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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158,
+June 2, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158, June 2, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 25, 2010 [EBook #31071]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net.
+
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Punch, or the London Charivari
+
+Volume 158, Jan-Jul 1920
+
+June 2, 1920
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+Some idea of the heat experienced in this country last week can be
+deduced from the fact that several bricklayers were distinctly seen to
+wipe their brows in their own time.
+
+***
+
+It is all very well for LENIN to talk about Great Britain recognising
+Russia, while his followers are doing their best to render the place
+almost unrecognisable.
+
+***
+
+Normally, says Dr. GEOFFREY KEYNES, a person has fifteen thousand
+millions of blood corpuscles circulating in his body. People suffering
+with insomnia might try counting them in bed.
+
+***
+
+According to a scientific journal, tests recently made show that
+microbes cannot live long on coins. "Middle Class" writes to say this
+is nothing new to him, as no germ could live on his salary.
+
+***
+
+The promoters of the Milk and Dairies Bill hope to ensure clean milk
+for the public. They seem to have thought out an improvement on the
+present system by which certain dairymen are in the habit of washing
+their milk.
+
+***
+
+It took nature several million years, says _The New York World_,
+to make a ton of coal. It looks as if she has arranged to charge us
+retrospectively by the hour for the stuff.
+
+***
+
+A gold wedding-ring has been found inside a large doe rabbit which was
+shot recently in a wheat-field near Wilbury. The question arises, "Do
+modern rabbits go through the marriage ceremony?"
+
+***
+
+The latest fad of the American golfer is to have a small painting made
+of himself in the act of driving. We feel, however, that it will be
+some time before English golfers will place orders for plaster casts
+of their language.
+
+***
+
+Nearly all the extra firemen required for the London Fire Brigade have
+been engaged. Clients are assured that arrears of fires will now be
+worked off with all speed.
+
+***
+
+According to a daily paper a severe thunderstorm which recently
+visited Luton was not heard by the audience in a local concert hall.
+It is rumoured that a performer was at the time reciting a chapter of
+Lord FISHER'S autobiography.
+
+***
+
+A strike of incubator-makers is threatened and many grocers who stock
+breakfast-eggs fear that a lot of chicks may come out in sympathy.
+
+***
+
+According to an evening paper a young lady who was chased by a bull
+in a provincial meadow ran a quarter of a mile and jumped a stream
+sixteen feet wide before gaining safety. Not much of a jump, surely,
+considering the long run she took.
+
+***
+
+"Whilst motoring between Baldock and Grantham one is struck by the
+greenness of the growing wheat and barley," states a writer in a motor
+journal. The regularity with which these cereal grasses adopt this
+colour is certainly worthy of attention.
+
+***
+
+Our heart goes out to the American travellers who set foot on our
+shores at Southampton one day last week just five minutes after
+closing-time.
+
+***
+
+In their recent match against Sussex the first four Middlesex batsmen
+each scored a century. We understand that in order to obviate a
+recurrence of this sort of thing a movement is on foot to increase the
+number of runs in a century to a hundred and fifty.
+
+***
+
+We are informed that "a man arrested by Dutch fishermen in the belief
+that it was the CROWN PRINCE making his escape turned out to be a
+notorious jewel thief." The error seems to have been excusable.
+
+***
+
+The case of the dock labourer who appeared at a County Court in a
+tail coat and white waistcoat is now explained. The man's valet, who
+usually looks after these things for him, had gone on strike for more
+wages.
+
+***
+
+Charged with taking one hundred and forty-five pounds of his
+employers' money a Newcastle office-boy was stated to have been
+reading trashy novels. It was thought to be only fair to the financial
+papers that the public should know where he got the idea from.
+
+***
+
+"I reckon I can drink fifty pints a day, easy," a witness told the
+Portsmouth magistrates. He may do it for a while, but sooner or later
+his arm is bound to go back on him.
+
+***
+
+"Under British guidance," says a contemporary, "Persia's future is
+bright with promise." We know nothing of its future, but its present
+seems to be scintillating with performance under Bolshevik direction.
+
+***
+
+"Cave exploration," declares a writer in _The Daily Mail_, "is a most
+fascinating sport." There is always the thrilling possibility that you
+may find another Liberal principle hidden away somewhere.
+
+***
+
+Owing to the increased cost of living it is said that burglars will
+now only book jewel robberies of two thousand pounds and over.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CHAGRIN OF MEMBER OF ADVANCED ART GROUP AT NECESSITY OF
+MAKING THE LETTERING OF HIS POSTER INTELLIGIBLE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"NEW POLICY IN IRELAND.
+
+    NO TRIALS WITHOUT ARRESTS."
+
+    _Dublin Paper._
+
+A good idea, but it was anticipated in the matter of jugged hare.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Register as a regular reader of _The Daily ----_, and you
+    at once disqualify for £3 a week during disablement."--_Daily
+    Paper._
+
+We shall be careful not to register.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ODYSSEUS AT THE DERBY.
+
+    [Racing men will not need to be reminded that Polumetis
+    (many-counselled) is named after a common epithet of the hero
+    of the _Odyssey_.]
+
+  At times the pulse of memory is stirred
+    Out of a chronic state of coma
+  By just a poignant tune, a rhythmic word,
+    A whiff of some refined aroma,
+  And lo! the brain is made aware
+  Of records which it didn't know were there.
+
+  So in a sudden moment I was shot
+    Back to my boyhood and the highly
+  Instructive works of HOMER, long forgot,
+  And with the late _Odysseus_ (wily)
+  Ploughed once again the wine-red deep
+  On drawing Polumetis in a sweep.
+
+  Oh, "many-counselled" hero! if a horse
+    Your attributes may also borrow,
+  Lend him your cunning round the Derby course,
+    Teach him a thing or two to-morrow,
+  That at the end it may be said:
+  "He did a great performance with his head."
+
+  As you contrived by tricks of crafty skill
+    Ever to down your foes and flatten 'em,
+  So may he lie low going up the hill,
+    Secure the inside berth at Tattenham,
+  And do a finish up the straight
+  Swift as your shafts that sealed the suitors' fate!
+
+  Fortune attend his name, though some deplore
+    Its pedantry, and I assume it is
+  Likely, from what I know of bookies' lore,
+    That on the rails he'll be "Poloometis";
+  For me, I do not care two pins
+  How they pronounce him, if he only wins.
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SERENE BATSMAN.
+
+It is a common fallacy among cricketing coaches and their pupils
+that when the young batsman has mastered all the strokes that can be
+imparted to him at the nets his education is complete. So far from
+that being the case, it has barely begun. Under the prevailing system,
+the psychological factor, the most important of all, is entirely
+neglected. The most trying moment of a cricketer's life is when he
+first steps forth alone from the pavilion of a public ground. In that
+moment all that the old pro has taught him of cuts and drives, forward
+play and back play, will not prevent his knees from weakening as he
+totters to the wicket, whereas the following hints may enable him to
+face the occasion with confidence if not contempt.
+
+Remember that for a public performer a good entrance is more than
+half the battle; the first impression on the spectators is the most
+lasting.
+
+Nothing looks worse than a batsman hurrying out at a furtive trot, as
+if he were going to pawn his bat. When your turn comes to go in, take
+care to be just within the regulation two minutes, but school yourself
+to emerge from the pavilion at a leisurely stride with more than a
+suspicion of swagger in it. The bat should not be carried as a
+shy curate carries a shabby umbrella, but either boldly across the
+shoulder, like a rifle, or tucked under the armpit, so that you may
+do up your batting-gloves in your progress across the greensward. An
+excellent effect will be produced if you pause half-way and execute
+a few fancy strokes at an imaginary ball. Besides, you may not have
+another opportunity of displaying your accomplishment.
+
+Having, as it were, reported yourself at the wicket, it is a good plan
+to discover that you need a new batting-glove. This will afford you
+an excuse for a return journey to the pavilion, during which your
+gait will lose nothing in stateliness if you can manage to adopt the
+goose-step. On your return to the wicket you will probably find,
+if the weather is mild and the grass dry, that the fieldsmen
+are reclining on the ground; it will enhance your reputation for
+nonchalance and good-fellowship if you can contrive to give one of
+them a playful pat with your bat in passing, especially if he is a
+total stranger to you and much your senior.
+
+On your second arrival at the wicket, you might get the wicket-keeper
+to take his gloves off and adjust the straps of your pads. This is one
+of many subtle ways of demoralising the fielding side and whetting the
+interest of the onlookers.
+
+After taking middle with such scrupulous exactitude as to imply that
+you suspect the umpire's eyesight, take one of the bails and scratch a
+block deep enough to plant something in. Then beckon to the square-leg
+umpire to come and replace the bail. In this you will be strictly
+within the law, and nobody can suspect you of the surreptitious use of
+a little cobbler's wax.
+
+Your next move should be to summon the other batsman to a whispered
+conference in the middle of the pitch. It doesn't much matter what you
+say to him; a new funny story or the plot of a play you saw last week
+will serve to make him assume an air of thoughtful attention.
+
+After a chat of about five minutes, you will return slowly to your
+crease, there to scrutinise the slip fieldsmen, and then to gaze all
+round the ground as if to make sure that the other side is not playing
+more than eleven men.
+
+When taking your stance you will do well to give full effect to some
+such mannerism as Mr. WARNER'S trick of hitching up the left side
+of the trousers and tapping the ground seven times. And just as the
+bowler is about to start his run you can disconcert him by suddenly
+whipping round to see if they have moved another man over to the leg
+side while your back was turned.
+
+As soon as the bowler has covered half his course to the wicket you
+should raise your hand to arrest his career. Then you must stroll
+about a third of the way up the pitch and give the ground a good
+slapping with the face of your bat.
+
+If you feel so inclined, there is no reason why you should not repeat
+this man[oe]uvre. Nothing is more calculated to upset a highly-strung
+bowler. And when the ball does come down the chances are that it will
+be a wide, in which case you will have earned one run for your side.
+If, on the other hand, it should happen to knock your middle stump out
+of the ground, there is nothing more to be done, but you will have the
+satisfactory feeling that your little turn in the limelight has not
+been utterly inglorious.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Gothic: In Memoriam.]
+
+CECIL CLAY.
+
+  Athlete and wit, whose genial tongue
+  Cheered and refreshed but never stung;
+  Maker of mirth and wholesome jokes;
+  Fit mate of dear ROSINA VOKES;
+  Creator, to our endless joy,
+  Of priceless _Arthur Pomeroy_--
+  Light lie the earth above his head
+  Who lightened many a heart of lead;
+  Courteous and chivalrous and gay,
+  In very truth no common Clay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We learn with regret of the death of Mr. A. CHANTREY CORBOULD, whose
+work as a sporting artist was familiar to an earlier generation of
+_Punch's_ readers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ENVOYS EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+PRIME MINISTER (_to Bolshevist Delegates._) "HAPPY TO SEE YOU,
+GENTLEMEN. BUT WOULD YOU MIND GOING ROUND BY THE TRADESMEN'S ENTRANCE,
+JUST FOR THE LOOK OF THE THING?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Shipwrecked Mariner._ "AHOY, MATES! WOT 'S WON T'
+DERBY?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE RISE AND FALL OF AN AMATEUR EXAMINER.
+
+The Nabobs is, I suppose, one of the best girls' schools in England.
+Anyhow it is perhaps the most exclusive unless you have money enough.
+But, as the prospectus says, "it commands an extensive view of the
+English Channel," and I suppose these things have to be paid for. At
+all events there is no doubt that the principal, Miss Penn-Cushing,
+has her heart in her work and is a splendid disciplinarian, and so I
+sent my niece Mollie there to be finished (her mother being in India).
+
+I have an idea at times that it is Mollie who will finish Miss
+Penn-Cushing, but I try to preserve a benevolent neutrality combined
+with a regular supply of food parcels to my niece.
+
+Miss Penn-Cushing is LL.A. of one University and LL.B. of another,
+and, I think, LL.C. of a third, so that she ought to be more than a
+match for six Mollies.
+
+I have always had the impression that Miss Penn-Cushing regarded me as
+a humble entomological specimen until the other day when she paid me a
+staggering compliment. She herself teaches all the English literature
+in her academy, and each class in turn goes up to her room to receive
+its daily dose. Mollie says that when she grows up she is going to
+give up English literature for ever and read something interesting.
+
+I am glad that the revered Principal is never present to hear Mollie's
+blasphemies, at which I as an uncle have to shudder. Since the
+publication of _The Cambridge History of English Literature_ Miss
+Penn-Cushing has been steadily absorbing it, to help her in her daily
+task, and has apparently reached the chapter in which is suitably
+acknowledged the debt of English literature to _Punch_.
+
+So at least I judge, for she gave the girls a long serious talk on
+humour in literature, how to detect it and what should be done about
+it. One rather sensitive child began to cry, but Mollie, who has
+never kept a secret in her life and in fact loves to drag her uncle's
+skeletons out of cupboards, blurted out, "Uncle writes for _Punch_!"
+
+I was somewhat alarmed when I heard of this, for I did not know how
+Miss Penn-Cushing, who keeps all the girls' uncles in order, might
+take it. My fears were groundless, perhaps stupid, for the immediate
+result was an invitation to examine Mollie's form in literature at the
+forthcoming Christmas examination. I felt uplifted in spirit; I felt
+that people were beginning to understand me. I even entertained an
+hallucination that perhaps Mollie might now treat my intellect with
+respect and stop calling me "Old dear." Three inches taller I sat down
+to my desk and, thanking Miss Penn-Cushing for the honour paid me, I
+promised I would do my best, although it would be my first appearance
+in the _rôle_.
+
+I determined, however, not to allow this distinction to make me
+overbearing to my inferiors at our next speech-day. I would be affable
+to ordinary uncles, common parents and guardians of the other girls,
+but I would lead the conversation artfully on to other literary
+critics and examiners of the past. As a preparation I read up MATTHEW
+ARNOLD.
+
+It is not easy to be an examiner, I found. I would rather write ten
+leading articles than one examination-paper. It appeared that I had
+to set themes for essays as well as questions in literature. We never
+learnt literature when I was young and I didn't know you could, but I
+borrowed a text-book from Mollie and did my best.
+
+The result was a crushing letter from the lady principal. She said
+that "The Ten Points of a good Doll" seemed a preposterous subject
+for senior students of literature to write about, and "My Favourite
+Elopement in Fiction" would be outside the purview of any of her
+girls. She would substitute instead (with my permission), "The Debt of
+Literature (as well as Science) to DARWIN" and "My Favourite Piece of
+Epic Poetry." In fine, if I did not really mind, she would herself set
+all the questions and I should examine the answers. She thought that
+the more fructiferous course.
+
+How to mark was my chief difficulty. How many marks should one give a
+darling with brown eyes and a musical laugh (Mollie has brought her to
+tea often) who signs herself "Norah O'Brien," and winds up delightful
+irrelevances about DARWIN and her abhorrence of reptiles with a
+personal appeal to the examiner. I do not know what other examiners do
+in such cases. It was a beautifully worded and most respectful appeal.
+I decided to give her forty for Norah and forty for O'Brien. Both
+names have always appealed to me.
+
+This made it necessary for me to give eighty marks to her sister
+Kathleen, who wrote really an excellent essay on a subject we had
+stupidly forgotten to set. It was an excellent subject, and she has
+even browner eyes than Norah, but as an examiner one must be rigid and
+impartial.
+
+Eunice came next. This name recalled dear memories of the past and of
+what might have been. But as an examiner I could not let old dreams
+weigh down my impartial scales, so I refused to give her more than
+eighty. Finally, for they are really charming girls and know far more
+about literature than I do, I gave eighty to everybody except Mollie,
+and for being Mollie I gave her eighty-two.
+
+I forgot. There was one perfectly horrid little girl called Katie de
+Pinnock. She never shared her chocolates with anyone; the fact was
+notorious. She wrote in a copperplate hand sentiments like
+these: "MILTON awes me; SHELLEY thrills me; BLAKE, the prophet of
+self-sacrifice, is ever my consolation and my guide. I ask for nothing
+beyond." I gave her nineteen.
+
+And now comes the tragedy. Miss Penn-Cushing's letter of thanks
+was icy. She feared I had been "a thought nepotic," and (with my
+permission) she would revise my marks.
+
+She dealt me the final blow at our Speech-Day. "I have decided," she
+gave out, "to award the first prize in Literature to Miss Katie de
+Pinnock. I am sure, though, that you will not be surprised to hear
+that Mr. Marcus O'Reilly, our examiner, was so impressed with the
+literary excellence of all your papers that he has presented the whole
+class with consolation prizes. We tender him our heartiest thanks."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Farmer._ "EH, LUCY, THESE MOVING STAIRS DO BE VINE
+THINGS VOR SAVING VOLK'S TIME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Commercial Candour.
+
+Extract from a Canadian business-circular:--
+
+    "What intelligent car owners have been looking for is a tire
+    that will give them a minimum amount of service for a maximum
+    amount of expenditure. You can get that tire from us."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE MASSACRE OF THE INNOCENTS.
+
+BY THE RT. HON. C. F. G. MASTERMAN.
+
+    'Die, thou children of stormy dawn,' cries the Prime
+    Minister to-day, as he stamps out the life of his little land
+    taxes."--_Daily News._
+
+According to his critic Mr. LLOYD GEORGE seems to have done great
+violence to his syntax as well as to his little land taxes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The bride, a tall brunette, looked a vision of golden
+    beauty as she advanced up the aisle on the arm of her
+    father."--_Evening Paper._
+
+We do not think that this was the right occasion for an exposure of
+feminine camouflage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ART OF POETRY.
+
+I.
+
+Many people have said to me, "I wish I could write poems. I often try,
+but----" They mean, I gather, that the impulse, the creative itch,
+is in them, but they don't know how to satisfy it. My own position is
+that I know how to write poetry, but I can't be bothered. I have not
+got the itch. The least I can do, however, is to try to help those who
+have.
+
+A mistake commonly committed by novices is to make up their minds what
+it is they are going to say before they begin. This is superfluous
+effort, tending to cramp the style. It is permissible, if not
+essential, to select a _subject_--say, MUD--but any detailed argument
+or plan which may restrict the free development of metre and rhyme (if
+any) is to be discouraged.
+
+With that understanding, let us now write a poem about MUD.
+
+I should begin in this sort of way:--
+
+  Mud, mud,
+  Nothing but mud,
+  O my God!
+
+It will be seen at once that we are not going to have much rhyme in
+this poem; or if we do we shall very soon be compelled to strike a
+sinister note, because almost the only rhymes to _mud_ are _blood_ and
+_flood_; while, as the authors of our hymns have discovered, there
+are very few satisfactory rhymes to _God_. They shamefully evaded the
+difficulty by using words like _road_, but in first-class poetry one
+cannot do that. On the whole, therefore, this poem had better be _vers
+libre_. That will take much less time and be more dramatic, without
+plunging us into a flood of blood or anything drastic like that. We
+now go on with a little descriptive business:--
+
+  Into the sunset, swallowing up the sun,
+  Crawling, creeping,
+  The naked flats----
+
+Now there ought to be a verb. That is the worst of _vers libre_; one
+gets carried away by beautiful phrases and is brought up suddenly by
+a complete absence of verbs. However at a pinch one can do without a
+verb; that is the best of _vers libre_:--
+
+  Amber and gold,
+  Deep-stained in mystery
+  And the colours of mystery,
+          Inapprehensible,
+  Golden like wet-gold,
+  Amber like a woman of Arabia
+  That has in her breast
+  The forsaken treasures of old Time,
+  Love and Destruction,
+  Oblivion and Decay,
+  And bully-beef tins,
+          Tin upon tin,
+  Old boots, and bottles that hold no more
+  Their richness in them.
+          And I----
+
+We might do a good deal more of this descriptive business, bringing in
+something about dead bodies, mud of course being full of dead bodies.
+But we had better get on. We strike now the personal note:--
+
+          And I,
+  I too am no more than a bottle,
+          An empty bottle,
+  Heaving helpless on the mud of life,
+  Without a label and without a cork,
+  Empty I am, yet no man troubles
+          To return me.
+          And why?
+  Because there is not sixpence on me.
+          Bah!
+  The sun goes down in the West
+          (Or is it the East?)
+  But I remain here,
+  Drifting empty under the night,
+          Drifting----
+
+When one is well away with this part of the poem it is almost
+impossible to stop. When you are writing in metre you come eventually
+to the eighth line of the last verse and you have to stop; but in
+_vers libre_ you have no assistance of that kind. This particular poem
+is being written for instructional purposes in a journal of limited
+capacity, so it will probably have to stop fairly soon; but in
+practice it would go on for a long time yet. In any case, however, it
+would end in the same way, like this:--
+
+  Mud, mud,
+  Nothing but mud,
+  O, my God!
+
+That reasserts, you see, in a striking manner, the original _motif_,
+and somehow expresses in a few words the poignant melancholy of the
+whole poem. Another advantage in finishing a long poem, such as this
+would be, in the same way as you began it is that it makes it clear
+to the reader that he is still reading the same poem. Sometimes, and
+especially in _vers libre_ of an emotional and digressive character,
+the reader has a hideous fear that he has turned over two pages and
+got into another poem altogether. This little trick reassures him;
+and if you are writing _vers libre_ you must not lose any legitimate
+opportunity of reassuring the reader.
+
+To treat the same theme in metre and rhyme will be a much more
+difficult matter. The great thing will be to avoid getting _mud_ at
+the end of a line, for the reasons already given. We had better have
+long ten-syllable lines, and we had better have four of them in each
+verse. GRAY wrote an elegy in that metre which has given general
+satisfaction. We will begin:--
+
+  As I came down through Chintonbury Hole
+    The tide rolled out from Wurzel to the sea.
+
+In a serious poem of this kind it is essential to establish a locality
+atmosphere at once; therefore one mentions a few places by name to
+show that one has been there. If the reader has been there too he will
+like the poem, and if he hasn't no harm is done. The only thing is
+that locally Chintonbury is probably pronounced Chun'bury, in which
+case it will not scan. One cannot be too careful about that sort of
+thing. However, as an illustration Chintonbury will serve.
+
+It is now necessary to show somehow in this verse that the poem is
+about mud; it is also necessary to organise a rhyme for 'Hole' and a
+rhyme for 'sea,' and of the two this is the more important. I shall do
+it like this:--
+
+  And like the unclothéd levels of my soul
+    The yellow mud lay mourning nakedly.
+
+There is a good deal to be said against these two lines. For one thing
+I am not sure that the mud ought to be yellow; it will remind people
+of Covent Garden Tube Station, and no one wants to be reminded of
+that. However, it does suggest the inexpressible biliousness of the
+theme.
+
+I think "levels" is a little weak. It is a good poetical word and
+doesn't mean anything in particular; but we have too many words of
+that kind in this verse. "Deserts" would do, except that deserts and
+mud don't go very well together. However, that sort of point must be
+left to the individual writer.
+
+At first sight the student may think that "naked_ly_" is not a good
+rhyme for "sea." Nor is it. If you do that kind of thing in comic
+poetry no editor will give you money. But in serious poetry it is
+quite legitimate; in fact it is rather encouraged. That is why serious
+poetry is so much easier than comic poetry. In my next lecture I shall
+deal with comic poetry.
+
+I don't think I shall finish this poem now. The fact is, I am not
+feeling so inspired as I was. It is very hot. Besides, I have got
+hay-fever and keep on sneezing. Constant sneezing knocks all the
+inspiration out of a man. At the same time a tendency to hay-fever is
+a sign of intellect and culture, and all the great poets were martyrs
+to it. That is why none of them grew very lyrical about hay. Corn
+excited them a good deal, and even straw, but hay hardly ever.
+
+So the student must finish this poem as best he can, and I shall be
+glad to consider and criticise what he does, though I may say at
+once that there will be no prize. It ought to go on for another eight
+verses or so, though that is not essential in these days, for if it
+simply won't go on it can just stop in the middle. Only then it must
+be headed "MUD: A Fragment."
+
+And in any case, in the bottom left-hand corner, the student must
+write: _Chintonbury, May 28th, 1920._
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES.
+
+WHAT OUR PROFITEER'S BUTLER (WHO WAS TAKEN ON WITH THE HOUSE AND
+FURNITURE) HAS TO PUT UP WITH:--MASTER'S RELATIONS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ELIZABETH'S TIP FOR THE DERBY.
+
+"Talkin' o' the Derby," began Elizabeth.
+
+As a matter of fact I was not talking of the Derby or even thinking of
+it at the moment. I had just been telling Elizabeth that the omelette
+which she had served us at dinner was leathery, and her remark struck
+me as irrelevant.
+
+"Master thinks the omelettes would be lighter if you fried them in
+more butter," I continued. Of course Master had thought nothing of the
+kind. But nowadays complaints must be conveyed to domestics in this
+indirect way.
+
+Elizabeth ignored the omelette. "I'm goin' to win fifty pounds at
+least," she exclaimed, and in her excitement broke the cup she held--I
+mean to say the cup came in two in her hand as she spoke. "I've got a
+bit on an 'orse for the Derby."
+
+I felt slightly shocked. It is always surprising to discover a latent
+sporting instinct in one's domestics, unless they are highly placed
+and dignified domestics like butlers or head-footmen; but in a
+cook-general it seems peculiarly low.
+
+"I shouldn't bet if I were you," I advised; "I think--er--_Master_
+thinks," I added involuntarily--"that you might lose money at it."
+
+"But I'm goin' to _win_ money this time," announced Elizabeth
+triumphantly; "my young man ses so, and 'e knows."
+
+"Which young man?" I inquired.
+
+Elizabeth, I ought perhaps to explain, is uncertain about her young
+men. She never has any lack of them; but they are like ships that pass
+in the night (her night out as a rule) and one by one they drift off,
+never stopping to cast anchor in her vicinity. You know what I mean.
+Elizabeth can't _keep_ a young man. Perhaps she lacks the charm which
+BARRIE describes as "a sort of a bloom on a woman." Or if she has any
+of that bloom it must be swamped in the moist oleaginous atmosphere of
+washing-up which seems to cling permanently about her.
+
+"It's a new young man," said Elizabeth in answer to my question, "an'
+'e's got work in a racin' stable, so that's 'ow 'e knows wot's goin'
+to win. It'll be an outsider, 'e ses, which makes it all the better
+for me."
+
+"All the better for you?"
+
+"Yes, 'm. You see, the more you puts on the more you wins."
+
+Elizabeth may not have charm but she certainly has simplicity. "You
+don't mean to say," I cried, a light breaking on me, "that you got
+your next month's wages in advance just to put it all on a horse?"
+
+"That I did," she replied complacently. "You see, my young man ses
+that, if you put it on some time before'and, you get a better price,
+so I thort I'd give it to 'im to put on at once. 'E promised 'e
+wouldn't waste a minnit over it."
+
+"But this is most foolish of you--to trust your money to an entire
+stranger," I expostulated.
+
+"'E isn't a stranger--'e's my young man," corrected Elizabeth, tossing
+her head.
+
+For the following few days she was radiant--but then anybody would be
+who was certain of the winner of the Derby a week before the race.
+In addition to this she had got a young man. Those brief periods
+when Elizabeth's young men are in the incipient stages of paying her
+attention are agreeable to everybody. Elizabeth, feeling no doubt in
+her rough untutored way that God's in His heaven and all's right with
+the world, sings at her work; she shows extraordinary activity when
+going about her duties. She does unusual things like remembering to
+polish the brasses every week--indeed you have only to step into the
+hall and glance at the stair-rods to discover the exact stage of her
+latest "affair." I remember that, when one ardent swain "in the flying
+corpse" went to the length of offering her marriage before he flew
+away, she cleaned the entire house down in her enthusiasm, and had
+actually got to the cellars before he vanished out of her life.
+
+The follower from the racing stable might aptly be described as "The
+Man Who Never Came Back." He romped out of Elizabeth's existence on
+the Sunday preceding the Derby.
+
+"I waited for 'im four-an'-an-'arf 'ours, an' 'e didn't turn up," she
+informed me next day.
+
+"Perhaps he was prevented from keeping the appointment," I suggested
+to comfort her, though I felt the outlook was gloomy.
