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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158,
+June 16, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, June 16, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: April 21, 2010 [EBook #32080]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Lesley Halamek,
+Jonathan Ingram and the Online Distributed Proofreading
+Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+Punch,
+
+or the London Charivari
+
+Volume 158, Jan-Jul 1920
+
+June 16, 1920
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+"The Bolshevists," says a gossip writer, "do not always rob Peter to
+pay Paul." No, they sometimes just rob Peter.
+
+* * *
+
+A Yarmouth report anticipates a shortage of herrings. It is said that
+the PRIME MINISTER has a couple of second-hand red ones for disposal
+which have only been drawn across the path once or twice.
+
+* * *
+
+"One of the Kaiser's mugs," says a news item, "has just been sold in
+New York for forty pounds." We have suspected for some time that he
+was a double-faced fellow.
+
+* * *
+
+"There should be no temptations to crime in so beautiful a spot," said
+Mr. Justice COLERIDGE when presented with white gloves at the Anglesey
+assizes. The sentiment is thought to be as old as ADAM.
+
+* * *
+
+"If it is necessary to strengthen the hands of the military in
+Ireland," said Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, "the Government will certainly do
+so." Our own view is that they should be protected even if it means
+sending the Reserve of Special Constables to do it.
+
+* * *
+
+According to the Ministry of Transport, there is only one motor-car to
+every one hundred and twenty people in Great Britain. The necessity of
+fixing a maximum bag of pedestrians per car does not therefore arise.
+
+* * *
+
+A purple-eyed fish, eleven feet long, with a horn on its nose and no
+teeth, has been caught at San Diego, California. That is the sort of
+thing that makes Prohibition a secondary issue.
+
+* * *
+
+As the result of some remarks let drop by the crew and repeated by the
+ship's parrot, several hundred bottles of liquor were found on board
+the _S.S. Curaçao_ by the San Francisco port authorities. It is now
+suggested, in the interests of philology, that the parrot should be
+put back to hear how the crew takes it.
+
+* * *
+
+A young man while fishing on the Wye landed a wallet containing
+twenty-two one-pound Treasury notes. A correspondent writing from
+North of the Tweed inquires what bait the fellow was using.
+
+* * *
+
+The POSTMASTER-GENERAL points out that five hundred new telephones are
+to be erected in rural districts. Local residents should at least be
+grateful for this little friendly warning.
+
+* * *
+
+It is reported that M. KRASSIN told the PREMIER all about Russia. Mr.
+LLOYD GEORGE was very interested, as he had often heard of the place.
+
+* * *
+
+With the letter postage at twopence, we read, it is in many cases just
+as cheap to telephone. And in some cases just as quick.
+
+* * *
+
+"Will Wilde meet Beckett?" asks a headline. We can only say that we do
+not intend to stand in their way.
+
+* * *
+
+General VON KLUCK has been telling somebody that he lost the battle of
+the Marne by a fluke. As we can't have the War over again we must let
+the matter remain at that.
+
+* * *
+
+According to an evening paper a temperance speaker fainted during a
+procession in a Kentish town, and was immediately carried into a shop
+and brought round by whisky. The report that on being informed of this
+fact he again went off into a faint is happily without foundation.
+
+* * *
+
+A man aged seventy-six was charged last week with threatening to shoot
+a West-End family of six. It is said that his parents intend to plead
+the baneful influence of the cinema.
+
+* * *
+
+The fact that at least seven people have expressed their intention of
+swimming the English Channel this year draws attention once more to
+the lack of accommodation on our cross-Channel steamers.
+
+* * *
+
+A wheelbarrow has been presented to the parishioners of Hornchurch,
+Essex. We have maintained all along that the motor-car craze would
+wear itself out in time.
+
+* * *
+
+On April the 21st the Maharajah of BIKANIR shot his hundredth tiger.
+All efforts to induce him to join the R.I.C. have so far failed.
+
+* * *
+
+The case is reported of a hen which lays an egg each morning on her
+master's bed and then pecks his cheek to wake him up at the proper
+time for breakfast. Guess where this happens. America? Right.
+
+* * *
+
+We understand that in view of the paper shortage the West Drayton man
+who managed to get through on the telephone last week has abandoned
+the idea of writing a book about it.
+
+* * *
+
+Much annoyance is said to have been caused to one bricklayer last
+week. It seems that just before the dinner hour somebody kicked away
+the brick he had laid and the unfortunate fellow had to start the day
+all over again.
+
+* * *
+
+According to _The Manila Bulletin_ the cost of living is going to
+fall. Not on us, we trust.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _'Arry._ "THEY'RE TALKIN' ABAHT DOIN' GREEK PLAYS AN'
+PAGEANTS AN' ALL SORTS O' LOOPY STUNTS AT 'AMPSTEAD ON BANK 'OLIDAYS."
+
+_'Arriet._ "LUMME! IT'LL GIT THE PLACE A BAD NAME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Hire Education.
+
+    "Required, an Assistant Teacher (Lady), with option of
+    purchase."--_Australian Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Ex-Soldier's Tale.
+
+    NOTE TO WAR PRISONER HIDDEN IN CHEESE."
+
+_National News._
+
+We should like to hear more of the prisoner and his novel
+hiding-place.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MAY-WEEK.
+
+    [Addressed affectionately to the author of "May-Week Then and
+    Now" in _The Times_ of last Wednesday.]
+
+  Though forty years have done their worst
+    To change us to the sere and brown,
+  Since we in verdant freshness first
+    Assumed the triple-chevroned gown,
+  As I perused _The Times_ this very day week
+    Your statement thrilled me through and through--
+  How people still go gathering nuts in May-week
+            Much as they used to do.
+
+  The courts their dun-grey habit keep,
+    Their velvet-green the sacred lawns;
+  The rooks that marred our matin sleep
+    Still devastate the golden dawns;
+  Beneath my westward windows still the same bridge
+    Sags in the centre as of old;
+  In fact, in all essential matters Cambridge
+            Preserves its ancient mould.
+
+  Slight innovations have occurred
+    That rudely on your senses strike;
+  Our innocence had never heard
+    The hooting of the motor-bike;
+  And though you might approve, with your rich tresses,
+    The vogue of leaving off your hat,
+  I with a crust that loathes the wind's caresses--
+          I should revolt at that.
+
+  But for the rest there's little strange;
+    Still Cam pursues his torpid way;
+  'Tis we alone who suffer change
+    (I could not stick the course to-day);
+  New generations lash the same old river,
+    Spurt up the Long Reach, bump and sup;
+  What if we pass, through weight of years or liver?
+            Somebody keeps it up.
+
+  Time may have weaned us long ago
+    With even sterner heights to win
+  Than when the once resilient toe
+    Was apt to dance the daylight in;
+  No doubt we've grown in wisdom since we started,
+    But I would give my head (with brain)
+  Just to be back there, young and agile-hearted,
+            Just for one June again.
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AUTHORSHIP FOR ALL.
+
+    [In this series Mr. Punch presents a few specimens of the work
+    of his newly-established Literary Ghost Bureau, which supplies
+    appropriate Press contributions on any subject and over
+    any signature. Terms and simple self-measurement form on
+    application.]
+
+I.--THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF GENIUS.
+
+_By Miss Dinkie Devereux, the renowned Film Favourite._
+
+The Editor of _The Weekly Newsbag_ has kindly asked me to write
+an article on the duty which we denizens of Flickerland owe to
+the public. This, it happens, is a subject that has long given me
+"furiously to think," as a witty Frenchman once said in French. It may
+be of interest, by the way, to state that I am myself partly of Gallic
+extraction, my mother having been a Lyons girl before she was enabled
+to open a tea-shop of her own; and, although born and bred in what
+I am proud to call my native country, I can even now act just as
+fluently in a French film as in an all-British production.
+
+But I must not let my thoughts run away with my pen, fascinating
+though such cross-country excursions may be. To return to my appointed
+topic, heavy indeed is the burden that is laid on the back of a cinema
+star. You who know me only as the reigning queen of countless
+Palaces may possibly imagine that my life is spent in flitting
+butterfly-fashion from film to film, existing only for the golden
+moment. But one is not born a butterfly, nor does one remain so
+without constant effort. The strenuous nature of my labours indeed
+necessitates frequent periods of recuperation, which I seek either
+in my Highland fastness, or on my Californian peach-farm, or amid
+the lotus-bushes of my villa on the Riviera. This, then, is one of my
+first duties to the public--to preserve that Heaven-sent talent which,
+in the words of mighty MILTON, "is death to hide." (MILTON, I may
+say, is my favourite poet next to GEORGE R. SIMS, and "Odont" is my
+favourite mouth-wash.)
