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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/33292-8.txt b/33292-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..860909a --- /dev/null +++ b/33292-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1796 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 98 June +7, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 98 June 7, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: July 30, 2010 [EBook #33292] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOLUME 98, JUNE 7TH 1890 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + + + +VOCES POPULI. + +AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY. + +IN THE VESTIBULE. + +[Illustration] + + _Visitors ascending staircase, full of enthusiasm and + energetic determination not to miss a single Picture, + encounter people descending in various stages of mental + and physical exhaustion. At the turnstiles two Friends meet + unexpectedly; both being shy men, who, with timely notice, + would have preferred to avoid one another, their greetings are + marked by an unnatural effusion, and followed by embarrassed + silence._ + +_First Shy Man (to break the spell)._ Odd, our running up against one +another like this, eh? + +_Second Shy Man._ Oh, very odd. (_Looks about him irresolutely, and +wonders if it would be decent to pass on. Decides it will hardly do._) +Great place for meeting, the Academy, though. + +_First S. M._ Yes; sure to come across _somebody_, sooner or later. + + [_Laughs nervously, and wishes the other would go._ + +_Second S. M. (seeing that his friend lingers)._ This your _first_ +visit here? + +_First S. M._ Yes. Couldn't very well get away _before_, you know. + + [_Feels apologetic, without exactly knowing why._ + +_Second S. M._ It's _my_ first visit, too. (_Sees no escape, and +resigns himself._) Er--we may as well go round together, eh? + +_First S. M. (who was afraid this was coming--heartily)._ Good! By +the way, I always think, on a first visit, it's best to take a single +room, and do that thoroughly. [_This has only just occurred to him._ + +_Second S. M. (who had been intending to follow that plan himself)._ +Oh, _do_ you? Now, for _my_ part, I don't attempt to see anything +_thoroughly_ the first time. Just scamper through, glance at the +things one oughtn't to miss, get a general impression, and come away. +_Then_, if I don't happen to come again, I've always _done_ it, you +see. But (_considerately_), look here. Don't let me drag you about, if +you'd rather not! + +_First S. M._ Oh, but I shouldn't like to feel I was any tie on you. +Don't you mind about me. I shall potter about in here--for hours, I +daresay. + +_Second S. M._ Ah, well (_with vague consolation_), I shall always +know where to _find_ you, I suppose. + +_First S. M._ (_brightening visibly_). Oh dear, yes; _I_ shan't be far +away. + + [_They part with mutual relief, only tempered by the necessity + of following the course they have respectively prescribed for + themselves. Nemesis overtakes the_ Second S. M. _in the next + Gallery, when he is captured by a Desultory Enthusiast, who + insists upon dragging him all over the place to see obscure + "bits" and "gems," which are only to be appreciated by ricking + the neck or stooping painfully_. + +_A Suburban Lady (to Female Friend)._ Oh dear, _how_ stupid of me! I +_quite_ forgot to bring a pencil! Oh, _thank_ you, dear, that will do +_beautifully_. It's just a _little_ blunt; but so long as I can _mark_ +with it, you know. You don't think we should avoid the crush if we +began at the end room? Well, perhaps it _is_ less confusing to begin +at the beginning, and work steadily through. + +IN GALLERY NO. I. + + _A small group has collected before_ Mr. WYLLIE'S "Davy + Jones's Locker," _which they inspect solemnly for some time + before venturing to commit themselves to any opinion_. + +_First Visitor (after devoting his whole mind to the subject)._ Why, +it's the Bottom of the Sea--at least (_more cautiously_), that's what +it seems to be _intended_ for. + +_Second V._ Ah, and very well done, too. I wonder, now, how he managed +to stay down long enough to paint all that? + +_Third V._ Practice, I suppose. I've seen writing done under water +myself. But that was a tank! + +_Fourth V. (presumably in profound allusion to the fishes and +sea-anemones)._ Well, they seem to be 'aving it all their own way down +there, don't they? [_The Group, feeling that this remark sums up the +situation, disperses._ + +_The Suburban Lady (her pencil in full play)._ No. 93. Now what's +_that_ about? Oh, "_Forbidden Sweets_,"--yes, to be sure. _Isn't_ that +charming? Those two dear little tots having their tea, and the kitten +with its head stuck in the jam-pot, and the label and all, and the +sticky spoon on the nursery table-cloth--so _natural_! I really _must_ +mark that. (_Awards this distinction._) 97. "_Going up Top._" Yes, +_of course_. Look, LUCY dear, that little fellow has just answered a +question, and his master tells him he may go to the top of the class, +do you _see_? And the big boy looking so sulky, he's wishing he +had learnt his lesson better. I do think it's _so_ clever--all the +different expressions. Yes, I shall _certainly_ mark that! + +IN GALLERY NO. II. + +_The S. L. (doubtfully)._ H'm, No. 156. "_Cloud Chariots_"? Not very +_like_ chariots, though, _are_ they? + +_Her Friend._ I expect it's one of those sort of pictures that you +have to look at a long time, and then things gradually come _out_ of +it, you know. + +_The S. L._ It may be. (_Tries the experiment._) No, _I_ can't +make _anything_ come out--only just clouds and their reflections. +(_Struggling between good-nature and conscientiousness._) I _don't_ +think I _can_ mark that. + +IN GALLERY NO. III. + +_A Matron (before_ Mr. DICKSEE'S "_Tannhäuser_"). "_Venus and +Tannhäuser_"--ah, and is that Venus on the stretcher? Oh, _that's_ her +all on fire in the background. Then which is Tannhäuser, and what are +they all supposed to be doing? [_In a tone of irritation._ + +_Her Nephew._ Oh, it tells you all about it in the Catalogue--he meets +her funeral, you know, and leaves grow on his stick. + +_The Matron (pursing her lips)._ Oh, a _dead person_. + + [_Repulses the Catalogue severely and passes on._ + +_First Person, with an "Eye for Art" (before "Pysche's Bath," by the +President)._ Not bad, eh? + +_Second Person, &c._ No, I rather like it. (_Feels that he is growing +too lenient._) He doesn't give you a very good idea of marble, though. + +_First P. &c._ No--_that's_ not marble, and he always puts too many +folds in his drapery to suit _me_. + +_First P. &c._ Just what _I_ always say. It's not natural, you know. +[_They pass on, much pleased with themselves and one another._ + +_A Fiancé (halting before a sea-scape, by_ Mr. HENRY MOORE, _to +Fiancée_). Here, I say, hold on a bit--what's _this_ one? + +_Fiancée (who doesn't mean to waste the whole afternoon over +pictures)._ Why, it's only a lot of waves--_come_ on! + +_The Surburban L._ LUCY, _this_ is rather nice. "_Breakfasts for +the Porth!_" (_Pondering._) I think there must be a mistake in the +Catalogue--I don't see any breakfast things--they're cleaning fish, +and what's a "Porth!" Would you mark that--or not? + +_Her Comp._ Oh, I _think_ so. + +_The S. L._ I don't know. I've marked such a quantity already and +the lead won't hold out much longer. Oh, it's by HOOK, R. A. Then I +suppose it's _sure_ to be all right. I've marked it, dear. + +_Duet by Two Dreadfully Severe Young Ladies, who paint a little on +China._ Oh, my _dear_, look at that. Did you ever see such a thing? +Isn't it too perfectly _awful_? And there's a thing! Do come and look +at this horror over here. A "_Study_," indeed. I should just think it +_was_! Oh, MAGGIE, don't be so satirical, or I shall die! No, but +_do_ just see this--isn't it _killing?_ They get worse and worse every +year, I declare! [_And so on._ + +IN GALLERY NO. V. + + (_Two Prosaic Persons come upon a little picture, by_ Mr. + SWAN, _of a boy lying on a rock, piping to fishes._) + +_First P. P._ _That's_ a rum thing! + +_Second P. P._ Yes, I wasn't aware myself that fishes were so partial +to music. + +_First P. P._ They may be--out there--(_perceiving that the boy is +unclad_)--but it's peculiar altogether--they look like herrings to me. + +_Second P. P._ Yes--or mackerel. But (_tolerantly_) I suppose it's a +fancy subject. [_They consider that this absolves them from taking any +further interest in it, and pass on._ + +IN GALLERY NO. XI. + +_An Old Lady (who judges Art from a purely Moral Standpoint, halts +approvingly before a picture of a female orphan)._ Now, that +really _is_ a nice picture, my dear--a plain black dress and white +cuffs--just what I _like_ to see in a young person! + +_The S. L. (her enthusiasm greatly on the wane, and her temper +slightly affected)._ LUCY, I _wish_ you wouldn't worry so--it's quite +impossible to stop and look at _everything_. If you wanted your tea as +badly as _I_ do! Mark that one? What, when they neither of them have a +single _thing_ on! Never, LUCY,--and I'm surprised at your suggesting +it! Oh, you meant the next one? h'm--no, I _can't_ say I care for it. +Well, if I _do_ mark it, I shall only put a tick--for it really is +_not_ worth a cross! + +COMING OUT. + +_The Man who always makes the Right Remark._ H'm. Haven't seen +anything I could carry away with me. + +_His Flippant Friend._ Too many people about, eh? Never mind, old +chap, you _may_ manage to sneak an umbrella down-stairs--_I_ won't say +anything! + + [_Disgust of his companion, who descends stairs in offended + silence, as scene closes._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "EMBARRASSING!"] + + * * * * * + +IN THE KNOW. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet._) + +I AM told that many of the millions who have read with delight the +brilliant sporting articles that have appeared from my pen week after +week expect me to utter a few words of seasonable advice as to the +chances of the various animals engaged in the Derby and the Oaks. If I +were one of the chowder-headed numskulls who cackle for hire, the task +would doubtless be an easy one. Mr. J. has performed it yearly with +that magnificent want of success which attends all his addle-pated +efforts. But, praise be to Heaven! I am not Mr. J., or one of his +crew. I am only a humble writer, distinguished alike for his unerring +sagacity, his undeviating accuracy, and his incisive force of +expression. My task is, therefore, stupendous, but I will perform it. + +THE DERBY. + +There are many horses in for the Derby. Some people fancy _Surefoot_. +Fancies are not, of course, facts, but the name is good. Keep your +eye on the black and cerise of LIDDIARD. _Sainfoin_ is not generally +supposed to cover grass, but there are generally exceptions. I have +not heard the angels calling _Le Nord_ lately, but they may begin at +any time. A man may get _home_, so may a horse, and I am bound to say +that if I were _The Beggar_ I should give the lie to the crack-brained +puddling proverb, and be a chooser of first place. _Bel Demonio_ +should be all there when the first part of his name rings, so that +he may go like the second, if he wants to be one, two, or three. +_Rathbeal_ rhymes to heel. Has he got a clean pair to show? _Orwell_ +should score well; and you must never, tie your _Garter_ too tightly, +unless you want to stop your circulation. _Golden Gate_ is not always +as open as might be wished; and _The Imp_ is sometimes a hindrance. +Good old _Polonius_! As for _Kirkham_, _Alloway_, _Martagon_, and +_Loup_, all I can say is, Mum's the word. How about the Field? Monkeys +are often made there. So much for the Derby. + +THE OAKS. + +Who said _Semolina_? Passion, passion take advice, fill your pockets +fall of _Semolina_. Ha, ha! _Signorina_ ought certainly not to miss +the mark by more than a mile. _Mémoire_ might do _pour servir_, +and _Goldwing_ sounds well for a flyer. Those who cross the +_Ponza (sinorum)_ generally go further with ease, and _Dearest_ is +certainly superlative. The Field a monkey. Who said that? Whoever he +was, let him beware! That is all I have to say in the meantime, but +anyone desiring further information is requested to apply to me by +letter at the office, enclosing twelve clean stamps for a reply. +All who are not in a state of niddy-noddying, anserous, asinine, +gruel-brained, pumpkin-faced, gooseberry-eyed imbecility, will, of +course, do so. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PROFESSOR TYNDALL'S LATEST PORTRAIT OF MR. C., +_Executed with Scientific Accuracy and Considerable Restraint of Tone. +(Guildford, May 28.)_] + + * * * * * + +A Shaftesbury Song. + + (AIR--_"With a Doodah!" as sung years ago, with great + applause, by_ Mr. W. E. GL-DST-NE.) + + OUR Author JONES has come out strong + With a _Judah_! With a _Judah_! + Original drama, three Acts long, + _Judah! Judah!_ pay! + It's bound to run each night, + And many a _Matinée_. + I'll lay my money on the WILLARD nag. + Ev'ryone will see the play. + + * * * * * + +"EMBARRASSING!" + +_Or, The Political Scipio and the East African Charmer._ + + "Though the topic of Africa is said to be 'embarrassing and + inconvenient,' it need not occasion any uneasiness at all; + but if the British Government surrenders any portion of the + territory reserved for the sphere of British influence, it may + become most terribly embarrassing within a measurable period + of time."--_Stanley's Reply to Lord Salisbury._ + +STANLEY, _loquitur_:-- + + HISTORY repeats itself! Perhaps it may do, + But "with a difference." The moral Sages + Think that if anyone holds wisdom, _they_ do; + But not all sense is stored in pedant's pages. + Historic parallels, from PLUTARCH downwards, + Are rather pretty fancies than realities. + I am no book-worm, have no leanings gownwards. + And set small store by moralist's banalities. + To pose as SCIPIO, that pudent Roman, + So praised by pedagogue POLYBIUS, seemingly + Pleases a Tory Premier. Well, our foeman + Won't slumber whilst _we_ choose to doze on dreamingly. + SCIPIO at New Carthage was a hero + Of virgin virtue and high generosity; + But hopes in Africa will fall to zero, + If "policy" means virtuous pomposity. + The chaste Proconsul turned his visage blushingly, + From what with him was personal temptation; + But what's good rule for one will fall quite crushingly + If 'tis adopted by a mighty nation. + SCIPIO, no doubt, was splendid in his modest + And generous dealings with those Spanish hostages; + But SALISBURY-SCIPIO? Picture of the oddest! + Imperial rule is not all Penny Postages, + Dainty diplomacies, generous concessions + To Teuton tastes and Hohenzollern fancies; + Or faith in bland CAPRIVI'S fine professions, + And wandering WEISSMANN'S roseate romances. + Kilimi-Njaro, Masai-Land, the Congo, + Should satisfy your thirst for abnegation; + And now, methinks, dear Lord, you cannot wrong go, + If you go in for--let's say "exploitation." + SCIPIO the Elder was not given to letting + The Carthaginians get too much the best of him. + Now on the Teuton it is even betting; + To squeeze you north, or south, or east, or west of him. + Out of the Congo State on the west border, + Out of the Southern Soudan on his north one! + By Jove, my Lord, that seems a biggish order! + To stop it needs some struggle, and 'tis worth one. + That poor East African Company's affronted, + While Iron-clads and soldiers help the Teuton. + _Must_ they then be from the Nyanza shunted, + And _must_ I all their miseries be mute on, + Because plain speech is what you call "embarrassing." + Because unto the Teuton you're so tender? + Must Englishmen in Africa stand harassing, + And stoop to a calm policy of Surrender, + And all that a proud Premier at Hatfield + May play the SCIPIO--in this feeble fashion? + My Lord, we did not win our spurs in _that_ field. + Upon my soul, it puts me in a passion; + And not me only, but, as you'll discover, + A lot of Englishmen who watch this drama. + SCIPIO was not an indiscriminate lover, + But it was he licked HANNIBAL at Zama. + I bring you, SCIPIO, the East Afric beauty + Captured and chained, but opulent and charming. + You turn away! From sacred sense of duty? + From fear of your (political) virtue harming? + No! SCIPIO seemed ruled by honour's laws + When to the captured beauty he was lenient, + You turn away, sham SCIPIO, because + She seems "embarrassing and inconvenient!" + + * * * * * + +BEER. + + [Messrs. SPIERS AND POND say in a letter in _The Daily + Telegraph_, that "bottled beer is really what the great + majority of the public want when they are out for a holiday."] + + MENTION not the wines of Medoc, nor the vintage of Bordeaux, + Or the Burgundy that rivals e'en the ruby in its flow; + Though the growers of Epernay and the merry men of Rheims, + Pour champagne that holds the sunlight in exhilarating streams; + There's a finer nobler tipple, that the Briton's heart doth cheer, + And he clings with fond affection to his draught or bottled beer. + + Amber Rudesheimer charms us wandering by the haunted Rhine, + Sparkling Hock near Ehrenbreitstein is a mighty pleasant wine; + In agreement with the German we have vowed we loved full well, + To behold the bubbles flashing on a goblet of Moselle; + But the Briton hugs his tankard, and would count the man an ass + Who held not in highest honour nectar from the vats of BASS. + + Port is worthy of acceptance, once men made the bottle spin; + Sherry hath a welcome flavour when the filberts have come in: + Scotsmen have been seen imbibing in the mountains of the north, + What is known as whiskey-toddy in the lands beside the Forth: + But the Englishmen will tell you that for really sterling worth-- + BASS'S beer can beat all liquids that were ever made on earth. + + * * * * * + +THE BITTER CRY OF THE LONDON RIDER HAGGARD AND JADED. + +[Illustration] + +_To the Chief Commissioners of Works, The Ditto of Police, and to +"George" Ranger._ + +WHY not open up rides in Kensington Gardens? Say one good one under +the trees from South-West to North-West, and connect Kensington with +Bayswater? Will any benefactor to unfortunate Metropolitan Equestrians +force this North-West passage? + +There is a meagre ride at the side of the road in the Inner +Circle, Regent's Park. Why not a good ride right across Park? From +considerable observation and experience of Kensington Gardens and +Regent's Park, it may be confidently asserted, that such rides as are +here proposed, would not interfere with the comfort of a single (or +married) nurse or governess with children in her charge. Both places +are comparatively unfrequented, and the proposed rides would not +infringe upon the recreation of the London boys. + +We strongly recommend the Chief Commissioner to visit Paris, and, +mounted upon a comfortable horse, let him make the acquaintance of the +delightful _sentiers_ laid out as rides in the Bois de Boulogne. This +will be a first-rate French exercise for him, and he will learn a +great deal from it. The DUKE, who is fond of equitation, especially +in Battersea Park, must admit that the equestrians of London are very +badly off for variety. Up and down Rotten Row, once into the siding by +the Barracks, once to the dismal ride on the North side, and once back +again by the ride that opens on to the Mausoleum-like Magazine,--which +of all London Magazines is the dreariest,--this, and only this, is the +daily burden of the patient London rider's song. "How long? How long?" +as Mr. WILSON BARRETT used to be always exclaiming in _The Silver +King_, or _Claudian_, or both. How long--will mounted London put up +with this, which is the reverse of a merry-go-round? + +Then we have to be thankful for the small mercy of a narrow strip of a +ride, barely room for one, along Constitution Hill, and for that other +strip, a trifle wider, in Birdcage Walk, which is always crowded with +children, and one might as well be riding through nursery grounds. Why +shouldn't there be here a cut right across the grass, from The Walk of +the Birdcages to middle of Piccadilly? + +If GEORGE RANGER, the Chief Commissioner of Police, and the Chief of +the Board of Works would combine, we might get something done which +would benefit the riders--riders haggard and jaded--and materially +assist the smallest circulation (possessed by those who ride to live) +in the world. There is one thing that ought to be put down, and put +down with a strong hand,--and that is plenty of gravel at all the +gates; but especially round and about the Marble Arch, which is a most +dangerously slippery pass. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE "SILK" EXHIBITION. + +WHAT OUR ARTIST EXPECTED TO FIND THERE.] + + * * * * * + +RAILWAY UNPUNCTUALITY REPORT; + +_Or, What it may probably come to._ + +THAT the new Legislation has begun to tell favourably on the conduct +of the traffic of the leading lines cannot for a moment be doubted +after glancing at the thirteenth Bi-weekly Record, published at the +Companies' expense, according to the Provisions of the recent Act, on +the back of all their passenger-tickets. It is satisfactory to note +how, in something like six weeks, punctuality in the train service +seems really almost established, the only train arriving one minute +late being one of the Edinburgh Expresses, of which the boiler of the +engine blew up at Grantham, thereby causing a little delay, which, +however, was picked up before the conclusion of the run by extra +steaming. The heavy penal system which the new Legislation has +introduced, is, of course, answerable for this delightful change; but +a glance at the following table for the six weeks since the Act has +come into operation, will show how effectively and rapidly it has +worked:-- + +----------------------------------------------------------------- + Trains Chairmen Directors Station Other + late. put sentenced Masters Officials + in Irons. to Penal sentenced sent + Servitude. to Hard to Gaol + Labour. and Fined. +-------------------------------------------------------------- +First week | 1725 | 9 | 95 | 192 | 2004 +Second, Do. | 3 | 1 | 3 | 17 | 143 +Third, Do. | 2 | .. | 2 | 11 | 88 +Fourth, Do. | 1 | 1 | 1 | 3 | 15 +Fifth, Do. | .... | .. | 1[A] | .. | .. +Sixth, Do. | 1 | 1 | 2 | 5 | 10 +-------------------------------------------------------------- + +[Footnote A: Precautionary sentence.] + +The list of officials, as furnished in the above Schedule, undergoing +their various periods of punishment, is an encouraging sign to the +travelling public, and it is satisfactory to notice that the old +unpunctuality that marked the first week, followed up as it was _by a +rigorous application of the new law_, instantly disappeared as if +by magic, when the Companies began really to understand their +responsibilities and their penalties under the new Act. It is +confidently, therefore, to be hoped, that next week's record may +possibly be an entirely clean one, and that, _the only method of +ensuring punctuality_, namely, the infliction of a penalty on the +Authorities who can control it, may be found in practice to be +entirely successful. + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTION GRATIS.--Why doesn't some enterprising publisher engage +Sergeant PALMER of the 19th Knowles's Century Powder Magazine to +write a Military Romance? There has been nothing of the sort worth +mentioning since CHARLES LEVER. The Sergeant could write under the +_nom de guerre_ of _Micky Free, Redivivus_. + +(_Signed_) BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +_Q._ If several Householders who love peace and quietness on Sunday, +should combine to put down the Salvation Army's so-called singing, +what Mountains would they resemble?--_A._ The Hymn Allayers. + + * * * * * + +THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY. + +[Illustration: Marguérite Nordica Slybootzen coming home from church.] + +_Monday, May 26._--Faust. Faust-rate performance as far as JACK and +NED DE RESZKÉ are concerned. Madame NORDICA is far too knowing a +_Marguérite_. The simple _Faust_, just beginning life, is evidently +no match for this guileless young lady. Being "no match for her" +is probably the reason for his not marrying her. NORDICA charming +vocally, but dramatically there is too much of the _Becky Sharp_ about +her, and she is merely in a plot with _Martha_ to let in the rich and +spoony Juggins called _Faust_. New man, FRANCESCHETTI, as _Valentine_, +not quite the thing: perhaps nervous seeing DAN DRADY in front looking +at him. Good house for Whit Monday, though of course The Brilliancies +are absent. Choruses excellent. What capital match-boxes the old +men in the Old Men's Chorus would make! Good contrast between Mlle. +BAUERMEISTER as _Martha_, and NED DE R. as _Mephistopheles_. + +_Tuesday._--Glorious Opera, _Les Huguenots_; French title with Italian +names, such as _Valentina_, _Margherita di Valois_, _Urbano_, +&c. First appearance of Monsieur Ybos. _Why Boss?