+
+She shook her head. "I'll never see 'im no more. I _know_ 'em," she
+said, drawing on the depth of her experience of young men who do the
+vanishing trick. "An' my money gone too. It's 'eartbreakin'. But I
+might 'ave known that that there 'orse was a bad sign."
+
+"What horse?" I asked, bewildered.
+
+"The one 'e told me to put my money on. The name alone ought to have
+set me agen it; it was too true to life."
+
+"And what was the name of the horse?" I inquired as she drifted
+dismally to the door.
+
+"'E Goes," said Elizabeth mournfully.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "TRY 'IM WIV A WORM, GUV'NOR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THINGS NOT GENERALLY KNOWN.
+
+(_By our Lunatic Contributor._)
+
+  That the notorious KING BELSHAZZAR
+  Was noted as the earliest Jazzer;
+  That, on the contrary, ZERUBBABEL
+  Was most exclusive and unclubbable;
+  That ROMULUS and brother REMUS
+  Were not so tall as Polyphemus;
+  That the one weakness of Calypso
+  Was what is briefly known as "dipso;"
+  That CLODIUS, very long ago,
+  First bore the nickname of "Old Clo;"
+  That the illustrious PALESTRINA
+  Did not invent the concertina;
+  That WAGNER'S methods in _Tannhäuser_
+  Never appealed to _Mrs. Poyser_;
+  That the Albanian PRENK BIB DODA
+  Prefers his whisky _minus_ soda;
+  That good Professor FLINDERS PETRIE
+  Did not discover SACHA GUITRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Journalistic Sleuths.
+
+    "The circumstances under which the deceased came by his
+    death are shrouded in mystery. From the gun shot wounds it
+    is surmised that he either shot himself or somebody had shot
+    him."--_Indian Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Would Persons present in Restaurant in Shiprow on Saturday
+    Night, when dispute arose with regard to sixpence, please
+    communicate with No. 798 Express Office?"
+
+    _Scotch Paper._
+
+Who heard the bang?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: [Week-end hostesses are now giving "Lend-a-hand"
+parties, at which every guest is expected to do some household
+service.]
+
+_Wife._ "I'M ASKING DOLLY DITCHWATER THIS WEEK-END. BIT DULL, BUT SHE
+DOESN'T DROP THE CHINA."
+
+_Husband._ "DON'T FORGET BERTIE BUNT. BIT OF A BOUNDER, BUT HE'S AN
+ACE AT CLEANING BOOTS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AMERICA AGAIN.
+
+A situation of extreme international delicacy has recently arisen.
+We understand, with regard to the impending strike of Italian
+organ-grinders and ice-cream merchants in the Metropolis, that Signori
+Rimbombo Furioso and Fagiuolo Antico, representing the Amalgamated
+Society of Itinerant Instrumentalists and the National Union of
+Refrigerated Tuck Sellers, have lately been invited to a conference
+with Dr. MACNAMARA, and their economic grievances are now under
+the consideration of the MINISTER OF LABOUR. These, briefly, are as
+follows:
+
+(1) The high price of sugar.
+
+(2) Restricted hours and insufficient emoluments.
+
+(3) Undue interference by the police.
+
+(4) Inadequate supplies of monkey nuts.
+
+It now appears that in order to make a bid for the large Italian vote
+in the forthcoming Presidential elections in the U.S.A. a violent
+anti-British propaganda campaign is raging on the other side of the
+Atlantic, and that an enormous amount of spurious sympathy is being
+manufactured on behalf of the purveyors of rotary music and frozen
+confectionery in Soho. Beautiful Italian girls are daily besieging the
+British Embassy at Washington with placards bearing such inscriptions
+as--
+
+  SHOULD HOKEY POKEY SUFFER?
+
+  ENGLAND COERCES HER TRAVELLING ORGANISTS.
+
+  AMERICANS! HELP THE DUMB APE!
+
+The agitation is the more uncalled for since, as a matter of fact,
+both Signor Furioso and Signor Antico, like most of their compatriots
+in this country, are pronounced Irredentists and filled with
+aspirations for a larger Italy, so that they have little or nothing in
+common with anti-Imperialistic America. Nevertheless, so bitter is
+the feeling which has been aroused that large subsidies are being sent
+overseas and Black Hand gangs organised to resist the London police.
+All over the outer suburbs organ-grinders are refusing to move on,
+and insist on playing well into the early hours of the morning.
+Deleterious substances of an explosive nature are being mingled with
+the ice cream, or else it is being supplied in such a watery condition
+that it is impossible for customers to lick it out of the receptacle
+without ruining their shirt fronts and waistcoats. Monkeys are being
+trained to give violent manifestations of ferocity, and, should the
+present heat-wave continue, rabies is anticipated.
+
+The latest development is a rumoured suggestion from the U.S.A.
+Government that a representative should be sent over to take part
+in the Conference, and the names of Mr. JOE DEMPSEY and Mr. CHARLES
+CHAPLIN have been put forward as possible mediators.
+
+V.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "All is not plane sailing yet for the German in search of
+    foreign markets."--_Evening Paper._
+
+But wait till their flying bagmen get to work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Hairdresser in Ancient Assyria._ "DON'T GO, SIR. I
+SHALL BE FINISHED WITH THIS NOBLEMAN IN THREE OR FOUR HOURS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRACTICAL ZOOLOGY.
+
+There is nothing which distinguishes your true Briton so much as the
+systematic study of the ways of wild animals, and there is no kind of
+instruction which an English child so eagerly accepts.
+
+"The addax or Nubian antelope," how frequently one may hear a father
+say to his small son in the schoolroom, "has horns very similar to
+those of the Indian antelope, but is a larger animal." "Yes, father,"
+responds the boy brightly, "it has a tuft of long hair on the forehead
+and large broad hoofs, adapted for treading on fine and loose sands."
+
+But it is easier perhaps to make these nice points in natural
+history in the comparative calm of the home than in the more frenzied
+atmosphere that reigns in the Zoological Gardens themselves. It is
+for that reason that I have put together the few notes which follow,
+hoping that they may assist the reader to adopt a definite system in
+dealing with this great national institution and educate the young
+mind on a reasoned and scientific plan.
+
+Take the order of visiting the cages first. I do not complain of
+your natural wish to begin with the giraffe, because it has such an
+absurdly long neck and may possibly mistake Pamela's straw-hat for a
+bunch of hay and try to eat it, and because you will be able to see
+the hippopotamus on the way. As a matter of fact you will find that
+the giraffe is not standing near the bars at all, but close to its
+stable, where it is mincing and bridling exactly like a lady in a
+Victorian novel, and as for the hippopotamus you cannot see the
+pretty pink part of him because he is giving his famous imitation of
+a submarine. But never mind that. Your difficulty now will be, "What
+shall we do next?" and in order to assist you I have constructed a
+logical order for visiting the various cages. Here it is:--
+
+    1. The lions, because you can hear them already roaring most
+    horribly fiercely.
+
+    2. The sea-lions, because they are saying "Ock, ock."
+
+    3. The lions, because the tiger may be roaring too this time.
+
+    4. The Elephant House. No, Pamela, I don't know why he is
+    swaying about like that.
+
+    5. The lions, because Tony did not really see the black
+    panther, which was asleep in one corner of its cage.
+
+    6. The Monkey House. I suppose we _must_.
+
+    7. The lions, to wait there till they are fed.
+
+The only trouble about this order is that you may not have much time
+to visit the Mappin Terraces, and it is of course very important that
+you should go there because of the bears. The bears by rights should
+be fed on umbrellas, because they suck the stick and the ribs of the
+frame for all the world as if they were pieces of asparagus, and tear
+the silk part very carefully into tiny little shreds. But umbrellas
+are very expensive just now and the keeper does not think they are
+very good for the bears either. It is better to give them oranges, but
+oranges are expensive too, so you must make quite certain that you do
+not waste them on the grizzlies which are not on the Mappin Terraces
+at all. It is no use giving an orange to a grizzly bear, because it
+goes down with one quick motion, like the red into the right-hand top
+pocket. But if you give it to one of the Himalayan bears he opens it
+and scoops out all the inside and guzzles it up and then sits down and
+licks his paws exactly like a Christian, and while he is doing that
+the other Himalayan bear comes up and is so annoyed at not having an
+orange too that he lies down and groans with rage and flaps himself
+with his paws. So you have to get another orange.
+
+Another thing that you have missed all this time and ought to see if
+possible is the Antelope House, where the telephone is. I don't know why
+the antelopes want a telephone more than all the other animals, but
+they do. Of course if they knew how bad the telephone is they would
+realise that with their long legs they could get there and back again
+in much quicker time than it takes to get a call through.
+
+And then there are the Small Birds. It is not known to everybody,
+least of all, I think, to poets, that the nightingale sings best of
+all in a cage in broad daylight and amongst a lot of other birds,
+all twittering away like anything. We should like to take Mr. ROBERT
+BRIDGES to the Small Birds' House. We should like to take Mr. ROBERT
+SMILLIE there too, and introduce him to the bird just underneath the
+nightingale, which is called the Talking Mynah.
+
+But you are not very much interested in coal or poetry, and will
+probably like the Sugar Birds best, for, if there is anything more
+delightful than being a bird, especially a tiny little bird, blue or
+green underneath, it must be living on sugar and having grapes stuck
+in the bars of your cage.
+
+The snakes of course are slimy sort of creatures and their house is
+a long way off, and, though we fully agree with you that the monkeys
+were just like real persons, we think we really ought to be starting
+home now.
+
+No, there is no time to see the lions again....
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DARK HORSE.
+
+PROFITEER. "'ECONOMY'? NEVER HEARD THE NAME. LOOKS AS IF HE MIGHT
+SPOIL MY BOOK, THOUGH."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NICETIES OF CLOTHES ECONOMY.
+
+"GOOD LORD! THAT FELLOW'S ACTUALLY HAD HIS OVERALLS _PATCHED_!"
+
+"DARNED LITTLE FOP."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CAP THAT FITS.
+
+"Gerald, dear," said my wife the other evening, "I wish you'd write
+and order some more notepaper; we've hardly any left."
+
+"All right, Margaret. What sort do you want? The last lot was
+beastly--too thick to make into spills and not large enough for
+drawing up the fire."
+
+"Well, here's a list of the different kinds they have in stock at
+Jones and Robinson's."
+
+I took it from her and glanced through it. "What do you say to 'Cream
+Laid,' Margaret? I like the sound of that. It will make me feel so
+nice and cool in the hot weather to think of the rows of fresh-faced
+country girls, in their spotless white overalls, pouring the cream
+delicately over the paper. I wonder how they get it to stop exactly at
+the edge?"
+
+"It wants a very cool head and steady hand, I expect," said Margaret;
+"they'd all be picked cream-layers, of course. But how would you like
+'thick hand-made paper with deckle edges'? What are deckle edges, I
+wonder; and how is paper hand-made?"
+
+"Rather like treading grapes, I fancy, only that's done by foot. I
+mean they smash up the pulp with a very heavy pestle in a huge----"
+
+"Mortar!" cried Margaret triumphantly.
+
+"Yes; but am I telling this story or are you? Well, and then they put
+it through a mangle----"
+
+"Wurzel," said Margaret.
+
+"Wrong--just a mangle, and roll it out flat, after which they deckle
+the edges."
+
+"But how do they do that, Gerald?"
+
+"Oh, they just call in the edge-deckler and say, 'See to 't that yon
+edges be deckled ere set o' sun,' and he sees to 't. His is a most
+important post, I believe."
+
+Margaret came and sat on a tuffet by my chair.
+
+"Sorry about wurzel," she said. "Now tell me all about machine-made
+paper, there's a dear. It will be so nice to be able to explain all
+this to Nat when he's older."
+
+"Paper-making by machinery, my dear," I said graciously, "is a most
+complicated process. I won't puzzle you with all the details, but
+roughly the idea is to pulp up the--er--rags and so on in a huge
+sort of--er--bowl, and then to roll it out thin in the rolling-out
+machine."
+
+Margaret thought this over. "It sounds just the same as the
+hand-made," she said.
+
+"Oh, _no_," I said quickly; "it's all done by _machinery_, you see.
+Pistons and rollers and--er--mechanical edge-decklers and so on."
+
+"And what does 'Linen Wove' mean?"
+
+"They employ people to thread the paper with linen threads, my dear.
+A very delicate performance; that's why Linen Wove is so expensive.
+Azure Wove is, of course, done with blue flaxen threads. Silurian Bond
+is made by a fellowship of geologists, and for Chelsea Bank they have
+a factory on the bank of the Thames at Cheyne Walk. That's all I need
+tell you, though I know a lot more."
+
+"I never realised before how awfully interesting paper-making could
+be," said Margaret gratefully. "Write and order me a good supply
+of Chelsea Cream Wove, will you, dear? Oh, and some other kind for
+yourself, to write your stories on. Don't forget."
+
+"Very well; Chelsea Cream Wove for you. And what shall I have?"
+
+Margaret's mouth twitched a little.
+
+"Foolscap, I think, dear," she said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sandy (viewing doctor's bill)._ "BUT THE BILL IS NO
+RICHT, SIR. YE'VE CHARGED ME FOR SEVEN DAYS INSTEAD O' SIX. DINNA YE
+MIND I WAS DELEERIOUS ONE DAY AN' WAS NOT AWEER OF YOUR PRESENCE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANALGESIA.
+
+(_With Mr. Punch's best wishes for the speedy recovery of the French
+PRESIDENT._)
+
+    ["President Deschanel ... was compelled to take several
+    analgesia cachets. (Analgesia is a condition in which there is
+    incapacity of feeling pain)."]--_Evening Paper._
+
+  When, haply through excess of cake,
+    In childhood's days of fun and frolic,
+  I suffered from that local ache
+    Known to the Faculty as colic;
+
+  Or if across the foam I fared
+    And was (invariably) sea-sick,
+  How much distress had I been spared
+    Just by a simple analgesic.
+
+  In the Headmaster's awesome den,
+    His cane poised o'er me palely bending,
+  A lozenge deftly swallowed then
+    Had eased the smart of its descending.
+
+  Thus might I have indulged in "rags,"
+    Immune from every sore corrective,
+  Nor need I then have stuffed my bags
+    With notebooks, often ineffective.
+
+  Henceforth, in any sort of fuss--
+    Life's little incidental dramas,
+  As when one boards a motor-bus
+    Or leaps from trains in one's pyjamas--
+
+  I'll take a tabloid. DESCHANEL!
+    So much to me your agile feat meant;
+  _L'exemple presidentiel_
+    Lends quite a _cachet_ to the treatment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "59 ACCIDENTS IN 5 YEARS.
+
+    PROPOSED ROAD WIDENING TO INCLUDE CEMETERY CORNER."
+
+    _Evening Paper._
+
+The only alternative would appear to be to enlarge the cemetery.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "SO YOU ABSENTED YOURSELF WITHOUT LEAVE, AND WENT TO
+EPSOM. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY?"
+
+"THAT IT WAS WORTH IT, SIR, EVEN IF IT DO MEAN THE LOSS OF MY
+PENSION."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ERROR OF JUDGMENT AT EPSOM.
+
+I am not attending the Derby this year. Nor was it my original
+intention to go last year, but since my beneficent employers, unasked,
+offered me a day off, Selina insisted we ought to go. It was a
+national institution, a sight everyone should see once in a lifetime,
+and so forth. I protested it was an extravagance; that to be married
+was really more than we could afford, let alone race-meetings. But
+Selina was firm. She would pay, if necessary, out of the house-keeping
+money. Besides it need cost nothing. We might win enough money to
+cover our expenses.
+
+Thus the idea of betting was introduced. Gambling in all forms is
+against my principles; and how I came to give in on the point I
+scarcely know. From the way Selina argued one might have supposed that
+a bet on the Derby was a prudent investment, something in the nature
+of a life-insurance which no careful husband would neglect to make.
+So I yielded, merely stipulating that our stake was not to exceed one
+pound: and this amount fortunately satisfied Selina's conception of
+recklessness.
+
+So upon the appointed day we found ourselves at the famous Heath,
+or is it the Downs? The selection of a horse to bear our fortunes to
+victory was not made without anxious debate, since Selina's choice was
+based upon the colour scheme of the jockey's coats, and mine on the
+romantic associations of the animals' names. In the end we compromised
+on a horse called Grand Parade.
+
+Next, equally momentous, we selected a bookmaker who was to oblige us
+by opposing our fancy at the most advantageous rate. I was in favour
+of picking a man whose abundance of chin and paunch would, should he
+default, prevent his attaining more than four miles an hour on the
+flat. I had already discovered one that answered this description. He
+was soliciting clients in a voice that made one think a vulture might
+be rending his liver. Selina, who pretends to read character from
+faces, declared his eyes were too close together for those of an
+honest man. She had singled out a more suitable individual, and she
+indicated to me a slender gentlemanly man dressed in a grey frock-coat
+with a tall hat of the same colour just pathetically beginning to grow
+shabby. He also invited custom, but in a refined, almost confidential
+tone which, in comparison with the braying of his rival, resembled
+the cooing of a dove. His features, which to me denoted weakness of
+character, Selina asserted to be those of an honourable man struggling
+with adversity. It was to support an ailing wife, she felt sure, that
+he toiled at his uncongenial vocation. I should have liked to explain,
+though I knew it was useless, that our object in dealing with him
+was not to contribute to the support of his wife; that our success,
+indeed, might mean that the unhappy lady would be deprived for many
+a week to come of those little delicacies that are essential to the
+comfort of an invalid.
+
+Against my better judgment I gave in and our little stake was
+deposited in his hands. I almost felt inclined to apologize for
+its smallness, but his courtesy in accepting it rendered excuses
+unnecessary. Nevertheless I should have preferred, when taking up a
+position to view the race, to have chosen a spot from which we could
+at the same time have kept an eye on his gentlemanly tall hat. Selina
+however poohpoohed the idea. We therefore walked some little distance
+to a point on the hill whence, some ten minutes later, we had the
+satisfaction of seeing Grand Parade gallop home a winner.
+
+In the moment of triumph I had almost forgotten my apprehensions as to
+our bookmaker. Selina however had not, for, as we caught sight of
+his elegant grey-clad figure on our return, she could not resist
+exclaiming, "See how wrong your suspicions were."
+
+The crowd, set loose after the tension of the race, impeded our
+progress, so that by the time we reached him he was alone. Apparently
+he had paid off all the other winners, and we were the last claimants
+to arrive.
+
+"Ah, I was waiting for you," he said in his easy well-bred fashion.
+"You will think it very strange, perhaps, but for the moment I am
+unable to pay you. Most absurd. My losses have been rather more than I
+calculated, and I have unfortunately disbursed all my available cash.
+You need be under no apprehension, however; if you will kindly give me
+your address you shall have a cheque by the first post to-morrow."
+
+I tried to recall what one did to welshers. I seemed to remember that
+one raised a hue-and-cry, that one tarred and feathered them, and rode
+them on a rail to a pond. I am, however, constitutionally timid
+about making my voice heard in public, and I was as short of tar and
+feathers as he was of ready cash. I had therefore no alternative but
+to draw out my pocket-case and present him with a card.
+
+"Ah, thanks," he said, and with a neat little silver pencil he
+scribbled on the back a hieroglyph of some sort, doubtless to jog his
+memory. Then he wished me good-day with many apologies and, politely
+taking off his hat to Selina, sauntered leisurely in the direction of
+the railway-station.
+
+I confess that this _contretemps_ somewhat dashed my spirits. Nor
+was my chagrin lessened by observing, during the remainder of the
+afternoon, my corpulent friend, notwithstanding the closeness of his
+eyes to each other, paying off regularly, at the end of each race, a
+host of customers with the greatest good grace, enlivened by coarse
+jocularities. I followed the rest of the sport with little zest, and
+my cup of enjoyment was not filled to overflowing when, possessing
+first-class return tickets, we had to stand, Selina as well as myself,
+in a crowded third-class smoker.
+
+Selina however preserved both her spirits and her confidence.
+Bookmakers, she had heard, were, as a class, most honourable. Their
+losses could not be recovered by law, but they regarded them as debts
+of honour. There were exceptions, of course, but the gentleman in grey
+was not one of them. Something told her so. I should see that she was
+right.
+
+At breakfast next morning we scanned our post for a letter in an
+unfamiliar handwriting. There was none.
+
+"It was really rather early to expect one," said Selina.
+
+On the following morning, however, amongst others there lay a letter
+in a strange writing, addressed moreover in precisely the same style
+as the description of me on my visiting card.
+
+"What did I tell you?" said Selina.
+
+"Well?" she asked, as I tore open the envelope and read the letter.
+
+"This must be some mistake," I said. "It is a demand from the railway
+for a first-class fare from Epsom to London. They state that I was
+detected travelling without a ticket. Ridiculous. I shall pay no
+attention to it."
+
+In the evening, however, as I started home from the City, I thought
+better. It would save trouble if I looked in at London Bridge.
+
+"You have come to pay?" said the chief clerk, as I showed him the
+note.
+
+"Indeed I have not," said I. "On the contrary the Company should
+refund me the difference between first and third-class fare."
+
+"Do you deny, then, that you travelled back from Epsom without a
+ticket?"
+
+"Indeed I do."
+
+"You will not deny, perhaps, that this is the card you handed the
+inspector with a promise to pay?"
+
+I took the proffered card. I could not deny it, for the card was mine.
+I turned it over. There, faintly legible on the back in pencil, was
+the hieroglyph that the bookie had scrawled on it.
+
+I explained to the clerk. I also explained to Selina when I got home.
+She, however, sticks to her original contention. She was not deceived.
+Fundamentally the man was honest. Only the expenses of his wife's long
+illness had caused him to deviate from the path of probity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+METHODIC MADNESS.
+
+(_By our Medical Correspondent._)
+
+The newspapers have recently devoted a certain amount of space to the
+American millionaire who, while confined in a psychopathic ward of a
+private lunatic asylum, by his clever financial manipulations added
+in the course of six weeks five hundred thousand pounds to a fortune
+"conservatively estimated at three million pounds." In spite of
+this achievement the misguided millionaire pleaded earnestly for his
+release. But the verdict of the New York Sheriffs' Court was adverse.
+The expert "alienists" admitted that he possessed an extraordinary
+memory and undoubted genius, but held that he was none the less
+insane. Accordingly he is to remain in the psychopathic ward to which
+he was consigned "at the request of his aged mother." A simple sum
+in addition establishes the fact that, if the patient maintains his
+present average, he will considerably more than double his fortune
+in a year. Yet none of the newspaper commentators have realised the
+tremendous possibilities underlying this achievement.
+
+We are threatened with national insolvency, and here is an infallible
+remedy ready to hand. Lord FISHER'S panacea for our discontents was to
+"sack the lot"--to dismiss all our rulers and administrators. But he
+had only a glimmering of the truth. Our cry should rather be, "Lock up
+the lot." Experience has taught us that if complete latitude is given
+to eccentrics and incompetents, if, in the words of Professor SODDY,
+F.R.S., the destinies of the country are entrusted to people of
+archaic mental outlook, the result is bound to be disastrous and
+chaotic. But if you treat them as lunatics, there is a strong
+presumption of their mending their ways and proving valuable factors
+in the economic reconstruction of the Empire and the world.
+
+Grave evils call for drastic treatment, and in view of the hectic
+condition of the Stock Exchange and the "vicious circle" round which
+industrialism is now unhappily revolving I cannot but think that the
+temporary seclusion of the Ministry in a psychopathic ward might be
+fraught with economic consequences of the utmost importance. Even if
+they were only able to reduce our indebtedness at the same rate as
+that attained by the American millionaire, their combined efforts
+would represent a magnificent total.
+
+Perhaps it would be wiser to proceed tentatively and not commit
+ourselves for more than six weeks to start with. It is just
+conceivable that the treatment might stimulate extravagance instead
+of economy. Financial thrombosis is not unknown as one of the obscurer
+forms of megalomania. Still, as I have said, the experiment is worth
+making.
+
+In other spheres of activity the results achieved are most
+encouraging. For example, an extremely _outré_ Cubist who was
+recently consigned to a psychopathic ward at the instigation of his
+grandmother, developed a remarkable talent for painting in the manner
+of MARCUS STONE; while a neo-Georgian composer under similar
+treatment has produced a series of _études_ indistinguishable from the
+pianoforte music of STERNDALE BENNETT, though he had previously
+far outstripped the most unbridled and exacerbated aberrations of
+SCRIABINE in his latest phase.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Commercial Candour.
+
+  "YE OLDE TEA HOUSE
+
+  (Opposite the Church).
+
+  HOME-MADE CAKES. ANTIQUES."
+
+  _Local Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TO BE SURE.
+
+    'Why do you call that performing poodle Sidius?'
+
+    'He's a dog star, ain't he now?'"
+
+    _Canadian Paper._
+
+Still we don't see it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PROVISION MERCHANT.
+
+"CAN WE SUPPLY YOU WITH A CAR, SIR? CERTAINLY.
+
+THIS IS OUR 1920 TOURING MODEL--PROVISIONAL, OF COURSE.
+
+BY THE WAY, THE BODY, YOU SEE, IS ONLY A PROVISIONAL ONE.
+
+THE ENGINE DESIGN IS PURELY PROVISIONAL, YOU'LL UNDERSTAND--
+
+AND THE HORSEPOWER IS PROVISIONALLY FIXED AT 12-78.
+
+DELIVERY IS IN EIGHTEEN MONTHS--QUITE PROVISIONAL, THAT IS--
+
+AND THE PRICE WE PUT PROVISIONALLY AT £1,200.
+
+WE SHALL REQUIRE, OF COURSE, A DEPOSIT OF £600 BEFORE WE CAN
+PROVISIONALLY ACCEPT THE ORDER.
+
+I MAY ADD THAT A GUARANTEE GOES WITH EACH CAR--PROVISIONAL,
+NATURALLY--
+
+AND WE WILL PROVISIONALLY UNDERTAKE TO INFORM YOU OF ANY PROVISIONAL
+ALTERATIONS--
+
+THAT WE MAY MAKE IN OUR PROVISIONAL DESIGNS IF YOU APPLY TO OUR
+PROVISIONAL WORKS--
+
+--PROVIDED----NO, SIR, I CANNOT TELL YOU WHERE YOU CAN HIRE A
+PUSH-BIKE!!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"THE MYSTERY OF THE YELLOW ROOM."
+
+Gentlemen of the Press having been tactfully requested not to give
+away this awesome mystery, I am barred by the fastidious sense of
+honour which distinguishes our profession from spoiling your pleasure
+in this matter--a course which otherwise I should naturally have
+preferred.
+
+Not that I have any too clear idea of what it was all about or why an
+innocent gentleman should be apparently going to be guillotined for
+it. For there was no question of anyone having been murdered, the only
+tangible crime before the Court that I could see being the abstraction
+of some scientific papers. However don't imagine that this vagueness
+will deprive you of the pleasures of shock. Only don't go thinking
+about it. Remember _Rosamund_ and her Purple Jar.
+
+I think I am free to tell you that a young journalist possessing
+(characteristically) "fantastic humour and exuberant gaiety," a famous
+amateur detective to boot, outwits all the official police, robs the
+law of its prey and finds a long-lost mother for himself.
+
+If this doesn't excite you sufficiently you can extract fun from
+subsidiary details. It is always diverting to the unspoilt soul when
+the principal lady goes to turn up one lamp and the other promptly
+glows instead; or when, a particularly obvious and commonplace knock
+assaulting the ear, she exclaims in tragic accents, "There's someone
+at the door;" or when the detective drags from the bottom of the lake
+a pair of the driest of dry old boots.
+
+Or, if you are superior to this kind of thing, you can amuse yourself
+by deducing from the practice before you the famous _Rules for
+Revolvers_, which, _mutatis mutandis_, are as old as the Aristotelian
+unities and, for all I (or, probably, you) know to the contrary, were
+laid down at the same time by the same hand.
+
+_Rule 1._ "All Innocent Characters expecting murderous assault
+from Particularly Desperate Villains will provide themselves with
+revolvers. Before retiring for the tragic night they will, grasping
+the revolver firmly in the right hand, place it carefully (as
+Professor LEACOCK would direct) on the revolver-stand. The P.D.V.
