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diff --git a/31071.txt b/31071.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9954d86 --- /dev/null +++ b/31071.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2210 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158, +June 2, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 158, June 2, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: January 25, 2010 [EBook #31071] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net. + + + + + + * * * * * + +Punch, or the London Charivari + +Volume 158, Jan-Jul 1920 + +June 2, 1920 + + * * * * * + +CHARIVARIA. + +Some idea of the heat experienced in this country last week can be +deduced from the fact that several bricklayers were distinctly seen to +wipe their brows in their own time. + +*** + +It is all very well for LENIN to talk about Great Britain recognising +Russia, while his followers are doing their best to render the place +almost unrecognisable. + +*** + +Normally, says Dr. GEOFFREY KEYNES, a person has fifteen thousand +millions of blood corpuscles circulating in his body. People suffering +with insomnia might try counting them in bed. + +*** + +According to a scientific journal, tests recently made show that +microbes cannot live long on coins. "Middle Class" writes to say this +is nothing new to him, as no germ could live on his salary. + +*** + +The promoters of the Milk and Dairies Bill hope to ensure clean milk +for the public. They seem to have thought out an improvement on the +present system by which certain dairymen are in the habit of washing +their milk. + +*** + +It took nature several million years, says _The New York World_, +to make a ton of coal. It looks as if she has arranged to charge us +retrospectively by the hour for the stuff. + +*** + +A gold wedding-ring has been found inside a large doe rabbit which was +shot recently in a wheat-field near Wilbury. The question arises, "Do +modern rabbits go through the marriage ceremony?" + +*** + +The latest fad of the American golfer is to have a small painting made +of himself in the act of driving. We feel, however, that it will be +some time before English golfers will place orders for plaster casts +of their language. + +*** + +Nearly all the extra firemen required for the London Fire Brigade have +been engaged. Clients are assured that arrears of fires will now be +worked off with all speed. + +*** + +According to a daily paper a severe thunderstorm which recently +visited Luton was not heard by the audience in a local concert hall. +It is rumoured that a performer was at the time reciting a chapter of +Lord FISHER'S autobiography. + +*** + +A strike of incubator-makers is threatened and many grocers who stock +breakfast-eggs fear that a lot of chicks may come out in sympathy. + +*** + +According to an evening paper a young lady who was chased by a bull +in a provincial meadow ran a quarter of a mile and jumped a stream +sixteen feet wide before gaining safety. Not much of a jump, surely, +considering the long run she took. + +*** + +"Whilst motoring between Baldock and Grantham one is struck by the +greenness of the growing wheat and barley," states a writer in a motor +journal. The regularity with which these cereal grasses adopt this +colour is certainly worthy of attention. + +*** + +Our heart goes out to the American travellers who set foot on our +shores at Southampton one day last week just five minutes after +closing-time. + +*** + +In their recent match against Sussex the first four Middlesex batsmen +each scored a century. We understand that in order to obviate a +recurrence of this sort of thing a movement is on foot to increase the +number of runs in a century to a hundred and fifty. + +*** + +We are informed that "a man arrested by Dutch fishermen in the belief +that it was the CROWN PRINCE making his escape turned out to be a +notorious jewel thief." The error seems to have been excusable. + +*** + +The case of the dock labourer who appeared at a County Court in a +tail coat and white waistcoat is now explained. The man's valet, who +usually looks after these things for him, had gone on strike for more +wages. + +*** + +Charged with taking one hundred and forty-five pounds of his +employers' money a Newcastle office-boy was stated to have been +reading trashy novels. It was thought to be only fair to the financial +papers that the public should know where he got the idea from. + +*** + +"I reckon I can drink fifty pints a day, easy," a witness told the +Portsmouth magistrates. He may do it for a while, but sooner or later +his arm is bound to go back on him. + +*** + +"Under British guidance," says a contemporary, "Persia's future is +bright with promise." We know nothing of its future, but its present +seems to be scintillating with performance under Bolshevik direction. + +*** + +"Cave exploration," declares a writer in _The Daily Mail_, "is a most +fascinating sport." There is always the thrilling possibility that you +may find another Liberal principle hidden away somewhere. + +*** + +Owing to the increased cost of living it is said that burglars will +now only book jewel robberies of two thousand pounds and over. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CHAGRIN OF MEMBER OF ADVANCED ART GROUP AT NECESSITY OF +MAKING THE LETTERING OF HIS POSTER INTELLIGIBLE.] + + * * * * * + + +"NEW POLICY IN IRELAND. + + NO TRIALS WITHOUT ARRESTS." + + _Dublin Paper._ + +A good idea, but it was anticipated in the matter of jugged hare. + + + * * * * * + + "Register as a regular reader of _The Daily ----_, and you + at once disqualify for L3 a week during disablement."--_Daily + Paper._ + +We shall be careful not to register. + + * * * * * + +ODYSSEUS AT THE DERBY. + + [Racing men will not need to be reminded that Polumetis + (many-counselled) is named after a common epithet of the hero + of the _Odyssey_.] + + At times the pulse of memory is stirred + Out of a chronic state of coma + By just a poignant tune, a rhythmic word, + A whiff of some refined aroma, + And lo! the brain is made aware + Of records which it didn't know were there. + + So in a sudden moment I was shot + Back to my boyhood and the highly + Instructive works of HOMER, long forgot, + And with the late _Odysseus_ (wily) + Ploughed once again the wine-red deep + On drawing Polumetis in a sweep. + + Oh, "many-counselled" hero! if a horse + Your attributes may also borrow, + Lend him your cunning round the Derby course, + Teach him a thing or two to-morrow, + That at the end it may be said: + "He did a great performance with his head." + + As you contrived by tricks of crafty skill + Ever to down your foes and flatten 'em, + So may he lie low going up the hill, + Secure the inside berth at Tattenham, + And do a finish up the straight + Swift as your shafts that sealed the suitors' fate! + + Fortune attend his name, though some deplore + Its pedantry, and I assume it is + Likely, from what I know of bookies' lore, + That on the rails he'll be "Poloometis"; + For me, I do not care two pins + How they pronounce him, if he only wins. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +THE SERENE BATSMAN. + +It is a common fallacy among cricketing coaches and their pupils +that when the young batsman has mastered all the strokes that can be +imparted to him at the nets his education is complete. So far from +that being the case, it has barely begun. Under the prevailing system, +the psychological factor, the most important of all, is entirely +neglected. The most trying moment of a cricketer's life is when he +first steps forth alone from the pavilion of a public ground. In that +moment all that the old pro has taught him of cuts and drives, forward +play and back play, will not prevent his knees from weakening as he +totters to the wicket, whereas the following hints may enable him to +face the occasion with confidence if not contempt. + +Remember that for a public performer a good entrance is more than +half the battle; the first impression on the spectators is the most +lasting. + +Nothing looks worse than a batsman hurrying out at a furtive trot, as +if he were going to pawn his bat. When your turn comes to go in, take +care to be just within the regulation two minutes, but school yourself +to emerge from the pavilion at a leisurely stride with more than a +suspicion of swagger in it. The bat should not be carried as a +shy curate carries a shabby umbrella, but either boldly across the +shoulder, like a rifle, or tucked under the armpit, so that you may +do up your batting-gloves in your progress across the greensward. An +excellent effect will be produced if you pause half-way and execute +a few fancy strokes at an imaginary ball. Besides, you may not have +another opportunity of displaying your accomplishment. + +Having, as it were, reported yourself at the wicket, it is a good plan +to discover that you need a new batting-glove. This will afford you +an excuse for a return journey to the pavilion, during which your +gait will lose nothing in stateliness if you can manage to adopt the +goose-step. On your return to the wicket you will probably find, +if the weather is mild and the grass dry, that the fieldsmen +are reclining on the ground; it will enhance your reputation for +nonchalance and good-fellowship if you can contrive to give one of +them a playful pat with your bat in passing, especially if he is a +total stranger to you and much your senior. + +On your second arrival at the wicket, you might