THEIR LEADER]
+
+'Standing before the villainous crew, I assumed, as nearly as I could,
+the mien and rough harsh voice of their filibustering captain, and
+ordered them to embark at once and to leave the island, as it had been
+reinforced during the night by such a mass of thundering artillery as
+would be impossible to withstand, and that they were even now fast
+approaching along the beach from the other end of the island where they
+had landed. The men, on hearing this appeared quite incredulous and
+their growls of disbelief grew louder and louder and threatened a
+terrible mutiny. Having at length gained a hearing, I invited them all
+to that part of the camp by which I had entered, to hear for themselves
+the approach of the distant hosts. Leading them all, still grumbling and
+growling, a little way beyond the camp, I commanded them all to be
+absolutely quiet, and then, in the silence which ensued, could be heard
+far away in the direction of the bathing-machine a most terrific and
+continuous banging, together with the sound of muffled shouting.
+
+'The men were aghast, and in the moonlight their swarthy faces could be
+seen to change to a ghastly white. Then, with an unearthly yell, they
+all turned and fled in a wild panic to the boats. They tumbled over and
+over each other in their anxiety to get away, and many got wet to the
+skin in their endeavour to reach the boats. At last, to my great joy, I
+saw the last of them pull off and reach the ships, which now put on all
+sail and vanished away for ever.
+
+'I now returned to the bathing-machine, from which still came a terrible
+din, though not quite so violent as it had been at first.
+
+'Taking hold of the rope that was fastened to it, I began to drag the
+machine in the direction of our camp, the banging meanwhile gradually
+subsiding, until at last only an occasional bang proclaimed the machine
+to be inhabited. As before, I passed the sentry by murmuring "Brittle
+Pantechnicons" and drew the machine up in front of the General's tent.
+
+'The General, having finished an early breakfast, was just setting out
+to take a stroll before settling down to plan out the battle, and seeing
+me, whom he at first took to be Reginald Bendbrisket, the good man
+received quite a severe shock. However, I soon undeceived him, and after
+relating my adventures I unfastened the door of the bathing-machine,
+and disclosed therein the form of the filibuster on bended knees,
+imploring our mercy.
+
+'Every one was delighted at such a speedy end to the campaign, for my
+part in which I was duly honoured. Reginald Bendbrisket, after a mild
+punishment, reformed and became a very respectable gentleman, the
+president kindly using his influence to secure for him a lucrative
+position in a well-known Insurance Office.
+
+'And thus, my good Sirs, it is, that the Isle of Wight still remains one
+of our many valued possessions.'
+
+'The very man for me,' thought the King of Troy, when he had finished
+his story, and before proceeding with their journey, he promoted the
+martial creature to the high position of second General-in-chief of the
+army.
+
+[Illustration: tailpiece]
+
+[Illustration: vignette]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE WILD MAN]
+
+[Illustration: headpiece]
+
+
+
+
+THE WILD MAN
+
+
+One day the army were overtaken by a singularly wild-looking man who
+proved, however, to be at the same time quite an amiable creature, and
+expressed a great desire to seek some employment with the gallant
+fellows. The King was pleased to enlist the nice and sociable person,
+and was more than repaid for his confidence in him by his charming ways.
+On one occasion, when the King was rather tired and worried, the Wild
+Man, in order to distract the dear old fellow, told the following
+story:--
+
+'Good Sirs, though wild enough indeed, yet may I claim to be an unspoilt
+child of nature, whose finest instincts have, unchecked, found their
+true development. Thus, communing with nature from my cradle and living
+on terms of the closest intimacy with her wildest creatures, I can
+appreciate their humble wants, their hopes and fears, and have acquired
+the truly marvellous power of conversing with these simple-minded
+denizens of the wilderness.
+
+'My home was a rocky cave hard by the sea-shore, in which I lived in
+simple happiness with my good wife, now dead, alas! this many a long
+year ago, and our five brown children, who long since have grown to men
+and gone out into the world to seek their fortunes. Harmless indeed were
+our joys, and our trials we bore with that great fortitude which was not
+the least of the blessings we derived from our simple mode of life.
+
+'To proceed with my tale, on one dismal evening late in autumn, I left
+my cave, with the hungry cries of my children still in my ears,--for,
+indeed, the poor things had had no sup or bite the whole day through.
+Wondering what I could do that they might not go supperless to bed, I
+strolled along the sands by the sea in the hope of finding some odd
+limpet or whelk which, together with a few dried dandelion leaves, might
+make a simple stew. Alas! no vestige of a single crustacean could I
+find, so I sat me down upon the sands, determined not to return until
+the children had fallen asleep on the dry ferns and grass heaped up for
+them at the back of the cave, as their cries were more torment to me
+than my own emptiness.
+
+'The sun had long ago set, and the autumnal twilight, reflected in the
+pools of still water left by the far receded tide, was gradually fading
+from the sky, when I fancied I could hear a low heart-rending moan from
+off the desolate waste of sand before me. Again and again it sounded,
+and at last realising that it might be uttered by some creature in
+distress, I stood up and, as far as the fading light would permit,
+scanned the sands in every direction.
+
+'Nothing, however, could I see, and as the moan still continued at
+intervals and became, in fact, more and more painful and beseeching, I
+wandered about, a prey to the liveliest anxiety, endeavouring to
+discover whence it proceeded.
+
+'At length I perceived on the sand, at a little distance before me, a
+small dark motionless object, and at that instant a harrowing sound,
+arising therefrom on the evening air, left me in no doubt as to the
+origin of the moans I had already heard. Creeping as quietly as possible
+on my hands and knees quite close to it, I found it to be a lovely blue
+point oyster, and bringing my head to a level with the shell, I asked
+coaxingly, and in as soft a voice as I could command, what ailed it.
+
+[Illustration: Harmless indeed were our joys]
+
+'"Alas!" said the oyster, "a little while ago I possessed a child as
+sweet as ever chortled to its gasping mother, but snatched from me
+as it has been by the cruellest of whelks, it may even now lie helpless
+in the grasp of the ravenous brute, as it ruthlessly sups off its
+delicate limbs. No such grief have I had since that old native, my
+worthy husband, was slain, and was laid in state, his hoary head
+supported by a slice of lemon, beside a piece of brown bread-and-butter."
+
+[Illustration: I PLEADED MY CASE]
+
+'Deeply affected by her grief, I begged her to reveal the name of the
+little one and to indicate the direction taken by the marauding whelk.
+"Bertram is its name," said the widowed blue point, and I could hear
+the tears falling within the shell as, with her beard, she pointed out
+the path followed by the rogue.
+
+'I had not proceeded far in the direction indicated when I overtook a
+whelk, whose face was quite distorted by a savage look, and whose growls
+drowned the feeble cries of a tender blue pointlet whom he dragged along
+by the beard.
+
+'"Now what is all this about?" said I to the sullen fellow. "Why should
+you, who are maybe blessed with young of your own, rob a poor widowed
+oyster of her only consolation since the death of her husband? A heart
+of rock would have melted at the cries of your victim, but you,
+ungenerous, can have no heart at all, and entirely drag the name of
+whelk through the mud." I could distinctly hear the ruffian lashing his
+tail within his shell as he replied: "It's all very well for you, old
+boy, but all that kind of nonsense you're talking don't come in here. If
+it were a question of saving your own life I'll bet you wouldn't give
+much ear to the whimperings of a sentimental blue point. Know then, old
+stick, that it isn't for the love of children that I am dragging this
+little brat along, but he's just going to be the supper of an old crab,
+who caught me this afternoon and only let me go on the condition that I
+found him something a little more toothsome and tender than I am."
+
+'The cries of the infant were cruel to hear when it learnt the fate in
+store for it, and filled my heart with pity for the frail youngster.
+"Now come," said I to the whelk, "just wait a little while and consider,
+would it not always be a sad thing for you to reflect upon that you had
+been the cause of this frail young thing's death?" "Gammon!" answered
+the leather-hearted whelk, and proceeded on its journey. "Stay yet
+awhile," cried I, "and I will run and talk it over with the crab and see
+if his hard shell may hide a kinder heart than yours." "Well, look
+alive, old sentiments," replied the whelk; "it's a bit chilly waiting
+about out of the water when the tide's low. You'll see the old rascal
+over there by the sea."
+
+'I hastened with what speed I might in the direction pointed out by the
+whelk, and presently came upon the old crab. Before I had time to greet
+him he accosted me with "Well, old kneebones, what's the trouble?" "No
+trouble of mine I do assure you," I replied as I seated myself by his
+side, taking care at the same time to keep well out of reach of his two
+pincer claws, that wobbled about wickedly in my direction; thus in some
+trepidation I continued the conversation. "The trouble is that of an
+innocent blue pointlet, now alas! in the toils of a perfect bully of a
+whelk, a worthless rough who is thus victimising the innocent to save
+himself from ending his paltry existence in your inside. Now my good
+fellow, I am perfectly certain that you are not going to allow this,
+indeed you are not the sort to sacrifice another's life to satisfy your
+own greed. Let me press you, just for once, to go supperless to bed, and
+thus assuage the anguish of a most affectionate mother."
+
+'Much to my mortification and surprise, my conciliatory speech was met
+by roars of laughter from the flippant old crab. Peal upon peal
+disturbed the still evening air, and when the last clash of the hideous
+uproar had died away among the distant hills, the unfeeling brute, now
+in a state of collapse from loss of breath, gasped out:--"What, me give
+up the only chance of saving myself from that scoundrel of a lobster who
+only let me go on my promising to secure him something for supper a
+little less hard than myself! Well," continued the crab, "that's a good
+'un, that is. My good chap you must be quite out of your senses. Why,
+not only will I hand over the baby oyster to the lobster, but I intend
+also to have my supper off that tough old idiot of a whelk, who reckons
+he's going to get off scot-free, and old mother blue point, too, if I
+can find her," and then, as an afterthought, "and you, old marrow-bones,
+wouldn't make half a bad tit-bit if I could get hold of you," and he
+made a horrid dash at me as he spoke. However, I easily evaded him, and
+from a safer distance argued the matter out with him in the following
+way:--
+
+'"Allow me, my dear crustacean, to put the matter to you in this light.
+Now, first of all, clear your mind of all unnecessary bias. Suppose,"
+said I, "that you were to change places with the young oyster, suppose,
+we'll say, that you had the near prospect of being devoured by the
+greedy lobster. How would you feel, I say, if your neighbour not only
+refused to exert himself in any way to extricate you from your
+predicament, but also gloried in being the main cause of the disaster
+that threatened you?"
