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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/33526-8.txt b/33526-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..918b243 --- /dev/null +++ b/33526-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2600 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, +June 28 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, June 28 1890 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: August 24, 2010 [EBook #33526] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOLUME 98, JUNE 28TH 1890 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + + + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_By Mr. Punch's own Type Writer._) + +NO. XIV.--THE LADY FROM CLOUDLAND. + +[Illustration] + +AT intervals of a few years the torpor of London Society is stirred by +the carefully disseminated intelligence that a new planet has begun to +twinkle in the firmament of fashion, and the telescopes of all those +who are in search of novelty are immediately directed to the spot. +Partially dropping metaphor, it may be stated that a hitherto unknown +lady emerges, like the planet, from a cloud under which, as the +envious afterwards declare, the greater part of her previous existence +has been spent. But Society, under the influence of boredom, is +tolerant of new sensations and of those who seek to provide them. +Those who guard its portals are, in these latter days, bidden not +to be over-curious in the inquiries they make of applicants for +admission, and eventually it may come to pass that the approaches +and avenues are opened as readily to one who comes trailing clouds of +obscurity, as to her who shines with the steady lustre of acknowledged +position. + +The Lady from Cloudland soars into the ken of fashion in various +places. Very often she is found for the first time in the little +mock temple which pious worshippers at the shrine of rank build for +themselves on the Riviera. They have their ceremonial closely copied +from the London model. They dance, they receive, they organise +bazaars. They launch out into tea-parties, and grow warm over the +discussion of scandals. They elect unto themselves leaders, and +bow their foreheads to the dust before the golden splendour of an +occasional scion of Royalty; in short, they cling as closely as +foreign skies and foreign associations permit to the observances which +have made English Society pre-eminent in its own respect, and in the +good-natured ridicule of less-favoured nations. But since the majority +of them have come in search of health, they cannot despise or reject +one who qualifies for consideration and interest by suffering, +and who, to the piquancy of an unknown origin, adds the high +recommendation of good looks--which are not too good--of a cheerful +temper, and an easy tact, which can only come of much knowledge of +many worlds. Such a one is the Lady from Cloudland. Many are the +questions asked about her, and even more various are the answers +given. "My dear," one lady will say to another, at the house of a +common friend, where the Lady from Cloudland has become the centre of +a throng of admirers, "I hear, on the very best authority, that her +mother used to sell flowers in the City, and that she herself was for +some years a Circus Rider in America. Whenever I meet her I feel a +dreadful inclination to say _Houp-là!_, instead of, How do you do?" To +which her friend will reply that she, on her side, has been informed +that the lady in question was formerly attached to the conjugal tribe +of an Indian Rajah, and was rescued by a Russian, whom she shortly +afterwards poisoned. They will then both invite her to their next +entertainments, asking her by no means to forget those delightful +Burmese love-ditties which only she can sing as they ought to be sung. + +The Lady from Cloudland, however, does not limit her ambition to the +hybrid Society of the South of France. She intends to make for herself +a position in London, the Mecca of the aspirant, and she proposes +to use those who thus console themselves with spitefulness as +stepping-stones for the attainment of her object. At the beginning of +the following London Season Society will learn, by means of the usual +paragraphs, that "Mrs. So-and-So, whose afternoon party last year +in honour of Prince ---- was one of the most brilliant successes of a +brilliant Riviera Season, has taken the house in May Fair, formerly +occupied by Lord CLANRACKET." The reiteration of this news in many +journals will set tongues wagging in London. Again the same questions +will be asked, and different answers will be returned. In due +course she arrives, she receives and is received, and she conquers. +Henceforward her parties become one of the features of the Season. +In rooms arranged tastefully in an Oriental style, with curtains, +hangings, delicately worked embroideries, woven mats of charming +design and tropical plants, she welcomes the throng who come at her +invitation. She moves by degrees. Contenting herself at first with a +small _chargé d'affaires_ or a Corean plenipotentiary, she soon +rises to a fully fledged Ambassador and a bevy of secretaries and +_attachés_. Her triumph culminates when she secures a deposed monarch +and his consort. She is clever, and knows well that those whom she +seeks to entice will overlook their own ignorance with regard to her +if only they can be certain of being amused and interested in her +house. She, therefore, contrives, without transgressing the higher +_convenances_, to banish all ceremonial stiffness from her parties, +and to import in its place an atmosphere of cheerful gaiety and +musical refinement. For, whatever she may have once been, there can +be no doubt that when London makes her acquaintance she possesses, not +only charming manners, but innumerable accomplishments which are as +salt to the jaded palate of Society people. Thus she progresses from +season to season, and from success to success. + +In her second year she becomes a favoured guest in many country +houses, where an effort is made to relieve the tedium of daily +shooting parties by nightly frivolities. Soon afterwards she is +presented at Court, and becomes herself a patroness to many foreigners +who desire by the exercise of their talents to make a precarious +living in England. By these she is considered to be one of the suns +from which the great world draws its light and warmth. In her third +Season she is sufficiently secure to introduce into Society her +daughter, aged eighteen, who has hitherto (so she will inform her +friends) been receiving a good education abroad. Accompanied by "my +little girl," she may be seen, on fine afternoons, reclining in her +spick and span Victoria, in the midst of the crowd in the Ladies' +Mile. She is thus hedged round with a respectability which not even +indiscreet inquiries after her late husband (for it is understood that +he died and left her in comfort many years before) can disturb. She +permits herself occasionally, it is true, to join _chic_ parties at +fashionable restaurants, but these, since they are often under titled +patronage, can scarcely be considered serious lapses from propriety. +After having herself presented her daughter at Court, and having given +(in London) a party which was attended by Royalty, she is beyond the +reach of cavil or reproach. Here and there a jealous and disappointed +social rival may still mutter dark hints about ancient vagaries, and +meaning looks may still be exchanged by male and female gossips, +but for the great mass of those who frequent Society she is as +irreproachable as though her ancestry for twenty generations had been +set down in the pages of _Burke_ or _Debrett_. Eventually she marries +her daughter to the younger son of an Earl, and having made of the +marriage festivities _the_ great social function of the Season, she +herself soon afterwards retires to some extent from the business of +Society, and devotes herself chiefly to the cultivation of simple +pleasures and hot-house flowers in a luxurious retreat on the banks of +the Thames. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +SOCIAL. + +"_Haven't missed a word you said_;" _i.e._, "Gracious! where was she?" + +"_Not exactly pretty, perhaps, but so nice_;" _i.e._, "As pappy in +character as she is plain in face." + +RAILROAD AMENITIES. + +"_No, thanks; reading in a railway carriage always tries my poor eyes +so_;" _i.e._, "I've better occupation for them just now." + +"_Pardon my drawing the blind; the glare in a railway carriage +always makes my head ache_;" _i.e._, "Shows up my wrinkles and +moustache-dye." + +THEATRICAL. + +"_She is an intelligent and experienced artist_;" _i.e._, Much too old +for the part. + +EFFUSIVE FLATTERY. + +"_Thank you so much for your dear little Book of Poems. I haven't read +them yet, but next time we meet I'll tell you what I think of them_;" +_i.e._, "I hereby make a solemn resolution, if I can possibly help it, +never to meet you again in this life." + +PERFUNCTORY APOLOGY. + +"_I hope I didn't hurt you. I'm sure I beg your pardon_;" _i.e._, +"Stupid fool! Serves you right for sticking out your feet, and +tripping up everybody who happens to stumble on to them." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: REDUCED TO A SHADOW!--Probable Result of Parliamentary +Pressure.] + + * * * * * + +DIANA AT DINNER. + + [On the first page of the prospectus of the + recently-established "Dorothy" Restaurant it is stated that + it is for "Ladies only." On the last page will be found the + following modification:--"At the request of many of the Lady + customers, it has been decided to open the Restaurant from + 6.30 P.M. to 10 P.M. to both Ladies and Gentlemen."] + + THERE was started in London, I mustn't say where, + And, beyond saying lately, I mustn't say when, + A sweet Restaurant, where the sex that is fair + Might attend undisturbed by the presence of men. + + "We are forced to endure you in Park and in Row, + We must bear you unwilling in hansom or 'bus; + But if any stray _here_, they shall meet with a No,-- + So attempt not the haunt that is sacred to Us. + + "Be warned, O intruder, nor venture to lag + When the nymphs of Diana the huntress draw nigh. + Fly, fly from their presence as fleet as a stag. + Lest you meet with the fate of Actæon, and die." + + Thus the Ladies addressed us; the tables were set, + The silver was polished, the viands displayed. + And, like doves in a dove-cote, the customers met, + In a plumage of silks and of muslins arrayed. + + "This is sweet!" said AMANDA. "Delightful!" said JANE. + While the rest in a chorus of "Charming!" combined. + And, declaring they cared not if dishes were plain, + So the men remained absent, they solemnly dined. + + And they toyed with their _entrées_, and sipped their Clicquot, + And their smiles were as sweet as the wine that they drank. + But at last came a whisper--"Oh dear, this is slow!" + "Hush, hush!" said the others. "How dreadfully frank! + + "Not slow; but there's something--I scarcely know what, + An absence, a dulness I cannot define. + It may be the soup, which was not very hot, + Or the roast, or the waiting, the ice, or the wine. + + "But I'm sure there's a something." And so they agreed, + And they formed a Committee to talk of the case. + And a programme was issued for all men to read, + Bidding men (on page one) to abstain from the place. + + But, since it is harder to ban than to bless, + "For their own sakes," they said, "we will humour the men." + If you turn to the last page, you'll find this P.S.:-- + "Men allowed, by desire, from 6.30 to 10." + + * * * * * + +TRUE NOSTALGIA. + +[Illustration: "ULLO! DUBOIS? YOU IN LONDON?" + +"OUI, MON AMI. JE SUIS ARRIVÉ DE PARIS CE MATIN, ET J'Y RETOURNE CE +SOIR PAR LE CLUB-TRAIN!" + +"IS THIS THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE COME TO LONDON?" + +"NON, MON AMI. MAIS C'EST LA PREMIÈRE FOIS QUE J'Y RESTE AUSSI +LONG-TEMPS!"] + + * * * * * + +WEEK BY WEEK. + +IN the course of last week it was universally remarked that the _beau +monde_ betook itself by the usual methods of conveyance to Ascot. +A very smartly-appointed coach, horsed entirely by blue-black +hippogriffs, attracted much attention. The lunches were of more than +ordinary magnificence, and it was calculated that, during the week, +no less than 5,624,907 bottles of champagne were consumed. The +pigeon-pies were, as usual, composed mostly of beef. + + * * * * * + +One charming toilette was the cynosure of neighbouring eyes in the +Enclosure. It was constructed of four gold _galons_, tastefully +distributed on a blue silk ground intended to represent the Lake of +Geneva. This was fringed with _passementerie_ of the most ancient +design, and picked out with minute red spots arranged in geometrical +figures. The bonnet was composed of a single scrap of antique lace +folded over a threepenny bit. + + * * * * * + +H.R.H. the Grand Duke of KATZENJAMMER, who is making a stay of several +weeks in the Metropolis, in order that he may study free institutions +on the spot, has been, we are informed, busily engaged in writing and +answering letters during the past three days. + + * * * * * + +An interesting story, of which His Royal Highness is the hero, is +going the round of the Clubs. It appears that on his arrival at the +hotel in which he has established himself with his suite, the Grand +Duke, whose absence of mind is well known, forgot to remunerate the +cabman who had driven him. This individual, however, with the rudeness +which is still, we regret to say, characteristic of the lower orders +of our fellow countrymen, made repeated applications for his money, +and eventually threatened to call in a policeman or to take out a +summons. On this becoming known to the Grand Duke, he at once gave +orders that the cabman should be ushered into his presence, and, after +presenting him with a paper gulden, invested him then and there with +the order of the Golden Ball, at the same time exclaiming that honesty +and perseverance in humble life were always worthy of commendation. +The cabman is said to have been much moved. In these democratic days, +such instances of princely condescension are not without value. + + * * * * * + +We are requested by the Earl of C-V-NTR-Y to state that he is sick to +death of the whole business, and has eliminated the word "enclosure" +from every dictionary he has been able to lay his hands on. He had +intended at first to admit nobody, but was overruled, and he cannot, +therefore, hold himself responsible for the presence of various people +who seemed to think that they ought to be treated like unseasonable +strawberries, first forced, then exhibited, and then swallowed. + + * * * * * + +An amusing incident is reported from the remote frontier village of +Pusterwitz in Moldavia. A cobbler who had manufactured the boots of +the Burgomaster ventured to submit his bill for payment. The populace, +infuriated by this insult to their beloved Magistrate, after binding +the offender in calf at the local publishing office, proceeded to +slice him into small pieces with their _schneide-messers_ (the +native knife), to the immense delight of a crowd of peasants from the +surrounding districts. The Burgomaster was much touched by this proof +of popular devotion. + + * * * * * + +GOING TOO FAST.--M. ALEXANDRE JACQUES, who is announced as "a rival to +SUCCI," is at this moment dispensing with food at the Royal Aquarium. +He intends carrying out this self-denying programme for two days +beyond a couple of score--possibly as a proof of his fortitude or (as +a Cockney would pronounce the word) "forty-two'd." The last time this +talented person dispensed with sustenance, was in Edinburgh, when he +did not partake of any meal in the Douglas Hotel for thirty days--a +feat, one would think, that must have been more interesting to the +Medical Profession than the proprietor of the hostelry. However, as +M. JACQUES fought for his country in 1870-71, he should be a most +pleasant guest for the next six weeks or so to dinner-givers with a +taste for economy. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, June 16._--"This is something like old +times," said TIM HEALY, briskly rubbing his hands. "Poor JOSEPH +GILLIS! pity he didn't live to see this night." + +[Illustration: At Bay.] + +Very like old times, indeed. Seventy questions on the paper, increased +fourfold by others put arising out of the answer. Practice is for +Irish Members to put question; Prince ARTHUR reads answer from +manuscript supplied from Irish Office; then uprise in succession +half-a-dozen other Irish Members, each asking fresh question. Prince +ARTHUR with one leg crossed over other and hand to chin sits looking +and listening; presently when there is lull, lounges up to table and +makes answer. FERGUSSON looks on in wonder. "What would become of +me," he said, "supposing after I had read out my cut-and-dried answer, +half-a-dozen fellows sprang on my back, and with fists in my face +demanded reply to quite new question. I'm afraid I'd be lost." + +That exceedingly probable. FERGUSSON'S floundering when momentarily +adrift from sheet-anchor of his written reply decidedly painful. +Prince ARTHUR saunters up to very mouth of guns of battery opened on +him from Irish camp; looks straight down them; fires his shot; and +saunters back; often a nasty shot, too; plumps in middle of camp and +sets them all a roaring. This takes place every night. To-night lasted +an hour. Once threatened repetition of scenes of decade after '74. +Would have so happened but for tact and presence of mind of SPEAKER; +cool and collected amid the clash of arms and roar of constant +cannonading. JOHN DILLON standing with folded arms and flashing eyes, +"Like NAPOLEON when he couldn't cross the Alps," said NICHOLAS WOOD, +looking on from a safe distance. + +The SPEAKER also on his feet with stern cry of "Order! Order!" Long +JOHN O'CONNOR sitting on Bench below, darting straight up and down, +with swift regular movement, for all the world like the piston of a +steam-engine. Ministerialists bellowing in continuous roar at JOHN +DILLON, still on his feet; uprises JOHN O'CONNOR with intent to +offer observation; roar redoubled; reaches demoniac proportions; JOHN +O'CONNOR plops down again; noise partially subsides; suddenly the +piston discovered bolt upright; another roar; down it goes; all the +while the SPEAKER crying aloud for "Order!" and JOHN DILLON standing +with fiercer frown and arms more tightly folded. + +"What was it NAPOLEON said when he couldn't cross the Alps?" NICHOLAS +whispered, tremulously. "'If the Alps won't come to MAHOMET, MAHOMET +must go to the Alps.' No, I don't think it was quite that; but was +something to that effect; and I'm sure something will happen if DILLON +doesn't sit down." + +Just when matters reaching crisis, DILLON gave way; the piston on +the bench below simultaneously ceased its action; and the SPEAKER, in +quiet, grave tones, that had immediately soothing effect, suggested +that, if any more information was required, it should be sought in the +usual way, by Questions placed on the Paper. JOHNSTON o' Ballykilbeg, +who had overheard GILL incidentally allude to Prince ARTHUR as prone +to untruth, wanted the SPEAKER to take notice of irregularity. But +SPEAKER judiciously deaf. As for JOHN O'CONNOR, glad of a little rest. + +"All I wanted, TOBY," he explained, "was to hurl the word 'Crime' in +BALFOUR'S teeth." + +"Exactly," I said; "nothing more natural or desirable. But you should +tone down the tendency towards the steam-engine-piston action, for +which, I do not deny, you possess some natural advantages." + +_Business done._--In Committee on Compensation Bill. + +_Tuesday._--"What's this I hear about Heligoland?" says NICHOLAS WOOD. +Hardly knew him; so changed. A dull, heavy look faded over his usually +mobile countenance; his svelte figure puffed out, and bent. "Only +fortnight ago, SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE proposed to give up +Heligoland; barter it for a case of German Sausages, says he. +FERGUSSON very properly angry; me and other good Tories protested +against this new Separatist policy. Couldn't find Heligoland on the +map." + +"Ha!" I say, "but Germany has found it, and taken it, and the MARKISS +is willin'." + +"Very odd," says NICHOLAS; "can't make it out; like a thing out of a +play; never go to a play, you know, but understand this sort of thing +is somehow done: first you see it, then you don't; Heligoland British +territory; to be sacrificed only with last drop of blood; Radical +Separatists rapped on knuckles for suggesting handing over; then we +wake up, and find it's been handed over, and by the MARKISS! Tell you +what it is, TOBY, think I shall cut this business; not brought up to +politics; find them a little weakening." + +[Illustration: The Ladies' Man.] + +OLD MORALITY announced programme for remainder of Session. In bulk +something exceeding ordinary programme when brought in in February. +Now it is the so-called June; every prospect of sitting till October; +House groans and growls; terrible charges flying round; WINTERBOTHAM +darkly accuses Cabinet Minister of keeping a public-house. HICKS-BEACH +admits soft impeachment, but pleads it's "only a little one, brings +me in only £20 a-year rent." "Miserable!" says NEWNES, who owns _Tit +Bits_. + +General feeling of sympathy with BEACH. WINTERBOTHAM apologises; if +he'd known it was only £20 wouldn't have said anything. OLD MORALITY, +in his kind way, presses BEACH'S hand; has troubles of his own to +bear; but a man who owns a public-house and draws only £20 a-year from +it, takes precedence in sympathy. + +Over stern conflict and cantankerous sitting, PLUNKET sheds beam of +genial humour. TIM HEALY asks if there could not be lift arranged to +Ladies' Gallery. "Too expensive," says PLUNKET. "Too dear, he means," +murmurs HOWORTH, who runs DICK TEMPLE close in his devotion to the +Ladies. "Why," objects GEORGE CAMPBELL, whose eye nothing escapes, +"there is already a lift for coal. Why not substitute Ladies for +coal?" + +"You see," said PLUNKET, smilingly, "we cannot do either without coal +or without Ladies, and it is difficult to combine them in a lift." + +GEORGE CAMPBELL not sure. When he has time to withdraw his thoughts +from Central Asia, will look into the matter. + +_Business done._--In Committee on Compensation Bill. Ministerial +majority reduced to 29. + +_Thursday._--"I really can't do it," said MACLURE. "Oh, you must," +said CHAPLIN; "hard work, I know, but put on a spurt and there you +are." + +"Wish I _was_ there," said MACLURE, mopping his forehead. "All very +well for slim young thing like you; but seventeen stun isn't the +form for a short spin, especially with these confounded steps." +Scene--passage by Cloak-room into House of Commons; time 5.19 P.M.; +bell ringing furiously; Division imminent; PENROSE FITZGERALD with +jacket shorter than ever, trousers turned up with a grace that maddens +with envy. BOBBY SPENCER and LEWISHAM, on watch at top of staircase. + +"Come along!" he shouts; "dividing on First Clause of Compensation +Bill; SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE sprung a mine on us; got all their +men here; ours down at Ascot; wouldn't be you for a quarter's salary, +CHAPLIN. Hurry up! hurry up! Put your best leg forward, MACLURE!" + +"That's all very well," said MACLURE, testily; "but which _is_ my best +leg?" + +[Illustration: On Outpost Duty.] + +The two heavy-weights pounded gallantly along; been to Ascot; +thought they'd be back in plenty of time for Division; and here's +Division-bell at its last shake. HARTINGTON come up with them; +striding ahead; wins easily; CHAPLIN reaches door of House just as it +is closing; with tremendous effort, MACLURE pulls himself together; +throws himself on doorway; nothing could stand rush like that; door +bursts open; MACLURE and Compensation Bill saved. A very close shave. +When Division taken, 228 vote for Government, 224 against; majority +Four--the four who raced up the staircase hot from Ascot. + +Crowded House in wild excitement. SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE consumed +in bitterness of spirit. "If we'd divided half an hour ago we should +have had majority of 25; a quarter of an hour ago, ten minutes ago, +five minutes ago, sixty seconds earlier, we'd have won. But those +Irish Shylocks must have their pound of verbosity. Couldn't resist +temptation of putting an extra question, even for certainty of +defeating Government. When they're once started on subject of +shadowing, they go off by the hour." + +"Well, never mind," said GORST; "you know it isn't the first time in +history that men have sacrificed the substance for the shadow." + +_Business done._--The Government's--very nearly. + +_Friday._--HOME SECRETARY in the Dock; Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT, Q.C., +instructed by Mr. HENRY FOWLER (Messrs. CORSER, FOWLER, & LANGLEY, +Wolverhampton), prosecuted. Prisoner, who was accommodated with a +seat, conducted his own defence. After long consultation, Jury could +not agree, and were discharged without a verdict. + +_Business done._--Metropolitan Police Vote agreed to. + + * * * * * + +THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY. + +_Monday._--_Carmen._ ZÉLIE is the accepted _Carmen_ this season--no +better; and MAGGIE MACINTYRE as _Michaela_, which, being an awkward +name to pronounce, might be abbreviated to _Mickie_. DAN DRADY the +Dramatic, excellent as _Escamillo_. One singer in a season plays many +parts, and one part is played by several singers. How would a theatre +succeed conducted on this plan, so that the same play should be +produced on certain nights with a different cast? Here is DAN DRADY, +for example; he plays _Escamillo_, tragi-comedy, one night; another +time he is the noble _San Bris_ in _Les Huguenots_; another, he +is _Figaro_ the loquacious _Barber of Seville_; another, he is the +devil-may-care gallant _Don Giovanni_; and, though best in serious +parts, he is good in all of them. On other occasions, when _Carmen_ +is given, the cast will be changed; some other singer will represent +_Escamillo_, or someone will replace MAGGIE as _Mickie_; RAVELLI the +Reliable will have been _Don José_ once, and then MONTARIOL or YBOS +(why Boss? Can't yet make this out), or even JEAN DE RESZKÉ may +represent the nincompoop soldier. Suppose _A Pair of Spectacles_, with +a change of cast, Mr. HARE out of it occasionally, and Mr. ... Ah! +there's the difficulty, Mr. Who, taking his part. Imagine _Faust_ +without IRVING as _Mephistopheles_. What a big Company it would +require! No; better leave well alone. + +[Illustration: Mr Punch.] + +_Tuesday._--_Faust._ Always a safe draw. Same cast as before. Worth +noting, that GOUNOD has given _Wagner_ very little to do in this +Opera, and that little not of his best. Evidently GOUNOD does not +possess a strong sense of humour, or he wouldn't have lost such a +chance as this. In the Kermesse Scene _Wagner_ should have commenced +one of his own Wagnerian strains, in the Wagnerian style, and been +immediately stopped by the student's applause. + +_Wednesday._--_Le Nozze di Figaro._ Always charming. Should like +to see examination paper on the plot of _Le Nozze_, questions to be +answered without any reference to book. + + 1. Give succinct and clear account of the plot. + + 2. What connection with plot have _Figaro's_ father and + mother? + + 3. What social position among the Count's guests are the + ladies of the ballet supposed to hold? + + 4. Having stated this, account for their costumes. + + 5. Why does Mlle. PALLADINO, the chief dancing guest, take no + sort of notice of _Il Conte_ and _La Contessa_? Are they not + on speaking terms? If not, why not? + + 6. Why is _Don Bartolo_ always made up and costumed as a + superior Pantaloon? + +Delighted again to see ELLA RUSSELL as _Susanna_. To think that only +the other evening she was the graceful and stately _Queen Marguerite_ +in _Les Huguenots_, and now she is a _soubrette très piquante_. +There are other pages in Madame SCALCHI'S history--the page in +_the Huguenots_, for example, and his twin brother in _Lucrezia +Borgia_--which like me more than her _Cherubino_. Vocally DAN DRADY +the Dramatic is all right; but he is too severe for _Figaro_ the +barber. Good house considering it is Ascot week, and on this night +when such sad rumours are in the air, everyone sincerely delighted at +seeing the Marchioness of LORNE in the Royal Box. + +_Thursday._--_Cup Day_, Ascot. _Roméo et Juliette._ Most +appropriate: _Juliette_ takes the Cup. + +_Friday, Don Giovanni_; and _Saturday, Lucia_. This deponent sings, +"Not there, not there, my child!" "Eye hath not seen,"--I mean, "_I_ +have not seen" these two on these two particular occasions; but I +believe that, in consequence of my absence, the Opera went on as +usual, and DRURIOLANUS did not have to come before the Curtain and +make an apology. + + * * * * * + +IN THE KNOW. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet._) + +THE crass and pernicious dulness of some people exceeds belief. +There exists at the office of this paper a _person_--he is absolutely +unworthy of any other designation--who presumed last week to abstain +from inserting in these columns the article to which the sporting +millions of his fellow countrymen were looking for information with +reference to the Ascot doings. I have no doubt whatever that _he +himself used the hints_ which that article contained, for I have since +seen him in a brand-new hat and a gold watch-chain, the result of his +ill-gotten gains. For my own sake I am forced to explain this sinister +business, lest the preposterous suet-headed Mr. J. should triumph, +and my readers should suppose for a moment that I would willingly +disappoint them. I have kept a copy of what I wrote, and I here +transcribe some of it in self-defence. + +"With regard to the Royal Hunt Cup," I observed, "only a bat-eyed +bargee, with the brains of a molluscous monkey, could fail to see the +merits of _Morion_. _Morion_, it is well known, is an open helmet, but +it doesn't follow from that that the Hunt Cup is an open event. Far +from it. Visor, or no visor, those who elect to stand on _Morion_, +need anticipate no trouble from anything else, for _Morion_ is as +certain to win the race as Mr. J. is to make a green-gooseberry fool +of himself before another week is out." There was accuracy. No silly +beating about the bush, but a straightforward piece of information, +which not even the great band of boozy Bedlamites and buffoons who +dance attendance on Mr. J. could have mistaken. But, as I said, no +blame attaches to me in the matter. + +Now then with regard to the Gold Cup. I said: "In the Gold Cup the old +adage holds, _Medio tutissimus ibis_. The Ibis, I may mention, though +he was an Egyptian bird, cannot be termed a flyer. However, take the +three words _The Gold Cup_, select the middle word, open your +mouth, bung up the eyes of anyone who impedes you, and wire to your +Commissioner." The middle word was "Gold," and _Gold_, of course, won +the Cup that was of, _or_ belonging to him. Ask Prince SOLTYKOFF if +am right or wrong. And for the rest, if any fuddling, bolus-brained, +bran-faced, turnip-tongued, hippopotamus-headed moon-calf doubts my +word, let him remember that there are pistols for two--_and coffee for +one_, in Belgium, and let him tremble. + + * * * * * + +THE WAY WE SHALL LIVE SOON. + +(_From the Diary of the Automatically Conducted._) + +7 A.M.--Turned out of automatically constructed bed and deposited +on the floor. Am picked up and hurled into an automatic dressing, +washing, and shaving chair, after which, being dressed by self-acting +machinery, descend by switchback lift to dining-room, where I am fed +by an "automatic private breakfast supplier" while listening to last +night's speeches in the House, and the latest gossip, furnished by one +of the "_Phonographic Association's Parliamentary and Social Scandal +Machines_." + +10 A.M.--Take automatic horse exercise, and am thrown twice, being +picked up each time automatically by a self-registering and revolving +automatic policeman. + +NOON.--Attend the marriage of a favourite niece, assisting at the +subsequent social entertainment which is supplied to the assembled +guests on the platform of a West-End terminus from one of the +"Twopenny Wedding Breakfast Company's Automatic Machines," the +Bridegroom at the same time presenting the Bridesmaids with a handsome +Penny Piece of Jewellery from a similar source. + +4 P.M.--Hair cut automatically, but, owing to some want of nice +adjustment in the machinery, having managed to get ears clipped +smartly at the same time, put penny into slot and consult an automatic +pillar-post. Eventually get my head (and my hat too, by mistake) +strapped up by patent automatic binder in the ward of an automatically +conducted Hospital. + +8 P.M.--Dine automatically with automatic halfpenny appetite, +listening to Phonographic Italian Opera at one of Metropolitan +District Underground Stations. + +10 P.M.--Dragged up-stairs mechanically by switch-back lift, and have +my boots pulled off by machinery, being automatically flung into a hot +bath, turned out, scrubbed, lifted out, dried by a revolving towel, +and eventually thrown into bed and tucked up, and finally sent +to sleep by Phonograph repeating good things said by funny man at +previous day's evening-party. + + * * * * * + +THE MONRO DOCTRINE (_not to be adopted by Sir Edward Bradford_). That +the control of the legislative proposals of the Government should be +"a question of police." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INFELICITOUS QUOTATIONS. + +_Jones (after a delightful Waltz)._ "AND NOW, MISS BROWN, LET US GO +AND SEEK SOME 'REFRESHMENT FOR MAN AND BEAST!'"] + + * * * * * + +"GIVEN AWAY WITH A POUND OF TEA!" + +_A Song of (Imperial) Shop._ + + OH, nice little, plump little German boy, + Approaching the Counter of B. & Co., + You never, most probably, hoped to enjoy + In the way of business--a way _you_ know-- + An opportunity half so good + For doing a smart little stroke of trade. + BULL'S Shopman, you see, is in generous mood, + As "wonderful bargains" his wares are arrayed, + And treasures,--no wonder you jump with glee! + Are "Given away with a Pound of Tea!" + + _Do ut des!_ That's the motto, of course, + _The_ motto of Shop in the Fatherland; + It was laid down by OTTO with lucid force, + And CAPRIVI its bearings doth understand. + But the man at the Counter of JOHN BULL'S Stores, + The drift of the doctrine seems hardly to grasp; + So his Teuton customer collars and scores. + He's stolid and 'cute, or he'd stare and gasp + To see the possessions of Mr. JOHN B. + "Given away with a Pound of Tea!" + + Pays for 'em? Humph! With a Zanzibar cheque; + Like a "Bank of Elegance" counterfeit note, + Or a draft on oneself; worth a penny a peck. + Such paper as this on the market to float! + Giving you what is yours, or at least is not _his_, + In exchange for whatever he happens to want, + Is what slangy Sportsmen call "very good biz," + For _him_, though for you, BULL, it looks like a "plant," + Have you any more goods, BULL, you'd like to see + "Given away with a Pound of Tea?" + + Kilima Njara, no doubt, was a boon, + To the innocent butterfly-hunting boy. + (Who sups with the--Teuton, should have a long spoon, + For his appetite's eager and dainties don't cloy.) + The Hinterland comes in most handy, no doubt, + And then that nice bonus of Heligoland! + Ah, truly, the Teuton knows what he's about. + But Shopman SALISBURY, why should he stand + And advertise goods of his master J. B. + As "Given away with a Pound of Tea?" + + What's the next article? Pray, do not shrink + From "giving a name to it," small German boy; + The Shopman so smiles, one might verily think + That "parting's" _not_ "sorrow," but what he'll enjoy. + "Surrender," and "Scuttle," and all the bad terms + Once hurled at "the Shirkers" to roost now return. + Where _is_ the last Jingo? One fancies he squirms + And invokes ASHMEAD-BARTLETT. Could he Jingos spurn, + Do worse--the old Shopman, false W.G.-- + Than cry, "Given away with a Pound of Tea?" + + Though a bargain's a bargain, and not a bad stroke + When a little good-nature secures a firm friend, + Reciprocity all on one side's a poor joke, + And a bargain that's bad is a bargain to mend. + That German is not yet gone out of the shop, + Recall him a moment--to look at that cheque! + It may not be one that a banker would stop, + But is it "Good Value"? This rede you may reck, + Mr. Shopman, _sans_ shame. 'Tis pure fiddle-dedee + To give _too_ much away with your Pound of Tea! + + * * * * * + +HARROW OR HANVER? + +FROM an all-too-brief correspondence in the _P. M. G._, we learn that +Mr. JOHN ADDINGTON SYMONDS is very angry with Mr. FRANK HARRIS for a +statement appearing in a _Fortnightly Review_ article of his, that he +"went to Hanver at the age of thirteen." Mr. SYMONDS explains that it +was to Harrow that he went at that period of his life, and that he +has never been to Hanver at all--which, no doubt, is a matter of great +importance to mankind in general. He complains, moreover, that his +essay is "villanously ill-edited." Surely this is what _Polonius_ +would call "an ill-phrase," and suggests a doubt whether Mr. SYMONDS +cultivated much at Harrow those "ingenuous arts," the study of which +"softens the manners and does not permit them to be brutal." Perhaps +it is not even now too late for him to pick them up. He might try +Hanver. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "GIVEN AWAY WITH A POUND OF TEA!!!"] + + * * * * * + +THE LADIES' YEAR. + +[_Miss Margaret Alford (of Girton) Niece of scholarly Dean Alford, is +announced in one of the four "Senior Classes" at Cambridge._] + + "A DREAM of Fair Women"--who shine in the Schools, + The Muse should essay ere her ardour quite cools. + Come, bards, take your lyres and most carefully tune 'em, + For Girton in glory now pairs off with Newnham. + Miss FAWCETT the latter with victory wreathed, + And now, ere the males from their marvel are breathed, + Miss MARGARET ALFORD, the niece of the Dean, + As a Classical First for the former is seen. + Let Girton toast Newnham, and Newnham pledge Girton, + And--let male competitors put a brisk "spurt" on, + Lest when modern Minerva adds learning to grace, + Young Apollo should find himself out of the race! + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration: The Mephistophelian Whistlerian Butterfly "On the +Pounce" at Antwerp.] + +"_The Gentle Art of making Enemies, as pleasantly exemplified in +many instances," &c., &c._ (for full title see the book itself) is, +whatever "_Messieurs les Ennemis_" may think of it, a work of rare +humour. Of course you must first of all be interested in King JAMES +and his subjects,--his principal subject being himself, (and lucky the +man who can _command himself_)--and you must wish to know the story of +his rights and wrongs; then this interest and desire being taken for +granted, the book of the butterfly is a thing of beauty and a joy for +now and ever. The heads are epigrammatic and the tails sprightly, and +both eminently characteristic, for the heads tell their own tales, and +the tails in tadpolian scheme are the outcome of the heads. Most +of the waggery is in these tailpieces, which, one and all of them, +represent the real Whistlerian spirit, "the Familiar" of ETCHER JAMES, +that is the Demoniacal Butterfly "in various aspics," as Mrs. MALAPROP +might say. Does the Butterfly's Master address "_Messieurs les +Ennemis_," the Familiar Spirit is all politeness, with head down and +wings outstretched saluting before coming to "on guard." Does Master +"rid himself of the friendship of the many?"--the little Demon shakes +a reef out of his tail and flies upwards, to return after a short +flight of fancy. On occasions when Master has been reflecting +comically and satirically on some of his attackers, or on his +detractors, the volatile Imp literally shakes his sides with +uncontrollable laughter, and can't stand upright for very mirth. The +famous "Ten o'clock" which has been immortalised by _Mr. Punch_ as +the "Ten-and-sixpenny o'clock," in consequence of the tickets being +half-a-guinea apiece, is here reprinted. PROSPERO WHISTLER packs up +his bag of tricks, buries his wand, makes his bow with a little speech +at a testimonial dinner given to him by his friends, and the Familiar +Demon Butterfly, free at last, darts into space, leaves "Finis" +below,--then, you turn over the page, all is blank,--Magician and +Familiar have vanished! + +DAVID STOTT, not of Oldham, but of Oxford Street, publishes dainty +little pocket volumes, and here is one yclept _Essays or Counsels of +Francis Bacon_. "Put it in the bag!" says the Baron, "and let it be my +travelling companion, so that, whenever I want refreshment I may feed +on BACON, that many-sided philosopher." It is a wonderfully handy +volume, tastefully and substantially bound, and its type of the very +clearest. Much-occupied men, who can only snatch here a moment and +there a moment for reading, ought to be grateful to the inventors +and the publishers of all handy books, meaning, says the Baron, books +which are really handy, and which, without destroying the natural +elegance of your figure or the set of your garments, you can carry +comfortably and imperceptibly in your tail coat pocket. + +_Notes from the News._ By JAMES PAYN. (CHATTO AND WINDUS.) Notes on +passing events of all sorts, spiced with capital stories, which +will indeed be a big capital to be drawn upon by the dining-out +_raconteur_,--the only thing against his present success being that +most persons will have read these stories in _The Illustrated London +News_ or in this volume. It is a book for the weary work-all-day man +to dip into, and to come out of it again refreshed. When in doubt as +to what light reading to take up, the Baron advises, "Take PAYN'S." + + BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + +P.S.--My faithful "Co." has been revelling in the Summer Holiday +Number of _All The Year Round_, which consists of a complete story +entitled, _A Mist of Error_, by MARY ANGELA DICKENS. The authoress is +the granddaughter of the great novelist, and the daughter of his son, +the most popular of editors, and the best of good fellows. My "Co." +reports, that the novelette is full of promise, and is a proof that +literary genius is hereditary. Interesting from the first page to the +last, _A Mist of Error_, in spite of its title, is never suggestive +of a fog. My faithful "Co." is also delighted with _Men of the Time +Birthday Book_, compiled by Mr. J. F. BOYES, F.S.A.--a charming little +Volume that everyone will be proud to possess. He prophesies that it +will be one of the most popular of Birthday Books, and congratulates +its compiler on the production of a work of distinct historical value. + + * * * * * + +A GREAT GUNN. + + [GUNN, the great Notts' Batsman, playing for the Players of + England against the Australians at Lords, on June 19 and 20, + made 228 runs, the highest individual score ever made in this + country against the Australians.] + + SUCH calm, graceful batting, of funk as defiant, + As proof against flurry, deserved the crowd's roar. + 'Twas Cricket, indeed, when the Nottingham Giant, + Against the best batting, piled up that huge score; + And the crowd as they watched him smite, play, block, or run, + Could grasp the full meaning of "Sure as a GUNN!" + + * * * * * + +ROBERT AT THE LEATHERSELLERS'. + +WE had been so preshus busy at "the Grand Hotel" lately, that I hadn't +seen werry much of my deer old Citty, but larst week I was arsked for +to go and offishyate there at the jolly Leathersellers Company's Grand +Dinner, as they was about to have a very distangy Party including one +of our most sellybrated Hartist's, who's that poplar that ewerybody +calls him 'ARRY instead of 'ENERY, as must in course have been the +name as his godmothers and godfathers gav him when he was quite young +and had his fust taste of a cold Bath, and most probberbly didn't like +it. + +So I went accordingly, and a werry scrumpshus Bankwet they had, +includin them trewly Royal luxeries '80 Shampane and '47 Port! Ah! +what a thing it must be to be a Royal or a Nobel persson, and to live +on all the Fat of the Land, and wash it all down with nothink yunger +than '80 shampain and '47 Port! And no matter where you gos, or +weather it's to lay down a Fust Stone, or to Hopen a Hexibishun, or to +take a Chair at a nobel Charity Dinner, there it is all reddy for you, +and a hole crowd of Peeple a watching you a eating and a drinking of +'em, and a thanking you artily for taking the trubble of doing so! Ah! +I sumtimes werrily beleeves as that my nateral tastes tells me as I +was horiginally hintended for sum such useful life myself! + +Well, arter the Bankwet of course we had all the reglar gushing +speeches, and werry bewtifool but rather lengthy they was, but +presently a sumthink appened as more estonished me praps than anythink +as has appened to me for some time past. + +The hartistick and poplar Gent as ewerybody calls ARRY FURNACE +was called upon to return thanks for Hart, when to my intense +estonishment, and ewerybody else's emusement, he acshally said as how +as his frend "ROBERT," seeing how garstly pale he turned when he was +told wot he wood have to do, had writ down for him 6 lines of most +bewtifool Poetry, which he at wunce proceeded to recite, and sat down +amid enthusiastick cheers and shouts of larfter! Seeing my look of +puzzled surprise, he kindly turned round to me and said, "Look here, +ROBERT, as I've rather taken a libberty with your honnerd name, +I'll repay you by taking another with your well-known features," and +borrowing a bewtifool pencil of me, that I had bort the day before for +a penny, he acshally sketched three likenesses of me in his Book of +the Songs, and giving it to me, said, with his merry laugh. "There, I +hope that will console you for my bit of harmless fun;" and from what +I was offered for my three sketches when I showed 'em about, after he +was gone, I thinks, that upon the whole, I got a werry good share of +the larf on my own side of the mouth. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRYING POSITION OF AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. + +HE DETERMINES TO TRY THE AUTOMATIC PHOTOGRAPHING MACHINE, THE STATION +BEING EMPTY. TO HIS DISMAY A CROWD HAS GATHERED, AND WATCHES THE +OPERATION.] + + * * * * * + +AN IDEAL INTERVIEWER. + +SCENE--_Den of latest Lion._ + +_Latest Lion (perusing card with no visible signs of gratification.)_ +Confound it! don't remember telling the Editor of _Park Lane_ I'd +let myself be interviewed. Suppose I must have, though. (_Aloud to_ +Servant, _who is waiting_.) You can show the Gentleman up. + +_Servant (returning)._ Mr. WALSINGHAM JERMYN! + +[_A youthful Gentleman is shown in; he wears a pink-striped +shirt-front, an enormous button-hole, and a woolly frock-coat, and is +altogether most expensively and fashionably attired, which, however, +does not prevent him from appearing somewhat out of countenance after +taking a seat._ + +_The L. L. (encouragingly)._ I presume, Mr. JERMYN, you're here to +ask me some questions about the future of the British East African +Company, and the duty of the Government in the matter? + +_Mr. Jermyn (gratefully)._ Er--yes, that's what I've come about, don't +you know--that sort of thing. Fact is (_with a burst of confidence_), +this isn't exactly my line--I've been rather let in for this. You see, +I've not been by way of doin' this long--but what's a fellow to do +when he's stony-broke? Got to do _somethin_', don't you know. So I +thought I'd go in for journalism--I don't mean the drudgery of it, +leader-writin' and that--but the light part of it, _Society_, you +know. But the other day, man who does the interviews for _Park Lane_ +(that's the paper I'm on) jacked up all of a sudden, and my Editor +said I'd better take on his work for a bit, and see what I made of it. +I wasn't particular. You see, I've always been rather a dead hand at +drawin' fellows out, leadin' them on, you know, and all that, so I +knew it would come easy enough to me, for all you've got to do is +to sit tight and let the other chap--I mean to say, the man +you're interviewin'--do all the talking, while you--I mean to say, +myself--keep, keeps--hullo, I'm getting my grammar a bit mixed; +however, it don't signify--_I_ keep quiet and use my eyes and ears +like blazes. Talking of grammar, I thought when I first started that +I should get in a regular hat over the grammar, and the spellin', and +that--_you_ write, don't you, when you're not travellin'? So you know +what a grind it is to spell right. But I soon found they kept a Johnny +at the office with nothing to do but put all your mistakes right for +you, so, soon as I knew that, I went ahead gaily. + +_The L. L._ Exactly, and now, perhaps, you will let me know what +particular information you require? + +_Mr. J._ Oh, _you_ know the sort of thing the public likes--they'll +want to know what sort of diggings you've got, how you dress when +you're at home, and all that, how you write your books, now--you +do write books, don't you? Thought so. Well, that's what the public +likes. You see, your name's a good deal up just now--no humbug, it +_is_ though! Between ourselves, you know, I think the whole business +is the balliest kind of rot, but they've got to have it, so there you +are, don't you see. I don't pretend to be a well-read sort of fellow, +never was particularly fond of readin' and that; no time for it, and +besides, I've always said _Books_ don't teach you knowledge of the +world. I know the world fairly well--but I didn't learn it from +books--ah, you agree with me there--_you_ know what skittles all that +talk is about education and that. Well, as I was sayin', I don't read +much, I see the _Field_ every week, and a clinkin' good paper it is, +tells you everythin' worth knowin', and I read the _Pink Un_, too. Do +you know any of the fellows on it? Man I know is a great friend of one +of them, he's going to introduce me some day, I like knowin' literary +chaps, don't you? You've been about a good deal, haven't you? I expect +you must have seen a lot, travellin' as you do. I've done a little +travellin' myself, been to Monte Carlo, you know, and the Channel +Islands--_you_ ever been to the Channel Islands? Oh, you ought to go, +it's a very cheery place. Talkin' of Monte Carlo, I had a rattlin' +good time at the tables there; took out a hundred quid, determined +I would have a downright good flutter, and Jove! I made that hundred +last me over five days, and came away in nothing but my lawn-tennis +flannels. That's what I _call_ a flutter, don't you know! Er--beastly +weather we're havin'! You have pretty good weather where you've been? +A young brother of mine has been out for a year in Texas--he said +_he_'d very good weather--of course that's some way off where _you_'ve +come from--Central Africa, isn't it? Talkin' of my brother, what do +you think the young ass did?--went out there with a thousand pounds, +and paid it all down to some sportsmen who took him to see some stock +they said belonged to them--of course he found out after they'd off'd +it that they didn't own a white mouse among 'em! But then, DICK'S one +of those chaps, you know, that think themselves so uncommon knowing, +they _can't_ be had. I always told him he'd be taken in someday if he +let his tongue wag so much--too fond of hearing himself talk, don't +you know, great mistake for a young fellow; sure to say somethin' +you'd better have let alone. I suppose you're getting rather sick +of all these banquets, receptions, and that? They do you very well, +certainly. I went to one of these Company dinners some time ago, and +they did me as well as I've ever been done in my life, but when +you've got to sit still afterwards and listen to some chap who's been +somewhere and done somethin' jawin' about it by the hour together +without a check, why, it's not _good_ enough, I'm hanged if it is! +Well, I'm afraid I can't stay any longer--my time's valuable now, +don't you know. I daresay yours is, too. I'm awfully glad to have had +a chat with you, and all that. I expect you could tell me a lot more +interesting things, only of course you've got to keep the best of 'em +to put in your book--you _are_ writin' a book or somethin', ain't you? +Such heaps of fellows are writin' books nowadays, the wonder is how +any of 'em get read. I shall try and get a look at yours, though, if +I come across it anywhere; hope you'll put some amusin' things +in,--nigger stories and that, don't make it too bally scientific, you +know. Directly I get back, I shall sit down, slick off, and write out +all you've told me. I shan't want any notes, I can carry it all in my +head, and of course I shan't put in anything you'd rather I didn't, +don't you know. + +_The L. L. (solemnly)._ Mr. JERMYN, I place implicit confidence in +your discretion. I have no doubt whatever that your head, Sir, is more +than capable of containing such remarks as I have found it necessary +to make in the course of our interview. I like your system of +extracting information, Sir, very much. Good morning. + +_Mr. Jermyn (outside)._ Nice pleasant-spoken fellow--trifle +long-winded, though! Gad, I was so busy listenin' I forgot to notice +what his rooms were like or anythin'! How would it do to go back? No, +too much of a grind. Daresay I can manage to fox up somethin'. I shall +tell the Chief what he said about my system. Chief don't quite know +what I _can_ do yet--this will open his eyes a bit. + +[_And it does._ + + * * * * * + +THE HARE APPARENT.--I forgot to record last week that Saturday, the +14th, was the hundredth night of the _Pair of Spectacles_, and the +silver wedding of Mr. HARE'S stage career. The occasion was celebrated +at the Garrick with a supper given by Mr. HARE to old friends and +comrades. It was an illustration of "_The Hare and many Friends_," +only it wasn't a fable--it was a fact. As closely associated with HARE +at various dinner-tables, I beg to sign myself, + + CURRENTE JELLI CALAMO. + + * * * * * + +-->NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + + + + +[Illustration: INDEX] + + AFTER "The May," 297 + + After the Review, 174 + + All for the Sake of the Army, 98 + + All in Play, 229 + + Among the Amateurs, 11, 25, 52 + + "Ana," 37 + + Another "Competitive," 96 + + Another of Robert's Xstrornerry Adwenturs, 99 + + Another Title for the Guide to the Exhibition at the New Gallery, 27 + + Answers to Correspondents, 9, 13, 57, 65, 169 + + 'Arry on Equality, 85 + + Art of Blacking Boots (The), 264 + + "Ask a P'liceman!" 291 + + Ask a White Man! 280 + + Astral Complication (An), 117 + + At his Mayerjesty's, 293 + + At Sea in an Easter Egg-shell, 170 + + At the Porte St. Martin, 33 + + Au Revoir! 73 + + Autocrat (The), 254 + + Avenue Theatre, 89 + + BABE o' Grace (A), 186 + + "Baby Bung," 234 + + Back to Backs, 291 + + Ballad of Evil Speed (A), 3 + + Ballad of the Earl's Breeks (The), 273 + + Basta, Faster! 169 + + Beer, 268 + + "Big Gun!" (The), 114 + + Bitter Cry of the London Rider Haggard and Jaded, 268 + + Boat-Race Vision (A), 147 + + "Britons never will be Slaves!" 54 + + Buffalo Bill and Leo Pope, 124 + + Bullying poor "Bully," 202 + + Burglar's Back (The), 138 + + Busy (J.) B. (The), 2 + + CALLS for the Public Prosecutor? 47 + + Captain of the "Paris" (The). 63 + + Chant for the College of Surgeons (A), 185 + + Chapter of Dickens up to Date (A), 244 + + Charles the First, 243 + + Children's Fancy Dress Ball (The), 201 + + Comic Slaughter, 136 + + Coming Big Bore (A), 35 + + Conversation Manual, 233 + + "Counting the Chicks," 42 + + "Country and Duty," 258 + + Court Napping, 213 + + Covent Gardening Prospects, 135 + + Cry of the City Children (The), 123 + + Curious Cure (A), 28 + + "Cut off the Joint" (A), 186 + + DARES and Entellus, 14 + + Daubigny in Bond Street, 102 + + Derby Disappointments, 270 + + Developing Hawarden, 277 + + Diag-nose-is of Wine (A), 97 + + Diana at Dinner, 303 + + Diary of a Jolly Party, 47 + + Disclaimer (A), 113 + + Ditty of the Dagger (The), 38 + + Divorce Shop (The), 18 + + "Dose of 'Gregory'" (A), 113 + + "Dot and go One," 5 + + "Doubtful!" 270 + + Dropping the Pilot, 155 + + Dunraven, 162 + + EARLY Green Peas, 264 + + East-ern Art in Bond Street, 117 + + Echo from the Lane (An), 201 + + Eight Hours Only, 217 + + Elcho Answers, 282 + + "Embarrassing!" 267 + + "English, you know, quite English," 137 + + Epidemiological, 63 + + Essence of Parliament, 83, 94, 106, 112, 131, 143, 155, 167, 178, + 204, 216, 227, 232, 252, 256, 287, 292, 304 + + Eventful Week (An), 111 + + Exchelsior! 274 + + Exit in Fumo, 186 + + FABLE, for Fanatics (A), 203 + + Farthing Novel Series (The), 105 + + Fifty Years of Railway Progress, 96 + + Finishing Touch (The), 66 + + First Appearance of the Swiss-Back Railway, 183 + + First Fight (The), 231 + + First Roze of Summer (The), 255 + + "Fishing Interrogatory" (A), 165 + + "Fish out of Water" at Greenwich, 50 + + Five o'clock Tea Bonnet Company, 264 + + For the Sake of the Empire, 41 + + "For this Relief, much thanks!" 147 + + Fortunate and Economical, 101 + + French Gallery (The), 159 + + From the Zoo, 87 + + GHOSTLESS Boston, 101 + + "Gift Horse" (The), 162 + + "Given away with a Pound of Tea!" 306 + + Going too Fast, 303 + + Gold tipped Cigarettes, 72 + + "Good Old Grace!" 277 + + Grand Old Billee, 111 + + Grand Old Hat (The), 137 + + Grandolph Goodfellow, 218 + + "Grandolpho Furioso!" 138 + + Grandolph's Latest, 102 + + Grandolph's Logic, 184 + + Great Gunn (A), 309 + + Great Lincoln Trial Stakes (The), 119 + + "Grenadiers to the Front!" 125 + + HARE Apparent (The), 310 + + "Harlowe there!" 123 + + Harmless Ghost, 287 + + Harrow or Hanver? 306 + + He can't Alp it! 138 + + "Her Majesty's Opposition," 17 + + Historical Parallels, 6 + + Holiday Catechism, 25, 37 + + How I Welcomed Stanley, 215 + + How to make the Most of it, 75 + + How to Meet it, 53 + + How we do Business now, 133 + + Hypnotic High Feeding, 202 + + IDEAL Interviewer (An), 310 + + "I'll call thee Hamlet," 135 + + Imperial Socialist (The), 74, 158 + + Incantation Scene (The), 90 + + Interesting Novelty, 195 + + In the Know, 184, 201, 215, 217, 229, 251, 263, 267, 279, 305 + + In the Lane, 181 + + In the Name of Charity--Go to Prison! 49 + + "In the Name of the Law!" 201 + + Irish Question in Bond Street (The), 35 + + JAPANESE Belle (A), 17 + + "Johnnykin and the Goblings," 89 + + Journal of a Rolling Stone, 1 + + Jubalee Performance (A), 123 + + Jubilee of the Penny Post (The), 28 + + Justice at High Pressure, 16 + + Justiss for the Pore, 133 + + "Just to oblige Benson," 3 + + KICKED, 41, 63, 69, 77 + + "Killaloe Dam Gone," 23 + + Killing for a Shilling, 83 + + L'ABBE In-Constantin Parsonified, 185 + + Ladies' Year (The), 309 + + Last Charge of the Light Brigade (The), 196 + + Last of the Bacilli (The), 220 + + Law and the Liver (The), 195 + + Learning by Art, 173 + + Le Kick-balle Fight, 105 + + "Le Kicke-Ball in France," 129 + + L'Enfant Terrible! 222 + + Le 'Ockey Stick-Balle Fight, 294 + + "Le Petit Duc," 86 + + "Le Sport" in Bouverie Street, 161 + + Lines on the Labour Conference, 137 + + Lion's Diary (The), 17 + + Little Duc and his Big Bill (The), 119 + + London County Council and the Lyceum Theatre (The), 109 + + London for the Londoners, 30 + + Look at Home, 186 + + Luxury of Pantomime (The), 65 + + MADAME Diogenes, 134 + + Master Singers, 120 + + "May Fare Work!" 141 + + Measures and Men, 221 + + Menu-Betting, 61 + + Mid-day Meal-lennium (A), 261 + + Mid-Winter Night's Dream (A), 12 + + Modern Cornelia (The), 299 + + Modern Hercules and the Pygmies (The), 230 + + Modern Types, 89, 101, 120, 124, 136, 148, 160, 177, 192, 208, + 220, 249, 285, 301 + + "Montagu! a Montagu!" (A), 24 + + More about Talleyrand, 275 + + More Glory, 57 + + "More Light!" 51 + + More Masquerading, 287 + + More Novelties, 208 + + More to Follow, 126 + + Mr. Gladstone's Letters, 65 + + Mr. Punch's Dictionary of Phrases, 141, 148, 157, 173, 191, 196, + 206, 218, 238, 255, 276, 280, 291, 301 + + Mr. Punch's Moral Music-Hall Dramas, 4, 24, 60, 64, 76, 88, 100, + 121, 145, 193, 205, 241 + + Mr. Punch's Proverbs up to date, 213 + + Musical Anticipation (A), 30 + + Musical Notes, 167 + + Muzzled and Puzzled, 26 + + "My Curate," 157 + + Mystic Letters (The), 23 + + My Tailor, 117 + + NAVAL Intelligence, 171 + + Nellie at the Sodgeries, 244 + + Nell of Chelsea (The), 225 + + New Amazon (The), 143 + + New Dance of Death (The), 206 + + New Gallery Novelties, 238 + + New Tune (The), 62 + + North Walls (The), 13 + + Notes "in Globo," 114 + + Nothing New, 18 + + "Not such a Fool as he Looks," 246 + + Novel Advice from Lincolnshire, 177 + + Novel with a Purpose (A). 276 + + "Nuts" for the Coal Trade, 225 + + ODE on a Black Ball, 137 + + Odds on the Bed makers, 221 + + Old Bond Street Galleries (The), 156 + + Old Colds for New, 33 + + Old Friends and Counsel, 114 + + Old, Old Story (The), 39 + + Old Times Revived, 196 + + Omnibusiness, 131 + + One Too Many for Him, 294 + + Only Remedy (The), 183 + + On the Spot, 277 + + On the Swoop! 196 + + Opera-goer's Diary (The), 213, 257, 269, 281, 293, 305 + + "O rare 'Ben'!" 143 + + Oar Advertisers, 161, 189, 229 + + Our Booking-Office, 10, 16, 57, 63, 75, 93, 102, 111, 125, 141, + 165, 173, 189, 203, 210, 221, 231, 249, 262, 276, 293, 309 + + Our New Duke, 261 + + Our Turn Now, 49 + + Out and About, 250 + + PAGE from a Diary (A), 51 + + Page from an Imperial Note-book (A), 160 + + Parliamentary Intelligence, 2 + + Patient at Play (The), 244 + + Penalties of Greatness (The), 173 + + Pick of the Pictures (The), 226 + + Pictures in the Haymarket, 137 + + Pilferer (The), 36 + + Pint of it (The), 124 + + Piping Times for the Empire, 137 + + (Pitched) Outing (A), 171 + + "Place aux Dames!" 289 + + Plain English! 30 + + Playing Dark, 153 + + Play-time, 161 + + Pleasure-Seeker's Vade Mecum (The), 257 + + Police Fun, 180 + + Premier's Power (The), 78 + + Primrose's Peep-Show, 218 + + Prince "Starring" at Poole (The), 41 + + "Promise of May" (The), 207 + + "Propria quæ Maribus," 137 + + Put this in your Pipe, 165 + + "Putting his Nose out of Joint," 110 + + Puzzles for the New Year, 23 + + QUESTION of Parentage, 129 + + Quite a Little Banc(roft) Holiday, 255 + + RAILWAY Unpunctuality Report, 268 + + Ratepayer's Reply (A), 148 + + Rather Shifty, 297 + + Recking the Rede Lecture, 297 + + Resolutions for the Cosmopolitan Labour Meeting, 206 + + Retiring Young Man (A), 122 + + Revised Version. "In Globo," 126 + + "Richardson's Show" and a "Bill of the Play," 84 + + Riviera in Bond Street (The), 54 + + Robert at Guildhall, 261 + + Robert at the Leathersellers', 309 + + Robert on Good Old Krismus, 16 + + Robert on the Boat-Race, 153 + + Robert's Commishuns, 172 + + Robert's Companions, 81 + + Robert's Krismus Him, 6 + + Robert's Little Hollerday, 192 + + Robert Trihumfunt! 162 + + Rooky Walker! 184 + + Root of the Matter (The), 85, 165 + + Rose-Water Cure (The), 242 + + Royal Academy Banquet (The), 222 + + Royal Berkshire, 87 + + Royal Society of Painters in Water-Colours, 194 + + Rum Customer (A), 245 + + Russian Art, 5 + + "SALUTE;" or, Taking Distance (The), 78 + + Saturday Series (A), 119 + + Savoyards (The), 5 + + School-Board before the End of the Century (The), 288 + + "Scots wha hae," 219 + + Set down for Trial, 39 + + Shaftesbury Song (A), 267 + + Shall Women Smoke? 42 + + Shooting Arrows at a Song, 87 + + Short Mathematical Paper, 263 + + Short Song in Season (A), 203 + + Shrewing of the Tame (The), 53 + + Signs of the Season, 180 + + Slaps for Slippers, 27 + + "Society for the Study of Inebriety" (A), 181 + + Something like a Dinner, 84 + + Song for Mr. Stansfeld, M.P., 108 + + Song Sentimentiana, 125, 105, 183, 243 + + Song with Words (A), 189 + + Sounds of the Streets, 45 + + South-Eastern Alphabet (The), 61 + + Spectacular, 143 + + "Speed the Parting," 37 + + Sporting Correspondent (A), 21 + + Stanley Africanus! 210 + + Stanley and African Exhibition (The), 113 + + Stanzas to Rhubarb, 135 + + Startling for Gourmets, 61 + + Start (The), 6 + + Statesmen at Home, 21, 48, 72 + + Street Music, 42 + + Striking Home, 146 + + Study for the Pelican Club, 53 + + Suggestion from Pump-handle Court (A), 169 + + "Sweet--Marjorie!" 71 + + Sweet Thing in Criticism (A), 281 + + TAKEN as you Like it, 117 + + Taken from the French Plays, 280 + + Thank Goodness, 126 + + Theatrical Short Service Bill, 209 + + Thoughts on his Wine-Merchant, 191 + + "Three Fishers," 282 + + Tippler's Triumph (The), 195 + + Tips from the Tape, 209 + + To an Old Friend with a New Wig, 66 + + Tommius Etonensis loquitur, 48 + + Topping the Tripos, 280 + + To the New Scribe and Poet, 225 + + Trivial Round (The), 172 + + Two Heads better than One! 180 + + Two Views of the Sodgeries, 233 + + UNCHRISTIAN Caveat (An), 174 + + University Intelligence, 159 + + Unknown Quantity (An), 195 + + Unscientific Dialogue (An), 59 + + Unsought Honour, 30 + + Untiled, 9, 13, 37, 49, 61, 73, 97 + + Useful Warning, 189 + + "VANITY Un-Fair," 37 + + "Venice Preserved" in the Haymarket, 53 + + Very Silly Song (A), 47 + + Voces Populi, 29, 40, 237, 253, 265, 300 + + WARE Brummagem! 234 + + Way to the Temple (The), 159 + + Way we shall Live soon (The), 305 + + Week by Week, 213, 228, 240, 245, 263, 273, 279, 289, 303 + + Where Marriages are Made, 167 + + White Slave (A), 289 + + Winter at Burlington House, 18 + + "Will he get through?" 278 + + Work for the Holidays, 15 + + YET another Quarterly, 208 + + + + +LARGE ENGRAVINGS. + + After the Review, 175 + + "Baby Bung," 235 + + "Big Gun!" (The), 115 + + "Counting the Chicks!" 43 + + "Country and Duty," 259 + + "Cut off the Joint" (A), 187 + + Divorce Shop (The), 19 + + "Doubtful!" 271 + + Dropping the Pilot, 150, 151 + + Finishing Touch (The), 67 + + Foreign Fox (The), 55 + + "Gift Horse" (The), 163 + + "Given away with a Pound of Tea!" 307 + + "Grandolpho Furioso!" 139 + + Grandolph's Latest, 103 + + "Incantation" (The), 91 + + L'Enfant Terrible! 223 + + "Not such a Fool as he looks!" 247 + + One Too Many for Him, 295 + + On the Swoop! 198, 199 + + Plain English! 31 + + "Salute!" or, Taking his Measure (The), 79 + + Stanley Africanus! 211 + + Start (The), 7 + + Thank Goodness!!! 