diff options
Diffstat (limited to '31374.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 31374.txt | 3361 |
1 files changed, 3361 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/31374.txt b/31374.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8418622 --- /dev/null +++ b/31374.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3361 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Dramatist; or Stop Him Who Can!, by +Frederick Reynolds + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: The Dramatist; or Stop Him Who Can! + A Comedy, in Five Acts + + +Author: Frederick Reynolds + + + +Release Date: February 23, 2010 [eBook #31374] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DRAMATIST; OR STOP HIM WHO +CAN!*** + + +E-text prepared by Steven desJardins and the Project Gutenberg Online +Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustration. + See 31374-h.htm or 31374-h.zip: + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/31374/31374-h/31374-h.htm) + or + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/31374/31374-h.zip) + + + + + +THE DRAMATIST; +OR, +STOP HIM WHO CAN! + +A Comedy, in Five Acts; + +by + +FREDERICK REYNOLDS. + +As Performed at the +Theatre Royal, Covent Garden. + +Printed Under the Authority of the Managers +from the Prompt Book. + +With Remarks by Mrs Inchbald. + + + + + + + +[Illustration: DRAMATIST + +VAPID--PROLOGUE OR EPILOGUE! I'M YOUR MAN:--I'LL WRITE YOU BOTH. + +ACT II. SCENE II + +PAINTED BY SINGLETON. PUBLISHD BY LONGMAN & CO. ENGRAVD BY ENGLEHEART.] + + + +London: +Printed for Longman, Hurst, Rees, Orme, and Brown, +Paternoster Row. + +Edinburgh: +Printed by James Ballantyne and Co. + + + + +REMARKS. + + +Plays of former times were written to be read, not seen. Dramatic +authors succeeded in their aim; their works were placed in libraries, +and the theatres were deserted.--Now, plays are written to be seen, not +read--and present authors gain their views; for they and the managers +are enriched, and the theatres crowded. + +To be both seen and read at the present day, is a degree of honour, +which, perhaps, not one comic dramatist can wholly boast, except +Shakspeare. Exclusive of his, scarcely any of the very best comedies of +the best of former bards will now attract an audience: yet the genius of +ancient writers was assisted by various tales, for plots, of which they +have deprived the moderns; they had, besides, the privilege to write +without either political or moral restraint. Uncurbed by law or +delicacy, they wrote at random; and at random wrote some pages worthy +posterity--but along with these, they produced others, which disgrace +the age that reprints and circulates them. + +It might be deemed suspicious to insinuate, that those persons, perhaps, +who so vehemently exclaim against modern dramas, give up with reluctance +the old prerogative of listening to wit and repartee, which would make +the refined hearer of the present day blush, and the moral auditor +shudder. + +To those who can wisely bear with the faults of their own time, nor +think all that is good is gone by, the representation of the present +comedy will give high entertainment; particularly in those scenes in +which Vapid is concerned.--Reynolds could hardly mistake drawing a +faithful portrait of this character, for it is said--he sat for himself. + +Yet those, who expect to be highly delighted with "The Dramatist," must +bring with them to the theatre a proper acquaintance with the stage, and +also of its power over certain of its votaries. + +If attraction, if bursts of applause, and still less equivocal +approbation, bursts of laughter, constitute perfect success to a comic +writer, Mr Reynolds, in this, as well as in other of his comedies, has +been preeminently successful. + +In this comedy, however, and, perhaps, in one or two more he has +written, there is an obstacle to his independent merit as an author--an +obstacle which too many dramatic writers willingly place in their path +to lasting reputation. He has written for one particular actor to +support his play--Lewis--more worthy to be thus considered than almost +any other performer: but here his very skill gives the alarm--for Lewis +possesses such unaffected spirit on the stage, a kind of vivid fire, +which tempers burlesque with nature, or nature with burlesque, so +happily, that it cannot be hoped any other man will easily support those +characters written purposely for him. + +Be that as it may--when Reynolds can no more enliven a theatre by his +Dramatist, this comedy will grow dull in excellent company--for +Congreve's "Way of the World" was hissed, it is said, from a London +stage, the last time it was acted, for insipidity. + + + + +DRAMATIS PERSONAE. + +LORD SCRATCH _Mr Quick._ +HARRY NEVILLE _Mr Holman._ +FLORIVILLE _Mr Blanchard._ +WILLOUGHBY _Mr Macready._ +ENNUI _Mr Munden._ +PETER _Mr Thompson._ +VAPID _Mr Lewis._ +SERVANT _Mr Evatt._ + +LOUISA COURTNEY _Miss Brunton._ +LADY WAITFOR'T _Mrs Webb._ +LETTY _Miss Brangin._ +MARIANNE _Mrs Wells._ + +_SCENE,--Bath._ + + + + +THE DRAMATIST. + + +ACT THE FIRST. + + +SCENE I. + + + _The Grove.--LADY WAITFOR'T'S House._ + + _Enter MARIANNE, and LETTY, from the House._ + +_Mari._ But I tell you I will come out--I didn't come to Bath to be +confined, nor I won't--I hate all their company, but sweet Miss +Courtney's. + +_Letty._ I declare, Miss Marianne, you grow worse and worse every day, +your country manners will be the ruin of you. + +_Mari._ Don't you talk about that, Letty--It was a shame to bring me up +in the country--if I had been properly taken care of, I might have done +great things--I might have married the poet I danced with at the +ball--But it's all over now.--I shall never get a husband, and, what's +worse, my aunt did it on purpose.--She ruined me, Letty, that nobody +else might. + +_Letty._ How you talk!--I hope Miss Courtney hasn't taught you all this? + +_Mari._ No,--she's a dear creature,--she has taught me many things; but +nothing improper, I'm sure. + +_Letty._ Pray, has she taught you why she never plays any tune but the +one we heard just now? + +_Mari._ Yes--and if you'll keep it a secret, I'll tell you, Letty; Mr +Harry Neville taught it her last summer,--and now she is always playing +it, because it puts her in mind of the dear man;--when it is ended, +don't you observe how she sighs from the bottom of her dear little +heart? + +_Letty._ Why, I thought they had quarrelled? + +_Mari._ So they have--she won't see him, and I believe my aunt, Lady +Waitfor't, has been the occasion of it;--poor Mr Neville!--I wish I +could assist him, for indeed, Letty, I always pity any body that is +crossed in love--it may be one's own case one day or other, you know. + +_Letty._ True--and for the same reason, I suppose, you rejoice when it +is successful.--I'm sure now the intended marriage of Lady Waitfor't and +Lord Scratch gives you great pleasure. + +_Mari._ What! the country gentleman who has lately come to his title? +No, if you'll believe me, I don't like him at all,--he's a sour old +fellow--is always abusing our sex, and thinks there is only one good +woman under heaven:--now, I'm sure that's a mistake, for I know I'm a +good woman, and I think, Letty, you are another. + +_Letty._ Yes,--I hope so, though I confess I think your aunt is better +than either of us. + +_Mari._ More shame for you--she is a woman of sentiment, and hums you +over with her flourishes about purity, and feelings.--Feelings!--'faith, +she ought to be ashamed of herself--no other woman would talk in that +manner. + +_Letty._ You mistake her--she is a woman of virtue, and can't help +feeling for the vices and misfortunes of others. + +_Mari._ Then why can't she do as I have done, Letty? keep her feelings +to herself--If I had given way to them half so much as she has--Oh Lord! +I don't know what might have been the consequence. + +_Letty._ For shame! You never hear Lady Waitfor't speak ill of any body. + +_Mari._ No,--How should she, when she talks of nobody but herself? + +_Letty._ Well, your opinion is of little weight; my Lord sees her merit, +and is come to Bath on purpose to marry her--he thinks her a prodigy of +goodness. + +_Mari._ Then, pray let him have her--every fool knows so, to be sure he +does, Letty, that a prodigy of goodness is a very rare thing;--but when +he finds her out!--'faith, it will be a rare joke, when he finds her +out. + +_Letty._ Shameful, Miss Marianne! do speak a little intelligibly, and +remember your aunt's favourite observation. + +_Mari._ What is it?--I have forgot. + +_Letty._ That good sentiments are always plain. + +_Mari._ Yes,--so are good women,--bid her remember that, Letty. + +_Letty._ Hush:--say no more--here she comes, and Mr Willoughby with her. + +_Mari._ Ay--that man is always with her of late--but come, Letty, let's +get out of their way--let's take a walk, and look at the beaux. + +_Letty._ The beaux! ah, I see you long to become a woman of fashion. + +_Mari._ No--though I hate the country, I never will become a woman of +fashion--I know too well what it is to do many things one don't like, +and 'faith, while there is such real pleasure in following my own +inclinations, I see no reason why, merely out of fashion, I should be +obliged to copy other people's. [_Exit, with LETTY._ + + _Enter LADY WAITFOR'T and WILLOUGHBY._ + +_Lady._ [_To SERVANT._] When my lord returns, tell him I'm gone to Lady +Walton's, and shall be back immediately. + +_Will._ Then your ladyship is certain Harry Neville is arrived. + +_Lady._ Yes--the ungrateful man arrived last night, and, as I yet mean +to consult his happiness, I have written to him to come to me this +evening--but I will ever oppose his union with my lord's ward, Louisa +Courtney, because I think it will be the ruin of them both; and you +know, Willoughby, one cannot forget one's feelings on those occasions. + +_Will._ Certainly--Ennui, the time-killer, whose only business in life +is to murder the hour, is also just arrived; and my lord is resolved on +his marrying Louisa instantly. + +_Lady._ True--and only because he'll make a quiet member for his brother +in the west. But, for various reasons, I am determined she shall be +yours--yet it must be done artfully--my circumstances are deranged, and +an alliance with my lord Scratch is the only hope of relief.--Such are +the fruits of virtue, Willoughby. + +_Will._ Well--but her fortune is entirely dependent on my Lord's +consent, and how is that to be obtained? You know I am no favourite, and +Ennui is a great one. + +_Lady._ I know it, and therefore we must incense him against Ennui--let +me see----can't we contrive some mode,--some little ingenious story--he +is a singular character, you know, and has violent prejudices. + +_Will._ True--and of all his prejudices, none is so violent, or +entertaining, as that against authors and actors. + +_Lady._ Yes,--the stage is his aversion, and some way or other----I have +it--it's an odd thought, but may do much--suppose we tell him Ennui has +written a play. + +_Will._ The luckiest thought in the world! it will make him hate him +directly. + +_Lady._ Well, leave it to me--I'll explain the matter to him +myself,--and my life on't it proves successful. You see, Willoughby, my +only system is to promote happiness. + +_Will._ It is indeed, Lady Waitfor't--but if this fails, may I still +hope for your interest with Miss Courtney? + +_Lady._ Yes,--I'm determined she shall be yours, and neither Neville's +nor Ennui's.--But come, it's late--here he is. + +_Will._ We'll get rid of him. + + _Enter ENNUI._ + +_Lady._ Mr Ennui, your most obedient--we are going to the Parade--have +you seen your cousin Neville? + +_Ennui._ I've an idea--I've just left him. + +_Lady._ I suppose we shall see you at Lady Walton's this evening?--till +then, adieu. [_Exeunt LADY WAITFOR'T and WILLOUGHBY._ + +_Ennui._ I've an idea, I don't like this Lady Waitfor't--she wishes to +trick me out of my match with Miss Courtney, and if I could trick her in +return--[_Takes out his Watch._] How goes the enemy?--only one +o'clock!--I thought it had been that an hour ago!--heigho!--here's my +patron, Lord Scratch. + + _Enter LORD SCRATCH._ + +_Lord._ What a wonderful virtue is the art of hearing!--may I die, if a +listener be found any where:--Zounds! am not I a peer, and don't I talk +by prerogative?--and, if I mayn't talk ten times as much as another +person, what's the use of my peerage? + +_Ennui._ I've an idea--I don't comprehend you. + +_Lord._ That fellow Neville wouldn't hear a word I had to +say:--abandoned young dog!--he's come to Bath to invent tales against +that divinity, Lady Waitfor't, again, I suppose--but my ward, Louisa, +shall be put out of his power for ever--she shall marry you to-morrow. + +_Ennui._ In fact--I always forgot to give your lordship joy of your +title, though not of your dress. + +_Lord._ Not of my dress!--ay, ay;--that's the difference--you poor +devils, in humble life, are obliged to dress well, to look like +gentlemen--we peers may dress as we please--[_Looking at his watch._] +but I shall lose my appointments--past two o'clock. + +_Ennui._ Past two o'clock!--delightful! + +_Lord._ Delightful!--what, at your old tricks? + +_Ennui._ I'd an idea--it had been only one. + +_Lord._ And you're delighted because it's an hour later? + +_Ennui._ To be sure I am--my dear friend, to be sure I am--the enemy has +lost a limb. + +_Lord._ So you're happy, because you're an hour nearer the other +world?--tell me now,--do you wish to die? + +_Ennui._ No.--But I wish somebody would invent a new mode of killing +time--in fact, I think I've found one--private acting. + +_Lord._ Acting!