+
+[Illustration: AND KILLED IT ON THE SPOT]
+
+'The wily scoundrel merely replied, "Ask me another," and with his left
+eye-stalk bent towards the ground, insolently winked at me with the
+other. Despairing of penetrating his tough shell with kindly
+suggestions, I temporised with him, and succeeded in persuading him to
+desist from his evil intentions until I had talked it over with the
+lobster. Out of sheer perversity the crab directed me wrongly, but in
+good time, after some wandering here and there, I discovered the
+lobster.
+
+'I pleaded my case to him as eloquently as I had already done to the
+others,--nay, even more eloquently, being, no doubt, a little more used
+to it by now, but yet with no apparent good result. The wary creature
+pretended ignorance. "To which crab do you refer?" said he, in a
+questioning tone; "I have so much business with crustaceans in one way
+and another that you would be surprised to learn how confused I become
+in my dealings with them." To the best of my ability I described the
+appearance of the old crab, and aided my description with a slight
+sketch on the sand made with the point of my umbrella. He gazed at this
+with much interest and murmured to himself "considerable artistic
+talent," and then aloud, "Oh yes, yes, I remember him quite well;
+indeed, he was here only recently about a little matter of supper. Well,
+well, I'm afraid I cannot be of any help to you here. You see, it's like
+this. Earlier in the day, I came to a little arrangement (quite a little
+business affair, by the way) with an old lady conger eel I have known
+for many years, and it happened in this way. We were having a little
+dispute as to who should sup off the other, and without going into
+details, the upshot of it all was that the eel managed to tie herself in
+a knot round my throat, and so, you see, was mistress of the situation.
+I need not tell you that I did not lose my presence of mind--indeed, I
+never do--and I politely asked her if she had ever tasted crab, and
+effectually persuaded her that they were much better eating than
+lobster, and undertook to procure her a beauty (thinking all the time,
+of course, of our mutual friend), on the understanding that I should go
+quite free. It's very sad and all that sort of thing, no doubt, about
+the little oyster--sweet little chuck--indeed, I am more sorry than I
+appear to be about it, but really what can one do?" And the lobster
+shrugged his bristling shoulders. "Speaking to you," he continued, "as
+one man of the world to another, business is business after all, you
+know. And if we don't fulfil our obligations, where do we stand? Of
+course, I don't say but what a little chat with the conger might make it
+all right, and there's no harm in trying--she's a nice eel. I feel sure
+you would like her, at least I felt I should, when I invited her to be
+my supper--and if nothing comes of the meeting, well, we shall none of
+us be any worse off than we are at the present moment. If at any other
+time I can be of use to you, I do hope that you will not hesitate to
+come round and ask. Good day."
+
+'I now left him to search for the conger, whom I found dozing in a pool
+near the sea. I took her out and placed her gently on the sand, and she
+gradually opened her eyes and fastened them on me. I once more expounded
+the reasons why, in my opinion, this cruel arrangement should not be
+persisted in. I quite astonished myself by my own eloquence, which grew
+more impassioned as I proceeded, and noticed that the old conger seemed
+deeply impressed. As I came to the most affecting parts of my argument
+the expression in her eyes grew really tender, and at the mention of
+the little blue point a tear gathered in each eye and slowly coursed
+down her shiny form. At the conclusion of my appeal the conger drew in a
+deep breath and replied:--"Well, I never! Now that is what I really do
+call good and kind. Oh pray come and sit down beside me on the sand and
+tell me all about it--now do, and tell me what first put it into your
+head--it is so very nice to come across a little real sentiment in these
+matter-of-fact times." Without waiting for me to proceed she rattled
+on:--"Upon my word, you really must have the kindest heart in the
+world--but are you quite sure you are comfy? Why not come round the
+other side; you'll be out of the wind there, and we can talk it over
+without anything to interfere with us. I quite agree with you in
+everything you have said, and I must say that I know of nothing more
+delightful than to find one's own thoughts expressed so much more
+clearly than one could do it oneself. Do you know, I am quite delighted
+to have met you, and hope that this is the commencement of one of those
+lasting friendships...."
+
+[Illustration: WE COOKED ONE GREAT STEAK]
+
+'Thus she gabbled on, and thinking to myself, here, at last, is a
+kind-hearted soul, I asked her to promise to take the baby oyster back
+to its sorrowing mother, when she received it from the lobster. "What an
+extremely kind thought," she replied; "I assure you there is nothing in
+the whole world I would love to do so much as to take the little thing
+back to its Ma." Glancing dreamily at the sky the old eel
+continued:--"Dear little mite! I can see it even now, in my mind's eye,
+as it skips to its mother; she, dear soul, the while shedding pearls of
+delight,--a memory to carry to your grave. But I expect you must be
+going now--no doubt you are as busy as the rest of us--are they all well
+at home?--good-bye," and she prepared to return to the sea. "But, my
+dear woman," I protested, "I have not yet received your promise to see
+the little oyster home." "Now," said the eel, "pray don't spoil the
+pleasant evening we have had--but never mind--don't look so
+serious--come round some evening with the wife and children--don't say
+you won't." "But, Madam," I answered, "I am waiting for your promise to
+see the little one home." "My dear Sir," she replied at last, growing
+rather red in the face, "I can give you nothing of the kind, and must
+really refer you to the whale who captured me a little while ago, and
+only released me because I promised to procure him a lobster, which I
+persuaded him would be much more digestible and less bilious than I
+should prove to be as a meal."
+
+'I now went in search of the whale, whom I discovered disporting himself
+in the sea a very little way from the shore. Taking my shoes and
+stockings off, I waded as near to him as I dared, and to conciliate him
+right off I wore as benignant an expression as I could assume and thus
+addressed him: "Of one thing I am convinced," said I, "and it is that
+you are the last person in all the world who would willingly give pain
+to anything,--least of all to a baby oyster." "Quite so, quite so,"
+snorted the whale, "and what is more I never have and, upon my soul, I
+never _will_." "Bravo, good resolution," cried I, and then in moving
+terms I explained the situation and urged him to take the blue pointlet
+back to its mother on receiving it from the conger eel. "What is this
+you say," roared the whale; "do you mean to tell me that in exchange for
+her own fat self that villainous conger-eel now offers me a baby oyster
+instead of the promised lobster? Is it for this gross insult that I
+allowed her to resume her wretched existence? Well, I'm thundered!" and
+the enraged monster leapt seventy feet into the air. "Where is she?"
+roared he, and made off in the direction of the conger.
+
+'But the old girl was one too many for the whale this time, and having
+heard his remarks on her conduct, off she darted after the lobster,
+saying to herself that as the whole arrangement had fallen through, she
+might just as well sup off the lobster,--besides, the claws would stew
+up quite well for the children's dinner to-morrow. The lobster in his
+turn, seeing the conger approach, at once understood that the affair was
+all off and left his little cave by the back door as conger entered by
+the front, and made for the place where he knew he would find the crab,
+arguing to himself thus:--"At any rate, the crab will make an excellent
+supper to which I have every right; for after all, as I have before
+remarked, business is business, and he will certainly be unable to
+fulfil his obligations." The saucy crab, however, saw him coming along
+with his mouth wide open ready to gobble him up, and shouted tauntingly
+to him:--"Keep your bristles on, old prawn" and ran off after the whelk.
+"Nothing really matters," thought he, "and as I feel a bit peckish I may
+as well eat up friend whelk and the blue pointlet 'll come in for a
+light breakfast in the morning." The cowardly whelk, reading the crab's
+evil intention in his eyes offered him the baby oyster. "Thanks, old
+flint," said the crab, "I'll have you first and the youngster another
+time," and he pounced on the whelk and ate him right up. But as he was
+crawling off in great comfort the old lobster overtook him and in no
+time polished him off. The lobster, now too contented to move quickly,
+was slowly returning to the water when up came the conger-eel who,
+without any delay, proceeded to strangle him and then to gobble him up.
+After her feast, the old girl, in her turn, felt drowsy. "I think," said
+she, "I now deserve a nap," and she lay down in a pool and went fast
+asleep. Presently the whale came along, having been hunting for the
+conger all over the place. As soon as he caught sight of her he roared
+in his wrath, "Is this what you call keeping your bargain?" and with one
+gulp he bolted her,--head, fins, tail and all.
+
+'Then, having accomplished his revenge, and at the same time satisfied
+his appetite, his contentment was complete and he rolled over on his
+side in the shallow water, and fell into a deep sleep.
+
+'Now, thought I, is this not providential? Is there not here not merely
+the evening meal I left my cave to seek, but many meals for my good wife
+and children,--enough in fact to ward off hunger throughout the winter
+that is now fast approaching. Taking up a great rock I hurled it with
+all my force at the head of the whale and killed it on the spot. I now
+proceeded to cut up the great creature and carry it, piece by piece, to
+my cave, and that very night, when it was all safely stowed, we cooked
+one great steak for supper, waking the children in order that they might
+share the meal, and the remainder my good wife preserved in brine. Thus
+in comfort we lived the winter through.
+
+'The little oyster found its way back to its mother, and so grateful
+were they both for my endeavours to help them, that they took up their
+abode with us. Bertram grew to a fine chubby blue point. "Just like his
+father," said the proud mother, and nothing reached our hearts so nearly
+as his playful, charming ways.'
+
+[Illustration: tailpiece]
+
+[Illustration: vignette]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MUSICIAN]
+
+[Illustration: headpiece]
+
+
+
+
+THE MUSICIAN
+
+
+Sometimes now the old King showed signs of weariness, and Bill bethought
+him that a little music occasionally might soothe his nerves. So in the
+very next town they came to he engaged the only musician in the place,
+and very willing he was too to come along.
+
+He played very wonderful music on his old concertina, often assisted
+with his voice, and one evening, after a very beautiful performance, the
+talented creature related the following story to his enchanted
+hearers:--
+
+'Right glad have I been, good fellows all, to join you in this your
+noble enterprise to right our stout old brother of Troy here, and in
+good time I trust that my great deeds shall prove my sincerity. But, in
+the meantime, as supper hour draws on apace, and the frizzling cutlets
+do scent the evening air, a little story should not be amiss to distract
+your anxious minds, and thus to check the impatience of your appetite.
+
+'Know then, my jovial birds, my cunning blades, that I am the eldest son
+of that Prince of Polynesia who united the scattered kingdoms of this
+unwieldy archipelago into one vast empire, over which he ruled with
+even-handed justice and some common-sense until his death. Ah! lads, if
+all had their rights I should at the present moment be seated on the
+soft cushions of my father's throne, and maybe more able to be of help
+to you than I am now; but you must take the will for the deed.