+
+But the intervals between pictures are not all play. When I receive
+notice of a forthcoming production in which my services are entreated
+(and I owe it to humanity not to refuse my co-operation provided
+certain bothersome preliminaries of a financial nature are
+successfully negotiated), I spend a considerable time steeping myself
+in the atmosphere of the part I am to fill. One of my most famous
+_rôles_, as I need hardly mention, is that of _Lilian the Lift-Girl_,
+in the great Solomonson six-reeler, _Ups and Downs_. In order to
+prepare for this momentous undertaking I used to visit Whiteridge's
+Stores daily and devote an hour or so to travelling in the elevators;
+only thus could I hope to attain the proper perspective. The
+attendants of course knew me well and used to ply me with gifts of
+chocolates, etc.; but after a time I was compelled to refuse these
+touching offerings because my chauffeur has a tendency to biliousness.
+
+Then there is the sacred duty of looking after what my Press agent
+is good enough to call my "unearthly charm." I do not agree with
+the _dictum_ that "we are as Heaven made us," and I am sure no film
+enterprise could carry on successfully on those lines. Of course
+you must have something to work upon, and for the bare edifice of my
+beauty, which in all humility I admit was raised by other hands than
+mine, I claim no special praise. But I think I may justly take
+credit for the structural alterations I have effected and for the
+self-sacrificing labours I have willingly undergone to maintain each
+of my features at its maximum efficiency; to these the advertisement
+columns of the papers bear constant testimony.
+
+(In passing let me observe that I have always found Mrs. Phipps's
+Face-Fodder of invaluable assistance in "that fierce light which beats
+upon the screen," as dear old TENNYSON--another great favourite of
+mine--so nearly said.)
+
+Naturally enough the public is always ravenous for information
+concerning the minutest details of my life, and to prevent
+disappointment in this respect I send the Press a daily budget of
+my doings, entitled _Dinkie Day by Day_. That is another burden I
+cheerfully shoulder, and by this method my admirers are kept fully
+acquainted with what I may call the real me--with the heart that
+beats beneath the shadowed counterfeit. Nevertheless at times the most
+absurd rumours get abroad. Recently, for example, I saw it stated in
+quite a reputable organ that my favourite jam is blackberry-and-apple;
+as a matter of fact I find all jams ruinous to the figure, and as a
+tea-relish I usually limit myself to the more ascetic bloater-paste,
+with salmon-and-shrimp as an occasional variant.
+
+My pet hobby is collecting precious stones, and my favourites among
+these are pearls and diamonds, especially of the larger variety.
+Frequently admirers of my art who know of this harmless foible are
+good enough to add to my collection, and these spontaneous tributes
+are among the compensations of a life dedicated at every moment of the
+day to the public service.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DIRECT REACTION.
+
+LABOUR EXTREMIST. "HE'S A BIT TOO QUICK ON THE REBOUND."
+
+[Mr. LLOYD GEORGE gave a very straight answer to the representative of
+those members of the National Union of Railwaymen who had refused
+to handle munitions intended for the defence of the Royal Irish
+Constabulary against murderous attack.]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HOLIDAY GOLF.
+
+_Landlady_ (_showing apartments in the vicinity of famous links_).
+"OH, YOU'LL BE QUITE COMFORTABLE HERE, SIR; YOU SEE, WE'RE USED TO
+GOLFERS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER DOG DISPUTE.
+
+As far as was revealed by the torn remnants of posters adhering to
+Farmer Pyke's barn, the only event of importance in Little Spudsey
+since the letting by auction of fifty-seven acres of summer keeping in
+April, 1918, was the Rural District Council Election in March, 1920.
+Conspicuous mention was made of Pyke, Cluttrel and Gedge, Coalition
+Candidates, who had apparently coalesced to crush one Winch,
+Independent. I was endeavouring to discover his fate when old William
+Trimble doddered along.
+
+"Marnin', Mr. Lomax," he said; "you be back at last?"
+
+I could not deny the fact.
+
+"There be only Hosea Bennett an' George Riley to coom now, an' the
+toll'll be complete."
+
+"Where are they now?" I asked.
+
+"George be in India, or leastways 'e was, an' Hosea's at Cologny.
+They'm both expected back by Saturday fortnit, an' th' question which
+on 'em really owns th' Yarkshire tarrier'll have to be settled once
+an' for all. Yon election hinged on it."
+
+"I'm afraid I've forgotten the details, William," I confessed lamely.
+
+"You'll surely remember th' little Yarkshire tarrier as strayed into
+th' village in the summer o' '14," said William. "Hosea claimed it as
+his'n by right of hollering it first, but George rackened him givin'
+it a bit o' bacon-rind from 'is lunch med 'im th' rightful owner. It
+stayed a few days wi' Hosea, then George 'ticed it away, an' generally
+it hung to the one as happened to have th' biggest bone. Feeling ran
+high atween them till, after the harvest 'ad bin got in, Mr. Gedge, at
+The Chequers, axed George what about j'ining up.
+
+"'What, an' give Hosea a free run wi' th' tarrier?' said George. 'Not
+blessed likely.'
+
+"Hosea for his part said 'e weren't going to budge while th' village
+were infested wi' dog-stealers; so Mr. Gedge 'e says, 'Hand th' dog to
+me. I'll howd it wi'out fear nor favour, an' when you both cooms back
+we'll have it properly arbitrated on.'
+
+"So Hosea j'ined the Infantry an' George went into th' Yeomanry. There
+was some friction when George first coom on leave an' Mr. Gedge let
+'im have th' tarrier for a day's ratting. Th' Bennett family said it
+were breaking the agreement, but Mr. Gedge said it were a patriotic
+duty to give th' lads a bit of amusement when they came on leave, an'
+'e 'd undertake the Rileys 'ud make no objection when Hosea coom home.
+But it made a lot 'o coolness atween th' families, an' when Hosea were
+wounded in '15 the Bennettses as good as said th' Rileys weren't no
+better nor pro-Germans in not giving up their claim to th' tarrier.
+Public opinion were with Hosea at that time, but it veered round to
+George when 'e won th' Military Medal in '16.
+
+"However, George got orders to go East in '17, an' Hosea had pretty
+frequent leaves and were allus parading th' dog outside the Rileys'
+cottage. About the end o' '18 owd Ephraim Riley got tired of it and
+went to see Mr. Gedge on th' subject.
+
+"'Fair's fair,' he says, 'an' Hosea ain't no right to be worming 'is
+way into that dog's affections while George can't get home.'
+
+"'There's summat in that,' said Mr. Gedge; an' next time Hosea cooms
+home 'e finds the dog in pound, so to speak.
+
+"'Very good,' says he; 'I don't coom home again till George is here.'
+
+"In th' spring of '19, 'bout the time as the tarrier--which was
+getting owd and cantankerous--bit Wilfred Browitt in th' leg, we heerd
+that George weren't likely to be back for a longish time, an' Hosea
+wrote to say in that case he'd take on in th' Army for another year.
+Then we had mower excitement, for it was said that Winch, a new-comer,
+had put up for th' Council, an' it 'ud mean an election. Fowks were so
+used to Farmer Pyke an' Mr. Gedge and Mr. Cluttrel setting that they
+rackened they didn't need to be voted on, but would go in automatic.
+However, there were a meetin' in th' parish-room, an' when Chairman
+axed if anyone 'ad any questions Wilfred Browitt got up an' said:
+
+"'Who owns tarrier, Hosea Bennett or George Riley?'
+
+"It were well known that Wilfred were a mean-sperrited crittur as only
+wanted to know from which one 'e 'd be likely to get compensation for
+th' bite on his leg. So Mr. Gedge 'e rose an' answered:--
+
+"'It's well known Mr. Pyke nor Mr. Cluttrel nor self can't say
+anything on the matter, as it is sub-judish till th' lads coom home.'
+
+"'What do you say, Mr. Winch?' persisted Wilfred.
+
+"'I declare for George Riley,' said Winch boldly, 'him being the first
+to give it sustenance.'
+
+"There were a great sensation at that, an' it showed the cunningness
+o' Winch. He knew the Rileys were intermarried wi' half th' village
+and all George's relations 'ud be bound to vote for 'im after he'd
+declared for them. And so it proved, for, though th' Bennettses
+rallied everyone they could for th' Coalitioners, they weren't strong
+enough, an Winch got in in place o' Mr. Cluttrel."