--never talk to me about the stage--I detest a theatre, +and every thing that belongs to it: and if ever--but no matter--I must +to Lady Waitfor't, and prevail on her to marry me at the same time you +marry my ward.--But, remember our agreement--you are to settle your +estate on Louisa, and I am to bring you into parliament. + +_Ennui._ In fact, I comprehend--I am to be a hearer and not a speaker. + +_Lord._ Speaker!--if you open your mouth, the Chiltern Hundreds is your +portion.--Look ye--you are to be led quietly to the right side--to sleep +during the debate--give a nod for your vote,--and in every respect, move +like a mandarin, at my command;--in short, you are to be a mandarin +member.--So, fare you well till we're both married. [_Exit._ + +_Ennui._ I've an idea, here's Neville.--In fact--he knows nothing of my +marrying Louisa, nor shall he, till after the happy day.--Strange news, +Neville. + + _Enter NEVILLE._ + +_Nev._ I've heard it all. Louisa is going to be married; but to whom I +know not,--and my Lord persists in his fatal attachment to Lady +Waitfor't. + +_Ennui._ In fact--Why fatal? + +_Nev._ Because it is the source of every mischief.--While she maintains +her power over him, I have no hope of love or fortune:--When my father +died, he left his estate to my brother, relying on my lord providing for +me--and now, how he deserts me!--and all owing to the artifices of an +insidious woman. + +_Ennui._ I've an idea, I comprehend her motive--she loves you. + +_Nev._ Yes, 'tis too plain--and, because I would not listen to her +advances, she has ruined me in my uncle's opinion, and degraded me in +Louisa's;--but I will see Miss Courtney herself--I will hear my doom +from her own mouth; and if she avoids me, I will leave her, and this +country, for ever. + + _Enter PETER._ + +_Peter._ A letter, sir. + +_Nev._ Without direction!--What can it mean? + +_Peter._ Sir, 'tis from Lady Waitfor't.--The servant, who brought it, +said, her ladyship had reasons for not directing it, which she would +explain to you when she saw you. [_Exit._ + +_Nev._ Oh, the old stratagem:--as it is not directed, she may swear it +was designed for another person. [_Reads._ + + _Sir_, + + _I have heard of your arrival at Bath, and, strange as + my conduct may appear, I think it a duty I owe to the + virtuous part of mankind, to promote their happiness as + much as I can; I have long beheld your merit, and long + wished to encourage it.--I shall be at home at six this + evening. Yours,_ + + A. WAITFOR'T. + +_Ennui._ In fact--a very sentimental assignation, that would do as well +for any other man. + +_Nev._ If I show it to my lord, I know his bigotry is such, that he +would, as usual, only suppose it a trick of my own--the more cause there +is to condemn, the more he approves. + +_Ennui._ I've an idea, he's incomprehensible.--In fact--who have we +here? + +_Nev._ As I live, Vapid, the dramatic author--he is come to Bath to pick +up characters, I suppose. + +_Ennui._ In fact--pick up! + +_Nev._ Yes--he has the ardor scribendi upon him so strong, that he would +rather you'd ask him to write an epilogue to a new play, than offer him +your whole estate--the theatre is his world, in which are included all +his hopes and wishes.--In short, he is a dramatic maniac. And to such an +extent does he carry his folly, that if he were not the best natured +fellow in the world, every body would kick him out of doors. + +_Ennui._ Has he not a share of vanity in his composition? + +_Nev._ Oh yes--he fancies himself a great favourite with the women. + +_Ennui._ Then I've an idea--I've got a thought, by which you may revenge +yourself on Lady Waitfor't--in fact--give him the letter--he'll +certainly believe 'tis meant for himself. + +_Nev._ My dear friend, ten thousand thanks!--We'll flatter his vanity, +by persuading him she is young and beautiful, and my life on't it does +wonders;--but, hush, he comes. + + _Enter VAPID._ + +_Nev._ Vapid! I rejoice to see you,--'tis a long time since we met; give +me leave to introduce you to a particular friend of mine--Mr Ennui--Mr +Vapid. + +_Ennui._ I've an idea--you do me honour--Mr Vapid, I shall be proud to +be better acquainted with you--in fact--any thing of consequence +stirring in the fashionable or political world? + +_Vapid._ Some whispers about a new pantomime, sir,--nothing else. + +_Nev._ And I'm afraid, in the present scarcity of good writers, we have +little else to expect.--Pray, Vapid, how is the present dearth of genius +to be accounted for; particularly dramatic genius? + +_Vapid._ Why, as to dramatic genius, sir, the fact is this--to give a +true picture of life, a man should enter into all its scenes,--should +follow nature, sir--but modern authors plunder from one another--the +mere shades of shadows.--Now, sir, for my part, I dive into the world--I +search the heart of man;--'tis true I'm called a rake--but, upon my +soul, I only game, drink, and intrigue, that I may be better able to +dramatize each particular scene. + +_Nev._ A good excuse for profligacy.--But tell me, Vapid, have you got +any new characters since you came to Bath? + +_Vapid._ 'Faith, only two--and those not very new either. + +_Ennui._ In fact--may we ask what they are? + +_Vapid._ If you don't write. + +_Nev._ No, we certainly do not. + +_Vapid._ Then I'll tell you:--The first is a charitable divine, who, in +the weighty consideration how he shall best lavish his generosity, never +bestows it at all:--and the other is a cautious apothecary, who, in +determining which of two medicines is best for his patient, lets him die +for want of assistance.--You understand me, I think, this last will do +something, eh? + +_Ennui._ I've an idea--the apothecary would cut a good figure in a +comedy. + +_Vapid._ A comedy! pshaw! I mean him for a tragedy. + +_Ennui._ In fact--I don't comprehend, nor, possibly, the town. + +_Vapid._ I know it--that's the very thing--hark ye, I've found out a +secret--what every body understands, nobody approves; and people always +applaud most where they least comprehend.--There is a refinement, sir, +in appearing to understand things incomprehensible--else whence arises +the pleasure at an opera, a private play, or a speech in parliament? +why, 'tis the mystery in all these things--'tis the desire to find out +what nobody else can--to be thought wiser than others--therefore--you +take me--the apothecary is the hero of my tragedy. + +_Nev._ 'Faith, there is some reason in all this--and I'm amazed we have +so many writers for the stage. + +_Vapid._ So am I--and I think I'll write no more for an ungrateful +public--you don't know any body that has a play coming out, do you? + +_Nev._ No--why do you ask? + +_Vapid._ He'll want an epilogue you know, that's all. + +_Nev._ Why, you won't write him one, will you? + +_Vapid._ I! oh Lord! no;--but genius ought to be encouraged, and as he's +a friend of yours,--what's the name of the play? + +_Nev._ I really don't know any body that has written one. + +_Vapid._ Yes----yes----you do. + +_Nev._ Upon my word, I do not--a cousin of mine, indeed, wrote one for +his amusement, but I don't think he could ever be prevailed on to +produce it on the stage. + +_Vapid._ He prevailed on!--the manager you mean--but what did you think +of it? + +_Nev._ I never read it, but am told it is a good play--and if performed, +Vapid, he will be proud of your assistance. + +_Vapid._ I speak in time, because it is material--many a dull play has +been saved by a good epilogue. + +_Nev._ True--but I had almost forgot.--Why, Vapid, the lady in the Grove +will enlarge your knowledge amazingly. + +_Ennui._ I've an idea--she's the pattern of perfection. + +_Nev._ The paragon of beauty! Ah, Vapid! I would give worlds for the +coldest expression in this letter. + +_Vapid._ That letter!--what do you mean by that letter? + +_Nev._ And you really pretend not to know the young Lady Waitfor't? + +_Vapid._ No,--I hav'n't spoke to a woman at Bath,--but a sweet girl I +danced with at the ball; and who she is, by the Lord, I don't know. + +_Nev._ Well, but, Vapid--young Lady Waitfor't--she loves you to +distraction. + +_Vapid._ As I hope for fame, I never heard her name before. + +_Nev._ Then she has heard yours, and admires your genius; however, read +the letter, and be satisfied she loves you. [_VAPID reads._ + + _Arrived at Bath--duty I owe--virtuous part of + mankind--beheld your merit--wish to encourage--six this + evening.--A. Waitfor't--Grove._ + +_Vapid._ Yes, yes, it's plain enough now--she admires my talents!--It +isn't the first time, Neville, this has happened.--Sweet fond +fool!--I'll go and prepare myself directly. + +_Nev._ Ay do, Vapid,--she'll be all on fire to see you. + +_Vapid._ All on fire! I suppose so.--Write a play, Neville, write a +play--you see the effect of the muses and graces when they unite--you +see, Neville, you see----but, hold, hold--how the devil came you by this +letter? + +_Nev._ That's true enough. [_Aside._] I'll tell you--I was at her party +last night, and on coming out of the room she slipt it into my hand, and +desired me to direct it, and give it to you--She has often spoke to me +in your favour, and I did you all the good I could--however, to be sure +it's no mistake, ask the servant, who admits you, if the name at the +bottom is not her own hand-writing. + +_Vapid._ Oh, no!--it's no mistake,--there's no doubt of the +matter.--Write a play, Neville, write a play--and charm the ladies, you +dog!--adieu! [_Exit._ + +_Ennui._ I've an idea--if we've common fortune, this will do every +thing. + +_Nev._ No,--Lady Waitfor't's arts are numberless--she is so perfect a +hypocrite, that I even doubt her confessing her real sentiments to her +minion Willoughby; and when she does a bad action, she ever pretends +'tis from a good motive. + + _Enter VAPID._ + +_Vapid._ Gad, I forgot--you'll recollect the epilogue, Neville. + +_Nev._ Yes,--I'll write to my cousin to-day. + +_Vapid._ But, not a word of the love affair to him--any where else +indeed it might do one a service--but never tell an intrigue to a +dramatic author. + +_Ennui._ In fact--why not sir? + +_Vapid._ Because it may furnish a scene for a comedy--I do it +myself.--Indeed, I think the best part of an intrigue is the hopes of +incident, or stage effect--however, I can't stay. + +_Nev._ Nay, we'll walk with you--I, in pursuit of my brother--you, of +your mistress. + +_Vapid._ Ay, Neville, there it is--now, do take my advice, and write a +play--if any incident happens, remember, it is better to have written a +damned play, than no play at all--it snatches a man from obscurity--and +being particular, as this world goes, is a very great thing. + +_Nev._ But I confess I have no desire to get into print. + +_Vapid._ Get into print!--pshaw! every body gets into print now.--Kings +and quacks--peers and poets--bishops and boxers--tailors and trading +justices--can't go lower, you know--all get into print!--But we soar a +little higher,--we have privileges peculiar to ourselves.--Now, sir, +I--I, for my part, can talk as I please,--say what I will, it is sure to +excite mirth,--for, supposing you don't laugh at my wit, I laugh myself, +Neville, and that makes every body else do the same--so allons! + +_Ennui._ I've an idea--no bad mode of routing the enemy. [_Exeunt._ + + + + +ACT THE SECOND. + + +SCENE I. + + + _An Apartment in LADY WAITFOR'T'S House.--Two Chairs._ + + _Enter VAPID and a SERVANT._ + +_Serv._ Sir, my lady will wait on you immediately. + +_Vapid._ Hark ye, sir--Is this young lady of yours very handsome? + +_Serv._ Sir? + +_Vapid._ Is your young mistress, sir, very handsome? + +_Serv._ Yes, sir.--My young mistress is thought a perfect beauty. + +_Vapid._ Charming!--What age do you reckon her? + +_Serv._ About twenty, sir. + +_Vapid._ The right interesting age! and fond of the drama, I suppose? + +_Serv._ Sir? + +_Vapid._ Very fond of plays, I presume? + +_Serv._ Yes, sir, very fond of plays, or any thing relating to them. + +_Vapid._ Delightful!--now am I the happiest dog alive:--yes, yes, Vapid! +let the town damn your plays, the women will never desert you. [_Seats +himself._] You needn't stay, sir. [_Exit SERVANT._] That's a good sign, +that fellow isn't used to this kind of business--so much the +better--practice is the destruction of love----yes, I shall indulge a +beautiful woman,--gratify myself, and, perhaps, get the last scene for +my unfinished comedy. + + _Enter LADY WAITFOR'T._ + +_Lady._ Sir, your most obedient. + +_Vapid._ Ma'am. [_Bowing._ + +_Lady._ Pray keep your seat, sir--I beg I mayn't disturb you. + +_Vapid._ By no means, ma'am, give me leave--[_Both sit._] Who the devil +have we here? [_Aside._ + +_Lady._ I am told, sir, you have business for Lady Waitfor't? + +_Vapid._ Yes, ma'am--being my first appearance in that character, but I +could wait whole hours for so beautiful a woman. + +_Lady._ Oh, sir! + +_Vapid._ Yes--I am no stranger to her charms----sweet young creature! + +_Lady._ Nay, dear sir, not so _very_ young. + +_Vapid._ Your pardon, ma'am,--and her youth enhances her other +merits.--But, oh! she has one charm that surpasses all. + +_Lady._ Has she, sir?