+
+'My word! what a plump and healthy child was I, and withal as jolly and
+as hearty as the day was long. Moreover, was not I the pride of the
+empire and the envy of all the other kings and princes who had ever seen
+or heard of me? Alas! who could have foretold that I was thus early in
+life destined to have a real good taste of the troubles of this weary
+world, and, though surrounded by every care and attention and the object
+of the greatest affection that ever bubbled in the human heart, shortly
+to become the victim of the meanest spite.
+
+'But to proceed with the yarn--neither care nor expense was spared in my
+upbringing, to which possibly more thought was devoted than even to the
+education of our very well-educated and trustworthy friend, the buxom
+Sicilian char-woman. At all events, the most certificated nurses
+procurable were continually being engaged, but apparently only to be
+dismissed again, for, almost perfect as most of them were, I can assure
+you that, in the course of a very little time they were certain, of
+course, to reveal (as was only natural) some slight weakness, and I ask
+you, good comrades all, which of us is without 'em? This overcarefulness
+on the part of my good parents was to be the cause of the disaster that
+was soon entirely to change the trend of my life.
+
+'It came about in this way. One of the discharged nurses, indignant at
+what, with some show of reason, she considered an injustice to herself
+(she had been dismissed for curling my hair only a little to the right
+instead of quite to the right), resolved to revenge herself on her late
+master and mistress, in such a manner as should be most likely to leave
+them wretched for the remainder of their lives. Knowing the
+overextravagance of their affection for me, she cruelly determined to
+strike them in this, their weakest spot. One dark night, after cleverly
+evading the ever-wakeful guards, she crept into my father's palace.
+Stealing up the main staircase without attracting observation, she
+arrived at the now empty throne-room, which she stealthily traversed,
+keeping all the while close to the wall. She then passed through the
+little door at the left of the grand throne and found herself in the
+billiard-room. She had not, however, taken two steps therein when a
+fearful panic seized her, for what should she behold but the stout form
+of my rare old dad the emperor leaning over the table, apparently in the
+act of making a brilliant stroke. A few seconds' consideration, however,
+served to convince the vengeful creature that he was fast asleep.
+Gnashing her teeth at the old gentleman, she hurried across the room and
+entered the library, in which my good mother was seated, reading. But so
+absorbed was the good lady in her book that she took no notice whatever
+of the agile intruder, as she entered by one door and swiftly left by
+the other. She now successively passed through the state ball-room, the
+music-room, the third best drawing-room, the second best ball-room, and
+the state bed-room, and mounting the back stairs, came to the suite of
+rooms occupied by the nurses, and eventually reached the nurses'
+dining-hall, into which my nursery led, without having excited any one's
+observation.
+
+'Opening my door very quietly, she peeped in. All was dark inside except
+for the glimmer of a night-light which shone on the frilling of my
+cradle and on the form of the nurse then in office, who had fallen
+asleep over her supper of stewed apples. Creeping in quietly, the
+evil-minded woman lifted my sleeping form from the cradle, so gently
+that she did not awaken me, and, holding me closely to her, once more
+successfully passed through all the apartments she had already
+traversed, without arousing any suspicion, and at length found herself
+again in the open air.
+
+'Without losing a moment, she now made off to the woods, and after
+wandering in these for some time, she met an old witch with whom, no
+doubt, she had an appointment. Seated on the grass, the two women
+haggled and haggled, and at last the treacherous nurse sold me to the
+witch for three cocoanuts, and then went on her way and out of my life
+for ever.
+
+'Now it happened that the old witch lived in the hollow trunk of a tree
+with her foster son, a tiny gnome named Orpheus, as quaint a little
+object as ever I set eyes on, who played incessantly and most
+beautifully on an old concertina, the very one, in fact, which I now
+carry with me. The little fellow had been found some years before by the
+old witch wandering near the ruins of an old temple in the very middle
+of the wood. To whom he belonged, and whence he had come, no one
+knew,--not even he himself, perhaps. However, the old girl adopted him,
+and now nothing could exceed the motherly affection with which she
+regarded this dry and shrivelled-up little chap,--unless, indeed, it was
+the ardour with which the grateful gnome returned it. In fact, I learned
+some time afterwards that the old witch had purchased me solely that I
+might be a companion for this rum little person.
+
+[Illustration: SHE NOW MADE OFF TO THE WOODS]
+
+'The old girl, weird as was her general appearance, did all she could to
+make me comfortable,--in fact far more than an ordinary witch would have
+dreamt of doing,--and in recognition of her well-intentioned attitude
+towards myself, I encouraged the spark of friendliness I began to feel
+for her. But for her darling son, as soon as I grew accustomed to his
+quaint appearance, and realised his kindness of heart and friendly
+disposition towards myself, I conceived a great affection. He would
+climb to the topmost branches of our tree, to practise his exercises
+every morning, in order that I should not be worried with melancholy
+repetitions, and, when perfected in some melody, who shall describe the
+unaffected joy with which he would come down and play it for my delight?
+How often in the moonlight (I lying on the grass at his side) would he
+play over and over again to me some melancholy air, while our
+foster-mother, mayhap, would be sweeping the dead leaves from our abode,
+and preparing it for our night's repose.
+
+[Illustration: HE WOULD CLIMB TO THE TOPMOST BRANCHES]
+
+'Not I alone was gratified and enchanted by his dulcet tones, for all
+the creatures of the woodland drew near and listened as night gradually
+covered the sky, and he played through his evening pieces.
+
+[Illustration: And played it for my delight]
+
+'Elephants hovered around in the shadows of the trees, and sighed great
+slobbering sighs. Bullfinches, sparrows, eagles, flamingoes, wild geese,
+peacocks, turkeys, cranes, pelicans, and every manner of bird, thronged
+the branches of the trees, and, with their heads and beaks sunk almost
+into their feathers, opened and closed their eyes in their
+rapturous surprise. The lions and tigers sprawled about, wishing, in
+pure shame at their habitual monstrous cruelties, that they had been
+vegetarians from the very beginning: such power had the music of
+Orpheus. Even the mad-headed monkeys and apes, sitting in rows amongst
+the trees, thought, Good heavens! what fools they were! and, blushing at
+their childish tricks, wondered if it yet were possible to reform and
+take a serious view of life. The old snake, quite overcome and
+enthralled by the delicious strains, opened wide his jaws, and allowed
+the little missel-thrush to nestle therein, and, thus protected from the
+night-air, to listen to the music in comfort. However, no lasting
+reformation was ever effected in their untamed natures, for no sooner
+had the music ceased than each scurried away, once again to resume his
+depredations and savage ways.
+
+'It happened one evening that the gnome surpassed himself by his
+rendering of some enchanting melodies, and every one was quite
+enthralled and rendered almost helpless. The birds sank their heads and
+beaks lower and lower into their feathers, as the music proceeded, until
+they were no longer visible. The lions and tigers rolled on their backs
+in the grass, in an agony of despair at their own unreformable lives:
+the elephants turned quite white, and trembled so violently that they
+could hardly support their own huge bulks and leant against one another
+to prevent themselves coming down with a crash; such a great lump had
+risen in the throat of the giraffe as quite distorted his otherwise
+graceful neck; while the monkeys gibbered and blubbered tearfully to
+themselves, and the old rascal of a snake slipped right off into a
+trance.
+
+'At last the music ceased, and the little musician left me while he went
+in to hang up his musical instrument in safety. Meanwhile, in spite of
+the state to which they had been elevated, the absurd creatures had all
+scurried off, as usual, with no other thought in their savage minds than
+to get each his own supper at any cost. The old snake, however, did not
+recover as quickly as the others, and when at length he awakened from
+his trance, he could see that all the others had vanished, and that I
+was lying on the grass, quite unprotected, the gnome not having, as yet,
+returned to my side. "Ha, ha!" said he to himself, his savage nature
+having returned in all its force, "what a slice of luck! By gum! I never
+see such a beauty. Won't the youngsters be just delighted!" He rapidly
+slithered in my direction and, quickly tying the end of his long form
+securely round me, slithered away again, carrying me through the long
+grass at a bewildering speed.
+
+'After travelling in this rough fashion for some time, we at length came
+to a clearing in the heart of the wood, in which stood all that remained
+of the ancient temple, and amongst its fallen columns and walls,
+overgrown as they were with wild flowers and tall grasses, the old snake
+had made his home, where he lived in comfort with his wife and a large
+brood of pranksome snakelets.
+
+'We were greeted by the youngsters with every mark of joy and surprise.
+"How good of you, Henry," cried the mother, "and what a really fine
+specimen! Shall we have him to-night, or keep him for next Tuesday, my
+birthday you know, dear?" After a little talk it was decided that I
+should be held over until the next Tuesday, and in the meantime I was
+placed in the larder, and given plenty of odd scraps to eat, no doubt to
+keep me plump and in good condition.
+
+'Tuesday came round in due course and, in order to celebrate the day in
+a manner suitable to the greatness of the occasion, the old snake
+invited all his neighbours. When I was brought out of the larder, on a
+large dish, roars of delight rose to the sky from the throats of the
+assembled guests, all seated round on the fallen stones of the ruined
+temple.
+
+'The old lion was there, smacking his lips in anticipation of a nice
+cut, and the tiger's mouth was visibly watering at the prospect of such
+a feast: while, as for the little snakelets, they kept up quite a
+clamour in their impatience to get at me. The monkeys, of course,
+contributed their share to the general uproar, though they seemed more
+inclined to fasten their eyes on the filberts and almonds with which I
+was garnished. The eagles took the whole thing very seriously and,
+flapping their great wings, screeched to the sky in their eagerness to
+begin; and all the other guests, the giraffes, the zebras, the hippos,
+the storks, the flamingoes, the wild cats, the pelicans, the wild geese,
+the peacocks, the turkeys, and every thinkable animal contributing to
+the general noise, there was such an awful din that the snake could only
+obtain silence by using the thin end of his long body as a flail on the
+drum-like sides of the elephant. He then made a few remarks on the
+importance of the occasion, and referred to his wife in quite a graceful
+way, for a snake; and, continuing, asked one of the guests to volunteer
+to carve. The stork, having a very convenient beak for the purpose,
+stood up and offered his services, which were gratefully accepted.
+
+'I was now placed on the grass directly in front of the carver, who was
+about to skewer me with his long and sharp beak, when there came to our
+ears from far away amongst the trees that surrounded us on every side,
+the sweet harmonies of that lovely song "The Pond where Herbert
+Drownded," played with the greatest sympathy on the concertina. At once
+the stork turned its head in the direction whence the sound proceeded,
+and as it gradually drew nearer and nearer I became more and more
+convinced that such music could only be produced by my friend and
+foster-brother.
