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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/33432-8.txt b/33432-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b3f9dd6 --- /dev/null +++ b/33432-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4100 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Mr. Munchausen, by John Kendrick Bangs, +Illustrated by Peter Newell + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Mr. Munchausen + Being a True Account of Some of the Recent Adventures beyond the Styx of the Late Hieronymus Carl Friedrich, Sometime Baron Munchausen of Bodenwerder + + +Author: John Kendrick Bangs + + + +Release Date: August 14, 2010 [eBook #33432] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. MUNCHAUSEN*** + + +E-text prepared by Barbara Tozier, Bill Tozier, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this file + which includes the original illustrations in color. + See 33432-h.htm or 33432-h.zip: + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/33432/33432-h/33432-h.htm) + or + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/33432/33432-h.zip) + + + + + +MR. MUNCHAUSEN + + +[Illustration] + + +MR. MUNCHAUSEN + +_Being a TRUE ACCOUNT of some of the RECENT ADVENTURES beyond the STYX +of the late HIERONYMUS CARL FRIEDRICH, sometime BARON MUNCHAUSEN of +BODENWERDER, as originally reported for the SUNDAY EDITION of the +GEHENNA GAZETTE by its SPECIAL INTERVIEWER the late Mr. ANANIAS +formerly of JERUSALEM and now first transcribed from the columns of +that JOURNAL by_ + +JOHN KENDRICK BANGS + +Embellished with Drawings by Peter Newell + + + + + + + +[Illustration] + +Boston: _Printed for Noyes, Platt & Company and published by them at +their offices in the Pierce Building in Copley Square_, A.D. 1901 + +Copyright, 1901, by Noyes, Platt & Company, (Incorporated) + +Entered at Stationers' Hall + +The lithographed illustrations are printed in eight colours by George +H. Walker and Company, Boston + +Press of Riggs Printing and Publishing Co. Albany, N. Y., U. S. A. + + + + +EDITOR'S APOLOGY _and_ DEDICATION + + +_In order that there may be no misunderstanding as to the why and the +wherefore of this collection of tales it appears to me to be desirable +that I should at the outset state my reasons for acting as the medium +between the spirit of the late Baron Munchausen and the reading +public. In common with a large number of other great men in history +Baron Munchausen has suffered because he is not understood. I have +observed with wondering surprise the steady and constant growth of the +idea that Baron Munchausen was not a man of truth; that his statements +of fact were untrustworthy, and that as a realist he had no standing +whatsoever. Just how this misconception of the man's character has +arisen it would be difficult to say. Surely in his published writings +he shows that same lofty resolve to be true to life as he has seen it +that characterises the work of some of the high Apostles of Realism, +who are writing of the things that will teach future generations how +we of to-day ordered our goings-on. The note of veracity in Baron +Munchausen's early literary venturings rings as clear and as true +certainly as the similar note in the charming studies of Manx Realism +that have come to us of late years from the pen of Mr. Corridor +Walkingstick, of Gloomster Abbey and London. We all remember the glow +of satisfaction with which we read Mr. Walkingstick's great story of +the love of the clergyman, John Stress, for the charming little +heroine, Glory Partridge. Here was something at last that rang true. +The picture was painted in the boldest of colours, and, regardless of +consequences to himself, Mr. Walkingstick dared to be real when he +might have given rein to his imagination. Mr. Walkingstick was, +thereupon, lifted up by popular favour to the level of an +apostle--nay, he even admitted the soft impeachment--and now as a +moral teacher he is without a rival in the world of literature. Yet +the same age that accepts this man as a moral teacher, rejects Baron +Munchausen, who, in different manner perhaps, presented to the world +as true and life-like a picture of the conditions of his day as that +given to us by Mr. Walkingstick in his deservedly popular romance, +"Episcopalians I have Met." Of course, I do not claim that Baron +Munchausen's stories in bulk or in specified instances, have the +literary vigour that is so marked a quality of the latter-day writer, +but the point I do wish to urge is that to accept the one as a +veracious chronicler of his time and to reject the other as one who +indulges his pen in all sorts of grotesque vagaries, without proper +regard for the facts, is a great injustice to the man of other times. +The question arises, _why_ is this? How has this wrong upon the worthy +realist of the eighteenth century been perpetrated? Is it an +intentional or an unwitting wrong? I prefer to believe that it is +based upon ignorance of the Baron's true quality, due to the fact that +his works are rarely to be found within the reach of the public: in +some cases, because of the failure of librarians to comprehend his +real motives, his narratives are excluded from Public and +Sunday-School libraries; and because of their extreme age, they are +not easily again brought into vogue. I have, therefore, accepted the +office of intermediary between the Baron and the readers of the +present day, in order that his later work, which, while it shows to a +marked degree the decadence of his literary powers, may yet serve to +demonstrate to the readers of my own time how favourably he compares +with some of the literary idols of to-day, in the simple matter of +fidelity to fact. If these stories which follow shall serve to +rehabilitate Baron Munchausen as a lover and practitioner of the arts +of Truth, I shall not have made the sacrifice of my time in vain. If +they fail of this purpose I shall still have the satisfaction of +knowing that I have tried to render a service to an honest and +defenceless man._ + +_Meanwhile I dedicate this volume, with sentiments of the highest +regard, to that other great realist_ + + MR. CORRIDOR WALKINGSTICK + + _of_ + + GLOOMSTER ABBEY + + J. K. B. + + + + +Contents + + + I. I Encounter the Old Gentleman + II. The Sporting Tour of Mr. Munchausen + III. Three Months in a Balloon + IV. Some Hunting Stories for Children + V. The Story of Jang + VI. He Tells the Twins of Fire-Works + VII. Saved by a Magic Lantern + VIII. An Adventure in the Desert + IX. Decoration Day in the Cannibal Islands + X. Mr. Munchausen's Adventure with a Shark + XI. The Baron as a Runner + XII. Mr. Munchausen Meets His Match + XIII. Wriggletto + XIV. The Poetic June-Bug, Together with Some + Remarks on the Gillyhooly Bird + XV. A Lucky Stroke + + + + +List of Illustrations + + + Portrait of Mr. Munchausen + "There was the whale, drawn by magnetic influence to the + side of _The Lyre_" + "As their bullets got to their highest point and began to + drop back, I reached out and caught them" + "I got nearer and nearer my haven of safety, the bellowing + beasts snorting with rage as they followed" + "Jang buzzed over and sat on his back, putting his sting + where it would do the most good" + "Out of what appeared to be a clear sky came the most + extraordinary rain storm you ever saw" + "'I am your slave,' he replied to my greeting, kneeling + before me, 'I yield all to you'" + "I reached the giraffe, raised myself to his back, crawled + along his neck and dropped fainting into the tree" + "They were celebrating Decoration Day, strewing flowers on + the graves of departed missionaries" + "I laughed in the poor disappointed thing's face, and with a + howl of despair he rushed back into the sea" + "This brought my speed down ten minutes to the mile which + made it safe for me to run into a haystack" + "At the first whoop Mr. Bear jumped ten feet and fell over + backward on the floor" + "He used to wind his tail about a fan and he'd wave it to + and fro by the hour" + "Most singular of all was the fact that, consciously or + unconsciously, the insect had butted out a verse" + "Again I swung my red-flagged brassey in front of the angry + creature's face, and what I had hoped for followed" + + + + +MR. MUNCHAUSEN + +AN ACCOUNT OF HIS RECENT ADVENTURES + + + + +I + +I ENCOUNTER THE OLD GENTLEMAN + + +There are moments of supreme embarrassment in the lives of persons +given to veracity,--indeed it has been my own unusual experience in +life that the truth well stuck to is twice as hard a proposition as a +lie so obvious that no one is deceived by it at the outset. I cannot +quite agree with my friend, Caddy Barlow, who says that in a tight +place it is better to lie at once and be done with it than to tell the +truth which will need forty more truths to explain it, but I must +confess that in my forty years of absolute and conscientious devotion +to truth I have found myself in holes far deeper than any my most +mendacious of friends ever got into. I do not propose, however, to +desert at this late hour the Goddess I have always worshipped because +she leads me over a rough and rocky road, and whatever may be the +hardships involved in my wooing I intend to the very end to remain the +ever faithful slave of Mademoiselle Veracité. All of which I state +here in prefatory mood, and in order, in so far as it is possible for +me to do so, to disarm the incredulous and sniffy reader who may be +inclined to doubt the truth of my story of how the manuscript of the +following pages came into my possession. I am quite aware that to some +the tale will appear absolutely and intolerably impossible. I know +that if any other than I told it to me I should not believe it. Yet +despite these drawbacks the story is in all particulars, essential and +otherwise, absolutely truthful. + +The facts are briefly these: + +It was not, to begin with, a dark and dismal evening. The snow was not +falling silently, clothing a sad and gloomy world in a mantle of +white, and over the darkling moor a heavy mist was not rising, as is +so frequently the case. There was no soul-stirring moaning of bitter +winds through the leafless boughs; so far as I was aware nothing +soughed within twenty miles of my bailiwick; and my dog, lying before +a blazing log fire in my library, did not give forth an occasional +growl of apprehension, denoting the presence or approach of an uncanny +visitor from other and mysterious realms: and for two good reasons. +The first reason is that it was midsummer when the thing happened, so +that a blazing log fire in my library would have been an extravagance +as well as an anachronism. The second is that I have no dog. In fact +there was nothing unusual, or uncanny in the whole experience. It +happened to be a bright and somewhat too sunny July day, which is not +an unusual happening along the banks of the Hudson. You could see the +heat, and if anything had soughed it could only have been the mercury +in my thermometer. This I must say clicked nervously against the top +of the glass tube and manifested an extraordinary desire to climb +higher than the length of the tube permitted. Incidentally I may add, +even if it be not believed, that the heat was so intense that the +mercury actually did raise the whole thermometer a foot and a half +above the mantel-shelf, and for two mortal hours, from midday until +two by the Monastery Clock, held it suspended there in mid-air with no +visible means of support. Not a breath of air was stirring, and the +only sounds heard were the expanding creaks of the beams of my house, +which upon that particular day increased eight feet in width and +assumed a height which made it appear to be a three instead of a two +story dwelling. There was little work doing in the house. The children +played about in their bathing suits, and the only other active factor +in my life of the moment was our hired man who was kept busy in the +cellar pouring water on the furnace coal to keep it from spontaneously +combusting. + +We had just had luncheon, burning our throats with the iced tea and +with considerable discomfort swallowing the simmering cold roast +filet, which we had to eat hastily before the heat of the day +transformed it into smoked beef. My youngest boy Willie perspired so +copiously that we seriously thought of sending for a plumber to solder +up his pores, and as for myself who have spent three summers of my +life in the desert of Sahara in order to rid myself of nervous chills +to which I was once unhappily subject, for the first time in my life I +was impelled to admit that it was intolerably warm. And then the +telephone bell rang. + +"Great Scott!" I cried, "Who in thunder do you suppose wants to play +golf on a day like this?"--for nowadays our telephone is used for no +other purpose than the making or the breaking of golf engagements. + +"Me," cried my eldest son, whose grammar is not as yet on a par with +his activity. "I'll go." + +The boy shot out of the dining room and ran to the telephone, +returning in a few moments with the statement that a gentleman with a +husky voice whose name was none of his business wished to speak with +me on a matter of some importance to myself. + +I was loath to go. My friends the book agents had recently acquired +the habit of approaching me over the telephone, and I feared that here +was another nefarious attempt to foist a thirty-eight volume tabloid +edition of _The World's Worst Literature_ upon me. Nevertheless I +wisely determined to respond. + +"Hello," I said, placing my lips against the rubber cup. "Hello there, +who wants 91162 Nepperhan?" + +"Is that you?" came the answering question, and, as my boy had +indicated, in a voice whose chief quality was huskiness. + +"I guess so," I replied facetiously;--"It was this morning, but the +heat has affected me somewhat, and I don't feel as much like myself as +I might. What can I do for you?" + +"Nothing, but you can do a lot for yourself," was the astonishing +answer. "Pretty hot for literary work, isn't it?" the voice added +sympathetically. + +"Very," said I. "Fact is I can't seem to do anything these days but +perspire." + +"That's what I thought; and when you can't work ruin stares you in the +face, eh? Now I have a manuscript--" + +"Oh Lord!" I cried. "Don't. There are millions in the same fix. Even +my cook writes." + +"Don't know about that," he returned instantly. "But I do know that +there's millions in my manuscript. And you can have it for the asking. +How's that for an offer?" + +"Very kind, thank you," said I. "What's the nature of your story?" + +"It's extremely good-natured," he answered promptly. + +I laughed. The twist amused me. + +"That isn't what I meant exactly," said I, "though it has some bearing +on the situation. Is it a Henry James dandy, or does it bear the mark +of Caine? Is it realism or fiction?" + +"Realism," said he. "Fiction isn't in my line." + +"Well, I'll tell you," I replied; "you send it to me by post and I'll +look it over. If I can use it I will." + +"Can't do it," said he. "There isn't any post-office where I am." + +"What?" I cried. "No post-office? Where in Hades are you?" + +"Gehenna," he answered briefly. "The transportation between your +country and mine is all one way," he added. "If it wasn't the +population here would diminish." + +"Then how the deuce am I to get hold of your stuff?" I demanded. + +"That's easy. Send your stenographer to the 'phone and I'll dictate +it," he answered. + +The novelty of the situation appealed to me. Even if my new found +acquaintance were some funny person nearer at hand than Gehenna trying +to play a practical joke upon me, still it might be worth while to get +hold of the story he had to tell. Hence I agreed to his proposal. + +"All right, sir," said I. "I'll do it. I'll have him here to-morrow +morning at nine o'clock sharp. What's your number? I'll ring you up." + +"Never mind that," he replied. "I'm merely a tapster on your wires. +I'll ring _you_ up as soon as I've had breakfast and then we can get +to work." + +"Very good," said I. "And may I ask your name?" + +"Certainly," he answered. "I'm Munchausen." + +"What? The Baron?" I roared, delighted. + +"Well--I used to be Baron," he returned with a tinge of sadness in his +voice, "but here in Gehenna we are all on an equal footing. I'm plain +Mr. Munchausen of Hades now. But that's a detail. Don't forget. Nine +o'clock. Good-bye." + +"Wait a moment, Baron," I cried. "How about the royalties on this +book?" + +"Keep 'em for yourself," he replied. "We have money to burn over here. +You are welcome to all the earthly rights of the book. I'm satisfied +with the returns on the Asbestos Edition, already in its 468th +thousand. Good-bye." + +There was a rattle as of the hanging up of the receiver, a short sharp +click and a ring, and I realised that he had gone. + +The next morning in response to a telegraphic summons my stenographer +arrived and when I explained the situation to him he was incredulous, +but orders were orders and he remained. I could see, however, that as +nine o'clock approached he grew visibly nervous, which indicated that +he half believed me anyhow, and when at nine to the second the sharp +ring of the 'phone fell upon our ears he jumped as if he had been +shot. + +"Hello," said I again. "That you, Baron?" + +"The same," the voice replied. "Stenographer ready?" + +"Yes," said I. + +The stenographer walked to the desk, placed the receiver at his ear, +and with trembling voice announced his presence. There was a response +of some kind, and then more calmly he remarked, "Fire ahead, Mr. +Munchausen," and began to write rapidly in short-hand. + +Two days later he handed me a type-written copy of the following +stories. The reader will observe that they are in the form of +interviews, and it should be stated here that they appeared originally +in the columns of the Sunday edition of the _Gehenna Gazette_, a +publication of Hades which circulates wholly among the best people of +that country, and which, if report saith truly, would not print a line +which could not be placed in the hands of children, and to whose +columns such writers as Chaucer, Shakespeare, Ben Jonson, Jonah and +Ananias are frequent contributors. + +Indeed, on the statement of Mr. Munchausen, all the interviews herein +set forth were between himself as the principal and the Hon. Henry B. +Ananias as reporter, or were scrupulously edited by the latter before +being published. + + + + +II + +THE SPORTING TOUR OF MR. MUNCHAUSEN + + +"Good morning, Mr. Munchausen," said the interviewer of the _Gehenna +Gazette_ entering the apartment of the famous traveller at the Hotel +Deville, where the late Baron had just arrived from his sporting tour +in the Blue Hills of Cimmeria and elsewhere. + +"The interests of truth, my dear Ananias," replied the Baron, grasping +me cordially by the hand, "require that I should state it as my +opinion that it is not a good morning. In fact, my good friend, it is +a very bad morning. Can you not see that it is raining cats and dogs +without?" + +"Sir," said I with a bow, "I accept the spirit of your correction but +not the letter. It is raining indeed, sir, as you suggest, but having +passed through it myself on my way hither I can personally testify +that it is raining rain, and not a single cat or canine has, to my +knowledge, as yet fallen from the clouds to the parched earth, +although I am informed that down upon the coast an elephant and three +cows have fallen upon one of the summer hotels and irreparably damaged +the roof." + +Mr. Munchausen laughed. + +"It is curious, Ananias," said he, "what sticklers for the truth you +and I have become." + +"It is indeed, Munchausen," I returned. "The effects of this climate +are working wonders upon us. And it is just as well. You and I are +outclassed by these twentieth century prevaricators concerning whom +late arrivals from the upper world tell such strange things. They tell +me that lying has become a business and is no longer ranked among the +Arts or Professions." + +"Ah me!" sighed the Baron with a retrospective look in his eye, "lying +isn't what it used to be, Ananias, in your days and mine. I fear it +has become one of the lost arts." + +"I have noticed it myself, my friend, and only last night I observed +the same thing to my well beloved Sapphira, who was lamenting the +transparency of the modern lie, and said that lying to-day is no +better than the truth. In our day a prevarication had all of the +opaque beauty of an opalescent bit of glass, whereas to-day in the +majority of cases it is like a great vulgar plate-glass window, +through which we can plainly see the ugly truths that lie behind. But, +sir, I am here to secure from you not a treatise upon the lost art of +lying, but some idea of the results of your sporting tour. You fished, +and hunted, and golfed, and doubtless did other things. You, of +course, had luck and made the greatest catch of the season; shot all +the game in sight, and won every silver, gold and pewter golf mug in +all creation?" + +"You speak truly, Ananias," returned Mr. Munchausen. "My luck _was_ +wonderful--even for one who has been so singularly fortunate as I. I +took three tons of speckled beauties with one cast of an ordinary +horse whip in the Blue Hills, and with nothing but a silken line and a +minnow hook landed upon the deck of my steam yacht a whale of most +tremendous proportions; I shot game of every kind in great abundance +and in my golf there was none to whom I could not give with ease seven +holes in every nine and beat him out." + +"Seven?" said I, failing to see how the ex-Baron could be right. + +"Seven," said he complacently. "Seven on the first, and seven on the +second nine; fourteen in all of the eighteen holes." + +"But," I cried, "I do not see how that could be. With fourteen holes +out of the eighteen given to your opponent even if you won all the +rest you still would be ten down." + +"True, by ordinary methods of calculation," returned the Baron, "but I +got them back on a technicality, which I claim is a new and valuable +discovery in the game. You see it is impossible to play more than one +hole at a time, and I invariably proved to the Greens Committee that +in taking fourteen holes at once my opponent violated the physical +possibilities of the situation. In every case the point was accepted +as well taken, for if we allow golfers to rise above physical +possibilities the game is gone. The integrity of the Card is the soul +of Golf," he added sententiously. + +"Tell me of the whale," said I, simply. "You landed a whale of large +proportions on the deck of your yacht with a simple silken line and a +minnow hook." + +"Well it's a tough story," the Baron replied, handing me a cigar. "But +it is true, Ananias, true to the last word. I was fishing for eels. +Sitting on the deck of _The Lyre_ one very warm afternoon in the early +stages of my trip, I baited a minnow hook and dropped it overboard. It +was the roughest day at sea I had ever encountered. The waves were +mountain high, and it is the sad fact that one of our crew seated in +the main-top was drowned with the spray of the dashing billows. +Fortunately for myself, directly behind my deck chair, to which I was +securely lashed, was a powerful electric fan which blew the spray away +from me, else I too might have suffered the same horrid fate. Suddenly +there came a tug on my line. I was half asleep at the time and let the +line pay out involuntarily, but I was wide-awake enough to know that +something larger than an eel had taken hold of the hook. I had hooked +either a Leviathan or a derelict. Caution and patience, the chief +attributes of a good angler were required. I hauled the line in until +it was taut. There were a thousand yards of it out, and when it +reached the point of tensity, I gave orders to the engineers to steam +closer to the object at the other end. We steamed in five hundred +yards, I meanwhile hauling in my line. Then came another tug and I let +out ten yards. 'Steam closer,' said I. 'Three hundred yards +sou-sou-west by nor'-east.' The yacht obeyed on the instant. I called +the Captain and let him feel the line. 'What do you think it is?' said +I. He pulled a half dozen times. 'Feels like a snag,' he said, 'but +seein' as there ain't no snags out here, I think it must be a fish.' +'What kind?' I asked. I could not but agree that he was better +acquainted with the sea and its denizens than I. 'Well,' he replied, +'it is either a sea serpent or a whale.' At the mere mention of the +word whale I was alert. I have always wanted to kill a whale. +'Captain,' said I, 'can't you tie an anchor onto a hawser, and bait +the flukes with a boa constrictor and make sure of him?' He looked at +me contemptuously. 'Whales eats fish,' said he, 'and they don't bite +at no anchors. Whales has brains, whales has.' 'What shall we do?' I +asked. 'Steam closer,' said the Captain, and we did so." + +Munchausen took a long breath and for the moment was silent. + +"Well?" said I. + +"Well, Ananias," said he. "We resolved to wait. As the Captain said to +me, 'Fishin' is waitin'.' So we waited. 'Coax him along,' said the +Captain. 'How can we do it?' I asked. 'By kindness,' said he. 'Treat +him gently, persuasive-like and he'll come.' We waited four days and +nobody moved and I grew weary of coaxing. 'We've got to do something,' +said I to the Captain. 'Yes,' said he, 'Let's _make_ him move. He +doesn't seem to respond to kindness.' 'But how?' I cried. 'Give him an +electric shock,' said the Captain. 'Telegraph him his mother's sick +and may be it'll move him.' 'Can't you get closer to him?' I demanded, +resenting his facetious manner. 'I can, but it will scare him off,' +replied the Captain. So we turned all our batteries on the sea. The +dynamo shot forth its bolts and along about four o'clock in the +afternoon there was the whale drawn by magnetic influence to the side +of _The Lyre_. He was a beauty, Ananias," Munchausen added with +enthusiasm. "You never saw such a whale. His back was as broad as the +deck of an ocean steamer and in his length he exceeded the dimensions +of _The Lyre_ by sixty feet." + +"And still you got him on deck?" I asked,--I, Ananias, who can stand +something in the way of an exaggeration. + +"Yes," said Munchausen, lighting his cigar, which had gone out. +"Another storm came up and we rolled and rolled and rolled, until I +thought _The Lyre_ was going to capsize." + +"But weren't you sea-sick?" I asked. + +"Didn't have a chance to be," said Munchausen. "I was thinking of the +whale all the time. Finally there came a roll in which we went +completely under, and with a slight pulling on the line the whale was +landed by the force of the wave and laid squarely upon the deck." + +"Great Sapphira!" said I. "But you just said he was wider and longer +than the yacht!" + +[Illustration: "There was the whale drawn by magnetic influence to the +side of _The Lyre_." _Chapter II._] + +"He was," sighed Munchausen. "He landed on the deck and by sheer force +of his weight the yacht went down under him. I swam ashore and the +whole crew with me. The next day Mr. Whale floated in strangled. He'd +swallowed the thousand yards of line and it got so tangled in his +tonsils that it choked him to death. Come around next week and I'll +give you a couple of pounds of whalebone for Mrs. Ananias, and all the +oil you can carry." + +I thanked the old gentleman for his kind offer and promised to avail +myself of it, although as a newspaper man it is against my principles +to accept gifts from public men. + +"It was great luck, Baron," said I. "Or at least it would have been if +you hadn't lost your yacht." + +"That was great luck too," he observed nonchalantly. "It cost me ten +thousand dollars a month keeping that yacht in commission. Now she's +gone I save all that. Why it's like finding money in the street, +Ananias. She wasn't worth more than fifty thousand dollars, and in six +months I'll be ten thousand ahead." + +I could not but admire the cheerful philosophy of the man, but then I +was not surprised. Munchausen was never the sort of man to let little +things worry him. + +"But that whale business wasn't a circumstance to my catch of three +tons of trout with a single cast of a horse-whip in the Blue Hills," +said the Baron after a few moments of meditation, during which I could +see that he was carefully marshalling his facts. + +"I never heard of its equal," said I. "You must have used a derrick." + +"No," he replied suavely. "Nothing of the sort. It was the simplest +thing in the world. It was along about five o'clock in the afternoon +when with my three guides and my valet I drove up the winding roadway +of Great Sulphur Mountain on my way to the Blue Mountain House where I +purposed to put up for a few days. I had one of those big mountain +wagons with a covered top to it such as the pioneers used on the +American plains, with six fine horses to the fore. I held the reins +myself, since we were in the midst of a terrific thunderstorm and I +felt safer when I did my own driving. All the flaps of the leathern +cover were let down at the sides and at the back, and were securely +fastened. The roads were unusually heavy, and when we came to the last +great hill before the lake all but I were walking, as a measure of +relief to the horses. Suddenly one of the horses balked right in the +middle of the ascent, and in a moment of impatience I gave him a +stinging flick with my whip, when like a whirlwind the whole six +swerved to one side and started on a dead run upward. The jolt and the +unexpected swerving of the wagon threw me from my seat and I landed +clear of the wheels in the soft mud of the roadway, fortunately +without injury. When I arose the team was out of sight and we had to +walk the remainder of the distance to the hotel. Imagine our surprise +upon arriving there to find the six panting steeds and the wagon +standing before the main entrance to the hotel dripping as though they +had been through the Falls of Niagara, and, would you believe it, +Ananias, inside that leather cover of the wagon, packed as tightly as +sardines, were no less than three thousand trout, not one of them +weighing less than a pound and some of them getting as high as four. +The whole catch weighed a trifle over six thousand pounds." + +"Great Heavens, Baron," I cried. "Where the dickens did they come +from?" + +"That's what I asked myself," said the Baron easily. "It seemed +astounding at first glance, but investigation showed it after all to +be a very simple proposition. The runaways after reaching the top of +the hill turned to the left, and clattered on down toward the bridge +over the inlet to the lake. The bridge broke beneath their weight and +the horses soon found themselves struggling in the water. The harness +was strong and the wagon never left them. They had to swim for it, and +I am told by a small boy who was fishing on the lake at the time that +they swam directly across it, pulling the wagon after them. Naturally +with its open front and confined back and sides the wagon acted as a +sort of drag-net and when the opposite shore was gained, and the wagon +was pulled ashore, it was found to have gathered in all the fish that +could not get out of the way." + +The Baron resumed his cigar, and I sat still eyeing the ample pattern +of the drawing-room carpet. + +"Pretty good catch for an afternoon, eh?" he said in a minute. + +"Yes," said I. "Almost too good, Baron. Those horses must have swam +like the dickens to get over so quickly. You would think the trout +would have had time to escape." + +"Oh I presume one or two of them did," said Munchausen. "But the +majority of them couldn't. The horses were all fast, record-breakers +anyhow. I never hire a horse that isn't." + +And with that I left the old gentleman and walked blushing back to the +office. I don't doubt for an instant the truth of the Baron's story, +but somehow or other I feel that in writing it my reputation is in +some measure at stake. + + NOTE--Mr. Munchausen, upon request of the Editor of the + _Gehenna Gazette_ to write a few stories of adventure for his + Imp's page, conducted by Sapphira, contributed the tales which + form the substance of several of the following chapters. + + + + +III + +THREE MONTHS IN A BALLOON + + +Mr. Munchausen was not handsome, but the Imps liked him very much, he +was so full of wonderful reminiscences, and was always willing to tell +anybody that would listen, all about himself. To the Heavenly Twins he +was the greatest hero that had ever lived. Napoleon Bonaparte, on Mr. +Munchausen's own authority, was not half the warrior that he, the late +Baron had been, nor was Cæsar in his palmiest days, one-quarter so +wise or so brave. How old the Baron was no one ever knew, but he had +certainly lived long enough to travel the world over, and stare every +kind of death squarely in the face without flinching. He had fought +Zulus, Indians, tigers, elephants--in fact, everything that fights, +the Baron had encountered, and in every contest he had come out +victorious. He was the only man the children had ever seen that had +lost three legs in battle and then had recovered them after the fight +was over; he was the only visitor to their house that had been lost in +the African jungle and wandered about for three months without food or +shelter, and best of all he was, on his own confession, the most +truthful narrator of extraordinary tales living. The youngsters had to +ask the Baron a question only, any one, it mattered not what it +was--to start him off on a story of adventure, and as he called upon +the Twins' father once a month regularly, the children were not long +in getting together a collection of tales beside which the most +exciting episodes in history paled into insignificant commonplaces. + +"Uncle Munch," said the Twins one day, as they climbed up into the +visitor's lap and disarranged his necktie, "was you ever up in a +balloon?" + +"Only once," said the Baron calmly. "But I had enough of it that time +to last me for a lifetime." + +"Was you in it for long?" queried the Twins, taking the Baron's watch +out of his pocket and flinging it at Cerberus, who was barking outside +of the window. + +"Well, it seemed long enough," the Baron answered, putting his +pocket-book in the inside pocket of his vest where the Twins could not +reach it. "Three months off in the country sleeping all day long and +playing tricks all night seems a very short time, but three months in +a balloon and the constant centre of attack from every source is too +long for comfort." + +"Were you up in the air for three whole months?" asked the Twins, +their eyes wide open with astonishment. + +"All but two days," said the Baron. "For two of those days we rested +in the top of a tree in India. The way of it was this: I was always, +as you know, a great favourite with the Emperor Napoleon, of France, +and when he found himself involved in a war with all Europe, he +replied to one of his courtiers who warned him that his army was not +in condition: 'Any army is prepared for war whose commander-in-chief +numbers Baron Munchausen among his advisers. Let me have Munchausen at +my right hand and I will fight the world.' So they sent for me and as +I was not very busy I concluded to go and assist the French, although +the allies and I were also very good friends. I reasoned it out this +way: In this fight the allies are the stronger. They do not need me. +Napoleon does. Fight for the weak, Munchausen, I said to myself, and +so I went. Of course, when I reached Paris I went at once to the +Emperor's palace and remained at his side until he took the field, +after which I remained behind for a few days to put things to rights +for the Imperial family. Unfortunately for the French, the King of +Prussia heard of my delay in going to the front, and he sent word to +his forces to intercept me on my way to join Napoleon at all hazards, +and this they tried to do. When I was within ten miles of the +Emperor's headquarters, I was stopped by the Prussians, and had it not +been that I had provided myself with a balloon for just such an +emergency, I should have been captured and confined in the King's +palace at Berlin, until the war was over. + +"Foreseeing all this, I had brought with me a large balloon packed +away in a secret section of my trunk, and while my body-guard was +fighting with the Prussian troops sent to capture me, I and my valet +inflated the balloon, jumped into the car and were soon high up out of +the enemy's reach. They fired several shots at us, and one of them +would have pierced the balloon had I not, by a rare good shot, fired +my own rifle at the bullet, and hitting it squarely in the middle, as +is my custom, diverted it from its course, and so saved our lives. + +"It had been my intention to sail directly over the heads of the +attacking party and drop down into Napoleon's camp the next morning, +but unfortunately for my calculations, a heavy wind came up in the +night and the balloon was caught by a northerly blast, and blown into +Africa, where, poised in the air directly over the desert of Sahara, +we encountered a dead calm, which kept us stalled up for two miserable +weeks." + +"Why didn't you come down?" asked the Twins, "wasn't the elevator +running?" + +"We didn't dare," explained the Baron, ignoring the latter part of the +question. "If we had we'd have wasted a great deal of our gas, and our +condition would have been worse than ever. As I told you we were +directly over the centre of the desert. There was no way of getting +out of it except by long and wearisome marches over the hot, burning +sands with the chances largely in favour of our never getting out +alive. The only thing to do was to stay just where we were and wait +for a favouring breeze. This we did, having to wait four mortal weeks +before the air was stirred." + +"You said two weeks a minute ago, Uncle Munch," said the Twins +critically. + +"Two? Hem! Well, yes it was two, now that I think of it. It's a +natural mistake," said the Baron stroking his mustache a little +nervously. "You see two weeks in a balloon over a vast desert of sand, +with nothing to do but whistle for a breeze, is equal to four weeks +anywhere else. That is, it seems so. Anyhow, two weeks or four, +whichever it was, the breeze came finally, and along about midnight +left us stranded again directly over an Arab encampment near Wady +Halfa. It was a more perilous position really, than the first, because +the moment the Arabs caught sight of us they began to make frantic +efforts to get us down. At first we simply laughed them to scorn and +made faces at them, because as far as we could see, we were safely out +of reach. This enraged them and they apparently made up their minds to +kill us if they could. At first their idea was to get us down alive +and sell us as slaves, but our jeers changed all that, and what should +they do but whip out a lot of guns and begin to pepper us. + +"'I'll settle them in a minute,' I said to myself, and set about +loading my own gun. Would you believe it, I found that my last bullet +was the one with which I had saved the balloon from the Prussian +shot?" + +"Mercy, how careless of you, Uncle Munch!" said one of the Twins. +"What did you do?" + +"I threw out a bag of sand ballast so that the balloon would rise just +out of range of their guns, and then, as their bullets got to their +highest point and began to drop back, I reached out and caught them in +a dipper. Rather neat idea, eh? With these I loaded my own rifle and +shot every one of the hostile party with their own ammunition, and +when the last of the attacking Arabs dropped I found there were enough +bullets left to fill the empty sand bag again, so that the lost +ballast was not missed. In fact, there were enough of them in weight +to bring the balloon down so near to the earth that our anchor rope +dangled directly over the encampment, so that my valet and I, without +wasting any of our gas, could climb down and secure all the +magnificent treasures in rugs and silks and rare jewels these robbers +of the desert had managed to get together in the course of their +depredations. When these were placed in the car another breeze came +up, and for the rest of the time we drifted idly about in the heavens +waiting for a convenient place to land. In this manner we were blown +hither and yon for three months over land and sea, and finally we were +wrecked upon a tall tree in India, whence we escaped by means of a +convenient elephant that happened to come our way, upon which we rode +triumphantly into Calcutta. The treasures we had secured from the +Arabs, unfortunately, we had to leave behind us in the tree, where I +suppose they still are. I hope some day to go back and find them." + +Here Mr. Munchausen paused for a moment to catch his breath. Then he +added with a sigh. "Of course, I went back to France immediately, but +by the time I reached Paris the war was over, and the Emperor was in +exile. I was too late to save him--though I think if he had lived some +sixty or seventy years longer I should have managed to restore his +throne, and Imperial splendour to him." + +The Twins gazed into the fire in silence for a minute or two. Then one +of them asked: + +"But what did you live on all that time, Uncle Munch?" + +"Eggs," said the Baron. "Eggs and occasionally fish. My servant had +had the foresight when getting the balloon ready to include, among the +things put into the car, a small coop in which were six pet chickens I +owned, and without which I never went anywhere. These laid enough eggs +every day to keep us alive. The fish we caught when our balloon stood +over the sea, baiting our anchor with pieces of rubber gas pipe used +to inflate the balloon, and which looked very much like worms." + +[Illustration: "As their bullets got to their highest point and began +to drop back, I reached out and caught them." _Chapter III._] + +"But the chickens?" said the Twins. "What did they live on?" + +The Baron blushed. + +"I am sorry you asked that question," he said, his voice trembling +somewhat. "But I'll answer it if you promise never to tell anyone. It +was the only time in my life that I ever practised an intentional +deception upon any living thing, and I have always regretted it, +although our very lives depended upon it." + +"What was it, Uncle Munch?" asked the Twins, awed to think that the +old warrior had ever deceived anyone. + +"I took the egg shells and ground them into powder, and fed them to +the chickens. The poor creatures supposed it was corn-meal they were +getting," confessed the Baron. "I know it was mean, but what could I +do?" + +"Nothing," said the Twins softly. "And we don't think it was so bad of +you after all. Many another person would have kept them laying eggs +until they starved, and then he'd have killed them and eaten them up. +You let them live." + +"That may be so," said the Baron, with a smile that showed how +relieved his conscience was by the Twins' suggestion. "But I couldn't +do that you know, because they were pets. I had been brought up from +childhood with those chickens." + +Then the Twins, jamming the Baron's hat down over his eyes, climbed +down from his lap and went to their play, strongly of the opinion +that, though a bold warrior, the Baron was a singularly kind, +soft-hearted man after all. + + + + +IV + +SOME HUNTING STORIES FOR CHILDREN + + +The Heavenly Twins had been off in the mountains during their summer +holiday, and in consequence had seen very little of their good old +friend, Mr. Munchausen. He had written them once or twice, and they +had found his letters most interesting, especially that one in which +he told how he had killed a moose up in Maine with his Waterbury watch +spring, and I do not wonder that they marvelled at that, for it was +one of the most extraordinary happenings in the annals of the chase. +It seems, if his story is to be believed, and I am sure that none of +us who know him has ever had any reason to think that he would deceive +intentionally; it seems, I say, that he had gone to Maine for a week's +sport with an old army acquaintance of his, who had now become a guide +in that region. Unfortunately his rifle, of which he was very fond, +and with which his aim was unerring, was in some manner mislaid on the +way, and when they arrived in the woods they were utterly without +weapons; but Mr. Munchausen was not the man to be daunted by any such +trifle as that, particularly while his friend had an old army musket, +a relic of the war, stored away in the attic of his woodland domicile. + +"Th' only trouble with that ar musket," said the old guide, "ain't so +much that she won't shoot straight, nor that she's got a kick onto her +like an unbroke mule. What I'm most afeard 'on about your shootin' +with her ain't that I think she'll bust neither, for the fact is we +ain't got nothin' for to bust her with, seein' as how ammynition is +skeerce. I got powder, an' I got waddin', but I ain't got no shot." + +"That doesn't make any difference," the Baron replied. "We can make +the shot. Have you got any plumbing in the camp? If you have, rip it +out, and I'll melt up a water-pipe into bullets." + +"No, sir," retorted the old man. "Plumbin' is one of the things I came +here to escape from." + +"Then," said the Baron, "I'll use my watch for ammunition. It is only +a three-dollar watch and I can spare it." + +With this determination, Mr. Munchausen took his watch to pieces, an +ordinary time-piece of the old-fashioned kind, and, to make a long +story short, shot for several days with the component parts of that +useful affair rammed down into the barrel of the old musket. With the +stem-winding ball he killed an eagle; with pieces of the back cover +chopped up to a fineness of medium-sized shot he brought down several +other birds, but the great feat of all was when he started for moose +with nothing but the watch-spring in the barrel of the gun. Having +rolled it up as tight as he could, fastened it with a piece of twine, +and rammed it well into the gun, he set out to find the noble animal +upon whose life he had designs. After stalking the woods for several +hours, he came upon the tracks which told him that his prey was not +far off, and in a short while he caught sight of a magnificent +creature, his huge antlers held proudly up and his great eyes full of +defiance. + +For a moment the Baron hesitated. The idea of destroying so beautiful +an animal seemed to be abhorrent to his nature, which, warrior-like as +he is, has something of the tenderness of a woman about it. A second +glance at the superb creature, however, changed all that, for the +Baron then saw that to shoot to kill was necessary, for the beast was +about to force a fight in which the hunter himself would be put upon +the defensive. + +"I won't shoot you through the head, my beauty," he said, softly, "nor +will I puncture your beautiful coat with this load of mine, but I'll +kill you in a new way." + +With this he pulled the trigger. The powder exploded, the string +binding the long black spring into a coil broke, and immediately the +strip of steel shot forth into the air, made directly toward the neck +of the rushing moose, and coiling its whole sinuous length tightly +about the doomed creature's throat strangled him to death. + +As the Twins' father said, a feat of that kind entitled the Baron to a +high place in fiction at least, if not in history itself. The Twins +were very much wrought up over the incident, particularly, when one +too-smart small imp who was spending the summer at the same hotel +where they were said that he didn't believe it,--but he was an imp who +had never seen a cheap watch, so how should he know anything about +what could be done with a spring that cannot be wound up by a great +strong man in less than ten minutes? + +As for the Baron he was very modest about the achievement, for when he +first appeared at the Twins' home after their return he had actually +forgotten all about it, and, in fact, could not recall the incident at +all, until Diavolo brought him his own letter, when, of course, the +whole matter came back to him. + +"It wasn't so very wonderful, anyhow," said the Baron. "I should not +think, for instance, of bragging about any such thing as that. It was +a simple affair all through." + +"And what did you do with the moose's antlers?" asked Angelica. "I +hope you brought 'em home with you, because I'd like to see 'em." + +"I wanted to," said the Baron, stroking the Twins' soft brown locks +affectionately. "I wanted to bring them home for your father to use as +a hat rack, dear, but they were too large. When I had removed them +from the dead animal, I found them so large that I could not get them +out of the forest, they got so tangled up in the trees. I should have +had to clear a path twenty feet wide and seven miles long to get them +even as far as my friend's hut, and after that they would have had to +be carried thirty miles through the woods to the express office." + +"I guess it's just as well after all," said Diavolo. "If they were as +big as all that, Papa would have had to build a new house to get 'em +into." + +"Exactly," said the Baron. "Exactly. That same idea occurred to me, +and for that reason I concluded not to go to the trouble of cutting +away those miles of trees. The antlers would have made a very +expensive present for your father to receive in these hard times." + +"It was a good thing you had that watch," the Twins observed, after +thinking over the Baron's adventure. "If you hadn't had that you +couldn't have killed the moose." + +"Very likely not," said the Baron, "unless I had been able to do as I +did in India thirty years ago at a man hunt." + +"What?" cried the Twins. "Do they hunt men in India?"? + +"That all depends, my dears," replied the Baron. "It all depends upon +what you mean by the word they. Men don't hunt men, but animals, great +wild beasts sometimes hunt them, and it doesn't often happen that the +men escape. In the particular man hunt I refer to I was the creature +that was being hunted, and I've had a good deal of sympathy for foxes +ever since. This was a regular fox hunt in a way, although I was the +fox, and a herd of elephants were the huntsmen." + +"How queer," said Diavolo, unscrewing one of the Baron's shirt studs +to see if he would fall apart. + +"Not half so queer as my feelings when I realised my position," said +the Baron with a shake of his head. "I was frightened half to death. +It seemed to me that I'd reached the end of my tether at last. I was +studying the fauna and flora of India, in a small Indian village, +known as ah--what was the name of that town! Ah--something like +Rathabad--no, that isn't quite it--however, one name does as well as +another in India. It was a good many miles from Calcutta, and I'd been +living there about three months. The village lay in a small valley +between two ranges of hills, none of them very high. On the other side +of the westerly hills was a great level stretch of country upon which +herds of elephants used to graze. Out of this rose these hills, very +precipitously, which was a very good thing for the people in the +valley, else those elephants would have come over and played havoc +with their homes and crops. To me the plains had a great fascination, +and I used to wander over them day after day in search of new +specimens for my collection of plants and flowers, never thinking of +the danger I ran from an encounter with these elephants, who were very +ferocious and extremely jealous of the territory they had come through +years of occupation to regard as their own. So it happened, that one +day, late in the afternoon, I was returning from an expedition over +the plains, and, as I had found a large number of new specimens, I was +feeling pretty happy. I whistled loudly as I walked, when suddenly +coming to a slight undulation in the plain what should I see before me +but a herd of sixty-three elephants, some eating, some thinking, some +romping, and some lying asleep on the soft turf. Now, if I had come +quietly, of course, I could have passed them unobserved, but as I told +you I was whistling. I forget what the tune was, The Marsellaise or +Die Wacht Am Rhein, or maybe Tommie Atkins, which enrages the +elephants very much, being the national anthem of the British invader. +At any rate, whatever the tune was it attracted the attention of the +elephants, and then their sport began. The leader lifted his trunk +high in the air, and let out a trumpet blast that echoed back from the +cliff three miles distant. Instantly every elephant was on the alert. +Those that had been sleeping awoke, and sprang to their feet. Those +that had been at play stopped in their romp, and under the leadership +of the biggest brute of the lot they made a rush for me. I had no gun; +nothing except my wits and my legs with which to defend myself, so I +naturally began to use the latter until I could get the former to +work. It was nip and tuck. They could run faster than I could, and I +saw in an instant that without stratagem I could not hope to reach a +place of safety. As I have said, the cliff, which rose straight up +from the plain like a stone-wall, was three miles away, nor was there +any other spot in which I could find a refuge. It occurred to me as I +ran that if I ran in circles I could edge up nearer to the cliff all +the time, and still keep my pursuers at a distance for the simple +reason that an elephant being more or less unwieldy cannot turn as +rapidly as a man can, so I kept running in circles. I could run around +my short circle in less time than the enemy could run around his +larger one, and in this manner I got nearer and nearer my haven of +safety, the bellowing beasts snorting with rage as they followed. +Finally, when I began to see that I was tolerably safe, another idea +occurred to me, which was that if I could manage to kill those huge +creatures the ivory I could get would make my fortune. But how! That +was the question. Well, my dearly beloved Imps, I admit that I am a +fast runner, but I am also a fast thinker, and in less than two +minutes I had my plan arranged. I stopped short when about two hundred +feet from the cliff, and waited until the herd was fifty feet away. +Then I turned about and ran with all my might up to within two feet of +the cliff, and then turning sharply to the left ran off in that +direction. The elephants, thinking they had me, redoubled their speed, +but failed to notice that I had turned, so quickly was that movement +executed. They failed likewise to notice the cliff, as I had intended. +The consequence was the whole sixty-three of them rushed head first, +bang! with all their force, into the rock. The hill shook with the +force of the blow and the sixty-three elephants fell dead. They had +simply butted their brains out." + +[Illustration: "I got nearer and nearer my haven of safety, the +bellowing beasts snorting with rage as they followed." _Chapter IV._] + +Here the Baron paused and pulled vigourously on his cigar, which had +almost gone out. + +"That was fine," said the Twins. + +"What a narrow escape it was for you, Uncle Munch," said Diavolo. + +"Very true," said the great soldier rising, as a signal that his story +was done. "In fact you might say that I had sixty-three narrow +escapes, one for each elephant." + +"But what became of the ivory?" asked Angelica. + +"Oh, as for that!" said the Baron, with a sigh, "I was disappointed in +that. They turned out to be all young elephants, and they had lost +their first teeth. Their second teeth hadn't grown yet. I got only +enough ivory to make one paper cutter, which is the one I gave your +father for Christmas last year." + +Which may account for the extraordinary interest the Twins have taken +in their father's paper cutter ever since. + + + + +V + +THE STORY OF JANG + + +"Did you ever own a dog, Baron Munchausen?" asked the reporter of the +_Gehenna Gazette_, calling to interview the eminent nobleman during +Dog Show Week in Cimmeria. + +"Yes, indeed I have," said the Baron, "I fancy I must have owned as +many as a hundred dogs in my life. To be sure some of the dogs were +iron and brass, but I was just as fond of them as if they had been +made of plush or lamb's wool. They were so quiet, those iron dogs +were; and the brass dogs never barked or snapped at any one." + +"I never saw a brass dog," said the reporter. "What good are they?" + +"Oh they are likely to be very useful in winter," the Baron replied. +"My brass dogs used to guard my fire-place and keep the blazing logs +from rolling out into my room and setting fire to the rug the Khan of +Tartary gave me for saving his life from a herd of Antipodes he and I +were hunting in the Himalaya Mountains." + +"I don't see what you needed dogs to do that for," said the reporter. +"A fender would have done just as well, or a pair of andirons," he +added. + +"That's what these dogs were," said the Baron. "They were fire dogs +and fire dogs are andirons." + +Ananias pressed his lips tightly together, and into his eyes came a +troubled look. It was evident that, revolting as the idea was to him, +he thought the Baron was trying to deceive him. Noting his +displeasure, the Baron inwardly resolving to be careful how he handled +the truth, hastened on with his story. + +"But dogs were never my favourite animals," he said. "With my pets I +am quite as I am with other things. I like to have pets that are +entirely different from the pets of other people, and that is why in +my day I have made companions of such animals as the sangaree, and the +camomile, and the--ah--the two-horned piccolo. I've had tame bees +even--in fact my bees used to be the wonder of Siam, in which country +I was stationed for three years, having been commissioned by a British +company to make a study of its climate with a view to finding out if +it would pay the company to go into the ice business there. Siam is, +as you have probably heard, a very warm country, and as ice is a very +rare thing in warm countries these English people thought they might +make a vast fortune by sending tug-boats up to the Arctic Ocean, and +with them capture and tow icebergs to Siam, where they might be cut up +and sold to the people at tremendous profit. The scheme was certainly +a good one, and I found many of the wealthy Siamese quite willing to +subscribe for a hundred pounds of ice a week at ten dollars a pound, +but it never came to anything because we had no means of preserving +the icebergs after we got them into the Gulf of Siam. The water was so +hot that they melted before we could cut them up, and we nearly got +ourselves into very serious trouble with the coast people for that +same reason. An iceberg, as you know, is a huge affair, and when a +dozen or two of them had melted in the Gulf they added so to the +quantity of water there that fifty miles of the coast line were +completely flooded, and thousands of valuable fish, able to live in +warm water only, were so chilled that they got pneumonia, and died. +You can readily imagine how indignant the Siamese fishermen were with +my company over the losses they had to bear, but their affection for +me personally was so great that they promised not to sue the company +if I would promise not to let the thing occur again. This I promised, +and all went well. But about the bees, it was while I was living in +Bangkok that I had them, and they were truly wonderful. There was +hardly anything those bees couldn't do after I got them tamed." + +"How did you tame them, Baron," asked Ananias. + +"Power of the eye, my boy," returned the Baron. "I attracted their +attention first and then held it. Of course, I tried my plan on one +bee first. He tamed the rest. Bees are very like children. They like +to play stunts--I think it is called stunts, isn't it, when one boy +does something, and all his companions try to do the same thing?" + +"Yes," said Ananias, "I believe there is such a game, but I shouldn't +like to play it with you." + +"Well, that was the way I did with the bees," said Mr. Munchausen. "I +tamed the king bee, and when he had learned all sorts of funny little +tricks, such as standing on his head and humming tunes, I let him go +back to the swarm. He was gone a week, and then he came back, he had +grown so fond of me--as well he might, because I fed him well, giving +him a large basket of flowers three times a day. Back with him came +two or three thousand other bees, and whatever Jang did they did." + +"Who was Jang?" asked Ananias. + +"That was the first bee's name. King Jang. Jang is Siamese for Billie, +and as I was always fond of the name, Billie, I called him Jang. By +and by every bee in the lot could hum the Star Spangled Banner and +Yankee Doodle as well as you or I could, and it was grand on those +soft moonlight nights we had there, to sit on the back porch of my +pagoda and listen to my bee orchestra discoursing sweet music. Of +course, as soon as Jang had learned to hum one tune it was easy enough +for him to learn another, and before long the bee orchestra could give +us any bit of music we wished to have. Then I used to give musicales +at my house and all the Siamese people, from the King down asked to be +invited, so that through my pets my home became one of the most +attractive in all Asia. + +"And the honey those bees made! It was the sweetest honey you ever +tasted, and every morning when I got down to breakfast there was a +fresh bottleful ready for me, the bees having made it in the bottle +itself over night. They were the most grateful pets I ever had, and +once they saved my life. They used to live in a hive I had built for +them in one corner of my room and I could go to bed and sleep with +every door in my house open, and not be afraid of robbers, because +those bees were there to protect me. One night a lion broke loose from +the Royal Zoo, and while trotting along the road looking for something +to eat he saw my front door wide open. In he walked, and began to +sniff. He sniffed here and he sniffed there, but found nothing but a +pot of anchovy paste, which made him thirstier and hungrier than ever. +So he prowled into the parlour, and had his appetite further +aggravated by a bronze statue of the Emperor of China I had there. He +thought in the dim light it was a small-sized human being, and he +pounced on it in a minute. Well, of course, he couldn't make any +headway trying to eat a bronze statue, and the more he tried the more +hungry and angry he got. He roared until he shook the house and would +undoubtedly have awakened me had it not been that I am always a sound +sleeper and never wake until I have slept enough. Why, on one +occasion, on the Northern Pacific Railway, a train I was on ran into +and completely telescoped another while I was asleep in the smoking +car, and although I was severely burned and hurled out of the car +window to land sixty feet away on the prairie, I didn't wake up for +two hours. I was nearly buried alive because they thought I'd been +killed, I lay so still. + +"But to return to the bees. The roaring of the lion disturbed them, +and Jang buzzed out of his hive to see what was the matter just as the +lion appeared at my bed-room door. The intelligent insect saw in a +moment what the trouble was, and he sounded the alarm for the rest of +the bees, who came swarming out of the hive in response to the +summons. Jang kept his eye on the lion meanwhile, and just as the +prowler caught sight of your uncle peacefully snoring away on the bed, +dreaming of his boyhood, and prepared to spring upon me, Jang buzzed +over and sat down upon his back, putting his sting where it would do +the most good. The angry lion, who in a moment would have fastened his +teeth upon me, turned with a yelp of pain, and the bite which was to +have been mine wrought havoc with his own back. Following Jang's +example, the other bees ranged themselves in line over the lion's +broad shoulders, and stung him until he roared with pain. Each time he +was stung he would whisk his head around like a dog after a flea, and +bite himself, until finally he had literally chewed himself up, when +he fainted from sheer exhaustion, and I was saved. You can imagine my +surprise when next morning I awakened to find a dying lion in my +room." + +"But, Baron," said Ananias. "I don't understand one thing about it. If +you were fast asleep while all this was happening how did you know +that Jang did those things?" + +[Illustration: "Jang buzzed over and sat down upon his back, putting +his sting where it would do the most good." _Chapter V._] + +"Why, Jang told me himself," replied the Baron calmly. + +"Could he talk?" cried Ananias in amazement. + +"Not as you and I do," said the Baron. "Of course not, but Jang could +spell. I taught him how. You see I reasoned it out this way. If a bee +can be taught to sing a song which is only a story in music, why can't +he be taught to tell a story in real words. It was worth trying +anyhow, and I tried. Jang was an apt pupil. He was the most +intelligent bee I ever met, and it didn't take me more than a month to +teach him his letters, and when he once knew his letters it was easy +enough to teach him how to spell. I got a great big sheet and covered +it with twenty-six squares, and in each of these squares I painted a +letter of the alphabet, so that finally when Jang came to know them, +and wanted to tell me anything he would fly from one square to another +until he had spelled out whatever he wished to say. I would follow his +movements closely, and we got so after awhile that we could converse +for hours without any trouble whatsoever. I really believe that if +Jang had been a little heavier so that he could push the keys down far +enough he could have managed a typewriter as well as anybody, and when +I think about his wonderful mind and delicious fancy I deeply regret +that there never was a typewriting machine so delicately made that a +bee of his weight could make it go. The world would have been very +much enriched by the stories Jang had in his mind to tell, but it is +too late now. He is gone forever." + +"How did you lose Jang, Baron?" asked Ananias, with tears in his eyes. + +"He thought I had deceived him," said the Baron, with a sigh. "He was +as much of a stickler for truth as I am. An American friend of mine +sent me a magnificent parterre of wax flowers which were so perfectly +made that I couldn't tell them from the real. I was very proud of +them, and kept them in my room near the hive. When Jang and his tribe +first caught sight of them they were delighted and they sang as they +had never sung before just to show how pleased they were. Then they +set to work to make honey out of them. They must have laboured over +those flowers for two months before I thought to tell them that they +were only wax and not at all real. As I told Jang this, I +unfortunately laughed, thinking that he could understand the joke of +the thing as well as I, but I was mistaken. All that he could see was +that he had been deceived, and it made him very angry. Bees don't seem +to have a well-developed sense of humour. He cast a reproachful glance +at me and returned to his hive and on the morning of the third day +when I waked up they were moving out. They flew to my lattice and +ranged themselves along the slats and waited for Jang. In a moment he +appeared and at a given signal they buzzed out of my sight, humming a +farewell dirge as they went. I never saw them again." + +Here the Baron wiped his eyes. + +"I felt very bad about it," he went on, "and resolved then never again +to do anything which even suggested deception, and when several years +later I had my crest designed I had a bee drawn on it, for in my eyes +my good friend the bee, represents three great factors of the good and +successful life--Industry, Fidelity, and Truth." + +Whereupon the Baron went his way, leaving Ananias to think it over. + + + + +VI + +HE TELLS THE TWINS OF FIRE-WORKS + + +There was a great noise going on in the public square of Cimmeria when +Mr. Munchausen sauntered into the library at the home of the Heavenly +Twins. + +"These Americans are having a great time of it celebrating their +Fourth of July," said he, as the house shook with the explosion of a +bomb. "They've burnt powder enough already to set ten revolutions +revolving, and they're going to outdo themselves to-night in the park. +They've made a bicycle out of the two huge pin-wheels, and they're +going to make Benedict Arnold ride a mile on it after it's lit." + +The Twins appeared much interested. They too had heard much of the +celebration and some of its joys and when the Baron arrived they were +primed with questions. + +"Uncle Munch," they said, helping the Baron to remove his hat and +coat, which they threw into a corner so anxious were they to get to +work, "do you think there's much danger in little boys having +fire-crackers and rockets and pin-wheels, or in little girls having +torpeters?" + +"Well, I don't know," the Baron answered, warily. "What does your +venerable Dad say about it?" + +"He thinks we ought to wait until we are older, but we don't," said +the Twins. + +"Torpeters never sets nothing afire," said Angelica. + +"That's true," said the Baron, kindly; "but after all your father is +right. Why do you know what happened to me when I was a boy?" + +"You burnt your thumb," said the Twins, ready to make a guess at it. + +"Well, you get me a cigar, and I'll tell you what happened to me when +I was a boy just because my father let me have all the fire-works I +wanted, and then perhaps you will see how wise your father is in not +doing as you wish him to," said Mr. Munchausen. + +The Twins readily found the desired cigar, after which Mr. Munchausen +settled down comfortably in the hammock, and swinging softly to and +fro, told his story. + +"My dear old father," said he, "was the most indulgent man that ever +lived. He'd give me anything in the world that I wanted whether he +could afford it or not, only he had an original system of giving which +kept him from being ruined by indulgence of his children. He gave me a +Rhine steamboat once without its costing him a cent. I saw it, wanted +it, was beginning to cry for it, when he patted me on the head and +told me I could have it, adding, however, that I must never take it +away from the river or try to run it myself. That satisfied me. All I +wanted really was the happiness of feeling it was mine, and my dear +old daddy gave me permission to feel that way. The same thing happened +with reference to the moon. He gave it to me freely and ungrudgingly. +He had received it from his father, he said, and he thought he had +owned it long enough. Only, he added, as he had about the steamboat, I +must leave it where it was and let other people look at it whenever +they wanted to, and not interfere if I found any other little boys or +girls playing with its beams, which I promised and have faithfully +observed to this day. + +"Of course from such a parent as this you may very easily see +everything was to be expected on such a day as the Tenth of August +which the people in our region celebrated because it was my birthday. +He used to let me have my own way at all times, and it's a wonder I +wasn't spoiled. I really can't understand how it is that I have become +the man I am, considering how I was indulged when I was small. + +"However, like all boys, I was very fond of celebrating the Tenth, and +being a more or less ingenious lad, I usually prepared my own +fire-works and many things happened which might not otherwise have +come to pass if I had been properly looked after as you are. The first +thing that happened to me on the Tenth of August that would have a +great deal better not have happened, was when I was--er--how old are +you Imps?" + +"Sixteen," said they. "Going on eighteen." + +"Nonsense," said the Baron. "Why you're not more than eight." + +"Nope--we're sixteen," said Diavolo. "I'm eight and Angelica's eight +and twice eight is sixteen." + +"Oh," said the Baron. "I see. Well, that was exactly the age I was at +the time. Just eight to a day." + +"Sixteen we said," said the Twins. + +"Yes," nodded the Baron. "Just eight, but going on towards sixteen. My +father had given me ten thalers to spend on noises, but unlike most +boys I did not care so much for noises as I did for novelties. It +didn't give me any particular pleasure to hear a giant cracker go off +with a bang. What I wanted to do most of all was to get up some kind +of an exhibition that would please the people and that could be seen +in the day-time instead of at night when everybody is tired and +sleepy. So instead of spending my money on fire-crackers and torpedoes +and rockets, I spent nine thalers of it on powder and one thaler on +putty blowers. My particular object was to make one grand effort and +provide passers-by with a free exhibition of what I was going to call +'Munchausen's Grand Geyser Cascade.' To do this properly I had set my +eye upon a fish pond not far from the town hall. It was a very deep +pond and about a mile in circumference, I should say. Putty blowers +were then selling at five for a pfennig and powder was cheap as sand +owing to the fact that the powder makers, expecting a war, had made a +hundred times as much as was needed, and as the war didn't come off, +they were willing to take almost anything they could get for it. The +consequence was that the powder I got was sufficient in quantity to +fill a rubber bag as large as five sofa cushions. This I sank in the +middle of the pond, without telling anybody what I intended to do, and +through the putty blowers, sealed tightly together end to end, I +conducted a fuse, which I made myself, from the powder bag to the +shore. My idea was that I could touch the thing off, you know, and +that about sixty square feet of the pond would fly up into the air and +then fall gracefully back again like a huge fountain. If it had worked +as I expected everything would have been all right, but it didn't. I +had too much powder, for a second after I had lit the fuse there came +a muffled roar and the whole