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diff --git a/33285.txt b/33285.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..470f944 --- /dev/null +++ b/33285.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7154 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Her Royal Highness Woman, by Max O'Rell + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Her Royal Highness Woman + +Author: Max O'Rell + +Release Date: July 28, 2010 [EBook #33285] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HER ROYAL HIGHNESS WOMAN *** + + + + +Produced by Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive) + + + + + + +ALSO BY MAX O'RELL + +Crown 8vo., cloth, 3s. 6d. + +BETWEEN OURSELVES + + +'He deserves to be a favourite. His genial familiarity is its own +passport; he entertains you to a peripatetic feast of humour and good +advice.... In short, he is good company, meet him where you will.... +Open his new book, "Between Ourselves," at random, and you will find +upon every page something shrewd, reflective, and good-natured. Half +the petty problems that go to make up life are here discussed with ease +and witty garrulity.... Beneath the mask of Max O'Rell's witticism +there is an honest face of experience and common-sense. He even helps +the thoughtless to think a little for himself!'--_Daily Chronicle._ + +'Truly, Max is a pleasant companion.'--_Morning Leader._ + +'Max O'Rell is always bright, and he is a pretty keen critic of life. +His book is full of good things, and will be read with profit, even if +in nothing but amusement.'--_Daily Telegraph._ + +'Everybody must read Max O'Rell's latest, "Between Ourselves." He has +so many wise things to say about many things, and such an irresistibly +charming way of saying them all, that it is difficult to put down this +latest offspring of his.'--_Black and White._ + +'The keen observation, genial wit, and engaging frankness which combine +to render Max O'Rell one of the most acceptable of social philosophers +have been given an unusually wide field of exercise in the diverting +pages of "Between Ourselves," wherein "some of the little problems of +life"--in point of fact, a good many of them--are discussed with +characteristic humour and point in the author's familiar and always +entertaining style.... Invariably amusing.'--_World._ + +'One of the most entertaining volumes one could wish to read.... The +book is full of witty and brilliant sayings, so much so that many of +his quaint and pleasant assertions are likely to pass into proverbs.... +Always interesting and amusing, sometimes satirical, and never dull, +the author tells us much that the thoughtful may ponder with +advantage.'--_Birmingham Post._ + +'Extremely readable.... The little chapters are morsels of crisp +common-sense, flavoured with light cynicism, and free from +sermonizing.'--_Daily Mail._ + +'"Some of the little problems of life" discussed with all the airy +lightness to which we are accustomed from the author, and seasoned by +his usual undeniable truth.'--_Chic._ + +'Max O'Rell's philosophy has a gay winsomeness all its own. The joy of +living, the beauty of the world, the delights of unselfishness, these +are the themes upon which Max O'Rell, delicious satirist and 'cutest of +observers, discourses. Penetrative sagacity and merry irresponsibility +mingle in a frolicsome way.'--_Literary World._ + +'It is perhaps not quite up to the high level of "Her Royal Highness +Woman," but will please the large public which delights, with reason, +in all that comes from the pen of Max O'Rell.... On his own ground, in +chaffing the people of this country on their weak points, he is +inimitable.'--_Athenaeum._ + +'A worthy addition to an already long list.... Altogether, the reader +will find in "Between Ourselves" abundant entertainment, together with +not a little practical wisdom.'--_Daily News._ + +'Expressed in Max O'Rell's witty and entertaining way. One great merit +of the book is that you can open it at any chance page and make sure of +getting amusement.... He is a close observer of human nature, and has a +witty and trenchant way of expressing himself.'--_Queen._ + +'There is cheery optimism in every line, and to tired, weary souls it +comes as something of a tonic.'--_Military Mail._ + +'Witty, amusing, and even instructive.... Few men observe with such +keenness, describe with such fidelity, and write with such sustained +good humour as Max O'Rell. He is a capital exponent of that light, +epigrammatic, and witty style which is essentially Gallic. The book can +be heartily recommended to those who enjoy that sort of literature, and +they are legion.'--_Empire._ + +'Bright, breezy, and entertaining, as usual.'--_To-day._ + +'Open the book where you will, something pleasant and readable will be +found.'--_Glasgow Herald._ + +'Shrewd, humorous talk.... These entertaining pages.... Well, there is +the book, with a red girl on its green cover, and a deal of pleasant +beckoning in its many chapters and myriad paragraphs.'--_Academy._ + +'This delightfully entertaining volume.... There are few types of men +and women, few phases of life and character, which escape his shrewd +perception, and of everyone he gossips in the airiest, wittiest +fashion.... "Between Ourselves" is charming.'--_Lady's Pictorial._ + +'Max O'Rell is a true humourist, a clever satirist, and an entirely +human man.... This last work is certain to be as popular as "Her Royal +Highness Woman."'--_Western Mail._ + +'There is a large amount of wisdom in its pages and much +amusement.'--_Week's Survey._ + + +LONDON: CHATTO & WINDUS, 111 ST. MARTIN'S LANE, W.C. + + + + +ALSO BY MAX O'RELL + +Crown 8vo., cloth, 3s. 6d. + +RAMBLES IN WOMANLAND + + +'Max O'Rell has in this volume given us another entertaining and +delightful dissertation upon woman and her kind. What Max O'Rell does +not know about the sex to which he has not the honour to belong is +hardly worth knowing.'--_St. James's Gazette._ + +'It is too late in the day to dwell upon the features of style which +render the work of Max O'Rell such easy and agreeable reading, and it +is unnecessary to illustrate his pretty gift of phrase-making. He has +gained his own place among popular authors, and offers no sign of +vacating it.'--_Pall Mall Gazette._ + +'We hardly know whether to recommend the book to our readers or not. +They will not put it down, once begun--that is certain.'--_Spectator._ + +'Max O'Rell, in his new book, expresses in his own peculiar and +entertaining way many witty, satirical, and humorous ideas on the +subject of the "eternal woman."'--_Daily Express._ + +'Max O'Rell is always entertaining, and provokes friendly discussion as +readily as any writer I know. His new book contains many aphorisms, and +some of them are very good.'--_British Weekly._ + +'Max O'Rell supplies, not for the first time, a delightful mixture of +commonplace and common-sense.'--_Daily Chronicle._ + +'We have no doubt a great many people will enjoy the book, and the +enjoyment will be innocent and wholesome.'--_Academy._ + +'Max O'Rell's chaff is excellent, and all in perfect good +taste.'--_Pelican._ + +'The genial author takes up the cudgels on behalf of the better-looking +sex in a way which should make his book tremendously popular with lady +readers--especially the married ones.... A very entertaining +book.'--_Golden Penny._ + +'Contains some delightful reading.... It is a book happy in idea, +felicitous in expression, cynically frank and refreshing in its +candour.'--_Gossip._ + +'Another collection of amusing and epigrammatic essays.... Max O'Rell, +as everyone knows, has the gift of discoursing fluently and amusingly +on any subject on which he touches, and to English and American people +his good humoured criticisms are particularly valuable, as they are not +only sound and sane in themselves, but they are written from an outside +standpoint.'--_Morning Leader._ + +'Women will not feel sorry that Max O'Rell's last work should be his +new book on the fair sex. For many a year he has helped us with his +gentle raillery, cheered us with his bright humour, and taught us much. +"Rambles in Womanland" contains many little personal reminiscences and +revelations, and its author's wit is undimmed. The book is full of +epigrams, bons mots, and piquant criticisms.'--_Gentlewoman._ + +'Max O'Rell's last book will add to the regret that his genial pen will +write no more. Usually there is a tone of gaiety in what he says, but +at all times he discusses important problems with all seriousness, and +with not a little of the wisdom with which a wide knowledge of the +world had endowed him. Max O'Rell's writings have always been notable +for witty epigrammatic sentences.... His last work is a bright and +engaging book.'--_Daily Telegraph._ + +'With a pretty wit and a turn for epigram this writer can scarcely be +dull, and no one will turn to one or other of these chatty chapters +without being pleasantly entertained.'--_Scotsman._ + +'Liveliness, amiability, charm, honourable sentiment, humour, every +quality that the best kind of French culture produces, are open to +anyone who can read English in the pages of Max O'Rell. Every page of +these "Rambles" is sprinkled over with aphorisms.... This most +entertaining book.'--_Vanity Fair._ + +'There is much that is entertaining in these short pithy comments on +women's characteristics, and occasionally criticism that penetrates +deep beneath the surface, and reveals a vast amount of observation and +knowledge of the world.... The book is full of smart sayings and clever +aphorisms.'--_Publishers' Circular._ + +'Whatever his theme, he is always bright, and the coruscations of his +wit are exceedingly diverting.... This last contribution is full of +good things, placed in an amusing setting.... These are but a few +maxims culled from a crowded garden.... This wonderful little +volume.'--_Echo._ + +'"Rambles in Womanland" has between its covers much wisdom, served up +with a pretty garnish of wit and that wholesome sauce--common-sense. +Indeed, Max O'Rell has written nothing better than--in fact, nothing so +good as--"Rambles in Womanland." Here we have his riper wisdom, his +fuller experience; but while he has gained in wisdom or experience, he +has not lost his spiciness or his power of brief, terse +epigram.'--_Black and White._ + +'Full of sparkling common-sense.'--_T. P.'s Weekly._ + +'There is enough fresh material to commend these "Rambles in Womanland" +to those who have enjoyed rambling through the author's entertaining +writings.'--_Morning Post._ + + +LONDON: CHATTO & WINDUS, 111 ST. MARTIN'S LANE, W.C. + + + + +HER ROYAL HIGHNESS WOMAN + + +OPINIONS OF THE PRESS ON HER ROYAL HIGHNESS WOMAN + + +'A delightfully amusing companion.... Max O'Rell is a keen observer, +has genuine humour, and as a writer he is very amusing, because he +refuses to take anything seriously.'--_Punch._ + +'In "Her Royal Highness Woman" Max O'Rell is, as you might expect, at +his best and brightest.'--_Truth._ + +'It is, indeed, an amusing volume.... Most of what he says about woman +is true enough, and wittily expressed.'--_Times._ + +'The only Max has given us a treat in this book of selections from his +best and most interesting sketches. His quaint, subtle humour seasons +the light reading to a nicety, and we have not been provided with such +neat comedy for some long time.'--_Northern Weekly._ + +'Wise and witty.'--_To-day._ + +'Max O'Rell has never written anything better.'--_Morning Post._ + +'The book is so tactful that it ought to insure Max O'Rell a still +greater popularity than he already enjoys.... It is a wholesome book +for both husbands and wives to read.... It is as full as ever of the +author's contagious good spirits and merry wit.... The whole 250 pages +... reads like the best of after-dinner speeches.'--_Queen._ + +'Max O'Rell is talking very pleasantly, scattering seeds of wisdom in +the sun. It is well that the book should be as superficially wise and +witty as we find it.'--_Academy._ + +'Have you read "Her Royal Highness Woman"? If not, you have something +still to live for.'--_Western Mercury._ + +'This delightful volume, we have no hesitation in saying it, will teach +each class "how to be happy though married."... A remarkably fresh and +personal study of the "eternal feminine."'--_Birmingham Post._ + +'Never has Max O'Rell been more delightful than in his new +book--delightful in his sense and in his nonsense, though Max O'Rell's +nonsense has so much of sound reason in it that it is often worth more +than other folks' solemnity.... It is good from the first taste to the +finish.'--_Weekly Dispatch._ + +'A book which "Her Royal Highness" should by all means +read.'--_Outlook._ + +'What Max O'Rell knows not about women you may depend she does not know +herself. It is a pleasure to find a book to which one can give such +unstinted praise.'--_Books of To-day._ + +'The book teems with brilliant passages and witty sayings, all of them +full of good sense and wisdom.... Altogether, this is a delightful book +to dip into.'--_Court Circular._ + +'He is witty and humorous, with a genial wisdom which is not seldom +epigrammatic. His playfulness is delightful.'--_Leeds Mercury._ + +'Woman, the problem of the ages, is an open book to Max O'Rell.... +What Max O'Rell knows not, in his cheery French way, is not +knowledge.'--_St. James's Gazette._ + +'A witty and laughable collection of good things in favour of +matrimony.... Full of matter for readers who can enjoy a good +laugh.'--_Scotsman._ + +'The fearlessness of the genial author of "John Bull and his Island" is +as well known and liked as his wit; and both of them are pleasantly +exemplified in his latest and most broadly universal book.'--_Pall +Mall Gazette._ + +'Always entertaining, often epigrammatic, not seldom instructive, Max +O'Rell's studies form a volume destined, beyond a doubt, to figure +largely as the topic of drawing-room conversation throughout the coming +season.'--_Literary World._ + +'Mr. Max O'Rell is always amusing, and sometimes almost instructive.... +He is nothing if not a diplomatist, but he is something more--he is the +keenest of observers.'--_Lady's Pictorial._ + +'A handbook to matrimony. In his witty and wise remarks Max O'Rell +deserves a prominent place among his compatriots in the study of +women.... A bright and amusing book, with a good deal of common-sense +in it.'--_Daily Telegraph._ + +'Max O'Rell has written many excellent books, but never a better than +"Her Royal Highness Woman."'--_Athenaeum._ + +'Delicious. I wish I had space to find out a few other plums from Max +O'Rell's amusing study ... shrewd and true.'--_Free Lance._ + +'Should be in the hands of every woman.'--_Le Temps._ + +'Humorous and amusing--yes; but withal one of the most complete and +profound studies ever published on woman and love.'--_La Republique._ + + +LONDON: CHATTO & WINDUS, 111, ST. MARTIN'S LANE, W.C. + + + + +HER ROYAL HIGHNESS + +WOMAN + + + +By + +MAX O'RELL + +AUTHOR OF +'JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND,' 'JONATHAN AND HIS CONTINENT,' +'WOMAN AND ARTIST,' ETC. + + + +FIFTEENTH THOUSAND + +LONDON +CHATTO & WINDUS +1903 + + + + +I DEDICATE + +THIS VOLUME + +TO + +'THE NICEST LITTLE WOMAN IN THE WORLD' + +(CHAPTER XXXI.) + + + + +PREFACE + + +'MONSIEUR, MADAME, ET BEBE,' that most delightful, untranslatable book +of the late Gustave Droz, by its genial and humorous philosophy and its +pretty pictures of matrimonial life, by its healthy teachings and its +piquant, poetic illustrations, has taught to thousands of French people +how to make their married lives happier and more cheerful. + +This unpretentious little volume of mine, which appears simultaneously +in Paris, London, and New York, will not have been written in vain if +it causes one married couple in each of the three great countries where +it is published to study and understand each other better. + +I dedicate it to married men and women, and to young men and women +contemplating matrimony--a large public indeed. + +MAX O'RELL. + +P.S.--Did I hear you ask whether I have been married? + +Oh yes, that's all right. + +M. O'R + +_April, 1901._ + + + + +CONTENTS + + + PAGE + +CHAPTER I + +THE ETERNAL FEMININE + +What do we know about women?--Generalities on the subject--I am +requested to speak on some subject I know something about 1 + +CHAPTER II + +WOMAN'S INFLUENCE FOR GOOD AND EVIL + +A woman at the beginning--The first love-story--Different +versions--'Cherchez la femme'--The influence of woman on national +characteristics 6 + +CHAPTER III + +MAXIMS FOR THE MAN IN LOVE + +How to deal with your girl--Avoid catching colds in your head-- +How women with humour can be saved 10 + +CHAPTER IV + +ADVICE TO THE MAN WHO WANTS TO MARRY + +What should attract him in matrimony--At what age should people +get married?--Be superior to your wife in everything 14 + +CHAPTER V + +ON THE SELECTION OF LIFE PARTNERS + +Be as careful in choosing your partners as you would in choosing +your ancestors--Count your change before entering, as mistakes +cannot be recognised afterwards 18 + +CHAPTER VI + +MAXIMS FOR THE MARRIED MAN + +Keep your wife in order--How to deal with her (confidential) 22 + +CHAPTER VII + +MAXIMS FOR THE MARRIED WOMAN + +A wife should follow and obey her husband, especially follow him +--Feed the brute 29 + +CHAPTER VIII + +THE GENTLE ART OF RULING A HUSBAND + +The rule of women over men is the survival of the fittest 33 + +CHAPTER IX + +ART IN LOVE + +Pleasure and happiness--_Love_ is the poetry of the senses--The +artistic temperament--The instrument and the instrumentalist--The +defence of monogamy on artistic principles--Polygamy _versus_ +monotony 38 + +CHAPTER X + +SORE TRIALS FOR PEOPLE IN LOVE--WILL LOVE TRIUMPH OVER THE AFFLICTIONS +OF THE BODY? + +A pathetic story--Could you whisper words of love through an +ear-trumpet?--The case presented on the stage--Take care of the +woman you love 43 + +CHAPTER XI + +MAN VERSUS WOMAN IN LOVE + +How many times can a man and a woman love?--They love differently +--A delicate question--'Lucky dog!'--The inexorability of the +virtuous woman 47 + +CHAPTER XII + +COURTING IN FRANCE AND ENGLAND + +Kneeling and sitting--The piquancy of French courting--The use of +the second person singular--The sealing kiss 51 + +CHAPTER XIII + +THE WOMAN-HATER + +Should a woman marry a woman-hater?--The portrait of a woman-hater +--The risk a woman runs in marrying a woman-lover--Take your chance, +don't cast your pearls before swine 55 + +CHAPTER XIV + +WHAT DO WOMEN ADMIRE MOST IN MEN? + +People generally admire in others the qualities they do not themselves +possess--The sexes differ in their opinions of infidelity and its +causes--The eleventh commandment: Never confess 59 + +CHAPTER XV + +CAN GRATITUDE ENGENDER LOVE? + +Expecting gratitude is asking for the price of a service--Love keeps +out of it 64 + +CHAPTER XVI + +DOES MARRIAGE HELP A MAN? + +In social life--In commercial life--In literary and artistic life-- +Matrimony is a highly respectable institution 68 + +CHAPTER XVII + +THE GOOSE AND THE GANDER + +The case for man, the defendant--Freemasonry between women--Which +is right?--Influence of plumage--The female bird--Man is not +invariably wrong--'What is good for the goose is good for the +gander'--But there is a difference between the goose and the +gander 74 + +CHAPTER XVIII + +DOES JEALOUSY COME FROM TRUE LOVE? + +The different kinds of girls that men seek in matrimony--Jealousy +is intensified, not created, by love--Why should not a married man +continue to admire women?--I want to knock down a newly-married +woman's husband--'Who would "polyg" with him?' 80 + +CHAPTER XIX + +DO WOMEN DRESS TO PLEASE MEN? + +The female attire--Women dress for breakfast and undress for +dinner--You don't know them from Eve--Society likes to be exposed +--How French, English, German and American women dress--Simplicity +in dress the coquetry of some women--What would happen if two +women remained alone on the face of the earth 85 + +CHAPTER XX + +THE FRENCH WIFE + +Her keenness and common-sense--Her power of observation and her +native adaptability--Her graceful ways--Her tact--Her artistic +refinement--Monsieur et Madame-'Did I hear you knock at my door, +dear?' 90 + +CHAPTER XXI + +THE ENGLISH WIFE + +Her position--Family life less attractive and piquant in England +than in France, but more solid--The English wife is the goddess of +a beautiful home 94 + +CHAPTER XXII + +THE BRITISH MATRON + +The English woman the most charming of women--The British the +most ridiculous one--English and British--The British matron is +the produce of British soil--Her ways--Her fads and inconsistency +--Her knowledge of French literature and her judgment thereof 98 + +CHAPTER XXIII + +THE AMERICAN WOMAN--I + +A new coat-of-arms for America--The American woman--Her ways-- +The liberty she enjoys--'Oh, please make me an American woman!' 103 + +CHAPTER XXIV + +THE AMERICAN WOMAN-II + +She walks first, Jonathan behind her--The educational system of +America explains the idiosyncrasies of the American woman 108 + +CHAPTER XXV + +THE AMERICAN WOMAN--III + +Opinions and impressions--An answer to criticism. 113 + +CHAPTER XXVI + +THE HUSBAND OF THE AMERICAN WOMAN + +The telephone and the ticker--The most useful of domestic animals +--Money-making--Loneliness of the women--A reminiscence of +Chicago 117 + +CHAPTER XXVII + +PETTICOAT GOVERNMENT + +Description of all the Anglo-Saxon fads 122 + +CHAPTER XXVIII + +THE LIBERTY OF ANGLO-SAXON WOMEN + +The mistakes made by foreigners--Misconstructions--Educational +systems--Girls do not lose their charm by independence 135 + +CHAPTER XXIX + +ENGLISH AND AMERICAN WOMEN HAVE NO LOVE TO SPARE FOR ONE ANOTHER + +England and America are two branches of a family who once quarrelled +--For their common interests they may make it up, but there will +never be any love lost--There are no such quarrels to patch up as +family ones 139 + +CHAPTER XXX + +THE WOMAN I HATE + +Women's-righters--Electric fluids--The bearded lady--The first-fiddle +--Lady doctors--Lady lawyers--Lady speech-makers--Prominent women-- +A pretty picture 144 + +CHAPTER XXXI + +THE KIND OF WOMAN I LOVE + +Another answer to critics--Distorted minds--The portrait of a +womanly woman 149 + +CHAPTER XXXII + +THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN THE WORLD + +The Irish, Hungarian and Spanish women--The beauty of the English +and French women--The redeeming feature of every American woman 153 + +CHAPTER XXXIII + +BLONDES AND BRUNETTES + +Characteristics of blondes and brunettes--The _ingenue_ and the +villainess--Which of the two do men like better?--Sauterne and +Burgundy--I like both--All women cannot afford to be blondes-- +Blondes with dark eyes--Brunettes with blue eyes 158 + +CHAPTER XXXIV + +FLIRTS AND COQUETTES + +The difference between the two--Points of resemblance 162 + +CHAPTER XXXV + +WHAT IS A PERFECT LADY? + +'Am I the man as wants a gentleman to drive him?'--How can you +tell a lady?--A lady is a woman who adds to the virtues of a woman +the qualities of a gentleman 167 + +CHAPTER XXXVI + +MAMMIES AND GRANNIES + +Cupboard love--Every kind of love is more or less selfish except +maternal love--Maternal love over-rated--If you never had a grannie, +do get one--Reminiscences of grannies--A sacrifice--Grannies are +not at all prejudiced in favour of their grandchildren 171 + +CHAPTER XXXVII + +ON MOTHERS-IN-LAW + +How to deal with them--Difference between a misfortune and an +accident--'That will spoil the whole thing'--Shoot her! 176 + +CHAPTER XXXVIII + +ON WIDOWS + +Women do have grievances--Various specimens of widows--The jolly +widow--The inconsolate widow--The plump widow--Marriageable +widows--Mourning and black--Last wills and testaments--How long +should a widow mourn her husband?--'You should have seen me +yesterday!' 180 + +CHAPTER XXXIX + +ON OLD MAIDS + +Different types of old maids--Many of them are undisguised blessings-- +Few men are good enough for women--Old bachelors and old maids 185 + +CHAPTER XL + +SHOULD PEOPLE REMARRY? + +The excuse most people give for remarrying--St. Peter's opinion +of men who have been married more than once--Stepmothers 189 + +CHAPTER XLI + +THE LAWS AND CEREMONY OF MARRIAGE + +Laws that will be altered during the twentieth century--People +will have to pass examinations before they are allowed to marry-- +The Church should give young couples a happy start, and change the +ceremony of marriage 194 + +CHAPTER XLII + +ON NURSES + +Nurses look the happiest women in the world--Their lives and their +privileges--True story of a nurse 198 + +CHAPTER XLIII + +PORTRAIT OF A FRENCH MOTHER 214 + +CHAPTER XLIV + +FAILINGS AND FOIBLES OF GOOD WOMEN + +Women of strong character--Obstinacy and prejudice--Tastes and +temperaments--The diplomatic woman--The strong-minded woman--The +superiority of woman--Monopolizers--Little women--The woman who +is wrong--'I told you so'--Why women were not given beards--Women +who marry for money and for titles--The only chance of success in +matrimony 228 + +CHAPTER XLV + +CUPIDIANA + +Stray thoughts on women--Love and matrimony 237 + + + + +HER ROYAL HIGHNESS WOMAN + + +CHAPTER I + +THE ETERNAL FEMININE + + What do we know about women?--Generalities on the subject--I am + requested to speak on some subject I know something about. + + +'I am a man, and everything that concerns woman interests me,' might +have said Terence. This is also what every Frenchman says, and why of +all men on earth he is the one who knows women best. He is keenly +alive to woman's influence, and woman is an ever-present, almost a +fixed, idea with him. Whether he study her from the artistic, the +psychological, even the physiological, point of view, his interest in +her is never exhausted. And this explains why, since Aspasia inspired +Socrates and advised Pericles, in no other country (not even in +America) has woman's sovereignty been so supreme as it has always been, +and still is, in France. + +It is true that the leaders of thought in France, as in any other +country, have long ago proclaimed that woman was the only problem it +would never be given to man to solve. It is true that they have all +tried and all failed, and that they acknowledge it, but they are trying +still. + +This characteristic of woman is probably, after all, what makes her +ever so interesting to us. Nothing is more different from a woman than +another woman. Nothing is more different from a woman than that very +woman herself. The very moment we think we know her, she slips through +our fingers and stands in front of us an absolute stranger. And so it +should be. A man was one day complaining to a friend that he had been +married twenty years without being able to understand his wife. 'You +should not complain of that,' remarked the friend. 'I have been married +to my wife three months only, and I understand her perfectly.' + +When I come to think of it, I must confess that we men are sometimes +perfectly lovely in our estimation of women. For example, you know, my +dear fellow-men, that when we have a little cold in our heads--nothing +more--the whole household is in a perfect state of commotion, and we +wonder how it is that the earth still dares continue her course round +the sun. Yet, when we see a woman patient, as she very generally is, of +the most poignant physical and moral suffering, we exclaim, in +admiration of her: 'She bears it like a man!' And what we seem to be +unable to understand is, why women should smile when they hear us make +that exclamation. Myself, I could roar, while holding my sides. + +No man can say that he knows what a woman is unless he has met her in +adversity. It is then that she can attain prodigious heights. Indeed, I +believe that the head of a woman is much stronger in adversity than in +prosperity. She can always surpass herself in misfortune, and often +fails to stand success--I mean personal success, for she can associate +herself to the success of a husband with all her heart and soul, but +personal success is very often too much for her. How many women have I +met during my twenty years of contact with the literary, artistic, +dramatic, and social circles of life who completely lost their heads +over a sudden personal success! I have seen women immediately lose all +interest in home and family life; I have seen some abandon husband, and +even children, on suddenly becoming a celebrity, a famous writer, +actress, or singer, or a 'professional' beauty. A successful man will +not alter in his feelings toward his family because he has become +celebrated, unless he has a wife who should keep amusing herself with +reminding him that, however the great 'John' of Oliver Wendell Holmes +he may be to the public, he is only plain 'Jack' at home. On the +contrary, the successful man will often most willingly give all the +applause of the public for a few encouraging words of praise from a +devoted wife, for a few expressions of admiration from a loving +daughter. The easily unstrung, almost hysterical, temperament of a +woman will sometimes make her give up all the quiet enjoyment of family +happiness and love for the noisy applause of the crowd. It acts on her +like an intoxicating beverage; and if men sometimes get cured of the +craving for drink, women, it is well known, never do. The celebrated +woman is seldom fit to be, or, if she is, to remain, a wife and a +mother. She becomes an anomaly, a freak. It is in woman's nature. She +cannot look down to drop her love on a man; to love she must admire and +look up. I would rather be the husband of a simple little dairymaid +than that of a George Sand or a Madame de Stael. + +All these are stray thoughts on the great eternal feminine. Like my +fellow-men, I know nothing about women. + +I quite appreciated a little scene only a few weeks old. I was +announced to give a lecture on 'Women' to the students of a large +ladies' college in North Carolina. A couple of hours before the +lecture, three young ladies from the college called on me at the hotel +where I was staying. I met them in the parlour. Three charming, bright, +most intelligent-looking girls they were. After looking at each other +for some time, so as to suggest that the other should speak, one at +last made up her mind to be the spokeswoman of the little deputation. +'We have called on you,' she said, 'to ask if you would be kind enough +to change the subject of your lecture to-night. Our lecture course is +instituted for the instruction and the general improvement of the +students, and we thought we should like to hear you talk to us on a +subject which you know something about.' I must say that I felt +fearfully small; but I was delighted at the frankness of those young +American girls, and at once acceded to their request. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +WOMAN'S INFLUENCE FOR GOOD AND EVIL + + A woman at the beginning--The first love-story--Different + versions--'Cherchez la femme'--The influence of woman on national + characteristics. + + +If we look back into the dawn of the world, we see that, from her first +appearance, woman has always been a great power. Indeed, she had the +leading part in the first great drama of which the literature of the +world gives any account. A snake and a poor weak man had the minor +parts, the snake playing the villain and the poor man the fool. I +have never read that story without feeling ashamed of the first +representative of my sex. If I had been Adam, I would have stuck to +Eve through thick and thin. To save, even only to shield, a woman +(especially one I loved, or one who would have been as kind to me as +Eve had been to Adam), I would tell lies by the yard and by the hour, +and I admire that English judge who, being told so by a male +co-respondent in a divorce case, replied, 'And so would I.' + +How I prefer that story of our first parents as related in the sacred +books of the Buddhists! There, as in the version that we know, man is +tempted by woman, and, as in our version, and as he has done ever +since, and will do for ever and ever, he succumbs. But when he is found +out and sentence is to be passed on him, what a difference! He does not +turn around and say, 'Please, it was not I who tempted her; it was she +who tempted me.' No, he acknowledges his guilt, affirms that he alone +disobeyed, and that he alone should be punished. Then Eve intervenes, +and she, too, confesses her guilt. There is a regular attempt each at +shielding the other. Then both fall on their knees and beg to be +punished together, and their request is granted, and they go forth hand +in hand into exile. This is the first record of love and devotion, not, +as in our version, a first record of man's cowardice and selfishness. + +From that memorable day to this, Her Royal Highness Woman has been the +greatest power for good and evil that the world has known, for ever +since Adam and Eve there have been men and women--especially women. + +A beautiful woman was the cause of the Trojan War; the cause of David's +single sin, a woman; the cause of Solomon's decadence, a woman, or +rather, many women. A woman was the instigator of the greatest crime +ever recorded in history, the terrible massacre of St. Bartholomew. A +woman, who has dearly paid for it since, was the cause of the +Franco-German war. On the other hand, France was saved in the fifteenth +century by a sweet peasant girl at a time when King and people had +given up all hope of ever again seeing France a free and independent +nation--but that was a long time ago. + +There is no country where the influence of women over men is so great +as France, and the famous phrase 'Cherchez la femme'--'Seek the +woman'--emanated from the lips of the greatest jurisconsult France ever +produced, President Dupin, in the reign of King Louis Philippe. And it +is a fact that among French prisoners who belong to the better classes, +there are ninety-nine out of every hundred who have committed murder, +forgery, embezzlement, theft, for the sake of a woman. The English +people (and the Americans, too, I believe) say that drunkenness is +responsible for the great majority of crimes committed in Great Britain +and America. The expensive ways of French women are responsible for the +majority of crimes and offences committed by men in modern France, as +these expensive ways of women are responsible for their own downfall +nine times out of ten. + +On the other hand, a man owes all his best qualities to the influence +of the first woman he has known, his mother. A man will be what his +mother has made him. A man does not learn how to be a gentleman at +school, at college, or at the university. There he may improve his +manner, but his mind is formed at home much earlier than that. + +It is woman, and woman alone, that makes society polite. Men together +can talk or chat, but it is only when women join them that they can +_causer_, an equivalent for which the English language does not +possess. And why? Simply because Englishmen do not as a rule care for +the restraint that results from the presence of women. + +Thanks to the tact, the brilliancy, and the high intellectual +attainments of American women, one can _causer_ in America, and the +vocabulary of the language used in the United States ought to be richer +by one word, a good equivalent for this French verb which both 'to +talk' and 'to chat' most imperfectly translate; for _causer_ means 'to +chat with wit, humour, brilliancy, and great refinement.' + + + + +Chapter III + +MAXIMS FOR THE MAN IN LOVE + + How to deal with your girl--Avoid catching colds in your head--How + women with humour can be saved. + + +Never go down on your knees to declare your love; you will spoil +your trousers and feel very uncomfortable. Rather give the lady an +opportunity of denying that you were on your knees before her, for the +simple reason that she was sitting on them. + +Never put your hand near your lady's waistband or round her neck. Place +it about the middle of her back; there are no pins there. + +If she asks you to fasten her bracelet, never forget to apply a kiss on +her arm. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, that is what she wants and +why she does not secure her bracelet with a little chain. + +Never call on your lady-love while you have a cold in your head. If you +begin your declaration, you will never be able to resume it after a fit +of sneezing. A cold in the head inspires pity neither in the heart of +man nor in that of woman, and sneezing is fatal if the lady possesses +the slightest particle of humour. Remember that, with a cold in your +head, you will have to say to her: 'I lob you, be darling. Oh! I hab +such a cold id be dose.' No romantic love, my dear fellow, could +survive that. + +I knew a man who once eloped with a married woman. They were deeply in +love with each other. When they arrived at their destination, they went +to the hotel where they had engaged rooms. It was a bitterly cold day, +and they had forgotten to give orders for fires. The rooms were dull +and chilly. They fell in each other's arms. 'At last, my darling!' he +exclaimed. 'At last, my own beloved one!' He could say no more. He was +seized with a violent fit of sneezing. The misled lady came at once to +her senses. In no time the trunks were sent back to the station, and +that same evening she had returned safe and sound to the conjugal roof. +The 'saving grace' of humour has done still more for women than for men +who owe so much to it. + +The woman who has a keen sense of humour is a terrible one to make love +to. The romantic one will find charms in all your shortcomings, but the +other is inexorable. She is constantly on the look-out for something to +laugh at; nothing will escape her. And you know that, if you laugh, +love-making is out of the question. + +I know a woman who was radically cured of her ardent love for a man +because he had, near the tip of his nose, a tiny little wart which +turned alternately white and red while he got passionately engaged +telling her the sincerity and intensity of his love. + +If you are bald, never make love to a woman taller than you. Looked at +from below, you are all right. + +Never let your lady-love see you without a collar, no, not even the +very wife of your bosom. A man's head without a collar is like a +bouquet without a holder. + +Never let her see you asleep. Maybe you sleep with your mouth open. If +you are married, let your wife sleep first. When you are quite sure she +is off, let yourself go--and be careful to wake up first in the +morning. + +Never tell your lady-love that you are very steady in your affections, +and that every time that you love a woman it is for ever. If you think +she will enjoy the joke, you overrate her sense of humour. + +If your wife or sweetheart be in love with you to such a degree that +she tells you she could never survive you if you happened to die, +reassure her and tell her that there is a way out of the +difficulty--her setting out first. + +Don't let your wife see you shave. Your idiotic, cowed look, your +gaping mouth and grimaces are as many infallible remedies for love. + +Never indulge in any little objectionable trick before the woman you +love. Great affections should never be trifled with. Madame Bovary, in +Gustave Flaubert's famous novel, took a dislike to her husband and went +helplessly wrong, because the latter, after eating, used to clean his +teeth by promenading his tongue inside his mouth. I sympathize with the +poor woman and feel rather inclined to forgive her. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +ADVICE TO THE MAN WHO WANTS TO MARRY + + What should attract him in matrimony--At what age should people get + married?