+will then know what to do about it. (_Note_: P.D.V.'s do not carry
+revolvers. They don't need to.)
+
+_Rule 2._ "I.C.'s actually attacking P.D.V.'s will on no account fire,
+but, advancing stealthily, will offer their pistol-wrist to the enemy,
+who will at once lock it in a deathly grip. After a brief struggle,
+swaying this way and that, the P.D.V. will, on the word 'Four,' put on
+another beard and have the I.C. thrown into prison." And so forth.
+
+I have no serious fault to find with these tactics. On the contrary.
+But I rather think that in the first Act an incident was introduced
+(no doubt in the spirit of the little girl's explanation _à propos_ of
+her riddle, "That was just put in to make it more difficult"), which
+was not quite cricket as it is played by the best people in these
+stage shockers.
+
+But I am on dangerous grounds. Let me say that Mr. HANNAFORD BENNETT
+has been distinctly ingenious in his adaptation from M. GASTON
+LEROUX'S hectic feuilleton; that Miss SYBIL THORNDIKE put in a much
+finer quality of work than is usually supplied with this kind of
+heroine; that Miss DAISY MARKHAM as her friend played very gaily
+and prettily as long as the situation allowed it, and that Messrs.
+FRANKLIN DYALL, LEWIS CASSON, NICHOLAS HANNEN, ARTHUR PUSEY, MAJOR
+JONES, COLSTON MANSELL and the Prompter all did notable work.
+
+T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Joseph Rouletabille_ (Mr. ARTHUR PUSEY) to _Frederic
+Larsan_ (Mr. FRANKLIN DYALL). "FATHER, I AM A JOURNALIST; I CANNOT
+TELL A LIE. YOU DID IT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Erudite Contemporaries.
+
+    "No doubt the inhabitants of the seaside resorts are duly
+    grateful as they turn their faces to the trippers and the sun.
+    Like Niobe, they are all smiles."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It certainly was a heavy swell, but the good ship 'Onward'
+    had, so to speak, got its sea legs, and so had the party
+    aboard; and although we rolled, it was a long steady roll
+    which in time became almost most enjoyable."
+
+    _Isle of Man Weekly Times._
+
+It is on occasions like these that the Manxman finds his third leg so
+useful.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CUTCHERY CATS.
+
+    [In order to check the depredations of mice and rats the
+    Government of India have directed the maintenance of cats in
+    every public office ("Cutchery"). Rations do not err on the
+    side of over-abundance, and the cats in consequence are not
+    always the most favourable specimens.]
+
+  What time five notes on the cutchery gong
+    The aged orderly rings,
+  And he who calleth the waiting throng
+    Striketh his work and sings,
+  There cometh a man with broken meats,
+  Cheerily calling, and him there greets
+  With wailing of souls that are tried too long,
+    A bevy of Fearsome Things.
+
+  Ribbed as railings and lank as rods,
+    Stark as the toddy trees,
+  Swarming as when from the bursting pods
+    Scatter the ripened peas,
+  Flaming pupil and naked claw,
+  Gaunt and desolate, maimed and raw,
+  Cats by courtesy, but, ye gods!
+    Never were cats like these.
+
+  Nay, of a verity these be souls
+    Such as in life were vile,
+  Risen again from the nethermost coals
+    To harry the earth a while;
+  Versed in wickedness, old in sin,
+  Never was hell could hold them in,
+  And back they hasten in droves and shoals
+    To desecrate and defile.
+
+  Here where the shadow of Ancient Lies
+    Falleth athwart the room,
+  Where the Angel of Evil Counsel plies
+    His chariot through the gloom,
+  Where the Lost Endeavours and Faded Hopes
+  Cluster like fruit in the mango-topes,
+  Here is the perfectest paradise
+    For the damned to work their doom.
+
+  And swear will I by the Cloven Hoof
+    And the name of the Manichees,
+  By the hair that riseth despite reproof
+    And the rebel veins that freeze,
+  That at night, when the graves give up their dead
+  And the thunder belloweth overhead,
+  You would not get me under this roof
+    For a lakh of the best rupees!
+
+     *     *     *     *     *
+
+  The Magistrate's risen and eke the Sub,
+    And bicycles homeward spin;
+  The clerks depart with a shrill hubbub
+    And the snores of the guard begin;
+  Ah, lock ye the strong-room sure and fast,
+  For the night draws down and the day is past;
+  Masters, I will away to the Club,
+    For the hour of the cats is in.
+
+  H. B.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Batsman._ "I DON'T WANT NONE OF YOUR UNDER'ANDS. BOWL
+ANOTHER AN' I TAKES THE BAT 'OME--SEE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+Although _Madeline of the Desert_ (UNWIN) is published in the First
+Novel series, it by no means follows that Mr. ARTHUR WEIGALL can be
+considered a beginner in authorship, his various activities already
+including some volumes on Egyptology that have made for him a wide
+circle of appreciative readers. You will therefore be correct in
+guessing that the Desert of the title is Egyptian; also that the story
+is one in which the setting and the local colour are treated with
+expert knowledge and an infectious enthusiasm. Of _Madeline_ herself I
+should say at once that nothing in her life, as shown here, became her
+like the beginning of it. Her entrance into the tale, arriving out of
+the desert to consult the recluse, _Father Gregory_, whose nephew
+she afterwards marries, does very strikingly achieve an effect of
+personality. _Madeline_ was a product of Port Said and, when we first
+meet her, an adventuress of international reputation, or lack of
+it. Then _Robin_ rescues, marries and educates her. It was the last
+process that started the trouble. _Madeline_ took to education more
+readily than a duck to water; and the worst of it was that she was by
+no means willing to keep the results and her conclusions therefrom to
+herself; indeed she developed the lecturing habit to an extent that
+almost (but not quite) ruined her charm. Mr. WEIGALL is so obviously
+sincere in all this that, though I cannot exonerate him from a charge
+of using _Madeline_ as the mouthpiece of his own sociological and
+religious views, I must acknowledge his good intentions, while
+deploring what seems to me an artistic error. But, all said, the book
+is very far from being ordinary; its quality in the portrayal both of
+place and character is of the richest promise for future stories,
+in which I hope the author will give us more pictures of the land he
+understands so well.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I certainly admit that the publishers of _The Strangeness of Noel
+Carton_ (JENKINS) have every justification for speaking of it as "a
+new note in a novel." Indeed that clever writer, Mr. WILLIAM CAINE,
+has here sounded as new, original and (for all its surface humour)
+horrible a note as any I have heard in fiction for some time. My
+trouble is that I can hardly indicate it without giving away the
+whole business. Very briefly the tale is of one _Noel Carton_, who has
+married beneath him for not quite enough money to gild a detestable
+union, and, being an unstable egoist and waster, presently seeks
+consolation (and pocket money) by writing a novel founded in part on
+his own position. One may note in passing that Mr. CAINE seems to have
+but a modest idea of the mental equipment required for such a task.
+Still I suppose he knows, and anyway that isn't the point. The point
+is that, once _Noel_ has got himself properly projected into his
+novel, all sorts of the queerest and most bogie coincidences begin to
+occur. Again to quote the puff preliminary, "as the book develops the
+reader has a suspicion which becomes almost a certainty, until the
+great and astounding climax is reached;" concerning which you may
+justly remark that no reader with a certainty would regard its
+verification as "astounding." But this takes nothing from the craft
+with which, on looking back, you see the climax to have been prepared.
+I could hardly call the tale altogether pleasant, but it is undeniably
+new and vastly original.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The good Sioux glories in his scalps, and Mr. ISAAC F. MARCOSSON,
+of Louisville, must surely be the Great Chief of interviewers.
+Interviewing, he tells us, is, after all, only a form of reporting,
+and so are history, poetry and romance. What, he asks, were MOMMSEN
+and GIBBON, WORDSWORTH and KEATS but reporters, and I can only answer,
+What indeed? To have been found worthy of tonsure by Mr. MARCOSSON it
+is necessary to be very eminent, and to win his highest praise it
+is essential also to be a good "imparter," though he has a kind of
+sneaking admiration for the paleface who insists on handing him a
+written statement and declines to speak. Such a one was Sir EDWARD
+CARSON. Hanging to Mr. MARCOSSON'S girdle are the _chevelures_ of
+Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, Lord HAIG, Marshal FOCH, Sir JAMES BARRIE and Mr.
+ROOSEVELT, to name no more. Naturally _Adventures in Interviewing_
+(LANE) is full of side-lights on the recent war. How could it be
+otherwise when so many celebrated brains are laid bare? One quotation
+I cannot refrain from giving. Speaking of Lord BEAVERBROOK he
+says, "He had come to London a decade ago, to live 'the life of a
+gentleman,' but was drawn irresistibly into politics." I challenge our
+literature to produce a more beautiful "but."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Miss EDITH DART has grouped against her Dartmoor setting in _Sareel_
+(PHILIP ALLAN) just the characters to act out the well-worn story of
+the mutual infatuation of a young man of birth and an ignorant country
+maid. But though _Sareel_, the little workhouse-reared servant at the
+farm, falls in love in the accepted fashion with the best-looking of
+the three young men who lodge there on a reading tour, and though he
+duly falls in love with her, the innocence of her soul keeps their
+passion on the highest plane. What is more, when _Alan_, as such young
+gentlemen in fiction generally do, changes his mind Miss DART provides
+a happy ending, without even a suicide to spoil it, and without
+inconsistency either in her own point of view or in that of her
+characters. I don't really believe that Devonshire people say that
+they like things "brave and well" quite as often as Miss DART makes
+hers, and I wish she had not so great a fondness for the word "such"
+that she must invent phrases as weird as "though he had not sought
+such" in order to bring it in; but apart from these trifles _Sareel_,
+as something like a feminine version of a book by Mr. EDEN PHILLPOTTS
+arranged for family reading, will certainly please a great many
+people.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If you would like to see a white lady ride on a white horse to Banbury
+Cross and elsewhere with a body-guard of men in tin hats, carrying
+_The Banner_ (COLLINS) and proclaiming the League of Youth (against
+war and other evils) and forcible retirement from all offices of
+profit or power under the Crown at the age of forty, get Mr. HUGH F.
+SPENDER'S new and, as it seems to me, rather ingenuous novel. Love is
+not neglected, for a peer's son, deaf and dumb through shell-shock,
+so responds to the counter-irritant of seeing this modern JOAN riding
+through Piccadilly that he recovers both speech and hearing and
+promptly uses them to put her a leading question and understand her
+version of "But this is so sudden. However----" There is a people's
+army; a rose-water revolution with the King accepting it as all in the
+day's dull work; a fight or rather an arming of a few last-ditchers
+of the old order, and much else that is not likely to happen outside
+Ruritania. Also candid expression of the opinions of (I take it) the
+"Wee Frees" concerning _Glamorgan Jones_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If Mr. ALAN GRAHAM does not unsettle my conviction that it is easier
+to begin a story of hidden treasure than it is to finish it, I can
+nevertheless promise you a good day with the sleuth-hounds, should you
+decide to _Follow the Little Pictures_ (BLACKWOOD). For some not
+too lucid reason I went to the meet with a fear in my heart that the
+command in the title referred to the "movies," and my relief was great
+on discovering that it was taken from a cipher containing the key to
+the treasure. The scene of this hunt is laid in Scotland, and the most
+notable figure among its followers is a certain _Laird Tanish_. The
+pecuniary fortunes of the _Tanish_ clan were at a low ebb, and in his
+determination to improve them by winning the prize the _Laird_ broke
+all the rules of the game and gave way to terrific outbursts of rage
+in the manner of those explosive gentlemen with whom Miss ETHEL DELL
+has familiarised us. There is both ingenuity and originality in
+this story, and I should be doing the author and his readers a great
+disservice if I disclosed the details of the plot. Anyone with a bent
+for treasure-hunting will be missing a fine opportunity if he refuses
+to have a day (or a night) with Mr. GRAHAM'S hounds.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress._ "NORAH, DO YOU EVER REPEAT ANYTHING YOU
+HEAR THE MASTER AND MYSELF SAY TO EACH OTHER WHEN WE HAVE A SLIGHT
+DIFFERENCE OF OPINION?"
+
+_Domestic._ "THE SAINTS FORBID, MUM!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Sympathetic Auditor.
+
+    "Dr. R. C. Ghostley, of Edmonton, was in the city last week
+    and attended Sir Oliver Lodge's lecture."--_Canadian Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "W. W. ----, the Rugby International forward, won his third
+    success in four days at Chesham Oddfellows' and Foresters'
+    sports yesterday, when he took first prize in the 10 yards
+    open event, with 7-1/2 yards start, in 9-2/5 sec."--_Daily
+    Paper._
+
+His strong point, we gather, is not speed but staying-power.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_À propos_ of the DE KEYSER case:--
+
+    "Unfortunately, the Dora regulations against free speech
+    and printing were never taken before the High Court, and our
+    ancestors will wonder at our timidity."--_Daily Herald._
+
+We understand that Sir A. CONAN DOYLE has already received several
+urgent messages on the subject.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+p. 438: Removed extraneous "'s" from "GASTON'S" ...
+        [M. GASTON LEROUX'S]
+
+p. 440: Changed "9 2-5" to "9-2/5" ...
+        [in 9-2/5 sec."--_Daily Paper_.]
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+158, June 2, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158,
+June 2, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158, June 2, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 25, 2010 [EBook #31071]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+ <h1>PUNCH,<br />
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+  <h2>Volume 158, Jan-Jul 1920</h2>
+
+  <h2>June 2, 1920</h2>
+  <hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page421" id="page421"></a>[pg 421]</span>
+
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p>Some idea of the heat experienced in
+this country last week can be deduced
+from the fact that several bricklayers
+were distinctly seen to wipe their brows
+in their own time.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It is all very well for <span class="sc">Lenin</span> to talk
+about Great Britain recognising Russia,
+while his followers are doing their best
+to render the place almost unrecognisable.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Normally, says Dr. <span class="sc">Geoffrey Keynes</span>,
+a person has fifteen thousand
+millions of blood corpuscles
+circulating in his body. People
+suffering with insomnia
+might try counting them in
+bed.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>According to a scientific
+journal, tests recently made
+show that microbes cannot live
+long on coins. "Middle Class"
+writes to say this is nothing
+new to him, as no germ could
+live on his salary.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The promoters of the Milk
+and Dairies Bill hope to ensure
+clean milk for the public.
+They seem to have thought out
+an improvement on the present
+system by which certain dairymen
+are in the habit of washing
+their milk.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It took nature several million
+years, says <i>The New York
+World</i>, to make a ton of coal.
+It looks as if she has arranged
+to charge us retrospectively by
+the hour for the stuff.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A gold wedding-ring has been
+found inside a large doe rabbit
+which was shot recently in a
+wheat-field near Wilbury. The
+question arises, "Do modern rabbits go
+through the marriage ceremony?"</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The latest fad of the American golfer
+is to have a small painting made of
+himself in the act of driving. We feel,
+however, that it will be some time
+before English golfers will place orders
+for plaster casts of their language.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Nearly all the extra firemen required
+for the London Fire Brigade have been
+engaged. Clients are assured that arrears
+of fires will now be worked off
+with all speed.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>According to a daily paper a severe
+thunderstorm which recently visited
+Luton was not heard by the audience
+in a local concert hall. It is rumoured
+that a performer was at the time reciting
+a chapter of Lord <span class="sc">Fisher's</span>
+autobiography.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A strike of incubator-makers is threatened
+and many grocers who stock breakfast-eggs
+fear that a lot of chicks may
+come out in sympathy.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>According to an evening paper a
+young lady who was chased by a bull
+in a provincial meadow ran a quarter
+of a mile and jumped a stream sixteen
+feet wide before gaining safety. Not
+much of a jump, surely, considering the
+long run she took.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Whilst motoring between Baldock
+and Grantham one is struck by the
+greenness of the growing wheat and
+barley," states a writer in a motor
+journal. The regularity with which
+these cereal grasses adopt this colour
+is certainly worthy of attention.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Our heart goes out to the American
+travellers who set foot on our shores
+at Southampton one day last week just
+five minutes after closing-time.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>In their recent match against Sussex
+the first four Middlesex batsmen each
+scored a century. We understand that
+in order to obviate a recurrence of this
+sort of thing a movement is on foot
+to increase the number of runs in a
+century to a hundred and fifty.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>We are informed that "a man arrested
+by Dutch fishermen in the belief
+that it was the <span class="sc">Crown Prince</span> making
+his escape turned out to be a notorious
+jewel thief." The error seems to have
+been excusable.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The case of the dock labourer who
+appeared at a County Court in a tail
+coat and white waistcoat is now explained.
+The man's valet, who
+usually looks after these things
+for him, had gone on strike for
+more wages.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Charged with taking one
+hundred and forty-five pounds
+of his employers' money a
+Newcastle office-boy was
+stated to have been reading
+trashy novels. It was thought
+to be only fair to the financial
+papers that the public
+should know where he got
+the idea from.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"I reckon I can drink fifty
+pints a day, easy," a witness
+told the Portsmouth magistrates.
+He may do it for a
+while, but sooner or later his
+arm is bound to go back on
+him.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Under British guidance,"
+says a contemporary, "Persia's
+future is bright with promise."
+We know nothing of its future,
+but its present seems to be
+scintillating with performance
+under Bolshevik direction.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Cave exploration," declares
+a writer in <i>The Daily Mail</i>,
+"is a most fascinating sport."
+There is always the thrilling possibility
+that you may find another Liberal
+principle hidden away somewhere.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Owing to the increased cost of living
+it is said that burglars will now only
+book jewel robberies of two thousand
+pounds and over.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/421-800.png"><img src="images/421-300.png" width="300" height="380" alt="CHAGRIN OF MEMBER OF ADVANCED ART GROUP AT NECESSITY OF MAKING THE LETTERING OF HIS POSTER INTELLIGIBLE." /></a>
+<p class="center">CHAGRIN OF MEMBER OF ADVANCED ART GROUP
+AT NECESSITY OF MAKING THE LETTERING OF HIS
+POSTER INTELLIGIBLE.</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+
+<h3>"NEW POLICY IN IRELAND.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">
+<span class="sc">No Trials Without Arrests.</span>"</p>
+
+<p class="author1"><i>Dublin Paper.</i>
+</p>
+
+<p class="ind">A good idea, but it was anticipated in
+the matter of jugged hare.</p>
+
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+"Register as a regular reader of <i>The Daily &mdash;&mdash;</i>,
+and you at once disqualify for &pound;3 a week
+during disablement."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind">We shall be careful not to register.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page422" id="page422"></a>[pg 422]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>ODYSSEUS AT THE DERBY.</h2>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[Racing men will not need to be reminded that Polumetis (many-counselled)
+is named after a common epithet of the hero of the <i>Odyssey</i>.]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>At times the pulse of memory is stirred</p>
+<p class="i2">Out of a chronic state of coma</p>
+<p>By just a poignant tune, a rhythmic word,</p>
+<p class="i2">A whiff of some refined aroma,</p>
+<p>And lo! the brain is made aware</p>
+<p>Of records which it didn't know were there.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>So in a sudden moment I was shot</p>
+<p class="i2">Back to my boyhood and the highly</p>
+<p>Instructive works of <span class="sc">Homer</span>, long forgot,</p>
+<p>And with the late <i>Odysseus</i> (wily)</p>
+<p>Ploughed once again the wine-red deep</p>
+<p>On drawing Polumetis in a sweep.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Oh, "many-counselled" hero! if a horse</p>
+<p class="i2">Your attributes may also borrow,</p>
+<p>Lend him your cunning round the Derby course,</p>
+<p class="i2">Teach him a thing or two to-morrow,</p>
+<p>That at the end it may be said:</p>
+<p>"He did a great performance with his head."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>As you contrived by tricks of crafty skill</p>
+<p class="i2">Ever to down your foes and flatten 'em,</p>
+<p>So may he lie low going up the hill,</p>
+<p class="i2">Secure the inside berth at Tattenham,</p>
+<p>And do a finish up the straight</p>
+<p>Swift as your shafts that sealed the suitors' fate!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Fortune attend his name, though some deplore</p>
+<p class="i2">Its pedantry, and I assume it is</p>
+<p>Likely, from what I know of bookies' lore,</p>
+<p class="i2">That on the rails he'll be "Poloometis";</p>
+<p>For me, I do not care two pins</p>
+<p>How they pronounce him, if he only wins.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="author1">O. S.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>THE SERENE BATSMAN.</h2>
+
+<p>It is a common fallacy among cricketing coaches and their
+pupils that when the young batsman has mastered all the
+strokes that can be imparted to him at the nets his education
+is complete. So far from that being the case, it has
+barely begun. Under the prevailing system, the psychological
+factor, the most important of all, is entirely neglected.
+The most trying moment of a cricketer's life is when he first
+steps forth alone from the pavilion of a public ground. In
+that moment all that the old pro has taught him of cuts and
+drives, forward play and back play, will not prevent his knees
+from weakening as he totters to the wicket, whereas the
+following hints may enable him to face the occasion with
+confidence if not contempt.</p>
+
+<p>Remember that for a public performer a good entrance
+is more than half the battle; the first impression on the
+spectators is the most lasting.</p>
+
+<p>Nothing looks worse than a batsman hurrying out at a
+furtive trot, as if he were going to pawn his bat. When
+your turn comes to go in, take care to be just within the
+regulation two minutes, but school yourself to emerge from
+the pavilion at a leisurely stride with more than a suspicion
+of swagger in it. The bat should not be carried as a shy
+curate carries a shabby umbrella, but either boldly across
+the shoulder, like a rifle, or tucked under the armpit, so that
+you may do up your batting-gloves in your progress across
+the greensward. An excellent effect will be produced if
+you pause half-way and execute a few fancy strokes at an
+imaginary ball. Besides, you may not have another opportunity
+of displaying your accomplishment.</p>
+
+<p>Having, as it were, reported yourself at the wicket, it is
+a good plan to discover that you need a new batting-glove.
+This will afford you an excuse for a return journey to the
+pavilion, during which your gait will lose nothing in stateliness
+if you can manage to adopt the goose-step. On your
+return to the wicket you will probably find, if the weather
+is mild and the grass dry, that the fieldsmen are reclining
+on the ground; it will enhance your reputation for nonchalance
+and good-fellowship if you can contrive to give one
+of them a playful pat with your bat in passing, especially
+if he is a total stranger to you and much your senior.</p>
+
+<p>On your second arrival at the wicket, you might get the
+wicket-keeper to take his gloves off and adjust the straps of
+your pads. This is one of many subtle ways of demoralising
+the fielding side and whetting the interest of the onlookers.</p>
+
+<p>After taking middle with such scrupulous exactitude as
+to imply that you suspect the umpire's eyesight, take one
+of the bails and scratch a block deep enough to plant
+something in. Then beckon to the square-leg umpire to
+come and replace the bail. In this you will be strictly
+within the law, and nobody can suspect you of the surreptitious
+use of a little cobbler's wax.</p>
+
+<p>Your next move should be to summon the other batsman
+to a whispered conference in the middle of the pitch. It
+doesn't much matter what you say to him; a new funny
+story or the plot of a play you saw last week will serve to
+make him assume an air of thoughtful attention.</p>
+
+<p>After a chat of about five minutes, you will return slowly
+to your crease, there to scrutinise the slip fieldsmen, and
+then to gaze all round the ground as if to make sure that
+the other side is not playing more than eleven men.</p>
+
+<p>When taking your stance you will do well to give full
+effect to some such mannerism as Mr. <span class="sc">Warner's</span> trick of
+hitching up the left side of the trousers and tapping the
+ground seven times. And just as the bowler is about to
+start his run you can disconcert him by suddenly whipping
+round to see if they have moved another man over to the
+leg side while your back was turned.</p>
+
+<p>As soon as the bowler has covered half his course to the
+wicket you should raise your hand to arrest his career.
+Then you must stroll about a third of the way up the pitch
+and give the ground a good slapping with the face of
+your bat.</p>
+
+<p>If you feel so inclined, there is no reason why you should
+not repeat this man&oelig;uvre. Nothing is more calculated to
+upset a highly-strung bowler. And when the ball does
+come down the chances are that it will be a wide, in
+which case you will have earned one run for your side.
+If, on the other hand, it should happen to knock your
+middle stump out of the ground, there is nothing more to
+be done, but you will have the satisfactory feeling that your
+little turn in the limelight has not been utterly inglorious.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h4 style="margin-top: -0.5em;"><span class="sc">Cecil Clay</span>.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Athlete and wit, whose genial tongue</p>
+<p>Cheered and refreshed but never stung;</p>
+<p>Maker of mirth and wholesome jokes;</p>
+<p>Fit mate of dear <span class="sc">Rosina Vokes</span>;</p>
+<p>Creator, to our endless joy,</p>
+<p>Of priceless <i>Arthur Pomeroy</i>&mdash;</p>
+<p>Light lie the earth above his head</p>
+<p>Who lightened many a heart of lead;</p>
+<p>Courteous and chivalrous and gay,</p>
+<p>In very truth no common Clay.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p class="indrl">We learn with regret of the death of Mr. <span class="sc">A. Chantrey
+Corbould</span>, whose work as a sporting artist was familiar
+to an earlier generation of <i>Punch's</i> readers.
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page423" id="page423"></a>[pg 423]</span></p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/423-1500.png"><img src="images/423-380.png" width="380" height="463" alt="ENVOYS EXTRAORDINARY." /></a>
+<h2>ENVOYS EXTRAORDINARY.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> (<i>to Bolshevist Delegates.</i>) "HAPPY TO SEE YOU,
+GENTLEMEN. BUT WOULD
+YOU MIND GOING ROUND BY THE TRADESMEN'S ENTRANCE, JUST FOR THE LOOK OF
+THE THING?"</p></div>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page424" id="page424"></a>[pg 424]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/424-1500.png"><img src="images/424-600.png" width="600" height="408" alt="Shipwrecked Mariner. 'Ahoy, mates! Wot 's won t' Derby?'" /></a>
+<p class="center"><i>Shipwrecked Mariner.</i> "<span class="sc">Ahoy, mates! Wot 's won t'
+Derby?</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+
+<h3>THE RISE AND FALL OF AN AMATEUR EXAMINER.</h3>
+
+<p>The Nabobs is, I suppose, one of the
+best girls' schools in England. Anyhow
+it is perhaps the most exclusive
+unless you have money enough. But,
+as the prospectus says, "it commands
+an extensive view of the English
+Channel," and I suppose these things
+have to be paid for. At all events there
+is no doubt that the principal, Miss
+Penn-Cushing, has her heart in her
+work and is a splendid disciplinarian,
+and so I sent my niece Mollie there to
+be finished (her mother being in India).</p>
+
+<p>I have an idea at times that it is
+Mollie who will finish Miss Penn-Cushing,
+but I try to preserve a benevolent
+neutrality combined with a regular
+supply of food parcels to my niece.</p>
+
+<p>Miss Penn-Cushing is LL.A. of one
+University and LL.B. of another, and,
+I think, LL.C. of a third, so that she
+ought to be more than a match for six
+Mollies.</p>
+
+<p>I have always had the impression
+that Miss Penn-Cushing regarded me
+as a humble entomological specimen
+until the other day when she paid me
+a staggering compliment. She herself
+teaches all the English literature in
+her academy, and each class in turn
+goes up to her room to receive its daily
+dose. Mollie says that when she grows
+up she is going to give up English
+literature for ever and read something
+interesting.</p>
+
+<p>I am glad that the revered Principal
+is never present to hear Mollie's blasphemies,
+at which I as an uncle have
+to shudder. Since the publication of
+<i>The Cambridge History of English
+Literature</i> Miss Penn-Cushing has
+been steadily absorbing it, to help her
+in her daily task, and has apparently
+reached the chapter in which is suitably
+acknowledged the debt of English
+literature to <i>Punch</i>.</p>
+
+<p>So at least I judge, for she gave the
+girls a long serious talk on humour in
+literature, how to detect it and what
+should be done about it. One rather
+sensitive child began to cry, but Mollie,
+who has never kept a secret in her life
+and in fact loves to drag her uncle's
+skeletons out of cupboards, blurted out,
+"Uncle writes for <i>Punch</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>I was somewhat alarmed when I
+heard of this, for I did not know how
+Miss Penn-Cushing, who keeps all the
+girls' uncles in order, might take it.
