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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158,
+June 9, 1920, by Various, Edited by Sir Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, June 9, 1920
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: January 29, 2010  [eBook #31119]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 158, JUNE 9, 1920***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 31119-h.htm or 31119-h.zip:
+      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/31119/31119-h/31119-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/31119/31119-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOLUME 158, Jan-Jul 1920
+
+JUNE 9, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+Owing to heavy storms the other day one thousand London telephones
+were thrown out of order. Very few subscribers noticed the difference.
+
+* * *
+
+A camera capable of photographing the most rapid moving objects in the
+world is the latest invention of an American. There is some talk of
+his trying to photograph a bricklayer whizzing along at his work.
+
+* * *
+
+"Perjury is now rampant in all our Courts and there seems to be no
+way of preventing it," declares a well-known judge. Surely if they did
+away with the oath this grievance would soon disappear.
+
+* * *
+
+"With goodwill on both sides," said Lord ROTHSCHILD recently, "the
+Jews will make a success of colonising their own country." There will
+have to be assets as well as goodwill, it is thought, if they are to
+be made to feel thoroughly at home.
+
+* * *
+
+Mr. GEORGE BEER, the man who built the first glass houses in this
+country, has died at Worthing. The man who threw the first stone
+from inside has not yet been identified, but suspicion points to Sir
+FREDERICK BANBURY.
+
+* * *
+
+When the police order you to move on, said the Thames magistrate,
+it is better to go in the long run. Others declare that it is quite
+sufficient to melt from view at a businesslike waddle.
+
+* * *
+
+"The only way to get houses," says the Marylebone magistrate, "is to
+build them." The idea of knitting a few seems to have been overlooked.
+
+* * *
+
+We understand that the Scotsman who was injured in the rush outside
+the post-office on the last night of the three-halfpenny postage, is
+now able to get about with the help of a stick.
+
+* * *
+
+New motor vehicles to take the place of the "Black Marias" are
+now being used between Brixton Gaol and Bow Street. Customers who
+contemplate arrest should book early to avoid the congestion.
+
+* * *
+
+Signor MARCONI has failed to get into touch with Mars. At the same
+time we are asked to deny the rumour that communication has been
+established between Lord NORTHCLIFFE and the PREMIER.
+
+* * *
+
+"Comedians," says a stage paper, "are born, not made." This disposes
+of the impression that too many of them do it on purpose.
+
+* * *
+
+[Illustration: _Flapper._ "OH--AND I WANT SOME PEROXIDE. ER--IT'S FOR
+CLEANING HAIRBRUSHES, ISN'T IT?"]
+
+* * *
+
+It has been established in the Court of Appeal that the farther north
+you go the larger are people's feet. Surprise has been expressed at
+the comparatively small number of Metropolitan policemen who hail from
+Spitzbergen.
+
+* * *
+
+SYDNEY RICHARDSON, the London messenger-boy who went to America for
+Mr. DAREWSKI, has just returned. It is said that one American wanted
+to keep him as a souvenir and offered him a job as a paper-weight for
+his desk.
+
+* * *
+
+The Trafalgar Hotel, Greenwich, famous of old for its whitebait
+dinners, has been turned into a Trades Union Club. The report that the
+Parliamentary Labour Party has decided to preserve the traditions
+of the place by holding an annual red herring supper there is not
+confirmed.
+
+* * *
+
+A certain brass band in Hertfordshire now practises in the evening on
+the flat roof of a large factory. We understand that the Union of Cat
+Musicians are taking a serious view of the matter.
+
+* * *
+
+A vagrant was before the magistrate last week, charged with tearing
+his clothes and destroying all the buttons on them whilst in a
+workhouse ward. It is not known at what laundry he served his
+apprenticeship.
+
+* * *
+
+After announcing that the fox which had been causing severe losses to
+poultry had at last been killed a local paper admits that the wanton
+destruction of fowls is still going on. It is thought that another fox
+of the same name was killed in error.
+
+* * *
+
+"The Irish will take nothing that we can offer them," says a
+Government official. Outside of that they seem to take pretty much
+what they want.
+
+* * *
+
+We think that the attention of the N.S.P.C.C. should be drawn to the
+fact that several stall-holders on the beach of a popular seaside town
+are offering ices at twopence each, or twelve for one-and-six.
+
+* * *
+
+A man was charged at the South Western Police Court with throwing a
+sandwich at a waiter. Very thoughtless. He might have broken it.
+
+* * *
+
+A new instrument for measuring whiskey is announced. The last
+whiskey we ordered seemed to have been squirted into the glass with a
+hypodermic syringe.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Bull-dog Breed.
+
+"H. Prew, b Staples, c L. Mitchell, c Ryland, b Rajendrasinhji,
+17."--_Daily Paper._
+
+The gallant fellow doesn't seem to have known when he was beaten.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wanted, thoroughly capable Woman, to take management of
+    canteen; one with knowledge of ambulance work preferred."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+A "wet" canteen, presumably.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE."
+
+    ["A Skilled Labourer," writing to _The Times_, speaks of "the
+    extremists" among the working classes as "cherishing a belief
+    that the intelligence of educated persons is declining."]
+
+  Doubtless, my Masters, you are right
+  As to the lore which they delight
+    To teach at Cambridge College;
+  Contented with a classic tone,
+  Those useful arts we left alone
+  By which we might have held our own
+    Against the Newer Knowledge.
+
+  Even if I could still retain
+  The ethics which my early brain
+    Imbibed from ARISTOTLE,
+  It would not serve me much to speak
+  His views on virtue (in the Greek)
+  When buying table claret (weak)
+    At ten-and-six the bottle.
+
+  Or when my tailor claims his loot
+  Of twenty guineas for a suit
+    Of rude continuations,
+  I must remain his hopeless thrall,
+  Nor would it move his heart at all
+  Could I from JUVENAL recall
+    Some apposite quotations.
+
+  If I engaged a working-man
+  To mend a leaky pot or pan
+    Or else a pipe that's porous,
+  He would not modify his fees
+  For hours and hours of vacant ease
+  Though out of ARISTOPHANES
+    I said a funny chorus.
+
+  I am a failure, it appears;
+  I cannot cope with profiteers
+    Nor with enlightened Labour;
+  Too late I see, on looking back,
+  Where lies the blame for what I lack;
+  Why was I never taught the knack
+    Of beggaring my neighbour?
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CONNOISSEUR'S APPRECIATION.
+
+SHARP RISE OF GREAT BRITAIN IN THE ESTIMATION OF U.S.A.
+
+The first-class carriage was empty. I threw my coat into a corner
+and settled myself in the seat opposite. Just as the train started to
+move, the door was flung open and a tall lean body hurled itself
+into the compartment and dropped on my coat. He was followed
+instantaneously by a leather bag which crashed on to the floor.
+
+"Say, these cars pull out pretty slick."
+
+My intelligence at once conjectured that this was an American, one of
+the thousands who have lately taken advantage of the exchange to spy
+out the nakedness of our land.
+
+I must admit that I understand American only with great difficulty. I
+try to guess the meaning of each sentence from the unimportant words
+which I can interpret. I surmised somehow that his speech referred to
+the bag on the floor.
+
+So I answered, civilly enough, "I hope your bag is undamaged. Excuse
+me, I will relieve you of my coat." So saying, I pulled it from
+beneath him and with a single movement flung it on the rack over my
+own head.
+
+The stranger spoke again after some moments. He appeared to have spent
+the interval in repeating my words to himself, as though to grasp
+their meaning. Yet, heaven knows, I speak plainly enough.
+
+This time he said, "Guess my grip's O.K. But I ain't plunkin' my bucks
+on the guy that says the old country's in the sweet and peaceful."
+
+After this most extraordinary and unintelligible communication he
+began to feel his pockets and his person all over, as though searching
+for something. I felt myself at liberty to resume my study of _The
+Spectator_.
+
+However, I was not to be left alone. Again he addressed me. "Guess I
+gotta hand it to you."
+
+"I beg your pardon," I observed, lowering my paper.
+
+"You've got 'em all whipped blocks," he went on, his absurd smile
+still persisting. "You're a cracker jack, you're a smart aleck. You've
+done to me what the fire did to the furnishing shack. You've dealt me
+one in the spaghetti joint. Oh, I gotta hand it to you."
+
+I could understand little of the words, but I gathered from his manner
+that he was congratulating me on something in the extravagant but
+interesting fashion of the North-American tribes.
+
+"You sure put the monkey-wrench on me," he continued. "You make me
+feel like I couldn't operate a pea-nut stand. I'm the rube from the
+back-blocks, sure thing. I ain't going to holler any--not me. I'm real
+pleased to get acquainted. Shake."
+
+I took his hand with as little self-consciousness as possible, not
+yet having been able to understand what praiseworthy act I had
+accomplished. I must admit none the less that I felt vaguely pleased
+at his encomiums.
+
+"There was a guy way back in Nevada used to have a style like yours.
+They called him Happy Cloud Sim, and he had a hand like a ham.
+See that grip? Well, Sir, Sim 'ud come right in here, lay his hand
+somewheres about, and that grip 'ud vanish into the sweet eternal. You
+could search the hull of the cars from caboose to fire-box and nary
+a grip. He was an artist. Poor Sim, he overreached himself in Albany,
+trying to attach a cash-register. The blame thing started ringing a
+bell and shedding tickets all along the sidewalk. The sleuths just
+paper-chased him through the burg. He was easy meat for the calaboose
+that Fall."
+
+I was at a loss to understand the relevance of this extremely
+improbable narrative. It did not appear, on the face of it,
+complimentary to connect me with a declared thief and gaol-bird. Still
+it was my duty to be courteous to one who was for the time a national
+guest.
+
+"A most interesting story," I remarked, "and one which has the further
+advantage of conveying a moral lesson."
+
+"But you got Sim beat ten blocks," he resumed. "The way you threw your
+top-coat up made Sim look like a last year's made-over. I never set
+eyes on a dry-goods clerk as could fix a package slicker. I'll have a
+lil something to tell the home town."
+
+He looked out of the window. "Guess this is Harrow," he remarked, "and
+we're pulling into the deepo. I may as well have my wad back."
+
+So saying he put his hand into the folds of the coat over my head and
+withdrew a roll of notes fastened with a rubber band. This roll he
+then stuffed into his hip-pocket. I began to see the meaning of his
+insinuations.
+
+"If you think," said I indignantly, "that I saw you drop your notes
+and deliberately rolled them up in the coat----"
+
+"Nix on that stuff," he retorted jovially. "I know them dollar-bills;
+they kinder skin theirselves off the wad and when you come to pay the
+bartender they've hit the trail and you stand lonesome with a bitter
+taste in your mouth, like LOT's wife."
+
+The train stopped; the man stepped out with the unnecessary haste of
+his kind.
+
+"Well, I'm pleased to have met you," he concluded, still smiling
+amiably through the window; "if ever you strike Rapid City, Wis.,
+you'll find me rustling wood somewheres near the saloon. I'd like to
+have got better acquainted, but I promised the folks I'd stop off here
+and get wise as to how boys is raised in your country. They sure grow
+up fine men. I reckon we 're way behind the times in Rapid City----"
+
+The train passed out leaving me speechless with indignation.
+
+It took me some moments to recover my normal balance. Then I confess
+I was delighted to notice that the fellow, in his enthusiasm over the
+alleged lightness of my fingers, had left his precious "grip" behind
+him.
+
+It travelled with me to my destination. I hope it is still travelling.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MORE HASTE, LESS MEAT.
+
+_The Calf_ (_to the Butcher of the Exchequer_). "OH, SIR, IT SEEMS
+SUCH A PITY TO KILL ME. YOU'D GET SO MUCH MORE OFF ME LATER ON."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHEN EXPERTS DIFFER.
+
+_Junior Partner_ (_in syndicate whose operations on the 2.30 race--six
+furlongs--have gone wrong_). "THERE--DIDN'T I TELL YER DIAMOND'S PRIDE
+WAS A FIVE-FURLONG 'ORSE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON APPROVAL.
+
+John looked up from his paper.
+
+"Ah!" he sighed loudly, "how the world progresses."
+
+There was silence. John sighed again.
+
+"How the world progresses," he said a shade louder.
+
+Cecilia and I continued reading.
+
+"Can't _anyone_ ask a question?" asked John peevishly.
+
+"Where do the flies go in the winter-time?" murmured Cecilia without
+looking up.
+
+I was weak enough to laugh. For some reason it annoyed John.
+
+"Go on, go on, laugh!" he spluttered; "you're a good pair, you and
+your sister. Say something else funny, Cecilia, and make little
+brother laugh. What a crowd to have married into! Shrieks of laughter
+at every feeble joke, but as for intelligent conversation----"
+
+"Well, we're reading," said Cecilia; "we don't want intelligent
+conversation."
+
+"There's no need to tell me that. I know it only too well. I haven't
+been married to you for all these years without seeing that."
+
+"'All these years,'" repeated Cecilia, aghast. "The vindictive brute."
+
+
+"And," continued John bitterly, "I say again what I said just now: How
+the world progresses."
+
+"Well, there's no need to keep on saying it, dear old cauliflower," I
+said; "we _know_ it progresses. What are we expected to say?"
+
+"I know," said Cecilia brightly. "_Why?_"
+
+John pulled himself up.
+
+"Because," he said, "they are proposing in the paper here to start a
+system of temporary marriages which can be dissolved if either party
+is dissatisfied after a fair trial. I only wish somebody had thought
+of it--how many?--eight years ago."
+
+Cecilia's jaw dropped. I chuckled.
+
+"You certainly bought that one all right, Cecilia old dear," I said.
+"Can't you manage a witty retort? Try, sister, for the honour of the
+family."
+
+Cecilia pulled herself together.
+
+"Retort?" she said in surprise. "Why on earth a retort, my dear Alan?
+When my husband makes his first really sensible remark for years I
+don't retort, I applaud. If only I had known the sort of man he is
+before I tied myself to him for life! What an actor he would have
+made! Why, before we married----"
+
+"'Nothing was too good for you,'" I encouraged. "Go on, Cecilia."
+
+"Don't interrupt, Alan--nothing was too good for me. Afterwards----"
+
+"Last year's blouses and a yearly trip to the Zoo. Shame!" I said.
+
+"And what about me?" said John. "Haven't I been deceived? Didn't
+you all conspire to make me think she was sweet and good? I remember
+somebody telling me I was a lucky man. I realise now you were all only
+too glad to get rid of her."
+
+"Alan! How can you let him?" said Cecilia with a small scream of rage.
+
+"Come, come," I said, "this family wrangling has gone far enough. You
+_are_ married and you can't get out of it. Make the best of it, my
+children, and be friends."
+
+"Yes," said John sadly, "it is too late now. I must try to bear up;
+but it is hard. If only this scheme had been started a few years
+earlier. If only I could have taken her on approval."
+
+He paused a moment and smiled softly.
+
+"Imagine the scene," he resumed. "'Cecilia,' I should say, 'I have
+given you every chance, but I am afraid you don't suit. For eight long
+years I have suffered from your rotten cooking, your ... extravagance
+... and so on ... _et cætera_ ... and I regret that I must give you
+a month's notice, to take effect as from four o'clock this afternoon.
+You have good qualities. You are honest and temperate and, to some
+extent, not bad looking--in the evening, anyway. Your idea of keeping
+household accounts is atrocious, but, on the other hand, you look
+rather nice in a hammock on a hot summer day. But that is all I can
+say for you. You have not given me the wifely devotion I expected.
+Only last week, when I came home feeling miserable, you sat at the
+piano playing extracts from some beastly revue, when a true wife would
+have been singing "Parted" or even "Roses of Picardy." Again, you
+invariably put our child in front of me in all things, such as the
+last piece of cake or having an egg for tea. I am not jealous of the
+boy, mind you, but I hate favouritism, and I won't play second fiddle
+to Christopher or anyone else.
+
+"'In fact, my dear Cecilia (I use the phrase in its formal sense
+only), not being satisfied that you do all that was promised in the
+advertisement, I have decided to return you without further liability
+and ask for a refund of the cost of carriage. That will be all, thank
+you. You may go.'"
+
+There was a few moments' ominous quiet, and then Cecilia went over the
+top with a roar of artillery and the rattle of machine guns. John put
+up a defensive barrage. Cecilia raked him with bombs and Lewis guns.
+He replied with heavy stuff. The air grew thicker and thicker.
+
+"Shush!" I shouted through the din of battle. "Man and wife to wrangle
+like this! Think of your good name. Think of the servants. Think of
+the child."
+
+Cecilia caught the last phrase and the noise subsided.
+
+"Yes," she said, breathless but calm, "there's the hitch in your
+plans, Master John--the child. If I go I take Christopher with me."
+
+"That you don't. Christopher belongs to me. He is part of my
+estate--in law. You _can't_ take him."
+
+"Can't I?" said Cecilia. "Am I his mother or am I not?"
+
+"Who pays his school-fees?" said John. "What's his name? Whose house
+does he live in?"
+
+Cecilia was gathering herself for another offensive when the door
+opened and Christopher came in.
+
+We looked at him and he paused in embarrassment.
+
+"What are you all looking at me for?" he asked, smiling uneasily; "I
+haven't done anything."
+
+"He belongs to _me_," said Cecilia suddenly.
+
+"He belongs to _me_," said John with decision.
+
+Christopher knows his parents fairly well. "Whatever are you doing?"
+he asked with a chuckle.
+
+"Come here," said John.
+
+Christopher advanced and stood between his mother and his father.
+
+"I don't know what I'm inspected to do," he said.
+
+"Christopher," said John, "to whom do you belong--to your mother or to
+me? Think well, my child."
+
+Christopher wrinkled his nose obediently and thought for a moment.
+
+"Why," he said, his face clearing, "we all b'long to each other."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"'The Heart of a Child,'" I said; "the beautifullest love-story ever
+told. Featuring Little Randolph, the Boy Wonder."
+
+They took no notice. They were all three busy rehearsing the final
+reconciliation scene.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Wife._ "MUST WE ALWAYS 'AVE CHAMPAGNE, 'ARRY? IT
+DON'T REELY SUIT ME."
+
+_The Profiteer._ "OF COURSE WE MUST. THEY MIGHT THINK WE COULDN'T
+AFFORD IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Erudite Contemporaries.
+
+From a special golf correspondent:--
+
+    "I cannot remember the Latin for a daisy, but most
+    emphatically 'Delanda est.'"
+
+_Daily Paper._
+
+O Carthego!
+
+    "'Pol-u-me-tis.' The Greek brings back the thundrous verse of
+    Virgil. Echoes from the twilight of the gods."--_Daily Paper._
+
+Poor old Götterdämmerung.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Sex-Problem.
+
+    "White Milking Shorthorn Bull for Sale, £50."--_Farmers'
+    Gazette._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A Good Canvasser wanted for Credit Gentlemen's wear; ready to
+    wear and made to measure clothing."--_Daily Paper._
+
+"One," in fact, "that was made a shape for his clothes, and, if ADAM
+had not fallen, had lived to no purpose."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To-morrow afternoon, the Dansant, 3 p.m. to 6 p.m. Tickets
+    inclusive 3s. 6d. Dansant (only) 2s. 6d."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+The "the" seems cheap at a shilling.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ART OF POETRY.
+
+II.
+
+In this lecture I propose to explain how comic poetry is written.
+
+Comic poetry, as I think I pointed out in my last lecture, is much
+more difficult than serious poetry, because there are all sorts of
+rules. In serious poetry there are practically no rules, and what
+rules there are may be shattered with impunity as soon as they become
+at all inconvenient. Rhyme, for instance. A well-known Irish poet once
+wrote a poem which ran like this:
+
+    "Hands, do as you're bid,
+  Draw the balloon of the mind
+  That bellies and sags in the wind
+    Into its narrow shed."
+
+This was printed in a serious paper; but if the poet had sent it up
+to a humorous paper (as he might well have done) the Editor would have
+said, "Do you pronounce it _shid_?", and the poet would have had
+no answer. You see, he started out, as serious poets do, with every
+intention of organising a good rhyme for _bid_--or perhaps for
+_shed_--but he found this was more difficult than he expected. And
+then, no doubt, somebody drove all his cattle on to his croquet-lawn,
+or somebody else's croquet-lawn, and he abandoned the struggle.
+I shouldn't complain of that; what I do complain of is the
+_deceitfulness_ of the whole thing. If a man can't find a better rhyme
+than _shed_ for a simple word like _bid_, let him give up the idea of
+having a rhyme at all; let him write--
+
+  Hands, do as you're TOLD,
+
+or
+
+  Into its narrow HUT (or even HANGAR).
+
+That at least would be an honest confession of failure. But to write
+_bid_ and _shed_ is simply a sinister attempt to gain credit for
+writing a rhymed poem _without doing it at all_.
+
+Well, that kind of thing is not allowed in comic poetry. When I opened
+my well-known military epic, "Riddles of the King," with the couplet,
+
+  Full dress (with decorations) will be worn
+  When General Officers are shot at dawn,
+
+the Editor wrote cuttingly in the margin, "Do you say _dorn_?"
+
+The correct answer would have been, of course, "Well, as a matter of
+fact I do;" but you cannot make answers of that kind to Editors; they
+don't understand it. And that brings you to the real drawback of comic
+poetry; it means constant truck with Editors. But I must not be
+drawn into a discussion about them. In a special lecture--two special
+lectures---- Quite.
+
+The lowest form of comic poetry is, of course, the Limerick; but it is
+a mistake to suppose that it is the easiest. It is more difficult to
+finish a Limerick than to finish anything in the world. You see, in a
+Limerick you cannot begin:--
+
+  There was an old man of West _Ham_
+
+and go on
+
+  Who formed an original _plan_,
+
+finishing the last line with _limb_ or _hen_ or _bun_. A serious
+writer could do that with impunity, and indeed with praise, but the
+more exacting traditions of Limerical composition insist that, having
+fixed on _Ham_ as the end of the first line, you must find two other
+rhymes to _Ham_, and good rhymes too. This is why there is so large
+a body of uncompleted Limericks. For many years I have been trying to
+finish the following unfinished masterpiece:--
+
+  There was a young man who said "_Hell!_
+  I don't think I feel very well----"
+
+That was composed on the Gallipoli Peninsula; in fact it was composed
+under fire; indeed I remember now that we were going over the top at
+the time. But in the quiet days of Peace I can get no further with it.
+It only shows how much easier it is to begin a Limerick than to end
+it.
+
+Apart from the subtle phrasing of the second line this poem is
+noteworthy because it is cast in the classic form. All the best
+Limericks are about a young man, or else an old one, who said some
+short sharp monosyllable in the first line. For example:--
+
+  There was a young man who said "_If_----
+
+Now what are the rhymes to _if_? Looking up my _Rhyming Dictionary_ I
+see they are:--
+
+  cliff
+  hieroglyph
+  hippogriff
+  skiff
+  sniff
+  stiff
+  tiff
+  whiff
+
+Of these one may reject _hippogriff_ at once, as it is in the wrong
+metre. _Hieroglyph_ is attractive, and we might do worse than:--
+
+  There was a young man who said "If
+  One murdered a hieroglyph----"
+
+Having, however, no very clear idea of the nature of a hieroglyph I
+am afraid that this will also join the long list of unfinished
+masterpieces. Personally I should incline to something of this kind:--
+
+  There was a young man who said "If
+  I threw myself over a cliff
+      I do not believe
+      _One_ person would grieve----"
+
+Now the last line is going to be very difficult. The tragic
+loneliness, the utter disillusion of this young man is so vividly
+outlined in the first part of the poem that to avoid an anticlimax
+a really powerful last line is required. _But there are no powerful
+rhymes._ A serious poet, of course, could finish up with _death_
+or _faith_, or some powerful word like that. But we are limited to
+_skiff_, _sniff_, _tiff_ and _whiff_. And what can you do with those?
+Students, I hope, will see what they can do. My own tentative solution
+is printed, by arrangement with the Editor, on another page (458). I
+do not pretend that it is perfect; in fact it seems to me to strike
+rather a vulgar note. At the same time it is copyright, and must not
+be set to music in the U.S.A.
+
+I have left little time for comic poetry other than Limericks, but
+most of the above profound observations are equally applicable to
+both, except that in the case of the former it is usual to think of
+the _last_ line first. Having done that you think of some good rhymes
+to the last line and hang them up in mid-air, so to speak. Then you
+think of something to say which will fit on to those rhymes. It is
+just like Limericks, only you start at the other end; indeed it is
+much easier than Limericks, though, I am glad to say, nobody believes
+this. If they did it would be even harder to get money out of Editors
+than it is already.
+
+We will now write a comic poem about Spring Cleaning. We will have
+verses of six lines, five ten-syllable lines and one six-syllable. As
+a last line for the first verse I suggest
+
+  Where have they put my hat?
+
+We now require two rhymes to _hat_. In the present context _flat_ will
+obviously be one, and _cat_ or _drat_ will be another. Our resources
+at present are therefore as follows:--
+
+  Line 1-- ----
+  "  2-- ... flat.
+  "  3-- ----
+  "  4-- ... cat or drat.
+  "  5-- ----
+  "  6--Where have they put my hat?
+
+As for the blank lines, _wife_ is certain to come in sooner or later,
+and we had better put that down, supported by _life_ ("What a life!"),
+and _knife_ or _strife_. There are no other rhymes, except _rife_,
+which is a useless word.
+
+We now hold another parade:--
+
+  Terumti--umti--umti--umti--wife,
+    Terumti--umti--umti--umti--flat;
+  Teroodle--oodle--oodle--What a life!
+    Terumti--oodle--umti--oodle--cat (or drat);
+  Teroodle--umti--oodle--umti--knife (or strife);
+    Where have they put my hat?
+
+All that remains now is to fill in the umti-oodles, and I can't be
+bothered to do that. There is nothing in it.
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Will any gentleman requiring a House-keeper accept two
+    decently brought up boys, age 12 and 8 years? Excellent cook
+    and housekeeper; capable of full control."
+
+    _Daily Paper._
+
+Someone really ought to give these young sportsmen a trial.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES.
+
+THE DOMESTIC SERVANT SHORTAGE.
+
+HOW THE MISSES MARJORIBANKS DE VERE (WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF A
+PERRUQUIER) UPHOLD THE DIGNITY OF HER LADYSHIP THEIR MAMA'S AFTERNOON
+"AT HOMES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_The Visitor._ "BUT YOU SPOIL THE PLACE BY HAVING THE PUBLIC
+INCINERATOR ON THAT HILL OVER THERE."
+
+_The Town Clerk._ "PARDON ME, SIR--THAT IS _MY_ IDEA. IT COMPLETES
+THE RESEMBLANCE TO THE BAY OF NAPLES, WHICH WE INSIST ON IN ALL OUR
+ADVERTISEMENTS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LOQUACIOUS INSTINCT.