+
+"Still," I remarked, "the question of ownership isn't settled."
+
+"No, that'll be settled Saturday fortnit. It'll be a rare set-back for
+Winch if the verdict goes to Hosea."
+
+"But in any case the terrier is sure of a good home," I said.
+
+"Well, as to that," replied William, "it were the principle o' the
+thing that were at stake. When th' tarrier bit Wilfred Browitt in '19
+he chased it out of th' village wi' his stick, an' nobody ain't seen
+it since."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Host_ (_to guest, who is helping him to make a
+pergola_). "DON'T LEAN ON IT, YOU SILLY ASS! YOU'LL HAVE IT DOWN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Modest Advertisers.
+
+    "TO BE LET.--Charming Little Gentleman's Pleasure
+    Farm."--_Field._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A Northampton Corporation report states that contractor's
+    workmen have applied for permission to work longer hours."
+
+_Daily Chronicle._
+
+We understand that the Labour Party will at once order the Ministry of
+Health to take steps to isolate these cases, and that there is little
+danger of a spread of the epidemic.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PRISCILLA DIALOGUE.
+
+There is probably some way by which a young female child can be led
+through easy stages of Socratic dialogue to the idea of ultimate truth
+in morals as well as art. There is probably some way of talking to
+such a child without being badly scored off. But I do not seem to
+have the gift. This is the more unfortunate because the thing usually
+happens before I have finished my breakfast, and nothing is quite so
+damaging to my self-esteem as to be soundly snubbed in my own house
+before the day's work has begun.
+
+Mind you I do not honestly believe that my logic is at fault. I
+believe that there is usually a flaw in the reasoning of the child.
+But you cannot very well say to an infant of three, "You are now being
+guilty of an undistributed middle or a _petitio elenchi_ or whatever
+it is." She would do what I have heard even older women do in like
+circumstances. She would change the subject at once. Perhaps the
+MONTESSORI system ... But let us take a typical case.
+
+I found her sitting at a large table by the dining-room window, in a
+high chair that left her red shoes eighteen inches from the ground, a
+complete doll's tea service in front of her and a small stuffed lamb
+on her right-hand side. The tea-pot appeared to contain real water
+and the sugar-basin real sugar, and although she was supremely busy
+watering and sugaring and rearranging her cups and jugs and spoons
+she greeted me with the composure of an experienced _châtelaine_. Our
+conversation went something like this:--
+
+_She._ Will you have any cup of tea?
+
+_I_ (_having drunk a small cup of water with a very little real sugar
+and a large quantity of real grit in it_.) Thank you. How delicious!
+But I must go and have my breakfast now.
+
+_She_ (_taking no notice at all and offering me a small fragment of
+moist toast_). Will you have any piece of cake?
+
+_I._ Thank you. What lovely plum-cake!
+
+_She_ (_with infinite scorn_). Ho! that isn't _plum_-cake. There isn't
+any plums in it. It's _choclat_ cake.
+
+_I_ (_humiliated_). Oh, well, I don't think I will have any more tea,
+thank you.
+
+_She_ (_coldly_). I'm going to give my lamb tea now.
+
+[_The method of giving tea to a lamb, in case it is not generally
+known, is to plaster the lamb's nose with spoonfuls of sugar and
+then lick off the sugar with one's tongue. At least that is the way
+Priscilla does it._]
+
+_I_ (_reprovingly from the breakfast-table_.) What a funny way to give
+your lamb tea, Priscilla.
+
+_She._ My lamb says he likes having his tea like this. (_A longish
+pause._) Please will you draw me a picsher?
+
+_I._ What kind of a picture?
+
+_She._ A picsher of a house.
+
+_I._ What kind of a house?
+
+_She_ (_in one long breath_). A purple house with a yellow roof and
+blue curtains and a green door and rose-trees with red roses and
+hollyhocks and a dear little pussy-cat and a motor-car coming up the
+drive.
+
+[_This is executed in coloured crayons with a rapidity born of
+hunger and long practice, and passed to the Hanging Committee for
+inspection._]
+
+_She_ (_examining it critically_). Ho! that isn't a _door_.
+
+_I._ Yes, it is, Priscilla. It's a very nice _door_.
+
+_She._ It isn't a door. It hasn't any knocker.
+
+[_After all, when_ is _a door not a door? I finish the joinery job and
+carry on with my bacon._]
+
+_She_ (_suddenly_). There isn't any sun.
+
+[_I sketch in the regulation pattern of circular sun, with eyes, a
+nose and a smile complete._]
+
+_She._ That isn't a sun. It hasn't any hair.
+
+_I._ The sun doesn't have any hair, Priscilla.
+
+_She_ (_decisively_). Nurse has hair.
+
+[_This really seems unanswerable. Having amended Phoebus Apollo
+I start in with my marmalade. After a lapse of a few minutes a low
+hammering is heard from somewhere on the floor at the far side of the
+table._]
+
+_I._ Whatever are you doing, Priscilla?
+
+_She._ Sooing my horse.
+
+[_She is discovered beating the wheels of a grey wooden flat-backed
+animal on a stand with a hammer procured from heaven alone knows
+where._]
+
+_I._ Well, don't hit him on the wheels, anyhow. (_A pause, subdued
+noises and a sigh._) What are you doing now, Priscilla?
+
+_She._ Sooing him on his back.
+
+_I._ Doesn't that hurt him?
+
+_She._ It hurts him very much, but he doesn't _say_ anything.
+
+[_I come round to give veterinary advice._]
+
+_I._ Don't you love your horse, Priscilla?
+
+_She._ Yes, he's my friendly horse.
+
+_I._ Well, don't bang him about like that; all the paint's coming off
+him.
+
+[_The carpet is in fact bestrewn with small flakes of grey paint from
+the unhappy creature's flanks._]
+
+_She_ (_derisively_). Ho! that isn't paint. That's snorts.
+
+_I_ (_helplessly_). Whatever do you mean?
+
+_She._ That's snorts. Snorts from his mouf. White snorts.
+
+_I._ But why is your horse snorting from his mouth, Priscilla?
+
+_She._ He's snorting from his mouf because I'm sooing him on his back.
+
+Well, there you are, you know; what is one going to do about it? There
+is a sort of specious plausibility about these replies after all; I
+am no farrier, but I should think it quite likely that if you shoed
+a cart-horse long enough on the back with a large enough hammer he
+_would_ snort white snorts from his mouth; and it's no use telling the
+girl that she can't jump from realism to romance in that disingenuous
+manner. Besides she might start hammering the wheels again. Or else
+she would say that her horse _said_ he was snorting, and who am I to
+contradict a British horse? I used to consider myself pretty good at
+what are called back-answers and I still believe that with a little
+practice I could hold my own in Whitechapel or the House of Commons,
+but there are subtle transitions about Priscilla's method of argument
+with which only a Prime Minister could cope. It carries too many guns
+for me. It cramps my style.
+
+V.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CORNISH COTTAGE.
+
+  Beside the clock two spaniels stand,
+    Two china spaniels golden-spotted;
+  On a lace d'oyley (contraband)
+    Beams a red-faced geranium (potted).
+
+  Framed portraits rest on woollen mats,
+    Black-bearded smugglers with their spouses;
+  The gentlemen wear bowler hats,
+    The ladies sport their Sunday blouses.
+
+  Two pictures decorate the wall,
+    Vesuvius spouting sparks and ashes,
+  The brig _Calypso_ in a squall,
+    Full-sailed despite the lightning flashes.
+
+  Without, the dark Atlantic flings
+    Against the cliff its booming surges,
+  And, as a shell, the snug room rings
+    With its reverberating dirges.
+
+  Against the door the night winds rave
+    Like outcast dogs, their lot deploring;
+  Triumphant over wind and wave
+    Rises my landlord's lusty snoring.
+
+  PATLANDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "There was one summer when he lived by himself in a lonely old
+    houseboat on the Thames, from which he paddled himself ashore
+    every morning in a top-hat."--_Daily Paper._
+
+The drawback to this kind of craft is that it only accommodates a
+single skull.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES.
+
+MR. GILEAD P. BLOGGS (U.S.A.) ORDERS FOR HIS NEW DINING-ROOM AT
+PITTSBURGH A COLOSSAL PICTURE REPRESENTING A HOSPITABLE SIDEBOARD, TO
+KEEP ALIVE HIS MEMORIES OF "WET" AMERICA.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_Accused_ (_just dismissed_). "MANY THANKS! WHAT SHOULD I HAVE DONE
+WITHOUT YOU?"
