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diff --git a/33292.txt b/33292.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c2dc22e --- /dev/null +++ b/33292.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1796 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 98 June +7, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 98 June 7, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: July 30, 2010 [EBook #33292] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOLUME 98, JUNE 7TH 1890 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + + + +VOCES POPULI. + +AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY. + +IN THE VESTIBULE. + +[Illustration] + + _Visitors ascending staircase, full of enthusiasm and + energetic determination not to miss a single Picture, + encounter people descending in various stages of mental + and physical exhaustion. At the turnstiles two Friends meet + unexpectedly; both being shy men, who, with timely notice, + would have preferred to avoid one another, their greetings are + marked by an unnatural effusion, and followed by embarrassed + silence._ + +_First Shy Man (to break the spell)._ Odd, our running up against one +another like this, eh? + +_Second Shy Man._ Oh, very odd. (_Looks about him irresolutely, and +wonders if it would be decent to pass on. Decides it will hardly do._) +Great place for meeting, the Academy, though. + +_First S. M._ Yes; sure to come across _somebody_, sooner or later. + + [_Laughs nervously, and wishes the other would go._ + +_Second S. M. (seeing that his friend lingers)._ This your _first_ +visit here? + +_First S. M._ Yes. Couldn't very well get away _before_, you know. + + [_Feels apologetic, without exactly knowing why._ + +_Second S. M._ It's _my_ first visit, too. (_Sees no escape, and +resigns himself._) Er--we may as well go round together, eh? + +_First S. M. (who was afraid this was coming--heartily)._ Good! By +the way, I always think, on a first visit, it's best to take a single +room, and do that thoroughly. [_This has only just occurred to him._ + +_Second S. M. (who had been intending to follow that plan himself)._ +Oh, _do_ you? Now, for _my_ part, I don't attempt to see anything +_thoroughly_ the first time. Just scamper through, glance at the +things one oughtn't to miss, get a general impression, and come away. +_Then_, if I don't happen to come again, I've always _done_ it, you +see. But (_considerately_), look here. Don't let me drag you about, if +you'd rather not! + +_First S. M._ Oh, but I shouldn't like to feel I was any tie on you. +Don't you mind about me. I shall potter about in here--for hours, I +daresay. + +_Second S. M._ Ah, well (_with vague consolation_), I shall always +know where to _find_ you, I suppose. + +_First S. M._ (_brightening visibly_). Oh dear, yes; _I_ shan't be far +away. + + [_They part with mutual relief, only tempered by the necessity + of following the course they have respectively prescribed for + themselves. Nemesis overtakes the_ Second S. M. _in the next + Gallery, when he is captured by a Desultory Enthusiast, who + insists upon dragging him all over the place to see obscure + "bits" and "gems," which are only to be appreciated by ricking + the neck or stooping painfully_. + +_A Suburban Lady (to Female Friend)._ Oh dear, _how_ stupid of me! I +_quite_ forgot to bring a pencil! Oh, _thank_ you, dear, that will do +_beautifully_. It's just a _little_ blunt; but so long as I can _mark_ +with it, you know. You don't think we should avoid the crush if we +began at the end room? Well, perhaps it _is_ less confusing to begin +at the beginning, and work steadily through. + +IN GALLERY NO. I. + + _A small group has collected before_ Mr. WYLLIE'S "Davy + Jones's Locker," _which they inspect solemnly for some time + before venturing to commit themselves to any opinion_. + +_First Visitor (after devoting his whole mind to the subject)._ Why, +it's the Bottom of the Sea--at least (_more cautiously_), that's what +it seems to be _intended_ for. + +_Second V._ Ah, and very well done, too. I wonder, now, how he managed +to stay down long enough to paint all that? + +_Third V._ Practice, I suppose. I've seen writing done under water +myself. But that was a tank! + +_Fourth V. (presumably in profound allusion to the fishes and +sea-anemones)._ Well, they seem to be 'aving it all their own way down +there, don't they? [_The Group, feeling that this remark sums up the +situation, disperses._ + +_The Suburban Lady (her pencil in full play)._ No. 93. Now what's +_that_ about? Oh, "_Forbidden Sweets_,"--yes, to be sure. _Isn't_ that +charming? Those two dear little tots having their tea, and the kitten +with its head stuck in the jam-pot, and the label and all, and the +sticky spoon on the nursery table-cloth--so _natural_! I really _must_ +mark that. (_Awards this distinction._) 97. "_Going up Top._" Yes, +_of course_. Look, LUCY dear, that little fellow has just answered a +question, and his master tells him he may go to the top of the class, +do you _see_? And the big boy looking so sulky, he's wishing he +had learnt his lesson better. I do think it's _so_ clever--all the +different expressions. Yes, I shall _certainly_ mark that! + +IN GALLERY NO. II. + +_The S. L. (doubtfully)._ H'm, No. 156. "_Cloud Chariots_"? Not very +_like_ chariots, though, _are_ they? + +_Her Friend._ I expect it's one of those sort of pictures that you +have to look at a long time, and then things gradually come _out_ of +it, you know. + +_The S. L._ It may be. (_Tries the experiment._) No, _I_ can't +make _anything_ come out--only just clouds and their reflections. +(_Struggling between good-nature and conscientiousness._) I _don't_ +think I _can_ mark that. + +IN GALLERY NO. III. + +_A Matron (before_ Mr. DICKSEE'S "_Tannhaeuser_"). "_Venus and +Tannhaeuser_"--ah, and is that Venus on the stretcher? Oh, _that's_ her +all on fire in the background. Then which is Tannhaeuser, and what are +they all supposed to be doing? [_In a tone of irritation._ + +_Her Nephew._ Oh, it tells you all about it in the Catalogue--he meets +her funeral, you know, and leaves grow on his stick. + +_The Matron (pursing her lips)._ Oh, a _dead person_. + + [_Repulses the Catalogue severely and passes on._ + +_First Person, with an "Eye for Art" (before "Pysche's Bath," by the +President)._ Not bad, eh? + +_Second Person, &c._ No, I rather like it. (_Feels that he is growing +too lenient._) He doesn't give you a very good idea of marble, though. + +_First P. &c._ No--_that's_ not marble, and he always puts too many +folds in his drapery to suit _me_. + +_First P. &c._ Just what _I_ always say. It's not natural, you know. +[_They pass on, much pleased with themselves and one another._ + +_A Fiance (halting before a sea-scape, by_ Mr. HENRY MOORE, _to +Fiancee_). Here, I say, hold on a bit--what's _this_ one? + +_Fiancee (who doesn't mean to waste the whole afternoon over +pictures)._ Why, it's only a lot of waves--_come_ on! + +_The Surburban L._ LUCY, _this_ is rather nice. "_Breakfasts for +the Porth!_" (_Pondering._) I think there must be a mistake in the +Catalogue--I don't see any breakfast things--they're cleaning fish, +and what's a "Porth!" Would you mark that--or not? + +_Her Comp._ Oh, I _think_ so. + +_The S. L._ I don't know. I've marked such a quantity already and +the lead won't hold out much longer. Oh, it's by HOOK, R. A. Then I +suppose it's _sure_ to be all right. I've marked it, dear. + +_Duet by Two Dreadfully Severe Young Ladies, who paint a little on +China._ Oh, my _dear_, look at that. Did you ever see such a thing? +Isn't it too perfectly _awful_? And there's a thing! Do come and look +at this horror over here. A "_Study_," indeed. I should just think it +_was_! Oh, MAGGIE, don't be so satirical, or I shall die! No, but +_do_ just see this--isn't it _killing?