+
+Don't you ever know the impulse, when you are idly turning the pages
+of a telephone directory, to ring up some total stranger and engage
+him in light conversation?
+
+I do, quite intensely. In moments of ennui, when there is really
+nothing to do in the office, the fear of discovery alone restrains me.
+I'm not sure that I can rely on the professional secrecy of the girl
+at the exchange. Has she strength of mind to refuse a righteously
+indignant subscriber who demands to know (with imprecations) what
+number has been talking to him?
+
+I could take her into my confidence, I suppose. Only the thing
+oughtn't to be elaborately premeditated; it should be sudden and
+spontaneous, the matter of a happy moment. You get your number and
+say:--
+
+"Hullo! Is that Barefoot and Humpage, the architects? Can I speak to
+Mr. Barefoot--or Mr. Humpage?"
+
+"Mr. Humpage speaking. Who is that, please?"
+
+"Well, I want you to design me a cathedral. By to-morrow afternoon, if
+poss--"
+
+"To design you a what?"
+
+"A cathedral. C-A-T-H---- but I expect you heard me that time. A
+massive structure, you know, chiefly built of stone. As at Salisbury,
+and Ely, and--well, probably you'll know what I mean. Now, as to
+details----"
+
+"Who are you?"
+
+"I? Oh, I'm a collector of these buildings in a small way. But about
+this one we're discussing. Something in the pre-Raphaelite manner, do
+you think--with arpeggios dotted about here and there?"
+
+Of course I don't know what Mr. Humpage would say at this point.
+Therein would lie the fascination of these experiments--to discover
+just what different people would say at that kind of point.
+
+Take Mr. Absalom, for instance, who is described in the Directory as a
+commission agent. How would he express himself, I wonder, if I were
+to ring him up and request him to dispose, on the most advantageous
+terms, of my commission in the Army?
+
+Messrs. Wheable Brothers too. Just the people I've been looking for.
+
+"You're the sand and gravel contractors, aren't you?" I should begin,
+"Well, I know of some sand that badly wants contracting."
+
+"I beg your pardon?"
+
+"Perhaps I had better explain. You see, I always spend my holidays
+at Pipton-on-Sea. This year, in fact, I'm going there in two or three
+weeks' time. Earlier holidays--a splendid movement, what? See railway
+posters. In June the average snowfall is only---- But the point is
+that at Pipton there's a belt of about two miles of sand, even at
+high-tide--several hundred yards, anyhow--and it _does_ spoil the
+bathing so. Now if you could arrange to have this sand contracted to
+half or a third of its present width? Perhaps you'll quote me terms.
+Thank you so much."
+
+Then there's the Steam Packet Company at a neighbouring port. One
+might ask them to supply half-a-dozen small packets of steam for the
+ungumming of envelope-flaps.
+
+I find also in the Directory two or three gentlemen with the surname
+of "George." I could profess to be an earnest Liberal opponent of
+the PRIME MINISTER, accustomed to refer to him by that disrespectful
+abbreviation:--
+
+"Oh, is that Mr. George? Well, Sir, I wanted to have a word with you
+on your handling of the European situation. Now, it's surely obvious
+that the Jugo-Slavs--"
+
+It seems possible that your victim now and then might enter into the
+spirit of the thing and do his best to make the dialogue a success.
+Contrariwise, if you were seeking violent excitements, you would ask a
+retired admiral, let us say, his opinion on the question "Do flappers
+put their hair up too soon?" or some such urgent problem of the day.
+How jolly these promiscuous exercises in conversation might be!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_Biddy_ (_recovering a spoon the morning after the party_). "SURE, ONE
+AV THE GUESTS MUST HAVE HAD A HOLE IN HIS POCKUT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE NEW POLICEMAN.
+
+    ["Increased remuneration is attracting to the force a
+    more intellectual and better class of recruit.... Police
+    administration here is now organised in a more humanitarian
+    spirit than formerly, and a policeman is as much encouraged
+    to prevent the necessity of an arrest as to effect an
+    arrest."--_Sir WILLIAM GENTLE (retiring chief of the Brighton
+    Police Force, unofficially known as "Sir William Gentle's
+    Gentlemen"), interviewed by "The Daily Sketch._"]
+
+  O Robert, in our hours of crime
+  Certain to nab us every time,
+  Or, failing, fill a dungeon cell
+  With someone who does just as well;
+
+  Now you're a gentleman in blue
+  Provided with a princely screw,
+  More is expected of you still;
+  You must _prevent_ us doing ill.
+
+  No longer is it deemed enough
+  To slip the hand within the "cuff,"
+  To trap road-hogs and motor-bikes,
+  Or merely to arrest _Bill Sikes_.
+
+  Thus, when you take position at
+  The window of an empty flat,
+  And _Bill_ arrives to burgle it,
+  Urge him his evil ways to quit;
+
+  Or, posted in a public bar,
+  Where men drink too much beer by far,
+  Before them you might firmly put
+  The arguments of PUSSYFOOT;
+
+  Or, summoned to a scene of strife,
+  Persuade the fellow with the knife
+  By means of tactful reasoning
+  That murder is not quite the thing.
+
+  The world would profit if you took
+  A leaf from out the Parson's book,
+  Becoming a judicious blend
+  Of "guide, philosopher and friend."
+
+  Discard your truncheon for a tract;
+  Strive to admonish ere you act;
+  In Virtue's force enrol recruits
+  And stamp out Belial with your boots.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ITEMS FROM ANYWHERE.
+
+(_After the model of most of the dailies, by our specially unreliable
+news service._)
+
+It is reported that, owing to the present high price of labour, a
+German Zeppelin is to be loaned to the Government to carry out the
+demolition of the nineteen unnecessary City churches.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Arrested on a charge of loitering with felonious intent, Thomas Wrott,
+aged forty, of Featherleigh, Beds, stated that he was building a
+house.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Though the titles of all the pictures in a recent Vorticist exhibition
+were placed by a printer's error opposite to the wrong numbers in the
+catalogue, none of the visitors discovered the mistake.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Strike action is threatened in Manchester by the Amalgamated Society
+of Tyldesleys, several Lancashire wickets having been taken by
+non-union labour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is reported that Lord FISHER was recently traversing _The Times_
+with a belt of Biblical sentences when a cross-feed occurred, causing
+the action to jam.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A silver salver is to be presented to the Royal Automobile Club in
+token of gratitude by octogenarian villagers of Sussex.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Experienced Cook-General Wanted; comfortable home; liberal
+    outings; wages £40; policeman handy."--_Welsh Paper._
+
+Would it not have been more tactful to say, "Copper in kitchen"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_Disgusted Plutocrat_ (_to partner, who has just missed a fifty-pound
+putt_). "COULDN'T YOU SEE THAT SLOPE AFTER I POINTED IT OUT TO YOU?"
+
+_Partner._ "AFTER YOU'D DONE WAVING THOSE DIAMONDS ABOUT I COULDN'T
+SEE ANYTHING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR REMEMBRANCE.
+
+  In stone perdurable and bronze austere
+    We have bequeathed the memory of the dead
+    Unto the yet unborn; "'their name,'" we said,
+    "'Liveth for evermore'; each happier year
+  Shall see, we trust, before the unmossed stone
+        Love and Remembrance wed."
+
+  Though from dim hosts that narrow and recede
+    Dear unforgotten eyes salute us still,
+    Look back a moment, make our pulses thrill
+  With the old music, though the festal weed
+  Of Spring be cypress-girt, oblivion
+        Will come, as Winter will.
+
+  Ah, not oblivion drowsing love and pain
+    Into dull slumber; still we can retell
+    How young blithe valour broke the powers of hell;
+  We grope for hands that will not stir again
+  In ours, hear still in every carillon
+        The cadence of Farewell.
+
+  Not these things and not thus do we forget;
+    But the informing spirit, the dream within
+    And the high ardour that was half-akin
+  To ancient faiths and half to hopes not yet
+  Coherent, unperceived are surely gone,
+        Like stars that dawnward set.
+
+  Though "their name liveth," the dream they died to bring
+    Unto fruition eludes our fumbling hold;
+    The Othman riders gallop to their old
+  Red revels, and the seas are darkening
+  Round all the Asian shores, while one by one
+        Depart the sweets of Spring.
+
+  O you whom yet we mourn, for whom the song
+    Of victory and sorrow dies not away,
+    Well is it with you if beyond the grey
+  Islands of sleep that you are met among
+  No world-born memories win. May there be none!
+        We have not remembered long.
+
+  Yet if beyond the sunset's golden choir,
+    Instead of one august enduring sleep,
+    There waits a life where memory shall keep
+  Her ancient force and hope her old desire,
+  Now, even now, on altars cleft and prone
+        Rekindle the pure fire!
+
+  D. M. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SCOUNDREL AND MAN OF LETTERS.
+
+    One of the Prizewinners in Our Article Competition."--_Weekly
+    Paper._
+
+But ought an editor to give away his contributors like this?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "M. Deves, the leading French amateur [tennis] of the day, who
+    was beaten in 1914 after 'une tutte à charné,' as the French
+    say, will be competing."--_Daily Paper._
+
+The French have a lot to learn about their own language.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Dr. ---- will extract a tooth free from the person who
+    will be kind enough to secure him an office in the Central
+    district."
+
+    _North China Daily News._
+
+This is presumably meant as an inducement, but it sounds like a
+threat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE GREAT IMPROVISER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Tuesday, June 1st._--Tempted by the fine weather a good many Members
+had evidently determined that the country was good enough for them
+and that Westminster could wait. But Viscount CURZON was not of
+their number. Was it not on the glorious First of June, a hundred
+and twenty-six years ago, that his great-great-great-grandfather won
+victory for his country and immortal fame for himself? On such
+an anniversary he was obviously bound, no matter at what personal
+inconvenience, to show a like public spirit. Accordingly, with a full
+sense of responsibility, he addressed to the appropriate Minister this
+momentous question: "Whether any fried fish shops are now the property
+or under the control of the Ministry of Munitions; and if so how
+many?" The House paused in awed anticipation of the reply, but
+breathed again when Mr. HOPE announced that "No fried fish shops are
+now nor, so far as is known, were ever conducted by the Ministry of
+Munitions."
+
+No other episode of Question-time rose to this high level. Next in
+importance to it were Mr. BALDWIN'S revelations on the subject of
+"conscience-money." It seems that in one particular instance it
+cost the Treasury eleven shillings to acknowledge the receipt of
+half-a-sovereign; but that was because the dilatory tax-payer insisted
+that the depth of his remorse could only be adequately exhibited by a
+notice in the "agony-column." In ordinary cases no charge is incurred.
+
+Any conscientious Sinn Feiner who may have been fearing lest the
+recent destruction of Inland Revenue offices in Ireland should prevent
+the authorities from sending out the usual demand-notes, may now
+forward his contribution direct to the Treasury without hesitation.
+Mr. BALDWIN is doubtless relying upon the wide adoption of this
+practice, for he stated that, although the damage might cause delay in
+the collection, it was not expected that the ultimate yield of the tax
+would be seriously affected.
+
+[Illustration: _From left to right:_--The Whirlpool of Charybdis; THE
+FIRST LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY; The Rock of Scylla (SIR EDWARD CARSON).]
+
+The discussion on the Navy Estimates was chiefly conducted by
+Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY, who made half-a-dozen set speeches,
+besides any number of informal interjections. To place them in order
+of merit would be impossible, but of single passages that which
+perhaps carried most conviction with his audience was the description
+of the pre-war Navy as "a sort of pleasant service into which the
+fools of the family could be put."
+
+In the discussion on the Navy Estimates Rear-Admiral Sir REGINALD
+HALL, resisting a proposal to hand over the coastguards to the
+Board of Trade, surprised the House with the apparently reactionary
+statement that "we do not want to run the Navy in water-tight
+compartments."
+
+Commander BELLAIRS, enforcing the point that administration
+must depend upon policy, recalled the fact that in his time "the
+Mediterranean outlook" had given way to "the North Sea outlook," and
+expressed the confident belief that we should next have "the Pacific
+outlook." Well, let us hope we may. At any rate the House agreed with
+the FIRST LORD that the best way to ensure it was to keep the Navy
+strong and efficient, for by half-past eight it had passed all the
+Votes submitted to it.
+
+_Wednesday, June 2nd._--Derby Day and an adjournment of the House of
+Commons! Mr. BALFOUR might well rub his eyes and wonder if there had
+been a revival of the Saturnian days when Lord ELCHO used annually to
+mount his favourite hobby and witch the House with noble horsemanship.
+But on this occasion the adjournment lasted only half-an-hour, and
+had nothing to do with Epsom. Chivalry, not sport, was its motive.
+The House merely wished to do honour to its Leader by assisting at the
+presentation of its wedding gift to Miss BONAR LAW (now Lady SYKES).
+
+At Question-time Lord CURZON sought information regarding the British
+Naval Mission recently captured at Baku, and inquired whether the
+Government intended to continue negotiating with people who were
+keeping our men in prison. Sir JAMES CRAIG could not say anything on
+the question of policy, but to some extent relieved the anxiety of
+the House by stating that the last news of the prisoners was that they
+were seen playing football.
+
+The complications of the Peace Settlement continue to increase. Thus
+President WILSON has consented to delimit the boundaries of Armenia,
+although the United States shows no desire to undertake the mandate
+for its administration. No doubt it is with the kindly intention of
+helping those dilatory Americans to make up their minds that Turkey
+has asked for an extension of time before signing the Treaty.
+
+The placid progress of the Government of Ireland Bill through
+Committee was broken this afternoon when Captain COLIN COOTE proposed
+to hand over the control of the armed forces of the Crown in Ireland
+to the new Parliaments. His argument was in brief that these bodies
+must be given serious responsibilities which would compel them to
+unite. He wanted, as he said, to "infuse blood into their veins" at
+whatever risk--_COOTE que coûte._
+
+The idea of providing a probably Sinn Fein Parliament in Dublin with
+submarines and aeroplanes did not appeal to the FIRST LORD OF THE
+ADMIRALTY, who was hotly rebuked for his lack of imagination by
+Captain ELLIOT. The fact that two young Coalitionists should have
+advocated such revolutionary ideas inspired another of Sir EDWARD
+CARSON'S gloomy variations on the theme that any form of Home Rule
+must lead ultimately to separation.
+
+_Thursday, June 3rd._--Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD, who took his seat on
+Tuesday, answered Irish questions for the first time. His manner was
+as direct and forceful as ever, but his matter, unhappily, consisted
+chiefly in the admission of unpleasant facts regarding recent attacks
+upon the police, with the invariable addition that "no arrests have
+been made."
+
+[Illustration: THE CHIEF SECRETARY FOR IRELAND. "No arrests have been
+made."]
+
+The hon. baronet who sits for Nottingham is so much impressed with the
+necessity for economy that he ought to be known as _Rees angustæ_. But
+he has no luck. Mr. FISHER offered the "frozen face" to his complaints
+that the State is giving free education at the Ministries to
+ex-Service men; and Mr. SHORTT was no more sympathetic to his plea
+that the new policewomen should be abolished.
+
+Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, looking delightfully cool in a new grey suit, made
+a welcome reappearance after some weeks' absence. He gave a version
+of the KRASSIN negotiations--which, according to his account, had
+followed exactly the course marked out by the Supreme Council in Paris
+and San Remo--very different from that presented in a section of the
+Press, and he implied that the alleged perturbation of French public
+opinion only existed in the imagination of "certain newspapers
+which are trying to foment ill-feeling between two countries whose
+friendliness is essential to the welfare of the world." His most
+satisfactory pronouncement was that British prisoners must be released
+before trade with Russia would be resumed.
+
+In spite of the absence of the regular Opposition the FIRST LORD
+OF THE ADMIRALTY is finding the Government of Ireland Bill a rather
+unhandy vessel to steer. He dares not concede too many powers to the
+new Parliaments lest he should be putting weapons into the hands
+of our Sinn Fein enemies; on the other hand, he cannot reduce them
+overmuch lest the Bill should cease to have any chance of conciliating
+Irish sentiment.
+
+The dilemma arose acutely over the clause relating to the Irish
+police. When, if ever, should they be handed over to the new
+Government? The Bill said not later than three years after the
+appointed day. An amendment suggested "not earlier." Sir EDWARD CARSON
+thought the only fair thing would be to allow the police to retire on
+full pay directly the Bill came into force, instead of leaving them
+with a divided allegiance and control. Eventually, on the Government
+undertaking to modify their proposals, the clause was passed; but with
+so many matters to be adjusted on Report it looks as if it will be a
+LONG, LONG way to Tipperary.
+
+[Illustration: "OH, EAST IS EAST."
+
+_Mechanical Transport Officer._ "I TOLD YOU NOT TO DRIVE FAST THROUGH
+THE BAZAAR."
+
+_Lorry Driver._ "BUT, SAHIB, THESE BE ONLY VERY IGNORANT PEOPLES. ME
+MOTA DRIVER! IF DRIVE SLOW, THESE PEOPLES THINK ME COMMON PERSON."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PERCE MURGATROYD, MASTER BRICKLAYER.
+
+BY ONE WHO KNEW HIM.
+
+By the untimely death of the late Mr. Percival Murgatroyd we suffer
+the irreplaceable loss of our youngest and perhaps most talented
+master bricklayer. The story of his life is yet another example of
+genius triumphing over adversity. Perce Murgatroyd was born in a
+mean street. His father was a poor hardworking physician. Lacking the
+influence necessary for the introduction of his boy to some lucrative
+commercial calling he contrived at great self-sacrifice to educate him
+for the Civil Service.
+
+The long hours of grinding toil and the complete lack of sympathy at
+home could not extinguish the divine fire of genius in the youthful
+Murgatroyd. Exhausted and hungry as he often was at the end of the
+day's work, he devoted his leisure to the study of bricks and mortar,
+and out of his scanty pocket-money he bought for himself first a
+trowel and later a plummet.
+
+When I first made his acquaintance he was already, at the age of
+twenty-five, assisting a bricklayer's helper, and was fairly launched
+on a career of unbroken success which was to culminate in a master
+bricklayership at the record age of thirty-eight.
+
+Some of the finest things Murgatroyd did are to be found in and around
+Tooting, a quarter which is becoming known as Murgatroyd's London; but
+there is scarcely a district which does not cherish some gem from
+his trowel. At Wanstead Flats, during some reparations to "Edelweiss
+Cottage," there was discovered under the plaster a party-wall which
+proved to be a genuine Murgatroyd. It is one of his early works,
+executed with his studied reserve of power, and is marred only by
+suggestions of the conventional haste of the early Georgian School,
+from which Murgatroyd had not in those days completely broken away.
+It is also worth while to make a pilgrimage to Walham Green, where all
+that is best and most typical of the Master--that effect he obtained
+of deliberate treatment of each individual brick--may be seen in a
+perfect little poem--an outhouse (unfinished).
+
+The fame of Perce Murgatroyd is founded on the quality rather than
+the quantity of his output. To our eternal loss he suffered from a
+temperament. He worked only by fits and starts. He never overcame a
+superstition that "Monday was a bad day for good work." And he was too
+conscientious an artist to attempt anything on days when the sky was
+overcast and the light bad. Often too, when he had actually made a
+start, he would stand, smoking furiously, in front of his work waiting
+for an inspiration.
+
+This habit of his was the primary cause of his premature end. Emerging
+from some such fit of abstraction he became aware that it was
+after twelve. Convivial spirit that he was, he hurried to join his
+colleagues at their dinner, displaying remarkable agility as he
+descended the scaffold. But the effort caused him to perspire, and he
+took a chill, from which he never recovered.
+
+The keynote of Murgatroyd's character was simplicity. Unaided he rose
+to be pre-eminent as a bricklayer, but in private life he never became
+accustomed to the exclusive society to which by his genius he had won
+admittance. He never quite lost the mincing speech of the class from
+which he sprang, nor could he acquire facility in the vigorous mode
+of expression proper to his new and exalted station. "Not 'arf"
+and "'Strewf" ever came haltingly to his tongue, and to the last he
+struggled painfully with the double negative.
+
+But the same indomitable courage which brought him to the top of his
+profession eventually served him in his adopted social sphere, and in
+the end he won through.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_Gwendoline._ "'E AIN'T AGOIN' TO GET UP FOR NO BUN. 'E'D 'AVE SUCH AN
+ORFUL LOT OF UP TO GET."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BRAIN WAVE.
+
+I hope William likes it, for he brought it on himself. As soon as the
+sad event was announced to me I discussed the matter most seriously
+with Araminta. "A situation of unparalleled gravity has arisen,"
+I said, "with regard to the wedding of William. It is going to be
+carried out at Whittlehampton in top-hats. Picture to yourself the
+scene. Waterloo Station full of lithe young athletes of either sex
+arrayed for sports on flood and field, carrying their golf-clubs,
+their diabolo spools and their butterfly nets, and there, in the midst
+of them, me with my miserable coat-tails, the June sun glaring on
+my burnished topper, and in my hands the silver asparagus-server or
+whatever it is that I am going to buy for William. I tell you it isn't
+done. They will come round and mock me. They will titter at me through
+their tennis-racquets."
+
+"Couldn't you wear a common or Homburg hat and carry your other in a
+hat-box?" she suggested in that bright helpful way they have.
+
+"Amongst the severe economic consequences of the recent great war,"
+I replied coldly, "was, if you will take the trouble to remember, the
+total loss of my top-hat box."
+
+"Well, why not a white cardboard box, then?"
+
+"No power on earth shall induce me to stand on Waterloo Station
+platform dandling a white cardboard box," I cried. "Waterloo indeed!
+It would be my Austerlitz, my Jena. I should never dare to read the
+works of 'Man about Town' again. Besides, what about my morning-coat?"
+
+"Well, I could pin the tails of it up inside if you like. Or what
+about wearing an overcoat?"
+
+"Your first suggestion makes me despair of women's future position in
+the economic sphere. The second I would consider if I could settle the
+hat problem."
+
+And still thinking hard I rang up William.
+
+"I suppose you couldn't possibly cancel this wedding of yours?" I
+asked when I had explained the _impasse_. Self-centred as usual, he
+flatly declined.
+
+"Honestly, I don't see the difficulty at all," he went on. "I expect
+you'll look a bit of a mug anyhow, and probably there'll be lots of
+people on the platform dressed in morning-coats and top-hats."
+
+"Nobody leaves London on a Saturday morning wearing top-hats," I
+assured him, "nobody. If I were coming _in_ to London it would be
+quite a different matter. I might be an officer in the Guards, or
+M. KRASSIN proceeding to a deputation in Downing Street; but going
+out--no. Look here, why not make it a simple country wedding--sports
+coats and hayseed in the hair, and all that sort of thing?"
+
+"Spats and white vest-slips will be worn by all the more prominent
+guests," he replied firmly.
+
+"Well, hang it, have the thing in London, then," I implored, "and
+I'll promise to add the price of the return-fare to the cost of your
+wedding present."
+
+"The bride's parents reside at Whittlehampton, and the wedding will
+take place from the home of the bride," he answered.
+
+"You got that little bit out of _The Morning Post_," I said. "Couldn't
+you persuade the bride's parents to take a house in London? There's
+one just opposite us at only about thirty pounds a week. Stands in its
+own grounds, it does, and there's a stag's head in the hall. There's
+nothing like a stag's head for hanging top-hats on."
+
+It was no good. You know what these young lovers are. Immersed in
+their own petty affairs, they can pay no proper attention to the
+troubles of their friends.
+
+William rang off and left me once more a prey to harrowing despair.
+There were only three nights before the calamity took place, and I had
+terrible nightmares on two of them. In one I attended the wedding in
+a bowler hat and pyjamas, with carpet slippers and spats. In the other
+my top-hat was on my head and my vest-slip was all right, but I tailed
+off into khaki breeches and trench boots. On the third day a gleam of
+light broke and I rang up William again.
+
+"I haven't quite settled that little hat problem I was talking to you
+about," I told him. "Look here--can you lend me your old top-hat-box?"
+
+"Haven't got one," he replied. "In the chaos consequent upon
+Armageddon it somehow disappeared."
+
+I breathed a sigh of relief.
+
+Happily the morning of the wedding was cloudy and dull. I wore my
+oldest squash hat and coat and went to Whittlehampton carrying my
+present in my hand. As the train arrived the sun broke through the
+clouds, and I also emerged from my chrysalis and attended the ceremony
+in all the panoply that William's egotism had demanded. If it had
+not been too late to get into the list you would have seen this entry
+amongst the wedding gifts:--
+
+"Mr. Herbert Robinson: Leather hat-box."
+
+Perhaps if it had been a very full list it would have gone on:--
+
+"Containing unique specimen of dappled fawn trilby headwear slightly
+moth-eaten in the crown."
+
+As I explained to William, it is customary to give useful rather than
+ornamental gifts nowadays, but I could not refrain from adding a small
+sentimental tribute.
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WESTERN LIGHTHOUSES.
+
+      Flashed Lizard to Bishop,
+      "They're rounding the fish up
+  Close under my cliffs where the cormorants nest;
+      The lugger lamps glitter
+      In hundreds and litter
+  The sea-floor like spangles. What news from the West?"
+
+      Flashed he of the mitre,
+      "The night's growing brighter,
+  There's mist over Annet, but all's clear at sea;
+      Lit up like a city,
+      Her band playing pretty,
+  A big liner's passing. Ay, all's well with me."
+
+      Flashed Wolf to Round Island,
+      "Oh, you upon dry land,
+  With wild rabbits cropping the pinks at your base,
+      You lubber, you oughter
+      Stand watch in salt water
+  With tides tearing at you and spray in your face."
+
+      The gun of the Longships
+      Boomed out like a gong, "Ships
+  Are bleating around me like sheep gone astray;
+      There's fog in my channel
+      As thick as grey flannel--
+  Boom-rumble!--I'm busy; excuse me, I pray."
+
+      They winked at each other
+      As brother to brother,
+  Those red lights and white lights, the summer night through,
+      And steered the stray tramps out
+      Till dawn snuffed their lamps out
+  And stained the sea-meadows all purple and blue.
+
+  PATLANDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Advertiser has Stole Skin, Russian Sables, for Sale."--_Daily
+    Paper._
+
+This is what comes of opening up trade relations with the Bolshevists.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A provincial firm announces that it supplies "distinctive clothing for
+men." And a very necessary thing, too, in these days of sex equality.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "EX-SOLDIER requires Loan of £100. What interest? No
+    lenders."--_Daily Paper._
+
+We should have thought "No interest! What lenders?" would have been
+more to the point.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SQUIRE.]
+
+[Illustration: ALMSHOUSE INMATE, LATE SQUIRE.]
+
+[Illustration: SECOND UNDER TWEENY AT THE HALL. (_See Squire_).]
+
+[Illustration: PLOUGHMAN HOMEWARD PLODDING HIS WEARY WAY.]
