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diff --git a/old/mtext10.txt b/old/mtext10.txt deleted file mode 100644 index e74405a..0000000 --- a/old/mtext10.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2964 +0,0 @@ -Project Gutenberg Etext Those Extraordinary Twins, by Mark Twain -#46 in our series by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) - -Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check -the laws for your country before redistributing these files!!! - -Please take a look at the important information in this header. -We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an -electronic path open for the next readers. - -Please do not remove this. - -This should be the first thing seen when anyone opens the book. -Do not change or edit it without written permission. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.12.12.00*END* - - - - - -This etext was produced by David Widger <widger@cecomet.net> - - - - - -Those Extraordinary Twins - -by Mark Twain - - - - -A man who is born with the novel-writing gift has a troublesome time of -it when he tries to build a novel. I know this from experience. He has -no clear idea of his story; in fact he has no story. He merely has some -people in his mind, and an incident or two, also a locality. He knows -these people, he knows the selected locality, and he trusts that he can -plunge those people into those incidents with interesting results. So he -goes to work. To write a novel? No--that is a thought which comes -later; in the beginning he is only proposing to tell a little tale; a -very little tale; a six-page tale. But as it is a tale which he is not -acquainted with, and can only find out what it is by listening as it goes -along telling itself, it is more than apt to go on and on and on till it -spreads itself into a book. I know about this, because it has happened -to me so many times. - -And I have noticed another thing: that as the short tale grows into the -long tale, the original intention (or motif) is apt to get abolished and -find itself superseded by a quite different one. It was so in the case -of a magazine sketch which I once started to write--a funny and fantastic -sketch about a prince and a pauper; it presently assumed a grave cast of -its own accord, and in that new shape spread itself out into a book. -Much the same thing happened with "Pudd'nhead Wilson." I had a -sufficiently hard time with that tale, because it changed itself from a -farce to a tragedy while I was going along with it--a most embarrassing -circumstance. But what was a great deal worse was, that it was not one -story, but two stories tangled together; and they obstructed and -interrupted each other at every turn and created no end of confusion and -annoyance. I could not offer the book for publication, for I was afraid -it would unseat the reader's reason. I did not know what was the matter -with it, for I had not noticed, as yet, that it was two stories in one. -It took me months to make that discovery. I carried the manuscript back -and forth across the Atlantic two or three times, and read it and studied -over it on shipboard; and at last I saw where the difficulty lay. I had -no further trouble. I pulled one of the stories out by the roots, and -left the other one--a kind of literary Caesarean operation. - -Would the reader care to know something about the story which I pulled -out? He has been told many a time how the born-and-trained novelist -works. Won't he let me round and complete his knowledge by telling him -how the jack-leg does it? - -Originally the story was called "Those Extraordinary Twins." I meant to -make it very short. I had seen a picture of a youthful Italian "freak" -or "freaks" which was--or which were--on exhibition in our cities--a -combination consisting of two heads and four arms joined to a single body -and a single pair of legs--and I thought I would write an extravagantly -fantastic little story with this freak of nature for hero--or heroes-- -a silly young miss for heroine, and two old ladies and two boys for the -minor parts. I lavishly elaborated these people and their doings, of -course. But the tale kept spreading along, and spreading along, and -other people got to intruding themselves and taking up more and more room -with their talk and their affairs. Among them came a stranger named -Pudd'nhead Wilson, and a woman named Roxana; and presently the doings of -these two pushed up into prominence a young fellow named Tom Driscoll, -whose proper place was away in the obscure background. Before the book -was half finished those three were taking things almost entirely into -their own hands and working the whole tale as a private venture of their -own--a tale which they had nothing at all to do with, by rights. - -When the book was finished and I came to look around to see what had -become of the team I had originally started out with--Aunt Patsy Cooper, -Aunt Betsy Hale, the two boys, and Rowena the light-weight heroine--they -were nowhere to be seen; they had disappeared from the story some time or -other. I hunted about and found them found them stranded, idle, -forgotten, and permanently useless. It was very awkward. It was awkward -all around; but more particularly in the case of Rowena, because there -was a love-match on, between her and one of the twins that constituted -the freak, and I had worked it up to a blistering heat and thrown in a -quite dramatic love-quarrel, wherein Rowena scathingly denounced her -betrothed for getting drunk, and scoffed at his explanation of how it had -happened, and wouldn't listen to it, and had driven him from her in the -usual "forever" way; and now here she sat crying and broken-hearted; for -she had found that he had spoken only the truth; that it was not he, but -the other half of the freak, that had drunk the liquor that made him -drunk; that her half was a prohibitionist and had never drunk a drop in -his life, and, although tight as a brick three days in the week, was -wholly innocent of blame; and indeed, when sober, was constantly doing -all he could to reform his brother, the other half, who never got any -satisfaction out of drinking, anyway, because liquor never affected him. -Yes, here she was, stranded with that deep injustice of hers torturing -her poor torn heart. - -I didn't know what to do with her. I was as sorry for her as anybody -could be, but the campaign was over, the book was finished, she was -sidetracked, and there was no possible way of crowding her in, anywhere. -I could not leave her there, of course; it would not do. After spreading -her out so, and making such a to-do over her affairs, it would be -absolutely necessary to account to the reader for her. I thought and -thought and studied and studied; but I arrived at nothing. I finally saw -plainly that there was really no way but one--I must simply give her the -grand bounce. It grieved me to do it, for after associating with her so -much I had come to kind of like her after a fashion, notwithstanding she -was such an ass and said such stupid irritating things and was so -nauseatingly sentimental. Still it had to be done. So, at the top of -Chapter XVII, I put in a "Calendar" remark concerning July Fourth, and -began the chapter with this statistic: - -"Rowena went out in the back yard after supper to see the fireworks and -fell down the well and got drowned." - -It seemed abrupt, but I thought maybe the reader wouldn't notice it, -because I changed the subject right away to something else. Anyway it -loosened up Rowena from where she was stuck and got her out of the way, -and that was the main thing. It seemed a prompt good way of weeding out -people that had got stalled, and a plenty good enough way for those -others; so I hunted up the two boys and said "they went out back one -night to stone the cat and fell down the well and got drowned." Next I -searched around and found old Aunt Patsy Cooper and Aunt Betsy Hale where -they were aground, and said "they went out back one night to visit the -sick and fell down the well and got drowned." I was going to drown some -of the others, but I gave up the idea, partly because I believed that if -I kept that up it would arouse attention, and perhaps sympathy with those -people, and partly because it was not a large well and would not hold any -more anyway. - -Still the story was unsatisfactory. Here was a set of new characters who -were become inordinately prominent and who persisted in remaining so to -the end; and back yonder was an older set who made a large noise and a -great to-do for a little while and then suddenly played out utterly and -fell down the well. There was a radical defect somewhere, and I must -search it out and cure it. - -The defect turned out to be the one already spoken of--two stories in -one, a farce and a tragedy. So I pulled out the farce and left the -tragedy. This left the original team in, but only as mere names, not as -characters. Their prominence was wholly gone; they were not even worth -drowning; so I removed that detail. Also I took those twins apart and -made two separate men of them. They had no occasion to have foreign -names now, but it was too much trouble to remove them all through, so I -left them christened as they were and made no explanation. - - - - - - -CHAPTER I - -THE TWINS AS THEY REALLY WERE - -The conglomerate twins were brought on the the stage in Chapter I of the -original extravaganza. Aunt Patsy Cooper has received their letter -applying for board and lodging, and Rowena, her daughter, insane with -joy, is begging for a hearing of it: - -"Well, set down then, and be quiet a minute and don't fly around so; it -fairly makes me tired to see you. It starts off so: 'HONORED MADAM'--" - -"I like that, ma, don't you? It shows they're high-bred." - -"Yes, I noticed that when I first read it. 'My brother and I have seen -your advertisement, by chance, in a copy of your local journal--' - -"It's so beautiful and smooth, ma-don't you think so?" - -"Yes, seems so to me--'and beg leave to take the room you offer. We are -twenty-four years of age, and twins--'" - -"Twins ! How sweet! I do hope they are handsome, and I just know they -are! Don't you hope they are, ma?" - -"Land, I ain't particular. 'We are Italians by birth--'" - -"It's so romantic! Just think there's never been one in this town, and -everybody will want to see them, and they're all ours! Think of that!" - -"--'but have lived long in the various countries of Europe, and several -years in the United States.'" - -"Oh, just think what wonders they've seen, ma! Won't it be good to hear -them talk?" - -"I reckon so; yes, I reckon so. 'Our names are Luigi and Angelo Capello- --'" - -"Beautiful, perfectly beautiful! Not like Jones and Robinson and those -horrible names." - -"'You desire but one guest, but dear madam, if you will allow us to pay -for two we will not discommode you. We will sleep together in the same -bed. We have always been used to this, and prefer it. And then he goes -on to say they will be down Thursday." - -"And this is Tuesday--I don't know how I'm ever going to wait, ma! The -time does drag along so, and I'm so dying to see them! Which of them do -you reckon is the tallest, ma?" - -"How do you s'pose I can tell, child? Mostly they are the same -size-twins are." - -"'Well then, which do you reckon is the best looking?" - -"Goodness knows--I don't." - -"I think Angelo is; it's the prettiest name, anyway. Don't you think -it's a sweet name, ma?" - -"Yes, it's well enough. I'd like both of them better if I knew the way -to pronounce them--the Eyetalian way, I mean. The Missouri way and the -Eyetalian way is different, I judge." - -"Maybe--yes. It's Luigi that writes the letter. What do you reckon is -the reason Angelo didn't write it?" - -"Why, how can I tell? What's the difference who writes it, so long as -it's done?" - -"Oh, I hope it wasn't because he is sick! You don't think he is sick, do -you, ma?" - -"Sick your granny; what's to make him sick?" - -"Oh, there's never any telling. These foreigners with that kind of names -are so delicate, and of course that kind of names are not suited to our -climate--you wouldn't expect it." - - -[And so-on and so-on, no end. The time drags along; Thursday comes: the -boat arrives in a pouring storm toward midnight.] - - -At last there was a knock at the door and the anxious family jumped to -open it. Two negro men entered, each carrying a trunk, and proceeded -upstairs toward the guest-room. Then followed a stupefying apparition-- -a double-headed human creature with four arms, one body, and a single -pair of legs! It--or they, as you please--bowed with elaborate foreign -formality, but the Coopers could not respond immediately; they were -paralyzed. At this moment there came from the rear of the group a -fervent ejaculation--"My lan'!"--followed by a crash of crockery, and the -slave-wench Nancy stood petrified and staring, with a tray of wrecked -tea-things at her feet. The incident broke the spell, and brought the -family to consciousness. The beautiful heads of the new-comer bowed -again, and one of them said with easy grace and dignity: - -"I crave the honor, madam and miss, to introduce to you my brother, Count -Luigi Capello," (the other head bowed) "and myself--Count Angelo; and at -the same time offer sincere apologies for the lateness of our coming, -which was unavoidable," and both heads bowed again. - -The poor old lady was in a whirl of amazement and confusion, but she -managed to stammer out: - -"I'm sure I'm glad to make your acquaintance, sir--I mean, gentlemen. -As for the delay, it is nothing, don't mention it. This is my daughter -Rowena, sir--gentlemen. Please step into the parlor and sit down and -have a bite and sup; you are dreadful wet and must be uncomfortable-- -both of you, I mean." - -But to the old lady's relief they courteously excused themselves, saying -it would be wrong to keep the family out of their beds longer; then each -head bowed in turn and uttered a friendly good night, and the singular -figure moved away in the wake of Rowena's small brothers, who bore -candles, and disappeared up the stairs. - -The widow tottered into the parlor and sank into a chair with a gasp, -and Rowena followed, tongue-tied and dazed. The two sat silent in the -throbbing summer heat unconscious of the million-voiced music of the -mosquitoes, unconscious of the roaring gale, the lashing and thrashing of -the rain along the windows and the roof, the white glare of the -lightning, the tumultuous booming and bellowing of the thunder; conscious -of nothing but that prodigy, that uncanny apparition that had come and -gone so suddenly--that weird strange thing that was so soft-spoken and so -gentle of manner and yet had shaken them up like an earthquake with the -shock of its gruesome aspect. At last a cold little shudder quivered -along down the widow's meager frame and she said in a weak voice: - -"Ugh, it was awful just the mere look of that phillipene!" - -Rowena did not answer. Her faculties were still caked; she had not yet -found her voice. Presently the widow said, a little resentfully: - -"Always been used to sleeping together--in-fact, prefer it. And I was -thinking it was to accommodate me. I thought it was very good of them, -whereas a person situated as that young man is--" - -"Ma, you oughtn't to begin by getting up a prejudice against him. -I'm sure he is good-hearted and means well. Both of his faces show it." - -"I'm not so certain about that. The one on the left--I mean the one on -it's left--hasn't near as good a face, in my opinion, as its brother." - -"That's Luigi." - -"Yes, Luigi; anyway it's the dark-skinned one; the one that was west of -his brother when they stood in the door. Up to all kinds of mischief and -disobedience when he was a boy, I'll be bound. I lay his mother had -trouble to lay her hand on him when she wanted him. But the one on the -right is as good as gold, I can see that." - -"That's Angelo." - -"Yes, Angelo, I reckon, though I can't tell t'other from which by their -names, yet awhile. But it's the right-hand one--the blond one. He has -such kind blue eyes, and curly copper hair and fresh complexion--" - -"And such a noble face!--oh, it is a noble face, ma, just royal, you may -say! And beautiful deary me, how beautiful! But both are that; the dark -one's as beautiful as--a picture. There's no such wonderful faces and -handsome heads in this town none that even begin. And such hands, -especially Angelo's--so shapely and--" - -"Stuff, how could you tell which they belonged to?--they had gloves on." - -"Why, didn't I see them take off their hats?" - -"That don't signify. They might have taken off each other's hats. -Nobody could tell. There was just a wormy squirming of arms in the air ---seemed to be a couple of dozen of them, all writhing at once, and it -just made me dizzy to see them go." - -"Why, ma, I hadn't any difficulty. There's two arms on each shoulder--" - -"There, now. One arm on each shoulder belongs to each of the creatures, -don't it? For a person to have two arms on one shoulder wouldn't do him -any good, would it? Of course not. Each has an arm on each shoulder. -Now then, you tell me which of them belongs to which, if you can. They -don't know, themselves--they just work whichever arm comes handy. Of -course they do; especially if they are in a hurry and can't stop to think -which belongs to which." - -The mother seemed to have the rights of the argument, so the daughter -abandoned the struggle. Presently the widow rose with a yawn and said: - -"Poor thing, I hope it won't catch cold; it was powerful wet, just -drenched, you may say. I hope it has left its boots outside, so they can -be dried." - -Then she gave a little start, and looked perplexed. - -"Now I remember I heard one of them ask Joe to call him at half after -seven--I think it was the one on the left--no, it was the one to the east -of the other one--but I didn't hear the other one say any thing. I -wonder if he wants to be called too. Do you reckon it's too late to -ask?" - -"Why, ma, it's not necessary. Calling one is calling both. If one gets -up, the other's got to." - -"Sho, of course; I never thought of that. Well, come along, maybe we can -get some sleep, but I don't know, I'm so shook up with what we've been -through." - -The stranger had made an impression on the boys, too. They had a word of -talk as they were getting to bed. Henry, the gentle, the humane, said: - -"I feel ever so sorry for it, don't you, Joe?" - -But Joe was a boy of this world, active, enterprising, and had a -theatrical side to him: - -"Sorry? Why, how you talk! It can't stir a step without attracting -attention. It's just grand!" - -Henry said,, reproachfully: - -"Instead of pitying it, Joe, you talk as if--" - -"Talk as if what? I know one thing mighty certain: if you can fix me so -I can eat for two and only have to stub toes for one, I ain't going to -fool away no such chance just for sentiment." - -The twins were wet and tired, and they proceeded to undress without-any -preliminary remarks. The abundance of sleeve made the partnership coat -hard to get off, for it was like skinning a tarantula; but it came at -last, after much tugging and perspiring. The mutual vest followed. Then -the brothers stood up before the glass, and each took off his own cravat -and collar. The collars were of the standing kind, and came high up -under the ears, like the sides of a wheelbarrow, as required by the -fashion of the day. The cravats were as broad as a bank-bill, with -fringed ends which stood far out to right and left like the wings of a -dragon-fly, and this also was strictly in accordance with the fashion of -the time. Each cravat, as to color, was in perfect taste, so far as its -owner's complexion was concerned--a delicate pink, in the case of the -blond brother, a violent scarlet in the case of the brunette--but as a -combination they broke all the laws of taste known to civilization. -Nothing more fiendish and irreconcilable than those shrieking and -blaspheming colors could have been contrived, The wet boots gave no end -of trouble--to Luigi. When they were off at last, Angelo said, with -bitterness: - -"I wish you wouldn't wear such tight boots, they hurt my feet." - -Luigi answered with indifference: - -"My friend, when I am in command of our body, I choose my apparel -according to my own convenience, as I have remarked more than several -times already. When you are in command, I beg you will do as you -please." - -Angelo was hurt, and the tears came into his eyes. There was gentle -reproach in his voice, but, not anger, when he replied: - -"Luigi, I often consult your wishes, but you never consult mine. When I -am in command I treat you as a guest; I try to make you feel at home; -when you are in command you treat me as an intruder, you make me feel -unwelcome. It embarrasses me cruelly in company, for I can, see that -people notice it and comment on it." - -"Oh, damn the people," responded the brother languidly, and with the air -of one who is tired of the subject. - -A slight shudder shook the frame of Angelo, but he said nothing and the -conversation ceased. Each buttoned his own share of the nightshirt in -silence; then Luigi, with Paine's Age of Reason in his hand, sat down in -one chair and put his feet in another and lit his pipe, while Angelo took -his Whole Duty of Man, and both began to read. Angelo presently began to -cough; his coughing increased and became mixed with gaspings for breath, -and he was finally obliged to make an appeal to his brother's humanity: - -"Luigi, if you would only smoke a little milder tobacco, I am sure I -could learn not to mind it in time, but this is so strong, and the pipe -is so rank that--" - -"Angelo, I wouldn't be such a baby! I have learned to smoke in a week, -and the trouble is already over with me; if you would try, you could -learn too, and then you would stop spoiling my comfort with your -everlasting complaints." - -"Ah, brother, that is a strong word--everlasting --and isn't quite fair. -I only complain when I suffocate; you know I don't complain when we are -in the open air." - -"Well, anyway, you could learn to smoke yourself." - -"But my principles, Luigi, you forget my principles. You would not have -me do a thing which I regard as a sin?" - -"Oh, bosh!" - -The conversation ceased again, for Angelo was sick and discouraged and -strangling; but after some time he closed his book and asked Luigi to -sing "From Greenland's Icy Mountains" with him, but he would not, and -when he tried to sing by himself Luigi did his best to drown his -plaintive tenor with a rude and rollicking song delivered in a thundering -bass. - -After the singing there was silence, and neither brother was happy. -Before blowing the light out Luigi swallowed half a tumbler of whisky, -and Angelo, whose sensitive organization could not endure intoxicants of -any kind, took a pill to keep it from giving him the headache. - - - - -CHAPTER II - -MA COOPER GETS ALL MIXED UP - -The family sat in the breakfast-room waiting for the twins to come down. -The widow was quiet, the daughter was alive with happy excitement. She -said: - -"Ah, they're a boon, ma, just a boon! don't you think so?" - -"Laws, I hope so, I don't know." - -"Why, ma, yes you do. They're so fine and handsome, and high-bred and -polite, so every way superior to our gawks here in this village; why, -they'll make life different from what it was--so humdrum and commonplace, -you know--oh, you may be sure they're full of accomplishments, and -knowledge of the world, and all that, that will be an immense advantage -to society here. Don't you think so, ma?" - -"Mercy on me, how should I know, and I've hardly set eyes on them yet." -After a pause she added, "They made considerable noise after they went -up." - -"Noise? Why, ma, they were singing! And it was beautiful, too." - -"Oh, it was well enough, but too mixed-up, seemed to me." - -"Now, ma, honor bright, did you ever hear 'Greenland's Icy Mountains' -sung sweeter--now did you?" - -"If it had been sung by itself, it would have been uncommon sweet, I -don't deny it; but what they wanted to mix it up with 'Old Bob Ridley' -for, I can't make out. Why, they don't go together, at all. They are -not of the same nature. 'Bob Ridley' is a common rackety slam-bang -secular song, one of the rippingest and rantingest and noisiest there is. -I am no judge of music, and I don't claim it, but in my opinion nobody -can make those two songs go together right." - -"Why, ma, I thought--" - -"It don't make any difference what you thought, it can't be done. They -tried it, and to my mind it was a failure. I never heard such a crazy -uproar; seemed to me, sometimes, the roof would come off; and as for the -cats--well, I've lived a many a year, and seen cats aggravated in more -ways than one, but I've never seen cats take on the way they took on last -night." - -"Well, I don't think that that goes for anything, ma, because it is the -nature of cats that any sound that is unusual--" - -"Unusual! You may well call it so. Now if they are going to sing duets -every night, I do hope they will both sing the same tune at the same -time, for in my opinion a duet that is made up of two different tunes is -a mistake; especially when the tunes ain't any kin to one another, that -way." - -"But, ma, I think it must be a foreign custom; and it must be right too; -and the best way, because they have had every opportunity to know what is -right, and it don't stand to reason that with their education they would -do anything but what the highest musical authorities have sanctioned. -You can't help but admit that, ma." - -The argument was formidably strong; the old lady could not find any way -around it; so, after thinking it over awhile she gave in with a sigh of -discontent, and admitted that the daughter's position was probably -correct. Being vanquished, she had no mind to continue the topic at that -disadvantage, and was about to seek a change when a change came of -itself. A footstep was heard on the stairs, and she said: - -"There-he's coming!" - -"They, ma--you ought to say they--it's nearer right." - -The new lodger, rather shoutingly dressed but looking superbly handsome, -stepped with courtly carnage into the trim little breakfast-room and put -out all his cordial arms at once, like one of those pocket-knives with a -multiplicity of blades, and shook hands with the whole family -simultaneously. He was so easy and pleasant and hearty that all -embarrassment presently thawed away and disappeared, and a cheery feeling -of friendliness and comradeship took its place. He--or preferably they ---were asked to occupy the seat of honor at the foot of the table. They -consented with thanks, and carved the beefsteak with one set of their -hands while they distributed it at the same time with the other set. - -"Will you have coffee, gentlemen, or tea?" - -"Coffee for Luigi, if you please, madam, tea for me." - -"Cream and sugar?" - -"For me, yes, madam; Luigi takes his coffee, black. Our natures differ a -good deal from each other, and our tastes also." - -The first time the negro girl Nancy appeared in the door and saw the two -heads turned in opposite directions and both talking at once, then saw -the commingling arms feed potatoes into one mouth and coffee into the -other at the same time, she had to pause and pull herself out of a -faintness that came over her; but after that she held her grip and was -able to wait on the table with fair courage. - -Conversation fell naturally into the customary grooves. It was a little -jerky, at first, because none of the family could get smoothly through a -sentence without a wabble in it here and a break there, caused by some -new surprise in the way of attitude or gesture on the part of the twins. -The weather suffered the most. The weather was all finished up and -disposed of, as a subject, before the simple Missourians had gotten -sufficiently wonted to the spectacle of one body feeding two heads to -feel composed and reconciled in the presence of so bizarre a miracle. -And even after everybody's mind became tranquilized there was still one -slight distraction left: the hand that picked up a biscuit carried it to -the wrong head, as often as any other way, and the wrong mouth devoured -it. This was a puzzling thing, and marred the talk a little. It -bothered the widow to such a degree that she presently dropped out of the -conversation without knowing it, and fell to watching and guessing and -talking to herself: - -"Now that hand is going to take that coffee to no, it's gone to the other -mouth; I can't understand it; and how, here is the dark-complected hand -with a potato in its fork, I'll see what goes with it--there, the -light-complected head's got it, as sure as I live!" - -Finally Rowena said: - -"Ma, what is the matter with you? Are you dreaming about something?" - -The old lady came to herself and blushed; then she explained with the -first random thing that came into her mind: "I saw Mr. Angelo take up Mr. -Luigi's coffee, and I thought maybe he--sha'n't I give you a cup, Mr. -Angelo?" - -"Oh no, madam, I am very much obliged, but I never drink coffee, much as -I would like to. You did see me take up Luigi's cup, it is true, but if -you noticed, I didn't carry it to my mouth, but to his." - -"Y-es, I thought you did: Did you mean to?" - -"How?" - -The widow was a little embarrassed again. She said: - -"I don't know but what I'm foolish, and you mustn't mind; but you see, -he got the coffee I was expecting to see you drink, and you got a potato -that I thought he was going to get. So I thought it might be a mistake -all around, and everybody getting what wasn't intended for him." - -Both twins laughed and Luigi said: - -"Dear madam, there wasn't any mistake. We are always helping each other -that way. It is a great economy for us both; it saves time and labor. -We have a system of signs which nobody can notice or understand but -ourselves. If I am using both my hands and want some coffee, I make the -sign and Angelo furnishes it to me; and you saw that when he needed a -potato I delivered it." - -"How convenient!" - -"Yes, and often of the extremest value. Take the Mississippi boats, for -instance. They are always overcrowded. There is table-room for only -half of the passengers, therefore they have to set a second table for the -second half. The stewards rush both parties, they give them no time to -eat a satisfying meal, both divisions leave the table hungry. It isn't -so with us. Angelo books himself for the one table, I book myself for -the other. Neither of us eats anything at the other's table, but just -simply works--works. Thus, you see there are four hands to feed Angelo, -and the same four to feed me. Each of us eats two meals." - -The old lady was dazed with admiration, and kept saying, "It is perfectly -wonderful, perfectly wonderful" and the boy Joe licked his chops -enviously, but said nothing--at least aloud. - -"Yes," continued Luigi, "our construction may have its disadvantages--in -fact, has but it also has its compensations of one sort and another. Take -travel, for instance. Travel is enormously expensive, in all countries; -we have been obliged to do a vast deal of it--come, Angelo, don't put any -more sugar in your tea, I'm just over one indigestion and don't want -another right away--been obliged to do a deal of it, as I was saying. -Well, we always travel as one person, since we occupy but one seat; so we -save half the fare." - -"How romantic!" interjected Rowena, with effusion. - -"Yes, my dear young lady, and how practical too, and economical. In -Europe, beds in the hotels are not charged with the board, but -separately--another saving, for we stood to our rights and paid for the -one bed only. The landlords often insisted that as both of us occupied -the bed we ought--" - -"No, they didn't," said Angelo. "They did it only twice, and in both -cases it was a double bed--a rare thing in Europe--and the double bed -gave them some excuse. Be fair to the landlords; twice doesn't -constitute 'often.'" - -"Well, that depends--that depends. I knew a man who fell down a well -twice. He said he didn't mind the first time, but he thought the second -time was once too often. Have I misused that word, Mrs. Cooper?" - -"To tell the truth, I was afraid you had, but it seems to look, now, like -you hadn't." She stopped, and was evidently struggling with the -difficult problem a moment, then she added in the tone of one who is -convinced without being converted, "It seems so, but I can't somehow tell -why." - -Rowena thought Luigi's retort was wonderfully quick and bright, and she -remarked to herself with satisfaction that there wasn't any young native -of Dawson's Landing that could have risen to the occasion like that. -Luigi detected the applause in her face, and expressed his pleasure and -his thanks with his eyes; and so eloquently withal, that the girl was -proud and pleased, and hung out the delicate sign of it on her cheeks. -Luigi went on, with animation: - -"Both of us get a bath for one ticket, theater seat for one ticket, -pew-rent is on the same basis, but at peep-shows we pay double." - -"We have much to' be thankful for," said Angelo, impressively, with a -reverent light in his eye and a reminiscent tone in his voice, "we have -been greatly blessed. As a rule, what one of us has lacked, the other, -by the bounty of Providence, has been able to supply. My brother is -hardy, I am not; he is very masculine, assertive, aggressive; I am much -less so. I am subject to illness, he is never ill. I cannot abide -medicines, and cannot take them, but he has no prejudice against them, -and--" - -"Why, goodness gracious," interrupted the widow, "when you are sick, does -he take the medicine for you?" - -"Always, madam." - -"Why, I never heard such a thing in my life! I think it's beautiful of -you." - -"Oh, madam, it's nothing, don't mention it, it's really nothing at all." - -"But I say it's beautiful, and I stick to it!" cried the widow, with a -speaking moisture in her eye. - -"A well brother to take the medicine for his poor sick brother--I wish I -had such a son," and she glanced reproachfully at her boys. "I declare -I'll never rest till I've shook you by the hand," and she scrambled out -of her chair in a fever of generous enthusiasm, and made for the twins, -blind with her tears, and began to shake. The boy Joe corrected her: -"You're shaking the wrong one, ma." - -This flurried her, but she made a swift change and went on shaking. - -"Got the wrong one again, ma," said the boy. - -"Oh, shut up, can't you!" said the widow, embarrassed and irritated. -"Give me all your hands, I want to shake them all; for I know you are -both just as good as you can be." - -It was a victorious thought, a master-stroke of diplomacy, though that -never occurred to her and she cared nothing for diplomacy. She shook the -four hands in turn cordially, and went back to her place in a state of -high and fine exultation that made her look young and handsome. - -"Indeed I owe everything to Luigi," said Angelo, affectionately. -"But for him I could not have survived our boyhood days, when we were -friendless and poor--ah, so poor! We lived from hand to mouth-lived on -the coarse fare of unwilling charity, and for weeks and weeks together -not a morsel of food passed my lips, for its character revolted me and I -could not eat it. But for Luigi I should have died. He ate for us -both." - -"How noble!" sighed Rowena. - -"Do you hear that?" said the widow, severely, to her boys. "Let it be an -example to you--I mean you, Joe." - -Joe gave his head a barely perceptible disparaging toss and said: "Et for -both. It ain't anything I'd 'a' done it." - -"Hush, if you haven't got any better manners than that. You don't see -the point at all. It wasn't good food." - -"I don't care--it was food, and I'd 'a' et it if it was rotten." - -"Shame! Such language ! Can't you understand? They were starving- -actually starving--and he ate for both, and--" - -"Shucks! you gimme a chance and I'll--" - -"There, now--close your head! and don't you open it again till you're -asked." - - [Angelo goes on and tells how his parents the Count and Countess had - to fly from Florence for political reasons, and died poor in Berlin - bereft of their great property by confiscation; and how he and Luigi - had to travel with a freak-show during two years and suffer - semi-starvation.] - -"That hateful black-bread; but I seldom ate anything during that time; -that was poor Luigi's affair--" - -"I'll never Mister him again!" cried the widow, with strong emotion, -"he's Luigi to me, from this out!" - -"Thank you a thousand times, madam, a thousand times! though in truth I -don't deserve it." - -"Ah, Luigi is always the fortunate one when honors are showering," said -Angelo, plaintively; "now what have I done, Mrs. Cooper, that you leave -me out? Come, you must strain a point in my favor." - -"Call you Angelo? Why, certainly I will; what are you thinking of! In -the case of twins, why--" - -"But, ma, you're breaking up the story--do let him go on." - -"You keep still, Rowena Cooper, and he can go on all the better, I -reckon. One interruption don't hurt, it's two that makes the trouble." - -"But you've added one, now, and that is three." - -"Rowena! I will not allow you to talk back at me when you have got -nothing rational to say." - - - - -CHAPTER III - -ANGELO IS BLUE - -[After breakfast the whole village crowded in, and there was a grand -reception in honor of the twins; and at the close of it the gifted -"freak" captured everybody's admiration by sitting down at the piano and -knocking out a classic four-handed piece in great style. Then the judge -took it--or them--driving in his buggy and showed off his village.] - -All along the streets the people crowded the windows and stared at the -amazing twins. Troops of small boys flocked after the buggy, excited and -yelling. At first the dogs showed no interest. They thought they merely -saw three men in a buggy--a matter of no consequence; but when they found -out the facts of the case, they altered their opinion pretty radically, -and joined the boys, expressing their minds as they came. Other dogs got -interested; indeed, all the dogs. It was a spirited sight to see them -come leaping fences, tearing around corners, swarming out of every -bystreet and alley. The noise they made was something beyond belief-- -or praise. They did not seem to be moved by malice but only by -prejudice, the common human prejudice against lack of conformity. If the -twins turned their heads, they broke and fled in every direction, but -stopped at a safe distance and faced about; and then formed and came on -again as soon as the strangers showed them their back. Negroes and -farmers' wives took to the woods when the buggy came upon them suddenly, -and altogether the drive was pleasant and animated, and a refreshment all -around. - - [It was a long and lively drive. Angelo was a Methodist, Luigi was - a Free-thinker. The judge was very proud of his Freethinkers' - Society, which was flourishing along in a most prosperous way and - already had two members--himself and the obscure and neglected - Pudd'nhead Wilson. It was to meet that evening, and he invited - Luigi to join; a thing which Luigi was glad to do, partly because it - would please himself, and partly because it would gravel Angelo.] - -They had now arrived at the widow's gate, and the excursion was ended. -The twins politely expressed their obligations for the pleasant outing -which had been afforded them; to which the judge bowed his thanks, -and then said he would now go and arrange for the Free-thinkers' meeting, -and would call for Count Luigi in the evening. - -"For you also, dear sir," he added hastily, turning to Angelo and bowing. -"In addressing myself particularly to your brother, I was not meaning to -leave you out. It was an unintentional rudeness, I assure you, and due -wholly to accident--accident and preoccupation. I beg you to forgive -me." - -His quick eye had seen the sensitive blood mount into Angelo's face, -betraying the wound that had been inflicted. The sting of the slight had -gone deep, but the apology was so prompt, and so evidently sincere, that -the hurt was almost immediately healed, and a forgiving smile testified -to the kindly judge that all was well again. - -Concealed behind Angelo's modest and unassuming exterior, and unsuspected -by any but his intimates, was a lofty pride, a pride of almost abnormal -proportions, indeed, and this rendered him ever the prey of slights; and -although they were almost always imaginary ones, they hurt none the less -on that account. By ill fortune judge Driscoll had happened to touch his -sorest point, i.e., his conviction that his brother's presence was -welcomer everywhere than his own; that he was often invited, out of mere -courtesy, where only his brother was wanted, and that in a majority of -cases he would not be included in an invitation if he could be left out -without offense. A sensitive nature like this is necessarily subject to -moods; moods which traverse the whole gamut of feeling; moods which know -all the climes of emotion, from the sunny heights of joy to the black -abysses of despair. At times, in his seasons of deepest depressions, -Angelo almost wished that he and his brother might become segregated from -each other and be separate individuals, like other men. But of course as -soon as his mind cleared and these diseased imaginings passed away, he -shuddered at the repulsive thought, and earnestly prayed that it might -visit him no more. To be separate, and as other men are! How awkward it -would seem; how unendurable. What would he do with his hands, his arms? -How would his legs feel? How odd, and strange, and grotesque every -action, attitude, movement, gesture would be. To sleep by himself, eat -by himself, walk by himself--how lonely, how unspeakably lonely! No, no, -any fate but that. In every way and from every point, the idea was -revolting. - -This was of course natural; to have felt otherwise would have been -unnatural. He had known no life but a combined one; he had been familiar -with it from his birth; he was not able to conceive of any other as being -agreeable, or even bearable. To him, in the privacy of his secret -thoughts, all other men were monsters, deformities: and during -three-fourths of his life their aspect had filled him with what promised -to be an unconquerable aversion. But at eighteen his eye began to take -note of female beauty; and little by little, undefined longings grew up -in his heart, under whose softening influences the old stubborn aversion -gradually diminished, and finally disappeared. Men were still -monstrosities to him, still deformities, and in his sober moments he had -no desire to be like them, but their strange and unsocial and uncanny -construction was no longer offensive to him. - -This had been a hard day for him, physically and mentally. He had been -called in the morning before he had quite slept off the effects of the -liquor which Luigi had drunk; and so, for the first half-hour had had the -seedy feeling, and languor, the brooding depression, the cobwebby mouth -and druggy taste that come of dissipation and are so ill a preparation -for bodily or intellectual activities; the long violent strain of the -reception had followed; and this had been followed, in turn, by the -dreary sight-seeing, the judge's wearying explanations and laudations of -the sights, and the stupefying clamor of the dogs. As a congruous -conclusion, a fitting end, his feelings had been hurt, a slight had been -put upon him. He would have been glad to forego dinner and betake -himself to rest and sleep, but he held his peace and said no word, for he -knew his brother, Luigi, was fresh, unweary, full of life, spirit, -energy; he would have scoffed at the idea of wasting valuable time on a -bed or a sofa, and would have refused permission. - - - - -CHAPTER IV - -SUPERNATURAL CHRONOMETRY - -Rowena was dining out, Joe and Harry were belated at play, there were but -three chairs and four persons that noon at the home dinner-table-- -the twins, the widow, and her chum, Aunt Betsy Hale. The widow soon -perceived that Angelo's spirits were as low as Luigi's were high, and -also that he had a jaded look. Her motherly solicitude was aroused, and -she tried to get him interested in the talk and win him to a happier -frame of mind, but the cloud of sadness remained on his countenance. -Luigi lent his help, too. He used a form and a phrase which he was -always accustomed to employ in these circumstances. He gave his brother -an affectionate slap on the shoulder and said, encouragingly: - -"Cheer up, the worst is yet to come!" - -But this did no good. It never did. If anything, it made the matter -worse, as a rule, because it irritated Angelo. This made it a favorite -with Luigi. By and by the widow said: - -"Angelo, you are tired, you've overdone yourself; you go right to bed -after dinner, and get a good nap and a rest, then you'll be all right." - -"Indeed, I would give anything if I could do that, madam." - -"And what's to hender, I'd like to know? Land, the room's yours to do -what you please with! The idea that you can't do what you like with your -own!" - -"But, you see, there's one prime essential--an essential of the very -first importance-- which isn't my own." - -"What is that?" - -"My body." - -The old ladies looked puzzled, and Aunt Betsy Hale said: - -"Why bless your heart, how is that?" - -"It's my brother's." - -"Your brother's! I don't quite understand. I supposed it belonged to -both of you." - -"So it does. But not to both at the same time." - -"That is mighty curious; I don't see how it can be. I shouldn't think it -could be managed that way." - -"Oh, it's a good enough arrangement, and goes very well; in fact, it -wouldn't do to have it otherwise. I find that the teetotalers and the -anti-teetotalers hire the use of the same hall for their meetings. Both -parties don't use it at the same time, do they?" - -"You bet they don't!" said both old ladies in a breath. - -"And, moreover," said Aunt Betsy, "the Freethinkers and the Baptist Bible -class use the same room over the Market house, but you can take my word -for it they don't mush up together and use it at the same time.' - -"Very well," said Angelo, "you understand it now. And it stands to -reason that the arrangement couldn't be improved. I'll prove it to you. -If our legs tried to obey two wills, how could we ever get anywhere? -I would start one way, Luigi would start another, at the same moment-- -the result would be a standstill, wouldn't it?" - -"As sure as you are born! Now ain't that wonderful! A body would never -have thought of it." - -"We should always be arguing and fussing and disputing over the merest -trifles. We should lose worlds of time, for we couldn't go down-stairs -or up, couldn't go to bed, couldn't rise, couldn't wash, couldn't dress, -couldn't stand up, couldn't sit down, couldn't even cross our legs, -without calling a meeting first and explaining the case and passing -resolutions, and getting consent. It wouldn't ever do--now would it?" - -"Do? Why, it would wear a person out in a week! Did you ever hear -anything like it, Patsy Cooper?" - -"Oh, you'll find there's more than one thing about them that ain't -commonplace," said the widow, with the complacent air of a person with a -property right in a novelty that is under admiring scrutiny. - -"Well, now, how ever do you manage it? I don't mind saying I'm suffering -to know." - -"He who made us," said Angelo reverently, "and with us this difficulty, -also provided a way out of it. By a mysterious law of our being, each of -us has utter and indisputable command of our body a week at a time, turn -and turn about." - -"Well, I never! Now ain't that beautiful!" - -"Yes, it is beautiful and infinitely wise and just. The week ends every -Saturday at midnight to the minute, to the second, to the last shade of -a fraction of a second, infallibly, unerringly, and in that instant the -one brother's power over the body vanishes and the other brother takes -possession, asleep or awake." - -"How marvelous are His ways, and past finding out!" - -Luigi said: "So exactly to the instant does the change come, that during -our stay in many of the great cities of the world, the public clocks were -regulated by it; and as hundreds of thousands of private clocks and -watches were set and corrected in accordance with the public clocks, we -really furnished the standard time for the entire city." - -"Don't tell me that He don't do miracles any more! Blowing down the -walls of Jericho with rams' horns wa'n't as difficult, in my opinion." - -"And that is not all," said Angelo. "A thing that is even more -marvelous, perhaps, is the fact that the change takes note of longitude -and fits itself to the meridian we are on. Luigi is in command this -week. Now, if on Saturday night at a moment before midnight we could fly -in an instant to a point fifteen degrees west of here, he would hold -possession of the power another hour, for the change observes local time -and no other." - -Betsy Hale was deeply impressed, and said with solemnity: - -"Patsy Cooper, for detail it lays over the Passage of the Red Sea." - -"Now, I shouldn't go as far as that," said Aunt Patsy, "but if you've a -mind to say Sodom and Gomorrah, I am with you, Betsy Hale." - -"I am agreeable, then, though I do think I was right, and I believe -Parson Maltby would say the same. Well, now, there's another thing. -Suppose one of you wants to borrow the legs a minute from the one that's -got them, could he let him?" - -"Yes, but we hardly ever do that. There were disagreeable results, -several times, and so we very seldom ask or grant the privilege, -nowadays, and we never even think of such a thing unless the case is -extremely urgent. Besides, a week's possession at a time seems so little -that we can't bear to spare a minute of it. People who have the use of -their legs all the time never think of what a blessing it is, of course. -It never occurs to them; it's just their natural ordinary condition, -and so it does not excite them at all. But when I wake up, on Sunday -morning, and it's my week and I feel the power all through me, oh, such a -wave of exultation and thanksgiving goes surging over me, and I want to -shout 'I can walk! I can walk!' Madam, do you ever, at your uprising, -want to shout 'I can walk! I can walk!'?" - -"No, you poor unfortunate cretur', but I'll never get out of my bed again -without doing it! Laws, to think I've had this unspeakable blessing all -my long life and never had the grace to thank the good Lord that gave it -to me!" - -Tears stood in the eyes of both the old ladies and the widow said, -softly: - -"Betsy Hale, we have learned something, you and me." - -The conversation now drifted wide, but by and by floated back once more -to that admired detail, the rigid and beautiful impartiality with which -the possession of power had been distributed, between the twins. Aunt -Betsy saw in it a far finer justice than human law exhibits in related -cases. She said: - -"In my opinion it ain't right no, and never has been right, the way a -twin born a quarter of a minute sooner than the other one gets all the -land and grandeurs and nobilities in the old countries and his brother -has to go bare and be a nobody. Which of you was born first?" - -Angelo's head was resting against Luigi's; weariness had overcome him, -and for the past five minutes he had been peacefully sleeping. The old -ladies had dropped their voices to a lulling drone, to help him to steal -the rest his brother wouldn't take him up-stairs to get. Luigi listened -a moment to Angelo's regular breathing, then said in a voice barely -audible: - -"We were both born at the same time, but I am six months older than he -is." - -"For the land's sake!" - -"'Sh! don't wake him up; he wouldn't like my telling this. It has -always been kept secret till now." - -"But how in the world can it be? If you were both born at the same time, -how can one of you be older than the other?" - -"It is very simple, and I assure you it is true. I was born with a full -crop of hair, he was as bald as an egg for six months. I could walk six -months before he could make a step. I finished teething six months ahead -of him. I began to take solids six months before he left the breast. -I began to talk six months before he could say a word. Last, and -absolutely unassailable proof, the sutures in my skull closed six months -ahead of his. Always just that six months' difference to a day. Was -that accident? Nobody is going to claim that, I'm sure. It was ordained -it was law it had its meaning, and we know what that meaning was. Now -what does this overwhelming body of evidence establish? It establishes -just one thing, and that thing it establishes beyond any peradventure -whatever. Friends, we would not have it known for the world, and I must -beg you to keep it strictly to yourselves, but the truth is, we are no -more twins than you are." - -The two old ladies were stunned, paralyzed-petrified, one may almost say ---and could only sit and gaze vacantly at each other for some moments; -then Aunt Betsy Hale said impressively: - -"There's no getting around proof like that. I do believe it's the most -amazing thing I ever heard of." She sat silent a moment or two and -breathing hard with excitement, then she looked up and surveyed the -strangers steadfastly a little while, and added: "Well, it does beat me, -but I would have took you for twins anywhere." - -"So would I, so would I," said Aunt Patsy with the emphasis of a -certainty that is not impaired by any shade of doubt. - -"Anybody would-anybody in the world, I don't care who he is," said Aunt -Betsy with decision. - -"You won't tell," said Luigi, appealingly. - -"Oh, dear, no!" answered both ladies promptly, "you can trust us, don't -you be afraid." - -"That is good of you, and kind. Never let on; treat us always as if we -were twins." - -"You can depend on us," said Aunt Betsy, "but it won't be easy, because -now that I know you ain't you don't seem so." - -Luigi muttered to himself with satisfaction: "That swindle has gone -through without change of cars." - -It was not very kind of him to load the poor things up with a secret like -that, which would be always flying to their tongues' ends every time they -heard any one speak of the strangers as twins, and would become harder -and harder to hang on to with every recurrence of the temptation to tell -it, while the torture of retaining it would increase with every new -strain that was applied; but he never thought of that, and probably would -not have worried much about it if he had. - -A visitor was announced--some one to see the twins. They withdrew to the -parlor, and the two old ladies began to discuss with interest the strange -things which they had been listening to. When they had finished the -matter to their satisfaction, and Aunt Betsy rose to go, she stopped to -ask a question: - -"How does things come on between Roweny and Tom Driscoll?" - -"Well, about the same. He writes tolerable often, and she answers -tolerable seldom." - -"Where is he?" - -"In St. Louis, I believe, though he's such a gadabout that a body can't -be very certain of him, I reckon." - -"Don't Roweny know?" - -"Oh, yes, like enough. I haven't asked her lately." - -"Do you know how him and the judge are getting along now?" - -"First rate, I believe. Mrs. Pratt says so; and being right in the -house, and sister to the one and aunt to t'other, of course she ought to -know. She says the judge is real fond of him when he's away; but frets -when he's around and is vexed with his ways, and not sorry to have him go -again. He has been gone three weeks this time--a pleasant thing for both -of them, I reckon." - -"Tom's rather harum-scarum, but there ain't anything bad in him, I -guess." - -"Oh, no, he's just young, that's all. Still, twenty-three is old, in one -way. A young man ought to be earning his living by that time. If Tom -were doing that, or was even trying to do it, the judge would be a heap -better satisfied with him. Tom's always going to begin, but somehow he -can't seem to find just the opening he likes." - -"Well, now, it's partly the judge's own fault. Promising the boy his -property wasn't the way to set him to earning a fortune of his own. But -what do you think is Roweny beginning to lean any toward him, or ain't -she?" - -Aunt Patsy had a secret in her bosom; she wanted to keep it there, but -nature was too strong for her. She drew Aunt Betsy aside, and said in -her most confidential and mysterious manner: - -"Don't you breathe a syllable to a soul--I'm going to tell you something. -In my opinion Tom Driscoll's chances were considerable better yesterday -than they are to-day." - -"Patsy Cooper, what do you mean?" - -"It's so, as sure as you're born. I wish you could 'a' been at breakfast -and seen for yourself." - -"You don't mean it!" - -"Well, if I'm any judge, there's a leaning--there's a leaning, sure." - -"My land! Which one of 'em is it?" - -"I can't say for certain, but I think it's the youngest one--Anjy." - -Then there were hand-shakings, and congratulations, and hopes, and so on, -and the old ladies parted, perfectly happy--the one in knowing something -which the rest of the town didn't, and the other in having been the sole -person able to furnish that knowledge. - -The visitor who had called to see the twins was the Rev. Mr. Hotchkiss, -pastor of the Baptist church. At the reception Angelo had told him he -had lately experienced a change in his religious views, and was now -desirous of becoming a Baptist, and would immediately join Mr. -Hotchkiss's church. There was no time to say more, and the brief talk -ended at that point. The minister was much gratified, and had dropped in -for a moment now, to invite the twins to attend his Bible class at eight -that evening. Angelo accepted, and was expecting Luigi to decline, but -he did not, because he knew that the Bible class and the Freethinkers met -in the same room, and he wanted to treat his brother to the embarrassment -of being caught in free-thinking company. - - - - -CHAPTER V - -GUILT AND INNOCENCE FINELY BLENT - -[A long and vigorous quarrel follows, between the twins. And there is -plenty to quarrel about, for Angelo was always seeking truth, and this -obliged him to change and improve his religion with frequency, which -wearied Luigi, and annoyed him too; for he had to be present at each new -enlistment--which placed him in the false position of seeming to indorse -and approve his brother's fickleness; moreover, he had to go to Angelo's -prohibition meetings, and he hated them. On the other hand, when it was -his week to command the legs he gave Angelo just cause of complaint, for -he took him to circuses and horse-races and fandangoes, exposing him to -all sorts of censure and criticism; and he drank, too; and whatever he -drank went to Angelo's head instead of his own and made him act -disgracefully. When the evening was come, the two attended the Free- -thinkers' meeting, where Angelo was sad and silent; then came the Bible -class and looked upon him coldly, finding him in such company. Then they -went to Wilson's house and Chapter XI of Pudd'nhead Wilson follows, which -tells of the girl seen in Tom Driscoll's room; and closes with the -kicking of Tom by Luigi at the anti-temperance mass-meeting of the Sons -of Liberty; with the addition of some account of Roxy's adventures as a -chamber-maid on a Mississippi boat. Her exchange of the children had -been flippantly and farcically described in an earlier chapter. - -Next morning all the town was a-buzz with great news; Pudd'nhead Wilson -had a law case! The, public astonishment was so great and the public -curiosity so intense, that when the justice of the peace opened his -court, the place was packed with people and even the windows were full. -Everybody was, flushed and perspiring; the summer heat was almost -unendurable. - -Tom Driscoll had brought a charge of assault and battery against the -twins. Robert Allen was retained by Driscoll, David Wilson by the -defense. Tom, his native cheerfulness unannihilated by his back-breaking -and bone-bruising passage across the massed heads of the Sons of Liberty -the previous night, laughed his little customary laugh, and said to -Wilson: - -"I've kept my promise, you see; I'm throwing my business your way. -Sooner than I was expecting, too." - -"It's very good of you--particularly if you mean to keep it up." - -"Well, I can't tell about that yet. But we'll see. If I find you -deserve it I'll take you under my protection and make your fame and -fortune for you." - -"I'll try to deserve it, Tom." - -A jury was sworn in; then Mr. Allen said: - -"We will detain your honor but a moment with this case. It is not one -where any doubt of the fact of the assault can enter in. These -gentlemen--the accused--kicked my client at the Market Hall last night; -they kicked him with violence; with extraordinary violence; with even -unprecedented violence, I may say; insomuch that he was lifted entirely -off his feet and discharged into the midst of the audience. We can prove -this by four hundred witnesses--we shall call but three. Mr. Harkness -will take the stand." - -Mr. Harkness, being sworn, testified that he was chairman upon the -occasion mentioned; that he was close at hand and saw the defendants in -this action kick the plaintiff into the air and saw him descend among the -audience. - -"Take the witness," said Allen. - -"Mr. Harkness," said Wilson, "you say you saw these gentlemen, my -clients, kick the plaintiff. Are you sure--and please remember that you -are on oath--are you perfectly sure that you saw both of them kick him, -or only one? Now be careful." - -A bewildered look began to spread itself over the witness's face. He -hesitated, stammered, but got out nothing. His eyes wandered to the -twins and fixed themselves there with a vacant gaze. - -"Please answer, Mr. Harkness, you are keeping the court waiting. It is -a very simple question." - -Counsel for the prosecution broke in with impatience: - -"Your honor, the question is an irrelevant triviality. Necessarily, they -both kicked him, for they have but the one pair of legs, and both are -responsible for them." - -Wilson said, sarcastically: - -"Will your honor permit this new witness to be sworn? He seems to -possess knowledge which can be of the utmost value just at this moment-- -knowledge which would at once dispose of what every one must see is a -very difficult question in this case. Brother Allen, will you take the -stand?" - -"Go on with your case!" said Allen, petulantly. The audience laughed, -and got a warning from the court. - -"Now, Mr. Harkness," said Wilson, insinuatingly, "we shall have to insist -upon an answer to that question." - -"I--er--well, of course, I do not absolutely know, but in my opinion--" - -"Never mind your opinion, sir--answer the question." - -"I--why, I can't answer it." - -"That will do, Mr. Harkness. Stand down." - -The audience tittered, and the discomfited witness retired in a state of -great embarrassment. - -Mr. Wakeman took the stand and swore that he saw the twins kick the -plaintiff off the platform. - -The defense took the witness. - -"Mr. Wakeman, you have sworn that you saw these gentlemen kick the -plaintiff. Do I understand you to swear that you saw them both do it?" - -"Yes, sir,"--with derision. - -"How do you know that both did it?" - -"Because I saw them do it." - -The audience laughed, and got another warning from the court. - -"But by what means do you know that both, and not one, did it?" - -"Well, in the first place, the insult was given to both of them equally, -for they were called a pair of scissors. Of course they would both want -to resent it, and so--" - -"Wait! You are theorizing now. Stick to facts --counsel will attend to -the arguments. Go on." - -"Well, they both went over there--that I saw." - -"Very good. Go on." - -"And they both kicked him--I swear to it." - -"Mr. Wakeman, was Count Luigi, here, willing to join the Sons of Liberty -last night?" - -"Yes, sir, he was. He did join, too, and drank a glass or two of whisky, -like a man." - -"Was his brother willing to join?" - -"No, sir, he wasn't. He is a teetotaler, and was elected through a -mistake." - -"Was he given a glass of whisky?" - -"Yes, sir, but of course that was another mistake, and not intentional. -He wouldn't drink it. He set it down." A slight pause, then he added, -casually and quite simply: "The plaintiff reached for it and hogged it." - -There was a fine outburst of laughter, but as the justice was caught out -himself, his reprimand was not very vigorous. - -Mr. Allen jumped up and exclaimed: "I protest against these foolish -irrelevancies. What have they to do with the case?" - -Wilson said: "Calm yourself, brother, it was only an experiment. Now, -Mr. Wakeman, if one of these gentlemen chooses to join an association and -the other doesn't; and if one of them enjoys whisky and the other -doesn't, but sets it aside and leaves it unprotected" (titter from the -audience), "it seems to show that they have independent minds, and -tastes, and preferences, and that one of them is able to approve of a -thing at the very moment that the other is heartily disapproving of it. -Doesn't it seem so to you?" - -"Certainly it does. It's perfectly plain." - -"Now, then, it might be--I only say it might be--that one of these -brothers wanted to kick the plaintiff last night, and that the other -didn't want that humiliating punishment inflicted upon him in that public -way and before all those people. Isn't that possible?" - -"Of course it is. It's more than possible. I don't believe the blond -one would kick anybody. It was the other one that--" - -"Silence!" shouted the plaintiff's counsel, and went on with an angry -sentence which was lost in the wave of laughter that swept the house. - -"That will do, Mr. Wakeman," said Wilson, "you may stand down." - -The third witness was called. He had seen the twins kick the plaintiff. -Mr. Wilson took the witness. - -"Mr. Rogers, you say you saw these accused gentlemen kick the plaintiff?" - -"Yes, sir." - -"Both of them?" - -"Yes, sir." - -"Which of them kicked him first?" - -"Why--they--they both kicked him at the same time. - -"Are you perfectly sure of that?" - -"Yes, sir." - -"What makes you sure of it?" - -"Why, I stood right behind them, and saw them do it." - -"How many kicks were delivered?" - -"Only one." - -"If two men kick, the result should be two kicks, shouldn't it?" - -"Why--why yes, as a rule." - -"Then what do you think went with the other kick?" - -"I--well--the fact is, I wasn't thinking of two being necessary, this -time." - -"What do you think now?" - -"Well, I--I'm sure I don't quite know what to think, but I reckon that -one of them did half of the kick and the other one did the other half." - -Somebody in the crowd sung out: "It's the first sane thing that any of -them has said." - -The audience applauded. The judge said: "Silence! or I will clear the -court." - -Mr. Allen looked pleased, but Wilson did not seem disturbed. He said: - -"Mr. Rogers, you have favored us with what you think and what you reckon, -but as thinking and reckoning are not evidence, I will now give you a -chance to come out with something positive, one way or the other, and -shall require you to produce it. I will ask the accused to stand up and -repeat the phenomenal kick of last night." The twins stood up. "Now, -Mr. Rogers, please stand behind them." - -A Voice: "No, stand in front!" (Laughter. Silenced by the court.) -Another Voice: "No, give Tommy another highst!" (Laughter. Sharply -rebuked by the court.) - -"Now, then, Mr. Rogers, two kicks shall be delivered, one after the -other, and I give you my word that at least one of the two shall be -delivered by one of the twins alone, without the slightest assistance -from his brother. Watch sharply, for you have of to render a decision -without any if's and ands it." Rogers bent himself behind the twins with -palms just above his knees, in the modern attitude of the catcher at a -baseball match, and riveted eyes on the pair of legs in front of him. - -"Are you ready, Mr. Rogers?" - -"Ready sir." - -The kick, launched. - -"Have you got that one classified, Mr. Rogers?" - -"Let me study a minute, sir." - -"Take as much time as you please. Let me know when you are ready." - -For as much as a minute Rogers pondered, with all eyes and a breathless -interest fastened upon him. Then he gave the word: "Ready, sir." - -"Kick!" - -The kick that followed was an exact duplicate of the first one. - -"Now, then, Mr. Rogers, one of those kicks was an individual kick, not a -mutual one. You will now state positively which was the mutual one." - -The witness said, with a crestfallen look: - -"I've got to give it up. There ain't any man in the world that could -tell t'other from which, sir." - -"Do you still assert that last night's kick was a mutual kick?" - -"Indeed, I don't, sir." - -"That will do, Mr. Rogers. If my brother Allen desires to address the -court, your honor, very well; but as far as I am concerned I am ready to -let the case be at once delivered into the hands of this intelligent jury -without comment." - -Mr. Justice Robinson had been in office only two months, and in that -short time had not had many cases to try, of course. He had no knowledge -of laws and courts except what he had picked up since he came into -office. He was a sore trouble to the lawyers, for his rulings were -pretty eccentric sometimes, and he stood by them with Roman simplicity -and fortitude; but the people were well satisfied with him, for they saw -that his intentions were always right, that he was entirely impartial, -and that he usually made up in good sense what he lacked in technique, -so to speak. He now perceived that there was likely to be a miscarriage -of justice here, and he rose to the occasion. - -"Wait a moment, gentlemen," he said, "it is plain that an assault has -been committed it is plain to anybody; but the way things are going, the -guilty will certainly escape conviction. I can not allow this. Now---" - -"But, your honor!" said Wilson, interrupting him, earnestly but -respectfully, "you are deciding the case yourself, whereas the jury--" - -"Never mind the jury, Mr. Wilson; the jury will have a chance when there -is a reasonable doubt for them to take hold of--which there isn't, -so far. There is no doubt whatever that an assault has been committed. -The attempt to show that both of the accused committed it has failed. -Are they both to escape justice on that account? Not in this court, -if I can prevent it. It appears to have been a mistake to bring the -charge against them as a corporation; each should have been charged in -his capacity as an individual, and--" - -"But, your honor!" said Wilson, "in fairness to my clients I must insist -that inasmuch as the prosecution 'd not separate the--" - -"No wrong will be done your clients, sir--they will be protected; -also the public and the offended laws. Mr. Allen, you will amend your -pleadings, and put one of the accused on trial at a time." - -Wilson broke in: "But, your honor! this is wholly unprecedented! -To imperil an accused person by arbitrarily altering and widening the -charge against him in order to compass his conviction when the charge as -originally brought promises to fail to convict, is a thing unheard of -before." - -"Unheard of where?" - -"In the courts of this or any other state." - -The judge said with dignity: "I am not acquainted with the customs of -other courts, and am not concerned to know what they are. I am -responsible for this court, and I cannot conscientiously allow my -judgment to be warped and my judicial liberty hampered by trying to -conform to the caprices of other courts, be they--" - -"But, your honor, the oldest and highest courts in Europe--" - -"This court is not run on the European plan, Mr. Wilson; it is not run on -any plan but its own. It has a plan of its own; and that plan is, -to find justice for both State and accused, no matter what happens to be -practice and custom in Europe or anywhere else." (Great applause.) -"Silence! It has not been the custom of this court to imitate other -courts; it has not been the custom of this court to take shelter behind -the decisions of other courts, and we will not begin now. We will do the -best we can by the light that God has given us, and while this 'court -continues to have His approval, it will remain indifferent to what other -organizations may think of it." (Applause.) "Gentlemen, I must have -order!--quiet yourselves! Mr. Allen, you will now proceed against the -prisoners one at a time. Go on with the case." - -Allen was not at his ease. However, after whispering a moment with his -client and with one or two other people, he rose and said: - -"Your honor, I find it to be reported and believed that the accused are -able to act independently in many ways, but that this independence does -not extend to their legs, authority over their legs being vested -exclusively in the one brother during a specific term of days, and then -passing to the other brother for a like term, and so on, by regular -alternation. I could call witnesses who would prove that the accused had -revealed to them the existence of this extraordinary fact, and had also -made known which of them was in possession of the legs yesterday--and -this would, of course, indicate where the guilt of the assault belongs-- -but as this would be mere hearsay evidence, these revelations not having -been made under oath" - -"Never mind about that, Mr. Allen. It may not all be hearsay. We shall -see. It may at least help to put us on the right track. Call the -witnesses." - -"Then I will call Mr. John Buckstone, who is now present, and I beg that -Mrs. Patsy Cooper may be sent for. Take the stand, Mr. Buckstone." - -Buckstone took the oath, and then testified that on the previous evening -the Count Angelo Capello had protested against going to the hall, and had -called all present to witness that he was going by compulsion and would -not go if he could help himself. Also, that the Count Luigi had replied -sharply that he would go, just the same, and that he, Count Luigi, would -see to that himself. Also, that upon Count Angelo's complaining about -being kept on his legs so long, Count Luigi retorted with apparent -surprise, "Your legs!--I like your impudence!" - -"Now we are getting at the kernel of the thing," observed the judge, with -grave and earnest satisfaction. "It looks as if the Count Luigi was in -possession of the battery at the time of the assault." - -Nothing further was elicited from Mr. Buckstone on direct examination. -Mr. Wilson took the witness. - -"Mr. Buckstone, about what time was it that that conversation took -place?" - -"Toward nine yesterday evening, sir." - -"Did you then proceed directly to the hall?" - -"Yes, sir." - -"How long did it take you to go there?" - -"Well, we walked; and as it was from the extreme edge of the town, and -there was no hurry, I judge it took us about twenty minutes, maybe a -trifle more." - -"About what hour was the kick delivered?" - -"About thirteen minutes and a half to ten." - -"Admirable! You are a pattern witness, Mr. Buckstone. How did you -happen to look at your watch at that particular moment?" - -"I always do it when I see an assault. It's likely I shall be called as -a witness, and it's a good point to have." - -"It would be well if others were as thoughtful. Was anything said, -between the conversation at my house and the assault, upon the detail -which we are now examining into?" - -"No, sir." - -"If power over the mutual legs was in the possession of one brother at -nine, and passed into the possession of the other one during the next -thirty or forty minutes, do you think you could have detected the -change?" - -"By no means!" - -"That is all, Mr. Buckstone." - -Mrs. Patsy Cooper was called. The crowd made way for her, and she came -smiling and bowing through the narrow human lane, with Betsy Hale, as -escort and support, smiling and bowing in her wake, the audience breaking -into welcoming cheers as the old favorites filed along. The judge did -not check this kindly demonstration of homage and affection, but let it -run its course unrebuked. - -The old ladies stopped and shook hands with the twins with effusion, then -gave the judge a friendly nod, and bustled into the seats provided for -them. They immediately began to deliver a volley of eager questions at -the friends around them: "What is this thing for?" "What is that thing -for?" "Who is that young man that's writing at the desk? Why, I -declare, it's Jack Bunce! I thought he was sick." "Which is the jury? -Why, is that the jury? Billy Price and Job Turner, and Jack Lounsbury, -and--well, I never!" "Now who would ever 'a' thought--" - -But they were gently called to order at this point, and asked not to talk -in court. Their tongues fell silent, but the radiant interest in their -faces remained, and their gratitude for the blessing of a new sensation -and a novel experience still beamed undimmed from their eyes. Aunt Patsy -stood up and took the oath, and Mr. Allen explained the point in issue, -and asked her to go on now, in her own way, and throw as much light upon -it as she could. She toyed with her reticule a moment or two, as if -considering where to begin, then she said: - -"Well, the way of it is this. They are Luigi's legs a week at a time, -and then they are Angelo's, and he can do whatever he wants to with -them." - -"You are making a mistake, Aunt Patsy Cooper," said the judge. "You -shouldn't state that as a fact, because you don't know it to be a fact." - -"What's the reason I don't?" said Aunt Patsy, bridling a little. - -"What is the reason that you do know it?" - -"The best in the world because they told me." - -"That isn't a reason." - -"Well, for the land's sake! Betsy Hale, do you hear that?" - -"Hear it? I should think so," said Aunt Betsy, rising and facing the -court. "Why, Judge, I was there and heard it myself. Luigi says to -Angelo--no, it was Angelo said it to--" - -"Come, come, Mrs. Hale, pray sit down, and--" - -"Certainly, it's all right, I'm going to sit down presently, but not -until I've--" - -"But you must sit down!" - -"Must! Well, upon my word if things ain't getting to a pretty pass -when--" - -The house broke into laughter, but was promptly brought to order, and -meantime Mr. Allen persuaded the old lady to take her seat. Aunt Patsy -continued: - -"Yes, they told me that, and I know it's true. They're Luigi's legs this -week, but--" - -"Ah, they told you that, did they?" said the Justice, with interest. - -"Well, no, I don't know that they told me, but that's neither here nor -there. I know, without that, that at dinner yesterday, Angelo was as -tired as a dog, and yet Luigi wouldn't lend him the legs to go up-stairs -and take a nap with." - -"Did he ask for them?" - -"Let me see--it seems to me, somehow, that--that--Aunt Betsy, do you -remember whether he--" - -"Never mind about what Aunt Betsy remembers --she is not a witness; we -only want to know what you remember yourself," said the judge. - -"Well, it does seem to, me that you are most cantankerously particular -about a little thing, Sim Robinson. Why, when I can't remember a thing -myself, I always--" - - -"Ah, please go on!" - -"Now how can she when you keep fussing at her all the time?" said Aunt -Betsy. "Why, with a person pecking at me that way, I should get that -fuzzled and fuddled that--" - -She was on her feet again, but Allen coaxed her into her seat once more, -while the court squelched the mirth of the house. Then the judge said: - -"Madam, do you know--do you absolutely know, independently of anything -these gentlemen have told you--that the power over their legs passes from -the one to the other regularly every week?" - -"Regularly? Bless your heart, regularly ain't any name for the exactness -of it! All the big cities in Europe used to set the clocks by it." -(Laughter, suppressed by the court.) - -"How do you know? That is the question. Please answer it plainly and -squarely." - -"Don't you talk to me like that, Sim Robinson--I won't have it. How do -I know, indeed! How do you know what you know? Because somebody told -you. You didn't invent it out of your own head, did you? Why, these -twins are the truthfulest people in the world; and I don't think it -becomes you to sit up there and throw slurs at them when they haven't -been doing anything to you. And they are orphans besides--both of them. -All--" - -But Aunt Betsy was up again now, and both old ladies were talking at once -and with all their might; but as the house was weltering in a storm of -laughter, and the judge was hammering his desk with an iron paper-weight, -one could only see them talk, not hear them. At last, when quiet was -restored, the court said: - -"Let the ladies retire." - -"But, your honor, I have the right, in the interest of my clients,--to -cross-exam--" - -"You'll not need to exercise it, Mr. Wilson--the evidence is thrown out." - -"Thrown out!" said Aunt Patsy, ruffled; "and what's it thrown out for, -I'd like to know." - -"And so would I, Patsy Cooper. It seems to me that if we can save these -poor persecuted strangers, it is our bounden duty to stand up here and -talk for them till--" - -"There, there, there, do sit down!" - -It cost some trouble and a good deal of coaxing, but they were got into -their seats at last. The trial was soon ended now. The twins themselves -became witnesses in their own defense. They established the fact, upon -oath, that the leg-power passed from one to the other every Saturday -night at twelve o'clock sharp. But or cross-examination their counsel -would not allow them to tell whose week of power the current week was. -The judge insisted upon their answering, and proposed to compel them, but -even the prosecution took fright and came to the rescue then, and helped -stay the sturdy jurist's revolutionary hand. So the case had to go to -the jury with that important point hanging in the air. They were out an -hour and brought in this verdict: - -"We the jury do find: 1, that an assault was committed, as charged; -2, that it was committed by one of the persons accused, he having been -seen to do it by several credible witnesses; 3, but that his identity is -so merged in his brother's that we have not been able to tell which was -him. We cannot convict both, for only one is guilty. We cannot acquit -both, for only one is innocent. Our verdict is that justice has been -defeated by the dispensation of God, and ask to be discharged from -further duty." - -This was read aloud in court and brought out a burst of hearty applause. -The old ladies made a spring at the twins, to shake and congratulate, but -were gently disengaged by Mr. Wilson and softly crowded back into their -places. - -The judge rose in his little tribune, laid aside his silver-bowed -spectacles, roached his gray hair up with his fingers, and said, with -dignity and solemnity, and even with a certain pathos: - -"In all my experience on the bench, I have not seen justice bow her head -in shame in this court until this day. You little realize what far- -reaching harm has just been wrought here under the fickle forms of law. -Imitation is the bane of courts--I thank God that this one is free from -the contamination of that vice--and in no long time you will see the -fatal work of this hour seized upon by profligate so-called guardians of -justice in all the wide circumstance of this planet and perpetuated in -their pernicious decisions. I wash my hands of this iniquity. I would -have compelled these culprits to expose their guilt, but support failed -me where I had most right to expect aid and encouragement. And I was -confronted by a law made in the interest of crime, which protects the -criminal from testifying against himself. Yet I had precedents of my own -whereby I had set aside that law on two different occasions and thus -succeeded in convicting criminals to whose crimes there were no witnesses -but themselves. What have you accomplished this day? Do you realize it? -You have set adrift, unadmonished, in this community, two men endowed -with an awful and mysterious gift, a hidden and grisly power for evil-- -a power by which each in his turn may commit crime after crime of the -most heinous character, and no man be able to tell which is the guilty or -which the innocent party in any case of them all. Look to your homes -look to your property look to your lives for you have need! - -"Prisoners at the bar, stand up. Through suppression of evidence, a jury -of your--our--countrymen have been obliged to deliver a verdict -concerning your case which stinks to heaven with the rankness of its -injustice. By its terms you, the guilty one, go free with the innocent. -Depart in peace, and come no more! The costs devolve upon the outraged -plaintiff--another iniquity. The court stands dissolved." - -Almost everybody crowded forward to overwhelm the twins and their counsel -with congratulations; but presently the two old aunties dug the -duplicates out and bore them away in triumph through the hurrahing crowd, -while lots of new friends carried Pudd'nhead Wilson off tavernward to -feast him and "wet down" his great and victorious entry into the legal -arena. To Wilson, so long familiar with neglect and depreciation, this -strange new incense of popularity and admiration was as a fragrance blown -from the fields of paradise. A happy man was Wilson. - - - - -CHAPTER VI - -THE AMAZING DUEL - - A deputation came in the evening and conferred upon Wilson the - welcome honor of a nomination for mayor; for the village has just - been converted into a city by charter. Tom skulks out of - challenging the twins. Judge Driscoll thereupon challenges Angelo - (accused by Tom of doing the kicking); he declines, but Luigi - accepts in his place against Angelo's timid protest. - -It was late Saturday night nearing eleven. - -The judge and his second found the rest of the war party at the further -end of the vacant ground, near the haunted house. Pudd'nhead Wilson -advanced to meet them, and said anxiously: - -"I must say a word in behalf of my principal's proxy, Count Luigi, to -whom you have kindly granted the privilege of fighting my principal's -battle for him. It is growing late, and Count Luigi is in great trouble -lest midnight shall strike before the finish." - -"It is another testimony," said Howard, approvingly. "That young man is -fine all through. He wishes to save his brother the sorrow of fighting -on the Sabbath, and he is right; it is the right and manly feeling and -does him credit. We will make all possible haste." - -Wilson said: "There is also another reason--a consideration, in fact, -which deeply concerns Count Luigi himself. These twins have command of -their mutual legs turn about. Count Luigi is in command now; but at -midnight, possession will pass to my principal, Count Angelo, and--well, -you can foresee what will happen. He will march straight off the field, -and carry Luigi with him." - -"Why! sure enough!" cried the judge, "we have heard something about that -extraordinary law of their being, already--nothing very definite, it is -true, as regards dates and durations of power, but I see it is definite -enough as regards to-night. Of course we must give Luigi every chance. -Omit all the ceremonial possible, gentlemen, and place us in position." - -The seconds at once tossed up a coin; Howard won the choice. He placed -the judge sixty feet from the haunted house and facing it; Wilson placed -the twins within fifteen feet of the house and facing the judge-- -necessarily. The pistol-case was opened and the long slim tubes taken -out; when the moonlight glinted from them a shiver went through Angelo. -The doctor was a fool, but a thoroughly well-meaning one, with a kind -heart and a sincere disposition to oblige, but along with it an absence -of tact which often hurt its effectiveness. He brought his box of lint -and bandages, and asked Angelo to feel and see how soft and comfortable -they were. Angelo's head fell over against Luigi's in a faint, and -precious time was lost in bringing him to; which provoked Luigi into -expressing his mind to the doctor with a good deal of vigor and -frankness. After Angelo came to he was still so weak that Luigi was -obliged to drink a stiff horn of brandy to brace him up. - -The seconds now stepped at once to their posts, halfway between the -combatants, one of them on each side of the line of fire. Wilson was to -count, very deliberately, " One-two-three-fire!--stop !" and the duelists -could bang away at any time they chose during that recitation, but not -after the last word. Angelo grew very nervous when he saw Wilson's hand -rising slowly into the air as a sign to make ready, and he leaned his -head against Luigi's and said: - -"Oh, please take me away from here, I can't stay, I know I can't!" - -"What in the world are you doing? Straighten up! What's the matter with -you?--you're in no danger--nobody's going to shoot at you. Straighten -up, I tell you!" - -Angelo obeyed, just in time to hear: - -"One--!" - -"Bang!" Just one report, and a little tuft of white hair floated slowly -to the judge's feet in the moonlight. The judge did not swerve; he still -stood erect and motionless, like a statue, with his pistol-arm hanging -straight down at his side. He was reserving his fire. - -"Two--!" - -"Three--"! - -"Fire--!" - -Up came the pistol-arm instantly-Angelo dodged with the report. He said -"Ouch!" and fainted again. - -The doctor examined and bandaged the wound. - -It was of no consequence, he said--bullet through fleshy part of arm--no -bones broken the gentleman was still able to fight let the duel proceed. - -Next time Angelo jumped just as Luigi fired, which disordered his aim and -caused him to cut a chip off of Howard's ear. The judge took his time -again, and when he fired Angelo jumped and got a knuckle skinned. The -doctor inspected and dressed the wounds. Angelo now spoke out and said -he was content with the satisfaction he had got, and if the judge--but -Luigi shut him roughly up, and asked him not to make an ass of himself; -adding: - -"And I want you to stop dodging. You take a great deal too prominent a -part in this thing for a person who has got nothing to do with it. You -should remember that you are here only by courtesy, and are without -official recognition; officially you are not here at all; officially you -do not even exist. To all intents and purposes you are absent from this -place, and you ought for your own modesty's sake to reflect that it -cannot become a person who is not present here to be taking this sort of -public and indecent prominence in a matter in which he is not in the -slightest degree concerned. Now, don't dodge again; the bullets are not -for you, they are for me; if I want them dodged I will attend to it -myself. I never saw a person act so." - -Angelo saw the reasonableness of what his brother had said, and he did -try to reform, but it was of no use; both pistols went off at the same -instant, and he jumped once more; he got a sharp scrape along his cheek -from the judge's bullet, and so deflected Luigi's aim that his ball went -wide and chipped flake of skin from Pudd'nhead Wilson's chin. The doctor -attended to the wounded. - -By the terms, the duel was over. But Luigi was entirely out of patience, -and begged for one exchange of shots, insisting that he had had no fair -chance, on account of his brother's indelicate behavior. Howard was -opposed to granting so unusual a privilege, but the judge took Luigi's -part, and added that indeed he himself might fairly be considered -entitled to another trial, because although the proxy on the other side -was in no way to blame for his (the judge's) humiliatingly resultless -work, the gentleman with whom he was fighting this duel was to blame for -it, since if he had played no advantages and had held his head still, his -proxy would have been disposed of early. He added: - -"Count Luigi's request for another exchange is another proof that he is a -brave and chivalrous gentleman, and I beg that the courtesy he asks may -be accorded him." - -"I thank you most sincerely for this generosity, Judge Driscoll," said -Luigi, with a polite bow, and moving to his place. Then he added to -Angelo, "Now hold your grip, hold your grip, I tell you, and I'll land -him sure!" - -The men stood erect, their pistol-arms at their sides, the two seconds -stood at their official posts, the doctor stood five paces in Wilson's -rear with his instruments and bandages in his hands. The deep stillness, -the peaceful moonlight, the motionless figures, made an impressive -picture and the impending fatal possibilities augmented this -impressiveness solemnity. Wilson's hand began to rise--slowly--still -higher--still higher--in another moment: - -"Boom!" the first stroke of midnight swung up out of the distance; -Angelo was off like a deer! - -"Oh, you unspeakable traitor!" wailed his brother, as they went soaring -over the fence. - -The others stood astonished and gazing; and so stood, watching that -strange spectacle until distance dissolved it and swept it from their -view. Then they rubbed their eyes like people waking out of a dream, - -"Well, I've never seen anything like that before!" said the judge. -"Wilson, I am going to confess now, that I wasn't quite able to believe -in that leg business, and had a suspicion that it was a put-up -convenience between those twins; and when Count Angelo fainted I thought -I saw the whole scheme--thought it was pretext No. 2, and would be -followed by others till twelve o'clock should arrive, and Luigi would get -off with all the credit of seeming to want to fight and yet not have to -fight, after all. But I was mistaken. His pluck proved it. He's a -brave fellow and did want to fight." - -"There isn't any doubt about that," said Howard, and added, in a grieved -tone, "but what an unworthy sort of Christian that Angelo is--I hope and -believe there are not many like him. It is not right to engage in a duel -on the Sabbath--I could not approve of that myself; but to finish one -that has been begun--that is a duty, let the day be what it may." - -They strolled along, still wondering, still talking. - -"It is a curious ,circumstance,"remarked the surgeon, halting Wilson a -moment to paste so more court-plaster on his chin, which had gone to -leaking blood again, "that in this duel neither of the parties who -handled the pistols lost blood while nearly all the persons present in -the mere capacity of guests got hit. I have not heard of such a thing -before. Don't you think it unusual?" - -"Yes," said the Judge, "it has struck me as peculiar. Peculiar and -unfortunate. I was annoyed at it, all the time. In the case of Angelo -it made no great difference, because he was in a measure concerned, -though not officially; but it troubled me to see the seconds compromised, -and yet I knew no way to mend the matter. - -"There was no way to mend it," said Howard, whose ear was being -readjusted now by the doctor; "the code fixes our place, and it would not -have been lawful to change it. If we could have stood at your side, or -behind you, or in front of you, it--but it would not have been legitimate -and the other parties would have had a just right to complain of our -trying to protect ourselves from danger; infractions of the code are -certainly not permissible in any case whatever." - -Wilson offered no remarks. It seemed to him that there was very little -place here for so much solemnity, but he judged that if a duel where -nobody was in danger or got crippled but the seconds and the outsiders -had nothing ridiculous about it for these gentlemen, his pointing out -that feature would probably not help them to see it. - -He invited them in to take a nightcap, and Howard and the judge accepted, -but the doctor said he would have to go and see how Angelo's principal -wound was getting on. - - [It was now Sunday, and in the afternoon Angelo was to be received - into the Baptist communion by immersion--a doubtful prospect, the - doctor feared.] - - - - -CHAPTER VII - -LUIGI DEFIES GALEN - -When the doctor arrived at Aunt Patsy Cooper's house, he found the lights -going and everybody up and dressed and in a great state of solicitude and -excitement. The twins were stretched on a sofa in the sitting-room, Aunt -Patsy was fussing at Angelo's arm, Nancy was flying around under her -commands, the two young boys were trying to keep out of the way and -always getting in it, in order to see and wonder, Rowena stood apart, -helpless with apprehension and emotion, and Luigi was growling in -unappeasable fury over Angelo's shameful flight. - -As has been reported before, the doctor was a fool--a kind-hearted and -well-meaning one, but with no tact; and as he was by long odds the most -learned physician in the town, and was quite well aware of it, and could -talk his learning with ease and precision, and liked to show off when he -had an audience, he was sometimes tempted into revealing more of a case -than was good for the patient. - -He examined Angelo's wound, and was really minded to say nothing for -once; but Aunt Patsy was so anxious and so pressing that he allowed his -caution to be overcome, and proceeded to empty himself as follows, with -scientific relish: - -"Without going too much into detail, madam--for you would probably not -understand it, anyway--I concede that great care is going to be necessary -here; otherwise exudation of the esophagus is nearly sure to ensue, and -this will be followed by ossification and extradition of the maxillaris -superioris, which must decompose the granular surfaces of the great -infusorial ganglionic system, thus obstructing the action of the -posterior varioloid arteries, and precipitating compound strangulated -sorosis of the valvular tissues, and ending unavoidably in the dispersion -and combustion of the marsupial fluxes and the consequent embrocation of -the bicuspid populo redax referendum rotulorum." - -A miserable silence followed. Aunt Patsy's heart sank, the pallor of -despair invaded her face, she was not able to speak; poor Rowena wrung -her hands in privacy and silence, and said to herself in the bitterness -of her young grief, "There is no hope--it is plain there is no hope"; the -good-hearted negro wench, Nancy, paled to chocolate, then to orange, then -to amber, and thought to herself with yearning sympathy and sorrow, "Po' -thing, he ain' gwyne to las' throo de half o' dat"; small Henry choked -up, and turned his head away to hide his rising tears, and his brother -Joe said to himself, with a sense of loss, "The baptizing's busted, -that's sure." Luigi was the only person who had any heart to speak. He -said, a little bit sharply, to the doctor: - -"Well, well, there's nothing to be gained by wasting precious time; give -him a barrel of pills--I'll take them for him." - -"You?" asked the doctor. - -"Yes. Did you suppose he was going to take them himself?" - -"Why, of course." - -"Well, it's a mistake. He never took a dose of medicine in his life. He -can't." - -"Well, upon my word, it's the most extraordinary thing I ever heard of!" - -"Oh," said Aunt Patsy, as pleased as a mother whose child is being -admired and wondered at; "you'll find that there's more about them that's -wonderful than their just being made in the image of God like the rest of -His creatures, now you can depend on that, I tell you," and she wagged -her complacent head like one who could reveal marvelous things if she -chose. - -The boy Joe began: - -"Why, ma, they ain't made in the im--" - -"You shut up, and wait till you're asked, Joe. I'll let you know when I -want help. Are you looking for something, doctor?" - -The doctor asked for a few sheets of paper and a pen, and said he would -write a prescription; which he did. It was one of Galen's; in fact, it -was Galen's favorite, and had been slaying people for sixteen thousand -years. Galen used it for everything, applied it to everything, said it -would remove everything, from warts all the way through to lungs and it -generally did. Galen was still the only medical authority recognized in -Missouri; his practice was the only practice known to the Missouri -doctors, and his prescriptions were the only ammunition they carried when -they went out for game. - -By and by Dr. Claypool laid down his pen and read the result of his -labors aloud, carefully and deliberately, for this battery must be -constructed on the premises by the family, and mistakes could occur; -for he wrote a doctor's hand the hand which from the beginning of time -has been so disastrous to the apothecary and so profitable to the -undertaker: - -"Take of afarabocca, henbane, corpobalsamum, each two drams and a half: -of cloves, opium, myrrh, cyperus, each two drams; of opobalsamum, Indian -leaf, cinnamon, zedoary, ginger, coftus, coral, cassia, euphorbium, gum -tragacanth, frankincense, styrax calamita, Celtic, nard, spignel, -hartwort, mustard, saxifrage, dill, anise, each one dram; of xylaloes, -rheum ponticum, alipta, moschata, castor, spikenard, galangals, opoponax, -anacardium, mastich, brimstone, peony, eringo, pulp of dates, red and -white hermodactyls, roses, thyme, acorns, pennyroyal, gentian, the bark -of the root of mandrake, germander, valerian, bishop's-weed, bayberries, -long and white pepper, xylobalsamum, carnabadium, macedonian, parsley -seeds, lovage, the seeds of rue, and sinon, of each a dram and a half; of -pure gold, pure silver, pearls not perforated, the blatta byzantina, the -bone of the stag's heart, of each the quantity of fourteen grains of -wheat; of sapphire, emerald and jasper stones, each one dram; of hazel- -nuts, two drams; of pellitory of Spain, shavings of ivory, calamus -odoratus, each the quantity of twenty-nine grains of wheat; of honey or -sugar a sufficient quantity. Boil down and skim off." - -"There," he said, "that will fix the patient; give his brother a -dipperful every three-quarters of an hour--" - -"--while he survives," muttered Luigi-- - -"--and see that the room is kept wholesomely hot, and the doors and -windows closed tight. Keep Count Angelo nicely covered up with six or -seven blankets, and when he is thirsty--which will be frequently--moisten -a 'rag in the vapor of the tea kettle and let his brother suck it. When -he is hungry--which will also be frequently he must not be humored -oftener than every seven or eight hours; then toast part of a cracker -until it begins to brown, and give it to his brother." - -"That is all very well, as far as Angelo is concerned," said Luigi, "but -what am I to eat?" - -"I do not see that there is anything the matter with you," the doctor -answered, "you may, of course, eat what you please." - -"And also drink what I please, I suppose?" - -"Oh, certainly--at present. When the violent and continuous perspiring -has reduced your strength, I shall have to reduce your diet, of course, -and also bleed you, but there is no occasion for that yet awhile." He -turned to Aunt Patsy and said: "He must be put to bed, and sat up with, -and tended with the greatest care, and not allowed to stir for several -days and nights." - -"For one, I'm sacredly thankful for that," said Luigi, "it postpones the -funeral--I'm not to be drowned to-day, anyhow." - -Angelo said quietly to the doctor: - -"I will cheerfully submit to all your requirements, sir, up to two -o'clock this afternoon, and will resume them after three, but cannot be -confined to the house during that intermediate hour." - -"Why, may I ask?" - -"Because I have entered the Baptist communion, and by appointment am to -be baptised in the river at that hour." - -"Oh, insanity!--it cannot be allowed!" - -Angelo answered with placid firmness: - -"Nothing shall prevent it, if I am alive." - -"Why, consider, my dear sir, in your condition it might prove fatal." - -A tender and ecstatic smile beamed from Angelo's eyes, and he broke forth -in a tone of joyous fervency: - -"Ah, how blessed it would be to die for such a cause--it would be -martyrdom!" - -"But your brother--consider your brother; you would be risking his life, -too." - -"He risked mine an hour ago," responded Angelo, gloomily; "did he -consider me?" A thought swept through his mind that made him shudder. -"If I had not run, I might have been killed in a duel on the Sabbath day, -and my soul would have been lost--lost." - -"Oh, don't fret, it wasn't in any danger," said Luigi, irritably; "they -wouldn't waste it for a little thing like that; there's a glass case all -ready for it in the heavenly museum, and a pin to stick it up with." - -Aunt Patsy was shocked, and said: - -"Looy, Looy!--don't talk so, dear!" - -Rowena's soft heart was pierced by Luigi's unfeeling words, and she -murmured to herself, "Oh, if I but had the dear privilege of protecting -and defending him with my weak voice!--but alas! this sweet boon is -denied me by the cruel conventions of social intercourse." - -"Get their bed ready," said Aunt Patsy to Nancy, "and shut up the windows -and doors, and light their candles, and see that you drive all the -mosquitoes out of their bar, and make up a good fire in their stove, and -carry up some bags of hot ashes to lay to his feet--" - -"--and a shovel of fire for his head, and a mustard plaster for his neck, -and some gum shoes for his ears," Luigi interrupted, with temper; and -added, to himself, "Damnation, I'm going to be roasted alive, I just know -it!" - -"Why, Looy! Do be quiet; I never saw such a fractious thing. A body -would think you didn't care for your brother." - -"I don't--to that extent, Aunt Patsy. I was glad the drowning was -postponed a minute ago, but I'm not now. No, that is all gone by; I want -to be drowned." - -"You'll bring a judgment on yourself just as sure as you live, if you go -on like that. Why, I never heard the beat of it. Now, there--there! -you've said enough. Not another word out of you--I won't have it!" - -"But, Aunt Patsy--" - -"Luigi! Didn't you hear what I told you?" - -"But, Aunt Patsy, I--why, I'm not going to set my heart and lungs afloat -in that pail of sewage which this criminal here has been prescri--" - -"Yes, you are, too. You are going to be good, and do everything I tell -you, like a dear," and she tapped his cheek affectionately with her -finger. "Rowena, take the prescription and go in the kitchen and hunt up -the things and lay them out for me. I'll sit up with my patient the rest -of the night, doctor; I can't trust Nancy, she couldn't make Luigi take -the medicine. Of course, you'll drop in again during the day. Have you -got any more directions?" - -"No, I believe not, Aunt Patsy. If I don't get in earlier, I'll be along -by early candle-light, anyway. Meantime, don't allow him to get out of -his bed." - -Angelo said, with calm determination: - -"I shall be baptized at two o'clock. Nothing but death shall prevent -me." - -The doctor said nothing aloud, but to himself he said: - -"Why, this chap's got a manly side, after all! Physically he's a coward, -but morally he's a lion. I'll go and tell the others about this; it will -raise him a good deal in their estimation--and the public will follow -their lead, of course." - -Privately, Aunt Patsy applauded too, and was proud of Angelo's courage in -the moral field as she was of Luigi's in the field of honor. - -The boy Henry was troubled, but the boy Joe said, inaudibly, and -gratefully, "We're all honky, after all; and no postponement on account -of the weather." - - - - -CHAPTER VIII - -BAPTISM OF THE BETTER HALF - -By nine o'clock the town was humming with the news of the midnight duel, -and there were but two opinions about it: one, that Luigi's pluck in the -field was most praiseworthy and Angela's flight most scandalous; the -other, that Angelo's courage in flying the field for conscience' sake was -as fine and creditable as was Luigi's in holding the field in the face of -the bullets. The one opinion was held by half of the town, the other one -was maintained by the other half. The division was clean and exact, and -it made two parties, an Angela party and a Luigi party. The twins had -suddenly become popular idols along with Pudd'nhead Wilson, and haloed -with a glory as intense as his. The children talked the duel all the way -to Sunday-school, their elders talked it all the way to church, the choir -discussed it behind their red curtain, it usurped the place of pious -thought in the "nigger gallery." - -By noon the doctor had added the news, and spread it, that Count Angelo, -in spite of his wound and all warnings and supplications, was resolute in -his determination to be baptized at the hour appointed. This swept the -town like wildfire, and mightily reinforced the enthusiasm of the Angelo -faction, who said, "If any doubted that it was moral courage that took -him from the field, what have they to say now!" - -Still the excitement grew. All the morning it was traveling countryward, -toward all points of the compass; so, whereas before only the farmers and -their wives were intending to come and witness the remarkable baptism, -a general holiday was now proclaimed and the children and negroes -admitted to the privileges of the occasion. All the farms for ten miles -around were vacated, all the converging roads emptied long processions of -wagons, horses, and yeomanry into the town. The pack and cram of people -vastly exceeded any that had ever been seen in that sleepy region before. -The only thing that had ever even approached it, was the time long gone -by, but never forgotten, nor even referred to without wonder and pride, -when two circuses and a Fourth of July fell together. But the glory of -that occasion was extinguished now for good. It was but a freshet to -this deluge. - -The great invasion massed itself on the river-bank and waited hungrily -for the immense event. Waited, and wondered if it would really happen, -or if the twin who was not a "professor" would stand out and prevent it. - -But they were not to be disappointed. Angela was as good as his word. -He came attended by an escort of honor composed of several hundred of the -best citizens, all of the Angelo party; and when the immersion was -finished they escorted him back home and would even have carried him on -their shoulders, but that people might think they were carrying Luigi. - -Far into the night the citizens continued to discuss and wonder over the -strangely mated pair of incidents that had distinguished and exalted the -past twenty-four hours above any other twenty-four in the history of -their town for picturesqueness and splendid interest; and long before the -lights were out and burghers asleep it had been decided on all hands that -in capturing these twins Dawson's Landing had drawn a prize in the great -lottery of municipal fortune. - -At midnight Angelo was sleeping peacefully. His immersion had not harmed -him, it had merely made him wholesomely drowsy, and he had been dead -asleep many hours now. It had made Luigi drowsy, too, but he had got -only brief naps, on account of his having to take the medicine every -three-quarters of an hour-and Aunt Betsy Hale was there to see that he -did it. When he complained and resisted, she was quietly firm with him, -and said in a low voice: - -"No-no, that won't do; you mustn't talk, and you mustn't retch and gag -that way, either--you'll wake up your poor brother." - -"Well, what of it, Aunt Betsy, he--" - -"'Sh-h! Don't make a noise, dear. You mustn't: forget that your poor -brother is sick and--" - -"Sick, is he? Well, I wish I--" - -"'Sh-h-h! Will you be quiet, Luigi! Here, now, take the rest of it-- -don't keep me holding the dipper all night. I declare if you haven't -left a good fourth of it in the bottom! Come-that's a good-- - -"Aunt Betsy, don't make me! I feel like I've swallowed a cemetery; I do, -indeed. Do let me rest a little--just a little; I can't take any more of -the devilish stuff now." - -"Luigi! Using such language here, and him just baptized! Do you want -the roof to fall on you?" - -"I wish to goodness it would!" - -"Why, you dreadful thing! I've a good notion to--let that blanket alone; -do you want your, brother to catch his death?" - -"Aunt Betsy, I've got to have it off, I'm being roasted alive; nobody -could stand it--you couldn't yourself." - -"Now, then, you're sneezing again--I just expected it." - -"Because I've caught a cold in my head. I always do, when I go in the -water with my clothes on. And it takes me weeks to get over it, too. -I think it was a shame to serve me so." - -"Luigi, you are unreasonable; you know very well they couldn't baptize -him dry. I should think you would be willing to undergo a little -inconvenience for your brother's sake." - -"Inconvenience! Now how you talk, Aunt Betsy. I came as near as -anything to getting drowned you saw that yourself; and do you call this -inconvenience?--the room shut up as tight as a drum, and so hot the -mosquitoes are trying to get out; and a cold in the head, and dying for -sleep and no chance to get any--on account of this infamous medicine that -that assassin prescri--" - -"There, you're sneezing again. I'm going down and mix some more of this -truck for you, dear." - - - - -CHAPTER IX - -THE DRINKLESS DRUNK - -During Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday the twins grew steadily worse; but -then the doctor was summoned South to attend his mother's funeral, and -they got well in forty-eight hours. They appeared on the street on -Friday, and were welcomed with enthusiasm by the new-born parties, the -Luigi and Angelo factions. The Luigi faction carried its strength into -the Democratic party, the Angelo faction entered into a combination with -the Whigs. The Democrats nominated Luigi for alderman under the new city -government, and the Whigs put up Angelo against him. The Democrats -nominated Pudd'nhead Wilson for mayor, and he was left alone in this -glory, for the Whigs had no man who was willing to enter the lists -against such a formidable opponent. No politician had scored such a -compliment as this before in the history of the Mississippi Valley. - -The political campaign in Dawson's Landing opened in a pretty warm -fashion, and waned hotter every week. Luigi's whole heart was in it, -and even Angelo developed a surprising amount of interest-which was -natural, because he was not merely representing Whigism, a matter of no -consequence to him; but he was representing something immensely finer and -greater--to wit, Reform. In him was centered the hopes of the whole -reform element of the town; he was the chosen and admired champion of -every clique that had a pet reform of any sort or kind at heart. He was -president of the great Teetotalers' Union, its chiefest prophet and -mouthpiece. - -But as the canvass went on, troubles began to spring up all around-- -troubles for the twins, and through them for all the parties and segments -and factions of parties. Whenever Luigi had possession of the legs, he -carried Angelo to balls, rum shops, Sons of Liberty parades, horse- -races, campaign riots, and everywhere else that could damage him with his -party and the church; and when it was Angelo's week he carried Luigi -diligently to all manner of moral and religious gatherings, doing his -best to regain the ground he had lost before. As a result of these -double performances, there was a storm blowing all the time, an ever- -rising storm, too--a storm of frantic criticism of the twins, and rage -over their extravagant, incomprehensible conduct. - -Luigi had the final chance. The legs were his for the closing week of -the canvass. He led his brother a fearful dance. - -But he saved his best card for the very eve of the election. There was -to be a grand turnout of the Teetotalers' Union that day, and Angelo was -to march at the head of the procession and deliver a great oration -afterward. Luigi drank a couple of glasses of whisky--which steadied his -nerves and clarified his mind, but made Angelo drunk. Everybody who saw -the march, saw that the Champion of the Teetotalers was half seas over, -and noted also that his brother, who made no hypocritical pretensions to -extra temperance virtues, was dignified and sober. This eloquent fact -could not be unfruitful at the end of a hot political canvass. At the -mass-meeting Angelo tried to make his great temperance oration, but was -so discommoded--by hiccoughs and thickness of tongue that he had to give -it up; then drowsiness overtook him and his head drooped against Luigi's -and he went to sleep. Luigi apologized for him, and was going on to -improve his opportunity with an appeal for a moderation of what he called -"the prevailing teetotal madness," but persons in the audience began to -howl and throw things at him, and then the meeting rose in wrath and -chased him home. - -This episode was a crusher for Angelo in another way. It destroyed his -chances with Rowena. Those chances had been growing, right along, for -two months. Rowena had partly confessed that she loved him, but wanted -time to consider. Now the tender dream was ended, and she told him so -the moment he was sober enough to understand. She said she would never -marry a man who drank. - -"But I don't drink," he pleaded. - -"That is nothing to the point," she said, coldly, "you get drunk, and -that is worse." - -[There was a long and sufficiently idiotic discussion here, which ended -as reported in a previous note.] - - - - -CHAPTER X - -SO THEY HANGED LUIGI - -Dawson's Landing had a week of repose, after the election, and it needed -it, for the frantic and variegated nightmare which had tormented it all -through the preceding week had left it limp, haggard, and exhausted at -the end. It got the week of repose because Angelo had the legs, and was -in too subdued a condition to want to go out and mingle with an irritated -community that had come to disgust and detest him because there was such -a lack of harmony between his morals, which were confessedly excellent, -and his methods of illustrating them, which were distinctly damnable. -The new city officers were sworn in on the following Monday--at least all -but Luigi. There was a complication in his case. His election was -conceded, but he could not sit in the board of aldermen without his -brother, and his brother could not sit there because he was not a member. -There seemed to be no way out of the difficulty but to carry the matter -into the courts, so this was resolved upon. - -The case was set for the Monday fortnight. In due course the time -arrived. In the mean time the city government had been at a standstill, -because with out Luigi there was a tie in the board of aldermen, whereas -with him the liquor interest--the richest in the political field--would -have one majority. But the court decided that Angelo could not sit in -the board with him, either in public or executive sessions, and at the -same time forbade the board to deny admission to Luigi, a fairly and -legally chosen alderman. The case was carried up and up from court to -court, yet still the same old original decision was confirmed every time. -As a result, the city government not only stood still, with its hands -tied, but everything it was created to protect and care for went a steady -gait toward rack and ruin. There was no way to levy a tax, so the minor -officials had to resign or starve; therefore they resigned. There being -no city money, the enormous legal expenses on both sides had to be -defrayed by private subscription. But at last the people came to their -senses, and said: - -"Pudd'nhead was right at the start--we ought to have hired the official -half of that human phillipene to resign; but it's too late now; some of -us haven't got anything left to hire him with." - -"Yes, we have," said another citizen, "we've got this"--and he produced a -halter. - -Many shouted: "That's the ticket." But others said: "No--Count Angelo is -innocent; we mustn't hang him." - -"Who said anything about hanging him? We are only going to hang the -other one." - -"Then that is all right--there is no objection to that." - -So they hanged Luigi. And so ends the history of "Those Extraordinary -Twins." - - - - -FINAL REMARKS - -As you see, it was an extravagant sort of a tale, and had no purpose but -to exhibit that monstrous "freak" in all sorts of grotesque lights. But -when Roxy wandered into the tale she had to be furnished with something -to do; so she changed the children in the cradle; this necessitated the -invention of a reason for it; this, in turn, resulted in making the -children prominent personages--nothing could prevent it of course. Their -career began to take a tragic aspect, and some one had to be brought in -to help work the machinery; so Pudd'nhead Wilson was introduced and taken -on trial. By this time the whole show was being run by the new people -and in their interest, and the original show was become side-tracked and -forgotten; the twin-monster, and the heroine, and the lads, and the old -ladies had dwindled to inconsequentialities and were merely in the way. -Their story was one story, the new people's story was another story, and -there was no connection between them, no interdependence, no kinship. -It is not practicable or rational to try to tell two stories at the same -time; so I dug out the farce and left the tragedy. - -The reader already knew how the expert works; he knows now how the other -kind do it. - -MARK TWAIN. - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg Etext Those Extraordinary Twins, by Mark Twain - diff --git a/old/mtext10.zip b/old/mtext10.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 2198263..0000000 --- a/old/mtext10.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/mtext11.txt b/old/mtext11.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 8b37195..0000000 --- a/old/mtext11.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2951 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg Etext of Those Extraordinary Twins, by Mark Twain -#46 in our series by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) - -Copyright laws are changing all over the world. 