+
+_Counsel._ "OH, ABOUT SIX MONTHS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LITTLE BITS OF LONDON.
+
+BILLINGSGATE.
+
+In order to see Billingsgate properly in action it is necessary to get
+up at half-past four and travel on the Underground by the first train
+East, which is an adventure in itself. The first train East goes at
+three minutes past five, and there are large numbers of people who
+travel in it every day; by Charing Cross it is almost crowded. It is
+full of Bolshevists; and I do not wonder. One sits with one's feet up
+in a first-class carriage, clutching a nice cheap workman's ticket and
+trying hard to look as if, like the Bolshevists, one did this every
+day.
+
+On arriving at the Monument Station one walks briskly past the
+seductive announcement that "THE MONUMENT IS NOW OPEN," and plunges
+into a world of fish. I have never been able to understand why fish
+is so funny. On the comic stage a casual reference to fish is almost
+certain to provoke a shout of laughter; in practice, and especially
+in the mass, it is not so funny; it is like the Government, an
+inexhaustible source of humour at a distance, and in the flesh
+extraordinarily dull.
+
+Over the small streets which surround the market hangs a heavy pall
+of fishy vapour. The streets are full of carts; the carts are full of
+fish. The houses in the streets are fish-dealers' places, more or less
+full of fish. The pavements are full of fish-porters, carrying fish,
+smelling of fish. Fragments of conversation are heard, all about
+fish. Fish lie sadly in the gutters. The scales of fish glitter on the
+pavements. A little vigorous swimming through the outlying fisheries
+brings you to the actual market, which is even more wonderful. Imagine
+a place like Covent Garden, and nearly as big, but entirely devoted to
+fish. In the place of those enchanting perspectives of flower-stalls,
+imagine enormous regiments of fish-stalls, paraded in close order and
+groaning with halibut and conger-eel, with whiting and lobsters and
+huge crabs. Round these stalls the wholesale dealers wade ankle-deep
+in fish. Steadily, maliciously, the great fish slide off the stalls
+on to the floor; steadily the dealers recover them and pile them up
+on their small counters, or cast them through the air on to other
+counters, or fling them into baskets in rage or mortification or sheer
+bravado.
+
+The dealers are men with business-faces, in long white coats,
+surprisingly clean. Every now and then they stop throwing crabs into
+baskets or retrieving halibut from the floor, and make little entries
+in long note-books. I do not know exactly what entries they make, but
+I think they must all be in for some competition, and are making notes
+about their scores; one man I watched had obviously just beaten the
+record for halibut-recovery. He recovered so many in about a minute
+that the tops of his boots were just beginning to show. When he had
+done that he made such long notes in his book about it that most of
+the halibut slid on to the floor again while he was doing it. Then he
+began all over again. But I expect he won the prize.
+
+Meanwhile about a million fish-porters are dashing up and down the
+narrow avenues between the fish-stalls, porting millions of boxes of
+fish. Nearly all of them, I am glad to say, have been in the army or
+have had a relative in the army; for they are nearly all wearing the
+full uniform of a company cook, which needs no description. On their
+heads they have a kind of india-rubber hat, and on the india-rubber
+hat they have a large box of fish weighing about six stone--six
+_stone_, I tell you. This box they handle as if it was a box of
+cigars. They pick it up with a careless gesture; they carry it as
+if it was a slightly uncomfortable hat, and they throw it down with
+another careless gesture, usually on to another box of fish; this
+explains why so many of one's herrings appear to have been maimed at
+sea.
+
+When they have finished throwing the boxes about they too take out a
+note-book and make notes about it all. This, it seems, is to make
+sure that they are paid something for throwing each box about. I don't
+blame them. It must be a hard life. Yet if I thought I could pick up
+six stone of salmon and plaice and throw it about I should sign on at
+Billingsgate at once. It is true they start work about five; but they
+stop work, it seems, about ten, and they earn a pound and over for
+that. Then they can go home. Most of them, I imagine, are stockbrokers
+during the rest of the day.
+
+And they are a refined and gentlemanly body of men. I hope the old
+legend that the fish-porter of Billingsgate expresses himself in
+terms too forcible for the ordinary man is now exploded; for it is a
+slander. In fact it is a slander to call him a "porter;" at least in
+these days I suppose it is libellous to connect a man falsely with
+the N.U.R., if only by verbal implication. But, however that may be,
+I here assert that the Billingsgate fish-porter is a comparatively
+smooth and courteous personage, and, considering his constant
+association with fish in bulk, I think it is wonderful.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Connoisseur (smoking cigarette stump just thrown away
+by passer-by)_. "EITHER TERBAKKER ISN'T WOT IT WOS--OR THESE 'ERE
+TOFFS AIN'T."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At the far end of the market is the river Thames; and on the river
+Thames there is a ship or two chockful of fish. Fish-porters with a
+kind of _blasé_ animation run up and down a long gangway to the ship
+with six-stone boxes of fine fresh whiting on their heads. These
+boxes they pile up on a chute (carefully noting each box in their
+note-books), after which an auctioneer auctions the boxes. This is the
+really exciting part of the show. The dealers or the dealers' agents
+stand round in a hungry ring and buy the boxes of fish as they slide
+down the chute. The dealers seem to detail a less cultured type of man
+for this purpose, and few of the bidders come up to the standard of
+refinement of the fish-porters. But the auctioneer understands them,
+and he knows all their Christian names. He can tell at a glance
+whether it is Mossy Isaacs or Sam Isaacs. He is a very clever man.
+
+They stand round looking at the boxes of fish, and when one of them
+twitches the flesh of his nose or faintly moves one of his eyelashes
+it means that he has bought six stone of whiting for thirty shillings.
+That is the only kind of sign they give, and the visitor will be wise
+not to catch the auctioneer's eye, or blow his nose or do any overt
+action like that, or he may find that he has bought six stone of
+salmon and halibut for forty-five shillings. At an auction of fish it
+is true to say that a nod is as good as a wink; in fact it is worse.
+
+The dealers are silent motionless men; but nobody else is. Everybody
+else is dashing about and shouting as loud as he can. As each box of
+fish is sold the porters dash at it and shout at it (of course in a
+very gentlemanly way) and carry it off in all directions. It is quite
+clear that nobody knows who has bought it and where it is going. The
+idea of the whole thing is to impress the visitor with the mobility
+of fish, and this object is successfully attained. No doubt when the
+visitors have gone away they settle down and decide definitely whom
+the fish belongs to.
+
+It is now about half-past six. Fish is still rushing in at one end
+from the ship and is rushing in at the other from the railway-vans.
+The porters are throwing the fish at the dealers' stalls (registering
+each hit in their note-books), and the dealers are throwing it on
+to the floor or throwing it at each other or trying to throw it at a
+retailer, who always puts on a haughty air and passes on to the next
+stall, till he too gets entangled in the game and finds that he has
+bought twenty-four stone of whiting at twopence a pound; then he
+throws it at some more porters, and the porters dash outside and throw
+it at the carts, and the carts clatter away to Kensington, and my
+wife buys a whiting at tenpence a pound, and the circle of fish
+organisation is complete.
+
+At about this point it is a good thing to pass on to Covent Garden and
+buy some flowers.
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Aspiring Solicitor_ (_speaking in telephone with the
+idea of impressing supposed client_). "YES, TELL THE LORD CHANCELLOR
+I WILL LUNCH WITH HIM, AND SHALL BE VERY HAPPY TO GIVE HIM THE BENEFIT
+OF MY ADVICE IN THE MATTER HIS LORDSHIP MENTIONED. GOOD-BYE. NOW WHAT
+CAN I DO FOR YOU, SIR?"
+
+_Supposed Client._ "WELL, I'VE COME ABOUT YOUR TELEPHONE, SIR, WHICH
+I UNDERSTAND FROM YOUR LETTER TO US HAS BEEN COMPLETELY OUT OF WORKING
+ORDER SINCE YESTERDAY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Record Crash.
+
+From "Sayings of the Week" in a Sunday paper:--
+
+    "With the aerial world at our feet we are making no effort to
+    grasp it.--_G. Holt Thomas._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CAPUA.
+
+(_A Bolshevist's lament, designed to show that though we may appear to
+be giving way rather easily to the Russian Government we have a deep
+purpose in it all._)
+
+  Silken ways and softer manners
+    Bend the barbarous victor down;
+  Woe unto the Soviet banners!