+
+[Illustration: VILLAGE SHOP PROPRIETOR.]
+
+[Illustration: OLDEST INHABITANT.]
+
+[Illustration: PARSON.]
+
+[Illustration: BIRD SCARER (D.S.O., M.C.).]
+
+[Among the Americans who will visit us this summer there may be some
+not familiar with our countryside types. Mr. Punch hopes the above
+will be useful.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_The Ex-Plunger._ "CHUCK 'ORSES, MY SON--THEY'LL BE THE RUIN OF YER. I
+LORST A FORTUNE ON THE DURBY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO PACIFY IRELAND.
+
+(_By a Student of anti-Coalition Political Psycho-Analysis._)
+
+The announcement that a child of ten years old, recently described
+by the Willesden magistrate as "a remarkable example of a child
+kleptomaniac," has been handed over to an eminent specialist
+in psycho-pathology, has not yet received the attention that it
+undoubtedly demands. It is true that, in the beautifully alliterative
+phrase of one of our contemporaries, "with the exception of a penchant
+for petty peculations" the young offender "has always been a model
+girl, industrious and truthful," thus justifying the belief of the
+eminent specialist, that he could "wipe out the original sin" in her.
+But the child is mother to the woman, and those of us who have been
+gradually and conscientiously convinced of the total inadequacy of
+the Government's policy towards Ireland, cannot but recognise in this
+experiment an example which might be profitably followed in dealing
+with what--with all due deference to Hibernian susceptibilities--we
+are reluctantly driven to call the irregular conduct of certain
+sections of Irish society.
+
+With the exception of a penchant for petty pin-pricks at the expense
+of the police, Ireland's behaviour has been exemplary in its industry
+and humanity. So averse were a large number of her sons from the
+employment of violence in any form that they refused to participate
+in warlike operations against the enemy that threatened our common
+Empire. So magnanimous was their charity that they found it impossible
+to credit the harsh and unchristian allegations levelled at the
+KAISER and his countrymen. But it could hardly be expected that so
+high-spirited and energetic a race could indefinitely pursue a
+course of inaction. The relentless logic which has always been a
+distinguishing feature of the Celt has impelled them, since the
+cessation of formal hostilities, to express their disapproval of a war
+waged in their interests by indulging in demonstrations--if so harsh a
+term may be permitted--directed against the _régime_ which has secured
+them immunity from invasion, devastation and conscription, and at the
+same time afforded them exceptional opportunities for amassing wealth.
+
+It must be reluctantly admitted that some of these ebullitions
+have bordered closely on what we may be forgiven for describing as
+indecorum. But the motive was undoubtedly a generous instinct
+of self-assertion. Ever since the days of CAIN, the first great
+self-expressionist, there have always been richly-organised natures to
+whom even fratricide is preferable to the dull routine of agricultural
+life.
+
+None the less it is at least arguable that an indefinite extension
+and expansion of the conduct now prevalent in the Sister Isle might be
+fraught with consequences not altogether conducive to the longevity
+of the minority. And while sad experience has proved the futility of
+legislative panaceas there still remain the fruitful possibilities
+inherent in an application of the principles of psycho-pathological
+treatment based on the discoveries of FREUD. For our own part we are
+convinced that herein lies the only solution of Ireland's discontent.
+
+Therefore let the Government at once withdraw all troops and munitions
+of war from Ireland, disband the R.I.C. and invite the leaders of
+the Sinn Fein movement and of the I.R.B. to submit to a course
+of psychiatric treatment conducted by an international board of
+specialists, from which all representatives of the belligerent Powers
+should be excluded, with possibly the exception of America. It seems
+incredible that such an offer should be refused. If it is we can
+only patiently acquiesce in the optimistic view of the famous Celtic
+chronicler, GIRALDUS CAMBRENSIS, that Ireland will be ultimately
+pacified just before the Day of Judgment--_vix paulo ante diem
+judicii_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ART OF POETRY.
+
+SOLUTION TO PROBLEM ON PAGE 446.
+
+"It comes of my having a sniff."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR VILLAGE FIRE BRIGADE.
+
+_Amateur Engineer_ (_who has burst the boiler and shouted to the
+driver to stop_). "GET OUT THE HOSE QUICK! THE ENGINE'S AFIRE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+From what is known of the tastes of Sir IAN HAMILTON it might have
+been supposed that he wrote his _Gallipoli Diary_ (ARNOLD) lest his
+pen-hand should lose its cunning while wielding the sword. Indeed
+he tells us of a rumour among his officers "that I spend my time
+composing poetry, especially during our battles." But that he did not
+write for the sake of writing must be clear to anyone who reads the
+book, even if the author had not declared his motive in the preface.
+Here he admits that, though "soldiers think of nothing so little
+as failure," it was in fact the thought of possible failure that
+determined him, at the very start, to prepare from day to day his
+defence. Perhaps this is not quite the attitude of one who stakes
+all upon the great chance. In another significant passage of
+self-revelation he tells us how, on a tour of inspection in Egypt,
+he met RUPERT BROOKE, "the most distinguished of the Georgians." "He
+looked extraordinarily handsome ... stretched out there on the sand,
+with the only world that counts at his feet." Whether in ordinary
+times the world of art is or is not the "only world that counts,"
+I cannot say, but I am certain that to a soldier entrusted with
+an enterprise of so great moment the only world that should have
+"counted" at that hour was the world of war. If the chapter which
+describes the failure that followed the landing in Suvla Bay exposes
+the incapacity of some of his officers to inspire their men with that
+little more energy which would have ensured a great victory, it seems
+also to expose a certain want of compelling personality in the High
+Command. But of the military questions here raised I make no pretence
+to judge, and in any case judgment has been passed on them already.
+The interest of the diary lies in its appeal as a human document.
+It is the _apologia_ of a man who, for all his criticism, often
+apparently justified, of the authorities at home (there are passages
+which he must surely have suppressed if Lord KITCHNER had still been
+living), sets down scarce a word in malice and but few in bitterness
+of spirit; who appreciates at its high worth the devotion and
+gallantry of his officers and men; who, whatever qualities he may have
+lacked for his difficult task, reveals himself as loyal at heart and
+generous by nature.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Miss RUTH HOLT BOUCICAULT (a name with a double theatrical
+association) has written, in _The Rose of Jericho_ (PUTNAM), a novel
+of American stage life which I should suppose comes as near to being
+a true picture as such stories can. She derives her title from
+the convenient habit of the desert rose of detaching itself from
+uncongenial or exhausted soil, subsiding into a compact mass and
+travelling before the wind to more profitable surroundings. It will be
+admitted that the author has at least hit upon a picturesque metaphor
+for a touring company, which on this analogy becomes a very garden of
+(Jericho) roses. Actually, however, she no doubt intended it to apply
+more to the disposition of her heroine, and in particular to her power
+of transferring her young affections, flower, leaf and root, from one
+object to another, with undiminished enthusiasm. _Sheelah's_
+capacity for being off with the old and on with the new is almost
+preternatural; her progress from stage-child to leading lady is
+accompanied by such various essays in unconventional domesticity that
+the reader may well experience a sense of confusion, or at least feel
+some difficulty in sustaining the first freshness of his sympathy. The
+story is at times almost startlingly American, as when the original
+betrayer of the heroine is excused on the ground that, being English,
+his morality would naturally not rise to native level (I swear I'm not
+laughing--see page 168); and so full of the idiom of the Transatlantic
+stage as to be a perfect _vade mecum_ for visiting mimes from this
+side. For the rest, vivacious, wildly sentimental and obviously
+written from first-hand experience.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+By calling her _Potterism_ (COLLINS) "a tragi-farcical tract" Miss
+ROSE MACAULAY disarms our criticism that she conducts too heavy a
+discussion from too light a platform. I don't think the author of
+_What Not_ is likely to write anything dull, anything I shan't be
+pleased to read. She has a keen eye, a candid soul, a sharp-pointed
+pen. She is deliciously modern. And she dislikes _Potterism_, which
+is sentimental lack of precision in thought. It is much more (or much
+less) than this, but I get the definition by inverting a phrase of her
+dedication. _Potter_, by the way, or _Lord Pinkerton_, as he is now,
+owns a series of newspapers "not so good as _The Times_ nor so bad
+as _The Weekly Dispatch_" (guileless piece of camouflage this!), and
+_Mrs. Potter_ ("_Leila Yorke_") is a novelist who might have written
+_The Rosary_. Two of the young _Potters, Jane_ and _Johnny_, though
+they both when up at Oxford joined the _Anti-Potter League_, do not
+thereby escape being Potterites. They cling to materialistic _Potter_
+values. Whereas an aristocratic clergyman, a woman scientist, a
+Jew journalist (this last an admirable study) do in varying degrees
+contrive to avoid the deadly infection. This tract needed writing. I
+have a feeling that it could be better done and by ROSE MACAULAY.
+But it makes excellent reading as it is.... The pachyderm will wince,
+shake himself and be left grinning.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. ARNOLD PALMER derives the title of _My Profitable Friends_ (SELWYN
+AND BLOUNT) from a verse, new to me, in which the poet, apparently
+when launching her wares, concludes,
+
+  "But who has pain has songs to sell;
+  My Profitable Friends, farewell!"
+
+which I take to be the pleasantest way in the world of calling them
+pot-boilers. But whether they were so intended or not, there can be no
+question of the very agreeable dexterity that Mr. PALMER brings to the
+composition of his tales. Save for a few experiments (which I should
+call the least successful in the collection) his formula is not the
+episodical "slice of life," with crumbly edges. His choice is for the
+well-made, with usually some ingenious little twist at the finish,
+and (so to speak) a neatly tied bow to end all. As an instance of this
+kind I commend to your notice the admirably shaped little yarn called
+"Two-penn'orth." Mr. PALMER has a pretty wit (perhaps here and there
+a trifle thin), shown nowhere to better advantage than in "A Picked
+Eleven," one of the most entertaining, and at the same time
+human, short stories that I have ever read. Further, his tales are
+essentially of the friendly order, and the public will be in fault if
+they do not also prove profitable, since we have none too many writers
+capable of getting such deft results with the same economy of means.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In most stories constructed on the _Enoch Arden_ principle one of the
+husbands or wives (whichever it may be of whom there are too many) is
+usually a very nasty person. Miss SOPHIE COLE, in _The Cypress Tree_
+(MILLS AND BOON), makes all three of her entangled characters quite
+attractive; in fact, though I fear she would not wish me to say so, I
+really liked the unsuccessful competitor better than the winner. Books
+made up of the little homely things which might happen to anybody
+and distinguished by their pleasant atmosphere have been Miss COLE's
+speciality in the past; this time she has, without abating a jot of
+her pleasantness, added a touch of the occult in the shape of an old
+black-letter volume which infects everyone who gets possession of
+it with a mildly insane determination to keep it. An honourable man
+steals it and a nice woman smacks her baby for holding it, so you can
+see how really baleful its influence must have been when you consider
+that they were both Miss COLE'S characters. A very little of the
+occult will excuse a good deal of improbability, and the small amount
+that has crept into _The Cypress Tree_ does not spoil the effect of a
+truly "nice" tale.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+As an admirer of the _Spud Tamson_ books it irks me to have to say
+that _Winnie McLeod_ (HUTCHINSON) contains too much solid sermon to
+appeal to me. I gather that R. W. CAMPBELL wants to show how dangerous
+life may be for a poor and beautiful girl, and as a warning _Winnie_
+can be confidently recommended. But sound and wholesome as the
+preaching is it seems to me more suitable for a tract than for a
+novel. Moreover it is not easy to feel full sympathy with a hero who
+is frankly called an Adonis, who "played a good bat at cricket,"
+and also in a strenuous rugger match "dropped a beauty through the
+Edinburgh sticks." Altogether the picture suffers from the prodigious
+amount of paint that has been spent on it; yet I am confident it will
+afford edification to many people whose tastes I respect but cannot
+share.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Ninety-six per cent. of men employed in the gas undertakings
+    voted in favour of a strike. Four per cent. were against
+    such action and the neutrals formed an infinitesimal
+    number,"--_Daily Paper._
+
+A mere cipher, in fact.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Required, immediately, man with intimate knowledge of colours
+    to call on consumers with ochres from the French Alps."
+
+    _Daily Paper._
+
+Personally, we always prefer to consume raw umbers from the Apennines.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Customer._ "BUT IF THESE WATCHES COST TEN BOB TO MAKE,
+AND YOU ARE SELLING THEM AT THE SAME PRICE, WHERE DOES YOUR PROFIT
+COME IN?"
+
+_Watchmaker._ "WE GET IT REPAIRING THEM."]
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+p. 1.: 'say' corrected to 'says' ... 'says a Government official.'
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+158, JUNE 9, 1920***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 31119-8.txt or 31119-8.zip *******
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+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158,
+June 9, 1920, by Various, Edited by Sir Owen Seaman</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, June 9, 1920</p>
+<p>Author: Various</p>
+<p>Editor: Sir Owen Seaman</p>
+<p>Release Date: January 29, 2010  [eBook #31119]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 158, JUNE 9, 1920***</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>E-text prepared by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram,<br />
+    and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br />
+    (http://www.pgdp.net)</h3>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page441" id="page441"></a>[pg 441]</span>
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+ OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>VOLUME 158, Jan-Jul 1920</h2>
+
+<h2>June 9, 1920.</h2>
+
+ <hr class="full" />
+
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p>Owing to heavy storms the other
+day one thousand London telephones
+were thrown out of order. Very few
+subscribers noticed the difference.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A camera capable of photographing
+the most rapid moving objects in the
+world is the latest invention of an
+American. There is some talk of his
+trying to photograph a bricklayer whizzing
+along at his work.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Perjury is now rampant
+in all our Courts and there
+seems to be no way of preventing
+it," declares a well-known
+judge. Surely if
+they did away with the oath
+this grievance would soon
+disappear.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"With goodwill on both
+sides," said Lord <span class="sc">Rothschild</span>
+recently, "the Jews
+will make a success of colonising
+their own country."
+There will have to be assets
+as well as goodwill, it is
+thought, if they are to be
+made to feel thoroughly at
+home.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">George Beer</span>, the
+man who built the first
+glass houses in this country,
+has died at Worthing. The
+man who threw the first
+stone from inside has not
+yet been identified, but
+suspicion points to Sir
+<span class="sc">Frederick Banbury</span>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>When the police order you
+to move on, said the Thames
+magistrate, it is better to go
+in the long run. Others declare
+that it is quite sufficient
+to melt from view at a
+businesslike waddle.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"The only way to get houses," says
+the Marylebone magistrate, "is to build
+them." The idea of knitting a few
+seems to have been overlooked.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>We understand that the Scotsman
+who was injured in the rush outside the
+post-office on the last night of the three-halfpenny
+postage, is now able to get
+about with the help of a stick.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>New motor vehicles to take the place
+of the "Black Marias" are now being
+used between Brixton Gaol and Bow
+Street. Customers who contemplate
+arrest should book early to avoid the
+congestion.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Signor <span class="sc">Marconi</span> has failed to get into
+touch with Mars. At the same time
+we are asked to deny the rumour that
+communication has been established
+between Lord <span class="sc">Northcliffe</span> and the
+<span class="sc">Premier</span>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Comedians," says a stage paper,
+"are born, not made." This disposes
+of the impression that too many of
+them do it on purpose.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/441-800.png"><img src="images/441-350.png" width="350" height="468" alt="Flapper. 'Oh--and I want some peroxide. Er--it's for'" /></a>
+<p><i>Flapper.</i> <span class="sc">"Oh&mdash;and I want some peroxide. Er&mdash;it's for
+cleaning hairbrushes, isn't it?"</span></p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p>It has been established in the Court
+of Appeal that the farther north you go
+the larger are people's feet. Surprise
+has been expressed at the comparatively
+small number of Metropolitan policemen
+who hail from Spitzbergen.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Sydney Richardson</span>, the London
+messenger-boy who went to America
+for Mr. <span class="sc">Darewski</span>, has just returned.
+It is said that one American wanted to
+keep him as a souvenir and offered him
+a job as a paper-weight for his desk.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The Trafalgar Hotel, Greenwich,
+famous of old for its whitebait dinners,
+has been turned into a Trades Union
+Club. The report that the Parliamentary
+Labour Party has decided to
+preserve the traditions of the place by
+holding an annual red herring supper
+there is not confirmed.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A certain brass band in Hertfordshire
+now practises in the evening on
+the flat roof of a large factory. We
+understand that the Union of Cat
+Musicians are taking a serious view of
+the matter.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A vagrant was before the magistrate
+last week, charged with tearing his
+clothes and destroying all
+the buttons on them whilst
+in a workhouse ward. It is
+not known at what laundry
+he served his apprenticeship.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>After announcing that
+the fox which had been
+causing severe losses to
+poultry had at last been
+killed a local paper admits
+that the wanton destruction
+of fowls is still going on.
+It is thought that another
+fox of the same name was
+killed in error.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"The Irish will take
+nothing that we can offer
+them," <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'say'">says</ins> a Government
+official. Outside of that
+they seem to take pretty
+much what they want.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>We think that the attention
+of the N.S.P.C.C.
+should be drawn to the fact
+that several stall-holders on
+the beach of a popular seaside
+town are offering ices
+at twopence each, or twelve
+for one-and-six.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A man was charged at
+the South Western Police
+Court with throwing a sandwich
+at a waiter. Very
+thoughtless. He might have broken it.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A new instrument for measuring
+whiskey is announced. The last whiskey
+we ordered seemed to have been
+squirted into the glass with a hypodermic
+syringe.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>The Bull-dog Breed.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">"H. Prew, b Staples, c L. Mitchell, c Ryland,
+b Rajendrasinhji, 17."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i></p>
+
+<p class="ind2">The gallant fellow doesn't seem to have
+known when he was beaten.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+"Wanted, thoroughly capable Woman, to
+take management of canteen; one with knowledge
+of ambulance work preferred."</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="author1"><i>Provincial Paper.</i>
+</p>
+
+<p class="ind2">A "wet" canteen, presumably.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page442" id="page442"></a>[pg 442]</span>
+
+<h3>"UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE."</h3>
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+["A Skilled Labourer," writing to <i>The Times</i>,
+speaks of "the extremists" among the working
+classes as "cherishing a belief that the intelligence
+of educated persons is declining."]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Doubtless, my Masters, you are right</p>
+<p>As to the lore which they delight</p>
+<p class="i2">To teach at Cambridge College;</p>
+<p>Contented with a classic tone,</p>
+<p>Those useful arts we left alone</p>
+<p>By which we might have held our own</p>
+<p class="i2">Against the Newer Knowledge.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Even if I could still retain</p>
+<p>The ethics which my early brain</p>
+<p class="i2">Imbibed from <span class="sc">Aristotle</span>,</p>
+<p>It would not serve me much to speak</p>
+<p>His views on virtue (in the Greek)</p>
+<p>When buying table claret (weak)</p>
+<p class="i2">At ten-and-six the bottle.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Or when my tailor claims his loot</p>
+<p>Of twenty guineas for a suit</p>
+<p class="i2">Of rude continuations,</p>
+<p>I must remain his hopeless thrall,</p>
+<p>Nor would it move his heart at all</p>
+<p>Could I from <span class="sc">Juvenal</span> recall</p>
+<p class="i2">Some apposite quotations.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>If I engaged a working-man</p>
+<p>To mend a leaky pot or pan</p>
+<p class="i2">Or else a pipe that's porous,</p>
+<p>He would not modify his fees</p>
+<p>For hours and hours of vacant ease</p>
+<p>Though out of <span class="sc">Aristophanes</span></p>
+<p class="i2">I said a funny chorus.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I am a failure, it appears;</p>
+<p>I cannot cope with profiteers</p>
+<p class="i2">Nor with enlightened Labour;</p>
+<p>Too late I see, on looking back,</p>
+<p>Where lies the blame for what I lack;</p>
+<p>Why was I never taught the knack</p>
+<p class="i2">Of beggaring my neighbour?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i28">O. S.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>A CONNOISSEUR'S APPRECIATION.</h3>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Sharp Rise of Great Britain in the
+Estimation of U.S.A.</span></p>
+
+<p>The first-class carriage was empty.
+I threw my coat into a corner and
+settled myself in the seat opposite.
+Just as the train started to move, the
+door was flung open and a tall lean
+body hurled itself into the compartment
+and dropped on my coat. He was
+followed instantaneously by a leather
+bag which crashed on to the floor.</p>
+
+<p>"Say, these cars pull out pretty
+slick."</p>
+
+<p>My intelligence at once conjectured
+that this was an American, one of the
+thousands who have lately taken advantage
+of the exchange to spy out the
+nakedness of our land.</p>
+
+<p>I must admit that I understand
+American only with great difficulty. I
+try to guess the meaning of each sentence
+from the unimportant words which
+I can interpret. I surmised somehow
+that his speech referred to the bag on
+the floor.</p>
+
+<p>So I answered, civilly enough, "I
+hope your bag is undamaged. Excuse
+me, I will relieve you of my coat." So
+saying, I pulled it from beneath him
+and with a single movement flung it
+on the rack over my own head.</p>
+
+<p>The stranger spoke again after some
+moments. He appeared to have spent
+the interval in repeating my words to
+himself, as though to grasp their meaning.
+Yet, heaven knows, I speak
+plainly enough.</p>
+
+<p>This time he said, "Guess my grip's
+O.K. But I ain't plunkin' my bucks
+on the guy that says the old country's
+in the sweet and peaceful."</p>
+
+<p>After this most extraordinary and unintelligible
+communication he began to
+feel his pockets and his person all over,
+as though searching for something. I
+felt myself at liberty to resume my
+study of <i>The Spectator</i>.</p>
+
+<p>However, I was not to be left alone.
+Again he addressed me. "Guess I
+gotta hand it to you."</p>
+
+<p>"I beg your pardon," I observed,
+lowering my paper.</p>
+
+<p>"You've got 'em all whipped blocks,"
+he went on, his absurd smile still persisting.
+"You're a cracker jack, you're
+a smart aleck. You've done to me
+what the fire did to the furnishing
+shack. You've dealt me one in the
+spaghetti joint. Oh, I gotta hand it to
+you."</p>
+
+<p>I could understand little of the words,
+but I gathered from his manner that he
+was congratulating me on something in
+the extravagant but interesting fashion
+of the North-American tribes.</p>
+
+<p>"You sure put the monkey-wrench
+on me," he continued. "You make me
+feel like I couldn't operate a pea-nut
+stand. I'm the rube from the back-blocks,
+sure thing. I ain't going to
+holler any&mdash;not me. I'm real pleased
+to get acquainted. Shake."</p>
+
+<p>I took his hand with as little self-consciousness
+as possible, not yet having
+been able to understand what praiseworthy
+act I had accomplished. I must
+admit none the less that I felt vaguely
+pleased at his encomiums.</p>
+
+<p>"There was a guy way back in
+Nevada used to have a style like
+yours. They called him Happy Cloud
+Sim, and he had a hand like a ham.
+See that grip? Well, Sir, Sim 'ud
+come right in here, lay his hand somewheres
+about, and that grip 'ud vanish
+into the sweet eternal. You could
+search the hull of the cars from caboose
+to fire-box and nary a grip. He was
+an artist. Poor Sim, he overreached
+himself in Albany, trying to attach a
+cash-register. The blame thing started
+ringing a bell and shedding tickets all
+along the sidewalk. The sleuths just
+paper-chased him through the burg.
+He was easy meat for the calaboose
+that Fall."</p>
+
+<p>I was at a loss to understand the
+relevance of this extremely improbable
+narrative. It did not appear, on the
+face of it, complimentary to connect
+me with a declared thief and gaol-bird.
+Still it was my duty to be courteous to
+one who was for the time a national
+guest.</p>
+
+<p>"A most interesting story," I remarked,
+"and one which has the further
+advantage of conveying a moral lesson."</p>
+
+<p>"But you got Sim beat ten blocks,"
+he resumed. "The way you threw
+your top-coat up made Sim look like a
+last year's made-over. I never set eyes
+on a dry-goods clerk as could fix a
+package slicker. I'll have a lil something
+to tell the home town."</p>
+
+<p>He looked out of the window. "Guess
+this is Harrow," he remarked, "and
+we're pulling into the deepo. I may
+as well have my wad back."</p>
+
+<p>So saying he put his hand into the
+folds of the coat over my head and
+withdrew a roll of notes fastened with
+a rubber band. This roll he then
+stuffed into his hip-pocket. I began to
+see the meaning of his insinuations.</p>
+
+<p>"If you think," said I indignantly,
+"that I saw you drop your notes
+and deliberately rolled them up in the
+coat&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Nix on that stuff," he retorted
+jovially. "I know them dollar-bills;
+they kinder skin theirselves off the
+wad and when you come to pay the bartender
+they've hit the trail and you
+stand lonesome with a bitter taste in
+your mouth, like <span class="sc">Lot</span>'s wife."</p>
+
+<p>The train stopped; the man stepped
+out with the unnecessary haste of his
+kind.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I'm pleased to have met you,"
+he concluded, still smiling amiably
+through the window; "if ever you
+strike Rapid City, Wis., you'll find me
+rustling wood somewheres near the
+saloon. I'd like to have got better
+acquainted, but I promised the folks
+I'd stop off here and get wise as to
+how boys is raised in your country.
+They sure grow up fine men. I reckon
+we 're way behind the times in Rapid
+City&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>The train passed out leaving me
+speechless with indignation.</p>
+
+<p>It took me some moments to recover
+my normal balance. Then I confess I
+was delighted to notice that the fellow,
+in his enthusiasm over the alleged
+lightness of my fingers, had left his
+precious "grip" behind him.</p>
+
+<p>It travelled with me to my destination.
+I hope it is still travelling.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page443" id="page443"></a>[pg 443]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 420px;"><a href="images/443-1500.png"><img src="images/443-370.png" width="370" height="465" alt="MORE HASTE, LESS MEAT." /></a>
+<h2>MORE HASTE, LESS MEAT.</h2>
+
+<p><i>The Calf</i> (<i>to the Butcher of the Exchequer</i>). "OH, SIR, IT SEEMS
+SUCH A PITY TO KILL ME.
+YOU'D GET SO MUCH MORE OFF ME LATER ON."</p></div>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page444" id="page444"></a>[pg 444]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/444-1500.png"><img src="images/444-600.png" width="600" height="378" alt="WHEN EXPERTS DIFFER." /></a>
+<h3>WHEN EXPERTS DIFFER.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Junior Partner</i> (<i>in syndicate whose operations on the 2.30 race&mdash;six
+furlongs&mdash;have gone wrong</i>). <span class="sc">"There&mdash;didn't I tell yer
+Diamond's Pride was a five-furlong 'orse?"</span></p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>ON APPROVAL.</h3>
+
+<p>John looked up from his paper.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah!" he sighed loudly, "how the
+world progresses."</p>
+
+<p>There was silence. John sighed again.</p>
+
+<p>"How the world progresses," he said
+a shade louder.</p>
+
+<p>Cecilia and I continued reading.</p>
+
+<p>"Can't <i>anyone</i> ask a question?"