+My fears were groundless, perhaps
+stupid, for the immediate result was an
+invitation to examine Mollie's form in
+literature at the forthcoming Christmas
+examination. I felt uplifted in
+spirit; I felt that people were beginning
+to understand me. I even entertained
+an hallucination that perhaps Mollie
+might now treat my intellect with
+respect and stop calling me "Old dear."
+Three inches taller I sat down to my
+desk and, thanking Miss Penn-Cushing
+for the honour paid me, I promised I
+would do my best, although it would
+be my first appearance in the <i>r&ocirc;le</i>.</p>
+
+<p>I determined, however, not to allow
+this distinction to make me overbearing
+to my inferiors at our next speech-day.
+I would be affable to ordinary uncles,
+common parents and guardians of the
+other girls, but I would lead the conversation
+artfully on to other literary
+critics and examiners of the past. As
+a preparation I read up <span class="sc">Matthew
+Arnold</span>.</p>
+
+<p>It is not easy to be an examiner, I
+found. I would rather write ten leading
+articles than one examination-paper.
+It appeared that I had to set themes for
+essays as well as questions in literature.
+We never learnt literature when
+I was young and I didn't know you
+could, but I borrowed a text-book from
+Mollie and did my best.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page425" id="page425"></a>[pg 425]</span>
+
+<p>The result was a crushing letter
+from the lady principal. She said that
+"The Ten Points of a good Doll"
+seemed a preposterous subject for senior
+students of literature to write about,
+and "My Favourite Elopement in Fiction"
+would be outside the purview of
+any of her girls. She would substitute
+instead (with my permission), "The
+Debt of Literature (as well as Science)
+to <span class="sc">Darwin</span>" and "My Favourite Piece
+of Epic Poetry." In fine, if I did not
+really mind, she would herself set all
+the questions and I should examine the
+answers. She thought that the more
+fructiferous course.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 300px;"><a href="images/425-1000.png"><img src="images/425-300.png" width="300" height="460" alt="Farmer. 'Eh, Lucy, these moving stairs do be vine things vor saving volk's time.'" /></a>
+<p><i>Farmer.</i> "<span class="sc">Eh, Lucy, these moving stairs do be vine
+things vor saving volk's time.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<p>How to mark was my chief difficulty.
+How many marks should one give a
+darling with brown eyes and a musical
+laugh (Mollie has brought her to tea
+often) who signs herself "Norah
+O'Brien," and winds up delightful irrelevances
+about <span class="sc">Darwin</span> and her abhorrence
+of reptiles with a personal appeal
+to the examiner. I do not know what
+other examiners do in such cases. It
+was a beautifully worded and most respectful
+appeal. I decided to give her
+forty for Norah and forty for O'Brien.
+Both names have always appealed to
+me.</p>
+
+<p>This made it necessary for me to give
+eighty marks to her sister Kathleen,
+who wrote really an excellent essay on
+a subject we had stupidly forgotten to
+set. It was an excellent subject, and
+she has even browner eyes than Norah,
+but as an examiner one must be rigid
+and impartial.</p>
+
+<p>Eunice came next. This name recalled
+dear memories of the past and of
+what might have been. But as an examiner
+I could not let old dreams weigh
+down my impartial scales, so I refused
+to give her more than eighty. Finally,
+for they are really charming girls and
+know far more about literature than I
+do, I gave eighty to everybody except
+Mollie, and for being Mollie I gave her
+eighty-two.</p>
+
+<p>I forgot. There was one perfectly
+horrid little girl called Katie de Pinnock.
+She never shared her chocolates
+with anyone; the fact was notorious.
+She wrote in a copperplate hand sentiments
+like these: "<span class="sc">Milton</span> awes me;
+<span class="sc">Shelley</span> thrills me; <span class="sc">Blake</span>, the prophet
+of self-sacrifice, is ever my consolation
+and my guide. I ask for nothing
+beyond." I gave her nineteen.</p>
+
+<p>And now comes the tragedy. Miss
+Penn-Cushing's letter of thanks was
+icy. She feared I had been "a thought
+nepotic," and (with my permission) she
+would revise my marks.</p>
+
+<p>She dealt me the final blow at our
+Speech-Day. "I have decided," she
+gave out, "to award the first prize in
+Literature to Miss Katie de Pinnock. I
+am sure, though, that you will not be
+surprised to hear that Mr. Marcus
+O'Reilly, our examiner, was so impressed
+with the literary excellence of
+all your papers that he has presented
+the whole class with consolation prizes.
+We tender him our heartiest thanks."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>Commercial Candour.</h3>
+
+<h4>Extract from a Canadian business-circular:&mdash;</h4>
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+"What intelligent car owners have been
+looking for is a tire that will give them a minimum
+amount of service for a maximum
+amount of expenditure. You can get that
+tire from us."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>"THE MASSACRE OF THE INNOCENTS.</h3>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">By the Rt. Hon. C. F. G. Masterman.</span></h4>
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+'Die, thou children of stormy dawn,' cries
+the Prime Minister to-day, as he stamps out
+the life of his little land taxes."&mdash;<i>Daily News.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind2">According to his critic Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd
+George</span> seems to have done great
+violence to his syntax as well as to his
+little land taxes.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+"The bride, a tall brunette, looked a vision
+of golden beauty as she advanced up the aisle
+on the arm of her father."&mdash;<i>Evening Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind2">We do not think that this was the
+right occasion for an exposure of
+feminine camouflage.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page426" id="page426"></a>[pg 426]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>THE ART OF POETRY.</h3>
+
+<h4>I.</h4>
+
+<p>Many people have said to me, "I
+wish I could write poems. I often try,
+but&mdash;&mdash;" They mean, I gather, that
+the impulse, the creative itch, is in
+them, but they don't know how to
+satisfy it. My own position is that I
+know how to write poetry, but I can't
+be bothered. I have not got the itch.
+The least I can do, however, is to try to
+help those who have.</p>
+
+<p>A mistake commonly committed by
+novices is to make up their minds what
+it is they are going to say before they
+begin. This is superfluous effort, tending
+to cramp the style. It is permissible,
+if not essential, to select a <i>subject</i>&mdash;say,
+<span class="sc">MUD</span>&mdash;but any detailed argument
+or plan which may restrict the free development
+of metre and rhyme (if any)
+is to be discouraged.</p>
+
+<p>With that understanding, let us now
+write a poem about <span class="sc">MUD</span>.</p>
+
+<p>I should begin in this sort of way:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Mud, mud,</p>
+<p>Nothing but mud,</p>
+<p>O my God!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>It will be seen at once that we are
+not going to have much rhyme in this
+poem; or if we do we shall very soon
+be compelled to strike a sinister note,
+because almost the only rhymes to
+<i>mud</i> are <i>blood</i> and <i>flood</i>; while, as the
+authors of our hymns have discovered,
+there are very few satisfactory rhymes
+to <i>God</i>. They shamefully evaded the
+difficulty by using words like <i>road</i>, but
+in first-class poetry one cannot do that.
+On the whole, therefore, this poem had
+better be <i>vers libre</i>. That will take
+much less time and be more dramatic,
+without plunging us into a flood of
+blood or anything drastic like that.
+We now go on with a little descriptive
+business:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Into the sunset, swallowing up the sun,</p>
+<p>Crawling, creeping,</p>
+<p>The naked flats&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>Now there ought to be a verb. That
+is the worst of <i>vers libre</i>; one gets
+carried away by beautiful phrases and
+is brought up suddenly by a complete
+absence of verbs. However at a pinch
+one can do without a verb; that is the
+best of <i>vers libre</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Amber and gold,</p>
+<p>Deep-stained in mystery</p>
+<p>And the colours of mystery,</p>
+<p class="i8">Inapprehensible,</p>
+<p>Golden like wet-gold,</p>
+<p>Amber like a woman of Arabia</p>
+<p>That has in her breast</p>
+<p>The forsaken treasures of old Time,</p>
+<p>Love and Destruction,</p>
+<p>Oblivion and Decay,</p>
+<p>And bully-beef tins,</p>
+<p class="i8">Tin upon tin,</p>
+<p>Old boots, and bottles that hold no more</p>
+<p>Their richness in them.</p>
+<p class="i8">And I&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>We might do a good deal more of
+this descriptive business, bringing in
+something about dead bodies, mud of
+course being full of dead bodies. But
+we had better get on. We strike now
+the personal note:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i8">And I,</p>
+<p>I too am no more than a bottle,</p>
+<p class="i8">An empty bottle,</p>
+<p>Heaving helpless on the mud of life,</p>
+<p>Without a label and without a cork,</p>
+<p>Empty I am, yet no man troubles</p>
+<p class="i8">To return me.</p>
+<p class="i8">And why?</p>
+<p>Because there is not sixpence on me.</p>
+<p class="i8">Bah!</p>
+<p>The sun goes down in the West</p>
+<p class="i8">(Or is it the East?)</p>
+<p>But I remain here,</p>
+<p>Drifting empty under the night,</p>
+<p class="i8">Drifting&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>When one is well away with this
+part of the poem it is almost impossible
+to stop. When you are writing in
+metre you come eventually to the
+eighth line of the last verse and you
+have to stop; but in <i>vers libre</i> you
+have no assistance of that kind. This
+particular poem is being written for
+instructional purposes in a journal of
+limited capacity, so it will probably
+have to stop fairly soon; but in practice
+it would go on for a long time yet. In
+any case, however, it would end in the
+same way, like this:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Mud, mud,</p>
+<p>Nothing but mud,</p>
+<p>O, my God!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>That reasserts, you see, in a striking
+manner, the original <i>motif</i>, and somehow
+expresses in a few words the poignant
+melancholy of the whole poem.
+Another advantage in finishing a long
+poem, such as this would be, in the same
+way as you began it is that it makes it
+clear to the reader that he is still reading
+the same poem. Sometimes, and
+especially in <i>vers libre</i> of an emotional
+and digressive character, the reader has
+a hideous fear that he has turned over
+two pages and got into another poem
+altogether. This little trick reassures
+him; and if you are writing <i>vers libre</i>
+you must not lose any legitimate
+opportunity of reassuring the reader.</p>
+
+<p>To treat the same theme in metre
+and rhyme will be a much more difficult
+matter. The great thing will be
+to avoid getting <i>mud</i> at the end of a
+line, for the reasons already given. We
+had better have long ten-syllable lines,
+and we had better have four of them
+in each verse. <span class="sc">Gray</span> wrote an elegy
+in that metre which has given general
+satisfaction. We will begin:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>As I came down through Chintonbury Hole</p>
+<p class="i2">The tide rolled out from Wurzel to the sea.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>In a serious poem of this kind it is
+essential to establish a locality atmosphere
+at once; therefore one mentions
+a few places by name to show that one
+has been there. If the reader has been
+there too he will like the poem, and if
+he hasn't no harm is done. The only
+thing is that locally Chintonbury is
+probably pronounced Chun'bury, in
+which case it will not scan. One cannot
+be too careful about that sort of
+thing. However, as an illustration
+Chintonbury will serve.</p>
+
+<p>It is now necessary to show somehow
+in this verse that the poem is about
+mud; it is also necessary to organise a
+rhyme for 'Hole' and a rhyme for
+'sea,' and of the two this is the more
+important. I shall do it like this:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>And like the uncloth&eacute;d levels of my soul</p>
+<p class="i2">The yellow mud lay mourning nakedly.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>There is a good deal to be said against
+these two lines. For one thing I am
+not sure that the mud ought to be yellow;
+it will remind people of Covent
+Garden Tube Station, and no one wants
+to be reminded of that. However, it
+does suggest the inexpressible biliousness
+of the theme.</p>
+
+<p>I think "levels" is a little weak. It
+is a good poetical word and doesn't
+mean anything in particular; but we
+have too many words of that kind in
+this verse. "Deserts" would do, except
+that deserts and mud don't go very well
+together. However, that sort of point
+must be left to the individual writer.</p>
+
+<p>At first sight the student may think
+that "naked<i>ly</i>" is not a good rhyme
+for "sea." Nor is it. If you do that
+kind of thing in comic poetry no editor
+will give you money. But in serious
+poetry it is quite legitimate; in fact it
+is rather encouraged. That is why
+serious poetry is so much easier than
+comic poetry. In my next lecture I
+shall deal with comic poetry.</p>
+
+<p>I don't think I shall finish this poem
+now. The fact is, I am not feeling so inspired
+as I was. It is very hot. Besides,
+I have got hay-fever and keep on sneezing.
+Constant sneezing knocks all the
+inspiration out of a man. At the same
+time a tendency to hay-fever is a sign
+of intellect and culture, and all the
+great poets were martyrs to it. That
+is why none of them grew very lyrical
+about hay. Corn excited them a good
+deal, and even straw, but hay hardly ever.</p>
+
+<p>So the student must finish this poem
+as best he can, and I shall be glad to
+consider and criticise what he does,
+though I may say at once that there
+will be no prize. It ought to go on for
+another eight verses or so, though that
+is not essential in these days, for if it
+simply won't go on it can just stop in
+the middle. Only then it must be
+headed "<span class="sc">Mud</span>: A Fragment."</p>
+
+<p>And in any case, in the bottom left-hand
+corner, the student must write:
+<i>Chintonbury, May 28th, 1920.</i></p>
+
+<p class="author">A. P. H.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page427" id="page427"></a>[pg 427]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/427-1500.png"><img src="images/427-370.png" width="370" height="468" alt="MANNERS AND MODES." /></a>
+<h3>MANNERS AND MODES.</h3>
+
+<p>WHAT OUR PROFITEER'S BUTLER (WHO WAS TAKEN ON WITH THE HOUSE AND FURNITURE) HAS
+TO
+PUT UP WITH:&mdash;MASTER'S RELATIONS.</p></div>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page428" id="page428"></a>[pg 428]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>ELIZABETH'S TIP FOR THE DERBY.</h3>
+
+<h4>"Talkin' o' the Derby," began Elizabeth.</h4>
+
+<p>As a matter of fact I was not talking
+of the Derby or even thinking of it at
+the moment. I had just been telling
+Elizabeth that the omelette which she
+had served us at dinner was leathery,
+and her remark struck me as irrelevant.</p>
+
+<p>"Master thinks the omelettes would
+be lighter if you fried them in more
+butter," I continued. Of course Master
+had thought nothing of the kind. But
+nowadays complaints must be conveyed
+to domestics in this indirect way.</p>
+
+<p>Elizabeth ignored the omelette. "I'm
+goin' to win fifty pounds at least," she
+exclaimed, and in her excitement broke
+the cup she held&mdash;I mean to say the
+cup came in two in her hand as she
+spoke. "I've got a bit on
+an 'orse for the Derby."</p>
+
+<p>I felt slightly shocked.
+It is always surprising to
+discover a latent sporting
+instinct in one's domestics,
+unless they are highly
+placed and dignified domestics
+like butlers or
+head-footmen; but in a
+cook-general it seems peculiarly
+low.</p>
+
+<p>"I shouldn't bet if I
+were you," I advised; "I
+think&mdash;er&mdash;<i>Master</i> thinks,"
+I added involuntarily&mdash;"that
+you might lose
+money at it."</p>
+
+<p>"But I'm goin' to <i>win</i>
+money this time," announced
+Elizabeth triumphantly;
+"my young man
+ses so, and 'e knows."</p>
+
+<p>"Which young man?" I inquired.</p>
+
+<p>Elizabeth, I ought perhaps to explain,
+is uncertain about her young men. She
+never has any lack of them; but they
+are like ships that pass in the night
+(her night out as a rule) and one by one
+they drift off, never stopping to cast
+anchor in her vicinity. You know what
+I mean. Elizabeth can't <i>keep</i> a young
+man. Perhaps she lacks the charm
+which <span class="sc">Barrie</span> describes as "a sort of a
+bloom on a woman." Or if she has any
+of that bloom it must be swamped in
+the moist oleaginous atmosphere of
+washing-up which seems to cling permanently
+about her.</p>
+
+<p>"It's a new young man," said Elizabeth
+in answer to my question, "an'
+'e's got work in a racin' stable, so that's
+'ow 'e knows wot's goin' to win. It'll
+be an outsider, 'e ses, which makes it
+all the better for me."</p>
+
+<p>"All the better for you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, 'm. You see, the more you puts
+on the more you wins."</p>
+
+<p>Elizabeth may not have charm but
+she certainly has simplicity. "You
+don't mean to say," I cried, a light
+breaking on me, "that you got your
+next month's wages in advance just to
+put it all on a horse?"</p>
+
+<p>"That I did," she replied complacently.
+"You see, my young man ses that,
+if you put it on some time before'and,
+you get a better price, so I thort I'd
+give it to 'im to put on at once. 'E
+promised 'e wouldn't waste a minnit
+over it."</p>
+
+<p>"But this is most foolish of you&mdash;to
+trust your money to an entire stranger,"
+I expostulated.</p>
+
+<p>"'E isn't a stranger&mdash;'e's my young
+man," corrected Elizabeth, tossing her
+head.</p>
+
+<p>For the following few days she was
+radiant&mdash;but then anybody would be
+who was certain of the winner of the
+Derby a week before the race. In
+addition to this she had got a young
+man. Those brief periods when Elizabeth's
+young men are in the incipient
+stages of paying her attention are
+agreeable to everybody. Elizabeth, feeling
+no doubt in her rough untutored
+way that God's in His heaven and all's
+right with the world, sings at her work;
+she shows extraordinary activity when
+going about her duties. She does unusual
+things like remembering to polish
+the brasses every week&mdash;indeed you
+have only to step into the hall and glance
+at the stair-rods to discover the exact
+stage of her latest "affair." I remember
+that, when one ardent swain "in the flying
+corpse" went to the length of offering
+her marriage before he flew away,
+she cleaned the entire house down in
+her enthusiasm, and had actually got
+to the cellars before he vanished out
+of her life.</p>
+
+<p>The follower from the racing stable
+might aptly be described as "The Man
+Who Never Came Back." He romped
+out of Elizabeth's existence on the Sunday
+preceding the Derby.</p>
+
+<p>"I waited for 'im four-an'-an-'arf 'ours,
+an' 'e didn't turn up," she informed me
+next day.</p>
+
+<p>"Perhaps he was prevented from
+keeping the appointment," I suggested
+to comfort her, though I felt the outlook
+was gloomy.</p>
+
+<p>She shook her head. "I'll never see
+'im no more. I <i>know</i> 'em," she said,
+drawing on the depth of her experience
+of young men who do the vanishing
+trick. "An' my money gone too. It's
+'eartbreakin'. But I might 'ave known
+that that there 'orse was a bad sign."</p>
+
+<p>"What horse?" I asked, bewildered.</p>
+
+<p>"The one 'e told me to put my money
+on. The name alone ought to have set
+me agen it; it was too true to life."</p>
+
+<p>"And what was the
+name of the horse?" I
+inquired as she drifted
+dismally to the door.</p>
+
+<p>"'E Goes," said Elizabeth
+mournfully.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><a href="images/428-1000.png"><img src="images/428-500.png" width="500" height="348" alt="'Try 'im wiv a worm, Guv'nor!'" /></a>
+<p class="center">"<span class="sc">Try 'im wiv a worm, Guv'nor!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>THINGS NOT GENERALLY KNOWN.</h3>
+
+<h4>(<i>By our Lunatic Contributor.</i>)</h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>That the notorious <span class="sc">King Belshazzar</span></p>
+<p>Was noted as the earliest Jazzer;</p>
+<p>That, on the contrary, <span class="sc">Zerubbabel</span></p>
+<p>Was most exclusive and unclubbable;</p>
+<p>That <span class="sc">Romulus</span> and brother <span class="sc">Remus</span></p>
+<p>Were not so tall as Polyphemus;</p>
+<p>That the one weakness of Calypso</p>
+<p>Was what is briefly known as "dipso;"</p>
+<p>That <span class="sc">Clodius</span>, very long ago,</p>
+<p>First bore the nickname of "Old Clo;"</p>
+<p>That the illustrious <span class="sc">Palestrina</span></p>
+<p>Did not invent the concertina;</p>
+<p>That <span class="sc">Wagner's</span> methods in <i>Tannh&auml;user</i></p>
+<p>Never appealed to <i>Mrs. Poyser</i>;</p>
+<p>That the Albanian <span class="sc">Prenk Bib Doda</span></p>
+<p>Prefers his whisky <i>minus</i> soda;</p>
+<p>That good Professor <span class="sc">Flinders Petrie</span></p>
+<p>Did not discover <span class="sc">Sacha Guitry</span>.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>Our Journalistic Sleuths.</h3>
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+"The circumstances under which the deceased
+came by his death are shrouded in
+mystery. From the gun shot wounds it is
+surmised that he either shot himself or somebody
+had shot him."&mdash;<i>Indian Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+"Would Persons present in Restaurant in
+Shiprow on Saturday Night, when dispute
+arose with regard to sixpence, please communicate
+with No. 798 Express Office?"</p>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Scotch Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind">Who heard the bang?</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page429" id="page429"></a>[pg 429]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/429-1500.png"><img src="images/429-600.png" width="600" height="461" alt="[Week-end hostesses are now giving 'Lend-a-hand' parties, at which every guest is expected to do some household service.]" /></a>
+<p>[Week-end hostesses are now giving "Lend-a-hand" parties, at
+which every guest is expected to do some household service.]</p>
+
+<p><i>Wife.</i> "<span class="sc">I'm asking Dolly Ditchwater this week-end. Bit dull, but she
+doesn't drop the china.</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Husband.</i> "<span class="sc">Don't forget Bertie Bunt. Bit of a bounder, but he's an ace
+at cleaning boots.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>AMERICA AGAIN.</h3>
+
+<p>A situation of extreme international
+delicacy has recently arisen. We understand,
+with regard to the impending
+strike of Italian organ-grinders and ice-cream
+merchants in the Metropolis, that
+Signori Rimbombo Furioso and Fagiuolo
+Antico, representing the Amalgamated
+Society of Itinerant Instrumentalists
+and the National Union of Refrigerated
+Tuck Sellers, have lately been invited to
+a conference with Dr. <span class="sc">Macnamara</span>, and
+their economic grievances are now under
+the consideration of the <span class="sc">Minister of
+Labour</span>. These, briefly, are as follows:</p>
+
+<ul class="none">
+<li>(1) The high price of sugar.</li>
+
+<li>(2) Restricted hours and insufficient emoluments.</li>
+
+<li>(3) Undue interference by the police.</li>
+
+<li>(4) Inadequate supplies of monkey nuts.</li>
+</ul>
+
+<p>It now appears that in order to make
+a bid for the large Italian vote in the
+forthcoming Presidential elections in
+the U.S.A. a violent anti-British propaganda
+campaign is raging on the
+other side of the Atlantic, and that an
+enormous amount of spurious sympathy
+is being manufactured on behalf of the
+purveyors of rotary music and frozen
+confectionery in Soho. Beautiful Italian
+girls are daily besieging the British
+Embassy at Washington with placards
+bearing such inscriptions as&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<p class="center">SHOULD HOKEY POKEY SUFFER?</p>
+
+<p class="center">ENGLAND COERCES HER TRAVELLING ORGANISTS.</p>
+
+<p class="center">AMERICANS! HELP THE DUMB APE!</p>
+
+
+<p>The agitation is the more uncalled for
+since, as a matter of fact, both Signor
+Furioso and Signor Antico, like most of
+their compatriots in this country, are
+pronounced Irredentists and filled with
+aspirations for a larger Italy, so that
+they have little or nothing in common
+with anti-Imperialistic America. Nevertheless,
+so bitter is the feeling which
+has been aroused that large subsidies are
+being sent overseas and Black Hand
+gangs organised to resist the London
+police. All over the outer suburbs
+organ-grinders are refusing to move on,
+and insist on playing well into the
+early hours of the morning. Deleterious
+substances of an explosive nature
+are being mingled with the ice cream,
+or else it is being supplied in such a
+watery condition that it is impossible for
+customers to lick it out of the receptacle
+without ruining their shirt fronts and
+waistcoats. Monkeys are being trained
+to give violent manifestations of ferocity,
+and, should the present heat-wave
+continue, rabies is anticipated.</p>
+
+<p>The latest development is a rumoured
+suggestion from the U.S.A. Government
+that a representative should be
+sent over to take part in the Conference,
+and the names of Mr. <span class="sc">Joe Dempsey</span>
+and Mr. <span class="sc">Charles Chaplin</span> have been
+put forward as possible mediators.</p>
+
+<p class="author">V.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+"All is not plane sailing yet for the German
+in search of foreign markets."&mdash;<i>Evening Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind2">But wait till their flying bagmen get to
+work.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page430" id="page430"></a>[pg 430]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/430-1500.png"><img src="images/430-600.png" width="600" height="374" alt="Hairdresser in Ancient Assyria. 'Don't go, Sir. I shall be finished with this nobleman in three or four hours.'" /></a>
+<p class="center"><i>Hairdresser in Ancient Assyria.</i> "<span class="sc">Don't go, Sir. I
+shall be finished with this nobleman in three or four hours.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>PRACTICAL ZOOLOGY.</h3>
+
+<p>There is nothing which distinguishes
+your true Briton so much as the systematic
+study of the ways of wild animals,
+and there is no kind of instruction which
+an English child so eagerly accepts.</p>
+
+<p>"The addax or Nubian antelope,"
+how frequently one may hear a father
+say to his small son in the schoolroom,
+"has horns very similar to those of the
+Indian antelope, but is a larger animal."
+"Yes, father," responds the boy brightly,
+"it has a tuft of long hair on the forehead
+and large broad hoofs, adapted for
+treading on fine and loose sands."</p>
+
+<p>But it is easier perhaps to make
+these nice points in natural history in
+the comparative calm of the home than
+in the more frenzied atmosphere that
+reigns in the Zoological Gardens themselves.
+It is for that reason that I
+have put together the few notes which
+follow, hoping that they may assist
+the reader to adopt a definite system
+in dealing with this great national institution
+and educate the young mind
+on a reasoned and scientific plan.</p>
+
+<p>Take the order of visiting the cages
+first. I do not complain of your natural
+wish to begin with the giraffe, because
+it has such an absurdly long neck and
+may possibly mistake Pamela's straw-hat
+for a bunch of hay and try to eat it,
+and because you will be able to see the
+hippopotamus on the way. As a matter
+of fact you will find that the giraffe is
+not standing near the bars at all, but
+close to its stable, where it is mincing
+and bridling exactly like a lady in a
+Victorian novel, and as for the hippopotamus
+you cannot see the pretty pink
+part of him because he is giving his
+famous imitation of a submarine. But
+never mind that. Your difficulty now
+will be, "What shall we do next?"
+and in order to assist you I have constructed
+a logical order for visiting the
+various cages. Here it is:&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<ul class="none">
+<li>1. The lions, because you can hear
+them  already roaring most horribly
+fiercely.</li>
+
+<li>2. The sea-lions, because they are
+saying "Ock, ock."</li>
+
+<li>3. The lions, because the tiger may
+be roaring too this time.</li>
+
+<li>4. The Elephant House. No, Pamela,
+I don't know why he is swaying about
+like that.</li>
+
+<li>5. The lions, because Tony did not
+really see the black panther, which was
+asleep in one corner of its cage.</li>
+
+<li>6. The Monkey House. I suppose
+we <i>must</i>.</li>
+
+<li>7. The lions, to wait there till they
+are fed.</li>
+</ul>
+
+
+<p>The only trouble about this order is
+that you may not have much time to
+visit the Mappin Terraces, and it is of
+course very important that you should
+go there because of the bears. The
+bears by rights should be fed on umbrellas,
+because they suck the stick and
+the ribs of the frame for all the world
+as if they were pieces of asparagus, and
+tear the silk part very carefully into
+tiny little shreds. But umbrellas are
+very expensive just now and the keeper
+does not think they are very good for
+the bears either. It is better to give
+them oranges, but oranges are expensive
+too, so you must make quite certain
+that you do not waste them on the
+grizzlies which are not on the Mappin
+Terraces at all. It is no use giving an
+orange to a grizzly bear, because it goes
+down with one quick motion, like the
+red into the right-hand top pocket.