pond in a solid mass, fish and all, went +flying up into the air and disappeared. Everybody was astonished, not +a few were very much frightened. I was scared to death but I never let +on to any one that I was the person that had blown the pond off. How +high the pond went I don't know, but I do know that for a week there +wasn't any sign of it, and then most unexpectedly out of what appeared +to be a clear sky there came the most extraordinary rain-storm you +ever saw. It literally poured down for two days, and, what I alone +could understand, with it came trout and sunfish and minnows, and most +singular to all but myself an old scow that was recognised as the +property of the owner of the pond suddenly appeared in the sky falling +toward the earth at a fearful rate of speed. When I saw the scow +coming I was more frightened than ever because I was afraid it might +fall upon and kill some of our neighbours. Fortunately, however, this +possible disaster was averted, for it came down directly over the +sharp-pointed lightning-rod on the tower of our public library and +stuck there like a piece of paper on a file. + +"The rain washed away several acres of finely cultivated farms, but +the losses on crops and fences and so forth were largely reduced by +the fish that came with the storm. One farmer took a rake and caught +three hundred pounds of trout, forty pounds of sun-fish, eight +turtles, and a minnow in his potato patch in five minutes. Others were +almost as fortunate, but the damage was sufficiently large to teach me +that parents cannot be too careful about what they let their children +do on the day they celebrate." + +"And weren't you ever punished?" asked the Twins. + +"No, indeed," said the Baron. "Nobody ever knew that I did it because +I never told them. In fact you are the only two persons who ever heard +about it, and you mustn't tell, because there are still a number of +farmers around that region who would sue me for damages in case they +knew that I was responsible for the accident." + +[Illustration: "Out of what appeared to be a clear sky came the most +extraordinary rain storm you ever saw." _Chapter VI._] + +"That was pretty awful," said the Twins. "But we don't want to blow up +ponds so as to get cascadeses, but we do want torpeters. Torpeters +aren't any harm, are they, Uncle Munch?" + +"Well, you can never tell. It all depends on the torpedo. Torpedoes +are sometimes made carelessly," said the Baron. "They ought to be made +as carefully as a druggist makes pills. So many pebbles, so much +paper, and so much saltpeter and sulphur, or whatever else is used to +make them go off. I had a very unhappy time once with a carelessly +made torpedo. I had two boxes full. They were those tin-foil torpedoes +that little girls are so fond of, and I expected they would make quite +a lot of noise, but the first ten I threw down didn't go off at all. +The eleventh for some reason or other, I never knew exactly what, I +hurled with all my force against the side of my father's barn, and my, +what a surprise it was! It smashed in the whole side of the barn and +sent seven bales of hay, and our big farm plough bounding down the +hillside into the town. The hay-bales smashed down fences; one of them +hit a cow-shed on its way down, knocked the back of it to smithereens +and then proceeded to demolish the rear end of a small crockery shop +that fronted on the main street. It struck the crockery shop square in +the middle of its back and threw down fifteen dozen cups and saucers, +thirty-two water pitchers, and five china busts of Shakespeare. The +din was frightful--but I couldn't help that. Nobody could blame me, +because I had no means of knowing that the man who made the torpedoes +was careless and had put a solid ball of dynamite into one of them. So +you see, my dear Imps, that even torpedoes are not always safe." + +"Yes," said Angelica. "I guess I'll play with my dolls on my birthday. +They never goes off and blows things up." + +"That's very wise of you," said the Baron. + +"But what became of the plough, Uncle Munch?" said Diavolo. + +"Oh, the plough didn't do much damage," replied Mr. Munchausen. "It +simply furrowed its way down the hill, across the main street, to the +bowling green. It ploughed up about one hundred feet of this before it +stopped, but nobody minded that much because it was to have been +ploughed and seeded again anyhow within a few days. Of course the +furrow it made in crossing the road was bad, and to make it worse the +share caught one of the water pipes that ran under the street, and +ripped it in two so that the water burst out and flooded the street +for a while, but one hundred and sixty thousand dollars would have +covered the damage." + +The Twins were silent for a few moments and then they asked: + +"Well, Uncle Munch, what kind of fire-works are safe anyhow?" + +"My experience has taught me that there are only two kinds that are +safe," replied their old friend. "One is a Jack-o-lantern and the +other is a cigar, and as you are not old enough to have cigars, if you +will put on your hats and coats and go down into the garden and get me +two pumpkins, I'll make each of you a Jack-o'-lantern. What do you +say?" + +"We say yes," said the Twins, and off they went, while the Baron +turning over in the hammock, and arranging a pillow comfortably under +his head, went to sleep to dream of more birthday recollections in +case there should be a demand for them later on. + + + + +VII + +SAVED BY A MAGIC LANTERN + + +When the Sunday dinner was over, the Twins, on Mr. Munchausen's +invitation, climbed into the old warrior's lap, Angelica kissing him +on the ear, and Diavolo giving his nose an affectionate tweak. + +"Ah!" said the Baron. "That's it!" + +"What's what, Uncle Munch?" demanded Diavolo. + +"Why that," returned the Baron. "I was wondering what it was I needed +to make my dinner an unqualified success. There was something lacking, +but what it was, we have had so much, I could not guess until you two +Imps kissed me and tweaked my nasal feature. Now I know, for really a +feeling of the most blessed contentment has settled upon my soul." + +"Don't you wish _you_ had two youngsters like us, Uncle Munch?" asked +the Twins. + +"Do I wish I had? Why I have got two youngsters like you," the Baron +replied. "I've got 'em right here too." + +"Where?" asked the Twins, looking curiously about them for the other +two. + +"On my knees, of course," said he. "You are mine. Your papa gave you +to me--and you are as like yourselves as two peas in a pod." + +"I--I hope you aren't going to take us away from here," said the +Twins, a little ruefully. They were very fond of the Baron, but they +didn't exactly like the idea of being given away. + +"Oh no--not at all," said the Baron. "Your father has consented to +keep you here for me and your mother has kindly volunteered to look +after you. There is to be no change, except that you belong to me, +and, vice versa, I belong to you." + +"And I suppose, then," said Diavolo, "if you belong to us you've got +to do pretty much what we tell you to?" + +"Exactly," responded Mr. Munchausen. "If you should ask me to tell you +a story I'd have to do it, even if you were to demand the full +particulars of how I spent Christmas with Mtulu, King of the Taafe +Eatars, on the upper Congo away down in Africa--which is a tale I have +never told any one in all my life." + +"It sounds as if it might be interesting," said the Twins. "Those are +real candy names, aren't they?" + +"Yes," said the Baron. "Taafe sounds like taffy and Mtulu is very +suggestive of chewing gum. That's the curious thing about the savage +tribes of Africa. Their names often sound as if they might be things +to eat instead of people. Perhaps that is why they sometimes eat each +other--though, of course, I won't say for sure that that is the real +explanation of cannibalism." + +"What's cannon-ballism?" asked Angelica. + +"He didn't say cannon-ballism," said Diavolo, scornfully. "It was +candy-ballism." + +"Well--you've both come pretty near it," said the Baron, "and we'll +let the matter rest there, or I won't have time to tell you how +Christmas got me into trouble with King Mtulu." + +The Baron called for a cigar, which the Twins lighted for him and then +he began. + +"You may not have heard," he said, "that some twenty or thirty years +ago I was in command of an expedition in Africa. Our object was to +find Lake Majolica, which we hoped would turn up half way between +Lollokolela and the Clebungo Mountains. Lollokolela was the +furthermost point to which civilisation had reached at that time, and +was directly in the pathway to the Clebungo Mountains, which the +natives said were full of gold and silver mines and scattered all over +which were reputed to be caves in which diamonds and rubies and other +gems of the rarest sort were to be found in great profusion. No white +man had ever succeeded in reaching this marvellously rich range of +hills for the reason that after leaving Lollokolela there was, as far +as was known, no means of obtaining water, and countless adventurous +spirits had had to give up because of the overpowering thirst which +the climate brought upon them. + +"Under such circumstances it was considered by a company of gentlemen +in London to be well worth their while to set about the discovery of a +lake, which they decided in advance to call Majolica, for reasons best +known to themselves; they probably wanted to jar somebody with it. And +to me was intrusted the mission of leading the expedition. I will +confess that I did not want to go for the very good reason that I did +not wish to be eaten alive by the savage tribes that infested that +region, but the company provided me with a close fitting suit of mail, +which I wore from the time I started until I returned. It was very +fortunate for me that I was so provided, for on three distinct +occasions I was served up for state dinners and each time successfully +resisted the carving knife and as a result, was thereafter well +received, all the chiefs looking upon me as one who bore a charmed +existence." + +Here the Baron paused long enough for the Twins to reflect upon and +realise the terrors which had beset him on his way to Lake Majolica, +and be it said that if they had thought him brave before they now +deemed him a very hero of heroes. + +"When I set out," said the Baron, "I was accompanied by ten Zanzibaris +and a thousand tins of condensed dinners." + +"A thousand what, Uncle Munch?" asked Jack, his mouth watering. + +"Condensed dinners," said the Baron, "I had a lot of my favourite +dinners condensed and put up in tins. I didn't expect to be gone more +than a year and a thousand dinners condensed and tinned, together with +the food I expected to find on the way, elephant meat, rhinoceros +steaks, and tiger chops, I thought would suffice for the trip. I could +eat the condensed dinners and my followers could have the elephant's +meat, rhinoceros steaks, and tiger chops--not to mention the bananas +and other fruits which grow wild in the African jungle. It was not +long, however, before I made the discovery that the Zanzibaris, in +order to eat tigers, need to learn first how to keep tigers from +eating them. We went to bed late one night on the fourth day out from +Lollokolela, and when we waked up the next morning every mother's son +of us, save myself, had been eaten by tigers, and again it was nothing +but my coat of mail that saved me. There were eighteen tigers' teeth +sticking into the sleeve of the coat, as it was. You can imagine my +distress at having to continue the search for Lake Majolica alone. It +was then that I acquired the habit of talking to myself, which has +kept me young ever since, for I enjoy my own conversation hugely, and +find myself always a sympathetic listener. I walked on for days and +days, until finally, on Christmas Eve, I reached King Mtulu's palace. +Of course your idea of a palace is a magnificent five-story building +with beautiful carvings all over the front of it, marble stair-cases +and handsomely painted and gilded ceilings. King Mtulu's palace was +nothing of the sort, although for that region it was quite +magnificent, the walls being decorated with elephants' tusks, +crocodile teeth and many other treasures such as delight the soul of +the Central African. + +"Now as I may not have told you, King Mtulu was the fiercest of the +African chiefs, and it is said that up to the time when I outwitted +him no white man had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale. +Consequently, when without knowing it on this sultry Christmas Eve, +laden with the luggage and the tinned dinners and other things I had +brought with me I stumbled upon the blood-thirsty monarch I gave +myself up for lost. + +"'Who comes here to disturb the royal peace?' cried Mtulu, savagely, +as I crossed the threshold. + +"'It is I, your highness,' I returned, my face blanching, for I +recognized him at once by the ivory ring he wore in the end of his +nose. + +"'Who is I?' retorted Mtulu, picking up his battle axe and striding +forward. + +"A happy thought struck me then. These folks are superstitious. +Perhaps the missionaries may have told these uncivilised creatures the +story of Santa Claus. I will pretend that I am Santa Claus. So I +answered, 'Who is I, O Mtulu, Bravest of the Taafe Chiefs? I am Santa +Claus, the Children's Friend, and bearer of gifts to and for all.' + +"Mtulu gazed at me narrowly for a moment and then he beat lightly upon a +tom-tom at his side. Immediately thirty of the most villainous-looking +natives, each armed with a club, appeared. + +"'Arrest that man,' said Mtulu, 'before he goes any farther. He is an +impostor.' + +"'If your majesty pleases,' I began. + +"'Silence!' he cried, 'I am fierce and I eat men, but I love truth. +The truthful man has nothing to fear from me, for I have been +converted from my evil ways and since last New Year's day I have eaten +only those who have attempted to deceive me. You will be served raw at +dinner to-morrow night. My respect for your record as a man of courage +leads me to spare you the torture of the frying-pan. You are Baron +Munchausen. I recognized you the moment you turned pale. Another man +would have blushed.' + +"So I was carried off and shut up in a mud hovel, the interior walls +of which were of white, a fact which strangely enough, preserved my +life when later I came to the crucial moment. I had brought with me, +among other things, for my amusement solely, a magic lantern. As a +child, I had always been particularly fond of pictures, and when I +thought of the lonely nights in Africa, with no books at hand, no +theatres, no cotillions to enliven the monotony of my life, I resolved +to take with me my little magic-lantern as much for company as for +anything else. It was very compact in form. It folded up to be hardly +larger than a wallet containing a thousand one dollar bills, and the +glass lenses of course could be carried easily in my trousers pockets. +The views, instead of being mounted on glass, were put on a substance +not unlike glass, but thinner, called gelatine. All of these things I +carried in my vest pockets, and when Mtulu confiscated my luggage the +magic lantern and views of course escaped his notice. + +"Christmas morning came and passed and I was about to give myself up +for lost, for Mtulu was not a king to be kept from eating a man by +anything so small as a suit of mail, when I received word that before +dinner my captor and his suite were going to pay me a formal parting +call. Night was coming on and as I sat despondently awaiting the +king's arrival, I suddenly bethought me of a lantern slide of the +British army, standing and awaiting the command to fire, I happened to +have with me. It was a superb view--lifelike as you please. Why not +throw that on the wall and when Mtulu enters he will find me +apparently with a strong force at my command, thought I. It was no +sooner thought than it was done and my life was saved. Hardly was that +noble picture reflected upon the rear wall of my prison when the door +opened and Mtulu, followed by his suite, appeared. I rose to greet +him, but apparently he saw me not. Mute with terror he stood upon the +threshold gazing at that terrible line of soldiers ready as he thought +to sweep him and his men from the face of the earth with their +death-dealing bullets. + +[Illustration: "'I am your slave,' he replied to my greeting, kneeling +before me, 'I yield all to you.'" _Chapter VII._] + +"'I am your slave,' he replied to my greeting, kneeling before me, 'I +yield all to you.' + +"'I thought you would,' said I. 'But I ask nothing save the discovery +of Lake Majolica. If within twenty-four hours Lake Majolica is not +discovered I give the command to fire!' Then I turned and gave the +order to carry arms, and lo! by a quick change of slides, the army +appeared at a carry. Mtulu gasped with terror, but accepted my +ultimatum. I was freed, Lake Majolica was discovered before ten +o'clock the next morning, and at five o'clock I was on my way home, +the British army reposing quietly in my breast pocket. It was a mighty +narrow escape!" + +"I should say so," said the Twins. "But Mtulu must have been awful +stupid not to see what it was." + +"Didn't he see through it when he saw you put the army in your +pocket?" asked Diavolo. + +"No," said the Baron, "that frightened him worse than ever, for you +see he reasoned this way. If I could carry an army in my pocket-book, +what was to prevent my carrying Mtulu himself and all his tribe off in +the same way! He thought I was a marvellous man to be able to do +that." + +"Well, we guess he was right," said the Twins, as they climbed down +from the Baron's lap to find an atlas and search the map of Africa for +Lake Majolica. This they failed to find and the Baron's explanation is +unknown to me, for when the Imps returned, the warrior had departed. + + + + +VIII + +AN ADVENTURE IN THE DESERT + + +"The editor has a sort of notion, Mr. Munchausen," said Ananias, as he +settled down in the big arm-chair before the fire in the Baron's +library, "that he'd like to have a story about a giraffe. Public taste +has a necky quality about it of late." + +"What do you say to that, Sapphira?" asked the Baron, politely turning +to Mrs. Ananias, who had called with her husband. "Are you interested +in giraffes?" + +"I like lions better," said Sapphira. "They roar louder and bite more +fiercely." + +"Well, suppose we compromise," said the Baron, "and have a story about +a poodle dog. Poodle dogs sometimes look like lions, and as a rule +they are as gentle as giraffes." + +"I know a better scheme than that," put in Ananias. "Tell us a story +about a lion and a giraffe, and if you feel disposed throw in a few +poodles for good measure. I'm writing on space this year." + +"That's so," said Sapphira, wearily. "I could say it was a story about +a lion and Ananias could call it a giraffe story, and we'd each be +right." + +"Very well," said the Baron, "it shall be a story of each, only I must +have a cigar before I begin. Cigars help me to think, and the +adventure I had in the Desert of Sahara with a lion, a giraffe, and a +slippery elm tree was so long ago that I shall have to do a great deal +of thinking in order to recall it." + +So the Baron went for a cigar, while Ananias and Sapphira winked +enviously at each other and lamented their lost glory. In a minute the +Baron returned with the weed, and after lighting it, began his story. + +"I was about twenty years old when this thing happened to me," said +he. "I had gone to Africa to investigate the sand in the Desert of +Sahara for a Sand Company in America. As you may already have heard, +sand is a very useful thing in a great many ways, more particularly +however in the building trades. The Sand Company was formed for the +purpose of supplying sand to everybody that wanted it, but land in +America at that time was so very expensive that there was very little +profit in the business. People who owned sand banks and sand lots +asked outrageous prices for their property; and the sea-shore people +were not willing to part with any of theirs because they needed it in +their hotel business. The great attraction of a seaside hotel is the +sand on the beach, and of course the proprietors weren't going to sell +that. They might better even sell their brass bands. So the Sand +Company thought it might be well to build some steam-ships, load them +with oysters, or mowing machines, or historical novels, or anything +else that is produced in the United States, and in demand elsewhere; +send them to Egypt, sell the oysters, or mowing machines, or +historical novels, and then have the ships fill up with sand from the +Sahara, which they could get for nothing, and bring it back in ballast +to the United States." + +"It must have cost a lot!" said Ananias. + +"Not at all," returned the Baron. "The profits on the oysters and +mowing machines and historical novels were so large that all expenses +both ways were more than paid, so that when it was delivered in +America the sand had really cost less than nothing. We could have +thrown it all overboard and still have a profit left. It was I who +suggested the idea to the President of the Sand Company--his name was +Bartlett, or--ah--Mulligan--or some similar well-known American name, +I can't exactly recall it now. However, Mr. Bartlett, or Mr. Mulligan, +or whoever it was, was very much pleased with the idea and asked me if +I wouldn't go to the Sahara, investigate the quality of the sand, and +report; and as I was temporarily out of employment I accepted the +commission. Six weeks later I arrived in Cairo and set out immediately +on a tour of the desert. I went alone because I preferred not to take +any one into my confidence, and besides one can always be more +independent when he has only his own wishes to consult. I also went on +foot, for the reason that camels need a great deal of care--at least +mine would have, if I'd had one, because I always like to have my +steeds well groomed whether there is any one to see them or not. So to +save myself trouble I started off alone on foot. In twenty-four hours +I travelled over a hundred miles of the desert, and the night of the +second day found me resting in the shade of a slippery elm tree in the +middle of an oasis, which after much suffering and anxiety I had +discovered. It was a beautiful moonlight night and I was enjoying it +hugely. There were no mosquitoes or insects of any kind to interfere +with my comfort. No insects could have flown so far across the sands. +I have no doubt that many of them have tried to get there, but up to +the time of my arrival none had succeeded, and I felt as happy as +though I were in Paradise. + +"After eating my supper and taking a draught of the delicious spring +water that purled up in the middle of the oasis, I threw myself down +under the elm tree, and began to play my violin, without which in +those days I never went anywhere." + +"I didn't know you played the violin," said Sapphira. "I thought your +instrument was the trombone--plenty of blow and a mighty stretch." + +"I don't--now," said the Baron, ignoring the sarcasm. "I gave it up +ten years ago--but that's a different story. How long I played that +night I don't know, but I do know that lulled by the delicious strains +of the music and soothed by the soft sweetness of the atmosphere I +soon dropped off to sleep. Suddenly I was awakened by what I thought +to be the distant roar of thunder. 'Humph!' I said to myself. 'This is +something new. A thunder storm in the Desert of Sahara is a thing I +never expected to see, particularly on a beautifully clear moonlight +night'--for the moon was still shining like a great silver ball in the +heavens, and not a cloud was anywhere to be seen. Then it occurred to +me that perhaps I had been dreaming, so I turned over to go to sleep +again. Hardly had I closed my eyes when a second ear-splitting roar +came bounding over the sands, and I knew that it was no dream, but an +actual sound that I heard. I sprang to my feet and looked about the +horizon and there, a mere speck in the distance, was something--for +the moment I thought a cloud, but in another instant I changed my +mind, for glancing through my telescope I perceived it was not a cloud +but a huge lion with the glitter of hunger in his eye. What I had +mistaken for the thunder was the roar of this savage beast. I seized +my gun and felt for my cartridge box only to discover that I had lost +my ammunition and was there alone, unarmed, in the great desert, at +the mercy of that savage creature, who was drawing nearer and nearer +every minute and giving forth the most fearful roars you ever heard. +It was a terrible moment and I was in despair. + +"'It's all up with you, Baron,' I said to myself, and then I caught +sight of the tree. It seemed my only chance. I must climb that. I +tried, but alas! As I have told you it was a slippery elm tree, and I +might as well have tried to climb a greased pole. Despite my frantic +efforts to get a grip upon the trunk I could not climb more than two +feet without slipping back. It was impossible. Nothing was left for me +to do but to take to my legs, and I took to them as well as I knew +how. My, what a run it was, and how hopeless. The beast was gaining on +me every second, and before me lay mile after mile of desert. 'Better +give up and treat the beast to a breakfast, Baron,' I moaned to +myself. 'When there's only one thing to do, you might as well do it +and be done with it. Your misery will be over the more quickly if you +stop right here.' As I spoke these words, I slowed up a little, but +the frightful roaring of the lion unnerved me for an instant, or +rather nerved me on to a spurt, which left the lion slightly more to +the rear--and which resulted in the saving of my life; for as I ran +on, what should I see about a mile ahead but another slippery elm +tree, and under it stood a giraffe who had apparently fallen asleep +while browsing among its upper branches, and filling its stomach with +its cooling cocoanuts. The giraffe had its back to me, and as I sped +on I formed my plan. I would grab hold of the giraffe's tail; haul +myself up onto his back; climb up his neck into the tree, and then +give my benefactor a blow between the eyes which would send him flying +across the desert before the lion could come along and get up into the +tree the same way I did. The agony of fear I went through as I +approached the long-necked creature was something dreadful. Suppose +the giraffe should be awakened by the roaring of the lion before I got +there and should rush off himself to escape the fate that awaited me? +I nearly dropped, I was so nervous, and the lion was now not more than +a hundred yards away. I could hear his breath as he came panting on. I +redoubled my speed; his pants came closer, closer, until at length +after what seemed a year, I reached the giraffe, caught his tail, +raised myself up to his back, crawled along his neck and dropped +fainting into the tree just as the lion sprang upon the giraffe's back +and came on toward me. What happened then I don't know, for as I have +told you I swooned away; but I do know that when I came to, the +giraffe had disappeared and the lion lay at the foot of the tree dead +from a broken neck." + +"A broken neck?" demanded Sapphira. + +"Yes," returned the Baron. "A broken neck! From which I concluded that +as the lion reached the nape of the giraffe's neck, the giraffe had +waked up and bent his head toward the earth, thus causing the lion to +fall head first to the ground instead of landing as he had expected in +the tree with me." + +"It was wonderful," said Sapphira, scornfully. + +"Yes," said Ananias, "but I shouldn't think a lion could break his +neck falling off a giraffe. Perhaps it was one of the slippery elm +cocoanuts that fell on him." + +"Well, of course," said the Baron, rising, "that would all depend upon +the height of the giraffe. Mine was the tallest one I ever saw." + +"About how tall?" asked Ananias. + +"Well," returned the Baron, thoughtfully, as if calculating, "did you +ever see the Eiffel Tower?" + +"Yes," said Ananias. + +"Well," observed the Baron, "I don't think my giraffe was more than +half as tall as that." + +With which estimate the Baron bowed his guests out of the room, and +with a placid smile on his face, shook hands with himself. + +"Mr. and Mrs. Ananias are charming people," he chuckled, "but amateurs +both--deadly amateurs." + +[Illustration: "I reached the giraffe, raised myself to his back, crawled +along his neck and dropped fainting into the tree." _Chapter VIII._] + + + + +IX + +DECORATION DAY IN THE CANNIBAL ISLANDS + + +"Uncle Munch," said Diavolo as he clambered up into the old warrior's +lap, "I don't suppose you could tell us a story about Decoration Day +could you?" + +"I think I might try," said Mr. Munchausen, puffing thoughtfully upon +his cigar and making a ring with the smoke for Angelica to catch upon +her little thumb. "I might try--but it will all depend upon whether +you want me to tell you about Decoration Day as it is celebrated in +the United States, or the way a band of missionaries I once knew in +the Cannibal Islands observed it for twenty years or more." + +"Why can't we have both stories?" said Angelica. "I think that would +be the nicest way. Two stories is twice as good as one." + +"Well, I don't know," returned Mr. Munchausen. "You see the trouble is +that in the first instance I could tell you only what a beautiful +thing it is that every year the people have a day set apart upon which +they especially honour the memory of the noble fellows who lost their +lives in defence of their country. I'm not much of a poet and it takes +a poet to be able to express how beautiful and grand it all is, and so +I should be afraid to try it. Besides it might sadden your little +hearts to have me dwell upon the almost countless number of heroes who +let themselves be killed so that their fellow-citizens might live in +peace and happiness. I'd have to tell you about hundreds and hundreds +of graves scattered over the battle fields that no one knows about, +and which, because no one knows of them, are not decorated at all, +unless Nature herself is kind enough to let a little dandelion or a +daisy patch into the secret, so that they may grow on the green grass +above these forgotten, unknown heroes who left their homes, were shot +down and never heard of afterwards." + +"Does all heroes get killed?" asked Angelica. + +"No," said Mr. Munchausen. "I and a great many others lived through +the wars and are living yet." + +"Well, how about the missionaries?" said Diavolo. "I didn't know they +had Decoration Day in the Cannibal Islands." + +"I didn't either until I got there," returned the Baron. "But they +have and they have it in July instead of May. It was one of the most +curious things I ever saw and the natives, the men who used to be +cannibals, like it so much that if the missionaries were to forget it +they'd either remind them of it or have a celebration of their own. I +don't know whether I ever told you about my first experience with the +cannibals--did I?" + +"I don't remember it, but if you had I would have," said Diavolo. + +"So would I," said Angelica. "I remember most everything you say, +except when I want you to say it over again, and even then I haven't +forgotten it." + +"Well, it happened this way," said the Baron. "It was when I was +nineteen years old. I sort of thought at that time I'd like to be a +sailor, and as my father believed in letting me try whatever I wanted +to do I took a position as first mate of a steam brig that plied +between San Francisco and Nepaul, taking San Francisco canned tomatoes +to Nepaul and bringing Nepaul pepper back to San Francisco, making +several dollars both ways. Perhaps I ought to explain to you that +Nepaul pepper is red, and hot; not as hot as a furnace fire, but hot +enough for your papa and myself when we order oysters at a club and +have them served so cold that we think they need a little more warmth +to make them palatable and digestible. You are not yet old enough to +know the meaning of such words as palatable and digestible, but some +day you will be and then you'll know what your Uncle means. At any +rate it was on the return voyage from Nepaul that the water tank on +the _Betsy S._ went stale and we had to stop at the first place we +could to fill it up with fresh water. So we sailed along until we came +in sight of an Island and the Captain appointed me and two sailors a +committee of three to go ashore and see if there was a spring anywhere +about. We went, and the first thing we knew we were in the midst of a +lot of howling, hungry savages, who were crazy to eat us. My +companions were eaten, but when it came to my turn I tried to reason +with the chief. 'Now see here, my friend,' said I, 'I'm perfectly +willing to be served up at your breakfast, if I can only be convinced +that you will enjoy eating me. What I don't want is to have my life +wasted!' 'That's reasonable enough,' said he. 'Have you got a sample +of yourself along for me to taste?' 'I have,' I replied, taking out a +bottle of Nepaul pepper, that by rare good luck I happened to have in +my pocket. 'That is a portion of my left foot powdered. It will give +you some idea of what I taste like,' I added. 'If you like that, +you'll like me. If you don't, you won't.'" + +"That was fine," said Diavolo. "You told pretty near the truth, too, +Uncle Munch, because you are hot stuff yourself, ain't you?" + +"I am so considered, my boy," said Mr. Munchausen. "The chief took a +teaspoonful of the pepper down at a gulp, and let me go when he +recovered. He said he guessed I wasn't quite his style, and he thought +I'd better depart before I set fire to the town. So I filled up the +water bag, got into the row-boat, and started back to the ship, but +the _Betsy S._ had gone and I was forced to row all the way to San +Francisco, one thousand, five hundred and sixty-two miles distant. The +captain and crew had given us all up for lost. I covered the distance +in six weeks, living on water and Nepaul pepper, and when I finally +reached home, I told my father that, after all, I was not so sure that +I liked a sailor's life. But I never forgot those cannibals or their +island, as you may well imagine. They and their home always interested +me hugely and I resolved if the fates ever drove me that way again, I +would go ashore and see how the people were getting on. The fates, +however, were a long time in drawing me that way again, for it was not +until July, ten years ago that I reached there the second time. I was +off on a yachting trip, with an English friend, when one afternoon we +dropped anchor off that Cannibal Island. + +"'Let's go ashore,' said I. 'What for?' said my host; and then I told +him the story and we went, and it was well we did so, for it was then +and there that I discovered the new way the missionaries had of +celebrating Decoration Day. + +"No sooner had we landed than we noticed that the Island had become +civilised. There were churches, and instead of tents and mud-hovels, +beautiful residences appeared here and there, through the trees. 'I +fancy this isn't the island,' said my host. 'There aren't any +cannibals about here.' I was about to reply indignantly, for I was +afraid he was doubting the truth of my story, when from the top of a +hill, not far distant, we heard strains of music. We went to see +whence it came, and what do you suppose we saw? Five hundred +villainous looking cannibals marching ten abreast along a fine street, +and, cheering them from the balconies of the houses that fronted on +the highway, were the missionaries and their friends and their +children and their wives. + +"'This can't be the place, after all,' said my host again. + +"'Yes it is,' said I, 'only it has been converted. They must be +celebrating some native festival.' Then as I spoke the procession +stopped and the head missionary followed by a band of beautiful girls, +came down from a platform and placed garlands of flowers and beautiful +wreaths on the shoulders and heads of those reformed cannibals. In +less than an hour every one of the huge black fellows was covered with +roses and pinks and fragrant flowers of all kinds, and then they +started on parade again. It was a fine sight, but I couldn't +understand what it was all done for until that night, when I dined +with the head missionary--and what do you suppose it was?" + +"I give it up," said Diavolo, "maybe the missionaries thought the +cannibals didn't have enough clothes on." + +"I guess I can't guess," said Angelica. + +"They were celebrating Decoration Day," said Mr. Munchausen. "They +were strewing flowers on the graves of departed missionaries." + +"You didn't tell us about any graves," said Diavolo. + +[Illustration: "They were celebrating Decoration Day ... strewing +flowers on the graves of departed missionaries." _Chapter IX._] + +"Why certainly I did," said the Baron. "The cannibals themselves were +the only graves those poor departed missionaries ever had. Every one +of those five hundred savages was the grave of a missionary, my dears, +and having been converted, and taught that it was not good to eat +their fellow-men, they did all in their power afterwards to show their +repentance, keeping alive the memory of the men they had treated so +badly by decorating themselves on memorial day--and one old fellow, +the savagest looking, but now the kindest-hearted being in the world, +used always to wear about his neck a huge sign, upon which he had +painted in great black letters: + + HERE LIES + JOHN THOMAS WILKINS, + SAILOR. + DEPARTED THIS LIFE, MAY 24TH, 1861. + HE WAS A MAN OF SPLENDID TASTE. + +"The old cannibal had eaten Wilkins and later when he had been +converted and realised that he himself was the grave of a worthy man, +as an expiation he devoted his life to the memory of John Thomas +Wilkins, and as a matter of fact, on the Cannibal Island Decoration +Day he would lie flat on the floor all the day, groaning under the +weight of a hundred potted plants, which he placed upon himself in +memory of Wilkins." + +Here Mr. Munchausen paused for breath, and the twins went out into the +garden to try to imagine with the aid of a few practical experiments +how a cannibal would look with a hundred potted plants adorning his +person. + + + + +X + +MR. MUNCHAUSEN'S ADVENTURE WITH A SHARK + + + Mr. and Mrs. Henry B. Ananias. + _THURSDAYS._ _CIMMERIA._ + +This was the card sent by the reporter of the _Gehenna Gazette_, and +Mrs. Ananias to Mr. Munchausen upon his return from a trip to mortal +realms concerning which many curious reports have crept into +circulation. Owing to a rumour persistently circulated at one time, +Mr. Munchausen had been eaten by a shark, and it was with the +intention of learning, if possible, the basis for the rumour that +Ananias and Sapphira called upon the redoubtable Baron of other days. + +Mr. Munchausen graciously received the callers and asked what he could +do for them. + +"Our readers, Mr. Munchausen," explained Ananias, "have been much +concerned over rumours of your death at the hands of a shark." + +"Sharks have no hands," said the Baron quietly. + +"Well--that aside," observed Ananias. "Were you killed by a shark?" + +"Not that I recall," said the Baron. "I may have been, but I don't +remember it. Indeed I recall only one adventure with a shark. That +grew out of my mission on behalf of France to the Czar of Russia. I +carried letters once from the King of France to his Imperial Coolness +the Czar." + +"What was the nature of the letters?" asked Ananias. + +"I never knew," replied the Baron. "As I have said, it was a secret +mission, and the French Government never took me into its confidence. +The only thing I know about it is that I was sent to St. Petersburg, +and I went, and in the course of time I made myself much beloved of +both the people and his Majesty the Czar. I am the only person that +ever lived that was liked equally by both, and if I had attached +myself permanently to the Czar, Russia would have been a different +country to-day." + +"What country would it have been, Mr. Munchausen," asked Sapphira +innocently, "Germany or Siam?" + +"I can't specify, my dear madame," the Baron replied. "It wouldn't be +fair. But, at any rate, I went to Russia, and was treated warmly by +everybody, except the climate, which was, as it is at all times, very +freezing. That's the reason the Russian people like the climate. It is +the only thing the Czar can't change by Imperial decree, and the +people admire its independence and endure it for that reason. But as I +have said, everybody was pleased with me, and the Czar showed me +unusual attention. He gave fêtes in my honour. He gave the most +princely dinners, and I met the very best people in St. Petersburg, +and at one of these dinners I was invited to join a yachting party on +a cruise around the world. + +"Well, of course, though a landsman in every sense of the word, I am +fond of yachting, and I immediately accepted the invitation. The yacht +we went on was the Boomski Zboomah, belonging to Prince--er--now +what was that Prince's name! Something like--er--Sheeroff or +Jibski--or--er--well, never mind that. I meet so many princes it is +difficult to remember their names. We'll say his name was Jibski." + +"Suppose we do," said Ananias, with a jealous grin. "Jibski is such a +remarkable name. It will look well in print." + +"All right," said the Baron, "Jibski be it. The yacht belonged to +Prince Jibski, and she was a beauty. There was a stateroom and a +steward for everybody on board, and nothing that could contribute to a +man's comfort was left unattended to. We set sail on the 23rd of +August, and after cruising about the North coast of Europe for a week +or two, we steered the craft south, and along about the middle of +September we reached the Amphibian Islands, and anchored. It was here +that I had my first and last experience with sharks. If they had been +plain, ordinary sharks I'd have had an easy time of it, but when you +get hold of these Amphibian sharks you are likely to get yourself into +twenty-three different kinds of trouble." + +"My!" said Sapphira. "All those? Does the number include being struck +by lightning?" + +"Yes," the Baron answered, "And when you remember that there are only +twenty-four different kinds altogether you can see what a peck of +trouble an Amphibian shark can get you into. I thought my last hour +had come when I met with him. You see when we reached the Amphibian +Islands, we naturally thought we'd like to go ashore and pick the +cocoanuts and raisins and other things that grow there, and when I got +upon dry land again I felt strongly tempted to go down upon the +beautiful little beach in the harbour and take a swim. Prince Jibski +advised me against it, but I was set upon going. He told me the place +was full of sharks, but I wasn't afraid because I was always a +remarkably rapid swimmer, and I felt confident of my ability, in case +I saw a shark coming after me, to swim ashore before he could possibly +catch me, provided I had ten yards start. So in I went leaving my gun +and clothing on the beach. Oh, it was fun! The water was quite warm, +and the sandy bottom of the bay was deliciously soft and pleasant to +the feet. I suppose I must have sported in the waves for ten or +fifteen minutes before the trouble came. I had just turned a +somersault in the water, when, as my head came to the surface, I saw +directly in front of me, the unmistakable fin of a shark, and to my +unspeakable dismay not more than five feet away. As I told you, if it +had been ten yards away I should have had no fear, but five feet meant +another story altogether. My heart fairly jumped into my mouth. It +would have sunk into my boots if I had had them on, but I hadn't, so +it leaped upward into my mouth as I turned to swim ashore, by which +time the shark had reduced the distance between us by one foot. I +feared that all was up with me, and was trying to think of an +appropriate set of last words, when Prince Jibski, noting my peril, +fired one of the yacht's cannon in our direction. Ordinarily this +would have been useless, for the yacht's cannon was never loaded with +anything but a blank charge, but in this instance it was better than +if it had been loaded with ball and shot, for not only did the sound +of the explosion attract the attention of the shark and cause him to +pause for a moment, but also the wadding from the gun dropped directly +upon my back, so showing that Prince Jibski's aim was not as good as +it might have been. Had the cannon been loaded with a ball or a shell, +you can very well understand how it would have happened that yours +truly would have been killed then and there." + +"We should have missed you," said Ananias sweetly. + +"Thanks," said the Baron. "But to resume. The shark's pause gave me +the start I needed, and the heat from the burning wadding right +between my shoulders caused me to redouble my efforts to get away from +the shark and it, so that I never swam faster in my life, and was soon +standing upon the shore, jeering at my fearful pursuer, who, strange +to say, showed no inclination to stop the chase now that I was, as I +thought, safely out of his reach. I didn't jeer very long I can tell +you, for in another minute I saw why the shark didn't stop chasing me, +and why Amphibian sharks are worse than any other kind. That shark had +not only fins like all other sharks to swim with, but he had likewise +three pairs of legs that he could use on land quite as well as he +could use the fins in the water. And then began the prettiest chase +you ever saw in your life. As he emerged from the water I grabbed up +my gun and ran. Round and round the island we tore, I ahead, he thirty +or forty yards behind, until I got to a place where I could stop +running and take a hasty shot at him. Then I aimed, and fired. My aim +was good, but struck one of the huge creature's teeth, broke it off +short, and bounded off to one side. This made him more angry than +ever, and he redoubled his efforts to catch me. I redoubled mine, +until I could get another shot at him. The second shot, like the +first, struck the creature in the teeth, only this time it was more +effective. The bullet hit his jaw lengthwise, and knocked every tooth +on that side of his head down his throat. So it went. I ran. He +pursued. I fired; he lost his teeth, until finally I had knocked out +every tooth he had, and then, of course, I wasn't afraid of him, and +let him come up with me. With his teeth he could have ground me to +atoms at one bite. Without them he was as powerless as a bowl of +currant jelly, and when he opened his huge jaws, as he supposed to +bite me in two, he was the most surprised looking fish you ever saw on +land or sea to discover that the effect his jaws had upon my safety +was about as great as had they been nothing but two feather bed +mattresses." + +"You must have been badly frightened, though," said Ananias. + +"No," said the Baron. "I laughed in the poor disappointed thing's +face, and with a howl of despair, he rushed back into the sea again. I +made the best time I could back to the yacht for fear he might return +with assistance." + +"And didn't you ever see him again, Baron?" asked Sapphira. + +"Yes, but only from the deck of the yacht as we were weighing anchor," +said Mr. Munchausen. "I saw him and a dozen others like him doing +precisely what I thought they would do, going ashore to search me out +so as to have a little cold Munch for dinner. I'm glad they were +disappointed, aren't you?" + +"Yes, indeed," said Ananias and Sapphira, but not warmly. + +Ananias was silent for a moment, and then walking over to one of the +bookcases, he returned in a moment, bringing with him a huge atlas. + +"Where are the Amphibian Islands, Mr. Munchausen?" he said, opening +the book. "Show them to me on the map. I'd like to print the map with +my story." + +"Oh, I can't do that," said the Baron, "because they aren't on the map +any more. When I got back to Europe and told the map-makers about the +dangers to man on those islands, they said that the interests of +humanity demanded that they be lost. So they took them out of all the +geographies, and all the cyclopædias, and all the other books, so that +nobody ever again should be tempted to go there; and there isn't a +school-teacher or a sailor in the world to-day who could tell you +where they are." + +"But, you know, don't you?" persisted Ananias. + +"Well, I did," said the Baron; "but, really I have had to remember so +many other things that I have forgotten that. All that I know is that +they were named from the fact that they were infested by Amphibious +animals, which are animals that can live on land as well as on water." + +"How strange!" said Sapphira. + +"It's just too queer for anything," said Ananias, "but on the whole +I'm not surprised." + +And the Baron said he was glad to hear it. + +[Illustration: "I laughed in the poor disappointed thing's face, and +with a howl of despair he rushed back into the sea." _Chapter X._] + + + + +XI + +THE BARON AS A RUNNER + + +The Twins had been on the lookout for the Baron for at least an hour, +and still he did not come, and the little Imps were beginning to feel +blue over the prospect of getting the usual Sunday afternoon story. It +was past four o'clock, and for as long a time as they could remember +the Baron had never failed to arrive by three o'clock. All sorts of +dreadful possibilities came up before their mind's eye. They pictured +the Baron in accidents of many sorts. They conjured up visions of him +lying wounded beneath the ruins of an apartment house, or something +else equally heavy that might have fallen upon him on his way from his +rooms to the station, but that he was more than wounded they did not +believe, for they knew that the Baron was not the sort of man to be +killed by anything killing under the sun. + +"I wonder where he can be?" said Angelica, uneasily to her brother, +who was waiting with equal anxiety for their common friend. + +"Oh, he's all right!" said Diavolo, with a confidence he did not +really feel. "He'll turn up all right, and even if he's two hours late +he'll be here on time according to his own watch. Just you wait and +see." + +And they did wait and they did see. They waited for ten minutes, when +the Baron drove up, smiling as ever, but apparently a little out of +breath. I should not dare to say that he was really out of breath, but +he certainly did seem to be so, for he panted visibly, and for two or +three minutes after his arrival was quite unable to ask the Imps the +usual question as to their very good health. Finally, however, the +customary courtesies of the greeting were exchanged, and the decks +were cleared for action. + +"What kept you, Uncle Munch?" asked the Twins, as they took up their +usual position on the Baron's knees. + +"What what?" replied the warrior. "Kept me? Why, am I late?" + +"Two hours," said the Twins. "Dad gave you up and went out for a +walk." + +"Nonsense," said the Baron. "I'm never that late." + +Here he looked at his watch. + +"Why I do seem to be behind time. There must be something wrong with +our time-pieces. I can't be two hours late, you know." + +"Well, let's say you are on time, then," said the Twins. "What kept +you?" + +"A very funny accident on the railroad," said the Baron lighting a +cigar. "Queerest accident that ever happened to me on the railroad, +too. Our engine ran away." + +The Twins laughed as if they thought the Baron was trying to fool +them. + +"Really," said the Baron. "I left town as usual on the two o'clock +train, which, as you know, comes through in half an hour, without a +stop. Everything went along smoothly until we reached the Vitriol +Reservoir, when much to the surprise of everybody the train came to a +stand-still. I supposed there was a cow on the track, and so kept in +my seat for three or four minutes as did every one else. Finally the +conductor came through and called to the brakeman at the end of our +car to see if his brakes were all right. + +"'It's the most unaccountable thing,' he said to me. 'Here's this +train come to a dead stop and I can't see why. There isn't a brake out +of order on any one of the cars, and there isn't any earthly reason +why we shouldn't go ahead.' + +"'Maybe somebody's upset a bottle of glue on the track,' said I. I +always like to chaff the conductor, you know, though as far as that is +concerned, I remember once when I was travelling on a South American +Railway our train was stopped by highwaymen, who smeared the tracks +with a peculiar sort of gum. They'd spread it over three miles of +track, and after the train had gone lightly over two miles of it the +wheels stuck so fast ten engines couldn't have moved it. That was a +terrible affair." + +"I don't think we ever heard of that, did we?" asked Angelica. + +"I don't remember it," said Diavolo. + +"Well, you would have remembered it, if you had ever heard of it," +said the Baron. "It was too dreadful to be forgotten--not for us, you +know, but for the robbers. It was one of the Imperial trains in +Brazil, and if it hadn't been for me the Emperor would have been +carried off and held for ransom. The train was brought to a +stand-still by this gluey stuff, as I have told you, and the +desperadoes boarded the cars and proceeded to rifle us of our +possessions. The Emperor was in the car back of mine, and the robbers +made directly for him, but fathoming their intention I followed close +upon their heels. + +"'You are our game,' said the chief robber, tapping the Emperor on the +shoulder, as he entered the Imperial car. + +"'Hands off,' I cried throwing the ruffian to one side. + +"He scowled dreadfully at me, the Emperor looked surprised, and +another one of the robbers requested to know who was I that I should +speak with so much authority. 'Who am I?' said I, with a wink at the +Emperor. 'Who am I? Who else but Baron Munchausen of the Bodenwerder +National Guard, ex-friend of Napoleon of France, intimate of the +Mikado of Japan, and famed the world over as the deadliest shot in two +hemispheres.' + +"The desperadoes paled visibly as I spoke, and after making due +apologies for interfering with the train, fled shrieking from the car. +They had heard of me before. + +"'I thank you, sir,' began the Emperor, as the would-be assassins +fled, but I cut him short. 'They must not be allowed to escape,' I +said, and with that I started in pursuit of the desperate fellows, +overtook them, and glued them with the gum they had prepared for our +detention to the face of a precipice that rose abruptly from the side +of the railway, one hundred and ten feet above the level. There I left +them. We melted the glue from the tracks by means of our steam heating +apparatus, and were soon booming merrily on our way to Rio Janeiro +when I was fêted and dined continuously for weeks by the people, +though strange to say the Emperor's behaviour toward me was very +cool." + +"And did the robbers ever get down?" asked the Twins. + +"Yes, but not in a way they liked," Mr. Munchausen replied. "The sun +came out, and after a week or two melted the glue that held them to +the precipice, whereupon they fell to its base and were shattered into +pieces so small there wasn't an atom of them to be found when a month +later I passed that way again on my return trip." + +"And didn't the Emperor treat you well, Uncle Munch?" asked the Imps. + +"No--as I told you he was very cool towards me, and I couldn't +understand it, then, but I do now," said the Baron. "You see he was +very much in need of ready cash, the Emperor was, and as the taxpayers +were already growling about the expenses of the Government he didn't +dare raise the money by means of a tax. So he arranged with the +desperadoes to stop the train, capture him, and hold him for ransom. +Then when the ransom came along he was going to divide up with them. +My sudden appearance, coupled with my determination to rescue him, +spoiled his plan, you see, and so he naturally wasn't very grateful. +Poor fellow, I was very sorry for it afterward, because he really was +an excellent ruler, and his plan of raising the money he needed wasn't +a bit less honest than most other ways rulers employ to obtain revenue +for State purposes." + +"Well, now, let's get back to the runaway engine," said the Twins. +"You can tell us more about South America after you get through with +that. How did the engine come to run away?" + +"It was simple enough," said the Baron. "The engineer, after starting +the train came back into the smoking car to get a light for his pipe, +and while he was there the coupling-pin between the engine and the +train broke, and off skipped the engine twice as fast as it had been +going before. The relief from the weight of the train set its pace to +a mile a minute instead of a mile in two minutes, and there we were at +a dead stop in front of the Vitriol Station with nothing to move us +along. When the engineer saw what had happened he fainted dead away, +because you know if a collision had occurred between the runaway +engine and the train ahead he would have been held responsible." + +"Couldn't the fireman stop the engine?" asked the Twins. + +"No. That is, it wouldn't be his place to do it, and these railway +fellows are queer about that sort of thing," said the Baron. "The +engineers would go out upon a strike if the railroad were to permit a +stoker to manage the engine, and besides that the stoker wouldn't +undertake to do it at a stoker's wages, so there wasn't any help to be +looked for there. The conductor happened to be nearsighted, and so he +didn't find out that the engine was missing until he had wasted ten or +twenty minutes examining the brakes, by which time, of course, the +runaway was miles and miles up the track. Then the engineer came to, +and began to wring his hands and moan in a way that was heart-rending. +The conductor, too, began to cry, and all the brakemen left the train +and took to the woods. They weren't going to have any of the +responsibility for the accident placed on their shoulders. Whether +they will ever turn up again I don't know. But I realised as soon as +anybody else that something had to be done, so I rushed into the +telegraph office and telegraphed to all the station masters between +the Vitriol Reservoir and Cimmeria to clear the track of all trains, +freight, local, or express, or somebody would be hurt, and that I +myself would undertake to capture the runaway engine. This they all +promised to do, whereupon I bade good-bye to my fellow-travellers, and +set off up the track myself at full speed. In a minute I strode past +Sulphur Springs, covering at least eight ties at a stretch. In two +minutes I thundered past Lava Hurst, where I learned that the engine +had twenty miles start of me. I made a rapid calculation mentally--I +always was strong in mental arithmetic, which showed that unless I was +tripped up or got side-tracked somewhere I might overtake the runaway +before it reached Noxmere. Redoubling my efforts, my stride increased +to twenty ties at a jump, and I made the next five miles in two +minutes. It sounds impossible, but really it isn't so. It is hard to +run as fast as that at the start, but when you have got your start the +impetus gathered in the first mile's run sends you along faster in the +second, and so your speed increases by its own force until finally you +go like the wind. At Gasdale I had gained two miles on the engine, at +Sneakskill I was only fifteen miles behind, and upon my arrival at +Noxmere there was scarcely a mile between me and the fugitive. +Unfortunately a large crowd had gathered at Noxmere to see me pass +through, and some small boy had brought a dog along with him and the +dog stood directly in my path. If I ran over the dog it would kill him +and might trip me up. If I jumped with the impetus I had there was no +telling where I would land. It was a hard point to decide either way, +but I decided in favour of the jump, simply to save the dog's life, +for I love animals. I landed three miles up the road and ahead of the +engine, though I didn't know that until I had run ten miles farther +on, leaving the engine a hundred yards behind me at every stride. It +was at Miasmatica that I discovered my error and then I tried to stop. +It was almost in vain; I dragged my feet over the ties, but could only +slow down to a three-minute gait. Then I tried to turn around and slow +up running backward; this brought my speed down ten minutes to the +mile, which made it safe for me to run into a hay-stack at the side of +the railroad just this side of Cimmeria. Then, of course, I was all +right. I could sit down and wait for the engine, which came booming +along forty minutes later. As it approached I prepared to board it, +and in five minutes was in full control. That made it easy enough for +me to get back here without further trouble. I simply reversed the +lever, and back we came faster than I can describe, and just one hour +and a half from the time of the mishap the runaway engine was restored +to its deserted train and I reached your station here in good order. I +should have walked up, but for my weariness after that exciting run, +which as you see left me very much out of breath, and which made it +necessary for me to hire that worn-out old hack instead of walking up +as is my wont." + +[Illustration: "This brought my speed down ten minutes to the mile, +which made it safe for me to run into a haystack." _Chapter XI._] + +"Yes, we see you are out of breath," said the Twins, as the Baron +paused. "Would you like to lie down and take a rest?" + +"Above all things," said the Baron. "I'll take a nap here until your +father returns," which he proceeded at once to do. + +While he slept the two Imps gazed at him curiously, Angelica, a little +suspiciously. + +"Bub," said she, in a whisper, "do you think that was a true story?" + +"Well, I don't know," said Diavolo. "If anybody else than Uncle Munch +had told it, I wouldn't have believed it. But he hates untruth. I know +because he told me so." + +"That's the way I feel about it," said Angelica. "Of course, he can +run as fast as that, because he is very strong, but what I can't see +is how an engine ever could run away from its train." + +"That's what stumps me," said Diavolo. + + + + +XII + +MR. MUNCHAUSEN MEETS HIS MATCH + +(Reported by Henry W. Ananias for the _Gehenna Gazette_.) + + +When Mr. Munchausen, accompanied by Ananias and Sapphira, after a long +and tedious journey from Cimmeria to the cool and wooded heights of +the Blue Sulphur Mountains, entered the portals of the hotel where the +greater part of his summers are spent, the first person to greet him +was Beelzebub Sandboy,--the curly-headed Imp who acted as "Head Front" +of the Blue Sulphur Mountain House, his eyes a-twinkle and his swift +running feet as ever ready for a trip to any part of the hostelry and +back. Beelzy, as the Imp was familiarly known, as the party entered, +was in the act of carrying a half-dozen pitchers of iced-water +upstairs to supply thirsty guests with the one thing needful and best +to quench that thirst, and in his excitement at catching sight once +again of his ancient friend the Baron, managed to drop two of the +pitchers with a loud crash upon the office floor. This, however, was +not noticed by the powers that ruled. Beelzy was not perfect, and as +long as he smashed less than six pitchers a day on an average the +management was disposed not to complain. + +"There goes my friend Beelzy," said the Baron, as the pitchers fell. +"I am delighted to see him. I was afraid he would not be here this +year since I understand he has taken up the study of theology." + +"Theology?" cried Ananias. "In Hades?" + +"How foolish," said Sapphira. "We don't need preachers here." + +"He'd make an excellent one," said Mr. Munchausen. "He is a lad of +wide experience and his fish and bear stories are wonderful. If he can +make them gee, as he would put it, with his doctrines he would prove a +tremendous success. Thousands would flock to hear him for his bear +stories alone. As for the foolishness of his choice, I think it is a +very wise one. Everybody can't be a stoker, you know." + +At any rate, whatever the reasons for Beelzebub's presence, whether he +had given up the study of theology or not, there he was plying his old +vocation with the same perfection of carelessness as of yore, and +apparently no farther along in the study of theology than he was the +year before when he bade Mr. Munchausen "good-bye forever" with the +statement that now that he was going to lead a pious life the chances +were he'd never meet his friend again. + +"I don't see why they keep such a careless boy as that," said +Sapphira, as Beelzy at the first landing turned to grin at Mr. +Munchausen, emptying the contents of one of his pitchers into the lap +of a nervous old gentleman in the office below. + +"He adds an element of excitement to a not over-exciting place," +explained Mr. Munchausen. "On stormy days here the men make bets on +what fool thing Beelzy will do next. He blacked all the russet shoes +with stove polish one year, and last season in the rush of his daily +labours he filled up the water-cooler with soft coal instead of ice. +He's a great bell-boy, is my friend Beelzy." + +A little while later when Mr. Munchausen and his party had been shown +to their suite, Beelzy appeared in their drawing-room and was warmly +greeted by Mr. Munchausen, who introduced him to Mr. and Mrs. Ananias. + +"Well," said Mr. Munchausen, "you're here again, are you?" + +"No, indeed," said Beelzy. "I ain't here this year. I'm over at the +Coal-Yards shovellin' snow. I'm my twin brother that died three years +before I was born." + +"How interesting," said Sapphira, looking at the boy through her +lorgnette. + +Beelzy bowed in response to the compliment and observed to the Baron: + +"You ain't here yourself this season, be ye?" + +"No," said Mr. Munchausen, drily. "I've gone abroad. You've given up +theology I presume?" + +"Sorter," said Beelzy. "It was lonesome business and I hadn't been at +it more'n twenty minutes when I realised that bein' a missionary ain't +all jam and buckwheats. It's kind o' dangerous too, and as I didn't +exactly relish the idea o' bein' et up by Samoans an' Feejees I made +up my mind to give it up an' stick to bell-boyin' for another season +any how; but I'll see you later, Mr. Munchausen. I've got to hurry +along with this iced-water. It's overdue now, and we've got the +kickinest lot o' folks here this year you ever see. One man here the +other night got as mad as hookey because it took forty minutes to soft +bile an egg. Said two minutes was all that was necessary to bile an +egg softer'n mush, not understanding anything about the science of +eggs in a country where hens feeds on pebbles." + +"Pebbles?" cried Mr. Munchausen. "What, do they lay Roc's eggs?" + +Beelzy grinned. + +"No, sir--they lay hen's eggs all right, but they're as hard as Adam's +aunt." + +"I never heard of chickens eating pebbles," observed Sapphira with a +frown. "Do they really relish them?" + +"I don't know, Ma'am," said Beelzy. "I ain't never been on speakin' +terms with the hens, Ma'am, and they never volunteered no information. +They eat 'em just the same. They've got to eat something and up here +on these mountains there ain't anything but gravel for 'em to eat. +That's why they do it. Then when it comes to the eggs, on a diet like +that, cobblestones ain't in it with 'em for hardness, and when you +come to bite 'em it takes a week to get 'em soft, an' a steam drill to +get 'em open--an' this feller kicked at forty minutes! Most likely +he's swearin' around upstairs now because this iced-water ain't came; +and it ain't more than two hours since he ordered it neither." + +"What an unreasonable gentleman," said Sapphira. + +"Ain't he though!" said Beelzy. "And he ain't over liberal neither. +He's been here two weeks now and all the money I've got out of him was +a five-dollar bill I found on his bureau yesterday morning. There's +more money in theology than there is in him." + +With this Beelzebub grabbed up the pitcher of water, and bounded out +of the room like a frightened fawn. He disappeared into the dark of +the corridor, and a few moments later was evidently tumbling head over +heels up stairs, if the sounds that greeted the ears of the party in +the drawing-room meant anything. + +The next morning when there was more leisure for Beelzy the Baron +inquired as to the state of his health. + +"Oh it's been pretty good," said he. "Pretty good. I'm all right now, +barrin' a little gout in my right foot, and ice-water on my knee, an' +a crick in my back, an' a tired feelin' all over me generally. Ain't +had much to complain about. Had the measles in December, and the mumps +in February; an' along about the middle o' May the whoopin' cough got +a holt of me; but as it saved my life I oughtn't to kick about that." + +Here Beelzy looked gratefully at an invisible something--doubtless the +recollection in the thin air of his departed case of whooping cough, +for having rescued him from an untimely grave. + +"That is rather curious, isn't it?" queried Sapphira, gazing intently +into the boy's eyes. "I don't exactly understand how the whooping +cough could save anybody's life, do you, Mr. Munchausen?" + +"Beelzy, this lady would have you explain the situation, and I must +confess that I am myself somewhat curious to learn the details of this +wonderful rescue," said Mr. Munchausen. + +"Well, I must say," said Beelzy, with a pleased smile at the very +great consequence of his exploit in the lady's eyes, "if I was a-goin' +to start out to save people's lives generally I wouldn't have thought +a case o' whoopin' cough would be of much use savin' a man from +drownin', and I'm sure if a feller fell out of a balloon it wouldn't +help him much if he had ninety dozen cases o' whoopin' cough concealed +on his person; but for just so long as I'm the feller that has to come +up here every June, an' shoo the bears out o' the hotel, I ain't never +goin' to be without a spell of whoopin' cough along about that time if +I can help it. I wouldn't have been here now if it hadn't been for +it." + +"You referred just now," said Sapphira, "to shooing bears out of the +hotel. May I inquire what useful function in the ménage of a hotel a +bear-shooer performs?" + +"What useful what?" asked Beelzy. + +"Function--duty--what does the duty of a bear-shooer consist in?" +explained Mr. Munchausen. "Is he a blacksmith who shoes bears instead +of horses?" + +"He's a bear-chaser," explained Beelzy, "and I'm it," he added. "That, +Ma'am, is the function of a bear-shooer in the menagerie of a hotel." + +Sapphira having expressed herself as satisfied, Beelzebub continued. + +"You see this here house is shut up all winter, and when everybody's +gone and left it empty the bears come down out of the mountains and +use it instead of a cave. It's more cosier and less windier than their +dens. So when the last guest has gone, and all the doors are locked, +and the band gone into winter quarters, down come the bears and take +possession. They generally climb through some open window somewhere. +They divide up all the best rooms accordin' to their position in bear +society and settle down to a regular hotel life among themselves." + +"But what do they feed upon?" asked Sapphira. + +"Oh they'll eat anything when they're hungry," said Beelzy. "Sofa +cushions, parlor rugs, hotel registers--anything they can fasten their +teeth to. Last year they came in through the cupola, burrowin' down +through the snow to get at it, and there they stayed enjoyin' life out +o' reach o' the wind and storm, snug's bugs in rugs. Year before last +there must ha' been a hundred of 'em in the hotel when I got here, but +one by one I got rid of 'em. Some I smoked out with some cigars Mr. +Munchausen gave me the summer before; some I deceived out, gettin' 'em +to chase me through the winders, an' then doublin' back on my tracks +an' lockin' 'em out. It was mighty wearin' work. + +"Last June there was twice as many. By actual tab I shooed two hundred +and eight bears and a panther off into the mountains. When the last +one as I thought disappeared into the woods I searched the house from +top to bottom to see if there was any more to be got rid of. Every +blessed one of the five hundred rooms I went through, and not a bear +was left that I could see. I can tell you, I was glad, because there +was a partickerly ugly run of 'em this year, an' they gave me a pile +o' trouble. They hadn't found much to eat in the hotel, an' they was +disappointed and cross. As a matter of fact, the only things they +found in the place they could eat was a piano stool and an old hair +trunk full o' paper-covered novels, which don't make a very hearty +meal for two hundred and eight bears and a panther." + +"I should say not," said Sapphira, "particularly if the novels were as +light as most of them are nowadays." + +"I can't say as to that," said Beelzy. "I ain't got time to read 'em +and so I ain't any judge. But all this time I was sufferin' like +hookey with awful spasms of whoopin' cough. I whooped so hard once it +smashed one o' the best echoes in the place all to flinders, an' of +course that made the work twice as harder. So, naturally, when I found +there warn't another bear left in the hotel, I just threw myself down +anywhere, and slept. My! how I slept. I don't suppose anything ever +slept sounder'n I did. And then it happened." + +Beelzy gave his trousers a hitch and let his voice drop to a stage +whisper that lent a wondrous impressiveness to his narration. + +"As I was a-layin' there unconscious, dreamin' of home and father, a +great big black hungry bruin weighin' six hundred and forty-three +pounds, that had been hidin' in the bread oven in the bakery, where I +hadn't thought of lookin' for him, came saunterin' along, hummin' a +little tune all by himself, and lickin' his chops with delight at the +idee of havin' me raw for his dinner. I lay on unconscious of my +danger, until he got right up close, an' then I waked up, an' openin' +my eyes saw this great black savage thing gloatin' over me an' tears +of joy runnin' out of his mouth as he thought of the choice meal he +was about to have. He was sniffin' my bang when I first caught sight +of him." + +"Mercy!" cried Sapphira, "I should think you'd have died of fright." + +[Illustration: "At the first whoop Mr. Bear jumped ten feet and fell +over backwards on the floor." _Chapter XII._] + +"I did," said Beelzy, politely, "but I came to life again in a minute. +'Oh Lor!' says I, as I see how hungry he was. 