--What may that be? + +_Vapid._ Her passion for the stage. + +_Lady._ Sir! + +_Vapid._ Yes, her passion for the stage; that, in my mind, makes her the +first of her sex. + +_Lady._ Sir, she has no passion for the stage. + +_Vapid._ Yes, yes, she has. + +_Lady._ But I protest she has not. + +_Vapid._ But I declare and affirm it as a fact, she has a strong passion +for the stage, and a violent attachment for all the people that belong +to it. + +_Lady._ Sir, I don't understand you--explain. + +_Vapid._ Hark ye,--we are alone--I promise it shall go no further, and +I'll let you into a secret--I know---- + +_Lady._ Well, what do you know? + +_Vapid._ I know a certain dramatic author with whom she----he had a +letter from her this morning. + +_Lady._ What? + +_Vapid._ Yes,--an assignation--don't be alarmed--the man may be depended +on--he is safe--very safe!--Long in the habit of intrigue--a good person +too!--a very good person indeed. + +_Lady._ Amazement! + +_Vapid._ [_Whispering her._] Hark ye, he means to make her happy in less +than half an hour. + +_Lady._ [_Rising._] Sir, do you know who you're talking to?--do you know +who I am? + +_Vapid._ No,--How the devil should I? + +_Lady._ Then know I am Lady Waitfor't! + +_Vapid._ You Lady Waitfor't! + +_Lady._ Yes, sir--the only Lady Waitfor't! + +_Vapid._ Mercy on me!--here's incident! + +_Lady._ Yes, and I am convinced you were sent here by that traitor, +Neville.--Speak, is he not your friend? + +_Vapid._ Yes, ma'am:--I know Mr Neville.--Here's equivoque! + +_Lady._ This is some trick, some stratagem of his.--He gave you the +letter to perplex and embarrass me. + +_Vapid._ Gave the letter! 'gad that's great.--Pray, ma'am, give me leave +to ask you one question--Did you write to Mr Neville? + +_Lady._ Yes, sir,--to confess the truth, I did--but from motives---- + +_Vapid._ Stop, my dear ma'am, stop--I have it--now,--let me be +clear--first, you send him a letter; is it not so? yes: then he gives it +to me--very well: then I come (supposing you only twenty) mighty +well!--then you turn out ninety--charming!---then comes the +embarrassment: then the eclaircissement! Oh! it's glorious!--Give me +your hand--you have atoned for every thing. + +_Lady._ O! I owe all this to that villain, Neville--I am not +revengeful--but 'tis a weakness to endure such repeated provocations, +and I am convinced the mind, that too frequently forgives bad actions, +will at last forget good ones. + +_Vapid._ Bravo! encore, encore--it is the very best sentiment I ever +heard--say it again, pray say it again--I'll take it down, and blend it +with the incident, and you shall be gratified, one day or other, with +seeing the whole on the stage.--"The mind that too frequently forgives +bad actions will at last forget good ones." + [_Taking it down in his common place book._ + +_Lady._ This madman's folly is not to be borne--if my Lord too should +discover him. [_VAPID sits, and takes notes._] Here, the consequences +might be dreadful, and the scheme of Ennui's play all undone.--Sir, I +desire you'll quit my house immediately--Oh! I'll be revenged, I'm +determined. [_Exit._ + +_Vapid._ What a great exit!----Very well!--I've got an incident, +however.--'Faith, I have noble talents--to extract gold from lead has +been the toil of numberless philosophers; but I extract it from a baser +metal, human frailty--Oh! it's a great thing to be a dramatic genius!--a +very great thing indeed. [_As he is going,_ + + _Enter LORD SCRATCH._ + +_Vapid._ Sir, your most devoted,----How d'ye do? + +_Lord._ Sir, your most obedient. + +_Vapid._ Very warm tragedy weather, sir!--but, for my part, I hate +summer, and I'll tell you why,--the theatres are shut, and when I pass +by their doors in an evening, it makes me melancholy--I look upon them +as the tombs of departed friends that were wont to instruct and delight +me--I don't know how you feel--perhaps you are not in my way? + +_Lord._ Sir! + +_Vapid._ Perhaps you don't write for the stage--if you do,--hark +ye--there is a capital character in this house for a farce. + +_Lord._ Why! what is all this--who are you? + +_Vapid._ Who am I?--here's a question! in these times who can tell who +he is?--for aught I know I may be great uncle to yourself, or first +cousin to Lady Waitfor't--the very woman I was about to--but no +matter--since you're so very inquisitive, do you know who you are? + +_Lord._ Look ye, sir, I am Lord Scratch. + +_Vapid._ A peer! pshaw! contemptible;--when I ask a man who he is, I +don't want to know what are his titles, and such nonsense; no, Old +Scratch, I want to know what he has written, when he had the curtain up, +and whether he's a true son of the drama.--Harkye, don't make yourself +uneasy on my account--In my next pantomime, perhaps, I'll let you know +who I am, Old Scratch. [_Exit._ + +_Lord._ Astonishing! can this be Lady Waitfor't's house--"Very warm +tragedy weather, sir!" "In my next pantomime, let you know who I +am."--Gad, I must go and investigate the matter immediately, and if she +has wronged me, by the blood of the Scratches, I'll bring the whole +business before parliament, make a speech ten hours long, reduce the +price of opium, and set the nation in a lethargy. [_Exit._ + + +SCENE II. + + + _A Library in LADY WAITFOR'T'S House.--A Sofa and two Chairs._ + + _Enter VAPID._ + +_Vapid._ Either this house is a labyrinth, or I, in reflecting on my +incident, have forgot myself; for so it is I can't find my way out--who +have we here? by the sixtieth night, my little partner! + + _Enter MARIANNE, with a Book in her Hand._ + +_Mari._ The poet I danced with!--he little thinks how much I've thought +of him since--Sir. [_Courtesying._ + +_Vapid._ Ma'am. [_Bowing._] + +_Mari._ I hope, sir, you caught no cold the other night? + +_Vapid._ No, ma'am, I was much nearer a fever than a cold.--Pray, ma'am, +what is your study? + +_Mari._ I have been reading "All for Love."--Pray, sir, do you know any +thing about plays? + +_Vapid._ Know any thing about plays!--there's a question! + +_Mari._ I know so much about them, that I once acted at a private +theatre. + +_Vapid._ Did you? Then you acted for your own amusement, and nobody's +else: what was the play? + +_Mari._ I can't tell! + +_Vapid._ Can't tell? + +_Mari._ No,--nobody knew,--it's a way they have. + +_Vapid._ Then they never act a play of mine.--With all this partiality +for the stage--perhaps you would be content with a dramatist for +life--particularly if his morals were fine? + +_Mari._ Lord! I don't care about fine morals--I'd rather my husband had +fine teeth,--and I'm told most women of fashion are of the same opinion. + +_Vapid._ To be sure they are,--but could you really consent to run away +with a poet? + +_Mari._ 'Faith--with all my heart--they never have any money, you know, +and, as I have none, our distress would be complete; and, if we had any +luck, our adventures would become public, and then we should get into a +novel at last. + +_Vapid._ Into a prison, more probably--if she goes on in this way, I +must dramatize her first,--and run away with her afterwards. [_Aside._] +Come, are you ready? + +_Lady W._ [_Without._] Tell my lord, sir, I'll wait in the library. + +_Mari._ Oh lord! my aunt, what's to be done? + +_Vapid._ What's to be done!--why? + +_Mari._ She mustn't find you here--she'll be the death of us, she is so +violent. + +_Vapid._ Well, I'm not afraid--she's no manager. + +_Mari._ If you have any pity for me--here--hide yourself for a moment +behind this sofa, and I'll get her out of the room directly. + +_Vapid._ Behind the sofa! here's an incident! + +_Mari._ Nay--pray--she's here! come--quick!--quick!-- + + [_VAPID gets behind the Sofa, MARIANNE sits on it, takes + out her work bag, and begins singing----_ + +_Mari._ Toll de roll, &c. + + _Enter LADY WAITFOR'T._ + +_Lady._ Marianne, how came you here? I desire you'll leave the room +directly. + +_Mari._ Leave the room, aunt? + +_Lady._ Yes, leave the room immediately--what are you looking at? + +_Mari._ Nothing, aunt, nothing--Lord! lord! what will become of poor, +poor Mr Poet? [_Exit._ + +_Lady._ So--here's my lord--now to mention Ennui's play, and if it does +but prejudice him against him, Willoughby marries Louisa, and Neville is +in my own power. + + _Enter LORD SCRATCH._ + +_Lord._ That curst pantomime ruffian! nobody knows any thing about +him--perhaps my lady has got a sudden touch of the dramatic mania, and +prefers him--here she is--now if she would talk about the stage. + +_Lady._ Pray be seated, my lord--I want to ask you a favour. + +_Lord._ Ask me a favour? Is it possible? [_They sit._ + +_Lady._ Yes, for your friend Ennui--what do you think he has done? + +_Lord._ What? + +_Lady._ Turned author.--He has written a comedy. + +_Lord._ A comedy!--she has it. + +_Lady._ Yes--it's very true, and it has been approved of by men of the +first dramatic fame. + +_Lord._ Dramatic fame! she has it!--dam'me, she has it! + +_Lady._ Nay, if you need farther proof, my lord, it has been approved by +the manager of one of the theatres, and the curtain is to draw up next +winter. + +_Lord._ The curtain draw up!--Look ye, madam, I care no more for the +manager or his theatre---- + +_Lady._ Now, my lord, the favour I have to ask of you is this--promise +me to peruse the play, make alterations, and write the epilogue. + +_Lord._ The epilogue!--fire and forefathers! [_LADY holds him._ + +_Lady._ Ay, or the prologue. + +_Lord._ The prologue! blood and gunpowder! + + [_VAPID comes from behind the sofa, and smacks him on + the back._ + +_Vapid._ Prologue or epilogue!--I'm the man--I'll write you both. + +_Lord._ There he is again! + +_Lady._ Oh! I shall faint with vexation!--My lord, I desire you'll +misinterpret nothing--every thing shall be explained to you.--Marianne! + +_Lord._ Here's the curtain up with a vengeance! + + _Enter MARIANNE._ + +_Lady._ Answer me directly, how came that gentleman in this apartment? I +know it is some trick of yours. + +_Vapid._ [_Coming down the stage._] To be sure, never any thing was so +fortunate!--upon my soul, I beg your pardon; but, curse me, if I can +help laughing, to think how lucky it was for you both I happened to be +behind the sofa!--ha! ha! ha! + +_Mari._ [_As if taking the hint._] 'Faith, no more can I--to be sure it +was the luckiest thing in the world! ha! ha! ha! + + [_Here they both laugh loud, and point to my LORD, and + LADY WAITFOR'T, who stand, between them in amazement._ + +_Lady._ Sir, I insist you lay aside this levity, and instantly explain +how you came in this room. + +_Lord._ Ay, sir,--explain. + +_Vapid._ Never fear, old lady--I'll bring you off, depend on't. + +_Lady._ Bring me off, sir! speak out, sir, how came you in this +apartment? + +_Vapid._ With all my heart--by her ladyship's own appointment. + +_Lady._ My own appointment!----I shall run wild. + +_Vapid._ To be sure you have hardly forgot your own hand writing. + +_Lord._ Her own hand writing!--get on, sir,--I beseech you, get on. + +_Vapid._ Why, look ye, old Scratch,--you seem to be an admirer of this +lady's.--Now I think it my duty as a moral dramatist--a moral dramatist, +sir, mark that--to expose hypocrisy--therefore, sir, there is the +letter, read it, and be convinced of your error. + +_Lord._ Very well; have you done, sir--have you done?--consider I'm a +peer of the realm, and I shall die if I don't talk. + +_Vapid._ And now, sir, I must beg a favour of you--[_Gets close to +him._]--keep the whole affair secret, for if it gets hacknied, it loses +its force.--To bring it all on the stage: hush! say nothing--it will +have a capital effect, and brother bards will wonder where I stole +it--your situation will be wonderful--you hav'n't an idea how ridiculous +you will look--you will laugh very much at yourself, I assure you. + +_Lord._ What is all this! Well, now I will speak--I'll wait no longer. + +_Vapid._ Yes, yes, I shall take care of you,--Falstaff in the buck +basket will be nothing to it--he was only the dupe of another man's +wife,--you'll be the dupe of your own, you know--"think of that, Master +Brook, think of that." Well, your servant. [_Exit._ + +_Lord._ He's gone without hearing me!--then there's an end of every +thing, for here I stand, once a barrister,--since a country gentleman, +and now a peer; and, though I have made twenty attempts to speak, I +can't be heard a syllable,--mercy! what will this world come to! A peer, +and not be heard! + +_Lady._ My lord,--assured of my innocence, I have no doubt of justifying +my own conduct, and even by means of that letter increasing your +affection.--It was written to another person--your ungrateful nephew. + +_Lord._ My nephew? + +_Lady._ Yes, sir, I could not perceive him losing the esteem of his +friends, without having the desire to reclaim him--indeed, I knew no +better mode of fulfilling my project, than by personally warning him of +his situation.--For this purpose, I wrote that letter, and I never +thought it would have been thus misused.--If there is any improper +warmth in the expressions, it only proceeds from my anxiety of ensuring +an interview.--I hope, sir, you are satisfied. + +_Lord._ Why, I believe you, my lady; and I should be perfectly satisfied +if I could forget your passion for the stage, and that madman behind the +sofa. + +_Lady._ As to that, sir, this young lady can best inform you.--I desired +him to leave the house an hour ago. + +_Mari._ [_Aside._] I'm afraid my only way is to confess all.--My lord, +if I confess the truth, I hope you'll prevail on my aunt to forgive me. + +_Lord._ Tell what you know, and I'll answer for your forgiveness. + +_Mari._ Why, sir, I found the gentleman alone, and not having had a +_tete-a-tete_ a long time, I pressed him to stay, and, on hearing your +voice, I put him behind the sofa,--that you might not think any thing +had happened,--and, indeed, sir, nothing did happen--upon my word he's +as quiet, inoffensive a gentleman as yourself. + +_Lord._ My fears are over! Oh! you finished composition! come to my +arms, and when I suspect you again--[_Coughs much._]--this curst cough, +it takes one so suddenly! + + _Enter ENNUI._ + +_Ennui._ I've an idea--Floriville is arrived--in fact--I just now spoke +to him. + +_Lord._ Floriville arrived!