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If you - don't derive profits, no royalty is due. Royalties are - payable to "Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation" - the 60 days following each date you prepare (or were - legally required to prepare) your annual (or equivalent - periodic) tax return. Please contact us beforehand to - let us know your plans and to work out the details. - -WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO? -Project Gutenberg is dedicated to increasing the number of -public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed -in machine readable form. - -The Project gratefully accepts contributions of money, time, -public domain materials, or royalty free copyright licenses. -Money should be paid to the: -"Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." - -If you are interested in contributing scanning equipment or -software or other items, please contact Michael Hart at: -hart@pobox.com - -[Portions of this header are copyright (C) 2001 by Michael S. Hart -and may be reprinted only when these Etexts are free of all fees.] -[Project Gutenberg is a TradeMark and may not be used in any sales -of Project Gutenberg Etexts or other materials be they hardware or -software or any other related product without express permission.] - -*END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.10/04/01*END* - - - - - -This etext was produced by David Widger <widger@cecomet.net> - - - - - -THOSE EXTRAORDINARY TWINS - -by Mark Twain - - - -A man who is born with the novel-writing gift has a troublesome time of -it when he tries to build a novel. I know this from experience. He has -no clear idea of his story; in fact he has no story. He merely has some -people in his mind, and an incident or two, also a locality. He knows -these people, he knows the selected locality, and he trusts that he can -plunge those people into those incidents with interesting results. So he -goes to work. To write a novel? No--that is a thought which comes -later; in the beginning he is only proposing to tell a little tale; a -very little tale; a six-page tale. But as it is a tale which he is not -acquainted with, and can only find out what it is by listening as it goes -along telling itself, it is more than apt to go on and on and on till it -spreads itself into a book. I know about this, because it has happened -to me so many times. - -And I have noticed another thing: that as the short tale grows into the -long tale, the original intention (or motif) is apt to get abolished and -find itself superseded by a quite different one. It was so in the case -of a magazine sketch which I once started to write--a funny and fantastic -sketch about a prince and a pauper; it presently assumed a grave cast of -its own accord, and in that new shape spread itself out into a book. -Much the same thing happened with "Pudd'nhead Wilson." I had a -sufficiently hard time with that tale, because it changed itself from a -farce to a tragedy while I was going along with it--a most embarrassing -circumstance. But what was a great deal worse was, that it was not one -story, but two stories tangled together; and they obstructed and -interrupted each other at every turn and created no end of confusion and -annoyance. I could not offer the book for publication, for I was afraid -it would unseat the reader's reason. I did not know what was the matter -with it, for I had not noticed, as yet, that it was two stories in one. -It took me months to make that discovery. I carried the manuscript back -and forth across the Atlantic two or three times, and read it and studied -over it on shipboard; and at last I saw where the difficulty lay. I had -no further trouble. I pulled one of the stories out by the roots, and -left the other one--a kind of literary Caesarean operation. - -Would the reader care to know something about the story which I pulled -out? He has been told many a time how the born-and-trained novelist -works. Won't he let me round and complete his knowledge by telling him -how the jack-leg does it? - -Originally the story was called "Those Extraordinary Twins." I meant to -make it very short. I had seen a picture of a youthful Italian "freak" -or "freaks" which was--or which were--on exhibition in our cities--a -combination consisting of two heads and four arms joined to a single body -and a single pair of legs--and I thought I would write an extravagantly -fantastic little story with this freak of nature for hero--or heroes-- -a silly young miss for heroine, and two old ladies and two boys for the -minor parts. I lavishly elaborated these people and their doings, of -course. But the tale kept spreading along, and spreading along, and -other people got to intruding themselves and taking up more and more room -with their talk and their affairs. Among them came a stranger named -Pudd'nhead Wilson, and a woman named Roxana; and presently the doings of -these two pushed up into prominence a young fellow named Tom Driscoll, -whose proper place was away in the obscure background. Before the book -was half finished those three were taking things almost entirely into -their own hands and working the whole tale as a private venture of their -own--a tale which they had nothing at all to do with, by rights. - -When the book was finished and I came to look around to see what had -become of the team I had originally started out with--Aunt Patsy Cooper, -Aunt Betsy Hale, the two boys, and Rowena the light-weight heroine--they -were nowhere to be seen; they had disappeared from the story some time or -other. I hunted about and found them found them stranded, idle, -forgotten, and permanently useless. It was very awkward. It was awkward -all around; but more particularly in the case of Rowena, because there -was a love-match on, between her and one of the twins that constituted -the freak, and I had worked it up to a blistering heat and thrown in a -quite dramatic love-quarrel, wherein Rowena scathingly denounced her -betrothed for getting drunk, and scoffed at his explanation of how it had -happened, and wouldn't listen to it, and had driven him from her in the -usual "forever" way; and now here she sat crying and broken-hearted; for -she had found that he had spoken only the truth; that it was not he, but -the other half of the freak, that had drunk the liquor that made him -drunk; that her half was a prohibitionist and had never drunk a drop in -his life, and, although tight as a brick three days in the week, was -wholly innocent of blame; and indeed, when sober, was constantly doing -all he could to reform his brother, the other half, who never got any -satisfaction out of drinking, anyway, because liquor never affected him. -Yes, here she was, stranded with that deep injustice of hers torturing -her poor torn heart. - -I didn't know what to do with her. I was as sorry for her as anybody -could be, but the campaign was over, the book was finished, she was -sidetracked, and there was no possible way of crowding her in, anywhere. -I could not leave her there, of course; it would not do. After spreading -her out so, and making such a to-do over her affairs, it would be -absolutely necessary to account to the reader for her. I thought and -thought and studied and studied; but I arrived at nothing. I finally saw -plainly that there was really no way but one--I must simply give her the -grand bounce. It grieved me to do it, for after associating with her so -much I had come to kind of like her after a fashion, notwithstanding she -was such an ass and said such stupid irritating things and was so -nauseatingly sentimental. Still it had to be done. So, at the top of -Chapter XVII, I put in a "Calendar" remark concerning July Fourth, and -began the chapter with this statistic: - -"Rowena went out in the back yard after supper to see the fireworks and -fell down the well and got drowned." - -It seemed abrupt, but I thought maybe the reader wouldn't notice it, -because I changed the subject right away to something else. Anyway it -loosened up Rowena from where she was stuck and got her out of the way, -and that was the main thing. It seemed a prompt good way of weeding out -people that had got stalled, and a plenty good enough way for those -others; so I hunted up the two boys and said "they went out back one -night to stone the cat and fell down the well and got drowned." Next I -searched around and found old Aunt Patsy Cooper and Aunt Betsy Hale where -they were aground, and said "they went out back one night to visit the -sick and fell down the well and got drowned." I was going to drown some -of the others, but I gave up the idea, partly because I believed that if -I kept that up it would arouse attention, and perhaps sympathy with those -people, and partly because it was not a large well and would not hold any -more anyway. - -Still the story was unsatisfactory. Here was a set of new characters who -were become inordinately prominent and who persisted in remaining so to -the end; and back yonder was an older set who made a large noise and a -great to-do for a little while and then suddenly played out utterly and -fell down the well. There was a radical defect somewhere, and I must -search it out and cure it. - -The defect turned out to be the one already spoken of--two stories in -one, a farce and a tragedy. So I pulled out the farce and left the -tragedy. This left the original team in, but only as mere names, not as -characters. Their prominence was wholly gone; they were not even worth -drowning; so I removed that detail. Also I took those twins apart and -made two separate men of them. They had no occasion to have foreign -names now, but it was too much trouble to remove them all through, so I -left them christened as they were and made no explanation. - - - - - - -CHAPTER I - -THE TWINS AS THEY REALLY WERE - -The conglomerate twins were brought on the the stage in Chapter I of the -original extravaganza. Aunt Patsy Cooper has received their letter -applying for board and lodging, and Rowena, her daughter, insane with -joy, is begging for a hearing of it: - -"Well, set down then, and be quiet a minute and don't fly around so; it -fairly makes me tired to see you. It starts off so: 'HONORED MADAM'--" - -"I like that, ma, don't you? It shows they're high-bred." - -"Yes, I noticed that when I first read it. 'My brother and I have seen -your advertisement, by chance, in a copy of your local journal--' - -"It's so beautiful and smooth, ma-don't you think so?" - -"Yes, seems so to me--'and beg leave to take the room you offer. We are -twenty-four years of age, and twins--'" - -"Twins! How sweet! I do hope they are handsome, and I just know they -are! Don't you hope they are, ma?" - -"Land, I ain't particular. 'We are Italians by birth--'" - -"It's so romantic! Just think there's never been one in this town, and -everybody will want to see them, and they're all ours! Think of that!" - -"--'but have lived long in the various countries of Europe, and several -years in the United States.'" - -"Oh, just think what wonders they've seen, ma! Won't it be good to hear -them talk?" - -"I reckon so; yes, I reckon so. 'Our names are Luigi and Angelo Capello- --'" - -"Beautiful, perfectly beautiful! Not like Jones and Robinson and those -horrible names." - -"'You desire but one guest, but dear madam, if you will allow us to pay -for two we will not discommode you. We will sleep together in the same -bed. We have always been used to this, and prefer it. And then he goes -on to say they will be down Thursday." - -"And this is Tuesday--I don't know how I'm ever going to wait, ma! The -time does drag along so, and I'm so dying to see them! Which of them do -you reckon is the tallest, ma?" - -"How do you s'pose I can tell, child? Mostly they are the same -size-twins are." - -"'Well then, which do you reckon is the best looking?" - -"Goodness knows--I don't." - -"I think Angelo is; it's the prettiest name, anyway. Don't you think -it's a sweet name, ma?" - -"Yes, it's well enough. I'd like both of them better if I knew the way -to pronounce them--the Eyetalian way, I mean. The Missouri way and the -Eyetalian way is different, I judge." - -"Maybe--yes. It's Luigi that writes the letter. What do you reckon is -the reason Angelo didn't write it?" - -"Why, how can I tell? What's the difference who writes it, so long as -it's done?" - -"Oh, I hope it wasn't because he is sick! You don't think he is sick, do -you, ma?" - -"Sick your granny; what's to make him sick?" - -"Oh, there's never any telling. These foreigners with that kind of names -are so delicate, and of course that kind of names are not suited to our -climate--you wouldn't expect it." - - -[And so-on and so-on, no end. The time drags along; Thursday comes: the -boat arrives in a pouring storm toward midnight.] - - -At last there was a knock at the door and the anxious family jumped to -open it. Two negro men entered, each carrying a trunk, and proceeded -upstairs toward the guest-room. Then followed a stupefying apparition-- -a double-headed human creature with four arms, one body, and a single -pair of legs! It--or they, as you please--bowed with elaborate foreign -formality, but the Coopers could not respond immediately; they were -paralyzed. At this moment there came from the rear of the group a -fervent ejaculation--"My lan'!"--followed by a crash of crockery, and the -slave-wench Nancy stood petrified and staring, with a tray of wrecked -tea-things at her feet. The incident broke the spell, and brought the -family to consciousness. The beautiful heads of the new-comer bowed -again, and one of them said with easy grace and dignity: - -"I crave the honor, madam and miss, to introduce to you my brother, Count -Luigi Capello," (the other head bowed) "and myself--Count Angelo; and at -the same time offer sincere apologies for the lateness of our coming, -which was unavoidable," and both heads bowed again. - -The poor old lady was in a whirl of amazement and confusion, but she -managed to stammer out: - -"I'm sure I'm glad to make your acquaintance, sir--I mean, gentlemen. -As for the delay, it is nothing, don't mention it. This is my daughter -Rowena, sir--gentlemen. Please step into the parlor and sit down and -have a bite and sup; you are dreadful wet and must be uncomfortable-- -both of you, I mean." - -But to the old lady's relief they courteously excused themselves, saying -it would be wrong to keep the family out of their beds longer; then each -head bowed in turn and uttered a friendly good night, and the singular -figure moved away in the wake of Rowena's small brothers, who bore -candles, and disappeared up the stairs. - -The widow tottered into the parlor and sank into a chair with a gasp, -and Rowena followed, tongue-tied and dazed. The two sat silent in the -throbbing summer heat unconscious of the million-voiced music of the -mosquitoes, unconscious of the roaring gale, the lashing and thrashing of -the rain along the windows and the roof, the white glare of the -lightning, the tumultuous booming and bellowing of the thunder; conscious -of nothing but that prodigy, that uncanny apparition that had come and -gone so suddenly--that weird strange thing that was so soft-spoken and so -gentle of manner and yet had shaken them up like an earthquake with the -shock of its gruesome aspect. At last a cold little shudder quivered -along down the widow's meager frame and she said in a weak voice: - -"Ugh, it was awful just the mere look of that phillipene!" - -Rowena did not answer. Her faculties were still caked; she had not yet -found her voice. Presently the widow said, a little resentfully: - -"Always been used to sleeping together--in-fact, prefer it. And I was -thinking it was to accommodate me. I thought it was very good of them, -whereas a person situated as that young man is--" - -"Ma, you oughtn't to begin by getting up a prejudice against him. -I'm sure he is good-hearted and means well. Both of his faces show it." - -"I'm not so certain about that. The one on the left--I mean the one on -it's left--hasn't near as good a face, in my opinion, as its brother." - -"That's Luigi." - -"Yes, Luigi; anyway it's the dark-skinned one; the one that was west of -his brother when they stood in the door. Up to all kinds of mischief and -disobedience when he was a boy, I'll be bound. I lay his mother had -trouble to lay her hand on him when she wanted him. But the one on the -right is as good as gold, I can see that." - -"That's Angelo." - -"Yes, Angelo, I reckon, though I can't tell t'other from which by their -names, yet awhile. But it's the right-hand one--the blond one. He has -such kind blue eyes, and curly copper hair and fresh complexion--" - -"And such a noble face!--oh, it is a noble face, ma, just royal, you may -say! And beautiful deary me, how beautiful! But both are that; the dark -one's as beautiful as--a picture. There's no such wonderful faces and -handsome heads in this town none that even begin. And such hands, -especially Angelo's--so shapely and--" - -"Stuff, how could you tell which they belonged to?--they had gloves on." - -"Why, didn't I see them take off their hats?" - -"That don't signify. They might have taken off each other's hats. -Nobody could tell. There was just a wormy squirming of arms in the air ---seemed to be a couple of dozen of them, all writhing at once, and it -just made me dizzy to see them go." - -"Why, ma, I hadn't any difficulty. There's two arms on each shoulder--" - -"There, now. One arm on each shoulder belongs to each of the creatures, -don't it? For a person to have two arms on one shoulder wouldn't do him -any good, would it? Of course not. Each has an arm on each shoulder. -Now then, you tell me which of them belongs to which, if you can. They -don't know, themselves--they just work whichever arm comes handy. Of -course they do; especially if they are in a hurry and can't stop to think -which belongs to which." - -The mother seemed to have the rights of the argument, so the daughter -abandoned the struggle. Presently the widow rose with a yawn and said: - -"Poor thing, I hope it won't catch cold; it was powerful wet, just -drenched, you may say. I hope it has left its boots outside, so they can -be dried." - -Then she gave a little start, and looked perplexed. - -"Now I remember I heard one of them ask Joe to call him at half after -seven--I think it was the one on the left--no, it was the one to the east -of the other one--but I didn't hear the other one say any thing. I -wonder if he wants to be called too. Do you reckon it's too late to -ask?" - -"Why, ma, it's not necessary. Calling one is calling both. If one gets -up, the other's got to." - -"Sho, of course; I never thought of that. Well, come along, maybe we can -get some sleep, but I don't know, I'm so shook up with what we've been -through." - -The stranger had made an impression on the boys, too. They had a word of -talk as they were getting to bed. Henry, the gentle, the humane, said: - -"I feel ever so sorry for it, don't you, Joe?" - -But Joe was a boy of this world, active, enterprising, and had a -theatrical side to him: - -"Sorry? Why, how you talk! It can't stir a step without attracting -attention. It's just grand!" - -Henry said, reproachfully: - -"Instead of pitying it, Joe, you talk as if--" - -"Talk as if what? I know one thing mighty certain: if you can fix me so -I can eat for two and only have to stub toes for one, I ain't going to -fool away no such chance just for sentiment." - -The twins were wet and tired, and they proceeded to undress without-any -preliminary remarks. The abundance of sleeve made the partnership coat -hard to get off, for it was like skinning a tarantula; but it came at -last, after much tugging and perspiring. The mutual vest followed. Then -the brothers stood up before the glass, and each took off his own cravat -and collar. The collars were of the standing kind, and came high up -under the ears, like the sides of a wheelbarrow, as required by the -fashion of the day. The cravats were as broad as a bank-bill, with -fringed ends which stood far out to right and left like the wings of a -dragon-fly, and this also was strictly in accordance with the fashion of -the time. Each cravat, as to color, was in perfect taste, so far as its -owner's complexion was concerned--a delicate pink, in the case of the -blond brother, a violent scarlet in the case of the brunette--but as a -combination they broke all the laws of taste known to civilization. -Nothing more fiendish and irreconcilable than those shrieking and -blaspheming colors could have been contrived, The wet boots gave no end -of trouble--to Luigi. When they were off at last, Angelo said, with -bitterness: - -"I wish you wouldn't wear such tight boots, they hurt my feet." - -Luigi answered with indifference: - -"My friend, when I am in command of our body, I choose my apparel -according to my own convenience, as I have remarked more than several -times already. When you are in command, I beg you will do as you -please." - -Angelo was hurt, and the tears came into his eyes. There was gentle -reproach in his voice, but, not anger, when he replied: - -"Luigi, I often consult your wishes, but you never consult mine. When I -am in command I treat you as a guest; I try to make you feel at home; -when you are in command you treat me as an intruder, you make me feel -unwelcome. It embarrasses me cruelly in company, for I can, see that -people notice it and comment on it." - -"Oh, damn the people," responded the brother languidly, and with the air -of one who is tired of the subject. - -A slight shudder shook the frame of Angelo, but he said nothing and the -conversation ceased. Each buttoned his own share of the nightshirt in -silence; then Luigi, with Paine's Age of Reason in his hand, sat down in -one chair and put his feet in another and lit his pipe, while Angelo took -his Whole Duty of Man, and both began to read. Angelo presently began to -cough; his coughing increased and became mixed with gaspings for breath, -and he was finally obliged to make an appeal to his brother's humanity: - -"Luigi, if you would only smoke a little milder tobacco, I am sure I -could learn not to mind it in time, but this is so strong, and the pipe -is so rank that--" - -"Angelo, I wouldn't be such a baby! I have learned to smoke in a week, -and the trouble is already over with me; if you would try, you could -learn too, and then you would stop spoiling my comfort with your -everlasting complaints." - -"Ah, brother, that is a strong word--everlasting--and isn't quite fair. -I only complain when I suffocate; you know I don't complain when we are -in the open air." - -"Well, anyway, you could learn to smoke yourself." - -"But my principles, Luigi, you forget my principles. You would not have -me do a thing which I regard as a sin?" - -"Oh, bosh!" - -The conversation ceased again, for Angelo was sick and discouraged and -strangling; but after some time he closed his book and asked Luigi to -sing "From Greenland's Icy Mountains" with him, but he would not, and -when he tried to sing by himself Luigi did his best to drown his -plaintive tenor with a rude and rollicking song delivered in a thundering -bass. - -After the singing there was silence, and neither brother was happy. -Before blowing the light out Luigi swallowed half a tumbler of whisky, -and Angelo, whose sensitive organization could not endure intoxicants of -any kind, took a pill to keep it from giving him the headache. - - - - -CHAPTER II - -MA COOPER GETS ALL MIXED UP - -The family sat in the breakfast-room waiting for the twins to come down. -The widow was quiet, the daughter was alive with happy excitement. She -said: - -"Ah, they're a boon, ma, just a boon! don't you think so?" - -"Laws, I hope so, I don't know." - -"Why, ma, yes you do. They're so fine and handsome, and high-bred and -polite, so every way superior to our gawks here in this village; why, -they'll make life different from what it was--so humdrum and commonplace, -you know--oh, you may be sure they're full of accomplishments, and -knowledge of the world, and all that, that will be an immense advantage -to society here. Don't you think so, ma?" - -"Mercy on me, how should I know, and I've hardly set eyes on them yet." -After a pause she added, "They made considerable noise after they went -up." - -"Noise? Why, ma, they were singing! And it was beautiful, too." - -"Oh, it was well enough, but too mixed-up, seemed to me." - -"Now, ma, honor bright, did you ever hear 'Greenland's Icy Mountains' -sung sweeter--now did you?" - -"If it had been sung by itself, it would have been uncommon sweet, I -don't deny it; but what they wanted to mix it up with 'Old Bob Ridley' -for, I can't make out. Why, they don't go together, at all. They are -not of the same nature. 'Bob Ridley' is a common rackety slam-bang -secular song, one of the rippingest and rantingest and noisiest there is. -I am no judge of music, and I don't claim it, but in my opinion nobody -can make those two songs go together right." - -"Why, ma, I thought--" - -"It don't make any difference what you thought, it can't be done. They -tried it, and to my mind it was a failure. I never heard such a crazy -uproar; seemed to me, sometimes, the roof would come off; and as for the -cats--well, I've lived a many a year, and seen cats aggravated in more -ways than one, but I've never seen cats take on the way they took on last -night." - -"Well, I don't think that that goes for anything, ma, because it is the -nature of cats that any sound that is unusual--" - -"Unusual! You may well call it so. Now if they are going to sing duets -every night, I do hope they will both sing the same tune at the same -time, for in my opinion a duet that is made up of two different tunes is -a mistake; especially when the tunes ain't any kin to one another, that -way." - -"But, ma, I think it must be a foreign custom; and it must be right too; -and the best way, because they have had every opportunity to know what is -right, and it don't stand to reason that with their education they would -do anything but what the highest musical authorities have sanctioned. -You can't help but admit that, ma." - -The argument was formidably strong; the old lady could not find any way -around it; so, after thinking it over awhile she gave in with a sigh of -discontent, and admitted that the daughter's position was probably -correct. Being vanquished, she had no mind to continue the topic at that -disadvantage, and was about to seek a change when a change came of -itself. A footstep was heard on the stairs, and she said: - -"There-he's coming!" - -"They, ma--you ought to say they--it's nearer right." - -The new lodger, rather shoutingly dressed but looking superbly handsome, -stepped with courtly carnage into the trim little breakfast-room and put -out all his cordial arms at once, like one of those pocket-knives with a -multiplicity of blades, and shook hands with the whole family -simultaneously. He was so easy and pleasant and hearty that all -embarrassment presently thawed away and disappeared, and a cheery feeling -of friendliness and comradeship took its place. He--or preferably they ---were asked to occupy the seat of honor at the foot of the table. They -consented with thanks, and carved the beefsteak with one set of their -hands while they distributed it at the same time with the other set. - -"Will you have coffee, gentlemen, or tea?" - -"Coffee for Luigi, if you please, madam, tea for me." - -"Cream and sugar?" - -"For me, yes, madam; Luigi takes his coffee, black. Our natures differ a -good deal from each other, and our tastes also." - -The first time the negro girl Nancy appeared in the door and saw the two -heads turned in opposite directions and both talking at once, then saw -the commingling arms feed potatoes into one mouth and coffee into the -other at the same time, she had to pause and pull herself out of a -faintness that came over her; but after that she held her grip and was -able to wait on the table with fair courage. - -Conversation fell naturally into the customary grooves. It was a little -jerky, at first, because none of the family could get smoothly through a -sentence without a wabble in it here and a break there, caused by some -new surprise in the way of attitude or gesture on the part of the twins. -The weather suffered the most. The weather was all finished up and -disposed of, as a subject, before the simple Missourians had gotten -sufficiently wonted to the spectacle of one body feeding two heads to -feel composed and reconciled in the presence of so bizarre a miracle. -And even after everybody's mind became tranquilized there was still one -slight distraction left: the hand that picked up a biscuit carried it to -the wrong head, as often as any other way, and the wrong mouth devoured -it. This was a puzzling thing, and marred the talk a little. It -bothered the widow to such a degree that she presently dropped out of the -conversation without knowing it, and fell to watching and guessing and -talking to herself: - -"Now that hand is going to take that coffee to no, it's gone to the other -mouth; I can't understand it; and how, here is the dark-complected hand -with a potato in its fork, I'll see what goes with it--there, the -light-complected head's got it, as sure as I live!" - -Finally Rowena said: - -"Ma, what is the matter with you? Are you dreaming about something?" - -The old lady came to herself and blushed; then she explained with the -first random thing that came into her mind: "I saw Mr. Angelo take up Mr. -Luigi's coffee, and I thought maybe he--sha'n't I give you a cup, Mr. -Angelo?" - -"Oh no, madam, I am very much obliged, but I never drink coffee, much as -I would like to. You did see me take up Luigi's cup, it is true, but if -you noticed, I didn't carry it to my mouth, but to his." - -"Y-es, I thought you did: Did you mean to?" - -"How?" - -The widow was a little embarrassed again. She said: - -"I don't know but what I'm foolish, and you mustn't mind; but you see, -he got the coffee I was expecting to see you drink, and you got a potato -that I thought he was going to get. So I thought it might be a mistake -all around, and everybody getting what wasn't intended for him." - -Both twins laughed and Luigi said: - -"Dear madam, there wasn't any mistake. We are always helping each other -that way. It is a great economy for us both; it saves time and labor. -We have a system of signs which nobody can notice or understand but -ourselves. If I am using both my hands and want some coffee, I make the -sign and Angelo furnishes it to me; and you saw that when he needed a -potato I delivered it." - -"How convenient!" - -"Yes, and often of the extremest value. Take the Mississippi boats, for -instance. They are always overcrowded. There is table-room for only -half of the passengers, therefore they have to set a second table for the -second half. The stewards rush both parties, they give them no time to -eat a satisfying meal, both divisions leave the table hungry. It isn't -so with us. Angelo books himself for the one table, I book myself for -the other. Neither of us eats anything at the other's table, but just -simply works--works. Thus, you see there are four hands to feed Angelo, -and the same four to feed me. Each of us eats two meals." - -The old lady was dazed with admiration, and kept saying, "It is perfectly -wonderful, perfectly wonderful" and the boy Joe licked his chops -enviously, but said nothing--at least aloud. - -"Yes," continued Luigi, "our construction may have its disadvantages--in -fact, has but it also has its compensations of one sort and another. Take -travel, for instance. Travel is enormously expensive, in all countries; -we have been obliged to do a vast deal of it--come, Angelo, don't put any -more sugar in your tea, I'm just over one indigestion and don't want -another right away--been obliged to do a deal of it, as I was saying. -Well, we always travel as one person, since we occupy but one seat; so we -save half the fare." - -"How romantic!" interjected Rowena, with effusion. - -"Yes, my dear young lady, and how practical too, and economical. In -Europe, beds in the hotels are not charged with the board, but -separately--another saving, for we stood to our rights and paid for the -one bed only. The landlords often insisted that as both of us occupied -the bed we ought--" - -"No, they didn't," said Angelo. "They did it only twice, and in both -cases it was a double bed--a rare thing in Europe--and the double bed -gave them some excuse. Be fair to the landlords; twice doesn't -constitute 'often.'" - -"Well, that depends--that depends. I knew a man who fell down a well -twice. He said he didn't mind the first time, but he thought the second -time was once too often. Have I misused that word, Mrs. Cooper?" - -"To tell the truth, I was afraid you had, but it seems to look, now, like -you hadn't." She stopped, and was evidently struggling with the -difficult problem a moment, then she added in the tone of one who is -convinced without being converted, "It seems so, but I can't somehow tell -why." - -Rowena thought Luigi's retort was wonderfully quick and bright, and she -remarked to herself with satisfaction that there wasn't any young native -of Dawson's Landing that could have risen to the occasion like that. -Luigi detected the applause in her face, and expressed his pleasure and -his thanks with his eyes; and so eloquently withal, that the girl was -proud and pleased, and hung out the delicate sign of it on her cheeks. -Luigi went on, with animation: - -"Both of us get a bath for one ticket, theater seat for one ticket, -pew-rent is on the same basis, but at peep-shows we pay double." - -"We have much to' be thankful for," said Angelo, impressively, with a -reverent light in his eye and a reminiscent tone in his voice, "we have -been greatly blessed. As a rule, what one of us has lacked, the other, -by the bounty of Providence, has been able to supply. My brother is -hardy, I am not; he is very masculine, assertive, aggressive; I am much -less so. I am subject to illness, he is never ill. I cannot abide -medicines, and cannot take them, but he has no prejudice against them, -and--" - -"Why, goodness gracious," interrupted the widow, "when you are sick, does -he take the medicine for you?" - -"Always, madam." - -"Why, I never heard such a thing in my life! I think it's beautiful of -you." - -"Oh, madam, it's nothing, don't mention it, it's really nothing at all." - -"But I say it's beautiful, and I stick to it!" cried the widow, with a -speaking moisture in her eye. - -"A well brother to take the medicine for his poor sick brother--I wish I -had such a son," and she glanced reproachfully at her boys. "I declare -I'll never rest till I've shook you by the hand," and she scrambled out -of her chair in a fever of generous enthusiasm, and made for the twins, -blind with her tears, and began to shake. The boy Joe corrected her: -"You're shaking the wrong one, ma." - -This flurried her, but she made a swift change and went on shaking. - -"Got the wrong one again, ma," said the boy. - -"Oh, shut up, can't you!" said the widow, embarrassed and irritated. -"Give me all your hands, I want to shake them all; for I know you are -both just as good as you can be." - -It was a victorious thought, a master-stroke of diplomacy, though that -never occurred to her and she cared nothing for diplomacy. She shook the -four hands in turn cordially, and went back to her place in a state of -high and fine exultation that made her look young and handsome. - -"Indeed I owe everything to Luigi," said Angelo, affectionately. -"But for him I could not have survived our boyhood days, when we were -friendless and poor--ah, so poor! We lived from hand to mouth-lived on -the coarse fare of unwilling charity, and for weeks and weeks together -not a morsel of food passed my lips, for its character revolted me and I -could not eat it. But for Luigi I should have died. He ate for us -both." - -"How noble!" sighed Rowena. - -"Do you hear that?" said the widow, severely, to her boys. "Let it be an -example to you--I mean you, Joe." - -Joe gave his head a barely perceptible disparaging toss and said: "Et for -both. It ain't anything I'd 'a' done it." - -"Hush, if you haven't got any better manners than that. You don't see -the point at all. It wasn't good food." - -"I don't care--it was food, and I'd 'a' et it if it was rotten." - -"Shame! Such language! Can't you understand? They were starving-- -actually starving--and he ate for both, and--" - -"Shucks! you gimme a chance and I'll--" - -"There, now--close your head! and don't you open it again till you're -asked." - - [Angelo goes on and tells how his parents the Count and Countess had - to fly from Florence for political reasons, and died poor in Berlin - bereft of their great property by confiscation; and how he and Luigi - had to travel with a freak-show during two years and suffer - semi-starvation.] - -"That hateful black-bread; but I seldom ate anything during that time; -that was poor Luigi's affair--" - -"I'll never Mister him again!" cried the widow, with strong emotion, -"he's Luigi to me, from this out!" - -"Thank you a thousand times, madam, a thousand times! though in truth I -don't deserve it." - -"Ah, Luigi is always the fortunate one when honors are showering," said -Angelo, plaintively; "now what have I done, Mrs. Cooper, that you leave -me out? Come, you must strain a point in my favor." - -"Call you Angelo? Why, certainly I will; what are you thinking of! In -the case of twins, why--" - -"But, ma, you're breaking up the story--do let him go on." - -"You keep still, Rowena Cooper, and he can go on all the better, I -reckon. One interruption don't hurt, it's two that makes the trouble." - -"But you've added one, now, and that is three." - -"Rowena! I will not allow you to talk back at me when you have got -nothing rational to say." - - - - -CHAPTER III - -ANGELO IS BLUE - -[After breakfast the whole village crowded in, and there was a grand -reception in honor of the twins; and at the close of it the gifted -"freak" captured everybody's admiration by sitting down at the piano and -knocking out a classic four-handed piece in great style. Then the judge -took it--or them--driving in his buggy and showed off his village.] - -All along the streets the people crowded the windows and stared at the -amazing twins. Troops of small boys flocked after the buggy, excited and -yelling. At first the dogs showed no interest. They thought they merely -saw three men in a buggy--a matter of no consequence; but when they found -out the facts of the case, they altered their opinion pretty radically, -and joined the boys, expressing their minds as they came. Other dogs got -interested; indeed, all the dogs. It was a spirited sight to see them -come leaping fences, tearing around corners, swarming out of every -bystreet and alley. The noise they made was something beyond belief-- -or praise. They did not seem to be moved by malice but only by -prejudice, the common human prejudice against lack of conformity. If the -twins turned their heads, they broke and fled in every direction, but -stopped at a safe distance and faced about; and then formed and came on -again as soon as the strangers showed them their back. Negroes and -farmers' wives took to the woods when the buggy came upon them suddenly, -and altogether the drive was pleasant and animated, and a refreshment all -around. - - [It was a long and lively drive. Angelo was a Methodist, Luigi was - a Free-thinker. The judge was very proud of his Freethinkers' - Society, which was flourishing along in a most prosperous way and - already had two members--himself and the obscure and neglected - Pudd'nhead Wilson. It was to meet that evening, and he invited - Luigi to join; a thing which Luigi was glad to do, partly because it - would please himself, and partly because it would gravel Angelo.] - -They had now arrived at the widow's gate, and the excursion was ended. -The twins politely expressed their obligations for the pleasant outing -which had been afforded them; to which the judge bowed his thanks, -and then said he would now go and arrange for the Free-thinkers' meeting, -and would call for Count Luigi in the evening. - -"For you also, dear sir," he added hastily, turning to Angelo and bowing. -"In addressing myself particularly to your brother, I was not meaning to -leave you out. It was an unintentional rudeness, I assure you, and due -wholly to accident--accident and preoccupation. I beg you to forgive -me." - -His quick eye had seen the sensitive blood mount into Angelo's face, -betraying the wound that had been inflicted. The sting of the slight had -gone deep, but the apology was so prompt, and so evidently sincere, that -the hurt was almost immediately healed, and a forgiving smile testified -to the kindly judge that all was well again. - -Concealed behind Angelo's modest and unassuming exterior, and unsuspected -by any but his intimates, was a lofty pride, a pride of almost abnormal -proportions, indeed, and this rendered him ever the prey of slights; and -although they were almost always imaginary ones, they hurt none the less -on that account. By ill fortune judge Driscoll had happened to touch his -sorest point, i.e., his conviction that his brother's presence was -welcomer everywhere than his own; that he was often invited, out of mere -courtesy, where only his brother was wanted, and that in a majority of -cases he would not be included in an invitation if he could be left out -without offense. A sensitive nature like this is necessarily subject to -moods; moods which traverse the whole gamut of feeling; moods which know -all the climes of emotion, from the sunny heights of joy to the black -abysses of despair. At times, in his seasons of deepest depressions, -Angelo almost wished that he and his brother might become segregated from -each other and be separate individuals, like other men. But of course as -soon as his mind cleared and these diseased imaginings passed away, he -shuddered at the repulsive thought, and earnestly prayed that it might -visit him no more. To be separate, and as other men are! How awkward it -would seem; how unendurable. What would he do with his hands, his arms? -How would his legs feel? How odd, and strange, and grotesque every -action, attitude, movement, gesture would be. To sleep by himself, eat -by himself, walk by himself--how lonely, how unspeakably lonely! No, no, -any fate but that. In every way and from every point, the idea was -revolting. - -This was of course natural; to have felt otherwise would have been -unnatural. He had known no life but a combined one; he had been familiar -with it from his birth; he was not able to conceive of any other as being -agreeable, or even bearable. To him, in the privacy of his secret -thoughts, all other men were monsters, deformities: and during -three-fourths of his life their aspect had filled him with what promised -to be an unconquerable aversion. But at eighteen his eye began to take -note of female beauty; and little by little, undefined longings grew up -in his heart, under whose softening influences the old stubborn aversion -gradually diminished, and finally disappeared. Men were still -monstrosities to him, still deformities, and in his sober moments he had -no desire to be like them, but their strange and unsocial and uncanny -construction was no longer offensive to him. - -This had been a hard day for him, physically and mentally. He had been -called in the morning before he had quite slept off the effects of the -liquor which Luigi had drunk; and so, for the first half-hour had had the -seedy feeling, and languor, the brooding depression, the cobwebby mouth -and druggy taste that come of dissipation and are so ill a preparation -for bodily or intellectual activities; the long violent strain of the -reception had followed; and this had been followed, in turn, by the -dreary sight-seeing, the judge's wearying explanations and laudations of -the sights, and the stupefying clamor of the dogs. As a congruous -conclusion, a fitting end, his feelings had been hurt, a slight had been -put upon him. He would have been glad to forego dinner and betake -himself to rest and sleep, but he held his peace and said no word, for he -knew his brother, Luigi, was fresh, unweary, full of life, spirit, -energy; he would have scoffed at the idea of wasting valuable time on a -bed or a sofa, and would have refused permission. - - - - -CHAPTER IV - -SUPERNATURAL CHRONOMETRY - -Rowena was dining out, Joe and Harry were belated at play, there were but -three chairs and four persons that noon at the home dinner-table-- -the twins, the widow, and her chum, Aunt Betsy Hale. The widow soon -perceived that Angelo's spirits were as low as Luigi's were high, and -also that he had a jaded look. Her motherly solicitude was aroused, and -she tried to get him interested in the talk and win him to a happier -frame of mind, but the cloud of sadness remained on his countenance. -Luigi lent his help, too. He used a form and a phrase which he was -always accustomed to employ in these circumstances. He gave his brother -an affectionate slap on the shoulder and said, encouragingly: - -"Cheer up, the worst is yet to come!" - -But this did no good. It never did. If anything, it made the matter -worse, as a rule, because it irritated Angelo. This made it a favorite -with Luigi. By and by the widow said: - -"Angelo, you are tired, you've overdone yourself; you go right to bed -after dinner, and get a good nap and a rest, then you'll be all right." - -"Indeed, I would give anything if I could do that, madam." - -"And what's to hender, I'd like to know? Land, the room's yours to do -what you please with! The idea that you can't do what you like with your -own!" - -"But, you see, there's one prime essential--an essential of the very -first importance--which isn't my own." - -"What is that?" - -"My body." - -The old ladies looked puzzled, and Aunt Betsy Hale said: - -"Why bless your heart, how is that?" - -"It's my brother's." - -"Your brother's! I don't quite understand. I supposed it belonged to -both of you." - -"So it does. But not to both at the same time." - -"That is mighty curious; I don't see how it can be. I shouldn't think it -could be managed that way." - -"Oh, it's a good enough arrangement, and goes very well; in fact, it -wouldn't do to have it otherwise. I find that the teetotalers and the -anti-teetotalers hire the use of the same hall for their meetings. Both -parties don't use it at the same time, do they?" - -"You bet they don't!" said both old ladies in a breath. - -"And, moreover," said Aunt Betsy, "the Freethinkers and the Baptist Bible -class use the same room over the Market house, but you can take my word -for it they don't mush up together and use it at the same time.' - -"Very well," said Angelo, "you understand it now. And it stands to -reason that the arrangement couldn't be improved. I'll prove it to you. -If our legs tried to obey two wills, how could we ever get anywhere? -I would start one way, Luigi would start another, at the same moment-- -the result would be a standstill, wouldn't it?" - -"As sure as you are born! Now ain't that wonderful! A body would never -have thought of it." - -"We should always be arguing and fussing and disputing over the merest -trifles. We should lose worlds of time, for we couldn't go down-stairs -or up, couldn't go to bed, couldn't rise, couldn't wash, couldn't dress, -couldn't stand up, couldn't sit down, couldn't even cross our legs, -without calling a meeting first and explaining the case and passing -resolutions, and getting consent. It wouldn't ever do--now would it?" - -"Do? Why, it would wear a person out in a week! Did you ever hear -anything like it, Patsy Cooper?" - -"Oh, you'll find there's more than one thing about them that ain't -commonplace," said the widow, with the complacent air of a person with a -property right in a novelty that is under admiring scrutiny. - -"Well, now, how ever do you manage it? I don't mind saying I'm suffering -to know." - -"He who made us," said Angelo reverently, "and with us this difficulty, -also provided a way out of it. By a mysterious law of our being, each of -us has utter and indisputable command of our body a week at a time, turn -and turn about." - -"Well, I never! Now ain't that beautiful!" - -"Yes, it is beautiful and infinitely wise and just. The week ends every -Saturday at midnight to the minute, to the second, to the last shade of -a fraction of a second, infallibly, unerringly, and in that instant the -one brother's power over the body vanishes and the other brother takes -possession, asleep or awake." - -"How marvelous are His ways, and past finding out!" - -Luigi said: "So exactly to the instant does the change come, that during -our stay in many of the great cities of the world, the public clocks were -regulated by it; and as hundreds of thousands of private clocks and -watches were set and corrected in accordance with the public clocks, we -really furnished the standard time for the entire city." - -"Don't tell me that He don't do miracles any more! Blowing down the -walls of Jericho with rams' horns wa'n't as difficult, in my opinion." - -"And that is not all," said Angelo. "A thing that is even more -marvelous, perhaps, is the fact that the change takes note of longitude -and fits itself to the meridian we are on. Luigi is in command this -week. Now, if on Saturday night at a moment before midnight we could fly -in an instant to a point fifteen degrees west of here, he would hold -possession of the power another hour, for the change observes local time -and no other." - -Betsy Hale was deeply impressed, and said with solemnity: - -"Patsy Cooper, for detail it lays over the Passage of the Red Sea." - -"Now, I shouldn't go as far as that," said Aunt Patsy, "but if you've a -mind to say Sodom and Gomorrah, I am with you, Betsy Hale." - -"I am agreeable, then, though I do think I was right, and I believe -Parson Maltby would say the same. Well, now, there's another thing. -Suppose one of you wants to borrow the legs a minute from the one that's -got them, could he let him?" - -"Yes, but we hardly ever do that. There were disagreeable results, -several times, and so we very seldom ask or grant the privilege, -nowadays, and we never even think of such a thing unless the case is -extremely urgent. Besides, a week's possession at a time seems so little -that we can't bear to spare a minute of it. People who have the use of -their legs all the time never think of what a blessing it is, of course. -It never occurs to them; it's just their natural ordinary condition, -and so it does not excite them at all. But when I wake up, on Sunday -morning, and it's my week and I feel the power all through me, oh, such a -wave of exultation and thanksgiving goes surging over me, and I want to -shout 'I can walk! I can walk!' Madam, do you ever, at your uprising, -want to shout 'I can walk! I can walk!'?" - -"No, you poor unfortunate cretur', but I'll never get out of my bed again -without doing it! Laws, to think I've had this unspeakable blessing all -my long life and never had the grace to thank the good Lord that gave it -to me!" - -Tears stood in the eyes of both the old ladies and the widow said, -softly: - -"Betsy Hale, we have learned something, you and me." - -The conversation now drifted wide, but by and by floated back once more -to that admired detail, the rigid and beautiful impartiality with which -the possession of power had been distributed, between the twins. Aunt -Betsy saw in it a far finer justice than human law exhibits in related -cases. She said: - -"In my opinion it ain't right no, and never has been right, the way a -twin born a quarter of a minute sooner than the other one gets all the -land and grandeurs and nobilities in the old countries and his brother -has to go bare and be a nobody. Which of you was born first?" - -Angelo's head was resting against Luigi's; weariness had overcome him, -and for the past five minutes he had been peacefully sleeping. The old -ladies had dropped their voices to a lulling drone, to help him to steal -the rest his brother wouldn't take him up-stairs to get. Luigi listened -a moment to Angelo's regular breathing, then said in a voice barely -audible: - -"We were both born at the same time, but I am six months older than he -is." - -"For the land's sake!" - -"'Sh! don't wake him up; he wouldn't like my telling this. It has -always been kept secret till now." - -"But how in the world can it be? If you were both born at the same time, -how can one of you be older than the other?" - -"It is very simple, and I assure you it is true. I was born with a full -crop of hair, he was as bald as an egg for six months. I could walk six -months before he could make a step. I finished teething six months ahead -of him. I began to take solids six months before he left the breast. -I began to talk six months before he could say a word. Last, and -absolutely unassailable proof, the sutures in my skull closed six months -ahead of his. Always just that six months' difference to a day. Was -that accident? Nobody is going to claim that, I'm sure. It was ordained -it was law it had its meaning, and we know what that meaning was. Now -what does this overwhelming body of evidence establish? It establishes -just one thing, and that thing it establishes beyond any peradventure -whatever. Friends, we would not have it known for the world, and I must -beg you to keep it strictly to yourselves, but the truth is, we are no -more twins than you are." - -The two old ladies were stunned, paralyzed-petrified, one may almost say ---and could only sit and gaze vacantly at each other for some moments; -then Aunt Betsy Hale said impressively: - -"There's no getting around proof like that. I do believe it's the most -amazing thing I ever heard of." She sat silent a moment or two and -breathing hard with excitement, then she looked up and surveyed the -strangers steadfastly a little while, and added: "Well, it does beat me, -but I would have took you for twins anywhere." - -"So would I, so would I," said Aunt Patsy with the emphasis of a -certainty that is not impaired by any shade of doubt. - -"Anybody would-anybody in the world, I don't care who he is," said Aunt -Betsy with decision. - -"You won't tell," said Luigi, appealingly. - -"Oh, dear, no!" answered both ladies promptly, "you can trust us, don't -you be afraid." - -"That is good of you, and kind. Never let on; treat us always as if we -were twins." - -"You can depend on us," said Aunt Betsy, "but it won't be easy, because -now that I know you ain't you don't seem so." - -Luigi muttered to himself with satisfaction: "That swindle has gone -through without change of cars." - -It was not very kind of him to load the poor things up with a secret like -that, which would be always flying to their tongues' ends every time they -heard any one speak of the strangers as twins, and would become harder -and harder to hang on to with every recurrence of the temptation to tell -it, while the torture of retaining it would increase with every new -strain that was applied; but he never thought of that, and probably would -not have worried much about it if he had. - -A visitor was announced--some one to see the twins. They withdrew to the -parlor, and the two old ladies began to discuss with interest the strange -things which they had been listening to. When they had finished the -matter to their satisfaction, and Aunt Betsy rose to go, she stopped to -ask a question: - -"How does things come on between Roweny and Tom Driscoll?" - -"Well, about the same. He writes tolerable often, and she answers -tolerable seldom." - -"Where is he?" - -"In St. Louis, I believe, though he's such a gadabout that a body can't -be very certain of him, I reckon." - -"Don't Roweny know?" - -"Oh, yes, like enough. I haven't asked her lately." - -"Do you know how him and the judge are getting along now?" - -"First rate, I believe. Mrs. Pratt says so; and being right in the -house, and sister to the one and aunt to t'other, of course she ought to -know. She says the judge is real fond of him when he's away; but frets -when he's around and is vexed with his ways, and not sorry to have him go -again. He has been gone three weeks this time--a pleasant thing for both -of them, I reckon." - -"Tom's rather harum-scarum, but there ain't anything bad in him, I -guess." - -"Oh, no, he's just young, that's all. Still, twenty-three is old, in one -way. A young man ought to be earning his living by that time. If Tom -were doing that, or was even trying to do it, the judge would be a heap -better satisfied with him. Tom's always going to begin, but somehow he -can't seem to find just the opening he likes." - -"Well, now, it's partly the judge's own fault. Promising the boy his -property wasn't the way to set him to earning a fortune of his own. But -what do you think is Roweny beginning to lean any toward him, or ain't -she?" - -Aunt Patsy had a secret in her bosom; she wanted to keep it there, but -nature was too strong for her. She drew Aunt Betsy aside, and said in -her most confidential and mysterious manner: - -"Don't you breathe a syllable to a soul--I'm going to tell you something. -In my opinion Tom Driscoll's chances were considerable better yesterday -than they are to-day." - -"Patsy Cooper, what do you mean?" - -"It's so, as sure as you're born. I wish you could 'a' been at breakfast -and seen for yourself." - -"You don't mean it!" - -"Well, if I'm any judge, there's a leaning--there's a leaning, sure." - -"My land! Which one of 'em is it?" - -"I can't say for certain, but I think it's the youngest one--Anjy." - -Then there were hand-shakings, and congratulations, and hopes, and so on, -and the old ladies parted, perfectly happy--the one in knowing something -which the rest of the town didn't, and the other in having been the sole -person able to furnish that knowledge. - -The visitor who had called to see the twins was the Rev. Mr. Hotchkiss, -pastor of the Baptist church. At the reception Angelo had told him he -had lately experienced a change in his religious views, and was now -desirous of becoming a Baptist, and would immediately join Mr. -Hotchkiss's church. There was no time to say more, and the brief talk -ended at that point. The minister was much gratified, and had dropped in -for a moment now, to invite the twins to attend his Bible class at eight -that evening. Angelo accepted, and was expecting Luigi to decline, but -he did not, because he knew that the Bible class and the Freethinkers met -in the same room, and he wanted to treat his brother to the embarrassment -of being caught in free-thinking company. - - - - -CHAPTER V - -GUILT AND INNOCENCE FINELY BLENT - -[A long and vigorous quarrel follows, between the twins. And there is -plenty to quarrel about, for Angelo was always seeking truth, and this -obliged him to change and improve his religion with frequency, which -wearied Luigi, and annoyed him too; for he had to be present at each new -enlistment--which placed him in the false position of seeming to indorse -and approve his brother's fickleness; moreover, he had to go to Angelo's -prohibition meetings, and he hated them. On the other hand, when it was -his week to command the legs he gave Angelo just cause of complaint, for -he took him to circuses and horse-races and fandangoes, exposing him to -all sorts of censure and criticism; and he drank, too; and whatever he -drank went to Angelo's head instead of his own and made him act -disgracefully. When the evening was come, the two attended the Free- -thinkers' meeting, where Angelo was sad and silent; then came the Bible -class and looked upon him coldly, finding him in such company. Then they -went to Wilson's house and Chapter XI of Pudd'nhead Wilson follows, which -tells of the girl seen in Tom Driscoll's room; and closes with the -kicking of Tom by Luigi at the anti-temperance mass-meeting of the Sons -of Liberty; with the addition of some account of Roxy's adventures as a -chamber-maid on a Mississippi boat. Her exchange of the children had -been flippantly and farcically described in an earlier chapter.] - -Next morning all the town was a-buzz with great news; Pudd'nhead Wilson -had a law case! The, public astonishment was so great and the public -curiosity so intense, that when the justice of the peace opened his -court, the place was packed with people and even the windows were full. -Everybody was, flushed and perspiring; the summer heat was almost -unendurable. - -Tom Driscoll had brought a charge of assault and battery against the -twins. Robert Allen was retained by Driscoll, David Wilson by the -defense. Tom, his native cheerfulness unannihilated by his back-breaking -and bone-bruising passage across the massed heads of the Sons of Liberty -the previous night, laughed his little customary laugh, and said to -Wilson: - -"I've kept my promise, you see; I'm throwing my business your way. -Sooner than I was expecting, too." - -"It's very good of you--particularly if you mean to keep it up." - -"Well, I can't tell about that yet. But we'll see. If I find you -deserve it I'll take you under my protection and make your fame and -fortune for you." - -"I'll try to deserve it, Tom." - -A jury was sworn in; then Mr. Allen said: - -"We will detain your honor but a moment with this case. It is not one -where any doubt of the fact of the assault can enter in. These -gentlemen--the accused--kicked my client at the Market Hall last night; -they kicked him with violence; with extraordinary violence; with even -unprecedented violence, I may say; insomuch that he was lifted entirely -off his feet and discharged into the midst of the audience. We can prove -this by four hundred witnesses--we shall call but three. Mr. Harkness -will take the stand." - -Mr. Harkness, being sworn, testified that he was chairman upon the -occasion mentioned; that he was close at hand and saw the defendants in -this action kick the plaintiff into the air and saw him descend among the -audience. - -"Take the witness," said Allen. - -"Mr. Harkness," said Wilson, "you say you saw these gentlemen, my -clients, kick the plaintiff. Are you sure--and please remember that you -are on oath--are you perfectly sure that you saw both of them kick him, -or only one? Now be careful." - -A bewildered look began to spread itself over the witness's face. He -hesitated, stammered, but got out nothing. His eyes wandered to the -twins and fixed themselves there with a vacant gaze. - -"Please answer, Mr. Harkness, you are keeping the court waiting. It is -a very simple question." - -Counsel for the prosecution broke in with impatience: - -"Your honor, the question is an irrelevant triviality. Necessarily, they -both kicked him, for they have but the one pair of legs, and both are -responsible for them." - -Wilson said, sarcastically: - -"Will your honor permit this new witness to be sworn? He seems to -possess knowledge which can be of the utmost value just at this moment-- -knowledge which would at once dispose of what every one must see is a -very difficult question in this case. Brother Allen, will you take the -stand?" - -"Go on with your case!" said Allen, petulantly. The audience laughed, -and got a warning from the court. - -"Now, Mr. Harkness," said Wilson, insinuatingly, "we shall have to insist -upon an answer to that question." - -"I--er--well, of course, I do not absolutely know, but in my opinion--" - -"Never mind your opinion, sir--answer the question." - -"I--why, I can't answer it." - -"That will do, Mr. Harkness. Stand down." - -The audience tittered, and the discomfited witness retired in a state of -great embarrassment. - -Mr. Wakeman took the stand and swore that he saw the twins kick the -plaintiff off the platform. - -The defense took the witness. - -"Mr. Wakeman, you have sworn that you saw these gentlemen kick the -plaintiff. Do I understand you to swear that you saw them both do it?" - -"Yes, sir,"--with derision. - -"How do you know that both did it?" - -"Because I saw them do it." - -The audience laughed, and got another warning from the court. - -"But by what means do you know that both, and not one, did it?" - -"Well, in the first place, the insult was given to both of them equally, -for they were called a pair of scissors. Of course they would both want -to resent it, and so--" - -"Wait! You are theorizing now. Stick to facts--counsel will attend to -the arguments. Go on." - -"Well, they both went over there--that I saw." - -"Very good. Go on." - -"And they both kicked him--I swear to it." - -"Mr. Wakeman, was Count Luigi, here, willing to join the Sons of Liberty -last night?" - -"Yes, sir, he was. He did join, too, and drank a glass or two of whisky, -like a man." - -"Was his brother willing to join?" - -"No, sir, he wasn't. He is a teetotaler, and was elected through a -mistake." - -"Was he given a glass of whisky?" - -"Yes, sir, but of course that was another mistake, and not intentional. -He wouldn't drink it. He set it down." A slight pause, then he added, -casually and quite simply: "The plaintiff reached for it and hogged it." - -There was a fine outburst of laughter, but as the justice was caught out -himself, his reprimand was not very vigorous. - -Mr. Allen jumped up and exclaimed: "I protest against these foolish -irrelevancies. What have they to do with the case?" - -Wilson said: "Calm yourself, brother, it was only an experiment. Now, -Mr. Wakeman, if one of these gentlemen chooses to join an association and -the other doesn't; and if one of them enjoys whisky and the other -doesn't, but sets it aside and leaves it unprotected" (titter from the -audience), "it seems to show that they have independent minds, and -tastes, and preferences, and that one of them is able to approve of a -thing at the very moment that the other is heartily disapproving of it. -Doesn't it seem so to you?" - -"Certainly it does. It's perfectly plain." - -"Now, then, it might be--I only say it might be--that one of these -brothers wanted to kick the plaintiff last night, and that the other -didn't want that humiliating punishment inflicted upon him in that public -way and before all those people. Isn't that possible?" - -"Of course it is. It's more than possible. I don't believe the blond -one would kick anybody. It was the other one that--" - -"Silence!" shouted the plaintiff's counsel, and went on with an angry -sentence which was lost in the wave of laughter that swept the house. - -"That will do, Mr. Wakeman," said Wilson, "you may stand down." - -The third witness was called. He had seen the twins kick the plaintiff. -Mr. Wilson took the witness. - -"Mr. Rogers, you say you saw these accused gentlemen kick the plaintiff?" - -"Yes, sir." - -"Both of them?" - -"Yes, sir." - -"Which of them kicked him first?" - -"Why--they--they both kicked him at the same time. - -"Are you perfectly sure of that?" - -"Yes, sir." - -"What makes you sure of it?" - -"Why, I stood right behind them, and saw them do it." - -"How many kicks were delivered?" - -"Only one." - -"If two men kick, the result should be two kicks, shouldn't it?" - -"Why--why yes, as a rule." - -"Then what do you think went with the other kick?" - -"I--well--the fact is, I wasn't thinking of two being necessary, this -time." - -"What do you think now?" - -"Well, I--I'm sure I don't quite know what to think, but I reckon that -one of them did half of the kick and the other one did the other half." - -Somebody in the crowd sung out: "It's the first sane thing that any of -them has said." - -The audience applauded. The judge said: "Silence! or I will clear the -court." - -Mr. Allen looked pleased, but Wilson did not seem disturbed. He said: - -"Mr. Rogers, you have favored us with what you think and what you reckon, -but as thinking and reckoning are not evidence, I will now give you a -chance to come out with something positive, one way or the other, and -shall require you to produce it. I will ask the accused to stand up and -repeat the phenomenal kick of last night." The twins stood up. "Now, -Mr. Rogers, please stand behind them." - -A Voice: "No, stand in front!" (Laughter. Silenced by the court.) -Another Voice: "No, give Tommy another highst!" (Laughter. Sharply -rebuked by the court.) - -"Now, then, Mr. Rogers, two kicks shall be delivered, one after the -other, and I give you my word that at least one of the two shall be -delivered by one of the twins alone, without the slightest assistance -from his brother. Watch sharply, for you have of to render a decision -without any if's and ands it." Rogers bent himself behind the twins with -palms just above his knees, in the modern attitude of the catcher at a -baseball match, and riveted eyes on the pair of legs in front of him. - -"Are you ready, Mr. Rogers?" - -"Ready sir." - -The kick, launched. - -"Have you got that one classified, Mr. Rogers?" - -"Let me study a minute, sir." - -"Take as much time as you please. Let me know when you are ready." - -For as much as a minute Rogers pondered, with all eyes and a breathless -interest fastened upon him. Then he gave the word: "Ready, sir." - -"Kick!" - -The kick that followed was an exact duplicate of the first one. - -"Now, then, Mr. Rogers, one of those kicks was an individual kick, not a -mutual one. You will now state positively which was the mutual one." - -The witness said, with a crestfallen look: - -"I've got to give it up. There ain't any man in the world that could -tell t'other from which, sir." - -"Do you still assert that last night's kick was a mutual kick?" - -"Indeed, I don't, sir." - -"That will do, Mr. Rogers. If my brother Allen desires to address the -court, your honor, very well; but as far as I am concerned I am ready to -let the case be at once delivered into the hands of this intelligent jury -without comment." - -Mr. Justice Robinson had been in office only two months, and in that -short time had not had many cases to try, of course. He had no knowledge -of laws and courts except what he had picked up since he came into -office. He was a sore trouble to the lawyers, for his rulings were -pretty eccentric sometimes, and he stood by them with Roman simplicity -and fortitude; but the people were well satisfied with him, for they saw -that his intentions were always right, that he was entirely impartial, -and that he usually made up in good sense what he lacked in technique, -so to speak. He now perceived that there was likely to be a miscarriage -of justice here, and he rose to the occasion. - -"Wait a moment, gentlemen," he said, "it is plain that an assault has -been committed it is plain to anybody; but the way things are going, the -guilty will certainly escape conviction. I can not allow this. Now---" - -"But, your honor!" said Wilson, interrupting him, earnestly but -respectfully, "you are deciding the case yourself, whereas the jury--" - -"Never mind the jury, Mr. Wilson; the jury will have a chance when there -is a reasonable doubt for them to take hold of--which there isn't, -so far. There is no doubt whatever that an assault has been committed. -The attempt to show that both of the accused committed it has failed. -Are they both to escape justice on that account? Not in this court, -if I can prevent it. It appears to have been a mistake to bring the -charge against them as a corporation; each should have been charged in -his capacity as an individual, and--" - -"But, your honor!" said Wilson, "in fairness to my clients I must insist -that inasmuch as the prosecution 'd not separate the--" - -"No wrong will be done your clients, sir--they will be protected; -also the public and the offended laws. Mr. Allen, you will amend your -pleadings, and put one of the accused on trial at a time." - -Wilson broke in: "But, your honor! this is wholly unprecedented! -To imperil an accused person by arbitrarily altering and widening the -charge against him in order to compass his conviction when the charge as -originally brought promises to fail to convict, is a thing unheard of -before." - -"Unheard of where?" - -"In the courts of this or any other state." - -The judge said with dignity: "I am not acquainted with the customs of -other courts, and am not concerned to know what they are. I am -responsible for this court, and I cannot conscientiously allow my -judgment to be warped and my judicial liberty hampered by trying to -conform to the caprices of other courts, be they--" - -"But, your honor, the oldest and highest courts in Europe--" - -"This court is not run on the European plan, Mr. Wilson; it is not run on -any plan but its own. It has a plan of its own; and that plan is, -to find justice for both State and accused, no matter what happens to be -practice and custom in Europe or anywhere else." (Great applause.) -"Silence! It has not been the custom of this court to imitate other -courts; it has not been the custom of this court to take shelter behind -the decisions of other courts, and we will not begin now. We will do the -best we can by the light that God has given us, and while this 'court -continues to have His approval, it will remain indifferent to what other -organizations may think of it." (Applause.) "Gentlemen, I must have -order!