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diff --git a/33526-8.txt b/33526-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..918b243 --- /dev/null +++ b/33526-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2600 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, +June 28 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, June 28 1890 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: August 24, 2010 [EBook #33526] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOLUME 98, JUNE 28TH 1890 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + + + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_By Mr. Punch's own Type Writer._) + +NO. XIV.--THE LADY FROM CLOUDLAND. + +[Illustration] + +AT intervals of a few years the torpor of London Society is stirred by +the carefully disseminated intelligence that a new planet has begun to +twinkle in the firmament of fashion, and the telescopes of all those +who are in search of novelty are immediately directed to the spot. +Partially dropping metaphor, it may be stated that a hitherto unknown +lady emerges, like the planet, from a cloud under which, as the +envious afterwards declare, the greater part of her previous existence +has been spent. But Society, under the influence of boredom, is +tolerant of new sensations and of those who seek to provide them. +Those who guard its portals are, in these latter days, bidden not +to be over-curious in the inquiries they make of applicants for +admission, and eventually it may come to pass that the approaches +and avenues are opened as readily to one who comes trailing clouds of +obscurity, as to her who shines with the steady lustre of acknowledged +position. + +The Lady from Cloudland soars into the ken of fashion in various +places. Very often she is found for the first time in the little +mock temple which pious worshippers at the shrine of rank build for +themselves on the Riviera. They have their ceremonial closely copied +from the London model. They dance, they receive, they organise +bazaars. They launch out into tea-parties, and grow warm over the +discussion of scandals. They elect unto themselves leaders, and +bow their foreheads to the dust before the golden splendour of an +occasional scion of Royalty; in short, they cling as closely as +foreign skies and foreign associations permit to the observances which +have made English Society pre-eminent in its own respect, and in the +good-natured ridicule of less-favoured nations. But since the majority +of them have come in search of health, they cannot despise or reject +one who qualifies for consideration and interest by suffering, +and who, to the piquancy of an unknown origin, adds the high +recommendation of good looks--which are not too good--of a cheerful +temper, and an easy tact, which can only come of much knowledge of +many worlds. Such a one is the Lady from Cloudland. Many are the +questions asked about her, and even more various are the answers +given. "My dear," one lady will say to another, at the house of a +common friend, where the Lady from Cloudland has become the centre of +a throng of admirers, "I hear, on the very best authority, that her +mother used to sell flowers in the City, and that she herself was for +some years a Circus Rider in America. Whenever I meet her I feel a +dreadful inclination to say _Houp-là!_, instead of, How do you do?" To +which her friend will reply that she, on her side, has been informed +that the lady in question was formerly attached to the conjugal tribe +of an Indian Rajah, and was rescued by a Russian, whom she shortly +afterwards poisoned. They will then both invite her to their next +entertainments, asking her by no means to forget those delightful +Burmese love-ditties which only she can sing as they ought to be sung. + +The Lady from Cloudland, however, does not limit her ambition to the +hybrid Society of the South of France. She intends to make for herself +a position in London, the Mecca of the aspirant, and she proposes +to use those who thus console themselves with spitefulness as +stepping-stones for the attainment of her object. At the beginning of +the following London Season Society will learn, by means of the usual +paragraphs, that "Mrs. So-and-So, whose afternoon party last year +in honour of Prince ---- was one of the most brilliant successes of a +brilliant Riviera Season, has taken the house in May Fair, formerly +occupied by Lord CLANRACKET." The reiteration of this news in many +journals will set tongues wagging in London. Again the same questions +will be asked, and different answers will be returned. In due +course she arrives, she receives and is received, and she conquers. +Henceforward her parties become one of the features of the Season. +In rooms arranged tastefully in an Oriental style, with curtains, +hangings, delicately worked embroideries, woven mats of charming +design and tropical plants, she welcomes the throng who come at her +invitation. She moves by degrees. Contenting herself at first with a +small _chargé d'affaires_ or a Corean plenipotentiary, she soon +rises to a fully fledged Ambassador and a bevy of secretaries and +_attachés_. Her triumph culminates when she secures a deposed monarch +and his consort. She is clever, and knows well that those whom she +seeks to entice will overlook their own ignorance with regard to her +if only they can be certain of being amused and interested in her +house. She, therefore, contrives, without transgressing the higher +_convenances_, to banish all ceremonial stiffness from her parties, +and to import in its place an atmosphere of cheerful gaiety and +musical refinement. For, whatever she may have once been, there can +be no doubt that when London makes her acquaintance she possesses, not +only charming manners, but innumerable accomplishments which are as +salt to the jaded palate of Society people. Thus she progresses from +season to season, and from success to success. + +In her second year she becomes a favoured guest in many country +houses, where an effort is made to relieve the tedium of daily +shooting parties by nightly frivolities. Soon afterwards she is +presented at Court, and becomes herself a patroness to many foreigners +who desire by the exercise of their talents to make a precarious +living in England. By these she is considered to be one of the suns +from which the great world draws its light and warmth. In her third +Season she is sufficiently secure to introduce into Society her +daughter, aged eighteen, who has hitherto (so she will inform her +friends) been receiving a good education abroad. Accompanied by "my +little girl," she may be seen, on fine afternoons, reclining in her +spick and span Victoria, in the midst of the crowd in the Ladies' +Mile. She is thus hedged round with a respectability which not even +indiscreet inquiries after her late husband (for it is understood that +he died and left her in comfort many years before) can disturb. She +permits herself occasionally, it is true, to join _chic_ parties at +fashionable restaurants, but these, since they are often under titled +patronage, can scarcely be considered serious lapses from propriety. +After having herself presented her daughter at Court, and having given +(in London) a party which was attended by Royalty, she is beyond the +reach of cavil or reproach. Here and there a jealous and disappointed +social rival may still mutter dark hints about ancient vagaries, and +meaning looks may still be exchanged by male and female gossips, +but for the great mass of those who frequent Society she is as +irreproachable as though her ancestry for twenty generations had been +set down in the pages of _Burke_ or _Debrett_. Eventually she marries +her daughter to the younger son of an Earl, and having made of the +marriage festivities _the_ great social function of the Season, she +herself soon afterwards retires to some extent from the business of +Society, and devotes herself chiefly to the cultivation of simple +pleasures and hot-house flowers in a luxurious retreat on the banks of +the Thames. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +SOCIAL. + +"_Haven't missed a word you said_;" _i.e._, "Gracious! where was she?" + +"_Not exactly pretty, perhaps, but so nice_;" _i.e._, "As pappy in +character as she is plain in face." + +RAILROAD AMENITIES. + +"_No, thanks; reading in a railway carriage always tries my poor eyes +so_;" _i.e._, "I've better occupation for them just now." + +"_Pardon my drawing the blind; the glare in a railway carriage +always makes my head ache_;" _i.e._, "Shows up my wrinkles and +moustache-dye." + +THEATRICAL. + +"_She is an intelligent and experienced artist_;" _i.e._, Much too old +for the part. + +EFFUSIVE FLATTERY. + +"_Thank you so much for your dear little Book of Poems. I haven't read +them yet, but next time we meet I'll tell you what I think of them_;" +_i.e._, "I hereby make a solemn resolution, if I can possibly help it, +never to meet you again in this life." + +PERFUNCTORY APOLOGY. + +"_I hope I didn't hurt you. I'm sure I beg your pardon_;" _i.e._, +"Stupid fool! Serves you right for sticking out your feet, and +tripping up everybody who happens to stumble on to them." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: REDUCED TO A SHADOW!--Probable Result of Parliamentary +Pressure.] + + * * * * * + +DIANA AT DINNER. + + [On the first page of the prospectus of the + recently-established "Dorothy" Restaurant it is stated that + it is for "Ladies only." On the last page will be found the + following modification:--"At the request of many of the Lady + customers, it has been decided to open the Restaurant from + 6.30 P.M. to 10 P.M. to both Ladies and Gentlemen."] + + THERE was started in London, I mustn't say where, + And, beyond saying lately, I mustn't say when, + A sweet Restaurant, where the sex that is fair + Might attend undisturbed by the presence of men. + + "We are forced to endure you in Park and in Row, + We must bear you unwilling in hansom or 'bus; + But if any stray _here_, they shall meet with a No,-- + So attempt not the haunt that is sacred to Us. + + "Be warned, O intruder, nor venture to lag + When the nymphs of Diana the huntress draw nigh. + Fly, fly from their presence as fleet as a stag. + Lest you meet with the fate of Actæon, and die." + + Thus the Ladies addressed us; the tables were set, + The silver was polished, the viands displayed. + And, like doves in a dove-cote, the customers met, + In a plumage of silks and of muslins arrayed. + + "This is sweet!" said AMANDA. "Delightful!" said JANE. + While the rest in a chorus of "Charming!" combined. + And, declaring they cared not if dishes were plain, + So the men remained absent, they solemnly dined. + + And they toyed with their _entrées_, and sipped their Clicquot, + And their smiles were as sweet as the wine that they drank. + But at last came a whisper--"Oh dear, this is slow!" + "Hush, hush!" said the others. "How dreadfully frank! + + "Not slow; but there's something--I scarcely know what, + An absence, a dulness I cannot define. + It may be the soup, which was not very hot, + Or the roast, or the waiting, the ice, or the wine. + + "But I'm sure there's a something." And so they agreed, + And they formed a Committee to talk of the case. + And a programme was issued for all men to read, + Bidding men (on page one) to abstain from the place. + + But, since it is harder to ban than to bless, + "For their own sakes," they said, "we will humour the men." + If you turn to the last page, you'll find this P.S.:-- + "Men allowed, by desire, from 6.30 to 10." + + * * * * * + +TRUE NOSTALGIA. + +[Illustration: "ULLO! DUBOIS? YOU IN LONDON?" + +"OUI, MON AMI. JE SUIS ARRIVÉ DE PARIS CE MATIN, ET J'Y RETOURNE CE +SOIR PAR LE CLUB-TRAIN!" + +"IS THIS THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE COME TO LONDON?" + +"NON, MON AMI. MAIS C'EST LA PREMIÈRE FOIS QUE J'Y RESTE AUSSI +LONG-TEMPS!"] + + * * * * * + +WEEK BY WEEK. + +IN the course of last week it was universally remarked that the _beau +monde_ betook itself by the usual methods of conveyance to Ascot. +A very smartly-appointed coach, horsed entirely by blue-black +hippogriffs, attracted much attention. The lunches were of more than +ordinary magnificence, and it was calculated that, during the week, +no less than 5,624,907 bottles of champagne were consumed. The +pigeon-pies were, as usual, composed mostly of beef. + + * * * * * + +One charming toilette was the cynosure of neighbouring eyes in the +Enclosure. It was constructed of four gold _galons_, tastefully +distributed on a blue silk ground intended to represent the Lake of +Geneva. This was fringed with _passementerie_ of the most ancient +design, and picked out with minute red spots arranged in geometrical +figures. The bonnet was composed of a single scrap of antique lace +folded over a threepenny bit. + + * * * * * + +H.R.H. the Grand Duke of KATZENJAMMER, who is making a stay of several +weeks in the Metropolis, in order that he may study free institutions +on the spot, has been, we are informed, busily engaged in writing and +answering letters during the past three days. + + * * * * * + +An interesting story, of which His Royal Highness is the hero, is +going the round of the Clubs. It appears that on his arrival at the +hotel in which he has established himself with his suite, the Grand +Duke, whose absence of mind is well known, forgot to remunerate the +cabman who had driven him. This individual, however, with the rudeness +which is still, we regret to say, characteristic of the lower orders +of our fellow countrymen, made repeated applications for his money, +and eventually threatened to call in a policeman or to take out a +summons. On this becoming known to the Grand Duke, he at once gave +orders that the cabman should be ushered into his presence, and, after +presenting him with a paper gulden, invested him then and there with +the order of the Golden Ball, at the same time exclaiming that honesty +and perseverance in humble life were always worthy of commendation. +The cabman is said to have been much moved. In these democratic days, +such instances of princely condescension are not without value. + + * * * * * + +We are requested by the Earl of C-V-NTR-Y to state that he is sick to +death of the whole business, and has eliminated the word "enclosure" +from every dictionary he has been able to lay his hands on. He had +intended at first to admit nobody, but was overruled, and he cannot, +therefore, hold himself responsible for the presence of various people +who seemed to think that they ought to be treated like unseasonable +strawberries, first forced, then exhibited, and then swallowed. + + * * * * * + +An amusing incident is reported from the remote frontier village of +Pusterwitz in Moldavia. A cobbler who had manufactured the boots of +the Burgomaster ventured to submit his bill for payment. The populace, +infuriated by this insult to their beloved Magistrate, after binding +the offender in calf at the local publishing office, proceeded to +slice him into small pieces with their _schneide-messers_ (the +native knife), to the immense delight of a crowd of peasants from the +surrounding districts. The Burgomaster was much touched by this proof +of popular devotion. + + * * * * * + +GOING TOO FAST.--M. ALEXANDRE JACQUES, who is announced as "a rival to +SUCCI," is at this moment dispensing with food at the Royal Aquarium. +He intends carrying out this self-denying programme for two days +beyond a couple of score--possibly as a proof of his fortitude or (as +a Cockney would pronounce the word) "forty-two'd." The last time this +talented person dispensed with sustenance, was in Edinburgh, when he +did not partake of any meal in the Douglas Hotel for thirty days--a +feat, one would think, that must have been more interesting to the +Medical Profession than the proprietor of the hostelry. However, as +M. JACQUES fought for his country in 1870-71, he should be a most +pleasant guest for the next six weeks or so to dinner-givers with a +taste for economy. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, June 16._--"This is something like old +times," said TIM HEALY, briskly rubbing his hands. "Poor JOSEPH +GILLIS! pity he didn't live to see this night." + +[Illustration: At Bay.] + +Very like old times, indeed. Seventy questions on the paper, increased +fourfold by others put arising out of the answer. Practice is for +Irish Members to put question; Prince ARTHUR reads answer from +manuscript supplied from Irish Office; then uprise in succession +half-a-dozen other Irish Members, each asking fresh question. Prince +ARTHUR with one leg crossed over other and hand to chin sits looking +and listening; presently when there is lull, lounges up to table and +makes answer. FERGUSSON looks on in wonder. "What would become of +me," he said, "supposing after I had read out my cut-and-dried answer, +half-a-dozen fellows sprang on my back, and with fists in my face +demanded reply to quite new question. I'm afraid I'd be lost." + +That exceedingly probable. FERGUSSON'S floundering when momentarily +adrift from sheet-anchor of his written reply decidedly painful. +Prince ARTHUR saunters up to very mouth of guns of battery opened on +him from Irish camp; looks straight down them; fires his shot; and +saunters back; often a nasty shot, too; plumps in middle of camp and +sets them all a roaring. This takes place every night. To-night lasted +an hour. Once threatened repetition of scenes of decade after '74. +Would have so happened but for tact and presence of mind of SPEAKER; +cool and collected amid the clash of arms and roar of constant +cannonading. JOHN DILLON standing with folded arms and flashing eyes, +"Like NAPOLEON when he couldn't cross the Alps," said NICHOLAS WOOD, +looking on from a safe distance. + +The SPEAKER also on his feet with stern cry of "Order! Order!" Long +JOHN O'CONNOR sitting on Bench below, darting straight up and down, +with swift regular movement, for all the world like the piston of a +steam-engine. Ministerialists bellowing in continuous roar at JOHN +DILLON, still on his feet; uprises JOHN O'CONNOR with intent to +offer observation; roar redoubled; reaches demoniac proportions; JOHN +O'CONNOR plops down again; noise partially subsides; suddenly