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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a> + +</pre> +<p>Title: Mr. Munchausen<br /> </p> +<p> Being a True Account of Some of the Recent Adventures beyond the Styx of the Late Hieronymus Carl Friedrich, Sometime Baron Munchausen of Bodenwerder<br /> </p> +<p>Author: John Kendrick Bangs<br /> </p> +<p>Release Date: August 14, 2010 [eBook #33432]<br /> </p> +<p>Language: English<br /> </p> +<p>Character set encoding: UTF-8<br /> </p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. MUNCHAUSEN***<br /> </p> +<p> </p> +<h3 class="pg">E-text prepared by Barbara Tozier, Bill Tozier,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br /> + (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3> +<p> </p> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> </p> + + <div id="cover"> + <img src="images/cover.jpg" width="412" height="600" alt="A man with a tricorn hat speaking into a wall telephone" /> + </div> + <p id="ffleaf"><a class="pagenum disguse" id="pagei" title="i"> </a>Mr. MUNCHAUSEN</p> + <!-- <a class="pagenum disguse" id="pageii" title="ii"> </a>[Blank Page] + <a class="pagenum disguse" id="pageiii" title="iii"> </a>[Blank Page] --> + <div id="frontis" class="illo"> + <a href="images/frontis.jpg"><img src="images/frontis-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="414" alt="A portrait of the Baron" /></a> + </div> + <div id="title_page"><a class="pagenum disguse" id="pagev" title="v"> </a> + <h1>Mr. MUNCHAUSEN</h1> + + <p id="extended_title">Being a <em>TRUE ACCOUNT</em> of some of the <em>RECENT ADVENTURES</em> + beyond the <em>STYX</em> of the late <em>HIERONYMUS + CARL FRIEDRICH</em>, sometime <em>BARON MUNCHAUSEN</em> of + <em>BODENWERDER</em>, as originally reported for the <em>SUNDAY EDITION</em> + of the <em>GEHENNA GAZETTE</em> by its <em>SPECIAL INTERVIEWER</em> + the late <em>Mr. ANANIAS</em> formerly of <em>JERUSALEM</em> + and now first transcribed from the columns of that <em>JOURNAL</em> by<br /> + + <span id="author">JOHN KENDRICK BANGS</span></p> + + <p id="embellish">Embellished with Drawings by<br /> + + <span id="illustrator">PETER NEWELL</span></p> + + <p id="device"><img src="images/device.jpg" width="200" height="194" alt="Publisher's Device" /></p> + + <p id="publish_data"><span id="pub_city">BOSTON:</span> Printed for <span id="publisher">NOYES, PLATT & COMPANY</span> + and published by them at their offices in the + <em>PIERCE</em> Building in <em>COPLEY</em> Square, <span class="small_all_caps">A.D.</span> <em>1901</em></p> + + + </div> + <div id="copyright_page"><a class="pagenum disguse" id="pagevi" title="vi"> </a> + <p>Copyright, 1901, by<br /> + NOYES, PLATT & COMPANY,<br /> + (Incorporated)</p> + + <p>Entered at Stationers’ Hall</p> + + <p>The lithographed illustrations are printed in eight colours + by George H. Walker and Company, Boston</p> + + <p>Press of<br /> + Riggs Printing and Publishing Co.<br /> + Albany, N. Y., U. S. A.</p> + </div> + <div id="preface"><a class="pagenum" id="pagevii" title="vii"> </a> + <h2>EDITOR’S APOLOGY<br /> + <em>and</em><br /> + DEDICATION</h2> + + <p class="first_paragraph"><span class="first_word">In</span> order that there may be no misunderstanding + as to the why and the wherefore of this collection + of tales it appears to me to be desirable that I + should at the outset state my reasons for acting as + the medium between the spirit of the late Baron + Munchausen and the reading public. In common + with a large number of other great men in history + Baron Munchausen has suffered because he is not + understood. I have observed with wondering surprise + the steady and constant growth of the idea + that Baron Munchausen was not a man of truth; + that his statements of fact were untrustworthy, and + that as a realist he had no standing whatsoever. + Just how this misconception of the man’s character + has arisen it would be difficult to say. Surely in + his published writings he shows that same lofty resolve + to be true to life as he has seen it that characterises + the work of some of the high Apostles of + Realism, who are writing of the things that will + <a class="pagenum" id="pageviii" title="viii"> </a>teach future generations how we of to-day ordered + our goings-on. The note of veracity in Baron Munchausen’s + early literary venturings rings as clear + and as true certainly as the similar note in the + charming studies of Manx Realism that have come + to us of late years from the pen of Mr. Corridor + Walkingstick, of Gloomster Abbey and London. We + all remember the glow of satisfaction with which we + read Mr. Walkingstick’s great story of the love of + the clergyman, John Stress, for the charming little + heroine, Glory Partridge. Here was something at + last that rang true. The picture was painted in the + boldest of colours, and, regardless of consequences + to himself, Mr. Walkingstick dared to be real when + he might have given rein to his imagination. Mr. + Walkingstick was, thereupon, lifted up by popular + favour to the level of an apostle—nay, he even admitted + the soft impeachment—and now as a moral + teacher he is without a rival in the world of literature. + Yet the same age that accepts this man as a + moral teacher, rejects Baron Munchausen, who, in + different manner perhaps, presented to the world + as true and life-like a picture of the conditions of + <a class="pagenum" id="pageix" title="ix"> </a>his day as that given to us by Mr. Walkingstick in + his deservedly popular romance, “Episcopalians I + have Met.” Of course, I do not claim that Baron + Munchausen’s stories in bulk or in specified instances, + have the literary vigour that is so marked + a quality of the latter-day writer, but the point I + do wish to urge is that to accept the one as a veracious + chronicler of his time and to reject the other + as one who indulges his pen in all sorts of grotesque + vagaries, without proper regard for the facts, is a + great injustice to the man of other times. The question + arises, <em>why</em> is this? How has this wrong upon + the worthy realist of the eighteenth century been + perpetrated? Is it an intentional or an unwitting + wrong? I prefer to believe that it is based upon + ignorance of the Baron’s true quality, due to the + fact that his works are rarely to be found within + the reach of the public: in some cases, because of + the failure of librarians to comprehend his real motives, + his narratives are excluded from Public and + Sunday-School libraries; and because of their extreme + age, they are not easily again brought into + vogue. I have, therefore, accepted the office of intermediary + <a class="pagenum" id="pagex" title="x"> </a>between the Baron and the readers of + the present day, in order that his later work, which, + while it shows to a marked degree the decadence of + his literary powers, may yet serve to demonstrate + to the readers of my own time how favourably he + compares with some of the literary idols of to-day, + in the simple matter of fidelity to fact. If these + stories which follow shall serve to rehabilitate + Baron Munchausen as a lover and practitioner of + the arts of Truth, I shall not have made the sacrifice + of my time in vain. If they fail of this purpose + I shall still have the satisfaction of knowing that I + have tried to render a service to an honest and defenceless + man.</p> + + <p>Meanwhile I dedicate this volume, with sentiments + of the highest regard, to that other great + realist<br /> + <span class="dedication">MR. CORRIDOR WALKINGSTICK<br /> + <em>of</em><br /> + GLOOMSTER ABBEY</span></p> + + <p class="signature">J. K. B.</p> + + </div> + <div id="contents"><a class="pagenum" id="pagexi" title="xi"> </a> + <h2>Contents</h2> + <p class="page_column">PAGE</p> + + <ul> + <li><a href="#chapter_1">I Encounter the Old Gentleman</a> <a href="#page3" class="toc_page">3</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_2">The Sporting Tour of Mr. Munchausen</a> <a href="#page13" class="toc_page">13</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_3">Three Months in a Balloon</a> <a href="#page26" class="toc_page">26</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_4">Some Hunting Stories for Children</a> <a href="#page37" class="toc_page">37</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_5">The Story of Jang</a> <a href="#page49" class="toc_page">49</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_6">He Tells the Twins of Fire-Works</a> <a href="#page61" class="toc_page">61</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_7">Saved by a Magic Lantern</a> <a href="#page73" class="toc_page">73</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_8">An Adventure in the Desert</a> <a href="#page85" class="toc_page">85</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_9">Decoration Day in the Cannibal Islands</a> <a href="#page95" class="toc_page">95</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_10">Mr. Munchausen’s Adventure with a Shark</a> <a href="#page105" class="toc_page">105</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_11">The Baron as a Runner</a> <a href="#page116" class="toc_page">116</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_12">Mr. Munchausen Meets His Match</a> <a href="#page129" class="toc_page">129</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_13">Wriggletto</a> <a href="#page143" class="toc_page">143</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_14">The Poetic June-Bug, Together with Some Remarks on the Gillyhooly Bird</a> <a href="#page155" class="toc_page">155</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_15">A Lucky Stroke</a> <a href="#page168" class="toc_page">168</a></li> + </ul> + </div> + <!-- <a class="pagenum" id="pagexii" title="xii"> </a>[Blank Page] --> + <div id="illustrations"><a class="pagenum" id="pagexiii" title="xiii"> </a> + <h2>List of Illustrations</h2> + <ul> + <li><a href="#frontis">Portrait of Mr. Munchausen</a> <span class="toc_page"><em>Frontispiece</em></span></li> + </ul> + <p class="page_column"><em>Facing Page</em></p> + <ul> + <li><a href="#illo01">“There was the whale, drawn by magnetic influence to the side of <em>The Lyre</em>”</a> <a href="#page20" class="toc_page">20</a></li> + <li><a href="#illo02">“As their bullets got to their highest point and began to drop back, I reached out and caught them”</a> <a href="#page34" class="toc_page">34</a></li> + <li><a href="#illo03">“I got nearer and nearer my haven of safety, the bellowing beasts snorting with rage as they followed”</a> <a href="#page46" class="toc_page">46</a></li> + <li><a href="#illo04">“Jang buzzed over and sat on his back, putting his sting where it would do the most good”</a> <a href="#page56" class="toc_page">56</a></li> + <li><a href="#illo05">“Out of what appeared to be a clear sky came the most extraordinary rain storm you ever saw”</a> <a href="#page68" class="toc_page">68</a></li> + <li><a href="#illo06">“‘I am your slave,’ he replied to my greeting, kneeling before me, ‘I yield all to you’”</a> <a href="#page82" class="toc_page">82</a></li> + <li><a href="#illo07">“I reached the giraffe, raised myself to his back, crawled along his neck and dropped fainting into the tree”</a> <a href="#page94" class="toc_page">94</a></li> + <li><a href="#illo08">“They were celebrating Decoration Day, strewing flowers on the graves of departed missionaries”</a> <a href="#page102" class="toc_page">102</a></li> + <li><a href="#illo09">“I laughed in the poor disappointed thing’s face, and with a howl of despair he rushed back into the sea”</a> <a href="#page114" class="toc_page">114</a></li> + <li><a href="#illo10">“This brought my speed down ten minutes to the mile which made it safe for me to run into a haystack”</a> <a href="#page126" class="toc_page">126</a></li> + <li><a class="pagenum" id="pagexiv" title="xiv"> </a><a href="#illo11">“At the first whoop Mr. Bear jumped ten feet and fell over backward on the floor”</a> <a href="#page140" class="toc_page">140</a></li> + <li><a href="#illo12">“He used to wind his tail about a fan and he’d wave it to and fro by the hour”</a> <a href="#page152" class="toc_page">152</a></li> + <li><a href="#illo13">“Most singular of all was the fact that, consciously or unconsciously, the insect had butted out a verse”</a> <a href="#page164" class="toc_page">164</a></li> + <li><a href="#illo14">“Again I swung my red-flagged brassey in front of the angry creature’s face, and what I had hoped for followed”</a> <a href="#page170" class="toc_page">170</a></li> + </ul> + + </div> + <div id="half_title"><a class="pagenum disguise" id="page1" title="1"> </a> + Mr. MUNCHAUSEN<br /> + <span class="half_subtitle">An Account of His<br /> + Recent Adventures</span> + </div> + <!-- <a class="pagenum" id="page2" title="2"> </a>[Blank Page] --> + <div id="internal_title"><a class="pagenum" id="page3" title="3"> </a> + Mr. MUNCHAUSEN + </div> + <div id="chapter_1" class="chapter"> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="One">I</span><br />I ENCOUNTER THE OLD GENTLEMAN</h2> + + <p class="first_paragraph"><span class="first_word">There</span> are moments of supreme embarrassment + in the lives of persons given to veracity,—indeed + it has been my own unusual experience + in life that the truth well stuck to is twice as + hard a proposition as a lie so obvious that no one is + deceived by it at the outset. I cannot quite agree + with my friend, Caddy Barlow, who says that in a + tight place it is better to lie at once and be done + with it than to tell the truth which will need forty + more truths to explain it, but I must confess that in + my forty years of absolute and conscientious devotion + to truth I have found myself in holes far + deeper than any my most mendacious of friends + ever got into. I do not propose, however, to desert + at this late hour the Goddess I have always worshipped + because she leads me over a rough and + rocky road, and whatever may be the hardships + involved in my wooing I intend to the very end to + <a class="pagenum" id="page4" title="4"> </a>remain the ever faithful slave of Mademoiselle + Veracité. All of which I state here in prefatory + mood, and in order, in so far as it is possible for me + to do so, to disarm the incredulous and sniffy reader + who may be inclined to doubt the truth of my story + of how the manuscript of the following pages came + into my possession. I am quite aware that to some + the tale will appear absolutely and intolerably impossible. + I know that if any other than I told it + to me I should not believe it. Yet despite these + drawbacks the story is in all particulars, essential + and otherwise, absolutely truthful.</p> + + <p>The facts are briefly these:</p> + + <p>It was not, to begin with, a dark and dismal + evening. The snow was not falling silently, clothing + a sad and gloomy world in a mantle of white, + and over the darkling moor a heavy mist was not + rising, as is so frequently the case. There was no + soul-stirring moaning of bitter winds through the + leafless boughs; so far as I was aware nothing + soughed within twenty miles of my bailiwick; and + my dog, lying before a blazing log fire in my library, + did not give forth an occasional growl of apprehension, + <a class="pagenum" id="page5" title="5"> </a>denoting the presence or approach of + an uncanny visitor from other and mysterious + realms: and for two good reasons. The first reason + is that it was midsummer when the thing happened, + so that a blazing log fire in my library + would have been an extravagance as well as an + anachronism. The second is that I have no dog. + In fact there was nothing unusual, or uncanny in + the whole experience. It happened to be a bright + and somewhat too sunny July day, which is not an + unusual happening along the banks of the Hudson. + You could see the heat, and if anything had + soughed it could only have been the mercury in my + thermometer. This I must say clicked nervously + against the top of the glass tube and manifested an + extraordinary desire to climb higher than the + length of the tube permitted. Incidentally I may + add, even if it be not believed, that the heat was so + intense that the mercury actually did raise the + whole thermometer a foot and a half above the + mantel-shelf, and for two mortal hours, from midday + until two by the Monastery Clock, held it suspended + there in mid-air with no visible means of + <a class="pagenum" id="page6" title="6"> </a>support. Not a breath of air was stirring, and + the only sounds heard were the expanding creaks of + the beams of my house, which upon that particular + day increased eight feet in width and assumed a + height which made it appear to be a three instead + of a two story dwelling. There was little work + doing in the house. The children played about in + their bathing suits, and the only other active + factor in my life of the moment was our hired man + who was kept busy in the cellar pouring water on + the furnace coal to keep it from spontaneously + combusting.</p> + + <p>We had just had luncheon, burning our throats + with the iced tea and with considerable discomfort + swallowing the simmering cold roast filet, which + we had to eat hastily before the heat of the day + transformed it into smoked beef. My youngest boy + Willie perspired so copiously that we seriously + thought of sending for a plumber to solder up his + pores, and as for myself who have spent three summers + of my life in the desert of Sahara in order to + rid myself of nervous chills to which I was once + unhappily subject, for the first time in my life I was + <a class="pagenum" id="page7" title="7"> </a>impelled to admit that it was intolerably warm. + And then the telephone bell rang.</p> + + <p>“Great Scott!” I cried, “Who in thunder do + you suppose wants to play golf on a day like this?”—for + nowadays our telephone is used for no other + purpose than the making or the breaking of golf + engagements.</p> + + <p>“Me,” cried my eldest son, whose grammar is + not as yet on a par with his activity. “I’ll go.”</p> + + <p>The boy shot out of the dining room and ran to + the telephone, returning in a few moments with the + statement that a gentleman with a husky voice + whose name was none of his business wished to + speak with me on a matter of some importance to + myself.</p> + + <p>I was loath to go. My friends the book agents + had recently acquired the habit of approaching + me over the telephone, and I feared that here was + another nefarious attempt to foist a thirty-eight + volume tabloid edition of <cite>The World’s Worst Literature</cite> + upon me. Nevertheless I wisely determined + to respond.</p> + + <p>“Hello,” I said, placing my lips against the rubber + <a class="pagenum" id="page8" title="8"> </a>cup. “Hello there, who wants 91162 Nepperhan?”</p> + + <p>“Is that you?” came the answering question, + and, as my boy had indicated, in a voice whose chief + quality was huskiness.</p> + + <p>“I guess so,” I replied facetiously;—“It was this + morning, but the heat has affected me somewhat, + and I don’t feel as much like myself as I might. + What can I do for you?”</p> + + <p>“Nothing, but you can do a lot for yourself,” was + the astonishing answer. “Pretty hot for literary + work, isn’t it?” the voice added sympathetically.</p> + + <p>“Very,” said I. “Fact is I can’t seem to do + anything these days but perspire.”</p> + + <p>“That’s what I thought; and when you can’t + work ruin stares you in the face, eh? Now I have + a manuscript—”</p> + + <p>“Oh Lord!” I cried. “Don’t. There are millions + in the same fix. Even my cook writes.”</p> + + <p>“Don’t know about that,” he returned instantly. + “But I do know that there’s millions in my manuscript. + And you can have it for the asking. How’s + that for an offer?”</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page9" title="9"> </a>“Very kind, thank you,” said I. “What’s the + nature of your story?”</p> + + <p>“It’s extremely good-natured,” he answered + promptly.</p> + + <p>I laughed. The twist amused me.</p> + + <p>“That isn’t what I meant exactly,” said I, + “though it has some bearing on the situation. Is + it a Henry James dandy, or does it bear the mark + of Caine? Is it realism or fiction?”</p> + + <p>“Realism,” said he. “Fiction isn’t in my line.”</p> + + <p>“Well, I’ll tell you,” I replied; “you send it to + me by post and I’ll look it over. If I can use it I + will.”</p> + + <p>“Can’t do it,” said he. “There isn’t any post-office + where I am.”</p> + + <p>“What?” I cried. “No post-office? Where in + Hades are you?”</p> + + <p>“Gehenna,” he answered briefly. “The transportation + between your country and mine is all one + way,” he added. “If it wasn’t the population + here would diminish.”</p> + + <p>“Then how the deuce am I to get hold of your + stuff?” I demanded.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page10" title="10"> </a>“That’s easy. Send your stenographer to the + ’phone and I’ll dictate it,” he answered.</p> + + <p>The novelty of the situation appealed to me. + Even if my new found acquaintance were some + funny person nearer at hand than Gehenna trying + to play a practical joke upon me, still it might be + worth while to get hold of the story he had to tell. + Hence I agreed to his proposal.</p> + + <p>“All right, sir,” said I. “I’ll do it. I’ll have him + here to-morrow morning at nine o’clock sharp. + What’s your number? I’ll ring you up.”</p> + + <p>“Never mind that,” he replied. “I’m merely a + tapster on your wires. I’ll ring <em>you</em> up as soon as + I’ve had breakfast and then we can get to work.”</p> + + <p>“Very good,” said I. “And may I ask your + name?”</p> + + <p>“Certainly,” he answered. “I’m Munchausen.”</p> + + <p>“What? The Baron?” I roared, delighted.</p> + + <p>“Well—I used to be Baron,” he returned with a + tinge of sadness in his voice, “but here in Gehenna + we are all on an equal footing. I’m plain Mr. Munchausen + of Hades now. But that’s a detail. Don’t + forget. Nine o’clock. Good-bye.”</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page11" title="11"> </a>“Wait a moment, Baron,” I cried. “How about + the royalties on this book?”</p> + + <p>“Keep ’em for yourself,” he replied. “We have + money to burn over here. You are welcome to all + the earthly rights of the book. I’m satisfied with + the returns on the Asbestos Edition, already in its + 468th thousand. Good-bye.”</p> + + <p>There was a rattle as of the hanging up of the + receiver, a short sharp click and a ring, and I + realised that he had gone.</p> + + <p>The next morning in response to a telegraphic + summons my stenographer arrived and when I explained + the situation to him he was incredulous, + but orders were orders and he remained. I could + see, however, that as nine o’clock approached he + grew visibly nervous, which indicated that he half + believed me anyhow, and when at nine to the second + the sharp ring of the ’phone fell upon our ears he + jumped as if he had been shot.</p> + + <p>“Hello,” said I again. “That you, Baron?”</p> + + <p>“The same,” the voice replied. “Stenographer + ready?”</p> + + <p>“Yes,” said I.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page12" title="12"> </a>The stenographer walked to the desk, placed the + receiver at his ear, and with trembling voice announced + his presence. There was a response of some + kind, and then more calmly he remarked, + “Fire ahead, Mr. Munchausen,” and began to + write rapidly in short-hand.</p> + + <p>Two days later he handed me a type-written copy + of the following stories. The reader will observe + that they are in the form of interviews, and it + should be stated here that they appeared originally + in the columns of the Sunday edition of the <cite>Gehenna + Gazette</cite>, a publication of Hades which circulates + wholly among the best people of that country, and + which, if report saith truly, would not print a line + which could not be placed in the hands of children, + and to whose columns such writers as Chaucer, + Shakespeare, Ben Jonson, Jonah and Ananias are + frequent contributors.</p> + + <p>Indeed, on the statement of Mr. Munchausen, all + the interviews herein set forth were between himself + as the principal and the Hon. Henry B. + Ananias as reporter, or were scrupulously edited + by the latter before being published.</p> + </div> + <div id="chapter_2" class="chapter"><a class="pagenum" id="page13" title="13"> </a> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="two">II</span><br />THE SPORTING TOUR OF MR. MUNCHAUSEN</h2> + + <p class="first_paragraph">“<span class="first_word">Good</span> morning, Mr. Munchausen,” said the + interviewer of the <cite>Gehenna Gazette</cite> entering + the apartment of the famous traveller at the + Hotel Deville, where the late Baron had just arrived + from his sporting tour in the Blue Hills of + Cimmeria and elsewhere.</p> + + <p>“The interests of truth, my dear Ananias,” + replied the Baron, grasping me cordially by the + hand, “require that I should state it as my opinion + that it is not a good morning. In fact, my good + friend, it is a very bad morning. Can you not see + that it is raining cats and dogs without?”</p> + + <p>“Sir,” said I with a bow, “I accept the spirit of + your correction but not the letter. It is raining + indeed, sir, as you suggest, but having passed + through it myself on my way hither I can personally + testify that it is raining rain, and not a single + cat or canine has, to my knowledge, as yet fallen + from the clouds to the parched earth, although I am + <a class="pagenum" id="page14" title="14"> </a>informed that down upon the coast an elephant + and three cows have fallen upon one of the summer + hotels and irreparably damaged the roof.”</p> + + <p>Mr. Munchausen laughed.</p> + + <p>“It is curious, Ananias,” said he, “what sticklers + for the truth you and I have become.”</p> + + <p>“It is indeed, Munchausen,” I returned. “The + effects of this climate are working wonders upon + us. And it is just as well. You and I are outclassed + by these twentieth century prevaricators + concerning whom late arrivals from the upper + world tell such strange things. They tell me that + lying has become a business and is no longer ranked + among the Arts or Professions.”</p> + + <p>“Ah me!” sighed the Baron with a retrospective + look in his eye, “lying isn’t what it used to be, + Ananias, in your days and mine. I fear it has become + one of the lost arts.”</p> + + <p>“I have noticed it myself, my friend, and only last + night I observed the same thing to my well beloved + Sapphira, who was lamenting the transparency + of the modern lie, and said that lying to-day is no + better than the truth. In our day a prevarication + <a class="pagenum" id="page15" title="15"> </a>had all of the opaque beauty of an opalescent bit of + glass, whereas to-day in the majority of cases it is + like a great vulgar plate-glass window, through + which we can plainly see the ugly truths that lie behind. + But, sir, I am here to secure from you not + a treatise upon the lost art of lying, but some idea + of the results of your sporting tour. You fished, + and hunted, and golfed, and doubtless did other + things. You, of course, had luck and made the + greatest catch of the season; shot all the game in + sight, and won every silver, gold and pewter golf + mug in all creation?”