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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/32080-8.txt b/32080-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5d4d732 --- /dev/null +++ b/32080-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2064 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, +June 16, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, June 16, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: April 21, 2010 [EBook #32080] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Lesley Halamek, +Jonathan Ingram and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +Punch, + +or the London Charivari + +Volume 158, Jan-Jul 1920 + +June 16, 1920 + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + +"The Bolshevists," says a gossip writer, "do not always rob Peter to +pay Paul." No, they sometimes just rob Peter. + +* * * + +A Yarmouth report anticipates a shortage of herrings. It is said that +the PRIME MINISTER has a couple of second-hand red ones for disposal +which have only been drawn across the path once or twice. + +* * * + +"One of the Kaiser's mugs," says a news item, "has just been sold in +New York for forty pounds." We have suspected for some time that he +was a double-faced fellow. + +* * * + +"There should be no temptations to crime in so beautiful a spot," said +Mr. Justice COLERIDGE when presented with white gloves at the Anglesey +assizes. The sentiment is thought to be as old as ADAM. + +* * * + +"If it is necessary to strengthen the hands of the military in +Ireland," said Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, "the Government will certainly do +so." Our own view is that they should be protected even if it means +sending the Reserve of Special Constables to do it. + +* * * + +According to the Ministry of Transport, there is only one motor-car to +every one hundred and twenty people in Great Britain. The necessity of +fixing a maximum bag of pedestrians per car does not therefore arise. + +* * * + +A purple-eyed fish, eleven feet long, with a horn on its nose and no +teeth, has been caught at San Diego, California. That is the sort of +thing that makes Prohibition a secondary issue. + +* * * + +As the result of some remarks let drop by the crew and repeated by the +ship's parrot, several hundred bottles of liquor were found on board +the _S.S. Curaçao_ by the San Francisco port authorities. It is now +suggested, in the interests of philology, that the parrot should be +put back to hear how the crew takes it. + +* * * + +A young man while fishing on the Wye landed a wallet containing +twenty-two one-pound Treasury notes. A correspondent writing from +North of the Tweed inquires what bait the fellow was using. + +* * * + +The POSTMASTER-GENERAL points out that five hundred new telephones are +to be erected in rural districts. Local residents should at least be +grateful for this little friendly warning. + +* * * + +It is reported that M. KRASSIN told the PREMIER all about Russia. Mr. +LLOYD GEORGE was very interested, as he had often heard of the place. + +* * * + +With the letter postage at twopence, we read, it is in many cases just +as cheap to telephone. And in some cases just as quick. + +* * * + +"Will Wilde meet Beckett?" asks a headline. We can only say that we do +not intend to stand in their way. + +* * * + +General VON KLUCK has been telling somebody that he lost the battle of +the Marne by a fluke. As we can't have the War over again we must let +the matter remain at that. + +* * * + +According to an evening paper a temperance speaker fainted during a +procession in a Kentish town, and was immediately carried into a shop +and brought round by whisky. The report that on being informed of this +fact he again went off into a faint is happily without foundation. + +* * * + +A man aged seventy-six was charged last week with threatening to shoot +a West-End family of six. It is said that his parents intend to plead +the baneful influence of the cinema. + +* * * + +The fact that at least seven people have expressed their intention of +swimming the English Channel this year draws attention once more to +the lack of accommodation on our cross-Channel steamers. + +* * * + +A wheelbarrow has been presented to the parishioners of Hornchurch, +Essex. We have maintained all along that the motor-car craze would +wear itself out in time. + +* * * + +On April the 21st the Maharajah of BIKANIR shot his hundredth tiger. +All efforts to induce him to join the R.I.C. have so far failed. + +* * * + +The case is reported of a hen which lays an egg each morning on her +master's bed and then pecks his cheek to wake him up at the proper +time for breakfast. Guess where this happens. America? Right. + +* * * + +We understand that in view of the paper shortage the West Drayton man +who managed to get through on the telephone last week has abandoned +the idea of writing a book about it. + +* * * + +Much annoyance is said to have been caused to one bricklayer last +week. It seems that just before the dinner hour somebody kicked away +the brick he had laid and the unfortunate fellow had to start the day +all over again. + +* * * + +According to _The Manila Bulletin_ the cost of living is going to +fall. Not on us, we trust. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _'Arry._ "THEY'RE TALKIN' ABAHT DOIN' GREEK PLAYS AN' +PAGEANTS AN' ALL SORTS O' LOOPY STUNTS AT 'AMPSTEAD ON BANK 'OLIDAYS." + +_'Arriet._ "LUMME! IT'LL GIT THE PLACE A BAD NAME."] + + * * * * * + +The Hire Education. + + "Required, an Assistant Teacher (Lady), with option of + purchase."--_Australian Paper._ + + * * * * * + +"Ex-Soldier's Tale. + + NOTE TO WAR PRISONER HIDDEN IN CHEESE." + +_National News._ + +We should like to hear more of the prisoner and his novel +hiding-place. + + * * * * * + +MAY-WEEK. + + [Addressed affectionately to the author of "May-Week Then and + Now" in _The Times_ of last Wednesday.] + + Though forty years have done their worst + To change us to the sere and brown, + Since we in verdant freshness first + Assumed the triple-chevroned gown, + As I perused _The Times_ this very day week + Your statement thrilled me through and through-- + How people still go gathering nuts in May-week + Much as they used to do. + + The courts their dun-grey habit keep, + Their velvet-green the sacred lawns; + The rooks that marred our matin sleep + Still devastate the golden dawns; + Beneath my westward windows still the same bridge + Sags in the centre as of old; + In fact, in all essential matters Cambridge + Preserves its ancient mould. + + Slight innovations have occurred + That rudely on your senses strike; + Our innocence had never heard + The hooting of the motor-bike; + And though you might approve, with your rich tresses, + The vogue of leaving off your hat, + I with a crust that loathes the wind's caresses-- + I should revolt at that. + + But for the rest there's little strange; + Still Cam pursues his torpid way; + 'Tis we alone who suffer change + (I could not stick the course to-day); + New generations lash the same old river, + Spurt up the Long Reach, bump and sup; + What if we pass, through weight of years or liver? + Somebody keeps it up. + + Time may have weaned us long ago + With even sterner heights to win + Than when the once resilient toe + Was apt to dance the daylight in; + No doubt we've grown in wisdom since we started, + But I would give my head (with brain) + Just to be back there, young and agile-hearted, + Just for one June again. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +AUTHORSHIP FOR ALL. + + [In this series Mr. Punch presents a few specimens of the work + of his newly-established Literary Ghost Bureau, which supplies + appropriate Press contributions on any subject and over + any signature. Terms and simple self-measurement form on + application.] + +I.--THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF GENIUS. + +_By Miss Dinkie Devereux, the renowned Film Favourite._ + +The Editor of _The Weekly Newsbag_ has kindly asked me to write +an article on the duty which we denizens of Flickerland owe to +the public. This, it happens, is a subject that has long given me +"furiously to think," as a witty Frenchman once said in French. It may +be of interest, by the way, to state that I am myself partly of Gallic +extraction, my mother having been a Lyons girl before she was enabled +to open a tea-shop of her own; and, although born and bred in what +I am proud to call my native country, I can even now act just as +fluently in a French film as in an all-British production. + +But I must not let my thoughts run away with my pen, fascinating +though such cross-country excursions may be. To return to my appointed +topic, heavy indeed is the burden that is laid on the back of a cinema +star. You who know me only as the reigning queen of countless +Palaces may possibly imagine that my life is spent in flitting +butterfly-fashion from film to film, existing only for the golden +moment. But one is not born a butterfly, nor does one remain so +without constant effort. The strenuous nature of my labours indeed +necessitates frequent periods of recuperation, which I seek either +in my Highland fastness, or on my Californian peach-farm, or amid +the lotus-bushes of my villa on the Riviera. This, then, is one of my +first duties to the public--to preserve that Heaven-sent talent which, +in the words of mighty MILTON, "is death to hide." (MILTON, I may +say, is my favourite poet next to GEORGE R. SIMS, and "Odont" is my +favourite mouth-wash.) + +But the intervals between pictures are not all play. When I receive +notice of a forthcoming production in which my services are entreated +(and I owe it to humanity not to refuse my co-operation provided +certain bothersome preliminaries of a financial nature are +successfully negotiated), I spend a considerable time steeping myself +in the atmosphere of the part I am to fill. One of my most famous +_rôles_, as I need hardly mention, is that of _Lilian the Lift-Girl_, +in the great Solomonson six-reeler, _Ups and Downs_. In order to +prepare for this momentous undertaking I used to visit Whiteridge's +Stores daily and devote an hour or so to travelling in the elevators; +only thus could I hope to attain the proper perspective. The +attendants of course knew me well and used to ply me with gifts of +chocolates, etc.; but after a time I was compelled to refuse these +touching offerings because my chauffeur has a tendency to biliousness. + +Then there is the sacred duty of looking after what my Press agent +is good enough to call my "unearthly charm." I do not agree with +the _dictum_ that "we are as Heaven made us," and I am sure no film +enterprise could carry on successfully on those lines. Of course +you must have something to work upon, and for the bare edifice of my +beauty, which in all humility I admit was raised by other hands than +mine, I claim no special praise. But I think I may justly take +credit for the structural alterations I have effected and for the +self-sacrificing labours I have willingly undergone to maintain each +of my features at its maximum efficiency; to these the advertisement +columns of the papers bear constant testimony. + +(In passing let me observe that I have always found Mrs. Phipps's +Face-Fodder of invaluable assistance in "that fierce light which beats +upon the screen," as dear old TENNYSON--another great favourite of +mine--so nearly said.) + +Naturally enough the public is always ravenous for information +concerning the minutest details of my life, and to prevent +disappointment in this respect I send the Press a daily budget of +my doings, entitled _Dinkie Day by Day_. That is another burden I +cheerfully shoulder, and by this method my admirers are kept fully +acquainted with what I may call the real me--with the heart that +beats beneath the shadowed counterfeit. Nevertheless at times the most +absurd rumours get abroad. Recently, for example, I saw it stated in +quite a reputable organ that my favourite jam is blackberry-and-apple; +as a matter of fact I find all jams ruinous to the figure, and as a +tea-relish I usually limit myself to the more ascetic bloater-paste, +with salmon-and-shrimp as an occasional variant. + +My pet hobby is collecting precious stones, and my favourites among +these are pearls and diamonds, especially of the larger variety. +Frequently admirers of my art who know of this harmless foible are +good enough to add to my collection, and these spontaneous tributes +are among the compensations of a life dedicated at every moment of the +day to the public service. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DIRECT REACTION. + +LABOUR EXTREMIST. "HE'S A BIT TOO QUICK ON THE REBOUND." + +[Mr. LLOYD GEORGE gave a very straight answer to the representative of +those members of the National Union of Railwaymen who had refused +to handle munitions intended for the defence of the Royal Irish +Constabulary against murderous attack.]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HOLIDAY GOLF. + +_Landlady_ (_showing apartments in the vicinity of famous links_). +"OH, YOU'LL BE QUITE COMFORTABLE HERE, SIR; YOU SEE, WE'RE USED TO +GOLFERS."] + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER DOG DISPUTE. + +As far as was revealed by the torn remnants of posters adhering to +Farmer Pyke's barn, the only event of importance in Little Spudsey +since the letting by auction of fifty-seven acres of summer keeping in +April, 1918, was the Rural District Council Election in March, 1920. +Conspicuous mention was made of Pyke, Cluttrel and Gedge, Coalition +Candidates, who had apparently coalesced to crush one Winch, +Independent. I was endeavouring to discover his fate when old William +Trimble doddered along. + +"Marnin', Mr. Lomax," he said; "you be back at last?" + +I could not deny the fact. + +"There be only Hosea Bennett an' George Riley to coom now, an' the +toll'll be complete." + +"Where are they now?" I asked. + +"George be in India, or leastways 'e was, an' Hosea's at Cologny. +They'm both expected back by Saturday fortnit, an' th' question which +on 'em really owns th' Yarkshire tarrier'll have to be settled once +an' for all. Yon election hinged on it." + +"I'm afraid I've forgotten the details, William," I confessed lamely. + +"You'll surely remember th' little Yarkshire tarrier as strayed into +th' village in the summer o' '14," said William. "Hosea claimed it as +his'n by right of hollering it first, but George rackened him givin' +it a bit o' bacon-rind from 'is lunch med 'im th' rightful owner. It +stayed a few days wi' Hosea, then George 'ticed it away, an' generally +it hung to the one as happened to have th' biggest bone. Feeling ran +high atween them till, after the harvest 'ad bin got in, Mr. Gedge, at +The Chequers, axed George what about j'ining up. + +"'What, an' give Hosea a free run wi' th' tarrier?' said George. 'Not +blessed likely.' + +"Hosea for his part said 'e weren't going to budge while th' village +were infested wi' dog-stealers; so Mr. Gedge 'e says, 'Hand th' dog to +me. I'll howd it wi'out fear nor favour, an' when you both cooms back +we'll have it properly arbitrated on.' + +"So Hosea j'ined the Infantry an' George went into th' Yeomanry. There +was some friction when George first coom on leave an' Mr. Gedge let +'im have th' tarrier for a day's ratting. Th' Bennett family said it +were breaking the agreement, but Mr. Gedge said it were a patriotic +duty to give th' lads a bit of amusement when they came on leave, an' +'e 'd undertake the Rileys 'ud make no objection when Hosea coom home. +But it made a lot 'o coolness atween th' families, an' when Hosea were +wounded in '15 the Bennettses as good as said th' Rileys weren't no +better nor pro-Germans in not giving up their claim to th' tarrier. +Public opinion were with Hosea at that time, but it veered round to +George when 'e won th' Military Medal in '16. + +"However, George got orders to go East in '17, an' Hosea had pretty +frequent leaves and were allus parading th' dog outside the Rileys' +cottage. About the end o' '18 owd Ephraim Riley got tired of it and +went to see Mr. Gedge on th' subject. + +"'Fair's fair,' he says, 'an' Hosea ain't no right to be worming 'is +way into that dog's affections while George can't get home.' + +"'There's summat in that,' said Mr. Gedge; an' next time Hosea cooms +home 'e finds the dog in pound, so to speak. + +"'Very good,' says he; 'I don't coom home again till George is here.' + +"In th' spring of '19, 'bout the time as the tarrier--which was +getting owd and cantankerous--bit Wilfred Browitt in th' leg, we heerd +that George weren't likely to be back for a longish time, an' Hosea +wrote to say in that case he'd take on in th' Army for another year. +Then we had mower excitement, for it was said that Winch, a new-comer, +had put up for th' Council, an' it 'ud mean an election. Fowks were so +used to Farmer Pyke an' Mr. Gedge and Mr. Cluttrel setting that they +rackened they didn't need to be voted on, but would go in automatic. +However, there were a meetin' in th' parish-room, an' when Chairman +axed if anyone 'ad any questions Wilfred Browitt got up an' said: + +"'Who owns tarrier, Hosea Bennett or George Riley?' + +"It were well known that Wilfred were a mean-sperrited crittur as only +wanted to know from which one 'e 'd be likely to get compensation for +th' bite on his leg. So Mr. Gedge 'e rose an' answered:-- + +"'It's well known Mr. Pyke nor Mr. Cluttrel nor self can't say +anything on the matter, as it is sub-judish till th' lads coom home.' + +"'What do you say, Mr. Winch?' persisted Wilfred. + +"'I declare for George Riley,' said Winch boldly, 'him being the first +to give it sustenance.' + +"There were a great sensation at that, an' it showed the cunningness +o' Winch. He knew the Rileys were intermarried wi' half th' village +and all George's relations 'ud be bound to vote for 'im after he'd +declared for them. And so it proved, for, though th' Bennettses +rallied everyone they could for th' Coalitioners, they weren't strong +enough, an Winch got in in place o' Mr. Cluttrel." + +"Still," I remarked, "the question of ownership isn't settled." + +"No, that'll be settled Saturday fortnit. It'll be a rare set-back for +Winch if the verdict goes to Hosea." + +"But in any case the terrier is sure of a good home," I said. + +"Well, as to that," replied William, "it were the principle o' the +thing that were at stake. When th' tarrier bit Wilfred Browitt in '19 +he chased it out of th' village wi' his stick, an' nobody ain't seen +it since." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Host_ (_to guest, who is helping him to make a +pergola_). "DON'T LEAN ON IT, YOU SILLY ASS! YOU'LL HAVE IT DOWN."] + + * * * * * + +Our Modest Advertisers. + + "TO BE LET.--Charming Little Gentleman's Pleasure + Farm."--_Field._ + + * * * * * + + "A Northampton Corporation report states that contractor's + workmen have applied for permission to work longer hours." + +_Daily Chronicle._ + +We understand that the Labour Party will at once order the Ministry of +Health to take steps to isolate these cases, and that there is little +danger of a spread of the epidemic. + + * * * * * + +A PRISCILLA DIALOGUE. + +There is probably some way by which a young female child can be led +through easy stages of Socratic dialogue to the idea of ultimate truth +in morals as well as art. There is probably some way of talking to +such a child without being badly scored off. But I do not seem to +have the gift. This is the more unfortunate because the thing usually +happens before I have finished my breakfast, and nothing is quite so +damaging to my self-esteem as to be soundly snubbed in my own house +before the day's work has begun. + +Mind you I do not honestly believe that my logic is at fault. I +believe that there is usually a flaw in the reasoning of the child. +But you cannot very well say to an infant of three, "You are now being +guilty of an undistributed middle or a _petitio elenchi_ or whatever +it is." She would do what I have heard even older women do in like +circumstances. She would change the subject at once. Perhaps the +MONTESSORI system ... But let us take a typical case. + +I found her sitting at a large table by the dining-room window, in a +high chair that left her red shoes eighteen inches from the ground, a +complete doll's tea service in front of her and a small stuffed lamb +on her right-hand side. The tea-pot appeared to contain real water +and the sugar-basin real sugar, and although she was supremely busy +watering and sugaring and rearranging her cups and jugs and spoons +she greeted me with the composure of an experienced _châtelaine_. Our +conversation went something like this:-- + +_She._ Will you have any cup of tea? + +_I_ (_having drunk a small cup of water with a very little real sugar +and a large quantity of real grit in it_.) Thank you. How delicious! +But I must go and have my breakfast now. + +_She_ (_taking no notice at all and offering me a small fragment of +moist toast_). Will you have any piece of cake? + +_I._ Thank you. What lovely plum-cake! + +_She_ (_with infinite scorn_). Ho! that isn't _plum_-cake. There isn't +any plums in it. It's _choclat_ cake. + +_I_ (_humiliated_). Oh, well, I don't think I will have any more tea, +thank you. + +_She_ (_coldly_). I'm going to give my lamb tea now. + +[_The method of giving tea to a lamb, in case it is not generally +known, is to plaster the lamb's nose with spoonfuls of sugar and +then lick off the sugar with one's tongue. At least that is the way +Priscilla does it._] + +_I_ (_reprovingly from the breakfast-table_.) What a funny way to give +your lamb tea, Priscilla. + +_She._ My lamb says he likes having his tea like this. (_A longish +pause._) Please will you draw me a picsher? + +_I._ What kind of a picture? + +_She._ A picsher of a house. + +_I._ What kind of a house? + +_She_ (_in one long breath_). A purple house with a yellow roof and +blue curtains and a green door and rose-trees with red roses and +hollyhocks and a dear little pussy-cat and a motor-car coming up the +drive. + +[_This is executed in coloured crayons with a rapidity born of +hunger and long practice, and passed to the Hanging Committee for +inspection._] + +_She_ (_examining it critically_). Ho! that isn't a _door_. + +_I._ Yes, it is, Priscilla. It's a very nice _door_. + +_She._ It isn't a door. It hasn't any knocker. + +[_After all, when_ is _a door not a door? I finish the joinery job and +carry on with my bacon._] + +_She_ (_suddenly_). There isn't any sun. + +[_I sketch in the regulation pattern of circular sun, with eyes, a +nose and a smile complete._] + +_She._ That isn't a sun. It hasn't any hair. + +_I._ The sun doesn't have any hair, Priscilla. + +_She_ (_decisively_). Nurse has hair. + +[_This really seems unanswerable. Having amended Phoebus Apollo +I start in with my marmalade. After a lapse of a few minutes a low +hammering is heard from somewhere on the floor at the far side of the +table._] + +_I._ Whatever are you doing, Priscilla? + +_She._ Sooing my horse. + +[_She is discovered beating the wheels of a grey wooden flat-backed +animal on a stand with a hammer procured from heaven alone knows +where._] + +_I._ Well, don't hit him on the wheels, anyhow. (_A pause, subdued +noises and a sigh._) What are you doing now, Priscilla? + +_She._ Sooing him on his back. + +_I._ Doesn't that hurt him? + +_She._ It hurts him very much, but he doesn't _say_ anything. + +[_I come round to give veterinary advice._] + +_I._ Don't you love your horse, Priscilla? + +_She._ Yes, he's my friendly horse. + +_I._ Well, don't bang him about like that; all the paint's coming off +him. + +[_The carpet is in fact bestrewn with small flakes of grey paint from +the unhappy creature's flanks._] + +_She_ (_derisively_). Ho! that isn't paint. That's snorts. + +_I_ (_helplessly_). Whatever do you mean? + +_She._ That's snorts. Snorts from his mouf. White snorts. + +_I._ But why is your horse snorting from his mouth, Priscilla? + +_She._ He's snorting from his mouf because I'm sooing him on his back. + +Well, there you are, you know; what is one going to do about it? There +is a sort of specious plausibility about these replies after all; I +am no farrier, but I should think it quite likely that if you shoed +a cart-horse long enough on the back with a large enough hammer he +_would_ snort white snorts from his mouth; and it's no use telling the +girl that she can't jump from realism to romance in that disingenuous +manner. Besides she might start hammering the wheels again. Or else +she would say that her horse _said_ he was snorting, and who am I to +contradict a British horse? I used to consider myself pretty good at +what are called back-answers and I still believe that with a little +practice I could hold my own in Whitechapel or the House of Commons, +but there are subtle transitions about Priscilla's method of argument +with which only a Prime Minister could cope. It carries too many guns +for me. It cramps my style. + +V. + + * * * * * + +A CORNISH COTTAGE. + + Beside the clock two spaniels stand, + Two china spaniels golden-spotted; + On a lace d'oyley (contraband) + Beams a red-faced geranium (potted). + + Framed portraits rest on woollen mats, + Black-bearded smugglers with their spouses; + The gentlemen wear bowler hats, + The ladies sport their Sunday blouses. + + Two pictures decorate the wall, + Vesuvius spouting sparks and ashes, + The brig _Calypso_ in a squall, + Full-sailed despite the lightning flashes. + + Without, the dark Atlantic flings + Against the cliff its booming surges, + And, as a shell, the snug room rings + With its reverberating dirges. + + Against the door the night winds rave + Like outcast dogs, their lot deploring; + Triumphant over wind and wave + Rises my landlord's lusty snoring. + + PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + + "There was one summer when he lived by himself in a lonely old + houseboat on the Thames, from which he paddled himself ashore + every morning in a top-hat."--_Daily Paper._ + +The drawback to this kind of craft is that it only accommodates a +single skull. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + +MR. GILEAD P. BLOGGS (U.S.A.) ORDERS FOR HIS NEW DINING-ROOM AT +PITTSBURGH A COLOSSAL PICTURE REPRESENTING A HOSPITABLE SIDEBOARD, TO +KEEP ALIVE HIS MEMORIES OF "WET" AMERICA.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +_Accused_ (_just dismissed_). "MANY THANKS! WHAT SHOULD I HAVE DONE +WITHOUT YOU?" + +_Counsel._ "OH, ABOUT SIX MONTHS."] + + * * * * * + +LITTLE BITS OF LONDON. + +BILLINGSGATE. + +In order to see Billingsgate properly in action it is necessary to get +up at half-past four and travel on the Underground by the first train +East, which is an adventure in itself. The first train East goes at +three minutes past five, and there are large numbers of people who +travel in it every day; by Charing Cross it is almost crowded. It is +full of Bolshevists; and I do not wonder. One sits with one's feet up +in a first-class carriage, clutching a nice cheap workman's ticket and +trying hard to look as if, like the Bolshevists, one did this every +day. + +On arriving at the Monument Station one walks briskly past the +seductive announcement that "THE MONUMENT IS NOW OPEN," and plunges +into a world of fish. I have never been able to understand why fish +is so funny. On the comic stage a casual reference to fish is almost +certain to provoke a shout of laughter; in practice, and especially +in the mass, it is not so funny; it is like the Government, an +inexhaustible source of humour at a distance, and in the flesh +extraordinarily dull. + +Over the small streets which surround the market hangs a heavy pall +of fishy vapour. The streets are full of carts; the carts are full of +fish. The houses in the streets are fish-dealers' places, more or less +full of fish. The pavements are full of fish-porters, carrying fish, +smelling of fish. Fragments of conversation are heard, all about +fish. Fish lie sadly in the gutters. The scales of fish glitter on the +pavements. A little vigorous swimming through the outlying fisheries +brings you to the actual market, which is even more wonderful. Imagine +a place like Covent Garden, and nearly as big, but entirely devoted to +fish. In the place of those enchanting perspectives of flower-stalls, +imagine enormous regiments of fish-stalls, paraded in close order and +groaning with halibut and conger-eel, with whiting and lobsters and +huge crabs. Round these stalls the wholesale dealers wade ankle-deep +in fish. Steadily, maliciously, the great fish slide off the stalls +on to the floor; steadily the dealers recover them and pile them up +on their small counters, or cast them through the air on to other +counters, or fling them into baskets in rage or mortification or sheer +bravado. + +The dealers are men with business-faces, in long white coats, +surprisingly clean. Every now and then they stop throwing crabs into +baskets or retrieving halibut from the floor, and make little entries +in long note-books. I do not know exactly what entries they make, but +I think they must all be in for some competition, and are making notes +about their scores; one man I watched had obviously just beaten the +record for halibut-recovery. He recovered so many in about a minute +that the tops of his boots were just beginning to show. When he had +done that he made such long notes in his book about it that most of +the halibut slid on to the floor again while he was doing it. Then he +began all over again. But I expect he won the prize. + +Meanwhile about a million fish-porters are dashing up and down the +narrow avenues between the fish-stalls, porting millions of boxes of +fish. Nearly all of them, I am glad to say, have been in the army or +have had a relative in the army; for they are nearly all wearing the +full uniform of a company cook, which needs no description. On their +heads they have a kind of india-rubber hat, and on the india-rubber +hat they have a large box of fish weighing about six stone--six +_stone_, I tell you. This box they handle as if it was a box of +cigars. They pick it up with a careless gesture; they carry it as +if it was a slightly uncomfortable hat, and they throw it down with +another careless gesture, usually on to another box of fish; this +explains why so many of one's herrings appear to have been maimed at +sea. + +When they have finished throwing the boxes about they too take out a +note-book and make notes about it all. This, it seems, is to make +sure that they are paid something for throwing each box about. I don't +blame them. It must be a hard life. Yet if I thought I could pick up +six stone of salmon and plaice and throw it about I should sign on at +Billingsgate at once. It is true they start work about five; but they +stop work, it seems, about ten, and they earn a pound and over for +that. Then they can go home. Most of them, I imagine, are stockbrokers +during the rest of the day. + +And they are a refined and gentlemanly body of men. I hope the old +legend that the fish-porter of Billingsgate expresses himself in +terms too forcible for the ordinary man is now exploded; for it is a +slander. In fact it is a slander to call him a "porter;" at least in +these days I suppose it is libellous to connect a man falsely with +the N.U.R., if only by verbal implication. But, however that may be, +I here assert that the Billingsgate fish-porter is a comparatively +smooth and courteous personage, and, considering his constant +association with fish in bulk, I think it is wonderful. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Connoisseur (smoking cigarette stump just thrown away +by passer-by)_. "EITHER TERBAKKER ISN'T WOT IT WOS--OR THESE 'ERE +TOFFS AIN'T."] + + * * * * * + +At the far end of the market is the river Thames; and on the river +Thames there is a ship or two chockful of fish. Fish-porters with a +kind of _blasé_ animation run up and down a long gangway to the ship +with six-stone boxes of fine fresh whiting on their heads. These +boxes they pile up on a chute (carefully noting each box in their +note-books), after which an auctioneer auctions the boxes. This is the +really exciting part of the show. The dealers or the dealers' agents +stand round in a hungry ring and buy the boxes of fish as they slide +down the chute. The dealers seem to detail a less cultured type of man +for this purpose, and few of the bidders come up to the standard of +refinement of the fish-porters. But the auctioneer understands them, +and he knows all their Christian names. He can tell at a glance +whether it is Mossy Isaacs or Sam Isaacs. He is a very clever man. + +They stand round looking at the boxes of fish, and when one of them +twitches the flesh of his nose or faintly moves one of his eyelashes +it means that he has bought six stone of whiting for thirty shillings. +That is the only kind of sign they give, and the visitor will be wise +not to catch the auctioneer's eye, or blow his nose or do any overt +action like that, or he may find that he has bought six stone of +salmon and halibut for forty-five shillings. At an auction of fish it +is true to say that a nod is as good as a wink; in fact it is worse. + +The dealers are silent motionless men; but nobody else is. Everybody +else is dashing about and shouting as loud as he can. As each box of +fish is sold the porters dash at it and shout at it (of course in a +very gentlemanly way) and carry it off in all directions. It is quite +clear that nobody knows who has bought it and where it is going. The +idea of the whole thing is to impress the visitor with the mobility +of fish, and this object is successfully attained. No doubt when the +visitors have gone away they settle down and decide definitely whom +the fish belongs to. + +It is now about half-past six. Fish is still rushing in at one end +from the ship and is rushing in at the other from the railway-vans. +The porters are throwing the fish at the dealers' stalls (registering +each hit in their note-books), and the dealers are throwing it on +to the floor or throwing it at each other or trying to throw it at a +retailer, who always puts on a haughty air and passes on to the next +stall, till he too gets entangled in the game and finds that he has +bought twenty-four stone of whiting at twopence a pound; then he +throws it at some more porters, and the porters dash outside and throw +it at the carts, and the carts clatter away to Kensington, and my +wife buys a whiting at tenpence a pound, and the circle of fish +organisation is complete. + +At about this point it is a good thing to pass on to Covent Garden and +buy some flowers. + +A. P. H. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Aspiring Solicitor_ (_speaking in telephone with the +idea of impressing supposed client_). "YES, TELL THE LORD CHANCELLOR +I WILL LUNCH WITH HIM, AND SHALL BE VERY HAPPY TO GIVE HIM THE BENEFIT +OF MY ADVICE IN THE MATTER HIS LORDSHIP MENTIONED. GOOD-BYE. NOW WHAT +CAN I DO FOR YOU, SIR?" + +_Supposed Client._ "WELL, I'VE COME ABOUT YOUR TELEPHONE, SIR, WHICH +I UNDERSTAND FROM YOUR LETTER TO US HAS BEEN COMPLETELY OUT OF WORKING +ORDER SINCE YESTERDAY."] + + * * * * * + +A Record Crash. + +From "Sayings of the Week" in a Sunday paper:-- + + "With the aerial world at our feet we are making no effort to + grasp it.--_G. Holt Thomas._" + + * * * * * + +CAPUA. + +(_A Bolshevist's lament, designed to show that though we may appear to +be giving way rather easily to the Russian Government we have a deep +purpose in it all._) + + Silken ways and softer manners + Bend the barbarous victor down; + Woe unto the Soviet banners! + M. KRASSIN is in town. + + Hark! the Lydian lute is thrumming + Roses fall about his feet; + He shall pardon each shortcoming, + Conqueror he shall taste defeat. + + Puzzled, maybe slightly baffled, + He shall get to like it all, + Overlook the absent scaffold + At the windows of Whitehall. + + Piccadilly, though it warps his + Sense of justice, he shall see + Unencumbered by the corpses + Of a bloated _bourgeoisie_; + + Quite forget the stern aspirants + To a nobler newer world; + Tread the Birdcage Walk with tyrants, + Have his hair by Bond Street curled; + + Lulled by scented airs and graces, + Feel the Scythian ardours fade; + Purchase underwear and braces + In the Burlington Arcade; + + Losing for a mess of pottage + TROTSKY'S wireless apothegms, + Take a little country cottage + And a houseboat on the Thames. + + Oh to think that as he lingers + Hour by hour he needs must hook + Round imperial palms the fingers + Of a hand that LENIN shook. + + Commerce like an iron girder + Props the new world and the old; + All men know the stains of murder + May be lightly washed with gold. + + Ah, but when the bright-eyed vulture, + Fresh from feasting on the slain, + Learns the way of foreign culture + Shall his claws grow sharp again? + + So for him we weep, the Tartar + Blood-bedabbled to his wrists, + When his free soul sinks to barter + With abhorred capitalists. + + Silken ways and softer manners + Bend the sturdiest victor down; + Woe unto the Soviet banners! + M. KRASSIN is in town. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AIR-CRAFTINESS + +BRITISH LION. "HALLO! STARTED FLYING AGAIN ALREADY?" + +GERMAN EAGLE. "OH, PURELY A COMMERCIAL FLUTTER." + +BRITISH LION (_to himself_). "I REMEMBER HEARING THAT SAME YARN ABOUT +THEIR NAVY. TIME I DEVELOPED _MY_ WINGS AGAIN." + +["In Germany there are millions of men firmly determined to win back +by the air what they have lost by sea and on land." + +_General Seeley._]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "MANY YEARS AGO." + +SIR ERIC GEDDES AT A SUNDAY SCHOOL TREAT.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, June 7th._--"Has the right hon. gentleman any experience +of Sunday School treats?" asked Mr. INSKIP after the MINISTER OF +TRANSPORT had announced that the railway companies, while conceding +reduced fares for these outings, could not extend the facilities to +more than one adult for every ten children. Sir ERIC GEDDES admitted +that his experience was "many years ago." There must have been "giants +in those days" among the Sunday School teachers if one of them was +able to "moderate the transports" of ten little ERICS. + +The PRIME MINISTER had discarded the jaunty grey suit which he wore +last week, and in his "blacks" looked rather like a Scottish elder. +Nevertheless, when requested by Mr. MACCALLUM SCOTT to interpret the +articles of the "Auld Kirk" he declined to rush in where Mr. BONAR LAW +had feared to tread, and contented himself with the remark that this +was "a very dangerous question for a mere Southerner." + +The negotiations with M. KRASSIN caused many inquiries. Mr. WILLIAM +SHAW, for example, sought a guarantee that the Bolshevists should not +be allowed to pay for the goods they might now order with the stores +that they had seized from His Majesty's Government. One is reminded +of PHIL MAY'S publican, who took the theft of his pewters +philosophically, but was moved to strong protest when the thief +brought them back in the form of bad half-crowns. + +Coalitionist anxiety in regard to the PRIME MINISTER'S flirtation with +the Soviet emissary took shape in a motion for the adjournment moved +by Colonel GRETTON, who was shocked at the idea of negotiating with a +Government that depended on violence, and seconded by Admiral Sir R. +HALL, who doubted whether there was anything to be got out of +Russia. Mr. LLOYD GEORGE replied that, according to the evidence +of anti-Bolshevist refugees, there were quantities of grain and raw +materials awaiting export, while in regard to the general question he +poured much rhetorical contempt on the argument that we were never +to trade with a country that was misgoverned. What about Turkey? +What about Mexico? "You cannot always examine the records of your +customers." + +Earlier in the day Sir A. GRIFFITH BOSCAWEN had moved the Second +Reading of the Agriculture Bill with so much vigour and enthusiasm +that one wondered why a Bill so vital to the national well-being +had not been introduced a little earlier. Later speakers were less +friendly. Mr. ACLAND declared that the measure was only necessary +because the Government could not keep the country out of international +difficulties. Captain FITZROY complained that the Bill did too +much for the tenant-farmer; whereas Mr. CAUTLEY described it as the +tenant-farmer's death-knell. + +_Tuesday, June 8th._--The prevalent belief that Mr. CHURCHILL is +always spoiling for a fight, and is mainly responsible for all the +wars now going on in various parts of the world, is, I am ready to +believe, entirely erroneous. But there is no doubt of his desire to +"see red" so far as His Majesty's Army is concerned. The report +that the Government intended to spend three millions in putting our +soldiers back into the traditional scarlet inspired a multitude of +questions to the WAR SECRETARY this afternoon. Mr. CHURCHILL declared +it to be grossly exaggerated. Nevertheless, in political circles it +is believed that at the next election the Government can rely with +confidence upon the nurserymaids' vote. + +[Illustration: MR. CHURCHILL SEES RED. ARMY UNIFORM (1) AS IT IS; +(2) AS IT WAS BEFORE THE WAR AND WILL BE AGAIN; AND (3) AS TO SUIT MR. +CHURCHILL'S MARLBOROUGH TRADITIONS, IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN.] + +In resisting the proposal to make a levy on capital Mr. CHAMBERLAIN +covered the ground so exhaustively that, as Sir F. BANBURY +subsequently observed, the chief complaint to be made of his speech +was that it was not delivered three months before, when it would have +saved the money-market great anxiety and prevented much depreciation +of capital. For, according to the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, a levy +on war-wealth was never really practicable, and even if it had been +would have had no effect upon the amount of the floating debt, his +most pressing problem. But, if so, why not have said it at the start, +instead of setting up a Committee to try to find a solution for the +insoluble? + +Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S contention that by the income-tax and super-tax +wealth was already heavily conscripted would have perhaps been better +left without illustration. His case of the gentleman with £131,000 a +year, who after paying his taxes had only £42,500 to spend, left Mr. +STEPHEN WALSH quite cold. Sir DONALD MACLEAN, by some odd process of +reasoning, came to the conclusion that the Government's decision would +be welcomed by all the enemies of capital, and announced his intention +of joining the Labour Party in the Lobby. + +_Wednesday, June 9th._--The Air Navigation Bill passed through +the usually serene atmosphere of the Upper House, but not without +encountering a certain number of "bumps." Lord MONTAGU, calling to +mind the nursery saying, "if pigs could fly," was alarmed by the +possibility that "air-hogs" might interfere with the amenities, and +might even endanger the lives, of earth-bound citizens by flying over +them at unduly low altitudes. He suggested two thousand feet as a +minimum. Lord LONDONDERRY resisted the Amendment on the ground that it +was difficult to gauge the height at which aircraft flew, and thought +few airmen would care to risk the penalties provided in the Bill--a +fine of two hundred pounds and six months' imprisonment--by indulging +a taste for forbidden stunts. + +At first blush you would hardly think it necessary to include the City +Corporation among the local authorities who may establish aerodromes. +The "one square mile" does not offer much encouragement to the airman +who wishes to make a safe landing. But you never can tell what may +happen. The "Old Lady of Threadneedle Street," who is said to be +contemplating an upward extension of her premises, may perhaps welcome +aeroplanes to her hospitable roof, and thereby give a new significance +to "banking" in the aviator's vocabulary. + +In the Commons the anomalous position produced by President WILSON's +undertaking to delimit the boundaries of Armenia, although his country +has refused to accept the mandate for its administration, elicited +from Mr. BONAR LAW the curious explanation that the invitation to +delimit was addressed to Mr. WILSON "in his personal capacity." But +when Mr. BOTTOMLEY sought further light on this phrase Mr. LAW was +unable or unwilling to supply it. He did, however, vouchsafe the +information that, whatever America might do, this country would not +add Armenia to its existing share of "the white man's burden." + +[Illustration: _Resourceful Spokesman of Picnic Party (anticipating +trouble)._ "DELIGHTED YOU WERE ABLE TO TURN UP! YOU DON'T MIND OUR +HAVING STARTED WITHOUT YOU?"] + +_Thursday, June 10th._--It seems a pity that since Count DE SALIS left +Montenegro and made his famous secret report the British Government +has had no representative in that distracted country. In the absence +of official information the most diverse descriptions of its present +state gain currency. According to Lord SYDENHAM the Serbians, who wish +to incorporate Montenegro in the new Jugo-Slavia, are taking every +step to intimidate their opponents (described as ninety per cent. +of the population) and have incidentally imprisoned a number of +ex-Ministers. Lord CURZON agreed that this was quite probable, +inasmuch as ex-Ministers bore a considerable ratio to the whole +population, but otherwise challenged Lord SYDENHAM's allegations. His +own information (source not named) was that the Montenegrin majority +was in favour of Yugo-Slav union. The debate confirmed the impression +that all statements emanating from the Black Mountain should be taken +_cum grano_ DE SALIS. + +In the Commons Mr. BONAR LAW was taking a day off, and, as usually +happens when the PRIME MINISTER is in charge, "a certain liveliness" +prevailed. The renewed offensive of General WRANGEL incited the +Bolshevist sympathisers to start one on their own account. An attempt +to move the adjournment was nipped in the bud by the SPEAKER. Colonel +WEDGWOOD made a gallant effort to usurp the functions of the Chair +by declaring that the matter was both definite and urgent; but Mr. +LOWTHER replied that unfortunately the decision rested with him and +not with the hon. Member. + +The House then settled down to business, and gave a Third Reading to +two Bills, and a Second Reading to five others. On the Women, Young +Persons and Children (Employment) Bill Mr. BARNES took exception, not +unnaturally, to a clause permitting "the employment of women and +young persons in shifts up to ten o'clock at night," and Major BAIRD +undertook to consider the withdrawal of this equivocal piece of +draftsmanship. + + * * * * * + + "'The time has come,' the walrus said, + 'To speak of many things: + Of shoes and ships and sealing-wax, + Of cabbages and kings.'--(O. Henry)." + + _Free State Paper._ + +Where did LEWIS CARROLL? Apparently not in the Free State. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Curate_ (_discussing the drink question_). "MIND YOU, +I'M FOND OF A GLASS OF BEER. MYSELF, BUT I CAN'T INDULGE. IT DOESN'T +AGREE WITH ME." + +_Rustic_ (_sympathetically_). "DEAR, DEAR! AIN'T THERE NO CURE?"] + + * * * * * + +THE FUTURE OF APSLEY HOUSE. + +CONFLICTING STATEMENTS. + +The possibility of a super-dancing-saloon being erected on the site of +Apsley House is, we fear, likely to be relegated to the limbo of lost +opportunities. + +It will be remembered that a few weeks ago London in general and the +West-End in particular was excited and delighted by the announcement +that Apsley House had been sold to an influential syndicate and +would shortly be converted into a massive and monumental block, +forty storeys high, crowned with the dancing-saloon and including +a concert-hall with the most powerful organ in the world, and +a swimming-bath with salt water conveyed by a special pipe from +Brighton. + +It will also be remembered that Mr. Chumpley Swope, the chairman of +the syndicate, issued a powerful manifesto in which he explained +the purely humanitarian motives of the enterprise--to obliterate +the militaristic associations of the site; to replace an unsightly +building by a fabric which would be one of the architectural glories +of London, and simultaneously to cheer the patients in St. George's +Hospital with the sounds of harmony by night. + +Unhappily the realisation of these beneficent and artistic designs +seems likely to be indefinitely postponed, to judge from the +authoritative statements made to our representative by Mr. Doremus +Pomerene, architect to the owners, and by Mr. Chumpley Swope himself. + +"There never was any idea," said Mr. Pomerene, "in the minds of +the present owners, Mr. Otis Flather and Mr. Virgil Onderdonk, +of converting the site of Apsley House to the uses of a +super-dancing-saloon. Mr. Flather is a convinced opponent of the +dancing mania and President of the Anti-Tarantulation League, while +Mr. Onderdonk has always been a profound admirer of the great Duke +of WELLINGTON. Subject to the approval of the present Duke it is our +intention to re-erect Apsley House on the Playing Fields at Eton, and +utilise the site for the building of flats for the New Poor." + +"The erection of a Neo-Georgian super-dancing-saloon on the Piccadilly +frontage of Apsley House," said Mr. Chumpley Swope, "has long been the +dearest dream of my heart. My first negotiations with Messrs. Shumway +and Prudden were conducted for the express purpose of facilitating the +realisation of this project. Moreover, when Mr. Flather joined me in +the purchase of the entire site his representative, Mr. Onderdonk, was +fully aware of my plans and expressed his cordial approval thereof. + +"Eventually my friends and I accepted offers made to us by Mr. Flather +whereby the entire site was vested in him, subject to an agreement +that the Piccadilly frontage to a depth of two hundred kilowatts +should be reserved for the erection of the dancing-saloon, the +concert-hall and the swimming-bath. + +"Owing however to the difficulties connected with the laying of the +pipe from Brighton and the unaccountable and irrational hostility +displayed by the Governing Body of St. George's Hospital the plan of +erecting this Temple of Terpsichore has fallen into abeyance and +the West-End is threatened with the loss of an educational asset of +incomparable value. I may add, however, that negotiations have been +opened with the Dean and Chapter of WESTMINSTER and that I do not +altogether despair of obtaining an alternative site and making a fresh +start with my plans for beautifying and humanising London." + + * * * * * + +Limitations. + + There was a young lady of Clacton + Whose knowledge was wide and exact on + Jazz, jumpers and plays + And the cinema craze; + But she never had heard of Lord Acton. + + * * * * * + + "'Obregon signed the flag as did others at the convention,' + said Villa. 'He kissed the mlag, and cried as he kissed it. + Then those who wanted to break the agreement stole the blag + with the signatures of the delegates." + + _American Paper._ + +This helps us a little to appreciate the confusion of Mexican +politics. + + * * * * * + +PERSISTENCE OF THE MILITARY. + +In pre-war days, when one's health was tested at the order of a +verbally polite but fundamentally distrustful insurance company, the +examination was a pleasant affair, conducted by a benign old gentleman +who behaved like one's own family physician. + +Now all that is changed. I lately took the liberty of offering to bet +a Company that I would not live for ever, in spite of my present rude +health. In reply I was invited "to meet our medical advisers at our +office." + +I arrived obediently at the appointed time and was ushered into a room +in which sat behind a table two elderly gentlemen of ultra-military +appearance. When, later, they addressed each other as "Colonel" and +"Major" I knew that they were civilian dug-outs militarised by the +War. + +Colonel drew himself up and spoke to me in a C.O. voice: "Well, what +is the general state of your health?" + +I felt that it was up to me to play the old war-game, even if it +ruined my chance of getting insured. I therefore started to enumerate +the various minor ailments from which I suffered. + +"To begin with," I explained, "I've sprained my wrist rather badly +and--" + +"That won't prevent your holding a rifle," interrupted Colonel +severely. + +"Then," I continued, "sometimes I have a headache." + +"Ah," said Major, "and I suppose when you run uphill your heart +palpitates like a pea in a drum?" + +"Yes," I replied quickly, "it does do that. How did you know?" + +Major laughed a laugh such as HINDENBURG himself might have delivered. +It was cold and mirthless and must have hurt his face. + +"Come," said Colonel sharply, "let's have no more of this humbug. +Drink and smoke less and keep yourself fit; and don't come whining +before us, complaining of this and that. A few route marches will soon +set you up." + +"But, seriously," I objected, "my health is not of the best and I +feel I ought to warn you that there are slight disabilities in my +constitution which----" + +"Which make you," interjected Major, "of course unfit to do your +duty." His voice was like steel wire and I hated him. + +"Very well, then," I answered calmly, "I will say no more." + +"You'd better not," roared Colonel. "It's no use your thinking you +can impose on us. I've marked you down A1. I'm sick to death of +you fellows who try to get behind a doctor directly your comfort is +threatened. That disposes of _your_ case. About--turn!" + +Mechanically I left their presence.... + +I don't know what the Insurance Company will make of it when they find +all their candidates passed as first-class lives. Somebody ought to +tell these doctors that the War is over. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER POST-OFFICE HOLD-UP. + +Our post-office is to be found taking cover in one corner of the +village's general shop. Poetically it may be described as between the +lard and the lingerie. In prose the most interesting thing to be said +of it is that I was there this morning. + +It was while I was buying a box of matches that the thought came to me +that I might as well enjoy myself thoroughly and have some stamps as +well. There was quite a crowd in the shop at the time, and we both +moved to the postal counter together. She, however, got in the first +word. + +"One stamp, please," she demanded, and went on, "You'll never guess +what I want it for." + +"Isn't it for a letter, then?" asked the post-mistress, as if, for +instance, stamps might be used for holding down the butter while the +bread is rubbed against it. + +"Yes, but who to? That's the point. Our George!" + +To me there did not seem much in this to cause a sensation, but it +did. Question and answer flew backwards and forwards as thick as +reminiscences at a regimental dinner. + +"Not young George?" + +"Yes, old George. We had a letter from him last week. First we'd heard +for six years." + +"Lordy, lordy," said the post-mistress, "it only seems yesterday that +he went away. I remember----" and she proved it by doing so for ten +minutes with a volubility that would have made the fortune of a patter +comedian. At the first sign of a pause I found the courage to ask for +my stamps, but quite in vain. The conversation was only getting its +second wind. + +"Young George, to be sure! And how is he? Tell me all about him." + +I gathered that George was in the best of health and in America, was +unmarried and umpired out in a recent baseball match and wanted----" +["A dozen stamps, please." This from me.] a photograph of the old +people and his brothers and sisters. From this the transition was +easy to an uncle of the post-mistress's who went----" ["A dozen +stamps."]--to foreign parts. He always was a rolling stone, he was. +Never gathered no moss. On the other hand, there were no flies on him. +Did very well for himself, he did, and when he died----" + +But it was at this point that the moisture from the margarine cask +against which I had been leaning began to make its presence felt, and, +stampless, I left the shop. + +At the edge of the village I met our policeman. + +"Go quickly," I implored him; "there's a hold-up at the post-office." + +Perhaps "quickly" is not quite the right word, but, at any rate, he +went. I doubt if he will get promotion over the job, but I am sure he +too will like to hear about our George, if there's anything left to +say by the time he gets there. + + * * * * * + +SOMETIMES. + + Some days are fairy days. The minute that you wake + You have a magic feeling that you never could mistake; + You may not see the fairies, but you know they're all about, + And any single minute they might all come popping out; + You want to laugh, you want to sing, you want to dance and run, + Everything is different, everything is fun; + The sky is full of fairy clouds, the streets are fairy ways-- + _Anything_ might happen on truly fairy days. + + Some nights are fairy nights. Before you go to bed + You hear their darling music go chiming in your head; + You look into the garden and through the misty grey + You see the trees all waiting in a breathless kind of way. + All the stars are smiling; they know that very soon + The fairies will come singing from the land behind the moon. + If only you could keep awake when Nurse puts out the light . . . + _Anything_ might happen on a truly fairy night. + + R. F. + + * * * * * + +"CRICKET. + +Little Snoring Ladies _v._ Little Snoring Lads."--_Local Paper._ + +This match was played in Norfolk and not, as you might have expected, +in Beds. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BROTHERHOOD OF MUSIC.