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diff --git a/30739.txt b/30739.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..05fb0d2 --- /dev/null +++ b/30739.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1409 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, +March 29, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, March 29, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Cowley Burnand + +Release Date: December 22, 2009 [EBook #30739] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen,Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, + + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOLUME 98. + + MARCH 29, 1890. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS. + +No. IX.--UNDER THE HARROW. + +_A Conventional Comedy-Melodrama, in two Acts._ + +CHARACTERS. + + SIR POSHBURY PUDDOCK (_a haughty and high-minded Baronet_). + + VERBENA PUDDOCK (_his Daughter_). + + LORD BLESHUGH (_her Lover_). + + SPIKER (_a needy and unscrupulous Adventurer_). + + BLETHERS (_an ancient and attached Domestic_). + +ACT I.--SCENE--_The Morning Room, at Natterjack Hall, Toadley-le-Hole; +large window open at back, with heavy practicable sash._ + +[Illustration] + +_Enter_ BLETHERS. + +_Blethers._ Sir POSHBURY'S birthday to-day--his birthday!--and the +gentry giving of him presents. Oh, Lor! if they only knew what _I_ could +tell 'em!... Ah, and _must_ tell, too, before long--but not yet--not +yet! [_Exit._ + +_Enter_ Lord BLESHUGH _and_ VERBENA. + +_Verb._ Yes, Papa is forty to-day; (_innocently_) fancy living to _that_ +age! The tenants have presented him with a handsome jar of mixed +pickles, with an appropriate inscription. Papa is loved and respected by +every one. And I--well, I have made him a little housewife, containing +needles and thread.... See! [_Shows it._ + +_Lord Blesh. (tenderly)._ I say, I--I wish you would make _me_ a little +housewife! + + [_Comedy love-dialogue omitted owing to want of space._ + +_Verb._ Oh, do look!--there's Papa crossing the lawn with, oh, such a +horrid man following him! + +_Lord B._ Regular bounder. Shocking bad hat! + +_Verb._ Not so bad as his boots, and _they_ are not so bad as his face! +Why doesn't Papa order him to go away? Oh, he is actually inviting him +in! + +_Enter_ Sir POSHBURY, _gloomy and constrained, with_ SPIKER, _who is +jaunty, and somewhat over-familiar_. + +_Spiker (sitting on the piano, and dusting his boots with a +handkerchief)._ Cosy little shanty you've got here, PUDDOCK--very tasty! + +_Sir P. (with a gulp)._ I am--ha--delighted that you approve of it! Ah, +VERBENA! [_Kisses her on forehead._ + +_Spiker._ Your daughter, eh? Pooty gal. Introduce me. + + [_Sir_ POSH. _introduces him--with an effort_. + +_Verbena. (coldly)._ How do you do? Papa, did you know that the sashline +of this window was broken? If it is not mended, it will fall on +somebody's head, and perhaps kill him! + +_Sir. P. (absently)._ Yes--yes, it shall be attended to; but leave us, +my child, go. BLESHUGH, this--er--gentleman and I have business of +importance to discuss. + +_Spiker._ Don't let us drive you away, Miss; your Pa and me are only +talking over old times, that's all--eh, POSH? + +_Sir P. (in a tortured aside)._ Have a care, Sir, don't drive me too +far! (_To_ VERB.) Leave us, I say. (Lord B. and VERB. _go out, raising +their eyebrows_.) Now, Sir, what is this secret you profess to have +discovered? + +_Spiker._ Oh, a mere nothing. (_Takes out a cigar._) Got a light about +you? Thanks. Perhaps you don't recollect twenty-seven years ago this +very day, travelling from Edgware Road to Baker Street, by the +Underground Railway? + +_Sir P._ Perfectly; it was my thirteenth birthday, and I celebrated the +event by a visit to Madame TUSSAUD'S. + +_Spiker._ Exactly; it was your thirteenth birthday, and you travelled +second-class with a half-ticket--(_meaningly_)--on your thirteenth +birthday. + +_Sir P. (terribly agitated)._ Fiend that you are, how came you to learn +this? + +_Spiker._ Very simple. I was at that time in the temporary position of +ticket-collector at Baker Street. In the exuberance of boyhood, you +cheeked me. I swore to be even with you some day. + +_Sir P._ Even if--if your accusation were well-founded, how are you +going to prove it? + +_Sp._ Oh, that's easy! I preserved the half-ticket, on the chance that I +should require it as evidence hereafter. + +_Sir P. (aside)._ And so the one error of an otherwise blameless boyhood +has found me out--at last. (_To_ SPIKER.) I fear you not; my crime--if +crime indeed it was--is surely condoned by twenty-seven long years of +unimpeachable integrity! + +_Sp._ Bye-laws are bye-laws, old buck! there's no time limit in criminal +offences that ever _I_ heard of! Nothing can alter the fact that you, +being turned thirteen, obtained a half-ticket by a false representation +that you were under age. A line from me, even now, denouncing you to the +Traffic Superintendent, and I'm very much afraid---- + +_Sir P. (writhing)._ SPIKER, my--my dear friend, you won't do that--you +won't expose me? Think of my age, my position, my daughter! + +_Sp._ Ah, now you've touched the right chord! I _was_ thinking of your +daughter--a nice lady-like gal--I don't mind telling you she fetched me, +Sir, at the first glance. Give me her hand, and I burn the compromising +half-ticket before your eyes on our return from church after the +wedding. Come, that's