</p> + + <p>“You speak truly, Ananias,” returned Mr. Munchausen. + “My luck <em>was</em> wonderful—even for one + who has been so singularly fortunate as I. I took + three tons of speckled beauties with one cast of an + ordinary horse whip in the Blue Hills, and with + nothing but a silken line and a minnow hook landed + upon the deck of my steam yacht a whale of most + tremendous proportions; I shot game of every kind + in great abundance and in my golf there was none + to whom I could not give with ease seven holes in + every nine and beat him out.”</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page16" title="16"> </a>“Seven?” said I, failing to see how the ex-Baron + could be right.</p> + + <p>“Seven,” said he complacently. “Seven on the + first, and seven on the second nine; fourteen in all + of the eighteen holes.”</p> + + <p>“But,” I cried, “I do not see how that could be. + With fourteen holes out of the eighteen given to + your opponent even if you won all the rest you still + would be ten down.”</p> + + <p>“True, by ordinary methods of calculation,” returned + the Baron, “but I got them back on a technicality, + which I claim is a new and valuable discovery + in the game. You see it is impossible to + play more than one hole at a time, and I invariably + proved to the Greens Committee that in taking + fourteen holes at once my opponent violated the + physical possibilities of the situation. In every case + the point was accepted as well taken, for if we + allow golfers to rise above physical possibilities the + game is gone. The integrity of the Card is the + soul of Golf,” he added sententiously.</p> + + <p>“Tell me of the whale,” said I, simply. “You + landed a whale of large proportions on the deck + <a class="pagenum" id="page17" title="17"> </a>of your yacht with a simple silken line and a + minnow hook.”</p> + + <p>“Well it’s a tough story,” the Baron replied, + handing me a cigar. “But it is true, Ananias, true + to the last word. I was fishing for eels. Sitting on + the deck of <em>The Lyre</em> one very warm afternoon in + the early stages of my trip, I baited a minnow hook + and dropped it overboard. It was the roughest + day at sea I had ever encountered. The waves were + mountain high, and it is the sad fact that one of our + crew seated in the main-top was drowned with the + spray of the dashing billows. Fortunately for myself, + directly behind my deck chair, to which I was + securely lashed, was a powerful electric fan which + blew the spray away from me, else I too might have + suffered the same horrid fate. Suddenly there + came a tug on my line. I was half asleep at the + time and let the line pay out involuntarily, but I + was wide-awake enough to know that something + larger than an eel had taken hold of the hook. I + had hooked either a Leviathan or a derelict. Caution + and patience, the chief attributes of a good + angler were required. I hauled the line in until it + <a class="pagenum" id="page18" title="18"> </a>was taut. There were a thousand yards of it out, + and when it reached the point of tensity, I gave + orders to the engineers to steam closer to the object + at the other end. We steamed in five hundred + yards, I meanwhile hauling in my line. Then came + another tug and I let out ten yards. ‘Steam + closer,’ said I. ‘Three hundred yards sou-sou-west + by nor’-east.’ The yacht obeyed on the instant. + I called the Captain and let him feel the + line. ‘What do you think it is?’ said I. He pulled + a half dozen times. ‘Feels like a snag,’ he said, + ‘but seein’ as there ain’t no snags out here, I think + it must be a fish.’ ‘What kind?’ I asked. I could + not but agree that he was better acquainted with + the sea and its denizens than I. ‘Well,’ he replied, + ‘it is either a sea serpent or a whale.’ At the mere + mention of the word whale I was alert. I have always + wanted to kill a whale. ‘Captain,’ said I, + ‘can’t you tie an anchor onto a hawser, and bait + the flukes with a boa constrictor and make sure of + him?’ He looked at me contemptuously. ‘Whales + eats fish,’ said he, ‘and they don’t bite at no + anchors. Whales has brains, whales has.’ ‘What + <a class="pagenum" id="page19" title="19"> </a>shall we do?’ I asked. ‘Steam closer,’ said the + Captain, and we did so.”</p> + + <p>Munchausen took a long breath and for the moment + was silent.</p> + + <p>“Well?” said I.</p> + + <p>“Well, Ananias,” said he. “We resolved to + wait. As the Captain said to me, ‘Fishin’ is + waitin’.’ So we waited. ‘Coax him along,’ said + the Captain. ‘How can we do it?’ I asked. ‘By + kindness,’ said he. ‘Treat him gently, persuasive-like + and he’ll come.’ We waited four days and + nobody moved and I grew weary of coaxing. ‘We’ve + got to do something,’ said I to the Captain. ‘Yes,’ + said he, ‘Let’s <em>make</em> him move. He doesn’t seem to + respond to kindness.’ ‘But how?’ I cried. ‘Give + him an electric shock,’ said the Captain. ‘Telegraph + him his mother’s sick and may be it’ll move him.’ + ‘Can’t you get closer to him?’ I demanded, resenting + his facetious manner. ‘I can, but it will + scare him off,’ replied the Captain. So we turned + all our batteries on the sea. The dynamo shot + forth its bolts and along about four o’clock in the + afternoon there was the whale drawn by magnetic + <a class="pagenum" id="page20" title="20"> </a>influence to the side of <em>The Lyre</em>. He was a beauty, + Ananias,” Munchausen added with enthusiasm. + “You never saw such a whale. His back was + as broad as the deck of an ocean steamer and in his + length he exceeded the dimensions of <em>The Lyre</em> by + sixty feet.”</p> + + <div id="illo01" class="illo"> + <a href="images/illo01.jpg"><img src="images/illo01-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="414" alt="A ghostly Baron standing at a boat rail tips his hat to a whale" /></a> + <p class="caption">“There was the whale drawn by magnetic + influence to the side of <em>The Lyre</em>.” <span class="illo_ch">Chapter II.</span></p> + </div> + + + <p>“And still you got him on deck?” I asked,—I, + Ananias, who can stand something in the way of an + exaggeration.</p> + + <p>“Yes,” said Munchausen, lighting his cigar, + which had gone out. “Another storm came up and + we rolled and rolled and rolled, until I thought <em>The + Lyre</em> was going to capsize.”</p> + + <p>“But weren’t you sea-sick?” I asked.</p> + + <p>“Didn’t have a chance to be,” said Munchausen. + “I was thinking of the whale all the time. Finally + there came a roll in which we went completely under, + and with a slight pulling on the line the + whale was landed by the force of the wave and laid + squarely upon the deck.”</p> + + <p>“Great Sapphira!” said I. “But you just said + he was wider and longer than the yacht!”</p> + + <p>“He was,” sighed Munchausen. “He landed on <!-- Original Location of Illo 1--> + <a class="pagenum" id="page21" title="21"> </a>the deck and by sheer force of his weight the yacht + went down under him. I swam ashore and the + whole crew with me. The next day Mr. Whale + floated in strangled. He’d swallowed the thousand + yards of line and it got so tangled in his tonsils + that it choked him to death. Come around next + week and I’ll give you a couple of pounds of whalebone + for Mrs. Ananias, and all the oil you can + carry.”</p> + + <p>I thanked the old gentleman for his kind offer + and promised to avail myself of it, although as a + newspaper man it is against my principles to accept + gifts from public men.</p> + + <p>“It was great luck, Baron,” said I. “Or at least + it would have been if you hadn’t lost your yacht.”</p> + + <p>“That was great luck too,” he observed nonchalantly. + “It cost me ten thousand dollars a month + keeping that yacht in commission. Now she’s gone + I save all that. Why it’s like finding money in the + street, Ananias. She wasn’t worth more than fifty + thousand dollars, and in six months I’ll be ten + thousand ahead.”</p> + + <p>I could not but admire the cheerful philosophy + <a class="pagenum" id="page22" title="22"> </a>of the man, but then I was not surprised. Munchausen + was never the sort of man to let little + things worry him.</p> + + <p>“But that whale business wasn’t a circumstance + to my catch of three tons of trout with a single cast + of a horse-whip in the Blue Hills,” said the Baron + after a few moments of meditation, during which I + could see that he was carefully marshalling his + facts.</p> + + <p>“I never heard of its equal,” said I. “You must + have used a derrick.”</p> + + <p>“No,” he replied suavely. “Nothing of the sort. + It was the simplest thing in the world. It was + along about five o’clock in the afternoon when with + my three guides and my valet I drove up the winding + roadway of Great Sulphur Mountain on my + way to the Blue Mountain House where I purposed + to put up for a few days. I had one of those big + mountain wagons with a covered top to it such as + the pioneers used on the American plains, with six + fine horses to the fore. I held the reins myself, + since we were in the midst of a terrific thunderstorm + and I felt safer when I did my own driving. + <a class="pagenum" id="page23" title="23"> </a>All the flaps of the leathern cover were let down + at the sides and at the back, and were securely + fastened. The roads were unusually heavy, and + when we came to the last great hill before the lake + all but I were walking, as a measure of relief to the + horses. Suddenly one of the horses balked right in + the middle of the ascent, and in a moment of impatience + I gave him a stinging flick with my whip, + when like a whirlwind the whole six swerved to + one side and started on a dead run upward. The + jolt and the unexpected swerving of the wagon + threw me from my seat and I landed clear of the + wheels in the soft mud of the roadway, fortunately + without injury. When I arose the team was out of + sight and we had to walk the remainder of the distance + to the hotel. Imagine our surprise upon arriving + there to find the six panting steeds and the + wagon standing before the main entrance to the + hotel dripping as though they had been through + the Falls of Niagara, and, would you believe it, + Ananias, inside that leather cover of the wagon, + packed as tightly as sardines, were no less than + three thousand trout, not one of them weighing + <a class="pagenum" id="page24" title="24"> </a>less than a pound and some of them getting as high + as four. The whole catch weighed a trifle over six + thousand pounds.”</p> + + <p>“Great Heavens, Baron,” I cried. “Where the + dickens did they come from?”</p> + + <p>“That’s what I asked myself,” said the Baron + easily. “It seemed astounding at first glance, but + investigation showed it after all to be a very simple + proposition. The runaways after reaching the top + of the hill turned to the left, and clattered on down + toward the bridge over the inlet to the lake. The + bridge broke beneath their weight and the horses + soon found themselves struggling in the water. The + harness was strong and the wagon never left them. + They had to swim for it, and I am told by a small + boy who was fishing on the lake at the time that + they swam directly across it, pulling the wagon + after them. Naturally with its open front and + confined back and sides the wagon acted as a sort + of drag-net and when the opposite shore was + gained, and the wagon was pulled ashore, it was + found to have gathered in all the fish that could + not get out of the way.”</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page25" title="25"> </a>The Baron resumed his cigar, and I sat still eyeing + the ample pattern of the drawing-room carpet.</p> + + <p>“Pretty good catch for an afternoon, eh?” he + said in a minute.</p> + + <p>“Yes,” said I. “Almost too good, Baron. Those + horses must have swam like the dickens to get over + so quickly. You would think the trout would have + had time to escape.”</p> + + <p>“Oh I presume one or two of them did,” said + Munchausen. “But the majority of them couldn’t. + The horses were all fast, record-breakers anyhow. + I never hire a horse that isn’t.”</p> + + <p>And with that I left the old gentleman and + walked blushing back to the office. I don’t doubt + for an instant the truth of the Baron’s story, but + somehow or other I feel that in writing it my reputation + is in some measure at stake.</p> + </div> + <div class="editor_note"><a class="pagenum" id="page26" title="26"> </a> + <p><span class="nb">Note</span>—Mr. Munchausen, upon request of the Editor of the <cite>Gehenna + Gazette</cite> to write a few stories of adventure for his Imp’s page, conducted + by Sapphira, contributed the tales which form the substance of several of + the following chapters.</p> + </div> + <div id="chapter_3" class="chapter"> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="three">III</span><br />THREE MONTHS IN A BALLOON</h2> + + <p class="first_paragraph"><span class="first_word">Mr. Munchausen</span> was not handsome, but + the Imps liked him very much, he was so + full of wonderful reminiscences, and was always + willing to tell anybody that would listen, all about + himself. To the Heavenly Twins he was the greatest + hero that had ever lived. Napoleon Bonaparte, + on Mr. Munchausen’s own authority, was not half + the warrior that he, the late Baron had been, nor + was Cæsar in his palmiest days, one-quarter so wise + or so brave. How old the Baron was no one ever + knew, but he had certainly lived long enough to + travel the world over, and stare every kind of death + squarely in the face without flinching. He had + fought Zulus, Indians, tigers, elephants—in fact, + everything that fights, the Baron had encountered, + and in every contest he had come out victorious. + He was the only man the children had ever seen that + had lost three legs in battle and then had recovered + <a class="pagenum" id="page27" title="27"> </a>them after the fight was over; he was the only + visitor to their house that had been lost in the African + jungle and wandered about for three months + without food or shelter, and best of all he was, on + his own confession, the most truthful narrator of + extraordinary tales living. The youngsters had to + ask the Baron a question only, any one, it mattered + not what it was—to start him off on a story of + adventure, and as he called upon the Twins’ father + once a month regularly, the children were not long + in getting together a collection of tales beside + which the most exciting episodes in history paled + into insignificant commonplaces.</p> + + <p>“Uncle Munch,” said the Twins one day, as they + climbed up into the visitor’s lap and disarranged + his necktie, “was you ever up in a balloon?”</p> + + <p>“Only once,” said the Baron calmly. “But I + had enough of it that time to last me for a lifetime.”</p> + + <p>“Was you in it for long?” queried the Twins, + taking the Baron’s watch out of his pocket and + flinging it at Cerberus, who was barking outside of + the window.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page28" title="28"> </a>“Well, it seemed long enough,” the Baron answered, + putting his pocket-book in the inside pocket + of his vest where the Twins could not reach it. + “Three months off in the country sleeping all + day long and playing tricks all night seems a very + short time, but three months in a balloon and the + constant centre of attack from every source is too + long for comfort.”</p> + + <p>“Were you up in the air for three whole + months?” asked the Twins, their eyes wide open + with astonishment.</p> + + <p>“All but two days,” said the Baron. “For two + of those days we rested in the top of a tree in + India. The way of it was this: I was always, as + you know, a great favourite with the Emperor + Napoleon, of France, and when he found himself + involved in a war with all Europe, he replied to + one of his courtiers who warned him that his army + was not in condition: ‘Any army is prepared for + war whose commander-in-chief numbers Baron + Munchausen among his advisers. Let me have + Munchausen at my right hand and I will fight the + world.’ So they sent for me and as I was not very + <a class="pagenum" id="page29" title="29"> </a>busy I concluded to go and assist the French, although + the allies and I were also very good friends. + I reasoned it out this way: In this fight the allies + are the stronger. They do not need me. Napoleon + does. Fight for the weak, Munchausen, I said to + myself, and so I went. Of course, when I reached + Paris I went at once to the Emperor’s palace and + remained at his side until he took the field, after + which I remained behind for a few days to put + things to rights for the Imperial family. Unfortunately + for the French, the King of Prussia heard of + my delay in going to the front, and he sent word to + his forces to intercept me on my way to join Napoleon + at all hazards, and this they tried to do. When + I was within ten miles of the Emperor’s headquarters, + I was stopped by the Prussians, and had + it not been that I had provided myself with a balloon + for just such an emergency, I should have been + captured and confined in the King’s palace at Berlin, + until the war was over.</p> + + <p>“Foreseeing all this, I had brought with me a + large balloon packed away in a secret section of my + trunk, and while my body-guard was fighting with + <a class="pagenum" id="page30" title="30"> </a>the Prussian troops sent to capture me, I and my + valet inflated the balloon, jumped into the car and + were soon high up out of the enemy’s reach. They + fired several shots at us, and one of them would + have pierced the balloon had I not, by a rare good + shot, fired my own rifle at the bullet, and hitting it + squarely in the middle, as is my custom, diverted it + from its course, and so saved our lives.</p> + + <p>“It had been my intention to sail directly over + the heads of the attacking party and drop down into + Napoleon’s camp the next morning, but unfortunately + for my calculations, a heavy wind came up in + the night and the balloon was caught by a northerly + blast, and blown into Africa, where, poised in the + air directly over the desert of Sahara, we encountered + a dead calm, which kept us stalled up for two + miserable weeks.”</p> + + <p>“Why didn’t you come down?” asked the Twins, + “wasn’t the elevator running?”</p> + + <p>“We didn’t dare,” explained the Baron, ignoring + the latter part of the question. “If we had we’d + have wasted a great deal of our gas, and our condition + would have been worse than ever. As I told + <a class="pagenum" id="page31" title="31"> </a>you we were directly over the centre of the desert. + There was no way of getting out of it except by long + and wearisome marches over the hot, burning sands + with the chances largely in favour of our never getting + out alive. The only thing to do was to stay + just where we were and wait for a favouring + breeze. This we did, having to wait four mortal + weeks before the air was stirred.”</p> + + <p>“You said two weeks a minute ago, Uncle + Munch,” said the Twins critically.</p> + + <p>“Two? Hem! Well, yes it was two, now that I + think of it. It’s a natural mistake,” said the Baron + stroking his mustache a little nervously. “You + see two weeks in a balloon over a vast desert of + sand, with nothing to do but whistle for a breeze, is + equal to four weeks anywhere else. That is, it seems + so. Anyhow, two weeks or four, whichever it was, + the breeze came finally, and along about midnight + left us stranded again directly over an Arab encampment + near Wady Halfa. It was a more perilous + position really, than the first, because the moment + the Arabs caught sight of us they began to + make frantic efforts to get us down. At first we + <a class="pagenum" id="page32" title="32"> </a>simply laughed them to scorn and made faces at + them, because as far as we could see, we were safely + out of reach. This enraged them and they apparently + made up their minds to kill us if they could. + At first their idea was to get us down alive and sell + us as slaves, but our jeers changed all that, and + what should they do but whip out a lot of guns and + begin to pepper us.</p> + + <p>“‘I’ll settle them in a minute,’ I said to myself, + and set about loading my own gun. Would you + believe it, I found that my last bullet was the one + with which I had saved the balloon from the Prussian + shot?”</p> + + <p>“Mercy, how careless of you, Uncle Munch!” + said one of the Twins. “What did you do?”</p> + + <p>“I threw out a bag of sand ballast so that the + balloon would rise just out of range of their guns, + and then, as their bullets got to their highest point + and began to drop back, I reached out and caught + them in a dipper. Rather neat idea, eh? With + these I loaded my own rifle and shot every one + of the hostile party with their own ammunition, + and when the last of the attacking Arabs dropped + <a class="pagenum" id="page33" title="33"> </a>I found there were enough bullets left to fill the + empty sand bag again, so that the lost ballast + was not missed. In fact, there were enough of + them in weight to bring the balloon down so + near to the earth that our anchor rope dangled + directly over the encampment, so that my valet and + I, without wasting any of our gas, could climb + down and secure all the magnificent treasures in + rugs and silks and rare jewels these robbers of the + desert had managed to get together in the course of + their depredations. When these were placed in the + car another breeze came up, and for the rest of the + time we drifted idly about in the heavens waiting + for a convenient place to land. In this manner we + were blown hither and yon for three months over + land and sea, and finally we were wrecked upon a + tall tree in India, whence we escaped by means of a + convenient elephant that happened to come our + way, upon which we rode triumphantly into Calcutta. + The treasures we had secured from the + Arabs, unfortunately, we had to leave behind us in + the tree, where I suppose they still are. I hope + some day to go back and find them.”</p> + + <div id="illo02" class="illo"> + <a href="images/illo02.jpg"><img src="images/illo02-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="413" alt="Baron reaches out of a balloon car with a soup ladle to catch bullets" /></a> + <p class="caption">“As their bullets got to their highest point + and began to drop back, I reached out and + caught them.” <span class="illo_ch">Chapter III.</span></p> + </div> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page34" title="34"> </a>Here Mr. Munchausen paused for a moment to + catch his breath. Then he added with a sigh. “Of + course, I went back to France immediately, but by + the time I reached Paris the war was over, and the + Emperor was in exile. I was too late to save him—though + I think if he had lived some sixty or seventy + years longer I should have managed to restore his + throne, and Imperial splendour to him.”</p> + + <p>The Twins gazed into the fire in silence for a + minute or two. Then one of them asked:</p> + + <p>“But what did you live on all that time, Uncle + Munch?”</p> + + <p>“Eggs,” said the Baron. “Eggs and occasionally + fish. My servant had had the foresight when + getting the balloon ready to include, among the + things put into the car, a small coop in which were + six pet chickens I owned, and without which I + never went anywhere. These laid enough eggs + every day to keep us alive. The fish we caught + when our balloon stood over the sea, baiting our + anchor with pieces of rubber gas pipe used to inflate + the balloon, and which looked very much like + worms.”</p> + + <!-- Original location of illo02 --> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page35" title="35"> </a>“But the chickens?” said the Twins. “What + did they live on?”</p> + + <p>The Baron blushed.</p> + + <p>“I am sorry you asked that question,” he said, + his voice trembling somewhat. “But I’ll answer it + if you promise never to tell anyone. It was the + only time in my life that I ever practised an intentional + deception upon any living thing, and I + have always regretted it, although our very lives + depended upon it.”</p> + + <p>“What was it, Uncle Munch?” asked the Twins, + awed to think that the old warrior had ever deceived + anyone.</p> + + <p>“I took the egg shells and ground them into + powder, and fed them to the chickens. The poor + creatures supposed it was corn-meal they were getting,” + confessed the Baron. “I know it was mean, + but what could I do?”</p> + + <p>“Nothing,” said the Twins softly. “And we + don’t think it was so bad of you after all. Many + another person would have kept them laying eggs + until they starved, and then he’d have killed them + and eaten them up. You let them live.”</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page36" title="36"> </a>“That may be so,” said the Baron, with a smile + that showed how relieved his conscience was by the + Twins’ suggestion. “But I couldn’t do that you + know, because they were pets. I had been brought + up from childhood with those chickens.”</p> + + <p>Then the Twins, jamming the Baron’s hat down + over his eyes, climbed down from his lap and went + to their play, strongly of the opinion that, though a + bold warrior, the Baron was a singularly kind, + soft-hearted man after all.</p> + </div> + <div id="chapter_4" class="chapter"><a class="pagenum" id="page37" title="37"> </a> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="four">IV</span><br />SOME HUNTING STORIES FOR CHILDREN</h2> + + <p class="first_paragraph"><span class="first_word">The</span> Heavenly Twins had been off in the mountains + during their summer holiday, and in consequence + had seen very little of their good old + friend, Mr. Munchausen. He had written them + once or twice, and they had found his letters most + interesting, especially that one in which he told + how he had killed a moose up in Maine with his + Waterbury watch spring, and I do not wonder that + they marvelled at that, for it was one of the most extraordinary + happenings in the annals of the chase. + It seems, if his story is to be believed, and I am sure + that none of us who know him has ever had any + reason to think that he would deceive intentionally; + it seems, I say, that he had gone to Maine for a + week’s sport with an old army acquaintance of his, + who had now become a guide in that region. Unfortunately + his rifle, of which he was very fond, and + with which his aim was unerring, was in some manner + mislaid on the way, and when they arrived in the + woods they were utterly without weapons; but Mr. + <a class="pagenum" id="page38" title="38"> </a>Munchausen was not the man to be daunted by any + such trifle as that, particularly while his friend had + an old army musket, a relic of the war, stored away + in the attic of his woodland domicile.</p> + + <p>“Th’ only trouble with that ar musket,” said the + old guide, “ain’t so much that she won’t shoot + straight, nor that she’s got a kick onto her like an + unbroke mule. What I’m most afeard ’on about + your shootin’ with her ain’t that I think she’ll bust + neither, for the fact is we ain’t got nothin’ for to + bust her with, seein’ as how ammynition is skeerce. + I got powder, an’ I got waddin’, but I ain’t got no + shot.”