the +piston discovered bolt upright; another roar; down it goes; all the +while the SPEAKER crying aloud for "Order!" and JOHN DILLON standing +with fiercer frown and arms more tightly folded. + +"What was it NAPOLEON said when he couldn't cross the Alps?" NICHOLAS +whispered, tremulously. "'If the Alps won't come to MAHOMET, MAHOMET +must go to the Alps.' No, I don't think it was quite that; but was +something to that effect; and I'm sure something will happen if DILLON +doesn't sit down." + +Just when matters reaching crisis, DILLON gave way; the piston on +the bench below simultaneously ceased its action; and the SPEAKER, in +quiet, grave tones, that had immediately soothing effect, suggested +that, if any more information was required, it should be sought in the +usual way, by Questions placed on the Paper. JOHNSTON o' Ballykilbeg, +who had overheard GILL incidentally allude to Prince ARTHUR as prone +to untruth, wanted the SPEAKER to take notice of irregularity. But +SPEAKER judiciously deaf. As for JOHN O'CONNOR, glad of a little rest. + +"All I wanted, TOBY," he explained, "was to hurl the word 'Crime' in +BALFOUR'S teeth." + +"Exactly," I said; "nothing more natural or desirable. But you should +tone down the tendency towards the steam-engine-piston action, for +which, I do not deny, you possess some natural advantages." + +_Business done._--In Committee on Compensation Bill. + +_Tuesday._--"What's this I hear about Heligoland?" says NICHOLAS WOOD. +Hardly knew him; so changed. A dull, heavy look faded over his usually +mobile countenance; his svelte figure puffed out, and bent. "Only +fortnight ago, SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE proposed to give up +Heligoland; barter it for a case of German Sausages, says he. +FERGUSSON very properly angry; me and other good Tories protested +against this new Separatist policy. Couldn't find Heligoland on the +map." + +"Ha!" I say, "but Germany has found it, and taken it, and the MARKISS +is willin'." + +"Very odd," says NICHOLAS; "can't make it out; like a thing out of a +play; never go to a play, you know, but understand this sort of thing +is somehow done: first you see it, then you don't; Heligoland British +territory; to be sacrificed only with last drop of blood; Radical +Separatists rapped on knuckles for suggesting handing over; then we +wake up, and find it's been handed over, and by the MARKISS! Tell you +what it is, TOBY, think I shall cut this business; not brought up to +politics; find them a little weakening." + +[Illustration: The Ladies' Man.] + +OLD MORALITY announced programme for remainder of Session. In bulk +something exceeding ordinary programme when brought in in February. +Now it is the so-called June; every prospect of sitting till October; +House groans and growls; terrible charges flying round; WINTERBOTHAM +darkly accuses Cabinet Minister of keeping a public-house. HICKS-BEACH +admits soft impeachment, but pleads it's "only a little one, brings +me in only £20 a-year rent." "Miserable!" says NEWNES, who owns _Tit +Bits_. + +General feeling of sympathy with BEACH. WINTERBOTHAM apologises; if +he'd known it was only £20 wouldn't have said anything. OLD MORALITY, +in his kind way, presses BEACH'S hand; has troubles of his own to +bear; but a man who owns a public-house and draws only £20 a-year from +it, takes precedence in sympathy. + +Over stern conflict and cantankerous sitting, PLUNKET sheds beam of +genial humour. TIM HEALY asks if there could not be lift arranged to +Ladies' Gallery. "Too expensive," says PLUNKET. "Too dear, he means," +murmurs HOWORTH, who runs DICK TEMPLE close in his devotion to the +Ladies. "Why," objects GEORGE CAMPBELL, whose eye nothing escapes, +"there is already a lift for coal. Why not substitute Ladies for +coal?" + +"You see," said PLUNKET, smilingly, "we cannot do either without coal +or without Ladies, and it is difficult to combine them in a lift." + +GEORGE CAMPBELL not sure. When he has time to withdraw his thoughts +from Central Asia, will look into the matter. + +_Business done._--In Committee on Compensation Bill. Ministerial +majority reduced to 29. + +_Thursday._--"I really can't do it," said MACLURE. "Oh, you must," +said CHAPLIN; "hard work, I know, but put on a spurt and there you +are." + +"Wish I _was_ there," said MACLURE, mopping his forehead. "All very +well for slim young thing like you; but seventeen stun isn't the +form for a short spin, especially with these confounded steps." +Scene--passage by Cloak-room into House of Commons; time 5.19 P.M.; +bell ringing furiously; Division imminent; PENROSE FITZGERALD with +jacket shorter than ever, trousers turned up with a grace that maddens +with envy. BOBBY SPENCER and LEWISHAM, on watch at top of staircase. + +"Come along!" he shouts; "dividing on First Clause of Compensation +Bill; SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE sprung a mine on us; got all their +men here; ours down at Ascot; wouldn't be you for a quarter's salary, +CHAPLIN. Hurry up! hurry up! Put your best leg forward, MACLURE!" + +"That's all very well," said MACLURE, testily; "but which _is_ my best +leg?" + +[Illustration: On Outpost Duty.] + +The two heavy-weights pounded gallantly along; been to Ascot; +thought they'd be back in plenty of time for Division; and here's +Division-bell at its last shake. HARTINGTON come up with them; +striding ahead; wins easily; CHAPLIN reaches door of House just as it +is closing; with tremendous effort, MACLURE pulls himself together; +throws himself on doorway; nothing could stand rush like that; door +bursts open; MACLURE and Compensation Bill saved. A very close shave. +When Division taken, 228 vote for Government, 224 against; majority +Four--the four who raced up the staircase hot from Ascot. + +Crowded House in wild excitement. SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE consumed +in bitterness of spirit. "If we'd divided half an hour ago we should +have had majority of 25; a quarter of an hour ago, ten minutes ago, +five minutes ago, sixty seconds earlier, we'd have won. But those +Irish Shylocks must have their pound of verbosity. Couldn't resist +temptation of putting an extra question, even for certainty of +defeating Government. When they're once started on subject of +shadowing, they go off by the hour." + +"Well, never mind," said GORST; "you know it isn't the first time in +history that men have sacrificed the substance for the shadow." + +_Business done._--The Government's--very nearly. + +_Friday._--HOME SECRETARY in the Dock; Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT, Q.C., +instructed by Mr. HENRY FOWLER (Messrs. CORSER, FOWLER, & LANGLEY, +Wolverhampton), prosecuted. Prisoner, who was accommodated with a +seat, conducted his own defence. After long consultation, Jury could +not agree, and were discharged without a verdict. + +_Business done._--Metropolitan Police Vote agreed to. + + * * * * * + +THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY. + +_Monday._--_Carmen._ ZÉLIE is the accepted _Carmen_ this season--no +better; and MAGGIE MACINTYRE as _Michaela_, which, being an awkward +name to pronounce, might be abbreviated to _Mickie_. DAN DRADY the +Dramatic, excellent as _Escamillo_. One singer in a season plays many +parts, and one part is played by several singers. How would a theatre +succeed conducted on this plan, so that the same play should be +produced on certain nights with a different cast? Here is DAN DRADY, +for example; he plays _Escamillo_, tragi-comedy, one night; another +time he is the noble _San Bris_ in _Les Huguenots_; another, he +is _Figaro_ the loquacious _Barber of Seville_; another, he is the +devil-may-care gallant _Don Giovanni_; and, though best in serious +parts, he is good in all of them. On other occasions, when _Carmen_ +is given, the cast will be changed; some other singer will represent +_Escamillo_, or someone will replace MAGGIE as _Mickie_; RAVELLI the +Reliable will have been _Don José_ once, and then MONTARIOL or YBOS +(why Boss? Can't yet make this out), or even JEAN DE RESZKÉ may +represent the nincompoop soldier. Suppose _A Pair of Spectacles_, with +a change of cast, Mr. HARE out of it occasionally, and Mr. ... Ah! +there's the difficulty, Mr. Who, taking his part. Imagine _Faust_ +without IRVING as _Mephistopheles_. What a big Company it would +require! No; better leave well alone. + +[Illustration: Mr Punch.] + +_Tuesday._--_Faust._ Always a safe draw. Same cast as before. Worth +noting, that GOUNOD has given _Wagner_ very little to do in this +Opera, and that little not of his best. Evidently GOUNOD does not +possess a strong sense of humour, or he wouldn't have lost such a +chance as this. In the Kermesse Scene _Wagner_ should have commenced +one of his own Wagnerian strains, in the Wagnerian style, and been +immediately stopped by the student's applause. + +_Wednesday._--_Le Nozze di Figaro._ Always charming. Should like +to see examination paper on the plot of _Le Nozze_, questions to be +answered without any reference to book. + + 1. Give succinct and clear account of the plot. + + 2. What connection with plot have _Figaro's_ father and + mother? + + 3. What social position among the Count's guests are the + ladies of the ballet supposed to hold? + + 4. Having stated this, account for their costumes. + + 5. Why does Mlle. PALLADINO, the chief dancing guest, take no + sort of notice of _Il Conte_ and _La Contessa_? Are they not + on speaking terms? If not, why not? + + 6. Why is _Don Bartolo_ always made up and costumed as a + superior Pantaloon? + +Delighted again to see ELLA RUSSELL as _Susanna_. To think that only +the other evening she was the graceful and stately _Queen Marguerite_ +in _Les Huguenots_, and now she is a _soubrette très piquante_. +There are other pages in Madame SCALCHI'S history--the page in +_the Huguenots_, for example, and his twin brother in _Lucrezia +Borgia_--which like me more than her _Cherubino_. Vocally DAN DRADY +the Dramatic is all right; but he is too severe for _Figaro_ the +barber. Good house considering it is Ascot week, and on this night +when such sad rumours are in the air, everyone sincerely delighted at +seeing the Marchioness of LORNE in the Royal Box. + +_Thursday._--_Cup Day_, Ascot. _Roméo et Juliette._ Most +appropriate: _Juliette_ takes the Cup. + +_Friday, Don Giovanni_; and _Saturday, Lucia_. This deponent sings, +"Not there, not there, my child!" "Eye hath not seen,"--I mean, "_I_ +have not seen" these two on these two particular occasions; but I +believe that, in consequence of my absence, the Opera went on as +usual, and DRURIOLANUS did not have to come before the Curtain and +make an apology. + + * * * * * + +IN THE KNOW. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet._) + +THE crass and pernicious dulness of some people exceeds belief. +There exists at the office of this paper a _person_--he is absolutely +unworthy of any other designation--who presumed last week to abstain +from inserting in these columns the article to which the sporting +millions of his fellow countrymen were looking for information with +reference to the Ascot doings. I have no doubt whatever that _he +himself used the hints_ which that article contained, for I have since +seen him in a brand-new hat and a gold watch-chain, the result of his +ill-gotten gains. For my own sake I am forced to explain this sinister +business, lest the preposterous suet-headed Mr. J. should triumph, +and my readers should suppose for a moment that I would willingly +disappoint them. I have kept a copy of what I wrote, and I here +transcribe some of it in self-defence. + +"With regard to the Royal Hunt Cup," I observed, "only a bat-eyed +bargee, with the brains of a molluscous monkey, could fail to see the +merits of _Morion_. _Morion_, it is well known, is an open helmet, but +it doesn't follow from that that the Hunt Cup is an open event. Far +from it. Visor, or no visor, those who elect to stand on _Morion_, +need anticipate no trouble from anything else, for _Morion_ is as +certain to win the race as Mr. J. is to make a green-gooseberry fool +of himself before another week is out." There was accuracy. No silly +beating about the bush, but a straightforward piece of information, +which not even the great band of boozy Bedlamites and buffoons who +dance attendance on Mr. J. could have mistaken. But, as I said, no +blame attaches to me in the matter. + +Now then with regard to the Gold Cup. I said: "In the Gold Cup the old +adage holds, _Medio tutissimus ibis_. The Ibis, I may mention, though +he was an Egyptian bird, cannot be termed a flyer. However, take the +three words _The Gold Cup_, select the middle word, open your +mouth, bung up the eyes of anyone who impedes you, and wire to your +Commissioner." The middle word was "Gold," and _Gold_, of course, won +the Cup that was of, _or_ belonging to him. Ask Prince SOLTYKOFF if +am right or wrong. And for the rest, if any fuddling, bolus-brained, +bran-faced, turnip-tongued, hippopotamus-headed moon-calf doubts my +word, let him remember that there are pistols for two--_and coffee for +one_, in Belgium, and let him tremble. + + * * * * * + +THE WAY WE SHALL LIVE SOON. + +(_From the Diary of the Automatically Conducted._) + +7 A.M.--Turned out of automatically constructed bed and deposited +on the floor. Am picked up and hurled into an automatic dressing, +washing, and shaving chair, after which, being dressed by self-acting +machinery, descend by switchback lift to dining-room, where I am fed +by an "automatic private breakfast supplier" while listening to last +night's speeches in the House, and the latest gossip, furnished by one +of the "_Phonographic Association's Parliamentary and Social Scandal +Machines_." + +10 A.M.--Take automatic horse exercise, and am thrown twice, being +picked up each time automatically by a self-registering and revolving +automatic policeman. + +NOON.--Attend the marriage of a favourite niece, assisting at the +subsequent social entertainment which is supplied to the assembled +guests on the platform of a West-End terminus from one of the +"Twopenny Wedding Breakfast Company's Automatic Machines," the +Bridegroom at the same time presenting the Bridesmaids with a handsome +Penny Piece of Jewellery from a similar source. + +4 P.M.--Hair cut automatically, but, owing to some want of nice +adjustment in the machinery, having managed to get ears clipped +smartly at the same time, put penny into slot and consult an automatic +pillar-post. Eventually get my head (and my hat too, by mistake) +strapped up by patent automatic binder in the ward of an automatically +conducted Hospital. + +8 P.M.--Dine automatically with automatic halfpenny appetite, +listening to Phonographic Italian Opera at one of Metropolitan +District Underground Stations. + +10 P.M.--Dragged up-stairs mechanically by switch-back lift, and have +my boots pulled off by machinery, being automatically flung into a hot +bath, turned out, scrubbed, lifted out, dried by a revolving towel, +and eventually thrown into bed and tucked up, and finally sent +to sleep by Phonograph repeating good things said by funny man at +previous day's evening-party. + + * * * * * + +THE MONRO DOCTRINE (_not to be adopted by Sir Edward Bradford_). That +the control of the legislative proposals of the Government should be +"a question of police." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INFELICITOUS QUOTATIONS. + +_Jones (after a delightful Waltz)._ "AND NOW, MISS BROWN, LET US GO +AND SEEK SOME 'REFRESHMENT FOR MAN AND BEAST!'"] + + * * * * * + +"GIVEN AWAY WITH A POUND OF TEA!" + +_A Song of (Imperial) Shop._ + + OH, nice little, plump little German boy, + Approaching the Counter of B. & Co., + You never, most probably, hoped to enjoy + In the way of business--a way _you_ know-- + An opportunity half so good + For doing a smart little stroke of trade. + BULL'S Shopman, you see, is in generous mood, + As "wonderful bargains" his wares are arrayed, + And treasures,--no wonder you jump with glee! + Are "Given away with a Pound of Tea!" + + _Do ut des!_ That's the motto, of course, + _The_ motto of Shop in the Fatherland; + It was laid down by OTTO with lucid force, + And CAPRIVI its bearings doth understand. + But the man at the Counter of JOHN BULL'S Stores, + The drift of the doctrine seems hardly to grasp; + So his Teuton customer collars and scores. + He's stolid and 'cute, or he'd stare and gasp + To see the possessions of Mr. JOHN B. + "Given away with a Pound of Tea!" + + Pays for 'em? Humph! With a Zanzibar cheque; + Like a "Bank of Elegance" counterfeit note, + Or a draft on oneself; worth a penny a peck. + Such paper as this on the market to float! + Giving you what is yours, or at least is not _his_, + In exchange for whatever he happens to want, + Is what slangy Sportsmen call "very good biz," + For _him_, though for you, BULL, it looks like a "plant," + Have you any more goods, BULL, you'd like to see + "Given away with a Pound of Tea?" + + Kilima Njara, no doubt, was a boon, + To the innocent butterfly-hunting boy. + (Who sups with the--Teuton, should have a long spoon, + For his appetite's eager and dainties don't cloy.) + The Hinterland comes in most handy, no doubt, + And then that nice bonus of Heligoland! + Ah, truly, the Teuton knows what he's about. + But Shopman SALISBURY, why should he stand + And advertise goods of his master J. B. + As "Given away with a Pound of Tea?" + + What's the next article? Pray, do not shrink + From "giving a name to it," small German boy; + The Shopman so smiles, one might verily think + That "parting's" _not_ "sorrow," but what he'll enjoy. + "Surrender," and "Scuttle," and all the bad terms + Once hurled at "the Shirkers" to roost now return. + Where _is_ the last Jingo? One fancies he squirms + And invokes ASHMEAD-BARTLETT. Could he Jingos spurn, + Do worse--the old Shopman, false W.G.-- + Than cry, "Given away with a Pound of Tea?" + + Though a bargain's a bargain, and not a bad stroke + When a little good-nature secures a firm friend, + Reciprocity all on one side's a poor joke, + And a bargain that's bad is a bargain to mend. + That German is not yet gone out of the shop, + Recall him a moment--to look at that cheque! + It may not be one that a banker would stop, + But is it "Good Value"? This rede you may reck, + Mr. Shopman, _sans_ shame. 