_ They get worse and worse every +year, I declare! [_And so on._ + +IN GALLERY NO. V. + + (_Two Prosaic Persons come upon a little picture, by_ Mr. + SWAN, _of a boy lying on a rock, piping to fishes._) + +_First P. P._ _That's_ a rum thing! + +_Second P. P._ Yes, I wasn't aware myself that fishes were so partial +to music. + +_First P. P._ They may be--out there--(_perceiving that the boy is +unclad_)--but it's peculiar altogether--they look like herrings to me. + +_Second P. P._ Yes--or mackerel. But (_tolerantly_) I suppose it's a +fancy subject. [_They consider that this absolves them from taking any +further interest in it, and pass on._ + +IN GALLERY NO. XI. + +_An Old Lady (who judges Art from a purely Moral Standpoint, halts +approvingly before a picture of a female orphan)._ Now, that +really _is_ a nice picture, my dear--a plain black dress and white +cuffs--just what I _like_ to see in a young person! + +_The S. L. (her enthusiasm greatly on the wane, and her temper +slightly affected)._ LUCY, I _wish_ you wouldn't worry so--it's quite +impossible to stop and look at _everything_. If you wanted your tea as +badly as _I_ do! Mark that one? What, when they neither of them have a +single _thing_ on! Never, LUCY,--and I'm surprised at your suggesting +it! Oh, you meant the next one? h'm--no, I _can't_ say I care for it. +Well, if I _do_ mark it, I shall only put a tick--for it really is +_not_ worth a cross! + +COMING OUT. + +_The Man who always makes the Right Remark._ H'm. Haven't seen +anything I could carry away with me. + +_His Flippant Friend._ Too many people about, eh? Never mind, old +chap, you _may_ manage to sneak an umbrella down-stairs--_I_ won't say +anything! + + [_Disgust of his companion, who descends stairs in offended + silence, as scene closes._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "EMBARRASSING!"] + + * * * * * + +IN THE KNOW. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet._) + +I AM told that many of the millions who have read with delight the +brilliant sporting articles that have appeared from my pen week after +week expect me to utter a few words of seasonable advice as to the +chances of the various animals engaged in the Derby and the Oaks. If I +were one of the chowder-headed numskulls who cackle for hire, the task +would doubtless be an easy one. Mr. J. has performed it yearly with +that magnificent want of success which attends all his addle-pated +efforts. But, praise be to Heaven! I am not Mr. J., or one of his +crew. I am only a humble writer, distinguished alike for his unerring +sagacity, his undeviating accuracy, and his incisive force of +expression. My task is, therefore, stupendous, but I will perform it. + +THE DERBY. + +There are many horses in for the Derby. Some people fancy _Surefoot_. +Fancies are not, of course, facts, but the name is good. Keep your +eye on the black and cerise of LIDDIARD. _Sainfoin_ is not generally +supposed to cover grass, but there are generally exceptions. I have +not heard the angels calling _Le Nord_ lately, but they may begin at +any time. A man may get _home_, so may a horse, and I am bound to say +that if I were _The Beggar_ I should give the lie to the crack-brained +puddling proverb, and be a chooser of first place. _Bel Demonio_ +should be all there when the first part of his name rings, so that +he may go like the second, if he wants to be one, two, or three. +_Rathbeal_ rhymes to heel. Has he got a clean pair to show? _Orwell_ +should score well; and you must never, tie your _Garter_ too tightly, +unless you want to stop your circulation. _Golden Gate_ is not always +as open as might be wished; and _The Imp_ is sometimes a hindrance. +Good old _Polonius_! As for _Kirkham_, _Alloway_, _Martagon_, and +_Loup_, all I can say is, Mum's the word. How about the Field? Monkeys +are often made there. So much for the Derby. + +THE OAKS. + +Who said _Semolina_? Passion, passion take advice, fill your pockets +fall of _Semolina_. Ha, ha! _Signorina_ ought certainly not to miss +the mark by more than a mile. _Memoire_ might do _pour servir_, +and _Goldwing_ sounds well for a flyer. Those who cross the +_Ponza (sinorum)_ generally go further with ease, and _Dearest_ is +certainly superlative. The Field a monkey. Who said that? Whoever he +was, let him beware! That is all I have to say in the meantime, but +anyone desiring further information is requested to apply to me by +letter at the office, enclosing twelve clean stamps for a reply. +All who are not in a state of niddy-noddying, anserous, asinine, +gruel-brained, pumpkin-faced, gooseberry-eyed imbecility, will, of +course, do so. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PROFESSOR TYNDALL'S LATEST PORTRAIT OF MR. C., +_Executed with Scientific Accuracy and Considerable Restraint of Tone. +(Guildford, May 28.)_] + + * * * * * + +A Shaftesbury Song. + + (AIR--_"With a Doodah!" as sung years ago, with great + applause, by_ Mr. W. E. GL-DST-NE.) + + OUR Author JONES has come out strong + With a _Judah_! With a _Judah_! + Original drama, three Acts long, + _Judah! Judah!_ pay! + It's bound to run each night, + And many a _Matinee_. + I'll lay my money on the WILLARD nag. + Ev'ryone will see the play. + + * * * * * + +"EMBARRASSING!" + +_Or, The Political Scipio and the East African Charmer._ + + "Though the topic of Africa is said to be 'embarrassing and + inconvenient,' it need not occasion any uneasiness at all; + but if the British Government surrenders any portion of the + territory reserved for the sphere of British influence, it may + become most terribly embarrassing within a measurable period + of time."--_Stanley's Reply to Lord Salisbury._ + +STANLEY, _loquitur_:-- + + HISTORY repeats itself! Perhaps it may do, + But "with a difference." The moral Sages + Think that if anyone holds wisdom, _they_ do; + But not all sense is stored in pedant's pages. + Historic parallels, from PLUTARCH downwards, + Are rather pretty fancies than realities. + I am no book-worm, have no leanings gownwards. + And set small store by moralist's banalities. + To pose as SCIPIO, that pudent Roman, + So praised by pedagogue POLYBIUS, seemingly + Pleases a Tory Premier. Well, our foeman + Won't slumber whilst _we_ choose to doze on dreamingly. + SCIPIO at New Carthage was a hero + Of virgin virtue and high generosity; + But hopes in Africa will fall to zero, + If "policy" means virtuous pomposity. + The chaste Proconsul turned his visage blushingly, + From what with him was personal temptation; + But what's good rule for one will fall quite crushingly + If 'tis adopted by a mighty nation. + SCIPIO, no doubt, was splendid in his modest + And generous dealings with those Spanish hostages; + But SALISBURY-SCIPIO? Picture of the oddest! + Imperial rule is not all Penny Postages, + Dainty diplomacies, generous concessions + To Teuton tastes and Hohenzollern fancies; + Or faith in bland CAPRIVI'S fine professions, + And wandering WEISSMANN'S roseate romances. + Kilimi-Njaro, Masai-Land, the Congo, + Should satisfy your thirst for abnegation; + And now, methinks, dear Lord, you cannot wrong go, + If you go in for--let's say "exploitation." + SCIPIO the Elder was not given to letting + The Carthaginians get too much the best of him. + Now on the Teuton it is even betting; + To squeeze you north, or south, or east, or west of him. + Out of the Congo