--Be superior to your wife in everything. + + +When you are dead, once said a cynic, it's for a long time; but when +you are married, it's for ever. + +Therefore, before entering into the holy estate of matrimony, a man +could not be too careful in the choice of his partner. + +Now, what should influence him most in that choice? Money? Never--oh, +never, unless it be out of philanthropy and on reflecting that, after +all, it would be very hard on rich girls to feel that they cannot marry +because they have money, and I do think that they want to marry as well +as others. Beauty, then? No; beauty passes away. Ugliness? Certainly +not; ugliness remains. What, then? An altogether of physical, moral, +and intellectual charms which fit in exactly with all the ideals of +that man, and, above all, a similarity of tastes. + +After all, what is beauty, considered as an incentive to love? A man +has in himself a hundred beings to every one of which a different kind +of beauty can appeal. If he be an artist, the women of Raphael will +inspire him with the purest sensations of love, those of Titian with +the loftiest sentiments of admiration and respect. Those of Watteau +will make him believe that he could live on candies and _choux a la +creme_. Those of Teniers would reconcile him to the idea of a quiet +life over a pipe and a tankard of beer. Some heroic beauty will inspire +him with the most chivalrous sentiments; some melancholy one with +dreams of a refined poetic life. Some sedate beauty, with her hair +dressed _a la vierge_, will suggest to him a regular humdrum life, +mid-day dinners, retiring and rising early, and will inculcate in him +an immoderate desire to be the father of a large family. That same man, +however, might become a criminal under the influence of some poisonous +beauty. Some Bostonian girl educated beyond her intellect might induce +that very man to spend the rest of his life studying Browning. + +Now, my dear man, if beauty should influence you in the choice of a +wife, never decide on a woman before you are absolutely sure that, +whatever happens, you will be happy with her as your wife knitting by +your side, while, under a veranda covered with jasmine and honeysuckle, +you play with the babe on your knees. If a woman does not possess +_that_ kind of beauty, she is not fit for matrimony, and don't marry +her. + +Now, a woman should marry young, very young even, so that her husband +should enjoy all the different phases of her beauty, from the beauty of +girlhood to that second youth, or matronly beauty, which to my mind is +perhaps the best of all. The Watteau of eighteen will become a Rubens +at forty. It is, perhaps, at forty that a woman is most strikingly +beautiful, and she is almost invariably so when she has taken care of +herself, and has been loved and petted by husband and children alike. +It is then that she knows how to make the best of herself, that she +best understands how to exercise her gifts and charms in the most +effective manner. + +It is at forty that she enjoys the grace of perfect self-possession. +She has tact, and dresses faultlessly. Her knowledge of the world, her +experience of life, all help to make her a more delightful companion +than ever. The love she has inspired is written on every one of her +features. Her eyes sparkle with joy, her mouth expresses the ecstasy of +past and present bliss, and also gratitude for the kisses that have +been impressed upon it. Yes, the woman of forty is a joy, an +intoxicating and an incomparable joy, to a husband. That woman is even +more beautiful physically than she ever was, and her beauty is of such +a different type from what it was at twenty that I can very well +understand how a husband can seriously fall in love with his wife a +second time. All this is truth, my dear fellow. And don't even be +afraid of white hair. With a good complexion, a cheerful expression, +and two big black eyes, nothing goes better than white hair, and the +whiter it is the better. + +And, you will say, at what age should a man marry? Well, at all events, +never before he is quite prepared to provide for a wife, whatever her +position may be. When this indispensable condition is satisfied, I +shall say never, or seldom, before thirty. Never try matrimony as an +experiment--that is to say, never before you are absolutely certain you +will prefer it to all the rest. I heard the other day a very good piece +of advice, which I should like to repeat here, as I endorse it +thoroughly: A man should marry a woman half his age, _plus_ seven. +Try it at whatever age you like, and you will find it works very well, +taking for granted all the while that, after all, a man as well as a +woman is the age that he looks and feels. + +Never marry a woman richer than you, or one taller than you, or one +older than you. Be always gently superior to your wife in fortune, in +size, and in age, so that in every possible way she may appeal to you +for help or protection, either through your purse, your strength, or +your experience of life. Marry her at an age that will always enable +you to play with her all the different characteristic parts of a +husband, a chum, a lover, an adviser, a protector, and just a tiny +suspicion of a father. + + + + +CHAPTER V + +ON THE SELECTION OF LIFE PARTNERS + + Be as careful in choosing your partners as you would in choosing + your ancestors--Count your change before entering, as mistakes + cannot be recognised afterwards. + + +In choosing their partners for life, people should be as careful as in +choosing their ancestors. To give advice in the matter, however, is a +very delicate task to undertake. + +You see, there is no probation allowed by the laws and customs of +civilized nations, and we have to put aside at once the best piece of +advice that could be given on the subject, which is: 'Go and have a +try, and if you don't like it, why, give it up and try something else.' +What a progress it will be, what a guarantee for the improved happiness +of the human race, when couples will be allowed to associate on trial, +say, for a few months! Yes, but how many will remain married? And then, +what will become of the human race? + +This not being legal now, or, if you prefer, not accepted by the rules +of proper society, let us examine the case a bit. + +Should couples study each other's characters during a long period of +engagement? Alas! how could they be hopeful of success when, after ten +years of married life, they often discover they were not made for each +other? I have known English couples who had been engaged ten years +trying to find out if they were fit for each other. Poor couples! they +might have been engaged fifty years without any more chance of success. +Life during an engagement means the daily repetition of an old story: +sentimental walks. The sky is serene, the sea is smooth. As I say +elsewhere, they will never know they are good sailors until they have +been together on board the same boat in a good big storm--no, not until +misfortunes have come to try them, not until they have been confronted +with bills for meat and coal and the price of butter. Besides, long +engagements should be avoided, because if they do not end in matrimony +the prospects of a woman may be ruined. + +Make your inquiries about your possible future partners, about their +antecedents, their family, their social and financial position. If your +partner is healthy (make sure of that), make up your mind quickly. +Marriage is a lottery; go in for it at once and take your chance. + +A woman should avoid accepting a man who has been particularly +successful with women. At the same time, she should look for one to +whom woman is not an enigma, and who is a man of the world and of +strong character, so that she may feel sure that when he chose her, he +said to himself: 'I know my mind; happiness for me lies there.' On that +man she will be able to depend and lean safely. + +As peace and security are the guarantees of happiness in matrimony, a +man should not choose a lovely rose who will attract the attention of +all the men, but look for a modest violet in some retired, shady spot. +The violet is the emblem of peaceful and lasting love. + +A woman should avoid marrying a man who at home is the favourite of +many sisters who constantly dance attendance on him. That man is +spoiled for matrimony. He will require his wife to bestow on him all +the attentions he received from his sisters, besides those which he has +a right to expect from a wife. + +I should advise woman to shun a dragon of virtue like fire: she should +prefer a dragoon rather. A man may be good, but he must not overdo it. +He that has no wickedness is too good for this world; not even a nun +could endure him. Fancy, my dear lady, a man being shocked by you! The +male prig is the abomination of the earth, and should be the pet +aversion of women. + +Let a man avoid marrying a woman who has won the applause of the +public. The life of a successful woman unfits her for matrimony and its +peaceful joys. Of course there are, and I have known, many exceptions. +If you marry a well-known singer, you will soon discover yourself in +the act of carrying her roll of music. Ah, if you are a great singer +yourself, well and good! But then, take care that if you both appear at +the same concert, one does not get more encores than the other, or +peace will be destroyed. + +Don't marry women who have big bouquets of roses and orchids sent to +them, or your daily little bunch of violets or lilies-of-the-valley +will soon run the risk of being despised. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +MAXIMS FOR THE MARRIED MAN + + Keep your wife in order--How to deal with her (confidential). + + +If at the beginning of his married life a man cannot have enough +control over himself to see that his wife does not get her own way in +everything, and that he does not make himself her abject slave, he will +never be able to recover his liberty, and he is done for, condemned to +subjection for the rest of his natural life. The beginning of wisdom is +to keep your wife in order. + +No Government has ever been known to successfully suppress, or even +reduce, any liberty or privilege previously granted to the people. If a +man capitulates on the threshold of matrimony, he will never be able to +recover one inch of the ground he has surrendered. In fact, a man has +to be as careful to avoid spoiling a wife as he would a child, and that +for her sake as well as for his own. + +To be happy, for instance, a woman does not require the constant +presence of her husband. On the contrary, she will enjoy his company +very much more if he and she are not always thrown together. + +I know men who, from the beginning of their married lives, visited +their clubs, enjoyed men's company, while remaining very devoted to +their wives and making them very happy. + +But if a man waits ten years to decide on belonging to a club, he will +soon discover the terrible mistake he has made. His visits to that club +will be treated like perfect acts of unfaithfulness, reproaches will +begin, followed by sulking, and the famous sentence will be uttered, +'You love me no more.' + +To be happy, matrimonial life must be uniform. Every change must be +discreet, gradual, and for the better. You have to keep a fire alive +for the length of your natural life; see that your cellar is well +stocked and the fuel used discriminately and economically. + +Control your love and your ardour. If at the beginning you are too +attentive, and do such things as you know you cannot do for ever, look +out! The slightest inattention will take the most gigantic proportions. + +Some men, good diplomatists, carry this principle the length of +objecting to being their wives' lovers, simply because they know they +cannot always be lovers, and that the day they cease to be lovers they +will be considered perfect criminals. + +Therefore, my friend, control yourself sufficiently to restrain your +_epanchements_ so cleverly that your wife may be led to believe +that you love her more and more every day. Remember that you enter the +holy estate of matrimony with a certain capital of love. The whole +happiness of your married life will depend on the way you use that +capital. + +Live on the interest. + +If you touch the capital, you are bound to become bankrupt sooner or +later. + +Married life is a comedy (sometimes, alas! a tragedy) in several acts. +Like in a play, avoid putting into the first act of your married life +all your strongest situations and all your smartest dialogue, for fear +lest the interest should go on flagging steadily to the end. + +The clever dramatist is invariably satisfied with writing a quiet and +sober first act. No situations of any strength are required. He makes +his audience thoroughly acquainted with his characters. + +Then the action begins, and the climax is never reached before the end +of the last act but one. A genius sometimes gives it in the last act. + +The intelligent husband should bear this in mind and do the same. + +The first act of matrimony should be a careful and sympathetic study of +character, the laying down of a little plan of campaign full of +considerate concessions and well-conceived resolutions. + +It is only after at least ten years of matrimony that a climax should +be reached, when the man is above forty, in the full possession of his +manly powers, when the woman is above thirty, in the full possession of +her glorious womanly charms, when both are sure of each other and tried +friends. + +Then, and then only, they can allow themselves to be lovers in the full +meaning of the word. They will be able to enjoy that great bliss if +they have not made the mistake of trying too soon. + +The epicure, like the diplomatist, is the one who knows how to wait. + +In matrimony it is not 'All is well that ends well': it is All is well +that begins well, and not too well. + + * * * * * + +Don't read at mealtime in the presence of your wife, not even the +newspaper at breakfast. Converse with her pleasantly; it will help to +make her cheerful for the day; it will also help your digestion. The +market may have gone down, and the reading of your newspaper may spoil +your appetite. + +If at night your room is lighted by the means of one lamp only, don't +bring that lamp just behind you in order to read your paper +comfortably. See that your wife is not compelled to do her needlework +in the dark. You do not perhaps realize that women are not all cats and +cannot all of them see in darkness. + +Let your wife show and prove she loves you, but never let her tell it +you. On the contrary, tell her all day long, if you choose. She will +never tire of hearing you telling her; she will spend her life +listening to you telling her. + +If your wife loses her temper, keep cool as a cucumber and enjoy the +scene. The effect will be marvellous and instantaneous. + +If you are of a jealous disposition, take all the precautions in the +world that your wife may not see it, for it will make her so proud that +she may give you serious reasons for indulging in it. If you are +suspicious, be a diplomatist and hide it from her; for if she does not +deserve your suspicions, she will naturally resent it, and if she does, +it will only make a hypocrite of her. + +Quarrel with your wife, but never bore her. Never fidget, never fuss, +and never sulk. If she is late keeping an appointment, don't scold, +don't make yourself unpleasant. Tell her it's much better to have her +late than not at all. Next time go without her. The cure is infallible. + +If she is late coming down, take it for granted that she is trying to +look her best for you. Feel flattered and show your gratitude. Remember +that the modern _coming_ woman is the one who says she will be ready in +ten minutes. Laugh at it, make fun of it, crack a joke on it, but never +let a woman suppose that, in your manly grandeur, you can lose your +temper, even your equanimity, for such trifles. + +Never appear to be idle in your house, in the morning especially. If +you have nothing to do, go to your study, your library, or any other +'growlery'; inform your wife that you have to be very busy all the +morning, and will she be kind enough to see that you are not disturbed? +Then lock the door, light a cigar, and take a paper or a book, and be +fearfully busy all the time. Your wife, being busy herself all the +morning, giving orders and preparing the programme of the day, will be +grateful to you for being out of the way, and think all the more of you +for being so busy. + +Whenever you do your wife a favour, make her a present, etc., never +remind her of it. Gratitude, like love, is not to be had for the +asking. What a woman admires most in a man is generosity, and to remind +anyone of a favour is not generous. It looks like asking to be paid for +a service. + +When you lend money to your wife, never ask for the return of the loan. +She would think it shabby of you. If she should return it (there are +some extraordinary women), give it back to her in the shape of a jewel +or any other thing that may be a fair representative of the value. She +will say of you, 'My husband is a gentleman,' and this will cost you +nothing, as you had made up your mind to the loss of that loan. + +When your wife puts on a new gown, a new hat, or any new garment, never +fail to notice it at once. She will appreciate an act which proves to +her that your interest in her is keenly alive. + +Never do unto your wife what, as a gentleman, you would never think of +doing to any lady of your acquaintance, such as to enter a room before +her, meet her in the street without taking off your hat, etc. + +If your wife should ever appear in your presence with curlers on, or +in any way she would sternly refuse to appear before a stranger, do +not reprove her, but shame her by the irreproachableness of your +appearance. Therefore, treat her as you want her to treat you. If she +is intelligent, she will take the hint at once. Never put on slippers, +a smoking-cap, spectacles, and such remedies for love. Always be +freshly shaved, and let your _neglige_ at home be as carefully put on +as your best dress coat. Love feeds on even such trifles as these in +the case of people of a refined and artistic temperament. + +Never interfere with the liberty and independence of your wife, and +never allow her to interfere with yours. Let her correspondence be +sacred to you as yours to her. Mutual confidence and 'Liberty Hall' +should be the motto of matrimony. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +MAXIMS FOR THE MARRIED WOMAN + + A wife should follow and obey her husband, especially follow + him--Feed the brute. + + +The Roman and British Empires were founded by men who did not allow +themselves to be led by women. The gentle submission of woman to man is +the basis of every solid social system. But the appearance of it is all +that is needed. + + * * * * * + +Never tell your husband that you give him this or that for dinner, and +not what he asks for, because you know what is best for him. A man will +willingly yield to the woman he loves, he will make any sacrifice she +may require, but he will generally draw the line at being told what is +good for him. Of this he will beg to remain the best judge and tell you +so frankly and firmly. + +If you suggest to your husband that he should go for a walk, and tell +him that he must take to the right and go up the hill, because the air +is much purer that way and will make his walk much more profitable, +take it for granted that, if he is a man really worthy of the name, he +will take to the left and go the other way, not at all to annoy you, +but simply to assert his liberty and make himself believe that, +although he is married, he is still a free man, able to go where he +likes. + +The whole being of a man craves for liberty. If he is not in real +possession of it, give him sometimes a chance of fancying he is. He +will be grateful to you for this delicate act of consideration, and +boast in his club that he is one of the lucky married men absolutely +free to do as they choose. + +Never complain of your husband because he now and then criticises your +dress or your new hat. On the contrary, return grateful thanks that he +takes notice of what you wear. There are husbands who allow their wives +perfect freedom in this respect, for the simple reason that they care +absolutely nothing whether they have a garden of flowers or an old +saucepan on their heads. Be grateful that your husband is none of +those. + +If you want to be quite sure that he will like at least one dress of +yours, take him with you when you choose it and let him believe that +you entirely submit to his taste. He will always be sure to admire that +dress, especially if he has had the privilege of paying for it. + +Never allow your husband to frequent your dressing-room and poke his +nose into all your little jars and bottles, for fear he should discover +the secret of your beauty and of your lovely complexion. Remind him +that Balzac said that a man must be a philosopher or a fool who enters +his wife's dressing-room. + +Cheerfulness is the keynote of happiness in matrimony. Never take life, +and never let your husband take life, too seriously, if you happen to +have the good fortune to be in easy circumstances. Indulge in little +fads and yield to hundreds of innocent temptations. Your life will one +day be worth remembering on account of the thousand and one little +follies you will have indulged in and enjoyed. + +If your husband has a hobby, encourage him in it; never snub him for +it. If he brings home a little picture, an engraving, a set of books, a +few bits of china he has taken a fancy to, admire his purchase, and +don't tell him he has spent his money foolishly. Probably he has earned +that money himself. Besides, reflect that there are men who spend their +money in drink or at the gambling-table, not only their spare cash, but +often the money that would buy the necessaries of life for their wives +and families. + +I know men who dare not change the place of a picture in their own +house, for fear of being sneered at by their wives. Let your husband +'potter' about his house to his heart's content. Let his study be a +lovely picture of disorder, and every time you enter that room, don't +begin to turn up your nose at the door, and look everywhere to see if +there is a little dust on the furniture. + +When you have decided to go in for the spring-cleaning of your house, +choose your time well and see that it fits in with one when your +husband can have a little holiday. Spring-cleaning indulged in +indiscriminately has been the cause of more disturbance in temper and +language than all the immorality of the world put together. + +Let the man smoke and the children romp all over the place. Don't +compel them to withdraw, like culprits, one in some underground den, +the others in a nursery at the top of the house. If some stuck-up prig +of your acquaintance should call on you and spread the report that your +house is not kept on the strictest lines of order and propriety, plead +guilty, and show that woman, to obtain 'extenuating circumstances,' the +marks of the kisses of your husband and children engraven on your +cheerful, happy face. + +Don't lavish yourself too much on your husband. Always leave something +to be desired. If you saturate him with love, he will get tired of you. + +When lots of people require your attention in your house and you have +to reply to all in succession, do not exhaust your stock of sweetness, +patience and gentleness on your friends, your relatives, your children +and your servants, so that, when your husband's turn comes, you may not +have to say to him with a frown: 'Now, what is it?' + +He should be served first and best. Perhaps he deserves it. If not, +your consideration for him may put it into his head to try and deserve +it. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +THE GENTLE ART OF RULING A HUSBAND + + The rule of women over men is the survival of the fittest. + + +The best thing that can happen to a man is to be ruled by his wife; but +she should rule him so discreetly, so diplomatically, that he could +almost boast that it is he who rules her. At all events, he should +remain very undecided which of the two it is that rules the other. And +when a man is not quite sure that it is he who rules his wife, you may +take it for granted that it is she who rules him. Of course, I start +from this indispensable, fundamental element, that there is love +between husband and wife. Without love existing in matrimonial life, +no rule can be laid down, no advice can be given on the subject. + +How is the art of ruling a husband to be learned? The American and the +French girls are at a good school; they have only to study how Mamma +does it. I have travelled all over the world, and so far I have +discovered two countries only in which the men are in leading-strings +and the women are the leaders--my own beloved one and the United States +of America. In these two privileged nations the women lead the men by +the nose; but in America the women boast of it, and I do not think they +should. In France the women do not boast of it, but they do it, and +with a vengeance. Yet, before the people a Frenchwoman will always say: +'Oh, I do so and so because it pleases my husband.' Dear little humbug! +does she, though! Butter would not melt in her mouth when she says +that. + +Now, the rule of the women over the men, both in France and in America, +is simply the survival of the fittest, the power of the most keen and +intelligent; but for all that, and perfectly as he may realize it, a +man objects to his submission being obvious to everybody. In public he +will let his wife pass first; in the elevator with her he will take off +his hat; in the street car he will give her a seat and remain standing. +All this is not submission; it is merely politeness. He behaves, not +like a henpecked husband, but only as a gentleman, and a man should +always be as polite to his wife as he would to any lady he comes in +contact with. A French gentleman, who meets his wife in the street and +stops to speak to her, remains with his head uncovered until she begs +him to put on his hat. A French son does the same to his mother. + +This leads me to the first and the most important principle of the art +of ruling a husband, and that is, never to allow him to do to her, or +before her, what she knows he would never think of doing to or before +any lady of his acquaintance--at any rate, without her permission. The +day on which either a husband or a wife says, 'Oh, never mind; it's my +husband,' or 'Oh, it's only my wife; I can do as I please,' on that +day, that awful day, Cupid packs up his traps, and when that little +fellow is gone he never comes back; he is too busy visiting. + +To rule a husband it is not at all necessary that the wife should be +the more clever of the two, unless by clever you mean intelligent, much +less that she should possess a better education than he. The latter +qualification would probably lead her to rule him in an assertive and +aggressive manner, which would be fatal to their happiness. Very few +marriages are happy when the wife is the superior of her husband. I +know very clever men, scientific and literary men of prodigious +ability, who are completely ruled by charming little geese who are +fortunate enough to possess the most enviable of gifts--common-sense, +delicacy, refinement, consideration, amiability, devotion, +unselfishness, and a good temper. These men enjoy the rule of their +wives thoroughly. + +God save you, my dear fellow-man, from the conceited woman who cannot +do wrong! You will find that you cannot live up to that. If the day +after you are married you discover that your wife is perfect, run away +for your life. Perfection in a woman ought to be a cause for divorce. +In fact, never have anything to do with angels this side of the grave. + +How I do love that simple, fascinating little woman who gently puts her +arms round her husband's neck, kisses him, and confesses that she was +wrong! What a brute that man is if he does not at once take that dear +creature in his arms and make all the apologies he is capable of for +behaving in such an ungentlemanly way as to force his wife to +acknowledge that she was in the wrong! That man, if he is a gentleman, +a man even, will spend weeks and weeks after such a confession +attending to the smallest wishes of his wife. I would lay all I am +worth in this world at the feet of a woman who would acknowledge that +she was in the wrong. Most of them will argue and talk you deaf, dumb, +blind, and lame, until, for peace' sake, you will say: 'Yes, dear, you +are right, of course. How could I imagine for a single moment that you +were not?' Then a ray of satisfaction flashes across her face, which +seems to say to you: 'I knew you would have to acknowledge it.' + +To rule your husband, my dear lady, do exactly as you please, but +always pretend that you do as he pleases. That is where your ability +comes in. + +Men are ruled, as children are, by the prospect of a reward. The reward +of your husband is your amiability, your sweetness, your devotion, and +your beauty, of which you should take a constant care. Love has to be +fed constantly. And always let him suppose that it is for him only that +you wish to remain beautiful. + + * * * * * + +The woman who believes that she is asserting her independence every +time she puts on a hat particularly displeasing to her husband is as +intelligent and clever as the Irishman who buys a return ticket at a +railway office, and, on entering his compartment, says to his +fellow-passengers: 'I have played a good joke on the company, I have +bought a return ticket--but I don't mean to return.' + + + + +CHAPTER IX + +ART IN LOVE + + Pleasure and happiness--Love is the poetry of the senses--The + artistic temperament--The instrument and the instrumentalist--The + defence of monogamy on artistic principles--Polygamy _versus_ + monotony. + + +Pleasure is a passing sensation. What the soul craves for is a +permanent state. Pleasure is the satisfaction of the moment; happiness +is the security of the morrow. Nothing but happiness gives satisfaction +to the soul. + +Thomas Carlyle spent his life in scolding the human race for trying to +be happy. His diatribes should have been aimed only at those who are +foolish enough to try to find happiness in pleasure. + +Happiness is to be found in congenial work, in a regular and well-spent +life, in obscurity and retirement, in sound and true friendship, and +especially in the love of a man and a woman who thoroughly appreciate +each other. + +For instance, Carlyle abused money-making, that chief occupation of +modern life which most people pursue in order to attain the great end, +happiness. But men may find pleasure in money-grubbing, not happiness. +Carlyle mistook pleasure for happiness. His dyspeptic state prevented +him from enjoying any pleasure, and his sour disposition any happiness; +and, just as a man who cannot eat a dinner loves to lecture another who +enjoys a good digestion, he scolded and snarled. Now, mankind has never +been improved by scolding, and that is why his writings have passed +over the heads of the human race and done no good. Man has ever been, +is, and ever will be, in search of the solution of the great problem of +life, happiness; and what they want is thinkers, writers who will help +them to find it. Carlyle treated the human race very much as he treated +his wife: he wrote beautiful love-letters to her, but never said a kind +or sweet word to her which might have helped to make her happy. + +There is always something very unsatisfactory and inconclusive about a +blind man discoursing on colour, or a dyspeptic one on pleasure and +happiness. + +No doubt the greatest source of happiness in this world is to be found +in the love and devotion of a man and a woman. You may find it in every +sphere of life, but more particularly in that little cottage covered +with ivy, jasmine, and honeysuckle which seldom attracts the attention +of the passer-by. Happy the one whose nest is hidden far from the +crowd! + +Now, what will especially help a man and woman to find happiness in +love? Many, many things will help, but most especially the artistic +temperament--that temperament which can be cultivated and developed, +and which will cause the man and the woman to always look for the +beautiful, for the enjoyment of the soul and the heart at the same time +as that of the body. + +Love is the poetry of the senses. It reveals its secrets and its +ecstasies only to those who can so mingle their thoughts, their hearts, +their souls, as to transform two beings into one--only to people of +refinement and of artistic disposition. + +The French, for example, are neither more moral nor more immoral than +the English or the Americans: they are different in their morality, +different in their immorality, as they are in their tastes, customs, +and habits. But what I am perfectly sure of is that they are the +happiest people on earth, simply because of their artistic temperament, +which makes them take all their pleasures in discreet moderation, like +epicures, and, by making the companionship of man and woman most +pleasant and attractive, enables them to enjoy domestic relations in +all their beautiful fulness. + +But, some people will say, is not an artistic temperament conducive +to unfaithfulness? Will not a man with an artistic temperament, for +example, constantly have new 'artistic' aspirations, and constantly +fall in love with beauty? Not at all necessarily. If you will allow +me to repeat an expression, of which I cannot say I am particularly +proud, but the truth of which I insist on, that woman is a beautiful +instrument and man a good or a bad instrumentalist, I will answer: No, +not at all necessarily. I am not aware that Sarasate or Joachim require +more than one violin to give their marvellous performances on, and I +know that when Paderewski goes on tour, he insists on always playing on +the same piano, which follows him everywhere. + +It is not only on moral but on artistic grounds that I object to +polygamy, and that I advocate monotony--I mean monogamy. And on this +subject another question might be put: Should a woman prefer to marry a +man to whom woman is an enigma? I know that most people who belong to +the retinue of Mrs. Grundy will at once exclaim: Most decidedly a woman +should expect to find the man as he expects to find her. There goes +again the old saying: 'What is good for the goose should be good for +the gander.' + +Well, there is something in that; but when I consider that the whole +happiness of a married life may depend on the start, I would fain +reply: Remember that the first time a man whispers words of love he is +a fearful stammerer. + +Mrs. Grundy is a very moral person for whom I cannot help feeling some +respect; but she is the cause of a great deal of happiness being missed +in Anglo-Saxon lands. My greatest grudge against that lady is that she +is the bitter, implacable enemy of the artistic, the beautiful, and the +truthful, of which she has succeeded in denuding art, literature, and +life itself. Anglo-Saxon intelligence--'the intellectuals,' as we call +them in France, are dead against her, loathe her, but the masses of the +people are crawling on their knees before her. All the conventionalities +of English life have been invented to suit her tastes, and to please +her the most innocent pleasures have had to be transformed into +funereal functions. Everything suggests impropriety and indecency to +her distorted mind, and she is the cause that, in England, and also to +some extent in America, art, literature, and life, have to lie in order +to avoid running the risk of deserving her frowns. + + + + +CHAPTER X + +SORE TRIALS FOR PEOPLE IN LOVE--WILL LOVE TRIUMPH OVER THE AFFLICTIONS +OF THE BODY? + + A pathetic story--Could you whisper words of love through an + ear-trumpet?--The case presented on the stage--Take care of the + woman you love. + + +The following reflections were suggested to me by a pitiful story that +I heard a few days ago only. A young, beautiful girl, belonging to the +best society, was engaged to be married. During her lover's absence she +had typhoid fever. She recovered and is now quite well, but (the 'but' +is terrible) she has not a single hair left on her head. Of course, she +wears a wig, but she has tried every possible thing, consulted the most +eminent specialists, to no avail. Her lover is returning very soon. He +knew she was ill, but does not know the terrible misfortune which has +befallen his beautiful _fiancee_. Will he marry her? Will his love be +powerful enough to overlook the loss of woman's best ornament on his +sweetheart's head? Will he be able to behold her with the wig off, and +say to her: 'I love you just the same?' In a melodrama he would, but +will _he_? I dare not answer the question. We do not live in heroic +times nowadays, and you must not ask too much of man. + +As physical beauty is an appanage far more precious to a woman than a +man, the question may perhaps be better put in the following manner: If +a man loves a woman, will her disfigurement--the loss of a limb, the +loss of her hair, deafness, blindness, or any other calamity of this +sort which may afflict her--destroy the love of that man for that +woman? + +It is all very well to say that love is the yearning of the soul, but +it must be admitted that the man himself is closely associated with it, +and that the face is the means of expressing what the soul feels. You +can softly whisper 'I love you' in a woman's ear; but if the poor thing +is deaf, you cannot shout these three words at her, much less blow them +through a trumpet. If you doubt me, try it in a play, and you will see +the effect it will infallibly produce on the audience. Why, they will +roar. Deafness is terrible, so dull, so prosaic, so suggestive of old +age; I have sometimes heard men wish their wives were dumb, but deaf +never. + +I remember once seeing a play at a Paris Boulevard theatre, frequented +by the emotional portion of the Parisian public, in which the heroine, +in the fourth act, appears with a thick veil over her face. She has had +small-pox and she is sadly disfigured for life; she expects her lover, +who is returning from the war. A year has elapsed since the curtain +went down over the third act; she has just received a letter announcing +his arrival safe and sound. She is happy, radiant; then she looks at +herself in a glass and weeps bitterly; she has told him of her illness, +but not of her misfortune; he knows nothing about it. Will he love her +still when he sees her, or will he go away from her? The suspense is +awful, and the situation dramatic. At last he appears on the threshold +of the door, and stretches out his arms to her; she remains speechless, +motionless, and the audience breathless. He rushes up to her to take +her in his arms. With a dramatic gesture of the hands she bids him +stand back. Then she tells him what has happened; but he is one of +those worthy, undaunted heroes of the Boulevard melodramas whose love +can triumph over all obstacles. He swears that it will make no +difference to his sentiments; she lifts up her veil; then he falls at +her feet and exclaims from the depths of his heart: 'I love you just +the same, my darling.' (Tableau, cheers, and applause.) Of course he +does not say to her that he finds her more beautiful than ever, and +that the marks suit her style of beauty and all that sort of thing, but +he swears again that his love has not altered, and the audience applaud +this lofty sentiment, and the women say: 'That's a man!' + +H'm! is it, though? + +A friend who was with me on that occasion, and who is a bit of a cynic, +said to me: 'There was only one possible _denouement_ for that play to +give satisfaction to an audience that must go home perfectly persuaded +that the hero and the heroine will be happy and in love with each other +for ever and ever. The author missed a fine dramatic curtain. As the +small-pox marks cannot be taken away, that man should have carried his +love for that girl further than he did. He should have torn his eyes +out in her presence. The sacrifice would have gone straight to her +heart, and would have made the continuation of his love possible.' + +'Well,' I said, 'yes, I see what you mean, but how do you know that the +girl would have cared to marry a blind man? Maybe her love would not +triumph over the difficulty.' + +I may tell you that I knew a loving married couple who ceased to love +each other, he because her hair turned white, and she because his +turned outwards. + +This is a psychological subject that may well puzzle the best +sociologist. + +I have not tried to answer the question, but merely intended to offer +it for discussion. + +However, this I will say to my fellow-men: 'I know how truly and deeply +you love your wives and sweethearts, but let me advise you: Don't try +the experiment; don't put your love to so severe a test. Take the +greatest care of the said wives and sweethearts, and see that no +accident happens to them, that no disease disfigures them or +permanently injures their health. This is wisdom.' + + + + +CHAPTER XI + +MAN VERSUS WOMAN IN LOVE + + How many times can a man and a woman love?--They love differently-- + A delicate question--'Lucky dog!'