</p> + + <p>“That doesn’t make any difference,” the Baron + replied. “We can make the shot. Have you got + any plumbing in the camp? If you have, rip it out, + and I’ll melt up a water-pipe into bullets.”</p> + + <p>“No, sir,” retorted the old man. “Plumbin’ is + one of the things I came here to escape from.”</p> + + <p>“Then,” said the Baron, “I’ll use my watch for + ammunition. It is only a three-dollar watch and I + can spare it.”</p> + + <p>With this determination, Mr. Munchausen took + <a class="pagenum" id="page39" title="39"> </a>his watch to pieces, an ordinary time-piece of the + old-fashioned kind, and, to make a long story short, + shot for several days with the component parts of + that useful affair rammed down into the barrel of + the old musket. With the stem-winding ball he + killed an eagle; with pieces of the back cover + chopped up to a fineness of medium-sized shot he + brought down several other birds, but the great feat + of all was when he started for moose with nothing + but the watch-spring in the barrel of the gun. Having + rolled it up as tight as he could, fastened it with + a piece of twine, and rammed it well into the gun, he + set out to find the noble animal upon whose life he + had designs. After stalking the woods for several + hours, he came upon the tracks which told him that + his prey was not far off, and in a short while he + caught sight of a magnificent creature, his huge + antlers held proudly up and his great eyes full of + defiance.</p> + + <p>For a moment the Baron hesitated. The idea of + destroying so beautiful an animal seemed to be abhorrent + to his nature, which, warrior-like as he is, + has something of the tenderness of a woman about + <a class="pagenum" id="page40" title="40"> </a>it. A second glance at the superb creature, however, + changed all that, for the Baron then saw that + to shoot to kill was necessary, for the beast was + about to force a fight in which the hunter himself + would be put upon the defensive.</p> + + <p>“I won’t shoot you through the head, my + beauty,” he said, softly, “nor will I puncture your + beautiful coat with this load of mine, but I’ll kill + you in a new way.”</p> + + <p>With this he pulled the trigger. The powder exploded, + the string binding the long black spring + into a coil broke, and immediately the strip of steel + shot forth into the air, made directly toward the + neck of the rushing moose, and coiling its whole + sinuous length tightly about the doomed creature’s + throat strangled him to death.</p> + + <p>As the Twins’ father said, a feat of that kind entitled + the Baron to a high place in fiction at least, + if not in history itself. The Twins were very much + wrought up over the incident, particularly, when + one too-smart small imp who was spending the + summer at the same hotel where they were said + that he didn’t believe it,—but he was an imp who + <a class="pagenum" id="page41" title="41"> </a>had never seen a cheap watch, so how should he + know anything about what could be done with a + spring that cannot be wound up by a great strong + man in less than ten minutes?</p> + + <p>As for the Baron he was very modest about the + achievement, for when he first appeared at the + Twins’ home after their return he had actually forgotten + all about it, and, in fact, could not recall + the incident at all, until Diavolo brought him his + own letter, when, of course, the whole matter came + back to him.</p> + + <p>“It wasn’t so very wonderful, anyhow,” said the + Baron. “I should not think, for instance, of bragging + about any such thing as that. It was a simple + affair all through.”</p> + + <p>“And what did you do with the moose’s antlers?” + asked Angelica. “I hope you brought ’em + home with you, because I’d like to see ’em.”</p> + + <p>“I wanted to,” said the Baron, stroking the + Twins’ soft brown locks affectionately. “I wanted + to bring them home for your father to use as a + hat rack, dear, but they were too large. When I + had removed them from the dead animal, I found + <a class="pagenum" id="page42" title="42"> </a>them so large that I could not get them out of the + forest, they got so tangled up in the trees. I should + have had to clear a path twenty feet wide and seven + miles long to get them even as far as my friend’s + hut, and after that they would have had to be + carried thirty miles through the woods to the express + office.”</p> + + <p>“I guess it’s just as well after all,” said Diavolo. + “If they were as big as all that, Papa would have + had to build a new house to get ’em into.”</p> + + <p>“Exactly,” said the Baron. “Exactly. That + same idea occurred to me, and for that reason I concluded + not to go to the trouble of cutting away + those miles of trees. The antlers would have made + a very expensive present for your father to receive + in these hard times.”</p> + + <p>“It was a good thing you had that watch,” the + Twins observed, after thinking over the Baron’s + adventure. “If you hadn’t had that you couldn’t + have killed the moose.”</p> + + <p>“Very likely not,” said the Baron, “unless I + had been able to do as I did in India thirty years + ago at a man hunt.”</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page43" title="43"> </a>“What?” cried the Twins. “Do they hunt men + in India?”?</p> + + <p>“That all depends, my dears,” replied the Baron. + “It all depends upon what you mean by the word + they. Men don’t hunt men, but animals, great wild + beasts sometimes hunt them, and it doesn’t often + happen that the men escape. In the particular + man hunt I refer to I was the creature that was being + hunted, and I’ve had a good deal of sympathy + for foxes ever since. This was a regular fox hunt + in a way, although I was the fox, and a herd of elephants + were the huntsmen.”</p> + + <p>“How queer,” said Diavolo, unscrewing one of + the Baron’s shirt studs to see if he would fall apart.</p> + + <p>“Not half so queer as my feelings when I realised + my position,” said the Baron with a shake of his + head. “I was frightened half to death. It seemed + to me that I’d reached the end of my tether at last. + I was studying the fauna and flora of India, in a + small Indian village, known as ah—what was the + name of that town! Ah—something like Rathabad—no, + that isn’t quite it—however, one name does + as well as another in India. It was a good many + <a class="pagenum" id="page44" title="44"> </a>miles from Calcutta, and I’d been living there + about three months. The village lay in a small + valley between two ranges of hills, none of them + very high. On the other side of the westerly hills + was a great level stretch of country upon which + herds of elephants used to graze. Out of this rose + these hills, very precipitously, which was a very + good thing for the people in the valley, else those + elephants would have come over and played havoc + with their homes and crops. To me the plains had + a great fascination, and I used to wander over them + day after day in search of new specimens for my + collection of plants and flowers, never thinking of + the danger I ran from an encounter with these elephants, + who were very ferocious and extremely + jealous of the territory they had come through + years of occupation to regard as their own. So it + happened, that one day, late in the afternoon, I was + returning from an expedition over the plains, and, + as I had found a large number of new specimens, + I was feeling pretty happy. I whistled loudly as I + walked, when suddenly coming to a slight undulation + <a class="pagenum" id="page45" title="45"> </a>in the plain what should I see before me but + a herd of sixty-three elephants, some eating, some + thinking, some romping, and some lying asleep on + the soft turf. Now, if I had come quietly, of course, + I could have passed them unobserved, but as I told + you I was whistling. I forget what the tune was, + The Marsellaise or Die Wacht Am Rhein, or maybe + Tommie Atkins, which enrages the elephants very + much, being the national anthem of the British invader. + At any rate, whatever the tune was it attracted + the attention of the elephants, and then + their sport began. The leader lifted his trunk high + in the air, and let out a trumpet blast that echoed + back from the cliff three miles distant. Instantly + every elephant was on the alert. Those that had + been sleeping awoke, and sprang to their feet. + Those that had been at play stopped in their romp, + and under the leadership of the biggest brute of + the lot they made a rush for me. I had no gun; + nothing except my wits and my legs with which to + defend myself, so I naturally began to use the latter + until I could get the former to work. It was nip + <a class="pagenum" id="page46" title="46"> </a>and tuck. They could run faster than I could, and + I saw in an instant that without stratagem I could + not hope to reach a place of safety. As I have said, + the cliff, which rose straight up from the plain like + a stone-wall, was three miles away, nor was there + any other spot in which I could find a refuge. It + occurred to me as I ran that if I ran in circles I + could edge up nearer to the cliff all the time, and + still keep my pursuers at a distance for the simple + reason that an elephant being more or less unwieldy + cannot turn as rapidly as a man can, so I + kept running in circles. I could run around my + short circle in less time than the enemy could run + around his larger one, and in this manner I got + nearer and nearer my haven of safety, the bellowing + beasts snorting with rage as they followed. Finally, + when I began to see that I was tolerably safe, another + idea occurred to me, which was that if I + could manage to kill those huge creatures the ivory + I could get would make my fortune. But how! + That was the question. Well, my dearly beloved + Imps, I admit that I am a fast runner, but I am <!-- Original location of illo03 --> + <a class="pagenum" id="page47" title="47"> </a>also a fast thinker, and in less than two minutes I + had my plan arranged. I stopped short when about + two hundred feet from the cliff, and waited until + the herd was fifty feet away. Then I turned about + and ran with all my might up to within two feet + of the cliff, and then turning sharply to the left + ran off in that direction. The elephants, thinking + they had me, redoubled their speed, but failed to + notice that I had turned, so quickly was that movement + executed. They failed likewise to notice the + cliff, as I had intended. The consequence was the + whole sixty-three of them rushed head first, bang! + with all their force, into the rock. The hill shook + with the force of the blow and the sixty-three elephants + fell dead. They had simply butted their + brains out.”</p> + + <div id="illo03" class="illo"> + <a href="images/illo03.jpg"><img src="images/illo03-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="412" alt="Baron chased by a herd of elephants" /></a> + <p class="caption">“I got nearer and nearer my haven of safety, + the bellowing beasts snorting with rage as + they followed.” <span class="illo_ch">Chapter IV.</span></p> + </div> + + <p>Here the Baron paused and pulled vigourously on + his cigar, which had almost gone out.</p> + + <p>“That was fine,” said the Twins.</p> + + <p>“What a narrow escape it was for you, Uncle + Munch,” said Diavolo.</p> + + <p>“Very true,” said the great soldier rising, as a + <a class="pagenum" id="page48" title="48"> </a>signal that his story was done. “In fact you might + say that I had sixty-three narrow escapes, one for + each elephant.”</p> + + <p>“But what became of the ivory?” asked Angelica.</p> + + <p>“Oh, as for that!” said the Baron, with a sigh, + “I was disappointed in that. They turned out to + be all young elephants, and they had lost their + first teeth. Their second teeth hadn’t grown yet. + I got only enough ivory to make one paper cutter, + which is the one I gave your father for Christmas + last year.”</p> + + <p>Which may account for the extraordinary interest + the Twins have taken in their father’s paper + cutter ever since.</p> + </div> + <div id="chapter_5" class="chapter"><a class="pagenum" id="page49" title="49"> </a> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="five">V</span><br />THE STORY OF JANG</h2> + + <p class="first_paragraph">“<span class="first_word">Did</span> you ever own a dog, Baron Munchausen?” + asked the reporter of the <cite>Gehenna + Gazette</cite>, calling to interview the eminent nobleman + during Dog Show Week in Cimmeria.</p> + + <p>“Yes, indeed I have,” said the Baron, “I fancy I + must have owned as many as a hundred dogs in my + life. To be sure some of the dogs were iron and + brass, but I was just as fond of them as if they had + been made of plush or lamb’s wool. They were so + quiet, those iron dogs were; and the brass dogs + never barked or snapped at any one.”</p> + + <p>“I never saw a brass dog,” said the reporter. + “What good are they?”</p> + + <p>“Oh they are likely to be very useful in winter,” + the Baron replied. “My brass dogs used to guard + my fire-place and keep the blazing logs from rolling + out into my room and setting fire to the rug the + Khan of Tartary gave me for saving his life from a + herd of Antipodes he and I were hunting in the + Himalaya Mountains.”</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page50" title="50"> </a>“I don’t see what you needed dogs to do that + for,” said the reporter. “A fender would have + done just as well, or a pair of andirons,” he added.</p> + + <p>“That’s what these dogs were,” said the Baron. + “They were fire dogs and fire dogs are andirons.”</p> + + <p>Ananias pressed his lips tightly together, and + into his eyes came a troubled look. It was evident + that, revolting as the idea was to him, he thought + the Baron was trying to deceive him. Noting his + displeasure, the Baron inwardly resolving to be + careful how he handled the truth, hastened on + with his story.</p> + + <p>“But dogs were never my favourite animals,” he + said. “With my pets I am quite as I am with other + things. I like to have pets that are entirely different + from the pets of other people, and that is why + in my day I have made companions of such animals + as the sangaree, and the camomile, and the—ah—the + two-horned piccolo. I’ve had tame bees even—in + fact my bees used to be the wonder of Siam, in + which country I was stationed for three years, having + been commissioned by a British company to + make a study of its climate with a view to finding + <a class="pagenum" id="page51" title="51"> </a>out if it would pay the company to go into the ice + business there. Siam is, as you have probably + heard, a very warm country, and as ice is a very + rare thing in warm countries these English people + thought they might make a vast fortune by sending + tug-boats up to the Arctic Ocean, and with them + capture and tow icebergs to Siam, where they + might be cut up and sold to the people at tremendous + profit. The scheme was certainly a good one, + and I found many of the wealthy Siamese quite + willing to subscribe for a hundred pounds of ice a + week at ten dollars a pound, but it never came to + anything because we had no means of preserving + the icebergs after we got them into the Gulf of + Siam. The water was so hot that they melted before + we could cut them up, and we nearly got ourselves + into very serious trouble with the coast + people for that same reason. An iceberg, as you + know, is a huge affair, and when a dozen or two of + them had melted in the Gulf they added so to the + quantity of water there that fifty miles of the + coast line were completely flooded, and thousands + of valuable fish, able to live in warm water only, + <a class="pagenum" id="page52" title="52"> </a>were so chilled that they got pneumonia, and died. + You can readily imagine how indignant the Siamese + fishermen were with my company over the losses + they had to bear, but their affection for me personally + was so great that they promised not to sue the + company if I would promise not to let the thing + occur again. This I promised, and all went well. + But about the bees, it was while I was living in + Bangkok that I had them, and they were truly wonderful. + There was hardly anything those bees + couldn’t do after I got them tamed.”</p> + + <p>“How did you tame them, Baron,” asked + Ananias.</p> + + <p>“Power of the eye, my boy,” returned the Baron. + “I attracted their attention first and then held it. + Of course, I tried my plan on one bee first. He + tamed the rest. Bees are very like children. They + like to play stunts—I think it is called stunts, + isn’t it, when one boy does something, and all his + companions try to do the same thing?”</p> + + <p>“Yes,” said Ananias, “I believe there is such a + game, but I shouldn’t like to play it with you.”</p> + + <p>“Well, that was the way I did with the bees,” + <a class="pagenum" id="page53" title="53"> </a>said Mr. Munchausen. “I tamed the king bee, + and when he had learned all sorts of funny little + tricks, such as standing on his head and humming + tunes, I let him go back to the swarm. He + was gone a week, and then he came back, he had + grown so fond of me—as well he might, because I + fed him well, giving him a large basket of flowers + three times a day. Back with him came two or + three thousand other bees, and whatever Jang did + they did.”</p> + + <p>“Who was Jang?” asked Ananias.</p> + + <p>“That was the first bee’s name. King Jang. + Jang is Siamese for Billie, and as I was always + fond of the name, Billie, I called him Jang. By and + by every bee in the lot could hum the Star Spangled + Banner and Yankee Doodle as well as you or I + could, and it was grand on those soft moonlight + nights we had there, to sit on the back porch of my + pagoda and listen to my bee orchestra discoursing + sweet music. Of course, as soon as Jang had + learned to hum one tune it was easy enough for + him to learn another, and before long the bee orchestra + could give us any bit of music we wished + <a class="pagenum" id="page54" title="54"> </a>to have. Then I used to give musicales at my house + and all the Siamese people, from the King down + asked to be invited, so that through my pets my + home became one of the most attractive in all Asia.</p> + + <p>“And the honey those bees made! It was the + sweetest honey you ever tasted, and every morning + when I got down to breakfast there was a fresh + bottleful ready for me, the bees having made it in + the bottle itself over night. They were the most + grateful pets I ever had, and once they saved my + life. They used to live in a hive I had built for them + in one corner of my room and I could go to bed and + sleep with every door in my house open, and not be + afraid of robbers, because those bees were there to + protect me. One night a lion broke loose from the + Royal Zoo, and while trotting along the road looking + for something to eat he saw my front door wide + open. In he walked, and began to sniff. He sniffed + here and he sniffed there, but found nothing but a + pot of anchovy paste, which made him thirstier and + hungrier than ever. So he prowled into the parlour, + and had his appetite further aggravated by a bronze + statue of the Emperor of China I had there. He + <a class="pagenum" id="page55" title="55"> </a>thought in the dim light it was a small-sized human + being, and he pounced on it in a minute. Well, of + course, he couldn’t make any headway trying to + eat a bronze statue, and the more he tried the more + hungry and angry he got. He roared until he shook + the house and would undoubtedly have awakened + me had it not been that I am always a sound sleeper + and never wake until I have slept enough. Why, on + one occasion, on the Northern Pacific Railway, a + train I was on ran into and completely telescoped + another while I was asleep in the smoking car, and + although I was severely burned and hurled out of + the car window to land sixty feet away on the prairie, + I didn’t wake up for two hours. I was nearly + buried alive because they thought I’d been killed, + I lay so still.</p> + + <p>“But to return to the bees. The roaring of the + lion disturbed them, and Jang buzzed out of his + hive to see what was the matter just as the lion appeared + at my bed-room door. The intelligent insect + saw in a moment what the trouble was, and he + sounded the alarm for the rest of the bees, who came + swarming out of the hive in response to the summons. + <a class="pagenum" id="page56" title="56"> </a>Jang kept his eye on the lion meanwhile, + and just as the prowler caught sight of your uncle + peacefully snoring away on the bed, dreaming of + his boyhood, and prepared to spring upon me, Jang + buzzed over and sat down upon his back, putting + his sting where it would do the most good. The + angry lion, who in a moment would have fastened + his teeth upon me, turned with a yelp of pain, and + the bite which was to have been mine wrought + havoc with his own back. Following Jang’s example, + the other bees ranged themselves in line + over the lion’s broad shoulders, and stung him until + he roared with pain. Each time he was stung he + would whisk his head around like a dog after a + flea, and bite himself, until finally he had literally + chewed himself up, when he fainted from sheer exhaustion, + and I was saved. You can imagine my + surprise when next morning I awakened to find a + dying lion in my room.”</p> + + <div id="illo04" class="illo"> + <img src="images/illo04-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="417" alt="A lion roars at a bee on its back" /> + <p class="caption">“Jang buzzed over and sat down upon his + back, putting his sting where it would do the + most good.” <span class="illo_ch">Chapter V.</span></p> + </div> + + <p>“But, Baron,” said Ananias. “I don’t understand + one thing about it. If you were fast asleep + while all this was happening how did you know + that Jang did those things?”</p> + + <!-- Original location of illo04 --> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page57" title="57"> </a>“Why, Jang told me himself,” replied the Baron + calmly.</p> + + <p>“Could he talk?” cried Ananias in amazement.</p> + + <p>“Not as you and I do,” said the Baron. “Of + course not, but Jang could spell. I taught him how. + You see I reasoned it out this way. If a bee can be + taught to sing a song which is only a story in music, + why can’t he be taught to tell a story in real words. + It was worth trying anyhow, and I tried. Jang + was an apt pupil. He was the most intelligent bee + I ever met, and it didn’t take me more than a month + to teach him his letters, and when he once knew + his letters it was easy enough to teach him how to + spell. I got a great big sheet and covered it with + twenty-six squares, and in each of these squares I + painted a letter of the alphabet, so that finally when + Jang came to know them, and wanted to tell me + anything he would fly from one square to another + until he had spelled out whatever he wished to say. + I would follow his movements closely, and we got + so after awhile that we could converse for hours + without any trouble whatsoever. I really believe + that if Jang had been a little heavier so that he + <a class="pagenum" id="page58" title="58"> </a>could push the keys down far enough he could have + managed a typewriter as well as anybody, and + when I think about his wonderful mind and delicious + fancy I deeply regret that there never was a + typewriting machine so delicately made that a bee + of his weight could make it go. The world would + have been very much enriched by the stories Jang + had in his mind to tell, but it is too late now. He + is gone forever.”</p> + + <p>“How did you lose Jang, Baron?” asked + Ananias, with tears in his eyes.</p> + + <p>“He thought I had deceived him,” said the + Baron, with a sigh. “He was as much of a stickler + for truth as I am. An American friend of mine + sent me a magnificent parterre of wax flowers + which were so perfectly made that I couldn’t tell + them from the real. I was very proud of them, + and kept them in my room near the hive. When + Jang and his tribe first caught sight of them they + were delighted and they sang as they had never + sung before just to show how pleased they were. + Then they set to work to make honey out of them. + <a class="pagenum" id="page59" title="59"> </a>They must have laboured over those flowers for two + months before I thought to tell them that they were + only wax and not at all real. As I told Jang this, + I unfortunately laughed, thinking that he could + understand the joke of the thing as well as I, but I + was mistaken. All that he could see was that he + had been deceived, and it made him very angry. + Bees don’t seem to have a well-developed sense of + humour. He cast a reproachful glance at me and + returned to his hive and on the morning of the third + day when I waked up they were moving out. They + flew to my lattice and ranged themselves along the + slats and waited for Jang. In a moment he appeared + and at a given signal they buzzed out of my + sight, humming a farewell dirge as they went. I + never saw them again.”</p> + + <p>Here the Baron wiped his eyes.</p> + + <p>“I felt very bad about it,” he went on, “and resolved + then never again to do anything which even + suggested deception, and when several years later + I had my crest designed I had a bee drawn on it, + for in my eyes my good friend the bee, represents + <a class="pagenum" id="page60" title="60"> </a>three great factors of the good and successful life—Industry, + Fidelity, and Truth.”</p> + + <p>Whereupon the Baron went his way, leaving + Ananias to think it over.</p> + </div> + <div id="chapter_6" class="chapter"><a class="pagenum" id="page61" title="61"> </a> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="six">VI</span><br />HE TELLS THE TWINS OF FIRE-WORKS</h2> + + <p class="first_paragraph"><span class="first_word">There</span> was a great noise going on in the public + square of Cimmeria when Mr. Munchausen + sauntered into the library at the home of the Heavenly + Twins.</p> + + <p>“These Americans are having a great time of it + celebrating their Fourth of July,” said he, as the + house shook with the explosion of a bomb. + “They’ve burnt powder enough already to set ten + revolutions revolving, and they’re going to outdo + themselves to-night in the park. They’ve made a + bicycle out of the two huge pin-wheels, and they’re + going to make Benedict Arnold ride a mile on it + after it’s lit.”</p> + + <p>The Twins appeared much interested. They too + had heard much of the celebration and some of its + joys and when the Baron arrived they were primed + with questions.</p> + + <p>“Uncle Munch,” they said, helping the Baron to + remove his hat and coat, which they threw into + a corner so anxious were they to get to work, “do + <a class="pagenum" id="page62" title="62"> </a>you think there’s much danger in little boys having + fire-crackers and rockets and pin-wheels, or in + little girls having torpeters?”