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diff --git a/31119.txt b/31119.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0a7b5d7 --- /dev/null +++ b/31119.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2201 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, +June 9, 1920, by Various, Edited by Sir Owen Seaman + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, June 9, 1920 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Owen Seaman + +Release Date: January 29, 2010 [eBook #31119] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 158, JUNE 9, 1920*** + + +E-text prepared by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 31119-h.htm or 31119-h.zip: + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/31119/31119-h/31119-h.htm) + or + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/31119/31119-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOLUME 158, Jan-Jul 1920 + +JUNE 9, 1920. + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +Owing to heavy storms the other day one thousand London telephones +were thrown out of order. Very few subscribers noticed the difference. + +* * * + +A camera capable of photographing the most rapid moving objects in the +world is the latest invention of an American. There is some talk of +his trying to photograph a bricklayer whizzing along at his work. + +* * * + +"Perjury is now rampant in all our Courts and there seems to be no +way of preventing it," declares a well-known judge. Surely if they did +away with the oath this grievance would soon disappear. + +* * * + +"With goodwill on both sides," said Lord ROTHSCHILD recently, "the +Jews will make a success of colonising their own country." There will +have to be assets as well as goodwill, it is thought, if they are to +be made to feel thoroughly at home. + +* * * + +Mr. GEORGE BEER, the man who built the first glass houses in this +country, has died at Worthing. The man who threw the first stone +from inside has not yet been identified, but suspicion points to Sir +FREDERICK BANBURY. + +* * * + +When the police order you to move on, said the Thames magistrate, +it is better to go in the long run. Others declare that it is quite +sufficient to melt from view at a businesslike waddle. + +* * * + +"The only way to get houses," says the Marylebone magistrate, "is to +build them." The idea of knitting a few seems to have been overlooked. + +* * * + +We understand that the Scotsman who was injured in the rush outside +the post-office on the last night of the three-halfpenny postage, is +now able to get about with the help of a stick. + +* * * + +New motor vehicles to take the place of the "Black Marias" are +now being used between Brixton Gaol and Bow Street. Customers who +contemplate arrest should book early to avoid the congestion. + +* * * + +Signor MARCONI has failed to get into touch with Mars. At the same +time we are asked to deny the rumour that communication has been +established between Lord NORTHCLIFFE and the PREMIER. + +* * * + +"Comedians," says a stage paper, "are born, not made." This disposes +of the impression that too many of them do it on purpose. + +* * * + +[Illustration: _Flapper._ "OH--AND I WANT SOME PEROXIDE. ER--IT'S FOR +CLEANING HAIRBRUSHES, ISN'T IT?"] + +* * * + +It has been established in the Court of Appeal that the farther north +you go the larger are people's feet. Surprise has been expressed at +the comparatively small number of Metropolitan policemen who hail from +Spitzbergen. + +* * * + +SYDNEY RICHARDSON, the London messenger-boy who went to America for +Mr. DAREWSKI, has just returned. It is said that one American wanted +to keep him as a souvenir and offered him a job as a paper-weight for +his desk. + +* * * + +The Trafalgar Hotel, Greenwich, famous of old for its whitebait +dinners, has been turned into a Trades Union Club. The report that the +Parliamentary Labour Party has decided to preserve the traditions +of the place by holding an annual red herring supper there is not +confirmed. + +* * * + +A certain brass band in Hertfordshire now practises in the evening on +the flat roof of a large factory. We understand that the Union of Cat +Musicians are taking a serious view of the matter. + +* * * + +A vagrant was before the magistrate last week, charged with tearing +his clothes and destroying all the buttons on them whilst in a +workhouse ward. It is not known at what laundry he served his +apprenticeship. + +* * * + +After announcing that the fox which had been causing severe losses to +poultry had at last been killed a local paper admits that the wanton +destruction of fowls is still going on. It is thought that another fox +of the same name was killed in error. + +* * * + +"The Irish will take nothing that we can offer them," says a +Government official. Outside of that they seem to take pretty much +what they want. + +* * * + +We think that the attention of the N.S.P.C.C. should be drawn to the +fact that several stall-holders on the beach of a popular seaside town +are offering ices at twopence each, or twelve for one-and-six. + +* * * + +A man was charged at the South Western Police Court with throwing a +sandwich at a waiter. Very thoughtless. He might have broken it. + +* * * + +A new instrument for measuring whiskey is announced. The last +whiskey we ordered seemed to have been squirted into the glass with a +hypodermic syringe. + + * * * * * + +The Bull-dog Breed. + +"H. Prew, b Staples, c L. Mitchell, c Ryland, b Rajendrasinhji, +17."--_Daily Paper._ + +The gallant fellow doesn't seem to have known when he was beaten. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, thoroughly capable Woman, to take management of + canteen; one with knowledge of ambulance work preferred." + + _Provincial Paper._ + +A "wet" canteen, presumably. + + * * * * * + +"UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE." + + ["A Skilled Labourer," writing to _The Times_, speaks of "the + extremists" among the working classes as "cherishing a belief + that the intelligence of educated persons is declining."] + + Doubtless, my Masters, you are right + As to the lore which they delight + To teach at Cambridge College; + Contented with a classic tone, + Those useful arts we left alone + By which we might have held our own + Against the Newer Knowledge. + + Even if I could still retain + The ethics which my early brain + Imbibed from ARISTOTLE, + It would not serve me much to speak + His views on virtue (in the Greek) + When buying table claret (weak) + At ten-and-six the bottle. + + Or when my tailor claims his loot + Of twenty guineas for a suit + Of rude continuations, + I must remain his hopeless thrall, + Nor would it move his heart at all + Could I from JUVENAL recall + Some apposite quotations. + + If I engaged a working-man + To mend a leaky pot or pan + Or else a pipe that's porous, + He would not modify his fees + For hours and hours of vacant ease + Though out of ARISTOPHANES + I said a funny chorus. + + I am a failure, it appears; + I cannot cope with profiteers + Nor with enlightened Labour; + Too late I see, on looking back, + Where lies the blame for what I lack; + Why was I never taught the knack + Of beggaring my neighbour? + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +A CONNOISSEUR'S APPRECIATION. + +SHARP RISE OF GREAT BRITAIN IN THE ESTIMATION OF U.S.A. + +The first-class carriage was empty. I threw my coat into a corner +and settled myself in the seat opposite. Just as the train started to +move, the door was flung open and a tall lean body hurled itself +into the compartment and dropped on my coat. He was followed +instantaneously by a leather bag which crashed on to the floor. + +"Say, these cars pull out pretty slick." + +My intelligence at once conjectured that this was an American, one of +the thousands who have lately taken advantage of the exchange to spy +out the nakedness of our land. + +I must admit that I understand American only with great difficulty. I +try to guess the meaning of each sentence from the unimportant words +which I can interpret. I surmised somehow that his speech referred to +the bag on the floor. + +So I answered, civilly enough, "I hope your bag is undamaged. Excuse +me, I will relieve you of my coat." So saying, I pulled it from +beneath him and with a single movement flung it on the rack over my +own head. + +The stranger spoke again after some moments. He appeared to have spent +the interval in repeating my words to himself, as though to grasp +their meaning. Yet, heaven knows, I speak plainly enough. + +This time he said, "Guess my grip's O.K. But I ain't plunkin' my bucks +on the guy that says the old country's in the sweet and peaceful." + +After this most extraordinary and unintelligible communication he +began to feel his pockets and his person all over, as though searching +for something. I felt myself at liberty to resume my study of _The +Spectator_. + +However, I was not to be left alone. Again he addressed me. "Guess I +gotta hand it to you." + +"I beg your pardon," I observed, lowering my paper. + +"You've got 'em all whipped