get the wicket-keeper +to take his gloves off and adjust the straps of your pads. This is one +of many subtle ways of demoralising the fielding side and whetting the +interest of the onlookers. + +After taking middle with such scrupulous exactitude as to imply that +you suspect the umpire's eyesight, take one of the bails and scratch a +block deep enough to plant something in. Then beckon to the square-leg +umpire to come and replace the bail. In this you will be strictly +within the law, and nobody can suspect you of the surreptitious use of +a little cobbler's wax. + +Your next move should be to summon the other batsman to a whispered +conference in the middle of the pitch. It doesn't much matter what you +say to him; a new funny story or the plot of a play you saw last week +will serve to make him assume an air of thoughtful attention. + +After a chat of about five minutes, you will return slowly to your +crease, there to scrutinise the slip fieldsmen, and then to gaze all +round the ground as if to make sure that the other side is not playing +more than eleven men. + +When taking your stance you will do well to give full effect to some +such mannerism as Mr. WARNER'S trick of hitching up the left side +of the trousers and tapping the ground seven times. And just as the +bowler is about to start his run you can disconcert him by suddenly +whipping round to see if they have moved another man over to the leg +side while your back was turned. + +As soon as the bowler has covered half his course to the wicket you +should raise your hand to arrest his career. Then you must stroll +about a third of the way up the pitch and give the ground a good +slapping with the face of your bat. + +If you feel so inclined, there is no reason why you should not repeat +this man[oe]uvre. Nothing is more calculated to upset a highly-strung +bowler. And when the ball does come down the chances are that it will +be a wide, in which case you will have earned one run for your side. +If, on the other hand, it should happen to knock your middle stump out +of the ground, there is nothing more to be done, but you will have the +satisfactory feeling that your little turn in the limelight has not +been utterly inglorious. + + * * * * * + +[Gothic: In Memoriam.] + +CECIL CLAY. + + Athlete and wit, whose genial tongue + Cheered and refreshed but never stung; + Maker of mirth and wholesome jokes; + Fit mate of dear ROSINA VOKES; + Creator, to our endless joy, + Of priceless _Arthur Pomeroy_-- + Light lie the earth above his head + Who lightened many a heart of lead; + Courteous and chivalrous and gay, + In very truth no common Clay. + + * * * * * + +We learn with regret of the death of Mr. A. CHANTREY CORBOULD, whose +work as a sporting artist was familiar to an earlier generation of +_Punch's_ readers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ENVOYS EXTRAORDINARY. + +PRIME MINISTER (_to Bolshevist Delegates._) "HAPPY TO SEE YOU, +GENTLEMEN. BUT WOULD YOU MIND GOING ROUND BY THE TRADESMEN'S ENTRANCE, +JUST FOR THE LOOK OF THE THING?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Shipwrecked Mariner._ "AHOY, MATES! WOT 'S WON T' +DERBY?"] + + * * * * * + + +THE RISE AND FALL OF AN AMATEUR EXAMINER. + +The Nabobs is, I suppose, one of the best girls' schools in England. +Anyhow it is perhaps the most exclusive unless you have money enough. +But, as the prospectus says, "it commands an extensive view of the +English Channel," and I suppose these things have to be paid for. At +all events there is no doubt that the principal, Miss Penn-Cushing, +has her heart in her work and is a splendid disciplinarian, and so I +sent my niece Mollie there to be finished (her mother being in India). + +I have an idea at times that it is Mollie who will finish Miss +Penn-Cushing, but I try to preserve a benevolent neutrality combined +with a regular supply of food parcels to my niece. + +Miss Penn-Cushing is LL.A. of one University and LL.B. of another, +and, I think, LL.C. of a third, so that she ought to be more than a +match for six Mollies. + +I have always had the impression that Miss Penn-Cushing regarded me as +a humble entomological specimen until the other day when she paid me a +staggering compliment. She herself teaches all the English literature +in her academy, and each class in turn goes up to her room to receive +its daily dose. Mollie says that when she grows up she is going to +give up English literature for ever and read something interesting. + +I am glad that the revered Principal is never present to hear Mollie's +blasphemies, at which I as an uncle have to shudder. Since the +publication of _The Cambridge History of English Literature_ Miss +Penn-Cushing has been steadily absorbing it, to help her in her daily +task, and has apparently reached the chapter in which is suitably +acknowledged the debt of English literature to _Punch_. + +So at least I judge, for she gave the girls a long serious talk on +humour in literature, how to detect it and what should be done about +it. One rather sensitive child began to cry, but Mollie, who has +never kept a secret in her life and in fact loves to drag her uncle's +skeletons out of cupboards, blurted out, "Uncle writes for _Punch_!" + +I was somewhat alarmed when I heard of this, for I did not know how +Miss Penn-Cushing, who keeps all the girls' uncles in order, might +take it. My fears were groundless, perhaps stupid, for the immediate +result was an invitation to examine Mollie's form in literature at the +forthcoming Christmas examination. I felt uplifted in spirit; I felt +that people were beginning to understand me. I even entertained an +hallucination that perhaps Mollie might now treat my intellect with +respect and stop calling me "Old dear." Three inches taller I sat down +to my desk and, thanking Miss Penn-Cushing for the honour paid me, I +promised I would do my best, although it would be my first appearance +in the _role_. + +I determined, however, not to allow this distinction to make me +overbearing to my inferiors at our next speech-day. I would be affable +to ordinary uncles, common parents and guardians of the other girls, +but I would lead the conversation artfully on to other literary +critics and examiners of the past. As a preparation I read up MATTHEW +ARNOLD. + +It is not easy to be an examiner, I found. I would rather write ten +leading articles than one examination-paper. It appeared that I had +to set themes for essays as well as questions in literature. We never +learnt literature when I was young and I didn't know you could, but I +borrowed a text-book from Mollie and did my best. + +The result was a crushing letter from the lady principal. She said +that "The Ten Points of a good Doll" seemed a preposterous subject +for senior students of literature to write about, and "My Favourite +Elopement in Fiction" would be outside the purview of any of her +girls. She would substitute instead (with my permission), "The Debt of +Literature (as well as Science) to DARWIN" and "My Favourite Piece of +Epic Poetry." In fine, if I did not really mind, she would herself set +all the questions and I should examine the answers. She thought that +the more fructiferous course. + +How to mark was my chief difficulty. How many marks should one give a +darling with brown eyes and a musical laugh (Mollie has brought her to +tea often) who signs herself "Norah O'Brien," and winds up delightful +irrelevances about DARWIN and her abhorrence of reptiles with a +personal appeal to the examiner. I do not know what other examiners do +in such cases. It was a beautifully worded and most respectful appeal. +I decided to give her forty for Norah and forty for O'Brien. Both +names have always appealed to me. + +This made it necessary for me to give eighty marks to her sister +Kathleen, who wrote really an excellent essay on a subject we had +stupidly forgotten to set. It was an excellent subject, and she has +even browner eyes than Norah, but as an examiner one must be rigid and +impartial. + +Eunice came next. This name recalled dear memories of the past and of +what might have been. But as an examiner I could not let old dreams +weigh down my impartial scales, so I refused to give her more than +eighty. Finally, for they are really charming girls and know far more +about literature than I do, I gave eighty to everybody except Mollie, +and for being Mollie I gave her eighty-two. + +I forgot. There was one perfectly horrid little girl called Katie de +Pinnock. She never shared her chocolates with anyone; the fact was +notorious. She wrote in a copperplate hand sentiments like +these: "MILTON awes me; SHELLEY thrills me; BLAKE, the prophet of +self-sacrifice, is ever my consolation and my guide. I ask for nothing +beyond." I gave her nineteen. + +And now comes the tragedy. Miss Penn-Cushing's letter of thanks +was icy. She feared I had been "a thought nepotic," and (with my +permission) she would revise my marks. + +She dealt me the final blow at our Speech-Day. "I have decided," she +gave out, "to award the first prize in Literature to Miss Katie de +Pinnock. I am sure, though, that you will not be surprised to hear +that Mr. Marcus O'Reilly, our examiner, was so impressed with the +literary excellence of all your papers that he has presented the whole +class with consolation prizes. We tender him our heartiest thanks." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Farmer._ "EH, LUCY, THESE MOVING STAIRS DO BE VINE +THINGS VOR SAVING VOLK'S TIME."] + + * * * * * + +Commercial Candour. + +Extract from a Canadian business-circular:-- + + "What intelligent car owners have been looking for is a tire + that will give them a minimum amount of service for a maximum + amount of expenditure. You can get that tire from us." + + * * * * * + +"THE MASSACRE OF THE INNOCENTS. + +BY THE RT. HON. C. F. G. MASTERMAN. + + 'Die, thou children of stormy dawn,' cries the Prime + Minister to-day, as he stamps out the life of his little land + taxes."--_Daily News._ + +According to his critic Mr. LLOYD GEORGE seems to have done great +violence to his syntax as well as to his little land taxes. + + * * * * * + + "The bride, a tall brunette, looked a vision of golden + beauty as she advanced up the aisle on the arm of her + father."--_Evening Paper._ + +We do not think that this was the right occasion for an exposure of +feminine camouflage. + + * * * * * + +THE ART OF POETRY. + +I. + +Many people have said to me, "I wish I could write poems. I often try, +but----" They mean, I gather, that the impulse, the creative itch, +is in them, but they don't know how to satisfy it. My own position is +that I know how to write poetry, but I can't be bothered. I have not +got the itch. The least I can do, however, is to try to help those who +have. + +A mistake commonly committed by novices is to make up their minds what +it is they are going to say before they begin. This is superfluous +effort, tending to cramp the style. It is permissible, if not +essential, to select a _subject_--say, MUD--but any detailed argument +or plan which may restrict the free development of metre and rhyme (if +any) is to be discouraged. + +With that understanding, let us now write a poem about MUD. + +I should begin in this sort of way:-- + + Mud, mud, + Nothing but mud, + O my God! + +It will be seen at once that we are not going to have much rhyme in +this poem; or if we do we shall very soon be compelled to strike a +sinister note, because almost the only rhymes to _mud_ are _blood_ and +_flood_; while, as the authors of our hymns have discovered, there +are very few satisfactory rhymes to _God_. They shamefully evaded the +difficulty by using words like _road_, but in first-class poetry one +cannot do that. On the whole, therefore, this poem had better be _vers +libre_. That will take much less time and be more dramatic, without +plunging us into a flood of blood or anything drastic like that. We +now go on with a little descriptive business:-- + + Into the sunset, swallowing up the sun, + Crawling, creeping, + The naked flats---- + +Now there ought to be a verb. That is the worst of _vers libre_; one +gets carried away by beautiful phrases and is brought up suddenly by +a complete absence of verbs. However at a pinch one can do without a +verb; that is the best of _vers libre_:-- + + Amber and gold, + Deep-stained in mystery + And the colours of mystery, + Inapprehensible, + Golden like wet-gold, + Amber like a woman of Arabia + That has in her breast + The forsaken treasures of old Time, + Love and Destruction, + Oblivion and Decay, + And bully-beef tins, + Tin upon tin, + Old boots, and bottles that hold no more + Their richness in them. + And I---- + +We might do a good deal more of this descriptive business, bringing in +something about dead bodies, mud of course being full of dead bodies. +But we had better get on. We strike now the personal note:-- + + And I, + I too am no more than a bottle, + An empty bottle, + Heaving helpless on the mud of life, + Without a label and without a cork, + Empty I am, yet no man troubles + To return me. + And why? + Because there is not sixpence on me. + Bah! + The sun goes down in the West + (Or is it the East?) + But I remain here, + Drifting empty under the night, + Drifting---- + +When one is well away with this part of the poem it is almost +impossible to stop. When you are writing in metre you come eventually +to the eighth line of the last verse and you have to stop; but in +_vers libre_ you have no assistance of that kind. This particular poem +is being written for instructional purposes in a journal of limited +capacity, so it will probably have to stop fairly soon; but in +practice it would go on for a long time yet. In any case, however, it +would end in the same way, like this:-- + + Mud, mud, + Nothing but mud, + O, my God! + +That reasserts, you see, in a striking manner, the original _motif_, +and somehow expresses in a few words the poignant melancholy of the +whole poem. Another advantage in finishing a long poem, such as this +would be, in the same way as you began it is that it makes it clear +to the reader that he is still reading the same poem. Sometimes, and +especially in _vers libre_ of an emotional and digressive character, +the reader has a hideous fear that he has turned over two pages and +got into another poem altogether. This little trick reassures him; +and if you are writing _vers libre_ you must not lose any legitimate +opportunity of reassuring the reader. + +To treat the same theme in metre and rhyme will be a much more +difficult matter. The great thing will be to avoid getting _mud_ at +the end of a line, for the reasons already given. We had better have +long ten-syllable lines, and we had better have four of them in each +verse. GRAY wrote an elegy in that metre which has given general +satisfaction. We will begin:-- + + As I came down through Chintonbury Hole + The tide rolled out from Wurzel to the sea. + +In a serious poem of this kind it is essential to establish a locality +atmosphere at once; therefore one mentions a few places by name to +show that one has been there. If the reader has been there too he will +like the poem, and if he hasn't no harm is done. The only thing is +that locally Chintonbury is probably pronounced Chun'bury, in which +case it will not scan. One cannot be too careful about that sort of +thing. However, as an illustration Chintonbury will serve. + +It is now necessary to show somehow in this verse that the poem is +about mud; it is also necessary to organise a rhyme for 'Hole' and a +rhyme for 'sea,' and of the two this is the more important. I shall do +it like this:-- + + And like the unclothed levels of my soul + The yellow mud lay mourning nakedly. + +There is a good deal to be said against these two lines. For one thing +I am not sure that the mud ought to be yellow; it will remind people +of Covent Garden Tube Station, and no one wants to be reminded of +that. However, it does suggest the inexpressible biliousness of the +theme. + +I think "levels" is a little weak. It is a good poetical word and +doesn't mean anything in particular; but we have too many words of +that kind in this verse. "Deserts" would do, except that deserts and +mud don't go very well together. However, that sort of point must be +left to the individual writer. + +At first sight the student may think that "naked_ly_" is not a good +rhyme for "sea." Nor is it. If you do that kind of thing in comic +poetry no editor will give you money. But in serious poetry it is +quite legitimate; in fact it is rather encouraged. That is why serious +poetry is so much easier than comic poetry. In my next lecture I shall +deal with comic poetry. + +I don't think I shall finish this poem now. The fact is, I am not +feeling so inspired as I was. It is very hot. Besides, I have got +hay-fever and keep on sneezing. Constant sneezing knocks all the +inspiration out of a man. At the same time a tendency to hay-fever is +a sign of intellect and culture, and all the great poets were martyrs +to it. That is why none of them grew very lyrical about hay. Corn +excited them a good deal, and even straw, but hay hardly ever. + +So the student must finish this poem as best he can, and I shall be +glad to consider and criticise what he does, though I may say at +once that there will be no prize. It ought to go on for another eight +verses or so, though that is not essential in these days, for if it +simply won't go on it can just stop in the middle. Only then it must +be headed "MUD: A Fragment." + +And in any case, in the bottom left-hand corner, the student must +write: _Chintonbury, May 28th, 1920._ + +A. P. H. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + +WHAT OUR PROFITEER'S BUTLER (WHO WAS TAKEN ON WITH THE HOUSE AND +FURNITURE) HAS TO PUT UP WITH:--MASTER'S RELATIONS.] + + * * * * * + +ELIZABETH'S TIP FOR THE DERBY. + +"Talkin' o' the Derby," began Elizabeth. + +As a matter of fact I was not talking of the Derby or even thinking of +it at the moment. I had just been telling Elizabeth that the omelette +which she had served us at dinner was leathery, and her remark struck +me as irrelevant. + +"Master thinks the omelettes would be lighter if you fried them in +more butter," I continued. Of course Master had thought nothing of the +kind. But nowadays complaints must be conveyed to domestics in this +indirect way. + +Elizabeth ignored the omelette. "I'm goin' to win fifty pounds at +least," she exclaimed, and in her excitement broke the cup she held--I +mean to say the cup came in two in her hand as she spoke. "I've got a +bit on an 'orse for the Derby." + +I felt slightly shocked. It is always surprising to discover a latent +sporting instinct in one's domestics, unless they are highly placed +and dignified domestics like butlers or head-footmen; but in a +cook-general it seems peculiarly low. + +"I shouldn't bet if I were you," I advised; "I think--er--_Master_ +thinks," I added involuntarily--"that you might lose money at it." + +"But I'm goin' to _win_ money this time," announced Elizabeth +triumphantly; "my young man ses so, and 'e knows." + +"Which young man?" I inquired. + +Elizabeth, I ought perhaps to explain, is uncertain about her young +men. She never has any lack of them; but they are like ships that pass +in the night (her night out as a rule) and one by one they drift off, +never stopping to cast anchor in her vicinity. You know what I mean. +Elizabeth can't _keep_ a young man. Perhaps she lacks the charm which +BARRIE describes as "a sort of a bloom on a woman." Or if she has any +of that bloom it must be swamped in the moist oleaginous atmosphere of +washing-up which seems to cling permanently about her. + +"It's a new young man," said Elizabeth in answer to my question, "an' +'e's got work in a racin' stable, so that's 'ow 'e knows wot's goin' +to win. It'll be an outsider, 'e ses, which makes it all the better +for me." + +"All the better for you?" + +"Yes, 'm. You see, the more you puts on the more you wins." + +Elizabeth may not have charm but she certainly has simplicity. "You +don't mean to say," I cried, a light breaking on me, "that you got +your next month's wages in advance just to put it all on a horse?" + +"That I did," she replied complacently. "You see, my young man ses +that, if you put it on some time before'and, you get a better price, +so I thort I'd give it to 'im to put on at once. 'E promised 'e +wouldn't waste a minnit over it." + +"But this is most foolish of you--to trust your money to an entire +stranger," I expostulated. + +"'E isn't a stranger--'e's my young man," corrected Elizabeth, tossing +her head. + +For the following few days she was radiant--but then anybody would be +who was certain of the winner of the Derby a week before the race. +In addition to this she had got a young man. Those brief periods +when Elizabeth's young men are in the incipient stages of paying her +attention are agreeable to everybody. Elizabeth, feeling no doubt in +her rough untutored way that God's in His heaven and all's right with +the world, sings at her work; she shows extraordinary activity when +going about her duties. She does unusual things like remembering to +polish the brasses every week--indeed you have only to step into the +hall and glance at the stair-rods to discover the exact stage of her +latest "affair." I remember that, when one ardent swain "in the flying +corpse" went to the length of offering her marriage before he flew +away, she cleaned the entire house down in her enthusiasm, and had +actually got to the cellars before he vanished out of her life. + +The follower from the racing stable might aptly be described as "The +Man Who Never Came Back." He romped out of Elizabeth's existence on +the Sunday preceding the Derby. + +"I waited for 'im four-an'-an-'arf 'ours, an' 'e didn't turn up," she +informed me next day. + +"Perhaps he was prevented from keeping the appointment," I suggested +to comfort her, though I felt the outlook was gloomy. + +She shook her head. "I'll never see 'im no more. I _know_ 'em," she +said, drawing on the depth of her experience of young men who do the +vanishing trick. "An' my money gone too. It's 'eartbreakin'. But I +might 'ave known that that there 'orse was a bad sign." + +"What horse?" I asked, bewildered. + +"The one 'e told me to put my money on. The name alone ought to have +set me agen it; it was too true to life." + +"And what was the name of the horse?" I inquired as she drifted +dismally to the door. + +"'E Goes," said Elizabeth mournfully. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "TRY 'IM WIV A WORM, GUV'NOR!"] + + * * * * * + +THINGS NOT GENERALLY KNOWN. + +(_By our Lunatic Contributor._) + + That the notorious KING BELSHAZZAR + Was noted as the earliest Jazzer; + That, on the contrary, ZERUBBABEL + Was most exclusive and unclubbable; + That ROMULUS and brother REMUS + Were not so tall as Polyphemus; + That the one weakness of Calypso + Was what is briefly known as "dipso;" + That CLODIUS, very long ago, + First bore the nickname of "Old Clo;" + That the illustrious PALESTRINA + Did not invent the concertina; + That WAGNER'S methods in _Tannhaeuser_ + Never appealed to _Mrs. Poyser_; + That the Albanian PRENK BIB DODA + Prefers his whisky _minus_ soda; + That good Professor FLINDERS PETRIE + Did not discover SACHA GUITRY. + + * * * * * + +Our Journalistic Sleuths. + + "The circumstances under which the deceased came by his + death are shrouded in mystery. From the gun shot wounds it + is surmised that he either shot himself or somebody had shot + him."--_Indian Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "Would Persons present in Restaurant in Shiprow on Saturday + Night, when dispute arose with regard to sixpence, please + communicate with No. 798 Express Office?" + + _Scotch Paper._ + +Who heard the bang? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: [Week-end hostesses are now giving "Lend-a-hand" +parties, at which every guest is expected to do some household +service.] + +_Wife._ "I'M ASKING DOLLY DITCHWATER THIS WEEK-END. BIT DULL, BUT SHE +DOESN'T DROP THE CHINA." + +_Husband._ "DON'T FORGET BERTIE BUNT. BIT OF A BOUNDER, BUT HE'S AN +ACE AT CLEANING BOOTS."] + + * * * * * + +AMERICA AGAIN. + +A situation of extreme international delicacy has recently arisen. +We understand, with regard to the impending strike of Italian +organ-grinders and ice-cream merchants in the Metropolis, that Signori +Rimbombo Furioso and Fagiuolo Antico, representing the Amalgamated +Society of Itinerant Instrumentalists and the National Union of +Refrigerated Tuck Sellers, have lately been invited to a conference +with Dr. MACNAMARA, and their economic grievances are now under +the consideration of the MINISTER OF LABOUR. These, briefly, are as +follows: + +(1) The high price of sugar. + +(2) Restricted hours and insufficient emoluments. + +(3) Undue interference by the police. + +(4) Inadequate supplies of monkey nuts. + +It now appears that in order to make a bid for the large Italian vote +in the forthcoming Presidential elections in the U.S.A. a violent +anti-British propaganda campaign is raging on the other side of the +Atlantic, and that an enormous amount of spurious sympathy is being +manufactured on behalf of the purveyors of rotary music and frozen +confectionery in Soho. Beautiful Italian girls are daily besieging the +British Embassy at Washington with placards bearing such inscriptions +as-- + + SHOULD HOKEY POKEY SUFFER? + + ENGLAND COERCES HER TRAVELLING ORGANISTS. + + AMERICANS! HELP THE DUMB APE! + +The agitation is the more uncalled for since, as a matter of fact, +both Signor Furioso and Signor Antico, like most of their compatriots +in this country, are pronounced Irredentists and filled with +aspirations for a larger Italy, so that they have little or nothing in +common with anti-Imperialistic America. Nevertheless, so bitter is +the feeling which has been aroused that large subsidies are being sent +overseas and Black Hand gangs organised to resist the London police. +All over the outer suburbs organ-grinders are refusing to move on, +and insist on playing well into the early hours of the morning. +Deleterious substances of an explosive nature are being mingled with +the ice cream, or else it is being supplied in such a watery condition +that it is impossible for customers to lick it out of the receptacle +without ruining their shirt fronts and waistcoats. Monkeys are being +trained to give violent manifestations of ferocity, and, should the +present heat-wave continue, rabies is anticipated. + +The latest development is a rumoured suggestion from the U.S.A. +Government that a representative should be sent over to take part +in the Conference, and the names of Mr. JOE DEMPSEY and Mr. CHARLES +CHAPLIN have been put forward as possible mediators. + +V. + + * * * * * + + "All is not plane sailing yet for the German in search of + foreign markets."--_Evening Paper._ + +But wait till their flying bagmen get to work. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Hairdresser in Ancient Assyria._ "DON'T GO, SIR. I +SHALL BE FINISHED WITH THIS NOBLEMAN IN THREE OR FOUR HOURS."] + + * * * * * + +PRACTICAL ZOOLOGY. + +There is nothing which distinguishes your true Briton so much as the +systematic study of the ways of wild animals, and there is no kind of +instruction which an English child so eagerly accepts. + +"The addax or Nubian antelope," how frequently one may hear a father +say to his small son in the schoolroom, "has horns very similar to +those of the Indian antelope, but is a larger animal." "Yes, father," +responds the boy brightly, "it has a tuft of long hair on the forehead +and large broad hoofs, adapted for treading on fine and loose sands." + +But it is easier perhaps to make these nice points in natural +history in the comparative calm of the home than in the more frenzied +atmosphere that reigns in the Zoological Gardens themselves. It is +for that reason that I have put together the few notes which follow, +hoping that they may assist the reader to adopt a definite system in +dealing with this great national institution and educate the young +mind on a reasoned and scientific plan. + +Take the order of visiting the cages first. I do not complain of +your natural wish to begin with the giraffe, because it has such an +absurdly long neck and may possibly mistake Pamela's straw-hat for a +bunch of hay and try to eat it, and because you will