'This here's the end o' +me;' at which the bear looked me straight in the eye, licked his chops +again, and was about to take a nibble off my right ear when 'Whoop!' I +had a spasm of whoopin'. Well, Ma'am, I guess you know what that +means. There ain't nothin' more uncanny, more terrifyin' in the whole +run o' human noises, barrin' a German Opery, than the whoop o' the +whoopin' cough. At the first whoop Mr. Bear jumped ten feet and fell +over backwards onto the floor; at the second he scrambled to his feet +and put for the door, but stopped and looked around hopin' he was +mistaken, when I whooped a third time. The third did the business. +That third whoop would have scared Indians. It was awful. It was like +a tornado blowin' through a fog-horn with a megaphone in front of it. +When he heard that, Mr. Bear turned on all four of his heels and +started on a scoot up into the woods that must have carried him ten +miles before I quit coughin'. + +"An' that's why, Ma'am, I say that when you've got to shoo bears for a +livin', an attack o' whoopin' cough is a useful thing to have around." + +Saying which, Beelzy departed to find Number 433's left boot which he +had left at Number 334's door by some odd mistake. + +"What do you think of that, Mr. Munchausen?" asked Sapphira, as Beelzy +left the room. + +"I don't know," said Mr. Munchausen, with a sigh. "I'm inclined to +think that I am a trifle envious of him. The rest of us are not in his +class." + + + + +XIII + +WRIGGLETTO + + +It was in the afternoon of a beautiful summer day, and Mr. Munchausen +had come up from the simmering city of Cimmeria to spend a day or two +with Diavolo and Angelica and their venerable parents. They had all +had dinner, and were now out on the back piazza overlooking the +magnificent river Styx, which flowed from the mountains to the sea, +condescending on its way thither to look in upon countless +insignificant towns which had grown up on its banks, among which was +the one in which Diavolo and Angelica had been born and lived all +their lives. Mr. Munchausen was lying comfortably in a hammock, +collecting his thoughts. + +Angelica was somewhat depressed, but Diavolo was jubilant and all +because in the course of a walk they had had that morning Diavolo had +killed a snake. + +"It was fine sport," said Diavolo. "He was lying there in the sun, and +I took a stick and put him out of his misery in two minutes." + +Here Diavolo illustrated the process by whacking the Baron over his +waist-coat with a small malacca stick he carried. + +"Well, I didn't like it," said Angelica. "I don't care for snakes, but +somehow or other it seems to me we'd ought to have left him alone. He +wasn't hurting anybody off there. If he'd come walking on our place, +that would have been one thing, but we went walking where he was, and +he had as much right to take a sun-bath there as we had." + +"That's true enough," put in Mr. Munchausen, resolved after Diavolo's +whack, to side against him. "You've just about hit it, Angelica. It +wasn't polite of you in the first place, to disturb his snakeship in +his nap, and having done so, I can't see why Diavolo wanted to kill +him." + +"Oh, pshaw!" said Diavolo, airily. "What's snakes good for except to +kill? I'll kill 'em every chance I get. They aren't any good." + +"All right," said Mr. Munchausen, quietly. "I suppose you know all +about it; but I know a thing or two about snakes myself that do not +exactly agree with what you say. They are some good sometimes, and, as +a matter of fact, as a general rule, they are less apt to attack you +without reason than you are to attack them. A snake is rather inclined +to mind its own business unless he finds it necessary to do otherwise. +Occasionally too you'll find a snake with a truly amiable character. +I'll never forget my old pet Wriggletto, for instance, and as long as +I remember him I can't help having a warm corner for snakes in my +heart." + +Here Mr. Munchausen paused and puffed thoughtfully on his cigar as a +far-away half-affectionate look came into his eye. + +"Who was Wriggletto?" asked Diavolo, transferring a half dollar from +Mr. Munchausen's pocket to his own. + +"Who was he?" cried Mr. Munchausen. "You don't mean to say that I have +never told you about Wriggletto, my pet boa-constrictor, do you?" + +"You never told me," said Angelica. "But I'm not everybody. Maybe +you've told some other little Imps." + +"No, indeed!" said Mr. Munchausen. "You two are the only little Imps I +tell stories to, and as far as I am concerned, while I admit you are +not everybody you are somebody and that's more than everybody is. +Wriggletto was a boa-constrictor I once knew in South America, and he +was without exception, the most remarkable bit of a serpent I ever +met. Genial, kind, intelligent, grateful and useful, and, after I'd +had him a year or two, wonderfully well educated. He could write with +himself as well as you or I can with a pen. There's a recommendation +for you. Few men are all that--and few boa-constrictors either, as far +as that goes. I admit Wriggletto was an exception to the general run +of serpents, but he was all that I claim for him, nevertheless." + +"What kind of a snake did you say he was?" asked Diavolo. + +"A boa-constrictor," said Mr. Munchausen, "and I knew him from his +childhood. I first encountered Wriggletto about ten miles out of Para +on the river Amazon. He was being swallowed by a larger +boa-constrictor, and I saved his life by catching hold of his tail and +pulling him out just as the other was getting ready to give the last +gulp which would have taken Wriggletto in completely, and placed him +beyond all hope of ever being saved." + +"What was the other boa doing while you were saving Wriggletto?" asked +Diavolo, who was fond always of hearing both sides to every question, +and whose father, therefore, hoped he might some day grow up to be a +great judge, or at least serve with distinction upon a jury. + +"He couldn't do anything," returned Mr. Munchausen. "He was powerless +as long as Wriggletto's head stuck in his throat and just before I got +the smaller snake extracted I killed the other one by cutting off his +tail behind his ears. It was not a very dangerous rescue on my part as +long as Wriggletto was likely to be grateful. I must confess for a +minute I was afraid he might not comprehend all I had done for him, +and it was just possible he might attack me, but the hug he gave me +when he found himself free once more was reassuring. He wound himself +gracefully around my body, squeezed me gently and then slid off into +the road again, as much as to say 'Thank you, sir. You're a brick.' +After that there was nothing Wriggletto would not do for me. He +followed me everywhere I went from that time on. He seemed to learn +all in an instant that there were hundreds of little things to be done +about the house of an old bachelor like myself which a willing serpent +could do, and he made it his business to do those things: like picking +up my collars from the floor, and finding my studs for me when they +rolled under the bureau, and a thousand and one other little services +of a like nature, and when you, Master Diavolo, try in future to say +that snakes are only good to kill and are of no use to any one, you +must at least make an exception in favour of Wriggletto." + +"I will," said Diavolo, "But you haven't told us of the other useful +things he did for you yet." + +"I was about to do so," said Mr. Munchausen. "In the first place, +before he learned how to do little things about the house for me, +Wriggletto acted as a watch-dog and you may be sure that nobody ever +ventured to prowl around my house at night while Wriggletto slept out +on the lawn. Para was quite full of conscienceless fellows, too, at +that time, any one of whom would have been glad to have a chance to +relieve me of my belongings if they could get by my watch-snake. Two +of them tried it one dark stormy night, and Wriggletto when he +discovered them climbing in at my window, crawled up behind them and +winding his tail about them crept down to the banks of the Amazon, +dragging them after him. There he tossed them into the river, and came +back to his post once more." + +"Did you see him do it, Uncle Munch?" asked Angelica. + +"No, I did not. I learned of it afterwards. Wriggletto himself said +never a word. He was too modest for that," said Mr. Munchausen. "One +of the robbers wrote a letter to the Para newspapers about it, +complaining that any one should be allowed to keep a reptile like that +around, and suggested that anyhow people using snakes in place of dogs +should be compelled to license them, and put up a sign at their gates: + + BEWARE OF THE SNAKE! + +"The man never acknowledged, of course, that he was the robber,--said +that he was calling on business when the thing happened,--but he +didn't say what his business was, but I knew better, and later on the +other robber and he fell out, and they confessed that the business +they had come on was to take away a few thousand gold coins of the +realm which I was known to have in the house locked in a steel chest. + +"I bought Wriggletto a handsome silver collar after that, and it was +generally understood that he was the guardian of my place, and robbers +bothered me no more. Then he was finer than a cat for rats. On very +hot days he would go off into the cellar, where it was cool, and lie +there with his mouth wide open and his eyes shut, and catch rats by +the dozens. They'd run around in the dark, and the first thing they'd +know they'd stumble into Wriggletto's mouth; and he swallowed them and +licked his chops afterwards, just as you or I do when we've swallowed +a fine luscious oyster or a clam. + +"But pleasantest of all the things Wriggletto did for me--and he was +untiring in his attentions in that way--was keeping me cool on hot +summer nights. Para as you may have heard is a pretty hot place at +best, lying in a tropical region as it does, but sometimes it is awful +for a man used to the Northern climate, as I was. The act of fanning +one's self, so far from cooling one off, makes one hotter than ever. +Maybe you remember how it was with the elephant in the poem: + + "'Oh my, oh dear!' the elephant said, + 'It is so awful hot! + I've fanned myself for seventy weeks, + And haven't cooled a jot.' + +"And that was the way it was with me in Para on hot nights. I'd fan +and fan and fan, but I couldn't get cool until Wriggletto became a +member of my family, and then I was all right. He used to wind his +tail about a huge palm-leaf fan I had cut in the forest, so large that +I couldn't possibly handle it myself, and he'd wave it to and fro by +the hour, with the result that my house was always the breeziest place +in Para." + +"Where is Wriggletto now?" asked Diavolo. + +"Heigho!" sighed Mr. Munchausen. "He died, poor fellow, and all +because of that silver collar I gave him. He tried to swallow a jibola +that entered my house one night on wickedness intent, and while +Wriggletto's throat was large enough when he stretched it to take down +three jibolas, with a collar on which wouldn't stretch he couldn't +swallow one. He didn't know that, unfortunately, and he kept on trying +until the jibola got a quarter way down and then he stuck. Each +swallow, of course, made the collar fit more tightly and finally poor +Wriggletto choked himself to death. I felt so badly about it that I +left Para within a month, but meanwhile I had a suit of clothes made +out of Wriggletto's skin, and wore it for years, and then, when the +clothes began to look worn, I had the skin re-tanned and made over +into shoes and slippers. So you see that even after death he was +useful to me. He was a faithful snake, and that is why when I hear +people running down all snakes I tell the story of Wriggletto." + +[Illustration: "He used to wind his tail about a fan and he'd wave it +to and fro by the hour." _Chapter XIII._] + +There was a pause for a few moments, when Diavolo said, "Uncle Munch, +is that a true story you've been giving us?" + +"True?" cried Mr. Munchausen. "True? Why, my dear boy, what a +question! If you don't believe it, bring me your atlas, and I'll show +you just where Para is." + +Diavolo did as he was told, and sure enough, Mr. Munchausen did +exactly as he said he would, which Diavolo thought was very +remarkable, but he still was not satisfied. + +"You said he could write as well with himself as you or I could with a +pen, Uncle Munch," he said. "How was that?" + +"Why that was simple enough," explained Mr. Munchausen. "You see he +was very black, and thirty-nine feet long and remarkably supple and +slender. After a year of hard study he learned to bunch himself into +letters, and if he wanted to say anything to me he'd simply form +himself into a written sentence. Indeed his favourite attitude when in +repose showed his wonderful gift in chirography as well as his +affection for me. If you will get me a card I will prove it." + +Diavolo brought Mr. Munchausen the card and upon it he drew the +following: + +[Illustration: A snake in the form of 'UncleMunch'] + +"There," said Mr. Munchausen. "That's the way Wriggletto always used +to lie when he was at rest. His love for me was very affecting." + + + + +XIV + +THE POETIC JUNE-BUG, TOGETHER WITH SOME REMARKS ON THE GILLYHOOLY BIRD + + +"Uncle Munch," said Diavolo one afternoon as a couple of bicyclers +sped past the house at breakneck speed, "which would you rather have, +a bicycle or a horse?" + +"Well, I must say, my boy, that is a difficult question to answer," +Mr. Munchausen replied after scratching his head dubiously for a few +minutes. "You might as well ask a man which he prefers, a hammock or a +steam-yacht. To that question I should reply that if I wanted to sell +it, I'd rather have a steam-yacht, but for a pleasant swing on a cool +piazza in midsummer or under the apple-trees, a hammock would be far +preferable. Steam-yachts are not much good to swing in under an apple +tree, and very few piazzas that I know of are big enough--" + +"Oh, now, you know what I mean, Uncle Munch," Diavolo retorted, +tapping Mr. Munchausen upon the end of his nose, for a twinkle in Mr. +Munchausen's eye seemed to indicate that he was in one of his chaffing +moods, and a greater tease than Mr. Munchausen when he felt that way +no one has ever known. "I mean for horse-back riding, which would you +rather have?" + +"Ah, that's another matter," returned Mr. Munchausen, calmly. "Now I +know how to answer your question. For horse-back riding I certainly +prefer a horse; though, on the other hand, for bicycling, bicycles are +better than horses. Horses make very poor bicycles, due no doubt to +the fact that they have no wheels." + +Diavolo began to grow desperate. + +"Of course," Mr. Munchausen went on, "all I have to say in this +connection is based merely on my ideas, and not upon any personal +experience. I've been horse-back riding on horses, and bicycling on +bicycles, but I never went horse-back riding on a bicycle, or +bicycling on horseback. I should think it might be exciting to go +bicycling on horse-back, but very dangerous. It is hard enough for me +to keep a bicycle from toppling over when I'm riding on a hard, +straight, level well-paved road, without experimenting with my wheel +on a horse's back. However if you wish to try it some day and will get +me a horse with a back as big as Trafalgar Square I'm willing to make +the effort." + +Angelica giggled. It was lots of fun for her when Mr. Munchausen +teased Diavolo, though she didn't like it quite so much when it was +her turn to be treated that way. Diavolo wanted to laugh too, but he +had too much dignity for that, and to conceal his desire to grin from +Mr. Munchausen he began to hunt about for an old newspaper, or a lump +of coal or something else he could make a ball of to throw at him. + +"Which would you rather do, Angelica," Mr. Munchausen resumed, "go to +sea in a balloon or attend a dumb-crambo party in a chicken-coop?" + +"I guess I would," laughed Angelica. + +"That's a good answer," Mr. Munchausen put in. "It is quite as +intelligent as the one which is attributed to the Gillyhooly bird. +When the Gillyhooly bird was asked his opinion of giraffes, he +scratched his head for a minute and said, + + "'The question hath but little wit + That you have put to me, + But I will try to answer it + With prompt candidity. + + The automobile is a thing + That's pleasing to the mind; + And in a lustrous diamond ring + Some merit I can find. + + Some persons gloat o'er French Chateaux; + Some dote on lemon ice; + While others gorge on mixed gateaux, + Yet have no use for mice. + + I'm very fond of oyster-stew, + I love a patent-leather boot, + But after all, 'twixt me and you, + The fish-ball is my favourite fruit.'" + +"Hoh" jeered Diavolo, who, attracted by the allusion to a kind of bird +of which he had never heard before, had given up the quest for a paper +ball and returned to Mr. Munchausen's side, "I don't think that was a +very intelligent answer. It didn't answer the question at all." + +"That's true, and that is why it was intelligent," said Mr. +Munchausen. "It was noncommittal. Some day when you are older and know +less than you do now, you will realise, my dear Diavolo, how valuable +a thing is the reply that answereth not." + +Mr. Munchausen paused long enough to let the lesson sink in and then +he resumed. + +"The Gillyhooly bird is a perfect owl for wisdom of that sort," he +said. "It never lets anybody know what it thinks; it never makes +promises, and rarely speaks except to mystify people. It probably has +just as decided an opinion concerning giraffes as you or I have, but +it never lets anybody into the secret." + +"What is a Gillyhooly bird, anyhow?" asked Diavolo. + +"He's a bird that never sings for fear of straining his voice; never +flies for fear of wearying his wings; never eats for fear of spoiling +his digestion; never stands up for fear of bandying his legs and never +lies down for fear of injuring his spine," said Mr. Munchausen. "He +has no feathers, because, as he says, if he had, people would pull +them out to trim hats with, which would be painful, and he never goes +into debt because, as he observes himself, he has no hope of paying +the bill with which nature has endowed him, so why run up others?" + +"I shouldn't think he'd live long if he doesn't eat?" suggested +Angelica. + +"That's the great trouble," said Mr. Munchausen. "He doesn't live +long. Nothing so ineffably wise as the Gillyhooly bird ever does live +long. I don't believe a Gillyhooly bird ever lived more than a day, +and that, connected with the fact that he is very ugly and keeps +himself out of sight, is possibly why no one has ever seen one. He is +known only by hearsay, and as a matter of fact, besides ourselves, I +doubt if any one has ever heard of him." + +Diavolo eyed Mr. Munchausen narrowly. + +"Speaking of Gillyhooly birds, however, and to be serious for a +moment," Mr. Munchausen continued flinching nervously under Diavolo's +unyielding gaze; "I never told you about the poetic June-bug that +worked the typewriter, did I?" + +"Never heard of such a thing," cried Diavolo. "The idea of a June-bug +working a typewriter." + +"I don't believe it," said Angelica, "he hasn't got any fingers." + +"That shows all you know about it," retorted Mr. Munchausen. "You +think because you are half-way right you are all right. However, if +you don't want to hear the story of the June-bug that worked the +type-writer, I won't tell it. My tongue is tired, anyhow." + +"Please go on," said Diavolo. "I want to hear it." + +"So do I," said Angelica. "There are lots of stories I don't believe +that I like to hear--'Jack the Giant-killer' and 'Cinderella,' for +instance." + +"Very well," said Mr. Munchausen. "I'll tell it, and you can believe +it or not, as you please. It was only two summers ago that the thing +happened, and I think it was very curious. As you may know, I often +have a great lot of writing to do and sometimes I get very tired +holding a pen in my hand. When you get old enough to write real long +letters you'll know what I mean. Your writing hand will get so tired +that sometimes you'll wish some wizard would come along smart enough +to invent a machine by means of which everything you think can be +transferred to paper as you think it, without the necessity of +writing. But as yet the only relief to the man whose hand is worn out +by the amount of writing he has to do is the use of the type-writer, +which is hard only on the fingers. So to help me in my work two +summers ago I bought a type-writing machine, and put it in the great +bay-window of my room at the hotel where I was stopping. It was a +magnificent hotel, but it had one drawback--it was infested with +June-bugs. Most summer hotels are afflicted with mosquitoes, but this +one had June-bugs instead, and all night long they'd buzz and butt +their heads against the walls until the guests went almost crazy with +the noise. + +"At first I did not mind it very much. It was amusing to watch them, +and my friends and I used to play a sort of game of chance with them +that entertained us hugely. We marked the walls off in squares which +we numbered and then made little wagers as to which of the squares a +specially selected June-bug would whack next. To simplify the game we +caught the chosen June-bug and put some powdered charcoal on his head, +so that when he butted up against the white wall he would leave a +black mark in the space he hit. It was really one of the most exciting +games of that particular kind that I ever played, and many a rainy day +was made pleasant by this diversion. + +"But after awhile like everything else June-bug Roulette as we called +it began to pall and I grew tired of it and wished there never had +been such a thing as a June-bug in the world. I did my best to forget +them, but it was impossible. Their buzzing and butting continued +uninterrupted, and toward the end of the month they developed a +particularly bad habit of butting the electric call button at the side +of my bed. The consequence was that at all hours of the night, +hall-boys with iced-water, and house-maids with bath towels, and +porters with kindling-wood would come knocking at my door and routing +me out of bed--summoned of course by none other than those horrible +butting insects. This particular nuisance became so unendurable that I +had to change my room for one which had no electric bell in it. + +"So things went, until June passed and July appeared. The majority of +the nuisances promptly got out but one especially vigorous and +athletic member of the tribe remained. He became unbearable and +finally one night I jumped out of bed either to kill him or to drive +him out of my apartment forever, but he wouldn't go, and try as I +might I couldn't hit him hard enough to kill him. In sheer desperation +I took the cover of my typewriting machine and tried to catch him in +that. Finally I succeeded, and, as I thought, shook the heedless +creature out of the window promptly slamming the window shut so that +he might not return; and then putting the type-writer cover back over +the machine, I went to bed again, but not to sleep as I had hoped. All +night long every second or two I'd hear the type-writer click. This I +attributed to nervousness on my part. As far as I knew there wasn't +anything to make the type-writer click, and the fact that I heard it +do so served only to convince me that I was tired and imagined that I +heard noises. + +[Illustration: "Most singular of all was the fact that consciously or +unconsciously the insect had butted out a verse." _Chapter XIV._] + +"The next morning, however, on opening the machine I found that the +June-bug had not only not been shaken out of the window, but had +actually spent the night inside of the cover, butting his head against +the keys, having no wall to butt with it, and most singular of all was +the fact that, consciously or unconsciously, the insect had butted out +a verse which read: + + "'I'm glad I haven't any brains, + For there can be no doubt + I'd have to give up butting + If I had, or butt them out.'" + +"Mercy! Really?" cried Angelica. + +"Well I can't prove it," said Mr. Munchausen, "by producing the +June-bug, but I can show you the hotel, I can tell you the number of +the room; I can show you the type-writing machine, and I have recited +the verse. If you're not satisfied with that I'll have to stand your +suspicions." + +"What became of the June-bug?" demanded Diavolo. + +"He flew off as soon as I lifted the top of the machine," said Mr. +Munchausen. "He had all the modesty of a true poet and did not wish to +be around while his poem was being read." + +"It's queer how you can't get rid of June-bugs, isn't it, Uncle +Munch," suggested Angelica. + +"Oh, we got rid of 'em next season all right," said Mr. Munchausen. "I +invented a scheme that kept them away all the following summer. I got +the landlord to hang calendars all over the house with one full page +for each month. Then in every room we exposed the page for May and +left it that way all summer. When the June-bugs arrived and saw these, +they were fooled into believing that June hadn't come yet, and off +they flew to wait. They are very inconsiderate of other people's +comfort," Mr. Munchausen concluded, "but they are rigorously bound by +an etiquette of their own. A self-respecting June-bug would no more +appear until the June-bug season is regularly open than a gentleman of +high society would go to a five o'clock tea munching fresh-roasted +peanuts. And by the way, that reminds me I happen to have a bag of +peanuts right here in my pocket." + +Here Mr. Munchausen, transferring the luscious goobers to Angelica, +suddenly remembered that he had something to say to the Imps' father, +and hurriedly left them. + +"Do you suppose that's true, Diavolo?" whispered Angelica as their +friend disappeared. + +"Well it might happen," said Diavolo, "but I've a sort of notion that +it's 'maginary like the Gillyhooly bird. Gimme a peanut." + + + + +XV + +A LUCKY STROKE + + +"Mr. Munchausen," said Ananias, as he and the famous warrior drove off +from the first hole at the Missing Links, "you never seem to weary of +the game of golf. What is its precise charm in your eyes,--the +health-giving qualities of the game or its capacity for bad lies?" + +"I owe my life to it," replied the Baron. "That is to say to my +precision as a player I owe one of the many preservations of my +existence which have passed into history. Furthermore it is ever +varying in its interest. Like life itself it is full of hazards and no +man knows at the beginning of his stroke what will be the requirements +of the next. I never told you of the bovine lie I got once while +playing a match with Bonaparte, did I?" + +"I do not recall it," said Ananias, foozling his second stroke into +the stone wall. + +"I was playing with my friend Bonaparte, for the Cosmopolitan +Championship," said Munchausen, "and we were all even at the +thirty-sixth hole. Bonaparte had sliced his ball into a stubble field +from the tee, whereat he was inclined to swear, until by an odd +mischance I drove mine into the throat of a bull that was pasturing on +the fair green two hundred and ninety-eight yards distant. 'Shall we +take it over?' I asked. 'No,' laughed Bonaparte, thinking he had me. +'We must play the game. I shall play my lie. You must play yours.' +'Very well,' said I. 'So be it. Golf is golf, bull or no bull.' And +off we went. It took Bonaparte seven strokes to get on the green +again, which left me a like number to extricate my ball from the +throat of the unwelcome bovine. It was a difficult business, but I +made short work of it. Tying my red silk handkerchief to the end of my +brassey I stepped in front of the great creature and addressing an +imaginary ball before him made the usual swing back and through +stroke. The bull, angered by the fluttering red handkerchief, reared +up and made a dash at me. I ran in the direction of the hole, the bull +in pursuit for two hundred yards. Here I hid behind a tree while Mr. +Bull stopped short and snorted again. Still there was no sign of the +ball, and after my pursuer had quieted a little I emerged from my +hiding place and with the same club and in the same manner played +three. The bull surprised at my temerity threw his head back with an +angry toss and tried to bellow forth his wrath, as I had designed he +should, but the obstruction in his throat prevented him. The ball had +stuck in his pharynx. Nothing came of his spasm but a short hacking +cough and a wheeze--then silence. 'I'll play four,' I cried to +Bonaparte, who stood watching me from a place of safety on the other +side of the stone wall. Again I swung my red-flagged brassey in front +of the angry creature's face and what I had hoped for followed. The +second attempt at a bellow again resulted in a hacking cough and a +sneeze, and lo the ball flew out of his throat and landed dead to the +hole. The caddies drove the bull away. Bonaparte played eight, missed +a putt for a nine, stymied himself in a ten, holed out in twelve and I +went down in five." + +"Jerusalem!" cried Ananias. "What did Bonaparte say?" + +[Illustration: "Again I swung my red-flagged brassey in front of the angry +creature's face, and what I had hoped for followed." _Chapter XV._] + +"He delivered a short, quick nervous address in Corsican and retired +to the club-house where he spent the afternoon drowning his sorrows in +Absinthe high-balls. 'Great hole that, Bonaparte,' said I when his +geniality was about to return. 'Yes,' said he. 'A regular lu-lu, eh?' +said I. 'More than that, Baron,' said he. 'It was a Waterlooloo.' It +was the first pun I ever heard the Emperor make." + +"We all have our weak moments," said Ananias drily, playing nine from +behind the wall. "I give the hole up," he added angrily. + +"Let's play it out anyhow," said Munchausen, playing three to the +green. + +"All right," Ananias agreed, taking a ten and rimming the cup. + +Munchausen took three to go down, scoring six in all. + +"Two up," said he, as Ananias putted out in eleven. + +"How the deuce do you make that out? This is only the first hole," +cried Ananias with some show of heat. + +"You gave up a hole, didn't you?" demanded Munchausen. + +"Yes." + +"And I won a hole, didn't I?" + +"You did--but--" + +"Well that's two holes. Fore!" cried Munchausen. + +The two walked along in silence for a few minutes, and the Baron +resumed. + +"Yes, golf is a splendid game and I love it, though I don't think I'd +ever let a good canvasback duck get cold while I was talking about it. +When I have a canvasback duck before me I don't think of anything else +while it's there. But unquestionably I'm fond of golf, and I have a +very good reason to be. It has done a great deal for me, and as I have +already told you, once it really saved my life." + +"Saved your life, eh?" said Ananias. + +"That's what I said," returned Mr. Munchausen, "and so of course that +is the way it was." + +"I should admire to hear the details," said Ananias. "I presume you +were going into a decline and it restored your strength and vitality." + +"No," said Mr. Munchausen, "it wasn't that way at all. It saved my +life when I was attacked by a fierce and ravenously hungry lion. If I +hadn't known how to play golf it would have been farewell forever to +Mr. Munchausen, and Mr. Lion would have had a fine luncheon that day, +at which I should have been the turkey and cranberry sauce and mince +pie all rolled into one." + +Ananias laughed. + +"It's easy enough to laugh at my peril now," said Mr. Munchausen, "but +if you'd been with me you wouldn't have laughed very much. On the +contrary, Ananias, you'd have ruined what little voice you ever had +screeching." + +"I wasn't laughing at the danger you were in," said Ananias. "I don't +see anything funny in that. What I was laughing at was the idea of a +lion turning up on a golf course. They don't have lions on any of the +golf courses that I am familiar with." + +"That may be, my dear Ananias," said Mr. Munchausen, "but it doesn't +prove anything. What you are familiar with has no especial bearing +upon the ordering of the Universe. They had lions by the hundreds on +the particular links I refer to. I laid the links out myself and I +fancy I know what I am talking about. They were in the desert of +Sahara. And I tell you what it is," he added, slapping his knee +enthusiastically, "they were the finest links I ever played on. There +wasn't a hole shorter than three miles and a quarter, which gives you +plenty of elbow room, and the fair green had all the qualities of a +first class billiard table, so that your ball got a magnificent roll +on it." + +"What did you do for hazards?" asked Ananias. + +"Oh we had 'em by the dozen," replied Mr. Munchausen. "There weren't +any ponds or stone walls, of course, but there were plenty of others +that were quite as interesting. There was the Sphynx for instance; and +for bunkers the pyramids can't be beaten. Then occasionally right in +the middle of a game a caravan ten or twelve miles long, would begin +to drag its interminable length across the middle of the course, and +it takes mighty nice work with the lofting iron to lift a ball over a +caravan without hitting a camel or killing an Arab, I can tell you. +Then finally I'm sure I don't know of any more hazardous hazard for a +golf player--or for anybody else for that matter--than a real hungry +African lion out in search of breakfast, especially when you meet him +on the hole furthest from home and have a stretch of three or four +miles between him and assistance with no revolver or other weapon at +hand. That's hazard enough for me and it took the best work I could do +with my brassey to get around it." + +"You always were strong at a brassey lie," said Ananias. + +"Thank you," said Mr. Munchausen. "There are few lies I can't get +around. But on this morning I was playing for the Mid-African +Championship. I'd been getting along splendidly. My record for fifteen +holes was about seven hundred and eighty-three strokes, and I was +flattering myself that I was about to turn in the best card that had +ever been seen in a medal play contest in all Africa. My drive from +the sixteenth tee was a simple beauty. I thought the ball would never +stop, I hit it such a tremendous whack. It had a flight of three +hundred and eighty-two yards and a roll of one hundred and twenty +more, and when it finally stopped it turned up in a mighty good lie on +a natural tee, which the wind had swirled up. Calling to the monkey +who acted as my caddy--we used monkeys for caddies always in Africa, +and they were a great success because they don't talk and they use +their tails as a sort of extra hand,--I got out my brassey for the +second stroke, took my stance on the hardened sand, swung my club +back, fixed my eye on the ball and was just about to carry through, +when I heard a sound which sent my heart into my boots, my caddy +galloping back to the club house, and set my teeth chattering like a +pair of castanets. It was unmistakable, that sound. When a hungry lion +roars you know precisely what it is the moment you hear it, especially +if you have heard it before. It doesn't sound a bit like the miauing +of a cat; nor is it suggestive of the rumble of artillery in an +adjacent street. There is no mistaking it for distant thunder, as some +writers would have you believe. It has none of the gently mournful +quality that characterises the soughing of the wind through the +leafless branches of the autumnal forest, to which a poet might liken +it; it is just a plain lion-roaring and nothing else, and when you +hear it you know it. The man who mistakes it for distant thunder might +just as well be struck by lightning there and then for all the chance +he has to get away from it ultimately. The poet who confounds it with +the gentle soughing breeze never lives to tell about it. He gets +himself eaten up for his foolishness. It doesn't require a Daniel come +to judgment to recognise a lion's roar on sight. + +"I should have perished myself that morning if I had not known on the +instant just what were the causes of the disturbance. My nerve did not +desert me, however, frightened as I was. I stopped my play and looked +out over the sand in the direction whence the roaring came, and there +he stood a perfect picture of majesty, and a giant among lions, eyeing +me critically as much as to say, 'Well this is luck, here's breakfast +fit for a king!' but he reckoned without his host. I was in no mood to +be served up to stop his ravening appetite and I made up my mind at +once to stay and fight. I'm a good runner, Ananias, but I cannot beat +a lion in a three mile sprint on a sandy soil, so fight it was. The +question was how. My caddy gone, the only weapons I had with me were +my brassey and that one little gutta percha ball, but thanks to my +golf they were sufficient. + +"Carefully calculating the distance at which the huge beast stood, I +addressed the ball with unusual care, aiming slightly to the left to +overcome my tendency to slice, and drove the ball straight through the +lion's heart as he poised himself on his hind legs ready to spring +upon me. It was a superb stroke and not an instant too soon, for just +as the ball struck him he sprang forward, and even as it was landed +but two feet away from where I stood, but, I am happy to say, dead. + +"It was indeed a narrow escape, and it tried my nerves to the full, +but I extracted the ball and resumed my play in a short while, adding +the lucky stroke to my score meanwhile. But I lost the match,--not +because I lost my nerve, for this I did not do, but because I lifted +from the lion's heart. The committee disqualified me because I did not +play from my lie and the cup went to my competitor. However, I was +satisfied to have escaped with my life. I'd rather be a live runner-up +than a dead champion any day." + +"A wonderful experience," said Ananias. "Perfectly wonderful. I never +heard of a stroke to equal that." + +"You are too modest, Ananias," said Mr. Munchausen drily. "Too modest +by half. You and Sapphira hold the record for that, you know." + +"I have forgotten the episode," said Ananias. + +"Didn't you and she make your last hole on a single stroke?" demanded +Munchausen with an inward chuckle. + +"Oh--yes," said Ananias grimly, as he recalled the incident. "But you +know we didn't win any more than you did." + +"Oh, didn't you?" asked Munchausen. + +"No," replied Ananias. "You forget that Sapphira and I were two down +at the finish." + +And Mr. Munchausen played the rest of the game in silence. Ananias had +at last got the best of him. + + + + * * * * * + + + +Transcribers note: + +Spellings were left as found. + +Illustrations were moved when they interrupted paragraphs. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a> + +</pre> +<p>Title: Mr. Munchausen<br /> </p> +<p> Being a True Account of Some of the Recent Adventures beyond the Styx of the Late Hieronymus Carl Friedrich, Sometime Baron Munchausen of Bodenwerder<br /> </p> +<p>Author: John Kendrick Bangs<br /> </p> +<p>Release Date: August 14, 2010 [eBook #33432]<br /> </p> +<p>Language: English<br /> </p> +<p>Character set encoding: UTF-8<br /> </p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. MUNCHAUSEN***<br /> </p> +<p> </p> +<h3 class="pg">E-text prepared by Barbara Tozier, Bill Tozier,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br /> + (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3> +<p> </p> +</div> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> </p> + + <div id="cover"> + <img src="images/cover.jpg" width="412" height="600" alt="A man with a tricorn hat speaking into a wall telephone" /> + </div> + <p id="ffleaf"><a class="pagenum disguse" id="pagei" title="i"> </a>Mr. MUNCHAUSEN</p> + <!-- <a class="pagenum disguse" id="pageii" title="ii"> </a>[Blank Page] + <a class="pagenum disguse" id="pageiii" title="iii"> </a>[Blank Page] --> + <div id="frontis" class="illo"> + <a href="images/frontis.jpg"><img src="images/frontis-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="414" alt="A portrait of the Baron" /></a> + </div> + <div id="title_page"><a class="pagenum disguse" id="pagev" title="v"> </a> + <h1>Mr. MUNCHAUSEN</h1> + + <p id="extended_title">Being a <em>TRUE ACCOUNT</em> of some of the <em>RECENT ADVENTURES</em> + beyond the <em>STYX</em> of the late <em>HIERONYMUS + CARL FRIEDRICH</em>, sometime <em>BARON MUNCHAUSEN</em> of + <em>BODENWERDER</em>, as originally reported for the <em>SUNDAY EDITION</em> + of the <em>GEHENNA GAZETTE</em> by its <em>SPECIAL INTERVIEWER</em> + the late <em>Mr. ANANIAS</em> formerly of <em>JERUSALEM</em> + and now first transcribed from the columns of that <em>JOURNAL</em> by<br /> + + <span id="author">JOHN KENDRICK BANGS</span></p> + + <p id="embellish">Embellished with Drawings by<br /> + + <span id="illustrator">PETER NEWELL</span></p> + + <p id="device"><img src="images/device.jpg" width="200" height="194" alt="Publisher's Device" /></p> + + <p id="publish_data"><span id="pub_city">BOSTON:</span> Printed for <span id="publisher">NOYES, PLATT & COMPANY</span> + and published by them at their offices in the + <em>PIERCE</em> Building in <em>COPLEY</em> Square, <span class="small_all_caps">A.D.</span> <em>1901</em></p> + + + </div> + <div id="copyright_page"><a class="pagenum disguse" id="pagevi" title="vi"> </a> + <p>Copyright, 1901, by<br /> + NOYES, PLATT & COMPANY,<br /> + (Incorporated)</p> + + <p>Entered at Stationersâ Hall</p> + + <p>The lithographed illustrations are printed in eight colours + by George H. Walker and Company, Boston</p> + + <p>Press of<br /> + Riggs Printing and Publishing Co.<br /> + Albany, N. Y., U. S. A.</p> + </div> + <div id="preface"><a class="pagenum" id="pagevii" title="vii"> </a> + <h2>EDITORâS APOLOGY<br /> + <em>and</em><br /> + DEDICATION</h2> + + <p class="first_paragraph"><span class="first_word">In</span> order that there may be no misunderstanding + as to the why and the wherefore of this collection + of tales it appears to me to be desirable that I + should at the outset state my reasons for acting as + the medium between the spirit of the late Baron + Munchausen and the reading public. In common + with a large number of other great men in history + Baron Munchausen has suffered because he is not + understood. I have observed with wondering surprise + the steady and constant growth of the idea + that Baron Munchausen was not a man of truth; + that his statements of fact were untrustworthy, and + that as a realist he had no standing whatsoever. + Just how this misconception of the manâs character + has arisen it would be difficult to say. Surely in + his published writings he shows that same lofty resolve + to be true to life as he has seen it that characterises + the work of some of the high Apostles of + Realism, who are writing of the things that will + <a class="pagenum" id="pageviii" title="viii"> </a>teach future generations how we of to-day ordered + our goings-on. The note of veracity in Baron Munchausenâs + early literary venturings rings as clear + and as true certainly as the similar note in the + charming studies of Manx Realism that have come + to us of late years from the pen of Mr. Corridor + Walkingstick, of Gloomster Abbey and London. We + all remember the glow of satisfaction with which we + read Mr. Walkingstickâs great story of the love of + the clergyman, John Stress, for the charming little + heroine, Glory Partridge. Here was something at + last that rang true. The picture was painted in the + boldest of colours, and, regardless of consequences + to himself, Mr. Walkingstick dared to be real when + he might have given rein to his imagination. Mr. + Walkingstick was, thereupon, lifted up by popular + favour to the level of an apostleânay, he even admitted + the soft impeachmentâand now as a moral + teacher he is without a rival in the world of literature. + Yet the same age that accepts this man as a + moral teacher, rejects Baron Munchausen, who, in + different manner perhaps, presented to the world + as true and life-like a picture of the conditions of + <a class="pagenum" id="pageix" title="ix"> </a>his day as that given to us by Mr. Walkingstick in + his deservedly popular romance, âEpiscopalians I + have Met.â Of course, I do not claim that Baron + Munchausenâs stories in bulk or in specified instances, + have the literary vigour that is so marked + a quality of the latter-day writer, but the point I + do wish to urge is that to accept the one as a veracious + chronicler of his time and to reject the other + as one who indulges his pen in all sorts of grotesque + vagaries, without proper regard for the facts, is a + great injustice to the man of other times. The question + arises, <em>why</em> is this? How has this wrong upon + the worthy realist of the eighteenth century been + perpetrated? Is it an intentional or an unwitting + wrong? I prefer to believe that it is based upon + ignorance of the Baronâs true quality, due to the + fact that his works are rarely to be found within + the reach of the public: in some cases, because of + the failure of librarians to comprehend his real motives, + his narratives are excluded from Public and + Sunday-School libraries; and because of their extreme + age, they are not easily again brought into + vogue. I have, therefore, accepted the office of intermediary + <a class="pagenum" id="pagex" title="x"> </a>between the Baron and the readers of + the present day, in order that his later work, which, + while it shows to a marked degree the decadence of + his literary powers, may yet serve to demonstrate + to the readers of my own time how favourably he + compares with some of the literary idols of to-day, + in the simple matter of fidelity to fact. If these + stories which follow shall serve to rehabilitate + Baron Munchausen as a lover and practitioner of + the arts of Truth, I shall not have made the sacrifice + of my time in vain. If they fail of this purpose + I shall still have the satisfaction of knowing that I + have tried to render a service to an honest and defenceless + man.</p> + + <p>Meanwhile I dedicate this volume, with sentiments + of the highest regard, to that other great + realist<br /> + <span class="dedication">MR. CORRIDOR WALKINGSTICK<br /> + <em>of</em><br /> + GLOOMSTER ABBEY</span></p> + + <p class="signature">J. K. B.</p> + + </div> + <div id="contents"><a class="pagenum" id="pagexi" title="xi"> </a> + <h2>Contents</h2> + <p class="page_column">PAGE</p> + + <ul> + <li><a href="#chapter_1">I Encounter the Old Gentleman</a> <a href="#page3" class="toc_page">3</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_2">The Sporting Tour of Mr. Munchausen</a> <a href="#page13" class="toc_page">13</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_3">Three Months in a Balloon</a> <a href="#page26" class="toc_page">26</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_4">Some Hunting Stories for Children</a> <a href="#page37" class="toc_page">37</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_5">The Story of Jang</a> <a href="#page49" class="toc_page">49</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_6">He Tells the Twins of Fire-Works</a> <a href="#page61" class="toc_page">61</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_7">Saved by a Magic Lantern</a> <a href="#page73" class="toc_page">73</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_8">An Adventure in the Desert</a> <a href="#page85" class="toc_page">85</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_9">Decoration Day in the Cannibal Islands</a> <a href="#page95" class="toc_page">95</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_10">Mr. Munchausen’s Adventure with a Shark</a> <a href="#page105" class="toc_page">105</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_11">The Baron as a Runner</a> <a href="#page116" class="toc_page">116</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_12">Mr. Munchausen Meets His Match</a> <a href="#page129" class="toc_page">129</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_13">Wriggletto</a> <a href="#page143" class="toc_page">143</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_14">The Poetic June-Bug, Together with Some Remarks on the Gillyhooly Bird</a> <a href="#page155" class="toc_page">155</a></li> + <li><a href="#chapter_15">A Lucky Stroke</a> <a href="#page168" class="toc_page">168</a></li> + </ul> + </div> + <!-- <a class="pagenum" id="pagexii" title="xii"> </a>[Blank Page] --> + <div id="illustrations"><a class="pagenum" id="pagexiii" title="xiii"> </a> + <h2>List of Illustrations</h2> + <ul> + <li><a href="#frontis">Portrait of Mr. Munchausen</a> <span class="toc_page"><em>Frontispiece</em></span></li> + </ul> + <p class="page_column"><em>Facing Page</em></p> + <ul> + <li><a href="#illo01">âThere was the whale, drawn by magnetic influence to the side of <em>The Lyre</em>â</a> <a href="#page20" class="toc_page">20</a></li> + <li><a href="#illo02">âAs their bullets got to their highest point and began to drop back, I reached out and caught themâ</a> <a href="#page34" class="toc_page">34</a></li> + <li><a href="#illo03">âI got nearer and nearer my haven of safety, the bellowing beasts snorting with rage as they followedâ</a> <a href="#page46" class="toc_page">46</a></li> + <li><a href="#illo04">âJang buzzed over and sat on his back, putting his sting where it would do the most goodâ</a> <a href="#page56" class="toc_page">56</a></li> + <li><a href="#illo05">âOut of what appeared to be a clear sky came the most extraordinary rain storm you ever sawâ</a> <a href="#page68" class="toc_page">68</a></li> + <li><a href="#illo06">ââI am your slave,â he replied to my greeting, kneeling before me, âI yield all to youââ</a> <a href="#page82" class="toc_page">82</a></li> + <li><a href="#illo07">âI reached the giraffe, raised myself to his back, crawled along his neck and dropped fainting into the treeâ</a> <a href="#page94" class="toc_page">94</a></li> + <li><a href="#illo08">âThey were celebrating Decoration Day, strewing flowers on the graves of departed missionariesâ</a> <a href="#page102" class="toc_page">102</a></li> + <li><a href="#illo09">âI laughed in the poor disappointed thingâs face, and with a howl of despair he rushed back into the seaâ</a> <a href="#page114" class="toc_page">114</a></li> + <li><a href="#illo10">âThis brought my speed down ten minutes to the mile which made it safe for me to run into a haystackâ</a> <a href="#page126" class="toc_page">126</a></li> + <li><a class="pagenum" id="pagexiv" title="xiv"> </a><a href="#illo11">âAt the first whoop Mr. Bear jumped ten feet and fell over backward on the floorâ</a> <a href="#page140" class="toc_page">140</a></li> + <li><a href="#illo12">âHe used to wind his tail about a fan and heâd wave it to and fro by the hourâ</a> <a href="#page152" class="toc_page">152</a></li> + <li><a href="#illo13">âMost singular of all was the fact that, consciously or unconsciously, the insect had butted out a verseâ</a> <a href="#page164" class="toc_page">164</a></li> + <li><a href="#illo14">âAgain I swung my red-flagged brassey in front of the angry creatureâs face, and what I had hoped for followedâ</a> <a href="#page170" class="toc_page">170</a></li> + </ul> + + </div> + <div id="half_title"><a class="pagenum disguise" id="page1" title="1"> </a> + Mr. MUNCHAUSEN<br /> + <span class="half_subtitle">An Account of His<br /> + Recent Adventures</span> + </div> + <!-- <a class="pagenum" id="page2" title="2"> </a>[Blank Page] --> + <div id="internal_title"><a class="pagenum" id="page3" title="3"> </a> + Mr. MUNCHAUSEN + </div> + <div id="chapter_1" class="chapter"> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="One">I</span><br />I ENCOUNTER THE OLD GENTLEMAN</h2> + + <p class="first_paragraph"><span class="first_word">There</span> are moments of supreme embarrassment + in the lives of persons given to veracity,âindeed + it has been my own unusual experience + in life that the truth well stuck to is twice as + hard a proposition as a lie so obvious that no one is + deceived by it at the outset. I cannot quite agree + with my friend, Caddy Barlow, who says that in a + tight place it is better to lie at once and be done + with it than to tell the truth which will need forty + more truths to explain it, but I must confess that in + my forty years of absolute and conscientious devotion + to truth I have found myself in holes far + deeper than any my most mendacious of friends + ever got into. I do not propose, however, to desert + at this late hour the Goddess I have always worshipped + because she leads me over a rough and + rocky road, and whatever may be the hardships + involved in my wooing I intend to the very end to + <a class="pagenum" id="page4" title="4"> </a>remain the ever faithful slave of Mademoiselle + Veracité. All of which I state here in prefatory + mood, and in order, in so far as it is possible for me + to do so, to disarm the incredulous and sniffy reader + who may be inclined to doubt the truth of my story + of how the manuscript of the following pages came + into my possession. I am quite aware that to some + the tale will appear absolutely and intolerably impossible. + I know that if any other than I told it + to me I should not believe it. Yet despite these + drawbacks the story is in all particulars, essential + and otherwise, absolutely truthful.</p> + + <p>The facts are briefly these:</p> + + <p>It was not, to begin with, a dark and dismal + evening. The snow was not falling silently, clothing + a sad and gloomy world in a mantle of white, + and over the darkling moor a heavy mist was not + rising, as is so frequently the case. There was no + soul-stirring moaning of bitter winds through the + leafless boughs; so far as I was aware nothing + soughed within twenty miles of my bailiwick; and + my dog, lying before a blazing log fire in my library, + did not give forth an occasional growl of apprehension, + <a class="pagenum" id="page5" title="5"> </a>denoting the presence or approach of + an uncanny visitor from other and mysterious + realms: and for two good reasons. The first reason + is that it was midsummer when the thing happened, + so that a blazing log fire in my library + would have been an extravagance as well as an + anachronism. The second is that I have no dog. + In fact there was nothing unusual, or uncanny in + the whole experience. It happened to be a bright + and somewhat too sunny July day, which is not an + unusual happening along the banks of the Hudson. + You could see the heat, and if anything had + soughed it could only have been the mercury in my + thermometer. This I must say clicked nervously + against the top of the glass tube and manifested an + extraordinary desire to climb higher than the + length of the tube permitted. Incidentally I may + add, even if it be not believed, that the heat was so + intense that the mercury actually did raise the + whole thermometer a foot and a half above the + mantel-shelf, and for two mortal hours, from midday + until two by the Monastery Clock, held it suspended + there in mid-air with no visible means of + <a class="pagenum" id="page6" title="6"> </a>support. Not a breath of air was stirring, and + the only sounds heard were the expanding creaks of + the beams of my house, which upon that particular + day increased eight feet in width and assumed a + height which made it appear to be a three instead + of a two story dwelling. There was little work + doing in the house. The children played about in + their bathing suits, and the only other active + factor in my life of the moment was our hired man + who was kept busy in the cellar pouring water on + the furnace coal to keep it from spontaneously + combusting.</p> + + <p>We had just had luncheon, burning our throats + with the iced tea and with considerable discomfort + swallowing the simmering cold roast filet, which + we had to eat hastily before the heat of the day + transformed it into smoked beef. My youngest boy + Willie perspired so copiously that we seriously + thought of sending for a plumber to solder up his + pores, and as for myself who have spent three summers + of my life in the desert of Sahara in order to + rid myself of nervous chills to which I was once + unhappily subject, for the first time in my life I was + <a class="pagenum" id="page7" title="7"> </a>impelled to admit that it was intolerably warm. + And then the telephone bell rang.</p> + + <p>âGreat Scott!â I cried, âWho in thunder do + you suppose wants to play golf on a day like this?ââfor + nowadays our telephone is used for no other + purpose than the making or the breaking of golf + engagements.</p> + + <p>âMe,â cried my eldest son, whose grammar is + not as yet on a par with his activity. âIâll go.â</p> + + <p>The boy shot out of the dining room and ran to + the telephone, returning in a few moments with the + statement that a gentleman with a husky voice + whose name was none of his business wished to + speak with me on a matter of some importance to + myself.</p> + + <p>I was loath to go. My friends the book agents + had recently acquired the habit of approaching + me over the telephone, and I feared that here was + another nefarious attempt to foist a thirty-eight + volume tabloid edition of <cite>The Worldâs Worst Literature</cite> + upon me. Nevertheless I wisely determined + to respond.</p> + + <p>âHello,â I said, placing my lips against the rubber + <a class="pagenum" id="page8" title="8"> </a>cup. âHello there, who wants 91162 Nepperhan?â</p> + + <p>âIs that you?â came the answering question, + and, as my boy had indicated, in a voice whose chief + quality was huskiness.</p> + + <p>âI guess so,â I replied facetiously;ââIt was this + morning, but the heat has affected me somewhat, + and I donât feel as much like myself as I might. + What can I do for you?â</p> + + <p>âNothing, but you can do a lot for yourself,â was + the astonishing answer. âPretty hot for literary + work, isnât it?â the voice added sympathetically.</p> + + <p>âVery,â said I. âFact is I canât seem to do + anything these days but perspire.â</p> + + <p>âThatâs what I thought; and when you canât + work ruin stares you in the face, eh? Now I have + a manuscriptââ</p> + + <p>âOh Lord!â I cried. âDonât. There are millions + in the same fix. Even my cook writes.â</p> + + <p>âDonât know about that,â he returned instantly. + âBut I do know that thereâs millions in my manuscript. + And you can have it for the asking. Howâs + that for an offer?â</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page9" title="9"> </a>âVery kind, thank you,â said I. âWhatâs the + nature of your story?â</p> + + <p>âItâs extremely good-natured,â he answered + promptly.</p> + + <p>I laughed. The twist amused me.</p> + + <p>âThat isnât what I meant exactly,â said I, + âthough it has some bearing on the situation. Is + it a Henry James dandy, or does it bear the mark + of Caine? Is it realism or fiction?â</p> + + <p>âRealism,â said he. âFiction isnât in my line.â</p> + + <p>âWell, Iâll tell you,â I replied; âyou send it to + me by post and Iâll look it over. If I can use it I + will.â</p> + + <p>âCanât do it,â said he. âThere isnât any post-office + where I am.â</p> + + <p>âWhat?â I cried. âNo post-office? Where in + Hades are you?â</p> + + <p>âGehenna,â he answered briefly. âThe transportation + between your country and mine is all one + way,â he added. âIf it wasnât the population + here would diminish.â</p> + + <p>âThen how the deuce am I to get hold of your + stuff?â I demanded.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page10" title="10"> </a>âThatâs easy. Send your stenographer to the + âphone and Iâll dictate it,â he answered.</p> + + <p>The novelty of the situation appealed to me. + Even if my new found acquaintance were some + funny person nearer at hand than Gehenna trying + to play a practical joke upon me, still it might be + worth while to get hold of the story he had to tell. + Hence I agreed to his proposal.</p> + + <p>âAll right, sir,â said I. âIâll do it. Iâll have him + here to-morrow morning at nine oâclock sharp. + Whatâs your number? Iâll ring you up.â</p> + + <p>âNever mind that,â he replied. âIâm merely a + tapster on your wires. Iâll ring <em>you</em> up as soon as + Iâve had breakfast and then we can get to work.â</p> + + <p>âVery good,â said I. âAnd may I ask your + name?â</p> + + <p>âCertainly,â he answered. âIâm Munchausen.â</p> + + <p>âWhat? The Baron?â I roared, delighted.</p> + + <p>âWellâI used to be Baron,â he returned with a + tinge of sadness in his voice, âbut here in Gehenna + we are all on an equal footing. Iâm plain Mr. Munchausen + of Hades now. But thatâs a detail. Donât + forget. Nine oâclock. Good-bye.â</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page11" title="11"> </a>âWait a moment, Baron,â I cried. âHow about + the royalties on this book?â</p> + + <p>âKeep âem for yourself,â he replied. âWe have + money to burn over here. You are welcome to all + the earthly rights of the book. Iâm satisfied with + the returns on the Asbestos Edition, already in its + 468th thousand. Good-bye.â</p> + + <p>There was a rattle as of the hanging up of the + receiver, a short sharp click and a ring, and I + realised that he had gone.</p> + + <p>The next morning in response to a telegraphic + summons my stenographer arrived and when I explained + the situation to him he was incredulous, + but orders were orders and he remained. I could + see, however, that as nine oâclock approached he + grew visibly nervous, which indicated that he half + believed me anyhow, and when at nine to the second + the sharp ring of the âphone fell upon our ears he + jumped as if he had been shot.</p> + + <p>âHello,â said I again. âThat you, Baron?â</p> + + <p>âThe same,â the voice replied. âStenographer + ready?â</p> + + <p>âYes,â said I.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page12" title="12"> </a>The stenographer walked to the desk, placed the + receiver at his ear, and with trembling voice announced + his presence. There was a response of some + kind, and then more calmly he remarked, + âFire ahead, Mr. Munchausen,â and began to + write rapidly in short-hand.</p> + + <p>Two days later he handed me a type-written copy + of the following stories. The reader will observe + that they are in the form of interviews, and it + should be stated here that they appeared originally + in the columns of the Sunday edition of the <cite>Gehenna + Gazette</cite>, a publication of Hades which circulates + wholly among the best people of that country, and + which, if report saith truly, would not print a line + which could not be placed in the hands of children, + and to whose columns such writers as Chaucer, + Shakespeare, Ben Jonson, Jonah and Ananias are + frequent contributors.</p> + + <p>Indeed, on the statement of Mr. Munchausen, all + the interviews herein set forth were between himself + as the principal and the Hon. Henry B. + Ananias as reporter, or were scrupulously edited + by the latter before being published.</p> + </div> + <div id="chapter_2" class="chapter"><a class="pagenum" id="page13" title="13"> </a> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="two">II</span><br />THE SPORTING TOUR OF MR. MUNCHAUSEN</h2> + + <p class="first_paragraph">â<span class="first_word">Good</span> morning, Mr. Munchausen,â said the + interviewer of the <cite>Gehenna Gazette</cite> entering + the apartment of the famous traveller at the + Hotel Deville, where the late Baron had just arrived + from his sporting tour in the Blue Hills of + Cimmeria and elsewhere.</p> + + <p>âThe interests of truth, my dear Ananias,â + replied the Baron, grasping me cordially by the + hand, ârequire that I should state it as my opinion + that it is not a good morning. In fact, my good + friend, it is a very bad morning. Can you not see + that it is raining cats and dogs without?â</p> + + <p>âSir,â said I with a bow, âI accept the spirit of + your correction but not the letter. It is raining + indeed, sir, as you suggest, but having passed + through it myself on my way hither I can personally + testify that it is raining rain, and not a single + cat or canine has, to my knowledge, as yet fallen + from the clouds to the parched earth, although I am + <a class="pagenum" id="page14" title="14"> </a>informed that down upon the coast an elephant + and three cows have fallen upon one of the summer + hotels and irreparably damaged the roof.â</p> + + <p>Mr. Munchausen laughed.</p> + + <p>âIt is curious, Ananias,â said he, âwhat sticklers + for the truth you and I have become.â</p> + + <p>âIt is indeed, Munchausen,â I returned. âThe + effects of this climate are working wonders upon + us. And it is just as well. You and I are outclassed + by these twentieth century prevaricators + concerning whom late arrivals from the upper + world tell such strange things. They tell me that + lying has become a business and is no longer ranked + among the Arts or Professions.â</p> + + <p>âAh me!â sighed the Baron with a retrospective + look in his eye, âlying isnât what it used to be, + Ananias, in your days and mine. I fear it has become + one of the lost arts.â</p> + + <p>âI have noticed it myself, my friend, and only last + night I observed the same thing to my well beloved + Sapphira, who was lamenting the transparency + of the modern lie, and said that lying to-day is no + better than the truth. In our day a prevarication + <a class="pagenum" id="page15" title="15"> </a>had all of the opaque beauty of an opalescent bit of + glass, whereas to-day in the majority of cases it is + like a great vulgar plate-glass window, through + which we can plainly see the ugly truths that lie behind. + But, sir, I am here to secure from you not + a treatise upon the lost art of lying, but some idea + of the results of your sporting tour. You fished, + and hunted, and golfed, and doubtless did other + things. You, of course, had luck and made the + greatest catch of the season; shot all the game in + sight, and won every silver, gold and pewter golf + mug in all creation?â</p> + + <p>âYou speak truly, Ananias,â returned Mr. Munchausen. + âMy luck <em>was</em> wonderfulâeven for one + who has been so singularly fortunate as I. I took + three tons of speckled beauties with one cast of an + ordinary horse whip in the Blue Hills, and with + nothing but a silken line and a minnow hook landed + upon the deck of my steam yacht a whale of most + tremendous proportions; I shot game of every kind + in great abundance and in my golf there was none + to whom I could not give with ease seven holes in + every nine and beat him out.â</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page16" title="16"> </a>âSeven?â said I, failing to see how the ex-Baron + could be right.</p> + + <p>âSeven,â said he complacently. âSeven on the + first, and seven on the second nine; fourteen in all + of the eighteen holes.â</p> + + <p>âBut,â I cried, âI do not see how that could be. + With fourteen holes out of the eighteen given to + your opponent even if you won all the rest you still + would be ten down.â</p> + + <p>âTrue, by ordinary methods of calculation,â returned + the Baron, âbut I got them back on a technicality, + which I claim is a new and valuable discovery + in the game. You see it is impossible to + play more than one hole at a time, and I invariably + proved to the Greens Committee that in taking + fourteen holes at once my opponent violated the + physical possibilities of the situation. In every case + the point was accepted as well taken, for if we + allow golfers to rise above physical possibilities the + game is gone. The integrity of the Card is the + soul of Golf,â he added sententiously.</p> + + <p>âTell me of the whale,â said I, simply. âYou + landed a whale of large proportions on the deck + <a class="pagenum" id="page17" title="17"> </a>of your yacht with a simple silken line and a + minnow hook.â</p> + + <p>âWell itâs a tough story,â the Baron replied, + handing me a cigar. âBut it is true, Ananias, true + to the last word. I was fishing for eels. Sitting on + the deck of <em>The Lyre</em> one very warm afternoon in + the early stages of my trip, I baited a minnow hook + and dropped it overboard. It was the roughest + day at sea I had ever encountered. The waves were + mountain high, and it is the sad fact that one of our + crew seated in the main-top was drowned with the + spray of the dashing billows. Fortunately for myself, + directly behind my deck chair, to which I was + securely lashed, was a powerful electric fan which + blew the spray away from me, else I too might have + suffered the same horrid fate. Suddenly there + came a tug on my line. I was half asleep at the + time and let the line pay out involuntarily, but I + was wide-awake enough to know that something + larger than an eel had taken hold of the hook. I + had hooked either a Leviathan or a derelict. Caution + and patience, the chief attributes of a good + angler were required. I hauled the line in until it + <a class="pagenum" id="page18" title="18"> </a>was taut. There were a thousand yards of it out, + and when it reached the point of tensity, I gave + orders to the engineers to steam closer to the object + at the other end. We steamed in five hundred + yards, I meanwhile hauling in my line. Then came + another tug and I let out ten yards. âSteam + closer,â said I. âThree hundred yards sou-sou-west + by norâ-east.â The yacht obeyed on the instant. + I called the Captain and let him feel the + line. âWhat do you think it is?â said I. He pulled + a half dozen times. âFeels like a snag,â he said, + âbut seeinâ as there ainât no snags out here, I think + it must be a fish.â âWhat kind?â I asked. I could + not but agree that he was better acquainted with + the sea and its denizens than I. âWell,â he replied, + âit is either a sea serpent or a whale.â At the mere + mention of the word whale I was alert. I have always + wanted to kill a whale. âCaptain,â said I, + âcanât you tie an anchor onto a hawser, and bait + the flukes with a boa constrictor and make sure of + him?â He looked at me contemptuously. âWhales + eats fish,â said he, âand they donât bite at no + anchors. Whales has brains, whales has.â âWhat + <a class="pagenum" id="page19" title="19"> </a>shall we do?â I asked. âSteam closer,â said the + Captain, and we did so.â</p> + + <p>Munchausen took a long breath and for the moment + was silent.</p> + + <p>âWell?â said I.</p> + + <p>âWell, Ananias,â said he. âWe resolved to + wait. As the Captain said to me, âFishinâ is + waitinâ.â So we waited. âCoax him along,â said + the Captain. âHow can we do it?â I asked. âBy + kindness,â said he. âTreat him gently, persuasive-like + and heâll come.â We waited four days and + nobody moved and I grew weary of coaxing. âWeâve + got to do something,â said I to the Captain. âYes,â + said he, âLetâs <em>make</em> him move. He doesnât seem to + respond to kindness.â âBut how?â I cried. âGive + him an electric shock,â said the Captain. âTelegraph + him his motherâs sick and may be itâll move him.â + âCanât you get closer to him?â I demanded, resenting + his facetious manner. âI can, but it will + scare him off,â replied the Captain. So we turned + all our batteries on the sea. The dynamo shot + forth its bolts and along about four oâclock in the + afternoon there was the whale drawn by magnetic + <a class="pagenum" id="page20" title="20"> </a>influence to the side of <em>The Lyre</em>. He was a beauty, + Ananias,â Munchausen added with enthusiasm. + âYou never saw such a whale. His back was + as broad as the deck of an ocean steamer and in his + length he exceeded the dimensions of <em>The Lyre</em> by + sixty feet.â</p> + + <div id="illo01" class="illo"> + <a href="images/illo01.jpg"><img src="images/illo01-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="414" alt="A ghostly Baron standing at a boat rail tips his hat to a whale" /></a> + <p class="caption">âThere was the whale drawn by magnetic + influence to the side of <em>The Lyre</em>.â <span class="illo_ch">Chapter II.</span></p> + </div> + + + <p>âAnd still you got him on deck?â I asked,âI, + Ananias, who can stand something in the way of an + exaggeration.</p> + + <p>âYes,â said Munchausen, lighting his cigar, + which had gone out. âAnother storm came up and + we rolled and rolled and rolled, until I thought <em>The + Lyre</em> was going to capsize.â</p> + + <p>âBut werenât you sea-sick?â I asked.</p> + + <p>âDidnât have a chance to be,â said Munchausen. + âI was thinking of the whale all the time. Finally + there came a roll in which we went completely under, + and with a slight pulling on the line the + whale was landed by the force of the wave and laid + squarely upon the deck.â</p> + + <p>âGreat Sapphira!â said I. âBut you just said + he was wider and longer than the yacht!â</p> + + <p>âHe was,â sighed Munchausen. âHe landed on <!-- Original Location of Illo 1--> + <a class="pagenum" id="page21" title="21"> </a>the deck and by sheer force of his weight the yacht + went down under him. I swam ashore and the + whole crew with me. The next day Mr. Whale + floated in strangled. Heâd swallowed the thousand + yards of line and it got so tangled in his tonsils + that it choked him to death. Come around next + week and Iâll give you a couple of pounds of whalebone + for Mrs. Ananias, and all the oil you can + carry.