+But if you give it to one of the Himalayan
+bears he opens it and scoops out
+all the inside and guzzles it up and
+then sits down and licks his paws exactly
+like a Christian, and while he is
+doing that the other Himalayan bear
+comes up and is so annoyed at not
+having an orange too that he lies down
+and groans with rage and flaps himself
+with his paws. So you have to get
+another orange.</p>
+
+<p>Another thing that you have missed
+all this time and ought to see if possible is the Antelope House, where the
+telephone is. I don't know why the
+antelopes want a telephone more than
+all the other animals, but they do. Of
+course if they knew how bad the telephone
+is they would realise that with
+their long legs they could get there and
+back again in much quicker time than
+it takes to get a call through.</p>
+
+<p>And then there are the Small Birds.
+It is not known to everybody, least of
+all, I think, to poets, that the nightingale
+sings best of all in a cage in broad
+daylight and amongst a lot of other
+birds, all twittering away like anything.
+We should like to take Mr.
+<span class="sc">Robert Bridges</span> to the Small Birds'
+House. We should like to take Mr.
+<span class="sc">Robert Smillie</span> there too, and introduce
+him to the bird just underneath
+the nightingale, which is called the
+Talking Mynah.</p>
+
+<p>But you are not very much interested
+in coal or poetry, and will probably
+like the Sugar Birds best, for, if there
+is anything more delightful than being
+a bird, especially a tiny little bird, blue
+or green underneath, it must be living
+on sugar and having grapes stuck in
+the bars of your cage.</p>
+
+<p>The snakes of course are slimy sort
+of creatures and their house is a long
+way off, and, though we fully agree
+with you that the monkeys were just
+like real persons, we think we really
+ought to be starting home now.</p>
+
+<p>No, there is no time to see the lions
+again....</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="sc">Evoe.</span></p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page431" id="page431"></a>[pg 431]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/431-1500.png"><img src="images/431-370.png" width="370" height="469" alt="A DARK HORSE." /></a>
+<h2>A DARK HORSE.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Profiteer</span>. "'ECONOMY'? NEVER HEARD THE NAME. LOOKS AS IF HE MIGHT
+SPOIL MY BOOK, THOUGH."</p></div>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page432" id="page432"></a>[pg 432]</span>
+
+<br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page433" id="page433"></a>[pg 433]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/433-1500.png"><img src="images/433-600.png" width="600" height="428" alt="THE NICETIES OF CLOTHES ECONOMY." /></a>
+<h3>THE NICETIES OF CLOTHES ECONOMY.</h3>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Good Lord! That fellow's actually had his overalls <i>patched</i>!</span>"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Darned little fop.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>THE CAP THAT FITS.</h3>
+
+<p>"Gerald, dear," said my wife the
+other evening, "I wish you'd write
+and order some more notepaper; we've
+hardly any left."</p>
+
+<p>"All right, Margaret. What sort do
+you want? The last lot was beastly&mdash;too
+thick to make into spills and not
+large enough for drawing up the fire."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, here's a list of the different
+kinds they have in stock at Jones and
+Robinson's."</p>
+
+<p>I took it from her and glanced through
+it. "What do you say to 'Cream Laid,'
+Margaret? I like the sound of that.
+It will make me feel so nice and cool
+in the hot weather to think of the rows
+of fresh-faced country girls, in their
+spotless white overalls, pouring the
+cream delicately over the paper. I
+wonder how they get it to stop exactly
+at the edge?"</p>
+
+<p>"It wants a very cool head and
+steady hand, I expect," said Margaret;
+"they'd all be picked cream-layers, of
+course. But how would you like 'thick
+hand-made paper with deckle edges'?
+What are deckle edges, I wonder; and
+how is paper hand-made?"</p>
+
+<p>"Rather like treading grapes, I fancy,
+only that's done by foot. I mean they
+smash up the pulp with a very heavy
+pestle in a huge&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Mortar!" cried Margaret triumphantly.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; but am I telling this story or
+are you? Well, and then they put it
+through a mangle&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Wurzel," said Margaret.</p>
+
+<p>"Wrong&mdash;just a mangle, and roll it
+out flat, after which they deckle the
+edges."</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page434" id="page434"></a>[pg 434]</span>
+
+<p>"But how do they do that, Gerald?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, they just call in the edge-deckler
+and say, 'See to 't that yon edges
+be deckled ere set o' sun,' and he sees
+to 't. His is a most important post, I
+believe."</p>
+
+<p>Margaret came and sat on a tuffet
+by my chair.</p>
+
+<p>"Sorry about wurzel," she said.
+"Now tell me all about machine-made
+paper, there's a dear. It will be so
+nice to be able to explain all this to
+Nat when he's older."</p>
+
+<p>"Paper-making by machinery, my
+dear," I said graciously, "is a most
+complicated process. I won't puzzle
+you with all the details, but roughly the
+idea is to pulp up the&mdash;er&mdash;rags and
+so on in a huge sort of&mdash;er&mdash;bowl, and
+then to roll it out thin in the rolling-out
+machine."</p>
+
+<p>Margaret thought this over. "It
+sounds just the same as the hand-made,"
+she said.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, <i>no</i>," I said quickly; "it's all
+done by <i>machinery</i>, you see. Pistons
+and rollers and&mdash;er&mdash;mechanical edge-decklers
+and so on."</p>
+
+<p>"And what does 'Linen Wove' mean?"</p>
+
+<p>"They employ people to thread the
+paper with linen threads, my dear. A
+very delicate performance; that's why
+Linen Wove is so expensive. Azure
+Wove is, of course, done with blue flaxen
+threads. Silurian Bond is made by a
+fellowship of geologists, and for Chelsea
+Bank they have a factory on the bank
+of the Thames at Cheyne Walk. That's
+all I need tell you, though I know a
+lot more."</p>
+
+<p>"I never realised before how awfully
+interesting paper-making could be,"
+said Margaret gratefully. "Write and
+order me a good supply of Chelsea
+Cream Wove, will you, dear? Oh, and
+some other kind for yourself, to write
+your stories on. Don't forget."</p>
+
+<p>"Very well; Chelsea Cream Wove
+for you. And what shall I have?"</p>
+
+<p>Margaret's mouth twitched a little.</p>
+
+<p>"Foolscap, I think, dear," she said.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/434-1500.png"><img src="images/434-600.png" width="600" height="400" alt="Sandy (viewing doctor's bill). 'But the bill is no richt, Sir...'" /></a>
+<p><i>Sandy (viewing doctor's bill).</i> "<span class="sc">But the bill is no
+richt, Sir. Ye've charged me for seven days instead o' six. Dinna
+ye mind I was deleerious one day an' was not aweer of your presence?</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>ANALGESIA.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>With Mr. Punch's best wishes for the
+speedy recovery of the French <span class="sc">President</span>.</i>)</p>
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+["President Deschanel ... was compelled
+to take several analgesia cachets. (Analgesia
+is a condition in which there is incapacity of
+feeling pain)."]&mdash;<i>Evening Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>When, haply through excess of cake,</p>
+<p class="i2">In childhood's days of fun and frolic,</p>
+<p>I suffered from that local ache</p>
+<p class="i2">Known to the Faculty as colic;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Or if across the foam I fared</p>
+<p class="i2">And was (invariably) sea-sick,</p>
+<p>How much distress had I been spared</p>
+<p class="i2">Just by a simple analgesic.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>In the Headmaster's awesome den,</p>
+<p class="i2">His cane poised o'er me palely bending,</p>
+<p>A lozenge deftly swallowed then</p>
+<p class="i2">Had eased the smart of its descending.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Thus might I have indulged in "rags,"</p>
+<p class="i2">Immune from every sore corrective,</p>
+<p>Nor need I then have stuffed my bags</p>
+<p class="i2">With notebooks, often ineffective.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Henceforth, in any sort of fuss&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Life's little incidental dramas,</p>
+<p>As when one boards a motor-bus</p>
+<p class="i2">Or leaps from trains in one's pyjamas&mdash;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I'll take a tabloid. <span class="sc">Deschanel!</span></p>
+<p class="i2">So much to me your agile feat meant;</p>
+<p><i>L'exemple presidentiel</i></p>
+<p class="i2">Lends quite a <i>cachet</i> to the treatment.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+
+<h3>"59 ACCIDENTS IN 5 YEARS.</h3>
+
+<h4>PROPOSED ROAD WIDENING TO INCLUDE CEMETERY CORNER."</h4>
+
+<p class="author1"><i>Evening Paper.</i></p>
+
+
+<p class="ind">The only alternative would appear to
+be to enlarge the cemetery.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page435" id="page435"></a>[pg 435]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+
+<h3>AN ERROR OF JUDGMENT AT EPSOM.</h3>
+
+<p>I am not attending the Derby this year.
+Nor was it my original intention to go
+last year, but since my beneficent employers,
+unasked, offered me a day off,
+Selina insisted we ought to go. It was
+a national institution, a sight everyone
+should see once in a lifetime, and so
+forth. I protested it was an extravagance;
+that to be married was really
+more than we could afford, let alone
+race-meetings. But Selina was firm.
+She would pay, if necessary, out of the
+house-keeping money. Besides it need
+cost nothing. We might win enough
+money to cover our expenses.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 370px;"><a href="images/435-1000.png"><img src="images/435-370.png" width="370" height="466" alt="'So you absented yourself without leave, and went to Epsom.'" /></a>
+<p>"<span class="sc">So you absented yourself without leave, and went to Epsom.
+What have
+you got to say?</span>"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">That it was worth it, Sir, even if it do mean the loss of my
+pension.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<p>Thus the idea of betting was introduced.
+Gambling in all forms is against
+my principles; and how I came to give
+in on the point I scarcely know. From
+the way Selina argued one might have
+supposed that a bet on the Derby was
+a prudent investment, something in
+the nature of a life-insurance which no
+careful husband would neglect to make.
+So I yielded, merely stipulating that
+our stake was not to exceed one pound:
+and this amount fortunately satisfied
+Selina's conception of recklessness.</p>
+
+<p>So upon the appointed day we found
+ourselves at the famous Heath, or is it
+the Downs? The selection of a horse
+to bear our fortunes to victory was not
+made without anxious debate, since
+Selina's choice was based upon the
+colour scheme of the jockey's coats,
+and mine on the romantic associations
+of the animals' names. In the end we
+compromised on a horse called Grand
+Parade.</p>
+
+<p>Next, equally momentous, we selected
+a bookmaker who was to oblige us by
+opposing our fancy at the most advantageous
+rate. I was in favour of picking
+a man whose abundance of chin and
+paunch would, should he default, prevent
+his attaining more than four miles
+an hour on the flat. I had already discovered
+one that answered this description.
+He was soliciting clients in a
+voice that made one think a vulture
+might be rending his liver. Selina, who
+pretends to read character from faces,
+declared his eyes were too close together
+for those of an honest man. She had
+singled out a more suitable individual,
+and she indicated to me a slender
+gentlemanly man dressed in a grey
+frock-coat with a tall hat of the same
+colour just pathetically beginning to
+grow shabby. He also invited custom,
+but in a refined, almost confidential
+tone which, in comparison with the braying
+of his rival, resembled the cooing
+of a dove. His features, which to me
+denoted weakness of character, Selina
+asserted to be those of an honourable
+man struggling with adversity. It was
+to support an ailing wife, she felt sure,
+that he toiled at his uncongenial vocation.
+I should have liked to explain,
+though I knew it was useless, that our
+object in dealing with him was not to
+contribute to the support of his wife;
+that our success, indeed, might mean
+that the unhappy lady would be deprived
+for many a week to come of
+those little delicacies that are essential
+to the comfort of an invalid.</p>
+
+<p>Against my better judgment I gave
+in and our little stake was deposited
+in his hands. I almost felt inclined
+to apologize for its smallness, but his
+courtesy in accepting it rendered excuses
+unnecessary. Nevertheless I
+should have preferred, when taking up
+a position to view the race, to have
+chosen a spot from which we could
+at the same time have kept an eye on
+his gentlemanly tall hat. Selina however
+poohpoohed the idea. We therefore
+walked some little distance to a
+point on the hill whence, some ten
+minutes later, we had the satisfaction
+of seeing Grand Parade gallop home a
+winner.</p>
+
+<p>In the moment of triumph I had
+almost forgotten my apprehensions as
+to our bookmaker. Selina however
+had not, for, as we caught sight of his
+elegant grey-clad figure on our return,
+she could not resist exclaiming, "See
+how wrong your suspicions were."</p>
+
+<p>The crowd, set loose after the tension
+of the race, impeded our progress, so
+that by the time we reached him he was
+alone. Apparently he had paid off all
+the other winners, and we were the last
+claimants to arrive.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, I was waiting for you," he said
+in his easy well-bred fashion. "You
+will think it very strange, perhaps, but
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page436" id="page436"></a>[pg 436]</span>
+for the moment I am unable to pay
+you. Most absurd. My losses have
+been rather more than I calculated, and
+I have unfortunately disbursed all my
+available cash. You need be under
+no apprehension, however; if you will
+kindly give me your address you shall
+have a cheque by the first post to-morrow."</p>
+
+<p>I tried to recall what one did to
+welshers. I seemed to remember that
+one raised a hue-and-cry, that one
+tarred and feathered them, and rode
+them on a rail to a pond. I am,
+however, constitutionally timid about
+making my voice heard in public, and
+I was as short of tar and feathers
+as he was of ready cash. I had therefore
+no alternative but to draw out my
+pocket-case and present him with a
+card.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, thanks," he said, and with a
+neat little silver pencil he scribbled on
+the back a hieroglyph of some sort,
+doubtless to jog his memory. Then he
+wished me good-day with many apologies
+and, politely taking off his hat to
+Selina, sauntered leisurely in the direction
+of the railway-station.</p>
+
+<p>I confess that this <i>contretemps</i> somewhat
+dashed my spirits. Nor was my
+chagrin lessened by observing, during
+the remainder of the afternoon, my
+corpulent friend, notwithstanding the
+closeness of his eyes to each other,
+paying off regularly, at the end of each
+race, a host of customers with the greatest
+good grace, enlivened by coarse
+jocularities. I followed the rest of the
+sport with little zest, and my cup of
+enjoyment was not filled to overflowing
+when, possessing first-class return
+tickets, we had to stand, Selina as well
+as myself, in a crowded third-class
+smoker.</p>
+
+<p>Selina however preserved both her
+spirits and her confidence. Bookmakers,
+she had heard, were, as a class,
+most honourable. Their losses could
+not be recovered by law, but they regarded
+them as debts of honour. There
+were exceptions, of course, but the
+gentleman in grey was not one of them.
+Something told her so. I should see
+that she was right.</p>
+
+<p>At breakfast next morning we scanned
+our post for a letter in an unfamiliar
+handwriting. There was none.</p>
+
+<p>"It was really rather early to expect
+one," said Selina.</p>
+
+<p>On the following morning, however,
+amongst others there lay a letter in a
+strange writing, addressed moreover in
+precisely the same style as the description
+of me on my visiting card.</p>
+
+<p>"What did I tell you?" said Selina.</p>
+
+<p>"Well?" she asked, as I tore open
+the envelope and read the letter.</p>
+
+<p>"This must be some mistake," I said.
+"It is a demand from the railway for a
+first-class fare from Epsom to London.
+They state that I was detected travelling
+without a ticket. Ridiculous. I
+shall pay no attention to it."</p>
+
+<p>In the evening, however, as I started
+home from the City, I thought better.
+It would save trouble if I looked in at
+London Bridge.</p>
+
+<p>"You have come to pay?" said the
+chief clerk, as I showed him the note.</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed I have not," said I. "On
+the contrary the Company should refund
+me the difference between first
+and third-class fare."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you deny, then, that you travelled
+back from Epsom without a
+ticket?"</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed I do."</p>
+
+<p>"You will not deny, perhaps, that
+this is the card you handed the inspector
+with a promise to pay?"</p>
+
+<p>I took the proffered card. I could
+not deny it, for the card was mine. I
+turned it over. There, faintly legible
+on the back in pencil, was the hieroglyph
+that the bookie had scrawled
+on it.</p>
+
+<p>I explained to the clerk. I also explained
+to Selina when I got home.
+She, however, sticks to her original
+contention. She was not deceived.
+Fundamentally the man was honest.
+Only the expenses of his wife's long
+illness had caused him to deviate from
+the path of probity.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>METHODIC MADNESS.</h3>
+
+<h4>(<i>By our Medical Correspondent.</i>)</h4>
+
+<p>The newspapers have recently devoted
+a certain amount of space to the
+American millionaire who, while confined
+in a psychopathic ward of a private
+lunatic asylum, by his clever financial
+manipulations added in the course
+of six weeks five hundred thousand
+pounds to a fortune "conservatively
+estimated at three million pounds."
+In spite of this achievement the misguided
+millionaire pleaded earnestly for
+his release. But the verdict of the
+New York Sheriffs' Court was adverse.
+The expert "alienists" admitted that
+he possessed an extraordinary memory
+and undoubted genius, but held that he
+was none the less insane. Accordingly
+he is to remain in the psychopathic
+ward to which he was consigned "at
+the request of his aged mother." A
+simple sum in addition establishes the
+fact that, if the patient maintains his
+present average, he will considerably
+more than double his fortune in a year.
+Yet none of the newspaper commentators
+have realised the tremendous
+possibilities underlying this achievement.</p>
+
+<p>We are threatened with national insolvency,
+and here is an infallible remedy
+ready to hand. Lord <span class="sc">Fisher's</span> panacea
+for our discontents was to "sack the
+lot"&mdash;to dismiss all our rulers and administrators.
+But he had only a glimmering
+of the truth. Our cry should
+rather be, "Lock up the lot." Experience
+has taught us that if complete
+latitude is given to eccentrics and incompetents,
+if, in the words of Professor
+<span class="sc">Soddy</span>, F.R.S., the destinies of the country
+are entrusted to people of archaic
+mental outlook, the result is bound to
+be disastrous and chaotic. But if you
+treat them as lunatics, there is a strong
+presumption of their mending their
+ways and proving valuable factors in
+the economic reconstruction of the
+Empire and the world.</p>
+
+<p>Grave evils call for drastic treatment,
+and in view of the hectic condition
+of the Stock Exchange and the
+"vicious circle" round which industrialism
+is now unhappily revolving I
+cannot but think that the temporary
+seclusion of the Ministry in a psychopathic
+ward might be fraught with
+economic consequences of the utmost
+importance. Even if they were only
+able to reduce our indebtedness at the
+same rate as that attained by the American
+millionaire, their combined efforts
+would represent a magnificent total.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps it would be wiser to proceed
+tentatively and not commit ourselves
+for more than six weeks to start with.
+It is just conceivable that the treatment
+might stimulate extravagance instead
+of economy. Financial thrombosis is
+not unknown as one of the obscurer
+forms of megalomania. Still, as I have
+said, the experiment is worth making.</p>
+
+<p>In other spheres of activity the results
+achieved are most encouraging. For
+example, an extremely <i>outr&eacute;</i> Cubist who
+was recently consigned to a psychopathic
+ward at the instigation of his grandmother,
+developed a remarkable talent
+for painting in the manner of <span class="sc">Marcus
+Stone</span>; while a neo-Georgian composer
+under similar treatment has produced a
+series of <i>&eacute;tudes</i> indistinguishable from
+the pianoforte music of <span class="sc">Sterndale
+Bennett</span>, though he had previously far
+outstripped the most unbridled and
+exacerbated aberrations of <span class="sc">Scriabine</span> in
+his latest phase.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>Commercial Candour.</h3>
+
+
+<h3>"YE OLDE TEA HOUSE</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(Opposite the Church).</p>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">Home-Made Cakes. &nbsp;&nbsp;Antiques.</span>"</h4>
+
+<p class="author1"><i>Local Paper.</i></p>
+
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>"TO BE SURE.</h3>
+
+<blockquote class="note" style="margin-left: 25%"><p>
+'Why do you call that performing poodle
+Sidius?'</p>
+
+<p>'He's a dog star, ain't he now?'"</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="author1"><i>Canadian Paper.</i>
+</p>
+
+<p class="ind">Still we don't see it.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page437" id="page437"></a>[pg 437]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+
+<h3>THE PROVISION MERCHANT.</h3>
+
+<table align="center" width="600" summary="cartoon" border="0">
+<tr>
+       <td class="pics"><a href="images/437-1500.png"><img src="images/437-a-1-200.png" width="200" height="178" alt="Can we supply you with a car, Sir? Certainly." border="0" /></a><br />
+	   <span class="sc">"Can we supply you with a car, Sir? Certainly.</span></td>
+       <td class="pics"><a href="images/437-1500.png"><img src="images/437-a-2-200.png" width="200" height="178" alt="This is our 1920 touring model--provisional, of course." border="0" /></a><br />
+	   <span class="sc">This is our 1920 touring model&mdash;provisional, of course.</span></td>
+       <td class="pics"><a href="images/437-1500.png"><img src="images/437-a-3-200.png" width="200" height="178" alt="By the way, the body, you see, is only a provisional one." border="0" /></a><br />
+	   <span class="sc">By the way, the body, you see, is only a provisional one.</span></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td class="pics"><a href="images/437-1500.png"><img src="images/437-b-1-200.png" width="200" height="165" alt="The engine design is purely provisional, you'll understand--" border="0" /></a><br />
+	   <span class="sc">The engine design is purely provisional, you'll understand&mdash;</span></td>
+       <td class="pics"><a href="images/437-1500.png"><img src="images/437-b-2-200.png" width="200" height="165" alt="and the horsepower is provisionally fixed at 12-78." border="0" /></a><br />
+	   <span class="sc">and the horsepower is provisionally fixed at 12-78.</span></td>
+       <td class="pics"><a href="images/437-1500.png"><img src="images/437-b-3-200.png" width="200" height="165" alt="Delivery is in eighteen months--quite provisional, that is--" border="0" /></a><br />
+	   <span class="sc">Delivery is in eighteen months&mdash;quite provisional, that is&mdash;</span></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td class="pics"><a href="images/437-1500.png"><img src="images/437-c-1-200.png" width="200" height="151" alt="and the price we put provisionally at £1,200." border="0" /></a><br />
+	   <span class="sc">and the price we put provisionally at &pound;1,200.</span></td>
+       <td class="pics"><a href="images/437-1500.png"><img src="images/437-c-2-200.png" width="200" height="151" alt="We shall require, of course, a deposit of £600 before we can provisionally accept the order." border="0" /></a><br />
+	   <span class="sc">We shall require, of course, a deposit of &pound;600 before we can provisionally accept the order.</span></td>
+       <td class="pics"><a href="images/437-1500.png"><img src="images/437-c-3-200.png" width="200" height="151" alt="I may add that a guarantee goes with each car--provisional, naturally--" border="0" /></a><br />
+	   <span class="sc">I may add that a guarantee goes with each car&mdash;provisional, naturally&mdash;</span></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td class="pics"><a href="images/437-1500.png"><img src="images/437-d-1-200.png" width="200" height="165" alt="and we will provisionally undertake to inform you of any provisional alterations--" border="0" /></a><br />
+	   <span class="sc">and we will provisionally undertake to inform you of any provisional alterations&mdash;</span></td>
+       <td class="pics"><a href="images/437-1500.png"><img src="images/437-d-2-200.png" width="200" height="165" alt="that we may make in our provisional designs if you apply to our provisional works--" border="0" /></a><br />
+	   <span class="sc">that we may make in our provisional designs if you apply to our provisional works&mdash;</span></td>
+       <td class="pics"><a href="images/437-1500.png"><img src="images/437-d-3-200.png" width="200" height="165" alt="--provided----No, Sir, I cannot tell you where you can hire a push-bike!!!" border="0" /></a><br />
+	   <span class="sc">&mdash;provided&mdash;&mdash;No, Sir, I cannot tell you where you can hire a push-bike!!!"</span></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page438" id="page438"></a>[pg 438]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>AT THE PLAY.</h3>
+
+<h4>"<span class="sc">The Mystery of the Yellow Room.</span>"</h4>
+
+<p>Gentlemen of the Press having been
+tactfully requested not to give away
+this awesome mystery, I am barred by
+the fastidious sense of honour which
+distinguishes our profession from spoiling
+your pleasure in this matter&mdash;a
+course which otherwise I should naturally
+have preferred.</p>
+
+<p>Not that I have any too clear idea of
+what it was all about or why an innocent
+gentleman should be apparently
+going to be guillotined for it. For there
+was no question of anyone having been
+murdered, the only tangible crime before
+the Court that I could see being
+the abstraction of some scientific papers.
+However don't imagine that this vagueness
+will deprive you of the pleasures of
+shock. Only don't go thinking about
+it. Remember <i>Rosamund</i> and her Purple
+Jar.</p>
+
+<p>I think I am free to tell you that a
+young journalist possessing (characteristically)
+"fantastic humour and exuberant
+gaiety," a famous amateur detective
+to boot, outwits all the official
+police, robs the law of its prey and
+finds a long-lost mother for himself.</p>
+
+<p>If this doesn't excite you sufficiently
+you can extract fun from subsidiary details.
+It is always diverting to the unspoilt
+soul when the principal lady goes
+to turn up one lamp and the other
+promptly glows instead; or when, a
+particularly obvious and commonplace
+knock assaulting the ear, she exclaims
+in tragic accents, "There's someone at
+the door;" or when the detective drags
+from the bottom of the lake a pair of
+the driest of dry old boots.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 300px;"><a href="images/438-600.png"><img src="images/438-300.png" width="300" height="408" alt="'Father, I am a journalist; I cannot tell a lie. You did it!'" /></a>
+<p><i>Joseph Rouletabille</i> (Mr. <span class="sc">Arthur Pusey</span>) to
+<i>Frederic Larsan</i> (Mr. <span class="sc">Franklin Dyall</span>).
+"<span class="sc">Father, I am a journalist; I cannot
+tell a lie. You did it!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<p>Or, if you are superior to this kind of
+thing, you can amuse yourself by deducing
+from the practice before you the
+famous <i>Rules for Revolvers</i>, which, <i>mutatis
+mutandis</i>, are as old as the Aristotelian
+unities and, for all I (or, probably,
+you) know to the contrary, were
+laid down at the same time by the same
+hand.</p>
+
+<p class="textind"><i>Rule 1.</i> "All Innocent Characters expecting
+murderous assault from Particularly
+Desperate Villains will provide
+themselves with revolvers. Before retiring
+for the tragic night they will,
+grasping the revolver firmly in the right
+hand, place it carefully (as Professor
+<span class="sc">Leacock</span> would direct) on the revolver-stand.
+The P.D.V. will then know
+what to do about it. (<i>Note</i>: P.D.V.'s do
+not carry revolvers. They don't need to.)</p>
+
+<p class="textind"><i>Rule 2.</i> "I.C.'s actually attacking
+P.D.V.'s will on no account fire, but, advancing
+stealthily, will offer their pistol-wrist
+to the enemy, who will at once
+lock it in a deathly grip. After a brief
+struggle, swaying this way and that,
+the P.D.V. will, on the word 'Four,'
+put on another beard and have the I.C.
