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diff --git a/old/mtext10.txt b/old/mtext10.txt deleted file mode 100644 index e74405a..0000000 --- a/old/mtext10.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2964 +0,0 @@ -Project Gutenberg Etext Those Extraordinary Twins, by Mark Twain -#46 in our series by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) - -Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check -the laws for your country before redistributing these files!!! - -Please take a look at the important information in this header. -We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an -electronic path open for the next readers. - -Please do not remove this. - -This should be the first thing seen when anyone opens the book. -Do not change or edit it without written permission. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.12.12.00*END* - - - - - -This etext was produced by David Widger <widger@cecomet.net> - - - - - -Those Extraordinary Twins - -by Mark Twain - - - - -A man who is born with the novel-writing gift has a troublesome time of -it when he tries to build a novel. I know this from experience. He has -no clear idea of his story; in fact he has no story. He merely has some -people in his mind, and an incident or two, also a locality. He knows -these people, he knows the selected locality, and he trusts that he can -plunge those people into those incidents with interesting results. So he -goes to work. To write a novel? No--that is a thought which comes -later; in the beginning he is only proposing to tell a little tale; a -very little tale; a six-page tale. But as it is a tale which he is not -acquainted with, and can only find out what it is by listening as it goes -along telling itself, it is more than apt to go on and on and on till it -spreads itself into a book. I know about this, because it has happened -to me so many times. - -And I have noticed another thing: that as the short tale grows into the -long tale, the original intention (or motif) is apt to get abolished and -find itself superseded by a quite different one. It was so in the case -of a magazine sketch which I once started to write--a funny and fantastic -sketch about a prince and a pauper; it presently assumed a grave cast of -its own accord, and in that new shape spread itself out into a book. -Much the same thing happened with "Pudd'nhead Wilson." I had a -sufficiently hard time with that tale, because it changed itself from a -farce to a tragedy while I was going along with it--a most embarrassing -circumstance. But what was a great deal worse was, that it was not one -story, but two stories tangled together; and they obstructed and -interrupted each other at every turn and created no end of confusion and -annoyance. I could not offer the book for publication, for I was afraid -it would unseat the reader's reason. I did not know what was the matter -with it, for I had not noticed, as yet, that it was two stories in one. -It took me months to make that discovery. I carried the manuscript back -and forth across the Atlantic two or three times, and read it and studied -over it on shipboard; and at last I saw where the difficulty lay. I had -no further trouble. I pulled one of the stories out by the roots, and -left the other one--a kind of literary Caesarean operation. - -Would the reader care to know something about the story which I pulled -out? He has been told many a time how the born-and-trained novelist -works. Won't he let me round and complete his knowledge by telling him -how the jack-leg does it? - -Originally the story was called "Those Extraordinary Twins." I meant to -make it very short. I had seen a picture of a youthful Italian "freak" -or "freaks" which was--or which were--on exhibition in our cities--a -combination consisting of two heads and four arms joined to a single body -and a single pair of legs--and I thought I would write an extravagantly -fantastic little story with this freak of nature for hero--or heroes-- -a silly young miss for heroine, and two old ladies and two boys for the -minor parts. I lavishly elaborated these people and their doings, of -course. But the tale kept spreading along, and spreading along, and -other people got to intruding themselves and taking up more and more room -with their talk and their affairs. Among them came a stranger named -Pudd'nhead Wilson, and a woman named Roxana; and presently the doings of -these two pushed up into prominence a young fellow named Tom Driscoll, -whose proper place was away in the obscure background. Before the book -was half finished those three were taking things almost entirely into -their own hands and working the whole tale as a private venture of their -own--a tale which they had nothing at all to do with, by rights. - -When the book was finished and I came to look around to see what had -become of the team I had originally started out with--Aunt Patsy Cooper, -Aunt Betsy Hale, the two boys, and Rowena the light-weight heroine--they -were nowhere to be seen; they had disappeared from the story some time or -other. I hunted about and found them found them stranded, idle, -forgotten, and permanently useless. It was very awkward. It was awkward -all around; but more particularly in the case of Rowena, because there -was a love-match on, between her and one of the twins that constituted -the freak, and I had worked it up to a blistering heat and thrown in a -quite dramatic love-quarrel, wherein Rowena scathingly denounced her -betrothed for getting drunk, and scoffed at his explanation of how it had -happened, and wouldn't listen to it, and had driven him from her in the -usual "forever" way; and now here she sat crying and broken-hearted; for -she had found that he had spoken only the truth; that it was not he, but -the other half of the freak, that had drunk the liquor that made him -drunk; that her half was a prohibitionist and had never drunk a drop in -his life, and, although tight as a brick three days in the week, was -wholly innocent of blame; and indeed, when sober, was constantly doing -all he could to reform his brother, the other half, who never got any -satisfaction out of drinking, anyway, because liquor never affected him. -Yes, here she was, stranded with that deep injustice of hers torturing -her poor torn heart. - -I didn't know what to do with her. I was as sorry for her as anybody -could be, but the campaign was over, the book was finished, she was -sidetracked, and there was no possible way of crowding her in, anywhere. -I could not leave her there, of course; it would not do. After spreading -her out so, and making such a to-do over her affairs, it would be -absolutely necessary to account to the reader for her. I thought and -thought and studied and studied; but I arrived at nothing. I finally saw -plainly that there was really no way but one--I must simply give her the -grand bounce. It grieved me to do it, for after associating with her so -much I had come to kind of like her after a fashion, notwithstanding she -was such an ass and said such stupid irritating things and was so -nauseatingly sentimental. Still it had to be done. So, at the top of -Chapter XVII, I put in a "Calendar" remark concerning July Fourth, and -began the chapter with this statistic: - -"Rowena went out in the back yard after supper to see the fireworks and -fell down the well and got drowned." - -It seemed abrupt, but I thought maybe the reader wouldn't notice it, -because I changed the subject right away to something else. Anyway it -loosened up Rowena from where she was stuck and got her out of the way, -and that was the main thing. It seemed a prompt good way of weeding out -people that had got stalled, and a plenty good enough way for those -others; so I hunted up the two boys and said "they went out back one -night to stone the cat and fell down the well and got drowned." Next I -searched around and found old Aunt Patsy Cooper and Aunt Betsy Hale where -they were aground, and said "they went out back one night to visit the -sick and fell down the well and got drowned." I was going to drown some -of the others, but I gave up the idea, partly because I believed that if -I kept that up it would arouse attention, and perhaps sympathy with those -people, and partly because it was not a large well and would not hold any -more anyway. - -Still the story was unsatisfactory. Here was a set of new characters who -were become inordinately prominent and who persisted in remaining so to -the end; and back yonder was an older set who made a large noise and a -great to-do for a little while and then suddenly played out utterly and -fell down the well. There was a radical defect somewhere, and I must -search it out and cure it. - -The defect turned out to be the one already spoken of--two stories in -one, a farce and a tragedy. So I pulled out the farce and left the -tragedy. This left the original team in, but only as mere names, not as -characters. Their prominence was wholly gone; they were not even worth -drowning; so I removed that detail. Also I took those twins apart and -made two separate men of them. They had no occasion to have foreign -names now, but it was too much trouble to remove them all through, so I -left them christened as they were and made no explanation. - - - - - - -CHAPTER I - -THE TWINS AS THEY REALLY WERE - -The conglomerate twins were brought on the the stage in Chapter I of the -original extravaganza. Aunt Patsy Cooper has received their letter -applying for board and lodging, and Rowena, her daughter, insane with -joy, is begging for a hearing of it: - -"Well, set down then, and be quiet a minute and don't fly around so; it -fairly makes me tired to see you. It starts off so: 'HONORED MADAM'--" - -"I like that, ma, don't you? It shows they're high-bred." - -"Yes, I noticed that when I first read it. 'My brother and I have seen -your advertisement, by chance, in a copy of your local journal--' - -"It's so beautiful and smooth, ma-don't you think so?" - -"Yes, seems so to me--'and beg leave to take the room you offer. We are -twenty-four years of age, and twins--'" - -"Twins ! How sweet! I do hope they are handsome, and I just know they -are! Don't you hope they are, ma?" - -"Land, I ain't particular. 'We are Italians by birth--'" - -"It's so romantic! Just think there's never been one in this town, and -everybody will want to see them, and they're all ours! Think of that!" - -"--'but have lived long in the various countries of Europe, and several -years in the United States.'" - -"Oh, just think what wonders they've seen, ma! Won't it be good to hear -them talk?" - -"I reckon so; yes, I reckon so. 'Our names are Luigi and Angelo Capello- --'" - -"Beautiful, perfectly beautiful! Not like Jones and Robinson and those -horrible names." - -"'You desire but one guest, but dear madam, if you will allow us to pay -for two we will not discommode you. We will sleep together in the same -bed. We have always been used to this, and prefer it. And then he goes -on to say they will be down Thursday." - -"And this is Tuesday--I don't know how I'm ever going to wait, ma! The -time does drag along so, and I'm so dying to see them! Which of them do -you reckon is the tallest, ma?" - -"How do you s'pose I can tell, child? Mostly they are the same -size-twins are." - -"'Well then, which do you reckon is the best looking?" - -"Goodness knows--I don't." - -"I think Angelo is; it's the prettiest name, anyway. Don't you think -it's a sweet name, ma?" - -"Yes, it's well enough. I'd like both of them better if I knew the way -to pronounce them--the Eyetalian way, I mean. The Missouri way and the -Eyetalian way is different, I judge." - -"Maybe--yes. It's Luigi that writes the letter. What do you reckon is -the reason Angelo didn't write it?" - -"Why, how can I tell? What's the difference who writes it, so long as -it's done?" - -"Oh, I hope it wasn't because he is sick! You don't think he is sick, do -you, ma?" - -"Sick your granny; what's to make him sick?" - -"Oh, there's never any telling. These foreigners with that kind of names -are so delicate, and of course that kind of names are not suited to our -climate--you wouldn't expect it." - - -[And so-on and so-on, no end. The time drags along; Thursday comes: the -boat arrives in a pouring storm toward midnight.] - - -At last there was a knock at the door and the anxious family jumped to -open it. Two negro men entered, each carrying a trunk, and proceeded -upstairs toward the guest-room. Then followed a stupefying apparition-- -a double-headed human creature with four arms, one body, and a single -pair of legs! It--or they, as you please--bowed with elaborate foreign -formality, but the Coopers could not respond immediately; they were -paralyzed. At this moment there came from the rear of the group a -fervent ejaculation--"My lan'!"--followed by a crash of crockery, and the -slave-wench Nancy stood petrified and staring, with a tray of wrecked -tea-things at her feet. The incident broke the spell, and brought the -family to consciousness. The beautiful heads of the new-comer bowed -again, and one of them said with easy grace and dignity: - -"I crave the honor, madam and miss, to introduce to you my brother, Count -Luigi Capello," (the other head bowed) "and myself--Count Angelo; and at -the same time offer sincere apologies for the lateness of our coming, -which was unavoidable," and both heads bowed again. - -The poor old lady was in a whirl of amazement and confusion, but she -managed to stammer out: - -"I'm sure I'm glad to make your acquaintance, sir--I mean, gentlemen. -As for the delay, it is nothing, don't mention it. This is my daughter -Rowena, sir--gentlemen. Please step into the parlor and sit down and -have a bite and sup; you are dreadful wet and must be uncomfortable-- -both of you, I mean." - -But to the old lady's relief they courteously excused themselves, saying -it would be wrong to keep the family out of their beds longer; then each -head bowed in turn and uttered a friendly good night, and the singular -figure moved away in the wake of Rowena's small brothers, who bore -candles, and disappeared up the stairs. - -The widow tottered into the parlor and sank into a chair with a gasp, -and Rowena followed, tongue-tied and dazed. The two sat silent in the -throbbing summer heat unconscious of the million-voiced music of the -mosquitoes, unconscious of the roaring gale, the lashing and thrashing of -the rain along the windows and the roof, the white glare of the -lightning, the tumultuous booming and bellowing of the thunder; conscious -of nothing but that prodigy, that uncanny apparition that had come and -gone so suddenly--that weird strange thing that was so soft-spoken and so -gentle of manner and yet had shaken them up like an earthquake with the -shock of its gruesome aspect. At last a cold little shudder quivered -along down the widow's meager frame and she said in a weak voice: - -"Ugh, it was awful just the mere look of that phillipene!" - -Rowena did not answer. Her faculties were still caked; she had not yet -found her voice. Presently the widow said, a little resentfully: - -"Always been used to sleeping together--in-fact, prefer it. And I was -thinking it was to accommodate me. I thought it was very good of them, -whereas a person situated as that young man is--" - -"Ma, you oughtn't to begin by getting up a prejudice against him. -I'm sure he is good-hearted and means well. Both of his faces show it." - -"I'm not so certain about that. The one on the left--I mean the one on -it's left--hasn't near as good a face, in my opinion, as its brother." - -"That's Luigi." - -"Yes, Luigi; anyway it's the dark-skinned one; the one that was west of -his brother when they stood in the door. Up to all kinds of mischief and -disobedience when he was a boy, I'll be bound. I lay his mother had -trouble to lay her hand on him when she wanted him. But the one on the -right is as good as gold, I can see that." - -"That's Angelo." - -"Yes, Angelo, I reckon, though I can't tell t'other from which by their -names, yet awhile. But it's the right-hand one--the blond one. He has -such kind blue eyes, and curly copper hair and fresh complexion--" - -"And such a noble face!