State on the west border, + Out of the Southern Soudan on his north one! + By Jove, my Lord, that seems a biggish order! + To stop it needs some struggle, and 'tis worth one. + That poor East African Company's affronted, + While Iron-clads and soldiers help the Teuton. + _Must_ they then be from the Nyanza shunted, + And _must_ I all their miseries be mute on, + Because plain speech is what you call "embarrassing." + Because unto the Teuton you're so tender? + Must Englishmen in Africa stand harassing, + And stoop to a calm policy of Surrender, + And all that a proud Premier at Hatfield + May play the SCIPIO--in this feeble fashion? + My Lord, we did not win our spurs in _that_ field. + Upon my soul, it puts me in a passion; + And not me only, but, as you'll discover, + A lot of Englishmen who watch this drama. + SCIPIO was not an indiscriminate lover, + But it was he licked HANNIBAL at Zama. + I bring you, SCIPIO, the East Afric beauty + Captured and chained, but opulent and charming. + You turn away! From sacred sense of duty? + From fear of your (political) virtue harming? + No! SCIPIO seemed ruled by honour's laws + When to the captured beauty he was lenient, + You turn away, sham SCIPIO, because + She seems "embarrassing and inconvenient!" + + * * * * * + +BEER. + + [Messrs. SPIERS AND POND say in a letter in _The Daily + Telegraph_, that "bottled beer is really what the great + majority of the public want when they are out for a holiday."] + + MENTION not the wines of Medoc, nor the vintage of Bordeaux, + Or the Burgundy that rivals e'en the ruby in its flow; + Though the growers of Epernay and the merry men of Rheims, + Pour champagne that holds the sunlight in exhilarating streams; + There's a finer nobler tipple, that the Briton's heart doth cheer, + And he clings with fond affection to his draught or bottled beer. + + Amber Rudesheimer charms us wandering by the haunted Rhine, + Sparkling Hock near Ehrenbreitstein is a mighty pleasant wine; + In agreement with the German we have vowed we loved full well, + To behold the bubbles flashing on a goblet of Moselle; + But the Briton hugs his tankard, and would count the man an ass + Who held not in highest honour nectar from the vats of BASS. + + Port is worthy of acceptance, once men made the bottle spin; + Sherry hath a welcome flavour when the filberts have come in: + Scotsmen have been seen imbibing in the mountains of the north, + What is known as whiskey-toddy in the lands beside the Forth: + But the Englishmen will tell you that for really sterling worth-- + BASS'S beer can beat all liquids that were ever made on earth. + + * * * * * + +THE BITTER CRY OF THE LONDON RIDER HAGGARD AND JADED. + +[Illustration] + +_To the Chief Commissioners of Works, The Ditto of Police, and to +"George" Ranger._ + +WHY not open up rides in Kensington Gardens? Say one good one under +the trees from South-West to North-West, and connect Kensington with +Bayswater? Will any benefactor to unfortunate Metropolitan Equestrians +force this North-West passage? + +There is a meagre ride at the side of the road in the Inner +Circle, Regent's Park. Why not a good ride right across Park? From +considerable observation and experience of Kensington Gardens and +Regent's Park, it may be confidently asserted, that such rides as are +here proposed, would not interfere with the comfort of a single (or +married) nurse or governess with children in her charge. Both places +are comparatively unfrequented, and the proposed rides would not +infringe upon the recreation of the London boys. + +We strongly recommend the Chief Commissioner to visit Paris, and, +mounted upon a comfortable horse, let him make the acquaintance of the +delightful _sentiers_ laid out as rides in the Bois de Boulogne. This +will be a first-rate French exercise for him, and he will learn a +great deal from it. The DUKE, who is fond of equitation, especially +in Battersea Park, must admit that the equestrians of London are very +badly off for variety. Up and down Rotten Row, once into the siding by +the Barracks, once to the dismal ride on the North side, and once back +again by the ride that opens on to the Mausoleum-like Magazine,--which +of all London Magazines is the dreariest,--this, and only this, is the +daily burden of the patient London rider's song. "How long? How long?" +as Mr. WILSON BARRETT used to be always exclaiming in _The Silver +King_, or _Claudian_, or both. How long--will mounted London put up +with this, which is the reverse of a merry-go-round? + +Then we have to be thankful for the small mercy of a narrow strip of a +ride, barely room for one, along Constitution Hill, and for that other +strip, a trifle wider, in Birdcage Walk, which is always crowded with +children, and one might as well be riding through nursery grounds. Why +shouldn't there be here a cut right across the grass, from The Walk of +the Birdcages to middle of Piccadilly? + +If GEORGE RANGER, the Chief Commissioner of Police, and the Chief of +the Board of Works would combine, we might get something done which +would benefit the riders--riders haggard and jaded--and materially +assist the smallest circulation (possessed by those who ride to live) +in the world. There is one thing that ought to be put down, and put +down with a strong hand,--and that is plenty of gravel at all the +gates; but especially round and about the Marble Arch, which is a most +dangerously slippery pass. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE "SILK" EXHIBITION. + +WHAT OUR ARTIST EXPECTED TO FIND THERE.] + + * * * * * + +RAILWAY UNPUNCTUALITY REPORT; + +_Or, What it may probably come to._ + +THAT the new Legislation has begun to tell favourably on the conduct +of the traffic of the leading lines cannot for a moment be doubted +after glancing at the thirteenth Bi-weekly Record, published at the +Companies' expense, according to the Provisions of the recent Act, on +the back of all their passenger-tickets. It is satisfactory to note +how, in something like six weeks, punctuality in the train service +seems really almost established, the only train arriving one minute +late being one of the Edinburgh Expresses, of which the boiler of the +engine blew up at Grantham, thereby causing a little delay, which, +however, was picked up before the conclusion of the run by extra +steaming. The heavy penal system which the new Legislation has +introduced, is, of course, answerable for this delightful change; but +a glance at the following table for the six weeks since the Act has +come into operation, will show how effectively and rapidly it has +worked:-- + +----------------------------------------------------------------- + Trains Chairmen Directors Station Other + late. put sentenced Masters Officials + in Irons. to Penal sentenced sent + Servitude. to Hard to Gaol + Labour. and Fined. +-------------------------------------------------------------- +First week | 1725 | 9 | 95 | 192 | 2004 +Second, Do. | 3 | 1 | 3 | 17 | 143 +Third, Do. | 2 | .. | 2 | 11 | 88 +Fourth, Do. | 1 | 1 | 1 | 3 | 15 +Fifth, Do. | .... | .. | 1[A] | .. | .. +Sixth, Do. | 1 | 1 | 2 | 5 | 10 +-------------------------------------------------------------- + +[Footnote A: Precautionary sentence.] + +The list of officials, as furnished in the above Schedule, undergoing +their various periods of punishment, is an encouraging sign to the +travelling public, and it is satisfactory to notice that the old +unpunctuality that marked the first week, followed up as it was _by a +rigorous application of the new law_, instantly disappeared as if +by magic, when the Companies began really to understand their +responsibilities and their penalties under the new Act. It is +confidently, therefore, to be hoped, that next week's record may +possibly be an entirely clean one, and that, _the only method of +ensuring punctuality_, namely, the infliction of a penalty on the +Authorities who can control it, may be found in practice to be +entirely successful. + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTION GRATIS.