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CAST. + +_Ghillie._ "AY, SIR, THE FUSHERS ARE NO WHAT THEY WERE. YE'LL MAYBE NO +BELIEVE ME, BUT THERE WAS A MAN HERE LAST MONTH THAT HAD NAETHING BUT +A SUP O' COLD TEA IN HIS FLASK TO WET A FUSH WHEN HE CAUGHT YIN!"] + + * * * * * + +THE PARADISE OF BARDS. + +(_From an Oxford Correspondent._) + +Considerable resentment has been caused in various centres of poetic +activity by the preference recently expressed by the PRIME MINISTER +for the products of Welsh minstrelsy. In a letter addressed to HUW +MENAI, the working South Wales miner poet, Mr. LLOYD GEORGE declares +that he has read his poems with the "greatest delight." If the PREMIER +had merely said "great delight" no untoward consequences would have +ensued, but the invidious use of the superlative threatens to embroil +the whole country in that internecine war recently predicted by +the Editor of _The Athenæum_ in his gloomy survey of Neo-Georgian +literature. + +Meetings of protest have been held in Hampstead, at Letchworth, +Stratford-on-Avon and the Eustace Miles Restaurant, but the most +remarkable and orderly of these demonstrations was that which took +place at Boar's Hill on Saturday last, under the presidency of the +POET LAUREATE. Boar's Hill, we need not remind our readers, is _par +excellence_ the fashionable intellectual suburb of Oxford, and has +been called the "Paradise of Bards." Dr. BRIDGES in a brief opening +address, speaking more in sorrow than in anger, dealt with the +statistical side of the question. He pointed out that of the residents +at Boar's Hill one in every six was a true poet, and three out of +every five were masters of the art of prosody. There were no miner +poets on Boar's Hill. Their motto was _Majora canamus_. + +Professor GILBERT MURRAY, who followed, laid stress on the perfect +harmony which reigned amongst the residents, in spite of the fact +that all schools of poetry were represented, from the austerest of +classicists to the most advanced exponents of Neo-Georgian _vers +libre_. They were a happy family, linked together by a common devotion +to the Muses, and in their daily output of verse showing a higher +unit of production than that recorded of any other community in either +hemisphere. + +Mr. JOHN MASEFIELD moved the only resolution, which was carried +unanimously, to the effect that Mr. FISHER, the Minister of Education, +should be requested to convey to the PRIME MINISTER the regret of the +meeting that he should have overlooked the paramount claim of Boar's +Hill to be regarded as the Parnassus of Great Britain. In _Murray's +Guide to Oxfordshire_ it had been spoken of as "a health resort for +jaded students," but that was an obsolete libel. Constitutionally +vigorous and daily refreshed by draughts from the pellucid springs +of the Pierides, they led a life of exuberant health, as the vital +statistics of the neighbourhood would abundantly show. On Boar's Hill +people began to write poetry earlier and continued to do so later than +in any other spot in the British Isles. + +Sir ARTHUR EVANS, in proposing a vote of thanks to the Chairman, made +the gratifying announcement that Mr. MASEFIELD was already engaged on +a companion poem to his "Reynard the Fox," commemorating the _genius +loci_ under the inspiring title of "The Sticking of the Pig." + + * * * * * + +A Very Free Translation. + +"'Have you come to make peace?' + +'_Nous verrons pour cela_ ('That is what we have come for),' replied +Krassin at once." + +_Daily Paper._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Martha_ (_to ancient spouse, who has narrowly escaped +being run over by passing car_). "AN' SERVE YER RIGHT TOO IF IT 'AD +A-KNOCKED YER. YER DU GO RACIN' A'EAD--NO SENSE."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Recent developments have given an unexpectedly topical interest to a +new book by Professor PAUL MILIUKOV, L.L.D., entitled _Bolshevism: an +International Danger_ (ALLEN AND UNWIN). The whole question of the _de +facto_ Government of Russia is so fiercely controversial that it is +not to be expected that such a work should escape violent criticism +from those for whom that Government can do no wrong, though the writer +justly claims that (however obvious his own views) he has striven to +be strictly fair to those of the enemy. The scheme of his work has +been "to trace the evolution of Bolshevism from an abstract doctrine +to a practical experiment." One may excusably find the history a grim +and menacing one. In the course of it Professor MILIUKOV tells again +the tragedy of the great betrayal (which it will do no one harm to +ponder upon just now), when the Commander of the 1st corps of the +Siberian Army reported: "A brilliant success crowned our efforts ... +there remained before us only a few fortifications, and the battle +might soon have taken the character of a complete destruction of the +enemy." But the work of M. LENIN had been too thorough; instead of a +victory that might have ended the War and saved thousands of lives, we +saw this already triumphant army, equipped through British industry, +melt into a disorganised rabble. Nor is the writer less interesting +on other aspects of his theme; in particular an exposition of the +notorious Third International and a survey of the present-moment +activities of Bolshevist propaganda, notably in our own country. No +one who wishes to read and keep for reference a clearly written and +understandable survey of the most urgent problem in modern politics +need go further than this short but highly concentrated study. + + * * * * * + +_The March to Paris and the Battle of the Marne, 1914_ (ARNOLD), by +Generaloberst ALEXANDER VON KLUCK, is more of a soldiers', indeed a +staff-officers', book than any that has appeared here from the other +side. It deals exclusively with the operations of the German right +wing, VON KLUCK'S own (first) army and his _liaison_ with the second +(VON BÜLOW'S), during the move forward to the Grand Morin, the allied +counter-offensive and the establishment of the line of the Aisne--that +is from the twelfth of August to the twelfth of September. The +principal army orders are given textually. An admirable map +illustrates each day's routes and billets for his first line and +second line troops, his cavalry and the extreme right of the second +army. VON KLUCK'S explanation of his breach of the Supreme Command's +orders and the manoeuvre which exposed him to MANOURY'S stroke was +that, while ignoring the letter, he was acting in the spirit of those +orders on the information available; that a pause to fulfil them +literally would have given the enemy time to recover; that defective +intelligence kept him ignorant of the fact that the German left and +centre had been definitely held by the French (if he had known this +he would not, he says, have crossed the Marne). An examination of the +frontispiece portrait suggests that this fighting General would +easily find excellent reason for disobeying other people's orders and +maintain an obstinate defence of his own decisions once made, however +disastrous in result. Notes by the historical section (military +branch) of the Committee of Imperial Defence point out inaccuracies +and contradictions which the lay reader would be unlikely to discover +for himself. He will however, if I mistake not, appreciate a soldierly +narrative, unspoiled by "political" parentheses or underestimation of +opponents, of what was undoubtedly a great military feat. The German +right wing covered the most ground and met perhaps the toughest of the +fighting. + + * * * * * + +I have found in _Lighting-up Time_ (COBDEN-SANDERSON) that all too +rare thing, a theatrical novel of which the vitality does not expire +towards the end of the fourth chapter. Obviously Mr. IVOR BROWN knows +the life of modern stageland, one would say, with the intimacy of +personal experience. More important still, he commands an easy style +and a flow of genial, not too esoteric, humour that combine to keep +the reader chuckling and curious to the last page. His title is +characteristic, _Lighting-up Time_ symbolising here that period in +the career of an actress when her possibly waning attractions need the +illumination of a judicious boom. The two main characters are +_Mary Maroon_, the leading lady, and _Peter Penruddock_, the astute +publicity agent who engages to set her upon her financial and artistic +pedestal. _Peter_, in other words, is _Mary's_ tide, taken at the +flood in chapter one, and leading her, very divertingly, on to +fortune. Both the tour of _Stolen or Strayed_ and the company that +present it are admirably true to life, while Mr. BROWN has even been +able convincingly to suggest the atmosphere of theatrical Oxford, when +in due course his mummers descend upon that home of lost comedies and +impossible revues. If I have a complaint against the book it is that a +tale of such pleasant irony hardly needed the general pairing-off with +which the author rings down his curtain; but for this Noah's Ark +I should have more easily believed in a story that entertained me +throughout. + + * * * * * + +There are some forty-odd bits in _A Bit at a Time_ (MILLS AND BOON), +and they embrace a variety of subjects, ranging from crocuses in +Kensington Gardens to corpse-boats on the Tigris. They are all, +whether sentimental, satirical or pathetic, fiction of the lightest +type. Such literature was eminently readable during the War--most +of Mr. DION CLAYTON CALTHROP'S bits have to do with somebody's +"bit"--when a touch of conventional pathos and pretended cynicism +and a generous padding of humour, real or forced, provided sufficient +relaxation from the strain of anxious hours. But the wisdom of +republishing them in book form in these sober days of peace is open to +question. When Mr. CALTHROP talks satirically of "perfect officials" +or of an earnest young American aviator who writes letters home in +a United States dialect that was never heard on land or sea outside +Bayswater, or of the war-time adventures of one _Mr. Mason_, skipper, +and _Mr. Smith_, his mate, he is tolerably amusing. When he becomes +serious, as in "The Prayer of the Classical Parson" and "When the Son +Came Home," his limitations become increasingly apparent. Yet it is +in this vein that he gives us what is by all odds his best bit, "The +Chevalier of Carnaby Row." When he writes of Cupids and fauns and +Columbines and rose-leaves and the sort of young females that find +this environment congenial (in books) I like Mr. CALTHROP least. +Perhaps it is because the publishers have put his picture on the paper +cover. He looks much too stalwart and sophisticated to be toying with +such gossamer fantasies. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LIFE'S LITTLE ANOMALIES. + +HOW MANY THOUSANDS OF POUNDS HAVE BEEN OFFERED TO CARPENTER AND +DEMPSEY TO FIGHT, AND NOW HERE IS A KIND OLD LADY GIVING TWO BOYS +SIXPENCE EACH IF THEY'LL PROMISE _NOT_ TO.] + + * * * * * + +I doubt whether the complications which attend the devolution of dead +men's property were created for the confusion of survivors or for the +convenience of novelists. In the case of _The Lost Mr. Linthwaite_ +(HODDER AND STOUGHTON), _Mrs. Byfield_ had married _Mr. Byfield_, or +at least she thought she had, and _Mr. Byfield_ had died, supposedly +intestate. Previously _Mrs. Byfield_ had married _Mr. Melsome_, or +again she thought she had, and _Mr. Melsome_ had disappeared and was +assumed to be dead, leaving nothing behind him except a brother as +vile as himself. The following discoveries were made by her in due +sequence: That _Mr. Melsome_ was not dead and that therefore she was +not _Mrs. Byfield_ but _Mrs. Melsome_; that _Mr. Melsome_ was already +married when he purported to marry her, and that therefore she was not +_Mrs. Melsome_ but _Mrs. Byfield_; and that a solicitor's clerk was +absconding with the bulk of the _Byfield_ estate, which, of course, +was what the bother was all about. Her son, bitten with the craze for +discoveries, then discovered on his own that the late _Mr. Byfield_ +hadn't died intestate. I wonder myself if he ever really died at +all.... These are what Mr. J. S. FLETCHER very aptly calls the mere +legalities; the plot, which thickens and thickens from first page to +last, concerns the handling of them by the evil but talented _Melsome_ +brothers, the accidental intervention of _Mr. Linthwaite_, and the +rescue work of his admirable nephew, _Mr. Richard Brixey_, of _The +Morning Sentinel_. Mr. FLETCHER tells his story well, but up to the +very last moment I was looking and hoping for a surprise and was +suspecting those legalities of being a deception invented to make +the surprise all the greater. A first-class adventure, in my opinion +spoilt by the sacrifice of originality to technicality. + + * * * * * + + "The girls, to the number of 116, escaped in their night + attire, and displayed great coolness."--_News of the World._ + +Very natural. + + * * * * * + + "Baron Evence Coppee, a Belgian, has been arrested on + the charge of furnishing coal to the enemy during the + war."--_Daily Paper._ + +With a name like that the copper could hardly miss him. + + * * * * * + + "Sir Robert is now satisfied, I understand, that there + is considerable merit in the adage 'all comes to he who + waits.'"--_Daily Paper._ + +SIR ROBERT seems easily pleased. + + * * * * * + + "ORCHESTRA (small), or few Instrumentalists, for sea-handling + Margarine and Butter in up-to-date style."--_Advt. in + Provincial Paper._ + +But we fear that some of the stuff met with nowadays would "beat the +band." + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +158, June 16, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 32080-8.txt or 32080-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/2/0/8/32080/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Lesley Halamek, +Jonathan Ingram and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, June 16, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: April 21, 2010 [EBook #32080] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Lesley Halamek, +Jonathan Ingram and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page461" id="page461"></a>[pg 461]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h1>Punch,</h1> + +<h2>or the London Charivari</h2> + +<h2>Volume 158, Jan-Jul 1920</h2> + +<h2>June 16, 1920</h2> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + +<p>"The Bolshevists," says a gossip +writer, "do not always rob Peter to +pay Paul." No, they sometimes just +rob Peter.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A Yarmouth report anticipates a +shortage of herrings. It is said that +the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> has a couple of +second-hand red ones for disposal which +have only been drawn across the path +once or twice.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"One of the Kaiser's mugs," says a +news item, "has just been sold +in New York for forty pounds." +We have suspected for some +time that he was a double-faced +fellow.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"There should be no temptations +to crime in so beautiful +a spot," said Mr. Justice <span class="sc">Coleridge</span> +when presented with +white gloves at the Anglesey +assizes. The sentiment is +thought to be as old as <span class="sc">Adam</span>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"If it is necessary to +strengthen the hands of the +military in Ireland," said Mr. +<span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>, "the Government +will certainly do so." +Our own view is that they +should be protected even if it +means sending the Reserve of +Special Constables to do it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>According to the Ministry of +Transport, there is only one +motor-car to every one hundred +and twenty people in Great +Britain. The necessity of fixing +a maximum bag of pedestrians +per car does not therefore +arise.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A purple-eyed fish, eleven +feet long, with a horn on its +nose and no teeth, has been +caught at San Diego, California. That +is the sort of thing that makes Prohibition +a secondary issue.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>As the result of some remarks let +drop by the crew and repeated by the +ship's parrot, several hundred bottles +of liquor were found on board the +<i>S.S. Curaçao</i> by the San Francisco port +authorities. It is now suggested, in +the interests of philology, that the +parrot should be put back to hear how +the crew takes it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A young man while fishing on the +Wye landed a wallet containing twenty-two +one-pound Treasury notes. A correspondent +writing from North of the +Tweed inquires what bait the fellow +was using.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The <span class="sc">Postmaster-General</span> points out +that five hundred new telephones are +to be erected in rural districts. Local +residents should at least be grateful for +this little friendly warning.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>It is reported that <span class="sc">M. Krassin</span> told +the <span class="sc">Premier</span> all about Russia. Mr. +<span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> was very interested, as +he had often heard of the place.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>With the letter postage at twopence, +we read, it is in many cases just as +cheap to telephone. And in some cases +just as quick.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Will Wilde meet Beckett?" asks a +headline. We can only say that we do +not intend to stand in their way.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>General <span class="sc">von Kluck</span> has been telling +somebody that he lost the battle of the +Marne by a fluke. As we can't have +the War over again we must let the +matter remain at that.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>According to an evening paper a +temperance speaker fainted during a +procession in a Kentish town, and was +immediately carried into a shop and +brought round by whisky. The report +that on being informed of this fact he +again went off into a faint is happily +without foundation.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A man aged seventy-six was charged +last week with threatening to shoot a +West-End family of six. It is said that +his parents intend to plead the baneful +influence of the cinema.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The fact that at least seven people +have expressed their intention of swimming +the English Channel this year +draws attention once more to the lack +of accommodation on our cross-Channel +steamers.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A wheelbarrow has been +presented to the parishioners +of Hornchurch, Essex. We +have maintained all along that +the motor-car craze would +wear itself out in time.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>On April the 21st the Maharajah +of <span class="sc">Bikanir</span> shot his hundredth +tiger. All efforts to induce +him to join the R.I.C. +have so far failed.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The case is reported of a +hen which lays an egg each +morning on her master's bed +and then pecks his cheek to +wake him up at the proper +time for breakfast. Guess +where this happens. America? +Right.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>We understand that in view +of the paper shortage the West +Drayton man who managed +to get through on the telephone +last week has abandoned +the idea of writing a book +about it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Much annoyance is said to +have been caused to one bricklayer +last week. It seems that +just before the dinner hour somebody +kicked away the brick he had laid and +the unfortunate fellow had to start the +day all over again.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>According to <i>The Manila Bulletin</i> +the cost of living is going to fall. Not +on us, we trust.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/461-800.png"><img src="images/461-360.png" width="360" height="463" alt="'Arriet. 'Lumme! It'll git the place a bad name.'" /></a> +<p><i>'Arry.</i> "<span class="sc">They're talkin' abaht doin' Greek plays an' +pageants an' all sorts o' loopy stunts at 'Ampstead on +Bank 'Olidays.</span>"</p> + +<p><i>'Arriet.</i> "<span class="sc">Lumme! It'll git the place a bad name.</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h4>The Hire Education.</h4> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +"Required, an Assistant Teacher (Lady), +with option of purchase."—<i>Australian Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<h4>"Ex-Soldier's Tale.</h4> + +<p class="center1"> +<span class="sc">Note to War Prisoner Hidden in Cheese.</span>" +</p> + +<p class="author1"><i>National News.</i></p> + +<p class="ind2">We should like to hear more of the +prisoner and his novel hiding-place.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page462" id="page462"></a>[pg 462]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>MAY-WEEK.</h3> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +[Addressed affectionately to the author of "May-Week Then and +Now" in <i>The Times</i> of last Wednesday.] +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Though forty years have done their worst</p> +<p class="i2">To change us to the sere and brown,</p> +<p>Since we in verdant freshness first</p> +<p class="i2">Assumed the triple-chevroned gown,</p> +<p>As I perused <i>The Times</i> this very day week</p> +<p class="i2">Your statement thrilled me through and through—</p> +<p>How people still go gathering nuts in May-week</p> +<p class="i10">Much as they used to do.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The courts their dun-grey habit keep,</p> +<p class="i2">Their velvet-green the sacred lawns;</p> +<p>The rooks that marred our matin sleep</p> +<p class="i2">Still devastate the golden dawns;</p> +<p>Beneath my westward windows still the same bridge</p> +<p class="i2">Sags in the centre as of old;</p> +<p>In fact, in all essential matters Cambridge</p> +<p class="i10">Preserves its ancient mould.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Slight innovations have occurred</p> +<p class="i2">That rudely on your senses strike;</p> +<p>Our innocence had never heard</p> +<p class="i2">The hooting of the motor-bike;</p> +<p>And though you might approve, with your rich tresses,</p> +<p class="i2">The vogue of leaving off your hat,</p> +<p>I with a crust that loathes the wind's caresses—</p> +<p class="i10">I should revolt at that.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But for the rest there's little strange;</p> +<p class="i2">Still Cam pursues his torpid way;</p> +<p>'Tis we alone who suffer change</p> +<p class="i2">(I could not stick the course to-day);</p> +<p>New generations lash the same old river,</p> +<p class="i2">Spurt up the Long Reach, bump and sup;</p> +<p>What if we pass, through weight of years or liver?</p> +<p class="i10">Somebody keeps it up.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Time may have weaned us long ago</p> +<p class="i2">With even sterner heights to win</p> +<p>Than when the once resilient toe</p> +<p class="i2">Was apt to dance the daylight in;</p> +<p>No doubt we've grown in wisdom since we started,</p> +<p class="i2">But I would give my head (with brain)</p> +<p>Just to be back there, young and agile-hearted,</p> +<p class="i10">Just for one June again.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i28">O. S.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>AUTHORSHIP FOR ALL.</h3> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +[In this series Mr. Punch presents a few specimens of the work of +his newly-established Literary Ghost Bureau, which supplies appropriate +Press contributions on any subject and over any signature. +Terms and simple self-measurement form on application.] +</p></blockquote> + +<h4>I.—<span class="sc">The Responsibilities of Genius.</span></h4> + +<h4><i>By Miss Dinkie Devereux, the renowned Film Favourite.</i></h4> + +<p>The Editor of <i>The Weekly Newsbag</i> has kindly asked me +to write an article on the duty which we denizens of Flickerland +owe to the public. This, it happens, is a subject that +has long given me "furiously to think," as a witty Frenchman +once said in French. It may be of interest, by the +way, to state that I am myself partly of Gallic extraction, +my mother having been a Lyons girl before she was enabled +to open a tea-shop of her own; and, although born +and bred in what I am proud to call my native country, I +can even now act just as fluently in a French film as in an +all-British production.</p> + +<p>But I must not let my thoughts run away with my pen, +fascinating though such cross-country excursions may be. +To return to my appointed topic, heavy indeed is the burden +that is laid on the back of a cinema star. You who know +me only as the reigning queen of countless Palaces may possibly +imagine that my life is spent in flitting butterfly-fashion +from film to film, existing only for the golden +moment. But one is not born a butterfly, nor does one +remain so without constant effort. The strenuous nature of +my labours indeed necessitates frequent periods of recuperation, +which I seek either in my Highland fastness, or +on my Californian peach-farm, or amid the lotus-bushes of +my villa on the Riviera. This, then, is one of my first duties +to the public—to preserve that Heaven-sent talent which, +in the words of mighty <span class="sc">Milton</span>, "is death to hide." (<span class="sc">Milton</span>, +I may say, is my favourite poet next to <span class="sc">George R. +Sims</span>, and "Odont" is my favourite mouth-wash.)</p> + +<p>But the intervals between pictures are not all play. When +I receive notice of a forthcoming production in which my +services are entreated (and I owe it to humanity not to refuse +my co-operation provided certain bothersome preliminaries +of a financial nature are successfully negotiated), I +spend a considerable time steeping myself in the atmosphere +of the part I am to fill. One of my most famous +<i>rôles</i>, as I need hardly mention, is that of <i>Lilian the Lift-Girl</i>, +in the great Solomonson six-reeler, <i>Ups and Downs</i>. +In order to prepare for this momentous undertaking I used +to visit Whiteridge's Stores daily and devote an hour or so +to travelling in the elevators; only thus could I hope to +attain the proper perspective. The attendants of course +knew me well and used to ply me with gifts of chocolates, +etc.; but after a time I was compelled to refuse these +touching offerings because my chauffeur has a tendency +to biliousness.</p> + +<p>Then there is the sacred duty of looking after what my +Press agent is good enough to call my "unearthly charm." +I do not agree with the <i>dictum</i> that "we are as Heaven +made us," and I am sure no film enterprise could carry on +successfully on those lines. Of course you must have something +to work upon, and for the bare edifice of my beauty, +which in all humility I admit was raised by other hands than +mine, I claim no special praise. But I think I may justly +take credit for the structural alterations I have effected and +for the self-sacrificing labours I have willingly undergone +to maintain each of my features at its maximum efficiency; +to these the advertisement columns of the papers +bear constant testimony.</p> + +<p>(In passing let me observe that I have always found +Mrs. Phipps's Face-Fodder of invaluable assistance in +"that fierce light which beats upon the screen," as dear old +<span class="sc">Tennyson</span>—another great favourite of mine—so nearly said.)</p> + +<p>Naturally enough the public is always ravenous for information +concerning the minutest details of my life, and to +prevent disappointment in this respect I send the Press +a daily budget of my doings, entitled <i>Dinkie Day by Day</i>. +That is another burden I cheerfully shoulder, and by this +method my admirers are kept fully acquainted with what +I may call the real me—with the heart that beats beneath +the shadowed counterfeit. Nevertheless at times the most +absurd rumours get abroad. Recently, for example, I saw +it stated in quite a reputable organ that my favourite jam is +blackberry-and-apple; as a matter of fact I find all jams +ruinous to the figure, and as a tea-relish I usually limit +myself to the more ascetic bloater-paste, with salmon-and-shrimp +as an occasional variant.</p> + +<p>My pet hobby is collecting precious stones, and my +favourites among these are pearls and diamonds, especially +of the larger variety. Frequently admirers of my art who +know of this harmless foible are good enough to add to my +collection, and these spontaneous tributes are among the +compensations of a life dedicated at every moment of the +day to the public service.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page463" id="page463"></a>[pg 463]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><a href="images/463-1500.png"><img src="images/463-380.png" width="380" height="474" alt="DIRECT REACTION." /></a> +<h2>DIRECT REACTION.</h2> + +<h4><span class="sc">Labour Extremist.</span> "HE'S A BIT TOO QUICK ON THE REBOUND."</h4> + +<p>[Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> gave a very straight answer to the representative of +those members of the National Union of Railwaymen +who had refused to handle munitions intended for the defence of the Royal Irish +Constabulary against murderous attack.]