_ Always thought +DRURIOLANUS was Boss of this Show. Better change name to _Y-not-bos_, +and the answer will come from DRURIOLANUS himself, "Iboss." Monsieur +YBOS belongs to the school of Signor VIBRATO. Energetic but too angry +with _Valentina_, when she confesses that she loves him. ELLA RUSSELL +magnificent as sleeveless _Queen_. NED DE RESZKÉ the best possible +_Marcello_. As DRURIOLANUS, dropping into poetry, observes-- + + He is the very best _Marcello_, + With a voice like the deepest violoncello. + +Monsieur DUFRICHE as _San Bris_, "quite the _brie_," or cheese. Madame +TETRAZZINI a dramatic _Valentina_. DAN DRADY a first-rate _Conte di +Nevers-too-late-to-mend_. Curfew-Watchman in perfect tune. Soldiers' +rataplanatory chorus very nearly perfection at finish, though starting +shakily. Little PALLADINO danced so delightfully as even to bewitch +the Hug-me-not soldiers. I've seen this Opera any number of times, and +I have been at considerable trouble and expense to master the plot. +An idea strikes me. I shall publish _Examination Papers on Popular +Operas_. What the prize will be for the one who answers correctly from +memory, without reference to any _libretto_, is a matter for further +consideration. Here is a specimen of examination paper on the +_Huguenots_:-- + +ACT I.--Why is _Raoul_ blindfolded? + +What is _Miss Valentine_ doing in somebody else's house? + +Why does _Raoul's_ servant come in and sing a hymn? + +Why is he apparently pleased when _Raoul_ is blindfolded and taken +away? + +ACT. II.--Account for the dresses of the bathing-women who come in and +dance before the Queen. Where are the machines? + +What is the Page's song, "_No, no, no, no!_" about? + +[Illustration: _Raoul di Nangis Ybos._ "'Tu m'ami!' How dare you! +'_Tu_ m'ami!' I can't tell you how angry I am with you. I'll _vibrato_ +you!" + +[_Shakes himself, and her at the same time._]] + +Is _Raoul_ in love with the Queen, or the Queen with _Raoul_? In +either case account reasonably for the subsequent conduct of each of +them. + +What is the Queen singing about at commencement of Act? + +ACT III.--What is _Valentine_ doing out in the streets, in a +wedding-dress, late at night? + +Why do the women turn their backs on the church when they kneel in the +streets to say their prayers? Is there no more kneeling-room inside +the church? If so, why are people still being admitted while the women +are kneeling outside? What service should you say was going on? + +Where do the Maritanas with tambourines all come from? And why? +Are they the bathing-women in another costume? If so, show their +connection with the plot. + +After the curfew has sounded, and a man with a lantern has sent +everyone to bed, why do all the people suddenly come out of bed again, +every one of them all dressed and ready for anything? + +What is the Queen doing riding about the town at night on a white +horse? + +ACT IV.--Don't you think the Conspirators are very simple-minded +people, not to look behind the curtain where _Raoul_ is hidden? What +have the nuns to do with the blessing of the daggers? Wouldn't they be +rather in the way in a conspiracy? + +On what storey does the action of Act IV. take place, and what is the +height from the ground that _Raoul_ has to leap when he jumps out of +the window? + +There used to be a Fifth Act, with a grand _trio_ and _chorale_, +what has become of it? If played, does anyone stop to hear it? If not +played, can audience sue the management, or demand their money back? + +[Illustration: Unexpected effect. Sudden appearance of representative +of Katti Lanner.] + +_Thursday._--Memorable for two _rentrées_ and one first appearance. +_Rentrée_ of Madame ETELKA GERSTER, _rentrée_ of RAVELLI, and first +appearance, on stage, this season, of Covent Garden Cat. Trying +position for the sleep-walking heroine in bed-room scene, when the +Covent Garden Cat (who was in front last Tuesday night, when she ran +round the ledge of the pit tier in humble imitation of little LAURIE +at Pantomime time) suddenly rushes from under the bed, and after +nearly frightening into fits naughty little LISA BAUERMEISTER, who +happens to be hiding there, walks with tail erect quietly across +the stage, and makes a good exit R. 2. E. Count EDOUARD, in +commencement-of-nineteenth-century hat and coat, finished off with +trousers and patent-leather boots of date A.D. 1890, much amused. +_Amina_ supposed to be walking in her sleep, can't possibly take +notice of animal, but House in chuckles, as an audience always is, +whenever the harmless and quite unnecessary cat appears upon the +stage. _Rentrée_ of RAVELLI, in first-rate voice. Everyone charmed +with him, and with NED DE RESZKÉ. Signor RINALDINO an amusing +_Alessio_, and Madame SINICO tunefully affectionate as the devoted and +sympathetic Mamma of the Aminable heroine. Melodies of our childhood, +delightful to hear them again; and the good old-fashioned Italian +Opera terminations to the choruses admirably rendered. + +_Friday._--"_Dr. Faust_, I presume?" I wasn't there. Opera went on, I +believe, in my absence. + +_Saturday._--_La Traviata._ ELLA RUSSELL at her best. Tenor MONTARIOL +not quite at his best as that despicable character _Alfredo_. M. +PALERMINI (why not "Old Pal"?) very good as _Giorgio Germont_. The +magnificently-attired chorus enjoy themselves amazingly at supper in +Act I., for _Violetta_, when she does do the thing, does it well, and +there are certainly not less than four bottles of champagne among a +hundred guests. + +_Questions for Examination Paper._--At whose house does this +supper-party take place? Why do all the guests leave at once? Why is +everyone in a Charles the Second costume except _Violetta_, who is +in fashionable evening dress of 1890? Who is the young lady whom +_Violetta_ so affectionately kisses? and what, if anything, has she to +do with the plot? + +_In Act III._--Is it a _bal masqué_? If not, what is it, and where? +What is the simple game of cards which _Alfredo_ plays with such +enthusiasm? Who wins? and how much? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CAUTION. + +_Married Sister._ "AND OF COURSE, LAURA, YOU WILL GO TO ROME OR +FLORENCE FOR YOUR HONEYMOON?" + +_Laura._ "OH DEAR, NO! I COULDN'T THINK OF GOING FURTHER THAN THE ISLE +OF WIGHT WITH A MAN I KNOW LITTLE OR NOTHING OF!"] + + * * * * * + +"DOUBTFUL!" + +OWNER. + + OUR Stable's a bit out of form + (Says more than one usual backer), + The pace will be made pretty warm, + And the finish will be a rare cracker. + By Jove! we must put our best goods in the front, + Or possibly we may be out of the hunt. + +TRAINER. + + Come, Sir, don't go talking like that! + Cantankerous critics will chatter. + Our 'osses can go a rare "bat," + Theirs funk it, Sir! _That's_ what's the matter! + Eh, RITCHIE, my boy? Oh, the crack that you ride + Will _go_, when he once settles into his stride. + +JOCKEY. + + My opinion's of little account, + But I don't mind admitting, yer honour, + I am _not_ dead nuts on my mount. + Some say he's as good as a goner. + Though the Witlers are on him, of course, to a man, + His own brother warn't placed the one time as he ran. + +OWNER. + + The _Brother Bung_ stock, _entre nous_, + All show soft, when it comes to close racing. + This horse looks a bit of a "screw,"-- + There, GOSCHEN, no need for grimacing. + I mean no offence; he's well trained, and _might_ win; + But--well, backers seem cautious in planking their tin. + +TRAINER. + + Humph! Pencillers _have_ been at work; + They'll muck the nag's chance, if they're able. + Fatty CAINE--the fanatical shirk!-- + Seems inclined to abandon the Stable. + But still _Compensation's_ a horse to my mind. + He will finish with fewer before than behind. + +OWNER. + + Ah! but that's not quite good enough, G. + Just now what we want's a clear winner. + Our new string of cracks numbers three; + There's _Tithe_ (who's a timid beginner), + _Land Purchase_, a nailer, and this, your pet nag. + The question is, which is the best of the bag? + + _Land Purchase_, now, comes of sound stock + (By _Tenant-Right_ out of _Coercion_), + And then I've such faith in his Jock! + Nay, RITCHIE, I mean no aspersion. + You ride very nicely indeed for a "pup;" + But BALFOUR! All's right when the cry's "ARTHUR'S Up!" + +JOCKEY. + + Oh! he's a fair scorcher, a brick, + With the long legs--and luck--of the "Tinman." + But when of the mounts you've the pick, + It's hard if you can't score a win, man. + You stick me on _Land Purchase_, guv'nor, and see + If the "pup," as you call him, ain't in the first three! + +OWNER. + + Ah, there it is, GOSCHEN, you know; + That justifies what I was saying. + I fancy this animal's slow, + Not sure that his specialty's staying. + I think, if we value our Stable--and tin-- + That we should declare with _Land Purchase_ to win. + + [_Left discussing it._ + + * * * * * + +DERBY DISAPPOINTMENTS. + +To go to Epsom with a view to a day's enjoyment. + +To imagine that there is any sport on the road down, and ditto +returning. + +To believe that a heavy lunch of lukewarm lobster salad and simmering +champagne can be taken with impunity. + +To fancy that one can get into a train bound for the Downs without +losing one's temper. + +To think that there is any fun in listening to the ribald songs of +street nigger minstrels and Shoreditch gipsies. + +To expect that, after taking part in half a dozen drag sweeps, any one +of them will turn up trumps. + +To presume that you will neither be choked with dust nor drenched with +rain before you get home. + +Lastly, to back the Winner for £10,000, payable by the Bank of +England, to draw the right number at all the West-End Clubs to which +you belong, becoming in consequence betrothed to the only and lovely +daughter of a millionnaire Duke, and then (on waking) to find it all a +dream! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DOUBTFUL!" + +LORD SALISBURY (_to Trainer_). "H'M!--DON'T QUITE LIKE THE LOOK OF +HIM. BETTER DECLARE TO WIN WITH _LAND PURCHASE_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A WARNING IN WAX. + +WHAT THE STATUE LOOKED LIKE WHEN IT LEFT THE SCULPTOR'S HAND FOR +EXHIBITION. + +ITS APPEARANCE WHEN THE BRITISH PUBLIC HAD ASCERTAINED, BY EXPERIMENT, +THAT IT REALLY WAS IN WAX.] + + * * * * * + +THE BALLAD OF THE EARL'S BREEKS. + + "I am wearing a pair of Co-operative trousers."--_Lord + Rosebery, at Congress of Delegates from the Co-operative + Societies of Great Britain and Ireland, meeting at Glasgow._ + + TALK of Dual Garmenture! Here's a picture, to be sure, + That a pleasanter, more potent lesson teaches. + Croakers given to foolish fright might take courage at the sight + Of Lord ROSEBERY'S Co-operative Breeches! + For our Earl's a canny chief, and the timidest must feel + That by what he advocates no sort of hurt is meant; + And if anybody wants true co-operative pants, + He'll be glad to read Lord ROSEBERY'S advertisement. + Co-operation now frightens very few, I trow, + (Who wear trousers); but a few years earlier? Bless us! + Such breeks would have been bogies to a lot of frightened fogies, + They would just as soon have donned the shirt of Nessus. + Now an Earl to Glasgow goes, 'midst the men once thought our foes, + And about Co-operation learns--and also teaches; + And receives with genial glee from the Tweed Society + A pair of Tweed Co-operative Breeches! + Why eighty-six per cent. (at Clackmannan) are intent, + (Nearly nine-tenths of all its population), + In a fashion fair as stout, upon fully working out + The principles of true Co-operation. + Yet there are no earthquakes there, and Lord ROSEBERY in the chair + At the Congress of Co-operative Delegates, + Talks in tones of hearty cheer, and the very thought of fear + To a Limbo Fatuorum calmly relegates. + Members One million men, with a capital of _Ten_, + And an annual sale of close on _Thirty Seven_! + Two millions more each year! Yes, it's truly pretty clear + That the State feels the co-operative leaven. + And though it is mere hum to see the Millennium, + Because Co-operators cheerfully co-operate, + Yet it _is_ a mighty movement, and our hopes of Earth's improvement + May rise with it, at a prudent and a proper rate. + Pooh! the pessimistic dreams of pragmatical Earl WEMYSS + May well excite this sager Earl's derision. + Forty Millions total profit! No, we are _not_ nearing Tophet, + Any more than we are touching realms Elysian. + Those on Co-Ops so sweet and shopkeepers need not treat + Each other like the cats of old Kilkenny, + From each other they might learn, live together and all turn, + With sagacity and skill, an honest penny. + There's no need for any gush, but "The Principle" will push + As Lord ROSEBERY foreshadows to high places; + And it was not all his fun when he hinted we might run + Our Empire on co-operative bases! + They who want to understand what is stirring in the land, + Should peruse PRIMROSE'S pithiest of speeches, + Meanwhile _Punch_ drinks good health to the "Labourer's Commonwealth," + And long wear to those Co-operative Breeches! + + * * * * * + +WEEK BY WEEK. + +_Monday._--Preparing for the Derby. Mr. STANLEY goes out of his way to +meet Lord SALISBURY. Lord SALISBURY goes out of Mr. H. M. S's. way. + +_Tuesday._--More preparations for Derby. + +_Wednesday._--The Derby. _Mr. Punch_ out for the day. Party at Foreign +Office to meet Mr. STANLEY unavoidably postponed. + +_Thursday._--Trying to recover from Derby Day. + +_Friday._--Private Eclipse of the Sun. For tickets to view, inquire +at Timekeeper's Office, Charing Cross. Only a limited number will be +issued. + +_Saturday._--Lord SALISBURY'S first dance to meet Mr. STANLEY. + + * * * * * + +SOCIAL festivities which were much disturbed by the Whitsuntide +holidays, have now been resumed in all their splendour. The Mile +End Athenæum yesterday held their annual reception in the palatial +institution designed for the accommodation of the intellectual +_élite_ of the district. The rooms were crowded from an early hour. +Proceedings began with an address on "The Æsthetic Position of Mile +End," delivered by the President. This was followed by some graceful +step-dancing, executed by two stars from the neighbouring Hall +of Variety. Later on the guests, having, as is usual, exchanged +over-coats, and tossed with the Club halfpenny for umbrellas, +separated to their homes. + + * * * * * + +Lady CLEMENTINA CROPPER has issued cards for a musical evening at +which all the most eminent performers are expected. The Whistling +Quintette and the Whispering Choir have been engaged. Her Ladyship's +parties are famous for the animation and brilliancy of their +conversation. + + * * * * * + +It is understood that the Stewards of the Jockey Club at their last +meeting resolved to suppress the use of all strong language on Derby +Day. Any owner discovered in the act of saying "blow" will be confined +to barracks for a fortnight. Anything more violent will involve +perpetual suspension, with the loss of all the privileges of a British +Citizen. Any jockey denouncing his neighbour's eyes will be converted +into an automatic toffee-distributor. If he repeats the offence, he +will be forbidden to vote at the next County Council Election. These +salutary regulations will be strictly enforced. + + * * * * * + +The Railway Companies anticipate no difficulty in conveying visitors +to Epsom within two hours of the time fixed for their arrival. Much +interest attaches to some novel experiments in shunting, which are +to be carried out between Epsom and London to-day. The point is to +discover whether an excursion train loaded with passengers at the +rate of thirty to a carriage designed for eight, can be shunted into +a siding so as to clear an express moving at a constant velocity of +fifty miles an hour, drinks included. The pace of the excursion train +may be neglected in the solution of the problem. + + * * * * * + +"I have never understood," says a Correspondent, who signs himself +"PUZZLED," "why a dog should always use his left hind-leg for the +purpose of scratching his left ear, and _vice versâ_ his right leg for +his right ear. Can any of your readers enlighten me?" + + * * * * * + +GROSVENOR GEMS. (SECOND VISIT.) + +[Illustration: No. 180. Littler and Littler.] + +[Illustration: No. 36. W. Qrious Jaundiceson, R.A.] + +[Illustration: No. 140. "Mr. Stanley, I presume?"] + +[Illustration: No. 102. Marvellous Acrobatic Feat.] + +[Illustration: No. 109. The Dairy Maid and the Butteries.] + + * * * * * + +EXCHELSIOR! + +TOLD that I can "assist the progress of Military Science" if I go up +in a "War Balloon" at Chelsea. Don't know anything about ballooning, +but do want to assist Military Science. + +Arrive at Chelsea Exhibition Grounds. See the Balloon being inflated. +Disappointed, as a "War Balloon" seems to be exactly the same as a +Peace Balloon. Expected it to be armour-plated, or fitted with aërial +torpedoes, or something of that sort. Ask Professional Aëronaut if I +mayn't take a bomb up with me, and drop it, as practice for war time? +Aëronaut scowls fiercely. Asks, "If I want to blow the Balloon to +smithereens?" Also asks, "If I have any bombs about me now?" Looks as +if he would like to search me! Drop the subject--not the bomb. Still, +I _should_ like to know how I can "assist Military Science." Take my +place in car nervously. + +Somebody shouts, "Let go!" What an extraordinary sensation! Feel as if +I had suddenly left digestive portion of my anatomy a mile below me. +Have felt same sort of thing in crossing Channel. Look over edge +of car. Appalling! Wish I hadn't been such a fool as to come. Ask +Professional Aëronaut, "What would happen if a rope broke now?" +He replies, sulkily, "your neck would break too." Not comforting. +Question is--How long will this last without my being sea-sick? + +Also, How am I "assisting progress of Military Science?" Balloon +calmer, and _not_ wobbling, thank Heaven! Begin to enjoy the view. How +beastly cold it is up here, though! Passing over St. Paul's--suggest +to fellow passenger that with a bomb, or better still a pistol, one +could "pot" the Dome. Passenger (funny man) says, "Why not try a +para_shoot_?" I laugh heartily, and nearly fall over side. Aëronaut, +roughly, "wishes to goodness I'd keep still." _I_ wish to goodness +he'd make the Balloon keep still--don't say this, however. + +Somewhere over Essex. See distant sea. Aëronaut says, "There's no end +of a wind springing up." Heavens! Believe we are drifting out to +sea! But I didn't want to "assist progress of _Naval_ Science"--only +"Military." Tell Aëronaut this. He says, he's "just going down." Talks +as if he were "going down" to breakfast--after "getting up," as we +have done! Rather a good joke for mid-air. But is it mid-air? We are +descending rapidly. Digestion this time left up in clouds. Tearing +along over fields. Balloon pitching and tossing violently. Grapnel +thrown out. Catches a cow. Cow runs with us. Idiot! Why can't it stand +steady? + +Awful crash! Bump, bang, whack! Balloon explodes with fearful report. +Yet no reporters present! Remember nothing more. Wake up, and find +myself in Hospital of an Essex town. Query--Have I, or have I not, +"assisted the progress of Military Science?" + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_The Marsh King's Daughter._ One of WARNE & CO.'S publications for +children's amusement, but the illustrations by JESSIE CURRIE are +too highly curried, or rather coloured, and the effect is hard and +theatrical. By the way, Miss CURRIE'S genius is a trifle wilful; +for example, take this situation, which she has chosen to +illustrate,--"She ... pointed to a horse. He mounted upon it, and she +sprang before him, and held tightly by the mane." Now, asks the Baron, +taking for granted the "sprang" is for "sprang up," how would ordinary +talent depict this scene? Why, certainly, by showing the girl mounted +on the horse, holding on by the mane in front of the man, and the man +up behind. Not so Miss CURRIE. She puts the good man--apparently +an Amateur Monk--astride the horse, and she riding behind, holding +lightly as it appears, with one hand the broad red crupper, and, with +the other, probably, some portion of the Amateur Monk's dressing-gown. +But genius must not be fettered. + +_Æsop Redivivus_ is delightful, if only for the reappearance of the +quaint old woodcuts--some of which, however, the Baron is of opinion, +never belonged to the original edition--yet, with a polite bow to +MARY BOYLE, he would venture to observe that, in his opinion, the +revivification is an excellent idea rather thrown away. Whether it +would have been better for more or less Boyleing, he is not absolutely +certain, but perhaps the notion required a somewhat different +treatment. The best of the fables is _The Sly Stag_, which, according +to the woodcut, ought to have been a goat. But there may be some +subtle humour in the frequent incongruity between a fable and its +pictorial illustration. + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +GRANDOLPH VICTORIOUS.--Rather fresh Easterly-windy weather for racing, +last week; glad, therefore, to hear that GRANDOLPH "had a lot on." His +_Abbesse de Jouarre_ was not to be stopped by any _Father Confessor_, +and came in first. What will he name his next probable starter? _John +Wesley_? + + * * * * * + +RECENT letters to _The Times_ represent Tangiers to English tourists +as the most Tangierble point for a holiday trip. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MINE OF INFORMATION. + +"WHAT'S A CENTAUR, PAPA?" + +"A CENTAUR, MY CHILD, IS A FABULOUS CREATURE, NOW _EXTINCT!_"] + + * * * * * + +MORE ABOUT TALLEYRAND. + +_To the Editor of "Punch."_ + +DEAR SIR,--You have on many occasions honoured me by inserting my +contributions, and consequently it is to you I turn in the present +difficulty. A few days since an appeal was made in the columns of one +of your contemporaries which it is hard to resist. + +_À propos_ of the Talleyrand Autobiography a gentleman, who had given +some extracts therefrom, wrote--"What I have quoted shows the charm +and interest of the work, but does not discount its publication; +and this, I hope, will be enough to enforce on the custodians of the +Memoirs the obligation of reflection before continuing to suppress +and to frustrate the legitimate curiosity of the public." I have +reflected, and, without making any admission, I submit that possibly +the following passages may attain the end which the gentleman in +question seemingly suggests. + +When TALLEYRAND, in 1801, was at Amiens, assisting JOSEPH BONAPARTE +in conducting negotiations with Lord CORNWALLIS for the final +ratification of peace, he had an interview with the representative of +England. I give a translation from a paper in my possession:-- + + "It was already the everlasting opposition of maritime and + manufacturing towns that prevented this consummation. + When Milor (CORNWALLIS?) observed, with insular bluntness + (_bonhomie_), 'The outcome will be a new throne (_encore + une chaise bien décoré_) for J. B.' I replied, 'This will + certainly not be to the advantage of Son Altesse JOSEPH (_pas + pour Josê_).'" + +Does not this read as if written yesterday? Five years later +TALLEYRAND entered into a direct communication with Fox by letter, and +this led to a personal interview with Lord YARMOUTH. I make a second +quotation:-- + + "I told Mister-for-laughter (_esquire pour rire_) that there + would be no difficulty in restoring to England Hanover, + which was then in possession of Prussia. The Englishman + (_l'Anglais_), who had been imbibing some generous wine (_vin + ordinaire à dix sous_), stammered out that he considered the + suggestion piscatorial. 