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+Project Gutenberg's The Humors of Falconbridge, by Jonathan F. Kelley
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Humors of Falconbridge
+       A Collection of Humorous and Every Day Scenes
+
+Author: Jonathan F. Kelley
+
+Release Date: November 15, 2009 [EBook #30480]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Irma Spehar, David Cortesi and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE
+
+This etext differs from the original in the following ways. Some missing
+periods have been inserted. The original used "some how" and "somehow"
+about equally; all have been changed to "somehow." The OE ligature, used
+several times, is shown as [oe]. In the advertisements at the end of the
+book, uses of the pointing-hand symbols (Unicode #9758, White Right
+Pointing Index, and Unicode #9756, White Left Pointing Index) have been
+replaced with the right (») and left («) double-angle symbols from the
+ISO 8859-1 character set. Finally, evident typographical errors have
+been corrected as follows:
+
+  someting > something, p. 63
+  catankerous > cantankerous, p. 71
+  veloscipeding > velocipeding, p. 99
+  who'se > who's, p. 99
+  turkies > turkeys, p. 110
+  potatoe > potato, p. 121
+  knowlege > knowledge, p. 155
+  lagest > largest, p. 177
+  pass > past, p. 190
+  develope > develop, p. 249
+  ot > not, p. 257
+  governer > governor, p. 257
+  handerchief > handkerchief, p. 261
+  poverity > poverty, p. 279
+  reconnoissances > reconnaissances, p. 281
+  himsesf > himself, p. 288
+  peaking > peeking, p. 311
+  sponser > sponsor, p. 313
+  aspsrations > aspirations, p. 336
+  mortaged > mortgaged, p. 376
+  woful > woeful, p. 400
+  domicils > domiciles, p. 400
+  Amercian > American, p. 409
+  lubago > lumbago, p. 412
+  somethiug > something, p. 420
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Go--goo--good Lord-d d! Ho--ho--hol--hold on!" "O, yeez
+needn't be afear'd of that--I'm howldin' yeez tight as a divil!"--_Page_
+92.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+                 HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Are you de man advertised for de dogs, sa-a-ay? You
+needn't be afraid o' dem; come a'here, lay down, Balty--day's de dogs,
+mister, vot you read of!" "Ain't they rather fierce," responded the
+rural sportsman, eyeing the ugly brutes. "Fierce? Better believe dey
+are--show 'em a f-f-ight, if you want to see 'em go in for de chances!
+You want to see der teeth?"--_Page_ 136.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+                           THE
+
+                 HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE:
+
+                     A COLLECTION OF
+              HUMOROUS AND EVERY DAY SCENES.
+
+                            BY
+
+                   JONATHAN F. KELLEY.
+
+                      Philadelphia:
+             T. B. PETERSON, No. 102 CHESTNUT STREET.
+
+               [Library stamp: Univ. of California]
+
+     Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1856, by
+
+                      T. B. PETERSON,
+
+  In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States,
+         in and for the Eastern District of Pennsylvania.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+                        TO
+              ISAAC S. CLOUGH, ESQ.,
+                OF MASSACHUSETTS,
+
+   AS A SLIGHT TOKEN OF MY REGARDS FOR YOUR JUST
+            APPRECIATION OF A GOOD THING,
+
+                  AS WELL AS FOR
+
+  YOUR RARE GOOD SOCIAL WIT AND AGREEABLE QUALITIES;
+
+                 AND MORE THAN ALL,
+
+  FOR YOUR GENEROUS SPIRIT AND WELL-TESTED FRIENDSHIP,
+
+              I DO WITH SINCERE PLEASURE,
+
+     Dedicate unto you this Volume of my Sketches.
+
+                           FRATERNALLY YOURS,
+
+                                        FALCONBRIDGE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF THE LATE JONATHAN F. KELLY.
+
+
+The life of a literary man offers but few points upon which even the
+pens of his professional brethren can dwell, with the hope of exciting
+interest among that large and constantly increasing class who have a
+taste for books. The career of the soldier may be colored by the hues of
+romantic adventure; the politician may leave a legacy to history, which
+it would be ingratitude not to notice; but what triumphs or matters of
+exciting moment can reasonably be hoped for in the short existence of
+one who has merely been a writer for the press? After death has stilled
+the pulses of a generous man such as Mr. Kelly was, it is with small
+anticipation of rendering a satisfactory return, that any one can
+undertake to sketch the principal events of his life.
+
+It is, perhaps, a matter for felicitation that Mr. Kelly has been his
+own autobiographer. His narratives and recitals are nearly all personal.
+They are mostly the results of his own observation and experience; and
+those who, in accordance with a practice we fear now too little attended
+to, read the Preface before the body of the work, will, we trust,
+understand that the stories in which "Falconbridge" claims to have been
+an actor, are to be received with as much confidence as truthful
+accounts, as if some Boswell treasured them up with care, and minutely
+detailed them for the admiration of those who should follow after him.
+
+Jonathan F. Kelly was born in Philadelphia, on the 14th day of August,
+A. D. 1817. Young Jonathan was, at the proper age, placed at school,
+where he acquired the rudiments of a plain English education, sufficient
+to enable him, with the practice and experience to be gained in the
+world, to improve the advantages derived from his tuition. He was, while
+yet a boy, placed for a time in a grocery store, and subsequently was
+employed by Lewis W. Glenn, a perfumer, whose place of business was then
+in Third street above Walnut.
+
+In 1837, Jonathan, being of the age of nineteen years, determined to go
+out into the world to seek adventure and fortune. He accordingly set out
+for that great region to which attention was then turned--the Western
+country. Having but slight means to pay the expenses of traveling, he
+walked nearly the whole of the journey. At Chillicothe, in Ohio, his
+wanderings were for a time ended. The exposure to which he had been
+subjected, caused a very severe attack of pleurisy. It happened most
+fortunately for him that a kind farmer, Mr. John A. Harris, pitied the
+boy; whose sprightliness, social accomplishments, and good conduct, had
+made a favorable impression. He was taken into Mr. Harris' family, and
+assiduously nursed during an indisposition which lasted more than two
+months. This circumstance appeased his roving disposition for a time,
+and he remained upon the farm of his good friend, Mr. Harris, for two
+years, making himself practically acquainted with the life and toils of
+an agriculturist. In 1839, he concluded to return to Philadelphia, where
+he remained for a time with his family. But the spirit of adventure
+returned. He connected himself with a theatrical company, and traveling
+through Delaware, Maryland, and Virginia, was finally checked in his
+career at Pittsburg, where he undertook the management of a hotel. This
+business not being congenial, he soon sold out the establishment, and
+returned to Philadelphia. He shortly afterwards started away on a
+theatrical tour, which extended through most of the Southern States, and
+into Texas. In this tour, Mr. Kelly went through a great variety of
+adventures, saw many strange scenes, and obtained a fund of amusing
+experience, which afterward served him to great advantage in his
+literary sketches. After having thoroughly exhausted his roving desires,
+he returned to Philadelphia, where, indeed, upon his previous visit, he
+had become subject to a new attraction, the most powerful which could be
+found to restrain his wandering impulses. He had become acquainted with
+a worthy young lady, to whom, upon his return, and in the year 1842, he
+was married.
+
+This union changed the thoughts and objects of Mr. Kelly. His wild,
+bachelor life was over; and he seriously considered how it was possible
+for him who had been educated to no regular business, to find the means
+of support for himself and family. Believing himself to have some
+literary capacity, he was induced to go to Pittsburg, in order to
+commence a newspaper in partnership with U. J. Jones. This enterprise
+was not a successful one, and with his companion he went to Cincinnati,
+where he enlisted in another newspaper speculation. The result of that
+attempt was equally unpropitious. Dissolving their interests, Mr. Kelly
+then removed with his family to New York. Here he commenced a journal
+devoted to theatrical and musical criticism, and intelligence, entitled
+"The Archer." Mr. J. W. Taylor was a partner with him in the
+publication. The twain also engaged in the fancy business, having a
+store in Broadway, above Grand street. The adventure there not being
+very successful, the partnership in that branch of their concern was
+dissolved, and Mr. Kelly commenced a book and periodical store nearly
+opposite. This was about the year 1844. "The Archer" was soon after
+discontinued, and Mr. K. returned to Philadelphia. About this time he
+commenced writing contributions for various newspapers, under the
+signature of "Falconbridge." His essays in this line, which were
+published in the "New York Spirit of the Times," were received with much
+favor, and widely copied by the press throughout the country. The
+reputation thus attained, was such that he found himself in a fair way
+to make a lucrative and pleasant livelihood. His sketches were in
+demand, and were readily sold, whilst the prices were remunerative, and
+enabled him to attain a degree of domestic comfort which he had before
+that time not known. From Philadelphia he removed to Boston, where he
+hoped to find permanent employment as an editor. During six months he
+relied upon the sale of his sketches, and again returned to New York,
+from which he was recalled by an advantageous offer from Paige & Davis,
+if he would undertake the control of "The Bostonian." He filled the
+editorial chair of that paper for two years, when it was discontinued.
+He had now plenty to do, and was constantly engaged upon sketches for
+the "Yankee Blade," "The N. Y. Spirit of the Times," and many other
+journals and magazines, adopting the signatures, "Falconbridge," "Jack
+Humphries," "O. K.," "Cerro Gordo," "J. F. K.," etc. During this time he
+projected "The Aurora Borealis," which was published in Boston. It was
+really one of the most handsome and humorous journals ever commenced in
+the United States, but it was very expensive. After some months' trial,
+"The Aurora Borealis" was abandoned. Mr. Kelly remained in Boston as a
+general literary contributor to various journals until, in 1851, he was
+induced to undertake the management of a paper at Waltham, Mass.,
+entitled "The Waltham Advocate." This enterprise, after six months
+trial, did not offer sufficient inducements to continue it, and Mr.
+Kelly returned with his family to Boston. Whilst in that city, he had
+the misfortune to lose his eldest son, a fine promising boy about five
+years and four months old; he died after a sickness of between two and
+three days. Mr. Kelly was a kind and excellent husband, and affectionate
+father. He doted on his child; and the loss so preyed upon his spirits,
+that it produced a brooding melancholy, which he predicted would
+eventually cause his death. After this time, General Samuel Houston, of
+Texas, made him very advantageous and liberal offers if he would
+establish himself in that State. He left Boston for the purpose, but was
+detained in Philadelphia by the sickness of another favorite child.