be able to see +the hippopotamus on the way. As a matter of fact you will find that +the giraffe is not standing near the bars at all, but close to its +stable, where it is mincing and bridling exactly like a lady in a +Victorian novel, and as for the hippopotamus you cannot see the +pretty pink part of him because he is giving his famous imitation of +a submarine. But never mind that. Your difficulty now will be, "What +shall we do next?" and in order to assist you I have constructed a +logical order for visiting the various cages. Here it is:-- + + 1. The lions, because you can hear them already roaring most + horribly fiercely. + + 2. The sea-lions, because they are saying "Ock, ock." + + 3. The lions, because the tiger may be roaring too this time. + + 4. The Elephant House. No, Pamela, I don't know why he is + swaying about like that. + + 5. The lions, because Tony did not really see the black + panther, which was asleep in one corner of its cage. + + 6. The Monkey House. I suppose we _must_. + + 7. The lions, to wait there till they are fed. + +The only trouble about this order is that you may not have much time +to visit the Mappin Terraces, and it is of course very important that +you should go there because of the bears. The bears by rights should +be fed on umbrellas, because they suck the stick and the ribs of the +frame for all the world as if they were pieces of asparagus, and tear +the silk part very carefully into tiny little shreds. But umbrellas +are very expensive just now and the keeper does not think they are +very good for the bears either. It is better to give them oranges, but +oranges are expensive too, so you must make quite certain that you do +not waste them on the grizzlies which are not on the Mappin Terraces +at all. It is no use giving an orange to a grizzly bear, because it +goes down with one quick motion, like the red into the right-hand top +pocket. But if you give it to one of the Himalayan bears he opens it +and scoops out all the inside and guzzles it up and then sits down and +licks his paws exactly like a Christian, and while he is doing that +the other Himalayan bear comes up and is so annoyed at not having an +orange too that he lies down and groans with rage and flaps himself +with his paws. So you have to get another orange. + +Another thing that you have missed all this time and ought to see if +possible is the Antelope House, where the telephone is. I don't know why +the antelopes want a telephone more than all the other animals, but +they do. Of course if they knew how bad the telephone is they would +realise that with their long legs they could get there and back again +in much quicker time than it takes to get a call through. + +And then there are the Small Birds. It is not known to everybody, +least of all, I think, to poets, that the nightingale sings best of +all in a cage in broad daylight and amongst a lot of other birds, +all twittering away like anything. We should like to take Mr. ROBERT +BRIDGES to the Small Birds' House. We should like to take Mr. ROBERT +SMILLIE there too, and introduce him to the bird just underneath the +nightingale, which is called the Talking Mynah. + +But you are not very much interested in coal or poetry, and will +probably like the Sugar Birds best, for, if there is anything more +delightful than being a bird, especially a tiny little bird, blue or +green underneath, it must be living on sugar and having grapes stuck +in the bars of your cage. + +The snakes of course are slimy sort of creatures and their house is +a long way off, and, though we fully agree with you that the monkeys +were just like real persons, we think we really ought to be starting +home now. + +No, there is no time to see the lions again.... + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A DARK HORSE. + +PROFITEER. "'ECONOMY'? NEVER HEARD THE NAME. LOOKS AS IF HE MIGHT +SPOIL MY BOOK, THOUGH."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NICETIES OF CLOTHES ECONOMY. + +"GOOD LORD! THAT FELLOW'S ACTUALLY HAD HIS OVERALLS _PATCHED_!" + +"DARNED LITTLE FOP."] + + * * * * * + +THE CAP THAT FITS. + +"Gerald, dear," said my wife the other evening, "I wish you'd write +and order some more notepaper; we've hardly any left." + +"All right, Margaret. What sort do you want? The last lot was +beastly--too thick to make into spills and not large enough for +drawing up the fire." + +"Well, here's a list of the different kinds they have in stock at +Jones and Robinson's." + +I took it from her and glanced through it. "What do you say to 'Cream +Laid,' Margaret? I like the sound of that. It will make me feel so +nice and cool in the hot weather to think of the rows of fresh-faced +country girls, in their spotless white overalls, pouring the cream +delicately over the paper. I wonder how they get it to stop exactly at +the edge?" + +"It wants a very cool head and steady hand, I expect," said Margaret; +"they'd all be picked cream-layers, of course. But how would you like +'thick hand-made paper with deckle edges'? What are deckle edges, I +wonder; and how is paper hand-made?" + +"Rather like treading grapes, I fancy, only that's done by foot. I +mean they smash up the pulp with a very heavy pestle in a huge----" + +"Mortar!" cried Margaret triumphantly. + +"Yes; but am I telling this story or are you? Well, and then they put +it through a mangle----" + +"Wurzel," said Margaret. + +"Wrong--just a mangle, and roll it out flat, after which they deckle +the edges." + +"But how do they do that, Gerald?" + +"Oh, they just call in the edge-deckler and say, 'See to 't that yon +edges be deckled ere set o' sun,' and he sees to 't. His is a most +important post, I believe." + +Margaret came and sat on a tuffet by my chair. + +"Sorry about wurzel," she said. "Now tell me all about machine-made +paper, there's a dear. It will be so nice to be able to explain all +this to Nat when he's older." + +"Paper-making by machinery, my dear," I said graciously, "is a most +complicated process. I won't puzzle you with all the details, but +roughly the idea is to pulp up the--er--rags and so on in a huge +sort of--er--bowl, and then to roll it out thin in the rolling-out +machine." + +Margaret thought this over. "It sounds just the same as the +hand-made," she said. + +"Oh, _no_," I said quickly; "it's all done by _machinery_, you see. +Pistons and rollers and--er--mechanical edge-decklers and so on." + +"And what does 'Linen Wove' mean?" + +"They employ people to thread the paper with linen threads, my dear. +A very delicate performance; that's why Linen Wove is so expensive. +Azure Wove is, of course, done with blue flaxen threads. Silurian Bond +is made by a fellowship of geologists, and for Chelsea Bank they have +a factory on the bank of the Thames at Cheyne Walk. That's all I need +tell you, though I know a lot more." + +"I never realised before how awfully interesting paper-making could +be," said Margaret gratefully. "Write and order me a good supply +of Chelsea Cream Wove, will you, dear? Oh, and some other kind for +yourself, to write your stories on. Don't forget." + +"Very well; Chelsea Cream Wove for you. And what shall I have?" + +Margaret's mouth twitched a little. + +"Foolscap, I think, dear," she said. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Sandy (viewing doctor's bill)._ "BUT THE BILL IS NO +RICHT, SIR. YE'VE CHARGED ME FOR SEVEN DAYS INSTEAD O' SIX. DINNA YE +MIND I WAS DELEERIOUS ONE DAY AN' WAS NOT AWEER OF YOUR PRESENCE?"] + + * * * * * + +ANALGESIA. + +(_With Mr. Punch's best wishes for the speedy recovery of the French +PRESIDENT._) + + ["President Deschanel ... was compelled to take several + analgesia cachets. (Analgesia is a condition in which there is + incapacity of feeling pain)."]--_Evening Paper._ + + When, haply through excess of cake, + In childhood's days of fun and frolic, + I suffered from that local ache + Known to the Faculty as colic; + + Or if across the foam I fared + And was (invariably) sea-sick, + How much distress had I been spared + Just by a simple analgesic. + + In the Headmaster's awesome den, + His cane poised o'er me palely bending, + A lozenge deftly swallowed then + Had eased the smart of its descending. + + Thus might I have indulged in "rags," + Immune from every sore corrective, + Nor need I then have stuffed my bags + With notebooks, often ineffective. + + Henceforth, in any sort of fuss-- + Life's little incidental dramas, + As when one boards a motor-bus + Or leaps from trains in one's pyjamas-- + + I'll take a tabloid. DESCHANEL! + So much to me your agile feat meant; + _L'exemple presidentiel_ + Lends quite a _cachet_ to the treatment. + + * * * * * + + "59 ACCIDENTS IN 5 YEARS. + + PROPOSED ROAD WIDENING TO INCLUDE CEMETERY CORNER." + + _Evening Paper._ + +The only alternative would appear to be to enlarge the cemetery. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SO YOU ABSENTED YOURSELF WITHOUT LEAVE, AND WENT TO +EPSOM. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY?" + +"THAT IT WAS WORTH IT, SIR, EVEN IF IT DO MEAN THE LOSS OF MY +PENSION."] + + * * * * * + +AN ERROR OF JUDGMENT AT EPSOM. + +I am not attending the Derby this year. Nor was it my original +intention to go last year, but since my beneficent employers, unasked, +offered me a day off, Selina insisted we ought to go. It was a +national institution, a sight everyone should see once in a lifetime, +and so forth. I protested it was an extravagance; that to be married +was really more than we could afford, let alone race-meetings. But +Selina was firm. She would pay, if necessary, out of the house-keeping +money. Besides it need cost nothing. We might win enough money to +cover our expenses. + +Thus the idea of betting was introduced. Gambling in all forms is +against my principles; and how I came to give in on the point I +scarcely know. From the way Selina argued one might have supposed that +a bet on the Derby was a prudent investment, something in the nature +of a life-insurance which no careful husband would neglect to make. +So I yielded, merely stipulating that our stake was not to exceed one +pound: and this amount fortunately satisfied Selina's conception of +recklessness. + +So upon the appointed day we found ourselves at the famous Heath, +or is it the Downs? The selection of a horse to bear our fortunes to +victory was not made without anxious debate, since Selina's choice was +based upon the colour scheme of the jockey's coats, and mine on the +romantic associations of the animals' names. In the end we compromised +on a horse called Grand Parade. + +Next, equally momentous, we selected a bookmaker who was to oblige us +by opposing our fancy at the most advantageous rate. I was in favour +of picking a man whose abundance of chin and paunch would, should he +default, prevent his attaining more than four miles an hour on the +flat. I had already discovered one that answered this description. He +was soliciting clients in a voice that made one think a vulture might +be rending his liver. Selina, who pretends to read character from +faces, declared his eyes were too close together for those of an +honest man. She had singled out a more suitable individual, and she +indicated to me a slender gentlemanly man dressed in a grey frock-coat +with a tall hat of the same colour just pathetically beginning to grow +shabby. He also invited custom, but in a refined, almost confidential +tone which, in comparison with the braying of his rival, resembled +the cooing of a dove. His features, which to me denoted weakness of +character, Selina asserted to be those of an honourable man struggling +with adversity. It was to support an ailing wife, she felt sure, that +he toiled at his uncongenial vocation. I should have liked to explain, +though I knew it was useless, that our object in dealing with him +was not to contribute to the support of his wife; that our success, +indeed, might mean that the unhappy lady would be deprived for many +a week to come of those little delicacies that are essential to the +comfort of an invalid. + +Against my better judgment I gave in and our little stake was +deposited in his hands. I almost felt inclined to apologize for +its smallness, but his courtesy in accepting it rendered excuses +unnecessary. Nevertheless I should have preferred, when taking up a +position to view the race, to have chosen a spot from which we could +at the same time have kept an eye on his gentlemanly tall hat. Selina +however poohpoohed the idea. We therefore walked some little distance +to a point on the hill whence, some ten minutes later, we had the +satisfaction of seeing Grand Parade gallop home a winner. + +In the moment of triumph I had almost forgotten my apprehensions as to +our bookmaker. Selina however had not, for, as we caught sight of +his elegant grey-clad figure on our return, she could not resist +exclaiming, "See how wrong your suspicions were." + +The crowd, set loose after the tension of the race, impeded our +progress, so that by the time we reached him he was alone. Apparently +he had paid off all the other winners, and we were the last claimants +to arrive. + +"Ah, I was waiting for you," he said in his easy well-bred fashion. +"You will think it very strange, perhaps, but for the moment I am +unable to pay you. Most absurd. My losses have been rather more than I +calculated, and I have unfortunately disbursed all my available cash. +You need be under no apprehension, however; if you will kindly give me +your address you shall have a cheque by the first post to-morrow." + +I tried to recall what one did to welshers. I seemed to remember that +one raised a hue-and-cry, that one tarred and feathered them, and rode +them on a rail to a pond. I am, however, constitutionally timid +about making my voice heard in public, and I was as short of tar and +feathers as he was of ready cash. I had therefore no alternative but +to draw out my pocket-case and present him with a card. + +"Ah, thanks," he said, and with a neat little silver pencil he +scribbled on the back a hieroglyph of some sort, doubtless to jog his +memory. Then he wished me good-day with many apologies and, politely +taking off his hat to Selina, sauntered leisurely in the direction of +the railway-station. + +I confess that this _contretemps_ somewhat dashed my spirits. Nor +was my chagrin lessened by observing, during the remainder of the +afternoon, my corpulent friend, notwithstanding the closeness of his +eyes to each other, paying off regularly, at the end of each race, a +host of customers with the greatest good grace, enlivened by coarse +jocularities. I followed the rest of the sport with little zest, and +my cup of enjoyment was not filled to overflowing when, possessing +first-class return tickets, we had to stand, Selina as well as myself, +in a crowded third-class smoker. + +Selina however preserved both her spirits and her confidence. +Bookmakers, she had heard, were, as a class, most honourable. Their +losses could not be recovered by law, but they regarded them as debts +of honour. There were exceptions, of course, but the gentleman in grey +was not one of them. Something told her so. I should see that she was +right. + +At breakfast next morning we scanned our post for a letter in an +unfamiliar handwriting. There was none. + +"It was really rather early to expect one," said Selina. + +On the following morning, however, amongst others there lay a letter +in a strange writing, addressed moreover in precisely the same style +as the description of me on my visiting card. + +"What did I tell you?" said Selina. + +"Well?" she asked, as I tore open the envelope and read the letter. + +"This must be some mistake," I said. "It is a demand from the railway +for a first-class fare from Epsom to London. They state that I was +detected travelling without a ticket. Ridiculous. I shall pay no +attention to it." + +In the evening, however, as I started home from the City, I thought +better. It would save trouble if I looked in at London Bridge. + +"You have come to pay?" said the chief clerk, as I showed him the +note. + +"Indeed I have not," said I. "On the contrary the Company should +refund me the difference between first and third-class fare." + +"Do you deny, then, that you travelled back from Epsom without a +ticket?" + +"Indeed I do." + +"You will not deny, perhaps, that this is the card you handed the +inspector with a promise to pay?" + +I took the proffered card. I could not deny it, for the card was mine. +I turned it over. There, faintly legible on the back in pencil, was +the hieroglyph that the bookie had scrawled on it. + +I explained to the clerk. I also explained to Selina when I got home. +She, however, sticks to her original contention. She was not deceived. +Fundamentally the man was honest. Only the expenses of his wife's long +illness had caused him to deviate from the path of probity. + + * * * * * + +METHODIC MADNESS. + +(_By our Medical Correspondent._) + +The newspapers have recently devoted a certain amount of space to the +American millionaire who, while confined in a psychopathic ward of a +private lunatic asylum, by his clever financial manipulations added +in the course of six weeks five hundred thousand pounds to a fortune +"conservatively estimated at three million pounds." In spite of +this achievement the misguided millionaire pleaded earnestly for his +release. But the verdict of the New York Sheriffs' Court was adverse. +The expert "alienists" admitted that he possessed an extraordinary +memory and undoubted genius, but held that he was none the less +insane. Accordingly he is to remain in the psychopathic ward to which +he was consigned "at the request of his aged mother." A simple sum +in addition establishes the fact that, if the patient maintains his +present average, he will considerably more than double his fortune +in a year. Yet none of the newspaper commentators have realised the +tremendous possibilities underlying this achievement. + +We are threatened with national insolvency, and here is an infallible +remedy ready to hand. Lord FISHER'S panacea for our discontents was to +"sack the lot"--to dismiss all our rulers and administrators. But he +had only a glimmering of the truth. Our cry should rather be, "Lock up +the lot." Experience has taught us that if complete latitude is given +to eccentrics and incompetents, if, in the words of Professor SODDY, +F.R.S., the destinies of the country are entrusted to people of +archaic mental outlook, the result is bound to be disastrous and +chaotic. But if you treat them as lunatics, there is a strong +presumption of their mending their ways and proving valuable factors +in the economic reconstruction of the Empire and the world. + +Grave evils call for drastic treatment, and in view of the hectic +condition of the Stock Exchange and the "vicious circle" round which +industrialism is now unhappily revolving I cannot but think that the +temporary seclusion of the Ministry in a psychopathic ward might