+
+'All the creatures in varying degrees were affected; the snake and his
+wife coiled themselves on the grass and gasped in rapture; the stork and
+all the birds closed their eyes, and their heads sank lower and lower
+into their fluffy bodies, until like balls of feathers they rolled over
+and lay trembling in the grass.
+
+[Illustration: SWEEPING THE DEAD LEAVES]
+
+'The lion and tiger were so overcome that they leant their old heads on
+their paws and sobbed aloud, while the monkeys grew fidgety and quite
+self-conscious at first, and then abandoned themselves to the melancholy
+aroused by the music.
+
+'The gnome, whom I afterwards learnt had been wandering about the wood
+playing mournful airs on his concertina ever since he had missed me, now
+drew near, and finishing "The Pond where Herbert Drownded" proceeded
+with "Poor Molly Dawson" and other tunes of an equally affecting
+nature. On seeing that all were sufficiently bowled over, he struck up
+with "Oh, Jack, he was a Bright Spark," and so lively and brisk was the
+measure that up they all jumped and danced and danced with the greatest
+spirit.
+
+'The strangest figure of all was cut by the old snake who pirouetted on
+the end of his tail at the greatest speed, in which weird performance he
+was soon joined by his wife. The eagle extended his wings and waltzed
+with the elephant; the lion and tiger spun round, holding each other by
+the paw, so quickly that it was almost impossible to see them; the old
+turtle rolled over on the back of its shell and span like a teetotum,
+with the silly monkeys linking hands and in one wide ring skipping
+around it; in fact, all got up and jumped and lumped and sprawled about
+in the most ridiculous fashion until they were quite out of breath.
+Nevertheless, Orpheus would not let them rest, but marched off playing
+the most exciting music, and all the infatuated creatures, quite
+forgetful of their banquet, followed him through the wood. Strange
+enough, in all conscience, was this, but how much stranger by far was it
+when the very stones of the ruin leapt up, and rolling over and over,
+also followed in this odd procession as it tramped and crashed through
+the trees.
+
+'From where I was seated on the dish I could hear the sounds of the
+music gradually fading away, as the musician led the noisy crew further
+and further off; the crash of the falling branches and the crackle of
+the breaking underwood died down in the distance and I knew that I was
+saved.
+
+[Illustration: WITH NO OTHER WEALTH THAN MY CONCERTINA]
+
+'The little gnome led the bewitched creatures such a dance through the
+wood that one by one they fell down in a state of collapse, and when the
+last was quite overcome, the faithful fellow returned to the temple and
+carried me home.
+
+'Never again did they leave me alone for a single second until I was
+able to take care of myself, and I spent the years of my boyhood in
+great happiness with these two simple and kindly souls. Brother Orpheus
+took no end of pains in teaching me to play the concertina and, eager
+to learn, I soon became proficient. But, dear lads, clever as you know
+me to be, never could I even approach the skill of my good and patient
+master.
+
+'In the course of time the old witch had to die, and the grief of her
+little foster son was so great at his loss that, try as I would, I could
+not in any way lighten it. One day soon after I missed the little man,
+and he never returned again. All that he left behind him for me to
+remember him by was his old concertina.
+
+'I waited by the tree for many a long day, still thinking that he would
+return, until I was compelled at last to abandon all hope of ever seeing
+him again. I wandered out into the world with no other wealth than my
+concertina, but how often since have I had to bless the memory of my
+little friend who thus endowed me with the means of subsistence, and, at
+the same time, with a protection against all manner of evil.'
+
+[Illustration: tailpiece]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LOST GROCER]
+
+[Illustration: headpiece]
+
+
+
+
+THE LOST GROCER
+
+
+For many and many a weary mile the persevering little band had now
+trudged on without meeting with any adventure worth relating, and every
+one was longing for the end of their travels, when one lovely evening
+they came across a good-natured-looking policeman, fast asleep on a
+stile by the roadside. The tramp, tramp of the army awakened him, and
+with a gentle smile he got off his perch and walked alongside the King.
+Charmed with his easy manner, the King jokingly asked him of what he had
+been dreaming that he smiled so pleasantly. 'Oh, of old times and old
+friends,' the policeman replied, and then as he walked along he thus
+related the strangest of experiences:--
+
+'Many years ago it was my happy lot to be the principal policeman of
+the pleasant little town of Troutpeg, situated, as you know, on the
+banks of the river Peg, just where it flows into the estuary of the
+Drip, that here broadens into that well-known land-locked harbour of the
+same name, and thus finally finds its way to the sea. Nestling amongst
+its stone-capped hills, the happy place seemed designed by a kind nature
+as a retreat for all who were blithe and amiable, and such indeed it
+proved to be, for no more kindly and genial souls than the Troutpegsters
+could be found. Their simplicity was delightful, though perhaps such as
+to incline them all the more readily to believe in the wild legends of
+the country-side. Many were the strange stories told by the shepherds,
+who tended their flocks on the hills at night, of wild rites, and
+uncouth dances performed by ghostly beings, in the light of the moon,
+amidst the ancient circles of Druid stones. Little else, however, was
+there to disturb the peaceful thoughts of the Troutpegsters.
+
+'The prosperity of the township was so great, and the comfort of each of
+its inhabitants so well assured that for many years no wickedness of any
+kind had shown its head, and the life of a policeman in this happy and
+secluded town was one long summer holiday. To be sure, a little skirmish
+here and there amongst the lads might make it wise gently to exert my
+authority, or a little quarrel amongst the girls call forth a slight
+rebuke, but otherwise my life was one of unbroken peace.
+
+'My dearest friend was the tea-grocer, a man of sad and dreamy ways and
+quite devoid of guile, who returned my affection with all the ardour of
+a singularly loving nature. He shared his every joy with me, and when
+his holidays came round no greater recreation could he find than in my
+society. Walking by my side as I strolled along my beat, he would
+confide to me his simple hopes and fears, and in his troubles seek my
+readily extended sympathy. Such simplicity and inoffensive mien had he
+as brought to him a rich harvest of respect and love, together with the
+custom of his fellow-townsmen.
+
+'In time his little store became quite an evening resort for those older
+townsmen who, no longer able to race about the green when work was done,
+would perhaps look in to purchase half a pound of coffee or tea, or
+sugar or salt for the good wife, and stay chatting with the amiable
+grocer. Then maybe one would look in to buy an ounce of tobacco, or the
+excellent snuff for which the grocer was far famed, and so on and so on
+until the shop was full. Seated around on the tea-chests, coffee bins,
+tobacco boxes and snuff tins, many a pleasant evening have we spent,
+enlivened by good-natured arguments and discussions on every conceivable
+subject.
+
+'One sultry summer's afternoon, as I was standing thinking in the
+cobbled high-street, the quiet of the still warm day disturbed only by
+the gentle breathing of the shopmen as they dozed amongst their wares,
+or the distant bleating of the sheep as they browsed in and out the
+rocks and Druid stones capping the surrounding hills, the comforting
+remembrance came to me of many a refreshing cup of tea partaken with the
+grocer in the snug little parlour behind his shop. With hardly a thought
+of what I was about, I allowed my idle steps gently to stray towards the
+homely store of my friend. Entering therein, and finding that he was
+away from home, I sat me down upon the little chair, so thoughtfully
+provided for weary customers, and with my head supported by the counter,
+resumed my broken train of thought until, completely overcome by a sense
+of drowsy comfort, I feel asleep.
+
+'I was suddenly awakened by the church clock striking eight, and found
+that all the town was wrapped in slumber and that the grocer had not yet
+returned. Wondering what on earth could keep him away so late, and
+hoping that no harm had overtaken him, I stiffly arose from my seat,
+stretched myself, and betook me to my home and bed.
+
+'On the following morning my first thought was for my friend, and on
+learning that he had not returned during the night, I called in turn on
+each of his neighbours,--the doctor, the vicar, the solicitor, the
+postman, and the corn-chandler, and many another equally interested in
+his movements. Not one, however, had seen him since the previous day,
+and all showed the liveliest concern and anxiety at his mysterious
+absence.
+
+'Night followed day, and day again followed night, with no sign of the
+vanished grocer. Weeks now passed by, and grief took possession of the
+little town at the loss of one who was missed at every turn. Hoping that
+even yet he might return, we kept his shop still open for him, and the
+little birds, encouraged by the silence, flew in and out and nested in
+the scales and amongst the stores, glutting their fluffy little bodies
+with the sugar-plums, the currants, the herbs and spices that everywhere
+abounded. And even the swallows, so much entertainment did they find
+therein, forgot, as the summer drew to its close, to fly away,
+preferring much to sleep the winter through in comfort.
+
+'But alas! months, and years and years and years rolled by, and the
+grocer never returned, and in time little enough thought was given to
+one who had, at one time, been held in such esteem by all. But we, the
+older Troutpegsters, still thought at times of our vanished friend, and
+many were the theories we suggested to account for his disappearance.
+
+'One held that he had been beguiled by gypsies, another that he had been
+stolen to be exhibited as a rare model of virtue in some distant clime,
+while others believed that the fairies, envious of our happiness in
+possessing such a friend, had taken him from our midst; but all agreed
+that we should have guarded our treasure with greater care.
+
+'One never-to-be-forgotten evening the doctor, the solicitor, the
+vicar, the corn-chandler, and myself (some of us already stricken in
+years) were seated, as was now our evening custom, upon the rustic
+bridge that carries the road across the river Peg. The fragrant smoke of
+our long pipes rising to the evening sky, our conversation, as was now
+so frequently the case, had drifted from politics, sport, fashions and
+the latest police intelligence to lovingly-recalled memories of our
+long-lost friend, and so sad did we become that lumps as large as egg
+plums rose to our throats, and our eyes brimmed over with tears.
+
+[Illustration: AFFECTED BY HIS STORY]
+
+'Drying our eyes we now smoked on in silent contemplation of the past;
+the night gradually drew down, and the first star appeared in the
+cloudless sky when there came to us the sound of a distant footstep,
+coming along the road towards the town, and presently a strange figure
+hove in sight,--an old, old man, with long tangled grey hair and shaggy
+beard, clothed in the most pitiable rags, torn, and held together with
+straw and odd pieces of string. He passed slowly across the bridge,
+leaning heavily on his staff, and limped with difficulty towards the
+town, into which with one accord we followed him.