+Whilst thus delayed, a proposal was made him to undertake the editorship
+of "The New York Dutchman." He remained in that position about four
+months, when still more advantageous offers were tendered him to conduct
+"The Great West," published at Cincinnati. In September, 1854, he
+reached that city, and entered upon his duties. He continued in the
+discharge of them about four months. In the meanwhile, he had become
+associated with the American party; and induced by those promises which
+politicians make freely, and perform rarely, he left the journal to
+which he was attached, to establish a paper entitled "The American
+Platform." But two numbers of this effort were published. Whilst his
+writings were lively and flowing, he was sick at heart. The loss of his
+son still weighed on his mind, and he was an easy prey to pestilence. He
+was attacked by Asiatic cholera; and died on the 21st of July, 1855,
+after twenty-four hours' illness, leaving a widow and three children to
+mourn his early death. His remains were deposited in Spring Grove
+Cemetery. There rests beneath the soil of that beautiful garden of the
+dead, no form whose impulses in life were more honest, generous, and
+noble, than those which guided the actions of Jonathan F. Kelly.
+
+The writer of this short biography, who only knew Mr. Kelly by his
+literary works, and whose narrative has been made up from the
+information of friends, feels that he would scarcely discharge the duty
+he has assumed, without a few words of reflection upon the fitful
+career so slightly traced. For the useful purpose of life, it may well
+be doubted whether a dull, plodding disposition is not more certain of
+success, than lively, impulsive genius. Perseverance in any one calling,
+with a steady determination to turn aside for no collateral inducements,
+and a patience which does not become discouraged at the first
+disappointment, is necessary to the ultimate prosperity of every man.
+The newspaper business is one which particularly requires constant
+application, a determination to do the best in the present, and a firm
+reliance upon success in the future. There is scarcely a journal or
+newspaper in the United States, which has succeeded without passing
+through severe ordeals, whilst the slow public were determining whether
+it should be patronized, or waiting to discover whether it is likely to
+become permanently established. Mr. Kelly's wanderings in early life
+seem to have tinctured his later career with the hue of instability.
+Ever, it would seem, ready to enlist in any new enterprise, he was led
+to abandon those occupations, which, if persevered in, would probably
+have been triumphant. His life was a constant series of changes, in
+which ill-luck seems to have continually triumphed, because ill-luck was
+not sufficiently striven with. In all these mutations, it will be the
+solace of those who knew and loved him, that however his judgment may
+have led him astray from worldly advantage, his heart was always
+constant to his family. Affectionate and generous in disposition, he was
+true to them; and he persevered in laboring for them under every
+disadvantage. Altering his position--at times an editor--at times an
+assistant-editor--anon changing his business as new hopes were roused
+in his bosom--and then being a mere writer, depending upon the sale of
+his fugitive sketches for the means of support--in all these experiments
+with Fortune, he was ever true to the fond spirit which gently ruled at
+home. For the great purposes, and high moral lessons of existence, a
+faithful, constant heart has a wealth richer and more bountiful than can
+be bought with gold.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+                                                              PAGE
+
+  If it ain't Right, I'll make it all Right in the Morning,     33
+  Don't you believe in 'em,                                     37
+  The old Black Bull,                                           38
+  Dobbs makes "a Pint,"                                         42
+  Used up,                                                      43
+  The greatest Moral Engine,                                    50
+  The Story of Capt. Paul,                                      51
+  Hereditary Complaints,                                        58
+  Nights with the Caucusers,                                    59
+  Affecting Cruelty,                                            64
+  The Wolf Slayer,                                              65
+  The Man that knew 'em All,                                    74
+  A severe Spell of Sickness,                                   79
+  The Race of the Aldermen,                                     80
+  Getting Square,                                               85
+  People do differ,                                             89
+  Bill Whiffletree's Dental Experience,                         90
+  A-a-a-in't they Thick?                                        96
+  A desperate Race,                                            101
+  Dodging the Responsibility,                                  107
+  A Night Adventure in Prairie Land,                           108
+  Roosting Out,                                                114
+  Rather Twangy,                                               119
+  Passing around the Fodder,                                   120
+  A Hint to Soyer,                                             123
+  The Leg of Mutton,                                           124
+  A Chapter on Misers,                                         129
+  Dog Day,                                                     133
+  Amateur Gardening,                                           138
+  The two Johns at the Tremont,                                139
+  The Yankee in a Boarding School,                             144
+  A dreadful State of Excitement,                              149
+  Ralph Waldo Emerson,                                         154
+  Humbug,                                                      158
+  Hotel keeping,                                               159
+  "According to Gunter,"                                       164
+  Quartering upon Friends,                                     165
+  Jake Hinkle's Failings,                                      174
+  What's going to Happen,                                      176
+  The Washerwoman's Windfall,                                  177
+  We don't Wonder at it,                                       181
+  Old Maguire and his Horse Bonny Doon,                        182
+  Getting into the "Right Pew,"                                187
+  A circuitous Route,                                          192
+  Major Blink's first Season at Saratoga,                      193
+  Old Jack Ringbolt,                                           198
+  Who killed Capt. Walker?                                     199
+  Practical Philosophy,                                        203
+  Borrowed Finery; or, killed off by a Ballet Girl,            204
+  Legal Advice,                                                209
+  Wonders of the Day,                                          213
+  "Don't know you, Sir!"                                       214
+  A circumlocutory Egg Pedler,                                 219
+  Jolly old Times,                                             223
+  The Pigeon Express Man,                                      224
+  Jipson's great Dinner Party,                                 229
+  Look out for them Lobsters,                                  236
+  The Fitzfaddles at Hull,                                     241
+  Putting me on a Platform!                                    247
+  The exorbitancy of Meanness,                                 251
+  "Taking down" a Sheriff,                                     252
+  Governor Mifflin's First Coal Fire,                          257
+  Sure Cure,                                                   261
+  Chasing a fugitive Subscriber,                               262
+  Ambition,                                                    266
+  Way the Women fixed the Tale-bearer,                         267
+  Penalty of kissing your own Wife,                            272
+  Mysteries and Miseries of Housekeeping,                      274
+  Miseries of a Dandy,                                         279
+  A juvenile Joe Miller,                                       284
+  "Selling" a Landlord,                                        285
+  Scientific Labor,                                            288
+  Who was that poor Woman?                                     289
+  Infirmities of Nature,                                       293
+  Andrew Jackson and his Mother,                               294
+  Snaking out Sturgeons,                                       299
+  Mixing Meanings--Mangling English,                           301
+  Waking up the wrong Passenger,                               302
+  Genius for Business,                                         306
+  Have you got any old Boots?                                  307
+  The Vagaries of Nature,                                      312
+  A general disquisition on "Hinges,"                          317
+  Miseries of Bachelorhood,                                    321
+  The Science of Diddling,                                     322
+  The re-union; Thanksgiving Story,                            324
+  Cabbage _vs._ Men,                                           330
+  Wanted--A young Man from the Country,                        331
+  Presence of Mind,                                            336
+  The Skipper's Schooner,                                      337
+  Philosophy of the Times,                                     340
+  The Emperor and the Poor Author,                             341
+  The bigger fool, the better Luck,                            352
+  An active Settlement,                                        356
+  A Yankee in a Pork-house,                                    357
+  German Caution,                                              361
+  Ben. McConachy's great Dog Sell,                             362
+  The Perils of Wealth,                                        367
+  Nursing a Legacy,                                            372
+  The Troubles of a Mover,                                     377
+  The Question Settled,                                        382
+  How it's done at the Astor House,                            383
+  The Advertisement,                                           387
+  Incidents in a Fortune-hunter's Life,                        400
+  A Distinction with a Difference,                             408
+  Pills and Persimmons,                                        409
+  Mysteries and Miseries of the Life of a City Editor,         414
+  The Tribulations of Incivility,                              415
+  The Broomstick Marriage,                                     420
+  Appearances are Deceitful,                                   427
+  Cigar Smoke,                                                 431
+  An everlasting tall Duel,                                    432
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+           THE HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+If it ain't right, I'll make it all right in the Morning!
+
+
+A keen, genteely dressed, gentlemanly man "put up" at Beltzhoover's
+Hotel, in Baltimore, one day some years ago, and after dining very
+sumptuously every day, drinking his Otard, Margieux and Heidsic, and
+smoking his "Tras," "Byrons," and "Cassadoras," until the landlord began
+to surmise the "bill" getting voluminous, he made the clerk foot it up
+and present it to our modern Don Cæsar De Bazan, who, casting his eye
+over the long lines of perpendicularly arranged figures, discovered
+that--which in no wise alarmed him, however--he was in for a matter of a
+cool C!
+
+"Ah! yes, I see; _well_, I presume it's all right, all correct, sir, no
+doubt about it," says Don Cæsar.
+
+"No doubt at all, sir," says the polite clerk,--"we seldom present a
+bill, sir, until the gentlemen are about to leave, sir; but when the
+bills are unusually large, sir--"
+
+"Large, sir? Large, my dear fellow"--says the Don--"bless your soul, you
+don't call _that_ large? Why, sir, a--a--that is, when I was in
+Washington, at Gadsby's, sir, bless you, I frequently had my friends
+of the Senate and the Ministers to dine at my rooms, and what do you
+suppose my bills averaged a week, there, sir?"
+
+"I can't possibly say, sir--must have counted up very _heavy_, sir, I
+think," responds the clerk.
+
+"Heavy! ha! ha! you may well say they were _heavy_, my dear
+fellow--_five and eight hundred dollars a week!_" says the Don, with a
+nonchalance that would win the admiration of a flash prince of the
+realm.
+
+"O, no doubt of it, sir; it is very expensive to keep company, and
+entertain the government officers, at Washington, sir," the clerk
+replies.
+
+"You're right, my dear fellow; you're right. But let me see," and here
+the Don stuck a little glass in the corner of his eye, and glanced at
+the bill; "ah, yes, I see, $102.51--a--a--something--all right, I
+presume; if it ain't right, _we'll make it all right in the morning_."
+
+"Very good, sir; that will answer, sir," says the clerk, about to bow
+himself out of the room.
+
+"One moment, if you please, my dear fellow; that Marteux of yours is
+really superb. A friend dined here yesterday with me--he is a--a
+gentleman who imports a--a great deal of wine; he a--a--pronounces your
+Schreider an elegant article. I shall entertain some friends to-night,
+here, and do you see that we have sufficient of that 'Marteux' and
+'Schreider' cooling for us; my friends are judges of a pure article, and
+a--a I wish them to have a--a good opinion of your house. Understand?"
+
+"Ah, yes, sir; that'll be all right," says the clerk.
+
+"Of course; if it ain't, I'll make it all right in the morning!" says
+the Don Cæsar, as the official vanished.
+
+"Well, Charles, did you present that gentleman's bill?" asks the host of
+the clerk, as they met at "the office."
+
+"Yes, sir; he says it's all right, or he'll make it all right in the
+morning, sir," replies the clerk.