--Why doesn't some enterprising publisher engage +Sergeant PALMER of the 19th Knowles's Century Powder Magazine to +write a Military Romance? There has been nothing of the sort worth +mentioning since CHARLES LEVER. The Sergeant could write under the +_nom de guerre_ of _Micky Free, Redivivus_. + +(_Signed_) BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +_Q._ If several Householders who love peace and quietness on Sunday, +should combine to put down the Salvation Army's so-called singing, +what Mountains would they resemble?--_A._ The Hymn Allayers. + + * * * * * + +THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY. + +[Illustration: Marguerite Nordica Slybootzen coming home from church.] + +_Monday, May 26._--Faust. Faust-rate performance as far as JACK and +NED DE RESZKE are concerned. Madame NORDICA is far too knowing a +_Marguerite_. The simple _Faust_, just beginning life, is evidently +no match for this guileless young lady. Being "no match for her" +is probably the reason for his not marrying her. NORDICA charming +vocally, but dramatically there is too much of the _Becky Sharp_ about +her, and she is merely in a plot with _Martha_ to let in the rich and +spoony Juggins called _Faust_. New man, FRANCESCHETTI, as _Valentine_, +not quite the thing: perhaps nervous seeing DAN DRADY in front looking +at him. Good house for Whit Monday, though of course The Brilliancies +are absent. Choruses excellent. What capital match-boxes the old +men in the Old Men's Chorus would make! Good contrast between Mlle. +BAUERMEISTER as _Martha_, and NED DE R. as _Mephistopheles_. + +_Tuesday._--Glorious Opera, _Les Huguenots_; French title with Italian +names, such as _Valentina_, _Margherita di Valois_, _Urbano_, +&c. First appearance of Monsieur Ybos. _Why Boss?_ Always thought +DRURIOLANUS was Boss of this Show. Better change name to _Y-not-bos_, +and the answer will come from DRURIOLANUS himself, "Iboss." Monsieur +YBOS belongs to the school of Signor VIBRATO. Energetic but too angry +with _Valentina_, when she confesses that she loves him. ELLA RUSSELL +magnificent as sleeveless _Queen_. NED DE RESZKE the best possible +_Marcello_. As DRURIOLANUS, dropping into poetry, observes-- + + He is the very best _Marcello_, + With a voice like the deepest violoncello. + +Monsieur DUFRICHE as _San Bris_, "quite the _brie_," or cheese. Madame +TETRAZZINI a dramatic _Valentina_. DAN DRADY a first-rate _Conte di +Nevers-too-late-to-mend_. Curfew-Watchman in perfect tune. Soldiers' +rataplanatory chorus very nearly perfection at finish, though starting +shakily. Little PALLADINO danced so delightfully as even to bewitch +the Hug-me-not soldiers. I've seen this Opera any number of times, and +I have been at considerable trouble and expense to master the plot. +An idea strikes me. I shall publish _Examination Papers on Popular +Operas_. What the prize will be for the one who answers correctly from +memory, without reference to any _libretto_, is a matter for further +consideration. Here is a specimen of examination paper on the +_Huguenots_:-- + +ACT I.--Why is _Raoul_ blindfolded? + +What is _Miss Valentine_ doing in somebody else's house? + +Why does _Raoul's_ servant come in and sing a hymn? + +Why is he apparently pleased when _Raoul_ is blindfolded and taken +away? + +ACT. II.--Account for the dresses of the bathing-women who come in and +dance before the Queen. Where are the machines? + +What is the Page's song, "_No, no, no, no!_" about? + +[Illustration: _Raoul di Nangis Ybos._ "'Tu m'ami!' How dare you! +'_Tu_ m'ami!' I can't tell you how angry I am with you. I'll _vibrato_ +you!" + +[_Shakes himself, and her at the same time._]] + +Is _Raoul_ in love with the Queen, or the Queen with _Raoul_? In +either case account reasonably for the subsequent conduct of each of +them. + +What is the Queen singing about at commencement of Act? + +ACT III.--What is _Valentine_ doing out in the streets, in a +wedding-dress, late at night? + +Why do the women turn their backs on the church when they kneel in the +streets to say their prayers? Is there no more kneeling-room inside +the church? If so, why are people still being admitted while the women +are kneeling outside? What service should you say was going on? + +Where do the Maritanas with tambourines all come from? And why? +Are they the bathing-women in another costume? If so, show their +connection with the plot. + +After the curfew has sounded, and a man with a lantern has sent +everyone to bed, why do all the people suddenly come out of bed again, +every one of them all dressed and ready for anything? + +What is the Queen doing riding about the town at night on a white +horse? + +ACT IV.--Don't you think the Conspirators are very simple-minded +people, not to look behind the curtain where _Raoul_ is hidden? What +have the nuns to do with the blessing of the daggers? Wouldn't they be +rather in the way in a conspiracy? + +On what storey does the action of Act IV. take place, and what is the +height from the ground that _Raoul_ has to leap when he jumps out of +the window? + +There used to be a Fifth Act, with a grand _trio_ and _chorale_, +what has become of it? If played, does anyone stop to hear it? If not +played, can audience sue the management, or demand their money back? + +[Illustration: Unexpected effect. Sudden appearance of representative +of Katti Lanner.] + +_Thursday._--Memorable for two _rentrees_ and one first appearance. +_Rentree_ of Madame ETELKA GERSTER, _rentree_ of RAVELLI, and first +appearance, on stage, this season, of Covent Garden Cat. Trying +position for the sleep-walking heroine in bed-room scene, when the +Covent Garden Cat (who was in front last Tuesday night, when she ran +round the ledge of the pit tier in humble imitation of little LAURIE +at Pantomime time) suddenly rushes from under the bed, and after +nearly frightening into fits naughty little LISA BAUERMEISTER, who +happens to be hiding there, walks with tail erect quietly across +the stage, and makes a good exit R. 2. E. Count EDOUARD, in +commencement-of-nineteenth-century hat and coat, finished off with +trousers and patent-leather boots of date A.D. 1890, much amused. +_Amina_ supposed to be walking in her sleep, can't possibly take +notice of animal, but House in chuckles, as an audience always is, +whenever the harmless and quite unnecessary cat appears upon the +stage. _Rentree_ of RAVELLI, in first-rate voice. Everyone charmed +with him, and with NED DE RESZKE. Signor RINALDINO an amusing +_Alessio_, and Madame SINICO tunefully affectionate as the devoted and +sympathetic Mamma of the Aminable heroine. Melodies of our childhood, +delightful to hear them again; and the good old-fashioned Italian +Opera terminations to the choruses admirably rendered. + +_Friday._--"_Dr. Faust_, I presume?" I wasn't there. Opera went on, I +believe, in my absence. + +_Saturday._--_La Traviata._ ELLA RUSSELL at her best. Tenor MONTARIOL +not quite at his best as that despicable character _Alfredo_. M. +PALERMINI (why not "Old Pal"?) very good as _Giorgio Germont_. The +magnificently-attired chorus enjoy themselves amazingly at supper in +Act I., for _Violetta_, when she does do the thing, does it well, and +there are certainly not less than four bottles of champagne among a +hundred guests. + +_Questions for Examination Paper._--At whose house does this +supper-party take place? Why do all the guests leave at once? Why is +everyone in a Charles the Second costume except _Violetta_, who is +in fashionable evening dress of 1890? Who is the young lady whom +_Violetta_ so affectionately kisses? and what, if anything, has she to +do with the plot? + +_In Act III._--Is it a _bal masque_? If not, what is it, and where? +What is the simple game of cards which _Alfredo_ plays with such +enthusiasm? Who wins? and how much? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CAUTION. + +_Married Sister._ "AND OF COURSE, LAURA, YOU WILL GO TO ROME OR +FLORENCE FOR YOUR HONEYMOON?" + +_Laura._ "OH DEAR, NO! I COULDN'T THINK OF GOING FURTHER THAN THE ISLE +OF WIGHT WITH A MAN I KNOW LITTLE OR NOTHING OF!"] + + * * * * * + +"DOUBTFUL!" + +OWNER. + + OUR Stable's a bit out of form + (Says more than one usual backer), + The pace will be made pretty warm, + And the finish will be a rare cracker. + By Jove! we must put our best goods in the front, + Or possibly we may be out of the hunt. + +TRAINER. + + Come, Sir, don't go talking like that! + Cantankerous critics will chatter. + Our 'osses can go a rare "bat," + Theirs funk it, Sir! _That's_ what's the matter! + Eh, RITCHIE, my boy? Oh, the crack that you ride + Will _go_, when he once settles into his stride. + +JOCKEY. + + My opinion's of little account, + But I don't mind admitting, yer honour, + I am _not_ dead nuts on my mount. + Some say he's as good as a goner. + Though the Witlers are on him, of course, to a man, + His own brother warn't placed the one time as he ran. + +OWNER. + + The _Brother Bung_ stock, _entre nous_, + All show soft, when it comes to close racing. + This horse looks a bit of a "screw,"-- + There, GOSCHEN, no need for grimacing. + I mean no offence; he's well trained, and _might_ win; + But--well, backers seem cautious in planking their tin. + +TRAINER. + + Humph! Pencillers _have_ been at work; + They'll muck the nag's chance, if they're able. + Fatty CAINE--the fanatical shirk!-- + Seems inclined to abandon the Stable. + But still _Compensation's_ a horse to my mind. + He will finish with fewer before than behind. + +OWNER. + + Ah! but that's not quite good enough, G. + Just now what we want's a clear winner. + Our new string of cracks numbers three; + There's _Tithe_ (who's a timid beginner), + _Land Purchase_, a nailer, and this, your pet nag. + The question is, which is the best of the bag? + + _Land Purchase_, now, comes of sound stock + (By _Tenant-Right_ out of _Coercion_), + And then I've such faith in his Jock! + Nay, RITCHIE, I mean no aspersion. + You ride very nicely indeed for a "pup;" + But BALFOUR! All's right when the cry's "ARTHUR'S Up!" + +JOCKEY. + + Oh! he's a fair scorcher, a brick, + With the long legs--and luck--of the "Tinman." + But when of the mounts you've the pick, + It's hard if you can't score a win, man. + You stick me on _Land Purchase_, guv'nor, and see + If the "pup," as you call him, ain't in the first three! + +OWNER. + + Ah, there it is, GOSCHEN, you know; + That justifies what I was saying. + I fancy this animal's slow, + Not sure that his specialty's staying. + I think, if we value our Stable--and tin-- + That we should declare with _Land Purchase_ to win. + + [_Left discussing it._ + + * * * * * + +DERBY DISAPPOINTMENTS. + +To go to Epsom with a view to a day's enjoyment. + +To imagine that there is any sport on the road down, and ditto +returning. + +To believe that a heavy lunch of lukewarm lobster salad and simmering +champagne can be taken with impunity. + +To fancy that one can get into a train bound for the Downs without +losing one's temper. + +To think that there is any fun in listening to the ribald songs of +street nigger minstrels and Shoreditch gipsies. + +To expect that, after taking part in half a dozen drag sweeps, any one +of them will turn up trumps. + +To presume that you will neither be choked with dust nor drenched with +rain before you get home. + +Lastly, to back the Winner for L10,000, payable by the Bank of +England, to draw the right number at all the West-End Clubs to which +you belong, becoming in consequence betrothed to the only and lovely +daughter of a millionnaire Duke, and then (on waking) to find it all a +dream! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DOUBTFUL!" + +LORD SALISBURY (_to Trainer_). "H'M!--DON'T QUITE LIKE THE LOOK OF +HIM. BETTER DECLARE TO WIN WITH _LAND PURCHASE_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A WARNING IN WAX. + +WHAT THE STATUE LOOKED LIKE WHEN IT LEFT THE SCULPTOR'S HAND FOR +EXHIBITION. + +ITS APPEARANCE WHEN THE BRITISH PUBLIC HAD ASCERTAINED, BY EXPERIMENT, +THAT IT REALLY WAS IN WAX.] + + * * * * * + +THE BALLAD OF THE EARL'S BREEKS. + + "I am wearing a pair of Co-operative trousers."--_Lord + Rosebery, at Congress of Delegates from the Co-operative + Societies of Great Britain and Ireland, meeting at Glasgow._ + + TALK of Dual Garmenture! Here's a picture, to be sure, + That a pleasanter, more potent lesson teaches. + Croakers given to foolish fright might take courage at the sight + Of Lord ROSEBERY'S Co-operative Breeches! + For our Earl's a canny chief, and the timidest must feel + That by what he advocates no sort of hurt is meant; + And if anybody wants true co-operative pants, + He'll be glad to read Lord ROSEBERY'S advertisement. + Co-operation now frightens very few, I trow, + (Who wear trousers); but a few years earlier? Bless us! + Such breeks would have been bogies to a lot of frightened fogies, + They would just as soon have donned the shirt of Nessus. + Now an Earl to Glasgow goes, 'midst the men once thought our foes, + And about Co-operation learns--and also teaches; + And receives with genial glee from the Tweed Society + A pair of Tweed Co-operative Breeches! + Why eighty-six per cent. (at Clackmannan) are intent, + (Nearly nine-tenths of all its population), + In a fashion fair as stout, upon fully working out + The principles of true Co-operation. + Yet there are no earthquakes there, and Lord ROSEBERY in the chair + At the Congress of Co-operative Delegates, + Talks in tones of hearty cheer, and the very thought of fear + To a Limbo Fatuorum calmly relegates. + Members One million men, with a capital of _Ten_, + And an annual sale of close on _Thirty Seven_! + Two millions more each year! Yes, it's truly pretty clear + That the State feels the co-operative leaven. + And though it is mere hum to see the Millennium, + Because Co-operators cheerfully co-operate, + Yet it _is_ a mighty movement, and our hopes of Earth's improvement + May rise with it, at a prudent and a proper rate. + Pooh! the pessimistic dreams of pragmatical Earl WEMYSS + May well excite this sager Earl's derision. + Forty Millions total profit! No, we are _not_ nearing Tophet, + Any more than we are touching realms Elysian. + Those on Co-Ops so sweet and shopkeepers need not treat + Each other like the cats of old Kilkenny, + From each other they might learn, live together and all turn, + With sagacity and skill, an honest penny. + There's no need for any gush, but "The Principle" will push + As Lord ROSEBERY foreshadows to high places; + And it was not all his fun when he hinted we might run + Our Empire on co-operative bases! + They who want to understand what is stirring in the land, + Should peruse PRIMROSE'S pithiest of speeches, + Meanwhile _Punch_ drinks good health to the "Labourer's Commonwealth," + And long wear to those