+    M. KRASSIN is in town.
+
+  Hark! the Lydian lute is thrumming
+    Roses fall about his feet;
+  He shall pardon each shortcoming,
+    Conqueror he shall taste defeat.
+
+  Puzzled, maybe slightly baffled,
+    He shall get to like it all,
+  Overlook the absent scaffold
+    At the windows of Whitehall.
+
+  Piccadilly, though it warps his
+    Sense of justice, he shall see
+  Unencumbered by the corpses
+    Of a bloated _bourgeoisie_;
+
+  Quite forget the stern aspirants
+    To a nobler newer world;
+  Tread the Birdcage Walk with tyrants,
+    Have his hair by Bond Street curled;
+
+  Lulled by scented airs and graces,
+    Feel the Scythian ardours fade;
+  Purchase underwear and braces
+    In the Burlington Arcade;
+
+  Losing for a mess of pottage
+    TROTSKY'S wireless apothegms,
+  Take a little country cottage
+    And a houseboat on the Thames.
+
+  Oh to think that as he lingers
+    Hour by hour he needs must hook
+  Round imperial palms the fingers
+    Of a hand that LENIN shook.
+
+  Commerce like an iron girder
+    Props the new world and the old;
+  All men know the stains of murder
+    May be lightly washed with gold.
+
+  Ah, but when the bright-eyed vulture,
+    Fresh from feasting on the slain,
+  Learns the way of foreign culture
+    Shall his claws grow sharp again?
+
+  So for him we weep, the Tartar
+    Blood-bedabbled to his wrists,
+  When his free soul sinks to barter
+    With abhorred capitalists.
+
+  Silken ways and softer manners
+    Bend the sturdiest victor down;
+  Woe unto the Soviet banners!
+    M. KRASSIN is in town.
+
+  EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AIR-CRAFTINESS
+
+BRITISH LION. "HALLO! STARTED FLYING AGAIN ALREADY?"
+
+GERMAN EAGLE. "OH, PURELY A COMMERCIAL FLUTTER."
+
+BRITISH LION (_to himself_). "I REMEMBER HEARING THAT SAME YARN ABOUT
+THEIR NAVY. TIME I DEVELOPED _MY_ WINGS AGAIN."
+
+["In Germany there are millions of men firmly determined to win back
+by the air what they have lost by sea and on land."
+
+_General Seeley._]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "MANY YEARS AGO."
+
+SIR ERIC GEDDES AT A SUNDAY SCHOOL TREAT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, June 7th._--"Has the right hon. gentleman any experience
+of Sunday School treats?" asked Mr. INSKIP after the MINISTER OF
+TRANSPORT had announced that the railway companies, while conceding
+reduced fares for these outings, could not extend the facilities to
+more than one adult for every ten children. Sir ERIC GEDDES admitted
+that his experience was "many years ago." There must have been "giants
+in those days" among the Sunday School teachers if one of them was
+able to "moderate the transports" of ten little ERICS.
+
+The PRIME MINISTER had discarded the jaunty grey suit which he wore
+last week, and in his "blacks" looked rather like a Scottish elder.
+Nevertheless, when requested by Mr. MACCALLUM SCOTT to interpret the
+articles of the "Auld Kirk" he declined to rush in where Mr. BONAR LAW
+had feared to tread, and contented himself with the remark that this
+was "a very dangerous question for a mere Southerner."
+
+The negotiations with M. KRASSIN caused many inquiries. Mr. WILLIAM
+SHAW, for example, sought a guarantee that the Bolshevists should not
+be allowed to pay for the goods they might now order with the stores
+that they had seized from His Majesty's Government. One is reminded
+of PHIL MAY'S publican, who took the theft of his pewters
+philosophically, but was moved to strong protest when the thief
+brought them back in the form of bad half-crowns.
+
+Coalitionist anxiety in regard to the PRIME MINISTER'S flirtation with
+the Soviet emissary took shape in a motion for the adjournment moved
+by Colonel GRETTON, who was shocked at the idea of negotiating with a
+Government that depended on violence, and seconded by Admiral Sir R.
+HALL, who doubted whether there was anything to be got out of
+Russia. Mr. LLOYD GEORGE replied that, according to the evidence
+of anti-Bolshevist refugees, there were quantities of grain and raw
+materials awaiting export, while in regard to the general question he
+poured much rhetorical contempt on the argument that we were never
+to trade with a country that was misgoverned. What about Turkey?
+What about Mexico? "You cannot always examine the records of your
+customers."
+
+Earlier in the day Sir A. GRIFFITH BOSCAWEN had moved the Second
+Reading of the Agriculture Bill with so much vigour and enthusiasm
+that one wondered why a Bill so vital to the national well-being
+had not been introduced a little earlier. Later speakers were less
+friendly. Mr. ACLAND declared that the measure was only necessary
+because the Government could not keep the country out of international
+difficulties. Captain FITZROY complained that the Bill did too
+much for the tenant-farmer; whereas Mr. CAUTLEY described it as the
+tenant-farmer's death-knell.
+
+_Tuesday, June 8th._--The prevalent belief that Mr. CHURCHILL is
+always spoiling for a fight, and is mainly responsible for all the
+wars now going on in various parts of the world, is, I am ready to
+believe, entirely erroneous. But there is no doubt of his desire to
+"see red" so far as His Majesty's Army is concerned. The report
+that the Government intended to spend three millions in putting our
+soldiers back into the traditional scarlet inspired a multitude of
+questions to the WAR SECRETARY this afternoon. Mr. CHURCHILL declared
+it to be grossly exaggerated. Nevertheless, in political circles it
+is believed that at the next election the Government can rely with
+confidence upon the nurserymaids' vote.
+
+[Illustration: MR. CHURCHILL SEES RED. ARMY UNIFORM (1) AS IT IS;
+(2) AS IT WAS BEFORE THE WAR AND WILL BE AGAIN; AND (3) AS TO SUIT MR.
+CHURCHILL'S MARLBOROUGH TRADITIONS, IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN.]
+
+In resisting the proposal to make a levy on capital Mr. CHAMBERLAIN
+covered the ground so exhaustively that, as Sir F. BANBURY
+subsequently observed, the chief complaint to be made of his speech
+was that it was not delivered three months before, when it would have
+saved the money-market great anxiety and prevented much depreciation
+of capital. For, according to the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, a levy
+on war-wealth was never really practicable, and even if it had been
+would have had no effect upon the amount of the floating debt, his
+most pressing problem. But, if so, why not have said it at the start,
+instead of setting up a Committee to try to find a solution for the
+insoluble?
+
+Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S contention that by the income-tax and super-tax
+wealth was already heavily conscripted would have perhaps been better
+left without illustration. His case of the gentleman with £131,000 a
+year, who after paying his taxes had only £42,500 to spend, left Mr.
+STEPHEN WALSH quite cold. Sir DONALD MACLEAN, by some odd process of
+reasoning, came to the conclusion that the Government's decision would
+be welcomed by all the enemies of capital, and announced his intention
+of joining the Labour Party in the Lobby.
+
+_Wednesday, June 9th._--The Air Navigation Bill passed through
+the usually serene atmosphere of the Upper House, but not without
+encountering a certain number of "bumps." Lord MONTAGU, calling to
+mind the nursery saying, "if pigs could fly," was alarmed by the
+possibility that "air-hogs" might interfere with the amenities, and
+might even endanger the lives, of earth-bound citizens by flying over
+them at unduly low altitudes. He suggested two thousand feet as a
+minimum. Lord LONDONDERRY resisted the Amendment on the ground that it
+was difficult to gauge the height at which aircraft flew, and thought
+few airmen would care to risk the penalties provided in the Bill--a
+fine of two hundred pounds and six months' imprisonment--by indulging
+a taste for forbidden stunts.
+
+At first blush you would hardly think it necessary to include the City
+Corporation among the local authorities who may establish aerodromes.
+The "one square mile" does not offer much encouragement to the airman
+who wishes to make a safe landing. But you never can tell what may
+happen. The "Old Lady of Threadneedle Street," who is said to be
+contemplating an upward extension of her premises, may perhaps welcome
+aeroplanes to her hospitable roof, and thereby give a new significance
+to "banking" in the aviator's vocabulary.