</p> + + <p>“Well, I don’t know,” the Baron answered, warily. + “What does your venerable Dad say about + it?”</p> + + <p>“He thinks we ought to wait until we are older, + but we don’t,” said the Twins.</p> + + <p>“Torpeters never sets nothing afire,” said Angelica.</p> + + <p>“That’s true,” said the Baron, kindly; “but + after all your father is right. Why do you know + what happened to me when I was a boy?”</p> + + <p>“You burnt your thumb,” said the Twins, ready + to make a guess at it.</p> + + <p>“Well, you get me a cigar, and I’ll tell you what + happened to me when I was a boy just because my + father let me have all the fire-works I wanted, and + then perhaps you will see how wise your father is + in not doing as you wish him to,” said Mr. Munchausen.</p> + + <p>The Twins readily found the desired cigar, after + which Mr. Munchausen settled down comfortably + <a class="pagenum" id="page63" title="63"> </a>in the hammock, and swinging softly to and fro, + told his story.</p> + + <p>“My dear old father,” said he, “was the most + indulgent man that ever lived. He’d give me anything + in the world that I wanted whether he could + afford it or not, only he had an original system of + giving which kept him from being ruined by indulgence + of his children. He gave me a Rhine steamboat + once without its costing him a cent. I saw it, + wanted it, was beginning to cry for it, when he + patted me on the head and told me I could have + it, adding, however, that I must never take it away + from the river or try to run it myself. That satisfied + me. All I wanted really was the happiness + of feeling it was mine, and my dear old daddy gave + me permission to feel that way. The same thing + happened with reference to the moon. He gave + it to me freely and ungrudgingly. He had received + it from his father, he said, and he thought he had + owned it long enough. Only, he added, as he + had about the steamboat, I must leave it where it + was and let other people look at it whenever they + wanted to, and not interfere if I found any other + <a class="pagenum" id="page64" title="64"> </a>little boys or girls playing with its beams, which + I promised and have faithfully observed to this day.</p> + + <p>“Of course from such a parent as this you may + very easily see everything was to be expected on + such a day as the Tenth of August which the people + in our region celebrated because it was my birthday. + He used to let me have my own way at all + times, and it’s a wonder I wasn’t spoiled. I really + can’t understand how it is that I have become the + man I am, considering how I was indulged when I + was small.</p> + + <p>“However, like all boys, I was very fond of celebrating + the Tenth, and being a more or less ingenious + lad, I usually prepared my own fire-works + and many things happened which might not otherwise + have come to pass if I had been properly + looked after as you are. The first thing that happened + to me on the Tenth of August that would + have a great deal better not have happened, was + when I was—er—how old are you Imps?”</p> + + <p>“Sixteen,” said they. “Going on eighteen.”</p> + + <p>“Nonsense,” said the Baron. “Why you’re not + more than eight.”</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page65" title="65"> </a>“Nope—we’re sixteen,” said Diavolo. “I’m + eight and Angelica’s eight and twice eight is sixteen.”</p> + + <p>“Oh,” said the Baron. “I see. Well, that was + exactly the age I was at the time. Just eight to a + day.”</p> + + <p>“Sixteen we said,” said the Twins.</p> + + <p>“Yes,” nodded the Baron. “Just eight, but going + on towards sixteen. My father had given me + ten thalers to spend on noises, but unlike most boys + I did not care so much for noises as I did for novelties. + It didn’t give me any particular pleasure + to hear a giant cracker go off with a bang. What I + wanted to do most of all was to get up some kind + of an exhibition that would please the people and + that could be seen in the day-time instead of at + night when everybody is tired and sleepy. So instead + of spending my money on fire-crackers and + torpedoes and rockets, I spent nine thalers of it + on powder and one thaler on putty blowers. My + particular object was to make one grand effort and + provide passers-by with a free exhibition of what + I was going to call ‘Munchausen’s Grand Geyser + <a class="pagenum" id="page66" title="66"> </a>Cascade.’ To do this properly I had set my eye upon + a fish pond not far from the town hall. It was a + very deep pond and about a mile in circumference, + I should say. Putty blowers were then selling at + five for a pfennig and powder was cheap as sand + owing to the fact that the powder makers, expecting + a war, had made a hundred times as much as + was needed, and as the war didn’t come off, they + were willing to take almost anything they could + get for it. The consequence was that the powder + I got was sufficient in quantity to fill a rubber bag + as large as five sofa cushions. This I sank in the + middle of the pond, without telling anybody what I + intended to do, and through the putty blowers, sealed + tightly together end to end, I conducted a fuse, which + I made myself, from the powder bag to the shore. + My idea was that I could touch the thing off, you + know, and that about sixty square feet of the pond + would fly up into the air and then fall gracefully + back again like a huge fountain. If it had worked + as I expected everything would have been all right, + but it didn’t. I had too much powder, for a second + <a class="pagenum" id="page67" title="67"> </a>after I had lit the fuse there came a muffled + roar and the whole pond in a solid mass, fish and + all, went flying up into the air and disappeared. + Everybody was astonished, not a few were very + much frightened. I was scared to death but I + never let on to any one that I was the person that + had blown the pond off. How high the pond went + I don’t know, but I do know that for a week there + wasn’t any sign of it, and then most unexpectedly + out of what appeared to be a clear sky there came + the most extraordinary rain-storm you ever saw. + It literally poured down for two days, and, what + I alone could understand, with it came trout and + sunfish and minnows, and most singular to all but + myself an old scow that was recognised as the property + of the owner of the pond suddenly appeared + in the sky falling toward the earth at a fearful + rate of speed. When I saw the scow coming I was + more frightened than ever because I was afraid it + might fall upon and kill some of our neighbours. + Fortunately, however, this possible disaster was + averted, for it came down directly over the sharp-pointed + <a class="pagenum" id="page68" title="68"> </a>lightning-rod on the tower of our public + library and stuck there like a piece of paper on a + file.</p> + + <div id="illo05" class="illo"> + <a href="images/illo05.jpg"><img src="images/illo05-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="414" alt="A crowd of people have fish raining on them." /></a> + <p class="caption">“Out of what appeared to be a clear sky + came the most extraordinary rain storm you + ever saw.” <span class="illo_ch">Chapter VI.</span></p> + </div> + + <p>“The rain washed away several acres of finely + cultivated farms, but the losses on crops and fences + and so forth were largely reduced by the fish that + came with the storm. One farmer took a rake and + caught three hundred pounds of trout, forty pounds + of sun-fish, eight turtles, and a minnow in his potato + patch in five minutes. Others were almost as + fortunate, but the damage was sufficiently large to + teach me that parents cannot be too careful about + what they let their children do on the day they + celebrate.”</p> + + <p>“And weren’t you ever punished?” asked the + Twins.</p> + + <p>“No, indeed,” said the Baron. “Nobody ever + knew that I did it because I never told them. In + fact you are the only two persons who ever heard + about it, and you mustn’t tell, because there are + still a number of farmers around that region who + would sue me for damages in case they knew that I + was responsible for the accident.”</p> + + <!-- Original location of illo05 --> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page69" title="69"> </a>“That was pretty awful,” said the Twins. “But + we don’t want to blow up ponds so as to get cascadeses, + but we do want torpeters. Torpeters aren’t + any harm, are they, Uncle Munch?”</p> + + <p>“Well, you can never tell. It all depends on the + torpedo. Torpedoes are sometimes made carelessly,” + said the Baron. “They ought to be made + as carefully as a druggist makes pills. So many + pebbles, so much paper, and so much saltpeter and + sulphur, or whatever else is used to make them go + off. I had a very unhappy time once with a carelessly + made torpedo. I had two boxes full. They + were those tin-foil torpedoes that little girls are so + fond of, and I expected they would make quite a + lot of noise, but the first ten I threw down didn’t go + off at all. The eleventh for some reason or other, + I never knew exactly what, I hurled with all my + force against the side of my father’s barn, and my, + what a surprise it was! It smashed in the whole + side of the barn and sent seven bales of hay, and + our big farm plough bounding down the hillside + into the town. The hay-bales smashed down + fences; one of them hit a cow-shed on its way down, + <a class="pagenum" id="page70" title="70"> </a>knocked the back of it to smithereens and then proceeded + to demolish the rear end of a small crockery + shop that fronted on the main street. It struck the + crockery shop square in the middle of its back and + threw down fifteen dozen cups and saucers, thirty-two + water pitchers, and five china busts of Shakespeare. + The din was frightful—but I couldn’t help + that. Nobody could blame me, because I had no + means of knowing that the man who made the torpedoes + was careless and had put a solid ball of + dynamite into one of them. So you see, my dear + Imps, that even torpedoes are not always safe.”</p> + + <p>“Yes,” said Angelica. “I guess I’ll play with + my dolls on my birthday. They never goes off and + blows things up.”</p> + + <p>“That’s very wise of you,” said the Baron.</p> + + <p>“But what became of the plough, Uncle + Munch?” said Diavolo.</p> + + <p>“Oh, the plough didn’t do much damage,” replied + Mr. Munchausen. “It simply furrowed its way + down the hill, across the main street, to the bowling + green. It ploughed up about one hundred feet of + <a class="pagenum" id="page71" title="71"> </a>this before it stopped, but nobody minded that much + because it was to have been ploughed and seeded + again anyhow within a few days. Of course the + furrow it made in crossing the road was bad, and + to make it worse the share caught one of the water + pipes that ran under the street, and ripped it in + two so that the water burst out and flooded the + street for a while, but one hundred and sixty thousand + dollars would have covered the damage.”</p> + + <p>The Twins were silent for a few moments and + then they asked:</p> + + <p>“Well, Uncle Munch, what kind of fire-works are + safe anyhow?”</p> + + <p>“My experience has taught me that there are + only two kinds that are safe,” replied their old + friend. “One is a Jack-o-lantern and the other is + a cigar, and as you are not old enough to have + cigars, if you will put on your hats and coats and + go down into the garden and get me two pumpkins, + I’ll make each of you a Jack-o’-lantern. What do + you say?”</p> + + <p>“We say yes,” said the Twins, and off they went, + <a class="pagenum" id="page72" title="72"> </a>while the Baron turning over in the hammock, and + arranging a pillow comfortably under his head, + went to sleep to dream of more birthday recollections + in case there should be a demand for them + later on.</p> + </div> + <div id="chapter_7" class="chapter"><a class="pagenum" id="page73" title="73"> </a> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="seven">VII</span><br />SAVED BY A MAGIC LANTERN</h2> + + <p class="first_paragraph"><span class="first_word">When</span> the Sunday dinner was over, the + Twins, on Mr. Munchausen’s invitation, + climbed into the old warrior’s lap, Angelica kissing + him on the ear, and Diavolo giving his nose an affectionate + tweak.</p> + + <p>“Ah!” said the Baron. “That’s it!”</p> + + <p>“What’s what, Uncle Munch?” demanded Diavolo.</p> + + <p>“Why that,” returned the Baron. “I was wondering + what it was I needed to make my dinner an + unqualified success. There was something lacking, + but what it was, we have had so much, I could + not guess until you two Imps kissed me and + tweaked my nasal feature. Now I know, for + really a feeling of the most blessed contentment + has settled upon my soul.”</p> + + <p>“Don’t you wish <em>you</em> had two youngsters like + us, Uncle Munch?” asked the Twins.</p> + + <p>“Do I wish I had? Why I have got two youngsters + <a class="pagenum" id="page74" title="74"> </a>like you,” the Baron replied. “I’ve got ’em + right here too.”</p> + + <p>“Where?” asked the Twins, looking curiously + about them for the other two.</p> + + <p>“On my knees, of course,” said he. “You are + mine. Your papa gave you to me—and you are as + like yourselves as two peas in a pod.”</p> + + <p>“I—I hope you aren’t going to take us away from + here,” said the Twins, a little ruefully. They were + very fond of the Baron, but they didn’t exactly like + the idea of being given away.</p> + + <p>“Oh no—not at all,” said the Baron. “Your + father has consented to keep you here for me and + your mother has kindly volunteered to look after + you. There is to be no change, except that you belong + to me, and, vice versa, I belong to you.”</p> + + <p>“And I suppose, then,” said Diavolo, “if you + belong to us you’ve got to do pretty much what we + tell you to?”</p> + + <p>“Exactly,” responded Mr. Munchausen. “If + you should ask me to tell you a story I’d have to + do it, even if you were to demand the full particulars + of how I spent Christmas with Mtulu, King + <a class="pagenum" id="page75" title="75"> </a>of the Taafe Eatars, on the upper Congo away + down in Africa—which is a tale I have never told + any one in all my life.”</p> + + <p>“It sounds as if it might be interesting,” said + the Twins. “Those are real candy names, aren’t + they?”</p> + + <p>“Yes,” said the Baron. “Taafe sounds like + taffy and Mtulu is very suggestive of chewing gum. + That’s the curious thing about the savage tribes + of Africa. Their names often sound as if they + might be things to eat instead of people. Perhaps + that is why they sometimes eat each other—though, + of course, I won’t say for sure that that is the real + explanation of cannibalism.”</p> + + <p>“What’s cannon-ballism?” asked Angelica.</p> + + <p>“He didn’t say cannon-ballism,” said Diavolo, + scornfully. “It was candy-ballism.”</p> + + <p>“Well—you’ve both come pretty near it,” said + the Baron, “and we’ll let the matter rest there, or + I won’t have time to tell you how Christmas got + me into trouble with King Mtulu.”</p> + + <p>The Baron called for a cigar, which the Twins + lighted for him and then he began.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page76" title="76"> </a>“You may not have heard,” he said, “that some + twenty or thirty years ago I was in command of an + expedition in Africa. Our object was to find Lake + Majolica, which we hoped would turn up half way + between Lollokolela and the Clebungo Mountains. + Lollokolela was the furthermost point to which civilisation + had reached at that time, and was directly + in the pathway to the Clebungo Mountains, which + the natives said were full of gold and silver mines + and scattered all over which were reputed to be + caves in which diamonds and rubies and other gems + of the rarest sort were to be found in great profusion. + No white man had ever succeeded in + reaching this marvellously rich range of hills for + the reason that after leaving Lollokolela there was, + as far as was known, no means of obtaining water, + and countless adventurous spirits had had to give + up because of the overpowering thirst which the + climate brought upon them.</p> + + <p>“Under such circumstances it was considered by + a company of gentlemen in London to be well worth + their while to set about the discovery of a lake, + which they decided in advance to call Majolica, for + <a class="pagenum" id="page77" title="77"> </a>reasons best known to themselves; they probably + wanted to jar somebody with it. And to me was + intrusted the mission of leading the expedition. I + will confess that I did not want to go for the + very good reason that I did not wish to be eaten + alive by the savage tribes that infested that region, + but the company provided me with a close fitting + suit of mail, which I wore from the time I started + until I returned. It was very fortunate for me + that I was so provided, for on three distinct occasions + I was served up for state dinners and each + time successfully resisted the carving knife and as + a result, was thereafter well received, all the chiefs + looking upon me as one who bore a charmed existence.”</p> + + <p>Here the Baron paused long enough for the + Twins to reflect upon and realise the terrors which + had beset him on his way to Lake Majolica, and + be it said that if they had thought him brave before + they now deemed him a very hero of heroes.</p> + + <p>“When I set out,” said the Baron, “I was accompanied + by ten Zanzibaris and a thousand tins + of condensed dinners.”</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page78" title="78"> </a>“A thousand what, Uncle Munch?” asked Jack, + his mouth watering.</p> + + <p>“Condensed dinners,” said the Baron, “I had a + lot of my favourite dinners condensed and put up + in tins. I didn’t expect to be gone more than a + year and a thousand dinners condensed and tinned, + together with the food I expected to find on the + way, elephant meat, rhinoceros steaks, and tiger + chops, I thought would suffice for the trip. I could + eat the condensed dinners and my followers could + have the elephant’s meat, rhinoceros steaks, and + tiger chops—not to mention the bananas and other + fruits which grow wild in the African jungle. It + was not long, however, before I made the discovery + that the Zanzibaris, in order to eat tigers, need + to learn first how to keep tigers from eating them. + We went to bed late one night on the fourth day + out from Lollokolela, and when we waked up the + next morning every mother’s son of us, save myself, + had been eaten by tigers, and again it was nothing + but my coat of mail that saved me. There were + eighteen tigers’ teeth sticking into the sleeve of + the coat, as it was. You can imagine my distress + <a class="pagenum" id="page79" title="79"> </a>at having to continue the search for Lake Majolica + alone. It was then that I acquired the habit of + talking to myself, which has kept me young ever + since, for I enjoy my own conversation hugely, + and find myself always a sympathetic listener. I + walked on for days and days, until finally, on + Christmas Eve, I reached King Mtulu’s palace. Of + course your idea of a palace is a magnificent five-story + building with beautiful carvings all over the + front of it, marble stair-cases and handsomely + painted and gilded ceilings. King Mtulu’s palace + was nothing of the sort, although for that region + it was quite magnificent, the walls being decorated + with elephants’ tusks, crocodile teeth and many + other treasures such as delight the soul of the Central + African.</p> + + <p>“Now as I may not have told you, King Mtulu + was the fiercest of the African chiefs, and it is said + that up to the time when I outwitted him no white + man had ever encountered him and lived to tell the + tale. Consequently, when without knowing it on + this sultry Christmas Eve, laden with the luggage + and the tinned dinners and other things I had + <a class="pagenum" id="page80" title="80"> </a>brought with me I stumbled upon the blood-thirsty + monarch I gave myself up for lost.</p> + + <p>“‘Who comes here to disturb the royal peace?’ + cried Mtulu, savagely, as I crossed the threshold.</p> + + <p>“‘It is I, your highness,’ I returned, my face + blanching, for I recognized him at once by the ivory + ring he wore in the end of his nose.</p> + + <p>“‘Who is I?’ retorted Mtulu, picking up his battle + axe and striding forward.</p> + + <p>“A happy thought struck me then. These folks + are superstitious. Perhaps the missionaries may + have told these uncivilised creatures the story of + Santa Claus. I will pretend that I am Santa + Claus. So I answered, ‘Who is I, O Mtulu, Bravest + of the Taafe Chiefs? I am Santa Claus, the Children’s + Friend, and bearer of gifts to and for all.’</p> + + <p>“Mtulu gazed at me narrowly for a moment and + then he beat lightly upon a tom-tom at his side. + Immediately thirty of the most villainous-looking + natives, each armed with a club, appeared.</p> + + <p>“‘Arrest that man,’ said Mtulu, ‘before he goes + any farther. He is an impostor.’</p> + + <p>“‘If your majesty pleases,’ I began.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page81" title="81"> </a>“‘Silence!’ he cried, ‘I am fierce and I eat men, + but I love truth. The truthful man has nothing to + fear from me, for I have been converted from my + evil ways and since last New Year’s day I have + eaten only those who have attempted to deceive me. + You will be served raw at dinner to-morrow night. + My respect for your record as a man of courage + leads me to spare you the torture of the frying-pan. + You are Baron Munchausen. I recognized + you the moment you turned pale. Another man + would have blushed.’</p> + + <p>“So I was carried off and shut up in a mud + hovel, the interior walls of which were of white, + a fact which strangely enough, preserved my life + when later I came to the crucial moment. I had + brought with me, among other things, for my + amusement solely, a magic lantern. As a child, + I had always been particularly fond of pictures, + and when I thought of the lonely nights in Africa, + with no books at hand, no theatres, no cotillions to + enliven the monotony of my life, I resolved to take + with me my little magic-lantern as much for company + as for anything else. It was very compact in + <a class="pagenum" id="page82" title="82"> </a>form. It folded up to be hardly larger than a wallet + containing a thousand one dollar bills, and the + glass lenses of course could be carried easily in my + trousers pockets. The views, instead of being + mounted on glass, were put on a substance not unlike + glass, but thinner, called gelatine. All of these + things I carried in my vest pockets, and when + Mtulu confiscated my luggage the magic lantern + and views of course escaped his notice.</p> + + <p>“Christmas morning came and passed and I was + about to give myself up for lost, for Mtulu was not + a king to be kept from eating a man by anything + so small as a suit of mail, when I received word + that before dinner my captor and his suite were + going to pay me a formal parting call. Night was + coming on and as I sat despondently awaiting the + king’s arrival, I suddenly bethought me of a lantern + slide of the British army, standing and awaiting + the command to fire, I happened to have with + me. It was a superb view—lifelike as you please. + Why not throw that on the wall and when Mtulu + enters he will find me apparently with a strong + force at my command, thought I. It was no sooner <!-- Original location of illo06 --> + <a class="pagenum" id="page83" title="83"> </a>thought than it was done and my life was saved. + Hardly was that noble picture reflected upon the + rear wall of my prison when the door opened and + Mtulu, followed by his suite, appeared. I rose to + greet him, but apparently he saw me not. Mute + with terror he stood upon the threshold gazing at + that terrible line of soldiers ready as he thought to + sweep him and his men from the face of the earth + with their death-dealing bullets.</p> + + <div id="illo06" class="illo"> + <img src="images/illo06-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="410" alt="A man kneels to the Baron" /> + <p class="caption">“‘I am your slave,’ he replied to my greeting, + kneeling before me, ‘I yield all to you.’” <span class="illo_ch">Chapter VII.</span></p> + </div> + + <p>“‘I am your slave,’ he replied to my greeting, + kneeling before me, ‘I yield all to you.’</p> + + <p>“‘I thought you would,’ said I. ‘But I ask + nothing save the discovery of Lake Majolica. If + within twenty-four hours Lake Majolica is not discovered + I give the command to fire!’ Then I + turned and gave the order to carry arms, and lo! + by a quick change of slides, the army appeared at + a carry. Mtulu gasped with terror, but accepted + my ultimatum. I was freed, Lake Majolica was + discovered before ten o’clock the next morning, and + at five o’clock I was on my way home, the British + army reposing quietly in my breast pocket. It was a + mighty narrow escape!”</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page84" title="84"> </a>“I should say so,” said the Twins. “But Mtulu + must have been awful stupid not to see what it + was.”</p> + + <p>“Didn’t he see through it when he saw you put + the army in your pocket?” asked Diavolo.</p> + + <p>“No,” said the Baron, “that frightened him + worse than ever, for you see he reasoned this way. + If I could carry an army in my pocket-book, what + was to prevent my carrying Mtulu himself and all + his tribe off in the same way! He thought I was + a marvellous man to be able to do that.”</p> + + <p>“Well, we guess he was right,” said the Twins, + as they climbed down from the Baron’s lap to find + an atlas and search the map of Africa for Lake + Majolica. This they failed to find and the Baron’s + explanation is unknown to me, for when the Imps + returned, the warrior had departed.</p> + </div> + <div id="chapter_8" class="chapter"><a class="pagenum" id="page85" title="85"> </a> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="eight">VIII</span><br />AN ADVENTURE IN THE DESERT</h2> + + <p class="first_paragraph">“<span class="first_word">The</span> editor has a sort of notion, Mr. Munchausen,” + said Ananias, as he settled down + in the big arm-chair before the fire in the Baron’s + library, “that he’d like to have a story about a + giraffe. Public taste has a necky quality about it + of late.”</p> + + <p>“What do you say to that, Sapphira?” asked the + Baron, politely turning to Mrs. Ananias, who had + called with her husband. “Are you interested in + giraffes?”</p> + + <p>“I like lions better,” said Sapphira. “They + roar louder and bite more fiercely.”</p> + + <p>“Well, suppose we compromise,” said the Baron, + “and have a story about a poodle dog. Poodle + dogs sometimes look like lions, and as a rule they + are as gentle as giraffes.”</p> + + <p>“I know a better scheme than that,” put in + Ananias. “Tell us a story about a lion and a + giraffe, and if you feel disposed throw in a few + <a class="pagenum" id="page86" title="86"> </a>poodles for good measure. I’m writing on space + this year.”