</p></div> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page464" id="page464"></a>[pg 464]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/464-1500.png"><img src="images/464-600.png" width="600" height="453" alt="HOLIDAY GOLF." /></a> +<h3>HOLIDAY GOLF.</h3> + +<p><i>Landlady</i> (<i>showing apartments in the vicinity of famous links</i>). +"<span class="sc">Oh, you'll be quite comfortable here, Sir; you see, +we're used to golfers.</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>ANOTHER DOG DISPUTE.</h3> + +<p>As far as was revealed by the torn +remnants of posters adhering to Farmer +Pyke's barn, the only event of importance +in Little Spudsey since the +letting by auction of fifty-seven acres +of summer keeping in April, 1918, was +the Rural District Council Election in +March, 1920. Conspicuous mention +was made of Pyke, Cluttrel and Gedge, +Coalition Candidates, who had apparently +coalesced to crush one Winch, +Independent. I was endeavouring to +discover his fate when old William +Trimble doddered along.</p> + +<p>"Marnin', Mr. Lomax," he said; +"you be back at last?"</p> + +<p>I could not deny the fact.</p> + +<p>"There be only Hosea Bennett an' +George Riley to coom now, an' the toll'll +be complete."</p> + +<p>"Where are they now?" I asked.</p> + +<p>"George be in India, or leastways 'e +was, an' Hosea's at Cologny. They'm +both expected back by Saturday fortnit, +an' th' question which on 'em really +owns th' Yarkshire tarrier'll have to +be settled once an' for all. Yon election +hinged on it."</p> + +<p>"I'm afraid I've forgotten the details, +William," I confessed lamely.</p> + +<p>"You'll surely remember th' little +Yarkshire tarrier as strayed into th' +village in the summer o' '14," said +William. "Hosea claimed it as his'n +by right of hollering it first, but George +rackened him givin' it a bit o' bacon-rind +from 'is lunch med 'im th' rightful +owner. It stayed a few days wi' Hosea, +then George 'ticed it away, an' generally +it hung to the one as happened to have th' +biggest bone. Feeling ran high atween +them till, after the harvest 'ad bin got +in, Mr. Gedge, at The Chequers, axed +George what about j'ining up.</p> + +<p>"'What, an' give Hosea a free run +wi' th' tarrier?' said George. 'Not +blessed likely.'</p> + +<p>"Hosea for his part said 'e weren't +going to budge while th' village were +infested wi' dog-stealers; so Mr. +Gedge 'e says, 'Hand th' dog to me. +I'll howd it wi'out fear nor favour, an' +when you both cooms back we'll have +it properly arbitrated on.'</p> + +<p>"So Hosea j'ined the Infantry an' +George went into th' Yeomanry. There +was some friction when George first +coom on leave an' Mr. Gedge let 'im +have th' tarrier for a day's ratting. Th' +Bennett family said it were breaking +the agreement, but Mr. Gedge said it +were a patriotic duty to give th' lads a +bit of amusement when they came on +leave, an' 'e 'd undertake the Rileys 'ud +make no objection when Hosea coom +home. But it made a lot 'o coolness +atween th' families, an' when Hosea +were wounded in '15 the Bennettses as +good as said th' Rileys weren't no +better nor pro-Germans in not giving +up their claim to th' tarrier. Public +opinion were with Hosea at that time, +but it veered round to George when 'e +won th' Military Medal in '16.</p> + +<p>"However, George got orders to go East +in '17, an' Hosea had pretty frequent +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page465" id="page465"></a>[pg 465]</span> +leaves and were allus parading th' dog +outside the Rileys' cottage. About the +end o' '18 owd Ephraim Riley got tired +of it and went to see Mr. Gedge on th' +subject.</p> + +<p>"'Fair's fair,' he says, 'an' Hosea +ain't no right to be worming 'is way +into that dog's affections while George +can't get home.'</p> + +<p>"'There's summat in that,' said Mr. +Gedge; an' next time Hosea cooms +home 'e finds the dog in pound, so to +speak.</p> + +<p>"'Very good,' says he; 'I don't coom +home again till George is here.'</p> + +<p>"In th' spring of '19, 'bout the time +as the tarrier—which was getting owd +and cantankerous—bit Wilfred Browitt +in th' leg, we heerd that George weren't +likely to be back for a longish time, an' +Hosea wrote to say in that case he'd +take on in th' Army for another year. +Then we had mower excitement, for it +was said that Winch, a new-comer, had +put up for th' Council, an' it 'ud mean +an election. Fowks were so used to +Farmer Pyke an' Mr. Gedge and Mr. +Cluttrel setting that they rackened they +didn't need to be voted on, but would +go in automatic. However, there were +a meetin' in th' parish-room, an' when +Chairman axed if anyone 'ad any questions +Wilfred Browitt got up an' said:</p> + +<p>"'Who owns tarrier, Hosea Bennett +or George Riley?'</p> + +<p>"It were well known that Wilfred +were a mean-sperrited crittur as only +wanted to know from which one 'e 'd +be likely to get compensation for th' +bite on his leg. So Mr. Gedge 'e rose +an' answered:—</p> + +<p>"'It's well known Mr. Pyke nor Mr. +Cluttrel nor self can't say anything on +the matter, as it is sub-judish till th' +lads coom home.'</p> + +<p>"'What do you say, Mr. Winch?' +persisted Wilfred.</p> + +<p>"'I declare for George Riley,' said +Winch boldly, 'him being the first to +give it sustenance.'</p> + +<p>"There were a great sensation at that, +an' it showed the cunningness o' Winch. +He knew the Rileys were intermarried +wi' half th' village and all George's +relations 'ud be bound to vote for 'im +after he'd declared for them. And so +it proved, for, though th' Bennettses +rallied everyone they could for th' Coalitioners, +they weren't strong enough, an +Winch got in in place o' Mr. Cluttrel."</p> + +<p>"Still," I remarked, "the question of +ownership isn't settled."</p> + +<p>"No, that'll be settled Saturday fortnit. +It'll be a rare set-back for Winch +if the verdict goes to Hosea."</p> + +<p>"But in any case the terrier is sure +of a good home," I said.</p> + +<p>"Well, as to that," replied William, +"it were the principle o' the thing that +were at stake. When th' tarrier bit +Wilfred Browitt in '19 he chased it out +of th' village wi' his stick, an' nobody +ain't seen it since."</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;"><a href="images/465-1500.png"><img src="images/465-600.png" width="600" height="443" alt="'Don't lean on it, you silly ass! You'll have it down.'" /></a> +<p><i>Host</i> (<i>to guest, who is helping him to make a +pergola</i>). "<span class="sc">Don't lean on it, you silly ass! You'll have it down.</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>Our Modest Advertisers.</h3> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +"<span class="sc">To be Let.</span>—Charming Little Gentleman's +Pleasure Farm."—<i>Field.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +"A Northampton Corporation report states +that contractor's workmen have applied for +permission to work longer hours." +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author1"><i>Daily Chronicle.</i></p> + +<p class="ind2">We understand that the Labour Party +will at once order the Ministry of Health +to take steps to isolate these cases, and +that there is little danger of a spread +of the epidemic.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page466" id="page466"></a>[pg 466]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>A PRISCILLA DIALOGUE.</h3> + +<p>There is probably some way by which +a young female child can be led through +easy stages of Socratic dialogue to +the idea of ultimate truth in morals as +well as art. There is probably some +way of talking to such a child without +being badly scored off. But I do not +seem to have the gift. This is the more +unfortunate because the thing usually +happens before I have finished my +breakfast, and nothing is quite so damaging +to my self-esteem as to be soundly +snubbed in my own house before the +day's work has begun.</p> + +<p>Mind you I do not honestly believe +that my logic is at fault. I believe that +there is usually a flaw in the reasoning +of the child. But you cannot very well +say to an infant of three, "You are now +being guilty of an undistributed middle +or a <i>petitio elenchi</i> or whatever it is." +She would do what I have heard even +older women do in like circumstances. +She would change the subject at once. +Perhaps the <span class="sc">Montessori</span> system ... +But let us take a typical case.</p> + +<p>I found her sitting at a large table +by the dining-room window, in a high +chair that left her red shoes eighteen +inches from the ground, a complete +doll's tea service in front of her and a +small stuffed lamb on her right-hand +side. The tea-pot appeared to contain +real water and the sugar-basin real +sugar, and although she was supremely +busy watering and sugaring and rearranging +her cups and jugs and spoons +she greeted me with the composure of an +experienced <i>châtelaine</i>. Our conversation +went something like this:—</p> + +<p><i>She.</i> Will you have any cup of tea?</p> + +<p><i>I</i> (<i>having drunk a small cup of water +with a very little real sugar and a large +quantity of real grit in it</i>.) Thank you. +How delicious! But I must go and have +my breakfast now.</p> + +<p><i>She</i> (<i>taking no notice at all and offering +me a small fragment of moist toast</i>). +Will you have any piece of cake?</p> + +<p><i>I.</i> Thank you. What lovely plum-cake!</p> + +<p><i>She</i> (<i>with infinite scorn</i>). Ho! that +isn't <i>plum</i>-cake. There isn't any plums +in it. It's <i>choclat</i> cake.</p> + +<p><i>I</i> (<i>humiliated</i>). Oh, well, I don't +think I will have any more tea, thank +you.</p> + +<p><i>She</i> (<i>coldly</i>). I'm going to give my +lamb tea now.</p> + +<p>[<i>The method of giving tea to a lamb, +in case it is not generally known, +is to plaster the lamb's nose with +spoonfuls of sugar and then lick +off the sugar with one's tongue. +At least that is the way Priscilla +does it.</i>]</p> + +<p><i>I</i> (<i>reprovingly from the breakfast-table</i>.) +What a funny way to give your +lamb tea, Priscilla.</p> + +<p><i>She.</i> My lamb says he likes having +his tea like this. (<i>A longish pause.</i>) +Please will you draw me a picsher?</p> + +<p><i>I.</i> What kind of a picture?</p> + +<p><i>She.</i> A picsher of a house.</p> + +<p><i>I.</i> What kind of a house?</p> + +<p><i>She</i> (<i>in one long breath</i>). A purple +house with a yellow roof and blue +curtains and a green door and rose-trees +with red roses and hollyhocks and a +dear little pussy-cat and a motor-car +coming up the drive.</p> + +<p>[<i>This is executed in coloured crayons +with a rapidity born of hunger +and long practice, and passed to +the Hanging Committee for inspection.</i>]</p> + +<p><i>She</i> (<i>examining it critically</i>). Ho! +that isn't a <i>door</i>.</p> + +<p><i>I.</i> Yes, it is, Priscilla. It's a very nice +<i>door</i>.</p> + +<p><i>She.</i> It isn't a door. It hasn't any +knocker.</p> + +<p>[<i>After all, when</i> is <i>a door not a +door? I finish the joinery job +and carry on with my bacon.</i>]</p> + +<p><i>She</i> (<i>suddenly</i>). There isn't any sun.</p> + +<p>[<i>I sketch in the regulation pattern +of circular sun, with eyes, a nose +and a smile complete.</i>]</p> + +<p><i>She.</i> That isn't a sun. It hasn't any +hair.</p> + +<p><i>I.</i> The sun doesn't have any hair, +Priscilla.</p> + +<p><i>She</i> (<i>decisively</i>). Nurse has hair.</p> + +<p>[<i>This really seems unanswerable. +Having amended Phœbus Apollo +I start in with my marmalade. +After a lapse of a few minutes a +low hammering is heard from +somewhere on the floor at the far +side of the table.</i>]</p> + +<p><i>I.</i> Whatever are you doing, Priscilla?</p> + +<p><i>She.</i> Sooing my horse.</p> + +<p>[<i>She is discovered beating the +wheels of a grey wooden flat-backed +animal on a stand with +a hammer procured from heaven +alone knows where.</i>]</p> + +<p><i>I.</i> Well, don't hit him on the wheels, +anyhow. (<i>A pause, subdued noises and +a sigh.</i>) What are you doing now, +Priscilla?</p> + +<p><i>She.</i> Sooing him on his back.</p> + +<p><i>I.</i> Doesn't that hurt him?</p> + +<p><i>She.</i> It hurts him very much, but he +doesn't <i>say</i> anything.</p> + +<p>[<i>I come round to give veterinary +advice.</i>]</p> + +<p><i>I.</i> Don't you love your horse, Priscilla?</p> + +<p><i>She.</i> Yes, he's my friendly horse.</p> + +<p><i>I.</i> Well, don't bang him about like +that; all the paint's coming off him.</p> + +<p>[<i>The carpet is in fact bestrewn with +small flakes of grey paint from +the unhappy creature's flanks.</i>]</p> + +<p><i>She</i> (<i>derisively</i>). Ho! that isn't paint. +That's snorts.</p> + +<p><i>I</i> (<i>helplessly</i>). Whatever do you mean?</p> + +<p><i>She.</i> That's snorts. Snorts from his +mouf. White snorts.</p> + +<p><i>I.</i> But why is your horse snorting +from his mouth, Priscilla?</p> + +<p><i>She.</i> He's snorting from his mouf +because I'm sooing him on his back.</p> + +<p>Well, there you are, you know; what +is one going to do about it? There is a +sort of specious plausibility about these +replies after all; I am no farrier, but I +should think it quite likely that if you +shoed a cart-horse long enough on the +back with a large enough hammer he +<i>would</i> snort white snorts from his +mouth; and it's no use telling the girl +that she can't jump from realism to +romance in that disingenuous manner. +Besides she might start hammering the +wheels again. Or else she would say +that her horse <i>said</i> he was snorting, +and who am I to contradict a British +horse? I used to consider myself pretty +good at what are called back-answers +and I still believe that with a little +practice I could hold my own in Whitechapel +or the House of Commons, but +there are subtle transitions about Priscilla's +method of argument with which +only a Prime Minister could cope. It +carries too many guns for me. It +cramps my style.</p> + +<p class="author">V.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>A CORNISH COTTAGE.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Beside the clock two spaniels stand,</p> +<p class="i2">Two china spaniels golden-spotted;</p> +<p>On a lace d'oyley (contraband)</p> +<p class="i2">Beams a red-faced geranium (potted).</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Framed portraits rest on woollen mats,</p> +<p class="i2">Black-bearded smugglers with their spouses;</p> +<p>The gentlemen wear bowler hats,</p> +<p class="i2">The ladies sport their Sunday blouses.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Two pictures decorate the wall,</p> +<p class="i2">Vesuvius spouting sparks and ashes,</p> +<p>The brig <i>Calypso</i> in a squall,</p> +<p class="i2">Full-sailed despite the lightning flashes.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Without, the dark Atlantic flings</p> +<p class="i2">Against the cliff its booming surges,</p> +<p>And, as a shell, the snug room rings</p> +<p class="i2">With its reverberating dirges.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Against the door the night winds rave</p> +<p class="i2">Like outcast dogs, their lot deploring;</p> +<p>Triumphant over wind and wave</p> +<p class="i2">Rises my landlord's lusty snoring.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i28"><span class="sc">Patlander</span>.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +"There was one summer when he lived by +himself in a lonely old houseboat on the +Thames, from which he paddled himself ashore +every morning in a top-hat.—<i>Daily Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">The drawback to this kind of craft is +that it only accommodates a single skull.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page467" id="page467"></a>[pg 467]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><a href="images/467-1500.png"><img src="images/467-380.png" width="380" height="472" alt="MANNERS AND MODES." /></a> +<h3>MANNERS AND MODES.</h3> + +<p>MR. GILEAD P. BLOGGS (U.S.A.) ORDERS FOR HIS NEW DINING-ROOM AT PITTSBURGH A COLOSSAL +PICTURE REPRESENTING A HOSPITABLE SIDEBOARD, TO KEEP ALIVE HIS MEMORIES OF "WET" +AMERICA.</p></div> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page468" id="page468"></a>[pg 468]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/468-1500.png"><img src="images/468-600.png" width="600" height="445" alt="Accused (just dismissed). 'Many thanks! What should I have done without you?' Counsel. 'Oh, about six months.'" /></a> + +<p><i>Accused</i> (<i>just dismissed</i>). "<span class="sc">Many thanks! What should I have +done without you?</span>"</p> + +<p><i>Counsel.</i> "<span class="sc">Oh, about six months</span>."</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>LITTLE BITS OF LONDON.</h3> + +<h4><span class="sc">Billingsgate.</span></h4> + +<p>In order to see Billingsgate properly +in action it is necessary to get up at +half-past four and travel on the Underground +by the first train East, which +is an adventure in itself. The first +train East goes at three minutes past +five, and there are large numbers of +people who travel in it every day; by +Charing Cross it is almost crowded. +It is full of Bolshevists; and I do not +wonder. One sits with one's feet up +in a first-class carriage, clutching a +nice cheap workman's ticket and trying +hard to look as if, like the Bolshevists, +one did this every day.</p> + +<p>On arriving at the Monument Station +one walks briskly past the seductive +announcement that "<span class="sc">The Monument +is Now Open</span>," and plunges into a +world of fish. I have never been able +to understand why fish is so funny. On +the comic stage a casual reference to fish +is almost certain to provoke a shout of +laughter; in practice, and especially in +the mass, it is not so funny; it is like the +Government, an inexhaustible source of +humour at a distance, and in the flesh +extraordinarily dull.</p> + +<p>Over the small streets which surround +the market hangs a heavy pall +of fishy vapour. The streets are full +of carts; the carts are full of fish. The +houses in the streets are fish-dealers' +places, more or less full of fish. The +pavements are full of fish-porters, +carrying fish, smelling of fish. Fragments +of conversation are heard, all +about fish. Fish lie sadly in the gutters. +The scales of fish glitter on the pavements. +A little vigorous swimming +through the outlying fisheries brings +you to the actual market, which is even +more wonderful. Imagine a place like +Covent Garden, and nearly as big, but +entirely devoted to fish. In the place of +those enchanting perspectives of flower-stalls, +imagine enormous regiments of +fish-stalls, paraded in close order and +groaning with halibut and conger-eel, +with whiting and lobsters and huge +crabs. Round these stalls the wholesale +dealers wade ankle-deep in fish. +Steadily, maliciously, the great fish slide +off the stalls on to the floor; steadily +the dealers recover them and pile them +up on their small counters, or cast them +through the air on to other counters, or +fling them into baskets in rage or mortification +or sheer bravado.</p> + +<p>The dealers are men with business-faces, +in long white coats, surprisingly +clean. Every now and then they stop +throwing crabs into baskets or retrieving +halibut from the floor, and make +little entries in long note-books. I do +not know exactly what entries they +make, but I think they must all be in for +some competition, and are making notes +about their scores; one man I watched +had obviously just beaten the record +for halibut-recovery. He recovered so +many in about a minute that the tops of +his boots were just beginning to show. +When he had done that he made such +long notes in his book about it that +most of the halibut slid on to the floor +again while he was doing it. Then he +began all over again. But I expect he +won the prize.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile about a million fish-porters +are dashing up and down the +narrow avenues between the fish-stalls, +porting millions of boxes of fish. Nearly +all of them, I am glad to say, have been +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page469" id="page469"></a>[pg 469]</span> +in the army or have had a relative in +the army; for they are nearly all wearing +the full uniform of a company cook, +which needs no description. On their +heads they have a kind of india-rubber +hat, and on the india-rubber hat they +have a large box of fish weighing about +six stone—six <i>stone</i>, I tell you. This +box they handle as if it was a box of +cigars. They pick it up with a careless +gesture; they carry it as if it was a +slightly uncomfortable hat, and they +throw it down with another careless +gesture, usually on to another box of +fish; this explains why so many of +one's herrings appear to have been +maimed at sea.</p> + +<p>When they have finished throwing +the boxes about they too take out a +note-book and make notes about it all. +This, it seems, is to make sure that they +are paid something for throwing each +box about. I don't blame them. It +must be a hard life. Yet if I thought +I could pick up six stone of salmon and +plaice and throw it about I should sign +on at Billingsgate at once. It is true +they start work about five; but they stop +work, it seems, about ten, and they +earn a pound and over for that. Then +they can go home. Most of them, I +imagine, are stockbrokers during the +rest of the day.</p> + +<p>And they are a refined and gentlemanly +body of men. I hope the old +legend that the fish-porter of Billingsgate +expresses himself in terms too +forcible for the ordinary man is now +exploded; for it is a slander. In fact +it is a slander to call him a "porter;" +at least in these days I suppose it is +libellous to connect a man falsely with +the N.U.R., if only by verbal implication. +But, however that may be, I +here assert that the Billingsgate fish-porter +is a comparatively smooth and +courteous personage, and, considering +his constant association with fish in +bulk, I think it is wonderful.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width:400px;"><a href="images/469-1000.png"><img src="images/469-310.png" width="310" height="465" alt="'Either terbakker isn't wot it wos—or these 'ere toffs ain't.'" /></a> +<p><i>Connoisseur (smoking cigarette stump just thrown away by +passer-by)</i>. "<span class="sc">Either +terbakker isn't wot it wos—or these 'ere toffs ain't</span>."</p></div> + +<p>At the far end of the market is the +river Thames; and on the river Thames +there is a ship or two chockful of fish. +Fish-porters with a kind of <i>blasé</i> animation +run up and down a long gangway +to the ship with six-stone boxes of +fine fresh whiting on their heads. These +boxes they pile up on a chute (carefully +noting each box in their note-books), +after which an auctioneer auctions the +boxes. This is the really exciting part +of the show. The dealers or the dealers' +agents stand round in a hungry ring +and buy the boxes of fish as they slide +down the chute. The dealers seem to +detail a less cultured type of man for +this purpose, and few of the bidders +come up to the standard of refinement +of the fish-porters. But the auctioneer +understands them, and he knows all +their Christian names. He can tell at +a glance whether it is Mossy Isaacs or +Sam Isaacs. He is a very clever man.</p> + +<p>They stand round looking at the +boxes of fish, and when one of them +twitches the flesh of his nose or faintly +moves one of his eyelashes it means +that he has bought six stone of whiting +for thirty shillings. That is the only +kind of sign they give, and the visitor +will be wise not to catch the auctioneer's +eye, or blow his nose or do any overt +action like that, or he may find that he +has bought six stone of salmon and +halibut for forty-five shillings. At an +auction of fish it is true to say that a +nod is as good as a wink; in fact it is +worse.</p> + +<p>The dealers are silent motionless +men; but nobody else is. Everybody +else is dashing about and shouting as +loud as he can. As each box of fish is +sold the porters dash at it and shout at +it (of course in a very gentlemanly way) +and carry it off in all directions. It is +quite clear that nobody knows who has +bought it and where it is going. The +idea of the whole thing is to impress +the visitor with the mobility of fish, and +this object is successfully attained. No +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page470" id="page470"></a>[pg 470]</span> +doubt when the visitors have gone away +they settle down and decide definitely +whom the fish belongs to.</p> + +<p>It is now about half-past six. Fish +is still rushing in at one end from the +ship and is rushing in at the other +from the railway-vans. The porters are +throwing the fish at the dealers' stalls +(registering each hit in their note-books), +and the dealers are throwing it on to +the floor or throwing it at each other +or trying to throw it at a retailer, who +always puts on a haughty air and passes +on to the next stall, till he too gets entangled +in the game and finds that he +has bought twenty-four stone of whiting +at twopence a pound; then he throws +it at some more porters, and the porters +dash outside and throw it at the carts, +and the carts clatter away to Kensington, +and my wife buys a whiting at tenpence +a pound, and the circle of fish +organisation is complete.</p> + +<p>At about this point it is a good thing +to pass on to Covent Garden and buy +some flowers.</p> + +<p class="author">A. P. H.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/470-1500.png"><img src="images/470-600.png" width="600" height="367" alt="'Well, I've come about your telephone, Sir, which I understand from your letter to us has been completely out of working order since yesterday.'" /></a> +<p><i>Aspiring Solicitor</i> (<i>speaking in telephone with the idea +of impressing supposed client</i>). "<span class="sc">Yes, tell the Lord Chancellor I will +lunch with him, and shall be very happy to give him the benefit of my advice in +the matter his Lordship mentioned. +Good-bye. Now what can I do for you, Sir</span>?"</p> + +<p><i>Supposed Client.</i> "<span class="sc">Well, I've come about your telephone, Sir, which I +understand from your letter to us has been +completely out of working order since yesterday</span>."</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>A Record Crash.</h3> + +<p class="center">From "Sayings of the Week" in a +Sunday paper:—</p> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +"With the aerial world at our feet we are +making no effort to grasp it.—<i>G. Holt Thomas.</i>" +</p></blockquote> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>CAPUA.</h3> + +<p class="indrl">(<i>A Bolshevist's lament, designed to show +that though we may appear to be giving +way rather easily to the Russian Government +we have a deep purpose in +it all.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Silken ways and softer manners</p> +<p class="i2">Bend the barbarous victor down;</p> +<p>Woe unto the Soviet banners!</p> +<p class="i2"><span class="sc">M. Krassin</span> is in town.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Hark! the Lydian lute is thrumming</p> +<p class="i2">Roses fall about his feet;</p> +<p>He shall pardon each shortcoming,</p> +<p class="i2">Conqueror he shall taste defeat.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Puzzled, maybe slightly baffled,</p> +<p class="i2">He shall get to like it all,</p> +<p>Overlook the absent scaffold</p> +<p class="i2">At the windows of Whitehall.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Piccadilly, though it warps his</p> +<p class="i2">Sense of justice, he shall see</p> +<p>Unencumbered by the corpses</p> +<p class="i2">Of a bloated <i>bourgeoisie</i>;</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Quite forget the stern aspirants</p> +<p class="i2">To a nobler newer world;</p> +<p>Tread the Birdcage Walk with tyrants,</p> +<p class="i2">Have his hair by Bond Street curled;</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Lulled by scented airs and graces,</p> +<p class="i2">Feel the Scythian ardours fade;</p> +<p>Purchase underwear and braces</p> +<p class="i2">In the Burlington Arcade;</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Losing for a mess of pottage</p> +<p class="i2"><span class="sc">Trotsky's</span> wireless apothegms,</p> +<p>Take a little country cottage</p> +<p class="i2">And a houseboat on the Thames.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Oh to think that as he lingers</p> +<p class="i2">Hour by hour he needs must hook</p> +<p>Round imperial palms the fingers</p> +<p class="i2">Of a hand that <span class="sc">Lenin</span> shook.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Commerce like an iron girder</p> +<p class="i2">Props the new world and the old;</p> +<p>All men know the stains of murder</p> +<p class="i2">May be lightly washed with gold.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Ah, but when the bright-eyed vulture,</p> +<p class="i2">Fresh from feasting on the slain,</p> +<p>Learns the way of foreign culture</p> +<p class="i2">Shall his claws grow sharp again?