a fair offer! + +_Sir P. (indignantly)._ My child, the ripening apple of my failing eye, +to be sacrificed to a blackmailing blackguard like you! Never while I +live! + +_Sp._ Just as you please; and, if you will kindly oblige me with writing +materials, I will just drop a line to the Traffic Superintendent---- + +_Sir P. (hoarsely)._ No, no; not _that_.... Wait, listen; I--I will +speak to my daughter. I promise nothing; but if her heart is still her +own to give, she may (mind, I do not say she _will_) be induced to link +her lot to yours, though I shall not attempt to influence her in any +way--in _any_ way. + +_Sp._ Well, you know your own business best, old Cockalorum. Here comes +the young lady, so I'll leave you to manage this delicate affair alone. +Ta-ta. I shan't be far off. + + [_Swaggers insolently out as_ VERB. _enters_. + +_Sir P._ My child, I have just received an offer for your hand. I know +not if you will consent? + +_Verb._ I can guess who has made that offer, and why. I consent with all +my heart, dear Papa. + +_Sir P._ Can I trust my ears! You consent? Noble girl! [_He embraces +her._ + +_Verb._ I was quite sure dear BLESHUGH meant to speak, and I _do_ love +him very much. + +_Sir P. (starting)._ It is not Lord BLESHUGH, my child, but Mr. SAMUEL +SPIKER, the gentleman (for he is at heart a gentleman) whom I introduced +to you just now. + +_Verb._ I have seen so little of him, Papa, I cannot love him--you must +really excuse me! + +_Sir P._ Ah, but you will, my darling, you _will_--I know your +unselfish nature--you will, to save your poor old dad from a terrible +disgrace ... yes, _disgrace_, listen! Twenty-seven years ago--(_he tells +her all_). VERBENA, at this very moment, there is a subscription on foot +in the county to present me with my photograph, done by an itinerant +photographer of the highest eminence, and framed and glazed ready for +hanging. Is that photograph never to know the nail which even now awaits +it? Can you not surrender a passing girlish fancy, to spare your fond +old father's fame? Mr. SPIKER is peculiar, perhaps, in many ways--not +quite of our _monde_--but he loves you sincerely, my child, and that is, +in itself, a recommendation. Ah, I see--my prayers are vain ... be +happy, then. As for me, let the police come--I am ready! [_Weeps._ + +_Verb._ Not so, Papa; I will marry this Mr. SPIKER, since it is your +wish. [Sir POSH. _dries his eyes_. + +_Sir P._ Here, SPIKER, my dear fellow, it is all right. Come in. She +accepts you. + +_Enter_ SPIKER. + +_Sp._ Thought she would. Sensible little gal! Well, Miss, you shan't +regret it. Bless you, we'll be as chummy together as a couple of little +dicky-birds! + +_Verb._ Mr. SPIKER, let us understand one another. I will do my best to +be a good wife to you--but chumminess is not mine to give, nor can I +promise ever to be your dicky-bird. + +_Enter_ Lord BLESHUGH. + +_Lord B._ Sir POSHBURY, may I have five minutes with you? VERBENA, you +need not go. (_Looking at_ SPIKER.) Perhaps this person will kindly +relieve us of his presence. + +_Sp._ Sorry to disoblige, old feller, but I'm on duty where Miss VERBENA +is now, you see, as she's just promised to be my wife. + +_Lord B._ _Your_ wife! + +_Verb. (faintly)._ Yes, Lord BLESHUGH, his _wife_! + +_Sir P._ Yes, my poor boy, _his_ wife! + + [VERBENA _totters, and falls heavily in a dead faint_, R.C., _upsetting +a flower-stand_; Lord BLESHUGH _staggers, and swoons on sofa_, C., +_overturning a table of knicknacks_; Sir POSHBURY _sinks into chair_, +L.C., _and covers his face with his hands_. + +_Sp. (looking down on them triumphantly)._ Under the Harrow, by Gad! +Under the Harrow! [_Curtain, and end of Act I._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STRIKING HOME.] + +_Punch loquitur:_-- + + WELL, you have got your way, my lad, + And may it prove good all round. + Liberal pay is your right, I say, + For your grim work underground. + + Rise of pay and a shorter day? + Excellent things, belike, + Yet would they were sought in another way + Than the cruel road of a Strike. + + I see you've been having a smoke, my lad; + What did you see in the smoke? + Why, some things good, and many things bad, + And nought that is matter for joke. + + At every puff there's a picture of gloom, + A moral in every pull. + Motionless wheels and idle loom, + What is their meaning in full? + + Capital's greed and Labour's need + These be fair matters for fight. + _Must_ Trade, though, suffer and poor hearts bleed? + _Must_ wrong be the road to right? + + Glad there is talk of a better way, + Truly 'tis worth the search; + For little you'll profit by higher pay + If Commerce be left in the lurch. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PROSPECTS FOR THE COMING SEASON. + +THE LIONS ARE DECIDEDLY SMALL THIS YEAR, BUT THE BEAUTIES ARE FINER, +LARGER, AND MORE LIKE EACH OTHER THAN EVER.] + + * * * * * + +A BOAT-RACE VISION. + +[Illustration] + +(_By an Oxbridge Enthusiast._) + + WINDS from the East may provoke us, + Making us angry and ill, + Dust of the Equinox choke us, + Yet we will welcome thee still, + Spring, now the runnels of primrose and crocus + Trickle all over the hill; + + Now, when the willow and osier + Flicker in diffident green; + Now, when the poplars are rosier, + When the first daisies are seen, + And the windows of draper and hosier + Are bright with their 'Varsity sheen. + + "Not what it was, Sir, in my time," + Grumbles a fogey, or two; + "Then we had really a high-time, + Lord, what mad things we would do! + Skylarking! Well, it was sky-time. + Blue! It was nothing but blue!" + + Well, let the people and papers + Say what it please them to say, + Shops of the politic drapers + Follow them, sombre or gay, + "Men" be austere, or cut capers, + Still 'tis a glorious day! + + * * * + + Visions of Sandford or Ely, + Baitsbite, or Abingdon Lock, + Skies that are stormy or steely, + Seas that we ship with a shock, + "Coaches," whose mouths are not mealy, + "Faithfuls," who riverward flock, + + Mornings, inclement and early, + Stinted tobacco and beer, + Tutors reluctant and surly, + "Finals" unpleasantly near-- + All are forgot in the hurly-- + Lo! the long looked-for is here! + + Now, at the start, as I'm eyeing + The back, that I know like a friend, + I wonder which flag will be flying + In front at the winning-post bend-- + Shall we triumph, or, fruitlessly trying, + Row it out, game to the end? + + Point after point we are clearing, + Mile after mile we have sped; + Multiplied roaring and cheering + Sound as they sound to the dead. + Surely the end we are nearing! + Yes, but I know _they_'re ahead! + + Then is the toiling and straining + Out of the tail of my eye + Somehow I see we are gaining-- + Look at the wash running by! + Now, in the minutes remaining, + Somehow we'll do it, or die. + + There are blades flashing beside us, + Dropping astern one by one. + Now they creep up--they have tied us-- + No! The spurt dies--they are done! + Gods of the 'Varsity guide us!-- + Bang! "Easy all!" We have won! + + * * * * * + +THE Coal Strike was easily settled, as all that had to be discussed were +"Miner Considerations." + + * * * * * + +"FOR THIS RELIEF, MUCH THANKS!" + + "As a sign of this gratitude, I confer upon you the dignity of Duke + of LAUENBURG, and shall also send you my life-sized Portrait."--_The + German Emperor to Prince Bismarck._ + + GOD bless you, dear Prince! Since your purpose is fixed, + It is useless, I know, to dissuade you. + I permit you to go, though my feelings are mixed, + And unmake, as my grandfather made, you. + Yet deem not ungrateful your Emperor and King; + Let me pay you my thanks at the Court rate. + So I make you a Duke, ere I let you take wing, + And, O Prince, I will send you my Portrait! + + O Pilot undaunted, brave heart and strong hand + When our planks were all riven asunder, + You alone grasped the helm, and took boldly your stand, + Nor blanched at the blast and the thunder. + And now, safe in port, we award you a prize + Of a value that men of your sort rate. + So, Prince, I will have myself painted life-size + Every inch, and I'll send you the Portrait. + + Fresh storms may be brewing. I'll face them myself. + I am young, and, O Prince, you grow older. + Stay ashore, if you wish it, retire to the shelf, + And let those steer the ship who are bolder. + Yet it shall not be said that, in parting from you, + Your King gave his thanks at a short rate; + So be henceforth a Duke, and accept as your due + What I gratefully grant you--my Portrait! + + * * * * * + +A RATEPAYER'S REPLY. + +_To Mr. Stanhope's Latest Serio-comic, Patriotic Song._ + +[Illustration] + + YOUR story's good, STANHOPE, as far as it runs, + For JOHN BULL, at last, looks like getting his guns. + But though you talk big on the strength of the four + With which you've just managed to arm Singapore, + We would like you to state precisely how long + 'Twill take you to get the next batch to Hong Kong! + For you talk in a not very confident way + Of those that are destined to guard Table Bay. + Your speech, too, with doubt seems decidedly laden, + When noting the present defences of Aden. + Though you finish the list with the news, meant to cheer + That Ceylon "should be" safe by the end of the year. + You think, to sum up, that a gratified nation + Should greet your glad statement with wild jubilation! + Well, the country does not get too often a chance + Of an honest excuse for a genuine dance, + And would step it quite gladly, if only assured + It could once from old dodges feel safely secured, + Being certain its guns, before setting to caper, + Do not exist merely on War-Office paper! + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +[Illustration] + +SOCIAL. + +"_You are one of the few people with whom I can really enjoy a quiet +talk, all to our two selves_;" _i.e._, "I should be very sorry to +introduce you to any of _my_ set." + +"_What, YOU here?_"; _i.e._, "Wonder how the deuce this confounded cad +got an invitation." + +"_Ah, by the way, just let me introduce you to Farrodust. You two +fellows ought to know each other_;" _i.e._, "Call that killing two +_bores_ with one stone." + +"_Thanks for a most delightful evening. So sorry to have to run away_;" +_i.e._, "Bored to extinction, and fairly famished. Must run down to the +Club for a snack and a smoke." + +"_I'll look at my list when I get home_;" _i.e._, "You don't catch me." + +"_Drop in any day_;" _i.e._, "When the chances are I shan't be in." + +"_No party_;" _i.e._, "Must ask him, and do it as cheaply as possible." + +"_Come as you are_;" _i.e._, "Be careful to wear evening dress." + +"_Don't trouble to answer_;" _i.e._, "Think it very rude if you don't." + +"_What! going already!_" _i.e._, "Thank goodness! Thought she'd never +move." + +"_What a fine child!_" _i.e._, "Don't know whether the brat is a boy or +girl, but must say something." + +(_To be continued._) + + * * * * * + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-Writer._) + +No. VI.--THE POLITICAL WOMAN. + +THE Political Woman is one upon whom, if she may be believed, the world +has never smiled. She avenges herself by recounting her wrongs and those +of her sex to all who can be induced to listen to her. In early youth +she will have taught herself by a superficial study of political history +that all great movements have depended for their success upon Women, and +that men, though they may ride on the whirlwind have had but little hand +in directing the storm. The base ingratitude which has hitherto attended +feminine effort in general, has aroused in her breast a quite particular +and personal resentment against all men who have the misfortune to +disagree with her. Hence it comes that the males who bask in the +sunshine of her approval are but few. It is noticeable, that although +she openly despises men, she makes herself, and wishes to make her +fellow women as masculine as is compatible with the wearing of +petticoats, and the cultivation of habitual inaccuracy of mind. +Moreover, although she has a fine contempt, of which she makes no +concealment, for most women, she selects as the associates of her +political enterprises and her daily life, only those men whose cast of +mind would suit better with the wearing of gowns than of trousers. + +[Illustration] + +The Political Woman is far removed from the ordinary members of Primrose +Leagues and Women's Federations, with whom the country abounds. Her +over-mastering political appetite would find no satisfaction in the mere +wearing of badges, the distribution of blankets, the passing of +common-place resolutions, or the fearful joy of knowing a secret +password and countersign. Such trifles are, in her opinion, mere whets +for the political banquet. For herself she requires far stronger meat. +From the fact, that the race of women is in physical energy inferior to +that of men, she has apparently deduced as an axiom, that nature +intended them to be equal in every respect. Few women agree with her, +fewer still show any desire for the supposed boons to the attainment of +which she is constantly urging them. Yet, the knowledge of these facts +only seems to render the Political Woman more determined in the +prosecution of her quest, and more bitter in her attacks upon men. + +At school the Political Woman will have been highly thought of as a +writer of vigorous essays, in which unconventional opinions were +expressed, in ungrammatical language. She will have formed a Debating +Society amongst her fellow-pupils, and, having caused herself to be +elected perpetual President, she will leave the Presidential arm-chair +at the beginning of every debate, in order to demolish by anticipation +all who may venture to speak after her. She will play various kinds of +music upon the piano with a uniform vigour that would serve well for the +beating of carpets, and will express much scorn for the feeble beings +who use the soft pedal, or indulge in the luxury of a "touch." + +Having left school with an ill-assorted mass of miscellaneous knowledge, +she will show her contempt for ordinary feminine accomplishments by +refusing to attend dances, and by crushing mild young men whom +misfortune may have thrown in her way. Having discovered from one of +these that he imagines the Rebecca Riots to be an incident of Old +Testament History, and has no definite views upon the currency question, +she will observe, in a tone of some bitterness, that "These are our +Governors!" and, having left him in a state of collapse, will scale the +ramparts of political discussion, in company with a Professor, who +happens to be unmarried and a Member of Parliament. After making love +for some months, by means of an interchange of political tracts, these +two will be married in a registrar's office, and will spend their +honeymoon in investigating the social requirements of Italian +organ-grinders. + +From this moment she exists chiefly as a Member or President of +innumerable Committees. No sooner does the shadow of a political idea +flit through her brain, than she forms a Committee to promote its +development. When not engaged in forming or in sitting upon Committees, +she occupies herself in delivering lectures "to Women only," or in +discussing the Woman's Suffrage question with the Member of Parliament +for her district (whom she despises) by means of letters, which she +subsequently publishes in the journal of which she is, by this time, the +proprietor, editor, and staff combined. + +In a regrettable moment of absent-mindedness she bore to the Professor a +son, whom she brings up on Spartan principles, and little else. Her home +is a centre of slatternly discomfort. She rises early, but, having +locked herself into her study, for the better composition of a discourse +on "The Sacred Right of Revolt for Women," she forgets that both the tea +and the coffee are locked in with her, and learns subsequently with +surprise, but without regret, that her husband drank water to his +breakfast. She then proceeds to regenerate the working-man, by proving +to him, that his wife is a miserable creature for submitting to his +sway, and rouses an audience of spectacled enthusiasts to frenzy by +proclaiming, that she is ready to lead them to the tented field for the +assertion of rights which the malignity of men has filched from them. +Later on, she presides over her various Committees, and she returns home +to find that her child has burnt himself by falling on to the +dining-room fire, and that her cook has given warning. + +She will eventually fail to be elected a member of the School Board, and +having written a strong book on a delicate social question, will die of +the shock of seeing it adversely reviewed in _The Spectator_. + + * * * * * + +PLAYING DARK. + +(_New Style._) + +[Illustration] + +THE great success which, in their own estimation, has attended the +endeavour to establish a series of Night Field Sports in the +neighbourhood of Melton Mowbray, so dashingly led off recently with a +regular across country Steeple Chase, "by lamplight," has, it is said, +induced the spirited organisers to extend their field of experiment; and +it is alleged that tennis, golf, hockey, and football are all to be +tried in turn, under the new conditions. That some excitement may be +reasonably looked for from the projected contests may be gathered from a +reference to the subjoined score, put on paper by the newly constituted +"Melton Mowbray Midnight Eleven," who, in a recent trial of strength +with a distinguished local Club, it will be seen, showed some capital, +if original play, in meeting their opponents in the national game, +conducted under what must have been necessarily somewhat novel and +unfamiliar conditions. + +The boundaries of the field in which the wickets were pitched were +marked out with night-lights, the only other illumination being supplied +by a couple of moderator lamps, held respectively by the Umpire and +Square-leg. The costume, of course, comprised a night-shirt and a pair +of bed-room slippers, with which was also worn a pink +dressing-gown,--pink being the colour adopted by the Club. Owing to the +absence of any moon, and also to the fact that the night was a rather +boisterous one, on account of the persistency both of wind and rain, the +play suffered from some disadvantages. However, the Eleven went pluckily +to the wicket with the following result:-- + +Mr. GEORGE P-G-T, mistaking, in the obscurity, the Umpire for + his wicket, gets out of his ground, and is instantly + stumped out 0 + +Mr. SYDNEY P-G-T treads on his wicket 0 + +Mr. OTTO P-G-T takes the Wicket-keeper's head for the ball, + and trying to "play it to leg," gives it in consequence such + a severe blow, that he is obliged to accompany the Wicket-keeper + in a cab to a hospital without finishing his innings 0 + +Mr. W. CH-PL-N treads on his wicket 0 + +Count Z-BR-SKI makes 497 in one hit. The ball being, however, + only three yards off, but escaping notice, owing to the darkness, + he is kept on the move for twenty-nine min. and a half 497 + +Mr. A. B-RN-BY stumbles over his wicket 0 + +Mr. G. W-LS-N sits on his wicket 0 + +Captain R-B-NS-N run out through losing his way in trying to + find the wicket 0 + +Mr. E. H-N-AGE trying a forward drive, but not able to see, + plays the whole of his wicket into the face of cover-point, + whom he severely bruises, and is, consequently, given out 0 + +Captain W-RN-R takes the Long-stop for the Bowler; and, so + getting the wrong side of his wicket, is bowled out in + his first over 0 + +Mr. MCN-L misled by the lights on the adjacent hedges, making + a hit, loses his way in trying a run; and finally, wandering + into a neighbouring field, unable to make his way in the + dark, rests in a ditch, in which he ultimately goes to sleep,--Not + Out 0 + +Wides (bowled chiefly at the Umpire). 1322 +Byes, &c. 704 + ---- + 2523 + +At the conclusion of the innings, as daylight was beginning to break, it +was determined to draw the stumps, it being settled that play should be +resumed on the following midnight, when the opposing team were to take +their turn at the wicket. + + * * * * * + +"POUR LES BEAUX YEUX."--Last week Dr. OGLE lectured excellently well +and very wisely on the statistics of marriage in England. Altogether, +it appears that this is not a marrying age. Those young men and maidens +who are in search of partners for life, must keep their eyes open, +and----Ogle. Very leery advice would be expected from anyone of the name +of OGLE. + + * * * * * + +ROBERT ON THE BOAT-RACE. + +AT the moment as I rites on the most importentest ewent of the hopening +Spring, the warst majority of the four millions on us is a passing their +days and nites in wundering which blew side will win. Why they is both +blew, puzzles me. If so be as they was both saleing boats, in course I +coud unnerstand it, but, as they ain't, I gives up the puzzle, and gos +a-head. + +By the by, BROWN has given me a strate tip, which I ginerously gives to +all my numerus readers. If it's a nice _light_ day, Cambrige will +suttenly win; but if it's a dull, _dark_ day, Hoxford will suttenly not +lose. So if any of my frends drops their money, it suttenly won't be my +fault. + +I remember as one year we had 'em all to dinner at the Manshun House +after the Race, and werry remarkabel fine appytites they all seemed to +have, winners and loosers alike. I spose as Hoxford lost that time, and +most likely from the same cause. For I remembers as the Company werry +kindly drunk the elth of the man who pulled the ropes on that occasion, +and he was just sech another little feller as the won as lost last year, +and wen he returned thanks he sed werry wisely, I thort, as he shood +never pull the ropes again in a great match, for if your boat won nobody +didn't give you no praise for it, but if it lost, everybody said as it +was your fault. + +I seed a good many of my respected Paytrons on that ocasion a injoying +of theirselves in their serveral ways. The _Maria Wood_ state Barge was +there in all her glory, and plenty of gay company aboard, including +several members of the honoured Copperashun. In fack you ginerally sees +a fair number on 'em when there's anythink a going forred, whether of a +usefool or a hornymental caracter. One or two other wessels carried +their onered flag. But I looked in wane for any, the werry slightest, +simptom of the County Counsel of London having put in a appearance. Poor +Fellers, what with plenty of dull, dry hard work, and not a partikle of +rashnal injoyment, no not ewen such a trifle as a bit of free wittles or +a drop of free drink, what will they be looking like at the end of their +second year of hoffis? Why it's my beleef as their werry best frends +won' kno 'em. No wunder as they all wants to get free admissions to all +the Theaters and Music Alls. Rayther shabby idear for a full blown +County Counsellor, when a shilling will take him amost anywheres. + +[Illustration] + +I thinks upon the hole as I prefers a Boat Race to an Horse Race. In the +fust place the grand excitement lasts much longer, in the nex place of +course their ain't no crewel whipping and spurring of the two gallant +Crews to make 'em go faster than possible, in the nex place their ain't +not no dust, and what a blessed loss that is I spose most on us knows by +his own blinded xperience, in the nex place there ain't but werry little +showting and borling and skreaming, and far beyond all, one is abel +direckly after the race is over, insted of rushing off to a scrowged +tent and paying 3_s._ 6_d._ for a bit of cold beef, werry Carelessly +served, to set down carmly and comfortably in one's littel cabbin, and +partake in peas and quiet of all the good things as kind friends has +purvided, while gliding smoothly along our own butifool River a returnin +to that peacefool home to witch one's thorts allers naterally turns wen +the plesure or the bizziness of the day is all over, and our strengths +is replenisht with plenty of good wittles and drink. + + ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +"GO TO BATH!"--Yes, to make sketches and flattering comments, but not to +ridicule the dulness and dinginess of the place, or the local papers +will "slate" you. They don't like "the New Bath Guy'd!" + + * * * * * + +"LENTEN ENTERTAINMENT."--Going to see SUCCI the fasting man. By the way, +very wrong of SUCCI not to avail himself of the Papal dispensation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HOUSE OF COMMONS FROM TOBY'S PRIVATE BOX.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "NONE BUT THE BRAVE DESERVE THE FARE." + +_The Rector's Wife (at School-Feast, to one of the Boys, who had been +doing very "good business")._ "WHAT'S THE MATTER, NOGGINS? DON'T YOU +FEEL WELL?" + +_Noggins._ "NO, M'M,--BUT--I'LL HEV--TO BE WUSS, M'M--AFORE I GIVE IN!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DROPPING THE PILOT.] + + * * * + +DROPPING THE PILOT. + + GREAT Pilot, whom so many storms have tried, + To see thee quit the helm at last, at last, + And slow descend that vessel's stately side, + Whilst yet waves surge and skies are overcast, + Wakes wondering memories of that mighty past, + Shaped by a guiding hand, + Strong to direct as strenuous to command. + When yet did a great ship on the great sea + Drop Pilot like to thee? + + The "wakeful Palinurus" of old song + Drowsed at the last, and floods his corpse did whelm; + But thou hast ever been alert as strong, + Pilot who never slumbered at the helm. + Impetuous youth aspires to rear a realm, + And the State-bark to steer + In other fashion. Is it faith or fear + Fills the old Pilot's spirit as he moves + Slow from the post he loves? + + No "branch in Lethe dipped by Morpheus" slacks + This Pilot's sight, or vanquishes his force. + The ship he leaves may steer on other tacks; + Will the new Palinurus hold her course + With hand as firm and skill of such resource? + He who, AEneas-like, + Now takes the helm himself, perchance may strike + On sunken shoals, or wish, on the wild main, + The old Pilot back again. + + These things are on the knees of the great gods; + But, hap what hap, that slow-descending form, + Which oft hath stood with winds and waves at odds, + And almost single-handed braved the storm, + Shows an heroic shape; and high hearts warm + To that stout grim-faced bulk + Of manhood looming large against the hulk + Of the great Ship, whose course, at fate's commands, + He leaves to lesser hands! + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, March 17._--St. Patrick's Day in the evening. +Every Irish Member carries in buttonhole bit of withered grass; at least +looks like withered grass. DICK POWER says it's shamrock. Anyhow it +leads to dining-out, and business to fore being nothing more important +than voting a few millions sterling for the Navy, House almost empty. + +"So much the better for me," says GEORGIE HAMILTON, in charge of Navy +Estimates; "the fewer Members the more Votes." + +So it proved. Whilst GEORGIE descanting on excellence of Naval +Administration, House so empty that Count moved. A little hard this on a +Minister in charge of most important department of State; but, after +all, Votes were the thing, and Votes were taken hand-over-hand. +GEORGIE'S oration being cut short by attempt to Count he sat down, and +as quick as Chairman could put question L3,312,500 of our hard-earned +money was voted. Hadn't been in the House five minutes when bang went +another million. Only half-a-dozen of us present, including WILSON of +Hull, who sat on edge of Bench, with hat in hand, staring at COURTNEY, +as he ticked off million after million. For myself, as representing a +Constituency of the Gentlemen of England, grew rather to like it. +Something exhilarating in the consciousness that you, being one of eight +Members representing the House of Commons, can say "Aye" or "No" to +proposal to vote a million sterling more or less. "The question is," +says COURTNEY, "that a sum not exceeding L1,103,200 be voted to HER +MAJESTY on account of sums falling due for victualling, clothing and +Naval establishments. Those that are of that opinion, say 'Aye;' +contrary 'No.'" + +Well, what shall you do? Pretty stiff sum; get a pretty lot of victuals +for the million; several suits of clothes for the L103,000. Should you, +just to show your independence, knock off the odd L200? No. Barks likes +the thing done generously. Why throw in a note of discord? Besides, it +doesn't all come out of your pocket. So you say "Aye;" GEORGIE HAMILTON +nods in grateful appreciation; COURTNEY seems relieved; the thing's +done, and you walk out with a glowing consciousness of having behaved +handsomely. + +Slight coolness sprung up between OLD MORALITY and GRANDOLPH. Of late +been on rather friendly terms, despite occasional kicking over of the +traces by GRANDOLPH. + +"Boys will be boys," OLD MORALITY says, smiling genially on his young +friend. To-day little hitch arisen; GRANDOLPH has sent to papers text of +his Memorandum addressed to FIRST LORD of TREASURY in 1888, warning them +against appointing Special Commission. GRANDOLPH, having set forth with +masterly force his objections to scheme, winds up with remark:--"These +reflections have been sketched out concisely. _If submitted to a +Statesman_, many more, and much graver reflections, would probably be +suggested." OLD MORALITY hadn't noticed it before; but now words in +print stare him in face, doesn't like it. "'Submitted to a Statesman,'" +he murmured--"what does the fellow mean? Weren't they submitted to Me?" + +_Business done._--Voted money by hands-full. + +_Tuesday._--As a means of suffusing Treasury Bench with hearty, +unaffected hilarity, nothing so effective as a defeat in Division Lobby. +Noticed this twice of late. The other night, when HAMLEY'S Motion on +behalf of Volunteers was, _malgre lui_, carried against the Government, +you'd have thought, to look on Treasury Bench, that some good news had +suddenly flashed upon them. OLD MORALITY beaming with smiles; STANHOPE +smirking; and even the countenance of JOKIM convulsively working with +what was understood to be signs of merriment. Same thing happened +to-night. BUCHANAN brought forward Motion proposing to intrust to County +Councils duty of maintaining and protecting rights of way in Scotland. +Scotch Members united in support of popular demand, only MARK STEWART +having his doubts. Even FINLAY made bold to hint Government would do +well to listen to demand. CHAMBERLAIN openly and effectively declared on +behalf of Resolution; Government seemed to be in tight place; OLD +MORALITY moved uneasily in seat; still it would never do to interfere +with Dukes and others furtively or openly engaged in the task of closing +up paths over mountains, or shutting off walks by the lakes. Very +awkward and inconsiderate of CHAMBERLAIN going off on this tack. + +"Can't eat your cake and have it, you know," OLD MORALITY said, +unconsciously forming the words on his copy of the Orders in large +copy-book hand, "Mustn't play fast and loose with custodians of the +Union. Oughtn't to look back when you put your hand to the plough. +Should go the whole hog or none." These and other comforting phrases he +wrote out in best copper-plate, filling up time whilst House cleared for +Division. But when Tellers came back, and it was known that Resolution +was carried against Government, clouds passed away. + +OLD MORALITY tore up his copy-book headings, thrust hands in pockets; +assumed truculently jovial air; nearly died of laughing when SPEAKER +announced figures showing Government had been defeated by 13. His +hilarity contagious. Mr. BIDDULPH standing for a moment in the doorway +below the shadow of the Gallery, looked on, his face slowly broadening +into responsive smile. + +"Well," said he, "of all the rollicking dogs I ever came across, there +never was a pack to equal Her Majesty's Ministers in the hour of +defeat." + +_Business done._--BUCHANAN'S Right of Way Motion carried against +Government by 110 against 97. + +_Wednesday._--"I like this quite quiet hour, TOBY," said the SPEAKER, as +I sat on the Treasury Bench, he at Table, waiting for a quorum. "It +gives me opportunity of reading in _Freeman's Journal verbatim_ reports +of speeches by TANNER, SHEEHY, and WILLIAM REDMOND. Heard them +delivered, of course; but there are some pleasures one likes to renew." + +Should have begun business at twelve; now getting on for one. ALBERT +ROLLIT in charge of Bankruptcy Bill with back to wall waiting for a +quorum. "Must see," he says, "if I can't frame Clause dealing specially +with Parliamentary proceedings. We shall shortly be bankrupt here if +this sort of thing goes on. Composition of four and a-half hours' +sitting on Wednesday afternoon scarcely enough to justify honourable +discharge." + +Everything comes to man who waits. Quorum came for ROLLIT. Numbers +increased as he proceeded with singularly lucid address, investing even +Bankruptcy with subtle charms. Gave the tone to thoroughly business +Debate; and, even in less than the maimed period of time allotted, had +carried his Bill through Second Reading. + +_Business done._--Bankruptcy Bill read Second Time. + +[Illustration: MAXIMS FOR THE BAR. No. III. + +"Never allow the Judge to bully you. On the contrary, be firm with +_him_."] + +_Thursday._--JOHN O'CONNOR pervading House with profoundest mystery. +When Orders of Day called on, JOHN rose to his full height (6 foot 4 of +human kindness and geniality), and said, "Mr. SPEAKER!" Motion was, that +House should go into Committee of Supply. According to New Rules, +SPEAKER leaves Chair without putting Question; Question not put, obvious +no one could discuss it. But here was JOHN insisting on catching the +SPEAKER'S eye. + +"Mr. SPEAKER!" he repeated, "I want to discuss some of the +irregularities of the Government." + +But SPEAKER had executed strategic retreat; Chair empty; JOHN standing +on tiptoe, followed retreating figure with despairing cry, "Mr. +SPEAKER!" House half hoped SPEAKER would return; dying with curiosity to +know what fresh irregularity on part of Government JOHN had discovered; +but no help for it. Chair empty; technically "No House;" and JOHN, +slowly subsiding, shutting up like a reluctant telescope, resumed seat. + +Prince ARTHUR, back from Golf at Eastbourne, looking better for his +holiday, lounged on Treasury Bench watching scene. "Alas!" he cried, +eyeing JOHN with dreamy glance, what time the fingers of his hand--a +strayed reveller--fitfully played with the rolled copy of his Orders, as +if it were his cherished Mandoline-- + + "Alas for those who never sing, + But die with all their music in them." + +_Business done._--Vote on Account passed. + +_Friday._--Lords had nice little "plant" on to-night. The SAGE OF QUEEN +ANNE'S GATE got first place in other House for Motion decreeing their +abolition. "Such larks!" says the MARKISS; "let's get up big debate here +on House of Commons subject; draw away their men; leave SAGE in lurch." + +So arranged Debate on Report of Parnell Commission for to-night. Full +dress affair; all the big guns to go off; Curiosity as to how they'd +treat too familiar subject. Plan answered admirably. Both shows running +together, Lords, as most novel entertainment, fuller spectacular +entertainment, drew the cake. Instead of crowded House that usually +waits when SAGE lunges at the Lords, beggarly array of empty Benches. +Rather depressing even for imperturbable SAGE. Little later, Members +finding things dull in Lords, came back in time to hear GEORGE CURZON. +Capital speech; sparkle on the top; but some quiet depths of closely +reasoned argument below. + +_Business done._--SAGE'S Motion for abolition of Lords negatived by 201 +Votes against 139. Thus reprieved, Lords ordered Report of Parnell +Commission to be duly recorded. + + * * * * * + +THE OLD BOND-STREET GALLERIES. + +WHY they are called the Old Bond-Street Galleries, when there is so much +that is new to be seen there, it is impossible to say. Why not call it +the New Gallery? Perhaps those trusty Tudors--who are rather more than +two doors off--Messrs. COMYNS CARR and HALLE, might object, and, even +then, only half the truth would be told. Let us ag-gravate them, and +call it the Ag-New Gallery at once! Unless it would be considered an +ag-rarian outrage, it would be impossible to give it a better ag-nomen. +Ha! ha! No matter what you call it, so long as you call and see the +collection of Water-colours. There is a vastly good "_Pygmalion and +Galatea_," by our own JOHN TENNIEL; there are some tender Idyls, by +FREDERICK WALKER, a delicious "_Reverie_," by LESLIE, a delightful +"_Pet_," by E. K. JOHNSON, wondrous Landscapes, by BIRKET FOSTER, a +riverain poem, by C. J. LEWIS, and Dutch Symphonies, by WILFRID BALL. +Sir JOHN GILBERT, T. S. COOPER, and F. DICKSEE, are well represented; +and among the earlier Water-colour Masters we may find such +distinguished names as J. M. W. TURNER, P. de WINT, COPLEY FIELDING, and +DAVID COX. There are lots of others, and, if you are left to browse amid +nearly three hundred excellent pictures, you ought to enjoy yourself +very much indeed, and find your mind so much improved when you come out, +that you will think it belongs to somebody else. In spite then of the +carping of CARR, and the hallucinations of HALLE, we declare this to be +the Ag-New Gallery. + + * * * * * + +"_LA Nona._"--Is the new malady fact or fiction? Don't know, but anyhow +it's your "Grandmother." + +[Illustration] + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +98, March 29, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 30739.txt or 30739.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/0/7/3/30739/ + +Produced by Neville Allen,Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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