</p> + + <p>“That’s so,” said Sapphira, wearily. “I could + say it was a story about a lion and Ananias could + call it a giraffe story, and we’d each be right.”</p> + + <p>“Very well,” said the Baron, “it shall be a story + of each, only I must have a cigar before I begin. + Cigars help me to think, and the adventure I had + in the Desert of Sahara with a lion, a giraffe, and + a slippery elm tree was so long ago that I shall have + to do a great deal of thinking in order to recall it.”</p> + + <p>So the Baron went for a cigar, while Ananias + and Sapphira winked enviously at each other and + lamented their lost glory. In a minute the Baron + returned with the weed, and after lighting it, began + his story.</p> + + <p>“I was about twenty years old when this thing + happened to me,” said he. “I had gone to Africa + to investigate the sand in the Desert of Sahara for + a Sand Company in America. As you may already + have heard, sand is a very useful thing in a + great many ways, more particularly however in + the building trades. The Sand Company was + <a class="pagenum" id="page87" title="87"> </a>formed for the purpose of supplying sand to everybody + that wanted it, but land in America at that + time was so very expensive that there was very little + profit in the business. People who owned sand + banks and sand lots asked outrageous prices for + their property; and the sea-shore people were not + willing to part with any of theirs because they + needed it in their hotel business. The great attraction + of a seaside hotel is the sand on the beach, + and of course the proprietors weren’t going to sell + that. They might better even sell their brass + bands. So the Sand Company thought it might be + well to build some steam-ships, load them with oysters, + or mowing machines, or historical novels, or + anything else that is produced in the United States, + and in demand elsewhere; send them to Egypt, sell + the oysters, or mowing machines, or historical novels, + and then have the ships fill up with sand from + the Sahara, which they could get for nothing, and + bring it back in ballast to the United States.”</p> + + <p>“It must have cost a lot!” said Ananias.</p> + + <p>“Not at all,” returned the Baron. “The profits + on the oysters and mowing machines and historical + <a class="pagenum" id="page88" title="88"> </a>novels were so large that all expenses both + ways were more than paid, so that when it was + delivered in America the sand had really cost + less than nothing. We could have thrown it all + overboard and still have a profit left. It was I + who suggested the idea to the President of the + Sand Company—his name was Bartlett, or—ah—Mulligan—or + some similar well-known American + name, I can’t exactly recall it now. However, + Mr. Bartlett, or Mr. Mulligan, or whoever it was, + was very much pleased with the idea and asked + me if I wouldn’t go to the Sahara, investigate the + quality of the sand, and report; and as I was temporarily + out of employment I accepted the commission. + Six weeks later I arrived in Cairo and set + out immediately on a tour of the desert. I went + alone because I preferred not to take any one into + my confidence, and besides one can always be more + independent when he has only his own wishes to + consult. I also went on foot, for the reason that + camels need a great deal of care—at least mine + would have, if I’d had one, because I always like to + have my steeds well groomed whether there is any + <a class="pagenum" id="page89" title="89"> </a>one to see them or not. So to save myself trouble I + started off alone on foot. In twenty-four hours I + travelled over a hundred miles of the desert, and + the night of the second day found me resting in the + shade of a slippery elm tree in the middle of an + oasis, which after much suffering and anxiety I had + discovered. It was a beautiful moonlight night and + I was enjoying it hugely. There were no mosquitoes + or insects of any kind to interfere with my + comfort. No insects could have flown so far across + the sands. I have no doubt that many of them have + tried to get there, but up to the time of my arrival + none had succeeded, and I felt as happy as though + I were in Paradise.</p> + + <p>“After eating my supper and taking a draught + of the delicious spring water that purled up in the + middle of the oasis, I threw myself down under the + elm tree, and began to play my violin, without + which in those days I never went anywhere.”</p> + + <p>“I didn’t know you played the violin,” said Sapphira. + “I thought your instrument was the trombone—plenty + of blow and a mighty stretch.”</p> + + <p>“I don’t—now,” said the Baron, ignoring the + <a class="pagenum" id="page90" title="90"> </a>sarcasm. “I gave it up ten years ago—but that’s + a different story. How long I played that night + I don’t know, but I do know that lulled by the delicious + strains of the music and soothed by the + soft sweetness of the atmosphere I soon dropped + off to sleep. Suddenly I was awakened by what + I thought to be the distant roar of thunder. + ‘Humph!’ I said to myself. ‘This is something + new. A thunder storm in the Desert of Sahara is + a thing I never expected to see, particularly on a + beautifully clear moonlight night’—for the moon + was still shining like a great silver ball in the heavens, + and not a cloud was anywhere to be seen. + Then it occurred to me that perhaps I had been + dreaming, so I turned over to go to sleep again. + Hardly had I closed my eyes when a second ear-splitting + roar came bounding over the sands, and + I knew that it was no dream, but an actual sound + that I heard. I sprang to my feet and looked about + the horizon and there, a mere speck in the distance, + was something—for the moment I thought + a cloud, but in another instant I changed my mind, + for glancing through my telescope I perceived it + <a class="pagenum" id="page91" title="91"> </a>was not a cloud but a huge lion with the glitter of + hunger in his eye. What I had mistaken for the + thunder was the roar of this savage beast. I seized + my gun and felt for my cartridge box only to discover + that I had lost my ammunition and was there + alone, unarmed, in the great desert, at the mercy + of that savage creature, who was drawing nearer + and nearer every minute and giving forth the most + fearful roars you ever heard. It was a terrible + moment and I was in despair.</p> + + <p>“‘It’s all up with you, Baron,’ I said to myself, + and then I caught sight of the tree. It seemed my + only chance. I must climb that. I tried, but alas! + As I have told you it was a slippery elm tree, and + I might as well have tried to climb a greased pole. + Despite my frantic efforts to get a grip upon the + trunk I could not climb more than two feet without + slipping back. It was impossible. Nothing + was left for me to do but to take to my legs, and + I took to them as well as I knew how. My, what + a run it was, and how hopeless. The beast was + gaining on me every second, and before me lay mile + after mile of desert. ‘Better give up and treat the + <a class="pagenum" id="page92" title="92"> </a>beast to a breakfast, Baron,’ I moaned to myself. + ‘When there’s only one thing to do, you might as + well do it and be done with it. Your misery will be + over the more quickly if you stop right here.’ As I + spoke these words, I slowed up a little, but the + frightful roaring of the lion unnerved me for an + instant, or rather nerved me on to a spurt, which + left the lion slightly more to the rear—and which + resulted in the saving of my life; for as I ran on, + what should I see about a mile ahead but another + slippery elm tree, and under it stood a giraffe who + had apparently fallen asleep while browsing among + its upper branches, and filling its stomach with its + cooling cocoanuts. The giraffe had its back to me, + and as I sped on I formed my plan. I would grab + hold of the giraffe’s tail; haul myself up onto his + back; climb up his neck into the tree, and then give + my benefactor a blow between the eyes which would + send him flying across the desert before the lion + could come along and get up into the tree the same + way I did. The agony of fear I went through as I + approached the long-necked creature was something + <a class="pagenum" id="page93" title="93"> </a>dreadful. Suppose the giraffe should be awakened + by the roaring of the lion before I got there + and should rush off himself to escape the fate that + awaited me? I nearly dropped, I was so nervous, + and the lion was now not more than a hundred + yards away. I could hear his breath as he came + panting on. I redoubled my speed; his pants came + closer, closer, until at length after what seemed a + year, I reached the giraffe, caught his tail, raised + myself up to his back, crawled along his neck and + dropped fainting into the tree just as the lion + sprang upon the giraffe’s back and came on toward + me. What happened then I don’t know, for as I + have told you I swooned away; but I do know that + when I came to, the giraffe had disappeared and + the lion lay at the foot of the tree dead from a + broken neck.”</p> + + <div id="illo07" class="illo"> + <a href="images/illo07.jpg"><img src="images/illo07-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="416" alt="The Baron climbs a giraffe's neck" /></a> + <p class="caption">“I reached the giraffe, raised myself to his + back, crawled along his neck and dropped + fainting into the tree.” <span class="illo_ch">Chapter VIII.</span></p> + </div> + + <p>“A broken neck?” demanded Sapphira.</p> + + <p>“Yes,” returned the Baron. “A broken neck! + From which I concluded that as the lion reached + the nape of the giraffe’s neck, the giraffe had + waked up and bent his head toward the earth, + <a class="pagenum" id="page94" title="94"> </a>thus causing the lion to fall head first to the ground + instead of landing as he had expected in the tree + with me.”</p> + + <p>“It was wonderful,” said Sapphira, scornfully.</p> + + <p>“Yes,” said Ananias, “but I shouldn’t think a + lion could break his neck falling off a giraffe. Perhaps + it was one of the slippery elm cocoanuts that + fell on him.”</p> + + <p>“Well, of course,” said the Baron, rising, “that + would all depend upon the height of the giraffe. + Mine was the tallest one I ever saw.”</p> + + <p>“About how tall?” asked Ananias.</p> + + <p>“Well,” returned the Baron, thoughtfully, as if + calculating, “did you ever see the Eiffel Tower?”</p> + + <p>“Yes,” said Ananias.</p> + + <p>“Well,” observed the Baron, “I don’t think my + giraffe was more than half as tall as that.”</p> + + <p>With which estimate the Baron bowed his guests + out of the room, and with a placid smile on his + face, shook hands with himself.</p> + + <p>“Mr. and Mrs. Ananias are charming people,” + he chuckled, “but amateurs both—deadly amateurs.”</p> + + <!-- Original location of illo07 --> + </div> + <div id="chapter_9" class="chapter"><a class="pagenum" id="page95" title="95"> </a> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="nine">IX</span><br />DECORATION DAY IN THE CANNIBAL ISLANDS</h2> + + <p class="first_paragraph">“<span class="first_word">Uncle Munch</span>,” said Diavolo as he clambered + up into the old warrior’s lap, “I + don’t suppose you could tell us a story about Decoration + Day could you?”</p> + + <p>“I think I might try,” said Mr. Munchausen, + puffing thoughtfully upon his cigar and making a + ring with the smoke for Angelica to catch upon her + little thumb. “I might try—but it will all depend + upon whether you want me to tell you about Decoration + Day as it is celebrated in the United States, + or the way a band of missionaries I once knew in + the Cannibal Islands observed it for twenty years + or more.”</p> + + <p>“Why can’t we have both stories?” said Angelica. + “I think that would be the nicest way. + Two stories is twice as good as one.”</p> + + <p>“Well, I don’t know,” returned Mr. Munchausen. + “You see the trouble is that in the first instance + I could tell you only what a beautiful thing + it is that every year the people have a day set apart + <a class="pagenum" id="page96" title="96"> </a>upon which they especially honour the memory of + the noble fellows who lost their lives in defence of + their country. I’m not much of a poet and it takes + a poet to be able to express how beautiful and + grand it all is, and so I should be afraid to try + it. Besides it might sadden your little hearts to + have me dwell upon the almost countless number + of heroes who let themselves be killed so that their + fellow-citizens might live in peace and happiness. + I’d have to tell you about hundreds and hundreds + of graves scattered over the battle fields that no + one knows about, and which, because no one knows + of them, are not decorated at all, unless Nature + herself is kind enough to let a little dandelion or + a daisy patch into the secret, so that they may grow + on the green grass above these forgotten, unknown + heroes who left their homes, were shot down and + never heard of afterwards.”</p> + + <p>“Does all heroes get killed?” asked Angelica.</p> + + <p>“No,” said Mr. Munchausen. “I and a great + many others lived through the wars and are living + yet.”</p> + + <p>“Well, how about the missionaries?” said Diavolo. + <a class="pagenum" id="page97" title="97"> </a>“I didn’t know they had Decoration Day in + the Cannibal Islands.”</p> + + <p>“I didn’t either until I got there,” returned the + Baron. “But they have and they have it in July + instead of May. It was one of the most curious + things I ever saw and the natives, the men who + used to be cannibals, like it so much that if the + missionaries were to forget it they’d either remind + them of it or have a celebration of their own. I + don’t know whether I ever told you about my first + experience with the cannibals—did I?”</p> + + <p>“I don’t remember it, but if you had I would + have,” said Diavolo.</p> + + <p>“So would I,” said Angelica. “I remember + most everything you say, except when I want you + to say it over again, and even then I haven’t forgotten + it.”</p> + + <p>“Well, it happened this way,” said the Baron. + “It was when I was nineteen years old. I sort of + thought at that time I’d like to be a sailor, and as + my father believed in letting me try whatever I + wanted to do I took a position as first mate of a + steam brig that plied between San Francisco and + <a class="pagenum" id="page98" title="98"> </a>Nepaul, taking San Francisco canned tomatoes to + Nepaul and bringing Nepaul pepper back to San + Francisco, making several dollars both ways. Perhaps + I ought to explain to you that Nepaul pepper + is red, and hot; not as hot as a furnace fire, but + hot enough for your papa and myself when we + order oysters at a club and have them served so cold + that we think they need a little more warmth to + make them palatable and digestible. You are not + yet old enough to know the meaning of such words + as palatable and digestible, but some day you will + be and then you’ll know what your Uncle means. + At any rate it was on the return voyage from + Nepaul that the water tank on the <em>Betsy S.</em> went + stale and we had to stop at the first place we + could to fill it up with fresh water. So we sailed + along until we came in sight of an Island and the + Captain appointed me and two sailors a committee + of three to go ashore and see if there was a spring + anywhere about. We went, and the first thing we + knew we were in the midst of a lot of howling, + hungry savages, who were crazy to eat us. My + companions were eaten, but when it came to my + <a class="pagenum" id="page99" title="99"> </a>turn I tried to reason with the chief. ‘Now + see here, my friend,’ said I, ‘I’m perfectly willing + to be served up at your breakfast, if I + can only be convinced that you will enjoy eating + me. What I don’t want is to have my life + wasted!’ ‘That’s reasonable enough,’ said he. + ‘Have you got a sample of yourself along for me + to taste?’ ‘I have,’ I replied, taking out a bottle + of Nepaul pepper, that by rare good luck I happened + to have in my pocket. ‘That is a portion of + my left foot powdered. It will give you some idea + of what I taste like,’ I added. ‘If you like that, + you’ll like me. If you don’t, you won’t.’”</p> + + <p>“That was fine,” said Diavolo. “You told pretty + near the truth, too, Uncle Munch, because you are + hot stuff yourself, ain’t you?”</p> + + <p>“I am so considered, my boy,” said Mr. Munchausen. + “The chief took a teaspoonful of the pepper + down at a gulp, and let me go when he recovered. + He said he guessed I wasn’t quite his style, + and he thought I’d better depart before I set fire to + the town. So I filled up the water bag, got into the + row-boat, and started back to the ship, but the + <a class="pagenum" id="page100" title="100"> </a><em>Betsy S.</em> had gone and I was forced to row all the + way to San Francisco, one thousand, five hundred + and sixty-two miles distant. The captain and crew + had given us all up for lost. I covered the distance + in six weeks, living on water and Nepaul + pepper, and when I finally reached home, I told my + father that, after all, I was not so sure that I liked + a sailor’s life. But I never forgot those cannibals + or their island, as you may well imagine. They + and their home always interested me hugely and I + resolved if the fates ever drove me that way again, + I would go ashore and see how the people were getting + on. The fates, however, were a long time in + drawing me that way again, for it was not until + July, ten years ago that I reached there the second + time. I was off on a yachting trip, with an English + friend, when one afternoon we dropped anchor off + that Cannibal Island.</p> + + <p>“‘Let’s go ashore,’ said I. ‘What for?’ said + my host; and then I told him the story and we went, + and it was well we did so, for it was then and there + that I discovered the new way the missionaries had + of celebrating Decoration Day.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page101" title="101"> </a>“No sooner had we landed than we noticed that + the Island had become civilised. There were + churches, and instead of tents and mud-hovels, + beautiful residences appeared here and there, + through the trees. ‘I fancy this isn’t the island,’ + said my host. ‘There aren’t any cannibals about + here.’ I was about to reply indignantly, for I was + afraid he was doubting the truth of my story, when + from the top of a hill, not far distant, we heard + strains of music. We went to see whence it came, + and what do you suppose we saw? Five hundred + villainous looking cannibals marching ten abreast + along a fine street, and, cheering them from the + balconies of the houses that fronted on the highway, + were the missionaries and their friends and their + children and their wives.</p> + + <p>“‘This can’t be the place, after all,’ said my + host again.</p> + + <p>“‘Yes it is,’ said I, ‘only it has been converted. + They must be celebrating some native festival.’ + Then as I spoke the procession stopped and the + head missionary followed by a band of beautiful + girls, came down from a platform and placed garlands + <a class="pagenum" id="page102" title="102"> </a>of flowers and beautiful wreaths on the shoulders + and heads of those reformed cannibals. In + less than an hour every one of the huge black fellows + was covered with roses and pinks and fragrant + flowers of all kinds, and then they started on parade + again. It was a fine sight, but I couldn’t understand + what it was all done for until that night, + when I dined with the head missionary—and what + do you suppose it was?”</p> + + <p>“I give it up,” said Diavolo, “maybe the missionaries + thought the cannibals didn’t have enough + clothes on.”</p> + + <p>“I guess I can’t guess,” said Angelica.</p> + + <p>“They were celebrating Decoration Day,” said + Mr. Munchausen. “They were strewing flowers on + the graves of departed missionaries.”</p> + + <div id="illo08" class="illo"> + <a href="images/illo08.jpg"><img src="images/illo08-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="412" alt="A man is putting a flower necklace on a 'savage'" /></a> + <p class="caption">“They were celebrating Decoration Day … + strewing flowers on the graves of departed + missionaries.” <span class="illo_ch">Chapter IX.</span></p> + </div> + + <p>“You didn’t tell us about any graves,” said + Diavolo.</p> + + <p>“Why certainly I did,” said the Baron. “The + cannibals themselves were the only graves those + poor departed missionaries ever had. Every one of + those five hundred savages was the grave of a missionary, + my dears, and having been converted, and <!-- Original location of illo08 --> + <a class="pagenum" id="page103" title="103"> </a>taught that it was not good to eat their fellow-men, + they did all in their power afterwards to show their + repentance, keeping alive the memory of the men + they had treated so badly by decorating themselves + on memorial day—and one old fellow, the savagest + looking, but now the kindest-hearted being in the + world, used always to wear about his neck a huge + sign, upon which he had painted in great black + letters:</p> + + <div id="fig01" class="fig"> + <img src="images/fig01.jpg" width="400" height="285" alt="" /> + <p class="offscreen">HERE LIES<br /> + JOHN THOMAS WILKINS,<br /> + SAILOR.<br /> + DEPARTED THIS LIFE, MAY 24TH, 1861.<br /> + HE WAS A MAN OF SPLENDID TASTE.</p> + </div> + + <p>“The old cannibal had eaten Wilkins and later + when he had been converted and realised that he + himself was the grave of a worthy man, as an expiation + he devoted his life to the memory of John + <a class="pagenum" id="page104" title="104"> </a>Thomas Wilkins, and as a matter of fact, on the + Cannibal Island Decoration Day he would lie flat + on the floor all the day, groaning under the weight + of a hundred potted plants, which he placed upon + himself in memory of Wilkins.”</p> + + <p>Here Mr. Munchausen paused for breath, and + the twins went out into the garden to try to imagine + with the aid of a few practical experiments how a + cannibal would look with a hundred potted plants + adorning his person.</p> + </div> + <div id="chapter_10" class="chapter"><a class="pagenum" id="page105" title="105"> </a> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="ten">X</span><br />MR. MUNCHAUSEN’S ADVENTURE WITH A SHARK</h2> + + <div id="fig02" class="fig"> + <img src="images/fig02.jpg" width="400" height="194" alt="" /> + <p class="offscreen">Mr. and Mrs. Henry B. Ananias.<br /> + <em>THURSDAYS.</em> <em>CIMMERIA.</em></p> + </div> + + <p class="first_paragraph"><span class="first_word">This</span> was the card sent by the reporter of the + <cite>Gehenna Gazette</cite>, and Mrs. Ananias to Mr. + Munchausen upon his return from a trip to mortal + realms concerning which many curious reports + have crept into circulation. Owing to a rumour + persistently circulated at one time, Mr. Munchausen + had been eaten by a shark, and it was with + the intention of learning, if possible, the basis for + the rumour that Ananias and Sapphira called upon + the redoubtable Baron of other days.</p> + + <p>Mr. Munchausen graciously received the callers + and asked what he could do for them.</p> + + <p>“Our readers, Mr. Munchausen,” explained Ananias, + <a class="pagenum" id="page106" title="106"> </a>“have been much concerned over rumours of + your death at the hands of a shark.”</p> + + <p>“Sharks have no hands,” said the Baron quietly.</p> + + <p>“Well—that aside,” observed Ananias. “Were + you killed by a shark?”</p> + + <p>“Not that I recall,” said the Baron. “I may + have been, but I don’t remember it. Indeed I recall + only one adventure with a shark. That grew out + of my mission on behalf of France to the Czar of + Russia. I carried letters once from the King of + France to his Imperial Coolness the Czar.”</p> + + <p>“What was the nature of the letters?” asked + Ananias.</p> + + <p>“I never knew,” replied the Baron. “As I have + said, it was a secret mission, and the French Government + never took me into its confidence. The + only thing I know about it is that I was sent to St. + Petersburg, and I went, and in the course of time + I made myself much beloved of both the people and + his Majesty the Czar. I am the only person that + ever lived that was liked equally by both, and if I + had attached myself permanently to the Czar, Russia + would have been a different country to-day.”</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page107" title="107"> </a>“What country would it have been, Mr. Munchausen,” + asked Sapphira innocently, “Germany + or Siam?”</p> + + <p>“I can’t specify, my dear madame,” the Baron + replied. “It wouldn’t be fair. But, at any rate, I + went to Russia, and was treated warmly by everybody, + except the climate, which was, as it is at all + times, very freezing. That’s the reason the Russian + people like the climate. It is the only thing the + Czar can’t change by Imperial decree, and the + people admire its independence and endure it for + that reason. But as I have said, everybody was + pleased with me, and the Czar showed me unusual + attention. He gave fêtes in my honour. He gave + the most princely dinners, and I met the very best + people in St. Petersburg, and at one of these dinners + I was invited to join a yachting party on a + cruise around the world.</p> + + <p>“Well, of course, though a landsman in every + sense of the word, I am fond of yachting, and I + immediately accepted the invitation. The yacht + we went on was the Boomski Zboomah, belonging + to Prince—er—now what was that Prince’s name! + <a class="pagenum" id="page108" title="108"> </a>Something like—er—Sheeroff or Jibski—or—er—well, + never mind that. I meet so many princes it is + difficult to remember their names. We’ll say his + name was Jibski.”</p> + + <p>“Suppose we do,” said Ananias, with a jealous + grin. “Jibski is such a remarkable name. It will + look well in print.”</p> + + <p>“All right,” said the Baron, “Jibski be it. The + yacht belonged to Prince Jibski, and she was a + beauty. There was a stateroom and a steward for + everybody on board, and nothing that could contribute + to a man’s comfort was left unattended to. We + set sail on the 23rd of August, and after cruising + about the North coast of Europe for a week or two, + we steered the craft south, and along about the + middle of September we reached the Amphibian + Islands, and anchored. It was here that I had my + first and last experience with sharks. If they had + been plain, ordinary sharks I’d have had an easy + time of it, but when you get hold of these Amphibian + sharks you are likely to get yourself into + twenty-three different kinds of trouble.”</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page109" title="109"> </a>“My!” said Sapphira. “All those? Does the + number include being struck by lightning?”