blocks," he went on, his absurd smile +still persisting. "You're a cracker jack, you're a smart aleck. You've +done to me what the fire did to the furnishing shack. You've dealt me +one in the spaghetti joint. Oh, I gotta hand it to you." + +I could understand little of the words, but I gathered from his manner +that he was congratulating me on something in the extravagant but +interesting fashion of the North-American tribes. + +"You sure put the monkey-wrench on me," he continued. "You make me +feel like I couldn't operate a pea-nut stand. I'm the rube from the +back-blocks, sure thing. I ain't going to holler any--not me. I'm real +pleased to get acquainted. Shake." + +I took his hand with as little self-consciousness as possible, not +yet having been able to understand what praiseworthy act I had +accomplished. I must admit none the less that I felt vaguely pleased +at his encomiums. + +"There was a guy way back in Nevada used to have a style like yours. +They called him Happy Cloud Sim, and he had a hand like a ham. +See that grip? Well, Sir, Sim 'ud come right in here, lay his hand +somewheres about, and that grip 'ud vanish into the sweet eternal. You +could search the hull of the cars from caboose to fire-box and nary +a grip. He was an artist. Poor Sim, he overreached himself in Albany, +trying to attach a cash-register. The blame thing started ringing a +bell and shedding tickets all along the sidewalk. The sleuths just +paper-chased him through the burg. He was easy meat for the calaboose +that Fall." + +I was at a loss to understand the relevance of this extremely +improbable narrative. It did not appear, on the face of it, +complimentary to connect me with a declared thief and gaol-bird. Still +it was my duty to be courteous to one who was for the time a national +guest. + +"A most interesting story," I remarked, "and one which has the further +advantage of conveying a moral lesson." + +"But you got Sim beat ten blocks," he resumed. "The way you threw your +top-coat up made Sim look like a last year's made-over. I never set +eyes on a dry-goods clerk as could fix a package slicker. I'll have a +lil something to tell the home town." + +He looked out of the window. "Guess this is Harrow," he remarked, "and +we're pulling into the deepo. I may as well have my wad back." + +So saying he put his hand into the folds of the coat over my head and +withdrew a roll of notes fastened with a rubber band. This roll he +then stuffed into his hip-pocket. I began to see the meaning of his +insinuations. + +"If you think," said I indignantly, "that I saw you drop your notes +and deliberately rolled them up in the coat----" + +"Nix on that stuff," he retorted jovially. "I know them dollar-bills; +they kinder skin theirselves off the wad and when you come to pay the +bartender they've hit the trail and you stand lonesome with a bitter +taste in your mouth, like LOT's wife." + +The train stopped; the man stepped out with the unnecessary haste of +his kind. + +"Well, I'm pleased to have met you," he concluded, still smiling +amiably through the window; "if ever you strike Rapid City, Wis., +you'll find me rustling wood somewheres near the saloon. I'd like to +have got better acquainted, but I promised the folks I'd stop off here +and get wise as to how boys is raised in your country. They sure grow +up fine men. I reckon we 're way behind the times in Rapid City----" + +The train passed out leaving me speechless with indignation. + +It took me some moments to recover my normal balance. Then I confess +I was delighted to notice that the fellow, in his enthusiasm over the +alleged lightness of my fingers, had left his precious "grip" behind +him. + +It travelled with me to my destination. I hope it is still travelling. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MORE HASTE, LESS MEAT. + +_The Calf_ (_to the Butcher of the Exchequer_). "OH, SIR, IT SEEMS +SUCH A PITY TO KILL ME. YOU'D GET SO MUCH MORE OFF ME LATER ON."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHEN EXPERTS DIFFER. + +_Junior Partner_ (_in syndicate whose operations on the 2.30 race--six +furlongs--have gone wrong_). "THERE--DIDN'T I TELL YER DIAMOND'S PRIDE +WAS A FIVE-FURLONG 'ORSE?"] + + * * * * * + +ON APPROVAL. + +John looked up from his paper. + +"Ah!" he sighed loudly, "how the world progresses." + +There was silence. John sighed again. + +"How the world progresses," he said a shade louder. + +Cecilia and I continued reading. + +"Can't _anyone_ ask a question?" asked John peevishly. + +"Where do the flies go in the winter-time?" murmured Cecilia without +looking up. + +I was weak enough to laugh. For some reason it annoyed John. + +"Go on, go on, laugh!" he spluttered; "you're a good pair, you and +your sister. Say something else funny, Cecilia, and make little +brother laugh. What a crowd to have married into! Shrieks of laughter +at every feeble joke, but as for intelligent conversation----" + +"Well, we're reading," said Cecilia; "we don't want intelligent +conversation." + +"There's no need to tell me that. I know it only too well. I haven't +been married to you for all these years without seeing that." + +"'All these years,'" repeated Cecilia, aghast. "The vindictive brute." + + +"And," continued John bitterly, "I say again what I said just now: How +the world progresses." + +"Well, there's no need to keep on saying it, dear old cauliflower," I +said; "we _know_ it progresses. What are we expected to say?" + +"I know," said Cecilia brightly. "_Why?_" + +John pulled himself up. + +"Because," he said, "they are proposing in the paper here to start a +system of temporary marriages which can be dissolved if either party +is dissatisfied after a fair trial. I only wish somebody had thought +of it--how many?--eight years ago." + +Cecilia's jaw dropped. I chuckled. + +"You certainly bought that one all right, Cecilia old dear," I said. +"Can't you manage a witty retort? Try, sister, for the honour of the +family." + +Cecilia pulled herself together. + +"Retort?" she said in surprise. "Why on earth a retort, my dear Alan? +When my husband makes his first really sensible remark for years I +don't retort, I applaud. If only I had known the sort of man he is +before I tied myself to him for life! What an actor he would have +made! Why, before we married----" + +"'Nothing was too good for you,'" I encouraged. "Go on, Cecilia." + +"Don't interrupt, Alan--nothing was too good for me. Afterwards----" + +"Last year's blouses and a yearly trip to the Zoo. Shame!" I said. + +"And what about me?" said John. "Haven't I been deceived? Didn't +you all conspire to make me think she was sweet and good? I remember +somebody telling me I was a lucky man. I realise now you were all only +too glad to get rid of her." + +"Alan! How can you let him?" said Cecilia with a small scream of rage. + +"Come, come," I said, "this family wrangling has gone far enough. You +_are_ married and you can't get out of it. Make the best of it, my +children, and be friends." + +"Yes," said John sadly, "it is too late now. I must try to bear up; +but it is hard. If only this scheme had been started a few years +earlier. If only I could have taken her on approval." + +He paused a moment and smiled softly. + +"Imagine the scene," he resumed. "'Cecilia,' I should say, 'I have +given you every chance, but I am afraid you don't suit. For eight long +years I have suffered from your rotten cooking, your ... extravagance +... and so on ... _et caetera_ ... and I regret that I must give you +a month's notice, to take effect as from four o'clock this afternoon. +You have good qualities. You are honest and temperate and, to some +extent, not bad looking--in the evening, anyway. Your idea of keeping +household accounts is atrocious, but, on the other hand, you look +rather nice in a hammock on a hot summer day. But that is all I can +say for you. You have not given me the wifely devotion I expected. +Only last week, when I came home feeling miserable, you sat at the +piano playing extracts from some beastly revue, when a true wife would +have been singing "Parted" or even "Roses of Picardy." Again, you +invariably put our child in front of me in all things, such as the +last piece of cake or having an egg for tea. I am not jealous of the +boy, mind you, but I hate favouritism, and I won't play second fiddle +to Christopher or anyone else. + +"'In fact, my dear Cecilia (I use the phrase in its formal sense +only), not being satisfied that you do all that was promised in the +advertisement, I have decided to return you without further liability +and ask for a refund of the cost of carriage. That will be all, thank +you. You may go.'" + +There was a few moments' ominous quiet, and then Cecilia went over the +top with a roar of artillery and the rattle of machine guns. John put +up a defensive barrage. Cecilia raked him with bombs and Lewis guns. +He replied with heavy stuff. The air grew thicker and thicker. + +"Shush!" I shouted through the din of battle. "Man and wife to wrangle +like this! Think of your good name. Think of the servants. Think