--oh, it is a noble face, ma, just royal, you may -say! And beautiful deary me, how beautiful! But both are that; the dark -one's as beautiful as--a picture. There's no such wonderful faces and -handsome heads in this town none that even begin. And such hands, -especially Angelo's--so shapely and--" - -"Stuff, how could you tell which they belonged to?--they had gloves on." - -"Why, didn't I see them take off their hats?" - -"That don't signify. They might have taken off each other's hats. -Nobody could tell. There was just a wormy squirming of arms in the air ---seemed to be a couple of dozen of them, all writhing at once, and it -just made me dizzy to see them go." - -"Why, ma, I hadn't any difficulty. There's two arms on each shoulder--" - -"There, now. One arm on each shoulder belongs to each of the creatures, -don't it? For a person to have two arms on one shoulder wouldn't do him -any good, would it? Of course not. Each has an arm on each shoulder. -Now then, you tell me which of them belongs to which, if you can. They -don't know, themselves--they just work whichever arm comes handy. Of -course they do; especially if they are in a hurry and can't stop to think -which belongs to which." - -The mother seemed to have the rights of the argument, so the daughter -abandoned the struggle. Presently the widow rose with a yawn and said: - -"Poor thing, I hope it won't catch cold; it was powerful wet, just -drenched, you may say. I hope it has left its boots outside, so they can -be dried." - -Then she gave a little start, and looked perplexed. - -"Now I remember I heard one of them ask Joe to call him at half after -seven--I think it was the one on the left--no, it was the one to the east -of the other one--but I didn't hear the other one say any thing. I -wonder if he wants to be called too. Do you reckon it's too late to -ask?" - -"Why, ma, it's not necessary. Calling one is calling both. If one gets -up, the other's got to." - -"Sho, of course; I never thought of that. Well, come along, maybe we can -get some sleep, but I don't know, I'm so shook up with what we've been -through." - -The stranger had made an impression on the boys, too. They had a word of -talk as they were getting to bed. Henry, the gentle, the humane, said: - -"I feel ever so sorry for it, don't you, Joe?" - -But Joe was a boy of this world, active, enterprising, and had a -theatrical side to him: - -"Sorry? Why, how you talk! It can't stir a step without attracting -attention. It's just grand!" - -Henry said,, reproachfully: - -"Instead of pitying it, Joe, you talk as if--" - -"Talk as if what? I know one thing mighty certain: if you can fix me so -I can eat for two and only have to stub toes for one, I ain't going to -fool away no such chance just for sentiment." - -The twins were wet and tired, and they proceeded to undress without-any -preliminary remarks. The abundance of sleeve made the partnership coat -hard to get off, for it was like skinning a tarantula; but it came at -last, after much tugging and perspiring. The mutual vest followed. Then -the brothers stood up before the glass, and each took off his own cravat -and collar. The collars were of the standing kind, and came high up -under the ears, like the sides of a wheelbarrow, as required by the -fashion of the day. The cravats were as broad as a bank-bill, with -fringed ends which stood far out to right and left like the wings of a -dragon-fly, and this also was strictly in accordance with the fashion of -the time. Each cravat, as to color, was in perfect taste, so far as its -owner's complexion was concerned--a delicate pink, in the case of the -blond brother, a violent scarlet in the case of the brunette--but as a -combination they broke all the laws of taste known to civilization. -Nothing more fiendish and irreconcilable than those shrieking and -blaspheming colors could have been contrived, The wet boots gave no end -of trouble--to Luigi. When they were off at last, Angelo said, with -bitterness: - -"I wish you wouldn't wear such tight boots, they hurt my feet." - -Luigi answered with indifference: - -"My friend, when I am in command of our body, I choose my apparel -according to my own convenience, as I have remarked more than several -times already. When you are in command, I beg you will do as you -please." - -Angelo was hurt, and the tears came into his eyes. There was gentle -reproach in his voice, but, not anger, when he replied: - -"Luigi, I often consult your wishes, but you never consult mine. When I -am in command I treat you as a guest; I try to make you feel at home; -when you are in command you treat me as an intruder, you make me feel -unwelcome. It embarrasses me cruelly in company, for I can, see that -people notice it and comment on it." - -"Oh, damn the people," responded the brother languidly, and with the air -of one who is tired of the subject. - -A slight shudder shook the frame of Angelo, but he said nothing and the -conversation ceased. Each buttoned his own share of the nightshirt in -silence; then Luigi, with Paine's Age of Reason in his hand, sat down in -one chair and put his feet in another and lit his pipe, while Angelo took -his Whole Duty of Man, and both began to read. Angelo presently began to -cough; his coughing increased and became mixed with gaspings for breath, -and he was finally obliged to make an appeal to his brother's humanity: - -"Luigi, if you would only smoke a little milder tobacco, I am sure I -could learn not to mind it in time, but this is so strong, and the pipe -is so rank that--" - -"Angelo, I wouldn't be such a baby! I have learned to smoke in a week, -and the trouble is already over with me; if you would try, you could -learn too, and then you would stop spoiling my comfort with your -everlasting complaints." - -"Ah, brother, that is a strong word--everlasting --and isn't quite fair. -I only complain when I suffocate; you know I don't complain when we are -in the open air." - -"Well, anyway, you could learn to smoke yourself." - -"But my principles, Luigi, you forget my principles. You would not have -me do a thing which I regard as a sin?" - -"Oh, bosh!" - -The conversation ceased again, for Angelo was sick and discouraged and -strangling; but after some time he closed his book and asked Luigi to -sing "From Greenland's Icy Mountains" with him, but he would not, and -when he tried to sing by himself Luigi did his best to drown his -plaintive tenor with a rude and rollicking song delivered in a thundering -bass. - -After the singing there was silence, and neither brother was happy. -Before blowing the light out Luigi swallowed half a tumbler of whisky, -and Angelo, whose sensitive organization could not endure intoxicants of -any kind, took a pill to keep it from giving him the headache. - - - - -CHAPTER II - -MA COOPER GETS ALL MIXED UP - -The family sat in the breakfast-room waiting for the twins to come down. -The widow was quiet, the daughter was alive with happy excitement. She -said: - -"Ah, they're a boon, ma, just a boon! don't you think so?" - -"Laws, I hope so, I don't know." - -"Why, ma, yes you do. They're so fine and handsome, and high-bred and -polite, so every way superior to our gawks here in this village; why, -they'll make life different from what it was--so humdrum and commonplace, -you know--oh, you may be sure they're full of accomplishments, and -knowledge of the world, and all that, that will be an immense advantage -to society here. Don't you think so, ma?" - -"Mercy on me, how should I know, and I've hardly set eyes on them yet." -After a pause she added, "They made considerable noise after they went -up." - -"Noise? Why, ma, they were singing! And it was beautiful, too." - -"Oh, it was well enough, but too mixed-up, seemed to me." - -"Now, ma, honor bright, did you ever hear 'Greenland's Icy Mountains' -sung sweeter--now did you?" - -"If it had been sung by itself, it would have been uncommon sweet, I -don't deny it; but what they wanted to mix it up with 'Old Bob Ridley' -for, I can't make out. Why, they don't go together, at all. They are -not of the same nature. 'Bob Ridley' is a common rackety slam-bang -secular song, one of the rippingest and rantingest and noisiest there is. -I am no judge of music, and I don't claim it, but in my opinion nobody -can make those two songs go together right." - -"Why, ma, I thought--" - -"It don't make any difference what you thought, it can't be done. They -tried it, and to my mind it was a failure. I never heard such a crazy -uproar; seemed to me, sometimes, the roof would come off; and as for the -cats--well, I've lived a many a year, and seen cats aggravated in more -ways than one, but I've never seen cats take on the way they took on last -night." - -"Well, I don't think that that goes for anything, ma, because it is the -nature of cats that any sound that is unusual--" - -"Unusual! You may well call it so. Now if they are going to sing duets -every night, I do hope they will both sing the same tune at the same -time, for in my opinion a duet that is made up of two different tunes is -a mistake; especially when the tunes ain't any kin to one another, that -way." - -"But, ma, I think it must be a foreign custom; and it must be right too; -and the best way, because they have had every opportunity to know what is -right, and it don't stand to reason that with their education they would -do anything but what the highest musical authorities have sanctioned. -You can't help but admit that, ma." - -The argument was formidably strong; the old lady could not find any way -around it; so, after thinking it over awhile she gave in with a sigh of -discontent, and admitted that the daughter's position was probably -correct. Being vanquished, she had no mind to continue the topic at that -disadvantage, and was about to seek a change when a change came of -itself. A footstep was heard on the stairs, and she said: - -"There-he's coming!" - -"They, ma--you ought to say they--it's nearer right." - -The new lodger, rather shoutingly dressed but looking superbly handsome, -stepped with courtly carnage into the trim little breakfast-room and put -out all his cordial arms at once, like one of those pocket-knives with a -multiplicity of blades, and shook hands with the whole family -simultaneously. He was so easy and pleasant and hearty that all -embarrassment presently thawed away and disappeared, and a cheery feeling -of friendliness and comradeship took its place. He--or preferably they ---were asked to occupy the seat of honor at the foot of the table. They -consented with thanks, and carved the beefsteak with one set of their -hands while they distributed it at the same time with the other set. - -"Will you have coffee, gentlemen, or tea?" - -"Coffee for Luigi, if you please, madam, tea for me." - -"Cream and sugar?" - -"For me, yes, madam; Luigi takes his coffee, black. Our natures differ a -good deal from each other, and our tastes also." - -The first time the negro girl Nancy appeared in the door and saw the two -heads turned in opposite directions and both talking at once, then saw -the commingling arms feed potatoes into one mouth and coffee into the -other at the same time, she had to pause and pull herself out of a -faintness that came over her; but after that she held her grip and was -able to wait on the table with fair courage. - -Conversation fell naturally into the customary grooves. It was a little -jerky, at first, because none of the family could get smoothly through a -sentence without a wabble in it here and a break there, caused by some -new surprise in the way of attitude or gesture on the part of the twins. -The weather suffered the most. The weather was all finished up and -disposed of, as a subject, before the simple Missourians had gotten -sufficiently wonted to the spectacle of one body feeding two heads to -feel composed and reconciled in the presence of so bizarre a miracle. -And even after everybody's mind became tranquilized there was still one -slight distraction left: the hand that picked up a biscuit carried it to -the wrong head, as often as any other way, and the wrong mouth devoured -it. This was a puzzling thing, and marred the talk a little. It -bothered the widow to such a degree that she presently dropped out of the -conversation without knowing it, and fell to watching and guessing and -talking to herself: - -"Now that hand is going to take that coffee to no, it's gone to the other -mouth; I can't understand it; and how, here is the dark-complected hand -with a potato in its fork, I'll see what goes with it--there, the -light-complected head's got it, as sure as I live!" - -Finally Rowena said: - -"Ma, what is the matter with you? Are you dreaming about something?" - -The old lady came to herself and blushed; then she explained with the -first random thing that came into her mind: "I saw Mr. Angelo take up Mr. -Luigi's coffee, and I thought maybe he--sha'n't I give you a cup, Mr. -Angelo?" - -"Oh no, madam, I am very much obliged, but I never drink coffee, much as -I would like to. You did see me take up Luigi's cup, it is true, but if -you noticed, I didn't carry it to my mouth, but to his." - -"Y-es, I thought you did: Did you mean to?" - -"How?" - -The widow was a little embarrassed again. She said: - -"I don't know but what I'm foolish, and you mustn't mind; but you see, -he got the coffee I was expecting to see you drink, and you got a potato -that I thought he was going to get. So I thought it might be a mistake -all around, and everybody getting what wasn't intended for him." - -Both twins laughed and Luigi said: - -"Dear madam, there wasn't any mistake. We are always helping each other -that way. It is a great economy for us both; it saves time and labor. -We have a system of signs which nobody can notice or understand but -ourselves. If I am using both my hands and want some coffee, I make the -sign and Angelo furnishes it to me; and you saw that when he needed a -potato I delivered it." - -"How convenient!" - -"Yes, and often of the extremest value. Take the Mississippi boats, for -instance. They are always overcrowded. There is table-room for only -half of the passengers, therefore they have to set a second table for the -second half. The stewards rush both parties, they give them no time to -eat a satisfying meal, both divisions leave the table hungry. It isn't -so with us. Angelo books himself for the one table, I book myself for -the other. Neither of us eats anything at the other's table, but just -simply works--works. Thus, you see there are four hands to feed Angelo, -and the same four to feed me. Each of us eats two meals." - -The old lady was dazed with admiration, and kept saying, "It is perfectly -wonderful, perfectly wonderful" and the boy Joe licked his chops -enviously, but said nothing--at least aloud. - -"Yes," continued Luigi, "our construction may have its disadvantages--in -fact, has but it also has its compensations of one sort and another. Take -travel, for instance. Travel is enormously expensive, in all countries; -we have been obliged to do a vast deal of it--come, Angelo, don't put any -more sugar in your tea, I'm just over one indigestion and don't want -another right away--been obliged to do a deal of it, as I was saying. -Well, we always travel as one person, since we occupy but one seat; so we -save half the fare." - -"How romantic!" interjected Rowena, with effusion. - -"Yes, my dear young lady, and how practical too, and economical. In -Europe, beds in the hotels are not charged with the board, but -separately--another saving, for we stood to our rights and paid for the -one bed only. The landlords often insisted that as both of us occupied -the bed we ought--" - -"No, they didn't," said Angelo. "They did it only twice, and in both -cases it was a double bed--a rare thing in Europe--and the double bed -gave them some excuse. Be fair to the landlords; twice doesn't -constitute 'often.'" - -"Well, that depends--that depends. I knew a man who fell down a well -twice. He said he didn't mind the first time, but he thought the second -time was once too often. Have I misused that word, Mrs. Cooper?" - -"To tell the truth, I was afraid you had, but it seems to look, now, like -you hadn't." She stopped, and was evidently struggling with the -difficult problem a moment, then she added in the tone of one who is -convinced without being converted, "It seems so, but I can't somehow tell -why." - -Rowena thought Luigi's retort was wonderfully quick and bright, and she -remarked to herself with satisfaction that there wasn't any young native -of Dawson's Landing that could have risen to the occasion like that. -Luigi detected the applause in her face, and expressed his pleasure and -his thanks with his eyes; and so eloquently withal, that the girl was -proud and pleased, and hung out the delicate sign of it on her cheeks. -Luigi went on, with animation: - -"Both of us get a bath for one ticket, theater seat for one ticket, -pew-rent is on the same basis, but at peep-shows we pay double." - -"We have much to' be thankful for," said Angelo, impressively, with a -reverent light in his eye and a reminiscent tone in his voice, "we have -been greatly blessed. As a rule, what one of us has lacked, the other, -by the bounty of Providence, has been able to supply. My brother is -hardy, I am not; he is very masculine, assertive, aggressive; I am much -less so. I am subject to illness, he is never ill. I cannot abide -medicines, and cannot take them, but he has no prejudice against them, -and--" - -"Why, goodness gracious," interrupted the widow, "when you are sick, does -he take the medicine for you?" - -"Always, madam." - -"Why, I never heard such a thing in my life! I think it's beautiful of -you." - -"Oh, madam, it's nothing, don't mention it, it's really nothing at all." - -"But I say it's beautiful, and I stick to it!" cried the widow, with a -speaking moisture in her eye. - -"A well brother to take the medicine for his poor sick brother--I wish I -had such a son," and she glanced reproachfully at her boys. "I declare -I'll never rest till I've shook you by the hand," and she scrambled out -of her chair in a fever of generous enthusiasm, and made for the twins, -blind with her tears, and began to shake. The boy Joe corrected her: -"You're shaking the wrong one, ma." - -This flurried her, but she made a swift change and went on shaking. - -"Got the wrong one again, ma," said the boy. - -"Oh, shut up, can't you!" said the widow, embarrassed and irritated. -"Give me all your hands, I want to shake them all; for I know you are -both just as good as you can be." - -It was a victorious thought, a master-stroke of diplomacy, though that -never occurred to her and she cared nothing for diplomacy. She shook the -four hands in turn cordially, and went back to her place in a state of -high and fine exultation that made her look young and handsome. - -"Indeed I owe everything to Luigi," said Angelo, affectionately. -"But for him I could not have survived our boyhood days, when we were -friendless and poor--ah, so poor! We lived from hand to mouth-lived on -the coarse fare of unwilling charity, and for weeks and weeks together -not a morsel of food passed my lips, for its character revolted me and I -could not eat it. But for Luigi I should have died. He ate for us -both." - -"How noble!" sighed Rowena. - -"Do you hear that?" said the widow, severely, to her boys. "Let it be an -example to you--I mean you, Joe." - -Joe gave his head a barely perceptible disparaging toss and said: "Et for -both. It ain't anything I'd 'a' done it." - -"Hush, if you haven't got any better manners than that. You don't see -the point at all. It wasn't good food." - -"I don't care--it was food, and I'd 'a' et it if it was rotten." - -"Shame! Such language ! Can't you understand? They were starving- -actually starving--and he ate for both, and--" - -"Shucks! you gimme a chance and I'll--" - -"There, now--close your head! and don't you open it again till you're -asked." - - [Angelo goes on and tells how his parents the Count and Countess had - to fly from Florence for political reasons, and died poor in Berlin - bereft of their great property by confiscation; and how he and Luigi - had to travel with a freak-show during two years and suffer - semi-starvation.] - -"That hateful black-bread; but I seldom ate anything during that time; -that was poor Luigi's affair--" - -"I'll never Mister him again!" cried the widow, with strong emotion, -"he's Luigi to me, from this out!" - -"Thank you a thousand times, madam, a thousand times! though in truth I -don't deserve it." - -"Ah, Luigi is always the fortunate one when honors are showering," said -Angelo, plaintively; "now what have I done, Mrs. Cooper, that you leave -me out? Come, you must strain a point in my favor." - -"Call you Angelo? Why, certainly I will; what are you thinking of! In -the case of twins, why--" - -"But, ma, you're breaking up the story--do let him go on." - -"You keep still, Rowena Cooper, and he can go on all the better, I -reckon. One interruption don't hurt, it's two that makes the trouble." - -"But you've added one, now, and that is three." - -"Rowena! I will not allow you to talk back at me when you have got -nothing rational to say." - - - - -CHAPTER III - -ANGELO IS BLUE - -[After breakfast the whole village crowded in, and there was a grand -reception in honor of the twins; and at the close of it the gifted -"freak" captured everybody's admiration by sitting down at the piano and -knocking out a classic four-handed piece in great style. Then the judge -took it--or them--driving in his buggy and showed off his village.] - -All along the streets the people crowded the windows and stared at the -amazing twins. Troops of small boys flocked after the buggy, excited and -yelling. At first the dogs showed no interest. They thought they merely -saw three men in a buggy--a matter of no consequence; but when they found -out the facts of the case, they altered their opinion pretty radically, -and joined the boys, expressing their minds as they came. Other dogs got -interested; indeed, all the dogs. It was a spirited sight to see them -come leaping fences, tearing around corners, swarming out of every -bystreet and alley. The noise they made was something beyond belief-- -or praise. They did not seem to be moved by malice but only by -prejudice, the common human prejudice against lack of conformity. If the -twins turned their heads, they broke and fled in every direction, but -stopped at a safe distance and faced about; and then formed and came on -again as soon as the strangers showed them their back. Negroes and -farmers' wives took to the woods when the buggy came upon them suddenly, -and altogether the drive was pleasant and animated, and a refreshment all -around. - - [It was a long and lively drive. Angelo was a Methodist, Luigi was - a Free-thinker. The judge was very proud of his Freethinkers' - Society, which was flourishing along in a most prosperous way and - already had two members--himself and the obscure and neglected - Pudd'nhead Wilson. It was to meet that evening, and he invited - Luigi to join; a thing which Luigi was glad to do, partly because it - would please himself, and partly because it would gravel Angelo.] - -They had now arrived at the widow's gate, and the excursion was ended. -The twins politely expressed their obligations for the pleasant outing -which had been afforded them; to which the judge bowed his thanks, -and then said he would now go and arrange for the Free-thinkers' meeting, -and would call for Count Luigi in the evening. - -"For you also, dear sir," he added hastily, turning to Angelo and bowing. -"In addressing myself particularly to your brother, I was not meaning to -leave you out. It was an unintentional rudeness, I assure you, and due -wholly to accident--accident and preoccupation. I beg you to forgive -me." - -His quick eye had seen the sensitive blood mount into Angelo's face, -betraying the wound that had been inflicted. The sting of the slight had -gone deep, but the apology was so prompt, and so evidently sincere, that -the hurt was almost immediately healed, and a forgiving smile testified -to the kindly judge that all was well again. - -Concealed behind Angelo's modest and unassuming exterior, and unsuspected -by any but his intimates, was a lofty pride, a pride of almost abnormal -proportions, indeed, and this rendered him ever the prey of slights; and -although they were almost always imaginary ones, they hurt none the less -on that account. By ill fortune judge Driscoll had happened to touch his -sorest point, i.e., his conviction that his brother's presence was -welcomer everywhere than his own; that he was often invited, out of mere -courtesy, where only his brother was wanted, and that in a majority of -cases he would not be included in an invitation if he could be left out -without offense. A sensitive nature like this is necessarily subject to -moods; moods which traverse the whole gamut of feeling; moods which know -all the climes of emotion, from the sunny heights of joy to the black -abysses of despair. At times, in his seasons of deepest depressions, -Angelo almost wished that he and his brother might become segregated from -each other and be separate individuals, like other men. But of course as -soon as his mind cleared and these diseased imaginings passed away, he -shuddered at the repulsive thought, and earnestly prayed that it might -visit him no more. To be separate, and as other men are! How awkward it -would seem; how unendurable. What would he do with his hands, his arms? -How would his legs feel? How odd, and strange, and grotesque every -action, attitude, movement, gesture would be. To sleep by himself, eat -by himself, walk by himself--how lonely, how unspeakably lonely! No, no, -any fate but that. In every way and from every point, the idea was -revolting. - -This was of course natural; to have felt otherwise would have been -unnatural. He had known no life but a combined one; he had been familiar -with it from his birth; he was not able to conceive of any other as being -agreeable, or even bearable. To him, in the privacy of his secret -thoughts, all other men were monsters, deformities: and during -three-fourths of his life their aspect had filled him with what promised -to be an unconquerable aversion. But at eighteen his eye began to take -note of female beauty; and little by little, undefined longings grew up -in his heart, under whose softening influences the old stubborn aversion -gradually diminished, and finally disappeared. Men were still -monstrosities to him, still deformities, and in his sober moments he had -no desire to be like them, but their strange and unsocial and uncanny -construction was no longer offensive to him. - -This had been a hard day for him, physically and mentally. He had been -called in the morning before he had quite slept off the effects of the -liquor which Luigi had drunk; and so, for the first half-hour had had the -seedy feeling, and languor, the brooding depression, the cobwebby mouth -and druggy taste that come of dissipation and are so ill a preparation -for bodily or intellectual activities; the long violent strain of the -reception had followed; and this had been followed, in turn, by the -dreary sight-seeing, the judge's wearying explanations and laudations of -the sights, and the stupefying clamor of the dogs. As a congruous -conclusion, a fitting end, his feelings had been hurt, a slight had been -put upon him. He would have been glad to forego dinner and betake -himself to rest and sleep, but he held his peace and said no word, for he -knew his brother, Luigi, was fresh, unweary, full of life, spirit, -energy; he would have scoffed at the idea of wasting valuable time on a -bed or a sofa, and would have refused permission. - - - - -CHAPTER IV - -SUPERNATURAL CHRONOMETRY - -Rowena was dining out, Joe and Harry were belated at play, there were but -three chairs and four persons that noon at the home dinner-table-- -the twins, the widow, and her chum, Aunt Betsy Hale. The widow soon -perceived that Angelo's spirits were as low as Luigi's were high, and -also that he had a jaded look. Her motherly solicitude was aroused, and -she tried to get him interested in the talk and win him to a happier -frame of mind, but the cloud of sadness remained on his countenance. -Luigi lent his help, too. He used a form and a phrase which he was -always accustomed to employ in these circumstances. He gave his brother -an affectionate slap on the shoulder and said, encouragingly: - -"Cheer up, the worst is yet to come!" - -But this did no good. It never did. If anything, it made the matter -worse, as a rule, because it irritated Angelo. This made it a favorite -with Luigi. By and by the widow said: - -"Angelo, you are tired, you've overdone yourself; you go right to bed -after dinner, and get a good nap and a rest, then you'll be all right." - -"Indeed, I would give anything if I could do that, madam." - -"And what's to hender, I'd like to know? Land, the room's yours to do -what you please with! The idea that you can't do what you like with your -own!" - -"But, you see, there's one prime essential--an essential of the very -first importance-- which isn't my own." - -"What is that?" - -"My body." - -The old ladies looked puzzled, and Aunt Betsy Hale said: - -"Why bless your heart, how is that?" - -"It's my brother's." - -"Your brother's! I don't quite understand. I supposed it belonged to -both of