--quiet yourselves! Mr. Allen, you will now proceed against the -prisoners one at a time. Go on with the case." - -Allen was not at his ease. However, after whispering a moment with his -client and with one or two other people, he rose and said: - -"Your honor, I find it to be reported and believed that the accused are -able to act independently in many ways, but that this independence does -not extend to their legs, authority over their legs being vested -exclusively in the one brother during a specific term of days, and then -passing to the other brother for a like term, and so on, by regular -alternation. I could call witnesses who would prove that the accused had -revealed to them the existence of this extraordinary fact, and had also -made known which of them was in possession of the legs yesterday--and -this would, of course, indicate where the guilt of the assault belongs-- -but as this would be mere hearsay evidence, these revelations not having -been made under oath" - -"Never mind about that, Mr. Allen. It may not all be hearsay. We shall -see. It may at least help to put us on the right track. Call the -witnesses." - -"Then I will call Mr. John Buckstone, who is now present, and I beg that -Mrs. Patsy Cooper may be sent for. Take the stand, Mr. Buckstone." - -Buckstone took the oath, and then testified that on the previous evening -the Count Angelo Capello had protested against going to the hall, and had -called all present to witness that he was going by compulsion and would -not go if he could help himself. Also, that the Count Luigi had replied -sharply that he would go, just the same, and that he, Count Luigi, would -see to that himself. Also, that upon Count Angelo's complaining about -being kept on his legs so long, Count Luigi retorted with apparent -surprise, "Your legs!--I like your impudence!" - -"Now we are getting at the kernel of the thing," observed the judge, with -grave and earnest satisfaction. "It looks as if the Count Luigi was in -possession of the battery at the time of the assault." - -Nothing further was elicited from Mr. Buckstone on direct examination. -Mr. Wilson took the witness. - -"Mr. Buckstone, about what time was it that that conversation took -place?" - -"Toward nine yesterday evening, sir." - -"Did you then proceed directly to the hall?" - -"Yes, sir." - -"How long did it take you to go there?" - -"Well, we walked; and as it was from the extreme edge of the town, and -there was no hurry, I judge it took us about twenty minutes, maybe a -trifle more." - -"About what hour was the kick delivered?" - -"About thirteen minutes and a half to ten." - -"Admirable! You are a pattern witness, Mr. Buckstone. How did you -happen to look at your watch at that particular moment?" - -"I always do it when I see an assault. It's likely I shall be called as -a witness, and it's a good point to have." - -"It would be well if others were as thoughtful. Was anything said, -between the conversation at my house and the assault, upon the detail -which we are now examining into?" - -"No, sir." - -"If power over the mutual legs was in the possession of one brother at -nine, and passed into the possession of the other one during the next -thirty or forty minutes, do you think you could have detected the -change?" - -"By no means!" - -"That is all, Mr. Buckstone." - -Mrs. Patsy Cooper was called. The crowd made way for her, and she came -smiling and bowing through the narrow human lane, with Betsy Hale, as -escort and support, smiling and bowing in her wake, the audience breaking -into welcoming cheers as the old favorites filed along. The judge did -not check this kindly demonstration of homage and affection, but let it -run its course unrebuked. - -The old ladies stopped and shook hands with the twins with effusion, then -gave the judge a friendly nod, and bustled into the seats provided for -them. They immediately began to deliver a volley of eager questions at -the friends around them: "What is this thing for?" "What is that thing -for?" "Who is that young man that's writing at the desk? Why, I -declare, it's Jack Bunce! I thought he was sick." "Which is the jury? -Why, is that the jury? Billy Price and Job Turner, and Jack Lounsbury, -and--well, I never!" "Now who would ever 'a' thought--" - -But they were gently called to order at this point, and asked not to talk -in court. Their tongues fell silent, but the radiant interest in their -faces remained, and their gratitude for the blessing of a new sensation -and a novel experience still beamed undimmed from their eyes. Aunt Patsy -stood up and took the oath, and Mr. Allen explained the point in issue, -and asked her to go on now, in her own way, and throw as much light upon -it as she could. She toyed with her reticule a moment or two, as if -considering where to begin, then she said: - -"Well, the way of it is this. They are Luigi's legs a week at a time, -and then they are Angelo's, and he can do whatever he wants to with -them." - -"You are making a mistake, Aunt Patsy Cooper," said the judge. "You -shouldn't state that as a fact, because you don't know it to be a fact." - -"What's the reason I don't?" said Aunt Patsy, bridling a little. - -"What is the reason that you do know it?" - -"The best in the world because they told me." - -"That isn't a reason." - -"Well, for the land's sake! Betsy Hale, do you hear that?" - -"Hear it? I should think so," said Aunt Betsy, rising and facing the -court. "Why, Judge, I was there and heard it myself. Luigi says to -Angelo--no, it was Angelo said it to--" - -"Come, come, Mrs. Hale, pray sit down, and--" - -"Certainly, it's all right, I'm going to sit down presently, but not -until I've--" - -"But you must sit down!" - -"Must! Well, upon my word if things ain't getting to a pretty pass -when--" - -The house broke into laughter, but was promptly brought to order, and -meantime Mr. Allen persuaded the old lady to take her seat. Aunt Patsy -continued: - -"Yes, they told me that, and I know it's true. They're Luigi's legs this -week, but--" - -"Ah, they told you that, did they?" said the Justice, with interest. - -"Well, no, I don't know that they told me, but that's neither here nor -there. I know, without that, that at dinner yesterday, Angelo was as -tired as a dog, and yet Luigi wouldn't lend him the legs to go up-stairs -and take a nap with." - -"Did he ask for them?" - -"Let me see--it seems to me, somehow, that--that--Aunt Betsy, do you -remember whether he--" - -"Never mind about what Aunt Betsy remembers--she is not a witness; we -only want to know what you remember yourself," said the judge. - -"Well, it does seem to, me that you are most cantankerously particular -about a little thing, Sim Robinson. Why, when I can't remember a thing -myself, I always--" - - -"Ah, please go on!" - -"Now how can she when you keep fussing at her all the time?" said Aunt -Betsy. "Why, with a person pecking at me that way, I should get that -fuzzled and fuddled that--" - -She was on her feet again, but Allen coaxed her into her seat once more, -while the court squelched the mirth of the house. Then the judge said: - -"Madam, do you know--do you absolutely know, independently of anything -these gentlemen have told you--that the power over their legs passes from -the one to the other regularly every week?" - -"Regularly? Bless your heart, regularly ain't any name for the exactness -of it! All the big cities in Europe used to set the clocks by it." -(Laughter, suppressed by the court.) - -"How do you know? That is the question. Please answer it plainly and -squarely." - -"Don't you talk to me like that, Sim Robinson--I won't have it. How do -I know, indeed! How do you know what you know? Because somebody told -you. You didn't invent it out of your own head, did you? Why, these -twins are the truthfulest people in the world; and I don't think it -becomes you to sit up there and throw slurs at them when they haven't -been doing anything to you. And they are orphans besides--both of them. -All--" - -But Aunt Betsy was up again now, and both old ladies were talking at once -and with all their might; but as the house was weltering in a storm of -laughter, and the judge was hammering his desk with an iron paper-weight, -one could only see them talk, not hear them. At last, when quiet was -restored, the court said: - -"Let the ladies retire." - -"But, your honor, I have the right, in the interest of my clients,--to -cross-exam--" - -"You'll not need to exercise it, Mr. Wilson--the evidence is thrown out." - -"Thrown out!" said Aunt Patsy, ruffled; "and what's it thrown out for, -I'd like to know." - -"And so would I, Patsy Cooper. It seems to me that if we can save these -poor persecuted strangers, it is our bounden duty to stand up here and -talk for them till--" - -"There, there, there, do sit down!" - -It cost some trouble and a good deal of coaxing, but they were got into -their seats at last. The trial was soon ended now. The twins themselves -became witnesses in their own defense. They established the fact, upon -oath, that the leg-power passed from one to the other every Saturday -night at twelve o'clock sharp. But or cross-examination their counsel -would not allow them to tell whose week of power the current week was. -The judge insisted upon their answering, and proposed to compel them, but -even the prosecution took fright and came to the rescue then, and helped -stay the sturdy jurist's revolutionary hand. So the case had to go to -the jury with that important point hanging in the air. They were out an -hour and brought in this verdict: - -"We the jury do find: 1, that an assault was committed, as charged; -2, that it was committed by one of the persons accused, he having been -seen to do it by several credible witnesses; 3, but that his identity is -so merged in his brother's that we have not been able to tell which was -him. We cannot convict both, for only one is guilty. We cannot acquit -both, for only one is innocent. Our verdict is that justice has been -defeated by the dispensation of God, and ask to be discharged from -further duty." - -This was read aloud in court and brought out a burst of hearty applause. -The old ladies made a spring at the twins, to shake and congratulate, but -were gently disengaged by Mr. Wilson and softly crowded back into their -places. - -The judge rose in his little tribune, laid aside his silver-bowed -spectacles, roached his gray hair up with his fingers, and said, with -dignity and solemnity, and even with a certain pathos: - -"In all my experience on the bench, I have not seen justice bow her head -in shame in this court until this day. You little realize what far- -reaching harm has just been wrought here under the fickle forms of law. -Imitation is the bane of courts--I thank God that this one is free from -the contamination of that vice--and in no long time you will see the -fatal work of this hour seized upon by profligate so-called guardians of -justice in all the wide circumstance of this planet and perpetuated in -their pernicious decisions. I wash my hands of this iniquity. I would -have compelled these culprits to expose their guilt, but support failed -me where I had most right to expect aid and encouragement. And I was -confronted by a law made in the interest of crime, which protects the -criminal from testifying against himself. Yet I had precedents of my own -whereby I had set aside that law on two different occasions and thus -succeeded in convicting criminals to whose crimes there were no witnesses -but themselves. What have you accomplished this day? Do you realize it? -You have set adrift, unadmonished, in this community, two men endowed -with an awful and mysterious gift, a hidden and grisly power for evil-- -a power by which each in his turn may commit crime after crime of the -most heinous character, and no man be able to tell which is the guilty or -which the innocent party in any case of them all. Look to your homes -look to your property look to your lives for you have need! - -"Prisoners at the bar, stand up. Through suppression of evidence, a jury -of your--our--countrymen have been obliged to deliver a verdict -concerning your case which stinks to heaven with the rankness of its -injustice. By its terms you, the guilty one, go free with the innocent. -Depart in peace, and come no more! The costs devolve upon the outraged -plaintiff--another iniquity. The court stands dissolved." - -Almost everybody crowded forward to overwhelm the twins and their counsel -with congratulations; but presently the two old aunties dug the -duplicates out and bore them away in triumph through the hurrahing crowd, -while lots of new friends carried Pudd'nhead Wilson off tavernward to -feast him and "wet down" his great and victorious entry into the legal -arena. To Wilson, so long familiar with neglect and depreciation, this -strange new incense of popularity and admiration was as a fragrance blown -from the fields of paradise. A happy man was Wilson. - - - - -CHAPTER VI - -THE AMAZING DUEL - - A deputation came in the evening and conferred upon Wilson the - welcome honor of a nomination for mayor; for the village has just - been converted into a city by charter. Tom skulks out of - challenging the twins. Judge Driscoll thereupon challenges Angelo - (accused by Tom of doing the kicking); he declines, but Luigi - accepts in his place against Angelo's timid protest. - -It was late Saturday night nearing eleven. - -The judge and his second found the rest of the war party at the further -end of the vacant ground, near the haunted house. Pudd'nhead Wilson -advanced to meet them, and said anxiously: - -"I must say a word in behalf of my principal's proxy, Count Luigi, to -whom you have kindly granted the privilege of fighting my principal's -battle for him. It is growing late, and Count Luigi is in great trouble -lest midnight shall strike before the finish." - -"It is another testimony," said Howard, approvingly. "That young man is -fine all through. He wishes to save his brother the sorrow of fighting -on the Sabbath, and he is right; it is the right and manly feeling and -does him credit. We will make all possible haste." - -Wilson said: "There is also another reason--a consideration, in fact, -which deeply concerns Count Luigi himself. These twins have command of -their mutual legs turn about. Count Luigi is in command now; but at -midnight, possession will pass to my principal, Count Angelo, and--well, -you can foresee what will happen. He will march straight off the field, -and carry Luigi with him." - -"Why! sure enough!" cried the judge, "we have heard something about that -extraordinary law of their being, already--nothing very definite, it is -true, as regards dates and durations of power, but I see it is definite -enough as regards to-night. Of course we must give Luigi every chance. -Omit all the ceremonial possible, gentlemen, and place us in position." - -The seconds at once tossed up a coin; Howard won the choice. He placed -the judge sixty feet from the haunted house and facing it; Wilson placed -the twins within fifteen feet of the house and facing the judge-- -necessarily. The pistol-case was opened and the long slim tubes taken -out; when the moonlight glinted from them a shiver went through Angelo. -The doctor was a fool, but a thoroughly well-meaning one, with a kind -heart and a sincere disposition to oblige, but along with it an absence -of tact which often hurt its effectiveness. He brought his box of lint -and bandages, and asked Angelo to feel and see how soft and comfortable -they were. Angelo's head fell over against Luigi's in a faint, and -precious time was lost in bringing him to; which provoked Luigi into -expressing his mind to the doctor with a good deal of vigor and -frankness. After Angelo came to he was still so weak that Luigi was -obliged to drink a stiff horn of brandy to brace him up. - -The seconds now stepped at once to their posts, halfway between the -combatants, one of them on each side of the line of fire. Wilson was to -count, very deliberately, "One-two-three-fire!--stop!" and the duelists -could bang away at any time they chose during that recitation, but not -after the last word. Angelo grew very nervous when he saw Wilson's hand -rising slowly into the air as a sign to make ready, and he leaned his -head against Luigi's and said: - -"Oh, please take me away from here, I can't stay, I know I can't!" - -"What in the world are you doing? Straighten up! What's the matter with -you?--you're in no danger--nobody's going to shoot at you. Straighten -up, I tell you!" - -Angelo obeyed, just in time to hear: - -"One--!" - -"Bang!" Just one report, and a little tuft of white hair floated slowly -to the judge's feet in the moonlight. The judge did not swerve; he still -stood erect and motionless, like a statue, with his pistol-arm hanging -straight down at his side. He was reserving his fire. - -"Two--!" - -"Three--"! - -"Fire--!" - -Up came the pistol-arm instantly-Angelo dodged with the report. He said -"Ouch!" and fainted again. - -The doctor examined and bandaged the wound. - -It was of no consequence, he said--bullet through fleshy part of arm--no -bones broken the gentleman was still able to fight let the duel proceed. - -Next time Angelo jumped just as Luigi fired, which disordered his aim and -caused him to cut a chip off of Howard's ear. The judge took his time -again, and when he fired Angelo jumped and got a knuckle skinned. The -doctor inspected and dressed the wounds. Angelo now spoke out and said -he was content with the satisfaction he had got, and if the judge--but -Luigi shut him roughly up, and asked him not to make an ass of himself; -adding: - -"And I want you to stop dodging. You take a great deal too prominent a -part in this thing for a person who has got nothing to do with it. You -should remember that you are here only by courtesy, and are without -official recognition; officially you are not here at all; officially you -do not even exist. To all intents and purposes you are absent from this -place, and you ought for your own modesty's sake to reflect that it -cannot become a person who is not present here to be taking this sort of -public and indecent prominence in a matter in which he is not in the -slightest degree concerned. Now, don't dodge again; the bullets are not -for you, they are for me; if I want them dodged I will attend to it -myself. I never saw a person act so." - -Angelo saw the reasonableness of what his brother had said, and he did -try to reform, but it was of no use; both pistols went off at the same -instant, and he jumped once more; he got a sharp scrape along his cheek -from the judge's bullet, and so deflected Luigi's aim that his ball went -wide and chipped flake of skin from Pudd'nhead Wilson's chin. The doctor -attended to the wounded. - -By the terms, the duel was over. But Luigi was entirely out of patience, -and begged for one exchange of shots, insisting that he had had no fair -chance, on account of his brother's indelicate behavior. Howard was -opposed to granting so unusual a privilege, but the judge took Luigi's -part, and added that indeed he himself might fairly be considered -entitled to another trial, because although the proxy on the other side -was in no way to blame for his (the judge's) humiliatingly resultless -work, the gentleman with whom he was fighting this duel was to blame for -it, since if he had played no advantages and had held his head still, his -proxy would have been disposed of early. He added: - -"Count Luigi's request for another exchange is another proof that he is a -brave and chivalrous gentleman, and I beg that the courtesy he asks may -be accorded him." - -"I thank you most sincerely for this generosity, Judge Driscoll," said -Luigi, with a polite bow, and moving to his place. Then he added to -Angelo, "Now hold your grip, hold your grip, I tell you, and I'll land -him sure!" - -The men stood erect, their pistol-arms at their sides, the two seconds -stood at their official posts, the doctor stood five paces in Wilson's -rear with his instruments and bandages in his hands. The deep stillness, -the peaceful moonlight, the motionless figures, made an impressive -picture and the impending fatal possibilities augmented this -impressiveness solemnity. Wilson's hand began to rise--slowly--still -higher--still higher--in another moment: - -"Boom!" the first stroke of midnight swung up out of the distance; -Angelo was off like a deer! - -"Oh, you unspeakable traitor!" wailed his brother, as they went soaring -over the fence. - -The others stood astonished and gazing; and so stood, watching that -strange spectacle until distance dissolved it and swept it from their -view. Then they rubbed their eyes like people waking out of a dream, - -"Well, I've never seen anything like that before!" said the judge. -"Wilson, I am going to confess now, that I wasn't quite able to believe -in that leg business, and had a suspicion that it was a put-up -convenience between those twins; and when Count Angelo fainted I thought -I saw the whole scheme--thought it was pretext No. 2, and would be -followed by others till twelve o'clock should arrive, and Luigi would get -off with all the credit of seeming to want to fight and yet not have to -fight, after all. But I was mistaken. His pluck proved it. He's a -brave fellow and did want to fight." - -"There isn't any doubt about that," said Howard, and added, in a grieved -tone, "but what an unworthy sort of Christian that Angelo is--I hope and -believe there are not many like him. It is not right to engage in a duel -on the Sabbath--I could not approve of that myself; but to finish one -that has been begun--that is a duty, let the day be what it may." - -They strolled along, still wondering, still talking. - -"It is a curious circumstance, "remarked the surgeon, halting Wilson a -moment to paste so more court-plaster on his chin, which had gone to -leaking blood again, "that in this duel neither of the parties who -handled the pistols lost blood while nearly all the persons present in -the mere capacity of guests got hit. I have not heard of such a thing -before. Don't you think it unusual?" - -"Yes," said the Judge, "it has struck me as peculiar. Peculiar and -unfortunate. I was annoyed at it, all the time. In the case of Angelo -it made no great difference, because he was in a measure concerned, -though not officially; but it troubled me to see the seconds compromised, -and yet I knew no way to mend the matter. - -"There was no way to mend it," said Howard, whose ear was being -readjusted now by the doctor; "the code fixes our place, and it would not -have been lawful to change it. If we could have stood at your side, or -behind you, or in front of you, it--but it would not have been legitimate -and the other parties would have had a just right to complain of our -trying to protect ourselves from danger; infractions of the code are -certainly not permissible in any case whatever." - -Wilson offered no remarks. It seemed to him that there was very little -place here for so much solemnity, but he judged that if a duel where -nobody was in danger or got crippled but the seconds and the outsiders -had nothing ridiculous about it for these gentlemen, his pointing out -that feature would probably not help them to see it. - -He invited them in to take a nightcap, and Howard and the judge accepted, -but the doctor said he would have to go and see how Angelo's principal -wound was getting on. - - [It was now Sunday, and in the afternoon Angelo was to be received - into the Baptist communion by immersion--a doubtful prospect, the - doctor feared.] - - - - -CHAPTER VII - -LUIGI DEFIES GALEN - -When the doctor arrived at Aunt Patsy Cooper's house, he found the lights -going and everybody up and dressed and in a great state of solicitude and -excitement. The twins were stretched on a sofa in the sitting-room, Aunt -Patsy was fussing at Angelo's arm, Nancy was flying around under her -commands, the two young boys were trying to keep out of the way and -always getting in it, in order to see and wonder, Rowena stood apart, -helpless with apprehension and emotion, and Luigi was growling in -unappeasable fury over Angelo's shameful flight. - -As has been reported before, the doctor was a fool--a kind-hearted and -well-meaning one, but with no tact; and as he was by long odds the most -learned physician in the town, and was quite well aware of it, and could -talk his learning with ease and precision, and liked to show off when he -had an audience, he was sometimes tempted into revealing more of a case -than was good for the patient. - -He examined Angelo's wound, and was really minded to say nothing for -once; but Aunt Patsy was so anxious and so pressing that he allowed his -caution to be overcome, and proceeded to empty himself as follows, with -scientific relish: - -"Without going too much into detail, madam--for you would probably not -understand it, anyway--I concede that great care is going to be necessary -here; otherwise exudation of the esophagus is nearly sure to ensue, and -this will be followed by ossification and extradition of the maxillaris -superioris, which must decompose the granular surfaces of the great -infusorial ganglionic system, thus obstructing the action of the -posterior varioloid arteries, and precipitating compound strangulated -sorosis of the valvular tissues, and ending unavoidably in the dispersion -and combustion of the marsupial fluxes and the consequent embrocation of -the bicuspid populo redax referendum rotulorum." - -A miserable silence followed. Aunt Patsy's heart sank, the pallor of -despair invaded her face, she was not able to speak; poor Rowena wrung -her hands in privacy and silence, and said to herself in the bitterness -of her young grief, "There is no hope--it is plain there is no hope"; the -good-hearted negro wench, Nancy, paled to chocolate, then to orange, then -to amber, and thought to herself with yearning sympathy and sorrow, "Po' -thing, he ain' gwyne to las' throo de half o' dat"; small Henry choked -up, and turned his head away to hide his rising tears, and his brother -Joe said to himself, with a sense of loss, "The baptizing's busted, -that's sure." Luigi was the only person who had any heart to speak. He -said, a little bit sharply, to the doctor: - -"Well, well, there's nothing to be gained by wasting precious time; give -him a barrel of pills--I'll take them for him." - -"You?" asked the doctor. - -"Yes. Did you suppose he was going to take them himself?" - -"Why, of course." - -"Well, it's a mistake. He never took a dose of medicine in his life. He -can't." - -"Well, upon my word, it's the most extraordinary thing I ever heard of!" - -"Oh," said Aunt Patsy, as pleased as a mother whose child is being -admired and wondered at; "you'll find that there's more about them that's -wonderful than their just being made in the image of God like the rest of -His creatures, now you can depend on that, I tell you," and she wagged -her complacent head like one who could reveal marvelous things if she -chose. - -The boy Joe began: - -"Why, ma, they ain't made in the im--" - -"You shut up, and wait till you're asked, Joe. I'll let you know when I -want help. Are you looking for something, doctor?" - -The doctor asked for a few sheets of paper and a pen, and said he would -write a prescription; which he did. It was one of Galen's; in fact, it -was Galen's favorite, and had been slaying people for sixteen thousand -years. Galen used it for everything, applied it to everything, said it -would remove everything, from warts all the way through to lungs and it -generally did. Galen was still the only medical authority recognized in -Missouri; his practice was the only practice known to the Missouri -doctors, and his prescriptions were the only ammunition they carried when -they went out for game. - -By and by Dr. Claypool laid down his pen and read the result of his -labors aloud, carefully and deliberately, for this battery must be -constructed on the premises by the family, and mistakes could occur; -for he wrote a doctor's hand the hand which from the beginning of time -has been so disastrous to the apothecary and so profitable to the -undertaker: - -"Take of afarabocca, henbane, corpobalsamum, each two drams and a half: -of cloves, opium, myrrh, cyperus, each two drams; of opobalsamum, Indian -leaf, cinnamon, zedoary, ginger, coftus, coral, cassia, euphorbium, gum -tragacanth, frankincense, styrax calamita, Celtic, nard, spignel, -hartwort, mustard, saxifrage, dill, anise, each one dram; of xylaloes, -rheum ponticum, alipta, moschata, castor, spikenard, galangals, opoponax, -anacardium, mastich, brimstone, peony, eringo, pulp of dates, red and -white hermodactyls, roses, thyme, acorns, pennyroyal, gentian, the bark -of the root of mandrake, germander, valerian, bishop's-weed, bayberries, -long and white pepper, xylobalsamum, carnabadium, macedonian, parsley -seeds, lovage, the seeds of rue, and sinon, of each a dram and a half; of -pure gold, pure silver, pearls not perforated, the blatta byzantina, the -bone of the stag's heart, of each the quantity of fourteen grains of -wheat; of sapphire, emerald and jasper stones, each one dram; of hazel- -nuts, two drams; of pellitory of Spain, shavings of ivory, calamus -odoratus, each the quantity of twenty-nine grains of wheat; of honey or -sugar a sufficient quantity. Boil down and skim off." - -"There," he said, "that will fix the patient; give his brother a -dipperful every three-quarters of an hour--" - -"--while he survives," muttered Luigi-- - -"--and see that the room is kept wholesomely hot, and the doors and -windows closed tight. Keep Count Angelo nicely covered up with six or -seven blankets, and when he is thirsty--which will be frequently--moisten -a 'rag in the vapor of the tea kettle and let his brother suck it. When -he is hungry--which will also be frequently he must not be humored -oftener than every seven or eight hours; then toast part of a cracker -until it begins to brown, and give it to his brother." - -"That is all very well, as far as Angelo is concerned," said Luigi, "but -what am I to eat?" - -"I do not see that there is anything the matter with you," the doctor -answered, "you may, of course, eat what you please." - -"And also drink what I please, I suppose?" - -"Oh, certainly--at present. When the violent and continuous perspiring -has reduced your strength, I shall have to reduce your diet, of course, -and also bleed you, but there is no occasion for that yet awhile." He -turned to Aunt Patsy and said: "He must be put to bed, and sat up with, -and tended with the greatest care, and not allowed to stir for several -days and nights." - -"For one, I'm sacredly thankful for that," said Luigi, "it postpones the -funeral--I'm not to be drowned to-day, anyhow." - -Angelo said quietly to the doctor: - -"I will cheerfully submit to all your requirements, sir, up to two -o'clock this afternoon, and will resume them after three, but cannot be -confined to the house during that intermediate hour." - -"Why, may I ask?" - -"Because I have entered the Baptist communion, and by appointment am to -be baptised in the river at that hour." - -"Oh, insanity!--it cannot be allowed!" - -Angelo answered with placid firmness: - -"Nothing shall prevent it, if I am alive." - -"Why, consider, my dear sir, in your condition it might prove fatal." - -A tender and ecstatic smile beamed from Angelo's eyes, and he broke forth -in a tone of joyous fervency: - -"Ah, how blessed it would be to die for such a cause--it would be -martyrdom!" - -"But your brother--consider your brother; you would be risking his life, -too." - -"He risked mine an hour ago," responded Angelo, gloomily; "did he -consider me?" A thought swept through his mind that made him shudder. -"If I had not run, I might have been killed in a duel on the Sabbath day, -and my soul would have been lost--lost." - -"Oh, don't fret, it wasn't in any danger," said Luigi, irritably; "they -wouldn't waste it for a little thing like that; there's a glass case all -ready for it in the heavenly museum, and a pin to stick it up with." - -Aunt Patsy was shocked, and said: - -"Looy, Looy!--don't talk so, dear!" - -Rowena's soft heart was pierced by Luigi's unfeeling words, and she -murmured to herself, "Oh, if I but had the dear privilege of protecting -and defending him with my weak voice!--but alas! this sweet boon is -denied me by the cruel conventions of social intercourse." - -"Get their bed ready," said Aunt Patsy to Nancy, "and shut up the windows -and doors, and light their candles, and see that you drive all the -mosquitoes out of their bar, and make up a good fire in their stove, and -carry up some bags of hot ashes to lay to his feet--" - -"--and a shovel of fire for his head, and a mustard plaster for his neck, -and some gum shoes for his ears," Luigi interrupted, with temper; and -added, to himself, "Damnation, I'm going to be roasted alive, I just know -it!" - -"Why, Looy! Do be quiet; I never saw such a fractious thing. A body -would think you didn't care for your brother." - -"I don't--to that extent, Aunt Patsy. I was glad the drowning was -postponed a minute ago, but I'm not now. No, that is all gone by; I want -to be drowned." - -"You'll bring a judgment on yourself just as sure as you live, if you go -on like that. Why, I never heard the beat of it. Now, there--there! -you've said enough. Not another word out of you--I won't have it!" - -"But, Aunt Patsy--" - -"Luigi! Didn't you hear what I told you?" - -"But, Aunt Patsy, I--why, I'm not going to set my heart and lungs afloat -in that pail of sewage which this criminal here has been prescri--" - -"Yes, you are, too. You are going to be good, and do everything I tell -you, like a dear," and she tapped his cheek affectionately with her -finger. "Rowena, take the prescription and go in the kitchen and hunt up -the things and lay them out for me. I'll sit up with my patient the rest -of the night, doctor; I can't trust Nancy, she couldn't make Luigi take -the medicine. Of course, you'll drop in again during the day. Have you -got any more directions?" - -"No, I believe not, Aunt Patsy. If I don't get in earlier, I'll be along -by early candle-light, anyway. Meantime, don't allow him to get out of -his bed." - -Angelo said, with calm determination: - -"I shall be baptized at two o'clock. Nothing but death shall prevent -me." - -The doctor said nothing aloud, but to himself he said: - -"Why, this chap's got a manly side, after all! Physically he's a coward, -but morally he's a lion. I'll go and tell the others about this; it will -raise him a good deal in their estimation--and the public will follow -their lead, of course." - -Privately, Aunt Patsy applauded too, and was proud of Angelo's courage in -the moral field as she was of Luigi's in the field of honor. - -The boy Henry was troubled, but the boy Joe said, inaudibly, and -gratefully, "We're all honky, after all; and no postponement on account -of the weather." - - - - -CHAPTER VIII - -BAPTISM OF THE BETTER HALF - -By nine o'clock the town was humming with the news of the midnight duel, -and there were but two opinions about it: one, that Luigi's pluck in the -field was most praiseworthy and Angela's flight most scandalous; the -other, that Angelo's courage in flying the field for conscience' sake was -as fine and creditable as was Luigi's in holding the field in the face of -the bullets. The one opinion was held by half of the town, the other one -was maintained by the other half. The division was clean and exact, and -it made two parties, an Angela party and a Luigi party. The twins had -suddenly become popular idols along with Pudd'nhead Wilson, and haloed -with a glory as intense as his. The children talked the duel all the way -to Sunday-school, their elders talked it all the way to church, the choir -discussed it behind their red curtain, it usurped the place of pious -thought in the "nigger gallery." - -By noon the doctor had added the news, and spread it, that Count Angelo, -in spite of his wound and all warnings and supplications, was resolute in -his determination to be baptized at the hour appointed. This swept the -town like wildfire, and mightily reinforced the enthusiasm of the Angelo -faction, who said, "If any doubted that it was moral courage that took -him from the field, what have they to say now!" - -Still the excitement grew. All the morning it was traveling countryward, -toward all points of the compass; so, whereas before only the farmers and -their wives were intending to come and witness the remarkable baptism, -a general holiday was now proclaimed and the children and negroes -admitted to the privileges of the occasion. All the farms for ten miles -around were vacated, all the converging roads emptied long processions of -wagons, horses, and yeomanry into the town. The pack and cram of people -vastly exceeded any that had ever been seen in that sleepy region before. -The only thing that had ever even approached it, was the time long gone -by, but never forgotten, nor even referred to without wonder and pride, -when two circuses and a Fourth of July fell together. But the glory of -that occasion was extinguished now for good. It was but a freshet to -this deluge. - -The great invasion massed itself on the river-bank and waited hungrily -for the immense event. Waited, and wondered if it would really happen, -or if the twin who was not a "professor" would stand out and prevent it. - -But they were not to be disappointed. Angela was as good as his word. -He came attended by an escort of honor composed of several hundred of the -best citizens, all of the Angelo party; and when the immersion was -finished they escorted him back home and would even have carried him on -their shoulders, but that people might think they were carrying Luigi. - -Far into the night the citizens continued to discuss and wonder over the -strangely mated pair of incidents that had distinguished and exalted the -past twenty-four hours above any other twenty-four in the history of -their town for picturesqueness and splendid interest; and long before the -lights were out and burghers asleep it had been decided on all hands that -in capturing these twins Dawson's Landing had drawn a prize in the great -lottery of municipal fortune. - -At midnight Angelo was sleeping peacefully. His immersion had not harmed -him, it had merely made him wholesomely drowsy, and he had been dead -asleep many hours now. It had made Luigi drowsy, too, but he had got -only brief naps, on account of his having to take the medicine every -three-quarters of an hour-and Aunt Betsy Hale was there to see that he -did it. When he complained and resisted, she was quietly firm with him, -and said in a low voice: - -"No-no, that won't do; you mustn't talk, and you mustn't retch and gag -that way, either--you'll wake up your poor brother." - -"Well, what of it, Aunt Betsy, he--" - -"'Sh-h! Don't make a noise, dear. You mustn't: forget that your poor -brother is sick and--" - -"Sick, is he? Well, I wish I--" - -"'Sh-h-h! Will you be quiet, Luigi! Here, now, take the rest of it-- -don't keep me holding the dipper all night. I declare if you haven't -left a good fourth of it in the bottom! Come-that's a good-- - -"Aunt Betsy, don't make me! I feel like I've swallowed a cemetery; I do, -indeed. Do let me rest a little--just a little; I can't take any more of -the devilish stuff now." - -"Luigi! Using such language here, and him just baptized! Do you want -the roof to fall on you?" - -"I wish to goodness it would!" - -"Why, you dreadful thing! I've a good notion to--let that blanket alone; -do you want your, brother to catch his death?" - -"Aunt Betsy, I've got to have it off, I'm being roasted alive; nobody -could stand it--you couldn't yourself." - -"Now, then, you're sneezing again--I just expected it." - -"Because I've caught a cold in my head. I always do, when I go in the -water with my clothes on. And it takes me weeks to get over it, too. -I think it was a shame to serve me so." - -"Luigi, you are unreasonable; you know very well they couldn't baptize -him dry. I should think you would be willing to undergo a little -inconvenience for your brother's sake." - -"Inconvenience! Now how you talk, Aunt Betsy. I came as near as -anything to getting drowned you saw that yourself; and do you call this -inconvenience?--the room shut up as tight as a drum, and so hot the -mosquitoes are trying to get out; and a cold in the head, and dying for -sleep and no chance to get any--on account of this infamous medicine that -that assassin prescri--" - -"There, you're sneezing again. I'm going down and mix some more of this -truck for you, dear." - - - - -CHAPTER IX - -THE DRINKLESS DRUNK - -During Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday the twins grew steadily worse; but -then the doctor was summoned South to attend his mother's funeral, and -they got well in forty-eight hours. They appeared on the street on -Friday, and were welcomed with enthusiasm by the new-born parties, the -Luigi and Angelo factions. The Luigi faction carried its strength into -the Democratic party, the Angelo faction entered into a combination with -the Whigs. The Democrats nominated Luigi for alderman under the new city -government, and the Whigs put up Angelo against him. The Democrats -nominated Pudd'nhead Wilson for mayor, and he was left alone in this -glory, for the Whigs had no man who was willing to enter the lists -against such a formidable opponent. No politician had scored such a -compliment as this before in the history of the Mississippi Valley. - -The political campaign in Dawson's Landing opened in a pretty warm -fashion, and waned hotter every week. Luigi's whole heart was in it, -and even Angelo developed a surprising amount of interest-which was -natural, because he was not merely representing Whigism, a matter of no -consequence to him; but he was representing something immensely finer and -greater--to wit, Reform. In him was centered the hopes of the whole -reform element of the town; he was the chosen and admired champion of -every clique that had a pet reform of any sort or kind at heart. He was -president of the great Teetotalers' Union, its chiefest prophet and -mouthpiece. - -But as the canvass went on, troubles began to spring up all around-- -troubles for the twins, and through them for all the parties and segments -and factions of parties. Whenever Luigi had possession of the legs, he -carried Angelo to balls, rum shops, Sons of Liberty parades, horse- -races, campaign riots, and everywhere else that could damage him with his -party and the church; and when it was Angelo's week he carried Luigi -diligently to all manner of moral and religious gatherings, doing his -best to regain the ground he had lost before. As a result of these -double performances, there was a storm blowing all the time, an ever- -rising storm, too--a storm of frantic criticism of the twins, and rage -over their extravagant, incomprehensible conduct. - -Luigi had the final chance. The legs were his for the closing week of -the canvass. He led his brother a fearful dance. - -But he saved his best card for the very eve of the election. There was -to be a grand turnout of the Teetotalers' Union that day, and Angelo was -to march at the head of the procession and deliver a great oration -afterward. Luigi drank a couple of glasses of whisky--which steadied his -nerves and clarified his mind, but made Angelo drunk. Everybody who saw -the march, saw that the Champion of the Teetotalers was half seas over, -and noted also that his brother, who made no hypocritical pretensions to -extra temperance virtues, was dignified and sober. This eloquent fact -could not be unfruitful at the end of a hot political canvass. At the -mass-meeting Angelo tried to make his great temperance oration, but was -so discommoded--by hiccoughs and thickness of tongue that he had to give -it up; then drowsiness overtook him and his head drooped against Luigi's -and he went to sleep. Luigi apologized for him, and was going on to -improve his opportunity with an appeal for a moderation of what he called -"the prevailing teetotal madness," but persons in the audience began to -howl and throw things at him, and then the meeting rose in wrath and -chased him home. - -This episode was a crusher for Angelo in another way. It destroyed his -chances with Rowena. Those chances had been growing, right along, for -two months. Rowena had partly confessed that she loved him, but wanted -time to consider. Now the tender dream was ended, and she told him so -the moment he was sober enough to understand. She said she would never -marry a man who drank. - -"But I don't drink," he pleaded. - -"That is nothing to the point," she said, coldly, "you get drunk, and -that is worse." - -[There was a long and sufficiently idiotic discussion here, which ended -as reported in a previous note.] - - - - -CHAPTER X - -SO THEY HANGED LUIGI - -Dawson's Landing had a week of repose, after the election, and it needed -it, for the frantic and variegated nightmare which had tormented it all -through the preceding week had left it limp, haggard, and exhausted at -the end. It got the week of repose because Angelo had the legs, and was -in too subdued a condition to want to go out and mingle with an irritated -community that had come to disgust and detest him because there was such -a lack of harmony between his morals, which were confessedly excellent, -and his methods of illustrating them, which were distinctly damnable. -The new city officers were sworn in on the following Monday--at least all -but Luigi. There was a complication in his case. His election was -conceded, but he could not sit in the board of aldermen without his -brother, and his brother could not sit there because he was not a member. -There seemed to be no way out of the difficulty but to carry the matter -into the courts, so this was resolved upon. - -The case was set for the Monday fortnight. In due course the time -arrived. In the mean time the city government had been at a standstill, -because with out Luigi there was a tie in the board of aldermen, whereas -with him the liquor interest--the richest in the political field--would -have one majority. But the court decided that Angelo could not sit in -the board with him, either in public or executive sessions, and at the -same time forbade the board to deny admission to Luigi, a fairly and -legally chosen alderman. The case was carried up and up from court to -court, yet still the same old original decision was confirmed every time. -As a result, the city government not only stood still, with its hands -tied, but everything it was created to protect and care for went a steady -gait toward rack and ruin. There was no way to levy a tax, so the minor -officials had to resign or starve; therefore they resigned. There being -no city money, the enormous legal expenses on both sides had to be -defrayed by private subscription. But at last the people came to their -senses, and said: - -"Pudd'nhead was right at the start--we ought to have hired the official -half of that human phillipene to resign; but it's too late now; some of -us haven't got anything left to hire him with." - -"Yes, we have," said another citizen, "we've got this"--and he produced a -halter. - -Many shouted: "That's the ticket." But others said: "No--Count Angelo is -innocent; we mustn't hang him." - -"Who said anything about hanging him? We are only going to hang the -other one." - -"Then that is all right--there is no objection to that." - -So they hanged Luigi. And so ends the history of "Those Extraordinary -Twins." - - - - -FINAL REMARKS - -As you see, it was an extravagant sort of a tale, and had no purpose but -to exhibit that monstrous "freak" in all sorts of grotesque lights. But -when Roxy wandered into the tale she had to be furnished with something -to do; so she changed the children in the cradle; this necessitated the -invention of a reason for it; this, in turn, resulted in making the -children prominent personages--nothing could prevent it of course. Their -career began to take a tragic aspect, and some one had to be brought in -to help work the machinery; so Pudd'nhead Wilson was introduced and taken -on trial. By this time the whole show was being run by the new people -and in their interest, and the original show was become side-tracked and -forgotten; the twin-monster, and the heroine, and the lads, and the old -ladies had dwindled to inconsequentialities and were merely in the way. -Their story was one story, the new people's story was another story, and -there was no connection between them, no interdependence, no kinship. -It is not practicable or rational to try to tell two stories at the same -time; so I dug out the farce and left the tragedy. - -The reader already knew how the expert works; he knows now how the other -kind do it. - -MARK TWAIN. - - - - -End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of Those Extraordinary Twins -by Mark Twain - diff --git a/old/mtext11.zip b/old/mtext11.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index e3ec46b..0000000 --- a/old/mtext11.