+
+"Very well," says the anxious host; "_see that he does it_."
+
+That evening a Captain Jones called on Don Cæsar--a servant carried up
+the card--Captain Jones was requested to walk up. Lieutenant Smith, U.
+S. N., next called--"walk up." Dr. Brown called--"walk up." Col. Green,
+his card--"walk up;" and so on, until some six or eight distinguished
+persons were walked up to Don Cæsar's private parlor; and pretty soon
+the silver necks were brought up, corks were popping, glasses were
+clinking, jests and laughter rose above the wine and cigars, and Don
+Cæsar was putting his friends through in the most approved style!
+
+Time flew, as it always does. Capt. Jones gave the party a bit of a
+salt-water song, Dr. Brown pitched in a sentiment, while Colonel Green
+and Lieutenant Smith talked largely of the "last session," what _their_
+friend Benton said to Webster, and Webster to Benton, and what Bill
+Allen said to 'em both. And Miss Corsica, the French Minister's
+daughter, what she had privately intimated to Lieutenant Smith in regard
+to American ladies, and what the Hon. so and so offered to do and say
+for Colonel Green, and so and so and so and so. Still the corks
+"popped," and the glasses jingled, and the merry jest, and the laugh
+jocund, and the rich sentiment, and richer fumes of the cigars filled
+the room.
+
+Don Cæsar kept on hurrying up the wine, and as each bottle was uncorked,
+he assured the servants--"All right; if it ain't all right, _we'll make
+it all right in the morning!_"
+
+And so Don Cæsar and his _bon vivant_ friends went it, until some two
+dozen bottles of Schreider, Hock, and Sherry had decanted, and the whole
+entire party were getting as merry as grigs, and so noisy and
+rip-roarious, that the clerk of the institution came up, and standing
+outside of the door, sent a servant to Don Cæsar, to politely request
+that gentleman to step out into the hall one moment.
+
+"What's that?" says the Don; "speak loud, I've got a buzzing in my ears,
+and can't hear whispers."
+
+"Mr. Tompkins, sir, the clerk of the house, sir," replies the servant,
+in a sharp key.
+
+"Well, what the deuce of Tompkins--hic--what does he--hic--does he want?
+Tell--hic--tell him it's--hic--all right, or we'll make it all
+right--hic--_in the morning_."
+
+Mr. Tompkins then took the liberty of stepping inside, and slipping up
+to Don Cæsar, assured him that himself and friends were _a little too
+merry_, but Don Cæsar assured Tompkins--
+
+"It's all--hic--right, mi boy, all--hic--right; these
+gentlemen--hic--are all _gentlemen_, my--hic--personal friends--hic--and
+it's all right--hic--all perfectly--hic--right, or we'll make it all
+right in the morning."
+
+"That we do not question, sir," says the clerk, "but there are many
+persons in the adjoining rooms whom you'll disturb, sir; I speak for the
+credit of the house."
+
+"O--hic--certainly, certainly, mi boy; I'll--hic--I'll speak to the
+gentlemen," says the Don, rising in his chair, and assuming a very
+solemn graveness, peculiar to men in the fifth stage of libation deep;
+"Gentlemen--hic--_gentle_men, I'm requested to state--hic--that--hic--a
+very _serious_ piece of intelligence--hic--has met my ear. This
+_gentle_man--hic--says somebody's dead in the next--hic--room."
+
+"Not at all, sir; I did not say that, sir," says the clerk.
+
+"Beg--hic--your pardon, sir--hic--it's all right; if it ain't all right,
+I'll make it--hic--_all right in the morning!_ Gentlemen, let's--hic--us
+all adjourn; let's change the see--hic--scene, call a
+coach--hic--somebody, let's take a ride--hic--and return and go
+to--hic--our pious--hic--rest."
+
+Having delivered this order and exhortation, Don Cæsar arose on his
+pins, and marshalling his party, after a general swap of hats all
+around, in which trade big heads got smallest hats, and small heads got
+largest hats, by aid of the staircase and the servants, they all got to
+the street, and lumbering into a large hack, they started off on a
+midnight airing, noisy and rip-roarious as so many sailors on a land
+cruise. The last words uttered by Don Cæsar, there, as the coach drove
+off, were:
+
+"All right--hic--mi boy, if it ain't, _we'll make it all right in the
+morning!_"
+
+"Yes, that we will," says the landlord, "and if I don't stick you into a
+bill of costs '_in the morning_,' rot me. You'll have a nice time," he
+continued, "out carousing till daylight; lucky I've got his wallet in
+the fire-proof, the jackass would be robbed before he got back, _and I'd
+lose my bill!_"
+
+Don Cæsar did not return to make good his promise _in the morning_, and
+so the landlord took the liberty of investigating the wallet, deposited
+for safe keeping in the fire-proof of the office, by the Don; and lo!
+and behold! it contained old checks, unreceipted bills, and a few
+samples of Brandon bank notes, with this emphatic remark:--"All right,
+if it ain't all right, WE'LL MAKE IT ALL RIGHT IN THE MORNING!"
+
+
+
+
+Don't you believe in 'em?
+
+
+We are astounded at the incredulity of some people. Every now and then
+you run afoul of somebody who does not believe in spiritual knockers.
+Enter any of our drinking saloons, take a seat, or stand up, and look on
+for an hour or two, especially about the time "churchyards yawn!" and if
+you are any longer skeptical upon the _spirit_-ual manifestations as
+exhibited in the knee pans, shoulder joints, and thickness of the tongue
+of the _mediums_,--education would be thrown away on you.
+
+
+
+
+The Old Black Bull
+
+
+It's poor human natur', all out, to wrangle and quarrel now and then,
+from the kitchen to the parlor, in church and state. Even the fathers of
+the holy tabernacle are not proof against this little weakness; for
+people will have passions, people will belong to meetin', and people
+will let their passions _rise_, even under the pulpit. But we have no
+distinct recollection of ever having known a misdirected, but properly
+interpreted _letter_, to settle a chuckly "plug muss," so efficiently
+and happily as the case we have in point.
+
+Old John Bulkley (grandson of the once famous President _Chauncey_) was
+a minister of the gospel, and one of the best _edicated_ men of his day
+in the wooden nutmeg State, when the immortal (or ought to be) Jonathan
+Trumbull was "around," and in his youth. Mr. Bulkley was the first
+_settled_ minister in the town of his adoption, Colchester, Connecticut.
+It was with him, as afterwards with good old brother Jonathan (Governor
+Trumbull, the bosom friend of General Washington), good to confer on
+almost any matter, scientific, political, or religious--any subject, in
+short, wherein common sense and general good to all concerned was the
+issue. As a philosophical reasoner, casuist, and _good_ counselor, he
+was "looked up to," and abided by.
+
+It so fell out that a congregation in Mr. Bulkley's vicinity got to
+loggerheads, and were upon the apex of raising "the evil one" instead of
+a spire to their church, as they proposed and _split_ upon. The very
+nearest they could come to a mutual cessation of the hostilities, was to
+appoint a _committee_ of three, to wait on Mr. Bulkley, state their
+_case_, and get him to adjudicate. They waited on the old gentleman, and
+he listened with grave attention to their conflicting grievances.
+
+"It appears to me," said the old gentleman, "that this is a very simple
+case--a very trifling thing to cause you so much vexation."
+
+"So I say," says one of the _committee_.
+
+"I don't call it a trifling case, Mr. Bulkley," said another.
+
+"No case at all," responded the third.
+
+"It ain't, eh?" fiercely answered the first speaker.
+
+"No, it ain't, sir!" quite as savagely replied the third.
+
+"It's anything but a trifling case, anyhow," echoed number two, "to
+expect to raise the minister's salary and that new steeple, too, out of
+our small congregation."
+
+"There is no danger of raising much out of _you_, anyhow, Mr. Johnson,"
+spitefully returned number one.
+
+"Gentlemen, if you please--" beseechingly interposed the sage.
+
+"I haven't come here, Mr. Bulkley, to quarrel," said one.
+
+"Who started this?" sarcastically answered Mr. Johnson.
+
+"Not me, anyway," number three replies.
+
+"You don't say I did, do you?" says number one.
+
+"Gentlemen!--gentlemen!--"
+
+"Mr. Bulkley, you see how it is; there's Johnson--"
+
+"Yes, Mr. Bulkley," says Johnson, "and there's old Winkles, too, and
+here's Deacon Potter, also."
+
+"I _am_ here," stiffly replied the deacon, "and I am sorry the Reverend
+Mr. Bulkley finds me in such company, sir!"
+
+"Now, gentlemen, _brothers_, if you please," said Mr. Bulkley, "this is
+ridiculous,--"
+
+"So I say," murmured Mr. Winkles.
+
+"As far as _you_ are concerned, it is ridiculous," said the deacon.
+
+This brought Mr. Winkles _up_, standing.
+
+"Sir!" he shouted, "sir!"
+
+"But my dear _sirs_--" beseechingly said the philosopher.
+
+"Sir!" continued Winkles, "sir! I am too old a man--too good a
+Christian, Mr. Bulkley, to allow a man, a mean, despicable _toad_, like
+Deacon Potter--"
+
+"Do you call me--_me_ a despicable _toad_?" menacingly cried the deacon.
+
+"Brethren," said Mr. Bulkley, "if I am to counsel you in your
+difference, I must have no more of this unchristian-like bickering."
+
+"I do not wish to bicker, sir," said Johnson.
+
+"Nor I don't want to, sir," said the deacon, "but when a man calls me a
+toad, a mean, despicable _toad_--"
+
+"Well, well, never mind," said Mr. Bulkley; "you are all too excited
+now; go home again, and wait patiently; on Saturday evening next, I will
+have prepared and sent to you a written opinion of your case, with a
+full and free avowal of most wholesome advice for preserving your church
+from desolation and yourselves from despair." And the committee left, to
+await his issue.
+
+Now it chanced that Mr. Bulkley had a small farm, some distance from the
+town of Colchester, and found it necessary, the same day he wrote his
+opinion and advice to the brethren of the disaffected church, to drop a
+line to his farmer regarding the fixtures of said estate. Having written
+a long, and of course, elaborate "essay" to his brethren, he wound up
+the day's literary exertions with a despatch to the farmer, and after a
+reverie to himself, he directs the two documents, and next morning
+despatches them to their several destinations.
+
+On Saturday evening a full and anxious synod of the belligerent
+churchmen took place in their tabernacle, and punctually, as promised,
+came the despatch from the Plato of the time and place,--Rev. John
+Bulkley. All was quiet and respectful attention. The moderator took up
+the document, broke the seal, opened and--a pause ensued, while dubious
+amazement seemed to spread over the features of the worthy president of
+the meeting.