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>So for him we weep, the Tartar</p> +<p class="i2">Blood-bedabbled to his wrists,</p> +<p>When his free soul sinks to barter</p> +<p class="i2">With abhorred capitalists.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Silken ways and softer manners</p> +<p class="i2">Bend the sturdiest victor down;</p> +<p>Woe unto the Soviet banners!</p> +<p class="i2"><span class="sc">M. Krassin</span> is in town.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i28"><span class="sc">Evoe</span>.</p> + </div> </div> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page471" id="page471"></a>[pg 471]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/471-1500.png"><img src="images/471-380.png" width="380" height="466" alt="AIR-CRAFTINESS" /></a> +<h2>AIR-CRAFTINESS</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">British Lion</span>. "HALLO! STARTED FLYING AGAIN ALREADY?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">German Eagle</span>. "OH, PURELY A COMMERCIAL FLUTTER."</p> + +<p><span class="sc">British Lion</span> (<i>to himself</i>). "I REMEMBER HEARING THAT SAME YARN +ABOUT THEIR NAVY. TIME I DEVELOPED <i>MY</i> WINGS AGAIN."</p> + +<p>["In Germany there are millions of men firmly determined to win back by the air +what they have lost by sea and on land." +<i>General Seeley.</i></p></div> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page473" id="page473"></a>[pg 473]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h3> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 300px;"><a href="images/473-a-640.png"><img src="images/473-a-300.png" width="300" height="436" alt="'MANY YEARS AGO.'" /></a> +"MANY YEARS AGO." + +<p><span class="sc"> Sir Eric Geddes at a Sunday School treat.</span></p></div> +<p><i>Monday, June 7th.</i>— "Has the right +hon. gentleman any experience of Sunday +School treats?" asked Mr. <span class="sc">Inskip</span> +after the <span class="sc">Minister of Transport</span> had +announced that the railway companies, +while conceding reduced fares for these +outings, could not extend the facilities +to more than one adult for every ten +children. Sir <span class="sc">Eric Geddes</span> admitted +that his experience was "many years +ago." There must have been "giants +in those days" among the Sunday +School teachers if one of them was able +to "moderate the transports" of ten +little <span class="sc">Erics</span>.</p> + +<p>The <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> had discarded +the jaunty grey suit which he wore last +week, and in his "blacks" looked rather +like a Scottish elder. Nevertheless, when +requested by Mr. <span class="sc">MacCallum Scott</span> to +interpret the articles of the "Auld Kirk" +he declined to rush in where Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar +Law</span> had feared to tread, and contented +himself with the remark that this was +"a very dangerous question for a mere +Southerner."</p> + +<p>The negotiations with <span class="sc">M. Krassin</span> +caused many inquiries. Mr. <span class="sc">William +Shaw</span>, for example, sought a guarantee +that the Bolshevists should not be allowed +to pay for the goods they might +now order with the stores that they +had seized from His Majesty's Government. +One is reminded of <span class="sc">Phil May's</span> +publican, who took the theft of his pewters +philosophically, +but was moved to +strong protest when +the thief brought them +back in the form of +bad half-crowns.</p> + +<p>Coalitionist anxiety +in regard to the <span class="sc">Prime +Minister's</span> flirtation +with the Soviet emissary +took shape in a +motion for the adjournment +moved by +Colonel <span class="sc">Gretton</span>, who +was shocked at the +idea of negotiating +with a Government +that depended on violence, +and seconded +by Admiral Sir <span class="sc">R. +Hall</span>, who doubted +whether there was +anything to be got out +of Russia. Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd +George</span> replied that, +according to the evidence +of anti-Bolshevist refugees, there +were quantities of grain and raw materials +awaiting export, while in regard +to the general question he poured much +rhetorical contempt on the argument +that we were never to trade with a +country that was misgoverned. What +about Turkey? What about Mexico? +"You cannot always examine the records +of your customers."</p> + +<p>Earlier in the day Sir A. <span class="sc">Griffith +Boscawen</span> had moved the Second +Reading of the Agriculture Bill with +so much vigour and enthusiasm that +one wondered why a Bill so vital to +the national well-being had not been introduced +a little earlier. Later speakers +were less friendly. Mr. <span class="sc">Acland</span> declared +that the measure was only necessary +because the Government could not +keep the country out of international +difficulties. Captain <span class="sc">Fitzroy</span> complained +that the Bill did too much for +the tenant-farmer; whereas Mr. <span class="sc">Cautley</span> +described it as the tenant-farmer's +death-knell.</p> + +<p><i>Tuesday, June 8th.</i>— The prevalent +belief that Mr. <span class="sc">Churchill</span> is always +spoiling for a fight, and is mainly responsible +for all the wars now going on +in various parts of the world, is, I am +ready to believe, entirely erroneous. +But there is no doubt of his desire to +"see red" so far as His Majesty's Army +is concerned. The report that the +Government intended to spend three +millions in putting our soldiers back +into the traditional scarlet inspired a +multitude of questions to the <span class="sc">War Secretary</span> +this afternoon. Mr. <span class="sc">Churchill</span> +declared it to be grossly exaggerated. +Nevertheless, in political circles it is +believed that at the next election the +Government can rely with confidence +upon the nurserymaids' vote.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/473-b-1000.png"><img src="images/473-b-600.png" width="600" height="406" alt="MR. CHURCHILL SEES RED." /></a> +<h3>MR. CHURCHILL SEES RED.</h3> +<p><span class="sc"> Army Uniform (1) as it is; (2) As it was before the war and will be +again; and (3) as to suit Mr. Churchill's Marlborough traditions, it +should have been</span>.</p></div> + +<p>In resisting the proposal to make +a levy on capital Mr. <span class="sc">Chamberlain</span> +covered the ground so exhaustively +that, as Sir <span class="sc">F. Banbury</span> subsequently +observed, the chief complaint to be +made of his speech was that it was not +delivered three months before, when it +would have saved the money-market +great anxiety and prevented much depreciation +of capital. For, according +to the <span class="sc">Chancellor of the Exchequer</span>, +a levy on war-wealth was never really +practicable, and even if it had been +would have had no effect upon the +amount of the floating +debt, his most pressing +problem. But, if +so, why not have said +it at the start, instead +of setting up a Committee +to try to find +a solution for the insoluble?</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Chamberlain's</span> +contention that by the +income-tax and super-tax +wealth was already +heavily conscripted +would have perhaps +been better left without +illustration. His +case of the gentleman +with £131,000 a +year, who after paying +his taxes had only +£42,500 to spend, left +Mr. <span class="sc">Stephen Walsh</span> +quite cold. Sir <span class="sc">Donald +Maclean</span>, by some +odd process of reasoning, +came to the conclusion that the +Government's decision would be welcomed +by all the enemies of capital, +and announced his intention of joining +the Labour Party in the Lobby.</p> + +<p><i>Wednesday, June 9th.</i>— The Air Navigation +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page474" id="page474"></a>[pg 474]</span> +Bill passed through the usually +serene atmosphere of the Upper House, +but not without encountering a certain +number of "bumps." Lord <span class="sc">Montagu</span>, +calling to mind the nursery saying, "if +pigs could fly," was alarmed by the +possibility that "air-hogs" might interfere +with the amenities, and might even +endanger the lives, of earth-bound citizens +by flying over them at unduly low +altitudes. He suggested two thousand +feet as a minimum. Lord <span class="sc">Londonderry</span> +resisted the Amendment on the ground +that it was difficult to gauge the height +at which aircraft flew, and thought few +airmen would care to risk the penalties +provided in the Bill—a fine of two hundred +pounds and six months' imprisonment—by +indulging a taste for forbidden +stunts.</p> + +<p>At first blush you would hardly think +it necessary to include the City Corporation +among the local authorities who +may establish aerodromes. The "one +square mile" does not offer much encouragement +to the airman who wishes +to make a safe landing. But you never +can tell what may happen. The "Old +Lady of Threadneedle Street," who is +said to be contemplating an upward extension +of her premises, may perhaps +welcome aeroplanes to her hospitable +roof, and thereby give a new significance +to "banking" in the aviator's vocabulary.</p> + +<p>In the Commons the anomalous position +produced by President <span class="sc">Wilson</span>'s +undertaking to delimit the boundaries +of Armenia, although his country has +refused to accept the mandate for its +administration, elicited from Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar +Law</span> the curious explanation that the +invitation to delimit was addressed to +Mr. <span class="sc">Wilson</span> "in his personal capacity." +But when Mr. <span class="sc">Bottomley</span> sought further +light on this phrase Mr. <span class="sc">Law</span> was +unable or unwilling to supply it. He +did, however, vouchsafe the information +that, whatever America might do, this +country would not add Armenia to its +existing share of "the white man's +burden."</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/474-1500.png"><img src="images/474-600.png" width="600" height="322" alt="'Delighted you were able to turn up! You don't mind our having started without you?'" /></a> +<p><i>Resourceful Spokesman of Picnic Party (anticipating +trouble).</i> <span class="sc">"Delighted you were able to turn up! You don't mind our +having started without you?"</span></p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p><i>Thursday, June 10th.</i>—It seems a +pity that since Count <span class="sc">de Salis</span> left +Montenegro and made his famous +secret report the British Government +has had no representative in that distracted +country. In the absence of +official information the most diverse +descriptions of its present state gain +currency. According to Lord <span class="sc">Sydenham</span> +the Serbians, who wish to incorporate +Montenegro in the new Jugo-Slavia, +are taking every step to intimidate +their opponents (described as ninety +per cent. of the population) and have +incidentally imprisoned a number of +ex-Ministers. Lord <span class="sc">Curzon</span> agreed +that this was quite probable, inasmuch +as ex-Ministers bore a considerable ratio +to the whole population, but otherwise +challenged Lord <span class="sc">Sydenham</span>'s allegations. +His own information (source +not named) was that the Montenegrin +majority was in favour of Yugo-Slav +union. The debate confirmed the impression +that all statements emanating +from the Black Mountain should be +taken <i>cum grano</i> <span class="sc">de Salis</span>.</p> + +<p>In the Commons Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span> +was taking a day off, and, as usually +happens when the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> is +in charge, "a certain liveliness" prevailed. +The renewed offensive of General +<span class="sc">Wrangel</span> incited the Bolshevist +sympathisers to start one on their own +account. An attempt to move the adjournment +was nipped in the bud by the +<span class="sc">Speaker</span>. Colonel <span class="sc">Wedgwood</span> made a +gallant effort to usurp the functions +of the Chair by declaring that the +matter was both definite and urgent; +but Mr. <span class="sc">Lowther</span> replied that unfortunately +the decision rested with him +and not with the hon. Member.</p> + +<p>The House then settled down to +business, and gave a Third Reading to +two Bills, and a Second Reading to +five others. On the Women, Young +Persons and Children (Employment) +Bill Mr. <span class="sc">Barnes</span> took exception, not +unnaturally, to a clause permitting "the +employment of women and young persons +in shifts up to ten o'clock at night," +and Major <span class="sc">Baird</span> undertook to consider +the withdrawal of this equivocal piece +of draftsmanship.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"'The time has come,' the walrus said,</p> +<p>'To speak of many things:</p> +<p>Of shoes and ships and sealing-wax,</p> +<p>Of cabbages and kings.'—(O. Henry)."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i28"><i>Free State Paper.</i></p> + </div> </div> + +<p class="ind">Where did <span class="sc">Lewis Carroll</span>? Apparently +not in the Free State.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page475" id="page475"></a>[pg 475]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 420px;"><a href="images/475-1000.png"><img src="images/475-300.png" width="300" height="407" alt="Curate (discussing the drink question). 'Mind you, I'm fond of a glass of beer. myself, but I can't indulge. It doesn't agree with me'" /></a> +<p><i>Curate</i> (<i>discussing the drink question</i>). "<span class="sc">Mind +you, I'm fond of a glass of beer. +myself, but I can't indulge. It doesn't agree with me</span>."</p> + +<p><i>Rustic</i> (<i>sympathetically</i>). "<span class="sc">Dear, dear! Ain't there no +cure?</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>THE FUTURE OF APSLEY HOUSE.</h3> + +<h4><span class="sc">Conflicting Statements.</span></h4> + +<p>The possibility of a super-dancing-saloon +being erected on the site of +Apsley House is, we fear, likely to be +relegated to the limbo of lost opportunities.</p> + +<p>It will be remembered that a few +weeks ago London in general and the +West-End in particular was excited and +delighted by the announcement that +Apsley House had been sold to an influential +syndicate and would shortly +be converted into a massive and +monumental block, forty storeys high, +crowned with the dancing-saloon and +including a concert-hall with the most +powerful organ in the world, and a +swimming-bath with salt water conveyed +by a special pipe from Brighton.</p> + +<p>It will also be remembered that Mr. +Chumpley Swope, the chairman of the +syndicate, issued a powerful manifesto +in which he explained the purely humanitarian +motives of the enterprise—to +obliterate the militaristic associations +of the site; to replace an unsightly +building by a fabric which would +be one of the architectural glories of +London, and simultaneously to cheer +the patients in St. George's Hospital +with the sounds of harmony by night.</p> + +<p>Unhappily the realisation of these +beneficent and artistic designs seems +likely to be indefinitely postponed, to +judge from the authoritative statements +made to our representative by Mr. +Doremus Pomerene, architect to the +owners, and by Mr. Chumpley Swope +himself.</p> + +<p>"There never was any idea," said +Mr. Pomerene, "in the minds of the +present owners, Mr. Otis Flather and +Mr. Virgil Onderdonk, of converting the +site of Apsley House to the uses of a +super-dancing-saloon. Mr. Flather is +a convinced opponent of the dancing +mania and President of the Anti-Tarantulation +League, while Mr. Onderdonk +has always been a profound admirer +of the great Duke of <span class="sc">Wellington</span>. +Subject to the approval of the present +Duke it is our intention to re-erect +Apsley House on the Playing Fields at +Eton, and utilise the site for the building +of flats for the New Poor."</p> + +<p>"The erection of a Neo-Georgian +super-dancing-saloon on the Piccadilly +frontage of Apsley House," said Mr. +Chumpley Swope, "has long been the +dearest dream of my heart. My first +negotiations with Messrs. Shumway +and Prudden were conducted for the +express purpose of facilitating the realisation +of this project. Moreover, when +Mr. Flather joined me in the purchase +of the entire site his representative, Mr. +Onderdonk, was fully aware of my +plans and expressed his cordial approval +thereof.</p> + +<p>"Eventually my friends and I accepted +offers made to us by Mr. Flather +whereby the entire site was vested +in him, subject to an agreement that +the Piccadilly frontage to a depth of +two hundred kilowatts should be reserved +for the erection of the dancing-saloon, +the concert-hall and the swimming-bath.</p> + +<p>"Owing however to the difficulties +connected with the laying of the pipe +from Brighton and the unaccountable +and irrational hostility displayed by the +Governing Body of St. George's Hospital +the plan of erecting this Temple +of Terpsichore has fallen into abeyance +and the West-End is threatened with +the loss of an educational asset of incomparable +value. I may add, however, +that negotiations have been opened with +the Dean and Chapter of <span class="sc">Westminster</span> +and that I do not altogether despair of +obtaining an alternative site and making +a fresh start with my plans for beautifying +and humanising London."</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h4>Limitations.</h4> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>There was a young lady of Clacton</p> +<p>Whose knowledge was wide and exact on</p> +<p class="i4">Jazz, jumpers and plays</p> +<p class="i4">And the cinema craze;</p> +<p>But she never had heard of Lord Acton.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +"'Obregon signed the flag as did others at +the convention,' said Villa. 'He kissed the +mlag, and cried as he kissed it. Then those +who wanted to break the agreement stole the +blag with the signatures of the delegates."</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author1"><i>American Paper.</i> +</p> + +<p class="ind2">This helps us a little to appreciate the +confusion of Mexican politics.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page476" id="page476"></a>[pg 476]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>PERSISTENCE OF THE MILITARY.</h3> + +<p>In pre-war days, when one's health was tested at the +order of a verbally polite but fundamentally distrustful insurance +company, the examination was a pleasant affair, +conducted by a benign old gentleman who behaved like +one's own family physician.</p> + +<p>Now all that is changed. I lately took the liberty of +offering to bet a Company that I would not live for ever, in +spite of my present rude health. In reply I was invited +"to meet our medical advisers at our office."</p> + +<p>I arrived obediently at the appointed time and was +ushered into a room in which sat behind a table two elderly +gentlemen of ultra-military appearance. When, later, they +addressed each other as "Colonel" and "Major" I knew +that they were civilian dug-outs militarised by the War.</p> + +<p>Colonel drew himself up and spoke to me in a C.O. voice: +"Well, what is the general state of your health?"</p> + +<p>I felt that it was up to me to play the old war-game, +even if it ruined my chance of getting insured. I therefore +started to enumerate the various minor ailments from which +I suffered.</p> + +<p>"To begin with," I explained, "I've sprained my wrist +rather badly and—"</p> + +<p>"That won't prevent your holding a rifle," interrupted +Colonel severely.</p> + +<p>"Then," I continued, "sometimes I have a headache."</p> + +<p>"Ah," said Major, "and I suppose when you run uphill +your heart palpitates like a pea in a drum?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," I replied quickly, "it does do that. How did you +know?"</p> + +<p>Major laughed a laugh such as <span class="sc">Hindenburg</span> himself +might have delivered. It was cold and mirthless and must +have hurt his face.</p> + +<p>"Come," said Colonel sharply, "let's have no more of +this humbug. Drink and smoke less and keep yourself fit; +and don't come whining before us, complaining of this and +that. A few route marches will soon set you up."</p> + +<p>"But, seriously," I objected, "my health is not of the +best and I feel I ought to warn you that there are slight +disabilities in my constitution which——"</p> + +<p>"Which make you," interjected Major, "of course unfit to +do your duty." His voice was like steel wire and I hated +him.</p> + +<p>"Very well, then," I answered calmly, "I will say no more."</p> + +<p>"You'd better not," roared Colonel. "It's no use your +thinking you can impose on us. I've marked you down +A1. I'm sick to death of you fellows who try to get behind +a doctor directly your comfort is threatened. That disposes +of <i>your</i> case. About—turn!"</p> + +<p>Mechanically I left their presence....</p> + +<p>I don't know what the Insurance Company will make +of it when they find all their candidates passed as first-class +lives. Somebody ought to tell these doctors that the War +is over.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>ANOTHER POST-OFFICE HOLD-UP.</h3> + +<p>Our post-office is to be found taking cover in one corner +of the village's general shop. Poetically it may be described +as between the lard and the lingerie. In prose the most +interesting thing to be said of it is that I was there this +morning.</p> + +<p>It was while I was buying a box of matches that the +thought came to me that I might as well enjoy myself +thoroughly and have some stamps as well. There was +quite a crowd in the shop at the time, and we both moved +to the postal counter together. She, however, got in the +first word.</p> + +<p>"One stamp, please," she demanded, and went on, "You'll +never guess what I want it for."</p> + +<p>"Isn't it for a letter, then?" asked the post-mistress, as +if, for instance, stamps might be used for holding down the +butter while the bread is rubbed against it.</p> + +<p>"Yes, but who to? That's the point. Our George!"</p> + +<p>To me there did not seem much in this to cause a sensation, +but it did. Question and answer flew backwards and +forwards as thick as reminiscences at a regimental dinner.</p> + +<p>"Not young George?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, old George. We had a letter from him last week. +First we'd heard for six years."</p> + +<p>"Lordy, lordy," said the post-mistress, "it only seems +yesterday that he went away. I remember——" and she +proved it by doing so for ten minutes with a volubility that +would have made the fortune of a patter comedian. At +the first sign of a pause I found the courage to ask for my +stamps, but quite in vain. The conversation was only +getting its second wind.</p> + +<p>"Young George, to be sure! And how is he? Tell me +all about him."</p> + +<p>I gathered that George was in the best of health and in +America, was unmarried and umpired out in a recent baseball +match and wanted——" ["A dozen stamps, please." +This from me.] a photograph of the old people and his +brothers and sisters. From this the transition was easy to +an uncle of the post-mistress's who went——" ["A dozen +stamps."]—to foreign parts. He always was a rolling stone, +he was. Never gathered no moss. On the other hand, there +were no flies on him. Did very well for himself, he did, and +when he died——"</p> + +<p>But it was at this point that the moisture from the +margarine cask against which I had been leaning began to +make its presence felt, and, stampless, I left the shop.</p> + +<p>At the edge of the village I met our policeman.</p> + +<p>"Go quickly," I implored him; "there's a hold-up at the +post-office."</p> + +<p>Perhaps "quickly" is not quite the right word, but, at +any rate, he went. I doubt if he will get promotion over +the job, but I am sure he too will like to hear about our +George, if there's anything left to say by the time he gets +there.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>SOMETIMES.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Some days are fairy days. The minute that you wake</p> +<p>You have a magic feeling that you never could mistake;</p> +<p>You may not see the fairies, but you know they're all about,</p> +<p>And any single minute they might all come popping out;</p> +<p>You want to laugh, you want to sing, you want to dance and run,</p> +<p>Everything is different, everything is fun;</p> +<p>The sky is full of fairy clouds, the streets are fairy ways—</p> +<p><i>Anything</i> might happen on truly fairy days.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Some nights are fairy nights. Before you go to bed</p> +<p>You hear their darling music go chiming in your head;</p> +<p>You look into the garden and through the misty grey</p> +<p>You see the trees all waiting in a breathless kind of way.</p> +<p>All the stars are smiling; they know that very soon</p> +<p>The fairies will come singing from the land behind the moon.</p> +<p>If only you could keep awake when Nurse puts out the light . . .</p> +<p><i>Anything</i> might happen on a truly fairy night.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i40">R. F.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h4>"CRICKET.</h4> + +<p class="center1">Little Snoring Ladies <i>v.</i> Little Snoring Lads.—<i>Local Paper.</i></p> + +<p class="ind2">This match was played in Norfolk and not, as you might +have expected, in Beds.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page477" id="page477"></a>[pg 477]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /><br style="line-height: 80%;" /> + +<table align="center" width="600" summary="cartoon" border="0" style="border-collapse: collapse;"> +<tr> + <td class="cartoon" valign="top"><a href="images/477-1500.png"><img src="images/477-a-1-200.png" width="200" height="168" alt="The Brotherhood of Music" border="0" /></a> + </td> + <td class="cartoon" valign="top"><a href="images/477-1500.png"><img src="images/477-a-2-200.png" width="200" height="168" alt="The Brotherhood of Music" border="0" /></a> + </td> + <td class="cartoon" valign="top"><a href="images/477-1500.png"><img src="images/477-a-3-200.png" width="200" height="168" alt="The Brotherhood of Music" border="0" /></a> + </td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="cartoon" valign="top"><a href="images/477-1500.png"><img src="images/477-b-1-200.png" width="200" height="168" alt="The Brotherhood of Music" border="0" /></a> + </td> + <td class="cartoon" valign="top"><a href="images/477-1500.png"><img src="images/477-b-2-200.png" width="200" height="168" alt="The Brotherhood of Music" border="0" /></a> + </td> + <td class="cartoon" valign="top"><a href="images/477-1500.png"><img src="images/477-b-3-200.png" width="200" height="168" alt="The Brotherhood of Music" border="0" /></a> + </td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="cartoon" valign="top"><a href="images/477-1500.png"><img src="images/477-c-1-200.png" width="200" height="168" alt="The Brotherhood of Music" border="0" /></a> + </td> + <td class="cartoon" valign="top"><a href="images/477-1500.png"><img src="images/477-c-2-200.png" width="200" height="168" alt="The Brotherhood of Music" border="0" /></a> + </td> + <td class="cartoon" valign="top"><a href="images/477-1500.png"><img src="images/477-c-3-200.png" width="200" height="168" alt="The Brotherhood of Music" border="0" /></a> + </td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="cartoon" valign="top"><a href="images/477-1500.png"><img src="images/477-d-1-200.png" width="200" height="168" alt="The Brotherhood of Music" border="0" /></a> + </td> + <td class="cartoon" valign="top"><a href="images/477-1500.png"><img src="images/477-d-2-200.png" width="200" height="168" alt="The Brotherhood of Music" border="0" /></a> + </td> + <td class="cartoon" valign="top"><a href="images/477-1500.png"><img src="images/477-d-3-200.png" width="200" height="168" alt="The Brotherhood of Music" border="0" /></a> + </td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="cartoon" valign="top" colspan="3"><a href="images/477-1500.png"><img src="images/477-e1-600.png" width="600" height="218" alt="The Brotherhood of Music" border="0" /></a> + </td> + +</tr> +</table><br style="line-height: 80%;" /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page478" id="page478"></a>[pg 478]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;"><a href="images/478-1500.png"><img src="images/478-600.png" width="600" height="411" alt="A CAST." /></a> +<h3>A CAST.</h3> + +<p><i>Ghillie.</i> "<span class="sc">Ay, Sir, the fushers are no what they were. Ye'll maybe no +believe me, but there was a man here last +month that had naething but a sup o' cold tea in his flask to wet a fush when he +caught yin!</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>THE PARADISE OF BARDS.</h3> + +<h4>(<i>From an Oxford Correspondent.