â</p> + + <p>I thanked the old gentleman for his kind offer + and promised to avail myself of it, although as a + newspaper man it is against my principles to accept + gifts from public men.</p> + + <p>âIt was great luck, Baron,â said I. âOr at least + it would have been if you hadnât lost your yacht.â</p> + + <p>âThat was great luck too,â he observed nonchalantly. + âIt cost me ten thousand dollars a month + keeping that yacht in commission. Now sheâs gone + I save all that. Why itâs like finding money in the + street, Ananias. She wasnât worth more than fifty + thousand dollars, and in six months Iâll be ten + thousand ahead.â</p> + + <p>I could not but admire the cheerful philosophy + <a class="pagenum" id="page22" title="22"> </a>of the man, but then I was not surprised. Munchausen + was never the sort of man to let little + things worry him.</p> + + <p>âBut that whale business wasnât a circumstance + to my catch of three tons of trout with a single cast + of a horse-whip in the Blue Hills,â said the Baron + after a few moments of meditation, during which I + could see that he was carefully marshalling his + facts.</p> + + <p>âI never heard of its equal,â said I. âYou must + have used a derrick.â</p> + + <p>âNo,â he replied suavely. âNothing of the sort. + It was the simplest thing in the world. It was + along about five oâclock in the afternoon when with + my three guides and my valet I drove up the winding + roadway of Great Sulphur Mountain on my + way to the Blue Mountain House where I purposed + to put up for a few days. I had one of those big + mountain wagons with a covered top to it such as + the pioneers used on the American plains, with six + fine horses to the fore. I held the reins myself, + since we were in the midst of a terrific thunderstorm + and I felt safer when I did my own driving. + <a class="pagenum" id="page23" title="23"> </a>All the flaps of the leathern cover were let down + at the sides and at the back, and were securely + fastened. The roads were unusually heavy, and + when we came to the last great hill before the lake + all but I were walking, as a measure of relief to the + horses. Suddenly one of the horses balked right in + the middle of the ascent, and in a moment of impatience + I gave him a stinging flick with my whip, + when like a whirlwind the whole six swerved to + one side and started on a dead run upward. The + jolt and the unexpected swerving of the wagon + threw me from my seat and I landed clear of the + wheels in the soft mud of the roadway, fortunately + without injury. When I arose the team was out of + sight and we had to walk the remainder of the distance + to the hotel. Imagine our surprise upon arriving + there to find the six panting steeds and the + wagon standing before the main entrance to the + hotel dripping as though they had been through + the Falls of Niagara, and, would you believe it, + Ananias, inside that leather cover of the wagon, + packed as tightly as sardines, were no less than + three thousand trout, not one of them weighing + <a class="pagenum" id="page24" title="24"> </a>less than a pound and some of them getting as high + as four. The whole catch weighed a trifle over six + thousand pounds.â</p> + + <p>âGreat Heavens, Baron,â I cried. âWhere the + dickens did they come from?â</p> + + <p>âThatâs what I asked myself,â said the Baron + easily. âIt seemed astounding at first glance, but + investigation showed it after all to be a very simple + proposition. The runaways after reaching the top + of the hill turned to the left, and clattered on down + toward the bridge over the inlet to the lake. The + bridge broke beneath their weight and the horses + soon found themselves struggling in the water. The + harness was strong and the wagon never left them. + They had to swim for it, and I am told by a small + boy who was fishing on the lake at the time that + they swam directly across it, pulling the wagon + after them. Naturally with its open front and + confined back and sides the wagon acted as a sort + of drag-net and when the opposite shore was + gained, and the wagon was pulled ashore, it was + found to have gathered in all the fish that could + not get out of the way.â</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page25" title="25"> </a>The Baron resumed his cigar, and I sat still eyeing + the ample pattern of the drawing-room carpet.</p> + + <p>âPretty good catch for an afternoon, eh?â he + said in a minute.</p> + + <p>âYes,â said I. âAlmost too good, Baron. Those + horses must have swam like the dickens to get over + so quickly. You would think the trout would have + had time to escape.â</p> + + <p>âOh I presume one or two of them did,â said + Munchausen. âBut the majority of them couldnât. + The horses were all fast, record-breakers anyhow. + I never hire a horse that isnât.â</p> + + <p>And with that I left the old gentleman and + walked blushing back to the office. I donât doubt + for an instant the truth of the Baronâs story, but + somehow or other I feel that in writing it my reputation + is in some measure at stake.</p> + </div> + <div class="editor_note"><a class="pagenum" id="page26" title="26"> </a> + <p><span class="nb">Note</span>âMr. Munchausen, upon request of the Editor of the <cite>Gehenna + Gazette</cite> to write a few stories of adventure for his Impâs page, conducted + by Sapphira, contributed the tales which form the substance of several of + the following chapters.</p> + </div> + <div id="chapter_3" class="chapter"> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="three">III</span><br />THREE MONTHS IN A BALLOON</h2> + + <p class="first_paragraph"><span class="first_word">Mr. Munchausen</span> was not handsome, but + the Imps liked him very much, he was so + full of wonderful reminiscences, and was always + willing to tell anybody that would listen, all about + himself. To the Heavenly Twins he was the greatest + hero that had ever lived. Napoleon Bonaparte, + on Mr. Munchausenâs own authority, was not half + the warrior that he, the late Baron had been, nor + was CÊsar in his palmiest days, one-quarter so wise + or so brave. How old the Baron was no one ever + knew, but he had certainly lived long enough to + travel the world over, and stare every kind of death + squarely in the face without flinching. He had + fought Zulus, Indians, tigers, elephantsâin fact, + everything that fights, the Baron had encountered, + and in every contest he had come out victorious. + He was the only man the children had ever seen that + had lost three legs in battle and then had recovered + <a class="pagenum" id="page27" title="27"> </a>them after the fight was over; he was the only + visitor to their house that had been lost in the African + jungle and wandered about for three months + without food or shelter, and best of all he was, on + his own confession, the most truthful narrator of + extraordinary tales living. The youngsters had to + ask the Baron a question only, any one, it mattered + not what it wasâto start him off on a story of + adventure, and as he called upon the Twinsâ father + once a month regularly, the children were not long + in getting together a collection of tales beside + which the most exciting episodes in history paled + into insignificant commonplaces.</p> + + <p>âUncle Munch,â said the Twins one day, as they + climbed up into the visitorâs lap and disarranged + his necktie, âwas you ever up in a balloon?â</p> + + <p>âOnly once,â said the Baron calmly. âBut I + had enough of it that time to last me for a lifetime.â</p> + + <p>âWas you in it for long?â queried the Twins, + taking the Baronâs watch out of his pocket and + flinging it at Cerberus, who was barking outside of + the window.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page28" title="28"> </a>âWell, it seemed long enough,â the Baron answered, + putting his pocket-book in the inside pocket + of his vest where the Twins could not reach it. + âThree months off in the country sleeping all + day long and playing tricks all night seems a very + short time, but three months in a balloon and the + constant centre of attack from every source is too + long for comfort.â</p> + + <p>âWere you up in the air for three whole + months?â asked the Twins, their eyes wide open + with astonishment.</p> + + <p>âAll but two days,â said the Baron. âFor two + of those days we rested in the top of a tree in + India. The way of it was this: I was always, as + you know, a great favourite with the Emperor + Napoleon, of France, and when he found himself + involved in a war with all Europe, he replied to + one of his courtiers who warned him that his army + was not in condition: âAny army is prepared for + war whose commander-in-chief numbers Baron + Munchausen among his advisers. Let me have + Munchausen at my right hand and I will fight the + world.â So they sent for me and as I was not very + <a class="pagenum" id="page29" title="29"> </a>busy I concluded to go and assist the French, although + the allies and I were also very good friends. + I reasoned it out this way: In this fight the allies + are the stronger. They do not need me. Napoleon + does. Fight for the weak, Munchausen, I said to + myself, and so I went. Of course, when I reached + Paris I went at once to the Emperorâs palace and + remained at his side until he took the field, after + which I remained behind for a few days to put + things to rights for the Imperial family. Unfortunately + for the French, the King of Prussia heard of + my delay in going to the front, and he sent word to + his forces to intercept me on my way to join Napoleon + at all hazards, and this they tried to do. When + I was within ten miles of the Emperorâs headquarters, + I was stopped by the Prussians, and had + it not been that I had provided myself with a balloon + for just such an emergency, I should have been + captured and confined in the Kingâs palace at Berlin, + until the war was over.</p> + + <p>âForeseeing all this, I had brought with me a + large balloon packed away in a secret section of my + trunk, and while my body-guard was fighting with + <a class="pagenum" id="page30" title="30"> </a>the Prussian troops sent to capture me, I and my + valet inflated the balloon, jumped into the car and + were soon high up out of the enemyâs reach. They + fired several shots at us, and one of them would + have pierced the balloon had I not, by a rare good + shot, fired my own rifle at the bullet, and hitting it + squarely in the middle, as is my custom, diverted it + from its course, and so saved our lives.</p> + + <p>âIt had been my intention to sail directly over + the heads of the attacking party and drop down into + Napoleonâs camp the next morning, but unfortunately + for my calculations, a heavy wind came up in + the night and the balloon was caught by a northerly + blast, and blown into Africa, where, poised in the + air directly over the desert of Sahara, we encountered + a dead calm, which kept us stalled up for two + miserable weeks.â</p> + + <p>âWhy didnât you come down?â asked the Twins, + âwasnât the elevator running?â</p> + + <p>âWe didnât dare,â explained the Baron, ignoring + the latter part of the question. âIf we had weâd + have wasted a great deal of our gas, and our condition + would have been worse than ever. As I told + <a class="pagenum" id="page31" title="31"> </a>you we were directly over the centre of the desert. + There was no way of getting out of it except by long + and wearisome marches over the hot, burning sands + with the chances largely in favour of our never getting + out alive. The only thing to do was to stay + just where we were and wait for a favouring + breeze. This we did, having to wait four mortal + weeks before the air was stirred.â</p> + + <p>âYou said two weeks a minute ago, Uncle + Munch,â said the Twins critically.</p> + + <p>âTwo? Hem! Well, yes it was two, now that I + think of it. Itâs a natural mistake,â said the Baron + stroking his mustache a little nervously. âYou + see two weeks in a balloon over a vast desert of + sand, with nothing to do but whistle for a breeze, is + equal to four weeks anywhere else. That is, it seems + so. Anyhow, two weeks or four, whichever it was, + the breeze came finally, and along about midnight + left us stranded again directly over an Arab encampment + near Wady Halfa. It was a more perilous + position really, than the first, because the moment + the Arabs caught sight of us they began to + make frantic efforts to get us down. At first we + <a class="pagenum" id="page32" title="32"> </a>simply laughed them to scorn and made faces at + them, because as far as we could see, we were safely + out of reach. This enraged them and they apparently + made up their minds to kill us if they could. + At first their idea was to get us down alive and sell + us as slaves, but our jeers changed all that, and + what should they do but whip out a lot of guns and + begin to pepper us.</p> + + <p>ââIâll settle them in a minute,â I said to myself, + and set about loading my own gun. Would you + believe it, I found that my last bullet was the one + with which I had saved the balloon from the Prussian + shot?â</p> + + <p>âMercy, how careless of you, Uncle Munch!â + said one of the Twins. âWhat did you do?â</p> + + <p>âI threw out a bag of sand ballast so that the + balloon would rise just out of range of their guns, + and then, as their bullets got to their highest point + and began to drop back, I reached out and caught + them in a dipper. Rather neat idea, eh? With + these I loaded my own rifle and shot every one + of the hostile party with their own ammunition, + and when the last of the attacking Arabs dropped + <a class="pagenum" id="page33" title="33"> </a>I found there were enough bullets left to fill the + empty sand bag again, so that the lost ballast + was not missed. In fact, there were enough of + them in weight to bring the balloon down so + near to the earth that our anchor rope dangled + directly over the encampment, so that my valet and + I, without wasting any of our gas, could climb + down and secure all the magnificent treasures in + rugs and silks and rare jewels these robbers of the + desert had managed to get together in the course of + their depredations. When these were placed in the + car another breeze came up, and for the rest of the + time we drifted idly about in the heavens waiting + for a convenient place to land. In this manner we + were blown hither and yon for three months over + land and sea, and finally we were wrecked upon a + tall tree in India, whence we escaped by means of a + convenient elephant that happened to come our + way, upon which we rode triumphantly into Calcutta. + The treasures we had secured from the + Arabs, unfortunately, we had to leave behind us in + the tree, where I suppose they still are. I hope + some day to go back and find them.â</p> + + <div id="illo02" class="illo"> + <a href="images/illo02.jpg"><img src="images/illo02-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="413" alt="Baron reaches out of a balloon car with a soup ladle to catch bullets" /></a> + <p class="caption">âAs their bullets got to their highest point + and began to drop back, I reached out and + caught them.â <span class="illo_ch">Chapter III.</span></p> + </div> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page34" title="34"> </a>Here Mr. Munchausen paused for a moment to + catch his breath. Then he added with a sigh. âOf + course, I went back to France immediately, but by + the time I reached Paris the war was over, and the + Emperor was in exile. I was too late to save himâthough + I think if he had lived some sixty or seventy + years longer I should have managed to restore his + throne, and Imperial splendour to him.â</p> + + <p>The Twins gazed into the fire in silence for a + minute or two. Then one of them asked:</p> + + <p>âBut what did you live on all that time, Uncle + Munch?â</p> + + <p>âEggs,â said the Baron. âEggs and occasionally + fish. My servant had had the foresight when + getting the balloon ready to include, among the + things put into the car, a small coop in which were + six pet chickens I owned, and without which I + never went anywhere. These laid enough eggs + every day to keep us alive. The fish we caught + when our balloon stood over the sea, baiting our + anchor with pieces of rubber gas pipe used to inflate + the balloon, and which looked very much like + worms.â</p> + + <!-- Original location of illo02 --> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page35" title="35"> </a>âBut the chickens?â said the Twins. âWhat + did they live on?â</p> + + <p>The Baron blushed.</p> + + <p>âI am sorry you asked that question,â he said, + his voice trembling somewhat. âBut Iâll answer it + if you promise never to tell anyone. It was the + only time in my life that I ever practised an intentional + deception upon any living thing, and I + have always regretted it, although our very lives + depended upon it.â</p> + + <p>âWhat was it, Uncle Munch?â asked the Twins, + awed to think that the old warrior had ever deceived + anyone.</p> + + <p>âI took the egg shells and ground them into + powder, and fed them to the chickens. The poor + creatures supposed it was corn-meal they were getting,â + confessed the Baron. âI know it was mean, + but what could I do?â</p> + + <p>âNothing,â said the Twins softly. âAnd we + donât think it was so bad of you after all. Many + another person would have kept them laying eggs + until they starved, and then heâd have killed them + and eaten them up. You let them live.â</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page36" title="36"> </a>âThat may be so,â said the Baron, with a smile + that showed how relieved his conscience was by the + Twinsâ suggestion. âBut I couldnât do that you + know, because they were pets. I had been brought + up from childhood with those chickens.â</p> + + <p>Then the Twins, jamming the Baronâs hat down + over his eyes, climbed down from his lap and went + to their play, strongly of the opinion that, though a + bold warrior, the Baron was a singularly kind, + soft-hearted man after all.</p> + </div> + <div id="chapter_4" class="chapter"><a class="pagenum" id="page37" title="37"> </a> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="four">IV</span><br />SOME HUNTING STORIES FOR CHILDREN</h2> + + <p class="first_paragraph"><span class="first_word">The</span> Heavenly Twins had been off in the mountains + during their summer holiday, and in consequence + had seen very little of their good old + friend, Mr. Munchausen. He had written them + once or twice, and they had found his letters most + interesting, especially that one in which he told + how he had killed a moose up in Maine with his + Waterbury watch spring, and I do not wonder that + they marvelled at that, for it was one of the most extraordinary + happenings in the annals of the chase. + It seems, if his story is to be believed, and I am sure + that none of us who know him has ever had any + reason to think that he would deceive intentionally; + it seems, I say, that he had gone to Maine for a + weekâs sport with an old army acquaintance of his, + who had now become a guide in that region. Unfortunately + his rifle, of which he was very fond, and + with which his aim was unerring, was in some manner + mislaid on the way, and when they arrived in the + woods they were utterly without weapons; but Mr. + <a class="pagenum" id="page38" title="38"> </a>Munchausen was not the man to be daunted by any + such trifle as that, particularly while his friend had + an old army musket, a relic of the war, stored away + in the attic of his woodland domicile.</p> + + <p>âThâ only trouble with that ar musket,â said the + old guide, âainât so much that she wonât shoot + straight, nor that sheâs got a kick onto her like an + unbroke mule. What Iâm most afeard âon about + your shootinâ with her ainât that I think sheâll bust + neither, for the fact is we ainât got nothinâ for to + bust her with, seeinâ as how ammynition is skeerce. + I got powder, anâ I got waddinâ, but I ainât got no + shot.â</p> + + <p>âThat doesnât make any difference,â the Baron + replied. âWe can make the shot. Have you got + any plumbing in the camp? If you have, rip it out, + and Iâll melt up a water-pipe into bullets.â</p> + + <p>âNo, sir,â retorted the old man. âPlumbinâ is + one of the things I came here to escape from.â</p> + + <p>âThen,â said the Baron, âIâll use my watch for + ammunition. It is only a three-dollar watch and I + can spare it.â</p> + + <p>With this determination, Mr. Munchausen took + <a class="pagenum" id="page39" title="39"> </a>his watch to pieces, an ordinary time-piece of the + old-fashioned kind, and, to make a long story short, + shot for several days with the component parts of + that useful affair rammed down into the barrel of + the old musket. With the stem-winding ball he + killed an eagle; with pieces of the back cover + chopped up to a fineness of medium-sized shot he + brought down several other birds, but the great feat + of all was when he started for moose with nothing + but the watch-spring in the barrel of the gun. Having + rolled it up as tight as he could, fastened it with + a piece of twine, and rammed it well into the gun, he + set out to find the noble animal upon whose life he + had designs. After stalking the woods for several + hours, he came upon the tracks which told him that + his prey was not far off, and in a short while he + caught sight of a magnificent creature, his huge + antlers held proudly up and his great eyes full of + defiance.</p> + + <p>For a moment the Baron hesitated. The idea of + destroying so beautiful an animal seemed to be abhorrent + to his nature, which, warrior-like as he is, + has something of the tenderness of a woman about + <a class="pagenum" id="page40" title="40"> </a>it. A second glance at the superb creature, however, + changed all that, for the Baron then saw that + to shoot to kill was necessary, for the beast was + about to force a fight in which the hunter himself + would be put upon the defensive.</p> + + <p>âI wonât shoot you through the head, my + beauty,â he said, softly, ânor will I puncture your + beautiful coat with this load of mine, but Iâll kill + you in a new way.â</p> + + <p>With this he pulled the trigger. The powder exploded, + the string binding the long black spring + into a coil broke, and immediately the strip of steel + shot forth into the air, made directly toward the + neck of the rushing moose, and coiling its whole + sinuous length tightly about the doomed creatureâs + throat strangled him to death.</p> + + <p>As the Twinsâ father said, a feat of that kind entitled + the Baron to a high place in fiction at least, + if not in history itself. The Twins were very much + wrought up over the incident, particularly, when + one too-smart small imp who was spending the + summer at the same hotel where they were said + that he didnât believe it,âbut he was an imp who + <a class="pagenum" id="page41" title="41"> </a>had never seen a cheap watch, so how should he + know anything about what could be done with a + spring that cannot be wound up by a great strong + man in less than ten minutes?</p> + + <p>As for the Baron he was very modest about the + achievement, for when he first appeared at the + Twinsâ home after their return he had actually forgotten + all about it, and, in fact, could not recall + the incident at all, until Diavolo brought him his + own letter, when, of course, the whole matter came + back to him.</p> + + <p>âIt wasnât so very wonderful, anyhow,â said the + Baron. âI should not think, for instance, of bragging + about any such thing as that. It was a simple + affair all through.â</p> + + <p>âAnd what did you do with the mooseâs antlers?â + asked Angelica. âI hope you brought âem + home with you, because Iâd like to see âem.â</p> + + <p>âI wanted to,â said the Baron, stroking the + Twinsâ soft brown locks affectionately. âI wanted + to bring them home for your father to use as a + hat rack, dear, but they were too large. When I + had removed them from the dead animal, I found + <a class="pagenum" id="page42" title="42"> </a>them so large that I could not get them out of the + forest, they got so tangled up in the trees. I should + have had to clear a path twenty feet wide and seven + miles long to get them even as far as my friendâs + hut, and after that they would have had to be + carried thirty miles through the woods to the express + office.â</p> + + <p>âI guess itâs just as well after all,â said Diavolo. + âIf they were as big as all that, Papa would have + had to build a new house to get âem into.â</p> + + <p>âExactly,â said the Baron. âExactly. That + same idea occurred to me, and for that reason I concluded + not to go to the trouble of cutting away + those miles of trees. The antlers would have made + a very expensive present for your father to receive + in these hard times.â</p> + + <p>âIt was a good thing you had that watch,â the + Twins observed, after thinking over the Baronâs + adventure. âIf you hadnât had that you couldnât + have killed the moose.â</p> + + <p>âVery likely not,â said the Baron, âunless I + had been able to do as I did in India thirty years + ago at a man hunt.â</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page43" title="43"> </a>âWhat?â cried the Twins. âDo they hunt men + in India?â?</p> + + <p>âThat all depends, my dears,â replied the Baron. + âIt all depends upon what you mean by the word + they. Men donât hunt men, but animals, great wild + beasts sometimes hunt them, and it doesnât often + happen that the men escape. In the particular + man hunt I refer to I was the creature that was being + hunted, and Iâve had a good deal of sympathy + for foxes ever since. This was a regular fox hunt + in a way, although I was the fox, and a herd of elephants + were the huntsmen.â</p> + + <p>âHow queer,â said Diavolo, unscrewing one of + the Baronâs shirt studs to see if he would fall apart.</p> + + <p>âNot half so queer as my feelings when I realised + my position,â said the Baron with a shake of his + head. âI was frightened half to death. It seemed + to me that Iâd reached the end of my tether at last. + I was studying the fauna and flora of India, in a + small Indian village, known as ahâwhat was the + name of that town! Ahâsomething like Rathabadâno, + that isnât quite itâhowever, one name does + as well as another in India. It was a good many + <a class="pagenum" id="page44" title="44"> </a>miles from Calcutta, and Iâd been living there + about three months. The village lay in a small + valley between two ranges of hills, none of them + very high. On the other side of the westerly hills + was a great level stretch of country upon which + herds of elephants used to graze. Out of this rose + these hills, very precipitously, which was a very + good thing for the people in the valley, else those + elephants would have come over and played havoc + with their homes and crops. To me the plains had + a great fascination, and I used to wander over them + day after day in search of new specimens for my + collection of plants and flowers, never thinking of + the danger I ran from an encounter with these elephants, + who were very ferocious and extremely + jealous of the territory they had come through + years of occupation to regard as their own. So it + happened, that one day, late in the afternoon, I was + returning from an expedition over the plains, and, + as I had found a large number of new specimens, + I was feeling pretty happy. I whistled loudly as I + walked, when suddenly coming to a slight undulation + <a class="pagenum" id="page45" title="45"> </a>in the plain what should I see before me but + a herd of sixty-three elephants, some eating, some + thinking, some romping, and some lying asleep on + the soft turf. Now, if I had come quietly, of course, + I could have passed them unobserved, but as I told + you I was whistling. I forget what the tune was, + The Marsellaise or Die Wacht Am Rhein, or maybe + Tommie Atkins, which enrages the elephants very + much, being the national anthem of the British invader. + At any rate, whatever the tune was it attracted + the attention of the elephants, and then + their sport began. The leader lifted his trunk high + in the air, and let out a trumpet blast that echoed + back from the cliff three miles distant. Instantly + every elephant was on the alert. Those that had + been sleeping awoke, and sprang to their feet. + Those that had been at play stopped in their romp, + and under the leadership of the biggest brute of + the lot they made a rush for me. I had no gun; + nothing except my wits and my legs with which to + defend myself, so I naturally began to use the latter + until I could get the former to work. It was nip + <a class="pagenum" id="page46" title="46"> </a>and tuck. They could run faster than I could, and + I saw in an instant that without stratagem I could + not hope to reach a place of safety. As I have said, + the cliff, which rose straight up from the plain like + a stone-wall, was three miles away, nor was there + any other spot in which I could find a refuge. It + occurred to me as I ran that if I ran in circles I + could edge up nearer to the cliff all the time, and + still keep my pursuers at a distance for the simple + reason that an elephant being more or less unwieldy + cannot turn as rapidly as a man can, so I + kept running in circles. I could run around my + short circle in less time than the enemy could run + around his larger one, and in this manner I got + nearer and nearer my haven of safety, the bellowing + beasts snorting with rage as they followed. Finally, + when I began to see that I was tolerably safe, another + idea occurred to me, which was that if I + could manage to kill those huge creatures the ivory + I could get would make my fortune. But how! + That was the question. Well, my dearly beloved + Imps, I admit that I am a fast runner, but I am <!-- Original location of illo03 --> + <a class="pagenum" id="page47" title="47"> </a>also a fast thinker, and in less than two minutes I + had my plan arranged. I stopped short when about + two hundred feet from the cliff, and waited until + the herd was fifty feet away. Then I turned about + and ran with all my might up to within two feet + of the cliff, and then turning sharply to the left + ran off in that direction. The elephants, thinking + they had me, redoubled their speed, but failed to + notice that I had turned, so quickly was that movement + executed. They failed likewise to notice the + cliff, as I had intended. The consequence was the + whole sixty-three of them rushed head first, bang! + with all their force, into the rock. The hill shook + with the force of the blow and the sixty-three elephants + fell dead. They had simply butted their + brains out.â</p> + + <div id="illo03" class="illo"> + <a href="images/illo03.jpg"><img src="images/illo03-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="412" alt="Baron chased by a herd of elephants" /></a> + <p class="caption">âI got nearer and nearer my haven of safety, + the bellowing beasts snorting with rage as + they followed.â <span class="illo_ch">Chapter IV.</span></p> + </div> + + <p>Here the Baron paused and pulled vigourously on + his cigar, which had almost gone out.</p> + + <p>âThat was fine,â said the Twins.</p> + + <p>âWhat a narrow escape it was for you, Uncle + Munch,â said Diavolo.</p> + + <p>âVery true,â said the great soldier rising, as a + <a class="pagenum" id="page48" title="48"> </a>signal that his story was done. âIn fact you might + say that I had sixty-three narrow escapes, one for + each elephant.â</p> + + <p>âBut what became of the ivory?â asked Angelica.</p> + + <p>âOh, as for that!â said the Baron, with a sigh, + âI was disappointed in that. They turned out to + be all young elephants, and they had lost their + first teeth. Their second teeth hadnât grown yet. + I got only enough ivory to make one paper cutter, + which is the one I gave your father for Christmas + last year.â</p> + + <p>Which may account for the extraordinary interest + the Twins have taken in their fatherâs paper + cutter ever since.</p> + </div> + <div id="chapter_5" class="chapter"><a class="pagenum" id="page49" title="49"> </a> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="five">V</span><br />THE STORY OF JANG</h2> + + <p class="first_paragraph">â<span class="first_word">Did</span> you ever own a dog, Baron Munchausen?â + asked the reporter of the <cite>Gehenna + Gazette</cite>, calling to interview the eminent nobleman + during Dog Show Week in Cimmeria.</p> + + <p>âYes, indeed I have,â said the Baron, âI fancy I + must have owned as many as a hundred dogs in my + life. To be sure some of the dogs were iron and + brass, but I was just as fond of them as if they had + been made of plush or lambâs wool. They were so + quiet, those iron dogs were; and the brass dogs + never barked or snapped at any one.â</p> + + <p>âI never saw a brass dog,â said the reporter. + âWhat good are they?â</p> + + <p>âOh they are likely to be very useful in winter,â + the Baron replied. âMy brass dogs used to guard + my fire-place and keep the blazing logs from rolling + out into my room and setting fire to the rug the + Khan of Tartary gave me for saving his life from a + herd of Antipodes he and I were hunting in the + Himalaya Mountains.â</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page50" title="50"> </a>âI donât see what you needed dogs to do that + for,â said the reporter. âA fender would have + done just as well, or a pair of andirons,â he added.</p> + + <p>âThatâs what these dogs were,â said the Baron. + âThey were fire dogs and fire dogs are andirons.â</p> + + <p>Ananias pressed his lips tightly together, and + into his eyes came a troubled look. It was evident + that, revolting as the idea was to him, he thought + the Baron was trying to deceive him. Noting his + displeasure, the Baron inwardly resolving to be + careful how he handled the truth, hastened on + with his story.</p> + + <p>âBut dogs were never my favourite animals,â he + said. âWith my pets I am quite as I am with other + things. I like to have pets that are entirely different + from the pets of other people, and that is why + in my day I have made companions of such animals + as the sangaree, and the camomile, and theâahâthe + two-horned piccolo. Iâve had tame bees evenâin + fact my bees used to be the wonder of Siam, in + which country I was stationed for three years, having + been commissioned by a British company to + make a study of its climate with a view to finding + <a class="pagenum" id="page51" title="51"> </a>out if it would pay the company to go into the ice + business there. Siam is, as you have probably + heard, a very warm country, and as ice is a very + rare thing in warm countries these English people + thought they might make a vast fortune by sending + tug-boats up to the Arctic Ocean, and with them + capture and tow icebergs to Siam, where they + might be cut up and sold to the people at tremendous + profit. The scheme was certainly a good one, + and I found many of the wealthy Siamese quite + willing to subscribe for a hundred pounds of ice a + week at ten dollars a pound, but it never came to + anything because we had no means of preserving + the icebergs after we got them into the Gulf of + Siam. The water was so hot that they melted before + we could cut them up, and we nearly got ourselves + into very serious trouble with the coast + people for that same reason. An iceberg, as you + know, is a huge affair, and when a dozen or two of + them had melted in the Gulf they added so to the + quantity of water there that fifty miles of the + coast line were completely flooded, and thousands + of valuable fish, able to live in warm water only, + <a class="pagenum" id="page52" title="52"> </a>were so chilled that they got pneumonia, and died. + You can readily imagine how indignant the Siamese + fishermen were with my company over the losses + they had to bear, but their affection for me personally + was so great that they promised not to sue the + company if I would promise not to let the thing + occur again. This I promised, and all went well. + But about the bees, it was while I was living in + Bangkok that I had them, and they were truly wonderful. + There was hardly anything those bees + couldnât do after I got them tamed.â</p> + + <p>âHow did you tame them, Baron,â asked + Ananias.</p> + + <p>âPower of the eye, my boy,â returned the Baron. + âI attracted their attention first and then held it. + Of course, I tried my plan on one bee first. He + tamed the rest. Bees are very like children. They + like to play stuntsâI think it is called stunts, + isnât it, when one boy does something, and all his + companions try to do the same thing?â</p> + + <p>âYes,â said Ananias, âI believe there is such a + game, but I shouldnât like to play it with you.â</p> + + <p>âWell, that was the way I did with the bees,â + <a class="pagenum" id="page53" title="53"> </a>said Mr. Munchausen. âI tamed the king bee, + and when he had learned all sorts of funny little + tricks, such as standing on his head and humming + tunes, I let him go back to the swarm. He + was gone a week, and then he came back, he had + grown so fond of meâas well he might, because I + fed him well, giving him a large basket of flowers + three times a day. Back with him came two or + three thousand other bees, and whatever Jang did + they did.â</p> + + <p>âWho was Jang?â asked Ananias.</p> + + <p>âThat was the first beeâs name. King Jang. + Jang is Siamese for Billie, and as I was always + fond of the name, Billie, I called him Jang. By and + by every bee in the lot could hum the Star Spangled + Banner and Yankee Doodle as well as you or I + could, and it was grand on those soft moonlight + nights we had there, to sit on the back porch of my + pagoda and listen to my bee orchestra discoursing + sweet music. Of course, as soon as Jang had + learned to hum one tune it was easy enough for + him to learn another, and before long the bee orchestra + could give us any bit of music we wished + <a class="pagenum" id="page54" title="54"> </a>to have. Then I used to give musicales at my house + and all the Siamese people, from the King down + asked to be invited, so that through my pets my + home became one of the most attractive in all Asia.</p> + + <p>âAnd the honey those bees made! It was the + sweetest honey you ever tasted, and every morning + when I got down to breakfast there was a fresh + bottleful ready for me, the bees having made it in + the bottle itself over night. They were the most + grateful pets I ever had, and once they saved my + life. They used to live in a hive I had built for them + in one corner of my room and I could go to bed and + sleep with every door in my house open, and not be + afraid of robbers, because those bees were there to + protect me. One night a lion broke loose from the + Royal Zoo, and while trotting along the road looking + for something to eat he saw my front door wide + open. In he walked, and began to sniff. He sniffed + here and he sniffed there, but found nothing but a + pot of anchovy paste, which made him thirstier and + hungrier than ever. So he prowled into the parlour, + and had his appetite further aggravated by a bronze + statue of the Emperor of China I had there. He + <a class="pagenum" id="page55" title="55"> </a>thought in the dim light it was a small-sized human + being, and he pounced on it in a minute. Well, of + course, he couldnât make any headway trying to + eat a bronze statue, and the more he tried the more + hungry and angry he got. He roared until he shook + the house and would undoubtedly have awakened + me had it not been that I am always a sound sleeper + and never wake until I have slept enough. Why, on + one occasion, on the Northern Pacific Railway, a + train I was on ran into and completely telescoped + another while I was asleep in the smoking car, and + although I was severely burned and hurled out of + the car window to land sixty feet away on the prairie, + I didnât wake up for two hours. I was nearly + buried alive because they thought Iâd been killed, + I lay so still.</p> + + <p>âBut to return to the bees. The roaring of the + lion disturbed them, and Jang buzzed out of his + hive to see what was the matter just as the lion appeared + at my bed-room door. The intelligent insect + saw in a moment what the trouble was, and he + sounded the alarm for the rest of the bees, who came + swarming out of the hive in response to the summons. + <a class="pagenum" id="page56" title="56"> </a>Jang kept his eye on the lion meanwhile, + and just as the prowler caught sight of your uncle + peacefully snoring away on the bed, dreaming of + his boyhood, and prepared to spring upon me, Jang + buzzed over and sat down upon his back, putting + his sting where it would do the most good. The + angry lion, who in a moment would have fastened + his teeth upon me, turned with a yelp of pain, and + the bite which was to have been mine wrought + havoc with his own back. Following Jangâs example, + the other bees ranged themselves in line + over the lionâs broad shoulders, and stung him until + he roared with pain. Each time he was stung he + would whisk his head around like a dog after a + flea, and bite himself, until finally he had literally + chewed himself up, when he fainted from sheer exhaustion, + and I was saved. You can imagine my + surprise when next morning I awakened to find a + dying lion in my room.â</p> + + <div id="illo04" class="illo"> + <img src="images/illo04-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="417" alt="A lion roars at a bee on its back" /> + <p class="caption">âJang buzzed over and sat down upon his + back, putting his sting where it would do the + most good.â <span class="illo_ch">Chapter V.</span></p> + </div> + + <p>âBut, Baron,â said Ananias. âI donât understand + one thing about it. If you were fast asleep + while all this was happening how did you know + that Jang did those things?â</p> + + <!-- Original location of illo04 --> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page57" title="57"> </a>âWhy, Jang told me himself,â replied the Baron + calmly.</p> + + <p>âCould he talk?â cried Ananias in amazement.</p> + + <p>âNot as you and I do,â said the Baron. âOf + course not, but Jang could spell. I taught him how. + You see I reasoned it out this way. If a bee can be + taught to sing a song which is only a story in music, + why canât he be taught to tell a story in real words. + It was worth trying anyhow, and I tried. Jang + was an apt pupil. He was the most intelligent bee + I ever met, and it didnât take me more than a month + to teach him his letters, and when he once knew + his letters it was easy enough to teach him how to + spell. I got a great big sheet and covered it with + twenty-six squares, and in each of these squares I + painted a letter of the alphabet, so that finally when + Jang came to know them, and wanted to tell me + anything he would fly from one square to another + until he had spelled out whatever he wished to say. + I would follow his movements closely, and we got + so after awhile that we could converse for hours + without any trouble whatsoever. I really believe + that if Jang had been a little heavier so that he + <a class="pagenum" id="page58" title="58"> </a>could push the keys down far enough he could have + managed a typewriter as well as anybody, and + when I think about his wonderful mind and delicious + fancy I deeply regret that there never was a + typewriting machine so delicately made that a bee + of his weight could make it go. The world would + have been very much enriched by the stories Jang + had in his mind to tell, but it is too late now. He + is gone forever.â</p> + + <p>âHow did you lose Jang, Baron?â asked + Ananias, with tears in his eyes.</p> + + <p>âHe thought I had deceived him,â said the + Baron, with a sigh. âHe was as much of a stickler + for truth as I am. An American friend of mine + sent me a magnificent parterre of wax flowers + which were so perfectly made that I couldnât tell + them from the real. I was very proud of them, + and kept them in my room near the hive. When + Jang and his tribe first caught sight of them they + were delighted and they sang as they had never + sung before just to show how pleased they were. + Then they set to work to make honey out of them. + <a class="pagenum" id="page59" title="59"> </a>They must have laboured over those flowers for two + months before I thought to tell them that they were + only wax and not at all real. As I told Jang this, + I unfortunately laughed, thinking that he could + understand the joke of the thing as well as I, but I + was mistaken. All that he could see was that he + had been deceived, and it made him very angry. + Bees donât seem to have a well-developed sense of + humour. He cast a reproachful glance at me and + returned to his hive and on the morning of the third + day when I waked up they were moving out. They + flew to my lattice and ranged themselves along the + slats and waited for Jang. In a moment he appeared + and at a given signal they buzzed out of my + sight, humming a farewell dirge as they went. I + never saw them again.â</p> + + <p>Here the Baron wiped his eyes.</p> + + <p>âI felt very bad about it,â he went on, âand resolved + then never again to do anything which even + suggested deception, and when several years later + I had my crest designed I had a bee drawn on it, + for in my eyes my good friend the bee, represents + <a class="pagenum" id="page60" title="60"> </a>three great factors of the good and successful lifeâIndustry, + Fidelity, and Truth.â</p> + + <p>Whereupon the Baron went his way, leaving + Ananias to think it over.</p> + </div> + <div id="chapter_6" class="chapter"><a class="pagenum" id="page61" title="61"> </a> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="six">VI</span><br />HE TELLS THE TWINS OF FIRE-WORKS</h2> + + <p class="first_paragraph"><span class="first_word">There</span> was a great noise going on in the public + square of Cimmeria when Mr. Munchausen + sauntered into the library at the home of the Heavenly + Twins.</p> + + <p>âThese Americans are having a great time of it + celebrating their Fourth of July,â said he, as the + house shook with the explosion of a bomb. + âTheyâve burnt powder enough already to set ten + revolutions revolving, and theyâre going to outdo + themselves to-night in the park. Theyâve made a + bicycle out of the two huge pin-wheels, and theyâre + going to make Benedict Arnold ride a mile on it + after itâs lit.â</p> + + <p>The Twins appeared much interested. They too + had heard much of the celebration and some of its + joys and when the Baron arrived they were primed + with questions.</p> + + <p>âUncle Munch,â they said, helping the Baron to + remove his hat and coat, which they threw into + a corner so anxious were they to get to work, âdo + <a class="pagenum" id="page62" title="62"> </a>you think thereâs much danger in little boys having + fire-crackers and rockets and pin-wheels, or in + little girls having torpeters?â</p> + + <p>âWell, I donât know,â the Baron answered, warily. + âWhat does your venerable Dad say about + it?â</p> + + <p>âHe thinks we ought to wait until we are older, + but we donât,â said the Twins.</p> + + <p>âTorpeters never sets nothing afire,â said Angelica.</p> + + <p>âThatâs true,â said the Baron, kindly; âbut + after all your father is right. Why do you know + what happened to me when I was a boy?â</p> + + <p>âYou burnt your thumb,â said the Twins, ready + to make a guess at it.</p> + + <p>âWell, you get me a cigar, and Iâll tell you what + happened to me when I was a boy just because my + father let me have all the fire-works I wanted, and + then perhaps you will see how wise your father is + in not doing as you wish him to,â said Mr. Munchausen.</p> + + <p>The Twins readily found the desired cigar, after + which Mr. Munchausen settled down comfortably + <a class="pagenum" id="page63" title="63"> </a>in the hammock, and swinging softly to and fro, + told his story.</p> + + <p>âMy dear old father,â said he, âwas the most + indulgent man that ever lived. Heâd give me anything + in the world that I wanted whether he could + afford it or not, only he had an original system of + giving which kept him from being ruined by indulgence + of his children. He gave me a Rhine steamboat + once without its costing him a cent. I saw it, + wanted it, was beginning to cry for it, when he + patted me on the head and told me I could have + it, adding, however, that I must never take it away + from the river or try to run it myself. That satisfied + me. All I wanted really was the happiness + of feeling it was mine, and my dear old daddy gave + me permission to feel that way. The same thing + happened with reference to the moon. He gave + it to me freely and ungrudgingly. He had received + it from his father, he said, and he thought he had + owned it long enough. Only, he added, as he + had about the steamboat, I must leave it where it + was and let other people look at it whenever they + wanted to, and not interfere if I found any other + <a class="pagenum" id="page64" title="64"> </a>little boys or girls playing with its beams, which + I promised and have faithfully observed to this day.</p> + + <p>âOf course from such a parent as this you may + very easily see everything was to be expected on + such a day as the Tenth of August which the people + in our region celebrated because it was my birthday. + He used to let me have my own way at all + times, and itâs a wonder I wasnât spoiled. I really + canât understand how it is that I have become the + man I am, considering how I was indulged when I + was small.</p> + + <p>âHowever, like all boys, I was very fond of celebrating + the Tenth, and being a more or less ingenious + lad, I usually prepared my own fire-works + and many things happened which might not otherwise + have come to pass if I had been properly + looked after as you are. The first thing that happened + to me on the Tenth of August that would + have a great deal better not have happened, was + when I wasâerâhow old are you Imps?â</p> + + <p>âSixteen,â said they. âGoing on eighteen.â</p> + + <p>âNonsense,â said the Baron. âWhy youâre not + more than eight.â</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page65" title="65"> </a>âNopeâweâre sixteen,â said Diavolo. âIâm + eight and Angelicaâs eight and twice eight is sixteen.â</p> + + <p>âOh,â said the Baron. âI see. Well, that was + exactly the age I was at the time. Just eight to a + day.â</p> + + <p>âSixteen we said,â said the Twins.</p> + + <p>âYes,â nodded the Baron. âJust eight, but going + on towards sixteen. My father had given me + ten thalers to spend on noises, but unlike most boys + I did not care so much for noises as I did for novelties. + It didnât give me any particular pleasure + to hear a giant cracker go off with a bang. What I + wanted to do most of all was to get up some kind + of an exhibition that would please the people and + that could be seen in the day-time instead of at + night when everybody is tired and sleepy. So instead + of spending my money on fire-crackers and + torpedoes and rockets, I spent nine thalers of it + on powder and one thaler on putty blowers. My + particular object was to make one grand effort and + provide passers-by with a free exhibition of what + I was going to call âMunchausenâs Grand Geyser + <a class="pagenum" id="page66" title="66"> </a>Cascade.â To do this properly I had set my eye upon + a fish pond not far from the town hall. It was a + very deep pond and about a mile in circumference, + I should say. Putty blowers were then selling at + five for a pfennig and powder was cheap as sand + owing to the fact that the powder makers, expecting + a war, had made a hundred times as much as + was needed, and as the war didnât come off, they + were willing to take almost anything they could + get for it. The consequence was that the powder + I got was sufficient in quantity to fill a rubber bag + as large as five sofa cushions. This I sank in the + middle of the pond, without telling anybody what I + intended to do, and through the putty blowers, sealed + tightly together end to end, I conducted a fuse, which + I made myself, from the powder bag to the shore. + My idea was that I could touch the thing off, you + know, and that about sixty square feet of the pond + would fly up into the air and then fall gracefully + back again like a huge fountain. If it had worked + as I expected everything would have been all right, + but it didnât. I had too much powder, for a second + <a class="pagenum" id="page67" title="67"> </a>after I had lit the fuse there came a muffled + roar and the whole pond in a solid mass, fish and + all, went flying up into the air and disappeared. + Everybody was astonished, not a few were very + much frightened. I was scared to death but I + never let on to any one that I was the person that + had blown the pond off. How high the pond went + I donât know, but I do know that for a week there + wasnât any sign of it, and then most unexpectedly + out of what appeared to be a clear sky there came + the most extraordinary rain-storm you ever saw. + It literally poured down for two days, and, what + I alone could understand, with it came trout and + sunfish and minnows, and most singular to all but + myself an old scow that was recognised as the property + of the owner of the pond suddenly appeared + in the sky falling toward the earth at a fearful + rate of speed. When I saw the scow coming I was + more frightened than ever because I was afraid it + might fall upon and kill some of our neighbours. + Fortunately, however, this possible disaster was + averted, for it came down directly over the sharp-pointed + <a class="pagenum" id="page68" title="68"> </a>lightning-rod on the tower of our public + library and stuck there like a piece of paper on a + file.</p> + + <div id="illo05" class="illo"> + <a href="images/illo05.jpg"><img src="images/illo05-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="414" alt="A crowd of people have fish raining on them." /></a> + <p class="caption">âOut of what appeared to be a clear sky + came the most extraordinary rain storm you + ever saw.â <span class="illo_ch">Chapter VI.</span></p> + </div> + + <p>âThe rain washed away several acres of finely + cultivated farms, but the losses on crops and fences + and so forth were largely reduced by the fish that + came with the storm. One farmer took a rake and + caught three hundred pounds of trout, forty pounds + of sun-fish, eight turtles, and a minnow in his potato + patch in five minutes. Others were almost as + fortunate, but the damage was sufficiently large to + teach me that parents cannot be too careful about + what they let their children do on the day they + celebrate.â</p> + + <p>âAnd werenât you ever punished?â asked the + Twins.</p> + + <p>âNo, indeed,â said the Baron. âNobody ever + knew that I did it because I never told them. In + fact you are the only two persons who ever heard + about it, and you mustnât tell, because there are + still a number of farmers around that region who + would sue me for damages in case they knew that I + was responsible for the accident.â</p> + + <!-- Original location of illo05 --> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page69" title="69"> </a>âThat was pretty awful,â said the Twins. âBut + we donât want to blow up ponds so as to get cascadeses, + but we do want torpeters. Torpeters arenât + any harm, are they, Uncle Munch?â</p> + + <p>âWell, you can never tell. It all depends on the + torpedo. Torpedoes are sometimes made carelessly,â + said the Baron. âThey ought to be made + as carefully as a druggist makes pills. So many + pebbles, so much paper, and so much saltpeter and + sulphur, or whatever else is used to make them go + off. I had a very unhappy time once with a carelessly + made torpedo. I had two boxes full. They + were those tin-foil torpedoes that little girls are so + fond of, and I expected they would make quite a + lot of noise, but the first ten I threw down didnât go + off at all. The eleventh for some reason or other, + I never knew exactly what, I hurled with all my + force against the side of my fatherâs barn, and my, + what a surprise it was! It smashed in the whole + side of the barn and sent seven bales of hay, and + our big farm plough bounding down the hillside + into the town. The hay-bales smashed down + fences; one of them hit a cow-shed on its way down, + <a class="pagenum" id="page70" title="70"> </a>knocked the back of it to smithereens and then proceeded + to demolish the rear end of a small crockery + shop that fronted on the main street. It struck the + crockery shop square in the middle of its back and + threw down fifteen dozen cups and saucers, thirty-two + water pitchers, and five china busts of Shakespeare. + The din was frightfulâbut I couldnât help + that. Nobody could blame me, because I had no + means of knowing that the man who made the torpedoes + was careless and had put a solid ball of + dynamite into one of them. So you see, my dear + Imps, that even torpedoes are not always safe.â</p> + + <p>âYes,â said Angelica. âI guess Iâll play with + my dolls on my birthday. They never goes off and + blows things up.â</p> + + <p>âThatâs very wise of you,â said the Baron.</p> + + <p>âBut what became of the plough, Uncle + Munch?â said Diavolo.</p> + + <p>âOh, the plough didnât do much damage,â replied + Mr. Munchausen. âIt simply furrowed its way + down the hill, across the main street, to the bowling + green. It ploughed up about one hundred feet of + <a class="pagenum" id="page71" title="71"> </a>this before it stopped, but nobody minded that much + because it was to have been ploughed and seeded + again anyhow within a few days. Of course the + furrow it made in crossing the road was bad, and + to make it worse the share caught one of the water + pipes that ran under the street, and ripped it in + two so that the water burst out and flooded the + street for a while, but one hundred and sixty thousand + dollars would have covered the damage.â</p> + + <p>The Twins were silent for a few moments and + then they asked:</p> + + <p>âWell, Uncle Munch, what kind of fire-works are + safe anyhow?â</p> + + <p>âMy experience has taught me that there are + only two kinds that are safe,â replied their old + friend. âOne is a Jack-o-lantern and the other is + a cigar, and as you are not old enough to have + cigars, if you will put on your hats and coats and + go down into the garden and get me two pumpkins, + Iâll make each of you a Jack-oâ-lantern. What do + you say?â</p> + + <p>âWe say yes,â said the Twins, and off they went, + <a class="pagenum" id="page72" title="72"> </a>while the Baron turning over in the hammock, and + arranging a pillow comfortably under his head, + went to sleep to dream of more birthday recollections + in case there should be a demand for them + later on.</p> + </div> + <div id="chapter_7" class="chapter"><a class="pagenum" id="page73" title="73"> </a> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="seven">VII</span><br />SAVED BY A MAGIC LANTERN</h2> + + <p class="first_paragraph"><span class="first_word">When</span> the Sunday dinner was over, the + Twins, on Mr. Munchausenâs invitation, + climbed into the old warriorâs lap, Angelica kissing + him on the ear, and Diavolo giving his nose an affectionate + tweak.</p> + + <p>âAh!â said the Baron. âThatâs it!â</p> + + <p>âWhatâs what, Uncle Munch?â demanded Diavolo.</p> + + <p>âWhy that,â returned the Baron. âI was wondering + what it was I needed to make my dinner an + unqualified success. There was something lacking, + but what it was, we have had so much, I could + not guess until you two Imps kissed me and + tweaked my nasal feature. Now I know, for + really a feeling of the most blessed contentment + has settled upon my soul.â</p> + + <p>âDonât you wish <em>you</em> had two youngsters like + us, Uncle Munch?â asked the Twins.</p> + + <p>âDo I wish I had? Why I have got two youngsters + <a class="pagenum" id="page74" title="74"> </a>like you,â the Baron replied. âIâve got âem + right here too.â</p> + + <p>âWhere?â asked the Twins, looking curiously + about them for the other two.</p> + + <p>âOn my knees, of course,â said he. âYou are + mine. Your papa gave you to meâand you are as + like yourselves as two peas in a pod.â</p> + + <p>âIâI hope you arenât going to take us away from + here,â said the Twins, a little ruefully. They were + very fond of the Baron, but they didnât exactly like + the idea of being given away.</p> + + <p>âOh noânot at all,â said the Baron. âYour + father has consented to keep you here for me and + your mother has kindly volunteered to look after + you. There is to be no change, except that you belong + to me, and, vice versa, I belong to you.â</p> + + <p>âAnd I suppose, then,â said Diavolo, âif you + belong to us youâve got to do pretty much what we + tell you to?â</p> + + <p>âExactly,â responded Mr. Munchausen. âIf + you should ask me to tell you a story Iâd have to + do it, even if you were to demand the full particulars + of how I spent Christmas with Mtulu, King + <a class="pagenum" id="page75" title="75"> </a>of the Taafe Eatars, on the upper Congo away + down in Africaâwhich is a tale I have never told + any one in all my life.â</p> + + <p>âIt sounds as if it might be interesting,â said + the Twins. âThose are real candy names, arenât + they?â</p> + + <p>âYes,â said the Baron. âTaafe sounds like + taffy and Mtulu is very suggestive of chewing gum. + Thatâs the curious thing about the savage tribes + of Africa. Their names often sound as if they + might be things to eat instead of people. Perhaps + that is why they sometimes eat each otherâthough, + of course, I wonât say for sure that that is the real + explanation of cannibalism.â</p> + + <p>âWhatâs cannon-ballism?â asked Angelica.</p> + + <p>âHe didnât say cannon-ballism,â said Diavolo, + scornfully. âIt was candy-ballism.â</p> + + <p>âWellâyouâve both come pretty near it,â said + the Baron, âand weâll let the matter rest there, or + I wonât have time to tell you how Christmas got + me into trouble with King Mtulu.â</p> + + <p>The Baron called for a cigar, which the Twins + lighted for him and then he began.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page76" title="76"> </a>âYou may not have heard,â he said, âthat some + twenty or thirty years ago I was in command of an + expedition in Africa. Our object was to find Lake + Majolica, which we hoped would turn up half way + between Lollokolela and the Clebungo Mountains. + Lollokolela was the furthermost point to which civilisation + had reached at that time, and was directly + in the pathway to the Clebungo Mountains, which + the natives said were full of gold and silver mines + and scattered all over which were reputed to be + caves in which diamonds and rubies and other gems + of the rarest sort were to be found in great profusion. + No white man had ever succeeded in + reaching this marvellously rich range of hills for + the reason that after leaving Lollokolela there was, + as far as was known, no means of obtaining water, + and countless adventurous spirits had had to give + up because of the overpowering thirst which the + climate brought upon them.</p> + + <p>âUnder such circumstances it was considered by + a company of gentlemen in London to be well worth + their while to set about the discovery of a lake, + which they decided in advance to call Majolica, for + <a class="pagenum" id="page77" title="77"> </a>reasons best known to themselves; they probably + wanted to jar somebody with it. And to me was + intrusted the mission of leading the expedition. I + will confess that I did not want to go for the + very good reason that I did not wish to be eaten + alive by the savage tribes that infested that region, + but the company provided me with a close fitting + suit of mail, which I wore from the time I started + until I returned. It was very fortunate for me + that I was so provided, for on three distinct occasions + I was served up for state dinners and each + time successfully resisted the carving knife and as + a result, was thereafter well received, all the chiefs + looking upon me as one who bore a charmed existence.â</p> + + <p>Here the Baron paused long enough for the + Twins to reflect upon and realise the terrors which + had beset him on his way to Lake Majolica, and + be it said that if they had thought him brave before + they now deemed him a very hero of heroes.</p> + + <p>âWhen I set out,â said the Baron, âI was accompanied + by ten Zanzibaris and a thousand tins + of condensed dinners.â</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page78" title="78"> </a>âA thousand what, Uncle Munch?â asked Jack, + his mouth watering.</p> + + <p>âCondensed dinners,â said the Baron, âI had a + lot of my favourite dinners condensed and put up + in tins. I didnât expect to be gone more than a + year and a thousand dinners condensed and tinned, + together with the food I expected to find on the + way, elephant meat, rhinoceros steaks, and tiger + chops, I thought would suffice for the trip. I could + eat the condensed dinners and my followers could + have the elephantâs meat, rhinoceros steaks, and + tiger chopsânot to mention the bananas and other + fruits which grow wild in the African jungle. It + was not long, however, before I made the discovery + that the Zanzibaris, in order to eat tigers, need + to learn first how to keep tigers from eating them. + We went to bed late one night on the fourth day + out from Lollokolela, and when we waked up the + next morning every motherâs son of us, save myself, + had been eaten by tigers, and again it was nothing + but my coat of mail that saved me. There were + eighteen tigersâ teeth sticking into the sleeve of + the coat, as it was. You can imagine my distress + <a class="pagenum" id="page79" title="79"> </a>at having to continue the search for Lake Majolica + alone. It was then that I acquired the habit of + talking to myself, which has kept me young ever + since, for I enjoy my own conversation hugely, + and find myself always a sympathetic listener. I + walked on for days and days, until finally, on + Christmas Eve, I reached King Mtuluâs palace. Of + course your idea of a palace is a magnificent five-story + building with beautiful carvings all over the + front of it, marble stair-cases and handsomely + painted and gilded ceilings. King Mtuluâs palace + was nothing of the sort, although for that region + it was quite magnificent, the walls being decorated + with elephantsâ tusks, crocodile teeth and many + other treasures such as delight the soul of the Central + African.</p> + + <p>âNow as I may not have told you, King Mtulu + was the fiercest of the African chiefs, and it is said + that up to the time when I outwitted him no white + man had ever encountered him and lived to tell the + tale. Consequently, when without knowing it on + this sultry Christmas Eve, laden with the luggage + and the tinned dinners and other things I had + <a class="pagenum" id="page80" title="80"> </a>brought with me I stumbled upon the blood-thirsty + monarch I gave myself up for lost.</p> + + <p>ââWho comes here to disturb the royal peace?â + cried Mtulu, savagely, as I crossed the threshold.</p> + + <p>ââIt is I, your highness,â I returned, my face + blanching, for I recognized him at once by the ivory + ring he wore in the end of his nose.</p> + + <p>ââWho is I?â retorted Mtulu, picking up his battle + axe and striding forward.</p> + + <p>âA happy thought struck me then. These folks + are superstitious. Perhaps the missionaries may + have told these uncivilised creatures the story of + Santa Claus. I will pretend that I am Santa + Claus. So I answered, âWho is I, O Mtulu, Bravest + of the Taafe Chiefs? I am Santa Claus, the Childrenâs + Friend, and bearer of gifts to and for all.â</p> + + <p>âMtulu gazed at me narrowly for a moment and + then he beat lightly upon a tom-tom at his side. + Immediately thirty of the most villainous-looking + natives, each armed with a club, appeared.</p> + + <p>ââArrest that man,â said Mtulu, âbefore he goes + any farther. He is an impostor.â</p> + + <p>ââIf your majesty pleases,â I began.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page81" title="81"> </a>ââSilence!â he cried, âI am fierce and I eat men, + but I love truth. The truthful man has nothing to + fear from me, for I have been converted from my + evil ways and since last New Yearâs day I have + eaten only those who have attempted to deceive me. + You will be served raw at dinner to-morrow night. + My respect for your record as a man of courage + leads me to spare you the torture of the frying-pan. + You are Baron Munchausen. I recognized + you the moment you turned pale. Another man + would have blushed.â</p> + + <p>âSo I was carried off and shut up in a mud + hovel, the interior walls of which were of white, + a fact which strangely enough, preserved my life + when later I came to the crucial moment. I had + brought with me, among other things, for my + amusement solely, a magic lantern. As a child, + I had always been particularly fond of pictures, + and when I thought of the lonely nights in Africa, + with no books at hand, no theatres, no cotillions to + enliven the monotony of my life, I resolved to take + with me my little magic-lantern as much for company + as for anything else. It was very compact in + <a class="pagenum" id="page82" title="82"> </a>form. It folded up to be hardly larger than a wallet + containing a thousand one dollar bills, and the + glass lenses of course could be carried easily in my + trousers pockets. The views, instead of being + mounted on glass, were put on a substance not unlike + glass, but thinner, called gelatine. All of these + things I carried in my vest pockets, and when + Mtulu confiscated my luggage the magic lantern + and views of course escaped his notice.</p> + + <p>âChristmas morning came and passed and I was + about to give myself up for lost, for Mtulu was not + a king to be kept from eating a man by anything + so small as a suit of mail, when I received word + that before dinner my captor and his suite were + going to pay me a formal parting call. Night was + coming on and as I sat despondently awaiting the + kingâs arrival, I suddenly bethought me of a lantern + slide of the British army, standing and awaiting + the command to fire, I happened to have with + me. It was a superb viewâlifelike as you please. + Why not throw that on the wall and when Mtulu + enters he will find me apparently with a strong + force at my command, thought I. It was no sooner <!-- Original location of illo06 --> + <a class="pagenum" id="page83" title="83"> </a>thought than it was done and my life was saved. + Hardly was that noble picture reflected upon the + rear wall of my prison when the door opened and + Mtulu, followed by his suite, appeared. I rose to + greet him, but apparently he saw me not. Mute + with terror he stood upon the threshold gazing at + that terrible line of soldiers ready as he thought to + sweep him and his men from the face of the earth + with their death-dealing bullets.</p> + + <div id="illo06" class="illo"> + <img src="images/illo06-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="410" alt="A man kneels to the Baron" /> + <p class="caption">ââI am your slave,â he replied to my greeting, + kneeling before me, âI yield all to you.ââ <span class="illo_ch">Chapter VII.</span></p> + </div> + + <p>ââI am your slave,â he replied to my greeting, + kneeling before me, âI yield all to you.â</p> + + <p>ââI thought you would,â said I. âBut I ask + nothing save the discovery of Lake Majolica. If + within twenty-four hours Lake Majolica is not discovered + I give the command to fire!â Then I + turned and gave the order to carry arms, and lo! + by a quick change of slides, the army appeared at + a carry. Mtulu gasped with terror, but accepted + my ultimatum. I was freed, Lake Majolica was + discovered before ten oâclock the next morning, and + at five oâclock I was on my way home, the British + army reposing quietly in my breast pocket. It was a + mighty narrow escape!â</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page84" title="84"> </a>âI should say so,â said the Twins. âBut Mtulu + must have been awful stupid not to see what it + was.â</p> + + <p>âDidnât he see through it when he saw you put + the army in your pocket?â asked Diavolo.</p> + + <p>âNo,â said the Baron, âthat frightened him + worse than ever, for you see he reasoned this way. + If I could carry an army in my pocket-book, what + was to prevent my carrying Mtulu himself and all + his tribe off in the same way! He thought I was + a marvellous man to be able to do that.â</p> + + <p>âWell, we guess he was right,â said the Twins, + as they climbed down from the Baronâs lap to find + an atlas and search the map of Africa for Lake + Majolica. This they failed to find and the Baronâs + explanation is unknown to me, for when the Imps + returned, the warrior had departed.</p> + </div> + <div id="chapter_8" class="chapter"><a class="pagenum" id="page85" title="85"> </a> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="eight">VIII</span><br />AN ADVENTURE IN THE DESERT</h2> + + <p class="first_paragraph">â<span class="first_word">The</span> editor has a sort of notion, Mr. Munchausen,â + said Ananias, as he settled down + in the big arm-chair before the fire in the Baronâs + library, âthat heâd like to have a story about a + giraffe. Public taste has a necky quality about it + of late.â</p> + + <p>âWhat do you say to that, Sapphira?â asked the + Baron, politely turning to Mrs. Ananias, who had + called with her husband. âAre you interested in + giraffes?â</p> + + <p>âI like lions better,â said Sapphira. âThey + roar louder and bite more fiercely.â</p> + + <p>âWell, suppose we compromise,â said the Baron, + âand have a story about a poodle dog. Poodle + dogs sometimes look like lions, and as a rule they + are as gentle as giraffes.â</p> + + <p>âI know a better scheme than that,â put in + Ananias. âTell us a story about a lion and a + giraffe, and if you feel disposed throw in a few + <a class="pagenum" id="page86" title="86"> </a>poodles for good measure. Iâm writing on space + this year.