+asked John peevishly.</p>
+
+<p>"Where do the flies go in the winter-time?"
+murmured Cecilia without looking
+up.</p>
+
+<p>I was weak enough to laugh. For
+some reason it annoyed John.</p>
+
+<p>"Go on, go on, laugh!" he spluttered;
+"you're a good pair, you and
+your sister. Say something else funny,
+Cecilia, and make little brother laugh.
+What a crowd to have married into!
+Shrieks of laughter at every feeble joke,
+but as for intelligent conversation&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, we're reading," said Cecilia;
+"we don't want intelligent conversation."</p>
+
+<p>"There's no need to tell me that.
+I know it only too well. I haven't been
+married to you for all these years without
+seeing that."</p>
+
+<p>"'All these years,'" repeated Cecilia,
+aghast. "The vindictive brute."</p>
+
+
+<p>"And," continued John bitterly, "I
+say again what I said just now: How
+the world progresses."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, there's no need to keep on
+saying it, dear old cauliflower," I said;
+"we <i>know</i> it progresses. What are we
+expected to say?"</p>
+
+<p>"I know," said Cecilia brightly.
+"<i>Why?</i>"</p>
+
+<p>John pulled himself up.</p>
+
+<p>"Because," he said, "they are proposing
+in the paper here to start a
+system of temporary marriages which
+can be dissolved if either party is dissatisfied
+after a fair trial. I only
+wish somebody had thought of it&mdash;how
+many?&mdash;eight years ago."</p>
+
+<p>Cecilia's jaw dropped. I chuckled.</p>
+
+<p>"You certainly bought that one all
+right, Cecilia old dear," I said. "Can't
+you manage a witty retort? Try, sister,
+for the honour of the family."</p>
+
+<p>Cecilia pulled herself together.</p>
+
+<p>"Retort?" she said in surprise.
+"Why on earth a retort, my dear Alan?
+When my husband makes his first really
+sensible remark for years I don't retort,
+I applaud. If only I had known the
+sort of man he is before I tied myself
+to him for life! What an actor he
+would have made! Why, before we
+married&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"'Nothing was too good for you,'"
+I encouraged. "Go on, Cecilia."</p>
+
+<p>"Don't interrupt, Alan&mdash;nothing was
+too good for me. Afterwards&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Last year's blouses and a yearly
+trip to the Zoo. Shame!" I said.</p>
+
+<p>"And what about me?" said John.
+"Haven't I been deceived? Didn't you
+all conspire to make me think she was
+sweet and good? I remember somebody
+telling me I was a lucky man. I realise
+now you were all only too glad to get
+rid of her."</p>
+
+<p>"Alan! How can you let him?" said
+Cecilia with a small scream of rage.</p>
+
+<p>"Come, come," I said, "this family
+wrangling has gone far enough. You
+<i>are</i> married and you can't get out of it.
+Make the best of it, my children, and
+be friends."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said John sadly, "it is too
+late now. I must try to bear up; but
+it is hard. If only this scheme had been
+started a few years earlier. If only I
+could have taken her on approval."</p>
+
+<p>He paused a moment and smiled
+softly.</p>
+
+<p>"Imagine the scene," he resumed.
+"'Cecilia,' I should say, 'I have given
+you every chance, but I am afraid you
+don't suit. For eight long years I have
+suffered from your rotten cooking, your
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page445" id="page445"></a>[pg 445]</span>
+... extravagance ... and so on ...
+<i>et c&aelig;tera</i> ... and I regret that I must
+give you a month's notice, to take effect
+as from four o'clock this afternoon. You
+have good qualities. You are honest
+and temperate and, to some extent, not
+bad looking&mdash;in the evening, anyway.
+Your idea of keeping household accounts
+is atrocious, but, on the other
+hand, you look rather nice in a hammock
+on a hot summer day. But that
+is all I can say for you. You have not
+given me the wifely devotion I expected.
+Only last week, when I came home feeling
+miserable, you sat at the piano playing
+extracts from some beastly revue,
+when a true wife would have been singing
+"Parted" or even "Roses of Picardy."
+Again, you invariably put our child in
+front of me in all things, such as the
+last piece of cake or having an egg for
+tea. I am not jealous of the boy, mind
+you, but I hate favouritism, and I won't
+play second fiddle to Christopher or
+anyone else.</p>
+
+<p>"'In fact, my dear Cecilia (I use the
+phrase in its formal sense only), not
+being satisfied that you do all that was
+promised in the advertisement, I have
+decided to return you without further
+liability and ask for a refund of the
+cost of carriage. That will be all,
+thank you. You may go.'"</p>
+
+<p>There was a few moments' ominous
+quiet, and then Cecilia went over the
+top with a roar of artillery and the
+rattle of machine guns. John put up
+a defensive barrage. Cecilia raked him
+with bombs and Lewis guns. He replied
+with heavy stuff. The air grew
+thicker and thicker.</p>
+
+<p>"Shush!" I shouted through the din
+of battle. "Man and wife to wrangle like
+this! Think of your good name. Think
+of the servants. Think of the child."</p>
+
+<p>Cecilia caught the last phrase and
+the noise subsided.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," she said, breathless but calm,
+"there's the hitch in your plans, Master
+John&mdash;the child. If I go I take Christopher
+with me."</p>
+
+<p>"That you don't. Christopher belongs
+to me. He is part of my estate&mdash;in
+law. You <i>can't</i> take him."</p>
+
+<p>"Can't I?" said Cecilia. "Am I
+his mother or am I not?"</p>
+
+<p>"Who pays his school-fees?" said
+John. "What's his name? Whose
+house does he live in?"</p>
+
+<p>Cecilia was gathering herself for another
+offensive when the door opened
+and Christopher came in.</p>
+
+<p>We looked at him and he paused in
+embarrassment.</p>
+
+<p>"What are you all looking at me
+for?" he asked, smiling uneasily; "I
+haven't done anything."</p>
+
+<p>"He belongs to <i>me</i>," said Cecilia
+suddenly.</p>
+
+<p>"He belongs to <i>me</i>," said John with
+decision.</p>
+
+<p>Christopher knows his parents fairly
+well. "Whatever are you doing?" he
+asked with a chuckle.</p>
+
+<p>"Come here," said John.</p>
+
+<p>Christopher advanced and stood between
+his mother and his father.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know what I'm inspected
+to do," he said.</p>
+
+<p>"Christopher," said John, "to whom
+do you belong&mdash;to your mother or to
+me? Think well, my child."</p>
+
+<p>Christopher wrinkled his nose obediently
+and thought for a moment.</p>
+
+<p>"Why," he said, his face clearing,
+"we all b'long to each other."</p>
+
+<hr class="light" />
+
+<p>"'The Heart of a Child,'" I said;
+"the beautifullest love-story ever told.
+Featuring Little Randolph, the Boy
+Wonder."</p>
+
+<p>They took no notice. They were all
+three busy rehearsing the final reconciliation
+scene.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><a href="images/445-1000.png"><img src="images/445-380.png" width="380" height="464" alt="'Of course we must. They might think we couldn't afford it.'" /></a>
+<p><i>The Wife.</i> <span class="sc">"Must we always 'ave champagne, 'Arry? It
+don't reely suit me."</span></p>
+
+<p><i>The Profiteer.</i> <span class="sc">"Of course we must. They might think we couldn't
+afford it."</span></p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>Our Erudite Contemporaries.</h3>
+
+<h4>From a special golf correspondent:&mdash;</h4>
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+"I cannot remember the Latin for a daisy,
+but most emphatically 'Delanda est.'"
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="author1"><i>Daily Paper.</i></p>
+
+<p class="ind2">O Carthego!</p>
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+"'Pol-u-me-tis.' The Greek brings back
+the thundrous verse of Virgil. Echoes from
+the twilight of the gods."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind2">Poor old G&ouml;tterd&auml;mmerung.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>Another Sex-Problem.</h4>
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+"White Milking Shorthorn Bull for Sale,
+&pound;50."&mdash;<i>Farmers' Gazette.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+"A Good Canvasser wanted for Credit Gentlemen's
+wear; ready to wear and made to
+measure clothing."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind2">"One," in fact, "that was made a shape
+for his clothes, and, if <span class="sc">Adam</span> had not
+fallen, had lived to no purpose."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+"To-morrow afternoon, the Dansant, 3 p.m.
+to 6 p.m. Tickets inclusive 3s. 6d. Dansant
+(only) 2s. 6d."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind2">The "the" seems cheap at a shilling.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page446" id="page446"></a>[pg 446]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>THE ART OF POETRY.</h3>
+
+<h4>II.</h4>
+
+<p>In this lecture I propose to explain
+how comic poetry is written.</p>
+
+<p>Comic poetry, as I think I pointed
+out in my last lecture, is much more
+difficult than serious poetry, because
+there are all sorts of rules. In serious
+poetry there are practically no rules,
+and what rules there are may be shattered
+with impunity as soon as they
+become at all inconvenient. Rhyme,
+for instance. A well-known Irish poet
+once wrote a poem which ran like this:</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">"Hands, do as you're bid,</p>
+<p>Draw the balloon of the mind</p>
+<p>That bellies and sags in the wind</p>
+<p class="i2">Into its narrow shed."</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>This was printed in a serious paper;
+but if the poet had sent it up to a
+humorous paper (as he might well have
+done) the Editor would have said, "Do
+you pronounce it <i>shid</i>?", and the poet
+would have had no answer. You see,
+he started out, as serious poets do, with
+every intention of organising a good
+rhyme for <i>bid</i>&mdash;or perhaps for <i>shed</i>&mdash;but
+he found this was more difficult
+than he expected. And then, no doubt,
+somebody drove all his cattle on to
+his croquet-lawn, or somebody else's
+croquet-lawn, and he abandoned the
+struggle. I shouldn't complain of that;
+what I do complain of is the <i>deceitfulness</i>
+of the whole thing. If a man can't
+find a better rhyme than <i>shed</i> for a
+simple word like <i>bid</i>, let him give up
+the idea of having a rhyme at all; let
+him write&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Hands, do as you're <span class="sc">TOLD</span>,</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>or</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Into its narrow <span class="sc">HUT</span> (or even <span class="sc">HANGAR</span>).</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>That at least would be an honest confession
+of failure. But to write <i>bid</i>
+and <i>shed</i> is simply a sinister attempt
+to gain credit for writing a rhymed
+poem <i>without doing it at all</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Well, that kind of thing is not allowed
+in comic poetry. When I opened my
+well-known military epic, "Riddles of
+the King," with the couplet,</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Full dress (with decorations) will be worn</p>
+<p>When General Officers are shot at dawn,</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>the Editor wrote cuttingly in the margin,
+"Do you say <i>dorn</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>The correct answer would have been,
+of course, "Well, as a matter of fact I
+do;" but you cannot make answers of
+that kind to Editors; they don't understand
+it. And that brings you to the
+real drawback of comic poetry; it means
+constant truck with Editors. But I must
+not be drawn into a discussion about
+them. In a special lecture&mdash;two special
+lectures&mdash;&mdash; Quite.</p>
+
+<p>The lowest form of comic poetry is,
+of course, the Limerick; but it is a
+mistake to suppose that it is the easiest.
+It is more difficult to finish a Limerick
+than to finish anything in the world.
+You see, in a Limerick you cannot
+begin:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>There was an old man of West <i>Ham</i></p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>and go on</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Who formed an original <i>plan</i>,</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>finishing the last line with <i>limb</i> or <i>hen</i>
+or <i>bun</i>. A serious writer could do that
+with impunity, and indeed with praise,
+but the more exacting traditions of
+Limerical composition insist that, having
+fixed on <i>Ham</i> as the end of the first
+line, you must find two other rhymes
+to <i>Ham</i>, and good rhymes too. This is
+why there is so large a body of uncompleted
+Limericks. For many years
+I have been trying to finish the following
+unfinished masterpiece:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>There was a young man who said "<i>Hell!</i></p>
+<p>I don't think I feel very well&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>That was composed on the Gallipoli
+Peninsula; in fact it was composed
+under fire; indeed I remember now
+that we were going over the top at the
+time. But in the quiet days of Peace
+I can get no further with it. It only
+shows how much easier it is to begin a
+Limerick than to end it.</p>
+
+<p>Apart from the subtle phrasing of
+the second line this poem is noteworthy
+because it is cast in the classic form.
+All the best Limericks are about a young
+man, or else an old one, who said some
+short sharp monosyllable in the first
+line. For example:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>There was a young man who said "<i>If</i>&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>Now what are the rhymes to <i>if</i>? Looking
+up my <i>Rhyming Dictionary</i> I see
+they are:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>cliff</p>
+<p>hieroglyph</p>
+<p>hippogriff</p>
+<p>skiff</p>
+<p>sniff</p>
+<p>stiff</p>
+<p>tiff</p>
+<p>whiff</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>Of these one may reject <i>hippogriff</i> at
+once, as it is in the wrong metre. <i>Hieroglyph</i>
+is attractive, and we might do
+worse than:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>There was a young man who said "If</p>
+<p>One murdered a hieroglyph&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>Having, however, no very clear idea of
+the nature of a hieroglyph I am afraid
+that this will also join the long list of
+unfinished masterpieces. Personally
+I should incline to something of this
+kind:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>There was a young man who said "If</p>
+<p>I threw myself over a cliff</p>
+<p class="i4">I do not believe</p>
+<p class="i4"><i>One</i> person would grieve&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>Now the last line is going to be very
+difficult. The tragic loneliness, the
+utter disillusion of this young man is so
+vividly outlined in the first part of the
+poem that to avoid an anticlimax a
+really powerful last line is required. <i>But
+there are no powerful rhymes.</i> A serious
+poet, of course, could finish up with
+<i>death</i> or <i>faith</i>, or some powerful word
+like that. But we are limited to <i>skiff</i>,
+<i>sniff</i>, <i>tiff</i> and <i>whiff</i>. And what can
+you do with those? Students, I hope,
+will see what they can do. My own
+tentative solution is printed, by arrangement
+with the Editor, on another
+page (<a class="plain" href="#solution">458</a>). I do not pretend that it
+is perfect; in fact it seems to me to
+strike rather a vulgar note. At the
+same time it is copyright, and must
+not be set to music in the U.S.A.</p>
+
+<p>I have left little time for comic poetry
+other than Limericks, but most of the
+above profound observations are equally
+applicable to both, except that in the
+case of the former it is usual to think
+of the <i>last</i> line first. Having done that
+you think of some good rhymes to the
+last line and hang them up in mid-air,
+so to speak. Then you think of something
+to say which will fit on to those
+rhymes. It is just like Limericks, only
+you start at the other end; indeed it
+is much easier than Limericks, though,
+I am glad to say, nobody believes this.
+If they did it would be even harder
+to get money out of Editors than it is
+already.</p>
+
+<p>We will now write a comic poem
+about Spring Cleaning. We will have
+verses of six lines, five ten-syllable lines
+and one six-syllable. As a last line for
+the first verse I suggest</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Where have they put my hat?</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>We now require two rhymes to <i>hat</i>.
+In the present context <i>flat</i> will obviously
+be one, and <i>cat</i> or <i>drat</i> will be
+another. Our resources at present are
+therefore as follows:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Line 1&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;</p>
+<p>"  2&mdash; ... flat.</p>
+<p>"  3&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;</p>
+<p>"  4&mdash; ... cat or drat.</p>
+<p>"  5&mdash; &mdash;&mdash;</p>
+<p>"  6&mdash;Where have they put my hat?</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>As for the blank lines, <i>wife</i> is certain
+to come in sooner or later, and we had
+better put that down, supported by <i>life</i>
+("What a life!"), and <i>knife</i> or <i>strife</i>.
+There are no other rhymes, except <i>rife</i>,
+which is a useless word.</p>
+
+<p>We now hold another parade:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Terumti&mdash;umti&mdash;umti&mdash;umti&mdash;wife,</p>
+<p class="i2">Terumti&mdash;umti&mdash;umti&mdash;umti&mdash;flat;</p>
+<p>Teroodle&mdash;oodle&mdash;oodle&mdash;What a life!</p>
+<p class="i2">Terumti&mdash;oodle&mdash;umti&mdash;oodle&mdash;cat (or drat);</p>
+<p>Teroodle&mdash;umti&mdash;oodle&mdash;umti&mdash;knife (or strife);</p>
+<p class="i2">Where have they put my hat?</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>All that remains now is to fill in the
+umti-oodles, and I can't be bothered
+to do that. There is nothing in it.</p>
+
+<p class="author">A. P. H.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+"Will any gentleman requiring a House-keeper
+accept two decently brought up boys,
+age 12 and 8 years? Excellent cook and
+housekeeper; capable of full control."</p>
+
+<p class="author1"><i>Daily Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind2">Someone really ought to give these
+young sportsmen a trial.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page447" id="page447"></a>[pg 447]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/447-1500.png"><img src="images/447-360.png" width="360" height="471" alt="MANNERS AND MODES." /></a>
+<h2>MANNERS AND MODES.</h2>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">The Domestic Servant Shortage.</span></h4>
+
+<p>HOW THE MISSES MARJORIBANKS DE VERE (WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF A PERRUQUIER) UPHOLD
+THE
+DIGNITY OF HER LADYSHIP THEIR MAMA'S AFTERNOON "AT HOMES."</p></div>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page448" id="page448"></a>[pg 448]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/448-1500.png"><img src="images/448-600.png" width="600" height="353" alt="'It completes the resemblance to the Bay of Naples, which we insist on in all our advertisements.'" /></a>
+
+<p><i>The Visitor.</i> <span class="sc">"But you spoil the place by having the public
+incinerator on that hill over there."</span></p>
+
+<p><i>The Town Clerk.</i> <span class="sc">"Pardon me, Sir&mdash;that is <i>my</i> idea. It completes
+the resemblance to the Bay of Naples, which we
+insist on in all our advertisements."</span></p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>THE LOQUACIOUS INSTINCT.</h3>
+
+<p>Don't you ever know the impulse,
+when you are idly turning the pages
+of a telephone directory, to ring up
+some total stranger and engage him in
+light conversation?</p>
+
+<p>I do, quite intensely. In moments of
+ennui, when there is really nothing to do
+in the office, the fear of discovery alone
+restrains me. I'm not sure that I can
+rely on the professional secrecy of the
+girl at the exchange. Has she strength
+of mind to refuse a righteously indignant
+subscriber who demands to know
+(with imprecations) what number has
+been talking to him?</p>
+
+<p>I could take her into my confidence,
+I suppose. Only the thing oughtn't to
+be elaborately premeditated; it should
+be sudden and spontaneous, the matter
+of a happy moment. You get your
+number and say:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Hullo! Is that Barefoot and Humpage,
+the architects? Can I speak to
+Mr. Barefoot&mdash;or Mr. Humpage?"</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Humpage speaking. Who is
+that, please?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I want you to design me a
+cathedral. By to-morrow afternoon,
+if poss&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"To design you a what?"</p>
+
+<p>"A cathedral. <span class="sc">C-a-t-h&mdash;&mdash;</span> but I
+expect you heard me that time. A
+massive structure, you know, chiefly
+built of stone. As at Salisbury, and
+Ely, and&mdash;well, probably you'll know
+what I mean. Now, as to details&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Who are you?"</p>
+
+<p>"I? Oh, I'm a collector of these
+buildings in a small way. But about
+this one we're discussing. Something
+in the pre-Raphaelite manner, do you
+think&mdash;with arpeggios dotted about
+here and there?"</p>
+
+<p>Of course I don't know what Mr.
+Humpage would say at this point.
+Therein would lie the fascination of
+these experiments&mdash;to discover just
+what different people would say at that
+kind of point.</p>
+
+<p>Take Mr. Absalom, for instance, who
+is described in the Directory as a commission
+agent. How would he express
+himself, I wonder, if I were to ring
+him up and request him to dispose, on
+the most advantageous terms, of my
+commission in the Army?</p>
+
+<p>Messrs. Wheable Brothers too. Just
+the people I've been looking for.</p>
+
+<p>"You're the sand and gravel contractors,
+aren't you?" I should begin,
+"Well, I know of some sand that badly
+wants contracting."</p>
+
+<p>"I beg your pardon?"</p>
+
+<p>"Perhaps I had better explain. You
+see, I always spend my holidays at
+Pipton-on-Sea. This year, in fact, I'm
+going there in two or three weeks' time.
+Earlier holidays&mdash;a splendid movement,
+what? See railway posters. In June
+the average snowfall is only&mdash;&mdash; But
+the point is that at Pipton there's a
+belt of about two miles of sand, even
+at high-tide&mdash;several hundred yards,
+anyhow&mdash;and it <i>does</i> spoil the bathing
+so. Now if you could arrange to have
+this sand contracted to half or a third
+of its present width? Perhaps you'll
+quote me terms. Thank you so much."</p>
+
+<p>Then there's the Steam Packet Company
+at a neighbouring port. One
+might ask them to supply half-a-dozen
+small packets of steam for the ungumming
+of envelope-flaps.</p>
+
+<p>I find also in the Directory two or
+three gentlemen with the surname of
+"George." I could profess to be an
+earnest Liberal opponent of the <span class="sc">Prime
+Minister</span>, accustomed to refer to him
+by that disrespectful abbreviation:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, is that Mr. George? Well, Sir,
+I wanted to have a word with you on
+your handling of the European situation.
+Now, it's surely obvious that
+the Jugo-Slavs&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>It seems possible that your victim
+now and then might enter into the
+spirit of the thing and do his best to
+make the dialogue a success. Contrariwise,
+if you were seeking violent
+excitements, you would ask a retired
+admiral, let us say, his opinion on the
+question "Do flappers put their hair
+up too soon?" or some such urgent
+problem of the day. How jolly these
+promiscuous exercises in conversation
+might be!</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page449" id="page449"></a>[pg 449]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/449-1500.png"><img src="images/449-600.png" width="600" height="441" alt="'Sure, one av the guests must have had a hole in his pockut'" /></a>
+
+<p><i>Biddy</i> (<i>recovering a spoon the morning after the party</i>). "<span class="sc">Sure,
+one av the guests must have had a hole in his pockut</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>TO THE NEW POLICEMAN.</h3>
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+["Increased remuneration is attracting to
+the force a more intellectual and better class
+of recruit.... Police administration here is
+now organised in a more humanitarian spirit
+than formerly, and a policeman is as much
+encouraged to prevent the necessity of an
+arrest as to effect an arrest."&mdash;<i>Sir <span class="sc">William
+Gentle</span> (retiring chief of the Brighton Police
+Force, unofficially known as "Sir William
+Gentle's Gentlemen"), interviewed by "The
+Daily Sketch.</i>"]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>O Robert, in our hours of crime</p>
+<p>Certain to nab us every time,</p>
+<p>Or, failing, fill a dungeon cell</p>
+<p>With someone who does just as well;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Now you're a gentleman in blue</p>
+<p>Provided with a princely screw,</p>
+<p>More is expected of you still;</p>
+<p>You must <i>prevent</i> us doing ill.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>No longer is it deemed enough</p>
+<p>To slip the hand within the "cuff,"</p>
+<p>To trap road-hogs and motor-bikes,</p>
+<p>Or merely to arrest <i>Bill Sikes</i>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Thus, when you take position at</p>
+<p>The window of an empty flat,</p>
+<p>And <i>Bill</i> arrives to burgle it,</p>
+<p>Urge him his evil ways to quit;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Or, posted in a public bar,</p>
+<p>Where men drink too much beer by far,</p>
+<p>Before them you might firmly put</p>
+<p>The arguments of <span class="sc">Pussyfoot</span>;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Or, summoned to a scene of strife,</p>
+<p>Persuade the fellow with the knife</p>
+<p>By means of tactful reasoning</p>
+<p>That murder is not quite the thing.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The world would profit if you took</p>
+<p>A leaf from out the Parson's book,</p>
+<p>Becoming a judicious blend</p>
+<p>Of "guide, philosopher and friend."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Discard your truncheon for a tract;</p>
+<p>Strive to admonish ere you act;</p>
+<p>In Virtue's force enrol recruits</p>
+<p>And stamp out Belial with your boots.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>ITEMS FROM ANYWHERE.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>After the model of most of the dailies, by
+our specially unreliable news service.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>It is reported that, owing to the
+present high price of labour, a German
+Zeppelin is to be loaned to the Government
+to carry out the demolition of the
+nineteen unnecessary City churches.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Arrested on a charge of loitering with
+felonious intent, Thomas Wrott, aged
+forty, of Featherleigh, Beds, stated that
+he was building a house.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Though the titles of all the pictures in
+a recent Vorticist exhibition were placed
+by a printer's error opposite to the
+wrong numbers in the catalogue, none
+of the visitors discovered the mistake.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Strike action is threatened in Manchester
+by the Amalgamated Society of
+Tyldesleys, several Lancashire wickets
+having been taken by non-union labour.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It is reported that Lord <span class="sc">Fisher</span> was
+recently traversing <i>The Times</i> with a
+belt of Biblical sentences when a cross-feed
+occurred, causing the action to jam.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A silver salver is to be presented to
+the Royal Automobile Club in token of
+gratitude by octogenarian villagers of
+Sussex.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+"Experienced Cook-General Wanted; comfortable
+home; liberal outings; wages &pound;40;
+policeman handy."&mdash;<i>Welsh Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind2">Would it not have been more tactful to
+say, "Copper in kitchen"?</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page450" id="page450"></a>[pg 450]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/450-1500.png"><img src="images/450-600.png" width="600" height="432" alt="Partner. 'After you'd done waving those diamonds about I couldn't see anything'" /></a>
+
+<p><i>Disgusted Plutocrat</i> (<i>to partner, who has just missed a fifty-pound
+putt</i>). "<span class="sc">Couldn't you see that slope after I pointed it out
+to YOU</span>?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Partner.</i> "<span class="sc">After you'd done waving those diamonds about I couldn't see
+anything</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>FOR REMEMBRANCE.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>In stone perdurable and bronze austere</p>
+<p class="i2">We have bequeathed the memory of the dead</p>
+<p class="i2">Unto the yet unborn; "&nbsp;'their name,'&nbsp;" we said,</p>
+<p>"&nbsp;'Liveth for evermore'; each happier year</p>
+<p>Shall see, we trust, before the unmossed stone</p>
+<p class="i6">Love and Remembrance wed."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Though from dim hosts that narrow and recede</p>
+<p class="i2">Dear unforgotten eyes salute us still,</p>
+<p class="i2">Look back a moment, make our pulses thrill</p>
+<p>With the old music, though the festal weed</p>
+<p>Of Spring be cypress-girt, oblivion</p>
+<p class="i6">Will come, as Winter will.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Ah, not oblivion drowsing love and pain</p>
+<p class="i2">Into dull slumber; still we can retell</p>
+<p class="i2">How young blithe valour broke the powers of hell;</p>
+<p>We grope for hands that will not stir again</p>
+<p>In ours, hear still in every carillon</p>
+<p class="i6">The cadence of Farewell.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Not these things and not thus do we forget;</p>
+<p class="i2">But the informing spirit, the dream within</p>
+<p class="i2">And the high ardour that was half-akin</p>
+<p>To ancient faiths and half to hopes not yet</p>
+<p>Coherent, unperceived are surely gone,</p>
+<p class="i6">Like stars that dawnward set.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Though "their name liveth," the dream they died to bring</p>
+<p class="i2">Unto fruition eludes our fumbling hold;</p>
+<p class="i2">The Othman riders gallop to their old</p>
+<p>Red revels, and the seas are darkening</p>
+<p>Round all the Asian shores, while one by one</p>
+<p class="i6">Depart the sweets of Spring.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>O you whom yet we mourn, for whom the song</p>
+<p class="i2">Of victory and sorrow dies not away,</p>
+<p class="i2">Well is it with you if beyond the grey</p>
+<p>Islands of sleep that you are met among</p>
+<p>No world-born memories win. May there be none!</p>
+<p class="i6">We have not remembered long.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Yet if beyond the sunset's golden choir,</p>
+<p class="i2">Instead of one august enduring sleep,</p>
+<p class="i2">There waits a life where memory shall keep</p>
+<p>Her ancient force and hope her old desire,</p>
+<p>Now, even now, on altars cleft and prone</p>
+<p class="i6">Rekindle the pure fire!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="author1">D. M. S.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>"SCOUNDREL AND MAN OF LETTERS.</h3>
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p class="center">
+One of the Prizewinners in Our Article Competition."&mdash;<i>Weekly Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind2">But ought an editor to give away his contributors like this?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+"M. Deves, the leading French amateur [tennis] of the day, who
+was beaten in 1914 after 'une tutte &agrave; charn&eacute;,' as the French say,
+will be competing."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind2">The French have a lot to learn about their own language.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+"Dr. &mdash;&mdash; will extract a tooth free from the person who will be kind
+enough to secure him an office in the Central district."</p>
+
+<p class="author1"><i>North China Daily News.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind2">This is presumably meant as an inducement, but it sounds
+like a threat.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page451" id="page451"></a>[pg 451]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/451-1500.png"><img src="images/451-360.png" width="360" height="466" alt="THE GREAT IMPROVISER." /></a>
+<h3>THE GREAT IMPROVISER.</h3></div>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page452" id="page452"></a>[pg 452]</span>
+
+<br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page453" id="page453"></a>[pg 453]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday, June 1st.</i>&mdash;Tempted by the
+fine weather a good many Members had
+evidently determined that the country
+was good enough for them and that
+Westminster could wait. But Viscount
+<span class="sc">Curzon</span> was not of their number. Was
+it not on the glorious
+First of June, a hundred
+and twenty-six
+years ago, that his
+great-great-great-grandfather
+won victory
+for his country
+and immortal fame for
+himself? On such an
+anniversary he was
+obviously bound, no
+matter at what personal
+inconvenience,
+to show a like public
+spirit. Accordingly,
+with a full sense of
+responsibility, he addressed
+to the appropriate
+Minister this
+momentous question:
+"Whether any fried
+fish shops are now the
+property or under the
+control of the Ministry
+of Munitions; and if
+so how many?" The
+House paused in awed
+anticipation of the
+reply, but breathed
+again when Mr. <span class="sc">Hope</span>
+announced that "No
+fried fish shops are
+now nor, so far as is known, were
+ever conducted by the Ministry of
+Munitions."</p>
+
+<p>No other episode of Question-time
+rose to this high level. Next in importance
+to it were Mr. <span class="sc">Baldwin's</span>
+revelations on the subject of "conscience-money."