</p> + + <p>“Yes,” the Baron answered, “And when you + remember that there are only twenty-four different + kinds altogether you can see what a peck of trouble + an Amphibian shark can get you into. I thought + my last hour had come when I met with him. You + see when we reached the Amphibian Islands, we + naturally thought we’d like to go ashore and pick + the cocoanuts and raisins and other things that + grow there, and when I got upon dry land again + I felt strongly tempted to go down upon the beautiful + little beach in the harbour and take a swim. + Prince Jibski advised me against it, but I was set + upon going. He told me the place was full of + sharks, but I wasn’t afraid because I was always + a remarkably rapid swimmer, and I felt confident + of my ability, in case I saw a shark coming after + me, to swim ashore before he could possibly catch + me, provided I had ten yards start. So in I went + leaving my gun and clothing on the beach. Oh, it + was fun! The water was quite warm, and the + <a class="pagenum" id="page110" title="110"> </a>sandy bottom of the bay was deliciously soft and + pleasant to the feet. I suppose I must have + sported in the waves for ten or fifteen minutes + before the trouble came. I had just turned a somersault + in the water, when, as my head came to + the surface, I saw directly in front of me, the + unmistakable fin of a shark, and to my unspeakable + dismay not more than five feet away. As I told + you, if it had been ten yards away I should have + had no fear, but five feet meant another story altogether. + My heart fairly jumped into my mouth. It + would have sunk into my boots if I had had them on, + but I hadn’t, so it leaped upward into my mouth as + I turned to swim ashore, by which time the shark + had reduced the distance between us by one foot. + I feared that all was up with me, and was trying + to think of an appropriate set of last words, when + Prince Jibski, noting my peril, fired one of the + yacht’s cannon in our direction. Ordinarily this + would have been useless, for the yacht’s cannon + was never loaded with anything but a blank charge, + but in this instance it was better than if it had been + loaded with ball and shot, for not only did the + <a class="pagenum" id="page111" title="111"> </a>sound of the explosion attract the attention of the + shark and cause him to pause for a moment, but + also the wadding from the gun dropped directly + upon my back, so showing that Prince Jibski’s aim + was not as good as it might have been. Had the + cannon been loaded with a ball or a shell, you can + very well understand how it would have happened + that yours truly would have been killed then and + there.”</p> + + <p>“We should have missed you,” said Ananias + sweetly.</p> + + <p>“Thanks,” said the Baron. “But to resume. + The shark’s pause gave me the start I needed, and + the heat from the burning wadding right between + my shoulders caused me to redouble my efforts to + get away from the shark and it, so that I never + swam faster in my life, and was soon standing upon + the shore, jeering at my fearful pursuer, who, + strange to say, showed no inclination to stop the + chase now that I was, as I thought, safely out of + his reach. I didn’t jeer very long I can tell you, for + in another minute I saw why the shark didn’t stop + chasing me, and why Amphibian sharks are worse + <a class="pagenum" id="page112" title="112"> </a>than any other kind. That shark had not only fins + like all other sharks to swim with, but he had likewise + three pairs of legs that he could use on land + quite as well as he could use the fins in the water. + And then began the prettiest chase you ever saw in + your life. As he emerged from the water I grabbed + up my gun and ran. Round and round the island + we tore, I ahead, he thirty or forty yards behind, + until I got to a place where I could stop running + and take a hasty shot at him. Then I aimed, and + fired. My aim was good, but struck one of the + huge creature’s teeth, broke it off short, and + bounded off to one side. This made him more angry + than ever, and he redoubled his efforts to catch me. + I redoubled mine, until I could get another shot at + him. The second shot, like the first, struck the + creature in the teeth, only this time it was more + effective. The bullet hit his jaw lengthwise, and + knocked every tooth on that side of his head down + his throat. So it went. I ran. He pursued. I + fired; he lost his teeth, until finally I had knocked + out every tooth he had, and then, of course, I + wasn’t afraid of him, and let him come up with + <a class="pagenum" id="page113" title="113"> </a>me. With his teeth he could have ground me to + atoms at one bite. Without them he was as + powerless as a bowl of currant jelly, and when he + opened his huge jaws, as he supposed to bite me + in two, he was the most surprised looking fish you + ever saw on land or sea to discover that the effect + his jaws had upon my safety was about as great as + had they been nothing but two feather bed mattresses.”</p> + + <p>“You must have been badly frightened, though,” + said Ananias.</p> + + <p>“No,” said the Baron. “I laughed in the poor + disappointed thing’s face, and with a howl of despair, + he rushed back into the sea again. I made + the best time I could back to the yacht for fear he + might return with assistance.”</p> + + <div id="illo09" class="illo"> + <a href="images/illo09.jpg"><img src="images/illo09-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="415" alt="Baron taunts a disappointed shark-with-feet." /></a> + <p class="caption">“I laughed in the poor disappointed thing’s + face, and with a howl of despair he rushed + back into the sea.” <span class="illo_ch">Chapter X.</span></p> + </div> + + <p>“And didn’t you ever see him again, Baron?” + asked Sapphira.</p> + + <p>“Yes, but only from the deck of the yacht as + we were weighing anchor,” said Mr. Munchausen. + “I saw him and a dozen others like him doing precisely + what I thought they would do, going ashore + to search me out so as to have a little cold Munch + <a class="pagenum" id="page114" title="114"> </a>for dinner. I’m glad they were disappointed, aren’t + you?”</p> + + <p>“Yes, indeed,” said Ananias and Sapphira, but + not warmly.</p> + + <p>Ananias was silent for a moment, and then walking + over to one of the bookcases, he returned in a + moment, bringing with him a huge atlas.</p> + + <p>“Where are the Amphibian Islands, Mr. Munchausen?” + he said, opening the book. “Show them + to me on the map. I’d like to print the map with + my story.”</p> + + <p>“Oh, I can’t do that,” said the Baron, “because + they aren’t on the map any more. When I got back + to Europe and told the map-makers about the dangers + to man on those islands, they said that the + interests of humanity demanded that they be lost. + So they took them out of all the geographies, and + all the cyclopædias, and all the other books, so that + nobody ever again should be tempted to go there; + and there isn’t a school-teacher or a sailor in the + world to-day who could tell you where they are.”</p> + + <p>“But, you know, don’t you?” persisted Ananias.</p> + + <p>“Well, I did,” said the Baron; “but, really I <!-- original location of illo09 --> + <a class="pagenum" id="page115" title="115"> </a>have had to remember so many other things that I + have forgotten that. All that I know is that they + were named from the fact that they were infested + by Amphibious animals, which are animals that + can live on land as well as on water.”</p> + + <p>“How strange!” said Sapphira.</p> + + <p>“It’s just too queer for anything,” said Ananias, + “but on the whole I’m not surprised.”</p> + + <p>And the Baron said he was glad to hear it.</p> + </div> + <div id="chapter_11" class="chapter"><a class="pagenum" id="page116" title="116"> </a> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="eleven">XI</span><br />THE BARON AS A RUNNER</h2> + <p class="first_paragraph"><span class="first_word">The</span> Twins had been on the lookout for the + Baron for at least an hour, and still he did + not come, and the little Imps were beginning to feel + blue over the prospect of getting the usual Sunday + afternoon story. It was past four o’clock, and + for as long a time as they could remember the + Baron had never failed to arrive by three o’clock. + All sorts of dreadful possibilities came up before + their mind’s eye. They pictured the Baron in accidents + of many sorts. They conjured up visions of + him lying wounded beneath the ruins of an apartment + house, or something else equally heavy that + might have fallen upon him on his way from his + rooms to the station, but that he was more than + wounded they did not believe, for they knew that + the Baron was not the sort of man to be killed by + anything killing under the sun.</p> + + <p>“I wonder where he can be?” said Angelica, + uneasily to her brother, who was waiting with + equal anxiety for their common friend.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page117" title="117"> </a>“Oh, he’s all right!” said Diavolo, with a confidence + he did not really feel. “He’ll turn up all + right, and even if he’s two hours late he’ll be here + on time according to his own watch. Just you + wait and see.”</p> + + <p>And they did wait and they did see. They waited + for ten minutes, when the Baron drove up, smiling + as ever, but apparently a little out of breath. I + should not dare to say that he was really out of + breath, but he certainly did seem to be so, for he + panted visibly, and for two or three minutes after + his arrival was quite unable to ask the Imps the + usual question as to their very good health. + Finally, however, the customary courtesies of the + greeting were exchanged, and the decks were + cleared for action.</p> + + <p>“What kept you, Uncle Munch?” asked the + Twins, as they took up their usual position on the + Baron’s knees.</p> + + <p>“What what?” replied the warrior. “Kept me? + Why, am I late?”</p> + + <p>“Two hours,” said the Twins. “Dad gave you + up and went out for a walk.”</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page118" title="118"> </a>“Nonsense,” said the Baron. “I’m never that + late.”</p> + + <p>Here he looked at his watch.</p> + + <p>“Why I do seem to be behind time. There must + be something wrong with our time-pieces. I can’t + be two hours late, you know.”</p> + + <p>“Well, let’s say you are on time, then,” said the + Twins. “What kept you?”</p> + + <p>“A very funny accident on the railroad,” said the + Baron lighting a cigar. “Queerest accident that + ever happened to me on the railroad, too. Our + engine ran away.”</p> + + <p>The Twins laughed as if they thought the Baron + was trying to fool them.</p> + + <p>“Really,” said the Baron. “I left town as usual + on the two o’clock train, which, as you know, comes + through in half an hour, without a stop. Everything + went along smoothly until we reached the + Vitriol Reservoir, when much to the surprise of + everybody the train came to a stand-still. I supposed + there was a cow on the track, and so kept + in my seat for three or four minutes as did every + one else. Finally the conductor came through and + <a class="pagenum" id="page119" title="119"> </a>called to the brakeman at the end of our car to see + if his brakes were all right.</p> + + <p>“‘It’s the most unaccountable thing,’ he said to + me. ‘Here’s this train come to a dead stop and I + can’t see why. There isn’t a brake out of order on + any one of the cars, and there isn’t any earthly reason + why we shouldn’t go ahead.’</p> + + <p>“‘Maybe somebody’s upset a bottle of glue on + the track,’ said I. I always like to chaff the conductor, + you know, though as far as that is concerned, + I remember once when I was travelling on a South + American Railway our train was stopped by highwaymen, + who smeared the tracks with a peculiar + sort of gum. They’d spread it over three miles of + track, and after the train had gone lightly over two + miles of it the wheels stuck so fast ten engines + couldn’t have moved it. That was a terrible affair.”</p> + + <p>“I don’t think we ever heard of that, did we?” + asked Angelica.</p> + + <p>“I don’t remember it,” said Diavolo.</p> + + <p>“Well, you would have remembered it, if you had + ever heard of it,” said the Baron. “It was too + dreadful to be forgotten—not for us, you know, + <a class="pagenum" id="page120" title="120"> </a>but for the robbers. It was one of the Imperial + trains in Brazil, and if it hadn’t been for me the + Emperor would have been carried off and held for + ransom. The train was brought to a stand-still by + this gluey stuff, as I have told you, and the desperadoes + boarded the cars and proceeded to rifle us of + our possessions. The Emperor was in the car back + of mine, and the robbers made directly for him, + but fathoming their intention I followed close upon + their heels.</p> + + <p>“‘You are our game,’ said the chief robber, tapping + the Emperor on the shoulder, as he entered + the Imperial car.</p> + + <p>“‘Hands off,’ I cried throwing the ruffian to one + side.</p> + + <p>“He scowled dreadfully at me, the Emperor + looked surprised, and another one of the robbers + requested to know who was I that I should speak + with so much authority. ‘Who am I?’ said I, with + a wink at the Emperor. ‘Who am I? Who else + but Baron Munchausen of the Bodenwerder + National Guard, ex-friend of Napoleon of France, + intimate of the Mikado of Japan, and famed the + <a class="pagenum" id="page121" title="121"> </a>world over as the deadliest shot in two hemispheres.’</p> + + <p>“The desperadoes paled visibly as I spoke, and + after making due apologies for interfering with the + train, fled shrieking from the car. They had heard + of me before.</p> + + <p>“‘I thank you, sir,’ began the Emperor, as the + would-be assassins fled, but I cut him short. ‘They + must not be allowed to escape,’ I said, and with that + I started in pursuit of the desperate fellows, overtook + them, and glued them with the gum they had + prepared for our detention to the face of a precipice + that rose abruptly from the side of the railway, + one hundred and ten feet above the level. There I + left them. We melted the glue from the tracks + by means of our steam heating apparatus, and were + soon booming merrily on our way to Rio Janeiro + when I was fêted and dined continuously for weeks + by the people, though strange to say the Emperor’s + behaviour toward me was very cool.”</p> + + <p>“And did the robbers ever get down?” asked the + Twins.</p> + + <p>“Yes, but not in a way they liked,” Mr. Munchausen + <a class="pagenum" id="page122" title="122"> </a>replied. “The sun came out, and after a + week or two melted the glue that held them to the + precipice, whereupon they fell to its base and were + shattered into pieces so small there wasn’t an atom + of them to be found when a month later I passed + that way again on my return trip.”</p> + + <p>“And didn’t the Emperor treat you well, Uncle + Munch?” asked the Imps.</p> + + <p>“No—as I told you he was very cool towards + me, and I couldn’t understand it, then, but I do + now,” said the Baron. “You see he was very much + in need of ready cash, the Emperor was, and as the + taxpayers were already growling about the expenses + of the Government he didn’t dare raise the + money by means of a tax. So he arranged with the + desperadoes to stop the train, capture him, and + hold him for ransom. Then when the ransom came + along he was going to divide up with them. My + sudden appearance, coupled with my determination + to rescue him, spoiled his plan, you see, and so he + naturally wasn’t very grateful. Poor fellow, I was + very sorry for it afterward, because he really was + an excellent ruler, and his plan of raising the + <a class="pagenum" id="page123" title="123"> </a>money he needed wasn’t a bit less honest than most + other ways rulers employ to obtain revenue for + State purposes.”</p> + + <p>“Well, now, let’s get back to the runaway engine,” + said the Twins. “You can tell us more + about South America after you get through with + that. How did the engine come to run away?”</p> + + <p>“It was simple enough,” said the Baron. “The + engineer, after starting the train came back into the + smoking car to get a light for his pipe, and while he + was there the coupling-pin between the engine and + the train broke, and off skipped the engine twice as + fast as it had been going before. The relief from the + weight of the train set its pace to a mile a minute + instead of a mile in two minutes, and there we were + at a dead stop in front of the Vitriol Station with + nothing to move us along. When the engineer saw + what had happened he fainted dead away, because + you know if a collision had occurred between the + runaway engine and the train ahead he would have + been held responsible.”</p> + + <p>“Couldn’t the fireman stop the engine?” asked + the Twins.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page124" title="124"> </a>“No. That is, it wouldn’t be his place to do it, + and these railway fellows are queer about that + sort of thing,” said the Baron. “The engineers + would go out upon a strike if the railroad were to + permit a stoker to manage the engine, and besides + that the stoker wouldn’t undertake to do it at a + stoker’s wages, so there wasn’t any help to be + looked for there. The conductor happened to be + nearsighted, and so he didn’t find out that the engine + was missing until he had wasted ten or twenty + minutes examining the brakes, by which time, of + course, the runaway was miles and miles up the + track. Then the engineer came to, and began to + wring his hands and moan in a way that was heart-rending. + The conductor, too, began to cry, and all + the brakemen left the train and took to the woods. + They weren’t going to have any of the responsibility + for the accident placed on their shoulders. Whether + they will ever turn up again I don’t know. But I + realised as soon as anybody else that something + had to be done, so I rushed into the telegraph office + and telegraphed to all the station masters between + the Vitriol Reservoir and Cimmeria to clear the + <a class="pagenum" id="page125" title="125"> </a>track of all trains, freight, local, or express, or + somebody would be hurt, and that I myself would + undertake to capture the runaway engine. This + they all promised to do, whereupon I bade good-bye + to my fellow-travellers, and set off up the track + myself at full speed. In a minute I strode past + Sulphur Springs, covering at least eight ties at a + stretch. In two minutes I thundered past Lava + Hurst, where I learned that the engine had twenty + miles start of me. I made a rapid calculation mentally—I + always was strong in mental arithmetic, + which showed that unless I was tripped up or got + side-tracked somewhere I might overtake the runaway + before it reached Noxmere. Redoubling my + efforts, my stride increased to twenty ties at a + jump, and I made the next five miles in two minutes. + It sounds impossible, but really it isn’t so. + It is hard to run as fast as that at the start, but + when you have got your start the impetus gathered + in the first mile’s run sends you along faster in the + second, and so your speed increases by its own force + until finally you go like the wind. At Gasdale I + had gained two miles on the engine, at Sneakskill + <a class="pagenum" id="page126" title="126"> </a>I was only fifteen miles behind, and upon my arrival + at Noxmere there was scarcely a mile between + me and the fugitive. Unfortunately a large crowd + had gathered at Noxmere to see me pass through, + and some small boy had brought a dog along with + him and the dog stood directly in my path. If I + ran over the dog it would kill him and might trip + me up. If I jumped with the impetus I had there + was no telling where I would land. It was a hard + point to decide either way, but I decided in favour + of the jump, simply to save the dog’s life, for I love + animals. I landed three miles up the road and + ahead of the engine, though I didn’t know that + until I had run ten miles farther on, leaving the + engine a hundred yards behind me at every stride. + It was at Miasmatica that I discovered my error + and then I tried to stop. It was almost in vain; + I dragged my feet over the ties, but could only slow + down to a three-minute gait. Then I tried to turn + around and slow up running backward; this + brought my speed down ten minutes to the mile, + which made it safe for me to run into a hay-stack + at the side of the railroad just this side of Cimmeria. <!-- Original location of illo10 --> + <a class="pagenum" id="page127" title="127"> </a>Then, of course, I was all right. I could sit down + and wait for the engine, which came booming along + forty minutes later. As it approached I prepared + to board it, and in five minutes was in full control. + That made it easy enough for me to get back here + without further trouble. I simply reversed the + lever, and back we came faster than I can describe, + and just one hour and a half from the time of the + mishap the runaway engine was restored to its + deserted train and I reached your station here in + good order. I should have walked up, but for my + weariness after that exciting run, which as you see + left me very much out of breath, and which made it + necessary for me to hire that worn-out old hack + instead of walking up as is my wont.”</p> + + <div id="illo10" class="illo"> + <a href="images/illo10.jpg"><img src="images/illo10-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="418" alt="Baron barrels into a haystack" /></a> + <p class="caption">“This brought my speed down ten minutes + to the mile, which made it safe for me to run + into a haystack.” <span class="illo_ch">Chapter XI.</span></p> + </div> + + <p>“Yes, we see you are out of breath,” said the + Twins, as the Baron paused. “Would you like to + lie down and take a rest?”</p> + + <p>“Above all things,” said the Baron. “I’ll take + a nap here until your father returns,” which he proceeded + at once to do.</p> + + <p>While he slept the two Imps gazed at him curiously, + Angelica, a little suspiciously.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page128" title="128"> </a>“Bub,” said she, in a whisper, “do you think + that was a true story?”</p> + + <p>“Well, I don’t know,” said Diavolo. “If anybody + else than Uncle Munch had told it, I wouldn’t + have believed it. But he hates untruth. I know + because he told me so.”</p> + + <p>“That’s the way I feel about it,” said Angelica. + “Of course, he can run as fast as that, because he + is very strong, but what I can’t see is how an engine + ever could run away from its train.”</p> + + <p>“That’s what stumps me,” said Diavolo.</p> + </div> + <div id="chapter_12" class="chapter"><a class="pagenum" id="page129" title="129"> </a> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="twelve">XII</span><br /> + MR. MUNCHAUSEN MEETS HIS MATCH</h2> + + <p class="editor_note">(Reported by Henry W. Ananias for the <cite>Gehenna Gazette</cite>.)</p> + + <p class="first_paragraph"><span class="first_word">When</span> Mr. Munchausen, accompanied by Ananias + and Sapphira, after a long and + tedious journey from Cimmeria to the cool and + wooded heights of the Blue Sulphur Mountains, + entered the portals of the hotel where the greater + part of his summers are spent, the first person to + greet him was Beelzebub Sandboy,—the curly-headed + Imp who acted as “Head Front” of the + Blue Sulphur Mountain House, his eyes a-twinkle + and his swift running feet as ever ready for a trip + to any part of the hostelry and back. Beelzy, as + the Imp was familiarly known, as the party entered, + was in the act of carrying a half-dozen pitchers + of iced-water upstairs to supply thirsty guests + with the one thing needful and best to quench that + thirst, and in his excitement at catching sight once + again of his ancient friend the Baron, managed to + drop two of the pitchers with a loud crash upon + the office floor. This, however, was not noticed by + <a class="pagenum" id="page130" title="130"> </a>the powers that ruled. Beelzy was not perfect, + and as long as he smashed less than six pitchers a + day on an average the management was disposed + not to complain.</p> + + <p>“There goes my friend Beelzy,” said the Baron, + as the pitchers fell. “I am delighted to see him. I + was afraid he would not be here this year since I + understand he has taken up the study of theology.”</p> + + <p>“Theology?” cried Ananias. “In Hades?”</p> + + <p>“How foolish,” said Sapphira. “We don’t need + preachers here.”</p> + + <p>“He’d make an excellent one,” said Mr. Munchausen. + “He is a lad of wide experience and his + fish and bear stories are wonderful. If he can make + them gee, as he would put it, with his doctrines he + would prove a tremendous success. Thousands + would flock to hear him for his bear stories alone. + As for the foolishness of his choice, I think it is a + very wise one. Everybody can’t be a stoker, you + know.”</p> + + <p>At any rate, whatever the reasons for Beelzebub’s + presence, whether he had given up the study of + theology or not, there he was plying his old vocation + <a class="pagenum" id="page131" title="131"> </a>with the same perfection of carelessness as of + yore, and apparently no farther along in the study + of theology than he was the year before when he + bade Mr. Munchausen “good-bye forever” with + the statement that now that he was going to lead + a pious life the chances were he’d never meet his + friend again.</p> + + <p>“I don’t see why they keep such a careless boy as + that,” said Sapphira, as Beelzy at the first landing + turned to grin at Mr. Munchausen, emptying the + contents of one of his pitchers into the lap of a + nervous old gentleman in the office below.</p> + + <p>“He adds an element of excitement to a not + over-exciting place,” explained Mr. Munchausen. + “On stormy days here the men make bets on what + fool thing Beelzy will do next. He blacked all the + russet shoes with stove polish one year, and last season + in the rush of his daily labours he filled up the + water-cooler with soft coal instead of ice. He’s a + great bell-boy, is my friend Beelzy.”</p> + + <p>A little while later when Mr. Munchausen and + his party had been shown to their suite, Beelzy + appeared in their drawing-room and was warmly + <a class="pagenum" id="page132" title="132"> </a>greeted by Mr. Munchausen, who introduced him to + Mr. and Mrs. Ananias.</p> + + <p>“Well,” said Mr. Munchausen, “you’re here + again, are you?”</p> + + <p>“No, indeed,” said Beelzy. “I ain’t here this + year. I’m over at the Coal-Yards shovellin’ snow. + I’m my twin brother that died three years before I + was born.”</p> + + <p>“How interesting,” said Sapphira, looking at + the boy through her lorgnette.</p> + + <p>Beelzy bowed in response to the compliment and + observed to the Baron:</p> + + <p>“You ain’t here yourself this season, be ye?”</p> + + <p>“No,” said Mr. Munchausen, drily. “I’ve gone + abroad. You’ve given up theology I presume?”