â</p> + + <p>âThatâs so,â said Sapphira, wearily. âI could + say it was a story about a lion and Ananias could + call it a giraffe story, and weâd each be right.â</p> + + <p>âVery well,â said the Baron, âit shall be a story + of each, only I must have a cigar before I begin. + Cigars help me to think, and the adventure I had + in the Desert of Sahara with a lion, a giraffe, and + a slippery elm tree was so long ago that I shall have + to do a great deal of thinking in order to recall it.â</p> + + <p>So the Baron went for a cigar, while Ananias + and Sapphira winked enviously at each other and + lamented their lost glory. In a minute the Baron + returned with the weed, and after lighting it, began + his story.</p> + + <p>âI was about twenty years old when this thing + happened to me,â said he. âI had gone to Africa + to investigate the sand in the Desert of Sahara for + a Sand Company in America. As you may already + have heard, sand is a very useful thing in a + great many ways, more particularly however in + the building trades. The Sand Company was + <a class="pagenum" id="page87" title="87"> </a>formed for the purpose of supplying sand to everybody + that wanted it, but land in America at that + time was so very expensive that there was very little + profit in the business. People who owned sand + banks and sand lots asked outrageous prices for + their property; and the sea-shore people were not + willing to part with any of theirs because they + needed it in their hotel business. The great attraction + of a seaside hotel is the sand on the beach, + and of course the proprietors werenât going to sell + that. They might better even sell their brass + bands. So the Sand Company thought it might be + well to build some steam-ships, load them with oysters, + or mowing machines, or historical novels, or + anything else that is produced in the United States, + and in demand elsewhere; send them to Egypt, sell + the oysters, or mowing machines, or historical novels, + and then have the ships fill up with sand from + the Sahara, which they could get for nothing, and + bring it back in ballast to the United States.â</p> + + <p>âIt must have cost a lot!â said Ananias.</p> + + <p>âNot at all,â returned the Baron. âThe profits + on the oysters and mowing machines and historical + <a class="pagenum" id="page88" title="88"> </a>novels were so large that all expenses both + ways were more than paid, so that when it was + delivered in America the sand had really cost + less than nothing. We could have thrown it all + overboard and still have a profit left. It was I + who suggested the idea to the President of the + Sand Companyâhis name was Bartlett, orâahâMulliganâor + some similar well-known American + name, I canât exactly recall it now. However, + Mr. Bartlett, or Mr. Mulligan, or whoever it was, + was very much pleased with the idea and asked + me if I wouldnât go to the Sahara, investigate the + quality of the sand, and report; and as I was temporarily + out of employment I accepted the commission. + Six weeks later I arrived in Cairo and set + out immediately on a tour of the desert. I went + alone because I preferred not to take any one into + my confidence, and besides one can always be more + independent when he has only his own wishes to + consult. I also went on foot, for the reason that + camels need a great deal of careâat least mine + would have, if Iâd had one, because I always like to + have my steeds well groomed whether there is any + <a class="pagenum" id="page89" title="89"> </a>one to see them or not. So to save myself trouble I + started off alone on foot. In twenty-four hours I + travelled over a hundred miles of the desert, and + the night of the second day found me resting in the + shade of a slippery elm tree in the middle of an + oasis, which after much suffering and anxiety I had + discovered. It was a beautiful moonlight night and + I was enjoying it hugely. There were no mosquitoes + or insects of any kind to interfere with my + comfort. No insects could have flown so far across + the sands. I have no doubt that many of them have + tried to get there, but up to the time of my arrival + none had succeeded, and I felt as happy as though + I were in Paradise.</p> + + <p>âAfter eating my supper and taking a draught + of the delicious spring water that purled up in the + middle of the oasis, I threw myself down under the + elm tree, and began to play my violin, without + which in those days I never went anywhere.â</p> + + <p>âI didnât know you played the violin,â said Sapphira. + âI thought your instrument was the tromboneâplenty + of blow and a mighty stretch.â</p> + + <p>âI donâtânow,â said the Baron, ignoring the + <a class="pagenum" id="page90" title="90"> </a>sarcasm. âI gave it up ten years agoâbut thatâs + a different story. How long I played that night + I donât know, but I do know that lulled by the delicious + strains of the music and soothed by the + soft sweetness of the atmosphere I soon dropped + off to sleep. Suddenly I was awakened by what + I thought to be the distant roar of thunder. + âHumph!â I said to myself. âThis is something + new. A thunder storm in the Desert of Sahara is + a thing I never expected to see, particularly on a + beautifully clear moonlight nightââfor the moon + was still shining like a great silver ball in the heavens, + and not a cloud was anywhere to be seen. + Then it occurred to me that perhaps I had been + dreaming, so I turned over to go to sleep again. + Hardly had I closed my eyes when a second ear-splitting + roar came bounding over the sands, and + I knew that it was no dream, but an actual sound + that I heard. I sprang to my feet and looked about + the horizon and there, a mere speck in the distance, + was somethingâfor the moment I thought + a cloud, but in another instant I changed my mind, + for glancing through my telescope I perceived it + <a class="pagenum" id="page91" title="91"> </a>was not a cloud but a huge lion with the glitter of + hunger in his eye. What I had mistaken for the + thunder was the roar of this savage beast. I seized + my gun and felt for my cartridge box only to discover + that I had lost my ammunition and was there + alone, unarmed, in the great desert, at the mercy + of that savage creature, who was drawing nearer + and nearer every minute and giving forth the most + fearful roars you ever heard. It was a terrible + moment and I was in despair.</p> + + <p>ââItâs all up with you, Baron,â I said to myself, + and then I caught sight of the tree. It seemed my + only chance. I must climb that. I tried, but alas! + As I have told you it was a slippery elm tree, and + I might as well have tried to climb a greased pole. + Despite my frantic efforts to get a grip upon the + trunk I could not climb more than two feet without + slipping back. It was impossible. Nothing + was left for me to do but to take to my legs, and + I took to them as well as I knew how. My, what + a run it was, and how hopeless. The beast was + gaining on me every second, and before me lay mile + after mile of desert. âBetter give up and treat the + <a class="pagenum" id="page92" title="92"> </a>beast to a breakfast, Baron,â I moaned to myself. + âWhen thereâs only one thing to do, you might as + well do it and be done with it. Your misery will be + over the more quickly if you stop right here.â As I + spoke these words, I slowed up a little, but the + frightful roaring of the lion unnerved me for an + instant, or rather nerved me on to a spurt, which + left the lion slightly more to the rearâand which + resulted in the saving of my life; for as I ran on, + what should I see about a mile ahead but another + slippery elm tree, and under it stood a giraffe who + had apparently fallen asleep while browsing among + its upper branches, and filling its stomach with its + cooling cocoanuts. The giraffe had its back to me, + and as I sped on I formed my plan. I would grab + hold of the giraffeâs tail; haul myself up onto his + back; climb up his neck into the tree, and then give + my benefactor a blow between the eyes which would + send him flying across the desert before the lion + could come along and get up into the tree the same + way I did. The agony of fear I went through as I + approached the long-necked creature was something + <a class="pagenum" id="page93" title="93"> </a>dreadful. Suppose the giraffe should be awakened + by the roaring of the lion before I got there + and should rush off himself to escape the fate that + awaited me? I nearly dropped, I was so nervous, + and the lion was now not more than a hundred + yards away. I could hear his breath as he came + panting on. I redoubled my speed; his pants came + closer, closer, until at length after what seemed a + year, I reached the giraffe, caught his tail, raised + myself up to his back, crawled along his neck and + dropped fainting into the tree just as the lion + sprang upon the giraffeâs back and came on toward + me. What happened then I donât know, for as I + have told you I swooned away; but I do know that + when I came to, the giraffe had disappeared and + the lion lay at the foot of the tree dead from a + broken neck.â</p> + + <div id="illo07" class="illo"> + <a href="images/illo07.jpg"><img src="images/illo07-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="416" alt="The Baron climbs a giraffe's neck" /></a> + <p class="caption">âI reached the giraffe, raised myself to his + back, crawled along his neck and dropped + fainting into the tree.â <span class="illo_ch">Chapter VIII.</span></p> + </div> + + <p>âA broken neck?â demanded Sapphira.</p> + + <p>âYes,â returned the Baron. âA broken neck! + From which I concluded that as the lion reached + the nape of the giraffeâs neck, the giraffe had + waked up and bent his head toward the earth, + <a class="pagenum" id="page94" title="94"> </a>thus causing the lion to fall head first to the ground + instead of landing as he had expected in the tree + with me.â</p> + + <p>âIt was wonderful,â said Sapphira, scornfully.</p> + + <p>âYes,â said Ananias, âbut I shouldnât think a + lion could break his neck falling off a giraffe. Perhaps + it was one of the slippery elm cocoanuts that + fell on him.â</p> + + <p>âWell, of course,â said the Baron, rising, âthat + would all depend upon the height of the giraffe. + Mine was the tallest one I ever saw.â</p> + + <p>âAbout how tall?â asked Ananias.</p> + + <p>âWell,â returned the Baron, thoughtfully, as if + calculating, âdid you ever see the Eiffel Tower?â</p> + + <p>âYes,â said Ananias.</p> + + <p>âWell,â observed the Baron, âI donât think my + giraffe was more than half as tall as that.â</p> + + <p>With which estimate the Baron bowed his guests + out of the room, and with a placid smile on his + face, shook hands with himself.</p> + + <p>âMr. and Mrs. Ananias are charming people,â + he chuckled, âbut amateurs bothâdeadly amateurs.â</p> + + <!-- Original location of illo07 --> + </div> + <div id="chapter_9" class="chapter"><a class="pagenum" id="page95" title="95"> </a> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="nine">IX</span><br />DECORATION DAY IN THE CANNIBAL ISLANDS</h2> + + <p class="first_paragraph">â<span class="first_word">Uncle Munch</span>,â said Diavolo as he clambered + up into the old warriorâs lap, âI + donât suppose you could tell us a story about Decoration + Day could you?â</p> + + <p>âI think I might try,â said Mr. Munchausen, + puffing thoughtfully upon his cigar and making a + ring with the smoke for Angelica to catch upon her + little thumb. âI might tryâbut it will all depend + upon whether you want me to tell you about Decoration + Day as it is celebrated in the United States, + or the way a band of missionaries I once knew in + the Cannibal Islands observed it for twenty years + or more.â</p> + + <p>âWhy canât we have both stories?â said Angelica. + âI think that would be the nicest way. + Two stories is twice as good as one.â</p> + + <p>âWell, I donât know,â returned Mr. Munchausen. + âYou see the trouble is that in the first instance + I could tell you only what a beautiful thing + it is that every year the people have a day set apart + <a class="pagenum" id="page96" title="96"> </a>upon which they especially honour the memory of + the noble fellows who lost their lives in defence of + their country. Iâm not much of a poet and it takes + a poet to be able to express how beautiful and + grand it all is, and so I should be afraid to try + it. Besides it might sadden your little hearts to + have me dwell upon the almost countless number + of heroes who let themselves be killed so that their + fellow-citizens might live in peace and happiness. + Iâd have to tell you about hundreds and hundreds + of graves scattered over the battle fields that no + one knows about, and which, because no one knows + of them, are not decorated at all, unless Nature + herself is kind enough to let a little dandelion or + a daisy patch into the secret, so that they may grow + on the green grass above these forgotten, unknown + heroes who left their homes, were shot down and + never heard of afterwards.â</p> + + <p>âDoes all heroes get killed?â asked Angelica.</p> + + <p>âNo,â said Mr. Munchausen. âI and a great + many others lived through the wars and are living + yet.â</p> + + <p>âWell, how about the missionaries?â said Diavolo. + <a class="pagenum" id="page97" title="97"> </a>âI didnât know they had Decoration Day in + the Cannibal Islands.â</p> + + <p>âI didnât either until I got there,â returned the + Baron. âBut they have and they have it in July + instead of May. It was one of the most curious + things I ever saw and the natives, the men who + used to be cannibals, like it so much that if the + missionaries were to forget it theyâd either remind + them of it or have a celebration of their own. I + donât know whether I ever told you about my first + experience with the cannibalsâdid I?â</p> + + <p>âI donât remember it, but if you had I would + have,â said Diavolo.</p> + + <p>âSo would I,â said Angelica. âI remember + most everything you say, except when I want you + to say it over again, and even then I havenât forgotten + it.â</p> + + <p>âWell, it happened this way,â said the Baron. + âIt was when I was nineteen years old. I sort of + thought at that time Iâd like to be a sailor, and as + my father believed in letting me try whatever I + wanted to do I took a position as first mate of a + steam brig that plied between San Francisco and + <a class="pagenum" id="page98" title="98"> </a>Nepaul, taking San Francisco canned tomatoes to + Nepaul and bringing Nepaul pepper back to San + Francisco, making several dollars both ways. Perhaps + I ought to explain to you that Nepaul pepper + is red, and hot; not as hot as a furnace fire, but + hot enough for your papa and myself when we + order oysters at a club and have them served so cold + that we think they need a little more warmth to + make them palatable and digestible. You are not + yet old enough to know the meaning of such words + as palatable and digestible, but some day you will + be and then youâll know what your Uncle means. + At any rate it was on the return voyage from + Nepaul that the water tank on the <em>Betsy S.</em> went + stale and we had to stop at the first place we + could to fill it up with fresh water. So we sailed + along until we came in sight of an Island and the + Captain appointed me and two sailors a committee + of three to go ashore and see if there was a spring + anywhere about. We went, and the first thing we + knew we were in the midst of a lot of howling, + hungry savages, who were crazy to eat us. My + companions were eaten, but when it came to my + <a class="pagenum" id="page99" title="99"> </a>turn I tried to reason with the chief. âNow + see here, my friend,â said I, âIâm perfectly willing + to be served up at your breakfast, if I + can only be convinced that you will enjoy eating + me. What I donât want is to have my life + wasted!â âThatâs reasonable enough,â said he. + âHave you got a sample of yourself along for me + to taste?â âI have,â I replied, taking out a bottle + of Nepaul pepper, that by rare good luck I happened + to have in my pocket. âThat is a portion of + my left foot powdered. It will give you some idea + of what I taste like,â I added. âIf you like that, + youâll like me. If you donât, you wonât.ââ</p> + + <p>âThat was fine,â said Diavolo. âYou told pretty + near the truth, too, Uncle Munch, because you are + hot stuff yourself, ainât you?â</p> + + <p>âI am so considered, my boy,â said Mr. Munchausen. + âThe chief took a teaspoonful of the pepper + down at a gulp, and let me go when he recovered. + He said he guessed I wasnât quite his style, + and he thought Iâd better depart before I set fire to + the town. So I filled up the water bag, got into the + row-boat, and started back to the ship, but the + <a class="pagenum" id="page100" title="100"> </a><em>Betsy S.</em> had gone and I was forced to row all the + way to San Francisco, one thousand, five hundred + and sixty-two miles distant. The captain and crew + had given us all up for lost. I covered the distance + in six weeks, living on water and Nepaul + pepper, and when I finally reached home, I told my + father that, after all, I was not so sure that I liked + a sailorâs life. But I never forgot those cannibals + or their island, as you may well imagine. They + and their home always interested me hugely and I + resolved if the fates ever drove me that way again, + I would go ashore and see how the people were getting + on. The fates, however, were a long time in + drawing me that way again, for it was not until + July, ten years ago that I reached there the second + time. I was off on a yachting trip, with an English + friend, when one afternoon we dropped anchor off + that Cannibal Island.</p> + + <p>ââLetâs go ashore,â said I. âWhat for?â said + my host; and then I told him the story and we went, + and it was well we did so, for it was then and there + that I discovered the new way the missionaries had + of celebrating Decoration Day.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page101" title="101"> </a>âNo sooner had we landed than we noticed that + the Island had become civilised. There were + churches, and instead of tents and mud-hovels, + beautiful residences appeared here and there, + through the trees. âI fancy this isnât the island,â + said my host. âThere arenât any cannibals about + here.â I was about to reply indignantly, for I was + afraid he was doubting the truth of my story, when + from the top of a hill, not far distant, we heard + strains of music. We went to see whence it came, + and what do you suppose we saw? Five hundred + villainous looking cannibals marching ten abreast + along a fine street, and, cheering them from the + balconies of the houses that fronted on the highway, + were the missionaries and their friends and their + children and their wives.</p> + + <p>ââThis canât be the place, after all,â said my + host again.</p> + + <p>ââYes it is,â said I, âonly it has been converted. + They must be celebrating some native festival.â + Then as I spoke the procession stopped and the + head missionary followed by a band of beautiful + girls, came down from a platform and placed garlands + <a class="pagenum" id="page102" title="102"> </a>of flowers and beautiful wreaths on the shoulders + and heads of those reformed cannibals. In + less than an hour every one of the huge black fellows + was covered with roses and pinks and fragrant + flowers of all kinds, and then they started on parade + again. It was a fine sight, but I couldnât understand + what it was all done for until that night, + when I dined with the head missionaryâand what + do you suppose it was?â</p> + + <p>âI give it up,â said Diavolo, âmaybe the missionaries + thought the cannibals didnât have enough + clothes on.â</p> + + <p>âI guess I canât guess,â said Angelica.</p> + + <p>âThey were celebrating Decoration Day,â said + Mr. Munchausen. âThey were strewing flowers on + the graves of departed missionaries.â</p> + + <div id="illo08" class="illo"> + <a href="images/illo08.jpg"><img src="images/illo08-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="412" alt="A man is putting a flower necklace on a 'savage'" /></a> + <p class="caption">âThey were celebrating Decoration Day ⊠+ strewing flowers on the graves of departed + missionaries.â <span class="illo_ch">Chapter IX.</span></p> + </div> + + <p>âYou didnât tell us about any graves,â said + Diavolo.</p> + + <p>âWhy certainly I did,â said the Baron. âThe + cannibals themselves were the only graves those + poor departed missionaries ever had. Every one of + those five hundred savages was the grave of a missionary, + my dears, and having been converted, and <!-- Original location of illo08 --> + <a class="pagenum" id="page103" title="103"> </a>taught that it was not good to eat their fellow-men, + they did all in their power afterwards to show their + repentance, keeping alive the memory of the men + they had treated so badly by decorating themselves + on memorial dayâand one old fellow, the savagest + looking, but now the kindest-hearted being in the + world, used always to wear about his neck a huge + sign, upon which he had painted in great black + letters:</p> + + <div id="fig01" class="fig"> + <img src="images/fig01.jpg" width="400" height="285" alt="" /> + <p class="offscreen">HERE LIES<br /> + JOHN THOMAS WILKINS,<br /> + SAILOR.<br /> + DEPARTED THIS LIFE, MAY 24TH, 1861.<br /> + HE WAS A MAN OF SPLENDID TASTE.</p> + </div> + + <p>âThe old cannibal had eaten Wilkins and later + when he had been converted and realised that he + himself was the grave of a worthy man, as an expiation + he devoted his life to the memory of John + <a class="pagenum" id="page104" title="104"> </a>Thomas Wilkins, and as a matter of fact, on the + Cannibal Island Decoration Day he would lie flat + on the floor all the day, groaning under the weight + of a hundred potted plants, which he placed upon + himself in memory of Wilkins.â</p> + + <p>Here Mr. Munchausen paused for breath, and + the twins went out into the garden to try to imagine + with the aid of a few practical experiments how a + cannibal would look with a hundred potted plants + adorning his person.</p> + </div> + <div id="chapter_10" class="chapter"><a class="pagenum" id="page105" title="105"> </a> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="ten">X</span><br />MR. MUNCHAUSENâS ADVENTURE WITH A SHARK</h2> + + <div id="fig02" class="fig"> + <img src="images/fig02.jpg" width="400" height="194" alt="" /> + <p class="offscreen">Mr. and Mrs. Henry B. Ananias.<br /> + <em>THURSDAYS.</em> <em>CIMMERIA.</em></p> + </div> + + <p class="first_paragraph"><span class="first_word">This</span> was the card sent by the reporter of the + <cite>Gehenna Gazette</cite>, and Mrs. Ananias to Mr. + Munchausen upon his return from a trip to mortal + realms concerning which many curious reports + have crept into circulation. Owing to a rumour + persistently circulated at one time, Mr. Munchausen + had been eaten by a shark, and it was with + the intention of learning, if possible, the basis for + the rumour that Ananias and Sapphira called upon + the redoubtable Baron of other days.</p> + + <p>Mr. Munchausen graciously received the callers + and asked what he could do for them.</p> + + <p>âOur readers, Mr. Munchausen,â explained Ananias, + <a class="pagenum" id="page106" title="106"> </a>âhave been much concerned over rumours of + your death at the hands of a shark.â</p> + + <p>âSharks have no hands,â said the Baron quietly.</p> + + <p>âWellâthat aside,â observed Ananias. âWere + you killed by a shark?â</p> + + <p>âNot that I recall,â said the Baron. âI may + have been, but I donât remember it. Indeed I recall + only one adventure with a shark. That grew out + of my mission on behalf of France to the Czar of + Russia. I carried letters once from the King of + France to his Imperial Coolness the Czar.â</p> + + <p>âWhat was the nature of the letters?â asked + Ananias.</p> + + <p>âI never knew,â replied the Baron. âAs I have + said, it was a secret mission, and the French Government + never took me into its confidence. The + only thing I know about it is that I was sent to St. + Petersburg, and I went, and in the course of time + I made myself much beloved of both the people and + his Majesty the Czar. I am the only person that + ever lived that was liked equally by both, and if I + had attached myself permanently to the Czar, Russia + would have been a different country to-day.â</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page107" title="107"> </a>âWhat country would it have been, Mr. Munchausen,â + asked Sapphira innocently, âGermany + or Siam?â</p> + + <p>âI canât specify, my dear madame,â the Baron + replied. âIt wouldnât be fair. But, at any rate, I + went to Russia, and was treated warmly by everybody, + except the climate, which was, as it is at all + times, very freezing. Thatâs the reason the Russian + people like the climate. It is the only thing the + Czar canât change by Imperial decree, and the + people admire its independence and endure it for + that reason. But as I have said, everybody was + pleased with me, and the Czar showed me unusual + attention. He gave fêtes in my honour. He gave + the most princely dinners, and I met the very best + people in St. Petersburg, and at one of these dinners + I was invited to join a yachting party on a + cruise around the world.</p> + + <p>âWell, of course, though a landsman in every + sense of the word, I am fond of yachting, and I + immediately accepted the invitation. The yacht + we went on was the Boomski Zboomah, belonging + to Princeâerânow what was that Princeâs name! + <a class="pagenum" id="page108" title="108"> </a>Something likeâerâSheeroff or Jibskiâorâerâwell, + never mind that. I meet so many princes it is + difficult to remember their names. Weâll say his + name was Jibski.â</p> + + <p>âSuppose we do,â said Ananias, with a jealous + grin. âJibski is such a remarkable name. It will + look well in print.â</p> + + <p>âAll right,â said the Baron, âJibski be it. The + yacht belonged to Prince Jibski, and she was a + beauty. There was a stateroom and a steward for + everybody on board, and nothing that could contribute + to a manâs comfort was left unattended to. We + set sail on the 23rd of August, and after cruising + about the North coast of Europe for a week or two, + we steered the craft south, and along about the + middle of September we reached the Amphibian + Islands, and anchored. It was here that I had my + first and last experience with sharks. If they had + been plain, ordinary sharks Iâd have had an easy + time of it, but when you get hold of these Amphibian + sharks you are likely to get yourself into + twenty-three different kinds of trouble.â</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page109" title="109"> </a>âMy!â said Sapphira. âAll those? Does the + number include being struck by lightning?â</p> + + <p>âYes,â the Baron answered, âAnd when you + remember that there are only twenty-four different + kinds altogether you can see what a peck of trouble + an Amphibian shark can get you into. I thought + my last hour had come when I met with him. You + see when we reached the Amphibian Islands, we + naturally thought weâd like to go ashore and pick + the cocoanuts and raisins and other things that + grow there, and when I got upon dry land again + I felt strongly tempted to go down upon the beautiful + little beach in the harbour and take a swim. + Prince Jibski advised me against it, but I was set + upon going. He told me the place was full of + sharks, but I wasnât afraid because I was always + a remarkably rapid swimmer, and I felt confident + of my ability, in case I saw a shark coming after + me, to swim ashore before he could possibly catch + me, provided I had ten yards start. So in I went + leaving my gun and clothing on the beach. Oh, it + was fun! The water was quite warm, and the + <a class="pagenum" id="page110" title="110"> </a>sandy bottom of the bay was deliciously soft and + pleasant to the feet. I suppose I must have + sported in the waves for ten or fifteen minutes + before the trouble came. I had just turned a somersault + in the water, when, as my head came to + the surface, I saw directly in front of me, the + unmistakable fin of a shark, and to my unspeakable + dismay not more than five feet away. As I told + you, if it had been ten yards away I should have + had no fear, but five feet meant another story altogether. + My heart fairly jumped into my mouth. It + would have sunk into my boots if I had had them on, + but I hadnât, so it leaped upward into my mouth as + I turned to swim ashore, by which time the shark + had reduced the distance between us by one foot. + I feared that all was up with me, and was trying + to think of an appropriate set of last words, when + Prince Jibski, noting my peril, fired one of the + yachtâs cannon in our direction. Ordinarily this + would have been useless, for the yachtâs cannon + was never loaded with anything but a blank charge, + but in this instance it was better than if it had been + loaded with ball and shot, for not only did the + <a class="pagenum" id="page111" title="111"> </a>sound of the explosion attract the attention of the + shark and cause him to pause for a moment, but + also the wadding from the gun dropped directly + upon my back, so showing that Prince Jibskiâs aim + was not as good as it might have been. Had the + cannon been loaded with a ball or a shell, you can + very well understand how it would have happened + that yours truly would have been killed then and + there.â</p> + + <p>âWe should have missed you,â said Ananias + sweetly.</p> + + <p>âThanks,â said the Baron. âBut to resume. + The sharkâs pause gave me the start I needed, and + the heat from the burning wadding right between + my shoulders caused me to redouble my efforts to + get away from the shark and it, so that I never + swam faster in my life, and was soon standing upon + the shore, jeering at my fearful pursuer, who, + strange to say, showed no inclination to stop the + chase now that I was, as I thought, safely out of + his reach. I didnât jeer very long I can tell you, for + in another minute I saw why the shark didnât stop + chasing me, and why Amphibian sharks are worse + <a class="pagenum" id="page112" title="112"> </a>than any other kind. That shark had not only fins + like all other sharks to swim with, but he had likewise + three pairs of legs that he could use on land + quite as well as he could use the fins in the water. + And then began the prettiest chase you ever saw in + your life. As he emerged from the water I grabbed + up my gun and ran. Round and round the island + we tore, I ahead, he thirty or forty yards behind, + until I got to a place where I could stop running + and take a hasty shot at him. Then I aimed, and + fired. My aim was good, but struck one of the + huge creatureâs teeth, broke it off short, and + bounded off to one side. This made him more angry + than ever, and he redoubled his efforts to catch me. + I redoubled mine, until I could get another shot at + him. The second shot, like the first, struck the + creature in the teeth, only this time it was more + effective. The bullet hit his jaw lengthwise, and + knocked every tooth on that side of his head down + his throat. So it went. I ran. He pursued. I + fired; he lost his teeth, until finally I had knocked + out every tooth he had, and then, of course, I + wasnât afraid of him, and let him come up with + <a class="pagenum" id="page113" title="113"> </a>me. With his teeth he could have ground me to + atoms at one bite. Without them he was as + powerless as a bowl of currant jelly, and when he + opened his huge jaws, as he supposed to bite me + in two, he was the most surprised looking fish you + ever saw on land or sea to discover that the effect + his jaws had upon my safety was about as great as + had they been nothing but two feather bed mattresses.â</p> + + <p>âYou must have been badly frightened, though,â + said Ananias.</p> + + <p>âNo,â said the Baron. âI laughed in the poor + disappointed thingâs face, and with a howl of despair, + he rushed back into the sea again. I made + the best time I could back to the yacht for fear he + might return with assistance.â</p> + + <div id="illo09" class="illo"> + <a href="images/illo09.jpg"><img src="images/illo09-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="415" alt="Baron taunts a disappointed shark-with-feet." /></a> + <p class="caption">âI laughed in the poor disappointed thingâs + face, and with a howl of despair he rushed + back into the sea.â <span class="illo_ch">Chapter X.</span></p> + </div> + + <p>âAnd didnât you ever see him again, Baron?â + asked Sapphira.</p> + + <p>âYes, but only from the deck of the yacht as + we were weighing anchor,â said Mr. Munchausen. + âI saw him and a dozen others like him doing precisely + what I thought they would do, going ashore + to search me out so as to have a little cold Munch + <a class="pagenum" id="page114" title="114"> </a>for dinner. Iâm glad they were disappointed, arenât + you?â</p> + + <p>âYes, indeed,â said Ananias and Sapphira, but + not warmly.</p> + + <p>Ananias was silent for a moment, and then walking + over to one of the bookcases, he returned in a + moment, bringing with him a huge atlas.</p> + + <p>âWhere are the Amphibian Islands, Mr. Munchausen?â + he said, opening the book. âShow them + to me on the map. Iâd like to print the map with + my story.â</p> + + <p>âOh, I canât do that,â said the Baron, âbecause + they arenât on the map any more. When I got back + to Europe and told the map-makers about the dangers + to man on those islands, they said that the + interests of humanity demanded that they be lost. + So they took them out of all the geographies, and + all the cyclopÊdias, and all the other books, so that + nobody ever again should be tempted to go there; + and there isnât a school-teacher or a sailor in the + world to-day who could tell you where they are.â</p> + + <p>âBut, you know, donât you?â persisted Ananias.</p> + + <p>âWell, I did,â said the Baron; âbut, really I <!-- original location of illo09 --> + <a class="pagenum" id="page115" title="115"> </a>have had to remember so many other things that I + have forgotten that. All that I know is that they + were named from the fact that they were infested + by Amphibious animals, which are animals that + can live on land as well as on water.â</p> + + <p>âHow strange!â said Sapphira.</p> + + <p>âItâs just too queer for anything,â said Ananias, + âbut on the whole Iâm not surprised.â</p> + + <p>And the Baron said he was glad to hear it.</p> + </div> + <div id="chapter_11" class="chapter"><a class="pagenum" id="page116" title="116"> </a> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="eleven">XI</span><br />THE BARON AS A RUNNER</h2> + <p class="first_paragraph"><span class="first_word">The</span> Twins had been on the lookout for the + Baron for at least an hour, and still he did + not come, and the little Imps were beginning to feel + blue over the prospect of getting the usual Sunday + afternoon story. It was past four oâclock, and + for as long a time as they could remember the + Baron had never failed to arrive by three oâclock. + All sorts of dreadful possibilities came up before + their mindâs eye. They pictured the Baron in accidents + of many sorts. They conjured up visions of + him lying wounded beneath the ruins of an apartment + house, or something else equally heavy that + might have fallen upon him on his way from his + rooms to the station, but that he was more than + wounded they did not believe, for they knew that + the Baron was not the sort of man to be killed by + anything killing under the sun.</p> + + <p>âI wonder where he can be?â said Angelica, + uneasily to her brother, who was waiting with + equal anxiety for their common friend.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page117" title="117"> </a>âOh, heâs all right!â said Diavolo, with a confidence + he did not really feel. âHeâll turn up all + right, and even if heâs two hours late heâll be here + on time according to his own watch. Just you + wait and see.â</p> + + <p>And they did wait and they did see. They waited + for ten minutes, when the Baron drove up, smiling + as ever, but apparently a little out of breath. I + should not dare to say that he was really out of + breath, but he certainly did seem to be so, for he + panted visibly, and for two or three minutes after + his arrival was quite unable to ask the Imps the + usual question as to their very good health. + Finally, however, the customary courtesies of the + greeting were exchanged, and the decks were + cleared for action.</p> + + <p>âWhat kept you, Uncle Munch?â asked the + Twins, as they took up their usual position on the + Baronâs knees.</p> + + <p>âWhat what?â replied the warrior. âKept me? + Why, am I late?â</p> + + <p>âTwo hours,â said the Twins. âDad gave you + up and went out for a walk.â</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page118" title="118"> </a>âNonsense,â said the Baron. âIâm never that + late.â</p> + + <p>Here he looked at his watch.</p> + + <p>âWhy I do seem to be behind time. There must + be something wrong with our time-pieces. I canât + be two hours late, you know.â</p> + + <p>âWell, letâs say you are on time, then,â said the + Twins. âWhat kept you?â</p> + + <p>âA very funny accident on the railroad,â said the + Baron lighting a cigar. âQueerest accident that + ever happened to me on the railroad, too. Our + engine ran away.â</p> + + <p>The Twins laughed as if they thought the Baron + was trying to fool them.</p> + + <p>âReally,â said the Baron. âI left town as usual + on the two oâclock train, which, as you know, comes + through in half an hour, without a stop. Everything + went along smoothly until we reached the + Vitriol Reservoir, when much to the surprise of + everybody the train came to a stand-still. I supposed + there was a cow on the track, and so kept + in my seat for three or four minutes as did every + one else. Finally the conductor came through and + <a class="pagenum" id="page119" title="119"> </a>called to the brakeman at the end of our car to see + if his brakes were all right.</p> + + <p>ââItâs the most unaccountable thing,â he said to + me. âHereâs this train come to a dead stop and I + canât see why. There isnât a brake out of order on + any one of the cars, and there isnât any earthly reason + why we shouldnât go ahead.â</p> + + <p>ââMaybe somebodyâs upset a bottle of glue on + the track,â said I. I always like to chaff the conductor, + you know, though as far as that is concerned, + I remember once when I was travelling on a South + American Railway our train was stopped by highwaymen, + who smeared the tracks with a peculiar + sort of gum. Theyâd spread it over three miles of + track, and after the train had gone lightly over two + miles of it the wheels stuck so fast ten engines + couldnât have moved it. That was a terrible affair.â</p> + + <p>âI donât think we ever heard of that, did we?â + asked Angelica.</p> + + <p>âI donât remember it,â said Diavolo.</p> + + <p>âWell, you would have remembered it, if you had + ever heard of it,â said the Baron. âIt was too + dreadful to be forgottenânot for us, you know, + <a class="pagenum" id="page120" title="120"> </a>but for the robbers. It was one of the Imperial + trains in Brazil, and if it hadnât been for me the + Emperor would have been carried off and held for + ransom. The train was brought to a stand-still by + this gluey stuff, as I have told you, and the desperadoes + boarded the cars and proceeded to rifle us of + our possessions. The Emperor was in the car back + of mine, and the robbers made directly for him, + but fathoming their intention I followed close upon + their heels.</p> + + <p>ââYou are our game,â said the chief robber, tapping + the Emperor on the shoulder, as he entered + the Imperial car.</p> + + <p>ââHands off,â I cried throwing the ruffian to one + side.</p> + + <p>âHe scowled dreadfully at me, the Emperor + looked surprised, and another one of the robbers + requested to know who was I that I should speak + with so much authority. âWho am I?â said I, with + a wink at the Emperor. âWho am I? Who else + but Baron Munchausen of the Bodenwerder + National Guard, ex-friend of Napoleon of France, + intimate of the Mikado of Japan, and famed the + <a class="pagenum" id="page121" title="121"> </a>world over as the deadliest shot in two hemispheres.â</p> + + <p>âThe desperadoes paled visibly as I spoke, and + after making due apologies for interfering with the + train, fled shrieking from the car. They had heard + of me before.</p> + + <p>ââI thank you, sir,â began the Emperor, as the + would-be assassins fled, but I cut him short. âThey + must not be allowed to escape,â I said, and with that + I started in pursuit of the desperate fellows, overtook + them, and glued them with the gum they had + prepared for our detention to the face of a precipice + that rose abruptly from the side of the railway, + one hundred and ten feet above the level. There I + left them. We melted the glue from the tracks + by means of our steam heating apparatus, and were + soon booming merrily on our way to Rio Janeiro + when I was fêted and dined continuously for weeks + by the people, though strange to say the Emperorâs + behaviour toward me was very cool.â</p> + + <p>âAnd did the robbers ever get down?â asked the + Twins.</p> + + <p>âYes, but not in a way they liked,â Mr. Munchausen + <a class="pagenum" id="page122" title="122"> </a>replied. âThe sun came out, and after a + week or two melted the glue that held them to the + precipice, whereupon they fell to its base and were + shattered into pieces so small there wasnât an atom + of them to be found when a month later I passed + that way again on my return trip.â</p> + + <p>âAnd didnât the Emperor treat you well, Uncle + Munch?â asked the Imps.</p> + + <p>âNoâas I told you he was very cool towards + me, and I couldnât understand it, then, but I do + now,â said the Baron. âYou see he was very much + in need of ready cash, the Emperor was, and as the + taxpayers were already growling about the expenses + of the Government he didnât dare raise the + money by means of a tax. So he arranged with the + desperadoes to stop the train, capture him, and + hold him for ransom. Then when the ransom came + along he was going to divide up with them. My + sudden appearance, coupled with my determination + to rescue him, spoiled his plan, you see, and so he + naturally wasnât very grateful. Poor fellow, I was + very sorry for it afterward, because he really was + an excellent ruler, and his plan of raising the + <a class="pagenum" id="page123" title="123"> </a>money he needed wasnât a bit less honest than most + other ways rulers employ to obtain revenue for + State purposes.â</p> + + <p>âWell, now, letâs get back to the runaway engine,â + said the Twins. âYou can tell us more + about South America after you get through with + that. How did the engine come to run away?â</p> + + <p>âIt was simple enough,â said the Baron. âThe + engineer, after starting the train came back into the + smoking car to get a light for his pipe, and while he + was there the coupling-pin between the engine and + the train broke, and off skipped the engine twice as + fast as it had been going before. The relief from the + weight of the train set its pace to a mile a minute + instead of a mile in two minutes, and there we were + at a dead stop in front of the Vitriol Station with + nothing to move us along. When the engineer saw + what had happened he fainted dead away, because + you know if a collision had occurred between the + runaway engine and the train ahead he would have + been held responsible.â</p> + + <p>âCouldnât the fireman stop the engine?â asked + the Twins.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page124" title="124"> </a>âNo. That is, it wouldnât be his place to do it, + and these railway fellows are queer about that + sort of thing,â said the Baron. âThe engineers + would go out upon a strike if the railroad were to + permit a stoker to manage the engine, and besides + that the stoker wouldnât undertake to do it at a + stokerâs wages, so there wasnât any help to be + looked for there. The conductor happened to be + nearsighted, and so he didnât find out that the engine + was missing until he had wasted ten or twenty + minutes examining the brakes, by which time, of + course, the runaway was miles and miles up the + track. Then the engineer came to, and began to + wring his hands and moan in a way that was heart-rending. + The conductor, too, began to cry, and all + the brakemen left the train and took to the woods. + They werenât going to have any of the responsibility + for the accident placed on their shoulders. Whether + they will ever turn up again I donât know. But I + realised as soon as anybody else that something + had to be done, so I rushed into the telegraph office + and telegraphed to all the station masters between + the Vitriol Reservoir and Cimmeria to clear the + <a class="pagenum" id="page125" title="125"> </a>track of all trains, freight, local, or express, or + somebody would be hurt, and that I myself would + undertake to capture the runaway engine. This + they all promised to do, whereupon I bade good-bye + to my fellow-travellers, and set off up the track + myself at full speed. In a minute I strode past + Sulphur Springs, covering at least eight ties at a + stretch. In two minutes I thundered past Lava + Hurst, where I learned that the engine had twenty + miles start of me. I made a rapid calculation mentallyâI + always was strong in mental arithmetic, + which showed that unless I was tripped up or got + side-tracked somewhere I might overtake the runaway + before it reached Noxmere. Redoubling my + efforts, my stride increased to twenty ties at a + jump, and I made the next five miles in two minutes. + It sounds impossible, but really it isnât so. + It is hard to run as fast as that at the start, but + when you have got your start the impetus gathered + in the first mileâs run sends you along faster in the + second, and so your speed increases by its own force + until finally you go like the wind. At Gasdale I + had gained two miles on the engine, at Sneakskill + <a class="pagenum" id="page126" title="126"> </a>I was only fifteen miles behind, and upon my arrival + at Noxmere there was scarcely a mile between + me and the fugitive. Unfortunately a large crowd + had gathered at Noxmere to see me pass through, + and some small boy had brought a dog along with + him and the dog stood directly in my path. If I + ran over the dog it would kill him and might trip + me up. If I jumped with the impetus I had there + was no telling where I would land. It was a hard + point to decide either way, but I decided in favour + of the jump, simply to save the dogâs life, for I love + animals. I landed three miles up the road and + ahead of the engine, though I didnât know that + until I had run ten miles farther on, leaving the + engine a hundred yards behind me at every stride. + It was at Miasmatica that I discovered my error + and then I tried to stop. It was almost in vain; + I dragged my feet over the ties, but could only slow + down to a three-minute gait. Then I tried to turn + around and slow up running backward; this + brought my speed down ten minutes to the mile, + which made it safe for me to run into a hay-stack + at the side of the railroad just this side of Cimmeria. <!-- Original location of illo10 --> + <a class="pagenum" id="page127" title="127"> </a>Then, of course, I was all right. I could sit down + and wait for the engine, which came booming along + forty minutes later. As it approached I prepared + to board it, and in five minutes was in full control. + That made it easy enough for me to get back here + without further trouble. I simply reversed the + lever, and back we came faster than I can describe, + and just one hour and a half from the time of the + mishap the runaway engine was restored to its + deserted train and I reached your station here in + good order. I should have walked up, but for my + weariness after that exciting run, which as you see + left me very much out of breath, and which made it + necessary for me to hire that worn-out old hack + instead of walking up as is my wont.â</p> + + <div id="illo10" class="illo"> + <a href="images/illo10.jpg"><img src="images/illo10-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="418" alt="Baron barrels into a haystack" /></a> + <p class="caption">âThis brought my speed down ten minutes + to the mile, which made it safe for me to run + into a haystack.â <span class="illo_ch">Chapter XI.</span></p> + </div> + + <p>âYes, we see you are out of breath,â said the + Twins, as the Baron paused. âWould you like to + lie down and take a rest?â</p> + + <p>âAbove all things,â said the Baron. âIâll take + a nap here until your father returns,â which he proceeded + at once to do.</p> + + <p>While he slept the two Imps gazed at him curiously, + Angelica, a little suspiciously.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page128" title="128"> </a>âBub,â said she, in a whisper, âdo you think + that was a true story?â</p> + + <p>âWell, I donât know,â said Diavolo. âIf anybody + else than Uncle Munch had told it, I wouldnât + have believed it. But he hates untruth. I know + because he told me so.â</p> + + <p>âThatâs the way I feel about it,â said Angelica. + âOf course, he can run as fast as that, because he + is very strong, but what I canât see is how an engine + ever could run away from its train.â</p> + + <p>âThatâs what stumps me,â said Diavolo.</p> + </div> + <div id="chapter_12" class="chapter"><a class="pagenum" id="page129" title="129"> </a> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="twelve">XII</span><br /> + MR. MUNCHAUSEN MEETS HIS MATCH</h2> + + <p class="editor_note">(Reported by Henry W. Ananias for the <cite>Gehenna Gazette</cite>.)</p> + + <p class="first_paragraph"><span class="first_word">When</span> Mr. Munchausen, accompanied by Ananias + and Sapphira, after a long and + tedious journey from Cimmeria to the cool and + wooded heights of the Blue Sulphur Mountains, + entered the portals of the hotel where the greater + part of his summers are spent, the first person to + greet him was Beelzebub Sandboy,âthe curly-headed + Imp who acted as âHead Frontâ of the + Blue Sulphur Mountain House, his eyes a-twinkle + and his swift running feet as ever ready for a trip + to any part of the hostelry and back. Beelzy, as + the Imp was familiarly known, as the party entered, + was in the act of carrying a half-dozen pitchers + of iced-water upstairs to supply thirsty guests + with the one thing needful and best to quench that + thirst, and in his excitement at catching sight once + again of his ancient friend the Baron, managed to + drop two of the pitchers with a loud crash upon + the office floor. This, however, was not noticed by + <a class="pagenum" id="page130" title="130"> </a>the powers that ruled. Beelzy was not perfect, + and as long as he smashed less than six pitchers a + day on an average the management was disposed + not to complain.</p> + + <p>âThere goes my friend Beelzy,â said the Baron, + as the pitchers fell. âI am delighted to see him. I + was afraid he would not be here this year since I + understand he has taken up the study of theology.â</p> + + <p>âTheology?â cried Ananias. âIn Hades?â</p> + + <p>âHow foolish,â said Sapphira. âWe donât need + preachers here.â</p> + + <p>âHeâd make an excellent one,â said Mr. Munchausen. + âHe is a lad of wide experience and his + fish and bear stories are wonderful. If he can make + them gee, as he would put it, with his doctrines he + would prove a tremendous success. Thousands + would flock to hear him for his bear stories alone. + As for the foolishness of his choice, I think it is a + very wise one. Everybody canât be a stoker, you + know.â</p> + + <p>At any rate, whatever the reasons for Beelzebubâs + presence, whether he had given up the study of + theology or not, there he was plying his old vocation + <a class="pagenum" id="page131" title="131"> </a>with the same perfection of carelessness as of + yore, and apparently no farther along in the study + of theology than he was the year before when he + bade Mr. Munchausen âgood-bye foreverâ with + the statement that now that he was going to lead + a pious life the chances were heâd never meet his + friend again.</p> + + <p>âI donât see why they keep such a careless boy as + that,â said Sapphira, as Beelzy at the first landing + turned to grin at Mr. Munchausen, emptying the + contents of one of his pitchers into the lap of a + nervous old gentleman in the office below.</p> + + <p>âHe adds an element of excitement to a not + over-exciting place,â explained Mr. Munchausen. + âOn stormy days here the men make bets on what + fool thing Beelzy will do next. He blacked all the + russet shoes with stove polish one year, and last season + in the rush of his daily labours he filled up the + water-cooler with soft coal instead of ice. Heâs a + great bell-boy, is my friend Beelzy.â</p> + + <p>A little while later when Mr. Munchausen and + his party had been shown to their suite, Beelzy + appeared in their drawing-room and was warmly + <a class="pagenum" id="page132" title="132"> </a>greeted by Mr. Munchausen, who introduced him to + Mr. and Mrs. Ananias.</p> + + <p>âWell,â said Mr. Munchausen, âyouâre here + again, are you?â</p> + + <p>âNo, indeed,â said Beelzy. âI ainât here this + year. Iâm over at the Coal-Yards shovellinâ snow. + Iâm my twin brother that died three years before I + was born.â</p> + + <p>âHow interesting,â said Sapphira, looking at + the boy through her lorgnette.</p> + + <p>Beelzy bowed in response to the compliment and + observed to the Baron:</p> + + <p>âYou ainât here yourself this season, be ye?â</p> + + <p>âNo,â said Mr. Munchausen, drily. âIâve gone + abroad. Youâve given up theology I presume?â</p> + + <p>âSorter,â said Beelzy. âIt was lonesome business + and I hadnât been at it moreân twenty minutes + when I realised that beinâ a missionary ainât all + jam and buckwheats. Itâs kind oâ dangerous too, + and as I didnât exactly relish the idea oâ beinâ et up + by Samoans anâ Feejees I made up my mind to give + it up anâ stick to bell-boyinâ for another season any + how; but Iâll see you later, Mr. Munchausen. Iâve + <a class="pagenum" id="page133" title="133"> </a>got to hurry along with this iced-water. Itâs overdue + now, and weâve got the kickinest lot oâ folks + here this year you ever see. One man here the other + night got as mad as hookey because it took forty + minutes to soft bile an egg. Said two minutes was + all that was necessary to bile an egg softerân mush, + not understanding anything about the science of + eggs in a country where hens feeds on pebbles.â</p> + + <p>âPebbles?â cried Mr. Munchausen. âWhat, do + they lay Rocâs eggs?â</p> + + <p>Beelzy grinned.</p> + + <p>âNo, sirâthey lay henâs eggs all right, but + theyâre as hard as Adamâs aunt.â</p> + + <p>âI never heard of chickens eating pebbles,â + observed Sapphira with a frown. âDo they really + relish them?â</p> + + <p>âI donât know, Maâam,â said Beelzy. âI ainât + never been on speakinâ terms with the hens, Maâam, + and they never volunteered no information. They + eat âem just the same. Theyâve got to eat something + and up here on these mountains there ainât + anything but gravel for âem to eat. Thatâs why + they do it. Then when it comes to the eggs, on a + <a class="pagenum" id="page134" title="134"> </a>diet like that, cobblestones ainât in it with âem for + hardness, and when you come to bite âem it takes + a week to get âem soft, anâ a steam drill to get âem + openâanâ this feller kicked at forty minutes! Most + likely heâs swearinâ around upstairs now because + this iced-water ainât came; and it ainât more than + two hours since he ordered it neither.â</p> + + <p>âWhat an unreasonable gentleman,â said Sapphira.</p> + + <p>âAinât he though!â said Beelzy. âAnd he ainât + over liberal neither. Heâs been here two weeks now + and all the money Iâve got out of him was a five-dollar + bill I found on his bureau yesterday morning. + Thereâs more money in theology than there is + in him.â</p> + + <p>With this Beelzebub grabbed up the pitcher of + water, and bounded out of the room like a frightened + fawn. He disappeared into the dark of the + corridor, and a few moments later was evidently + tumbling head over heels up stairs, if the sounds + that greeted the ears of the party in the drawing-room + meant anything.</p> + + <p>The next morning when there was more leisure + <a class="pagenum" id="page135" title="135"> </a>for Beelzy the Baron inquired as to the state of his + health.</p> + + <p>âOh itâs been pretty good,â said he. âPretty + good. Iâm all right now, barrinâ a little gout in my + right foot, and ice-water on my knee, anâ a crick in + my back, anâ a tired feelinâ all over me generally. + Ainât had much to complain about. Had the measles + in December, and the mumps in February; anâ + along about the middle oâ May the whoopinâ cough + got a holt of me; but as it saved my life I oughtnât + to kick about that.â</p> + + <p>Here Beelzy looked gratefully at an invisible + somethingâdoubtless the recollection in the thin + air of his departed case of whooping cough, for having + rescued him from an untimely grave.</p> + + <p>âThat is rather curious, isnât it?â queried Sapphira, + gazing intently into the boyâs eyes. âI donât + exactly understand how the whooping cough could + save anybodyâs life, do you, Mr. Munchausen?â</p> + + <p>âBeelzy, this lady would have you explain the + situation, and I must confess that I am myself + somewhat curious to learn the details of this wonderful + rescue,â said Mr. Munchausen.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page136" title="136"> </a>âWell, I must say,â said Beelzy, with a pleased + smile at the very great consequence of his exploit in + the ladyâs eyes, âif I was a-goinâ to start out to save + peopleâs lives generally I wouldnât have thought + a case oâ whoopinâ cough would be of much use + savinâ a man from drowninâ, and Iâm sure if a feller + fell out of a balloon it wouldnât help him much if + he had ninety dozen cases oâ whoopinâ cough concealed + on his person; but for just so long as Iâm + the feller that has to come up here every June, anâ + shoo the bears out oâ the hotel, I ainât never goinâ + to be without a spell of whoopinâ cough along about + that time if I can help it. I wouldnât have been + here now if it hadnât been for it.â</p> + + <p>âYou referred just now,â said Sapphira, âto + shooing bears out of the hotel. May I inquire what + useful function in the ménage of a hotel a bear-shooer + performs?â</p> + + <p>âWhat useful what?â asked Beelzy.</p> + + <p>âFunctionâdutyâwhat does the duty of a bear-shooer + consist in?â explained Mr. Munchausen. + âIs he a blacksmith who shoes bears instead of + horses?â</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page137" title="137"> </a>âHeâs a bear-chaser,â explained Beelzy, âand + Iâm it,â he added. âThat, Maâam, is the function + of a bear-shooer in the menagerie of a hotel.â</p> + + <p>Sapphira having expressed herself as satisfied, + Beelzebub continued.</p> + + <p>âYou see this here house is shut up all winter, + and when everybodyâs gone and left it empty the + bears come down out of the mountains and use it + instead of a cave. Itâs more cosier and less + windier than their dens. So when the last guest + has gone, and all the doors are locked, and the band + gone into winter quarters, down come the bears + and take possession. They generally climb through + some open window somewhere. They divide up all + the best rooms accordinâ to their position in bear + society and settle down to a regular hotel life + among themselves.â</p> + + <p>âBut what do they feed upon?â asked Sapphira.</p> + + <p>âOh theyâll eat anything when theyâre hungry,â + said Beelzy. âSofa cushions, parlor rugs, hotel + registersâanything they can fasten their teeth to. + Last year they came in through the cupola, burrowinâ + <a class="pagenum" id="page138" title="138"> </a>down through the snow to get at it, and there + they stayed enjoyinâ life out oâ reach oâ the wind + and storm, snugâs bugs in rugs. Year before last + there must haâ been a hundred of âem in the hotel + when I got here, but one by one I got rid of âem. + Some I smoked out with some cigars Mr. Munchausen + gave me the summer before; some I + deceived out, gettinâ âem to chase me through the + winders, anâ then doublinâ back on my tracks anâ + lockinâ âem out. It was mighty wearinâ work.</p> + + <p>âLast June there was twice as many. By actual + tab I shooed two hundred and eight bears and a + panther off into the mountains. When the last one + as I thought disappeared into the woods I searched + the house from top to bottom to see if there was + any more to be got rid of. Every blessed one of + the five hundred rooms I went through, and not a + bear was left that I could see. I can tell you, I + was glad, because there was a partickerly ugly run + of âem this year, anâ they gave me a pile oâ trouble. + They hadnât found much to eat in the hotel, anâ + they was disappointed and cross. As a matter of + <a class="pagenum" id="page139" title="139"> </a>fact, the only things they found in the place they + could eat was a piano stool and an old hair trunk + full oâ paper-covered novels, which donât make a + very hearty meal for two hundred and eight bears + and a panther.â</p> + + <p>âI should say not,â said Sapphira, âparticularly + if the novels were as light as most of them are + nowadays.â</p> + + <p>âI canât say as to that,â said Beelzy. âI ainât + got time to read âem and so I ainât any judge. But + all this time I was sufferinâ like hookey with awful + spasms of whoopinâ cough. I whooped so hard + once it smashed one oâ the best echoes in the place + all to flinders, anâ of course that made the work + twice as harder. So, naturally, when I found there + warnât another bear left in the hotel, I just threw + myself down anywhere, and slept. My! how I + slept. I donât suppose anything ever slept sounderân + I did. And then it happened.â</p> + + <p>Beelzy gave his trousers a hitch and let his voice + drop to a stage whisper that lent a wondrous + impressiveness to his narration.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page140" title="140"> </a>âAs I was a-layinâ there unconscious, dreaminâ + of home and father, a great big black hungry bruin + weighinâ six hundred and forty-three pounds, that + had been hidinâ in the bread oven in the bakery, + where I hadnât thought of lookinâ for him, came + saunterinâ along, humminâ a little tune all by himself, + and lickinâ his chops with delight at the idee + of havinâ me raw for his dinner. I lay on unconscious + of my danger, until he got right up close, anâ + then I waked up, anâ openinâ my eyes saw this great + black savage thing gloatinâ over me anâ tears of + joy runninâ out of his mouth as he thought of the + choice meal he was about to have. He was sniffinâ + my bang when I first caught sight of him.â</p> + + <p>âMercy!â cried Sapphira, âI should think + youâd have died of fright.â</p> + + <div id="illo11" class="illo"> + <a href="images/illo11.jpg"><img src="images/illo11-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="413" alt="A bear jumps as a boy screams." /></a> + <p class="caption">âAt the first whoop Mr. Bear jumped ten + feet and fell over backwards on the floor.â <span class="illo_ch">Chapter XII.</span></p> + </div> + + <p>âI did,â said Beelzy, politely, âbut I came to life + again in a minute. âOh Lor!â says I, as I see how + hungry he was. âThis hereâs the end oâ me;â at + which the bear looked me straight in the eye, licked + his chops again, and was about to take a nibble off + my right ear when âWhoop!â I had a spasm of <!-- Original location of illo11 --> + <a class="pagenum" id="page141" title="141"> </a>whoopinâ. Well, Maâam, I guess you know what + that means. There ainât nothinâ more uncanny, + more terrifyinâ in the whole run oâ human noises, + barrinâ a German Opery, than the whoop oâ the + whoopinâ cough. At the first whoop Mr. Bear + jumped ten feet and fell over backwards onto the + floor; at the second he scrambled to his feet and + put for the door, but stopped and looked around + hopinâ he was mistaken, when I whooped a third + time. The third did the business. That third + whoop would have scared Indians. It was awful. + It was like a tornado blowinâ through a fog-horn + with a megaphone in front of it. When he heard + that, Mr. Bear turned on all four of his heels and + started on a scoot up into the woods that must have + carried him ten miles before I quit coughinâ.</p> + + <p>âAnâ thatâs why, Maâam, I say that when youâve + got to shoo bears for a livinâ, an attack oâ whoopinâ + cough is a useful thing to have around.â</p> + + <p>Saying which, Beelzy departed to find Number + 433âs left boot which he had left at Number 334âs + door by some odd mistake.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page142" title="142"> </a>âWhat do you think of that, Mr. Munchausen?â + asked Sapphira, as Beelzy left the room.</p> + + <p>âI donât know,â said Mr. Munchausen, with a + sigh. âIâm inclined to think that I am a trifle + envious of him. The rest of us are not in his + class.â</p> + </div> + <div id="chapter_13" class="chapter"><a class="pagenum" id="page143" title="143"> </a> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="thirteen">XIII</span><br /> + WRIGGLETTO</h2> + + <p class="first_paragraph"><span class="first_word">It</span> was in the afternoon of a beautiful summer + day, and Mr. Munchausen had come up from + the simmering city of Cimmeria to spend a day or + two with Diavolo and Angelica and their venerable + parents. They had all had dinner, and were now + out on the back piazza overlooking the magnificent + river Styx, which flowed from the mountains to the + sea, condescending on its way thither to look in + upon countless insignificant towns which had + grown up on its banks, among which was the one in + which Diavolo and Angelica had been born and + lived all their lives. Mr. Munchausen was lying + comfortably in a hammock, collecting his thoughts.</p> + + <p>Angelica was somewhat depressed, but Diavolo + was jubilant and all because in the course of a walk + they had had that morning Diavolo had killed a + snake.</p> + + <p>âIt was fine sport,â said Diavolo. âHe was + lying there in the sun, and I took a stick and put + him out of his misery in two minutes.â</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page144" title="144"> </a>Here Diavolo illustrated the process by whacking + the Baron over his waist-coat with a small + malacca stick he carried.</p> + + <p>âWell, I didnât like it,â said Angelica. âI donât + care for snakes, but somehow or other it seems to + me weâd ought to have left him alone. He wasnât + hurting anybody off there. If heâd come walking + on our place, that would have been one thing, but + we went walking where he was, and he had as much + right to take a sun-bath there as we had.â</p> + + <p>âThatâs true enough,â put in Mr. Munchausen, + resolved after Diavoloâs whack, to side against him. + âYouâve just about hit it, Angelica. It wasnât + polite of you in the first place, to disturb his snakeship + in his nap, and having done so, I canât see why + Diavolo wanted to kill him.â</p> + + <p>âOh, pshaw!â said Diavolo, airily. âWhatâs + snakes good for except to kill? Iâll kill âem every + chance I get. They arenât any good.â</p> + + <p>âAll right,â said Mr. Munchausen, quietly. âI + suppose you know all about it; but I know a thing + or two about snakes myself that do not exactly + agree with what you say. They are some good + <a class="pagenum" id="page145" title="145"> </a>sometimes, and, as a matter of fact, as a general + rule, they are less apt to attack you without reason + than you are to attack them. A snake is + rather inclined to mind its own business unless he + finds it necessary to do otherwise. Occasionally + too youâll find a snake with a truly amiable character. + Iâll never forget my old pet Wriggletto, for + instance, and as long as I remember him I canât + help having a warm corner for snakes in my heart.â</p> + + <p>Here Mr. Munchausen paused and puffed + thoughtfully on his cigar as a far-away half-affectionate + look came into his eye.</p> + + <p>âWho was Wriggletto?â asked Diavolo, transferring + a half dollar from Mr. Munchausenâs pocket + to his own.</p> + + <p>âWho was he?â cried Mr. Munchausen. âYou + donât mean to say that I have never told you about + Wriggletto, my pet boa-constrictor, do you?â</p> + + <p>âYou never told me,â said Angelica. âBut Iâm + not everybody. Maybe youâve told some other little + Imps.â</p> + + <p>âNo, indeed!â said Mr. Munchausen. âYou + two are the only little Imps I tell stories to, and as + <a class="pagenum" id="page146" title="146"> </a>far as I am concerned, while I admit you are not + everybody you are somebody and thatâs more than + everybody is. Wriggletto was a boa-constrictor I + once knew in South America, and he was without + exception, the most remarkable bit of a serpent I + ever met. Genial, kind, intelligent, grateful and + useful, and, after Iâd had him a year or two, wonderfully + well educated. He could write with himself as + well as you or I can with a pen. Thereâs a recommendation + for you. Few men are all thatâand few + boa-constrictors either, as far as that goes. I admit + Wriggletto was an exception to the general run of + serpents, but he was all that I claim for him, nevertheless.â</p> + + <p>âWhat kind of a snake did you say he was?â + asked Diavolo.</p> + + <p>âA boa-constrictor,â said Mr. Munchausen, + âand I knew him from his childhood. I first + encountered Wriggletto about ten miles out of + Para on the river Amazon. He was being swallowed + by a larger boa-constrictor, and I saved his + life by catching hold of his tail and pulling him + out just as the other was getting ready to give the + <a class="pagenum" id="page147" title="147"> </a>last gulp which would have taken Wriggletto in + completely, and placed him beyond all hope of ever + being saved.â</p> + + <p>âWhat was the other boa doing while you were + saving Wriggletto?â asked Diavolo, who was fond + always of hearing both sides to every question, and + whose father, therefore, hoped he might some day + grow up to be a great judge, or at least serve with + distinction upon a jury.</p> + + <p>âHe couldnât do anything,â returned Mr. Munchausen. + âHe was powerless as long as Wrigglettoâs + head stuck in his throat and just before I + got the smaller snake extracted I killed the other + one by cutting off his tail behind his ears. It was + not a very dangerous rescue on my part as long as + Wriggletto was likely to be grateful. I must confess + for a minute I was afraid he might not comprehend + all I had done for him, and it was just possible + he might attack me, but the hug he gave me + when he found himself free once more was reassuring. + He wound himself gracefully around my + body, squeezed me gently and then slid off into the + road again, as much as to say âThank you, sir. + <a class="pagenum" id="page148" title="148"> </a>Youâre a brick.â After that there was nothing Wriggletto + would not do for me. He followed me everywhere + I went from that time on. He seemed to + learn all in an instant that there were hundreds of + little things to be done about the house of an old + bachelor like myself which a willing serpent could + do, and he made it his business to do those things: + like picking up my collars from the floor, and finding + my studs for me when they rolled under the + bureau, and a thousand and one other little services + of a like nature, and when you, Master Diavolo, + try in future to say that snakes are only good + to kill and are of no use to any one, you must at + least make an exception in favour of Wriggletto.â</p> + + <p>âI will,â said Diavolo, âBut you havenât told us + of the other useful things he did for you yet.â</p> + + <p>âI was about to do so,â said Mr. Munchausen. + âIn the first place, before he learned how to do little + things about the house for me, Wriggletto acted + as a watch-dog and you may be sure that nobody + ever ventured to prowl around my house at night + while Wriggletto slept out on the lawn. Para was + quite full of conscienceless fellows, too, at that + <a class="pagenum" id="page149" title="149"> </a>time, any one of whom would have been glad to + have a chance to relieve me of my belongings if they + could get by my watch-snake. Two of them tried + it one dark stormy night, and Wriggletto when he + discovered them climbing in at my window, crawled + up behind them and winding his tail about them + crept down to the banks of the Amazon, dragging + them after him. There he tossed them into the + river, and came back to his post once more.â</p> + + <p>âDid you see him do it, Uncle Munch?â asked + Angelica.</p> + + <p>âNo, I did not. I learned of it afterwards. + Wriggletto himself said never a word. He was too + modest for that,â said Mr. Munchausen. âOne of + the robbers wrote a letter to the Para newspapers + about it, complaining that any one should be + allowed to keep a reptile like that around, and suggested + that anyhow people using snakes in place of + dogs should be compelled to license them, and put + up a sign at their gates:</p> + + <p id="snake_sign">BEWARE OF THE SNAKE!</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page150" title="150"> </a>âThe man never acknowledged, of course, that + he was the robber,âsaid that he was calling on + business when the thing happened,âbut he didnât + say what his business was, but I knew better, and + later on the other robber and he fell out, and they + confessed that the business they had come on was + to take away a few thousand gold coins of the + realm which I was known to have in the house + locked in a steel chest.