+thrown into prison." And so forth.</p>
+
+<p>I have no serious fault to find with
+these tactics. On the contrary. But
+I rather think that in the first Act an
+incident was introduced (no doubt in
+the spirit of the little girl's explanation
+<i>&agrave; propos</i> of her riddle, "That was just
+put in to make it more difficult"), which
+was not quite cricket as it is played
+by the best people in these stage
+shockers.</p>
+
+<p>But I am on dangerous grounds. Let
+me say that Mr. <span class="sc">Hannaford Bennett</span>
+has been distinctly ingenious in his
+adaptation from M. <span class="sc"><ins title="Transcriber's Note: original read 'Gaston's'">Gaston</ins> Leroux's</span>
+hectic feuilleton; that Miss <span class="sc">Sybil Thorndike</span>
+put in a much finer quality of
+work than is usually supplied with this
+kind of heroine; that Miss <span class="sc">Daisy Markham</span>
+as her friend played very gaily and
+prettily as long as the situation allowed
+it, and that Messrs. <span class="sc">Franklin Dyall,
+Lewis Casson, Nicholas Hannen,
+Arthur Pusey, Major Jones, Colston
+Mansell</span> and the Prompter all did
+notable work.</p>
+
+<p class="author">T.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>Our Erudite Contemporaries.</h3>
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+"No doubt the inhabitants of the seaside
+resorts are duly grateful as they turn their
+faces to the trippers and the sun. Like Niobe,
+they are all smiles."&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+"It certainly was a heavy swell, but the
+good ship 'Onward' had, so to speak, got its
+sea legs, and so had the party aboard; and
+although we rolled, it was a long steady roll
+which in time became almost most enjoyable."</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p class="author1"><i>Isle of Man Weekly Times.</i>
+</p>
+
+<p class="ind2">It is on occasions like these that the
+Manxman finds his third leg so useful.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>CUTCHERY CATS.</h3>
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+[In order to check the depredations of
+mice and rats the Government of India have
+directed the maintenance of cats in every
+public office ("Cutchery"). Rations do not
+err on the side of over-abundance, and the
+cats in consequence are not always the most
+favourable specimens.]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>What time five notes on the cutchery gong</p>
+<p class="i2">The aged orderly rings,</p>
+<p>And he who calleth the waiting throng</p>
+<p class="i2">Striketh his work and sings,</p>
+<p>There cometh a man with broken meats,</p>
+<p>Cheerily calling, and him there greets</p>
+<p>With wailing of souls that are tried too long,</p>
+<p class="i2">A bevy of Fearsome Things.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Ribbed as railings and lank as rods,</p>
+<p class="i2">Stark as the toddy trees,</p>
+<p>Swarming as when from the bursting pods</p>
+<p class="i2">Scatter the ripened peas,</p>
+<p>Flaming pupil and naked claw,</p>
+<p>Gaunt and desolate, maimed and raw,</p>
+<p>Cats by courtesy, but, ye gods!</p>
+<p class="i2">Never were cats like these.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Nay, of a verity these be souls</p>
+<p class="i2">Such as in life were vile,</p>
+<p>Risen again from the nethermost coals</p>
+<p class="i2">To harry the earth a while;</p>
+<p>Versed in wickedness, old in sin,</p>
+<p>Never was hell could hold them in,</p>
+<p>And back they hasten in droves and shoals</p>
+<p class="i2">To desecrate and defile.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Here where the shadow of Ancient Lies</p>
+<p class="i2">Falleth athwart the room,</p>
+<p>Where the Angel of Evil Counsel plies</p>
+<p class="i2">His chariot through the gloom,</p>
+<p>Where the Lost Endeavours and Faded Hopes</p>
+<p>Cluster like fruit in the mango-topes,</p>
+<p>Here is the perfectest paradise</p>
+<p class="i2">For the damned to work their doom.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And swear will I by the Cloven Hoof</p>
+<p class="i2">And the name of the Manichees,</p>
+<p>By the hair that riseth despite reproof</p>
+<p class="i2">And the rebel veins that freeze,</p>
+<p>That at night, when the graves give up their dead</p>
+<p>And the thunder belloweth overhead,</p>
+<p>You would not get me under this roof</p>
+<p class="i2">For a lakh of the best rupees!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*
+</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The Magistrate's risen and eke the Sub,</p>
+<p class="i2">And bicycles homeward spin;</p>
+<p>The clerks depart with a shrill hubbub</p>
+<p class="i2">And the snores of the guard begin;</p>
+<p>Ah, lock ye the strong-room sure and fast,</p>
+<p>For the night draws down and the day is past;</p>
+<p>Masters, I will away to the Club,</p>
+<p class="i2">For the hour of the cats is in.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i28">H. B.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page439" id="page439"></a>[pg 439]</span>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/439-1200.png"><img src="images/439-600.png" width="600" height="411" alt="Batsman. 'I don't want none of your under'ands. Bowl another an' I takes the bat 'ome--see?'" /></a>
+<p><i>Batsman.</i> "<span class="sc">I don't want none of your under'ands. Bowl
+another an' I takes the bat 'ome&mdash;see?</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3>
+
+<h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4>
+
+<p>Although <i>Madeline of the Desert</i> (<span class="sc">Unwin</span>) is published in
+the First Novel series, it by no means follows that Mr.
+<span class="sc">Arthur Weigall</span> can be considered a beginner in authorship,
+his various activities already including some volumes
+on Egyptology that have made for him a wide circle of
+appreciative readers. You will therefore be correct in
+guessing that the Desert of the title is Egyptian; also that
+the story is one in which the setting and the local colour
+are treated with expert knowledge and an infectious
+enthusiasm. Of <i>Madeline</i> herself I should say at once
+that nothing in her life, as shown here, became her like
+the beginning of it. Her entrance into the tale, arriving
+out of the desert to consult the recluse, <i>Father Gregory</i>,
+whose nephew she afterwards marries, does very strikingly
+achieve an effect of personality. <i>Madeline</i> was a product
+of Port Said and, when we first meet her, an adventuress
+of international reputation, or lack of it. Then <i>Robin</i>
+rescues, marries and educates her. It was the last process
+that started the trouble. <i>Madeline</i> took to education
+more readily than a duck to water; and the worst of it
+was that she was by no means willing to keep the results
+and her conclusions therefrom to herself; indeed she developed
+the lecturing habit to an extent that almost (but not
+quite) ruined her charm. Mr. <span class="sc">Weigall</span> is so obviously
+sincere in all this that, though I cannot exonerate him from
+a charge of using <i>Madeline</i> as the mouthpiece of his own
+sociological and religious views, I must acknowledge his
+good intentions, while deploring what seems to me an
+artistic error. But, all said, the book is very far from being
+ordinary; its quality in the portrayal both of place and
+character is of the richest promise for future stories, in
+which I hope the author will give us more pictures of the
+land he understands so well.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>I certainly admit that the publishers of <i>The Strangeness
+of Noel Carton</i> (<span class="sc">Jenkins</span>) have every justification for
+speaking of it as "a new note in a novel." Indeed that
+clever writer, Mr. <span class="sc">William Caine</span>, has here sounded as new,
+original and (for all its surface humour) horrible a note as
+any I have heard in fiction for some time. My trouble is
+that I can hardly indicate it without giving away the whole
+business. Very briefly the tale is of one <i>Noel Carton</i>, who
+has married beneath him for not quite enough money to
+gild a detestable union, and, being an unstable egoist and
+waster, presently seeks consolation (and pocket money) by
+writing a novel founded in part on his own position. One
+may note in passing that Mr. <span class="sc">Caine</span> seems to have but a
+modest idea of the mental equipment required for such a
+task. Still I suppose he knows, and anyway that isn't the
+point. The point is that, once <i>Noel</i> has got himself properly
+projected into his novel, all sorts of the queerest and most
+bogie coincidences begin to occur. Again to quote the puff
+preliminary, "as the book develops the reader has a suspicion
+which becomes almost a certainty, until the great
+and astounding climax is reached;" concerning which you
+may justly remark that no reader with a certainty would
+regard its verification as "astounding." But this takes
+nothing from the craft with which, on looking back, you see
+the climax to have been prepared. I could hardly call the
+tale altogether pleasant, but it is undeniably new and
+vastly original.</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page440" id="page440"></a>[pg 440]</span>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>The good Sioux glories in his scalps, and Mr. <span class="sc">Isaac F.
+Marcosson</span>, of Louisville, must surely be the Great Chief
+of interviewers. Interviewing, he tells us, is, after all, only
+a form of reporting, and so are history, poetry and romance.
+What, he asks, were <span class="sc">Mommsen</span> and <span class="sc">Gibbon</span>, <span class="sc">Wordsworth</span>
+and <span class="sc">Keats</span> but reporters, and I can only answer, What
+indeed? To have been found worthy of tonsure by Mr.
+<span class="sc">Marcosson</span> it is necessary to be very eminent, and to win
+his highest praise it is essential also to be a good "imparter,"
+though he has a kind of sneaking admiration for the paleface
+who insists on handing him a written statement and
+declines to speak. Such a one was Sir <span class="sc">Edward Carson</span>.
+Hanging to Mr. <span class="sc">Marcosson's</span> girdle are the <i>chevelures</i> of
+Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>, Lord <span class="sc">Haig</span>, Marshal <span class="sc">Foch</span>, Sir
+<span class="sc">James
+Barrie</span> and Mr. <span class="sc">Roosevelt</span>, to name no more. Naturally
+<i>Adventures in Interviewing</i> (<span class="sc">Lane</span>) is full of side-lights on
+the recent war. How could it be otherwise when so many
+celebrated brains are laid bare? One quotation I cannot
+refrain from giving.
+Speaking of Lord <span class="sc">Beaverbrook</span>
+he says, "He
+had come to London a
+decade ago, to live 'the
+life of a gentleman,' but
+was drawn irresistibly
+into politics." I challenge
+our literature to
+produce a more beautiful
+"but."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Miss <span class="sc">Edith Dart</span>
+has grouped against her
+Dartmoor setting in
+<i>Sareel</i> (<span class="sc">Philip Allan</span>)
+just the characters to
+act out the well-worn
+story of the mutual infatuation
+of a young
+man of birth and an
+ignorant country maid.
+But though <i>Sareel</i>, the
+little workhouse-reared
+servant at the farm,
+falls in love in the accepted
+fashion with the
+best-looking of the three
+young men who lodge there on a reading tour, and
+though he duly falls in love with her, the innocence of
+her soul keeps their passion on the highest plane. What
+is more, when <i>Alan</i>, as such young gentlemen in fiction
+generally do, changes his mind Miss <span class="sc">Dart</span> provides a
+happy ending, without even a suicide to spoil it, and without
+inconsistency either in her own point of view or in
+that of her characters. I don't really believe that Devonshire
+people say that they like things "brave and well"
+quite as often as Miss <span class="sc">Dart</span> makes hers, and I wish she
+had not so great a fondness for the word "such" that she
+must invent phrases as weird as "though he had not sought
+such" in order to bring it in; but apart from these trifles
+<i>Sareel</i>, as something like a feminine version of a book by
+Mr. <span class="sc">Eden Phillpotts</span> arranged for family reading, will
+certainly please a great many people.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>If you would like to see a white lady ride on a white
+horse to Banbury Cross and elsewhere with a body-guard
+of men in tin hats, carrying <i>The Banner</i> (<span class="sc">Collins</span>) and
+proclaiming
+the League of Youth (against war and other evils)
+and forcible retirement from all offices of profit or power
+under the Crown at the age of forty, get Mr. <span class="sc">Hugh F.
+Spender's</span> new and, as it seems to me, rather ingenuous
+novel. Love is not neglected, for a peer's son, deaf and
+dumb through shell-shock, so responds to the counter-irritant
+of seeing this modern <span class="sc">Joan</span> riding through Piccadilly
+that he recovers both speech and hearing and promptly
+uses them to put her a leading question and understand
+her version of "But this is so sudden. However&mdash;&mdash;" There
+is a people's army; a rose-water revolution with the
+King accepting it as all in the day's dull work; a fight or
+rather an arming of a few last-ditchers of the old order,
+and much else that is not likely to happen outside Ruritania.
+Also candid expression of the opinions of (I take it) the
+"Wee Frees" concerning <i>Glamorgan Jones</i>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>If Mr. <span class="sc">Alan Graham</span> does not unsettle my conviction that
+it is easier to begin a story of hidden treasure than it is to
+finish it, I can nevertheless promise you a good day with
+the sleuth-hounds, should you decide to <i>Follow the Little
+Pictures</i> (<span class="sc">Blackwood</span>).
+For some not too lucid
+reason I went to the
+meet with a fear in my
+heart that the command
+in the title referred to
+the "movies," and my
+relief was great on discovering
+that it was
+taken from a cipher
+containing the key to
+the treasure. The scene
+of this hunt is laid in
+Scotland, and the most
+notable figure among
+its followers is a certain
+<i>Laird Tanish</i>. The
+pecuniary fortunes of
+the <i>Tanish</i> clan were
+at a low ebb, and in
+his determination to
+improve them by winning
+the prize the <i>Laird</i>
+broke all the rules of
+the game and gave way
+to terrific outbursts of
+rage in the manner of
+those explosive gentlemen
+with whom Miss <span class="sc">Ethel Dell</span> has familiarised us.
+There is both ingenuity and originality in this story, and I
+should be doing the author and his readers a great disservice
+if I disclosed the details of the plot. Anyone with a bent
+for treasure-hunting will be missing a fine opportunity if he
+refuses to have a day (or a night) with Mr. <span class="sc">Graham's</span> hounds.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/440-1000.png"><img src="images/440-600.png" width="600" height="468" alt="Mistress. 'Norah, do you ever repeat anything you hear...?' Domestic. 'The Saints forbid, Mum!'" /></a>
+<p><i>Mistress.</i> "<span class="sc">Norah, do you ever repeat anything you hear
+the master and myself say to each other when we have a slight difference of opinion?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Domestic.</i> "<span class="sc">The Saints forbid, Mum!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>A Sympathetic Auditor.</h3>
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+"Dr. R. C. Ghostley, of Edmonton, was in the city last week and
+attended Sir Oliver Lodge's lecture."&mdash;<i>Canadian Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+"W. W. &mdash;&mdash;, the Rugby International forward, won his third
+success in four days at Chesham Oddfellows' and Foresters' sports
+yesterday, when he took first prize in the 10 yards open event, with
+7&frac12; yards start, in <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original read '9 2-5 sec.'">9<span style="font-size: 0.7em;"><sup>&nbsp;2</sup></span>&frasl;<span style="font-size: 0.6em;">5</span> sec.</ins>"&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind2">His strong point, we gather, is not speed but staying-power.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h4><i>&Agrave; propos</i> of the <span class="sc">De Keyser</span> case:&mdash;</h4>
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+"Unfortunately, the Dora regulations against free speech and
+printing were never taken before the High Court, and our ancestors
+will wonder at our timidity."&mdash;<i>Daily Herald.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p class="ind2">We understand that Sir <span class="sc">A. Conan Doyle</span> has already
+received several urgent messages on the subject.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<br /><br /><br /><br />
+
+<table align="center" summary="note" style="margin-top: 5em;">
+<tr><td class="note">
+<h4>Transcriber's Note:</h4>
+
+<p>Corrections are indicated, in the text, by a dotted line underneath the correction.</p>
+<p style="margin-top:-1em;">Scroll the mouse over the word and the original text will <ins title="Transcriber's Note: original reads 'apprear'">appear</ins>.</p>
+
+<h4>Summary of Corrections:</h4>
+<p>p. 438: Removed extraneous "'s" from "GASTON'S" ...
+        [M. GASTON LEROUX'S]</p>
+
+<p>p. 440: Changed "9 2-5" to "9<span style="font-size: 0.7em;"><sup>&nbsp;2</sup></span>&frasl;<span style="font-size: 0.6em;">5</span>" ...
+        [in 9<span style="font-size: 0.7em;"><sup>&nbsp;2</sup></span>&frasl;<span style="font-size: 0.6em;">5</span> sec."--_Daily Paper_.]</p>
+
+
+
+</td></tr></table>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+158, June 2, 1920, by Various
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+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158,
+June 2, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158, June 2, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: January 25, 2010 [EBook #31071]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net.
+
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Punch, or the London Charivari
+
+Volume 158, Jan-Jul 1920
+
+June 2, 1920
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+Some idea of the heat experienced in this country last week can be
+deduced from the fact that several bricklayers were distinctly seen to
+wipe their brows in their own time.
+
+***
+
+It is all very well for LENIN to talk about Great Britain recognising
+Russia, while his followers are doing their best to render the place
+almost unrecognisable.
+
+***
+
+Normally, says Dr. GEOFFREY KEYNES, a person has fifteen thousand
+millions of blood corpuscles circulating in his body. People suffering
+with insomnia might try counting them in bed.
+
+***
+
+According to a scientific journal, tests recently made show that
+microbes cannot live long on coins. "Middle Class" writes to say this
+is nothing new to him, as no germ could live on his salary.
+
+***
+
+The promoters of the Milk and Dairies Bill hope to ensure clean milk
+for the public. They seem to have thought out an improvement on the
+present system by which certain dairymen are in the habit of washing
+their milk.
+
+***
+
+It took nature several million years, says _The New York World_,
+to make a ton of coal. It looks as if she has arranged to charge us
+retrospectively by the hour for the stuff.
+
+***
+
+A gold wedding-ring has been found inside a large doe rabbit which was
+shot recently in a wheat-field near Wilbury. The question arises, "Do
+modern rabbits go through the marriage ceremony?"
+
+***
+
+The latest fad of the American golfer is to have a small painting made
+of himself in the act of driving. We feel, however, that it will be
+some time before English golfers will place orders for plaster casts
+of their language.
+
+***
+
+Nearly all the extra firemen required for the London Fire Brigade have
+been engaged. Clients are assured that arrears of fires will now be
+worked off with all speed.
+
+***
+
+According to a daily paper a severe thunderstorm which recently
+visited Luton was not heard by the audience in a local concert hall.
+It is rumoured that a performer was at the time reciting a chapter of
+Lord FISHER'S autobiography.
+
+***
+
+A strike of incubator-makers is threatened and many grocers who stock
+breakfast-eggs fear that a lot of chicks may come out in sympathy.
+
+***
+
+According to an evening paper a young lady who was chased by a bull
+in a provincial meadow ran a quarter of a mile and jumped a stream
+sixteen feet wide before gaining safety. Not much of a jump, surely,
+considering the long run she took.
+
+***
+
+"Whilst motoring between Baldock and Grantham one is struck by the
+greenness of the growing wheat and barley," states a writer in a motor
+journal. The regularity with which these cereal grasses adopt this
+colour is certainly worthy of attention.
+
+***
+
+Our heart goes out to the American travellers who set foot on our
+shores at Southampton one day last week just five minutes after
+closing-time.
+
+***
+
+In their recent match against Sussex the first four Middlesex batsmen
+each scored a century. We understand that in order to obviate a
+recurrence of this sort of thing a movement is on foot to increase the
+number of runs in a century to a hundred and fifty.
+
+***
+
+We are informed that "a man arrested by Dutch fishermen in the belief
+that it was the CROWN PRINCE making his escape turned out to be a
+notorious jewel thief." The error seems to have been excusable.
+
+***
+
+The case of the dock labourer who appeared at a County Court in a
+tail coat and white waistcoat is now explained. The man's valet, who
+usually looks after these things for him, had gone on strike for more
+wages.
+
+***
+
+Charged with taking one hundred and forty-five pounds of his
+employers' money a Newcastle office-boy was stated to have been
+reading trashy novels. It was thought to be only fair to the financial
+papers that the public should know where he got the idea from.
+
+***
+
+"I reckon I can drink fifty pints a day, easy," a witness told the
+Portsmouth magistrates. He may do it for a while, but sooner or later
+his arm is bound to go back on him.
+
+***
+
+"Under British guidance," says a contemporary, "Persia's future is
+bright with promise." We know nothing of its future, but its present
+seems to be scintillating with performance under Bolshevik direction.
+
+***
+
+"Cave exploration," declares a writer in _The Daily Mail_, "is a most
+fascinating sport." There is always the thrilling possibility that you
+may find another Liberal principle hidden away somewhere.
+
+***
+
+Owing to the increased cost of living it is said that burglars will
+now only book jewel robberies of two thousand pounds and over.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CHAGRIN OF MEMBER OF ADVANCED ART GROUP AT NECESSITY OF
+MAKING THE LETTERING OF HIS POSTER INTELLIGIBLE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"NEW POLICY IN IRELAND.
+
+    NO TRIALS WITHOUT ARRESTS."
+
+    _Dublin Paper._
+
+A good idea, but it was anticipated in the matter of jugged hare.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Register as a regular reader of _The Daily ----_, and you
+    at once disqualify for L3 a week during disablement."--_Daily
+    Paper._
+
+We shall be careful not to register.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ODYSSEUS AT THE DERBY.
+
+    [Racing men will not need to be reminded that Polumetis
+    (many-counselled) is named after a common epithet of the hero
+    of the _Odyssey_.]
+
+  At times the pulse of memory is stirred
+    Out of a chronic state of coma
+  By just a poignant tune, a rhythmic word,
+    A whiff of some refined aroma,
+  And lo! the brain is made aware
+  Of records which it didn't know were there.
+
+  So in a sudden moment I was shot
+    Back to my boyhood and the highly
+  Instructive works of HOMER, long forgot,
+  And with the late _Odysseus_ (wily)
+  Ploughed once again the wine-red deep
+  On drawing Polumetis in a sweep.
+
+  Oh, "many-counselled" hero! if a horse
+    Your attributes may also borrow,
+  Lend him your cunning round the Derby course,
+    Teach him a thing or two to-morrow,
+  That at the end it may be said:
+  "He did a great performance with his head."
+
+  As you contrived by tricks of crafty skill
+    Ever to down your foes and flatten 'em,
+  So may he lie low going up the hill,
+    Secure the inside berth at Tattenham,
+  And do a finish up the straight
+  Swift as your shafts that sealed the suitors' fate!
+
+  Fortune attend his name, though some deplore
+    Its pedantry, and I assume it is
+  Likely, from what I know of bookies' lore,
+    That on the rails he'll be "Poloometis";
+  For me, I do not care two pins
+  How they pronounce him, if he only wins.
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SERENE BATSMAN.
+
+It is a common fallacy among cricketing coaches and their pupils
+that when the young batsman has mastered all the strokes that can be
+imparted to him at the nets his education is complete. So far from
+that being the case, it has barely begun. Under the prevailing system,
+the psychological factor, the most important of all, is entirely
+neglected. The most trying moment of a cricketer's life is when he
+first steps forth alone from the pavilion of a public ground. In that
+moment all that the old pro has taught him of cuts and drives, forward
+play and back play, will not prevent his knees from weakening as he
+totters to the wicket, whereas the following hints may enable him to
+face the occasion with confidence if not contempt.
+
+Remember that for a public performer a good entrance is more than
+half the battle; the first impression on the spectators is the most
+lasting.
+
+Nothing looks worse than a batsman hurrying out at a furtive trot, as
+if he were going to pawn his bat. When your turn comes to go in, take
+care to be just within the regulation two minutes, but school yourself
+to emerge from the pavilion at a leisurely stride with more than a
+suspicion of swagger in it. The bat should not be carried as a
+shy curate carries a shabby umbrella, but either boldly across the
+shoulder, like a rifle, or tucked under the armpit, so that you may
+do up your batting-gloves in your progress across the greensward. An
+excellent effect will be produced if you pause half-way and execute
+a few fancy strokes at an imaginary ball. Besides, you may not have
+another opportunity of displaying your accomplishment.
+
+Having, as it were, reported yourself at the wicket, it is a good plan
+to discover that you need a new batting-glove. This will afford you
+an excuse for a return journey to the pavilion, during which your
+gait will lose nothing in stateliness if you can manage to adopt the
+goose-step. On your return to the wicket you will probably find,
+if the weather is mild and the grass dry, that the fieldsmen
+are reclining on the ground; it will enhance your reputation for
+nonchalance and good-fellowship if you can contrive to give one of
+them a playful pat with your bat in passing, especially if he is a
+total stranger to you and much your senior.
+
+On your second arrival at the wicket, you might get the wicket-keeper
+to take his gloves off and adjust the straps of your pads. This is one
+of many subtle ways of demoralising the fielding side and whetting the
+interest of the onlookers.
+
+After taking middle with such scrupulous exactitude as to imply that
+you suspect the umpire's eyesight, take one of the bails and scratch a
+block deep enough to plant something in. Then beckon to the square-leg
+umpire to come and replace the bail. In this you will be strictly
+within the law, and nobody can suspect you of the surreptitious use of
+a little cobbler's wax.
+
+Your next move should be to summon the other batsman to a whispered
+conference in the middle of the pitch. It doesn't much matter what you
+say to him; a new funny story or the plot of a play you saw last week
+will serve to make him assume an air of thoughtful attention.
+
+After a chat of about five minutes, you will return slowly to your
+crease, there to scrutinise the slip fieldsmen, and then to gaze all
+round the ground as if to make sure that the other side is not playing
+more than eleven men.
+
+When taking your stance you will do well to give full effect to some
+such mannerism as Mr. WARNER'S trick of hitching up the left side
+of the trousers and tapping the ground seven times. And just as the
+bowler is about to start his run you can disconcert him by suddenly
+whipping round to see if they have moved another man over to the leg
+side while your back was turned.
+
+As soon as the bowler has covered half his course to the wicket you
+should raise your hand to arrest his career. Then you must stroll
+about a third of the way up the pitch and give the ground a good
+slapping with the face of your bat.
+
+If you feel so inclined, there is no reason why you should not repeat
+this man[oe]uvre. Nothing is more calculated to upset a highly-strung
+bowler. And when the ball does come down the chances are that it will
+be a wide, in which case you will have earned one run for your side.
+If, on the other hand, it should happen to knock your middle stump out
+of the ground, there is nothing more to be done, but you will have the
+satisfactory feeling that your little turn in the limelight has not
+been utterly inglorious.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Gothic: In Memoriam.]
+
+CECIL CLAY.
+
+  Athlete and wit, whose genial tongue
+  Cheered and refreshed but never stung;
+  Maker of mirth and wholesome jokes;
+  Fit mate of dear ROSINA VOKES;
+  Creator, to our endless joy,
+  Of priceless _Arthur Pomeroy_--
+  Light lie the earth above his head
+  Who lightened many a heart of lead;
+  Courteous and chivalrous and gay,
+  In very truth no common Clay.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We learn with regret of the death of Mr. A. CHANTREY CORBOULD, whose
+work as a sporting artist was familiar to an earlier generation of
+_Punch's_ readers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ENVOYS EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+PRIME MINISTER (_to Bolshevist Delegates._) "HAPPY TO SEE YOU,
+GENTLEMEN. BUT WOULD YOU MIND GOING ROUND BY THE TRADESMEN'S ENTRANCE,
+JUST FOR THE LOOK OF THE THING?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Shipwrecked Mariner._ "AHOY, MATES! WOT 'S WON T'
+DERBY?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE RISE AND FALL OF AN AMATEUR EXAMINER.
+
+The Nabobs is, I suppose, one of the best girls' schools in England.
+Anyhow it is perhaps the most exclusive unless you have money enough.
+But, as the prospectus says, "it commands an extensive view of the
+English Channel," and I suppose these things have to be paid for. At
+all events there is no doubt that the principal, Miss Penn-Cushing,
+has her heart in her work and is a splendid disciplinarian, and so I
+sent my niece Mollie there to be finished (her mother being in India).
+
+I have an idea at times that it is Mollie who will finish Miss
+Penn-Cushing, but I try to preserve a benevolent neutrality combined
+with a regular supply of food parcels to my niece.
+
+Miss Penn-Cushing is LL.A. of one University and LL.B. of another,
+and, I think, LL.C. of a third, so that she ought to be more than a
+match for six Mollies.
+
+I have always had the impression that Miss Penn-Cushing regarded me as
+a humble entomological specimen until the other day when she paid me a
+staggering compliment. She herself teaches all the English literature
+in her academy, and each class in turn goes up to her room to receive
+its daily dose. Mollie says that when she grows up she is going to
+give up English literature for ever and read something interesting.
+
+I am glad that the revered Principal is never present to hear Mollie's
+blasphemies, at which I as an uncle have to shudder. Since the
+publication of _The Cambridge History of English Literature_ Miss
+Penn-Cushing has been steadily absorbing it, to help her in her daily
+task, and has apparently reached the chapter in which is suitably
+acknowledged the debt of English literature to _Punch_.
+
+So at least I judge, for she gave the girls a long serious talk on
+humour in literature, how to detect it and what should be done about
+it. One rather sensitive child began to cry, but Mollie, who has
+never kept a secret in her life and in fact loves to drag her uncle's
+skeletons out of cupboards, blurted out, "Uncle writes for _Punch_!"
+
+I was somewhat alarmed when I heard of this, for I did not know how
+Miss Penn-Cushing, who keeps all the girls' uncles in order, might
+take it. My fears were groundless, perhaps stupid, for the immediate
+result was an invitation to examine Mollie's form in literature at the
+forthcoming Christmas examination. I felt uplifted in spirit; I felt
+that people were beginning to understand me. I even entertained an
+hallucination that perhaps Mollie might now treat my intellect with
+respect and stop calling me "Old dear." Three inches taller I sat down
+to my desk and, thanking Miss Penn-Cushing for the honour paid me, I
+promised I would do my best, although it would be my first appearance
+in the _role_.