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/old-2025-02-20/3185-0.txt b/old/old-2025-02-20/3185-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index b68be15..0000000 --- a/old/old-2025-02-20/3185-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2985 +0,0 @@ - -Project Gutenberg's Those Extraordinary Twins, by Mark Twain (Samuel -Clemens) - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost -no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use -it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this -eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Those Extraordinary Twins - -Author: Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) - - -Release Date: April, 2002 [Etext #3185] -Last Updated: February 24, 2018 - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THOSE EXTRAORDINARY TWINS *** - - - -Produced by David Widger - - - - - - - -THOSE EXTRAORDINARY TWINS - - -by Mark Twain - - - - -Contents - - CHAPTER I. THE TWINS AS THEY REALLY WERE - CHAPTER II. MA COOPER GETS ALL MIXED UP - CHAPTER III. ANGELO IS BLUE - CHAPTER IV. SUPERNATURAL CHRONOMETRY - CHAPTER V. GUILT AND INNOCENCE FINELY BLENT - CHAPTER VI. THE AMAZING DUEL - CHAPTER VII. LUIGI DEFIES GALEN - CHAPTER VIII. BAPTISM OF THE BETTER HALF - CHAPTER IX. THE DRINKLESS DRUNK - CHAPTER X. SO THEY HANGED LUIGI - FINAL REMARKS. - - - - -A man who is not born with the novel-writing gift has a troublesome time -of it when he tries to build a novel. I know this from experience. He -has no clear idea of his story; in fact he has no story. He merely has -some people in his mind, and an incident or two, also a locality. He -knows these people, he knows the selected locality, and he trusts -that he can plunge those people into those incidents with interesting -results. So he goes to work. To write a novel? No--that is a thought -which comes later; in the beginning he is only proposing to tell a -little tale; a very little tale; a six-page tale. But as it is a tale -which he is not acquainted with, and can only find out what it is by -listening as it goes along telling itself, it is more than apt to go -on and on and on till it spreads itself into a book. I know about this, -because it has happened to me so many times. - -And I have noticed another thing: that as the short tale grows into a -long tale, the original intention (or motif) is apt to get abolished and -find itself superseded by a quite different one. It was so in the -case of a magazine sketch which I once started to write--a funny and -fantastic sketch about a prince and a pauper; it presently assumed a -grave cast of its own accord, and in that new shape spread itself out -into a book. Much the same thing happened with “Pudd'nhead Wilson.” I -had a sufficiently hard time with that tale, because it changed itself -from a farce to a tragedy while I was going along with it--a most -embarrassing circumstance. But what was a great deal worse was, that it -was not one story, but two stories tangled together; and they obstructed -and interrupted each other at every turn and created no end of confusion -and annoyance. I could not offer the book for publication, for I was -afraid it would unseat the reader's reason. I did not know what was the -matter with it, for I had not noticed, as yet, that it was two stories -in one. It took me months to make that discovery. I carried the -manuscript back and forth across the Atlantic two or three times, and -read it and studied over it on shipboard; and at last I saw where the -difficulty lay. I had no further trouble. I pulled one of the stories -out by the roots, and left the other one--a kind of literary Caesarean -operation. - -Would the reader care to know something about the story which I pulled -out? He has been told many a time how the born-and-trained novelist -works. Won't he let me round and complete his knowledge by telling him -how the jack-leg does it? - -Originally the story was called “Those Extraordinary Twins.” I meant to -make it very short. I had seen a picture of a youthful Italian “freak” - or “freaks” which was--or which were--on exhibition in our cities--a -combination consisting of two heads and four arms joined to a single -body and a single pair of legs--and I thought I would write an -extravagantly fantastic little story with this freak of nature for -hero--or heroes--a silly young miss for heroine, and two old ladies and -two boys for the minor parts. I lavishly elaborated these people -and their doings, of course. But the tale kept spreading along, and -spreading along, and other people got to intruding themselves and taking -up more and more room with their talk and their affairs. Among them -came a stranger named Pudd'nhead Wilson, and a woman named Roxana; and -presently the doings of these two pushed up into prominence a young -fellow named Tom Driscoll, whose proper place was away in the obscure -background. Before the book was half finished those three were taking -things almost entirely into their own hands and working the whole tale -as a private venture of their own--a tale which they had nothing at all -to do with, by rights. - -When the book was finished and I came to look around to see what had -become of the team I had originally started out with--Aunt Patsy Cooper, -Aunt Betsy Hale, the two boys, and Rowena the light-weight heroine--they -were nowhere to be seen; they had disappeared from the story some time -or other. I hunted about and found them--found them stranded, idle, -forgotten, and permanently useless. It was very awkward. It was awkward -all around; but more particularly in the case of Rowena, because there -was a love-match on, between her and one of the twins that constituted -the freak, and I had worked it up to a blistering heat and thrown in -a quite dramatic love-quarrel, wherein Rowena scathingly denounced her -betrothed for getting drunk, and scoffed at his explanation of how it -had happened, and wouldn't listen to it, and had driven him from her in -the usual “forever” way; and now here she sat crying and broken-hearted; -for she had found that he had spoken only the truth; that it was not he, -but the other half of the freak, that had drunk the liquor that made him -drunk; that her half was a prohibitionist and had never drunk a drop -in his life, and, although tight as a brick three days in the week, was -wholly innocent of blame; and indeed, when sober, was constantly doing -all he could to reform his brother, the other half, who never got any -satisfaction out of drinking, anyway, because liquor never affected him. -Yes, here she was, stranded with that deep injustice of hers torturing -her poor torn heart. - -I didn't know what to do with her. I was as sorry for her as anybody -could be, but the campaign was over, the book was finished, she was -sidetracked, and there was no possible way of crowding her in, anywhere. -I could not leave her there, of course; it would not do. After spreading -her out so, and making such a to-do over her affairs, it would be -absolutely necessary to account to the reader for her. I thought and -thought and studied and studied; but I arrived at nothing. I finally saw -plainly that there was really no way but one--I must simply give her the -grand bounce. It grieved me to do it, for after associating with her so -much I had come to kind of like her after a fashion, notwithstanding -she was such an ass and said such stupid irritating things and was so -nauseatingly sentimental. Still it had to be done. So, at the top of -Chapter XVII, I put in a “Calendar” remark concerning July the Fourth, -and began the chapter with this statistic: - -“Rowena went out in the back yard after supper to see the fireworks and -fell down the well and got drowned.” - -It seemed abrupt, but I thought maybe the reader wouldn't notice it, -because I changed the subject right away to something else. Anyway it -loosened up Rowena from where she was stuck and got her out of the way, -and that was the main thing. It seemed a prompt good way of weeding -out people that had got stalled, and a plenty good enough way for those -others; so I hunted up the two boys and said “they went out back one -night to stone the cat and fell down the well and got drowned.” Next -I searched around and found old Aunt Patsy Cooper and Aunt Betsy Hale -where they were aground, and said “they went out back one night to visit -the sick and fell down the well and got drowned.” I was going to drown -some of the others, but I gave up the idea, partly because I believed -that if I kept that up it would arouse attention, and perhaps sympathy -with those people, and partly because it was not a large well and would -not hold any more anyway. - -Still the story was unsatisfactory. Here was a set of new characters who -were become inordinately prominent and who persisted in remaining so to -the end; and back yonder was an older set who made a large noise and a -great to-do for a little while and then suddenly played out utterly and -fell down the well. There was a radical defect somewhere, and I must -search it out and cure it. - -The defect turned out to be the one already spoken of--two stories -in one, a farce and a tragedy. So I pulled out the farce and left the -tragedy. This left the original team in, but only as mere names, not as -characters. Their prominence was wholly gone; they were not even worth -drowning; so I removed that detail. Also I took those twins apart and -made two separate men of them. They had no occasion to have foreign -names now, but it was too much trouble to remove them all through, so I -left them christened as they were and made no explanation. - - - - -CHAPTER I. THE TWINS AS THEY REALLY WERE - -The conglomerate twins were brought on the stage in Chapter I of the -original extravaganza. Aunt Patsy Cooper has received their letter -applying for board and lodging, and Rowena, her daughter, insane with -joy, is begging for a hearing of it: - -“Well, set down then, and be quiet a minute and don't fly around so; it -fairly makes me tired to see you. It starts off so: 'HONORED MADAM'--” - -“I like that, ma, don't you? It shows they're high-bred.” - -“Yes, I noticed that when I first read it. 'My brother and I have seen -your advertisement, by chance, in a copy of your local journal' - -“It's so beautiful and smooth, ma-don't you think so?” - -“Yes, seems so to me--'and beg leave to take the room you offer. We are -twenty-four years of age, and twins--'” - -“Twins! How sweet! I do hope they are handsome, and I just know they -are! Don't you hope they are, ma?” - -“Land, I ain't particular. 'We are Italians by birth--'” - -“It's so romantic! Just think there's never been one in this town, and -everybody will want to see them, and they're all ours! Think of that!” - -“--'but have lived long in the various countries of Europe, and several -years in the United States.'” - -“Oh, just think what wonders they've seen, ma! Won't it be good to hear -them talk?” - -“I reckon so; yes, I reckon so. 'Our names are Luigi and Angelo -Capello--'” - -“Beautiful, perfectly beautiful! Not like Jones and Robinson and those -horrible names.” - -“'You desire but one guest, but dear madam, if you will allow us to pay -for two we will not discommode you. We will sleep together in the same -bed. We have always been used to this, and prefer it.' And then he goes -on to say they will be down Thursday.” - -“And this is Tuesday--I don't know how I'm ever going to wait, ma! The -time does drag along so, and I'm so dying to see them! Which of them do -you reckon is the tallest, ma?” - -“How do you s'pose I can tell, child? Mostly they are the same -size-twins are.” - -“'Well then, which do you reckon is the best looking?” - -“Goodness knows--I don't.” - -“I think Angelo is; it's the prettiest name, anyway. Don't you think -it's a sweet name, ma?” - -“Yes, it's well enough. I'd like both of them better if I knew the way -to pronounce them--the Eyetalian way, I mean. The Missouri way and the -Eyetalian way is different, I judge.” - -“Maybe--yes. It's Luigi that writes the letter. What do you reckon is -the reason Angelo didn't write it?” - -“Why, how can I tell? What's the difference who writes it, so long as -it's done?” - -“Oh, I hope it wasn't because he is sick! You don't think he is sick, do -you, ma?” - -“Sick your granny; what's to make him sick?” - -“Oh, there's never any telling. These foreigners with that kind of names -are so delicate, and of course that kind of names are not suited to our -climate--you wouldn't expect it.” - -[And so-on and so-on, no end. The time drags along; Thursday comes: the -boat arrives in a pouring storm toward midnight.] - -At last there was a knock at the door and the anxious family jumped to -open it. Two negro men entered, each carrying a trunk, and proceeded -upstairs toward the guest-room. Then followed a stupefying apparition--a -double-headed human creature with four arms, one body, and a single -pair of legs! It--or they, as you please--bowed with elaborate foreign -formality, but the Coopers could not respond immediately; they were -paralyzed. At this moment there came from the rear of the group a -fervent ejaculation--“My lan'!”--followed by a crash of crockery, -and the slave-wench Nancy stood petrified and staring, with a tray -of wrecked tea-things at her feet. The incident broke the spell, -and brought the family to consciousness. The beautiful heads of the -new-comer bowed again, and one of them said with easy grace and dignity: - -“I crave the honor, madam and miss, to introduce to you my brother, -Count Luigi Capello,” (the other head bowed) “and myself--Count Angelo; -and at the same time offer sincere apologies for the lateness of our -coming, which was unavoidable,” and both heads bowed again. - -The poor old lady was in a whirl of amazement and confusion, but she -managed to stammer out: - -“I'm sure I'm glad to make your acquaintance, sir--I mean, gentlemen. -As for the delay, it is nothing, don't mention it. This is my daughter -Rowena, sir--gentlemen. Please step into the parlor and sit down -and have a bite and sup; you are dreadful wet and must be -uncomfortable--both of you, I mean.” - -But to the old lady's relief they courteously excused themselves, saying -it would be wrong to keep the family out of their beds longer; then each -head bowed in turn and uttered a friendly good night, and the singular -figure moved away in the wake of Rowena's small brothers, who bore -candles, and disappeared up the stairs. - -The widow tottered into the parlor and sank into a chair with a gasp, -and Rowena followed, tongue-tied and dazed. The two sat silent in the -throbbing summer heat unconscious of the million-voiced music of the -mosquitoes, unconscious of the roaring gale, the lashing and thrashing -of the rain along the windows and the roof, the white glare of the -lightning, the tumultuous booming and bellowing of the thunder; -conscious of nothing but that prodigy, that uncanny apparition that -had come and gone so suddenly--that weird strange thing that was so -soft-spoken and so gentle of manner and yet had shaken them up like an -earthquake with the shock of its gruesome aspect. At last a cold little -shudder quivered along down the widow's meager frame and she said in a -weak voice: - -“Ugh, it was awful just the mere look of that phillipene!” - -Rowena did not answer. Her faculties were still caked; she had not yet -found her voice. Presently the widow said, a little resentfully: - -“Always been used to sleeping together--in-fact, prefer it. And I was -thinking it was to accommodate me. I thought it was very good of them, -whereas a person situated as that young man is--” - -“Ma, you oughtn't to begin by getting up a prejudice against him. I'm -sure he is good-hearted and means well. Both of his faces show it.” - -“I'm not so certain about that. The one on the left--I mean the one on -it's left--hasn't near as good a face, in my opinion, as its brother.” - -“That's Luigi.” - -“Yes, Luigi; anyway it's the dark-skinned one; the one that was west of -his brother when they stood in the door. Up to all kinds of mischief -and disobedience when he was a boy, I'll be bound. I lay his mother had -trouble to lay her hand on him when she wanted him. But the one on the -right is as good as gold, I can see that.” - -“That's Angelo.” - -“Yes, Angelo, I reckon, though I can't tell t'other from which by their -names, yet awhile. But it's the right-hand one--the blond one. He has -such kind blue eyes, and curly copper hair and fresh complexion--” - -“And such a noble face!--oh, it is a noble face, ma, just royal, you may -say! And beautiful deary me, how beautiful! But both are that; the dark -one's as beautiful as--a picture. There's no such wonderful faces -and handsome heads in this town none that even begin. And such hands, -especially Angelo's--so shapely and--” - -“Stuff, how could you tell which they belonged to?--they had gloves on.” - -“Why, didn't I see them take off their hats?” - -“That don't signify. They might have taken off each other's hats. Nobody -could tell. There was just a wormy squirming of arms in the air--seemed -to be a couple of dozen of them, all writhing at once, and it just made -me dizzy to see them go.” - -“Why, ma, I hadn't any difficulty. There's two arms on each shoulder--” - -“There, now. One arm on each shoulder belongs to each of the creatures, -don't it? For a person to have two arms on one shoulder wouldn't do him -any good, would it? Of course not. Each has an arm on each shoulder. Now -then, you tell me which of them belongs to which, if you can. They don't -know, themselves--they just work whichever arm comes handy. Of course -they do; especially if they are in a hurry and can't stop to think which -belongs to which.” - -The mother seemed to have the rights of the argument, so the daughter -abandoned the struggle. Presently the widow rose with a yawn and said: - -“Poor thing, I hope it won't catch cold; it was powerful wet, just -drenched, you may say. I hope it has left its boots outside, so they can -be dried.” - -Then she gave a little start, and looked perplexed. - -“Now I remember I heard one of them ask Joe to call him at half after -seven--I think it was the one on the left--no, it was the one to the -east of the other one--but I didn't hear the other one say any thing. -I wonder if he wants to be called too. Do you reckon it's too late to -ask?” - -“Why, ma, it's not necessary. Calling one is calling both. If one gets -up, the other's got to.” - -“Sho, of course; I never thought of that. Well, come along, maybe we can -get some sleep, but I don't know, I'm so shook up with what we've been -through.” - -The stranger had made an impression on the boys, too. They had a word of -talk as they were getting to bed. Henry, the gentle, the humane, said: - -“I feel ever so sorry for it, don't you, Joe?” - -But Joe was a boy of this world, active, enterprising, and had a -theatrical side to him: - -“Sorry? Why, how you talk! It can't stir a step without attracting -attention. It's just grand!” - -Henry said, reproachfully: - -“Instead of pitying it, Joe, you talk as if--” - -“Talk as if what? I know one thing mighty certain: if you can fix me so -I can eat for two and only have to stub toes for one, I ain't going to -fool away no such chance just for sentiment.” - -The twins were wet and tired, and they proceeded to undress without any -preliminary remarks. The abundance of sleeve made the partnership coat -hard to get off, for it was like skinning a tarantula; but it came at -last, after much tugging and perspiring. The mutual vest followed. Then -the brothers stood up before the glass, and each took off his own cravat -and collar. The collars were of the standing kind, and came high up -under the ears, like the sides of a wheelbarrow, as required by the -fashion of the day. The cravats were as broad as a bankbill, with -fringed ends which stood far out to right and left like the wings of a -dragon-fly, and this also was strictly in accordance with the fashion of -the time. Each cravat, as to color, was in perfect taste, so far as its -owner's complexion was concerned--a delicate pink, in the case of the -blond brother, a violent scarlet in the case of the brunette--but as -a combination they broke all the laws of taste known to civilization. -Nothing more fiendish and irreconcilable than those shrieking and -blaspheming colors could have been contrived. The wet boots gave no -end of trouble--to Luigi. When they were off at last, Angelo said, with -bitterness: - -“I wish you wouldn't wear such tight boots, they hurt my feet.” - -Luigi answered with indifference: - -“My friend, when I am in command of our body, I choose my apparel -according to my own convenience, as I have remarked more than several -times already. When you are in command, I beg you will do as you -please.” - -Angelo was hurt, and the tears came into his eyes. There was gentle -reproach in his voice, but, not anger, when he replied: - -“Luigi, I often consult your wishes, but you never consult mine. When -I am in command I treat you as a guest; I try to make you feel at home; -when you are in command you treat me as an intruder, you make me feel -unwelcome. It embarrasses me cruelly in company, for I can see that -people notice it and comment on it.” - -“Oh, damn the people,” responded the brother languidly, and with the air -of one who is tired of the subject. - -A slight shudder shook the frame of Angelo, but he said nothing and the -conversation ceased. Each buttoned his own share of the nightshirt in -silence; then Luigi, with Paine's Age of Reason in his hand, sat down -in one chair and put his feet in another and lit his pipe, while Angelo -took his Whole Duty of Man, and both began to read. Angelo presently -began to cough; his coughing increased and became mixed with gaspings -for breath, and he was finally obliged to make an appeal to his -brother's humanity: - -“Luigi, if you would only smoke a little milder tobacco, I am sure I -could learn not to mind it in time, but this is so strong, and the pipe -is so rank that--” - -“Angelo, I wouldn't be such a baby! I have learned to smoke in a week, -and the trouble is already over with me; if you would try, you could -learn too, and then you would stop spoiling my comfort with your -everlasting complaints.” - -“Ah, brother, that is a strong word--everlasting--and isn't quite fair. -I only complain when I suffocate; you know I don't complain when we are -in the open air.” - -“Well, anyway, you could learn to smoke yourself.” - -“But my principles, Luigi, you forget my principles. You would not have -me do a thing which I regard as a sin?” - -“Oh, bosh!” - -The conversation ceased again, for Angelo was sick and discouraged and -strangling; but after some time he closed his book and asked Luigi to -sing “From Greenland's Icy Mountains” with him, but he would not, -and when he tried to sing by himself Luigi did his best to drown -his plaintive tenor with a rude and rollicking song delivered in a -thundering bass. - -After the singing there was silence, and neither brother was happy. -Before blowing the light out Luigi swallowed half a tumbler of whisky, -and Angelo, whose sensitive organization could not endure intoxicants of -any kind, took a pill to keep it from giving him the headache. - - - - -CHAPTER II. MA COOPER GETS ALL MIXED UP - -The family sat in the breakfast-room waiting for the twins to come down. -The widow was quiet, the daughter was alive with happy excitement. She -said: - -“Ah, they're a boon, ma, just a boon! Don't you think so?” - -“Laws, I hope so, I don't know.” - -“Why, ma, yes you do. They're so fine and handsome, and high-bred and -polite, so every way superior to our gawks here in this village; -why, they'll make life different from what it was--so humdrum -and commonplace, you know--oh, you may be sure they're full of -accomplishments, and knowledge of the world, and all that, that will be -an immense advantage to society here. Don't you think so, ma?” - -“Mercy on me, how should I know, and I've hardly set eyes on them yet.” - After a pause she added, “They made considerable noise after they went -up.” - -“Noise? Why, ma, they were singing! And it was beautiful, too.” - -“Oh, it was well enough, but too mixed-up, seemed to me.” - -“Now, ma, honor bright, did you ever hear 'Greenland's Icy Mountains' -sung sweeter--now did you?” - -“If it had been sung by itself, it would have been uncommon sweet, I -don't deny it; but what they wanted to mix it up with 'Old Bob Ridley' -for, I can't make out. Why, they don't go together, at all. They are not -of the same nature. 'Bob Ridley' is a common rackety slam-bang secular -song, one of the rippingest and rantingest and noisiest there is. I am -no judge of music, and I don't claim it, but in my opinion nobody can -make those two songs go together right.” - -“Why, ma, I thought--” - -“It don't make any difference what you thought, it can't be done. They -tried it, and to my mind it was a failure. I never heard such a crazy -uproar; seemed to me, sometimes, the roof would come off; and as for the -cats--well, I've lived a many a year, and seen cats aggravated in more -ways than one, but I've never seen cats take on the way they took on -last night.” - -“Well, I don't think that that goes for anything, ma, because it is the -nature of cats that any sound that is unusual--” - -“Unusual! You may well call it so. Now if they are going to sing duets -every night, I do hope they will both sing the same tune at the same -time, for in my opinion a duet that is made up of two different tunes is -a mistake; especially when the tunes ain't any kin to one another, that -way.” - -“But, ma, I think it must be a foreign custom; and it must be right too; -and the best way, because they have had every opportunity to know what -is right, and it don't stand to reason that with their education -they would do anything but what the highest musical authorities have -sanctioned. You can't help but admit that, ma.” - -The argument was formidably strong; the old lady could not find any way -around it; so, after thinking it over awhile she gave in with a sigh -of discontent, and admitted that the daughter's position was probably -correct. Being vanquished, she had no mind to continue the topic at -that disadvantage, and was about to seek a change when a change came of -itself. A footstep was heard on the stairs, and she said: - -“There-he's coming!” - -“They, ma--you ought to say they--it's nearer right.” - -The new lodger, rather shoutingly dressed but looking superbly handsome, -stepped with courtly carnage into the trim little breakfast-room and put -out all his cordial arms at once, like one of those pocket-knives with -a multiplicity of blades, and shook hands with the whole family -simultaneously. He was so easy and pleasant and hearty that all -embarrassment presently thawed away and disappeared, and a cheery -feeling of friendliness and comradeship took its place. He--or -preferably they--were asked to occupy the seat of honor at the foot of -the table. They consented with thanks, and carved the beefsteak with one -set of their hands while they distributed it at the same time with the -other set. - -“Will you have coffee, gentlemen, or tea?” - -“Coffee for Luigi, if you please, madam, tea for me.” - -“Cream and sugar?” - -“For me, yes, madam; Luigi takes his coffee, black. Our natures differ a -good deal from each other, and our tastes also.” - -The first time the negro girl Nancy appeared in the door and saw the two -heads turned in opposite directions and both talking at once, then saw -the commingling arms feed potatoes into one mouth and coffee into the -other at the same time, she had to pause and pull herself out of a -faintness that came over her; but after that she held her grip and was -able to wait on the table with fair courage. - -Conversation fell naturally into the customary grooves. It was a little -jerky, at first, because none of the family could get smoothly through -a sentence without a wabble in it here and a break there, caused by some -new surprise in the way of attitude or gesture on the part of the twins. -The weather suffered the most. The weather was all finished up and -disposed of, as a subject, before the simple Missourians had gotten -sufficiently wonted to the spectacle of one body feeding two heads to -feel composed and reconciled in the presence of so bizarre a miracle. -And even after everybody's mind became tranquilized there was still one -slight distraction left: the hand that picked up a biscuit carried it to -the wrong head, as often as any other way, and the wrong mouth devoured -it. This was a puzzling thing, and marred the talk a little. It bothered -the widow to such a degree that she presently dropped out of the -conversation without knowing it, and fell to watching and guessing and -talking to herself: - -“Now that hand is going to take that coffee to--no, it's gone to the -other mouth; I can't understand it; and Now, here is the dark-complected -hand with a potato in its fork, I'll see what goes with it--there, the -light-complected head's got it, as sure as I live!” - -Finally Rowena said: - -“Ma, what is the matter with you? Are you dreaming about something?” - -The old lady came to herself and blushed; then she explained with the -first random thing that came into her mind: “I saw Mr. Angelo take up -Mr. Luigi's coffee, and I thought maybe he--sha'n't I give you a cup, -Mr. Angelo?” - -“Oh no, madam, I am very much obliged, but I never drink coffee, much as -I would like to. You did see me take up Luigi's cup, it is true, but if -you noticed, I didn't carry it to my mouth, but to his.” - -“Y-es, I thought you did: Did you mean to?” - -“How?” - -The widow was a little embarrassed again. She said: - -“I don't know but what I'm foolish, and you mustn't mind; but you see, -he got the coffee I was expecting to see you drink, and you got a potato -that I thought he was going to get. So I thought it might be a mistake -all around, and everybody getting what wasn't intended for him.” - -Both twins laughed and Luigi said: - -“Dear madam, there wasn't any mistake. We are always helping each other -that way. It is a great economy for us both; it saves time and labor. -We have a system of signs which nobody can notice or understand but -ourselves. If I am using both my hands and want some coffee, I make the -sign and Angelo furnishes it to me; and you saw that when he needed a -potato I delivered it.” - -“How convenient!” - -“Yes, and often of the extremest value. Take the Mississippi boats, for -instance. They are always overcrowded. There is table-room for only half -of the passengers, therefore they have to set a second table for the -second half. The stewards rush both parties, they give them no time to -eat a satisfying meal, both divisions leave the table hungry. It isn't -so with us. Angelo books himself for the one table, I book myself for -the other. Neither of us eats anything at the other's table, but just -simply works--works. Thus, you see there are four hands to feed Angelo, -and the same four to feed me. Each of us eats two meals.” - -The old lady was dazed with admiration, and kept saying, “It is -perfectly wonderful, perfectly wonderful” and the boy Joe licked his -chops enviously, but said nothing--at least aloud. - -“Yes,” continued Luigi, “our construction may have its disadvantages--in -fact, HAS--but it also has its compensations of one sort and another. -Take travel, for instance. Travel is enormously expensive, in all -countries; we have been obliged to do a vast deal of it--come, Angelo, -don't put any more sugar in your tea, I'm just over one indigestion and -don't want another right away--been obliged to do a deal of it, as I was -saying. Well, we always travel as one person, since we occupy but one -seat; so we save half the fare.” - -“How romantic!” interjected Rowena, with effusion. - -“Yes, my dear young lady, and how practical too, and economical. -In Europe, beds in the hotels are not charged with the board, but -separately--another saving, for we stood to our rights and paid for the -one bed only. The landlords often insisted that as both of us occupied -the bed we ought--” - -“No, they didn't,” said Angelo. “They did it only twice, and in both -cases it was a double bed--a rare thing in Europe--and the double -bed gave them some excuse. Be fair to the landlords; twice doesn't -constitute 'often.'” - -“Well, that depends--that depends. I knew a man who fell down a well -twice. He said he didn't mind the first time, but he thought the second -time was once too often. Have I misused that word, Mrs. Cooper?” - -“To tell the truth, I was afraid you had, but it seems to look, now, -like you hadn't.” She stopped, and was evidently struggling with the -difficult problem a moment, then she added in the tone of one who is -convinced without being converted, “It seems so, but I can't somehow -tell why.” - -Rowena thought Luigi's retort was wonderfully quick and bright, and she -remarked to herself with satisfaction that there wasn't any young native -of Dawson's Landing that could have risen to the occasion like that. -Luigi detected the applause in her face, and expressed his pleasure and -his thanks with his eyes; and so eloquently withal, that the girl was -proud and pleased, and hung out the delicate sign of it on her cheeks. -Luigi went on, with animation: - -“Both of us get a bath for one ticket, theater seat for one ticket, -pew-rent is on the same basis, but at peep-shows we pay double.” - -“We have much to be thankful for,” said Angelo, impressively, with a -reverent light in his eye and a reminiscent tone in his voice, “we have -been greatly blessed. As a rule, what one of us has lacked, the other, -by the bounty of Providence, has been able to supply. My brother is -hardy, I am not; he is very masculine, assertive, aggressive; I am -much less so. I am subject to illness, he is never ill. I cannot abide -medicines, and cannot take them, but he has no prejudice against them, -and--” - -“Why, goodness gracious,” interrupted the widow, “when you are sick, -does he take the medicine for you?” - -“Always, madam.” - -“Why, I never heard such a thing in my life! I think it's beautiful of -you.” - -“Oh, madam, it's nothing, don't mention it, it's really nothing at all.” - -“But I say it's beautiful, and I stick to it!” cried the widow, with a -speaking moisture in her eye. - -“A well brother to take the medicine for his poor sick brother--I wish -I had such a son,” and she glanced reproachfully at her boys. “I declare -I'll never rest till I've shook you by the hand,” and she scrambled out -of her chair in a fever of generous enthusiasm, and made for the twins, -blind with her tears, and began to shake. The boy Joe corrected her: -“You're shaking the wrong one, ma.” - -This flurried her, but she made a swift change and went on shaking. - -“Got the wrong one again, ma,” said the boy. - -“Oh, shut up, can't you!” said the widow, embarrassed and irritated. -“Give me all your hands, I want to shake them all; for I know you are -both just as good as you can be.” - -It was a victorious thought, a master-stroke of diplomacy, though that -never occurred to her and she cared nothing for diplomacy. She shook the -four hands in turn cordially, and went back to her place in a state of -high and fine exultation that made her look young and handsome. - -“Indeed I owe everything to Luigi,” said Angelo, affectionately. -“But for him I could not have survived our boyhood days, when we were -friendless and poor--ah, so poor! We lived from hand to mouth-lived on -the coarse fare of unwilling charity, and for weeks and weeks together -not a morsel of food passed my lips, for its character revolted me and I -could not eat it. But for Luigi I should have died. He ate for us both.” - -“How noble!” sighed Rowena. - -“Do you hear that?” said the widow, severely, to her boys. “Let it be an -example to you--I mean you, Joe.” - -Joe gave his head a barely perceptible disparaging toss and said: “Et -for both. It ain't anything I'd 'a' done it.” - -“Hush, if you haven't got any better manners than that. You don't see -the point at all. It wasn't good food.” - -“I don't care--it was food, and I'd 'a' et it if it was rotten.” - -“Shame! Such language! Can't you understand? They were -starving--actually starving--and he ate for both, and--” - -“Shucks! you gimme a chance and I'll--” - -“There, now--close your head! and don't you open it again till you're -asked.” - - [Angelo goes on and tells how his parents the Count and Countess had - to fly from Florence for political reasons, and died poor in Berlin - bereft of their great property by confiscation; and how he and Luigi - had to travel with a freak-show during two years and suffer - semi-starvation.] - -“That hateful black-bread; but I seldom ate anything during that time; -that was poor Luigi's affair--” - -“I'll never Mister him again!” cried the widow, with strong emotion, -“he's Luigi to me, from this out!” - -“Thank you a thousand times, madam, a thousand times! though in truth I -don't deserve it.” - -“Ah, Luigi is always the fortunate one when honors are showering,” said -Angelo, plaintively; “now what have I done, Mrs. Cooper, that you leave -me out? Come, you must strain a point in my favor.” - -“Call you Angelo? Why, certainly I will; what are you thinking of! In -the case of twins, why--” - -“But, ma, you're breaking up the story--do let him go on.” - -“You keep still, Rowena Cooper, and he can go on all the better, I -reckon. One interruption don't hurt, it's two that makes the trouble.” - -“But you've added one, now, and that is three.” - -“Rowena! I will not allow you to talk back at me when you have got -nothing rational to say.” - - - - -CHAPTER III. ANGELO IS BLUE - -[After breakfast the whole village crowded in, and there was a grand -reception in honor of the twins; and at the close of it the gifted -“freak” captured everybody's admiration by sitting down at the piano and -knocking out a classic four-handed piece in great style. Then the judge -took it--or them--driving in his buggy and showed off his village.] - -All along the streets the people crowded the windows and stared at the -amazing twins. Troops of small boys flocked after the buggy, excited and -yelling. At first the dogs showed no interest. They thought they merely -saw three men in a buggy--a matter of no consequence; but when they -found out the facts of the case, they altered their opinion pretty -radically, and joined the boys, expressing their minds as they came. -Other dogs got interested; indeed, all the dogs. It was a spirited sight -to see them come leaping fences, tearing around corners, swarming out -of every bystreet and alley. The noise they made was something beyond -belief--or praise. They did not seem to be moved by malice but only by -prejudice, the common human prejudice against lack of conformity. If the -twins turned their heads, they broke and fled in every direction, but -stopped at a safe distance and faced about; and then formed and came -on again as soon as the strangers showed them their back. Negroes and -farmers' wives took to the woods when the buggy came upon them suddenly, -and altogether the drive was pleasant and animated, and a refreshment -all around. - - [It was a long and lively drive. Angelo was a Methodist, Luigi was - a Free-thinker. The judge was very proud of his Freethinkers' - Society, which was flourishing along in a most prosperous way and - already had two members--himself and the obscure and neglected - Pudd'nhead Wilson. It was to meet that evening, and he invited - Luigi to join; a thing which Luigi was glad to do, partly because it - would please himself, and partly because it would gravel Angelo.] - -They had now arrived at the widow's gate, and the excursion was ended. -The twins politely expressed their obligations for the pleasant outing -which had been afforded them; to which the judge bowed his thanks, and -then said he would now go and arrange for the Free-thinkers' meeting, -and would call for Count Luigi in the evening. - -“For you also, dear sir,” he added hastily, turning to Angelo and -bowing. “In addressing myself particularly to your brother, I was not -meaning to leave you out. It was an unintentional rudeness, I assure -you, and due wholly to accident--accident and preoccupation. I beg you -to forgive me.” - -His quick eye had seen the sensitive blood mount into Angelo's face, -betraying the wound that had been inflicted. The sting of the slight had -gone deep, but the apology was so prompt, and so evidently sincere, that -the hurt was almost immediately healed, and a forgiving smile testified -to the kindly judge that all was well again. - -Concealed behind Angelo's modest and unassuming exterior, and -unsuspected by any but his intimates, was a lofty pride, a pride of -almost abnormal proportions, indeed, and this rendered him ever the prey -of slights; and although they were almost always imaginary ones, they -hurt none the less on that account. By ill fortune judge Driscoll -had happened to touch his sorest point, i.e., his conviction that his -brother's presence was welcomer everywhere than his own; that he was -often invited, out of mere courtesy, where only his brother was -wanted, and that in a majority of cases he would not be included in an -invitation if he could be left out without offense. A sensitive nature -like this is necessarily subject to moods; moods which traverse the -whole gamut of feeling; moods which know all the climes of emotion, from -the sunny heights of joy to the black abysses of despair. At times, in -his seasons of deepest depressions, Angelo almost wished that he and -his brother might become segregated from each other and be separate -individuals, like other men. But of course as soon as his mind cleared -and these diseased imaginings passed away, he shuddered at the repulsive -thought, and earnestly prayed that it might visit him no more. To -be separate, and as other men are! How awkward it would seem; how -unendurable. What would he do with his hands, his arms? How would his -legs feel? How odd, and strange, and grotesque every action, attitude, -movement, gesture would be. To sleep by himself, eat by himself, walk by -himself--how lonely, how unspeakably lonely! No, no, any fate but that. -In every way and from every point, the idea was revolting. - -This was of course natural; to have felt otherwise would have been -unnatural. He had known no life but a combined one; he had been familiar -with it from his birth; he was not able to conceive of any other as -being agreeable, or even bearable. To him, in the privacy of his -secret thoughts, all other men were monsters, deformities: and during -three-fourths of his life their aspect had filled him with what promised -to be an unconquerable aversion. But at eighteen his eye began to take -note of female beauty; and little by little, undefined longings grew up -in his heart, under whose softening influences the old stubborn -aversion gradually diminished, and finally disappeared. Men were still -monstrosities to him, still deformities, and in his sober moments he had -no desire to be like them, but their strange and unsocial and uncanny -construction was no longer offensive to him. - -This had been a hard day for him, physically and mentally. He had been -called in the morning before he had quite slept off the effects of the -liquor which Luigi had drunk; and so, for the first half-hour had had -the seedy feeling, and languor, the brooding depression, the cobwebby -mouth and druggy taste that come of dissipation and are so ill a -preparation for bodily or intellectual activities; the long violent -strain of the reception had followed; and this had been followed, in -turn, by the dreary sight-seeing, the judge's wearying explanations and -laudations of the sights, and the stupefying clamor of the dogs. As -a congruous conclusion, a fitting end, his feelings had been hurt, a -slight had been put upon him. He would have been glad to forego dinner -and betake himself to rest and sleep, but he held his peace and said no -word, for he knew his brother, Luigi, was fresh, unweary, full of life, -spirit, energy; he would have scoffed at the idea of wasting valuable -time on a bed or a sofa, and would have refused permission. - - - - -CHAPTER IV. SUPERNATURAL CHRONOMETRY - -Rowena was dining out, Joe and Harry were belated at play, there -were but three chairs and four persons that noon at the home -dinner-table--the twins, the widow, and her chum, Aunt Betsy Hale. The -widow soon perceived that Angelo's spirits were as low as Luigi's were -high, and also that he had a jaded look. Her motherly solicitude was -aroused, and she tried to get him interested in the talk and win him -to a happier frame of mind, but the cloud of sadness remained on his -countenance. Luigi lent his help, too. He used a form and a phrase which -he was always accustomed to employ in these circumstances. He gave his -brother an affectionate slap on the shoulder and said, encouragingly: - -“Cheer up, the worst is yet to come!” - -But this did no good. It never did. If anything, it made the matter -worse, as a rule, because it irritated Angelo. This made it a favorite -with Luigi. By and by the widow said: - -“Angelo, you are tired, you've overdone yourself; you go right to bed -after dinner, and get a good nap and a rest, then you'll be all right.” - -“Indeed, I would give anything if I could do that, madam.” - -“And what's to hender, I'd like to know? Land, the room's yours to do -what you please with! The idea that you can't do what you like with your -own!” - -“But, you see, there's one prime essential--an essential of the very -first importance--which isn't my own.” - -“What is that?” - -“My body.” - -The old ladies looked puzzled, and Aunt Betsy Hale said: - -“Why bless your heart, how is that?” - -“It's my brother's.” - -“Your brother's! I don't quite understand. I supposed it belonged to -both of you.” - -“So it does. But not to both at the same time.” - -“That is mighty curious; I don't see how it can be. I shouldn't think it -could be managed that way.” - -“Oh, it's a good enough arrangement, and goes very well; in fact, it -wouldn't do to have it otherwise. I find that the teetotalers and the -anti-teetotalers hire the use of the same hall for their meetings. Both -parties don't use it at the same time, do they?” - -“You bet they don't!” said both old ladies in a breath. - -“And, moreover,” said Aunt Betsy, “the Freethinkers and the Baptist -Bible class use the same room over the Market house, but you can take my -word for it they don't mush up together and use it at the same time.' - -“Very well,” said Angelo, “you understand it now. And it stands to -reason that the arrangement couldn't be improved. I'll prove it to you. -If our legs tried to obey two wills, how could we ever get anywhere? I -would start one way, Luigi would start another, at the same moment--the -result would be a standstill, wouldn't it?” - -“As sure as you are born! Now ain't that wonderful! A body would never -have thought of it.” - -“We should always be arguing and fussing and disputing over the merest -trifles. We should lose worlds of time, for we couldn't go down-stairs -or up, couldn't go to bed, couldn't rise, couldn't wash, couldn't dress, -couldn't stand up, couldn't sit down, couldn't even cross our legs, -without calling a meeting first and explaining the case and passing -resolutions, and getting consent. It wouldn't ever do--now would it?” - -“Do? Why, it would wear a person out in a week! Did you ever hear -anything like it, Patsy Cooper?” - -“Oh, you'll find there's more than one thing about them that ain't -commonplace,” said the widow, with the complacent air of a person with a -property right in a novelty that is under admiring scrutiny. - -“Well, now, how ever do you manage it? I don't mind saying I'm suffering -to know.” - -“He who made us,” said Angelo reverently, “and with us this difficulty, -also provided a way out of it. By a mysterious law of our being, each of -us has utter and indisputable command of our body a week at a time, turn -and turn about.” - -“Well, I never! Now ain't that beautiful!” - -“Yes, it is beautiful and infinitely wise and just. The week ends every -Saturday at midnight to the minute, to the second, to the last shade of -a fraction of a second, infallibly, unerringly, and in that instant the -one brother's power over the body vanishes and the other brother takes -possession, asleep or awake.” - -“How marvelous are His ways, and past finding out!” - -Luigi said: “So exactly to the instant does the change come, that during -our stay in many of the great cities of the world, the public clocks -were regulated by it; and as hundreds of thousands of private clocks and -watches were set and corrected in accordance with the public clocks, we -really furnished the standard time for the entire city.” - -“Don't tell me that He don't do miracles any more! Blowing down the -walls of Jericho with rams' horns wa'n't as difficult, in my opinion.” - -“And that is not all,” said Angelo. “A thing that is even more -marvelous, perhaps, is the fact that the change takes note of longitude -and fits itself to the meridian we are on. Luigi is in command this -week. Now, if on Saturday night at a moment before midnight we could -fly in an instant to a point fifteen degrees west of here, he would hold -possession of the power another hour, for the change observes local time -and no other.” - -Betsy Hale was deeply impressed, and said with solemnity: - -“Patsy Cooper, for detail it lays over the Passage of the Red Sea.” - -“Now, I shouldn't go as far as that,” said Aunt Patsy, “but if you've a -mind to say Sodom and Gomorrah, I am with you, Betsy Hale.” - -“I am agreeable, then, though I do think I was right, and I believe -Parson Maltby would say the same. Well, now, there's another thing. -Suppose one of you wants to borrow the legs a minute from the one that's -got them, could he let him?” - -“Yes, but we hardly ever do that. There were disagreeable results, -several times, and so we very seldom ask or grant the privilege, -nowadays, and we never even think of such a thing unless the case is -extremely urgent. Besides, a week's possession at a time seems so little -that we can't bear to spare a minute of it. People who have the use of -their legs all the time never think of what a blessing it is, of course. -It never occurs to them; it's just their natural ordinary condition, -and so it does not excite them at all. But when I wake up, on Sunday -morning, and it's my week and I feel the power all through me, oh, such -a wave of exultation and thanksgiving goes surging over me, and I want -to shout 'I can walk! I can walk!' Madam, do you ever, at your uprising, -want to shout 'I can walk! I can walk!'?” - -“No, you poor unfortunate cretur', but I'll never get out of my bed -again without doing it! Laws, to think I've had this unspeakable -blessing all my long life and never had the grace to thank the good Lord -that gave it to me!” - -Tears stood in the eyes of both the old ladies and the widow said, -softly: - -“Betsy Hale, we have learned something, you and me.” - -The conversation now drifted wide, but by and by floated back once more -to that admired detail, the rigid and beautiful impartiality with which -the possession of power had been distributed, between the twins. Aunt -Betsy saw in it a far finer justice than human law exhibits in related -cases. She said: - -“In my opinion it ain't right noW, and never has been right, the way a -twin born a quarter of a minute sooner than the other one gets all the -land and grandeurs and nobilities in the old countries and his brother -has to go bare and be a nobody. Which of you was born first?” - -Angelo's head was resting against Luigi's; weariness had overcome him, -and for the past five minutes he had been peacefully sleeping. The old -ladies had dropped their voices to a lulling drone, to help him to steal -the rest his brother wouldn't take him up-stairs to get. Luigi listened -a moment to Angelo's regular breathing, then said in a voice barely -audible: - -“We were both born at the same time, but I am six months older than he -is.” - -“For the land's sake!” - -“'Sh! don't wake him up; he wouldn't like my telling this. It has always -been kept secret till now.” - -“But how in the world can it be? If you were both born at the same time, -how can one of you be older than the other?” - -“It is very simple, and I assure you it is true. I was born with a full -crop of hair, he was as bald as an egg for six months. I could walk six -months before he could make a step. I finished teething six months ahead -of him. I began to take solids six months before he left the breast. -I began to talk six months before he could say a word. Last, and -absolutely unassailable proof, the sutures in my skull closed six months -ahead of his. Always just that six months' difference to a day. Was that -accident? Nobody is going to claim that, I'm sure. It was ordained--it -was law--it had its meaning, and we know what that meaning was. Now what -does this overwhelming body of evidence establish? It establishes -just one thing, and that thing it establishes beyond any peradventure -whatever. Friends, we would not have it known for the world, and I must -beg you to keep it strictly to yourselves, but the truth is, we are no -more twins than you are.” - -The two old ladies were stunned, paralyzed--petrified, one may almost -say--and could only sit and gaze vacantly at each other for some -moments; then Aunt Betsy Hale said impressively: - -“There's no getting around proof like that. I do believe it's the most -amazing thing I ever heard of.” She sat silent a moment or two and -breathing hard with excitement, then she looked up and surveyed the -strangers steadfastly a little while, and added: “Well, it does beat me, -but I would have took you for twins anywhere.” - -“So would I, so would I,” said Aunt Patsy with the emphasis of a -certainty that is not impaired by any shade of doubt. - -“Anybody would-anybody in the world, I don't care who he is,” said Aunt -Betsy with decision. - -“You won't tell,” said Luigi, appealingly. - -“Oh, dear, no!” answered both ladies promptly, “you can trust us, don't -you be afraid.” - -“That is good of you, and kind. Never let on; treat us always as if we -were twins.” - -“You can depend on us,” said Aunt Betsy, “but it won't be easy, because -now that I know you ain't you don't seem so.” - -Luigi muttered to himself with satisfaction: “That swindle has gone -through without change of cars.” - -It was not very kind of him to load the poor things up with a secret -like that, which would be always flying to their tongues' ends every -time they heard any one speak of the strangers as twins, and would -become harder and harder to hang on to with every recurrence of the -temptation to tell it, while the torture of retaining it would increase -with every new strain that was applied; but he never thought of that, -and probably would not have worried much about it if he had. - -A visitor was announced--some one to see the twins. They withdrew to -the parlor, and the two old ladies began to discuss with interest the -strange things which they had been listening to. When they had finished -the matter to their satisfaction, and Aunt Betsy rose to go, she stopped -to ask a question: - -“How does things come on between Roweny and Tom Driscoll?” - -“Well, about the same. He writes tolerable often, and she answers -tolerable seldom.” - -“Where is he?” - -“In St. Louis, I believe, though he's such a gadabout that a body can't -be very certain of him, I reckon.” - -“Don't Roweny know?” - -“Oh, yes, like enough. I haven't asked her lately.” - -“Do you know how him and the judge are getting along now?” - -“First rate, I believe. Mrs. Pratt says so; and being right in the -house, and sister to the one and aunt to t'other, of course she ought to -know. She says the judge is real fond of him when he's away; but frets -when he's around and is vexed with his ways, and not sorry to have him -go again. He has been gone three weeks this time--a pleasant thing for -both of them, I reckon.” - -“Tom's rather harum-scarum, but there ain't anything bad in him, I -guess.” - -“Oh, no, he's just young, that's all. Still, twenty-three is old, in -one way. A young man ought to be earning his living by that time. If Tom -were doing that, or was even trying to do it, the judge would be a heap -better satisfied with him. Tom's always going to begin, but somehow he -can't seem to find just the opening he likes.” - -“Well, now, it's partly the judge's own fault. Promising the boy his -property wasn't the way to set him to earning a fortune of his own. But -what do you think--is Roweny beginning to lean any toward him, or ain't -she?” - -Aunt Patsy had a secret in her bosom; she wanted to keep it there, but -nature was too strong for her. She drew Aunt Betsy aside, and said in -her most confidential and mysterious manner: - -“Don't you breathe a syllable to a soul--I'm going to tell you -something. In my opinion Tom Driscoll's chances were considerable better -yesterday than they are to-day.” - -“Patsy Cooper, what do you mean?” - -“It's so, as sure as you're born. I wish you could 'a' been at breakfast -and seen for yourself.” - -“You don't mean it!” - -“Well, if I'm any judge, there's a leaning--there's a leaning, sure.” - -“My land! Which one of 'em is it?” - -“I can't say for certain, but I think it's the youngest one--Anjy.” - -Then there were hand-shakings, and congratulations, and hopes, and -so on, and the old ladies parted, perfectly happy--the one in knowing -something which the rest of the town didn't, and the other in having -been the sole person able to furnish that knowledge. - -The visitor who had called to see the twins was the Rev. Mr. Hotchkiss, -pastor of the Baptist church. At the reception Angelo had told him he -had lately experienced a change in his religious views, and was -now desirous of becoming a Baptist, and would immediately join Mr. -Hotchkiss's church. There was no time to say more, and the brief talk -ended at that point. The minister was much gratified, and had dropped in -for a moment now, to invite the twins to attend his Bible class at eight -that evening. Angelo accepted, and was expecting Luigi to decline, but -he did not, because he knew that the Bible class and the Freethinkers -met in the same room, and he wanted to treat his brother to the -embarrassment of being caught in free-thinking company. - - - - -CHAPTER V. GUILT AND INNOCENCE FINELY BLENT - -[A long and vigorous quarrel follows, between the twins. And there is -plenty to quarrel about, for Angelo was always seeking truth, and this -obliged him to change and improve his religion with frequency, which -wearied Luigi, and annoyed him too; for he had to be present at each new -enlistment--which placed him in the false position of seeming to indorse -and approve his brother's fickleness; moreover, he had to go to Angelo's -prohibition meetings, and he hated them. On the other hand, when it was -his week to command the legs he gave Angelo just cause of complaint, for -he took him to circuses and horse-races and fandangoes, exposing him to -all sorts of censure and criticism; and he drank, too; and whatever -he drank went to Angelo's head instead of his own and made him -act disgracefully. When the evening was come, the two attended the -Free-thinkers' meeting, where Angelo was sad and silent; then came the -Bible class and looked upon him coldly, finding him in such company. -Then they went to Wilson's house and Chapter XI of Pudd'nhead Wilson -follows, which tells of the girl seen in Tom Driscoll's room; and closes -with the kicking of Tom by Luigi at the anti-temperance mass-meeting -of the Sons of Liberty; with the addition of some account of Roxy's -adventures as a chamber-maid on a Mississippi boat. Her exchange of -the children had been flippantly and farcically described in an earlier -chapter.] - -Next morning all the town was a-buzz with great news; Pudd'nhead Wilson -had a law case! The public astonishment was so great and the public -curiosity so intense, that when the justice of the peace opened his -court, the place was packed with people and even the windows were -full. Everybody was flushed and perspiring; the summer heat was almost -unendurable. - -Tom Driscoll had brought a charge of assault and battery against the -twins. Robert Allen was retained by Driscoll, David Wilson by the -defense. Tom, his native cheerfulness unannihilated by his back-breaking -and bone-bruising passage across the massed heads of the Sons of Liberty -the previous night, laughed his little customary laugh, and said to -Wilson: - -“I've kept my promise, you see; I'm throwing my business your way. -Sooner than I was expecting, too.” - -“It's very good of you--particularly if you mean to keep it up.” - -“Well, I can't tell about that yet. But we'll see. If I find you deserve -it I'll take you under my protection and make your fame and fortune for -you.” - -“I'll try to deserve it, Tom.” - -A jury was sworn in; then Mr. Allen said: - -“We will detain your honor but a moment with this case. It is not -one where any doubt of the fact of the assault can enter in. These -gentlemen--the accused--kicked my client at the Market Hall last night; -they kicked him with violence; with extraordinary violence; with even -unprecedented violence, I may say; insomuch that he was lifted entirely -off his feet and discharged into the midst of the audience. We can prove -this by four hundred witnesses--we shall call but three. Mr. Harkness -will take the stand.” - -Mr. Harkness, being sworn, testified that he was chairman upon the -occasion mentioned; that he was close at hand and saw the defendants in -this action kick the plaintiff into the air and saw him descend among -the audience. - -“Take the witness,” said Allen. - -“Mr. Harkness,” said Wilson, “you say you saw these gentlemen, my -clients, kick the plaintiff. Are you sure--and please remember that you -are on oath--are you perfectly sure that you saw both of them kick him, -or only one? Now be careful.” - -A bewildered look began to spread itself over the witness's face. He -hesitated, stammered, but got out nothing. His eyes wandered to the -twins and fixed themselves there with a vacant gaze. - -“Please answer, Mr. Harkness, you are keeping the court waiting. It is a -very simple question.” - -Counsel for the prosecution broke in with impatience: - -“Your honor, the question is an irrelevant triviality. Necessarily, they -both kicked him, for they have but the one pair of legs, and both are -responsible for them.” - -Wilson said, sarcastically: - -“Will your honor permit this new witness to be sworn? He seems to -possess knowledge which can be of the utmost value just at this -moment--knowledge which would at once dispose of what every one must see -is a very difficult question in this case. Brother Allen, will you take -the stand?” - -“Go on with your case!” said Allen, petulantly. The audience laughed, -and got a warning from the court. - -“Now, Mr. Harkness,” said Wilson, insinuatingly, “we shall have to -insist upon an answer to that question.” - -“I--er--well, of course, I do not absolutely know, but in my opinion--” - -“Never mind your opinion, sir--answer the question.” - -“I--why, I can't answer it.” - -“That will do, Mr. Harkness. Stand down.” - -The audience tittered, and the discomfited witness retired in a state of -great embarrassment. - -Mr. Wakeman took the stand and swore that he saw the twins kick the -plaintiff off the platform. - -The defense took the witness. - -“Mr. Wakeman, you have sworn that you saw these gentlemen kick the -plaintiff. Do I understand you to swear that you saw them both do it?” - -“Yes, sir,”--with decision. - -“How do you know that both did it?” - -“Because I saw them do it.” - -The audience laughed, and got another warning from the court. - -“But by what means do you know that both, and not one, did it?” - -“Well, in the first place, the insult was given to both of them equally, -for they were called a pair of scissors. Of course they would both want -to resent it, and so--” - -“Wait! You are theorizing now. Stick to facts--counsel will attend to -the arguments. Go on.” - -“Well, they both went over there--that I saw.” - -“Very good. Go on.” - -“And they both kicked him--I swear to it.” - -“Mr. Wakeman, was Count Luigi, here, willing to join the Sons of Liberty -last night?” - -“Yes, sir, he was. He did join, too, and drank a glass or two of whisky, -like a man.” - -“Was his brother willing to join?” - -“No, sir, he wasn't. He is a teetotaler, and was elected through a -mistake.” - -“Was he given a glass of whisky?” - -“Yes, sir, but of course that was another mistake, and not intentional. -He wouldn't drink it. He set it down.” A slight pause, then he added, -casually and quite simply: “The plaintiff reached for it and hogged it.” - -There was a fine outburst of laughter, but as the justice was caught out -himself, his reprimand was not very vigorous. - -Mr. Allen jumped up and exclaimed: “I protest against these foolish -irrelevancies. What have they to do with the case?” - -Wilson said: “Calm yourself, brother, it was only an experiment. Now, -Mr. Wakeman, if one of these gentlemen chooses to join an association -and the other doesn't; and if one of them enjoys whisky and the other -doesn't, but sets it aside and leaves it unprotected” (titter from -the audience), “it seems to show that they have independent minds, and -tastes, and preferences, and that one of them is able to approve of a -thing at the very moment that the other is heartily disapproving of it. -Doesn't it seem so to you?” - -“Certainly it does. It's perfectly plain.” - -“Now, then, it might be--I only say it might be--that one of these -brothers wanted to kick the plaintiff last night, and that the other -didn't want that humiliating punishment inflicted upon him in that -public way and before all those people. Isn't that possible?” - -“Of course it is. It's more than possible. I don't believe the blond one -would kick anybody. It was the other one that--” - -“Silence!” shouted the plaintiff's counsel, and went on with an angry -sentence which was lost in the wave of laughter that swept the house. - -“That will do, Mr. Wakeman,” said Wilson, “you may stand down.” - -The third witness was called. He had seen the twins kick the plaintiff. -Mr. Wilson took the witness. - -“Mr. Rogers, you say you saw these accused gentlemen kick the -plaintiff?” - -“Yes, sir.” - -“Both of them?” - -“Yes, sir.” - -“Which of them kicked him first?” - -“Why--they--they both kicked him at the same time. - -“Are you perfectly sure of that?” - -“Yes, sir.” - -“What makes you sure of it?” - -“Why, I stood right behind them, and saw them do it.” - -“How many kicks were delivered?” - -“Only one.” - -“If two men kick, the result should be two kicks, shouldn't it?” - -“Why--why yes, as a rule.” - -“Then what do you think went with the other kick?” - -“I--well--the fact is, I wasn't thinking of two being necessary, this -time.” - -“What do you think now?” - -“Well, I--I'm sure I don't quite know what to think, but I reckon that -one of them did half of the kick and the other one did the other half.” - -Somebody in the crowd sung out: “It's the first sane thing that any of -them has said.” - -The audience applauded. The judge said: “Silence! or I will clear the -court.” - -Mr. Allen looked pleased, but Wilson did not seem disturbed. He said: - -“Mr. Rogers, you have favored us with what you think and what you -reckon, but as thinking and reckoning are not evidence, I will now give -you a chance to come out with something positive, one way or the other, -and shall require you to produce it. I will ask the accused to stand up -and repeat the phenomenal kick of last night.” The twins stood up. “Now, -Mr. Rogers, please stand behind them.” - -A Voice: “No, stand in front!” (Laughter. Silenced by the court.) -Another Voice: “No, give Tommy another highst!” (Laughter. Sharply -rebuked by the court.) - -“Now, then, Mr. Rogers, two kicks shall be delivered, one after the -other, and I give you my word that at least one of the two shall be -delivered by one of the twins alone, without the slightest assistance -from his brother. Watch sharply, for you have got to render a decision -without any if's and ands it.” Rogers bent himself behind the twins with -his palms just above his knees, in the modern attitude of the catcher at -a baseball match, and riveted his eyes on the pair of legs in front of -him. - -“Are you ready, Mr. Rogers?” - -“Ready sir.” - -The kick was launched. - -“Have you got that one classified, Mr. Rogers?” - -“Let me study a minute, sir.” - -“Take as much time as you please. Let me know when you are ready.” - -For as much as a minute Rogers pondered, with all eyes and a breathless -interest fastened upon him. Then he gave the word: “Ready, sir.” - -“Kick!” - -The kick that followed was an exact duplicate of the first one. - -“Now, then, Mr. Rogers, one of those kicks was an individual kick, not a -mutual one. You will now state positively which was the mutual one.” - -The witness said, with a crestfallen look: - -“I've got to give it up. There ain't any man in the world that could -tell t'other from which, sir.” - -“Do you still assert that last night's kick was a mutual kick?” - -“Indeed, I don't, sir.” - -“That will do, Mr. Rogers. If my brother Allen desires to address the -court, your honor, very well; but as far as I am concerned I am ready -to let the case be at once delivered into the hands of this intelligent -jury without comment.” - -Mr. Justice Robinson had been in office only two months, and in that -short time had not had many cases to try, of course. He had no knowledge -of laws and courts except what he had picked up since he came into -office. He was a sore trouble to the lawyers, for his rulings were -pretty eccentric sometimes, and he stood by them with Roman simplicity -and fortitude; but the people were well satisfied with him, for they saw -that his intentions were always right, that he was entirely impartial, -and that he usually made up in good sense what he lacked in technique, -so to speak. He now perceived that there was likely to be a miscarriage -of justice here, and he rose to the occasion. - -“Wait a moment, gentlemen,” he said, “it is plain that an assault has -been committed it is plain to anybody; but the way things are going, the -guilty will certainly escape conviction. I can not allow this. Now---” - -“But, your honor!” said Wilson, interrupting him, earnestly but -respectfully, “you are deciding the case yourself, whereas the jury--” - -“Never mind the jury, Mr. Wilson; the jury will have a chance when there -is a reasonable doubt for them to take hold of--which there isn't, so -far. There is no doubt whatever that an assault has been committed. The -attempt to show that both of the accused committed it has failed. Are -they both to escape justice on that account? Not in this court, if I -can prevent it. It appears to have been a mistake to bring the charge -against them as a corporation; each should have been charged in his -capacity as an individual, and--” - -“But, your honor!” said Wilson, “in fairness to my clients I must insist -that inasmuch as the prosecution did not separate the--” - -“No wrong will be done your clients, sir--they will be protected; -also the public and the offended laws. Mr. Allen, you will amend your -pleadings, and put one of the accused on trial at a time.” - -Wilson broke in: “But, your honor! this is wholly unprecedented! To -imperil an accused person by arbitrarily altering and widening the -charge against him in order to compass his conviction when the charge -as originally brought promises to fail to convict, is a thing unheard of -before.” - -“Unheard of where?” - -“In the courts of this or any other state.” - -The judge said with dignity: “I am not acquainted with the customs -of other courts, and am not concerned to know what they are. I am -responsible for this court, and I cannot conscientiously allow my -judgment to be warped and my judicial liberty hampered by trying to -conform to the caprices of other courts, be they--” - -“But, your honor, the oldest and highest courts in Europe--” - -“This court is not run on the European plan, Mr. Wilson; it is not run -on any plan but its own. It has a plan of its own; and that plan is, to -find justice for both State and accused, no matter what happens to -be practice and custom in Europe or anywhere else.” (Great applause.) -“Silence! It has not been the custom of this court to imitate other -courts; it has not been the custom of this court to take shelter behind -the decisions of other courts, and we will not begin now. We will do -the best we can by the light that God has given us, and while this court -continues to have His approval, it will remain indifferent to what other -organizations may think of it.” (Applause.) “Gentlemen, I must have -order!