</i>)</h4> + +<p>Considerable resentment has been +caused in various centres of poetic activity +by the preference recently expressed +by the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> for the +products of Welsh minstrelsy. In a +letter addressed to <span class="sc">Huw Menai</span>, the +working South Wales miner poet, Mr. +<span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> declares that he has +read his poems with the "greatest delight." +If the <span class="sc">Premier</span> had merely +said "great delight" no untoward consequences +would have ensued, but the invidious +use of the superlative threatens +to embroil the whole country in that +internecine war recently predicted by +the Editor of <i>The Athenæum</i> in his +gloomy survey of Neo-Georgian literature.</p> + +<p>Meetings of protest have been held in +Hampstead, at Letchworth, Stratford-on-Avon +and the Eustace Miles Restaurant, +but the most remarkable and orderly +of these demonstrations was that which +took place at Boar's Hill on Saturday +last, under the presidency of the <span class="sc">Poet +Laureate</span>. Boar's Hill, we need not +remind our readers, is <i>par excellence</i> +the fashionable intellectual suburb of +Oxford, and has been called the "Paradise +of Bards." Dr. <span class="sc">Bridges</span> in a +brief opening address, speaking more in +sorrow than in anger, dealt with the +statistical side of the question. He +pointed out that of the residents at +Boar's Hill one in every six was a true +poet, and three out of every five were +masters of the art of prosody. There +were no miner poets on Boar's Hill. +Their motto was <i>Majora canamus</i>.</p> + +<p>Professor <span class="sc">Gilbert Murray</span>, who +followed, laid stress on the perfect +harmony which reigned amongst the +residents, in spite of the fact that all +schools of poetry were represented, +from the austerest of classicists to +the most advanced exponents of Neo-Georgian +<i>vers libre</i>. They were a +happy family, linked together by a +common devotion to the Muses, and in +their daily output of verse showing a +higher unit of production than that +recorded of any other community in +either hemisphere.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">John Masefield</span> moved the only +resolution, which was carried unanimously, +to the effect that Mr. <span class="sc">Fisher</span>, +the Minister of Education, should be +requested to convey to the <span class="sc">Prime +Minister</span> the regret of the meeting +that he should have overlooked the +paramount claim of Boar's Hill to be +regarded as the Parnassus of Great +Britain. In <i>Murray's Guide to Oxfordshire</i> +it had been spoken of as "a health +resort for jaded students," but that +was an obsolete libel. Constitutionally +vigorous and daily refreshed by draughts +from the pellucid springs of the Pierides, +they led a life of exuberant health, as +the vital statistics of the neighbourhood +would abundantly show. On Boar's +Hill people began to write poetry earlier +and continued to do so later than in +any other spot in the British Isles.</p> + +<p>Sir <span class="sc">Arthur Evans</span>, in proposing a +vote of thanks to the Chairman, made +the gratifying announcement that Mr. +<span class="sc">Masefield</span> was already engaged on a +companion poem to his "Reynard the +Fox," commemorating the <i>genius loci</i> +under the inspiring title of "The Sticking +of the Pig."</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h4>A Very Free Translation.</h4> + +<blockquote class="note"><p>"'Have you come to make peace?'</p> + +<p>'<i>Nous verrons pour cela</i> ('That is what we +have come for),' replied Krassin at once."</p></blockquote> + +<p class="author1"><i>Daily Paper.</i></p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page479" id="page479"></a>[pg 479]</span> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/479-1500.png"><img src="images/479-600.png" width="600" height="361" alt="'An' serve yer right too if it 'ad a-knocked yer. Yer du go racin' a'ead—no sense.'" /></a> +<p><i>Martha</i> (<i>to ancient spouse, who has narrowly escaped +being run over by passing car</i>). "<span class="sc">An' serve yer right too if it 'ad +a-knocked yer. Yer du go racin' a'ead—no sense.</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>OUR BOOKING OFFICE.</h3> + +<h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> + +<p>Recent developments have given an unexpectedly topical +interest to a new book by Professor <span class="sc">Paul Miliukov</span>, L.L.D., +entitled <i>Bolshevism: an International Danger</i> (<span class="sc">Allen and +Unwin</span>). The whole question of the <i>de facto</i> Government +of Russia is so fiercely controversial that it is not to be +expected that such a work should escape violent criticism +from those for whom that Government can do no wrong, +though the writer justly claims that (however obvious his +own views) he has striven to be strictly fair to those of the +enemy. The scheme of his work has been "to trace the +evolution of Bolshevism from an abstract doctrine to a +practical experiment." One may excusably find the history +a grim and menacing one. In the course of it Professor +<span class="sc">Miliukov</span> tells again the tragedy of the great betrayal +(which it will do no one harm to ponder upon just now), +when the Commander of the 1st corps of the Siberian +Army reported: "A brilliant success crowned our efforts ... +there remained before us only a few fortifications, and the +battle might soon have taken the character of a complete +destruction of the enemy." But the work of <span class="sc">M. Lenin</span> had +been too thorough; instead of a victory that might have +ended the War and saved thousands of lives, we saw this +already triumphant army, equipped through British industry, +melt into a disorganised rabble. Nor is the writer +less interesting on other aspects of his theme; in particular +an exposition of the notorious Third International and a +survey of the present-moment activities of Bolshevist propaganda, +notably in our own country. No one who wishes +to read and keep for reference a clearly written and +understandable survey of the most urgent problem in +modern politics need go further than this short but highly +concentrated study.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><i>The March to Paris and the Battle of the Marne, 1914</i> +(<span class="sc">Arnold</span>), by Generaloberst <span class="sc">Alexander Von Kluck</span>, is +more of a soldiers', indeed a staff-officers', book than any +that has appeared here from the other side. It deals exclusively +with the operations of the German right wing, +<span class="sc">Von Kluck's</span> own (first) army and his <i>liaison</i> with the +second (<span class="sc">Von Bülow's</span>), during the move forward to the +Grand Morin, the allied counter-offensive and the establishment +of the line of the Aisne—that is from the twelfth of +August to the twelfth of September. The principal army +orders are given textually. An admirable map illustrates +each day's routes and billets for his first line and second +line troops, his cavalry and the extreme right of the second +army. <span class="sc">Von Kluck's</span> explanation of his breach of the +Supreme Command's orders and the manœuvre which +exposed him to <span class="sc">Manoury's</span> stroke was that, while ignoring +the letter, he was acting in the spirit of those orders on the +information available; that a pause to fulfil them literally +would have given the enemy time to recover; that defective +intelligence kept him ignorant of the fact that the German +left and centre had been definitely held by the French (if +he had known this he would not, he says, have crossed the +Marne). An examination of the frontispiece portrait suggests +that this fighting General would easily find excellent +reason for disobeying other people's orders and maintain +an obstinate defence of his own decisions once made, however +disastrous in result. Notes by the historical section +(military branch) of the Committee of Imperial Defence +point out inaccuracies and contradictions which the lay +reader would be unlikely to discover for himself. He will +however, if I mistake not, appreciate a soldierly narrative, +unspoiled by "political" parentheses or underestimation of +opponents, of what was undoubtedly a great military feat. +The German right wing covered the most ground and met +perhaps the toughest of the fighting.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page480" id="page480"></a>[pg 480]</span> + +<hr /> + +<p>I have found in <i>Lighting-up Time</i> (<span class="sc">Cobden-Sanderson</span>) +that all too rare thing, a theatrical novel of which the +vitality does not expire towards the end of the fourth +chapter. Obviously Mr. <span class="sc">Ivor Brown</span> knows the life of +modern stageland, one would say, with the intimacy of +personal experience. More important still, he commands +an easy style and a flow of genial, not too esoteric, humour +that combine to keep the reader chuckling and curious to +the last page. His title is characteristic, <i>Lighting-up Time</i> +symbolising here that period in the career of an actress +when her possibly waning attractions need the illumination +of a judicious boom. The two main characters are <i>Mary +Maroon</i>, the leading lady, and <i>Peter Penruddock</i>, the astute +publicity agent who engages to set her upon her financial +and artistic pedestal. <i>Peter</i>, in other words, is <i>Mary's</i> tide, +taken at the flood in chapter one, and leading her, very +divertingly, on to fortune. Both the tour of <i>Stolen or +Strayed</i> and the company that present it are admirably +true to life, while Mr. <span class="sc">Brown</span> has even been able convincingly +to suggest the atmosphere of theatrical Oxford, +when in due course +his mummers descend +upon that +home of lost comedies +and impossible +revues. If I +have a complaint +against the book it +is that a tale of +such pleasant irony +hardly needed the +general pairing-off +with which the author +rings down his +curtain; but for this +Noah's Ark I should +have more easily +believed in a story +that entertained me +throughout.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>There are some +forty-odd bits in +<i>A Bit at a Time</i> +(<span class="sc">Mills and Boon</span>), +and they embrace a variety of subjects, ranging from +crocuses in Kensington Gardens to corpse-boats on the +Tigris. They are all, whether sentimental, satirical or +pathetic, fiction of the lightest type. Such literature was +eminently readable during the War—most of Mr. <span class="sc">Dion +Clayton Calthrop's</span> bits have to do with somebody's "bit"—when +a touch of conventional pathos and pretended +cynicism and a generous padding of humour, real or forced, +provided sufficient relaxation from the strain of anxious +hours. But the wisdom of republishing them in book form +in these sober days of peace is open to question. When +Mr. <span class="sc">Calthrop</span> talks satirically of "perfect officials" or of +an earnest young American aviator who writes letters home +in a United States dialect that was never heard on land or +sea outside Bayswater, or of the war-time adventures of +one <i>Mr. Mason</i>, skipper, and <i>Mr. Smith</i>, his mate, he is +tolerably amusing. When he becomes serious, as in "The +Prayer of the Classical Parson" and "When the Son Came +Home," his limitations become increasingly apparent. Yet +it is in this vein that he gives us what is by all odds his +best bit, "The Chevalier of Carnaby Row." When he +writes of Cupids and fauns and Columbines and rose-leaves +and the sort of young females that find this environment +congenial (in books) I like Mr. <span class="sc">Calthrop</span> least. Perhaps +it is because the publishers have put his picture on the +paper cover. He looks much too stalwart and sophisticated +to be toying with such gossamer fantasies.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/480-1000.png"><img src="images/480-600.png" width="600" height="359" alt="LIFE'S LITTLE ANOMALIES." /></a> +<h3>LIFE'S LITTLE ANOMALIES.</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">How many thousands of pounds have been offered to Carpenter and Dempsey +to fight, and now here is a kind old lady giving two boys sixpence each if +they'll promise <i>not</i> to</span>.</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p>I doubt whether the complications which attend the devolution +of dead men's property were created for the confusion +of survivors or for the convenience of novelists. In the case +of <i>The Lost Mr. Linthwaite</i> (<span class="sc">Hodder and Stoughton</span>), +<i>Mrs. Byfield</i> had married <i>Mr. Byfield</i>, or at least she thought +she had, and <i>Mr. Byfield</i> had died, supposedly intestate. +Previously <i>Mrs. Byfield</i> had married <i>Mr. Melsome</i>, or again +she thought she had, and <i>Mr. Melsome</i> had disappeared and +was assumed to be dead, leaving nothing behind him except +a brother as vile as himself. The following discoveries +were made by her in due sequence: That <i>Mr. Melsome</i> was +not dead and that therefore she was not <i>Mrs. Byfield</i> but +<i>Mrs. Melsome</i>; that <i>Mr. Melsome</i> was already married when +he purported to marry her, and that therefore she was not +<i>Mrs. Melsome</i> but <i>Mrs. Byfield</i>; and that a solicitor's clerk +was absconding with the bulk of the <i>Byfield</i> estate, which, +of course, was what +the bother was all +about. Her son, +bitten with the +craze for discoveries, +then discovered +on his own that the +late <i>Mr. Byfield</i> +hadn't died intestate. +I wonder myself +if he ever really +died at all.... +These are what Mr. +<span class="sc">J. S. Fletcher</span> +very aptly calls the +mere legalities; the +plot, which thickens +and thickens +from first page to +last, concerns the +handling of them +by the evil but talented +<i>Melsome</i> +brothers, the accidental +intervention +of <i>Mr. Linthwaite</i>, and the rescue work of his admirable +nephew, <i>Mr. Richard Brixey</i>, of <i>The Morning Sentinel</i>. Mr. +<span class="sc">Fletcher</span> tells his story well, but up to the very last +moment I was looking and hoping for a surprise and was suspecting +those legalities of being a deception invented to make +the surprise all the greater. A first-class adventure, in my +opinion spoilt by the sacrifice of originality to technicality.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +"The girls, to the number of 116, escaped in their night attire, and +displayed great coolness."—<i>News of the World.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">Very natural.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +"Baron Evence Coppee, a Belgian, has been arrested on the charge +of furnishing coal to the enemy during the war."—<i>Daily Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">With a name like that the copper could hardly miss him.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +"Sir Robert is now satisfied, I understand, that there is considerable +merit in the adage 'all comes to he who waits.'—<i>Daily Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2"><span class="sc">Sir Robert</span> seems easily pleased.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +"<span class="sc">Orchestra</span> (small), or few Instrumentalists, for sea-handling +Margarine and Butter in up-to-date style."—<i>Advt. in Provincial Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="ind2">But we fear that some of the stuff met with nowadays +would "beat the band."</p> + +<hr class="full" /> +<br /><br /><br /><br /> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +158, June 16, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 32080-h.htm or 32080-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/2/0/8/32080/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Lesley Halamek, +Jonathan Ingram and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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diff --git a/32080.txt b/32080.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fad5a42 --- /dev/null +++ b/32080.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2064 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, +June 16, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, June 16, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: April 21, 2010 [EBook #32080] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Lesley Halamek, +Jonathan Ingram and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +Punch, + +or the London Charivari + +Volume 158, Jan-Jul 1920 + +June 16, 1920 + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + +"The Bolshevists," says a gossip writer, "do not always rob Peter to +pay Paul." No, they sometimes just rob Peter. + +* * * + +A Yarmouth report anticipates a shortage of herrings. It is said that +the PRIME MINISTER has a couple of second-hand red ones for disposal +which have only been drawn across the path once or twice. + +* * * + +"One of the Kaiser's mugs," says a news item, "has just been sold in +New York for forty pounds." We have suspected for some time that he +was a double-faced fellow. + +* * * + +"There should be no temptations to crime in so beautiful a spot," said +Mr. Justice COLERIDGE when presented with white gloves at the Anglesey +assizes. The sentiment is thought to be as old as ADAM. + +* * * + +"If it is necessary to strengthen the hands of the military in +Ireland," said Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, "the Government will certainly do +so." Our own view is that they should be protected even if it means +sending the Reserve of Special Constables to do it. + +* * * + +According to the Ministry of Transport, there is only one motor-car to +every one hundred and twenty people in Great Britain. The necessity of +fixing a maximum bag of pedestrians per car does not therefore arise. + +* * * + +A purple-eyed fish, eleven feet long, with a horn on its nose and no +teeth, has been caught at San Diego, California. That is the sort of +thing that makes Prohibition a secondary issue. + +* * * + +As the result of some remarks let drop by the crew and repeated by the +ship's parrot, several hundred bottles of liquor were found on board +the _S.S. Curacao_ by the San Francisco port authorities. It is now +suggested, in the interests of philology, that the parrot should be +put back to hear how the crew takes it. + +* * * + +A young man while fishing on the Wye landed a wallet containing +twenty-two one-pound Treasury notes. A correspondent writing from +North of the Tweed inquires what bait the fellow was using. + +* * * + +The POSTMASTER-GENERAL points out that five hundred new telephones are +to be erected in rural districts. Local residents should at least be +grateful for this little friendly warning. + +* * * + +It is reported that M. KRASSIN told the PREMIER all about Russia. Mr. +LLOYD GEORGE was very interested, as he had often heard of the place. + +* * * + +With the letter postage at twopence, we read, it is in many cases just +as cheap to telephone. And in some cases just as quick. + +* * * + +"Will Wilde meet Beckett?" asks a headline. We can only say that we do +not intend to stand in their way. + +* * * + +General VON KLUCK has been telling somebody that he lost the battle of +the Marne by a fluke. As we can't have the War over again we must let +the matter remain at that. + +* * * + +According to an evening paper a temperance speaker fainted during a +procession in a Kentish town, and was immediately carried into a shop +and brought round by whisky. The report that on being informed of this +fact he again went off into a faint is happily without foundation. + +* * * + +A man aged seventy-six was charged last week with threatening to shoot +a West-End family of six. It is said that his parents intend to plead +the baneful influence of the cinema. + +* * * + +The fact that at least seven people have expressed their intention of +swimming the English Channel this year draws attention once more to +the lack of accommodation on our cross-Channel steamers. + +* * * + +A wheelbarrow has been presented to the parishioners of Hornchurch, +Essex. We have maintained all along that the motor-car craze would +wear itself out in time. + +* * * + +On April the 21st the Maharajah of BIKANIR shot his hundredth tiger. +All efforts to induce him to join the R.I.C. have so far failed. + +* * * + +The case is reported of a hen which lays an egg each morning on her +master's bed and then pecks his cheek to wake him up at the proper +time for breakfast. Guess where this happens. America? Right. + +* * * + +We understand that in view of the paper shortage the West Drayton man +who managed to get through on the telephone last week has abandoned +the idea of writing a book about it. + +* * * + +Much annoyance is said to have been caused to one bricklayer last +week. It seems that just before the dinner hour somebody kicked away +the brick he had laid and the unfortunate fellow had to start the day +all over again. + +* * * + +According to _The Manila Bulletin_ the cost of living is going to +fall. Not on us, we trust. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _'Arry._ "THEY'RE TALKIN' ABAHT DOIN' GREEK PLAYS AN' +PAGEANTS AN' ALL SORTS O' LOOPY STUNTS AT 'AMPSTEAD ON BANK 'OLIDAYS." + +_'Arriet._ "LUMME! IT'LL GIT THE PLACE A BAD NAME."] + + * * * * * + +The Hire Education. + + "Required, an Assistant Teacher (Lady), with option of + purchase."--_Australian Paper._ + + * * * * * + +"Ex-Soldier's Tale. + + NOTE TO WAR PRISONER HIDDEN IN CHEESE." + +_National News._ + +We should like to hear more of the prisoner and his novel +hiding-place. + + * * * * * + +MAY-WEEK. + + [Addressed affectionately to the author of "May-Week Then and + Now" in _The Times_ of last Wednesday.] + + Though forty years have done their worst + To change us to the sere and brown, + Since we in verdant freshness first + Assumed the triple-chevroned gown, + As I perused _The Times_ this very day week + Your statement thrilled me through and through-- + How people still go gathering nuts in May-week + Much as they used to do. + + The courts their dun-grey habit keep, + Their velvet-green the sacred lawns; + The rooks that marred our matin sleep + Still devastate the golden dawns; + Beneath my westward windows still the same bridge + Sags in the centre as of old; + In fact, in all essential matters Cambridge + Preserves its ancient mould. + + Slight innovations have occurred + That rudely on your senses strike; + Our innocence had never heard + The hooting of the motor-bike; + And though you might approve, with your rich tresses, + The vogue of leaving off your hat, + I with a crust that loathes the wind's caresses-- + I should revolt at that. + + But for the rest there's little strange; + Still Cam pursues his torpid way; + 'Tis we alone who suffer change + (I could not stick the course to-day); + New generations lash the same old river, + Spurt up the Long Reach, bump and sup; + What if we pass, through weight of years or liver? + Somebody keeps it up. + + Time may have weaned us long ago + With even sterner heights to win + Than when the once resilient toe + Was apt to dance the daylight in; + No doubt we've grown in wisdom since we started, + But I would give my head (with brain) + Just to be back there, young and agile-hearted, + Just for one June again. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +AUTHORSHIP FOR ALL. + + [In this series Mr. Punch presents a few specimens of the work + of his newly-established Literary Ghost Bureau, which supplies + appropriate Press contributions on any subject and over + any signature. Terms and simple self-measurement form on + application.] + +I.--THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF GENIUS. + +_By Miss Dinkie Devereux, the renowned Film Favourite._ + +The Editor of _The Weekly Newsbag_ has kindly asked me to write +an article on the duty which we denizens of Flickerland owe to +the public. This, it happens, is a subject that has long given me +"furiously to think," as a witty Frenchman once said in French. It may +be of interest, by the way, to state that I am myself partly of Gallic +extraction, my mother having been a Lyons girl before she was enabled +to open a tea-shop of her own; and, although born and bred in what +I am proud to call my native country, I can even now act just as +fluently in a French film as in an all-British production. + +But I must not let my thoughts run away with my pen, fascinating +though such cross-country excursions may be. To return to my appointed +topic, heavy indeed is the burden that is laid on the back of a cinema +star. You who know me only as the reigning queen of countless +Palaces may possibly imagine that my life is spent in flitting +butterfly-fashion from film to film, existing only for the golden +moment. But one is not born a butterfly, nor does one remain so +without constant effort. The strenuous nature of my labours indeed +necessitates frequent periods of recuperation, which I seek either +in my Highland fastness, or on my Californian peach-farm, or amid +the lotus-bushes of my villa on the Riviera. This, then, is one of my +first duties to the public--to preserve that Heaven-sent talent which, +in the words of mighty MILTON, "is death to hide." (MILTON, I may +say, is my favourite poet next to GEORGE R. SIMS, and "Odont" is my +favourite mouth-wash.) + +But the intervals between pictures are not all play. When I receive +notice of a forthcoming production in which my services are entreated +(and I owe it to humanity not to refuse my co-operation provided +certain bothersome preliminaries of a financial nature are +successfully negotiated), I spend a considerable time steeping myself +in the atmosphere of the part I am to fill. One of my most famous +_roles_, as I need hardly mention, is that of _Lilian the Lift-Girl_, +in the great Solomonson six-reeler, _Ups and Downs_. In order to +prepare for this momentous undertaking I used to visit Whiteridge's +Stores daily and devote an hour or so to travelling in the elevators; +only thus could I hope to attain the proper perspective. The +attendants of course knew me well and used to ply me with gifts of +chocolates, etc.; but after a time I was compelled to refuse these +touching offerings because my chauffeur has a tendency to biliousness. + +Then there is the sacred duty of looking after what my Press agent +is good enough to call my "unearthly charm." I do not agree with +the _dictum_ that "we are as Heaven made us," and I am sure no film +enterprise could carry on successfully on those lines. Of course +you must have something to work upon, and for the bare edifice of my +beauty, which in all humility I admit was raised by other hands than +mine, I claim no special praise. But I think I may justly take +credit for the structural alterations I have effected and for the +self-sacrificing labours I have willingly undergone to maintain each +of my features at its maximum efficiency; to these the advertisement +columns of the papers bear constant testimony. + +(In passing let me observe that I have always found Mrs. Phipps's +Face-Fodder of invaluable assistance in "that fierce light which beats +upon the screen," as dear old TENNYSON--another great favourite of +mine--so nearly said.) + +Naturally enough the public is always ravenous for information +concerning the minutest details of my life, and to prevent +disappointment in this respect I send the Press a daily budget of +my doings, entitled _Dinkie Day by Day_. That is another burden I +cheerfully shoulder, and by this method my admirers are kept fully +acquainted with what I may call the real me--with the heart that +beats beneath the shadowed counterfeit. Nevertheless at times the most +absurd rumours get abroad. Recently, for example, I saw it stated in +quite a reputable organ that my favourite jam is blackberry-and-apple; +as a matter of fact I find all jams ruinous to the figure, and as a +tea-relish I usually limit myself to the more ascetic bloater-paste, +with salmon-and-shrimp as an occasional variant. + +My pet hobby is collecting precious stones, and my favourites among +these are pearls and diamonds, especially of the larger variety. +Frequently admirers of my art who know of this harmless foible are +good enough to add to my collection, and these spontaneous tributes +are among the compensations of a life dedicated at every moment of the +day to the public service. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DIRECT REACTION. + +LABOUR EXTREMIST. "HE'S A BIT TOO QUICK ON THE REBOUND." + +[Mr. LLOYD GEORGE gave a very straight answer to the representative of +those members of the National Union of Railwaymen who had refused +to handle munitions intended for the defence of the Royal Irish +Constabulary against murderous attack.]