+
+I determined, however, not to allow this distinction to make me
+overbearing to my inferiors at our next speech-day. I would be affable
+to ordinary uncles, common parents and guardians of the other girls,
+but I would lead the conversation artfully on to other literary
+critics and examiners of the past. As a preparation I read up MATTHEW
+ARNOLD.
+
+It is not easy to be an examiner, I found. I would rather write ten
+leading articles than one examination-paper. It appeared that I had
+to set themes for essays as well as questions in literature. We never
+learnt literature when I was young and I didn't know you could, but I
+borrowed a text-book from Mollie and did my best.
+
+The result was a crushing letter from the lady principal. She said
+that "The Ten Points of a good Doll" seemed a preposterous subject
+for senior students of literature to write about, and "My Favourite
+Elopement in Fiction" would be outside the purview of any of her
+girls. She would substitute instead (with my permission), "The Debt of
+Literature (as well as Science) to DARWIN" and "My Favourite Piece of
+Epic Poetry." In fine, if I did not really mind, she would herself set
+all the questions and I should examine the answers. She thought that
+the more fructiferous course.
+
+How to mark was my chief difficulty. How many marks should one give a
+darling with brown eyes and a musical laugh (Mollie has brought her to
+tea often) who signs herself "Norah O'Brien," and winds up delightful
+irrelevances about DARWIN and her abhorrence of reptiles with a
+personal appeal to the examiner. I do not know what other examiners do
+in such cases. It was a beautifully worded and most respectful appeal.
+I decided to give her forty for Norah and forty for O'Brien. Both
+names have always appealed to me.
+
+This made it necessary for me to give eighty marks to her sister
+Kathleen, who wrote really an excellent essay on a subject we had
+stupidly forgotten to set. It was an excellent subject, and she has
+even browner eyes than Norah, but as an examiner one must be rigid and
+impartial.
+
+Eunice came next. This name recalled dear memories of the past and of
+what might have been. But as an examiner I could not let old dreams
+weigh down my impartial scales, so I refused to give her more than
+eighty. Finally, for they are really charming girls and know far more
+about literature than I do, I gave eighty to everybody except Mollie,
+and for being Mollie I gave her eighty-two.
+
+I forgot. There was one perfectly horrid little girl called Katie de
+Pinnock. She never shared her chocolates with anyone; the fact was
+notorious. She wrote in a copperplate hand sentiments like
+these: "MILTON awes me; SHELLEY thrills me; BLAKE, the prophet of
+self-sacrifice, is ever my consolation and my guide. I ask for nothing
+beyond." I gave her nineteen.
+
+And now comes the tragedy. Miss Penn-Cushing's letter of thanks
+was icy. She feared I had been "a thought nepotic," and (with my
+permission) she would revise my marks.
+
+She dealt me the final blow at our Speech-Day. "I have decided," she
+gave out, "to award the first prize in Literature to Miss Katie de
+Pinnock. I am sure, though, that you will not be surprised to hear
+that Mr. Marcus O'Reilly, our examiner, was so impressed with the
+literary excellence of all your papers that he has presented the whole
+class with consolation prizes. We tender him our heartiest thanks."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Farmer._ "EH, LUCY, THESE MOVING STAIRS DO BE VINE
+THINGS VOR SAVING VOLK'S TIME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Commercial Candour.
+
+Extract from a Canadian business-circular:--
+
+    "What intelligent car owners have been looking for is a tire
+    that will give them a minimum amount of service for a maximum
+    amount of expenditure. You can get that tire from us."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE MASSACRE OF THE INNOCENTS.
+
+BY THE RT. HON. C. F. G. MASTERMAN.
+
+    'Die, thou children of stormy dawn,' cries the Prime
+    Minister to-day, as he stamps out the life of his little land
+    taxes."--_Daily News._
+
+According to his critic Mr. LLOYD GEORGE seems to have done great
+violence to his syntax as well as to his little land taxes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The bride, a tall brunette, looked a vision of golden
+    beauty as she advanced up the aisle on the arm of her
+    father."--_Evening Paper._
+
+We do not think that this was the right occasion for an exposure of
+feminine camouflage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ART OF POETRY.
+
+I.
+
+Many people have said to me, "I wish I could write poems. I often try,
+but----" They mean, I gather, that the impulse, the creative itch,
+is in them, but they don't know how to satisfy it. My own position is
+that I know how to write poetry, but I can't be bothered. I have not
+got the itch. The least I can do, however, is to try to help those who
+have.
+
+A mistake commonly committed by novices is to make up their minds what
+it is they are going to say before they begin. This is superfluous
+effort, tending to cramp the style. It is permissible, if not
+essential, to select a _subject_--say, MUD--but any detailed argument
+or plan which may restrict the free development of metre and rhyme (if
+any) is to be discouraged.
+
+With that understanding, let us now write a poem about MUD.
+
+I should begin in this sort of way:--
+
+  Mud, mud,
+  Nothing but mud,
+  O my God!
+
+It will be seen at once that we are not going to have much rhyme in
+this poem; or if we do we shall very soon be compelled to strike a
+sinister note, because almost the only rhymes to _mud_ are _blood_ and
+_flood_; while, as the authors of our hymns have discovered, there
+are very few satisfactory rhymes to _God_. They shamefully evaded the
+difficulty by using words like _road_, but in first-class poetry one
+cannot do that. On the whole, therefore, this poem had better be _vers
+libre_. That will take much less time and be more dramatic, without
+plunging us into a flood of blood or anything drastic like that. We
+now go on with a little descriptive business:--
+
+  Into the sunset, swallowing up the sun,
+  Crawling, creeping,
+  The naked flats----
+
+Now there ought to be a verb. That is the worst of _vers libre_; one
+gets carried away by beautiful phrases and is brought up suddenly by
+a complete absence of verbs. However at a pinch one can do without a
+verb; that is the best of _vers libre_:--
+
+  Amber and gold,
+  Deep-stained in mystery
+  And the colours of mystery,
+          Inapprehensible,
+  Golden like wet-gold,
+  Amber like a woman of Arabia
+  That has in her breast
+  The forsaken treasures of old Time,
+  Love and Destruction,
+  Oblivion and Decay,
+  And bully-beef tins,
+          Tin upon tin,
+  Old boots, and bottles that hold no more
+  Their richness in them.
+          And I----
+
+We might do a good deal more of this descriptive business, bringing in
+something about dead bodies, mud of course being full of dead bodies.
+But we had better get on. We strike now the personal note:--
+
+          And I,
+  I too am no more than a bottle,
+          An empty bottle,
+  Heaving helpless on the mud of life,
+  Without a label and without a cork,
+  Empty I am, yet no man troubles
+          To return me.
+          And why?
+  Because there is not sixpence on me.
+          Bah!
+  The sun goes down in the West
+          (Or is it the East?)
+  But I remain here,
+  Drifting empty under the night,
+          Drifting----
+
+When one is well away with this part of the poem it is almost
+impossible to stop. When you are writing in metre you come eventually
+to the eighth line of the last verse and you have to stop; but in
+_vers libre_ you have no assistance of that kind. This particular poem
+is being written for instructional purposes in a journal of limited
+capacity, so it will probably have to stop fairly soon; but in
+practice it would go on for a long time yet. In any case, however, it
+would end in the same way, like this:--
+
+  Mud, mud,
+  Nothing but mud,
+  O, my God!
+
+That reasserts, you see, in a striking manner, the original _motif_,
+and somehow expresses in a few words the poignant melancholy of the
+whole poem. Another advantage in finishing a long poem, such as this
+would be, in the same way as you began it is that it makes it clear
+to the reader that he is still reading the same poem. Sometimes, and
+especially in _vers libre_ of an emotional and digressive character,
+the reader has a hideous fear that he has turned over two pages and
+got into another poem altogether. This little trick reassures him;
+and if you are writing _vers libre_ you must not lose any legitimate
+opportunity of reassuring the reader.
+
+To treat the same theme in metre and rhyme will be a much more
+difficult matter. The great thing will be to avoid getting _mud_ at
+the end of a line, for the reasons already given. We had better have
+long ten-syllable lines, and we had better have four of them in each
+verse. GRAY wrote an elegy in that metre which has given general
+satisfaction. We will begin:--
+
+  As I came down through Chintonbury Hole
+    The tide rolled out from Wurzel to the sea.
+
+In a serious poem of this kind it is essential to establish a locality
+atmosphere at once; therefore one mentions a few places by name to
+show that one has been there. If the reader has been there too he will
+like the poem, and if he hasn't no harm is done. The only thing is
+that locally Chintonbury is probably pronounced Chun'bury, in which
+case it will not scan. One cannot be too careful about that sort of
+thing. However, as an illustration Chintonbury will serve.
+
+It is now necessary to show somehow in this verse that the poem is
+about mud; it is also necessary to organise a rhyme for 'Hole' and a
+rhyme for 'sea,' and of the two this is the more important. I shall do
+it like this:--
+
+  And like the unclothed levels of my soul
+    The yellow mud lay mourning nakedly.
+
+There is a good deal to be said against these two lines. For one thing
+I am not sure that the mud ought to be yellow; it will remind people
+of Covent Garden Tube Station, and no one wants to be reminded of
+that. However, it does suggest the inexpressible biliousness of the
+theme.
+
+I think "levels" is a little weak. It is a good poetical word and
+doesn't mean anything in particular; but we have too many words of
+that kind in this verse. "Deserts" would do, except that deserts and
+mud don't go very well together. However, that sort of point must be
+left to the individual writer.
+
+At first sight the student may think that "naked_ly_" is not a good
+rhyme for "sea." Nor is it. If you do that kind of thing in comic
+poetry no editor will give you money. But in serious poetry it is
+quite legitimate; in fact it is rather encouraged. That is why serious
+poetry is so much easier than comic poetry. In my next lecture I shall
+deal with comic poetry.
+
+I don't think I shall finish this poem now. The fact is, I am not
+feeling so inspired as I was. It is very hot. Besides, I have got
+hay-fever and keep on sneezing. Constant sneezing knocks all the
+inspiration out of a man. At the same time a tendency to hay-fever is
+a sign of intellect and culture, and all the great poets were martyrs
+to it. That is why none of them grew very lyrical about hay. Corn
+excited them a good deal, and even straw, but hay hardly ever.
+
+So the student must finish this poem as best he can, and I shall be
+glad to consider and criticise what he does, though I may say at
+once that there will be no prize. It ought to go on for another eight
+verses or so, though that is not essential in these days, for if it
+simply won't go on it can just stop in the middle. Only then it must
+be headed "MUD: A Fragment."
+
+And in any case, in the bottom left-hand corner, the student must
+write: _Chintonbury, May 28th, 1920._
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES.
+
+WHAT OUR PROFITEER'S BUTLER (WHO WAS TAKEN ON WITH THE HOUSE AND
+FURNITURE) HAS TO PUT UP WITH:--MASTER'S RELATIONS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ELIZABETH'S TIP FOR THE DERBY.
+
+"Talkin' o' the Derby," began Elizabeth.
+
+As a matter of fact I was not talking of the Derby or even thinking of
+it at the moment. I had just been telling Elizabeth that the omelette
+which she had served us at dinner was leathery, and her remark struck
+me as irrelevant.
+
+"Master thinks the omelettes would be lighter if you fried them in
+more butter," I continued. Of course Master had thought nothing of the
+kind. But nowadays complaints must be conveyed to domestics in this
+indirect way.
+
+Elizabeth ignored the omelette. "I'm goin' to win fifty pounds at
+least," she exclaimed, and in her excitement broke the cup she held--I
+mean to say the cup came in two in her hand as she spoke. "I've got a
+bit on an 'orse for the Derby."
+
+I felt slightly shocked. It is always surprising to discover a latent
+sporting instinct in one's domestics, unless they are highly placed
+and dignified domestics like butlers or head-footmen; but in a
+cook-general it seems peculiarly low.
+
+"I shouldn't bet if I were you," I advised; "I think--er--_Master_
+thinks," I added involuntarily--"that you might lose money at it."
+
+"But I'm goin' to _win_ money this time," announced Elizabeth
+triumphantly; "my young man ses so, and 'e knows."
+
+"Which young man?" I inquired.
+
+Elizabeth, I ought perhaps to explain, is uncertain about her young
+men. She never has any lack of them; but they are like ships that pass
+in the night (her night out as a rule) and one by one they drift off,
+never stopping to cast anchor in her vicinity. You know what I mean.
+Elizabeth can't _keep_ a young man. Perhaps she lacks the charm which
+BARRIE describes as "a sort of a bloom on a woman." Or if she has any
+of that bloom it must be swamped in the moist oleaginous atmosphere of
+washing-up which seems to cling permanently about her.
+
+"It's a new young man," said Elizabeth in answer to my question, "an'
+'e's got work in a racin' stable, so that's 'ow 'e knows wot's goin'
+to win. It'll be an outsider, 'e ses, which makes it all the better
+for me."
+
+"All the better for you?"
+
+"Yes, 'm. You see, the more you puts on the more you wins."
+
+Elizabeth may not have charm but she certainly has simplicity. "You
+don't mean to say," I cried, a light breaking on me, "that you got
+your next month's wages in advance just to put it all on a horse?"
+
+"That I did," she replied complacently. "You see, my young man ses
+that, if you put it on some time before'and, you get a better price,
+so I thort I'd give it to 'im to put on at once. 'E promised 'e
+wouldn't waste a minnit over it."
+
+"But this is most foolish of you--to trust your money to an entire
+stranger," I expostulated.
+
+"'E isn't a stranger--'e's my young man," corrected Elizabeth, tossing
+her head.
+
+For the following few days she was radiant--but then anybody would be
+who was certain of the winner of the Derby a week before the race.
+In addition to this she had got a young man. Those brief periods
+when Elizabeth's young men are in the incipient stages of paying her
+attention are agreeable to everybody. Elizabeth, feeling no doubt in
+her rough untutored way that God's in His heaven and all's right with
+the world, sings at her work; she shows extraordinary activity when
+going about her duties. She does unusual things like remembering to
+polish the brasses every week--indeed you have only to step into the
+hall and glance at the stair-rods to discover the exact stage of her
+latest "affair." I remember that, when one ardent swain "in the flying
+corpse" went to the length of offering her marriage before he flew
+away, she cleaned the entire house down in her enthusiasm, and had
+actually got to the cellars before he vanished out of her life.
+
+The follower from the racing stable might aptly be described as "The
+Man Who Never Came Back." He romped out of Elizabeth's existence on
+the Sunday preceding the Derby.
+
+"I waited for 'im four-an'-an-'arf 'ours, an' 'e didn't turn up," she
+informed me next day.
+
+"Perhaps he was prevented from keeping the appointment," I suggested
+to comfort her, though I felt the outlook was gloomy.
+
+She shook her head. "I'll never see 'im no more. I _know_ 'em," she
+said, drawing on the depth of her experience of young men who do the
+vanishing trick. "An' my money gone too. It's 'eartbreakin'. But I
+might 'ave known that that there 'orse was a bad sign."
+
+"What horse?" I asked, bewildered.
+
+"The one 'e told me to put my money on. The name alone ought to have
+set me agen it; it was too true to life."
+
+"And what was the name of the horse?" I inquired as she drifted
+dismally to the door.
+
+"'E Goes," said Elizabeth mournfully.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "TRY 'IM WIV A WORM, GUV'NOR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THINGS NOT GENERALLY KNOWN.
+
+(_By our Lunatic Contributor._)
+
+  That the notorious KING BELSHAZZAR
+  Was noted as the earliest Jazzer;
+  That, on the contrary, ZERUBBABEL
+  Was most exclusive and unclubbable;
+  That ROMULUS and brother REMUS
+  Were not so tall as Polyphemus;
+  That the one weakness of Calypso
+  Was what is briefly known as "dipso;"
+  That CLODIUS, very long ago,
+  First bore the nickname of "Old Clo;"
+  That the illustrious PALESTRINA
+  Did not invent the concertina;
+  That WAGNER'S methods in _Tannhaeuser_
+  Never appealed to _Mrs. Poyser_;
+  That the Albanian PRENK BIB DODA
+  Prefers his whisky _minus_ soda;
+  That good Professor FLINDERS PETRIE
+  Did not discover SACHA GUITRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Journalistic Sleuths.
+
+    "The circumstances under which the deceased came by his
+    death are shrouded in mystery. From the gun shot wounds it
+    is surmised that he either shot himself or somebody had shot
+    him."--_Indian Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Would Persons present in Restaurant in Shiprow on Saturday
+    Night, when dispute arose with regard to sixpence, please
+    communicate with No. 798 Express Office?"
+
+    _Scotch Paper._
+
+Who heard the bang?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: [Week-end hostesses are now giving "Lend-a-hand"
+parties, at which every guest is expected to do some household
+service.]
+
+_Wife._ "I'M ASKING DOLLY DITCHWATER THIS WEEK-END. BIT DULL, BUT SHE
+DOESN'T DROP THE CHINA."
+
+_Husband._ "DON'T FORGET BERTIE BUNT. BIT OF A BOUNDER, BUT HE'S AN
+ACE AT CLEANING BOOTS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AMERICA AGAIN.
+
+A situation of extreme international delicacy has recently arisen.
+We understand, with regard to the impending strike of Italian
+organ-grinders and ice-cream merchants in the Metropolis, that Signori
+Rimbombo Furioso and Fagiuolo Antico, representing the Amalgamated
+Society of Itinerant Instrumentalists and the National Union of
+Refrigerated Tuck Sellers, have lately been invited to a conference
+with Dr. MACNAMARA, and their economic grievances are now under
+the consideration of the MINISTER OF LABOUR. These, briefly, are as
+follows:
+
+(1) The high price of sugar.
+
+(2) Restricted hours and insufficient emoluments.
+
+(3) Undue interference by the police.
+
+(4) Inadequate supplies of monkey nuts.
+
+It now appears that in order to make a bid for the large Italian vote
+in the forthcoming Presidential elections in the U.S.A. a violent
+anti-British propaganda campaign is raging on the other side of the
+Atlantic, and that an enormous amount of spurious sympathy is being
+manufactured on behalf of the purveyors of rotary music and frozen
+confectionery in Soho. Beautiful Italian girls are daily besieging the
+British Embassy at Washington with placards bearing such inscriptions
+as--
+
+  SHOULD HOKEY POKEY SUFFER?
+
+  ENGLAND COERCES HER TRAVELLING ORGANISTS.
+
+  AMERICANS! HELP THE DUMB APE!
+
+The agitation is the more uncalled for since, as a matter of fact,
+both Signor Furioso and Signor Antico, like most of their compatriots
+in this country, are pronounced Irredentists and filled with
+aspirations for a larger Italy, so that they have little or nothing in
+common with anti-Imperialistic America. Nevertheless, so bitter is
+the feeling which has been aroused that large subsidies are being sent
+overseas and Black Hand gangs organised to resist the London police.
+All over the outer suburbs organ-grinders are refusing to move on,
+and insist on playing well into the early hours of the morning.
+Deleterious substances of an explosive nature are being mingled with
+the ice cream, or else it is being supplied in such a watery condition
+that it is impossible for customers to lick it out of the receptacle
+without ruining their shirt fronts and waistcoats. Monkeys are being
+trained to give violent manifestations of ferocity, and, should the
+present heat-wave continue, rabies is anticipated.
+
+The latest development is a rumoured suggestion from the U.S.A.
+Government that a representative should be sent over to take part
+in the Conference, and the names of Mr. JOE DEMPSEY and Mr. CHARLES
+CHAPLIN have been put forward as possible mediators.
+
+V.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "All is not plane sailing yet for the German in search of
+    foreign markets."--_Evening Paper._
+
+But wait till their flying bagmen get to work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Hairdresser in Ancient Assyria._ "DON'T GO, SIR. I
+SHALL BE FINISHED WITH THIS NOBLEMAN IN THREE OR FOUR HOURS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRACTICAL ZOOLOGY.
+
+There is nothing which distinguishes your true Briton so much as the
+systematic study of the ways of wild animals, and there is no kind of
+instruction which an English child so eagerly accepts.
+
+"The addax or Nubian antelope," how frequently one may hear a father
+say to his small son in the schoolroom, "has horns very similar to
+those of the Indian antelope, but is a larger animal." "Yes, father,"
+responds the boy brightly, "it has a tuft of long hair on the forehead
+and large broad hoofs, adapted for treading on fine and loose sands."
+
+But it is easier perhaps to make these nice points in natural
+history in the comparative calm of the home than in the more frenzied
+atmosphere that reigns in the Zoological Gardens themselves. It is
+for that reason that I have put together the few notes which follow,
+hoping that they may assist the reader to adopt a definite system in
+dealing with this great national institution and educate the young
+mind on a reasoned and scientific plan.
+
+Take the order of visiting the cages first. I do not complain of
+your natural wish to begin with the giraffe, because it has such an
+absurdly long neck and may possibly mistake Pamela's straw-hat for a
+bunch of hay and try to eat it, and because you will be able to see
+the hippopotamus on the way. As a matter of fact you will find that
+the giraffe is not standing near the bars at all, but close to its
+stable, where it is mincing and bridling exactly like a lady in a
+Victorian novel, and as for the hippopotamus you cannot see the
+pretty pink part of him because he is giving his famous imitation of
+a submarine. But never mind that. Your difficulty now will be, "What
+shall we do next?" and in order to assist you I have constructed a
+logical order for visiting the various cages. Here it is:--
+
+    1. The lions, because you can hear them already roaring most
+    horribly fiercely.
+
+    2. The sea-lions, because they are saying "Ock, ock."
+
+    3. The lions, because the tiger may be roaring too this time.
+
+    4. The Elephant House. No, Pamela, I don't know why he is
+    swaying about like that.
+
+    5. The lions, because Tony did not really see the black
+    panther, which was asleep in one corner of its cage.
+
+    6. The Monkey House. I suppose we _must_.
+
+    7. The lions, to wait there till they are fed.
+
+The only trouble about this order is that you may not have much time
+to visit the Mappin Terraces, and it is of course very important that
+you should go there because of the bears. The bears by rights should
+be fed on umbrellas, because they suck the stick and the ribs of the
+frame for all the world as if they were pieces of asparagus, and tear
+the silk part very carefully into tiny little shreds. But umbrellas
+are very expensive just now and the keeper does not think they are
+very good for the bears either. It is better to give them oranges, but
+oranges are expensive too, so you must make quite certain that you do
+not waste them on the grizzlies which are not on the Mappin Terraces
+at all. It is no use giving an orange to a grizzly bear, because it
+goes down with one quick motion, like the red into the right-hand top
+pocket. But if you give it to one of the Himalayan bears he opens it
+and scoops out all the inside and guzzles it up and then sits down and
+licks his paws exactly like a Christian, and while he is doing that
+the other Himalayan bear comes up and is so annoyed at not having an
+orange too that he lies down and groans with rage and flaps himself
+with his paws. So you have to get another orange.
+
+Another thing that you have missed all this time and ought to see if
+possible is the Antelope House, where the telephone is. I don't know why
+the antelopes want a telephone more than all the other animals, but
+they do. Of course if they knew how bad the telephone is they would
+realise that with their long legs they could get there and back again
+in much quicker time than it takes to get a call through.
+
+And then there are the Small Birds. It is not known to everybody,
+least of all, I think, to poets, that the nightingale sings best of
+all in a cage in broad daylight and amongst a lot of other birds,
+all twittering away like anything. We should like to take Mr. ROBERT
+BRIDGES to the Small Birds' House. We should like to take Mr. ROBERT
+SMILLIE there too, and introduce him to the bird just underneath the
+nightingale, which is called the Talking Mynah.
+
+But you are not very much interested in coal or poetry, and will
+probably like the Sugar Birds best, for, if there is anything more
+delightful than being a bird, especially a tiny little bird, blue or
+green underneath, it must be living on sugar and having grapes stuck
+in the bars of your cage.
+
+The snakes of course are slimy sort of creatures and their house is
+a long way off, and, though we fully agree with you that the monkeys
+were just like real persons, we think we really ought to be starting
+home now.
+
+No, there is no time to see the lions again....
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A DARK HORSE.
+
+PROFITEER. "'ECONOMY'? NEVER HEARD THE NAME. LOOKS AS IF HE MIGHT
+SPOIL MY BOOK, THOUGH."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NICETIES OF CLOTHES ECONOMY.
+
+"GOOD LORD! THAT FELLOW'S ACTUALLY HAD HIS OVERALLS _PATCHED_!"
+
+"DARNED LITTLE FOP."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CAP THAT FITS.
+
+"Gerald, dear," said my wife the other evening, "I wish you'd write
+and order some more notepaper; we've hardly any left."
+
+"All right, Margaret. What sort do you want? The last lot was
+beastly--too thick to make into spills and not large enough for
+drawing up the fire."
+
+"Well, here's a list of the different kinds they have in stock at
+Jones and Robinson's."
+
+I took it from her and glanced through it. "What do you say to 'Cream
+Laid,' Margaret? I like the sound of that. It will make me feel so
+nice and cool in the hot weather to think of the rows of fresh-faced
+country girls, in their spotless white overalls, pouring the cream
+delicately over the paper. I wonder how they get it to stop exactly at
+the edge?"
+
+"It wants a very cool head and steady hand, I expect," said Margaret;
+"they'd all be picked cream-layers, of course. But how would you like
+'thick hand-made paper with deckle edges'? What are deckle edges, I
+wonder; and how is paper hand-made?"
+
+"Rather like treading grapes, I fancy, only that's done by foot. I
+mean they smash up the pulp with a very heavy pestle in a huge----"
+
+"Mortar!" cried Margaret triumphantly.
+
+"Yes; but am I telling this story or are you? Well, and then they put
+it through a mangle----"
+
+"Wurzel," said Margaret.
+
+"Wrong--just a mangle, and roll it out flat, after which they deckle
+the edges."
+
+"But how do they do that, Gerald?"
+
+"Oh, they just call in the edge-deckler and say, 'See to 't that yon
+edges be deckled ere set o' sun,' and he sees to 't. His is a most
+important post, I believe."
+
+Margaret came and sat on a tuffet by my chair.
+
+"Sorry about wurzel," she said. "Now tell me all about machine-made
+paper, there's a dear. It will be so nice to be able to explain all
+this to Nat when he's older."
+
+"Paper-making by machinery, my dear," I said graciously, "is a most
+complicated process. I won't puzzle you with all the details, but
+roughly the idea is to pulp up the--er--rags and so on in a huge
+sort of--er--bowl, and then to roll it out thin in the rolling-out
+machine."
+
+Margaret thought this over. "It sounds just the same as the
+hand-made," she said.
+
+"Oh, _no_," I said quickly; "it's all done by _machinery_, you see.
+Pistons and rollers and--er--mechanical edge-decklers and so on."
+
+"And what does 'Linen Wove' mean?"
+
+"They employ people to thread the paper with linen threads, my dear.
+A very delicate performance; that's why Linen Wove is so expensive.
+Azure Wove is, of course, done with blue flaxen threads. Silurian Bond
+is made by a fellowship of geologists, and for Chelsea Bank they have
+a factory on the bank of the Thames at Cheyne Walk. That's all I need
+tell you, though I know a lot more."
+
+"I never realised before how awfully interesting paper-making could
+be," said Margaret gratefully. "Write and order me a good supply
+of Chelsea Cream Wove, will you, dear? Oh, and some other kind for
+yourself, to write your stories on. Don't forget."
+
+"Very well; Chelsea Cream Wove for you. And what shall I have?"
+
+Margaret's mouth twitched a little.
+
+"Foolscap, I think, dear," she said.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Sandy (viewing doctor's bill)._ "BUT THE BILL IS NO
+RICHT, SIR. YE'VE CHARGED ME FOR SEVEN DAYS INSTEAD O' SIX. DINNA YE
+MIND I WAS DELEERIOUS ONE DAY AN' WAS NOT AWEER OF YOUR PRESENCE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANALGESIA.