</p> + + <p>âI bought Wriggletto a handsome silver collar + after that, and it was generally understood that he + was the guardian of my place, and robbers bothered + me no more. Then he was finer than a cat for + rats. On very hot days he would go off into the + cellar, where it was cool, and lie there with his + mouth wide open and his eyes shut, and catch rats + by the dozens. Theyâd run around in the dark, and + the first thing theyâd know theyâd stumble into + Wrigglettoâs mouth; and he swallowed them and + licked his chops afterwards, just as you or I do + when weâve swallowed a fine luscious oyster or a + clam.</p> + + <p>âBut pleasantest of all the things Wriggletto + <a class="pagenum" id="page151" title="151"> </a>did for meâand he was untiring in his attentions in + that wayâwas keeping me cool on hot summer + nights. Para as you may have heard is a pretty + hot place at best, lying in a tropical region as it + does, but sometimes it is awful for a man used to + the Northern climate, as I was. The act of fanning + oneâs self, so far from cooling one off, makes one + hotter than ever. Maybe you remember how it was + with the elephant in the poem:</p> + + + <div class="poem"> + <p>ââOh my, oh dear!â the elephant said,</p> + <p class="i2">âIt is so awful hot!</p> + <p>Iâve fanned myself for seventy weeks,</p> + <p class="i2">And havenât cooled a jot.â</p> + </div> + + <p>âAnd that was the way it was with me in Para + on hot nights. Iâd fan and fan and fan, but I + couldnât get cool until Wriggletto became a member + of my family, and then I was all right. He + used to wind his tail about a huge palm-leaf fan + I had cut in the forest, so large that I couldnât possibly + handle it myself, and heâd wave it to and fro + by the hour, with the result that my house was + always the breeziest place in Para.â</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page152" title="152"> </a>âWhere is Wriggletto now?â asked Diavolo.</p> + + <p>âHeigho!â sighed Mr. Munchausen. âHe died, + poor fellow, and all because of that silver collar I + gave him. He tried to swallow a jibola that + entered my house one night on wickedness intent, + and while Wrigglettoâs throat was large enough + when he stretched it to take down three jibolas, + with a collar on which wouldnât stretch he couldnât + swallow one. He didnât know that, unfortunately, + and he kept on trying until the jibola got a quarter + way down and then he stuck. Each swallow, of + course, made the collar fit more tightly and finally + poor Wriggletto choked himself to death. I + felt so badly about it that I left Para within a + month, but meanwhile I had a suit of clothes made + out of Wrigglettoâs skin, and wore it for years, and + then, when the clothes began to look worn, I had + the skin re-tanned and made over into shoes and + slippers. So you see that even after death he was + useful to me. He was a faithful snake, and that is + why when I hear people running down all snakes I + tell the story of Wriggletto.â</p> + + <div id="illo12" class="illo"> + <a href="images/illo12.jpg"><img src="images/illo12-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="416" alt="A large snake fans the Baron while he reads" /></a> + <p class="caption">âHe used to wind his tail about a fan and + heâd wave it to and fro by the hour.â <span class="illo_ch">Chapter XIII.</span></p> + </div> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page153" title="153"> </a>There was a pause for a few moments, when + Diavolo said, âUncle Munch, is that a true story + youâve been giving us?â</p> + + <p>âTrue?â cried Mr. Munchausen. âTrue? + Why, my dear boy, what a question! If you donât + believe it, bring me your atlas, and Iâll show you + just where Para is.â</p> + + <p>Diavolo did as he was told, and sure enough, Mr. + Munchausen did exactly as he said he would, which + Diavolo thought was very remarkable, but he still + was not satisfied.</p> + + <p>âYou said he could write as well with himself as + you or I could with a pen, Uncle Munch,â he said. + âHow was that?â</p> + + <p>âWhy that was simple enough,â explained Mr. + Munchausen. âYou see he was very black, and + thirty-nine feet long and remarkably supple and + slender. After a year of hard study he learned to + bunch himself into letters, and if he wanted to say + anything to me heâd simply form himself into a + written sentence. Indeed his favourite attitude + when in repose showed his wonderful gift in chirography + <a class="pagenum" id="page154" title="154"> </a>as well as his affection for me. If you will + get me a card I will prove it.â</p> + + <p>Diavolo brought Mr. Munchausen the card and + upon it he drew the following:</p> + + <div id="fig3" class="fig"> + <img src="images/fig03.jpg" width="400" height="186" alt="A snake in the form of âUncleMunchâ" /> + </div> + + <p>âThere,â said Mr. Munchausen. âThatâs the + way Wriggletto always used to lie when he was at + rest. His love for me was very affecting.â</p> + </div> + <div id="chapter_14" class="chapter"><a class="pagenum" id="page155" title="155"> </a> + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="fourteen">XIV</span><br /> + THE POETIC JUNE-BUG, TOGETHER WITH SOME REMARKS + ON THE GILLYHOOLY BIRD</h2> + + <p class="first_paragraph">â<span class="first_word">Uncle Munch</span>,â said Diavolo one afternoon + as a couple of bicyclers sped past + the house at breakneck speed, âwhich would you + rather have, a bicycle or a horse?â</p> + + <p>âWell, I must say, my boy, that is a difficult + question to answer,â Mr. Munchausen replied + after scratching his head dubiously for a few minutes. + âYou might as well ask a man which he + prefers, a hammock or a steam-yacht. To that + question I should reply that if I wanted to sell + it, Iâd rather have a steam-yacht, but for a pleasant + swing on a cool piazza in midsummer or under the + apple-trees, a hammock would be far preferable. + Steam-yachts are not much good to swing in under + an apple tree, and very few piazzas that I know + of are big enoughââ</p> + + <p>âOh, now, you know what I mean, Uncle + Munch,â Diavolo retorted, tapping Mr. Munchausen + <a class="pagenum" id="page156" title="156"> </a>upon the end of his nose, for a twinkle in Mr. + Munchausenâs eye seemed to indicate that he was in + one of his chaffing moods, and a greater tease than + Mr. Munchausen when he felt that way no one + has ever known. âI mean for horse-back riding, + which would you rather have?â</p> + + <p>âAh, thatâs another matter,â returned Mr. Munchausen, + calmly. âNow I know how to answer + your question. For horse-back riding I certainly + prefer a horse; though, on the other hand, for + bicycling, bicycles are better than horses. Horses + make very poor bicycles, due no doubt to the fact + that they have no wheels.â</p> + + <p>Diavolo began to grow desperate.</p> + + <p>âOf course,â Mr. Munchausen went on, âall I + have to say in this connection is based merely on + my ideas, and not upon any personal experience. + Iâve been horse-back riding on horses, and bicycling + on bicycles, but I never went horse-back riding on + a bicycle, or bicycling on horseback. I should + think it might be exciting to go bicycling on horse-back, + but very dangerous. It is hard enough for + me to keep a bicycle from toppling over when Iâm + <a class="pagenum" id="page157" title="157"> </a>riding on a hard, straight, level well-paved road, + without experimenting with my wheel on a horseâs + back. However if you wish to try it some day and + will get me a horse with a back as big as Trafalgar + Square Iâm willing to make the effort.â</p> + + <p>Angelica giggled. It was lots of fun for her + when Mr. Munchausen teased Diavolo, though she + didnât like it quite so much when it was her turn + to be treated that way. Diavolo wanted to laugh + too, but he had too much dignity for that, and to + conceal his desire to grin from Mr. Munchausen + he began to hunt about for an old newspaper, or a + lump of coal or something else he could make a + ball of to throw at him.</p> + + <p>âWhich would you rather do, Angelica,â Mr. + Munchausen resumed, âgo to sea in a balloon or + attend a dumb-crambo party in a chicken-coop?â</p> + + <p>âI guess I would,â laughed Angelica.</p> + + <p>âThatâs a good answer,â Mr. Munchausen put + in. âIt is quite as intelligent as the one which + is attributed to the Gillyhooly bird. When the + Gillyhooly bird was asked his opinion of giraffes, + he scratched his head for a minute and said,</p> + + <div class="poem"><a class="pagenum" id="page158" title="158"> </a> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>ââThe question hath but little wit</p> + <p class="i2">That you have put to me,</p> + <p>But I will try to answer it</p> + <p class="i2">With prompt candidity.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The automobile is a thing</p> + <p class="i2">Thatâs pleasing to the mind;</p> + <p>And in a lustrous diamond ring</p> + <p class="i2">Some merit I can find.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Some persons gloat oâer French Chateaux;</p> + <p class="i2">Some dote on lemon ice;</p> + <p>While others gorge on mixed gateaux,</p> + <p class="i2">Yet have no use for mice.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Iâm very fond of oyster-stew,</p> + <p class="i2">I love a patent-leather boot,</p> + <p>But after all, âtwixt me and you,</p> + <p class="i2">The fish-ball is my favourite fruit.ââ</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>âHohâ jeered Diavolo, who, attracted by the + allusion to a kind of bird of which he had never + heard before, had given up the quest for a paper + ball and returned to Mr. Munchausenâs side, âI + donât think that was a very intelligent answer. + It didnât answer the question at all.â</p> + + <p>âThatâs true, and that is why it was intelligent,â + said Mr. Munchausen. âIt was noncommittal. + Some day when you are older and know + less than you do now, you will realise, my dear + <a class="pagenum" id="page159" title="159"> </a>Diavolo, how valuable a thing is the reply that + answereth not.â</p> + + <p>Mr. Munchausen paused long enough to let the + lesson sink in and then he resumed.</p> + + <p>âThe Gillyhooly bird is a perfect owl for wisdom + of that sort,â he said. âIt never lets anybody + know what it thinks; it never makes promises, and + rarely speaks except to mystify people. It probably + has just as decided an opinion concerning + giraffes as you or I have, but it never lets anybody + into the secret.â</p> + + <p>âWhat is a Gillyhooly bird, anyhow?â asked + Diavolo.</p> + + <p>âHeâs a bird that never sings for fear of straining + his voice; never flies for fear of wearying his + wings; never eats for fear of spoiling his digestion; + never stands up for fear of bandying his + legs and never lies down for fear of injuring his + spine,â said Mr. Munchausen. âHe has no feathers, + because, as he says, if he had, people would + pull them out to trim hats with, which would be + painful, and he never goes into debt because, as + he observes himself, he has no hope of paying the + <a class="pagenum" id="page160" title="160"> </a>bill with which nature has endowed him, so why + run up others?â</p> + + <p>âI shouldnât think heâd live long if he doesnât + eat?â suggested Angelica.</p> + + <p>âThatâs the great trouble,â said Mr. Munchausen. + âHe doesnât live long. Nothing so ineffably + wise as the Gillyhooly bird ever does live long. I + donât believe a Gillyhooly bird ever lived more + than a day, and that, connected with the fact that + he is very ugly and keeps himself out of sight, is + possibly why no one has ever seen one. He is + known only by hearsay, and as a matter of fact, + besides ourselves, I doubt if any one has ever heard + of him.â</p> + + <p>Diavolo eyed Mr. Munchausen narrowly.</p> + + <p>âSpeaking of Gillyhooly birds, however, and to + be serious for a moment,â Mr. Munchausen continued + flinching nervously under Diavoloâs unyielding + gaze; âI never told you about the poetic + June-bug that worked the typewriter, did I?â</p> + + <p>âNever heard of such a thing,â cried Diavolo. + âThe idea of a June-bug working a typewriter.â</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page161" title="161"> </a>âI donât believe it,â said Angelica, âhe hasnât + got any fingers.â</p> + + <p>âThat shows all you know about it,â retorted + Mr. Munchausen. âYou think because you are + half-way right you are all right. However, if you + donât want to hear the story of the June-bug that + worked the type-writer, I wonât tell it. My tongue + is tired, anyhow.â</p> + + <p>âPlease go on,â said Diavolo. âI want to hear + it.â</p> + + <p>âSo do I,â said Angelica. âThere are lots of + stories I donât believe that I like to hearââJack + the Giant-killerâ and âCinderella,â for instance.â</p> + + <p>âVery well,â said Mr. Munchausen. âIâll tell + it, and you can believe it or not, as you please. It + was only two summers ago that the thing happened, + and I think it was very curious. As you + may know, I often have a great lot of writing to + do and sometimes I get very tired holding a pen + in my hand. When you get old enough to write + real long letters youâll know what I mean. Your + writing hand will get so tired that sometimes youâll + <a class="pagenum" id="page162" title="162"> </a>wish some wizard would come along smart enough + to invent a machine by means of which everything + you think can be transferred to paper as you think + it, without the necessity of writing. But as yet + the only relief to the man whose hand is worn out + by the amount of writing he has to do is the use of + the type-writer, which is hard only on the fingers. + So to help me in my work two summers ago I + bought a type-writing machine, and put it in the + great bay-window of my room at the hotel where + I was stopping. It was a magnificent hotel, but + it had one drawbackâit was infested with June-bugs. + Most summer hotels are afflicted with mosquitoes, + but this one had June-bugs instead, and + all night long theyâd buzz and butt their heads + against the walls until the guests went almost + crazy with the noise.</p> + + <p>âAt first I did not mind it very much. It was + amusing to watch them, and my friends and I + used to play a sort of game of chance with them + that entertained us hugely. We marked the walls + off in squares which we numbered and then made + little wagers as to which of the squares a specially + <a class="pagenum" id="page163" title="163"> </a>selected June-bug would whack next. To + simplify the game we caught the chosen June-bug + and put some powdered charcoal on his head, so + that when he butted up against the white wall he + would leave a black mark in the space he hit. It + was really one of the most exciting games of that + particular kind that I ever played, and many a + rainy day was made pleasant by this diversion.</p> + + <p>âBut after awhile like everything else June-bug + Roulette as we called it began to pall and I grew + tired of it and wished there never had been such + a thing as a June-bug in the world. I did my best + to forget them, but it was impossible. Their buzzing + and butting continued uninterrupted, and + toward the end of the month they developed a particularly + bad habit of butting the electric call button + at the side of my bed. The consequence was + that at all hours of the night, hall-boys with iced-water, + and house-maids with bath towels, and + porters with kindling-wood would come knocking + at my door and routing me out of bedâsummoned + of course by none other than those horrible butting + insects. This particular nuisance became so unendurable + <a class="pagenum" id="page164" title="164"> </a>that I had to change my room for one + which had no electric bell in it.</p> + + <p>âSo things went, until June passed and July + appeared. The majority of the nuisances promptly + got out but one especially vigorous and athletic + member of the tribe remained. He became unbearable + and finally one night I jumped out of bed + either to kill him or to drive him out of my apartment + forever, but he wouldnât go, and try as I + might I couldnât hit him hard enough to kill him. + In sheer desperation I took the cover of my typewriting + machine and tried to catch him in that. + Finally I succeeded, and, as I thought, shook the + heedless creature out of the window promptly + slamming the window shut so that he might not + return; and then putting the type-writer cover + back over the machine, I went to bed again, but + not to sleep as I had hoped. All night long every + second or two Iâd hear the type-writer click. This + I attributed to nervousness on my part. As far + as I knew there wasnât anything to make the type-writer + click, and the fact that I heard it do so <!-- Original location of illo13 --> + <a class="pagenum" id="page165" title="165"> </a>served only to convince me that I was tired and + imagined that I heard noises.</p> + + <div id="illo13" class="illo"> + <a href="images/illo13.jpg"><img src="images/illo13-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="408" alt="Baron peers at a piece of paper" /></a> + <p class="caption">âMost singular of all was the fact that + consciously or unconsciously the insect had + butted out a verse.â <span class="illo_ch">Chapter XIV.</span></p> + </div> + + <p>âThe next morning, however, on opening the + machine I found that the June-bug had not only + not been shaken out of the window, but had actually + spent the night inside of the cover, butting his + head against the keys, having no wall to butt with + it, and most singular of all was the fact that, consciously + or unconsciously, the insect had butted + out a verse which read:</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <p>ââIâm glad I havenât any brains,</p> + <p class="i2">For there can be no doubt</p> + <p>Iâd have to give up butting</p> + <p class="i2">If I had, or butt them out.ââ</p> + </div> + + <p>âMercy! Really?â cried Angelica.</p> + + <p>âWell I canât prove it,â said Mr. Munchausen, + âby producing the June-bug, but I can show you + the hotel, I can tell you the number of the room; + I can show you the type-writing machine, and I + have recited the verse. If youâre not satisfied with + that Iâll have to stand your suspicions.â</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page166" title="166"> </a>âWhat became of the June-bug?â demanded + Diavolo.</p> + + <p>âHe flew off as soon as I lifted the top of the + machine,â said Mr. Munchausen. âHe had all the + modesty of a true poet and did not wish to be + around while his poem was being read.â</p> + + <p>âItâs queer how you canât get rid of June-bugs, + isnât it, Uncle Munch,â suggested Angelica.</p> + + <p>âOh, we got rid of âem next season all right,â + said Mr. Munchausen. âI invented a scheme that + kept them away all the following summer. I got + the landlord to hang calendars all over the house + with one full page for each month. Then in every + room we exposed the page for May and left it that + way all summer. When the June-bugs arrived + and saw these, they were fooled into believing that + June hadnât come yet, and off they flew to wait. + They are very inconsiderate of other peopleâs comfort,â + Mr. Munchausen concluded, âbut they are + rigorously bound by an etiquette of their own. A + self-respecting June-bug would no more appear + until the June-bug season is regularly open than + a gentleman of high society would go to a five + <a class="pagenum" id="page167" title="167"> </a>oâclock tea munching fresh-roasted peanuts. And + by the way, that reminds me I happen to have a + bag of peanuts right here in my pocket.â</p> + + <p>Here Mr. Munchausen, transferring the luscious + goobers to Angelica, suddenly remembered that he + had something to say to the Impsâ father, and hurriedly + left them.</p> + + <p>âDo you suppose thatâs true, Diavolo?â whispered + Angelica as their friend disappeared.</p> + + <p>âWell it might happen,â said Diavolo, âbut Iâve + a sort of notion that itâs âmaginary like the Gillyhooly + bird. Gimme a peanut.â</p> + </div> + <div id="chapter_15" class="chapter"><a class="pagenum" id="page168" title="168"> </a> + + <h2><span class="chapter_no" title="fifteen">XV</span><br /> + A LUCKY STROKE</h2> + + <p class="first_paragraph">âMr. Munchausen,â said Ananias, as he + and the famous warrior drove off from + the first hole at the Missing Links, âyou never + seem to weary of the game of golf. What is its + precise charm in your eyes,âthe health-giving + qualities of the game or its capacity for bad lies?â</p> + + <p>âI owe my life to it,â replied the Baron. âThat + is to say to my precision as a player I owe one of + the many preservations of my existence which have + passed into history. Furthermore it is ever varying + in its interest. Like life itself it is full of + hazards and no man knows at the beginning of his + stroke what will be the requirements of the next. + I never told you of the bovine lie I got once while + playing a match with Bonaparte, did I?â</p> + + <p>âI do not recall it,â said Ananias, foozling his + second stroke into the stone wall.</p> + + <p>âI was playing with my friend Bonaparte, for + the Cosmopolitan Championship,â said Munchausen, + âand we were all even at the thirty-sixth hole. + <a class="pagenum" id="page169" title="169"> </a>Bonaparte had sliced his ball into a stubble field + from the tee, whereat he was inclined to swear, + until by an odd mischance I drove mine into the + throat of a bull that was pasturing on the fair + green two hundred and ninety-eight yards distant. + âShall we take it over?â I asked. âNo,â laughed + Bonaparte, thinking he had me. âWe must play + the game. I shall play my lie. You must play + yours.â âVery well,â said I. âSo be it. Golf is + golf, bull or no bull.â And off we went. It took + Bonaparte seven strokes to get on the green again, + which left me a like number to extricate my ball + from the throat of the unwelcome bovine. It was + a difficult business, but I made short work of it. + Tying my red silk handkerchief to the end of my + brassey I stepped in front of the great creature + and addressing an imaginary ball before him made + the usual swing back and through stroke. The + bull, angered by the fluttering red handkerchief, + reared up and made a dash at me. I ran in the + direction of the hole, the bull in pursuit for two + hundred yards. Here I hid behind a tree while Mr. + Bull stopped short and snorted again. Still there + <a class="pagenum" id="page170" title="170"> </a>was no sign of the ball, and after my pursuer had + quieted a little I emerged from my hiding place + and with the same club and in the same manner + played three. The bull surprised at my temerity + threw his head back with an angry toss and tried to + bellow forth his wrath, as I had designed he should, + but the obstruction in his throat prevented him. + The ball had stuck in his pharynx. Nothing came + of his spasm but a short hacking cough and a + wheezeâthen silence. âIâll play four,â I cried to + Bonaparte, who stood watching me from a place of + safety on the other side of the stone wall. Again + I swung my red-flagged brassey in front of the + angry creatureâs face and what I had hoped for + followed. The second attempt at a bellow again + resulted in a hacking cough and a sneeze, and lo + the ball flew out of his throat and landed dead to + the hole. The caddies drove the bull away. Bonaparte + played eight, missed a putt for a nine, stymied + himself in a ten, holed out in twelve and I went + down in five.â</p> + + <p>âJerusalem!â cried Ananias. âWhat did Bonaparte + say?â</p> + + <div id="illo14" class="illo"> + <a href="images/illo14.jpg"><img src="images/illo14-thumb.jpg" width="300" height="413" alt="Baron swings a golf club at a cow" /></a> + <p class="caption">âAgain I swung my red-flagged brassey in + front of the angry creatureâs face, and what I + had hoped for followed.â <span class="illo_ch">Chapter XV.</span></p> + </div> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page171" title="171"> </a>âHe delivered a short, quick nervous address in + Corsican and retired to the club-house where he + spent the afternoon drowning his sorrows in Absinthe + high-balls. âGreat hole that, Bonaparte,â + said I when his geniality was about to return. + âYes,â said he. âA regular lu-lu, eh?â said I. + âMore than that, Baron,â said he. âIt was a Waterlooloo.â + It was the first pun I ever heard the + Emperor make.â</p> + + <p>âWe all have our weak moments,â said Ananias + drily, playing nine from behind the wall. âI give + the hole up,â he added angrily.</p> + + <p>âLetâs play it out anyhow,â said Munchausen, + playing three to the green.</p> + + <p>âAll right,â Ananias agreed, taking a ten and + rimming the cup.</p> + + <p>Munchausen took three to go down, scoring six + in all.</p> + + <p>âTwo up,â said he, as Ananias putted out in + eleven.</p> + + <p>âHow the deuce do you make that out? This is + only the first hole,â cried Ananias with some show + of heat.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page172" title="172"> </a>âYou gave up a hole, didnât you?â demanded + Munchausen.</p> + + <p>âYes.â</p> + + <p>âAnd I won a hole, didnât I?â</p> + + <p>âYou didâbutââ</p> + + <p>âWell thatâs two holes. Fore!â cried Munchausen.</p> + + <p>The two walked along in silence for a few minutes, + and the Baron resumed.</p> + + <p>âYes, golf is a splendid game and I love it, + though I donât think Iâd ever let a good canvasback + duck get cold while I was talking about it. + When I have a canvasback duck before me I donât + think of anything else while itâs there. But unquestionably + Iâm fond of golf, and I have a very + good reason to be. It has done a great deal for me, + and as I have already told you, once it really saved + my life.â</p> + + <p>âSaved your life, eh?â said Ananias.</p> + + <p>âThatâs what I said,â returned Mr. Munchausen, + âand so of course that is the way it was.â</p> + + <p>âI should admire to hear the details,â said Ananias. + <a class="pagenum" id="page173" title="173"> </a>âI presume you were going into a decline + and it restored your strength and vitality.â</p> + + <p>âNo,â said Mr. Munchausen, âit wasnât that + way at all. It saved my life when I was attacked + by a fierce and ravenously hungry lion. If I hadnât + known how to play golf it would have been farewell + forever to Mr. Munchausen, and Mr. Lion + would have had a fine luncheon that day, at which + I should have been the turkey and cranberry sauce + and mince pie all rolled into one.â</p> + + <p>Ananias laughed.</p> + + <p>âItâs easy enough to laugh at my peril now,â + said Mr. Munchausen, âbut if youâd been with me + you wouldnât have laughed very much. On the + contrary, Ananias, youâd have ruined what little + voice you ever had screeching.â</p> + + <p>âI wasnât laughing at the danger you were in,â + said Ananias. âI donât see anything funny in + that. What I was laughing at was the idea of a + lion turning up on a golf course. They donât have + lions on any of the golf courses that I am familiar + with.â</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page174" title="174"> </a>âThat may be, my dear Ananias,â said Mr. Munchausen, + âbut it doesnât prove anything. What + you are familiar with has no especial bearing upon + the ordering of the Universe. They had lions by + the hundreds on the particular links I refer to. I + laid the links out myself and I fancy I know what + I am talking about. They were in the desert of + Sahara. And I tell you what it is,â he added, + slapping his knee enthusiastically, âthey were the + finest links I ever played on. There wasnât a hole + shorter than three miles and a quarter, which gives + you plenty of elbow room, and the fair green had + all the qualities of a first class billiard table, so + that your ball got a magnificent roll on it.â</p> + + <p>âWhat did you do for hazards?â asked Ananias.</p> + + <p>âOh we had âem by the dozen,â replied Mr. Munchausen. + âThere werenât any ponds or stone + walls, of course, but there were plenty of others + that were quite as interesting. There was the + Sphynx for instance; and for bunkers the pyramids + canât be beaten. Then occasionally right in + the middle of a game a caravan ten or twelve miles + long, would begin to drag its interminable length + <a class="pagenum" id="page175" title="175"> </a>across the middle of the course, and it takes mighty + nice work with the lofting iron to lift a ball over a + caravan without hitting a camel or killing an Arab, + I can tell you. Then finally Iâm sure I donât know + of any more hazardous hazard for a golf playerâor + for anybody else for that matterâthan a real + hungry African lion out in search of breakfast, + especially when you meet him on the hole furthest + from home and have a stretch of three or four miles + between him and assistance with no revolver or + other weapon at hand. Thatâs hazard enough for + me and it took the best work I could do with my + brassey to get around it.â</p> + + <p>âYou always were strong at a brassey lie,â said + Ananias.</p> + + <p>âThank you,â said Mr. Munchausen. âThere + are few lies I canât get around. But on this morning + I was playing for the Mid-African Championship. + Iâd been getting along splendidly. My + record for fifteen holes was about seven hundred + and eighty-three strokes, and I was flattering myself + that I was about to turn in the best card that + had ever been seen in a medal play contest in all + <a class="pagenum" id="page176" title="176"> </a>Africa. My drive from the sixteenth tee was a + simple beauty. I thought the ball would never + stop, I hit it such a tremendous whack. It had a + flight of three hundred and eighty-two yards and a + roll of one hundred and twenty more, and when it + finally stopped it turned up in a mighty good lie + on a natural tee, which the wind had swirled up. + Calling to the monkey who acted as my caddyâwe + used monkeys for caddies always in Africa, and + they were a great success because they donât talk + and they use their tails as a sort of extra hand,âI + got out my brassey for the second stroke, took my + stance on the hardened sand, swung my club back, + fixed my eye on the ball and was just about to carry + through, when I heard a sound which sent my heart + into my boots, my caddy galloping back to the club + house, and set my teeth chattering like a pair of + castanets. It was unmistakable, that sound. When + a hungry lion roars you know precisely what it is + the moment you hear it, especially if you have + heard it before. It doesnât sound a bit like the + miauing of a cat; nor is it suggestive of the rumble + of artillery in an adjacent street. There is no mistaking + <a class="pagenum" id="page177" title="177"> </a>it for distant thunder, as some writers would + have you believe. It has none of the gently mournful + quality that characterises the soughing of the + wind through the leafless branches of the autumnal + forest, to which a poet might liken it; it is just a + plain lion-roaring and nothing else, and when you + hear it you know it. The man who mistakes it for + distant thunder might just as well be struck by + lightning there and then for all the chance he has + to get away from it ultimately. The poet who confounds + it with the gentle soughing breeze never + lives to tell about it. He gets himself eaten up for + his foolishness. It doesnât require a Daniel come + to judgment to recognise a lionâs roar on sight.</p> + + <p>âI should have perished myself that morning if + I had not known on the instant just what were the + causes of the disturbance. My nerve did not desert + me, however, frightened as I was. I stopped + my play and looked out over the sand in the direction + whence the roaring came, and there he stood + a perfect picture of majesty, and a giant among + lions, eyeing me critically as much as to say, âWell + this is luck, hereâs breakfast fit for a king!â but he + <a class="pagenum" id="page178" title="178"> </a>reckoned without his host. I was in no mood to + be served up to stop his ravening appetite and I + made up my mind at once to stay and fight. Iâm a + good runner, Ananias, but I cannot beat a lion + in a three mile sprint on a sandy soil, so fight it + was. The question was how. My caddy gone, the + only weapons I had with me were my brassey and + that one little gutta percha ball, but thanks to my + golf they were sufficient.</p> + + <p>âCarefully calculating the distance at which the + huge beast stood, I addressed the ball with unusual + care, aiming slightly to the left to overcome my + tendency to slice, and drove the ball straight + through the lionâs heart as he poised himself on his + hind legs ready to spring upon me. It was a superb + stroke and not an instant too soon, for just as + the ball struck him he sprang forward, and even as + it was landed but two feet away from where I stood, + but, I am happy to say, dead.</p> + + <p>âIt was indeed a narrow escape, and it tried my + nerves to the full, but I extracted the ball and resumed + my play in a short while, adding the lucky + <a class="pagenum" id="page179" title="179"> </a>stroke to my score meanwhile. But I lost the + match,ânot because I lost my nerve, for this I did + not do, but because I lifted from the lionâs heart. + The committee disqualified me because I did not + play from my lie and the cup went to my competitor. + However, I was satisfied to have escaped + with my life. Iâd rather be a live runner-up than + a dead champion any day.â</p> + + <p>âA wonderful experience,â said Ananias. âPerfectly + wonderful. I never heard of a stroke to + equal that.â</p> + + <p>âYou are too modest, Ananias,â said Mr. Munchausen + drily. âToo modest by half. You and + Sapphira hold the record for that, you know.â</p> + + <p>âI have forgotten the episode,â said Ananias.</p> + + <p>âDidnât you and she make your last hole on a + single stroke?â demanded Munchausen with an inward + chuckle.</p> + + <p>âOhâyes,â said Ananias grimly, as he recalled + the incident. âBut you know we didnât win any + more than you did.â</p> + + <p>âOh, didnât you?â asked Munchausen.</p> + + <p><a class="pagenum" id="page180" title="180"> </a>âNo,â replied Ananias. âYou forget that Sapphira + and I were two down at the finish.â</p> + + <p>And Mr. Munchausen played the rest of the game + in silence. Ananias had at last got the best of him.</p> + </div> + <div id="transcribers_note"> + <p>Transcriberâs Note:</p> + <ul> + <li>Spellings were left as found.</li> + <li>Illustrations were moved when they interrupted paragraphs.</li> + </ul> + </div> +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p> </p> +<div class="pg"> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. 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eBook, Mr. Munchausen, by John Kendrick Bangs, +Illustrated by Peter Newell + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Mr. Munchausen + Being a True Account of Some of the Recent Adventures beyond the Styx of the Late Hieronymus Carl Friedrich, Sometime Baron Munchausen of Bodenwerder + + +Author: John Kendrick Bangs + + + +Release Date: August 14, 2010 [eBook #33432] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. MUNCHAUSEN*** + + +E-text prepared by Barbara Tozier, Bill Tozier, and the Project Gutenberg +Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this file + which includes the original illustrations in color. + See 33432-h.htm or 33432-h.zip: + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/33432/33432-h/33432-h.htm) + or + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/33432/33432-h.zip) + + + + + +MR. MUNCHAUSEN + + +[Illustration] + + +MR. MUNCHAUSEN + +_Being a TRUE ACCOUNT of some of the RECENT ADVENTURES beyond the STYX +of the late HIERONYMUS CARL FRIEDRICH, sometime BARON MUNCHAUSEN of +BODENWERDER, as originally reported for the SUNDAY EDITION of the +GEHENNA GAZETTE by its SPECIAL INTERVIEWER the late Mr. ANANIAS +formerly of JERUSALEM and now first transcribed from the columns of +that JOURNAL by_ + +JOHN KENDRICK BANGS + +Embellished with Drawings by Peter Newell + + + + + + + +[Illustration] + +Boston: _Printed for Noyes, Platt & Company and published by them at +their offices in the Pierce Building in Copley Square_, A.D. 1901 + +Copyright, 1901, by Noyes, Platt & Company, (Incorporated) + +Entered at Stationers' Hall + +The lithographed illustrations are printed in eight colours by George +H. Walker and Company, Boston + +Press of Riggs Printing and Publishing Co. Albany, N. Y., U. S. A. + + + + +EDITOR'S APOLOGY _and_ DEDICATION + + +_In order that there may be no misunderstanding as to the why and the +wherefore of this collection of tales it appears to me to be desirable +that I should at the outset state my reasons for acting as the medium +between the spirit of the late Baron Munchausen and the reading +public. In common with a large number of other great men in history +Baron Munchausen has suffered because he is not understood. I have +observed with wondering surprise the steady and constant growth of the +idea that Baron Munchausen was not a man of truth; that his statements +of fact were untrustworthy, and that as a realist he had no standing +whatsoever. Just how this misconception of the man's character has +arisen it would be difficult to say. Surely in his published writings +he shows that same lofty resolve to be true to life as he has seen it +that characterises the work of some of the high Apostles of Realism, +who are writing of the things that will teach future generations how +we of to-day ordered our goings-on. The note of veracity in Baron +Munchausen's early literary venturings rings as clear and as true +certainly as the similar note in the charming studies of Manx Realism +that have come to us of late years from the pen of Mr. Corridor +Walkingstick, of Gloomster Abbey and London. We all remember the glow +of satisfaction with which we read Mr. Walkingstick's great story of +the love of the clergyman, John Stress, for the charming little +heroine, Glory Partridge. Here was something at last that rang true. +The picture was painted in the boldest of colours, and, regardless of +consequences to himself, Mr. Walkingstick dared to be real when he +might have given rein to his imagination. Mr. Walkingstick was, +thereupon, lifted up by popular favour to the level of an +apostle--nay, he even admitted the soft impeachment--and now as a +moral teacher he is without a rival in the world of literature. Yet +the same age that accepts this man as a moral teacher, rejects Baron +Munchausen, who, in different manner perhaps, presented to the world +as true and life-like a picture of the conditions of his day as that +given to us by Mr. Walkingstick in his deservedly popular romance, +"Episcopalians I have Met." Of course, I do not claim that Baron +Munchausen's stories in bulk or in specified instances, have the +literary vigour that is so marked a quality of the latter-day writer, +but the point I do wish to urge is that to accept the one as a +veracious chronicler of his time and to reject the other as one who +indulges his pen in all sorts of grotesque vagaries, without proper +regard for the facts, is a great injustice to the man of other times. +The question arises, _why_ is this? How has this wrong upon the worthy +realist of the eighteenth century been perpetrated? Is it an +intentional or an unwitting wrong? I prefer to believe that it is +based upon ignorance of the Baron's true quality, due to the fact that +his works are rarely to be found within the reach of the public: in +some cases, because of the failure of librarians to comprehend his +real motives, his narratives are excluded from Public and +Sunday-School libraries; and because of their extreme age, they are +not easily again brought into vogue. I have, therefore, accepted the +office of intermediary between the Baron and the readers of the +present day, in order that his later work, which, while it shows to a +marked degree the decadence of his literary powers, may yet serve to +demonstrate to the readers of my own time how favourably he compares +with some of the literary idols of to-day, in the simple matter of +fidelity to fact. If these stories which follow shall serve to +rehabilitate Baron Munchausen as a lover and practitioner of the arts +of Truth, I shall not have made the sacrifice of my time in vain. If +they fail of this purpose I shall still have the satisfaction of +knowing that I have tried to render a service to an honest and +defenceless man._ + +_Meanwhile I dedicate this volume, with sentiments of the highest +regard, to that other great realist_ + + MR. CORRIDOR WALKINGSTICK + + _of_ + + GLOOMSTER ABBEY + + J. K. B. + + + + +Contents + + + I. I Encounter the Old Gentleman + II. The Sporting Tour of Mr. Munchausen + III. Three Months in a Balloon + IV. Some Hunting Stories for Children + V. The Story of Jang + VI. He Tells the Twins of Fire-Works + VII. Saved by a Magic Lantern + VIII. An Adventure in the Desert + IX. Decoration Day in the Cannibal Islands + X. Mr. Munchausen's Adventure with a Shark + XI. The Baron as a Runner + XII. Mr. Munchausen Meets His Match + XIII. Wriggletto + XIV. The Poetic June-Bug, Together with Some + Remarks on the Gillyhooly Bird + XV. A Lucky Stroke + + + + +List of Illustrations + + + Portrait of Mr. Munchausen + "There was the whale, drawn by magnetic influence to the + side of _The Lyre_" + "As their bullets got to their highest point and began to + drop back, I reached out and caught them" + "I got nearer and nearer my haven of safety, the bellowing + beasts snorting with rage as they followed" + "Jang buzzed over and sat on his back, putting his sting + where it would do the most good" + "Out of what appeared to be a clear sky came the most + extraordinary rain storm you ever saw" + "'I am your slave,' he replied to my greeting, kneeling + before me, 'I yield all to you'" + "I reached the giraffe, raised myself to his back, crawled + along his neck and dropped fainting into the tree" + "They were celebrating Decoration Day, strewing flowers on + the graves of departed missionaries" + "I laughed in the poor disappointed thing's face, and with a + howl of despair he rushed back into the sea" + "This brought my speed down ten minutes to the mile which + made it safe for me to run into a haystack" + "At the first whoop Mr. Bear jumped ten feet and fell over + backward on the floor" + "He used to wind his tail about a fan and he'd wave it to + and fro by the hour" + "Most singular of all was the fact that, consciously or + unconsciously, the insect had butted out a verse" + "Again I swung my red-flagged brassey in front of the angry + creature's face, and what I had hoped for followed" + + + + +MR. MUNCHAUSEN + +AN ACCOUNT OF HIS RECENT ADVENTURES + + + + +I + +I ENCOUNTER THE OLD GENTLEMAN + + +There are moments of supreme embarrassment in the lives of persons +given to veracity,--indeed it has been my own unusual experience in +life that the truth well stuck to is twice as hard a proposition as a +lie so obvious that no one is deceived by it at the outset. I cannot +quite agree with my friend, Caddy Barlow, who says that in a tight +place it is better to lie at once and be done with it than to tell the +truth which will need forty more truths to explain it, but I must +confess that in my forty years of absolute and conscientious devotion +to truth I have found myself in holes far deeper than any my most +mendacious of friends ever got into. I do not propose, however, to +desert at this late hour the Goddess I have always worshipped because +she leads me over a rough and rocky road, and whatever may be the +hardships involved in my wooing I intend to the very end to remain the +ever faithful slave of Mademoiselle Veracite. All of which I state +here in prefatory mood, and in order, in so far as it is possible for +me to do so, to disarm the incredulous and sniffy reader who may be +inclined to doubt the truth of my story of how the manuscript of the +following pages came into my possession. I am quite aware that to some +the tale will appear absolutely and intolerably impossible. I know +that if any other than I told it to me I should not believe it. Yet +despite these drawbacks the story is in all particulars, essential and +otherwise, absolutely truthful. + +The facts are briefly these: + +It was not, to begin with, a dark and dismal evening. The snow was not +falling silently, clothing a sad and gloomy world in a mantle of +white, and over the darkling moor a heavy mist was not rising, as is +so frequently the case. There was no soul-stirring moaning of bitter +winds through the leafless boughs; so far as I was aware nothing +soughed within twenty miles of my bailiwick; and my dog, lying before +a blazing log fire in my library, did not give forth an occasional +growl of apprehension, denoting the presence or approach of an uncanny +visitor from other and mysterious realms: and for two good reasons. +The first reason is that it was midsummer when the thing happened, so +that a blazing log fire in my library would have been an extravagance +as well as an anachronism. The second is that I have no dog. In fact +there was nothing unusual, or uncanny in the whole experience. It +happened to be a bright and somewhat too sunny July day, which is not +an unusual happening along the banks of the Hudson. You could see the +heat, and if anything had soughed it could only have been the mercury +in my thermometer. This I must say clicked nervously against the top +of the glass tube and manifested an extraordinary desire to climb +higher than the length of the tube permitted. Incidentally I may add, +even if it be not believed, that the heat was so intense that the +mercury actually did raise the whole thermometer a foot and a half +above the mantel-shelf, and for two mortal hours, from midday until +two by the Monastery Clock, held it suspended there in mid-air with no +visible means of support. Not a breath of air was stirring, and the +only sounds heard were the expanding creaks of the beams of my house, +which upon that particular day increased eight feet in width and +assumed a height which made it appear to be a three instead of a two +story dwelling. There was little work doing in the house. The children +played about in their bathing suits, and the only other active factor +in my life of the moment was our hired man who was kept busy in the +cellar pouring water on the furnace coal to keep it from spontaneously +combusting. + +We had just had luncheon, burning our throats with the iced tea and +with considerable discomfort swallowing the simmering cold roast +filet, which we had to eat hastily before the heat of the day +transformed it into smoked beef. My youngest boy Willie perspired so +copiously that we seriously thought of sending for a plumber to solder +up his pores, and as for myself who have spent three summers of my +life in the desert of Sahara in order to rid myself of nervous chills +to which I was once unhappily subject, for the first time in my life I +was impelled to admit that it was intolerably warm. And then the +telephone bell rang. + +"Great Scott!" I cried, "Who in thunder do you suppose wants to play +golf on a day like this?"--for nowadays our telephone is used for no +other purpose than the making or the breaking of golf engagements. + +"Me," cried my eldest son, whose grammar is not as yet on a par with +his activity. "I'll go." + +The boy shot out of the dining room and ran to the telephone, +returning in a few moments with the statement that a gentleman with a +husky voice whose name was none of his business wished to speak with +me on a matter of some importance to myself. + +I was loath to go. My friends the book agents had recently acquired +the habit of approaching me over the telephone, and I feared that here +was another nefarious attempt to foist a thirty-eight volume tabloid +edition of _The World's Worst Literature_ upon me. Nevertheless I +wisely determined to respond. + +"Hello," I said, placing my lips against the rubber cup. "Hello there, +who wants 91162 Nepperhan?" + +"Is that you?" came the answering question, and, as my boy had +indicated, in a voice whose chief quality was huskiness. + +"I guess so," I replied facetiously;--"It was this morning, but the +heat has affected me somewhat, and I don't feel as much like myself as +I might. What can I do for you?" + +"Nothing, but you can do a lot for yourself," was the astonishing +answer. "Pretty hot for literary work, isn't it?" the voice added +sympathetically. + +"Very," said I. "Fact is I can't seem to do anything these days but +perspire." + +"That's what I thought; and when you can't work ruin stares you in the +face, eh? Now I have a manuscript--" + +"Oh Lord!" I cried. "Don't. There are millions in the same fix. Even +my cook writes." + +"Don't know about that," he returned instantly. "But I do know that +there's millions in my manuscript. And you can have it for the asking. +How's that for an offer?" + +"Very kind, thank you," said I. "What's the nature of your story?" + +"It's extremely good-natured," he answered promptly. + +I laughed. The twist amused me. + +"That isn't what I meant exactly," said I, "though it has some bearing +on the situation. Is it a Henry James dandy, or does it bear the mark +of Caine? Is it realism or fiction?" + +"Realism," said he. "Fiction isn't in my line." + +"Well, I'll tell you," I replied; "you send it to me by post and I'll +look it over. If I can use it I will." + +"Can't do it," said he. "There isn't any post-office where I am." + +"What?" I cried. "No post-office? Where in Hades are you?" + +"Gehenna," he answered briefly. "The transportation between your +country and mine is all one way," he added. "If it wasn't the +population here would diminish." + +"Then how the deuce am I to get hold of your stuff?" I demanded. + +"That's easy. Send your stenographer to the 'phone and I'll dictate +it," he answered. + +The novelty of the situation appealed to me. Even if my new found +acquaintance were some funny person nearer at hand than Gehenna trying +to play a practical joke upon me, still it might be worth while to get +hold of the story he had to tell. Hence I agreed to his proposal. + +"All right, sir," said I. "I'll do it. I'll have him here to-morrow +morning at nine o'clock sharp. What's your number? I'll ring you up." + +"Never mind that," he replied. "I'm merely a tapster on your wires. +I'll ring _you_ up as soon as I've had breakfast and then we can get +to work." + +"Very good," said I. "And may I ask your name?" + +"Certainly," he answered. "I'm Munchausen." + +"What? The Baron?" I roared, delighted. + +"Well--I used to be Baron," he returned with a tinge of sadness in his +voice, "but here in Gehenna we are all on an equal footing. I'm plain +Mr. Munchausen of Hades now. But that's a detail. Don't forget. Nine +o'clock. Good-bye." + +"Wait a moment, Baron," I cried. "How about the royalties on this +book?" + +"Keep 'em for yourself," he replied. "We have money to burn over here. +You are welcome to all the earthly rights of the book. I'm satisfied +with the returns on the Asbestos Edition, already in its 468th +thousand. Good-bye." + +There was a rattle as of the hanging up of the receiver, a short sharp +click and a ring, and I realised that he had gone. + +The next morning in response to a telegraphic summons my stenographer +arrived and when I explained the situation to him he was incredulous, +but orders were orders and he remained. I could see, however, that as +nine o'clock approached he grew visibly nervous, which indicated that +he half believed me anyhow, and when at nine to the second the sharp +ring of the 'phone fell upon our ears he jumped as if he had been +shot. + +"Hello," said I again. "That you, Baron?" + +"The same," the voice replied. "Stenographer ready?" + +"Yes," said I. + +The stenographer walked to the desk, placed the receiver at his ear, +and with trembling voice announced his presence. There was a response +of some kind, and then more calmly he remarked, "Fire ahead, Mr. +Munchausen," and began to write rapidly in short-hand. + +Two days later he handed me a type-written copy of the following +stories. The reader will observe that they are in the form of +interviews, and it should be stated here that they appeared originally +in the columns of the Sunday edition of the _Gehenna Gazette_, a +publication of Hades which circulates wholly among the best people of +that country, and which, if report saith truly, would not print a line +which could not be placed in the hands of children, and to whose +columns such writers as Chaucer, Shakespeare, Ben Jonson, Jonah and +Ananias are frequent contributors. + +Indeed, on the statement of Mr. Munchausen, all the interviews herein +set forth were between himself as the principal and the Hon. Henry B. +Ananias as reporter, or were scrupulously edited by the latter before +being published. + + + + +II + +THE SPORTING TOUR OF MR. MUNCHAUSEN + + +"Good morning, Mr. Munchausen," said the interviewer of the _Gehenna +Gazette_ entering the apartment of the famous traveller at the Hotel +Deville, where the late Baron had just arrived from his sporting tour +in the Blue Hills of Cimmeria and elsewhere. + +"The interests of truth, my dear Ananias," replied the Baron, grasping +me cordially by the hand, "require that I should state it as my +opinion that it is not a good morning. In fact, my good friend, it is +a very bad morning. Can you not see that it is raining cats and dogs +without?" + +"Sir," said I with a bow, "I accept the spirit of your correction but +not the letter. It is raining indeed, sir, as you suggest, but having +passed through it myself on my way hither I can personally testify +that it is raining rain, and not a single cat or canine has, to my +knowledge, as yet fallen from the clouds to the parched earth, +although I am informed that down upon the coast an elephant and three +cows have fallen upon one of the summer hotels and irreparably damaged +the roof." + +Mr. Munchausen laughed. + +"It is curious, Ananias," said he, "what sticklers for the truth you +and I have become." + +"It is indeed, Munchausen," I returned. "The effects of this climate +are working wonders upon us. And it is just as well. You and I are +outclassed by these twentieth century prevaricators concerning whom +late arrivals from the upper world tell such strange things. They tell +me that lying has become a business and is no longer ranked among the +Arts or Professions." + +"Ah me!" sighed the Baron with a retrospective look in his eye, "lying +isn't what it used to be, Ananias, in your days and mine. I fear it +has become one of the lost arts." + +"I have noticed it myself, my friend, and only last night I observed +the same thing to my well beloved Sapphira, who was lamenting the +transparency of the modern lie, and said that lying to-day is no +better than the truth. In our day a prevarication had all of the +opaque beauty of an opalescent bit of glass, whereas to-day in the +majority of cases it is like a great vulgar plate-glass window, +through which we can plainly see the ugly truths that lie behind. But, +sir, I am here to secure from you not a treatise upon the lost art of +lying, but some idea of the results of your sporting tour. You fished, +and hunted, and golfed, and doubtless did other things. You, of +course, had luck and made the greatest catch of the season; shot all +the game in sight, and won every silver, gold and pewter golf mug in +all creation?" + +"You speak truly, Ananias," returned Mr. Munchausen. "My luck _was_ +wonderful--even for one who has been so singularly fortunate as I. I +took three tons of speckled beauties with one cast of an ordinary +horse whip in the Blue Hills, and with nothing but a silken line and a +minnow hook landed upon the deck of my steam yacht a whale of most +tremendous proportions; I shot game of every kind in great abundance +and in my golf there was none to whom I could not give with ease seven +holes in every nine and beat him out." + +"Seven?" said I, failing to see how the ex-Baron could be right. + +"Seven," said he complacently. "Seven on the first, and seven on the +second nine; fourteen in all of the eighteen holes." + +"But," I cried, "I do not see how that could be. With fourteen holes +out of the eighteen given to your opponent even if you won all the +rest you still would be ten down." + +"True, by ordinary methods of calculation," returned the Baron, "but I +got them back on a technicality, which I claim is a new and valuable +discovery in the game. You see it is impossible to play more than one +hole at a time, and I invariably proved to the Greens Committee that +in taking fourteen holes at once my opponent violated the physical +possibilities of the situation. In every case the point was accepted +as well taken, for if we allow golfers to rise above physical +possibilities the game is gone. The integrity of the Card is the soul +of Golf," he added sententiously. + +"Tell me of the whale," said I, simply. "You landed a whale of large +proportions on the deck of your yacht with a simple silken line and a +minnow hook." + +"Well it's a tough story," the Baron replied, handing me a cigar. "But +it is true, Ananias, true to the last word. I was fishing for eels. +Sitting on the deck of _The Lyre_ one very warm afternoon in the early +stages of my trip, I baited a minnow hook and dropped it overboard. It +was the roughest day at sea I had ever encountered. The waves were +mountain high, and it is the sad fact that one of our crew seated in +the main-top was drowned with the spray of the dashing billows. +Fortunately for myself, directly behind my deck chair, to which I was +securely lashed, was a powerful electric fan which blew the spray away +from me, else I too might have suffered the same horrid fate. Suddenly +there came a tug on my line. I was half asleep at the time and let the +line pay out involuntarily, but I was wide-awake enough to know that +something larger than an eel had taken hold of the hook. I had hooked +either a Leviathan or a derelict. Caution and patience, the chief +attributes of a good angler were required. I hauled the line in until +it was taut. There were a thousand yards of it out, and when it +reached the point of tensity, I gave orders to the engineers to steam +closer to the object at the other end. We steamed in five hundred +yards, I meanwhile hauling in my line. Then came another tug and I let +out ten yards. 'Steam closer,' said I. 'Three hundred yards +sou-sou-west by nor'-east.' The yacht obeyed on the instant. I called +the Captain and let him feel the line. 'What do you think it is?' said +I. He pulled a half dozen times. 'Feels like a snag,' he said, 'but +seein' as there ain't no snags out here, I think it must be a fish.' +'What kind?' I asked. I could not but agree that he was better +acquainted with the sea and its denizens than I. 'Well,' he replied, +'it is either a sea serpent or a whale.' At the mere mention of the +word whale I was alert. I have always wanted to kill a whale. +'Captain,' said I, 'can't you tie an anchor onto a hawser, and bait +the flukes with a boa constrictor and make sure of him?' He looked at +me contemptuously. 'Whales eats fish,' said he, 'and they don't bite +at no anchors. Whales has brains, whales has.' 'What shall we do?' I +asked. 'Steam closer,' said the Captain, and we did so." + +Munchausen took a long breath and for the moment was silent. + +"Well?" said I. + +"Well, Ananias," said he. "We resolved to wait. As the Captain said to +me, 'Fishin' is waitin'.' So we waited. 'Coax him along,' said the +Captain. 'How can we do it?' I asked. 'By kindness,' said he. 'Treat +him gently, persuasive-like and he'll come.' We waited four days and +nobody moved and I grew weary of coaxing. 'We've got to do something,' +said I to the Captain. 'Yes,' said he, 'Let's _make_ him move. He +doesn't seem to respond to kindness.' 'But how?' I cried. 'Give him an +electric shock,' said the Captain. 'Telegraph him his mother's sick +and may be it'll move him.' 'Can't you get closer to him?' I demanded, +resenting his facetious manner. 'I can, but it will scare him off,' +replied the Captain. So we turned all our batteries on the sea. The +dynamo shot forth its bolts and along about four o'clock in the +afternoon there was the whale drawn by magnetic influence to the side +of _The Lyre_. He was a beauty, Ananias," Munchausen added with +enthusiasm. "You never saw such a whale. His back was as broad as the +deck of an ocean steamer and in his length he exceeded the dimensions +of _The Lyre_ by sixty feet." + +"And still you got him on deck?" I asked,--I, Ananias, who can stand +something in the way of an exaggeration. + +"Yes," said Munchausen, lighting his cigar, which had gone out. +"Another storm came up and we rolled and rolled and rolled, until I +thought _The Lyre_ was going to capsize." + +"But weren't you sea-sick?" I asked. + +"Didn't have a chance to be," said Munchausen. "I was thinking of the +whale all the time. Finally there came a roll in which we went +completely under, and with a slight pulling on the line the whale was +landed by the force of the wave and laid squarely upon the deck." + +"Great Sapphira!" said I. "But you just said he was wider and longer +than the yacht!" + +[Illustration: "There was the whale drawn by magnetic influence to the +side of _The Lyre_." _Chapter II._] + +"He was," sighed Munchausen. "He landed on the deck and by sheer force +of his weight the yacht went down under him. I swam ashore and the +whole crew with me. The next day Mr. Whale floated in strangled. He'd +swallowed the thousand yards of line and it got so tangled in his +tonsils that it choked him to death. Come around next week and I'll +give you a couple of pounds of whalebone for Mrs. Ananias, and all the +oil you can carry." + +I thanked the old gentleman for his kind offer and promised to avail +myself of it, although as a newspaper man it is against my principles +to accept gifts from public men. + +"It was great luck, Baron," said I. "Or at least it would have been if +you hadn't lost your yacht." + +"That was great luck too," he observed nonchalantly. "It cost me ten +thousand dollars a month keeping that yacht in commission. Now she's +gone I save all that. Why it's like finding money in the street, +Ananias. She wasn't worth more than fifty thousand dollars, and in six +months I'll be ten thousand ahead." + +I could not but admire the cheerful philosophy of the man, but then I +was not surprised. Munchausen was never the sort of man to let little +things worry him. + +"But that whale business wasn't a circumstance to my catch of three +tons of trout with a single cast of a horse-whip in the Blue Hills," +said the Baron after a few moments of meditation, during which I could +see that he was carefully marshalling his facts. + +"I never heard of its equal," said I. "You must have used a derrick." + +"No," he replied suavely. "Nothing of the sort. It was the simplest +thing in the world. It was along about five o'clock in the afternoon +when with my three guides and my valet I drove up the winding roadway +of Great Sulphur Mountain on my way to the Blue Mountain House where I +purposed to put up for a few days. I had one of those big mountain +wagons with a covered top to it such as the pioneers used on the +American plains, with six fine horses to the fore. I held the reins +myself, since we were in the midst of a terrific thunderstorm and I +felt safer when I did my own driving. All the flaps of the leathern +cover were let down at the sides and at the back, and were securely +fastened. The roads were unusually heavy, and when we came to the last +great hill before the lake all but I were walking, as a measure of +relief to the horses. Suddenly one of the horses balked right in the +middle of the ascent, and in a moment of impatience I gave him a +stinging flick with my whip, when like a whirlwind the whole six +swerved to one side and started on a dead run upward. The jolt and the +unexpected swerving of the wagon threw me from my seat and I landed +clear of the wheels in the soft mud of the roadway, fortunately +without injury. When I arose the team was out of sight and we had to +walk the remainder of the distance to the hotel. Imagine our surprise +upon arriving there to find the six panting steeds and the wagon +standing before the main entrance to the hotel dripping as though they +had been through the Falls of Niagara, and, would you believe it, +Ananias, inside that leather cover of the wagon, packed as tightly as +sardines, were no less than three thousand trout, not one of them +weighing less than a pound and some of them getting as high as four. +The whole catch weighed a trifle over six thousand pounds." + +"Great Heavens, Baron," I cried. "Where the dickens did they come +from?" + +"That's what I asked myself," said the Baron easily. "It seemed +astounding at first glance, but investigation showed it after all to +be a very simple proposition. The runaways after reaching the top of +the hill turned to the left, and clattered on down toward the bridge +over the inlet to the lake. The bridge broke beneath their weight and +the horses soon found themselves struggling in the water. The harness +was strong and the wagon never left them. They had to swim for it, and +I am told by a small boy who was fishing on the lake at the time that +they swam directly across it, pulling the wagon after them. Naturally +with its open front and confined back and sides the wagon acted as a +sort of drag-net and when the opposite shore was gained, and the wagon +was pulled ashore, it was found to have gathered in all the fish that +could not get out of the way." + +The Baron resumed his cigar, and I sat still eyeing the ample pattern +of the drawing-room carpet. + +"Pretty good catch for an afternoon, eh?" he said in a minute. + +"Yes," said I. "Almost too good, Baron. Those horses must have swam +like the dickens to get over so quickly. You would think the trout +would have had time to escape." + +"Oh I presume one or two of them did," said Munchausen. "But the +majority of them couldn't. The horses were all fast, record-breakers +anyhow. I never hire a horse that isn't." + +And with that I left the old gentleman and walked blushing back to the +office. I don't doubt for an instant the truth of the Baron's story, +but somehow or other I feel that in writing it my reputation is in +some measure at stake. + + NOTE--Mr. Munchausen, upon request of the Editor of the + _Gehenna Gazette_ to write a few stories of adventure for his + Imp's page, conducted by Sapphira, contributed the tales which + form the substance of several of the following chapters. + + + + +III + +THREE MONTHS IN A BALLOON + + +Mr. Munchausen was not handsome, but the Imps liked him very much, he +was so full of wonderful reminiscences, and was always willing to tell +anybody that would listen, all about himself. To the Heavenly Twins he +was the greatest hero that had ever lived. Napoleon Bonaparte, on Mr. +Munchausen's own authority, was not half the warrior that he, the late +Baron had been, nor was Caesar in his palmiest days, one-quarter so +wise or so brave. How old the Baron was no one ever knew, but he had +certainly lived long enough to travel the world over, and stare every +kind of death squarely in the face without flinching. He had fought +Zulus, Indians, tigers, elephants--in fact, everything that fights, +the Baron had encountered, and in every contest he had come out +victorious. He was the only man the children had ever seen that had +lost three legs in battle and then had recovered them after the fight +was over; he was the only visitor to their house that had been lost in +the African jungle and wandered about for three months without food or +shelter, and best of all he was, on his own confession, the most +truthful narrator of extraordinary tales living. The youngsters had to +ask the Baron a question only, any one, it mattered not what it +was--to start him off on a story of adventure, and as he called upon +the Twins' father once a month regularly, the children were not long +in getting together a collection of tales beside which the most +exciting episodes in history paled into insignificant commonplaces. + +"Uncle Munch," said the Twins one day, as they climbed up into the +visitor's lap and disarranged his necktie, "was you ever up in a +balloon?" + +"Only once," said the Baron calmly. "But I had enough of it that time +to last me for a lifetime." + +"Was you in it for long?" queried the Twins, taking the Baron's watch +out of his pocket and flinging it at Cerberus, who was barking outside +of the window. + +"Well, it seemed long enough," the Baron answered, putting his +pocket-book in the inside pocket of his vest where the Twins could not +reach it. "Three months off in the country sleeping all day long and +playing tricks all night seems a very short time, but three months in +a balloon and the constant centre of attack from every source is too +long for comfort." + +"Were you up in the air for three whole months?" asked the Twins, +their eyes wide open with astonishment. + +"All but two days," said the Baron. "For two of those days we rested +in the top of a tree in India. The way of it was this: I was always, +as you know, a great favourite with the Emperor Napoleon, of France, +and when he found himself involved in a war with all Europe, he +replied to one of his courtiers who warned him that his army was not +in condition: 'Any army is prepared for war whose commander-in-chief +numbers Baron Munchausen among his advisers. Let me have Munchausen at +my right hand and I will fight the world.' So they sent for me and as +I was not very busy I concluded to go and assist the French, although +the allies and I were also very good friends. I reasoned it out this +way: In this fight the allies are the stronger. They do not need me. +Napoleon does. Fight for the weak, Munchausen, I said to myself, and +so I went. Of course, when I reached Paris I went at once to the +Emperor's palace and remained at his side until he took the field, +after which I remained behind for a few days to put things to rights +for the Imperial family. Unfortunately for the French, the King of +Prussia heard of my delay in going to the front, and he sent word to +his forces to intercept me on my way to join Napoleon at all hazards, +and this they tried to do. When I was within ten miles of the +Emperor's headquarters, I was stopped by the Prussians, and had it not +been that I had provided myself with a balloon for just such an +emergency, I should have been captured and confined in the King's +palace at Berlin, until the war was over. + +"Foreseeing all this, I had brought with me a large balloon packed +away in a secret section of my trunk, and while my body-guard was +fighting with the Prussian troops sent to capture me, I and my valet +inflated the balloon, jumped into the car and were soon high up out of +the enemy's reach. They fired several shots at us, and one of them +would have pierced the balloon had I not, by a rare good shot, fired +my own rifle at the bullet, and hitting it squarely in the middle, as +is my custom, diverted it from its course, and so saved our lives. + +"It had been my intention to sail directly over the heads of the +attacking party and drop down into Napoleon's camp the next morning, +but unfortunately for my calculations, a heavy wind came up in the +night and the balloon was caught by a northerly blast, and blown into +Africa, where, poised in the air directly over the desert of Sahara, +we encountered a dead calm, which kept us stalled up for two miserable +weeks." + +"Why didn't you come down?" asked the Twins, "wasn't the elevator +running?" + +"We didn't dare," explained the Baron, ignoring the latter part of the +question. "If we had we'd have wasted a great deal of our gas, and our +condition would have been worse than ever. As I told you we were +directly over the centre of the desert. There was no way of getting +out of it except by long and wearisome marches over the hot, burning +sands with the chances largely in favour of our never getting out +alive. The only thing to do was to stay just where we were and wait +for a favouring breeze. This we did, having to wait four mortal weeks +before the air was stirred." + +"You said two weeks a minute ago, Uncle Munch," said the Twins +critically. + +"Two? Hem! Well, yes it was two, now that I think of it. It's a +natural mistake," said the Baron stroking his mustache a little +nervously. "You see two weeks in a balloon over a vast desert of sand, +with nothing to do but whistle for a breeze, is equal to four weeks +anywhere else. That is, it seems so. Anyhow, two weeks or four, +whichever it was, the breeze came finally, and along about midnight +left us stranded again directly over an Arab encampment near Wady +Halfa. It was a more perilous position really, than the first, because +the moment the Arabs caught sight of us they began to make frantic +efforts to get us down. At first we simply laughed them to scorn and +made faces at them, because as far as we could see, we were safely out +of reach. This enraged them and they apparently made up their minds to +kill us if they could. At first their idea was to get us down alive +and sell us as slaves, but our jeers changed all that, and what should +they do but whip out a lot of guns and begin to pepper us. + +"'I'll settle them in a minute,' I said to myself, and set about +loading my own gun. Would you believe it, I found that my last bullet +was the one with which I had saved the balloon from the Prussian +shot?" + +"Mercy, how careless of you, Uncle Munch!" said one of the Twins. +"What did you do?" + +"I threw out a bag of sand ballast so that the balloon would rise just +out of range of their guns, and then, as their bullets got to their +highest point and began to drop back, I reached out and caught them in +a dipper. Rather neat idea, eh? With these I loaded my own rifle and +shot every one of the hostile party with their own ammunition, and +when the last of the attacking Arabs dropped I found there were enough +bullets left to fill the empty sand bag again, so that the lost +ballast was not missed. In fact, there were enough of them in weight +to bring the balloon down so near to the earth that our anchor rope +dangled directly over the encampment, so that my valet and I, without +wasting any of our gas, could climb down and secure all the +magnificent treasures in rugs and silks and rare jewels these robbers +of the desert had managed to get together in the course of their +depredations. When these were placed in the car another breeze came +up, and for the rest of the time we drifted idly about in the heavens +waiting for a convenient place to land. In this manner we were blown +hither and yon for three months over land and sea, and finally we were +wrecked upon a tall tree in India, whence we escaped by means of a +convenient elephant that happened to come our way, upon which we rode +triumphantly into Calcutta. The treasures we had secured from the +Arabs, unfortunately, we had to leave behind us in the tree, where I +suppose they still are. I hope some day to go back and find them." + +Here Mr. Munchausen paused for a moment to catch his breath. Then he +added with a sigh. "Of course, I went back to France immediately, but +by the time I reached Paris the war was over, and the Emperor was in +exile. I was too late to save him--though I think if he had lived some +sixty or seventy years longer I should have managed to restore his +throne, and Imperial splendour to him." + +The Twins gazed into the fire in silence for a minute or two. Then one +of them asked: + +"But what did you live on all that time, Uncle Munch?" + +"Eggs," said the Baron. "Eggs and occasionally fish. My servant had +had the foresight when getting the balloon ready to include, among the +things put into the car, a small coop in which were six pet chickens I +owned, and without which I never went anywhere. These laid enough eggs +every day to keep us alive. The fish we caught when our balloon stood +over the sea, baiting our anchor with pieces of rubber gas pipe used +to inflate the balloon, and which looked very much like worms." + +[Illustration: "As their bullets got to their highest point and began +to drop back, I reached out and caught them." _Chapter III._] + +"But the chickens?" said the Twins. "What did they live on?" + +The Baron blushed. + +"I am sorry you asked that question," he said, his voice trembling +somewhat. "But I'll answer it if you promise never to tell anyone. It +was the only time in my life that I ever practised an intentional +deception upon any living thing, and I have always regretted it, +although our very lives depended upon it." + +"What was it, Uncle Munch?" asked the Twins, awed to think that the +old warrior had ever deceived anyone. + +"I took the egg shells and ground them into powder, and fed them to +the chickens. The poor creatures supposed it was corn-meal they were +getting," confessed the Baron. "I know it was mean, but what could I +do?" + +"Nothing," said the Twins softly. "And we don't think it was so bad of +you after all. Many another person would have kept them laying eggs +until they starved, and then he'd have killed them and eaten them up. +You let them live." + +"That may be so," said the Baron, with a smile that showed how +relieved his conscience was by the Twins' suggestion. "But I couldn't +do that you know, because they were pets. I had been brought up from +childhood with those chickens." + +Then the Twins, jamming the Baron's hat down over his eyes, climbed +down from his lap and went to their play, strongly of the opinion +that, though a bold warrior, the Baron was a singularly kind, +soft-hearted man after all. + + + + +IV + +SOME HUNTING STORIES FOR CHILDREN + + +The Heavenly Twins had been off in the mountains during their summer +holiday, and in consequence had seen very little of their good old +friend, Mr. Munchausen. He had written them once or twice, and they +had found his letters most interesting, especially that one in which +he told how he had killed a moose up in Maine with his Waterbury watch +spring, and I do not wonder that they marvelled at that, for it was +one of the most extraordinary happenings in the annals of the chase. +It seems, if his story is to be believed, and I am sure that none of +us who know him has ever had any reason to think that he would deceive +intentionally; it seems, I say, that he had gone to Maine for a week's +sport with an old army acquaintance of his, who had now become a guide +in that region. Unfortunately his rifle, of which he was very fond, +and with which his aim was unerring, was in some manner mislaid on the +way, and when they arrived in the woods they were utterly without +weapons; but Mr. Munchausen was not the man to be daunted by any such +trifle as that, particularly while his friend had an old army musket, +a relic of the war, stored away in the attic of his woodland domicile. + +"Th' only trouble with that ar musket," said the old guide, "ain't so +much that she won't shoot straight, nor that she's got a kick onto her +like an unbroke mule. What I'm most afeard 'on about your shootin' +with her ain't that I think she'll bust neither, for the fact is we +ain't got nothin' for to bust her with, seein' as how ammynition is +skeerce. I got powder, an' I got waddin', but I ain't got no shot." + +"That doesn't make any difference," the Baron replied. "We can make +the shot. Have you got any plumbing in the camp? If you have, rip it +out, and I'll melt up a water-pipe into bullets." + +"No, sir," retorted the old man. "Plumbin' is one of the things I came +here to escape from." + +"Then," said the Baron, "I'll use my watch for ammunition. It is only +a three-dollar watch and I can spare it." + +With this determination, Mr. Munchausen took his watch to pieces, an +ordinary time-piece of the old-fashioned kind, and, to make a long +story short, shot for several days with the component parts of that +useful affair rammed down into the barrel of the old musket. With the +stem-winding ball he killed an eagle; with pieces of the back cover +chopped up to a fineness of medium-sized shot he brought down several +other birds, but the great feat of all was when he started for moose +with nothing but the watch-spring in the barrel of the gun. Having +rolled it up as tight as he could, fastened it with a piece of twine, +and rammed it well into the gun, he set out to find the noble animal +upon whose life he had designs. After stalking the woods for several +hours, he came upon the tracks which told him that his prey was not +far off, and in a short while he caught sight of a magnificent +creature, his huge antlers held proudly up and his great eyes full of +defiance. + +For a moment the Baron hesitated. The idea of destroying so beautiful +an animal seemed to be abhorrent to his nature, which, warrior-like as +he is, has something of the tenderness of a woman about it. A second +glance at the superb creature, however, changed all that, for the +Baron then saw that to shoot to kill was necessary, for the beast was +about to force a fight in which the hunter himself would be put upon +the defensive. + +"I won't shoot you through the head, my beauty," he said, softly, "nor +will I puncture your beautiful coat with this load of mine, but I'll +kill you in a new way." + +With this he pulled the trigger. The powder exploded, the string +binding the long black spring into a coil broke, and immediately the +strip of steel shot forth into the air, made directly toward the neck +of the rushing moose, and coiling its whole sinuous length tightly +about the doomed creature's throat strangled him to death. + +As the Twins' father said, a feat of that kind entitled the Baron to a +high place in fiction at least, if not in history itself. The Twins +were very much wrought up over the incident, particularly, when one +too-smart small imp who was spending the summer at the same hotel +where they were said that he didn't believe it,--but he was an imp who +had never seen a cheap watch, so how should he know anything about +what could be done with a spring that cannot be wound up by a great +strong man in less than ten minutes? + +As for the Baron he was very modest about the achievement, for when he +first appeared at the Twins' home after their return he had actually +forgotten all about it, and, in fact, could not recall the incident at +all, until Diavolo brought him his own letter, when, of course, the +whole matter came back to him. + +"It wasn't so very wonderful, anyhow," said the Baron. "I should not +think, for instance, of bragging about any such thing as that. It was +a simple affair all through." + +"And what did you do with the moose's antlers?" asked Angelica. "I +hope you brought 'em home with you, because I'd like to see 'em." + +"I wanted to," said the Baron, stroking the Twins' soft brown locks +affectionately. "I wanted to bring them home for your father to use as +a hat rack, dear, but they were too large. When I had removed them +from the dead animal, I found them so large that I could not get them +out of the forest, they got so tangled up in the trees. I should have +had to clear a path twenty feet wide and seven miles long to get them +even as far as my friend's hut, and after that they would have had to +be carried thirty miles through the woods to the express office." + +"I guess it's just as well after all," said Diavolo. "If they were as +big as all that, Papa would have had to build a new house to get 'em +into." + +"Exactly," said the Baron. "Exactly. That same idea occurred to me, +and for that reason I concluded not to go to the trouble of cutting +away those miles of trees. The antlers would have made a very +expensive present for your father to receive in these hard times." + +"It was a good thing you had that watch," the Twins observed, after +thinking over the Baron's adventure. "If you hadn't had that you +couldn't have killed the moose." + +"Very likely not," said the Baron, "unless I had been able to do as I +did in India thirty years ago at a man hunt." + +"What?" cried the Twins. "Do they hunt men in India?"