--Come, my lady--let's go see what his +travels have done for him.--Hark ye, Ennui--prepare for your interview +with Louisa, and remember you make a mandarin member.--Come, my +lady--nay, never irritate your feelings. [_Exeunt LORD and LADY._ + +_Mari._ So--poor Mr Neville is to lose Miss Courtney.--Her present +quarrel with him is so violent, that she may marry this idiot merely in +revenge.--If I could dupe him now, and ensure her contempt.--I'll +try.--Mr Ennui, have you seen your intended wife yet? + +_Ennui._ No. + +_Mari._ So I thought--why you'll never please her while you remain as +you are.--You must alter your manners.--She is all life!--all +spirits!--and loves a man the very opposite to you. + +_Ennui._ I've an idea--I'm very sorry--in fact--how can I please her? + +_Mari._ There's the difficulty--let me see--the sort of man she prefers +is--you know Sir Harry Hustle?--a man all activity and confidence!--who +does every thing from fashion, and glories in confessing it. + +_Ennui._ Sir Harry Hustle?--in fact--he's a modern blood of fashion. + +_Mari._ I know--that's the reason she likes him, and you must become the +same, if you wish to win her affection--a new dress--bold looks--a few +oaths, and much swaggering, effects the business. [_ENNUI puts himself +in attitudes._] Ay, that's right, you are the very man already. + +_Ennui._ I'm a lad of fashion!--eh, dam'me!--I've an idea--I shall fall +asleep in the midst of it. + +_Mari._ No, no;--go about it directly--see Sir Harry Hustle, and study +your conversation before hand--but remember Louisa is so fond of +fashion, that you can't boast too much of its vices and absurdities. + +_Ennui._ If virtue was the fashion, I should be virtuous!--I should, +dam'me! + +_Mari._ Ay, that's the very thing--well;--good bye, Mr Ennui--success +attend you--mind you talk enough. + +_Ennui._ Talk!--I'll talk till I fall asleep!--I will! dam'me! + [_Exit, swaggering.--MARIANNE laughing._ + + + + +ACT THE THIRD. + + +SCENE I. + + + _A Saloon in LADY WAITFOR'T'S House._ + + _LOUISA discovered reading._ + +_Louisa._ Heigho! these poets are wonderfully tiresome--always on the +same theme--nothing but love--I'm weary of it. [_Lays down the book, and +rises._] Ungenerous Neville! how could he use me so cruelly? to attempt +to gain my affections, and then address another? Lady Waitfor't has +convinced me of the fact,--I can never forgive him: yet, I fear I love +him still--well, I'll even go examine my heart, and determine whether I +do love him or not. + + _Enter NEVILLE, as she is going out._ + +Mr Neville!--I thought, sir, I had desired we might never meet again. + +_Nev._ 'Tis true, madam, and I meant to obey your commands, hard as they +were, implicitly obey them--but I came hither to welcome my brother, and +not to intrude on the happiness of her I am doomed to avoid. + +_Louisa._ If I remember, sir, truth was ever among the foremost of your +virtues? + +_Nev._ Yes--and I am confident you have no reason to doubt it--though +you have cause to censure my presumption, you have none to suspect my +fidelity. + +_Louisa._ Oh no!--I don't suspect your fidelity in the least, but when +people are faithful to more than one, you know, Mr Neville---- + +_Nev._ I don't understand you, ma'am. + +_Louisa._ It is no matter, Mr Neville--you may spare yourself any +trouble in attempting to justify your conduct--I am perfectly satisfied, +sir, I'll assure you. [_Going._ + +_Nev._ Oh, do not leave me in this anxious state!--perhaps this is the +last time we shall ever meet, and to part thus, would embitter every +future moment of my life. Indeed, I have no hopes that concern not your +happiness--no wishes that relate not to your esteem. + +_Louisa._ Sir,--I will freely confess to you, had you shown the least +perseverance in your affection or sincerity in your behaviour, I could +have heard your addresses with pleasure--but to listen to them now, Mr +Neville, would be to approve a conduct, my honour prompts me to resent, +and my pride to despise. + +_Nev._ Then I am lost indeed!--'Tis to the perfidious Lady Waitfor't I +owe all this--my present + + _Enter LADY WAITFOR'T, behind._ + +misery--my future pain--are all the product of her jealous rage!--She is +so vile a hypocrite, that-- + +_Lady._ [_Coming forward._] Who is a hypocrite, sir? + +_Nev._ Madam! + +_Lady._ Who is a hypocrite, sir? answer me. + +_Nev._ Ask your own heart, that can best inform you. + +_Lady._ Tell me, Mr Neville, what have I done, that you dare insult me +thus? + +_Nev._ What have you done! look on that lady, madam;--there all my hopes +and wishes were combined!--There was the very summit of my bliss!--I +thought I had attained it; but in the moment of my happiness, you came, +crushed every hope, and baffled all my joys. + +_Lady._ Upon my word, sir, very romantic,--but I thank Heaven, I look +for approbation in a better opinion than that of Mr Neville's. + +_Nev._ 'Tis well you do, madam; for were I your judge, your punishment +should be exemplary.--But I'll waste words no more--I only hope [_To +LOUISA._] you, madam, are satisfied that one of my errors may at least +be forgiven, and this last suspicion for ever blotted from your memory. + +_Lady._ Sir,--from that lady's forgiveness you have nothing to +expect--if she consents to pardon you, I'll take care my lord never +shall. + +_Nev._ No--I do not hope for forgiveness--I have heard her +determination; and, cruel as it is, to that I must resign;--she may be +assured I never will intrude where I know I offend. + +_Louisa._ Do you then leave us, Mr Neville? + +_Nev._ Yes, madam,--and for ever!----May you be as blest in the +gratification of your hopes as I have been wretched in the +disappointment of mine. [_Exit._ + +_Lady._ Tyrant! I wish he had stayed to hear reason--I hope he is not +serious in leaving us. + +_Louisa._ You hope!--Why does it concern you? + +_Lady._ Oh! no further than from that general love I bear mankind.--You +forget my feelings on these occasions, Louisa. + +_Louisa._ Yes, indeed--I have too much reason to attend to my +own!--You'll excuse me--I have particular business--I'll return +immediately. [_Exit._ + +_Lady._ Oh! the cause of her confusion is evident--she loves him +still--but they shall never meet again--I have already sent a letter to +Willoughby, which imparts a scheme I have long cherished. My lord, in +his anger about my stage mania, has forgot Ennui's play; so, that there +may be no bars to Willoughby's happiness, I am determined Louisa shall +be his this very night. + + _Enter LORD SCRATCH._ + +_Lord._ Here's a spectacle for a peer! Floriville is below, and has +returned from his travels a finished coxcomb.--I'll not give him a +farthing. + +_Lady._ Nay, my lord, perhaps you may be mistaken. + +_Lord._ Mistaken! no,--he has travelled not to see, but to say he had +seen. + + _Enter MARIANNE, with a French Watch and Chain._ + +_Mari._ Oh, uncle-in-law! look here----I never saw any thing so elegant +in all my life. + +_Lord._ Whose present is this? + +_Mari._ Whose!--why the sweet gentleman's just arrived from +Italy.--Lord! he's a dear man!--He has promised to do every thing for +me--to get me a fortune--to get me a husband--to get me a---- + +_Lord._ Hush! you don't know what you are talking about. + +_Mari._ Yes, but I do, though--he has told me every thing--Lord! I have +heard such things!--Come here, near--[_LORD SCRATCH gets close to her._] +get my aunt out of the room, and I'll tell you stories that shall make +your old heart bound again! Hush! do it quietly--I will, upon my +honour.--What an old fool it is! [_Aside._ + +_Lady._ Marianne, you mustn't listen to Mr Floriville,--for travellers +may persuade you into any thing--and many a woman has been ruined in one +country, by being told it is the fashion in another. + +_Lord._ Here he comes: I see, as plain as my peerage, I sha'n't keep my +temper. + + _Enter FLORIVILLE._ + +_Flor._ Ladies, a thousand pardons, for not waiting on you before, but +this is the first vacant moment I have had since my arrival in Bath. + +_Mari._ Sir, your coming at all is taken as a very great compliment, +I'll assure you. + +_Lady._ Leave the room immediately--no reply--I will be obeyed--[_To +MARIANNE, who exits._] Mr Floriville, we are very happy to see you. + +_Flor._ Ma'am, you do me honour--my lord, where's Harry?--I thought to +have found him here;--what, he didn't chuse to stay?--so much the +better--it shows he's not a man of ceremony--we do the same in Italy. +But, hark ye, uncle,--is this the lady I'm to call my aunt? + +_Lord._ My gorge is rising: I shall certainly do him a mischief. + +_Flor._ [_Spying at her._] Rather experienced or so--a little antique, +eh!--however, the same motive that makes her a good aunt to me, will +make her a good wife to you--you understand me? + +_Lord._ Dam'me if I do. + +_Flor._ Well, well, no matter--come, I want to hear every thing--to know +what remarkable occurrences have happened since I left England.--Pray, +Lady Waitfor't, inform me--do let me know every little circumstance. + +_Lady._ Rather, sir, we should ask of you what happened in your travels? + +_Flor._ Oh, nothing so shocking!--no man can be the herald of his own +praise. + +_Lady._ Yes, sir,--but I wish to know how you like the Chapel of +Loretto, the Venus de Medicis of Florence, the Vatican at Rome, and all +the numberless curiosities peculiar to the countries you have travelled +through? + +_Lord._ Look ye--I'll answer for it, he knows nothing of the gentlemen +you mention--do you, my sweet pretty?--Oh! you damned puppy! + +_Flor._ Why swear, my lord? + +_Lord._ Swear, my lord! Zounds! it's my prerogative, and, by----tell me +how you spent your time, sir? + +_Flor._ Why, in contemplating living angels, not dead antiquities;--in +basking in the rays of beauty, not mouldering in the dust of +ancestry;--in mirth, festivity, and pleasure; not study, pedantry, and +retirement.--Oh, I have lived, sir! lived for myself, not an ungrateful +world, who, should I die a martyr to their cause, would only laugh and +wonder at my folly. + +_Lady._ You seem to know the world, Mr Floriville. + +_Flor._ No, ma'am, I know little of mankind, and less of myself,--I have +no pilot, but my pleasures;--no mistress, but my passions;--and I don't +believe, if it was to save my life, I could reason consequentially for a +minute together. + +_Lord._ Granted:--you have seen every thing worth seeing, yet know +nothing worth knowing;--and now you have just knowledge enough to prove +yourself a fool on every subject. + +_Flor._ Vastly well, my lord--upon my word, you improve with your title, +but I am perfectly satisfied, believe me--for what I don't know, I take +for granted is not worth knowing--therefore we'll call another +topic.--I'm in love, my lord. + +_Lord._ In love!--with who, sir? + +_Flor._ Can't you guess? + +_Lord._ No, sir, I cannot. + +_Flor._ With one that will please you very much--at least, ought to +please you--you'll be in raptures, dear uncle. + +_Lord._ Raptures! and you shall be in agonies, my dear nephew. + +_Flor._ You have known one another a long while, yet you hav'n't met for +years--you have loved one another a long while, yet you quarrelled not +an hour ago--you have differed from one another all your lives, yet you +are likely to be friends as long as you live--and, above all, the person +is now in the house. + +_Lord._ In this house! let me know who it is this moment, or by the +blood of the Scratches---- + +_Flor._ One who has charms enough to set the world on fire;--one who has +fortune enough to set a state at war, sir;--one who has talents, health, +and prosperity, and yet not half what the person deserves:--can you tell +now, sir? + +_Lord._ No, sir, and if you don't tell this instant---- + +_Flor._ Then I'll tell you, [_Slaps him on the back._] it's myself, sir! +my own charming self!--I have searched the world over, and I don't find +any thing I like half so well. [_Walks up the stage._ + +_Lord._ I won't disgrace myself,--I won't lower the dignity of peerage, +by chastising a commoner;--else, you Prince of Butterflies----come, my +lady----look ye, sir--I intend to be handed down to posterity; and, +while you are being lampooned in ballads and newspapers, I mean to cut a +figure in the History of England:--so, come along, my lady--in the +History of England, you coxcomb! [_Exeunt LORD and LADY._ + +_Flor._ If the face is the picture of the mind, that intended aunt of +mine is a great hypocrite, and the story I heard of the poet proves +it.--But now for a frolic--'gad it's very strange I could never reform, +and become a serious thinking being--but what's the use of thinking? + + Reason stays till we call, and then not oft is near, + But honest instinct comes a volunteer!-- [_Exit._ + + +SCENE II. + + + _An Apartment in LADY WAITFOR'T'S House._ + + _Enter WILLOUGHBY and SERVANT._ + +_Will._ [_To SERVANT._] Tell your mistress I shall be punctual to the +appointment. [_Exit SERVANT._] So, thanks to fortune, Lady Waitfor't has +at length consented to my entreaties, and this night makes Louisa mine +for ever!--now to read the letter once more. [_Reads._ + + _Louisa accompanies me to-night to Lady Walton's, which + you know is at the extremity of the town--on some + pretence or other I'll tell her I have ordered the + servant at the back gate which adjoins the + paddock,--there I'll leave her--and if you have a + chaise waiting near the spot, you may conduct her where + you please.