'Milor,' I retorted, with a polite + bow, 'to a YARMOUTH accustomed to bloaters all things must + appear fishy!'" + +Considering TALLEYRAND'S flexible mind, and the ease with which he +resigned himself to blunders when they did not seem to him dangerous, +this judgment, expressed with surprising emphasis, is the most +striking condemnation which can be passed on the tone adopted by the +British negotiator. With rare skill TALLEYRAND avoids the dryness +usual to memoirs of a personal character. As an instance of this, +I give a description of the desertion by the wily diplomatist of +NAPOLEON in 1814, when the Emperor had consented to retire to +Elba. That this passage may have additional force, I give it in the +original, possibly very original, French:-- + + "Je n'aime pas lui. Je pensais de cet homme qu'il était un + espèce de polichinelle (_a quaint sort of puppet_), qu'il + n'était pas la valeur de son sel (_not the value of his + salt_), et voilà la raison pourquoi je lui vende (_why I + offered him for sale_). Il n'a pu supporter la bienfaisance + avec satisfaction, ni les choses bien désagréables avec + complaisance." + +"He could not bear the things that were disagreeable with +complacency." Volumes might be written on that phrase, which at this +moment, if we look around us, suggests numerous parallel instances. +I have heard a man growl when a plate of soup has been poured by a +careless waiter on his dress waistcoat, I have noticed a lady frown +when I have myself accidentally torn her train from its body, by +treading upon it at an evening party. TALLEYRAND knew NAPOLEON--"He +could not bear the things that were disagreeable with complacency!" +And yet BONAPARTE is sometimes called "_Le Grand_!" (The Great!) + +Here I pause, as I feel that I may have already gone too far. It is +not for me to say how the document from which I have quoted, came into +my possession. But before I satisfy the legitimate curiosity of the +public further, I consider it my professional duty to consult the Bar +Committee, the Council of the Incorporated Law Society, the President +of the Probate, Divorce, and Admiralty Division of the High Court of +Justice, and the LORD CHANCELLOR, many of whom are unfortunately still +absent, enjoying the Whitsuntide Vacation. I have the honour to be, +dear Sir, + +Your most obedient Servant, + + (_Signed_) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. + + _Pump-handle Court, June 2nd, 1890._ + + * * * * * + +A NOVEL WITH A PURPOSE. + + DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +How a few hundred pounds may be easily and honestly earned is a +problem which daily exercises the imaginations of thousands. I was +fortunate enough to hit upon a plan which I now feel it to be my duty +to make as widely known as possible for the benefit of those whose +need is greater than mine; for, curiously enough, not only did my +work bring me in that direct emolument, upon which I not unwarrantably +reckoned, but an elderly lady of unstable views was so taken with +the chaotic benevolence of my book, that she bequeathed to me a very +handsome legacy indeed, and almost immediately enabled me to realise +it. Thus does the absolutely unexpected serve as the handmaid of the +perfectly unintended, and enterprise retires from the lodgings of +struggle to the villa of repose. My plan briefly was to write a +quasi-religious Novel with a Purpose. I knew nothing about religion, +and had no literary experience, but the purpose I had, and that +purpose was, to make enough money to spend six weeks at Herne Bay, a +locality to which I am passionately addicted. + +A brief sketch of my proceedings will be the best explanation and +guide to others. I first bought a sixpenny scrap-album, a pot of +paste, and a pair of strong scissors; and a shillingsworth of penny +novelettes of various kinds and dates, and a shillingsworth of cheap +manuscript-paper completed my outlay. I then took the goods home and +got to work. Glancing through the pile of novelettes, I soon found an +opening that struck me as most suitable, cut it out, and pasted it in +the scrap-book. Now came the chief literary exercise of my task. I had +to go carefully through the passage, changing the names of the places +and people, and making a few necessary substitutions, _e.g._, +"The cuckoo was calling, and the dove cooing from the neighbouring +woodland," would stand in my version "The cuckoo was cuckooing, and +the dove calling from the adjacent thicket," while a sky described +as "azure" in the original, would figure as "lapis lazuli," or, even +blue. + +The introduction safely engineered, I took another novelette from the +pile, and holding it firmly in the left hand, I grasped the scissors +with the thumb and forefinger of the right, cut three or four extracts +at random, of rather more than half a column in length, and pasted +these in the album, leaving about space enough for a couple of pages +of three-volume novel, between each section. + +Thus I dealt with my twelve novelettes, and then went through them +again, and even again. Then the hard work began. I had to draw up +a list of names of my own, and then to go carefully through the +extracts, assigning the speeches to the best of my ability to the +most suitable of my own characters. This, however, was infinitely +less trouble than inventing dialogue, a process for which I always +entertained an insuperable aversion. I was also confronted at times by +adventures in my extracts which were quite unsuited for the novel with +a purpose, which, according to the justest canons, should never get +beyond a sprained ankle; and even that has to be handled with the +greatest discretion--generally by the wavering curate. So I had in +several places to tone down precipices, stay the inflowing tide with +more success than King CANUTE, and stop runaway horses before they had +excited alarm in their fair riders, or brought the discarded lover out +into the road, saying in a tone of quiet command, "Stop! This cannot +be allowed to go any farther." + +Next, through the kindness of a friend, who was a householder, I +procured a reading ticket for the British Museum Library, and from the +writings of HERBERT SPENCER, HUXLEY, EMERSON, MATTHEW ARNOLD, +RUSKIN, Dr. MOMERIE, and Mr. WALTER PATER, and largely from the +more pretentious Reviews and Magazines, I made copious and tolerably +bewildering extracts, which I apportioned among the vacant spaces in +my story, with more regard to the length than to the circumstances. I +next went carefully over the whole, writing in a line here and there +to make things smooth and pleasant, and artfully acknowledging the +quotations in an incidental manner. The result was a surprisingly +interesting and suggestive work, and when I had copied it all out in a +fair, clerkly hand, I found no difficulty in disposing of it, to good +advantage, to a publisher of repute. The book caught on immensely. +I became for one dazzling season a second-rate lion of the first +magnitude. I was pointed out by literary celebrities whom nobody +knew, to social recruits who knew nobody. I figured prominently in +the Saloons of the Mutual-exploitation Societies, and when my name +appeared in the minor Society papers among those present at Mrs. OPHIR +CROWDY'S reception, I felt what it was to be famous--and to remain +unspoiled. + +A word of advice to those who will act upon my suggestions. Pitch your +story in the calm domestic key, upon which the depths and obscurities +of essayists, philosophers and divines, will come with pleasing +incongruity. Thus:-- + +CHAPTER I. + +"An English Summer day; old _Ponto_ has been lying in the shade of the +great elm at the Rectory Gate, too lazy to make even a vigorous snap +at the flies, who are circling with mazy persistency round his great, +good-humoured head. At the sound of wheels coming along the road, he +pricks up his ears, and moves aside just in time to avoid being run +over by the chaise from the Hall." Then the rattle of teacups, and +the merry voices of tennis-players are interrupted by the barking of +_Ponto_, and the incident of the tramp, lectured by the Rector, and +relieved by LIONEL, the philanthropic Atheist. + +"'I love the Human, I resent the Divine!' said LIONEL, carefully +shutting his purse. + +"'Why, really,' began the Rector, 'I don't know what I have done to +incur your resentment.' + +"'Pardon me, Sir,' said LIONEL, grimly. 'I am speaking of the Divine +with a big _D_.' + +"'We never use a big, big _D_,' laughed NETTIE, gaily shaking her +curls. + +"'Hush!' said MABEL, raising a warning finger at her little +rattle-brain." + +After this sally you may give two or three pages of discussion, +letting the Rector have a good show with some of the Fathers, while +NETTIE and LIONEL reconstruct things, human and divine, in the +gloaming. You may carry your party to town in the season, and +tantalise your frivolous readers by taking them just up to the +Duchess's door. "Here LIONEL and Mr. CRUMPETTER left the ladies, as +they had some important business in hand, promising to return for +them at six o'clock. They had to go to an architect's office in Great +George Street, to inspect the plans of the new Laundry, which LIONEL +had persuaded the Earl to erect on the waste ground where he had had +his memorable conversation with the tinker." + +This plan might advantageously be applied to the fashionable, the +military, the sporting, and the adventurous novel. Indeed, most +writers seem to think that it has been. Meanwhile, nobody need +starve while they can turn their scissors to intelligent use. Yours +obediently, + + THE RETIRED CLIPPER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SKETCH AT A CONCERT. + +VARIATIONS ON THE ORIGINAL HAIR.] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +JOURNALISTIC REPORTING. + +"_Applause in court, which was instantly suppressed_;" _i.e._, Some +foolish people made a noise at the wrong moment, and applauded the +wrong person. + +"_The case excited the greatest interest, and from an early hour in +the morning the approaches to the court were thronged by a vast press +of individuals, representing a large proportion of the rank, fashion, +and intellect of the Metropolis_;" _i.e._, A crowd of loafers and +London busy-bodies came to hear an offensive trial. + +A LITTLE MUSIC. + +"_Well, I just put a song or two in my pocket, on the off-chance, you +know_;" _i.e._, "I've half-a-dozen, but he's so jealous he'll take +precious good care I shan't sing 'em all." + +PRIVATE THEATRICALS. + +"_No, my dear old chap, you_ must _play the Baron. You see, +anybody, why I myself, can rattle through the Count. Plays itself, +don'tcherknow. But the Baron,_ that _wants an Actor. No, no, you must +play the Baron_;" _i.e._, "_He_ play the Count, at his age, and with +his figure, and cut me out of my favourite part! Put a spoke in _that_ +wheel." + +"With _a song! Oh, but_ is _my voice good enough to go with Miss +Seetop's?_" _i.e._, "Scraggy screamer; she'd spoil SIMS REEVES at his +best." + +"_What I'm anxious about is the love-scene. You see I'm hardly up to +the Romeo rôle_;" _i.e._, "With _such a Juliet_!" + + * * * * * + +--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + +Transcriber's Note + +page 267: 'pudent' (sic) retained ... possibly adjective from noun: +pudency, n. Modesty. (f. LL pudentia) (Oxford Dictionary) + +or, + +from Latin Dictionary: Pudens, pudentis, modest; bashful. Pudenter, +modestly, bashfully. + +"To pose as SCIPIO, that pudent Roman," + +page. 270: 'millionnaire', the French spelling of 'millionaire', has been +retained. + + +Errata: + +page 268: 'Brition' corrected to "Briton". "But the Briton hugs his +tankard," + +page 268: 'responbilities' corrected to 'responsibilities' "when the +Companies began really to understand their responsibilities" + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 98 +June 7, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 33292-8.txt or 33292-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/3/2/9/33292/ + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 98 June 7, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: July 30, 2010 [EBook #33292] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + + <hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page265" id="page265"></a>[pg 265]</span> +<h1>Punch, or the London Charivari</h1> + +<h2>Volume 98, June 7th 1890</h2> + +<h3><i>edited by Sir Francis Burnand</i></h3> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2> + +<h3>AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.</h3> + +<h4><span class="sc">In the Vestibule.</span></h4> + +<blockquote><p><i>Visitors ascending staircase, full of enthusiasm and energetic determination +not to miss a single Picture, encounter people descending +in various stages of mental and physical exhaustion. At the +turnstiles two Friends meet unexpectedly; both being shy men, +who, with timely notice, would have preferred to avoid one +another, their greetings are marked by an unnatural effusion, +and followed by embarrassed silence.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>First Shy Man (to break the spell).</i> Odd, our running up against +one another like this, eh?</p> + +<p><i>Second Shy Man.</i> Oh, very odd. (<i>Looks about him irresolutely, +and wonders if it would be decent to pass on. Decides it will hardly +do.</i>) Great place for meeting, the Academy, though.</p> + +<p><i>First S. M.</i> Yes; sure to come across <i>somebody</i>, sooner or later.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 250px;"><a href="images/265-450.png"><img src="images/265-250.png" width="250" height="423" alt="advertising the exhibition" /></a></div> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>Laughs nervously, and wishes the other would go.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Second S. M. (seeing that his friend lingers).</i> This your <i>first</i> +visit here?</p> + +<p><i>First S. M.</i> Yes. Couldn't very well get away <i>before</i>, you know.</p> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>Feels apologetic, without exactly knowing why.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Second S. M.</i> It's <i>my</i> first visit, too. (<i>Sees no escape, and resigns +himself.</i>) Er—we may as well go round together, eh?</p> + +<p><i>First S. M. (who was afraid this was coming—heartily).</i> +Good! By the way, I always think, on a +first visit, it's best to take a single room, and do that +thoroughly. [<i>This has only just occurred to him.</i></p> + +<p><i>Second S. M. (who had been intending to follow that +plan himself).</i> Oh, <i>do</i> you? Now, for <i>my</i> part, I +don't attempt to see anything <i>thoroughly</i> the first +time. Just scamper through, glance at the things +one oughtn't to miss, get a general impression, and +come away. <i>Then</i>, if I don't happen to come again, +I've always <i>done</i> it, you see. But (<i>considerately</i>), + look here. Don't let me drag you about, if you'd +rather not!</p> + +<p><i>First S. M.</i> Oh, but I shouldn't like to feel I was +any tie on you. Don't you mind about me. I shall +potter about in here—for hours, I daresay.</p> + +<p><i>Second S. M.</i> Ah, well (<i>with vague consolation</i>), I +shall always know where to <i>find</i> you, I suppose.</p> + +<p><i>First S. M.</i> (<i>brightening visibly</i>). Oh dear, yes; <i>I</i> +shan't be far away.</p> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>They part with mutual relief, only tempered by the +necessity of following the course they have respectively +prescribed for themselves. Nemesis overtakes +the</i> Second S. M. <i>in the next Gallery, when he is +captured by a Desultory Enthusiast, who insists +upon dragging him all over the place to see obscure "bits" and +"gems," which are only to be appreciated by ricking the neck or +stooping painfully</i>.</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>A Suburban Lady (to Female Friend).</i> Oh dear, <i>how</i> stupid of me! +I <i>quite</i> forgot to bring a pencil! Oh, <i>thank</i> you, dear, that will +do <i>beautifully</i>. It's just a <i>little</i> blunt; but so long as I can +<i>mark</i> with it, you know. You don't think we should avoid the crush if we +began at the end room? Well, perhaps it <i>is</i> less confusing to begin +at the beginning, and work steadily through.</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">In Gallery No. I.</span></h4> + +<blockquote><p><i>A small group has collected before</i> Mr. <span class="sc">Wyllie's</span> "Davy Jones's +Locker," <i>which they inspect solemnly for some time before venturing +to commit themselves to any opinion</i>.</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>First Visitor (after devoting his whole mind to the subject).</i> Why, +it's the Bottom of the Sea—at least (<i>more cautiously</i>), that's what +it seems to be <i>intended</i> for.</p> + +<p><i>Second V.</i> Ah, and very well done, too. I wonder, now, how he +managed to stay down long enough to paint all that?</p> + +<p><i>Third V.</i> Practice, I suppose. I've seen writing done under +water myself. But that was a tank!</p> + +<p><i>Fourth V. (presumably in profound allusion to the fishes and +sea-anemones).</i> +Well, they seem to be 'aving it all their own way down +there, don't they?</p> +<blockquote><p>[<i>The Group, feeling that this remark sums up +the situation, disperses.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>The Suburban Lady (her pencil in full play).</i> No. 93. Now what's +<i>that</i> about? Oh, "<i>Forbidden Sweets</i>,"—yes, to be sure. <i>Isn't</i> +that +charming? Those two dear little tots having their tea, and the +kitten with its head stuck in the jam-pot, and the label and all, and +the sticky spoon on the nursery table-cloth—so <i>natural</i>! I really +<i>must</i> mark that. (<i>Awards this distinction.</i>) 97. "<i>Going up +Top.</i>" +Yes, <i>of course</i>. Look, <span class="sc">Lucy</span> dear, that little fellow has just +answered +a question, and his master tells him he may go to the top of the class, +do you <i>see</i>? And the big boy looking so sulky, he's wishing he had +learnt his lesson better. I do think it's <i>so</i> clever—all the different +expressions. Yes, I shall <i>certainly</i> mark that!</p> + +<h3><span class="sc">In Gallery No. II.</span></h3> + +<p><span class="ind"><i>The S. L. (doubtfully).</i></span> H'm, No. 156. "<i>Cloud Chariots</i>"? Not +very <i>like</i> chariots, though, <i>are</i> they?</p> + +<p><i>Her Friend.</i> I expect it's one of those sort of pictures that you +have to look at a long time, and then things gradually come <i>out</i> of +it, you know.</p> + +<p><i>The S. L.</i> It may be. (<i>Tries the experiment.</i>) No, <i>I</i> can't +make +<i>anything</i> come out—only just clouds and their reflections. (<i>Struggling +between good-nature and conscientiousness.</i>) I <i>don't</i> think I +<i>can</i> +mark that.</p> + +<h3><span class="sc">In Gallery No. III.</span></h3> + +<p><span class="ind"><i>A Matron (before</i></span> Mr. <span class="sc">Dicksee's</span> "<i>Tannhäuser</i>"). "<i>Venus +and +Tannhäuser</i>"—ah, and is that Venus on the stretcher? Oh, <i>that's</i> +her all on fire in the background. Then which is Tannhäuser, and +what are they all supposed to be doing? [<i>In a tone of irritation.</i></p> + +<p><i>Her Nephew.</i> Oh, it tells you all about it in the Catalogue—he +meets her funeral, you know, and leaves grow on his stick.</p> + +<p><i>The Matron (pursing her lips).</i> Oh, a <i>dead person</i>.</p> + +<blockquote><p>[<i>Repulses the Catalogue severely and passes on.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>First Person, with an "Eye for Art" (before "Pysche's Bath," +by the President).</i> Not bad, eh?</p> + +<p><i>Second Person, &c.</i> No, I rather like it. (<i>Feels that he is growing +too lenient.</i>) He doesn't give you a very good idea of marble, +though.</p> + +<p><i>First P. &c.</i> No—<i>that's</i> not marble, and he always +puts too many folds in his drapery to suit <i>me</i>.</p> + +<p><i>First P. &c.</i> Just what <i>I</i> always say. It's not +natural, you know.</p> +<blockquote><p>[<i>They pass on, much pleased with themselves and one another.</i></p></blockquote> + +<p><i>A <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'Fiançé'">Fiancé</ins> (halting before a sea-scape, by</i> Mr. <span class="sc">Henry +Moore</span>, <i>to <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'Fiançée'">Fiancée</ins></i>). Here, I say, hold on a bit—what's +<i>this</i> one?</p> + +<p><i><ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'Fiançée'">Fiancée</ins> (who doesn't mean to waste the whole afternoon +over pictures).</i> Why, it's only a lot of waves—<i>come</i> +on!</p> + +<p><i>The Surburban L.</i> <span class="sc">Lucy</span>, <i>this</i> is rather nice. +"<i>Breakfasts for the Porth!</i>" (<i>Pondering.</i>) I think +there must be a mistake in the Catalogue—I don't see +any breakfast things—they're cleaning fish, and +what's a "Porth!" Would you mark that—or not?</p> + +<p><i>Her Comp.</i> Oh, I <i>think</i> so.</p> + +<p><i>The S. L.</i> I don't know. I've marked such a +quantity already and the lead won't hold out much +longer. Oh, it's by <span class="sc">Hook</span>, R. A. Then I suppose it's +<i>sure</i> to be all right. I've marked it, dear.</p> + +<p><i>Duet by Two Dreadfully Severe Young Ladies, +who paint a little on China.</i> Oh, my <i>dear</i>, look at that. +Did you ever see such a thing? Isn't it too perfectly +<i>awful</i>? And there's a thing! Do come and look at +this horror over here. A "<i>Study</i>," indeed. I should just think it +<i>was</i>! Oh, <span class="sc">Maggie</span>, don't be so satirical, or I shall die! No, but +<i>do</i> +just see this—isn't it <i>killing?</i> They get worse and worse every year, +I declare!</p> +<blockquote><p class="ind1">[<i>And so on.</i></p></blockquote> + +<h3><span class="sc">In Gallery No. V.</span></h3> + +<blockquote><p>(<i>Two Prosaic Persons come upon a little picture, by</i> Mr. <span class="sc">Swan</span>, +<i>of a boy lying on a rock, piping to fishes.</i>)</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>First P. P.</i> <i>That's</i> a rum thing!</p> + +<p><i>Second P. P.</i> Yes, I wasn't aware myself that fishes were so +partial to music.</p> + +<p><i>First P. P.</i> They may be—out there—(<i>perceiving that the boy is +unclad</i>)—but it's peculiar altogether—they look like herrings to me.</p> + +<p><i>Second P. P.</i> Yes—or mackerel. But (<i>tolerantly</i>) I suppose it's +a fancy subject.</p> +<blockquote><p>[<i>They consider that this absolves them from taking +any further interest in it, and pass on.</i></p></blockquote> + +<h3><span class="sc">In Gallery No. XI.</span></h3> + +<p><span class="ind"><i>An Old Lady (who judges Art from a purely Moral Standpoint, +halts approvingly before a picture of a female orphan).</i></span> Now, that +really <i>is</i> a nice picture, my dear—a plain black dress and white +cuffs—justwhat I <i>like</i> to see in a young person!</p> + +<p><i>The S. L. (her enthusiasm greatly on the wane, and her temper +slightly affected).</i> <span class="sc">Lucy</span>, I <i>wish</i> you wouldn't worry so—it's +quite impossible to stop and look at <i>everything</i>. If you wanted your tea +as badly as <i>I</i> do! Mark that one? What, when they neither of +them have a single <i>thing</i> on! Never, <span class="sc">Lucy</span>,—and I'm surprised at +your suggesting it! Oh, you meant the next one? h'm—no, I <i>can't</i> +say I care for it. Well, if I <i>do</i> mark it, I shall only put a tick—for +it really is <i>not</i> worth a cross!</p> + +<h3><span class="sc">Coming Out.</span></h3> + +<p><span class="ind"><i>The Man who always makes the Right Remark.</i></span> H'm. Haven't +seen anything I could carry away with me.</p> + +<p><i>His Flippant Friend.</i> Too many people about, eh? Never mind, +old chap, you <i>may</i> manage to sneak an umbrella down-stairs—<i>I</i> +won't say anything!</p> +<blockquote><p>[<i>Disgust of his companion, who descends stairs +in offended silence, as scene closes.</i></p></blockquote> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page266" id="page266"></a>[pg 266]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/266-1500.png"><img src="images/266-600.png" width="600" height="448" alt="'EMBARRASSING!'" /></a> +<h4>"EMBARRASSING!"</h4></div> +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page267" id="page267"></a>[pg 267]</span> + +<h2>IN THE KNOW.</h2> + +<h3>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet.</i>)</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">I am</span> told that many of the +millions who have read with delight +the brilliant sporting articles +that have appeared from my pen +week after week expect me to utter +a few words of seasonable advice +as to the chances of the various +animals engaged in the Derby and +the Oaks. If I were one of the +chowder-headed numskulls who +cackle for hire, the task would +doubtless be an easy one. Mr. J. +has performed it yearly with that +magnificent want of success which +attends all his addle-pated efforts. +But, praise be to Heaven! I am +not Mr. J., or one of his crew. I +am only a humble writer, distinguished +alike for his unerring +sagacity, his undeviating accuracy, +and his incisive force of expression. +My task is, therefore, +stupendous, but I will perform it.</p> + +<h3><span class="sc">The Derby.</span></h3> + +<p>There are many horses in for the +Derby. Some people fancy <i>Surefoot</i>. +Fancies are not, of course, +facts, but the name is good. Keep +your eye on the black and cerise +of <span class="sc">Liddiard</span>. <i>Sainfoin</i> is not +generally supposed to cover grass, +but there are generally exceptions. +I have not heard the angels calling +<i>Le Nord</i> lately, but they may +begin at any time. A man may +get <i>home</i>, so may a horse, and I am +bound to say that if I were <i>The +Beggar</i> I should give the lie to the +crack-brained puddling proverb, +and be a chooser of first place. +<i>Bel Demonio</i> should be all there +when the first part of his name +rings, so that he may go like the +second, if he wants to be one, two, +or three. <i>Rathbeal</i> rhymes to heel. +Has he got a clean pair to show? +<i>Orwell</i> should score well; and you +must never, tie your <i>Garter</i> too +tightly, unless you want to stop +your circulation. <i>Golden Gate</i> is +not always as open as might be +wished; and <i>The Imp</i> is sometimes +a hindrance. Good old <i>Polonius</i>! +As for <i>Kirkham</i>, <i>Alloway</i>, +<i>Martagon</i>, and <i>Loup</i>, all I can say +is, Mum's the word. How about +the Field? Monkeys are often +made there. So much for the Derby.</p> + +<h3><span class="sc">The Oaks.