'Tis pure fiddle-dedee + To give _too_ much away with your Pound of Tea! + + * * * * * + +HARROW OR HANVER? + +FROM an all-too-brief correspondence in the _P. M. G._, we learn that +Mr. JOHN ADDINGTON SYMONDS is very angry with Mr. FRANK HARRIS for a +statement appearing in a _Fortnightly Review_ article of his, that he +"went to Hanver at the age of thirteen." Mr. SYMONDS explains that it +was to Harrow that he went at that period of his life, and that he +has never been to Hanver at all--which, no doubt, is a matter of great +importance to mankind in general. He complains, moreover, that his +essay is "villanously ill-edited." Surely this is what _Polonius_ +would call "an ill-phrase," and suggests a doubt whether Mr. SYMONDS +cultivated much at Harrow those "ingenuous arts," the study of which +"softens the manners and does not permit them to be brutal." Perhaps +it is not even now too late for him to pick them up. He might try +Hanver. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "GIVEN AWAY WITH A POUND OF TEA!!!"] + + * * * * * + +THE LADIES' YEAR. + +[_Miss Margaret Alford (of Girton) Niece of scholarly Dean Alford, is +announced in one of the four "Senior Classes" at Cambridge._] + + "A DREAM of Fair Women"--who shine in the Schools, + The Muse should essay ere her ardour quite cools. + Come, bards, take your lyres and most carefully tune 'em, + For Girton in glory now pairs off with Newnham. + Miss FAWCETT the latter with victory wreathed, + And now, ere the males from their marvel are breathed, + Miss MARGARET ALFORD, the niece of the Dean, + As a Classical First for the former is seen. + Let Girton toast Newnham, and Newnham pledge Girton, + And--let male competitors put a brisk "spurt" on, + Lest when modern Minerva adds learning to grace, + Young Apollo should find himself out of the race! + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration: The Mephistophelian Whistlerian Butterfly "On the +Pounce" at Antwerp.] + +"_The Gentle Art of making Enemies, as pleasantly exemplified in +many instances," &c., &c._ (for full title see the book itself) is, +whatever "_Messieurs les Ennemis_" may think of it, a work of rare +humour. Of course you must first of all be interested in King JAMES +and his subjects,--his principal subject being himself, (and lucky the +man who can _command himself_)--and you must wish to know the story of +his rights and wrongs; then this interest and desire being taken for +granted, the book of the butterfly is a thing of beauty and a joy for +now and ever. The heads are epigrammatic and the tails sprightly, and +both eminently characteristic, for the heads tell their own tales, and +the tails in tadpolian scheme are the outcome of the heads. Most +of the waggery is in these tailpieces, which, one and all of them, +represent the real Whistlerian spirit, "the Familiar" of ETCHER JAMES, +that is the Demoniacal Butterfly "in various aspics," as Mrs. MALAPROP +might say. Does the Butterfly's Master address "_Messieurs les +Ennemis_," the Familiar Spirit is all politeness, with head down and +wings outstretched saluting before coming to "on guard." Does Master +"rid himself of the friendship of the many?"--the little Demon shakes +a reef out of his tail and flies upwards, to return after a short +flight of fancy. On occasions when Master has been reflecting +comically and satirically on some of his attackers, or on his +detractors, the volatile Imp literally shakes his sides with +uncontrollable laughter, and can't stand upright for very mirth. The +famous "Ten o'clock" which has been immortalised by _Mr. Punch_ as +the "Ten-and-sixpenny o'clock," in consequence of the tickets being +half-a-guinea apiece, is here reprinted. PROSPERO WHISTLER packs up +his bag of tricks, buries his wand, makes his bow with a little speech +at a testimonial dinner given to him by his friends, and the Familiar +Demon Butterfly, free at last, darts into space, leaves "Finis" +below,--then, you turn over the page, all is blank,--Magician and +Familiar have vanished! + +DAVID STOTT, not of Oldham, but of Oxford Street, publishes dainty +little pocket volumes, and here is one yclept _Essays or Counsels of +Francis Bacon_. "Put it in the bag!" says the Baron, "and let it be my +travelling companion, so that, whenever I want refreshment I may feed +on BACON, that many-sided philosopher." It is a wonderfully handy +volume, tastefully and substantially bound, and its type of the very +clearest. Much-occupied men, who can only snatch here a moment and +there a moment for reading, ought to be grateful to the inventors +and the publishers of all handy books, meaning, says the Baron, books +which are really handy, and which, without destroying the natural +elegance of your figure or the set of your garments, you can carry +comfortably and imperceptibly in your tail coat pocket. + +_Notes from the News._ By JAMES PAYN. (CHATTO AND WINDUS.) Notes on +passing events of all sorts, spiced with capital stories, which +will indeed be a big capital to be drawn upon by the dining-out +_raconteur_,--the only thing against his present success being that +most persons will have read these stories in _The Illustrated London +News_ or in this volume. It is a book for the weary work-all-day man +to dip into, and to come out of it again refreshed. When in doubt as +to what light reading to take up, the Baron advises, "Take PAYN'S." + + BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + +P.S.--My faithful "Co." has been revelling in the Summer Holiday +Number of _All The Year Round_, which consists of a complete story +entitled, _A Mist of Error_, by MARY ANGELA DICKENS. The authoress is +the granddaughter of the great novelist, and the daughter of his son, +the most popular of editors, and the best of good fellows. My "Co." +reports, that the novelette is full of promise, and is a proof that +literary genius is hereditary. Interesting from the first page to the +last, _A Mist of Error_, in spite of its title, is never suggestive +of a fog. My faithful "Co." is also delighted with _Men of the Time +Birthday Book_, compiled by Mr. J. F. BOYES, F.S.A.--a charming little +Volume that everyone will be proud to possess. He prophesies that it +will be one of the most popular of Birthday Books, and congratulates +its compiler on the production of a work of distinct historical value. + + * * * * * + +A GREAT GUNN. + + [GUNN, the great Notts' Batsman, playing for the Players of + England against the Australians at Lords, on June 19 and 20, + made 228 runs, the highest individual score ever made in this + country against the Australians.] + + SUCH calm, graceful batting, of funk as defiant, + As proof against flurry, deserved the crowd's roar. + 'Twas Cricket, indeed, when the Nottingham Giant, + Against the best batting, piled up that huge score; + And the crowd as they watched him smite, play, block, or run, + Could grasp the full meaning of "Sure as a GUNN!" + + * * * * * + +ROBERT AT THE LEATHERSELLERS'. + +WE had been so preshus busy at "the Grand Hotel" lately, that I hadn't +seen werry much of my deer old Citty, but larst week I was arsked for +to go and offishyate there at the jolly Leathersellers Company's Grand +Dinner, as they was about to have a very distangy Party including one +of our most sellybrated Hartist's, who's that poplar that ewerybody +calls him 'ARRY instead of 'ENERY, as must in course have been the +name as his godmothers and godfathers gav him when he was quite young +and had his fust taste of a cold Bath, and most probberbly didn't like +it. + +So I went accordingly, and a werry scrumpshus Bankwet they had, +includin them trewly Royal luxeries '80 Shampane and '47 Port! Ah! +what a thing it must be to be a Royal or a Nobel persson, and to live +on all the Fat of the Land, and wash it all down with nothink yunger +than '80 shampain and '47 Port! And no matter where you gos, or +weather it's to lay down a Fust Stone, or to Hopen a Hexibishun, or to +take a Chair at a nobel Charity Dinner, there it is all reddy for you, +and a hole crowd of Peeple a watching you a eating and a drinking of +'em, and a thanking you artily for taking the trubble of doing so! Ah! +I sumtimes werrily beleeves as that my nateral tastes tells me as I +was horiginally hintended for sum such useful life myself! + +Well, arter the Bankwet of course we had all the reglar gushing +speeches, and werry bewtifool but rather lengthy they was, but +presently a sumthink appened as more estonished me praps than anythink +as has appened to me for some time past. + +The hartistick and poplar Gent as ewerybody calls ARRY FURNACE +was called upon to return thanks for Hart, when to my intense +estonishment, and ewerybody else's emusement, he acshally said as how +as his frend "ROBERT," seeing how garstly pale he turned when he was +told wot he wood have to do, had writ down for him 6 lines of most +bewtifool Poetry, which he at wunce proceeded to recite, and sat down +amid enthusiastick cheers and shouts of larfter! Seeing my look of +puzzled surprise, he kindly turned round to me and said, "Look here, +ROBERT, as I've rather taken a libberty with your honnerd name, +I'll repay you by taking another with your well-known features," and +borrowing a bewtifool pencil of me, that I had bort the day before for +a penny, he acshally sketched three likenesses of me in his Book of +the Songs, and giving it to me, said, with his merry laugh. "There, I +hope that will console you for my bit of harmless fun;" and from what +I was offered for my three sketches when I showed 'em about, after he +was gone, I thinks, that upon the whole, I got a werry good share of +the larf on my own side of the mouth. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRYING POSITION OF AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. + +HE DETERMINES TO TRY THE AUTOMATIC PHOTOGRAPHING MACHINE, THE STATION +BEING EMPTY. TO HIS DISMAY A CROWD HAS GATHERED, AND WATCHES THE +OPERATION.] + + * * * * * + +AN IDEAL INTERVIEWER. + +SCENE--_Den of latest Lion._ + +_Latest Lion (perusing card with no visible signs of gratification.)_ +Confound it! don't remember telling the Editor of _Park Lane_ I'd +let myself be interviewed. Suppose I must have, though. (_Aloud to_ +Servant, _who is waiting_.) You can show the Gentleman up. + +_Servant (returning)._ Mr. WALSINGHAM JERMYN! + +[_A youthful Gentleman is shown in; he wears a pink-striped +shirt-front, an enormous button-hole, and a woolly frock-coat, and is +altogether most expensively and fashionably attired, which, however, +does not prevent him from appearing somewhat out of countenance after +taking a seat._ + +_The L. L. (encouragingly)._ I presume, Mr. JERMYN, you're here to +ask me some questions about the future of the British East African +Company, and the duty of the Government in the matter? + +_Mr. Jermyn (gratefully)._ Er--yes, that's what I've come about, don't +you know--that sort of thing. Fact is (_with a burst of confidence_), +this isn't exactly my line--I've been rather let in for this. You see, +I've not been by way of doin' this long--but what's a fellow to do +when he's stony-broke? Got to do _somethin_', don't you know. So I +thought I'd go in for journalism--I don't mean the drudgery of it, +leader-writin' and that--but the light part of it, _Society_, you +know. But the other day, man who does the interviews for _Park Lane_ +(that's the paper I'm on) jacked up all of a sudden, and my Editor +said I'd better take on his work for a bit, and see what I made of it. +I wasn't particular. You see, I've always been rather a dead hand at +drawin' fellows out, leadin' them on, you know, and all that, so I +knew it would come easy enough to me, for all you've got to do is +to sit tight and let the other chap--I mean to say, the man +you're interviewin'--do all the talking, while you--I mean to say, +myself--keep, keeps--hullo, I'm getting my grammar a bit mixed; +however, it don't signify--_I_ keep quiet and use my eyes and ears +like blazes. Talking of grammar, I thought when I first started that +I should get in a regular hat over the grammar, and the spellin', and +that--_you_ write, don't you, when you're not travellin'? So you know +what a grind it is to spell right. But I soon found they kept a Johnny +at the office with nothing to do but put all your mistakes right for +you, so, soon as I knew that, I went ahead gaily. + +_The L. L._ Exactly, and now, perhaps, you will let me know what +particular information you require? + +_Mr. J._ Oh, _you_ know the sort of thing the public likes--they'll +want to know what sort of diggings you've got, how you dress when +you're at home, and all that, how you write your books, now--you +do write books, don't you? Thought so. Well, that's what the public +likes. You see, your name's a good deal up just now--no humbug, it +_is_ though! Between ourselves, you know, I think the whole business +is the balliest kind of rot, but they've got to have it, so there you +are, don't you see. I don't pretend to be a well-read sort of fellow, +never was particularly fond of readin' and that; no time for it, and +besides, I've always said _Books_ don't teach you knowledge of the +world. I know the world fairly well--but I didn't learn it from +books--ah, you agree with me there--_you_ know what skittles all that +talk is about education and that. Well, as I was sayin', I don't read +much, I see the _Field_ every week, and a clinkin' good paper it is, +tells you everythin' worth knowin', and I read the _Pink Un_, too. Do +you know any of the fellows on it? Man I know is a great friend of one +of them, he's going to introduce me some day, I like knowin' literary +chaps, don't you? You've been about a good deal, haven't you? I expect +you must have seen a lot, travellin' as you do. I've done a little +travellin' myself, been to Monte Carlo, you know, and the Channel +Islands--_you_ ever been to the Channel Islands? Oh, you ought to go, +it's a very cheery place. Talkin' of Monte Carlo, I had a rattlin' +good time at the tables there; took out a hundred quid, determined +I would have a downright good flutter, and Jove! I made that hundred +last me over five days, and came away in nothing but my lawn-tennis +flannels. That's what I _call_ a flutter, don't you know! Er--beastly +weather we're havin'! You have pretty good weather where you've been? +A young brother of mine has been out for a year in Texas--he said +_he_'d very good weather--of course that's some way off where _you_'ve +come from--Central Africa, isn't it? Talkin' of my brother, what do +you think the young ass did?--went out there with a thousand pounds, +and paid it all down to some sportsmen who took him to see some stock +they said belonged to them--of course he found out after they'd off'd +it that they didn't own a white mouse among 'em! But then, DICK'S one +of those chaps, you know, that think themselves so uncommon knowing, +they _can't_ be had. I always told him he'd be taken in someday if he +let his tongue wag so much--too fond of hearing himself talk, don't +you know, great mistake for a young fellow; sure to say somethin' +you'd better have let alone. I suppose you're getting rather sick +of all these banquets, receptions, and that? They do you very well, +certainly. I went to one of these Company dinners some time ago, and +they did me as well as I've ever been done in my life, but when +you've got to sit still afterwards and listen to some chap who's been +somewhere and done somethin' jawin' about it by the hour together +without a check, why, it's not _good_ enough, I'm hanged if it is! +Well, I'm afraid I can't stay any longer--my time's valuable now, +don't you know. I daresay yours is, too. I'm awfully glad to have had +a chat with you, and all that. I expect you could tell me a lot more +interesting things, only of course you've got to keep the best of 'em +to put in your book--you _are_ writin' a book or somethin', ain't you? +Such heaps of fellows are writin' books nowadays, the wonder is how +any of 'em get read. I shall try and get a look at yours, though, if +I come across it anywhere; hope you'll put some amusin' things +in,--nigger stories and that, don't make it too bally scientific, you +know. Directly I get back, I shall sit down, slick off, and write out +all you've told me. I shan't want any notes, I can carry it all in my +head, and of course I shan't put in anything you'd rather I didn't, +don't you know. + +_The L. L. (solemnly)._ Mr. JERMYN, I place implicit confidence in +your discretion. I have no doubt whatever that your head, Sir, is more +than capable of containing such remarks as I have found it necessary +to make in the course of our interview. I like your system of +extracting information, Sir, very much. Good morning. + +_Mr. Jermyn (outside)._ Nice pleasant-spoken fellow--trifle +long-winded, though! Gad, I was so busy listenin' I forgot to notice +what his rooms were like or anythin'! How would it do to go back? No, +too much of a grind. Daresay I can manage to fox up somethin'. I shall +tell the Chief what he said about my system. Chief don't quite know +what I _can_ do yet--this will open his eyes a bit. + +[_And it does._ + + * * * * * + +THE HARE APPARENT.--I forgot to record last week that Saturday, the +14th, was the hundredth night of the _Pair of Spectacles_, and the +silver wedding of Mr. HARE'S stage career. The occasion was celebrated +at the Garrick with a supper given by Mr. HARE to old friends and +comrades. It was an illustration of "_The Hare and many Friends_," +only it wasn't a fable--it was a fact. As closely associated with HARE +at various dinner-tables, I beg to sign myself, + + CURRENTE JELLI CALAMO. + + * * * * * + +-->NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + + + + +[Illustration: INDEX] + + AFTER "The May," 297 + + After the Review, 174 + + All for the Sake of the Army, 98 + + All in Play, 229 + + Among the Amateurs, 11, 25, 52 + + "Ana," 37 + + Another "Competitive," 96 + + Another of Robert's Xstrornerry Adwenturs, 99 + + Another Title for the Guide to the Exhibition at the New Gallery, 27 + + Answers to Correspondents, 9, 13, 57, 65, 169 + + 'Arry on Equality, 85 + + Art of Blacking Boots (The), 264 + + "Ask a P'liceman!" 