</p> + + <p>“Sorter,” said Beelzy. “It was lonesome business + and I hadn’t been at it more’n twenty minutes + when I realised that bein’ a missionary ain’t all + jam and buckwheats. It’s kind o’ dangerous too, + and as I didn’t exactly relish the idea o’ bein’ et up + by Samoans an’ Feejees I made up my mind to give + it up an’ stick to bell-boyin’ for another season any + how; but I’ll see you later, Mr. Munchausen. I’ve + <a class="pagenum" id="page133" title="133"> </a>got to hurry along with this iced-water. It’s overdue + now, and we’ve got the kickinest lot o’ folks + here this year you ever see. One man here the other + night got as mad as hookey because it took forty + minutes to soft bile an egg. Said two minutes was + all that was necessary to bile an egg softer’n mush, + not understanding anything about the science of + eggs in a country where hens feeds on pebbles.”</p> + + <p>“Pebbles?” cried Mr. Munchausen. “What, do + they lay Roc’s eggs?”</p> + + <p>Beelzy grinned.</p> + + <p>“No, sir—they lay hen’s eggs all right, but + they’re as hard as Adam’s aunt.”</p> + + <p>“I never heard of chickens eating pebbles,” + observed Sapphira with a frown. “Do they really + relish them?”</p> + + <p>“I don’t know, Ma’am,” said Beelzy. “I ain’t + never been on speakin’ terms with the hens, Ma’am, + and they never volunteered no information. They + eat ’em just the same. They’ve got to eat something + and up here on these mountains there ain’t + anything but gravel for ’em to eat. That’s why + they do it. Then when it comes to the eggs, on a + <a class="pagenum" id="page134" title="134"> </a>diet like that, cobblestones ain’t in it with ’em for + hardness, and when you come to bite ’em it takes + a week to get ’em soft, an’ a steam drill to get ’em + open—an’ this feller kicked at forty minutes! Most + likely he’s swearin’ around upstairs now because + this iced-water ain’t came; and it ain’t more than + two hours since he ordered it neither.”</p> + + <p>“What an unreasonable gentleman,” said Sapphira.</p> + + <p>“Ain’t he though!” said Beelzy. “And he ain’t + over liberal neither. He’s been here two weeks now + and all the money I’ve got out of him was a five-dollar + bill I found on his bureau yesterday morning. + There’s more money in theology than there is + in him.”</p> + + <p>With this Beelzebub grabbed up the pitcher of + water, and bounded out of the room like a frightened + fawn. He disappeared into the dark of the + corridor, and a few moments later was evidently + tumbling head over heels up stairs, if the sounds + that greeted the ears of the party in the drawing-room + meant anything.</p> + + <p>The next morning when there was more leisure + <a class="pagenum" id="page135" title="135"> </a>for Beelzy the Baron inquired as to the state of his + health.</p> + + <p>“Oh it’s been pretty good,” said he. “Pretty + good. I’m all right now, barrin’ a little gout in my + right foot, and ice-water on my knee, an’ a crick in + my back, an’ a tired feelin’ all over me generally. + Ain’t had much to complain about. Had the measles + in December, and the mumps in February; an’ + along about the middle o’ May the whoopin’ cough + got a holt of me; but as it saved my life I oughtn’t + to kick about that.”</p> + + <p>Here Beelzy looked gratefully at an invisible + something—doubtless the recollection in the thin + air of his departed case of whooping cough, for having + rescued him from an untimely grave.</p> + + <p>“That is rather curious, isn’t it?” queried Sapphira, + gazing intently into the boy’s eyes. “I don’t + exactly understand how the whooping cough could + save anybody’s life, do you, Mr. Munchausen?”</p> + + <p>“Beelzy, this lady would have you explain the + situation, and I must confess that I am myself + somewhat curious to learn the details of this wonderful + rescue,” said Mr. Munchausen.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page136" title="136"> </a>“Well, I must say,” said Beelzy, with a pleased + smile at the very great consequence of his exploit in + the lady’s eyes, “if I was a-goin’ to start out to save + people’s lives generally I wouldn’t have thought + a case o’ whoopin’ cough would be of much use + savin’ a man from drownin’, and I’m sure if a feller + fell out of a balloon it wouldn’t help him much if + he had ninety dozen cases o’ whoopin’ cough concealed + on his person; but for just so long as I’m + the feller that has to come up here every June, an’ + shoo the bears out o’ the hotel, I ain’t never goin’ + to be without a spell of whoopin’ cough along about + that time if I can help it. I wouldn’t have been + here now if it hadn’t been for it.”</p> + + <p>“You referred just now,” said Sapphira, “to + shooing bears out of the hotel. May I inquire what + useful function in the ménage of a hotel a bear-shooer + performs?”</p> + + <p>“What useful what?” asked Beelzy.</p> + + <p>“Function—duty—what does the duty of a bear-shooer + consist in?” explained Mr. Munchausen. + “Is he a blacksmith who shoes bears instead of + horses?”</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page137" title="137"> </a>“He’s a bear-chaser,” explained Beelzy, “and + I’m it,” he added. “That, Ma’am, is the function + of a bear-shooer in the menagerie of a hotel.”</p> + + <p>Sapphira having expressed herself as satisfied, + Beelzebub continued.</p> + + <p>“You see this here house is shut up all winter, + and when everybody’s gone and left it empty the + bears come down out of the mountains and use it + instead of a cave. It’s more cosier and less + windier than their dens. So when the last guest + has gone, and all the doors are locked, and the band + gone into winter quarters, down come the bears + and take possession. They generally climb through + some open window somewhere. They divide up all + the best rooms accordin’ to their position in bear + society and settle down to a regular hotel life + among themselves.”</p> + + <p>“But what do they feed upon?” asked Sapphira.</p> + + <p>“Oh they’ll eat anything when they’re hungry,” + said Beelzy. “Sofa cushions, parlor rugs, hotel + registers—anything they can fasten their teeth to. + Last year they came in through the cupola, burrowin’ + <a class="pagenum" id="page138" title="138"> </a>down through the snow to get at it, and there + they stayed enjoyin’ life out o’ reach o’ the wind + and storm, snug’s bugs in rugs. Year before last + there must ha’ been a hundred of ’em in the hotel + when I got here, but one by one I got rid of ’em. + Some I smoked out with some cigars Mr. Munchausen + gave me the summer before; some I + deceived out, gettin’ ’em to chase me through the + winders, an’ then doublin’ back on my tracks an’ + lockin’ ’em out. It was mighty wearin’ work.</p> + + <p>“Last June there was twice as many. By actual + tab I shooed two hundred and eight bears and a + panther off into the mountains. When the last one + as I thought disappeared into the woods I searched + the house from top to bottom to see if there was + any more to be got rid of. Every blessed one of + the five hundred rooms I went through, and not a + bear was left that I could see. I can tell you, I + was glad, because there was a partickerly ugly run + of ’em this year, an’ they gave me a pile o’ trouble. + They hadn’t found much to eat in the hotel, an’ + they was disappointed and cross. As a matter of + <a class="pagenum" id="page139" title="139"> </a>fact, the only things they found in the place they + could eat was a piano stool and an old hair trunk + full o’ paper-covered novels, which don’t make a + very hearty meal for two hundred and eight bears + and a panther.”</p> + + <p>“I should say not,” said Sapphira, “particularly + if the novels were as light as most of them are + nowadays.”</p> + + <p>“I can’t say as to that,” said Beelzy. “I ain’t + got time to read ’em and so I ain’t any judge. But + all this time I was sufferin’ like hookey with awful + spasms of whoopin’ cough. I whooped so hard + once it smashed one o’ the best echoes in the place + all to flinders, an’ of course that made the work + twice as harder. So, naturally, when I found there + warn’t another bear left in the hotel, I just threw + myself down anywhere, and slept. My! how I + slept. I don’t suppose anything ever slept sounder’n + I did. And then it happened.”</p> + + <p>Beelzy gave his trousers a hitch and let his voice + drop to a stage whisper that lent a wondrous + impressiveness to his narration.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page140" title="140"> </a>“As I was a-layin’ there unconscious, dreamin’ + of home and father, a great big black hungry bruin + weighin’ six hundred and forty-three pounds, that + had been hidin’ in the bread oven in the bakery, + where I hadn’t thought of lookin’ for him, came + saunterin’ along, hummin’ a little tune all by himself, + and lickin’ his chops with delight at the idee + of havin’ me raw for his dinner. I lay on unconscious + of my danger, until he got right up close, an’ + then I waked up, an’ openin’ my eyes saw this great + black savage thing gloatin’ over me an’ tears of + joy runnin’ out of his mouth as he thought of the + choice meal he was about to have. He was sniffin’ + my bang when I first caught sight of him.”</p> + + <p>“Mercy!” cried Sapphira, “I should think + you’d have died of fright.”</p> + + <div id="illo11" class="illo"> + <a href="images/illo11.jpg"><img src="images/illo11-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="413" alt="A bear jumps as a boy screams." /></a> + <p class="caption">“At the first whoop Mr. Bear jumped ten + feet and fell over backwards on the floor.” <span class="illo_ch">Chapter XII.</span></p> + </div> + + <p>“I did,” said Beelzy, politely, “but I came to life + again in a minute. ‘Oh Lor!’ says I, as I see how + hungry he was. ‘This here’s the end o’ me;’ at + which the bear looked me straight in the eye, licked + his chops again, and was about to take a nibble off + my right ear when ‘Whoop!’ I had a spasm of <!-- Original location of illo11 --> + <a class="pagenum" id="page141" title="141"> </a>whoopin’. Well, Ma’am, I guess you know what + that means. There ain’t nothin’ more uncanny, + more terrifyin’ in the whole run o’ human noises, + barrin’ a German Opery, than the whoop o’ the + whoopin’ cough. At the first whoop Mr. Bear + jumped ten feet and fell over backwards onto the + floor; at the second he scrambled to his feet and + put for the door, but stopped and looked around + hopin’ he was mistaken, when I whooped a third + time. The third did the business. That third + whoop would have scared Indians. It was awful. + It was like a tornado blowin’ through a fog-horn + with a megaphone in front of it. When he heard + that, Mr. Bear turned on all four of his heels and + started on a scoot up into the woods that must have + carried him ten miles before I quit coughin’.</p> + + <p>“An’ that’s why, Ma’am, I say that when you’ve + got to shoo bears for a livin’, an attack o’ whoopin’ + cough is a useful thing to have around.”</p> + + <p>Saying which, Beelzy departed to find Number + 433’s left boot which he had left at Number 334’s + door by some odd mistake.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page142" title="142"> </a>“What do you think of that, Mr. Munchausen?” + asked Sapphira, as Beelzy left the room.</p> + + <p>“I don’t know,” said Mr. Munchausen, with a + sigh. “I’m inclined to think that I am a trifle + envious of him. The rest of us are not in his + class.”</p> + </div> + <div id="chapter_13" class="chapter"><a class="pagenum" id="page143" title="143"> </a> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="thirteen">XIII</span><br /> + WRIGGLETTO</h2> + + <p class="first_paragraph"><span class="first_word">It</span> was in the afternoon of a beautiful summer + day, and Mr. Munchausen had come up from + the simmering city of Cimmeria to spend a day or + two with Diavolo and Angelica and their venerable + parents. They had all had dinner, and were now + out on the back piazza overlooking the magnificent + river Styx, which flowed from the mountains to the + sea, condescending on its way thither to look in + upon countless insignificant towns which had + grown up on its banks, among which was the one in + which Diavolo and Angelica had been born and + lived all their lives. Mr. Munchausen was lying + comfortably in a hammock, collecting his thoughts.</p> + + <p>Angelica was somewhat depressed, but Diavolo + was jubilant and all because in the course of a walk + they had had that morning Diavolo had killed a + snake.</p> + + <p>“It was fine sport,” said Diavolo. “He was + lying there in the sun, and I took a stick and put + him out of his misery in two minutes.”</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page144" title="144"> </a>Here Diavolo illustrated the process by whacking + the Baron over his waist-coat with a small + malacca stick he carried.</p> + + <p>“Well, I didn’t like it,” said Angelica. “I don’t + care for snakes, but somehow or other it seems to + me we’d ought to have left him alone. He wasn’t + hurting anybody off there. If he’d come walking + on our place, that would have been one thing, but + we went walking where he was, and he had as much + right to take a sun-bath there as we had.”</p> + + <p>“That’s true enough,” put in Mr. Munchausen, + resolved after Diavolo’s whack, to side against him. + “You’ve just about hit it, Angelica. It wasn’t + polite of you in the first place, to disturb his snakeship + in his nap, and having done so, I can’t see why + Diavolo wanted to kill him.”</p> + + <p>“Oh, pshaw!” said Diavolo, airily. “What’s + snakes good for except to kill? I’ll kill ’em every + chance I get. They aren’t any good.”</p> + + <p>“All right,” said Mr. Munchausen, quietly. “I + suppose you know all about it; but I know a thing + or two about snakes myself that do not exactly + agree with what you say. They are some good + <a class="pagenum" id="page145" title="145"> </a>sometimes, and, as a matter of fact, as a general + rule, they are less apt to attack you without reason + than you are to attack them. A snake is + rather inclined to mind its own business unless he + finds it necessary to do otherwise. Occasionally + too you’ll find a snake with a truly amiable character. + I’ll never forget my old pet Wriggletto, for + instance, and as long as I remember him I can’t + help having a warm corner for snakes in my heart.”</p> + + <p>Here Mr. Munchausen paused and puffed + thoughtfully on his cigar as a far-away half-affectionate + look came into his eye.</p> + + <p>“Who was Wriggletto?” asked Diavolo, transferring + a half dollar from Mr. Munchausen’s pocket + to his own.</p> + + <p>“Who was he?” cried Mr. Munchausen. “You + don’t mean to say that I have never told you about + Wriggletto, my pet boa-constrictor, do you?”</p> + + <p>“You never told me,” said Angelica. “But I’m + not everybody. Maybe you’ve told some other little + Imps.”</p> + + <p>“No, indeed!” said Mr. Munchausen. “You + two are the only little Imps I tell stories to, and as + <a class="pagenum" id="page146" title="146"> </a>far as I am concerned, while I admit you are not + everybody you are somebody and that’s more than + everybody is. Wriggletto was a boa-constrictor I + once knew in South America, and he was without + exception, the most remarkable bit of a serpent I + ever met. Genial, kind, intelligent, grateful and + useful, and, after I’d had him a year or two, wonderfully + well educated. He could write with himself as + well as you or I can with a pen. There’s a recommendation + for you. Few men are all that—and few + boa-constrictors either, as far as that goes. I admit + Wriggletto was an exception to the general run of + serpents, but he was all that I claim for him, nevertheless.”</p> + + <p>“What kind of a snake did you say he was?” + asked Diavolo.</p> + + <p>“A boa-constrictor,” said Mr. Munchausen, + “and I knew him from his childhood. I first + encountered Wriggletto about ten miles out of + Para on the river Amazon. He was being swallowed + by a larger boa-constrictor, and I saved his + life by catching hold of his tail and pulling him + out just as the other was getting ready to give the + <a class="pagenum" id="page147" title="147"> </a>last gulp which would have taken Wriggletto in + completely, and placed him beyond all hope of ever + being saved.”</p> + + <p>“What was the other boa doing while you were + saving Wriggletto?” asked Diavolo, who was fond + always of hearing both sides to every question, and + whose father, therefore, hoped he might some day + grow up to be a great judge, or at least serve with + distinction upon a jury.</p> + + <p>“He couldn’t do anything,” returned Mr. Munchausen. + “He was powerless as long as Wriggletto’s + head stuck in his throat and just before I + got the smaller snake extracted I killed the other + one by cutting off his tail behind his ears. It was + not a very dangerous rescue on my part as long as + Wriggletto was likely to be grateful. I must confess + for a minute I was afraid he might not comprehend + all I had done for him, and it was just possible + he might attack me, but the hug he gave me + when he found himself free once more was reassuring. + He wound himself gracefully around my + body, squeezed me gently and then slid off into the + road again, as much as to say ‘Thank you, sir. + <a class="pagenum" id="page148" title="148"> </a>You’re a brick.’ After that there was nothing Wriggletto + would not do for me. He followed me everywhere + I went from that time on. He seemed to + learn all in an instant that there were hundreds of + little things to be done about the house of an old + bachelor like myself which a willing serpent could + do, and he made it his business to do those things: + like picking up my collars from the floor, and finding + my studs for me when they rolled under the + bureau, and a thousand and one other little services + of a like nature, and when you, Master Diavolo, + try in future to say that snakes are only good + to kill and are of no use to any one, you must at + least make an exception in favour of Wriggletto.”</p> + + <p>“I will,” said Diavolo, “But you haven’t told us + of the other useful things he did for you yet.”</p> + + <p>“I was about to do so,” said Mr. Munchausen. + “In the first place, before he learned how to do little + things about the house for me, Wriggletto acted + as a watch-dog and you may be sure that nobody + ever ventured to prowl around my house at night + while Wriggletto slept out on the lawn. Para was + quite full of conscienceless fellows, too, at that + <a class="pagenum" id="page149" title="149"> </a>time, any one of whom would have been glad to + have a chance to relieve me of my belongings if they + could get by my watch-snake. Two of them tried + it one dark stormy night, and Wriggletto when he + discovered them climbing in at my window, crawled + up behind them and winding his tail about them + crept down to the banks of the Amazon, dragging + them after him. There he tossed them into the + river, and came back to his post once more.”</p> + + <p>“Did you see him do it, Uncle Munch?” asked + Angelica.</p> + + <p>“No, I did not. I learned of it afterwards. + Wriggletto himself said never a word. He was too + modest for that,” said Mr. Munchausen. “One of + the robbers wrote a letter to the Para newspapers + about it, complaining that any one should be + allowed to keep a reptile like that around, and suggested + that anyhow people using snakes in place of + dogs should be compelled to license them, and put + up a sign at their gates:</p> + + <p id="snake_sign">BEWARE OF THE SNAKE!</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page150" title="150"> </a>“The man never acknowledged, of course, that + he was the robber,—said that he was calling on + business when the thing happened,—but he didn’t + say what his business was, but I knew better, and + later on the other robber and he fell out, and they + confessed that the business they had come on was + to take away a few thousand gold coins of the + realm which I was known to have in the house + locked in a steel chest.</p> + + <p>“I bought Wriggletto a handsome silver collar + after that, and it was generally understood that he + was the guardian of my place, and robbers bothered + me no more. Then he was finer than a cat for + rats. On very hot days he would go off into the + cellar, where it was cool, and lie there with his + mouth wide open and his eyes shut, and catch rats + by the dozens. They’d run around in the dark, and + the first thing they’d know they’d stumble into + Wriggletto’s mouth; and he swallowed them and + licked his chops afterwards, just as you or I do + when we’ve swallowed a fine luscious oyster or a + clam.</p> + + <p>“But pleasantest of all the things Wriggletto + <a class="pagenum" id="page151" title="151"> </a>did for me—and he was untiring in his attentions in + that way—was keeping me cool on hot summer + nights. Para as you may have heard is a pretty + hot place at best, lying in a tropical region as it + does, but sometimes it is awful for a man used to + the Northern climate, as I was. The act of fanning + one’s self, so far from cooling one off, makes one + hotter than ever. Maybe you remember how it was + with the elephant in the poem:</p> + + + <div class="poem"> + <p>“‘Oh my, oh dear!’ the elephant said,</p> + <p class="i2">‘It is so awful hot!</p> + <p>I’ve fanned myself for seventy weeks,</p> + <p class="i2">And haven’t cooled a jot.’</p> + </div> + + <p>“And that was the way it was with me in Para + on hot nights. I’d fan and fan and fan, but I + couldn’t get cool until Wriggletto became a member + of my family, and then I was all right. He + used to wind his tail about a huge palm-leaf fan + I had cut in the forest, so large that I couldn’t possibly + handle it myself, and he’d wave it to and fro + by the hour, with the result that my house was + always the breeziest place in Para.”</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page152" title="152"> </a>“Where is Wriggletto now?” asked Diavolo.</p> + + <p>“Heigho!” sighed Mr. Munchausen. “He died, + poor fellow, and all because of that silver collar I + gave him. He tried to swallow a jibola that + entered my house one night on wickedness intent, + and while Wriggletto’s throat was large enough + when he stretched it to take down three jibolas, + with a collar on which wouldn’t stretch he couldn’t + swallow one. He didn’t know that, unfortunately, + and he kept on trying until the jibola got a quarter + way down and then he stuck. Each swallow, of + course, made the collar fit more tightly and finally + poor Wriggletto choked himself to death. I + felt so badly about it that I left Para within a + month, but meanwhile I had a suit of clothes made + out of Wriggletto’s skin, and wore it for years, and + then, when the clothes began to look worn, I had + the skin re-tanned and made over into shoes and + slippers. So you see that even after death he was + useful to me. He was a faithful snake, and that is + why when I hear people running down all snakes I + tell the story of Wriggletto.”</p> + + <div id="illo12" class="illo"> + <a href="images/illo12.jpg"><img src="images/illo12-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="416" alt="A large snake fans the Baron while he reads" /></a> + <p class="caption">“He used to wind his tail about a fan and + he’d wave it to and fro by the hour.” <span class="illo_ch">Chapter XIII.</span></p> + </div> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page153" title="153"> </a>There was a pause for a few moments, when + Diavolo said, “Uncle Munch, is that a true story + you’ve been giving us?”</p> + + <p>“True?” cried Mr. Munchausen. “True? + Why, my dear boy, what a question! If you don’t + believe it, bring me your atlas, and I’ll show you + just where Para is.”</p> + + <p>Diavolo did as he was told, and sure enough, Mr. + Munchausen did exactly as he said he would, which + Diavolo thought was very remarkable, but he still + was not satisfied.</p> + + <p>“You said he could write as well with himself as + you or I could with a pen, Uncle Munch,” he said. + “How was that?”</p> + + <p>“Why that was simple enough,” explained Mr. + Munchausen. “You see he was very black, and + thirty-nine feet long and remarkably supple and + slender. After a year of hard study he learned to + bunch himself into letters, and if he wanted to say + anything to me he’d simply form himself into a + written sentence. Indeed his favourite attitude + when in repose showed his wonderful gift in chirography + <a class="pagenum" id="page154" title="154"> </a>as well as his affection for me. If you will + get me a card I will prove it.”</p> + + <p>Diavolo brought Mr. Munchausen the card and + upon it he drew the following:</p> + + <div id="fig3" class="fig"> + <img src="images/fig03.jpg" width="400" height="186" alt="A snake in the form of ‘UncleMunch’" /> + </div> + + <p>“There,” said Mr. Munchausen. “That’s the + way Wriggletto always used to lie when he was at + rest. His love for me was very affecting.”</p> + </div> + <div id="chapter_14" class="chapter"><a class="pagenum" id="page155" title="155"> </a> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="fourteen">XIV</span><br /> + THE POETIC JUNE-BUG, TOGETHER WITH SOME REMARKS + ON THE GILLYHOOLY BIRD</h2> + + <p class="first_paragraph">“<span class="first_word">Uncle Munch</span>,” said Diavolo one afternoon + as a couple of bicyclers sped past + the house at breakneck speed, “which would you + rather have, a bicycle or a horse?”</p> + + <p>“Well, I must say, my boy, that is a difficult + question to answer,” Mr. Munchausen replied + after scratching his head dubiously for a few minutes. + “You might as well ask a man which he + prefers, a hammock or a steam-yacht. To that + question I should reply that if I wanted to sell + it, I’d rather have a steam-yacht, but for a pleasant + swing on a cool piazza in midsummer or under the + apple-trees, a hammock would be far preferable. + Steam-yachts are not much good to swing in under + an apple tree, and very few piazzas that I know + of are big enough—”</p> + + <p>“Oh, now, you know what I mean, Uncle + Munch,” Diavolo retorted, tapping Mr. Munchausen + <a class="pagenum" id="page156" title="156"> </a>upon the end of his nose, for a twinkle in Mr. + Munchausen’s eye seemed to indicate that he was in + one of his chaffing moods, and a greater tease than + Mr. Munchausen when he felt that way no one + has ever known. “I mean for horse-back riding, + which would you rather have?”</p> + + <p>“Ah, that’s another matter,” returned Mr. Munchausen, + calmly. “Now I know how to answer + your question. For horse-back riding I certainly + prefer a horse; though, on the other hand, for + bicycling, bicycles are better than horses. Horses + make very poor bicycles, due no doubt to the fact + that they have no wheels.”</p> + + <p>Diavolo began to grow desperate.</p> + + <p>“Of course,” Mr. Munchausen went on, “all I + have to say in this connection is based merely on + my ideas, and not upon any personal experience. + I’ve been horse-back riding on horses, and bicycling + on bicycles, but I never went horse-back riding on + a bicycle, or bicycling on horseback. I should + think it might be exciting to go bicycling on horse-back, + but very dangerous. It is hard enough for + me to keep a bicycle from toppling over when I’m + <a class="pagenum" id="page157" title="157"> </a>riding on a hard, straight, level well-paved road, + without experimenting with my wheel on a horse’s + back. However if you wish to try it some day and + will get me a horse with a back as big as Trafalgar + Square I’m willing to make the effort.”