Co-operative Breeches! + + * * * * * + +WEEK BY WEEK. + +_Monday._--Preparing for the Derby. Mr. STANLEY goes out of his way to +meet Lord SALISBURY. Lord SALISBURY goes out of Mr. H. M. S's. way. + +_Tuesday._--More preparations for Derby. + +_Wednesday._--The Derby. _Mr. Punch_ out for the day. Party at Foreign +Office to meet Mr. STANLEY unavoidably postponed. + +_Thursday._--Trying to recover from Derby Day. + +_Friday._--Private Eclipse of the Sun. For tickets to view, inquire +at Timekeeper's Office, Charing Cross. Only a limited number will be +issued. + +_Saturday._--Lord SALISBURY'S first dance to meet Mr. STANLEY. + + * * * * * + +SOCIAL festivities which were much disturbed by the Whitsuntide +holidays, have now been resumed in all their splendour. The Mile +End Athenaeum yesterday held their annual reception in the palatial +institution designed for the accommodation of the intellectual +_elite_ of the district. The rooms were crowded from an early hour. +Proceedings began with an address on "The AEsthetic Position of Mile +End," delivered by the President. This was followed by some graceful +step-dancing, executed by two stars from the neighbouring Hall +of Variety. Later on the guests, having, as is usual, exchanged +over-coats, and tossed with the Club halfpenny for umbrellas, +separated to their homes. + + * * * * * + +Lady CLEMENTINA CROPPER has issued cards for a musical evening at +which all the most eminent performers are expected. The Whistling +Quintette and the Whispering Choir have been engaged. Her Ladyship's +parties are famous for the animation and brilliancy of their +conversation. + + * * * * * + +It is understood that the Stewards of the Jockey Club at their last +meeting resolved to suppress the use of all strong language on Derby +Day. Any owner discovered in the act of saying "blow" will be confined +to barracks for a fortnight. Anything more violent will involve +perpetual suspension, with the loss of all the privileges of a British +Citizen. Any jockey denouncing his neighbour's eyes will be converted +into an automatic toffee-distributor. If he repeats the offence, he +will be forbidden to vote at the next County Council Election. These +salutary regulations will be strictly enforced. + + * * * * * + +The Railway Companies anticipate no difficulty in conveying visitors +to Epsom within two hours of the time fixed for their arrival. Much +interest attaches to some novel experiments in shunting, which are +to be carried out between Epsom and London to-day. The point is to +discover whether an excursion train loaded with passengers at the +rate of thirty to a carriage designed for eight, can be shunted into +a siding so as to clear an express moving at a constant velocity of +fifty miles an hour, drinks included. The pace of the excursion train +may be neglected in the solution of the problem. + + * * * * * + +"I have never understood," says a Correspondent, who signs himself +"PUZZLED," "why a dog should always use his left hind-leg for the +purpose of scratching his left ear, and _vice versa_ his right leg for +his right ear. Can any of your readers enlighten me?" + + * * * * * + +GROSVENOR GEMS. (SECOND VISIT.) + +[Illustration: No. 180. Littler and Littler.] + +[Illustration: No. 36. W. Qrious Jaundiceson, R.A.] + +[Illustration: No. 140. "Mr. Stanley, I presume?"] + +[Illustration: No. 102. Marvellous Acrobatic Feat.] + +[Illustration: No. 109. The Dairy Maid and the Butteries.] + + * * * * * + +EXCHELSIOR! + +TOLD that I can "assist the progress of Military Science" if I go up +in a "War Balloon" at Chelsea. Don't know anything about ballooning, +but do want to assist Military Science. + +Arrive at Chelsea Exhibition Grounds. See the Balloon being inflated. +Disappointed, as a "War Balloon" seems to be exactly the same as a +Peace Balloon. Expected it to be armour-plated, or fitted with aerial +torpedoes, or something of that sort. Ask Professional Aeronaut if I +mayn't take a bomb up with me, and drop it, as practice for war time? +Aeronaut scowls fiercely. Asks, "If I want to blow the Balloon to +smithereens?" Also asks, "If I have any bombs about me now?" Looks as +if he would like to search me! Drop the subject--not the bomb. Still, +I _should_ like to know how I can "assist Military Science." Take my +place in car nervously. + +Somebody shouts, "Let go!" What an extraordinary sensation! Feel as if +I had suddenly left digestive portion of my anatomy a mile below me. +Have felt same sort of thing in crossing Channel. Look over edge +of car. Appalling! Wish I hadn't been such a fool as to come. Ask +Professional Aeronaut, "What would happen if a rope broke now?" +He replies, sulkily, "your neck would break too." Not comforting. +Question is--How long will this last without my being sea-sick? + +Also, How am I "assisting progress of Military Science?" Balloon +calmer, and _not_ wobbling, thank Heaven! Begin to enjoy the view. How +beastly cold it is up here, though! Passing over St. Paul's--suggest +to fellow passenger that with a bomb, or better still a pistol, one +could "pot" the Dome. Passenger (funny man) says, "Why not try a +para_shoot_?" I laugh heartily, and nearly fall over side. Aeronaut, +roughly, "wishes to goodness I'd keep still." _I_ wish to goodness +he'd make the Balloon keep still--don't say this, however. + +Somewhere over Essex. See distant sea. Aeronaut says, "There's no end +of a wind springing up." Heavens! Believe we are drifting out to +sea! But I didn't want to "assist progress of _Naval_ Science"--only +"Military." Tell Aeronaut this. He says, he's "just going down." Talks +as if he were "going down" to breakfast--after "getting up," as we +have done! Rather a good joke for mid-air. But is it mid-air? We are +descending rapidly. Digestion this time left up in clouds. Tearing +along over fields. Balloon pitching and tossing violently. Grapnel +thrown out. Catches a cow. Cow runs with us. Idiot! Why can't it stand +steady? + +Awful crash! Bump, bang, whack! Balloon explodes with fearful report. +Yet no reporters present! Remember nothing more. Wake up, and find +myself in Hospital of an Essex town. Query--Have I, or have I not, +"assisted the progress of Military Science?" + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_The Marsh King's Daughter._ One of WARNE & CO.'S publications for +children's amusement, but the illustrations by JESSIE CURRIE are +too highly curried, or rather coloured, and the effect is hard and +theatrical. By the way, Miss CURRIE'S genius is a trifle wilful; +for example, take this situation, which she has chosen to +illustrate,--"She ... pointed to a horse. He mounted upon it, and she +sprang before him, and held tightly by the mane." Now, asks the Baron, +taking for granted the "sprang" is for "sprang up," how would ordinary +talent depict this scene? Why, certainly, by showing the girl mounted +on the horse, holding on by the mane in front of the man, and the man +up behind. Not so Miss CURRIE. She puts the good man--apparently +an Amateur Monk--astride the horse, and she riding behind, holding +lightly as it appears, with one hand the broad red crupper, and, with +the other, probably, some portion of the Amateur Monk's dressing-gown. +But genius must not be fettered. + +_AEsop Redivivus_ is delightful, if only for the reappearance of the +quaint old woodcuts--some of which, however, the Baron is of opinion, +never belonged to the original edition--yet, with a polite bow to +MARY BOYLE, he would venture to observe that, in his opinion, the +revivification is an excellent idea rather thrown away. Whether it +would have been better for more or less Boyleing, he is not absolutely +certain, but perhaps the notion required a somewhat different +treatment. The best of the fables is _The Sly Stag_, which, according +to the woodcut, ought to have been a goat. But there may be some +subtle humour in the frequent incongruity between a fable and its +pictorial illustration. + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +GRANDOLPH VICTORIOUS.