? + +"That all depends, my dears," replied the Baron. "It all depends upon +what you mean by the word they. Men don't hunt men, but animals, great +wild beasts sometimes hunt them, and it doesn't often happen that the +men escape. In the particular man hunt I refer to I was the creature +that was being hunted, and I've had a good deal of sympathy for foxes +ever since. This was a regular fox hunt in a way, although I was the +fox, and a herd of elephants were the huntsmen." + +"How queer," said Diavolo, unscrewing one of the Baron's shirt studs +to see if he would fall apart. + +"Not half so queer as my feelings when I realised my position," said +the Baron with a shake of his head. "I was frightened half to death. +It seemed to me that I'd reached the end of my tether at last. I was +studying the fauna and flora of India, in a small Indian village, +known as ah--what was the name of that town! Ah--something like +Rathabad--no, that isn't quite it--however, one name does as well as +another in India. It was a good many miles from Calcutta, and I'd been +living there about three months. The village lay in a small valley +between two ranges of hills, none of them very high. On the other side +of the westerly hills was a great level stretch of country upon which +herds of elephants used to graze. Out of this rose these hills, very +precipitously, which was a very good thing for the people in the +valley, else those elephants would have come over and played havoc +with their homes and crops. To me the plains had a great fascination, +and I used to wander over them day after day in search of new +specimens for my collection of plants and flowers, never thinking of +the danger I ran from an encounter with these elephants, who were very +ferocious and extremely jealous of the territory they had come through +years of occupation to regard as their own. So it happened, that one +day, late in the afternoon, I was returning from an expedition over +the plains, and, as I had found a large number of new specimens, I was +feeling pretty happy. I whistled loudly as I walked, when suddenly +coming to a slight undulation in the plain what should I see before me +but a herd of sixty-three elephants, some eating, some thinking, some +romping, and some lying asleep on the soft turf. Now, if I had come +quietly, of course, I could have passed them unobserved, but as I told +you I was whistling. I forget what the tune was, The Marsellaise or +Die Wacht Am Rhein, or maybe Tommie Atkins, which enrages the +elephants very much, being the national anthem of the British invader. +At any rate, whatever the tune was it attracted the attention of the +elephants, and then their sport began. The leader lifted his trunk +high in the air, and let out a trumpet blast that echoed back from the +cliff three miles distant. Instantly every elephant was on the alert. +Those that had been sleeping awoke, and sprang to their feet. Those +that had been at play stopped in their romp, and under the leadership +of the biggest brute of the lot they made a rush for me. I had no gun; +nothing except my wits and my legs with which to defend myself, so I +naturally began to use the latter until I could get the former to +work. It was nip and tuck. They could run faster than I could, and I +saw in an instant that without stratagem I could not hope to reach a +place of safety. As I have said, the cliff, which rose straight up +from the plain like a stone-wall, was three miles away, nor was there +any other spot in which I could find a refuge. It occurred to me as I +ran that if I ran in circles I could edge up nearer to the cliff all +the time, and still keep my pursuers at a distance for the simple +reason that an elephant being more or less unwieldy cannot turn as +rapidly as a man can, so I kept running in circles. I could run around +my short circle in less time than the enemy could run around his +larger one, and in this manner I got nearer and nearer my haven of +safety, the bellowing beasts snorting with rage as they followed. +Finally, when I began to see that I was tolerably safe, another idea +occurred to me, which was that if I could manage to kill those huge +creatures the ivory I could get would make my fortune. But how! That +was the question. Well, my dearly beloved Imps, I admit that I am a +fast runner, but I am also a fast thinker, and in less than two +minutes I had my plan arranged. I stopped short when about two hundred +feet from the cliff, and waited until the herd was fifty feet away. +Then I turned about and ran with all my might up to within two feet of +the cliff, and then turning sharply to the left ran off in that +direction. The elephants, thinking they had me, redoubled their speed, +but failed to notice that I had turned, so quickly was that movement +executed. They failed likewise to notice the cliff, as I had intended. +The consequence was the whole sixty-three of them rushed head first, +bang! with all their force, into the rock. The hill shook with the +force of the blow and the sixty-three elephants fell dead. They had +simply butted their brains out." + +[Illustration: "I got nearer and nearer my haven of safety, the +bellowing beasts snorting with rage as they followed." _Chapter IV._] + +Here the Baron paused and pulled vigourously on his cigar, which had +almost gone out. + +"That was fine," said the Twins. + +"What a narrow escape it was for you, Uncle Munch," said Diavolo. + +"Very true," said the great soldier rising, as a signal that his story +was done. "In fact you might say that I had sixty-three narrow +escapes, one for each elephant." + +"But what became of the ivory?" asked Angelica. + +"Oh, as for that!" said the Baron, with a sigh, "I was disappointed in +that. They turned out to be all young elephants, and they had lost +their first teeth. Their second teeth hadn't grown yet. I got only +enough ivory to make one paper cutter, which is the one I gave your +father for Christmas last year." + +Which may account for the extraordinary interest the Twins have taken +in their father's paper cutter ever since. + + + + +V + +THE STORY OF JANG + + +"Did you ever own a dog, Baron Munchausen?" asked the reporter of the +_Gehenna Gazette_, calling to interview the eminent nobleman during +Dog Show Week in Cimmeria. + +"Yes, indeed I have," said the Baron, "I fancy I must have owned as +many as a hundred dogs in my life. To be sure some of the dogs were +iron and brass, but I was just as fond of them as if they had been +made of plush or lamb's wool. They were so quiet, those iron dogs +were; and the brass dogs never barked or snapped at any one." + +"I never saw a brass dog," said the reporter. "What good are they?" + +"Oh they are likely to be very useful in winter," the Baron replied. +"My brass dogs used to guard my fire-place and keep the blazing logs +from rolling out into my room and setting fire to the rug the Khan of +Tartary gave me for saving his life from a herd of Antipodes he and I +were hunting in the Himalaya Mountains." + +"I don't see what you needed dogs to do that for," said the reporter. +"A fender would have done just as well, or a pair of andirons," he +added. + +"That's what these dogs were," said the Baron. "They were fire dogs +and fire dogs are andirons." + +Ananias pressed his lips tightly together, and into his eyes came a +troubled look. It was evident that, revolting as the idea was to him, +he thought the Baron was trying to deceive him. Noting his +displeasure, the Baron inwardly resolving to be careful how he handled +the truth, hastened on with his story. + +"But dogs were never my favourite animals," he said. "With my pets I +am quite as I am with other things. I like to have pets that are +entirely different from the pets of other people, and that is why in +my day I have made companions of such animals as the sangaree, and the +camomile, and the--ah--the two-horned piccolo. I've had tame bees +even--in fact my bees used to be the wonder of Siam, in which country +I was stationed for three years, having been commissioned by a British +company to make a study of its climate with a view to finding out if +it would pay the company to go into the ice business there. Siam is, +as you have probably heard, a very warm country, and as ice is a very +rare thing in warm countries these English people thought they might +make a vast fortune by sending tug-boats up to the Arctic Ocean, and +with them capture and tow icebergs to Siam, where they might be cut up +and sold to the people at tremendous profit. The scheme was certainly +a good one, and I found many of the wealthy Siamese quite willing to +subscribe for a hundred pounds of ice a week at ten dollars a pound, +but it never came to anything because we had no means of preserving +the icebergs after we got them into the Gulf of Siam. The water was so +hot that they melted before we could cut them up, and we nearly got +ourselves into very serious trouble with the coast people for that +same reason. An iceberg, as you know, is a huge affair, and when a +dozen or two of them had melted in the Gulf they added so to the +quantity of water there that fifty miles of the coast line were +completely flooded, and thousands of valuable fish, able to live in +warm water only, were so chilled that they got pneumonia, and died. +You can readily imagine how indignant the Siamese fishermen were with +my company over the losses they had to bear, but their affection for +me personally was so great that they promised not to sue the company +if I would promise not to let the thing occur again. This I promised, +and all went well. But about the bees, it was while I was living in +Bangkok that I had them, and they were truly wonderful. There was +hardly anything those bees couldn't do after I got them tamed." + +"How did you tame them, Baron," asked Ananias. + +"Power of the eye, my boy," returned the Baron. "I attracted their +attention first and then held it. Of course, I tried my plan on one +bee first. He tamed the rest. Bees are very like children. They like +to play stunts--I think it is called stunts, isn't it, when one boy +does something, and all his companions try to do the same thing?" + +"Yes," said Ananias, "I believe there is such a game, but I shouldn't +like to play it with you." + +"Well, that was the way I did with the bees," said Mr. Munchausen. "I +tamed the king bee, and when he had learned all sorts of funny little +tricks, such as standing on his head and humming tunes, I let him go +back to the swarm. He was gone a week, and then he came back, he had +grown so fond of me--as well he might, because I fed him well, giving +him a large basket of flowers three times a day. Back with him came +two or three thousand other bees, and whatever Jang did they did." + +"Who was Jang?" asked Ananias. + +"That was the first bee's name. King Jang. Jang is Siamese for Billie, +and as I was always fond of the name, Billie, I called him Jang. By +and by every bee in the lot could hum the Star Spangled Banner and +Yankee Doodle as well as you or I could, and it was grand on those +soft moonlight nights we had there, to sit on the back porch of my +pagoda and listen to my bee orchestra discoursing sweet music. Of +course, as soon as Jang had learned to hum one tune it was easy enough +for him to learn another, and before long the bee orchestra could give +us any bit of music we wished to have. Then I used to give musicales +at my house and all the Siamese people, from the King down asked to be +invited, so that through my pets my home became one of the most +attractive in all Asia. + +"And the honey those bees made! It was the sweetest honey you ever +tasted, and every morning when I got down to breakfast there was a +fresh bottleful ready for me, the bees having made it in the bottle +itself over night. They were the most grateful pets I ever had, and +once they saved my life. They used to live in a hive I had built for +them in one corner of my room and I could go to bed and sleep with +every door in my house open, and not be afraid of robbers, because +those bees were there to protect me. One night a lion broke loose from +the Royal Zoo, and while trotting along the road looking for something +to eat he saw my front door wide open. In he walked, and began to +sniff. He sniffed here and he sniffed there, but found nothing but a +pot of anchovy paste, which made him thirstier and hungrier than ever. +So he prowled into the parlour, and had his appetite further +aggravated by a bronze statue of the Emperor of China I had there. He +thought in the dim light it was a small-sized human being, and he +pounced on it in a minute. Well, of course, he couldn't make any +headway trying to eat a bronze statue, and the more he tried the more +hungry and angry he got. He roared until he shook the house and would +undoubtedly have awakened me had it not been that I am always a sound +sleeper and never wake until I have slept enough. Why, on one +occasion, on the Northern Pacific Railway, a train I was on ran into +and completely telescoped another while I was asleep in the smoking +car, and although I was severely burned and hurled out of the car +window to land sixty feet away on the prairie, I didn't wake up for +two hours. I was nearly buried alive because they thought I'd been +killed, I lay so still. + +"But to return to the bees. The roaring of the lion disturbed them, +and Jang buzzed out of his hive to see what was the matter just as the +lion appeared at my bed-room door. The intelligent insect saw in a +moment what the trouble was, and he sounded the alarm for the rest of +the bees, who came swarming out of the hive in response to the +summons. Jang kept his eye on the lion meanwhile, and just as the +prowler caught sight of your uncle peacefully snoring away on the bed, +dreaming of his boyhood, and prepared to spring upon me, Jang buzzed +over and sat down upon his back, putting his sting where it would do +the most good. The angry lion, who in a moment would have fastened his +teeth upon me, turned with a yelp of pain, and the bite which was to +have been mine wrought havoc with his own back. Following Jang's +example, the other bees ranged themselves in line over the lion's +broad shoulders, and stung him until he roared with pain. Each time he +was stung he would whisk his head around like a dog after a flea, and +bite himself, until finally he had literally chewed himself up, when +he fainted from sheer exhaustion, and I was saved. You can imagine my +surprise when next morning I awakened to find a dying lion in my +room." + +"But, Baron," said Ananias. "I don't understand one thing about it. If +you were fast asleep while all this was happening how did you know +that Jang did those things?" + +[Illustration: "Jang buzzed over and sat down upon his back, putting +his sting where it would do the most good." _Chapter V._] + +"Why, Jang told me himself," replied the Baron calmly. + +"Could he talk?" cried Ananias in amazement. + +"Not as you and I do," said the Baron. "Of course not, but Jang could +spell. I taught him how. You see I reasoned it out this way. If a bee +can be taught to sing a song which is only a story in music, why can't +he be taught to tell a story in real words. It was worth trying +anyhow, and I tried. Jang was an apt pupil. He was the most +intelligent bee I ever met, and it didn't take me more than a month to +teach him his letters, and when he once knew his letters it was easy +enough to teach him how to spell. I got a great big sheet and covered +it with twenty-six squares, and in each of these squares I painted a +letter of the alphabet, so that finally when Jang came to know them, +and wanted to tell me anything he would fly from one square to another +until he had spelled out whatever he wished to say. I would follow his +movements closely, and we got so after awhile that we could converse +for hours without any trouble whatsoever. I really believe that if +Jang had been a little heavier so that he could push the keys down far +enough he could have managed a typewriter as well as anybody, and when +I think about his wonderful mind and delicious fancy I deeply regret +that there never was a typewriting machine so delicately made that a +bee of his weight could make it go. The world would have been very +much enriched by the stories Jang had in his mind to tell, but it is +too late now. He is gone forever." + +"How did you lose Jang, Baron?" asked Ananias, with tears in his eyes. + +"He thought I had deceived him," said the Baron, with a sigh. "He was +as much of a stickler for truth as I am. An American friend of mine +sent me a magnificent parterre of wax flowers which were so perfectly +made that I couldn't tell them from the real. I was very proud of +them, and kept them in my room near the hive. When Jang and his tribe +first caught sight of them they were delighted and they sang as they +had never sung before just to show how pleased they were. Then they +set to work to make honey out of them. They must have laboured over +those flowers for two months before I thought to tell them that they +were only wax and not at all real. As I told Jang this, I +unfortunately laughed, thinking that he could understand the joke of +the thing as well as I, but I was mistaken. All that he could see was +that he had been deceived, and it made him very angry. Bees don't seem +to have a well-developed sense of humour. He cast a reproachful glance +at me and returned to his hive and on the morning of the third day +when I waked up they were moving out. They flew to my lattice and +ranged themselves along the slats and waited for Jang. In a moment he +appeared and at a given signal they buzzed out of my sight, humming a +farewell dirge as they went. I never saw them again." + +Here the Baron wiped his eyes. + +"I felt very bad about it," he went on, "and resolved then never again +to do anything which even suggested deception, and when several years +later I had my crest designed I had a bee drawn on it, for in my eyes +my good friend the bee, represents three great factors of the good and +successful life--Industry, Fidelity, and Truth." + +Whereupon the Baron went his way, leaving Ananias to think it over. + + + + +VI + +HE TELLS THE TWINS OF FIRE-WORKS + + +There was a great noise going on in the public square of Cimmeria when +Mr. Munchausen sauntered into the library at the home of the Heavenly +Twins. + +"These Americans are having a great time of it celebrating their +Fourth of July," said he, as the house shook with the explosion of a +bomb. "They've burnt powder enough already to set ten revolutions +revolving, and they're going to outdo themselves to-night in the park. +They've made a bicycle out of the two huge pin-wheels, and they're +going to make Benedict Arnold ride a mile on it after it's lit." + +The Twins appeared much interested. They too had heard much of the +celebration and some of its joys and when the Baron arrived they were +primed with questions. + +"Uncle Munch," they said, helping the Baron to remove his hat and +coat, which they threw into a corner so anxious were they to get to +work, "do you think there's much danger in little boys having +fire-crackers and rockets and pin-wheels, or in little girls having +torpeters?" + +"Well, I don't know," the Baron answered, warily. "What does your +venerable Dad say about it?" + +"He thinks we ought to wait until we are older, but we don't," said +the Twins. + +"Torpeters never sets nothing afire," said Angelica. + +"That's true," said the Baron, kindly; "but after all your father is +right. Why do you know what happened to me when I was a boy?" + +"You burnt your thumb," said the Twins, ready to make a guess at it. + +"Well, you get me a cigar, and I'll tell you what happened to me when +I was a boy just because my father let me have all the fire-works I +wanted, and then perhaps you will see how wise your father is in not +doing as you wish him to," said Mr. Munchausen. + +The Twins readily found the desired cigar, after which Mr. Munchausen +settled down comfortably in the hammock, and swinging softly to and +fro, told his story. + +"My dear old father," said he, "was the most indulgent man that ever +lived. He'd give me anything in the world that I wanted whether he +could afford it or not, only he had an original system of giving which +kept him from being ruined by indulgence of his children. He gave me a +Rhine steamboat once without its costing him a cent. I saw it, wanted +it, was beginning to cry for it, when he patted me on the head and +told me I could have it, adding, however, that I must never take it +away from the river or try to run it myself. That satisfied me. All I +wanted really was the happiness of feeling it was mine, and my dear +old daddy gave me permission to feel that way. The same thing happened +with reference to the moon. He gave it to me freely and ungrudgingly. +He had received it from his father, he said, and he thought he had +owned it long enough. Only, he added, as he had about the steamboat, I +must leave it where it was and let other people look at it whenever +they wanted to, and not interfere if I found any other little boys or +girls playing with its beams, which I promised and have faithfully +observed to this day. + +"Of course from such a parent as this you may very easily see +everything was to be expected on such a day as the Tenth of August +which the people in our region celebrated because it was my birthday. +He used to let me have my own way at all times, and it's a wonder I +wasn't spoiled. I really can't understand how it is that I have become +the man I am, considering how I was indulged when I was small. + +"However, like all boys, I was very fond of celebrating the Tenth, and +being a more or less ingenious lad, I usually prepared my own +fire-works and many things happened which might not otherwise have +come to pass if I had been properly looked after as you are. The first +thing that happened to me on the Tenth of August that would have a +great deal better not have happened, was when I was--er--how old are +you Imps?" + +"Sixteen," said they. "Going on eighteen." + +"Nonsense," said the Baron. "Why you're not more than eight." + +"Nope--we're sixteen," said Diavolo. "I'm eight and Angelica's eight +and twice eight is sixteen." + +"Oh," said the Baron. "I see. Well, that was exactly the age I was at +the time. Just eight to a day." + +"Sixteen we said," said the Twins. + +"Yes," nodded the Baron. "Just eight, but going on towards sixteen. My +father had given me ten thalers to spend on noises, but unlike most +boys I did not care so much for noises as I did for novelties. It +didn't give me any particular pleasure to hear a giant cracker go off +with a bang. What I wanted to do most of all was to get up some kind +of an exhibition that would please the people and that could be seen +in the day-time instead of at night when everybody is tired and +sleepy. So instead of spending my money on fire-crackers and torpedoes +and rockets, I spent nine thalers of it on powder and one thaler on +putty blowers. My particular object was to make one grand effort and +provide passers-by with a free exhibition of what I was going to call +'Munchausen's Grand Geyser Cascade.' To do this properly I had set my +eye upon a fish pond not far from the town hall. It was a very deep +pond and about a mile in circumference, I should say. Putty blowers +were then selling at five for a pfennig and powder was cheap as sand +owing to the fact that the powder makers, expecting a war, had made a +hundred times as much as was needed, and as the war didn't come off, +they were willing to take almost anything they could get for it. The +consequence was that the powder I got was sufficient in quantity to +fill a rubber bag as large as five sofa cushions. This I sank in the +middle of the pond, without telling anybody what I intended to do, and +through the putty blowers, sealed tightly together end to end, I +conducted a fuse, which I made myself, from the powder bag to the +shore. My idea was that I could touch the thing off, you know, and +that about sixty square feet of the pond would fly up into the air and +then fall gracefully back again like a huge fountain. If it had worked +as I expected everything would have been all right, but it didn't. I +had too much powder, for a second after I had lit the fuse there came +a muffled roar and the whole pond in a solid mass, fish and all, went +flying up into the air and disappeared. Everybody was astonished, not +a few were very much frightened. I was scared to death but I never let +on to any one that I was the person that had blown the pond off. How +high the pond went I don't know, but I do know that for a week there +wasn't any sign of it, and then most unexpectedly out of what appeared +to be a clear sky there came the most extraordinary rain-storm you +ever saw. It literally poured down for two days, and, what I alone +could understand, with it came trout and sunfish and minnows, and most +singular to all but myself an old scow that was recognised as the +property of the owner of the pond suddenly appeared in the sky falling +toward the earth at a fearful rate of speed. When I saw the scow +coming I was more frightened than ever because I was afraid it might +fall upon and kill some of our neighbours. Fortunately, however, this +possible disaster was averted, for it came down directly over the +sharp-pointed lightning-rod on the tower of our public library and +stuck there like a piece of paper on a file. + +"The rain washed away several acres of finely cultivated farms, but +the losses on crops and fences and so forth were largely reduced by +the fish that came with the storm. One farmer took a rake and caught +three hundred pounds of trout, forty pounds of sun-fish, eight +turtles, and a minnow in his potato patch in five minutes. Others were +almost as fortunate, but the damage was sufficiently large to teach me +that parents cannot be too careful about what they let their children +do on the day they celebrate." + +"And weren't you ever punished?" asked the Twins. + +"No, indeed," said the Baron. "Nobody ever knew that I did it because +I never told them. In fact you are the only two persons who ever heard +about it, and you mustn't tell, because there are still a number of +farmers around that region who would sue me for damages in case they +knew that I was responsible for the accident." + +[Illustration: "Out of what appeared to be a clear sky came the most +extraordinary rain storm you ever saw." _Chapter VI._] + +"That was pretty awful," said the Twins. "But we don't want to blow up +ponds so as to get cascadeses, but we do want torpeters. Torpeters +aren't any harm, are they, Uncle Munch?" + +"Well, you can never tell. It all depends on the torpedo. Torpedoes +are sometimes made carelessly," said the Baron. "They ought to be made +as carefully as a druggist makes pills. So many pebbles, so much +paper, and so much saltpeter and sulphur, or whatever else is used to +make them go off. I had a very unhappy time once with a carelessly +made torpedo. I had two boxes full. They were those tin-foil torpedoes +that little girls are so fond of, and I expected they would make quite +a lot of noise, but the first ten I threw down didn't go off at all. +The eleventh for some reason or other, I never knew exactly what, I +hurled with all my force against the side of my father's barn, and my, +what a surprise it was! It smashed in the whole side of the barn and +sent seven bales of hay, and our big farm plough bounding down the +hillside into the town. The hay-bales smashed down fences; one of them +hit a cow-shed on its way down, knocked the back of it to smithereens +and then proceeded to demolish the rear end of a small crockery shop +that fronted on the main street. It struck the crockery shop square in +the middle of its back and threw down fifteen dozen cups and saucers, +thirty-two water pitchers, and five china busts of Shakespeare. The +din was frightful--but I couldn't help that. Nobody could blame me, +because I had no means of knowing that the man who made the torpedoes +was careless and had put a solid ball of dynamite into one of them. So +you see, my dear Imps, that even torpedoes are not always safe." + +"Yes," said Angelica. "I guess I'll play with my dolls on my birthday. +They never goes off and blows things up." + +"That's very wise of you," said the Baron. + +"But what became of the plough, Uncle Munch?" said Diavolo. + +"Oh, the plough didn't do much damage," replied Mr. Munchausen. "It +simply furrowed its way down the hill, across the main street, to the +bowling green. It ploughed up about one hundred feet of this before it +stopped, but nobody minded that much because it was to have been +ploughed and seeded again anyhow within a few days. Of course the +furrow it made in crossing the road was bad, and to make it worse the +share caught one of the water pipes that ran under the street, and +ripped it in two so that the water burst out and flooded the street +for a while, but one hundred and sixty thousand dollars would have +covered the damage." + +The Twins were silent for a few moments and then they asked: + +"Well, Uncle Munch, what kind of fire-works are safe anyhow?" + +"My experience has taught me that there are only two kinds that are +safe," replied their old friend. "One is a Jack-o-lantern and the +other is a cigar, and as you are not old enough to have cigars, if you +will put on your hats and coats and go down into the garden and get me +two pumpkins, I'll make each of you a Jack-o'-lantern. What do you +say?" + +"We say yes," said the Twins, and off they went, while the Baron +turning over in the hammock, and arranging a pillow comfortably under +his head, went to sleep to dream of more birthday recollections in +case there should be a demand for them later on. + + + + +VII + +SAVED BY A MAGIC LANTERN + + +When the Sunday dinner was over, the Twins, on Mr. Munchausen's +invitation, climbed into the old warrior's lap, Angelica kissing him +on the ear, and Diavolo giving his nose an affectionate tweak. + +"Ah!" said the Baron. "That's it!" + +"What's what, Uncle Munch?" demanded Diavolo. + +"Why that," returned the Baron. "I was wondering what it was I needed +to make my dinner an unqualified success. There was something lacking, +but what it was, we have had so much, I could not guess until you two +Imps kissed me and tweaked my nasal feature. Now I know, for really a +feeling of the most blessed contentment has settled upon my soul." + +"Don't you wish _you_ had two youngsters like us, Uncle Munch?" asked +the Twins. + +"Do I wish I had? Why I have got two youngsters like you," the Baron +replied. "I've got 'em right here too." + +"Where?" asked the Twins, looking curiously about them for the other +two. + +"On my knees, of course," said he. "You are mine. Your papa gave you +to me--and you are as like yourselves as two peas in a pod." + +"I--I hope you aren't going to take us away from here," said the +Twins, a little ruefully. They were very fond of the Baron, but they +didn't exactly like the idea of being given away. + +"Oh no--not at all," said the Baron. "Your father has consented to +keep you here for me and your mother has kindly volunteered to look +after you. There is to be no change, except that you belong to me, +and, vice versa, I belong to you." + +"And I suppose, then," said Diavolo, "if you belong to us you've got +to do pretty much what we tell you to?" + +"Exactly," responded Mr. Munchausen. "If you should ask me to tell you +a story I'd have to do it, even if you were to demand the full +particulars of how I spent Christmas with Mtulu, King of the Taafe +Eatars, on the upper Congo away down in Africa--which is a tale I have +never told any one in all my life." + +"It sounds as if it might be interesting," said the Twins. "Those are +real candy names, aren't they?" + +"Yes," said the Baron. "Taafe sounds like taffy and Mtulu is very +suggestive of chewing gum. That's the curious thing about the savage +tribes of Africa. Their names often sound as if they might be things +to eat instead of people. Perhaps that is why they sometimes eat each +other--though, of course, I won't say for sure that that is the real +explanation of cannibalism." + +"What's cannon-ballism?" asked Angelica. + +"He didn't say cannon-ballism," said Diavolo, scornfully. "It was +candy-ballism." + +"Well--you've both come pretty near it," said the Baron, "and we'll +let the matter rest there, or I won't have time to tell you how +Christmas got me into trouble with King Mtulu." + +The Baron called for a cigar, which the Twins lighted for him and then +he began. + +"You may not have heard," he said, "that some twenty or thirty years +ago I was in command of an expedition in Africa. Our object was to +find Lake Majolica, which we hoped would turn up half way between +Lollokolela and the Clebungo Mountains. Lollokolela was the +furthermost point to which civilisation had reached at that time, and +was directly in the pathway to the Clebungo Mountains, which the +natives said were full of gold and silver mines and scattered all over +which were reputed to be caves in which diamonds and rubies and other +gems of the rarest sort were to be found in great profusion. No white +man had ever succeeded in reaching this marvellously rich range of +hills for the reason that after leaving Lollokolela there was, as far +as was known, no means of obtaining water, and countless adventurous +spirits had had to give up because of the overpowering thirst which +the climate brought upon them. + +"Under such circumstances it was considered by a company of gentlemen +in London to be well worth their while to set about the discovery of a +lake, which they decided in advance to call Majolica, for reasons best +known to themselves; they probably wanted to jar somebody with it. And +to me was intrusted the mission of leading the expedition. I will +confess that I did not want to go for the very good reason that I did +not wish to be eaten alive by the savage tribes that infested that +region, but the company provided me with a close fitting suit of mail, +which I wore from the time I started until I returned. It was very +fortunate for me that I was so provided, for on three distinct +occasions I was served up for state dinners and each time successfully +resisted the carving knife and as a result, was thereafter well +received, all the chiefs looking upon me as one who bore a charmed +existence." + +Here the Baron paused long enough for the Twins to reflect upon and +realise the terrors which had beset him on his way to Lake Majolica, +and be it said that if they had thought him brave before they now +deemed him a very hero of heroes. + +"When I set out," said the Baron, "I was accompanied by ten Zanzibaris +and a thousand tins of condensed dinners." + +"A thousand what, Uncle Munch?" asked Jack, his mouth watering. + +"Condensed dinners," said the Baron, "I had a lot of my favourite +dinners condensed and put up in tins. I didn't expect to be gone more +than a year and a thousand dinners condensed and tinned, together with +the food I expected to find on the way, elephant meat, rhinoceros +steaks, and tiger chops, I thought would suffice for the trip. I could +eat the condensed dinners and my followers could have the elephant's +meat, rhinoceros steaks, and tiger chops--not to mention the bananas +and other fruits which grow wild in the African jungle. It was not +long, however, before I made the discovery that the Zanzibaris, in +order to eat tigers, need to learn first how to keep tigers from +eating them. We went to bed late one night on the fourth day out from +Lollokolela, and when we waked up the next morning every mother's son +of us, save myself, had been eaten by tigers, and again it was nothing +but my coat of mail that saved me. There were eighteen tigers' teeth +sticking into the sleeve of the coat, as it was. You can imagine my +distress at having to continue the search for Lake Majolica alone. It +was then that I acquired the habit of talking to myself, which has +kept me young ever since, for I enjoy my own conversation hugely, and +find myself always a sympathetic listener. I walked on for days and +days, until finally, on Christmas Eve, I reached King Mtulu's palace. +Of course your idea of a palace is a magnificent five-story building +with beautiful carvings all over the front of it, marble stair-cases +and handsomely painted and gilded ceilings. King Mtulu's palace was +nothing of the sort, although for that region it was quite +magnificent, the walls being decorated with elephants' tusks, +crocodile teeth and many other treasures such as delight the soul of +the Central African. + +"Now as I may not have told you, King Mtulu was the fiercest of the +African chiefs, and it is said that up to the time when I outwitted +him no white man had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale. +Consequently, when without knowing it on this sultry Christmas Eve, +laden with the luggage and the tinned dinners and other things I had +brought with me I stumbled upon the blood-thirsty monarch I gave +myself up for lost. + +"'Who comes here to disturb the royal peace?' cried Mtulu, savagely, +as I crossed the threshold. + +"'It is I, your highness,' I returned, my face blanching, for I +recognized him at once by the ivory ring he wore in the end of his +nose. + +"'Who is I?' retorted Mtulu, picking up his battle axe and striding +forward. + +"A happy thought struck me then. These folks are superstitious. +Perhaps the missionaries may have told these uncivilised creatures the +story of Santa Claus. I will pretend that I am Santa Claus. So I +answered, 'Who is I, O Mtulu, Bravest of the Taafe Chiefs? I am Santa +Claus, the Children's Friend, and bearer of gifts to and for all.' + +"Mtulu gazed at me narrowly for a moment and then he beat lightly upon a +tom-tom at his side. Immediately thirty of the most villainous-looking +natives, each armed with a club, appeared. + +"'Arrest that man,' said Mtulu, 'before he goes any farther. He is an +impostor.' + +"'If your majesty pleases,' I began. + +"'Silence!' he cried, 'I am fierce and I eat men, but I love truth. +The truthful man has nothing to fear from me, for I have been +converted from my evil ways and since last New Year's day I have eaten +only those who have attempted to deceive me. You will be served raw at +dinner to-morrow night. My respect for your record as a man of courage +leads me to spare you the torture of the frying-pan. You are Baron +Munchausen. I recognized you the moment you turned pale. Another man +would have blushed.' + +"So I was carried off and shut up in a mud hovel, the interior walls +of which were of white, a fact which strangely enough, preserved my +life when later I came to the crucial moment. I had brought with me, +among other things, for my amusement solely, a magic lantern. As a +child, I had always been particularly fond of pictures, and when I +thought of the lonely nights in Africa, with no books at hand, no +theatres, no cotillions to enliven the monotony of my life, I resolved +to take with me my little magic-lantern as much for company as for +anything else. It was very compact in form. It folded up to be hardly +larger than a wallet containing a thousand one dollar bills, and the +glass lenses of course could be carried easily in my trousers pockets. +The views, instead of being mounted on glass, were put on a substance +not unlike glass, but thinner, called gelatine. All of these things I +carried in my vest pockets, and when Mtulu confiscated my luggage the +magic lantern and views of course escaped his notice. + +"Christmas morning came and passed and I was about to give myself up +for lost, for Mtulu was not a king to be kept from eating a man by +anything so small as a suit of mail, when I received word that before +dinner my captor and his suite were going to pay me a formal parting +call. Night was coming on and as I sat despondently awaiting the +king's arrival, I suddenly bethought me of a lantern slide of the +British army, standing and awaiting the command to fire, I happened to +have with me. It was a superb view--lifelike as you please. Why not +throw that on the wall and when Mtulu enters he will find me +apparently with a strong force at my command, thought I. It was no +sooner thought than it was done and my life was saved. Hardly was that +noble picture reflected upon the rear wall of my prison when the door +opened and Mtulu, followed by his suite, appeared. I rose to greet +him, but apparently he saw me not. Mute with terror he stood upon the +threshold gazing at that terrible line of soldiers ready as he thought +to sweep him and his men from the face of the earth with their +death-dealing bullets. + +[Illustration: "'I am your slave,' he replied to my greeting, kneeling +before me, 'I yield all to you.'" _Chapter VII._] + +"'I am your slave,' he replied to my greeting, kneeling before me, 'I +yield all to you.' + +"'I thought you would,' said I. 'But I ask nothing save the discovery +of Lake Majolica. If within twenty-four hours Lake Majolica is not +discovered I give the command to fire!' Then I turned and gave the +order to carry arms, and lo! by a quick change of slides, the army +appeared at a carry. Mtulu gasped with terror, but accepted my +ultimatum. I was freed, Lake Majolica was discovered before ten +o'clock the next morning, and at five o'clock I was on my way home, +the British army reposing quietly in my breast pocket. It was a mighty +narrow escape!" + +"I should say so," said the Twins. "But Mtulu must have been awful +stupid not to see what it was." + +"Didn't he see through it when he saw you put the army in your +pocket?" asked Diavolo. + +"No," said the Baron, "that frightened him worse than ever, for you +see he reasoned this way. If I could carry an army in my pocket-book, +what was to prevent my carrying Mtulu himself and all his tribe off in +the same way! He thought I was a marvellous man to be able to do +that." + +"Well, we guess he was right," said the Twins, as they climbed down +from the Baron's lap to find an atlas and search the map of Africa for +Lake Majolica. This they failed to find and the Baron's explanation is +unknown to me, for when the Imps returned, the warrior had departed. + + + + +VIII + +AN ADVENTURE IN THE DESERT + + +"The editor has a sort of notion, Mr. Munchausen," said Ananias, as he +settled down in the big arm-chair before the fire in the Baron's +library, "that he'd like to have a story about a giraffe. Public taste +has a necky quality about it of late." + +"What do you say to that, Sapphira?" asked the Baron, politely turning +to Mrs. Ananias, who had called with her husband. "Are you interested +in giraffes?" + +"I like lions better," said Sapphira. "They roar louder and bite more +fiercely." + +"Well, suppose we compromise," said the Baron, "and have a story about +a poodle dog. Poodle dogs sometimes look like lions, and as a rule +they are as gentle as giraffes." + +"I know a better scheme than that," put in Ananias. "Tell us a story +about a lion and a giraffe, and if you feel disposed throw in a few +poodles for good measure. I'm writing on space this year." + +"That's so," said Sapphira, wearily. "I could say it was a story about +a lion and Ananias could call it a giraffe story, and we'd each be +right." + +"Very well," said the Baron, "it shall be a story of each, only I must +have a cigar before I begin. Cigars help me to think, and the +adventure I had in the Desert of Sahara with a lion, a giraffe, and a +slippery elm tree was so long ago that I shall have to do a great deal +of thinking in order to recall it." + +So the Baron went for a cigar, while Ananias and Sapphira winked +enviously at each other and lamented their lost glory. In a minute the +Baron returned with the weed, and after lighting it, began his story. + +"I was about twenty years old when this thing happened to me," said +he. "I had gone to Africa to investigate the sand in the Desert of +Sahara for a Sand Company in America. As you may already have heard, +sand is a very useful thing in a great many ways, more particularly +however in the building trades. The Sand Company was formed for the +purpose of supplying sand to everybody that wanted it, but land in +America at that time was so very expensive that there was very little +profit in the business. People who owned sand banks and sand lots +asked outrageous prices for their property; and the sea-shore people +were not willing to part with any of theirs because they needed it in +their hotel business. The great attraction of a seaside hotel is the +sand on the beach, and of course the proprietors weren't going to sell +that. They might better even sell their brass bands. So the Sand +Company thought it might be well to build some steam-ships, load them +with oysters, or mowing machines, or historical novels, or anything +else that is produced in the United States, and in demand elsewhere; +send them to Egypt, sell the oysters, or mowing machines, or +historical novels, and then have the ships fill up with sand from the +Sahara, which they could get for nothing, and bring it back in ballast +to the United States." + +"It must have cost a lot!" said Ananias. + +"Not at all," returned the Baron. "The profits on the oysters and +mowing machines and historical novels were so large that all expenses +both ways were more than paid, so that when it was delivered in +America the sand had really cost less than nothing. We could have +thrown it all overboard and still have a profit left. It was I who +suggested the idea to the President of the Sand Company--his name was +Bartlett, or--ah--Mulligan--or some similar well-known American name, +I can't exactly recall it now. However, Mr. Bartlett, or Mr. Mulligan, +or whoever it was, was very much pleased with the idea and asked me if +I wouldn't go to the Sahara, investigate the quality of the sand, and +report; and as I was temporarily out of employment I accepted the +commission. Six weeks later I arrived in Cairo and set out immediately +on a tour of the desert. I went alone because I preferred not to take +any one into my confidence, and besides one can always be more +independent when he has only his own wishes to consult. I also went on +foot, for the reason that camels need a great deal of care--at least +mine would have, if I'd had one, because I always like to have my +steeds well groomed whether there is any one to see them or not. So to +save myself trouble I started off alone on foot. In twenty-four hours +I travelled over a hundred miles of the desert, and the night of the +second day found me resting in the shade of a slippery elm tree in the +middle of an oasis, which after much suffering and anxiety I had +discovered. It was a beautiful moonlight night and I was enjoying it +hugely. There were no mosquitoes or insects of any kind to interfere +with my comfort. No insects could have flown so far across the sands. +I have no doubt that many of them have tried to get there, but up to +the time of my arrival none had succeeded, and I felt as happy as +though I were in Paradise. + +"After eating my supper and taking a draught of the delicious spring +water that purled up in the middle of the oasis, I threw myself down +under the elm tree, and began to play my violin, without which in +those days I never went anywhere." + +"I didn't know you played the violin," said Sapphira. "I thought your +instrument was the trombone--plenty of blow and a mighty stretch." + +"I don't--now," said the Baron, ignoring the sarcasm. "I gave it up +ten years ago--but that's a different story. How long I played that +night I don't know, but I do know that lulled by the delicious strains +of the music and soothed by the soft sweetness of the atmosphere I +soon dropped off to sleep. Suddenly I was awakened by what I thought +to be the distant roar of thunder. 'Humph!' I said to myself. 'This is +something new. A thunder storm in the Desert of Sahara is a thing I +never expected to see, particularly on a beautifully clear moonlight +night'--for the moon was still shining like a great silver ball in the +heavens, and not a cloud was anywhere to be seen. Then it occurred to +me that perhaps I had been dreaming, so I turned over to go to sleep +again. Hardly had I closed my eyes when a second ear-splitting roar +came bounding over the sands, and I knew that it was no dream, but an +actual sound that I heard. I sprang to my feet and looked about the +horizon and there, a mere speck in the distance, was something--for +the moment I thought a cloud, but in another instant I changed my +mind, for glancing through my telescope I perceived it was not a cloud +but a huge lion with the glitter of hunger in his eye. What I had +mistaken for the thunder was the roar of this savage beast. I seized +my gun and felt for my cartridge box only to discover that I had lost +my ammunition and was there alone, unarmed, in the great desert, at +the mercy of that savage creature, who was drawing nearer and nearer +every minute and giving forth the most fearful roars you ever heard. +It was a terrible moment and I was in despair. + +"'It's all up with you, Baron,' I said to myself, and then I caught +sight of the tree. It seemed my only chance. I must climb that. I +tried, but alas! As I have told you it was a slippery elm tree, and I +might as well have tried to climb a greased pole. Despite my frantic +efforts to get a grip upon the trunk I could not climb more than two +feet without slipping back. It was impossible. Nothing was left for me +to do but to take to my legs, and I took to them as well as I knew +how. My, what a run it was, and how hopeless. The beast was gaining on +me every second, and before me lay mile after mile of desert. 'Better +give up and treat the beast to a breakfast, Baron,' I moaned to +myself. 'When there's only one thing to do, you might as well do it +and be done with it. Your misery will be over the more quickly if you +stop right here.' As I spoke these words, I slowed up a little, but +the frightful roaring of the lion unnerved me for an instant, or +rather nerved me on to a spurt, which left the lion slightly more to +the rear--and which resulted in the saving of my life; for as I ran +on, what should I see about a mile ahead but another slippery elm +tree, and under it stood a giraffe who had apparently fallen asleep +while browsing among its upper branches, and filling its stomach with +its cooling cocoanuts. The giraffe had its back to me, and as I sped +on I formed my plan. I would grab hold of the giraffe's tail; haul +myself up onto his back; climb up his neck into the tree, and then +give my benefactor a blow between the eyes which would send him flying +across the desert before the lion could come along and get up into the +tree the same way I did. The agony of fear I went through as I +approached the long-necked creature was something dreadful. Suppose +the giraffe should be awakened by the roaring of the lion before I got +there and should rush off himself to escape the fate that awaited me? +I nearly dropped, I was so nervous, and the lion was now not more than +a hundred yards away. I could hear his breath as he came panting on. I +redoubled my speed; his pants came closer, closer, until at length +after what seemed a year, I reached the giraffe, caught his tail, +raised myself up to his back, crawled along his neck and dropped +fainting into the tree just as the lion sprang upon the giraffe's back +and came on toward me. What happened then I don't know, for as I have +told you I swooned away; but I do know that when I came to, the +giraffe had disappeared and the lion lay at the foot of the tree dead +from a broken neck." + +"A broken neck?" demanded Sapphira. + +"Yes," returned the Baron. "A broken neck! From which I concluded that +as the lion reached the nape of the giraffe's neck, the giraffe had +waked up and bent his head toward the earth, thus causing the lion to +fall head first to the ground instead of landing as he had expected in +the tree with me." + +"It was wonderful," said Sapphira, scornfully. + +"Yes," said Ananias, "but I shouldn't think a lion could break his +neck falling off a giraffe. Perhaps it was one of the slippery elm +cocoanuts that fell on him." + +"Well, of course," said the Baron, rising, "that would all depend upon +the height of the giraffe. Mine was the tallest one I ever saw." + +"About how tall?" asked Ananias. + +"Well," returned the Baron, thoughtfully, as if calculating, "did you +ever see the Eiffel Tower?" + +"Yes," said Ananias. + +"Well," observed the Baron, "I don't think my giraffe was more than +half as tall as that." + +With which estimate the Baron bowed his guests out of the room, and +with a placid smile on his face, shook hands with himself. + +"Mr. and Mrs. Ananias are charming people," he chuckled, "but amateurs +both--deadly amateurs." + +[Illustration: "I reached the giraffe, raised myself to his back, crawled +along his neck and dropped fainting into the tree." _Chapter VIII._] + + + + +IX + +DECORATION DAY IN THE CANNIBAL ISLANDS + + +"Uncle Munch," said Diavolo as he clambered up into the old warrior's +lap, "I don't suppose you could tell us a story about Decoration Day +could you?" + +"I think I might try," said Mr. Munchausen, puffing thoughtfully upon +his cigar and making a ring with the smoke for Angelica to catch upon +her little thumb. "I might try--but it will all depend upon whether +you want me to tell you about Decoration Day as it is celebrated in +the United States, or the way a band of missionaries I once knew in +the Cannibal Islands observed it for twenty years or more." + +"Why can't we have both stories?" said Angelica. "I think that would +be the nicest way. Two stories is twice as good as one." + +"Well, I don't know," returned Mr. Munchausen. "You see the trouble is +that in the first instance I could tell you only what a beautiful +thing it is that every year the people have a day set apart upon which +they especially honour the memory of the noble fellows who lost their +lives in defence of their country. I'm not much of a poet and it takes +a poet to be able to express how beautiful and grand it all is, and so +I should be afraid to try it. Besides it might sadden your little +hearts to have me dwell upon the almost countless number of heroes who +let themselves be killed so that their fellow-citizens might live in +peace and happiness. I'd have to tell you about hundreds and hundreds +of graves scattered over the battle fields that no one knows about, +and which, because no one knows of them, are not decorated at all, +unless Nature herself is kind enough to let a little dandelion or a +daisy patch into the secret, so that they may grow on the green grass +above these forgotten, unknown heroes who left their homes, were shot +down and never heard of afterwards." + +"Does all heroes get killed?" asked Angelica. + +"No," said Mr. Munchausen. "I and a great many others lived through +the wars and are living yet." + +"Well, how about the missionaries?" said Diavolo. "I didn't know they +had Decoration Day in the Cannibal Islands." + +"I didn't either until I got there," returned the Baron. "But they +have and they have it in July instead of May. It was one of the most +curious things I ever saw and the natives, the men who used to be +cannibals, like it so much that if the missionaries were to forget it +they'd either remind them of it or have a celebration of their own. I +don't know whether I ever told you about my first experience with the +cannibals--did I?" + +"I don't remember it, but if you had I would have," said Diavolo. + +"So would I," said Angelica. "I remember most everything you say, +except when I want you to say it over again, and even then I haven't +forgotten it." + +"Well, it happened this way," said the Baron. "It was when I was +nineteen years old. I sort of thought at that time I'd like to be a +sailor, and as my father believed in letting me try whatever I wanted +to do I took a position as first mate of a steam brig that plied +between San Francisco and Nepaul, taking San Francisco canned tomatoes +to Nepaul and bringing Nepaul pepper back to San Francisco, making +several dollars both ways. Perhaps I ought to explain to you that +Nepaul pepper is red, and hot; not as hot as a furnace fire, but hot +enough for your papa and myself when we order oysters at a club and +have them served so cold that we think they need a little more warmth +to make them palatable and digestible. You are not yet old enough to +know the meaning of such words as palatable and digestible, but some +day you will be and then you'll know what your Uncle means. At any +rate it was on the return voyage from Nepaul that the water tank on +the _Betsy S._ went stale and we had to stop at the first place we +could to fill it up with fresh water. So we sailed along until we came +in sight of an Island and the Captain appointed me and two sailors a +committee of three to go ashore and see if there was a spring anywhere +about. We went, and the first thing we knew we were in the midst of a +lot of howling, hungry savages, who were crazy to eat us. My +companions were eaten, but when it came to my turn I tried to reason +with the chief. 'Now see here, my friend,' said I, 'I'm perfectly +willing to be served up at your breakfast, if I can only be convinced +that you will enjoy eating me. What I don't want is to have my life +wasted!' 'That's reasonable enough,' said he. 'Have you got a sample +of yourself along for me to taste?' 'I have,' I replied, taking out a +bottle of Nepaul pepper, that by rare good luck I happened to have in +my pocket. 'That is a portion of my left foot powdered. It will give +you some idea of what I taste like,' I added. 'If you like that, +you'll like me. If you don't, you won't.'" + +"That was fine," said Diavolo. "You told pretty near the truth, too, +Uncle Munch, because you are hot stuff yourself, ain't you?" + +"I am so considered, my boy," said Mr. Munchausen. "The chief took a +teaspoonful of the pepper down at a gulp, and let me go when he +recovered. He said he guessed I wasn't quite his style, and he thought +I'd better depart before I set fire to the town. So I filled up the +water bag, got into the row-boat, and started back to the ship, but +the _Betsy S._ had gone and I was forced to row all the way to San +Francisco, one thousand, five hundred and sixty-two miles distant. The +captain and crew had given us all up for lost. I covered the distance +in six weeks, living on water and Nepaul pepper, and when I finally +reached home, I told my father that, after all, I was not so sure that +I liked a sailor's life. But I never forgot those cannibals or their +island, as you may well imagine. They and their home always interested +me hugely and I resolved if the fates ever drove me that way again, I +would go ashore and see how the people were getting on. The fates, +however, were a long time in drawing me that way again, for it was not +until July, ten years ago that I reached there the second time. I was +off on a yachting trip, with an English friend, when one afternoon we +dropped anchor off that Cannibal Island. + +"'Let's go ashore,' said I. 'What for?' said my host; and then I told +him the story and we went, and it was well we did so, for it was then +and there that I discovered the new way the missionaries had of +celebrating Decoration Day. + +"No sooner had we landed than we noticed that the Island had become +civilised. There were churches, and instead of tents and mud-hovels, +beautiful residences appeared here and there, through the trees. 'I +fancy this isn't the island,' said my host. 