+It seems that in one
+particular instance it cost the Treasury
+eleven shillings to acknowledge the
+receipt of half-a-sovereign; but that
+was because the dilatory tax-payer insisted
+that the depth of his remorse
+could only be adequately exhibited by
+a notice in the "agony-column." In
+ordinary cases no charge is incurred.</p>
+
+<p>Any conscientious Sinn Feiner who
+may have been fearing lest the recent
+destruction of Inland Revenue offices
+in Ireland should prevent the authorities
+from sending out the usual demand-notes,
+may now forward his contribution
+direct to the Treasury without hesitation.
+Mr. <span class="sc">Baldwin</span> is doubtless relying
+upon the wide adoption of this practice,
+for he stated that, although the damage
+might cause delay in the collection, it
+was not expected that the ultimate yield
+of the tax would be seriously affected.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><a href="images/453-a-800.png"><img src="images/453-a-500.png" width="500" height="435" alt="From left to right:--The Whirlpool of Charybdis; The First Lord of the Admiralty; The Rock of Scylla (Sir Edward Carson)" /></a>
+<p><i>From left to right:</i>&mdash;The Whirlpool of Charybdis; <span class="sc">The First Lord of the Admiralty</span>; The Rock of Scylla (<span class="sc">Sir Edward Carson</span>).</p></div>
+
+<p>The discussion on the Navy Estimates
+was chiefly conducted by Lieut.-Commander
+<span class="sc">Kenworthy</span>, who made
+half-a-dozen set speeches, besides any
+number of informal interjections. To
+place them in order of merit would be
+impossible, but of single passages that
+which perhaps carried most conviction
+with his audience was the description
+of the pre-war Navy as "a sort of
+pleasant service into which the fools
+of the family could be put."</p>
+
+<p>In the discussion on the Navy Estimates
+Rear-Admiral Sir <span class="sc">Reginald Hall</span>,
+resisting a proposal to hand over the
+coastguards to the Board of Trade, surprised
+the House with the apparently
+reactionary statement that "we do not
+want to run the Navy in water-tight
+compartments."</p>
+
+<p>Commander <span class="sc">Bellairs</span>, enforcing the
+point that administration
+must depend
+upon policy, recalled
+the fact that in his
+time "the Mediterranean
+outlook" had
+given way to "the
+North Sea outlook,"
+and expressed the confident
+belief that we
+should next have "the
+Pacific outlook." Well,
+let us hope we may.
+At any rate the House
+agreed with the <span class="sc">First
+Lord</span> that the best
+way to ensure it was
+to keep the Navy
+strong and efficient,
+for by half-past eight
+it had passed all the
+Votes submitted to it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday, June
+2nd.</i>&mdash;Derby Day and
+an adjournment of the
+House of Commons!
+Mr. <span class="sc">Balfour</span> might
+well rub his eyes and
+wonder if there had
+been a revival of the
+Saturnian days when
+Lord <span class="sc">Elcho</span> used annually
+to mount his favourite hobby and
+witch the House with noble horsemanship.
+But on this occasion the adjournment
+lasted only half-an-hour, and had
+nothing to do with Epsom. Chivalry,
+not sport, was its motive. The House
+merely wished to do honour to its
+Leader by assisting at the presentation
+of its wedding gift to Miss <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span>
+(now Lady <span class="sc">Sykes</span>).</p>
+
+<p>At Question-time Lord <span class="sc">Curzon</span> sought
+information regarding the British Naval
+Mission recently captured at Baku, and
+inquired whether the Government intended
+to continue negotiating with
+people who were keeping our men in
+prison. Sir <span class="sc">James Craig</span> could not say
+anything on the question of policy, but
+to some extent relieved the anxiety of
+the House by stating that the last news
+of the prisoners was that they were seen
+playing football.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 320px;"><a href="images/453-b-650.png"><img src="images/453-b-300.png" width="300" height="377" alt="THE CHIEF SECRETARY FOR IRELAND." /></a>
+<h3>THE CHIEF SECRETARY FOR IRELAND.</h3>
+<h4>"No arrests have been made."</h4></div>
+
+<p>The complications of the Peace Settlement
+continue to increase. Thus President
+<span class="sc">Wilson</span> has consented to delimit
+the boundaries of Armenia, although
+the United States shows no desire to
+undertake the mandate for its administration.
+No doubt it is with the kindly
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page454" id="page454"></a>[pg 454]</span>
+intention of helping those dilatory
+Americans to make up their minds that
+Turkey has asked for an extension of
+time before signing the Treaty.</p>
+
+
+
+<p>The placid progress of the Government
+of Ireland Bill through Committee
+was broken this afternoon when
+Captain <span class="sc">Colin Coote</span> proposed to hand
+over the control of the armed forces of
+the Crown in Ireland to the new Parliaments.
+His argument was in brief
+that these bodies must be given serious
+responsibilities which would compel
+them to unite. He wanted, as he said,
+to "infuse blood into their veins" at
+whatever risk&mdash;<i><span class="sc">Coote</span> que co&ucirc;te.</i></p>
+
+<p>The idea of providing a probably Sinn
+Fein Parliament in Dublin with submarines
+and aeroplanes did not appeal
+to the <span class="sc">First Lord of the Admiralty</span>,
+who was hotly rebuked for his lack of
+imagination by Captain <span class="sc">Elliot</span>. The
+fact that two young Coalitionists should
+have advocated such revolutionary ideas
+inspired another of Sir <span class="sc">Edward Carson's</span>
+gloomy variations on the theme
+that any form of Home Rule must lead
+ultimately to separation.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday, June 3rd.</i>&mdash;Sir <span class="sc">Hamar
+Greenwood</span>, who took his seat on
+Tuesday, answered Irish questions for
+the first time. His manner was as
+direct and forceful as ever, but his
+matter, unhappily, consisted chiefly in
+the admission of unpleasant facts regarding
+recent attacks upon the police,
+with the invariable addition that "no
+arrests have been made."</p>
+
+<p>The hon. baronet who sits for Nottingham
+is so much impressed with the
+necessity for economy that he ought to
+be known as <i>Rees angust&aelig;</i>. But he has
+no luck. Mr. <span class="sc">Fisher</span> offered the "frozen
+face" to his complaints that the State
+is giving free education at the Ministries
+to ex-Service men; and Mr. <span class="sc">Shortt</span> was
+no more sympathetic to his plea that the
+new policewomen should be abolished.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>, looking delightfully
+cool in a new grey suit, made
+a welcome reappearance after some
+weeks' absence. He gave a version of the
+<span class="sc">Krassin</span> negotiations&mdash;which, according
+to his account, had followed exactly
+the course marked out by the Supreme
+Council in Paris and San Remo&mdash;very
+different from that presented in a section
+of the Press, and he implied that the
+alleged perturbation of French public
+opinion only existed in the imagination
+of "certain newspapers which are trying
+to foment ill-feeling between two
+countries whose friendliness is essential
+to the welfare of the world." His most
+satisfactory pronouncement was that
+British prisoners must be released before
+trade with Russia would be resumed.</p>
+
+<p>In spite of the absence of the regular
+Opposition the <span class="sc">First Lord of the
+Admiralty</span> is finding the Government
+of Ireland Bill a rather unhandy vessel
+to steer. He dares not concede too many
+powers to the new Parliaments lest he
+should be putting weapons into the
+hands of our Sinn Fein enemies; on
+the other hand, he cannot reduce them
+overmuch lest the Bill should cease to
+have any chance of conciliating Irish
+sentiment.</p>
+
+<p>The dilemma arose acutely over the
+clause relating to the Irish police.
+When, if ever, should they be handed
+over to the new Government? The
+Bill said not later than three years after
+the appointed day. An amendment
+suggested "not earlier." Sir <span class="sc">Edward
+Carson</span> thought the only fair thing
+would be to allow the police to retire on
+full pay directly the Bill came into force,
+instead of leaving them with a divided
+allegiance and control. Eventually,
+on the Government undertaking to
+modify their proposals, the clause was
+passed; but with so many matters to
+be adjusted on Report it looks as if it
+will be a <span class="sc">Long, Long</span> way to Tipperary.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/454-1500.png"><img src="images/454-600.png" width="600" height="364" alt="'OH, EAST IS EAST.'" /></a>
+<h3>"OH, EAST IS EAST."</h3>
+
+<p><i>Mechanical Transport Officer.</i> <span class="sc">"I told you not to drive fast through
+the bazaar."</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Lorry Driver.</i> <span class="sc">"But, Sahib, these be only very ignorant peoples. ME
+mota driver! If drive slow, these peoples
+think me common person."</span></p></div>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page455" id="page455"></a>[pg 455]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>PERCE MURGATROYD, MASTER BRICKLAYER.</h3>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">By One who knew Him</span>.</h4>
+
+<p>By the untimely death of the late
+Mr. Percival Murgatroyd we suffer the
+irreplaceable loss of our youngest and
+perhaps most talented master bricklayer.
+The story of his life is yet another
+example of genius triumphing over
+adversity. Perce Murgatroyd was born
+in a mean street. His father was a poor
+hardworking physician. Lacking the
+influence necessary for the introduction
+of his boy to some lucrative commercial
+calling he contrived at great self-sacrifice
+to educate him for the Civil Service.</p>
+
+<p>The long hours of grinding toil and
+the complete lack of sympathy at home
+could not extinguish the divine fire of
+genius in the youthful Murgatroyd.
+Exhausted and hungry as he often was
+at the end of the day's work, he devoted
+his leisure to the study of bricks and
+mortar, and out of his scanty pocket-money
+he bought for himself first a
+trowel and later a plummet.</p>
+
+<p>When I first made his acquaintance
+he was already, at the age of twenty-five,
+assisting a bricklayer's helper, and
+was fairly launched on a career of unbroken
+success which was to culminate
+in a master bricklayership at the record
+age of thirty-eight.</p>
+
+<p>Some of the finest things Murgatroyd
+did are to be found in and around
+Tooting, a quarter which is becoming
+known as Murgatroyd's London; but
+there is scarcely a district which does
+not cherish some gem from his trowel.
+At Wanstead Flats, during some reparations
+to "Edelweiss Cottage,"
+there was discovered under the plaster
+a party-wall which proved to be a
+genuine Murgatroyd. It is one of his
+early works, executed with his studied
+reserve of power, and is marred only by
+suggestions of the conventional haste
+of the early Georgian School, from
+which Murgatroyd had not in those
+days completely broken away. It is
+also worth while to make a pilgrimage
+to Walham Green, where all that is
+best and most typical of the Master&mdash;that
+effect he obtained of deliberate
+treatment of each individual brick&mdash;may
+be seen in a perfect little poem&mdash;an
+outhouse (unfinished).</p>
+
+<p>The fame of Perce Murgatroyd is
+founded on the quality rather than the
+quantity of his output. To our eternal
+loss he suffered from a temperament.
+He worked only by fits and starts. He
+never overcame a superstition that
+"Monday was a bad day for good
+work." And he was too conscientious
+an artist to attempt anything on days
+when the sky was overcast and the light
+bad. Often too, when he had actually
+made a start, he would stand, smoking
+furiously, in front of his work waiting
+for an inspiration.</p>
+
+<p>This habit of his was the primary
+cause of his premature end. Emerging
+from some such fit of abstraction he
+became aware that it was after twelve.
+Convivial spirit that he was, he hurried
+to join his colleagues at their dinner,
+displaying remarkable agility as he descended
+the scaffold. But the effort
+caused him to perspire, and he took a
+chill, from which he never recovered.</p>
+
+<p>The keynote of Murgatroyd's character
+was simplicity. Unaided he rose
+to be pre-eminent as a bricklayer, but
+in private life he never became accustomed
+to the exclusive society to which
+by his genius he had won admittance.
+He never quite lost the mincing speech
+of the class from which he sprang, nor
+could he acquire facility in the vigorous
+mode of expression proper to his new
+and exalted station. "Not 'arf" and
+"'Strewf" ever came haltingly to his
+tongue, and to the last he struggled
+painfully with the double negative.</p>
+
+<p>But the same indomitable courage
+which brought him to the top of his
+profession eventually served him in his
+adopted social sphere, and in the end
+he won through.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 350px;"><a href="images/455-1000.png"><img src="images/455-320.png" width="320" height="476" alt="Gwendoline. ''E ain't agoin' to get up for no bun. 'E'd 'ave such an orful lot of up to get.'" /></a>
+
+<p><i>Gwendoline.</i> <span class="sc">"'E ain't agoin' to get up for no bun. 'E'd 'ave such an
+orful lot of up to get."</span></p></div>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page456" id="page456"></a>[pg 456]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>THE BRAIN WAVE.</h3>
+
+<p>I hope William likes it, for he brought
+it on himself. As soon as the sad event
+was announced to me I discussed the
+matter most seriously with Araminta.
+"A situation of unparalleled gravity has
+arisen," I said, "with regard to the
+wedding of William. It is going to be
+carried out at Whittlehampton in top-hats.
+Picture to yourself the scene.
+Waterloo Station full of lithe young athletes
+of either sex arrayed for sports on
+flood and field, carrying their golf-clubs,
+their diabolo spools and their butterfly
+nets, and there, in the midst of them, me
+with my miserable coat-tails, the June
+sun glaring on my burnished topper,
+and in my hands the silver asparagus-server
+or whatever it is that I am going
+to buy for William. I tell you it isn't
+done. They will come round and mock
+me. They will titter at me through
+their tennis-racquets."</p>
+
+<p>"Couldn't you wear a common or
+Homburg hat and carry your other in
+a hat-box?" she suggested in that
+bright helpful way they have.</p>
+
+<p>"Amongst the severe economic consequences
+of the recent great war," I
+replied coldly, "was, if you will take the
+trouble to remember, the total loss of
+my top-hat box."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, why not a white cardboard
+box, then?"</p>
+
+<p>"No power on earth shall induce me
+to stand on Waterloo Station platform
+dandling a white cardboard box," I
+cried. "Waterloo indeed! It would
+be my Austerlitz, my Jena. I should
+never dare to read the works of 'Man
+about Town' again. Besides, what
+about my morning-coat?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I could pin the tails of it up
+inside if you like. Or what about wearing
+an overcoat?"</p>
+
+<p>"Your first suggestion makes me
+despair of women's future position in
+the economic sphere. The second I
+would consider if I could settle the
+hat problem."</p>
+
+<p>And still thinking hard I rang up
+William.</p>
+
+<p>"I suppose you couldn't possibly
+cancel this wedding of yours?" I asked
+when I had explained the <i>impasse</i>.
+Self-centred as usual, he flatly declined.</p>
+
+<p>"Honestly, I don't see the difficulty
+at all," he went on. "I expect you'll
+look a bit of a mug anyhow, and probably
+there'll be lots of people on the
+platform dressed in morning-coats and
+top-hats."</p>
+
+<p>"Nobody leaves London on a Saturday
+morning wearing top-hats," I assured
+him, "nobody. If I were coming
+<i>in</i> to London it would be quite a different
+matter. I might be an officer in
+the Guards, or M. <span class="sc">Krassin</span> proceeding
+to a deputation in Downing Street; but
+going out&mdash;no. Look here, why not make
+it a simple country wedding&mdash;sports
+coats and hayseed in the hair, and all
+that sort of thing?"</p>
+
+<p>"Spats and white vest-slips will be
+worn by all the more prominent guests,"
+he replied firmly.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, hang it, have the thing in
+London, then," I implored, "and I'll
+promise to add the price of the return-fare
+to the cost of your wedding present."</p>
+
+<p>"The bride's parents reside at Whittlehampton,
+and the wedding will take
+place from the home of the bride," he
+answered.</p>
+
+<p>"You got that little bit out of <i>The
+Morning Post</i>," I said. "Couldn't you
+persuade the bride's parents to take a
+house in London? There's one just
+opposite us at only about thirty pounds
+a week. Stands in its own grounds, it
+does, and there's a stag's head in the
+hall. There's nothing like a stag's
+head for hanging top-hats on."</p>
+
+<p>It was no good. You know what
+these young lovers are. Immersed in
+their own petty affairs, they can pay
+no proper attention to the troubles of
+their friends.</p>
+
+<p>William rang off and left me once more
+a prey to harrowing despair. There
+were only three nights before the
+calamity took place, and I had terrible
+nightmares on two of them. In one I
+attended the wedding in a bowler hat
+and pyjamas, with carpet slippers and
+spats. In the other my top-hat was on
+my head and my vest-slip was all right,
+but I tailed off into khaki breeches and
+trench boots. On the third day a gleam
+of light broke and I rang up William
+again.</p>
+
+<p>"I haven't quite settled that little
+hat problem I was talking to you
+about," I told him. "Look here&mdash;can
+you lend me your old top-hat-box?"</p>
+
+<p>"Haven't got one," he replied. "In
+the chaos consequent upon Armageddon
+it somehow disappeared."</p>
+
+<p>I breathed a sigh of relief.</p>
+
+<p>Happily the morning of the wedding
+was cloudy and dull. I wore my oldest
+squash hat and coat and went to
+Whittlehampton carrying my present
+in my hand. As the train arrived the
+sun broke through the clouds, and I
+also emerged from my chrysalis and
+attended the ceremony in all the panoply
+that William's egotism had demanded.
+If it had not been too late to
+get into the list you would have seen
+this entry amongst the wedding gifts:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Herbert Robinson: Leather
+hat-box."</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps if it had been a very full list
+it would have gone on:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Containing unique specimen of
+dappled fawn trilby headwear slightly
+moth-eaten in the crown."</p>
+
+<p>As I explained to William, it is customary
+to give useful rather than
+ornamental gifts nowadays, but I could
+not refrain from adding a small sentimental
+tribute.</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="sc">Evoe</span>.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>THE WESTERN LIGHTHOUSES.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Flashed Lizard to Bishop,</p>
+<p class="i4">"They're rounding the fish up</p>
+<p>Close under my cliffs where the cormorants nest;</p>
+<p class="i4">The lugger lamps glitter</p>
+<p class="i4">In hundreds and litter</p>
+<p>The sea-floor like spangles. What news from the West?"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Flashed he of the mitre,</p>
+<p class="i4">"The night's growing brighter,</p>
+<p>There's mist over Annet, but all's clear at sea;</p>
+<p class="i4">Lit up like a city,</p>
+<p class="i4">Her band playing pretty,</p>
+<p>A big liner's passing. Ay, all's well with me."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Flashed Wolf to Round Island,</p>
+<p class="i4">"Oh, you upon dry land,</p>
+<p>With wild rabbits cropping the pinks at your base,</p>
+<p class="i4">You lubber, you oughter</p>
+<p class="i4">Stand watch in salt water</p>
+<p>With tides tearing at you and spray in your face."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">The gun of the Longships</p>
+<p class="i4">Boomed out like a gong, "Ships</p>
+<p>Are bleating around me like sheep gone astray;</p>
+<p class="i4">There's fog in my channel</p>
+<p class="i4">As thick as grey flannel&mdash;</p>
+<p>Boom-rumble!&mdash;I'm busy; excuse me, I pray."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">They winked at each other</p>
+<p class="i4">As brother to brother,</p>
+<p>Those red lights and white lights, the summer night through,</p>
+<p class="i4">And steered the stray tramps out</p>
+<p class="i4">Till dawn snuffed their lamps out</p>
+<p>And stained the sea-meadows all purple and blue.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i28"><span class="sc">Patlander.</span></p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+"Advertiser has Stole Skin, Russian Sables,
+for Sale."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind2">This is what comes of opening up trade
+relations with the Bolshevists.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p>A provincial firm announces that it
+supplies "distinctive clothing for men."
+And a very necessary thing, too, in
+these days of sex equality.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+"<span class="sc">Ex-Soldier</span> requires Loan of &pound;100. What
+interest? No lenders."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind2">We should have thought "No interest!
+What lenders?" would have been more
+to the point.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page457" id="page457"></a>[pg 457]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<table align="center" width="600" summary="cartoon" border="0" style="border-collapse: collapse;">
+<tr>
+<td class="pics" valign="top"><a href="images/457.png"><img src="images/457-a-1-180.png" width="180" height="244" alt="Squire." border="0" /></a><br />
+<span class="sc">Squire.</span></td>
+
+<td class="pics" valign="top"><a href="images/457.png"><img src="images/457-a-2-184.png" width="184" height="244" alt="Almshouse inmate, late squire." border="0" /></a><br />
+<span class="sc">Almshouse inmate, late squire.</span></td>
+
+<td class="pics" valign="top"><a href="images/457.png"><img src="images/457-a-3-206.png" width="206" height="244" alt="Second under tweeny at the hall." border="0" /></a><br />
+<span class="sc">Second under tweeny at the hall.</span><br />
+(<i>See Squire</i>).</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<table align="center" width="600" summary="cartoon" border="0" style="border-collapse: collapse;">
+<tr>
+<td class="pics" valign="top"><a href="images/457.png"><img src="images/457-b-1-270.png" width="270" height="216" alt="Ploughman homeward plodding his weary way." border="0" /></a><br />
+<span class="sc">Ploughman homeward plodding his weary way.</span></td>
+
+<td class="pics" valign="top"><a href="images/457.png"><img src="images/457-b-2-300.png" width="300" height="216" alt="Village shop proprietor." border="0" /></a><br />
+<span class="sc">Village shop proprietor.</span></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<table align="center" width="600" summary="cartoon" border="0" style="border-collapse: collapse;">
+<tr>
+<td class="pics" valign="top"><a href="images/457.png"><img src="images/457-c-1-193.png" width="193" height="225" alt="Oldest inhabitant." border="0" /></a><br />
+<span class="sc">Oldest inhabitant.</span></td>
+
+<td class="pics" valign="top"><a href="images/457.png"><img src="images/457-c-2-189.png" width="189" height="225" alt="Parson." border="0" /></a><br />
+<span class="sc">Parson.</span></td>
+
+<td class="pics" valign="top"><a href="images/457.png"><img src="images/457-c-3-188.png" width="188" height="225" alt="Bird Scarer (D.S.O., M.C.)." border="0" /></a><br />
+<span class="sc">Bird Scarer (D.S.O., M.C.).</span></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<p class="center">[Among the Americans who will visit us this summer there may be some not
+familiar with our countryside types. Mr. Punch hopes
+the above will be useful.]</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page458" id="page458"></a>[pg 458]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 350px;"><a href="images/458-1000.png"><img src="images/458-330.png" width="330" height="470" alt="The Ex-Plunger. 'Chuck 'orses, my son--they'll be the ruin of yer. I lorst a fortune on the Durby.'" /></a>
+
+<p><i>The Ex-Plunger.</i> <span class="sc">"Chuck 'orses, my son&mdash;they'll be the ruin of yer. I
+lorst a fortune on the Durby."</span></p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>HOW TO PACIFY IRELAND.</h3>
+
+<h4>(<i>By a Student of anti-Coalition Political Psycho-Analysis.</i>)</h4>
+
+<p>The announcement that a child of
+ten years old, recently described by the
+Willesden magistrate as "a remarkable
+example of a child kleptomaniac," has
+been handed over to an eminent specialist
+in psycho-pathology, has not
+yet received the attention that it undoubtedly
+demands. It is true that, in
+the beautifully alliterative phrase of one
+of our contemporaries, "with the exception
+of a penchant for petty peculations"
+the young offender "has always
+been a model girl, industrious and
+truthful," thus justifying the belief of
+the eminent specialist, that he could
+"wipe out the original sin" in her. But
+the child is mother to the woman, and
+those of us who have been gradually and
+conscientiously convinced of the total
+inadequacy of the Government's policy
+towards Ireland, cannot but recognise
+in this experiment an example which
+might be profitably followed in dealing
+with what&mdash;with all due deference to
+Hibernian susceptibilities&mdash;we are reluctantly
+driven to call the irregular
+conduct of certain sections of Irish
+society.</p>
+
+<p>With the exception of a penchant for
+petty pin-pricks at the expense of the
+police, Ireland's behaviour has been
+exemplary in its industry and humanity.