you." - -"So it does. But not to both at the same time." - -"That is mighty curious; I don't see how it can be. I shouldn't think it -could be managed that way." - -"Oh, it's a good enough arrangement, and goes very well; in fact, it -wouldn't do to have it otherwise. I find that the teetotalers and the -anti-teetotalers hire the use of the same hall for their meetings. Both -parties don't use it at the same time, do they?" - -"You bet they don't!" said both old ladies in a breath. - -"And, moreover," said Aunt Betsy, "the Freethinkers and the Baptist Bible -class use the same room over the Market house, but you can take my word -for it they don't mush up together and use it at the same time.' - -"Very well," said Angelo, "you understand it now. And it stands to -reason that the arrangement couldn't be improved. I'll prove it to you. -If our legs tried to obey two wills, how could we ever get anywhere? -I would start one way, Luigi would start another, at the same moment-- -the result would be a standstill, wouldn't it?" - -"As sure as you are born! Now ain't that wonderful! A body would never -have thought of it." - -"We should always be arguing and fussing and disputing over the merest -trifles. We should lose worlds of time, for we couldn't go down-stairs -or up, couldn't go to bed, couldn't rise, couldn't wash, couldn't dress, -couldn't stand up, couldn't sit down, couldn't even cross our legs, -without calling a meeting first and explaining the case and passing -resolutions, and getting consent. It wouldn't ever do--now would it?" - -"Do? Why, it would wear a person out in a week! Did you ever hear -anything like it, Patsy Cooper?" - -"Oh, you'll find there's more than one thing about them that ain't -commonplace," said the widow, with the complacent air of a person with a -property right in a novelty that is under admiring scrutiny. - -"Well, now, how ever do you manage it? I don't mind saying I'm suffering -to know." - -"He who made us," said Angelo reverently, "and with us this difficulty, -also provided a way out of it. By a mysterious law of our being, each of -us has utter and indisputable command of our body a week at a time, turn -and turn about." - -"Well, I never! Now ain't that beautiful!" - -"Yes, it is beautiful and infinitely wise and just. The week ends every -Saturday at midnight to the minute, to the second, to the last shade of -a fraction of a second, infallibly, unerringly, and in that instant the -one brother's power over the body vanishes and the other brother takes -possession, asleep or awake." - -"How marvelous are His ways, and past finding out!" - -Luigi said: "So exactly to the instant does the change come, that during -our stay in many of the great cities of the world, the public clocks were -regulated by it; and as hundreds of thousands of private clocks and -watches were set and corrected in accordance with the public clocks, we -really furnished the standard time for the entire city." - -"Don't tell me that He don't do miracles any more! Blowing down the -walls of Jericho with rams' horns wa'n't as difficult, in my opinion." - -"And that is not all," said Angelo. "A thing that is even more -marvelous, perhaps, is the fact that the change takes note of longitude -and fits itself to the meridian we are on. Luigi is in command this -week. Now, if on Saturday night at a moment before midnight we could fly -in an instant to a point fifteen degrees west of here, he would hold -possession of the power another hour, for the change observes local time -and no other." - -Betsy Hale was deeply impressed, and said with solemnity: - -"Patsy Cooper, for detail it lays over the Passage of the Red Sea." - -"Now, I shouldn't go as far as that," said Aunt Patsy, "but if you've a -mind to say Sodom and Gomorrah, I am with you, Betsy Hale." - -"I am agreeable, then, though I do think I was right, and I believe -Parson Maltby would say the same. Well, now, there's another thing. -Suppose one of you wants to borrow the legs a minute from the one that's -got them, could he let him?" - -"Yes, but we hardly ever do that. There were disagreeable results, -several times, and so we very seldom ask or grant the privilege, -nowadays, and we never even think of such a thing unless the case is -extremely urgent. Besides, a week's possession at a time seems so little -that we can't bear to spare a minute of it. People who have the use of -their legs all the time never think of what a blessing it is, of course. -It never occurs to them; it's just their natural ordinary condition, -and so it does not excite them at all. But when I wake up, on Sunday -morning, and it's my week and I feel the power all through me, oh, such a -wave of exultation and thanksgiving goes surging over me, and I want to -shout 'I can walk! I can walk!' Madam, do you ever, at your uprising, -want to shout 'I can walk! I can walk!'?" - -"No, you poor unfortunate cretur', but I'll never get out of my bed again -without doing it! Laws, to think I've had this unspeakable blessing all -my long life and never had the grace to thank the good Lord that gave it -to me!" - -Tears stood in the eyes of both the old ladies and the widow said, -softly: - -"Betsy Hale, we have learned something, you and me." - -The conversation now drifted wide, but by and by floated back once more -to that admired detail, the rigid and beautiful impartiality with which -the possession of power had been distributed, between the twins. Aunt -Betsy saw in it a far finer justice than human law exhibits in related -cases. She said: - -"In my opinion it ain't right no, and never has been right, the way a -twin born a quarter of a minute sooner than the other one gets all the -land and grandeurs and nobilities in the old countries and his brother -has to go bare and be a nobody. Which of you was born first?" - -Angelo's head was resting against Luigi's; weariness had overcome him, -and for the past five minutes he had been peacefully sleeping. The old -ladies had dropped their voices to a lulling drone, to help him to steal -the rest his brother wouldn't take him up-stairs to get. Luigi listened -a moment to Angelo's regular breathing, then said in a voice barely -audible: - -"We were both born at the same time, but I am six months older than he -is." - -"For the land's sake!" - -"'Sh! don't wake him up; he wouldn't like my telling this. It has -always been kept secret till now." - -"But how in the world can it be? If you were both born at the same time, -how can one of you be older than the other?" - -"It is very simple, and I assure you it is true. I was born with a full -crop of hair, he was as bald as an egg for six months. I could walk six -months before he could make a step. I finished teething six months ahead -of him. I began to take solids six months before he left the breast. -I began to talk six months before he could say a word. Last, and -absolutely unassailable proof, the sutures in my skull closed six months -ahead of his. Always just that six months' difference to a day. Was -that accident? Nobody is going to claim that, I'm sure. It was ordained -it was law it had its meaning, and we know what that meaning was. Now -what does this overwhelming body of evidence establish? It establishes -just one thing, and that thing it establishes beyond any peradventure -whatever. Friends, we would not have it known for the world, and I must -beg you to keep it strictly to yourselves, but the truth is, we are no -more twins than you are." - -The two old ladies were stunned, paralyzed-petrified, one may almost say ---and could only sit and gaze vacantly at each other for some moments; -then Aunt Betsy Hale said impressively: - -"There's no getting around proof like that. I do believe it's the most -amazing thing I ever heard of." She sat silent a moment or two and -breathing hard with excitement, then she looked up and surveyed the -strangers steadfastly a little while, and added: "Well, it does beat me, -but I would have took you for twins anywhere." - -"So would I, so would I," said Aunt Patsy with the emphasis of a -certainty that is not impaired by any shade of doubt. - -"Anybody would-anybody in the world, I don't care who he is," said Aunt -Betsy with decision. - -"You won't tell," said Luigi, appealingly. - -"Oh, dear, no!" answered both ladies promptly, "you can trust us, don't -you be afraid." - -"That is good of you, and kind. Never let on; treat us always as if we -were twins." - -"You can depend on us," said Aunt Betsy, "but it won't be easy, because -now that I know you ain't you don't seem so." - -Luigi muttered to himself with satisfaction: "That swindle has gone -through without change of cars." - -It was not very kind of him to load the poor things up with a secret like -that, which would be always flying to their tongues' ends every time they -heard any one speak of the strangers as twins, and would become harder -and harder to hang on to with every recurrence of the temptation to tell -it, while the torture of retaining it would increase with every new -strain that was applied; but he never thought of that, and probably would -not have worried much about it if he had. - -A visitor was announced--some one to see the twins. They withdrew to the -parlor, and the two old ladies began to discuss with interest the strange -things which they had been listening to. When they had finished the -matter to their satisfaction, and Aunt Betsy rose to go, she stopped to -ask a question: - -"How does things come on between Roweny and Tom Driscoll?" - -"Well, about the same. He writes tolerable often, and she answers -tolerable seldom." - -"Where is he?" - -"In St. Louis, I believe, though he's such a gadabout that a body can't -be very certain of him, I reckon." - -"Don't Roweny know?" - -"Oh, yes, like enough. I haven't asked her lately." - -"Do you know how him and the judge are getting along now?" - -"First rate, I believe. Mrs. Pratt says so; and being right in the -house, and sister to the one and aunt to t'other, of course she ought to -know. She says the judge is real fond of him when he's away; but frets -when he's around and is vexed with his ways, and not sorry to have him go -again. He has been gone three weeks this time--a pleasant thing for both -of them, I reckon." - -"Tom's rather harum-scarum, but there ain't anything bad in him, I -guess." - -"Oh, no, he's just young, that's all. Still, twenty-three is old, in one -way. A young man ought to be earning his living by that time. If Tom -were doing that, or was even trying to do it, the judge would be a heap -better satisfied with him. Tom's always going to begin, but somehow he -can't seem to find just the opening he likes." - -"Well, now, it's partly the judge's own fault. Promising the boy his -property wasn't the way to set him to earning a fortune of his own. But -what do you think is Roweny beginning to lean any toward him, or ain't -she?" - -Aunt Patsy had a secret in her bosom; she wanted to keep it there, but -nature was too strong for her. She drew Aunt Betsy aside, and said in -her most confidential and mysterious manner: - -"Don't you breathe a syllable to a soul--I'm going to tell you something. -In my opinion Tom Driscoll's chances were considerable better yesterday -than they are to-day." - -"Patsy Cooper, what do you mean?" - -"It's so, as sure as you're born. I wish you could 'a' been at breakfast -and seen for yourself." - -"You don't mean it!" - -"Well, if I'm any judge, there's a leaning--there's a leaning, sure." - -"My land! Which one of 'em is it?" - -"I can't say for certain, but I think it's the youngest one--Anjy." - -Then there were hand-shakings, and congratulations, and hopes, and so on, -and the old ladies parted, perfectly happy--the one in knowing something -which the rest of the town didn't, and the other in having been the sole -person able to furnish that knowledge. - -The visitor who had called to see the twins was the Rev. Mr. Hotchkiss, -pastor of the Baptist church. At the reception Angelo had told him he -had lately experienced a change in his religious views, and was now -desirous of becoming a Baptist, and would immediately join Mr. -Hotchkiss's church. There was no time to say more, and the brief talk -ended at that point. The minister was much gratified, and had dropped in -for a moment now, to invite the twins to attend his Bible class at eight -that evening. Angelo accepted, and was expecting Luigi to decline, but -he did not, because he knew that the Bible class and the Freethinkers met -in the same room, and he wanted to treat his brother to the embarrassment -of being caught in free-thinking company. - - - - -CHAPTER V - -GUILT AND INNOCENCE FINELY BLENT - -[A long and vigorous quarrel follows, between the twins. And there is -plenty to quarrel about, for Angelo was always seeking truth, and this -obliged him to change and improve his religion with frequency, which -wearied Luigi, and annoyed him too; for he had to be present at each new -enlistment--which placed him in the false position of seeming to indorse -and approve his brother's fickleness; moreover, he had to go to Angelo's -prohibition meetings, and he hated them. On the other hand, when it was -his week to command the legs he gave Angelo just cause of complaint, for -he took him to circuses and horse-races and fandangoes, exposing him to -all sorts of censure and criticism; and he drank, too; and whatever he -drank went to Angelo's head instead of his own and made him act -disgracefully. When the evening was come, the two attended the Free- -thinkers' meeting, where Angelo was sad and silent; then came the Bible -class and looked upon him coldly, finding him in such company. Then they -went to Wilson's house and Chapter XI of Pudd'nhead Wilson follows, which -tells of the girl seen in Tom Driscoll's room; and closes with the -kicking of Tom by Luigi at the anti-temperance mass-meeting of the Sons -of Liberty; with the addition of some account of Roxy's adventures as a -chamber-maid on a Mississippi boat. Her exchange of the children had -been flippantly and farcically described in an earlier chapter. - -Next morning all the town was a-buzz with great news; Pudd'nhead Wilson -had a law case! The, public astonishment was so great and the public -curiosity so intense, that when the justice of the peace opened his -court, the place was packed with people and even the windows were full. -Everybody was, flushed and perspiring; the summer heat was almost -unendurable. - -Tom Driscoll had brought a charge of assault and battery against the -twins. Robert Allen was retained by Driscoll, David Wilson by the -defense. Tom, his native cheerfulness unannihilated by his back-breaking -and bone-bruising passage across the massed heads of the Sons of Liberty -the previous night, laughed his little customary laugh, and said to -Wilson: - -"I've kept my promise, you see; I'm throwing my business your way. -Sooner than I was expecting, too." - -"It's very good of you--particularly if you mean to keep it up." - -"Well, I can't tell about that yet. But we'll see. If I find you -deserve it I'll take you under my protection and make your fame and -fortune for you." - -"I'll try to deserve it, Tom." - -A jury was sworn in; then Mr. Allen said: - -"We will