+
+[Illustration: PLUMP INTO THE RIVER WE WENT]
+
+'Down the cobbled high street he walked until he came to the shop of the
+vanished grocer into which he turned without any hesitation. Wondering
+what business could take him there, we all hastened to the door of the
+shop, and there, with the utmost astonishment, beheld the stranger
+remove his threadbare coat, and replace it with the grocer's moth-eaten
+apron that had hung for so long from a peg on the door; then he
+commenced dusting the shop and putting it straight. As I gazed, my
+astonishment gave place to the most incredulous amazement when I
+detected in the old man a fancied likeness to the departed grocer. At
+last, after closer scrutiny, I was convinced that it was indeed no other
+than my friend actually returned after all these years, and as he at the
+same time more easily recognised me, we fell into each other's arms, and
+who shall describe the extravagance of our joy?
+
+'In a little while, when we had calmed down, we all retired to the
+little parlour behind the shop, and our good friend brewed us a cup of
+tea as of old, and after a little gentle persuasion related to us the
+following strange story of his disappearance:--
+
+'"On that memorable summer afternoon, many years ago, as I was weighing
+out the sugar into pound and half-pound packets (which, as you may
+remember, was my rule at that time of day to prepare for the evening
+trade), a strange old gentleman, clothed in the deepest black from cap
+to slippers, yet withal possessed of the most snowy ringlets and beard,
+entered my shop and begged of me some food for his family, assuring me
+that they were all slowly dying of starvation.
+
+'"Affected by his story, I was making up for him a parcel containing
+lentils, raisins, dates, figs, sugar, and other goods which I thought
+might be acceptable, when, to my astonishment, the ungrateful old rascal
+snatched up a large tin of the finest snuff, which you will remember I
+used to sell in great quantities, and bolted with it out of the shop.
+
+'"Without a moment's hesitation I divested myself of my apron, and
+donning my coat, followed him at the greatest speed. Away he ran down
+the high street towards the bridge, which he very soon crossed, and now
+along the river bends he sped, with me close at his heels. For miles we
+ran, even as far as the source of the river Peg, which we doubled and
+came tearing down the other side. I now perceived that, in spite of his
+age, he ran almost quicker than I did. Presently into the river he
+plunged, I following close, and then he retraced his steps towards its
+source. Once more plump into the river we went, and as I scrambled up
+the opposite bank I noticed to my dismay that, while I grew more tired
+and out of breath as we ran, he became brisker and fresher. Discarding
+his hat, cloak, and slippers, though still holding on to the snuff tin,
+he now appeared in robes of dazzling white, which, with his hair and
+long white beard, flowed behind him as he ran, and gradually increased
+the distance between us.
+
+[Illustration: Followed him at the greatest speed]
+
+'"Soon I could perceive that he was making for the hill above the town
+which, with no difficulty at all, he mounted long before I had reached
+its foot, and when at last I struggled to the top the old rogue was
+seated upon one of the Druid stones that here in one great circle crown
+the hill, smiling, and hugging to himself the while the tin of snuff. On
+seeing me again, he soon jumped down, and I dodged him in and out
+of the stones for at least three hours by the church clock, and then
+weary and utterly dejected I sat me down on a stone in the centre of the
+ring and wept bitterly. Directly beneath me I could see, through my
+tears, the lights of our little town shine out here and there from the
+gathering darkness, while over the hills, away to my left, the edge of
+the full red moon began to show. As higher and higher it climbed the
+sky, one by one there leapt from the earth beneath each stone an aged
+Druid all clothed in white, with long waving grey locks and beard, and
+crowned with garlands of oak leaves, holly, laurels, and mistletoe. When
+the circle of Druids was quite complete the old rascal who had lured me
+from my shop, and who now appeared to be their chief, stepped towards
+me, now far too bewildered and astounded to resist, and solemnly placed
+upon my brow a wreath of wild violets. Then separately, each of the
+Druids came forward with some offering which he placed before me,
+afterwards returning to his place in the circle, so that presently there
+grew upon the grass in front of me a great mound of vegetables, fruit,
+flowers, haunches of venison, fowls, hares, rabbits, and young lambs. At
+length, every Druid having made his offering, their chief handed round
+the tin of snuff from which each old fellow took a large pinch, and
+then, linking hands, they danced wildly round me.
+
+[Illustration: THERE GREW IN FRONT OF ME A GREAT MOUND]
+
+'"In utter silence, by the light of the moon, now high in the sky, these
+solemn rites were performed, and still without a sound they whirled
+quicker and quicker around me, their feet hardly seeming to touch the
+ground, and their long loose garments streaming after them as they flew.
+
+'"Presently the distant chime of the church clock striking twelve
+reached me from the town below and I gradually fell into a trance, as
+one by one the old Druids sank into the earth beneath the stones.
+
+'"Every day since then until to-day have I passed in complete oblivion,
+and every night have I awakened to find myself seated on the stone in
+the centre of the ring of Druids, with all the power of resistance taken
+from me, compelled to be the object of their weird rites.
+
+[Illustration: SNEEZING AND SNEEZING]
+
+'"Last night, however, just as the church clock began to strike twelve,
+such a rush of memories flooded my brain, and such a longing to see my
+old home and friends took possession of me, that a terrible rage at the
+cruel tyranny of the Druids had gathered in my bosom before the clock
+had finished striking the hour. When it was about to strike the last
+beat, I arose from my seat in the centre of the circle and approaching
+the wicked old chief, I snatched the snuff tin from his hands and
+clapped it, snuff and all, right down over his eyes. Strange to say the
+contents of the tin had not diminished by so much as a single pinch, and
+such a fit of sneezing seized the old scoundrel that he rolled on the
+grass in the greatest distress, quite unable to put the usual spell upon
+me. All the other Druids, with abject terror expressed on their faces,
+sank at once into the ground. The form of the head Druid, sneezing and
+sneezing and sneezing, gradually faded away before my eyes, and long
+after he had completely disappeared the sneezing could still be heard.
+Eventually this died away, and pulling my clothes together as best I
+could (for by now they were all in rags), I made the best of my way
+home."
+
+'Having finished his story the grocer now became very thoughtful, and we
+all sat round his little room smoking in silence until far into the
+night, wondering at the strange events he had related. Next day, and for
+a whole week, great festivities were held to celebrate his return, and
+the Mayor very willingly resigned his office in favour of one who was
+held in such esteem. Innumerable presentations were made to him and
+addresses read to him, yet, in spite of all the honours he received,
+never did he forget his old friends. Nor was he too proud to serve in
+his little shop, now enlivened by the songs of the birds he had not the
+heart to turn away. He spent the remainder of his useful life in the
+performance of kind deeds and in well-deserved happiness.'
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MERCHANT'S WIFE AND THE MERCHANT]
+
+[Illustration: headpiece]
+
+
+
+
+THE MERCHANT'S WIFE AND THE MERCHANT
+
+
+'Very, very good, indeed,' the King remarked when the policeman had
+finished his story, and he was so pleased that he gave all the
+youngsters a half-holiday, with strict injunctions to be back in time
+for tea.
+
+At tea-time they all came skipping back, bringing with them a little old
+man they had found, apparently lost, and moping about the common. He
+carried in front of him a pedlar's tray, on which were exposed for sale
+many little oddments, such as reels of cotton, needles, pins, ribbons,
+and even little toys, which he now hawked round amongst the assembled
+company. As many as were able bought some small thing or other out of
+kindness to the little merchant, and the good-natured old monarch
+invited him to tea.
+
+While they were all enjoying this meal, they were disturbed by a great
+noise, very much like the galloping of a horse, and suddenly, without
+any warning, right into their midst there leapt a very large woman, who
+immediately seized upon the little merchant, and attempted to drag him
+away. Bill at once went to the assistance of the little fellow, and
+endeavoured to pacify his assailant. At length the irate creature calmed
+down, and addressing the company in an aggrieved tone, said:--'It's all
+very well for you people to stand up for this wicked man, but not one of
+you knows the dance the little wretch has led me for the last fifteen
+years.'
+
+'Of course,' the King answered, 'it is hardly to be expected that we
+should know anything of either of you, considering that this is the very
+first time we have had the pleasure of meeting you. Perhaps you will be
+so kind as to enlighten us, and explain to us your strange conduct.'
+
+The large woman now sat down upon the grass and said:--'Well, I suppose
+I had better do so. Give me a cup of tea, and I'll let you know all
+there is to know.'
+
+A cup of tea was accordingly handed to her, from which she took a sip,
+and then proceeded thus:--
+
+'About fifteen years ago I was so unfortunate as to wed this poor
+specimen of a man you see before you, and we had not set up house
+together very long before I could see that he wanted thoroughly looking
+after, and, indeed, that he could hardly be allowed out by himself. Now
+this was very awkward, as his business required that he should be out
+all day, so I proposed to accompany him on his rounds. Holding him
+securely fastened to the end of a long cord, I never let him out of my
+sight for more than a minute at a time, and so kept him from mischief.
+After a year or so, however, this grew rather tiresome for me, as I had
+to neglect my household duties in attending upon my husband, and, in the
+end, was compelled to let him out again alone.
+
+[Illustration: Bringing with them a little old man]
+
+'But you may be sure I did not do this until I had laid down certain
+fixed rules for his behaviour, which I made him promise to obey. Amongst
+these, one was that he should start from home not a minute earlier and
+not a minute later than eight o'clock in the morning; another was, that
+if he returned either a minute earlier or a minute later than eight
+o'clock in the evening, he should go supperless to bed. And, would
+you believe me, in spite of all my care, he would sometimes return
+earlier and, as I learnt afterwards, remain outside until the clock
+struck eight, when he would creep in as though he had only just
+returned?
+
+'But my great trouble only began a few weeks ago, when, one evening,
+having cooked his nightly turnip, I waited patiently for my good man's
+return. At length the clock struck eight, and, to my surprise, it was
+not immediately followed by my husband's timid knock. One minute passed;
+two minutes passed; three minutes passed; four minutes passed; and, on
+the fifth minute, there was a low knock at the door, and in crept the
+miserable man, and cowered to his place. But, as you may suppose, there
+was no turnip for him _that_ night, until he had given a satisfactory
+explanation of his late return. The only excuse the frightened little
+ruffian had to offer was, that he had dropped a needle on the road, and
+had to return for it. So he went supperless to bed.
+
+'The next evening, having warmed up the old turnip, I again awaited his
+return. Eight o'clock struck, and, to my even greater surprise, it was
+not followed by the merchant's knock, and this time it was six minutes
+past before he entered, and with no better excuse for his late arrival
+than that he had dropped a reel of cotton on the road, and had to return
+for it. "Let this be a lesson to you, my man," said I, as I once more
+put away the turnip, which he had been regarding with longing eyes, and
+sent him to bed.