--Rather fresh Easterly-windy weather for racing, +last week; glad, therefore, to hear that GRANDOLPH "had a lot on." His +_Abbesse de Jouarre_ was not to be stopped by any _Father Confessor_, +and came in first. What will he name his next probable starter? _John +Wesley_? + + * * * * * + +RECENT letters to _The Times_ represent Tangiers to English tourists +as the most Tangierble point for a holiday trip. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MINE OF INFORMATION. + +"WHAT'S A CENTAUR, PAPA?" + +"A CENTAUR, MY CHILD, IS A FABULOUS CREATURE, NOW _EXTINCT!_"] + + * * * * * + +MORE ABOUT TALLEYRAND. + +_To the Editor of "Punch."_ + +DEAR SIR,--You have on many occasions honoured me by inserting my +contributions, and consequently it is to you I turn in the present +difficulty. A few days since an appeal was made in the columns of one +of your contemporaries which it is hard to resist. + +_A propos_ of the Talleyrand Autobiography a gentleman, who had given +some extracts therefrom, wrote--"What I have quoted shows the charm +and interest of the work, but does not discount its publication; +and this, I hope, will be enough to enforce on the custodians of the +Memoirs the obligation of reflection before continuing to suppress +and to frustrate the legitimate curiosity of the public." I have +reflected, and, without making any admission, I submit that possibly +the following passages may attain the end which the gentleman in +question seemingly suggests. + +When TALLEYRAND, in 1801, was at Amiens, assisting JOSEPH BONAPARTE +in conducting negotiations with Lord CORNWALLIS for the final +ratification of peace, he had an interview with the representative of +England. I give a translation from a paper in my possession:-- + + "It was already the everlasting opposition of maritime and + manufacturing towns that prevented this consummation. + When Milor (CORNWALLIS?) observed, with insular bluntness + (_bonhomie_), 'The outcome will be a new throne (_encore + une chaise bien decore_) for J. B.' I replied, 'This will + certainly not be to the advantage of Son Altesse JOSEPH (_pas + pour Jose_).'" + +Does not this read as if written yesterday? Five years later +TALLEYRAND entered into a direct communication with Fox by letter, and +this led to a personal interview with Lord YARMOUTH. I make a second +quotation:-- + + "I told Mister-for-laughter (_esquire pour rire_) that there + would be no difficulty in restoring to England Hanover, + which was then in possession of Prussia. The Englishman + (_l'Anglais_), who had been imbibing some generous wine (_vin + ordinaire a dix sous_), stammered out that he considered the + suggestion piscatorial. 'Milor,' I retorted, with a polite + bow, 'to a YARMOUTH accustomed to bloaters all things must + appear fishy!'" + +Considering TALLEYRAND'S flexible mind, and the ease with which he +resigned himself to blunders when they did not seem to him dangerous, +this judgment, expressed with surprising emphasis, is the most +striking condemnation which can be passed on the tone adopted by the +British negotiator. With rare skill TALLEYRAND avoids the dryness +usual to memoirs of a personal character. As an instance of this, +I give a description of the desertion by the wily diplomatist of +NAPOLEON in 1814, when the Emperor had consented to retire to +Elba. That this passage may have additional force, I give it in the +original, possibly very original, French:-- + + "Je n'aime pas lui. Je pensais de cet homme qu'il etait un + espece de polichinelle (_a quaint sort of puppet_), qu'il + n'etait pas la valeur de son sel (_not the value of his + salt_), et voila la raison pourquoi je lui vende (_why I + offered him for sale_). Il n'a pu supporter la bienfaisance + avec satisfaction, ni les choses bien desagreables avec + complaisance." + +"He could not bear the things that were disagreeable with +complacency." Volumes might be written on that phrase, which at this +moment, if we look around us, suggests numerous parallel instances. +I have heard a man growl when a plate of soup has been poured by a +careless waiter on his dress waistcoat, I have noticed a lady frown +when I have myself accidentally torn her train from its body, by +treading upon it at an evening party. TALLEYRAND knew NAPOLEON--"He +could not bear the things that were disagreeable with complacency!" +And yet BONAPARTE is sometimes called "_Le Grand_!" (The Great!) + +Here I pause, as I feel that I may have already gone too far. It is +not for me to say how the document from which I have quoted, came into +my possession. But before I satisfy the legitimate curiosity of the +public further, I consider it my professional duty to consult the Bar +Committee, the Council of the Incorporated Law Society, the President +of the Probate, Divorce, and Admiralty Division of the High Court of +Justice, and the LORD CHANCELLOR, many of whom are unfortunately still +absent, enjoying the Whitsuntide Vacation. I have the honour to be, +dear Sir, + +Your most obedient Servant, + + (_Signed_) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. + + _Pump-handle Court, June 2nd, 1890._ + + * * * * * + +A NOVEL WITH A PURPOSE. + + DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +How a few hundred pounds may be easily and honestly earned is a +problem which daily exercises the imaginations of thousands. I was +fortunate enough to hit upon a plan which I now feel it to be my duty +to make as widely known as possible for the benefit of those whose +need is greater than mine; for, curiously enough, not only did my +work bring me in that direct emolument, upon which I not unwarrantably +reckoned, but an elderly lady of unstable views was so taken with +the chaotic benevolence of my book, that she bequeathed to me a very +handsome legacy indeed, and almost immediately enabled me to realise +it. Thus does the absolutely unexpected serve as the handmaid of the +perfectly unintended, and enterprise retires from the lodgings of +struggle to the villa of repose. My plan briefly was to write a +quasi-religious Novel with a Purpose. I knew nothing about religion, +and had no literary experience, but the purpose I had, and that +purpose was, to make enough money to spend six weeks at Herne Bay, a +locality to which I am passionately addicted. + +A brief sketch of my proceedings will be the best explanation and +guide to others. I first bought a sixpenny scrap-album, a pot of +paste, and a pair of strong scissors; and a shillingsworth of penny +novelettes of various kinds and dates, and a shillingsworth of cheap +manuscript-paper completed my outlay. I then took the goods home and +got to work. Glancing through the pile of novelettes, I soon found an +opening that struck me as most suitable, cut it out, and pasted it in +the scrap-book. Now came the chief literary exercise of my task. I had +to go carefully through the passage, changing the names of the places +and people, and making a few necessary substitutions, _e.g._, +"The cuckoo was calling, and the dove cooing from the neighbouring +woodland," would stand in my version "The cuckoo was cuckooing, and +the dove calling from the adjacent thicket," while a sky described +as "azure" in the