127 + + "Three Fishers," 283 + + + + +SMALL ENGRAVINGS. + + ÆSTHETIC Party in Furnished House, 246 + + Allsopp's Bitter and Shareholder, 98 + + Amateur Banjoist and Friend, 15 + + Amateur Tenor and Sarcastic Friend, 123 + + American "Pistol" (The), 245 + + Attack on a Mail Coach, 196 + + Author's Heavy Book (An), 27 + + Automatic Arbitration, 237 + + Barberesses at Work, 186 + + Bismarck's Last Appearance, 122 + + Blindfolded Russian Emperor, 254 + + Boulanger's New Tune, 62 + + Brigand Bullfinch (The), 202 + + Brighton Bath-chairman's Quiet Route (A), 189 + + Bull and the Frog (The), 50 + + 'Bus Conductor's Important Passenger (A), 207 + + Butcher's Boy and the "Meet," 6 + + Butterfly-collecting in East Africa, 263 + + Cabby's Fare paid in Small Coin, 261 + + Cab-Runners after a Hansom, 210 + + Caledonia's Electric Light, 219 + + Catholic Priest and Schoolboys, 135 + + Chaplin and the Kentish Dogs, 26 + + Cheap Horse at a Fair (A), 225 + + Colonel M'Whuskey's Epidemic, 75 + + Colonial Friend goes Hunting (A), 129 + + Cook who wants Execution (A), 282 + + Country Editor's Salmon (A), 95 + + Country M.P.'s Summons to Duty, 70 + + Cow in Drury Lane Pantomime, 28 + + Cross-examining a Lady, 125 + + Curate and Schoolboys' Class, 203 + + Cyclist Judges on Circuit, 201 + + Dismounted Steeple-chaser's Friend, 243 + + Distinguished Colonists in London, 206 + + Doctor Cockshure's Travelled Patient, 63 + + Dressing for her own Dance, 42 + + Effect of Low Stable on Horse's Knees, 184 + + Electric Tramway in the Commons, 178 + + Emperor and Socialist Workman, 158 + + Engineering, little Tour Eiffel, and Forth + Bridge, 110 + + Exchanging Hats with a Scarecrow, 253 + + Exhibits at the "Silk" Exhibition, 268 + + Famous Pictures Leaving the Country, 46 + + Fancy Portrait of My Laundress, 137 + + Fasting Man and the Starving Man, 221 + + Flattening a Bonnet, 294 + + Flight of the Demon Influenza, 38 + + Frenchman's Stay in London (A), 303 + + French Peasant with Influenza, 40 + + Grand Old Hypnotiser at St. Stephen's, 286 + + Grand Old Undergrad (The), 58 + + Grandolph Puck at Sea in Egg-shell, 170 + + Great Lincoln Trial in a Fog, 118 + + Greedy Boy at the School Feast, 155 + + Groom waiting at Tea, 23 + + Grosvenor Gallery Pictures, 262, 274 + + Guardsman and Nursemaids' Group, 287 + + Hearty Luncher going to see Succi, 183 + + High Sleeves for both Sexes, 162 + + Home Secretary and Mr. Punch, 182 + + Home Secretary and the Policeman, 290 + + Horse refuses to Jump over Water, 45 + + House of Ciphers (A), 130 + + House of Commons all Sixes and Sevens (The), 142 + + House of Commons from Toby's Box, 154 + + How to Avoid giving a Dinner Party, 157 + + Hunters shod with Snow Shoes, 10 + + Hunting Gent and Rustics, 93 + + Imperial Socialist (The), 74 + + Infant Prodigies' Concert (An), 174 + + Inquiring Visitor and Footman, 131 + + Insured Children, 299 + + John Bull's New Year's Dream, 2 + + Jones to take Miss B. in to Supper, 102 + + Kent Coal Hole (The), 108 + + Lady Artist and Small Rustic, 83 + + Lady's Hair-Dagger (A), 215 + + Lady's well-preserved Good Looks (A), 126 + + Laura's Honeymoon Trip, 270 + + Legend of the Briar-root, 209 + + Little Duke with the Tricolor (The), 86 + + Lively Piece of Cheese (A), 35 + + Madame Diogenes, 134 + + Mariar Ann's Visit to a Fine House, 258 + + Marrying to go to the Paris Exhibition, 87 + + Maxims for the Bar, 133, 156, 169, 217, 277 + + Medicinal Refreshments, 51 + + M.F.H.'s Opinion of Jenkinson's Horse, 33 + + Money Market recovers from Tightness, 73 + + Mr. Hare in a New Pair of Spectacles, 97 + + Mr. M'Sawney and his Dance-card, 78 + + Mr. Punch and the Coal-Miner, 146 + + Mr. Punch and Tom Sayer's Shade, 14 + + Mr. Punch's Grand "Old Masters," 34 + + Near-sighted Man and Lady's Bonnet, 52 + + Neighbour and a Bore (A), 18 + + New Gallery Pictures, 238 + + New German Rifle (The), 65 + + Not Bleeding with the Lancet, 47 + + Old Gentleman and the Automatic Photographic Machine, 310 + + "Only a Face at a Window!" 138 + + Our Artist and the Street-Music, 54 + + Our Artist's Reply to Handsome Lady, 167 + + Painter and Musician after Dinner, 143 + + Papa's Description of a Centaur, 275 + + Parliamentary Conversation Cages, 106 + + Parliamentary Golf-Links, 190 + + Parnell rejects Balfour's Bill, 194 + + Pat and his Boycotted Landlord, 71 + + Photographing a Stern-looking Lady, 234 + + Poor Children's Pantomime (The), 22 + + Professor Tyndall's Portrait of Mr. G., 267 + + Proud Mother's Schoolboy's Expenses, 99 + + Punch's Parliamentary Puppets, 82 + + Quite a Contrast to his Brother, 279 + + "Refreshment for Man and Beast," 306 + + Result of a Horse's Cough, 69 + + Resurrection of Mummified Cats, 81 + + Rival Anecdotists, 291 + + Royal Academy Pictures, 226, 227, 250 + + Sarcastic Hostess and Lady Guest, 66 + + Schoolboy defines Quakers' Speech, 255 + + Schoolmaster and Boy's Arithmetic, 218 + + Scientific Volunteer (The), 85 + + Scotch Deerstalker makes a "Miss," 107 + + Sculpture in Wax, 273 + + Season's Geniuses and Beauties (The), 147 + + Seating all the Commons' Members, 94 + + Seeing the "Apeiary" at the Zoo, 159 + + "Seniora Fawcett," 289 + + "'Shadowing' Members of Parliament," 298 + + Sketch at a Concert (A), 276 + + Small Servant at Registry Office, 11 + + Smith pursued by Opposition Bull, 278 + + Sprinkling Sweaters with Rose-water, 242 + + Stanley besieged by Invitations, 230 + + Stanley introducing East Africa to Lord Salisbury, 266 + + State of the Markets Illustrated, 240 + + Strictly Private Academy View, 214 + + Substance of Shadowed M.P.'s, 302 + + Succi as a Sandwich-Man, 229 + + Suggestions for Pictorial Directory, 240, 261 + + Swell and the Confounded Blacks, 119 + + Swell who is Colour-Blind (A), 90 + + Swell who made an Ass of himself, 114 + + Swell who was Thinking of Nothing, 3 + + "Swopping" Horses, 165 + + Taking an Interest in Criminal Law, 171 + + Tandem Leader and Posts, 297 + + Time's Effect on Celebrities Heads, 166 + + Tommy's Self-Denial in Lent, 191 + + Toole before and after Dinners, &c., 36 + + Training Children as Fasting People, 231 + + Unmuzzling Maud's Terrier, 251 + + Vicar's Wife and the Cracked Globe, 59 + + Volunteers Refreshing at Review, 179 + + Wife of a Man of Genius (The), 195 + + What to do with Our Artist's Pictures, 39 + + Why Goslin admires Miss Travers, 30 + + Why Shoddson's Servants wear Cockades, 222 + +[Illustration: FINIS] + + * * * * * + +LONDON: BRADBURY, AGNEW & CO. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, June 28 1890 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: August 24, 2010 [EBook #33526] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page301" id="page301"></a>[pg 301]</span> + +<h1>Punch, or the London Charivari</h1> + +<h2>Volume 98, June 28th 1890</h2> + +<h3><i>edited by Sir Francis Burnand</i></h3> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2>MODERN TYPES.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's own Type Writer.</i>)</h4> + +<h3>NO. XIV.—THE LADY FROM CLOUDLAND.</h3> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:450px;"><a href="images/301-900.png"><img src="images/301-450.png" width="450" height="428" alt="" /></a></div> + +<p><span class="sc">At</span> intervals of a few years the torpor of London Society is stirred +by the carefully disseminated intelligence that a new planet has +begun to twinkle in the firmament of fashion, and the telescopes of +all those who are in search of novelty are immediately directed to +the spot. Partially dropping metaphor, it may be stated that a +hitherto unknown lady emerges, like the planet, from a cloud under +which, as the envious afterwards declare, the greater part of her +previous existence has been spent. But Society, under the influence +of boredom, is tolerant of new sensations and of those who seek to +provide them. Those who guard its portals are, in these latter days, +bidden not to be over-curious in the inquiries they make of applicants +for admission, and eventually it may come to pass that the +approaches and avenues are opened as readily to one who comes +trailing clouds of obscurity, as to her +who shines with the steady lustre of +acknowledged position.</p> + +<p>The Lady from Cloudland soars +into the ken of fashion in various +places. Very often she is found for +the first time in the little mock +temple which pious worshippers at +the shrine of rank build for themselves +on the Riviera. They have +their ceremonial closely copied from +the London model. They dance, they +receive, they organise bazaars. They +launch out into tea-parties, and grow +warm over the discussion of scandals. +They elect unto themselves leaders, +and bow their foreheads to the dust +before the golden splendour of an +occasional scion of Royalty; in short, +they cling as closely as foreign skies +and foreign associations permit to the +observances which have made English +Society pre-eminent in its own respect, +and in the good-natured ridicule of +less-favoured nations. But since the +majority of them have come in search +of health, they cannot despise or +reject one who qualifies for consideration +and interest by suffering, and +who, to the piquancy of an unknown origin, adds the high recommendation +of good looks—which are not too good—of a cheerful +temper, and an easy tact, which can only come of much knowledge +of many worlds. Such a one is the Lady from Cloudland. Many +are the questions asked about her, and even more various are the +answers given. "My dear," one lady will say to another, at the +house of a common friend, where the Lady from Cloudland has +become the centre of a throng of admirers, "I hear, on the very best +authority, that her mother used to sell flowers in the City, and that +she herself was for some years a Circus Rider in America. Whenever +I meet her I feel a dreadful inclination to say <i>Houp-là!</i>, instead +of, How do you do?" To which her friend will reply that she, on +her side, has been informed that the lady in question was formerly +attached to the conjugal tribe of an Indian Rajah, and was rescued +by a Russian, whom she shortly afterwards poisoned. They will then +both invite her to their next entertainments, asking her by no means +to forget those delightful Burmese love-ditties which only she can +sing as they ought to be sung.</p> + +<p>The Lady from Cloudland, however, does not limit her ambition +to the hybrid Society of the South of France. She intends to make +for herself a position in London, the Mecca of the aspirant, and she +proposes to use those who thus console themselves with spitefulness +as stepping-stones for the attainment of her object. At the beginning +of the following London Season Society will learn, by means of +the usual paragraphs, that "Mrs. So-and-So, whose afternoon party +last year in honour of Prince —— was one of the most brilliant +successes of a brilliant Riviera Season, has taken the house in May +Fair, formerly occupied by Lord <span class="sc">Clanracket</span>." The reiteration of +this news in many journals will set tongues wagging in London. +Again the same questions will be asked, and different answers will +be returned. In due course she arrives, she receives and is received, +and she conquers. Henceforward her parties become one of the +features of the Season. In rooms arranged tastefully in an Oriental +style, with curtains, hangings, delicately worked embroideries, +woven mats of charming design and tropical plants, she welcomes +the throng who come at her invitation. She moves by degrees. +Contenting herself at first with a small <i>chargé d'affaires</i> or a Corean +plenipotentiary, she soon rises to a fully fledged Ambassador and a +bevy of secretaries and <i>attachés</i>. Her triumph culminates when she +secures a deposed monarch and his consort. She is clever, and knows +well that those whom she seeks to entice will overlook their own +ignorance with regard to her if only they can be certain of being +amused and interested in her house. She, therefore, contrives, without +transgressing the higher <i>convenances</i>, to banish all ceremonial +stiffness from her parties, and to import in its place an atmosphere +of cheerful gaiety and musical refinement. For, whatever she may +have once been, there can be no doubt that when London makes her +acquaintance she possesses, not only charming manners, but innumerable +accomplishments which are as salt to the jaded palate of +Society people. Thus she progresses from season to season, and from +success to success.</p> + +<p>In her second year she becomes a favoured guest in many country +houses, where an effort is made to relieve the tedium of daily shooting +parties by nightly frivolities. Soon afterwards she is presented +at Court, and becomes herself a patroness to many foreigners who +desire by the exercise of their talents to make a precarious living in +England. By these she is considered to be one of the suns from +which the great world draws its light +and warmth. In her third Season +she is sufficiently secure to introduce +into Society her daughter, aged +eighteen, who has hitherto (so she +will inform her friends) been receiving +a good education abroad. Accompanied +by "my little girl," she may +be seen, on fine afternoons, reclining +in her spick and span Victoria, in the +midst of the crowd in the Ladies' +Mile. She is thus hedged round with +a respectability which not even indiscreet +inquiries after her late husband +(for it is understood that he +died and left her in comfort many +years before) can disturb. She permits +herself occasionally, it is true, +to join <i>chic</i> parties at fashionable +restaurants, but these, since they are +often under titled patronage, can +scarcely be considered serious lapses +from propriety. After having herself +presented her daughter at Court, and +having given (in London) a party +which was attended by Royalty, she +is beyond the reach of cavil or +reproach. Here and there a jealous +and disappointed social rival may +still mutter dark hints about ancient vagaries, and meaning looks +may still be exchanged by male and female gossips, but for the +great mass of those who frequent Society she is as irreproachable +as though her ancestry for twenty generations had been set +down in the pages of <i>Burke</i> or <i>Debrett</i>. Eventually she marries +her daughter to the younger son of an Earl, and having made of the +marriage festivities <i>the</i> great social function of the Season, she herself +soon afterwards retires to some extent from the business of Society, +and devotes herself chiefly to the cultivation of simple pleasures and +hot-house flowers in a luxurious retreat on the banks of the Thames.</p> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div> + +<h2>MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.</h2> + +<h4><span class="sc">Social.</span></h4> + +<p class="ind1">"<i>Haven't missed a word you said</i>;"<br /> +<i>i.e.</i>, "Gracious! where was +she?"</p> + +<p class="ind1">"<i>Not exactly pretty, perhaps, but so nice</i>;"<br /> +<i>i.e.</i>, "As pappy in character as she is plain in face."</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">Railroad Amenities.</span></h4> + +<p class="ind1">"<i>No, thanks; reading in a railway carriage always tries my poor eyes so</i>;"<br /> +<i>i.e.</i>, "I've better occupation for them just now."</p> + +<p class="ind1">"<i>Pardon my drawing the blind; the glare in a railway carriage always makes my head ache</i>;"<br /> +<i>i.e.</i>, "Shows up my wrinkles and moustache-dye."</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">Theatrical.</span></h4> + +<p class="ind1">"<i>She is an intelligent and experienced artist</i>;"<br /> +<i>i.e.</i>, Much too old for the part.</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">Effusive Flattery.</span></h4> + +<p class="ind1">"<i>Thank you so much for your dear little Book of Poems. I +haven't read them yet, but next time we meet I'll tell you what I think of them</i>;"<br /> +<i>i.e.</i>, "I hereby make a solemn resolution, if I can possibly help it, never to meet you again in this life."</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">Perfunctory Apology.</span></h4> + +<p class="ind1">"<i>I hope I didn't hurt you. I'm sure I beg your pardon</i>;"<br /> +<i>i.e.</i>, "Stupid fool! Serves you right for sticking out your feet, and +tripping up everybody who happens to stumble on to them."</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page302" id="page302"></a>[pg 302]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:600px;"><a href="images/302-1000.png"><img src="images/302-360.png" width="360" height="470" alt="REDUCED TO A SHADOW!--Probable Result of Parliamentary Pressure." /></a> +<h4>REDUCED TO A SHADOW!—Probable Result of Parliamentary Pressure.</h4></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page303" id="page303"></a>[pg 303]</span> + +<h3>DIANA AT DINNER.</h3> + +<blockquote><p> +[On the first page of the prospectus of the recently-established +"Dorothy" Restaurant it is stated that it is for "Ladies only." +On the last page will be found the following modification:—"At +the request of many of the Lady customers, it has been decided +to open the Restaurant from 6·30 <span class="sc">P.M.</span> to 10 <span class="sc">P.M.</span> to both Ladies +and Gentlemen."] +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="sc">There</span> was started in London, I mustn't say where,</p> +<p class="i2">And, beyond saying lately, I mustn't say when,</p> +<p>A sweet Restaurant, where the sex that is fair</p> +<p class="i2">Might attend undisturbed by the presence of men.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"We are forced to endure you in Park and in Row,</p> +<p class="i2">We must bear you unwilling in hansom or 'bus;</p> +<p>But if any stray <i>here</i>, they shall meet with a No,—</p> +<p class="i2">So attempt not the haunt that is sacred to Us.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"Be warned, O intruder, nor venture to lag</p> +<p class="i2">When the nymphs of Diana the huntress draw nigh.</p> +<p>Fly, fly from their presence as fleet as a stag.</p> +<p class="i2">Lest you meet with the fate of Actæon, and die."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Thus the Ladies addressed us; the tables were set,</p> +<p class="i2">The silver was polished, the viands displayed.</p> +<p>And, like doves in a dove-cote, the customers met,</p> +<p class="i2">In a plumage of silks and of muslins arrayed.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"This is sweet!" said <span class="sc">Amanda</span>. "Delightful!" said <span class="sc">Jane</span>.</p> +<p class="i2">While the rest in a chorus of "Charming!" combined.</p> +<p>And, declaring they cared not if dishes were plain,</p> +<p class="i2">So the men remained absent, they solemnly dined.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And they toyed with their <i>entrées</i>, and sipped their Clicquot,</p> +<p class="i2">And their smiles were as sweet as the wine that they drank.</p> +<p>But at last came a whisper—"Oh dear, this is slow!"</p> +<p class="i2">"Hush, hush!" said the others. "How dreadfully frank!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"Not slow; but there's something—I scarcely know what,</p> +<p class="i2">An absence, a dulness I cannot define.</p> +<p>It may be the soup, which was not very hot,</p> +<p class="i2">Or the roast, or the waiting, the ice, or the wine.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>"But I'm sure there's a something." And so they agreed,</p> +<p class="i2">And they formed a Committee to talk of the case.</p> +<p>And a programme was issued for all men to read,</p> +<p class="i2">Bidding men (on page one) to abstain from the place.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But, since it is harder to ban than to bless,</p> +<p class="i2">"For their own sakes," they said, "we will humour the men."</p> +<p>If you turn to the last page, you'll find this P.S.:—</p> +<p class="i2">"Men allowed, by desire, from 6·30 to 10."</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:600px;"><a href="images/303-1000.png"><img src="images/303-415.png" width="415" height="471" alt="'Ullo! Dubois? You in London?'" /></a> + +<h3>TRUE NOSTALGIA.</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">Ullo! Dubois? You in London?</span>"</p> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Oui, mon ami. Je suis arrivé de Paris ce Matin, et j'y retourne ce +Soir par le Club-train!</span>"</p> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Is this the first time you've come to London?</span>"</p> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Non, mon ami. Mais c'est la première fois que j'y reste aussi +long-temps!</span>"</p></div> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div> + +<h2>WEEK BY WEEK.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">In</span> the course of last week it was universally remarked that the +<i>beau monde</i> betook itself by the usual methods of conveyance to +Ascot. A very smartly-appointed coach, horsed entirely by blue-black +hippogriffs, attracted much attention. The lunches were of +more than ordinary magnificence, and it was calculated that, during +the week, no less than 5,624,907 bottles of champagne were consumed. +The pigeon-pies were, as usual, composed mostly of beef.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>One charming toilette was the cynosure of neighbouring eyes in +the Enclosure. It was constructed of four gold <i>galons</i>, tastefully +distributed on a blue silk ground intended to represent the Lake of +Geneva. This was fringed with <i>passementerie</i> of the most ancient +design, and picked out with minute red spots arranged in geometrical +figures. The bonnet was composed of a single scrap of antique lace +folded over a threepenny bit.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>H.R.H. the Grand Duke of <span class="sc">Katzenjammer</span>, who is making a stay +of several weeks in the Metropolis, in order that he may study free +institutions on the spot, has been, we are informed, busily engaged +in writing and answering letters during the past three days.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>An interesting story, of which His Royal Highness is the hero, is +going the round of the Clubs. It appears that on his arrival at the +hotel in which he has established himself with his suite, the Grand +Duke, whose absence of mind is well known, forgot to remunerate +the cabman who had driven him. This individual, however, with +the rudeness which is still, we regret to say, characteristic of the +lower orders of our fellow countrymen, made repeated applications +for his money, and eventually threatened to call in a policeman or to +take out a summons. On this becoming known to the Grand Duke, +he at once gave orders that the cabman should be ushered into his +presence, and, after presenting him with a paper gulden, invested +him then and there with the order of the Golden Ball, at the same +time exclaiming that honesty and perseverance in humble life were +always worthy of commendation. The cabman is said to have been +much moved. In these democratic days, such instances of princely +condescension are not without value.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>We are requested by the Earl of <span class="sc">C-v-ntr-y</span> to state that he is sick +to death of the whole business, and has eliminated the word "enclosure" +from every dictionary he has been able to lay his hands on. He +had intended at first to admit nobody, but was overruled, and he cannot, +therefore, hold himself responsible for the presence of various +people who seemed to think that they ought to be treated like unseasonable +strawberries, first forced, then exhibited, and then swallowed.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>An amusing incident is reported from the remote frontier village of +Pusterwitz in Moldavia. A cobbler who had manufactured the boots +of the Burgomaster ventured to submit his bill for payment. The +populace, infuriated by this insult to their beloved Magistrate, after +binding the offender in calf at the local publishing office, proceeded +to slice him into small pieces with their <i>schneide-messers</i> (the native +knife), to the immense delight of a crowd of peasants from the +surrounding districts. The Burgomaster was much touched by this +proof of popular devotion.</p> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div> + +<p><span class="sc">Going Too Fast.</span>—M. <span class="sc">Alexandre Jacques</span>, who is announced as "a +rival to <span class="sc">Succi</span>," is at this moment dispensing with food at the Royal +Aquarium. He intends carrying out this self-denying programme for +two days beyond a couple of score—possibly as a proof of his fortitude +or (as a Cockney would pronounce the word) "forty-two'd." The last +time this talented person dispensed with sustenance, was in Edinburgh, +when he did not partake of any meal in the Douglas Hotel for thirty +days—a feat, one would think, that must have been more interesting +to the Medical Profession than the proprietor of the hostelry. However, +as M. <span class="sc">Jacques</span> fought for his country in 1870-71, he should be a most +pleasant guest for the next six weeks or so to dinner-givers with a +taste for economy.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page304" id="page304"></a>[pg 304]</span> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + +<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, June 16.</i>—"This is something like +old times," said <span class="sc">Tim Healy</span>, briskly rubbing his hands. "Poor +<span class="sc">Joseph Gillis</span>! pity he didn't live to see this night."</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 150px;"><a href="images/304a-480.png"><img src="images/304a-150.png" width="150" height="263" alt="At Bay." /></a> +<p class="center">At Bay.</p></div> + +<p>Very like old times, indeed. Seventy questions on the paper, +increased fourfold by others put arising out of the answer. Practice +is for Irish Members to put question; Prince <span class="sc">Arthur</span> reads answer +from manuscript supplied from Irish +Office; then uprise in succession +half-a-dozen other Irish Members, +each asking fresh question. Prince +<span class="sc">Arthur</span> with one leg crossed over +other and hand to chin sits looking +and listening; presently when there +is lull, lounges up to table and +makes answer. <span class="sc">Fergusson</span> looks on +in wonder. "What would become +of me," he said, "supposing after +I had read out my cut-and-dried +answer, half-a-dozen fellows sprang +on my back, and with fists in my +face demanded reply to quite new +question. I'm afraid I'd be lost."</p> + +<p>That exceedingly probable. <span class="sc">Fergusson's</span> +floundering when momentarily +adrift from sheet-anchor of +his written reply decidedly painful. +Prince <span class="sc">Arthur</span> saunters up to very +mouth of guns of battery opened on +him from Irish camp; looks straight +down them; fires his shot; and +saunters back; often a nasty shot, +too; plumps in middle of camp and +sets them all a roaring. This takes +place every night. To-night lasted +an hour. Once threatened repetition of scenes of decade after '74. +Would have so happened but for tact and presence of mind of +<span class="sc">Speaker</span>; cool and collected amid the clash of arms and roar of +constant cannonading. <span class="sc">John Dillon</span> standing with folded arms +and flashing eyes, "Like <span class="sc">Napoleon</span> when he couldn't cross the +Alps," said <span class="sc">Nicholas Wood</span>, looking on from a safe distance.</p> + +<p>The <span class="sc">Speaker</span> also on his feet with stern cry of "Order! Order!" +Long <span class="sc">John O'Connor</span> sitting on Bench below, darting straight up +and down, with swift regular movement, for all the world like the +piston of a steam-engine. Ministerialists bellowing in continuous +roar at <span class="sc">John Dillon</span>, still on his feet; uprises <span class="sc">John O'Connor</span> +with +intent to offer observation; roar redoubled; reaches demoniac proportions; +<span class="sc">John O'Connor</span> plops down again; noise partially subsides; +suddenly the piston discovered bolt upright; another roar; down it +goes; all the while the <span class="sc">Speaker</span> crying aloud for "Order!" and +<span class="sc">John Dillon</span> standing with fiercer frown and arms more tightly +folded.</p> + +<p>"What was it <span class="sc">Napoleon</span> said when he couldn't cross the Alps?" +<span class="sc">Nicholas</span> whispered, tremulously. "'If the Alps won't come to +<span class="sc">Mahomet</span>, <span class="sc">Mahomet</span> must go to the Alps.' No, I don't think it +was +quite that; but was something to that effect; and I'm sure something +will happen if <span class="sc">Dillon</span> doesn't sit down."</p> + +<p>Just when matters reaching crisis, <span class="sc">Dillon</span> gave way; the piston +on the bench below simultaneously ceased its action; and the +<span class="sc">Speaker</span>, in quiet, grave tones, that had immediately soothing effect, +suggested that, if any more information was required, it should be +sought in the usual way, by Questions placed on the Paper. <span class="sc">Johnston</span> +o' Ballykilbeg, who had overheard <span class="sc">Gill</span> incidentally allude to +Prince <span class="sc">Arthur</span> as prone to untruth, wanted the <span class="sc">Speaker</span> to take +notice of irregularity. But <span class="sc">Speaker</span> judiciously deaf. As for <span class="sc">John +O'Connor</span>, glad of a little rest.</p> + +<p>"All I wanted, <span class="sc">Toby</span>," he explained, "was to hurl the word +'Crime' in <span class="sc">Balfour's</span> teeth."</p> + +<p>"Exactly," I said; "nothing more natural or desirable. But +you should tone down the tendency towards the steam-engine-piston +action, for which, I do not deny, you possess some natural advantages."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—In Committee on Compensation Bill.</p> + +<p><i>Tuesday.</i>—"What's this I hear about Heligoland?" says +<span class="sc">Nicholas Wood</span>. Hardly knew him; so changed. A dull, heavy +look faded over his usually mobile countenance; his svelte figure +puffed out, and bent. "Only fortnight ago, <span class="sc">Sage of Queen +Anne's Gate</span> proposed to give up Heligoland; barter it for a case of +German Sausages, says he. <span class="sc">Fergusson</span> very properly angry; me +and other good Tories protested against this new Separatist policy. +Couldn't find Heligoland on the map."</p> + +<p>"Ha!" I say, "but Germany has found it, and taken it, and the +<span class="sc">Markiss</span> is willin'."</p> + +<p>"Very odd," says <span class="sc">Nicholas</span>; "can't make it out; like a thing +out of a play; never go to a play, you know, but understand this +sort of thing is somehow done: first you see it, then you don't; +Heligoland British territory; to be sacrificed only with last drop of +blood; Radical Separatists rapped on knuckles for suggesting handing +over; then we wake up, and find it's been handed over, and by +the <span class="sc">Markiss</span>! Tell you what it is, <span class="sc">Toby</span>, think I shall cut this +business; not brought up to politics; find them a little weakening."</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:150px;"><a href="images/304b-400.png"><img src="images/304b-150.png" width="150" height="358" alt="The Ladies' Man." /></a> +<p class="center">The Ladies' Man.</p></div> + +<p><span class="sc">Old Morality</span> announced programme for remainder of Session. +In bulk something exceeding ordinary +programme when brought in in February. +Now it is the so-called June; every +prospect of sitting till October; House +groans and growls; terrible charges +flying round; <span class="sc">Winterbotham</span> darkly +accuses Cabinet Minister of keeping a +public-house. <span class="sc">Hicks-Beach</span> admits soft +impeachment, but pleads it's "only a +little one, brings me in only £20 a-year +rent." "Miserable!" says <span class="sc">Newnes</span>, +who owns <i>Tit Bits</i>.</p> + +<p>General feeling of sympathy with +<span class="sc">Beach</span>. <span class="sc">Winterbotham</span> apologises; if +he'd known it was only £20 wouldn't +have said anything. <span class="sc">Old Morality</span>, in +his kind way, presses <span class="sc">Beach's</span> hand; has +troubles of his own to bear; but a man +who owns a public-house and draws only +£20 a-year from it, takes precedence in +sympathy.</p> + +<p>Over stern conflict and cantankerous +sitting, <span class="sc">Plunket</span> sheds beam of genial +humour. <span class="sc">Tim Healy</span> asks if there could +not be lift arranged to Ladies' Gallery. +"Too expensive," says <span class="sc">Plunket</span>. "Too +dear, he means," murmurs <span class="sc">Howorth</span>, +who runs <span class="sc">Dick Temple</span> close in his +devotion to the Ladies. "Why," objects +<span class="sc">George Campbell</span>, whose eye nothing +escapes, "there is already a lift for coal. +Why not substitute Ladies for coal?"</p> + +<p>"You see," said <span class="sc">Plunket</span>, smilingly, "we cannot do either +without coal or without Ladies, and it is difficult to combine them in +a lift."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">George Campbell</span> not sure. When he has time to withdraw his +thoughts from Central Asia, will look into the matter.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—In Committee on Compensation Bill. Ministerial +majority reduced to 29.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday.</i>—"I really can't do it," said <span class="sc">Maclure</span>. "Oh, you +must," said <span class="sc">Chaplin</span>; "hard work, +I know, but put on a spurt and +there you are."</p> + +<p>"Wish I <i>was</i> there," said <span class="sc">Maclure</span>, +mopping his forehead. "All +very well for slim young thing like +you; but seventeen stun isn't the +form for a short spin, especially +with these confounded steps." Scene—passage +by Cloak-room into House +of Commons; time 5·19 <span class="sc">P.M.</span>; bell +ringing furiously; Division imminent; +<span class="sc">Penrose Fitzgerald</span> with +jacket shorter than ever, trousers +turned up with a grace that maddens +with envy. <span class="sc">Bobby Spencer</span> and +<span class="sc">Lewisham</span>, on watch at top of +staircase.</p> + +<p>"Come along!" he shouts; "dividing +on First Clause of Compensation +Bill; <span class="sc">Sage of Queen Anne's +Gate</span> sprung a mine on us; got all +their men here; ours down at Ascot; +wouldn't be you for a quarter's +salary, <span class="sc">Chaplin</span>. Hurry up! hurry +up! Put your best leg forward, +<span class="sc">Maclure</span>!"</p> + +<p>"That's all very well," said +<span class="sc">Maclure</span>, testily; "but which <i>is</i> +my best leg?"</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width:150px;"><a href="images/304c-480.png"><img src="images/304c-150.png" width="150" height="301" alt="On Outpost Duty." /></a> +<p class="center">On Outpost Duty.</p></div> + +<p>The two heavy-weights pounded +gallantly along; been to Ascot; +thought they'd be back in plenty of time for Division; and here's +Division-bell at its last shake. <span class="sc">Hartington</span> come up with them; +striding ahead; wins easily; <span class="sc">Chaplin</span> reaches door of House just as +it is closing; with tremendous effort, <span class="sc">Maclure</span> pulls himself +together; throws himself on doorway; nothing could stand rush like +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page305" id="page305"></a>[pg 305]</span> +that; door bursts open; <span class="sc">Maclure</span> and Compensation Bill saved. +A very close shave. When Division taken, 228 vote for Government, +224 against; majority Four—the four who raced up the +staircase hot from Ascot.</p> + +<p>Crowded House in wild excitement. <span class="sc">Sage of Queen Anne's Gate</span> +consumed in bitterness of spirit. "If we'd divided half an hour ago +we should have had majority of 25; a quarter of an hour ago, ten +minutes ago, five minutes ago, sixty seconds earlier, we'd have won. +But those Irish Shylocks must have their pound of verbosity. +Couldn't resist temptation of putting an extra question, even for certainty +of defeating Government. When they're once started on +subject of shadowing, they go off by the hour."</p> + +<p>"Well, never mind," said <span class="sc">Gorst</span>; "you know it isn't the first +time in history that men have sacrificed the substance for the shadow."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—The Government's—very nearly.</p> + +<p><i>Friday.</i>—<span class="sc">Home Secretary</span> in the Dock; Sir <span class="sc">William +Harcourt</span>, +Q.C., instructed by Mr. <span class="sc">Henry Fowler</span> (Messrs. <span class="sc">Corser, +Fowler, & Langley</span>, Wolverhampton), prosecuted. Prisoner, who +was accommodated with a seat, conducted his own defence. After +long consultation, Jury could not agree, and were discharged without +a verdict.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Metropolitan Police Vote agreed to.</p> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div> + +<h3>THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.</h3> + +<p><i>Monday.</i>—<i>Carmen.</i> <span class="sc">Zélie</span> is the accepted <i>Carmen</i> this +season—no +better; and <span class="sc">Maggie Macintyre</span> as <i>Michaela</i>, which, being an +awkward name to pronounce, might be abbreviated to <i>Mickie</i>. <span class="sc">Dan +Drady</span> the Dramatic, excellent as <i>Escamillo</i>. One singer in a season +plays many parts, and one part is played by +several singers. How would a theatre succeed +conducted on this plan, so that the same play +should be produced on certain nights with a different +cast? Here is <span class="sc">Dan Drady</span>, for example; +he plays <i>Escamillo</i>, tragi-comedy, one night; +another time he is the noble <i>San Bris</i> in <i>Les +Huguenots</i>; another, he is <i>Figaro</i> the loquacious +<i>Barber of Seville</i>; another, he is the +devil-may-care gallant <i>Don Giovanni</i>; and, +though best in serious parts, he is good in all +of them. On other occasions, when <i>Carmen</i> +is given, the cast will be changed; some other +singer will represent <i>Escamillo</i>, or someone +will replace <span class="sc">Maggie</span> as <i>Mickie</i>; <span class="sc">Ravelli</span> the +Reliable will have been <i>Don José</i> once, and +then <span class="sc">Montariol</span> or <span class="sc">Ybos</span> (why Boss? Can't +yet make this out), or even <span class="sc">Jean de Reszké</span> +may represent the nincompoop soldier. Suppose <i>A Pair of Spectacles</i>, +with a change of cast, Mr. <span class="sc">Hare</span> out of it occasionally, and +Mr. ... Ah! there's the difficulty, Mr. Who, taking his part. +Imagine <i>Faust</i> without <span class="sc">Irving</span> as <i>Mephistopheles</i>. What a +big Company it would require! No; better leave well alone.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:150px;"><a href="images/305-325.png"><img src="images/305-150.png" width="150" height="254" alt="Mr Punch at the Opera." /></a></div> + +<p><i>Tuesday.</i>—<i>Faust.</i> Always a safe draw. Same cast as before. +Worth noting, that <span class="sc">Gounod</span> has given <i>Wagner</i> very little to do in +this +Opera, and that little not of his best. Evidently <span class="sc">Gounod</span> does not +possess a strong sense of humour, or he wouldn't have lost such a +chance as this. In the Kermesse Scene <i>Wagner</i> should have commenced +one of his own Wagnerian strains, in the Wagnerian style, +and been immediately stopped by the student's applause.</p> + +<p><i>Wednesday.</i>—<i>Le Nozze di Figaro.</i> Always charming. Should +like to see examination paper on the plot of <i>Le Nozze</i>, questions to +be answered without any reference to book.</p> + +<blockquote><p> +1. Give succinct and clear account of the plot.</p> + +<p>2. What connection with plot have <i>Figaro's</i> father and mother?</p> + +<p>3. What social position among the Count's guests are the ladies of +the ballet supposed to hold?</p> + +<p>4. Having stated this, account for their costumes.</p> + +<p>5. Why does Mlle. <span class="sc">Palladino</span>, the chief dancing guest, take no +sort of notice of <i>Il Conte</i> and <i>La Contessa</i>? Are they not on +speaking terms? If not, why not?</p> + +<p>6. Why is <i>Don Bartolo</i> always made up and costumed as a +superior Pantaloon? +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Delighted again to see <span class="sc">Ella Russell</span> as <i>Susanna</i>. To think that +only the other evening she was the graceful and stately <i>Queen +Marguerite</i> in <i>Les Huguenots</i>, and now she is a <i>soubrette très +piquante</i>. +There are other pages in Madame <span class="sc">Scalchi's</span> history—the page in <i>the +Huguenots</i>, for example, and his twin brother in <i>Lucrezia +Borgia</i>—which +like me more than her <i>Cherubino</i>. Vocally <span class="sc">Dan Drady</span> the +Dramatic is all right; but he is too severe for <i>Figaro</i> the barber. +Good house considering it is Ascot week, and on this night when such +sad rumours are in the air, everyone sincerely delighted at seeing the +Marchioness of <span class="sc">Lorne</span> in the Royal Box.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday.</i>—<i>Cup Day</i>, Ascot. <i>Roméo et Juliette.</i> Most +appropriate: +<i>Juliette</i> takes the Cup.</p> + +<p><i>Friday, Don Giovanni</i>; and <i>Saturday, Lucia</i>. This deponent +sings, "Not there, not there, my child!" "Eye hath not seen,"—I +mean, "<i>I</i> have not seen" these two on these two particular occasions; +but I believe that, in consequence of my absence, the Opera went on +as usual, and <span class="sc">Druriolanus</span> did not have to come before the Curtain +and make an apology.</p> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div> + +<h2>IN THE KNOW.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet.</i>)</h4> + +<p><span class="sc">The</span> crass and pernicious dulness of some people exceeds belief. +There exists at the office of this paper a <i>person</i>—he is absolutely +unworthy of any other designation—who presumed last week to +abstain from inserting in these columns the article to which the +sporting millions of his fellow countrymen were looking for information +with reference to the Ascot doings. I have no doubt whatever +that <i>he himself used the hints</i> which that article contained, for I have +since seen him in a brand-new hat and a gold watch-chain, the result +of his ill-gotten gains. For my own sake I am forced to explain this +sinister business, lest the preposterous suet-headed Mr. J. should +triumph, and my readers should suppose for a moment that I would +willingly disappoint them. I have kept a copy of what I wrote, and +I here transcribe some of it in self-defence.</p> + +<p>"With regard to the Royal Hunt Cup," I observed, "only a bat-eyed +bargee, with the brains of a molluscous monkey, could fail to +see the merits of <i>Morion</i>. <i>Morion</i>, it is well known, is an open +helmet, but it doesn't follow from that that the Hunt Cup is an open +event. Far from it. Visor, or no visor, those who elect to stand on +<i>Morion</i>, need anticipate no trouble from anything else, for <i>Morion</i> +is as certain to win the race as Mr. J. is to make a green-gooseberry +fool of himself before another week is out." There was accuracy. +No silly beating about the bush, but a straightforward piece of information, +which not even the great band of boozy Bedlamites and +buffoons who dance attendance on Mr. J. could have mistaken. But, +as I said, no blame attaches to me in the matter.</p> + +<p>Now then with regard to the Gold Cup. I said: "In the Gold +Cup the old adage holds, <i>Medio tutissimus ibis</i>. The Ibis, I may +mention, though he was an Egyptian bird, cannot be termed a flyer. +However, take the three words <i>The Gold Cup</i>, select the middle word, +open your mouth, bung up the eyes of anyone who impedes you, and +wire to your Commissioner." The middle word was "Gold," and +<i>Gold</i>, of course, won the Cup that was of, <i>or</i> belonging to him. Ask +Prince <span class="sc">Soltykoff</span> if am right or wrong. And for the rest, if any +fuddling, bolus-brained, bran-faced, turnip-tongued, hippopotamus-headed +moon-calf doubts my word, let him remember that there are +pistols for two—<i>and coffee for one</i>, in Belgium, and let him tremble.</p> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div> + +<h3>THE WAY WE SHALL LIVE SOON.</h3> + +<h4>(<i>From the Diary of the Automatically Conducted.</i>)</h4> + +<p>7 <span class="sc">A.M.</span>—Turned out of automatically constructed bed and deposited +on the floor. Am picked up and hurled into an automatic dressing, +washing, and shaving chair, after which, being dressed by self-acting +machinery, descend by switchback lift to dining-room, where I am +fed by an "automatic private breakfast supplier" while listening to +last night's speeches in the House, and the latest gossip, furnished by +one of the "<i>Phonographic Association's Parliamentary and Social +Scandal Machines</i>."</p> + +<p>10 <span class="sc">A.M.</span>—Take automatic horse exercise, and am thrown twice, +being picked up each time automatically by a self-registering and +revolving automatic policeman.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Noon.</span>—Attend the marriage of a favourite niece, assisting at the +subsequent social entertainment which is supplied to the assembled +guests on the platform of a West-End terminus from one of the +"Twopenny Wedding Breakfast Company's Automatic Machines," +the Bridegroom at the same time presenting the Bridesmaids with a +handsome Penny Piece of Jewellery from a similar source.</p> + +<p>4 <span class="sc">P.M.</span>—Hair cut automatically, but, owing to some want of nice +adjustment in the machinery, having managed to get ears clipped +smartly at the same time, put penny into slot and consult an +automatic pillar-post. Eventually get my head (and my hat too, +by mistake) strapped up by patent automatic binder in the ward of +an automatically conducted Hospital.</p> + +<p>8 <span class="sc">P.M.</span>—Dine automatically with automatic halfpenny appetite, +listening to Phonographic Italian Opera at one of Metropolitan +District Underground Stations.</p> + +<p>10 <span class="sc">P.M.</span>—Dragged up-stairs mechanically by switch-back lift, and +have my boots pulled off by machinery, being automatically flung +into a hot bath, turned out, scrubbed, lifted out, dried by a revolving +towel, and eventually thrown into bed and tucked up, and finally +sent to sleep by Phonograph repeating good things said by funny +man at previous day's evening-party.</p> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div> + +<p><span class="sc">The Monro Doctrine</span> (<i>not to be adopted by Sir Edward Bradford</i>). +That the control of the legislative proposals of the Government should +be "a question of police."</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page306" id="page306"></a>[pg 306]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:600px;"><a href="images/306-1500.png"><img src="images/306-600.png" width="600" height="392" alt="INFELICITOUS QUOTATIONS." /></a> +<h4>INFELICITOUS QUOTATIONS.</h4> + +<p><i>Jones (after a delightful Waltz).</i> "<span class="sc">And now, Miss Brown, let us go and +seek some 'Refreshment for Man and Beast!</span>'"</p></div> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div> + +<h2>"GIVEN AWAY WITH A POUND OF TEA!"</h2> + +<h4><i>A Song of (Imperial) Shop.</i></h4> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="sc">Oh</span>, nice little, plump little German boy,</p> +<p class="i2">Approaching the Counter of B. & Co.,</p> +<p>You never, most probably, hoped to enjoy</p> +<p class="i2">In the way of business—a way <i>you</i> know—</p> +<p>An opportunity half so good</p> +<p class="i2">For doing a smart little stroke of trade.</p> +<p><span class="sc">Bull's</span> Shopman, you see, is in generous mood,</p> +<p class="i2">As "wonderful bargains" his wares are arrayed,</p> +<p>And treasures,—no wonder you jump with glee!</p> +<p>Are "Given away with a Pound of Tea!"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Do ut des!</i> That's the motto, of course,</p> +<p class="i2"><i>The</i> motto of Shop in the Fatherland;</p> +<p>It was laid down by <span class="sc">Otto</span> with lucid force,</p> +<p class="i2">And <span class="sc">Caprivi</span> its bearings doth understand.</p> +<p>But the man at the Counter of <span class="sc">John Bull's</span> Stores,</p> +<p class="i2">The drift of the doctrine seems hardly to grasp;</p> +<p>So his Teuton customer collars and scores.</p> +<p class="i2">He's stolid and 'cute, or he'd stare and gasp</p> +<p>To see the possessions of Mr. <span class="sc">John B</span>.</p> +<p>"Given away with a Pound of Tea!"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Pays for 'em? Humph! With a Zanzibar cheque;</p> +<p class="i2">Like a "Bank of Elegance" counterfeit note,</p> +<p>Or a draft on oneself; worth a penny a peck.</p> +<p>Such paper as this on the market to float!</p> +<p class="i2">Giving you what is yours, or at least is not <i>his</i>,</p> +<p>In exchange for whatever he happens to want,</p> +<p class="i2">Is what slangy Sportsmen call "very good biz,"</p> +<p>For <i>him</i>, though for you, <span class="sc">Bull</span>, it looks like a "plant,"</p> +<p>Have you any more goods, <span class="sc">Bull</span>, you'd like to see</p> +<p>"Given away with a Pound of Tea?"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Kilima Njara, no doubt, was a boon,</p> +<p class="i2">To the innocent butterfly-hunting boy.</p> +<p>(Who sups with the—Teuton, should have a long spoon,</p> +<p class="i2">For his appetite's eager and dainties don't cloy.)</p> +<p>The Hinterland comes in most handy, no doubt,</p> +<p class="i2">And then that nice bonus of Heligoland!</p> +<p>Ah, truly, the Teuton knows what he's about.</p> +<p class="i2">But Shopman <span class="sc">Salisbury</span>, why should he stand</p> +<p>And advertise goods of his master J. B.</p> +<p>As "Given away with a Pound of Tea?"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>What's the next article? Pray, do not shrink</p> +<p class="i2">From "giving a name to it," small German boy;</p> +<p>The Shopman so smiles, one might verily think</p> +<p>That "parting's" <i>not</i> "sorrow," but what he'll enjoy.</p> +<p class="i2">"Surrender," and "Scuttle," and all the bad terms</p> +<p>Once hurled at "the Shirkers" to roost now return.</p> +<p class="i2">Where <i>is</i> the last Jingo? One fancies he squirms</p> +<p>And invokes <span class="sc">Ashmead-Bartlett</span>. Could he Jingos spurn,</p> +<p>Do worse—the old Shopman, false W.G.—</p> +<p>Than cry, "Given away with a Pound of Tea?"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Though a bargain's a bargain, and not a bad stroke</p> +<p class="i2">When a little good-nature secures a firm friend,</p> +<p>Reciprocity all on one side's a poor joke,</p> +<p class="i2">And a bargain that's bad is a bargain to mend.</p> +<p>That German is not yet gone out of the shop,</p> +<p class="i2">Recall him a moment—to look at that cheque!</p> +<p>It may not be one that a banker would stop,</p> +<p class="i2">But is it "Good Value"? This rede you may reck,</p> +<p>Mr. Shopman, <i>sans</i> shame. 'Tis pure fiddle-dedee</p> +<p class="i2">To give <i>too</i> much away with your Pound of Tea!</p> + </div> </div> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div> + +<h3>HARROW OR HANVER?</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">From</span> an all-too-brief correspondence in +the <i>P. M. G.</i>, we learn that Mr. <span class="sc">John +Addington Symonds</span> is very angry with +Mr. <span class="sc">Frank Harris</span> for a statement appearing +in a <i>Fortnightly Review</i> article of his, +that he "went to Hanver at the age of +thirteen." Mr. <span class="sc">Symonds</span> explains that it +was to Harrow that he went at that period +of his life, and that he has never been to +Hanver at all—which, no doubt, is a matter +of great importance to mankind in general. +He complains, moreover, that his essay is +"villanously ill-edited." Surely this is what +<i>Polonius</i> would call "an ill-phrase," and +suggests a doubt whether Mr. <span class="sc">Symonds</span> +cultivated much at Harrow those "ingenuous +arts," the study of which "softens the +manners and does not permit them to be +brutal." Perhaps it is not even now too late +for him to pick them up. He might try Hanver.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page307" id="page307"></a>[pg 307]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:400px;"><a href="images/307-1000.png"><img src="images/307-370.png" width="370" height="475" alt="'GIVEN AWAY WITH A POUND OF TEA!!!'" /></a> +<h4>"GIVEN AWAY WITH A POUND OF TEA!!!"</h4></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page308" id="page308"></a>[pg 308]</span><br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page309" id="page309"></a>[pg 309]</span> + +<h3>THE LADIES' YEAR.</h3> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>Miss Margaret Alford (of Girton) Niece of scholarly Dean Alford, is +announced in one of the four "Senior Classes" at Cambridge.</i></p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"<span class="sc">A Dream</span> of Fair Women"—who shine in the Schools,</p> +<p>The Muse should essay ere her ardour quite cools.</p> +<p>Come, bards, take your lyres and most carefully tune 'em,</p> +<p>For Girton in glory now pairs off with Newnham.</p> +<p>Miss <span class="sc">Fawcett</span> the latter with victory wreathed,</p> +<p>And now, ere the males from their marvel are breathed,</p> +<p>Miss <span class="sc">Margaret Alford</span>, the niece of the Dean,</p> +<p>As a Classical First for the former is seen.</p> +<p>Let Girton toast Newnham, and Newnham pledge Girton,</p> +<p>And—let male competitors put a brisk "spurt" on,</p> +<p>Lest when modern Minerva adds learning to grace,</p> +<p>Young Apollo should find himself out of the race!</p> + </div> </div> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<div class="figleft" style="width:200px;"><a href="images/309-730.png"><img src="images/309-200.png" width="200" height="253" alt="The Mephistophelian Whistlerian Butterfly 'On the pounce at Antwerp.'" /></a> +<p class="center">The Mephistophelian Whistlerian Butterfly "On the Pounce" at Antwerp.</p></div> + +<p>"<i>The Gentle Art of making Enemies, as pleasantly exemplified +in many instances," &c., &c.</i> (for full title see the book itself) is, +whatever "<i>Messieurs les Ennemis</i>" may think of it, a work of rare +humour. Of course you must first of all be interested in King +<span class="sc">James</span> and his subjects,—his principal subject being himself, +(and lucky the man who can <i>command himself</i>)—and you must +wish to know the story of his rights and wrongs; then this interest and +desire being taken for granted, the book of the butterfly is a thing of +beauty and a joy for now and ever. +The heads are +epigrammatic and the tails sprightly, and both eminently characteristic, +for the heads tell their own tales, and the tails in tadpolian +scheme are the outcome of the heads. Most of the waggery is in +these tailpieces, which, one and all of them, represent +the real Whistlerian spirit, "the Familiar" of <span class="sc">Etcher James</span>, that is +the Demoniacal Butterfly "in various aspics," as Mrs. <span class="sc">Malaprop</span> might +say. Does the Butterfly's Master address "<i>Messieurs les Ennemis</i>," +the Familiar Spirit is all politeness, with head down and wings outstretched +saluting before coming to "on guard." Does Master "rid +himself of the friendship of the many?"—the little Demon shakes a reef +out of his tail and flies upwards, to return after a short flight of fancy. +On occasions when Master has been reflecting comically and satirically +on some of his attackers, or on his detractors, the volatile Imp +literally shakes his sides with uncontrollable laughter, and can't +stand upright for very mirth. The famous "Ten o'clock" which +has been immortalised by <i>Mr. Punch</i> as the "Ten-and-sixpenny +o'clock," in consequence of the tickets being half-a-guinea apiece, +is here reprinted. <span class="sc">Prospero Whistler</span> packs up his bag of tricks, +buries his wand, makes his bow with a little speech at a testimonial +dinner given to him by his friends, and the Familiar Demon Butterfly, +free at last, darts into space, leaves "Finis" below,—then, you +turn over the page, all is blank,—Magician and Familiar have +vanished!</p> + +<p><span class="sc">David Stott</span>, not of Oldham, but of Oxford Street, publishes +dainty little pocket volumes, and here is one yclept <i>Essays or Counsels +of Francis Bacon</i>. "Put it in the bag!" says the Baron, "and +let it be my travelling companion, so that, whenever I want refreshment +I may feed on <span class="sc">Bacon</span>, that many-sided philosopher." It is a +wonderfully handy volume, tastefully and substantially bound, and +its type of the very clearest. Much-occupied men, who can only +snatch here a moment and there a moment for reading, ought to be +grateful to the inventors and the publishers of all handy books, +meaning, says the Baron, books which are really handy, and which, +without destroying the natural elegance of your figure or the set of +your garments, you can carry comfortably and imperceptibly in your +tail coat pocket.</p> + +<p><i>Notes from the News.</i> By <span class="sc">James Payn</span>. (<span class="sc">Chatto and +Windus.</span>) +Notes on passing events of all sorts, spiced with capital stories, which +will indeed be a big capital to be drawn upon by the dining-out +<i>raconteur</i>,—the only thing against his present success being that +most persons will have read these stories in <i>The Illustrated London +News</i> or in this volume. It is a book for the weary work-all-day man +to dip into, and to come out of it again refreshed. When in doubt as +to what light reading to take up, the Baron advises, "Take <span class="sc">Payn's</span>."</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">Baron de Book-Worms.</span></p> + +<p>P.S.—My faithful "Co." has been revelling in the Summer Holiday +Number of <i>All The Year Round</i>, which consists of a complete +story entitled, <i>A Mist of Error</i>, by <span class="sc">Mary Angela Dickens</span>. The +authoress is the granddaughter of the great novelist, and the daughter +of his son, the most popular of editors, and the best of good fellows. +My "Co." reports, that the novelette is full of promise, and is a +proof that literary genius is hereditary. Interesting from the first +page to the last, <i>A Mist of Error</i>, in spite of its title, is never +suggestive of a fog. My faithful "Co." is also delighted with <i>Men +of the Time Birthday Book</i>, compiled by Mr. <span class="sc">J. F. Boyes</span>, F.S.A.—a +charming little Volume that everyone will be proud to possess. +He prophesies that it will be one of the most popular of Birthday +Books, and congratulates its compiler on the production of a work of +distinct historical value.</p> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div> + +<h3>A GREAT GUNN.</h3> + +<blockquote><p> +[<span class="sc">Gunn</span>, the great Notts' Batsman, playing for the Players of England +against the Australians at Lords, on June 19 and 20, made 228 runs, the +highest individual score ever made in this country against the Australians.] +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="sc">Such</span> calm, graceful batting, of funk as defiant,</p> +<p class="i2">As proof against flurry, deserved the crowd's roar.</p> +<p>'Twas Cricket, indeed, when the Nottingham Giant,</p> +<p class="i2">Against the best batting, piled up that huge score;</p> +<p>And the crowd as they watched him smite, play, block, or run,</p> +<p class="i2">Could grasp the full meaning of "Sure as a <span class="sc">Gunn</span>!"</p> + </div> </div> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div> + +<h3>ROBERT AT THE LEATHERSELLERS'.</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">We</span> had been so preshus busy at "the Grand Hotel" lately, that +I hadn't seen werry much of my deer old Citty, but larst week I +was arsked for to go and offishyate there at the jolly Leathersellers +Company's Grand Dinner, as they was about to have a very distangy +Party including one of our most sellybrated Hartist's, who's that +poplar that ewerybody calls him <span class="sc">'Arry</span> instead of <span class="sc">'Enery</span>, as +must +in course have been the name as his godmothers and godfathers gav +him when he was quite young and had his fust taste of a cold Bath, +and most probberbly didn't like it.</p> + +<p>So I went accordingly, and a werry scrumpshus Bankwet they +had, includin them trewly Royal luxeries '80 Shampane and '47 +Port! Ah! what a thing it must be to be a Royal or a Nobel +persson, and to live on all the Fat of the Land, and wash it all down +with nothink yunger than '80 shampain and '47 Port! And no +matter where you gos, or weather it's to lay down a Fust Stone, or +to Hopen a Hexibishun, or to take a Chair at a nobel Charity Dinner, +there it is all reddy for you, and a hole crowd of Peeple a watching +you a eating and a drinking of 'em, and a thanking you artily for +taking the trubble of doing so! Ah! I sumtimes werrily beleeves +as that my nateral tastes tells me as I was horiginally hintended +for sum such useful life myself!</p> + +<p>Well, arter the Bankwet of course we had all the reglar gushing +speeches, and werry bewtifool but rather lengthy they was, but +presently a sumthink appened as more estonished me praps than +anythink as has appened to me for some time past.</p> + +<p>The hartistick and poplar Gent as ewerybody calls <span class="sc">Arry Furnace</span> +was called upon to return thanks for Hart, when to my intense +estonishment, and ewerybody else's emusement, he acshally said as +how as his frend "<span class="sc">Robert</span>," seeing how garstly pale he turned +when he was told wot he wood have to do, had writ down for him +6 lines of most bewtifool Poetry, which he at wunce proceeded to +recite, and sat down amid enthusiastick cheers and shouts of larfter! +Seeing my look of puzzled surprise, he kindly turned round to me +and said, "Look here, <span class="sc">Robert</span>, as I've rather taken a libberty with +your honnerd name, I'll repay you by taking another with your +well-known features," and borrowing a bewtifool pencil of me, that +I had bort the day before for a penny, he acshally sketched three +likenesses of me in his Book of the Songs, and giving it to me, said, +with his merry laugh. "There, I hope that will console you for my +bit of harmless fun;" and from what I was offered for my three +sketches when I showed 'em about, after he was gone, I thinks, that +upon the whole, I got a werry good share of the larf on my own side +of the mouth.</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">Robert.</span></p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page310" id="page310"></a>[pg 310]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:500px;"><a href="images/310-1000.png"><img src="images/310-360.png" width="360" height="468" alt="TRYING POSITION OF AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN." /></a> +<h4>TRYING POSITION OF AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN.</h4> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">He determines to try the Automatic Photographing Machine, +the Station being empty. To his dismay a Crowd has +gathered, and watches the Operation.</span></p></div> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div> + +<h2>AN IDEAL INTERVIEWER.</h2> + +<h4><span class="sc">Scene</span>—<i>Den of latest Lion.</i></h4> + +<p class="ind"><i>Latest Lion (perusing card with no visible signs of gratification.)</i> +Confound it! don't remember telling the Editor of <i>Park Lane</i> I'd +let myself be interviewed. Suppose I must have, though. (<i>Aloud +to</i> Servant, <i>who is waiting</i>.) You can show the Gentleman up.</p> + +<p class="ind"><i>Servant (returning).</i> Mr. <span class="sc">Walsingham Jermyn</span>!</p> + +<p class="ind1">[<i>A youthful Gentleman is shown in; he wears a pink-striped +shirt-front, an enormous button-hole, and a woolly frock-coat, +and is altogether most expensively and fashionably +attired, which, however, does not prevent him from appearing +somewhat out of countenance after taking a seat.</i></p> + +<p class="ind"><i>The L. L. (encouragingly).</i> I presume, Mr. <span class="sc">Jermyn</span>, you're here +to ask me some questions about the future of the British East +African Company, and the duty of the Government in the matter?</p> + +<p class="ind"><i>Mr. Jermyn (gratefully).</i> Er—yes, that's what I've come about, +don't you know—that sort of thing. Fact is (<i>with a burst of confidence</i>), +this isn't exactly my line—I've been rather let in for this. +You see, I've not been by way of doin' this long—but what's a +fellow to do when he's stony-broke? Got to do <i>somethin</i>', don't +you know. So I thought I'd go in for journalism—I don't mean +the drudgery of it, leader-writin' and that—but the light part of it, +<i>Society</i>, you know. But the other day, man who does the interviews +for <i>Park Lane</i> (that's the paper I'm on) jacked up all of a +sudden, and my Editor said I'd better take on his work for a bit, +and see what I made of it. I wasn't particular. You see, I've +always been rather a dead hand at drawin' fellows out, leadin' them +on, you know, and all that, so I knew it would come easy enough +to me, for all you've got to do is to sit tight and let the other chap—I +mean to say, the man you're interviewin'—do all the talking, +while you—I mean to say, myself—keep, keeps—hullo, I'm getting +my grammar a bit mixed; however, it don't signify—<i>I</i> keep quiet +and use my eyes and ears like blazes. Talking of grammar, I +thought when I first started that I should get in a regular hat over +the grammar, and the spellin', and that—<i>you</i> write, don't you, +when you're not travellin'? So you know what a grind it is to +spell right. But I soon found they kept a Johnny at the office with +nothing to do but put all your mistakes right for you, so, soon as I +knew that, I went ahead gaily.</p> + +<p class="ind"><i>The L. L.</i> Exactly, and now, perhaps, you will let me know +what particular information you require?</p> + +<p class="ind"><i>Mr. J.</i> Oh, <i>you</i> know the sort of thing the public likes—they'll +want to know what sort of diggings you've got, how you dress +when you're at home, and all that, how you write your books, now—you +do write books, don't you? Thought so. Well, that's what +the public likes. You see, your name's a good deal up just now—no +humbug, it <i>is</i> though! Between ourselves, you know, I think the +whole business is the balliest kind of rot, but they've got to have +it, so there you are, don't you see. I don't pretend to be a well-read +sort of fellow, never was particularly fond of readin' and that; +no time for it, and besides, I've always said <i>Books</i> don't teach you +knowledge of the world. I know the world fairly well—but I didn't +learn it from books—ah, you agree with me there—<i>you</i> know what +skittles all that talk is about education and that. Well, as I was +sayin', I don't read much, I see the <i>Field</i> every week, and a clinkin' +good paper it is, tells you everythin' worth knowin', and I read the +<i>Pink Un</i>, too. Do you know any of the fellows on it? Man I know +is a great friend of one of them, he's going to introduce me some +day, I like knowin' literary chaps, don't you? You've been about +a good deal, haven't you? I expect you must have seen a lot, +travellin' as you do. I've done a little travellin' myself, been +to Monte Carlo, you know, and the Channel Islands—<i>you</i> ever been +to the Channel Islands? Oh, you ought to go, it's a very cheery +place. Talkin' of Monte Carlo, I had a rattlin' good time at the +tables there; took out a hundred quid, determined I would have a +downright good flutter, and Jove! I made that hundred last me +over five days, and came away in nothing but my lawn-tennis +flannels. That's what I <i>call</i> a flutter, don't you know! Er—beastly +weather we're havin'! You have pretty good weather +where you've been? A young brother of mine has been out for a +year in Texas—he said <i>he</i>'d very good weather—of course that's +some way off where <i>you</i>'ve come from—Central Africa, isn't it? +Talkin' of my brother, what do you think the young ass did?—went +out there with a thousand pounds, and paid it all down to +some sportsmen who took him to see some stock they said belonged +to them—of course he found out after they'd off'd it that they +didn't own a white mouse among 'em! But then, <span class="sc">Dick's</span> one of +those chaps, you know, that think themselves so uncommon knowing, +they <i>can't</i> be had. I always told him he'd be taken in someday if +he let his tongue wag so much—too fond of hearing himself talk, +don't you know, great mistake for a young fellow; sure to say somethin' +you'd better have let alone. I suppose you're getting rather +sick of all these banquets, receptions, and that? They do you very +well, certainly. I went to one of these Company dinners some time +ago, and they did me as well as I've ever been done in my life, +but when you've got to sit still afterwards and listen to some chap +who's been somewhere and done somethin' jawin' about it by the +hour together without a check, why, it's not <i>good</i> enough, I'm +hanged if it is! Well, I'm afraid I can't stay any longer—my +time's valuable now, don't you know. I daresay yours is, too. +I'm awfully glad to have had a chat with you, and all that. I +expect you could tell me a lot more interesting things, only of course +you've got to keep the best of 'em to put in your book—you <i>are</i> +writin' a book or somethin', ain't you? Such heaps of fellows are +writin' books nowadays, the wonder is how any of 'em get read. +I shall try and get a look at yours, though, if I come across it anywhere; +hope you'll put some amusin' things in,—nigger stories and +that, don't make it too bally scientific, you know. Directly I get +back, I shall sit down, slick off, and write out all you've told me. +I shan't want any notes, I can carry it all in my head, and of +course I shan't put in anything you'd rather I didn't, don't you know.</p> + +<p class="ind"><i>The L. L. (solemnly).</i> Mr. <span class="sc">Jermyn</span>, I place implicit confidence +in your discretion. I have no doubt whatever that your head, Sir, +is more than capable of containing such remarks as I have found +it necessary to make in the course of our interview. I like your +system of extracting information, Sir, very much. Good morning.</p> + +<p class="ind"><i>Mr. Jermyn (outside).</i> Nice pleasant-spoken fellow—trifle long-winded, +though! Gad, I was so busy listenin' I forgot to notice +what his rooms were like or anythin'! How would it do to go back? +No, too much of a grind. Daresay I can manage to fox up somethin'. +I shall tell the Chief what he said about my system. Chief don't +quite know what I <i>can</i> do yet—this will open his eyes a bit.</p> + +<p class="right1">[<i>And it does.</i></p> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double-rule" border="0" /></div> + +<p><span class="sc">The Hare Apparent.</span>—I forgot to record last week that Saturday, +the 14th, was the hundredth night of the <i>Pair of Spectacles</i>, and +the silver wedding of Mr. <span class="sc">Hare's</span> stage career. The occasion was +celebrated at the Garrick with a supper given by Mr. <span class="sc">Hare</span> to old +friends and comrades. It was an illustration of "<i>The Hare and +many Friends</i>," only it wasn't a fable—it was a fact. As closely +associated with <span class="sc">Hare</span> at various dinner-tables, I beg to sign myself,</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">Currente Jelli Calamo.</span></p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figleft1" style="width: 32px;"><img src="images/finger.png" width="32" height="14" alt="finger pointing" border="0" /></div> + <p class="center" style="margin-top: -0.2em;"> <b>NOTICE.</b>—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page311" id="page311"></a>[pg 311]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:600px;"><a href="images/311-1500.png"><img src="images/311-600.png" width="600" height="334" alt="INDEX" /></a> +</div> + +<table summary="Index" align="center" width="70%" border="0" style="margin-top: 3em;"> + +<tr><td class="left" style="width: 50%;"><span class="sc">After</span> "The May," </td><td class="right" style="width: 50%;">297</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">After the Review, </td><td class="right">174</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">All for the Sake of the Army, </td><td class="right">98</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">All in Play, </td><td class="right">229</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Among the Amateurs, </td><td class="right">11, 25, 52</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Ana," </td><td class="right">37</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Another "Competitive," </td><td class="right">96</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Another of Robert's Xstrornerry Adwenturs, </td><td class="right">99</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Another Title for the Guide to the Exhibition at the New Gallery, </td><td class="right">27</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Answers to Correspondents, </td><td class="right">9, 13, 57, 65, 169</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">'Arry on Equality, </td><td class="right">85</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Art of Blacking Boots (The), </td><td class="right">264</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Ask a P'liceman!" </td><td class="right">291</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Ask a White Man! </td><td class="right">280</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Astral Complication (An), </td><td class="right">117</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">At his Mayerjesty's, </td><td class="right">293</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">At Sea in an Easter Egg-shell, </td><td class="right">170</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">At the Porte St. Martin, </td><td class="right">33</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Au Revoir! </td><td class="right">73</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Autocrat (The), </td><td class="right">254</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Avenue Theatre, <br /><br /></td><td class="right">89<br /><br /></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left"><span class="sc">Babe</span> o' Grace (A), </td><td class="right">186</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Baby Bung," </td><td class="right">234</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Back to Backs, </td><td class="right">291</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Ballad of Evil Speed (A), </td><td class="right">3</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Ballad of the Earl's Breeks (The), </td><td class="right">273</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Basta, Faster! </td><td class="right">169</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Beer, </td><td class="right">268</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Big Gun!" (The), </td><td class="right">114</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Bitter Cry of the London Rider Haggard and Jaded, </td><td class="right">268</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Boat-Race Vision (A), </td><td class="right">147</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Britons never will be Slaves!" </td><td class="right">54</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Buffalo Bill and Leo Pope, </td><td class="right">124</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Bullying poor "Bully," </td><td class="right">202</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Burglar's Back (The), </td><td class="right">138</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Busy (J.) B. (The), <br /><br /></td><td class="right">2<br /><br /></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left"><span class="sc">Calls</span> for the Public Prosecutor? </td><td class="right">47</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Captain of the "Paris" (The). </td><td class="right">63</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Chant for the College of Surgeons (A), </td><td class="right">185</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Chapter of Dickens up to Date (A), </td><td class="right">244</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Charles the First, </td><td class="right">243</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Children's Fancy Dress Ball (The), </td><td class="right">201</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Comic Slaughter, </td><td class="right">136</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Coming Big Bore (A), </td><td class="right">35</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Conversation Manual, </td><td class="right">233</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Counting the Chicks," </td><td class="right">42</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Country and Duty," </td><td class="right">258</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Court Napping, </td><td class="right">213</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Covent Gardening Prospects, </td><td class="right">135</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Cry of the City Children (The), </td><td class="right">123</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Curious Cure (A), </td><td class="right">28</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Cut off the Joint" (A), <br /><br /></td><td class="right">186<br /><br /></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left"><span class="sc">Dares</span> and Entellus, </td><td class="right">14</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Daubigny in Bond Street, </td><td class="right">102</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Derby Disappointments, </td><td class="right">270</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Developing Hawarden, </td><td class="right">277</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Diag-nose-is of Wine (A), </td><td class="right">97</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Diana at Dinner, </td><td class="right">303</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Diary of a Jolly Party, </td><td class="right">47</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Disclaimer (A), </td><td class="right">113</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Ditty of the Dagger (The), </td><td class="right">38</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Divorce Shop (The), </td><td class="right">18</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Dose of 'Gregory'" (A), </td><td class="right">113</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Dot and go One," </td><td class="right">5</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Doubtful!" </td><td class="right">270</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Dropping the Pilot, </td><td class="right">155</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Dunraven, <br /><br /></td><td class="right">162<br /><br /></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left"><span class="sc">Early</span> Green Peas, </td><td class="right">264</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">East-ern Art in Bond Street, </td><td class="right">117</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Echo from the Lane (An), </td><td class="right">201</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Eight Hours Only, </td><td class="right">217</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Elcho Answers, </td><td class="right">282</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Embarrassing!" </td><td class="right">267</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"English, you know, quite English," </td><td class="right">137</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Epidemiological, </td><td class="right">63</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Essence of Parliament, </td><td class="right">83, 94, 106, 112, 131, 143, 155, 167, 178, 204, 216, 227, 232, 252, +256, 287, 292, 304</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Eventful Week (An), </td><td class="right">111</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Exchelsior! </td><td class="right">274</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Exit in Fumo, <br /><br /></td><td class="right">186<br /><br /></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left"><span class="sc">Fable</span>, for Fanatics (A), </td><td class="right">203</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Farthing Novel Series (The), </td><td class="right">105</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Fifty Years of Railway Progress, </td><td class="right">96</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Finishing Touch (The), </td><td class="right">66</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">First Appearance of the Swiss-Back Railway, </td><td class="right">183</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">First Fight (The), </td><td class="right">231</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">First Roze of Summer (The), </td><td class="right">255</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Fishing Interrogatory" (A), </td><td class="right">165</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Fish out of Water" at Greenwich, </td><td class="right">50</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Five o'clock Tea Bonnet Company, </td><td class="right">264</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">For the Sake of the Empire, </td><td class="right">41</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"For this Relief, much thanks!" </td><td class="right">147</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Fortunate and Economical, </td><td class="right">101</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">French Gallery (The), </td><td class="right">159</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">From the Zoo, <br /><br /></td><td class="right">87<br /><br /></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left"><span class="sc">Ghostless</span> Boston, </td><td class="right">101</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Gift Horse" (The), </td><td class="right">162</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Given away with a Pound of Tea!" </td><td class="right">306</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Going too Fast, </td><td class="right">303</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Gold tipped Cigarettes, </td><td class="right">72</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Good Old Grace!" </td><td class="right">277</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Grand Old Billee, </td><td class="right">111</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Grand Old Hat (The), </td><td class="right">137</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Grandolph Goodfellow, </td><td class="right">218</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Grandolpho Furioso!" </td><td class="right">138</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Grandolph's Latest, </td><td class="right">102</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Grandolph's Logic, </td><td class="right">184</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Great Gunn (A), </td><td class="right">309</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Great Lincoln Trial Stakes (The), </td><td class="right">119</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Grenadiers to the Front!" <br /><br /></td><td class="right">125<br /><br /></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left"><span class="sc">Hare</span> Apparent (The), </td><td class="right">310</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Harlowe there!" </td><td class="right">123</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Harmless Ghost, </td><td class="right">287</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Harrow or Hanver? </td><td class="right">306</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">He can't Alp it! </td><td class="right">138</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Her Majesty's Opposition," </td><td class="right">17</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Historical Parallels, </td><td class="right">6</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Holiday Catechism, </td><td class="right">25, 37</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">How I Welcomed Stanley, </td><td class="right">215</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">How to make the Most of it, </td><td class="right">75</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">How to Meet it, </td><td class="right">53</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">How we do Business now, </td><td class="right">133</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Hypnotic High Feeding, <br /><br /></td><td class="right">202<br /><br /></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left"><span class="sc">Ideal</span> Interviewer (An), </td><td class="right">310</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"I'll call thee Hamlet," </td><td class="right">135</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Imperial Socialist (The), </td><td class="right">74, 158</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Incantation Scene (The), </td><td class="right">90</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Interesting Novelty, </td><td class="right">195</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">In the Know, </td><td class="right">184, 201, 215, 217, 229, 251, 263, 267, 279, 305</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">In the Lane, </td><td class="right">181</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">In the Name of Charity—Go to Prison! </td><td class="right">49</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"In the Name of the Law!" </td><td class="right">201</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Irish Question in Bond Street (The), <br /><br /></td><td class="right">35<br /><br /></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left"><span class="sc">Japanese</span> Belle (A), </td><td class="right">17</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Johnnykin and the Goblings," </td><td class="right">89</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Journal of a Rolling Stone, </td><td class="right">1</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Jubalee Performance (A), </td><td class="right">123</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Jubilee of the Penny Post (The), </td><td class="right">28</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Justice at High Pressure, </td><td class="right">16</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Justiss for the Pore, </td><td class="right">133</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Just to oblige Benson," <br /><br /></td><td class="right">3<br /><br /></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left"><span class="sc">Kicked</span>, </td><td class="right">41, 63, 69, 77</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Killaloe Dam Gone," </td><td class="right">23</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Killing for a Shilling, <br /><br /></td><td class="right">83<br /><br /></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left"><span class="sc">L'Abbe</span> In-Constantin Parsonified, </td><td class="right">185</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Ladies' Year (The), </td><td class="right">09</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Last Charge of the Light Brigade (The), </td><td class="right">196</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Last of the Bacilli (The), </td><td class="right">220</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Law and the Liver (The), </td><td class="right">195</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Learning by Art, </td><td class="right">173</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Le Kick-balle Fight, </td><td class="right">105</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Le Kicke-Ball in France," </td><td class="right">129</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">L'Enfant Terrible! </td><td class="right">222</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Le 'Ockey Stick-Balle Fight, </td><td class="right">294</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Le Petit Duc," </td><td class="right">86</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Le Sport" in Bouverie Street, </td><td class="right">161</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Lines on the Labour Conference, </td><td class="right">137</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Lion's Diary (The), </td><td class="right">17</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Little Duc and his Big Bill (The), </td><td class="right">119</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">London County Council and the Lyceum Theatre (The), </td><td class="right">109</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">London for the Londoners, </td><td class="right">30</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Look at Home, </td><td class="right">186</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Luxury of Pantomime (The), <br /><br /></td><td class="right">65<br /><br /></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left"><span class="sc">Madame</span> Diogenes, </td><td class="right">134</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Master Singers, </td><td class="right">120</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"May Fare Work!" </td><td class="right">141</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Measures and Men, </td><td class="right">221</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Menu-Betting, </td><td class="right">61</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Mid-day Meal-lennium (A), </td><td class="right">261</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Mid-Winter Night's Dream (A), </td><td class="right">12</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Modern Cornelia (The), </td><td class="right">299</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Modern Hercules and the Pygmies (The), </td><td class="right">230</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Modern Types, </td><td class="right">89, 101, 120, 124, 136, 148, 160, 177, 192, 208, 220, 249, 285, 301</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Montagu! a Montagu!" (A), </td><td class="right">24</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">More about Talleyrand, </td><td class="right">275</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">More Glory, </td><td class="right">57</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"More Light!" </td><td class="right">51</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">More Masquerading, </td><td class="right">287</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">More Novelties, </td><td class="right">208</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">More to Follow, </td><td class="right">126</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Mr. Gladstone's Letters, </td><td class="right">65</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Mr. Punch's Dictionary of Phrases, </td><td class="right">141, 148, 157, 173, 191, 196, 206, 218, 238, 255, 276, +280, 291, 301</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Mr. Punch's Moral Music-Hall Dramas, </td><td class="right">4, 24, 60, 64, 76, 88, 100, 121, 145, 193, 205, 241</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Mr. Punch's Proverbs up to date, </td><td class="right">213</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Musical Anticipation (A), </td><td class="right">30</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Musical Notes, </td><td class="right">167</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Muzzled and Puzzled, </td><td class="right">26</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"My Curate," </td><td class="right">157</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Mystic Letters (The), </td><td class="right">23</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">My Tailor, <br /><br /></td><td class="right">117<br /><br /></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left"><span class="sc">Naval</span> Intelligence, </td><td class="right">171</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Nellie at the Sodgeries, </td><td class="right">244</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Nell of Chelsea (The), </td><td class="right">225</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">New Amazon (The), </td><td class="right">143</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">New Dance of Death (The), </td><td class="right">206</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">New Gallery Novelties, </td><td class="right">238</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">New Tune (The), </td><td class="right">62</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">North Walls (The), </td><td class="right">13</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Notes "in Globo," </td><td class="right">114</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Nothing New, </td><td class="right">18</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Not such a Fool as he Looks," </td><td class="right">246</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Novel Advice from Lincolnshire, </td><td class="right">177</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Novel with a Purpose (A). </td><td class="right">276</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Nuts" for the Coal Trade, <br /><br /></td><td class="right">225<br /><br /></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left"><span class="sc">Ode</span> on a Black Ball, </td><td class="right">137</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Odds on the Bed makers, </td><td class="right">221</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Old Bond Street Galleries (The), </td><td class="right">156</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Old Colds for New, </td><td class="right">33</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Old Friends and Counsel, </td><td class="right">114</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Old, Old Story (The), </td><td class="right">39</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Old Times Revived, </td><td class="right">196</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Omnibusiness, </td><td class="right">131</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">One Too Many for Him, </td><td class="right">294</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Only Remedy (The), </td><td class="right">183</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">On the Spot, </td><td class="right">277</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">On the Swoop! </td><td class="right">196</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Opera-goer's Diary (The), </td><td class="right">213, 257, 269, 281, 293, 305</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"O rare 'Ben'!" </td><td class="right">143</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Oar Advertisers, </td><td class="right">161, 189, 229</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Our Booking-Office, </td><td class="right">10, 16, 57, 63, 75, 93, 102, 111, 125, 141, 165, 173, 189, 203, 210, 221, +231, 249, 262, 276, 293, 309</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Our New Duke, </td><td class="right">261</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Our Turn Now, </td><td class="right">49</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Out and About, <br /><br /></td><td class="right">250<br /><br /></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left"><span class="sc">Page</span> from a Diary (A), </td><td class="right">51</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Page from an Imperial Note-book (A), </td><td class="right">160</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page312" id="page312"></a>[pg 312]</span> +Parliamentary Intelligence, </td><td class="right">2</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Patient at Play (The), </td><td class="right">244</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Penalties of Greatness (The), </td><td class="right">173</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Pick of the Pictures (The), </td><td class="right">226</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Pictures in the Haymarket, </td><td class="right">137</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Pilferer (The), </td><td class="right">36</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Pint of it (The), </td><td class="right">124</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Piping Times for the Empire, </td><td class="right">137</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">(Pitched) Outing (A), </td><td class="right">171</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Place aux Dames!" </td><td class="right">289</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Plain English! </td><td class="right">30</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Playing Dark, </td><td class="right">153</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Play-time, </td><td class="right">161</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Pleasure-Seeker's Vade Mecum (The), </td><td class="right">257</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Police Fun, </td><td class="right">180</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Premier's Power (The), </td><td class="right">78</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Primrose's Peep-Show, </td><td class="right">218</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Prince "Starring" at Poole (The), </td><td class="right">41</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Promise of May" (The), </td><td class="right">207</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Propria quæ Maribus," </td><td class="right">137</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Put this in your Pipe, </td><td class="right">165</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Putting his Nose out of Joint," </td><td class="right">110</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Puzzles for the New Year, <br /><br /></td><td class="right">23<br /><br /></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left"><span class="sc">Question</span> of Parentage, </td><td class="right">129</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Quite a Little Banc(roft) Holiday, <br /><br /></td><td class="right">255<br /><br /></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left"><span class="sc">Railway</span> Unpunctuality Report, </td><td class="right">268</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Ratepayer's Reply (A), </td><td class="right">148</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Rather Shifty, </td><td class="right">297</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Recking the Rede Lecture, </td><td class="right">297</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Resolutions for the Cosmopolitan Labour Meeting, </td><td class="right">206</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Retiring Young Man (A), </td><td class="right">122</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Revised Version. "In Globo," </td><td class="right">126</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Richardson's Show" and a "Bill of the Play," </td><td class="right">84</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Riviera in Bond Street (The), </td><td class="right">54</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Robert at Guildhall, </td><td class="right">261</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Robert at the Leathersellers', </td><td class="right">309</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Robert on Good Old Krismus, </td><td class="right">16</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Robert on the Boat-Race, </td><td class="right">153</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Robert's Commishuns, </td><td class="right">172</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Robert's Companions, </td><td class="right">81</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Robert's Krismus Him, </td><td class="right">6</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Robert's Little Hollerday, </td><td class="right">192</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Robert Trihumfunt! </td><td class="right">162</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Rooky Walker! </td><td class="right">184</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Root of the Matter (The), </td><td class="right">85, 165</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Rose-Water Cure (The), </td><td class="right">242</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Royal Academy Banquet (The), </td><td class="right">222</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Royal Berkshire, </td><td class="right">87</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Royal Society of Painters in Water-Colours, </td><td class="right">194</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Rum Customer (A), </td><td class="right">245</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Russian Art, <br /><br /></td><td class="right">5<br /><br /></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left"><span class="sc">"Salute</span>;" or, Taking Distance (The), </td><td class="right">78</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Saturday Series (A), </td><td class="right">119</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Savoyards (The), </td><td class="right">5</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">School-Board before the End of the Century (The), </td><td class="right">288</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Scots wha hae," </td><td class="right">219</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Set down for Trial, </td><td class="right">39</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Shaftesbury Song (A), </td><td class="right">267</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Shall Women Smoke? </td><td class="right">42</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Shooting Arrows at a Song, </td><td class="right">87</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Short Mathematical Paper, </td><td class="right">263</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Short Song in Season (A), </td><td class="right">203</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Shrewing of the Tame (The), </td><td class="right">53</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Signs of the Season, </td><td class="right">180</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Slaps for Slippers, </td><td class="right">27</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Society for the Study of Inebriety" (A), </td><td class="right">181</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Something like a Dinner, </td><td class="right">84</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Song for Mr. Stansfeld, M.P., </td><td class="right">108</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Song Sentimentiana, </td><td class="right">125, 105, 183, 243</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Song with Words (A), </td><td class="right">189</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Sounds of the Streets, </td><td class="right">45</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">South-Eastern Alphabet (The), </td><td class="right">61</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Spectacular, </td><td class="right">143</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Speed the Parting," </td><td class="right">37</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Sporting Correspondent (A), </td><td class="right">21</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Stanley Africanus! </td><td class="right">210</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Stanley and African Exhibition (The), </td><td class="right">113</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Stanzas to Rhubarb, </td><td class="right">135</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Startling for Gourmets,</td><td class="right">61</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Start (The), </td><td class="right">6</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Statesmen at Home, </td><td class="right">21, 48, 72</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Street Music, </td><td class="right">42</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Striking Home, </td><td class="right">146</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Study for the Pelican Club, </td><td class="right">53</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Suggestion from Pump-handle Court (A), </td><td class="right">169</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Sweet—Marjorie!" </td><td class="right">71</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Sweet Thing in Criticism (A), <br /><br /></td><td class="right">281<br /><br /></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left"><span class="sc">Taken</span> as you Like it, </td><td class="right">117</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Taken from the French Plays, </td><td class="right">280</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Thank Goodness, </td><td class="right">126</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Theatrical Short Service Bill, </td><td class="right">209</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Thoughts on his Wine-Merchant, </td><td class="right">191</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Three Fishers," </td><td class="right">282</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Tippler's Triumph (The), </td><td class="right">195</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Tips from the Tape, </td><td class="right">209</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">To an Old Friend with a New Wig, </td><td class="right">66</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Tommius Etonensis loquitur, </td><td class="right">48</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Topping the Tripos, </td><td class="right">280</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">To the New Scribe and Poet, </td><td class="right">225</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Trivial Round (The), </td><td class="right">172</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Two Heads better than One! </td><td class="right">180</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Two Views of the Sodgeries, <br /><br /></td><td class="right">233<br /><br /></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left"><span class="sc">Unchristian</span> Caveat (An), </td><td class="right">174</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">University Intelligence, </td><td class="right">159</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Unknown Quantity (An), </td><td class="right">195</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Unscientific Dialogue (An), </td><td class="right">59</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Unsought Honour, </td><td class="right">30</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Untiled, </td><td class="right">9, 13, 37, 49, 61, 73, 97</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Useful Warning, <br /><br /></td><td class="right">189<br /><br /></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"<span class="sc">Vanity</span> Un-Fair," </td><td class="right">37</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Venice Preserved" in the Haymarket, </td><td class="right">53</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Very Silly Song (A), </td><td class="right">47</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Voces Populi, <br /><br /></td><td class="right">29, 40, 237, 253, 265, 300<br /><br /></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Ware Brummagem! </td><td class="right">234</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left"><span class="sc">Way</span> to the Temple (The), </td><td class="right">159</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Way we shall Live soon (The), </td><td class="right">305</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Week by Week, </td><td class="right">213, 228, 240, 245, 263, 273, 279, 289, 303</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Where Marriages are Made, </td><td class="right">167</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">White Slave (A), </td><td class="right">289</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Winter at Burlington House, </td><td class="right">18</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Will he get through?" </td><td class="right">278</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Work for the Holidays, <br /><br /></td><td class="right">15<br /><br /></td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left"><span class="sc">Yet</span> another Quarterly, </td><td class="right">208</td></tr> + +</table> + +<h4 style="margin-top: 3em;"><span class="sc">Large Engravings.</span></h4> + +<table summary="Index" align="center" width="70%" border="0" style="margin-top: 2em;"> + +<tr><td class="left">After the Review, </td><td class="right">175</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Baby Bung," </td><td class="right">235</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Big Gun!" (The), </td><td class="right">115</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Counting the Chicks!" </td><td class="right">43</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Country and Duty," </td><td class="right">259</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Cut off the Joint" (A), </td><td class="right">187</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Divorce Shop (The), </td><td class="right">19</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Doubtful!" </td><td class="right">271</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Dropping the Pilot, </td><td class="right">150, 151</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Finishing Touch (The), </td><td class="right">67</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Foreign Fox (The), </td><td class="right">55</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Gift Horse" (The), </td><td class="right">163</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Given away with a Pound of Tea!" </td><td class="right">307</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Grandolpho Furioso!" </td><td class="right">139</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Grandolph's Latest, </td><td class="right">103</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Incantation" (The), </td><td class="right">91</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">L'Enfant Terrible! </td><td class="right">223</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Not such a Fool as he looks!" </td><td class="right">247</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">One Too Many for Him, </td><td class="right">295</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">On the Swoop! </td><td class="right">198, 199</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Plain English! </td><td class="right">31</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Salute!" or, Taking his Measure (The), </td><td class="right">79</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Stanley Africanus! </td><td class="right">211</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Start (The), </td><td class="right">7</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Thank Goodness!!! </td><td class="right">127</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Three Fishers," </td><td class="right">283 </td></tr> + +</table> + +<h4 style="margin-top: 3em;"><span class="sc">Small Engravings.</span></h4> + +<table summary="Index" align="center" width="70%" border="0" style="margin-top: 2em;"> + +<tr><td class="left"><span class="sc">Æsthetic</span> Party in Furnished House, </td><td class="right">246</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Allsopp's Bitter and Shareholder, </td><td class="right">98</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Amateur Banjoist and Friend, </td><td class="right">15</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Amateur Tenor and Sarcastic Friend, </td><td class="right">123</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">American "Pistol" (The), </td><td class="right">245</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Attack on a Mail Coach, </td><td class="right">196</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Author's Heavy Book (An), </td><td class="right">27</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Automatic Arbitration, </td><td class="right">237</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Barberesses at Work, </td><td class="right">186</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Bismarck's Last Appearance, </td><td class="right">122</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Blindfolded Russian Emperor, </td><td class="right">254</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Boulanger's New Tune, </td><td class="right">62</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Brigand Bullfinch (The), </td><td class="right">202</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Brighton Bath-chairman's Quiet Route (A), </td><td class="right">189</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Bull and the Frog (The), </td><td class="right">50</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">'Bus Conductor's Important Passenger (A), </td><td class="right">207</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Butcher's Boy and the "Meet," </td><td class="right">6</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Butterfly-collecting in East Africa, </td><td class="right">263</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Cabby's Fare paid in Small Coin, </td><td class="right">261</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Cab-Runners after a Hansom, </td><td class="right">210</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Caledonia's Electric Light, </td><td class="right">219</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Catholic Priest and Schoolboys, </td><td class="right">135</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Chaplin and the Kentish Dogs, </td><td class="right">26</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Cheap Horse at a Fair (A), </td><td class="right">225</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Colonel M'Whuskey's Epidemic, </td><td class="right">75</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Colonial Friend goes Hunting (A), </td><td class="right">129</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Cook who wants Execution (A), </td><td class="right">282</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Country Editor's Salmon (A), </td><td class="right">95</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Country M.P.'s Summons to Duty, </td><td class="right">70</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Cow in Drury Lane Pantomime, </td><td class="right">28</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Cross-examining a Lady, </td><td class="right">125</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Curate and Schoolboys' Class, </td><td class="right">203</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Cyclist Judges on Circuit, </td><td class="right">201</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Dismounted Steeple-chaser's Friend, </td><td class="right">243</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Distinguished Colonists in London, </td><td class="right">206</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Doctor Cockshure's Travelled Patient, </td><td class="right">63</td></tr> +<tr><td class="left">Dressing for her own Dance, </td><td class="right">42</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Dressing for her own Dance, </td><td class="right">42</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Effect of Low Stable on Horse's Knees, </td><td class="right">184</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Electric Tramway in the Commons, </td><td class="right">178</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Emperor and Socialist Workman, </td><td class="right">158</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Engineering, little Tour Eiffel, and Forth Bridge, </td><td class="right">110</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Exchanging Hats with a Scarecrow, </td><td class="right">253</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Exhibits at the "Silk" Exhibition, </td><td class="right">268</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Famous Pictures Leaving the Country, </td><td class="right">46</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Fancy Portrait of My Laundress, </td><td class="right">137</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Fasting Man and the Starving Man, </td><td class="right">221</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Flattening a Bonnet, </td><td class="right">294</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Flight of the Demon Influenza, </td><td class="right">38</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Frenchman's Stay in London (A), </td><td class="right">303</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">French Peasant with Influenza, </td><td class="right">40</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Grand Old Hypnotiser at St. Stephen's, </td><td class="right">286</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Grand Old Undergrad (The), </td><td class="right">58</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Grandolph Puck at Sea in Egg-shell, </td><td class="right">170</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Great Lincoln Trial in a Fog, </td><td class="right">118</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Greedy Boy at the School Feast, </td><td class="right">155</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Groom waiting at Tea, </td><td class="right">23</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Grosvenor Gallery Pictures, </td><td class="right">262, 274</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Guardsman and Nursemaids' Group, </td><td class="right">287</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Hearty Luncher going to see Succi, </td><td class="right">183</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">High Sleeves for both Sexes, </td><td class="right">162</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Home Secretary and Mr. Punch, </td><td class="right">182</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Home Secretary and the Policeman, </td><td class="right">290</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Horse refuses to Jump over Water, </td><td class="right">45</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">House of Ciphers (A), </td><td class="right">130</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">House of Commons all Sixes and Sevens (The), </td><td class="right">142</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">House of Commons from Toby's Box, </td><td class="right">154</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">How to Avoid giving a Dinner Party, </td><td class="right">157</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Hunters shod with Snow Shoes, </td><td class="right">10</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Hunting Gent and Rustics, </td><td class="right">93</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Imperial Socialist (The), </td><td class="right">74</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Infant Prodigies' Concert (An), </td><td class="right">174</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Inquiring Visitor and Footman, </td><td class="right">131</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Insured Children, </td><td class="right">299</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">John Bull's New Year's Dream, </td><td class="right">2</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Jones to take Miss B. in to Supper, </td><td class="right">102</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Kent Coal Hole (The), </td><td class="right">108</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Lady Artist and Small Rustic, </td><td class="right">83</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Lady's Hair-Dagger (A), </td><td class="right">215</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Lady's well-preserved Good Looks (A), </td><td class="right">126</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Laura's Honeymoon Trip, </td><td class="right">270</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Legend of the Briar-root, </td><td class="right">209</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Little Duke with the Tricolor (The), </td><td class="right">86</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Lively Piece of Cheese (A), </td><td class="right">35</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Madame Diogenes, </td><td class="right">134</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Mariar Ann's Visit to a Fine House, </td><td class="right">258</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Marrying to go to the Paris Exhibition, </td><td class="right">87</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Maxims for the Bar, </td><td class="right">133, 156, 169, 217, 277</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Medicinal Refreshments, </td><td class="right">51</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">M.F.H.'s Opinion of Jenkinson's Horse, </td><td class="right">33</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Money Market recovers from Tightness, </td><td class="right">73</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Mr. Hare in a New Pair of Spectacles, </td><td class="right">97</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Mr. M'Sawney and his Dance-card, </td><td class="right">78</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Mr. Punch and the Coal-Miner, </td><td class="right">146</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Mr. Punch and Tom Sayer's Shade, </td><td class="right">14</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Mr. Punch's Grand "Old Masters," </td><td class="right">34</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Near-sighted Man and Lady's Bonnet, </td><td class="right">52</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Neighbour and a Bore (A), </td><td class="right">18</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">New Gallery Pictures, </td><td class="right">238</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">New German Rifle (The), </td><td class="right">65</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Not Bleeding with the Lancet, </td><td class="right">47</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Old Gentleman and the Automatic Photographic Machine, </td><td class="right">310</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Only a Face at a Window!" </td><td class="right">138</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Our Artist and the Street-Music, </td><td class="right">54</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Our Artist's Reply to Handsome Lady, </td><td class="right">167</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Painter and Musician after Dinner, </td><td class="right">143</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Papa's Description of a Centaur, </td><td class="right">275</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Parliamentary Conversation Cages, </td><td class="right">106</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Parliamentary Golf-Links, </td><td class="right">190</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Parnell rejects Balfour's Bill, </td><td class="right">194</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Pat and his Boycotted Landlord, </td><td class="right">71</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Photographing a Stern-looking Lady, </td><td class="right">234</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Poor Children's Pantomime (The), </td><td class="right">22</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Professor Tyndall's Portrait of Mr. G., </td><td class="right">267</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Proud Mother's Schoolboy's Expenses, </td><td class="right">99</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Punch's Parliamentary Puppets, </td><td class="right">82</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Quite a Contrast to his Brother, </td><td class="right">279</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Refreshment for Man and Beast," </td><td class="right">306</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Result of a Horse's Cough, </td><td class="right">69</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Resurrection of Mummified Cats, </td><td class="right">81</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Rival Anecdotists, </td><td class="right">291</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Royal Academy Pictures, </td><td class="right">226, 227, 250</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Sarcastic Hostess and Lady Guest, </td><td class="right">66</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Schoolboy defines Quakers' Speech, </td><td class="right">255</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Schoolmaster and Boy's Arithmetic, </td><td class="right">218</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Scientific Volunteer (The), </td><td class="right">85</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Scotch Deerstalker makes a "Miss," </td><td class="right">107</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Sculpture in Wax, </td><td class="right">273</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Season's Geniuses and Beauties (The), </td><td class="right">147</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Seating all the Commons' Members, </td><td class="right">94</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Seeing the "Apeiary" at the Zoo, </td><td class="right">159</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Seniora Fawcett," </td><td class="right">289</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"'Shadowing' Members of Parliament," </td><td class="right">298</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Sketch at a Concert (A), </td><td class="right">276</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Small Servant at Registry Office, </td><td class="right">11</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Smith pursued by Opposition Bull, </td><td class="right">278</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Sprinkling Sweaters with Rose-water, </td><td class="right">242</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Stanley besieged by Invitations, </td><td class="right">230</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Stanley introducing East Africa to Lord Salisbury, </td><td class="right">266</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">State of the Markets Illustrated, </td><td class="right">240</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Strictly Private Academy View, </td><td class="right">214</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Substance of Shadowed M.P.'s, </td><td class="right">302</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Succi as a Sandwich-Man, </td><td class="right">229</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Suggestions for Pictorial Directory, </td><td class="right">240, 261</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Swell and the Confounded Blacks, </td><td class="right">119</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Swell who is Colour-Blind (A), </td><td class="right">90</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Swell who made an Ass of himself, </td><td class="right">114</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Swell who was Thinking of Nothing, </td><td class="right">3</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">"Swopping" Horses, </td><td class="right">165</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Taking an Interest in Criminal Law, </td><td class="right">171</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Tandem Leader and Posts, </td><td class="right">297</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Time's Effect on Celebrities Heads, </td><td class="right">166</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Tommy's Self-Denial in Lent, </td><td class="right">191</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Toole before and after Dinners, &c., </td><td class="right">36</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Training Children as Fasting People, </td><td class="right">231</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Unmuzzling Maud's Terrier, </td><td class="right">251</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Vicar's Wife and the Cracked Globe, </td><td class="right">59</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Volunteers Refreshing at Review, </td><td class="right">179</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Wife of a Man of Genius (The), </td><td class="right">195</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">What to do with Our Artist's Pictures, </td><td class="right">39</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Why Goslin admires Miss Travers, </td><td class="right">30</td></tr> + +<tr><td class="left">Why Shoddson's Servants wear Cockades, </td><td class="right">222</td></tr> + +</table> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:600px;"><a href="images/312-1000.png"><img src="images/312-600.png" width="600" height="363" alt="FINIS" /></a></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="center">LONDON: BRADBURY, AGNEW & CO. LIMITED, WHITEFRIARS.</p> +<hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +98, June 28 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 33526-h.htm or 33526-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/3/5/2/33526/ + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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a/33526.txt b/33526.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..83efc91 --- /dev/null +++ b/33526.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2600 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, +June 28 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, June 28 1890 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: August 24, 2010 [EBook #33526] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOLUME 98, JUNE 28TH 1890 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + + + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_By Mr. Punch's own Type Writer._) + +NO. XIV.--THE LADY FROM CLOUDLAND. + +[Illustration] + +AT intervals of a few years the torpor of London Society is stirred by +the carefully disseminated intelligence that a new planet has begun to +twinkle in the firmament of fashion, and the telescopes of all those +who are in search of novelty are immediately directed to the spot. +Partially dropping metaphor, it may be stated that a hitherto unknown +lady emerges, like the planet, from a cloud under which, as the +envious afterwards declare, the greater part of her previous existence +has been spent. But Society, under the influence of boredom, is +tolerant of new sensations and of those who seek to provide them. +Those who guard its portals are, in these latter days, bidden not +to be over-curious in the inquiries they make of applicants for +admission, and eventually it may come to pass that the approaches +and avenues are opened as readily to one who comes trailing clouds of +obscurity, as to her who shines with the steady lustre of acknowledged +position. + +The Lady from Cloudland soars into the ken of fashion in various +places. Very often she is found for the first time in the little +mock temple which pious worshippers at the shrine of rank build for +themselves on the Riviera. They have their ceremonial closely copied +from the London model. They dance, they receive, they organise +bazaars. They launch out into tea-parties, and grow warm over the +discussion of scandals. They elect unto themselves leaders, and +bow their foreheads to the dust before the golden splendour of an +occasional scion of Royalty; in short, they cling as closely as +foreign skies and foreign associations permit to the observances which +have made English Society pre-eminent in its own respect, and in the +good-natured ridicule of less-favoured nations. But since the majority +of them have come in search of health, they cannot despise or reject +one who qualifies for consideration and interest by suffering, +and who, to the piquancy of an unknown origin, adds the high +recommendation of good looks--which are not too good--of a cheerful +temper, and an easy tact, which can only come of much knowledge of +many worlds. Such a one is the Lady from Cloudland. Many are the +questions asked about her, and even more various are the answers +given. "My dear," one lady will say to another, at the house of a +common friend, where the Lady from Cloudland has become the centre of +a throng of admirers, "I hear, on the very best authority, that her +mother used to sell flowers in the City, and that she herself was for +some years a Circus Rider in America. Whenever I meet her I feel a +dreadful inclination to say _Houp-la!_, instead of, How do you do?" To +which her friend will reply that she, on her side, has been informed +that the lady in question was formerly attached to the conjugal tribe +of an Indian Rajah, and was rescued by a Russian, whom she shortly +afterwards poisoned. They will then both invite her to their next +entertainments, asking her by no means to forget those delightful +Burmese love-ditties which only she can sing as they ought to be sung. + +The Lady from Cloudland, however, does not limit her ambition to the +hybrid Society of the South of France. She intends to make for herself +a position in London, the Mecca of the aspirant, and she proposes +to use those who thus console themselves with spitefulness as +stepping-stones for the attainment of her object. At the beginning of +the following London Season Society will learn, by means of the usual +paragraphs, that "Mrs. So-and-So, whose afternoon party last year +in honour of Prince ---- was one of the most brilliant successes of a +brilliant Riviera Season, has taken the house in May Fair, formerly +occupied by Lord CLANRACKET." The reiteration of this news in many +journals will set tongues wagging in London. Again the same questions +will be asked, and different answers will be returned. In due +course she arrives, she receives and is received, and she conquers. +Henceforward her parties become one of the features of the Season. +In rooms arranged tastefully in an Oriental style, with curtains, +hangings, delicately worked embroideries, woven mats of charming +design and tropical plants, she welcomes the throng who come at her +invitation. She moves by degrees. Contenting herself at first with a +small _charge d'affaires_ or a Corean plenipotentiary, she soon +rises to a fully fledged Ambassador and a bevy of secretaries and +_attaches_. Her triumph culminates when she secures a deposed monarch +and his consort. She is clever, and knows well that those whom she +seeks to entice will overlook their own ignorance with regard to her +if only they can be certain of being amused and interested in her +house. She, therefore, contrives, without transgressing the higher +_convenances_, to banish all ceremonial stiffness from her parties, +and to import in its place an atmosphere of cheerful gaiety and +musical refinement. For, whatever she may have once been, there can +be no doubt that when London makes her acquaintance she possesses, not +only charming manners, but innumerable accomplishments which are as +salt to the jaded palate of Society people. Thus she progresses from +season to season, and from success to success. + +In her second year she becomes a favoured guest in many country +houses, where an effort is made to relieve the tedium of daily +shooting parties by nightly frivolities. Soon afterwards she is +presented at Court, and becomes herself a patroness to many foreigners +who desire by the exercise of their talents to make a precarious +living in England. By these she is considered to be one of the suns +from which the great world draws its light and warmth. In her third +Season she is sufficiently secure to introduce into Society her +daughter, aged eighteen, who has hitherto (so she will inform her +friends) been receiving a good education abroad. Accompanied by "my +little girl," she may be seen, on fine afternoons, reclining in her +spick and span Victoria, in the midst of the crowd in the Ladies' +Mile. She is thus hedged round with a respectability which not even +indiscreet inquiries after her late husband (for it is understood that +he died and left her in comfort many years before) can disturb. She +permits herself occasionally, it is true, to join _chic_ parties at +fashionable restaurants, but these, since they are often under titled +patronage, can scarcely be considered serious lapses from propriety. +After having herself presented her daughter at Court, and having given +(in London) a party which was attended by Royalty, she is beyond the +reach of cavil or reproach. Here and there a jealous and disappointed +social rival may still mutter dark hints about ancient vagaries, and +meaning looks may still be exchanged by male and female gossips, +but for the great mass of those who frequent Society she is as +irreproachable as though her ancestry for twenty generations had been +set down in the pages of _Burke_ or _Debrett_. Eventually she marries +her daughter to the younger son of an Earl, and having made of the +marriage festivities _the_ great social function of the Season, she +herself soon afterwards retires to some extent from the business of +Society, and devotes herself chiefly to the cultivation of simple +pleasures and hot-house flowers in a luxurious retreat on the banks of +the Thames. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +SOCIAL. + +"_Haven't missed a word you said_;" _i.e._, "Gracious! where was she?" + +"_Not exactly pretty, perhaps, but so nice_;" _i.e._, "As pappy in +character as she is plain in face." + +RAILROAD AMENITIES. + +"_No, thanks; reading in a railway carriage always tries my poor eyes +so_;" _i.e._, "I've better occupation for them just now." + +"_Pardon my drawing the blind; the glare in a railway carriage +always makes my head ache_;" _i.e._, "Shows up my wrinkles and +moustache-dye." + +THEATRICAL. + +"_She is an intelligent and experienced artist_;" _i.e._, Much too old +for the part. + +EFFUSIVE FLATTERY. + +"_Thank you so much for your dear little Book of Poems. I haven't read +them yet, but next time we meet I'll tell you what I think of them_;" +_i.e._, "I hereby make a solemn resolution, if I can possibly help it, +never to meet you again in this life." + +PERFUNCTORY APOLOGY. + +"_I hope I didn't hurt you. I'm sure I beg your pardon_;" _i.e._, +"Stupid fool! Serves you right for sticking out your feet, and +tripping up everybody who happens to stumble on to them." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: REDUCED TO A SHADOW!--Probable Result of Parliamentary +Pressure.] + + * * * * * + +DIANA AT DINNER. + + [On the first page of the prospectus of the + recently-established "Dorothy" Restaurant it is stated that + it is for "Ladies only." On the last page will be found the + following modification:--"At the request of many of the Lady + customers, it has been decided to open the Restaurant from + 6.30 P.M. to 10 P.M. to both Ladies and Gentlemen."] + + THERE was started in London, I mustn't say where, + And, beyond saying lately, I mustn't say when, + A sweet Restaurant, where the sex that is fair + Might attend undisturbed by the presence of men. + + "We are forced to endure you in Park and in Row, + We must bear you unwilling in hansom or 'bus; + But if any stray _here_, they shall meet with a No,-- + So attempt not the haunt that is sacred to Us. + + "Be warned, O intruder, nor venture to lag + When the nymphs of Diana the huntress draw nigh. + Fly, fly from their presence as fleet as a stag. + Lest you meet with the fate of Actaeon, and die." + + Thus the Ladies addressed us; the tables were set, + The silver was polished, the viands displayed. + And, like doves in a dove-cote, the customers met, + In a plumage of silks and of muslins arrayed. + + "This is sweet!" said AMANDA. "Delightful!" said JANE. + While the rest in a chorus of "Charming!" combined. + And, declaring they cared not if dishes were plain, + So the men remained absent, they solemnly dined. + + And they toyed with their _entrees_, and sipped their Clicquot, + And their smiles were as sweet as the wine that they drank. + But at last came a whisper--"Oh dear, this is slow!" + "Hush, hush!" said the others. "How dreadfully frank! + + "Not slow; but there's something--I scarcely know what, + An absence, a dulness I cannot define. + It may be the soup, which was not very hot, + Or the roast, or the waiting, the ice, or the wine. + + "But I'm sure there's a something." And so they agreed, + And they formed a Committee to talk of the case. + And a programme was issued for all men to read, + Bidding men (on page one) to abstain from the place. + + But, since it is harder to ban than to bless, + "For their own sakes," they said, "we will humour the men." + If you turn to the last page, you'll find this P.S.:-- + "Men allowed, by desire, from 6.30 to 10." + + * * * * * + +TRUE NOSTALGIA. + +[Illustration: "ULLO! DUBOIS? YOU IN LONDON?" + +"OUI, MON AMI. JE SUIS ARRIVE DE PARIS CE MATIN, ET J'Y RETOURNE CE +SOIR PAR LE CLUB-TRAIN!" + +"IS THIS THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE COME TO LONDON?" + +"NON, MON AMI. MAIS C'EST LA PREMIERE FOIS QUE J'Y RESTE AUSSI +LONG-TEMPS!"] + + * * * * * + +WEEK BY WEEK. + +IN the course of last week it was universally remarked that the _beau +monde_ betook itself by the usual methods of conveyance to Ascot. +A very smartly-appointed coach, horsed entirely by blue-black +hippogriffs, attracted much attention. The lunches were of more than +ordinary magnificence, and it was calculated that, during the week, +no less than 5,624,907 bottles of champagne were consumed. The +pigeon-pies were, as usual, composed mostly of beef. + + * * * * * + +One charming toilette was the cynosure of neighbouring eyes in the +Enclosure. It was constructed of four gold _galons_, tastefully +distributed on a blue silk ground intended to represent the Lake of +Geneva. This was fringed with _passementerie_ of the most ancient +design, and picked out with minute red spots arranged in geometrical +figures. The bonnet was composed of a single scrap of antique lace +folded over a threepenny bit. + + * * * * * + +H.R.H. the Grand Duke of KATZENJAMMER, who is making a stay of several +weeks in the Metropolis, in order that he may study free institutions +on the spot, has been, we are informed, busily engaged in writing and +answering letters during the past three days. + + * * * * * + +An interesting story, of which His Royal Highness is the hero, is +going the round of the Clubs. It appears that on his arrival at the +hotel in which he has established himself with his suite, the Grand +Duke, whose absence of mind is well known, forgot to remunerate the +cabman who had driven him. This individual, however, with the rudeness +which is still, we regret to say, characteristic of the lower orders +of our fellow countrymen, made repeated applications for his money, +and eventually threatened to call in a policeman or to take out a +summons. On this becoming known to the Grand Duke, he at once gave +orders that the cabman should be ushered into his presence, and, after +presenting him with a paper gulden, invested him then and there with +the order of the Golden Ball, at the same time exclaiming that honesty +and perseverance in humble life were always worthy of commendation. +The cabman is said to have been much moved. In these democratic days, +such instances of princely condescension are not without value. + + * * * * * + +We are requested by the Earl of C-V-NTR-Y to state that he is sick to +death of the whole business, and has eliminated the word "enclosure" +from every dictionary he has been able to lay his hands on. He had +intended at first to admit nobody, but was overruled, and he cannot, +therefore, hold himself responsible for the presence of various people +who seemed to think that they ought to be treated like unseasonable +strawberries, first forced, then exhibited, and then swallowed. + + * * * * * + +An amusing incident is reported from the remote frontier village of +Pusterwitz in Moldavia. A cobbler who had manufactured the boots of +the Burgomaster ventured to submit his bill for payment. The populace, +infuriated by this insult to their beloved Magistrate, after binding +the offender in calf at the local publishing office, proceeded to +slice him into small pieces with their _schneide-messers_ (the +native knife), to the immense delight of a crowd of peasants from the +surrounding districts. The Burgomaster was much touched by this proof +of popular devotion. + + * * * * * + +GOING TOO FAST.--M. ALEXANDRE JACQUES, who is announced as "a rival to +SUCCI," is at this moment dispensing with food at the Royal Aquarium. +He intends carrying out this self-denying programme for two days +beyond a couple of score--possibly as a proof of his fortitude or (as +a Cockney would pronounce the word) "forty-two'd." The last time this +talented person dispensed with sustenance, was in Edinburgh, when he +did not partake of any meal in the Douglas Hotel for thirty days--a +feat, one would think, that must have been more interesting to the +Medical Profession than the proprietor of the hostelry. However, as +M. JACQUES fought for his country in 1870-71, he should be a most +pleasant guest for the next six weeks or so to dinner-givers with a +taste for economy. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, June 16._--"This is something like old +times," said TIM HEALY, briskly rubbing his hands. "Poor JOSEPH +GILLIS! pity he didn't live to see this night." + +[Illustration: At Bay.] + +Very like old times, indeed. Seventy questions on the paper, increased +fourfold by others put arising out of the answer. Practice is for +Irish Members to put question; Prince ARTHUR reads answer from +manuscript supplied from Irish Office; then uprise in succession +half-a-dozen other Irish Members, each asking fresh question. Prince +ARTHUR with one leg crossed over other and hand to chin sits looking +and listening; presently when there is lull, lounges up to table and +makes answer. FERGUSSON looks on in wonder. "What would become of +me," he said, "supposing after I had read out my cut-and-dried answer, +half-a-dozen fellows sprang on my back, and with fists in my face +demanded reply to quite new question. I'm afraid I'd be lost." + +That exceedingly probable. FERGUSSON'S floundering when momentarily +adrift from sheet-anchor of his written reply decidedly painful. +Prince ARTHUR saunters up to very mouth of guns of battery opened on +him from Irish camp; looks straight down them; fires his shot; and +saunters back; often a nasty shot, too; plumps in middle of camp and +sets them all a roaring. This takes place every night. To-night lasted +an hour. Once threatened repetition of scenes of decade after '74. +Would have so happened but for tact and presence of mind of SPEAKER; +cool and collected amid the clash of arms and roar of constant +cannonading. JOHN DILLON standing with folded arms and flashing eyes, +"Like NAPOLEON when he couldn't cross the Alps," said NICHOLAS WOOD, +looking on from a safe distance. + +The SPEAKER also on his feet with stern cry of "Order! Order!" Long +JOHN O'CONNOR sitting on Bench below, darting straight up and down, +with swift regular movement, for all the world like the piston of a +steam-engine. Ministerialists bellowing in continuous roar at JOHN +DILLON, still on his feet; uprises JOHN O'CONNOR with intent to +offer observation; roar redoubled; reaches demoniac proportions; JOHN +O'CONNOR plops down again; noise partially subsides; suddenly the +piston discovered bolt upright; another roar; down it goes; all the +while the SPEAKER crying aloud for "Order!" and JOHN DILLON standing +with fiercer frown and arms more tightly folded. + +"What was it NAPOLEON said when he couldn't cross the Alps?" NICHOLAS +whispered, tremulously. "'If the Alps won't come to MAHOMET, MAHOMET +must go to the Alps.' No, I don't think it was quite that; but was +something to that effect; and I'm sure something will happen if DILLON +doesn't sit down." + +Just when matters reaching crisis, DILLON gave way; the piston on +the bench below simultaneously ceased its action; and the SPEAKER, in +quiet, grave tones, that had immediately soothing effect, suggested +that, if any more information was required, it should be sought in the +usual way, by Questions placed on the Paper. JOHNSTON o' Ballykilbeg, +who had overheard GILL incidentally allude to Prince ARTHUR as prone +to untruth, wanted the SPEAKER to take notice of irregularity. But +SPEAKER judiciously deaf. As for JOHN O'CONNOR, glad of a little rest. + +"All I wanted, TOBY," he explained, "was to hurl the word 'Crime' in +BALFOUR'S teeth." + +"Exactly," I said; "nothing more natural or desirable. But you should +tone down the tendency towards the steam-engine-piston action, for +which, I do not deny, you possess some natural advantages." + +_Business done._--In Committee on Compensation Bill. + +_Tuesday._--"What's this I hear about Heligoland?" says NICHOLAS WOOD. +Hardly knew him; so changed. A dull, heavy look faded over his usually +mobile countenance; his svelte figure puffed out, and bent. "Only +fortnight ago, SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE proposed to give up +Heligoland; barter it for a case of German Sausages, says he. +FERGUSSON very properly angry; me and other good Tories protested +against this new Separatist policy. Couldn't find Heligoland on the +map." + +"Ha!" I say, "but Germany has found it, and taken it, and the MARKISS +is willin'." + +"Very odd," says NICHOLAS; "can't make it out; like a thing out of a +play; never go to a play, you know, but understand this sort of thing +is somehow done: first you see it, then you don't; Heligoland British +territory; to be sacrificed only with last drop of blood; Radical +Separatists rapped on knuckles for suggesting handing over; then we +wake up, and find it's been handed over, and by the MARKISS! Tell you +what it is, TOBY, think I shall cut this business; not brought up to +politics; find them a little weakening." + +[Illustration: The Ladies' Man.] + +OLD MORALITY announced programme for remainder of Session. In bulk +something exceeding ordinary programme when brought in in February. +Now it is the so-called June; every prospect of sitting till October; +House groans and growls; terrible charges flying round; WINTERBOTHAM +darkly accuses Cabinet Minister of keeping a public-house. HICKS-BEACH +admits soft impeachment, but pleads it's "only a little one, brings +me in only L20 a-year rent." "Miserable!" says NEWNES, who owns _Tit +Bits_. + +General feeling of sympathy with BEACH. WINTERBOTHAM apologises; if +he'd known it was only L20 wouldn't have said anything. OLD MORALITY, +in his kind way, presses BEACH'S hand; has troubles of his own to +bear; but a man who owns a public-house and draws only L20 a-year from +it, takes precedence in sympathy. + +Over stern conflict and cantankerous sitting, PLUNKET sheds beam of +genial humour. TIM HEALY asks if there could not be lift arranged to +Ladies' Gallery. "Too expensive," says PLUNKET. "Too dear, he means," +murmurs HOWORTH, who runs DICK TEMPLE close in his devotion to the +Ladies. "Why," objects GEORGE CAMPBELL, whose eye nothing escapes, +"there is already a lift for coal. Why not substitute Ladies for +coal?" + +"You see," said PLUNKET, smilingly, "we cannot do either without coal +or without Ladies, and it is difficult to combine them in a lift." + +GEORGE CAMPBELL not sure. When he has time to withdraw his thoughts +from Central Asia, will look into the matter. + +_Business done._--In Committee on Compensation Bill. Ministerial +majority reduced to 29. + +_Thursday._--"I really can't do it," said MACLURE. "Oh, you must," +said CHAPLIN; "hard work, I know, but put on a spurt and there you +are." + +"Wish I _was_ there," said MACLURE, mopping his forehead. "All very +well for slim young thing like you; but seventeen stun isn't the +form for a short spin, especially with these confounded steps." +Scene--passage by Cloak-room into House of Commons; time 5.19 P.M.; +bell ringing furiously; Division imminent; PENROSE FITZGERALD with +jacket shorter than ever, trousers turned up with a grace that maddens +with envy. BOBBY SPENCER and LEWISHAM, on watch at top of staircase. + +"Come along!" he shouts; "dividing on First Clause of Compensation +Bill; SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE sprung a mine on us; got all their +men here; ours down at Ascot; wouldn't be you for a quarter's salary, +CHAPLIN. Hurry up! hurry up! Put your best leg forward, MACLURE!" + +"That's all very well," said MACLURE, testily; "but which _is_ my best +leg?" + +[Illustration: On Outpost Duty.] + +The two heavy-weights pounded gallantly along; been to Ascot; +thought they'd be back in plenty of time for Division; and here's +Division-bell at its last shake. HARTINGTON come up with them; +striding ahead; wins easily; CHAPLIN reaches door of House just as it +is closing; with tremendous effort, MACLURE pulls himself together; +throws himself on doorway; nothing could stand rush like that; door +bursts open; MACLURE and Compensation Bill saved. A very close shave. +When Division taken, 228 vote for Government, 224 against; majority +Four--the four who raced up the staircase hot from Ascot. + +Crowded House in wild excitement. SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE consumed +in bitterness of spirit. "If we'd divided half an hour ago we should +have had majority of 25; a quarter of an hour ago, ten minutes ago, +five minutes ago, sixty seconds earlier, we'd have won. But those +Irish Shylocks must have their pound of verbosity. Couldn't resist +temptation of putting an extra question, even for certainty of +defeating Government. When they're once started on subject of +shadowing, they go off by the hour." + +"Well, never mind," said GORST; "you know it isn't the first time in +history that men have sacrificed the substance for the shadow." + +_Business done._--The Government's--very nearly. + +_Friday._--HOME SECRETARY in the Dock; Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT, Q.C., +instructed by Mr. HENRY FOWLER (Messrs. CORSER, FOWLER, & LANGLEY, +Wolverhampton), prosecuted. Prisoner, who was accommodated with a +seat, conducted his own defence. After long consultation, Jury could +not agree, and were discharged without a verdict. + +_Business done._--Metropolitan Police Vote agreed to. + + * * * * * + +THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY. + +_Monday._--_Carmen._ ZELIE is the accepted _Carmen_ this season--no +better; and MAGGIE MACINTYRE as _Michaela_, which, being an awkward +name to pronounce, might be abbreviated to _Mickie_. DAN DRADY the +Dramatic, excellent as _Escamillo_. One singer in a season plays many +parts, and one part is played by several singers. How would a theatre +succeed conducted on this plan, so that the same play should be +produced on certain nights with a different cast? Here is DAN DRADY, +for example; he plays _Escamillo_, tragi-comedy, one night; another +time he is the noble _San Bris_ in _Les Huguenots_; another, he +is _Figaro_ the loquacious _Barber of Seville_; another, he is the +devil-may-care gallant _Don Giovanni_; and, though best in serious +parts, he is good in all of them. On other occasions, when _Carmen_ +is given, the cast will be changed; some other singer will represent +_Escamillo_, or someone will replace MAGGIE as _Mickie_; RAVELLI the +Reliable will have been _Don Jose_ once, and then MONTARIOL or YBOS +(why Boss? Can't yet make this out), or even JEAN DE RESZKE may +represent the nincompoop soldier. Suppose _A Pair of Spectacles_, with +a change of cast, Mr. HARE out of it occasionally, and Mr. ... Ah! +there's the difficulty, Mr. Who, taking his part. Imagine _Faust_ +without IRVING as _Mephistopheles_. What a big Company it would +require! No; better leave well alone. + +[Illustration: Mr Punch.] + +_Tuesday._--_Faust._ Always a safe draw. Same cast as before. Worth +noting, that GOUNOD has given _Wagner_ very little to do in this +Opera, and that little not of his best. Evidently GOUNOD does not +possess a strong sense of humour, or he wouldn't have lost such a +chance as this. In the Kermesse Scene _Wagner_ should have commenced +one of his own Wagnerian strains, in the Wagnerian style, and been +immediately stopped by the student's applause. + +_Wednesday._--_Le Nozze di Figaro._ Always charming. Should like +to see examination paper on the plot of _Le Nozze_, questions to be +answered without any reference to book. + + 1. Give succinct and clear account of the plot. + + 2. What connection with plot have _Figaro's_ father and + mother? + + 3. What social position among the Count's guests are the + ladies of the ballet supposed to hold? + + 4. Having stated this, account for their costumes. + + 5. Why does Mlle. PALLADINO, the chief dancing guest, take no + sort of notice of _Il Conte_ and _La Contessa_? Are they not + on speaking terms? If not, why not? + + 6. Why is _Don Bartolo_ always made up and costumed as a + superior Pantaloon? + +Delighted again to see ELLA RUSSELL as _Susanna_. To think that only +the other evening she was the graceful and stately _Queen Marguerite_ +in _Les Huguenots_, and now she is a _soubrette tres piquante_. +There are other pages in Madame SCALCHI'S history--the page in +_the Huguenots_, for example, and his twin brother in _Lucrezia +Borgia_--which like me more than her _Cherubino_. Vocally DAN DRADY +the Dramatic is all right; but he is too severe for _Figaro_ the +barber. Good house considering it is Ascot week, and on this night +when such sad rumours are in the air, everyone sincerely delighted at +seeing the Marchioness of LORNE in the Royal Box. + +_Thursday._--_Cup Day_, Ascot. _Romeo et Juliette._ Most +appropriate: _Juliette_ takes the Cup. + +_Friday, Don Giovanni_; and _Saturday, Lucia_. This deponent sings, +"Not there, not there, my child!" "Eye hath not seen,"--I mean, "_I_ +have not seen" these two on these two particular occasions; but I +believe that, in consequence of my absence, the Opera went on as +usual, and DRURIOLANUS did not have to come before the Curtain and +make an apology. + + * * * * * + +IN THE KNOW. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet._) + +THE crass and pernicious dulness of some people exceeds belief. +There exists at the office of this paper a _person_--he is absolutely +unworthy of any other designation--who presumed last week to abstain +from inserting in these columns the article to which the sporting +millions of his fellow countrymen were looking for information with +reference to the Ascot doings. I have no doubt whatever that _he +himself used the hints_ which that article contained, for I have since +seen him in a brand-new hat and a gold watch-chain, the result of his +ill-gotten gains. For my own sake I am forced to explain this sinister +business, lest the preposterous suet-headed Mr. J. should triumph, +and my readers should suppose for a moment that I would willingly +disappoint them. I have kept a copy of what I wrote, and I here +transcribe some of it in self-defence. + +"With regard to the Royal Hunt Cup," I observed, "only a bat-eyed +bargee, with the brains of a molluscous monkey, could fail to see the +merits of _Morion_. _Morion_, it is well known, is an open helmet, but +it doesn't follow from that that the Hunt Cup is an open event. Far +from it. Visor, or no visor, those who elect to stand on _Morion_, +need anticipate no trouble from anything else, for _Morion_ is as +certain to win the race as Mr. J. is to make a green-gooseberry fool +of himself before another week is out." There was accuracy. No silly +beating about the bush, but a straightforward piece of information, +which not even the great band of boozy Bedlamites and buffoons who +dance attendance on Mr. J. could have mistaken. But, as I said, no +blame attaches to me in the matter. + +Now then with regard to the Gold Cup. I said: "In the Gold Cup the old +adage holds, _Medio tutissimus ibis_. The Ibis, I may mention, though +he was an Egyptian bird, cannot be termed a flyer. However, take the +three words _The Gold Cup_, select the middle word, open your +mouth, bung up the eyes of anyone who impedes you, and wire to your +Commissioner." The middle word was "Gold," and _Gold_, of course, won +the Cup that was of, _or_ belonging to him. Ask Prince SOLTYKOFF if +am right or wrong. And for the rest, if any fuddling, bolus-brained, +bran-faced, turnip-tongued, hippopotamus-headed moon-calf doubts my +word, let him remember that there are pistols for two--_and coffee for +one_, in Belgium, and let him tremble. + + * * * * * + +THE WAY WE SHALL LIVE SOON. + +(_From the Diary of the Automatically Conducted._) + +7 A.M.--Turned out of automatically constructed bed and deposited +on the floor. Am picked up and hurled into an automatic dressing, +washing, and shaving chair, after which, being dressed by self-acting +machinery, descend by switchback lift to dining-room, where I am fed +by an "automatic private breakfast supplier" while listening to last +night's speeches in the House, and the latest gossip, furnished by one +of the "_Phonographic Association's Parliamentary and Social Scandal +Machines_." + +10 A.M.--Take automatic horse exercise, and am thrown twice, being +picked up each time automatically by a self-registering and revolving +automatic policeman. + +NOON.--Attend the marriage of a favourite niece, assisting at the +subsequent social entertainment which is supplied to the assembled +guests on the platform of a West-End terminus from one of the +"Twopenny Wedding Breakfast Company's Automatic Machines," the +Bridegroom at the same time presenting the Bridesmaids with a handsome +Penny Piece of Jewellery from a similar source. + +4 P.M.--Hair cut automatically, but, owing to some want of nice +adjustment in the machinery, having managed to get ears clipped +smartly at the same time, put penny into slot and consult an automatic +pillar-post. Eventually get my head (and my hat too, by mistake) +strapped up by patent automatic binder in the ward of an automatically +conducted Hospital. + +8 P.M.--Dine automatically with automatic halfpenny appetite, +listening to Phonographic Italian Opera at one of Metropolitan +District Underground Stations. + +10 P.M.--Dragged up-stairs mechanically by switch-back lift, and have +my boots pulled off by machinery, being automatically flung into a hot +bath, turned out, scrubbed, lifted out, dried by a revolving towel, +and eventually thrown into bed and tucked up, and finally sent +to sleep by Phonograph repeating good things said by funny man at +previous day's evening-party. + + * * * * * + +THE MONRO DOCTRINE (_not to be adopted by Sir Edward Bradford_). That +the control of the legislative proposals of the Government should be +"a question of police." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INFELICITOUS QUOTATIONS. + +_Jones (after a delightful Waltz)._ "AND NOW, MISS BROWN, LET US GO +AND SEEK SOME 'REFRESHMENT FOR MAN AND BEAST!'"] + + * * * * * + +"GIVEN AWAY WITH A POUND OF TEA!" + +_A Song of (Imperial) Shop._ + + OH, nice little, plump little German boy, + Approaching the Counter of B. & Co., + You never, most probably, hoped to enjoy + In the way of business--a way _you_ know-- + An opportunity half so good + For doing a smart little stroke of trade. + BULL'S Shopman, you see, is in generous mood, + As "wonderful bargains" his wares are arrayed, + And treasures,--no wonder you jump with glee! + Are "Given away with a Pound of Tea!" + + _Do ut des!_ That's the motto, of course, + _The_ motto of Shop in the Fatherland; + It was laid down by OTTO with lucid force, + And CAPRIVI its bearings doth understand. + But the man at the Counter of JOHN BULL'S Stores, + The drift of the doctrine seems hardly to grasp; + So his Teuton customer collars and scores. + He's stolid and 'cute, or he'd stare and gasp + To see the possessions of Mr. JOHN B. + "Given away with a Pound of Tea!" + + Pays for 'em? Humph! With a Zanzibar cheque; + Like a "Bank of Elegance" counterfeit note, + Or a draft on oneself; worth a penny a peck. + Such paper as this on the market to float! + Giving you what is yours, or at least is not _his_, + In exchange for whatever he happens to want, + Is what slangy Sportsmen call "very good biz," + For _him_, though for you, BULL, it looks like a "plant," + Have you any more goods, BULL, you'd like to see + "Given away with a Pound of Tea?" + + Kilima Njara, no doubt, was a boon, + To the innocent butterfly-hunting boy. + (Who sups with the--Teuton, should have a long spoon, + For his appetite's eager and dainties don't cloy.) + The Hinterland comes in most handy, no doubt, + And then that nice bonus of Heligoland! + Ah, truly, the Teuton knows what he's about. + But Shopman SALISBURY, why should he stand + And advertise goods of his master J. B. + As "Given away with a Pound of Tea?" + + What's the next article? Pray, do not shrink + From "giving a name to it," small German boy; + The Shopman so smiles, one might verily think + That "parting's" _not_ "sorrow," but what he'll enjoy. + "Surrender," and "Scuttle," and all the bad terms + Once hurled at "the Shirkers" to roost now return. + Where _is_ the last Jingo? One fancies he squirms + And invokes ASHMEAD-BARTLETT. Could he Jingos spurn, + Do worse--the old Shopman, false W.G.-- + Than cry, "Given away with a Pound of Tea?" + + Though a bargain's a bargain, and not a bad stroke + When a little good-nature secures a firm friend, + Reciprocity all on one side's a poor joke, + And a bargain that's bad is a bargain to mend. + That German is not yet gone out of the shop, + Recall him a moment--to look at that cheque! + It may not be one that a banker would stop, + But is it "Good Value"? This rede you may reck, + Mr. Shopman, _sans_ shame. 'Tis pure fiddle-dedee + To give _too_ much away with your Pound of Tea! + + * * * * * + +HARROW OR HANVER? + +FROM an all-too-brief correspondence in the _P. M. G._, we learn that +Mr. JOHN ADDINGTON SYMONDS is very angry with Mr. FRANK HARRIS for a +statement appearing in a _Fortnightly Review_ article of his, that he +"went to Hanver at the age of thirteen." Mr. SYMONDS explains that it +was to Harrow that he went at that period of his life, and that he +has never been to Hanver at all--which, no doubt, is a matter of great +importance to mankind in general. He complains, moreover, that his +essay is "villanously ill-edited." Surely this is what _Polonius_ +would call "an ill-phrase," and suggests a doubt whether Mr. SYMONDS +cultivated much at Harrow those "ingenuous arts," the study of which +"softens the manners and does not permit them to be brutal." Perhaps +it is not even now too late for him to pick them up. He might try +Hanver. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "GIVEN AWAY WITH A POUND OF TEA!!!"] + + * * * * * + +THE LADIES' YEAR. + +[_Miss Margaret Alford (of Girton) Niece of scholarly Dean Alford, is +announced in one of the four "Senior Classes" at Cambridge._] + + "A DREAM of Fair Women"--who shine in the Schools, + The Muse should essay ere her ardour quite cools. + Come, bards, take your lyres and most carefully tune 'em, + For Girton in glory now pairs off with Newnham. + Miss FAWCETT the latter with victory wreathed, + And now, ere the males from their marvel are breathed, + Miss MARGARET ALFORD, the niece of the Dean, + As a Classical First for the former is seen. + Let Girton toast Newnham, and Newnham pledge Girton, + And--let male competitors put a brisk "spurt" on, + Lest when modern Minerva adds learning to grace, + Young Apollo should find himself out of the race! + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration: The Mephistophelian Whistlerian Butterfly "On the +Pounce" at Antwerp.] + +"_The Gentle Art of making Enemies, as pleasantly exemplified in +many instances," &c., &c._ (for full title see the book itself) is, +whatever "_Messieurs les Ennemis_" may think of it, a work of rare +humour. Of course you must first of all be interested in King JAMES +and his subjects,--his principal subject being himself, (and lucky the +man who can _command himself_)--and you must wish to know the story of +his rights and wrongs; then this interest and desire being taken for +granted, the book of the butterfly is a thing of beauty and a joy for +now and ever. The heads are epigrammatic and the tails sprightly, and +both eminently characteristic, for the heads tell their own tales, and +the tails in tadpolian scheme are the outcome of the heads. Most +of the waggery is in these tailpieces, which, one and all of them, +represent the real Whistlerian spirit, "the Familiar" of ETCHER JAMES, +that is the Demoniacal Butterfly "in various aspics," as Mrs. MALAPROP +might say. Does the Butterfly's Master address "_Messieurs les +Ennemis_," the Familiar Spirit is all politeness, with head down and +wings outstretched saluting before coming to "on guard." Does Master +"rid himself of the friendship of the many?"--the little Demon shakes +a reef out of his tail and flies upwards, to return after a short +flight of fancy. On occasions when Master has been reflecting +comically and satirically on some of his attackers, or on his +detractors, the volatile Imp literally shakes his sides with +uncontrollable laughter, and can't stand upright for very mirth. The +famous "Ten o'clock" which has been immortalised by _Mr. Punch_ as +the "Ten-and-sixpenny o'clock," in consequence of the tickets being +half-a-guinea apiece, is here reprinted. PROSPERO WHISTLER packs up +his bag of tricks, buries his wand, makes his bow with a little speech +at a testimonial dinner given to him by his friends, and the Familiar +Demon Butterfly, free at last, darts into space, leaves "Finis" +below,--then, you turn over the page, all is blank,--Magician and +Familiar have vanished! + +DAVID STOTT, not of Oldham, but of Oxford Street, publishes dainty +little pocket volumes, and here is one yclept _Essays or Counsels of +Francis Bacon_. "Put it in the bag!" says the Baron, "and let it be my +travelling companion, so that, whenever I want refreshment I may feed +on BACON, that many-sided philosopher." It is a wonderfully handy +volume, tastefully and substantially bound, and its type of the very +clearest. Much-occupied men, who can only snatch here a moment and +there a moment for reading, ought to be grateful to the inventors +and the publishers of all handy books, meaning, says the Baron, books +which are really handy, and which, without destroying the natural +elegance of your figure or the set of your garments, you can carry +comfortably and imperceptibly in your tail coat pocket. + +_Notes from the News._ By JAMES PAYN. (CHATTO AND WINDUS.) Notes on +passing events of all sorts, spiced with capital stories, which +will indeed be a big capital to be drawn upon by the dining-out +_raconteur_,--the only thing against his present success being that +most persons will have read these stories in _The Illustrated London +News_ or in this volume. It is a book for the weary work-all-day man +to dip into, and to come out of it again refreshed. When in doubt as +to what light reading to take up, the Baron advises, "Take PAYN'S." + + BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + +P.S.--My faithful "Co." has been revelling in the Summer Holiday +Number of _All The Year Round_, which consists of a complete story +entitled, _A Mist of Error_, by MARY ANGELA DICKENS. The authoress is +the granddaughter of the great novelist, and the daughter of his son, +the most popular of editors, and the best of good fellows. My "Co." +reports, that the novelette is full of promise, and is a proof that +literary genius is hereditary. Interesting from the first page to the +last, _A Mist of Error_, in spite of its title, is never suggestive +of a fog. My faithful "Co." is also delighted with _Men of the Time +Birthday Book_, compiled by Mr. J. F. BOYES, F.S.A.--a charming little +Volume that everyone will be proud to possess. He prophesies that it +will be one of the most popular of Birthday Books, and congratulates +its compiler on the production of a work of distinct historical value. + + * * * * * + +A GREAT GUNN. + + [GUNN, the great Notts' Batsman, playing for the Players of + England against the Australians at Lords, on June 19 and 20, + made 228 runs, the highest individual score ever made in this + country against the Australians.] + + SUCH calm, graceful batting, of funk as defiant, + As proof against flurry, deserved the crowd's roar. + 'Twas Cricket, indeed, when the Nottingham Giant, + Against the best batting, piled up that huge score; + And the crowd as they watched him smite, play, block, or run, + Could grasp the full meaning of "Sure as a GUNN!" + + * * * * * + +ROBERT AT THE LEATHERSELLERS'. + +WE had been so preshus busy at "the Grand Hotel" lately, that I hadn't +seen werry much of my deer old Citty, but larst week I was arsked for +to go and offishyate there at the jolly Leathersellers Company's Grand +Dinner, as they was about to have a very distangy Party including one +of our most sellybrated Hartist's, who's that poplar that ewerybody +calls him 'ARRY instead of 'ENERY, as must in course have been the +name as his godmothers and godfathers gav him when he was quite young +and had his fust taste of a cold Bath, and most probberbly didn't like +it. + +So I went accordingly, and a werry scrumpshus Bankwet they had, +includin them trewly Royal luxeries '80 Shampane and '47 Port! Ah! +what a thing it must be to be a Royal or a Nobel persson, and to live +on all the Fat of the Land, and wash it all down with nothink yunger +than '80 shampain and '47 Port! And no matter where you gos, or +weather it's to lay down a Fust Stone, or to Hopen a Hexibishun, or to +take a Chair at a nobel Charity Dinner, there it is all reddy for you, +and a hole crowd of Peeple a watching you a eating and a drinking of +'em, and a thanking you artily for taking the trubble of doing so! Ah! +I sumtimes werrily beleeves as that my nateral tastes tells me as I +was horiginally hintended for sum such useful life myself! + +Well, arter the Bankwet of course we had all the reglar gushing +speeches, and werry bewtifool but rather lengthy they was, but +presently a sumthink appened as more estonished me praps than anythink +as has appened to me for some time past. + +The hartistick and poplar Gent as ewerybody calls ARRY FURNACE +was called upon to return thanks for Hart, when to my intense +estonishment, and ewerybody else's emusement, he acshally said as how +as his frend "ROBERT," seeing how garstly pale he turned when he was +told wot he wood have to do, had writ down for him 6 lines of most +bewtifool Poetry, which he at wunce proceeded to recite, and sat down +amid enthusiastick cheers and shouts of larfter! Seeing my look of +puzzled surprise, he kindly turned round to me and said, "Look here, +ROBERT, as I've rather taken a libberty with your honnerd name, +I'll repay you by taking another with your well-known features," and +borrowing a bewtifool pencil of me, that I had bort the day before for +a penny, he acshally sketched three likenesses of me in his Book of +the Songs, and giving it to me, said, with his merry laugh. "There, I +hope that will console you for my bit of harmless fun;" and from what +I was offered for my three sketches when I showed 'em about, after he +was gone, I thinks, that upon the whole, I got a werry good share of +the larf on my own side of the mouth. + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TRYING POSITION OF AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN. + +HE DETERMINES TO TRY THE AUTOMATIC PHOTOGRAPHING MACHINE, THE STATION +BEING EMPTY. TO HIS DISMAY A CROWD HAS GATHERED, AND WATCHES THE +OPERATION.] + + * * * * * + +AN IDEAL INTERVIEWER. + +SCENE--_Den of latest Lion._ + +_Latest Lion (perusing card with no visible signs of gratification.)_ +Confound it! don't remember telling the Editor of _Park Lane_ I'd +let myself be interviewed. Suppose I must have, though. (_Aloud to_ +Servant, _who is waiting_.) You can show the Gentleman up. + +_Servant (returning)._ Mr. WALSINGHAM JERMYN! + +[_A youthful Gentleman is shown in; he wears a pink-striped +shirt-front, an enormous button-hole, and a woolly frock-coat, and is +altogether most expensively and fashionably attired, which, however, +does not prevent him from appearing somewhat out of countenance after +taking a seat._ + +_The L. L. (encouragingly)._ I presume, Mr. JERMYN, you're here to +ask me some questions about the future of the British East African +Company, and the duty of the Government in the matter? + +_Mr. Jermyn (gratefully)._ Er--yes, that's what I've come about, don't +you know--that sort of thing. Fact is (_with a burst of confidence_), +this isn't exactly my line--I've been rather let in for this. You see, +I've not been by way of doin' this long--but what's a fellow to do +when he's stony-broke? Got to do _somethin_', don't you know. So I +thought I'd go in for journalism--I don't mean the drudgery of it, +leader-writin' and that--but the light part of it, _Society_, you +know. But the other day, man who does the interviews for _Park Lane_ +(that's the paper I'm on) jacked up all of a sudden, and my Editor +said I'd better take on his work for a bit, and see what I made of it. +I wasn't particular. You see, I've always been rather a dead hand at +drawin' fellows out, leadin' them on, you know, and all that, so I +knew it would come easy enough to me, for all you've got to do is +to sit tight and let the other chap--I mean to say, the man +you're interviewin'--do all the talking, while you--I mean to say, +myself--keep, keeps--hullo, I'm getting my grammar a bit mixed; +however, it don't signify--_I_ keep quiet and use my eyes and ears +like blazes. Talking of grammar, I thought when I first started that +I should get in a regular hat over the grammar, and the spellin', and +that--_you_ write, don't you, when you're not travellin'? So you know +what a grind it is to spell right. But I soon found they kept a Johnny +at the office with nothing to do but put all your mistakes right for +you, so, soon as I knew that, I went ahead gaily. + +_The L. L._ Exactly, and now, perhaps, you will let me know what +particular information you require? + +_Mr. J._ Oh, _you_ know the sort of thing the public likes--they'll +want to know what sort of diggings you've got, how you dress when +you're at home, and all that, how you write your books, now--you +do write books, don't you? Thought so. Well, that's what the public +likes. You see, your name's a good deal up just now--no humbug, it +_is_ though! Between ourselves, you know, I think the whole business +is the balliest kind of rot, but they've got to have it, so there you +are, don't you see. I don't pretend to be a well-read sort of fellow, +never was particularly fond of readin' and that; no time for it, and +besides, I've always said _Books_ don't teach you knowledge of the +world. I know the world fairly well--but I didn't learn it from +books--ah, you agree with me there--_you_ know what skittles all that +talk is about education and that. Well, as I was sayin', I don't read +much, I see the _Field_ every week, and a clinkin' good paper it is, +tells you everythin' worth knowin', and I read the _Pink Un_, too. Do +you know any of the fellows on it? Man I know is a great friend of one +of them, he's going to introduce me some day, I like knowin' literary +chaps, don't you? You've been about a good deal, haven't you? I expect +you must have seen a lot, travellin' as you do. I've done a little +travellin' myself, been to Monte Carlo, you know, and the Channel +Islands--_you_ ever been to the Channel Islands? Oh, you ought to go, +it's a very cheery place. Talkin' of Monte Carlo, I had a rattlin' +good time at the tables there; took out a hundred quid, determined +I would have a downright good flutter, and Jove! I made that hundred +last me over five days, and came away in nothing but my lawn-tennis +flannels. That's what I _call_ a flutter, don't you know! Er--beastly +weather we're havin'! You have pretty good weather where you've been? +A young brother of mine has been out for a year in Texas--he said +_he_'d very good weather--of course that's some way off where _you_'ve +come from--Central Africa, isn't it? Talkin' of my brother, what do +you think the young ass did?--went out there with a thousand pounds, +and paid it all down to some sportsmen who took him to see some stock +they said belonged to them--of course he found out after they'd off'd +it that they didn't own a white mouse among 'em! But then, DICK'S one +of those chaps, you know, that think themselves so uncommon knowing, +they _can't_ be had. I always told him he'd be taken in someday if he +let his tongue wag so much--too fond of hearing himself talk, don't +you know, great mistake for a young fellow; sure to say somethin' +you'd better have let alone. I suppose you're getting rather sick +of all these banquets, receptions, and that? They do you very well, +certainly. I went to one of these Company dinners some time ago, and +they did me as well as I've ever been done in my life, but when +you've got to sit still afterwards and listen to some chap who's been +somewhere and done somethin' jawin' about it by the hour together +without a check, why, it's not _good_ enough, I'm hanged if it is! +Well, I'm afraid I can't stay any longer--my time's valuable now, +don't you know. I daresay yours is, too. I'm awfully glad to have had +a chat with you, and all that. I expect you could tell me a lot more +interesting things, only of course you've got to keep the best of 'em +to put in your book--you _are_ writin' a book or somethin', ain't you? +Such heaps of fellows are writin' books nowadays, the wonder is how +any of 'em get read. I shall try and get a look at yours, though, if +I come across it anywhere; hope you'll put some amusin' things +in,--nigger stories and that, don't make it too bally scientific, you +know. Directly I get back, I shall sit down, slick off, and write out +all you've told me. I shan't want any notes, I can carry it all in my +head, and of course I shan't put in anything you'd rather I didn't, +don't you know. + +_The L. L. (solemnly)._ Mr. JERMYN, I place implicit confidence in +your discretion. I have no doubt whatever that your head, Sir, is more +than capable of containing such remarks as I have found it necessary +to make in the course of our interview. I like your system of +extracting information, Sir, very much. Good morning. + +_Mr. Jermyn (outside)._ Nice pleasant-spoken fellow--trifle +long-winded, though! Gad, I was so busy listenin' I forgot to notice +what his rooms were like or anythin'! How would it do to go back? No, +too much of a grind. Daresay I can manage to fox up somethin'. I shall +tell the Chief what he said about my system. Chief don't quite know +what I _can_ do yet--this will open his eyes a bit. + +[_And it does._ + + * * * * * + +THE HARE APPARENT.--I forgot to record last week that Saturday, the +14th, was the hundredth night of the _Pair of Spectacles_, and the +silver wedding of Mr. HARE'S stage career. The occasion was celebrated +at the Garrick with a supper given by Mr. HARE to old friends and +comrades. It was an illustration of "_The Hare and many Friends_," +only it wasn't a fable--it was a fact. As closely associated with HARE +at various dinner-tables, I beg to sign myself, + + CURRENTE JELLI CALAMO. + + * * * * * + +-->NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + + + + +[Illustration: INDEX] + + AFTER "The May," 297 + + After the Review, 174 + + All for the Sake of the Army, 98 + + All in Play, 229 + + Among the Amateurs, 11, 25, 52 + + "Ana," 37 + + Another "Competitive," 96 + + Another of Robert's Xstrornerry Adwenturs, 99 + + Another Title for the Guide to the Exhibition at the New Gallery, 27 + + Answers to Correspondents, 9, 13, 57, 65, 169 + + 'Arry on Equality, 85 + + Art of Blacking Boots (The), 264 + + "Ask a P'liceman!" 291 + + Ask a White Man! 280 + + Astral Complication (An), 117 + + At his Mayerjesty's, 293 + + At Sea in an Easter Egg-shell, 170 + + At the Porte St. Martin, 33 + + Au Revoir! 73 + + Autocrat (The), 254 + + Avenue Theatre, 89 + + BABE o' Grace (A), 186 + + "Baby Bung," 234 + + Back to Backs, 291 + + Ballad of Evil Speed (A), 3 + + Ballad of the Earl's Breeks (The), 273 + + Basta, Faster! 169 + + Beer, 268 + + "Big Gun!" (The), 114 + + Bitter Cry of the London Rider Haggard and Jaded, 268 + + Boat-Race Vision (A), 147 + + "Britons never will be Slaves!" 54 + + Buffalo Bill and Leo Pope, 124 + + Bullying poor "Bully," 202 + + Burglar's Back (The), 138 + + Busy (J.) B. (The), 2 + + CALLS for the Public Prosecutor? 47 + + Captain of the "Paris" (The). 63 + + Chant for the College of Surgeons (A), 185 + + Chapter of Dickens up to Date (A), 244 + + Charles the First, 243 + + Children's Fancy Dress Ball (The), 201 + + Comic Slaughter, 136 + + Coming Big Bore (A), 35 + + Conversation Manual, 233 + + "Counting the Chicks," 42 + + "Country and Duty," 258 + + Court Napping, 213 + + Covent Gardening Prospects, 135 + + Cry of the City Children (The), 123 + + Curious Cure (A), 28 + + "Cut off the Joint" (A), 186 + + DARES and Entellus, 14 + + Daubigny in Bond Street, 102 + + Derby Disappointments, 270 + + Developing Hawarden, 277 + + Diag-nose-is of Wine (A), 97 + + Diana at Dinner, 303 + + Diary of a Jolly Party, 47 + + Disclaimer (A), 113 + + Ditty of the Dagger (The), 38 + + Divorce Shop (The), 18 + + "Dose of 'Gregory'" (A), 113 + + "Dot and go One," 5 + + "Doubtful!" 270 + + Dropping the Pilot, 155 + + Dunraven, 162 + + EARLY Green Peas, 264 + + East-ern Art in Bond Street, 117 + + Echo from the Lane (An), 201 + + Eight Hours Only, 217 + + Elcho Answers, 282 + + "Embarrassing!" 267 + + "English, you know, quite English," 137 + + Epidemiological, 63 + + Essence of Parliament, 83, 94, 106, 112, 131, 143, 155, 167, 178, + 204, 216, 227, 232, 252, 256, 287, 292, 304 + + Eventful Week (An), 111 + + Exchelsior! 274 + + Exit in Fumo, 186 + + FABLE, for Fanatics (A), 203 + + Farthing Novel Series (The), 105 + + Fifty Years of Railway Progress, 96 + + Finishing Touch (The), 66 + + First Appearance of the Swiss-Back Railway, 183 + + First Fight (The), 231 + + First Roze of Summer (The), 255 + + "Fishing Interrogatory" (A), 165 + + "Fish out of Water" at Greenwich, 50 + + Five o'clock Tea Bonnet Company, 264 + + For the Sake of the Empire, 41 + + "For this Relief, much thanks!" 147 + + Fortunate and Economical, 101 + + French Gallery (The), 159 + + From the Zoo, 87 + + GHOSTLESS Boston, 101 + + "Gift Horse" (The), 162 + + "Given away with a Pound of Tea!" 306 + + Going too Fast, 303 + + Gold tipped Cigarettes, 72 + + "Good Old Grace!" 277 + + Grand Old Billee, 111 + + Grand Old Hat (The), 137 + + Grandolph Goodfellow, 218 + + "Grandolpho Furioso!" 138 + + Grandolph's Latest, 102 + + Grandolph's Logic, 184 + + Great Gunn (A), 309 + + Great Lincoln Trial Stakes (The), 119 + + "Grenadiers to the Front!" 125 + + HARE Apparent (The), 310 + + "Harlowe there!" 123 + + Harmless Ghost, 287 + + Harrow or Hanver? 306 + + He can't Alp it! 138 + + "Her Majesty's Opposition," 17 + + Historical Parallels, 6 + + Holiday Catechism, 25, 37 + + How I Welcomed Stanley, 215 + + How to make the Most of it, 75 + + How to Meet it, 53 + + How we do Business now, 133 + + Hypnotic High Feeding, 202 + + IDEAL Interviewer (An), 310 + + "I'll call thee Hamlet," 135 + + Imperial Socialist (The), 74, 158 + + Incantation Scene (The), 90 + + Interesting Novelty, 195 + + In the Know, 184, 201, 215, 217, 229, 251, 263, 267, 279, 305 + + In the Lane, 181 + + In the Name of Charity--Go to Prison! 49 + + "In the Name of the Law!" 201 + + Irish Question in Bond Street (The), 35 + + JAPANESE Belle (A), 17 + + "Johnnykin and the Goblings," 89 + + Journal of a Rolling Stone, 1 + + Jubalee Performance (A), 123 + + Jubilee of the Penny Post (The), 28 + + Justice at High Pressure, 16 + + Justiss for the Pore, 133 + + "Just to oblige Benson," 3 + + KICKED, 41, 63, 69, 77 + + "Killaloe Dam Gone," 23 + + Killing for a Shilling, 83 + + L'ABBE In-Constantin Parsonified, 185 + + Ladies' Year (The), 309 + + Last Charge of the Light Brigade (The), 196 + + Last of the Bacilli (The), 220 + + Law and the Liver (The), 195 + + Learning by Art, 173 + + Le Kick-balle Fight, 105 + + "Le Kicke-Ball in France," 129 + + L'Enfant Terrible! 222 + + Le 'Ockey Stick-Balle Fight, 294 + + "Le Petit Duc," 86 + + "Le Sport" in Bouverie Street, 161 + + Lines on the Labour Conference, 137 + + Lion's Diary (The), 17 + + Little Duc and his Big Bill (The), 119 + + London County Council and the Lyceum Theatre (The), 109 + + London for the Londoners, 30 + + Look at Home, 186 + + Luxury of Pantomime (The), 65 + + MADAME Diogenes, 134 + + Master Singers, 120 + + "May Fare Work!" 141 + + Measures and Men, 221 + + Menu-Betting, 61 + + Mid-day Meal-lennium (A), 261 + + Mid-Winter Night's Dream (A), 12 + + Modern Cornelia (The), 299 + + Modern Hercules and the Pygmies (The), 230 + + Modern Types, 89, 101, 120, 124, 136, 148, 160, 177, 192, 208, + 220, 249, 285, 301 + + "Montagu! a Montagu!" (A), 24 + + More about Talleyrand, 275 + + More Glory, 57 + + "More Light!" 51 + + More Masquerading, 287 + + More Novelties, 208 + + More to Follow, 126 + + Mr. Gladstone's Letters, 65 + + Mr. Punch's Dictionary of Phrases, 141, 148, 157, 173, 191, 196, + 206, 218, 238, 255, 276, 280, 291, 301 + + Mr. Punch's Moral Music-Hall Dramas, 4, 24, 60, 64, 76, 88, 100, + 121, 145, 193, 205, 241 + + Mr. Punch's Proverbs up to date, 213 + + Musical Anticipation (A), 30 + + Musical Notes, 167 + + Muzzled and Puzzled, 26 + + "My Curate," 157 + + Mystic Letters (The), 23 + + My Tailor, 117 + + NAVAL Intelligence, 171 + + Nellie at the Sodgeries, 244 + + Nell of Chelsea (The), 225 + + New Amazon (The), 143 + + New Dance of Death (The), 206 + + New Gallery Novelties, 238 + + New Tune (The), 62 + + North Walls (The), 13 + + Notes "in Globo," 114 + + Nothing New, 18 + + "Not such a Fool as he Looks," 246 + + Novel Advice from Lincolnshire, 177 + + Novel with a Purpose (A). 276 + + "Nuts" for the Coal Trade, 225 + + ODE on a Black Ball, 137 + + Odds on the Bed makers, 221 + + Old Bond Street Galleries (The), 156 + + Old Colds for New, 33 + + Old Friends and Counsel, 114 + + Old, Old Story (The), 39 + + Old Times Revived, 196 + + Omnibusiness, 131 + + One Too Many for Him, 294 + + Only Remedy (The), 183 + + On the Spot, 277 + + On the Swoop! 196 + + Opera-goer's Diary (The), 213, 257, 269, 281, 293, 305 + + "O rare 'Ben'!" 143 + + Oar Advertisers, 161, 189, 229 + + Our Booking-Office, 10, 16, 57, 63, 75, 93, 102, 111, 125, 141, + 165, 173, 189, 203, 210, 221, 231, 249, 262, 276, 293, 309 + + Our New Duke, 261 + + Our Turn Now, 49 + + Out and About, 250 + + PAGE from a Diary (A), 51 + + Page from an Imperial Note-book (A), 160 + + Parliamentary Intelligence, 2 + + Patient at Play (The), 244 + + Penalties of Greatness (The), 173 + + Pick of the Pictures (The), 226 + + Pictures in the Haymarket, 137 + + Pilferer (The), 36 + + Pint of it (The), 124 + + Piping Times for the Empire, 137 + + (Pitched) Outing (A), 171 + + "Place aux Dames!" 289 + + Plain English! 30 + + Playing Dark, 153 + + Play-time, 161 + + Pleasure-Seeker's Vade Mecum (The), 257 + + Police Fun, 180 + + Premier's Power (The), 78 + + Primrose's Peep-Show, 218 + + Prince "Starring" at Poole (The), 41 + + "Promise of May" (The), 207 + + "Propria quae Maribus," 137 + + Put this in your Pipe, 165 + + "Putting his Nose out of Joint," 110 + + Puzzles for the New Year, 23 + + QUESTION of Parentage, 129 + + Quite a Little Banc(roft) Holiday, 255 + + RAILWAY Unpunctuality Report, 268 + + Ratepayer's Reply (A), 148 + + Rather Shifty, 297 + + Recking the Rede Lecture, 297 + + Resolutions for the Cosmopolitan Labour Meeting, 206 + + Retiring Young Man (A), 122 + + Revised Version. "In Globo," 126 + + "Richardson's Show" and a "Bill of the Play," 84 + + Riviera in Bond Street (The), 54 + + Robert at Guildhall, 261 + + Robert at the Leathersellers', 309 + + Robert on Good Old Krismus, 16 + + Robert on the Boat-Race, 153 + + Robert's Commishuns, 172 + + Robert's Companions, 81 + + Robert's Krismus Him, 6 + + Robert's Little Hollerday, 192 + + Robert Trihumfunt! 162 + + Rooky Walker! 184 + + Root of the Matter (The), 85, 165 + + Rose-Water Cure (The), 242 + + Royal Academy Banquet (The), 222 + + Royal Berkshire, 87 + + Royal Society of Painters in Water-Colours, 194 + + Rum Customer (A), 245 + + Russian Art, 5 + + "SALUTE;" or, Taking Distance (The), 78 + + Saturday Series (A), 119 + + Savoyards (The), 5 + + School-Board before the End of the Century (The), 288 + + "Scots wha hae," 219 + + Set down for Trial, 39 + + Shaftesbury Song (A), 267 + + Shall Women Smoke? 42 + + Shooting Arrows at a Song, 87 + + Short Mathematical Paper, 263 + + Short Song in Season (A), 203 + + Shrewing of the Tame (The), 53 + + Signs of the Season, 180 + + Slaps for Slippers, 27 + + "Society for the Study of Inebriety" (A), 181 + + Something like a Dinner, 84 + + Song for Mr. Stansfeld, M.P., 108 + + Song Sentimentiana, 125, 105, 183, 243 + + Song with Words (A), 189 + + Sounds of the Streets, 45 + + South-Eastern Alphabet (The), 61 + + Spectacular, 143 + + "Speed the Parting," 37 + + Sporting Correspondent (A), 21 + + Stanley Africanus! 210 + + Stanley and African Exhibition (The), 113 + + Stanzas to Rhubarb, 135 + + Startling for Gourmets, 61 + + Start (The), 6 + + Statesmen at Home, 21, 48, 72 + + Street Music, 42 + + Striking Home, 146 + + Study for the Pelican Club, 53 + + Suggestion from Pump-handle Court (A), 169 + + "Sweet--Marjorie!" 71 + + Sweet Thing in Criticism (A), 281 + + TAKEN as you Like it, 117 + + Taken from the French Plays, 280 + + Thank Goodness, 126 + + Theatrical Short Service Bill, 209 + + Thoughts on his Wine-Merchant, 191 + + "Three Fishers," 282 + + Tippler's Triumph (The), 195 + + Tips from the Tape, 209 + + To an Old Friend with a New Wig, 66 + + Tommius Etonensis loquitur, 48 + + Topping the Tripos, 280 + + To the New Scribe and Poet, 225 + + Trivial Round (The), 172 + + Two Heads better than One! 180 + + Two Views of the Sodgeries, 233 + + UNCHRISTIAN Caveat (An), 174 + + University Intelligence, 159 + + Unknown Quantity (An), 195 + + Unscientific Dialogue (An), 59 + + Unsought Honour, 30 + + Untiled, 9, 13, 37, 49, 61, 73, 97 + + Useful Warning, 189 + + "VANITY Un-Fair," 37 + + "Venice Preserved" in the Haymarket, 53 + + Very Silly Song (A), 47 + + Voces Populi, 29, 40, 237, 253, 265, 300 + + WARE Brummagem! 234 + + Way to the Temple (The), 159 + + Way we shall Live soon (The), 305 + + Week by Week, 213, 228, 240, 245, 263, 273, 279, 289, 303 + + Where Marriages are Made, 167 + + White Slave (A), 289 + + Winter at Burlington House, 18 + + "Will he get through?" 278 + + Work for the Holidays, 15 + + YET another Quarterly, 208 + + + + +LARGE ENGRAVINGS. + + After the Review, 175 + + "Baby Bung," 235 + + "Big Gun!" (The), 115 + + "Counting the Chicks!" 43 + + "Country and Duty," 259 + + "Cut off the Joint" (A), 187 + + Divorce Shop (The), 19 + + "Doubtful!" 271 + + Dropping the Pilot, 150, 151 + + Finishing Touch (The), 67 + + Foreign Fox (The), 55 + + "Gift Horse" (The), 163 + + "Given away with a Pound of Tea!" 307 + + "Grandolpho Furioso!" 139 + + Grandolph's Latest, 103 + + "Incantation" (The), 91 + + L'Enfant Terrible! 223 + + "Not such a Fool as he looks!" 247 + + One Too Many for Him, 295 + + On the Swoop! 198, 199 + + Plain English! 31 + + "Salute!" or, Taking his Measure (The), 79 + + Stanley Africanus! 211 + + Start (The), 7 + + Thank Goodness!!! 127 + + "Three Fishers," 283 + + + + +SMALL ENGRAVINGS. + + AESTHETIC Party in Furnished House, 246 + + Allsopp's Bitter and Shareholder, 98 + + Amateur Banjoist and Friend, 15 + + Amateur Tenor and Sarcastic Friend, 123 + + American "Pistol" (The), 245 + + Attack on a Mail Coach, 196 + + Author's Heavy Book (An), 27 + + Automatic Arbitration, 237 + + Barberesses at Work, 186 + + Bismarck's Last Appearance, 122 + + Blindfolded Russian Emperor, 254 + + Boulanger's New Tune, 62 + + Brigand Bullfinch (The), 202 + + Brighton Bath-chairman's Quiet Route (A), 189 + + Bull and the Frog (The), 50 + + 'Bus Conductor's Important Passenger (A), 207 + + Butcher's Boy and the "Meet," 6 + + Butterfly-collecting in East Africa, 263 + + Cabby's Fare paid in Small Coin, 261 + + Cab-Runners after a Hansom, 210 + + Caledonia's Electric Light, 219 + + Catholic Priest and Schoolboys, 135 + + Chaplin and the Kentish Dogs, 26 + + Cheap Horse at a Fair (A), 225 + + Colonel M'Whuskey's Epidemic, 75 + + Colonial Friend goes Hunting (A), 129 + + Cook who wants Execution (A), 282 + + Country Editor's Salmon (A), 95 + + Country M.P.'s Summons to Duty, 70 + + Cow in Drury Lane Pantomime, 28 + + Cross-examining a Lady, 125 + + Curate and Schoolboys' Class, 203 + + Cyclist Judges on Circuit, 201 + + Dismounted Steeple-chaser's Friend, 243 + + Distinguished Colonists in London, 206 + + Doctor Cockshure's Travelled Patient, 63 + + Dressing for her own Dance, 42 + + Effect of Low Stable on Horse's Knees, 184 + + Electric Tramway in the Commons, 178 + + Emperor and Socialist Workman, 158 + + Engineering, little Tour Eiffel, and Forth + Bridge, 110 + + Exchanging Hats with a Scarecrow, 253 + + Exhibits at the "Silk" Exhibition, 268 + + Famous Pictures Leaving the Country, 46 + + Fancy Portrait of My Laundress, 137 + + Fasting Man and the Starving Man, 221 + + Flattening a Bonnet, 294 + + Flight of the Demon Influenza, 38 + + Frenchman's Stay in London (A), 303 + + French Peasant with Influenza, 40 + + Grand Old Hypnotiser at St. Stephen's, 286 + + Grand Old Undergrad (The), 58 + + Grandolph Puck at Sea in Egg-shell, 170 + + Great Lincoln Trial in a Fog, 118 + + Greedy Boy at the School Feast, 155 + + Groom waiting at Tea, 23 + + Grosvenor Gallery Pictures, 262, 274 + + Guardsman and Nursemaids' Group, 287 + + Hearty Luncher going to see Succi, 183 + + High Sleeves for both Sexes, 162 + + Home Secretary and Mr. Punch, 182 + + Home Secretary and the Policeman, 290 + + Horse refuses to Jump over Water, 45 + + House of Ciphers (A), 130 + + House of Commons all Sixes and Sevens (The), 142 + + House of Commons from Toby's Box, 154 + + How to Avoid giving a Dinner Party, 157 + + Hunters shod with Snow Shoes, 10 + + Hunting Gent and Rustics, 93 + + Imperial Socialist (The), 74 + + Infant Prodigies' Concert (An), 174 + + Inquiring Visitor and Footman, 131 + + Insured Children, 299 + + John Bull's New Year's Dream, 2 + + Jones to take Miss B. in to Supper, 102 + + Kent Coal Hole (The), 108 + + Lady Artist and Small Rustic, 83 + + Lady's Hair-Dagger (A), 215 + + Lady's well-preserved Good Looks (A), 126 + + Laura's Honeymoon Trip, 270 + + Legend of the Briar-root, 209 + + Little Duke with the Tricolor (The), 86 + + Lively Piece of Cheese (A), 35 + + Madame Diogenes, 134 + + Mariar Ann's Visit to a Fine House, 258 + + Marrying to go to the Paris Exhibition, 87 + + Maxims for the Bar, 133, 156, 169, 217, 277 + + Medicinal Refreshments, 51 + + M.F.H.'s Opinion of Jenkinson's Horse, 33 + + Money Market recovers from Tightness, 73 + + Mr. Hare in a New Pair of Spectacles, 97 + + Mr. M'Sawney and his Dance-card, 78 + + Mr. Punch and the Coal-Miner, 146 + + Mr. Punch and Tom Sayer's Shade, 14 + + Mr. Punch's Grand "Old Masters," 34 + + Near-sighted Man and Lady's Bonnet, 52 + + Neighbour and a Bore (A), 18 + + New Gallery Pictures, 238 + + New German Rifle (The), 65 + + Not Bleeding with the Lancet, 47 + + Old Gentleman and the Automatic Photographic Machine, 310 + + "Only a Face at a Window!" 138 + + Our Artist and the Street-Music, 54 + + Our Artist's Reply to Handsome Lady, 167 + + Painter and Musician after Dinner, 143 + + Papa's Description of a Centaur, 275 + + Parliamentary Conversation Cages, 106 + + Parliamentary Golf-Links, 190 + + Parnell rejects Balfour's Bill, 194 + + Pat and his Boycotted Landlord, 71 + + Photographing a Stern-looking Lady, 234 + + Poor Children's Pantomime (The), 22 + + Professor Tyndall's Portrait of Mr. G., 267 + + Proud Mother's Schoolboy's Expenses, 99 + + Punch's Parliamentary Puppets, 82 + + Quite a Contrast to his Brother, 279 + + "Refreshment for Man and Beast," 306 + + Result of a Horse's Cough, 69 + + Resurrection of Mummified Cats, 81 + + Rival Anecdotists, 291 + + Royal Academy Pictures, 226, 227, 250 + + Sarcastic Hostess and Lady Guest, 66 + + Schoolboy defines Quakers' Speech, 255 + + Schoolmaster and Boy's Arithmetic, 218 + + Scientific Volunteer (The), 85 + + Scotch Deerstalker makes a "Miss," 107 + + Sculpture in Wax, 273 + + Season's Geniuses and Beauties (The), 147 + + Seating all the Commons' Members, 94 + + Seeing the "Apeiary" at the Zoo, 159 + + "Seniora Fawcett," 289 + + "'Shadowing' Members of Parliament," 298 + + Sketch at a Concert (A), 276 + + Small Servant at Registry Office, 11 + + Smith pursued by Opposition Bull, 278 + + Sprinkling Sweaters with Rose-water, 242 + + Stanley besieged by Invitations, 230 + + Stanley introducing East Africa to Lord Salisbury, 266 + + State of the Markets Illustrated, 240 + + Strictly Private Academy View, 214 + + Substance of Shadowed M.P.'s, 302 + + Succi as a Sandwich-Man, 229 + + Suggestions for Pictorial Directory, 240, 261 + + Swell and the Confounded Blacks, 119 + + Swell who is Colour-Blind (A), 90 + + Swell who made an Ass of himself, 114 + + Swell who was Thinking of Nothing, 3 + + "Swopping" Horses, 165 + + Taking an Interest in Criminal Law, 171 + + Tandem Leader and Posts, 297 + + Time's Effect on Celebrities Heads, 166 + + Tommy's Self-Denial in Lent, 191 + + Toole before and after Dinners, &c., 36 + + Training Children as Fasting People, 231 + + Unmuzzling Maud's Terrier, 251 + + Vicar's Wife and the Cracked Globe, 59 + + Volunteers Refreshing at Review, 179 + + Wife of a Man of Genius (The), 195 + + What to do with Our Artist's Pictures, 39 + + Why Goslin admires Miss Travers, 30 + + Why Shoddson's Servants wear Cockades, 222 + +[Illustration: FINIS] + + * * * * * + +LONDON: BRADBURY, AGNEW & CO. 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