be +fraught with economic consequences of the utmost importance. Even if +they were only able to reduce our indebtedness at the same rate as +that attained by the American millionaire, their combined efforts +would represent a magnificent total. + +Perhaps it would be wiser to proceed tentatively and not commit +ourselves for more than six weeks to start with. It is just +conceivable that the treatment might stimulate extravagance instead +of economy. Financial thrombosis is not unknown as one of the obscurer +forms of megalomania. Still, as I have said, the experiment is worth +making. + +In other spheres of activity the results achieved are most +encouraging. For example, an extremely _outre_ Cubist who was +recently consigned to a psychopathic ward at the instigation of his +grandmother, developed a remarkable talent for painting in the manner +of MARCUS STONE; while a neo-Georgian composer under similar +treatment has produced a series of _etudes_ indistinguishable from the +pianoforte music of STERNDALE BENNETT, though he had previously +far outstripped the most unbridled and exacerbated aberrations of +SCRIABINE in his latest phase. + + * * * * * + +Commercial Candour. + + "YE OLDE TEA HOUSE + + (Opposite the Church). + + HOME-MADE CAKES. ANTIQUES." + + _Local Paper._ + + * * * * * + +"TO BE SURE. + + 'Why do you call that performing poodle Sidius?' + + 'He's a dog star, ain't he now?'" + + _Canadian Paper._ + +Still we don't see it. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PROVISION MERCHANT. + +"CAN WE SUPPLY YOU WITH A CAR, SIR? CERTAINLY. + +THIS IS OUR 1920 TOURING MODEL--PROVISIONAL, OF COURSE. + +BY THE WAY, THE BODY, YOU SEE, IS ONLY A PROVISIONAL ONE. + +THE ENGINE DESIGN IS PURELY PROVISIONAL, YOU'LL UNDERSTAND-- + +AND THE HORSEPOWER IS PROVISIONALLY FIXED AT 12-78. + +DELIVERY IS IN EIGHTEEN MONTHS--QUITE PROVISIONAL, THAT IS-- + +AND THE PRICE WE PUT PROVISIONALLY AT L1,200. + +WE SHALL REQUIRE, OF COURSE, A DEPOSIT OF L600 BEFORE WE CAN +PROVISIONALLY ACCEPT THE ORDER. + +I MAY ADD THAT A GUARANTEE GOES WITH EACH CAR--PROVISIONAL, +NATURALLY-- + +AND WE WILL PROVISIONALLY UNDERTAKE TO INFORM YOU OF ANY PROVISIONAL +ALTERATIONS-- + +THAT WE MAY MAKE IN OUR PROVISIONAL DESIGNS IF YOU APPLY TO OUR +PROVISIONAL WORKS-- + +--PROVIDED----NO, SIR, I CANNOT TELL YOU WHERE YOU CAN HIRE A +PUSH-BIKE!!!"] + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"THE MYSTERY OF THE YELLOW ROOM." + +Gentlemen of the Press having been tactfully requested not to give +away this awesome mystery, I am barred by the fastidious sense of +honour which distinguishes our profession from spoiling your pleasure +in this matter--a course which otherwise I should naturally have +preferred. + +Not that I have any too clear idea of what it was all about or why an +innocent gentleman should be apparently going to be guillotined for +it. For there was no question of anyone having been murdered, the only +tangible crime before the Court that I could see being the abstraction +of some scientific papers. However don't imagine that this vagueness +will deprive you of the pleasures of shock. Only don't go thinking +about it. Remember _Rosamund_ and her Purple Jar. + +I think I am free to tell you that a young journalist possessing +(characteristically) "fantastic humour and exuberant gaiety," a famous +amateur detective to boot, outwits all the official police, robs the +law of its prey and finds a long-lost mother for himself. + +If this doesn't excite you sufficiently you can extract fun from +subsidiary details. It is always diverting to the unspoilt soul when +the principal lady goes to turn up one lamp and the other promptly +glows instead; or when, a particularly obvious and commonplace knock +assaulting the ear, she exclaims in tragic accents, "There's someone +at the door;" or when the detective drags from the bottom of the lake +a pair of the driest of dry old boots. + +Or, if you are superior to this kind of thing, you can amuse yourself +by deducing from the practice before you the famous _Rules for +Revolvers_, which, _mutatis mutandis_, are as old as the Aristotelian +unities and, for all I (or, probably, you) know to the contrary, were +laid down at the same time by the same hand. + +_Rule 1._ "All Innocent Characters expecting murderous assault +from Particularly Desperate Villains will provide themselves with +revolvers. Before retiring for the tragic night they will, grasping +the revolver firmly in the right hand, place it carefully (as +Professor LEACOCK would direct) on the revolver-stand. The P.D.V. +will then know what to do about it. (_Note_: P.D.V.'s do not carry +revolvers. They don't need to.) + +_Rule 2._ "I.C.'s actually attacking P.D.V.'s will on no account fire, +but, advancing stealthily, will offer their pistol-wrist to the enemy, +who will at once lock it in a deathly grip. After a brief struggle, +swaying this way and that, the P.D.V. will, on the word 'Four,' put on +another beard and have the I.C. thrown into prison." And so forth. + +I have no serious fault to find with these tactics. On the contrary. +But I rather think that in the first Act an incident was introduced +(no doubt in the spirit of the little girl's explanation _a propos_ of +her riddle, "That was just put in to make it more difficult"), which +was not quite cricket as it is played by the best people in these +stage shockers. + +But I am on dangerous grounds. Let me say that Mr. HANNAFORD BENNETT +has been distinctly ingenious in his adaptation from M. GASTON +LEROUX'S hectic feuilleton; that Miss SYBIL THORNDIKE put in a much +finer quality of work than is usually supplied with this kind of +heroine; that Miss DAISY MARKHAM as her friend played very gaily +and prettily as long as the situation allowed it, and that Messrs. +FRANKLIN DYALL, LEWIS CASSON, NICHOLAS HANNEN, ARTHUR PUSEY, MAJOR +JONES, COLSTON MANSELL and the Prompter all did notable work. + +T. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Joseph Rouletabille_ (Mr. ARTHUR PUSEY) to _Frederic +Larsan_ (Mr. FRANKLIN DYALL). "FATHER, I AM A JOURNALIST; I CANNOT +TELL A LIE. YOU DID IT!"] + + * * * * * + +Our Erudite Contemporaries. + + "No doubt the inhabitants of the seaside resorts are duly + grateful as they turn their faces to the trippers and the sun. + Like Niobe, they are all smiles."--_Provincial Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "It certainly was a heavy swell, but the good ship 'Onward' + had, so to speak, got its sea legs, and so had the party + aboard; and although we rolled, it was a long steady roll + which in time became almost most enjoyable." + + _Isle of Man Weekly Times._ + +It is on occasions like these that the Manxman finds his third leg so +useful. + + * * * * * + +CUTCHERY CATS. + + [In order to check the depredations of mice and rats the + Government of India have directed the maintenance of cats in + every public office ("Cutchery"). Rations do not err on the + side of over-abundance, and the cats in consequence are not + always the most favourable specimens.] + + What time five notes on the cutchery gong + The aged orderly rings, + And he who calleth the waiting throng + Striketh his work and sings, + There cometh a man with broken meats, + Cheerily calling, and him there greets + With wailing of souls that are tried too long, + A bevy of Fearsome Things. + + Ribbed as railings and lank as rods, + Stark as the toddy trees, + Swarming as when from the bursting pods + Scatter the ripened peas, + Flaming pupil and naked claw, + Gaunt and desolate, maimed and raw, + Cats by courtesy, but, ye gods! + Never were cats like these. + + Nay, of a verity these be souls + Such as in life were vile, + Risen again from the nethermost coals + To harry the earth a while; + Versed in wickedness, old in sin, + Never was hell could hold them in, + And back they hasten in droves and shoals + To desecrate and defile. + + Here where the shadow of Ancient Lies + Falleth athwart the room, + Where the Angel of Evil Counsel plies + His chariot through the gloom, + Where the Lost Endeavours and Faded Hopes + Cluster like fruit in the mango-topes, + Here is the perfectest paradise + For the damned to work their doom. + + And swear will I by the Cloven Hoof + And the name of the Manichees, + By the hair that riseth despite reproof + And the rebel veins that freeze, + That at night, when the graves give up their dead + And the thunder belloweth overhead, + You would not get me under this roof + For a lakh of the best rupees! + + * * * * * + + The Magistrate's risen and eke the Sub, + And bicycles homeward spin; + The clerks depart with a shrill hubbub + And the snores of the guard begin; + Ah, lock ye the strong-room sure and fast, + For the night draws down and the day is past; + Masters, I will away to the Club, + For the hour of the cats is in. + + H. B. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Batsman._ "I DON'T WANT NONE OF YOUR UNDER'ANDS. BOWL +ANOTHER AN' I TAKES THE BAT 'OME--SEE?"