+
+'For the third time, on the following evening, I warmed up the turnip,
+feeling convinced that after the severe lesson he had received, my
+merchant would not again serve me such a trick. But eight o'clock
+struck, and then one minute passed; then two, three, four, five, six,
+seven, eight, nine, and as the minute-hand pointed to the ten, he
+crawled in on hands and knees, not daring to raise his eyes from the
+ground. And then I told him what I thought of his conduct.
+
+[Illustration: MOPING ABOUT THE COMMON]
+
+'Without waiting to hear a word of explanation, I now locked him in a
+cupboard beneath the stairs, put the turnip away, and went to bed. In
+the morning I let him out, but of course gave him no breakfast, and in
+due time he took his tray of goods, and left the house without a word.
+Hardly had he departed three minutes, when I hastily donned my bonnet
+and shawl, and followed him, determined to learn, if possible, what had
+delayed him on the three previous evenings. Keeping at a safe distance,
+I followed him all over the town, but nothing unusual happened. He
+called at every house, displaying his wares to any one likely to buy;
+selling a ribbon here, perhaps some pins or needles there, but his
+conduct, on the whole, seemed harmless enough. At length the day passed
+by, and the merchant started homewards; but he had not moved many paces,
+when he came to a stop, and seemed to debate in his mind whether he
+should return or not. Then, looking up and down the road, and seeing no
+one watching him, he suddenly took to his heels, and ran as hard as he
+could in the opposite direction. I lost no time in climbing over the
+wall, behind which I had been hiding, and quickly followed him. Out of
+the town the villain ran as swiftly as he could go, and I followed as
+close as possible, without being seen by him, and was only just in time
+to see the rogue climb into an old barrel that was standing, end up, in
+a field near the roadway. "Now," thought I, "I've got you in a trap, my
+fine fellow," and I ran up to the barrel. I could hardly believe the
+evidence of my eyes when I found it to be quite empty. Amazed beyond
+measure, I at last turned my steps towards home.
+
+'On arriving home, I found that my husband had not returned, and it was
+fully twenty minutes past eight when at last he appeared, but I was so
+astonished that I could not say a word to the little rascal, and once
+more he went supperless to bed.
+
+'For four more days I followed the little man without approaching a
+solution to this riddle. Each day he would go about his business in the
+usual manner and, in the evening, he would run to the barrel, into which
+he would speedily disappear. He came home later and later every night,
+until I could stand this state of things no longer; and, on the sixth
+day I determined never to return until I had satisfactorily cleared up
+this mystery. This time, instead of following my merchant through the
+town, I went direct to the barrel, and, hiding myself behind a bush near
+by, prepared to wait there all day and see what happened.
+
+'I had not made myself comfortable many minutes before I saw two old men
+coming along the road from the town; so old were they indeed, that they
+could only creep along by leaning one against the other. Right up to the
+barrel they crawled, and then, to my surprise, they scrambled over its
+sides and disappeared. Presently two more just as old and decrepit came
+along and disappeared in the same way. Now three more came, then two
+again, and then only one, all as old and wretched as could be, and each
+one crawled into the barrel and vanished. This went on for some time
+when, unable to restrain my curiosity and wondering why on earth the
+barrel didn't become full, I hurriedly left my hiding-place and looked
+therein, to find that it yet remained quite empty. I had barely time
+enough to regain my hiding-place when more and more old men came along
+the road and disappeared into the barrel.
+
+'This went on all day, and when the evening drew near, I could see my
+little man approaching from the town. As I expected, he walked straight
+up to the barrel, and in a twinkling had vanished inside. Without giving
+myself a moment to think, I once more left my hiding-place and climbed
+into the mysterious old tub. It was certainly rather a tight fit, but I
+managed to get in somehow or other. Presently I was astonished and
+alarmed to find that the bottom of the barrel, which I had imagined to
+rest on the earth, began to give way and open like a trap-door, and I
+felt myself sinking lower and lower, down a sort of well. The next
+thing, I found myself at the bottom of the well, and at the mouth of a
+tunnel so narrow and low that I could only go through it on my hands and
+knees. This, however, I proceeded to do, and found that it opened into a
+great chamber cut out of the solid rock.
+
+'Not daring to enter, I gazed into this strange place, which was lighted
+with many candles all affixed to the rocky walls with their own tallow.
+On the centre of the floor was piled a great heap of children's
+toys,--tin trumpets, wooden horses, drums, hoops, skipping-ropes,
+rocking-horses, peg-tops, in fact, every conceivable toy that a sensible
+child could wish for. Around this great heap, instead of children, sat
+all the poor miserable old men I had seen enter the barrel, and amongst
+them I now perceived my husband, who certainly seemed no happier than
+the rest. Securely hidden in the narrow passage from every one in the
+room, I could now watch all that took place, in the greatest comfort.
+
+'Not a word was said by any of the decrepit creatures as they stared
+absently at the toys in the middle of the room. Presently one whom I
+took to be their host, as I had not seen him enter the barrel, took from
+a peg on the wall, from which it had been suspended by a piece of
+string, an old bent tin pipe and proceeded to play. At once the wrinkled
+faces of the poor old fellows began to brighten up, and as the music
+grew more lively, they rocked their withered frames to and fro to the
+tunes. Soon, one by one, they stood upon their feet, and seeming to lose
+their old age as the music every moment became more enchanting, they
+forgot their feebleness and danced gaily about the room.
+
+'Younger and younger they grew, until my husband appeared to be such a
+dapper and bright little man that I could not prevent myself from
+leaving my hiding-place and going up to him and clasping him round the
+waist. Not a bit surprised did he seem to see me there, and as we
+danced merrily up and down the room, to my great joy and astonishment, I
+felt myself growing younger every moment, whilst the rest of the
+company, now all transformed to fine young men, danced in one circle
+round us, as handsome a couple as you would wish to see.
+
+[Illustration: KEPT HIM OUT OF MISCHIEF]
+
+'Still the magical music continued, and if anything grew more and more
+enchanting as we grew younger and younger, until we seemed to be
+frolicsome boys and girls once more. At last we found ourselves to be a
+crowd of little toddling children, and, my word! how we grabbed at the
+great heap of toys placed there for our amusement, and what a time we
+had to be sure!
+
+[Illustration: GLORIOUS TARTS AND SWEETS]
+
+'Under the great heap of toys, we discovered the most glorious tarts,
+pastries, cakes and sweets, and it didn't seem to matter how much you
+ate of them, for you never lost your appetite for more. At last, alas!
+the wonderful music quieted down, and by degrees we once more lost our
+childhood, then our youth, and, when the music suddenly stopped, we all
+returned to our old selves again, and fell flat on our faces quite tired
+out, while our host hung up his old tin pipe on its peg in the wall.
+
+'When we had all somewhat recovered, I fixed my eye upon my husband.
+"Now," thought I, "I've got you. This is how you waste your time, is it?
+And why you come home late for supper." The conscience-stricken
+creature trembled before my gaze, and then made a rush for the door. All
+made way for him, but I quickly followed through the tunnel and mounted
+a ladder which led to the trap-door at the bottom of the barrel, out of
+which I climbed, but only in time to see the rascal disappear into the
+town. I then made the best of my way home.
+
+[Illustration: IT DIDN'T MATTER HOW MUCH YOU ATE]
+
+'He had not returned when I arrived, so I waited three whole days and
+nights, prepared to make the unnatural man feel to the full my
+resentment at his shameful conduct. On the fourth day, as he had not
+come home, I went back to the tub, and not seeing any sign of him, I
+gave a kick to the old thing and sent it rolling over and over on its
+side. Would you believe me, there was not the slightest trace of any
+passage or well ever having existed beneath it. Since then I have
+wandered all over the country in search of this ungrateful wretch.' And
+the indignant woman, having finished her story, once more attempted to
+drag the affrighted little merchant away. Bill again intervened, and
+after a few very kind words, successfully persuaded her to allow her
+husband to remain with them, at the same time inviting her to make one
+of their brave band.
+
+This she only consented to do on condition that the policeman also never
+left them, 'as you never know,' said she, 'what the little wretch will
+be up to next.'
+
+The policeman having no objection to fall in with her wishes, they all
+marched on in peace.
+
+[Illustration: tailpiece]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS]
+
+[Illustration: headpiece]
+
+
+
+
+THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS
+
+
+Time was now getting on, and the fidgety old King, weary of being
+constantly on the move, became more and more impatient to reach his
+journey's end. For many days they had been crossing the great desert,
+and were fast approaching the further side when, one evening, the
+aggravating old fellow decided that they should march on right through
+the night. In vain did Bill point out to him how tired they all were;
+the old King would not even listen to him, so, whether they liked it or
+not, they had to jog on.
+
+Wearily they trudged along, and towards morning they came upon a great
+stone sphinx, in the arms of which there nestled a company of little
+children, every one of whom was fast asleep. Presently, as the sun rose
+and shone under the lids of their eyes, they, one by one, awakened, and
+stared in mute astonishment at the dusty figures before them. Assuring
+them that they had nothing to fear at their hands, Bill, with the King's
+permission, invited them all to breakfast. Seated in a great circle on
+the sands, beneath the old sphinx, every one did his utmost to make the
+strangers comfortable and to remove their natural shyness; and, in a
+little while, it was a very jovial party that sat demolishing the
+substantial breakfast prepared for them. Many songs were sung and
+stories told by Bill and his comrades, and presently one of the little
+fellows, who appeared to be the youngest of their new friends, stood up
+and related the following story:--
+
+'We are all brothers and sisters, and lived, until yesterday, with our
+good parents upon a sandbank in the mouth of the river Blim which, as
+you know, is one of the smaller tributaries of the river Nile. Our
+father was a fisherman, and upon the only spot on the bank which
+remained invariably high and dry, the clever man had erected a shed
+which served us for home, and which, at least, protected us from the
+showers of spray blown from the rough seas, and the chill winds that
+blew across the neighbouring marshes, as well as the cold rains that, in
+the fall of the year, flooded the adjacent country for miles around. A
+dozen stout beams, that had been cast up by the waves, served, each with
+one end deeply embedded in the wet sand, as a framework for our humble
+mansion. These were covered over with numerous skins of fish and pieces
+of old rag, all neatly stitched together by our industrious mother, or
+pinned by fish-bones skilfully sharpened by grinding their ends between
+two stones. Our good dad's stock-in-trade consisted of one long piece of
+frayed string, with a sharpened fishbone, bent in the form of a hook,
+fastened at one end, a small boat and a paddle, the former of which he
+had skilfully fashioned out of an old basket that had been washed
+ashore, and over which he had stretched more of the rags and fish-skins,
+of which we always possessed a goodly supply saved over from our meals.