--You know my feelings on this occasion, but + it is for her good only, I'll assure you--she don't + deserve it, Mr Willoughby:--indeed she don't deserve + it._ + + A. WAITFOR'T. + +So--this is beyond my hopes!--ha! my Lord, and Louisa with him, come to +receive Ennui, whom, to my astonishment, I met just now swearing and +capering, and boasting of the vices of fashion--but no matter--I must to +the rendezvous immediately--now, Louisa, tremble at my vengeance! + [_Exit._ + + _Enter LORD SCRATCH and LOUISA._ + +_Lord._ Yes, yes:--Ennui will be here in an instant--but he's so +reserved--and so mild-- + +_Louisa._ So I understand, sir--and so very silent, that he won't talk +so much in a year, as I intend in an hour. + +_Lord._ I know--that's the reason I bring him into parliament--he'll +never speak--only say "Ay" or "No," and be up stairs to beef-steaks in +an instant, [_Knock._] Here he is!--now encourage him--don't mind his +diffidence-- + +_Louisa._ No, sir--I'll do all in my power to make him talk. + +_Lord._ That's well--I'll leave you together--I won't interrupt you, +[_Stamping without._] Odso!--I must get out of the way,--encourage him; +Louisa--I beseech you encourage him! [_Exit._ + +_Ennui._ [_Without._] Stand by! no ceremony, damme!-- + +_Louisa._ Heaven!--is this diffidence? + + _Enter ENNUI and SERVANT._ + +_Ennui._ Get down stairs, you dog--get down,--[_Exit SERVANT._] Here I +am, ma'am:--ease is every thing--I'll seat myself--now for +business!--yaw--aw!-- [_Yawns aside._ + +_Louisa._ Sir! + +_Ennui._ In one word, I'll tell you my character,--I'm a lad of +fashion!--I love gaming--I hate thinking--I like racing--I despise +reading--I patronize boxing--I detest reasoning--I pay debts of +honour,--not honourable debts--in short, I'll kick your servants--cheat +your family, and fight your guardian--and so if you like me, take +me--heh, damme!--I'm tired already!--yaw--aw. [_Yawns aside._ + +_Louisa._ Astonishing!--Mr Ennui-- + +_Ennui._ Ma'am? yaw--aw! [_Aside._ + +_Louisa._ Mr Ennui, can you be in your senses? + +_Ennui._ In fact--I don't comprehend [_Forgetting +himself._]--Oh--ay--senses! [_Recollecting himself._] a lad of fashion +in his senses!--that's a very good joke!--if one of us had any sense, +the rest would shut him up in a cabinet of curiosities, or show him as a +wonderful animal:--they would, damme!--I can't support it!--yaw--aw! + [_Yawns aside._ + +_Louisa._ So, you glory in your ignorance? + +_Ennui._ Ma'am--yaw! aw! [_Aside._ + +_Louisa._ So, you glory in your ignorance--in your vices? + +_Ennui._ I've an idea--I can't understand--[_Forgetting +himself._]--vices! Oh:--ay, damme, to be sure; [_Recollecting himself._] +you must be wicked, or you can't be visited--singularity is every +thing,--every man must get a character, and I'll tell you how I first +got mine:--I pretended to intrigue with my friend's wife,--paragraph'd +myself in the newspapers,--got caricatured in the print-shops--made the +story believed,--was abused by every body,--noticed for my gallantry by +every body--and at length visited by every body--I was, damme!--I'm +curst sleepy,--yaw--aw! [_Yawns aside._ + +_Louisa._ Incredible!--but if singularity is your system, perhaps being +virtuous would make you as particular as any thing. + +_Ennui._ Vastly well!--'gad, you're like me, a wit, and don't know it. +[_Taking out his Watch._] How goes the enemy?--more than half the day +over!--tol de rol lol! [_Humming a tune._] I'm as happy as if I was at a +fire, or a general riot.--Come to my arms, thou angel--thou--[_As he +goes to embrace her, LORD SCRATCH enters--he embraces him._] +Ah,--Scratch!--my friend Scratch!--sit down, my old boy--sit +down,--we've settled every thing. [_Forces him into a Chair, and sits by +him._] + +_Lord._ Why,--what is all this? + +_Ennui._ She's to intrigue, and you and I are to go halves in the +damages--some rich old Nabob--we'll draw him into _crim. con._--bring an +action directly, and a ten thousand pound verdict at least--eh, damme!-- + +_Lord._ Why he's mad!--that dramatic maniac has bit him. + +_Ennui._ Get a divorce--marry another, and go halves again, damme! + +_Lord._ [_Rising._] Why, look ye, you impostor!--you--didn't you come +here to pay your addresses to this lady? and wasn't I to bring you into +parliament, for your quiet silent disposition? + +_Ennui._ [_Pushing him out of his way._] Hold your tongue! out of the +way, Scratch!--out of the way, or I'll do you a mischief--I will, +damme!--Zounds!--a'nt I at the top of the beau monde? and don't I set +the fashions?--if I was to cut off my head, wouldn't half the town do +the same?--they would, damme!--I get sleepy again!--yaw--aw!-- [_Aside._ + +_Lord._ Here now!--here's a mandarin member;--why, he'd have bred a +civil war!--made ten long speeches in a day!--cut your head off, +indeed!--curse me but I wish you would--you must be silent then--you +couldn't talk without a head, could you? + +_Ennui._ Yes, in parliament--as well without a head as with one--do you +think a man wants a head for a long speech, damme!-- + + _Enter SERVANT._ + +_Servant._ Her ladyship is waiting, ma'am. + +_Louisa._ Oh, I attend her,--Mr Ennui, your most obedient. + +_Ennui._ [_Taking her Hand._] With your leave, ma'am.--You see, +Scratch--you see. + +_Lord._ Why, Louisa!-- + +_Ennui._ Keep your distance, Scratch--contemplate your superiors,--look +at me with the same awful respect a city beau looks at a prince,--this +way, most angelic--Scratch, cut your head off--this way, most angelic. + [_Exit with LOUISA._ + +_Lord._ Here's treatment!--was ever poor peer so tormented?--what am I +to do?--I'll go to Lady Waitfor't, for from her alone I meet +relief,--find a silent member, indeed!--by my privilege one might as +soon find a pin in the ocean,--charity in a bench of bishops,--or wit in +Westminster hall! [_Exit._ + + + + +ACT THE FOURTH. + + +SCENE I. + + + _The Paddock near LADY WALTON'S House--A View of the + House at a distance, and partly moonlight._ + + _WILLOUGHBY alone._ + +_Willoughby._ 'Tis past the hour Lady Waitfor't appointed--why does she +delay? I cannot have mistaken the place--yonder's Lady Walton's +house--Oh! 'would all were past, and Louisa safely mine! I hear a +noise--by Heaven 'tis she! and with her all my happiness--I'll withdraw +a while, and observe them. [_Retires._ + + _Enter LADY WAITFOR'T and LOUISA COURTNEY._ + +_Louisa._ My dear Lady Waitfor't, why do you loiter here? you cannot +find your servants in this place--let us return to Lady Walton's. + +_Lady._ No, no, they must be here,--I ordered them to wait in this very +spot, to avoid confusion. What can have become of Willoughby? [_Aside._ + +_Louisa._ If you have the least sense of fear for yourself, or regard +for me, I beg we may return to Lady Walton's. + +_Lady._ No, no, I tell you I ordered William at the back gate, that he +might conduct us through the paddock to our carriage; you know we might +have been whole hours getting through the crowd the other way--do be a +little patient, hav'n't I as much reason to be alarmed as yourself? + +_Louisa._ Yes, but you have not the apprehension I have; I don't know +why, but I am terrified beyond description. + +_Lady._ Well, well, never fear; [_Looking out._] Oh, yonder's +Willoughby! now for the grand design! [_Aside._] Louisa, if you'll wait +here a moment I'll step to the next gate, and see if they are +there;--they cannot escape us then. + +_Louisa._ No, no, don't leave me;--I wouldn't stay by myself for the +world. + +_Lady._ Ridiculous! can't you protect yourself for an instant? must you +be all your life watch'd like a baby in leading-strings? Oh! I am +ashamed of you--only wait a moment, lest they pass by in my absence, and +I'll return to you immediately. + +_Louisa._ Well: don't stay. + +_Lady._ Stay! what have you to be frightened at? I shall not be out of +call;--besides, if there's any fear of a personal attack, may not I be +as terrified as yourself? It isn't the first time, I'll assure you, but +that's no matter;--show yourself a woman of spirit, and, at least, +emulate one of my virtues.--Now, Willoughby, the rest is thine! [_Exit._ + + _WILLOUGHBY comes forward._ + +_Willoughby._ Be not alarmed, Miss Courtney. + +_Louisa._ Mr Willoughby! + +_Willoughby._ Yes, madam; the man you most avoid. + +_Louisa._ Tell me, sir, immediately, how, and by whose appointment, you +came here? + +_Willoughby._ By love, madam; the same passion that has prompted me to +pursue you for years, now happily conducts me hither;--I come to lessen +your fears, not to increase them. + +_Louisa._ Then, leave me, sir, I can protect myself. + +_Willoughby._ No, not till you have heard and pitied me; I have been +long your suitor, and long scorned by you; you have treated me with +indifference, and preferred my inferiors; how I have deserved all this, +yourself can best explain, but, to prove all former cruelties are +forgotten, I here offer you my hand, and, with it, my heart. + +_Louisa._ Sir,--this is no time for hearing you on this subject; if you +wish to oblige me, leave me. + +_Willoughby._ No, not till I am answered;--years may elapse ere I shall +have another opportunity like the present, therefore no time can be so +well as now. + +_Louisa._ Then I command you to leave me,--I will not be threatened into +a compliance. + +_Willoughby._ Look ye, Miss Courtney--I would avoid taking advantage of +your situation--nay, start not--but if you persist in your contempt of +me, I know not to what extremities passion may hurry me; I have every +motive for redress, and, if you do not instantly give me your word, to +prefer me to that beggar Neville, I may do that, my cooler sense would +scorn. + +_Louisa._ Beggar, sir! + +_Willoughby._ Yes; and, were he not beneath my resentment, I'd tell you +more;--but he is too poor--too-- + +_Louisa._ Hold, sir; did you resemble him, I might esteem, nay, adore +you; but as you are, I loath, I despise, I defy you;--you take advantage +of my situation!--Hear me, sir,--though not a friend is near,--though +night opposes me, and Heaven deserts me, yet can I smile upon your +menaces, and make you tremble, villain as you are. + +_Willoughby._ Have a care, madam! another declaration like that, and +I'll delay no longer;--I'll force you to my purpose. + +_Louisa._ You dare not, on your life you dare not. + +_Willoughby._ Nay, then--I am not to be terrified by threats,--[_Lays +hold of her._] all struggling is in vain; this moment gratifies my +revenge,--away! + +_Louisa._ Off,--let me go! Oh, help! help! + + [_As he is forcing her out, enter FLORIVILLE, half + drunk._] + +_Flor._ "Donne, donne, donne, dow." [_Singing part of an Italian air._] +Oh, this burgundy's a glorious liquor! hey-day! who have we here? + +_Louisa._ Oh, sir! if you have any pity for an injured, helpless woman, +assist one who never knew distress till now! + +_Flor._ Go on, ma'am, go on--both damn'd drunk I perceive. + +_Louisa._ Do not be deaf to my entreaties--do not desert me-- + +_Flor._ Go on, ma'am, go on--I love oratory in a woman. + +_Louisa._ Gracious Heaven! how have I deserved all this? I see, sir, you +avoid me. I see you are indifferent to my fate. + +_Flor._ No, ma'am, you wrong me--but in Italy--observe--we always take +these things coolly--now, sir, will you explain? + +_Willoughby._ No, sir, I will not. + +_Flor._ You will not? + +_Willoughby._ No, sir, and I warn you not to listen to the wild ravings +of a senseless woman--it may be better for you, sir. + +_Flor._ Why so, Prince Prettiman? + +_Willoughby._ No matter, sir, I will not be amused from my purpose. + +_Flor._ You won't, old Pluto, won't you? then, ma'am, observe! you shall +behold my mode of fighting--I'll kill him like a gentleman, and he shall +die without a groan;--you'll be delighted, ma'am--I learnt it all in +Italy.--Come, Belzebub, are you ready? + +_Willoughby._ 'Sdeath! what can I do? he is drunk, perhaps I may disarm +him. + +_Flor._ Now, thou original sin, thou prince of darkness! come out; never +let her see thy black infernal visage more, or by my life I'll pulverize +you--you see, ma'am, no bad orator either--learnt it all in Italy. + +_Willoughby._ Come on, sir. + +_Flor._ Ay, now old Sysiphus, push home--but fight like a gentleman, if +you can, for remember, there is a lady in company--observe, ma'am, +observe; you won't see it again. [_They fight.--FLORIVILLE disarms +WILLOUGHBY._] + +_Flor._ What, vanquished, Tarquin? hah! hah! [_Parrying up and down the +stage by himself._]--You see, ma'am, you see!--Oh! Italy's your only +country!--Now, ma'am, would you have me kill him here, "in Allegro," or +postpone it, that you may have the pleasure of pinking him yourself, "in +Penseroso?" + +_Louisa._ [_Coming near FLORIVILLE, and discovering him._] Floriville, +my deliverer!--generous man!--No, sir, whatever are his crimes, do not +kill him; his greatest punishment will be to live. + +_Flor._ There, then, caitiff, take your sword, and, d'ye hear? +retire;--that black front of thine offends the lady;--if you want +another flourish, you will soon find Floriville--abscond. + +_Willoughby._ Sir, you shall hear from me--distraction! [_Exit._ + +_Flor._ And now, my dear little angel, how can I assist you? I'm very +sorry that I can't help it--I'm cursed drunk, and not proper company for +a lady of your dignity,--but I won't affront you,--I mean to make myself +agreeable, and if I do not--it is the fault of that place, [_Pointing to +his head._] and not of this, [_Pointing to his heart._] + +_Louisa._ Sir, your conduct has endeared you to me for ever, and while I +live, your generosity and valour shall be engraven on my heart. + +_Flor._ Gently, gently, have a care, make no declarations; if you are in +love with me, as I suppose you are, keep it secret,--for at this moment +you might raise a flame that would consume us both;--poor creature! how +fond she is of me! any other time I would indulge her, but not +now--[_Looks at her sometime, then runs, and kisses her hand._]--Oh, you +paragon!