original, would figure as "lapis lazuli," or, even +blue. + +The introduction safely engineered, I took another novelette from the +pile, and holding it firmly in the left hand, I grasped the scissors +with the thumb and forefinger of the right, cut three or four extracts +at random, of rather more than half a column in length, and pasted +these in the album, leaving about space enough for a couple of pages +of three-volume novel, between each section. + +Thus I dealt with my twelve novelettes, and then went through them +again, and even again. Then the hard work began. I had to draw up +a list of names of my own, and then to go carefully through the +extracts, assigning the speeches to the best of my ability to the +most suitable of my own characters. This, however, was infinitely +less trouble than inventing dialogue, a process for which I always +entertained an insuperable aversion. I was also confronted at times by +adventures in my extracts which were quite unsuited for the novel with +a purpose, which, according to the justest canons, should never get +beyond a sprained ankle; and even that has to be handled with the +greatest discretion--generally by the wavering curate. So I had in +several places to tone down precipices, stay the inflowing tide with +more success than King CANUTE, and stop runaway horses before they had +excited alarm in their fair riders, or brought the discarded lover out +into the road, saying in a tone of quiet command, "Stop! This cannot +be allowed to go any farther." + +Next, through the kindness of a friend, who was a householder, I +procured a reading ticket for the British Museum Library, and from the +writings of HERBERT SPENCER, HUXLEY, EMERSON, MATTHEW ARNOLD, +RUSKIN, Dr. MOMERIE, and Mr. WALTER PATER, and largely from the +more pretentious Reviews and Magazines, I made copious and tolerably +bewildering extracts, which I apportioned among the vacant spaces in +my story, with more regard to the length than to the circumstances. I +next went carefully over the whole, writing in a line here and there +to make things smooth and pleasant, and artfully acknowledging the +quotations in an incidental manner. The result was a surprisingly +interesting and suggestive work, and when I had copied it all out in a +fair, clerkly hand, I found no difficulty in disposing of it, to good +advantage, to a publisher of repute. The book caught on immensely. +I became for one dazzling season a second-rate lion of the first +magnitude. I was pointed out by literary celebrities whom nobody +knew, to social recruits who knew nobody. I figured prominently in +the Saloons of the Mutual-exploitation Societies, and when my name +appeared in the minor Society papers among those present at Mrs. OPHIR +CROWDY'S reception, I felt what it was to be famous--and to remain +unspoiled. + +A word of advice to those who will act upon my suggestions. Pitch your +story in the calm domestic key, upon which the depths and obscurities +of essayists, philosophers and divines, will come with pleasing +incongruity. Thus:-- + +CHAPTER I. + +"An English Summer day; old _Ponto_ has been lying in the shade of the +great elm at the Rectory Gate, too lazy to make even a vigorous snap +at the flies, who are circling with mazy persistency round his great, +good-humoured head. At the sound of wheels coming along the road, he +pricks up his ears, and moves aside just in time to avoid being run +over by the chaise from the Hall." Then the rattle of teacups, and +the merry voices of tennis-players are interrupted by the barking of +_Ponto_, and the incident of the tramp, lectured by the Rector, and +relieved by LIONEL, the philanthropic Atheist. + +"'I love the Human, I resent the Divine!' said LIONEL, carefully +shutting his purse. + +"'Why, really,' began the Rector, 'I don't know what I have done to +incur your resentment.' + +"'Pardon me, Sir,' said LIONEL, grimly. 'I am speaking of the Divine +with a big _D_.' + +"'We never use a big, big _D_,' laughed NETTIE, gaily shaking her +curls. + +"'Hush!' said MABEL, raising a warning finger at her little +rattle-brain." + +After this sally you may give two or three pages of discussion, +letting the Rector have a good show with some of the Fathers, while +NETTIE and LIONEL reconstruct things, human and divine, in the +gloaming. You may carry your party to town in the season, and +tantalise your frivolous readers by taking them just up to the +Duchess's door. "Here LIONEL and Mr. CRUMPETTER left the ladies, as +they had some important business in hand, promising to return for +them at six o'clock. They had to go to an architect's office in Great +George Street, to inspect the plans of the new Laundry, which LIONEL +had persuaded the Earl to erect on the waste ground where he had had +his memorable conversation with the tinker." + +This plan might advantageously be applied to the fashionable, the +military, the sporting, and the adventurous novel. Indeed, most +writers seem to think that it has been. Meanwhile, nobody need +starve while they can turn their scissors to intelligent use. Yours +obediently, + + THE RETIRED CLIPPER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SKETCH AT A CONCERT. + +VARIATIONS ON THE ORIGINAL HAIR.] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +JOURNALISTIC REPORTING. + +"_Applause in court, which was instantly suppressed_;" _i.e._, Some +foolish people made a noise at the wrong moment, and applauded the +wrong person. + +"_The case excited the greatest interest, and from an early hour in +the morning the approaches to the court were thronged by a vast press +of individuals, representing a large proportion of the rank, fashion, +and intellect of the Metropolis_;" _i.e._, A crowd of loafers and +London busy-bodies came to hear an offensive trial. + +A LITTLE MUSIC. + +"_Well, I just put a song or two in my pocket, on the off-chance, you +know_;" _i.e._, "I've half-a-dozen, but he's so jealous he'll take +precious good care I shan't sing 'em all." + +PRIVATE THEATRICALS. + +"_No, my dear old chap, you_ must _play the Baron. You see, +anybody, why I myself, can rattle through the Count. Plays itself, +don'tcherknow. But the Baron,_ that _wants an Actor. No, no, you must +play the Baron_;" _i.e._, "_He_ play the Count, at his age, and with +his figure, and cut me out of my favourite part! Put a spoke in _that_ +wheel." + +"With _a song! Oh, but_ is _my voice good enough to go with Miss +Seetop's?_" _i.e._, "Scraggy screamer; she'd spoil SIMS REEVES at his +best." + +"_What I'm anxious about is the love-scene. You see I'm hardly up to +the Romeo role_;" _i.e._, "With _such a Juliet_!" + + * * * * * + +--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + +Transcriber's Note + +page 267: 'pudent' (sic) retained ... possibly adjective from noun: +pudency, n. Modesty. (f. LL pudentia) (Oxford Dictionary) + +or, + +from Latin Dictionary: Pudens, pudentis, modest; bashful. Pudenter, +modestly, bashfully. + +"To pose as SCIPIO, that pudent Roman," + +page. 270: 'millionnaire', the French spelling of 'millionaire', has been +retained. + + +Errata: + +page 268: 'Brition' corrected to "Briton". "But the Briton hugs his +tankard," + +page 268: 'responbilities' corrected to 'responsibilities' "when the +Companies began really to understand their responsibilities" + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 98 +June 7, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 33292.txt or 33292.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/3/2/9/33292/ + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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