--The inexorability of the + virtuous woman. + + +Man is capable of love as earnestly as woman is; but love is not the +whole business of his life, whereas it is a woman's. When a child, she +loves her doll; when a girl, her mother; when a woman, a man. She can +feed on love and die of it. When a mother, she loves her children; when +she dies, surrounded by beloved grandchildren, she may say that her +life has been well filled. + +I believe that a woman can love more than once. I have known widows +remarry, and love their second husbands with the same devotion as their +first. + +A man really loves once only. I knew a man under fifty who was married +three times. He was a good and devoted husband to his three wives, but +he never really loved but the second. If he dies suddenly without +having time to take all his precautions, the portrait of his second +wife will be found on his heart. + +The reason of this is that men and women love in different ways. A man +loves because his whole being--heart, soul, and body--craves for a +woman. A woman often gives herself to a man because it pleases her to +be loved by him. For a man, love is the pleasure he feels in the +company of a woman; for a woman, it is the enjoyment of the pleasure +she gives to a man. A woman is proud to call herself a reward, and that +is why all heroes appeal to her so much. Mirabeau was the plainest of +men, with his face covered with smallpox marks, yet no man ever made so +many conquests among women. Successful generals, explorers, great +orators, authors, artists, singers, all appeal to women. They may not +love them personally, but it affords them great pleasure to be loved by +them. There is in every woman a craving for a man superior to herself, +and that is why women who try to dominate men are such dismal failures. + + * * * * * + +To a woman love is sacred, her food, her life. + +Never have a sneer at a woman or at a child. Whenever you feel +sarcastic, exercise your talents on something else. + +Never profane the words, 'I love you'; they may seal the fate of a +woman; but when you have uttered these three words in great +earnestness, and the woman has answered with that great religious, +almost sad, smile that Victor Hugo called 'the smile of angels,' when, +in a word, she is yours, place her on a pedestal, on an altar, and +worship her. The world has nothing better to offer you. + + * * * * * + +A man can cure a woman of a man. Nothing can cure a man of a woman, +unless it be that woman herself. + +While on the subject of love and tender relations, let me ask a +question of my lady readers: Which would you rather know, that the man +you love had broken his allegiance to you, but kept his heart faithful, +or that he had lost his heart with another woman, but kept his +'monastic' vows? A clever woman once answered me in the following +manner: 'If that man was my husband, I would much rather know that his +heart had gone from me for a time. If I was not married to him, I would +prefer to know that his heart had remained faithful.' + +Only I must warn you that if a man put this question to his wife, she +would probably say to him at once: 'Jack, which of the two are you +guilty of?' + +'In ninety cases out of a hundred,' says Paul Bourget, 'for a woman to +play her heart in the game of love is to play at cards with a sharper, +and gold against counterfeit pieces.' How true! for when the game is +over, society (which ought to be ashamed of itself in its treatment of +men and women) says of the man, 'Lucky dog!' but mocks at the woman who +has given way, puts her outside the pale when she forgets herself for +the moment, and turns away from her when she gives way to despair. Poor +woman! She cannot rebel, for if man is the cause of her downfall, it is +woman who becomes her bitterest enemy. There is no pity in the breast +of a woman for the woman who has fallen, unless she herself has had the +same sad experience. The virtuous woman is inexorable, although her +virtue is very often like a fortress which never had to capitulate for +the reason that it never was attacked. + +If I were a woman, oh, how I should hate women! + +Madame de Stael said that what consoled her to know that she was a +woman was that she would never have to marry a woman. + + + + +CHAPTER XII + +COURTING IN FRANCE AND ENGLAND + + Kneeling and sitting--The piquancy of French courting--The use of + the second person singular--The sealing kiss. + + +The art of courtship as practised in France and England leaves the +amorous Gaul sometimes at a decided disadvantage, and sometimes at a +marked advantage, by comparison with the Briton. On the whole, I think +honours are easy. Take the declaration of love. In France the foolish +animal has to go on his knees at the feet of the adored one, who +through her modestly drooping eyelashes can make an inventory of the +suitor's least defects--of the bald spot on his crown, his languishing +eyes, with their white turned up in the ardour of passion, maybe of the +little wart which will obtrude itself for observation, especially at +such a moment. The poor Frenchman is obliged to run the risk of making +himself very ridiculous. + +But now turn to England. There, if you would a-wooing go, you sit down +comfortably, very much at your ease, with the beloved object of your +dreams at your side, or sitting on a cushion at your feet. Thus +situated, you can murmur your soft whispers of love into her ears +without any risk of dislocating your spinal column. The ladies will +possibly think that the business is more nicely arranged in France, but +they will hardly get the other sex to agree with them. + +In America I never was able to make any observations on the subject. +Those provoking Yankees invariably waited until I had left their houses +to proceed to business. + +What adds, however, to the charm of the French system of making love is +that French girls do not enjoy the same freedom as English ones, and +that the declarations of love are made in the sweet moments stolen from +the watchfulness of their parents. + +What, for instance, would an English girl, or for that matter an +American one, think of the young lady in M. Victorien Sardou's comedy +of 'Old Bachelors,' who, finding herself alone with her lover--a lover +to whom she is engaged to be married--reproaches him with having +ventured into her presence when he knew that there was no one with her? + +'N'est-ce pas que c'est bon d'etre ensemble?' pleads the young man. + +'Je n'ai pas dit que ce ne fut pas bon,' replies the young lady in good +epigrammatic style; 'j'ai dit que ce n'etait pas bien.' + +To the Anglo-Saxon people who have not familiarized themselves with +French customs and modes of thought, it seems simply inconceivable that +a girl who intends to entrust to a particular man the happiness of her +life should think there could be danger, indiscretion, impropriety of +any, even the slightest kind, in talking to him for a few moments +without the presence of witnesses. + + * * * * * + +I have always pitied the English-speaking people for using the second +person singular only when addressing the Almighty. + +I am not speaking of poetry, of course, but of everyday conversational +prose. This second person singular seems to me indispensable for the +due expression of love. Where is the Frenchwoman who does not remember +with a thrill of pleasure the never-to-be-forgotten moment when her +lover, after many times saying to her 'Je vous aime,' got emboldened +enough, by her return of his deep affection, to change that 'Je vous +aime' into 'Je t'aime'? + +She knows that this change of person sealed her fate, that from the +very moment that second person singular was used she became his. 'Je +vous aime' will, of course, always appeal to the woman who loves the +man who utters these words; but when 'Je t'aime' is whispered into her +ears, she will close her eyes in ecstasy and be transported to heaven +as if for eternal bliss. + +This use of the second person singular in love affairs is not the only +superiority that the French have over the Anglo-Saxons in the +expression of the tender feelings. In England, and I believe also in +America, a woman is kissed on the lips by her father, mother, brothers +and lady and girl friends. Of course her lover will do the same, with +more ardour, more expression, more 'impressions;' but in France this is +very seldom the case. Girls are kissed on the forehead by their father, +and on the cheeks by all their other relatives and friends. Even a tiny +little girl, on being asked for a kiss, will offer her cheeks, never +her mouth. The lips are entirely reserved for Cupid. + +A French philosopher has said that when a woman has surrendered her +lips she has surrendered everything; but he is right only as far as his +countrywomen are concerned. Even after saying 'Je vous aime,' the +Frenchman will not dare kiss his sweetheart on the lips. It is only +after risking the sacred second person singular, 'Je t'aime,' that he +will venture to do so, and thus stamp her his. + +Well, after all is said and done, I have no doubt that Britons and +Americans find that the second person plural, for want of the second +person singular, answers the purpose well enough. And for ever and ever +men and women will love without attempting to discover new methods or +adopt foreign ones. The old story will ever be told; the old method +will ever do. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +THE WOMAN-HATER + + Should a woman marry a woman-hater?--The portrait of a woman-hater-- + The risk a woman runs in marrying a woman-lover--Take your chance, + don't cast your pearls before swine. + + +Should a woman marry a woman-hater? Yes, some people say, because he +will pay no attention to any other woman, and will be a faithful +husband in all the force of the expression. A woman-hater is _par +excellence_ a one-woman's man, and just the sort of man that a woman +should wish to marry. + +No, other people say, the woman-hater is a no-woman's man. A woman +should marry a lover of her sex, and feel proud to know that it is she +whom he prefers to all and loves best of all. Of course, they admit +that she will have to be careful and ever-watchful in order to keep +alive the interest which her husband takes in her and the affection +which he feels for her. But a woman-hater is a prig, and the male prig +is the last man that a woman should care to marry. + +I think the latter are right. The woman-hater hates all women, and will +never be capable of any love for his wife any more than for any other +woman. Only the sense of ownership will make him value her. He may like +her, be a good friend to her, a hard-working and devoted husband, but +he will never be a lover to her; and the husband who, during at least +the first fifteen years of his married life, cannot now and then be the +lover of his wife fails to give to that woman that bliss which is a +perfect compensation for all the troubles and miseries of that which +the Popes are fond of calling the Vale of Tears, and Mrs. Gamp 'the +Wale of Tears.' + +The woman-hater is a man who has never petted his mother, who has never +been the 'chum' of his sisters, who as a boy has despised girls, and as +a young man has treated them with disrespect and even contempt. This +kind of man has never once in his life given a thought to woman, has +never deemed it consistent with his dignity to devote a minute to the +study of her character. He has never given way to her charms, he has +never felt her influence, he has never learned to smile kindly at her +little foibles and fads. The idea has never occurred to him to indulge +her, to treat her, in turn, as a beloved child, even sometimes a +spoiled one, as a friend whose advice is worth following nine times out +of ten, as a sweet companion either for moments of pleasure or for +those of studious retirement. For him woman is a necessary evil. He +puts up with her, and is always glad when she is gone. She annoys him, +provokes him--nay, even shocks him, and her frivolity is for him a +constant source of torment. He breathes more freely when at last he is +left alone or finds himself in the company of men at his club. + +He is seldom generous, and is not infrequently a miser. + +The woman-hater is always conceited, and most generally selfish, and +conceit and selfishness are the two worst, the two most objectionable, +pieces of furniture in the household of a married couple. The +woman-hater is also dull, and often sulky, which is worse still. With +him there can be no cheerfulness in the house, and dulness is the +bitterest enemy of happiness in matrimony. + +The woman-hater has not a redeeming fault or foible which may enable +his wife to get hold of him. He has no weaknesses to make him lovable +or even tolerable. He is ironclad, and a woman cannot come near him +without getting a bruise of some sort or other. He will ever stand +before his wife a perfect model for her to look up to, and all her +pretty little womanly ways, being a closed letter to him, will be +wretchedly wasted on him. + +Like all conceited men, the woman-hater has no humour in him. He cannot +for the life of him see a joke. A frivolous remark will make him frown. +He is a moral man with a vengeance, but all his morality and all the +gold in the world are not worth the smile of a genial, cheerful +husband. And, worst of all, the woman-hater is generally dyspeptic, and +if a woman marries a dyspeptic man she is done for. + +The man-flirt is the most despicable creature on earth, but the +woman-hater is undoubtedly the most objectionable. + +Yes, my dear lady, avoid the woman-hater, and, above all, don't marry +him. Have to your wedded husband a lover of women, full of foibles and +weaknesses, a man who understands and appreciates women. It will depend +upon you whether that man will make the best of husbands or not. + +With a woman-lover marriage is a risk; with a woman-hater it is a +certainty. With the latter you will be casting pearls before swine. + +Marry the former and take your chance. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV + +WHAT DO WOMEN ADMIRE MOST IN MEN? + + People generally admire in others the qualities they do not + themselves possess--The sexes differ in their opinions of + infidelity and its causes--The eleventh commandment: Never confess. + + +I believe that what sexes admire most in the other are the qualities +which they do not generally possess themselves. For instance, a man +will always tell you that the qualities he admires most in a woman are +constancy, good, equal temper, and such others as his most flattering +friends would never accuse him of possessing. If, on the other hand, +you read the confession-books of women, you will invariably discover +that the qualities they most admire in men are generosity, +broad-mindedness, magnanimity, absence of prejudice, and a lofty sense +of justice, of toleration, and of forgiveness. Now, some women may +possess these qualities, but no one, I think, will say that they are +eminently feminine virtues. + +And it may also be added that what sexes hate most each in the other +are the very defects which they themselves not infrequently possess. +Out of twenty confession-books which I have this moment under my eyes, +and in which is to be found the question, 'What defect do you hate most +in man?' eighteen women have answered, 'Meanness.' That is just what +you would expect, now, don't you think so? + +Of course, there are women of whom it might be said, however +preposterous the remark may sound, that they are not only perfect +ladies, but also perfect gentlemen. These are glorious women. Now, +don't smile; I know what I am saying. When you say of a woman that she +is a perfect lady, the remark chiefly refers to her manners, the way +she dresses and behaves in society, etc. When you say of a man that he +is a perfect gentleman, it means that he is a man of considerate +feelings, generous, magnanimous even, a man who could not do anything +mean if he tried. + +A woman who receives an anonymous letter about her husband, puts it in +the fire, and never mentions the fact to him, behaves like a gentleman. +A man who receives an anonymous letter about his wife and shows it to +her is a cur. + +In a pretty play, the name of which escapes me just at present, a woman +has compromised herself with a man. A letter from that man is delivered +to her before her husband. The latter knows whom the letter is from. +His wife hands it to him. + +'My dear, this letter is addressed to you. I have no right to open it,' +says the husband. 'Don't you want to read it yourself?' + +The wife answers that she does not. + +'Very well,' he says; 'then there is only one thing to do.' + +And before her he throws it into the fire. + +All the women in the audience applaud. So they should; but how many of +them would behave in the same manner if such a letter from a woman came +to their husband? + +Meanness in a man is revolting to woman; but although many women cannot +be accused of the defect, it must be admitted that it is often found in +them. + +Many a man who was sure that his wife was in earnest love with another +man would be found ready to sacrifice himself and give his wife to that +man. A celebrated English writer did it. Under similar circumstances a +woman would rather give her husband or lover to the tiger of Mr. Frank +R. Stockton. + +A man will admit the possibility of his wife loving another man and +being loved by him. He may grieve over it, but he will not despise her +for it, or necessarily impute any low or degrading motive to her. But a +woman will never admit that her husband can have fallen in love with +another woman. She will only accuse him of being too amorous, and in +her eyes that other woman can only be a 'low creature.' She will not +stop a moment and reflect that by lowering that 'creature' she lowers +herself, since her husband, for a time at any rate, may prefer that +woman to her. + +It will not enter her head that, maybe, her husband goes down on his +knees and prays that he may forget that woman, but is conquered in the +struggle, and cannot resist the fascination. No; for her the woman is +an abandoned creature and her husband a blackguard. Every day in the +novels she reads, she will give her sympathies to a man who has met +with the misfortune which has befallen her husband and herself. + +She will forget that if there was no passion in this life, no human +weaknesses, no pits and falls in the path of man and woman, there would +be no drama, no great poetry--in fact, no literature, no art. + +She will admit that no heart (man's or woman's) is free from the danger +of being lost. She will admit that this may happen to any man, but not +to her husband. You may give her to read and study all the works of +Balzac, of Alexandre Dumas the younger, and of all the greatest +dissectors of the human heart; she will learn nothing. The mind of a +woman is a mixture of obstinacy and prejudice. When she reads the +accounts of the proceedings of the Divorce Court, she exclaims of the +respondent, if she be a woman: 'Poor thing! romantic, I suppose.' When +the respondent is a man, she dismisses the whole thing with: 'Man's a +beast.' She sometimes sympathizes with a co-respondent. + +What women admire particularly in men is indulgence, the spirit of +forgiveness, magnanimity. Their hero is the man of the play who, when +his wife, falling at his feet, shrieks, 'I am not guilty!' takes her +gently by the hand, embraces her, and whispers softly in her ears, like +Dr. Primrose to his misguided daughter: 'And if thou wert, child, am I +not here to protect thee, to comfort thee?' And, true enough, the +situation is pathetic, thoroughly human, and that husband's role is +sublime; but in real life not one woman out of a thousand would play +that part. + +For, even when woman forgives, it is out of consideration for her +children--for her own sake, as it were, in order to avoid a scandal, an +open avowal of the situation. She may forgive, but she will not forget. +It is true that in Mr. Arthur Pinero's beautiful play, 'The +Profligate,' the wife forgives, and tells her husband she will help him +bear it. But the offence was committed before the marriage. She has not +been personally wronged or deceived, except in her estimation of the +man she has married. Therefore she may forgive, although I do not envy +that man's future in matrimonial life. + +Conclusion: If a man should be unfortunate enough to deviate from the +path of virtue after entering the holy estate of matrimony, let him +follow the advice given by a great French jurisconsult to all prisoners +about to appear before their judges: 'Never confess.' Only a very lofty +woman will take him by the hand and, putting in the scales all he has +done for her in life, will say: 'It leans on the right side.' A _rara +avis_ this woman. + + + + +CHAPTER XV + +CAN GRATITUDE ENGENDER LOVE? + + Expecting gratitude is asking for the price of a service--Love + keeps out of it. + + +Has love anything to do with gratitude? In other words, does gratitude +engender love? No; to kill a woman's love for him a man has only to +keep on reminding her of what he has done to earn her gratitude, and by +the same means a woman will obtain the same result with a man. + +A woman will often hate a man who lavishes money upon her, and will +love the first man who comes along to whom she will owe no gratitude, +simply because the former degrades her by paying for her favours, +whereas the latter enables her to regain her independence and to raise +herself in her own estimation. + +A man who marries below his rank in society may be loved by his wife, +not because, but although, he has raised her to his rank. And a man +will seldom love a wife whom he has married for money, because by so +doing he has to a certain extent sold himself, and love never goes +abreast with either feelings of self-degradation or absence of respect +for the other party. This is why mesalliances, as a rule, turn out to +be very unhappy marriages. The best guarantee of happiness in +matrimonial life is the equal footing on which a husband and wife will +go through the years of their association. Neither of them must have a +feeling of owing anything to the other. It must be a partnership into +which each party has brought the same amount of capital. + +Gratitude will engender affection, devotion, great friendship, but not +love. Nay, I will go further and risk the following statement: Not only +gratitude does not engender love, but it will stand in its way. + +A woman does not love a man because she feels it is her duty to love +him. Love has nothing to do with duty. You cannot help falling in love +any more than you can help becoming gray or bald, and you may fall in +love against all the interests of your life. The more you argue against +love, the more you love. Love has nothing to do with arguing and +reasoning, any more than it has with duty and gratitude. You cannot +command love to come or go, and many a woman has been on her knees +praying that she might love a man to whom she owed a debt of gratitude, +but the prayer has seldom been heard. A woman will remain faithful to a +man out of duty or out of gratitude, but all that will not make her +love him. + +No, no; and I will also say that for a man to feel that he has to be +grateful to a woman is injurious to his love for that woman. He so +hates himself for being unable to do for her all he would like to do, +that he curses himself and fails to love her more for all her patience, +for all the devotion she shows to him through the hardships of life. A +man loves a woman all the more for all he can do for her, and so does a +woman a man. This is the natural consequence of the fact that we often +love people (not necessarily of the opposite sex), not for what they +actually do for us, but for what they allow us to do for them. M. +Perrichon, in 'Le Voyage de M. Perrichon,' by Labiche, a play worthy of +Moliere, had a daughter whose hand was sought by two suitors. One saved +his life; the other, more cunning, pretended to have his life saved by +him. Perrichon prefers the latter, simply because the first reminds him +that he cannot ride, and made a fool of him, while the second one made +a hero of him by enabling him to boast that he had saved a man's life. + +Now, this does not by any means show the better side of human nature. +But we are not writing a panegyric of man or woman: we are +philosophizing a bit, and seeking to speak the truth and our mind. Of +course it is possible, and I hope it is a fact, that a lofty, exalted +nature may love through gratitude; but lofty, exalted natures are the +exception. + +A man may win the love of a woman by risking his own life to save hers; +but in this case it is not only gratitude that engenders love; it is an +act of heroism, and an act of heroism will always appeal to a woman. On +the other hand, a wounded soldier may fall in love with a woman who +nurses him; but in this case it is the sweet ministration of a tender +woman, nursing--that most womanly role, that of an angel--that will +appeal to man, not gratitude pure and simple. + +I have known men fall in love with girls of low character, have them +educated--physically, mentally, and intellectually--and marry them, +with the most disastrous results. + +Of course, when people already love, gratitude will increase their love +for the one they owe it to; what I mean to say is, that if love does +not exist, it is not gratitude that will engender it. + +Love is inspired by an exaltation that makes us feel better or greater. +Gratitude, like pity, makes us look smaller; that is why gratitude does +not, and cannot, engender love. + +A cynic once remarked that ingratitude was the independence of the +heart. He might have added that gratitude, by attempting to force the +heart, fails to touch it in the tender relations between man and woman. + + + + +CHAPTER XVI + +DOES MARRIAGE HELP A MAN? + + In social life--In commercial life--In literary and artistic + life--Matrimony is a highly respectable institution. + + +Does marriage help a man? + +Well, if he marries a rich wife, of course it does; but, you see, money +helps wherever it comes from, and so we must put this consideration out +of the question altogether. + +Let us also say, and at once, too, that if a man finds happiness in +matrimony, marriage will help him, whatever his position may be; but +happiness helps wherever it comes from, and so we must put this +consideration out of the question also. + +And before answering the question, or rather, before presenting +arguments both in the affirmative and in the negative, we must examine +the different positions that a man may occupy in life. + +In commercial pursuits marriage will help a man. If money-making is the +chief concern of his life, an attentive, interested, saving wife will +enable a man to devote all his mind to business, and, by a careful +management of her house, will also enable him to amass wealth. + +If a man holds a post of responsibility--a Government one, for example, +in the Diplomatic Service, in the Civil Service, in the Church, in the +university professions--a wife, possessed of attractive charms, amiable +and tactful, will help him; for let us remember that in England, as +well as in all countries where it is sought to always appoint the right +man in the right place, before deciding on a candidate for any +important vacant post, the first question that is asked is, 'What kind +of a wife has he got?' The kind of wife that will help such a man is +the one that will help him socially and diplomatically--by +wire-pulling, if you like. + +Now, if interviewers set any value on their comfort--nay, on their +lives--I advise them to avoid this topic; for the question is not only +a very big one, but a very uncomfortable one indeed, considering that +the very men who are called upon to answer it must naturally be married +men. + +To prove this, I will, in a few words, put down a little conversation I +quite recently had on the subject over a cup of tea with a charming +English lady. + +'But,' she said, 'you do not answer my question--Does marriage help a +man?' + +'Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It depends a great deal on the +profession, or the calling, of the man.' + +'Well, a doctor, for instance?' + +'Yes,' I said, 'marriage helps a doctor. It stamps him respectable, and +many women will not consult a doctor unless they know that he is a +married man; but white hair will help him quite as much.' + +'That is not very promising,' said the lady. + +'Well,' I replied, 'let us try again.' + +'Surely women can do much to inspire, to encourage a man, whatever his +work may be?' + +'Yes, a sympathetic woman can do a great deal; but it is very difficult +to quite determine what effect her help may have upon her husband's +work during the various critical periods of his career. There may have +been days when, without her encouragement, he would have lost faith in +himself, but such cases are rare. Then you speak of artists, of people +who live by praise, feed on it. I have known painters who looked for +and found such encouragement from their wives. On the other hand, I +have known others who sought solitude when at work, men who could not +have expressed their message unless alone with their art. I have known +authors who looked for inspiration from their wives, or thought they +did, and I have known others who could not do a stroke of work unless +they were absolutely left alone with their thoughts.' + +'But if a wife makes a man happy, that alone surely helps him?' + +'Of course it does; but the married man has far greater +responsibilities than the single one, and he may be obliged to produce +for the sake of filling many little hungry mouths. And another thing +you must remember that the single man can command the interest of a +great number of women who would not care to be interested in his wife, +and very few wives will realize that they may not be as interesting as +their husbands. This will cause trouble--unpleasantness, at least--and +stand in the way of a man's success.' + +'Then,' said the lady, 'let us change the question. Does marriage +hamper a man?' + +'Undoubtedly there are professions which seem to necessitate +bachelorhood, where marriage is not only no help, but a handicap. A +soldier, for instance, should not marry, for a married soldier, good +fighting-man though he may be, never can forget the wife, and perhaps +the little ones, at home.' + +'I take it,' said my lady interlocutor, 'that you do not advocate +marriage for the rising poet, painter, dramatist, or novelist?' + +'I do not advocate marriage for any man that is too susceptible or who +has the artistic temperament too strongly developed. The man who is +strong enough to achieve great things is strong enough to achieve them +alone--that is, unless he is fortunate enough to meet the exceptional +woman. Lord Byron said that nothing can inflict greater torture upon a +woman than the mere fact of loving a poet. This is not due to the +heartless or deliberate cruelty of the poet. He himself is to be pitied +for being a martyr, the slave of art. It is the natural depth of a +poet's emotions to fall in love with every lovely woman. The higher we +rise in the intellectual scale, says a modern writer, the more varied, +complex, and deep are the emotional groups which delight and torment +the soul. Mental work does not extinguish passions; it feeds the +flames, on the contrary, and unfits the brain-owner for matrimony. Only +people who have uneventful, almost humdrum, lives are good subjects for +matrimony and perfectly happy in marriage.' + +'Then you do not admit the existence of the man who needs the quiet +sympathy of a good domestic wife before his art becomes fully +articulate?' + +'No, because the artist constantly wants stimulants, and a domestic +life is not stimulating. Now, do not misunderstand me. Marriage can +make a man very happy, including the man with the strong artistic +temperament, but I don't think that it helps him. I have come across +hundreds of cases where artistic and literary efforts have been +checked, and sometimes killed outright, by the petty cares and worries +of domestic life. The brain-worker is very easily irked and tormented +by the most trivial things. He is irritable and most sensitive. I have +known literary men put right off their work for days simply because +devoted wives came into their studies, and, after giving them an +encouraging kiss, carried off their pens to make out their washing +list. I have known painters whose faculties were positively benumbed by +the presence of their wives. I have known dramatists who could never +set to work in earnest before they had sent their families into the +country or had themselves left home far behind them; and, mind you, +these men were all fond of their wives.' + +'You are not encouraging.' + +'Will you have a cup of tea?' + +'Thank you, with pleasure; but does marriage----' + +'Do you take sugar?' + +'If you please; but are there not cases----' + +'And cream?' + +'Please. Now, tell me----' + +'What I think of the Paris Exposition?' + +'Before I go, can't you say something nice about matrimony?' + +'Yes, madame: Matrimony is highly respectable.' + + + + +CHAPTER XVII + +THE GOOSE AND THE GANDER + + The case for man, the defendant--Freemasonry between women--Which + is right?--Influence of plumage--The female bird--Man is not + invariably wrong--'What is good for the goose is good for the + gander'--But there is a difference between the goose and the + gander. + + +Women, who seldom miss an opportunity of picking one another to pieces, +invariably stand shoulder to shoulder (as much as the shape of their +sleeves will allow them to do) when the question to decide is whether +it is a man or a woman who is in the wrong. The freemasonry between +women goes as far as that and no further. + +The Queen of Roumania, well known to literary fame as Carmen Sylva, +declares that the reason for a wife's infidelity is to be laid at her +husband's door, and the assertion is laid down as a rule by the royal +authoress. In so saying, the Queen of Roumania makes herself the +mouthpiece of her sex; for most women, if not absolutely all, are of +her opinion, that the wickedness of man is responsible for all the +vices, faults, and even shortcomings of woman. + +On the other hand, I have always heard men say that a man will stay at +home if his wife makes his house attractive and cheerful, and herself +pleasant in it. + +It is the same story, the eternally same story. + +The man stays at his club and returns home at one o'clock a.m. because +Madame is dull and sulky. The woman is dull and sulky because Monsieur +stays at his club and does not return home before one o'clock. + +Now, which is right? or rather, which of the two began? A prejudiced +person of the male gender will say: + +'It is the women's fault.' + +A prejudiced person of the female persuasion will answer: + +'No, the men's, of course.' + +(Women in their arguments always add, 'Of course.') + +A fair-minded person of either sex will probably say: 'Out of that +equal number of men and women, half the women are right, and half the +men are not wrong.' + +All this leads us to a very serious question: Of man or woman, which is +the more responsible of the two for the continuance and eventually the +long duration of happiness in matrimony? + +And as women are ever airing their grievances on the subject, let us +try to plead a little the cause of that poor, often too much abused +creature that Madame Sarah Grand delights in calling 'Mere Man,' and +let us do so in a friendly spirit, in an unconventional, intimate sort +of way. + +If women have their grievances against Nature, men have theirs, too. +Nature has, indeed, treated men in a far less generous manner than the +other male members of the animal kingdom. The female bird, for +instance, is plain. She has no voice and no glorious feathers. All the +fascinating power of beautiful song, gorgeous plumage and graceful +demeanour was given to the male. It is he who has to win, and Nature, +knowing this, has endowed him with the means of conquest. Not so with +us. Man is about the ugliest creature of all that breathes on the face +of the earth, and woman was intended to attract and charm him, and, in +order to enable her to do so, Nature has given her a beautiful face, a +divine figure and a taste for attractive plumage. During the +seventeenth and eighteenth centuries men paid attention to their dress, +which, in many respects, was as attractive and fascinating as that of +women. But now! Man is a guy, a cure, a remedy for love-sickness, and I +sometimes wonder how it is that women think his conquest worth making. +To make himself lovable, man has to turn himself inside out; for only +his moral and intellectual qualities can help him to get at a woman's +heart. Soldiers are supposed to be more successful with women than any +other men because their profession appeals to the minds of women; but I +can't help thinking that their uniform has a great deal to do with it. + +Now, if Nature has endowed woman with the powers of charming man by her +amiability and winning grace, who is to blame if she does not avail +herself of all these advantages, and does not use them carefully, +discreetly, skilfully, to prevent love from flagging and cooling in +matrimony? + +Of course, intelligent women feel, after the wedding ceremony is over, +that a man's love is not secured by a few sacramental words pronounced +by a priest in solemn tones and in the presence of many witnesses. She +soon discovers that man is not like woman; she understands, as the male +bird does, that plumage has a great deal to do in order to excite +happiness and keep it alive in matrimony, and that her cheerfulness and +tactful ways will obtain what remonstrances and sulks will invariably +fail to secure. + +There is no doubt that many women, women spoiled by loving husbands, by +lover-husbands especially, become dull and irritable when the husbands +do not exactly detach themselves from their wives, but, through +circumstances too numerous to enumerate, pass from the stage of lovers +to that of friends. + +Women are, as a rule, the embodiment of prejudice, and they will not +understand. There is seldom any philosophy in them, and, when they do +understand, they will not resign themselves cheerfully to the +inevitable, and either make a careful study of the position and see the +only possible way to revive what appears to be dying, or make the best +of what, after all, is still worth having, the friendship and the +protection of a devoted husband who has worked for them and made their +life secure. No, they will sulk and make things wretched and hopeless. + +Man is not invariably wrong, and he is not to be blamed for his +coldness any more than he is to be blamed or scolded for his want of +appetite. Perhaps if the dinner had been prepared with more care, he +would have eaten it with avidity. + +A great French poet says that happy nights make happy days in +matrimony. I do not think that he is right. I rather believe in the +reverse: Cheerful days, spent in delightful companionship, will make +later meetings perfectly delicious. But it is on the woman, much more +than on the man, that this happy result depends. There is no conceit on +the part of a man in saying so. This line of conduct is dictated by the +difference which exists between a man and a woman. + +I am ready to admit that women have grievances in this respect; but +they are not of man's making, they are of Nature's, and no blame can be +attached to man for it. How many couples, wretched and miserable, could +be happy if women could, or would, realize the truth of this statement! +But, as a rule, they will not. Their motto is, 'What is good for the +goose is good for the gander.' + +But it isn't. + +_Non_, madame, the gander, unfortunately for your sex, is not +constituted like the goose, and it is for him an impossibility to eat +the dish you offer him if his appetite is not tempted. _You_ can, but +he cannot. The whole problem of happiness in matrimony lies in this +nutshell. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + +DOES JEALOUSY COME FROM TRUE LOVE? + + The different kinds of girls that men seek in matrimony--Jealousy + is intensified, not created, by love--Why should not a married man + continue to admire women?