+
+[Illustration: They came upon a great stone sphinx]
+
+'During the long winter months we were entirely cut off from our fellow
+creatures by the floods and the terrible storms at sea, and were
+compelled to subsist entirely upon our own resources; and thus we
+learnt, after many a bitter trial, to make almost everything we required
+from the spoils brought home by our hard-working father. The flesh
+of the fish, of course, served us for meat, either fresh or pickled in
+brine, and then dried in the sun. The roes, prepared in the same way,
+were our only delicacies, and, by an indulgence in these, we used to
+celebrate our many birthdays. Fish dripping we had in plenty, and the
+bones were dried and ground between two rocks, making the finest flour
+for bread and pies. The tails and fins were always saved, and, after a
+simple drying process, made excellent fuel, easily set alight with
+sparks kindled by knocking two stones sharply together. A fine black ash
+was left from fires kindled in this way, which, mixed with a little
+sea-water, made one of the purest inks. The good dad always encouraged
+us to make notes on the smooth white skins of the young dab, bleached
+and dried in the sun, explaining how useful they would be to us in
+after-life, and showed us how to cut pens from the larger bones of the
+fish. The only parts which the unselfish man reserved for himself were
+the eyes which, when dried, were his only substitute for tobacco in that
+lone part of the world, and which he smoked in a pipe most beautifully
+carved by himself, from the spine of an old cod.
+
+'The heads of the fish served the younger children for bricks, or even,
+after a little trimming, for dolls, with which they amused themselves
+during the long winter evenings. Many another device had we whereby we
+made the most of our very small opportunities, but you will readily see
+how dependent we were for everything upon the good fortune and
+resources of our father, without whom we should all very quickly have
+perished.
+
+'For many days and nights at a time our good dad would remain upon the
+sea, returning sometimes with a good supply of fish; at other times,
+alas! with only one or two little dabs, or even with nothing at all.
+Yet, by dint of saving up for a rainy day, when we had more than enough
+for our present needs, we managed to jog along fairly comfortably. One
+sad winter's evening, however, our good parent returned, having caught
+nothing but a very small dab and a very severe cold. Our anxious mother,
+in a state of alarm, lit a great fire and, after making him take a bowl
+of steaming fish gruel, with his feet at the same time in a bath of hot
+sea-water, she sent him to bed, and covered him up with as many fish
+skins as she could spare from the house. The next day he was decidedly
+worse, and our anxiety increased day by day as he showed no signs of
+improvement. Very soon, with no one to replenish our larder, our stores
+began to run low, and starvation stared us in the face.
+
+'At last one morning the invalid called our eldest brother to him and
+said to him:--"Son, our stores are all eaten up, and unless we obtain
+food by to-morrow morning we shall all surely die, so take my boat and
+fishing-line and see what luck will attend you." With tears in his eyes,
+the good-hearted boy left the house and very soon embarked.
+
+[Illustration: THE HEADS SERVED FOR DOLLS]
+
+'Having paddled some way out to sea, he threw his line, and fished and
+fished. After a little while he drew it in again to find, alas! that he
+had caught nothing. For the second time he cast his line, and fished and
+fished and fished, but on again pulling in the line he found that he had
+no better luck. He now for the third time threw out his line, and fished
+and fished and fished and fished, yet no better fortune attended him;
+so, bitterly disappointed, he wound up the tackle and paddled home.
+
+'Sorrowfully the unhappy father heard of his eldest son's want of
+success, and then sent for his second eldest son, and requested him to
+see if fortune would be kinder to him than it had been to his brother.
+But, alas! he returned likewise without even so much as a whitebait.
+Then, one after the other, he sent all his sons except myself, who am
+the youngest of all, but not a little piece of luck awaited any of them.
+The wretched man now called me to him and said:--"Son, hitherto I have
+been reluctant to send one so young upon such an errand, but,
+alack-a-day! you are now our only hope; unless good fortune waits upon
+you we shall all perish."
+
+[Illustration: YOU ARE NOW OUR ONLY HOPE]
+
+'After comforting him as much as I could, and assuring him that I would
+do my best, I hastened down to the shore and embarked in the little
+boat. I paddled a good way out to sea until I came to a suitable
+fishing-ground, and then threw out my line. I fished and fished and
+fished and fished, and on drawing in my line found nothing on the hook
+except the bait, a wretched piece of dried fish skin, which looked very
+draggled as it rose from the water. "Better luck next time," thought I,
+as I threw my line for the second time, and fished and fished and fished
+and fished and fished. Yet, on pulling up the line, I found to my dismay
+that instead of better luck I had even worse, if that were possible, for
+the wretched bait had vanished from the hook. "Once more," thought I, as
+I dropped my line overboard for the third time, "and, fish or no fish, I
+must give it up, even though we all die of starvation." So I fished and
+fished and fished and fished and fished with all my might, and when at
+length I had hauled it in you may imagine my distress when I discovered
+that not merely was there no fish upon the line, but that the hook
+itself had disappeared. With tears of rage and disappointment I now gave
+it up and prepared to return, but I had not gone very far when I
+thought, "Shall I have just one more try even without hook or bait?" And
+not giving myself any time to think about it, I hurled my line out for
+the fourth time and fished and fished and fished and fished and fished
+and fished and fished as hard as I could, when fancying that I felt a
+nibble, I hauled it in as quickly as possible and found an old
+sardine-tin which had become entangled in the line.
+
+'Hastily opening the tin, all I found therein was the head of an old
+sprat. "Alas!" said I to myself, "is this, after all my troubles, the
+only food I can take to my suffering father and hungering mother and
+brothers and sisters; better it would have been had we never been
+born!" and the tears streamed down my face.
+
+'As I bent low over my miserable catch a great shadow passed across the
+boat and suddenly looking up, I beheld a beautiful albatross sailing in
+the sky above me. No sooner did the graceful creature catch sight of the
+head of the sprat than it swooped down upon the tin that contained it,
+snatching it from my hands, and flew off with it as speedily as
+possible. Now it happened I had not let go my hold on the line, the
+other end of which was still fastened to the tin, so that in a very few
+minutes I felt myself lifted bodily up and whirled through the air and
+out to sea at a great speed. Dangling many feet beneath the great bird,
+on and on I was carried over the tops of the waves, in the greatest
+anxiety lest the marauding fowl should take a lower flight, in which
+case I should inevitably have been plunged into the sea and drowned.
+
+'How many miles we travelled thus it would be impossible for me to tell,
+but at length my arms grew tired of holding on and supporting my weight,
+and I began to fear every moment that I should slip off into the sea,
+when I beheld a fishing-boat in the distance, right in our course.
+Hoping that we should reach it before my strength gave out I anxiously
+watched the vessel as we gradually drew near. At last I found myself
+directly over the boat, and shutting my eyes, I let go my hold on the
+line, and dropped down right on to a pile of fish in the middle of the
+deck, sending them flying in all directions amongst the astonished
+fisherman.
+
+[Illustration: I FISHED AND FISHED AND FISHED]
+
+'My remarkable appearance amongst them had the most astonishing effect
+upon the fishermen. They one and all leapt into the sea, and
+notwithstanding my endeavours to entice them back to the boat, and to
+explain to them my sudden descent upon their vessel, the affrighted
+creatures swam off to the distant shore, which, let us hope, they
+reached in safety.
+
+'Looking around me I now discovered, to my great joy, that the boat was
+full of the finest fish, so, seizing the oars, I turned her head towards
+home, where I arrived with my prize on the following morning, after a
+hard night's work, rowing the heavily-laden craft to shore.
+
+'The rejoicings were great, as you may well imagine, when my good
+parents and brothers and sisters beheld me again, for all had given me
+up for lost, our old boat having been washed ashore the previous
+evening. A great meal of fish was prepared as soon as possible, at which
+we all ate heartily after so long a fast, and the old gentleman's
+condition was greatly improved by the meal.
+
+'Long before the large supply of food had been consumed, the good living
+and comfort had restored our dad's health, and he was able to resume his
+fishing. Being now so much better equipped with the fine boat in which I
+had returned, and with the splendid tackle we discovered therein, good
+luck always attended his fishing and we never wanted any more.
+
+'In the course of time it became necessary that their children should
+all leave them and seek their fortunes, and only yesterday morning, with
+many tears, we bade adieu to our kind-hearted parents and started on our
+journey.'
+
+The young strangers were now all thoroughly refreshed by their
+breakfast, and learning the nature of the campaign upon which the King
+and his army were engaged, willingly offered their assistance as
+camp-followers, or in any other way that they might be useful. The King
+very gratefully accepted their services, and before resuming the march
+the whole army went out of their way and visited the kindly fisherman.
+The King was pleased to confer many honours on the old fellow, and,
+before leaving him, promised to look after his numerous family, and in
+the future to provide for all their wants.
+
+[Illustration: tailpiece]
+
+[Illustration: vignette]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SIEGE OF TROY]
+
+[Illustration: headpiece]
+
+
+
+
+THE SIEGE OF TROY
+
+
+Early one fine morning, before the soldiers had arisen, the King, in a
+very excited state, called his general to his bedside and, pointing
+through the opening of his tent, said:--
+
+'Bill, can you see, far away upon the horizon, that little point of
+light?' And Bill, straining his eyes in the direction indicated, was
+indeed able to detect a little flash, as though the sun were shining
+upon a cucumber frame many miles away.
+
+'Well,' said the old man, 'that is the reflection of the sun upon the
+dome of my palace in Troy.'
+
+Bill, delighted that at last they were nearing their journey's end, went
+off and awakened the camp with the glad news, and all came running out
+and gazed in the direction of Troy; and so heartened were the brave
+fellows at the sight that they gave three resounding cheers.
+
+Their eagerness to be off was so great that there was no breakfast that
+morning, and soon performing a hurried toilet, and speedily packing up
+their sticks, they were on the move once more. The King's excitement
+knew no bounds and, after distributing amongst his followers the
+contents of his pocket, he insisted on climbing out of his chariot, and
+giving each of his officers in turn a ride therein. Having travelled
+some little way, the King suddenly called a halt, and held up his hand
+for silence, and then, in the clear air, could be heard the bells of
+Troy! More excited than ever, the King now took off his crown, and
+removing some of the jewels with the pen-knife which Bill had presented
+to him on his birthday, gave one to each of his chief officers.
+
+In a little time the towers of Troy came into view, on the further edge
+of the great plain they were crossing, and the elated King, quite beside
+himself with joy and expectation at this glorious sight, stood upon the
+seat of his chariot and danced, much to the alarm of Boadicea, who was
+wheeling him. He then sat down again, and, taking off his slippers, he
+threw them, one by one, as high into the air as he could, and caught
+them as they descended. As they came nearer and nearer to their goal the
+old fellow's spirits rose to such a pitch that something really had to
+be done, so the musician was told-off to play soothing tunes to him, and
+in time the excitable creature calmed down, only, however, to break out
+again when they halted that night before the walls of Troy. At last, to
+keep him quiet once and for all, and out of everybody's way, they put
+him to bed with a soothing-draught made up by the doctor.