+
+In the Commons the anomalous position produced by President WILSON's
+undertaking to delimit the boundaries of Armenia, although his country
+has refused to accept the mandate for its administration, elicited
+from Mr. BONAR LAW the curious explanation that the invitation to
+delimit was addressed to Mr. WILSON "in his personal capacity." But
+when Mr. BOTTOMLEY sought further light on this phrase Mr. LAW was
+unable or unwilling to supply it. He did, however, vouchsafe the
+information that, whatever America might do, this country would not
+add Armenia to its existing share of "the white man's burden."
+
+[Illustration: _Resourceful Spokesman of Picnic Party (anticipating
+trouble)._ "DELIGHTED YOU WERE ABLE TO TURN UP! YOU DON'T MIND OUR
+HAVING STARTED WITHOUT YOU?"]
+
+_Thursday, June 10th._--It seems a pity that since Count DE SALIS left
+Montenegro and made his famous secret report the British Government
+has had no representative in that distracted country. In the absence
+of official information the most diverse descriptions of its present
+state gain currency. According to Lord SYDENHAM the Serbians, who wish
+to incorporate Montenegro in the new Jugo-Slavia, are taking every
+step to intimidate their opponents (described as ninety per cent.
+of the population) and have incidentally imprisoned a number of
+ex-Ministers. Lord CURZON agreed that this was quite probable,
+inasmuch as ex-Ministers bore a considerable ratio to the whole
+population, but otherwise challenged Lord SYDENHAM's allegations. His
+own information (source not named) was that the Montenegrin majority
+was in favour of Yugo-Slav union. The debate confirmed the impression
+that all statements emanating from the Black Mountain should be taken
+_cum grano_ DE SALIS.
+
+In the Commons Mr. BONAR LAW was taking a day off, and, as usually
+happens when the PRIME MINISTER is in charge, "a certain liveliness"
+prevailed. The renewed offensive of General WRANGEL incited the
+Bolshevist sympathisers to start one on their own account. An attempt
+to move the adjournment was nipped in the bud by the SPEAKER. Colonel
+WEDGWOOD made a gallant effort to usurp the functions of the Chair
+by declaring that the matter was both definite and urgent; but Mr.
+LOWTHER replied that unfortunately the decision rested with him and
+not with the hon. Member.
+
+The House then settled down to business, and gave a Third Reading to
+two Bills, and a Second Reading to five others. On the Women, Young
+Persons and Children (Employment) Bill Mr. BARNES took exception, not
+unnaturally, to a clause permitting "the employment of women and
+young persons in shifts up to ten o'clock at night," and Major BAIRD
+undertook to consider the withdrawal of this equivocal piece of
+draftsmanship.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  "'The time has come,' the walrus said,
+  'To speak of many things:
+  Of shoes and ships and sealing-wax,
+  Of cabbages and kings.'--(O. Henry)."
+
+  _Free State Paper._
+
+Where did LEWIS CARROLL? Apparently not in the Free State.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Curate_ (_discussing the drink question_). "MIND YOU,
+I'M FOND OF A GLASS OF BEER. MYSELF, BUT I CAN'T INDULGE. IT DOESN'T
+AGREE WITH ME."
+
+_Rustic_ (_sympathetically_). "DEAR, DEAR! AIN'T THERE NO CURE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FUTURE OF APSLEY HOUSE.
+
+CONFLICTING STATEMENTS.
+
+The possibility of a super-dancing-saloon being erected on the site of
+Apsley House is, we fear, likely to be relegated to the limbo of lost
+opportunities.
+
+It will be remembered that a few weeks ago London in general and the
+West-End in particular was excited and delighted by the announcement
+that Apsley House had been sold to an influential syndicate and
+would shortly be converted into a massive and monumental block,
+forty storeys high, crowned with the dancing-saloon and including
+a concert-hall with the most powerful organ in the world, and
+a swimming-bath with salt water conveyed by a special pipe from
+Brighton.
+
+It will also be remembered that Mr. Chumpley Swope, the chairman of
+the syndicate, issued a powerful manifesto in which he explained
+the purely humanitarian motives of the enterprise--to obliterate
+the militaristic associations of the site; to replace an unsightly
+building by a fabric which would be one of the architectural glories
+of London, and simultaneously to cheer the patients in St. George's
+Hospital with the sounds of harmony by night.
+
+Unhappily the realisation of these beneficent and artistic designs
+seems likely to be indefinitely postponed, to judge from the
+authoritative statements made to our representative by Mr. Doremus
+Pomerene, architect to the owners, and by Mr. Chumpley Swope himself.
+
+"There never was any idea," said Mr. Pomerene, "in the minds of
+the present owners, Mr. Otis Flather and Mr. Virgil Onderdonk,
+of converting the site of Apsley House to the uses of a
+super-dancing-saloon. Mr. Flather is a convinced opponent of the
+dancing mania and President of the Anti-Tarantulation League, while
+Mr. Onderdonk has always been a profound admirer of the great Duke
+of WELLINGTON. Subject to the approval of the present Duke it is our
+intention to re-erect Apsley House on the Playing Fields at Eton, and
+utilise the site for the building of flats for the New Poor."
+
+"The erection of a Neo-Georgian super-dancing-saloon on the Piccadilly
+frontage of Apsley House," said Mr. Chumpley Swope, "has long been the
+dearest dream of my heart. My first negotiations with Messrs. Shumway
+and Prudden were conducted for the express purpose of facilitating the
+realisation of this project. Moreover, when Mr. Flather joined me in
+the purchase of the entire site his representative, Mr. Onderdonk, was
+fully aware of my plans and expressed his cordial approval thereof.
+
+"Eventually my friends and I accepted offers made to us by Mr. Flather
+whereby the entire site was vested in him, subject to an agreement
+that the Piccadilly frontage to a depth of two hundred kilowatts
+should be reserved for the erection of the dancing-saloon, the
+concert-hall and the swimming-bath.
+
+"Owing however to the difficulties connected with the laying of the
+pipe from Brighton and the unaccountable and irrational hostility
+displayed by the Governing Body of St. George's Hospital the plan of
+erecting this Temple of Terpsichore has fallen into abeyance and
+the West-End is threatened with the loss of an educational asset of
+incomparable value. I may add, however, that negotiations have been
+opened with the Dean and Chapter of WESTMINSTER and that I do not
+altogether despair of obtaining an alternative site and making a fresh
+start with my plans for beautifying and humanising London."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Limitations.
+
+  There was a young lady of Clacton
+  Whose knowledge was wide and exact on
+      Jazz, jumpers and plays
+      And the cinema craze;
+  But she never had heard of Lord Acton.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "'Obregon signed the flag as did others at the convention,'
+    said Villa. 'He kissed the mlag, and cried as he kissed it.
+    Then those who wanted to break the agreement stole the blag
+    with the signatures of the delegates."
+
+    _American Paper._
+
+This helps us a little to appreciate the confusion of Mexican
+politics.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PERSISTENCE OF THE MILITARY.
+
+In pre-war days, when one's health was tested at the order of a
+verbally polite but fundamentally distrustful insurance company, the
+examination was a pleasant affair, conducted by a benign old gentleman
+who behaved like one's own family physician.
+
+Now all that is changed. I lately took the liberty of offering to bet
+a Company that I would not live for ever, in spite of my present rude
+health. In reply I was invited "to meet our medical advisers at our
+office."
+
+I arrived obediently at the appointed time and was ushered into a room
+in which sat behind a table two elderly gentlemen of ultra-military
+appearance. When, later, they addressed each other as "Colonel" and
+"Major" I knew that they were civilian dug-outs militarised by the
+War.
+
+Colonel drew himself up and spoke to me in a C.O. voice: "Well, what
+is the general state of your health?"
+
+I felt that it was up to me to play the old war-game, even if it
+ruined my chance of getting insured. I therefore started to enumerate
+the various minor ailments from which I suffered.
+
+"To begin with," I explained, "I've sprained my wrist rather badly
+and--"
+
+"That won't prevent your holding a rifle," interrupted Colonel
+severely.
+
+"Then," I continued, "sometimes I have a headache."
+
+"Ah," said Major, "and I suppose when you run uphill your heart
+palpitates like a pea in a drum?"
+
+"Yes," I replied quickly, "it does do that. How did you know?"
+
+Major laughed a laugh such as HINDENBURG himself might have delivered.
+It was cold and mirthless and must have hurt his face.
+
+"Come," said Colonel sharply, "let's have no more of this humbug.
+Drink and smoke less and keep yourself fit; and don't come whining
+before us, complaining of this and that. A few route marches will soon
+set you up."