detain your honor but a moment with this case. It is not one -where any doubt of the fact of the assault can enter in. These -gentlemen--the accused--kicked my client at the Market Hall last night; -they kicked him with violence; with extraordinary violence; with even -unprecedented violence, I may say; insomuch that he was lifted entirely -off his feet and discharged into the midst of the audience. We can prove -this by four hundred witnesses--we shall call but three. Mr. Harkness -will take the stand." - -Mr. Harkness, being sworn, testified that he was chairman upon the -occasion mentioned; that he was close at hand and saw the defendants in -this action kick the plaintiff into the air and saw him descend among the -audience. - -"Take the witness," said Allen. - -"Mr. Harkness," said Wilson, "you say you saw these gentlemen, my -clients, kick the plaintiff. Are you sure--and please remember that you -are on oath--are you perfectly sure that you saw both of them kick him, -or only one? Now be careful." - -A bewildered look began to spread itself over the witness's face. He -hesitated, stammered, but got out nothing. His eyes wandered to the -twins and fixed themselves there with a vacant gaze. - -"Please answer, Mr. Harkness, you are keeping the court waiting. It is -a very simple question." - -Counsel for the prosecution broke in with impatience: - -"Your honor, the question is an irrelevant triviality. Necessarily, they -both kicked him, for they have but the one pair of legs, and both are -responsible for them." - -Wilson said, sarcastically: - -"Will your honor permit this new witness to be sworn? He seems to -possess knowledge which can be of the utmost value just at this moment-- -knowledge which would at once dispose of what every one must see is a -very difficult question in this case. Brother Allen, will you take the -stand?" - -"Go on with your case!" said Allen, petulantly. The audience laughed, -and got a warning from the court. - -"Now, Mr. Harkness," said Wilson, insinuatingly, "we shall have to insist -upon an answer to that question." - -"I--er--well, of course, I do not absolutely know, but in my opinion--" - -"Never mind your opinion, sir--answer the question." - -"I--why, I can't answer it." - -"That will do, Mr. Harkness. Stand down." - -The audience tittered, and the discomfited witness retired in a state of -great embarrassment. - -Mr. Wakeman took the stand and swore that he saw the twins kick the -plaintiff off the platform. - -The defense took the witness. - -"Mr. Wakeman, you have sworn that you saw these gentlemen kick the -plaintiff. Do I understand you to swear that you saw them both do it?" - -"Yes, sir,"--with derision. - -"How do you know that both did it?" - -"Because I saw them do it." - -The audience laughed, and got another warning from the court. - -"But by what means do you know that both, and not one, did it?" - -"Well, in the first place, the insult was given to both of them equally, -for they were called a pair of scissors. Of course they would both want -to resent it, and so--" - -"Wait! You are theorizing now. Stick to facts --counsel will attend to -the arguments. Go on." - -"Well, they both went over there--that I saw." - -"Very good. Go on." - -"And they both kicked him--I swear to it." - -"Mr. Wakeman, was Count Luigi, here, willing to join the Sons of Liberty -last night?" - -"Yes, sir, he was. He did join, too, and drank a glass or two of whisky, -like a man." - -"Was his brother willing to join?" - -"No, sir, he wasn't. He is a teetotaler, and was elected through a -mistake." - -"Was he given a glass of whisky?" - -"Yes, sir, but of course that was another mistake, and not intentional. -He wouldn't drink it. He set it down." A slight pause, then he added, -casually and quite simply: "The plaintiff reached for it and hogged it." - -There was a fine outburst of laughter, but as the justice was caught out -himself, his reprimand was not very vigorous. - -Mr. Allen jumped up and exclaimed: "I protest against these foolish -irrelevancies. What have they to do with the case?" - -Wilson said: "Calm yourself, brother, it was only an experiment. Now, -Mr. Wakeman, if one of these gentlemen chooses to join an association and -the other doesn't; and if one of them enjoys whisky and the other -doesn't, but sets it aside and leaves it unprotected" (titter from the -audience), "it seems to show that they have independent minds, and -tastes, and preferences, and that one of them is able to approve of a -thing at the very moment that the other is heartily disapproving of it. -Doesn't it seem so to you?" - -"Certainly it does. It's perfectly plain." - -"Now, then, it might be--I only say it might be--that one of these -brothers wanted to kick the plaintiff last night, and that the other -didn't want that humiliating punishment inflicted upon him in that public -way and before all those people. Isn't that possible?" - -"Of course it is. It's more than possible. I don't believe the blond -one would kick anybody. It was the other one that--" - -"Silence!" shouted the plaintiff's counsel, and went on with an angry -sentence which was lost in the wave of laughter that swept the house. - -"That will do, Mr. Wakeman," said Wilson, "you may stand down." - -The third witness was called. He had seen the twins kick the plaintiff. -Mr. Wilson took the witness. - -"Mr. Rogers, you say you saw these accused gentlemen kick the plaintiff?" - -"Yes, sir." - -"Both of them?" - -"Yes, sir." - -"Which of them kicked him first?" - -"Why--they--they both kicked him at the same time. - -"Are you perfectly sure of that?" - -"Yes, sir." - -"What makes you sure of it?" - -"Why, I stood right behind them, and saw them do it." - -"How many kicks were delivered?" - -"Only one." - -"If two men kick, the result should be two kicks, shouldn't it?" - -"Why--why yes, as a rule." - -"Then what do you think went with the other kick?" - -"I--well--the fact is, I wasn't thinking of two being necessary, this -time." - -"What do you think now?" - -"Well, I--I'm sure I don't quite know what to think, but I reckon that -one of them did half of the kick and the other one did the other half." - -Somebody in the crowd sung out: "It's the first sane thing that any of -them has said." - -The audience applauded. The judge said: "Silence! or I will clear the -court." - -Mr. Allen looked pleased, but Wilson did not seem disturbed. He said: - -"Mr. Rogers, you have favored us with what you think and what you reckon, -but as thinking and reckoning are not evidence, I will now give you a -chance to come out with something positive, one way or the other, and -shall require you to produce it. I will ask the accused to stand up and -repeat the phenomenal kick of last night." The twins stood up. "Now, -Mr. Rogers, please stand behind them." - -A Voice: "No, stand in front!" (Laughter. Silenced by the court.) -Another Voice: "No, give Tommy another highst!" (Laughter. Sharply -rebuked by the court.) - -"Now, then, Mr. Rogers, two kicks shall be delivered, one after the -other, and I give you my word that at least one of the two shall be -delivered by one of the twins alone, without the slightest assistance -from his brother. Watch sharply, for you have of to render a decision -without any if's and ands it." Rogers bent himself behind the twins with -palms just above his knees, in the modern attitude of the catcher at a -baseball match, and riveted eyes on the pair of legs in front of him. - -"Are you ready, Mr. Rogers?" - -"Ready sir." - -The kick, launched. - -"Have you got that one classified, Mr. Rogers?" - -"Let me study a minute, sir." - -"Take as much time as you please. Let me know when you are ready." - -For as much as a minute Rogers pondered, with all eyes and a breathless -interest fastened upon him. Then he gave the word: "Ready, sir." - -"Kick!" - -The kick that followed was an exact duplicate of the first one. - -"Now, then, Mr. Rogers, one of those kicks was an individual kick, not a -mutual one. You will now state positively which was the mutual one." - -The witness said, with a crestfallen look: - -"I've got to give it up. There ain't any man in the world that could -tell t'other from which, sir." - -"Do you still assert that last night's kick was a mutual kick?" - -"Indeed, I don't, sir." - -"That will do, Mr. Rogers. If my brother Allen desires to address the -court, your honor, very well; but as far as I am concerned I am ready to -let the case be at once delivered into the hands of this intelligent jury -without comment." - -Mr. Justice Robinson had been in office only two months, and in that -short time had not had many cases to try, of course. He had no knowledge -of laws and courts except what he had picked up since he came into -office. He was a sore trouble to the lawyers, for his rulings were -pretty eccentric sometimes, and he stood by them with Roman simplicity -and fortitude; but the people were well satisfied with him, for they saw -that his intentions were always right, that he was entirely impartial, -and that he usually made up in good sense what he lacked in technique, -so to speak. He now perceived that there was likely to be a miscarriage -of justice here, and he rose to the occasion. - -"Wait a moment, gentlemen," he said, "it is plain that an assault has -been committed it is plain to anybody; but the way things are going, the -guilty will certainly escape conviction. I can not allow this. Now---" - -"But, your honor!" said Wilson, interrupting him, earnestly but -respectfully, "you are deciding the case yourself, whereas the jury--" - -"Never mind the jury, Mr. Wilson; the jury will have a chance when there -is a reasonable doubt for them to take hold of--which there isn't, -so far. There is no doubt whatever that an assault has been committed. -The attempt to show that both of the accused committed it has failed. -Are they both to escape justice on that account? Not in this court, -if I can prevent it. It appears to have been a mistake to bring the -charge against them as a corporation; each should have been charged in -his capacity as an individual, and--" - -"But, your honor!" said Wilson, "in fairness to my clients I must insist -that inasmuch as the prosecution 'd not separate the--" - -"No wrong will be done your clients, sir--they will be protected; -also the public and the offended laws. Mr. Allen, you will amend your -pleadings, and put one of the accused on trial at a time." - -Wilson broke in: "But, your honor! this is wholly unprecedented! -To imperil an accused person by arbitrarily altering and widening the -charge against him in order to compass his conviction when the charge as -originally brought promises to fail to convict, is a thing unheard of -before." - -"Unheard of where?" - -"In the courts of this or any other state." - -The judge said with dignity: "I am not acquainted with the customs of -other courts, and am not concerned to know what they are. I am -responsible for this court, and I cannot conscientiously allow my -judgment to be warped and my judicial liberty hampered by trying to -conform to the caprices of other courts, be they--" - -"But, your honor, the oldest and highest courts in Europe--" - -"This court is not run on the European plan, Mr. Wilson; it is not run on -any plan but its own. It has a plan of its own; and that plan is, -to find justice for both State and accused, no matter what happens to be -practice and custom in Europe or anywhere else." (Great applause.) -"Silence! It has not been the custom of this court to imitate other -courts; it has not been the custom of this court to take shelter behind -the decisions of other courts, and we will not begin now. We will do the -best we can by the light that God has given us, and while this 'court -continues to have His approval, it will remain indifferent to what other -organizations may think of it." (Applause.) "Gentlemen, I must have -order!--quiet yourselves! Mr. Allen, you will now proceed against the -prisoners one at a time. Go on with the case." - -Allen was not at his ease. However, after whispering a moment with his -client and with one or two other people, he rose and said: - -"Your honor, I find it to be reported and believed that the accused are -able to act independently in many ways, but that this independence does -not extend to their legs, authority over their legs being vested -exclusively in the one brother during a specific term of days, and then -passing to the other brother for a like term, and so on, by regular -alternation. I could call witnesses who would prove that the accused had -revealed to them the existence of this extraordinary fact, and had also -made known which of them was in possession of the legs yesterday--and -this would, of course, indicate where the guilt of the assault belongs-- -but as this would be mere hearsay evidence, these revelations not having -been made under oath" - -"Never mind about that, Mr. Allen. It may not all be hearsay. We shall -see. It may at least help to put us on the right track. Call the -witnesses." - -"Then I will call Mr. John Buckstone, who is now present, and I beg that -Mrs. Patsy Cooper may be sent for. Take the stand, Mr. Buckstone." - -Buckstone took the oath, and then testified that on the previous evening -the Count Angelo Capello had protested against going to the hall, and had -called all present to witness that he was going by compulsion and would -not go if he could help himself. Also, that the Count Luigi had replied -sharply that he would go, just the same, and that he, Count Luigi, would -see to that himself. Also, that upon Count Angelo's complaining about -being kept on his legs so long, Count Luigi retorted with apparent -surprise, "Your legs!