--quiet yourselves! Mr. Allen, you will now proceed against the -prisoners one at a time. Go on with the case.” - -Allen was not at his ease. However, after whispering a moment with his -client and with one or two other people, he rose and said: - -“Your honor, I find it to be reported and believed that the accused are -able to act independently in many ways, but that this independence -does not extend to their legs, authority over their legs being vested -exclusively in the one brother during a specific term of days, and then -passing to the other brother for a like term, and so on, by regular -alternation. I could call witnesses who would prove that the accused had -revealed to them the existence of this extraordinary fact, and had also -made known which of them was in possession of the legs yesterday--and -this would, of course, indicate where the guilt of the assault -belongs--but as this would be mere hearsay evidence, these revelations -not having been made under oath--” - -“Never mind about that, Mr. Allen. It may not all be hearsay. We -shall see. It may at least help to put us on the right track. Call the -witnesses.” - -“Then I will call Mr. John Buckstone, who is now present, and I beg that -Mrs. Patsy Cooper may be sent for. Take the stand, Mr. Buckstone.” - -Buckstone took the oath, and then testified that on the previous evening -the Count Angelo Capello had protested against going to the hall, and -had called all present to witness that he was going by compulsion and -would not go if he could help himself. Also, that the Count Luigi had -replied sharply that he would go, just the same, and that he, Count -Luigi, would see to that himself. Also, that upon Count Angelo's -complaining about being kept on his legs so long, Count Luigi retorted -with apparent surprise, “Your legs!--I like your impudence!” - -“Now we are getting at the kernel of the thing,” observed the judge, -with grave and earnest satisfaction. “It looks as if the Count Luigi was -in possession of the battery at the time of the assault.” - -Nothing further was elicited from Mr. Buckstone on direct examination. -Mr. Wilson took the witness. - -“Mr. Buckstone, about what time was it that that conversation took -place?” - -“Toward nine yesterday evening, sir.” - -“Did you then proceed directly to the hall?” - -“Yes, sir.” - -“How long did it take you to go there?” - -“Well, we walked; and as it was from the extreme edge of the town, and -there was no hurry, I judge it took us about twenty minutes, maybe a -trifle more.” - -“About what hour was the kick delivered?” - -“About thirteen minutes and a half to ten.” - -“Admirable! You are a pattern witness, Mr. Buckstone. How did you happen -to look at your watch at that particular moment?” - -“I always do it when I see an assault. It's likely I shall be called as -a witness, and it's a good point to have.” - -“It would be well if others were as thoughtful. Was anything said, -between the conversation at my house and the assault, upon the detail -which we are now examining into?” - -“No, sir.” - -“If power over the mutual legs was in the possession of one brother at -nine, and passed into the possession of the other one during the next -thirty or forty minutes, do you think you could have detected the -change?” - -“By no means!” - -“That is all, Mr. Buckstone.” - -Mrs. Patsy Cooper was called. The crowd made way for her, and she came -smiling and bowing through the narrow human lane, with Betsy Hale, -as escort and support, smiling and bowing in her wake, the audience -breaking into welcoming cheers as the old favorites filed along. The -judge did not check this kindly demonstration of homage and affection, -but let it run its course unrebuked. - -The old ladies stopped and shook hands with the twins with effusion, -then gave the judge a friendly nod, and bustled into the seats provided -for them. They immediately began to deliver a volley of eager questions -at the friends around them: “What is this thing for?” “What is that -thing for?” “Who is that young man that's writing at the desk? Why, I -declare, it's Jack Bunce! I thought he was sick.” “Which is the jury? -Why, is that the jury? Billy Price and Job Turner, and Jack Lounsbury, -and--well, I never!” “Now who would ever 'a' thought--” - -But they were gently called to order at this point, and asked not to -talk in court. Their tongues fell silent, but the radiant interest in -their faces remained, and their gratitude for the blessing of a new -sensation and a novel experience still beamed undimmed from their eyes. -Aunt Patsy stood up and took the oath, and Mr. Allen explained the point -in issue, and asked her to go on now, in her own way, and throw as much -light upon it as she could. She toyed with her reticule a moment or two, -as if considering where to begin, then she said: - -“Well, the way of it is this. They are Luigi's legs a week at a time, -and then they are Angelo's, and he can do whatever he wants to with -them.” - -“You are making a mistake, Aunt Patsy Cooper,” said the judge. “You -shouldn't state that as a fact, because you don't know it to be a fact.” - -“What's the reason I don't?” said Aunt Patsy, bridling a little. - -“What is the reason that you do know it?” - -“The best in the world because they told me.” - -“That isn't a reason.” - -“Well, for the land's sake! Betsy Hale, do you hear that?” - -“Hear it? I should think so,” said Aunt Betsy, rising and facing the -court. “Why, Judge, I was there and heard it myself. Luigi says to -Angelo--no, it was Angelo said it to--” - -“Come, come, Mrs. Hale, pray sit down, and--” - -“Certainly, it's all right, I'm going to sit down presently, but not -until I've--” - -“But you must sit down!” - -“Must! Well, upon my word if things ain't getting to a pretty pass -when--” - -The house broke into laughter, but was promptly brought to order, and -meantime Mr. Allen persuaded the old lady to take her seat. Aunt Patsy -continued: - -“Yes, they told me that, and I know it's true. They're Luigi's legs this -week, but--” - -“Ah, they told you that, did they?” said the Justice, with interest. - -“Well, no, I don't know that they told me, but that's neither here nor -there. I know, without that, that at dinner yesterday, Angelo was as -tired as a dog, and yet Luigi wouldn't lend him the legs to go up-stairs -and take a nap with.” - -“Did he ask for them?” - -“Let me see--it seems to me, somehow, that--that--Aunt Betsy, do you -remember whether he--” - -“Never mind about what Aunt Betsy remembers--she is not a witness; we -only want to know what YOU remember yourself,” said the judge. - -“Well, it does seem to me that you are most cantankerously particular -about a little thing, Sim Robinson. Why, when I can't remember a thing -myself, I always--” - -“Ah, please go on!” - -“Now how can she when you keep fussing at her all the time?” said Aunt -Betsy. “Why, with a person pecking at me that way, I should get that -fuzzled and fuddled that--” - -She was on her feet again, but Allen coaxed her into her seat once more, -while the court squelched the mirth of the house. Then the judge said: - -“Madam, do you know--do you absolutely know, independently of anything -these gentlemen have told you--that the power over their legs passes -from the one to the other regularly every week?” - -“Regularly? Bless your heart, regularly ain't any name for the exactness -of it! All the big cities in Europe used to set the clocks by it.” - (Laughter, suppressed by the court.) - -“How do you know? That is the question. Please answer it plainly and -squarely.” - -“Don't you talk to me like that, Sim Robinson--I won't have it. How do I -know, indeed! How do YOU know what you know? Because somebody told you. -You didn't invent it out of your own head, did you? Why, these twins are -the truthfulest people in the world; and I don't think it becomes you -to sit up there and throw slurs at them when they haven't been doing -anything to you. And they are orphans besides--both of them. All--” - -But Aunt Betsy was up again now, and both old ladies were talking at -once and with all their might; but as the house was weltering in a -storm of laughter, and the judge was hammering his desk with an iron -paper-weight, one could only see them talk, not hear them. At last, when -quiet was restored, the court said: - -“Let the ladies retire.” - -“But, your honor, I have the right, in the interest of my clients,--to -cross-exam--” - -“You'll not need to exercise it, Mr. Wilson--the evidence is thrown -out.” - -“Thrown out!” said Aunt Patsy, ruffled; “and what's it thrown out for, -I'd like to know.” - -“And so would I, Patsy Cooper. It seems to me that if we can save these -poor persecuted strangers, it is our bounden duty to stand up here and -talk for them till--” - -“There, there, there, do sit down!” - -It cost some trouble and a good deal of coaxing, but they were got into -their seats at last. The trial was soon ended now. The twins themselves -became witnesses in their own defense. They established the fact, upon -oath, that the leg-power passed from one to the other every Saturday -night at twelve o'clock sharp. But on cross-examination their counsel -would not allow them to tell whose week of power the current week was. -The judge insisted upon their answering, and proposed to compel them, -but even the prosecution took fright and came to the rescue then, and -helped stay the sturdy jurist's revolutionary hand. So the case had to -go to the jury with that important point hanging in the air. They were -out an hour and brought in this verdict: - -“We the jury do find: 1, that an assault was committed, as charged; 2, -that it was committed by one of the persons accused, he having been seen -to do it by several credible witnesses; 3, but that his identity is so -merged in his brother's that we have not been able to tell which was -him. We cannot convict both, for only one is guilty. We cannot acquit -both, for only one is innocent. Our verdict is that justice has been -defeated by the dispensation of God, and ask to be discharged from -further duty.” - -This was read aloud in court and brought out a burst of hearty applause. -The old ladies made a spring at the twins, to shake and congratulate, -but were gently disengaged by Mr. Wilson and softly crowded back into -their places. - -The judge rose in his little tribune, laid aside his silver-bowed -spectacles, roached his gray hair up with his fingers, and said, with -dignity and solemnity, and even with a certain pathos: - -“In all my experience on the bench, I have not seen justice bow her -head in shame in this court until this day. You little realize what -far-reaching harm has just been wrought here under the fickle forms of -law. Imitation is the bane of courts--I thank God that this one is free -from the contamination of that vice--and in no long time you will -see the fatal work of this hour seized upon by profligate so-called -guardians of justice in all the wide circumstance of this planet and -perpetuated in their pernicious decisions. I wash my hands of this -iniquity. I would have compelled these culprits to expose their -guilt, but support failed me where I had most right to expect aid and -encouragement. And I was confronted by a law made in the interest of -crime, which protects the criminal from testifying against himself. -Yet I had precedents of my own whereby I had set aside that law on two -different occasions and thus succeeded in convicting criminals to -whose crimes there were no witnesses but themselves. What have -you accomplished this day? Do you realize it? You have set adrift, -unadmonished, in this community, two men endowed with an awful and -mysterious gift, a hidden and grisly power for evil--a power by which -each in his turn may commit crime after crime of the most heinous -character, and no man be able to tell which is the guilty or which the -innocent party in any case of them all. Look to your homes--look to your -property--look to your lives--for you have need! - -“Prisoners at the bar, stand up. Through suppression of evidence, a -jury of your--our--countrymen have been obliged to deliver a verdict -concerning your case which stinks to heaven with the rankness of its -injustice. By its terms you, the guilty one, go free with the innocent. -Depart in peace, and come no more! The costs devolve upon the outraged -plaintiff--another iniquity. The court stands dissolved.” - -Almost everybody crowded forward to overwhelm the twins and their -counsel with congratulations; but presently the two old aunties dug -the duplicates out and bore them away in triumph through the hurrahing -crowd, while lots of new friends carried Pudd'nhead Wilson off -tavern-ward to feast him and “wet down” his great and victorious entry -into the legal arena. To Wilson, so long familiar with neglect and -depreciation, this strange new incense of popularity and admiration -was as a fragrance blown from the fields of paradise. A happy man was -Wilson. - - - - -CHAPTER VI. THE AMAZING DUEL - - A deputation came in the evening and conferred upon Wilson the - welcome honor of a nomination for mayor; for the village has just - been converted into a city by charter. Tom skulks out of - challenging the twins. Judge Driscoll thereupon challenges Angelo - (accused by Tom of doing the kicking); he declines, but Luigi - accepts in his place against Angelo's timid protest. - -It was late Saturday night nearing eleven. - -The judge and his second found the rest of the war party at the further -end of the vacant ground, near the haunted house. Pudd'nhead Wilson -advanced to meet them, and said anxiously: - -“I must say a word in behalf of my principal's proxy, Count Luigi, to -whom you have kindly granted the privilege of fighting my principal's -battle for him. It is growing late, and Count Luigi is in great trouble -lest midnight shall strike before the finish.” - -“It is another testimony,” said Howard, approvingly. “That young man is -fine all through. He wishes to save his brother the sorrow of fighting -on the Sabbath, and he is right; it is the right and manly feeling and -does him credit. We will make all possible haste.” - -Wilson said: “There is also another reason--a consideration, in fact, -which deeply concerns Count Luigi himself. These twins have command -of their mutual legs turn about. Count Luigi is in command now; but at -midnight, possession will pass to my principal, Count Angelo, and--well, -you can foresee what will happen. He will march straight off the field, -and carry Luigi with him.” - -“Why! sure enough!” cried the judge, “we have heard something about that -extraordinary law of their being, already--nothing very definite, it is -true, as regards dates and durations of power, but I see it is definite -enough as regards to-night. Of course we must give Luigi every chance. -Omit all the ceremonial possible, gentlemen, and place us in position.” - -The seconds at once tossed up a coin; Howard won the choice. He placed -the judge sixty feet from the haunted house and facing it; Wilson -placed the twins within fifteen feet of the house and facing the -judge--necessarily. The pistol-case was opened and the long slim tubes -taken out; when the moonlight glinted from them a shiver went through -Angelo. The doctor was a fool, but a thoroughly well-meaning one, with -a kind heart and a sincere disposition to oblige, but along with it an -absence of tact which often hurt its effectiveness. He brought his box -of lint and bandages, and asked Angelo to feel and see how soft and -comfortable they were. Angelo's head fell over against Luigi's in a -faint, and precious time was lost in bringing him to; which provoked -Luigi into expressing his mind to the doctor with a good deal of vigor -and frankness. After Angelo came to he was still so weak that Luigi was -obliged to drink a stiff horn of brandy to brace him up. - -The seconds now stepped at once to their posts, halfway between the -combatants, one of them on each side of the line of fire. Wilson was to -count, very deliberately, “One-two-three-fire!--stop!” and the duelists -could bang away at any time they chose during that recitation, but not -after the last word. Angelo grew very nervous when he saw Wilson's hand -rising slowly into the air as a sign to make ready, and he leaned his -head against Luigi's and said: - -“Oh, please take me away from here, I can't stay, I know I can't!” - -“What in the world are you doing? Straighten up! What's the matter with -you?--you're in no danger--nobody's going to shoot at you. Straighten -up, I tell you!” - -Angelo obeyed, just in time to hear: - -“One--!” - -“Bang!” Just one report, and a little tuft of white hair floated slowly -to the judge's feet in the moonlight. The judge did not swerve; he still -stood erect and motionless, like a statue, with his pistol-arm hanging -straight down at his side. He was reserving his fire. - -“Two--!” - -“Three--“! - -“Fire--!” - -Up came the pistol-arm instantly-Angelo dodged with the report. He said -“Ouch!” and fainted again. - -The doctor examined and bandaged the wound. - -It was of no consequence, he said--bullet through fleshy part of -arm--no bones broken--the gentleman was still able to fight let the duel -proceed. - -Next time Angelo jumped just as Luigi fired, which disordered his aim -and caused him to cut a chip off of Howard's ear. The judge took his -time again, and when he fired Angelo jumped and got a knuckle skinned. -The doctor inspected and dressed the wounds. Angelo now spoke out -and said he was content with the satisfaction he had got, and if the -judge--but Luigi shut him roughly up, and asked him not to make an ass -of himself; adding: - -“And I want you to stop dodging. You take a great deal too prominent a -part in this thing for a person who has got nothing to do with it. You -should remember that you are here only by courtesy, and are without -official recognition; officially you are not here at all; officially you -do not even exist. To all intents and purposes you are absent from this -place, and you ought for your own modesty's sake to reflect that it -cannot become a person who is not present here to be taking this sort -of public and indecent prominence in a matter in which he is not in the -slightest degree concerned. Now, don't dodge again; the bullets are -not for you, they are for me; if I want them dodged I will attend to it -myself. I never saw a person act so.” - -Angelo saw the reasonableness of what his brother had said, and he did -try to reform, but it was of no use; both pistols went off at the same -instant, and he jumped once more; he got a sharp scrape along his cheek -from the judge's bullet, and so deflected Luigi's aim that his ball -went wide and chipped a flake of skin from Pudd'nhead Wilson's chin. The -doctor attended to the wounded. - -By the terms, the duel was over. But Luigi was entirely out of patience, -and begged for one more exchange of shots, insisting that he had had no -fair chance, on account of his brother's indelicate behavior. Howard was -opposed to granting so unusual a privilege, but the judge took Luigi's -part, and added that indeed he himself might fairly be considered -entitled to another trial, because although the proxy on the other side -was in no way to blame for his (the judge's) humiliatingly resultless -work, the gentleman with whom he was fighting this duel was to blame for -it, since if he had played no advantages and had held his head still, -his proxy would have been disposed of early. He added: - -“Count Luigi's request for another exchange is another proof that he is -a brave and chivalrous gentleman, and I beg that the courtesy he asks -may be accorded him.” - -“I thank you most sincerely for this generosity, Judge Driscoll,” said -Luigi, with a polite bow, and moving to his place. Then he added--to -Angelo, “Now hold your grip, hold your grip, I tell you, and I'll land -him sure!” - -The men stood erect, their pistol-arms at their sides, the two seconds -stood at their official posts, the doctor stood five paces in Wilson's -rear with his instruments and bandages in his hands. The deep stillness, -the peaceful moonlight, the motionless figures, made an impressive -picture and the impending fatal possibilities augmented -this impressiveness to solemnity. Wilson's hand began to -rise--slowly--slowly--higher--still higher--still higher--in another -moment: - -“Boom!” the first stroke of midnight swung up out of the distance; -Angelo was off like a deer! - -“Oh, you unspeakable traitor!” wailed his brother, as they went soaring -over the fence. - -The others stood astonished and gazing; and so stood, watching that -strange spectacle until distance dissolved it and swept it from their -view. Then they rubbed their eyes like people waking out of a dream. - -“Well, I've never seen anything like that before!” said the judge. -“Wilson, I am going to confess now, that I wasn't quite able to -believe in that leg business, and had a suspicion that it was a put-up -convenience between those twins; and when Count Angelo fainted I thought -I saw the whole scheme--thought it was pretext No. 1, and would be -followed by others till twelve o'clock should arrive, and Luigi would -get off with all the credit of seeming to want to fight and yet not have -to fight, after all. But I was mistaken. His pluck proved it. He's a -brave fellow and did want to fight.” - -“There isn't any doubt about that,” said Howard, and added, in a grieved -tone, “but what an unworthy sort of Christian that Angelo is--I hope and -believe there are not many like him. It is not right to engage in a duel -on the Sabbath--I could not approve of that myself; but to finish one -that has been begun--that is a duty, let the day be what it may.” - -They strolled along, still wondering, still talking. - -“It is a curious circumstance,” remarked the surgeon, halting Wilson a -moment to paste some more court-plaster on his chin, which had gone -to leaking blood again, “that in this duel neither of the parties who -handled the pistols lost blood while nearly all the persons present in -the mere capacity of guests got hit. I have not heard of such a thing -before. Don't you think it unusual?” - -“Yes,” said the Judge, “it has struck me as peculiar. Peculiar and -unfortunate. I was annoyed at it, all the time. In the case of Angelo it -made no great difference, because he was in a measure concerned, though -not officially; but it troubled me to see the seconds compromised, and -yet I knew no way to mend the matter. - -“There was no way to mend it,” said Howard, whose ear was being -readjusted now by the doctor; “the code fixes our place, and it would -not have been lawful to change it. If we could have stood at your -side, or behind you, or in front of you, it--but it would not have been -legitimate and the other parties would have had a just right to complain -of our trying to protect ourselves from danger; infractions of the code -are certainly not permissible in any case whatever.” - -Wilson offered no remarks. It seemed to him that there was very little -place here for so much solemnity, but he judged that if a duel where -nobody was in danger or got crippled but the seconds and the outsiders -had nothing ridiculous about it for these gentlemen, his pointing out -that feature would probably not help them to see it. - -He invited them in to take a nightcap, and Howard and the judge -accepted, but the doctor said he would have to go and see how Angelo's -principal wound was getting on. - - [It was now Sunday, and in the afternoon Angelo was to be received - into the Baptist communion by immersion--a doubtful prospect, the - doctor feared.] - - - - - -CHAPTER VII. LUIGI DEFIES GALEN - -When the doctor arrived at Aunt Patsy Cooper's house, he found the -lights going and everybody up and dressed and in a great state of -solicitude and excitement. The twins were stretched on a sofa in the -sitting-room, Aunt Patsy was fussing at Angelo's arm, Nancy was flying -around under her commands, the two young boys were trying to keep out -of the way and always getting in it, in order to see and wonder, Rowena -stood apart, helpless with apprehension and emotion, and Luigi was -growling in unappeasable fury over Angelo's shameful flight. - -As has been reported before, the doctor was a fool--a kind-hearted and -well-meaning one, but with no tact; and as he was by long odds the most -learned physician in the town, and was quite well aware of it, and could -talk his learning with ease and precision, and liked to show off when he -had an audience, he was sometimes tempted into revealing more of a case -than was good for the patient. - -He examined Angelo's wound, and was really minded to say nothing for -once; but Aunt Patsy was so anxious and so pressing that he allowed his -caution to be overcome, and proceeded to empty himself as follows, with -scientific relish: - -“Without going too much into detail, madam--for you would probably -not understand it, anyway--I concede that great care is going to be -necessary here; otherwise exudation of the esophagus is nearly sure to -ensue, and this will be followed by ossification and extradition of the -maxillaris superioris, which must decompose the granular surfaces of the -great infusorial ganglionic system, thus obstructing the action of the -posterior varioloid arteries, and precipitating compound strangulated -sorosis of the valvular tissues, and ending unavoidably in the -dispersion and combustion of the marsupial fluxes and the consequent -embrocation of the bicuspid populo redax referendum rotulorum.” - -A miserable silence followed. Aunt Patsy's heart sank, the pallor of -despair invaded her face, she was not able to speak; poor Rowena wrung -her hands in privacy and silence, and said to herself in the bitterness -of her young grief, “There is no hope--it is plain there is no hope”; -the good-hearted negro wench, Nancy, paled to chocolate, then to orange, -then to amber, and thought to herself with yearning sympathy and sorrow, -“Po' thing, he ain' gwyne to las' throo de half o' dat”; small Henry -choked up, and turned his head away to hide his rising tears, and his -brother Joe said to himself, with a sense of loss, “The baptizing's -busted, that's sure.” Luigi was the only person who had any heart to -speak. He said, a little bit sharply, to the doctor: - -“Well, well, there's nothing to be gained by wasting precious time; give -him a barrel of pills--I'll take them for him.” - -“You?” asked the doctor. - -“Yes. Did you suppose he was going to take them himself?” - -“Why, of course.” - -“Well, it's a mistake. He never took a dose of medicine in his life. He -can't.” - -“Well, upon my word, it's the most extraordinary thing I ever heard of!” - -“Oh,” said Aunt Patsy, as pleased as a mother whose child is being -admired and wondered at; “you'll find that there's more about them -that's wonderful than their just being made in the image of God like the -rest of His creatures, now you can depend on that, I tell you,” and she -wagged her complacent head like one who could reveal marvelous things if -she chose. - -The boy Joe began: - -“Why, ma, they ain't made in the im--” - -“You shut up, and wait till you're asked, Joe. I'll let you know when I -want help. Are you looking for something, doctor?” - -The doctor asked for a few sheets of paper and a pen, and said he would -write a prescription; which he did. It was one of Galen's; in fact, it -was Galen's favorite, and had been slaying people for sixteen thousand -years. Galen used it for everything, applied it to everything, said it -would remove everything, from warts all the way through to lungs and it -generally did. Galen was still the only medical authority recognized -in Missouri; his practice was the only practice known to the Missouri -doctors, and his prescriptions were the only ammunition they carried -when they went out for game. - -By and by Dr. Claypool laid down his pen and read the result of his -labors aloud, carefully and deliberately, for this battery must be -constructed on the premises by the family, and mistakes could occur; for -he wrote a doctor's hand--the hand which from the beginning of time -has been so disastrous to the apothecary and so profitable to the -undertaker: - -“Take of afarabocca, henbane, corpobalsamum, each two drams and a half; -of cloves, opium, myrrh, cyperus, each two drams; of opobalsamum, Indian -leaf, cinnamon, zedoary, ginger, coftus, coral, cassia, euphorbium, -gum tragacanth, frankincense, styrax calamita, Celtic, nard, spignel, -hartwort, mustard, saxifrage, dill, anise, each one dram; of xylaloes, -rheum ponticum, alipta, moschata, castor, spikenard, galangals, -opoponax, anacardium, mastich, brimstone, peony, eringo, pulp of dates, -red and white hermodactyls, roses, thyme, acorns, pennyroyal, gentian, -the bark of the root of mandrake, germander, valerian, bishop's-weed, -bayberries, long and white pepper, xylobalsamum, carnabadium, -macedonian, parsley seeds, lovage, the seeds of rue, and sinon, of each -a dram and a half; of pure gold, pure silver, pearls not perforated, the -blatta byzantina, the bone of the stag's heart, of each the quantity of -fourteen grains of wheat; of sapphire, emerald and jasper stones, each -one dram; of hazel-nuts, two drams; of pellitory of Spain, shavings -of ivory, calamus odoratus, each the quantity of twenty-nine grains of -wheat; of honey or sugar a sufficient quantity. Boil down and skim off.” - -“There,” he said, “that will fix the patient; give his brother a -dipperful every three-quarters of an hour--” - -“--while he survives,” muttered Luigi-- - -“--and see that the room is kept wholesomely hot, and the doors and -windows closed tight. Keep Count Angelo nicely covered up with six -or seven blankets, and when he is thirsty--which will be -frequently--moisten a rag in the vapor of the tea kettle and let his -brother suck it. When he is hungry--which will also be frequently--he -must not be humored oftener than every seven or eight hours; then toast -part of a cracker until it begins to brown, and give it to his brother.” - -“That is all very well, as far as Angelo is concerned,” said Luigi, “but -what am I to eat?” - -“I do not see that there is anything the matter with you,” the doctor -answered, “you may, of course, eat what you please.” - -“And also drink what I please, I suppose?” - -“Oh, certainly--at present. When the violent and continuous perspiring -has reduced your strength, I shall have to reduce your diet, of course, -and also bleed you, but there is no occasion for that yet awhile.” He -turned to Aunt Patsy and said: “He must be put to bed, and sat up with, -and tended with the greatest care, and not allowed to stir for several -days and nights.” - -“For one, I'm sacredly thankful for that,” said Luigi, “it postpones the -funeral--I'm not to be drowned to-day, anyhow.” - -Angelo said quietly to the doctor: - -“I will cheerfully submit to all your requirements, sir, up to two -o'clock this afternoon, and will resume them after three, but cannot be -confined to the house during that intermediate hour.” - -“Why, may I ask?” - -“Because I have entered the Baptist communion, and by appointment am to -be baptised in the river at that hour.” - -“Oh, insanity!--it cannot be allowed!” - -Angelo answered with placid firmness: - -“Nothing shall prevent it, if I am alive.” - -“Why, consider, my dear sir, in your condition it might prove fatal.” - -A tender and ecstatic smile beamed from Angelo's eyes, and he broke -forth in a tone of joyous fervency: - -“Ah, how blessed it would be to die for such a cause--it would be -martyrdom!” - -“But your brother--consider your brother; you would be risking his life, -too.” - -“He risked mine an hour ago,” responded Angelo, gloomily; “did he -consider me?” A thought swept through his mind that made him shudder. -“If I had not run, I might have been killed in a duel on the Sabbath -day, and my soul would have been lost--lost.” - -“Oh, don't fret, it wasn't in any danger,” said Luigi, irritably; “they -wouldn't waste it for a little thing like that; there's a glass case all -ready for it in the heavenly museum, and a pin to stick it up with.” - -Aunt Patsy was shocked, and said: - -“Looy, Looy!--don't talk so, dear!” - -Rowena's soft heart was pierced by Luigi's unfeeling words, and she -murmured to herself, “Oh, if I but had the dear privilege of protecting -and defending him with my weak voice!--but alas! this sweet boon is -denied me by the cruel conventions of social intercourse.” - -“Get their bed ready,” said Aunt Patsy to Nancy, “and shut up the -windows and doors, and light their candles, and see that you drive all -the mosquitoes out of their bar, and make up a good fire in their stove, -and carry up some bags of hot ashes to lay to his feet--” - -“--and a shovel of fire for his head, and a mustard plaster for his -neck, and some gum shoes for his ears,” Luigi interrupted, with temper; -and added, to himself, “Damnation, I'm going to be roasted alive, I just -know it!” - -“Why, Looy! Do be quiet; I never saw such a fractious thing. A body -would think you didn't care for your brother.” - -“I don't--to that extent, Aunt Patsy. I was glad the drowning was -postponed a minute ago, but I'm not now. No, that is all gone by; I want -to be drowned.” - -“You'll bring a judgment on yourself just as sure as you live, if you -go on like that. Why, I never heard the beat of it. Now, there--there! -you've said enough. Not another word out of you--I won't have it!” - -“But, Aunt Patsy--” - -“Luigi! Didn't you hear what I told you?” - -“But, Aunt Patsy, I--why, I'm not going to set my heart and lungs afloat -in that pail of sewage which this criminal here has been prescri--” - -“Yes, you are, too. You are going to be good, and do everything I tell -you, like a dear,” and she tapped his cheek affectionately with her -finger. “Rowena, take the prescription and go in the kitchen and hunt up -the things and lay them out for me. I'll sit up with my patient the rest -of the night, doctor; I can't trust Nancy, she couldn't make Luigi take -the medicine. Of course, you'll drop in again during the day. Have you -got any more directions?” - -“No, I believe not, Aunt Patsy. If I don't get in earlier, I'll be along -by early candle-light, anyway. Meantime, don't allow him to get out of -his bed.” - -Angelo said, with calm determination: - -“I shall be baptized at two o'clock. Nothing but death shall prevent -me.” - -The doctor said nothing aloud, but to himself he said: - -“Why, this chap's got a manly side, after all! Physically he's a coward, -but morally he's a lion. I'll go and tell the others about this; it will -raise him a good deal in their estimation--and the public will follow -their lead, of course.” - -Privately, Aunt Patsy applauded too, and was proud of Angelo's courage -in the moral field as she was of Luigi's in the field of honor. - -The boy Henry was troubled, but the boy Joe said, inaudibly, and -gratefully, “We're all honky, after all; and no postponement on account -of the weather.” - - - - -CHAPTER VIII. BAPTISM OF THE BETTER HALF - -By nine o'clock the town was humming with the news of the midnight duel, -and there were but two opinions about it: one, that Luigi's pluck in -the field was most praiseworthy and Angelo's flight most scandalous; the -other, that Angelo's courage in flying the field for conscience' sake -was as fine and creditable as was Luigi's in holding the field in the -face of the bullets. The one opinion was held by half of the town, the -other one was maintained by the other half. The division was clean and -exact, and it made two parties, an Angelo party and a Luigi party. The -twins had suddenly become popular idols along with Pudd'nhead Wilson, -and haloed with a glory as intense as his. The children talked the duel -all the way to Sunday-school, their elders talked it all the way to -church, the choir discussed it behind their red curtain, it usurped the -place of pious thought in the “nigger gallery.” - -By noon the doctor had added the news, and spread it, that Count Angelo, -in spite of his wound and all warnings and supplications, was resolute -in his determination to be baptized at the hour appointed. This swept -the town like wildfire, and mightily reinforced the enthusiasm of the -Angelo faction, who said, “If any doubted that it was moral courage that -took him from the field, what have they to say now!” - -Still the excitement grew. All the morning it was traveling countryward, -toward all points of the compass; so, whereas before only the farmers -and their wives were intending to come and witness the remarkable -baptism, a general holiday was now proclaimed and the children and -negroes admitted to the privileges of the occasion. All the farms for -ten miles around were vacated, all the converging roads emptied long -processions of wagons, horses, and yeomanry into the town. The pack -and cram of people vastly exceeded any that had ever been seen in that -sleepy region before. The only thing that had ever even approached it, -was the time long gone by, but never forgotten, nor even referred to -without wonder and pride, when two circuses and a Fourth of July fell -together. But the glory of that occasion was extinguished now for good. -It was but a freshet to this deluge. - -The great invasion massed itself on the river-bank and waited hungrily -for the immense event. Waited, and wondered if it would really happen, -or if the twin who was not a “professor” would stand out and prevent it. - -But they were not to be disappointed. Angelo was as good as his word. He -came attended by an escort of honor composed of several hundred of -the best citizens, all of the Angelo party; and when the immersion was -finished they escorted him back home and would even have carried him on -their shoulders, but that people might think they were carrying Luigi. - -Far into the night the citizens continued to discuss and wonder over the -strangely mated pair of incidents that had distinguished and exalted -the past twenty-four hours above any other twenty-four in the history -of their town for picturesqueness and splendid interest; and long before -the lights were out and burghers asleep it had been decided on all hands -that in capturing these twins Dawson's Landing had drawn a prize in the -great lottery of municipal fortune. - -At midnight Angelo was sleeping peacefully. His immersion had not harmed -him, it had merely made him wholesomely drowsy, and he had been dead -asleep many hours now. It had made Luigi drowsy, too, but he had got -only brief naps, on account of his having to take the medicine every -three-quarters of an hour-and Aunt Betsy Hale was there to see that he -did it. When he complained and resisted, she was quietly firm with him, -and said in a low voice: - -“No-no, that won't do; you mustn't talk, and you mustn't retch and gag -that way, either--you'll wake up your poor brother.” - -“Well, what of it, Aunt Betsy, he--” - -“'Sh-h! Don't make a noise dear. You mustn't forget that your poor -brother is sick and--” - -“Sick, is he? Well, I wish I--” - -“'Sh-h-h! Will you be quiet, Luigi! Here, now, take the rest of -it--don't keep me holding the dipper all night. I declare if you haven't -left a good fourth of it in the bottom! Come--that's a good-- - -“Aunt Betsy, don't make me! I feel like I've swallowed a cemetery; I do, -indeed. Do let me rest a little--just a little; I can't take any more of -the devilish stuff now.” - -“Luigi! Using such language here, and him just baptized! Do you want the -roof to fall on you?” - -“I wish to goodness it would!” - -“Why, you dreadful thing! I've a good notion to--let that blanket alone; -do you want your brother to catch his death?” - -“Aunt Betsy, I've got to have it off, I'm being roasted alive; nobody -could stand it--you couldn't yourself.” - -“Now, then, you're sneezing again--I just expected it.” - -“Because I've caught a cold in my head. I always do, when I go in the -water with my clothes on. And it takes me weeks to get over it, too. I -think it was a shame to serve me so.” - -“Luigi, you are unreasonable; you know very well they couldn't baptize -him dry. I should think you would be willing to undergo a little -inconvenience for your brother's sake.” - -“Inconvenience! Now how you talk, Aunt Betsy. I came as near as -anything to getting drowned you saw that yourself; and do you call this -inconvenience?--the room shut up as tight as a drum, and so hot the -mosquitoes are trying to get out; and a cold in the head, and dying for -sleep and no chance to get any--on account of this infamous medicine -that that assassin prescri--” - -“There, you're sneezing again. I'm going down and mix some more of this -truck for you, dear.” - - - - -CHAPTER IX. THE DRINKLESS DRUNK - -During Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday the twins grew steadily worse; but -then the doctor was summoned South to attend his mother's funeral, -and they got well in forty-eight hours. They appeared on the street on -Friday, and were welcomed with enthusiasm by the new-born parties, the -Luigi and Angelo factions. The Luigi faction carried its strength into -the Democratic party, the Angelo faction entered into a combination with -the Whigs. The Democrats nominated Luigi for alderman under the new -city government, and the Whigs put up Angelo against him. The Democrats -nominated Pudd'nhead Wilson for mayor, and he was left alone in this -glory, for the Whigs had no man who was willing to enter the lists -against such a formidable opponent. No politician had scored such a -compliment as this before in the history of the Mississippi Valley. - -The political campaign in Dawson's Landing opened in a pretty warm -fashion, and waxed hotter every week. Luigi's whole heart was in it, and -even Angelo developed a surprising amount of interest-which was -natural, because he was not merely representing Whigism, a matter of no -consequence to him; but he was representing something immensely finer -and greater--to wit, Reform. In him was centered the hopes of the whole -reform element of the town; he was the chosen and admired champion of -every clique that had a pet reform of any sort or kind at heart. He -was president of the great Teetotalers' Union, its chiefest prophet and -mouthpiece. - -But as the canvass went on, troubles began to spring up all -around--troubles for the twins, and through them for all the parties and -segments and fractions of parties. Whenever Luigi had possession of the -legs, he carried Angelo to balls, rum shops, Sons of Liberty parades, -horse-races, campaign riots, and everywhere else that could damage him -with his party and the church; and when it was Angelo's week he carried -Luigi diligently to all manner of moral and religious gatherings, doing -his best to regain the ground he had lost before. As a result of -these double performances, there was a storm blowing all the time, an -ever-rising storm, too--a storm of frantic criticism of the twins, and -rage over their extravagant, incomprehensible conduct. - -Luigi had the final chance. The legs were his for the closing week of -the canvass. He led his brother a fearful dance. - -But he saved his best card for the very eve of the election. There was -to be a grand turnout of the Teetotalers' Union that day, and Angelo -was to march at the head of the procession and deliver a great oration -afterward. Luigi drank a couple of glasses of whisky--which steadied his -nerves and clarified his mind, but made Angelo drunk. Everybody who saw -the march, saw that the Champion of the Teetotalers was half seas over, -and noted also that his brother, who made no hypocritical pretensions -to extra temperance virtues, was dignified and sober. This eloquent fact -could not be unfruitful at the end of a hot political canvass. At the -mass-meeting Angelo tried to make his great temperance oration, but was -so discommoded--by hiccoughs and thickness of tongue that he had to give -it up; then drowsiness overtook him and his head drooped against Luigi's -and he went to sleep. Luigi apologized for him, and was going on to -improve his opportunity with an appeal for a moderation of what he -called “the prevailing teetotal madness,” but persons in the audience -began to howl and throw things at him, and then the meeting rose in -wrath and chased him home. - -This episode was a crusher for Angelo in another way. It destroyed his -chances with Rowena. Those chances had been growing, right along, for -two months. Rowena had partly confessed that she loved him, but wanted -time to consider. Now the tender dream was ended, and she told him so -the moment he was sober enough to understand. She said she would never -marry a man who drank. - -“But I don't drink,” he pleaded. - -“That is nothing to the point,” she said, coldly, “you get drunk, and -that is worse.” - -[There was a long and sufficiently idiotic discussion here, which ended -as reported in a previous note.] - - - - -CHAPTER X. SO THEY HANGED LUIGI - -Dawson's Landing had a week of repose, after the election, and it needed -it, for the frantic and variegated nightmare which had tormented it all -through the preceding week had left it limp, haggard, and exhausted at -the end. It got the week of repose because Angelo had the legs, and -was in too subdued a condition to want to go out and mingle with an -irritated community that had come to distrust and detest him because -there was such a lack of harmony between his morals, which were -confessedly excellent, and his methods of illustrating them, which -were distinctly damnable. The new city officers were sworn in on the -following Monday--at least all but Luigi. There was a complication in -his case. His election was conceded, but he could not sit in the board -of aldermen without his brother, and his brother could not sit there -because he was not a member. There seemed to be no way out of the -difficulty but to carry the matter into the courts, so this was resolved -upon. - -The case was set for the Monday fortnight. In due course the time -arrived. In the mean time the city government had been at a standstill, -because without Luigi there was a tie in the board of aldermen, whereas -with him the liquor interest--the richest in the political field--would -have one majority. But the court decided that Angelo could not sit in -the board with him, either in public or executive sessions, and at the -same time forbade the board to deny admission to Luigi, a fairly and -legally chosen alderman. The case was carried up and up from court to -court, yet still the same old original decision was confirmed every -time. As a result, the city government not only stood still, with its -hands tied, but everything it was created to protect and care for went a -steady gait toward rack and ruin. There was no way to levy a tax, so the -minor officials had to resign or starve; therefore they resigned. There -being no city money, the enormous legal expenses on both sides had to be -defrayed by private subscription. But at last the people came to their -senses, and said: - -“Pudd'nhead was right at the start--we ought to have hired the official -half of that human phillipene to resign; but it's too late now; some of -us haven't got anything left to hire him with.” - -“Yes, we have,” said another citizen, “we've got this”--and he produced -a halter. - -Many shouted: “That's the ticket.” But others said: “No--Count Angelo is -innocent; we mustn't hang him.” - -“Who said anything about hanging him? We are only going to hang the -other one.” - -“Then that is all right--there is no objection to that.” - -So they hanged Luigi. And so ends the history of “Those Extraordinary -Twins.” - - - - -FINAL REMARKS - -As you see, it was an extravagant sort of a tale, and had no purpose but -to exhibit that monstrous “freak” in all sorts of grotesque lights. But -when Roxy wandered into the tale she had to be furnished with something -to do; so she changed the children in the cradle; this necessitated -the invention of a reason for it; this, in turn, resulted in making the -children prominent personages--nothing could prevent it of course. Their -career began to take a tragic aspect, and some one had to be brought -in to help work the machinery; so Pudd'nhead Wilson was introduced and -taken on trial. By this time the whole show was being run by the -new people and in their interest, and the original show was become -side-tracked and forgotten; the twin-monster, and the heroine, and the -lads, and the old ladies had dwindled to inconsequentialities and were -merely in the way. Their story was one story, the new people's story -was another story, and there was no connection between them, no -interdependence, no kinship. It is not practicable or rational to try to -tell two stories at the same time; so I dug out the farce and left the -tragedy. - -The reader already knew how the expert works; he knows now how the other -kind do it. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Those Extraordinary Twins - -Author: Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) - -Release Date: April, 2002 [Etext #3185] -Last Updated: February 24, 2018 - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THOSE EXTRAORDINARY TWINS *** - - - -Produced by David Widger - - - - - - -</pre> - - <h1> - THOSE EXTRAORDINARY TWINS - </h1> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <h2> - by Mark Twain - </h2> - <p> - <br /> <br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <br /> <br /> - </p> - <h2> - Contents - </h2> - <table summary=""> - <tr> - <td> - <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I. </a> - </td> - <td> - THE TWINS AS THEY REALLY WERE - </td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td> - <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II. </a> - </td> - <td> - MA COOPER GETS ALL MIXED UP - </td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td> - <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III. </a> - </td> - <td> - ANGELO IS BLUE - </td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td> - <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV. </a> - </td> - <td> - SUPERNATURAL CHRONOMETRY - </td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td> - <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V. </a> - </td> - <td> - GUILT AND INNOCENCE FINELY BLENT - </td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td> - <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI. </a> - </td> - <td> - THE AMAZING DUEL - </td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td> - <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII. </a> - </td> - <td> - LUIGI DEFIES GALEN - </td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td> - <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII. </a> - </td> - <td> - BAPTISM OF THE BETTER HALF - </td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td> - <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX. </a> - </td> - <td> - THE DRINKLESS DRUNK - </td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td> - <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X. </a> - </td> - <td> - SO THEY HANGED LUIGI - </td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td> - <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> FINAL REMARKS. </a> - </td> - <td> - - </td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td> - </td> - </tr> - </table> - <p> - <br /> <br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <br /> <br /> - </p> - <p> - A man who is not born with the novel-writing gift has a troublesome time - of it when he tries to build a novel. I know this from experience. He has - no clear idea of his story; in fact he has no story. He merely has some - people in his mind, and an incident or two, also a locality. He knows - these people, he knows the selected locality, and he trusts that he can - plunge those people into those incidents with interesting results. So he - goes to work. To write a novel? No—that is a thought which comes - later; in the beginning he is only proposing to tell a little tale; a very - little tale; a six-page tale. But as it is a tale which he is not - acquainted with, and can only find out what it is by listening as it goes - along telling itself, it is more than apt to go on and on and on till it - spreads itself into a book. I know about this, because it has happened to - me so many times. - </p> - <p> - And I have noticed another thing: that as the short tale grows into a long - tale, the original intention (or motif) is apt to get abolished and find - itself superseded by a quite different one. It was so in the case of a - magazine sketch which I once started to write—a funny and fantastic - sketch about a prince and a pauper; it presently assumed a grave cast of - its own accord, and in that new shape spread itself out into a book. Much - the same thing happened with “Pudd'nhead Wilson.” I had a sufficiently - hard time with that tale, because it changed itself from a farce to a - tragedy while I was going along with it—a most embarrassing - circumstance. But what was a great deal worse was, that it was not one - story, but two stories tangled together; and they obstructed and - interrupted each other at every turn and created no end of confusion and - annoyance. I could not offer the book for publication, for I was afraid it - would unseat the reader's reason. I did not know what was the matter with - it, for I had not noticed, as yet, that it was two stories in one. It took - me months to make that discovery. I carried the manuscript back and forth - across the Atlantic two or three times, and read it and studied over it on - shipboard; and at last I saw where the difficulty lay. I had no further - trouble. I pulled one of the stories out by the roots, and left the other - one—a kind of literary Caesarean operation. - </p> - <p> - Would the reader care to know something about the story which I pulled - out? He has been told many a time how the born-and-trained novelist works. - Won't he let me round and complete his knowledge by telling him how the - jack-leg does it? - </p> - <p> - Originally the story was called “Those Extraordinary Twins.” I meant to - make it very short. I had seen a picture of a youthful Italian “freak” or - “freaks” which was—or which were—on exhibition in our cities—a - combination consisting of two heads and four arms joined to a single body - and a single pair of legs—and I thought I would write an - extravagantly fantastic little story with this freak of nature for hero—or - heroes—a silly young miss for heroine, and two old ladies and two - boys for the minor parts. I lavishly elaborated these people and their - doings, of course. But the tale kept spreading along, and spreading along, - and other people got to intruding themselves and taking up more and more - room with their talk and their affairs. Among them came a stranger named - Pudd'nhead Wilson, and a woman named Roxana; and presently the doings of - these two pushed up into prominence a young fellow named Tom Driscoll, - whose proper place was away in the obscure background. Before the book was - half finished those three were taking things almost entirely into their - own hands and working the whole tale as a private venture of their own—a - tale which they had nothing at all to do with, by rights. - </p> - <p> - When the book was finished and I came to look around to see what had - become of the team I had originally started out with—Aunt Patsy - Cooper, Aunt Betsy Hale, the two boys, and Rowena the light-weight heroine—they - were nowhere to be seen; they had disappeared from the story some time or - other. I hunted about and found them—found them stranded, idle, - forgotten, and permanently useless. It was very awkward. It was awkward - all around; but more particularly in the case of Rowena, because there was - a love-match on, between her and one of the twins that constituted the - freak, and I had worked it up to a blistering heat and thrown in a quite - dramatic love-quarrel, wherein Rowena scathingly denounced her betrothed - for getting drunk, and scoffed at his explanation of how it had happened, - and wouldn't listen to it, and had driven him from her in the usual - “forever” way; and now here she sat crying and broken-hearted; for she had - found that he had spoken only the truth; that it was not he, but the other - half of the freak, that had drunk the liquor that made him drunk; that her - half was a prohibitionist and had never drunk a drop in his life, and, - although tight as a brick three days in the week, was wholly innocent of - blame; and indeed, when sober, was constantly doing all he could to reform - his brother, the other half, who never got any satisfaction out of - drinking, anyway, because liquor never affected him. Yes, here she was, - stranded with that deep injustice of hers torturing her poor torn heart. - </p> - <p> - I didn't know what to do with her. I was as sorry for her as anybody could - be, but the campaign was over, the book was finished, she was sidetracked, - and there was no possible way of crowding her in, anywhere. I could not - leave her there, of course; it would not do. After spreading her out so, - and making such a to-do over her affairs, it would be absolutely necessary - to account to the reader for her. I thought and thought and studied and - studied; but I arrived at nothing. I finally saw plainly that there was - really no way but one—I must simply give her the grand bounce. It - grieved me to do it, for after associating with her so much I had come to - kind of like her after a fashion, notwithstanding she was such an ass and - said such stupid irritating things and was so nauseatingly sentimental. - Still it had to be done. So, at the top of Chapter XVII, I put in a - “Calendar” remark concerning July the Fourth, and began the chapter with - this statistic: - </p> - <p> - “Rowena went out in the back yard after supper to see the fireworks and - fell down the well and got drowned.” - </p> - <p> - It seemed abrupt, but I thought maybe the reader wouldn't notice it, - because I changed the subject right away to something else. Anyway it - loosened up Rowena from where she was stuck and got her out of the way, - and that was the main thing. It seemed a prompt good way of weeding out - people that had got stalled, and a plenty good enough way for those - others; so I hunted up the two boys and said “they went out back one night - to stone the cat and fell down the well and got drowned.” Next I searched - around and found old Aunt Patsy Cooper and Aunt Betsy Hale where they were - aground, and said “they went out back one night to visit the sick and fell - down the well and got drowned.” I was going to drown some of the others, - but I gave up the idea, partly because I believed that if I kept that up - it would arouse attention, and perhaps sympathy with those people, and - partly because it was not a large well and would not hold any more anyway. - </p> - <p> - Still the story was unsatisfactory. Here was a set of new characters who - were become inordinately prominent and who persisted in remaining so to - the end; and back yonder was an older set who made a large noise and a - great to-do for a little while and then suddenly played out utterly and - fell down the well. There was a radical defect somewhere, and I must - search it out and cure it. - </p> - <p> - The defect turned out to be the one already spoken of—two stories in - one, a farce and a tragedy. So I pulled out the farce and left the - tragedy. This left the original team in, but only as mere names, not as - characters. Their prominence was wholly gone; they were not even worth - drowning; so I removed that detail. Also I took those twins apart and made - two separate men of them. They had no occasion to have foreign names now, - but it was too much trouble to remove them all through, so I left them - christened as they were and made no explanation. - </p> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> - <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER I. THE TWINS AS THEY REALLY WERE - </h2> - <p> - The conglomerate twins were brought on the stage in Chapter I of the - original extravaganza. Aunt Patsy Cooper has received their letter - applying for board and lodging, and Rowena, her daughter, insane with joy, - is begging for a hearing of it: - </p> - <p> - “Well, set down then, and be quiet a minute and don't fly around so; it - fairly makes me tired to see you. It starts off so: 'HONORED MADAM'—” - </p> - <p> - “I like that, ma, don't you? It shows they're high-bred.” - </p> - <p> - “Yes, I noticed that when I first read it. 