+
+"Well, brother Temple, how is it--what does Mr. Bulkley say?" and
+another pause followed.
+
+"Will the moderator please proceed?" said another voice.
+
+The moderator placed the paper upon the table, took off his spectacles,
+wiped the glasses, then his lips--replaced his specs upon his nose, and
+with a very broad _grin_, said:
+
+"Brethren, this appears to me to be a very singular letter, to say the
+least of it!"
+
+"Well, read it--read it," responded the wondering hearers.
+
+"I will," and the moderator began:
+
+"You will see to the repair of the fences, that they be built high and
+strong, and you will take special care _of the old Black Bull_."
+
+There was a general pause; a silent mystery overspread the community;
+the moderator dropped the paper to a "rest," and gazing over the top of
+his glasses for several minutes, nobody saying a word.
+
+"Repair the fences!" muttered the moderator at length.
+
+"Build them strong and high!" echoed Deacon Potter.
+
+"Take special care _of the old Black Bull!_" growled half the meeting.
+
+Then another pause ensued, and each man eyed his neighbor in mute
+mystery.
+
+A tall and venerable man now arose from his seat; clearing his voice
+with a hem, he spoke:
+
+"Brethren, you seem lost in the brief and eloquent words of our learned
+adviser. To me nothing could be more appropriate to our case. It is just
+such a profound and applicable reply to us as we should have hoped and
+looked for, from the learned and good man, John Bulkley. The direction
+to repair the fences, is to take heed in the admission and government of
+our members; we must guard the church by our Master's laws, and keep out
+stray and vicious cattle from the fold! And, above all things, set a
+trustworthy and vigilant watch over that old black bull, who is the
+devil, and who has already broken into our enclosures and sought to
+desolate and lay waste the fair grounds of our church!"
+
+The effect of this interpretation was electrical. All saw and _took_ the
+force of Mr. Bulkley's cogent advice, and unanimously resolved to be
+governed by it; hence the old black bull was put _hors du combat_, and
+the church preserved its union!
+
+
+
+
+Dobbs makes "a Pint."
+
+
+Dobbs walked into a _Dry Goodery_, on Court street, and began to look
+around. A double _jinted_ clerk immediately appeared to Dobbs.
+
+"What can I _do_ for you, sir?" says he.
+
+"A good deal," says Dobbs, "but I bet you won't."
+
+"I'll bet I will," says the knight of the yard-stick, "if I _can_."
+
+"What'll you bet of that?" says the imperturbable Dobbs.
+
+"I'll bet a fourpence!" says the clerk, with a cute _nod_.
+
+"I'll go it," says Dobbs. "Now, trust me for a couple of dollars' wuth
+of yur stuffs!"
+
+"_Lost_, by Ned!" says yard-stick. "Well, there's the fourpence."
+
+"Thank you; call again when I want to _trade!_" says Dobbs.
+
+"Do, if you please; wouldn't like to lose your custom," says the clerk,
+"no how."
+
+Polite young man that--as soon as his chin vegetates, provided his
+dickey don't cut his throat, he'll be arter the gals, Dobbs thinks!
+
+
+
+
+Used Up.
+
+
+I am tempted to believe, that few--very few men can start in the
+world--say at twenty, with a replete invoice of honesty, free and
+easy--kind, generous--good-natured disposition, and keep it up, until
+they greet their fortieth year. There are, doubtless, plenty of men--I
+hope there are, who _would_ be entirely and perfectly generous-hearted,
+if they _could_, with any degree of consistency; and I know there are
+multitudes who wouldn't exhibit an honorable or manly trait, of any
+human description, if they could. That class thrive best, it appears to
+me--if the accumulation of dollars and dimes be Webster, Walker, or
+Scriptural interpretation of that sense--in this sublunary world.
+Meanness and dishonesty win what good nature and honesty lose, hence the
+more thrift to the former, and the less gain, pecuniarily considered, to
+the latter. The subject is very prolific, and as my present purpose is
+as much to point a humorous _sketch_ as to adorn a _moral_, I needs must
+cut speculative philosophistics for facts, in the case of my friend John
+Jenks, an emphatic--"used up" good fellow.
+
+Jenks started in this world with a first-rate opinion of himself and the
+rest of mankind. No man ever started with a larger capital of good
+nature, human benevolence, and common honesty, than honest John. Few men
+ever started with better general prospects, for "a good time," and
+plenty of it, than Jenks. He _graduated_ with honor to himself and the
+Institute of his native State, and with but little knowledge beyond the
+college library and the social circles of his immediate friends. At
+twenty-three, John Jenks went into business on his own hook.
+
+Of course John soon formed various and many business acquaintances; he
+learned that men were brothers--should love, honor, and respect one
+another, from precepts set him at his father's fireside. He formed the
+opinion, that this brotherhood was not to be alienated in matters of
+business, for he never refused to act kindly to all; he freely loaned
+his _autograph_ and purse to his business acquaintances; but, being
+backed up by a snug business capital, he seldom felt the necessity of
+claiming like accommodation, or he would have gotten his eye teeth cut
+cheaper and sooner.
+
+"Jenks," said a business man, stopping in at Jenks' counting room one
+September morning, "Perkins & Ball, I see, have _stopped_--gone to
+smash!"
+
+"Have they?" quickly responded Jenks.
+
+"They have, and a good many fingers will be burnt by them," replied the
+informant. "By the way, Barclay says you have some of their _paper_ on
+hand; is it true?" continued the man.
+
+"I have some, not much," answered Jenks--"not enough at all events to
+create any alarm as to their willingness or ability to take it up."
+
+But in looking over his "accounts," Jenks found a considerably larger
+amount of Perkins & Ball's _paper_ on hand, than an experienced business
+man might have contemplated with entire Christian resignation. The
+gazette, in the course of a few days, gave publicity to the _smash_ of
+the house of Perkins, Ball & Co. There was a buzz "on 'change;" those
+losers by the _smash_ were bitter in their denunciatory remarks, while
+those gaining by the transaction snickered in their sleeves and kept
+mum. Jenks heard all, and said nothing. He reasoned, that if the firm
+were _smashed_ by imprudences, or through dishonest motives, they were
+getting "an elegant sufficiency" of public and private vituperation,
+without his aid. Though far from his thoughts of entering into such
+"lists," and inclined to hold on and see how things come out--Jenks,
+for the credit of common humanity, seldom recapitulated the amount, by
+discounting, &c.--he was likely to be _in_ for, if P. & B. were really
+"done gone." This resolve, like some _rules_, worked both ways.
+
+As "honest John" was drawing on his gloves to leave his commercial
+institution, after the above occurrences had had some ten days' _grace_;
+one evening, the senior partner of the house of Perkins & Ball came in.
+Greetings were cordial, and in the private office of Jenks, an hour's
+discourse took place between the merchants; which, in brief
+transcription, may be summed up in the fact, that Jenks received a
+two-third indemnification on all _his_ liabilities _for_ the _smashed_
+house of P. & B., which the senior partner assured him, arose from the
+fact of his, Jenks', gentlemanly forbearance in not joining the clamor
+against them, in the adverse hour, nor pushing his claims, when he had
+reason to believe that they were down; quite down at the heel. Jenks
+"hoped" he should never be found on the wrong or even doubtful side of
+humanity, gentlemanly courtesy, or Christian kindness; they shook hands
+and parted; the senior partner of the exploded firm requesting, and
+Jenks agreeing, to say every thing he could towards sustaining the honor
+of the house of P. & B., and recreating its now almost extinguished
+credit. Those who fought the bankrupt merchants most got the least, and
+because Jenks preserved an undisturbed serenity, when it was known that
+he was as deeply a loser, they supposed, as any one, they were staggered
+at his philosophy, or amused at his extreme good nature. This latter
+result seemed the most popular and accepted notion of Jenks' character,
+and proved the ground-work of his pecuniary destruction.
+
+The firm of Perkins & Ball crept up again; Jenks had, on all occasions,
+spoken in the most favorable terms of the firm; he not only freely
+endorsed again for them, but stood their _referee_ generally. In the
+meantime, Jenks' celebrity for good nature and open-heartedness had
+drawn around him a host of patrons and admirers. Jenks' name became a
+circulating medium for half his business acquaintances. If Brown was
+short in his cash account, five hundred or a thousand dollars----
+
+"Just run over to Jenks'," he'd say to his clerk; "ask him to favor me
+with a check until the middle of the week." It was done.
+
+"Terms--thirty days with good endorsed paper," was sufficient for the
+adventurous Smith to _buy_ and depend on Jenks' _autograph_ to _secure_
+the goods. When in funds, Bingle went where he chose; when a little
+_short_, Jenks had his patronage. Jenks kept but few memorandums of acts
+of kindness he daily committed; hence when the evil effects of them
+began to revolve upon him--if not mortified or ashamed of his
+"bargains," he at least was astounded at the results. Brown, whose due
+bills or memorandums Jenks held, to the amount of seven thousand
+dollars, accommodation _loans_, took an apoplectic, one warm summer's
+day, after taking a luxurious dinner. Jenks had hardly learned that
+Brown's affairs were pronounced in a state of deferred bankruptcy, when
+the first rumor reached him that Smith had _bolted_, after a heavy
+transaction in "woolens"--Jenks his principal endorser--Smith not
+leaving assets or assigns to the amount of one red farthing.
+
+"By Jove!" poor Jenks muttered, as he tremulously seated himself in his
+back counting room--"that's shabby in Smith--very shabby."
+
+The next morning's Gazette informed the community that Bingle had
+failed--liabilities over $200,000--prospects barely giving hopes of ten
+per cent, all around; and even this hope, upon Jenks' investigation,
+proved a forlorn one; by a _modus operandi_ peculiar to the heartless,
+self-devoted, _they_ got all, Jenks and the _few_ of his ilk, got
+nothing!
+
+For the first time in his life, Jenks became pecuniarily moody. For the
+first time, in the course of his mercantile career, of some six years,
+the force of reflection convinced him, that he had not acted his part
+judiciously, however "well done" it might be, in point of honor and
+manliness.
+
+The next day Jenks devoted to a scrutiny of his accounts in general with
+the business world. He found things a great deal "mixed up;" his
+balance-sheet exhibited large surplusages accumulated on the score of
+his leniency and good nature; by the credit of those with whom he held
+business relations. A council of war, or expediency, rather,--_solus_,
+convinced Jenks, he had either mistaken his business qualifications, or
+formed a very vague idea of the soul--manners and customs of the
+business world; and he broke up his council, a sadder if not a wiser
+man.