+
+"But, seriously," I objected, "my health is not of the best and I
+feel I ought to warn you that there are slight disabilities in my
+constitution which----"
+
+"Which make you," interjected Major, "of course unfit to do your
+duty." His voice was like steel wire and I hated him.
+
+"Very well, then," I answered calmly, "I will say no more."
+
+"You'd better not," roared Colonel. "It's no use your thinking you
+can impose on us. I've marked you down A1. I'm sick to death of
+you fellows who try to get behind a doctor directly your comfort is
+threatened. That disposes of _your_ case. About--turn!"
+
+Mechanically I left their presence....
+
+I don't know what the Insurance Company will make of it when they find
+all their candidates passed as first-class lives. Somebody ought to
+tell these doctors that the War is over.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER POST-OFFICE HOLD-UP.
+
+Our post-office is to be found taking cover in one corner of the
+village's general shop. Poetically it may be described as between the
+lard and the lingerie. In prose the most interesting thing to be said
+of it is that I was there this morning.
+
+It was while I was buying a box of matches that the thought came to me
+that I might as well enjoy myself thoroughly and have some stamps as
+well. There was quite a crowd in the shop at the time, and we both
+moved to the postal counter together. She, however, got in the first
+word.
+
+"One stamp, please," she demanded, and went on, "You'll never guess
+what I want it for."
+
+"Isn't it for a letter, then?" asked the post-mistress, as if, for
+instance, stamps might be used for holding down the butter while the
+bread is rubbed against it.
+
+"Yes, but who to? That's the point. Our George!"
+
+To me there did not seem much in this to cause a sensation, but it
+did. Question and answer flew backwards and forwards as thick as
+reminiscences at a regimental dinner.
+
+"Not young George?"
+
+"Yes, old George. We had a letter from him last week. First we'd heard
+for six years."
+
+"Lordy, lordy," said the post-mistress, "it only seems yesterday that
+he went away. I remember----" and she proved it by doing so for ten
+minutes with a volubility that would have made the fortune of a patter
+comedian. At the first sign of a pause I found the courage to ask for
+my stamps, but quite in vain. The conversation was only getting its
+second wind.
+
+"Young George, to be sure! And how is he? Tell me all about him."
+
+I gathered that George was in the best of health and in America, was
+unmarried and umpired out in a recent baseball match and wanted----"
+["A dozen stamps, please." This from me.] a photograph of the old
+people and his brothers and sisters. From this the transition was
+easy to an uncle of the post-mistress's who went----" ["A dozen
+stamps."]--to foreign parts. He always was a rolling stone, he was.
+Never gathered no moss. On the other hand, there were no flies on him.
+Did very well for himself, he did, and when he died----"
+
+But it was at this point that the moisture from the margarine cask
+against which I had been leaning began to make its presence felt, and,
+stampless, I left the shop.
+
+At the edge of the village I met our policeman.
+
+"Go quickly," I implored him; "there's a hold-up at the post-office."
+
+Perhaps "quickly" is not quite the right word, but, at any rate, he
+went. I doubt if he will get promotion over the job, but I am sure he
+too will like to hear about our George, if there's anything left to
+say by the time he gets there.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOMETIMES.
+
+  Some days are fairy days. The minute that you wake
+  You have a magic feeling that you never could mistake;
+  You may not see the fairies, but you know they're all about,
+  And any single minute they might all come popping out;
+  You want to laugh, you want to sing, you want to dance and run,
+  Everything is different, everything is fun;
+  The sky is full of fairy clouds, the streets are fairy ways--
+  _Anything_ might happen on truly fairy days.
+
+  Some nights are fairy nights. Before you go to bed
+  You hear their darling music go chiming in your head;
+  You look into the garden and through the misty grey
+  You see the trees all waiting in a breathless kind of way.
+  All the stars are smiling; they know that very soon
+  The fairies will come singing from the land behind the moon.
+  If only you could keep awake when Nurse puts out the light . . .
+  _Anything_ might happen on a truly fairy night.
+
+  R. F.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CRICKET.
+
+Little Snoring Ladies _v._ Little Snoring Lads."--_Local Paper._
+
+This match was played in Norfolk and not, as you might have expected,
+in Beds.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BROTHERHOOD OF MUSIC.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A CAST.
+
+_Ghillie._ "AY, SIR, THE FUSHERS ARE NO WHAT THEY WERE. YE'LL MAYBE NO
+BELIEVE ME, BUT THERE WAS A MAN HERE LAST MONTH THAT HAD NAETHING BUT
+A SUP O' COLD TEA IN HIS FLASK TO WET A FUSH WHEN HE CAUGHT YIN!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PARADISE OF BARDS.
+
+(_From an Oxford Correspondent._)
+
+Considerable resentment has been caused in various centres of poetic
+activity by the preference recently expressed by the PRIME MINISTER
+for the products of Welsh minstrelsy. In a letter addressed to HUW
+MENAI, the working South Wales miner poet, Mr. LLOYD GEORGE declares
+that he has read his poems with the "greatest delight." If the PREMIER
+had merely said "great delight" no untoward consequences would have
+ensued, but the invidious use of the superlative threatens to embroil
+the whole country in that internecine war recently predicted by
+the Editor of _The Athenæum_ in his gloomy survey of Neo-Georgian
+literature.
+
+Meetings of protest have been held in Hampstead, at Letchworth,
+Stratford-on-Avon and the Eustace Miles Restaurant, but the most
+remarkable and orderly of these demonstrations was that which took
+place at Boar's Hill on Saturday last, under the presidency of the
+POET LAUREATE. Boar's Hill, we need not remind our readers, is _par
+excellence_ the fashionable intellectual suburb of Oxford, and has
+been called the "Paradise of Bards." Dr. BRIDGES in a brief opening
+address, speaking more in sorrow than in anger, dealt with the
+statistical side of the question. He pointed out that of the residents
+at Boar's Hill one in every six was a true poet, and three out of
+every five were masters of the art of prosody. There were no miner
+poets on Boar's Hill. Their motto was _Majora canamus_.
+
+Professor GILBERT MURRAY, who followed, laid stress on the perfect
+harmony which reigned amongst the residents, in spite of the fact
+that all schools of poetry were represented, from the austerest of
+classicists to the most advanced exponents of Neo-Georgian _vers
+libre_. They were a happy family, linked together by a common devotion
+to the Muses, and in their daily output of verse showing a higher
+unit of production than that recorded of any other community in either
+hemisphere.
+
+Mr. JOHN MASEFIELD moved the only resolution, which was carried
+unanimously, to the effect that Mr. FISHER, the Minister of Education,
+should be requested to convey to the PRIME MINISTER the regret of the
+meeting that he should have overlooked the paramount claim of Boar's
+Hill to be regarded as the Parnassus of Great Britain. In _Murray's
+Guide to Oxfordshire_ it had been spoken of as "a health resort for
+jaded students," but that was an obsolete libel. Constitutionally
+vigorous and daily refreshed by draughts from the pellucid springs
+of the Pierides, they led a life of exuberant health, as the vital
+statistics of the neighbourhood would abundantly show. On Boar's Hill
+people began to write poetry earlier and continued to do so later than
+in any other spot in the British Isles.
+
+Sir ARTHUR EVANS, in proposing a vote of thanks to the Chairman, made
+the gratifying announcement that Mr. MASEFIELD was already engaged on
+a companion poem to his "Reynard the Fox," commemorating the _genius
+loci_ under the inspiring title of "The Sticking of the Pig."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Very Free Translation.
+
+"'Have you come to make peace?'
+
+'_Nous verrons pour cela_ ('That is what we have come for),' replied
+Krassin at once."
+
+_Daily Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Martha_ (_to ancient spouse, who has narrowly escaped
+being run over by passing car_). "AN' SERVE YER RIGHT TOO IF IT 'AD
+A-KNOCKED YER. YER DU GO RACIN' A'EAD--NO SENSE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+Recent developments have given an unexpectedly topical interest to a
+new book by Professor PAUL MILIUKOV, L.L.D., entitled _Bolshevism: an
+International Danger_ (ALLEN AND UNWIN). The whole question of the _de
+facto_ Government of Russia is so fiercely controversial that it is
+not to be expected that such a work should escape violent criticism
+from those for whom that Government can do no wrong, though the writer
+justly claims that (however obvious his own views) he has striven to
+be strictly fair to those of the enemy. The scheme of his work has
+been "to trace the evolution of Bolshevism from an abstract doctrine
+to a practical experiment." One may excusably find the history a grim
+and menacing one. In the course of it Professor MILIUKOV tells again
+the tragedy of the great betrayal (which it will do no one harm to
+ponder upon just now), when the Commander of the 1st corps of the
+Siberian Army reported: "A brilliant success crowned our efforts ...