</span></h3> + +<p>Who said <i>Semolina</i>? Passion, +passion take advice, fill your +pockets fall of <i>Semolina</i>. Ha, ha! +<i>Signorina</i> ought certainly not to +miss the mark by more than a +mile. <i>Mémoire</i> might do <i>pour +servir</i>, and <i>Goldwing</i> sounds well +for a flyer. Those who cross the +<i>Ponza (sinorum)</i> generally go further +with ease, and <i>Dearest</i> is +certainly superlative. The Field +a monkey. Who said that? Whoever +he was, let him beware! That +is all I have to say in the meantime, +but anyone desiring further +information is requested to apply +to me by letter at the office, enclosing +twelve clean stamps for a +reply. All who are not in a state +of niddy-noddying, anserous, +asinine, gruel-brained, pumpkin-faced, +gooseberry-eyed imbecility, +will, of course, do so.</p> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double rule" border="0" /></div> + +<h3>A Shaftesbury Song.</h3> + +<p class="center"> +(<span class="sc">Air</span>—<i>"With a Doodah!" as sung +years ago, with great applause, by</i> +Mr. <span class="sc">W. E. Gl-dst-ne</span>.) +</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="sc">Our</span> Author <span class="sc">Jones</span> has come out strong</p> +<p class="i2">With a <i>Judah</i>! With a <i>Judah</i>!</p> +<p>Original drama, three Acts long,</p> +<p class="i4"><i>Judah! Judah!</i> pay!</p> +<p class="i2">It's bound to run each night,</p> +<p class="i4">And many a <i>Matinée</i>.</p> +<p>I'll lay my money on the <span class="sc">Willard</span> nag.</p> +<p class="i4">Ev'ryone will see the play.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;"><a href="images/267-600.png"><img src="images/267-300.png" width="300" height="477" alt="PROFESSOR TYNDALL'S LATEST PORTRAIT OF MR. C.," /></a> +<h4>PROFESSOR TYNDALL'S LATEST PORTRAIT OF MR. C.,</h4> +<p class="center"><i>Executed with Scientific Accuracy and Considerable Restraint of Tone. +(Guildford, May 28.)</i></p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>"EMBARRASSING!"</h2> + +<h4><i>Or, The Political Scipio and the East African +Charmer.</i></h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"Though the topic of Africa is said to be 'embarrassing +and inconvenient,' it need not occasion +any uneasiness at all; but if the British Government +surrenders any portion of the territory +reserved for the sphere of British influence, it may +become most terribly embarrassing within a +measurable period of time."—<i>Stanley's Reply to +Lord Salisbury.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<h3><span class="sc">Stanley</span>, <i>loquitur</i>:—</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="sc">History</span> repeats itself! Perhaps it may do,</p> +<p class="i2">But "with a difference." The moral Sages</p> +<p>Think that if anyone holds wisdom, <i>they</i> do;</p> +<p class="i2">But not all sense is stored in pedant's pages.</p> +<p>Historic parallels, from <span class="sc">Plutarch</span> downwards,</p> +<p class="i2">Are rather pretty fancies than realities.</p> +<p>I am no book-worm, have no leanings gownwards.</p> +<p class="i2">And set small store by moralist's banalities.</p> +<p>To pose as <span class="sc">Scipio</span>, that pudent Roman,</p> +<p class="i2">So praised by pedagogue <span class="sc">Polybius</span>, seemingly</p> +<p>Pleases a Tory Premier. Well, our foeman</p> +<p class="i2">Won't slumber whilst <i>we</i> choose to doze on dreamingly.</p> +<p><span class="sc">Scipio</span> at New Carthage was a hero</p> +<p class="i2">Of virgin virtue and high generosity;</p> +<p>But hopes in Africa will fall to zero,</p> +<p class="i2">If "policy" means virtuous pomposity.</p> +<p>The chaste Proconsul turned his visage blushingly,</p> +<p class="i2">From what with him was personal temptation;</p> +<p>But what's good rule for one will fall quite crushingly</p> +<p class="i2">If 'tis adopted by a mighty nation.</p> +<p><span class="sc">Scipio</span>, no doubt, was splendid in his modest</p> +<p class="i2">And generous dealings with those Spanish hostages;</p> +<p>But <span class="sc">Salisbury-Scipio</span>? Picture of the oddest!</p> +<p class="i2">Imperial rule is not all Penny Postages,</p> +<p>Dainty diplomacies, generous concessions</p> +<p class="i2">To Teuton tastes and Hohenzollern fancies;</p> +<p>Or faith in bland <span class="sc">Caprivi's</span> fine professions,</p> +<p class="i2">And wandering <span class="sc">Weissmann's</span> roseate romances.</p> +<p>Kilimi-Njaro, Masai-Land, the Congo,</p> +<p class="i2">Should satisfy your thirst for abnegation;</p> +<p>And now, methinks, dear Lord, you cannot wrong go,</p> +<p class="i2">If you go in for—let's say "exploitation."</p> +<p><span class="sc">Scipio</span> the Elder was not given to letting</p> +<p class="i2">The Carthaginians get too much the best of him.</p> +<p>Now on the Teuton it is even betting;</p> +<p class="i2">To squeeze you north, or south, or east, or west of him.</p> +<p>Out of the Congo State on the west border,</p> +<p class="i2">Out of the Southern Soudan on his north one!</p> +<p>By Jove, my Lord, that seems a biggish order!</p> +<p class="i2">To stop it needs some struggle, and 'tis worth one.</p> +<p>That poor East African Company's affronted,</p> +<p class="i2">While Iron-clads and soldiers help the Teuton.</p> +<p><i>Must</i> they then be from the Nyanza shunted,</p> +<p class="i2">And <i>must</i> I all their miseries be mute on,</p> +<p>Because plain speech is what you call "embarrassing."</p> +<p class="i2">Because unto the Teuton you're so tender?</p> +<p>Must Englishmen in Africa stand harassing,</p> +<p class="i2">And stoop to a calm policy of Surrender,</p> +<p>And all that a proud Premier at Hatfield</p> +<p class="i2">May play the <span class="sc">Scipio</span>—in this feeble fashion?</p> +<p>My Lord, we did not win our spurs in <i>that</i> field.</p> +<p class="i2">Upon my soul, it puts me in a passion;</p> +<p>And not me only, but, as you'll discover,</p> +<p class="i2">A lot of Englishmen who watch this drama.</p> +<p><span class="sc">Scipio</span> was not an indiscriminate lover,</p> +<p class="i2">But it was he licked <span class="sc">Hannibal</span> at Zama.</p> +<p>I bring you, <span class="sc">Scipio</span>, the East Afric beauty</p> +<p class="i2">Captured and chained, but opulent and charming.</p> +<p>You turn away! From sacred sense of duty?</p> +<p class="i2">From fear of your (political) virtue harming?</p> +<p>No! <span class="sc">Scipio</span> seemed ruled by honour's laws</p> +<p class="i2">When to the captured beauty he was lenient,</p> +<p>You turn away, sham <span class="sc">Scipio</span>, because</p> +<p class="i2">She seems "embarrassing and inconvenient!"</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page268" id="page268"></a>[pg 268]</span> + +<h2>BEER.</h2> + +<p class="ind1"> +[Messrs. <span class="sc">Spiers and Pond</span> say in a letter in <i>The Daily Telegraph</i>, that +"bottled beer is really what the great majority of the public want when they +are out for a holiday."] +</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="sc">Mention</span> not the wines of Medoc, nor the vintage of Bordeaux,</p> +<p>Or the Burgundy that rivals e'en the ruby in its flow;</p> +<p>Though the growers of Epernay and the merry men of Rheims,</p> +<p>Pour champagne that holds the sunlight in exhilarating streams;</p> +<p>There's a finer nobler tipple, that the Briton's heart doth cheer,</p> +<p>And he clings with fond affection to his draught or bottled beer.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Amber Rudesheimer charms us wandering by the haunted Rhine,</p> +<p>Sparkling Hock near Ehrenbreitstein is a mighty pleasant wine;</p> +<p>In agreement with the German we have vowed we loved full well,</p> +<p>To behold the bubbles flashing on a goblet of Moselle;</p> +<p>But the <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'Brition'">Briton</ins> hugs his tankard, and would count the man an ass</p> +<p>Who held not in highest honour nectar from the vats of <span class="sc">Bass</span>.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Port is worthy of acceptance, once men made the bottle spin;</p> +<p>Sherry hath a welcome flavour when the filberts have come in:</p> +<p>Scotsmen have been seen imbibing in the mountains of the north,</p> +<p>What is known as whiskey-toddy in the lands beside the Forth:</p> +<p>But the Englishmen will tell you that for really sterling worth—</p> +<p><span class="sc">Bass's</span> beer can beat all liquids that were ever made on earth.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>THE BITTER CRY OF THE LONDON RIDER HAGGARD AND JADED.</h2> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 300px; margin-top: -2em;"><a href="images/268-1-600.png"><img src="images/268-1-300.png" width="300" height="436" alt="THE LONDON RIDER HAGGARD AND JADED" /></a></div> + +<p><i>the Chief Commissioners of +Works, The Ditto of Police, +and to "George" Ranger.</i></p> + +<p><span class="sc">Why</span> not open up rides +in Kensington Gardens? +Say one good one under the +trees from South-West to +North-West, and connect +Kensington with Bayswater? +Will any benefactor +to unfortunate Metropolitan +Equestrians force +this North-West passage?</p> + +<p>There is a meagre ride +at the side of the road in +the Inner Circle, Regent's +Park. Why not a good ride +right across Park? From +considerable observation +and experience of Kensington +Gardens and Regent's +Park, it may be confidently +asserted, that such rides as +are here proposed, would +not interfere with the comfort +of a single (or married) +nurse or governess with children in her charge. Both places are +comparatively unfrequented, and the proposed rides would not +infringe upon the recreation of the London boys.</p> + +<p>We strongly recommend the Chief Commissioner to visit Paris, +and, mounted upon a comfortable horse, let him make the acquaintance +of the delightful <i>sentiers</i> laid out as rides in the Bois de +Boulogne. This will be a first-rate French exercise for him, and +he will learn a great deal from it. The <span class="sc">Duke</span>, who is fond of +equitation, especially in Battersea Park, must admit that the equestrians +of London are very badly off for variety. Up and down Rotten +Row, once into the siding by the Barracks, once to the dismal ride +on the North side, and once back again by the ride that opens on +to the Mausoleum-like Magazine,—which of all London Magazines +is the dreariest,—this, and only this, is the daily burden of the +patient London rider's song. "How long? How long?" as Mr. +<span class="sc">Wilson Barrett</span> used to be always exclaiming in <i>The Silver King</i>, +or <i>Claudian</i>, or both. How long—will mounted London put up with +this, which is the reverse of a merry-go-round?</p> + +<p>Then we have to be thankful for the small mercy of a narrow strip +of a ride, barely room for one, along Constitution Hill, and for that +other strip, a trifle wider, in Birdcage Walk, which is always +crowded with children, and one might as well be riding through +nursery grounds. Why shouldn't there be here a cut right across +the grass, from The Walk of the Birdcages to middle of Piccadilly?</p> + +<p>If <span class="sc">George Ranger</span>, the Chief Commissioner of Police, and the +Chief of the Board of Works would combine, we might get something +done which would benefit the riders—riders haggard and jaded—and +materially assist the smallest circulation (possessed by those who ride +to live) in the world. There is one thing that ought to be put down, +and put down with a strong hand,—and that is plenty of gravel at +all the gates; but especially round and about the Marble Arch, which +is a most dangerously slippery pass.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<h4 style="margin-bottom: -0.5em;">THE "SILK" EXHIBITION.</h4> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> + +<a href="images/268-2-800.png"><img src="images/268-2-400.png" width="400" height="384" alt="THE 'SILK' EXHIBITION." /></a> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">What Our Artist Expected to Find There.</span></p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>RAILWAY UNPUNCTUALITY REPORT;</h3> + +<h4><i>Or, What it may probably come to.</i></h4> + +<p><span class="sc">That</span> the new Legislation has begun to tell favourably on the +conduct of the traffic of the leading lines cannot for a moment be +doubted after glancing at the thirteenth Bi-weekly Record, published +at the Companies' expense, according to the Provisions of the +recent Act, on the back of all their passenger-tickets. It is satisfactory +to note how, in something like six weeks, punctuality in the +train service seems really almost established, the only train arriving +one minute late being one of the Edinburgh Expresses, of which the +boiler of the engine blew up at Grantham, thereby causing a little +delay, which, however, was picked up before the conclusion of the +run by extra steaming. The heavy penal system which the new +Legislation has introduced, is, of course, answerable for this +delightful change; but a glance at the following table for the six +weeks since the Act has come into operation, will show how +effectively and rapidly it has worked:—</p> + +<table summary="the thirteenth Bi-weekly Record" align="center" width="auto" border="0" style="border-collapse: collapse;"> +<tr> + <td class="table" rowspan="2"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />First week<br />Second, Do.<br />Third, Do.<br />Fourth, Do.<br />Fifth, Do.<br />Sixth, Do.</td> + <td class="table">Trains<br />late.</td> + <td class="table">Chairmen<br />put<br />in Irons.</td> + <td class="table">Directors<br />sentenced<br />to Penal<br />Servitude.</td> + <td class="table">Station<br />Masters<br />sentenced<br />to Hard<br />Labour.</td> + <td class="table">Other<br />Officials<br />sent<br />to Gaol<br />and Fined.</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="table1">1725<br />3<br />2<br />1<br />....<br />1</td> + <td class="table1">9<br />1<br />..<br />1<br />..<br />1</td> + <td class="table1a">95 <br />3 <br />2 <br />1 <br />1*<br />2 </td> + <td class="table1">192<br />17<br />11<br />3<br />..<br />5</td> + <td class="table1">2004<br />143<br />88<br />15<br />..<br />10</td> +</tr> +</table> + +<p class="center1">* Precautionary sentence.</p> + +<p>The list of officials, as furnished in the above Schedule, undergoing +their various periods of punishment, is an encouraging sign +to the travelling public, and it is satisfactory to notice that the old +unpunctuality that marked the first week, followed up as it was <i>by +a rigorous application of the new law</i>, instantly disappeared as if by +magic, when the Companies began really to understand their <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'responbilities'">responsibilities</ins> +and their penalties under the new Act. It is confidently, +therefore, to be hoped, that next week's record may possibly be an +entirely clean one, and that, <i>the only method of ensuring punctuality</i>, +namely, the infliction of a penalty on the Authorities who can control +it, may be found in practice to be entirely successful.</p> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double rule" border="0" /></div> + +<p><span class="sc">Suggestion Gratis.</span>—Why doesn't some enterprising publisher +engage Sergeant <span class="sc">Palmer</span> of the 19th Knowles's Century Powder +Magazine to write a Military Romance? There has been nothing of +the sort worth mentioning since <span class="sc">Charles Lever</span>. The Sergeant +could write under the <i>nom de guerre</i> of <i>Micky Free, Redivivus</i>.</p> + +<p class="author">(<i>Signed</i>) <span class="sc">Baron de Book-worms</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><i>Q.</i> If several Householders who love peace and quietness on Sunday, +should combine to put down the Salvation Army's so-called singing, +what Mountains would they resemble?—<i>A.</i> The Hymn Allayers.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page269" id="page269"></a>[pg 269]</span> + +<h3>THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.</h3> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 200px;"><a href="images/269-1-400.png"><img src="images/269-1-200.png" width="200" height="396" alt="Marguérite Nordica Slybootzen" /></a> +<p class="center">Marguérite Nordica Slybootzen +coming home from church.</p></div> + +<p><i>Monday, May 26.</i>—Faust. Faust-rate performance as far as +<span class="sc">Jack</span> and <span class="sc">Ned de Reszké</span> are concerned. Madame <span class="sc">Nordica</span> +is far +too knowing a <i>Marguérite</i>. The simple +<i>Faust</i>, just beginning life, is evidently +no match for this guileless young lady. +Being "no match for her" is probably +the reason for his not marrying her. +<span class="sc">Nordica</span> charming vocally, but dramatically +there is too much of the <i>Becky +Sharp</i> about her, and she is merely in +a plot with <i>Martha</i> to let in the rich +and spoony Juggins called <i>Faust</i>. +New man, <span class="sc">Franceschetti</span>, as <i>Valentine</i>, +not quite the thing: perhaps +nervous seeing <span class="sc">Dan Drady</span> in front +looking at him. Good house for Whit +Monday, though of course The Brilliancies +are absent. Choruses excellent. +What capital match-boxes the old men +in the Old Men's Chorus would make! +Good contrast between Mlle. <span class="sc">Bauermeister</span> +as <i>Martha</i>, and <span class="sc">Ned de R.</span> as +<i>Mephistopheles</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Tuesday.</i>—Glorious Opera, <i>Les Huguenots</i>; +French title with Italian +names, such as <i>Valentina</i>, <i>Margherita +di Valois</i>, <i>Urbano</i>, &c. First appearance +of Monsieur Ybos. <i>Why Boss?</i> +Always thought <span class="sc">Druriolanus</span> was +Boss of this Show. Better change name +to <i>Y-not-bos</i>, and the answer will come +from <span class="sc">Druriolanus</span> himself, "Iboss." Monsieur <span class="sc">Ybos</span> belongs to +the school of Signor <span class="sc">Vibrato</span>. Energetic but too angry with +<i>Valentina</i>, +when she confesses that she loves him. <span class="sc">Ella Russell</span> magnificent +as sleeveless <i>Queen</i>. <span class="sc">Ned de Reszké</span> the best possible +<i>Marcello</i>. As <span class="sc">Druriolanus</span>, dropping into poetry, observes—</p> + +<div class="poem2"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>He is the very best <i>Marcello</i>,</p> +<p>With a voice like the deepest violoncello.</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>Monsieur <span class="sc">Dufriche</span> as <i>San Bris</i>, "quite the <i>brie</i>," or +cheese. +Madame <span class="sc">Tetrazzini</span> a dramatic <i>Valentina</i>. <span class="sc">Dan Drady</span> a +first-rate +<i>Conte di Nevers-too-late-to-mend</i>. Curfew-Watchman in +perfect tune. Soldiers' rataplanatory chorus very nearly perfection +at finish, though starting shakily. Little <span class="sc">Palladino</span> danced +so delightfully as even to bewitch the Hug-me-not soldiers. I've +seen this Opera any number of times, and I have been at considerable +trouble and expense to master the plot. An idea strikes me. +I shall publish <i>Examination Papers on Popular Operas</i>. What +the prize will be for the one who answers correctly from memory, +without reference to any +<i>libretto</i>, is a matter for further +consideration. Here +is a specimen of examination +paper on the <i>Huguenots</i>:—</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Act I.</span>—Why is <i>Raoul</i> +blindfolded?</p> + +<p>What is <i>Miss Valentine</i> +doing in somebody else's +house?</p> + +<p>Why does <i>Raoul's</i> servant +come in and sing a hymn?</p> + +<p>Why is he apparently +pleased when <i>Raoul</i> is blindfolded +and taken away?</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 300px;"><a href="images/269-2-600.png"><img src="images/269-2-300.png" width="300" height="302" alt="Raoul di Nangis Ybos. 'Tu m'ami!'" /></a> +<p class="center1"><i>Raoul di Nangis Ybos.</i> "'Tu m'ami!' +How dare you! '<i>Tu</i> m'ami!' I can't tell you +how angry I am with you. I'll <i>vibrato</i> you!"</p> + +<p class="center1">[<i>Shakes himself, and her at the same time.</i>]</p></div> + +<p><span class="sc">Act. II.</span>—Account for +the dresses of the bathing-women +who come in and +dance before the Queen. +Where are the machines?</p> + +<p>What is the Page's song, +"<i>No, no, no, no!</i>" about?</p> + +<p>Is <i>Raoul</i> in love with the Queen, or the Queen with <i>Raoul</i>? In +either case account reasonably for the subsequent conduct of each of +them.</p> + +<p>What is the Queen singing about at commencement of Act?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Act III.</span>—What is <i>Valentine</i> doing out in the streets, in a +wedding-dress, +late at night?</p> + +<p>Why do the women turn their backs on the church when they +kneel in the streets to say their prayers? Is there no more kneeling-room +inside the church? If so, why are people still being admitted +while the women are kneeling outside? What service should you +say was going on?</p> + +<p>Where do the Maritanas with tambourines all come from? And +why? Are they the bathing-women in another costume? If so, +show their connection with the plot.</p> + +<p>After the curfew has sounded, and a man with a lantern has sent +everyone to bed, why do all the people suddenly come out of bed +again, every one of them all dressed and ready for anything?</p> + +<p>What is the Queen doing riding about the town at night on a +white horse?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Act IV.</span>—Don't you think the Conspirators are very simple-minded +people, not to look behind the curtain where <i>Raoul</i> is hidden? +What have the nuns to do with the blessing of the daggers? +Wouldn't they be rather in the way in a conspiracy?</p> + +<p>On what storey does the action of Act IV. take place, and what is +the height from the ground that <i>Raoul</i> has to leap when he jumps +out of the window?</p> + +<p>There used to be a Fifth Act, with a grand <i>trio</i> and <i>chorale</i>, what +has become of it? If played, does anyone stop to hear it? If not +played, can audience sue the management, or demand their money +back?</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:500px;"><a href="images/269-3-800.png"><img src="images/269-3-400.png" width="400" height="316" alt="Unexpected effect. Sudden appearance of representative of Katti" /></a> +<p class="center">Unexpected effect. Sudden appearance of representative of Katti Lanner.</p></div> + +<p><i>Thursday.</i>—Memorable for two <i>rentrées</i> and one first appearance. +<i>Rentrée</i> of Madame <span class="sc">Etelka Gerster</span>, <i>rentrée</i> of +<span class="sc">Ravelli</span>, and +first appearance, on stage, this season, of Covent Garden Cat. Trying +position for the sleep-walking heroine in bed-room scene, when +the Covent Garden Cat (who was in front last Tuesday night, +when she ran round the ledge of the pit tier in humble imitation of +little <span class="sc">Laurie</span> at Pantomime time) suddenly rushes from under the +bed, and after nearly frightening into fits naughty little <span class="sc">Lisa +Bauermeister</span>, who happens to be hiding there, walks with tail erect +quietly across the stage, and makes a good exit <span class="sc">R.</span> 2. <span class="sc">E.</span> Count +<span class="sc">Edouard</span>, in commencement-of-nineteenth-century hat and coat, +finished off with trousers and patent-leather boots of date A.D. 1890, +much amused. <i>Amina</i> supposed to be walking in her sleep, can't +possibly take notice of animal, but House in chuckles, as an audience +always is, whenever the harmless and quite unnecessary cat appears +upon the stage. <i>Rentrée</i> of <span class="sc">Ravelli</span>, in first-rate voice. +Everyone +charmed with him, and with <span class="sc">Ned de Reszké</span>. Signor <span class="sc">Rinaldino</span> an +amusing <i>Alessio</i>, and Madame <span class="sc">Sinico</span> tunefully affectionate as the +devoted and sympathetic Mamma of the Aminable heroine. Melodies +of our childhood, delightful to hear them again; and the good old-fashioned +Italian Opera terminations to the choruses admirably +rendered.</p> + +<p><i>Friday.</i>—"<i>Dr. Faust</i>, I presume?" I wasn't there. Opera went +on, I believe, in my absence.</p> + +<p><i>Saturday.</i>—<i>La Traviata.</i> <span class="sc">Ella Russell</span> at her best. Tenor +<span class="sc">Montariol</span> not quite at his best as that despicable character +<i>Alfredo</i>. +M. <span class="sc">Palermini</span> (why not "Old Pal"?) very good as <i>Giorgio Germont</i>. +The magnificently-attired chorus enjoy themselves amazingly at +supper in Act I., for <i>Violetta</i>, when she does do the thing, does it +well, and there are certainly not less than four bottles of champagne +among a hundred guests.</p> + +<p><i>Questions for Examination Paper.</i>—At whose house does this +supper-party take place? Why do all the guests leave at once? +Why is everyone in a Charles the Second costume except <i>Violetta</i>, +who is in fashionable evening dress of 1890? Who is the young lady +whom <i>Violetta</i> so affectionately kisses? and what, if anything, has +she to do with the plot?</p> + +<p><i>In Act III.</i>—Is it a <i>bal masqué</i>? If not, what is it, and where? +What is the simple game of cards which <i>Alfredo</i> plays with such +enthusiasm? Who wins? and how much?</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page270" id="page270"></a>[pg 270]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/270-1500.png"><img src="images/270-600.png" width="600" height="390" alt="CAUTION." /></a> +<h4>CAUTION.</h4> + +<p><i>Married Sister.</i> "<span class="sc">And of course, Laura, you will go to Rome or +Florence for your Honeymoon?</span>"</p> + +<p><i>Laura.</i> "<span class="sc">Oh dear, no! I couldn't think of going further than the Isle +of Wight with a Man I know little or nothing of!</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>"DOUBTFUL!"</h3> + +<h4><span class="sc">Owner.</span></h4> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="sc">Our</span> Stable's a bit out of form</p> +<p class="i2">(Says more than one usual backer),</p> +<p>The pace will be made pretty warm,</p> +<p class="i2">And the finish will be a rare cracker.</p> +<p>By Jove! we must put our best goods in the front,</p> +<p>Or possibly we may be out of the hunt.</p> + </div> </div> + +<h4><span class="sc">Trainer.</span></h4> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Come, Sir, don't go talking like that!</p> +<p class="i2">Cantankerous critics will chatter.</p> +<p>Our 'osses can go a rare "bat,"</p> +<p class="i2">Theirs funk it, Sir! <i>That's</i> what's the matter!</p> +<p>Eh, <span class="sc">Ritchie</span>, my boy? Oh, the crack that you ride</p> +<p>Will <i>go</i>, when he once settles into his stride.</p> + </div> </div> + +<h4><span class="sc">Jockey.</span></h4> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>My opinion's of little account,</p> +<p class="i2">But I don't mind admitting, yer honour,</p> +<p>I am <i>not</i> dead nuts on my mount.</p> +<p class="i2">Some say he's as good as a goner.</p> +<p>Though the Witlers are on him, of course, to a man,</p> +<p>His own brother warn't placed the one time as he ran.</p> + </div> </div> + +<h4><span class="sc">Owner.</span></h4> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The <i>Brother Bung</i> stock, <i>entre nous</i>,</p> +<p class="i2">All show soft, when it comes to close racing.</p> +<p>This horse looks a bit of a "screw,"—</p> +<p class="i2">There, <span class="sc">Goschen</span>, no need for grimacing.</p> +<p>I mean no offence; he's well trained, and <i>might</i> win;</p> +<p>But—well, backers seem cautious in planking their tin.</p> + </div> </div> + +<h4><span class="sc">Trainer.</span></h4> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Humph! Pencillers <i>have</i> been at work;</p> +<p class="i2">They'll muck the nag's chance, if they're able.</p> +<p>Fatty <span class="sc">Caine</span>—the fanatical shirk!—</p> +<p class="i2">Seems inclined to abandon the Stable.</p> +<p>But still <i>Compensation's</i> a horse to my mind.</p> +<p>He will finish with fewer before than behind.</p> + </div> </div> + +<h4><span class="sc">Owner.</span></h4> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Ah! but that's not quite good enough, G.</p> +<p class="i2">Just now what we want's a clear winner.</p> +<p>Our new string of cracks numbers three;</p> +<p class="i2">There's <i>Tithe</i> (who's a timid beginner),</p> +<p><i>Land Purchase</i>, a nailer, and this, your pet nag.</p> +<p>The question is, which is the best of the bag?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Land Purchase</i>, now, comes of sound stock</p> +<p class="i2">(By <i>Tenant-Right</i> out of <i>Coercion</i>),</p> +<p>And then I've such faith in his Jock!</p> +<p class="i2">Nay, <span class="sc">Ritchie</span>, I mean no aspersion.</p> +<p>You ride very nicely indeed for a "pup;"</p> +<p>But <span class="sc">Balfour</span>! All's right when the cry's "<span class="sc">Arthur's</span> Up!"</p> + </div> </div> + +<h4><span class="sc">Jockey.</span></h4> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Oh! he's a fair scorcher, a brick,</p> +<p class="i2">With the long legs—and luck—of the "Tinman."</p> +<p>But when of the mounts you've the pick,</p> +<p class="i2">It's hard if you can't score a win, man.</p> +<p>You stick me on <i>Land Purchase</i>, guv'nor, and see</p> +<p>If the "pup," as you call him, ain't in the first three!</p> + </div> </div> + +<h4><span class="sc">Owner.</span></h4> + +<div class="poem1"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Ah, there it is, <span class="sc">Goschen</span>, you know;</p> +<p class="i2">That justifies what I was saying. </p> +<p>I fancy this animal's slow,</p> +<p class="i2">Not sure that his specialty's staying.</p> +<p>I think, if we value our Stable—and tin—</p> +<p>That we should declare with <i>Land Purchase</i> to win.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i32">[<i>Left discussing it.</i></p> + </div> </div> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double rule" border="0" /></div> + +<h3>DERBY DISAPPOINTMENTS.</h3> + +<h4>To go to Epsom with a view to a day's enjoyment.</h4> + +<p>To imagine that there is any sport on the +road down, and ditto returning.</p> + +<p>To believe that a heavy lunch of lukewarm +lobster salad and simmering champagne can +be taken with impunity.</p> + +<p>To fancy that one can get into a train bound +for the Downs without losing one's temper.</p> + +<p>To think that there is any fun in listening +to the ribald songs of street nigger minstrels +and Shoreditch gipsies.</p> + +<p>To expect that, after taking part in half a +dozen drag sweeps, any one of them will turn +up trumps.</p> + +<p>To presume that you will neither be choked +with dust nor drenched with rain before you +get home.</p> + +<p>Lastly, to back the Winner for £10,000, +payable by the Bank of England, to draw the +right number at all the West-End Clubs to +which you belong, becoming in consequence +betrothed to the only and lovely daughter +of a millionnaire Duke, and then (on waking) +to find it all a dream!</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page271" id="page271"></a>[pg 271]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><a href="images/271-1000.png"><img src="images/271-370.png" width="370" height="485" alt="'DOUBTFUL!'" /></a> +<h4>"DOUBTFUL!"</h4> + +<p><span class="sc">Lord Salisbury</span> (<i>to Trainer</i>). "H'M!—DON'T QUITE LIKE THE LOOK OF +HIM. BETTER DECLARE TO WIN WITH <i>LAND PURCHASE</i>!"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page272" id="page272"></a>[pg 272]</span><br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page273" id="page273"></a>[pg 273]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/273-1500.png"><img src="images/273-600.png" width="600" height="225" alt="A WARNING IN WAX." /></a> +<h4>A WARNING IN WAX.</h4> +<div class="figleft" style="width: 260px;"> +<p><span class="sc">What the Statue looked like when it left the Sculptor's +hand for exhibition.</span></p></div> +<div class="figright" style="width: 260px;"> +<p><span class="sc">Its appearance when the British Public had ascertained, +by experiment, that it really was in wax.</span></p></div></div> +<br clear="all" /> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>THE BALLAD OF THE EARL'S BREEKS.</h2> + +<p class="ind1"> +"I am wearing a pair of Co-operative trousers."—<i>Lord Rosebery, at +Congress of Delegates from the Co-operative Societies of Great Britain and +Ireland, meeting at Glasgow.</i> +</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="sc">Talk</span> of Dual Garmenture! Here's a picture, to be sure,</p> +<p class="i2">That a pleasanter, more potent lesson teaches.</p> +<p>Croakers given to foolish fright might take courage at the sight</p> +<p class="i2">Of Lord <span class="sc">Rosebery's</span> Co-operative Breeches!</p> +<p>For our Earl's a canny chief, and the timidest must feel</p> +<p class="i2">That by what he advocates no sort of hurt is meant;</p> +<p>And if anybody wants true co-operative pants,</p> +<p class="i2">He'll be glad to read Lord <span class="sc">Rosebery's</span> advertisement.</p> +<p>Co-operation now frightens very few, I trow,</p> +<p class="i2">(Who wear trousers); but a few years earlier? Bless us!</p> +<p>Such breeks would have been bogies to a lot of frightened fogies,</p> +<p class="i2">They would just as soon have donned the shirt of Nessus.</p> +<p>Now an Earl to Glasgow goes, 'midst the men once thought our foes,</p> +<p class="i2">And about Co-operation learns—and also teaches;</p> +<p>And receives with genial glee from the Tweed Society</p> +<p class="i2">A pair of Tweed Co-operative Breeches!</p> +<p>Why eighty-six per cent. (at Clackmannan) are intent,</p> +<p class="i2">(Nearly nine-tenths of all its population),</p> +<p>In a fashion fair as stout, upon fully working out</p> +<p class="i2">The principles of true Co-operation.</p> +<p>Yet there are no earthquakes there, and Lord <span class="sc">Rosebery</span> in the chair</p> +<p class="i2">At the Congress of Co-operative Delegates,</p> +<p>Talks in tones of hearty cheer, and the very thought of fear</p> +<p class="i2">To a Limbo Fatuorum calmly relegates.</p> +<p>Members One million men, with a capital of <i>Ten</i>,</p> +<p class="i2">And an annual sale of close on <i>Thirty Seven</i>!</p> +<p>Two millions more each year! Yes, it's truly pretty clear</p> +<p class="i2">That the State feels the co-operative leaven.</p> +<p>And though it is mere hum to see the Millennium,</p> +<p class="i2">Because Co-operators cheerfully co-operate,</p> +<p>Yet it <i>is</i> a mighty movement, and our hopes of Earth's improvement</p> +<p class="i2">May rise with it, at a prudent and a proper rate.</p> +<p>Pooh! the pessimistic dreams of pragmatical Earl <span class="sc">Wemyss</span></p> +<p class="i2">May well excite this sager Earl's derision.</p> +<p>Forty Millions total profit! No, we are <i>not</i> nearing Tophet,</p> +<p class="i2">Any more than we are touching realms Elysian.</p> +<p>Those on Co-Ops so sweet and shopkeepers need not treat</p> +<p class="i2">Each other like the cats of old Kilkenny,</p> +<p>From each other they might learn, live together and all turn,</p> +<p class="i2">With sagacity and skill, an honest penny.</p> +<p>There's no need for any gush, but "The Principle" will push</p> +<p class="i2">As Lord <span class="sc">Rosebery</span> foreshadows to high places;</p> +<p>And it was not all his fun when he hinted we might run</p> +<p class="i2">Our Empire on co-operative bases!</p> +<p>They who want to understand what is stirring in the land,</p> +<p class="i2">Should peruse <span class="sc">Primrose's</span> pithiest of speeches,</p> +<p>Meanwhile <i>Punch</i> drinks good health to the "Labourer's Commonwealth,"</p> +<p class="i2">And long wear to those Co-operative Breeches!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>WEEK BY WEEK.</h3> + +<p><i>Monday.</i>—Preparing for the Derby. Mr. <span class="sc">Stanley</span> goes out of his +way to meet Lord <span class="sc">Salisbury</span>. Lord <span class="sc">Salisbury</span> goes out of +Mr. H. M. S's. way.</p> + +<p><i>Tuesday.</i>—More preparations for Derby.</p> + +<p><i>Wednesday.</i>—The Derby. <i>Mr. Punch</i> out for the day. Party at +Foreign Office to meet Mr. <span class="sc">Stanley</span> unavoidably postponed.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday.</i>—Trying to recover from Derby Day.</p> + +<p><i>Friday.</i>—Private Eclipse of the Sun. For tickets to view, inquire at +Timekeeper's Office, Charing Cross. Only a limited number will +be issued.</p> + +<p><i>Saturday.</i>—Lord <span class="sc">Salisbury's</span> first dance to meet Mr. +<span class="sc">Stanley</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Social</span> festivities which were much disturbed by the Whitsuntide +holidays, have now been resumed in all their splendour. The Mile +End Athenæum yesterday held their annual reception in the palatial +institution designed for the accommodation of the intellectual <i>élite</i> +of the district. The rooms were crowded from an early hour. +Proceedings began with an address on "The Æsthetic Position of +Mile End," delivered by the President. This was followed by some +graceful step-dancing, executed by two stars from the neighbouring +Hall of Variety. Later on the guests, having, as is usual, exchanged +over-coats, and tossed with the Club halfpenny for umbrellas, +separated to their homes.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>Lady <span class="sc">Clementina Cropper</span> has issued cards for a musical evening +at which all the most eminent performers are expected. The +Whistling Quintette and the Whispering Choir have been engaged. +Her Ladyship's parties are famous for the animation and brilliancy +of their conversation.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>It is understood that the Stewards of the Jockey Club at their +last meeting resolved to suppress the use of all strong language on +Derby Day. Any owner discovered in the act of saying "blow" +will be confined to barracks for a fortnight. Anything more violent +will involve perpetual suspension, with the loss of all the privileges +of a British Citizen. Any jockey denouncing his neighbour's eyes +will be converted into an automatic toffee-distributor. If he repeats +the offence, he will be forbidden to vote at the next County Council +Election. These salutary regulations will be strictly enforced.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>The Railway Companies anticipate no difficulty in conveying +visitors to Epsom within two hours of the time fixed for their +arrival. Much interest attaches to some novel experiments in shunting, +which are to be carried out between Epsom and London to-day. +The point is to discover whether an excursion train loaded with +passengers at the rate of thirty to a carriage designed for eight, can +be shunted into a siding so as to clear an express moving at a constant +velocity of fifty miles an hour, drinks included. The pace of +the excursion train may be neglected in the solution of the problem.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>"I have never understood," says a Correspondent, who signs himself +"<span class="sc">Puzzled</span>," "why a dog should always use his left hind-leg +for the purpose of scratching his left ear, and <i>vice versâ</i> his right leg +for his right ear. Can any of your readers enlighten me?"</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page274" id="page274"></a>[pg 274]</span> + +<h2>GROSVENOR GEMS. (SECOND VISIT.)</h2> + +<table align="center" width="600px" summary="exhibition pictures" border="0"> + <tr> + <td> +<table border="0" summary="exhibition pictures"> + <tr> + <td class="pictures" width="150px" valign="top"> +<a href="images/274-1-400.png"><img src="images/274-1-150.png" width="150" height="304" alt="No. 180. Littler and Littler." border="0" /></a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td><p class="center">No. 180. Littler and Littler.</p> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td height="345"> + </td> + </tr> +</table> +</td> +<td width="30%"> +<table border="0" summary="exhibition pictures"> + <tr> + <td class="pictures" width="235px"> +<a href="images/274-2-550.png"><img src="images/274-2-200.png" width="200" height="268" alt="No. 36. W. Qrious Jaundiceson, R.A." border="0" /></a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td><p class="center">No. 36. W. Qrious Jaundiceson, R.A.</p> + </td> + </tr> +</table> +<table border="0" summary="exhibition pictures"> + <tr> + <td class="pictures" width="200px"> +<a href="images/274-4-600.png"><img src="images/274-4-200.png" width="200" height="333" alt="No. 102. Marvellous Acrobatic Feat." border="0" /></a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td><p class="center">No. 102. Marvellous Acrobatic Feat.</p> + </td> + </tr> +</table> +</td> +<td valign="top"> +<table border="0" summary="exhibition pictures"> + <tr> + <td class="pictures" width="250px"> +<a href="images/274-3-800.png"><img src="images/274-3-250.png" width="250" height="334" alt="No. 140. 'Mr. Stanley, I presume?'" border="0" /></a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td><p class="center">No. 140. "Mr. Stanley, I presume?"</p> + </td> + </tr> +</table> +<table border="0" summary="exhibition pictures"> + <tr> + <td class="pictures" width="300px"> +<a href="images/274-5-800.png"><img src="images/274-5-250.png" width="250" height="290" alt="No. 109. The Dairy Maid and the Butteries." border="0" /></a> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td><p class="center">No. 109. The Dairy Maid and the Butteries.</p> + </td> + </tr> +</table> + +</td> +</tr> +</table> + +<hr /> + +<h3>EXCHELSIOR!</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">Told</span> that I can "assist +the progress of Military +Science" if I go up in a +"War Balloon" at Chelsea. +Don't know anything +about ballooning, +but do want to assist +Military Science.</p> + +<p>Arrive at Chelsea Exhibition +Grounds. See the +Balloon being inflated. +Disappointed, as a "War +Balloon" seems to be +exactly the same as a +Peace Balloon. Expected +it to be armour-plated, or +fitted with aërial torpedoes, +or something of that +sort. Ask Professional +Aëronaut if I mayn't take +a bomb up with me, and +drop it, as practice for war +time? Aëronaut scowls +fiercely. Asks, "If I +want to blow the Balloon +to smithereens?" Also +asks, "If I have any +bombs about me now?" +Looks as if he would like +to search me! Drop the +subject—not the bomb. +Still, I <i>should</i> like to know +how I can "assist Military +Science." Take my place +in car nervously.</p> + +<p>Somebody shouts, "Let +go!" What an extraordinary sensation! Feel as if I had suddenly left +digestive portion of my anatomy a mile below me. Have felt same sort of +thing in crossing Channel. Look over edge of car. Appalling! Wish I +hadn't been such a fool as to come. Ask Professional Aëronaut, "What +would happen if a rope broke now?" He replies, sulkily, "your neck +would break too." Not comforting. Question is—How long will this last +without my being sea-sick?</p> + +<p>Also, How am I "assisting +progress of Military Science?" Balloon calmer, and <i>not</i> wobbling, +thank Heaven! Begin to enjoy the view. +How beastly cold it is up +here, though! Passing over St. Paul's—suggest to fellow passenger that +with a bomb, or better still a pistol, one could "pot" the +Dome. Passenger (funny man) says, "Why not try a para<i>shoot</i>?" +I laugh heartily, and nearly fall over side. Aëronaut, roughly, +"wishes to goodness I'd keep still." <i>I</i> wish to goodness he'd +make the Balloon keep still—don't say this, however.</p> + +<p>Somewhere over Essex. See distant sea. Aëronaut says, "There's no +end of a wind springing up." Heavens! Believe we are +drifting out to sea! But I didn't want to "assist progress of <i>Naval</i> +Science"—only "Military." Tell Aëronaut this. He says, he's "just +going down." Talks as if he were "going down" to breakfast—after "getting up," +as we have done! Rather a good joke for mid-air. +But is it mid-air? We are descending rapidly. Digestion this time left up in +clouds. Tearing along over fields. Balloon pitching and +tossing violently. Grapnel thrown out. Catches a cow. Cow runs with us. Idiot! +Why can't it stand steady?</p> + +<p>Awful crash! Bump, bang, whack! Balloon explodes with fearful report. +Yet no reporters present! Remember nothing more. +Wake up, and find myself in Hospital of an Essex town. Query—Have I, +or have I not, "assisted the progress of Military Science?"</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page275" id="page275"></a>[pg 275]</span> + +<h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3> + +<p><i>The Marsh King's Daughter.</i> One of <span class="sc">Warne & Co.'s</span> +publications for children's amusement, but the illustrations +by <span class="sc">Jessie Currie</span> are too highly curried, or rather +coloured, and the effect is hard and theatrical. By the +way, Miss <span class="sc">Currie's</span> genius is a trifle wilful; for example, +take this situation, which she has chosen to illustrate,—"She +... pointed to a horse. He mounted upon +it, and she sprang before him, and held tightly by the +mane." Now, asks the Baron, taking for granted the +"sprang" is for "sprang up," how would ordinary talent +depict this scene? Why, certainly, by showing the girl +mounted on the horse, holding on by the mane in front +of the man, and the man up behind. Not so Miss <span class="sc">Currie</span>. +She puts the good man—apparently an Amateur Monk—astride +the horse, and she riding behind, holding lightly +as it appears, with one hand the broad red crupper, and, +with the other, probably, some portion of the Amateur +Monk's dressing-gown. But genius must not be fettered.</p> + +<p><i>Æsop Redivivus</i> is delightful, if only for the reappearance +of the quaint old woodcuts—some of which, however, +the Baron is of opinion, never belonged to the original +edition—yet, with a polite bow to <span class="sc">Mary Boyle</span>, he +would venture to observe that, in his opinion, the revivification +is an excellent idea rather thrown away. +Whether it would have been better for more or less +Boyleing, he is not absolutely certain, but perhaps the +notion required a somewhat different treatment. The +best of the fables is <i>The Sly Stag</i>, which, according to +the woodcut, ought to have been a goat. But there may +be some subtle humour in the frequent incongruity +between a fable and its pictorial illustration.</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">The Baron de Book-worms.</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter"><img src="images/double_rule-1.png" width="250" height="10" alt="double rule" border="0" /></div> + +<p><span class="sc">Grandolph Victorious.</span>—Rather fresh Easterly-windy +weather for racing, last week; glad, therefore, to hear +that <span class="sc">Grandolph</span> "had a lot on." His <i>Abbesse de Jouarre</i> +was not to be stopped by any <i>Father Confessor</i>, and came +in first. What will he name his next probable starter? +<i>John Wesley</i>?</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Recent</span> letters to <i>The Times</i> represent Tangiers to +English tourists as the most Tangierble point for a +holiday trip.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/275-800.png"><img src="images/275-400.png" width="400" height="487" alt="A MINE OF INFORMATION." /></a> +<h4>A MINE OF INFORMATION.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="sc">What's a Centaur, Papa?</span>"</p> + +<p>"<span class="sc">A Centaur, my child, is a Fabulous Creature, now <i>extinct!</i></span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>MORE ABOUT TALLEYRAND.</h3> + +<h4><i>To the Editor of "Punch."</i></h4> + +<p><span class="sc">Dear Sir,</span>—You have on many occasions honoured me by inserting +my contributions, and consequently it is to you I turn in the +present difficulty. A few days since an appeal was made in the +columns of one of your contemporaries which it is hard to resist.</p> + +<p><i>À propos</i> of the Talleyrand Autobiography a gentleman, who had +given some extracts therefrom, wrote—"What I have quoted shows +the charm and interest of the work, but does not discount its publication; +and this, I hope, will be enough to enforce on the custodians +of the Memoirs the obligation of reflection before continuing to suppress +and to frustrate the legitimate curiosity of the public." I have +reflected, and, without making any admission, I submit that possibly +the following passages may attain the end which the gentleman in +question seemingly suggests.</p> + +<p>When <span class="sc">Talleyrand</span>, in 1801, was at Amiens, assisting <span class="sc">Joseph +Bonaparte</span> in conducting negotiations with Lord <span class="sc">Cornwallis</span> for +the final ratification of peace, he had an interview with the representative +of England. I give a translation from a paper in my +possession:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"It was already the everlasting opposition of maritime and manufacturing +towns that prevented this consummation. When Milor (<span class="sc">Cornwallis?</span>) +observed, with insular bluntness (<i>bonhomie</i>), 'The outcome will +be a new throne (<i>encore une chaise bien décoré</i>) for J. B.' I replied, 'This +will certainly not be to the advantage of Son Altesse <span class="sc">Joseph</span> (<i>pas pour +Josê</i>).'" +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Does not this read as if written yesterday? Five years later +<span class="sc">Talleyrand</span> entered into a direct communication with Fox by letter, +and this led to a personal interview with Lord <span class="sc">Yarmouth</span>. I make +a second quotation:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"I told Mister-for-laughter (<i>esquire pour rire</i>) that there would be no +difficulty in restoring to England Hanover, which was then in possession of +Prussia. The Englishman (<i>l'Anglais</i>), who had been imbibing some generous +wine (<i>vin ordinaire à dix sous</i>), stammered out that he considered the +suggestion piscatorial. 'Milor,' I retorted, with a polite bow, 'to a <span class="sc">Yarmouth</span> +accustomed to bloaters all things must appear fishy!'" +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Considering <span class="sc">Talleyrand's</span> flexible mind, and the ease with which +he resigned himself to blunders when they did not seem to him dangerous, +this judgment, expressed with surprising emphasis, is the +most striking condemnation which can be passed on the tone adopted +by the British negotiator. With rare skill <span class="sc">Talleyrand</span> avoids the +dryness usual to memoirs of a personal character. As an instance of +this, I give a description of the desertion by the wily diplomatist of +<span class="sc">Napoleon</span> in 1814, when the Emperor had consented to retire to +Elba. That this passage may have additional force, I give it in the +original, possibly very original, French:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"Je n'aime pas lui. Je pensais de cet homme qu'il était un espèce de +polichinelle (<i>a quaint sort of puppet</i>), qu'il n'était pas la valeur de son sel +(<i>not the value of his salt</i>), et voilà la raison pourquoi je lui vende (<i>why I +offered him for sale</i>). Il n'a pu supporter la bienfaisance avec satisfaction, +ni les choses bien désagréables avec complaisance." +</p></blockquote> + +<p>"He could not bear the things that were disagreeable with complacency." +Volumes might be written on that phrase, which at +this moment, if we look around us, suggests numerous parallel +instances. I have heard a man growl when a plate of soup has been +poured by a careless waiter on his dress waistcoat, I have noticed a +lady frown when I have myself accidentally torn her train from its +body, by treading upon it at an evening party. <span class="sc">Talleyrand</span> knew +<span class="sc">Napoleon</span>—"He could not bear the things that were disagreeable +with complacency!" And yet <span class="sc">Bonaparte</span> is sometimes called +"<i>Le Grand</i>!" (The Great!)</p> + +<p>Here I pause, as I feel that I may have already gone too far. It +is not for me to say how the document from which I have quoted, +came into my possession. But before I satisfy the legitimate curiosity +of the public further, I consider it my professional duty to consult +the Bar Committee, the Council of the Incorporated Law Society, +the President of the Probate, Divorce, and Admiralty Division of the +High Court of Justice, and the <span class="sc">Lord Chancellor</span>, many of whom +are unfortunately still absent, enjoying the Whitsuntide Vacation. +I have the honour to be, dear Sir,</p> + +<p class="author1">Your most obedient Servant,</p> + +<p class="author">(<i>Signed</i>) <span class="sc">A. Briefless, Junior.</span></p> + +<p class="ind1"><i>Pump-handle Court, June 2nd, 1890.</i></p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page276" id="page276"></a>[pg 276]</span> + +<h3>A NOVEL WITH A PURPOSE.</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch,</span></p> + +<p>How a few hundred pounds may be easily and honestly +earned is a problem which daily exercises the imaginations of +thousands. I was fortunate enough to hit upon a plan which I now feel +it to be my duty to make as widely known as possible for the benefit of +those whose need is greater than mine; for, curiously enough, not +only did my work bring me in that direct emolument, upon which I +not unwarrantably reckoned, but an elderly lady of unstable views +was so taken with the chaotic benevolence of my book, that she +bequeathed to me a very handsome legacy indeed, and almost immediately +enabled me to realise it. Thus does the absolutely unexpected +serve as the handmaid of the perfectly unintended, and enterprise +retires from the lodgings of struggle to the villa of repose. My plan +briefly was to write a quasi-religious Novel with a Purpose. I knew +nothing about religion, and had no literary experience, but the +purpose I had, and that purpose was, to +make enough money to spend six weeks +at Herne Bay, a locality to which I am +passionately addicted.</p> + +<p>A brief sketch of my proceedings will be +the best explanation and guide to others. +I first bought a sixpenny scrap-album, a +pot of paste, and a pair of strong scissors; +and a shillingsworth of penny novelettes +of various kinds and dates, and a shillingsworth +of cheap manuscript-paper completed +my outlay. I then took the goods home +and got to work. Glancing through the +pile of novelettes, I soon found an opening +that struck me as most suitable, cut it out, +and pasted it in the scrap-book. Now came +the chief literary exercise of my task. I +had to go carefully through the passage, +changing the names of the places and people, +and making a few necessary substitutions, +<i>e.g.</i>, "The cuckoo was calling, and the dove +cooing from the neighbouring woodland," +would stand in my version "The cuckoo +was cuckooing, and the dove calling from +the adjacent thicket," while a sky described +as "azure" in the original, would figure +as "lapis lazuli," or, even blue.</p> + +<p>The introduction safely engineered, I took +another novelette from the pile, and holding +it firmly in the left hand, I grasped the +scissors with the thumb and forefinger of the +right, cut three or four extracts at random, +of rather more than half a column in length, +and pasted these in the album, leaving about +space enough for a couple of pages of three-volume +novel, between each section.</p> + +<p>Thus I dealt with my twelve novelettes, and then went through +them again, and even again. Then the hard work began. I had to +draw up a list of names of my own, and then to go carefully through +the extracts, assigning the speeches to the best of my ability to the +most suitable of my own characters. This, however, was infinitely +less trouble than inventing dialogue, a process for which I always +entertained an insuperable aversion. I was also confronted at times +by adventures in my extracts which were quite unsuited for the +novel with a purpose, which, according to the justest canons, should +never get beyond a sprained ankle; and even that has to be handled +with the greatest discretion—generally by the wavering curate. So +I had in several places to tone down precipices, stay the inflowing +tide with more success than King <span class="sc">Canute</span>, and stop runaway horses +before they had excited alarm in their fair riders, or brought the +discarded lover out into the road, saying in a tone of quiet command, +"Stop! This cannot be allowed to go any farther."</p> + +<p>Next, through the kindness of a friend, who was a householder, I +procured a reading ticket for the British Museum Library, and from +the writings of <span class="sc">Herbert Spencer</span>, <span class="sc">Huxley</span>, <span class="sc">Emerson</span>, +<span class="sc">Matthew +Arnold</span>, <span class="sc">Ruskin</span>, Dr. <span class="sc">Momerie</span>, and Mr. <span class="sc">Walter +Pater</span>, and +largely from the more pretentious Reviews and Magazines, I made +copious and tolerably bewildering extracts, which I apportioned +among the vacant spaces in my story, with more regard to the +length than to the circumstances. I next went carefully over the +whole, writing in a line here and there to make things smooth and +pleasant, and artfully acknowledging the quotations in an incidental +manner. The result was a surprisingly interesting and suggestive +work, and when I had copied it all out in a fair, clerkly hand, I +found no difficulty in disposing of it, to good advantage, to a +publisher of repute. The book caught on immensely. I became +for one dazzling season a second-rate lion of the first magnitude. +I was pointed out by literary celebrities whom nobody knew, to +social recruits who knew nobody. I figured prominently in the +Saloons of the Mutual-exploitation Societies, and when my name +appeared in the minor Society papers among those present at Mrs. +<span class="sc">Ophir Crowdy's</span> reception, I felt what it was to be famous—and +to remain unspoiled.</p> + +<p>A word of advice to those who will act upon my suggestions. +Pitch your story in the calm domestic key, upon which the depths +and obscurities of essayists, philosophers and divines, will come with +pleasing incongruity. Thus:—</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">Chapter I.</span></h4> + +<p>"An English Summer day; old <i>Ponto</i> has been lying in the shade +of the great elm at the Rectory Gate, too lazy to make even a +vigorous snap at the flies, who are circling with mazy persistency +round his great, good-humoured head. At the sound of wheels +coming along the road, he pricks up his ears, and moves aside just +in time to avoid being run over by the chaise from the Hall." Then +the rattle of teacups, and the merry voices of tennis-players are +interrupted by the barking of <i>Ponto</i>, and +the incident of the tramp, lectured by the +Rector, and relieved by <span class="sc">Lionel</span>, the philanthropic +Atheist.</p> + +<p>"'I love the Human, I resent the Divine!' +said <span class="sc">Lionel</span>, carefully shutting his purse.</p> + +<p>"'Why, really,' began the Rector, 'I +don't know what I have done to incur your +resentment.'</p> + +<p>"'Pardon me, Sir,' said <span class="sc">Lionel</span>, grimly. +'I am speaking of the Divine with a big <i>D</i>.'</p> + +<p>"'We never use a big, big <i>D</i>,' laughed +<span class="sc">Nettie</span>, gaily shaking her curls.</p> + +<p>"'Hush!' said <span class="sc">Mabel</span>, raising a warning +finger at her little rattle-brain."</p> + +<p>After this sally you may give two or +three pages of discussion, letting the Rector +have a good show with some of the Fathers, +while <span class="sc">Nettie</span> and <span class="sc">Lionel</span> reconstruct things, +human and divine, in the gloaming. You +may carry your party to town in the season, +and tantalise your frivolous readers by +taking them just up to the Duchess's door. +"Here <span class="sc">Lionel</span> and Mr. <span class="sc">Crumpetter</span> left +the ladies, as they had some important +business in hand, promising to return for +them at six o'clock. They had to go to +an architect's office in Great George Street, +to inspect the plans of the new Laundry, +which <span class="sc">Lionel</span> had persuaded the Earl to +erect on the waste ground where he had had +his memorable conversation with the tinker."</p> + +<p>This plan might advantageously be applied +to the fashionable, the military, the sporting, +and the adventurous novel. Indeed, +most writers seem to think that it has been. +Meanwhile, nobody need starve while they can turn their scissors +to intelligent use. Yours obediently,</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">The Retired Clipper.</span></p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h4 style="margin-top: -0.5em;">SKETCH AT A CONCERT.</h4> +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/276-700.png"><img src="images/276-340.png" width="340" height="473" alt="SKETCH AT A CONCERT." /></a> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Variations on the Original Hair.</span></p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.</h2> + +<h3><span class="sc">Journalistic Reporting.</span></h3> + +<p class="ind1">"<i>Applause in court, which was instantly suppressed</i>;"<br /> +<i>i.e.</i>, Some foolish people made a noise at the wrong moment, and applauded the wrong person.</p> + +<p class="ind1">"<i>The case excited the greatest interest, and from an early hour in +the morning the approaches to the court were thronged by a vast +press of individuals, representing a large proportion of the rank, +fashion, and intellect of the Metropolis</i>;"<br /> +<i>i.e.</i>, A crowd of loafers and London busy-bodies came to hear an offensive trial.</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">A Little Music.</span></h4> + +<p class="ind1">"<i>Well, I just put a song or two in my pocket, on the off-chance, +you know</i>;"<br /> +<i>i.e.</i>, "I've half-a-dozen, but he's so jealous he'll +take precious good care I shan't sing 'em all."</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">Private Theatricals.</span></h4> + +<p class="ind1">"<i>No, my dear old chap, you</i> must <i>play the Baron. You see, +anybody, why I myself, can rattle through the Count. Plays itself, +don'tcherknow. But the Baron,</i> that <i>wants an Actor. No, no, you +must play the Baron</i>;"<br /> +<i>i.e.</i>, "<i>He</i> play the Count, at his age, +and with his figure, and cut me out of my favourite part! Put a spoke +in <i>that</i> wheel."</p> + +<p class="ind1">"With <i>a song! Oh, but</i> is <i>my voice good enough to go with Miss +Seetop's?</i>"<br /> +<i>i.e.</i>, "Scraggy screamer; she'd spoil <span class="sc">Sims Reeves</span> +at his best."</p> + +<p class="ind1">"<i>What I'm anxious about is the love-scene. You see I'm hardly +up to the Romeo rôle</i>;"<br /> +<i>i.e.</i>, "With <i>such a Juliet</i>!"</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figleft1"><img src="images/finger.png" width="32" height="14" alt="finger pointing" border="0" /> +</div> + <p class="center" style="margin-top: -0.2em;"> <b>NOTICE.</b>—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will +in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.</p> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<table align="center" summary="note" style="margin-top: 5em;"> +<tr><td class="note"> +<h4>Transcriber's Note:</h4> + +<p>page 267: 'pudent' (sic) retained ... possibly adjective from noun: +pudency, n. Modesty. (f. LL pudentia) (Oxford Dictionary)</p> + +<p>or,</p> + +<p>from Latin Dictionary: Pudens, pudentis, modest; bashful. +Pudenter, modestly, bashfully.</p> + +<p>"To pose as <span class="sc">Scipio</span>, that pudent Roman,"</p> + +<p>page. 270: 'millionnaire', the French spelling of 'millionaire', has been retained.</p> + + +<h4>Errata:</h4> + +<p>Obvious punctuation errors have been repaired.</p> + +<p>The remaining corrections made are indicated by dotted lines under the corrections.<br /> +Scroll the mouse over the word and the original text will <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'apprear'">appear</ins>.</p> + +<p>page 265: 'Fiançé', 'Fiançée' corected to 'Fiancé', Fiancée'.</p> + +<p>page 268: 'Brition' corrected to "Briton". +"But the Briton hugs his tankard,"</p> + +<p>page 268: 'responbilities' corrected to 'responsibilities' +"when the Companies began really to understand their responsibilities"</p> + +</td></tr></table> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 98 +June 7, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 33292-h.htm or 33292-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/3/2/9/33292/ + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 98 June 7, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: July 30, 2010 [EBook #33292] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOLUME 98, JUNE 7TH 1890 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + + + +VOCES POPULI. + +AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY. + +IN THE VESTIBULE. + +[Illustration] + + _Visitors ascending staircase, full of enthusiasm and + energetic determination not to miss a single Picture, + encounter people descending in various stages of mental + and physical exhaustion. At the turnstiles two Friends meet + unexpectedly; both being shy men, who, with timely notice, + would have preferred to avoid one another, their greetings are + marked by an unnatural effusion, and followed by embarrassed + silence._ + +_First Shy Man (to break the spell)._ Odd, our running up against one +another like this, eh? + +_Second Shy Man._ Oh, very odd. (_Looks about him irresolutely, and +wonders if it would be decent to pass on. Decides it will hardly do._) +Great place for meeting, the Academy, though. + +_First S. M._ Yes; sure to come across _somebody_, sooner or later. + + [_Laughs nervously, and wishes the other would go._ + +_Second S. M. (seeing that his friend lingers)._ This your _first_ +visit here? + +_First S. M._ Yes. Couldn't very well get away _before_, you know. + + [_Feels apologetic, without exactly knowing why._ + +_Second S. M._ It's _my_ first visit, too. (_Sees no escape, and +resigns himself._) Er--we may as well go round together, eh? + +_First S. M. (who was afraid this was coming--heartily)._ Good! By +the way, I always think, on a first visit, it's best to take a single +room, and do that thoroughly. [_This has only just occurred to him._ + +_Second S. M. (who had been intending to follow that plan himself)._ +Oh, _do_ you? Now, for _my_ part, I don't attempt to see anything +_thoroughly_ the first time. Just scamper through, glance at the +things one oughtn't to miss, get a general impression, and come away. +_Then_, if I don't happen to come again, I've always _done_ it, you +see. But (_considerately_), look here. Don't let me drag you about, if +you'd rather not! + +_First S. M._ Oh, but I shouldn't like to feel I was any tie on you. +Don't you mind about me. I shall potter about in here--for hours, I +daresay. + +_Second S. M._ Ah, well (_with vague consolation_), I shall always +know where to _find_ you, I suppose. + +_First S. M._ (_brightening visibly_). Oh dear, yes; _I_ shan't be far +away. + + [_They part with mutual relief, only tempered by the necessity + of following the course they have respectively prescribed for + themselves. Nemesis overtakes the_ Second S. M. _in the next + Gallery, when he is captured by a Desultory Enthusiast, who + insists upon dragging him all over the place to see obscure + "bits" and "gems," which are only to be appreciated by ricking + the neck or stooping painfully_. + +_A Suburban Lady (to Female Friend)._ Oh dear, _how_ stupid of me! I +_quite_ forgot to bring a pencil! Oh, _thank_ you, dear, that will do +_beautifully_. It's just a _little_ blunt; but so long as I can _mark_ +with it, you know. You don't think we should avoid the crush if we +began at the end room? Well, perhaps it _is_ less confusing to begin +at the beginning, and work steadily through. + +IN GALLERY NO. I. + + _A small group has collected before_ Mr. WYLLIE'S "Davy + Jones's Locker," _which they inspect solemnly for some time + before venturing to commit themselves to any opinion_. + +_First Visitor (after devoting his whole mind to the subject)._ Why, +it's the Bottom of the Sea--at least (_more cautiously_), that's what +it seems to be _intended_ for. + +_Second V._ Ah, and very well done, too. I wonder, now, how he managed +to stay down long enough to paint all that? + +_Third V._ Practice, I suppose. I've seen writing done under water +myself. But that was a tank! + +_Fourth V. (presumably in profound allusion to the fishes and +sea-anemones)._ Well, they seem to be 'aving it all their own way down +there, don't they? [_The Group, feeling that this remark sums up the +situation, disperses._ + +_The Suburban Lady (her pencil in full play)._ No. 93. Now what's +_that_ about? Oh, "_Forbidden Sweets_,"--yes, to be sure. _Isn't_ that +charming? Those two dear little tots having their tea, and the kitten +with its head stuck in the jam-pot, and the label and all, and the +sticky spoon on the nursery table-cloth--so _natural_! I really _must_ +mark that. (_Awards this distinction._) 97. "_Going up Top._" Yes, +_of course_. Look, LUCY dear, that little fellow has just answered a +question, and his master tells him he may go to the top of the class, +do you _see_? And the big boy looking so sulky, he's wishing he +had learnt his lesson better. I do think it's _so_ clever--all the +different expressions. Yes, I shall _certainly_ mark that! + +IN GALLERY NO. II. + +_The S. L. (doubtfully)._ H'm, No. 156. "_Cloud Chariots_"? Not very +_like_ chariots, though, _are_ they? + +_Her Friend._ I expect it's one of those sort of pictures that you +have to look at a long time, and then things gradually come _out_ of +it, you know. + +_The S. L._ It may be. (_Tries the experiment._) No, _I_ can't +make _anything_ come out--only just clouds and their reflections. +(_Struggling between good-nature and conscientiousness._) I _don't_ +think I _can_ mark that. + +IN GALLERY NO. III. + +_A Matron (before_ Mr. DICKSEE'S "_Tannhaeuser_"). "_Venus and +Tannhaeuser_"--ah, and is that Venus on the stretcher? Oh, _that's_ her +all on fire in the background. Then which is Tannhaeuser, and what are +they all supposed to be doing? [_In a tone of irritation._ + +_Her Nephew._ Oh, it tells you all about it in the Catalogue--he meets +her funeral, you know, and leaves grow on his stick. + +_The Matron (pursing her lips)._ Oh, a _dead person_. + + [_Repulses the Catalogue severely and passes on._ + +_First Person, with an "Eye for Art" (before "Pysche's Bath," by the +President)._ Not bad, eh? + +_Second Person, &c._ No, I rather like it. (_Feels that he is growing +too lenient._) He doesn't give you a very good idea of marble, though. + +_First P. &c._ No--_that's_ not marble, and he always puts too many +folds in his drapery to suit _me_. + +_First P. &c._ Just what _I_ always say. It's not natural, you know. +[_They pass on, much pleased with themselves and one another._ + +_A Fiance (halting before a sea-scape, by_ Mr. HENRY MOORE, _to +Fiancee_). Here, I say, hold on a bit--what's _this_ one? + +_Fiancee (who doesn't mean to waste the whole afternoon over +pictures)._ Why, it's only a lot of waves--_come_ on! + +_The Surburban L._ LUCY, _this_ is rather nice. "_Breakfasts for +the Porth!_" (_Pondering._) I think there must be a mistake in the +Catalogue--I don't see any breakfast things--they're cleaning fish, +and what's a "Porth!" Would you mark that--or not? + +_Her Comp._ Oh, I _think_ so. + +_The S. L._ I don't know. I've marked such a quantity already and +the lead won't hold out much longer. Oh, it's by HOOK, R. A. Then I +suppose it's _sure_ to be all right. I've marked it, dear. + +_Duet by Two Dreadfully Severe Young Ladies, who paint a little on +China._ Oh, my _dear_, look at that. Did you ever see such a thing? +Isn't it too perfectly _awful_? And there's a thing! Do come and look +at this horror over here. A "_Study_," indeed. I should just think it +_was_! Oh, MAGGIE, don't be so satirical, or I shall die! No, but +_do_ just see this--isn't it _killing?_ They get worse and worse every +year, I declare! [_And so on._ + +IN GALLERY NO. V. + + (_Two Prosaic Persons come upon a little picture, by_ Mr. + SWAN, _of a boy lying on a rock, piping to fishes._) + +_First P. P._ _That's_ a rum thing! + +_Second P. P._ Yes, I wasn't aware myself that fishes were so partial +to music. + +_First P. P._ They may be--out there--(_perceiving that the boy is +unclad_)--but it's peculiar altogether--they look like herrings to me. + +_Second P. P._ Yes--or mackerel. But (_tolerantly_) I suppose it's a +fancy subject. [_They consider that this absolves them from taking any +further interest in it, and pass on._ + +IN GALLERY NO. XI. + +_An Old Lady (who judges Art from a purely Moral Standpoint, halts +approvingly before a picture of a female orphan)._ Now, that +really _is_ a nice picture, my dear--a plain black dress and white +cuffs--just what I _like_ to see in a young person! + +_The S. L. (her enthusiasm greatly on the wane, and her temper +slightly affected)._ LUCY, I _wish_ you wouldn't worry so--it's quite +impossible to stop and look at _everything_. If you wanted your tea as +badly as _I_ do! Mark that one? What, when they neither of them have a +single _thing_ on! Never, LUCY,--and I'm surprised at your suggesting +it! Oh, you meant the next one? h'm--no, I _can't_ say I care for it. +Well, if I _do_ mark it, I shall only put a tick--for it really is +_not_ worth a cross! + +COMING OUT. + +_The Man who always makes the Right Remark._ H'm. Haven't seen +anything I could carry away with me. + +_His Flippant Friend._ Too many people about, eh? Never mind, old +chap, you _may_ manage to sneak an umbrella down-stairs--_I_ won't say +anything! + + [_Disgust of his companion, who descends stairs in offended + silence, as scene closes._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "EMBARRASSING!"] + + * * * * * + +IN THE KNOW. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Prophet._) + +I AM told that many of the millions who have read with delight the +brilliant sporting articles that have appeared from my pen week after +week expect me to utter a few words of seasonable advice as to the +chances of the various animals engaged in the Derby and the Oaks. If I +were one of the chowder-headed numskulls who cackle for hire, the task +would doubtless be an easy one. Mr. J. has performed it yearly with +that magnificent want of success which attends all his addle-pated +efforts. But, praise be to Heaven! I am not Mr. J., or one of his +crew. I am only a humble writer, distinguished alike for his unerring +sagacity, his undeviating accuracy, and his incisive force of +expression. My task is, therefore, stupendous, but I will perform it. + +THE DERBY. + +There are many horses in for the Derby. Some people fancy _Surefoot_. +Fancies are not, of course, facts, but the name is good. Keep your +eye on the black and cerise of LIDDIARD. _Sainfoin_ is not generally +supposed to cover grass, but there are generally exceptions. I have +not heard the angels calling _Le Nord_ lately, but they may begin at +any time. A man may get _home_, so may a horse, and I am bound to say +that if I were _The Beggar_ I should give the lie to the crack-brained +puddling proverb, and be a chooser of first place. _Bel Demonio_ +should be all there when the first part of his name rings, so that +he may go like the second, if he wants to be one, two, or three. +_Rathbeal_ rhymes to heel. Has he got a clean pair to show? _Orwell_ +should score well; and you must never, tie your _Garter_ too tightly, +unless you want to stop your circulation. _Golden Gate_ is not always +as open as might be wished; and _The Imp_ is sometimes a hindrance. +Good old _Polonius_! As for _Kirkham_, _Alloway_, _Martagon_, and +_Loup_, all I can say is, Mum's the word. How about the Field? Monkeys +are often made there. So much for the Derby. + +THE OAKS. + +Who said _Semolina_? Passion, passion take advice, fill your pockets +fall of _Semolina_. Ha, ha! _Signorina_ ought certainly not to miss +the mark by more than a mile. _Memoire_ might do _pour servir_, +and _Goldwing_ sounds well for a flyer. Those who cross the +_Ponza (sinorum)_ generally go further with ease, and _Dearest_ is +certainly superlative. The Field a monkey. Who said that? Whoever he +was, let him beware! That is all I have to say in the meantime, but +anyone desiring further information is requested to apply to me by +letter at the office, enclosing twelve clean stamps for a reply. +All who are not in a state of niddy-noddying, anserous, asinine, +gruel-brained, pumpkin-faced, gooseberry-eyed imbecility, will, of +course, do so. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PROFESSOR TYNDALL'S LATEST PORTRAIT OF MR. C., +_Executed with Scientific Accuracy and Considerable Restraint of Tone. +(Guildford, May 28.)_] + + * * * * * + +A Shaftesbury Song. + + (AIR--_"With a Doodah!" as sung years ago, with great + applause, by_ Mr. W. E. GL-DST-NE.) + + OUR Author JONES has come out strong + With a _Judah_! With a _Judah_! + Original drama, three Acts long, + _Judah! Judah!_ pay! + It's bound to run each night, + And many a _Matinee_. + I'll lay my money on the WILLARD nag. + Ev'ryone will see the play. + + * * * * * + +"EMBARRASSING!" + +_Or, The Political Scipio and the East African Charmer._ + + "Though the topic of Africa is said to be 'embarrassing and + inconvenient,' it need not occasion any uneasiness at all; + but if the British Government surrenders any portion of the + territory reserved for the sphere of British influence, it may + become most terribly embarrassing within a measurable period + of time."--_Stanley's Reply to Lord Salisbury._ + +STANLEY, _loquitur_:-- + + HISTORY repeats itself! Perhaps it may do, + But "with a difference." The moral Sages + Think that if anyone holds wisdom, _they_ do; + But not all sense is stored in pedant's pages. + Historic parallels, from PLUTARCH downwards, + Are rather pretty fancies than realities. + I am no book-worm, have no leanings gownwards. + And set small store by moralist's banalities. + To pose as SCIPIO, that pudent Roman, + So praised by pedagogue POLYBIUS, seemingly + Pleases a Tory Premier. Well, our foeman + Won't slumber whilst _we_ choose to doze on dreamingly. + SCIPIO at New Carthage was a hero + Of virgin virtue and high generosity; + But hopes in Africa will fall to zero, + If "policy" means virtuous pomposity. + The chaste Proconsul turned his visage blushingly, + From what with him was personal temptation; + But what's good rule for one will fall quite crushingly + If 'tis adopted by a mighty nation. + SCIPIO, no doubt, was splendid in his modest + And generous dealings with those Spanish hostages; + But SALISBURY-SCIPIO? Picture of the oddest! + Imperial rule is not all Penny Postages, + Dainty diplomacies, generous concessions + To Teuton tastes and Hohenzollern fancies; + Or faith in bland CAPRIVI'S fine professions, + And wandering WEISSMANN'S roseate romances. + Kilimi-Njaro, Masai-Land, the Congo, + Should satisfy your thirst for abnegation; + And now, methinks, dear Lord, you cannot wrong go, + If you go in for--let's say "exploitation." + SCIPIO the Elder was not given to letting + The Carthaginians get too much the best of him. + Now on the Teuton it is even betting; + To squeeze you north, or south, or east, or west of him. + Out of the Congo State on the west border, + Out of the Southern Soudan on his north one! + By Jove, my Lord, that seems a biggish order! + To stop it needs some struggle, and 'tis worth one. + That poor East African Company's affronted, + While Iron-clads and soldiers help the Teuton. + _Must_ they then be from the Nyanza shunted, + And _must_ I all their miseries be mute on, + Because plain speech is what you call "embarrassing." + Because unto the Teuton you're so tender? + Must Englishmen in Africa stand harassing, + And stoop to a calm policy of Surrender, + And all that a proud Premier at Hatfield + May play the SCIPIO--in this feeble fashion? + My Lord, we did not win our spurs in _that_ field. + Upon my soul, it puts me in a passion; + And not me only, but, as you'll discover, + A lot of Englishmen who watch this drama. + SCIPIO was not an indiscriminate lover, + But it was he licked HANNIBAL at Zama. + I bring you, SCIPIO, the East Afric beauty + Captured and chained, but opulent and charming. + You turn away! From sacred sense of duty? + From fear of your (political) virtue harming? + No! SCIPIO seemed ruled by honour's laws + When to the captured beauty he was lenient, + You turn away, sham SCIPIO, because + She seems "embarrassing and inconvenient!" + + * * * * * + +BEER. + + [Messrs. SPIERS AND POND say in a letter in _The Daily + Telegraph_, that "bottled beer is really what the great + majority of the public want when they are out for a holiday."] + + MENTION not the wines of Medoc, nor the vintage of Bordeaux, + Or the Burgundy that rivals e'en the ruby in its flow; + Though the growers of Epernay and the merry men of Rheims, + Pour champagne that holds the sunlight in exhilarating streams; + There's a finer nobler tipple, that the Briton's heart doth cheer, + And he clings with fond affection to his draught or bottled beer. + + Amber Rudesheimer charms us wandering by the haunted Rhine, + Sparkling Hock near Ehrenbreitstein is a mighty pleasant wine; + In agreement with the German we have vowed we loved full well, + To behold the bubbles flashing on a goblet of Moselle; + But the Briton hugs his tankard, and would count the man an ass + Who held not in highest honour nectar from the vats of BASS. + + Port is worthy of acceptance, once men made the bottle spin; + Sherry hath a welcome flavour when the filberts have come in: + Scotsmen have been seen imbibing in the mountains of the north, + What is known as whiskey-toddy in the lands beside the Forth: + But the Englishmen will tell you that for really sterling worth-- + BASS'S beer can beat all liquids that were ever made on earth. + + * * * * * + +THE BITTER CRY OF THE LONDON RIDER HAGGARD AND JADED. + +[Illustration] + +_To the Chief Commissioners of Works, The Ditto of Police, and to +"George" Ranger._ + +WHY not open up rides in Kensington Gardens? Say one good one under +the trees from South-West to North-West, and connect Kensington with +Bayswater? Will any benefactor to unfortunate Metropolitan Equestrians +force this North-West passage? + +There is a meagre ride at the side of the road in the Inner +Circle, Regent's Park. Why not a good ride right across Park? From +considerable observation and experience of Kensington Gardens and +Regent's Park, it may be confidently asserted, that such rides as are +here proposed, would not interfere with the comfort of a single (or +married) nurse or governess with children in her charge. Both places +are comparatively unfrequented, and the proposed rides would not +infringe upon the recreation of the London boys. + +We strongly recommend the Chief Commissioner to visit Paris, and, +mounted upon a comfortable horse, let him make the acquaintance of the +delightful _sentiers_ laid out as rides in the Bois de Boulogne. This +will be a first-rate French exercise for him, and he will learn a +great deal from it. The DUKE, who is fond of equitation, especially +in Battersea Park, must admit that the equestrians of London are very +badly off for variety. Up and down Rotten Row, once into the siding by +the Barracks, once to the dismal ride on the North side, and once back +again by the ride that opens on to the Mausoleum-like Magazine,--which +of all London Magazines is the dreariest,--this, and only this, is the +daily burden of the patient London rider's song. "How long? How long?" +as Mr. WILSON BARRETT used to be always exclaiming in _The Silver +King_, or _Claudian_, or both. How long--will mounted London put up +with this, which is the reverse of a merry-go-round? + +Then we have to be thankful for the small mercy of a narrow strip of a +ride, barely room for one, along Constitution Hill, and for that other +strip, a trifle wider, in Birdcage Walk, which is always crowded with +children, and one might as well be riding through nursery grounds. Why +shouldn't there be here a cut right across the grass, from The Walk of +the Birdcages to middle of Piccadilly? + +If GEORGE RANGER, the Chief Commissioner of Police, and the Chief of +the Board of Works would combine, we might get something done which +would benefit the riders--riders haggard and jaded--and materially +assist the smallest circulation (possessed by those who ride to live) +in the world. There is one thing that ought to be put down, and put +down with a strong hand,--and that is plenty of gravel at all the +gates; but especially round and about the Marble Arch, which is a most +dangerously slippery pass. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE "SILK" EXHIBITION. + +WHAT OUR ARTIST EXPECTED TO FIND THERE.] + + * * * * * + +RAILWAY UNPUNCTUALITY REPORT; + +_Or, What it may probably come to._ + +THAT the new Legislation has begun to tell favourably on the conduct +of the traffic of the leading lines cannot for a moment be doubted +after glancing at the thirteenth Bi-weekly Record, published at the +Companies' expense, according to the Provisions of the recent Act, on +the back of all their passenger-tickets. It is satisfactory to note +how, in something like six weeks, punctuality in the train service +seems really almost established, the only train arriving one minute +late being one of the Edinburgh Expresses, of which the boiler of the +engine blew up at Grantham, thereby causing a little delay, which, +however, was picked up before the conclusion of the run by extra +steaming. The heavy penal system which the new Legislation has +introduced, is, of course, answerable for this delightful change; but +a glance at the following table for the six weeks since the Act has +come into operation, will show how effectively and rapidly it has +worked:-- + +----------------------------------------------------------------- + Trains Chairmen Directors Station Other + late. put sentenced Masters Officials + in Irons. to Penal sentenced sent + Servitude. to Hard to Gaol + Labour. and Fined. +-------------------------------------------------------------- +First week | 1725 | 9 | 95 | 192 | 2004 +Second, Do. | 3 | 1 | 3 | 17 | 143 +Third, Do. | 2 | .. | 2 | 11 | 88 +Fourth, Do. | 1 | 1 | 1 | 3 | 15 +Fifth, Do. | .... | .. | 1[A] | .. | .. +Sixth, Do. | 1 | 1 | 2 | 5 | 10 +-------------------------------------------------------------- + +[Footnote A: Precautionary sentence.] + +The list of officials, as furnished in the above Schedule, undergoing +their various periods of punishment, is an encouraging sign to the +travelling public, and it is satisfactory to notice that the old +unpunctuality that marked the first week, followed up as it was _by a +rigorous application of the new law_, instantly disappeared as if +by magic, when the Companies began really to understand their +responsibilities and their penalties under the new Act. It is +confidently, therefore, to be hoped, that next week's record may +possibly be an entirely clean one, and that, _the only method of +ensuring punctuality_, namely, the infliction of a penalty on the +Authorities who can control it, may be found in practice to be +entirely successful. + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTION GRATIS.--Why doesn't some enterprising publisher engage +Sergeant PALMER of the 19th Knowles's Century Powder Magazine to +write a Military Romance? There has been nothing of the sort worth +mentioning since CHARLES LEVER. The Sergeant could write under the +_nom de guerre_ of _Micky Free, Redivivus_. + +(_Signed_) BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +_Q._ If several Householders who love peace and quietness on Sunday, +should combine to put down the Salvation Army's so-called singing, +what Mountains would they resemble?--_A._ The Hymn Allayers. + + * * * * * + +THE OPERA-GOER'S DIARY. + +[Illustration: Marguerite Nordica Slybootzen coming home from church.] + +_Monday, May 26._--Faust. Faust-rate performance as far as JACK and +NED DE RESZKE are concerned. Madame NORDICA is far too knowing a +_Marguerite_. The simple _Faust_, just beginning life, is evidently +no match for this guileless young lady. Being "no match for her" +is probably the reason for his not marrying her. NORDICA charming +vocally, but dramatically there is too much of the _Becky Sharp_ about +her, and she is merely in a plot with _Martha_ to let in the rich and +spoony Juggins called _Faust_. New man, FRANCESCHETTI, as _Valentine_, +not quite the thing: perhaps nervous seeing DAN DRADY in front looking +at him. Good house for Whit Monday, though of course The Brilliancies +are absent. Choruses excellent. What capital match-boxes the old +men in the Old Men's Chorus would make! Good contrast between Mlle. +BAUERMEISTER as _Martha_, and NED DE R. as _Mephistopheles_. + +_Tuesday._--Glorious Opera, _Les Huguenots_; French title with Italian +names, such as _Valentina_, _Margherita di Valois_, _Urbano_, +&c. First appearance of Monsieur Ybos. _Why Boss?_ Always thought +DRURIOLANUS was Boss of this Show. Better change name to _Y-not-bos_, +and the answer will come from DRURIOLANUS himself, "Iboss." Monsieur +YBOS belongs to the school of Signor VIBRATO. Energetic but too angry +with _Valentina_, when she confesses that she loves him. ELLA RUSSELL +magnificent as sleeveless _Queen_. NED DE RESZKE the best possible +_Marcello_. As DRURIOLANUS, dropping into poetry, observes-- + + He is the very best _Marcello_, + With a voice like the deepest violoncello. + +Monsieur DUFRICHE as _San Bris_, "quite the _brie_," or cheese. Madame +TETRAZZINI a dramatic _Valentina_. DAN DRADY a first-rate _Conte di +Nevers-too-late-to-mend_. Curfew-Watchman in perfect tune. Soldiers' +rataplanatory chorus very nearly perfection at finish, though starting +shakily. Little PALLADINO danced so delightfully as even to bewitch +the Hug-me-not soldiers. I've seen this Opera any number of times, and +I have been at considerable trouble and expense to master the plot. +An idea strikes me. I shall publish _Examination Papers on Popular +Operas_. What the prize will be for the one who answers correctly from +memory, without reference to any _libretto_, is a matter for further +consideration. Here is a specimen of examination paper on the +_Huguenots_:-- + +ACT I.--Why is _Raoul_ blindfolded? + +What is _Miss Valentine_ doing in somebody else's house? + +Why does _Raoul's_ servant come in and sing a hymn? + +Why is he apparently pleased when _Raoul_ is blindfolded and taken +away? + +ACT. II.--Account for the dresses of the bathing-women who come in and +dance before the Queen. Where are the machines? + +What is the Page's song, "_No, no, no, no!_" about? + +[Illustration: _Raoul di Nangis Ybos._ "'Tu m'ami!' How dare you! +'_Tu_ m'ami!' I can't tell you how angry I am with you. I'll _vibrato_ +you!" + +[_Shakes himself, and her at the same time._]] + +Is _Raoul_ in love with the Queen, or the Queen with _Raoul_? In +either case account reasonably for the subsequent conduct of each of +them. + +What is the Queen singing about at commencement of Act? + +ACT III.--What is _Valentine_ doing out in the streets, in a +wedding-dress, late at night? + +Why do the women turn their backs on the church when they kneel in the +streets to say their prayers? Is there no more kneeling-room inside +the church? If so, why are people still being admitted while the women +are kneeling outside? What service should you say was going on? + +Where do the Maritanas with tambourines all come from? And why? +Are they the bathing-women in another costume? If so, show their +connection with the plot. + +After the curfew has sounded, and a man with a lantern has sent +everyone to bed, why do all the people suddenly come out of bed again, +every one of them all dressed and ready for anything? + +What is the Queen doing riding about the town at night on a white +horse? + +ACT IV.--Don't you think the Conspirators are very simple-minded +people, not to look behind the curtain where _Raoul_ is hidden? What +have the nuns to do with the blessing of the daggers? Wouldn't they be +rather in the way in a conspiracy? + +On what storey does the action of Act IV. take place, and what is the +height from the ground that _Raoul_ has to leap when he jumps out of +the window? + +There used to be a Fifth Act, with a grand _trio_ and _chorale_, +what has become of it? If played, does anyone stop to hear it? If not +played, can audience sue the management, or demand their money back? + +[Illustration: Unexpected effect. Sudden appearance of representative +of Katti Lanner.] + +_Thursday._--Memorable for two _rentrees_ and one first appearance. +_Rentree_ of Madame ETELKA GERSTER, _rentree_ of RAVELLI, and first +appearance, on stage, this season, of Covent Garden Cat. Trying +position for the sleep-walking heroine in bed-room scene, when the +Covent Garden Cat (who was in front last Tuesday night, when she ran +round the ledge of the pit tier in humble imitation of little LAURIE +at Pantomime time) suddenly rushes from under the bed, and after +nearly frightening into fits naughty little LISA BAUERMEISTER, who +happens to be hiding there, walks with tail erect quietly across +the stage, and makes a good exit R. 2. E. Count EDOUARD, in +commencement-of-nineteenth-century hat and coat, finished off with +trousers and patent-leather boots of date A.D. 1890, much amused. +_Amina_ supposed to be walking in her sleep, can't possibly take +notice of animal, but House in chuckles, as an audience always is, +whenever the harmless and quite unnecessary cat appears upon the +stage. _Rentree_ of RAVELLI, in first-rate voice. Everyone charmed +with him, and with NED DE RESZKE. Signor RINALDINO an amusing +_Alessio_, and Madame SINICO tunefully affectionate as the devoted and +sympathetic Mamma of the Aminable heroine. Melodies of our childhood, +delightful to hear them again; and the good old-fashioned Italian +Opera terminations to the choruses admirably rendered. + +_Friday._--"_Dr. Faust_, I presume?" I wasn't there. Opera went on, I +believe, in my absence. + +_Saturday._--_La Traviata._ ELLA RUSSELL at her best. Tenor MONTARIOL +not quite at his best as that despicable character _Alfredo_. M. +PALERMINI (why not "Old Pal"?) very good as _Giorgio Germont_. The +magnificently-attired chorus enjoy themselves amazingly at supper in +Act I., for _Violetta_, when she does do the thing, does it well, and +there are certainly not less than four bottles of champagne among a +hundred guests. + +_Questions for Examination Paper._--At whose house does this +supper-party take place? Why do all the guests leave at once? Why is +everyone in a Charles the Second costume except _Violetta_, who is +in fashionable evening dress of 1890? Who is the young lady whom +_Violetta_ so affectionately kisses? and what, if anything, has she to +do with the plot? + +_In Act III._--Is it a _bal masque_? If not, what is it, and where? +What is the simple game of cards which _Alfredo_ plays with such +enthusiasm? Who wins? and how much? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CAUTION. + +_Married Sister._ "AND OF COURSE, LAURA, YOU WILL GO TO ROME OR +FLORENCE FOR YOUR HONEYMOON?" + +_Laura._ "OH DEAR, NO! I COULDN'T THINK OF GOING FURTHER THAN THE ISLE +OF WIGHT WITH A MAN I KNOW LITTLE OR NOTHING OF!"] + + * * * * * + +"DOUBTFUL!" + +OWNER. + + OUR Stable's a bit out of form + (Says more than one usual backer), + The pace will be made pretty warm, + And the finish will be a rare cracker. + By Jove! we must put our best goods in the front, + Or possibly we may be out of the hunt. + +TRAINER. + + Come, Sir, don't go talking like that! + Cantankerous critics will chatter. + Our 'osses can go a rare "bat," + Theirs funk it, Sir! _That's_ what's the matter! + Eh, RITCHIE, my boy? Oh, the crack that you ride + Will _go_, when he once settles into his stride. + +JOCKEY. + + My opinion's of little account, + But I don't mind admitting, yer honour, + I am _not_ dead nuts on my mount. + Some say he's as good as a goner. + Though the Witlers are on him, of course, to a man, + His own brother warn't placed the one time as he ran. + +OWNER. + + The _Brother Bung_ stock, _entre nous_, + All show soft, when it comes to close racing. + This horse looks a bit of a "screw,"-- + There, GOSCHEN, no need for grimacing. + I mean no offence; he's well trained, and _might_ win; + But--well, backers seem cautious in planking their tin. + +TRAINER. + + Humph! Pencillers _have_ been at work; + They'll muck the nag's chance, if they're able. + Fatty CAINE--the fanatical shirk!-- + Seems inclined to abandon the Stable. + But still _Compensation's_ a horse to my mind. + He will finish with fewer before than behind. + +OWNER. + + Ah! but that's not quite good enough, G. + Just now what we want's a clear winner. + Our new string of cracks numbers three; + There's _Tithe_ (who's a timid beginner), + _Land Purchase_, a nailer, and this, your pet nag. + The question is, which is the best of the bag? + + _Land Purchase_, now, comes of sound stock + (By _Tenant-Right_ out of _Coercion_), + And then I've such faith in his Jock! + Nay, RITCHIE, I mean no aspersion. + You ride very nicely indeed for a "pup;" + But BALFOUR! All's right when the cry's "ARTHUR'S Up!" + +JOCKEY. + + Oh! he's a fair scorcher, a brick, + With the long legs--and luck--of the "Tinman." + But when of the mounts you've the pick, + It's hard if you can't score a win, man. + You stick me on _Land Purchase_, guv'nor, and see + If the "pup," as you call him, ain't in the first three! + +OWNER. + + Ah, there it is, GOSCHEN, you know; + That justifies what I was saying. + I fancy this animal's slow, + Not sure that his specialty's staying. + I think, if we value our Stable--and tin-- + That we should declare with _Land Purchase_ to win. + + [_Left discussing it._ + + * * * * * + +DERBY DISAPPOINTMENTS. + +To go to Epsom with a view to a day's enjoyment. + +To imagine that there is any sport on the road down, and ditto +returning. + +To believe that a heavy lunch of lukewarm lobster salad and simmering +champagne can be taken with impunity. + +To fancy that one can get into a train bound for the Downs without +losing one's temper. + +To think that there is any fun in listening to the ribald songs of +street nigger minstrels and Shoreditch gipsies. + +To expect that, after taking part in half a dozen drag sweeps, any one +of them will turn up trumps. + +To presume that you will neither be choked with dust nor drenched with +rain before you get home. + +Lastly, to back the Winner for L10,000, payable by the Bank of +England, to draw the right number at all the West-End Clubs to which +you belong, becoming in consequence betrothed to the only and lovely +daughter of a millionnaire Duke, and then (on waking) to find it all a +dream! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "DOUBTFUL!" + +LORD SALISBURY (_to Trainer_). "H'M!--DON'T QUITE LIKE THE LOOK OF +HIM. BETTER DECLARE TO WIN WITH _LAND PURCHASE_!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A WARNING IN WAX. + +WHAT THE STATUE LOOKED LIKE WHEN IT LEFT THE SCULPTOR'S HAND FOR +EXHIBITION. + +ITS APPEARANCE WHEN THE BRITISH PUBLIC HAD ASCERTAINED, BY EXPERIMENT, +THAT IT REALLY WAS IN WAX.] + + * * * * * + +THE BALLAD OF THE EARL'S BREEKS. + + "I am wearing a pair of Co-operative trousers."