'There aren't any +cannibals about here.' I was about to reply indignantly, for I was +afraid he was doubting the truth of my story, when from the top of a +hill, not far distant, we heard strains of music. We went to see +whence it came, and what do you suppose we saw? Five hundred +villainous looking cannibals marching ten abreast along a fine street, +and, cheering them from the balconies of the houses that fronted on +the highway, were the missionaries and their friends and their +children and their wives. + +"'This can't be the place, after all,' said my host again. + +"'Yes it is,' said I, 'only it has been converted. They must be +celebrating some native festival.' Then as I spoke the procession +stopped and the head missionary followed by a band of beautiful girls, +came down from a platform and placed garlands of flowers and beautiful +wreaths on the shoulders and heads of those reformed cannibals. In +less than an hour every one of the huge black fellows was covered with +roses and pinks and fragrant flowers of all kinds, and then they +started on parade again. It was a fine sight, but I couldn't +understand what it was all done for until that night, when I dined +with the head missionary--and what do you suppose it was?" + +"I give it up," said Diavolo, "maybe the missionaries thought the +cannibals didn't have enough clothes on." + +"I guess I can't guess," said Angelica. + +"They were celebrating Decoration Day," said Mr. Munchausen. "They +were strewing flowers on the graves of departed missionaries." + +"You didn't tell us about any graves," said Diavolo. + +[Illustration: "They were celebrating Decoration Day ... strewing +flowers on the graves of departed missionaries." _Chapter IX._] + +"Why certainly I did," said the Baron. "The cannibals themselves were +the only graves those poor departed missionaries ever had. Every one +of those five hundred savages was the grave of a missionary, my dears, +and having been converted, and taught that it was not good to eat +their fellow-men, they did all in their power afterwards to show their +repentance, keeping alive the memory of the men they had treated so +badly by decorating themselves on memorial day--and one old fellow, +the savagest looking, but now the kindest-hearted being in the world, +used always to wear about his neck a huge sign, upon which he had +painted in great black letters: + + HERE LIES + JOHN THOMAS WILKINS, + SAILOR. + DEPARTED THIS LIFE, MAY 24TH, 1861. + HE WAS A MAN OF SPLENDID TASTE. + +"The old cannibal had eaten Wilkins and later when he had been +converted and realised that he himself was the grave of a worthy man, +as an expiation he devoted his life to the memory of John Thomas +Wilkins, and as a matter of fact, on the Cannibal Island Decoration +Day he would lie flat on the floor all the day, groaning under the +weight of a hundred potted plants, which he placed upon himself in +memory of Wilkins." + +Here Mr. Munchausen paused for breath, and the twins went out into the +garden to try to imagine with the aid of a few practical experiments +how a cannibal would look with a hundred potted plants adorning his +person. + + + + +X + +MR. MUNCHAUSEN'S ADVENTURE WITH A SHARK + + + Mr. and Mrs. Henry B. Ananias. + _THURSDAYS._ _CIMMERIA._ + +This was the card sent by the reporter of the _Gehenna Gazette_, and +Mrs. Ananias to Mr. Munchausen upon his return from a trip to mortal +realms concerning which many curious reports have crept into +circulation. Owing to a rumour persistently circulated at one time, +Mr. Munchausen had been eaten by a shark, and it was with the +intention of learning, if possible, the basis for the rumour that +Ananias and Sapphira called upon the redoubtable Baron of other days. + +Mr. Munchausen graciously received the callers and asked what he could +do for them. + +"Our readers, Mr. Munchausen," explained Ananias, "have been much +concerned over rumours of your death at the hands of a shark." + +"Sharks have no hands," said the Baron quietly. + +"Well--that aside," observed Ananias. "Were you killed by a shark?" + +"Not that I recall," said the Baron. "I may have been, but I don't +remember it. Indeed I recall only one adventure with a shark. That +grew out of my mission on behalf of France to the Czar of Russia. I +carried letters once from the King of France to his Imperial Coolness +the Czar." + +"What was the nature of the letters?" asked Ananias. + +"I never knew," replied the Baron. "As I have said, it was a secret +mission, and the French Government never took me into its confidence. +The only thing I know about it is that I was sent to St. Petersburg, +and I went, and in the course of time I made myself much beloved of +both the people and his Majesty the Czar. I am the only person that +ever lived that was liked equally by both, and if I had attached +myself permanently to the Czar, Russia would have been a different +country to-day." + +"What country would it have been, Mr. Munchausen," asked Sapphira +innocently, "Germany or Siam?" + +"I can't specify, my dear madame," the Baron replied. "It wouldn't be +fair. But, at any rate, I went to Russia, and was treated warmly by +everybody, except the climate, which was, as it is at all times, very +freezing. That's the reason the Russian people like the climate. It is +the only thing the Czar can't change by Imperial decree, and the +people admire its independence and endure it for that reason. But as I +have said, everybody was pleased with me, and the Czar showed me +unusual attention. He gave fetes in my honour. He gave the most +princely dinners, and I met the very best people in St. Petersburg, +and at one of these dinners I was invited to join a yachting party on +a cruise around the world. + +"Well, of course, though a landsman in every sense of the word, I am +fond of yachting, and I immediately accepted the invitation. The yacht +we went on was the Boomski Zboomah, belonging to Prince--er--now +what was that Prince's name! Something like--er--Sheeroff or +Jibski--or--er--well, never mind that. I meet so many princes it is +difficult to remember their names. We'll say his name was Jibski." + +"Suppose we do," said Ananias, with a jealous grin. "Jibski is such a +remarkable name. It will look well in print." + +"All right," said the Baron, "Jibski be it. The yacht belonged to +Prince Jibski, and she was a beauty. There was a stateroom and a +steward for everybody on board, and nothing that could contribute to a +man's comfort was left unattended to. We set sail on the 23rd of +August, and after cruising about the North coast of Europe for a week +or two, we steered the craft south, and along about the middle of +September we reached the Amphibian Islands, and anchored. It was here +that I had my first and last experience with sharks. If they had been +plain, ordinary sharks I'd have had an easy time of it, but when you +get hold of these Amphibian sharks you are likely to get yourself into +twenty-three different kinds of trouble." + +"My!" said Sapphira. "All those? Does the number include being struck +by lightning?" + +"Yes," the Baron answered, "And when you remember that there are only +twenty-four different kinds altogether you can see what a peck of +trouble an Amphibian shark can get you into. I thought my last hour +had come when I met with him. You see when we reached the Amphibian +Islands, we naturally thought we'd like to go ashore and pick the +cocoanuts and raisins and other things that grow there, and when I got +upon dry land again I felt strongly tempted to go down upon the +beautiful little beach in the harbour and take a swim. Prince Jibski +advised me against it, but I was set upon going. He told me the place +was full of sharks, but I wasn't afraid because I was always a +remarkably rapid swimmer, and I felt confident of my ability, in case +I saw a shark coming after me, to swim ashore before he could possibly +catch me, provided I had ten yards start. So in I went leaving my gun +and clothing on the beach. Oh, it was fun! The water was quite warm, +and the sandy bottom of the bay was deliciously soft and pleasant to +the feet. I suppose I must have sported in the waves for ten or +fifteen minutes before the trouble came. I had just turned a +somersault in the water, when, as my head came to the surface, I saw +directly in front of me, the unmistakable fin of a shark, and to my +unspeakable dismay not more than five feet away. As I told you, if it +had been ten yards away I should have had no fear, but five feet meant +another story altogether. My heart fairly jumped into my mouth. It +would have sunk into my boots if I had had them on, but I hadn't, so +it leaped upward into my mouth as I turned to swim ashore, by which +time the shark had reduced the distance between us by one foot. I +feared that all was up with me, and was trying to think of an +appropriate set of last words, when Prince Jibski, noting my peril, +fired one of the yacht's cannon in our direction. Ordinarily this +would have been useless, for the yacht's cannon was never loaded with +anything but a blank charge, but in this instance it was better than +if it had been loaded with ball and shot, for not only did the sound +of the explosion attract the attention of the shark and cause him to +pause for a moment, but also the wadding from the gun dropped directly +upon my back, so showing that Prince Jibski's aim was not as good as +it might have been. Had the cannon been loaded with a ball or a shell, +you can very well understand how it would have happened that yours +truly would have been killed then and there." + +"We should have missed you," said Ananias sweetly. + +"Thanks," said the Baron. "But to resume. The shark's pause gave me +the start I needed, and the heat from the burning wadding right +between my shoulders caused me to redouble my efforts to get away from +the shark and it, so that I never swam faster in my life, and was soon +standing upon the shore, jeering at my fearful pursuer, who, strange +to say, showed no inclination to stop the chase now that I was, as I +thought, safely out of his reach. I didn't jeer very long I can tell +you, for in another minute I saw why the shark didn't stop chasing me, +and why Amphibian sharks are worse than any other kind. That shark had +not only fins like all other sharks to swim with, but he had likewise +three pairs of legs that he could use on land quite as well as he +could use the fins in the water. And then began the prettiest chase +you ever saw in your life. As he emerged from the water I grabbed up +my gun and ran. Round and round the island we tore, I ahead, he thirty +or forty yards behind, until I got to a place where I could stop +running and take a hasty shot at him. Then I aimed, and fired. My aim +was good, but struck one of the huge creature's teeth, broke it off +short, and bounded off to one side. This made him more angry than +ever, and he redoubled his efforts to catch me. I redoubled mine, +until I could get another shot at him. The second shot, like the +first, struck the creature in the teeth, only this time it was more +effective. The bullet hit his jaw lengthwise, and knocked every tooth +on that side of his head down his throat. So it went. I ran. He +pursued. I fired; he lost his teeth, until finally I had knocked out +every tooth he had, and then, of course, I wasn't afraid of him, and +let him come up with me. With his teeth he could have ground me to +atoms at one bite. Without them he was as powerless as a bowl of +currant jelly, and when he opened his huge jaws, as he supposed to +bite me in two, he was the most surprised looking fish you ever saw on +land or sea to discover that the effect his jaws had upon my safety +was about as great as had they been nothing but two feather bed +mattresses." + +"You must have been badly frightened, though," said Ananias. + +"No," said the Baron. "I laughed in the poor disappointed thing's +face, and with a howl of despair, he rushed back into the sea again. I +made the best time I could back to the yacht for fear he might return +with assistance." + +"And didn't you ever see him again, Baron?" asked Sapphira. + +"Yes, but only from the deck of the yacht as we were weighing anchor," +said Mr. Munchausen. "I saw him and a dozen others like him doing +precisely what I thought they would do, going ashore to search me out +so as to have a little cold Munch for dinner. I'm glad they were +disappointed, aren't you?" + +"Yes, indeed," said Ananias and Sapphira, but not warmly. + +Ananias was silent for a moment, and then walking over to one of the +bookcases, he returned in a moment, bringing with him a huge atlas. + +"Where are the Amphibian Islands, Mr. Munchausen?" he said, opening +the book. "Show them to me on the map. I'd like to print the map with +my story." + +"Oh, I can't do that," said the Baron, "because they aren't on the map +any more. When I got back to Europe and told the map-makers about the +dangers to man on those islands, they said that the interests of +humanity demanded that they be lost. So they took them out of all the +geographies, and all the cyclopaedias, and all the other books, so that +nobody ever again should be tempted to go there; and there isn't a +school-teacher or a sailor in the world to-day who could tell you +where they are." + +"But, you know, don't you?" persisted Ananias. + +"Well, I did," said the Baron; "but, really I have had to remember so +many other things that I have forgotten that. All that I know is that +they were named from the fact that they were infested by Amphibious +animals, which are animals that can live on land as well as on water." + +"How strange!" said Sapphira. + +"It's just too queer for anything," said Ananias, "but on the whole +I'm not surprised." + +And the Baron said he was glad to hear it. + +[Illustration: "I laughed in the poor disappointed thing's face, and +with a howl of despair he rushed back into the sea." _Chapter X._] + + + + +XI + +THE BARON AS A RUNNER + + +The Twins had been on the lookout for the Baron for at least an hour, +and still he did not come, and the little Imps were beginning to feel +blue over the prospect of getting the usual Sunday afternoon story. It +was past four o'clock, and for as long a time as they could remember +the Baron had never failed to arrive by three o'clock. All sorts of +dreadful possibilities came up before their mind's eye. They pictured +the Baron in accidents of many sorts. They conjured up visions of him +lying wounded beneath the ruins of an apartment house, or something +else equally heavy that might have fallen upon him on his way from his +rooms to the station, but that he was more than wounded they did not +believe, for they knew that the Baron was not the sort of man to be +killed by anything killing under the sun. + +"I wonder where he can be?" said Angelica, uneasily to her brother, +who was waiting with equal anxiety for their common friend. + +"Oh, he's all right!" said Diavolo, with a confidence he did not +really feel. "He'll turn up all right, and even if he's two hours late +he'll be here on time according to his own watch. Just you wait and +see." + +And they did wait and they did see. They waited for ten minutes, when +the Baron drove up, smiling as ever, but apparently a little out of +breath. I should not dare to say that he was really out of breath, but +he certainly did seem to be so, for he panted visibly, and for two or +three minutes after his arrival was quite unable to ask the Imps the +usual question as to their very good health. Finally, however, the +customary courtesies of the greeting were exchanged, and the decks +were cleared for action. + +"What kept you, Uncle Munch?" asked the Twins, as they took up their +usual position on the Baron's knees. + +"What what?" replied the warrior. "Kept me? Why, am I late?" + +"Two hours," said the Twins. "Dad gave you up and went out for a +walk." + +"Nonsense," said the Baron. "I'm never that late." + +Here he looked at his watch. + +"Why I do seem to be behind time. There must be something wrong with +our time-pieces. I can't be two hours late, you know." + +"Well, let's say you are on time, then," said the Twins. "What kept +you?" + +"A very funny accident on the railroad," said the Baron lighting a +cigar. "Queerest accident that ever happened to me on the railroad, +too. Our engine ran away." + +The Twins laughed as if they thought the Baron was trying to fool +them. + +"Really," said the Baron. "I left town as usual on the two o'clock +train, which, as you know, comes through in half an hour, without a +stop. Everything went along smoothly until we reached the Vitriol +Reservoir, when much to the surprise of everybody the train came to a +stand-still. I supposed there was a cow on the track, and so kept in +my seat for three or four minutes as did every one else. Finally the +conductor came through and called to the brakeman at the end of our +car to see if his brakes were all right. + +"'It's the most unaccountable thing,' he said to me. 'Here's this +train come to a dead stop and I can't see why. There isn't a brake out +of order on any one of the cars, and there isn't any earthly reason +why we shouldn't go ahead.' + +"'Maybe somebody's upset a bottle of glue on the track,' said I. I +always like to chaff the conductor, you know, though as far as that is +concerned, I remember once when I was travelling on a South American +Railway our train was stopped by highwaymen, who smeared the tracks +with a peculiar sort of gum. They'd spread it over three miles of +track, and after the train had gone lightly over two miles of it the +wheels stuck so fast ten engines couldn't have moved it. That was a +terrible affair." + +"I don't think we ever heard of that, did we?" asked Angelica. + +"I don't remember it," said Diavolo. + +"Well, you would have remembered it, if you had ever heard of it," +said the Baron. "It was too dreadful to be forgotten--not for us, you +know, but for the robbers. It was one of the Imperial trains in +Brazil, and if it hadn't been for me the Emperor would have been +carried off and held for ransom. The train was brought to a +stand-still by this gluey stuff, as I have told you, and the +desperadoes boarded the cars and proceeded to rifle us of our +possessions. The Emperor was in the car back of mine, and the robbers +made directly for him, but fathoming their intention I followed close +upon their heels. + +"'You are our game,' said the chief robber, tapping the Emperor on the +shoulder, as he entered the Imperial car. + +"'Hands off,' I cried throwing the ruffian to one side. + +"He scowled dreadfully at me, the Emperor looked surprised, and +another one of the robbers requested to know who was I that I should +speak with so much authority. 'Who am I?' said I, with a wink at the +Emperor. 'Who am I? Who else but Baron Munchausen of the Bodenwerder +National Guard, ex-friend of Napoleon of France, intimate of the +Mikado of Japan, and famed the world over as the deadliest shot in two +hemispheres.' + +"The desperadoes paled visibly as I spoke, and after making due +apologies for interfering with the train, fled shrieking from the car. +They had heard of me before. + +"'I thank you, sir,' began the Emperor, as the would-be assassins +fled, but I cut him short. 'They must not be allowed to escape,' I +said, and with that I started in pursuit of the desperate fellows, +overtook them, and glued them with the gum they had prepared for our +detention to the face of a precipice that rose abruptly from the side +of the railway, one hundred and ten feet above the level. There I left +them. We melted the glue from the tracks by means of our steam heating +apparatus, and were soon booming merrily on our way to Rio Janeiro +when I was feted and dined continuously for weeks by the people, +though strange to say the Emperor's behaviour toward me was very +cool." + +"And did the robbers ever get down?" asked the Twins. + +"Yes, but not in a way they liked," Mr. Munchausen replied. "The sun +came out, and after a week or two melted the glue that held them to +the precipice, whereupon they fell to its base and were shattered into +pieces so small there wasn't an atom of them to be found when a month +later I passed that way again on my return trip." + +"And didn't the Emperor treat you well, Uncle Munch?" asked the Imps. + +"No--as I told you he was very cool towards me, and I couldn't +understand it, then, but I do now," said the Baron. "You see he was +very much in need of ready cash, the Emperor was, and as the taxpayers +were already growling about the expenses of the Government he didn't +dare raise the money by means of a tax. So he arranged with the +desperadoes to stop the train, capture him, and hold him for ransom. +Then when the ransom came along he was going to divide up with them. +My sudden appearance, coupled with my determination to rescue him, +spoiled his plan, you see, and so he naturally wasn't very grateful. +Poor fellow, I was very sorry for it afterward, because he really was +an excellent ruler, and his plan of raising the money he needed wasn't +a bit less honest than most other ways rulers employ to obtain revenue +for State purposes." + +"Well, now, let's get back to the runaway engine," said the Twins. +"You can tell us more about South America after you get through with +that. How did the engine come to run away?" + +"It was simple enough," said the Baron. "The engineer, after starting +the train came back into the smoking car to get a light for his pipe, +and while he was there the coupling-pin between the engine and the +train broke, and off skipped the engine twice as fast as it had been +going before. The relief from the weight of the train set its pace to +a mile a minute instead of a mile in two minutes, and there we were at +a dead stop in front of the Vitriol Station with nothing to move us +along. When the engineer saw what had happened he fainted dead away, +because you know if a collision had occurred between the runaway +engine and the train ahead he would have been held responsible." + +"Couldn't the fireman stop the engine?" asked the Twins. + +"No. That is, it wouldn't be his place to do it, and these railway +fellows are queer about that sort of thing," said the Baron. "The +engineers would go out upon a strike if the railroad were to permit a +stoker to manage the engine, and besides that the stoker wouldn't +undertake to do it at a stoker's wages, so there wasn't any help to be +looked for there. The conductor happened to be nearsighted, and so he +didn't find out that the engine was missing until he had wasted ten or +twenty minutes examining the brakes, by which time, of course, the +runaway was miles and miles up the track. Then the engineer came to, +and began to wring his hands and moan in a way that was heart-rending. +The conductor, too, began to cry, and all the brakemen left the train +and took to the woods. They weren't going to have any of the +responsibility for the accident placed on their shoulders. Whether +they will ever turn up again I don't know. But I realised as soon as +anybody else that something had to be done, so I rushed into the +telegraph office and telegraphed to all the station masters between +the Vitriol Reservoir and Cimmeria to clear the track of all trains, +freight, local, or express, or somebody would be hurt, and that I +myself would undertake to capture the runaway engine. This they all +promised to do, whereupon I bade good-bye to my fellow-travellers, and +set off up the track myself at full speed. In a minute I strode past +Sulphur Springs, covering at least eight ties at a stretch. In two +minutes I thundered past Lava Hurst, where I learned that the engine +had twenty miles start of me. I made a rapid calculation mentally--I +always was strong in mental arithmetic, which showed that unless I was +tripped up or got side-tracked somewhere I might overtake the runaway +before it reached Noxmere. Redoubling my efforts, my stride increased +to twenty ties at a jump, and I made the next five miles in two +minutes. It sounds impossible, but really it isn't so. It is hard to +run as fast as that at the start, but when you have got your start the +impetus gathered in the first mile's run sends you along faster in the +second, and so your speed increases by its own force until finally you +go like the wind. At Gasdale I had gained two miles on the engine, at +Sneakskill I was only fifteen miles behind, and upon my arrival at +Noxmere there was scarcely a mile between me and the fugitive. +Unfortunately a large crowd had gathered at Noxmere to see me pass +through, and some small boy had brought a dog along with him and the +dog stood directly in my path. If I ran over the dog it would kill him +and might trip me up. If I jumped with the impetus I had there was no +telling where I would land. It was a hard point to decide either way, +but I decided in favour of the jump, simply to save the dog's life, +for I love animals. I landed three miles up the road and ahead of the +engine, though I didn't know that until I had run ten miles farther +on, leaving the engine a hundred yards behind me at every stride. It +was at Miasmatica that I discovered my error and then I tried to stop. +It was almost in vain; I dragged my feet over the ties, but could only +slow down to a three-minute gait. Then I tried to turn around and slow +up running backward; this brought my speed down ten minutes to the +mile, which made it safe for me to run into a hay-stack at the side of +the railroad just this side of Cimmeria. Then, of course, I was all +right. I could sit down and wait for the engine, which came booming +along forty minutes later. As it approached I prepared to board it, +and in five minutes was in full control. That made it easy enough for +me to get back here without further trouble. I simply reversed the +lever, and back we came faster than I can describe, and just one hour +and a half from the time of the mishap the runaway engine was restored +to its deserted train and I reached your station here in good order. I +should have walked up, but for my weariness after that exciting run, +which as you see left me very much out of breath, and which made it +necessary for me to hire that worn-out old hack instead of walking up +as is my wont." + +[Illustration: "This brought my speed down ten minutes to the mile, +which made it safe for me to run into a haystack." _Chapter XI._] + +"Yes, we see you are out of breath," said the Twins, as the Baron +paused. "Would you like to lie down and take a rest?" + +"Above all things," said the Baron. "I'll take a nap here until your +father returns," which he proceeded at once to do. + +While he slept the two Imps gazed at him curiously, Angelica, a little +suspiciously. + +"Bub," said she, in a whisper, "do you think that was a true story?" + +"Well, I don't know," said Diavolo. "If anybody else than Uncle Munch +had told it, I wouldn't have believed it. But he hates untruth. I know +because he told me so." + +"That's the way I feel about it," said Angelica. "Of course, he can +run as fast as that, because he is very strong, but what I can't see +is how an engine ever could run away from its train." + +"That's what stumps me," said Diavolo. + + + + +XII + +MR. MUNCHAUSEN MEETS HIS MATCH + +(Reported by Henry W. Ananias for the _Gehenna Gazette_.) + + +When Mr. Munchausen, accompanied by Ananias and Sapphira, after a long +and tedious journey from Cimmeria to the cool and wooded heights of +the Blue Sulphur Mountains, entered the portals of the hotel where the +greater part of his summers are spent, the first person to greet him +was Beelzebub Sandboy,--the curly-headed Imp who acted as "Head Front" +of the Blue Sulphur Mountain House, his eyes a-twinkle and his swift +running feet as ever ready for a trip to any part of the hostelry and +back. Beelzy, as the Imp was familiarly known, as the party entered, +was in the act of carrying a half-dozen pitchers of iced-water +upstairs to supply thirsty guests with the one thing needful and best +to quench that thirst, and in his excitement at catching sight once +again of his ancient friend the Baron, managed to drop two of the +pitchers with a loud crash upon the office floor. This, however, was +not noticed by the powers that ruled. Beelzy was not perfect, and as +long as he smashed less than six pitchers a day on an average the +management was disposed not to complain. + +"There goes my friend Beelzy," said the Baron, as the pitchers fell. +"I am delighted to see him. I was afraid he would not be here this +year since I understand he has taken up the study of theology." + +"Theology?" cried Ananias. "In Hades?" + +"How foolish," said Sapphira. "We don't need preachers here." + +"He'd make an excellent one," said Mr. Munchausen. "He is a lad of +wide experience and his fish and bear stories are wonderful. If he can +make them gee, as he would put it, with his doctrines he would prove a +tremendous success. Thousands would flock to hear him for his bear +stories alone. As for the foolishness of his choice, I think it is a +very wise one. Everybody can't be a stoker, you know." + +At any rate, whatever the reasons for Beelzebub's presence, whether he +had given up the study of theology or not, there he was plying his old +vocation with the same perfection of carelessness as of yore, and +apparently no farther along in the study of theology than he was the +year before when he bade Mr. Munchausen "good-bye forever" with the +statement that now that he was going to lead a pious life the chances +were he'd never meet his friend again. + +"I don't see why they keep such a careless boy as that," said +Sapphira, as Beelzy at the first landing turned to grin at Mr. +Munchausen, emptying the contents of one of his pitchers into the lap +of a nervous old gentleman in the office below. + +"He adds an element of excitement to a not over-exciting place," +explained Mr. Munchausen. "On stormy days here the men make bets on +what fool thing Beelzy will do next. He blacked all the russet shoes +with stove polish one year, and last season in the rush of his daily +labours he filled up the water-cooler with soft coal instead of ice. +He's a great bell-boy, is my friend Beelzy." + +A little while later when Mr. Munchausen and his party had been shown +to their suite, Beelzy appeared in their drawing-room and was warmly +greeted by Mr. Munchausen, who introduced him to Mr. and Mrs. Ananias. + +"Well," said Mr. Munchausen, "you're here again, are you?" + +"No, indeed," said Beelzy. "I ain't here this year. I'm over at the +Coal-Yards shovellin' snow. I'm my twin brother that died three years +before I was born." + +"How interesting," said Sapphira, looking at the boy through her +lorgnette. + +Beelzy bowed in response to the compliment and observed to the Baron: + +"You ain't here yourself this season, be ye?" + +"No," said Mr. Munchausen, drily. "I've gone abroad. You've given up +theology I presume?" + +"Sorter," said Beelzy. "It was lonesome business and I hadn't been at +it more'n twenty minutes when I realised that bein' a missionary ain't +all jam and buckwheats. It's kind o' dangerous too, and as I didn't +exactly relish the idea o' bein' et up by Samoans an' Feejees I made +up my mind to give it up an' stick to bell-boyin' for another season +any how; but I'll see you later, Mr. Munchausen. I've got to hurry +along with this iced-water. It's overdue now, and we've got the +kickinest lot o' folks here this year you ever see. One man here the +other night got as mad as hookey because it took forty minutes to soft +bile an egg. Said two minutes was all that was necessary to bile an +egg softer'n mush, not understanding anything about the science of +eggs in a country where hens feeds on pebbles." + +"Pebbles?" cried Mr. Munchausen. "What, do they lay Roc's eggs?" + +Beelzy grinned. + +"No, sir--they lay hen's eggs all right, but they're as hard as Adam's +aunt." + +"I never heard of chickens eating pebbles," observed Sapphira with a +frown. "Do they really relish them?" + +"I don't know, Ma'am," said Beelzy. "I ain't never been on speakin' +terms with the hens, Ma'am, and they never volunteered no information. +They eat 'em just the same. They've got to eat something and up here +on these mountains there ain't anything but gravel for 'em to eat. +That's why they do it. Then when it comes to the eggs, on a diet like +that, cobblestones ain't in it with 'em for hardness, and when you +come to bite 'em it takes a week to get 'em soft, an' a steam drill to +get 'em open--an' this feller kicked at forty minutes! Most likely +he's swearin' around upstairs now because this iced-water ain't came; +and it ain't more than two hours since he ordered it neither." + +"What an unreasonable gentleman," said Sapphira. + +"Ain't he though!" said Beelzy. "And he ain't over liberal neither. +He's been here two weeks now and all the money I've got out of him was +a five-dollar bill I found on his bureau yesterday morning. There's +more money in theology than there is in him." + +With this Beelzebub grabbed up the pitcher of water, and bounded out +of the room like a frightened fawn. He disappeared into the dark of +the corridor, and a few moments later was evidently tumbling head over +heels up stairs, if the sounds that greeted the ears of the party in +the drawing-room meant anything. + +The next morning when there was more leisure for Beelzy the Baron +inquired as to the state of his health. + +"Oh it's been pretty good," said he. "Pretty good. I'm all right now, +barrin' a little gout in my right foot, and ice-water on my knee, an' +a crick in my back, an' a tired feelin' all over me generally. Ain't +had much to complain about. Had the measles in December, and the mumps +in February; an' along about the middle o' May the whoopin' cough got +a holt of me; but as it saved my life I oughtn't to kick about that." + +Here Beelzy looked gratefully at an invisible something--doubtless the +recollection in the thin air of his departed case of whooping cough, +for having rescued him from an untimely grave. + +"That is rather curious, isn't it?" queried Sapphira, gazing intently +into the boy's eyes. "I don't exactly understand how the whooping +cough could save anybody's life, do you, Mr. Munchausen?" + +"Beelzy, this lady would have you explain the situation, and I must +confess that I am myself somewhat curious to learn the details of this +wonderful rescue," said Mr. Munchausen. + +"Well, I must say," said Beelzy, with a pleased smile at the very +great consequence of his exploit in the lady's eyes, "if I was a-goin' +to start out to save people's lives generally I wouldn't have thought +a case o' whoopin' cough would be of much use savin' a man from +drownin', and I'm sure if a feller fell out of a balloon it wouldn't +help him much if he had ninety dozen cases o' whoopin' cough concealed +on his person; but for just so long as I'm the feller that has to come +up here every June, an' shoo the bears out o' the hotel, I ain't never +goin' to be without a spell of whoopin' cough along about that time if +I can help it. I wouldn't have been here now if it hadn't been for +it." + +"You referred just now," said Sapphira, "to shooing bears out of the +hotel. May I inquire what useful function in the menage of a hotel a +bear-shooer performs?" + +"What useful what?" asked Beelzy. + +"Function--duty--what does the duty of a bear-shooer consist in?" +explained Mr. Munchausen. "Is he a blacksmith who shoes bears instead +of horses?" + +"He's a bear-chaser," explained Beelzy, "and I'm it," he added. "That, +Ma'am, is the function of a bear-shooer in the menagerie of a hotel." + +Sapphira having expressed herself as satisfied, Beelzebub continued. + +"You see this here house is shut up all winter, and when everybody's +gone and left it empty the bears come down out of the mountains and +use it instead of a cave. It's more cosier and less windier than their +dens. So when the last guest has gone, and all the doors are locked, +and the band gone into winter quarters, down come the bears and take +possession. They generally climb through some open window somewhere. +They divide up all the best rooms accordin' to their position in bear +society and settle down to a regular hotel life among themselves." + +"But what do they feed upon?" asked Sapphira. + +"Oh they'll eat anything when they're hungry," said Beelzy. "Sofa +cushions, parlor rugs, hotel registers--anything they can fasten their +teeth to. Last year they came in through the cupola, burrowin' down +through the snow to get at it, and there they stayed enjoyin' life out +o' reach o' the wind and storm, snug's bugs in rugs. Year before last +there must ha' been a hundred of 'em in the hotel when I got here, but +one by one I got rid of 'em. Some I smoked out with some cigars Mr. +Munchausen gave me the summer before; some I deceived out, gettin' 'em +to chase me through the winders, an' then doublin' back on my tracks +an' lockin' 'em out. It was mighty wearin' work. + +"Last June there was twice as many. By actual tab I shooed two hundred +and eight bears and a panther off into the mountains. When the last +one as I thought disappeared into the woods I searched the house from +top to bottom to see if there was any more to be got rid of. Every +blessed one of the five hundred rooms I went through, and not a bear +was left that I could see. I can tell you, I was glad, because there +was a partickerly ugly run of 'em this year, an' they gave me a pile +o' trouble. They hadn't found much to eat in the hotel, an' they was +disappointed and cross. As a matter of fact, the only things they +found in the place they could eat was a piano stool and an old hair +trunk full o' paper-covered novels, which don't make a very hearty +meal for two hundred and eight bears and a panther." + +"I should say not," said Sapphira, "particularly if the novels were as +light as most of them are nowadays." + +"I can't say as to that," said Beelzy. "I ain't got time to read 'em +and so I ain't any judge. But all this time I was sufferin' like +hookey with awful spasms of whoopin' cough. I whooped so hard once it +smashed one o' the best echoes in the place all to flinders, an' of +course that made the work twice as harder. So, naturally, when I found +there warn't another bear left in the hotel, I just threw myself down +anywhere, and slept. My! how I slept. I don't suppose anything ever +slept sounder'n I did. And then it happened." + +Beelzy gave his trousers a hitch and let his voice drop to a stage +whisper that lent a wondrous impressiveness to his narration. + +"As I was a-layin' there unconscious, dreamin' of home and father, a +great big black hungry bruin weighin' six hundred and forty-three +pounds, that had been hidin' in the bread oven in the bakery, where I +hadn't thought of lookin' for him, came saunterin' along, hummin' a +little tune all by himself, and lickin' his chops with delight at the +idee of havin' me raw for his dinner. I lay on unconscious of my +danger, until he got right up close, an' then I waked up, an' openin' +my eyes saw this great black savage thing gloatin' over me an' tears +of joy runnin' out of his mouth as he thought of the choice meal he +was about to have. He was sniffin' my bang when I first caught sight +of him." + +"Mercy!" cried Sapphira, "I should think you'd have died of fright." + +[Illustration: "At the first whoop Mr. Bear jumped ten feet and fell +over backwards on the floor." _Chapter XII._] + +"I did," said Beelzy, politely, "but I came to life again in a minute. +'Oh Lor!' says I, as I see how hungry he was. 'This here's the end o' +me;' at which the bear looked me straight in the eye, licked his chops +again, and was about to take a nibble off my right ear when 'Whoop!' I +had a spasm of whoopin'. Well, Ma'am, I guess you know what that +means. There ain't nothin' more uncanny, more terrifyin' in the whole +run o' human noises, barrin' a German Opery, than the whoop o' the +whoopin' cough. At the first whoop Mr. Bear jumped ten feet and fell +over backwards onto the floor; at the second he scrambled to his feet +and put for the door, but stopped and looked around hopin' he was +mistaken, when I whooped a third time. The third did the business. +That third whoop would have scared Indians. It was awful. It was like +a tornado blowin' through a fog-horn with a megaphone in front of it. +When he heard that, Mr. Bear turned on all four of his heels and +started on a scoot up into the woods that must have carried him ten +miles before I quit coughin'. + +"An' that's why, Ma'am, I say that when you've got to shoo bears for a +livin', an attack o' whoopin' cough is a useful thing to have around." + +Saying which, Beelzy departed to find Number 433's left boot which he +had left at Number 334's door by some odd mistake. + +"What do you think of that, Mr. Munchausen?" asked Sapphira, as Beelzy +left the room. + +"I don't know," said Mr. Munchausen, with a sigh. "I'm inclined to +think that I am a trifle envious of him. The rest of us are not in his +class." + + + + +XIII + +WRIGGLETTO + + +It was in the afternoon of a beautiful summer day, and Mr. Munchausen +had come up from the simmering city of Cimmeria to spend a day or two +with Diavolo and Angelica and their venerable parents. They had all +had dinner, and were now out on the back piazza overlooking the +magnificent river Styx, which flowed from the mountains to the sea, +condescending on its way thither to look in upon countless +insignificant towns which had grown up on its banks, among which was +the one in which Diavolo and Angelica had been born and lived all +their lives. Mr. Munchausen was lying comfortably in a hammock, +collecting his thoughts. + +Angelica was somewhat depressed, but Diavolo was jubilant and all +because in the course of a walk they had had that morning Diavolo had +killed a snake. + +"It was fine sport," said Diavolo. "He was lying there in the sun, and +I took a stick and put him out of his misery in two minutes." + +Here Diavolo illustrated the process by whacking the Baron over his +waist-coat with a small malacca stick he carried. + +"Well, I didn't like it," said Angelica. "I don't care for snakes, but +somehow or other it seems to me we'd ought to have left him alone. He +wasn't hurting anybody off there. If he'd come walking on our place, +that would have been one thing, but we went walking where he was, and +he had as much right to take a sun-bath there as we had." + +"That's true enough," put in Mr. Munchausen, resolved after Diavolo's +whack, to side against him. "You've just about hit it, Angelica. It +wasn't polite of you in the first place, to disturb his snakeship in +his nap, and having done so, I can't see why Diavolo wanted to kill +him." + +"Oh, pshaw!" said Diavolo, airily. "What's snakes good for except to +kill? I'll kill 'em every chance I get. They aren't any good." + +"All right," said Mr. Munchausen, quietly. "I suppose you know all +about it; but I know a thing or two about snakes myself that do not +exactly agree with what you say. They are some good sometimes, and, as +a matter of fact, as a general rule, they are less apt to attack you +without reason than you are to attack them. A snake is rather inclined +to mind its own business unless he finds it necessary to do otherwise. +Occasionally too you'll find a snake with a truly amiable character. +I'll never forget my old pet Wriggletto, for instance, and as long as +I remember him I can't help having a warm corner for snakes in my +heart." + +Here Mr. Munchausen paused and puffed thoughtfully on his cigar as a +far-away half-affectionate look came into his eye. + +"Who was Wriggletto?" asked Diavolo, transferring a half dollar from +Mr. Munchausen's pocket to his own. + +"Who was he?" cried Mr. Munchausen. "You don't mean to say that I have +never told you about Wriggletto, my pet boa-constrictor, do you?" + +"You never told me," said Angelica. "But I'm not everybody. Maybe +you've told some other little Imps." + +"No, indeed!" said Mr. Munchausen. "You two are the only little Imps I +tell stories to, and as far as I am concerned, while I admit you are +not everybody you are somebody and that's more than everybody is. +Wriggletto was a boa-constrictor I once knew in South America, and he +was without exception, the most remarkable bit of a serpent I ever +met. Genial, kind, intelligent, grateful and useful, and, after I'd +had him a year or two, wonderfully well educated. He could write with +himself as well as you or I can with a pen. There's a recommendation +for you. Few men are all that--and few boa-constrictors either, as far +as that goes. I admit Wriggletto was an exception to the general run +of serpents, but he was all that I claim for him, nevertheless." + +"What kind of a snake did you say he was?" asked Diavolo. + +"A boa-constrictor," said Mr. Munchausen, "and I knew him from his +childhood. I first encountered Wriggletto about ten miles out of Para +on the river Amazon. He was being swallowed by a larger +boa-constrictor, and I saved his life by catching hold of his tail and +pulling him out just as the other was getting ready to give the last +gulp which would have taken Wriggletto in completely, and placed him +beyond all hope of ever being saved." + +"What was the other boa doing while you were saving Wriggletto?" asked +Diavolo, who was fond always of hearing both sides to every question, +and whose father, therefore, hoped he might some day grow up to be a +great judge, or at least serve with distinction upon a jury. + +"He couldn't do anything," returned Mr. Munchausen. "He was powerless +as long as Wriggletto's head stuck in his throat and just before I got +the smaller snake extracted I killed the other one by cutting off his +tail behind his ears. It was not a very dangerous rescue on my part as +long as Wriggletto was likely to be grateful. I must confess for a +minute I was afraid he might not comprehend all I had done for him, +and it was just possible he might attack me, but the hug he gave me +when he found himself free once more was reassuring. He wound himself +gracefully around my body, squeezed me gently and then slid off into +the road again, as much as to say 'Thank you, sir. You're a brick.' +After that there was nothing Wriggletto would not do for me. He +followed me everywhere I went from that time on. He seemed to learn +all in an instant that there were hundreds of little things to be done +about the house of an old bachelor like myself which a willing serpent +could do, and he made it his business to do those things: like picking +up my collars from the floor, and finding my studs for me when they +rolled under the bureau, and a thousand and one other little services +of a like nature, and when you, Master Diavolo, try in future to say +that snakes are only good to kill and are of no use to any one, you +must at least make an exception in favour of Wriggletto." + +"I will," said Diavolo, "But you haven't told us of the other useful +things he did for you yet." + +"I was about to do so," said Mr. Munchausen. "In the first place, +before he learned how to do little things about the house for me, +Wriggletto acted as a watch-dog and you may be sure that nobody ever +ventured to prowl around my house at night while Wriggletto slept out +on the lawn. Para was quite full of conscienceless fellows, too, at +that time, any one of whom would have been glad to have a chance to +relieve me of my belongings if they could get by my watch-snake. Two +of them tried it one dark stormy night, and Wriggletto when he +discovered them climbing in at my window, crawled up behind them and +winding his tail about them crept down to the banks of the Amazon, +dragging them after him. There he tossed them into the river, and came +back to his post once more." + +"Did you see him do it, Uncle Munch?" asked Angelica. + +"No, I did not. I learned of it afterwards. Wriggletto himself said +never a word. He was too modest for that," said Mr. Munchausen. "One +of the robbers wrote a letter to the Para newspapers about it, +complaining that any one should be allowed to keep a reptile like that +around, and suggested that anyhow people using snakes in place of dogs +should be compelled to license them, and put up a sign at their gates: + + BEWARE OF THE SNAKE! + +"The man never acknowledged, of course, that he was the robber,--said +that he was calling on business when the thing happened,--but he +didn't say what his business was, but I knew better, and later on the +other robber and he fell out, and they confessed that the business +they had come on was to take away a few thousand gold coins of the +realm which I was known to have in the house locked in a steel chest. + +"I bought Wriggletto a handsome silver collar after that, and it was +generally understood that he was the guardian of my place, and robbers +bothered me no more. Then he was finer than a cat for rats. On very +hot days he would go off into the cellar, where it was cool, and lie +there with his mouth wide open and his eyes shut, and catch rats by +the dozens. They'd run around in the dark, and the first thing they'd +know they'd stumble into Wriggletto's mouth; and he swallowed them and +licked his chops afterwards, just as you or I do when we've swallowed +a fine luscious oyster or a clam. + +"But pleasantest of all the things Wriggletto did for me--and he was +untiring in his attentions in that way--was keeping me cool on hot +summer nights. Para as you may have heard is a pretty hot place at +best, lying in a tropical region as it does, but sometimes it is awful +for a man used to the Northern climate, as I was. The act of fanning +one's self, so far from cooling one off, makes one hotter than ever. +Maybe you remember how it was with the elephant in the poem: + + "'Oh my, oh dear!' the elephant said, + 'It is so awful hot! + I've fanned myself for seventy weeks, + And haven't cooled a jot.' + +"And that was the way it was with me in Para on hot nights. I'd fan +and fan and fan, but I couldn't get cool until Wriggletto became a +member of my family, and then I was all right. He used to wind his +tail about a huge palm-leaf fan I had cut in the forest, so large that +I couldn't possibly handle it myself, and he'd wave it to and fro by +the hour, with the result that my house was always the breeziest place +in Para." + +"Where is Wriggletto now?" asked Diavolo. + +"Heigho!" sighed Mr. Munchausen. "He died, poor fellow, and all +because of that silver collar I gave him. He tried to swallow a jibola +that entered my house one night on wickedness intent, and while +Wriggletto's throat was large enough when he stretched it to take down +three jibolas, with a collar on which wouldn't stretch he couldn't +swallow one. He didn't know that, unfortunately, and he kept on trying +until the jibola got a quarter way down and then he stuck. Each +swallow, of course, made the collar fit more tightly and finally poor +Wriggletto choked himself to death. I felt so badly about it that I +left Para within a month, but meanwhile I had a suit of clothes made +out of Wriggletto's skin, and wore it for years, and then, when the +clothes began to look worn, I had the skin re-tanned and made over +into shoes and slippers. So you see that even after death he was +useful to me. He was a faithful snake, and that is why when I hear +people running down all snakes I tell the story of Wriggletto." + +[Illustration: "He used to wind his tail about a fan and he'd wave it +to and fro by the hour." _Chapter XIII._] + +There was a pause for a few moments, when Diavolo said, "Uncle Munch, +is that a true story you've been giving us?" + +"True?" cried Mr. Munchausen. "True? Why, my dear boy, what a +question! If you don't believe it, bring me your atlas, and I'll show +you just where Para is." + +Diavolo did as he was told, and sure enough, Mr. Munchausen did +exactly as he said he would, which Diavolo thought was very +remarkable, but he still was not satisfied. + +"You said he could write as well with himself as you or I could with a +pen, Uncle Munch," he said. "How was that?" + +"Why that was simple enough," explained Mr. Munchausen. "You see he +was very black, and thirty-nine feet long and remarkably supple and +slender. After a year of hard study he learned to bunch himself into +letters, and if he wanted to say anything to me he'd simply form +himself into a written sentence. Indeed his favourite attitude when in +repose showed his wonderful gift in chirography as well as his +affection for me. If you will get me a card I will prove it." + +Diavolo brought Mr. Munchausen the card and upon it he drew the +following: + +[Illustration: A snake in the form of 'UncleMunch'] + +"There," said Mr. Munchausen. "That's the way Wriggletto always used +to lie when he was at rest. His love for me was very affecting." + + + + +XIV + +THE POETIC JUNE-BUG, TOGETHER WITH SOME REMARKS ON THE GILLYHOOLY BIRD + + +"Uncle Munch," said Diavolo one afternoon as a couple of bicyclers +sped past the house at breakneck speed, "which would you rather have, +a bicycle or a horse?" + +"Well, I must say, my boy, that is a difficult question to answer," +Mr. Munchausen replied after scratching his head dubiously for a few +minutes. "You might as well ask a man which he prefers, a hammock or a +steam-yacht. To that question I should reply that if I wanted to sell +it, I'd rather have a steam-yacht, but for a pleasant swing on a cool +piazza in midsummer or under the apple-trees, a hammock would be far +preferable. Steam-yachts are not much good to swing in under an apple +tree, and very few piazzas that I know of are big enough--" + +"Oh, now, you know what I mean, Uncle Munch," Diavolo retorted, +tapping Mr. Munchausen upon the end of his nose, for a twinkle in Mr. +Munchausen's eye seemed to indicate that he was in one of his chaffing +moods, and a greater tease than Mr. Munchausen when he felt that way +no one has ever known. "I mean for horse-back riding, which would you +rather have?" + +"Ah, that's another matter," returned Mr. Munchausen, calmly. "Now I +know how to answer your question. For horse-back riding I certainly +prefer a horse; though, on the other hand, for bicycling, bicycles are +better than horses. Horses make very poor bicycles, due no doubt to +the fact that they have no wheels." + +Diavolo began to grow desperate. + +"Of course," Mr. Munchausen went on, "all I have to say in this +connection is based merely on my ideas, and not upon any personal +experience. I've been horse-back riding on horses, and bicycling on +bicycles, but I never went horse-back riding on a bicycle, or +bicycling on horseback. I should think it might be exciting to go +bicycling on horse-back, but very dangerous. It is hard enough for me +to keep a bicycle from toppling over when I'm riding on a hard, +straight, level well-paved road, without experimenting with my wheel +on a horse's back. However if you wish to try it some day and will get +me a horse with a back as big as Trafalgar Square I'm willing to make +the effort." + +Angelica giggled. It was lots of fun for her when Mr. Munchausen +teased Diavolo, though she didn't like it quite so much when it was +her turn to be treated that way. Diavolo wanted to laugh too, but he +had too much dignity for that, and to conceal his desire to grin from +Mr. Munchausen he began to hunt about for an old newspaper, or a lump +of coal or something else he could make a ball of to throw at him. + +"Which would you rather do, Angelica," Mr. Munchausen resumed, "go to +sea in a balloon or attend a dumb-crambo party in a chicken-coop?" + +"I guess I would," laughed Angelica. + +"That's a good answer," Mr. Munchausen put in. "It is quite as +intelligent as the one which is attributed to the Gillyhooly bird. +When the Gillyhooly bird was asked his opinion of giraffes, he +scratched his head for a minute and said, + + "'The question hath but little wit + That you have put to me, + But I will try to answer it + With prompt candidity. + + The automobile is a thing + That's pleasing to the mind; + And in a lustrous diamond ring + Some merit I can find. + + Some persons gloat o'er French Chateaux; + Some dote on lemon ice; + While others gorge on mixed gateaux, + Yet have no use for mice. + + I'm very fond of oyster-stew, + I love a patent-leather boot, + But after all, 'twixt me and you, + The fish-ball is my favourite fruit.'" + +"Hoh" jeered Diavolo, who, attracted by the allusion to a kind of bird +of which he had never heard before, had given up the quest for a paper +ball and returned to Mr. Munchausen's side, "I don't think that was a +very intelligent answer. It didn't answer the question at all." + +"That's true, and that is why it was intelligent," said Mr. +Munchausen. "It was noncommittal. Some day when you are older and know +less than you do now, you will realise, my dear Diavolo, how valuable +a thing is the reply that answereth not." + +Mr. Munchausen paused long enough to let the lesson sink in and then +he resumed. + +"The Gillyhooly bird is a perfect owl for wisdom of that sort," he +said. "It never lets anybody know what it thinks; it never makes +promises, and rarely speaks except to mystify people. It probably has +just as decided an opinion concerning giraffes as you or I have, but +it never lets anybody into the secret." + +"What is a Gillyhooly bird, anyhow?" asked Diavolo. + +"He's a bird that never sings for fear of straining his voice; never +flies for fear of wearying his wings; never eats for fear of spoiling +his digestion; never stands up for fear of bandying his legs and never +lies down for fear of injuring his spine," said Mr. Munchausen. "He +has no feathers, because, as he says, if he had, people would pull +them out to trim hats with, which would be painful, and he never goes +into debt because, as he observes himself, he has no hope of paying +the bill with which nature has endowed him, so why run up others?" + +"I shouldn't think he'd live long if he doesn't eat?" suggested +Angelica. + +"That's the great trouble," said Mr. Munchausen. "He doesn't live +long. Nothing so ineffably wise as the Gillyhooly bird ever does live +long. I don't believe a Gillyhooly bird ever lived more than a day, +and that, connected with the fact that he is very ugly and keeps +himself out of sight, is possibly why no one has ever seen one. He is +known only by hearsay, and as a matter of fact, besides ourselves, I +doubt if any one has ever heard of him." + +Diavolo eyed Mr. Munchausen narrowly. + +"Speaking of Gillyhooly birds, however, and to be serious for a +moment," Mr. Munchausen continued flinching nervously under Diavolo's +unyielding gaze; "I never told you about the poetic June-bug that +worked the typewriter, did I?" + +"Never heard of such a thing," cried Diavolo. "The idea of a June-bug +working a typewriter." + +"I don't believe it," said Angelica, "he hasn't got any fingers." + +"That shows all you know about it," retorted Mr. Munchausen. "You +think because you are half-way right you are all right. However, if +you don't want to hear the story of the June-bug that worked the +type-writer, I won't tell it. My tongue is tired, anyhow." + +"Please go on," said Diavolo. "I want to hear it." + +"So do I," said Angelica. "There are lots of stories I don't believe +that I like to hear--'Jack the Giant-killer' and 'Cinderella,' for +instance." + +"Very well," said Mr. Munchausen. "I'll tell it, and you can believe +it or not, as you please. It was only two summers ago that the thing +happened, and I think it was very curious. As you may know, I often +have a great lot of writing to do and sometimes I get very tired +holding a pen in my hand. When you get old enough to write real long +letters you'll know what I mean. Your writing hand will get so tired +that sometimes you'll wish some wizard would come along smart enough +to invent a machine by means of which everything you think can be +transferred to paper as you think it, without the necessity of +writing. But as yet the only relief to the man whose hand is worn out +by the amount of writing he has to do is the use of the type-writer, +which is hard only on the fingers. So to help me in my work two +summers ago I bought a type-writing machine, and put it in the great +bay-window of my room at the hotel where I was stopping. It was a +magnificent hotel, but it had one drawback--it was infested with +June-bugs. Most summer hotels are afflicted with mosquitoes, but this +one had June-bugs instead, and all night long they'd buzz and butt +their heads against the walls until the guests went almost crazy with +the noise. + +"At first I did not mind it very much. It was amusing to watch them, +and my friends and I used to play a sort of game of chance with them +that entertained us hugely. We marked the walls off in squares which +we numbered and then made little wagers as to which of the squares a +specially selected June-bug would whack next. To simplify the game we +caught the chosen June-bug and put some powdered charcoal on his head, +so that when he butted up against the white wall he would leave a +black mark in the space he hit. It was really one of the most exciting +games of that particular kind that I ever played, and many a rainy day +was made pleasant by this diversion. + +"But after awhile like everything else June-bug Roulette as we called +it began to pall and I grew tired of it and wished there never had +been such a thing as a June-bug in the world. I did my best to forget +them, but it was impossible. Their buzzing and butting continued +uninterrupted, and toward the end of the month they developed a +particularly bad habit of butting the electric call button at the side +of my bed. The consequence was that at all hours of the night, +hall-boys with iced-water, and house-maids with bath towels, and +porters with kindling-wood would come knocking at my door and routing +me out of bed--summoned of course by none other than those horrible +butting insects. This particular nuisance became so unendurable that I +had to change my room for one which had no electric bell in it. + +"So things went, until June passed and July appeared. The majority of +the nuisances promptly got out but one especially vigorous and +athletic member of the tribe remained. He became unbearable and +finally one night I jumped out of bed either to kill him or to drive +him out of my apartment forever, but he wouldn't go, and try as I +might I couldn't hit him hard enough to kill him. In sheer desperation +I took the cover of my typewriting machine and tried to catch him in +that. Finally I succeeded, and, as I thought, shook the heedless +creature out of the window promptly slamming the window shut so that +he might not return; and then putting the type-writer cover back over +the machine, I went to bed again, but not to sleep as I had hoped. All +night long every second or two I'd hear the type-writer click. This I +attributed to nervousness on my part. As far as I knew there wasn't +anything to make the type-writer click, and the fact that I heard it +do so served only to convince me that I was tired and imagined that I +heard noises. + +[Illustration: "Most singular of all was the fact that consciously or +unconsciously the insect had butted out a verse." _Chapter XIV._] + +"The next morning, however, on opening the machine I found that the +June-bug had not only not been shaken out of the window, but had +actually spent the night inside of the cover, butting his head against +the keys, having no wall to butt with it, and most singular of all was +the fact that, consciously or unconsciously, the insect had butted out +a verse which read: + + "'I'm glad I haven't any brains, + For there can be no doubt + I'd have to give up butting + If I had, or butt them out.'" + +"Mercy! Really?" cried Angelica. + +"Well I can't prove it," said Mr. Munchausen, "by producing the +June-bug, but I can show you the hotel, I can tell you the number of +the room; I can show you the type-writing machine, and I have recited +the verse. If you're not satisfied with that I'll have to stand your +suspicions." + +"What became of the June-bug?" demanded Diavolo. + +"He flew off as soon as I lifted the top of the machine," said Mr. +Munchausen. "He had all the modesty of a true poet and did not wish to +be around while his poem was being read." + +"It's queer how you can't get rid of June-bugs, isn't it, Uncle +Munch," suggested Angelica. + +"Oh, we got rid of 'em next season all right," said Mr. Munchausen. "I +invented a scheme that kept them away all the following summer. I got +the landlord to hang calendars all over the house with one full page +for each month. Then in every room we exposed the page for May and +left it that way all summer. When the June-bugs arrived and saw these, +they were fooled into believing that June hadn't come yet, and off +they flew to wait. They are very inconsiderate of other people's +comfort," Mr. Munchausen concluded, "but they are rigorously bound by +an etiquette of their own. A self-respecting June-bug would no more +appear until the June-bug season is regularly open than a gentleman of +high society would go to a five o'clock tea munching fresh-roasted +peanuts. And by the way, that reminds me I happen to have a bag of +peanuts right here in my pocket." + +Here Mr. Munchausen, transferring the luscious goobers to Angelica, +suddenly remembered that he had something to say to the Imps' father, +and hurriedly left them. + +"Do you suppose that's true, Diavolo?" whispered Angelica as their +friend disappeared. + +"Well it might happen," said Diavolo, "but I've a sort of notion that +it's 'maginary like the Gillyhooly bird. Gimme a peanut." + + + + +XV + +A LUCKY STROKE + + +"Mr. Munchausen," said Ananias, as he and the famous warrior drove off +from the first hole at the Missing Links, "you never seem to weary of +the game of golf. What is its precise charm in your eyes,--the +health-giving qualities of the game or its capacity for bad lies?" + +"I owe my life to it," replied the Baron. "That is to say to my +precision as a player I owe one of the many preservations of my +existence which have passed into history. Furthermore it is ever +varying in its interest. Like life itself it is full of hazards and no +man knows at the beginning of his stroke what will be the requirements +of the next. I never told you of the bovine lie I got once while +playing a match with Bonaparte, did I?" + +"I do not recall it," said Ananias, foozling his second stroke into +the stone wall. + +"I was playing with my friend Bonaparte, for the Cosmopolitan +Championship," said Munchausen, "and we were all even at the +thirty-sixth hole. Bonaparte had sliced his ball into a stubble field +from the tee, whereat he was inclined to swear, until by an odd +mischance I drove mine into the throat of a bull that was pasturing on +the fair green two hundred and ninety-eight yards distant. 'Shall we +take it over?' I asked. 'No,' laughed Bonaparte, thinking he had me. +'We must play the game. I shall play my lie. You must play yours.' +'Very well,' said I. 'So be it. Golf is golf, bull or no bull.' And +off we went. It took Bonaparte seven strokes to get on the green +again, which left me a like number to extricate my ball from the +throat of the unwelcome bovine. It was a difficult business, but I +made short work of it. Tying my red silk handkerchief to the end of my +brassey I stepped in front of the great creature and addressing an +imaginary ball before him made the usual swing back and through +stroke. The bull, angered by the fluttering red handkerchief, reared +up and made a dash at me. I ran in the direction of the hole, the bull +in pursuit for two hundred yards. Here I hid behind a tree while Mr. +Bull stopped short and snorted again. Still there was no sign of the +ball, and after my pursuer had quieted a little I emerged from my +hiding place and with the same club and in the same manner played +three. The bull surprised at my temerity threw his head back with an +angry toss and tried to bellow forth his wrath, as I had designed he +should, but the obstruction in his throat prevented him. The ball had +stuck in his pharynx. Nothing came of his spasm but a short hacking +cough and a wheeze--then silence. 'I'll play four,' I cried to +Bonaparte, who stood watching me from a place of safety on the other +side of the stone wall. Again I swung my red-flagged brassey in front +of the angry creature's face and what I had hoped for followed. The +second attempt at a bellow again resulted in a hacking cough and a +sneeze, and lo the ball flew out of his throat and landed dead to the +hole. The caddies drove the bull away. Bonaparte played eight, missed +a putt for a nine, stymied himself in a ten, holed out in twelve and I +went down in five." + +"Jerusalem!" cried Ananias. "What did Bonaparte say?" + +[Illustration: "Again I swung my red-flagged brassey in front of the angry +creature's face, and what I had hoped for followed." _Chapter XV._] + +"He delivered a short, quick nervous address in Corsican and retired +to the club-house where he spent the afternoon drowning his sorrows in +Absinthe high-balls. 'Great hole that, Bonaparte,' said I when his +geniality was about to return. 'Yes,' said he. 'A regular lu-lu, eh?' +said I. 'More than that, Baron,' said he. 'It was a Waterlooloo.' It +was the first pun I ever heard the Emperor make." + +"We all have our weak moments," said Ananias drily, playing nine from +behind the wall. "I give the hole up," he added angrily. + +"Let's play it out anyhow," said Munchausen, playing three to the +green. + +"All right," Ananias agreed, taking a ten and rimming the cup. + +Munchausen took three to go down, scoring six in all. + +"Two up," said he, as Ananias putted out in eleven. + +"How the deuce do you make that out? This is only the first hole," +cried Ananias with some show of heat. + +"You gave up a hole, didn't you?" demanded Munchausen. + +"Yes." + +"And I won a hole, didn't I?" + +"You did--but--" + +"Well that's two holes. Fore!" cried Munchausen. + +The two walked along in silence for a few minutes, and the Baron +resumed. + +"Yes, golf is a splendid game and I love it, though I don't think I'd +ever let a good canvasback duck get cold while I was talking about it. +When I have a canvasback duck before me I don't think of anything else +while it's there. But unquestionably I'm fond of golf, and I have a +very good reason to be. It has done a great deal for me, and as I have +already told you, once it really saved my life." + +"Saved your life, eh?" said Ananias. + +"That's what I said," returned Mr. Munchausen, "and so of course that +is the way it was." + +"I should admire to hear the details," said Ananias. "I presume you +were going into a decline and it restored your strength and vitality." + +"No," said Mr. Munchausen, "it wasn't that way at all. It saved my +life when I was attacked by a fierce and ravenously hungry lion. If I +hadn't known how to play golf it would have been farewell forever to +Mr. Munchausen, and Mr. Lion would have had a fine luncheon that day, +at which I should have been the turkey and cranberry sauce and mince +pie all rolled into one." + +Ananias laughed. + +"It's easy enough to laugh at my peril now," said Mr. Munchausen, "but +if you'd been with me you wouldn't have laughed very much. On the +contrary, Ananias, you'd have ruined what little voice you ever had +screeching." + +"I wasn't laughing at the danger you were in," said Ananias. "I don't +see anything funny in that. What I was laughing at was the idea of a +lion turning up on a golf course. They don't have lions on any of the +golf courses that I am familiar with." + +"That may be, my dear Ananias," said Mr. Munchausen, "but it doesn't +prove anything. What you are familiar with has no especial bearing +upon the ordering of the Universe. They had lions by the hundreds on +the particular links I refer to. I laid the links out myself and I +fancy I know what I am talking about. They were in the desert of +Sahara. And I tell you what it is," he added, slapping his knee +enthusiastically, "they were the finest links I ever played on. There +wasn't a hole shorter than three miles and a quarter, which gives you +plenty of elbow room, and the fair green had all the qualities of a +first class billiard table, so that your ball got a magnificent roll +on it." + +"What did you do for hazards?" asked Ananias. + +"Oh we had 'em by the dozen," replied Mr. Munchausen. "There weren't +any ponds or stone walls, of course, but there were plenty of others +that were quite as interesting. There was the Sphynx for instance; and +for bunkers the pyramids can't be beaten. Then occasionally right in +the middle of a game a caravan ten or twelve miles long, would begin +to drag its interminable length across the middle of the course, and +it takes mighty nice work with the lofting iron to lift a ball over a +caravan without hitting a camel or killing an Arab, I can tell you. +Then finally I'm sure I don't know of any more hazardous hazard for a +golf player--or for anybody else for that matter--than a real hungry +African lion out in search of breakfast, especially when you meet him +on the hole furthest from home and have a stretch of three or four +miles between him and assistance with no revolver or other weapon at +hand. That's hazard enough for me and it took the best work I could do +with my brassey to get around it." + +"You always were strong at a brassey lie," said Ananias. + +"Thank you," said Mr. Munchausen. "There are few lies I can't get +around. But on this morning I was playing for the Mid-African +Championship. I'd been getting along splendidly. My record for fifteen +holes was about seven hundred and eighty-three strokes, and I was +flattering myself that I was about to turn in the best card that had +ever been seen in a medal play contest in all Africa. My drive from +the sixteenth tee was a simple beauty. I thought the ball would never +stop, I hit it such a tremendous whack. It had a flight of three +hundred and eighty-two yards and a roll of one hundred and twenty +more, and when it finally stopped it turned up in a mighty good lie on +a natural tee, which the wind had swirled up. Calling to the monkey +who acted as my caddy--we used monkeys for caddies always in Africa, +and they were a great success because they don't talk and they use +their tails as a sort of extra hand,--I got out my brassey for the +second stroke, took my stance on the hardened sand, swung my club +back, fixed my eye on the ball and was just about to carry through, +when I heard a sound which sent my heart into my boots, my caddy +galloping back to the club house, and set my teeth chattering like a +pair of castanets. It was unmistakable, that sound. When a hungry lion +roars you know precisely what it is the moment you hear it, especially +if you have heard it before. It doesn't sound a bit like the miauing +of a cat; nor is it suggestive of the rumble of artillery in an +adjacent street. There is no mistaking it for distant thunder, as some +writers would have you believe. It has none of the gently mournful +quality that characterises the soughing of the wind through the +leafless branches of the autumnal forest, to which a poet might liken +it; it is just a plain lion-roaring and nothing else, and when you +hear it you know it. The man who mistakes it for distant thunder might +just as well be struck by lightning there and then for all the chance +he has to get away from it ultimately. The poet who confounds it with +the gentle soughing breeze never lives to tell about it. He gets +himself eaten up for his foolishness. It doesn't require a Daniel come +to judgment to recognise a lion's roar on sight. + +"I should have perished myself that morning if I had not known on the +instant just what were the causes of the disturbance. My nerve did not +desert me, however, frightened as I was. I stopped my play and looked +out over the sand in the direction whence the roaring came, and there +he stood a perfect picture of majesty, and a giant among lions, eyeing +me critically as much as to say, 'Well this is luck, here's breakfast +fit for a king!' but he reckoned without his host. I was in no mood to +be served up to stop his ravening appetite and I made up my mind at +once to stay and fight. I'm a good runner, Ananias, but I cannot beat +a lion in a three mile sprint on a sandy soil, so fight it was. The +question was how. My caddy gone, the only weapons I had with me were +my brassey and that one little gutta percha ball, but thanks to my +golf they were sufficient. + +"Carefully calculating the distance at which the huge beast stood, I +addressed the ball with unusual care, aiming slightly to the left to +overcome my tendency to slice, and drove the ball straight through the +lion's heart as he poised himself on his hind legs ready to spring +upon me. It was a superb stroke and not an instant too soon, for just +as the ball struck him he sprang forward, and even as it was landed +but two feet away from where I stood, but, I am happy to say, dead. + +"It was indeed a narrow escape, and it tried my nerves to the full, +but I extracted the ball and resumed my play in a short while, adding +the lucky stroke to my score meanwhile. But I lost the match,--not +because I lost my nerve, for this I did not do, but because I lifted +from the lion's heart. The committee disqualified me because I did not +play from my lie and the cup went to my competitor. However, I was +satisfied to have escaped with my life. I'd rather be a live runner-up +than a dead champion any day." + +"A wonderful experience," said Ananias. "Perfectly wonderful. I never +heard of a stroke to equal that." + +"You are too modest, Ananias," said Mr. Munchausen drily. "Too modest +by half. You and Sapphira hold the record for that, you know." + +"I have forgotten the episode," said Ananias. + +"Didn't you and she make your last hole on a single stroke?" demanded +Munchausen with an inward chuckle. + +"Oh--yes," said Ananias grimly, as he recalled the incident. "But you +know we didn't win any more than you did." + +"Oh, didn't you?" asked Munchausen. + +"No," replied Ananias. "You forget that Sapphira and I were two down +at the finish." + +And Mr. Munchausen played the rest of the game in silence. Ananias had +at last got the best of him. + + + + * * * * * + + + +Transcriber's note: + +Spellings were left as found. + +Illustrations were moved when they interrupted paragraphs. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. 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