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HOLIDAY GOLF. + +_Landlady_ (_showing apartments in the vicinity of famous links_). +"OH, YOU'LL BE QUITE COMFORTABLE HERE, SIR; YOU SEE, WE'RE USED TO +GOLFERS."] + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER DOG DISPUTE. + +As far as was revealed by the torn remnants of posters adhering to +Farmer Pyke's barn, the only event of importance in Little Spudsey +since the letting by auction of fifty-seven acres of summer keeping in +April, 1918, was the Rural District Council Election in March, 1920. +Conspicuous mention was made of Pyke, Cluttrel and Gedge, Coalition +Candidates, who had apparently coalesced to crush one Winch, +Independent. I was endeavouring to discover his fate when old William +Trimble doddered along. + +"Marnin', Mr. Lomax," he said; "you be back at last?" + +I could not deny the fact. + +"There be only Hosea Bennett an' George Riley to coom now, an' the +toll'll be complete." + +"Where are they now?" I asked. + +"George be in India, or leastways 'e was, an' Hosea's at Cologny. +They'm both expected back by Saturday fortnit, an' th' question which +on 'em really owns th' Yarkshire tarrier'll have to be settled once +an' for all. Yon election hinged on it." + +"I'm afraid I've forgotten the details, William," I confessed lamely. + +"You'll surely remember th' little Yarkshire tarrier as strayed into +th' village in the summer o' '14," said William. "Hosea claimed it as +his'n by right of hollering it first, but George rackened him givin' +it a bit o' bacon-rind from 'is lunch med 'im th' rightful owner. It +stayed a few days wi' Hosea, then George 'ticed it away, an' generally +it hung to the one as happened to have th' biggest bone. Feeling ran +high atween them till, after the harvest 'ad bin got in, Mr. Gedge, at +The Chequers, axed George what about j'ining up. + +"'What, an' give Hosea a free run wi' th' tarrier?' said George. 'Not +blessed likely.' + +"Hosea for his part said 'e weren't going to budge while th' village +were infested wi' dog-stealers; so Mr. Gedge 'e says, 'Hand th' dog to +me. I'll howd it wi'out fear nor favour, an' when you both cooms back +we'll have it properly arbitrated on.' + +"So Hosea j'ined the Infantry an' George went into th' Yeomanry. There +was some friction when George first coom on leave an' Mr. Gedge let +'im have th' tarrier for a day's ratting. Th' Bennett family said it +were breaking the agreement, but Mr. Gedge said it were a patriotic +duty to give th' lads a bit of amusement when they came on leave, an' +'e 'd undertake the Rileys 'ud make no objection when Hosea coom home. +But it made a lot 'o coolness atween th' families, an' when Hosea were +wounded in '15 the Bennettses as good as said th' Rileys weren't no +better nor pro-Germans in not giving up their claim to th' tarrier. +Public opinion were with Hosea at that time, but it veered round to +George when 'e won th' Military Medal in '16. + +"However, George got orders to go East in '17, an' Hosea had pretty +frequent leaves and were allus parading th' dog outside the Rileys' +cottage. About the end o' '18 owd Ephraim Riley got tired of it and +went to see Mr. Gedge on th' subject. + +"'Fair's fair,' he says, 'an' Hosea ain't no right to be worming 'is +way into that dog's affections while George can't get home.' + +"'There's summat in that,' said Mr. Gedge; an' next time Hosea cooms +home 'e finds the dog in pound, so to speak. + +"'Very good,' says he; 'I don't coom home again till George is here.' + +"In th' spring of '19, 'bout the time as the tarrier--which was +getting owd and cantankerous--bit Wilfred Browitt in th' leg, we heerd +that George weren't likely to be back for a longish time, an' Hosea +wrote to say in that case he'd take on in th' Army for another year. +Then we had mower excitement, for it was said that Winch, a new-comer, +had put up for th' Council, an' it 'ud mean an election. Fowks were so +used to Farmer Pyke an' Mr. Gedge and Mr. Cluttrel setting that they +rackened they didn't need to be voted on, but would go in automatic. +However, there were a meetin' in th' parish-room, an' when Chairman +axed if anyone 'ad any questions Wilfred Browitt got up an' said: + +"'Who owns tarrier, Hosea Bennett or George Riley?' + +"It were well known that Wilfred were a mean-sperrited crittur as only +wanted to know from which one 'e 'd be likely to get compensation for +th' bite on his leg. So Mr. Gedge 'e rose an' answered:-- + +"'It's well known Mr. Pyke nor Mr. Cluttrel nor self can't say +anything on the matter, as it is sub-judish till th' lads coom home.' + +"'What do you say, Mr. Winch?' persisted Wilfred. + +"'I declare for George Riley,' said Winch boldly, 'him being the first +to give it sustenance.' + +"There were a great sensation at that, an' it showed the cunningness +o' Winch. He knew the Rileys were intermarried wi' half th' village +and all George's relations 'ud be bound to vote for 'im after he'd +declared for them. And so it proved, for, though th' Bennettses +rallied everyone they could for th' Coalitioners, they weren't strong +enough, an Winch got in in place o' Mr. Cluttrel." + +"Still," I remarked, "the question of ownership isn't settled." + +"No, that'll be settled Saturday fortnit. It'll be a rare set-back for +Winch if the verdict goes to Hosea." + +"But in any case the terrier is sure of a good home," I said. + +"Well, as to that," replied William, "it were the principle o' the +thing that were at stake. When th' tarrier bit Wilfred Browitt in '19 +he chased it out of th' village wi' his stick, an' nobody ain't seen +it since." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Host_ (_to guest, who is helping him to make a +pergola_). "DON'T LEAN ON IT, YOU SILLY ASS! YOU'LL HAVE IT DOWN."] + + * * * * * + +Our Modest Advertisers. + + "TO BE LET.--Charming Little Gentleman's Pleasure + Farm."--_Field._ + + * * * * * + + "A Northampton Corporation report states that contractor's + workmen have applied for permission to work longer hours." + +_Daily Chronicle._ + +We understand that the Labour Party will at once order the Ministry of +Health to take steps to isolate these cases, and that there is little +danger of a spread of the epidemic. + + * * * * * + +A PRISCILLA DIALOGUE. + +There is probably some way by which a young female child can be led +through easy stages of Socratic dialogue to the idea of ultimate truth +in morals as well as art. There is probably some way of talking to +such a child without being badly scored off. But I do not seem to +have the gift. This is the more unfortunate because the thing usually +happens before I have finished my breakfast, and nothing is quite so +damaging to my self-esteem as to be soundly snubbed in my own house +before the day's work has begun. + +Mind you I do not honestly believe that my logic is at fault. I +believe that there is usually a flaw in the reasoning of the child. +But you cannot very well say to an infant of three, "You are now being +guilty of an undistributed middle or a _petitio elenchi_ or whatever +it is." She would do what I have heard even older women do in like +circumstances. She would change the subject at once. Perhaps the +MONTESSORI system ... But let us take a typical case. + +I found her sitting at a large table by the dining-room window, in a +high chair that left her red shoes eighteen inches from the ground, a +complete doll's tea service in front of her and a small stuffed lamb +on her right-hand side. The tea-pot appeared to contain real water +and the sugar-basin real sugar, and although she was supremely busy +watering and sugaring and rearranging her cups and jugs and spoons +she greeted me with the composure of an experienced _chatelaine_. Our +conversation went something like this:-- + +_She._ Will you have any cup of tea? + +_I_ (_having drunk a small cup of water with a very little real sugar +and a large quantity of real grit in it_.) Thank you. How delicious! +But I must go and have my breakfast now. + +_She_ (_taking no notice at all and offering me a small fragment of +moist toast_). Will you have any piece of cake? + +_I._ Thank you. What lovely plum-cake! + +_She_ (_with infinite scorn_). Ho! that isn't _plum_-cake. There isn't +any plums in it. It's _choclat_ cake. + +_I_ (_humiliated_). Oh, well, I don't think I will have any more tea, +thank you. + +_She_ (_coldly_). I'm going to give my lamb tea now. + +[_The method of giving tea to a lamb, in case it is not generally +known, is to plaster the lamb's nose with spoonfuls of sugar and +then lick off the sugar with one's tongue. At least that is the way +Priscilla does it._] + +_I_ (_reprovingly from the breakfast-table_.) What a funny way to give +your lamb tea, Priscilla. + +_She._ My lamb says he likes having his tea like this. (_A longish +pause._) Please will you draw me a picsher? + +_I._ What kind of a picture? + +_She._ A picsher of a house. + +_I._ What kind of a house? + +_She_ (_in one long breath_). A purple house with a yellow roof and +blue curtains and a green door and rose-trees with red roses and +hollyhocks and a dear little pussy-cat and a motor-car coming up the +drive. + +[_This is executed in coloured crayons with a rapidity born of +hunger and long practice, and passed to the Hanging Committee for +inspection._] + +_She_ (_examining it critically_). Ho! that isn't a _door_. + +_I._ Yes, it is, Priscilla. It's a very nice _door_. + +_She._ It isn't a door. It hasn't any knocker. + +[_After all, when_ is _a door not a door? I finish the joinery job and +carry on with my bacon._] + +_She_ (_suddenly_). There isn't any sun. + +[_I sketch in the regulation pattern of circular sun, with eyes, a +nose and a smile complete._] + +_She._ That isn't a sun. It hasn't any hair. + +_I._ The sun doesn't have any hair, Priscilla. + +_She_ (_decisively_). Nurse has hair. + +[_This really seems unanswerable. Having amended Phoebus Apollo +I start in with my marmalade. After a lapse of a few minutes a low +hammering is heard from somewhere on the floor at the far side of the +table._] + +_I._ Whatever are you doing, Priscilla? + +_She._ Sooing my horse. + +[_She is discovered beating the wheels of a grey wooden flat-backed +animal on a stand with a hammer procured from heaven alone knows +where._] + +_I._ Well, don't hit him on the wheels, anyhow. (_A pause, subdued +noises and a sigh._) What are you doing now, Priscilla? + +_She._ Sooing him on his back. + +_I._ Doesn't that hurt him? + +_She._ It hurts him very much, but he doesn't _say_ anything. + +[_I come round to give veterinary advice._] + +_I._ Don't you love your horse, Priscilla? + +_She._ Yes, he's my friendly horse. + +_I._ Well, don't bang him about like that; all the paint's coming off +him. + +[_The carpet is in fact bestrewn with small flakes of grey paint from +the unhappy creature's flanks._] + +_She_ (_derisively_). Ho! that isn't paint. That's snorts. + +_I_ (_helplessly_). Whatever do you mean? + +_She._ That's snorts. Snorts from his mouf. White snorts. + +_I._ But why is your horse snorting from his mouth, Priscilla? + +_She._ He's snorting from his mouf because I'm sooing him on his back. + +Well, there you are, you know; what is one going to do about it? There +is a sort of specious plausibility about these replies after all; I +am no farrier, but I should think it quite likely that if you shoed +a cart-horse long enough on the back with a large enough hammer he +_would_ snort white snorts from his mouth; and it's no use telling the +girl that she can't jump from realism to romance in that disingenuous +manner. Besides she might start hammering the wheels again. Or else +she would say that her horse _said_ he was snorting, and who am I to +contradict a British horse? I used to consider myself pretty good at +what are called back-answers and I still believe that with a little +practice I could hold my own in Whitechapel or the House of Commons, +but there are subtle transitions about Priscilla's method of argument +with which only a Prime Minister could cope. It carries too many guns +for me. It cramps my style. + +V. + + * * * * * + +A CORNISH COTTAGE. + + Beside the clock two spaniels stand, + Two china spaniels golden-spotted; + On a lace d'oyley (contraband) + Beams a red-faced geranium (potted). + + Framed portraits rest on woollen mats, + Black-bearded smugglers with their spouses; + The gentlemen wear bowler hats, + The ladies sport their Sunday blouses. + + Two pictures decorate the wall, + Vesuvius spouting sparks and ashes, + The brig _Calypso_ in a squall, + Full-sailed despite the lightning flashes. + + Without, the dark Atlantic flings + Against the cliff its booming surges, + And, as a shell, the snug room rings + With its reverberating dirges. + + Against the door the night winds rave + Like outcast dogs, their lot deploring; + Triumphant over wind and wave + Rises my landlord's lusty snoring. + + PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + + "There was one summer when he lived by himself in a lonely old + houseboat on the Thames, from which he paddled himself ashore + every morning in a top-hat."--_Daily Paper._ + +The drawback to this kind of craft is that it only accommodates a +single skull. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + +MR. GILEAD P. BLOGGS (U.S.A.) ORDERS FOR HIS NEW DINING-ROOM AT +PITTSBURGH A COLOSSAL PICTURE REPRESENTING A HOSPITABLE SIDEBOARD, TO +KEEP ALIVE HIS MEMORIES OF "WET" AMERICA.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +_Accused_ (_just dismissed_). "MANY THANKS! WHAT SHOULD I HAVE DONE +WITHOUT YOU?" + +_Counsel._ "OH, ABOUT SIX MONTHS."] + + * * * * * + +LITTLE BITS OF LONDON. + +BILLINGSGATE. + +In order to see Billingsgate properly in action it is necessary to get +up at half-past four and travel on the Underground by the first train +East, which is an adventure in itself. The first train East goes at +three minutes past five, and there are large numbers of people who +travel in it every day; by Charing Cross it is almost crowded. It is +full of Bolshevists; and I do not wonder. One sits with one's feet up +in a first-class carriage, clutching a nice cheap workman's ticket and +trying hard to look as if, like the Bolshevists, one did this every +day. + +On arriving at the Monument Station one walks briskly past the +seductive announcement that "THE MONUMENT IS NOW OPEN," and plunges +into a world of fish. I have never been able to understand why fish +is so funny. On the comic stage a casual reference to fish is almost +certain to provoke a shout of laughter; in practice, and especially +in the mass, it is not so funny; it is like the Government, an +inexhaustible source of humour at a distance, and in the flesh +extraordinarily dull. + +Over the small streets which surround the market hangs a heavy pall +of fishy vapour. The streets are full of carts; the carts are full of +fish. The houses in the streets are fish-dealers' places, more or less +full of fish. The pavements are full of fish-porters, carrying fish, +smelling of fish. Fragments of conversation are heard, all about +fish. Fish lie sadly in the gutters. The scales of fish glitter on the +pavements. A little vigorous swimming through the outlying fisheries +brings you to the actual market, which is even more wonderful. Imagine +a place like Covent Garden, and nearly as big, but entirely devoted to +fish. In the place of those enchanting perspectives of flower-stalls, +imagine enormous regiments of fish-stalls, paraded in close order and +groaning with halibut and conger-eel, with whiting and lobsters and +huge crabs. Round these stalls the wholesale dealers wade ankle-deep +in fish. Steadily, maliciously, the great fish slide off the stalls +on to the floor; steadily the dealers recover them and pile them up +on their small counters, or cast them through the air on to other +counters, or fling them into baskets in rage or mortification or sheer +bravado. + +The dealers are men with business-faces, in long white coats, +surprisingly clean. Every now and then they stop throwing crabs into +baskets or retrieving halibut from the floor, and make little entries +in long note-books. I do not know exactly what entries they make, but +I think they must all be in for some competition, and are making notes +about their scores; one man I watched had obviously just beaten the +record for halibut-recovery. He recovered so many in about a minute +that the tops of his boots were just beginning to show. When he had +done that he made such long notes in his book about it that most of +the halibut slid on to the floor again while he was doing it. Then he +began all over again. But I expect he won the prize. + +Meanwhile about a million fish-porters are dashing up and down the +narrow avenues between the fish-stalls, porting millions of boxes of +fish. Nearly all of them, I am glad to say, have been in the army or +have had a relative in the army; for they are nearly all wearing the +full uniform of a company cook, which needs no description. On their +heads they have a kind of india-rubber hat, and on the india-rubber +hat they have a large box of fish weighing about six stone--six +_stone_, I tell you. This box they handle as if it was a box of +cigars. They pick it up with a careless gesture; they carry it as +if it was a slightly uncomfortable hat, and they throw it down with +another careless gesture, usually on to another box of fish; this +explains why so many of one's herrings appear to have been maimed at +sea. + +When they have finished throwing the boxes about they too take out a +note-book and make notes about it all. This, it seems, is to make +sure that they are paid something for throwing each box about. I don't +blame them. It must be a hard life. Yet if I thought I could pick up +six stone of salmon and plaice and throw it about I should sign on at +Billingsgate at once. It is true they start work about five; but they +stop work, it seems, about ten, and they earn a pound and over for +that. Then they can go home. Most of them, I imagine, are stockbrokers +during the rest of the day. + +And they are a refined and gentlemanly body of men. I hope the old +legend that the fish-porter of Billingsgate expresses himself in +terms too forcible for the ordinary man is now exploded; for it is a +slander. In fact it is a slander to call him a "porter;" at least in +these days I suppose it is libellous to connect a man falsely with +the N.U.R., if only by verbal implication. But, however that may be, +I here assert that the Billingsgate fish-porter is a comparatively +smooth and courteous personage, and, considering his constant +association with fish in bulk, I think it is wonderful. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Connoisseur (smoking cigarette stump just thrown away +by passer-by)_. "EITHER TERBAKKER ISN'T WOT IT WOS--OR THESE 'ERE +TOFFS AIN'T."] + + * * * * * + +At the far end of the market is the river Thames; and on the river +Thames there is a ship or two chockful of fish. Fish-porters with a +kind of _blase_ animation run up and down a long gangway to the ship +with six-stone boxes of fine fresh whiting on their heads. These +boxes they pile up on a chute (carefully noting each box in their +note-books), after which an auctioneer auctions the boxes. This is the +really exciting part of the show. The dealers or the dealers' agents +stand round in a hungry ring and buy the boxes of fish as they slide +down the chute. The dealers seem to detail a less cultured type of man +for this purpose, and few of the bidders come up to the standard of +refinement of the fish-porters. But the auctioneer understands them, +and he knows all their Christian names. He can tell at a glance +whether it is Mossy Isaacs or Sam Isaacs. He is a very clever man. + +They stand round looking at the boxes of fish, and when one of them +twitches the flesh of his nose or faintly moves one of his eyelashes +it means that he has bought six stone of whiting for thirty shillings. +That is the only kind of sign they give, and the visitor will be wise +not to catch the auctioneer's eye, or blow his nose or do any overt +action like that, or he may find that he has bought six stone of +salmon and halibut for forty-five shillings. At an auction of fish it +is true to say that a nod is as good as a wink; in fact it is worse. + +The dealers are silent motionless men; but nobody else is. Everybody +else is dashing about and shouting as loud as he can. As each box of +fish is sold the porters dash at it and shout at it (of course in a +very gentlemanly way) and carry it off in all directions. It is quite +clear that nobody knows who has bought it and where it is going. The +idea of the whole thing is to impress the visitor with the mobility +of fish, and this object is successfully attained. No doubt when the +visitors have gone away they settle down and decide definitely whom +the fish belongs to. + +It is now about half-past six. Fish is still rushing in at one end +from the ship and is rushing in at the other from the railway-vans. +The porters are throwing the fish at the dealers' stalls (registering +each hit in their note-books), and the dealers are throwing it on +to the floor or throwing it at each other or trying to throw it at a +retailer, who always puts on a haughty air and passes on to the next +stall, till he too gets entangled in the game and finds that he has +bought twenty-four stone of whiting at twopence a pound; then he +throws it at some more porters, and the porters dash outside and throw +it at the carts, and the carts clatter away to Kensington, and my +wife buys a whiting at tenpence a pound, and the circle of fish +organisation is complete. + +At about this point it is a good thing to pass on to Covent Garden and +buy some flowers. + +A. P. H. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Aspiring Solicitor_ (_speaking in telephone with the +idea of impressing supposed client_). "YES, TELL THE LORD CHANCELLOR +I WILL LUNCH WITH HIM, AND SHALL BE VERY HAPPY TO GIVE HIM THE BENEFIT +OF MY ADVICE IN THE MATTER HIS LORDSHIP MENTIONED. GOOD-BYE. NOW WHAT +CAN I DO FOR YOU, SIR?" + +_Supposed Client._ "WELL, I'VE COME ABOUT YOUR TELEPHONE, SIR, WHICH +I UNDERSTAND FROM YOUR LETTER TO US HAS BEEN COMPLETELY OUT OF WORKING +ORDER SINCE YESTERDAY."] + + * * * * * + +A Record Crash. + +From "Sayings of the Week" in a Sunday paper:-- + + "With the aerial world at our feet we are making no effort to + grasp it.--_G. Holt Thomas._" + + * * * * * + +CAPUA. + +(_A Bolshevist's lament, designed to show that though we may appear to +be giving way rather easily to the Russian Government we have a deep +purpose in it all._) + + Silken ways and softer manners + Bend the barbarous victor down; + Woe unto the Soviet banners! + M. KRASSIN is in town. + + Hark! the Lydian lute is thrumming + Roses fall about his feet; + He shall pardon each shortcoming, + Conqueror he shall taste defeat. + + Puzzled, maybe slightly baffled, + He shall get to like it all, + Overlook the absent scaffold + At the windows of Whitehall. + + Piccadilly, though it warps his + Sense of justice, he shall see + Unencumbered by the corpses + Of a bloated _bourgeoisie_; + + Quite forget the stern aspirants + To a nobler newer world; + Tread the Birdcage Walk with tyrants, + Have his hair by Bond Street curled; + + Lulled by scented airs and graces, + Feel the Scythian ardours fade; + Purchase underwear and braces + In the Burlington Arcade; + + Losing for a mess of pottage + TROTSKY'S wireless apothegms, + Take a little country cottage + And a houseboat on the Thames. + + Oh to think that as he lingers + Hour by hour he needs must hook + Round imperial palms the fingers + Of a hand that LENIN shook. + + Commerce like an iron girder + Props the new world and the old; + All men know the stains of murder + May be lightly washed with gold. + + Ah, but when the bright-eyed vulture, + Fresh from feasting on the slain, + Learns the way of foreign culture + Shall his claws grow sharp again? + + So for him we weep, the Tartar + Blood-bedabbled to his wrists, + When his free soul sinks to barter + With abhorred capitalists. + + Silken ways and softer manners + Bend the sturdiest victor down; + Woe unto the Soviet banners! + M. KRASSIN is in town. + + EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AIR-CRAFTINESS + +BRITISH LION. "HALLO! STARTED FLYING AGAIN ALREADY?" + +GERMAN EAGLE. "OH, PURELY A COMMERCIAL FLUTTER." + +BRITISH LION (_to himself_). "I REMEMBER HEARING THAT SAME YARN ABOUT +THEIR NAVY. TIME I DEVELOPED _MY_ WINGS AGAIN." + +["In Germany there are millions of men firmly determined to win back +by the air what they have lost by sea and on land." + +_General Seeley._]] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "MANY YEARS AGO." + +SIR ERIC GEDDES AT A SUNDAY SCHOOL TREAT.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, June 7th._--"Has the right hon. gentleman any experience +of Sunday School treats?" asked Mr. INSKIP after the MINISTER OF +TRANSPORT had announced that the railway companies, while conceding +reduced fares for these outings, could not extend the facilities to +more than one adult for every ten children. Sir ERIC GEDDES admitted +that his experience was "many years ago." There must have been "giants +in those days" among the Sunday School teachers if one of them was +able to "moderate the transports" of ten little ERICS. + +The PRIME MINISTER had discarded the jaunty grey suit which he wore +last week, and in his "blacks" looked rather like a Scottish elder. +Nevertheless, when requested by Mr. MACCALLUM SCOTT to interpret the +articles of the "Auld Kirk" he declined to rush in where Mr. BONAR LAW +had feared to tread, and contented himself with the remark that this +was "a very dangerous question for a mere Southerner." + +The negotiations with M. KRASSIN caused many inquiries. Mr. WILLIAM +SHAW, for example, sought a guarantee that the Bolshevists should not +be allowed to pay for the goods they might now order with the stores +that they had seized from His Majesty's Government. One is reminded +of PHIL MAY'S publican, who took the theft of his pewters +philosophically, but was moved to strong protest when the thief +brought them back in the form of bad half-crowns. + +Coalitionist anxiety in regard to the PRIME MINISTER'S flirtation with +the Soviet emissary took shape in a motion for the adjournment moved +by Colonel GRETTON, who was shocked at the idea of negotiating with a +Government that depended on violence, and seconded by Admiral Sir R. +HALL, who doubted whether there was anything to be got out of +Russia. Mr. LLOYD GEORGE replied that, according to the evidence +of anti-Bolshevist refugees, there were quantities of grain and raw +materials awaiting export, while in regard to the general question he +poured much rhetorical contempt on the argument that we were never +to trade with a country that was misgoverned. What about Turkey? +What about Mexico? "You cannot always examine the records of your +customers." + +Earlier in the day Sir A. GRIFFITH BOSCAWEN had moved the Second +Reading of the Agriculture Bill with so much vigour and enthusiasm +that one wondered why a Bill so vital to the national well-being +had not been introduced a little earlier. Later speakers were less +friendly. Mr. ACLAND declared that the measure was only necessary +because the Government could not keep the country out of international +difficulties. Captain FITZROY complained that the Bill did too +much for the tenant-farmer; whereas Mr. CAUTLEY described it as the +tenant-farmer's death-knell. + +_Tuesday, June 8th._--The prevalent belief that Mr. CHURCHILL is +always spoiling for a fight, and is mainly responsible for all the +wars now going on in various parts of the world, is, I am ready to +believe, entirely erroneous. But there is no doubt of his desire to +"see red" so far as His Majesty's Army is concerned. The report +that the Government intended to spend three millions in putting our +soldiers back into the traditional scarlet inspired a multitude of +questions to the WAR SECRETARY this afternoon. Mr. CHURCHILL declared +it to be grossly exaggerated. Nevertheless, in political circles it +is believed that at the next election the Government can rely with +confidence upon the nurserymaids' vote. + +[Illustration: MR. CHURCHILL SEES RED. ARMY UNIFORM (1) AS IT IS; +(2) AS IT WAS BEFORE THE WAR AND WILL BE AGAIN; AND (3) AS TO SUIT MR. +CHURCHILL'S MARLBOROUGH TRADITIONS, IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN.] + +In resisting the proposal to make a levy on capital Mr. CHAMBERLAIN +covered the ground so exhaustively that, as Sir F. BANBURY +subsequently observed, the chief complaint to be made of his speech +was that it was not delivered three months before, when it would have +saved the money-market great anxiety and prevented much depreciation +of capital. For, according to the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER, a levy +on war-wealth was never really practicable, and even if it had been +would have had no effect upon the amount of the floating debt, his +most pressing problem. But, if so, why not have said it at the start, +instead of setting up a Committee to try to find a solution for the +insoluble? + +Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S contention that by the income-tax and super-tax +wealth was already heavily conscripted would have perhaps been better +left without illustration. His case of the gentleman with L131,000 a +year, who after paying his taxes had only L42,500 to spend, left Mr. +STEPHEN WALSH quite cold. Sir DONALD MACLEAN, by some odd process of +reasoning, came to the conclusion that the Government's decision would +be welcomed by all the enemies of capital, and announced his intention +of joining the Labour Party in the Lobby. + +_Wednesday, June 9th._--The Air Navigation Bill passed through +the usually serene atmosphere of the Upper House, but not without +encountering a certain number of "bumps." Lord MONTAGU, calling to +mind the nursery saying, "if pigs could fly," was alarmed by the +possibility that "air-hogs" might interfere with the amenities, and +might even endanger the lives, of earth-bound citizens by flying over +them at unduly low altitudes. He suggested two thousand feet as a +minimum. Lord LONDONDERRY resisted the Amendment on the ground that it +was difficult to gauge the height at which aircraft flew, and thought +few airmen would care to risk the penalties provided in the Bill--a +fine of two hundred pounds and six months' imprisonment--by indulging +a taste for forbidden stunts. + +At first blush you would hardly think it necessary to include the City +Corporation among the local authorities who may establish aerodromes. +The "one square mile" does not offer much encouragement to the airman +who wishes to make a safe landing. But you never can tell what may +happen. The "Old Lady of Threadneedle Street," who is said to be +contemplating an upward extension of her premises, may perhaps welcome +aeroplanes to her hospitable roof, and thereby give a new significance +to "banking" in the aviator's vocabulary. + +In the Commons the anomalous position produced by President WILSON's +undertaking to delimit the boundaries of Armenia, although his country +has refused to accept the mandate for its administration, elicited +from Mr. BONAR LAW the curious explanation that the invitation to +delimit was addressed to Mr. WILSON "in his personal capacity." But +when Mr. BOTTOMLEY sought further light on this phrase Mr. LAW was +unable or unwilling to supply it. He did, however, vouchsafe the +information that, whatever America might do, this country would not +add Armenia to its existing share of "the white man's burden." + +[Illustration: _Resourceful Spokesman of Picnic Party (anticipating +trouble)._ "DELIGHTED YOU WERE ABLE TO TURN UP! YOU DON'T MIND OUR +HAVING STARTED WITHOUT YOU?"] + +_Thursday, June 10th._--It seems a pity that since Count DE SALIS left +Montenegro and made his famous secret report the British Government +has had no representative in that distracted country. In the absence +of official information the most diverse descriptions of its present +state gain currency. According to Lord SYDENHAM the Serbians, who wish +to incorporate Montenegro in the new Jugo-Slavia, are taking every +step to intimidate their opponents (described as ninety per cent. +of the population) and have incidentally imprisoned a number of +ex-Ministers. Lord CURZON agreed that this was quite probable, +inasmuch as ex-Ministers bore a considerable ratio to the whole +population, but otherwise challenged Lord SYDENHAM's allegations. His +own information (source not named) was that the Montenegrin majority +was in favour of Yugo-Slav union. The debate confirmed the impression +that all statements emanating from the Black Mountain should be taken +_cum grano_ DE SALIS. + +In the Commons Mr. BONAR LAW was taking a day off, and, as usually +happens when the PRIME MINISTER is in charge, "a certain liveliness" +prevailed. The renewed offensive of General WRANGEL incited the +Bolshevist sympathisers to start one on their own account. An attempt +to move the adjournment was nipped in the bud by the SPEAKER. Colonel +WEDGWOOD made a gallant effort to usurp the functions of the Chair +by declaring that the matter was both definite and urgent; but Mr. +LOWTHER replied that unfortunately the decision rested with him and +not with the hon. Member. + +The House then settled down to business, and gave a Third Reading to +two Bills, and a Second Reading to five others. On the Women, Young +Persons and Children (Employment) Bill Mr. BARNES took exception, not +unnaturally, to a clause permitting "the employment of women and +young persons in shifts up to ten o'clock at night," and Major BAIRD +undertook to consider the withdrawal of this equivocal piece of +draftsmanship. + + * * * * * + + "'The time has come,' the walrus said, + 'To speak of many things: + Of shoes and ships and sealing-wax, + Of cabbages and kings.'