of +the child." + +Cecilia caught the last phrase and the noise subsided. + +"Yes," she said, breathless but calm, "there's the hitch in your +plans, Master John--the child. If I go I take Christopher with me." + +"That you don't. Christopher belongs to me. He is part of my +estate--in law. You _can't_ take him." + +"Can't I?" said Cecilia. "Am I his mother or am I not?" + +"Who pays his school-fees?" said John. "What's his name? Whose house +does he live in?" + +Cecilia was gathering herself for another offensive when the door +opened and Christopher came in. + +We looked at him and he paused in embarrassment. + +"What are you all looking at me for?" he asked, smiling uneasily; "I +haven't done anything." + +"He belongs to _me_," said Cecilia suddenly. + +"He belongs to _me_," said John with decision. + +Christopher knows his parents fairly well. "Whatever are you doing?" +he asked with a chuckle. + +"Come here," said John. + +Christopher advanced and stood between his mother and his father. + +"I don't know what I'm inspected to do," he said. + +"Christopher," said John, "to whom do you belong--to your mother or to +me? Think well, my child." + +Christopher wrinkled his nose obediently and thought for a moment. + +"Why," he said, his face clearing, "we all b'long to each other." + + * * * * * + +"'The Heart of a Child,'" I said; "the beautifullest love-story ever +told. Featuring Little Randolph, the Boy Wonder." + +They took no notice. They were all three busy rehearsing the final +reconciliation scene. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Wife._ "MUST WE ALWAYS 'AVE CHAMPAGNE, 'ARRY? IT +DON'T REELY SUIT ME." + +_The Profiteer._ "OF COURSE WE MUST. THEY MIGHT THINK WE COULDN'T +AFFORD IT."] + + * * * * * + +Our Erudite Contemporaries. + +From a special golf correspondent:-- + + "I cannot remember the Latin for a daisy, but most + emphatically 'Delanda est.'" + +_Daily Paper._ + +O Carthego! + + "'Pol-u-me-tis.' The Greek brings back the thundrous verse of + Virgil. Echoes from the twilight of the gods."--_Daily Paper._ + +Poor old Goetterdaemmerung. + + * * * * * + +Another Sex-Problem. + + "White Milking Shorthorn Bull for Sale, L50."--_Farmers' + Gazette._ + + * * * * * + + "A Good Canvasser wanted for Credit Gentlemen's wear; ready to + wear and made to measure clothing."--_Daily Paper._ + +"One," in fact, "that was made a shape for his clothes, and, if ADAM +had not fallen, had lived to no purpose." + + * * * * * + + "To-morrow afternoon, the Dansant, 3 p.m. to 6 p.m. Tickets + inclusive 3s. 6d. Dansant (only) 2s. 6d."--_Provincial Paper._ + +The "the" seems cheap at a shilling. + + * * * * * + +THE ART OF POETRY. + +II. + +In this lecture I propose to explain how comic poetry is written. + +Comic poetry, as I think I pointed out in my last lecture, is much +more difficult than serious poetry, because there are all sorts of +rules. In serious poetry there are practically no rules, and what +rules there are may be shattered with impunity as soon as they become +at all inconvenient. Rhyme, for instance. A well-known Irish poet once +wrote a poem which ran like this: + + "Hands, do as you're bid, + Draw the balloon of the mind + That bellies and sags in the wind + Into its narrow shed." + +This was printed in a serious paper; but if the poet had sent it up +to a humorous paper (as he might well have done) the Editor would have +said, "Do you pronounce it _shid_?", and the poet would have had +no answer. You see, he started out, as serious poets do, with every +intention of organising a good rhyme for _bid_--or perhaps for +_shed_--but he found this was more difficult than he expected. And +then, no doubt, somebody drove all his cattle on to his croquet-lawn, +or somebody else's croquet-lawn, and he abandoned the struggle. +I shouldn't complain of that; what I do complain of is the +_deceitfulness_ of the whole thing. If a man can't find a better rhyme +than _shed_ for a simple word like _bid_, let him give up the idea of +having a rhyme at all; let him write-- + + Hands, do as you're TOLD, + +or + + Into its narrow HUT (or even HANGAR). + +That at least would be an honest confession of failure. But to write +_bid_ and _shed_ is simply a sinister attempt to gain credit for +writing a rhymed poem _without doing it at all_. + +Well, that kind of thing is not allowed in comic poetry. When I opened +my well-known military epic, "Riddles of the King," with the couplet, + + Full dress (with decorations) will be worn + When General Officers are shot at dawn, + +the Editor wrote cuttingly in the margin, "Do you say _dorn_?" + +The correct answer would have been, of course, "Well, as a matter of +fact I do;" but you cannot make answers of that kind to Editors; they +don't understand it. And that brings you to the real drawback of comic +poetry; it means constant truck with Editors. But I must not be +drawn into a discussion about them. In a special lecture--two special +lectures---- Quite. + +The lowest form of comic poetry is, of course, the Limerick; but it is +a mistake to suppose that it is the easiest. It is more difficult to +finish a Limerick than to finish anything in the world. You see, in a +Limerick you cannot begin:-- + + There was an old man of West _Ham_ + +and go on + + Who formed an original _plan_, + +finishing the last line with _limb_ or _hen_ or _bun_. A serious +writer could do that with impunity, and indeed with praise, but the +more exacting traditions of Limerical composition insist that, having +fixed on _Ham_ as the end of the first line, you must find two other +rhymes to _Ham_, and good rhymes too. This is why there is so large +a body of uncompleted Limericks. For many years I have been trying to +finish the following unfinished masterpiece:-- + + There was a young man who said "_Hell!_ + I don't think I feel very well----" + +That was composed on the Gallipoli Peninsula; in fact it was composed +under fire; indeed I remember now that we were going over the top at +the time. But in the quiet days of Peace I can get no further with it. +It only shows how much easier it is to begin a Limerick than to end +it. + +Apart from the subtle phrasing of the second line this poem is +noteworthy because it is cast in the classic form. All the best +Limericks are about a young man, or else an old one, who said some +short sharp monosyllable in the first line. For example:-- + + There was a young man who said "_If_---- + +Now what are the rhymes to _if_? Looking up my _Rhyming Dictionary_ I +see they are:-- + + cliff + hieroglyph + hippogriff + skiff + sniff + stiff + tiff + whiff + +Of these one may reject _hippogriff_ at once, as it is in the wrong +metre. _Hieroglyph_ is attractive, and we might do worse than:-- + + There was a young man who said "If + One murdered a hieroglyph----" + +Having, however, no very clear idea of the nature of a hieroglyph I +am afraid that this will also join the long list of unfinished +masterpieces. Personally I should incline to something of this kind:-- + + There was a young man who said "If + I threw myself over a cliff + I do not believe + _One_ person would grieve----" + +Now the last line is going to be very difficult. The tragic +loneliness, the utter disillusion of this young man is so vividly +outlined in the first part of the poem that to avoid an anticlimax +a really powerful last line is required. _But there are no powerful +rhymes._ A serious poet, of course, could finish up with _death_ +or _faith_, or some powerful word like that. But we are limited to +_skiff_, _sniff_, _tiff_ and _whiff_. And what can you do with those? +Students, I hope, will see what they can do. My own tentative solution +is printed, by arrangement with the Editor, on another page (458). I +do not pretend that it is perfect; in fact it seems to me to strike +rather a vulgar note. At the same time it is copyright, and must not +be set to music in the U.S.A. + +I have left little time for comic poetry other than Limericks, but +most of the above profound observations are equally applicable to +both, except that in the case of the former it is usual to think of +the _last_ line first. Having done that you think of some good rhymes +to the last line and hang them up in mid-air, so to speak. Then you +think of something to say which will fit on to those rhymes. It is +just like Limericks, only you start at the other end; indeed it is +much easier than Limericks, though, I am glad to say, nobody believes +this. If they did it would be even harder to get money out of Editors +than it is already. + +We will now write a comic poem about Spring Cleaning. We will have +verses of six lines, five ten-syllable lines and one six-syllable. As +a last line for the first verse I suggest + + Where have they put my hat? + +We now require two rhymes to _hat_. In the present context _flat_ will +obviously be one, and _cat_ or _drat_ will be another. Our resources +at present are therefore as follows:-- + + Line 1-- ---- + " 2-- ... flat. + " 3-- ---- + " 4-- ... cat or drat. + " 5-- ---- + " 6--Where have they put my hat? + +As for the blank lines, _wife_ is certain to come in sooner or later, +and we had better put that down, supported by _life_ ("What a life!"), +and _knife_ or _strife_. There are no other rhymes, except _rife_, +which is a useless word. + +We now hold another parade:-- + + Terumti--umti--umti--umti--wife, + Terumti--umti--umti--umti--flat; + Teroodle--oodle--oodle--What a life! + Terumti--oodle--umti--oodle--cat (or drat); + Teroodle--umti--oodle--umti--knife (or strife); + Where have they put my hat? + +All that remains now is to fill in the umti-oodles, and I can't be +bothered to do that. There is nothing in it. + +A. P. H. + + * * * * * + + "Will any gentleman requiring a House-keeper accept two + decently brought up boys, age 12 and 8 years? Excellent cook + and housekeeper; capable of full control." + + _Daily Paper._ + +Someone really ought to give these young sportsmen a trial. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + +THE DOMESTIC SERVANT SHORTAGE. + +HOW THE MISSES MARJORIBANKS DE VERE (WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF A +PERRUQUIER) UPHOLD THE DIGNITY OF HER LADYSHIP THEIR MAMA'S AFTERNOON +"AT HOMES."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +_The Visitor._ "BUT YOU SPOIL THE PLACE BY HAVING THE PUBLIC +INCINERATOR ON THAT HILL OVER THERE." + +_The Town Clerk._ "PARDON ME, SIR--THAT IS _MY_ IDEA. IT COMPLETES +THE RESEMBLANCE TO THE BAY OF NAPLES, WHICH WE INSIST ON IN ALL OUR +ADVERTISEMENTS."] + + * * * * * + +THE LOQUACIOUS INSTINCT. + +Don't you ever know the impulse, when you are idly turning the pages +of a telephone directory, to ring up some total stranger and engage +him in light conversation? + +I do, quite intensely. In moments of ennui, when there is really +nothing to do in the office, the fear of discovery alone restrains me. +I'm not sure that I can rely on the professional secrecy of the girl +at the exchange. Has she strength of mind to refuse a righteously +indignant subscriber who demands to know (with imprecations) what +number has been talking to him? + +I could take her into my confidence, I suppose. Only the thing +oughtn't to be elaborately premeditated; it should be sudden and +spontaneous, the matter of a happy moment. You get your number and +say:-- + +"Hullo! Is that Barefoot and Humpage, the architects? Can I speak to +Mr. Barefoot--or Mr. Humpage?" + +"Mr. Humpage speaking. Who is that, please?" + +"Well, I want you to design me a cathedral. By to-morrow afternoon, if +poss--" + +"To design you a what?" + +"A cathedral. C-A-T-H---- but I expect you heard me that time. A +massive structure, you know, chiefly built of stone. As at Salisbury, +and Ely, and--well, probably you'll know what I mean. Now, as to +details----" + +"Who are you?" + +"I? Oh, I'm a collector of these buildings in a small way. But about +this one we're discussing. Something in the pre-Raphaelite manner, do +you think--with arpeggios dotted about here and there?" + +Of course I don't know what Mr. Humpage would say at this point. +Therein would lie the fascination of these experiments--to discover +just what different people would say at that kind of point. + +Take Mr. Absalom, for instance, who is described in the Directory as a +commission agent. How would he express himself, I wonder, if I were +to ring him up and request him to dispose, on the most advantageous +terms, of my commission in the Army? + +Messrs. Wheable Brothers too. Just the people I've been looking for. + +"You're the sand and gravel contractors, aren't you?" I should begin, +"Well, I know of some sand that badly wants contracting." + +"I beg your pardon?" + +"Perhaps I had better explain. You see, I always spend my holidays +at Pipton-on-Sea. This year, in fact, I'm going there in two or three +weeks' time. Earlier holidays--a splendid movement, what? See railway +posters. In June the average snowfall is only---- But the point is +that at Pipton there's a belt of about two miles of sand, even at +high-tide--several hundred yards, anyhow--and it _does_ spoil the +bathing so. Now if you could arrange to have this sand contracted to +half or a third of its present width? Perhaps you'll quote me terms. +Thank you so much." + +Then there's the Steam Packet Company at a neighbouring port. One +might ask them to supply half-a-dozen small packets of steam for the +ungumming of envelope-flaps. + +I find also in the Directory two or three gentlemen with the surname +of "George." I could profess to be an earnest Liberal opponent of +the PRIME MINISTER, accustomed to refer to him by that disrespectful +abbreviation:-- + +"Oh, is that Mr. George? Well, Sir, I wanted to have a word with you +on your handling of the European situation. Now, it's surely obvious +that the Jugo-Slavs--" + +It seems possible that your victim now and then might enter into the +spirit of the thing and do his best to make the dialogue a success. +Contrariwise, if you were seeking violent excitements, you would ask a +retired admiral, let us say, his opinion on the question "Do flappers +put their hair up too soon?" or some such urgent problem of the day. +How jolly these promiscuous exercises in conversation might be! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +_Biddy_ (_recovering a spoon the morning after the party_). "SURE, ONE +AV THE GUESTS MUST HAVE HAD A HOLE IN HIS POCKUT."] + + * * * * * + +TO THE NEW POLICEMAN. + + ["Increased remuneration is attracting to the force a + more intellectual and better class of recruit.... Police + administration here is now organised in a more humanitarian + spirit than formerly, and a policeman is as much encouraged + to prevent the necessity of an arrest as to effect an + arrest."--_Sir WILLIAM GENTLE (retiring chief of the Brighton + Police Force, unofficially known as "Sir William Gentle's + Gentlemen"), interviewed by "The Daily Sketch._"] + + O Robert, in our hours of crime + Certain to nab us every time, + Or, failing, fill a dungeon cell + With someone who does just as well; + + Now you're a gentleman in blue + Provided with a princely screw, + More is expected of you still; + You must _prevent_ us doing ill. + + No longer is it deemed enough + To slip the hand within the "cuff," + To trap road-hogs and motor-bikes, + Or merely to arrest _Bill Sikes_. + + Thus, when you take position at + The window of an empty flat, + And _Bill_ arrives to burgle it, + Urge him his evil ways to quit; + + Or, posted in a public bar, + Where men drink too much beer by far, + Before them you might firmly put + The arguments of PUSSYFOOT; + + Or, summoned to a scene of strife, + Persuade the fellow with the knife + By means of tactful reasoning + That murder is not quite the thing. + + The world would profit if you took + A leaf from out the Parson's book, + Becoming a judicious blend + Of "guide, philosopher and friend." + + Discard your truncheon for a tract; + Strive to admonish ere you act; + In Virtue's force enrol recruits + And stamp out Belial with your boots. + + * * * * * + +ITEMS FROM ANYWHERE. + +(_After the model of most of the dailies, by our specially unreliable +news service._) + +It is reported that, owing to the present high price of labour, a +German Zeppelin is to be loaned to the Government to carry out the +demolition of the nineteen unnecessary City churches. + + * * * * * + +Arrested on a charge of loitering with felonious intent, Thomas Wrott, +aged forty, of Featherleigh, Beds, stated that he was building a +house. + + * * * * * + +Though the titles of all the pictures in a recent Vorticist exhibition +were placed by a printer's error opposite to the wrong numbers in the +catalogue, none of the visitors discovered the mistake. + + * * * * * + +Strike action is threatened in Manchester by the Amalgamated Society +of Tyldesleys, several Lancashire wickets having been taken by +non-union labour. + + * * * * * + +It is reported that Lord FISHER was recently traversing _The Times_ +with a belt of Biblical sentences when a cross-feed occurred, causing +the action to jam. + + * * * * * + +A silver salver is to be presented to the Royal Automobile Club in +token of gratitude by octogenarian villagers of Sussex. + + * * * * * + + "Experienced Cook-General Wanted; comfortable home; liberal + outings; wages L40; policeman handy."--_Welsh Paper._ + +Would it not have been more tactful to say, "Copper in kitchen"? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +_Disgusted Plutocrat_ (_to partner, who has just missed a fifty-pound +putt_). "COULDN'T YOU SEE THAT SLOPE AFTER I POINTED IT OUT TO YOU?" + +_Partner._ "AFTER YOU'D DONE WAVING THOSE DIAMONDS ABOUT I COULDN'T +SEE ANYTHING."] + + * * * * * + +FOR REMEMBRANCE. + + In stone perdurable and bronze austere + We have bequeathed the memory of the dead + Unto the yet unborn; "'their name,'" we said, + "'Liveth for evermore'; each happier year + Shall see, we trust, before the unmossed stone + Love and Remembrance wed." + + Though from dim hosts that narrow and recede + Dear unforgotten eyes salute us still, + Look back a moment, make our pulses thrill + With the old music, though the festal weed + Of Spring be cypress-girt, oblivion + Will come, as Winter will. + + Ah, not oblivion drowsing love and pain + Into dull slumber; still we can retell + How young blithe valour broke the powers of hell; + We grope for hands that will not stir again + In ours, hear still in every carillon + The cadence of Farewell. + + Not these things and not thus do we forget; + But the informing spirit, the dream within + And the high ardour that was half-akin + To ancient faiths and half to hopes not yet + Coherent, unperceived are surely gone, + Like stars that dawnward set. + + Though "their name liveth," the dream they died to bring + Unto fruition eludes our fumbling hold; + The Othman riders gallop to their old + Red revels, and the seas are darkening + Round all the Asian shores, while one by one + Depart the sweets of Spring. + + O you whom yet we mourn, for whom the song + Of victory and sorrow dies not away, + Well is it with you if beyond the grey + Islands of sleep that you are met among + No world-born memories win. May there be none! + We have not remembered long. + + Yet if beyond the sunset's golden choir, + Instead of one august enduring sleep, + There waits a life where memory shall keep + Her ancient force and hope her old desire, + Now, even now, on altars cleft and prone + Rekindle the pure fire! + + D. M. S. + + * * * * * + +"SCOUNDREL AND MAN OF LETTERS. + + One of the Prizewinners in Our Article Competition."--_Weekly + Paper._ + +But ought an editor to give away his contributors like this? + + * * * * * + + "M. Deves, the leading French amateur [tennis] of the day, who + was beaten in 1914 after 'une tutte a charne,' as the French + say, will be competing."--_Daily Paper._ + +The French have a lot to learn about their own language. + + * * * * * + + "Dr. ---- will extract a tooth free from the person who + will be kind enough to secure him an office in the Central + district." + + _North China Daily News._ + +This is presumably meant as an inducement, but it sounds like a +threat. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GREAT IMPROVISER.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Tuesday, June 1st._--Tempted by the fine weather a good many Members +had evidently determined that the country was good enough for them +and that Westminster could wait. But Viscount CURZON was not of +their number. Was it not on the glorious First of June, a hundred +and twenty-six years ago, that his great-great-great-grandfather won +victory for his country and immortal fame for himself? On such +an anniversary he was obviously bound, no matter at what personal +inconvenience, to show a like public spirit. Accordingly, with a full +sense of responsibility, he addressed to the appropriate Minister this +momentous question: "Whether any fried fish shops are now the property +or under the control of the Ministry of Munitions; and if so how +many?" The House paused in awed anticipation of the reply, but +breathed again when Mr. HOPE announced that "No fried fish shops are +now nor, so far as is known, were ever conducted by the Ministry of +Munitions." + +No other episode of Question-time rose to this high level. Next in +importance to it were Mr. BALDWIN'S revelations on the subject of +"conscience-money." It seems that in one particular instance it +cost the Treasury eleven shillings to acknowledge the receipt of +half-a-sovereign; but that was because the dilatory tax-payer insisted +that the depth of his remorse could only be adequately exhibited by a +notice in the "agony-column." In ordinary cases no charge is incurred. + +Any conscientious Sinn Feiner who may have been fearing lest the +recent destruction of Inland Revenue offices in Ireland should prevent +the authorities from sending out the usual demand-notes, may now +forward his contribution direct to the Treasury without hesitation. +Mr. BALDWIN is doubtless relying upon the wide adoption of this +practice, for he stated that, although the damage might cause delay in +the collection, it was not expected that the ultimate yield of the tax +would be seriously affected. + +[Illustration: _From left to right:_--The Whirlpool of Charybdis; THE +FIRST LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY; The Rock of Scylla (SIR EDWARD CARSON).] + +The discussion on the Navy Estimates was chiefly conducted by +Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY, who made half-a-dozen set speeches, +besides any number of informal interjections. To place them in order +of merit would be impossible, but of single passages that which +perhaps carried most conviction with his audience was the description +of the pre-war Navy as "a sort of pleasant service into which the +fools of the family could be put." + +In the discussion on the Navy Estimates Rear-Admiral Sir REGINALD +HALL, resisting a proposal to hand over the coastguards to the +Board of Trade, surprised the House with the apparently reactionary +statement that "we do not want to run the Navy in water-tight +compartments." + +Commander BELLAIRS, enforcing the point that administration +must depend upon policy, recalled the fact that in his time "the +Mediterranean outlook" had given way to "the North Sea outlook," and +expressed the confident belief that we should next have "the Pacific +outlook." Well, let us hope we may. At any rate the House agreed with +the FIRST LORD that the best way to ensure it was to keep the Navy +strong and efficient, for by half-past eight it had passed all the +Votes submitted to it. + +_Wednesday, June 2nd._--Derby Day and an adjournment of the House of +Commons! Mr. BALFOUR might well rub his eyes and wonder if there had +been a revival of the Saturnian days when Lord ELCHO used annually to +mount his favourite hobby and witch the House with noble horsemanship. +But on this occasion the adjournment lasted only half-an-hour, and +had nothing to do with Epsom. Chivalry, not sport, was its motive. +The House merely wished to do honour to its Leader by assisting at the +presentation of its wedding gift to Miss BONAR LAW (now Lady SYKES). + +At Question-time Lord CURZON sought information regarding the British +Naval Mission recently captured at Baku, and inquired whether the +Government intended to continue negotiating with people who were +keeping our men in prison. Sir JAMES CRAIG could not say anything on +the question of policy, but to some extent relieved the anxiety of +the House by stating that the last news of the prisoners was that they +were seen playing football. + +The complications of the Peace Settlement continue to increase. Thus +President WILSON has consented to delimit the boundaries of Armenia, +although the United States shows no desire to undertake the mandate +for its administration. No doubt it is with the kindly intention of +helping those dilatory Americans to make up their minds that Turkey +has asked for an extension of time before signing the Treaty. + +The placid progress of the Government of Ireland Bill through +Committee was broken this afternoon when Captain COLIN COOTE proposed +to hand over the control of the armed forces of the Crown in Ireland +to the new Parliaments. His argument was in brief that these bodies +must be given serious responsibilities which would compel them to +unite. He wanted, as he said, to "infuse blood into their veins" at +whatever risk--_COOTE que coute._ + +The idea of providing a probably Sinn Fein Parliament in Dublin with +submarines and aeroplanes did not appeal to the FIRST LORD OF THE +ADMIRALTY, who was hotly rebuked for his lack of imagination by +Captain ELLIOT. The fact that two young Coalitionists should have +advocated such revolutionary ideas inspired another of Sir EDWARD +CARSON'S gloomy variations on the theme that any form of Home Rule +must lead ultimately to separation. + +_Thursday, June 3rd._--Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD, who took his seat on +Tuesday, answered Irish questions for the first time. His manner was +as direct and forceful as ever, but his matter, unhappily, consisted +chiefly in the admission of unpleasant facts regarding recent attacks +upon the police, with the invariable addition that "no arrests have +been made." + +[Illustration: THE CHIEF SECRETARY FOR IRELAND. "No arrests have been +made."] + +The hon. baronet who sits for Nottingham is so much impressed with the +necessity for economy that he ought to be known as _Rees angustae_. But +he has no luck. Mr. FISHER offered the "frozen face" to his complaints +that the State is giving free education at the Ministries to +ex-Service men; and Mr. SHORTT was no more sympathetic to his plea +that the new policewomen should be abolished. + +Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, looking delightfully cool in a new grey suit, made +a welcome reappearance after some weeks' absence. He gave a version +of the KRASSIN negotiations--which, according to his account, had +followed exactly the course marked out by the Supreme Council in Paris +and San Remo--very different from that presented in a section of the +Press, and he implied