--"Angels must paint to look as fair as you."--[_Goes from her +again._]--I'll leave you, or, by Heaven, it will be all over with us. + +_Louisa._ No, no, don't desert me! alas! I have no way left but to +commit myself to your care--if I could bring him to recollect me, all +would be safe. Mr Floriville, don't you know me? + +_Flor._ No, 'would to Heaven I did. + +_Louisa._ What, not Miss Courtney? + +_Flor._ What, Louisa? my brother's idol? + +_Louisa._ Alas! the very same. + +_Flor._ Then may I die, if I don't get out of your debt before I leave +you--where--where shall I conduct you? + +_Louisa._ I know not--return to lady Waitfor't's again, I will not--I +had rather be a wanderer all my life--to lady Walton's there is no +excuse for returning, and I know no friend in Bath I dare intrude +upon.--I have so high an opinion, Mr Floriville, of your honour, that, +notwithstanding your present situation, there is no man on earth I would +sooner confide in;--can you then think of any place where I may rest in +safety for a few hours, and then I will set out for my uncle's in the +country. + +_Flor._ Indeed I cannot, I am a wanderer myself;--I have no home but +what this gentleman is to purchase me [_Taking out his purse._]--you +cannot partake of that. + +_Louisa._ Oh! what will become of me? + +_Flor._ Let me see--I have it--I'll take her to my brother's;--she'll be +safe there, and not a soul shall come near her.--Well, Miss Courtney,--I +have recollected a place where I know you'll be safe--a friend's house, +that will be as secure--nay, don't droop--in Italy we're never +melancholy. + +_Louisa._ Oh, Mr Floriville, to what a hazard has lady Waitfor't exposed +me!--to her perfidy I owe it all--but yonder's that wretch again--pray +let us begone. + +_Flor._ Belzebub again,--no, no, we mustn't stir;--what! an angel fly +from a devil? damme, I'll stay and crush him. + +_Louisa._ Nay, sir, reflect,--'twere madness to remain. + +_Flor._ 'Faith that's true; I believe it's braver to retire,--therefore, +Tarquin, adieu; come, my best angel! I'll fight your battles, and if I +don't sink all your enemies, may I never see Italy again as long as I +live! [_Exeunt._ + + _Enter WILLOUGHBY._ + +_Willoughby._ Ha! gone,--I am sorry for it--I would have seen them--lady +Waitfor't has just left me, and treated me like her slave,--insulted and +derided me; but I'll have done with her for ever,--I'll be her dupe no +more;--she is now gone to Neville's lodgings, under pretence of pursuing +Louisa, but, in fact, to see him, and prevent his leaving Bath;--this I +will write to my lord, and then let him follow, and be witness of her +infamy;--thus, I hope, I shall make some reparation for the wrongs I +have committed, and prove at last I have some sense of virtue. [_Exit._ + + +SCENE II. + + + _NEVILLE'S Lodgings--A Closet in back Scene.--Two + Chairs, and a Table, with Wine on it.--A knocking at the + Door._ + + _Enter PETER, reading a Card._ + +_Peter._ _Vapid presents his compliments to his friend Neville; has +thought of nothing but writing the epilogue for his friend's play since +they parted; he has made great progress, and will wait on him to take +his judgment on it in a few minutes._ If the gentleman should come +soon, I fear my master won't be at home to receive him. + + [_Knocks.--PETER opens the Door, and lets in VAPID._ + +_Vapid._ Well, here it is;--where's Neville? + +_Peter._ Not within, sir. + +_Vapid._ Yes, yes, here it is:--I must see him. + +_Peter._ Sir, he's gone out. + +_Vapid._ Gone out? impossible! + +_Peter._ Impossible! it's very true, sir. + +_Vapid._ Gone out! why, I've brought him the epilogue--the new epilogue +to Mr What's-his-name's comedy; the very best thing I ever wrote in my +life; I knew it would delight him. + +_Peter._ Sir, he has been gone out above these two hours. + +_Vapid._ Then he'll never forgive himself as long as he lives; why, it's +all correct--all chaste! only one half line wanting at the end to make +it complete. + +_Peter._ Indeed, sir, it's very unfortunate. + +_Vapid._ Unfortunate! I wanted to have heard him read it too; when +another person reads it, one often hits on a thought that might +otherwise have escaped; then, perhaps, he would have hit on that cursed +half line, I have so long been working at. + +_Peter._ Sir, if it is not impertinent, and you'd permit me to read it-- + +_Vapid._ You read it! + +_Peter._ Yes, sir, if you'd allow me that honour. + +_Vapid._ 'Faith, I should have no objection,--but wouldn't it lower +one's dignity? No, no, Moliere used to read his plays to his servants, +so I believe all's regular.--Come, sir, begin. + [_PETER reading Epilogue._ + + In ancient times, when agonizing wars, + And bleeding nations, fill'd the world with jars; + When murder, battle, sudden death, prevail'd, + When---- + +_Vapid._ Stop--stop--I have it: not a word for your life; I feel +it--it's coming on--the last line directly--quick! quick! + [_PETER reads._ + + The tyrant totters, and the senate nods, + Die all, die nobly!---- + +_Peter._ Here's something wanting, sir. + +_Vapid._ I know it, say nothing--I have it-- + [_Walks backwards and forwards._ + + The tyrant totters, and the senate nods, + Die all, die nobly!---- + +Oh, damn it! damn it! damn it!--that cursed half line!--I shall never +accomplish it--all so chaste--all so correct,--and to have it marr'd for +want of one half line,--one curst half line! I could almost weep for +disappointment. + +_Peter._ Never mind, sir, don't perplex yourself,--put in any thing. + +_Vapid._ Put in any thing! why, 'tis the last line, and the epilogue +must end with something striking, or it will be no trap for applause--no +trap for applause, after all this fine writing!--Put in any thing!--what +do you mean, sirrah? + +_Peter._ Methinks this is a strange epilogue to a comedy--[_Knock at the +door._]--Perhaps this is my master--[_Looks out._]--no, as I live, 'tis +Mr Floriville and Miss Courtney! she mustn't on any account be seen by +this gentleman. + +_Vapid._ Well, who is it?--"The tyrant totters"-- + +_Peter._ Sir, it's a friend of my master's who has brought a lady with +him--I'm sure you've too much gallantry to interrupt an amour; and, +therefore, you'll be kind enough to get out of the way directly. + +_Vapid._ Get out of the way! what the devil, in the middle of my +composition?--"Die all, die nobly"-- + +_Peter._ Nay, sir, only step for a moment into this closet, and you +shall be released,--now, pray, sir,--pray be prevailed on. + +_Vapid._ Well, let me see--in this closet! why, here's china, zounds! +would you put a live author in a china closet? + +_Peter._ What can I do, sir? there is no way out but that door--get in +here for an instant, and I'll show them into the library--now do, sir. + +_Vapid._ Well, be brief then,--"Die all! die nobly!"--oh! oh! oh! + [_Enters Closet, and FLORIVILLE and LOUISA enter._ + +_Flor._ Hey-day!--my old acquaintance, Peter! where's my brother? + +_Peter._ Sir, he has been out the whole evening. + +_Louisa._ In the same house with Neville!--oh, Heavens! + +_Flor._ Well, Miss Courtney, I hope now you are convinced of your +safety. + +_Louisa._ Yes, sir, but I would it were in any other place; lady +Waitfor't, ere this, is in pursuit of me, and if she discovers me here, +you know too well how much I have to dread. + [_Knock at the Door.--Exit PETER._ + +_Flor._ Don't be alarm'd, there's nothing shall molest you. + +_Louisa._ Oh, sir, you don't know the endless malice of lady +Waitfor't--she will triumph in my misery, and till my lord is convinced +of her duplicity, I see no hope of your brother's happiness, or my own. + + _Enter PETER._ + +_Peter._ Lady Waitfor't is below, inquiring for that lady, or my master. + +_Flor._ For my brother? + +_Peter._ Yes, sir, and my lord has sent to know if Mr Vapid, or her +ladyship, have been here;--he was in bed, but on receiving a letter, got +up, and will be here in an instant. + +_Louisa._ For Heaven's sake, Mr Floriville, let me retire,--I cannot +support the conflict. + +_Flor._ Promise to recall your spirits, and you shall. + +_Louisa._ What I can do I will. + +_Flor._ Then know no apprehension, for, on my life, you shall not be +disturbed. + + [_Leads her to the Door of the Library, and talks in + dumb show._ + +_Vapid._ [_From Closet._] Peter! Peter! can't you release me? + +_Peter._ No, sir, don't move, you'll ruin every thing. + +_Vapid._ Then give me that candle--I have pen and ink--I think I could +finish my epilogue. + +_Peter._ Here, sir. [_Giving Candle._ + +_Vapid._ That curst half line--"Die all"-- [_PETER shuts him in._ + +_Flor._ So, now, the storm begins, and if I don't have some sport with +the enemy--[_Sits at Table, and begins drinking._]--here she comes. + + _Enter LADY WAITFOR'T._ + +_Flor._ Chairs, Peter, chairs,--Sit down, ma'am--sit down--you honour me +exceedingly. + +_Lady._ Where is your brother, sir? I insist on seeing him. + + _Enter LORD SCRATCH._ + +_Lord._ There she is!--in a man's lodgings at midnight--here's +treatment! + +_Lady._ My lord, I came here in search of Louisa, who has been betrayed +from my power. + +_Lord._ Look ye, my lady--read that letter, that's all; read that +letter, and then say, if we sha'n't both cut a figure in the print +shops. + +_Lady._ [_Taking Letter._] Ha! Willoughby's hand! [_Reads._] _Lady +Waitfor't, (I have only time to tell you) is gone to Neville's lodgings, +to meet one she has long had a passion for--follow her, and be convinced +of her duplicity._ Oh, the villain! well, my lord, and pray who is the +man I come to meet? + +_Lord._ Why, who should it be but the stage ruffian? if there was a sofa +in the room, my life on't, he'd pop from behind it.--Zounds! that fellow +will lay straw before my door every nine months! + +_Lady._ This is fortunate.--[_Aside._]--Well, sir, if I discover Louisa, +I hope you'll be convinced I came here to redeem her, and not disgrace +myself. Tell me, sir, immediately, where she is concealed. + [_To FLORIVILLE._ + +_Flor._ Sit down, ma'am--sit down: drink, drink, then we'll talk over +the whole affair--there is no doing business without wine; come, here's +"The glory of gallantry"--I'm sure you'll both drink that. + +_Lady._ No trifling, sir; tell me where she is concealed;--nay, then +I'll examine the apartment myself--[_Goes to Door of Library._]--the +door lock'd! give me the key, sir. + +_Flor._ [_Drinking._] "The glory of gallantry, ma'am." + +_Lord._ Hear me, sir, if the lady's in that apartment, I shall be +convinced that you and your brother are the sole authors of all this +treachery; if she is there, by the honour of my ancestors, she shall be +Willoughby's wife to-morrow morning. + +_Flor._ [_Rising._] Shall she, my lord? Pray, were you ever in Italy? + +_Lord._ Why, coxcomb? + +_Flor._ Because, I'm afraid you've been bitten by a tarantula--you'll +excuse me, but the symptoms are wonderfully alarming--There is a blazing +fury in your eye--a wild emotion in your countenance, and a green spot-- + +_Lord._ Damn the green spot! open that door, and let me see immediately: +I'm a peer, and have a right to look at any thing. + +_Flor._ [_Standing before the Door._] No, sir; this door must not be +open'd. + +_Lord._ Then I'll forget my peerage, and draw my sword. + +_Flor._ [_To LADY WAITFOR'T, who is going to interfere._] Don't be +alarm'd, ma'am, I'll only indulge him for my own amusement--mere trout +fishing, ma'am-- + + _Enter LOUISA, from the Apartment._ + +_Louisa._ Hold! I charge you, hold!--let not my unhappy fate be the +source of more calamities. + +_Lord._ 'Tis she herself:--My lady did not come to meet the madman. + +_Flor._ By the lord, ma'am, you have ruined all. + +_Louisa._ I know, sir, the consequences of this discovery, and I abide +by them.--But what I have done, I can justify, and 'would to Heaven all +here could do the same! + +_Flor._ Indeed, I can't tell--I wish I was in Italy. + +_Lord._ Mark me, madam,--nay, tears are in vain--to-morrow shall make +you the wife of Willoughby; and he shall answer for your follies.--No +reply, sir, [_To FLORIVILLE, who is going to speak._] I wou'dn't hear +the chancellor. + +_Lady._ Now, who is to blame? Oh, virtue is ever sure to meet its +reward!--Come to meet a mad poet, indeed!--My lord, I forgive you only +on condition of your signing a contract to marry me to-morrow, and +Louisa to Willoughby, at the same time. + +_Lord._ I will, thou best of women!--draw it up immediately--and Neville +shall starve for his treachery. + [_LADY WAITFOR'T goes to the Table, and writes._ + +_Louisa._ [_Falling at the feet of LORD SCRATCH._] Hear me, sir, not for +myself, but for a wrong'd friend, I speak:--Mr Neville knows not of my +concealment; on my honour, he is innocent:--if that lady's wrongs must +be avenged, confine the punishment to me--I'll bear it, with patience +bear it. + +_Lord._ Let go!--let go, I say!--Lady Waitfor't, make haste with the +contract. + +_Lady._ It only waits the signature.--Now, my lord. + +_Flor._ Look ye, uncle--she's the cause of all this mischief, and if you +are not lost---- + +_Lord._ Out of my way!--O'd--noise and nonsense!