--(O. Henry)." + + _Free State Paper._ + +Where did LEWIS CARROLL? Apparently not in the Free State. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Curate_ (_discussing the drink question_). "MIND YOU, +I'M FOND OF A GLASS OF BEER. MYSELF, BUT I CAN'T INDULGE. IT DOESN'T +AGREE WITH ME." + +_Rustic_ (_sympathetically_). "DEAR, DEAR! AIN'T THERE NO CURE?"] + + * * * * * + +THE FUTURE OF APSLEY HOUSE. + +CONFLICTING STATEMENTS. + +The possibility of a super-dancing-saloon being erected on the site of +Apsley House is, we fear, likely to be relegated to the limbo of lost +opportunities. + +It will be remembered that a few weeks ago London in general and the +West-End in particular was excited and delighted by the announcement +that Apsley House had been sold to an influential syndicate and +would shortly be converted into a massive and monumental block, +forty storeys high, crowned with the dancing-saloon and including +a concert-hall with the most powerful organ in the world, and +a swimming-bath with salt water conveyed by a special pipe from +Brighton. + +It will also be remembered that Mr. Chumpley Swope, the chairman of +the syndicate, issued a powerful manifesto in which he explained +the purely humanitarian motives of the enterprise--to obliterate +the militaristic associations of the site; to replace an unsightly +building by a fabric which would be one of the architectural glories +of London, and simultaneously to cheer the patients in St. George's +Hospital with the sounds of harmony by night. + +Unhappily the realisation of these beneficent and artistic designs +seems likely to be indefinitely postponed, to judge from the +authoritative statements made to our representative by Mr. Doremus +Pomerene, architect to the owners, and by Mr. Chumpley Swope himself. + +"There never was any idea," said Mr. Pomerene, "in the minds of +the present owners, Mr. Otis Flather and Mr. Virgil Onderdonk, +of converting the site of Apsley House to the uses of a +super-dancing-saloon. Mr. Flather is a convinced opponent of the +dancing mania and President of the Anti-Tarantulation League, while +Mr. Onderdonk has always been a profound admirer of the great Duke +of WELLINGTON. Subject to the approval of the present Duke it is our +intention to re-erect Apsley House on the Playing Fields at Eton, and +utilise the site for the building of flats for the New Poor." + +"The erection of a Neo-Georgian super-dancing-saloon on the Piccadilly +frontage of Apsley House," said Mr. Chumpley Swope, "has long been the +dearest dream of my heart. My first negotiations with Messrs. Shumway +and Prudden were conducted for the express purpose of facilitating the +realisation of this project. Moreover, when Mr. Flather joined me in +the purchase of the entire site his representative, Mr. Onderdonk, was +fully aware of my plans and expressed his cordial approval thereof. + +"Eventually my friends and I accepted offers made to us by Mr. Flather +whereby the entire site was vested in him, subject to an agreement +that the Piccadilly frontage to a depth of two hundred kilowatts +should be reserved for the erection of the dancing-saloon, the +concert-hall and the swimming-bath. + +"Owing however to the difficulties connected with the laying of the +pipe from Brighton and the unaccountable and irrational hostility +displayed by the Governing Body of St. George's Hospital the plan of +erecting this Temple of Terpsichore has fallen into abeyance and +the West-End is threatened with the loss of an educational asset of +incomparable value. I may add, however, that negotiations have been +opened with the Dean and Chapter of WESTMINSTER and that I do not +altogether despair of obtaining an alternative site and making a fresh +start with my plans for beautifying and humanising London." + + * * * * * + +Limitations. + + There was a young lady of Clacton + Whose knowledge was wide and exact on + Jazz, jumpers and plays + And the cinema craze; + But she never had heard of Lord Acton. + + * * * * * + + "'Obregon signed the flag as did others at the convention,' + said Villa. 'He kissed the mlag, and cried as he kissed it. + Then those who wanted to break the agreement stole the blag + with the signatures of the delegates." + + _American Paper._ + +This helps us a little to appreciate the confusion of Mexican +politics. + + * * * * * + +PERSISTENCE OF THE MILITARY. + +In pre-war days, when one's health was tested at the order of a +verbally polite but fundamentally distrustful insurance company, the +examination was a pleasant affair, conducted by a benign old gentleman +who behaved like one's own family physician. + +Now all that is changed. I lately took the liberty of offering to bet +a Company that I would not live for ever, in spite of my present rude +health. In reply I was invited "to meet our medical advisers at our +office." + +I arrived obediently at the appointed time and was ushered into a room +in which sat behind a table two elderly gentlemen of ultra-military +appearance. When, later, they addressed each other as "Colonel" and +"Major" I knew that they were civilian dug-outs militarised by the +War. + +Colonel drew himself up and spoke to me in a C.O. voice: "Well, what +is the general state of your health?" + +I felt that it was up to me to play the old war-game, even if it +ruined my chance of getting insured. I therefore started to enumerate +the various minor ailments from which I suffered. + +"To begin with," I explained, "I've sprained my wrist rather badly +and--" + +"That won't prevent your holding a rifle," interrupted Colonel +severely. + +"Then," I continued, "sometimes I have a headache." + +"Ah," said Major, "and I suppose when you run uphill your heart +palpitates like a pea in a drum?" + +"Yes," I replied quickly, "it does do that. How did you know?" + +Major laughed a laugh such as HINDENBURG himself might have delivered. +It was cold and mirthless and must have hurt his face. + +"Come," said Colonel sharply, "let's have no more of this humbug. +Drink and smoke less and keep yourself fit; and don't come whining +before us, complaining of this and that. A few route marches will soon +set you up." + +"But, seriously," I objected, "my health is not of the best and I +feel I ought to warn you that there are slight disabilities in my +constitution which----" + +"Which make you," interjected Major, "of course unfit to do your +duty." His voice was like steel wire and I hated him. + +"Very well, then," I answered calmly, "I will say no more." + +"You'd better not," roared Colonel. "It's no use your thinking you +can impose on us. I've marked you down A1. I'm sick to death of +you fellows who try to get behind a doctor directly your comfort is +threatened. That disposes of _your_ case. About--turn!" + +Mechanically I left their presence.... + +I don't know what the Insurance Company will make of it when they find +all their candidates passed as first-class lives. Somebody ought to +tell these doctors that the War is over. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER POST-OFFICE HOLD-UP. + +Our post-office is to be found taking cover in one corner of the +village's general shop. Poetically it may be described as between the +lard and the lingerie. In prose the most interesting thing to be said +of it is that I was there this morning. + +It was while I was buying a box of matches that the thought came to me +that I might as well enjoy myself thoroughly and have some stamps as +well. There was quite a crowd in the shop at the time, and we both +moved to the postal counter together. She, however, got in the first +word. + +"One stamp, please," she demanded, and went on, "You'll never guess +what I want it for." + +"Isn't it for a letter, then?" asked the post-mistress, as if, for +instance, stamps might be used for holding down the butter while the +bread is rubbed against it. + +"Yes, but who to? That's the point. Our George!" + +To me there did not seem much in this to cause a sensation, but it +did. Question and answer flew backwards and forwards as thick as +reminiscences at a regimental dinner. + +"Not young George?" + +"Yes, old George. We had a letter from him last week. First we'd heard +for six years." + +"Lordy, lordy," said the post-mistress, "it only seems yesterday that +he went away. I remember----" and she proved it by doing so for ten +minutes with a volubility that would have made the fortune of a patter +comedian. At the first sign of a pause I found the courage to ask for +my stamps, but quite in vain. The conversation was only getting its +second wind. + +"Young George, to be sure! And how is he? Tell me all about him." + +I gathered that George was in the best of health and in America, was +unmarried and umpired out in a recent baseball match and wanted----" +["A dozen stamps, please." This from me.] a photograph of the old +people and his brothers and sisters. From this the transition was +easy to an uncle of the post-mistress's who went----" ["A dozen +stamps."]--to foreign parts. He always was a rolling stone, he was. +Never gathered no moss. On the other hand, there were no flies on him. +Did very well for himself, he did, and when he died----" + +But it was at this point that the moisture from the margarine cask +against which I had been leaning began to make its presence felt, and, +stampless, I left the shop. + +At the edge of the village I met our policeman. + +"Go quickly," I implored him; "there's a hold-up at the post-office." + +Perhaps "quickly" is not quite the right word, but, at any rate, he +went. I doubt if he will get promotion over the job, but I am sure he +too will like to hear about our George, if there's anything left to +say by the time he gets there. + + * * * * * + +SOMETIMES. + + Some days are fairy days. The minute that you wake + You have a magic feeling that you never could mistake; + You may not see the fairies, but you know they're all about, + And any single minute they might all come popping out; + You want to laugh, you want to sing, you want to dance and run, + Everything is different, everything is fun; + The sky is full of fairy clouds, the streets are fairy ways-- + _Anything_ might happen on truly fairy days. + + Some nights are fairy nights. Before you go to bed + You hear their darling music go chiming in your head; + You look into the garden and through the misty grey + You see the trees all waiting in a breathless kind of way. + All the stars are smiling; they know that very soon + The fairies will come singing from the land behind the moon. + If only you could keep awake when Nurse puts out the light . . . + _Anything_ might happen on a truly fairy night. + + R. F. + + * * * * * + +"CRICKET. + +Little Snoring Ladies _v._ Little Snoring Lads."--_Local Paper._ + +This match was played in Norfolk and not, as you might have expected, +in Beds. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BROTHERHOOD OF MUSIC.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A CAST. + +_Ghillie._ "AY, SIR, THE FUSHERS ARE NO WHAT THEY WERE. YE'LL MAYBE NO +BELIEVE ME, BUT THERE WAS A MAN HERE LAST MONTH THAT HAD NAETHING BUT +A SUP O' COLD TEA IN HIS FLASK TO WET A FUSH WHEN HE CAUGHT YIN!"] + + * * * * * + +THE PARADISE OF BARDS. + +(_From an Oxford Correspondent._) + +Considerable resentment has been caused in various centres of poetic +activity by the preference recently expressed by the PRIME MINISTER +for the products of Welsh minstrelsy. In a letter addressed to HUW +MENAI, the working South Wales miner poet, Mr. LLOYD GEORGE declares +that he has read his poems with the "greatest delight." If the PREMIER +had merely said "great delight" no untoward consequences would have +ensued, but the invidious use of the superlative threatens to embroil +the whole country in that internecine war recently predicted by +the Editor of _The Athenaeum_ in his gloomy survey of Neo-Georgian +literature. + +Meetings of protest have been held in Hampstead, at Letchworth, +Stratford-on-Avon and the Eustace Miles Restaurant, but the most +remarkable and orderly of these demonstrations was that which took +place at Boar's Hill on Saturday last, under the presidency of the +POET LAUREATE. Boar's Hill, we need not remind our readers, is _par +excellence_ the fashionable intellectual suburb of Oxford, and has +been called the "Paradise of Bards." Dr. BRIDGES in a brief opening +address, speaking more in sorrow than in anger, dealt with the +statistical side of the question. He pointed out that of the residents +at Boar's Hill one in every six was a true poet, and three out of +every five were masters of the art of prosody. There were no miner +poets on Boar's Hill. Their motto was _Majora canamus_. + +Professor GILBERT MURRAY, who followed, laid stress on the perfect +harmony which reigned amongst the residents, in spite of the fact +that all schools of poetry were represented, from the austerest of +classicists to the most advanced exponents of Neo-Georgian _vers +libre_. They were a happy family, linked together by a common devotion +to the Muses, and in their daily output of verse showing a higher +unit of production than that recorded of any other community in either +hemisphere. + +Mr. JOHN MASEFIELD moved the only resolution, which was carried +unanimously, to the effect that Mr. FISHER, the Minister of Education, +should be requested to convey to the PRIME MINISTER the regret of the +meeting that he should have overlooked the paramount claim of Boar's +Hill to be regarded as the Parnassus of Great Britain. In _Murray's +Guide to Oxfordshire_ it had been spoken of as "a health resort for +jaded students," but that was an obsolete libel. Constitutionally +vigorous and daily refreshed by draughts from the pellucid springs +of the Pierides, they led a life of exuberant health, as the vital +statistics of the neighbourhood would abundantly show. On Boar's Hill +people began to write poetry earlier and continued to do so later than +in any other spot in the British Isles. + +Sir ARTHUR EVANS, in proposing a vote of thanks to the Chairman, made +the gratifying announcement that Mr. MASEFIELD was already engaged on +a companion poem to his "Reynard the Fox," commemorating the _genius +loci_ under the inspiring title of "The Sticking of the Pig." + + * * * * * + +A Very Free Translation. + +"'Have you come to make peace?' + +'_Nous verrons pour cela_ ('That is what we have come for),' replied +Krassin at once." + +_Daily Paper._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Martha_ (_to ancient spouse, who has narrowly escaped +being run over by passing car_). "AN' SERVE YER RIGHT TOO IF IT 'AD +A-KNOCKED YER. YER DU GO RACIN' A'EAD--NO SENSE."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Recent developments have given an unexpectedly topical interest to a +new book by Professor PAUL MILIUKOV, L.L.D., entitled _Bolshevism: an +International Danger_ (ALLEN AND UNWIN). The whole question of the _de +facto_ Government of Russia is so fiercely controversial that it is +not to be expected that such a work should escape violent criticism +from those for whom that Government can do no wrong, though the writer +justly claims that (however obvious his own views) he has striven to +be strictly fair to those of the enemy. The scheme of his work has +been "to trace the evolution of Bolshevism from an abstract doctrine +to a practical experiment." One may excusably find the history a grim +and menacing one. In the course of it Professor MILIUKOV tells again +the tragedy of the great betrayal (which it will do no one harm to +ponder upon just now), when the Commander of the 1st corps of the +Siberian Army reported: "A brilliant success crowned our efforts ... +there remained before us only a few fortifications, and the battle +might soon have taken the character of a complete destruction of the +enemy." But the work of M. LENIN had been too thorough; instead of a +victory that might have ended the War and saved thousands of lives, we +saw this already triumphant army, equipped through British industry, +melt into a disorganised rabble. Nor is the writer less interesting +on other aspects of his theme; in particular an exposition of the +notorious Third International and a survey of the present-moment +activities of Bolshevist propaganda, notably in our own country. No +one who wishes to read and keep for reference a clearly written and +understandable survey of the most urgent problem in modern politics +need go further than this short but highly concentrated study. + + * * * * * + +_The March to Paris and the Battle of the Marne, 1914_ (ARNOLD), by +Generaloberst ALEXANDER VON KLUCK, is more of a soldiers', indeed a +staff-officers', book than any that has appeared here from the other +side. It deals exclusively with the operations of the German right +wing, VON KLUCK'S own (first) army and his _liaison_ with the second +(VON BUeLOW'S), during the move forward to the Grand Morin, the allied +counter-offensive and the establishment of the line of the Aisne--that +is from the twelfth of August to the twelfth of September. The +principal army orders are given textually. An admirable map +illustrates each day's routes and billets for his first line and +second line troops, his cavalry and the extreme right of the second +army. VON KLUCK'S explanation of his breach of the Supreme Command's +orders and the manoeuvre which exposed him to MANOURY'S stroke was +that, while ignoring the letter, he was acting in the spirit of those +orders on the information available; that a pause to fulfil them +literally would have given the enemy time to recover; that defective +intelligence kept him ignorant of the fact that the German left and +centre had been definitely held by the French (if he had known this +he would not, he says, have crossed the Marne). An examination of the +frontispiece portrait suggests that this fighting General would +easily find excellent reason for disobeying other people's orders and +maintain an obstinate defence of his own decisions once made, however +disastrous in result. Notes by the historical section (military +branch) of the Committee of Imperial Defence point out inaccuracies +and contradictions which the lay reader would be unlikely to discover +for himself. He will however, if I mistake not, appreciate a soldierly +narrative, unspoiled by "political" parentheses or underestimation of +opponents, of what was undoubtedly a great military feat. The German +right wing covered the most ground and met perhaps the toughest of the +fighting. + + * * * * * + +I have found in _Lighting-up Time_ (COBDEN-SANDERSON) that all too +rare thing, a theatrical novel of which the vitality does not expire +towards the end of the fourth chapter. Obviously Mr. IVOR BROWN knows +the life of modern stageland, one would say, with the intimacy of +personal experience. More important still, he commands an easy style +and a flow of genial, not too esoteric, humour that combine to keep +the reader chuckling and curious to the last page. His title is +characteristic, _Lighting-up Time_ symbolising here that period in +the career of an actress when her possibly waning attractions need the +illumination of a judicious boom. The two main characters are +_Mary Maroon_, the leading lady, and _Peter Penruddock_, the astute +publicity agent who engages to set her upon her financial and artistic +pedestal. _Peter_, in other words, is _Mary's_ tide, taken at the +flood in chapter one, and leading her, very divertingly, on to +fortune. Both the tour of _Stolen or Strayed_ and the company that +present it are admirably true to life, while Mr. BROWN has even been +able convincingly to suggest the atmosphere of theatrical Oxford, when +in due course his mummers descend upon that home of lost comedies and +impossible revues. If I have a complaint against the book it is that a +tale of such pleasant irony hardly needed the general pairing-off with +which the author rings down his curtain; but for this Noah's Ark +I should have more easily believed in a story that entertained me +throughout. + + * * * * * + +There are some forty-odd bits in _A Bit at a Time_ (MILLS AND BOON), +and they embrace a variety of subjects, ranging from crocuses in +Kensington Gardens to corpse-boats on the Tigris. They are all, +whether sentimental, satirical or pathetic, fiction of the lightest +type. Such literature was eminently readable during the War--most +of Mr. DION CLAYTON CALTHROP'S bits have to do with somebody's +"bit"--when a touch of conventional pathos and pretended cynicism +and a generous padding of humour, real or forced, provided sufficient +relaxation from the strain of anxious hours. But the wisdom of +republishing them in book form in these sober days of peace is open to +question. When Mr. CALTHROP talks satirically of "perfect officials" +or of an earnest young American aviator who writes letters home in +a United States dialect that was never heard on land or sea outside +Bayswater, or of the war-time adventures of one _Mr. Mason_, skipper, +and _Mr. Smith_, his mate, he is tolerably amusing. When he becomes +serious, as in "The Prayer of the Classical Parson" and "When the Son +Came Home," his limitations become increasingly apparent. Yet it is +in this vein that he gives us what is by all odds his best bit, "The +Chevalier of Carnaby Row." When he writes of Cupids and fauns and +Columbines and rose-leaves and the sort of young females that find +this environment congenial (in books) I like Mr. CALTHROP least. +Perhaps it is because the publishers have put his picture on the paper +cover. He looks much too stalwart and sophisticated to be toying with +such gossamer fantasies. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LIFE'S LITTLE ANOMALIES. + +HOW MANY THOUSANDS OF POUNDS HAVE BEEN OFFERED TO CARPENTER AND +DEMPSEY TO FIGHT, AND NOW HERE IS A KIND OLD LADY GIVING TWO BOYS +SIXPENCE EACH IF THEY'LL PROMISE _NOT_ TO.] + + * * * * * + +I doubt whether the complications which attend the devolution of dead +men's property were created for the confusion of survivors or for the +convenience of novelists. In the case of _The Lost Mr. Linthwaite_ +(HODDER AND STOUGHTON), _Mrs. Byfield_ had married _Mr. Byfield_, or +at least she thought she had, and _Mr. Byfield_ had died, supposedly +intestate. Previously _Mrs. Byfield_ had married _Mr. Melsome_, or +again she thought she had, and _Mr. Melsome_ had disappeared and was +assumed to be dead, leaving nothing behind him except a brother as +vile as himself. The following discoveries were made by her in due +sequence: That _Mr. Melsome_ was not dead and that therefore she was +not _Mrs. Byfield_ but _Mrs. Melsome_; that _Mr. Melsome_ was already +married when he purported to marry her, and that therefore she was not +_Mrs. Melsome_ but _Mrs. Byfield_; and that a solicitor's clerk was +absconding with the bulk of the _Byfield_ estate, which, of course, +was what the bother was all about. Her son, bitten with the craze for +discoveries, then discovered on his own that the late _Mr. Byfield_ +hadn't died intestate. I wonder myself if he ever really died at +all.... These are what Mr. J. S. FLETCHER very aptly calls the mere +legalities; the plot, which thickens and thickens from first page to +last, concerns the handling of them by the evil but talented _Melsome_ +brothers, the accidental intervention of _Mr. Linthwaite_, and the +rescue work of his admirable nephew, _Mr. Richard Brixey_, of _The +Morning Sentinel_. Mr. FLETCHER tells his story well, but up to the +very last moment I was looking and hoping for a surprise and was +suspecting those legalities of being a deception invented to make +the surprise all the greater. A first-class adventure, in my opinion +spoilt by the sacrifice of originality to technicality. + + * * * * * + + "The girls, to the number of 116, escaped in their night + attire, and displayed great coolness."--_News of the World._ + +Very natural. + + * * * * * + + "Baron Evence Coppee, a Belgian, has been arrested on + the charge of furnishing coal to the enemy during the + war."--_Daily Paper._ + +With a name like that the copper could hardly miss him. + + * * * * * + + "Sir Robert is now satisfied, I understand, that there + is considerable merit in the adage 'all comes to he who + waits.'"--_Daily Paper._ + +SIR ROBERT seems easily pleased. + + * * * * * + + "ORCHESTRA (small), or few Instrumentalists, for sea-handling + Margarine and Butter in up-to-date style."--_Advt. in + Provincial Paper._ + +But we fear that some of the stuff met with nowadays would "beat the +band." + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +158, June 16, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 32080.txt or 32080.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/2/0/8/32080/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Lesley Halamek, +Jonathan Ingram and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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