--I like your impudence!" - -"Now we are getting at the kernel of the thing," observed the judge, with -grave and earnest satisfaction. "It looks as if the Count Luigi was in -possession of the battery at the time of the assault." - -Nothing further was elicited from Mr. Buckstone on direct examination. -Mr. Wilson took the witness. - -"Mr. Buckstone, about what time was it that that conversation took -place?" - -"Toward nine yesterday evening, sir." - -"Did you then proceed directly to the hall?" - -"Yes, sir." - -"How long did it take you to go there?" - -"Well, we walked; and as it was from the extreme edge of the town, and -there was no hurry, I judge it took us about twenty minutes, maybe a -trifle more." - -"About what hour was the kick delivered?" - -"About thirteen minutes and a half to ten." - -"Admirable! You are a pattern witness, Mr. Buckstone. How did you -happen to look at your watch at that particular moment?" - -"I always do it when I see an assault. It's likely I shall be called as -a witness, and it's a good point to have." - -"It would be well if others were as thoughtful. Was anything said, -between the conversation at my house and the assault, upon the detail -which we are now examining into?" - -"No, sir." - -"If power over the mutual legs was in the possession of one brother at -nine, and passed into the possession of the other one during the next -thirty or forty minutes, do you think you could have detected the -change?" - -"By no means!" - -"That is all, Mr. Buckstone." - -Mrs. Patsy Cooper was called. The crowd made way for her, and she came -smiling and bowing through the narrow human lane, with Betsy Hale, as -escort and support, smiling and bowing in her wake, the audience breaking -into welcoming cheers as the old favorites filed along. The judge did -not check this kindly demonstration of homage and affection, but let it -run its course unrebuked. - -The old ladies stopped and shook hands with the twins with effusion, then -gave the judge a friendly nod, and bustled into the seats provided for -them. They immediately began to deliver a volley of eager questions at -the friends around them: "What is this thing for?" "What is that thing -for?" "Who is that young man that's writing at the desk? Why, I -declare, it's Jack Bunce! I thought he was sick." "Which is the jury? -Why, is that the jury? Billy Price and Job Turner, and Jack Lounsbury, -and--well, I never!" "Now who would ever 'a' thought--" - -But they were gently called to order at this point, and asked not to talk -in court. Their tongues fell silent, but the radiant interest in their -faces remained, and their gratitude for the blessing of a new sensation -and a novel experience still beamed undimmed from their eyes. Aunt Patsy -stood up and took the oath, and Mr. Allen explained the point in issue, -and asked her to go on now, in her own way, and throw as much light upon -it as she could. She toyed with her reticule a moment or two, as if -considering where to begin, then she said: - -"Well, the way of it is this. They are Luigi's legs a week at a time, -and then they are Angelo's, and he can do whatever he wants to with -them." - -"You are making a mistake, Aunt Patsy Cooper," said the judge. "You -shouldn't state that as a fact, because you don't know it to be a fact." - -"What's the reason I don't?" said Aunt Patsy, bridling a little. - -"What is the reason that you do know it?" - -"The best in the world because they told me." - -"That isn't a reason." - -"Well, for the land's sake! Betsy Hale, do you hear that?" - -"Hear it? I should think so," said Aunt Betsy, rising and facing the -court. "Why, Judge, I was there and heard it myself. Luigi says to -Angelo--no, it was Angelo said it to--" - -"Come, come, Mrs. Hale, pray sit down, and--" - -"Certainly, it's all right, I'm going to sit down presently, but not -until I've--" - -"But you must sit down!" - -"Must! Well, upon my word if things ain't getting to a pretty pass -when--" - -The house broke into laughter, but was promptly brought to order, and -meantime Mr. Allen persuaded the old lady to take her seat. Aunt Patsy -continued: - -"Yes, they told me that, and I know it's true. They're Luigi's legs this -week, but--" - -"Ah, they told you that, did they?" said the Justice, with interest. - -"Well, no, I don't know that they told me, but that's neither here nor -there. I know, without that, that at dinner yesterday, Angelo was as -tired as a dog, and yet Luigi wouldn't lend him the legs to go up-stairs -and take a nap with." - -"Did he ask for them?" - -"Let me see--it seems to me, somehow, that--that--Aunt Betsy, do you -remember whether he--" - -"Never mind about what Aunt Betsy remembers --she is not a witness; we -only want to know what you remember yourself," said the judge. - -"Well, it does seem to, me that you are most cantankerously particular -about a little thing, Sim Robinson. Why, when I can't remember a thing -myself, I always--" - - -"Ah, please go on!" - -"Now how can she when you keep fussing at her all the time?" said Aunt -Betsy. "Why, with a person pecking at me that way, I should get that -fuzzled and fuddled that--" - -She was on her feet again, but Allen coaxed her into her seat once more, -while the court squelched the mirth of the house. Then the judge said: - -"Madam, do you know--do you absolutely know, independently of anything -these gentlemen have told you--that the power over their legs passes from -the one to the other regularly every week?" - -"Regularly? Bless your heart, regularly ain't any name for the exactness -of it! All the big cities in Europe used to set the clocks by it." -(Laughter, suppressed by the court.) - -"How do you know? That is the question. Please answer it plainly and -squarely." - -"Don't you talk to me like that, Sim Robinson--I won't have it. How do -I know, indeed! How do you know what you know? Because somebody told -you. You didn't invent it out of your own head, did you? Why, these -twins are the truthfulest people in the world; and I don't think it -becomes you to sit up there and throw slurs at them when they haven't -been doing anything to you. And they are orphans besides--both of them. -All--" - -But Aunt Betsy was up again now, and both old ladies were talking at once -and with all their might; but as the house was weltering in a storm of -laughter, and the judge was hammering his desk with an iron paper-weight, -one could only see them talk, not hear them. At last, when quiet was -restored, the court said: - -"Let the ladies retire." - -"But, your honor, I have the right, in the interest of my clients,--to -cross-exam--" - -"You'll not need to exercise it, Mr. Wilson--the evidence is thrown out." - -"Thrown out!" said Aunt Patsy, ruffled; "and what's it thrown out for, -I'd like to know." - -"And so would I, Patsy Cooper. It seems to me that if we can save these -poor persecuted strangers, it is our bounden duty to stand up here and -talk for them till--" - -"There, there, there, do sit down!" - -It cost some trouble and a good deal of coaxing, but they were got into -their seats at last. The trial was soon ended now. The twins themselves -became witnesses in their own defense. They established the fact, upon -oath, that the leg-power passed from one to the other every Saturday -night at twelve o'clock sharp. But or cross-examination their counsel -would not allow them to tell whose week of power the current week was. -The judge insisted upon their answering, and proposed to compel them, but -even the prosecution took fright and came to the rescue then, and helped -stay the sturdy jurist's revolutionary hand. So the case had to go to -the jury with that important point hanging in the air. They were out an -hour and brought in this verdict: - -"We the jury do find: 1, that an assault was committed, as charged; -2, that it was committed by one of the persons accused, he having been -seen to do it by several credible witnesses; 3, but that his identity is -so merged in his brother's that we have not been able to tell which was -him. We cannot convict both, for only one is guilty. We cannot acquit -both, for only one is innocent. Our verdict is that justice has been -defeated by the dispensation of God, and ask to be discharged from -further duty." - -This was read aloud in court and brought out a burst of hearty applause. -The old ladies made a spring at the twins, to shake and congratulate, but -were gently disengaged by Mr. Wilson and softly crowded back into their -places. - -The judge rose in his little tribune, laid aside his silver-bowed -spectacles, roached his gray hair up with his fingers, and said, with -dignity and solemnity, and even with a certain pathos: - -"In all my experience on the bench, I have not seen justice bow her head -in shame in this court until this day. You little realize what far- -reaching harm has just been wrought here under the fickle forms of law. -Imitation is the bane of courts--I thank God that this one is free from -the contamination of that vice--and in no long time you will see the -fatal work of this hour seized upon by profligate so-called guardians of -justice in all the wide circumstance of this planet and perpetuated in -their pernicious decisions. I wash my hands of this iniquity. I would -have compelled these culprits to expose their guilt, but support failed -me where I had most right to expect aid and encouragement. And I was -confronted by a law made in the interest of crime, which protects the -criminal from testifying against himself. Yet I had precedents of my own -whereby I had set aside that law on two different occasions and thus -succeeded in convicting criminals to whose crimes there were no witnesses -but themselves. What have you accomplished this day? Do you realize it? -You have set adrift, unadmonished, in this community, two men endowed -with an awful and mysterious gift, a hidden and grisly power for evil-- -a power by which each in his turn may commit crime after crime of the -most heinous character, and no man be able to tell which is the guilty or -which the innocent party in any case of them all. Look to your homes -look to your property look to your lives for you have need! - -"Prisoners at the bar, stand up. Through suppression of evidence, a jury -of your--our--countrymen have been obliged to deliver a verdict -concerning your case which stinks to heaven with the rankness of its -injustice. By its terms you, the guilty one, go free with the innocent. -Depart in peace, and come no more! The costs devolve upon the outraged -plaintiff--another iniquity. The court stands dissolved." - -Almost everybody crowded forward to overwhelm the twins and their counsel -with congratulations; but presently the two old aunties dug the -duplicates out and bore them away in triumph through the hurrahing crowd, -while lots of new friends carried Pudd'nhead Wilson off tavernward to -feast him and "wet down" his great and victorious entry into the legal -arena. To Wilson, so long familiar with neglect and depreciation, this -strange new incense of popularity and admiration was as a fragrance blown -from the fields of paradise. A happy man was Wilson. - - - - -CHAPTER VI - -THE AMAZING DUEL - - A deputation came in the evening and conferred upon Wilson the - welcome honor of a nomination for mayor; for the village has just - been converted into a city by charter. Tom skulks out of - challenging the twins. Judge Driscoll thereupon challenges Angelo - (accused by Tom of doing the kicking); he declines, but Luigi - accepts in his place against Angelo's timid protest. - -It was late Saturday night nearing eleven. - -The judge and his second found the rest of the war party at the further -end of the vacant ground, near the haunted house. Pudd'nhead Wilson -advanced to meet them, and said anxiously: - -"I must say a word in behalf of my principal's proxy, Count Luigi, to -whom you have kindly granted the privilege of fighting my principal's -battle for him. It is growing late, and Count Luigi is in great trouble -lest midnight shall strike before the finish." - -"It is another testimony," said Howard, approvingly. "That young man is -fine all through. He wishes to save his brother the sorrow of fighting -on the Sabbath, and he is right; it is the right and manly feeling and -does him credit. We will make all possible haste." - -Wilson said: "There is also another reason--a consideration, in fact, -which deeply concerns Count Luigi himself. These twins have command of -their mutual legs turn about. Count Luigi is in command now; but at -midnight, possession will pass to my principal, Count Angelo, and--well, -you can foresee what will happen. He will march straight off the field, -and carry Luigi with him." - -"Why! sure enough!" cried the judge, "we have heard something about that -extraordinary law of their being, already--nothing very definite, it is -true, as regards dates and durations of power, but I see it is definite -enough as regards to-night. Of course we must give Luigi every chance. -Omit all the ceremonial possible, gentlemen, and place us in position." - -The seconds at once tossed up a coin; Howard won the choice. He placed -the judge sixty feet from the haunted house and facing it; Wilson placed -the twins within fifteen feet of the house and facing the judge-- -necessarily. The pistol-case was opened and the long slim tubes taken -out; when the moonlight glinted from them a shiver went through Angelo. -The doctor was a fool, but a thoroughly well-meaning one, with a kind -heart and a sincere disposition to oblige, but along with it an absence -of tact which often hurt its effectiveness. He brought his box of lint -and bandages, and asked Angelo to feel and see how soft and comfortable -they were. Angelo's head fell over against Luigi's in a faint, and -precious time was lost in bringing him to; which provoked Luigi into -expressing his mind to the doctor with a good deal of vigor and -frankness. After Angelo came to he was still so weak that Luigi was -obliged to drink a stiff horn of brandy to brace him up. - -The seconds now stepped at once to their posts, halfway between the -combatants, one of them on each side of the line of fire. Wilson was to -count, very deliberately, " One-two-three-fire!--stop !" and the duelists -could bang away at any time they chose during that recitation, but not -after the last word. Angelo grew very nervous when he saw Wilson's hand -rising slowly into the air as a sign to make ready, and he leaned his -head against Luigi's and said: - -"Oh, please take me away from here, I can't stay, I know I can't!" - -"What in the world are you doing? Straighten up! What's the matter with -you?