+
+"By Jove, this is discouraging; I'll have to do a very disagreeable
+thing, very disagreeable thing: _make an assignment!_"
+
+"Who'd thought John Jenks would ever come to that?" that individual
+muttered to himself, as he proceeded to his hotel. And ere he reached
+his plate, at the tea-table, a servant whispered that a gentleman with a
+message was out in the "office" of the hotel, anxious to see Mr. Jenks.
+
+"Mr. Jenks--John Jenks, I believe, sir?" began the person, as poor
+Jenks, now on the _tapis_ for more ill news, approached the person in
+waiting.
+
+"Precisely, that's my name, sir," Jenks responded.
+
+"Then," continued the stranger, "I've disagreeable business with you,
+Mr. Jenks; _I hold your arrest!_"
+
+"Good God!" exclaimed Jenks; "my arrest? What for?"
+
+"There's the writ, sir; you can read it."
+
+"A _writ_? Why, God bless you, man, I don't _owe_ a dollar in the world,
+but what I can liquidate in ten minutes!"
+
+"Oh, it's not debt, sir; you may see by the writ it's _felony!_"
+
+If the man had drawn and cocked a revolver at Jenks, the effect upon his
+nervous system could not have been more startling or powerful. But he
+recovered his self-possession, and learned with dismay, that he was
+arrested--yes, _arrested_ as an accessory to a grand scheme of fraud and
+general villany, on the part of Smith, a conclusion arrived at, by those
+most interested, upon discovery that Jenks had pronounced Smith "good,"
+and endorsed for him in sums total, enormously, far beyond Jenks' actual
+ability to make good!
+
+It was in vain Jenks declared, and no man before ever dreamed of
+doubting his word, his entire ability to meet all liabilities of his own
+and others, for whom he kindly become responsible; for when the _bulk_
+of Smith's _paper_ with Jenks' endorsement was thrust at him, he gave
+in; saw clearly that he was the victim of a heartless _forger_.
+
+But his calmness, in the midst of his affliction, triumphed, and he
+rested comparatively easy in jail that night, awaiting the bright future
+of to-morrow, when his established character, and "troops of friends"
+should set all right. But, poor Jenks, he reckoned indeed without his
+host; to-morrow came, but not "a friend in need;" they saw, in their
+far-reaching wisdom, a sinking ship, and like sagacious rats, they
+deserted it!
+
+"I always thought Jenks a very good-natured, or a very _deep_ man," said
+one.
+
+"I knew he was too generous to last long!" said another.
+
+"I told him he was _green_ to endorse as freely as he did," echoed a
+third.
+
+"Good fellow," chimed a fourth--"but devilish imprudent."
+
+"He knows what he's at!" cunningly retorted a fifth, and so the good
+but misguided Jenks was disposed of by his "troops of friends!"
+
+But Perkins & Ball--they had got up again, were flourishing; they, Jenks
+felt satisfied, would not show the "white feather," and the thought came
+to him, in his prison, as _merrily_ as the reverse of that fond hope
+made him _sad_ and sorrowful, when at the close of day, his attorney
+informed him, that Perkins & Ball regretted his perplexing situation,
+but proffered him no aid or comfort. They said, sad experience had shown
+them, that there were no "bowels of compassion" in the world for the
+fallen; men must trust to fortune, God, and their own exertions, to
+defeat ill luck and rise from difficulties; _they_ had done so; Mr.
+Jenks must not despair, but surmount his misfortunes with a stout heart
+and a clear conscience, and profit, as they had, _by reverses!_
+
+"Profit!" said Jenks, in a bitter tone, "_profit_ by reverses as _they_
+have!"
+
+"Why, Powers," he continued to his counsel, "do you know that if I had
+been a tithe part as base and conscienceless as they are _now_, Perkins
+& Ball would be beggars, if not inmates of this prison! Yes, sir, my
+casting vote, of all the rest, would have done it. But no matter; I had
+hoped to find, in a community where I had been useful, generous and
+just, friends enough for all practical purposes, without carrying my
+business difficulties to the fireside of my parents and other relations.
+But that I must do now; if, _if they fail me, then---- I cave!_"
+
+Two days after that conference of the lawyer and the merchant, "honest
+John" learned, with sorrow, that his father was dead; estate involved,
+and his friends at home in no favorable mood in reference to what they
+heard of John Jenks and his "bad management" in the city.
+
+John Jenks--heard no more--he "caved!" as he agreed to.
+
+We pass over Jenks' _Smithsonian_ difficulty, which a prudent lawyer and
+discerning jury brought out all right.
+
+We come to 1850--some fifteen or eighteen years after John Jenks
+"caved." The John Jenks of 183- had been ruined by his good nature, set
+adrift moneyless, in a manner, with even a spotted reputation to begin
+with; he "profited by his reverses," he was now a man of family--fifty,
+fat, and wealthy, and altogether the meanest and most selfish man you
+ever saw!
+
+Jenks freely admits his originality is entirely--"_used up!_" The reader
+may affix the _moral_ of my sketch--at leisure.
+
+
+
+
+The Greatest Moral Engine.
+
+
+Say what you will, it's no use talking, poverty is more potent and
+powerful, as a moral engine, than all the "sermons and soda water," law,
+logic, and prison discipline, ever started. All a man wants, while he
+_has_ a chance to be honest, and to get along smoothly, is a good
+situation and two dollars a day; give him five dollars a day, and he
+gets lazy and careless; while at ten, or a hundred a day, he is sure to
+cultivate beastly feeling, eat and sleep to stupefaction, become a
+_roue_, or a rotten politician. A poor man, in misery, applies to God
+for consolation, while a rich man applies to his banker, and tries on a
+"bender," or goes on a tour to Europe, and studies foreign folly and
+French license. Poverty is great; in a Christian community, or a
+thriving village, it is equal to "martial law," in suppressing moral
+rebellion and keeping down the "dander!" And how faithful, too, is
+poverty, says Dr. Litterage, for it sticks to a man after all his
+friends and the rest of mankind have deserted him!
+
+
+
+
+The Story of Capt. Paul.
+
+
+I love to speak, I love to write of the mighty West. I have passed ten
+happy and partly pleasant years travelling over the immense tracts of
+land of the West and South. I have, during that time, garnered up
+endless themes for my pen. It was my custom, during my travels, to keep
+a "log," as the mariners have it, and at the close of the day I always
+noted the occurrences that transpired with me or others, when of
+interest, and opportunities were favorable to do so.
+
+Several years ago I was stopping at Vevay, Indiana, a small village on
+the Ohio river, waiting for a steamboat to touch there and take me up to
+Louisville, Ky. It was in the fall of the year, water was very low, and
+but few boats running. Shortly after breakfast, I took my rifle and
+ammunition and started down along the river to amuse myself, and kill
+time by hunting. Game was scarce, and after strolling along until noon,
+I got tired and came out to the river to see if any boats were in sight,
+as well as take shelter from a heavy shower of rain that had come on. I
+sought an immense old tree, whose broad crown and thick foliage made my
+shelter as dry as though under a roof, and here I sat down, bending my
+eyes along the placid, quiet and noble river, until I was quite lost in
+silent reverie. The rain poured down, and presently I heard a footstep
+approaching from the woods behind, and at the same moment a rough, curly
+dog came smelling along towards me. The dog came up to within a few rods
+of me and stopped, took a grin at me and then disappeared again. But
+my further anxiety was soon relieved by the appearance of a tall,
+gaunt man, dressed in the usual costume of a western woodsman, jean
+trowsers, hunting shirt, old slouched felt hat, rifle, powder horn,
+bullet pouch, and sheath knife. He was an old man, face sallow and
+wrinkled, and hair quite a steelish hue.
+
+"Mornin', stranger," said he; "rayther a wet day for game?"
+
+I replied in the affirmative, and welcomed him to my shelter. Having
+taken a seat near me, on the fallen trunk of a small tree, the old man,
+half to himself and partly to me, sighed--
+
+"Ah! yes, yes, _our_ day is fast gwoin over; an entire new set of folks
+will soon people this country, and the old settler will be all gone, and
+no more thought of."
+
+"I imagine," said I, interrupting his soliloquy, "that you are an old
+settler, and have noted vast, wonderful changes here in the Ohio
+Valley?"
+
+"Wonderful; yes, yes, stranger, thar you're right; I have seen wonderful
+changes since I first squatted 'yer, thirty-five years ago. Every thing
+changes about one so, that I skearse know the old river any more. 'Yer
+they've brought their steamboats puffin', and blowin', and skeerin' off
+the game, fish, and alligators. 'Yer they've built thar towns and thar
+store houses, and thar nice farm houses, and keep up sich a clatter and
+noise among 'em all, that one fond of our old quiet times in the woods,
+goes nigh bein' distracted with these new matters and folks."
+
+"Well," said I, "neighbor, you old woodsmen will have to do as the
+Indians have done, and as Daniel Boone did, when the advancing axe of
+civilization, and the mighty steam and steel arms of enterprise and
+improvement make the varmints leave their lairs, and the air heavy and
+clamorous with the gigantic efforts of industry, genius, and wealth, you
+must _fall back_. Our territories are boundless, and there are yet
+dense forests, woods, and wilds, where the Indian, lone hunter, and
+solitary beast, shall rove amid the wild grandeur of God's infinite
+space for a century yet to come."
+
+"Ah, yes, yes, young man; I should have long since up stakes and rolled
+before this sweeping tide of new settlers, only I can't bar to leave
+this tract 'yer; no, stranger, I can't bar to do it."
+
+"Doubtless," I replied; "one feels a strong love for old homes, a
+lingering desire to lay one's bones to their final resting place, near a
+spot and objects that life and familiarity made dear."
+
+"Yes, yes, stranger, that's it, that's it. But look down thar--thar's
+what makes this spot dear to me--thar, do you see yon little
+hillock--yon little mound? Thar's what keeps old Tom Ward 'yer for
+life."
+
+The old man seemed deeply affected, and sighed heavily, as he wiped the
+moisture from his eyes with the back of his hand. I gazed down towards
+the spot he had called my attention to, and there I beheld, indeed,
+something resembling a solitary and lonely grave; wild flowers bloomed
+around it, and a flat stone stood at the head, and a small stake at the
+foot.
+
+"'Tisn't often one comes this way to ask the question, and the Lord
+knows, stranger, I'm always willing to tell the sad story of that lonely
+grave. Well, well, it's no use to grieve always, the red whelps have
+paid well for thar doins, and now, but few of 'em are spared to
+repent--the Lord forgive 'em all," to which I involuntarily
+echoed--"Amen!"