+So averse were a large number of her
+sons from the employment of violence
+in any form that they refused to participate
+in warlike operations against
+the enemy that threatened our common
+Empire. So magnanimous was their
+charity that they found it impossible to
+credit the harsh and unchristian allegations
+levelled at the <span class="sc">Kaiser</span> and his
+countrymen. But it could hardly be
+expected that so high-spirited and
+energetic a race could indefinitely pursue
+a course of inaction. The relentless
+logic which has always been a distinguishing
+feature of the Celt has impelled
+them, since the cessation of formal
+hostilities, to express their disapproval
+of a war waged in their interests by indulging
+in demonstrations&mdash;if so harsh
+a term may be permitted&mdash;directed
+against the <i>r&eacute;gime</i> which has secured
+them immunity from invasion, devastation
+and conscription, and at the same
+time afforded them exceptional opportunities
+for amassing wealth.</p>
+
+<p>It must be reluctantly admitted
+that some of these ebullitions have
+bordered closely on what we may be
+forgiven for describing as indecorum.
+But the motive was undoubtedly a
+generous instinct of self-assertion. Ever
+since the days of <span class="sc">Cain</span>, the first great
+self-expressionist, there have always
+been richly-organised natures to whom
+even fratricide is preferable to the dull
+routine of agricultural life.</p>
+
+<p>None the less it is at least arguable
+that an indefinite extension and expansion
+of the conduct now prevalent in
+the Sister Isle might be fraught with
+consequences not altogether conducive
+to the longevity of the minority. And
+while sad experience has proved the
+futility of legislative panaceas there still
+remain the fruitful possibilities inherent
+in an application of the principles of
+psycho-pathological treatment based
+on the discoveries of <span class="sc">Freud</span>. For our
+own part we are convinced that herein
+lies the only solution of Ireland's discontent.</p>
+
+<p>Therefore let the Government at once
+withdraw all troops and munitions of
+war from Ireland, disband the R.I.C.
+and invite the leaders of the Sinn Fein
+movement and of the I.R.B. to submit
+to a course of psychiatric treatment
+conducted by an international board
+of specialists, from which all representatives
+of the belligerent Powers
+should be excluded, with possibly the
+exception of America. It seems incredible
+that such an offer should be
+refused. If it is we can only patiently
+acquiesce in the optimistic view of the
+famous Celtic chronicler, <span class="sc">Giraldus
+Cambrensis</span>, that Ireland will be ultimately
+pacified just before the Day of
+Judgment&mdash;<i>vix paulo ante diem judicii</i>.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<a name="solution" id="solution"></a>
+
+<h3>THE ART OF POETRY.</h3>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">Solution to Problem on page 446</span>.</h4>
+
+<p class="center">"It comes of my having a sniff."</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page459" id="page459"></a>[pg 459]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/459-1500.png"><img src="images/459-600.png" width="600" height="402" alt="OUR VILLAGE FIRE BRIGADE." /></a>
+<h3>OUR VILLAGE FIRE BRIGADE.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Amateur Engineer</i> (<i>who has burst the boiler and shouted to the driver
+to stop</i>). "<span class="sc">Get out the hose quick! The engine's afire</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3>
+
+<h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4>
+
+<p>From what is known of the tastes of Sir <span class="sc">Ian Hamilton</span>
+it might have been supposed that he wrote his <i>Gallipoli
+Diary</i> (<span class="sc">Arnold</span>) lest his pen-hand should lose its cunning
+while wielding the sword. Indeed he tells us of a rumour
+among his officers "that I spend my time composing poetry,
+especially during our battles." But that he did not write
+for the sake of writing must be clear to anyone who reads
+the book, even if the author had not declared his motive in
+the preface. Here he admits that, though "soldiers think of
+nothing so little as failure," it was in fact the thought of possible
+failure that determined him, at the very start, to prepare
+from day to day his defence. Perhaps this is not quite
+the attitude of one who stakes all upon the great chance.
+In another significant passage of self-revelation he tells us
+how, on a tour of inspection in Egypt, he met <span class="sc">Rupert
+Brooke</span>, "the most distinguished of the Georgians." "He
+looked extraordinarily handsome ... stretched out there on
+the sand, with the only world that counts at his feet."
+Whether in ordinary times the world of art is or is not
+the "only world that counts," I cannot say, but I am
+certain that to a soldier entrusted with an enterprise of so
+great moment the only world that should have "counted"
+at that hour was the world of war. If the chapter
+which describes the failure that followed the landing in
+Suvla Bay exposes the incapacity of some of his officers to
+inspire their men with that little more energy which would
+have ensured a great victory, it seems also to expose a
+certain want of compelling personality in the High Command.
+But of the military questions here raised I make no
+pretence to judge, and in any case judgment has been passed
+on them already. The interest of the diary lies in its appeal
+as a human document. It is the <i>apologia</i> of a man who, for
+all his criticism, often apparently justified, of the authorities
+at home (there are passages which he must surely have suppressed
+if Lord <span class="sc">Kitchner</span> had still been living), sets down
+scarce a word in malice and but few in bitterness of spirit;
+who appreciates at its high worth the devotion and gallantry
+of his officers and men; who, whatever qualities he
+may have lacked for his difficult task, reveals himself as
+loyal at heart and generous by nature.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Miss <span class="sc">Ruth Holt Boucicault</span> (a name with a double
+theatrical association) has written, in <i>The Rose of Jericho</i>
+(<span class="sc">Putnam</span>), a novel of American stage life which I should
+suppose comes as near to being a true picture as such
+stories can. She derives her title from the convenient
+habit of the desert rose of detaching itself from uncongenial
+or exhausted soil, subsiding into a compact mass and
+travelling before the wind to more profitable surroundings.
+It will be admitted that the author has at least hit upon a
+picturesque metaphor for a touring company, which on
+this analogy becomes a very garden of (Jericho) roses.
+Actually, however, she no doubt intended it to apply more
+to the disposition of her heroine, and in particular to her
+power of transferring her young affections, flower, leaf and
+root, from one object to another, with undiminished enthusiasm.
+<i>Sheelah's</i> capacity for being off with the old and
+on with the new is almost preternatural; her progress from
+stage-child to leading lady is accompanied by such various
+essays in unconventional domesticity that the reader may
+well experience a sense of confusion, or at least feel some
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page460" id="page460"></a>[pg 460]</span>
+difficulty in sustaining the first freshness of his sympathy.
+The story is at times almost startlingly American,
+as when the original betrayer of the heroine is excused on
+the ground that, being English, his morality would naturally
+not rise to native level (I swear I'm not laughing&mdash;see
+page 168); and so full of the idiom of the Transatlantic
+stage as to be a perfect <i>vade mecum</i> for visiting mimes from
+this side. For the rest, vivacious, wildly sentimental and
+obviously written from first-hand experience.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>By calling her <i>Potterism</i> (<span class="sc">Collins</span>) "a tragi-farcical
+tract" Miss <span class="sc">Rose Macaulay</span> disarms our criticism that she
+conducts too heavy a discussion from too light a platform. I
+don't think the author of <i>What Not</i> is likely to write anything
+dull, anything I shan't be pleased to read. She has
+a keen eye, a candid soul, a sharp-pointed pen. She is
+deliciously modern. And she dislikes <i>Potterism</i>, which is
+sentimental lack of precision in
+thought. It is much more (or
+much less) than this, but I get
+the definition by inverting a
+phrase of her dedication. <i>Potter</i>,
+by the way, or <i>Lord Pinkerton</i>,
+as he is now, owns a series of
+newspapers "not so good as <i>The
+Times</i> nor so bad as <i>The Weekly
+Dispatch</i>" (guileless piece of
+camouflage this!), and <i>Mrs.
+Potter</i> ("<i>Leila Yorke</i>") is a
+novelist who might have written
+<i>The Rosary</i>. Two of the young
+<i>Potters, Jane</i> and <i>Johnny</i>, though
+they both when up at Oxford
+joined the <i>Anti-Potter League</i>,
+do not thereby escape being
+Potterites. They cling to materialistic
+<i>Potter</i> values. Whereas
+an aristocratic clergyman, a woman
+scientist, a Jew journalist
+(this last an admirable study)
+do in varying degrees contrive
+to avoid the deadly infection.
+This tract needed writing. I
+have a feeling that it could
+be better done and by <span class="sc">Rose
+Macaulay</span>. But it makes excellent
+reading as it is....
+The pachyderm will wince,
+shake himself and be left grinning.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Arnold Palmer</span> derives the title of <i>My Profitable
+Friends</i> (<span class="sc">Selwyn and Blount</span>) from a verse, new to me, in
+which the poet, apparently when launching her wares,
+concludes,</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"But who has pain has songs to sell;</p>
+<p>My Profitable Friends, farewell!"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>which I take to be the pleasantest way in the world of
+calling them pot-boilers. But whether they were so intended
+or not, there can be no question of the very agreeable
+dexterity that Mr. <span class="sc">Palmer</span> brings to the composition
+of his tales. Save for a few experiments (which I should
+call the least successful in the collection) his formula is
+not the episodical "slice of life," with crumbly edges. His
+choice is for the well-made, with usually some ingenious
+little twist at the finish, and (so to speak) a neatly tied bow
+to end all. As an instance of this kind I commend to your
+notice the admirably shaped little yarn called "Two-penn'orth."
+Mr. <span class="sc">Palmer</span> has a pretty wit (perhaps here
+and there a trifle thin), shown nowhere to better advantage
+than in "A Picked Eleven," one of the most entertaining,
+and at the same time human, short stories that I have ever
+read. Further, his tales are essentially of the friendly order,
+and the public will be in fault if they do not also prove
+profitable, since we have none too many writers capable of
+getting such deft results with the same economy of means.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>In most stories constructed on the <i>Enoch Arden</i> principle
+one of the husbands or wives (whichever it may be of whom
+there are too many) is usually a very nasty person. Miss
+<span class="sc">Sophie Cole</span>, in <i>The Cypress Tree</i> (<span class="sc">Mills and Boon</span>),
+makes
+all three of her entangled characters quite attractive; in
+fact, though I fear she would not wish me to say so, I
+really liked the unsuccessful competitor better than the
+winner. Books made up of the little homely things
+which might happen to anybody and distinguished by their
+pleasant atmosphere have been Miss <span class="sc">Cole</span>'s speciality in
+the past; this time she has,
+without abating a jot of her
+pleasantness, added a touch of
+the occult in the shape of an
+old black-letter volume which
+infects everyone who gets possession
+of it with a mildly insane
+determination to keep it.
+An honourable man steals it
+and a nice woman smacks her
+baby for holding it, so you can
+see how really baleful its influence
+must have been when you
+consider that they were both
+Miss <span class="sc">Cole's</span> characters. A very
+little of the occult will excuse a
+good deal of improbability, and
+the small amount that has crept
+into <i>The Cypress Tree</i> does not
+spoil the effect of a truly
+"nice" tale.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p>As an admirer of the <i>Spud
+Tamson</i> books it irks me to
+have to say that <i>Winnie McLeod</i>
+(<span class="sc">Hutchinson</span>) contains too much
+solid sermon to appeal to me.
+I gather that <span class="sc">R. W. Campbell</span>
+wants to show how dangerous
+life may be for a poor and beautiful
+girl, and as a warning <i>Winnie</i>
+can be confidently recommended. But sound and wholesome
+as the preaching is it seems to me more suitable for a
+tract than for a novel. Moreover it is not easy to feel full
+sympathy with a hero who is frankly called an Adonis, who
+"played a good bat at cricket," and also in a strenuous
+rugger match "dropped a beauty through the Edinburgh
+sticks." Altogether the picture suffers from the prodigious
+amount of paint that has been spent on it; yet I am confident
+it will afford edification to many people whose tastes
+I respect but cannot share.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+"Ninety-six per cent. of men employed in the gas undertakings
+voted in favour of a strike. Four per cent. were against such action
+and the neutrals formed an infinitesimal number,"&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind2">A mere cipher, in fact.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+"Required, immediately, man with intimate knowledge of colours
+to call on consumers with ochres from the French Alps."</p>
+
+<p class="author1"><i>Daily Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind2">Personally, we always prefer to consume raw umbers from
+the Apennines.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/460-800.png"><img src="images/460-400.png" width="400" height="462" alt="Customer. 'But if these watches cost ten bob to make...." /></a>
+<p><i>Customer.</i> "<span class="sc">But if these watches cost ten bob to
+make, and you are selling them at the same price,
+where does your profit come in</span>?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Watchmaker.</i> "<span class="sc">We get it repairing them</span>."</p></div>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<br /><br /><br /><br />
+
+<table align="center" summary="note" style="margin-top: 5em;">
+<tr><td class="note">
+<h4>Transcriber's Note:</h4>
+
+<p>Corrections are indicated by a dotted line underneath the correction.</p>
+<p style="margin-top:-1em;">Scroll the mouse over the word and the original text will <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'apprear'">appear</ins>.</p>
+
+<p>Correction:</p>
+p. 1.: 'say' corrected to 'says' ... 'says a Government official.'
+
+
+</td></tr></table>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 158, JUNE 9, 1920***</p>
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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158,
+June 9, 1920, by Various, Edited by Sir Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, June 9, 1920
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: January 29, 2010  [eBook #31119]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 158, JUNE 9, 1920***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 31119-h.htm or 31119-h.zip:
+      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/31119/31119-h/31119-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/31119/31119-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOLUME 158, Jan-Jul 1920
+
+JUNE 9, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+Owing to heavy storms the other day one thousand London telephones
+were thrown out of order. Very few subscribers noticed the difference.
+
+* * *
+
+A camera capable of photographing the most rapid moving objects in the
+world is the latest invention of an American. There is some talk of
+his trying to photograph a bricklayer whizzing along at his work.
+
+* * *
+
+"Perjury is now rampant in all our Courts and there seems to be no
+way of preventing it," declares a well-known judge. Surely if they did
+away with the oath this grievance would soon disappear.
+
+* * *
+
+"With goodwill on both sides," said Lord ROTHSCHILD recently, "the
+Jews will make a success of colonising their own country." There will
+have to be assets as well as goodwill, it is thought, if they are to
+be made to feel thoroughly at home.
+
+* * *
+
+Mr. GEORGE BEER, the man who built the first glass houses in this
+country, has died at Worthing. The man who threw the first stone
+from inside has not yet been identified, but suspicion points to Sir
+FREDERICK BANBURY.
+
+* * *
+
+When the police order you to move on, said the Thames magistrate,
+it is better to go in the long run. Others declare that it is quite
+sufficient to melt from view at a businesslike waddle.
+
+* * *
+
+"The only way to get houses," says the Marylebone magistrate, "is to
+build them." The idea of knitting a few seems to have been overlooked.
+
+* * *
+
+We understand that the Scotsman who was injured in the rush outside
+the post-office on the last night of the three-halfpenny postage, is
+now able to get about with the help of a stick.
+
+* * *
+
+New motor vehicles to take the place of the "Black Marias" are
+now being used between Brixton Gaol and Bow Street. Customers who
+contemplate arrest should book early to avoid the congestion.
+
+* * *
+
+Signor MARCONI has failed to get into touch with Mars. At the same
+time we are asked to deny the rumour that communication has been
+established between Lord NORTHCLIFFE and the PREMIER.
+
+* * *
+
+"Comedians," says a stage paper, "are born, not made." This disposes
+of the impression that too many of them do it on purpose.
+
+* * *
+
+[Illustration: _Flapper._ "OH--AND I WANT SOME PEROXIDE. ER--IT'S FOR
+CLEANING HAIRBRUSHES, ISN'T IT?"]
+
+* * *
+
+It has been established in the Court of Appeal that the farther north
+you go the larger are people's feet. Surprise has been expressed at
+the comparatively small number of Metropolitan policemen who hail from
+Spitzbergen.
+
+* * *
+
+SYDNEY RICHARDSON, the London messenger-boy who went to America for
+Mr. DAREWSKI, has just returned. It is said that one American wanted
+to keep him as a souvenir and offered him a job as a paper-weight for
+his desk.
+
+* * *
+
+The Trafalgar Hotel, Greenwich, famous of old for its whitebait
+dinners, has been turned into a Trades Union Club. The report that the
+Parliamentary Labour Party has decided to preserve the traditions
+of the place by holding an annual red herring supper there is not
+confirmed.
+
+* * *
+
+A certain brass band in Hertfordshire now practises in the evening on
+the flat roof of a large factory. We understand that the Union of Cat
+Musicians are taking a serious view of the matter.
+
+* * *
+
+A vagrant was before the magistrate last week, charged with tearing
+his clothes and destroying all the buttons on them whilst in a
+workhouse ward. It is not known at what laundry he served his
+apprenticeship.
+
+* * *
+
+After announcing that the fox which had been causing severe losses to
+poultry had at last been killed a local paper admits that the wanton
+destruction of fowls is still going on. It is thought that another fox
+of the same name was killed in error.
+
+* * *
+
+"The Irish will take nothing that we can offer them," says a
+Government official. Outside of that they seem to take pretty much
+what they want.
+
+* * *
+
+We think that the attention of the N.S.P.C.C. should be drawn to the
+fact that several stall-holders on the beach of a popular seaside town
+are offering ices at twopence each, or twelve for one-and-six.
+
+* * *
+
+A man was charged at the South Western Police Court with throwing a
+sandwich at a waiter. Very thoughtless. He might have broken it.
+
+* * *
+
+A new instrument for measuring whiskey is announced. The last
+whiskey we ordered seemed to have been squirted into the glass with a
+hypodermic syringe.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Bull-dog Breed.
+
+"H. Prew, b Staples, c L. Mitchell, c Ryland, b Rajendrasinhji,
+17."--_Daily Paper._
+
+The gallant fellow doesn't seem to have known when he was beaten.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wanted, thoroughly capable Woman, to take management of
+    canteen; one with knowledge of ambulance work preferred."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+A "wet" canteen, presumably.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE."
+
+    ["A Skilled Labourer," writing to _The Times_, speaks of "the
+    extremists" among the working classes as "cherishing a belief
+    that the intelligence of educated persons is declining."]
+
+  Doubtless, my Masters, you are right
+  As to the lore which they delight
+    To teach at Cambridge College;
+  Contented with a classic tone,
+  Those useful arts we left alone
+  By which we might have held our own
+    Against the Newer Knowledge.
+
+  Even if I could still retain
+  The ethics which my early brain
+    Imbibed from ARISTOTLE,
+  It would not serve me much to speak
+  His views on virtue (in the Greek)
+  When buying table claret (weak)
+    At ten-and-six the bottle.
+
+  Or when my tailor claims his loot
+  Of twenty guineas for a suit
+    Of rude continuations,
+  I must remain his hopeless thrall,
+  Nor would it move his heart at all
+  Could I from JUVENAL recall
+    Some apposite quotations.
+
+  If I engaged a working-man
+  To mend a leaky pot or pan
+    Or else a pipe that's porous,
+  He would not modify his fees
+  For hours and hours of vacant ease
+  Though out of ARISTOPHANES
+    I said a funny chorus.
+
+  I am a failure, it appears;
+  I cannot cope with profiteers
+    Nor with enlightened Labour;
+  Too late I see, on looking back,
+  Where lies the blame for what I lack;
+  Why was I never taught the knack
+    Of beggaring my neighbour?
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CONNOISSEUR'S APPRECIATION.
+
+SHARP RISE OF GREAT BRITAIN IN THE ESTIMATION OF U.S.A.
+
+The first-class carriage was empty. I threw my coat into a corner
+and settled myself in the seat opposite. Just as the train started to
+move, the door was flung open and a tall lean body hurled itself
+into the compartment and dropped on my coat. He was followed
+instantaneously by a leather bag which crashed on to the floor.
+
+"Say, these cars pull out pretty slick."
+
+My intelligence at once conjectured that this was an American, one of
+the thousands who have lately taken advantage of the exchange to spy
+out the nakedness of our land.
+
+I must admit that I understand American only with great difficulty. I
+try to guess the meaning of each sentence from the unimportant words
+which I can interpret. I surmised somehow that his speech referred to
+the bag on the floor.
+
+So I answered, civilly enough, "I hope your bag is undamaged. Excuse
+me, I will relieve you of my coat." So saying, I pulled it from
+beneath him and with a single movement flung it on the rack over my
+own head.
+
+The stranger spoke again after some moments. He appeared to have spent
+the interval in repeating my words to himself, as though to grasp
+their meaning. Yet, heaven knows, I speak plainly enough.
+
+This time he said, "Guess my grip's O.K. But I ain't plunkin' my bucks
+on the guy that says the old country's in the sweet and peaceful."
+
+After this most extraordinary and unintelligible communication he
+began to feel his pockets and his person all over, as though searching
+for something. I felt myself at liberty to resume my study of _The
+Spectator_.
+
+However, I was not to be left alone. Again he addressed me. "Guess I
+gotta hand it to you."
+
+"I beg your pardon," I observed, lowering my paper.
+
+"You've got 'em all whipped blocks," he went on, his absurd smile
+still persisting. "You're a cracker jack, you're a smart aleck. You've
+done to me what the fire did to the furnishing shack. You've dealt me
+one in the spaghetti joint. Oh, I gotta hand it to you."
+
+I could understand little of the words, but I gathered from his manner
+that he was congratulating me on something in the extravagant but
+interesting fashion of the North-American tribes.
+
+"You sure put the monkey-wrench on me," he continued. "You make me
+feel like I couldn't operate a pea-nut stand. I'm the rube from the
+back-blocks, sure thing. I ain't going to holler any--not me. I'm real
+pleased to get acquainted. Shake."
+
+I took his hand with as little self-consciousness as possible, not
+yet having been able to understand what praiseworthy act I had
+accomplished. I must admit none the less that I felt vaguely pleased
+at his encomiums.
+
+"There was a guy way back in Nevada used to have a style like yours.
+They called him Happy Cloud Sim, and he had a hand like a ham.
+See that grip? Well, Sir, Sim 'ud come right in here, lay his hand
+somewheres about, and that grip 'ud vanish into the sweet eternal. You
+could search the hull of the cars from caboose to fire-box and nary
+a grip. He was an artist. Poor Sim, he overreached himself in Albany,
+trying to attach a cash-register. The blame thing started ringing a
+bell and shedding tickets all along the sidewalk. The sleuths just
+paper-chased him through the burg. He was easy meat for the calaboose
+that Fall."
+
+I was at a loss to understand the relevance of this extremely
+improbable narrative. It did not appear, on the face of it,
+complimentary to connect me with a declared thief and gaol-bird. Still
+it was my duty to be courteous to one who was for the time a national
+guest.
+
+"A most interesting story," I remarked, "and one which has the further
+advantage of conveying a moral lesson."
+
+"But you got Sim beat ten blocks," he resumed. "The way you threw your
+top-coat up made Sim look like a last year's made-over. I never set
+eyes on a dry-goods clerk as could fix a package slicker. I'll have a
+lil something to tell the home town."
+
+He looked out of the window. "Guess this is Harrow," he remarked, "and
+we're pulling into the deepo. I may as well have my wad back."
+
+So saying he put his hand into the folds of the coat over my head and
+withdrew a roll of notes fastened with a rubber band. This roll he
+then stuffed into his hip-pocket. I began to see the meaning of his
+insinuations.
+
+"If you think," said I indignantly, "that I saw you drop your notes
+and deliberately rolled them up in the coat----"
+
+"Nix on that stuff," he retorted jovially. "I know them dollar-bills;
+they kinder skin theirselves off the wad and when you come to pay the
+bartender they've hit the trail and you stand lonesome with a bitter
+taste in your mouth, like LOT's wife."
+
+The train stopped; the man stepped out with the unnecessary haste of
+his kind.
+
+"Well, I'm pleased to have met you," he concluded, still smiling
+amiably through the window; "if ever you strike Rapid City, Wis.,
+you'll find me rustling wood somewheres near the saloon. I'd like to
+have got better acquainted, but I promised the folks I'd stop off here
+and get wise as to how boys is raised in your country. They sure grow
+up fine men. I reckon we 're way behind the times in Rapid City----"
+
+The train passed out leaving me speechless with indignation.
+
+It took me some moments to recover my normal balance. Then I confess
+I was delighted to notice that the fellow, in his enthusiasm over the
+alleged lightness of my fingers, had left his precious "grip" behind
+him.
+
+It travelled with me to my destination. I hope it is still travelling.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MORE HASTE, LESS MEAT.
+
+_The Calf_ (_to the Butcher of the Exchequer_). "OH, SIR, IT SEEMS
+SUCH A PITY TO KILL ME. YOU'D GET SO MUCH MORE OFF ME LATER ON."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHEN EXPERTS DIFFER.
+
+_Junior Partner_ (_in syndicate whose operations on the 2.30 race--six
+furlongs--have gone wrong_). "THERE--DIDN'T I TELL YER DIAMOND'S PRIDE
+WAS A FIVE-FURLONG 'ORSE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON APPROVAL.
+
+John looked up from his paper.
+
+"Ah!" he sighed loudly, "how the world progresses."
+
+There was silence. John sighed again.
+
+"How the world progresses," he said a shade louder.
+
+Cecilia and I continued reading.
+
+"Can't _anyone_ ask a question?" asked John peevishly.
+
+"Where do the flies go in the winter-time?" murmured Cecilia without
+looking up.
+
+I was weak enough to laugh. For some reason it annoyed John.
+
+"Go on, go on, laugh!" he spluttered; "you're a good pair, you and
+your sister. Say something else funny, Cecilia, and make little
+brother laugh. What a crowd to have married into! Shrieks of laughter
+at every feeble joke, but as for intelligent conversation----"
+
+"Well, we're reading," said Cecilia; "we don't want intelligent
+conversation."