291 + + Ask a White Man! 280 + + Astral Complication (An), 117 + + At his Mayerjesty's, 293 + + At Sea in an Easter Egg-shell, 170 + + At the Porte St. Martin, 33 + + Au Revoir! 73 + + Autocrat (The), 254 + + Avenue Theatre, 89 + + BABE o' Grace (A), 186 + + "Baby Bung," 234 + + Back to Backs, 291 + + Ballad of Evil Speed (A), 3 + + Ballad of the Earl's Breeks (The), 273 + + Basta, Faster! 169 + + Beer, 268 + + "Big Gun!" (The), 114 + + Bitter Cry of the London Rider Haggard and Jaded, 268 + + Boat-Race Vision (A), 147 + + "Britons never will be Slaves!" 54 + + Buffalo Bill and Leo Pope, 124 + + Bullying poor "Bully," 202 + + Burglar's Back (The), 138 + + Busy (J.) B. (The), 2 + + CALLS for the Public Prosecutor? 47 + + Captain of the "Paris" (The). 63 + + Chant for the College of Surgeons (A), 185 + + Chapter of Dickens up to Date (A), 244 + + Charles the First, 243 + + Children's Fancy Dress Ball (The), 201 + + Comic Slaughter, 136 + + Coming Big Bore (A), 35 + + Conversation Manual, 233 + + "Counting the Chicks," 42 + + "Country and Duty," 258 + + Court Napping, 213 + + Covent Gardening Prospects, 135 + + Cry of the City Children (The), 123 + + Curious Cure (A), 28 + + "Cut off the Joint" (A), 186 + + DARES and Entellus, 14 + + Daubigny in Bond Street, 102 + + Derby Disappointments, 270 + + Developing Hawarden, 277 + + Diag-nose-is of Wine (A), 97 + + Diana at Dinner, 303 + + Diary of a Jolly Party, 47 + + Disclaimer (A), 113 + + Ditty of the Dagger (The), 38 + + Divorce Shop (The), 18 + + "Dose of 'Gregory'" (A), 113 + + "Dot and go One," 5 + + "Doubtful!" 270 + + Dropping the Pilot, 155 + + Dunraven, 162 + + EARLY Green Peas, 264 + + East-ern Art in Bond Street, 117 + + Echo from the Lane (An), 201 + + Eight Hours Only, 217 + + Elcho Answers, 282 + + "Embarrassing!" 267 + + "English, you know, quite English," 137 + + Epidemiological, 63 + + Essence of Parliament, 83, 94, 106, 112, 131, 143, 155, 167, 178, + 204, 216, 227, 232, 252, 256, 287, 292, 304 + + Eventful Week (An), 111 + + Exchelsior! 274 + + Exit in Fumo, 186 + + FABLE, for Fanatics (A), 203 + + Farthing Novel Series (The), 105 + + Fifty Years of Railway Progress, 96 + + Finishing Touch (The), 66 + + First Appearance of the Swiss-Back Railway, 183 + + First Fight (The), 231 + + First Roze of Summer (The), 255 + + "Fishing Interrogatory" (A), 165 + + "Fish out of Water" at Greenwich, 50 + + Five o'clock Tea Bonnet Company, 264 + + For the Sake of the Empire, 41 + + "For this Relief, much thanks!" 147 + + Fortunate and Economical, 101 + + French Gallery (The), 159 + + From the Zoo, 87 + + GHOSTLESS Boston, 101 + + "Gift Horse" (The), 162 + + "Given away with a Pound of Tea!" 306 + + Going too Fast, 303 + + Gold tipped Cigarettes, 72 + + "Good Old Grace!" 277 + + Grand Old Billee, 111 + + Grand Old Hat (The), 137 + + Grandolph Goodfellow, 218 + + "Grandolpho Furioso!" 138 + + Grandolph's Latest, 102 + + Grandolph's Logic, 184 + + Great Gunn (A), 309 + + Great Lincoln Trial Stakes (The), 119 + + "Grenadiers to the Front!" 125 + + HARE Apparent (The), 310 + + "Harlowe there!" 123 + + Harmless Ghost, 287 + + Harrow or Hanver? 306 + + He can't Alp it! 138 + + "Her Majesty's Opposition," 17 + + Historical Parallels, 6 + + Holiday Catechism, 25, 37 + + How I Welcomed Stanley, 215 + + How to make the Most of it, 75 + + How to Meet it, 53 + + How we do Business now, 133 + + Hypnotic High Feeding, 202 + + IDEAL Interviewer (An), 310 + + "I'll call thee Hamlet," 135 + + Imperial Socialist (The), 74, 158 + + Incantation Scene (The), 90 + + Interesting Novelty, 195 + + In the Know, 184, 201, 215, 217, 229, 251, 263, 267, 279, 305 + + In the Lane, 181 + + In the Name of Charity--Go to Prison! 49 + + "In the Name of the Law!" 201 + + Irish Question in Bond Street (The), 35 + + JAPANESE Belle (A), 17 + + "Johnnykin and the Goblings," 89 + + Journal of a Rolling Stone, 1 + + Jubalee Performance (A), 123 + + Jubilee of the Penny Post (The), 28 + + Justice at High Pressure, 16 + + Justiss for the Pore, 133 + + "Just to oblige Benson," 3 + + KICKED, 41, 63, 69, 77 + + "Killaloe Dam Gone," 23 + + Killing for a Shilling, 83 + + L'ABBE In-Constantin Parsonified, 185 + + Ladies' Year (The), 309 + + Last Charge of the Light Brigade (The), 196 + + Last of the Bacilli (The), 220 + + Law and the Liver (The), 195 + + Learning by Art, 173 + + Le Kick-balle Fight, 105 + + "Le Kicke-Ball in France," 129 + + L'Enfant Terrible! 222 + + Le 'Ockey Stick-Balle Fight, 294 + + "Le Petit Duc," 86 + + "Le Sport" in Bouverie Street, 161 + + Lines on the Labour Conference, 137 + + Lion's Diary (The), 17 + + Little Duc and his Big Bill (The), 119 + + London County Council and the Lyceum Theatre (The), 109 + + London for the Londoners, 30 + + Look at Home, 186 + + Luxury of Pantomime (The), 65 + + MADAME Diogenes, 134 + + Master Singers, 120 + + "May Fare Work!" 141 + + Measures and Men, 221 + + Menu-Betting, 61 + + Mid-day Meal-lennium (A), 261 + + Mid-Winter Night's Dream (A), 12 + + Modern Cornelia (The), 299 + + Modern Hercules and the Pygmies (The), 230 + + Modern Types, 89, 101, 120, 124, 136, 148, 160, 177, 192, 208, + 220, 249, 285, 301 + + "Montagu! a Montagu!" (A), 24 + + More about Talleyrand, 275 + + More Glory, 57 + + "More Light!" 51 + + More Masquerading, 287 + + More Novelties, 208 + + More to Follow, 126 + + Mr. Gladstone's Letters, 65 + + Mr. Punch's Dictionary of Phrases, 141, 148, 157, 173, 191, 196, + 206, 218, 238, 255, 276, 280, 291, 301 + + Mr. Punch's Moral Music-Hall Dramas, 4, 24, 60, 64, 76, 88, 100, + 121, 145, 193, 205, 241 + + Mr. Punch's Proverbs up to date, 213 + + Musical Anticipation (A), 30 + + Musical Notes, 167 + + Muzzled and Puzzled, 26 + + "My Curate," 157 + + Mystic Letters (The), 23 + + My Tailor, 117 + + NAVAL Intelligence, 171 + + Nellie at the Sodgeries, 244 + + Nell of Chelsea (The), 225 + + New Amazon (The), 143 + + New Dance of Death (The), 206 + + New Gallery Novelties, 238 + + New Tune (The), 62 + + North Walls (The), 13 + + Notes "in Globo," 114 + + Nothing New, 18 + + "Not such a Fool as he Looks," 246 + + Novel Advice from Lincolnshire, 177 + + Novel with a Purpose (A). 276 + + "Nuts" for the Coal Trade, 225 + + ODE on a Black Ball, 137 + + Odds on the Bed makers, 221 + + Old Bond Street Galleries (The), 156 + + Old Colds for New, 33 + + Old Friends and Counsel, 114 + + Old, Old Story (The), 39 + + Old Times Revived, 196 + + Omnibusiness, 131 + + One Too Many for Him, 294 + + Only Remedy (The), 183 + + On the Spot, 277 + + On the Swoop! 196 + + Opera-goer's Diary (The), 213, 257, 269, 281, 293, 305 + + "O rare 'Ben'!" 143 + + Oar Advertisers, 161, 189, 229 + + Our Booking-Office, 10, 16, 57, 63, 75, 93, 102, 111, 125, 141, + 165, 173, 189, 203, 210, 221, 231, 249, 262, 276, 293, 309 + + Our New Duke, 261 + + Our Turn Now, 49 + + Out and About, 250 + + PAGE from a Diary (A), 51 + + Page from an Imperial Note-book (A), 160 + + Parliamentary Intelligence, 2 + + Patient at Play (The), 244 + + Penalties of Greatness (The), 173 + + Pick of the Pictures (The), 226 + + Pictures in the Haymarket, 137 + + Pilferer (The), 36 + + Pint of it (The), 124 + + Piping Times for the Empire, 137 + + (Pitched) Outing (A), 171 + + "Place aux Dames!" 289 + + Plain English! 30 + + Playing Dark, 153 + + Play-time, 161 + + Pleasure-Seeker's Vade Mecum (The), 257 + + Police Fun, 180 + + Premier's Power (The), 78 + + Primrose's Peep-Show, 218 + + Prince "Starring" at Poole (The), 41 + + "Promise of May" (The), 207 + + "Propria quæ Maribus," 137 + + Put this in your Pipe, 165 + + "Putting his Nose out of Joint," 110 + + Puzzles for the New Year, 23 + + QUESTION of Parentage, 129 + + Quite a Little Banc(roft) Holiday, 255 + + RAILWAY Unpunctuality Report, 268 + + Ratepayer's Reply (A), 148 + + Rather Shifty, 297 + + Recking the Rede Lecture, 297 + + Resolutions for the Cosmopolitan Labour Meeting, 206 + + Retiring Young Man (A), 122 + + Revised Version. "In Globo," 126 + + "Richardson's Show" and a "Bill of the Play," 84 + + Riviera in Bond Street (The), 54 + + Robert at Guildhall, 261 + + Robert at the Leathersellers', 309 + + Robert on Good Old Krismus, 16 + + Robert on the Boat-Race, 153 + + Robert's Commishuns, 172 + + Robert's Companions, 81 + + Robert's Krismus Him, 6 + + Robert's Little Hollerday, 192 + + Robert Trihumfunt! 162 + + Rooky Walker! 184 + + Root of the Matter (The), 85, 165 + + Rose-Water Cure (The), 242 + + Royal Academy Banquet (The), 222 + + Royal Berkshire, 87 + + Royal Society of Painters in Water-Colours, 194 + + Rum Customer (A), 245 + + Russian Art, 5 + + "SALUTE;" or, Taking Distance (The), 78 + + Saturday Series (A), 119 + + Savoyards (The), 5 + + School-Board before the End of the Century (The), 288 + + "Scots wha hae," 219 + + Set down for Trial, 39 + + Shaftesbury Song (A), 267 + + Shall Women Smoke? 42 + + Shooting Arrows at a Song, 87 + + Short Mathematical Paper, 263 + + Short Song in Season (A), 203 + + Shrewing of the Tame (The), 53 + + Signs of the Season, 180 + + Slaps for Slippers, 27 + + "Society for the Study of Inebriety" (A), 181 + + Something like a Dinner, 84 + + Song for Mr. Stansfeld, M.P., 108 + + Song Sentimentiana, 125, 105, 183, 243 + + Song with Words (A), 189 + + Sounds of the Streets, 45 + + South-Eastern Alphabet (The), 61 + + Spectacular, 143 + + "Speed the Parting," 37 + + Sporting Correspondent (A), 21 + + Stanley Africanus! 