--I want to knock down a newly-married + woman's husband--'Who would "polyg" with him?' + + +There are men who would not think of courting a woman with a view to +marrying her if they knew she had been engaged before. On the contrary, +there are others who marry women who have spent their girlhoods in +flirting and have been engaged a dozen times. These women seem to have +a special sort of attraction for men who feel proud of winning a +'prize' that has been so much sought after, and who are very much like +those people who do not know the value of a picture until, at a sale, +they hear men bid higher and higher for the purchase, and conclude +that the picture must be a priceless treasure. So they bid higher still, +and get it. As a rule, these men are remarkable neither for their +intelligence nor for their appreciation of true womanhood. + +This remark, however, would apply to Englishmen or Americans rather +than to Frenchmen, because in France, when a girl has been engaged, she +has only met her _fiance_ in the presence of her parents, whereas in +England or America the young people have had lonely and sentimental +walks together, indulged in many little familiarities--proper, no +doubt, but still familiarities, all the same; and the young Anglo-Saxon +girl who has been engaged is a flower whose bloom has been a little +rubbed off. In the eyes of the real, true man, she has lost--indeed, +she _must_ have lost--some of her value, a bit of her innocence, as it +were. How can a man marry such a girl and run the risk, when he gives +her a kiss, of hearing her exclaim: 'Oh, Jack used to give me much +better kisses than that!' He must be a very brave man, one very sure of +himself, who is not afraid of competition, or a very conceited, if not +a very foolish, one. + +Not only are there men who court women because they are run after, but +there are some who never really fall in love with their wives until +they have some serious reasons to be jealous of them. Then, and then +only, do they seem to realize that their wives must possess some +attractions, since other men are attracted by them. But this sentiment +I should not care to call love, but rather false pride, because that +man might have exactly the same feeling toward a horse or a dog the +possession of which other men envied him. Many a man, on hearing the +beauty of his wife praised, has said to himself: 'I wonder if it is +true. I must have a look at her.' + +I have heard many men and women say that there is no love without +jealousy--in fact, that jealousy is the natural consequence of love. +St. Augustine said: 'He that is not jealous is not in love.' I believe +these people are wrong, including St. Augustine, before whose authority +on love and women I decline to bow. There is no room for jealousy in +the heart that loves really and truly. There is no real love where +there is no _abandon_ and complete confidence. + +Jealousy may be intensified by love, but not created by it. Jealousy is +a characteristic of men and women which manifests itself in love as it +does in friendship and in every phase of life. Love gives it a special +opportunity, but it existed before the man or the woman was in love. +Such men and women, who are jealous of their wives and their husbands, +were jealous before of their brothers, sisters, or acquaintances, +whenever they imagined that they were displaced by them in the +affections of the family or of their friends. + +That man who is jealous of his wife because he imagines, rightly or +wrongly, that she receives and accepts the attentions of other men, +will also probably be jealous of her if his children show preference to +her or bestow more attentions on her than on him. Othello is a jealous +brute who might have murdered a General in the Venetian army who had +been promoted to a rank he would have considered himself entitled to. + +And when people are jealous in love, what fools they are to let it be +seen! What an idiot that man is who lets his wife suppose that he +thinks she could prefer another man to him! Suggestions are terrible. +What a poor diplomatist that woman is who does not let her husband +think that she takes it for granted no woman could have in his eyes +the charms she possesses! Jealousy can only suggest to men and women +actions which would revolt them if they had absolute confidence in each +other. + +In love, however, jealousy should not be condemned too severely. A +little of it, just a little, adds piquancy. It then becomes an emotion, +a stimulant, that rouses desire, something like that short absence +which the Italians call the _dolce piccante_, and which many +artistically constituted lovers will take now and then merely to +increase the pleasure of reunion. Epicures will do it, and invariably +with success. A diplomatist, who loves his wife, and is sure to be +loved by her, may cure her of a passing little coldness by openly +paying innocent attentions to another woman. And who is the man who is +such a strict monogamist that he cannot admire--in a platonic way, of +course--other women besides the one he loves? And who is the woman who +is not aware of that? I remember, a few years ago, greatly admiring a +beautiful American girl, daughter of a great friend of mine. When, the +following year, I went to America again, she introduced me to her +husband. Did I admire that girl? Yes, immensely. Did I love her? +Certainly not. Yet my first impulse was to knock down her husband. That +is all I mean by saying that very few men are strict monogamists. + + * * * * * + +A little anecdote, _a propos_ of polygamy, to finish. + +Not long ago one of the most popular novelists of England was calling +on a lady, one of the most popular novelists of America. That +Englishman is, perhaps, the plainest man I have ever set my eyes on. +He, too, held, in conversation, that every man was born a polygamist. +The lady said nothing. But when he had gone, she turned towards her +guests, and said: 'Well, I should like to know who would "polyg" with +him!' + + + + +CHAPTER XIX + +DO WOMEN DRESS TO PLEASE MEN? + + The female attire--Women dress for breakfast and undress for + dinner--You don't know them from Eve--Society likes to be + exposed--How French, English, German and American women + dress--Simplicity in dress the coquetry of some women--What would + happen if two women remained alone on the face of the earth. + + +Never in the history of female attire have women dressed so exquisitely +as they do in this year of grace 1901. The figure is gracefully +accentuated; all the sculptural lines are discreetly indicated without +any exaggeration. No more bustle, no more outrageous sleeves, no more +deformities of any sort. Many a woman would have been in despair if +Nature had made her as fashion has often made her appear. + +To-day it is the female form divine, beautifully draped in beautiful +limp materials of soft, delicate hues, gracefully relieved by lovely +lace and refined trimmings, the whole with a touch of simplicity that +never fails to enhance the beauty of the wearer. No, never since the +classical days of Athenian dress have women looked so beautiful as they +do now. + +The majority of us men are, I believe, conceited enough to think that +women dress and try to look as beautiful as possible to please us. My +firm conviction is that women dress to please themselves--or to kill +other women with envy. To the question, Do women dress to please men? I +answer most emphatically, No, they do not. Quite the contrary. + +And now, may I be permitted to remark that when I reflect that Eve, +after eating an apple, discovered that she was naked, I cannot help +thinking that a little bite at that fruit might be of service to many +ladies before they leave their dressing-rooms to go to a ball, a +theatre, or a dinner party? Is it that the fashion of the day requires +the train to be so long that there remains no material to make a +corsage with? From the way in which women dress in the evening, you +might almost mistake them for Eve. + +The fact is that it is practically impossible for you to say what it is +that the women wear around a dinner-table. Women dress for breakfast +and undress for dinner. As for the sight offered to our gaze from the +boxes at the opera, we might as well be in a Turkish bath. And the most +amusing and edifying part of it is that this fashion is more +flourishing in puritanical England than in any country I know, and that +most of those beautiful daughters of Albion whom you see so much of are +the very same ones who are presidents, vice-presidents and secretaries +of the societies for the suppression of the nude in the public parks, +the museums and art-galleries and other British institutions for the +suggestion of indecency. + +Who says that the world is sad? + +'Society ought to be exposed,' I once remarked to a beautiful member of +the English aristocracy, 'for giving that bad example.' 'You are quite +right,' she said; 'but that will do no good, because I believe that +there is nothing that English society enjoys more than being exposed.' +'Evidently!' I thought, as I looked at the glorious shoulders exposed +to my gaze. + +I was quite right when I once exclaimed: 'Provided an English woman +does not show her feet, she is safe and feels comfortable.' + +In the way of dressing, of all the women of Europe and America, the +Germans are the worst, the French the best, and the Americans the +smartest. The German women are covered, the English clothed, the +Americans arrayed, and the French dressed. I am not now speaking of +high life--these people are the same all the world over; and whenever a +writer publishes a criticism on the life and manners of any nation he +ought to place the following epigraph at the top of every page he +writes, so that the reader may not lose sight of it: 'All civilized +nations in the world are alike in one respect: they are composed of two +kinds of people--those that are ladies and gentlemen, and those that +are not.' Then there could be no misunderstanding about what he writes. + +I think it is acknowledged that the French women are the best dressed +women in the world, and that French dressmakers are the authority on +what should be worn and how it should be worn. Next I should say +decidedly the American woman. In the United States the latest French +fashions are worn in all their freshness and glory, but too often with +exaggeration. And, when the French fashions are already outrageous in +their extravagance of style and size, then the Lord help the American +women! I shall never forget the remark that that most delightful of men +and writers, Oliver Wendell Holmes, made to me some years ago, as we +were talking on the subject of women's dress: 'By the time a French +milliner has been six months in New York she will make you a bonnet to +frighten a Choctaw Indian.' But then, Dr. Holmes was a refined +Bostonian. + +The French woman, at an afternoon or evening party, may be as +beautifully and stylishly dressed as you like, there is always about +her dress a certain little touch of simplicity that will make you think +that somewhere in her wardrobe she keeps some frock or gown still more +beautiful, stylish and expensive. Very often at breakfast-time an +American woman will make you think that she has on her very best and +smartest dress. I have seen some at the leading hotels of Jacksonville +and St. Augustine, Florida, with diamond brooches and bracelets at +breakfast. The American woman has a supreme contempt for what is not +silk, satin, velvet or crepe de chine. She generally looks dressed for +conquest. With her it is paint and feathers and hooray all the time! On +board a steamer across the Atlantic she wears silk and fifty-dollar +hats. But, of course, these ladies do not belong to the Olympian sets. + +I have mentioned all this because woman's character is very much the +same all over this little planet of ours. Now, of all these women, the +Americans are those who devote most time and spend most money over +their appearance, and as they would be least of all accused of thinking +for one moment how they look for the sake of the men, I say I have +proved my answer to be right, that women do not dress for men. + +Indeed, if the end of the world were to witness the presence of two +women only on the face of the earth, each would be discovered striving +to outshine the other and look the better dressed of the two. + + + + +CHAPTER XX + +THE FRENCH WIFE + + Her keenness and common-sense--Her power of observation and her + native adaptability--Her graceful ways--Her tact--Her artistic + refinement--Monsieur et Madame--'Did I hear you knock at my door, + dear?' + + +The wealthy classes of society in every civilized nation in the world +are so much alike in their manners, habits, and customs, that they +offer very little food to the observer of national characteristics. The +men follow the London fashions, the women the Paris ones. They all +cultivate sport, art, and literature; they all enjoy the same luxuries +of life, they all have good cooks, they all have discovered the same +way of living. If you want to see how differently people live in +France, in England, in Germany, in Italy, in America, wherever you +like, live among the middle and lower classes. Once, in South Africa, I +spent a whole day in a Zulu kraal, living with the natives and like the +natives, and I found that day spent in a far more interesting manner +than if I had spent it among the hosts of the Faubourg Saint-Germain, +Mayfair, or Fifth Avenue. + +France is the only country that I know where, outside of the +aristocracy and the wealthy classes, you can find people who live +daintily. The French labourer eats a more appetizing dinner than +English and German well-to-do shopkeepers eat and than is served in the +hotels of the small American towns. That French labourer would refuse +to swallow, and even to look at, that wretched meal which I have seen +English working-men eat at noon, when resting their backs against a +wall or fence on the road--bread and pickles, or a slice of something +looking very much like cat's-meat, and stale beer that had been stewing +for hours in the sun in a badly-corked can. + + * * * * * + +The French wife, immensely superior to her husband in intelligence, +in shrewdness, in _savoir vivre_ and _savoir faire_, thanks to her +common-sense, her knowledge of financial matters, her instinct for good +order and management, her artistic refinement, her keen power of +observation, her native adaptability, her talent for cookery, makes a +husband enjoying but a small income lead the life that a rich foreigner +might envy. + +She may have two dresses and one hat only to her name, but, by constant +skilful changes, the little humbug will make you believe that she +possesses a well-furnished wardrobe. It is not the cowl that makes the +monk any more than it is the dress that makes the woman. A woman is +stylish or not, according to the manner she puts her clothes on, and +that is where the French woman is irresistible. To lift her dress +modestly, gracefully, and daintily as she crosses a muddy street, she +has not her equal in the world. She has a little bustling, fluttering +way about her that will always keep your interest in her alive. She is +always tidy and smart, her hair well dressed, her hands well gloved, +her stockings well drawn, and her dainty little feet well shod. When +she speaks to you, you can seldom guess, from the way she is dressed, +from the way she behaves, from the language she uses, whether she is +the wife of what society calls a gentleman or not. + +She has the knack, the inborn genius, for getting twenty sou worth out +of every franc she spends. She is no snob, does not play at At Homes, +and saves her tea and sugar, which in France are expensive luxuries. +She does not play the piano, and saves her husband's ears. She makes +her own frocks, and saves dressmakers' bills; she eats light, healthy +meals of her own make, and saves cooks' wages; she goes to bed early, +and saves her candles. She is rich, as most of us might be, not in what +she actually possesses, but in what she knows how to do without. Thanks +to that woman, a Frenchman who has L100 to spend in the year lives like +an Englishman who has an income of L500. + +In the most modest little flat she has her dressing-room, out of which +she issues in the morning neatly trimmed, a perfect transformation. She +will do without a drawing-room, but never without a dressing-room, for +she understands to a supreme degree that poetry of matrimony which has +not two years to live if the apartment does not possess a +dressing-room. + +Better than that, the French wife of that class will play at being an +aristocrat, if you please. She will insist on having Monsieur's +apartment and Madame's apartment quite separate, so that they shall not +be compelled to impose their society on each other if they don't feel +in the mood. + +And in that very humble class of French society I know men who are +trained to knock at the door of their wives' apartments in good +Faubourg Saint-Germain style, when they wish for the company of Madame. + +And if Monsieur should fail to knock at Madame's door when the latter +would be pleased to receive his attentions and enjoy the pleasure of +his company, it is just possible that she would go to her husband's +_appartements_, knock at his door gently and discreetly, and whisper: +'Did I hear you knock at my door just now, dear?' + +'Silly nonsense!' some people will say. + +Well, my dear friends, let me tell you that happiness is made up of +thousands of little foolish trifles of that sort. + + + + +CHAPTER XXI + +THE ENGLISH WIFE + + Her position--Family life less attractive and piquant in England + than in France, but more solid--The English wife is the goddess of + a beautiful home. + + +The Englishman is no doubt cut out to make colonies, but less to make +love, for the simple reason that he does not know how to forget +himself, and spends the greater part of his life standing sentry at the +door of his dignity. + +The Englishman loves in his own fashion, in a true and manly way, +according to his peculiar organization, which enables him to bring to +the choice of a wife the very same cool reflection, care and +discernment that he brings to all the other actions of his life. In a +word, he seldom allows himself to be 'carried away.' + +This is a great superiority he has over the Frenchman, because this +cool and reflective way of loving has established the English family on +a most solid basis. The Englishman does not seek beauty in a wife. +After being married he wants to enjoy a perfect peace of mind, and, to +do him justice, I will add that money will seldom make him take a wife +who does not possess those moral and intellectual qualities that are +the foundation-stone of happiness in matrimonial life. A cheerful face +will attract him much more than a beautiful one. It is a cheerful and +useful companion he wants, not a legal mistress or a well-dressed doll. + +His honeymoon lasts a month. When he settles at home, he prepares to +keep his wife in order and discipline, and to give her occupations to +fill up all her time--a house to keep and a large family to bring up. +Devotion and friendship are nowhere deeper than in the English family, +but poetry and piquancy shine by their absence. It is a prosy life +among the masses of the people. + +Among these masses, even the well-to-do masses, of the people (I don't +mention the upper tens, who are alike all the world over) there is no +privacy between them--why, very often, not even a dressing-room. + +The 'nonsense,' as I once heard an Englishman call the poetry of +matrimony, is soon knocked out of them. One says, 'Oh, that's all +right. It is not a man; it's only my husband'; while the other says, 'I +would not do this or that before a woman for all the world; but this is +the wife: it's all right.' And it is that kind of life that so often +causes Englishwomen of the middle class to appear so unattractive. The +blame is to be laid at the door of their husbands. In love the +Englishman is a little selfish. He forgets that the sweetest pleasures +are those we give. + + * * * * * + +When the French girl marries, she gains her liberty; when the English +girl marries, she often loses hers (when the American girl marries, she +retains hers). In France the wife is the friend and confidante of her +husband and often his mistress. In England she is the mistress of the +house only. And this is not always a sinecure; for she becomes +something more than a house-keeper in point of rank, but at the same +time something less, if we consider that no wages are due to her and +that she cannot give notice to leave. + +In England the wife is the partner of her husband at home only. In +France she is his partner in business. It is she who keeps his books +and his cash-box, and neither was ever entrusted to better +guardianship. + +An Englishman gives his wife so much a month for housekeeping and so +much for dressing and pocket money. One morning he tells her they are +going to remove to a sumptuous home. She did not know he was making his +fortune. Or maybe he will tell her at breakfast: 'I have lost +everything. We must go to Australia and start a new life.' She did not +know they were on the way to ruin; so she merely replies: 'Very well, +John. Give me time to put on my hat.' + +When things are prosperous and matrimonial life happy, the Englishwoman +makes the best of wives. Her mission, which she understands so well, is +to cheer her husband in the comfort of his home and make him forget the +worry, annoyance and heartburnings that beset him out of doors in his +public, professional or commercial life; to provide for him a retreat +in the soothing atmosphere of which he can find rest and renovated +strength; to do the honours of his house with that liberality, that +provident and large-hearted hospitality, which is only to be found in +England. Such is the mission of the English wife. 'The companions of +John Bull are beautiful, healthy girls, perhaps a little too bold; +virtuous wives, perhaps a trifle too respected; excellent mothers, +perhaps a little too neglected; above all, women whose ingenious +attention to all the minor comforts of existence can turn the humblest +cottage into a little palace of order, cleanliness and well-being.'[1] + +The more I examine the constitution of the English family, the more +deeply convinced I become that it is the very pedestal on which stand +solid the prosperity and the greatness of the British Empire. + + [1] 'John Bull and his Island.' + + + + +CHAPTER XXII + +THE BRITISH MATRON + + The English woman the most charming of women--The British the most + ridiculous one--English and British--The British matron is the + produce of British soil--Her ways--Her fads and inconsistency--Her + knowledge of French literature and her judgment thereof. + + +When an Englishman, speaking of a woman, says, 'She is a thorough +Englishwoman,' that is the greatest compliment he can pay to a +countrywoman of his. It means the embodiment of all that is refined and +delicate in a woman, of all the best domestic virtues, and of a style +of beauty not so piquant, perhaps, as that of the belles of America and +Southern Europe, but the beauty of delicate, regular features, clear +skin, classical, sculptural outlines and an expression of repose, of +modesty, and of healthy simplicity of life. In the eyes of English +people the words 'English' and 'perfect' are synonymous. For once they +are fairly right. I have said it elsewhere: 'When an Englishwoman is +beautiful, she is beyond competition, she is a dream, a perfect angel +of beauty.' When she is ugly--the Lord help her!--she has not a +redeeming feature, not even that intelligent, bright expression which +saves the plainest American woman from hopelessness. + +When an Englishman, speaking of a woman, says, 'She is a regular +British matron,' that means the embodiment of all that is ridiculous in +a woman--of all the British fads, social, religious, artistic (or, +rather, inartistic), the everlasting laughing-stock of all the comic +papers in the world. The English people call themselves Britons or +Britishers when they want to make fun of themselves. In their eyes, the +words 'British' and 'ridiculous' are pretty nigh being synonymous, +except when the word 'British' is used as a patriotic adjective. They +say the 'British Empire,' a 'British soldier,' a 'British General,' but +they would not say a 'British bishop.' No, they would say 'English'--it +sounds more sober and respectful to their ears. 'English Society' means +the upper ten, the pick of society. On the other hand, an English +author who had failed to be appreciated by the public might say: 'What +can you expect from the British public?' And he would mean, like in the +song, 'that pig of a public, that ass of a public.' + +The British matron is not necessarily old, not even elderly. She is a +product of the soil, not an evolution or a result, and she may be +blooming at thirty. + +Cant and inconsistency are the characteristic traits of the British +matron. It is she who writes to the papers to demand of the Town +Councils the exclusion of statues from the public parks, and of the +museum curators the exclusion of the nude from the picture and +sculpture galleries; and it is she who, at balls, theatres and +dinner-parties, astonishes the world with the display of her charms. It +is she who holds up her hands in holy indignation at the sight of men +and women bathing in Continental and American seaside resorts, +forgetting to observe and mention that at those places both sexes are +dressed exactly alike, in dark, thick serge costumes, which invariably +have a skirt; and it is she whom you may see on English beaches bathe +in light, clinging, salmon-pink calico tights. I hope that my readers +of puritanical proclivities will feel obliged and grateful to me for +not giving that attire the name that would describe it best, that of an +article of underclothing which you may see on the ladies' washing-list. + +The British matron is a keenly sensitive person. She may not take any +notice of such pieces of news as cases of starvation in the midst of +London, of cruelty to wives, of Turkish or Chinese atrocities, and all +that sort of everyday intelligence which she may read in the daily +press; but she will air her Homeric indignation if she hears that an +operation has been performed on a rabbit without giving anaesthetics to +poor 'bunny.' She is the champion of dogs, cats, horses, rabbits, +birds, and is invariably a member of the Royal Society for the +Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, a society which includes neither men +nor women among its proteges. In spite of that, the British matron +witnesses pigeon-shooting matches, eats _pate de foie gras_ (which +is obtained by slowly killing a goose inside a hot oven), wears furs +which can be obtained only by skinning animals alive, sealskins among +them, and trims her hats with the dead bodies of the most beautiful +birds. + +If you were to remark before the British matron that the trousers of +Mr. So-and-so are always irreproachable, you would run the risk of +creating a panic, and the lady might go into a fit. But you may see her +watch men's races at Athletic Sports meetings. For all covering on +their skin, the competitors have a thin flannel jersey, and drawers of +the same material about the size of fig-leaves. Saturated with +perspiration, these elementary articles of clothing will cleave to the +human form as if the wearers had come straight up out of the water. The +British matron looks on, applauds, and does not turn a hair. Her ears +are most easily shocked, but not her eyes. She objects to the word, not +to the thing. In her way she is a realist. The thing speaks for itself, +it is the truth, whereas the word suggests to her fantastic imagination +the most objectionable ideas. + +The French and the American women call on you and, when they think they +have stayed long enough, they shake hands and go. The British matron +'thinks' or 'is afraid she must be about going.' + +What you have achieved does not amount to much to make a gentleman of +you in her eyes. If your father is a gentleman, you may be _in_ it; if, +besides, your grandfather was a gentleman, then you will be _of_ it. +The British matron generally belongs to Thackeray's family of snobs. + +Her knowledge of French literature is marvellous. She has read or heard +of all the novels of M. Zola, and her verdict is that modern fiction in +France is the abomination of desolation. Edmond About, Andre Theuriet, +Anatole France, George Sand, she does not know. + +Two young girls of my acquaintance, both aged about sixteen, were +speaking of the books they had lately read. One mentioned that she had +just finished 'Strathmore,' by Ouida, and that her mother thought it +was quite the sort of novel a young girl could read. + +'And what have you read?' she added. + +'Last week I read 'L'Ami Fritz,' by Erckmann-Chatrian,' replied the +other girl. + +Now, this little idyll is about as proper and moral as the top lines of +school copy-books. + +'Oh!' said the first young girl, 'does your mother allow you to read +French novels? Mine never does.' + +Truly a strange being, the British matron! + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII + +THE AMERICAN WOMAN--I + + A new coat-of-arms for America--The American woman--Her ways--The + liberty she enjoys--'Oh, please make me an American woman!' + + +If I were asked to suggest a new coat-of-arms for the United States of +America, I would propose a beautiful, bright, intelligent-looking +woman, under the protection of an eagle spreading its wings over her, +with the motto: _Place aux Dames_--'Honour to the Ladies'; or, if +you prefer a freer translation, 'Make room for the Women.' + +The Government of the American people is not a republic, it is not a +monarchy: it is a gynarchy, a government by the women for the women, a +sort of occult power behind the scenes that rules the country. + +It has often been said that a wife is what a husband makes her. I +believe that the women of a nation are what the men of that nation make +them. Therefore, honour to the men of the United States for having +produced that modern national ideal the American woman. + +I have been six times all over the United States. I have spent about +three years of my life in America, travelling from New York to San +Francisco, from British Columbia to Louisiana. If there is an +impression that becomes a deeper and deeper conviction every time that +I return to that country, it is that the most interesting woman in the +world is the American woman. + +Now, let us compare her with the women of Europe. The English woman, +when beautiful, is an ideal symphony, an incomparable statue, but too +often a statue. The French woman is the embodiment of suppleness and +gracefulness, more fascinating by her manner than by either her face or +figure. + +The Roman woman, with her gorgeous development, suggests the descendant +of the proud mother of the Gracchi. The American woman is a combination, +an _ensemble_. + +I have never seen in America an absolutely, helplessly plain woman. She +is always in the possession of a redeeming something which saves her. +She may be ever so homely (as the Americans say), she looks +intelligent, a creature that has been allowed to think for herself, +that has never been sat upon. And I know no sight more pleasing than an +elderly American woman, with her white hair, that makes her look like a +Louis XV. marquise, and an expression which reflects the respect she +has inspired during a well and usefully spent life. + +When women were born, a fairy attended the birth of every one of them. +Each woman received a special gift. The American woman arriving late, +the fairies gathered together and decided to make her a present of part +of all the attributes conferred on all the other women. The result is +that she has the smartness and the bright look of a French woman, and +the shapely, sculptural lines of an English woman. Ah! but, added to +that, she has a characteristic trait peculiarly her own, an utter +absence of affectation, a naturalness of bearing which makes her +unique, a national type. There is not in the world a woman to match +her in a drawing-room. There she stands, among the women of all +nationalities, a silhouette _bien decoupee_, herself, a queen. + +Allowed from the tenderest age almost every liberty, accustomed to take +the others, she is free, easy, perfectly natural, with the +consciousness of her influence, her power; able by her intelligence and +education to enjoy all the intellectual pleasures of life, and by her +keen powers of observation and her native adaptability to fit herself +for all the conditions of life; an exquisite mixture of a coquette +without affectation and a blue-stocking without spectacles or +priggishness; the only woman, however beautiful and learned she may be, +with whom man feels perfectly at his ease--a sort of fascinating good +fellow, retaining all the best attributes of womanhood. + +Now, if this should sound like an outburst of enthusiasm, please excuse +me. I owe to American women such pleasant, never-to-be-forgotten hours +that on merely hearing the mention of the American woman I take off my +hat. + +Of all the women in the world, the American woman is the one who +receives the best attentions at the hands of men. The Frenchman, it is +true, is the slave of his womankind, but he expects her to be his +thorough partner--I mean, to share with him his labours as well as his +pleasures. The American man is the most devoted and hard-working +husband in the world. The poor, dear fellow! He works, and he works, +and he works, and the beads of perspiration from his brow crystallize +in the shape of diamonds all over the ears, the fingers and the neck of +his interesting womankind. + +He invites her to share his pleasures, but he saves her the trouble of +sharing his anxieties. The burden of life from seven in the morning +till seven in the evening rests on his shoulders alone. + +Yet, in spite of all this, I have seldom discovered in American women +the slightest trace of gratitude to men. The American woman expects a +triumphal arch to be erected over each doorway through which she has to +pass--and she gets it. + +Well, she deserves it. + +Almost throughout the length and breadth of the United States, you hear +of women seeking to extend the sphere of their influence, women +dissatisfied with their lot. But there is no satisfying spoiled +children. If they see the moon reflected in a pail of water, they must +have it. + +I am perfectly convinced that the American woman has secured for +herself the best, the softest berth that it was possible to secure in +this world. + +Let me finish by repeating an exclamation I uttered after my first +visit to the United States, twelve years ago: 'If I could choose my sex +and my birthplace, I would shout to the Almighty at the top of my +voice: "Oh, please make me an American woman!"' + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV + +THE AMERICAN WOMAN--II + + She walks first, Jonathan behind her--The educational system of + America explains the idiosyncrasies of the American woman. + + +The first time that I was in America, some twelve years ago, I one day +mentioned to a newspaper reporter that I could not find a cup of tea to +please me anywhere in America. The next day a paragraph about me +appeared in the paper, headed, 'Max is going to abuse everything in +America.' + +A few days later I had an opportunity to mention to another reporter +that, however bad meals were in some hotels in the small cities, I +could everywhere get a cup of coffee quite as good as in France, if not +even better. The next day a paragraph appeared headed: 'Max wants our +dollars.' + +I have many times lectured in the United States on women, including a +sketch on American women. After the lecture I have generally been +introduced to some ladies of the audience, who kindly expressed the +desire of shaking hands with me. + +Almost every time one or two have taken me aside, and said: 'I have +read in your books and your magazine articles and heard in your +lectures all you have to say about American women; but now, tell me, +what do you really think of them?' + +My dear ladies, there are some men who do occasionally speak the truth, +or what they believe to be the truth, and who do say what they mean, +and mean what they say. + +The English, long ago, warned me that I would not be able to do in +America what I had successfully done in England, because the Americans, +they said to me, were much more susceptible and sensitive than the +English. They were mistaken. + +No doubt the Americans had resented, and justly, too, the criticisms of +Trollope and Dickens (the latter had to write a permanent apology in +the preface of 'Martin Chuzzlewit'). Criticism that never offends, and +praises that never flatter, are, I believe, everywhere acceptable when +they are taken in the spirit of fairness and good-humour in which they +are expressed. I believe, and firmly believe, the American women to be +the most interesting and the most brilliant women in the world, and I +do not see why I could not proclaim it from the house-tops if I like, +even in America. + +They are picturesque, vivacious, natural, stylish, smart, clever, +unconventional, and the best educated. They are typical, perfectly +labelled. + +Take me to a drawing-room in Paris or in London, and, without being +introduced to anyone, I think I should be able to pick out all the +American women in the room. + + * * * * * + +Once, after a lecture in England, I received the card of a young +American lady who wished to speak to me. She came and brought in her +mother, and also a man, who all the time stood in the rear. When we +parted, she left, followed by her mother. Then I discovered the man, +who said to me most meekly, 'I'm the father.' Poor dear man! he looked +so small as he emerged from the background! + +I cannot help thinking that there exists in some American women a +little mild contempt for that poor creature that is called a man. + +And how is that in a country where the women receive such delightful, +and, for that matter, well-deserved attentions at the hands of the men, +and that throughout the length and breadth of the country? + +Well, I think the educational system of America explains the +phenomenon. + +In Europe the sexes are kept apart in youth--I mean at school, and, in +France especially, young boys and young girls entertain for one another +very strange feelings, most of them founded on ignorance. + +In Europe even now the education received by girls cannot be compared +to the education received by boys. That's being changed now--some say +improved. H'm! we shall see. + +It was not a long time ago that, in England and in France, when a girl +could read, write, add, and subtract, name the capitals of Europe, and +play 'The Maiden's Prayer' on the piano, her education was finished; +she was prepared for the world and ready for her husband--and her +neighbours. + +Very often I have been invited to be present at the distribution of +prizes in large English public schools and colleges. When I was in a +girls' school, I never once failed to hear those poor girls told, and +by men, too, that practically the only thing they should think about +was to prepare to become one day good wives and good mothers. + +I have been many times present at the distribution of prizes in boys' +schools in England, and I know that I never heard those boys told that +now and then they might think of preparing to become one day decent +fathers and tolerable husbands. + +In America things are different. In every grade of educational life, +among the masses of the people, boys and girls are educated together, +side by side; on each bench a boy, a girl, a boy, a girl. + +Now, the official statistics of the Education Department declare that +in every State of the Union the number of diplomas and certificates +obtained by girls is larger than the number obtained by boys. + +When I heard that statement, I said this to myself (kindly follow my +little argument): 'Is it not just possible that the young American +boys, when they saw what those girls next to them could do, said to +themselves, "Heaven! who would have thought so?"' + +Is it not also possible that the young American girls, when they saw +what those boys next to them could do, exclaimed, 'Good gracious! is +that all?' + +Does not that, to a certain extent, explain to you the respect that +young boys acquire at school for young girls, and perhaps, also, that +little mild absence of respect that girls get for boys? I believe there +is something in it. + +Ah, my dear European men, who clamour at the top of your voices for the +higher education of women, be careful! You will be found out, and, like +your fellow-men of America, by-and-by you will have to take the +back-seat. + + + + +CHAPTER XXV + +THE AMERICAN WOMAN--III + + Opinions and impressions--An answer to criticism. + + +Whenever I read a testimonial given to a candidate for some vacant +post, I invariably take it for granted that the candidate does not +possess the virtues, attainments, or qualities which are not mentioned +in that testimonial. + +This must have evidently been what that clever American writer, Mrs. +Winifred Black, thought when she read an article of mine on American +women which appeared in the Editorial section of the _New York Sunday +Journal_ some time ago. My admiration for American women is, I think, +pretty well known to the public, but more particularly to my most +intimate friends. In that article I said: 'I firmly believe the +American women to be the most fascinating, the most interesting, and +the most brilliant women in the world; and I do not see why I could not +proclaim it from the housetops, if I like, even in America.' And after +mentioning the respect which woman inspires in American men of all +classes, the liberty she enjoys, the attentions that are lavished upon +her, I concluded the article by exclaiming: 'If I could choose again my +sex and my birthplace, I would shout to the Almighty at the top of my +voice: "Oh, please make me an American woman!"' + +'Now,' exclaims Mrs. Winifred Black, 'look between the words of that +cleverly constructed sentence, and he who runs may read that Max O'Rell +means to say in the still small voice of his innermost convictions: +"Make me anything on earth except an American man!"' + +'And,' she goes on, 'our friend is covering himself with well-earned +glory, telling us all about the American woman. "She is beautiful, +clever, adored, a queen"; but he does not mention that she is good, +honest, true, unselfish, loving. Not a syllable about her heart and her +soul. Do you know why? Because Max O'Rell thinks that the American +woman has neither heart nor soul.' + +Oh, oh! my dear lady, how quickly you set to work and jump at +conclusions! + +Mrs. Winifred Black evidently believes that when I propose the toast, +'The American ladies--God bless them!' I whisper under my breath all +the time: 'The gentlemen--God help them!' + +Now, madam, let me tell you that this is witty, smart, but not fair +criticism. If I ever should have the honour of being introduced to you, +I would say to you: 'When a foreigner attempts to describe the +character of the people he visits, he either receives impressions, if +he keeps his eyes fairly well open, or he forms opinions, if he resides +in that country for a long time or happens to be a born conceited +idiot. Impressions are not opinions. Impressions mean nothing more than +this: how a nation strikes a foreigner who pays a short visit to it. +You see a town for a day, you meet a person for ten minutes. That town, +that person, has left an impression on you, but you hold no opinion on +either. I know a charming little book on Denmark, honestly entitled by +its author, 'A Week in Denmark.' Now, surely you would not expect to +find in such a book a study of the institutions of Denmark or opinions +on the idiosyncrasies of the Danish people. You would not expect the +writer to tell you whether the Danish women have or have not a heart +and a soul. No, you would expect to find an impression such as the +following, which I find in that delightful, chatty, and unpretentious +little volume: 'The Danish women wear the national colours of +France--blue eyes, white complexion, and red lips.' I have been six +times in the United States. I have seen the whole continent from New +York to San Francisco, from British Columbia to Louisiana, but all the +time I have been on the move, seldom spending two days in the same +town. How could I form opinions worth repeating? + +The qualities which, for instance, I may have discovered in American +women are superficial ones--I mean outward ones, those that would be +noticed by the casual visitor--brilliancy, conversational power, +beautiful figures, attractive, intelligent faces, smartness in dress, +gait, and carriage. To get at their hearts and their souls, I should +have to settle in the country, and for years and years live among the +people. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI + +THE HUSBAND OF THE AMERICAN WOMAN + + The telephone and the ticker--The most useful of domestic + animals--Money-making--Loneliness of the women--A reminiscence of + Chicago. + + +On the whole, I believe that there is no country where men and women go +through life together on such equal terms as in France. The wife +follows her husband everywhere; she is the companion of his pleasures +as well as of his hardships. She works with him, takes her vacation +with him, and when they have amassed a little fortune that insures +independence, they knock off work together and enjoy life quietly for +the rest of their days. In business, the wife is the clerk of her +husband, often his cashier, always his partner. She is consulted by him +in the investment of their savings. It is a little firm--Monsieur, +Madame and Co. + +In England, the wife does not share the hardships of her husband, and +not always his pleasures. She is seldom consulted in important matters. + +What often astonishes us in Europe is to see a crowd of handsome and +clever women, whom America sends to brighten up society, and who +reappear in London and Paris every year with the regularity of the +swallows. The London season, from the beginning of May to July 25, the +Paris season, from the beginning of April to June 10, are absolutely +run by them. You meet them everywhere, at dinner-parties, 'At Homes,' +and the play. You conclude that they must be married, because they are +styled Mrs. and not Miss, but whether they are wives, widows, or +divorcees, you rarely think of inquiring, and you go on enjoying their +society, even their friendship, year after year, without knowing +whether there exists, somewhere in America, a Mr. So-and-so or not. + +It was in America only, on calling on my lady friends whose +acquaintance I had made in Europe, that I discovered the existence of +their husbands. I found them very much alive, having for the companions +of their joys and sorrows the telephone and the ticker. + +Now, an impression (not an opinion, much less a conviction) to be +formed from all this is that the American woman, with all her physical +beauty and intellectual attainments, is not always a woman whose +characteristic traits are devotion, unselfishness, and self-sacrifice. +But it is not her fault if this should be the case, and I have no +reason to suppose that it is. In a community, woman is what man makes +her. So long as men's first consideration is business and money-making, +so long as they consider clubs the proper place to seek relief in from +the pursuits and hardships of everyday life, so long as wives are +practically left to themselves to make the best of the long leisures of +the day, the women will study how best they can arrange for themselves +a life of comfort, ease and pleasure. Is there any other country where +you will find women able to enjoy life without the companionship of +men? They have come to an understanding among themselves. They will +have lunch, dinner-parties, where no male guest will be seen, and they +will have a grand time. They try to please each other, and an American +woman will use as much coquetry to win a woman as a French woman will +use to win a man. Is there any other country where you see so many +women's clubs? + +Women's clubs? The idea! + +Yet that American woman has male friends. She is a delightful chum and +good fellow, the only woman in the world who can have such male +friends, 'pals' without the least misconstruction, the least +objectionable whisperings on the subject. She calls those male friends +by their Christian names in speaking of them, although she invariably +mentions her husband as Mr. John B. Smith. + +The American men are the most devoted of husbands, but they are not +under the influence of their women. They indulge them in all their +whims and luxuries, but their status in life is to be their women's +husbands--I will not say upper servants, but domestic animals, not +pets, of undeniable usefulness, who work at the sweat of their brows to +keep in luxury the most lovely, interesting and expensive womankind in +the world. + +Some years ago, I was spending a Sunday afternoon in the house of a +young married man in Chicago who, I was told, possessed twenty +millions. The poor fellow! It was the twenty millions which possessed +him. He had a most beautiful and interesting wife, and the loveliest +little girl of three or four years of age that I ever set my eyes on. +That lovely little girl was kind enough to take to me at once--there's +no accounting for taste! We had a little flirtation in the distance at +first. By-and-by, she came toward me, nearer and nearer, then she +stopped in front of me, and looked at me, hesitating, with her finger +in her pretty little mouth. I knew what she wanted, and I said to her: +'That's all right; come on.' She jumped on my knees, settled herself +comfortably and asked me to tell her stories. I started at once. Now, +you understand, I was not allowed to stop; but I took breath, and I +said to her: + +'Does not your papa tell you long stories on Sundays?' + +That lovely little round face grew sad and quite long. + +'Oh no,' she said; 'papa is too tired on Sundays.' + +A few weeks after I left Chicago that man was taken ill with a disease +not uncommon in America, a disease that starts at the top of your head +and takes two or three years to kill you in a lunatic asylum, among +drivelling idiots and imbeciles. + +A couple of years later, being in Chicago again, I made inquiries and +learned that the poor fellow was expected to exist a few weeks, perhaps +a few months longer. + +What a pity, I thought, that beautiful woman had not enough influence +over that good man to stop him! + +Do not offer me twenty millions at that price. No twenty millions can +cure the disease which afflicted that American. + +Put a little girl of three on my knees on Sundays, and I will tell her +stories from sunrise and go on till sunset, even if I thus run the risk +of being prosecuted by the Lord's Day Observance Society. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII + +PETTICOAT GOVERNMENT + + Description of all the Anglo-Saxon fads. + + +I loathe the domination of woman, but I ever crave for her influence, +and I believe that any man of refinement and thinking, that any lover +and admirer of woman, will echo this sentiment. + +I know of one country only where the government by woman was given a +real trial, and that is New Zealand. The law was passed and the +experiment was made. The law, I believe, had to be repealed after six +months. The Government had taken such a tyrannical form that that +loveliest of spots on the earth was on the eve of a revolution, of a +desperate struggle for liberty. + +Things were pretty badly managed in a small Ohio city when I was +visiting it four years ago. The following year women put up their names +as candidates for the City Council in every ward, and were all +returned. They did manage the city. The following year the experiment +had been made, and not one woman was returned again. + +The American men are so busy, so long absent from home, that many of +their womankind have to find out a way of using the leisure time left +at their disposal, with results that are not always altogether +satisfactory. Some devote that time to literature, to the improvement +of their brilliant native intellect; some spend it in frivolities; some +indulge in all the fads of Anglo-Saxon life. + +The women of good society in America are what they are everywhere +else--satisfied with their lot, which consists in being the adored +goddesses of refined households; but there exists in that country among +the middle--perhaps, what I should call in European parlance, lower +middle--classes, restless, bumptious, ever-poking-their-noses-everywhere +women, who are slowly, but surely and safely, transforming that great +land of liberty into a land of petty, fussy tyranny, and trying--often +with complete success--to impose on the community fads of every shape +and form. + +If there is one country in the world where the women appear, in the +eyes of the foreign visitor, to enjoy all manner of privileges and to +have the men in leading-strings, that country is America. You would +imagine, therefore, that America should be the last country where the +New Woman was to be found airing her grievances. Yet she is flourishing +throughout the length and breadth of that huge continent. She is petted +by her husband, the most devoted and hardworking of husbands in the +world; she is literally covered with precious stones by him; she is +allowed to wear hats that would 'fetch' Paris in carnival time or start +a panic at a Corpus Christi procession in Paris or a Lord Mayor's Show +in London; she is the superior of her husband in education and almost +in every respect; she is surrounded by the most numerous and delicate +attentions, yet she is not satisfied. + +The Anglo-Saxon New Woman is the most ridiculous production of modern +times, and destined to be the most ghastly failure of the century. She +is _par excellence_ the woman with a grievance, and self-labelled the +greatest nuisance of modern society. The New Woman wants to retain all +the privileges of her sex, and secure besides all those of man; she +wants to be a man and to remain a woman. She will fail to become a man, +but she may succeed in ceasing to be a woman. + +And now, where is that New Woman to be found? Put together a hundred +women, intelligent and of good society; take out the beautiful ones; +then take out the married ones who are loved by their husbands and +their children, and kindly seek the New Woman among what is left--ugly +women, old maids, and disappointed and neglected wives. + +Woman has no grievance against man. Her only grievance should be, I +admit, against Nature, which made her different from man, with duties +different, physically and otherwise, almost always to her disadvantage. +The world exists and marches on through love. I pity from the bottom of +my heart the good woman who is not to know the whispers of love of a +good husband or the caresses of little children, but I am not prepared +to see life become a burden for her sake. + +There is no possibility of denying or ignoring the fact. The purpose, +the _raison d'etre_, of woman is to be a mother, as the _raison d'etre_ +of a fruit-tree is to bear fruit. And woe to the next generations, for +everybody knows that _only_ the children of quiet and reposed women are +healthy and intelligent. + +The woman question will only be solved by the partnership in life of +man and wife, as it exists in France, where, thank God! the New Woman +is unknown; by the equality of the sexes, but each with different, +well-defined duties to perform. + +The New Woman is not to be found outside of Great Britain, where woman +is her husband's inferior, and of the United States, where she is his +superior. + +The woman who devotes a good deal of her time to the management of +public affairs is a woman who is not required to devote much of it to +private ones. + +Show me a woman of forty. + +Look on this picture: Eyes bright, beaming with joy and happiness, +complexion clear, rosy, plump, not a wrinkle, mouth smiling. See her +lips bearing the imprint of holy kisses, and her neck the mark of her +little children's arms. She has no grievance. Ask her to join the New +Woman army. 'No, thanks,' she will say, with a smile of pity; 'the old +style is good enough for me.' + +And on this: Thin, sallow complexion, eyes without lustre, wrinkled, +mouth sulky, haughty, the disgust of life written on every feature. +That woman will join the ranks of every organization which aims at +taking the cup of love away from the lips of every happy being. + +But all this might take the shape of a long digression. Let us see how +some American women devote part of the time which they are not probably +wanted to devote at home. + +I think that of all the grand fads indulged in by some women in +America, the palm should be given to the compulsory water-drinking +work. That is a colossal illustration of what women can do when left +entirely to their own resources. + +Now I will lay down as a sort of principle that the 'temperance' woman +and the teetotaler are not to be found in refined society, and I don't +think that in saying so I shall run the risk of being contradicted. I +have often been a guest at the Union Club, the Union League Club, the +Manhattan, the Century, the Players, and many other good clubs. I have +dined in the best houses of the great American cities, and nowhere have +I met teetotalers in those circles of society. Refined, intelligent +people of good society, artists, literary men, are not teetotalers--that +will be granted by everybody. I don't mention politicians, even of the +best class, who have at times to be teetotalers to catch votes in a +democracy. + +The smaller towns of America--and that is America proper--are ruled by +fussy, interfering faddists, fanatics of all sorts, old women of both +sexes, shrieking cockatoos, that will by-and-by make life well-nigh +intolerable to any man of self-respect, and make him wonder whether he +lives in a free country or not. + +Take two lively illustrations. A few years ago I was in the town of +E---- (Kansas). There was a mayor who was married, and the happy pair +had a little boy. That little boy was a wicked little boy. One day he +was caught smoking a cigarette. Now, what should be done by sensible +parents to such a wicked little boy? Why, he should be turned over and +given a good hearty--you know. This is not at all what was done. The +mayor's wife called up a meeting of women, made a violent speech on the +pernicious habit of cigarette-smoking, and it was decided to petition +the mayor and ask him to forbid the sale of cigarettes within the +precincts of his jurisdiction. For the sake of peace and happiness at +home, the worthy mayor published an edict prohibiting the sale of +cigarettes in his district. However, cigarettes can be had in the town +of E----, but you have to walk nearly a mile, just outside the limits +of the mayor's jurisdiction, to find a store where a roaring trade in +cigarettes is done. All the same, you must admit that it is a nuisance +to be obliged to walk a mile in a free country to buy a little article +of luxury that you indulge in, without ever abusing it, because there +happens to be in the town a wicked little boy who once smoked a +cigarette. + +When I was in the town of T----(Arkansas), I gave a lecture under the +auspices of 'temperance' ladies of the city. They called on me. + +Being of a rather inquisitive turn of mind, I said to them: 'Now, +ladies, I understand I am in a prohibition State. How do you account +for your existence? Do you wish now to advocate the suppression of tea, +coffee, and ice-water, which, I must say, would go a long way towards +improving the complexion and the digestive apparatus of your +compatriots?' + +'No,' they said; 'we find that, in spite of the law, there is liquor, +wine, and beer still sold in this town, and we want to put a stop to +it.' + +I knew that such was the case, for I had, _proh pudor!_ a bottle of +lager-beer in my pocket which I had bought for my dinner, but which, I +am glad to say, was not discovered by the ladies under the auspices of +whom I was to lecture in the evening. I can do with ice-water, but in a +prohibition State I cannot. The evil spirit prompts me. I must have +beer or wine with my meals. I have never been drunk in my life; but if +ever I get drunk it will be in a prohibition State. + +'Well,' said the lady president of the temperance society of the town +of T----, 'could you believe that a few days ago a poor woman of the +town and her children actually died of starvation, while every day her +husband got drunk with the wages he received?' + +'But,' I mildly suggested, 'you should see that that man was punished, +not the innocent population of this town. Don't suppress the wine, +which is a gift of God. Punish--suppress, even, if you like--the +drunkard. It is not wine that makes a man drunk, it is vice. Don't +suppress the wine, suppress the vice or the vicious. Imprison a +drunkard, lynch him, hang, shoot him, quarter him, do what you like +with him, but allow hundreds of good, wise, temperate people who would +use wine in moderation to indulge in a habit that makes men moderate, +cheerful, and happy. Don't suppress wine because a few idiots use it to +get drunk.' + +Every year there are men who use knives to stab fellow-creatures; but +there are millions who use their knives to eat their meals peacefully +with. The law punishes the criminals, but would not think of forbidding +the use of knives in orderly houses. + +Any law is bad that punishes, injures, or annoys thousands of good, +innocent people in order to stop the mischief done by a few--a very +few, after all--blackguards and scoundrels. + +The Anglo-Saxon should, by all means, preach temperance, which means +moderation, not total abstinence. What they preach overreaches the +mark, and does no good. When you say that a country enjoys a +_temperate_ climate, that does not mean that it has no climate at all, +but enjoys a moderate one, neither too hot nor too cold. + +These same Anglo-Saxons should not despise, but admire and envy, those +who can enjoy, like men of understanding, like gentlemen, the glorious +gifts of God to man without ever making fools of themselves. For these +the law should be made. + +If your husband or son, dear lady, would like to have a glass of wine +or beer with his dinner, let him have it in your sweet and wholesome +presence. Don't make a hypocrite of him. Don't compel him to go and +hide himself in his club, or, worse, in a saloon, or, worse still, +don't allow him to go and lose his manhood's dignity by crawling on all +fours under the counter of a drug-store. + +There is no virtue in compulsion. There is virtue only in liberty. + +Ah! how I remember admiring in the hot days of blue-ribbonism in +England that free Briton I once met who had a yellow ribbon in his +button-hole! + +'What's that you have on?' I said to him. + +'That's a yellow ribbon,' he replied. 'I belong to the Yellow-Ribbon +Army.' + +'Ah! and what is it the Yellow-Ribbon Army do?' I inquired. + +'What do we do?' he said. 'Why, we eat what we likes, we drink what we +likes, and we don't care a d---- for nobody!' + +There are well-meaning, most highly estimable, and talented ladies who +go about the world preaching temperance--that is to say, total +abstinence, not moderation. + +Now, as a rule, these ladies have special reasons for so doing. Very +often they have led a life of sorrow and misery with wretched husbands, +and they should be pitied. But hundreds of thousands of women have good +husbands who have not to be cured of habits which they never in their +lives indulged in, and who would be condemned to deny themselves every +little luxury that helps make life cheerful when used with moderation +and discretion, if the preachings of these often unfortunate ladies +were to take the shape of laws. + +I have often had to listen to self-confessed reformed drunkards who +preached to me, who never was once drunk in my life. The thing is +ludicrous. + +There exist, among the Anglo-Saxons, people to whom the strains of +Wagner and Beethoven's music say absolutely nothing, to whom the Venus +of Milo is indecent. They declare music wicked, unless it is out of +tune, dancing absolutely shocking, and the fine arts immoral, and if +they had their way, they would close the concert-halls and the museums +on every day of the week. Because their minds are distorted, they would +condemn people with lofty and artistic minds to never hear a +masterpiece of music or behold a masterpiece of painting or statuary. I +have met people who declared they would never again set foot inside the +walls of the Louvre and of the British Museum. And if the Anglo-Saxon +fanatics, those arch-enemies of art, make a little more progress, the +future of that great institution is not safe. + +As everybody knows, there exist in Great Britain and in America +thousands of people who declare the stage to be a most wicked and +immoral institution. For them a theatre is so contaminated a place that +they would not go inside one even to hear a Bishop preach a sermon from +the stage. For instance, in several colonial cities I appeared in the +principal theatre; but my manager, on a return visit, always made me +appear in the town-hall, or some other place of the kind, to attract +the portion of the population who would not have come to hear me +lecture inside a theatre. + +All these movements, headed by women, are in the wrong direction. They +interfere with the liberties of a great people, and punish thousands +and thousands of good, orderly, well-behaved people to reach a score or +two of bad ones, whom they often fail to reach, and oftener still fail +to cure. I repeat it: There are many thousands of good people in this +world for a very few thousands of bad ones. The laws should aim at +reaching the former and protecting them. This world is considerably +better than the fanatics of all denominations and superstitions would +make us believe. For seventeen years I have travelled all over the +world, and I have never met any but honourable people to deal with. For +instance, I have given 2,300 lectures in my life, and only once did I +come across a man who behaved dishonestly towards me. He ran away with +the cash while I was speaking; but then it was on Sunday, and some good +pious people said to me that Providence, in its wisdom, had punished me +for my wickedness. I must say that I never could see very clearly why +Providence, in its wisdom, should have allowed the thief to safely run +away with the money; but the ways of Providence are inscrutable, and +its decrees should not be discussed. I might add that the lecture was +more of a harmless address--almost a little sermon--on the duty of +cheerfulness; but two or three times it caused the audience to smile, +and this is simply too awful to think of. + +Yes, the world is good, very good, in spite of the calumnies that are +constantly hurled at its face by the Pharisees of Anglo-Saxondom. Yes, +full of good men, crammed with good women, and the excellent ladies of +the philanthropic societies of America should take it for granted that +there are many, many good and virtuous people besides themselves. + +You don't cut down an apple-tree because there are two or three bad +apples on it. You cut down the two or three bad apples, and all your +efforts tend to see that the hundreds of good ones are made healthy, +happy, and comfortable. + +I have no hesitation in declaring, after six visits to that great and +most hospitable country, that the American women of good society are +probably the most intelligent, bright, and brilliant, and certainly the +best educated and the most interesting, women in the world. + +But when I see what some American women can do in public life, outside +of the beautiful sphere in which they were intended to reign supreme, I +feel ready to appreciate and echo the remark that Frederick the Great +was wont to make when he met a woman alone in the streets of Berlin: + +'What are you doing here? Go home and look after your house and your +children!' + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII + +THE LIBERTY OF ANGLO-SAXON WOMEN + + The mistakes made by foreigners--Misconstructions--Educational + systems--Girls do not lose their charm by independence. + + +Continental men visiting England and the United States do not, as a +rule, understand the comparative familiarity with which they are +treated by women to whom they have been properly introduced. They are +often in danger of misinterpreting their kindness of manner, and +regarding as affectionate advances or invitations to flirt what are +meant as only polite attentions. + +This awkward error is one into which not only Frenchmen, but all men of +Continental Europe, are very apt to fall, unless they happen to be men +of fine perceptions, in other words, perfect gentlemen. Young girls in +France are kept so much to themselves, and young men are so completely +separated from them, that when one of the latter finds himself, through +some accident or fault of supervision, alone in presence of one of the +former, he feels called upon as a man to make himself particularly +pleasant, if not actually to make a declaration of love. + +Of course, there is not in France anyone, not even the most +conservative provincial mother, who does not admire, above all in +America, that sweet liberty which is enjoyed by the women, married or +unmarried. There is not one of those French mothers who would not like +to give that same liberty to her own daughters. But how can she? Who +shall be the first to do it? + +It takes many generations to accept such a revolution in a system of +education. People will have it that this Anglo-Saxon system would never +do in France. Others even affirm that French people are incapable of +shaking off perpetual thought of the relations between the sexes; that +in France men are always thinking about women and women about men--in +fact, that it is in the blood. The proof that these people are wrong is +that young men and girls, sons and daughters of French fathers and +mothers, but educated from a tender age either in England or America, +do behave absolutely like English or American youths. It is not in the +blood: the different systems of education alone account for those +different modes of thought. + +And what a difference between the French girls of my boyhood and the +French girls of the present day! Not that they are yet 'Daisy Millers,' +but at any rate they are no longer 'Eugenie Grandets.' Thirty years +ago, a French girl well advanced in her twenties could not have, even +in the early morning, gone across the street to see a friend or buy a +pair of gloves without being accompanied by an elderly lady of the +family or a lady's-maid. Thirty years ago, in my little native Brittany +town, where a child of tender years would have been absolutely safe, an +unmarried woman between forty and fifty would always be accompanied by +a servant, even in daytime. + +It was the correct thing to do. Indeed, a woman not married would +always act in this manner as long as she thought that she was fit to be +looked at by men. And very few women make up their minds to the loss of +their charms. It even takes some of them a long time to become aware of +that loss. + +The French girl of thirty years ago, who was only allowed to read +children's books, and never to set foot inside a theatre, now reads M. +Zola's novels, and goes to see the plays of Alexandre Dumas fils, and +as she discusses these plays she comes to the conclusion that they are +very clever and interesting, but hardly such as to take her mother to. + +French women are now getting freer every day, and, with the use of +liberty, will lose the little defect they sometimes possess--affectation. +They will become more and more natural and unaffected, and they will +acquire that most charming and eminently American quality in a +woman--unconventionality. They are now moving, not in the direction of +innocent frivolity, but in that of greater independence. The time is +soon coming when French girls will cease to regard marriage as a sort +of emancipation, and will perhaps look upon it, as an American lady +novelist of my acquaintance does, as a rather hard way of making a +living. + +Those French girls will not lose their charms by the enjoyment of +greater liberty and independence. The American women have thus improved +theirs. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIX + +ENGLISH AND AMERICAN WOMEN HAVE NO LOVE TO SPARE FOR ONE ANOTHER + + England and America are two branches of a family who once + quarrelled--For their common interests they may make it up, but + there will never be any love lost--There are no such quarrels to + patch up as family ones. + + +I have heard a great deal about 'our kith and kin,' 'our cousins across +the Atlantic,' 'blood is thicker than water,' 'the Anglo-Saxon race,' +'the English-speaking people,' 'the Anglo-American alliance,' and other +more or less venerable platitudes with which music-hall managers in +England have for some time succeeded in bringing down the gallery, on +Saturday nights especially. I have heard all that, and, in company with +most Americans, I have laughed in my sleeve. + +During their war with Spain, the Americans were grateful for English +sympathy and moral support. + +During the Transvaal War, the English, finding themselves isolated and +blamed by the whole of Europe, hoped for American sympathy. + +'I scratched your back, you scratch mine.' + +This sympathy the English did not obtain, or, if they did, in a very +small measure, and only among the inhabitants of Fifth Avenue and the +'Four Hundred' of a few large Eastern cities. I was in America for +three months at the beginning of last year, and everywhere, from New +York to New Orleans, I found ninety-nine Americans out of every hundred +sympathizing with the Boers in their plucky and determined struggle for +liberty and independence. Their skill and bravery appealed to a nation +who, some hundred years ago, themselves fought successfully for their +freedom. + +Yet, as I had many times the opportunity of telling American audiences, +'In the Anglo-Boer struggle, it is not the Boers, but the English who +are fighting for what your ancestors fought for so successfully during +the War of Independence--the liberty of the citizen and good and honest +government. I have sympathy for the Boers on account of their ignorant +patriotism and bravery; but, for the sake of humanity and civilization, +I hope the English will win.' + +It is true that I got applause for this statement, it is true that the +presidents of many American universities thanked me for putting the +truth and the facts of the question plainly before the students; but I +am afraid I made very few converts to the pro-English cause, although I +believe I was more successful on the platform in America than in +France, where I got enthusiastically hissed and had several narrow +escapes of being mobbed for expressing my rather pro-English +sentiments. + +The more charitable of my compatriots said it was only fair for a +Frenchman who had long enjoyed the hospitality of the English to speak +well of them abroad. Some went so far as to suggest that I was probably +in the pay of Mr. Joseph Chamberlain. + +However all this may be, my point is this: I don't care what a few +American millionaires, who prefer England to America, who crawl on all +fours before the English aristocracy, who would think it beneath their +dignity to give their daughters to honest Americans, and prefer to get +some English noblemen's coats-of-arms out of pawn with their daughters +and their dollars--I say I don't care what these people may say to the +contrary, my firm conviction, more and more absolute every time that I +travel throughout the United States, is that there is very little love +to spare in America for the English people. And this state of things +will exist as long as the Americans build their patriotism on their +successes of 1776 and 1812 against the English, and so long as +school-books published in America teach American children that the +English are the hereditary foes of their country. + +Add also to this that not one-third of the population of the United +States are of English extraction. The Germans and the Scandinavians are +not 'kith and kin,' and the Irish are tooth and nail. Now, if you don't +believe me, let me wish you had been in America, as I was, during the +Venezuelan squabble, some five years ago, and you will be convinced of +the truth of my statement. + +But I must leave aside all these political considerations, and also the +question whether American and English men love each other or not, for I +was very near forgetting that the subject of this chapter is 'What +American and English _Women_ think of each other.' Here again, as +in the case of the men, we must not speak of the aristocracy and the +plutocracy of the two countries. Those people are cosmopolitan; +besides, they travel and they get rid of their international +prejudices. + +But what about the good, worthy masses of the people, say, at least +nine-tenths of the populations of America and England? + +Well, I should like to tell what I think to be the truth frankly and +plainly. I am not a rich man--far from it--but I now see my way to +easily paying my butcher's bills for the rest of my life, and I can +afford to say what I mean. If you don't like it, and want something +else, please apply elsewhere for compliments, platitudes, and +falsehoods. + +I am absolutely convinced that most American women despise English +women, and that most English women cordially hate American women. And +as it is much more flattering to be hated than to be despised, it is +the American women who seem to me the better served of the two. + +In the eyes of the English women who have not travelled in America or +had the good fortune of mixing in Europe with the best American women, +and who, in good womanly fashion, stick fast to their prejudiced +notions, the daughters of Brother Jonathan are bumptious, vulgar, +overdressed, loud, assertive, indifferent mothers, selfish wives, bad +housekeepers, or else unbearable prigs and blue-stockings. And you will +hear them deliver judgment in a way that seems to admit of no appeal. + +In the eyes of the American women who have not lived the home-life of +the English or mixed with the women of good English society, and who +have been fed on ideas and opinions given in some American books or +published in the newspapers of the smaller American cities, the English +women are silly, sat-upon, ignorant creatures, seedy and dowdy, badly +shaped, badly dressed, and who can only talk of their babies and their +servants. + +Among that class of women in both countries, the only concessions I +have heard them make are the following: English women admit that their +American sisters are freer and smarter than they are, and the American +women envy the complexion of the daughters of John Bull. + +How amiable women can be! + + + + +CHAPTER XXX + +THE WOMAN I HATE + + Women's-righters--Electric fluids--The bearded lady--The + first-fiddle--Lady doctors--Lady lawyers--Lady + speech-makers--Prominent women--A pretty picture. + + +Ernest Renan, whom nobody would dream of charging with frivolity, said +that the first duty of woman was to look beautiful. Victor Hugo once +said that it was to look pleasant. In mythology we find that the gods +fell in love with Venus, but never with Minerva. + +The functions of woman are to inspire and to guide, not to lead or +command, and I think that the saddest spectacle of the latter end of +the nineteenth century was the supremely ridiculous efforts made by +some women to usurp functions which by Nature were intended for men to +perform. Poor women's-righters! They cannot be men, and they want to +cease to be women. Men and women are like electric fluids. When of the +same name, they repel each other; when of different kinds, they attract +each other. Now, women's-righters are seldom beautiful, very seldom +attractive. A manly woman is as objectionable a sight as an effeminate +man. The blue-stockings are mostly of the 'unclaimed blessing' +sisterhood, and very few of them set up for professional beauties. The +blue-stocking fascinates me as much as the bearded lady of a Chicago +dime museum. + +When a woman is beautiful, she is generally satisfied with playing a +woman's part. The tedious women's-righters embrace the thankless career +of exponents of women's grievances because they have never found +anything better to embrace. And, for that matter, these excellent +ladies must not put it into their heads that they have created the +part, for it existed in the days of Aristophanes. Praxagora was neither +more nor less ridiculous than most of the present champions of women's +rights. + +I hate the woman who appears in public. I hate the woman who lectures +in public or in private. I hate the woman who rises to make a speech +after dinner. I hate the woman who speaks about politics, and would +like to sit in Parliament so as to transform it into a Chatterment. I +hate the scientific woman who lectures on evolution or writes on +natural philosophy. I hate the lady physician, the lady lawyer, the +lady member of the School Board, the lady preacher, the lady president, +the lady secretary, the lady reciter, even the lady who conducts an +orchestra. I hate the prominent woman. And, although I don't see her, I +hate the woman who writes a book, and feel almost ready to exclaim with +Alphonse Karr: 'One book more and one woman less!' + +Compared to all these, how I love the pretty woman who dresses well, +smiles pleasantly, parts her hair in the middle, and has never done +anything in her life! 