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Although _Madeline of the Desert_ (UNWIN) is published in the First +Novel series, it by no means follows that Mr. ARTHUR WEIGALL can be +considered a beginner in authorship, his various activities already +including some volumes on Egyptology that have made for him a wide +circle of appreciative readers. You will therefore be correct in +guessing that the Desert of the title is Egyptian; also that the story +is one in which the setting and the local colour are treated with +expert knowledge and an infectious enthusiasm. Of _Madeline_ herself I +should say at once that nothing in her life, as shown here, became her +like the beginning of it. Her entrance into the tale, arriving out of +the desert to consult the recluse, _Father Gregory_, whose nephew +she afterwards marries, does very strikingly achieve an effect of +personality. _Madeline_ was a product of Port Said and, when we first +meet her, an adventuress of international reputation, or lack of +it. Then _Robin_ rescues, marries and educates her. It was the last +process that started the trouble. _Madeline_ took to education more +readily than a duck to water; and the worst of it was that she was by +no means willing to keep the results and her conclusions therefrom to +herself; indeed she developed the lecturing habit to an extent that +almost (but not quite) ruined her charm. Mr. WEIGALL is so obviously +sincere in all this that, though I cannot exonerate him from a charge +of using _Madeline_ as the mouthpiece of his own sociological and +religious views, I must acknowledge his good intentions, while +deploring what seems to me an artistic error. But, all said, the book +is very far from being ordinary; its quality in the portrayal both of +place and character is of the richest promise for future stories, +in which I hope the author will give us more pictures of the land he +understands so well. + + * * * * * + +I certainly admit that the publishers of _The Strangeness of Noel +Carton_ (JENKINS) have every justification for speaking of it as "a +new note in a novel." Indeed that clever writer, Mr. WILLIAM CAINE, +has here sounded as new, original and (for all its surface humour) +horrible a note as any I have heard in fiction for some time. My +trouble is that I can hardly indicate it without giving away the +whole business. Very briefly the tale is of one _Noel Carton_, who has +married beneath him for not quite enough money to gild a detestable +union, and, being an unstable egoist and waster, presently seeks +consolation (and pocket money) by writing a novel founded in part on +his own position. One may note in passing that Mr. CAINE seems to have +but a modest idea of the mental equipment required for such a task. +Still I suppose he knows, and anyway that isn't the point. The point +is that, once _Noel_ has got himself properly projected into his +novel, all sorts of the queerest and most bogie coincidences begin to +occur. Again to quote the puff preliminary, "as the book develops the +reader has a suspicion which becomes almost a certainty, until the +great and astounding climax is reached;" concerning which you may +justly remark that no reader with a certainty would regard its +verification as "astounding." But this takes nothing from the craft +with which, on looking back, you see the climax to have been prepared. +I could hardly call the tale altogether pleasant, but it is undeniably +new and vastly original. + + * * * * * + +The good Sioux glories in his scalps, and Mr. ISAAC F. MARCOSSON, +of Louisville, must surely be the Great Chief of interviewers. +Interviewing, he tells us, is, after all, only a form of reporting, +and so are history, poetry and romance. What, he asks, were MOMMSEN +and GIBBON, WORDSWORTH and KEATS but reporters, and I can only answer, +What indeed? To have been found worthy of tonsure by Mr. MARCOSSON it +is necessary to be very eminent, and to win his highest praise it +is essential also to be a good "imparter," though he has a kind of +sneaking admiration for the paleface who insists on handing him a +written statement and declines to speak. Such a one was Sir EDWARD +CARSON. Hanging to Mr. MARCOSSON'S girdle are the _chevelures_ of +Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, Lord HAIG, Marshal FOCH, Sir JAMES BARRIE and Mr. +ROOSEVELT, to name no more. Naturally _Adventures in Interviewing_ +(LANE) is full of side-lights on the recent war. How could it be +otherwise when so many celebrated brains are laid bare? One quotation +I cannot refrain from giving. Speaking of Lord BEAVERBROOK he +says, "He had come to London a decade ago, to live 'the life of a +gentleman,' but was drawn irresistibly into politics." I challenge our +literature to produce a more beautiful "but." + + * * * * * + +Miss EDITH DART has grouped against her Dartmoor setting in _Sareel_ +(PHILIP ALLAN) just the characters to act out the well-worn story of +the mutual infatuation of a young man of birth and an ignorant country +maid. But though _Sareel_, the little workhouse-reared servant at the +farm, falls in love in the accepted fashion with the best-looking of +the three young men who lodge there on a reading tour, and though he +duly falls in love with her, the innocence of her soul keeps their +passion on the highest plane. What is more, when _Alan_, as such young +gentlemen in fiction generally do, changes his mind Miss DART provides +a happy ending, without even a suicide to spoil it, and without +inconsistency either in her own point of view or in that of her +characters. I don't really believe that Devonshire people say that +they like things "brave and well" quite as often as Miss DART makes +hers, and I wish she had not so great a fondness for the word "such" +that she must invent phrases as weird as "though he had not sought +such" in order to bring it in; but apart from these trifles _Sareel_, +as something like a feminine version of a book by Mr. EDEN PHILLPOTTS +arranged for family reading, will certainly please a great many +people. + + * * * * * + +If you would like to see a white lady ride on a white horse to Banbury +Cross and elsewhere with a body-guard of men in tin hats, carrying +_The Banner_ (COLLINS) and proclaiming the League of Youth (against +war and other evils) and forcible retirement from all offices of +profit or power under the Crown at the age of forty, get Mr. HUGH F. +SPENDER'S new and, as it seems to me, rather ingenuous novel. Love is +not neglected, for a peer's son, deaf and dumb through shell-shock, +so responds to the counter-irritant of seeing this modern JOAN riding +through Piccadilly that he recovers both speech and hearing and +promptly uses them to put her a leading question and understand her +version of "But this is so sudden. However----" There is a people's +army; a rose-water revolution with the King accepting it as all in the +day's dull work; a fight or rather an arming of a few last-ditchers +of the old order, and much else that is not likely to happen outside +Ruritania. Also candid expression of the opinions of (I take it) the +"Wee Frees" concerning _Glamorgan Jones_. + + * * * * * + +If Mr. ALAN GRAHAM does not unsettle my conviction that it is easier +to begin a story of hidden treasure than it is to finish it, I can +nevertheless promise you a good day with the sleuth-hounds, should you +decide to _Follow the Little Pictures_ (BLACKWOOD). For some not +too lucid reason I went to the meet with a fear in my heart that the +command in the title referred to the "movies," and my relief was great +on discovering that it was taken from a cipher containing the key to +the treasure. The scene of this hunt is laid in Scotland, and the most +notable figure among its followers is a certain _Laird Tanish_. The +pecuniary fortunes of the _Tanish_ clan were at a low ebb, and in his +determination to improve them by winning the prize the _Laird_ broke +all the rules of the game and gave way to terrific outbursts of rage +in the manner of those explosive gentlemen with whom Miss ETHEL DELL +has familiarised us. There is both ingenuity and originality in +this story, and I should be doing the author and his readers a great +disservice if I disclosed the details of the plot. Anyone with a bent +for treasure-hunting will be missing a fine opportunity if he refuses +to have a day (or a night) with Mr. GRAHAM'S hounds. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mistress._ "NORAH, DO YOU EVER REPEAT ANYTHING YOU +HEAR THE MASTER AND MYSELF SAY TO EACH OTHER WHEN WE HAVE A SLIGHT +DIFFERENCE OF OPINION?" + +_Domestic._ "THE SAINTS FORBID, MUM!"] + + * * * * * + +A Sympathetic Auditor. + + "Dr. R. C. Ghostley, of Edmonton, was in the city last week + and attended Sir Oliver Lodge's lecture."--_Canadian Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "W. W. ----, the Rugby International forward, won his third + success in four days at Chesham Oddfellows' and Foresters' + sports yesterday, when he took first prize in the 10 yards + open event, with 7-1/2 yards start, in 9-2/5 sec."--_Daily + Paper._ + +His strong point, we gather, is not speed but staying-power. + + * * * * * + +_A propos_ of the DE KEYSER case:-- + + "Unfortunately, the Dora regulations against free speech + and printing were never taken before the High Court, and our + ancestors will wonder at our timidity."--_Daily Herald._ + +We understand that Sir A. CONAN DOYLE has already received several +urgent messages on the subject. + + * * * * * + + +Transcriber's Note: + +p. 438: Removed extraneous "'s" from "GASTON'S" ... + [M. GASTON LEROUX'S] + +p. 440: Changed "9 2-5" to "9-2/5" ... + [in 9-2/5 sec."--_Daily Paper_.] + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +158, June 2, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 31071.txt or 31071.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/1/0/7/31071/ + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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