--_Lord + Rosebery, at Congress of Delegates from the Co-operative + Societies of Great Britain and Ireland, meeting at Glasgow._ + + TALK of Dual Garmenture! Here's a picture, to be sure, + That a pleasanter, more potent lesson teaches. + Croakers given to foolish fright might take courage at the sight + Of Lord ROSEBERY'S Co-operative Breeches! + For our Earl's a canny chief, and the timidest must feel + That by what he advocates no sort of hurt is meant; + And if anybody wants true co-operative pants, + He'll be glad to read Lord ROSEBERY'S advertisement. + Co-operation now frightens very few, I trow, + (Who wear trousers); but a few years earlier? Bless us! + Such breeks would have been bogies to a lot of frightened fogies, + They would just as soon have donned the shirt of Nessus. + Now an Earl to Glasgow goes, 'midst the men once thought our foes, + And about Co-operation learns--and also teaches; + And receives with genial glee from the Tweed Society + A pair of Tweed Co-operative Breeches! + Why eighty-six per cent. (at Clackmannan) are intent, + (Nearly nine-tenths of all its population), + In a fashion fair as stout, upon fully working out + The principles of true Co-operation. + Yet there are no earthquakes there, and Lord ROSEBERY in the chair + At the Congress of Co-operative Delegates, + Talks in tones of hearty cheer, and the very thought of fear + To a Limbo Fatuorum calmly relegates. + Members One million men, with a capital of _Ten_, + And an annual sale of close on _Thirty Seven_! + Two millions more each year! Yes, it's truly pretty clear + That the State feels the co-operative leaven. + And though it is mere hum to see the Millennium, + Because Co-operators cheerfully co-operate, + Yet it _is_ a mighty movement, and our hopes of Earth's improvement + May rise with it, at a prudent and a proper rate. + Pooh! the pessimistic dreams of pragmatical Earl WEMYSS + May well excite this sager Earl's derision. + Forty Millions total profit! No, we are _not_ nearing Tophet, + Any more than we are touching realms Elysian. + Those on Co-Ops so sweet and shopkeepers need not treat + Each other like the cats of old Kilkenny, + From each other they might learn, live together and all turn, + With sagacity and skill, an honest penny. + There's no need for any gush, but "The Principle" will push + As Lord ROSEBERY foreshadows to high places; + And it was not all his fun when he hinted we might run + Our Empire on co-operative bases! + They who want to understand what is stirring in the land, + Should peruse PRIMROSE'S pithiest of speeches, + Meanwhile _Punch_ drinks good health to the "Labourer's Commonwealth," + And long wear to those Co-operative Breeches! + + * * * * * + +WEEK BY WEEK. + +_Monday._--Preparing for the Derby. Mr. STANLEY goes out of his way to +meet Lord SALISBURY. Lord SALISBURY goes out of Mr. H. M. S's. way. + +_Tuesday._--More preparations for Derby. + +_Wednesday._--The Derby. _Mr. Punch_ out for the day. Party at Foreign +Office to meet Mr. STANLEY unavoidably postponed. + +_Thursday._--Trying to recover from Derby Day. + +_Friday._--Private Eclipse of the Sun. For tickets to view, inquire +at Timekeeper's Office, Charing Cross. Only a limited number will be +issued. + +_Saturday._--Lord SALISBURY'S first dance to meet Mr. STANLEY. + + * * * * * + +SOCIAL festivities which were much disturbed by the Whitsuntide +holidays, have now been resumed in all their splendour. The Mile +End Athenaeum yesterday held their annual reception in the palatial +institution designed for the accommodation of the intellectual +_elite_ of the district. The rooms were crowded from an early hour. +Proceedings began with an address on "The AEsthetic Position of Mile +End," delivered by the President. This was followed by some graceful +step-dancing, executed by two stars from the neighbouring Hall +of Variety. Later on the guests, having, as is usual, exchanged +over-coats, and tossed with the Club halfpenny for umbrellas, +separated to their homes. + + * * * * * + +Lady CLEMENTINA CROPPER has issued cards for a musical evening at +which all the most eminent performers are expected. The Whistling +Quintette and the Whispering Choir have been engaged. Her Ladyship's +parties are famous for the animation and brilliancy of their +conversation. + + * * * * * + +It is understood that the Stewards of the Jockey Club at their last +meeting resolved to suppress the use of all strong language on Derby +Day. Any owner discovered in the act of saying "blow" will be confined +to barracks for a fortnight. Anything more violent will involve +perpetual suspension, with the loss of all the privileges of a British +Citizen. Any jockey denouncing his neighbour's eyes will be converted +into an automatic toffee-distributor. If he repeats the offence, he +will be forbidden to vote at the next County Council Election. These +salutary regulations will be strictly enforced. + + * * * * * + +The Railway Companies anticipate no difficulty in conveying visitors +to Epsom within two hours of the time fixed for their arrival. Much +interest attaches to some novel experiments in shunting, which are +to be carried out between Epsom and London to-day. The point is to +discover whether an excursion train loaded with passengers at the +rate of thirty to a carriage designed for eight, can be shunted into +a siding so as to clear an express moving at a constant velocity of +fifty miles an hour, drinks included. The pace of the excursion train +may be neglected in the solution of the problem. + + * * * * * + +"I have never understood," says a Correspondent, who signs himself +"PUZZLED," "why a dog should always use his left hind-leg for the +purpose of scratching his left ear, and _vice versa_ his right leg for +his right ear. Can any of your readers enlighten me?" + + * * * * * + +GROSVENOR GEMS. (SECOND VISIT.) + +[Illustration: No. 180. Littler and Littler.] + +[Illustration: No. 36. W. Qrious Jaundiceson, R.A.] + +[Illustration: No. 140. "Mr. Stanley, I presume?"] + +[Illustration: No. 102. Marvellous Acrobatic Feat.] + +[Illustration: No. 109. The Dairy Maid and the Butteries.] + + * * * * * + +EXCHELSIOR! + +TOLD that I can "assist the progress of Military Science" if I go up +in a "War Balloon" at Chelsea. Don't know anything about ballooning, +but do want to assist Military Science. + +Arrive at Chelsea Exhibition Grounds. See the Balloon being inflated. +Disappointed, as a "War Balloon" seems to be exactly the same as a +Peace Balloon. Expected it to be armour-plated, or fitted with aerial +torpedoes, or something of that sort. Ask Professional Aeronaut if I +mayn't take a bomb up with me, and drop it, as practice for war time? +Aeronaut scowls fiercely. Asks, "If I want to blow the Balloon to +smithereens?" Also asks, "If I have any bombs about me now?" Looks as +if he would like to search me! Drop the subject--not the bomb. Still, +I _should_ like to know how I can "assist Military Science." Take my +place in car nervously. + +Somebody shouts, "Let go!" What an extraordinary sensation! Feel as if +I had suddenly left digestive portion of my anatomy a mile below me. +Have felt same sort of thing in crossing Channel. Look over edge +of car. Appalling! Wish I hadn't been such a fool as to come. Ask +Professional Aeronaut, "What would happen if a rope broke now?" +He replies, sulkily, "your neck would break too." Not comforting. +Question is--How long will this last without my being sea-sick? + +Also, How am I "assisting progress of Military Science?" Balloon +calmer, and _not_ wobbling, thank Heaven! Begin to enjoy the view. How +beastly cold it is up here, though! Passing over St. Paul's--suggest +to fellow passenger that with a bomb, or better still a pistol, one +could "pot" the Dome. Passenger (funny man) says, "Why not try a +para_shoot_?" I laugh heartily, and nearly fall over side. Aeronaut, +roughly, "wishes to goodness I'd keep still." _I_ wish to goodness +he'd make the Balloon keep still--don't say this, however. + +Somewhere over Essex. See distant sea. Aeronaut says, "There's no end +of a wind springing up." Heavens! Believe we are drifting out to +sea! But I didn't want to "assist progress of _Naval_ Science"--only +"Military." Tell Aeronaut this. He says, he's "just going down." Talks +as if he were "going down" to breakfast--after "getting up," as we +have done! Rather a good joke for mid-air. But is it mid-air? We are +descending rapidly. Digestion this time left up in clouds. Tearing +along over fields. Balloon pitching and tossing violently. Grapnel +thrown out. Catches a cow. Cow runs with us. Idiot! Why can't it stand +steady? + +Awful crash! Bump, bang, whack! Balloon explodes with fearful report. +Yet no reporters present! Remember nothing more. Wake up, and find +myself in Hospital of an Essex town. Query--Have I, or have I not, +"assisted the progress of Military Science?" + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_The Marsh King's Daughter._ One of WARNE & CO.'S publications for +children's amusement, but the illustrations by JESSIE CURRIE are +too highly curried, or rather coloured, and the effect is hard and +theatrical. By the way, Miss CURRIE'S genius is a trifle wilful; +for example, take this situation, which she has chosen to +illustrate,--"She ... pointed to a horse. He mounted upon it, and she +sprang before him, and held tightly by the mane." Now, asks the Baron, +taking for granted the "sprang" is for "sprang up," how would ordinary +talent depict this scene? Why, certainly, by showing the girl mounted +on the horse, holding on by the mane in front of the man, and the man +up behind. Not so Miss CURRIE. She puts the good man--apparently +an Amateur Monk--astride the horse, and she riding behind, holding +lightly as it appears, with one hand the broad red crupper, and, with +the other, probably, some portion of the Amateur Monk's dressing-gown. +But genius must not be fettered. + +_AEsop Redivivus_ is delightful, if only for the reappearance of the +quaint old woodcuts--some of which, however, the Baron is of opinion, +never belonged to the original edition--yet, with a polite bow to +MARY BOYLE, he would venture to observe that, in his opinion, the +revivification is an excellent idea rather thrown away. Whether it +would have been better for more or less Boyleing, he is not absolutely +certain, but perhaps the notion required a somewhat different +treatment. The best of the fables is _The Sly Stag_, which, according +to the woodcut, ought to have been a goat. But there may be some +subtle humour in the frequent incongruity between a fable and its +pictorial illustration. + +THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +GRANDOLPH VICTORIOUS.--Rather fresh Easterly-windy weather for racing, +last week; glad, therefore, to hear that GRANDOLPH "had a lot on." His +_Abbesse de Jouarre_ was not to be stopped by any _Father Confessor_, +and came in first. What will he name his next probable starter? _John +Wesley_? + + * * * * * + +RECENT letters to _The Times_ represent Tangiers to English tourists +as the most Tangierble point for a holiday trip. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MINE OF INFORMATION. + +"WHAT'S A CENTAUR, PAPA?" + +"A CENTAUR, MY CHILD, IS A FABULOUS CREATURE, NOW _EXTINCT!_"] + + * * * * * + +MORE ABOUT TALLEYRAND. + +_To the Editor of "Punch."_ + +DEAR SIR,--You have on many occasions honoured me by inserting my +contributions, and consequently it is to you I turn in the present +difficulty. A few days since an appeal was made in the columns of one +of your contemporaries which it is hard to resist. + +_A propos_ of the Talleyrand Autobiography a gentleman, who had given +some extracts therefrom, wrote--"What I have quoted shows the charm +and interest of the work, but does not discount its publication; +and this, I hope, will be enough to enforce on the custodians of the +Memoirs the obligation of reflection before continuing to suppress +and to frustrate the legitimate curiosity of the public." I have +reflected, and, without making any admission, I submit that possibly +the following passages may attain the end which the gentleman in +question seemingly suggests. + +When TALLEYRAND, in 1801, was at Amiens, assisting JOSEPH BONAPARTE +in conducting negotiations with Lord CORNWALLIS for the final +ratification of peace, he had an interview with the representative of +England. I give a translation from a paper in my possession:-- + + "It was already the everlasting opposition of maritime and + manufacturing towns that prevented this consummation. + When Milor (CORNWALLIS?) observed, with insular bluntness + (_bonhomie_), 'The outcome will be a new throne (_encore + une chaise bien decore_) for J. B.' I replied, 'This will + certainly not be to the advantage of Son Altesse JOSEPH (_pas + pour Jose_).'" + +Does not this read as if written yesterday? Five years later +TALLEYRAND entered into a direct communication with Fox by letter, and +this led to a personal interview with Lord YARMOUTH. I make a second +quotation:-- + + "I told Mister-for-laughter (_esquire pour rire_) that there + would be no difficulty in restoring to England Hanover, + which was then in possession of Prussia. The Englishman + (_l'Anglais_), who had been imbibing some generous wine (_vin + ordinaire a dix sous_), stammered out that he considered the + suggestion piscatorial. 'Milor,' I retorted, with a polite + bow, 'to a YARMOUTH accustomed to bloaters all things must + appear fishy!'" + +Considering TALLEYRAND'S flexible mind, and the ease with which he +resigned himself to blunders when they did not seem to him dangerous, +this judgment, expressed with surprising emphasis, is the most +striking condemnation which can be passed on the tone adopted by the +British negotiator. With rare skill TALLEYRAND avoids the dryness +usual to memoirs of a personal character. As an instance of this, +I give a description of the desertion by the wily diplomatist of +NAPOLEON in 1814, when the Emperor had consented to retire to +Elba. That this passage may have additional force, I give it in the +original, possibly very original, French:-- + + "Je n'aime pas lui. Je pensais de cet homme qu'il etait un + espece de polichinelle (_a quaint sort of puppet_), qu'il + n'etait pas la valeur de son sel (_not the value of his + salt_), et voila la raison pourquoi je lui vende (_why I + offered him for sale_). Il n'a pu supporter la bienfaisance + avec satisfaction, ni les choses bien desagreables avec + complaisance." + +"He could not bear the things that were disagreeable with +complacency." Volumes might be written on that phrase, which at this +moment, if we look around us, suggests numerous parallel instances. +I have heard a man growl when a plate of soup has been poured by a +careless waiter on his dress waistcoat, I have noticed a lady frown +when I have myself accidentally torn her train from its body, by +treading upon it at an evening party. TALLEYRAND knew NAPOLEON--"He +could not bear the things that were disagreeable with complacency!" +And yet BONAPARTE is sometimes called "_Le Grand_!" (The Great!) + +Here I pause, as I feel that I may have already gone too far. It is +not for me to say how the document from which I have quoted, came into +my possession. But before I satisfy the legitimate curiosity of the +public further, I consider it my professional duty to consult the Bar +Committee, the Council of the Incorporated Law Society, the President +of the Probate, Divorce, and Admiralty Division of the High Court of +Justice, and the LORD CHANCELLOR, many of whom are unfortunately still +absent, enjoying the Whitsuntide Vacation. I have the honour to be, +dear Sir, + +Your most obedient Servant, + + (_Signed_) A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. + + _Pump-handle Court, June 2nd, 1890._ + + * * * * * + +A NOVEL WITH A PURPOSE. + + DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +How a few hundred pounds may be easily and honestly earned is a +problem which daily exercises the imaginations of thousands. I was +fortunate enough to hit upon a plan which I now feel it to be my duty +to make as widely known as possible for the benefit of those whose +need is greater than mine; for, curiously enough, not only did my +work bring me in that direct emolument, upon which I not unwarrantably +reckoned, but an elderly lady of unstable views was so taken with +the chaotic benevolence of my book, that she bequeathed to me a very +handsome legacy indeed, and almost immediately enabled me to realise +it. Thus does the absolutely unexpected serve as the handmaid of the +perfectly unintended, and enterprise retires from the lodgings of +struggle to the villa of repose. My plan briefly was to write a +quasi-religious Novel with a Purpose. I knew nothing about religion, +and had no literary experience, but the purpose I had, and that +purpose was, to make enough money to spend six weeks at Herne Bay, a +locality to which I am passionately addicted. + +A brief sketch of my proceedings will be the best explanation and +guide to others. I first bought a sixpenny scrap-album, a pot of +paste, and a pair of strong scissors; and a shillingsworth of penny +novelettes of various kinds and dates, and a shillingsworth of cheap +manuscript-paper completed my outlay. I then took the goods home and +got to work. Glancing through the pile of novelettes, I soon found an +opening that struck me as most suitable, cut it out, and pasted it in +the scrap-book. Now came the chief literary exercise of my task. I had +to go carefully through the passage, changing the names of the places +and people, and making a few necessary substitutions, _e.g._, +"The cuckoo was calling, and the dove cooing from the neighbouring +woodland," would stand in my version "The cuckoo was cuckooing, and +the dove calling from the adjacent thicket," while a sky described +as "azure" in the original, would figure as "lapis lazuli," or, even +blue. + +The introduction safely engineered, I took another novelette from the +pile, and holding it firmly in the left hand, I grasped the scissors +with the thumb and forefinger of the right, cut three or four extracts +at random, of rather more than half a column in length, and pasted +these in the album, leaving about space enough for a couple of pages +of three-volume novel, between each section. + +Thus I dealt with my twelve novelettes, and then went through them +again, and even again. Then the hard work began. I had to draw up +a list of names of my own, and then to go carefully through the +extracts, assigning the speeches to the best of my ability to the +most suitable of my own characters. This, however, was infinitely +less trouble than inventing dialogue, a process for which I always +entertained an insuperable aversion. I was also confronted at times by +adventures in my extracts which were quite unsuited for the novel with +a purpose, which, according to the justest canons, should never get +beyond a sprained ankle; and even that has to be handled with the +greatest discretion--generally by the wavering curate. So I had in +several places to tone down precipices, stay the inflowing tide with +more success than King CANUTE, and stop runaway horses before they had +excited alarm in their fair riders, or brought the discarded lover out +into the road, saying in a tone of quiet command, "Stop! This cannot +be allowed to go any farther." + +Next, through the kindness of a friend, who was a householder, I +procured a reading ticket for the British Museum Library, and from the +writings of HERBERT SPENCER, HUXLEY, EMERSON, MATTHEW ARNOLD, +RUSKIN, Dr. MOMERIE, and Mr. WALTER PATER, and largely from the +more pretentious Reviews and Magazines, I made copious and tolerably +bewildering extracts, which I apportioned among the vacant spaces in +my story, with more regard to the length than to the circumstances. I +next went carefully over the whole, writing in a line here and there +to make things smooth and pleasant, and artfully acknowledging the +quotations in an incidental manner. The result was a surprisingly +interesting and suggestive work, and when I had copied it all out in a +fair, clerkly hand, I found no difficulty in disposing of it, to good +advantage, to a publisher of repute. The book caught on immensely. +I became for one dazzling season a second-rate lion of the first +magnitude. I was pointed out by literary celebrities whom nobody +knew, to social recruits who knew nobody. I figured prominently in +the Saloons of the Mutual-exploitation Societies, and when my name +appeared in the minor Society papers among those present at Mrs. OPHIR +CROWDY'S reception, I felt what it was to be famous--and to remain +unspoiled. + +A word of advice to those who will act upon my suggestions. Pitch your +story in the calm domestic key, upon which the depths and obscurities +of essayists, philosophers and divines, will come with pleasing +incongruity. Thus:-- + +CHAPTER I. + +"An English Summer day; old _Ponto_ has been lying in the shade of the +great elm at the Rectory Gate, too lazy to make even a vigorous snap +at the flies, who are circling with mazy persistency round his great, +good-humoured head. At the sound of wheels coming along the road, he +pricks up his ears, and moves aside just in time to avoid being run +over by the chaise from the Hall." Then the rattle of teacups, and +the merry voices of tennis-players are interrupted by the barking of +_Ponto_, and the incident of the tramp, lectured by the Rector, and +relieved by LIONEL, the philanthropic Atheist. + +"'I love the Human, I resent the Divine!' said LIONEL, carefully +shutting his purse. + +"'Why, really,' began the Rector, 'I don't know what I have done to +incur your resentment.' + +"'Pardon me, Sir,' said LIONEL, grimly. 'I am speaking of the Divine +with a big _D_.' + +"'We never use a big, big _D_,' laughed NETTIE, gaily shaking her +curls. + +"'Hush!' said MABEL, raising a warning finger at her little +rattle-brain." + +After this sally you may give two or three pages of discussion, +letting the Rector have a good show with some of the Fathers, while +NETTIE and LIONEL reconstruct things, human and divine, in the +gloaming. You may carry your party to town in the season, and +tantalise your frivolous readers by taking them just up to the +Duchess's door. "Here LIONEL and Mr. CRUMPETTER left the ladies, as +they had some important business in hand, promising to return for +them at six o'clock. They had to go to an architect's office in Great +George Street, to inspect the plans of the new Laundry, which LIONEL +had persuaded the Earl to erect on the waste ground where he had had +his memorable conversation with the tinker." + +This plan might advantageously be applied to the fashionable, the +military, the sporting, and the adventurous novel. Indeed, most +writers seem to think that it has been. Meanwhile, nobody need +starve while they can turn their scissors to intelligent use. Yours +obediently, + + THE RETIRED CLIPPER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SKETCH AT A CONCERT. + +VARIATIONS ON THE ORIGINAL HAIR.] + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +JOURNALISTIC REPORTING. + +"_Applause in court, which was instantly suppressed_;" _i.e._, Some +foolish people made a noise at the wrong moment, and applauded the +wrong person. + +"_The case excited the greatest interest, and from an early hour in +the morning the approaches to the court were thronged by a vast press +of individuals, representing a large proportion of the rank, fashion, +and intellect of the Metropolis_;" _i.e._, A crowd of loafers and +London busy-bodies came to hear an offensive trial. + +A LITTLE MUSIC. + +"_Well, I just put a song or two in my pocket, on the off-chance, you +know_;" _i.e._, "I've half-a-dozen, but he's so jealous he'll take +precious good care I shan't sing 'em all." + +PRIVATE THEATRICALS. + +"_No, my dear old chap, you_ must _play the Baron. You see, +anybody, why I myself, can rattle through the Count. Plays itself, +don'tcherknow. But the Baron,_ that _wants an Actor. No, no, you must +play the Baron_;" _i.e._, "_He_ play the Count, at his age, and with +his figure, and cut me out of my favourite part! Put a spoke in _that_ +wheel." + +"With _a song! Oh, but_ is _my voice good enough to go with Miss +Seetop's?_" _i.e._, "Scraggy screamer; she'd spoil SIMS REEVES at his +best." + +"_What I'm anxious about is the love-scene. You see I'm hardly up to +the Romeo role_;" _i.e._, "With _such a Juliet_!" + + * * * * * + +--> NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + +Transcriber's Note + +page 267: 'pudent' (sic) retained ... possibly adjective from noun: +pudency, n. Modesty. (f. LL pudentia) (Oxford Dictionary) + +or, + +from Latin Dictionary: Pudens, pudentis, modest; bashful. Pudenter, +modestly, bashfully. + +"To pose as SCIPIO, that pudent Roman," + +page. 270: 'millionnaire', the French spelling of 'millionaire', has been +retained. + + +Errata: + +page 268: 'Brition' corrected to "Briton". "But the Briton hugs his +tankard," + +page 268: 'responbilities' corrected to 'responsibilities' "when the +Companies began really to understand their responsibilities" + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 98 +June 7, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 33292.txt or 33292.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/3/2/9/33292/ + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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