'Ah!' will exclaim the hateful woman, 'but see, +she wears the collar of servitude.' Nonsense! The marks that you see on +her neck are not those of a collar of servitude, but those made by the +arms of the husband and the children that clasp her round it. + +Women, priests, and poultry have never enough, but in wishing to extend +her empire woman will destroy it. + +Now, ladies, what do you want? I hear you constantly loudly demanding +the emancipation of your sex. You say you can do without us, and as for +our protection, you'll none of it. For you, in times past, have we +drawn the sword; to-day you hold us scarce worthy to draw cheques at +your bidding. You would be man's equal, as if you ought not to be +content with being incontestably his superior. You have graces of body +and mind, and men pay you a homage that falls little short of worship. +Your first duties are to be tender, sweet, and beautiful. You have +every intention of continuing to be the latter, we have no doubt, but +you mean to be tender and sweet no longer. In a word, you mean to +strike, as your sisters did in the good old days of Aristophanes. + +'You want to be learned? But you are learned in the heart's lore by +Nature. You want to be free? But we are your slaves confessed. You want +to make the laws? But your lightest word is law already. And, besides, +between ourselves, do you not practically make your husbands vote +pretty much as you please in all the parliaments of the world? You want +to have more influence in the higher councils? But are you not +satisfied with knowing that it was a woman who was the cause of the +fall of the human race? that a woman has been the cause of every great +catastrophe, from the Siege of Troy down to the Franco-Prussian War? +that, in a word, woman has ever inspired our noblest actions and our +foulest crimes? The rights of woman! What a sonorous platitude!' + +You are proud of saying that to your sex belonged Joan of Arc, +Charlotte Corday, George Sand, George Eliot, Charlotte Bronte, Madame +Roland, Madame de Stael. Quite true; but could you find many men who +would have been happy by taking to wife any one of the ladies I have +just mentioned? + +If you give a boy the education of a girl, or a girl the education of a +boy, the result will be an unsubmissive or degraded being. It is always +this result which must be reached by all who, believing that they are +protesting against laws and usages, are really in rebellion against +Nature. 'I dream of a society,' said Jules Simon, 'where women would be +the mistresses in their own household, and would figure in public +affairs only through the intermediary of their fathers and their +husbands. I would like to sacrifice myself for woman, but not to obey +her. I repel her domination, but I crave for her influence.' + +The name of woman will ever be glorious so long as it is synonymous +with beauty, tenderness, sweetness, devotion, all the sacred troop of +virtues. It will be glorious, thanks to the Lucretias, the Penelopes, +the Cornelias, ancient and modern, the devoted daughters, the loving +wives, the adorable mothers, to the thousands of obscure heroines, who +remind us, in the words of the great poet of antiquity, that the best +women have been those whom the world has heard least of. + +The loveliest picture in the world is that which represents a soldier +lying on the battlefield with a woman kneeling by his side tending his +wounds. Let the field be that of the everyday battle of life. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXI + +THE KIND OF WOMAN I LOVE + + Another answer to critics--Distorted minds--The portrait of a + womanly woman. + + +I once wrote an article on 'The Woman I Hate,' which brought me an +avalanche of letters, not all very pleasing reading. Many of them +conveyed to me the wrath of viragos, women's-righters, petticoated +males, trousered females, misunderstood and unclaimed women, ripe, +spectacled spinsters, cockatoos of all sorts and conditions, who +happened by the irony of fate and freaks of nature to be born of a sex +of which they failed to be an ornament. + +One of these correspondents accused me of 'possessing a nasty mind' for +sneering at lady doctors. 'You insult women,' she says. 'Can you +imagine, for instance, a respectable woman submitting to an examination +by a man?' My dear lady, I am afraid I must return you the compliment. +Let me assure you that, just as an artist will see nothing in a female +figure beyond beauty and perfect harmony of lines, and will admire her +with as cool a mind as he would a statue, just so a doctor will examine +a woman as he would a piece of anatomy, and your mind must be fearfully +distorted and impure, if you imagine for a moment that a single +objectionable thought will pass through the mind of this man of +science. + +If you really do think so, let me assure you that I pity you, or even +must despise you, from the bottom of my heart. And, while on this +subject, allow me to remind you that an eminent American man exclaimed +only the other day: 'In our country we have a great many female +doctors, female lawyers, female journalists, female orators, female +preachers, and females in all classes and professions and trades, but +what we want is a good many more female women.' + +The woman I love is the female woman that I would protect and cherish +in return for all the sweet attention she would pay me, and which would +enable me to cheerfully fight the battle of life. How to describe her I +hardly know. + +Should she be beautiful? Not necessarily. Pretty? Yes, rather. Good +figure? Decidedly. Clever? H'm--yes. Cheerful? By all means. Punctual? +Like a military man. Serious? Not too much. Frivolous? Yes, just a +little. Of a scientific turn of mind? B-r-r-r! no; I should shudder at +the idea of it. Of an artistic nature, then, with literary tastes? Yes, +certainly. But, above all, a keen, sensible, tactful little woman who +would make it the business of her life to study me, as I would make it +the business of my life to study her; a woman who could be in turn, +according to circumstances, a housewife, a counsellor, a 'pal,' a wife, +a sweetheart, a nurse, a patient, the sunshine of my life, and always a +confidante, a friend, and a partner. + +In a little Normandy town I have a dear lady friend, Parisienne to the +core, whom I have known and loved from childhood. She is not far from +sixty, but, upon my word, I think she is still very beautiful. She was +in succession a loving, devoted daughter, an excellent wife, and an +adorable mother. She has now lost all she loved in the world, and she +devotes her time cultivating a lovely garden of flowers and attending +all the church services of the parish. A beggar never passes her +without receiving a little contribution, and she helps many a poor +family. In a word, the gay life of Paris is all forgotten, and you +would imagine that my recluse friend was a hermit, a sort of lay nun, +as it were. + +Well, yes, she is all that; but isn't she a woman still, though! 'Do +you see,' she was saying to me one day, 'I have renounced all my +worldly ideas? My flowers, my books, my poor friends, that's the only +thought of my life now. I am old; I don't care how I dress or how I +look. Anything does for me now. The Parisienne that you used to know, +my dear friend, is dead and buried.' + +'What a charming dress you have on!' I remarked. 'I do admire the +material and the colour, and the cut, too. And how beautifully made and +finished! Did you have that made in this town?' + +The expression of her face was a study. + +'My dear friend,' she exclaimed, 'you do not imagine I would get a +dress made in this stupid little hole of a town. They make bags here, +not gowns.' And she almost looked indignant, the dear! at the idea that +I could suppose she had not her dresses made in Paris. I smiled, and +said nothing. + +And, as I looked at the book-shelves in her boudoir, I saw 'L'Imitation +de Jesus-Christ.' The volume next to it was 'Les Secrets du Cabinet de +Toilette.' I could not help making a little sarcastic remark to my dear +old friend. + +'Well, _mon cher ami_,' she said, 'do you think the _bon Dieu_ would +give me a better reception if I presented myself with a face covered +with wrinkles? By the way, what is that stuff they make in England +which you told me is so good for the skin?' + +Those little contradictions in a good and delightful woman make her +lovable. So I think, at any rate. + +The woman I love is the woman who possesses all the womanly virtues and +qualities--sweetness, devotion, reliability. The little failings I +forgive in her are those of her sex--frivolity and the divine right of +changing her mind. If in any way woman apes man, she is intolerable and +hateful. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXII + +THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN THE WORLD + + The Irish, Hungarian and Spanish women--The beauty of the English + and French women--The redeeming feature of every American woman. + + +If I were asked to name the spots of the earth where my eyes had the +privilege of beholding the most beautiful specimens of womanhood, I +think I would name the streets of Buda-Pesth and the drawing-rooms of +Ireland. If, on the other hand, I were asked to say whether there is +not, perchance, a spot of the earth where no woman is absolutely, +helplessly plain, where she always has a redeeming feature to speak in +her favour, I would unhesitatingly answer: 'Yes, the United States of +America; for in that country, let a woman have as unpleasant a face as +possible, as bad a figure as "they make them," there is an air of +independence, a deliberate gait, a pair of intelligent eyes, that will +go a long way towards making you forget or overlook the shortcomings of +the body.' + +On the whole, I think the Hungarian women are the most beautiful in the +world. They have the faces of Madonnas and the figures of Greek +statues; both Raphael and Phidias would have chosen them for models. +They are not languishing, diaphanous creatures; they are the embodiment +of health and strength. They stand erect and straight, are hearty and +vigorous to the core, perfect pictures of abounding vitality. Yet their +limbs and features are full of delicacy. They have large eyes and small +feet, full arms, plump hands with small, tapering fingers, and +delicious ankles. The inclination of the shoulders is perfect, and the +bosom absolutely classical. No curve is exaggerated, but every one is +there, the right size in the right place. The sun has spread a reddish +golden tint, like the colour of a beautiful ripe peach, over her +complexion. + + * * * * * + +She seldom presents a riddle to the psychologist, and effeminate +ethereal poets do not sing of her. She is the vigorous embodiment of +sensible womanhood. As her exterior, so her whole character is +enchantingly fresh and matter-of-fact. She eats well and heartily, and +is an athlete. She swims, dances, rides, walks. In England, you find +very pretty faces among the lowest class people; in France, you seldom +do. In Hungary, grace and beauty know no difference between high and +low, and often bestow upon a poor, barefooted, short-skirted peasant +girl (with her beautiful oval face framed in a kerchief tied under her +chin) the same ravishing form, the same graceful carriage, the same +magically attractive glance as upon her more favoured sister. + + * * * * * + +But who can touch--even approach--the Irish woman with her dark hair, +her blue, sometimes light purple large eyes, her glorious complexion, +her soft, velvety skin, her beautiful, graceful form? Sometimes the +lower portion of the face is a little too long, but her brow is beyond +competition. The Irish woman is a symphony in white satin. Add to these +physical attractions the brightness of her expression, the amiability +of her smile, and you will come to the conclusion that her charm is +unapproachable. + +There is so much patriotism in the world, or, I should rather say, so +much provincialism, that men all over the earth give the palm for +beauty to the women of their own country. Now, dear American friends, +you know this is true. Would any of you deny that the American women +are the most beautiful women in the world? + +I am sorry to say that the beauty of French women is praised by my +compatriots only. + +I am such a cosmopolitan that I have no biassed mind. I have been a +traveller for thirty years. In 1870 I shed a pint of blood and lost the +use of my right arm (for military purposes at any rate), so that France +and myself are quits, and I feel I have a right to express myself on +French topics quite as freely and independently as on any other +country. I thoroughly believe that the French women are the most +charming and certainly the most sensible women (where would France be +now but for the women?), but they are far from being beautiful. They +have not the eyes of the Spanish women, nor the complexion and shapely +figures of the English, nor the brilliant faces of the American women; +but what makes them charming is that they have a little bit of +everything, of which they know how to make the best. The French woman +is an _ensemble_. + +It must be admitted that, after praising the women of their own +country, most men award to Spanish women the palm for beauty. The +conclusion must naturally be that the Spanish woman is very beautiful; +but, to my mind, it is a kind of beauty that does not appeal to the +heart or the soul as it does to the senses. Her large eyes, veiled by +thick lashes, her delicate nose and well-formed, ever-moving nostrils, +her undulating form, the suppleness, almost boneless, beautifully +moulded limbs and figure, her vigour, her languor--every fibre of the +Spanish woman's body, I say, appeals to the senses. She does not make +you dream of sentimental walks by moonlight, much less still of a +quiet, happy life in some retired, secluded little cottage. In her +company, you would never dream of being mayor of your city and father +of a numerous family. No, the Spanish woman strikes you as a +bewitchingly beautiful creature, jealous, sensitive, proud, a sort of +mixture of lioness and tigress that would suggest to you the idea of +spending your life sailing on a stormy sea. On looking at her, you +would almost like to start an acquaintance with a quarrel. If I were +married to a fair woman of Andalusia, I would feel that the best +moments of my life would be 'making it up' with her. + + * * * * * + +If the law of my country made polygamy compulsory, I would make love to +an English woman or a fair daughter of Virginia; I would have my house +kept by a German wife; my artistic inclinations I would trust to a +French woman; my intellectual ones to an American one. Then, when life +got a bit dull and I wanted my blood stirred up, I would call on my +Spanish wife. I would get it. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIII + +BLONDES AND BRUNETTES + + Characteristics of blondes and brunettes--The _ingenue_ and the + villainess--Which of the two do men like better?--Sauterne and + Burgundy--I like both--All women cannot afford to be blondes-- + Blondes with dark eyes--Brunettes with blue eyes. + + +The ideal beautiful woman of the painters is a blonde. + +Eve, Venus, Helen of Troy, all the celebrated beauties of antiquity and +mythology, are invariably represented as blondes. + +Only Cleopatra escaped it. + +The reason is no doubt that the very colouring of the blonde, her fair +white skin, her light blue or gray eyes, suggest in her the possession, +the embodiment of all that is womanly. The blonde is the woman _par +excellence_. + +Some people declare that blondes appeal to the imagination, to the +heart and to the soul, and brunettes to the senses--that the former are +sentimental, sweet, modest, good-tempered, obedient, nay, angelical, +whereas brunettes are strong-minded, assertive, conceited, +quick-tempered, passionate, often revengeful, and sometimes devilish. + +I have known brunettes to be perfect angels, and sweet blondes to be +perfect little devils, and so have we all. + +However this may be, most women desire to be blondes, and the proof of +it is that, whereas a blonde never dyes her hair black, many brunettes +dye theirs gold, _blond cendre_, light mahogany, and other hues of the +blonde family. + +On the stage the ladies of the ballet and the chorus wear blonde wigs, +and the only possible reason to give for this is that managers believe +they will look more attractive to the audience as blondes than as +brunettes. + +In the modern melodrama, the _ingenue_ is blonde and the adventuress or +villainess is dark, especially in England and America, where every +member of the caste has to be well labelled from the beginning. If the +villainess were a blonde, the gallery would take her for the heroine, +and things would get terribly mixed. The gallery would no more +understand a blonde villainess than they could take for a villain a man +who did not wear a chimney-top hat and patent leather boots, smoke a +cigarette, squint all the time to the right and to the left, and hiss +like a snake every time he took breath. + +Poets are quite as partial as artists to blondes. Alfred de Musset sang +of her who was _blonde comme les bles_. Petrarch's sonnets were +addressed to the blonde and blue-eyed Laura. The ancient Greeks used to +call young blondes 'children of the gods.' For that matter, blondes +especially appeal to the men of the south on account of their rarity. + +Large, dreamy blue eyes, fair and soft skin, dainty features, slender +figure, such are the characteristics of the blonde which help to make +her the ideal young girl; but there is another beauty besides that of +the young girl, it is the beauty of the full-grown woman of thirty to +forty, a beauty that you will find oftener in the brunette than in the +blonde, a beauty more piquant, more solid, and more lasting; but I know +brunettes of thirty who are _passees_, and blondes of forty who are +beautiful. You cannot lay down any rule. + +Did I hear you ask me which I prefer? How can you ask such a question? +How can any man answer it? Good light sauterne is an exquisite wine; +full-bodied Burgundy is a most excellent beverage. + +I like both. + + * * * * * + +It is not every woman who can afford to be a blonde. If I were a rich +woman of leisure, I think I would ask to be a blonde. The blonde +requires much more care than the brunette. She has to avoid exposure, +and her beauty will last only as long as her appearance remains +youthful. The brunette does not suffer from exposure; on the contrary, +the sun improves her beauty as it does peaches. + +In northern countries you very seldom see a pretty woman among the +working classes; they are faded, wrinkled or freckled, and lack +expression. + +In Italy and Spain you see, in the streets, flower-girls and +fruit-sellers who could have given sittings to Raphael and Murillo. + +But I will tell you what I like, although you do not ask me, and that +is a blonde with brown eyes or, better still, a fine, tall brunette +with dark-blue eyes and the fine delicate skin of a blonde; and, if you +want to see the latter, go to Ireland, you will find her there in +plenty. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIV + +FLIRTS AND COQUETTES + + The difference between the two--Points of resemblance. + + +There is a great difference between the flirt and the coquette. The +flirt accepts, even invites, your attentions, without expecting +intentions. The coquette is a woman who gives you a promissory note +with a firm intention of dishonouring her signature. Just as the prude +often says No when she means Yes, the coquette whispers Yes all the +time meaning No. The flirt promises nothing. She has nothing to refuse, +because she does not allow you to ask for anything. She does not +compromise herself in any way. She says neither Yes nor No. She +encourages you to go on. You say to yourself, 'Will it be Yes or No? +Who knows? Perhaps Yes, perhaps No.' + +The coquette is generally a cold-hearted, cold-blooded woman, as +perfectly sure of herself as those famous Mexican horsemen who can ride +at full speed toward a precipice and stop suddenly dead on the edge of +it. The coquette has no capacity for love; she does not seek love, but +admiration and homage only. Unlike the flirt, she lacks cheerfulness +and humour. To obtain admiration and boast of a new conquest she will +risk even her reputation, compromise herself; yet her virtue is in safe +keeping, for she has neither heart nor passion. In the comedy of love +the coquette is the villain of the play. + +The coquette uses man as she does her dresses: she likes to be seen +with a new one every day. She kills for the sake of killing. She hunts, +but does not eat the game she brings down. She plays on man's vanity to +satisfy hers. The moment she has received a man's homage she will leave +him to occupy herself with one who has refused it to her. She is dull +and dreary. She may be as beautiful as you like, she is never lovable. +She should be shunned like the card-sharper, whom she resembles all the +more that against your good money she has nothing but counterfeit coin. + +The flirt, on the contrary, is cheerful, jolly, often full of fun, and +if you can make up your mind to accept her for what she is worth, she +may help you pass a very pleasant time. She is not serious, and she +does not want you to take her seriously. She is honest. She wants fun, +innocent fun. The coquette tries to lead you as far as she wishes you +to go; the flirt does not lead you any further than you wish to go. And +it may be added that, while flirts have often been known to make very +good wives, coquettes have invariably proved detestable ones. + +Winthrop was helplessly wrong when he said, 'A woman without coquetry +is as insipid as a rose without scent, champagne without sparkle, or +corned beef without mustard,' unless he meant (which he did not) to use +the French adjective, and not the noun, and say that a coquette is a +woman who, by the care she bestows on her dress and general appearance +and many other ways, knows how to make herself attractive and show +herself in the most advantageous light. + +The French language expresses the difference to a nicety. The word as +an adjective is complimentary, but certainly not as a noun. _Elle est +coquette_ means 'she dresses very elegantly, and has very winning +manners,' whereas _C'est une coquette_ means 'she is a coquette,' that +is to say, 'she tries to fascinate for the mere sake of fascinating.' + +The coquette plays on man's vanity and makes a fool of him. The flirt +displays her accomplishments and personal charms either to make you +have a pleasant time with her, or, when more serious, to lead you on to +an offer of marriage, which she will honestly accept, often with the +best results for yourself. + +It is only when you say of a woman that she is a 'desperate flirt' that +you may come to the conclusion that she is a coquette. Of course, when +the flirt is a married woman, she is a coquette; but when she is a +young girl, I would call her a very harmless person. On the other hand, +in opposition to that epithet of harmless, the adjective that is most +commonly coupled with the word 'coquette' is not 'harmless,' but +'heartless.' + +The word 'flirt' comes from the French _fleureter_, which means to +go from flower to flower, to touch lightly; but although the word is of +French origin, the thing itself is not French. Flirtation is a pastime +which is most essentially English. We do not flirt in France; we are +more serious than that in love-affairs. After all, flirtation is +trifling with love, and that game would be a dangerous one to play with +a Frenchman. A woman who flirts would pass in France for giddy, if not +worse. She knows her countryman well, and is aware what she would +expose herself to if she flirted with him. + +The English girl in flirting does not play with fire. Englishmen are +reserved, cold. The customs of the country grant liberty to the women, +and they accept flirtation for what it is worth. The worst they might +say of a girl who flirted with them would be, 'She is an awful flirt,' +with a mixed expression of pity and contempt. An English girl who has +had a good time at a party, a picnic, a ball, can say, 'I have had such +a flirtation!' Why, she could say that to her own mother, and if that +mother was still fairly young and good-looking, she might answer, 'And +so have I.' + +I take the American woman to be too intelligent--I had almost said too +intellectual--to enjoy that childish pastime. + +I hate the coquette and somewhat pity, if not despise, the flirt. I +love straightforwardness. I admire that woman who blooms in the shade, +who is earnest in her affections, and who waits until she is in love to +allow the curtain to rise; then who honestly, devotedly, +straightforwardly, goes through the whole comedy. + +In everything I hate imitations. If I cannot get the real article, I do +without it. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXV + +WHAT IS A PERFECT LADY? + + 'Am I the man as wants a gentleman to drive him?'--How can you tell + a lady?--A lady is a woman who adds to the virtues of a woman the + qualities of a gentleman. + + +In a clever article, Lady Violet Greville recently asked, 'What is a +lady?' + +A friend of mine was once asked in New York by a coachman if he was +'the man as wanted a gentleman to drive him.' + +I was myself told once by a negro hotel-porter, whom I had asked a +question about some baggage of mine, to apply 'to that gen'l'man over +there'--another negro porter. + +A lady friend of mine who visits the poor of her district once called +at a tenement house to inquire after a poor woman who was ill. The +woman who answered the door shouted to someone upstairs: 'Will you tell +the lady on the second floor that a young person from the district has +called to see her?' + +A lady acquaintance, who once happened to be alone in her home with a +maid who was ill, out of consideration for that girl, went herself to +open the door to a friend she had seen go up the steps of her house, so +as to save the maid the trouble of coming upstairs. The following day +that maid told a servant next door that 'her mistress was no lady,' as +she answered her door herself. + +'What is a lady?' asks Lady Violet Greville. + +Well, it is hard to tell in these democratic days, when every class +strives to ape the others above, when all people are equal to their +superiors and superior to their equals. + +With the modern extravagance in dress, the boisterous hats, the +outrageously _decollete_ dresses in restaurants and other public +places, the cigarette-smoking, the card-playing for high stakes, and +what not, I shall feel inclined to answer: 'You can tell a lady by the +efforts she makes to be taken for--anything but a lady.' + +Every class of society has its own definition of a lady. To the +inhabitants of the slums it is a woman who stops her nose when in +contact with them; to servants, it is one who does not do a stroke of +work in her house, pays their wages regularly, throws at them her +left-off clothes, and treats them like dirt; to tradespeople, it is one +who pays cash for what she buys; for dressmakers and milliners, it is a +woman who never bargains, and is known never to wear her gowns and hats +more than half a dozen times. + +What is that new supreme desire to pass for a lady? + +'It proceeds purely,' said Lady Violet Greville, 'from a wish to +imitate; it is vulgarity pure and simple. + +'It is the aspiration after gentility, the longing to appear what we +are not, the desire of the fly for the dinner-lamp. + +'It is the natural consequence of the religion of the Anglo-Saxon +race--make-believe. + +'A real lady's existence,' continues her ladyship, 'seems to outsiders +to be all sweetness, and passed in a land of milk and honey; whereas, +in reality, could her poor, crawling admirers realize it, the modern +lady's life is a compound of hard work, exhausting excitement, anxious +ease, and infinite disillusion. To begin with, she is often poorer than +her prosperous neighbour, compelled to practise petty and galling +economies, travel second class, wear cleaned gloves, and spend +unpleasant moments in street-cars and omnibuses. It is the vulgar +_nouveaux riches_ who own the carriages, the horses, the jewels, and +the money.' + +Yet the vulgar rich may be as lavish as they please, may throw gold out +of the windows, give a small fortune for their horses and carriages, +they have not enough money to buy what that lady possesses, her +delicacy and refinement. Even their servants know that, for they can +take the measure of the mushroom nobility to a T. + +In a few years more, no doubt, the word 'lady,' entirely divested of +the original meaning, far away buried in the mists of time, will merely +be the equivalent of the feminine gender, the female of the male, and +then the gentler bred and wiser of the sex will exult in bravely +calling themselves women. And they will be right. 'A perfect woman' +sounds to my ears far more sweetly than 'a perfect lady.' There is no +misunderstanding about the former. 'I am not an angel,' says an +_ingenue_ to her _fiance_ in some French play, the name of which now +escapes me; 'don't expect too much from me. I am only a woman.' A +woman--only a woman. Heavens! that is good enough for anybody! + +Lady Violet Greville concludes her clever article by a beautiful +definition of a lady: + +'The real lady settles her debts, does not forget her liabilities, +would as soon cheat as commit murder, and actually considers an +engagement a binding duty. She has a soft voice and a pleasant manner; +she is the daughter of evolution and the survival of the fittest. If +she has nerves, she does not show them. She has courage of the finest +sort, the courage of her opinions and the moral courage to deny +herself.' + +I feel almost inclined to draw myself up, and say of the real lady: 'In +short, she possesses all the qualities that make up a gentleman.' + +Tell me, ladies, if this is not just like a man. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVI + +MAMMIES AND GRANNIES + + Cupboard love--Every kind of love is more or less selfish except + maternal love--Maternal love over-rated--If you never had a + grannie, do get one--Reminiscences of grannies--A sacrifice-- + Grannies are not at all prejudiced in favour of their grandchildren. + + +Every kind of love is more or less cupboard love. I mean to say that +love, whatever form it may assume, requires, or, at any rate, expects, +some equivalent for it in return in the shape of affection, happiness, +or pleasure. I only make one exception in favour of maternal love. The +most loving sweetheart, husband, wife, or child expects to be loved, +almost demands it. The loving mother expects nothing, demands nothing. + +A mother will love her child, however bad that child may be, however +unloving and ungrateful, whatever unhappiness and even sorrow he or she +may cause to her. A mother will love and bless a child whom the whole +world has condemned. A mother's love and forgiveness will follow a +child to the scaffold. There is no limit to it. It is infinite. + +Maternal love, far above others, is the very sentiment that keeps us in +touch with heaven. It is the only holy love. + +And that love is so inborn in woman that you see it already written on +the face of the little girl who plays with her doll. It is so inborn in +woman that I find something incongruous in such a remark as, 'She was a +good and loving mother!' All mothers are good and loving. All rules +have exceptions, but this one has none. + +Therefore it is no extraordinary testimonial for a woman to be fond of +her children, because all mothers are fond of their children and good +to them, even the fiercest and cruellest of animals. The feeling is +given to them by Nature. We all profit by it, we are all happier for +it. For being able to dispense maternal love, woman is to be admired +and blessed, but not congratulated. A child is part and parcel of a +mother. In loving her child, a woman loves part of herself. It is not +selfishness, but, somehow, a little self-love. In her love for her +child, whether returned or not, she finds happiness. + + * * * * * + +But for disinterestedness, never mind mammie: give me grannie's love. +God ought to spare grandmammas; they never ought to die, the dear, +lovely grannies! + +'Haven't you a grandma?' once asked a little boy of another. 'No? Well, +you should get one!' True, no child should be without one. + +Victor Hugo said he submitted to one tyranny only, that of children. +The author of 'The Art of being Grandfather' was right: that tyranny +ought not only to be submitted to, but proclaimed. And who better than +a grandmother will submit to the tyranny of a child? The sacrifices +they will be capable of are superhuman, epic. I know one who charms +away the last days of her life by a dainty little supper of biscuit and +cream-cheese brought to her every day. She never now comes down in the +evening, and that frugal repast is taken up to her when dinner is about +over. + +Her little granddaughter once came up to her room crying bitterly. She +was in disgrace, and had been sent away from table before the +appearance of the pudding. + +'Grannie,' she said, 'I am not to have any pudding; you ought not to +have your cream-cheese.' + +'But, darling,' pleaded grandmamma, throwing a loving glance at the +little dish of her predilection, 'I haven't been naughty.' + +'Never mind; you ought not to have any when your little girl cannot +have any pudding.' And the little tyrant cried more bitterly than ever. + +Grannie rang the bell, ordered the favourite cream-cheese to be taken +away, and, drying the little girl's tears, supped that night off a bit +of bread-and-butter. + +Antiquity has not recorded anything like it. + +People say that mothers are prejudiced in favour of their children. Of +course they are. We are all of us prejudiced in favour of what belongs +to us, especially if it is of our own manufacture. But for the opinion +held of a child, give me grannie's--that is sublime. + +Once a lady of my acquaintance, on a visit to her mother, was in the +drawing-room with her own little girl on her knees. Grandmamma, in +ecstasy, was worshipping baby, challenging the world to produce such +another. A lady called, took some notice of the child, and talked a +great deal about her own baby, a great deal too much to please +grandmamma, at any rate. When the visitor had gone, the dear old lady +gave expression to her feelings: + +'How silly women are, to be sure! Did you hear that woman talk and talk +about her child? Good heavens! one would imagine, to hear her praise +her baby, that there was no such a one in the world.' + +And she laughed heartily at the presumption of that silly, conceited +young mother. + +'But, grandmamma,' quickly said my lady friend, 'you must forgive her. +I have heard you many times declare that this, our baby, was by far the +best and finest the world has ever seen.' + +'Ah, my dear,' replied grannie, not in the least disconcerted and in +absolute earnestness, 'that's _quite_ different. In our case it's +the truth, and no one could deny it.' + +Certainly not! Who would dare? + +The love of a grandmother, with its delightful weaknesses, with that +complete collapse of all power of resistance to a child, is no sign of +senility; it is only the love of a mother multiplied by two. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVII + +ON MOTHERS-IN-LAW + + How to deal with them--Difference between a misfortune and an + accident--'That will spoil the whole thing'--Shoot her! + + +Adam, they say, must have been a happy man: he had no mother-in-law. + +I once heard a Frenchman give the following definition of the +difference that exists between an accident and a misfortune. Suppose +you walk along the bank of a river in the company of your +mother-in-law. If she should fall into the water and be drowned, it is +an accident; if she fall into the water and be pulled out alive, it is +a misfortune. + +The mother-in-law is not dreaded in England. An English mother has no +authority over her son: how could she dream of having any over a +son-in-law? The mother-in-law is an object of terror in France, where +the ascendancy of woman over man is a powerful factor in the social +life of the country. + +The French woman leads her husband by the nose, and her sons are +submissive to her as long as they remain unmarried, and even when they +are married they remain more or less under her influence until she +dies. That French mother is queen at home, and when she sees that her +daughter has started an establishment of her own, she generally at once +goes there to settle for a little while, sometimes for a long while, to +put her daughter up to a few points about the management of man. + +That often causes difficulties and spoils the game; but as nine times +out of ten the young wife will take her mother's part in any little +unpleasantness that may arise, the husband submits. He knows that the +mother-in-law is the drawback of matrimony. He has taken his wife for +better and for worse, and 'worse' includes mamma. The bargain is fair. +He has signed, and he honours his signature. Besides, he has a +consolation, that of knowing that his mother-in-law will give his wife +plenty of good and useful advice on housekeeping, teach her economy, +and be ever ready to come to her help in times of need. + +I know very little of private life in America, but I know, at all +events, the supremacy of woman in social and family life, and, +therefore, I should feel inclined to suspect the American mother-in-law +to be as unpopular as the French one. The most striking point of +resemblance between America and France is the way in which women treat +men and are treated by them. + +Was it not in America that I heard the following story? A man enjoyed +the possession of a beautiful and loving wife and a very uncongenial +mother-in-law. The latter fell ill, and her daughter went to nurse her. +At last the husband one day received the following telegram: 'Mother +dead; shall we have her embalmed, cremated, or buried?' The husband +wired back: 'Do the three; take no chance.' + +How like the following, which is French: A man loses his wife. As the +funeral is about to leave the house he is ushered into the first +mourning-carriage. His mother-in-law is there. 'I cannot, I will not go +in that carriage!' he exclaims. 'My mother-in-law is in it.' 'But you +must,' he is told; 'you are the husband of the corpse.' 'Must I?' he +says. 