+
+(_With Mr. Punch's best wishes for the speedy recovery of the French
+PRESIDENT._)
+
+    ["President Deschanel ... was compelled to take several
+    analgesia cachets. (Analgesia is a condition in which there is
+    incapacity of feeling pain)."]--_Evening Paper._
+
+  When, haply through excess of cake,
+    In childhood's days of fun and frolic,
+  I suffered from that local ache
+    Known to the Faculty as colic;
+
+  Or if across the foam I fared
+    And was (invariably) sea-sick,
+  How much distress had I been spared
+    Just by a simple analgesic.
+
+  In the Headmaster's awesome den,
+    His cane poised o'er me palely bending,
+  A lozenge deftly swallowed then
+    Had eased the smart of its descending.
+
+  Thus might I have indulged in "rags,"
+    Immune from every sore corrective,
+  Nor need I then have stuffed my bags
+    With notebooks, often ineffective.
+
+  Henceforth, in any sort of fuss--
+    Life's little incidental dramas,
+  As when one boards a motor-bus
+    Or leaps from trains in one's pyjamas--
+
+  I'll take a tabloid. DESCHANEL!
+    So much to me your agile feat meant;
+  _L'exemple presidentiel_
+    Lends quite a _cachet_ to the treatment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "59 ACCIDENTS IN 5 YEARS.
+
+    PROPOSED ROAD WIDENING TO INCLUDE CEMETERY CORNER."
+
+    _Evening Paper._
+
+The only alternative would appear to be to enlarge the cemetery.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "SO YOU ABSENTED YOURSELF WITHOUT LEAVE, AND WENT TO
+EPSOM. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY?"
+
+"THAT IT WAS WORTH IT, SIR, EVEN IF IT DO MEAN THE LOSS OF MY
+PENSION."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ERROR OF JUDGMENT AT EPSOM.
+
+I am not attending the Derby this year. Nor was it my original
+intention to go last year, but since my beneficent employers, unasked,
+offered me a day off, Selina insisted we ought to go. It was a
+national institution, a sight everyone should see once in a lifetime,
+and so forth. I protested it was an extravagance; that to be married
+was really more than we could afford, let alone race-meetings. But
+Selina was firm. She would pay, if necessary, out of the house-keeping
+money. Besides it need cost nothing. We might win enough money to
+cover our expenses.
+
+Thus the idea of betting was introduced. Gambling in all forms is
+against my principles; and how I came to give in on the point I
+scarcely know. From the way Selina argued one might have supposed that
+a bet on the Derby was a prudent investment, something in the nature
+of a life-insurance which no careful husband would neglect to make.
+So I yielded, merely stipulating that our stake was not to exceed one
+pound: and this amount fortunately satisfied Selina's conception of
+recklessness.
+
+So upon the appointed day we found ourselves at the famous Heath,
+or is it the Downs? The selection of a horse to bear our fortunes to
+victory was not made without anxious debate, since Selina's choice was
+based upon the colour scheme of the jockey's coats, and mine on the
+romantic associations of the animals' names. In the end we compromised
+on a horse called Grand Parade.
+
+Next, equally momentous, we selected a bookmaker who was to oblige us
+by opposing our fancy at the most advantageous rate. I was in favour
+of picking a man whose abundance of chin and paunch would, should he
+default, prevent his attaining more than four miles an hour on the
+flat. I had already discovered one that answered this description. He
+was soliciting clients in a voice that made one think a vulture might
+be rending his liver. Selina, who pretends to read character from
+faces, declared his eyes were too close together for those of an
+honest man. She had singled out a more suitable individual, and she
+indicated to me a slender gentlemanly man dressed in a grey frock-coat
+with a tall hat of the same colour just pathetically beginning to grow
+shabby. He also invited custom, but in a refined, almost confidential
+tone which, in comparison with the braying of his rival, resembled
+the cooing of a dove. His features, which to me denoted weakness of
+character, Selina asserted to be those of an honourable man struggling
+with adversity. It was to support an ailing wife, she felt sure, that
+he toiled at his uncongenial vocation. I should have liked to explain,
+though I knew it was useless, that our object in dealing with him
+was not to contribute to the support of his wife; that our success,
+indeed, might mean that the unhappy lady would be deprived for many
+a week to come of those little delicacies that are essential to the
+comfort of an invalid.
+
+Against my better judgment I gave in and our little stake was
+deposited in his hands. I almost felt inclined to apologize for
+its smallness, but his courtesy in accepting it rendered excuses
+unnecessary. Nevertheless I should have preferred, when taking up a
+position to view the race, to have chosen a spot from which we could
+at the same time have kept an eye on his gentlemanly tall hat. Selina
+however poohpoohed the idea. We therefore walked some little distance
+to a point on the hill whence, some ten minutes later, we had the
+satisfaction of seeing Grand Parade gallop home a winner.
+
+In the moment of triumph I had almost forgotten my apprehensions as to
+our bookmaker. Selina however had not, for, as we caught sight of
+his elegant grey-clad figure on our return, she could not resist
+exclaiming, "See how wrong your suspicions were."
+
+The crowd, set loose after the tension of the race, impeded our
+progress, so that by the time we reached him he was alone. Apparently
+he had paid off all the other winners, and we were the last claimants
+to arrive.
+
+"Ah, I was waiting for you," he said in his easy well-bred fashion.
+"You will think it very strange, perhaps, but for the moment I am
+unable to pay you. Most absurd. My losses have been rather more than I
+calculated, and I have unfortunately disbursed all my available cash.
+You need be under no apprehension, however; if you will kindly give me
+your address you shall have a cheque by the first post to-morrow."
+
+I tried to recall what one did to welshers. I seemed to remember that
+one raised a hue-and-cry, that one tarred and feathered them, and rode
+them on a rail to a pond. I am, however, constitutionally timid
+about making my voice heard in public, and I was as short of tar and
+feathers as he was of ready cash. I had therefore no alternative but
+to draw out my pocket-case and present him with a card.
+
+"Ah, thanks," he said, and with a neat little silver pencil he
+scribbled on the back a hieroglyph of some sort, doubtless to jog his
+memory. Then he wished me good-day with many apologies and, politely
+taking off his hat to Selina, sauntered leisurely in the direction of
+the railway-station.
+
+I confess that this _contretemps_ somewhat dashed my spirits. Nor
+was my chagrin lessened by observing, during the remainder of the
+afternoon, my corpulent friend, notwithstanding the closeness of his
+eyes to each other, paying off regularly, at the end of each race, a
+host of customers with the greatest good grace, enlivened by coarse
+jocularities. I followed the rest of the sport with little zest, and
+my cup of enjoyment was not filled to overflowing when, possessing
+first-class return tickets, we had to stand, Selina as well as myself,
+in a crowded third-class smoker.
+
+Selina however preserved both her spirits and her confidence.
+Bookmakers, she had heard, were, as a class, most honourable. Their
+losses could not be recovered by law, but they regarded them as debts
+of honour. There were exceptions, of course, but the gentleman in grey
+was not one of them. Something told her so. I should see that she was
+right.
+
+At breakfast next morning we scanned our post for a letter in an
+unfamiliar handwriting. There was none.
+
+"It was really rather early to expect one," said Selina.
+
+On the following morning, however, amongst others there lay a letter
+in a strange writing, addressed moreover in precisely the same style
+as the description of me on my visiting card.
+
+"What did I tell you?" said Selina.
+
+"Well?" she asked, as I tore open the envelope and read the letter.
+
+"This must be some mistake," I said. "It is a demand from the railway
+for a first-class fare from Epsom to London. They state that I was
+detected travelling without a ticket. Ridiculous. I shall pay no
+attention to it."
+
+In the evening, however, as I started home from the City, I thought
+better. It would save trouble if I looked in at London Bridge.
+
+"You have come to pay?" said the chief clerk, as I showed him the
+note.
+
+"Indeed I have not," said I. "On the contrary the Company should
+refund me the difference between first and third-class fare."
+
+"Do you deny, then, that you travelled back from Epsom without a
+ticket?"
+
+"Indeed I do."
+
+"You will not deny, perhaps, that this is the card you handed the
+inspector with a promise to pay?"
+
+I took the proffered card. I could not deny it, for the card was mine.
+I turned it over. There, faintly legible on the back in pencil, was
+the hieroglyph that the bookie had scrawled on it.
+
+I explained to the clerk. I also explained to Selina when I got home.
+She, however, sticks to her original contention. She was not deceived.
+Fundamentally the man was honest. Only the expenses of his wife's long
+illness had caused him to deviate from the path of probity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+METHODIC MADNESS.
+
+(_By our Medical Correspondent._)
+
+The newspapers have recently devoted a certain amount of space to the
+American millionaire who, while confined in a psychopathic ward of a
+private lunatic asylum, by his clever financial manipulations added
+in the course of six weeks five hundred thousand pounds to a fortune
+"conservatively estimated at three million pounds." In spite of
+this achievement the misguided millionaire pleaded earnestly for his
+release. But the verdict of the New York Sheriffs' Court was adverse.
+The expert "alienists" admitted that he possessed an extraordinary
+memory and undoubted genius, but held that he was none the less
+insane. Accordingly he is to remain in the psychopathic ward to which
+he was consigned "at the request of his aged mother." A simple sum
+in addition establishes the fact that, if the patient maintains his
+present average, he will considerably more than double his fortune
+in a year. Yet none of the newspaper commentators have realised the
+tremendous possibilities underlying this achievement.
+
+We are threatened with national insolvency, and here is an infallible
+remedy ready to hand. Lord FISHER'S panacea for our discontents was to
+"sack the lot"--to dismiss all our rulers and administrators. But he
+had only a glimmering of the truth. Our cry should rather be, "Lock up
+the lot." Experience has taught us that if complete latitude is given
+to eccentrics and incompetents, if, in the words of Professor SODDY,
+F.R.S., the destinies of the country are entrusted to people of
+archaic mental outlook, the result is bound to be disastrous and
+chaotic. But if you treat them as lunatics, there is a strong
+presumption of their mending their ways and proving valuable factors
+in the economic reconstruction of the Empire and the world.
+
+Grave evils call for drastic treatment, and in view of the hectic
+condition of the Stock Exchange and the "vicious circle" round which
+industrialism is now unhappily revolving I cannot but think that the
+temporary seclusion of the Ministry in a psychopathic ward might be
+fraught with economic consequences of the utmost importance. Even if
+they were only able to reduce our indebtedness at the same rate as
+that attained by the American millionaire, their combined efforts
+would represent a magnificent total.
+
+Perhaps it would be wiser to proceed tentatively and not commit
+ourselves for more than six weeks to start with. It is just
+conceivable that the treatment might stimulate extravagance instead
+of economy. Financial thrombosis is not unknown as one of the obscurer
+forms of megalomania. Still, as I have said, the experiment is worth
+making.
+
+In other spheres of activity the results achieved are most
+encouraging. For example, an extremely _outre_ Cubist who was
+recently consigned to a psychopathic ward at the instigation of his
+grandmother, developed a remarkable talent for painting in the manner
+of MARCUS STONE; while a neo-Georgian composer under similar
+treatment has produced a series of _etudes_ indistinguishable from the
+pianoforte music of STERNDALE BENNETT, though he had previously
+far outstripped the most unbridled and exacerbated aberrations of
+SCRIABINE in his latest phase.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Commercial Candour.
+
+  "YE OLDE TEA HOUSE
+
+  (Opposite the Church).
+
+  HOME-MADE CAKES. ANTIQUES."
+
+  _Local Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TO BE SURE.
+
+    'Why do you call that performing poodle Sidius?'
+
+    'He's a dog star, ain't he now?'"
+
+    _Canadian Paper._
+
+Still we don't see it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE PROVISION MERCHANT.
+
+"CAN WE SUPPLY YOU WITH A CAR, SIR? CERTAINLY.
+
+THIS IS OUR 1920 TOURING MODEL--PROVISIONAL, OF COURSE.
+
+BY THE WAY, THE BODY, YOU SEE, IS ONLY A PROVISIONAL ONE.
+
+THE ENGINE DESIGN IS PURELY PROVISIONAL, YOU'LL UNDERSTAND--
+
+AND THE HORSEPOWER IS PROVISIONALLY FIXED AT 12-78.
+
+DELIVERY IS IN EIGHTEEN MONTHS--QUITE PROVISIONAL, THAT IS--
+
+AND THE PRICE WE PUT PROVISIONALLY AT L1,200.
+
+WE SHALL REQUIRE, OF COURSE, A DEPOSIT OF L600 BEFORE WE CAN
+PROVISIONALLY ACCEPT THE ORDER.
+
+I MAY ADD THAT A GUARANTEE GOES WITH EACH CAR--PROVISIONAL,
+NATURALLY--
+
+AND WE WILL PROVISIONALLY UNDERTAKE TO INFORM YOU OF ANY PROVISIONAL
+ALTERATIONS--
+
+THAT WE MAY MAKE IN OUR PROVISIONAL DESIGNS IF YOU APPLY TO OUR
+PROVISIONAL WORKS--
+
+--PROVIDED----NO, SIR, I CANNOT TELL YOU WHERE YOU CAN HIRE A
+PUSH-BIKE!!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"THE MYSTERY OF THE YELLOW ROOM."
+
+Gentlemen of the Press having been tactfully requested not to give
+away this awesome mystery, I am barred by the fastidious sense of
+honour which distinguishes our profession from spoiling your pleasure
+in this matter--a course which otherwise I should naturally have
+preferred.
+
+Not that I have any too clear idea of what it was all about or why an
+innocent gentleman should be apparently going to be guillotined for
+it. For there was no question of anyone having been murdered, the only
+tangible crime before the Court that I could see being the abstraction
+of some scientific papers. However don't imagine that this vagueness
+will deprive you of the pleasures of shock. Only don't go thinking
+about it. Remember _Rosamund_ and her Purple Jar.
+
+I think I am free to tell you that a young journalist possessing
+(characteristically) "fantastic humour and exuberant gaiety," a famous
+amateur detective to boot, outwits all the official police, robs the
+law of its prey and finds a long-lost mother for himself.
+
+If this doesn't excite you sufficiently you can extract fun from
+subsidiary details. It is always diverting to the unspoilt soul when
+the principal lady goes to turn up one lamp and the other promptly
+glows instead; or when, a particularly obvious and commonplace knock
+assaulting the ear, she exclaims in tragic accents, "There's someone
+at the door;" or when the detective drags from the bottom of the lake
+a pair of the driest of dry old boots.
+
+Or, if you are superior to this kind of thing, you can amuse yourself
+by deducing from the practice before you the famous _Rules for
+Revolvers_, which, _mutatis mutandis_, are as old as the Aristotelian
+unities and, for all I (or, probably, you) know to the contrary, were
+laid down at the same time by the same hand.
+
+_Rule 1._ "All Innocent Characters expecting murderous assault
+from Particularly Desperate Villains will provide themselves with
+revolvers. Before retiring for the tragic night they will, grasping
+the revolver firmly in the right hand, place it carefully (as
+Professor LEACOCK would direct) on the revolver-stand. The P.D.V.
+will then know what to do about it. (_Note_: P.D.V.'s do not carry
+revolvers. They don't need to.)
+
+_Rule 2._ "I.C.'s actually attacking P.D.V.'s will on no account fire,
+but, advancing stealthily, will offer their pistol-wrist to the enemy,
+who will at once lock it in a deathly grip. After a brief struggle,
+swaying this way and that, the P.D.V. will, on the word 'Four,' put on
+another beard and have the I.C. thrown into prison." And so forth.
+
+I have no serious fault to find with these tactics. On the contrary.
+But I rather think that in the first Act an incident was introduced
+(no doubt in the spirit of the little girl's explanation _a propos_ of
+her riddle, "That was just put in to make it more difficult"), which
+was not quite cricket as it is played by the best people in these
+stage shockers.
+
+But I am on dangerous grounds. Let me say that Mr. HANNAFORD BENNETT
+has been distinctly ingenious in his adaptation from M. GASTON
+LEROUX'S hectic feuilleton; that Miss SYBIL THORNDIKE put in a much
+finer quality of work than is usually supplied with this kind of
+heroine; that Miss DAISY MARKHAM as her friend played very gaily
+and prettily as long as the situation allowed it, and that Messrs.
+FRANKLIN DYALL, LEWIS CASSON, NICHOLAS HANNEN, ARTHUR PUSEY, MAJOR
+JONES, COLSTON MANSELL and the Prompter all did notable work.
+
+T.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Joseph Rouletabille_ (Mr. ARTHUR PUSEY) to _Frederic
+Larsan_ (Mr. FRANKLIN DYALL). "FATHER, I AM A JOURNALIST; I CANNOT
+TELL A LIE. YOU DID IT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Erudite Contemporaries.
+
+    "No doubt the inhabitants of the seaside resorts are duly
+    grateful as they turn their faces to the trippers and the sun.
+    Like Niobe, they are all smiles."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It certainly was a heavy swell, but the good ship 'Onward'
+    had, so to speak, got its sea legs, and so had the party
+    aboard; and although we rolled, it was a long steady roll
+    which in time became almost most enjoyable."
+
+    _Isle of Man Weekly Times._
+
+It is on occasions like these that the Manxman finds his third leg so
+useful.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CUTCHERY CATS.
+
+    [In order to check the depredations of mice and rats the
+    Government of India have directed the maintenance of cats in
+    every public office ("Cutchery"). Rations do not err on the
+    side of over-abundance, and the cats in consequence are not
+    always the most favourable specimens.]
+
+  What time five notes on the cutchery gong
+    The aged orderly rings,
+  And he who calleth the waiting throng
+    Striketh his work and sings,
+  There cometh a man with broken meats,
+  Cheerily calling, and him there greets
+  With wailing of souls that are tried too long,
+    A bevy of Fearsome Things.
+
+  Ribbed as railings and lank as rods,
+    Stark as the toddy trees,
+  Swarming as when from the bursting pods
+    Scatter the ripened peas,
+  Flaming pupil and naked claw,
+  Gaunt and desolate, maimed and raw,
+  Cats by courtesy, but, ye gods!
+    Never were cats like these.
+
+  Nay, of a verity these be souls
+    Such as in life were vile,
+  Risen again from the nethermost coals
+    To harry the earth a while;
+  Versed in wickedness, old in sin,
+  Never was hell could hold them in,
+  And back they hasten in droves and shoals
+    To desecrate and defile.
+
+  Here where the shadow of Ancient Lies
+    Falleth athwart the room,
+  Where the Angel of Evil Counsel plies
+    His chariot through the gloom,
+  Where the Lost Endeavours and Faded Hopes
+  Cluster like fruit in the mango-topes,
+  Here is the perfectest paradise
+    For the damned to work their doom.
+
+  And swear will I by the Cloven Hoof
+    And the name of the Manichees,
+  By the hair that riseth despite reproof
+    And the rebel veins that freeze,
+  That at night, when the graves give up their dead
+  And the thunder belloweth overhead,
+  You would not get me under this roof
+    For a lakh of the best rupees!
+
+     *     *     *     *     *
+
+  The Magistrate's risen and eke the Sub,
+    And bicycles homeward spin;
+  The clerks depart with a shrill hubbub
+    And the snores of the guard begin;
+  Ah, lock ye the strong-room sure and fast,
+  For the night draws down and the day is past;
+  Masters, I will away to the Club,
+    For the hour of the cats is in.
+
+  H. B.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Batsman._ "I DON'T WANT NONE OF YOUR UNDER'ANDS. BOWL
+ANOTHER AN' I TAKES THE BAT 'OME--SEE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+Although _Madeline of the Desert_ (UNWIN) is published in the First
+Novel series, it by no means follows that Mr. ARTHUR WEIGALL can be
+considered a beginner in authorship, his various activities already
+including some volumes on Egyptology that have made for him a wide
+circle of appreciative readers. You will therefore be correct in
+guessing that the Desert of the title is Egyptian; also that the story
+is one in which the setting and the local colour are treated with
+expert knowledge and an infectious enthusiasm. Of _Madeline_ herself I
+should say at once that nothing in her life, as shown here, became her
+like the beginning of it. Her entrance into the tale, arriving out of
+the desert to consult the recluse, _Father Gregory_, whose nephew
+she afterwards marries, does very strikingly achieve an effect of
+personality. _Madeline_ was a product of Port Said and, when we first
+meet her, an adventuress of international reputation, or lack of
+it. Then _Robin_ rescues, marries and educates her. It was the last
+process that started the trouble. _Madeline_ took to education more
+readily than a duck to water; and the worst of it was that she was by
+no means willing to keep the results and her conclusions therefrom to
+herself; indeed she developed the lecturing habit to an extent that
+almost (but not quite) ruined her charm. Mr. WEIGALL is so obviously
+sincere in all this that, though I cannot exonerate him from a charge
+of using _Madeline_ as the mouthpiece of his own sociological and
+religious views, I must acknowledge his good intentions, while
+deploring what seems to me an artistic error. But, all said, the book
+is very far from being ordinary; its quality in the portrayal both of
+place and character is of the richest promise for future stories,
+in which I hope the author will give us more pictures of the land he
+understands so well.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I certainly admit that the publishers of _The Strangeness of Noel
+Carton_ (JENKINS) have every justification for speaking of it as "a
+new note in a novel." Indeed that clever writer, Mr. WILLIAM CAINE,
+has here sounded as new, original and (for all its surface humour)
+horrible a note as any I have heard in fiction for some time. My
+trouble is that I can hardly indicate it without giving away the
+whole business. Very briefly the tale is of one _Noel Carton_, who has
+married beneath him for not quite enough money to gild a detestable
+union, and, being an unstable egoist and waster, presently seeks
+consolation (and pocket money) by writing a novel founded in part on
+his own position. One may note in passing that Mr. CAINE seems to have
+but a modest idea of the mental equipment required for such a task.
+Still I suppose he knows, and anyway that isn't the point. The point
+is that, once _Noel_ has got himself properly projected into his
+novel, all sorts of the queerest and most bogie coincidences begin to
+occur. Again to quote the puff preliminary, "as the book develops the
+reader has a suspicion which becomes almost a certainty, until the
+great and astounding climax is reached;" concerning which you may
+justly remark that no reader with a certainty would regard its
+verification as "astounding." But this takes nothing from the craft
+with which, on looking back, you see the climax to have been prepared.
+I could hardly call the tale altogether pleasant, but it is undeniably
+new and vastly original.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The good Sioux glories in his scalps, and Mr. ISAAC F. MARCOSSON,
+of Louisville, must surely be the Great Chief of interviewers.
+Interviewing, he tells us, is, after all, only a form of reporting,
+and so are history, poetry and romance. What, he asks, were MOMMSEN
+and GIBBON, WORDSWORTH and KEATS but reporters, and I can only answer,
+What indeed? To have been found worthy of tonsure by Mr. MARCOSSON it
+is necessary to be very eminent, and to win his highest praise it
+is essential also to be a good "imparter," though he has a kind of
+sneaking admiration for the paleface who insists on handing him a
+written statement and declines to speak. Such a one was Sir EDWARD
+CARSON. Hanging to Mr. MARCOSSON'S girdle are the _chevelures_ of
+Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, Lord HAIG, Marshal FOCH, Sir JAMES BARRIE and Mr.
+ROOSEVELT, to name no more. Naturally _Adventures in Interviewing_
+(LANE) is full of side-lights on the recent war. How could it be
+otherwise when so many celebrated brains are laid bare? One quotation
+I cannot refrain from giving. Speaking of Lord BEAVERBROOK he
+says, "He had come to London a decade ago, to live 'the life of a
+gentleman,' but was drawn irresistibly into politics." I challenge our
+literature to produce a more beautiful "but."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Miss EDITH DART has grouped against her Dartmoor setting in _Sareel_
+(PHILIP ALLAN) just the characters to act out the well-worn story of
+the mutual infatuation of a young man of birth and an ignorant country
+maid. But though _Sareel_, the little workhouse-reared servant at the
+farm, falls in love in the accepted fashion with the best-looking of
+the three young men who lodge there on a reading tour, and though he
+duly falls in love with her, the innocence of her soul keeps their
+passion on the highest plane. What is more, when _Alan_, as such young
+gentlemen in fiction generally do, changes his mind Miss DART provides
+a happy ending, without even a suicide to spoil it, and without
+inconsistency either in her own point of view or in that of her
+characters. I don't really believe that Devonshire people say that
+they like things "brave and well" quite as often as Miss DART makes
+hers, and I wish she had not so great a fondness for the word "such"
+that she must invent phrases as weird as "though he had not sought
+such" in order to bring it in; but apart from these trifles _Sareel_,
+as something like a feminine version of a book by Mr. EDEN PHILLPOTTS
+arranged for family reading, will certainly please a great many
+people.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If you would like to see a white lady ride on a white horse to Banbury
+Cross and elsewhere with a body-guard of men in tin hats, carrying
+_The Banner_ (COLLINS) and proclaiming the League of Youth (against
+war and other evils) and forcible retirement from all offices of
+profit or power under the Crown at the age of forty, get Mr. HUGH F.
+SPENDER'S new and, as it seems to me, rather ingenuous novel. Love is
+not neglected, for a peer's son, deaf and dumb through shell-shock,
+so responds to the counter-irritant of seeing this modern JOAN riding
+through Piccadilly that he recovers both speech and hearing and
+promptly uses them to put her a leading question and understand her
+version of "But this is so sudden. However----" There is a people's
+army; a rose-water revolution with the King accepting it as all in the
+day's dull work; a fight or rather an arming of a few last-ditchers
+of the old order, and much else that is not likely to happen outside
+Ruritania. Also candid expression of the opinions of (I take it) the
+"Wee Frees" concerning _Glamorgan Jones_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If Mr. ALAN GRAHAM does not unsettle my conviction that it is easier
+to begin a story of hidden treasure than it is to finish it, I can
+nevertheless promise you a good day with the sleuth-hounds, should you
+decide to _Follow the Little Pictures_ (BLACKWOOD). For some not
+too lucid reason I went to the meet with a fear in my heart that the
+command in the title referred to the "movies," and my relief was great
+on discovering that it was taken from a cipher containing the key to
+the treasure. The scene of this hunt is laid in Scotland, and the most
+notable figure among its followers is a certain _Laird Tanish_. The
+pecuniary fortunes of the _Tanish_ clan were at a low ebb, and in his
+determination to improve them by winning the prize the _Laird_ broke
+all the rules of the game and gave way to terrific outbursts of rage
+in the manner of those explosive gentlemen with whom Miss ETHEL DELL
+has familiarised us. There is both ingenuity and originality in
+this story, and I should be doing the author and his readers a great
+disservice if I disclosed the details of the plot. Anyone with a bent
+for treasure-hunting will be missing a fine opportunity if he refuses
+to have a day (or a night) with Mr. GRAHAM'S hounds.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mistress._ "NORAH, DO YOU EVER REPEAT ANYTHING YOU
+HEAR THE MASTER AND MYSELF SAY TO EACH OTHER WHEN WE HAVE A SLIGHT
+DIFFERENCE OF OPINION?"
+
+_Domestic._ "THE SAINTS FORBID, MUM!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Sympathetic Auditor.
+
+    "Dr. R. C. Ghostley, of Edmonton, was in the city last week
+    and attended Sir Oliver Lodge's lecture."--_Canadian Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "W. W. ----, the Rugby International forward, won his third
+    success in four days at Chesham Oddfellows' and Foresters'
+    sports yesterday, when he took first prize in the 10 yards
+    open event, with 7-1/2 yards start, in 9-2/5 sec."--_Daily
+    Paper._
+
+His strong point, we gather, is not speed but staying-power.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_A propos_ of the DE KEYSER case:--
+
+    "Unfortunately, the Dora regulations against free speech
+    and printing were never taken before the High Court, and our
+    ancestors will wonder at our timidity."--_Daily Herald._
+
+We understand that Sir A. CONAN DOYLE has already received several
+urgent messages on the subject.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+p. 438: Removed extraneous "'s" from "GASTON'S" ...
+        [M. GASTON LEROUX'S]
+
+p. 440: Changed "9 2-5" to "9-2/5" ...
+        [in 9-2/5 sec."--_Daily Paper_.]
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+158, June 2, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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