that the alleged perturbation of French public +opinion only existed in the imagination of "certain newspapers +which are trying to foment ill-feeling between two countries whose +friendliness is essential to the welfare of the world." His most +satisfactory pronouncement was that British prisoners must be released +before trade with Russia would be resumed. + +In spite of the absence of the regular Opposition the FIRST LORD +OF THE ADMIRALTY is finding the Government of Ireland Bill a rather +unhandy vessel to steer. He dares not concede too many powers to the +new Parliaments lest he should be putting weapons into the hands +of our Sinn Fein enemies; on the other hand, he cannot reduce them +overmuch lest the Bill should cease to have any chance of conciliating +Irish sentiment. + +The dilemma arose acutely over the clause relating to the Irish +police. When, if ever, should they be handed over to the new +Government? The Bill said not later than three years after the +appointed day. An amendment suggested "not earlier." Sir EDWARD CARSON +thought the only fair thing would be to allow the police to retire on +full pay directly the Bill came into force, instead of leaving them +with a divided allegiance and control. Eventually, on the Government +undertaking to modify their proposals, the clause was passed; but with +so many matters to be adjusted on Report it looks as if it will be a +LONG, LONG way to Tipperary. + +[Illustration: "OH, EAST IS EAST." + +_Mechanical Transport Officer._ "I TOLD YOU NOT TO DRIVE FAST THROUGH +THE BAZAAR." + +_Lorry Driver._ "BUT, SAHIB, THESE BE ONLY VERY IGNORANT PEOPLES. ME +MOTA DRIVER! IF DRIVE SLOW, THESE PEOPLES THINK ME COMMON PERSON."] + + * * * * * + +PERCE MURGATROYD, MASTER BRICKLAYER. + +BY ONE WHO KNEW HIM. + +By the untimely death of the late Mr. Percival Murgatroyd we suffer +the irreplaceable loss of our youngest and perhaps most talented +master bricklayer. The story of his life is yet another example of +genius triumphing over adversity. Perce Murgatroyd was born in a +mean street. His father was a poor hardworking physician. Lacking the +influence necessary for the introduction of his boy to some lucrative +commercial calling he contrived at great self-sacrifice to educate him +for the Civil Service. + +The long hours of grinding toil and the complete lack of sympathy at +home could not extinguish the divine fire of genius in the youthful +Murgatroyd. Exhausted and hungry as he often was at the end of the +day's work, he devoted his leisure to the study of bricks and mortar, +and out of his scanty pocket-money he bought for himself first a +trowel and later a plummet. + +When I first made his acquaintance he was already, at the age of +twenty-five, assisting a bricklayer's helper, and was fairly launched +on a career of unbroken success which was to culminate in a master +bricklayership at the record age of thirty-eight. + +Some of the finest things Murgatroyd did are to be found in and around +Tooting, a quarter which is becoming known as Murgatroyd's London; but +there is scarcely a district which does not cherish some gem from +his trowel. At Wanstead Flats, during some reparations to "Edelweiss +Cottage," there was discovered under the plaster a party-wall which +proved to be a genuine Murgatroyd. It is one of his early works, +executed with his studied reserve of power, and is marred only by +suggestions of the conventional haste of the early Georgian School, +from which Murgatroyd had not in those days completely broken away. +It is also worth while to make a pilgrimage to Walham Green, where all +that is best and most typical of the Master--that effect he obtained +of deliberate treatment of each individual brick--may be seen in a +perfect little poem--an outhouse (unfinished). + +The fame of Perce Murgatroyd is founded on the quality rather than +the quantity of his output. To our eternal loss he suffered from a +temperament. He worked only by fits and starts. He never overcame a +superstition that "Monday was a bad day for good work." And he was too +conscientious an artist to attempt anything on days when the sky was +overcast and the light bad. Often too, when he had actually made a +start, he would stand, smoking furiously, in front of his work waiting +for an inspiration. + +This habit of his was the primary cause of his premature end. Emerging +from some such fit of abstraction he became aware that it was +after twelve. Convivial spirit that he was, he hurried to join his +colleagues at their dinner, displaying remarkable agility as he +descended the scaffold. But the effort caused him to perspire, and he +took a chill, from which he never recovered. + +The keynote of Murgatroyd's character was simplicity. Unaided he rose +to be pre-eminent as a bricklayer, but in private life he never became +accustomed to the exclusive society to which by his genius he had won +admittance. He never quite lost the mincing speech of the class from +which he sprang, nor could he acquire facility in the vigorous mode +of expression proper to his new and exalted station. "Not 'arf" +and "'Strewf" ever came haltingly to his tongue, and to the last he +struggled painfully with the double negative. + +But the same indomitable courage which brought him to the top of his +profession eventually served him in his adopted social sphere, and in +the end he won through. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +_Gwendoline._ "'E AIN'T AGOIN' TO GET UP FOR NO BUN. 'E'D 'AVE SUCH AN +ORFUL LOT OF UP TO GET."] + + * * * * * + +THE BRAIN WAVE. + +I hope William likes it, for he brought it on himself. As soon as the +sad event was announced to me I discussed the matter most seriously +with Araminta. "A situation of unparalleled gravity has arisen," +I said, "with regard to the wedding of William. It is going to be +carried out at Whittlehampton in top-hats. Picture to yourself the +scene. Waterloo Station full of lithe young athletes of either sex +arrayed for sports on flood and field, carrying their golf-clubs, +their diabolo spools and their butterfly nets, and there, in the midst +of them, me with my miserable coat-tails, the June sun glaring on +my burnished topper, and in my hands the silver asparagus-server or +whatever it is that I am going to buy for William. I tell you it isn't +done. They will come round and mock me. They will titter at me through +their tennis-racquets." + +"Couldn't you wear a common or Homburg hat and carry your other in a +hat-box?" she suggested in that bright helpful way they have. + +"Amongst the severe economic consequences of the recent great war," +I replied coldly, "was, if you will take the trouble to remember, the +total loss of my top-hat box." + +"Well, why not a white cardboard box, then?" + +"No power on earth shall induce me to stand on Waterloo Station +platform dandling a white cardboard box," I cried. "Waterloo indeed! +It would be my Austerlitz, my Jena. I should never dare to read the +works of 'Man about Town' again. Besides, what about my morning-coat?" + +"Well, I could pin the tails of it up inside if you like. Or what +about wearing an overcoat?" + +"Your first suggestion makes me despair of women's future position in +the economic sphere. The second I would consider if I could settle the +hat problem." + +And still thinking hard I rang up William. + +"I suppose you couldn't possibly cancel this wedding of yours?" I +asked when I had explained the _impasse_. Self-centred as usual, he +flatly declined. + +"Honestly, I don't see the difficulty at all," he went on. "I expect +you'll look a bit of a mug anyhow, and probably there'll be lots of +people on the platform dressed in morning-coats and top-hats." + +"Nobody leaves London on a Saturday morning wearing top-hats," I +assured him, "nobody. If I were coming _in_ to London it would be +quite a different matter. I might be an officer in the Guards, or +M. KRASSIN proceeding to a deputation in Downing Street; but going +out--no. Look here, why not make it a simple country wedding--sports +coats and hayseed in the hair, and all that sort of thing?" + +"Spats and white vest-slips will be worn by all the more prominent +guests," he replied firmly. + +"Well, hang it, have the thing in London, then," I implored, "and +I'll promise to add the price of the return-fare to the cost of your +wedding present." + +"The bride's parents reside at Whittlehampton, and the wedding will +take place from the home of the bride," he answered. + +"You got that little bit out of _The Morning Post_," I said. "Couldn't +you persuade the bride's parents to take a house in London? There's +one just opposite us at only about thirty pounds a week. Stands in its +own grounds, it does, and there's a stag's head in the hall. There's +nothing like a stag's head for hanging top-hats on." + +It was no good. You know what these young lovers are. Immersed in +their own petty affairs, they can pay no proper attention to the +troubles of their friends. + +William rang off and left me once more a prey to harrowing despair. +There were only three nights before the