+
+"Well, stranger, you see, about five-and-thirty years ago, I left
+Western Virginia to come down 'yer in the Ohio valley. I well remember
+the first glimpse I got of this stream; it war a big stream to me, and I
+gloried in the sight of it. Thar war but few settlements then upon its
+banks, and thar war none of your roarin', splashin' steamboats about;
+but I like the steamboats--thar grand creatures, and go it like
+high-mettled horses. Well, I war a young man then; me and my brother and
+our old mother joined in with a neighbor, built a family boat, put in
+our goods, and started off down the stream, towards the lower part thar
+of Kentucky.
+
+"Captain Paul, our neighbor, war an old woodsman, though he war a young
+man; he had a wife and several fine, growin' children along with us, and
+our journey for many days war prosperous and pleasant. Capt. Paul's
+wife's sister war along with us, a fine young creature she war too. My
+brother and her I always carc'lated would make a match of it when we
+reached our journey's end; but poor Ben, God bless the boy, he little
+dreampt he'd be cut off so soon in the prime of life, and leave his
+bones 'yer to rot. I war young too, then, and little thought I should
+ever come to be this old, withered-up creature you see me now,
+stranger."
+
+"Why, you appear to be a hearty, hale man yet," said I, encouraging the
+old man to proceed in his narrative, "and no doubt shoot as well and see
+as keenly and far as ever?"
+
+"Ay, ay, I can drive a centre purty well yet; but my hand begins to
+tremble sometimes, and I'm failing--yes, yes, I know I'm failing. But,
+to go on with my story: I acted as sort of pilot. Then the country were
+yet pretty full of Ingins, and mighty few cabins war made along the
+river in them times. The whites and red-skins war eternally fighting. I
+won't say which war to blame; the whites killed the creatures off fast
+enough, and the Ingins took plenty of scalps and war cruel to the white
+man whenever they fastened on him.
+
+"Our old ark or boat war well loaded down; a few loose boards served as
+a shelter from the sun and rain, and a few planks spiked to the sides
+'bove water, kept the swells from rollin' in on us. Two black boys
+helped the captain and I to manage the boat, and an old black woman
+waited on the wimin folks and did the cooking.
+
+"You see yon pint thar, up the river?" continued the narrator, pointing
+his long, bony finger towards a great bend, and a point on the Kentucky
+side of the stream.
+
+"Yes," I replied, "I see it distinctly."
+
+"Well, it war thar, or jest above thar, about sunset of a pleasant day,
+that we came drifting along with our flat-boat, or _broad horn_, as they
+were called in them days, when Captain Paul said he thought it would be
+a snug place just behind the pint, to tie up to them same big trees yet
+standin' thar as they did then. Ben, poor Ben and I concluded too, it
+would be a clever place to camp for the night; so we headed the boat
+in--for, you see, we always kept in the middle of the stream, as near as
+possible, to keep clear of the red skins who committed a mighty heap of
+depredations upon the movers and river traders, by decoyin' the boat on
+shore, or layin' in ambush and firin' their rifles at the incautious
+folks in the boats that got too nigh 'em. Guina and Joe, the two black
+boys, rowed enough to get around the pint. We had no fear of the Ingins,
+as we expected we war beyond thar haunts just thar; mother war gettin'
+out the supper things, and Captain Paul's wife and sister were nestling
+away the children. Just then, as we got cleverly under the lee of the
+shore thar, I heard a crack like a dry stick snappin' under foot--
+
+"'Thar's a deer or bar,' said the captain.
+
+"'Hold on your oars,' says I--'boys, I don't like that--it 'tain't a
+deer's tread, nor a bar's nether,' says I.
+
+"By this time we had got within thirty yards of the bank--another slight
+noise--the bushes moved, and I sung out--'Ingins, by the Lord! back the
+boat, back, boys, back!'
+
+"Poor Ben snatched up his rifle, so did the captain; but before we could
+get way on the boat, a band of the bloody devils rushed out and gave us
+a volley of shouts and shower of balls, that made these hills and river
+banks echo again. Poor Ben fell mortally wounded and bleeding, into the
+bottom of the boat; two of the captain's children were killed, his wife
+wounded, and a bullet dashed the cap off my head.
+
+"I shouted to the boys to pull, and soon got out of reach of the Ingins.
+They had no canoes, bein' only a scoutin' war party; they could not
+reach us. The wounded horses and cows kicked and plunged among the
+goods, the wimin and children screamed.
+
+"Oh! stranger, it war a frightful hour; one I shall remember to my dyin'
+day, as it war only yesterday I saw and heard it. It war now dark, the
+boat half filled with water, my brother dyin', Captain Paul nerveless
+hangin' over his wife and children, cryin' like a whipped child. I still
+clung on to my oar, and made the poor blacks pull for this side of the
+river, as fast and well as thar bewildered and frightened senses allowed
+'em.
+
+"My poor mother leaned over poor Ben. She held his head in her lap; she
+opened his bosom and the blood flowed out. He still breathed faintly--
+
+"'Benjamin, my son,' said she, 'do you know me?'
+
+"'Mother,' he breathed lowly. Mother tried to have him drink a cup of
+water from the river, but he war past nourishment--and she asked him if
+he knew he war dyin'?
+
+"He gasped, 'Yes, mother, and may the Lord our God in heaven be merciful
+to me, thus cut from you and life, mother--'
+
+"'God's will be done,' cried my mother, as the pale face of her darlin'
+boy fell upon her hand--he was gone.
+
+"We reached shore, but dar not kindle a light, for fear the Ingins might
+be prowlin' about on this side; yes, under this very tree, did we 'camp
+that gloomy night. The whole of us, livin', dead, and wounded, lay 'yer,
+fearin' even to weep aloud. About midnight, I took the two blacks, and
+we dug yon grave and laid poor Ben in it, and the two children by his
+side. It war an awful thing--awful to us all; and our sighs and sobs,
+mingled with the prayers of the old mother, went to God's footstool, I'm
+sure. We made such restin' places as circumstances permitted. I lay
+down, but the cries of poor Captain Paul's wife and sister, cries of the
+two survivin' children, and moans of us all, made sleep a difficult
+affair. By peep of day I went down to the grave, and thar sat the old
+mother. She had sat thar the live-long night; the sudden shock had been
+too much for her.
+
+"Two days afterwards the grave was opened and enlarged, and received two
+more bodies, the wife of Captain Paul, and our kind, good old mother.
+Thirty-five years have now passed. Could I leave this place? No; not a
+day at a time have I missed seeing the grave, when within miles of it.
+No, here must I rest too."
+
+The old man seemed deeply affected. I could not refrain from taking up
+the thread of his narrative to inquire what had become of Captain Paul
+and his wife's sister.
+
+"Well, poor thing, you see it war natural enough for her to love her
+sister's children, and the captain, he couldn't help lovin' her too, for
+that. The captain settled down here, about two miles back, and in a few
+years the sister-in-law and he war man and wife, and a kind, good old
+wife she is too. I've 'camped with 'em ever since, and with 'em I'll
+die, and be put thar--thar, to rest in that little mound with the rest.
+But I must bide my time, stranger--we must all bide our time. Now,
+stranger, I've told you my sad story, I must ax a favor. Seeing as you
+are a town-bred person, perhaps a preacher, I want you to kneel down by
+that grave and make a prayer. I feel that it is a good thing to pray,
+though we woods people know but little about it."
+
+I told him I was not a minister in the common acceptation of the term,
+but considering we all are God's ministers that study God's will and our
+own duty to man, I could pray, did pray, and left the poor woodsman with
+an exalted feeling, I hope, of divine and infinite grace to all who seek
+it.
+
+A boat touched Vevay that evening, and I left, deeply impressed with
+this little story.
+
+
+
+
+Hereditary Complaints.
+
+
+Meanness is as natural to some people, as gutta percha beefsteaks in a
+cheap boarding-house. Schoodlefaker says he saw a striking instance in
+Quincy market last Saturday. An Irish woman came up to a turkey
+merchant, and says she--
+
+"What wud yees be after axin' for nor a chicken like that?"
+
+"That's a turkey, not a chicken," says the merchant.
+
+"Turkey? Be dad an' it's a mighty small turkey--it's stale enough, too,
+I'd be sworn; poor it is, too! What'd yees ax for 'un?"
+
+"Well, seein' it's pooty nigh night, and the last I've got, I'll let you
+have it for _two and six_."
+
+"Two and six? Hoot! I'd give yees half a dollar fur it, and be dad not
+another cint."
+
+"Well," says the _satisfied_ poultry merchant, "take it along; I won't
+dicker for a cent or two."
+
+Mrs. Doolygan paid over the half, boned the turkey, and went on her way
+quite elated with the brilliancy of her talents in financiering! There's
+one merit in meanness, if it disgusts the looker-on, it never fails to
+carry a pleasing sensation to the bosom of the gamester.
+
+
+
+
+Nights with the Caucusers.
+
+
+Office-Seeking has become a legitimatized branch of our every-day
+business, as much so as in former times "reduced gentlemen" took to
+keeping school or posting books. In former times, men took to politics
+to give zest to a life already replete with pecuniary indulgences, as
+those in the "sere and yellow leaf" are wont to take to religion as a
+solacing comfort against things that are past, and pave the way to a
+very desirable futurity. But now, politicians are of no peculiar class
+or condition of citizens; the success of a champion depends not so much
+upon the matter, as upon the manner, not upon the capital he may have in
+real estate, bank funds or public stocks, but upon the fundamental
+principle of "confidence," gutta percha lungs and unmistakable amplitude
+of--brass and bravado! If any man doubts the fact, let him look around
+him, and calculate the matter. Why is it that _lawyers_ are so
+particularly felicitous in running for, securing, and usurping most of
+all the important or profitable offices under government? Lungs--gutta
+percha lungs and everlasting impudence, does it. A man might as well try
+to bail out the Mississippi with a tea-spoon, or shoot shad with a
+fence-rail, as to hope for a seat in Congress, merely upon the
+possession of patriotic principles, or double-concentrated and refined
+integrity. Why, if George Washington was a Virginia farmer to-day, his
+chance for the Presidency wouldn't be a circumstance to that of Rufus
+Choate's, while there is hardly a lawyer attached to the Philadelphia
+bar that would not beat the old gentleman out of his top boots in
+running for the Senate! But we'll _cut_ "wise saws" for a modern
+instance; let us attend a small "caucus" where incipient Demostheneses,
+Ciceros, and Mark Antonies most do congregate, and see things "workin'."