</p> + + <p>Angelica giggled. It was lots of fun for her + when Mr. Munchausen teased Diavolo, though she + didn’t like it quite so much when it was her turn + to be treated that way. Diavolo wanted to laugh + too, but he had too much dignity for that, and to + conceal his desire to grin from Mr. Munchausen + he began to hunt about for an old newspaper, or a + lump of coal or something else he could make a + ball of to throw at him.</p> + + <p>“Which would you rather do, Angelica,” Mr. + Munchausen resumed, “go to sea in a balloon or + attend a dumb-crambo party in a chicken-coop?”</p> + + <p>“I guess I would,” laughed Angelica.</p> + + <p>“That’s a good answer,” Mr. Munchausen put + in. “It is quite as intelligent as the one which + is attributed to the Gillyhooly bird. When the + Gillyhooly bird was asked his opinion of giraffes, + he scratched his head for a minute and said,</p> + + <div class="poem"><a class="pagenum" id="page158" title="158"> </a> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>“‘The question hath but little wit</p> + <p class="i2">That you have put to me,</p> + <p>But I will try to answer it</p> + <p class="i2">With prompt candidity.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The automobile is a thing</p> + <p class="i2">That’s pleasing to the mind;</p> + <p>And in a lustrous diamond ring</p> + <p class="i2">Some merit I can find.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Some persons gloat o’er French Chateaux;</p> + <p class="i2">Some dote on lemon ice;</p> + <p>While others gorge on mixed gateaux,</p> + <p class="i2">Yet have no use for mice.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I’m very fond of oyster-stew,</p> + <p class="i2">I love a patent-leather boot,</p> + <p>But after all, ’twixt me and you,</p> + <p class="i2">The fish-ball is my favourite fruit.’”</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>“Hoh” jeered Diavolo, who, attracted by the + allusion to a kind of bird of which he had never + heard before, had given up the quest for a paper + ball and returned to Mr. Munchausen’s side, “I + don’t think that was a very intelligent answer. + It didn’t answer the question at all.”</p> + + <p>“That’s true, and that is why it was intelligent,” + said Mr. Munchausen. “It was noncommittal. + Some day when you are older and know + less than you do now, you will realise, my dear + <a class="pagenum" id="page159" title="159"> </a>Diavolo, how valuable a thing is the reply that + answereth not.”</p> + + <p>Mr. Munchausen paused long enough to let the + lesson sink in and then he resumed.</p> + + <p>“The Gillyhooly bird is a perfect owl for wisdom + of that sort,” he said. “It never lets anybody + know what it thinks; it never makes promises, and + rarely speaks except to mystify people. It probably + has just as decided an opinion concerning + giraffes as you or I have, but it never lets anybody + into the secret.”</p> + + <p>“What is a Gillyhooly bird, anyhow?” asked + Diavolo.</p> + + <p>“He’s a bird that never sings for fear of straining + his voice; never flies for fear of wearying his + wings; never eats for fear of spoiling his digestion; + never stands up for fear of bandying his + legs and never lies down for fear of injuring his + spine,” said Mr. Munchausen. “He has no feathers, + because, as he says, if he had, people would + pull them out to trim hats with, which would be + painful, and he never goes into debt because, as + he observes himself, he has no hope of paying the + <a class="pagenum" id="page160" title="160"> </a>bill with which nature has endowed him, so why + run up others?”</p> + + <p>“I shouldn’t think he’d live long if he doesn’t + eat?” suggested Angelica.</p> + + <p>“That’s the great trouble,” said Mr. Munchausen. + “He doesn’t live long. Nothing so ineffably + wise as the Gillyhooly bird ever does live long. I + don’t believe a Gillyhooly bird ever lived more + than a day, and that, connected with the fact that + he is very ugly and keeps himself out of sight, is + possibly why no one has ever seen one. He is + known only by hearsay, and as a matter of fact, + besides ourselves, I doubt if any one has ever heard + of him.”</p> + + <p>Diavolo eyed Mr. Munchausen narrowly.</p> + + <p>“Speaking of Gillyhooly birds, however, and to + be serious for a moment,” Mr. Munchausen continued + flinching nervously under Diavolo’s unyielding + gaze; “I never told you about the poetic + June-bug that worked the typewriter, did I?”</p> + + <p>“Never heard of such a thing,” cried Diavolo. + “The idea of a June-bug working a typewriter.”</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page161" title="161"> </a>“I don’t believe it,” said Angelica, “he hasn’t + got any fingers.”</p> + + <p>“That shows all you know about it,” retorted + Mr. Munchausen. “You think because you are + half-way right you are all right. However, if you + don’t want to hear the story of the June-bug that + worked the type-writer, I won’t tell it. My tongue + is tired, anyhow.”</p> + + <p>“Please go on,” said Diavolo. “I want to hear + it.”</p> + + <p>“So do I,” said Angelica. “There are lots of + stories I don’t believe that I like to hear—‘Jack + the Giant-killer’ and ‘Cinderella,’ for instance.”</p> + + <p>“Very well,” said Mr. Munchausen. “I’ll tell + it, and you can believe it or not, as you please. It + was only two summers ago that the thing happened, + and I think it was very curious. As you + may know, I often have a great lot of writing to + do and sometimes I get very tired holding a pen + in my hand. When you get old enough to write + real long letters you’ll know what I mean. Your + writing hand will get so tired that sometimes you’ll + <a class="pagenum" id="page162" title="162"> </a>wish some wizard would come along smart enough + to invent a machine by means of which everything + you think can be transferred to paper as you think + it, without the necessity of writing. But as yet + the only relief to the man whose hand is worn out + by the amount of writing he has to do is the use of + the type-writer, which is hard only on the fingers. + So to help me in my work two summers ago I + bought a type-writing machine, and put it in the + great bay-window of my room at the hotel where + I was stopping. It was a magnificent hotel, but + it had one drawback—it was infested with June-bugs. + Most summer hotels are afflicted with mosquitoes, + but this one had June-bugs instead, and + all night long they’d buzz and butt their heads + against the walls until the guests went almost + crazy with the noise.</p> + + <p>“At first I did not mind it very much. It was + amusing to watch them, and my friends and I + used to play a sort of game of chance with them + that entertained us hugely. We marked the walls + off in squares which we numbered and then made + little wagers as to which of the squares a specially + <a class="pagenum" id="page163" title="163"> </a>selected June-bug would whack next. To + simplify the game we caught the chosen June-bug + and put some powdered charcoal on his head, so + that when he butted up against the white wall he + would leave a black mark in the space he hit. It + was really one of the most exciting games of that + particular kind that I ever played, and many a + rainy day was made pleasant by this diversion.</p> + + <p>“But after awhile like everything else June-bug + Roulette as we called it began to pall and I grew + tired of it and wished there never had been such + a thing as a June-bug in the world. I did my best + to forget them, but it was impossible. Their buzzing + and butting continued uninterrupted, and + toward the end of the month they developed a particularly + bad habit of butting the electric call button + at the side of my bed. The consequence was + that at all hours of the night, hall-boys with iced-water, + and house-maids with bath towels, and + porters with kindling-wood would come knocking + at my door and routing me out of bed—summoned + of course by none other than those horrible butting + insects. This particular nuisance became so unendurable + <a class="pagenum" id="page164" title="164"> </a>that I had to change my room for one + which had no electric bell in it.</p> + + <p>“So things went, until June passed and July + appeared. The majority of the nuisances promptly + got out but one especially vigorous and athletic + member of the tribe remained. He became unbearable + and finally one night I jumped out of bed + either to kill him or to drive him out of my apartment + forever, but he wouldn’t go, and try as I + might I couldn’t hit him hard enough to kill him. + In sheer desperation I took the cover of my typewriting + machine and tried to catch him in that. + Finally I succeeded, and, as I thought, shook the + heedless creature out of the window promptly + slamming the window shut so that he might not + return; and then putting the type-writer cover + back over the machine, I went to bed again, but + not to sleep as I had hoped. All night long every + second or two I’d hear the type-writer click. This + I attributed to nervousness on my part. As far + as I knew there wasn’t anything to make the type-writer + click, and the fact that I heard it do so <!-- Original location of illo13 --> + <a class="pagenum" id="page165" title="165"> </a>served only to convince me that I was tired and + imagined that I heard noises.</p> + + <div id="illo13" class="illo"> + <a href="images/illo13.jpg"><img src="images/illo13-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="408" alt="Baron peers at a piece of paper" /></a> + <p class="caption">“Most singular of all was the fact that + consciously or unconsciously the insect had + butted out a verse.” <span class="illo_ch">Chapter XIV.</span></p> + </div> + + <p>“The next morning, however, on opening the + machine I found that the June-bug had not only + not been shaken out of the window, but had actually + spent the night inside of the cover, butting his + head against the keys, having no wall to butt with + it, and most singular of all was the fact that, consciously + or unconsciously, the insect had butted + out a verse which read:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <p>“‘I’m glad I haven’t any brains,</p> + <p class="i2">For there can be no doubt</p> + <p>I’d have to give up butting</p> + <p class="i2">If I had, or butt them out.’”</p> + </div> + + <p>“Mercy! Really?” cried Angelica.</p> + + <p>“Well I can’t prove it,” said Mr. Munchausen, + “by producing the June-bug, but I can show you + the hotel, I can tell you the number of the room; + I can show you the type-writing machine, and I + have recited the verse. If you’re not satisfied with + that I’ll have to stand your suspicions.”</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page166" title="166"> </a>“What became of the June-bug?” demanded + Diavolo.</p> + + <p>“He flew off as soon as I lifted the top of the + machine,” said Mr. Munchausen. “He had all the + modesty of a true poet and did not wish to be + around while his poem was being read.”</p> + + <p>“It’s queer how you can’t get rid of June-bugs, + isn’t it, Uncle Munch,” suggested Angelica.</p> + + <p>“Oh, we got rid of ’em next season all right,” + said Mr. Munchausen. “I invented a scheme that + kept them away all the following summer. I got + the landlord to hang calendars all over the house + with one full page for each month. Then in every + room we exposed the page for May and left it that + way all summer. When the June-bugs arrived + and saw these, they were fooled into believing that + June hadn’t come yet, and off they flew to wait. + They are very inconsiderate of other people’s comfort,” + Mr. Munchausen concluded, “but they are + rigorously bound by an etiquette of their own. A + self-respecting June-bug would no more appear + until the June-bug season is regularly open than + a gentleman of high society would go to a five + <a class="pagenum" id="page167" title="167"> </a>o’clock tea munching fresh-roasted peanuts. And + by the way, that reminds me I happen to have a + bag of peanuts right here in my pocket.”</p> + + <p>Here Mr. Munchausen, transferring the luscious + goobers to Angelica, suddenly remembered that he + had something to say to the Imps’ father, and hurriedly + left them.</p> + + <p>“Do you suppose that’s true, Diavolo?” whispered + Angelica as their friend disappeared.</p> + + <p>“Well it might happen,” said Diavolo, “but I’ve + a sort of notion that it’s ’maginary like the Gillyhooly + bird. Gimme a peanut.”</p> + </div> + <div id="chapter_15" class="chapter"><a class="pagenum" id="page168" title="168"> </a> + + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="fifteen">XV</span><br /> + A LUCKY STROKE</h2> + + <p class="first_paragraph">“Mr. Munchausen,” said Ananias, as he + and the famous warrior drove off from + the first hole at the Missing Links, “you never + seem to weary of the game of golf. What is its + precise charm in your eyes,—the health-giving + qualities of the game or its capacity for bad lies?”</p> + + <p>“I owe my life to it,” replied the Baron. “That + is to say to my precision as a player I owe one of + the many preservations of my existence which have + passed into history. Furthermore it is ever varying + in its interest. Like life itself it is full of + hazards and no man knows at the beginning of his + stroke what will be the requirements of the next. + I never told you of the bovine lie I got once while + playing a match with Bonaparte, did I?”</p> + + <p>“I do not recall it,” said Ananias, foozling his + second stroke into the stone wall.</p> + + <p>“I was playing with my friend Bonaparte, for + the Cosmopolitan Championship,” said Munchausen, + “and we were all even at the thirty-sixth hole. + <a class="pagenum" id="page169" title="169"> </a>Bonaparte had sliced his ball into a stubble field + from the tee, whereat he was inclined to swear, + until by an odd mischance I drove mine into the + throat of a bull that was pasturing on the fair + green two hundred and ninety-eight yards distant. + ‘Shall we take it over?’ I asked. ‘No,’ laughed + Bonaparte, thinking he had me. ‘We must play + the game. I shall play my lie. You must play + yours.’ ‘Very well,’ said I. ‘So be it. Golf is + golf, bull or no bull.’ And off we went. It took + Bonaparte seven strokes to get on the green again, + which left me a like number to extricate my ball + from the throat of the unwelcome bovine. It was + a difficult business, but I made short work of it. + Tying my red silk handkerchief to the end of my + brassey I stepped in front of the great creature + and addressing an imaginary ball before him made + the usual swing back and through stroke. The + bull, angered by the fluttering red handkerchief, + reared up and made a dash at me. I ran in the + direction of the hole, the bull in pursuit for two + hundred yards. Here I hid behind a tree while Mr. + Bull stopped short and snorted again. Still there + <a class="pagenum" id="page170" title="170"> </a>was no sign of the ball, and after my pursuer had + quieted a little I emerged from my hiding place + and with the same club and in the same manner + played three. The bull surprised at my temerity + threw his head back with an angry toss and tried to + bellow forth his wrath, as I had designed he should, + but the obstruction in his throat prevented him. + The ball had stuck in his pharynx. Nothing came + of his spasm but a short hacking cough and a + wheeze—then silence. ‘I’ll play four,’ I cried to + Bonaparte, who stood watching me from a place of + safety on the other side of the stone wall. Again + I swung my red-flagged brassey in front of the + angry creature’s face and what I had hoped for + followed. The second attempt at a bellow again + resulted in a hacking cough and a sneeze, and lo + the ball flew out of his throat and landed dead to + the hole. The caddies drove the bull away. Bonaparte + played eight, missed a putt for a nine, stymied + himself in a ten, holed out in twelve and I went + down in five.”</p> + + <p>“Jerusalem!” cried Ananias. “What did Bonaparte + say?”</p> + + <div id="illo14" class="illo"> + <a href="images/illo14.jpg"><img src="images/illo14-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="413" alt="Baron swings a golf club at a cow" /></a> + <p class="caption">“Again I swung my red-flagged brassey in + front of the angry creature’s face, and what I + had hoped for followed.” <span class="illo_ch">Chapter XV.</span></p> + </div> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page171" title="171"> </a>“He delivered a short, quick nervous address in + Corsican and retired to the club-house where he + spent the afternoon drowning his sorrows in Absinthe + high-balls. ‘Great hole that, Bonaparte,’ + said I when his geniality was about to return. + ‘Yes,’ said he. ‘A regular lu-lu, eh?’ said I. + ‘More than that, Baron,’ said he. ‘It was a Waterlooloo.’ + It was the first pun I ever heard the + Emperor make.”</p> + + <p>“We all have our weak moments,” said Ananias + drily, playing nine from behind the wall. “I give + the hole up,” he added angrily.</p> + + <p>“Let’s play it out anyhow,” said Munchausen, + playing three to the green.</p> + + <p>“All right,” Ananias agreed, taking a ten and + rimming the cup.</p> + + <p>Munchausen took three to go down, scoring six + in all.</p> + + <p>“Two up,” said he, as Ananias putted out in + eleven.</p> + + <p>“How the deuce do you make that out? This is + only the first hole,” cried Ananias with some show + of heat.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page172" title="172"> </a>“You gave up a hole, didn’t you?” demanded + Munchausen.</p> + + <p>“Yes.”</p> + + <p>“And I won a hole, didn’t I?”</p> + + <p>“You did—but—”</p> + + <p>“Well that’s two holes. Fore!” cried Munchausen.</p> + + <p>The two walked along in silence for a few minutes, + and the Baron resumed.</p> + + <p>“Yes, golf is a splendid game and I love it, + though I don’t think I’d ever let a good canvasback + duck get cold while I was talking about it. + When I have a canvasback duck before me I don’t + think of anything else while it’s there. But unquestionably + I’m fond of golf, and I have a very + good reason to be. It has done a great deal for me, + and as I have already told you, once it really saved + my life.”</p> + + <p>“Saved your life, eh?” said Ananias.</p> + + <p>“That’s what I said,” returned Mr. Munchausen, + “and so of course that is the way it was.”</p> + + <p>“I should admire to hear the details,” said Ananias. + <a class="pagenum" id="page173" title="173"> </a>“I presume you were going into a decline + and it restored your strength and vitality.”</p> + + <p>“No,” said Mr. Munchausen, “it wasn’t that + way at all. It saved my life when I was attacked + by a fierce and ravenously hungry lion. If I hadn’t + known how to play golf it would have been farewell + forever to Mr. Munchausen, and Mr. Lion + would have had a fine luncheon that day, at which + I should have been the turkey and cranberry sauce + and mince pie all rolled into one.”</p> + + <p>Ananias laughed.</p> + + <p>“It’s easy enough to laugh at my peril now,” + said Mr. Munchausen, “but if you’d been with me + you wouldn’t have laughed very much. On the + contrary, Ananias, you’d have ruined what little + voice you ever had screeching.”</p> + + <p>“I wasn’t laughing at the danger you were in,” + said Ananias. “I don’t see anything funny in + that. What I was laughing at was the idea of a + lion turning up on a golf course. They don’t have + lions on any of the golf courses that I am familiar + with.”</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page174" title="174"> </a>“That may be, my dear Ananias,” said Mr. Munchausen, + “but it doesn’t prove anything. What + you are familiar with has no especial bearing upon + the ordering of the Universe. They had lions by + the hundreds on the particular links I refer to. I + laid the links out myself and I fancy I know what + I am talking about. They were in the desert of + Sahara. And I tell you what it is,” he added, + slapping his knee enthusiastically, “they were the + finest links I ever played on. There wasn’t a hole + shorter than three miles and a quarter, which gives + you plenty of elbow room, and the fair green had + all the qualities of a first class billiard table, so + that your ball got a magnificent roll on it.”</p> + + <p>“What did you do for hazards?” asked Ananias.</p> + + <p>“Oh we had ’em by the dozen,” replied Mr. Munchausen. + “There weren’t any ponds or stone + walls, of course, but there were plenty of others + that were quite as interesting. There was the + Sphynx for instance; and for bunkers the pyramids + can’t be beaten. Then occasionally right in + the middle of a game a caravan ten or twelve miles + long, would begin to drag its interminable length + <a class="pagenum" id="page175" title="175"> </a>across the middle of the course, and it takes mighty + nice work with the lofting iron to lift a ball over a + caravan without hitting a camel or killing an Arab, + I can tell you. Then finally I’m sure I don’t know + of any more hazardous hazard for a golf player—or + for anybody else for that matter—than a real + hungry African lion out in search of breakfast, + especially when you meet him on the hole furthest + from home and have a stretch of three or four miles + between him and assistance with no revolver or + other weapon at hand. That’s hazard enough for + me and it took the best work I could do with my + brassey to get around it.”</p> + + <p>“You always were strong at a brassey lie,” said + Ananias.</p> + + <p>“Thank you,” said Mr. Munchausen. “There + are few lies I can’t get around. But on this morning + I was playing for the Mid-African Championship. + I’d been getting along splendidly. My + record for fifteen holes was about seven hundred + and eighty-three strokes, and I was flattering myself + that I was about to turn in the best card that + had ever been seen in a medal play contest in all + <a class="pagenum" id="page176" title="176"> </a>Africa. My drive from the sixteenth tee was a + simple beauty. I thought the ball would never + stop, I hit it such a tremendous whack. It had a + flight of three hundred and eighty-two yards and a + roll of one hundred and twenty more, and when it + finally stopped it turned up in a mighty good lie + on a natural tee, which the wind had swirled up. + Calling to the monkey who acted as my caddy—we + used monkeys for caddies always in Africa, and + they were a great success because they don’t talk + and they use their tails as a sort of extra hand,—I + got out my brassey for the second stroke, took my + stance on the hardened sand, swung my club back, + fixed my eye on the ball and was just about to carry + through, when I heard a sound which sent my heart + into my boots, my caddy galloping back to the club + house, and set my teeth chattering like a pair of + castanets. It was unmistakable, that sound. When + a hungry lion roars you know precisely what it is + the moment you hear it, especially if you have + heard it before. It doesn’t sound a bit like the + miauing of a cat; nor is it suggestive of the rumble + of artillery in an adjacent street. There is no mistaking + <a class="pagenum" id="page177" title="177"> </a>it for distant thunder, as some writers would + have you believe. It has none of the gently mournful + quality that characterises the soughing of the + wind through the leafless branches of the autumnal + forest, to which a poet might liken it; it is just a + plain lion-roaring and nothing else, and when you + hear it you know it. The man who mistakes it for + distant thunder might just as well be struck by + lightning there and then for all the chance he has + to get away from it ultimately. The poet who confounds + it with the gentle soughing breeze never + lives to tell about it. He gets himself eaten up for + his foolishness. It doesn’t require a Daniel come + to judgment to recognise a lion’s roar on sight.</p> + + <p>“I should have perished myself that morning if + I had not known on the instant just what were the + causes of the disturbance. My nerve did not desert + me, however, frightened as I was. I stopped + my play and looked out over the sand in the direction + whence the roaring came, and there he stood + a perfect picture of majesty, and a giant among + lions, eyeing me critically as much as to say, ‘Well + this is luck, here’s breakfast fit for a king!’ but he + <a class="pagenum" id="page178" title="178"> </a>reckoned without his host. I was in no mood to + be served up to stop his ravening appetite and I + made up my mind at once to stay and fight. I’m a + good runner, Ananias, but I cannot beat a lion + in a three mile sprint on a sandy soil, so fight it + was. The question was how. My caddy gone, the + only weapons I had with me were my brassey and + that one little gutta percha ball, but thanks to my + golf they were sufficient.</p> + + <p>“Carefully calculating the distance at which the + huge beast stood, I addressed the ball with unusual + care, aiming slightly to the left to overcome my + tendency to slice, and drove the ball straight + through the lion’s heart as he poised himself on his + hind legs ready to spring upon me. It was a superb + stroke and not an instant too soon, for just as + the ball struck him he sprang forward, and even as + it was landed but two feet away from where I stood, + but, I am happy to say, dead.</p> + + <p>“It was indeed a narrow escape, and it tried my + nerves to the full, but I extracted the ball and resumed + my play in a short while, adding the lucky + <a class="pagenum" id="page179" title="179"> </a>stroke to my score meanwhile. But I lost the + match,—not because I lost my nerve, for this I did + not do, but because I lifted from the lion’s heart. + The committee disqualified me because I did not + play from my lie and the cup went to my competitor. + However, I was satisfied to have escaped + with my life. I’d rather be a live runner-up than + a dead champion any day.”</p> + + <p>“A wonderful experience,” said Ananias. “Perfectly + wonderful. I never heard of a stroke to + equal that.”</p> + + <p>“You are too modest, Ananias,” said Mr. Munchausen + drily. “Too modest by half. You and + Sapphira hold the record for that, you know.”</p> + + <p>“I have forgotten the episode,” said Ananias.</p> + + <p>“Didn’t you and she make your last hole on a + single stroke?” demanded Munchausen with an inward + chuckle.</p> + + <p>“Oh—yes,” said Ananias grimly, as he recalled + the incident. “But you know we didn’t win any + more than you did.”</p> + + <p>“Oh, didn’t you?” asked Munchausen.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page180" title="180"> </a>“No,” replied Ananias. “You forget that Sapphira + and I were two down at the finish.”</p> + + <p>And Mr. Munchausen played the rest of the game + in silence. Ananias had at last got the best of him.</p> + </div> + <div id="transcribers_note"> + <p>Transcriber’s Note:</p> + <ul> + <li>Spellings were left as found.</li> + <li>Illustrations were moved when they interrupted paragraphs.</li> + </ul> + </div> +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> </p> +<div class="pg"> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. 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