--you're in no danger--nobody's going to shoot at you. Straighten -up, I tell you!" - -Angelo obeyed, just in time to hear: - -"One--!" - -"Bang!" Just one report, and a little tuft of white hair floated slowly -to the judge's feet in the moonlight. The judge did not swerve; he still -stood erect and motionless, like a statue, with his pistol-arm hanging -straight down at his side. He was reserving his fire. - -"Two--!" - -"Three--"! - -"Fire--!" - -Up came the pistol-arm instantly-Angelo dodged with the report. He said -"Ouch!" and fainted again. - -The doctor examined and bandaged the wound. - -It was of no consequence, he said--bullet through fleshy part of arm--no -bones broken the gentleman was still able to fight let the duel proceed. - -Next time Angelo jumped just as Luigi fired, which disordered his aim and -caused him to cut a chip off of Howard's ear. The judge took his time -again, and when he fired Angelo jumped and got a knuckle skinned. The -doctor inspected and dressed the wounds. Angelo now spoke out and said -he was content with the satisfaction he had got, and if the judge--but -Luigi shut him roughly up, and asked him not to make an ass of himself; -adding: - -"And I want you to stop dodging. You take a great deal too prominent a -part in this thing for a person who has got nothing to do with it. You -should remember that you are here only by courtesy, and are without -official recognition; officially you are not here at all; officially you -do not even exist. To all intents and purposes you are absent from this -place, and you ought for your own modesty's sake to reflect that it -cannot become a person who is not present here to be taking this sort of -public and indecent prominence in a matter in which he is not in the -slightest degree concerned. Now, don't dodge again; the bullets are not -for you, they are for me; if I want them dodged I will attend to it -myself. I never saw a person act so." - -Angelo saw the reasonableness of what his brother had said, and he did -try to reform, but it was of no use; both pistols went off at the same -instant, and he jumped once more; he got a sharp scrape along his cheek -from the judge's bullet, and so deflected Luigi's aim that his ball went -wide and chipped flake of skin from Pudd'nhead Wilson's chin. The doctor -attended to the wounded. - -By the terms, the duel was over. But Luigi was entirely out of patience, -and begged for one exchange of shots, insisting that he had had no fair -chance, on account of his brother's indelicate behavior. Howard was -opposed to granting so unusual a privilege, but the judge took Luigi's -part, and added that indeed he himself might fairly be considered -entitled to another trial, because although the proxy on the other side -was in no way to blame for his (the judge's) humiliatingly resultless -work, the gentleman with whom he was fighting this duel was to blame for -it, since if he had played no advantages and had held his head still, his -proxy would have been disposed of early. He added: - -"Count Luigi's request for another exchange is another proof that he is a -brave and chivalrous gentleman, and I beg that the courtesy he asks may -be accorded him." - -"I thank you most sincerely for this generosity, Judge Driscoll," said -Luigi, with a polite bow, and moving to his place. Then he added to -Angelo, "Now hold your grip, hold your grip, I tell you, and I'll land -him sure!" - -The men stood erect, their pistol-arms at their sides, the two seconds -stood at their official posts, the doctor stood five paces in Wilson's -rear with his instruments and bandages in his hands. The deep stillness, -the peaceful moonlight, the motionless figures, made an impressive -picture and the impending fatal possibilities augmented this -impressiveness solemnity. Wilson's hand began to rise--slowly--still -higher--still higher--in another moment: - -"Boom!" the first stroke of midnight swung up out of the distance; -Angelo was off like a deer! - -"Oh, you unspeakable traitor!" wailed his brother, as they went soaring -over the fence. - -The others stood astonished and gazing; and so stood, watching that -strange spectacle until distance dissolved it and swept it from their -view. Then they rubbed their eyes like people waking out of a dream, - -"Well, I've never seen anything like that before!" said the judge. -"Wilson, I am going to confess now, that I wasn't quite able to believe -in that leg business, and had a suspicion that it was a put-up -convenience between those twins; and when Count Angelo fainted I thought -I saw the whole scheme--thought it was pretext No. 2, and would be -followed by others till twelve o'clock should arrive, and Luigi would get -off with all the credit of seeming to want to fight and yet not have to -fight, after all. But I was mistaken. His pluck proved it. He's a -brave fellow and did want to fight." - -"There isn't any doubt about that," said Howard, and added, in a grieved -tone, "but what an unworthy sort of Christian that Angelo is--I hope and -believe there are not many like him. It is not right to engage in a duel -on the Sabbath--I could not approve of that myself; but to finish one -that has been begun--that is a duty, let the day be what it may." - -They strolled along, still wondering, still talking. - -"It is a curious ,circumstance,"remarked the surgeon, halting Wilson a -moment to paste so more court-plaster on his chin, which had gone to -leaking blood again, "that in this duel neither of the parties who -handled the pistols lost blood while nearly all the persons present in -the mere capacity of guests got hit. I have not heard of such a thing -before. Don't you think it unusual?" - -"Yes," said the Judge, "it has struck me as peculiar. Peculiar and -unfortunate. I was annoyed at it, all the time. In the case of Angelo -it made no great difference, because he was in a measure concerned, -though not officially; but it troubled me to see the seconds compromised, -and yet I knew no way to mend the matter. - -"There was no way to mend it," said Howard, whose ear was being -readjusted now by the doctor; "the code fixes our place, and it would not -have been lawful to change it. If we could have stood at your side, or -behind you, or in front of you, it--but it would not have been legitimate -and the other parties would have had a just right to complain of our -trying to protect ourselves from danger; infractions of the code are -certainly not permissible in any case whatever." - -Wilson offered no remarks. It seemed to him that there was very little -place here for so much solemnity, but he judged that if a duel where -nobody was in danger or got crippled but the seconds and the outsiders -had nothing ridiculous about it for these gentlemen, his pointing out -that feature would probably not help them to see it. - -He invited them in to take a nightcap, and Howard and the judge accepted, -but the doctor said he would have to go and see how Angelo's principal -wound was getting on. - - [It was now Sunday, and in the afternoon Angelo was to be received - into the Baptist communion by immersion--a doubtful prospect, the - doctor feared.] - - - - -CHAPTER VII - -LUIGI DEFIES GALEN - -When the doctor arrived at Aunt Patsy Cooper's house, he found the lights -going and everybody up and dressed and in a great state of solicitude and -excitement. The twins were stretched on a sofa in the sitting-room, Aunt -Patsy was fussing at Angelo's arm, Nancy was flying around under her -commands, the two young boys were trying to keep out of the way and -always getting in it, in order to see and wonder, Rowena stood apart, -helpless with apprehension and emotion, and Luigi was growling in -unappeasable fury over Angelo's shameful flight. - -As has been reported before, the doctor was a fool--a kind-hearted and -well-meaning one, but with no tact; and as he was by long odds the most -learned physician in the town, and was quite well aware of it, and could -talk his learning with ease and precision, and liked to show off when he -had an audience, he was sometimes tempted into revealing more of a case -than was good for the patient. - -He examined Angelo's wound, and was really minded to say nothing for -once; but Aunt Patsy was so anxious and so pressing that he allowed his -caution to be overcome, and proceeded to empty himself as follows, with -scientific relish: - -"Without going too much into detail, madam--for you would probably not -understand it, anyway--I concede that great care is going to be necessary -here; otherwise exudation of the esophagus is nearly sure to ensue, and -this will be followed by ossification and extradition of the maxillaris -superioris, which must decompose the granular surfaces of the great -infusorial ganglionic system, thus obstructing the action of the -posterior varioloid arteries, and precipitating compound strangulated -sorosis of the valvular tissues, and ending unavoidably in the dispersion -and combustion of the marsupial fluxes and the consequent embrocation of -the bicuspid populo redax referendum rotulorum." - -A miserable silence followed. Aunt Patsy's heart sank, the pallor of -despair invaded her face, she was not able to speak; poor Rowena wrung -her hands in privacy and silence, and said to herself in the bitterness -of her young grief, "There is no hope--it is plain there is no hope"; the -good-hearted negro wench, Nancy, paled to chocolate, then to orange, then -to amber, and thought to herself with yearning sympathy and sorrow, "Po' -thing, he ain' gwyne to las' throo de half o' dat"; small Henry choked -up, and turned his head away to hide his rising tears, and his brother -Joe said to himself, with a sense of loss, "The baptizing's busted, -that's sure." Luigi was the only person who had any heart to speak. He -said, a little bit sharply, to the doctor: - -"Well, well, there's nothing to be gained by wasting precious time; give -him a barrel of pills--I'll take them for him." - -"You?" asked the doctor. - -"Yes. Did you suppose he was going to take them himself?" - -"Why, of course." - -"Well, it's a mistake. He never took a dose of medicine in his life. He -can't." - -"Well, upon my word, it's the most extraordinary thing I ever heard of!" - -"Oh," said Aunt Patsy, as pleased as a mother whose child is being -admired and wondered at; "you'll find that there's more about them that's -wonderful than their just being made in the image of God like the rest of -His creatures, now you can depend on that, I tell you," and she wagged -her complacent head like one who could reveal marvelous things if she -chose. - -The boy Joe began: - -"Why, ma, they ain't made in the im--" - -"You shut up, and wait till you're asked, Joe. I'll let you know when I -want help. Are you looking for something, doctor?" - -The doctor asked for a few sheets of paper and a pen, and said he would -write a prescription; which he did. It was one of Galen's; in fact, it -was Galen's favorite, and had been slaying people for sixteen thousand -years. Galen used it for everything, applied it to everything, said it -would remove everything, from warts all the way through to lungs and it -generally did. Galen was still the only medical authority recognized in -Missouri; his practice was the only practice known to the Missouri -doctors, and his prescriptions were the only ammunition they carried when -they went out for game. - -By and by Dr. Claypool laid down his pen and read the result of his -labors aloud, carefully and deliberately, for this battery must be -constructed on the premises by the family, and mistakes could occur; -for he wrote a doctor's hand the hand which from the beginning of time -has been so disastrous to the apothecary and so profitable to the -undertaker: - -"Take of afarabocca, henbane, corpobalsamum, each two drams and a half: -of cloves, opium, myrrh, cyperus, each two drams; of opobalsamum, Indian -leaf, cinnamon, zedoary, ginger, coftus, coral, cassia, euphorbium, gum -tragacanth, frankincense, styrax calamita, Celtic, nard, spignel, -hartwort, mustard, saxifrage, dill, anise, each one dram; of xylaloes, -rheum ponticum, alipta, moschata, castor, spikenard, galangals, opoponax, -anacardium, mastich, brimstone, peony, eringo, pulp of dates, red and -white hermodactyls, roses, thyme, acorns, pennyroyal, gentian, the bark -of the root of mandrake, germander, valerian, bishop's-weed, bayberries, -long and white pepper, xylobalsamum, carnabadium, macedonian, parsley -seeds, lovage, the seeds of rue, and sinon, of each a dram and a half; of -pure gold, pure silver, pearls not perforated, the blatta byzantina, the -bone of the stag's heart, of each the quantity of fourteen grains of -wheat; of sapphire, emerald and jasper stones, each one dram; of hazel- -nuts, two drams; of pellitory of Spain, shavings of ivory, calamus -odoratus, each the quantity of twenty-nine grains of wheat; of honey or -sugar a sufficient quantity. Boil down and skim off." - -"There," he said, "that will fix the patient; give his brother a -dipperful every three-quarters of an hour--" - -"--while he survives," muttered Luigi-- - -"--and see that the room is kept wholesomely hot, and the doors and -windows closed tight. Keep Count Angelo nicely covered up with six or -seven blankets, and when he is thirsty--which will be frequently--moisten -a 'rag in the vapor of the tea kettle and let his brother suck it. When -he is hungry--which will also be frequently he must not be humored -oftener than every seven or eight hours; then toast part of a cracker -until it begins to brown, and give it to his brother." - -"That is all very well, as far as Angelo is concerned," said Luigi, "but -what am I to eat?" - -"I do not see that there is anything the matter with you," the doctor -answered, "you may, of course, eat what you please." - -"And also drink what I please, I suppose?" - -"Oh, certainly--at present. When the violent and continuous perspiring -has reduced your strength, I shall have to reduce your diet, of course, -and also bleed you, but there is no occasion for that yet awhile." He -turned to Aunt Patsy and said: "He must be put to bed, and sat up with, -and tended with the greatest care, and not allowed to stir for several -days and nights." - -"For one, I'm sacredly thankful for that," said Luigi, "it postpones the -funeral--I'm not to be drowned to-day, anyhow." - -Angelo said quietly to the doctor: - -"I will cheerfully submit to all your requirements, sir, up to two -o'clock this afternoon, and will resume them after three, but cannot be -confined to the house during that intermediate hour." - -"Why, may I ask?" - -"Because I have entered the Baptist communion, and by appointment am to -be baptised in the river at that hour." - -"Oh, insanity!--it cannot be allowed!" - -Angelo answered with placid firmness: - -"Nothing shall prevent it, if I am alive." - -"Why, consider, my dear sir, in your condition it might prove fatal." - -A tender and ecstatic smile beamed from Angelo's eyes, and he broke forth -in a tone of joyous fervency: - -"Ah, how blessed it would be to die for such a cause--it would be -martyrdom!" - -"But your brother--consider your brother; you would be risking his life, -too." - -"He risked mine an hour ago," responded Angelo, gloomily; "did he -consider me?" A thought swept through his mind that made him shudder. -"If I had not run, I might have been killed in a duel on the Sabbath day, -and my soul would have been lost--lost." - -"Oh, don't fret, it wasn't in any danger," said Luigi, irritably; "they -wouldn't waste it for a little thing like that; there's a glass case all -ready for it in the heavenly museum, and a pin to stick it up with." - -Aunt Patsy was shocked, and said: - -"Looy, Looy!--don't talk so, dear!" - -Rowena's soft heart was pierced by Luigi's unfeeling words, and she -murmured to herself, "Oh, if I but had the dear privilege of protecting -and defending him with my weak voice!