+
+"There's no need to tell me that. I know it only too well. I haven't
+been married to you for all these years without seeing that."
+
+"'All these years,'" repeated Cecilia, aghast. "The vindictive brute."
+
+
+"And," continued John bitterly, "I say again what I said just now: How
+the world progresses."
+
+"Well, there's no need to keep on saying it, dear old cauliflower," I
+said; "we _know_ it progresses. What are we expected to say?"
+
+"I know," said Cecilia brightly. "_Why?_"
+
+John pulled himself up.
+
+"Because," he said, "they are proposing in the paper here to start a
+system of temporary marriages which can be dissolved if either party
+is dissatisfied after a fair trial. I only wish somebody had thought
+of it--how many?--eight years ago."
+
+Cecilia's jaw dropped. I chuckled.
+
+"You certainly bought that one all right, Cecilia old dear," I said.
+"Can't you manage a witty retort? Try, sister, for the honour of the
+family."
+
+Cecilia pulled herself together.
+
+"Retort?" she said in surprise. "Why on earth a retort, my dear Alan?
+When my husband makes his first really sensible remark for years I
+don't retort, I applaud. If only I had known the sort of man he is
+before I tied myself to him for life! What an actor he would have
+made! Why, before we married----"
+
+"'Nothing was too good for you,'" I encouraged. "Go on, Cecilia."
+
+"Don't interrupt, Alan--nothing was too good for me. Afterwards----"
+
+"Last year's blouses and a yearly trip to the Zoo. Shame!" I said.
+
+"And what about me?" said John. "Haven't I been deceived? Didn't
+you all conspire to make me think she was sweet and good? I remember
+somebody telling me I was a lucky man. I realise now you were all only
+too glad to get rid of her."
+
+"Alan! How can you let him?" said Cecilia with a small scream of rage.
+
+"Come, come," I said, "this family wrangling has gone far enough. You
+_are_ married and you can't get out of it. Make the best of it, my
+children, and be friends."
+
+"Yes," said John sadly, "it is too late now. I must try to bear up;
+but it is hard. If only this scheme had been started a few years
+earlier. If only I could have taken her on approval."
+
+He paused a moment and smiled softly.
+
+"Imagine the scene," he resumed. "'Cecilia,' I should say, 'I have
+given you every chance, but I am afraid you don't suit. For eight long
+years I have suffered from your rotten cooking, your ... extravagance
+... and so on ... _et caetera_ ... and I regret that I must give you
+a month's notice, to take effect as from four o'clock this afternoon.
+You have good qualities. You are honest and temperate and, to some
+extent, not bad looking--in the evening, anyway. Your idea of keeping
+household accounts is atrocious, but, on the other hand, you look
+rather nice in a hammock on a hot summer day. But that is all I can
+say for you. You have not given me the wifely devotion I expected.
+Only last week, when I came home feeling miserable, you sat at the
+piano playing extracts from some beastly revue, when a true wife would
+have been singing "Parted" or even "Roses of Picardy." Again, you
+invariably put our child in front of me in all things, such as the
+last piece of cake or having an egg for tea. I am not jealous of the
+boy, mind you, but I hate favouritism, and I won't play second fiddle
+to Christopher or anyone else.
+
+"'In fact, my dear Cecilia (I use the phrase in its formal sense
+only), not being satisfied that you do all that was promised in the
+advertisement, I have decided to return you without further liability
+and ask for a refund of the cost of carriage. That will be all, thank
+you. You may go.'"
+
+There was a few moments' ominous quiet, and then Cecilia went over the
+top with a roar of artillery and the rattle of machine guns. John put
+up a defensive barrage. Cecilia raked him with bombs and Lewis guns.
+He replied with heavy stuff. The air grew thicker and thicker.
+
+"Shush!" I shouted through the din of battle. "Man and wife to wrangle
+like this! Think of your good name. Think of the servants. Think of
+the child."
+
+Cecilia caught the last phrase and the noise subsided.
+
+"Yes," she said, breathless but calm, "there's the hitch in your
+plans, Master John--the child. If I go I take Christopher with me."
+
+"That you don't. Christopher belongs to me. He is part of my
+estate--in law. You _can't_ take him."
+
+"Can't I?" said Cecilia. "Am I his mother or am I not?"
+
+"Who pays his school-fees?" said John. "What's his name? Whose house
+does he live in?"
+
+Cecilia was gathering herself for another offensive when the door
+opened and Christopher came in.
+
+We looked at him and he paused in embarrassment.
+
+"What are you all looking at me for?" he asked, smiling uneasily; "I
+haven't done anything."
+
+"He belongs to _me_," said Cecilia suddenly.
+
+"He belongs to _me_," said John with decision.
+
+Christopher knows his parents fairly well. "Whatever are you doing?"
+he asked with a chuckle.
+
+"Come here," said John.
+
+Christopher advanced and stood between his mother and his father.
+
+"I don't know what I'm inspected to do," he said.
+
+"Christopher," said John, "to whom do you belong--to your mother or to
+me? Think well, my child."
+
+Christopher wrinkled his nose obediently and thought for a moment.
+
+"Why," he said, his face clearing, "we all b'long to each other."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"'The Heart of a Child,'" I said; "the beautifullest love-story ever
+told. Featuring Little Randolph, the Boy Wonder."
+
+They took no notice. They were all three busy rehearsing the final
+reconciliation scene.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Wife._ "MUST WE ALWAYS 'AVE CHAMPAGNE, 'ARRY? IT
+DON'T REELY SUIT ME."
+
+_The Profiteer._ "OF COURSE WE MUST. THEY MIGHT THINK WE COULDN'T
+AFFORD IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Erudite Contemporaries.
+
+From a special golf correspondent:--
+
+    "I cannot remember the Latin for a daisy, but most
+    emphatically 'Delanda est.'"
+
+_Daily Paper._
+
+O Carthego!
+
+    "'Pol-u-me-tis.' The Greek brings back the thundrous verse of
+    Virgil. Echoes from the twilight of the gods."--_Daily Paper._
+
+Poor old Goetterdaemmerung.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Sex-Problem.
+
+    "White Milking Shorthorn Bull for Sale, L50."--_Farmers'
+    Gazette._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A Good Canvasser wanted for Credit Gentlemen's wear; ready to
+    wear and made to measure clothing."--_Daily Paper._
+
+"One," in fact, "that was made a shape for his clothes, and, if ADAM
+had not fallen, had lived to no purpose."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "To-morrow afternoon, the Dansant, 3 p.m. to 6 p.m. Tickets
+    inclusive 3s. 6d. Dansant (only) 2s. 6d."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+The "the" seems cheap at a shilling.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ART OF POETRY.
+
+II.
+
+In this lecture I propose to explain how comic poetry is written.
+
+Comic poetry, as I think I pointed out in my last lecture, is much
+more difficult than serious poetry, because there are all sorts of
+rules. In serious poetry there are practically no rules, and what
+rules there are may be shattered with impunity as soon as they become
+at all inconvenient. Rhyme, for instance. A well-known Irish poet once
+wrote a poem which ran like this:
+
+    "Hands, do as you're bid,
+  Draw the balloon of the mind
+  That bellies and sags in the wind
+    Into its narrow shed."
+
+This was printed in a serious paper; but if the poet had sent it up
+to a humorous paper (as he might well have done) the Editor would have
+said, "Do you pronounce it _shid_?", and the poet would have had
+no answer. You see, he started out, as serious poets do, with every
+intention of organising a good rhyme for _bid_--or perhaps for
+_shed_--but he found this was more difficult than he expected. And
+then, no doubt, somebody drove all his cattle on to his croquet-lawn,
+or somebody else's croquet-lawn, and he abandoned the struggle.
+I shouldn't complain of that; what I do complain of is the
+_deceitfulness_ of the whole thing. If a man can't find a better rhyme
+than _shed_ for a simple word like _bid_, let him give up the idea of
+having a rhyme at all; let him write--
+
+  Hands, do as you're TOLD,
+
+or
+
+  Into its narrow HUT (or even HANGAR).
+
+That at least would be an honest confession of failure. But to write
+_bid_ and _shed_ is simply a sinister attempt to gain credit for
+writing a rhymed poem _without doing it at all_.
+
+Well, that kind of thing is not allowed in comic poetry. When I opened
+my well-known military epic, "Riddles of the King," with the couplet,
+
+  Full dress (with decorations) will be worn
+  When General Officers are shot at dawn,
+
+the Editor wrote cuttingly in the margin, "Do you say _dorn_?"
+
+The correct answer would have been, of course, "Well, as a matter of
+fact I do;" but you cannot make answers of that kind to Editors; they
+don't understand it. And that brings you to the real drawback of comic
+poetry; it means constant truck with Editors. But I must not be
+drawn into a discussion about them. In a special lecture--two special
+lectures---- Quite.
+
+The lowest form of comic poetry is, of course, the Limerick; but it is
+a mistake to suppose that it is the easiest. It is more difficult to
+finish a Limerick than to finish anything in the world. You see, in a
+Limerick you cannot begin:--
+
+  There was an old man of West _Ham_
+
+and go on
+
+  Who formed an original _plan_,
+
+finishing the last line with _limb_ or _hen_ or _bun_. A serious
+writer could do that with impunity, and indeed with praise, but the
+more exacting traditions of Limerical composition insist that, having
+fixed on _Ham_ as the end of the first line, you must find two other
+rhymes to _Ham_, and good rhymes too. This is why there is so large
+a body of uncompleted Limericks. For many years I have been trying to
+finish the following unfinished masterpiece:--
+
+  There was a young man who said "_Hell!_
+  I don't think I feel very well----"
+
+That was composed on the Gallipoli Peninsula; in fact it was composed
+under fire; indeed I remember now that we were going over the top at
+the time. But in the quiet days of Peace I can get no further with it.
+It only shows how much easier it is to begin a Limerick than to end
+it.
+
+Apart from the subtle phrasing of the second line this poem is
+noteworthy because it is cast in the classic form. All the best
+Limericks are about a young man, or else an old one, who said some
+short sharp monosyllable in the first line. For example:--
+
+  There was a young man who said "_If_----
+
+Now what are the rhymes to _if_? Looking up my _Rhyming Dictionary_ I
+see they are:--
+
+  cliff
+  hieroglyph
+  hippogriff
+  skiff
+  sniff
+  stiff
+  tiff
+  whiff
+
+Of these one may reject _hippogriff_ at once, as it is in the wrong
+metre. _Hieroglyph_ is attractive, and we might do worse than:--
+
+  There was a young man who said "If
+  One murdered a hieroglyph----"
+
+Having, however, no very clear idea of the nature of a hieroglyph I
+am afraid that this will also join the long list of unfinished
+masterpieces. Personally I should incline to something of this kind:--
+
+  There was a young man who said "If
+  I threw myself over a cliff
+      I do not believe
+      _One_ person would grieve----"
+
+Now the last line is going to be very difficult. The tragic
+loneliness, the utter disillusion of this young man is so vividly
+outlined in the first part of the poem that to avoid an anticlimax
+a really powerful last line is required. _But there are no powerful
+rhymes._ A serious poet, of course, could finish up with _death_
+or _faith_, or some powerful word like that. But we are limited to
+_skiff_, _sniff_, _tiff_ and _whiff_. And what can you do with those?
+Students, I hope, will see what they can do. My own tentative solution
+is printed, by arrangement with the Editor, on another page (458). I
+do not pretend that it is perfect; in fact it seems to me to strike
+rather a vulgar note. At the same time it is copyright, and must not
+be set to music in the U.S.A.
+
+I have left little time for comic poetry other than Limericks, but
+most of the above profound observations are equally applicable to
+both, except that in the case of the former it is usual to think of
+the _last_ line first. Having done that you think of some good rhymes
+to the last line and hang them up in mid-air, so to speak. Then you
+think of something to say which will fit on to those rhymes. It is
+just like Limericks, only you start at the other end; indeed it is
+much easier than Limericks, though, I am glad to say, nobody believes
+this. If they did it would be even harder to get money out of Editors
+than it is already.
+
+We will now write a comic poem about Spring Cleaning. We will have
+verses of six lines, five ten-syllable lines and one six-syllable. As
+a last line for the first verse I suggest
+
+  Where have they put my hat?
+
+We now require two rhymes to _hat_. In the present context _flat_ will
+obviously be one, and _cat_ or _drat_ will be another. Our resources
+at present are therefore as follows:--
+
+  Line 1-- ----
+  "  2-- ... flat.
+  "  3-- ----
+  "  4-- ... cat or drat.
+  "  5-- ----
+  "  6--Where have they put my hat?
+
+As for the blank lines, _wife_ is certain to come in sooner or later,
+and we had better put that down, supported by _life_ ("What a life!"),
+and _knife_ or _strife_. There are no other rhymes, except _rife_,
+which is a useless word.
+
+We now hold another parade:--
+
+  Terumti--umti--umti--umti--wife,
+    Terumti--umti--umti--umti--flat;
+  Teroodle--oodle--oodle--What a life!
+    Terumti--oodle--umti--oodle--cat (or drat);
+  Teroodle--umti--oodle--umti--knife (or strife);
+    Where have they put my hat?
+
+All that remains now is to fill in the umti-oodles, and I can't be
+bothered to do that. There is nothing in it.
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Will any gentleman requiring a House-keeper accept two
+    decently brought up boys, age 12 and 8 years? Excellent cook
+    and housekeeper; capable of full control."
+
+    _Daily Paper._
+
+Someone really ought to give these young sportsmen a trial.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES.
+
+THE DOMESTIC SERVANT SHORTAGE.
+
+HOW THE MISSES MARJORIBANKS DE VERE (WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF A
+PERRUQUIER) UPHOLD THE DIGNITY OF HER LADYSHIP THEIR MAMA'S AFTERNOON
+"AT HOMES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_The Visitor._ "BUT YOU SPOIL THE PLACE BY HAVING THE PUBLIC
+INCINERATOR ON THAT HILL OVER THERE."
+
+_The Town Clerk._ "PARDON ME, SIR--THAT IS _MY_ IDEA. IT COMPLETES
+THE RESEMBLANCE TO THE BAY OF NAPLES, WHICH WE INSIST ON IN ALL OUR
+ADVERTISEMENTS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LOQUACIOUS INSTINCT.
+
+Don't you ever know the impulse, when you are idly turning the pages
+of a telephone directory, to ring up some total stranger and engage
+him in light conversation?
+
+I do, quite intensely. In moments of ennui, when there is really
+nothing to do in the office, the fear of discovery alone restrains me.
+I'm not sure that I can rely on the professional secrecy of the girl
+at the exchange. Has she strength of mind to refuse a righteously
+indignant subscriber who demands to know (with imprecations) what
+number has been talking to him?
+
+I could take her into my confidence, I suppose. Only the thing
+oughtn't to be elaborately premeditated; it should be sudden and
+spontaneous, the matter of a happy moment. You get your number and
+say:--
+
+"Hullo! Is that Barefoot and Humpage, the architects? Can I speak to
+Mr. Barefoot--or Mr. Humpage?"
+
+"Mr. Humpage speaking. Who is that, please?"
+
+"Well, I want you to design me a cathedral. By to-morrow afternoon, if
+poss--"
+
+"To design you a what?"
+
+"A cathedral. C-A-T-H---- but I expect you heard me that time. A
+massive structure, you know, chiefly built of stone. As at Salisbury,
+and Ely, and--well, probably you'll know what I mean. Now, as to
+details----"
+
+"Who are you?"
+
+"I? Oh, I'm a collector of these buildings in a small way. But about
+this one we're discussing. Something in the pre-Raphaelite manner, do
+you think--with arpeggios dotted about here and there?"
+
+Of course I don't know what Mr. Humpage would say at this point.
+Therein would lie the fascination of these experiments--to discover
+just what different people would say at that kind of point.
+
+Take Mr. Absalom, for instance, who is described in the Directory as a
+commission agent. How would he express himself, I wonder, if I were
+to ring him up and request him to dispose, on the most advantageous
+terms, of my commission in the Army?
+
+Messrs. Wheable Brothers too. Just the people I've been looking for.
+
+"You're the sand and gravel contractors, aren't you?" I should begin,
+"Well, I know of some sand that badly wants contracting."
+
+"I beg your pardon?"
+
+"Perhaps I had better explain. You see, I always spend my holidays
+at Pipton-on-Sea. This year, in fact, I'm going there in two or three
+weeks' time. Earlier holidays--a splendid movement, what? See railway
+posters. In June the average snowfall is only---- But the point is
+that at Pipton there's a belt of about two miles of sand, even at
+high-tide--several hundred yards, anyhow--and it _does_ spoil the
+bathing so. Now if you could arrange to have this sand contracted to
+half or a third of its present width? Perhaps you'll quote me terms.
+Thank you so much."
+
+Then there's the Steam Packet Company at a neighbouring port. One
+might ask them to supply half-a-dozen small packets of steam for the
+ungumming of envelope-flaps.
+
+I find also in the Directory two or three gentlemen with the surname
+of "George." I could profess to be an earnest Liberal opponent of
+the PRIME MINISTER, accustomed to refer to him by that disrespectful
+abbreviation:--
+
+"Oh, is that Mr. George? Well, Sir, I wanted to have a word with you
+on your handling of the European situation. Now, it's surely obvious
+that the Jugo-Slavs--"
+
+It seems possible that your victim now and then might enter into the
+spirit of the thing and do his best to make the dialogue a success.
+Contrariwise, if you were seeking violent excitements, you would ask a
+retired admiral, let us say, his opinion on the question "Do flappers
+put their hair up too soon?" or some such urgent problem of the day.
+How jolly these promiscuous exercises in conversation might be!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_Biddy_ (_recovering a spoon the morning after the party_). "SURE, ONE
+AV THE GUESTS MUST HAVE HAD A HOLE IN HIS POCKUT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE NEW POLICEMAN.
+
+    ["Increased remuneration is attracting to the force a
+    more intellectual and better class of recruit.... Police
+    administration here is now organised in a more humanitarian
+    spirit than formerly, and a policeman is as much encouraged
+    to prevent the necessity of an arrest as to effect an
+    arrest."--_Sir WILLIAM GENTLE (retiring chief of the Brighton
+    Police Force, unofficially known as "Sir William Gentle's
+    Gentlemen"), interviewed by "The Daily Sketch._"]
+
+  O Robert, in our hours of crime
+  Certain to nab us every time,
+  Or, failing, fill a dungeon cell
+  With someone who does just as well;
+
+  Now you're a gentleman in blue
+  Provided with a princely screw,
+  More is expected of you still;
+  You must _prevent_ us doing ill.
+
+  No longer is it deemed enough
+  To slip the hand within the "cuff,"
+  To trap road-hogs and motor-bikes,
+  Or merely to arrest _Bill Sikes_.
+
+  Thus, when you take position at
+  The window of an empty flat,
+  And _Bill_ arrives to burgle it,
+  Urge him his evil ways to quit;
+
+  Or, posted in a public bar,
+  Where men drink too much beer by far,
+  Before them you might firmly put
+  The arguments of PUSSYFOOT;
+
+  Or, summoned to a scene of strife,
+  Persuade the fellow with the knife
+  By means of tactful reasoning
+  That murder is not quite the thing.
+
+  The world would profit if you took
+  A leaf from out the Parson's book,
+  Becoming a judicious blend
+  Of "guide, philosopher and friend."
+
+  Discard your truncheon for a tract;
+  Strive to admonish ere you act;
+  In Virtue's force enrol recruits
+  And stamp out Belial with your boots.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ITEMS FROM ANYWHERE.
+
+(_After the model of most of the dailies, by our specially unreliable
+news service._)
+
+It is reported that, owing to the present high price of labour, a
+German Zeppelin is to be loaned to the Government to carry out the
+demolition of the nineteen unnecessary City churches.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Arrested on a charge of loitering with felonious intent, Thomas Wrott,
+aged forty, of Featherleigh, Beds, stated that he was building a
+house.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Though the titles of all the pictures in a recent Vorticist exhibition
+were placed by a printer's error opposite to the wrong numbers in the
+catalogue, none of the visitors discovered the mistake.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Strike action is threatened in Manchester by the Amalgamated Society
+of Tyldesleys, several Lancashire wickets having been taken by
+non-union labour.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is reported that Lord FISHER was recently traversing _The Times_
+with a belt of Biblical sentences when a cross-feed occurred, causing
+the action to jam.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A silver salver is to be presented to the Royal Automobile Club in
+token of gratitude by octogenarian villagers of Sussex.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Experienced Cook-General Wanted; comfortable home; liberal
+    outings; wages L40; policeman handy."--_Welsh Paper._
+
+Would it not have been more tactful to say, "Copper in kitchen"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_Disgusted Plutocrat_ (_to partner, who has just missed a fifty-pound
+putt_). "COULDN'T YOU SEE THAT SLOPE AFTER I POINTED IT OUT TO YOU?"
+
+_Partner._ "AFTER YOU'D DONE WAVING THOSE DIAMONDS ABOUT I COULDN'T
+SEE ANYTHING."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR REMEMBRANCE.
+
+  In stone perdurable and bronze austere
+    We have bequeathed the memory of the dead
+    Unto the yet unborn; "'their name,'" we said,
+    "'Liveth for evermore'; each happier year
+  Shall see, we trust, before the unmossed stone
+        Love and Remembrance wed."
+
+  Though from dim hosts that narrow and recede
+    Dear unforgotten eyes salute us still,
+    Look back a moment, make our pulses thrill
+  With the old music, though the festal weed
+  Of Spring be cypress-girt, oblivion
+        Will come, as Winter will.
+
+  Ah, not oblivion drowsing love and pain
+    Into dull slumber; still we can retell
+    How young blithe valour broke the powers of hell;
+  We grope for hands that will not stir again
+  In ours, hear still in every carillon
+        The cadence of Farewell.
+
+  Not these things and not thus do we forget;
+    But the informing spirit, the dream within
+    And the high ardour that was half-akin
+  To ancient faiths and half to hopes not yet
+  Coherent, unperceived are surely gone,
+        Like stars that dawnward set.
+
+  Though "their name liveth," the dream they died to bring
+    Unto fruition eludes our fumbling hold;
+    The Othman riders gallop to their old
+  Red revels, and the seas are darkening
+  Round all the Asian shores, while one by one
+        Depart the sweets of Spring.
+
+  O you whom yet we mourn, for whom the song
+    Of victory and sorrow dies not away,
+    Well is it with you if beyond the grey
+  Islands of sleep that you are met among
+  No world-born memories win. May there be none!
+        We have not remembered long.
+
+  Yet if beyond the sunset's golden choir,
+    Instead of one august enduring sleep,
+    There waits a life where memory shall keep
+  Her ancient force and hope her old desire,
+  Now, even now, on altars cleft and prone
+        Rekindle the pure fire!
+
+  D. M. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SCOUNDREL AND MAN OF LETTERS.
+
+    One of the Prizewinners in Our Article Competition."--_Weekly
+    Paper._
+
+But ought an editor to give away his contributors like this?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "M. Deves, the leading French amateur [tennis] of the day, who
+    was beaten in 1914 after 'une tutte a charne,' as the French
+    say, will be competing."--_Daily Paper._
+
+The French have a lot to learn about their own language.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Dr. ---- will extract a tooth free from the person who
+    will be kind enough to secure him an office in the Central
+    district."
+
+    _North China Daily News._
+
+This is presumably meant as an inducement, but it sounds like a
+threat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE GREAT IMPROVISER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Tuesday, June 1st._--Tempted by the fine weather a good many Members
+had evidently determined that the country was good enough for them
+and that Westminster could wait. But Viscount CURZON was not of
+their number. Was it not on the glorious First of June, a hundred
+and twenty-six years ago, that his great-great-great-grandfather won
+victory for his country and immortal fame for himself? On such
+an anniversary he was obviously bound, no matter at what personal
+inconvenience, to show a like public spirit. Accordingly, with a full
+sense of responsibility, he addressed to the appropriate Minister this
+momentous question: "Whether any fried fish shops are now the property
+or under the control of the Ministry of Munitions; and if so how
+many?" The House paused in awed anticipation of the reply, but
+breathed again when Mr. HOPE announced that "No fried fish shops are
+now nor, so far as is known, were ever conducted by the Ministry of
+Munitions."
+
+No other episode of Question-time rose to this high level. Next in
+importance to it were Mr. BALDWIN'S revelations on the subject of
+"conscience-money." It seems that in one particular instance it
+cost the Treasury eleven shillings to acknowledge the receipt of
+half-a-sovereign; but that was because the dilatory tax-payer insisted
+that the depth of his remorse could only be adequately exhibited by a
+notice in the "agony-column." In ordinary cases no charge is incurred.
+
+Any conscientious Sinn Feiner who may have been fearing lest the
+recent destruction of Inland Revenue offices in Ireland should prevent
+the authorities from sending out the usual demand-notes, may now
+forward his contribution direct to the Treasury without hesitation.
+Mr. BALDWIN is doubtless relying upon the wide adoption of this
+practice, for he stated that, although the damage might cause delay in
+the collection, it was not expected that the ultimate yield of the tax
+would be seriously affected.
+
+[Illustration: _From left to right:_--The Whirlpool of Charybdis; THE
+FIRST LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY; The Rock of Scylla (SIR EDWARD CARSON).]
+
+The discussion on the Navy Estimates was chiefly conducted by
+Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY, who made half-a-dozen set speeches,
+besides any number of informal interjections. To place them in order
+of merit would be impossible, but of single passages that which
+perhaps carried most conviction with his audience was the description
+of the pre-war Navy as "a sort of pleasant service into which the
+fools of the family could be put."
+
+In the discussion on the Navy Estimates Rear-Admiral Sir REGINALD
+HALL, resisting a proposal to hand over the coastguards to the
+Board of Trade, surprised the House with the apparently reactionary
+statement that "we do not want to run the Navy in water-tight
+compartments."
+
+Commander BELLAIRS, enforcing the point that administration
+must depend upon policy, recalled the fact that in his time "the
+Mediterranean outlook" had given way to "the North Sea outlook," and
+expressed the confident belief that we should next have "the Pacific
+outlook." Well, let us hope we may. At any rate the House agreed with
+the FIRST LORD that the best way to ensure it was to keep the Navy
+strong and efficient, for by half-past eight it had passed all the
+Votes submitted to it.
+
+_Wednesday, June 2nd._--Derby Day and an adjournment of the House of
+Commons! Mr. BALFOUR might well rub his eyes and wonder if there had
+been a revival of the Saturnian days when Lord ELCHO used annually to
+mount his favourite hobby and witch the House with noble horsemanship.
+But on this occasion the adjournment lasted only half-an-hour, and
+had nothing to do with Epsom. Chivalry, not sport, was its motive.
+The House merely wished to do honour to its Leader by assisting at the
+presentation of its wedding gift to Miss BONAR LAW (now Lady SYKES).
+
+At Question-time Lord CURZON sought information regarding the British
+Naval Mission recently captured at Baku, and inquired whether the
+Government intended to continue negotiating with people who were
+keeping our men in prison. Sir JAMES CRAIG could not say anything on
+the question of policy, but to some extent relieved the anxiety of
+the House by stating that the last news of the prisoners was that they
+were seen playing football.
+
+The complications of the Peace Settlement continue to increase. Thus
+President WILSON has consented to delimit the boundaries of Armenia,
+although the United States shows no desire to undertake the mandate
+for its administration. No doubt it is with the kindly intention of
+helping those dilatory Americans to make up their minds that Turkey
+has asked for an extension of time before signing the Treaty.
+
+The placid progress of the Government of Ireland Bill through
+Committee was broken this afternoon when Captain COLIN COOTE proposed
+to hand over the control of the armed forces of the Crown in Ireland
+to the new Parliaments. His argument was in brief that these bodies
+must be given serious responsibilities which would compel them to
+unite. He wanted, as he said, to "infuse blood into their veins" at
+whatever risk--_COOTE que coute._
+
+The idea of providing a probably Sinn Fein Parliament in Dublin with
+submarines and aeroplanes did not appeal to the FIRST LORD OF THE
+ADMIRALTY, who was hotly rebuked for his lack of imagination by
+Captain ELLIOT. The fact that two young Coalitionists should have
+advocated such revolutionary ideas inspired another of Sir EDWARD
+CARSON'S gloomy variations on the theme that any form of Home Rule
+must lead ultimately to separation.
+
+_Thursday, June 3rd._--Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD, who took his seat on
+Tuesday, answered Irish questions for the first time. His manner was
+as direct and forceful as ever, but his matter, unhappily, consisted
+chiefly in the admission of unpleasant facts regarding recent attacks
+upon the police, with the invariable addition that "no arrests have
+been made."
+
+[Illustration: THE CHIEF SECRETARY FOR IRELAND. "No arrests have been
+made."]
+
+The hon. baronet who sits for Nottingham is so much impressed with the
+necessity for economy that he ought to be known as _Rees angustae_. But
+he has no luck. Mr. FISHER offered the "frozen face" to his complaints
+that the State is giving free education at the Ministries to
+ex-Service men; and Mr. SHORTT was no more sympathetic to his plea
+that the new policewomen should be abolished.
+
+Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, looking delightfully cool in a new grey suit, made
+a welcome reappearance after some weeks' absence. He gave a version
+of the KRASSIN negotiations--which, according to his account, had
+followed exactly the course marked out by the Supreme Council in Paris
+and San Remo--very different from that presented in a section of the
+Press, and he implied that the alleged perturbation of French public
+opinion only existed in the imagination of "certain newspapers
+which are trying to foment ill-feeling between two countries whose
+friendliness is essential to the welfare of the world." His most
+satisfactory pronouncement was that British prisoners must be released
+before trade with Russia would be resumed.
+
+In spite of the absence of the regular Opposition the FIRST LORD
+OF THE ADMIRALTY is finding the Government of Ireland Bill a rather
+unhandy vessel to steer. He dares not concede too many powers to the
+new Parliaments lest he should be putting weapons into the hands
+of our Sinn Fein enemies; on the other hand, he cannot reduce them
+overmuch lest the Bill should cease to have any chance of conciliating
+Irish sentiment.
+
+The dilemma arose acutely over the clause relating to the Irish
+police. When, if ever, should they be handed over to the new
+Government? The Bill said not later than three years after the
+appointed day. An amendment suggested "not earlier." Sir EDWARD CARSON
+thought the only fair thing would be to allow the police to retire on
+full pay directly the Bill came into force, instead of leaving them
+with a divided allegiance and control. Eventually, on the Government
+undertaking to modify their proposals, the clause was passed; but with
+so many matters to be adjusted on Report it looks as if it will be a
+LONG, LONG way to Tipperary.
+
+[Illustration: "OH, EAST IS EAST."
+
+_Mechanical Transport Officer._ "I TOLD YOU NOT TO DRIVE FAST THROUGH
+THE BAZAAR."
+
+_Lorry Driver._ "BUT, SAHIB, THESE BE ONLY VERY IGNORANT PEOPLES. ME
+MOTA DRIVER! IF DRIVE SLOW, THESE PEOPLES THINK ME COMMON PERSON."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PERCE MURGATROYD, MASTER BRICKLAYER.
+
+BY ONE WHO KNEW HIM.
+
+By the untimely death of the late Mr. Percival Murgatroyd we suffer
+the irreplaceable loss of our youngest and perhaps most talented
+master bricklayer. The story of his life is yet another example of
+genius triumphing over adversity. Perce Murgatroyd was born in a
+mean street. His father was a poor hardworking physician. Lacking the
+influence necessary for the introduction of his boy to some lucrative
+commercial calling he contrived at great self-sacrifice to educate him
+for the Civil Service.
+
+The long hours of grinding toil and the complete lack of sympathy at
+home could not extinguish the divine fire of genius in the youthful
+Murgatroyd. Exhausted and hungry as he often was at the end of the
+day's work, he devoted his leisure to the study of bricks and mortar,
+and out of his scanty pocket-money he bought for himself first a
+trowel and later a plummet.
+
+When I first made his acquaintance he was already, at the age of
+twenty-five, assisting a bricklayer's helper, and was fairly launched
+on a career of unbroken success which was to culminate in a master
+bricklayership at the record age of thirty-eight.
+
+Some of the finest things Murgatroyd did are to be found in and around
+Tooting, a quarter which is becoming known as Murgatroyd's London; but
+there is scarcely a district which does not cherish some gem from
+his trowel. At Wanstead Flats, during some reparations to "Edelweiss
+Cottage," there was discovered under the plaster a party-wall which
+proved to be a genuine Murgatroyd. It is one of his early works,
+executed with his studied reserve of power, and is marred only by
+suggestions of the conventional haste of the early Georgian School,
+from which Murgatroyd had not in those days completely broken away.
+It is also worth while to make a pilgrimage to Walham Green, where all
+that is best and most typical of the Master--that effect he obtained
+of deliberate treatment of each individual brick--may be seen in a
+perfect little poem--an outhouse (unfinished).
+
+The fame of Perce Murgatroyd is founded on the quality rather than
+the quantity of his output. To our eternal loss he suffered from a
+temperament. He worked only by fits and starts. He never overcame a
+superstition that "Monday was a bad day for good work." And he was too
+conscientious an artist to attempt anything on days when the sky was
+overcast and the light bad. Often too, when he had actually made a
+start, he would stand, smoking furiously, in front of his work waiting
+for an inspiration.
+
+This habit of his was the primary cause of his premature end. Emerging
+from some such fit of abstraction he became aware that it was
+after twelve. Convivial spirit that he was, he hurried to join his
+colleagues at their dinner, displaying remarkable agility as he
+descended the scaffold. But the effort caused him to perspire, and he
+took a chill, from which he never recovered.
+
+The keynote of Murgatroyd's character was simplicity. Unaided he rose
+to be pre-eminent as a bricklayer, but in private life he never became
+accustomed to the exclusive society to which by his genius he had won
+admittance. He never quite lost the mincing speech of the class from
+which he sprang, nor could he acquire facility in the vigorous mode
+of expression proper to his new and exalted station. "Not 'arf"
+and "'Strewf" ever came haltingly to his tongue, and to the last he
+struggled painfully with the double negative.
+
+But the same indomitable courage which brought him to the top of his
+profession eventually served him in his adopted social sphere, and in
+the end he won through.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_Gwendoline._ "'E AIN'T AGOIN' TO GET UP FOR NO BUN. 'E'D 'AVE SUCH AN
+ORFUL LOT OF UP TO GET."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BRAIN WAVE.
+
+I hope William likes it, for he brought it on himself. As soon as the
+sad event was announced to me I discussed the matter most seriously
+with Araminta. "A situation of unparalleled gravity has arisen,"
+I said, "with regard to the wedding of William. It is going to be
+carried out at Whittlehampton in top-hats. Picture to yourself the
+scene. Waterloo Station full of lithe young athletes of either sex
+arrayed for sports on flood and field, carrying their golf-clubs,
+their diabolo spools and their butterfly nets, and there, in the midst
+of them, me with my miserable coat-tails, the June sun glaring on
+my burnished topper, and in my hands the silver asparagus-server or
+whatever it is that I am going to buy for William. I tell you it isn't
+done. They will come round and mock me. They will titter at me through
+their tennis-racquets."
+
+"Couldn't you wear a common or Homburg hat and carry your other in a
+hat-box?" she suggested in that bright helpful way they have.
+
+"Amongst the severe economic consequences of the recent great war,"
+I replied coldly, "was, if you will take the trouble to remember, the
+total loss of my top-hat box."
+
+"Well, why not a white cardboard box, then?"
+
+"No power on earth shall induce me to stand on Waterloo Station
+platform dandling a white cardboard box," I cried. "Waterloo indeed!
+It would be my Austerlitz, my Jena. I should never dare to read the
+works of 'Man about Town' again. Besides, what about my morning-coat?"
+
+"Well, I could pin the tails of it up inside if you like. Or what
+about wearing an overcoat?"
+
+"Your first suggestion makes me despair of women's future position in
+the economic sphere. The second I would consider if I could settle the
+hat problem."
+
+And still thinking hard I rang up William.
+
+"I suppose you couldn't possibly cancel this wedding of yours?" I
+asked when I had explained the _impasse_. Self-centred as usual, he
+flatly declined.
+
+"Honestly, I don't see the difficulty at all," he went on. "I expect
+you'll look a bit of a mug anyhow, and probably there'll be lots of
+people on the platform dressed in morning-coats and top-hats."
+
+"Nobody leaves London on a Saturday morning wearing top-hats," I
+assured him, "nobody. If I were coming _in_ to London it would be
+quite a different matter. I might be an officer in the Guards, or
+M. KRASSIN proceeding to a deputation in Downing Street; but going
+out--no. Look here, why not make it a simple country wedding--sports
+coats and hayseed in the hair, and all that sort of thing?"
+
+"Spats and white vest-slips will be worn by all the more prominent
+guests," he replied firmly.
+
+"Well, hang it, have the thing in London, then," I implored, "and
+I'll promise to add the price of the return-fare to the cost of your
+wedding present."
+
+"The bride's parents reside at Whittlehampton, and the wedding will
+take place from the home of the bride," he answered.
+
+"You got that little bit out of _The Morning Post_," I said. "Couldn't
+you persuade the bride's parents to take a house in London? There's
+one just opposite us at only about thirty pounds a week. Stands in its
+own grounds, it does, and there's a stag's head in the hall. There's
+nothing like a stag's head for hanging top-hats on."
+
+It was no good. You know what these young lovers are. Immersed in
+their own petty affairs, they can pay no proper attention to the
+troubles of their friends.
+
+William rang off and left me once more a prey to harrowing despair.
+There were only three nights before the calamity took place, and I had
+terrible nightmares on two of them. In one I attended the wedding in
+a bowler hat and pyjamas, with carpet slippers and spats. In the other
+my top-hat was on my head and my vest-slip was all right, but I tailed
+off into khaki breeches and trench boots. On the third day a gleam of
+light broke and I rang up William again.
+
+"I haven't quite settled that little hat problem I was talking to you
+about," I told him. "Look here--can you lend me your old top-hat-box?"
+
+"Haven't got one," he replied. "In the chaos consequent upon
+Armageddon it somehow disappeared."
+
+I breathed a sigh of relief.
+
+Happily the morning of the wedding was cloudy and dull. I wore my
+oldest squash hat and coat and went to Whittlehampton carrying my
+present in my hand. As the train arrived the sun broke through the
+clouds, and I also emerged from my chrysalis and attended the ceremony
+in all the panoply that William's egotism had demanded. If it had
+not been too late to get into the list you would have seen this entry
+amongst the wedding gifts:--
+
+"Mr. Herbert Robinson: Leather hat-box."
+
+Perhaps if it had been a very full list it would have gone on:--
+
+"Containing unique specimen of dappled fawn trilby headwear slightly
+moth-eaten in the crown."
+
+As I explained to William, it is customary to give useful rather than
+ornamental gifts nowadays, but I could not refrain from adding a small
+sentimental tribute.
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WESTERN LIGHTHOUSES.
+
+      Flashed Lizard to Bishop,
+      "They're rounding the fish up
+  Close under my cliffs where the cormorants nest;
+      The lugger lamps glitter
+      In hundreds and litter
+  The sea-floor like spangles. What news from the West?"
+
+      Flashed he of the mitre,
+      "The night's growing brighter,
+  There's mist over Annet, but all's clear at sea;
+      Lit up like a city,
+      Her band playing pretty,
+  A big liner's passing. Ay, all's well with me."
+
+      Flashed Wolf to Round Island,
+      "Oh, you upon dry land,
+  With wild rabbits cropping the pinks at your base,
+      You lubber, you oughter
+      Stand watch in salt water
+  With tides tearing at you and spray in your face."
+
+      The gun of the Longships
+      Boomed out like a gong, "Ships
+  Are bleating around me like sheep gone astray;
+      There's fog in my channel
+      As thick as grey flannel--
+  Boom-rumble!--I'm busy; excuse me, I pray."
+
+      They winked at each other
+      As brother to brother,
+  Those red lights and white lights, the summer night through,
+      And steered the stray tramps out
+      Till dawn snuffed their lamps out
+  And stained the sea-meadows all purple and blue.
+
+  PATLANDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Advertiser has Stole Skin, Russian Sables, for Sale."--_Daily
+    Paper._
+
+This is what comes of opening up trade relations with the Bolshevists.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A provincial firm announces that it supplies "distinctive clothing for
+men." And a very necessary thing, too, in these days of sex equality.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "EX-SOLDIER requires Loan of L100. What interest? No
+    lenders."--_Daily Paper._
+
+We should have thought "No interest! What lenders?" would have been
+more to the point.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SQUIRE.]
+
+[Illustration: ALMSHOUSE INMATE, LATE SQUIRE.]
+
+[Illustration: SECOND UNDER TWEENY AT THE HALL. (_See Squire_).]
+
+[Illustration: PLOUGHMAN HOMEWARD PLODDING HIS WEARY WAY.]
+
+[Illustration: VILLAGE SHOP PROPRIETOR.]
+
+[Illustration: OLDEST INHABITANT.]
+
+[Illustration: PARSON.]
+
+[Illustration: BIRD SCARER (D.S.O., M.C.).]
+
+[Among the Americans who will visit us this summer there may be some
+not familiar with our countryside types. Mr. Punch hopes the above
+will be useful.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration:
+
+_The Ex-Plunger._ "CHUCK 'ORSES, MY SON--THEY'LL BE THE RUIN OF YER. I
+LORST A FORTUNE ON THE DURBY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO PACIFY IRELAND.
+
+(_By a Student of anti-Coalition Political Psycho-Analysis._)
+
+The announcement that a child of ten years old, recently described
+by the Willesden magistrate as "a remarkable example of a child
+kleptomaniac," has been handed over to an eminent specialist
+in psycho-pathology, has not yet received the attention that it
+undoubtedly demands. It is true that, in the beautifully alliterative
+phrase of one of our contemporaries, "with the exception of a penchant
+for petty peculations" the young offender "has always been a model
+girl, industrious and truthful," thus justifying the belief of the
+eminent specialist, that he could "wipe out the original sin" in her.
+But the child is mother to the woman, and those of us who have been
+gradually and conscientiously convinced of the total inadequacy of
+the Government's policy towards Ireland, cannot but recognise in this
+experiment an example which might be profitably followed in dealing
+with what--with all due deference to Hibernian susceptibilities--we
+are reluctantly driven to call the irregular conduct of certain
+sections of Irish society.
+
+With the exception of a penchant for petty pin-pricks at the expense
+of the police, Ireland's behaviour has been exemplary in its industry
+and humanity. So averse were a large number of her sons from the
+employment of violence in any form that they refused to participate
+in warlike operations against the enemy that threatened our common
+Empire. So magnanimous was their charity that they found it impossible
+to credit the harsh and unchristian allegations levelled at the
+KAISER and his countrymen. But it could hardly be expected that so
+high-spirited and energetic a race could indefinitely pursue a
+course of inaction. The relentless logic which has always been a
+distinguishing feature of the Celt has impelled them, since the
+cessation of formal hostilities, to express their disapproval of a war
+waged in their interests by indulging in demonstrations--if so harsh a
+term may be permitted--directed against the _regime_ which has secured
+them immunity from invasion, devastation and conscription, and at the
+same time afforded them exceptional opportunities for amassing wealth.
+
+It must be reluctantly admitted that some of these ebullitions
+have bordered closely on what we may be forgiven for describing as
+indecorum. But the motive was undoubtedly a generous instinct
+of self-assertion. Ever since the days of CAIN, the first great
+self-expressionist, there have always been richly-organised natures to
+whom even fratricide is preferable to the dull routine of agricultural
+life.
+
+None the less it is at least arguable that an indefinite extension
+and expansion of the conduct now prevalent in the Sister Isle might be
+fraught with consequences not altogether conducive to the longevity
+of the minority. And while sad experience has proved the futility of
+legislative panaceas there still remain the fruitful possibilities
+inherent in an application of the principles of psycho-pathological
+treatment based on the discoveries of FREUD. For our own part we are
+convinced that herein lies the only solution of Ireland's discontent.
+
+Therefore let the Government at once withdraw all troops and munitions
+of war from Ireland, disband the R.I.C. and invite the leaders of
+the Sinn Fein movement and of the I.R.B. to submit to a course
+of psychiatric treatment conducted by an international board of
+specialists, from which all representatives of the belligerent Powers
+should be excluded, with possibly the exception of America. It seems
+incredible that such an offer should be refused. If it is we can
+only patiently acquiesce in the optimistic view of the famous Celtic
+chronicler, GIRALDUS CAMBRENSIS, that Ireland will be ultimately
+pacified just before the Day of Judgment--_vix paulo ante diem
+judicii_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ART OF POETRY.
+
+SOLUTION TO PROBLEM ON PAGE 446.
+
+"It comes of my having a sniff."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR VILLAGE FIRE BRIGADE.
+
+_Amateur Engineer_ (_who has burst the boiler and shouted to the
+driver to stop_). "GET OUT THE HOSE QUICK! THE ENGINE'S AFIRE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+From what is known of the tastes of Sir IAN HAMILTON it might have
+been supposed that he wrote his _Gallipoli Diary_ (ARNOLD) lest his
+pen-hand should lose its cunning while wielding the sword. Indeed
+he tells us of a rumour among his officers "that I spend my time
+composing poetry, especially during our battles." But that he did not
+write for the sake of writing must be clear to anyone who reads the
+book, even if the author had not declared his motive in the preface.
+Here he admits that, though "soldiers think of nothing so little
+as failure," it was in fact the thought of possible failure that
+determined him, at the very start, to prepare from day to day his
+defence. Perhaps this is not quite the attitude of one who stakes
+all upon the great chance. In another significant passage of
+self-revelation he tells us how, on a tour of inspection in Egypt,
+he met RUPERT BROOKE, "the most distinguished of the Georgians." "He
+looked extraordinarily handsome ... stretched out there on the sand,
+with the only world that counts at his feet." Whether in ordinary
+times the world of art is or is not the "only world that counts,"
+I cannot say, but I am certain that to a soldier entrusted with
+an enterprise of so great moment the only world that should have
+"counted" at that hour was the world of war. If the chapter which
+describes the failure that followed the landing in Suvla Bay exposes
+the incapacity of some of his officers to inspire their men with that
+little more energy which would have ensured a great victory, it seems
+also to expose a certain want of compelling personality in the High
+Command. But of the military questions here raised I make no pretence
+to judge, and in any case judgment has been passed on them already.
+The interest of the diary lies in its appeal as a human document.
+It is the _apologia_ of a man who, for all his criticism, often
+apparently justified, of the authorities at home (there are passages
+which he must surely have suppressed if Lord KITCHNER had still been
+living), sets down scarce a word in malice and but few in bitterness
+of spirit; who appreciates at its high worth the devotion and
+gallantry of his officers and men; who, whatever qualities he may have
+lacked for his difficult task, reveals himself as loyal at heart and
+generous by nature.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Miss RUTH HOLT BOUCICAULT (a name with a double theatrical
+association) has written, in _The Rose of Jericho_ (PUTNAM), a novel
+of American stage life which I should suppose comes as near to being
+a true picture as such stories can. She derives her title from
+the convenient habit of the desert rose of detaching itself from
+uncongenial or exhausted soil, subsiding into a compact mass and
+travelling before the wind to more profitable surroundings. It will be
+admitted that the author has at least hit upon a picturesque metaphor
+for a touring company, which on this analogy becomes a very garden of
+(Jericho) roses. Actually, however, she no doubt intended it to apply
+more to the disposition of her heroine, and in particular to her power
+of transferring her young affections, flower, leaf and root, from one
+object to another, with undiminished enthusiasm. _Sheelah's_
+capacity for being off with the old and on with the new is almost
+preternatural; her progress from stage-child to leading lady is
+accompanied by such various essays in unconventional domesticity that
+the reader may well experience a sense of confusion, or at least feel
+some difficulty in sustaining the first freshness of his sympathy. The
+story is at times almost startlingly American, as when the original
+betrayer of the heroine is excused on the ground that, being English,
+his morality would naturally not rise to native level (I swear I'm not
+laughing--see page 168); and so full of the idiom of the Transatlantic
+stage as to be a perfect _vade mecum_ for visiting mimes from this
+side. For the rest, vivacious, wildly sentimental and obviously
+written from first-hand experience.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+By calling her _Potterism_ (COLLINS) "a tragi-farcical tract" Miss
+ROSE MACAULAY disarms our criticism that she conducts too heavy a
+discussion from too light a platform. I don't think the author of
+_What Not_ is likely to write anything dull, anything I shan't be
+pleased to read. She has a keen eye, a candid soul, a sharp-pointed
+pen. She is deliciously modern. And she dislikes _Potterism_, which
+is sentimental lack of precision in thought. It is much more (or much
+less) than this, but I get the definition by inverting a phrase of her
+dedication. _Potter_, by the way, or _Lord Pinkerton_, as he is now,
+owns a series of newspapers "not so good as _The Times_ nor so bad
+as _The Weekly Dispatch_" (guileless piece of camouflage this!), and
+_Mrs. Potter_ ("_Leila Yorke_") is a novelist who might have written
+_The Rosary_. Two of the young _Potters, Jane_ and _Johnny_, though
+they both when up at Oxford joined the _Anti-Potter League_, do not
+thereby escape being Potterites. They cling to materialistic _Potter_
+values. Whereas an aristocratic clergyman, a woman scientist, a
+Jew journalist (this last an admirable study) do in varying degrees
+contrive to avoid the deadly infection. This tract needed writing. I
+have a feeling that it could be better done and by ROSE MACAULAY.
+But it makes excellent reading as it is.... The pachyderm will wince,
+shake himself and be left grinning.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. ARNOLD PALMER derives the title of _My Profitable Friends_ (SELWYN
+AND BLOUNT) from a verse, new to me, in which the poet, apparently
+when launching her wares, concludes,
+
+  "But who has pain has songs to sell;
+  My Profitable Friends, farewell!"
+
+which I take to be the pleasantest way in the world of calling them
+pot-boilers. But whether they were so intended or not, there can be no
+question of the very agreeable dexterity that Mr. PALMER brings to the
+composition of his tales. Save for a few experiments (which I should
+call the least successful in the collection) his formula is not the
+episodical "slice of life," with crumbly edges. His choice is for the
+well-made, with usually some ingenious little twist at the finish,
+and (so to speak) a neatly tied bow to end all. As an instance of this
+kind I commend to your notice the admirably shaped little yarn called
+"Two-penn'orth." Mr. PALMER has a pretty wit (perhaps here and there
+a trifle thin), shown nowhere to better advantage than in "A Picked
+Eleven," one of the most entertaining, and at the same time
+human, short stories that I have ever read. Further, his tales are
+essentially of the friendly order, and the public will be in fault if
+they do not also prove profitable, since we have none too many writers
+capable of getting such deft results with the same economy of means.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In most stories constructed on the _Enoch Arden_ principle one of the
+husbands or wives (whichever it may be of whom there are too many) is
+usually a very nasty person. Miss SOPHIE COLE, in _The Cypress Tree_
+(MILLS AND BOON), makes all three of her entangled characters quite
+attractive; in fact, though I fear she would not wish me to say so, I
+really liked the unsuccessful competitor better than the winner. Books
+made up of the little homely things which might happen to anybody
+and distinguished by their pleasant atmosphere have been Miss COLE's
+speciality in the past; this time she has, without abating a jot of
+her pleasantness, added a touch of the occult in the shape of an old
+black-letter volume which infects everyone who gets possession of
+it with a mildly insane determination to keep it. An honourable man
+steals it and a nice woman smacks her baby for holding it, so you can
+see how really baleful its influence must have been when you consider
+that they were both Miss COLE'S characters. A very little of the
+occult will excuse a good deal of improbability, and the small amount
+that has crept into _The Cypress Tree_ does not spoil the effect of a
+truly "nice" tale.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+As an admirer of the _Spud Tamson_ books it irks me to have to say
+that _Winnie McLeod_ (HUTCHINSON) contains too much solid sermon to
+appeal to me. I gather that R. W. CAMPBELL wants to show how dangerous
+life may be for a poor and beautiful girl, and as a warning _Winnie_
+can be confidently recommended. But sound and wholesome as the
+preaching is it seems to me more suitable for a tract than for a
+novel. Moreover it is not easy to feel full sympathy with a hero who
+is frankly called an Adonis, who "played a good bat at cricket,"
+and also in a strenuous rugger match "dropped a beauty through the
+Edinburgh sticks." Altogether the picture suffers from the prodigious
+amount of paint that has been spent on it; yet I am confident it will
+afford edification to many people whose tastes I respect but cannot
+share.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Ninety-six per cent. of men employed in the gas undertakings
+    voted in favour of a strike. Four per cent. were against
+    such action and the neutrals formed an infinitesimal
+    number,"--_Daily Paper._
+
+A mere cipher, in fact.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Required, immediately, man with intimate knowledge of colours
+    to call on consumers with ochres from the French Alps."
+
+    _Daily Paper._
+
+Personally, we always prefer to consume raw umbers from the Apennines.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Customer._ "BUT IF THESE WATCHES COST TEN BOB TO MAKE,
+AND YOU ARE SELLING THEM AT THE SAME PRICE, WHERE DOES YOUR PROFIT
+COME IN?"
+
+_Watchmaker._ "WE GET IT REPAIRING THEM."]
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+p. 1.: 'say' corrected to 'says' ... 'says a Government official.'
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+158, JUNE 9, 1920***
+
+
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