210 + + Stanley and African Exhibition (The), 113 + + Stanzas to Rhubarb, 135 + + Startling for Gourmets, 61 + + Start (The), 6 + + Statesmen at Home, 21, 48, 72 + + Street Music, 42 + + Striking Home, 146 + + Study for the Pelican Club, 53 + + Suggestion from Pump-handle Court (A), 169 + + "Sweet--Marjorie!" 71 + + Sweet Thing in Criticism (A), 281 + + TAKEN as you Like it, 117 + + Taken from the French Plays, 280 + + Thank Goodness, 126 + + Theatrical Short Service Bill, 209 + + Thoughts on his Wine-Merchant, 191 + + "Three Fishers," 282 + + Tippler's Triumph (The), 195 + + Tips from the Tape, 209 + + To an Old Friend with a New Wig, 66 + + Tommius Etonensis loquitur, 48 + + Topping the Tripos, 280 + + To the New Scribe and Poet, 225 + + Trivial Round (The), 172 + + Two Heads better than One! 180 + + Two Views of the Sodgeries, 233 + + UNCHRISTIAN Caveat (An), 174 + + University Intelligence, 159 + + Unknown Quantity (An), 195 + + Unscientific Dialogue (An), 59 + + Unsought Honour, 30 + + Untiled, 9, 13, 37, 49, 61, 73, 97 + + Useful Warning, 189 + + "VANITY Un-Fair," 37 + + "Venice Preserved" in the Haymarket, 53 + + Very Silly Song (A), 47 + + Voces Populi, 29, 40, 237, 253, 265, 300 + + WARE Brummagem! 234 + + Way to the Temple (The), 159 + + Way we shall Live soon (The), 305 + + Week by Week, 213, 228, 240, 245, 263, 273, 279, 289, 303 + + Where Marriages are Made, 167 + + White Slave (A), 289 + + Winter at Burlington House, 18 + + "Will he get through?" 278 + + Work for the Holidays, 15 + + YET another Quarterly, 208 + + + + +LARGE ENGRAVINGS. + + After the Review, 175 + + "Baby Bung," 235 + + "Big Gun!" (The), 115 + + "Counting the Chicks!" 43 + + "Country and Duty," 259 + + "Cut off the Joint" (A), 187 + + Divorce Shop (The), 19 + + "Doubtful!" 271 + + Dropping the Pilot, 150, 151 + + Finishing Touch (The), 67 + + Foreign Fox (The), 55 + + "Gift Horse" (The), 163 + + "Given away with a Pound of Tea!" 307 + + "Grandolpho Furioso!" 139 + + Grandolph's Latest, 103 + + "Incantation" (The), 91 + + L'Enfant Terrible! 223 + + "Not such a Fool as he looks!" 247 + + One Too Many for Him, 295 + + On the Swoop! 198, 199 + + Plain English! 31 + + "Salute!" or, Taking his Measure (The), 79 + + Stanley Africanus! 211 + + Start (The), 7 + + Thank Goodness!!! 127 + + "Three Fishers," 283 + + + + +SMALL ENGRAVINGS. + + ÆSTHETIC Party in Furnished House, 246 + + Allsopp's Bitter and Shareholder, 98 + + Amateur Banjoist and Friend, 15 + + Amateur Tenor and Sarcastic Friend, 123 + + American "Pistol" (The), 245 + + Attack on a Mail Coach, 196 + + Author's Heavy Book (An), 27 + + Automatic Arbitration, 237 + + Barberesses at Work, 186 + + Bismarck's Last Appearance, 122 + + Blindfolded Russian Emperor, 254 + + Boulanger's New Tune, 62 + + Brigand Bullfinch (The), 202 + + Brighton Bath-chairman's Quiet Route (A), 189 + + Bull and the Frog (The), 50 + + 'Bus Conductor's Important Passenger (A), 207 + + Butcher's Boy and the "Meet," 6 + + Butterfly-collecting in East Africa, 263 + + Cabby's Fare paid in Small Coin, 261 + + Cab-Runners after a Hansom, 210 + + Caledonia's Electric Light, 219 + + Catholic Priest and Schoolboys, 135 + + Chaplin and the Kentish Dogs, 26 + + Cheap Horse at a Fair (A), 225 + + Colonel M'Whuskey's Epidemic, 75 + + Colonial Friend goes Hunting (A), 129 + + Cook who wants Execution (A), 282 + + Country Editor's Salmon (A), 95 + + Country M.P.'s Summons to Duty, 70 + + Cow in Drury Lane Pantomime, 28 + + Cross-examining a Lady, 125 + + Curate and Schoolboys' Class, 203 + + Cyclist Judges on Circuit, 201 + + Dismounted Steeple-chaser's Friend, 243 + + Distinguished Colonists in London, 206 + + Doctor Cockshure's Travelled Patient, 63 + + Dressing for her own Dance, 42 + + Effect of Low Stable on Horse's Knees, 184 + + Electric Tramway in the Commons, 178 + + Emperor and Socialist Workman, 158 + + Engineering, little Tour Eiffel, and Forth + Bridge, 110 + + Exchanging Hats with a Scarecrow, 253 + + Exhibits at the "Silk" Exhibition, 268 + + Famous Pictures Leaving the Country, 46 + + Fancy Portrait of My Laundress, 137 + + Fasting Man and the Starving Man, 221 + + Flattening a Bonnet, 294 + + Flight of the Demon Influenza, 38 + + Frenchman's Stay in London (A), 303 + + French Peasant with Influenza, 40 + + Grand Old Hypnotiser at St. Stephen's, 286 + + Grand Old Undergrad (The), 58 + + Grandolph Puck at Sea in Egg-shell, 170 + + Great Lincoln Trial in a Fog, 118 + + Greedy Boy at the School Feast, 155 + + Groom waiting at Tea, 23 + + Grosvenor Gallery Pictures, 262, 274 + + Guardsman and Nursemaids' Group, 287 + + Hearty Luncher going to see Succi, 183 + + High Sleeves for both Sexes, 162 + + Home Secretary and Mr. Punch, 182 + + Home Secretary and the Policeman, 290 + + Horse refuses to Jump over Water, 45 + + House of Ciphers (A), 130 + + House of Commons all Sixes and Sevens (The), 142 + + House of Commons from Toby's Box, 154 + + How to Avoid giving a Dinner Party, 157 + + Hunters shod with Snow Shoes, 10 + + Hunting Gent and Rustics, 93 + + Imperial Socialist (The), 74 + + Infant Prodigies' Concert (An), 174 + + Inquiring Visitor and Footman, 131 + + Insured Children, 299 + + John Bull's New Year's Dream, 2 + + Jones to take Miss B. in to Supper, 102 + + Kent Coal Hole (The), 108 + + Lady Artist and Small Rustic, 83 + + Lady's Hair-Dagger (A), 215 + + Lady's well-preserved Good Looks (A), 126 + + Laura's Honeymoon Trip, 270 + + Legend of the Briar-root, 209 + + Little Duke with the Tricolor (The), 86 + + Lively Piece of Cheese (A), 35 + + Madame Diogenes, 134 + + Mariar Ann's Visit to a Fine House, 258 + + Marrying to go to the Paris Exhibition, 87 + + Maxims for the Bar, 133, 156, 169, 217, 277 + + Medicinal Refreshments, 51 + + M.F.H.'s Opinion of Jenkinson's Horse, 33 + + Money Market recovers from Tightness, 73 + + Mr. Hare in a New Pair of Spectacles, 97 + + Mr. M'Sawney and his Dance-card, 78 + + Mr. Punch and the Coal-Miner, 146 + + Mr. Punch and Tom Sayer's Shade, 14 + + Mr. Punch's Grand "Old Masters," 34 + + Near-sighted Man and Lady's Bonnet, 52 + + Neighbour and a Bore (A), 18 + + New Gallery Pictures, 238 + + New German Rifle (The), 65 + + Not Bleeding with the Lancet, 47 + + Old Gentleman and the Automatic Photographic Machine, 310 + + "Only a Face at a Window!" 138 + + Our Artist and the Street-Music, 54 + + Our Artist's Reply to Handsome Lady, 167 + + Painter and Musician after Dinner, 143 + + Papa's Description of a Centaur, 275 + + Parliamentary Conversation Cages, 106 + + Parliamentary Golf-Links, 190 + + Parnell rejects Balfour's Bill, 194 + + Pat and his Boycotted Landlord, 71 + + Photographing a Stern-looking Lady, 234 + + Poor Children's Pantomime (The), 22 + + Professor Tyndall's Portrait of Mr. G., 267 + + Proud Mother's Schoolboy's Expenses, 99 + + Punch's Parliamentary Puppets, 82 + + Quite a Contrast to his Brother, 279 + + "Refreshment for Man and Beast," 306 + + Result of a Horse's Cough, 69 + + Resurrection of Mummified Cats, 81 + + Rival Anecdotists, 291 + + Royal Academy Pictures, 226, 227, 250 + + Sarcastic Hostess and Lady Guest, 66 + + Schoolboy defines Quakers' Speech, 255 + + Schoolmaster and Boy's Arithmetic, 218 + + Scientific Volunteer (The), 85 + + Scotch Deerstalker makes a "Miss," 107 + + Sculpture in Wax, 273 + + Season's Geniuses and Beauties (The), 147 + + Seating all the Commons' Members, 94 + + Seeing the "Apeiary" at the Zoo, 159 + + "Seniora Fawcett," 289 + + "'Shadowing' Members of Parliament," 298 + + Sketch at a Concert (A), 276 + + Small Servant at Registry Office, 11 + + Smith pursued by Opposition Bull, 278 + + Sprinkling Sweaters with Rose-water, 242 + + Stanley besieged by Invitations, 230 + + Stanley introducing East Africa to Lord Salisbury, 266 + + State of the Markets Illustrated, 240 + + Strictly Private Academy View, 214 + + Substance of Shadowed M.P.'s, 302 + + Succi as a Sandwich-Man, 229 + + Suggestions for Pictorial Directory, 240, 261 + + Swell and the Confounded Blacks, 119 + + Swell who is Colour-Blind (A), 90 + + Swell who made an Ass of himself, 114 + + Swell who was Thinking of Nothing, 3 + + "Swopping" Horses, 165 + + Taking an Interest in Criminal Law, 171 + + Tandem Leader and Posts, 297 + + Time's Effect on Celebrities Heads, 166 + + Tommy's Self-Denial in Lent, 191 + + Toole before and after Dinners, &c., 36 + + Training Children as Fasting People, 231 + + Unmuzzling Maud's Terrier, 251 + + Vicar's Wife and the Cracked Globe, 59 + + Volunteers Refreshing at Review, 179 + + Wife of a Man of Genius (The), 195 + + What to do with Our Artist's Pictures, 39 + + Why Goslin admires Miss Travers, 30 + + Why Shoddson's Servants wear Cockades, 222 + +[Illustration: FINIS] + + * * * * * + +LONDON: BRADBURY, AGNEW & CO. LIMITED, WHITEFRIARS. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +98, June 28 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 33526-8.txt or 33526-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/3/5/2/33526/ + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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