--don't fancy yourselves +in the House of Commons! we're not speaking twenty at a time. Here! give +me the pen--I'll sign directly; and now-- + + [_As he is going to sign, VAPID breaks the China in the + Closet, and rushes out, with the Epilogue in his Hand._ + +_Vapid._ "Die all! die nobly! die like demi-gods!"--Huzza, huzza! 'tis +done! 'tis past! 'tis perfect. + +_Flor._ Huzza!--the poet at last; "Stop him who can!" + +_Lady._ Confusion!--tell me, sir, immediately, what do you mean by this +new insult? + +_Vapid._ "Die all! die nobly! die like demi-gods!"--oh, it's +glorious!--Ah, old Scratch, are you there?--Joy, joy! give me joy!--I've +done your business! the work's past!--the labour's o'er, my boy!--"think +of that, Master Brook--think of that!" + +_Lady._ My lord, I am vilely treated.--I desire you'll insist on an +explanation. + +_Flor._ He can't speak, madam. + [_All this time, my LORD is slowly walking away._ + +_Lady._ How! are you going to leave me, my lord? + +_Vapid._ [_Taking out his Common-place Book._] 'Faith this musn't be +lost!--here's something worth observing. [_Exit LORD SCRATCH._ + +_Lady._ Oh, I shall burst with rage!--Mr Vapid, I desire you'll explain +how you came in that closet.--Why don't you answer me, sir? + +_Vapid._ Your pardon, ma'am, I was taking a note of the affair--and yet +I'm afraid---- + +_Lady._ What are you afraid of, sir? + +_Vapid._ That it has been dramatized before;--it is certainly not a new +case. + +_Lady._ Insupportable!--But I take my leave of you all!--I abandon you +for ever!--I!--oh, I shall go wild! [_Exit in a rage._ + +_Flor._ Ay, ay, follow his lordship--virtue is ever sure to meet its +reward. Now, Mr Vapid, tell us how you came in that closet? + +_Vapid._ 'Faith, I can't.--I believe the servant hurried me there on +your approach. + +_Flor._ Then you didn't come to meet lady Waitfor't? + +_Vapid._ Meet lady Waitfor't!--no, I came to read my epilogue to +Neville; and a wonderful production it is--"The tyrant totters, and the +senate nods." [_Walking about._ + +_Louisa._ To what a strange fatality of circumstances has her character +been exposed!--but vice often finds its punishment for a crime it never +committed, when it escapes for thousands it daily practises. + +_Flor._ Well, Miss Courtney, I hope now your apprehensions are at an +end? + +_Louisa._ Yes, sir, I shall remain for the short time necessary to +prepare for my journey, and beg I may detain you no longer. I'm afraid I +have already been a great intruder. + +_Flor._ No, you have been the occasion of more happiness than ever I +experienced. But you won't leave Bath, till you've seen my brother? + +_Louisa._ Oh, I have been cruelly deceived, Mr Floriville! I have +injured your brother so much, that, though I wish, I almost dread to see +him. + +_Flor._ Then I'll go in search of him,--and if I don't reconcile +you----Come, Mr Vapid, will you walk? + +_Vapid._ With all my heart. + +_Flor._ [_Taking him by the hand._] By Heaven, you are an honest fellow. + +_Vapid._ Madam, good night!--if I can be of any service to you in the +dramatic, or any other way, you may command me. + +_Flor._ Ay, I'll answer for him,--he would die to serve you. + +_Vapid._ Die to serve her! ay, "Die all!--die nobly!--die like +demi-gods!" [_Exeunt._ + + + + +ACT THE FIFTH. + + +SCENE I. + + + _LADY WAITFOR'T'S Apartment._ + + _LADY WAITFOR'T discovered at her Toilette. LETTY + waiting._ + +_Lady._ Mr Vapid not come yet, Letty? + +_Letty._ No, ma'am,--but the servant, who found him at the tavern, said +he would be here immediately. + +_Lady._ I protest, I am almost weary of them all.--[_Noise without._] +See who's there. [_LETTY listens, and returns._ + +_Letty._ Mr Vapid at last:--now, pray your ladyship, insist on his +explaining every thing to my lord. + +_Lady._ Yes; but vilely as he has treated me, I must still be calm. + + _VAPID, putting his head in._ + +Walk in, sir, walk in. + +_Vapid._ No, ma'am, I'd rather stay here. + +_Lady._ I beg you'll be seated, Mr Vapid--I have something of +consequence to impart to you. + + _Enter VAPID, gently._ + +_Vapid._ I'd never have ventured but in hopes of seeing my dear +Marianne. + +_Lady._ Indeed I will not detain you a moment. + +_Vapid._ Very well, ma'am, if that's the case----[_Slowly seating +himself._] It's very alarming. [_Aside._ + +_Lady._ Letty, leave the room, and fasten the door. [_Exit LETTY._ + +_Vapid._ No, no!--don't do that, I beseech you! + +_Lady._ You're very much frightened, Mr Vapid;--I hope you don't suppose +I have any design against you? + +_Vapid._ I don't know, really, ma'am--such things are perfectly +dramatic. + +_Lady._ Well, but, to release you from your fears, I'll tell you why I +have given you this trouble--My business, Mr Vapid, was to converse with +you on the farcical affair that happened at Neville's. + +_Vapid._ Farcical! + +_Lady._ Yes, sir, the farcical affair that happened at Mr Neville's. + +_Vapid._ Farcical?--what, my epilogue, ma'am?--I hope you don't mean to +reflect on that? + +_Lady._ No, sir, far from it--I have no doubt but it is a very elegant +composition. + +_Vapid._ Doubt!--here it is, read it!--the very first production of the +age! A regular climax of poetic beauty!--the last line the _ne plus +ultra_ of genius. + +_Lady._ But, to be serious, Mr Vapid---- + +_Vapid._ Why, I am serious:--and I'll tell you, lady Waitfor't, 'tis the +last line of an epilogue, and the last scene of a comedy, that always +distracts me--'tis the reconciliation of lovers--there's the +difficulty!--You find it so in real life, I dare say? + +_Lady._ Yes.--But Mr Vapid, this affair concerns me excessively, and I +wish to know what is to be done. + +_Vapid._ I'll tell you,--write a play,--and, bad as it may possibly be, +say it's a translation from the French, and interweave a few compliments +on the English, and, my life on't, it does wonders.--Do it, and say you +had the thought from me. + +_Lady._ Sir, do you mean to deride me? + +_Vapid._ No.--But only be cautious in your style--women are in general +apt to indulge that pruriency and warm luxuriancy of fancy they +possess,--but do be careful--be decent--if you are not, I have done with +you. + +_Lady._ Sir, I desire you'll be more respectful.--I don't understand it +at all. [_Rising._ + + _Enter MARIANNE._ + +_Vapid._ Then here comes one that will explain every thing. + + "There's in her all that we believe of Heaven; + Amazing brightness, purity, and truth, + Eternal joy, and everlasting love!" + +My dear sweet little partner, I rejoice to see you! + +_Mari._ And, my dear sweet Mr Poet, I rejoice to see you! + +_Lady._ Provoking!--Have I not told you a thousand times, never to break +in upon me when I am alone? + +_Mari._ Alone, my lady! do you call Mr Vapid nobody, then? + +_Lady._ Suppose I should,--what is that to you? + +_Mari._ Then I have a wrong notion of your nobodies.--I always thought +them harmless, unmeaning things; but Mr Vapid's not so very harmless +either--are you, Mr Vapid? + +_Vapid._ Indeed, ma'am, I am not. + +_Mari._ There now,--I told you so.--Upon my word, you rely too much on +your time of life,--you do indeed. You think, because you're a little +the worse for wear, you may trust yourself any where,--but you're +mistaken--you're not near so bad as you imagine--nay, I don't flatter, +do I, Mr Vapid? + +_Vapid._ Indeed, ma'am, you do not. + +_Lady._ Look ye, miss,--your insolence is not to be borne--you have been +the chief cause of all my perplexities. + +_Mari._ Nay, aunt, don't say that. + +_Lady._ No matter,--your behaviour is shameless, and it is high time I +exerted the authority of a relation--you are a disgrace to me--to +yourself, and your friends--therefore, I am determined to put into +execution a scheme I have long thought of. + +_Mari._ What is it? something pleasant I hope. + +_Lady._ No, you shall retire to a convent, till you take possession of +your fortune. + +_Mari._ A convent! Oh lord! I can't make up my mind to it, now don't, +pray don't think of it--I declare it's quite shocking. + +_Lady._ It is a far better place than you deserve; my resolution is +fixed, and we shall see whether a life of solitude and austerity will +not awaken some sense of shame in you. + +_Mari._ Indeed, I can't bear the thoughts of it.--Oh do speak to her, Mr +Vapid--tell her about the nasty monks, now do,--a convent! mercy! what a +check to the passions! Oh! I can't bear it. [_Weeping._ + +_Vapid._ Gad, here's a sudden touch of tragedy--pray, Lady Waitfor't, +reflect--you can't send a lady to a convent when the theatres are open. + +_Mari._ It will be the death of me! pray, my dear aunt---- + +_Lady._ Not a word--I am determined--to-morrow you shall leave this +country, and then I have done with you for ever. + +_Mari._ Oh! my poor heart! Oh, oh! + +_Vapid._ See! she'll faint! + +_Mari._ Oh! oh! oh! [_MARIANNE faints in LADY WAITFOR'T'S Arms._ + +_Lady._ Oh! I have gone too far, Mr Vapid! + +_Vapid._ I fly, I'll call the servants. Have you got any drops? + +_Lady._ I have some drops in this closet may recover her--hold her a +moment, and for heaven's sake take care of her. [_Exit._ + + [_MARIANNE lays in VAPID'S Arms._ + +_Vapid._ Here's a situation!--Poor girl!--how I pity her! I really loved +her. + +_Mari._ Did you really love me, Mr Vapid? + +_Vapid._ Hey-day! recovered!--here's incident! + +_Mari._ But did you really love me, Mr Vapid? + +_Vapid._ Yes I did,--here's stage effect! + +_Mari._ And would you have really run away with me, Mr Vapid? + +_Vapid._ Yes, I really would. + +_Mari._ Then come along this moment. + +_Vapid._ Hush!--here's the old lady! keep dying, as before, and we'll +effect the business--more equivoque! + + _Enter LADY WAITFOR'T._ + +_Lady._ Well, Mr Vapid, how does she do? lord! she's in strong +convulsions. + +_Vapid._ Yes, ma'am, she's dying; where are the drops? + +_Lady._ Here, sir. + +_Vapid._ There are very few--are there any more of the same kind? + +_Lady._ Yes, plenty. + +_Vapid._ Fetch them,--'tis the only hope--if you have any hartshorn too, +bring a little of that. + +_Lady._ I'm quite shocked! [_Exit._ + +_Mari._ Well, Mr Vapid, now let's run away--come--why what are you +thinking of? + +_Vapid._ My last act, and I fear-- + +_Mari._ What do you fear? + +_Vapid._ That it can't be managed--let me see--we certainly run away, +and she returns--'faith, I must see her return. + +_Mari._ No, no, pray let us begone, think of this another time. + +_Vapid._ So I will--it will do for the fourth, though not for the fifth +act,--therefore, my dear little girl, come away, and we'll live and die +together. + +_Mari._ Die together! + +_Vapid._ Ay, "Die all! die nobly! die like demi-gods!" [_Exeunt._ + + _Enter LADY WAITFOR'T._ + +_Lady._ Here, Mr Vapid--here are the drops!--What, gone!--ruined by a +writer of epilogues!--Oh! I shall burst with disappointment! [_Exit._ + + +SCENE II. + + + _Another Apartment in NEVILLE'S House--In the back + Scene, Glass Doors, with Curtains._ + + _Enter LOUISA COURTNEY._ + +_Louisa._ Still in the same house, yet still afraid to meet him! Oh, +Neville! my superior in every thing; how can I hope for your +forgiveness? while you revealed an affection it had done you credit to +deny, I concealed a passion I might have been proud to confess. + + _Enter VAPID and MARIANNE._ + +_Mari._ Oh! Miss Courtney! my sweet Miss Courtney! Mr Vapid, here, has +run away with me, and I am so frightened for fear of Lady Waitfor't. + +_Louisa._ Yes, she may well alarm you,--she has destroyed my peace for +ever! but have you seen Mr Neville? yet, why do I ask! + +_Vapid._ Seen Mr Neville!--What, doesn't he yet know you are in his +lodgings? + +_Louisa._ No, and I hope never will--the moment his brother returns, I +shall set out for my uncle's, and perhaps never see him more. + +_Vapid._ And why not see him, ma'am? + +_Louisa._ Because I cannot bear the sight of one I have so injured. + +_Vapid._ This'll do--mutual equivoque! equal misunderstanding! my own +case exactly! + +_Mari._ Your own case! Lord! you base man, have you got a young lady in +your lodgings? + +_Vapid._ Ridiculous! don't talk about young ladies at such an awful--the +very situation in my comedy! the last scene to a syllable!--here's an +opportunity of improving the denouement! + + _Enter PETER._ + +_Peter._ Ma'am, my master is returned--the occasion of his delay has +been a long interview with Mr Willoughby,--he doesn't know you are here. + +_Louisa._ Marianne, excuse me--you'll be safe from Lady Waitfor't +here--indeed I'm very ill. + +_Mari._ Nay--where are you going? + +_Louisa._ Alas! any where to avoid him--farewell! and may you enjoy that +happiness I have for ever lost! [_Exit._ + +_Mari._ Poor dear girl! I mustn't leave her thus--Mr Vapid, we won't run +away till something is done for her. + +_Vapid._ Go,--there's a good girl--follow her, and comfort her. + +_Mari._ I will--Lord! if they must be happy in being friends again, what +must I be who make them so! [_Exit._ + +_Vapid._ The picture before me! all from nature,--I must heighten his +distress, for contrast is every thing--Peter, not a word for your life. + + _Enter NEVILLE._ + +_Nev._ Vapid, I am glad to see you--any letter from my brother? + [_To PETER._ + +_Peter._ None, sir. + +_Nev._ Nor message? + +_Peter._ No, sir. + +_Nev._ Then I need doubt no longer--'tis evident he avoids me--cruel, +ungenerous Floriville!-- [_Seats himself._ + +_Vapid._ [_Leaning over his Chair._] Miss Courtney will never see you +again. + +_Nev._ I know it--too well I know it--that, and that alone, makes me +determined to leave this country for ever. + +_Vapid._ You are unhappy then? + +_Nev._ Completely so. + +_Vapid._ Then stop.