'Well, if I must I will, but it will spoil the whole thing.' + +I have always wondered how it is that men so much complain of their +mothers-in-law and that women so seldom do. Poor, dear little women! +They do have mothers-in-law, too--mothers-in-law to find fault with +their housekeeping, and to remind them that before they married their +sons were attended at home by most devoted sisters. The mother-in-law +of a man, no doubt, is often in the way. You sometimes wish she was not +there, but with a little diplomacy you can manage her, and even get rid +of her. + +I recommend the following plan; it proved a big success with a friend +of mine. A short time after his marriage his mother-in-law arrived and +installed herself in his house. My friend welcomed her, and lavished +the most assiduous attentions upon her. He was not a church-goer; he +went to church, and insisted on carrying the excellent lady's books of +devotion. When a walk was taken, it was to her he offered his arm. +'Your mother is old,' he said to his wife, 'and so kind, too! I am +getting awfully fond of her.' In the evening, after his wife had +retired, he sat up with his mother-in-law and took a hand at piquet. At +the end of the week the mamma-in-law had vanished as if by magic. The +young and neglected wife had managed the affair. + +But for a woman to get rid of her mother-in-law I am afraid I have no +advice to offer, not even that offered by the greatest French +dramatist, Victorien Sardou, who says in that delightful play +'Seraphine': 'If ever you have to choose between living with your +mother-in-law or shooting yourself, do not hesitate a single +moment--shoot her.' + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVIII + +ON WIDOWS + + Women do have grievances--Various specimens of widows--The jolly + widow--The inconsolate widow--The plump widow--Marriageable + widows--Mourning and black--Last wills and testaments--How long + should a widow mourn her husband?--'You should have seen me + yesterday!' + + +Mothers-in-law are for ever a target for men's sarcasms. Stepmothers +are supposed to be the embodiment of everything that is mean. On the +other hand, I have never heard fathers-in-law turned into ridicule, and +stepfathers are invariably painted by novelists as unselfish, devoted +men who come to the rescue of widows, and help them to bring up their +children in comfort and happiness. + +Poor women do have grievances, and no mistake! + +And the widows--oh, the widows! Now, what have they done that they +should be the butts for the jokes that are made at their expense? Why +should they provoke the sarcasms and excite the scorn of men instead of +their pity or, at all events, their kind sympathy? + +If a widow's grief is great and she wears the deepest mourning, she is +called an 'inconsolable, desolate widow,' and people smile, saying with +a sneer: 'She will soon be cured.' If she bears up bravely and well, +she is called a 'jolly widow,' and people say: 'She is already better.' +If she remains amiable and attractive, she is immediately baptized a +'wily widow,' and if her good constitution is such that even her +sorrows and worries do not make her get thin, but the contrary, she is +called a 'plump widow,' and people wink. And all the time the widower +escapes scot-free. Men respect his sadness, are prepared to write odes +about him if he remain faithful to the memory of his wife, and send him +hearty congratulations if he remarry. Never a smile; no sarcasm, no +scorn! + +What awful cowards men are! And what surpasses me is that, as a rule, +women are to be found who join them in all the jovial remarks that are +passed on widows. + + * * * * * + +However, widows are not altogether without their revenge. They get many +advantages. They have the best of young girls in the matrimonial +market. The most-courted woman in the world is the rich young widow. +She has a fascination that very few unmarried women possess, and many +men prefer her. Why? Don't ask me. Widows know the world, have +experience in dealing with men. There are teachers, destitute of +patience, who prefer advanced pupils to beginners. Mere laziness, my +dear friends, nothing else! + +Men are so conceited, too! If they were not, how would they dare marry +a widow and constantly run the risk of being found far less loving, +pleasant, and attractive than number one was? It is true that if, after +a quarrel, a man's wife should exclaim, 'How I do regret my first +husband!' he would have a chance to cure her of that expression, by +remarking quietly: 'My dear, you will never regret him as much as I +do!' But all this does not suggest to the mind a happy condition of +matrimonial affairs. + + * * * * * + +Widows are less marriageable in England than in other countries, for +this reason: that their husbands, in their wills, almost invariably +stipulate that they leave so much to their wives on the condition that +they will not remarry. If they do, they forfeit everything. Of course, +to a certain extent, I understand that a man does not feel anxious to +know that if, by his industry and carefulness, he has succeeded in +amassing a plump little fortune, Smith, Brown, or Robinson will one day +enjoy it in the company of his wife. Still, why not? What does it +matter? If his wife has been good to him and she is still young when he +dies, why should he condemn her to solitude for the rest of her days? +What good does it do to him, when he is under the grass, to have his +wife lonely and miserable? If I were a woman ever so fond of my +husband, I would so much resent that stipulation that I would tear his +will in pieces and marry the first respectable and attractive man who +sought my hand. + +Compared to the Englishman who makes such a will, how I admire that +Frenchman who penned the following one: 'I leave to my dear wife, for +her sole and absolute use, everything I possess and everything I may +become possessed of. She may remain a widow or remarry, just as she +pleases. I am not afraid of competition!' I cannot help thinking that +this is the proper way to treat a woman who has been a true friend to +you, the partaker of your pleasures, of your joys and sorrows, and +that, on leaving her, you may as well pay her the compliment of taking +it for granted that she will know what is best for her and act +accordingly. + +In France, a widow wears deep mourning for her husband during a year, +and half mourning during another year. Many a French widow wears +mourning during her lifetime. For that matter, there is no country in +the world where mourning is worn so long as in France, in the provinces +especially, where half the population is in black for somebody or +other. This outside show of grief may be exaggerated, for real mourning +is worn in the heart, not in the clothes; yet if a French widow in a +small provincial town should shorten her widow's veil by an inch, +people would say: 'If she never cared for her husband, she might have +the decency not to advertise the fact and fish already for another!' +And you have to conform to the usages of a country, especially when you +live in one which, like provincial France, is built of glass houses. + + * * * * * + +How long should a widow mourn the loss of her husband? + +Two days after the funeral of her husband, a young widow received the +visit of a friend, who remarked, on seeing the sadness engraven on her +face: + +'Poor dear! how sad, how haggard you look!' + +'Ah, dear, that's nothing,' sighed the young widow; 'you should have +seen me yesterday!' + +As a rule husbands are mourned as long as they deserve. + +And so are we all. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIX + +ON OLD MAIDS + + Different types of old maids--Many of them are undisguised + blessings--Few men are good enough for women--Old bachelors and old + maids. + + +Next to the mother-in-law, the stepmother, and the widow, it is the old +maid who comes in for the largest share of scorn and sarcasm, and this +is all the more mean that, nine times out of ten, she is not +responsible for her position. The more generous-minded call her +'unclaimed blessing,' but many are found, women amongst them, who +whisper 'Cat!' And all this is perhaps nothing compared to 'ancient +spinster.' + +I cannot help thinking, however, that feelings of quite a different +nature ought to be entertained towards the old maid. If it is owing to +her bad looks or her poverty that her hand has not been sought, or if +she was once engaged to be married and then jilted and disgusted out of +all idea of ever marrying, she should be pitied. If she has had offers +of marriage and has declined them, she should be respected for not +having married a man she could not love. If she was once engaged, and +her lover died, she should be admired for wishing to remain faithful to +his memory. If she simply wished to remain free and independent and use +her fortune, as many old maids do, in philanthropic work, she should be +blessed. If she refused to accept matrimony as a means of livelihood +(the hardest and most thankless of all), her example should be +followed. And, finally, if there do exist old maids crabby, sulky, +peevish, selfish, and with all the other defects that are generally and +most ungenerously attributed to old maids, they should be thanked by a +grateful community for having spared men the risk of leading with them +a life of wretchedness and misery. + +I am of opinion that old maids and widows should inspire nothing but +generous feelings of sympathy in the heart of man. Old maids are the +wallflowers of that great dancing-party which is called Life. Let men +who have overlooked them and women who have found partners be +charitable, and let men whom they declined to associate with in the +bonds of matrimony be gentlemanly, manly enough to take no mean revenge +by scorning them. + +No doubt there are despicable old maids--women who shirk all their +duties in life, and on whom not even a dog or a parrot depends for its +happiness, but they are the great exception, and for selfishness and +self-indulgence I should decidedly feel inclined to give the palm to +old bachelors. Some old maids are the comfort of parents in their old +age, others are the devoted mothers of brothers' and sisters' children, +while others are the friends of the poor and the nurses of the sick. + +A great prejudice on the subject of old maids is that they are poor +forlorn creatures, who spend their lives wailing and mourning over the +absence of that man who never proposed. There is nothing to mourn over +in that. It is no loss, nothing to regret; not more than one man out of +ten is worth having. Most old maids ought to spend their lives in glee +and gratitude for a narrow escape. I know very little about women, but +I am afraid I do a great deal about men, and it is my firm conviction, +and I will express it with all the frankness, all the brutality I am +capable of, that there are very few men indeed who are good enough for +women. + +I know of nothing more pleasant than the company of a jolly, +broad-minded, intelligent old maid, who knows that she can let herself +'go' and be a good 'pal' to you, without running the risk of hearing +remarks passed of a more or less objectionable character. I know of +nothing more enjoyable than the pleasure of such an old maid's company. +I count old maids among my most cheerful and companionable friends. + +The old bachelor is a social failure, a sort of rebellious outcast, who +ought to pay an income-tax of ten shillings in the pound. But the old +maid who is bright, clever, cheerful, generous, charitable, hospitable, +is an ornament to society and one of its most useful members. + + + + +CHAPTER XL + +SHOULD PEOPLE REMARRY? + + The excuse most people give for remarrying--St. Peter's opinion of + men who have been married more than once--Stepmothers. + + +In some countries of the Far East the question has been settled, so far +as women are concerned: they burn their widows. In many places much +nearer home it is not unfrequent to hear the opinion expressed that +widows should be disposed of as in Malabar. Our genial friend Mr. Sam +Weller, senior, entertained, on the subject, views which did not much +differ from those of the sages of Malabar. + +In the case of widowers I should feel inclined to answer the question +in the negative. If you have been happy in your first marriage, do not +risk comparisons which might be odious. If you have been unhappy, do +not ask for a second dose. In both cases, therefore, I come to the +conclusion that the answer should be, Don't! + +People who remarry, men or women, have invariably the same excuse. They +apologize by saying that they take the important step for their +children's sake. If they were to follow their own inclination, they +would spend the rest of their natural lives weeping over the graves of +the beloved defunct, but they must not be selfish and think of +themselves alone, they must remember that they have children who depend +on them for their welfare, and they are ready to do their duty and +sacrifice their own inclinations and feelings. The devotion of which +the human heart is capable, man's especially, will save the race from +oblivion when it is gone from the earth. + +A widower who remarries invariably reminds his friends that children +should be brought up under the sweet and beneficial care of a woman, +and he tells them that he remarries to give a mother to his dear little +ones--nine times out of ten an indifferent one, and not unfrequently a +bad one. If he has no children, he says he is so lonely that he must +have a companion, also a housekeeper, and he gives you to understand +that all this is 'en tout bien, tout honneur.' And he says it to his +friends, and he repeats it to himself so often that he finishes by +believing it is so. + +The widow with children will tell you that she cannot support her +children and that she wants a protector for them and for herself. And +she often speaks the truth. At any rate, if you listen to them all, not +one will ever tell you frankly that he remarries because he has fallen +in love with a woman, and she because she has met a man who appeals to +her fancy. When people apologize for what they do, I always suspect +them of having done something of which they are not particularly proud, +if not absolutely ashamed. + +No man has ever been in the next world and returned to earth to tell +his fellow-creatures what he saw there except Lazarus; but his +contemporaries neglected to interview him, and we are as much in the +dark on the subject as if he had never left his grave. However, there +is a rumour, in Catholic countries at all events, that St. Peter admits +all married men, without any other qualification than the fact that +they were married and, therefore, had their purgatory on earth, but +that he invariably and rigorously turns out any man who has been +married more than once. It is said that, when they protest, suggesting +that if he lets in men who have been married once and have thus had +their purifying martyrdom on earth, surely he ought to let them in who +have been married more than once, he slams the door in their faces, +saying: 'Do you take this place for a lunatic asylum?' + +I know a Scotchman who, the other day, married his fourth wife. He is +only sixty-seven years old, and no widow or old maid should give up +hope in the little village of five hundred inhabitants where he lives. +He is proud to say that he has never taken a wife out of that village. +All his wives have made him happy, and he has made them all happy, as +you can ascertain from the epitaphs he has written himself on the +tombstone that stands over the grave where they are all at rest in +chronological order. He specially praises them for the love and care +they bestowed on the children of those that went before. + +I believe, in spite of what is said, that such a thing as a good +stepmother can be found. Stepmothers, like mothers-in-law, get more +abuse than they deserve. + +I know stepmothers who have been devoted mothers to their husband's +children. I even know some who had children of their own, and who +continued to be excellent mothers to the children by a former wife; but +it is expecting too much of a woman to ask her to love other people's +children as dearly as she does her own. Two broods will seldom live +happily huddled together in the same nest. If it sometimes happens to +be so, it is the exception. + +The world is crowded with young girls who have preferred a rough life +of toil and misery to living with cold, indifferent stepmothers, who +made them keenly feel the loss they had sustained when their own +mothers died. + +When the children are grown up, there is no excuse for a man to +remarry. Yet he sometimes marries a young girl, but then it is, on his +part, a sacrifice again. He wants to give a companion and a playfellow +to his daughters, and, to attain that end, he does not hesitate to +commit an infamy. Sometimes he marries an old one, and commits an act +of profanity, of _lese amour_. A man, fond of his wife, does not see +her grow old; but no woman above fifty can inspire in a man of any age +any other sentiments than those of friendship and respect. He may be +the friend of such a woman, but he should not be her husband. + +We might philosophize at great length on such topics. + +I loathe giving advice, yet I cannot refrain from saying as much as +this: If either a widower or a widow fall in love again, let them +remarry by all means; but if the real inducement is the love of their +children, let them, for the sake of Heaven, for the very sake of their +children, engage the services of a good, motherly housekeeper. This has +invariably proved to answer very well. + + + + +CHAPTER XLI + +THE LAWS AND CEREMONY OF MARRIAGE + + Laws that will be altered during the twentieth century--People will + have to pass examinations before they are allowed to marry--The + Church should give young couples a happy start, and change the + ceremony of marriage. + + +It is my sincere belief, as it is my fond hope, for the sake of +humanity, that the laws of marriage will be altered before this century +is fifty years old. Just as the Legislatures of all the civilized +nations will change the laws relating to inheritance and the tenure of +the land and the treasure therein, so that the earth may be enabled to +feed her children and keep her workers in comfort, and that none may +enjoy the privileges of wealth who does not return some equivalent for +it to the community, just so will these Legislatures alter the present +laws of marriage, which now bind people unfit to live together and +allow the production of species which ought to get extinct. I believe +that by-and-by people will not be allowed to get married just as they +please, and simply because they please. Insane, sickly persons will not +be permitted to marry and bring insane and sickly children into the +world. There will be some careful pruning done for the good of the +human race, which, as it is, threatens to overcrowd the earth. + +Before the law allows couples to marry, I believe--upon my word, I +do!--that it will require them to pass an examination and to prove that +they are fit persons for the undertaking, that their bodies and their +minds are sound and healthy, that they have means of living and the +prospect of keeping the families that may be born to them. Their +antecedents will be thoroughly investigated. It will be ascertained +that there is no insanity, no hereditary disease in the family of +either of them. + +Old men of seventy will not be allowed to marry young girls of eighteen +or twenty. Old ladies of temporarily unsound minds will not be +permitted to be taken to the altar by calculating young men eager to +live without working, whatever indemnity the said young men may receive +for their adoption by the said old ladies. Marriage will be held +sacred, and no one will be allowed to trifle with the institution. + +Then it will no longer be the custom to commit adultery or acts of +cruelty in order to obtain a divorce. No couples will be compelled to +remain fastened together, living a life of misery. If they find it +impossible to live happily and comfortably together, their mutual +consent to a divorce will be sufficient to secure their freedom. + +By the adoption of such laws, with the daily improvement of all +sanitary arrangements and the progress of science, disease and misery +will disappear, the human race will become more healthy, happy, and +beautiful, and more than ever men and women will fall in love with each +other. + + * * * * * + +Then I hope that the Church will institute a new ceremony of marriage +that will give young couples a cheerful start, and do away with the +present one, which is dismal and brutal enough to disgust people out of +matrimony. + +Fancy bringing a sweet, innocent girl, maybe still in her teens, to +hear a dull, awful, solemn clergyman say to her, in front of her, close +to her: 'Dearly beloved brethren, we are gathered together here, in the +face of this congregation, to join together this man and this woman in +holy matrimony, which is an honourable estate ... not by any to be +enterprised, nor taken in hand unadvisedly, lightly, or wantonly, to +satisfy men's carnal lusts and appetites, like brute beasts that have +no understanding.' And then he goes on to tell you things sufficient to +make your hair stand on end. He tells you that matrimony was ordained +for a remedy against sin. Yes, you bring your darling young bride to +hear herself called a remedy against sin, almost a penance for your +sins. There, behind you, stand half a dozen young bridesmaids, +blushing, wondering what those brute beasts, that have no +understanding, have to do with you, and you feel ready to fall on your +knees and implore the forgiveness of the beloved young bride at your +side for having brought her there to hear such things. When, finally, +that minister says to her, 'Wilt thou have this man to be thy wedded +husband? Wilt thou obey him and serve him, love, honour him?' I wonder +she does not exclaim indignantly: 'Not I, indeed, thanks--not for the +world!' + +I do hope the Church will invent a ceremony that will make a wedding, +instead of a fearful ordeal, a thing of beauty never to be forgotten by +those who go through it; the Church made a bower of flowers, sweet +music, a short address consisting of the most beautiful and pathetic +verses from the Proverbs and the Song of Solomon, and a shower of +flowers thrown on the path of the bride, when the ceremony is over. + +If I had my own way, I would read to them two or three chapters from +the second part of that inimitable book which has filled so many French +married lives with poetry, 'Monsieur, Madame et Bebe'--only in French; +that book cannot possibly be translated into English. + + + + +CHAPTER XLII + +ON NURSES + + Nurses look the happiest women in the world--Their lives and their + privileges--True story of a nurse. + + +If I were a woman of robust health, rich or poor, and I had no +fascination for men, and matrimony had no fascination for me, I would +become a nurse. The great, the only problem to solve in life, after +all, is happiness, and the only possible way to be happy is to feel +that you are wanted and you cause happiness in others; in a word, that +somebody is glad and grateful that you are alive. I know I should find +a great deal of happiness in nursing. I have had to deal with nurses in +France during nine months in a military hospital after the Commune, +when a compatriot of mine, an insurgent, of whom I never had the +pleasure of making the personal acquaintance, shot me in the arm, and +also in Great Britain, during a severe illness which I contracted in +the North of Scotland, far away from home. + +Nurses look all cheerful and happy, and the beauty of their faces, in +England, is enhanced, I must say, by a pleasing, very becoming +semi-nunlike attire, that gives them a peculiar charm which you find in +no other women. There is engraven on their faces that joy of living +which Heaven seems to stamp upon the faces of women who devote +themselves to the well-being and happiness of their fellow-creatures +and to the assuaging of their pains and sufferings. Yes, nurses all +look beautiful, and if I were a woman, theirs is the kind of beauty +which I should like to possess. + +I remember seeing one by the death-bed of a little girl whom she had +tenderly nursed, standing at the bedside, motionless, beautiful in her +impassive grace, and looking like one of those angels that painters +delight in representing at the bedside of children whose souls they +have come to bear to the abode of the seraphim. + +Another thing that would induce me to embrace that profession--or +vocation I ought rather to call it--is the absolute freedom that nurses +enjoy. Their very dress inspires respect in all alike, high and low. +They can go wherever they like with their uniform on--into a first tier +box at the opera or into the lowest slums of the city. Everybody will +stand back to let them pass; all will throw at them a glance of +sympathy and admiration. The upper tens treat the nurse like the lady +that she is, the submerged ones like the angel that brings them a ray +of sunshine. The nurse may be ever so beautiful, the worst roue in the +street will not only never think of following her, much less annoying +her by his loathsome assiduities, but he will allow her to pass +unnoticed in perfect freedom and security, and will not unlikely leave +the pavement to make room for her. I believe that the pickpocket in an +omnibus would hesitate to help himself to her purse, even if that light +companion of hers made itself conspicuous to him by its proximity and +easiness of access. If he should yield to the temptation and be caught, +he would run the risk of being lynched. + +I have heard it said that many women become nurses, hospital nurses +especially, with a keen eye on matrimony. It is a fact that a good many +nurses marry doctors they have come in contact with, hospital students +they have worked with, and even sometimes patients they have nursed +during a protracted and painful illness. The wounded officer and his +nurse have been the hero and the heroine of many plays and novels; but +very few women undertake to lead a life of seclusion and slavery, of +abnegation and devotion, a life which entails work day and night, and +even danger of contracting infectious disease, with a view to +matrimony. + +On the other hand, I dare say that a fair number of women have become +nurses after the sad ending of some love-affair, in order to divert +their thoughts from the death of a beloved sweetheart or the +unfaithfulness of a light-hearted lover. + +At all events, if the mother-in-law, the stepmother, the widow, the old +maid, the strong-minded woman, the ruling wife, the woman's-righter, +the woman _this_ and the woman _that_, have supplied themes for the +entertainment and the gaiety of nations, the humourist has invariably +left the nurse alone. + + * * * * * + +I was just now mentioning the fact that many women became nurses in +order to bestow on their suffering fellow-creatures the love which the +death of a dear lover prevented them from bestowing on a man. + +As an illustration, I will give a little story that I extract from my +early reminiscences. + +We were fast getting the better of the Communards in 1871, and my men +were warming to the work in grand style, when a piece of burst shell +hit me, and some of the fellows carried me off to the hospital. I +remember being puzzled that there should be relatively no pain in a +wound of that sort; but the pain came soon enough when the fever set +in. The doctor of the Versailles Hospital was a rough specimen, as army +doctors often are--in France, at any rate--and you may fancy that the +groans and moans of the other wounded were not soothing either. One day +the doctor told me I should soon be able to be removed to a country +hospital. That was after I had been under his treatment for six weeks. + +The sights, sounds, and smell of the place had grown so sickening to +me, that I think I could have kissed him when he talked of sending me +to St. Malo. He came in one morning, and, in his brusque way, said, as +he probed the wound for bits of shattered bone: + +'We shall be able to pack you off in a few days. You would like to get +transferred to St. Malo, would you not? You come from that part of the +country, don't you? The air will suit you.' + +He was a brute, but he had awfully good cigars, and used to make me +smoke one when he was going to have an extra 'go' at my wound. I +suppose he hoped the goodness might prove infectious. I used to call +him strings of bad names while he was digging away at his work on my +arm. Somehow it relieved me, and, truth to tell, he took it all in good +part. + +In a few days, then, I saw the last of him and he of me, and glad +enough was I to find myself in the clean, quiet, nun-tended hospital in +the dear old Breton town. There I had a room to myself, as each officer +had, and to lie there in that sweet sunny room and hear no groans but +my own was almost like being in heaven. The daily cleanings of the +wound, still pretty painful, were recommenced under the hands of +another surgeon, who proved to be a very good fellow. He and I struck +up quite a friendship after a while. + +Well, life was, if not exactly rosy, at any rate once more worth +living. The brightness and calm were very sweet after the horrors of +the Versailles hospital, and a serenity filled the air, like an echo of +organ tones brought in by the nuns from chapel. + +The nun who attended to me was an angel. I was there in St. Malo three +months. Before one month had passed I had grown to love her as I should +have loved my sister if she had lived. I loved the sound of her voice +and the touch of her deft, gentle hands. I would have gone through the +surgeon's probings without a groan if she might have re-bandaged the +arm afterwards. But Dr. Nadaud always did that himself. Sister +Gabrielle--that was what they called her--would come directly he had +done with me, and would try the bandages to make sure they were not +hurting, arrange the pillows afresh, and smooth out the wrinkles in the +counterpane and my brow at the same time, sympathizing with me all the +while in the sweetest fashion possible. Her voice was a great part of +her charm, very low, and yet the clearest voice in the world. She had a +way of looking at one all the time, too, with a gaze that was almost +like a mother's caress, and that wrapped one around with a delicious +feeling of security and well-being. Sometimes she would sit and talk +with me about the battles, and lead me into chats about my mother, who +was ill herself at this time and not able to come to see me. + +How old was Sister Gabrielle? Oh, I suppose she must have been about +twenty-four or five then, perhaps a little more. She had the Norman +blue eyes and a fair complexion, which the white wrappings about her +face seemed to heighten and irradiate. Is it the white lawn, or is it a +beauty that the self-denying life lends to them which makes the faces +of so many of those women look so lovely? I called Sister Gabrielle an +angel just now, but you must not fancy there was any cold saintliness +about her; in fact, it was her very ready sympathy with all my accounts +of my young life in the outer world that drew out my heart towards her. +It was her very womanliness that soon set me wondering who she could +have been, and what had led her to shut herself away from the world. +There was little to do, lying there in bed week after week, and +hundreds of times, as I looked at that sweet woman moving about the +room, I pictured her without the coif, and said to myself that if she +were not then a beloved wife, with a husband's protecting arm around +her, and children climbing about her knees, it was not because the love +that should have led to this had been wanting, but certainly because +some marring chance had prevented the realization of such happiness. It +amused me to make a pretty history to myself, with Sister Gabrielle for +the heroine. A woman with a voice like hers and such a smile was bound +to have loved deeply and to have inspired deep love. Sometimes, when +she was not speaking, her eyes had a sad, far-away look. I can only +compare it to the look that an emigrant who was toiling along a hot, +dusty highroad to embark for a new country might turn and give to the +dear spot that he had said a long good-bye to. But that look never +lasted more than a minute in Sister Gabrielle's face. It was as if the +traveller settled his burden afresh on his shoulders, and, with fresh, +vigorous resolution, stepped on into the long expanse of road that went +stretching away to the horizon. + +One day--I could not help it--I broke into one of those little reveries +of hers. + +'My sister,' I said, 'sweet and beautiful as you are, how is it that +you never married?' + +With lifted finger, as one speaks to a too daring child, she said only +'Ssshh!' Then, with the movement of the emigrant readjusting his +knapsack, she added, 'Allons! half-past ten! Dr. Nadaud will be here +before we are ready for him!' + +From that day Sister Gabrielle avoided sitting by my bedside. She +watched over me just as tenderly as before, but our talks were shorter, +and I never ventured to repeat my question, as you may imagine. +Nevertheless, lying there through the long days, it was impossible not +to go on wondering what had sent this beautiful woman into the rough +groove where I found her. + +One day I discovered that Dr. Nadaud came from the same town as +herself, and I fell at once to questioning him about her. All that I +could elicit from him was that her name in the world had been Jeanne +D'Alcourt, and that she came of a good old Norman titled family. I did +not learn much by that. It was not necessary to hear that she was +noble, for she had the stamp of nobility in every line and in every +pose of her body. For a talkative fellow, I thought Nadaud had +remarkably little to say about his former townswoman, and, after gently +sounding him once or twice on the subject, I came to the conclusion +that it was useless to look to him for enlightenment, but I also came +to the conclusion that Sister Gabrielle had a history. + +August came. I had been three months in St. Malo Hospital, and now the +time for leaving it had arrived. + +It was early morning. A fiacre stood at the gate with my luggage upon +it, and Sister Gabrielle had come to the doorway which led into the +courtyard to see me off. + +Early as it was, the sun was already well on his day's journey, and +perhaps it was the strong glare from the white wall that made her shade +her eyes so persistently with her left hand while we were saying +'Good-bye.' As for my own eyes, there was something the matter with +them, too, for the landscape, or so much of it as I could see from the +St. Malo Hospital doorway, had taken on a strange, blurred look since I +saw it from the window ten minutes before. + +'Adieu, mon lieutenant, adieu!' cried Sister Gabrielle, in a voice +meant to be very cheery. + +'Adieu, ma soeur! May I come to see you and the old place if ever I +find myself in these latitudes again?' + +'Yes, yes, that is it; come back and see who is in your little bed +under the window. Take care of the arm!' touching the sling that held +it. 'Dr. Nadaud will expect a letter from you in copper-plate style +before another month is over. Allons! We will say au revoir, then, not +adieu. Bon voyage, mon lieutenant, bon voyage!' + +Another hand-grasp, and I made my way to the cab, feeling a strange, +intoxicated sensation at being once more on my legs in the open air +after such a long stretch between the blankets. Away we rattled down +the steep stone-paved street, past the queer old high houses that, as +the window-shutters were swung back, seemed to open their eyes and wake +up with a spirited relish for another day's bustle and work. Very +different to the lazy drawing up of a roller-blind in England is the +swinging open of a pair of French _persiennes_. Whiffs of new bread and +freshly-ground coffee floated out from the open doorways of the bakers +and the earliest risers of St. Malo, and presently the pungent, +invigorating odour of the sea made itself smelt in spite of the mixed +odours of the street. It was new life to be out in the open again, and +I was going to see my mother; but I could not forget Sister Gabrielle. + + * * * * * + +Several years passed before I saw again the old steep streets of St. +Malo. These years brought great changes to me. My right arm being no +longer capable of using the sword, I retired from the army, took to +journalism, and eventually accepted an engagement in London. In the +English capital I made my home, marrying and settling down to a +quasi-English life, which possessed great interest for me from the +first. + +One summer (six years after the war) I began to make a yearly journey +to a town on the borders of Brittany, and always landed at St. Malo to +take train for my destination. Trains ran there only twice a day, and +so there was generally time enough to climb the dirty, picturesque +street to the hospital and see sweet Sister Gabrielle, whose face would +light up at sight of her old patient, and whose voice had still the +same sympathetic charm. When the now English-looking traveller +presented himself, it was always the Mother-Superior who came to him in +the bare, cool room reserved for visitors. And then Sister Gabrielle +would arrive, with a sweet, grave smile playing about her beautiful +mouth, and there would be long talks about all that I had been doing, +of the pleasant, free life in England, etc., etc. + + * * * * * + +One hot August morning, just seven years after I had left the hospital +with my arm in a sling, I pulled at the big clanging bell and asked to +see Sister Gabrielle. I was ushered into the shady waiting-room, and +stood drinking in the perfume of the roses that clambered about the +open window. Presently the Mother's steps approached, but when she saw +me she had no longer in her voice the cheery notes with which she used +to greet me, nor did she offer to send Sister Gabrielle to me. + +In a few sad words she told me my sweet nurse was dead, that she had +died as she had lived, beloved by all who were privileged to be near +her. There was no positive disease, the doctor had said, but some shock +or grief of years before must have undermined her health, and the life +of self-sacrifice she led had not been calculated to lengthen the frail +strand of her life. Gently and without struggle it had snapped, and she +had drooped and died with the early violets. + +Touched and saddened, I turned down the steep street to the lower town. +More than ever I wondered what had been the history of the brave, +beautiful woman who had nursed me seven years before. + +Turning the corner of the Place Chateaubriand, I ran against a man. + +'Pardon, monsieur!' + +'Pardon, monsieur!' + +The exclamations were simultaneous. Looking up, we two men recognised +each other. + +'Ah, my dear doctor!' I exclaimed. + +'_Sapristi_, my dear lieutenant! What are you doing in St. Malo?' + +Having properly accounted for my presence in the old Breton town, and +made known to Dr. Nadaud how glad I was to see him again, we two went +off together to lunch at the Hotel de Bretagne, where I had left my +luggage. + +Having refreshed ourselves with a light French dejeuner, the doctor and +his former patient strolled out of the long dining-room into the +central courtyard of the hotel, which the sun had not yet made too +warm, and there, installing ourselves at a little round table, we +smoked and sipped our coffee. + +'I will tell you all I know,' said the doctor, in reply to a question +from me. 'It seemed almost a breach of confidence to tell you Sister +Gabrielle's story while she lived, for I knew that she had come away +out of the world on purpose to work unknown and to bury all that +remained of Jeanne D'Alcourt. When she first came, she seemed not at +all pleased to see me, no doubt because my presence reminded her of +Caen and of the scenes that she had turned her back upon for ever. + +'Well,' continued Dr. Nadaud, 'the D'Alcourts had lived for generations +in a fine old house on the Boulevard de l'Est, and it was there that +Jeanne was born. Next door lived my sister and her husband, M. Leconte, +the chief notary of the town, and a man well considered by all classes +of his townsmen. It is the old story of affections knotted together in +the skipping-rope, and proving to be as unending as the circle of the +hoop. My sister had a girl and a boy. The three children played +together, walked out with their nurses together, and were hardly ever +separated until the time came for Raoul to go to Paris to school. The +boy was fourteen when they parted, Jeanne was only eleven, but the two +children's love had so grown with their growth, that, before the day of +parting came, they had made a solemn little compact never to forget +each other. + +'Eight years passed, during which Jeanne and Raoul saw little of each +other. + +'The first time the boy came home, he seemed to Jeanne no longer a boy, +and the shyness which sprang up between them then deepened with each +succeeding year. + +'The boy was allowed to choose his profession, and he chose that of +surgery. News reached Jeanne from time to time through his sister of +the promising young student, who, it was said, bid fair to win for +himself a great name some day. + +'At the age of twenty-five Raoul left Paris. His parents, who were +growing old, wished their son near them, and steps were taken to +establish him in a practice in Caen. + +'Time passed on, and Raoul had been six months in partnership with old +Dr. Grevin, whom he was eventually to succeed, when Mme. D'Alcourt fell +ill of inflammation of the lungs, and so it happened that the two young +people often met beside the sick-bed, for the elder partner was not +always able to attend the patient, and his young _aide_ was called upon +to take his place. + +'By the time that Mme. D'Alcourt was well again, both the young people +knew that the old love of their childhood had smouldered in their +hearts through all the years of separation, and was ready to burst into +flame at a touch. But no word was spoken. + +'It was Raoul's fond hope to be one day in a position to ask for Jeanne +as his wife, but he knew that by speaking before he was in that +position, he would only destroy all chance of being listened to by her +parents. + +'The touch that should stir the flame soon came. + +'One day in the summer following, a hasty summons from Mme. D'Alcourt +took Dr. Grevin to Jeanne's bedside, and a few moments' examination +showed him that the poor girl had taken diphtheria. After giving +directions as to the treatment to be followed, he said he would return +late in the evening or would send M. Leconte. + +'It was Raoul who came. + +'With horror he saw that the case was already grave, and a great pang +went through him as he spoke to Mme. D'Alcourt of the possibility of +its being necessary to perform tracheotomy in the morning. When morning +came--in fact, all next day--Jeanne was a little better, and the young +man hoped with a deep, longing, passionate hope. + +'The day after, however, it was evident that nothing could save the +girl but the operation, and it was quickly decided to try this last +chance. + +'The rest is soon told. In that supreme moment, as Raoul made ready for +the work, the two young people told all their hearts' secret to each +other in one long greeting of the eyes, that was at once a "Hail" and a +"Farewell." + +'The operation was successful. + +'All went well with Jeanne, and in two days she was declared +practically out of danger. + +'But Raoul, unmindful of everything except Jeanne's danger, had not +been careful for himself, and had received some of the subtle poison +from her throat.' + +In the cemetery of Caen, high up where the sun first strikes, can be +seen a gravestone with the inscription: + + _Ci-git_ + + RAOUL LECONTE, + + _Decede le 18 Juillet_, 1869. + + * * * * * + +And this is why Sister Gabrielle never married. + + + + +CHAPTER XLIII + +PORTRAIT OF A FRENCH MOTHER + + +Madame Proquet lived in a little town in Brittany, which she had never +quitted in her life. She had been born there, she had married there, +and there it was that she had brought up her only son, Henri. When +friends said to her, 'Why not travel a little? You should at least go +and see Paris!' she would reply: 'Thank you, I am happy enough at +home.' She cared little for the outer world. Early left a widow, she +had resolved to live for her son. She had made herself his dearest +friend without effeminating him, his constant guide without +monopolizing him, and his preceptor without ceasing to be his comrade. + +Before sending the boy to any school, she set to work herself and +learned enough Latin and Greek to enable her to hear his lessons; and +by the time he reached the upper forms, Madame Proquet would have been +able to cut a very fair figure beside him. + +Thanks to the care and order with which she managed her small fortune, +she was well off--rich even--with her 5,000 or 6,000 francs a year, for +at the end of each year the budget showed an excess of receipts over +expenditure. Her house, her books and her garden occupied all the time +which was not devoted to Henri. She was fond of receiving visits, but +rarely paid calls herself; and in the winter evenings she loved to sit +with a book by the fireside in the room, half kitchen, half +dining-room, which, with its great open fireplace, is very often the +most attractive-looking apartment in a small Breton house. Sometimes it +was her needlework that she would bring out and busy her fingers upon, +while the faithful Fanchette, who had held Henri on her knee, and who +still 'thee'd' and 'thou'd' him, took her knitting, and to the steady +click of the needles would go over again the merry tricks that he was +wont to play when he was a little boy. + +By-and-by Henri finished his studies and took his B.A. with honours. +Then it became necessary to choose a profession. For some time past he +had been longing to say to his mother: 'Mother, let me go to Paris and +study painting. Something tells me that I should be successful.' But he +knew that Madame Proquet had long been putting by 1,000 francs a year +to send him to Paris to study law or medicine, whichever he should +choose. She had made up her mind to make a lawyer or a doctor of him. +Is it not the ambition of every French provincial mother? Henri allowed +himself to be persuaded, although he felt not the least inclination for +the one profession or the other. However, when it came to the point he +chose the law. + +What he did in Paris during six years we may see from the fact that, in +the month of May, 1877, he pleaded at the assizes in a case which +resulted in two years' imprisonment for his client; and that he +exhibited at the Salon a portrait which earned for the artist the +praise of all critical Paris. A very talented painter had arisen. +Madame Proquet learned the news without making a very wry face, +swallowed the pill without grimacing, and, Fanchette having declared +that she had always predicted that Henri's genius would soon manifest +itself, she wisely decided under the circumstances to be proud of her +boy. + +'But who is going to keep the dear fellow while he is painting in +Paris? I cannot, that is certain,' said the good mother to herself. + +'But, madam,' said Fanchette, 'do you not know that there are rich +folks who pay one hundred and even as much as two hundred francs to +have their portrait painted, and that Paris is full of people like +that?' + +Madame Proquet remained incredulous and full of anxiety. She certainly +was not going to discourage her son, but she could not find it in her +to encourage him. She would let events follow their course, while she +remained calm at her post of observation. She had every confidence in +her son after all. Was he not an advocate, and could he not always +return to his profession if painting should fail him? + +The following year Henri exhibited another portrait, which excited not +merely the admiration but the enthusiasm of the critics. People talked +of a future Bonnat, and the name of Henri Proquet was on everyone's +tongue. The young painter was striding into fame. + +Orders began to flow in. This news reassured Madame Proquet, and made +her mother's heart swell with pride. + +'Did I not tell you so?' repeated Fanchette. + +But something that dropped like a bomb into the quiet household in the +little Breton town was the news that a rich financier of the Faubourg +Saint-Honore had just paid 10,000 francs for his portrait, which Henri +had taken hardly a month to paint. + +'But the dear fellow will be making a fortune and losing his head,' +exclaimed Madame Proquet. + +Fanchette herself was dumfounded. It seemed to them that their boy was +going to slip from them--that fame and fortune must needs raise an +inseparable barrier between the luxurious studio which Henri talked of, +and was embellishing day by day, and the humble maternal home which +never changed at all. They were both believers in the quiet and +unobtruding happiness that hides itself and goes unenvied, and they +could neither of them understand how happiness was possible in that +feverish Paris, where artists and men of letters are drawn body and +soul into the whirl of a great vortex; and the good souls bewailed +themselves, foreseeing terrible things and getting into their heads a +thousand ideas, which all had but one conclusion--'Our Henri is lost to +us!' + +How mistaken they were! + +The years followed one another, and Henri came regularly twice a year +to the dear little house where the ivy and jasmine, the clematis and +the honeysuckle protected our successful man against intruders: the +jealous, the gossips, the bores and all the jostling crowd that hovers +around celebrities, and often makes them its prey. + +Better than that, he soon did something that should still strengthen +his position in the good books of Madame Proquet and Fanchette. He +married a girl as good as she was beautiful, an artist's ideal, whom he +had the greatest difficulty to get Fanchette to _tutoyer_. + +'But, my dear, I cannot say "thee" and "thou" to that beautiful lady,' +pleaded poor Fanchette. + +'Nonsense, Fanchette! and why not? She is your daughter as much as I am +your boy.' + +And the good Fanchette, with her eyes full of tears of joy, kissed +everybody and exclaimed: + +'He has not changed a bit, you see. I told you so; I knew it.' + +Then the young couple came twice a year to Brittany to live and love +with more freedom. Soon, instead of two, it was a trio that came, and +Fanchette declared that the loveliest baby in the world was the one +that she called hers. + +'And,' she added, 'no one can accuse me of partiality, for everyone +knows how I laugh at the people who think their babies the finest in +the world.' + +And the others would reply in chorus: + +'Certainly not, Fanchette.' + +Madame Proquet was overwhelmed with joy, the proudest and happiest of +mothers. + +She went so far as to say to her neighbours, as well as to herself: +'Did I not do well after all to encourage Henri to be an artist!' I say +advisedly 'as well as to herself,' for by dint of innocently and +honestly deceiving others, one ends by innocently and honestly +deceiving one's self. + +Madame Proquet had no more fear for her son's future. His fame was well +established, and he remained to her the same devoted son, perfectly +unaffected, his head turned neither by celebrity nor riches. + +The good lady unhappily reckoned without that very absorbing mistress +called Art, who was to supplant her a little, if not in Henri's +affection, yet in his rule of conduct. The name of Henri Proquet was +not celebrated in Paris alone, but in all the capitals of the civilized +world. He one day wrote to his mother that he had just received from +England a most flattering invitation to go and paint the portrait of +the Queen and the principal members of the Royal Family, and that he +had resolved to settle in London with his family for several years; for +no doubt, after the Royal Family, his brush would be in demand by lords +and ladies, and he would return from the land of fogs laden with +guineas and glory. + +'And,' he added, 'I embrace the opportunity with all the more alacrity, +having just lost 100,000 francs in a gold mine in the United States, a +loss which makes an ugly hole in my savings. Thank Heaven I am young, +full of life and energy, and in less than two years I shall have +forgotten the thing altogether and replaced the money.' + +Madame Proquet was aghast at the news. + +'So, then,' she ejaculated, 'Henri speculates! He has lost everything, +and that in a gold mine, a hole in the earth, which, instead of +yielding money, swallows up what fools fling into it. After that, how +is it possible to feel any security about him? With all his talent, his +genius, he will end in the poor-house. He talks of expatriating himself +now. He is out of his mind.' + +She believed in none but sure investments, and saw no difference +between speculation and gambling. Land, house-property and Government +securities, no other stock had any value in her eyes. She would not for +the world have had anything to do with shares in even the great +railways of her own country. However, in the end she calmed herself. + +'He will be prudent in the future,' she said to herself, 'and the +lesson will be a wholesome one. After all, England is not far from +Brittany. I shall see the dear children almost as often as before.' + +And seeing Fanchette looking at her, she smiled, but the smile did not +deceive the good woman, who saw clearly that something was being hidden +from her, and that that something concerned Henri. Her eyes filled. + +'It is nothing, my dear Fanchette!' said Madame Proquet, making her +faithful servant sit down by her side while she read to her Henri's +letter, and discussed with her its contents. + +The painter remained three years in England, and returned to Paris +after having made the conquest of the English public and the Royal +Academy, just as he had made the conquest of the French public and the +Salon. + +Mayfair and Belgravia had been painted by Henri Proquet; Fifth Avenue, +New York, now claimed him, and offered him fabulous prices. He set out +for America, and passed two years there. Madame Proquet and Fanchette +both begged him earnestly, in all their letters, to give up these +voyages, and to return to Paris and settle there definitely. 'Have a +little patience, mother dear,' he wrote; 'I shall soon have 1,000,000 +francs put by, and then I shall think of nothing but your wishes.' A +few months later he wrote: 'I shall soon have finished my work in +America, and we shall set out from New York to make our longest and +last voyage. We shall cross America to the Californian side: from there +we shall visit Japan, the Pacific Islands, New Zealand, and Australia. +On the way home we shall stop at the Cape of Good Hope to sketch a few +Zulus, who are said to be such fine people. We count on being back in +Paris by the end of the year, and we will be with you on New Year's +Day. What souvenirs of our travels you will have to listen to! What +endless chats we will have, won't we?' + +'Decidedly he is mad,' said Madame Proquet to herself. 'As if our +French women were not far prettier than all those horrid black African +creatures, or those hideous little dods of Japan!' Even Fanchette began +to ask herself seriously whether, after all, her boy was the same, and +not a changed person. Henri had no longer any one to take his part +under his mother's roof. + +Madame Proquet fell ill meanwhile. The heart had been attacked for some +time past; a herpetic affection threatened to complicate the state of +affairs. + +No sooner arrived in Paris than Henri and his wife sped into Brittany. +They found their mother very changed. The doctor did not attempt to +conceal from them the danger of the disease, which, at Madame Proquet's +age, must needs be incurable. + +This illness, which was likely to be a long and painful one, +necessitated the most constant and delicate attentions, continual +doctor's visits, and expensive medicines. Fanchette and the _femme de +chambre_, two brave devoted women such as provincial France alone still +possesses, but such as the future scarcely holds in store for us, +lavished their care upon their dear mistress. They were taxed to the +utmost of their strength, Fanchette especially, who had just passed her +sixtieth year. To ease them, Madame Proquet engaged two nursing sisters +from the convent, who came alternately to watch by her at night. + +Henri, fearing that his mother's income might not be equal to the +strain put upon it by these extra expenses, begged her to accept from +him a little annuity of 2,000 francs. 'Every New Year's Day, dear +mother,' he said to her, 'I shall send you that for my New Year's gift; +you must be good and accept it. For too long a time you were my banker; +now I am going to be yours.' Madame Proquet had such strong ideas of +independence that he expected a refusal. Great was his joy to find his +mother accept with alacrity. The disease followed its course for more +than four years. Each New Year's Day Henri sent the sum he had +promised. A few days before her death, in the month of December, 1890, +Madame Proquet even wrote to Henri to remind him that New Year's Day +was approaching, and that she would be looking out for her 2,000 francs +by the next post. This made her son smile. 'Poor mother! She is perhaps +hard up. What a good thing I induced her to accept help! Without it she +would not have had enough for her nursing expenses. Thanks to me, we +shall be able to keep her alive for years. And there are fools who say +that money will not buy happiness!' Then, on the spot, he wrote out a +cheque for the sum he sent every year. At the very moment that he was +about to ring for a servant a telegram was handed to him. + +The telegram announced the sudden death of Madame Proquet. + +Henri's good mother had passed away peacefully and without pain; she +had fallen asleep thinking of her children and had never wakened again. + +Henri and his family took the first train to Brittany. Fanchette was at +the door watching for the arrival of the carriage that should convey +them from the station. In dumb grief the good creature led Henri and +his wife and children to their dear dead one. They knelt and silently +all kissed one another with tender effusion beside the mortal remains +of that beloved and devoted mother, to whom they thus said a supreme +adieu while showing her the depth of their mutual love. + +Deprived of the mournful privilege of closing the eyes of his mother, +Henri had at least the consolation of being present to piously render +her the last sad duty. The day after the funeral, he opened the drawers +which contained Madame Proquet's family documents and the property +which now belonged to him. In a corner of one of the drawers he found a +little packet, carefully tied, sealed, and addressed: + + 'To my son, only to be opened after my death.' + +This packet contained eight rolls of 1,000 francs, each placed in a red +morocco sheath. By the side of this money lay a letter without any +date, but evidently written quite recently. It ran as follows: + + 'MY BELOVED HENRI, + + 'The life that you lead makes me very anxious. You speak of + returning once more to America, to Australia, even going round the + world again. Really, I ask myself sometimes whether you are in your + right senses, and whether those English people have not completely + demoralized you. You buy shares, you run after large dividends, + instead of placing your money in State securities at three per + cent. It is pure madness, my dear son. I hate speculations! If an + individual attempted to come and offer me ten per cent. for my + money I would order my faithful Fanchette to show him the door. + There will come a time, perhaps, when the law, grown wiser, will + condemn to six months' imprisonment, not only every man who takes + more than five per cent., but also him who offers it. You have a + million, you tell me. Well, then, my son, keep it carefully, and do + not try to get others with it. You may possess a million, but if + you get more the millions will possess you. There is no real + happiness except in security and in obscurity. The kind that has to + be sought far afield is ephemeral. Long voyages may make life + interesting, but happy, no. Happiness is only to be found at home + with our dear ones. Life is so short that each time you leave your + good home to seek adventures you are robbing yourself. That is + Fanchette's opinion, too, mind you. Of course, all this does not + prevent us from loving you and following you with our thoughts + wherever you are, nor from praying the great God to bring you + safely to port, but at the same time to rid your head of these + ideas of adventure which torment me so. In a corner of the drawer + where you will find this letter you will find also, carefully + rolled and wrapped, and all in good gold coin (you may say what you + please, but I do not like paper), the 8,000 francs that you have + sent me on New Year's Day for the past four years. You will find + them intact. God be praised! I have not needed to use them. I have + taken care of them for you, and--who knows?--you may be very glad + one day to have them. My regret is that you did not offer years + back to send me twenty thousand instead of two. I should have + accepted every franc of it, and it would have been as much money + saved from that miserable American gold mine or some other + speculations, which, believe me, are bound to be just as mad. + + 'Thank you, my darling son, for the kind impulse that prompted you + to send the money. In the future buy three per cents., give up your + travels, and stay at home with your dear ones who adore you. My + dear, generous son, when you read these lines I shall be no more of + this world. Do not forget your old mother, who has lived only for + you, who has been proud of her son, and now thanks him for all the + happiness that his love and devotion have brought her.' + + * * * * * + +Fanchette is installed in the fine house that Henri occupies in the +Champs Elysees. He pretends to follow her advice in everything. + + + + +CHAPTER XLIV + +FAILINGS AND FOIBLES OF GOOD WOMEN + + Women of strong character--Obstinacy and prejudice--Tastes and + temperaments--The diplomatic woman--The strong-minded woman--The + superiority of woman--Monopolizers--Little women--The woman who is + wrong--'I told you so'--Why women were not given beards--Women who + marry for money and for titles--The only chance of success in + matrimony. + + +When you say that a man has a strong character, it means that when he +has made up his mind to attain an object in view, nothing will divert +him from the road that leads to the goal. He will take advice and +profit by all the circumstances that may help him to succeed. That man, +as a rule, is successful in the world. + +When you say that a woman has a strong character, it often means that +she is obstinate and prejudiced, and that whatever advice and arguments +may be placed at her disposal, she will follow her own mind and have +her own way. That woman, as a rule, is a failure in life. + +Obstinacy and prejudice, which are the characteristics of even the best +women, are not proofs of a strong character, but weaknesses. + + * * * * * + +Which is better for a man and a woman to possess in +matrimony--similarity of tastes or similarity of temperaments? + +I would reply at once: The former, by all means. If a husband and a +wife have different temperaments--and, of course, love each other (this +must always be granted in any discussion on 'How to be happy though +married')--their lives may be all the more interesting for it, because +they will have to constantly study each other, make concessions, and be +diplomatists ever on their guard. People of different temperaments can +get along very well, but unless their tastes are similar they cannot +enjoy life together. + + * * * * * + +George Eliot says that a difference of tastes in jokes is a strain on +the affections. + +Fancy a humourist married to a woman who cannot see a joke! + +Fancy a Wagnerian having a wife who prefers the 'Casino Girl' to +'Lohengrin'! + +Fancy a poetic, romantic woman, a lover of Nature, taking her husband +to see Vesuvius in eruption and hearing him remark that he has seen +smoke before at Pittsburg and Newcastle-on-Tyne; or visiting with him +the banqueting-hall of Heidelberg Castle and hearing that Philistine +remark that it is about the same size as the dining-room of the +Auditorium Hotel in Chicago! + + * * * * * + +Of course, this difference of tastes sometimes helps to smooth out +difficulties. If the chicken is small, and one partner likes white meat +while the other prefers black, it comes in handy. + + * * * * * + +All psychologists, ancient and modern, agree on one point on the +subject of woman, and that is that vanity is her typical failing. You +never need fear referring to her beauty. She is always open to a bit of +flattery. You may go straight to the heart of the best woman by +praising her bonnet or her baby. + + * * * * * + +Give me a tactful woman (she is a delight), but spare me the diplomatic +one. 'A diplomatic woman' sounds to my ears very much like 'a woman too +clever by half.' I almost prefer the dear little goose who puts her +foot in it every time she opens her mouth. + +No doubt the diplomatic woman is a very useful mate to the man who +occupies a high official position; but in everyday life, in married +life especially, the only diplomacy that a woman should concern herself +about is the politics of matrimony. Under all other circumstances the +diplomatic woman is only an insincere woman with a high-sounding name. + +The more I think of it, the more I feel deeply convinced that, in the +ordinary pursuits of life, whether a man or a woman be in question, +good diplomacy does not consist in cleverly deceiving people, but in +finding out who your real friends are, and, when that is ascertained, +in sticking to them and for them through thick and thin. + + * * * * * + +When a husband allows himself to be ruled by his wife, the latter +generally profits by it to become assertive and offensively +overpowering. Woman was not meant to rule, and when she is permitted to +enjoy that privilege, she too often enjoys it _en parvenue_, loudly and +indiscreetly. Like Queen Victoria, woman should reign, but not rule. + + * * * * * + +With the tact and common-sense which are the salient and most +characteristic features of French women, I regret that France is not +under a constitutional monarchy, and that the French throne is not +occupied by a Frenchwoman. The two most successful reigns recorded in +English history are the reigns of Queen Elizabeth and Queen Victoria, +which makes me wonder how it is that Salic law is not repealed in all +those countries where man alone is allowed either to rule or only +reign. + + * * * * * + +The best illustration of the superiority of woman over man in France is +to be seen in the Duval restaurants. It is a woman who, in the +twinkling of the eye, multiplies the number of dishes you have eaten by +their respective prices and hands you the total always right. She is +responsible for the amount charged. If she makes a mistake, she has to +pay for it. And how I pity the clerk at the door, always a man, who is +satisfied with giving you a bill and seeing that you return it duly +paid before you go out! That is all he has to do besides yawning and +constantly pushing the door which the customers often leave open or not +carefully closed. In business, all the responsible posts are held by +women, certainly nine times out of ten. In most shops, fashionable or +humble, through the little square hole over which is written 'Pay +Here,' you see madame smiling, receiving the money, booking it and +keeping it. Monsieur walks about the place and sees to, or, rather, +looks at, everything. If that man dies, his wife may regret him, but +she can do without him. She has the whole business at her fingers' +ends. Instead of being the partner of the firm, she now becomes the +sole mistress of the establishment. + + * * * * * + +The foible of most women, good wives and good mothers, is to be +monopolizers, in France especially, where woman is queen in her home, +and her empire over her children is complete and unquestioned. France +will never succeed in founding a Colonial Empire until boys cease to be +brought up and remain under the influence of their mothers. The Roman +Empire and the British Empire were made by men who had been brought up +and lived under the influence of women, but who never allowed them to +rule either as mothers or as wives. + + * * * * * + +The great qualities of a woman make her admirable, but I am not quite +sure that it is not on account of her many little failings and foibles +that she is loveable. + + * * * * * + +A boy is a boy--a _genus_ article. When a man, he will very often +develop qualities and defects which he never possessed as a child. With +the gentler sex things are different. A little girl is a little woman, +and, when a woman, she will possess, only more accentuated, all the +qualities and defects that she possessed as a child of ten or twelve. I +have known very good boys become very bad men, and very bad boys become +splendid men. I have known young cowards become very brave soldiers. An +affectionate little girl will be an affectionate woman; a little girl +passionately fond of her dolls will be a beautiful mother; and a little +flirt of ten will become a terrible flirt at twenty, and a terrible +coquette at thirty. + + * * * * * + +The most painful feeling for a woman to have is to know that she is +wrong, because she will not acknowledge it. While she is consuming her +own smoke, pity her, and never aggravate her by saying, 'I told you +so!' There is such a damnable look of self-satisfaction on the face of +a man who says to a woman, 'I told you so!' If I were a woman, I could +not resist the temptation of slapping the face of a man who _told me +so_. + +Poor thing! It is quite bad enough for her to be wrong, without having +to suffer a sneering reminder. + +The man who tries to prove, or, worse still, who succeeds in proving, +to a woman that she is wrong has not a particle of gentlemanly feeling +in him. He is an idiot, a bore, and a brute. + + * * * * * + +If your wife is wrong, cast down your eyes modestly, smile, and say +nothing. If she does not know she is wrong, she will admire your +courtesy; if she does, she will admire your self-control. A woman +always admires these two qualities in a man. + +And when she is right--mind you, perhaps she may be: the most +extraordinary things _will_ happen--don't be mean. Be sure you allow +her the fullest enjoyment of the victory. + +So, whether your wife be right or wrong, always treat her as if she +were right. You will thus pay the lady either her due or a compliment, +and you are sure to win. + + * * * * * + +Alexandre Dumas said that women were not given beards because they +would never have been able to keep still and silent while being shaved. + +Women's tongues have been the eternal theme for men's sarcasms. Yet, +for the gift of the gab, for gossip and scandal, give me a few old men +together in the smoke-rooms of their clubs. Women are not in it! + + * * * * * + +I see no difference between women who marry for money and women who +sell their favours, except one to the advantage of the latter, who may +have been prompted by love, temptation, or poverty to commit actions +which the former have the impudence to ask the Law to sanction and the +Church to sanctify. + +A man who marries for money is still much more despicable, because he +has not the excuse of many women, who may not have been able to +discover any other way of getting a living. + + * * * * * + +A woman cannot love or respect a man who allows himself to be purchased +for a title of nobility, and a man cannot love or respect a woman who +buys him, and thus degrades him in his own eyes. There is no possible +element of happiness in such marriages. If there is something in +nobility, it should be nobleness of character in those who belong to +it. What has become of the old motto _Noblesse oblige_? + + * * * * * + +The only chance of success in matrimony is that there should not be one +single reproach which, in the inevitable moments of friction, may ever +be hurled by one at the face of the other. + +A marriage is called a match. The parties who contract it should be +matched, and should therefore choose and accept partners of their own +rank. Handsome people should not marry ugly ones. They should be equal, +with perhaps a touch of superiority in age, size, fortune, and +intellectual attainments to the man's credit--to atone for all his +shortcomings. + +Mesalliances always turn out badly. + +Little tiffs, sulkings, fits of temper, and even of jealousy--have as +many as you like, they will act as shovels of fuel to keep love and +interest alive; but reproaches about origin, antecedents, former +poverty, early associations, claims to gratitude especially, will only +lead to the inevitable and somewhat logical answer, 'If you married me, +I imagine it was because you thought I was as good as you.' + +There is no remedy known for the harm done by such reproaches and +claims to gratitude. + + + + +CHAPTER XLV + +CUPIDIANA + + Stray thoughts on women, love and matrimony. + + +Few lovers are sure of each other. If you doubt it, listen to what they +say, and you will constantly hear them repeat: 'Do you love me?' 'Will +you always love me?' or 'How long will you love me?' They will often +wake each other in the night to repeat these questions. + + * * * * * + +Men should cease to be jealous when they discover that they have real +ground for being jealous. I do not believe that jealousy comes from +true love; but justifiable jealousy should cure one of love. + + * * * * * + +Love sanctifies everything. Men and women, who really love each other +and are faithful, are virtuous. + + * * * * * + +If you love a woman from the depths of your heart and soul, no words +can be found adequate to convey an idea of it. + + * * * * * + +You cannot blame a man or a woman for being in love any more than you +can blame them for having the toothache. If the love they feel is a +misfortune to them, or the cause of unhappiness to others, pity them +all. + + * * * * * + +Friendship is the old age of love. Happy the husband and wife who, when +the days of love and passion are gone, find real happiness and blessed +rest in friendship. + + * * * * * + +There should be no other law than love to bind a man and a woman +together. The day they cease to love each other should be the day on +which the contract determines, and they become friends. + + * * * * * + +The intelligent, artistic, refined man is a gourmet in love; the +foolish and brutal man is a gourmand. + + * * * * * + +Men in old age often give young ones salutary advice as a consolation +for being unable to give them bad example. + + * * * * * + +However ill you may speak or think of women, you will always find a +woman able to do it better than you. + + * * * * * + +Why are women far less indulgent than men for the faults of women? + + * * * * * + +If I were a beautiful woman, oh, how I should hate women! + + * * * * * + +The woman who has never succumbed to temptation, often because +temptation has never been in her way, is inexorable for the weaknesses +of her sex. + + * * * * * + +Nine times out of ten the ugly woman will at once accept as reliably +true any gossip she hears on the subject of a beautiful woman. She +draws herself up and thinks: 'No one could ever say such things of me.' +And she is right: no one would who did not wish to be grossly +flattering. + + * * * * * + +Only the woman who has yielded to temptation is charitable, and will +help the fallen angel. Like Dido, she says: + +'Non ignara mali, miseris succurrere disco.' + + * * * * * + +It is because I love and revere woman that I pity the fallen one, and +cannot say an unkind word of her. + + * * * * * + +I think that men should go down on their knees before the fallen women, +and implore their pardon, in the name of their sex, for the injury--the +criminal, irretrievable injury--that has been done to them by the curs +and scoundrels who are the cause of their present condition. + + * * * * * + +A woman is a wretched coward who, having had, in succession, the +protection of a father and of a husband, does not pity and help, if she +can, the beautiful, unprotected girl who has tried to fight the battle +of life by herself, and has been wounded. + + * * * * * + +Woman is an angel who seldom appreciates a man who has not a bit of the +devil in him. + + * * * * * + +The most religious woman will postpone an interview with her Maker for +an appointment with her dressmaker. + + * * * * * + +Matrimony is like any other contract: an agreement signed by two +honourable persons, each of whom, in every clause, takes the other to +be a dishonourable one. + + * * * * * + +A loving woman will keep her heart warm as long as she lives, and her +hair black as long as she dyes. + + * * * * * + +Woman is an instrument given to man for his happiness and his delight. +If the instrument gets neglected, out of tune, and broken, man should +blame himself alone. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, the instrument +is right enough; it only wants to be in good and careful keeping. + + * * * * * + +There are only two places in the world where a beautiful woman, +fashionably dressed, can walk comfortably without being stared at by +the women like a Barnum's freak out for an airing--Paris and New York, +and perhaps Bond Street, London, during the season. Everywhere else she +has to ride or hide. There is only one spot of the earth where such a +woman can go about in all freedom and security without running the risk +of being followed and otherwise annoyed by idle men, and that is Fifth +Avenue, New York. + + * * * * * + +In matrimony, to retain happiness and make it last to the end, it is +not a question for a woman to remain beautiful, it is a question for +her to remain interesting. Not the slightest detail should be beneath +her notice in order to keep alive the attention of her husband. + + * * * * * + +Love feeds on illusions, lives on trifles. If a man loves his wife, a +rose on her head, her hair parted the other way, a newly-trimmed +bonnet, may revive in him the interest he felt the first time he met +her, nay, the emotion he felt the first time he held her in his arms. +The very best dishes may become insipid if served with the eternally +same sauce. + + * * * * * + +There comes a time when a woman has to make up her mind to choose +between being called a 'dear old soul' or a 'crabby old thing.' + + * * * * * + +I love and admire the woman of forty who admits that she is ten years +older than her daughter, the woman of fifty who is proud to show me her +grandchildren, and does not object to being photographed with them, and +the woman of sixty who does not expect me to admire her shoulders at a +dinner-party. + + * * * * * + +Painting, music, and women are often admired or criticised by plucky +people who are not afraid of exhibiting their ignorance. + + * * * * * + +Women are born mothers or sweethearts. When they marry, they become +mother-wives and take their children into first consideration, or +sweetheart-wives, and bestow their best care and attentions on their +husbands. But for the former ones, many clubs would have to put up +their shutters. + + * * * * * + +A woman who is constantly blushing must be terribly well informed. + + * * * * * + +As long as it is man who proposes, matrimony will be promotion for a +woman. + + * * * * * + +The woman taken in adultery was formerly burned or stoned to death; +later on she was condemned to three months' imprisonment. Nowadays she +goes scot-free, and her husband is turned into ridicule. What more does +she want?--the Victoria Cross or the Legion of Honour? + + * * * * * + +There is no _esprit de corps_ among women. + + * * * * * + +America is the only country where you hear women speak well of their +sex. It speaks volumes for them, and it enables American men to be +polite and even gallant, and do the same. + + * * * * * + +Woman is made to love and to be loved. She may live on love and die of +it. For a man, love is the occupation of a few moments; for a woman, +love is the occupation of a lifetime. + + * * * * * + +If a man hears men speak ill of women, he should, before joining in the +chorus, remember his mother. Then he will be sure to take their +defence. + + * * * * * + +Women should have two great aims in life: trying to be beautiful and +succeeding in being pleasant. + + * * * * * + +Whether I think of woman as a grandmother, a mother, a wife, a +sweetheart, or even a little girl who, by-and-by, will bear all these +titles in succession, I believe that men ought to spend most of their +spare time in strewing with flowers the ground upon which a woman is +about to tread. + + * * * * * + +There are men who complain that roses have thorns. They should be +grateful to know that thorns have roses. + + * * * * * + +The roses of life are the women. + + +THE END + + +BILLING AND SONS, LTD., PRINTERS, GUILDFORD. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Her Royal Highness Woman, by Max O'Rell + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HER ROYAL HIGHNESS WOMAN *** + +***** This file should be named 33285.txt or 33285.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/3/2/8/33285/ + +Produced by Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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