+
+The approach of the gallant fellows had been closely observed from the
+watch-towers of the city, and, in consequence, they found the gates fast
+closed when they halted before them. And, as nothing could be done that
+night, they fixed up their camp and retired to rest.
+
+On the following morning, Bill sent the merchant's wife as an
+ambassadress into the city, to demand its instant surrender, and very
+gladly she undertook the task.
+
+[Illustration: Closely observed from the watch towers]
+
+'This is quite in my line,' said she, as she knocked for admittance at
+the gate, through which she was admitted after a little delay. Bill
+waited anxiously for her reappearance, hoping that the King of Persia
+would be wise enough to give up the city without further trouble, but
+suddenly a great roar resounded from the other side of the walls, and
+almost immediately afterwards the ambassadress, with tufts of the
+Persian King's hair held between her clenched fingers, was thrown out of
+the gates.
+
+'There's nothing for it now,' thought Bill, 'but to lay siege to the
+place,' and he at once proceeded to walk round the city and examine the
+nature of the ground; after which he mustered his whole force before
+him, and disposed them according to the accompanying plan:--
+
+[Illustration: PLAN OF SIEGE]
+
+In this way Bill completely surrounded the city, allowing no provisions
+of any kind to enter, and prepared to wait until the inhabitants had
+exhausted all their stores, and could hold out no longer.
+
+These were the instructions of General Bill to his army, to be
+faithfully carried out during the siege:--
+
+    1. That the King was not to be allowed out of his tent on any
+    account, in spite of his impatience.
+
+    2. That, with the exception of the general and the scout, no warrior
+    was allowed, without his officers permission, to leave his post, day
+    or night, during the siege, and if any one were discovered sleeping
+    without one eye open, his allowance of sugar for porridge next
+    morning was to be stopped.
+
+    3. That the scout was to be continually on the move.
+
+    4. That Boadicea was to prepare all the meals, and that at each meal
+    time she was to take the food she had cooked to the soldiers (an
+    extra large portion being always reserved for the King).
+
+    5. That every morning, with breakfast, she was to take to each his
+    boots brightly polished, a bowl of hot water to wash in, and a comb,
+    and that every evening she should bring them their slippers and
+    their night-shirts.
+
+For three years the siege went on, in quite a peaceful and, at times,
+even a pleasant way, with no sign at all of the Trojans feeling any
+discomfort; in fact, since the Merchant's Wife had been turned from the
+city, not a sound had been heard from within the walls.
+
+Now it happened one morning, about this time, that the gates, to every
+one's surprise, were thrown open, and a messenger, with a flag of truce,
+came forth. The poor fellow looked hungry enough, indeed, yet the
+Merchant's Wife roughly seized upon the famished creature, much to his
+annoyance, and brought him to the general. Bill, hoping that he had come
+with an offer from the King of Persia to surrender the city, joyfully
+handed the young man a chair and a biscuit, and, before allowing him to
+speak, insisted on his eating a bowl of hot porridge. When he had
+hungrily demolished the food, Bill kindly invited him to deliver his
+message, which, in a hesitating manner, he thus proceeded to do:--
+
+'The King of Persia sends greetings to his dear old friend, the King of
+Troy, and wishes to assure him that he bears no ill-will towards him. On
+the contrary, his happiest moments are spent in recalling those far-off
+times when, as young children, they played the livelong day together, in
+good-will and friendliness. He also begs him, for a few minutes, to
+allow his natural kindness to overcome his enmity, and send his old
+friend, now faint with hunger, enough suet to make just a little pudding
+for himself.'
+
+Bill, a trifle disappointed, took the message to the King of Troy, who
+seemed very much affected on hearing it.
+
+[Illustration: THESE PARCELS WERE NOW LABELLED]
+
+'Give the old fellow a cracknel,' roared he, 'and tell him that if he
+surrenders the city at once, he can have as nice a snack of dinner as he
+could wish.'
+
+The messenger returned to the city with the message and the cracknel,
+and Bill waited all through the day and night, but no word came from the
+city.
+
+After breakfast next morning, when, as Bill thought, the King of Persia
+would be feeling hungry, he called to him the nine stout sons of Crispin
+and Chloe and then summoned to him the Merchant's Wife and the Sicilian
+Char-woman, and between them they managed to wrap up each of the brave
+lads in brown paper, properly secured with strong string, making nine
+very neat parcels. The general had previously instructed the brave
+fellows how to act at the right moment, and in the meantime to remain
+perfectly still. These parcels were now labelled severally lemon cheese
+cake, fairy cakes, rock cakes, Jumbles, raspberry noyeau, mince pies,
+Pontefract cakes and peppermint cushions, and then all neatly piled upon
+the King's wheeling-chair, which Bill had borrowed for the purpose.
+
+Solemnly preceded by Bill, the Merchant's Wife and the Char-woman (being
+the two strongest people in the forces) now wheeled the chair up to the
+gates, in front of which they emptied its contents.
+
+The hungry Trojans had observed their approach, from the walls above
+which could now be seen innumerable heads popping up and down, and no
+sooner did they see what the chair was supposed to contain than they
+climbed down, and without any hesitation opened the gates. Bill then
+spoke to the Trojans in the following words:--
+
+'The King of Troy sends greetings to the King of Persia and hearing that
+his stores are exhausted, and, although at war with him, not wishing
+that he should suffer any serious discomfort, begs his acceptance of
+these provisions.' Bill and the two ladies now retired with the empty
+wheeling-chair and took up their position before the walls once more.
+
+In the meanwhile the parcels were taken into the city and presented to
+the King of Persia who was then sitting, with the whole of his court,
+hungrily wondering what was going to happen next. The parcels were
+heaped up before him, and he could hardly conceal his delight and
+eagerness to begin on the victuals at once. All his courtiers too seemed
+quite inclined to forget their manners and help themselves before they
+were asked. The King now took up the largest parcel, labelled Pontefract
+cakes, which happened to contain Hannibal, when at a given signal each
+one of the courageous young fellows broke from his confinement and at
+once set on those around him. Hannibal and Noah seized the Persian King
+and bound him securely with some of the string from the parcels; each of
+the other brave sons of Crispin bound some minister or courtier in the
+same way, and the rest of the court fled from the palace in abject
+terror.
+
+The nine lads now gave chase, and the panic which possessed the
+affrighted courtiers spread, in no time, through the city, and the whole
+of the inhabitants were soon fleeing before the infuriated fellows.
+
+Possessed with the idea that their pursuers were in much greater force
+than they really were, the scared wretches made for the gates of the
+city, out of which they ran as hard as they could. Bill, the General,
+wisely allowed them to pass through his lines, which they did in the
+maddest terror, and then fled far away over the plain, as the besieging
+forces once more closed in around the city.
+
+Seeing that the gates still remained open, Bill now marshalled his
+gallant army, and in one grand procession led them into the city.
+
+[Illustration: AND PACKED HIM OFF TO PERSIA]
+
+In front of all solemnly marched the General; then the Real Soldier;
+then the Merchant's Wife; then the Sicilian Char-woman, proudly waving
+her flag; then followed a number of Bill's charges, the Ancient
+Mariner, the Doctor, Camp-followers, the Musician playing triumphant
+music on his concertina, more Camp-followers, the Respectable Gentleman,
+the Scout, the Wild Man, yet more Camp-followers, the Merchant, and,
+last of all, preceded by the graceful Triplets, came the proud and glad
+old King himself, wheeled in great state by the faithful Boadicea, and
+guarded by the principal policeman of Troutpeg. The nine stout sons of
+Crispin, together with the remaining children, formed a guard of honour,
+extending from the city gates as far as the front door of the Palace,
+into which the excited and Royal old creature entered at last amid the
+cheers of his gallant followers.
+
+His first act was to release the King of Persia, and after accepting
+very graciously his humble and sincere apologies for his unkindness, the
+clement old fellow gave him a good breakfast and packed him off to
+Persia. In a like kindly manner he treated the courtiers, after they had
+all suitably begged his pardon; and the inhabitants, who came trooping
+back as soon as they heard how graciously the rightful King was
+behaving, one and all clamoured to shake the delighted old monarch by
+the hand and pay their homage to him.
+
+Thus, after all his trials and privations, this Royal and kindly
+creature was restored to his throne. The crown was done up and
+beautifully polished, and the old King once more crowned in great state.
+To show his gratitude to his brave and faithful followers he appointed
+them all (with the exception of the Triplets, who soon returned to
+Blowdripping) to places of honour in his court. Thus:--
+
+[Illustration: TROY BECAME THE HAPPIEST TOWN]
+
+  BILL,                  Commander-in-chief of the Army.
+  THE REAL SOLDIER,      General under Bill.
+  THE SCOUT,             Officer of the Army.
+  NINE SONS OF CRISPIN,  Bodyguard to the King.
+  THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS
+    AND OTHERS,          The Army.
+  BOADICEA,              Royal Housekeeper.
+  ANCIENT MARINER,       Admiral of the Fleet.
+  SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN,   Head Char-woman to Royal Household.
+  THE MERCHANT'S WIFE,   Superintendent of the Prison.
+  THE DOCTOR,            Court Physician.
+  PTOLEMY JENKINSON,     King's Valet.
+  RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN, Master of Good Behaviour to the
+                           Royal Household.
+  LONG MAN,              Hall Porter at Royal Palace.
+  MUSICIAN,              Court Musician.
+  WILD MAN,              Park Keeper.
+  POLICEMAN,             Preserver of the Peace.
+
+With such a gallant court and brave army around him the dear old man was
+saved from further troubles in his State during the remainder of his
+long and happy reign. In fact Troy became the very happiest town in the
+world, and the old King's noble followers were so contented with their
+lot that they never again left the city of Troy.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: THE END]
+
+[Illustration: vignette]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Transcriber's Notes
+
+Illustrations have been moved, when they interrupted paragraphs in the
+original. The list of illustrations has retained the page references in
+the original book.
+
+The only intentional changes to the text are the following corrections
+to typographical or printer's errors:
+
+Page 25 deleted hyphen in 'cocoa-nut' (the slabs of cocoanut ice)
+
+Page 149 added missing quotation mark at end of the paragraph (...my
+great courage and astute generalship.')
+
+Page 247: Missing closing single quote added (to make just a little
+pudding for himself.')
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Bill the Minder, by W. Heath Robinson
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