--but alas! this sweet boon is -denied me by the cruel conventions of social intercourse." - -"Get their bed ready," said Aunt Patsy to Nancy, "and shut up the windows -and doors, and light their candles, and see that you drive all the -mosquitoes out of their bar, and make up a good fire in their stove, and -carry up some bags of hot ashes to lay to his feet--" - -"--and a shovel of fire for his head, and a mustard plaster for his neck, -and some gum shoes for his ears," Luigi interrupted, with temper; and -added, to himself, "Damnation, I'm going to be roasted alive, I just know -it!" - -"Why, Looy! Do be quiet; I never saw such a fractious thing. A body -would think you didn't care for your brother." - -"I don't--to that extent, Aunt Patsy. I was glad the drowning was -postponed a minute ago, but I'm not now. No, that is all gone by; I want -to be drowned." - -"You'll bring a judgment on yourself just as sure as you live, if you go -on like that. Why, I never heard the beat of it. Now, there--there! -you've said enough. Not another word out of you--I won't have it!" - -"But, Aunt Patsy--" - -"Luigi! Didn't you hear what I told you?" - -"But, Aunt Patsy, I--why, I'm not going to set my heart and lungs afloat -in that pail of sewage which this criminal here has been prescri--" - -"Yes, you are, too. You are going to be good, and do everything I tell -you, like a dear," and she tapped his cheek affectionately with her -finger. "Rowena, take the prescription and go in the kitchen and hunt up -the things and lay them out for me. I'll sit up with my patient the rest -of the night, doctor; I can't trust Nancy, she couldn't make Luigi take -the medicine. Of course, you'll drop in again during the day. Have you -got any more directions?" - -"No, I believe not, Aunt Patsy. If I don't get in earlier, I'll be along -by early candle-light, anyway. Meantime, don't allow him to get out of -his bed." - -Angelo said, with calm determination: - -"I shall be baptized at two o'clock. Nothing but death shall prevent -me." - -The doctor said nothing aloud, but to himself he said: - -"Why, this chap's got a manly side, after all! Physically he's a coward, -but morally he's a lion. I'll go and tell the others about this; it will -raise him a good deal in their estimation--and the public will follow -their lead, of course." - -Privately, Aunt Patsy applauded too, and was proud of Angelo's courage in -the moral field as she was of Luigi's in the field of honor. - -The boy Henry was troubled, but the boy Joe said, inaudibly, and -gratefully, "We're all honky, after all; and no postponement on account -of the weather." - - - - -CHAPTER VIII - -BAPTISM OF THE BETTER HALF - -By nine o'clock the town was humming with the news of the midnight duel, -and there were but two opinions about it: one, that Luigi's pluck in the -field was most praiseworthy and Angela's flight most scandalous; the -other, that Angelo's courage in flying the field for conscience' sake was -as fine and creditable as was Luigi's in holding the field in the face of -the bullets. The one opinion was held by half of the town, the other one -was maintained by the other half. The division was clean and exact, and -it made two parties, an Angela party and a Luigi party. The twins had -suddenly become popular idols along with Pudd'nhead Wilson, and haloed -with a glory as intense as his. The children talked the duel all the way -to Sunday-school, their elders talked it all the way to church, the choir -discussed it behind their red curtain, it usurped the place of pious -thought in the "nigger gallery." - -By noon the doctor had added the news, and spread it, that Count Angelo, -in spite of his wound and all warnings and supplications, was resolute in -his determination to be baptized at the hour appointed. This swept the -town like wildfire, and mightily reinforced the enthusiasm of the Angelo -faction, who said, "If any doubted that it was moral courage that took -him from the field, what have they to say now!" - -Still the excitement grew. All the morning it was traveling countryward, -toward all points of the compass; so, whereas before only the farmers and -their wives were intending to come and witness the remarkable baptism, -a general holiday was now proclaimed and the children and negroes -admitted to the privileges of the occasion. All the farms for ten miles -around were vacated, all the converging roads emptied long processions of -wagons, horses, and yeomanry into the town. The pack and cram of people -vastly exceeded any that had ever been seen in that sleepy region before. -The only thing that had ever even approached it, was the time long gone -by, but never forgotten, nor even referred to without wonder and pride, -when two circuses and a Fourth of July fell together. But the glory of -that occasion was extinguished now for good. It was but a freshet to -this deluge. - -The great invasion massed itself on the river-bank and waited hungrily -for the immense event. Waited, and wondered if it would really happen, -or if the twin who was not a "professor" would stand out and prevent it. - -But they were not to be disappointed. Angela was as good as his word. -He came attended by an escort of honor composed of several hundred of the -best citizens, all of the Angelo party; and when the immersion was -finished they escorted him back home and would even have carried him on -their shoulders, but that people might think they were carrying Luigi. - -Far into the night the citizens continued to discuss and wonder over the -strangely mated pair of incidents that had distinguished and exalted the -past twenty-four hours above any other twenty-four in the history of -their town for picturesqueness and splendid interest; and long before the -lights were out and burghers asleep it had been decided on all hands that -in capturing these twins Dawson's Landing had drawn a prize in the great -lottery of municipal fortune. - -At midnight Angelo was sleeping peacefully. His immersion had not harmed -him, it had merely made him wholesomely drowsy, and he had been dead -asleep many hours now. It had made Luigi drowsy, too, but he had got -only brief naps, on account of his having to take the medicine every -three-quarters of an hour-and Aunt Betsy Hale was there to see that he -did it. When he complained and resisted, she was quietly firm with him, -and said in a low voice: - -"No-no, that won't do; you mustn't talk, and you mustn't retch and gag -that way, either--you'll wake up your poor brother." - -"Well, what of it, Aunt Betsy, he--" - -"'Sh-h! Don't make a noise, dear. You mustn't: forget that your poor -brother is sick and--" - -"Sick, is he? Well, I wish I--" - -"'Sh-h-h! Will you be quiet, Luigi! Here, now, take the rest of it-- -don't keep me holding the dipper all night. I declare if you haven't -left a good fourth of it in the bottom! Come-that's a good-- - -"Aunt Betsy, don't make me! I feel like I've swallowed a cemetery; I do, -indeed. Do let me rest a little--just a little; I can't take any more of -the devilish stuff now." - -"Luigi! Using such language here, and him just baptized! Do you want -the roof to fall on you?" - -"I wish to goodness it would!" - -"Why, you dreadful thing! I've a good notion to--let that blanket alone; -do you want your, brother to catch his death?" - -"Aunt Betsy, I've got to have it off, I'm being roasted alive; nobody -could stand it--you couldn't yourself." - -"Now, then, you're sneezing again--I just expected it." - -"Because I've caught a cold in my head. I always do, when I go in the -water with my clothes on. And it takes me weeks to get over it, too. -I think it was a shame to serve me so." - -"Luigi, you are unreasonable; you know very well they couldn't baptize -him dry. I should think you would be willing to undergo a little -inconvenience for your brother's sake." - -"Inconvenience! Now how you talk, Aunt Betsy. I came as near as -anything to getting drowned you saw that yourself; and do you call this -inconvenience?--the room shut up as tight as a drum, and so hot the -mosquitoes are trying to get out; and a cold in the head, and dying for -sleep and no chance to get any--on account of this infamous medicine that -that assassin prescri--" - -"There, you're sneezing again. I'm going down and mix some more of this -truck for you, dear." - - - - -CHAPTER IX - -THE DRINKLESS DRUNK - -During Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday the twins grew steadily worse; but -then the doctor was summoned South to attend his mother's funeral, and -they got well in forty-eight hours. They appeared on the street on -Friday, and were welcomed with enthusiasm by the new-born parties, the -Luigi and Angelo factions. The Luigi faction carried its strength into -the Democratic party, the Angelo faction entered into a combination with -the Whigs. The Democrats nominated Luigi for alderman under the new city -government, and the Whigs put up Angelo against him. The Democrats -nominated Pudd'nhead Wilson for mayor, and he was left alone in this -glory, for the Whigs had no man who was willing to enter the lists -against such a formidable opponent. No politician had scored such a -compliment as this before in the history of the Mississippi Valley. - -The political campaign in Dawson's Landing opened in a pretty warm -fashion, and waned hotter every week. Luigi's whole heart was in it, -and even Angelo developed a surprising amount of interest-which was -natural, because he was not merely representing Whigism, a matter of no -consequence to him; but he was representing something immensely finer and -greater--to wit, Reform. In him was centered the hopes of the whole -reform element of the town; he was the chosen and admired champion of -every clique that had a pet reform of any sort or kind at heart. He was -president of the great Teetotalers' Union, its chiefest prophet and -mouthpiece. - -But as the canvass went on, troubles began to spring up all around-- -troubles for the twins, and through them for all the parties and segments -and factions of parties. Whenever Luigi had possession of the legs, he -carried Angelo to balls, rum shops, Sons of Liberty parades, horse- -races, campaign riots, and everywhere else that could damage him with his -party and the church; and when it was Angelo's week he carried Luigi -diligently to all manner of moral and religious gatherings, doing his -best to regain the ground he had lost before. As a result of these -double performances, there was a storm blowing all the time, an ever- -rising storm, too--a storm of frantic criticism of the twins, and rage -over their extravagant, incomprehensible conduct. - -Luigi had the final chance. The legs were his for the closing week of -the canvass. He led his brother a fearful dance. - -But he saved his best card for the very eve of the election. There was -to be a grand turnout of the Teetotalers' Union that day, and Angelo was -to march at the head of the procession and deliver a great oration -afterward. Luigi drank a couple of glasses of whisky--which steadied his -nerves and clarified his mind, but made Angelo drunk. Everybody who saw -the march, saw that the Champion of the Teetotalers was half seas over, -and noted also that his brother, who made no hypocritical pretensions to -extra temperance virtues, was dignified and sober. This eloquent fact -could not be unfruitful at the end of a hot political canvass. At the -mass-meeting Angelo tried to make his great temperance oration, but was -so discommoded--by hiccoughs and thickness of tongue that he had to give -it up; then drowsiness overtook him and his head drooped against Luigi's -and he went to sleep. Luigi apologized for him, and was going on to -improve his opportunity with an appeal for a moderation of what he called -"the prevailing teetotal madness," but persons in the audience began to -howl and throw things at him, and then the meeting rose in wrath and -chased him home. - -This episode was a crusher for Angelo in another way. It destroyed his -chances with Rowena. Those chances had been growing, right along, for -two months. Rowena had partly confessed that she loved him, but wanted -time to consider. Now the tender dream was ended, and she told him so -the moment he was sober enough to understand. She said she would never -marry a man who drank. - -"But I don't drink," he pleaded. - -"That is nothing to the point," she said, coldly, "you get drunk, and -that is worse." - -[There was a long and sufficiently idiotic discussion here, which ended -as reported in a previous note.] - - - - -CHAPTER X - -SO THEY HANGED LUIGI - -Dawson's Landing had a week of repose, after the election, and it needed -it, for the frantic and variegated nightmare which had tormented it all -through the preceding week had left it limp, haggard, and exhausted at -the end. It got the week of repose because Angelo had the legs, and was -in too subdued a condition to want to go out and mingle with an irritated -community that had come to disgust and detest him because there was such -a lack of harmony between his morals, which were confessedly excellent, -and his methods of illustrating them, which were distinctly damnable. -The new city officers were sworn in on the following Monday--at least all -but Luigi. There was a complication in his case. His election was -conceded, but he could not sit in the board of aldermen without his -brother, and his brother could not sit there because he was not a member. -There seemed to be no way out of the difficulty but to carry the matter -into the courts, so this was resolved upon. - -The case was set for the Monday fortnight. In due course the time -arrived. In the mean time the city government had been at a standstill, -because with out Luigi there was a tie in the board of aldermen, whereas -with him the liquor interest--the richest in the political field--would -have one majority. But the court decided that Angelo could not sit in -the board with him, either in public or executive sessions, and at the -same time forbade the board to deny admission to Luigi, a fairly and -legally chosen alderman. The case was carried up and up from court to -court, yet still the same old original decision was confirmed every time. -As a result, the city government not only stood still, with its hands -tied, but everything it was created to protect and care for went a steady -gait toward rack and ruin. There was no way to levy a tax, so the minor -officials had to resign or starve; therefore they resigned. There being -no city money, the enormous legal expenses on both sides had to be -defrayed by private subscription. But at last the people came to their -senses, and said: - -"Pudd'nhead was right at the start--we ought to have hired the official -half of that human phillipene to resign; but it's too late now; some of -us haven't got anything left to hire him with." - -"Yes, we have," said another citizen, "we've got this"--and he produced a -halter. - -Many shouted: "That's the ticket." But others said: "No--Count Angelo is -innocent; we mustn't hang him." - -"Who said anything about hanging him? We are only going to hang the -other one." - -"Then that is all right--there is no objection to that." - -So they hanged Luigi. And so ends the history of "Those Extraordinary -Twins." - - - - -FINAL REMARKS - -As you see, it was an extravagant sort of a tale, and had no purpose but -to exhibit that monstrous "freak" in all sorts of grotesque lights. But -when Roxy wandered into the tale she had to be furnished with something -to do; so she changed the children in the cradle; this necessitated the -invention of a reason for it; this, in turn, resulted in making the -children prominent personages--nothing could prevent it of course. Their -career began to take a tragic aspect, and some one had to be brought in -to help work the machinery; so Pudd'nhead Wilson was introduced and taken -on trial. By this time the whole show was being run by the new people -and in their interest, and the original show was become side-tracked and -forgotten; the twin-monster, and the heroine, and the lads, and the old -ladies had dwindled to inconsequentialities and were merely in the way. -Their story was one story, the new people's story was another story, and -there was no connection between them, no interdependence, no kinship. -It is not practicable or rational to try to tell two stories at the same -time; so I dug out the farce and left the tragedy. - -The reader already knew how the expert works; he knows now how the other -kind do it. - -MARK TWAIN. - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg Etext Those Extraordinary Twins, by Mark Twain - |