calamity took place, and I had +terrible nightmares on two of them. In one I attended the wedding in +a bowler hat and pyjamas, with carpet slippers and spats. In the other +my top-hat was on my head and my vest-slip was all right, but I tailed +off into khaki breeches and trench boots. On the third day a gleam of +light broke and I rang up William again. + +"I haven't quite settled that little hat problem I was talking to you +about," I told him. "Look here--can you lend me your old top-hat-box?" + +"Haven't got one," he replied. "In the chaos consequent upon +Armageddon it somehow disappeared." + +I breathed a sigh of relief. + +Happily the morning of the wedding was cloudy and dull. I wore my +oldest squash hat and coat and went to Whittlehampton carrying my +present in my hand. As the train arrived the sun broke through the +clouds, and I also emerged from my chrysalis and attended the ceremony +in all the panoply that William's egotism had demanded. If it had +not been too late to get into the list you would have seen this entry +amongst the wedding gifts:-- + +"Mr. Herbert Robinson: Leather hat-box." + +Perhaps if it had been a very full list it would have gone on:-- + +"Containing unique specimen of dappled fawn trilby headwear slightly +moth-eaten in the crown." + +As I explained to William, it is customary to give useful rather than +ornamental gifts nowadays, but I could not refrain from adding a small +sentimental tribute. + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +THE WESTERN LIGHTHOUSES. + + Flashed Lizard to Bishop, + "They're rounding the fish up + Close under my cliffs where the cormorants nest; + The lugger lamps glitter + In hundreds and litter + The sea-floor like spangles. What news from the West?" + + Flashed he of the mitre, + "The night's growing brighter, + There's mist over Annet, but all's clear at sea; + Lit up like a city, + Her band playing pretty, + A big liner's passing. Ay, all's well with me." + + Flashed Wolf to Round Island, + "Oh, you upon dry land, + With wild rabbits cropping the pinks at your base, + You lubber, you oughter + Stand watch in salt water + With tides tearing at you and spray in your face." + + The gun of the Longships + Boomed out like a gong, "Ships + Are bleating around me like sheep gone astray; + There's fog in my channel + As thick as grey flannel-- + Boom-rumble!--I'm busy; excuse me, I pray." + + They winked at each other + As brother to brother, + Those red lights and white lights, the summer night through, + And steered the stray tramps out + Till dawn snuffed their lamps out + And stained the sea-meadows all purple and blue. + + PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + + "Advertiser has Stole Skin, Russian Sables, for Sale."--_Daily + Paper._ + +This is what comes of opening up trade relations with the Bolshevists. + + * * * * * + +A provincial firm announces that it supplies "distinctive clothing for +men." And a very necessary thing, too, in these days of sex equality. + + * * * * * + + "EX-SOLDIER requires Loan of L100. What interest? No + lenders."--_Daily Paper._ + +We should have thought "No interest! What lenders?" would have been +more to the point. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SQUIRE.] + +[Illustration: ALMSHOUSE INMATE, LATE SQUIRE.] + +[Illustration: SECOND UNDER TWEENY AT THE HALL. (_See Squire_).] + +[Illustration: PLOUGHMAN HOMEWARD PLODDING HIS WEARY WAY.] + +[Illustration: VILLAGE SHOP PROPRIETOR.] + +[Illustration: OLDEST INHABITANT.] + +[Illustration: PARSON.] + +[Illustration: BIRD SCARER (D.S.O., M.C.).] + +[Among the Americans who will visit us this summer there may be some +not familiar with our countryside types. Mr. Punch hopes the above +will be useful.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +_The Ex-Plunger._ "CHUCK 'ORSES, MY SON--THEY'LL BE THE RUIN OF YER. I +LORST A FORTUNE ON THE DURBY."] + + * * * * * + +HOW TO PACIFY IRELAND. + +(_By a Student of anti-Coalition Political Psycho-Analysis._) + +The announcement that a child of ten years old, recently described +by the Willesden magistrate as "a remarkable example of a child +kleptomaniac," has been handed over to an eminent specialist +in psycho-pathology, has not yet received the attention that it +undoubtedly demands. It is true that, in the beautifully alliterative +phrase of one of our contemporaries, "with the exception of a penchant +for petty peculations" the young offender "has always been a model +girl, industrious and truthful," thus justifying the belief of the +eminent specialist, that he could "wipe out the original sin" in her. +But the child is mother to the woman, and those of us who have been +gradually and conscientiously convinced of the total inadequacy of +the Government's policy towards Ireland, cannot but recognise in this +experiment an example which might be profitably followed in dealing +with what--with all due deference to Hibernian susceptibilities--we +are reluctantly driven to call the irregular conduct of certain +sections of Irish society. + +With the exception of a penchant for petty pin-pricks at the expense +of the police, Ireland's behaviour has been exemplary in its industry +and humanity. So averse were a large number of her sons from the +employment of violence in any form that they refused to participate +in warlike operations against the enemy that threatened our common +Empire. So magnanimous was their charity that they found it impossible +to credit the harsh and unchristian allegations levelled at the +KAISER and his countrymen. But it could hardly be expected that so +high-spirited and energetic a race could indefinitely pursue a +course of inaction. The relentless logic which has always been a +distinguishing feature of the Celt has impelled them, since the +cessation of formal hostilities, to express their disapproval of a war +waged in their interests by indulging in demonstrations--if so harsh a +term may be permitted--directed against the _regime_ which has secured +them immunity from invasion, devastation and conscription, and at the +same time afforded them exceptional opportunities for amassing wealth. + +It must be reluctantly admitted that some of these ebullitions +have bordered closely on what we may be forgiven for describing as +indecorum. But the motive was undoubtedly a generous instinct +of self-assertion. Ever since the days of CAIN, the first great +self-expressionist, there have always been richly-organised natures to +whom even fratricide is preferable to the dull routine of agricultural +life. + +None the less it is at least arguable that an indefinite extension +and expansion of the conduct now prevalent in the Sister Isle might be +fraught with consequences not altogether conducive to the longevity +of the minority. And while sad experience has proved the futility of +legislative panaceas there still remain the fruitful possibilities +inherent in an application of the principles of psycho-pathological +treatment based on the discoveries of FREUD. For our own part we are +convinced that herein lies the only solution of Ireland's discontent. + +Therefore let the Government at once withdraw all troops and munitions +of war from Ireland, disband the R.I.C. and invite the leaders of +the Sinn Fein movement and of the I.R.B. to submit to a course +of psychiatric treatment conducted by an international board of +specialists, from which all representatives of the belligerent Powers +should be excluded, with possibly the exception of America. It seems +incredible that such an offer should be refused. If it is we can +only patiently acquiesce in the optimistic view of the famous Celtic +chronicler, GIRALDUS CAMBRENSIS, that Ireland will be ultimately +pacified just before the Day of Judgment--_vix paulo ante diem +judicii_. + + * * * * * + +THE ART OF POETRY. + +SOLUTION TO PROBLEM ON PAGE 446. + +"It comes of my having a sniff." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR VILLAGE FIRE BRIGADE. + +_Amateur Engineer_ (_who has burst the boiler and shouted to the +driver to stop_). "GET OUT THE HOSE QUICK! THE ENGINE'S AFIRE."