--[_Sits by him._] She was an angel, Harry. + +_Nev._ Ay, a divinity! + +_Vapid._ And then to lose her! + +_Nev._ [_Rising._] 'Sdeath!--don't torment me!--my griefs are already +beyond bearing. + +_Vapid._ It will do--he's as unhappy as I could wish. + +_Peter._ I can hold no longer--sir! + +_Vapid._ Hush!--you d--d dog, you'll ruin the catastrophe. + +_Peter._ I don't care--I'll tell him every thing--sir!--Mr Neville! + +_Vapid._ You villain!--Do you ever go to a play?--did you ever sit in +the gallery? + +_Peter._ Yes, sir, sometimes. + +_Vapid._ Then know this is all for your good----you'll applaud it some +day or other, you dog--curse it, won't he have happiness enough bye and +bye?---What--you are going abroad, Neville? + +_Nev._ Yes, for ever.--Farewell, Vapid. + +_Vapid._ Farewell, Neville--good night----Now for the effect!--Miss +Courtney is in the next room. + +_Nev._ What! + +_Vapid._ Miss Courtney is in the next room. + +_Nev._ Louisa! is it possible? + +_Vapid._ There's light and shade!--Yes, your brother brought her here, +and she expects him to return every moment. + +_Nev._ My brother! then 'tis he means to marry her--nay, perhaps they +are already married--Heavens! I shall go wild! + +_Vapid._ Don't, don't go wild--that will ruin the denouement. + +_Nev._ No matter--I am resolved--I'll bid her farewell for ever--Vapid, +'tis the last favour I shall ask of you--give her this, [_A Letter._] +and tell her, since I have resented Willoughby's attack on her honour, I +think I may be allowed to vindicate my own; tell her, great as have been +my faults, my truth has still been greater, and wherever I wander-- + +_Vapid._ Here's a flourish, now!--why you misunderstand--she is not +married, nor going to be married. + +_Nev._ Come, this is no time for raillery. + +_Vapid._ Raillery!--why, I'm serious--serious as the fifth act--she is +now weeping on your account. + +_Nev._ Pr'ythee leave fooling, it will produce no effect, believe me. + +_Vapid._ Won't it? it will produce a very great effect though, believe +me. Zounds! go to her--preserve the unity of action,--marry her +directly, and if the catastrophe does not conclude with spirit, damn my +comedy--damn my comedy--that's all, damn my comedy. + +_Nev._ 'Would to Heaven you were in earnest! + +_Vapid._ Earnest! why there it is now! the women, dear creatures, are +always ready enough to produce effect--but the men are so curst +undramatic.--Go to her, I tell you, go to her. + [_Exit NEVILLE.--VAPID stands aside._ + + _Enter LORD SCRATCH and FLORIVILLE._ + +_Lord._ That curst dramatic maniac,--if I see him again---- + +_Flor._ My dear uncle, consent to Harry's marriage, and depend on it he +shall trouble you no more. + +_Lord._ I tell you again, sir, I will not. + +_Flor._ Will you give any hopes of future consent? + +_Lord._ By the word of a peer, I will not. + + [_VAPID, coming forward, touching LORD SCRATCH on the + Shoulder, and writing in common-place book._ + +_Vapid._ Master Brook, let me persuade you. + +_Lord._ Flames and firebrands, the fiend again! + +_Vapid._ Give consent, and I'll give Neville a fortune--he shall have +the entire profit of the different plays in which I intend to have the +honour of introducing yourself and the old Lady Hurlothrumbo. + +_Lord._ Oh, that I was not a peer! if I was any thing else--but, thank +Heaven, Louisa is more averse to the match than myself. + +_Vapid._ Is she? + +_Lord._ Yes, she knows his falsehood, and despises him. + +_Vapid._ What, you are confident of it? + +_Lord._ Out of my way, sir,--I'll not answer you,--I'll go take her to +town directly.--Out of my way, sir. + +_Vapid._ Stop--you're wrong, Master Brook--she's in that room. + +_Lord._ Where?--behind me? + +_Vapid._ Yes--there--there! [_Pointing._] Now for it!--what an effect! + + [_LORD S. opens the Glass Doors, and discovers NEVILLE + kneeling to LOUISA. MARIANNE with them._ + +_Vapid._ There, Peter! there's catastrophe!--Shakspeare's invention +nothing!--Applaud it, you dog--clap, clap, Peter, clap! + +_Lord._ What are you at, you impudent rascal?--get out of the room. + [_Exit PETER._ + +_Vapid._ I should set this down--I may forget. + +_Mari._ Lord! he has a very bad memory,--I hope he won't forget our +marriage. + +_Nev._ Oh! Louisa, what am I to think? + +_Louisa._ That I have wronged thee, Neville! [_Embracing._ + +_Flor._ My dear Harry, let this be my apology for not having seen you +before. [_Giving him a Paper._] Miss Courtney, ten thousand joys;--could +I have found my brother, you should have seen him sooner. + +_Nev._ Why, here is a deed of gift of half your estate! + +_Flor._ I know it, but say nothing. When you gave me money, five years +ago, did I say any thing?--no, I forgot it as soon as it was over; and +should never have recollected, at this moment, but for my lord's +inhumanity.--Uncle, I thank you,--you have made me the happiest man +alive. + +_Lord._ Don't perplex me;--what a compound of folly and generosity! + +_Mari._ Uncle-in-law, what are your feelings on this occasion?--as my +aunt says. + +_Lord._ Feelings!--I never knew a peer had any. + +_Mari._ Didn't you? + +_Lord._ No; but now I find the contrary: I begin to think I've a heart +like other men. It's better to atone for an error, than persist in +one--therefore give me that deed, Neville----there, sir, [_Giving it to +FLORIVILLE._] do you think nobody has estates but yourself?--Louisa and +her fortune are your own, Neville; and after my death, you shall have +all mine:--and now there's a cursed burden off my mind. + +_Mari._ Now, you're a dear creature! and I won't marry,--that's what I +won't, without consulting you. + +_Lord._ You marry! why, who should you marry?--And pray, how came you +here? + +_Mari._ A gentleman run away with me;--he is now in the room. + +_Lord._ In the room! what, Floriville? + +_Mari._ No, behind you. [_Pointing to VAPID, who is writing at a Table._ + +_Lord._ Ghosts and spectres! my evil genius! + +_Mari._ Come, my dear, haven't you almost finished? [_VAPID rises._ + +_Vapid._ Yes, the denouement is complete, and now, Mrs Vapid, I resign +myself to love and you. + +_Mari._ Come, give consent, my lord,--my husband will get money, though +I have none. + +_Lord._ None!--I dare say he can tell you, you will have twelve thousand +pounds in less than a year. + +_Vapid._ That's a new incident! + +_Mari._ Shall I? then 'faith, Mr Vapid, we'll build a theatre of our +own! you shall write plays, and I'll act them. + + _Enter ENNUI._ + +_Ennui._ I've an idea--I give you joy, Neville.--I mean to kill time, by +living single; and, therefore, I hope, the lady and the borough may be +yours. + +_Mari._ Mr Ennui, I hope you'll forgive me, and Sir Harry Hustle, the +fatigue we occasioned you? + +_Ennui._ Yaw, aw--don't mention it.--The very recollection makes me +faint.--In fact--my lord, I just met one of Lady Waitfor't's servants, +who tells me she has left Bath in a rage. + +_Flor._ I am afraid she has escaped too easily. + +_Lord._ Oh, never think of her! I can answer for her punishment being +adequate to her crimes--Willoughby has told me all her schemes,--and if +ever I hear her name again, may I lose my peerage, and dress like a +gentleman. + +_Ennui._ My lord--I've an idea-- + +_Vapid._ Sir, I beg your pardon; but really, if you have an idea, I will +trouble you to spare it me for my comedy. + +_Ennui._ In fact--I don't comprehend. I have read your "die-all" +epilogue, and-- + +_Vapid._ Oh, then I don't wonder at your having ideas! + +_Lord._ Oh, poor fellow! he's always talking about what he never +has.--Neville, my boy, may you be as happy as I am. + +_Flor._ Ay, I'll answer for his happiness by my own.--Miss Courtney, +notwithstanding my brother, I will "still live in your eye,--die in your +lap--and be buried in your heart:" and, moreover, I will stay with you +both in England. + +_Louisa._ Yes, Floriville, if you would behold pure, unsullied love, +never travel out of this country. Depend on't, + + No foreign climes such high examples prove, + Of wedded pleasure, or connubial love. + Long in this land have joys domestic grown, + Nursed in the cottage--cherish'd on the throne. + + +THE END. + + + + +ORIGINAL OCTAVO EDITIONS OF PLAYS, &c. +PRINTED FOR +LONGMAN, HURST, REES, ORME, AND BROWN. + + +BY GEORGE COLMAN, THE YOUNGER. + +The Mountaineers, 2s 6d +Inkle and Yarico, 2s 6d +Poor Gentleman, 2s 6d +Who wants a Guinea? 2s 6d +John Bull, a Comedy, 2s 6d +Ways and Means, 2s + + +BY RICHARD CUMBERLAND, ESQ. + +The Jew, a Comedy, 2s 6d +West Indian, 2s 6d. +Wheel of Fortune, 2s 6d +First Love, a Comedy, 2s 6d +False Impressions, 2s 6d +Mysterious Husband, 2s 6d + + +BY THOMAS DIBDIN, ESQ. + +School for Prejudice, 2s 6d +Il Bondocani; or, the Caliph Robber, 1s 6d +St David's Day, 1s 6d +The Birth Day, a Comedy, from Kotzebue, 2s +The Jew and the Doctor, a Farce, 1s 6d +The Cabinet, 2s 6d +The English Fleet, in 1342; an Historical Comic Opera, 2s 6d +The Will for the Deed, a Comedy, 2s +Family Quarrels, 2s 6d + + +BY MRS INCHBALD. + +Lovers' Vows, a Play, 2s 6d +Every one has his Fault, a Comedy, 2s 6d +To Marry, or not to Marry, a Comedy, 2s 6d +Wives as they Were, 2s 6d +Such Things are, 2s 6d +Child of Nature, 2s +Wedding Day, a Comedy, in two Acts, 1s 6d + + +REVISED BY J. P. KEMBLE, ESQ. + +Shakspeare's Othello, Moor of Venice, now first printed as it is acted + at the Theatre Royal, Covent Garden, 8vo. 2s 6d +Shakspeare's King John, do. 2s +Shakspeare's Henry VIII. do. 2s + + +BY THOMAS MORTON, ESQ. + +Speed the Plough, 2s 6d +Zorinski, a Play, 2s 6d +The Way to get Married, 2s 6d +A Cure for the Heart Ache, a Comedy, 2s 6d +Secrets worth Knowing, a Comedy, 2s 6d +The School of Reform; or How to Rule a Husband, a Comedy, 2s 6d + + +BY JOHN O'KEEFFE, ESQ. + +Lie of the Day, a Comedy, 2s +Highland Reel, 1s 6d +The Farmer, an Opera, 1s 6d +Modern Antiques, a Farce, 1s 6d +Love in a Camp; or, Patrick in Prussia, 1s 6d +The Positive Man, 1s 6d +The Poor Soldier, 1s 6d +Wild Oats, a Comedy, 2s 6d +The Castle of Andalusia, an Opera, 2s 6d +Sprigs of Laurel, 1s 6d +Prisoner at Large, 1s 6d + + +BY FREDERICK REYNOLDS, ESQ. + +The Delinquent, 2s 6d +The Will, a Comedy, 2s 6d +Folly as it flies, 2s 6d +Life, a Comedy, 2s 6d +Management, a Comedy, 2s 6d +Laugh when you can, 2s 6d +The Dramatist, 2s 6d +Notoriety, a Comedy, 2s 6d +How to grow Rich, 2s 6d +The Rage, a Comedy, 2s 6d +Speculation, a Comedy, 2s 6d +The Blind Bargain, 2s 6d +Fortune's Fool, 2s 6d +Werter, a Tragedy, 2s + + * * * * * + +The Honey Moon, a Comedy, by John Tobin, 2s 6d +The Duenna, a Comic Opera, by Mr Sheridan, 2s 6d +The Heiress, a Comedy, by General Burgoyne, 2s 6d +The Road to Ruin, a Comedy, by Mr Holcroft, 2s 6d +Deserted Daughter, a Comedy, by ditto, 2s 6d +The Belle's Stratagem, a Comedy, by Mrs Cowley, 2s 6d +Which is the Man? a Comedy, by do. 2s 6d +England Preserved, a Tragedy, by Mr Watson, 2s 6d +The Bank Note, a Comedy, by Mr Macready, 2s 6d +The Votary of Wealth, a Comedy, by Mr Holman, 2s 6d +Ramah Droog; or, Wine does Wonders, by J. Cobb, Esq. 2s 6d +Mary, Queen of Scots, a Tragedy, by Hon. Mr St John, 2s 6d +The Stranger, a Play, as performed at Drury Lane, 2s 6d +The Maid of Bristol, a Play, by Mr Boaden, 2s +Raising the Wind, a Farce, by Mr Kenney, 1s 6d +Too many Cooks, by ditto, 1s 6d +Matrimony, a Petit Opera, by ditto, 1s 6d +The Point of Honour, a Play, by Mr C. Kemble, 2s +What is She? a Comedy, 2s 6d +Wife in the Right, a Comedy, by Mrs Griffith, 2s 6d +Julia; or, the Italian Lover, a Tragedy, by Mr Jephson, 2s 6d +Clementina, a Tragedy, by Kelly, 2s 6d +Doctor and Apothecary, a Farce, 1s 6d +Smugglers, a Farce, 1s 6d +First Floor, a Farce, 1s 6d +Tit for Tat, a Farce, 1s 6d +Sulian, a Farce, 1s 6d +Match for a Widow, an Opera, 1s 6d +Turnpike Gate, a Farce, by Knight, 1s 6d +Soldier's Return, a Farce, 1s 6d +Hartford Bridge, a Farce, by Mr Pearce, 1s 6d +The Midnight Wanderers, an Opera, by ditto, 1s 6d +Netley Abbey, an Opera, by ditto, 1s 6d +Arrived at Portsmouth, a Farce, by ditto, ls 6d +The Mysteries of the Castle, by Mr Andrews, 2s 6d +The Irishman in London, a Farce, by Mr Macready, 1s 6d +Lock and Key, a Farce, by Mr Hoare, 1s 6d +Marian, an Opera, by Mrs Brookes, 1s 6d + + + + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's note: + +The following typographical errors present in the original edition +have been corrected. + +In Act I, Scene I, a missing question mark was added after "Has he not a +share of vanity in his composition". + +In Act IV, Scene I, "_Willoughby._" was added before the lines beginning +"'Tis past the hour" and "Ha! gone,--I am sorry for it". + +In Act IV, Scene II, "_Peter._" was added before the line beginning +"Vapid presents his compliments"; the line "Here's something wanting, +sir.", which was originally formatted as a stage direction, has been +reformatted as dialogue; a missing quotation mark was inserted before +the words "Die all" in the line "in the middle of my composition?--Die +all, die nobly"; and missing brackets were added before the stage +directions beginning "As he is going to sign" and the final "Exeunt". + +In Act V, Scene II, "_Vapid._" was added before the line beginning +"Here's a situation!" + +In the advertisements, a missing comma was added after "West Indian". + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE DRAMATIST; OR STOP HIM WHO +CAN!*** + + +******* This file should be named 31374.txt or 31374.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/1/3/7/31374 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://www.gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: +http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + |