diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 30739-8.txt | 1409 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 30739-8.zip | bin | 0 -> 27186 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 30739-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 893572 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 30739-h/30739-h.htm | 1617 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 30739-h/images/145.png | bin | 0 -> 20311 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 30739-h/images/146.png | bin | 0 -> 147945 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 30739-h/images/147a.png | bin | 0 -> 167915 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 30739-h/images/147b.png | bin | 0 -> 15045 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 30739-h/images/148a.png | bin | 0 -> 15529 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 30739-h/images/148b.png | bin | 0 -> 21112 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 30739-h/images/148c.png | bin | 0 -> 15919 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 30739-h/images/150.png | bin | 0 -> 55149 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 30739-h/images/153a.png | bin | 0 -> 40136 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 30739-h/images/153b.png | bin | 0 -> 52615 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 30739-h/images/154.png | bin | 0 -> 135914 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 30739-h/images/155.png | bin | 0 -> 135963 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 30739-h/images/156a.png | bin | 0 -> 38398 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 30739-h/images/156b.gif | bin | 0 -> 171 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 30739.txt | 1409 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 30739.zip | bin | 0 -> 27158 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 |
23 files changed, 4451 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/30739-8.txt b/30739-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..252e9dc --- /dev/null +++ b/30739-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1409 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, +March 29, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, March 29, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Cowley Burnand + +Release Date: December 22, 2009 [EBook #30739] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen,Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, + + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOLUME 98. + + MARCH 29, 1890. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS. + +No. IX.--UNDER THE HARROW. + +_A Conventional Comedy-Melodrama, in two Acts._ + +CHARACTERS. + + SIR POSHBURY PUDDOCK (_a haughty and high-minded Baronet_). + + VERBENA PUDDOCK (_his Daughter_). + + LORD BLESHUGH (_her Lover_). + + SPIKER (_a needy and unscrupulous Adventurer_). + + BLETHERS (_an ancient and attached Domestic_). + +ACT I.--SCENE--_The Morning Room, at Natterjack Hall, Toadley-le-Hole; +large window open at back, with heavy practicable sash._ + +[Illustration] + +_Enter_ BLETHERS. + +_Blethers._ Sir POSHBURY'S birthday to-day--his birthday!--and the +gentry giving of him presents. Oh, Lor! if they only knew what _I_ could +tell 'em!... Ah, and _must_ tell, too, before long--but not yet--not +yet! [_Exit._ + +_Enter_ Lord BLESHUGH _and_ VERBENA. + +_Verb._ Yes, Papa is forty to-day; (_innocently_) fancy living to _that_ +age! The tenants have presented him with a handsome jar of mixed +pickles, with an appropriate inscription. Papa is loved and respected by +every one. And I--well, I have made him a little housewife, containing +needles and thread.... See! [_Shows it._ + +_Lord Blesh. (tenderly)._ I say, I--I wish you would make _me_ a little +housewife! + + [_Comedy love-dialogue omitted owing to want of space._ + +_Verb._ Oh, do look!--there's Papa crossing the lawn with, oh, such a +horrid man following him! + +_Lord B._ Regular bounder. Shocking bad hat! + +_Verb._ Not so bad as his boots, and _they_ are not so bad as his face! +Why doesn't Papa order him to go away? Oh, he is actually inviting him +in! + +_Enter_ Sir POSHBURY, _gloomy and constrained, with_ SPIKER, _who is +jaunty, and somewhat over-familiar_. + +_Spiker (sitting on the piano, and dusting his boots with a +handkerchief)._ Cosy little shanty you've got here, PUDDOCK--very tasty! + +_Sir P. (with a gulp)._ I am--ha--delighted that you approve of it! Ah, +VERBENA! [_Kisses her on forehead._ + +_Spiker._ Your daughter, eh? Pooty gal. Introduce me. + + [_Sir_ POSH. _introduces him--with an effort_. + +_Verbena. (coldly)._ How do you do? Papa, did you know that the sashline +of this window was broken? If it is not mended, it will fall on +somebody's head, and perhaps kill him! + +_Sir. P. (absently)._ Yes--yes, it shall be attended to; but leave us, +my child, go. BLESHUGH, this--er--gentleman and I have business of +importance to discuss. + +_Spiker._ Don't let us drive you away, Miss; your Pa and me are only +talking over old times, that's all--eh, POSH? + +_Sir P. (in a tortured aside)._ Have a care, Sir, don't drive me too +far! (_To_ VERB.) Leave us, I say. (Lord B. and VERB. _go out, raising +their eyebrows_.) Now, Sir, what is this secret you profess to have +discovered? + +_Spiker._ Oh, a mere nothing. (_Takes out a cigar._) Got a light about +you? Thanks. Perhaps you don't recollect twenty-seven years ago this +very day, travelling from Edgware Road to Baker Street, by the +Underground Railway? + +_Sir P._ Perfectly; it was my thirteenth birthday, and I celebrated the +event by a visit to Madame TUSSAUD'S. + +_Spiker._ Exactly; it was your thirteenth birthday, and you travelled +second-class with a half-ticket--(_meaningly_)--on your thirteenth +birthday. + +_Sir P. (terribly agitated)._ Fiend that you are, how came you to learn +this? + +_Spiker._ Very simple. I was at that time in the temporary position of +ticket-collector at Baker Street. In the exuberance of boyhood, you +cheeked me. I swore to be even with you some day. + +_Sir P._ Even if--if your accusation were well-founded, how are you +going to prove it? + +_Sp._ Oh, that's easy! I preserved the half-ticket, on the chance that I +should require it as evidence hereafter. + +_Sir P. (aside)._ And so the one error of an otherwise blameless boyhood +has found me out--at last. (_To_ SPIKER.) I fear you not; my crime--if +crime indeed it was--is surely condoned by twenty-seven long years of +unimpeachable integrity! + +_Sp._ Bye-laws are bye-laws, old buck! there's no time limit in criminal +offences that ever _I_ heard of! Nothing can alter the fact that you, +being turned thirteen, obtained a half-ticket by a false representation +that you were under age. A line from me, even now, denouncing you to the +Traffic Superintendent, and I'm very much afraid---- + +_Sir P. (writhing)._ SPIKER, my--my dear friend, you won't do that--you +won't expose me? Think of my age, my position, my daughter! + +_Sp._ Ah, now you've touched the right chord! I _was_ thinking of your +daughter--a nice lady-like gal--I don't mind telling you she fetched me, +Sir, at the first glance. Give me her hand, and I burn the compromising +half-ticket before your eyes on our return from church after the +wedding. Come, that's a fair offer! + +_Sir P. (indignantly)._ My child, the ripening apple of my failing eye, +to be sacrificed to a blackmailing blackguard like you! Never while I +live! + +_Sp._ Just as you please; and, if you will kindly oblige me with writing +materials, I will just drop a line to the Traffic Superintendent---- + +_Sir P. (hoarsely)._ No, no; not _that_.... Wait, listen; I--I will +speak to my daughter. I promise nothing; but if her heart is still her +own to give, she may (mind, I do not say she _will_) be induced to link +her lot to yours, though I shall not attempt to influence her in any +way--in _any_ way. + +_Sp._ Well, you know your own business best, old Cockalorum. Here comes +the young lady, so I'll leave you to manage this delicate affair alone. +Ta-ta. I shan't be far off. + + [_Swaggers insolently out as_ VERB. _enters_. + +_Sir P._ My child, I have just received an offer for your hand. I know +not if you will consent? + +_Verb._ I can guess who has made that offer, and why. I consent with all +my heart, dear Papa. + +_Sir P._ Can I trust my ears! You consent? Noble girl! [_He embraces +her._ + +_Verb._ I was quite sure dear BLESHUGH meant to speak, and I _do_ love +him very much. + +_Sir P. (starting)._ It is not Lord BLESHUGH, my child, but Mr. SAMUEL +SPIKER, the gentleman (for he is at heart a gentleman) whom I introduced +to you just now. + +_Verb._ I have seen so little of him, Papa, I cannot love him--you must +really excuse me! + +_Sir P._ Ah, but you will, my darling, you _will_--I know your +unselfish nature--you will, to save your poor old dad from a terrible +disgrace ... yes, _disgrace_, listen! Twenty-seven years ago--(_he tells +her all_). VERBENA, at this very moment, there is a subscription on foot +in the county to present me with my photograph, done by an itinerant +photographer of the highest eminence, and framed and glazed ready for +hanging. Is that photograph never to know the nail which even now awaits +it? Can you not surrender a passing girlish fancy, to spare your fond +old father's fame? Mr. SPIKER is peculiar, perhaps, in many ways--not +quite of our _monde_--but he loves you sincerely, my child, and that is, +in itself, a recommendation. Ah, I see--my prayers are vain ... be +happy, then. As for me, let the police come--I am ready! [_Weeps._ + +_Verb._ Not so, Papa; I will marry this Mr. SPIKER, since it is your +wish. [Sir POSH. _dries his eyes_. + +_Sir P._ Here, SPIKER, my dear fellow, it is all right. Come in. She +accepts you. + +_Enter_ SPIKER. + +_Sp._ Thought she would. Sensible little gal! Well, Miss, you shan't +regret it. Bless you, we'll be as chummy together as a couple of little +dicky-birds! + +_Verb._ Mr. SPIKER, let us understand one another. I will do my best to +be a good wife to you--but chumminess is not mine to give, nor can I +promise ever to be your dicky-bird. + +_Enter_ Lord BLESHUGH. + +_Lord B._ Sir POSHBURY, may I have five minutes with you? VERBENA, you +need not go. (_Looking at_ SPIKER.) Perhaps this person will kindly +relieve us of his presence. + +_Sp._ Sorry to disoblige, old feller, but I'm on duty where Miss VERBENA +is now, you see, as she's just promised to be my wife. + +_Lord B._ _Your_ wife! + +_Verb. (faintly)._ Yes, Lord BLESHUGH, his _wife_! + +_Sir P._ Yes, my poor boy, _his_ wife! + + [VERBENA _totters, and falls heavily in a dead faint_, R.C., _upsetting +a flower-stand_; Lord BLESHUGH _staggers, and swoons on sofa_, C., +_overturning a table of knicknacks_; Sir POSHBURY _sinks into chair_, +L.C., _and covers his face with his hands_. + +_Sp. (looking down on them triumphantly)._ Under the Harrow, by Gad! +Under the Harrow! [_Curtain, and end of Act I._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STRIKING HOME.] + +_Punch loquitur:_-- + + WELL, you have got your way, my lad, + And may it prove good all round. + Liberal pay is your right, I say, + For your grim work underground. + + Rise of pay and a shorter day? + Excellent things, belike, + Yet would they were sought in another way + Than the cruel road of a Strike. + + I see you've been having a smoke, my lad; + What did you see in the smoke? + Why, some things good, and many things bad, + And nought that is matter for joke. + + At every puff there's a picture of gloom, + A moral in every pull. + Motionless wheels and idle loom, + What is their meaning in full? + + Capital's greed and Labour's need + These be fair matters for fight. + _Must_ Trade, though, suffer and poor hearts bleed? + _Must_ wrong be the road to right? + + Glad there is talk of a better way, + Truly 'tis worth the search; + For little you'll profit by higher pay + If Commerce be left in the lurch. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PROSPECTS FOR THE COMING SEASON. + +THE LIONS ARE DECIDEDLY SMALL THIS YEAR, BUT THE BEAUTIES ARE FINER, +LARGER, AND MORE LIKE EACH OTHER THAN EVER.] + + * * * * * + +A BOAT-RACE VISION. + +[Illustration] + +(_By an Oxbridge Enthusiast._) + + WINDS from the East may provoke us, + Making us angry and ill, + Dust of the Equinox choke us, + Yet we will welcome thee still, + Spring, now the runnels of primrose and crocus + Trickle all over the hill; + + Now, when the willow and osier + Flicker in diffident green; + Now, when the poplars are rosier, + When the first daisies are seen, + And the windows of draper and hosier + Are bright with their 'Varsity sheen. + + "Not what it was, Sir, in my time," + Grumbles a fogey, or two; + "Then we had really a high-time, + Lord, what mad things we would do! + Skylarking! Well, it was sky-time. + Blue! It was nothing but blue!" + + Well, let the people and papers + Say what it please them to say, + Shops of the politic drapers + Follow them, sombre or gay, + "Men" be austere, or cut capers, + Still 'tis a glorious day! + + * * * + + Visions of Sandford or Ely, + Baitsbite, or Abingdon Lock, + Skies that are stormy or steely, + Seas that we ship with a shock, + "Coaches," whose mouths are not mealy, + "Faithfuls," who riverward flock, + + Mornings, inclement and early, + Stinted tobacco and beer, + Tutors reluctant and surly, + "Finals" unpleasantly near-- + All are forgot in the hurly-- + Lo! the long looked-for is here! + + Now, at the start, as I'm eyeing + The back, that I know like a friend, + I wonder which flag will be flying + In front at the winning-post bend-- + Shall we triumph, or, fruitlessly trying, + Row it out, game to the end? + + Point after point we are clearing, + Mile after mile we have sped; + Multiplied roaring and cheering + Sound as they sound to the dead. + Surely the end we are nearing! + Yes, but I know _they_'re ahead! + + Then is the toiling and straining + Out of the tail of my eye + Somehow I see we are gaining-- + Look at the wash running by! + Now, in the minutes remaining, + Somehow we'll do it, or die. + + There are blades flashing beside us, + Dropping astern one by one. + Now they creep up--they have tied us-- + No! The spurt dies--they are done! + Gods of the 'Varsity guide us!-- + Bang! "Easy all!" We have won! + + * * * * * + +THE Coal Strike was easily settled, as all that had to be discussed were +"Miner Considerations." + + * * * * * + +"FOR THIS RELIEF, MUCH THANKS!" + + "As a sign of this gratitude, I confer upon you the dignity of Duke + of LAUENBURG, and shall also send you my life-sized Portrait."--_The + German Emperor to Prince Bismarck._ + + GOD bless you, dear Prince! Since your purpose is fixed, + It is useless, I know, to dissuade you. + I permit you to go, though my feelings are mixed, + And unmake, as my grandfather made, you. + Yet deem not ungrateful your Emperor and King; + Let me pay you my thanks at the Court rate. + So I make you a Duke, ere I let you take wing, + And, O Prince, I will send you my Portrait! + + O Pilot undaunted, brave heart and strong hand + When our planks were all riven asunder, + You alone grasped the helm, and took boldly your stand, + Nor blanched at the blast and the thunder. + And now, safe in port, we award you a prize + Of a value that men of your sort rate. + So, Prince, I will have myself painted life-size + Every inch, and I'll send you the Portrait. + + Fresh storms may be brewing. I'll face them myself. + I am young, and, O Prince, you grow older. + Stay ashore, if you wish it, retire to the shelf, + And let those steer the ship who are bolder. + Yet it shall not be said that, in parting from you, + Your King gave his thanks at a short rate; + So be henceforth a Duke, and accept as your due + What I gratefully grant you--my Portrait! + + * * * * * + +A RATEPAYER'S REPLY. + +_To Mr. Stanhope's Latest Serio-comic, Patriotic Song._ + +[Illustration] + + YOUR story's good, STANHOPE, as far as it runs, + For JOHN BULL, at last, looks like getting his guns. + But though you talk big on the strength of the four + With which you've just managed to arm Singapore, + We would like you to state precisely how long + 'Twill take you to get the next batch to Hong Kong! + For you talk in a not very confident way + Of those that are destined to guard Table Bay. + Your speech, too, with doubt seems decidedly laden, + When noting the present defences of Aden. + Though you finish the list with the news, meant to cheer + That Ceylon "should be" safe by the end of the year. + You think, to sum up, that a gratified nation + Should greet your glad statement with wild jubilation! + Well, the country does not get too often a chance + Of an honest excuse for a genuine dance, + And would step it quite gladly, if only assured + It could once from old dodges feel safely secured, + Being certain its guns, before setting to caper, + Do not exist merely on War-Office paper! + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +[Illustration] + +SOCIAL. + +"_You are one of the few people with whom I can really enjoy a quiet +talk, all to our two selves_;" _i.e._, "I should be very sorry to +introduce you to any of _my_ set." + +"_What, YOU here?_"; _i.e._, "Wonder how the deuce this confounded cad +got an invitation." + +"_Ah, by the way, just let me introduce you to Farrodust. You two +fellows ought to know each other_;" _i.e._, "Call that killing two +_bores_ with one stone." + +"_Thanks for a most delightful evening. So sorry to have to run away_;" +_i.e._, "Bored to extinction, and fairly famished. Must run down to the +Club for a snack and a smoke." + +"_I'll look at my list when I get home_;" _i.e._, "You don't catch me." + +"_Drop in any day_;" _i.e._, "When the chances are I shan't be in." + +"_No party_;" _i.e._, "Must ask him, and do it as cheaply as possible." + +"_Come as you are_;" _i.e._, "Be careful to wear evening dress." + +"_Don't trouble to answer_;" _i.e._, "Think it very rude if you don't." + +"_What! going already!_" _i.e._, "Thank goodness! Thought she'd never +move." + +"_What a fine child!_" _i.e._, "Don't know whether the brat is a boy or +girl, but must say something." + +(_To be continued._) + + * * * * * + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-Writer._) + +No. VI.--THE POLITICAL WOMAN. + +THE Political Woman is one upon whom, if she may be believed, the world +has never smiled. She avenges herself by recounting her wrongs and those +of her sex to all who can be induced to listen to her. In early youth +she will have taught herself by a superficial study of political history +that all great movements have depended for their success upon Women, and +that men, though they may ride on the whirlwind have had but little hand +in directing the storm. The base ingratitude which has hitherto attended +feminine effort in general, has aroused in her breast a quite particular +and personal resentment against all men who have the misfortune to +disagree with her. Hence it comes that the males who bask in the +sunshine of her approval are but few. It is noticeable, that although +she openly despises men, she makes herself, and wishes to make her +fellow women as masculine as is compatible with the wearing of +petticoats, and the cultivation of habitual inaccuracy of mind. +Moreover, although she has a fine contempt, of which she makes no +concealment, for most women, she selects as the associates of her +political enterprises and her daily life, only those men whose cast of +mind would suit better with the wearing of gowns than of trousers. + +[Illustration] + +The Political Woman is far removed from the ordinary members of Primrose +Leagues and Women's Federations, with whom the country abounds. Her +over-mastering political appetite would find no satisfaction in the mere +wearing of badges, the distribution of blankets, the passing of +common-place resolutions, or the fearful joy of knowing a secret +password and countersign. Such trifles are, in her opinion, mere whets +for the political banquet. For herself she requires far stronger meat. +From the fact, that the race of women is in physical energy inferior to +that of men, she has apparently deduced as an axiom, that nature +intended them to be equal in every respect. Few women agree with her, +fewer still show any desire for the supposed boons to the attainment of +which she is constantly urging them. Yet, the knowledge of these facts +only seems to render the Political Woman more determined in the +prosecution of her quest, and more bitter in her attacks upon men. + +At school the Political Woman will have been highly thought of as a +writer of vigorous essays, in which unconventional opinions were +expressed, in ungrammatical language. She will have formed a Debating +Society amongst her fellow-pupils, and, having caused herself to be +elected perpetual President, she will leave the Presidential arm-chair +at the beginning of every debate, in order to demolish by anticipation +all who may venture to speak after her. She will play various kinds of +music upon the piano with a uniform vigour that would serve well for the +beating of carpets, and will express much scorn for the feeble beings +who use the soft pedal, or indulge in the luxury of a "touch." + +Having left school with an ill-assorted mass of miscellaneous knowledge, +she will show her contempt for ordinary feminine accomplishments by +refusing to attend dances, and by crushing mild young men whom +misfortune may have thrown in her way. Having discovered from one of +these that he imagines the Rebecca Riots to be an incident of Old +Testament History, and has no definite views upon the currency question, +she will observe, in a tone of some bitterness, that "These are our +Governors!" and, having left him in a state of collapse, will scale the +ramparts of political discussion, in company with a Professor, who +happens to be unmarried and a Member of Parliament. After making love +for some months, by means of an interchange of political tracts, these +two will be married in a registrar's office, and will spend their +honeymoon in investigating the social requirements of Italian +organ-grinders. + +From this moment she exists chiefly as a Member or President of +innumerable Committees. No sooner does the shadow of a political idea +flit through her brain, than she forms a Committee to promote its +development. When not engaged in forming or in sitting upon Committees, +she occupies herself in delivering lectures "to Women only," or in +discussing the Woman's Suffrage question with the Member of Parliament +for her district (whom she despises) by means of letters, which she +subsequently publishes in the journal of which she is, by this time, the +proprietor, editor, and staff combined. + +In a regrettable moment of absent-mindedness she bore to the Professor a +son, whom she brings up on Spartan principles, and little else. Her home +is a centre of slatternly discomfort. She rises early, but, having +locked herself into her study, for the better composition of a discourse +on "The Sacred Right of Revolt for Women," she forgets that both the tea +and the coffee are locked in with her, and learns subsequently with +surprise, but without regret, that her husband drank water to his +breakfast. She then proceeds to regenerate the working-man, by proving +to him, that his wife is a miserable creature for submitting to his +sway, and rouses an audience of spectacled enthusiasts to frenzy by +proclaiming, that she is ready to lead them to the tented field for the +assertion of rights which the malignity of men has filched from them. +Later on, she presides over her various Committees, and she returns home +to find that her child has burnt himself by falling on to the +dining-room fire, and that her cook has given warning. + +She will eventually fail to be elected a member of the School Board, and +having written a strong book on a delicate social question, will die of +the shock of seeing it adversely reviewed in _The Spectator_. + + * * * * * + +PLAYING DARK. + +(_New Style._) + +[Illustration] + +THE great success which, in their own estimation, has attended the +endeavour to establish a series of Night Field Sports in the +neighbourhood of Melton Mowbray, so dashingly led off recently with a +regular across country Steeple Chase, "by lamplight," has, it is said, +induced the spirited organisers to extend their field of experiment; and +it is alleged that tennis, golf, hockey, and football are all to be +tried in turn, under the new conditions. That some excitement may be +reasonably looked for from the projected contests may be gathered from a +reference to the subjoined score, put on paper by the newly constituted +"Melton Mowbray Midnight Eleven," who, in a recent trial of strength +with a distinguished local Club, it will be seen, showed some capital, +if original play, in meeting their opponents in the national game, +conducted under what must have been necessarily somewhat novel and +unfamiliar conditions. + +The boundaries of the field in which the wickets were pitched were +marked out with night-lights, the only other illumination being supplied +by a couple of moderator lamps, held respectively by the Umpire and +Square-leg. The costume, of course, comprised a night-shirt and a pair +of bed-room slippers, with which was also worn a pink +dressing-gown,--pink being the colour adopted by the Club. Owing to the +absence of any moon, and also to the fact that the night was a rather +boisterous one, on account of the persistency both of wind and rain, the +play suffered from some disadvantages. However, the Eleven went pluckily +to the wicket with the following result:-- + +Mr. GEORGE P-G-T, mistaking, in the obscurity, the Umpire for + his wicket, gets out of his ground, and is instantly + stumped out 0 + +Mr. SYDNEY P-G-T treads on his wicket 0 + +Mr. OTTO P-G-T takes the Wicket-keeper's head for the ball, + and trying to "play it to leg," gives it in consequence such + a severe blow, that he is obliged to accompany the Wicket-keeper + in a cab to a hospital without finishing his innings 0 + +Mr. W. CH-PL-N treads on his wicket 0 + +Count Z-BR-SKI makes 497 in one hit. The ball being, however, + only three yards off, but escaping notice, owing to the darkness, + he is kept on the move for twenty-nine min. and a half 497 + +Mr. A. B-RN-BY stumbles over his wicket 0 + +Mr. G. W-LS-N sits on his wicket 0 + +Captain R-B-NS-N run out through losing his way in trying to + find the wicket 0 + +Mr. E. H-N-AGE trying a forward drive, but not able to see, + plays the whole of his wicket into the face of cover-point, + whom he severely bruises, and is, consequently, given out 0 + +Captain W-RN-R takes the Long-stop for the Bowler; and, so + getting the wrong side of his wicket, is bowled out in + his first over 0 + +Mr. MCN-L misled by the lights on the adjacent hedges, making + a hit, loses his way in trying a run; and finally, wandering + into a neighbouring field, unable to make his way in the + dark, rests in a ditch, in which he ultimately goes to sleep,--Not + Out 0 + +Wides (bowled chiefly at the Umpire). 1322 +Byes, &c. 704 + ---- + 2523 + +At the conclusion of the innings, as daylight was beginning to break, it +was determined to draw the stumps, it being settled that play should be +resumed on the following midnight, when the opposing team were to take +their turn at the wicket. + + * * * * * + +"POUR LES BEAUX YEUX."--Last week Dr. OGLE lectured excellently well +and very wisely on the statistics of marriage in England. Altogether, +it appears that this is not a marrying age. Those young men and maidens +who are in search of partners for life, must keep their eyes open, +and----Ogle. Very leery advice would be expected from anyone of the name +of OGLE. + + * * * * * + +ROBERT ON THE BOAT-RACE. + +AT the moment as I rites on the most importentest ewent of the hopening +Spring, the warst majority of the four millions on us is a passing their +days and nites in wundering which blew side will win. Why they is both +blew, puzzles me. If so be as they was both saleing boats, in course I +coud unnerstand it, but, as they ain't, I gives up the puzzle, and gos +a-head. + +By the by, BROWN has given me a strate tip, which I ginerously gives to +all my numerus readers. If it's a nice _light_ day, Cambrige will +suttenly win; but if it's a dull, _dark_ day, Hoxford will suttenly not +lose. So if any of my frends drops their money, it suttenly won't be my +fault. + +I remember as one year we had 'em all to dinner at the Manshun House +after the Race, and werry remarkabel fine appytites they all seemed to +have, winners and loosers alike. I spose as Hoxford lost that time, and +most likely from the same cause. For I remembers as the Company werry +kindly drunk the elth of the man who pulled the ropes on that occasion, +and he was just sech another little feller as the won as lost last year, +and wen he returned thanks he sed werry wisely, I thort, as he shood +never pull the ropes again in a great match, for if your boat won nobody +didn't give you no praise for it, but if it lost, everybody said as it +was your fault. + +I seed a good many of my respected Paytrons on that ocasion a injoying +of theirselves in their serveral ways. The _Maria Wood_ state Barge was +there in all her glory, and plenty of gay company aboard, including +several members of the honoured Copperashun. In fack you ginerally sees +a fair number on 'em when there's anythink a going forred, whether of a +usefool or a hornymental caracter. One or two other wessels carried +their onered flag. But I looked in wane for any, the werry slightest, +simptom of the County Counsel of London having put in a appearance. Poor +Fellers, what with plenty of dull, dry hard work, and not a partikle of +rashnal injoyment, no not ewen such a trifle as a bit of free wittles or +a drop of free drink, what will they be looking like at the end of their +second year of hoffis? Why it's my beleef as their werry best frends +won' kno 'em. No wunder as they all wants to get free admissions to all +the Theaters and Music Alls. Rayther shabby idear for a full blown +County Counsellor, when a shilling will take him amost anywheres. + +[Illustration] + +I thinks upon the hole as I prefers a Boat Race to an Horse Race. In the +fust place the grand excitement lasts much longer, in the nex place of +course their ain't no crewel whipping and spurring of the two gallant +Crews to make 'em go faster than possible, in the nex place their ain't +not no dust, and what a blessed loss that is I spose most on us knows by +his own blinded xperience, in the nex place there ain't but werry little +showting and borling and skreaming, and far beyond all, one is abel +direckly after the race is over, insted of rushing off to a scrowged +tent and paying 3_s._ 6_d._ for a bit of cold beef, werry Carelessly +served, to set down carmly and comfortably in one's littel cabbin, and +partake in peas and quiet of all the good things as kind friends has +purvided, while gliding smoothly along our own butifool River a returnin +to that peacefool home to witch one's thorts allers naterally turns wen +the plesure or the bizziness of the day is all over, and our strengths +is replenisht with plenty of good wittles and drink. + + ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +"GO TO BATH!"--Yes, to make sketches and flattering comments, but not to +ridicule the dulness and dinginess of the place, or the local papers +will "slate" you. They don't like "the New Bath Guy'd!" + + * * * * * + +"LENTEN ENTERTAINMENT."--Going to see SUCCI the fasting man. By the way, +very wrong of SUCCI not to avail himself of the Papal dispensation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HOUSE OF COMMONS FROM TOBY'S PRIVATE BOX.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "NONE BUT THE BRAVE DESERVE THE FARE." + +_The Rector's Wife (at School-Feast, to one of the Boys, who had been +doing very "good business")._ "WHAT'S THE MATTER, NOGGINS? DON'T YOU +FEEL WELL?" + +_Noggins._ "NO, M'M,--BUT--I'LL HEV--TO BE WUSS, M'M--AFORE I GIVE IN!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DROPPING THE PILOT.] + + * * * + +DROPPING THE PILOT. + + GREAT Pilot, whom so many storms have tried, + To see thee quit the helm at last, at last, + And slow descend that vessel's stately side, + Whilst yet waves surge and skies are overcast, + Wakes wondering memories of that mighty past, + Shaped by a guiding hand, + Strong to direct as strenuous to command. + When yet did a great ship on the great sea + Drop Pilot like to thee? + + The "wakeful Palinurus" of old song + Drowsed at the last, and floods his corpse did whelm; + But thou hast ever been alert as strong, + Pilot who never slumbered at the helm. + Impetuous youth aspires to rear a realm, + And the State-bark to steer + In other fashion. Is it faith or fear + Fills the old Pilot's spirit as he moves + Slow from the post he loves? + + No "branch in Lethe dipped by Morpheus" slacks + This Pilot's sight, or vanquishes his force. + The ship he leaves may steer on other tacks; + Will the new Palinurus hold her course + With hand as firm and skill of such resource? + He who, Æneas-like, + Now takes the helm himself, perchance may strike + On sunken shoals, or wish, on the wild main, + The old Pilot back again. + + These things are on the knees of the great gods; + But, hap what hap, that slow-descending form, + Which oft hath stood with winds and waves at odds, + And almost single-handed braved the storm, + Shows an heroic shape; and high hearts warm + To that stout grim-faced bulk + Of manhood looming large against the hulk + Of the great Ship, whose course, at fate's commands, + He leaves to lesser hands! + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, March 17._--St. Patrick's Day in the evening. +Every Irish Member carries in buttonhole bit of withered grass; at least +looks like withered grass. DICK POWER says it's shamrock. Anyhow it +leads to dining-out, and business to fore being nothing more important +than voting a few millions sterling for the Navy, House almost empty. + +"So much the better for me," says GEORGIE HAMILTON, in charge of Navy +Estimates; "the fewer Members the more Votes." + +So it proved. Whilst GEORGIE descanting on excellence of Naval +Administration, House so empty that Count moved. A little hard this on a +Minister in charge of most important department of State; but, after +all, Votes were the thing, and Votes were taken hand-over-hand. +GEORGIE'S oration being cut short by attempt to Count he sat down, and +as quick as Chairman could put question £3,312,500 of our hard-earned +money was voted. Hadn't been in the House five minutes when bang went +another million. Only half-a-dozen of us present, including WILSON of +Hull, who sat on edge of Bench, with hat in hand, staring at COURTNEY, +as he ticked off million after million. For myself, as representing a +Constituency of the Gentlemen of England, grew rather to like it. +Something exhilarating in the consciousness that you, being one of eight +Members representing the House of Commons, can say "Aye" or "No" to +proposal to vote a million sterling more or less. "The question is," +says COURTNEY, "that a sum not exceeding £1,103,200 be voted to HER +MAJESTY on account of sums falling due for victualling, clothing and +Naval establishments. Those that are of that opinion, say 'Aye;' +contrary 'No.'" + +Well, what shall you do? Pretty stiff sum; get a pretty lot of victuals +for the million; several suits of clothes for the £103,000. Should you, +just to show your independence, knock off the odd £200? No. Barks likes +the thing done generously. Why throw in a note of discord? Besides, it +doesn't all come out of your pocket. So you say "Aye;" GEORGIE HAMILTON +nods in grateful appreciation; COURTNEY seems relieved; the thing's +done, and you walk out with a glowing consciousness of having behaved +handsomely. + +Slight coolness sprung up between OLD MORALITY and GRANDOLPH. Of late +been on rather friendly terms, despite occasional kicking over of the +traces by GRANDOLPH. + +"Boys will be boys," OLD MORALITY says, smiling genially on his young +friend. To-day little hitch arisen; GRANDOLPH has sent to papers text of +his Memorandum addressed to FIRST LORD of TREASURY in 1888, warning them +against appointing Special Commission. GRANDOLPH, having set forth with +masterly force his objections to scheme, winds up with remark:--"These +reflections have been sketched out concisely. _If submitted to a +Statesman_, many more, and much graver reflections, would probably be +suggested." OLD MORALITY hadn't noticed it before; but now words in +print stare him in face, doesn't like it. "'Submitted to a Statesman,'" +he murmured--"what does the fellow mean? Weren't they submitted to Me?" + +_Business done._--Voted money by hands-full. + +_Tuesday._--As a means of suffusing Treasury Bench with hearty, +unaffected hilarity, nothing so effective as a defeat in Division Lobby. +Noticed this twice of late. The other night, when HAMLEY'S Motion on +behalf of Volunteers was, _malgré lui_, carried against the Government, +you'd have thought, to look on Treasury Bench, that some good news had +suddenly flashed upon them. OLD MORALITY beaming with smiles; STANHOPE +smirking; and even the countenance of JOKIM convulsively working with +what was understood to be signs of merriment. Same thing happened +to-night. BUCHANAN brought forward Motion proposing to intrust to County +Councils duty of maintaining and protecting rights of way in Scotland. +Scotch Members united in support of popular demand, only MARK STEWART +having his doubts. Even FINLAY made bold to hint Government would do +well to listen to demand. CHAMBERLAIN openly and effectively declared on +behalf of Resolution; Government seemed to be in tight place; OLD +MORALITY moved uneasily in seat; still it would never do to interfere +with Dukes and others furtively or openly engaged in the task of closing +up paths over mountains, or shutting off walks by the lakes. Very +awkward and inconsiderate of CHAMBERLAIN going off on this tack. + +"Can't eat your cake and have it, you know," OLD MORALITY said, +unconsciously forming the words on his copy of the Orders in large +copy-book hand, "Mustn't play fast and loose with custodians of the +Union. Oughtn't to look back when you put your hand to the plough. +Should go the whole hog or none." These and other comforting phrases he +wrote out in best copper-plate, filling up time whilst House cleared for +Division. But when Tellers came back, and it was known that Resolution +was carried against Government, clouds passed away. + +OLD MORALITY tore up his copy-book headings, thrust hands in pockets; +assumed truculently jovial air; nearly died of laughing when SPEAKER +announced figures showing Government had been defeated by 13. His +hilarity contagious. Mr. BIDDULPH standing for a moment in the doorway +below the shadow of the Gallery, looked on, his face slowly broadening +into responsive smile. + +"Well," said he, "of all the rollicking dogs I ever came across, there +never was a pack to equal Her Majesty's Ministers in the hour of +defeat." + +_Business done._--BUCHANAN'S Right of Way Motion carried against +Government by 110 against 97. + +_Wednesday._--"I like this quite quiet hour, TOBY," said the SPEAKER, as +I sat on the Treasury Bench, he at Table, waiting for a quorum. "It +gives me opportunity of reading in _Freeman's Journal verbatim_ reports +of speeches by TANNER, SHEEHY, and WILLIAM REDMOND. Heard them +delivered, of course; but there are some pleasures one likes to renew." + +Should have begun business at twelve; now getting on for one. ALBERT +ROLLIT in charge of Bankruptcy Bill with back to wall waiting for a +quorum. "Must see," he says, "if I can't frame Clause dealing specially +with Parliamentary proceedings. We shall shortly be bankrupt here if +this sort of thing goes on. Composition of four and a-half hours' +sitting on Wednesday afternoon scarcely enough to justify honourable +discharge." + +Everything comes to man who waits. Quorum came for ROLLIT. Numbers +increased as he proceeded with singularly lucid address, investing even +Bankruptcy with subtle charms. Gave the tone to thoroughly business +Debate; and, even in less than the maimed period of time allotted, had +carried his Bill through Second Reading. + +_Business done._--Bankruptcy Bill read Second Time. + +[Illustration: MAXIMS FOR THE BAR. No. III. + +"Never allow the Judge to bully you. On the contrary, be firm with +_him_."] + +_Thursday._--JOHN O'CONNOR pervading House with profoundest mystery. +When Orders of Day called on, JOHN rose to his full height (6 foot 4 of +human kindness and geniality), and said, "Mr. SPEAKER!" Motion was, that +House should go into Committee of Supply. According to New Rules, +SPEAKER leaves Chair without putting Question; Question not put, obvious +no one could discuss it. But here was JOHN insisting on catching the +SPEAKER'S eye. + +"Mr. SPEAKER!" he repeated, "I want to discuss some of the +irregularities of the Government." + +But SPEAKER had executed strategic retreat; Chair empty; JOHN standing +on tiptoe, followed retreating figure with despairing cry, "Mr. +SPEAKER!" House half hoped SPEAKER would return; dying with curiosity to +know what fresh irregularity on part of Government JOHN had discovered; +but no help for it. Chair empty; technically "No House;" and JOHN, +slowly subsiding, shutting up like a reluctant telescope, resumed seat. + +Prince ARTHUR, back from Golf at Eastbourne, looking better for his +holiday, lounged on Treasury Bench watching scene. "Alas!" he cried, +eyeing JOHN with dreamy glance, what time the fingers of his hand--a +strayed reveller--fitfully played with the rolled copy of his Orders, as +if it were his cherished Mandoline-- + + "Alas for those who never sing, + But die with all their music in them." + +_Business done._--Vote on Account passed. + +_Friday._--Lords had nice little "plant" on to-night. The SAGE OF QUEEN +ANNE'S GATE got first place in other House for Motion decreeing their +abolition. "Such larks!" says the MARKISS; "let's get up big debate here +on House of Commons subject; draw away their men; leave SAGE in lurch." + +So arranged Debate on Report of Parnell Commission for to-night. Full +dress affair; all the big guns to go off; Curiosity as to how they'd +treat too familiar subject. Plan answered admirably. Both shows running +together, Lords, as most novel entertainment, fuller spectacular +entertainment, drew the cake. Instead of crowded House that usually +waits when SAGE lunges at the Lords, beggarly array of empty Benches. +Rather depressing even for imperturbable SAGE. Little later, Members +finding things dull in Lords, came back in time to hear GEORGE CURZON. +Capital speech; sparkle on the top; but some quiet depths of closely +reasoned argument below. + +_Business done._--SAGE'S Motion for abolition of Lords negatived by 201 +Votes against 139. Thus reprieved, Lords ordered Report of Parnell +Commission to be duly recorded. + + * * * * * + +THE OLD BOND-STREET GALLERIES. + +WHY they are called the Old Bond-Street Galleries, when there is so much +that is new to be seen there, it is impossible to say. Why not call it +the New Gallery? Perhaps those trusty Tudors--who are rather more than +two doors off--Messrs. COMYNS CARR and HALLÉ, might object, and, even +then, only half the truth would be told. Let us ag-gravate them, and +call it the Ag-New Gallery at once! Unless it would be considered an +ag-rarian outrage, it would be impossible to give it a better ag-nomen. +Ha! ha! No matter what you call it, so long as you call and see the +collection of Water-colours. There is a vastly good "_Pygmalion and +Galatea_," by our own JOHN TENNIEL; there are some tender Idyls, by +FREDERICK WALKER, a delicious "_Reverie_," by LESLIE, a delightful +"_Pet_," by E. K. JOHNSON, wondrous Landscapes, by BIRKET FOSTER, a +riverain poem, by C. J. LEWIS, and Dutch Symphonies, by WILFRID BALL. +Sir JOHN GILBERT, T. S. COOPER, and F. DICKSEE, are well represented; +and among the earlier Water-colour Masters we may find such +distinguished names as J. M. W. TURNER, P. de WINT, COPLEY FIELDING, and +DAVID COX. There are lots of others, and, if you are left to browse amid +nearly three hundred excellent pictures, you ought to enjoy yourself +very much indeed, and find your mind so much improved when you come out, +that you will think it belongs to somebody else. In spite then of the +carping of CARR, and the hallucinations of HALLÉ, we declare this to be +the Ag-New Gallery. + + * * * * * + +"_LA Nona._"--Is the new malady fact or fiction? Don't know, but anyhow +it's your "Grandmother." + +[Illustration] + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +98, March 29, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 30739-8.txt or 30739-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/0/7/3/30739/ + +Produced by Neville Allen,Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/30739-8.zip b/30739-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..721ce64 --- /dev/null +++ b/30739-8.zip diff --git a/30739-h.zip b/30739-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..df3aef9 --- /dev/null +++ b/30739-h.zip diff --git a/30739-h/30739-h.htm b/30739-h/30739-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..52d70f9 --- /dev/null +++ b/30739-h/30739-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1617 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, March 29, 1890. by Various</title> + <style type="text/css"> + body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + p {text-align: justify;} + blockquote {text-align: justify;} + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + .center {text-align: center;} + td {padding-left: 1em;} + td.note {text-align: left;font-size: 0.9em; font-weight: normal; border: 1px dashed; padding: 1em;} + hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + hr.full {width: 100%;} + html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + hr.medium {width: 76%;} + html>body hr.medium {margin-right: 12%; margin-left: 12%; width: 76%;} + hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + div.centered {text-align: center;} /* work around for IE centering with CSS problem part 1 */ + div.centered table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: left;} + /* work around for IE centering with CSS problem part 2 */ + .note, .footnote {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + span.pagenum + {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt; text-indent: 0;} + + .poem + {margin-left:25%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .poem1 + {margin-left:35%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .poem1 .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem1 p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem1 p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + .poem1 p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + .poem1 p.i6 {margin-left: 3em;} + .poem1 p.i8 {margin-left: 4em;} + .poem1 p.i10 {margin-left: 5em;} + + .drama {margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} + .drama p {margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em;; padding-left: 2em; text-indent: -2em;} + .drama p.i2 {margin: 0; margin-left: 1em;} + .drama p.i4 {margin: 0; margin-left: 2em;} + .drama p.i6 {margin: 0; margin-left: 3em;} + .drama p.i8 {margin: 0; margin-left: 4em;} + .drama p.i10 {margin: 0; margin-left: 5em;} + + .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft + {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;} + .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img + {border: none;} + .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p + {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;} + .figcenter {margin: auto;} + .figright {float: right; width: auto;} + .figleft {float: left; width: auto;} + + .img {margin: 0; padding-right: 0;} + .div {margin: 0; padding: 0;} + + .inline {border: none; vertical-align: middle;} + + p.author {text-align: right;} + + .regards {text-align: right; + margin-right: 4em;} + + .salute {text-align: left; + margin-left: 2em;} + .bracket3 {font-size: 300%;} + .side { float:right; + font-size: 75%; + width: 25%; + padding-left:10px; + border-left: dashed thin; + margin-left: 10px; + text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; + font-weight: bold; + font-style: italic;} + hr.pg { width: 100%; + margin-top: 0em; + margin-bottom: 0em; + border: solid black; + height: 5px; } + pre {font-size: 75%; } + </style> +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, +March 29, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, March 29, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Cowley Burnand + +Release Date: December 22, 2009 [EBook #30739] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen,Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>VOLUME 98.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2><span class="smcap">March 29, 1890.</span></h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span> + +<h2>MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS.</h2> + +<h4>No. IX.—UNDER THE HARROW.</h4> + +<center><i>A Conventional Comedy-Melodrama, in two Acts.</i><br /><br /> + +<span class="smcap">Characters.</span></center> + +<blockquote><p><span class="smcap">Sir Poshbury Puddock</span> (<i>a haughty and high-minded Baronet</i>).</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Verbena Puddock</span> (<i>his Daughter</i>).</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Lord Bleshugh</span> (<i>her Lover</i>).</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Spiker</span> (<i>a needy and unscrupulous Adventurer</i>).</p> +<p><span class="smcap">Blethers</span> (<i>an ancient and attached Domestic</i>).</p></blockquote> + +<p>ACT I.—<span class="smcap">Scene</span>—<i>The Morning Room, at Natterjack Hall, Toadley-le-Hole; +large window open at back, with heavy practicable sash.</i></p> + +<center><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Blethers</span>.</center> + +<p><i>Blethers.</i> Sir <span class="smcap">Poshbury's</span> birthday to-day—his birthday!—and the +gentry giving of him presents. Oh, Lor! if they only knew what <i>I</i> could +tell 'em!... Ah, and <i>must</i> tell, too, before long—but not yet—not +yet!</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<center><i>Enter</i> Lord <span class="smcap">Bleshugh</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Verbena</span>.</center> + +<p><i>Verb.</i> Yes, Papa is forty to-day; (<i>innocently</i>) fancy living to <i>that</i> +age! The tenants have presented him with a handsome jar of mixed +pickles, with an appropriate inscription. Papa is loved and respected by +every one. And I—well, I have made him a little housewife, containing +needles and thread.... See!</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Shows it.</i></p> + +<p><i>Lord Blesh. (tenderly).</i> I say, I—I wish you would make <i>me</i> a little +housewife!</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Comedy love-dialogue omitted owing to want of space.</i></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 30%"> +<a href="images/145.png"> +<img src="images/145.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<p><i>Verb.</i> Oh, do look!—there's Papa crossing the lawn with, oh, such a +horrid man following him!</p> + +<p><i>Lord B.</i> Regular bounder. Shocking bad hat!</p> + +<p><i>Verb.</i> Not so bad as his boots, and <i>they</i> are not so bad as his face! +Why doesn't Papa order him to go away? Oh, he is actually inviting him +in!</p> + +<center><i>Enter</i> Sir <span class="smcap">Poshbury</span>, <i>gloomy and constrained, with</i> <span class="smcap">Spiker</span>, <i>who is +jaunty, and somewhat over-familiar</i>.</center> + +<p><i>Spiker (sitting on the piano, and dusting his boots with a +handkerchief).</i> Cosy little shanty you've got here, <span class="smcap">Puddock</span>—very tasty!</p> + +<p><i>Sir P. (with a gulp).</i> I am—ha—delighted that you approve of it! Ah, +<span class="smcap">Verbena</span>!</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Kisses her on forehead.</i></p> + +<p><i>Spiker.</i> Your daughter, eh? Pooty gal. Introduce me.</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Sir</i> <span class="smcap">Posh</span>. <i>introduces him—with an effort</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Verbena. (coldly).</i> How do you do? Papa, did you know that the sashline +of this window was broken? If it is not mended, it will fall on +somebody's head, and perhaps kill him!</p> + +<p><i>Sir. P. (absently).</i> Yes—yes, it shall be attended to; but leave us, +my child, go. <span class="smcap">Bleshugh</span>, this—er—gentleman and I have business of +importance to discuss.</p> + +<p><i>Spiker.</i> Don't let us drive you away, Miss; your Pa and me are only +talking over old times, that's all—eh, <span class="smcap">Posh</span>?</p> + +<p><i>Sir P. (in a tortured aside).</i> Have a care, Sir, don't drive me too +far! (<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Verb.</span>) Leave us, I say. (Lord <span class="smcap">B.</span> and <span class="smcap">Verb.</span> <i>go out, raising +their eyebrows</i>.) Now, Sir, what is this secret you profess to have +discovered?</p> + +<p><i>Spiker.</i> Oh, a mere nothing. (<i>Takes out a cigar.</i>) Got a light about +you? Thanks. Perhaps you don't recollect twenty-seven years ago this +very day, travelling from Edgware Road to Baker Street, by the +Underground Railway?</p> + +<p><i>Sir P.</i> Perfectly; it was my thirteenth birthday, and I celebrated the +event by a visit to Madame <span class="smcap">Tussaud's</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Spiker.</i> Exactly; it was your thirteenth birthday, and you travelled +second-class with a half-ticket—(<i>meaningly</i>)—on your thirteenth +birthday.</p> + +<p><i>Sir P. (terribly agitated).</i> Fiend that you are, how came you to learn +this?</p> + +<p><i>Spiker.</i> Very simple. I was at that time in the temporary position of +ticket-collector at Baker Street. In the exuberance of boyhood, you +cheeked me. I swore to be even with you some day.</p> + +<p><i>Sir P.</i> Even if—if your accusation were well-founded, how are you +going to prove it?</p> + +<p><i>Sp.</i> Oh, that's easy! I preserved the half-ticket, on the chance that I +should require it as evidence hereafter.</p> + +<p><i>Sir P. (aside).</i> And so the one error of an otherwise blameless boyhood +has found me out—at last. (<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Spiker</span>.) I fear you not; my crime—if +crime indeed it was—is surely condoned by twenty-seven long years of +unimpeachable integrity!</p> + +<p><i>Sp.</i> Bye-laws are bye-laws, old buck! there's no time limit in criminal +offences that ever <i>I</i> heard of! Nothing can alter the fact that you, +being turned thirteen, obtained a half-ticket by a false representation +that you were under age. A line from me, even now, denouncing you to the +Traffic Superintendent, and I'm very much afraid——</p> + +<p><i>Sir P. (writhing).</i> <span class="smcap">Spiker</span>, my—my dear friend, you won't do that—you +won't expose me? Think of my age, my position, my daughter!</p> + +<p><i>Sp.</i> Ah, now you've touched the right chord! I <i>was</i> thinking of your +daughter—a nice lady-like gal—I don't mind telling you she fetched me, +Sir, at the first glance. Give me her hand, and I burn the compromising +half-ticket before your eyes on our return from church after the +wedding. Come, that's a fair offer!</p> + +<p><i>Sir P. (indignantly).</i> My child, the ripening apple of my failing eye, +to be sacrificed to a blackmailing blackguard like you! Never while I +live!</p> + +<p><i>Sp.</i> Just as you please; and, if you will kindly oblige me with writing +materials, I will just drop a line to the Traffic Superintendent——</p> + +<p><i>Sir P. (hoarsely).</i> No, no; not <i>that</i>.... Wait, listen; I—I will +speak to my daughter. I promise nothing; but if her heart is still her +own to give, she may (mind, I do not say she <i>will</i>) be induced to link +her lot to yours, though I shall not attempt to influence her in any +way—in <i>any</i> way.</p> + +<p><i>Sp.</i> Well, you know your own business best, old Cockalorum. Here comes +the young lady, so I'll leave you to manage this delicate affair alone. +Ta-ta. I shan't be far off.</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Swaggers insolently out as</i> <span class="smcap">Verb.</span> <i>enters</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Sir P.</i> My child, I have just received an offer for your hand. I know +not if you will consent?</p> + +<p><i>Verb.</i> I can guess who has made that offer, and why. I consent with all +my heart, dear Papa.</p> + +<p><i>Sir P.</i> Can I trust my ears! You consent? Noble girl!</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>He embraces her.</i></p> + +<p><i>Verb.</i> I was quite sure dear <span class="smcap">Bleshugh</span> meant to speak, and I <i>do</i> love +him very much.</p> + +<p><i>Sir P. (starting).</i> It is not Lord <span class="smcap">Bleshugh</span>, my child, but Mr. <span class="smcap">Samuel +Spiker</span>, the gentleman (for he is at heart a gentleman) whom I introduced +to you just now.</p> + +<p><i>Verb.</i> I have seen so little of him, Papa, I cannot love him—you must +really excuse me!</p> + +<p><i>Sir P.</i> Ah, but you will, my darling, you <i>will</i>—I know your unselfish +nature—you will, to save your poor old dad from a terrible disgrace ... +yes, <i>disgrace</i>, listen! Twenty-seven years ago—(<i>he tells her all</i>). +<span class="smcap">Verbena</span>, at this very moment, there is a subscription on foot in the +county to present me with my photograph, done by an itinerant +photographer of the highest eminence, and framed and glazed ready for +hanging. Is that photograph never to know the nail which even now awaits +it? Can you not surrender a passing girlish fancy, to spare your fond +old father's fame? Mr. <span class="smcap">Spiker</span> is peculiar, perhaps, in many ways—not +quite of our <i>monde</i>—but he loves you sincerely, my child, and that is, +in itself, a recommendation. Ah, I see—my prayers are vain ... be +happy, then. As for me, let the police come—I am ready!</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Weeps.</i></p> + +<p><i>Verb.</i> Not so, Papa; I will marry this Mr. <span class="smcap">Spiker</span>, since it is your +wish.</p> + +<p class="regards">[Sir <span class="smcap">Posh.</span> <i>dries his eyes</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Sir P.</i> Here, <span class="smcap">Spiker</span>, my dear fellow, it is all right. Come in. She +accepts you.</p> + +<center><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Spiker</span>.</center> + +<p><i>Sp.</i> Thought she would. Sensible little gal! Well, Miss, you shan't +regret it. Bless you, we'll be as chummy together as a couple of little +dicky-birds!</p> + +<p><i>Verb.</i> Mr. <span class="smcap">Spiker</span>, let us understand one another. I will do my best to +be a good wife to you—but chumminess is not mine to give, nor can I +promise ever to be your dicky-bird.</p> + +<center><i>Enter</i> Lord <span class="smcap">Bleshugh</span>.</center> + +<p><i>Lord B.</i> Sir <span class="smcap">Poshbury</span>, may I have five minutes with you? <span class="smcap">Verbena</span>, you +need not go. (<i>Looking at</i> <span class="smcap">Spiker</span>.) Perhaps this person will kindly +relieve us of his presence.</p> + +<p><i>Sp.</i> Sorry to disoblige, old feller, but I'm on duty where Miss <span class="smcap">Verbena</span> +is now, you see, as she's just promised to be my wife.</p> + +<p><i>Lord B.</i> <i>Your</i> wife!</p> + +<p><i>Verb. (faintly).</i> Yes, Lord <span class="smcap">Bleshugh</span>, his <i>wife</i>!</p> + +<p><i>Sir P.</i> Yes, my poor boy, <i>his</i> wife!</p> + +<blockquote>[<span class="smcap">Verbena</span> <i>totters, and falls heavily in a dead faint</i>, <span class="smcap">R.C.</span>, <i>upsetting +a flower-stand</i>; Lord <span class="smcap">Bleshugh</span> <i>staggers, and swoons on sofa</i>, <span class="smcap">C.</span>, +<i>overturning a table of knicknacks</i>; Sir <span class="smcap">Poshbury</span> <i>sinks into chair</i>, +<span class="smcap">L.C.</span>, <i>and covers his face with his hands</i>.</blockquote> + +<p><i>Sp. (looking down on them triumphantly).</i> Under the Harrow, by Gad! +Under the Harrow!</p> + +<p class="regards">[<i>Curtain, and end of Act I.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%"> +<a href="images/146.png"> +<img src="images/146.png" width="100%" alt="STRIKING HOME" /></a> +<h4>STRIKING HOME.</h4> +</div> + +<center><i>Punch loquitur:</i>—</center> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Well</span>, you have got your way, my lad,</p> +<p class="i2">And may it prove good all round.</p> +<p class="i0">Liberal pay is your right, I say,</p> +<p class="i2">For your grim work underground.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Rise of pay and a shorter day?</p> +<p class="i2">Excellent things, belike,</p> +<p class="i0">Yet would they were sought in another way</p> +<p class="i2">Than the cruel road of a Strike.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">I see you've been having a smoke, my lad;</p> +<p class="i2">What did you see in the smoke?</p> +<p class="i0">Why, some things good, and many things bad,</p> +<p class="i2">And nought that is matter for joke.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">At every puff there's a picture of gloom,</p> +<p class="i2">A moral in every pull.</p> +<p class="i0">Motionless wheels and idle loom,</p> +<p class="i2">What is their meaning in full?</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Capital's greed and Labour's need</p> +<p class="i2">These be fair matters for fight.</p> +<p class="i0"><i>Must</i> Trade, though, suffer and poor hearts bleed?</p> +<p class="i2"><i>Must</i> wrong be the road to right?</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Glad there is talk of a better way,</p> +<p class="i2">Truly 'tis worth the search;</p> +<p class="i0">For little you'll profit by higher pay</p> +<p class="i2">If Commerce be left in the lurch.</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/147a.png"> +<img src="images/147a.png" width="100%" alt="PROSPECTS FOR THE COMING SEASON" /></a> +<h4>PROSPECTS FOR THE COMING SEASON.</h4> +<p><span class="smcap">The Lions are decidedly Small this Year, but the Beauties are Finer, +Larger, and more like each other than ever.</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A BOAT-RACE VISION.</h2> + +<center>(<i>By an Oxbridge Enthusiast.</i>)</center> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 20%"> +<a href="images/147b.png"> +<img src="images/147b.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Winds</span> from the East may provoke us,</p> +<p class="i2">Making us angry and ill,</p> +<p class="i0">Dust of the Equinox choke us,</p> +<p class="i2">Yet we will welcome thee still,</p> +<p class="i0">Spring, now the runnels of primrose and crocus</p> +<p class="i2">Trickle all over the hill;</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Now, when the willow and osier</p> +<p class="i2">Flicker in diffident green;</p> +<p class="i0">Now, when the poplars are rosier,</p> +<p class="i2">When the first daisies are seen,</p> +<p class="i0">And the windows of draper and hosier</p> +<p class="i2">Are bright with their 'Varsity sheen.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Not what it was, Sir, in my time,"</p> +<p class="i2">Grumbles a fogey, or two;</p> +<p class="i0">"Then we had really a high-time,</p> +<p class="i2">Lord, what mad things we would do!</p> +<p class="i0">Skylarking! Well, it was sky-time.</p> +<p class="i2">Blue! It was nothing but blue!"</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Well, let the people and papers</p> +<p class="i2">Say what it please them to say,</p> +<p class="i0">Shops of the politic drapers</p> +<p class="i2">Follow them, sombre or gay,</p> +<p class="i0">"Men" be austere, or cut capers,</p> +<p class="i2">Still 'tis a glorious day!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Visions of Sandford or Ely,</p> +<p class="i2">Baitsbite, or Abingdon Lock,</p> +<p class="i0">Skies that are stormy or steely,</p> +<p class="i2">Seas that we ship with a shock,</p> +<p class="i0">"Coaches," whose mouths are not mealy,</p> +<p class="i2">"Faithfuls," who riverward flock,</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Mornings, inclement and early,</p> +<p class="i2">Stinted tobacco and beer,</p> +<p class="i0">Tutors reluctant and surly,</p> +<p class="i2">"Finals" unpleasantly near—</p> +<p class="i0">All are forgot in the hurly—</p> +<p class="i2">Lo! the long looked-for is here!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Now, at the start, as I'm eyeing</p> +<p class="i2">The back, that I know like a friend,</p> +<p class="i0">I wonder which flag will be flying</p> +<p class="i2">In front at the winning-post bend—</p> +<p class="i0">Shall we triumph, or, fruitlessly trying,</p> +<p class="i2">Row it out, game to the end?</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Point after point we are clearing,</p> +<p class="i2">Mile after mile we have sped;</p> +<p class="i0">Multiplied roaring and cheering</p> +<p class="i2">Sound as they sound to the dead.</p> +<p class="i0">Surely the end we are nearing!</p> +<p class="i2">Yes, but I know <i>they</i>'re ahead!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Then is the toiling and straining</p> +<p class="i2">Out of the tail of my eye</p> +<p class="i0">Somehow I see we are gaining—</p> +<p class="i2">Look at the wash running by!</p> +<p class="i0">Now, in the minutes remaining,</p> +<p class="i2">Somehow we'll do it, or die.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">There are blades flashing beside us,</p> +<p class="i2">Dropping astern one by one.</p> +<p class="i0">Now they creep up—they have tied us—</p> +<p class="i2">No! The spurt dies—they are done!</p> +<p class="i0">Gods of the 'Varsity guide us!—</p> +<p class="i2">Bang! "Easy all!" We have won!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Coal Strike was easily settled, as all that had to be discussed were +"Miner Considerations."</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>"FOR THIS RELIEF, MUCH THANKS!"</h2> + +<blockquote><p>"As a sign of this gratitude, I confer upon you the dignity of Duke +of <span class="smcap">Lauenburg</span>, and shall also send you my life-sized Portrait."—<i>The +German Emperor to Prince Bismarck.</i></p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">God</span> bless you, dear Prince! Since your purpose is fixed,</p> +<p class="i2">It is useless, I know, to dissuade you.</p> +<p class="i0">I permit you to go, though my feelings are mixed,</p> +<p class="i2">And unmake, as my grandfather made, you.</p> +<p class="i0">Yet deem not ungrateful your Emperor and King;</p> +<p class="i2">Let me pay you my thanks at the Court rate.</p> +<p class="i0">So I make you a Duke, ere I let you take wing,</p> +<p class="i2">And, O Prince, I will send you my Portrait!</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">O Pilot undaunted, brave heart and strong hand</p> +<p class="i2">When our planks were all riven asunder,</p> +<p class="i0">You alone grasped the helm, and took boldly your stand,</p> +<p class="i2">Nor blanched at the blast and the thunder.</p> +<p class="i0">And now, safe in port, we award you a prize</p> +<p class="i2">Of a value that men of your sort rate.</p> +<p class="i0">So, Prince, I will have myself painted life-size</p> +<p class="i2">Every inch, and I'll send you the Portrait.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">Fresh storms may be brewing. I'll face them myself.</p> +<p class="i2">I am young, and, O Prince, you grow older.</p> +<p class="i0">Stay ashore, if you wish it, retire to the shelf,</p> +<p class="i2">And let those steer the ship who are bolder.</p> +<p class="i0">Yet it shall not be said that, in parting from you,</p> +<p class="i2">Your King gave his thanks at a short rate;</p> +<p class="i0">So be henceforth a Duke, and accept as your due</p> +<p class="i2">What I gratefully grant you—my Portrait!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span> + +<h2>A RATEPAYER'S REPLY.</h2> + +<center><i>To Mr. Stanhope's Latest Serio-comic, Patriotic Song.</i></center> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 20%"> +<a href="images/148a.png"> +<img src="images/148a.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Your</span> story's good, <span class="smcap">Stanhope</span>, as far as it runs,</p> +<p class="i0">For <span class="smcap">John Bull</span>, at last, looks like getting his guns.</p> +<p class="i0">But though you talk big on the strength of the four</p> +<p class="i0">With which you've just managed to arm Singapore,</p> +<p class="i0">We would like you to state precisely how long</p> +<p class="i0">'Twill take you to get the next batch to Hong Kong!</p> +<p class="i0">For you talk in a not very confident way</p> +<p class="i0">Of those that are destined to guard Table Bay.</p> +<p class="i0">Your speech, too, with doubt seems decidedly laden,</p> +<p class="i0">When noting the present defences of Aden.</p> +<p class="i0">Though you finish the list with the news, meant to cheer</p> +<p class="i0">That Ceylon "should be" safe by the end of the year.</p> +<p class="i0">You think, to sum up, that a gratified nation</p> +<p class="i0">Should greet your glad statement with wild jubilation!</p> +<p class="i0">Well, the country does not get too often a chance</p> +<p class="i0">Of an honest excuse for a genuine dance,</p> +<p class="i0">And would step it quite gladly, if only assured</p> +<p class="i0">It could once from old dodges feel safely secured,</p> +<p class="i0">Being certain its guns, before setting to caper,</p> +<p class="i0">Do not exist merely on War-Office paper!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.</h2> + +<center><span class="smcap">Social.</span></center> + +<p>"<i>You are one of the few people with whom I can really enjoy a quiet +talk, all to our two selves</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "I should be very sorry to +introduce you to any of <i>my</i> set."</p> + +<p>"<i>What, <span class="smcap">YOU</span> here?</i>"; <i>i.e.</i>, "Wonder how the deuce this confounded cad +got an invitation."</p> + +<p>"<i>Ah, by the way, just let me introduce you to Farrodust. You two +fellows ought to know each other</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "Call that killing two +<i>bores</i> with one stone."</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/148c.png"> +<img src="images/148c.png" width="100%" alt="reading a book" /></a> +</div> + +<p>"<i>Thanks for a most delightful evening. So sorry to have to run away</i>;" +<i>i.e.</i>, "Bored to extinction, and fairly famished. Must run down to the +Club for a snack and a smoke."</p> + +<p>"<i>I'll look at my list when I get home</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "You don't catch me."</p> + +<p>"<i>Drop in any day</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "When the chances are I shan't be in."</p> + +<p>"<i>No party</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "Must ask him, and do it as cheaply as possible."</p> + +<p>"<i>Come as you are</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "Be careful to wear evening dress."</p> + +<p>"<i>Don't trouble to answer</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>, "Think it very rude if you don't."</p> + +<p>"<i>What! going already!</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "Thank goodness! Thought she'd never +move."</p> + +<p>"<i>What a fine child!</i>" <i>i.e.</i>, "Don't know whether the brat is a boy or +girl, but must say something."</p> + +<center>(<i>To be continued.</i>)</center> + +<hr /> + +<h2>MODERN TYPES.</h2> + +<center>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Own Type-Writer.</i>)<br /> + +No. VI.—THE POLITICAL WOMAN.</center> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Political Woman is one upon whom, if she may be believed, the world +has never smiled. She avenges herself by recounting her wrongs and those +of her sex to all who can be induced to listen to her. In early youth +she will have taught herself by a superficial study of political history +that all great movements have depended for their success upon Women, and +that men, though they may ride on the whirlwind have had but little hand +in directing the storm. The base ingratitude which has hitherto attended +feminine effort in general, has aroused in her breast a quite particular +and personal resentment against all men who have the misfortune to +disagree with her. Hence it comes that the males who bask in the +sunshine of her approval are but few. It is noticeable, that although +she openly despises men, she makes herself, and wishes to make her +fellow women as masculine as is compatible with the wearing of +petticoats, and the cultivation of habitual inaccuracy of mind. +Moreover, although she has a fine contempt, of which she makes no +concealment, for most women, she selects as the associates of her +political enterprises and her daily life, only those men whose cast of +mind would suit better with the wearing of gowns than of trousers.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%"> +<a href="images/148b.png"> +<img src="images/148b.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<p>The Political Woman is far removed from the ordinary members of Primrose +Leagues and Women's Federations, with whom the country abounds. Her +over-mastering political appetite would find no satisfaction in the mere +wearing of badges, the distribution of blankets, the passing of +common-place resolutions, or the fearful joy of knowing a secret +password and countersign. Such trifles are, in her opinion, mere whets +for the political banquet. For herself she requires far stronger meat. +From the fact, that the race of women is in physical energy inferior to +that of men, she has apparently deduced as an axiom, that nature +intended them to be equal in every respect. Few women agree with her, +fewer still show any desire for the supposed boons to the attainment of +which she is constantly urging them. Yet, the knowledge of these facts +only seems to render the Political Woman more determined in the +prosecution of her quest, and more bitter in her attacks upon men.</p> + +<p>At school the Political Woman will have been highly thought of as a +writer of vigorous essays, in which unconventional opinions were +expressed, in ungrammatical language. She will have formed a Debating +Society amongst her fellow-pupils, and, having caused herself to be +elected perpetual President, she will leave the Presidential arm-chair +at the beginning of every debate, in order to demolish by anticipation +all who may venture to speak after her. She will play various kinds of +music upon the piano with a uniform vigour that would serve well for the +beating of carpets, and will express much scorn for the feeble beings +who use the soft pedal, or indulge in the luxury of a "touch."</p> + +<p>Having left school with an ill-assorted mass of miscellaneous knowledge, +she will show her contempt for ordinary feminine accomplishments by +refusing to attend dances, and by crushing mild young men whom +misfortune may have thrown in her way. Having discovered from one of +these that he imagines the Rebecca Riots to be an incident of Old +Testament History, and has no definite views upon the currency question, +she will observe, in a tone of some bitterness, that "These are our +Governors!" and, having left him in a state of collapse, will scale the +ramparts of political discussion, in company with a Professor, who +happens to be unmarried and a Member of Parliament. After making love +for some months, by means of an interchange of political tracts, these +two will be married in a registrar's office, and will spend their +honeymoon in investigating the social requirements of Italian +organ-grinders.</p> + +<p>From this moment she exists chiefly as a Member or President of +innumerable Committees. No sooner does the shadow of a political idea +flit through her brain, than she forms a Committee to promote its +development. When not engaged in forming or in sitting upon Committees, +she occupies herself in delivering lectures "to Women only," or in +discussing the Woman's Suffrage question with the Member of Parliament +for her district (whom she despises) by means of letters, which she +subsequently publishes in the journal of which she is, by this time, the +proprietor, editor, and staff combined.</p> + +<p>In a regrettable moment of absent-mindedness she bore to the Professor a +son, whom she brings up on Spartan principles, and little else. Her home +is a centre of slatternly discomfort. She rises early, but, having +locked herself into her study, for the better composition of a discourse +on "The Sacred Right of Revolt for Women," she forgets that both the tea +and the coffee are locked in with her, and learns subsequently with +surprise, but without regret, that her husband drank water to his +breakfast. She then proceeds to regenerate the working-man, by proving +to him, that his wife is a miserable creature for submitting to his +sway, and rouses an audience of spectacled enthusiasts to frenzy by +proclaiming, that she is ready to lead them to the tented field for the +assertion of rights which the malignity of men has filched from them. +Later on, she presides over her various Committees, and she returns home +to find that her child has burnt himself by falling on to the +dining-room fire, and that her cook has given warning.</p> + +<p>She will eventually fail to be elected a member of the School Board, and +having written a strong book on a delicate social question, will die of +the shock of seeing it adversely reviewed in <i>The Spectator</i>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span> + +<h2>PLAYING DARK.</h2> + +<center>(<i>New Style.</i>)</center> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/153a.png"> +<img src="images/153a.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<p><span class="smcap">The</span> great success which, in their own estimation, has attended the +endeavour to establish a series of Night Field Sports in the +neighbourhood of Melton Mowbray, so dashingly led off recently with a +regular across country Steeple Chase, "by lamplight," has, it is said, +induced the spirited organisers to extend their field of experiment; and +it is alleged that tennis, golf, hockey, and football are all to be +tried in turn, under the new conditions. That some excitement may be +reasonably looked for from the projected contests may be gathered from a +reference to the subjoined score, put on paper by the newly constituted +"Melton Mowbray Midnight Eleven," who, in a recent trial of strength +with a distinguished local Club, it will be seen, showed some capital, +if original play, in meeting their opponents in the national game, +conducted under what must have been necessarily somewhat novel and +unfamiliar conditions.</p> + +<p>The boundaries of the field in which the wickets were pitched were +marked out with night-lights, the only other illumination being supplied +by a couple of moderator lamps, held respectively by the Umpire and +Square-leg. The costume, of course, comprised a night-shirt and a pair +of bed-room slippers, with which was also worn a pink +dressing-gown,—pink being the colour adopted by the Club. Owing to the +absence of any moon, and also to the fact that the night was a rather +boisterous one, on account of the persistency both of wind and rain, the +play suffered from some disadvantages. However, the Eleven went pluckily +to the wicket with the following result:—</p> + +<table summary="scoreboard"><tr><td align= "left">Mr. <span class="smcap">George P-g-t</span>, mistaking, in the obscurity, the Umpire for +his wicket, gets out of his ground, and is instantly stumped out</td><td> 0</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="left">Mr. <span class="smcap">Sydney P-g-t</span> treads on his wicket</td><td> 0</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="left">Mr. <span class="smcap">Otto P-g-t</span> takes the Wicket-keeper's head for the ball, +and trying to "play it to leg," gives it in consequence such +a severe blow, that he is obliged to accompany the Wicket-keeper +in a cab to a hospital without finishing his innings</td><td> 0</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="left">Mr. <span class="smcap">W. Ch-pl-n</span> treads on his wicket</td><td> 0</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="left">Count <span class="smcap">Z-br-ski</span> makes 497 in one hit. The ball being, however, +only three yards off, but escaping notice, owing to the darkness, +he is kept on the move for twenty-nine min. and a half </td><td> 497</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="left">Mr. <span class="smcap">A. B-rn-by</span> stumbles over his wicket </td><td> 0</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="left">Mr. <span class="smcap">G. W-ls-n</span> sits on his wicket</td><td> 0</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="left">Captain <span class="smcap">R-b-ns-n</span> run out through losing his way in trying to +find the wicket</td><td> 0</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="left">Mr. <span class="smcap">E. H-n-age</span> trying a forward drive, but not able to see, +plays the whole of his wicket into the face of cover-point,whom he severely bruises, and is, +consequently, given out</td><td> 0</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="left">Captain <span class="smcap">W-rn-r</span> takes the Long-stop for the Bowler; and, so +getting the wrong side of his wicket, is bowled out in his first over</td><td> 0</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="left">Mr. <span class="smcap">McN-l</span> misled by the lights on the adjacent hedges, making +a hit, loses his way in trying a run; and finally, wandering +into a neighbouring field, unable to make his way in the +dark, rests in a ditch, in which he ultimately goes to sleep,—Not Out</td><td> 0</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="left">Wides (bowled chiefly at the Umpire).</td><td>1322</td></tr> + +<tr><td align="left">Byes, &c. </td><td> 704</td></tr> + +<tr><td></td><td>——</td></tr> + +<tr><td></td><td>2523</td></tr> +</table> + +<p>At the conclusion of the innings, as daylight was beginning to break, it +was determined to draw the stumps, it being settled that play should be +resumed on the following midnight, when the opposing team were to take +their turn at the wicket.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Pour les Beaux Yeux.</span>"—Last week Dr. <span class="smcap">Ogle</span> lectured excellently well and +very wisely on the statistics of marriage in England. Altogether, it +appears that this is not a marrying age. Those young men and maidens who +are in search of partners for life, must keep their eyes open, and—— +Ogle. Very leery advice would be expected from anyone of the name of +<span class="smcap">Ogle</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>ROBERT ON THE BOAT-RACE.</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">At</span> the moment as I rites on the most importentest ewent of the hopening +Spring, the warst majority of the four millions on us is a passing their +days and nites in wundering which blew side will win. Why they is both +blew, puzzles me. If so be as they was both saleing boats, in course I +coud unnerstand it, but, as they ain't, I gives up the puzzle, and gos +a-head.</p> + +<p>By the by, <span class="smcap">Brown</span> has given me a strate tip, which I ginerously gives to +all my numerus readers. If it's a nice <i>light</i> day, Cambrige will +suttenly win; but if it's a dull, <i>dark</i> day, Hoxford will suttenly not +lose. So if any of my frends drops their money, it suttenly won't be my +fault.</p> + +<p>I remember as one year we had 'em all to dinner at the Manshun House +after the Race, and werry remarkabel fine appytites they all seemed to +have, winners and loosers alike. I spose as Hoxford lost that time, and +most likely from the same cause. For I remembers as the Company werry +kindly drunk the elth of the man who pulled the ropes on that occasion, +and he was just sech another little feller as the won as lost last year, +and wen he returned thanks he sed werry wisely, I thort, as he shood +never pull the ropes again in a great match, for if your boat won nobody +didn't give you no praise for it, but if it lost, everybody said as it +was your fault.</p> + +<p>I seed a good many of my respected Paytrons on that ocasion a injoying +of theirselves in their serveral ways. The <i>Maria Wood</i> state Barge was +there in all her glory, and plenty of gay company aboard, including +several members of the honoured Copperashun. In fack you ginerally sees +a fair number on 'em when there's anythink a going forred, whether of a +usefool or a hornymental caracter. One or two other wessels carried +their onered flag. But I looked in wane for any, the werry slightest, +simptom of the County Counsel of London having put in a appearance. Poor +Fellers, what with plenty of dull, dry hard work, and not a partikle of +rashnal injoyment, no not ewen such a trifle as a bit of free wittles or +a drop of free drink, what will they be looking like at the end of their +second year of hoffis? Why it's my beleef as their werry best frends +won' kno 'em. No wunder as they all wants to get free admissions to all +the Theaters and Music Alls. Rayther shabby idear for a full blown +County Counsellor, when a shilling will take him amost anywheres.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/153b.png"> +<img src="images/153b.png" width="100%" alt="cartoon" /></a> +</div> + +<p>I thinks upon the hole as I prefers a Boat Race to an Horse Race. In the +fust place the grand excitement lasts much longer, in the nex place of +course their ain't no crewel whipping and spurring of the two gallant +Crews to make 'em go faster than possible, in the nex place their ain't +not no dust, and what a blessed loss that is I spose most on us knows by +his own blinded xperience, in the nex place there ain't but werry little +showting and borling and skreaming, and far beyond all, one is abel +direckly after the race is over, insted of rushing off to a scrowged +tent and paying 3<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> for a bit of cold beef, werry Carelessly +served, to set down carmly and comfortably in one's littel cabbin, and +partake in peas and quiet of all the good things as kind friends has +purvided, while gliding smoothly along our own butifool River a returnin +to that peacefool home to witch one's thorts allers naterally turns wen +the plesure or the bizziness of the day is all over, and our strengths +is replenisht with plenty of good wittles and drink.</p> + +<p class="regards"><span class="smcap">Robert.</span></p> + +<hr /> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Go to Bath!</span>"—Yes, to make sketches and flattering comments, but not to +ridicule the dulness and dinginess of the place, or the local papers +will "slate" you. They don't like "the New Bath Guy'd!"</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>"<span class="smcap">Lenten Entertainment.</span>"—Going to see <span class="smcap">Succi</span> the fasting man. By the way, +very wrong of <span class="smcap">Succi</span> not to avail himself of the Papal dispensation.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/154.png"> +<img src="images/154.png" width="100%" alt="THE HOUSE OF COMMONS" /></a> +<h4>THE HOUSE OF COMMONS FROM TOBY'S PRIVATE BOX.</h4> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%"> +<a href="images/155.png"> +<img src="images/155.png" width="100%" alt="NONE BUT THE BRAVE DESERVE THE FARE" /></a> +<h4>"NONE BUT THE BRAVE DESERVE THE FARE."</h4> +<p><i>The Rector's Wife (at School-Feast, to one of the Boys, who had been +doing very "good business").</i> "<span class="smcap">What's the matter, Noggins? Don't you +feel Well?</span>"</p> +<p><i>Noggins.</i> "<span class="smcap">No, M'm,—but—I'll hev—to be wuss, M'm—afore I give in!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>DROPPING THE PILOT.</h2> + +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%"> +<a href="images/150.png"> +<img src="images/150.png" width="100%" alt="DROPPING THE PILOT" /></a> +<h4>DROPPING THE PILOT.</h4> +</div> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Great</span> Pilot, whom so many storms have tried,</p> +<p class="i2">To see thee quit the helm at last, at last,</p> +<p class="i0">And slow descend that vessel's stately side,</p> +<p class="i2">Whilst yet waves surge and skies are overcast,</p> +<p class="i2">Wakes wondering memories of that mighty past,</p> +<p class="i4">Shaped by a guiding hand,</p> +<p class="i0">Strong to direct as strenuous to command.</p> +<p class="i0">When yet did a great ship on the great sea</p> +<p class="i4">Drop Pilot like to thee?</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">The "wakeful Palinurus" of old song</p> +<p class="i2">Drowsed at the last, and floods his corpse did whelm;</p> +<p class="i0">But thou hast ever been alert as strong,</p> +<p class="i2">Pilot who never slumbered at the helm.</p> +<p class="i2">Impetuous youth aspires to rear a realm,</p> +<p class="i4">And the State-bark to steer</p> +<p class="i0">In other fashion. Is it faith or fear</p> +<p class="i0">Fills the old Pilot's spirit as he moves</p> +<p class="i4">Slow from the post he loves?</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">No "branch in Lethe dipped by Morpheus" slacks</p> +<p class="i2">This Pilot's sight, or vanquishes his force.</p> +<p class="i0">The ship he leaves may steer on other tacks;</p> +<p class="i2">Will the new Palinurus hold her course</p> +<p class="i2">With hand as firm and skill of such resource?</p> +<p class="i4">He who, Æneas-like,</p> +<p class="i0">Now takes the helm himself, perchance may strike</p> +<p class="i0">On sunken shoals, or wish, on the wild main,</p> +<p class="i4">The old Pilot back again.</p> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">These things are on the knees of the great gods;</p> +<p class="i2">But, hap what hap, that slow-descending form,</p> +<p class="i0">Which oft hath stood with winds and waves at odds,</p> +<p class="i2">And almost single-handed braved the storm,</p> +<p class="i2">Shows an heroic shape; and high hearts warm</p> +<p class="i4">To that stout grim-faced bulk</p> +<p class="i0">Of manhood looming large against the hulk</p> +<p class="i0">Of the great Ship, whose course, at fate's commands,</p> +<p class="i4">He leaves to lesser hands!</p> +</div></div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<center>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</center> + +<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, March 17.</i>—St. Patrick's Day in the evening. +Every Irish Member carries in buttonhole bit of withered grass; at least +looks like withered grass. <span class="smcap">Dick Power</span> says it's shamrock. Anyhow it +leads to dining-out, and business to fore being nothing more important +than voting a few millions sterling for the Navy, House almost empty.</p> + +<p>"So much the better for me," says <span class="smcap">Georgie Hamilton</span>, in charge of Navy +Estimates; "the fewer Members the more Votes."</p> + +<p>So it proved. Whilst <span class="smcap">Georgie</span> descanting on excellence of Naval +Administration, House so empty that Count moved. A little hard this on a +Minister in charge of most important department of State; but, after +all, Votes were the thing, and Votes were taken hand-over-hand. +<span class="smcap">Georgie's</span> oration being cut short by attempt to Count he sat down, and +as quick as Chairman could put question £3,312,500 of our hard-earned +money was voted. Hadn't been in the House five minutes when bang went +another million. Only half-a-dozen of us present, including <span class="smcap">Wilson</span> of +Hull, who sat on edge of Bench, with hat in hand, staring at <span class="smcap">Courtney</span>, +as he ticked off million after million. For myself, as representing a +Constituency of the Gentlemen of England, grew rather to like it. +Something exhilarating in the consciousness that you, being one of eight +Members representing the House of Commons, can say "Aye" or "No" to +proposal to vote a million sterling more or less. "The question is," +says <span class="smcap">Courtney</span>, "that a sum not exceeding £1,103,200 be voted to <span class="smcap">Her +Majesty</span> on account of sums falling due for victualling, clothing and +Naval establishments. Those that are of that opinion, say 'Aye;' +contrary 'No.'"</p> + +<p>Well, what shall you do? Pretty stiff sum; get a pretty lot of victuals +for the million; several suits of clothes for the £103,000. Should you, +just to show your independence, knock off the odd £200? No. Barks likes +the thing done generously. Why throw in a note of discord? Besides, it +doesn't all come out of your pocket. So you say "Aye;" <span class="smcap">Georgie Hamilton</span> +nods in grateful appreciation; <span class="smcap">Courtney</span> seems relieved; the thing's +done, and you walk out with a glowing consciousness of having behaved +handsomely.</p> + +<p>Slight coolness sprung up between <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span> and <span class="smcap">Grandolph</span>. Of late +been on rather friendly terms, despite occasional kicking over of the +traces by <span class="smcap">Grandolph</span>.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p> + +<p>"Boys will be boys," <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span> says, smiling genially on his young +friend. To-day little hitch arisen; <span class="smcap">Grandolph</span> has sent to papers text of +his Memorandum addressed to <span class="smcap">First Lord</span> of <span class="smcap">Treasury</span> in 1888, warning them +against appointing Special Commission. <span class="smcap">Grandolph</span>, having set forth with +masterly force his objections to scheme, winds up with remark:—"These +reflections have been sketched out concisely. <i>If submitted to a +Statesman</i>, many more, and much graver reflections, would probably be +suggested." <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span> hadn't noticed it before; but now words in +print stare him in face, doesn't like it. "'Submitted to a Statesman,'" +he murmured—"what does the fellow mean? Weren't they submitted to Me?"</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Voted money by hands-full.</p> + +<p><i>Tuesday.</i>—As a means of suffusing Treasury Bench with hearty, +unaffected hilarity, nothing so effective as a defeat in Division Lobby. +Noticed this twice of late. The other night, when <span class="smcap">Hamley's</span> Motion on +behalf of Volunteers was, <i>malgré lui</i>, carried against the Government, +you'd have thought, to look on Treasury Bench, that some good news had +suddenly flashed upon them. <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span> beaming with smiles: <span class="smcap">Stanhope</span> +smirking; and even the countenance of <span class="smcap">Jokim</span> convulsively working with +what was understood to be signs of merriment. Same thing happened +to-night. <span class="smcap">Buchanan</span> brought forward Motion proposing to intrust to County +Councils duty of maintaining and protecting rights of way in Scotland. +Scotch Members united in support of popular demand, only <span class="smcap">Mark Stewart</span> +having his doubts. Even <span class="smcap">Finlay</span> made bold to hint Government would do +well to listen to demand. <span class="smcap">Chamberlain</span> openly and effectively declared on +behalf of Resolution; Government seemed to be in tight place; <span class="smcap">Old +Morality</span> moved uneasily in seat; still it would never do to interfere +with Dukes and others furtively or openly engaged in the task of closing +up paths over mountains, or shutting off walks by the lakes. Very +awkward and inconsiderate of <span class="smcap">Chamberlain</span> going off on this tack.</p> + +<p>"Can't eat your cake and have it, you know," <span class="smcap">Old Morality</span> said, +unconsciously forming the words on his copy of the Orders in large +copy-book hand, "Mustn't play fast and loose with custodians of the +Union. Oughtn't to look back when you put your hand to the plough. +Should go the whole hog or none." These and other comforting phrases he +wrote out in best copper-plate, filling up time whilst House cleared for +Division. But when Tellers came back, and it was known that Resolution +was carried against Government, clouds passed away.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Old Morality</span> tore up his copy-book headings, thrust hands in pockets; +assumed truculently jovial air; nearly died of laughing when <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> +announced figures showing Government had been defeated by 13. His +hilarity contagious. Mr. <span class="smcap">Biddulph</span> standing for a moment in the doorway +below the shadow of the Gallery, looked on, his face slowly broadening +into responsive smile.</p> + +<p>"Well," said he, "of all the rollicking dogs I ever came across, there +never was a pack to equal Her Majesty's Ministers in the hour of +defeat."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—<span class="smcap">Buchanan's</span> Right of Way Motion carried against +Government by 110 against 97.</p> + +<p><i>Wednesday.</i>—"I like this quite quiet hour, <span class="smcap">Toby</span>," said the <span class="smcap">Speaker</span>, as +I sat on the Treasury Bench, he at Table, waiting for a quorum. "It +gives me opportunity of reading in <i>Freeman's Journal verbatim</i> reports +of speeches by <span class="smcap">Tanner</span>, <span class="smcap">Sheehy</span>, and <span class="smcap">William Redmond</span>. Heard them +delivered, of course; but there are some pleasures one likes to renew."</p> + +<p>Should have begun business at twelve; now getting on for one. <span class="smcap">Albert +Rollit</span> in charge of Bankruptcy Bill with back to wall waiting for a +quorum. "Must see," he says, "if I can't frame Clause dealing specially +with Parliamentary proceedings. We shall shortly be bankrupt here if +this sort of thing goes on. Composition of four and a-half hours' +sitting on Wednesday afternoon scarcely enough to justify honourable +discharge."</p> + +<p>Everything comes to man who waits. Quorum came for <span class="smcap">Rollit</span>. Numbers +increased as he proceeded with singularly lucid address, investing even +Bankruptcy with subtle charms. Gave the tone to thoroughly business +Debate; and, even in less than the maimed period of time allotted, had +carried his Bill through Second Reading.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Bankruptcy Bill read Second Time.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday.</i>—<span class="smcap">John O'Connor</span> pervading House with profoundest mystery. +When Orders of Day called on, <span class="smcap">John</span> rose to his full height (6 foot 4 of +human kindness and geniality), and said, "Mr. <span class="smcap">Speaker</span>!" Motion was, that +House should go into Committee of Supply. According to New Rules, +<span class="smcap">Speaker</span> leaves Chair without putting Question; Question not put, obvious +no one could discuss it. But here was <span class="smcap">John</span> insisting on catching the +<span class="smcap">Speaker's</span> eye.</p> + +<p>"Mr. <span class="smcap">Speaker</span>!" he repeated, "I want to discuss some of the +irregularities of the Government."</p> + +<p>But <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> had executed strategic retreat; Chair empty; <span class="smcap">John</span> standing +on tiptoe, followed retreating figure with despairing cry, "Mr. +<span class="smcap">Speaker</span>!" House half hoped <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> would return; dying with curiosity to +know what fresh irregularity on part of Government <span class="smcap">John</span> had discovered; +but no help for it. Chair empty; technically "No House;" and <span class="smcap">John</span>, +slowly subsiding, shutting up like a reluctant telescope, resumed seat.</p> + +<p>Prince <span class="smcap">Arthur</span>, back from Golf at Eastbourne, looking better for his +holiday, lounged on Treasury Bench watching scene. "Alas!" he cried, +eyeing <span class="smcap">John</span> with dreamy glance, what time the fingers of his hand—a +strayed reveller—fitfully played with the rolled copy of his Orders, as +if it were his cherished Mandoline—</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<p class="i0">"Alas for those who never sing,</p> +<p class="i0">But die with all their music in them."</p> +</div></div> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Vote on Account passed.</p> + +<p><i>Friday.</i>—Lords had nice little "plant" on to-night. The <span class="smcap">Sage of Queen +Anne's Gate</span> got first place in other House for Motion decreeing their +abolition. "Such larks!" says the <span class="smcap">Markiss</span>; "let's get up big debate here +on House of Commons subject; draw away their men; leave <span class="smcap">Sage</span> in lurch."</p> + +<p>So arranged Debate on Report of Parnell Commission for to-night. Full +dress affair; all the big guns to go off; Curiosity as to how they'd +treat too familiar subject. Plan answered admirably. Both shows running +together, Lords, as most novel entertainment, fuller spectacular +entertainment, drew the cake. Instead of crowded House that usually +waits when <span class="smcap">Sage</span> lunges at the Lords, beggarly array of empty Benches. +Rather depressing even for imperturbable <span class="smcap">Sage</span>. Little later, Members +finding things dull in Lords, came back in time to hear <span class="smcap">George Curzon</span>. +Capital speech; sparkle on the top; but some quiet depths of closely +reasoned argument below.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—<span class="smcap">Sage's</span> Motion for abolition of Lords negatived by 201 +Votes against 139. Thus reprieved, Lords ordered Report of Parnell +Commission to be duly recorded.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%"> +<a href="images/156a.png"> +<img src="images/156a.png" width="100%" alt="MAXIMS FOR THE BAR" /></a> +<h4>MAXIMS FOR THE BAR. No. III.</h4> +<p>"Never allow the Judge to bully you. On the contrary, be firm with <i>him</i>."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE OLD BOND-STREET GALLERIES.</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">Why</span> they are called the Old Bond-Street Galleries, when there is so much +that is new to be seen there, it is impossible to say. Why not call it +the New Gallery? Perhaps those trusty Tudors—who are rather more than +two doors off—Messrs. <span class="smcap">Comyns Carr</span> and <span class="smcap">Hallé</span>, might object, and, even +then, only half the truth would be told. Let us ag-gravate them, and +call it the Ag-New Gallery at once! Unless it would be considered an +ag-rarian outrage, it would be impossible to give it a better ag-nomen. +Ha! ha! No matter what you call it, so long as you call and see the +collection of Water-colours. There is a vastly good "<i>Pygmalion and +Galatea</i>," by our own <span class="smcap">John Tenniel</span>; there are some tender Idyls, by +<span class="smcap">Frederick Walker</span>, a delicious "<i>Reverie</i>," by <span class="smcap">Leslie</span>, a delightful +"<i>Pet</i>," by <span class="smcap">E. K. Johnson</span>, wondrous Landscapes, by <span class="smcap">Birket Foster</span>, a +riverain poem, by <span class="smcap">C. J. Lewis</span>, and Dutch Symphonies, by <span class="smcap">Wilfrid Ball</span>. +Sir <span class="smcap">John Gilbert</span>, <span class="smcap">T. S. Cooper</span>, and <span class="smcap">F. Dicksee</span>, are well represented; +and among the earlier Water-colour Masters we may find such +distinguished names as <span class="smcap">J. M. W. Turner</span>, P. de <span class="smcap">Wint</span>, <span class="smcap">Copley Fielding</span>, and +<span class="smcap">David Cox</span>. There are lots of others, and, if you are left to browse amid +nearly three hundred excellent pictures, you ought to enjoy yourself +very much indeed, and find your mind so much improved when you come out, +that you will think it belongs to somebody else. In spite then of the +carping of <span class="smcap">Carr</span>, and the hallucinations of <span class="smcap">Hallé</span>, we declare this to be +the Ag-New Gallery.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>"<i><span class="smcap">La</span> Nona.</i>"—Is the new malady fact or fiction? Don't know, but anyhow +it's your "Grandmother."</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 5%"> +<a href="images/156b.gif"> +<img src="images/156b.gif" width="100%" alt="Pointing finger" /></a> +</div> + +<blockquote><p>NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no +exception.</p></blockquote> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +98, March 29, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 30739-h.htm or 30739-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/0/7/3/30739/ + +Produced by Neville Allen,Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> diff --git a/30739-h/images/145.png b/30739-h/images/145.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1daccfb --- /dev/null +++ b/30739-h/images/145.png diff --git a/30739-h/images/146.png b/30739-h/images/146.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..233f66a --- /dev/null +++ b/30739-h/images/146.png diff --git a/30739-h/images/147a.png b/30739-h/images/147a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..085a629 --- /dev/null +++ b/30739-h/images/147a.png diff --git a/30739-h/images/147b.png b/30739-h/images/147b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..03626dc --- /dev/null +++ b/30739-h/images/147b.png diff --git a/30739-h/images/148a.png b/30739-h/images/148a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a272a61 --- /dev/null +++ b/30739-h/images/148a.png diff --git a/30739-h/images/148b.png b/30739-h/images/148b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c0f4cea --- /dev/null +++ b/30739-h/images/148b.png diff --git a/30739-h/images/148c.png b/30739-h/images/148c.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f784c1e --- /dev/null +++ b/30739-h/images/148c.png diff --git a/30739-h/images/150.png b/30739-h/images/150.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..23bc654 --- /dev/null +++ b/30739-h/images/150.png diff --git a/30739-h/images/153a.png b/30739-h/images/153a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..862fedd --- /dev/null +++ b/30739-h/images/153a.png diff --git a/30739-h/images/153b.png b/30739-h/images/153b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0cd7af7 --- /dev/null +++ b/30739-h/images/153b.png diff --git a/30739-h/images/154.png b/30739-h/images/154.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..41a41cd --- /dev/null +++ b/30739-h/images/154.png diff --git a/30739-h/images/155.png b/30739-h/images/155.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..030d044 --- /dev/null +++ b/30739-h/images/155.png diff --git a/30739-h/images/156a.png b/30739-h/images/156a.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9ad3195 --- /dev/null +++ b/30739-h/images/156a.png diff --git a/30739-h/images/156b.gif b/30739-h/images/156b.gif Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8fa6bbf --- /dev/null +++ b/30739-h/images/156b.gif diff --git a/30739.txt b/30739.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..05fb0d2 --- /dev/null +++ b/30739.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1409 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, +March 29, 1890, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 98, March 29, 1890 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Cowley Burnand + +Release Date: December 22, 2009 [EBook #30739] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen,Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, + + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOLUME 98. + + MARCH 29, 1890. + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS. + +No. IX.--UNDER THE HARROW. + +_A Conventional Comedy-Melodrama, in two Acts._ + +CHARACTERS. + + SIR POSHBURY PUDDOCK (_a haughty and high-minded Baronet_). + + VERBENA PUDDOCK (_his Daughter_). + + LORD BLESHUGH (_her Lover_). + + SPIKER (_a needy and unscrupulous Adventurer_). + + BLETHERS (_an ancient and attached Domestic_). + +ACT I.--SCENE--_The Morning Room, at Natterjack Hall, Toadley-le-Hole; +large window open at back, with heavy practicable sash._ + +[Illustration] + +_Enter_ BLETHERS. + +_Blethers._ Sir POSHBURY'S birthday to-day--his birthday!--and the +gentry giving of him presents. Oh, Lor! if they only knew what _I_ could +tell 'em!... Ah, and _must_ tell, too, before long--but not yet--not +yet! [_Exit._ + +_Enter_ Lord BLESHUGH _and_ VERBENA. + +_Verb._ Yes, Papa is forty to-day; (_innocently_) fancy living to _that_ +age! The tenants have presented him with a handsome jar of mixed +pickles, with an appropriate inscription. Papa is loved and respected by +every one. And I--well, I have made him a little housewife, containing +needles and thread.... See! [_Shows it._ + +_Lord Blesh. (tenderly)._ I say, I--I wish you would make _me_ a little +housewife! + + [_Comedy love-dialogue omitted owing to want of space._ + +_Verb._ Oh, do look!--there's Papa crossing the lawn with, oh, such a +horrid man following him! + +_Lord B._ Regular bounder. Shocking bad hat! + +_Verb._ Not so bad as his boots, and _they_ are not so bad as his face! +Why doesn't Papa order him to go away? Oh, he is actually inviting him +in! + +_Enter_ Sir POSHBURY, _gloomy and constrained, with_ SPIKER, _who is +jaunty, and somewhat over-familiar_. + +_Spiker (sitting on the piano, and dusting his boots with a +handkerchief)._ Cosy little shanty you've got here, PUDDOCK--very tasty! + +_Sir P. (with a gulp)._ I am--ha--delighted that you approve of it! Ah, +VERBENA! [_Kisses her on forehead._ + +_Spiker._ Your daughter, eh? Pooty gal. Introduce me. + + [_Sir_ POSH. _introduces him--with an effort_. + +_Verbena. (coldly)._ How do you do? Papa, did you know that the sashline +of this window was broken? If it is not mended, it will fall on +somebody's head, and perhaps kill him! + +_Sir. P. (absently)._ Yes--yes, it shall be attended to; but leave us, +my child, go. BLESHUGH, this--er--gentleman and I have business of +importance to discuss. + +_Spiker._ Don't let us drive you away, Miss; your Pa and me are only +talking over old times, that's all--eh, POSH? + +_Sir P. (in a tortured aside)._ Have a care, Sir, don't drive me too +far! (_To_ VERB.) Leave us, I say. (Lord B. and VERB. _go out, raising +their eyebrows_.) Now, Sir, what is this secret you profess to have +discovered? + +_Spiker._ Oh, a mere nothing. (_Takes out a cigar._) Got a light about +you? Thanks. Perhaps you don't recollect twenty-seven years ago this +very day, travelling from Edgware Road to Baker Street, by the +Underground Railway? + +_Sir P._ Perfectly; it was my thirteenth birthday, and I celebrated the +event by a visit to Madame TUSSAUD'S. + +_Spiker._ Exactly; it was your thirteenth birthday, and you travelled +second-class with a half-ticket--(_meaningly_)--on your thirteenth +birthday. + +_Sir P. (terribly agitated)._ Fiend that you are, how came you to learn +this? + +_Spiker._ Very simple. I was at that time in the temporary position of +ticket-collector at Baker Street. In the exuberance of boyhood, you +cheeked me. I swore to be even with you some day. + +_Sir P._ Even if--if your accusation were well-founded, how are you +going to prove it? + +_Sp._ Oh, that's easy! I preserved the half-ticket, on the chance that I +should require it as evidence hereafter. + +_Sir P. (aside)._ And so the one error of an otherwise blameless boyhood +has found me out--at last. (_To_ SPIKER.) I fear you not; my crime--if +crime indeed it was--is surely condoned by twenty-seven long years of +unimpeachable integrity! + +_Sp._ Bye-laws are bye-laws, old buck! there's no time limit in criminal +offences that ever _I_ heard of! Nothing can alter the fact that you, +being turned thirteen, obtained a half-ticket by a false representation +that you were under age. A line from me, even now, denouncing you to the +Traffic Superintendent, and I'm very much afraid---- + +_Sir P. (writhing)._ SPIKER, my--my dear friend, you won't do that--you +won't expose me? Think of my age, my position, my daughter! + +_Sp._ Ah, now you've touched the right chord! I _was_ thinking of your +daughter--a nice lady-like gal--I don't mind telling you she fetched me, +Sir, at the first glance. Give me her hand, and I burn the compromising +half-ticket before your eyes on our return from church after the +wedding. Come, that's a fair offer! + +_Sir P. (indignantly)._ My child, the ripening apple of my failing eye, +to be sacrificed to a blackmailing blackguard like you! Never while I +live! + +_Sp._ Just as you please; and, if you will kindly oblige me with writing +materials, I will just drop a line to the Traffic Superintendent---- + +_Sir P. (hoarsely)._ No, no; not _that_.... Wait, listen; I--I will +speak to my daughter. I promise nothing; but if her heart is still her +own to give, she may (mind, I do not say she _will_) be induced to link +her lot to yours, though I shall not attempt to influence her in any +way--in _any_ way. + +_Sp._ Well, you know your own business best, old Cockalorum. Here comes +the young lady, so I'll leave you to manage this delicate affair alone. +Ta-ta. I shan't be far off. + + [_Swaggers insolently out as_ VERB. _enters_. + +_Sir P._ My child, I have just received an offer for your hand. I know +not if you will consent? + +_Verb._ I can guess who has made that offer, and why. I consent with all +my heart, dear Papa. + +_Sir P._ Can I trust my ears! You consent? Noble girl! [_He embraces +her._ + +_Verb._ I was quite sure dear BLESHUGH meant to speak, and I _do_ love +him very much. + +_Sir P. (starting)._ It is not Lord BLESHUGH, my child, but Mr. SAMUEL +SPIKER, the gentleman (for he is at heart a gentleman) whom I introduced +to you just now. + +_Verb._ I have seen so little of him, Papa, I cannot love him--you must +really excuse me! + +_Sir P._ Ah, but you will, my darling, you _will_--I know your +unselfish nature--you will, to save your poor old dad from a terrible +disgrace ... yes, _disgrace_, listen! Twenty-seven years ago--(_he tells +her all_). VERBENA, at this very moment, there is a subscription on foot +in the county to present me with my photograph, done by an itinerant +photographer of the highest eminence, and framed and glazed ready for +hanging. Is that photograph never to know the nail which even now awaits +it? Can you not surrender a passing girlish fancy, to spare your fond +old father's fame? Mr. SPIKER is peculiar, perhaps, in many ways--not +quite of our _monde_--but he loves you sincerely, my child, and that is, +in itself, a recommendation. Ah, I see--my prayers are vain ... be +happy, then. As for me, let the police come--I am ready! [_Weeps._ + +_Verb._ Not so, Papa; I will marry this Mr. SPIKER, since it is your +wish. [Sir POSH. _dries his eyes_. + +_Sir P._ Here, SPIKER, my dear fellow, it is all right. Come in. She +accepts you. + +_Enter_ SPIKER. + +_Sp._ Thought she would. Sensible little gal! Well, Miss, you shan't +regret it. Bless you, we'll be as chummy together as a couple of little +dicky-birds! + +_Verb._ Mr. SPIKER, let us understand one another. I will do my best to +be a good wife to you--but chumminess is not mine to give, nor can I +promise ever to be your dicky-bird. + +_Enter_ Lord BLESHUGH. + +_Lord B._ Sir POSHBURY, may I have five minutes with you? VERBENA, you +need not go. (_Looking at_ SPIKER.) Perhaps this person will kindly +relieve us of his presence. + +_Sp._ Sorry to disoblige, old feller, but I'm on duty where Miss VERBENA +is now, you see, as she's just promised to be my wife. + +_Lord B._ _Your_ wife! + +_Verb. (faintly)._ Yes, Lord BLESHUGH, his _wife_! + +_Sir P._ Yes, my poor boy, _his_ wife! + + [VERBENA _totters, and falls heavily in a dead faint_, R.C., _upsetting +a flower-stand_; Lord BLESHUGH _staggers, and swoons on sofa_, C., +_overturning a table of knicknacks_; Sir POSHBURY _sinks into chair_, +L.C., _and covers his face with his hands_. + +_Sp. (looking down on them triumphantly)._ Under the Harrow, by Gad! +Under the Harrow! [_Curtain, and end of Act I._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STRIKING HOME.] + +_Punch loquitur:_-- + + WELL, you have got your way, my lad, + And may it prove good all round. + Liberal pay is your right, I say, + For your grim work underground. + + Rise of pay and a shorter day? + Excellent things, belike, + Yet would they were sought in another way + Than the cruel road of a Strike. + + I see you've been having a smoke, my lad; + What did you see in the smoke? + Why, some things good, and many things bad, + And nought that is matter for joke. + + At every puff there's a picture of gloom, + A moral in every pull. + Motionless wheels and idle loom, + What is their meaning in full? + + Capital's greed and Labour's need + These be fair matters for fight. + _Must_ Trade, though, suffer and poor hearts bleed? + _Must_ wrong be the road to right? + + Glad there is talk of a better way, + Truly 'tis worth the search; + For little you'll profit by higher pay + If Commerce be left in the lurch. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PROSPECTS FOR THE COMING SEASON. + +THE LIONS ARE DECIDEDLY SMALL THIS YEAR, BUT THE BEAUTIES ARE FINER, +LARGER, AND MORE LIKE EACH OTHER THAN EVER.] + + * * * * * + +A BOAT-RACE VISION. + +[Illustration] + +(_By an Oxbridge Enthusiast._) + + WINDS from the East may provoke us, + Making us angry and ill, + Dust of the Equinox choke us, + Yet we will welcome thee still, + Spring, now the runnels of primrose and crocus + Trickle all over the hill; + + Now, when the willow and osier + Flicker in diffident green; + Now, when the poplars are rosier, + When the first daisies are seen, + And the windows of draper and hosier + Are bright with their 'Varsity sheen. + + "Not what it was, Sir, in my time," + Grumbles a fogey, or two; + "Then we had really a high-time, + Lord, what mad things we would do! + Skylarking! Well, it was sky-time. + Blue! It was nothing but blue!" + + Well, let the people and papers + Say what it please them to say, + Shops of the politic drapers + Follow them, sombre or gay, + "Men" be austere, or cut capers, + Still 'tis a glorious day! + + * * * + + Visions of Sandford or Ely, + Baitsbite, or Abingdon Lock, + Skies that are stormy or steely, + Seas that we ship with a shock, + "Coaches," whose mouths are not mealy, + "Faithfuls," who riverward flock, + + Mornings, inclement and early, + Stinted tobacco and beer, + Tutors reluctant and surly, + "Finals" unpleasantly near-- + All are forgot in the hurly-- + Lo! the long looked-for is here! + + Now, at the start, as I'm eyeing + The back, that I know like a friend, + I wonder which flag will be flying + In front at the winning-post bend-- + Shall we triumph, or, fruitlessly trying, + Row it out, game to the end? + + Point after point we are clearing, + Mile after mile we have sped; + Multiplied roaring and cheering + Sound as they sound to the dead. + Surely the end we are nearing! + Yes, but I know _they_'re ahead! + + Then is the toiling and straining + Out of the tail of my eye + Somehow I see we are gaining-- + Look at the wash running by! + Now, in the minutes remaining, + Somehow we'll do it, or die. + + There are blades flashing beside us, + Dropping astern one by one. + Now they creep up--they have tied us-- + No! The spurt dies--they are done! + Gods of the 'Varsity guide us!-- + Bang! "Easy all!" We have won! + + * * * * * + +THE Coal Strike was easily settled, as all that had to be discussed were +"Miner Considerations." + + * * * * * + +"FOR THIS RELIEF, MUCH THANKS!" + + "As a sign of this gratitude, I confer upon you the dignity of Duke + of LAUENBURG, and shall also send you my life-sized Portrait."--_The + German Emperor to Prince Bismarck._ + + GOD bless you, dear Prince! Since your purpose is fixed, + It is useless, I know, to dissuade you. + I permit you to go, though my feelings are mixed, + And unmake, as my grandfather made, you. + Yet deem not ungrateful your Emperor and King; + Let me pay you my thanks at the Court rate. + So I make you a Duke, ere I let you take wing, + And, O Prince, I will send you my Portrait! + + O Pilot undaunted, brave heart and strong hand + When our planks were all riven asunder, + You alone grasped the helm, and took boldly your stand, + Nor blanched at the blast and the thunder. + And now, safe in port, we award you a prize + Of a value that men of your sort rate. + So, Prince, I will have myself painted life-size + Every inch, and I'll send you the Portrait. + + Fresh storms may be brewing. I'll face them myself. + I am young, and, O Prince, you grow older. + Stay ashore, if you wish it, retire to the shelf, + And let those steer the ship who are bolder. + Yet it shall not be said that, in parting from you, + Your King gave his thanks at a short rate; + So be henceforth a Duke, and accept as your due + What I gratefully grant you--my Portrait! + + * * * * * + +A RATEPAYER'S REPLY. + +_To Mr. Stanhope's Latest Serio-comic, Patriotic Song._ + +[Illustration] + + YOUR story's good, STANHOPE, as far as it runs, + For JOHN BULL, at last, looks like getting his guns. + But though you talk big on the strength of the four + With which you've just managed to arm Singapore, + We would like you to state precisely how long + 'Twill take you to get the next batch to Hong Kong! + For you talk in a not very confident way + Of those that are destined to guard Table Bay. + Your speech, too, with doubt seems decidedly laden, + When noting the present defences of Aden. + Though you finish the list with the news, meant to cheer + That Ceylon "should be" safe by the end of the year. + You think, to sum up, that a gratified nation + Should greet your glad statement with wild jubilation! + Well, the country does not get too often a chance + Of an honest excuse for a genuine dance, + And would step it quite gladly, if only assured + It could once from old dodges feel safely secured, + Being certain its guns, before setting to caper, + Do not exist merely on War-Office paper! + + * * * * * + +MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES. + +[Illustration] + +SOCIAL. + +"_You are one of the few people with whom I can really enjoy a quiet +talk, all to our two selves_;" _i.e._, "I should be very sorry to +introduce you to any of _my_ set." + +"_What, YOU here?_"; _i.e._, "Wonder how the deuce this confounded cad +got an invitation." + +"_Ah, by the way, just let me introduce you to Farrodust. You two +fellows ought to know each other_;" _i.e._, "Call that killing two +_bores_ with one stone." + +"_Thanks for a most delightful evening. So sorry to have to run away_;" +_i.e._, "Bored to extinction, and fairly famished. Must run down to the +Club for a snack and a smoke." + +"_I'll look at my list when I get home_;" _i.e._, "You don't catch me." + +"_Drop in any day_;" _i.e._, "When the chances are I shan't be in." + +"_No party_;" _i.e._, "Must ask him, and do it as cheaply as possible." + +"_Come as you are_;" _i.e._, "Be careful to wear evening dress." + +"_Don't trouble to answer_;" _i.e._, "Think it very rude if you don't." + +"_What! going already!_" _i.e._, "Thank goodness! Thought she'd never +move." + +"_What a fine child!_" _i.e._, "Don't know whether the brat is a boy or +girl, but must say something." + +(_To be continued._) + + * * * * * + +MODERN TYPES. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Own Type-Writer._) + +No. VI.--THE POLITICAL WOMAN. + +THE Political Woman is one upon whom, if she may be believed, the world +has never smiled. She avenges herself by recounting her wrongs and those +of her sex to all who can be induced to listen to her. In early youth +she will have taught herself by a superficial study of political history +that all great movements have depended for their success upon Women, and +that men, though they may ride on the whirlwind have had but little hand +in directing the storm. The base ingratitude which has hitherto attended +feminine effort in general, has aroused in her breast a quite particular +and personal resentment against all men who have the misfortune to +disagree with her. Hence it comes that the males who bask in the +sunshine of her approval are but few. It is noticeable, that although +she openly despises men, she makes herself, and wishes to make her +fellow women as masculine as is compatible with the wearing of +petticoats, and the cultivation of habitual inaccuracy of mind. +Moreover, although she has a fine contempt, of which she makes no +concealment, for most women, she selects as the associates of her +political enterprises and her daily life, only those men whose cast of +mind would suit better with the wearing of gowns than of trousers. + +[Illustration] + +The Political Woman is far removed from the ordinary members of Primrose +Leagues and Women's Federations, with whom the country abounds. Her +over-mastering political appetite would find no satisfaction in the mere +wearing of badges, the distribution of blankets, the passing of +common-place resolutions, or the fearful joy of knowing a secret +password and countersign. Such trifles are, in her opinion, mere whets +for the political banquet. For herself she requires far stronger meat. +From the fact, that the race of women is in physical energy inferior to +that of men, she has apparently deduced as an axiom, that nature +intended them to be equal in every respect. Few women agree with her, +fewer still show any desire for the supposed boons to the attainment of +which she is constantly urging them. Yet, the knowledge of these facts +only seems to render the Political Woman more determined in the +prosecution of her quest, and more bitter in her attacks upon men. + +At school the Political Woman will have been highly thought of as a +writer of vigorous essays, in which unconventional opinions were +expressed, in ungrammatical language. She will have formed a Debating +Society amongst her fellow-pupils, and, having caused herself to be +elected perpetual President, she will leave the Presidential arm-chair +at the beginning of every debate, in order to demolish by anticipation +all who may venture to speak after her. She will play various kinds of +music upon the piano with a uniform vigour that would serve well for the +beating of carpets, and will express much scorn for the feeble beings +who use the soft pedal, or indulge in the luxury of a "touch." + +Having left school with an ill-assorted mass of miscellaneous knowledge, +she will show her contempt for ordinary feminine accomplishments by +refusing to attend dances, and by crushing mild young men whom +misfortune may have thrown in her way. Having discovered from one of +these that he imagines the Rebecca Riots to be an incident of Old +Testament History, and has no definite views upon the currency question, +she will observe, in a tone of some bitterness, that "These are our +Governors!" and, having left him in a state of collapse, will scale the +ramparts of political discussion, in company with a Professor, who +happens to be unmarried and a Member of Parliament. After making love +for some months, by means of an interchange of political tracts, these +two will be married in a registrar's office, and will spend their +honeymoon in investigating the social requirements of Italian +organ-grinders. + +From this moment she exists chiefly as a Member or President of +innumerable Committees. No sooner does the shadow of a political idea +flit through her brain, than she forms a Committee to promote its +development. When not engaged in forming or in sitting upon Committees, +she occupies herself in delivering lectures "to Women only," or in +discussing the Woman's Suffrage question with the Member of Parliament +for her district (whom she despises) by means of letters, which she +subsequently publishes in the journal of which she is, by this time, the +proprietor, editor, and staff combined. + +In a regrettable moment of absent-mindedness she bore to the Professor a +son, whom she brings up on Spartan principles, and little else. Her home +is a centre of slatternly discomfort. She rises early, but, having +locked herself into her study, for the better composition of a discourse +on "The Sacred Right of Revolt for Women," she forgets that both the tea +and the coffee are locked in with her, and learns subsequently with +surprise, but without regret, that her husband drank water to his +breakfast. She then proceeds to regenerate the working-man, by proving +to him, that his wife is a miserable creature for submitting to his +sway, and rouses an audience of spectacled enthusiasts to frenzy by +proclaiming, that she is ready to lead them to the tented field for the +assertion of rights which the malignity of men has filched from them. +Later on, she presides over her various Committees, and she returns home +to find that her child has burnt himself by falling on to the +dining-room fire, and that her cook has given warning. + +She will eventually fail to be elected a member of the School Board, and +having written a strong book on a delicate social question, will die of +the shock of seeing it adversely reviewed in _The Spectator_. + + * * * * * + +PLAYING DARK. + +(_New Style._) + +[Illustration] + +THE great success which, in their own estimation, has attended the +endeavour to establish a series of Night Field Sports in the +neighbourhood of Melton Mowbray, so dashingly led off recently with a +regular across country Steeple Chase, "by lamplight," has, it is said, +induced the spirited organisers to extend their field of experiment; and +it is alleged that tennis, golf, hockey, and football are all to be +tried in turn, under the new conditions. That some excitement may be +reasonably looked for from the projected contests may be gathered from a +reference to the subjoined score, put on paper by the newly constituted +"Melton Mowbray Midnight Eleven," who, in a recent trial of strength +with a distinguished local Club, it will be seen, showed some capital, +if original play, in meeting their opponents in the national game, +conducted under what must have been necessarily somewhat novel and +unfamiliar conditions. + +The boundaries of the field in which the wickets were pitched were +marked out with night-lights, the only other illumination being supplied +by a couple of moderator lamps, held respectively by the Umpire and +Square-leg. The costume, of course, comprised a night-shirt and a pair +of bed-room slippers, with which was also worn a pink +dressing-gown,--pink being the colour adopted by the Club. Owing to the +absence of any moon, and also to the fact that the night was a rather +boisterous one, on account of the persistency both of wind and rain, the +play suffered from some disadvantages. However, the Eleven went pluckily +to the wicket with the following result:-- + +Mr. GEORGE P-G-T, mistaking, in the obscurity, the Umpire for + his wicket, gets out of his ground, and is instantly + stumped out 0 + +Mr. SYDNEY P-G-T treads on his wicket 0 + +Mr. OTTO P-G-T takes the Wicket-keeper's head for the ball, + and trying to "play it to leg," gives it in consequence such + a severe blow, that he is obliged to accompany the Wicket-keeper + in a cab to a hospital without finishing his innings 0 + +Mr. W. CH-PL-N treads on his wicket 0 + +Count Z-BR-SKI makes 497 in one hit. The ball being, however, + only three yards off, but escaping notice, owing to the darkness, + he is kept on the move for twenty-nine min. and a half 497 + +Mr. A. B-RN-BY stumbles over his wicket 0 + +Mr. G. W-LS-N sits on his wicket 0 + +Captain R-B-NS-N run out through losing his way in trying to + find the wicket 0 + +Mr. E. H-N-AGE trying a forward drive, but not able to see, + plays the whole of his wicket into the face of cover-point, + whom he severely bruises, and is, consequently, given out 0 + +Captain W-RN-R takes the Long-stop for the Bowler; and, so + getting the wrong side of his wicket, is bowled out in + his first over 0 + +Mr. MCN-L misled by the lights on the adjacent hedges, making + a hit, loses his way in trying a run; and finally, wandering + into a neighbouring field, unable to make his way in the + dark, rests in a ditch, in which he ultimately goes to sleep,--Not + Out 0 + +Wides (bowled chiefly at the Umpire). 1322 +Byes, &c. 704 + ---- + 2523 + +At the conclusion of the innings, as daylight was beginning to break, it +was determined to draw the stumps, it being settled that play should be +resumed on the following midnight, when the opposing team were to take +their turn at the wicket. + + * * * * * + +"POUR LES BEAUX YEUX."--Last week Dr. OGLE lectured excellently well +and very wisely on the statistics of marriage in England. Altogether, +it appears that this is not a marrying age. Those young men and maidens +who are in search of partners for life, must keep their eyes open, +and----Ogle. Very leery advice would be expected from anyone of the name +of OGLE. + + * * * * * + +ROBERT ON THE BOAT-RACE. + +AT the moment as I rites on the most importentest ewent of the hopening +Spring, the warst majority of the four millions on us is a passing their +days and nites in wundering which blew side will win. Why they is both +blew, puzzles me. If so be as they was both saleing boats, in course I +coud unnerstand it, but, as they ain't, I gives up the puzzle, and gos +a-head. + +By the by, BROWN has given me a strate tip, which I ginerously gives to +all my numerus readers. If it's a nice _light_ day, Cambrige will +suttenly win; but if it's a dull, _dark_ day, Hoxford will suttenly not +lose. So if any of my frends drops their money, it suttenly won't be my +fault. + +I remember as one year we had 'em all to dinner at the Manshun House +after the Race, and werry remarkabel fine appytites they all seemed to +have, winners and loosers alike. I spose as Hoxford lost that time, and +most likely from the same cause. For I remembers as the Company werry +kindly drunk the elth of the man who pulled the ropes on that occasion, +and he was just sech another little feller as the won as lost last year, +and wen he returned thanks he sed werry wisely, I thort, as he shood +never pull the ropes again in a great match, for if your boat won nobody +didn't give you no praise for it, but if it lost, everybody said as it +was your fault. + +I seed a good many of my respected Paytrons on that ocasion a injoying +of theirselves in their serveral ways. The _Maria Wood_ state Barge was +there in all her glory, and plenty of gay company aboard, including +several members of the honoured Copperashun. In fack you ginerally sees +a fair number on 'em when there's anythink a going forred, whether of a +usefool or a hornymental caracter. One or two other wessels carried +their onered flag. But I looked in wane for any, the werry slightest, +simptom of the County Counsel of London having put in a appearance. Poor +Fellers, what with plenty of dull, dry hard work, and not a partikle of +rashnal injoyment, no not ewen such a trifle as a bit of free wittles or +a drop of free drink, what will they be looking like at the end of their +second year of hoffis? Why it's my beleef as their werry best frends +won' kno 'em. No wunder as they all wants to get free admissions to all +the Theaters and Music Alls. Rayther shabby idear for a full blown +County Counsellor, when a shilling will take him amost anywheres. + +[Illustration] + +I thinks upon the hole as I prefers a Boat Race to an Horse Race. In the +fust place the grand excitement lasts much longer, in the nex place of +course their ain't no crewel whipping and spurring of the two gallant +Crews to make 'em go faster than possible, in the nex place their ain't +not no dust, and what a blessed loss that is I spose most on us knows by +his own blinded xperience, in the nex place there ain't but werry little +showting and borling and skreaming, and far beyond all, one is abel +direckly after the race is over, insted of rushing off to a scrowged +tent and paying 3_s._ 6_d._ for a bit of cold beef, werry Carelessly +served, to set down carmly and comfortably in one's littel cabbin, and +partake in peas and quiet of all the good things as kind friends has +purvided, while gliding smoothly along our own butifool River a returnin +to that peacefool home to witch one's thorts allers naterally turns wen +the plesure or the bizziness of the day is all over, and our strengths +is replenisht with plenty of good wittles and drink. + + ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +"GO TO BATH!"--Yes, to make sketches and flattering comments, but not to +ridicule the dulness and dinginess of the place, or the local papers +will "slate" you. They don't like "the New Bath Guy'd!" + + * * * * * + +"LENTEN ENTERTAINMENT."--Going to see SUCCI the fasting man. By the way, +very wrong of SUCCI not to avail himself of the Papal dispensation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HOUSE OF COMMONS FROM TOBY'S PRIVATE BOX.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "NONE BUT THE BRAVE DESERVE THE FARE." + +_The Rector's Wife (at School-Feast, to one of the Boys, who had been +doing very "good business")._ "WHAT'S THE MATTER, NOGGINS? DON'T YOU +FEEL WELL?" + +_Noggins._ "NO, M'M,--BUT--I'LL HEV--TO BE WUSS, M'M--AFORE I GIVE IN!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DROPPING THE PILOT.] + + * * * + +DROPPING THE PILOT. + + GREAT Pilot, whom so many storms have tried, + To see thee quit the helm at last, at last, + And slow descend that vessel's stately side, + Whilst yet waves surge and skies are overcast, + Wakes wondering memories of that mighty past, + Shaped by a guiding hand, + Strong to direct as strenuous to command. + When yet did a great ship on the great sea + Drop Pilot like to thee? + + The "wakeful Palinurus" of old song + Drowsed at the last, and floods his corpse did whelm; + But thou hast ever been alert as strong, + Pilot who never slumbered at the helm. + Impetuous youth aspires to rear a realm, + And the State-bark to steer + In other fashion. Is it faith or fear + Fills the old Pilot's spirit as he moves + Slow from the post he loves? + + No "branch in Lethe dipped by Morpheus" slacks + This Pilot's sight, or vanquishes his force. + The ship he leaves may steer on other tacks; + Will the new Palinurus hold her course + With hand as firm and skill of such resource? + He who, AEneas-like, + Now takes the helm himself, perchance may strike + On sunken shoals, or wish, on the wild main, + The old Pilot back again. + + These things are on the knees of the great gods; + But, hap what hap, that slow-descending form, + Which oft hath stood with winds and waves at odds, + And almost single-handed braved the storm, + Shows an heroic shape; and high hearts warm + To that stout grim-faced bulk + Of manhood looming large against the hulk + Of the great Ship, whose course, at fate's commands, + He leaves to lesser hands! + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, March 17._--St. Patrick's Day in the evening. +Every Irish Member carries in buttonhole bit of withered grass; at least +looks like withered grass. DICK POWER says it's shamrock. Anyhow it +leads to dining-out, and business to fore being nothing more important +than voting a few millions sterling for the Navy, House almost empty. + +"So much the better for me," says GEORGIE HAMILTON, in charge of Navy +Estimates; "the fewer Members the more Votes." + +So it proved. Whilst GEORGIE descanting on excellence of Naval +Administration, House so empty that Count moved. A little hard this on a +Minister in charge of most important department of State; but, after +all, Votes were the thing, and Votes were taken hand-over-hand. +GEORGIE'S oration being cut short by attempt to Count he sat down, and +as quick as Chairman could put question L3,312,500 of our hard-earned +money was voted. Hadn't been in the House five minutes when bang went +another million. Only half-a-dozen of us present, including WILSON of +Hull, who sat on edge of Bench, with hat in hand, staring at COURTNEY, +as he ticked off million after million. For myself, as representing a +Constituency of the Gentlemen of England, grew rather to like it. +Something exhilarating in the consciousness that you, being one of eight +Members representing the House of Commons, can say "Aye" or "No" to +proposal to vote a million sterling more or less. "The question is," +says COURTNEY, "that a sum not exceeding L1,103,200 be voted to HER +MAJESTY on account of sums falling due for victualling, clothing and +Naval establishments. Those that are of that opinion, say 'Aye;' +contrary 'No.'" + +Well, what shall you do? Pretty stiff sum; get a pretty lot of victuals +for the million; several suits of clothes for the L103,000. Should you, +just to show your independence, knock off the odd L200? No. Barks likes +the thing done generously. Why throw in a note of discord? Besides, it +doesn't all come out of your pocket. So you say "Aye;" GEORGIE HAMILTON +nods in grateful appreciation; COURTNEY seems relieved; the thing's +done, and you walk out with a glowing consciousness of having behaved +handsomely. + +Slight coolness sprung up between OLD MORALITY and GRANDOLPH. Of late +been on rather friendly terms, despite occasional kicking over of the +traces by GRANDOLPH. + +"Boys will be boys," OLD MORALITY says, smiling genially on his young +friend. To-day little hitch arisen; GRANDOLPH has sent to papers text of +his Memorandum addressed to FIRST LORD of TREASURY in 1888, warning them +against appointing Special Commission. GRANDOLPH, having set forth with +masterly force his objections to scheme, winds up with remark:--"These +reflections have been sketched out concisely. _If submitted to a +Statesman_, many more, and much graver reflections, would probably be +suggested." OLD MORALITY hadn't noticed it before; but now words in +print stare him in face, doesn't like it. "'Submitted to a Statesman,'" +he murmured--"what does the fellow mean? Weren't they submitted to Me?" + +_Business done._--Voted money by hands-full. + +_Tuesday._--As a means of suffusing Treasury Bench with hearty, +unaffected hilarity, nothing so effective as a defeat in Division Lobby. +Noticed this twice of late. The other night, when HAMLEY'S Motion on +behalf of Volunteers was, _malgre lui_, carried against the Government, +you'd have thought, to look on Treasury Bench, that some good news had +suddenly flashed upon them. OLD MORALITY beaming with smiles; STANHOPE +smirking; and even the countenance of JOKIM convulsively working with +what was understood to be signs of merriment. Same thing happened +to-night. BUCHANAN brought forward Motion proposing to intrust to County +Councils duty of maintaining and protecting rights of way in Scotland. +Scotch Members united in support of popular demand, only MARK STEWART +having his doubts. Even FINLAY made bold to hint Government would do +well to listen to demand. CHAMBERLAIN openly and effectively declared on +behalf of Resolution; Government seemed to be in tight place; OLD +MORALITY moved uneasily in seat; still it would never do to interfere +with Dukes and others furtively or openly engaged in the task of closing +up paths over mountains, or shutting off walks by the lakes. Very +awkward and inconsiderate of CHAMBERLAIN going off on this tack. + +"Can't eat your cake and have it, you know," OLD MORALITY said, +unconsciously forming the words on his copy of the Orders in large +copy-book hand, "Mustn't play fast and loose with custodians of the +Union. Oughtn't to look back when you put your hand to the plough. +Should go the whole hog or none." These and other comforting phrases he +wrote out in best copper-plate, filling up time whilst House cleared for +Division. But when Tellers came back, and it was known that Resolution +was carried against Government, clouds passed away. + +OLD MORALITY tore up his copy-book headings, thrust hands in pockets; +assumed truculently jovial air; nearly died of laughing when SPEAKER +announced figures showing Government had been defeated by 13. His +hilarity contagious. Mr. BIDDULPH standing for a moment in the doorway +below the shadow of the Gallery, looked on, his face slowly broadening +into responsive smile. + +"Well," said he, "of all the rollicking dogs I ever came across, there +never was a pack to equal Her Majesty's Ministers in the hour of +defeat." + +_Business done._--BUCHANAN'S Right of Way Motion carried against +Government by 110 against 97. + +_Wednesday._--"I like this quite quiet hour, TOBY," said the SPEAKER, as +I sat on the Treasury Bench, he at Table, waiting for a quorum. "It +gives me opportunity of reading in _Freeman's Journal verbatim_ reports +of speeches by TANNER, SHEEHY, and WILLIAM REDMOND. Heard them +delivered, of course; but there are some pleasures one likes to renew." + +Should have begun business at twelve; now getting on for one. ALBERT +ROLLIT in charge of Bankruptcy Bill with back to wall waiting for a +quorum. "Must see," he says, "if I can't frame Clause dealing specially +with Parliamentary proceedings. We shall shortly be bankrupt here if +this sort of thing goes on. Composition of four and a-half hours' +sitting on Wednesday afternoon scarcely enough to justify honourable +discharge." + +Everything comes to man who waits. Quorum came for ROLLIT. Numbers +increased as he proceeded with singularly lucid address, investing even +Bankruptcy with subtle charms. Gave the tone to thoroughly business +Debate; and, even in less than the maimed period of time allotted, had +carried his Bill through Second Reading. + +_Business done._--Bankruptcy Bill read Second Time. + +[Illustration: MAXIMS FOR THE BAR. No. III. + +"Never allow the Judge to bully you. On the contrary, be firm with +_him_."] + +_Thursday._--JOHN O'CONNOR pervading House with profoundest mystery. +When Orders of Day called on, JOHN rose to his full height (6 foot 4 of +human kindness and geniality), and said, "Mr. SPEAKER!" Motion was, that +House should go into Committee of Supply. According to New Rules, +SPEAKER leaves Chair without putting Question; Question not put, obvious +no one could discuss it. But here was JOHN insisting on catching the +SPEAKER'S eye. + +"Mr. SPEAKER!" he repeated, "I want to discuss some of the +irregularities of the Government." + +But SPEAKER had executed strategic retreat; Chair empty; JOHN standing +on tiptoe, followed retreating figure with despairing cry, "Mr. +SPEAKER!" House half hoped SPEAKER would return; dying with curiosity to +know what fresh irregularity on part of Government JOHN had discovered; +but no help for it. Chair empty; technically "No House;" and JOHN, +slowly subsiding, shutting up like a reluctant telescope, resumed seat. + +Prince ARTHUR, back from Golf at Eastbourne, looking better for his +holiday, lounged on Treasury Bench watching scene. "Alas!" he cried, +eyeing JOHN with dreamy glance, what time the fingers of his hand--a +strayed reveller--fitfully played with the rolled copy of his Orders, as +if it were his cherished Mandoline-- + + "Alas for those who never sing, + But die with all their music in them." + +_Business done._--Vote on Account passed. + +_Friday._--Lords had nice little "plant" on to-night. The SAGE OF QUEEN +ANNE'S GATE got first place in other House for Motion decreeing their +abolition. "Such larks!" says the MARKISS; "let's get up big debate here +on House of Commons subject; draw away their men; leave SAGE in lurch." + +So arranged Debate on Report of Parnell Commission for to-night. Full +dress affair; all the big guns to go off; Curiosity as to how they'd +treat too familiar subject. Plan answered admirably. Both shows running +together, Lords, as most novel entertainment, fuller spectacular +entertainment, drew the cake. Instead of crowded House that usually +waits when SAGE lunges at the Lords, beggarly array of empty Benches. +Rather depressing even for imperturbable SAGE. Little later, Members +finding things dull in Lords, came back in time to hear GEORGE CURZON. +Capital speech; sparkle on the top; but some quiet depths of closely +reasoned argument below. + +_Business done._--SAGE'S Motion for abolition of Lords negatived by 201 +Votes against 139. Thus reprieved, Lords ordered Report of Parnell +Commission to be duly recorded. + + * * * * * + +THE OLD BOND-STREET GALLERIES. + +WHY they are called the Old Bond-Street Galleries, when there is so much +that is new to be seen there, it is impossible to say. Why not call it +the New Gallery? Perhaps those trusty Tudors--who are rather more than +two doors off--Messrs. COMYNS CARR and HALLE, might object, and, even +then, only half the truth would be told. Let us ag-gravate them, and +call it the Ag-New Gallery at once! Unless it would be considered an +ag-rarian outrage, it would be impossible to give it a better ag-nomen. +Ha! ha! No matter what you call it, so long as you call and see the +collection of Water-colours. There is a vastly good "_Pygmalion and +Galatea_," by our own JOHN TENNIEL; there are some tender Idyls, by +FREDERICK WALKER, a delicious "_Reverie_," by LESLIE, a delightful +"_Pet_," by E. K. JOHNSON, wondrous Landscapes, by BIRKET FOSTER, a +riverain poem, by C. J. LEWIS, and Dutch Symphonies, by WILFRID BALL. +Sir JOHN GILBERT, T. S. COOPER, and F. DICKSEE, are well represented; +and among the earlier Water-colour Masters we may find such +distinguished names as J. M. W. TURNER, P. de WINT, COPLEY FIELDING, and +DAVID COX. There are lots of others, and, if you are left to browse amid +nearly three hundred excellent pictures, you ought to enjoy yourself +very much indeed, and find your mind so much improved when you come out, +that you will think it belongs to somebody else. In spite then of the +carping of CARR, and the hallucinations of HALLE, we declare this to be +the Ag-New Gallery. + + * * * * * + +"_LA Nona._"--Is the new malady fact or fiction? Don't know, but anyhow +it's your "Grandmother." + +[Illustration] + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +98, March 29, 1890, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 30739.txt or 30739.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/0/7/3/30739/ + +Produced by Neville Allen,Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/30739.zip b/30739.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..397b5b0 --- /dev/null +++ b/30739.zip diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..472872c --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #30739 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/30739) |