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +From what is known of the tastes of Sir IAN HAMILTON it might have +been supposed that he wrote his _Gallipoli Diary_ (ARNOLD) lest his +pen-hand should lose its cunning while wielding the sword. Indeed +he tells us of a rumour among his officers "that I spend my time +composing poetry, especially during our battles." But that he did not +write for the sake of writing must be clear to anyone who reads the +book, even if the author had not declared his motive in the preface. +Here he admits that, though "soldiers think of nothing so little +as failure," it was in fact the thought of possible failure that +determined him, at the very start, to prepare from day to day his +defence. Perhaps this is not quite the attitude of one who stakes +all upon the great chance. In another significant passage of +self-revelation he tells us how, on a tour of inspection in Egypt, +he met RUPERT BROOKE, "the most distinguished of the Georgians." "He +looked extraordinarily handsome ... stretched out there on the sand, +with the only world that counts at his feet." Whether in ordinary +times the world of art is or is not the "only world that counts," +I cannot say, but I am certain that to a soldier entrusted with +an enterprise of so great moment the only world that should have +"counted" at that hour was the world of war. If the chapter which +describes the failure that followed the landing in Suvla Bay exposes +the incapacity of some of his officers to inspire their men with that +little more energy which would have ensured a great victory, it seems +also to expose a certain want of compelling personality in the High +Command. But of the military questions here raised I make no pretence +to judge, and in any case judgment has been passed on them already. +The interest of the diary lies in its appeal as a human document. +It is the _apologia_ of a man who, for all his criticism, often +apparently justified, of the authorities at home (there are passages +which he must surely have suppressed if Lord KITCHNER had still been +living), sets down scarce a word in malice and but few in bitterness +of spirit; who appreciates at its high worth the devotion and +gallantry of his officers and men; who, whatever qualities he may have +lacked for his difficult task, reveals himself as loyal at heart and +generous by nature. + + * * * * * + +Miss RUTH HOLT BOUCICAULT (a name with a double theatrical +association) has written, in _The Rose of Jericho_ (PUTNAM), a novel +of American stage life which I should suppose comes as near to being +a true picture as such stories can. She derives her title from +the convenient habit of the desert rose of detaching itself from +uncongenial or exhausted soil, subsiding into a compact mass and +travelling before the wind to more profitable surroundings. It will be +admitted that the author has at least hit upon a picturesque metaphor +for a touring company, which on this analogy becomes a very garden of +(Jericho) roses. Actually, however, she no doubt intended it to apply +more to the disposition of her heroine, and in particular to her power +of transferring her young affections, flower, leaf and root, from one +object to another, with undiminished enthusiasm. _Sheelah's_ +capacity for being off with the old and on with the new is almost +preternatural; her progress from stage-child to leading lady is +accompanied by such various essays in unconventional domesticity that +the reader may well experience a sense of confusion, or at least feel +some difficulty in sustaining the first freshness of his sympathy. The +story is at times almost startlingly American, as when the original +betrayer of the heroine is excused on the ground that, being English, +his morality would naturally not rise to native level (I swear I'm not +laughing--see page 168); and so full of the idiom of the Transatlantic +stage as to be a perfect _vade mecum_ for visiting mimes from this +side. For the rest, vivacious, wildly sentimental and obviously +written from first-hand experience. + + * * * * * + +By calling her _Potterism_ (COLLINS) "a tragi-farcical tract" Miss +ROSE MACAULAY disarms our criticism that she conducts too heavy a +discussion from too light a platform. I don't think the author of +_What Not_ is likely to write anything dull, anything I shan't be +pleased to read. She has a keen eye, a candid soul, a sharp-pointed +pen. She is deliciously modern. And she dislikes _Potterism_, which +is sentimental lack of precision in thought. It is much more (or much +less) than this, but I get the definition by inverting a phrase of her +dedication. _Potter_, by the way, or _Lord Pinkerton_, as he is now, +owns a series of newspapers "not so good as _The Times_ nor so bad +as _The Weekly Dispatch_" (guileless piece of camouflage this!), and +_Mrs. Potter_ ("_Leila Yorke_") is a novelist who might have written +_The Rosary_. Two of the young _Potters, Jane_ and _Johnny_, though +they both when up at Oxford joined the _Anti-Potter League_, do not +thereby escape being Potterites. They cling to materialistic _Potter_ +values. Whereas an aristocratic clergyman, a woman scientist, a +Jew journalist (this last an admirable study) do in varying degrees +contrive to avoid the deadly infection. This tract needed writing. I +have a feeling that it could be better done and by ROSE MACAULAY. +But it makes excellent reading as it is.... The pachyderm will wince, +shake himself and be left grinning. + + * * * * * + +Mr. ARNOLD PALMER derives the title of _My Profitable Friends_ (SELWYN +AND BLOUNT) from a verse, new to me, in which the poet, apparently +when launching her wares, concludes, + + "But who has pain has songs to sell; + My Profitable Friends, farewell!" + +which I take to be the pleasantest way in the world of calling them +pot-boilers. But whether they were so intended or not, there can be no +question of the very agreeable dexterity that Mr. PALMER brings to the +composition of his tales. Save for a few experiments (which I should +call the least successful in the collection) his formula is not the +episodical "slice of life," with crumbly edges. His choice is for the +well-made, with usually some ingenious little twist at the finish, +and (so to speak) a neatly tied bow to end all. As an instance of this +kind I commend to your notice the admirably shaped little yarn called +"Two-penn'orth." Mr. PALMER has a pretty wit (perhaps here and there +a trifle thin), shown nowhere to better advantage than in "A Picked +Eleven," one of the most entertaining, and at the same time +human, short stories that I have ever read. Further, his tales are +essentially of the friendly order, and the public will be in fault if +they do not also prove profitable, since we have none too many writers +capable of getting such deft results with the same economy of means. + + * * * * * + +In most stories constructed on the _Enoch Arden_ principle one of the +husbands or wives (whichever it may be of whom there are too many) is +usually a very nasty person. Miss SOPHIE COLE, in _The Cypress Tree_ +(MILLS AND BOON), makes all three of her entangled characters quite +attractive; in fact, though I fear she would not wish me to say so, I +really liked the unsuccessful competitor better than the winner. Books +made up of the little homely things which might happen to anybody +and distinguished by their pleasant atmosphere have been Miss COLE's +speciality in the past; this time she has, without abating a jot of +her pleasantness, added a touch of the occult in the shape of an old +black-letter volume which infects everyone who gets possession of +it with a mildly insane determination to keep it. An honourable man +steals it and a nice woman smacks her baby for holding it, so you can +see how really baleful its influence must have been when you consider +that they were both Miss COLE'S characters. A very little of the +occult will excuse a good deal of improbability, and the small amount +that has crept into _The Cypress Tree_ does not spoil the effect of a +truly "nice" tale. + + * * * * * + +As an admirer of the _Spud Tamson_ books it irks me to have to say +that _Winnie McLeod_ (HUTCHINSON) contains too much solid sermon to +appeal to me. I gather that R. W. CAMPBELL wants to show how dangerous +life may be for a poor and beautiful girl, and as a warning _Winnie_ +can be confidently recommended. But sound and wholesome as the +preaching is it seems to me more suitable for a tract than for a +novel. Moreover it is not easy to feel full sympathy with a hero who +is frankly called an Adonis, who "played a good bat at cricket," +and also in a strenuous rugger match "dropped a beauty through the +Edinburgh sticks." Altogether the picture suffers from the prodigious +amount of paint that has been spent on it; yet I am confident it will +afford edification to many people whose tastes I respect but cannot +share. + + * * * * * + + "Ninety-six per cent. of men employed in the gas undertakings + voted in favour of a strike. Four per cent. were against + such action and the neutrals formed an infinitesimal + number,"--_Daily Paper._ + +A mere cipher, in fact. + + * * * * * + + "Required, immediately, man with intimate knowledge of colours + to call on consumers with ochres from the French Alps." + + _Daily Paper._ + +Personally, we always prefer to consume raw umbers from the Apennines. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Customer._ "BUT IF THESE WATCHES COST TEN BOB TO MAKE, +AND YOU ARE SELLING THEM AT THE SAME PRICE, WHERE DOES YOUR PROFIT +COME IN?" + +_Watchmaker._ "WE GET IT REPAIRING THEM."] + + + + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + +p. 1.: 'say' corrected to 'says' ... 'says a Government official.' + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +158, JUNE 9, 1920*** + + +******* This file should be named 31119.txt or 31119.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/1/1/1/31119 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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