'My brother and I have seen - your advertisement, by chance, in a copy of your local journal—' - </p> - <p> - “It's so beautiful and smooth, ma-don't you think so?” - </p> - <p> - “Yes, seems so to me—'and beg leave to take the room you offer. We - are twenty-four years of age, and twins—'” - </p> - <p> - “Twins! How sweet! I do hope they are handsome, and I just know they are! - Don't you hope they are, ma?” - </p> - <p> - “Land, I ain't particular. 'We are Italians by birth—'” - </p> - <p> - “It's so romantic! Just think there's never been one in this town, and - everybody will want to see them, and they're all ours! Think of that!” - </p> - <p> - “—'but have lived long in the various countries of Europe, and - several years in the United States.'” - </p> - <p> - “Oh, just think what wonders they've seen, ma! Won't it be good to hear - them talk?” - </p> - <p> - “I reckon so; yes, I reckon so. 'Our names are Luigi and Angelo Capello—'” - </p> - <p> - “Beautiful, perfectly beautiful! Not like Jones and Robinson and those - horrible names.” - </p> - <p> - “'You desire but one guest, but dear madam, if you will allow us to pay - for two we will not discommode you. We will sleep together in the same - bed. We have always been used to this, and prefer it.' And then he goes on - to say they will be down Thursday.” - </p> - <p> - “And this is Tuesday—I don't know how I'm ever going to wait, ma! - The time does drag along so, and I'm so dying to see them! Which of them - do you reckon is the tallest, ma?” - </p> - <p> - “How do you s'pose I can tell, child? Mostly they are the same size-twins - are.” - </p> - <p> - “'Well then, which do you reckon is the best looking?” - </p> - <p> - “Goodness knows—I don't.” - </p> - <p> - “I think Angelo is; it's the prettiest name, anyway. Don't you think it's - a sweet name, ma?” - </p> - <p> - “Yes, it's well enough. I'd like both of them better if I knew the way to - pronounce them—the Eyetalian way, I mean. The Missouri way and the - Eyetalian way is different, I judge.” - </p> - <p> - “Maybe—yes. It's Luigi that writes the letter. What do you reckon is - the reason Angelo didn't write it?” - </p> - <p> - “Why, how can I tell? What's the difference who writes it, so long as it's - done?” - </p> - <p> - “Oh, I hope it wasn't because he is sick! You don't think he is sick, do - you, ma?” - </p> - <p> - “Sick your granny; what's to make him sick?” - </p> - <p> - “Oh, there's never any telling. These foreigners with that kind of names - are so delicate, and of course that kind of names are not suited to our - climate—you wouldn't expect it.” - </p> - <p> - [And so-on and so-on, no end. The time drags along; Thursday comes: the - boat arrives in a pouring storm toward midnight.] - </p> - <p> - At last there was a knock at the door and the anxious family jumped to - open it. Two negro men entered, each carrying a trunk, and proceeded - upstairs toward the guest-room. Then followed a stupefying apparition—a - double-headed human creature with four arms, one body, and a single pair - of legs! It—or they, as you please—bowed with elaborate - foreign formality, but the Coopers could not respond immediately; they - were paralyzed. At this moment there came from the rear of the group a - fervent ejaculation—“My lan'!”—followed by a crash of - crockery, and the slave-wench Nancy stood petrified and staring, with a - tray of wrecked tea-things at her feet. The incident broke the spell, and - brought the family to consciousness. The beautiful heads of the new-comer - bowed again, and one of them said with easy grace and dignity: - </p> - <p> - “I crave the honor, madam and miss, to introduce to you my brother, Count - Luigi Capello,” (the other head bowed) “and myself—Count Angelo; and - at the same time offer sincere apologies for the lateness of our coming, - which was unavoidable,” and both heads bowed again. - </p> - <p> - The poor old lady was in a whirl of amazement and confusion, but she - managed to stammer out: - </p> - <p> - “I'm sure I'm glad to make your acquaintance, sir—I mean, gentlemen. - As for the delay, it is nothing, don't mention it. This is my daughter - Rowena, sir—gentlemen. Please step into the parlor and sit down and - have a bite and sup; you are dreadful wet and must be uncomfortable—both - of you, I mean.” - </p> - <p> - But to the old lady's relief they courteously excused themselves, saying - it would be wrong to keep the family out of their beds longer; then each - head bowed in turn and uttered a friendly good night, and the singular - figure moved away in the wake of Rowena's small brothers, who bore - candles, and disappeared up the stairs. - </p> - <p> - The widow tottered into the parlor and sank into a chair with a gasp, and - Rowena followed, tongue-tied and dazed. The two sat silent in the - throbbing summer heat unconscious of the million-voiced music of the - mosquitoes, unconscious of the roaring gale, the lashing and thrashing of - the rain along the windows and the roof, the white glare of the lightning, - the tumultuous booming and bellowing of the thunder; conscious of nothing - but that prodigy, that uncanny apparition that had come and gone so - suddenly—that weird strange thing that was so soft-spoken and so - gentle of manner and yet had shaken them up like an earthquake with the - shock of its gruesome aspect. At last a cold little shudder quivered along - down the widow's meager frame and she said in a weak voice: - </p> - <p> - “Ugh, it was awful just the mere look of that phillipene!” - </p> - <p> - Rowena did not answer. Her faculties were still caked; she had not yet - found her voice. Presently the widow said, a little resentfully: - </p> - <p> - “Always been used to sleeping together—in-fact, prefer it. And I was - thinking it was to accommodate me. I thought it was very good of them, - whereas a person situated as that young man is—” - </p> - <p> - “Ma, you oughtn't to begin by getting up a prejudice against him. I'm sure - he is good-hearted and means well. Both of his faces show it.” - </p> - <p> - “I'm not so certain about that. The one on the left—I mean the one - on it's left—hasn't near as good a face, in my opinion, as its - brother.” - </p> - <p> - “That's Luigi.” - </p> - <p> - “Yes, Luigi; anyway it's the dark-skinned one; the one that was west of - his brother when they stood in the door. Up to all kinds of mischief and - disobedience when he was a boy, I'll be bound. I lay his mother had - trouble to lay her hand on him when she wanted him. But the one on the - right is as good as gold, I can see that.” - </p> - <p> - “That's Angelo.” - </p> - <p> - “Yes, Angelo, I reckon, though I can't tell t'other from which by their - names, yet awhile. But it's the right-hand one—the blond one. He has - such kind blue eyes, and curly copper hair and fresh complexion—” - </p> - <p> - “And such a noble face!—oh, it is a noble face, ma, just royal, you - may say! And beautiful deary me, how beautiful! But both are that; the - dark one's as beautiful as—a picture. There's no such wonderful - faces and handsome heads in this town none that even begin. And such - hands, especially Angelo's—so shapely and—” - </p> - <p> - “Stuff, how could you tell which they belonged to?—they had gloves - on.” - </p> - <p> - “Why, didn't I see them take off their hats?” - </p> - <p> - “That don't signify. They might have taken off each other's hats. Nobody - could tell. There was just a wormy squirming of arms in the air—seemed - to be a couple of dozen of them, all writhing at once, and it just made me - dizzy to see them go.” - </p> - <p> - “Why, ma, I hadn't any difficulty. There's two arms on each shoulder—” - </p> - <p> - “There, now. One arm on each shoulder belongs to each of the creatures, - don't it? For a person to have two arms on one shoulder wouldn't do him - any good, would it? Of course not. Each has an arm on each shoulder. Now - then, you tell me which of them belongs to which, if you can. They don't - know, themselves—they just work whichever arm comes handy. Of course - they do; especially if they are in a hurry and can't stop to think which - belongs to which.” - </p> - <p> - The mother seemed to have the rights of the argument, so the daughter - abandoned the struggle. Presently the widow rose with a yawn and said: - </p> - <p> - “Poor thing, I hope it won't catch cold; it was powerful wet, just - drenched, you may say. I hope it has left its boots outside, so they can - be dried.” - </p> - <p> - Then she gave a little start, and looked perplexed. - </p> - <p> - “Now I remember I heard one of them ask Joe to call him at half after - seven—I think it was the one on the left—no, it was the one to - the east of the other one—but I didn't hear the other one say any - thing. I wonder if he wants to be called too. Do you reckon it's too late - to ask?” - </p> - <p> - “Why, ma, it's not necessary. Calling one is calling both. If one gets up, - the other's got to.” - </p> - <p> - “Sho, of course; I never thought of that. Well, come along, maybe we can - get some sleep, but I don't know, I'm so shook up with what we've been - through.” - </p> - <p> - The stranger had made an impression on the boys, too. They had a word of - talk as they were getting to bed. Henry, the gentle, the humane, said: - </p> - <p> - “I feel ever so sorry for it, don't you, Joe?” - </p> - <p> - But Joe was a boy of this world, active, enterprising, and had a - theatrical side to him: - </p> - <p> - “Sorry? Why, how you talk! It can't stir a step without attracting - attention. It's just grand!” - </p> - <p> - Henry said, reproachfully: - </p> - <p> - “Instead of pitying it, Joe, you talk as if—” - </p> - <p> - “Talk as if what? I know one thing mighty certain: if you can fix me so I - can eat for two and only have to stub toes for one, I ain't going to fool - away no such chance just for sentiment.” - </p> - <p> - The twins were wet and tired, and they proceeded to undress without any - preliminary remarks. The abundance of sleeve made the partnership coat - hard to get off, for it was like skinning a tarantula; but it came at - last, after much tugging and perspiring. The mutual vest followed. Then - the brothers stood up before the glass, and each took off his own cravat - and collar. The collars were of the standing kind, and came high up under - the ears, like the sides of a wheelbarrow, as required by the fashion of - the day. The cravats were as broad as a bankbill, with fringed ends which - stood far out to right and left like the wings of a dragon-fly, and this - also was strictly in accordance with the fashion of the time. Each cravat, - as to color, was in perfect taste, so far as its owner's complexion was - concerned—a delicate pink, in the case of the blond brother, a - violent scarlet in the case of the brunette—but as a combination - they broke all the laws of taste known to civilization. Nothing more - fiendish and irreconcilable than those shrieking and blaspheming colors - could have been contrived. The wet boots gave no end of trouble—to - Luigi. When they were off at last, Angelo said, with bitterness: - </p> - <p> - “I wish you wouldn't wear such tight boots, they hurt my feet.” - </p> - <p> - Luigi answered with indifference: - </p> - <p> - “My friend, when I am in command of our body, I choose my apparel - according to my own convenience, as I have remarked more than several - times already. When you are in command, I beg you will do as you please.” - </p> - <p> - Angelo was hurt, and the tears came into his eyes. There was gentle - reproach in his voice, but, not anger, when he replied: - </p> - <p> - “Luigi, I often consult your wishes, but you never consult mine. When I am - in command I treat you as a guest; I try to make you feel at home; when - you are in command you treat me as an intruder, you make me feel - unwelcome. It embarrasses me cruelly in company, for I can see that people - notice it and comment on it.” - </p> - <p> - “Oh, damn the people,” responded the brother languidly, and with the air - of one who is tired of the subject. - </p> - <p> - A slight shudder shook the frame of Angelo, but he said nothing and the - conversation ceased. Each buttoned his own share of the nightshirt in - silence; then Luigi, with Paine's Age of Reason in his hand, sat down in - one chair and put his feet in another and lit his pipe, while Angelo took - his Whole Duty of Man, and both began to read. Angelo presently began to - cough; his coughing increased and became mixed with gaspings for breath, - and he was finally obliged to make an appeal to his brother's humanity: - </p> - <p> - “Luigi, if you would only smoke a little milder tobacco, I am sure I could - learn not to mind it in time, but this is so strong, and the pipe is so - rank that—” - </p> - <p> - “Angelo, I wouldn't be such a baby! I have learned to smoke in a week, and - the trouble is already over with me; if you would try, you could learn - too, and then you would stop spoiling my comfort with your everlasting - complaints.” - </p> - <p> - “Ah, brother, that is a strong word—everlasting—and isn't - quite fair. I only complain when I suffocate; you know I don't complain - when we are in the open air.” - </p> - <p> - “Well, anyway, you could learn to smoke yourself.” - </p> - <p> - “But my principles, Luigi, you forget my principles. You would not have me - do a thing which I regard as a sin?” - </p> - <p> - “Oh, bosh!” - </p> - <p> - The conversation ceased again, for Angelo was sick and discouraged and - strangling; but after some time he closed his book and asked Luigi to sing - “From Greenland's Icy Mountains” with him, but he would not, and when he - tried to sing by himself Luigi did his best to drown his plaintive tenor - with a rude and rollicking song delivered in a thundering bass. - </p> - <p> - After the singing there was silence, and neither brother was happy. Before - blowing the light out Luigi swallowed half a tumbler of whisky, and - Angelo, whose sensitive organization could not endure intoxicants of any - kind, took a pill to keep it from giving him the headache. - </p> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> - <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER II. MA COOPER GETS ALL MIXED UP - </h2> - <p> - The family sat in the breakfast-room waiting for the twins to come down. - The widow was quiet, the daughter was alive with happy excitement. She - said: - </p> - <p> - “Ah, they're a boon, ma, just a boon! Don't you think so?” - </p> - <p> - “Laws, I hope so, I don't know.” - </p> - <p> - “Why, ma, yes you do. They're so fine and handsome, and high-bred and - polite, so every way superior to our gawks here in this village; why, - they'll make life different from what it was—so humdrum and - commonplace, you know—oh, you may be sure they're full of - accomplishments, and knowledge of the world, and all that, that will be an - immense advantage to society here. Don't you think so, ma?” - </p> - <p> - “Mercy on me, how should I know, and I've hardly set eyes on them yet.” - After a pause she added, “They made considerable noise after they went - up.” - </p> - <p> - “Noise? Why, ma, they were singing! And it was beautiful, too.” - </p> - <p> - “Oh, it was well enough, but too mixed-up, seemed to me.” - </p> - <p> - “Now, ma, honor bright, did you ever hear 'Greenland's Icy Mountains' sung - sweeter—now did you?” - </p> - <p> - “If it had been sung by itself, it would have been uncommon sweet, I don't - deny it; but what they wanted to mix it up with 'Old Bob Ridley' for, I - can't make out. Why, they don't go together, at all. They are not of the - same nature. 'Bob Ridley' is a common rackety slam-bang secular song, one - of the rippingest and rantingest and noisiest there is. I am no judge of - music, and I don't claim it, but in my opinion nobody can make those two - songs go together right.” - </p> - <p> - “Why, ma, I thought—” - </p> - <p> - “It don't make any difference what you thought, it can't be done. They - tried it, and to my mind it was a failure. I never heard such a crazy - uproar; seemed to me, sometimes, the roof would come off; and as for the - cats—well, I've lived a many a year, and seen cats aggravated in - more ways than one, but I've never seen cats take on the way they took on - last night.” - </p> - <p> - “Well, I don't think that that goes for anything, ma, because it is the - nature of cats that any sound that is unusual—” - </p> - <p> - “Unusual! You may well call it so. Now if they are going to sing duets - every night, I do hope they will both sing the same tune at the same time, - for in my opinion a duet that is made up of two different tunes is a - mistake; especially when the tunes ain't any kin to one another, that - way.” - </p> - <p> - “But, ma, I think it must be a foreign custom; and it must be right too; - and the best way, because they have had every opportunity to know what is - right, and it don't stand to reason that with their education they would - do anything but what the highest musical authorities have sanctioned. You - can't help but admit that, ma.” - </p> - <p> - The argument was formidably strong; the old lady could not find any way - around it; so, after thinking it over awhile she gave in with a sigh of - discontent, and admitted that the daughter's position was probably - correct. Being vanquished, she had no mind to continue the topic at that - disadvantage, and was about to seek a change when a change came of itself. - A footstep was heard on the stairs, and she said: - </p> - <p> - “There-he's coming!” - </p> - <p> - “They, ma—you ought to say they—it's nearer right.” - </p> - <p> - The new lodger, rather shoutingly dressed but looking superbly handsome, - stepped with courtly carnage into the trim little breakfast-room and put - out all his cordial arms at once, like one of those pocket-knives with a - multiplicity of blades, and shook hands with the whole family - simultaneously. He was so easy and pleasant and hearty that all - embarrassment presently thawed away and disappeared, and a cheery feeling - of friendliness and comradeship took its place. He—or preferably - they—were asked to occupy the seat of honor at the foot of the - table. They consented with thanks, and carved the beefsteak with one set - of their hands while they distributed it at the same time with the other - set. - </p> - <p> - “Will you have coffee, gentlemen, or tea?” - </p> - <p> - “Coffee for Luigi, if you please, madam, tea for me.” - </p> - <p> - “Cream and sugar?” - </p> - <p> - “For me, yes, madam; Luigi takes his coffee, black. Our natures differ a - good deal from each other, and our tastes also.” - </p> - <p> - The first time the negro girl Nancy appeared in the door and saw the two - heads turned in opposite directions and both talking at once, then saw the - commingling arms feed potatoes into one mouth and coffee into the other at - the same time, she had to pause and pull herself out of a faintness that - came over her; but after that she held her grip and was able to wait on - the table with fair courage. - </p> - <p> - Conversation fell naturally into the customary grooves. It was a little - jerky, at first, because none of the family could get smoothly through a - sentence without a wabble in it here and a break there, caused by some new - surprise in the way of attitude or gesture on the part of the twins. The - weather suffered the most. The weather was all finished up and disposed - of, as a subject, before the simple Missourians had gotten sufficiently - wonted to the spectacle of one body feeding two heads to feel composed and - reconciled in the presence of so bizarre a miracle. And even after - everybody's mind became tranquilized there was still one slight - distraction left: the hand that picked up a biscuit carried it to the - wrong head, as often as any other way, and the wrong mouth devoured it. - This was a puzzling thing, and marred the talk a little. It bothered the - widow to such a degree that she presently dropped out of the conversation - without knowing it, and fell to watching and guessing and talking to - herself: - </p> - <p> - “Now that hand is going to take that coffee to—no, it's gone to the - other mouth; I can't understand it; and Now, here is the dark-complected - hand with a potato in its fork, I'll see what goes with it—there, - the light-complected head's got it, as sure as I live!” - </p> - <p> - Finally Rowena said: - </p> - <p> - “Ma, what is the matter with you? Are you dreaming about something?” - </p> - <p> - The old lady came to herself and blushed; then she explained with the - first random thing that came into her mind: “I saw Mr. Angelo take up Mr. - Luigi's coffee, and I thought maybe he—sha'n't I give you a cup, Mr. - Angelo?” - </p> - <p> - “Oh no, madam, I am very much obliged, but I never drink coffee, much as I - would like to. You did see me take up Luigi's cup, it is true, but if you - noticed, I didn't carry it to my mouth, but to his.” - </p> - <p> - “Y-es, I thought you did: Did you mean to?” - </p> - <p> - “How?” - </p> - <p> - The widow was a little embarrassed again. She said: - </p> - <p> - “I don't know but what I'm foolish, and you mustn't mind; but you see, he - got the coffee I was expecting to see you drink, and you got a potato that - I thought he was going to get. So I thought it might be a mistake all - around, and everybody getting what wasn't intended for him.” - </p> - <p> - Both twins laughed and Luigi said: - </p> - <p> - “Dear madam, there wasn't any mistake. We are always helping each other - that way. It is a great economy for us both; it saves time and labor. We - have a system of signs which nobody can notice or understand but - ourselves. If I am using both my hands and want some coffee, I make the - sign and Angelo furnishes it to me; and you saw that when he needed a - potato I delivered it.” - </p> - <p> - “How convenient!” - </p> - <p> - “Yes, and often of the extremest value. Take the Mississippi boats, for - instance. They are always overcrowded. There is table-room for only half - of the passengers, therefore they have to set a second table for the - second half. The stewards rush both parties, they give them no time to eat - a satisfying meal, both divisions leave the table hungry. It isn't so with - us. Angelo books himself for the one table, I book myself for the other. - Neither of us eats anything at the other's table, but just simply works—works. - Thus, you see there are four hands to feed Angelo, and the same four to - feed me. Each of us eats two meals.” - </p> - <p> - The old lady was dazed with admiration, and kept saying, “It is perfectly - wonderful, perfectly wonderful” and the boy Joe licked his chops - enviously, but said nothing—at least aloud. - </p> - <p> - “Yes,” continued Luigi, “our construction may have its disadvantages—in - fact, HAS—but it also has its compensations of one sort and another. - Take travel, for instance. Travel is enormously expensive, in all - countries; we have been obliged to do a vast deal of it—come, - Angelo, don't put any more sugar in your tea, I'm just over one - indigestion and don't want another right away—been obliged to do a - deal of it, as I was saying. Well, we always travel as one person, since - we occupy but one seat; so we save half the fare.” - </p> - <p> - “How romantic!” interjected Rowena, with effusion. - </p> - <p> - “Yes, my dear young lady, and how practical too, and economical. In - Europe, beds in the hotels are not charged with the board, but separately—another - saving, for we stood to our rights and paid for the one bed only. The - landlords often insisted that as both of us occupied the bed we ought—” - </p> - <p> - “No, they didn't,” said Angelo. “They did it only twice, and in both cases - it was a double bed—a rare thing in Europe—and the double bed - gave them some excuse. Be fair to the landlords; twice doesn't constitute - 'often.'” - </p> - <p> - “Well, that depends—that depends. I knew a man who fell down a well - twice. He said he didn't mind the first time, but he thought the second - time was once too often. Have I misused that word, Mrs. Cooper?” - </p> - <p> - “To tell the truth, I was afraid you had, but it seems to look, now, like - you hadn't.” She stopped, and was evidently struggling with the difficult - problem a moment, then she added in the tone of one who is convinced - without being converted, “It seems so, but I can't somehow tell why.” - </p> - <p> - Rowena thought Luigi's retort was wonderfully quick and bright, and she - remarked to herself with satisfaction that there wasn't any young native - of Dawson's Landing that could have risen to the occasion like that. Luigi - detected the applause in her face, and expressed his pleasure and his - thanks with his eyes; and so eloquently withal, that the girl was proud - and pleased, and hung out the delicate sign of it on her cheeks. Luigi - went on, with animation: - </p> - <p> - “Both of us get a bath for one ticket, theater seat for one ticket, - pew-rent is on the same basis, but at peep-shows we pay double.” - </p> - <p> - “We have much to be thankful for,” said Angelo, impressively, with a - reverent light in his eye and a reminiscent tone in his voice, “we have - been greatly blessed. As a rule, what one of us has lacked, the other, by - the bounty of Providence, has been able to supply. My brother is hardy, I - am not; he is very masculine, assertive, aggressive; I am much less so. I - am subject to illness, he is never ill. I cannot abide medicines, and - cannot take them, but he has no prejudice against them, and—” - </p> - <p> - “Why, goodness gracious,” interrupted the widow, “when you are sick, does - he take the medicine for you?” - </p> - <p> - “Always, madam.” - </p> - <p> - “Why, I never heard such a thing in my life! I think it's beautiful of - you.” - </p> - <p> - “Oh, madam, it's nothing, don't mention it, it's really nothing at all.” - </p> - <p> - “But I say it's beautiful, and I stick to it!” cried the widow, with a - speaking moisture in her eye. - </p> - <p> - “A well brother to take the medicine for his poor sick brother—I - wish I had such a son,” and she glanced reproachfully at her boys. “I - declare I'll never rest till I've shook you by the hand,” and she - scrambled out of her chair in a fever of generous enthusiasm, and made for - the twins, blind with her tears, and began to shake. The boy Joe corrected - her: “You're shaking the wrong one, ma.” - </p> - <p> - This flurried her, but she made a swift change and went on shaking. - </p> - <p> - “Got the wrong one again, ma,” said the boy. - </p> - <p> - “Oh, shut up, can't you!” said the widow, embarrassed and irritated. “Give - me all your hands, I want to shake them all; for I know you are both just - as good as you can be.” - </p> - <p> - It was a victorious thought, a master-stroke of diplomacy, though that - never occurred to her and she cared nothing for diplomacy. She shook the - four hands in turn cordially, and went back to her place in a state of - high and fine exultation that made her look young and handsome. - </p> - <p> - “Indeed I owe everything to Luigi,” said Angelo, affectionately. “But for - him I could not have survived our boyhood days, when we were friendless - and poor—ah, so poor! We lived from hand to mouth-lived on the - coarse fare of unwilling charity, and for weeks and weeks together not a - morsel of food passed my lips, for its character revolted me and I could - not eat it. But for Luigi I should have died. He ate for us both.” - </p> - <p> - “How noble!” sighed Rowena. - </p> - <p> - “Do you hear that?” said the widow, severely, to her boys. “Let it be an - example to you—I mean you, Joe.” - </p> - <p> - Joe gave his head a barely perceptible disparaging toss and said: “Et for - both. It ain't anything I'd 'a' done it.” - </p> - <p> - “Hush, if you haven't got any better manners than that. You don't see the - point at all. It wasn't good food.” - </p> - <p> - “I don't care—it was food, and I'd 'a' et it if it was rotten.” - </p> - <p> - “Shame! Such language! Can't you understand? They were starving—actually - starving—and he ate for both, and—” - </p> - <p> - “Shucks! you gimme a chance and I'll—” - </p> - <p> - “There, now—close your head! and don't you open it again till you're - asked.” - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - [Angelo goes on and tells how his parents the Count and Countess had - to fly from Florence for political reasons, and died poor in Berlin - bereft of their great property by confiscation; and how he and Luigi - had to travel with a freak-show during two years and suffer - semi-starvation.] -</pre> - <p> - “That hateful black-bread; but I seldom ate anything during that time; - that was poor Luigi's affair—” - </p> - <p> - “I'll never Mister him again!” cried the widow, with strong emotion, “he's - Luigi to me, from this out!” - </p> - <p> - “Thank you a thousand times, madam, a thousand times! though in truth I - don't deserve it.” - </p> - <p> - “Ah, Luigi is always the fortunate one when honors are showering,” said - Angelo, plaintively; “now what have I done, Mrs. Cooper, that you leave me - out? Come, you must strain a point in my favor.” - </p> - <p> - “Call you Angelo? Why, certainly I will; what are you thinking of! In the - case of twins, why—” - </p> - <p> - “But, ma, you're breaking up the story—do let him go on.” - </p> - <p> - “You keep still, Rowena Cooper, and he can go on all the better, I reckon. - One interruption don't hurt, it's two that makes the trouble.” - </p> - <p> - “But you've added one, now, and that is three.” - </p> - <p> - “Rowena! I will not allow you to talk back at me when you have got nothing - rational to say.” - </p> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> - <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER III. ANGELO IS BLUE - </h2> - <p> - [After breakfast the whole village crowded in, and there was a grand - reception in honor of the twins; and at the close of it the gifted “freak” - captured everybody's admiration by sitting down at the piano and knocking - out a classic four-handed piece in great style. Then the judge took it—or - them—driving in his buggy and showed off his village.] - </p> - <p> - All along the streets the people crowded the windows and stared at the - amazing twins. Troops of small boys flocked after the buggy, excited and - yelling. At first the dogs showed no interest. They thought they merely - saw three men in a buggy—a matter of no consequence; but when they - found out the facts of the case, they altered their opinion pretty - radically, and joined the boys, expressing their minds as they came. Other - dogs got interested; indeed, all the dogs. It was a spirited sight to see - them come leaping fences, tearing around corners, swarming out of every - bystreet and alley. The noise they made was something beyond belief—or - praise. They did not seem to be moved by malice but only by prejudice, the - common human prejudice against lack of conformity. If the twins turned - their heads, they broke and fled in every direction, but stopped at a safe - distance and faced about; and then formed and came on again as soon as the - strangers showed them their back. Negroes and farmers' wives took to the - woods when the buggy came upon them suddenly, and altogether the drive was - pleasant and animated, and a refreshment all around. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - [It was a long and lively drive. Angelo was a Methodist, Luigi was - a Free-thinker. The judge was very proud of his Freethinkers' - Society, which was flourishing along in a most prosperous way and - already had two members—himself and the obscure and neglected - Pudd'nhead Wilson. It was to meet that evening, and he invited - Luigi to join; a thing which Luigi was glad to do, partly because it - would please himself, and partly because it would gravel Angelo.] -</pre> - <p> - They had now arrived at the widow's gate, and the excursion was ended. The - twins politely expressed their obligations for the pleasant outing which - had been afforded them; to which the judge bowed his thanks, and then said - he would now go and arrange for the Free-thinkers' meeting, and would call - for Count Luigi in the evening. - </p> - <p> - “For you also, dear sir,” he added hastily, turning to Angelo and bowing. - “In addressing myself particularly to your brother, I was not meaning to - leave you out. It was an unintentional rudeness, I assure you, and due - wholly to accident—accident and preoccupation. I beg you to forgive - me.” - </p> - <p> - His quick eye had seen the sensitive blood mount into Angelo's face, - betraying the wound that had been inflicted. The sting of the slight had - gone deep, but the apology was so prompt, and so evidently sincere, that - the hurt was almost immediately healed, and a forgiving smile testified to - the kindly judge that all was well again. - </p> - <p> - Concealed behind Angelo's modest and unassuming exterior, and unsuspected - by any but his intimates, was a lofty pride, a pride of almost abnormal - proportions, indeed, and this rendered him ever the prey of slights; and - although they were almost always imaginary ones, they hurt none the less - on that account. By ill fortune judge Driscoll had happened to touch his - sorest point, i.e., his conviction that his brother's presence was - welcomer everywhere than his own; that he was often invited, out of mere - courtesy, where only his brother was wanted, and that in a majority of - cases he would not be included in an invitation if he could be left out - without offense. A sensitive nature like this is necessarily subject to - moods; moods which traverse the whole gamut of feeling; moods which know - all the climes of emotion, from the sunny heights of joy to the black - abysses of despair. At times, in his seasons of deepest depressions, - Angelo almost wished that he and his brother might become segregated from - each other and be separate individuals, like other men. But of course as - soon as his mind cleared and these diseased imaginings passed away, he - shuddered at the repulsive thought, and earnestly prayed that it might - visit him no more. To be separate, and as other men are! How awkward it - would seem; how unendurable. What would he do with his hands, his arms? - How would his legs feel? How odd, and strange, and grotesque every action, - attitude, movement, gesture would be. To sleep by himself, eat by himself, - walk by himself—how lonely, how unspeakably lonely! No, no, any fate - but that. In every way and from every point, the idea was revolting. - </p> - <p> - This was of course natural; to have felt otherwise would have been - unnatural. He had known no life but a combined one; he had been familiar - with it from his birth; he was not able to conceive of any other as being - agreeable, or even bearable. To him, in the privacy of his secret - thoughts, all other men were monsters, deformities: and during - three-fourths of his life their aspect had filled him with what promised - to be an unconquerable aversion. But at eighteen his eye began to take - note of female beauty; and little by little, undefined longings grew up in - his heart, under whose softening influences the old stubborn aversion - gradually diminished, and finally disappeared. Men were still - monstrosities to him, still deformities, and in his sober moments he had - no desire to be like them, but their strange and unsocial and uncanny - construction was no longer offensive to him. - </p> - <p> - This had been a hard day for him, physically and mentally. He had been - called in the morning before he had quite slept off the effects of the - liquor which Luigi had drunk; and so, for the first half-hour had had the - seedy feeling, and languor, the brooding depression, the cobwebby mouth - and druggy taste that come of dissipation and are so ill a preparation for - bodily or intellectual activities; the long violent strain of the - reception had followed; and this had been followed, in turn, by the dreary - sight-seeing, the judge's wearying explanations and laudations of the - sights, and the stupefying clamor of the dogs. As a congruous conclusion, - a fitting end, his feelings had been hurt, a slight had been put upon him. - He would have been glad to forego dinner and betake himself to rest and - sleep, but he held his peace and said no word, for he knew his brother, - Luigi, was fresh, unweary, full of life, spirit, energy; he would have - scoffed at the idea of wasting valuable time on a bed or a sofa, and would - have refused permission. - </p> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> - <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER IV. SUPERNATURAL CHRONOMETRY - </h2> - <p> - Rowena was dining out, Joe and Harry were belated at play, there were but - three chairs and four persons that noon at the home dinner-table—the - twins, the widow, and her chum, Aunt Betsy Hale. The widow soon perceived - that Angelo's spirits were as low as Luigi's were high, and also that he - had a jaded look. Her motherly solicitude was aroused, and she tried to - get him interested in the talk and win him to a happier frame of mind, but - the cloud of sadness remained on his countenance. Luigi lent his help, - too. He used a form and a phrase which he was always accustomed to employ - in these circumstances. He gave his brother an affectionate slap on the - shoulder and said, encouragingly: - </p> - <p> - “Cheer up, the worst is yet to come!” - </p> - <p> - But this did no good. It never did. If anything, it made the matter worse, - as a rule, because it irritated Angelo. This made it a favorite with - Luigi. By and by the widow said: - </p> - <p> - “Angelo, you are tired, you've overdone yourself; you go right to bed - after dinner, and get a good nap and a rest, then you'll be all right.” - </p> - <p> - “Indeed, I would give anything if I could do that, madam.” - </p> - <p> - “And what's to hender, I'd like to know? Land, the room's yours to do what - you please with! The idea that you can't do what you like with your own!” - </p> - <p> - “But, you see, there's one prime essential—an essential of the very - first importance—which isn't my own.” - </p> - <p> - “What is that?” - </p> - <p> - “My body.” - </p> - <p> - The old ladies looked puzzled, and Aunt Betsy Hale said: - </p> - <p> - “Why bless your heart, how is that?” - </p> - <p> - “It's my brother's.” - </p> - <p> - “Your brother's! I don't quite understand. I supposed it belonged to both - of you.” - </p> - <p> - “So it does. But not to both at the same time.” - </p> - <p> - “That is mighty curious; I don't see how it can be. I shouldn't think it - could be managed that way.” - </p> - <p> - “Oh, it's a good enough arrangement, and goes very well; in fact, it - wouldn't do to have it otherwise. I find that the teetotalers and the - anti-teetotalers hire the use of the same hall for their meetings. Both - parties don't use it at the same time, do they?” - </p> - <p> - “You bet they don't!” said both old ladies in a breath. - </p> - <p> - “And, moreover,” said Aunt Betsy, “the Freethinkers and the Baptist Bible - class use the same room over the Market house, but you can take my word - for it they don't mush up together and use it at the same time.' - </p> - <p> - “Very well,” said Angelo, “you understand it now. And it stands to reason - that the arrangement couldn't be improved. I'll prove it to you. If our - legs tried to obey two wills, how could we ever get anywhere? I would - start one way, Luigi would start another, at the same moment—the - result would be a standstill, wouldn't it?” - </p> - <p> - “As sure as you are born! Now ain't that wonderful! A body would never - have thought of it.” - </p> - <p> - “We should always be arguing and fussing and disputing over the merest - trifles. We should lose worlds of time, for we couldn't go down-stairs or - up, couldn't go to bed, couldn't rise, couldn't wash, couldn't dress, - couldn't stand up, couldn't sit down, couldn't even cross our legs, - without calling a meeting first and explaining the case and passing - resolutions, and getting consent. It wouldn't ever do—now would it?” - </p> - <p> - “Do? Why, it would wear a person out in a week! Did you ever hear anything - like it, Patsy Cooper?” - </p> - <p> - “Oh, you'll find there's more than one thing about them that ain't - commonplace,” said the widow, with the complacent air of a person with a - property right in a novelty that is under admiring scrutiny. - </p> - <p> - “Well, now, how ever do you manage it? I don't mind saying I'm suffering - to know.” - </p> - <p> - “He who made us,” said Angelo reverently, “and with us this difficulty, - also provided a way out of it. By a mysterious law of our being, each of - us has utter and indisputable command of our body a week at a time, turn - and turn about.” - </p> - <p> - “Well, I never! Now ain't that beautiful!” - </p> - <p> - “Yes, it is beautiful and infinitely wise and just. The week ends every - Saturday at midnight to the minute, to the second, to the last shade of a - fraction of a second, infallibly, unerringly, and in that instant the one - brother's power over the body vanishes and the other brother takes - possession, asleep or awake.” - </p> - <p> - “How marvelous are His ways, and past finding out!” - </p> - <p> - Luigi said: “So exactly to the instant does the change come, that during - our stay in many of the great cities of the world, the public clocks were - regulated by it; and as hundreds of thousands of private clocks and - watches were set and corrected in accordance with the public clocks, we - really furnished the standard time for the entire city.” - </p> - <p> - “Don't tell me that He don't do miracles any more! Blowing down the walls - of Jericho with rams' horns wa'n't as difficult, in my opinion.” - </p> - <p> - “And that is not all,” said Angelo. “A thing that is even more marvelous, - perhaps, is the fact that the change takes note of longitude and fits - itself to the meridian we are on. Luigi is in command this week. Now, if - on Saturday night at a moment before midnight we could fly in an instant - to a point fifteen degrees west of here, he would hold possession of the - power another hour, for the change observes local time and no other.” - </p> - <p> - Betsy Hale was deeply impressed, and said with solemnity: - </p> - <p> - “Patsy Cooper, for detail it lays over the Passage of the Red Sea.” - </p> - <p> - “Now, I shouldn't go as far as that,” said Aunt Patsy, “but if you've a - mind to say Sodom and Gomorrah, I am with you, Betsy Hale.” - </p> - <p> - “I am agreeable, then, though I do think I was right, and I believe Parson - Maltby would say the same. Well, now, there's another thing. Suppose one - of you wants to borrow the legs a minute from the one that's got them, - could he let him?” - </p> - <p> - “Yes, but we hardly ever do that. There were disagreeable results, several - times, and so we very seldom ask or grant the privilege, nowadays, and we - never even think of such a thing unless the case is extremely urgent. - Besides, a week's possession at a time seems so little that we can't bear - to spare a minute of it. People who have the use of their legs all the - time never think of what a blessing it is, of course. It never occurs to - them; it's just their natural ordinary condition, and so it does not - excite them at all. But when I wake up, on Sunday morning, and it's my - week and I feel the power all through me, oh, such a wave of exultation - and thanksgiving goes surging over me, and I want to shout 'I can walk! I - can walk!' Madam, do you ever, at your uprising, want to shout 'I can - walk! I can walk!'?” - </p> - <p> - “No, you poor unfortunate cretur', but I'll never get out of my bed again - without doing it! Laws, to think I've had this unspeakable blessing all my - long life and never had the grace to thank the good Lord that gave it to - me!” - </p> - <p> - Tears stood in the eyes of both the old ladies and the widow said, softly: - </p> - <p> - “Betsy Hale, we have learned something, you and me.” - </p> - <p> - The conversation now drifted wide, but by and by floated back once more to - that admired detail, the rigid and beautiful impartiality with which the - possession of power had been distributed, between the twins. Aunt Betsy - saw in it a far finer justice than human law exhibits in related cases. - She said: - </p> - <p> - “In my opinion it ain't right noW, and never has been right, the way a - twin born a quarter of a minute sooner than the other one gets all the - land and grandeurs and nobilities in the old countries and his brother has - to go bare and be a nobody. Which of you was born first?” - </p> - <p> - Angelo's head was resting against Luigi's; weariness had overcome him, and - for the past five minutes he had been peacefully sleeping. The old ladies - had dropped their voices to a lulling drone, to help him to steal the rest - his brother wouldn't take him up-stairs to get. Luigi listened a moment to - Angelo's regular breathing, then said in a voice barely audible: - </p> - <p> - “We were both born at the same time, but I am six months older than he - is.” - </p> - <p> - “For the land's sake!” - </p> - <p> - “'Sh! don't wake him up; he wouldn't like my telling this. It has always - been kept secret till now.” - </p> - <p> - “But how in the world can it be? If you were both born at the same time, - how can one of you be older than the other?” - </p> - <p> - “It is very simple, and I assure you it is true. I was born with a full - crop of hair, he was as bald as an egg for six months. I could walk six - months before he could make a step. I finished teething six months ahead - of him. I began to take solids six months before he left the breast. I - began to talk six months before he could say a word. Last, and absolutely - unassailable proof, the sutures in my skull closed six months ahead of - his. Always just that six months' difference to a day. Was that accident? - Nobody is going to claim that, I'm sure. It was ordained—it was law—it - had its meaning, and we know what that meaning was. Now what does this - overwhelming body of evidence establish? It establishes just one thing, - and that thing it establishes beyond any peradventure whatever. Friends, - we would not have it known for the world, and I must beg you to keep it - strictly to yourselves, but the truth is, we are no more twins than you - are.” - </p> - <p> - The two old ladies were stunned, paralyzed—petrified, one may almost - say—and could only sit and gaze vacantly at each other for some - moments; then Aunt Betsy Hale said impressively: - </p> - <p> - “There's no getting around proof like that. I do believe it's the most - amazing thing I ever heard of.” She sat silent a moment or two and - breathing hard with excitement, then she looked up and surveyed the - strangers steadfastly a little while, and added: “Well, it does beat me, - but I would have took you for twins anywhere.” - </p> - <p> - “So would I, so would I,” said Aunt Patsy with the emphasis of a certainty - that is not impaired by any shade of doubt. - </p> - <p> - “Anybody would-anybody in the world, I don't care who he is,” said Aunt - Betsy with decision. - </p> - <p> - “You won't tell,” said Luigi, appealingly. - </p> - <p> - “Oh, dear, no!” answered both ladies promptly, “you can trust us, don't - you be afraid.” - </p> - <p> - “That is good of you, and kind. Never let on; treat us always as if we - were twins.” - </p> - <p> - “You can depend on us,” said Aunt Betsy, “but it won't be easy, because - now that I know you ain't you don't seem so.” - </p> - <p> - Luigi muttered to himself with satisfaction: “That swindle has gone - through without change of cars.” - </p> - <p> - It was not very kind of him to load the poor things up with a secret like - that, which would be always flying to their tongues' ends every time they - heard any one speak of the strangers as twins, and would become harder and - harder to hang on to with every recurrence of the temptation to tell it, - while the torture of retaining it would increase with every new strain - that was applied; but he never thought of that, and probably would not - have worried much about it if he had. - </p> - <p> - A visitor was announced—some one to see the twins. They withdrew to - the parlor, and the two old ladies began to discuss with interest the - strange things which they had been listening to. When they had finished - the matter to their satisfaction, and Aunt Betsy rose to go, she stopped - to ask a question: - </p> - <p> - “How does things come on between Roweny and Tom Driscoll?” - </p> - <p> - “Well, about the same. He writes tolerable often, and she answers - tolerable seldom.” - </p> - <p> - “Where is he?” - </p> - <p> - “In St. Louis, I believe, though he's such a gadabout that a body can't be - very certain of him, I reckon.” - </p> - <p> - “Don't Roweny know?” - </p> - <p> - “Oh, yes, like enough. I haven't asked her lately.” - </p> - <p> - “Do you know how him and the judge are getting along now?” - </p> - <p> - “First rate, I believe. Mrs. Pratt says so; and being right in the house, - and sister to the one and aunt to t'other, of course she ought to know. - She says the judge is real fond of him when he's away; but frets when he's - around and is vexed with his ways, and not sorry to have him go again. He - has been gone three weeks this time—a pleasant thing for both of - them, I reckon.” - </p> - <p> - “Tom's rather harum-scarum, but there ain't anything bad in him, I guess.” - </p> - <p> - “Oh, no, he's just young, that's all. Still, twenty-three is old, in one - way. A young man ought to be earning his living by that time. If Tom were - doing that, or was even trying to do it, the judge would be a heap better - satisfied with him. Tom's always going to begin, but somehow he can't seem - to find just the opening he likes.” - </p> - <p> - “Well, now, it's partly the judge's own fault. Promising the boy his - property wasn't the way to set him to earning a fortune of his own. But - what do you think—is Roweny beginning to lean any toward him, or - ain't she?” - </p> - <p> - Aunt Patsy had a secret in her bosom; she wanted to keep it there, but - nature was too strong for her. She drew Aunt Betsy aside, and said in her - most confidential and mysterious manner: - </p> - <p> - “Don't you breathe a syllable to a soul—I'm going to tell you - something. In my opinion Tom Driscoll's chances were considerable better - yesterday than they are to-day.” - </p> - <p> - “Patsy Cooper, what do you mean?” - </p> - <p> - “It's so, as sure as you're born. I wish you could 'a' been at breakfast - and seen for yourself.” - </p> - <p> - “You don't mean it!” - </p> - <p> - “Well, if I'm any judge, there's a leaning—there's a leaning, sure.” - </p> - <p> - “My land! Which one of 'em is it?” - </p> - <p> - “I can't say for certain, but I think it's the youngest one—Anjy.” - </p> - <p> - Then there were hand-shakings, and congratulations, and hopes, and so on, - and the old ladies parted, perfectly happy—the one in knowing - something which the rest of the town didn't, and the other in having been - the sole person able to furnish that knowledge. - </p> - <p> - The visitor who had called to see the twins was the Rev. Mr. Hotchkiss, - pastor of the Baptist church. At the reception Angelo had told him he had - lately experienced a change in his religious views, and was now desirous - of becoming a Baptist, and would immediately join Mr. Hotchkiss's church. - There was no time to say more, and the brief talk ended at that point. The - minister was much gratified, and had dropped in for a moment now, to - invite the twins to attend his Bible class at eight that evening. Angelo - accepted, and was expecting Luigi to decline, but he did not, because he - knew that the Bible class and the Freethinkers met in the same room, and - he wanted to treat his brother to the embarrassment of being caught in - free-thinking company. - </p> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> - <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER V. GUILT AND INNOCENCE FINELY BLENT - </h2> - <p> - [A long and vigorous quarrel follows, between the twins. And there is - plenty to quarrel about, for Angelo was always seeking truth, and this - obliged him to change and improve his religion with frequency, which - wearied Luigi, and annoyed him too; for he had to be present at each new - enlistment—which placed him in the false position of seeming to - indorse and approve his brother's fickleness; moreover, he had to go to - Angelo's prohibition meetings, and he hated them. On the other hand, when - it was his week to command the legs he gave Angelo just cause of - complaint, for he took him to circuses and horse-races and fandangoes, - exposing him to all sorts of censure and criticism; and he drank, too; and - whatever he drank went to Angelo's head instead of his own and made him - act disgracefully. When the evening was come, the two attended the - Free-thinkers' meeting, where Angelo was sad and silent; then came the - Bible class and looked upon him coldly, finding him in such company. Then - they went to Wilson's house and Chapter XI of Pudd'nhead Wilson follows, - which tells of the girl seen in Tom Driscoll's room; and closes with the - kicking of Tom by Luigi at the anti-temperance mass-meeting of the Sons of - Liberty; with the addition of some account of Roxy's adventures as a - chamber-maid on a Mississippi boat. Her exchange of the children had been - flippantly and farcically described in an earlier chapter.] - </p> - <p> - Next morning all the town was a-buzz with great news; Pudd'nhead Wilson - had a law case! The public astonishment was so great and the public - curiosity so intense, that when the justice of the peace opened his court, - the place was packed with people and even the windows were full. Everybody - was flushed and perspiring; the summer heat was almost unendurable. - </p> - <p> - Tom Driscoll had brought a charge of assault and battery against the - twins. Robert Allen was retained by Driscoll, David Wilson by the defense. - Tom, his native cheerfulness unannihilated by his back-breaking and - bone-bruising passage across the massed heads of the Sons of Liberty the - previous night, laughed his little customary laugh, and said to Wilson: - </p> - <p> - “I've kept my promise, you see; I'm throwing my business your way. Sooner - than I was expecting, too.” - </p> - <p> - “It's very good of you—particularly if you mean to keep it up.” - </p> - <p> - “Well, I can't tell about that yet. But we'll see. If I find you deserve - it I'll take you under my protection and make your fame and fortune for - you.” - </p> - <p> - “I'll try to deserve it, Tom.” - </p> - <p> - A jury was sworn in; then Mr. Allen said: - </p> - <p> - “We will detain your honor but a moment with this case. It is not one - where any doubt of the fact of the assault can enter in. These gentlemen—the - accused—kicked my client at the Market Hall last night; they kicked - him with violence; with extraordinary violence; with even unprecedented - violence, I may say; insomuch that he was lifted entirely off his feet and - discharged into the midst of the audience. We can prove this by four - hundred witnesses—we shall call but three. Mr. Harkness will take - the stand.” - </p> - <p> - Mr. Harkness, being sworn, testified that he was chairman upon the - occasion mentioned; that he was close at hand and saw the defendants in - this action kick the plaintiff into the air and saw him descend among the - audience. - </p> - <p> - “Take the witness,” said Allen. - </p> - <p> - “Mr. Harkness,” said Wilson, “you say you saw these gentlemen, my clients, - kick the plaintiff. Are you sure—and please remember that you are on - oath—are you perfectly sure that you saw both of them kick him, or - only one? Now be careful.” - </p> - <p> - A bewildered look began to spread itself over the witness's face. He - hesitated, stammered, but got out nothing. His eyes wandered to the twins - and fixed themselves there with a vacant gaze. - </p> - <p> - “Please answer, Mr. Harkness, you are keeping the court waiting. It is a - very simple question.” - </p> - <p> - Counsel for the prosecution broke in with impatience: - </p> - <p> - “Your honor, the question is an irrelevant triviality. Necessarily, they - both kicked him, for they have but the one pair of legs, and both are - responsible for them.” - </p> - <p> - Wilson said, sarcastically: - </p> - <p> - “Will your honor permit this new witness to be sworn? He seems to possess - knowledge which can be of the utmost value just at this moment—knowledge - which would at once dispose of what every one must see is a very difficult - question in this case. Brother Allen, will you take the stand?” - </p> - <p> - “Go on with your case!” said Allen, petulantly. The audience laughed, and - got a warning from the court. - </p> - <p> - “Now, Mr. Harkness,” said Wilson, insinuatingly, “we shall have to insist - upon an answer to that question.” - </p> - <p> - “I—er—well, of course, I do not absolutely know, but in my - opinion—” - </p> - <p> - “Never mind your opinion, sir—answer the question.” - </p> - <p> - “I—why, I can't answer it.” - </p> - <p> - “That will do, Mr. Harkness. Stand down.” - </p> - <p> - The audience tittered, and the discomfited witness retired in a state of - great embarrassment. - </p> - <p> - Mr. Wakeman took the stand and swore that he saw the twins kick the - plaintiff off the platform. - </p> - <p> - The defense took the witness. - </p> - <p> - “Mr. Wakeman, you have sworn that you saw these gentlemen kick the - plaintiff. Do I understand you to swear that you saw them both do it?” - </p> - <p> - “Yes, sir,”—with decision. - </p> - <p> - “How do you know that both did it?” - </p> - <p> - “Because I saw them do it.” - </p> - <p> - The audience laughed, and got another warning from the court. - </p> - <p> - “But by what means do you know that both, and not one, did it?” - </p> - <p> - “Well, in the first place, the insult was given to both of them equally, - for they were called a pair of scissors. Of course they would both want to - resent it, and so—” - </p> - <p> - “Wait! You are theorizing now. Stick to facts—counsel will attend to - the arguments. Go on.” - </p> - <p> - “Well, they both went over there—that I saw.” - </p> - <p> - “Very good. Go on.” - </p> - <p> - “And they both kicked him—I swear to it.” - </p> - <p> - “Mr. Wakeman, was Count Luigi, here, willing to join the Sons of Liberty - last night?” - </p> - <p> - “Yes, sir, he was. He did join, too, and drank a glass or two of whisky, - like a man.” - </p> - <p> - “Was his brother willing to join?” - </p> - <p> - “No, sir, he wasn't. He is a teetotaler, and was elected through a - mistake.” - </p> - <p> - “Was he given a glass of whisky?” - </p> - <p> - “Yes, sir, but of course that was another mistake, and not intentional. He - wouldn't drink it. He set it down.” A slight pause, then he added, - casually and quite simply: “The plaintiff reached for it and hogged it.” - </p> - <p> - There was a fine outburst of laughter, but as the justice was caught out - himself, his reprimand was not very vigorous. - </p> - <p> - Mr. Allen jumped up and exclaimed: “I protest against these foolish - irrelevancies. What have they to do with the case?” - </p> - <p> - Wilson said: “Calm yourself, brother, it was only an experiment. Now, Mr. - Wakeman, if one of these gentlemen chooses to join an association and the - other doesn't; and if one of them enjoys whisky and the other doesn't, but - sets it aside and leaves it unprotected” (titter from the audience), “it - seems to show that they have independent minds, and tastes, and - preferences, and that one of them is able to approve of a thing at the - very moment that the other is heartily disapproving of it. Doesn't it seem - so to you?” - </p> - <p> - “Certainly it does. It's perfectly plain.” - </p> - <p> - “Now, then, it might be—I only say it might be—that one of - these brothers wanted to kick the plaintiff last night, and that the other - didn't want that humiliating punishment inflicted upon him in that public - way and before all those people. Isn't that possible?” - </p> - <p> - “Of course it is. It's more than possible. I don't believe the blond one - would kick anybody. It was the other one that—” - </p> - <p> - “Silence!” shouted the plaintiff's counsel, and went on with an angry - sentence which was lost in the wave of laughter that swept the house. - </p> - <p> - “That will do, Mr. Wakeman,” said Wilson, “you may stand down.” - </p> - <p> - The third witness was called. He had seen the twins kick the plaintiff. - Mr. Wilson took the witness. - </p> - <p> - “Mr. Rogers, you say you saw these accused gentlemen kick the plaintiff?” - </p> - <p> - “Yes, sir.” - </p> - <p> - “Both of them?” - </p> - <p> - “Yes, sir.” - </p> - <p> - “Which of them kicked him first?” - </p> - <p> - “Why—they—they both kicked him at the same time. - </p> - <p> - “Are you perfectly sure of that?” - </p> - <p> - “Yes, sir.” - </p> - <p> - “What makes you sure of it?” - </p> - <p> - “Why, I stood right behind them, and saw them do it.” - </p> - <p> - “How many kicks were delivered?” - </p> - <p> - “Only one.” - </p> - <p> - “If two men kick, the result should be two kicks, shouldn't it?” - </p> - <p> - “Why—why yes, as a rule.” - </p> - <p> - “Then what do you think went with the other kick?” - </p> - <p> - “I—well—the fact is, I wasn't thinking of two being necessary, - this time.” - </p> - <p> - “What do you think now?” - </p> - <p> - “Well, I—I'm sure I don't quite know what to think, but I reckon - that one of them did half of the kick and the other one did the other - half.” - </p> - <p> - Somebody in the crowd sung out: “It's the first sane thing that any of - them has said.” - </p> - <p> - The audience applauded. The judge said: “Silence! or I will clear the - court.” - </p> - <p> - Mr. Allen looked pleased, but Wilson did not seem disturbed. He said: - </p> - <p> - “Mr. Rogers, you have favored us with what you think and what you reckon, - but as thinking and reckoning are not evidence, I will now give you a - chance to come out with something positive, one way or the other, and - shall require you to produce it. I will ask the accused to stand up and - repeat the phenomenal kick of last night.” The twins stood up. “Now, Mr. - Rogers, please stand behind them.” - </p> - <p> - A Voice: “No, stand in front!” (Laughter. Silenced by the court.) Another - Voice: “No, give Tommy another highst!” (Laughter. Sharply rebuked by the - court.) - </p> - <p> - “Now, then, Mr. Rogers, two kicks shall be delivered, one after the other, - and I give you my word that at least one of the two shall be delivered by - one of the twins alone, without the slightest assistance from his brother. - Watch sharply, for you have got to render a decision without any if's and - ands it.” Rogers bent himself behind the twins with his palms just above - his knees, in the modern attitude of the catcher at a baseball match, and - riveted his eyes on the pair of legs in front of him. - </p> - <p> - “Are you ready, Mr. Rogers?” - </p> - <p> - “Ready sir.” - </p> - <p> - The kick was launched. - </p> - <p> - “Have you got that one classified, Mr. Rogers?” - </p> - <p> - “Let me study a minute, sir.” - </p> - <p> - “Take as much time as you please. Let me know when you are ready.” - </p> - <p> - For as much as a minute Rogers pondered, with all eyes and a breathless - interest fastened upon him. Then he gave the word: “Ready, sir.” - </p> - <p> - “Kick!” - </p> - <p> - The kick that followed was an exact duplicate of the first one. - </p> - <p> - “Now, then, Mr. Rogers, one of those kicks was an individual kick, not a - mutual one. You will now state positively which was the mutual one.” - </p> - <p> - The witness said, with a crestfallen look: - </p> - <p> - “I've got to give it up. There ain't any man in the world that could tell - t'other from which, sir.” - </p> - <p> - “Do you still assert that last night's kick was a mutual kick?” - </p> - <p> - “Indeed, I don't, sir.” - </p> - <p> - “That will do, Mr. Rogers. If my brother Allen desires to address the - court, your honor, very well; but as far as I am concerned I am ready to - let the case be at once delivered into the hands of this intelligent jury - without comment.” - </p> - <p> - Mr. Justice Robinson had been in office only two months, and in that short - time had not had many cases to try, of course. He had no knowledge of laws - and courts except what he had picked up since he came into office. He was - a sore trouble to the lawyers, for his rulings were pretty eccentric - sometimes, and he stood by them with Roman simplicity and fortitude; but - the people were well satisfied with him, for they saw that his intentions - were always right, that he was entirely impartial, and that he usually - made up in good sense what he lacked in technique, so to speak. He now - perceived that there was likely to be a miscarriage of justice here, and - he rose to the occasion. - </p> - <p> - “Wait a moment, gentlemen,” he said, “it is plain that an assault has been - committed it is plain to anybody; but the way things are going, the guilty - will certainly escape conviction. I can not allow this. Now—-” - </p> - <p> - “But, your honor!” said Wilson, interrupting him, earnestly but - respectfully, “you are deciding the case yourself, whereas the jury—” - </p> - <p> - “Never mind the jury, Mr. Wilson; the jury will have a chance when there - is a reasonable doubt for them to take hold of—which there isn't, so - far. There is no doubt whatever that an assault has been committed. The - attempt to show that both of the accused committed it has failed. Are they - both to escape justice on that account? Not in this court, if I can - prevent it. It appears to have been a mistake to bring the charge against - them as a corporation; each should have been charged in his capacity as an - individual, and—” - </p> - <p> - “But, your honor!” said Wilson, “in fairness to my clients I must insist - that inasmuch as the prosecution did not separate the—” - </p> - <p> - “No wrong will be done your clients, sir—they will be protected; - also the public and the offended laws. Mr. Allen, you will amend your - pleadings, and put one of the accused on trial at a time.” - </p> - <p> - Wilson broke in: “But, your honor! this is wholly unprecedented! To - imperil an accused person by arbitrarily altering and widening the charge - against him in order to compass his conviction when the charge as - originally brought promises to fail to convict, is a thing unheard of - before.” - </p> - <p> - “Unheard of where?” - </p> - <p> - “In the courts of this or any other state.” - </p> - <p> - The judge said with dignity: “I am not acquainted with the customs of - other courts, and am not concerned to know what they are. I am responsible - for this court, and I cannot conscientiously allow my judgment to be - warped and my judicial liberty hampered by trying to conform to the - caprices of other courts, be they—” - </p> - <p> - “But, your honor, the oldest and highest courts in Europe—” - </p> - <p> - “This court is not run on the European plan, Mr. Wilson; it is not run on - any plan but its own. It has a plan of its own; and that plan is, to find - justice for both State and accused, no matter what happens to be practice - and custom in Europe or anywhere else.” (Great applause.) “Silence! It has - not been the custom of this court to imitate other courts; it has not been - the custom of this court to take shelter behind the decisions of other - courts, and we will not begin now. We will do the best we can by the light - that God has given us, and while this court continues to have His - approval, it will remain indifferent to what other organizations may think - of it.” (Applause.) “Gentlemen, I must have order!—quiet yourselves! - Mr. Allen, you will now proceed against the prisoners one at a time. Go on - with the case.” - </p> - <p> - Allen was not at his ease. However, after whispering a moment with his - client and with one or two other people, he rose and said: - </p> - <p> - “Your honor, I find it to be reported and believed that the accused are - able to act independently in many ways, but that this independence does - not extend to their legs, authority over their legs being vested - exclusively in the one brother during a specific term of days, and then - passing to the other brother for a like term, and so on, by regular - alternation. I could call witnesses who would prove that the accused had - revealed to them the existence of this extraordinary fact, and had also - made known which of them was in possession of the legs yesterday—and - this would, of course, indicate where the guilt of the assault belongs—but - as this would be mere hearsay evidence, these revelations not having been - made under oath—” - </p> - <p> - “Never mind about that, Mr. Allen. It may not all be hearsay. We shall - see. It may at least help to put us on the right track. Call the - witnesses.” - </p> - <p> - “Then I will call Mr. John Buckstone, who is now present, and I beg that - Mrs. Patsy Cooper may be sent for. Take the stand, Mr. Buckstone.” - </p> - <p> - Buckstone took the oath, and then testified that on the previous evening - the Count Angelo Capello had protested against going to the hall, and had - called all present to witness that he was going by compulsion and would - not go if he could help himself. Also, that the Count Luigi had replied - sharply that he would go, just the same, and that he, Count Luigi, would - see to that himself. Also, that upon Count Angelo's complaining about - being kept on his legs so long, Count Luigi retorted with apparent - surprise, “Your legs!—I like your impudence!” - </p> - <p> - “Now we are getting at the kernel of the thing,” observed the judge, with - grave and earnest satisfaction. “It looks as if the Count Luigi was in - possession of the battery at the time of the assault.” - </p> - <p> - Nothing further was elicited from Mr. Buckstone on direct examination. Mr. - Wilson took the witness. - </p> - <p> - “Mr. Buckstone, about what time was it that that conversation took place?” - </p> - <p> - “Toward nine yesterday evening, sir.” - </p> - <p> - “Did you then proceed directly to the hall?” - </p> - <p> - “Yes, sir.” - </p> - <p> - “How long did it take you to go there?” - </p> - <p> - “Well, we walked; and as it was from the extreme edge of the town, and - there was no hurry, I judge it took us about twenty minutes, maybe a - trifle more.” - </p> - <p> - “About what hour was the kick delivered?” - </p> - <p> - “About thirteen minutes and a half to ten.” - </p> - <p> - “Admirable! You are a pattern witness, Mr. Buckstone. How did you happen - to look at your watch at that particular moment?” - </p> - <p> - “I always do it when I see an assault. It's likely I shall be called as a - witness, and it's a good point to have.” - </p> - <p> - “It would be well if others were as thoughtful. Was anything said, between - the conversation at my house and the assault, upon the detail which we are - now examining into?” - </p> - <p> - “No, sir.” - </p> - <p> - “If power over the mutual legs was in the possession of one brother at - nine, and passed into the possession of the other one during the next - thirty or forty minutes, do you think you could have detected the change?” - </p> - <p> - “By no means!” - </p> - <p> - “That is all, Mr. Buckstone.” - </p> - <p> - Mrs. Patsy Cooper was called. The crowd made way for her, and she came - smiling and bowing through the narrow human lane, with Betsy Hale, as - escort and support, smiling and bowing in her wake, the audience breaking - into welcoming cheers as the old favorites filed along. The judge did not - check this kindly demonstration of homage and affection, but let it run - its course unrebuked. - </p> - <p> - The old ladies stopped and shook hands with the twins with effusion, then - gave the judge a friendly nod, and bustled into the seats provided for - them. They immediately began to deliver a volley of eager questions at the - friends around them: “What is this thing for?” “What is that thing for?” - “Who is that young man that's writing at the desk? Why, I declare, it's - Jack Bunce! I thought he was sick.” “Which is the jury? Why, is that the - jury? Billy Price and Job Turner, and Jack Lounsbury, and—well, I - never!” “Now who would ever 'a' thought—” - </p> - <p> - But they were gently called to order at this point, and asked not to talk - in court. Their tongues fell silent, but the radiant interest in their - faces remained, and their gratitude for the blessing of a new sensation - and a novel experience still beamed undimmed from their eyes. Aunt Patsy - stood up and took the oath, and Mr. Allen explained the point in issue, - and asked her to go on now, in her own way, and throw as much light upon - it as she could. She toyed with her reticule a moment or two, as if - considering where to begin, then she said: - </p> - <p> - “Well, the way of it is this. They are Luigi's legs a week at a time, and - then they are Angelo's, and he can do whatever he wants to with them.” - </p> - <p> - “You are making a mistake, Aunt Patsy Cooper,” said the judge. “You - shouldn't state that as a fact, because you don't know it to be a fact.” - </p> - <p> - “What's the reason I don't?” said Aunt Patsy, bridling a little. - </p> - <p> - “What is the reason that you do know it?” - </p> - <p> - “The best in the world because they told me.” - </p> - <p> - “That isn't a reason.” - </p> - <p> - “Well, for the land's sake! Betsy Hale, do you hear that?” - </p> - <p> - “Hear it? I should think so,” said Aunt Betsy, rising and facing the - court. “Why, Judge, I was there and heard it myself. Luigi says to Angelo—no, - it was Angelo said it to—” - </p> - <p> - “Come, come, Mrs. Hale, pray sit down, and—” - </p> - <p> - “Certainly, it's all right, I'm going to sit down presently, but not until - I've—” - </p> - <p> - “But you must sit down!” - </p> - <p> - “Must! Well, upon my word if things ain't getting to a pretty pass when—” - </p> - <p> - The house broke into laughter, but was promptly brought to order, and - meantime Mr. Allen persuaded the old lady to take her seat. Aunt Patsy - continued: - </p> - <p> - “Yes, they told me that, and I know it's true. They're Luigi's legs this - week, but—” - </p> - <p> - “Ah, they told you that, did they?” said the Justice, with interest. - </p> - <p> - “Well, no, I don't know that they told me, but that's neither here nor - there. I know, without that, that at dinner yesterday, Angelo was as tired - as a dog, and yet Luigi wouldn't lend him the legs to go up-stairs and - take a nap with.” - </p> - <p> - “Did he ask for them?” - </p> - <p> - “Let me see—it seems to me, somehow, that—that—Aunt - Betsy, do you remember whether he—” - </p> - <p> - “Never mind about what Aunt Betsy remembers—she is not a witness; we - only want to know what YOU remember yourself,” said the judge. - </p> - <p> - “Well, it does seem to me that you are most cantankerously particular - about a little thing, Sim Robinson. Why, when I can't remember a thing - myself, I always—” - </p> - <p> - “Ah, please go on!” - </p> - <p> - “Now how can she when you keep fussing at her all the time?” said Aunt - Betsy. “Why, with a person pecking at me that way, I should get that - fuzzled and fuddled that—” - </p> - <p> - She was on her feet again, but Allen coaxed her into her seat once more, - while the court squelched the mirth of the house. Then the judge said: - </p> - <p> - “Madam, do you know—do you absolutely know, independently of - anything these gentlemen have told you—that the power over their - legs passes from the one to the other regularly every week?” - </p> - <p> - “Regularly? Bless your heart, regularly ain't any name for the exactness - of it! All the big cities in Europe used to set the clocks by it.” - (Laughter, suppressed by the court.) - </p> - <p> - “How do you know? That is the question. Please answer it plainly and - squarely.” - </p> - <p> - “Don't you talk to me like that, Sim Robinson—I won't have it. How - do I know, indeed! How do YOU know what you know? Because somebody told - you. You didn't invent it out of your own head, did you? Why, these twins - are the truthfulest people in the world; and I don't think it becomes you - to sit up there and throw slurs at them when they haven't been doing - anything to you. And they are orphans besides—both of them. All—” - </p> - <p> - But Aunt Betsy was up again now, and both old ladies were talking at once - and with all their might; but as the house was weltering in a storm of - laughter, and the judge was hammering his desk with an iron paper-weight, - one could only see them talk, not hear them. At last, when quiet was - restored, the court said: - </p> - <p> - “Let the ladies retire.” - </p> - <p> - “But, your honor, I have the right, in the interest of my clients,—to - cross-exam—” - </p> - <p> - “You'll not need to exercise it, Mr. Wilson—the evidence is thrown - out.” - </p> - <p> - “Thrown out!” said Aunt Patsy, ruffled; “and what's it thrown out for, I'd - like to know.” - </p> - <p> - “And so would I, Patsy Cooper. It seems to me that if we can save these - poor persecuted strangers, it is our bounden duty to stand up here and - talk for them till—” - </p> - <p> - “There, there, there, do sit down!” - </p> - <p> - It cost some trouble and a good deal of coaxing, but they were got into - their seats at last. The trial was soon ended now. The twins themselves - became witnesses in their own defense. They established the fact, upon - oath, that the leg-power passed from one to the other every Saturday night - at twelve o'clock sharp. But on cross-examination their counsel would not - allow them to tell whose week of power the current week was. The judge - insisted upon their answering, and proposed to compel them, but even the - prosecution took fright and came to the rescue then, and helped stay the - sturdy jurist's revolutionary hand. So the case had to go to the jury with - that important point hanging in the air. They were out an hour and brought - in this verdict: - </p> - <p> - “We the jury do find: 1, that an assault was committed, as charged; 2, - that it was committed by one of the persons accused, he having been seen - to do it by several credible witnesses; 3, but that his identity is so - merged in his brother's that we have not been able to tell which was him. - We cannot convict both, for only one is guilty. We cannot acquit both, for - only one is innocent. Our verdict is that justice has been defeated by the - dispensation of God, and ask to be discharged from further duty.” - </p> - <p> - This was read aloud in court and brought out a burst of hearty applause. - The old ladies made a spring at the twins, to shake and congratulate, but - were gently disengaged by Mr. Wilson and softly crowded back into their - places. - </p> - <p> - The judge rose in his little tribune, laid aside his silver-bowed - spectacles, roached his gray hair up with his fingers, and said, with - dignity and solemnity, and even with a certain pathos: - </p> - <p> - “In all my experience on the bench, I have not seen justice bow her head - in shame in this court until this day. You little realize what - far-reaching harm has just been wrought here under the fickle forms of - law. Imitation is the bane of courts—I thank God that this one is - free from the contamination of that vice—and in no long time you - will see the fatal work of this hour seized upon by profligate so-called - guardians of justice in all the wide circumstance of this planet and - perpetuated in their pernicious decisions. I wash my hands of this - iniquity. I would have compelled these culprits to expose their guilt, but - support failed me where I had most right to expect aid and encouragement. - And I was confronted by a law made in the interest of crime, which - protects the criminal from testifying against himself. Yet I had - precedents of my own whereby I had set aside that law on two different - occasions and thus succeeded in convicting criminals to whose crimes there - were no witnesses but themselves. What have you accomplished this day? Do - you realize it? You have set adrift, unadmonished, in this community, two - men endowed with an awful and mysterious gift, a hidden and grisly power - for evil—a power by which each in his turn may commit crime after - crime of the most heinous character, and no man be able to tell which is - the guilty or which the innocent party in any case of them all. Look to - your homes—look to your property—look to your lives—for - you have need! - </p> - <p> - “Prisoners at the bar, stand up. Through suppression of evidence, a jury - of your—our—countrymen have been obliged to deliver a verdict - concerning your case which stinks to heaven with the rankness of its - injustice. By its terms you, the guilty one, go free with the innocent. - Depart in peace, and come no more! The costs devolve upon the outraged - plaintiff—another iniquity. The court stands dissolved.” - </p> - <p> - Almost everybody crowded forward to overwhelm the twins and their counsel - with congratulations; but presently the two old aunties dug the duplicates - out and bore them away in triumph through the hurrahing crowd, while lots - of new friends carried Pudd'nhead Wilson off tavern-ward to feast him and - “wet down” his great and victorious entry into the legal arena. To Wilson, - so long familiar with neglect and depreciation, this strange new incense - of popularity and admiration was as a fragrance blown from the fields of - paradise. A happy man was Wilson. - </p> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> - <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER VI. THE AMAZING DUEL - </h2> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - A deputation came in the evening and conferred upon Wilson the - welcome honor of a nomination for mayor; for the village has just - been converted into a city by charter. Tom skulks out of - challenging the twins. Judge Driscoll thereupon challenges Angelo - (accused by Tom of doing the kicking); he declines, but Luigi - accepts in his place against Angelo's timid protest. -</pre> - <p> - It was late Saturday night nearing eleven. - </p> - <p> - The judge and his second found the rest of the war party at the further - end of the vacant ground, near the haunted house. Pudd'nhead Wilson - advanced to meet them, and said anxiously: - </p> - <p> - “I must say a word in behalf of my principal's proxy, Count Luigi, to whom - you have kindly granted the privilege of fighting my principal's battle - for him. It is growing late, and Count Luigi is in great trouble lest - midnight shall strike before the finish.” - </p> - <p> - “It is another testimony,” said Howard, approvingly. “That young man is - fine all through. He wishes to save his brother the sorrow of fighting on - the Sabbath, and he is right; it is the right and manly feeling and does - him credit. We will make all possible haste.” - </p> - <p> - Wilson said: “There is also another reason—a consideration, in fact, - which deeply concerns Count Luigi himself. These twins have command of - their mutual legs turn about. Count Luigi is in command now; but at - midnight, possession will pass to my principal, Count Angelo, and—well, - you can foresee what will happen. He will march straight off the field, - and carry Luigi with him.” - </p> - <p> - “Why! sure enough!” cried the judge, “we have heard something about that - extraordinary law of their being, already—nothing very definite, it - is true, as regards dates and durations of power, but I see it is definite - enough as regards to-night. Of course we must give Luigi every chance. - Omit all the ceremonial possible, gentlemen, and place us in position.” - </p> - <p> - The seconds at once tossed up a coin; Howard won the choice. He placed the - judge sixty feet from the haunted house and facing it; Wilson placed the - twins within fifteen feet of the house and facing the judge—necessarily. - The pistol-case was opened and the long slim tubes taken out; when the - moonlight glinted from them a shiver went through Angelo. The doctor was a - fool, but a thoroughly well-meaning one, with a kind heart and a sincere - disposition to oblige, but along with it an absence of tact which often - hurt its effectiveness. He brought his box of lint and bandages, and asked - Angelo to feel and see how soft and comfortable they were. Angelo's head - fell over against Luigi's in a faint, and precious time was lost in - bringing him to; which provoked Luigi into expressing his mind to the - doctor with a good deal of vigor and frankness. After Angelo came to he - was still so weak that Luigi was obliged to drink a stiff horn of brandy - to brace him up. - </p> - <p> - The seconds now stepped at once to their posts, halfway between the - combatants, one of them on each side of the line of fire. Wilson was to - count, very deliberately, “One-two-three-fire!—stop!” and the - duelists could bang away at any time they chose during that recitation, - but not after the last word. Angelo grew very nervous when he saw Wilson's - hand rising slowly into the air as a sign to make ready, and he leaned his - head against Luigi's and said: - </p> - <p> - “Oh, please take me away from here, I can't stay, I know I can't!” - </p> - <p> - “What in the world are you doing? Straighten up! What's the matter with - you?—you're in no danger—nobody's going to shoot at you. - Straighten up, I tell you!” - </p> - <p> - Angelo obeyed, just in time to hear: - </p> - <p> - “One—!” - </p> - <p> - “Bang!” Just one report, and a little tuft of white hair floated slowly to - the judge's feet in the moonlight. The judge did not swerve; he still - stood erect and motionless, like a statue, with his pistol-arm hanging - straight down at his side. He was reserving his fire. - </p> - <p> - “Two—!” - </p> - <p> - “Three—“! - </p> - <p> - “Fire—!” - </p> - <p> - Up came the pistol-arm instantly-Angelo dodged with the report. He said - “Ouch!” and fainted again. - </p> - <p> - The doctor examined and bandaged the wound. - </p> - <p> - It was of no consequence, he said—bullet through fleshy part of arm—no - bones broken—the gentleman was still able to fight let the duel - proceed. - </p> - <p> - Next time Angelo jumped just as Luigi fired, which disordered his aim and - caused him to cut a chip off of Howard's ear. The judge took his time - again, and when he fired Angelo jumped and got a knuckle skinned. The - doctor inspected and dressed the wounds. Angelo now spoke out and said he - was content with the satisfaction he had got, and if the judge—but - Luigi shut him roughly up, and asked him not to make an ass of himself; - adding: - </p> - <p> - “And I want you to stop dodging. You take a great deal too prominent a - part in this thing for a person who has got nothing to do with it. You - should remember that you are here only by courtesy, and are without - official recognition; officially you are not here at all; officially you - do not even exist. To all intents and purposes you are absent from this - place, and you ought for your own modesty's sake to reflect that it cannot - become a person who is not present here to be taking this sort of public - and indecent prominence in a matter in which he is not in the slightest - degree concerned. Now, don't dodge again; the bullets are not for you, - they are for me; if I want them dodged I will attend to it myself. I never - saw a person act so.” - </p> - <p> - Angelo saw the reasonableness of what his brother had said, and he did try - to reform, but it was of no use; both pistols went off at the same - instant, and he jumped once more; he got a sharp scrape along his cheek - from the judge's bullet, and so deflected Luigi's aim that his ball went - wide and chipped a flake of skin from Pudd'nhead Wilson's chin. The doctor - attended to the wounded. - </p> - <p> - By the terms, the duel was over. But Luigi was entirely out of patience, - and begged for one more exchange of shots, insisting that he had had no - fair chance, on account of his brother's indelicate behavior. Howard was - opposed to granting so unusual a privilege, but the judge took Luigi's - part, and added that indeed he himself might fairly be considered entitled - to another trial, because although the proxy on the other side was in no - way to blame for his (the judge's) humiliatingly resultless work, the - gentleman with whom he was fighting this duel was to blame for it, since - if he had played no advantages and had held his head still, his proxy - would have been disposed of early. He added: - </p> - <p> - “Count Luigi's request for another exchange is another proof that he is a - brave and chivalrous gentleman, and I beg that the courtesy he asks may be - accorded him.” - </p> - <p> - “I thank you most sincerely for this generosity, Judge Driscoll,” said - Luigi, with a polite bow, and moving to his place. Then he added—to - Angelo, “Now hold your grip, hold your grip, I tell you, and I'll land him - sure!” - </p> - <p> - The men stood erect, their pistol-arms at their sides, the two seconds - stood at their official posts, the doctor stood five paces in Wilson's - rear with his instruments and bandages in his hands. The deep stillness, - the peaceful moonlight, the motionless figures, made an impressive picture - and the impending fatal possibilities augmented this impressiveness to - solemnity. Wilson's hand began to rise—slowly—slowly—higher—still - higher—still higher—in another moment: - </p> - <p> - “Boom!” the first stroke of midnight swung up out of the distance; Angelo - was off like a deer! - </p> - <p> - “Oh, you unspeakable traitor!” wailed his brother, as they went soaring - over the fence. - </p> - <p> - The others stood astonished and gazing; and so stood, watching that - strange spectacle until distance dissolved it and swept it from their - view. Then they rubbed their eyes like people waking out of a dream. - </p> - <p> - “Well, I've never seen anything like that before!” said the judge. - “Wilson, I am going to confess now, that I wasn't quite able to believe in - that leg business, and had a suspicion that it was a put-up convenience - between those twins; and when Count Angelo fainted I thought I saw the - whole scheme—thought it was pretext No. 1, and would be followed by - others till twelve o'clock should arrive, and Luigi would get off with all - the credit of seeming to want to fight and yet not have to fight, after - all. But I was mistaken. His pluck proved it. He's a brave fellow and did - want to fight.” - </p> - <p> - “There isn't any doubt about that,” said Howard, and added, in a grieved - tone, “but what an unworthy sort of Christian that Angelo is—I hope - and believe there are not many like him. It is not right to engage in a - duel on the Sabbath—I could not approve of that myself; but to - finish one that has been begun—that is a duty, let the day be what - it may.” - </p> - <p> - They strolled along, still wondering, still talking. - </p> - <p> - “It is a curious circumstance,” remarked the surgeon, halting Wilson a - moment to paste some more court-plaster on his chin, which had gone to - leaking blood again, “that in this duel neither of the parties who handled - the pistols lost blood while nearly all the persons present in the mere - capacity of guests got hit. I have not heard of such a thing before. Don't - you think it unusual?” - </p> - <p> - “Yes,” said the Judge, “it has struck me as peculiar. Peculiar and - unfortunate. I was annoyed at it, all the time. In the case of Angelo it - made no great difference, because he was in a measure concerned, though - not officially; but it troubled me to see the seconds compromised, and yet - I knew no way to mend the matter. - </p> - <p> - “There was no way to mend it,” said Howard, whose ear was being readjusted - now by the doctor; “the code fixes our place, and it would not have been - lawful to change it. If we could have stood at your side, or behind you, - or in front of you, it—but it would not have been legitimate and the - other parties would have had a just right to complain of our trying to - protect ourselves from danger; infractions of the code are certainly not - permissible in any case whatever.” - </p> - <p> - Wilson offered no remarks. It seemed to him that there was very little - place here for so much solemnity, but he judged that if a duel where - nobody was in danger or got crippled but the seconds and the outsiders had - nothing ridiculous about it for these gentlemen, his pointing out that - feature would probably not help them to see it. - </p> - <p> - He invited them in to take a nightcap, and Howard and the judge accepted, - but the doctor said he would have to go and see how Angelo's principal - wound was getting on. - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - [It was now Sunday, and in the afternoon Angelo was to be received - into the Baptist communion by immersion—a doubtful prospect, the - doctor feared.] -</pre> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> - <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER VII. LUIGI DEFIES GALEN - </h2> - <p> - When the doctor arrived at Aunt Patsy Cooper's house, he found the lights - going and everybody up and dressed and in a great state of solicitude and - excitement. The twins were stretched on a sofa in the sitting-room, Aunt - Patsy was fussing at Angelo's arm, Nancy was flying around under her - commands, the two young boys were trying to keep out of the way and always - getting in it, in order to see and wonder, Rowena stood apart, helpless - with apprehension and emotion, and Luigi was growling in unappeasable fury - over Angelo's shameful flight. - </p> - <p> - As has been reported before, the doctor was a fool—a kind-hearted - and well-meaning one, but with no tact; and as he was by long odds the - most learned physician in the town, and was quite well aware of it, and - could talk his learning with ease and precision, and liked to show off - when he had an audience, he was sometimes tempted into revealing more of a - case than was good for the patient. - </p> - <p> - He examined Angelo's wound, and was really minded to say nothing for once; - but Aunt Patsy was so anxious and so pressing that he allowed his caution - to be overcome, and proceeded to empty himself as follows, with scientific - relish: - </p> - <p> - “Without going too much into detail, madam—for you would probably - not understand it, anyway—I concede that great care is going to be - necessary here; otherwise exudation of the esophagus is nearly sure to - ensue, and this will be followed by ossification and extradition of the - maxillaris superioris, which must decompose the granular surfaces of the - great infusorial ganglionic system, thus obstructing the action of the - posterior varioloid arteries, and precipitating compound strangulated - sorosis of the valvular tissues, and ending unavoidably in the dispersion - and combustion of the marsupial fluxes and the consequent embrocation of - the bicuspid populo redax referendum rotulorum.” - </p> - <p> - A miserable silence followed. Aunt Patsy's heart sank, the pallor of - despair invaded her face, she was not able to speak; poor Rowena wrung her - hands in privacy and silence, and said to herself in the bitterness of her - young grief, “There is no hope—it is plain there is no hope”; the - good-hearted negro wench, Nancy, paled to chocolate, then to orange, then - to amber, and thought to herself with yearning sympathy and sorrow, “Po' - thing, he ain' gwyne to las' throo de half o' dat”; small Henry choked up, - and turned his head away to hide his rising tears, and his brother Joe - said to himself, with a sense of loss, “The baptizing's busted, that's - sure.” Luigi was the only person who had any heart to speak. He said, a - little bit sharply, to the doctor: - </p> - <p> - “Well, well, there's nothing to be gained by wasting precious time; give - him a barrel of pills—I'll take them for him.” - </p> - <p> - “You?” asked the doctor. - </p> - <p> - “Yes. Did you suppose he was going to take them himself?” - </p> - <p> - “Why, of course.” - </p> - <p> - “Well, it's a mistake. He never took a dose of medicine in his life. He - can't.” - </p> - <p> - “Well, upon my word, it's the most extraordinary thing I ever heard of!” - </p> - <p> - “Oh,” said Aunt Patsy, as pleased as a mother whose child is being admired - and wondered at; “you'll find that there's more about them that's - wonderful than their just being made in the image of God like the rest of - His creatures, now you can depend on that, I tell you,” and she wagged her - complacent head like one who could reveal marvelous things if she chose. - </p> - <p> - The boy Joe began: - </p> - <p> - “Why, ma, they ain't made in the im—” - </p> - <p> - “You shut up, and wait till you're asked, Joe. I'll let you know when I - want help. Are you looking for something, doctor?” - </p> - <p> - The doctor asked for a few sheets of paper and a pen, and said he would - write a prescription; which he did. It was one of Galen's; in fact, it was - Galen's favorite, and had been slaying people for sixteen thousand years. - Galen used it for everything, applied it to everything, said it would - remove everything, from warts all the way through to lungs and it - generally did. Galen was still the only medical authority recognized in - Missouri; his practice was the only practice known to the Missouri - doctors, and his prescriptions were the only ammunition they carried when - they went out for game. - </p> - <p> - By and by Dr. Claypool laid down his pen and read the result of his labors - aloud, carefully and deliberately, for this battery must be constructed on - the premises by the family, and mistakes could occur; for he wrote a - doctor's hand—the hand which from the beginning of time has been so - disastrous to the apothecary and so profitable to the undertaker: - </p> - <p> - “Take of afarabocca, henbane, corpobalsamum, each two drams and a half; of - cloves, opium, myrrh, cyperus, each two drams; of opobalsamum, Indian - leaf, cinnamon, zedoary, ginger, coftus, coral, cassia, euphorbium, gum - tragacanth, frankincense, styrax calamita, Celtic, nard, spignel, - hartwort, mustard, saxifrage, dill, anise, each one dram; of xylaloes, - rheum ponticum, alipta, moschata, castor, spikenard, galangals, opoponax, - anacardium, mastich, brimstone, peony, eringo, pulp of dates, red and - white hermodactyls, roses, thyme, acorns, pennyroyal, gentian, the bark of - the root of mandrake, germander, valerian, bishop's-weed, bayberries, long - and white pepper, xylobalsamum, carnabadium, macedonian, parsley seeds, - lovage, the seeds of rue, and sinon, of each a dram and a half; of pure - gold, pure silver, pearls not perforated, the blatta byzantina, the bone - of the stag's heart, of each the quantity of fourteen grains of wheat; of - sapphire, emerald and jasper stones, each one dram; of hazel-nuts, two - drams; of pellitory of Spain, shavings of ivory, calamus odoratus, each - the quantity of twenty-nine grains of wheat; of honey or sugar a - sufficient quantity. Boil down and skim off.” - </p> - <p> - “There,” he said, “that will fix the patient; give his brother a dipperful - every three-quarters of an hour—” - </p> - <p> - “—while he survives,” muttered Luigi— - </p> - <p> - “—and see that the room is kept wholesomely hot, and the doors and - windows closed tight. Keep Count Angelo nicely covered up with six or - seven blankets, and when he is thirsty—which will be frequently—moisten - a rag in the vapor of the tea kettle and let his brother suck it. When he - is hungry—which will also be frequently—he must not be humored - oftener than every seven or eight hours; then toast part of a cracker - until it begins to brown, and give it to his brother.” - </p> - <p> - “That is all very well, as far as Angelo is concerned,” said Luigi, “but - what am I to eat?” - </p> - <p> - “I do not see that there is anything the matter with you,” the doctor - answered, “you may, of course, eat what you please.” - </p> - <p> - “And also drink what I please, I suppose?” - </p> - <p> - “Oh, certainly—at present. When the violent and continuous - perspiring has reduced your strength, I shall have to reduce your diet, of - course, and also bleed you, but there is no occasion for that yet awhile.” - He turned to Aunt Patsy and said: “He must be put to bed, and sat up with, - and tended with the greatest care, and not allowed to stir for several - days and nights.” - </p> - <p> - “For one, I'm sacredly thankful for that,” said Luigi, “it postpones the - funeral—I'm not to be drowned to-day, anyhow.” - </p> - <p> - Angelo said quietly to the doctor: - </p> - <p> - “I will cheerfully submit to all your requirements, sir, up to two o'clock - this afternoon, and will resume them after three, but cannot be confined - to the house during that intermediate hour.” - </p> - <p> - “Why, may I ask?” - </p> - <p> - “Because I have entered the Baptist communion, and by appointment am to be - baptised in the river at that hour.” - </p> - <p> - “Oh, insanity!—it cannot be allowed!” - </p> - <p> - Angelo answered with placid firmness: - </p> - <p> - “Nothing shall prevent it, if I am alive.” - </p> - <p> - “Why, consider, my dear sir, in your condition it might prove fatal.” - </p> - <p> - A tender and ecstatic smile beamed from Angelo's eyes, and he broke forth - in a tone of joyous fervency: - </p> - <p> - “Ah, how blessed it would be to die for such a cause—it would be - martyrdom!” - </p> - <p> - “But your brother—consider your brother; you would be risking his - life, too.” - </p> - <p> - “He risked mine an hour ago,” responded Angelo, gloomily; “did he consider - me?” A thought swept through his mind that made him shudder. “If I had not - run, I might have been killed in a duel on the Sabbath day, and my soul - would have been lost—lost.” - </p> - <p> - “Oh, don't fret, it wasn't in any danger,” said Luigi, irritably; “they - wouldn't waste it for a little thing like that; there's a glass case all - ready for it in the heavenly museum, and a pin to stick it up with.” - </p> - <p> - Aunt Patsy was shocked, and said: - </p> - <p> - “Looy, Looy!—don't talk so, dear!” - </p> - <p> - Rowena's soft heart was pierced by Luigi's unfeeling words, and she - murmured to herself, “Oh, if I but had the dear privilege of protecting - and defending him with my weak voice!—but alas! this sweet boon is - denied me by the cruel conventions of social intercourse.” - </p> - <p> - “Get their bed ready,” said Aunt Patsy to Nancy, “and shut up the windows - and doors, and light their candles, and see that you drive all the - mosquitoes out of their bar, and make up a good fire in their stove, and - carry up some bags of hot ashes to lay to his feet—” - </p> - <p> - “—and a shovel of fire for his head, and a mustard plaster for his - neck, and some gum shoes for his ears,” Luigi interrupted, with temper; - and added, to himself, “Damnation, I'm going to be roasted alive, I just - know it!” - </p> - <p> - “Why, Looy! Do be quiet; I never saw such a fractious thing. A body would - think you didn't care for your brother.” - </p> - <p> - “I don't—to that extent, Aunt Patsy. I was glad the drowning was - postponed a minute ago, but I'm not now. No, that is all gone by; I want - to be drowned.” - </p> - <p> - “You'll bring a judgment on yourself just as sure as you live, if you go - on like that. Why, I never heard the beat of it. Now, there—there! - you've said enough. Not another word out of you—I won't have it!” - </p> - <p> - “But, Aunt Patsy—” - </p> - <p> - “Luigi! Didn't you hear what I told you?” - </p> - <p> - “But, Aunt Patsy, I—why, I'm not going to set my heart and lungs - afloat in that pail of sewage which this criminal here has been prescri—” - </p> - <p> - “Yes, you are, too. You are going to be good, and do everything I tell - you, like a dear,” and she tapped his cheek affectionately with her - finger. “Rowena, take the prescription and go in the kitchen and hunt up - the things and lay them out for me. I'll sit up with my patient the rest - of the night, doctor; I can't trust Nancy, she couldn't make Luigi take - the medicine. Of course, you'll drop in again during the day. Have you got - any more directions?” - </p> - <p> - “No, I believe not, Aunt Patsy. If I don't get in earlier, I'll be along - by early candle-light, anyway. Meantime, don't allow him to get out of his - bed.” - </p> - <p> - Angelo said, with calm determination: - </p> - <p> - “I shall be baptized at two o'clock. Nothing but death shall prevent me.” - </p> - <p> - The doctor said nothing aloud, but to himself he said: - </p> - <p> - “Why, this chap's got a manly side, after all! Physically he's a coward, - but morally he's a lion. I'll go and tell the others about this; it will - raise him a good deal in their estimation—and the public will follow - their lead, of course.” - </p> - <p> - Privately, Aunt Patsy applauded too, and was proud of Angelo's courage in - the moral field as she was of Luigi's in the field of honor. - </p> - <p> - The boy Henry was troubled, but the boy Joe said, inaudibly, and - gratefully, “We're all honky, after all; and no postponement on account of - the weather.” - </p> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> - <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER VIII. BAPTISM OF THE BETTER HALF - </h2> - <p> - By nine o'clock the town was humming with the news of the midnight duel, - and there were but two opinions about it: one, that Luigi's pluck in the - field was most praiseworthy and Angelo's flight most scandalous; the - other, that Angelo's courage in flying the field for conscience' sake was - as fine and creditable as was Luigi's in holding the field in the face of - the bullets. The one opinion was held by half of the town, the other one - was maintained by the other half. The division was clean and exact, and it - made two parties, an Angelo party and a Luigi party. The twins had - suddenly become popular idols along with Pudd'nhead Wilson, and haloed - with a glory as intense as his. The children talked the duel all the way - to Sunday-school, their elders talked it all the way to church, the choir - discussed it behind their red curtain, it usurped the place of pious - thought in the “nigger gallery.” - </p> - <p> - By noon the doctor had added the news, and spread it, that Count Angelo, - in spite of his wound and all warnings and supplications, was resolute in - his determination to be baptized at the hour appointed. This swept the - town like wildfire, and mightily reinforced the enthusiasm of the Angelo - faction, who said, “If any doubted that it was moral courage that took him - from the field, what have they to say now!” - </p> - <p> - Still the excitement grew. All the morning it was traveling countryward, - toward all points of the compass; so, whereas before only the farmers and - their wives were intending to come and witness the remarkable baptism, a - general holiday was now proclaimed and the children and negroes admitted - to the privileges of the occasion. All the farms for ten miles around were - vacated, all the converging roads emptied long processions of wagons, - horses, and yeomanry into the town. The pack and cram of people vastly - exceeded any that had ever been seen in that sleepy region before. The - only thing that had ever even approached it, was the time long gone by, - but never forgotten, nor even referred to without wonder and pride, when - two circuses and a Fourth of July fell together. But the glory of that - occasion was extinguished now for good. It was but a freshet to this - deluge. - </p> - <p> - The great invasion massed itself on the river-bank and waited hungrily for - the immense event. Waited, and wondered if it would really happen, or if - the twin who was not a “professor” would stand out and prevent it. - </p> - <p> - But they were not to be disappointed. Angelo was as good as his word. He - came attended by an escort of honor composed of several hundred of the - best citizens, all of the Angelo party; and when the immersion was - finished they escorted him back home and would even have carried him on - their shoulders, but that people might think they were carrying Luigi. - </p> - <p> - Far into the night the citizens continued to discuss and wonder over the - strangely mated pair of incidents that had distinguished and exalted the - past twenty-four hours above any other twenty-four in the history of their - town for picturesqueness and splendid interest; and long before the lights - were out and burghers asleep it had been decided on all hands that in - capturing these twins Dawson's Landing had drawn a prize in the great - lottery of municipal fortune. - </p> - <p> - At midnight Angelo was sleeping peacefully. His immersion had not harmed - him, it had merely made him wholesomely drowsy, and he had been dead - asleep many hours now. It had made Luigi drowsy, too, but he had got only - brief naps, on account of his having to take the medicine every - three-quarters of an hour-and Aunt Betsy Hale was there to see that he did - it. When he complained and resisted, she was quietly firm with him, and - said in a low voice: - </p> - <p> - “No-no, that won't do; you mustn't talk, and you mustn't retch and gag - that way, either—you'll wake up your poor brother.” - </p> - <p> - “Well, what of it, Aunt Betsy, he—” - </p> - <p> - “'Sh-h! Don't make a noise dear. You mustn't forget that your poor brother - is sick and—” - </p> - <p> - “Sick, is he? Well, I wish I—” - </p> - <p> - “'Sh-h-h! Will you be quiet, Luigi! Here, now, take the rest of it—don't - keep me holding the dipper all night. I declare if you haven't left a good - fourth of it in the bottom! Come—that's a good— - </p> - <p> - “Aunt Betsy, don't make me! I feel like I've swallowed a cemetery; I do, - indeed. Do let me rest a little—just a little; I can't take any more - of the devilish stuff now.” - </p> - <p> - “Luigi! Using such language here, and him just baptized! Do you want the - roof to fall on you?” - </p> - <p> - “I wish to goodness it would!” - </p> - <p> - “Why, you dreadful thing! I've a good notion to—let that blanket - alone; do you want your brother to catch his death?” - </p> - <p> - “Aunt Betsy, I've got to have it off, I'm being roasted alive; nobody - could stand it—you couldn't yourself.” - </p> - <p> - “Now, then, you're sneezing again—I just expected it.” - </p> - <p> - “Because I've caught a cold in my head. I always do, when I go in the - water with my clothes on. And it takes me weeks to get over it, too. I - think it was a shame to serve me so.” - </p> - <p> - “Luigi, you are unreasonable; you know very well they couldn't baptize him - dry. I should think you would be willing to undergo a little inconvenience - for your brother's sake.” - </p> - <p> - “Inconvenience! Now how you talk, Aunt Betsy. I came as near as anything - to getting drowned you saw that yourself; and do you call this - inconvenience?—the room shut up as tight as a drum, and so hot the - mosquitoes are trying to get out; and a cold in the head, and dying for - sleep and no chance to get any—on account of this infamous medicine - that that assassin prescri—” - </p> - <p> - “There, you're sneezing again. I'm going down and mix some more of this - truck for you, dear.” - </p> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> - <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER IX. THE DRINKLESS DRUNK - </h2> - <p> - During Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday the twins grew steadily worse; but - then the doctor was summoned South to attend his mother's funeral, and - they got well in forty-eight hours. They appeared on the street on Friday, - and were welcomed with enthusiasm by the new-born parties, the Luigi and - Angelo factions. The Luigi faction carried its strength into the - Democratic party, the Angelo faction entered into a combination with the - Whigs. The Democrats nominated Luigi for alderman under the new city - government, and the Whigs put up Angelo against him. The Democrats - nominated Pudd'nhead Wilson for mayor, and he was left alone in this - glory, for the Whigs had no man who was willing to enter the lists against - such a formidable opponent. No politician had scored such a compliment as - this before in the history of the Mississippi Valley. - </p> - <p> - The political campaign in Dawson's Landing opened in a pretty warm - fashion, and waxed hotter every week. Luigi's whole heart was in it, and - even Angelo developed a surprising amount of interest-which was natural, - because he was not merely representing Whigism, a matter of no consequence - to him; but he was representing something immensely finer and greater—to - wit, Reform. In him was centered the hopes of the whole reform element of - the town; he was the chosen and admired champion of every clique that had - a pet reform of any sort or kind at heart. He was president of the great - Teetotalers' Union, its chiefest prophet and mouthpiece. - </p> - <p> - But as the canvass went on, troubles began to spring up all around—troubles - for the twins, and through them for all the parties and segments and - fractions of parties. Whenever Luigi had possession of the legs, he - carried Angelo to balls, rum shops, Sons of Liberty parades, horse-races, - campaign riots, and everywhere else that could damage him with his party - and the church; and when it was Angelo's week he carried Luigi diligently - to all manner of moral and religious gatherings, doing his best to regain - the ground he had lost before. As a result of these double performances, - there was a storm blowing all the time, an ever-rising storm, too—a - storm of frantic criticism of the twins, and rage over their extravagant, - incomprehensible conduct. - </p> - <p> - Luigi had the final chance. The legs were his for the closing week of the - canvass. He led his brother a fearful dance. - </p> - <p> - But he saved his best card for the very eve of the election. There was to - be a grand turnout of the Teetotalers' Union that day, and Angelo was to - march at the head of the procession and deliver a great oration afterward. - Luigi drank a couple of glasses of whisky—which steadied his nerves - and clarified his mind, but made Angelo drunk. Everybody who saw the - march, saw that the Champion of the Teetotalers was half seas over, and - noted also that his brother, who made no hypocritical pretensions to extra - temperance virtues, was dignified and sober. This eloquent fact could not - be unfruitful at the end of a hot political canvass. At the mass-meeting - Angelo tried to make his great temperance oration, but was so discommoded—by - hiccoughs and thickness of tongue that he had to give it up; then - drowsiness overtook him and his head drooped against Luigi's and he went - to sleep. Luigi apologized for him, and was going on to improve his - opportunity with an appeal for a moderation of what he called “the - prevailing teetotal madness,” but persons in the audience began to howl - and throw things at him, and then the meeting rose in wrath and chased him - home. - </p> - <p> - This episode was a crusher for Angelo in another way. It destroyed his - chances with Rowena. Those chances had been growing, right along, for two - months. Rowena had partly confessed that she loved him, but wanted time to - consider. Now the tender dream was ended, and she told him so the moment - he was sober enough to understand. She said she would never marry a man - who drank. - </p> - <p> - “But I don't drink,” he pleaded. - </p> - <p> - “That is nothing to the point,” she said, coldly, “you get drunk, and that - is worse.” - </p> - <p> - [There was a long and sufficiently idiotic discussion here, which ended as - reported in a previous note.] - </p> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> - <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER X. SO THEY HANGED LUIGI - </h2> - <p> - Dawson's Landing had a week of repose, after the election, and it needed - it, for the frantic and variegated nightmare which had tormented it all - through the preceding week had left it limp, haggard, and exhausted at the - end. It got the week of repose because Angelo had the legs, and was in too - subdued a condition to want to go out and mingle with an irritated - community that had come to distrust and detest him because there was such - a lack of harmony between his morals, which were confessedly excellent, - and his methods of illustrating them, which were distinctly damnable. The - new city officers were sworn in on the following Monday—at least all - but Luigi. There was a complication in his case. His election was - conceded, but he could not sit in the board of aldermen without his - brother, and his brother could not sit there because he was not a member. - There seemed to be no way out of the difficulty but to carry the matter - into the courts, so this was resolved upon. - </p> - <p> - The case was set for the Monday fortnight. In due course the time arrived. - In the mean time the city government had been at a standstill, because - without Luigi there was a tie in the board of aldermen, whereas with him - the liquor interest—the richest in the political field—would - have one majority. But the court decided that Angelo could not sit in the - board with him, either in public or executive sessions, and at the same - time forbade the board to deny admission to Luigi, a fairly and legally - chosen alderman. The case was carried up and up from court to court, yet - still the same old original decision was confirmed every time. As a - result, the city government not only stood still, with its hands tied, but - everything it was created to protect and care for went a steady gait - toward rack and ruin. There was no way to levy a tax, so the minor - officials had to resign or starve; therefore they resigned. There being no - city money, the enormous legal expenses on both sides had to be defrayed - by private subscription. But at last the people came to their senses, and - said: - </p> - <p> - “Pudd'nhead was right at the start—we ought to have hired the - official half of that human phillipene to resign; but it's too late now; - some of us haven't got anything left to hire him with.” - </p> - <p> - “Yes, we have,” said another citizen, “we've got this”—and he - produced a halter. - </p> - <p> - Many shouted: “That's the ticket.” But others said: “No—Count Angelo - is innocent; we mustn't hang him.” - </p> - <p> - “Who said anything about hanging him? We are only going to hang the other - one.” - </p> - <p> - “Then that is all right—there is no objection to that.” - </p> - <p> - So they hanged Luigi. And so ends the history of “Those Extraordinary - Twins.” - </p> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> - <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - FINAL REMARKS - </h2> - <p> - As you see, it was an extravagant sort of a tale, and had no purpose but - to exhibit that monstrous “freak” in all sorts of grotesque lights. But - when Roxy wandered into the tale she had to be furnished with something to - do; so she changed the children in the cradle; this necessitated the - invention of a reason for it; this, in turn, resulted in making the - children prominent personages—nothing could prevent it of course. - Their career began to take a tragic aspect, and some one had to be brought - in to help work the machinery; so Pudd'nhead Wilson was introduced and - taken on trial. By this time the whole show was being run by the new - people and in their interest, and the original show was become - side-tracked and forgotten; the twin-monster, and the heroine, and the - lads, and the old ladies had dwindled to inconsequentialities and were - merely in the way. Their story was one story, the new people's story was - another story, and there was no connection between them, no - interdependence, no kinship. It is not practicable or rational to try to - tell two stories at the same time; so I dug out the farce and left the - tragedy. - </p> - <p> - The reader already knew how the expert works; he knows now how the other - kind do it. - </p> - <p> - MARK TWAIN. <br /> <br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <br /> <br /> - </p> -<pre xml:space="preserve"> - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Those Extraordinary Twins -by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THOSE EXTRAORDINARY TWINS *** - -***** This file should be named 3185-h.htm or 3185-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - https://www.gutenberg.org/3/1/8/3185/ - -Produced by David Widger - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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