+there remained before us only a few fortifications, and the battle
+might soon have taken the character of a complete destruction of the
+enemy." But the work of M. LENIN had been too thorough; instead of a
+victory that might have ended the War and saved thousands of lives, we
+saw this already triumphant army, equipped through British industry,
+melt into a disorganised rabble. Nor is the writer less interesting
+on other aspects of his theme; in particular an exposition of the
+notorious Third International and a survey of the present-moment
+activities of Bolshevist propaganda, notably in our own country. No
+one who wishes to read and keep for reference a clearly written and
+understandable survey of the most urgent problem in modern politics
+need go further than this short but highly concentrated study.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The March to Paris and the Battle of the Marne, 1914_ (ARNOLD), by
+Generaloberst ALEXANDER VON KLUCK, is more of a soldiers', indeed a
+staff-officers', book than any that has appeared here from the other
+side. It deals exclusively with the operations of the German right
+wing, VON KLUCK'S own (first) army and his _liaison_ with the second
+(VON BÜLOW'S), during the move forward to the Grand Morin, the allied
+counter-offensive and the establishment of the line of the Aisne--that
+is from the twelfth of August to the twelfth of September. The
+principal army orders are given textually. An admirable map
+illustrates each day's routes and billets for his first line and
+second line troops, his cavalry and the extreme right of the second
+army. VON KLUCK'S explanation of his breach of the Supreme Command's
+orders and the manoeuvre which exposed him to MANOURY'S stroke was
+that, while ignoring the letter, he was acting in the spirit of those
+orders on the information available; that a pause to fulfil them
+literally would have given the enemy time to recover; that defective
+intelligence kept him ignorant of the fact that the German left and
+centre had been definitely held by the French (if he had known this
+he would not, he says, have crossed the Marne). An examination of the
+frontispiece portrait suggests that this fighting General would
+easily find excellent reason for disobeying other people's orders and
+maintain an obstinate defence of his own decisions once made, however
+disastrous in result. Notes by the historical section (military
+branch) of the Committee of Imperial Defence point out inaccuracies
+and contradictions which the lay reader would be unlikely to discover
+for himself. He will however, if I mistake not, appreciate a soldierly
+narrative, unspoiled by "political" parentheses or underestimation of
+opponents, of what was undoubtedly a great military feat. The German
+right wing covered the most ground and met perhaps the toughest of the
+fighting.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I have found in _Lighting-up Time_ (COBDEN-SANDERSON) that all too
+rare thing, a theatrical novel of which the vitality does not expire
+towards the end of the fourth chapter. Obviously Mr. IVOR BROWN knows
+the life of modern stageland, one would say, with the intimacy of
+personal experience. More important still, he commands an easy style
+and a flow of genial, not too esoteric, humour that combine to keep
+the reader chuckling and curious to the last page. His title is
+characteristic, _Lighting-up Time_ symbolising here that period in
+the career of an actress when her possibly waning attractions need the
+illumination of a judicious boom. The two main characters are
+_Mary Maroon_, the leading lady, and _Peter Penruddock_, the astute
+publicity agent who engages to set her upon her financial and artistic
+pedestal. _Peter_, in other words, is _Mary's_ tide, taken at the
+flood in chapter one, and leading her, very divertingly, on to
+fortune. Both the tour of _Stolen or Strayed_ and the company that
+present it are admirably true to life, while Mr. BROWN has even been
+able convincingly to suggest the atmosphere of theatrical Oxford, when
+in due course his mummers descend upon that home of lost comedies and
+impossible revues. If I have a complaint against the book it is that a
+tale of such pleasant irony hardly needed the general pairing-off with
+which the author rings down his curtain; but for this Noah's Ark
+I should have more easily believed in a story that entertained me
+throughout.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There are some forty-odd bits in _A Bit at a Time_ (MILLS AND BOON),
+and they embrace a variety of subjects, ranging from crocuses in
+Kensington Gardens to corpse-boats on the Tigris. They are all,
+whether sentimental, satirical or pathetic, fiction of the lightest
+type. Such literature was eminently readable during the War--most
+of Mr. DION CLAYTON CALTHROP'S bits have to do with somebody's
+"bit"--when a touch of conventional pathos and pretended cynicism
+and a generous padding of humour, real or forced, provided sufficient
+relaxation from the strain of anxious hours. But the wisdom of
+republishing them in book form in these sober days of peace is open to
+question. When Mr. CALTHROP talks satirically of "perfect officials"
+or of an earnest young American aviator who writes letters home in
+a United States dialect that was never heard on land or sea outside
+Bayswater, or of the war-time adventures of one _Mr. Mason_, skipper,
+and _Mr. Smith_, his mate, he is tolerably amusing. When he becomes
+serious, as in "The Prayer of the Classical Parson" and "When the Son
+Came Home," his limitations become increasingly apparent. Yet it is
+in this vein that he gives us what is by all odds his best bit, "The
+Chevalier of Carnaby Row." When he writes of Cupids and fauns and
+Columbines and rose-leaves and the sort of young females that find
+this environment congenial (in books) I like Mr. CALTHROP least.
+Perhaps it is because the publishers have put his picture on the paper
+cover. He looks much too stalwart and sophisticated to be toying with
+such gossamer fantasies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LIFE'S LITTLE ANOMALIES.
+
+HOW MANY THOUSANDS OF POUNDS HAVE BEEN OFFERED TO CARPENTER AND
+DEMPSEY TO FIGHT, AND NOW HERE IS A KIND OLD LADY GIVING TWO BOYS
+SIXPENCE EACH IF THEY'LL PROMISE _NOT_ TO.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I doubt whether the complications which attend the devolution of dead
+men's property were created for the confusion of survivors or for the
+convenience of novelists. In the case of _The Lost Mr. Linthwaite_
+(HODDER AND STOUGHTON), _Mrs. Byfield_ had married _Mr. Byfield_, or
+at least she thought she had, and _Mr. Byfield_ had died, supposedly
+intestate. Previously _Mrs. Byfield_ had married _Mr. Melsome_, or
+again she thought she had, and _Mr. Melsome_ had disappeared and was
+assumed to be dead, leaving nothing behind him except a brother as
+vile as himself. The following discoveries were made by her in due
+sequence: That _Mr. Melsome_ was not dead and that therefore she was
+not _Mrs. Byfield_ but _Mrs. Melsome_; that _Mr. Melsome_ was already
+married when he purported to marry her, and that therefore she was not
+_Mrs. Melsome_ but _Mrs. Byfield_; and that a solicitor's clerk was
+absconding with the bulk of the _Byfield_ estate, which, of course,
+was what the bother was all about. Her son, bitten with the craze for
+discoveries, then discovered on his own that the late _Mr. Byfield_
+hadn't died intestate. I wonder myself if he ever really died at
+all.... These are what Mr. J. S. FLETCHER very aptly calls the mere
+legalities; the plot, which thickens and thickens from first page to
+last, concerns the handling of them by the evil but talented _Melsome_
+brothers, the accidental intervention of _Mr. Linthwaite_, and the
+rescue work of his admirable nephew, _Mr. Richard Brixey_, of _The
+Morning Sentinel_. Mr. FLETCHER tells his story well, but up to the
+very last moment I was looking and hoping for a surprise and was
+suspecting those legalities of being a deception invented to make
+the surprise all the greater. A first-class adventure, in my opinion
+spoilt by the sacrifice of originality to technicality.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The girls, to the number of 116, escaped in their night
+    attire, and displayed great coolness."--_News of the World._
+
+Very natural.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Baron Evence Coppee, a Belgian, has been arrested on
+    the charge of furnishing coal to the enemy during the
+    war."--_Daily Paper._
+
+With a name like that the copper could hardly miss him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sir Robert is now satisfied, I understand, that there
+    is considerable merit in the adage 'all comes to he who
+    waits.'"--_Daily Paper._
+
+SIR ROBERT seems easily pleased.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "ORCHESTRA (small), or few Instrumentalists, for sea-handling
+    Margarine and Butter in up-to-date style."--_Advt. in
+    Provincial Paper._
+
+But we fear that some of the stuff met with nowadays would "beat the
+band."
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+158, June 16, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 32080-8.txt or 32080-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
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+Team at http://www.pgdp.net
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