+It is night, a ward meeting of the unterrified, meat-axe,
+non-intervention--hats off--hit him again--butt-enders, have called a
+meeting to _caucus_ for the coming fall contest. "Owing to the
+inclemency of the weather," and other causes too tedious to mention, of
+some eight hundred of the _unterrified, non-intervention--Cuban
+annexation--Wilmot proviso, compromise, meat-axe, hats off--hit him
+again--butt-enders_--only eighty attend the call. Of these eighty
+faithful, some forty odd are on the wing for office; one at least wants
+to work his way up to the gubernatorial chair, five to the Senate, ten
+to the "Assembly," fifteen to the mayoralty, and the balance to the
+custom house.
+
+Now, before the "curtain rises," little knots of the anxious multitude
+are seen here and there about the corners of the adjacent neighborhood
+and in the recesses of the caucus chamber, their heads
+together--caucusing on a small scale.
+
+"Flambang, who'd you think of puttin' up to-night for the _Senate_, in
+our ward?" asks a cadaverous, but earnest _unterrified_, of a brother in
+the same cause.
+
+"Well, I swan, I don't know; what do you think of Jenkins?"
+
+"Jenkins?" leisurely responded the first speaker; "Jenkins is a pooty
+good sort of a man, but he ain't known; made himself rather unpop'ler by
+votin' agin that _grand junction railroad to the north pole_ bill, afore
+the Legislature, three years ago; besides he's served two years in the
+Legislature, and been in the custom house two years; talks of going to
+California or somewhere else, next spring--so I-a, I-a--don't think much
+of Jenkins, anyhow!"
+
+"Well, then," says Flambang, "there's Dr. Rhubarb; what do you think of
+him? He's a sound _unterrified_, good man."
+
+"A--ye-e-e-s, the doctor's pooty good sort of a man, but I don't think
+its good policy to run doctors for office. If they are defeated it sours
+their minds equal to cream of tartar; it spiles their practice, and
+'tween you and I, Flambang, if they takes a spite at a man that didn't
+vote for 'em, and he gets sick, they're called in; how easy it is _for
+'em to poison us!_"
+
+"Good gracious!--you don't say so?"
+
+"I _don't_ say, of course I don't say so of Dr. Rhubarb. I only supposed
+a case," replied the wily _caucuser_.
+
+"A case? Yes-s-s; a feller would be a case, under them circumstances.
+I'm down on doctors, then, Twist; but what do you say to Blowpipes? He's
+one of our best speakers--"
+
+"_Gas!_" pointedly responded Twist.
+
+"Gas? Well, you voted for him last year, when he run for Congress; you
+were the first man to nominate him, too!"
+
+"So I was, and I voted for him, drummed for him, fifed and blowed; that
+was no reason for my thinking him the best man we had for the office.
+He's a demagogue, an ambitious, sly, selfish feller, as we could skeer
+up; but, he was in our way, we couldn't get shut of him; I proposed the
+nomination, and tried to elect him, so that we should get him out of the
+way of our local affairs, and more deserving and less pretendin' men
+could get a chance, don't you see? Now, Flambang, you're the man I'm
+goin' in for to-night!"
+
+"Me! Mr. Twist? Why, bless your soul, I don't want office!"
+
+"Come, now, don't be modest. I'll lay the ground-work, you'll be
+nominated--I'll not be known in it--you'll get the nomination--called
+out for a speech--so be on the trigger--give 'em a rouser, and you're
+in!"
+
+Poor Flambang, a modest, retiring man, peaceable proprietor of a small
+shop, in which, by the force of prudence and economy, he has laid up
+something, has a voice among his fellow-citizens and some influence, but
+would as soon attempt to carry a blazing pine knot into a powder
+magazine, or "ship" for a missionary to the Tongo Islands, as to run for
+the Legislature _and make a speech in public!_ Twist knows it; he
+guesses shrewdly at the effect.
+
+"Why don't you run?" says Flambang, after many efforts to get his
+breath.
+
+"Me? Well, if you don't want to _run_."
+
+"_Run?_ I would as soon think of jumping over the moon, as running for
+office!" answers Flambang. "But I thank you, thank _you_ kindly, for
+your good intentions, for _your_ confidence(!), Twist, and whatever good
+I can do for you, I'll do, and--"
+
+Twist having secured the first step to his _plot_, enters the caucus
+chamber in deep and earnest consultation with Flambang, and while
+preparations are being made to "histe the rag," he is seen making
+converts to his sly purposes, upon the same principle by which he
+converted his modest friend, Flambang.
+
+"Who are you going in for to-night?" asks another "ambitious for
+distinction" _unterrified_ of "a brother."
+
+"Well, I don't know; it's hard to tell; good many wants to be nominated,
+and good many more than will be," was the cogent reply.
+
+"That's a fact!" was the equally clear response. "But 'tween you and I,
+Pepper--I'd like to get the nomination for the Senate myself!"
+
+"No-o-o?"
+
+"Yes, sir; why shouldn't I? Hain't I stood by the party?"
+
+"Well, and hain't I stood by it, hung by it, fastened to it?"
+
+"Pepper, you have; so have I; now, I'll tell you what I'll do. You hang
+by me, for the Senate, and I'll go in for you for the House."
+
+"Agreed; hang by 'em, give 'em a blast, first opening, and while you are
+fifing away for me, I'll go around for you, Captain Johns."
+
+"Flammer, you going to go in for Smithers, to-night?" asks another of
+"the party," of a confederate.
+
+"Smithers? I don't know about that; I don't think he's the right kind of
+a man for mayor, any how; do you?"
+
+"Well, you know he's an almighty peart chap in talkin', and I guess
+he'll be elected, if he's nominated and goes around speaking; but here
+he is; let's feel his pulse." After a confab of some minutes between
+Flammer, Smithers, and Skyblue, things seem to be fixed to mutual
+satisfaction, and something is "dropped" about "go in for me for the
+Mayoralty, I'll go in for you for the Senate," etc.
+
+"Don't let on, that I'm _anxious_, at all, you know," says Smithers, to
+which the two allies Skyblue and Flammer respond--"O, of course not!"
+
+Now the curtain rises, the meeting's organized, with as much formality,
+fuss and fungus as the opening of the House of Parliament; soon is heard
+the work of balloting for nominations, and soon it is known that _Twist_
+is _the_ man for the Senate--this calls _Twist_ out; he spreads--feels
+overpowered--this unexpected (!) event--attending as a spectator, not
+anticipating any thing for himself--proud of the unexpected honor--had
+long served as a _private_ in the ranks of the _unterrified_--die in the
+front of battle, if his friends thought proper, etc., etc. And Twist
+falls back, mid great applause of the multitude, to give way to Capt.
+Johns, who also felt overpowered by the unexpected rush of honor put
+upon him, in connecting his name with the senatorial ticket. He was
+proud of being thought capable of serving his country, etc., etc.; gave
+his friend Pepper "a first-rate notice." Pepper was nominated, made a
+speech, and so highly piled up the agony in favor of Smithers, that
+Smithers was nominated--made a speech in favor of Skyblue and Flammer,
+upon the force of which both were nominated--the wheel within a wheel
+worked elegant; and the organs next day were sublimely eloquent upon the
+result of the grand caucus--candidates--unanimity--etc., etc., of these
+subterranean politicians. So are our great men manufactured for the
+public.
+
+
+
+
+Affecting Cruelty.
+
+
+A hard-fisted "old hunker," who has made $30,000 in fifty-one years, by
+saving up rags, old iron, bones, soap-grease, snipping off the edges of
+halves, quarters, and nine-pences, raised the whole neighborhood t'other
+evening. He came across a full-faced Spanish ninepence, and in an
+attempt to extract the jaw-teeth of the head, the poor thing squealed
+so, that the bells rang, and the South End watchmen hollered fire for
+about an hour! This "old gentleman" has a way of _sweating_ the crosses
+from a smooth fourpence, and makes them look so bran new, that he passes
+them for ten cent pieces! One case of his benevolence is "worthy of all
+praise;" he recently _gave away_ to a poor Irishman's family, a bunch of
+cobwebs, and an old hat he had worn since the battle of Bunker Hill;
+upon these bounties the Irishman started into business; he boiled the
+hunker's hat, and it yielded a bar of soap and a dozen tallow candles!
+If old Smearcase continues to fool away his hard-earned wealth in that
+manner, his friends ought to buy an injunction on his _will!_
+
+
+
+
+The Wolf Slayer.
+
+
+In 1800 the most of the State of Ohio, and nearly all of Indiana, was a
+dense wilderness, where the gaunt wolf and naked savage were masters of
+the wild woods and fertile plains, which now, before the sturdy blows of
+the pioneer's axe, and the farmer's plough, has been with almost magical
+effect converted into rich farms and thriving, beautiful villages.
+
+In the early settlement of the west, the pioneers suffered not only from
+the ruthless savage, but fearfully from the _wolf_. Many are the tales
+of terror told of these ferocious enemies of the white man, and his
+civilization. Many was the hunter, Indian as well as the Angle-Saxon,
+whose bones, made marrowless by the prowling hordes of the dark forest,
+have been scattered and bleached upon the war-path or Indian trail of
+the back-woods. In 1812-13, my father was contractor for the
+north-western army, under command of Gen. Wm. Henry Harrison. He
+supplied the army with beef; he bought up cattle along the Sciota valley
+and Ohio river, and drove them out to the army, then located at
+Sandusky. Chillicothe, then, was a small settlement on the Sciota river,
+and protected by a block house or rude fort, in which the inhabitants
+could scramble if the Indians made their appearance. My father resided
+here, and having collected a large drove of cattle, he set out up the
+valley with a few mounted men as a kind of guard to protect the drove
+against the prowling minions of Tecumseh.
+
+The third day out, late in the afternoon, being very warm weather, there
+arose a most terrific thunder-storm; the huge trees, by the violence of
+the wind and sharp lightning, were uprooted and rent into thousands of
+particles, and the panic-stricken herd scattered in every direction. I
+have seen the havoc made in forests through which one of these tornadoes
+has taken its way, or I should be incredulous to suppose whole acres of
+trees, hundreds of years old, could be torn up, or snapped off like
+reeds upon the river side.
+
+The fury of the whirlwind seemed to increase as the night grew darker,
+until cattle, men and horses, were killed, crippled and dispersed. My
+father crawled under the lee of a large sycamore that had fell, and
+here, partly protected from the rain and falling timber, he lay down. I
+have camped out some, and can readily anticipate the comfort of the old
+gentleman's situation, and not at all disposed was he to go to sleep
+mounted upon such guard.
+
+At length the work of destruction and ruin being done, the storm abated,
+the rain ceased to _pour_ and the winds to wag their noisy tongues so
+furiously. A wolf _howl_, and of all fearful howls, or yelps uttered by
+beasts of prey, none can, I think, be more alarming and terrific to the
+ear than the _wolf_ howl as he scents carnage. A wolf howl broke
+fearfully upon the drover's ear as he lay crouched beneath the sycamore.
+It was a familiar sound, and therefore, and _then_ the more dreadful.
+The drover carried a good Yeager rifle, knife, and pistols, but a man
+laden with arms in the midst of a troop of famished wolves, was as
+helpless as the tempest-tossed mariner in the midst of the ocean's
+storm. The _howl_ had scarcely echoed over the dark wood, before it was
+answered by dozens on every side! And as the drover's keen eye pierced
+the gloom around him, the dancing, fiery glare of the wolf's eyes met
+his wistful gaze.
+
+The forest now resounded with the maddened banqueting beast, and as the
+glaring eyes came nearer and nearer, the drover hugged his Yeager
+tightly, and prepared to defend life while yet it lasted. Suddenly the
+sharp crack of a rifle was heard, and then a loud scream or cry of
+terror burst upon the air, a rushing sound, a man pursued by a troop of
+wolves fled by the drover and his cover; scream after scream rent the
+air, and the drover knew that a companion had fell a victim to the wolf
+in his attempt at self-defence. The night was a long one, and thus,
+among the savage beasts, a fearful one. The report of another rifle
+again broke upon the ear, and again, and again did the hunting iron
+speak, and the wolf howl salute it. A pair of eyes glared hurriedly upon
+the drover, and he could not resist the desire to use his Yeager, and
+the wolf taking the contents of the rifle in his mouth, rolled over,
+while a score rushed up to fill his place. Oh! how dreadful must have
+been the suspense and feelings of the drover as he lay crouched under
+the old tree, surrounded by this horde of glaring eyes, his ears split
+with their awful _howl_, and their hot and venomous breath fairly in his
+face! But the wolf is a base coward, and will not meet a man eye to eye,
+and so protected lay the drover, with his clenched teeth and unquivering
+eye, that the wolf had no chance to attack, but by rushing up to his
+very front. The red tongue lapped, the fierce teeth were arrayed and the
+demon eyes glaring, but the drover quailed not, and the cowardly wolf
+stood at bay. The sharp crack of the distant rifle still smote upon the
+air and the loud howl still went up over the forest around. The first
+faint streaks that deck the sky at morn, the fresh breath of coming day
+caught the keen scent of the bloody prowlers, and they began to skulk
+off. The drover gave the retreating cowards a farewell shot from his
+pistols, tumbled a lank, grey demon over, and the wolf howl soon died
+off in the distance.
+
+Daylight now appeared, and the drover crawled from his lair. His loud
+_whoop!_ to the disbanded men and drove was answered by the neigh of a
+horse, who came galloping up, and proved to be his own good hunter, who
+seemed happy indeed to meet his master. Another _whoop-e_ brought a
+responsive shout, and finally four men out of the twelve, with seven
+horses and a few straggling cattle, were mustered. The forest was strewn
+with torn carcasses of cattle and horses, mostly killed by the falling
+timber, and partly devoured by the ravenous wolves. A few hundred yards
+from the tree where the drover lay, was found a few fragments of
+clothes, the knife and rifle, and a half-eaten body of one of the
+soldiers. He had fought with the desperation of a mad man, and the dead
+and crippled wolves lay as trophies around the bold soldier. In a hollow
+near the river they found a horse and man partly eaten up, and several
+cattle that had apparently been hotly pursued and torn to death by the
+rapacious beasts. They started out in search of the spot from whence the
+drover had heard the firing in the night. They soon discovered the
+place; at the foot of a large dead sycamore stump, some twelve feet high
+lay the carcasses of a dozen or twenty wolves. Each wolf had his scalp
+neatly taken off, and his head elaborately bored by the rifle ball. An
+Indian ladder, that is, a scrubby saplin', trimmed with footholds left
+on it, was laying against the old tree, at the top of which was a sort
+of a rude scaffold, contrived, evidently, by a hunter. At a distance, in
+a hollow, was seen a great profusion of wolf skulls and bones, but no
+sign of a human being could there be traced. The party made a fire, and
+as beef lay plenty around, they regaled themselves heartily, after their
+night of horror and disaster. Having finished their repast, they
+separated, each taking different courses to hunt and drive up such of
+the stray cattle as could be found. My father, whom I have designated as
+the drover, pursued his way over the vast piles of fallen, tangled
+timber, leaping from one tree to the other. As he was about to throw
+himself over the trunk of a mighty prostrate oak, he found himself
+within two feet of one of the largest and most ferocious wolves that
+ever expanded its broad jaws and displayed its fierce tushes to the eye
+of man. Both parties were taken so suddenly by surprise, by this
+collision, that they seemed to be rooted to the spot without power to
+move. I have heard of serpents charming birds, said the drover, but I
+never believed in the theory until I found myself fairly magnetized by
+this great she-wolf. The wolf stood and snarled with its golden fiery
+eye bent upon the drover, who never moved his steady gaze from the
+wolf's face.
+
+There is not a beast in existence that will attack a man if he keeps his
+eyes steady upon the animal, but will cower and sneak off, and so did
+the wolf. But no sooner had she turned her head and with a howl started
+off, than a blue pill from the drover's Yeager split her skull, and
+brought her career to a speedy termination.
+
+_Whoo-ep!_
+
+A shout so peculiar to the lusty lungs of the western hunter made the
+welkin ring again, and as the astonished drover turned towards the
+shouter, he beheld a sight that proved quite as formidable as the wolf
+he had just slain.
+
+"Well done, stranger; you're the man for me; I like you. That shot done
+my heart good, though I was about to do the old she devil's business for
+ye, seeing as you war sort o' close quartered with the varmint."
+
+"Thank you," responded the drover, addressing the speaker, a tall,
+gaunt, iron-featured, weather-beaten figure, with long grey hair, and a
+rude suit of wolf-skin clothing, cap and moccasins. He held in his long
+arms a large rifle, a knife in his belt, and a powder horn slung over
+his side. He seemed the very patriarch of the woods, but good humored,
+and with his rough hilarity soon explained his presence there.
+
+"Well, stranger," said he, "you have had a mighty chance of bad luck yer
+last night, and I never saw them cursed varmints so crazy afore."
+
+"Do you live in these parts?" inquired the drover.
+
+"Ha! ha! yes, yes," replied the hunter. "I live yer, I live anywhar's
+whar wolf can be found. But you don't know me, I reckon, stranger?"
+
+"I do not," said the drover.
+
+"Ha! ha! well, that's quare, mighty quare. I thought thar warn't a man
+this side the blue ridge but what knows me and old _kit_ here, (his
+rifle.) Well, seeing you are a stranger, I'll just take that old
+sarpent's top-knot off, and have a talk with ye."
+
+With this introductory of matters, the hunter in the wolf-skins scalped
+the wolf, and tucking the scalp in his belt, motioned the drover to
+follow. He led the way in deep silence some half a mile to a small
+stream, down which they proceeded for some distance, until they came to
+a low and rudely-constructed cabin. Here the hunter requested the drover
+to take a seat on a log, in front of the cabin, while he entered through
+a small aperture in his hut, and brought forth a pipe, tobacco, and some
+dried meat. These dainties being discussed, old Nimrod the mean time
+kept chuckling to himself, and mumbling over the idea that there should
+be a white man or _Ingin_ this side the blue ridge that didn't know
+_him_.
+
+"Ha! ha! well, well, I swar, it is curious, stranger, that you don't
+know me, _me_ that kin show more _Ingin_ skelps than any white man that
+ever trod these war paths; _me_, who kin shoot more wolves and fetch in
+more of the varmints' skelps in one night than any white man or _Ingin_
+that ever trod this wilderness. But I'm gittin' old, very old,
+forgotten, and here comes a white man clean and straight from the
+settlements and he don't know me; I swar I've lived to be clean ashamed
+o' myself." And with this soliloquy, half to himself and partly
+addressed to the drover, the old hunter seemed almost fit to cry, at his
+imaginary insignificance and dotage.
+
+"But, friend," said the drover, "as you have not yet informed me by what
+name I may call you--"
+
+"_Call_ me, stranger? why I _am_"--and here his eyes glared as he threw
+himself into a heroic attitude--"Chris Green, _old_ Chris Green, the
+_wolf slayer!_ But, God bless ye, stranger, p'r'aps you're from t'other
+side the ridge, and don't know old Chris's history."
+
+"That I frankly admit," replied the drover.
+
+"Well, God bless ye, I love my fellow white men, yes, I do, though I
+live yer by myself, and clothe myself with the varmints' skins, go but
+seldom to the settlements, and live on what old kit thar provides me.
+
+"Well, stranger, my history's a mighty mournful one, but as yer unlucky
+like myself and plenty of business to 'tend to 'fore night, I'll make my
+troubles short to ye.
+
+"Well, you see about thirty years ago, I left the blue ridge with a
+party of my neighbors to come down yer in the Sciota country, to see it,
+and lay plans to drive the cussed red skins clean out of it. Well, the
+red skins appeared rather quiet, what few we fell in with, and monstrous
+civil. But cuss the sarpints, there's no more dependence to be put in
+'em than the cantankerous wolves, and roast 'em, I always sets old kit
+talkin' Dutch to them varmints, the moment I claps eyes on 'em. The
+wolf's my nat'ral inimy--I'd walk forty miles to git old kit a wolf
+skelp. Well, we travelled all over the valley, and we gin it as our
+opinion that the Sciota country was the garden spot o' the world, and if
+we could only defend ourselves 'gainst the inimy we should move right
+down yer at once. We went back home, and the next spring a hull
+settlement on us came down yer. My neighbors thought it best for us all
+to settle down together at Chillicothe, whar a few Ingin huts and cabins
+war. I had a wife, and son and da'ter; now, stranger, I loved 'em as
+dearer to me 'nor life or heart's blood itself. Well, the red skins soon
+began to show their pranks--they stole our cre'ters (horses), shot down
+our cattle, and made all manner o' trouble for the little settlement. At
+last I proposed we should build a clever-sized block house, strong and
+stanch, in which our wimen folks and children, with a few men to guard
+'em, could hold out a few days, while a handful o' us scoured Paint
+hills and the country about, and peppered a few of the cussed red
+devils. We had been out some four or five days when we fell in with the
+inimy; it war just about sunset, and the red skins war camped in a
+hollow close by this spot. We intended to let 'em get through their
+smoking and stretch themselves for the night, and then squar our
+accounts with 'em. Stranger, I've lived in these woods thirty years, I
+never saw such a hurricane as we had yer last night, 'cept once. The
+night we lay in ambush for the _Ingins_, six-and-twenty years ago, thar
+came up a hurricane, the next mornin' eleven of the bodies of my
+neighbors lay crushed along the bottom yer, and for a hundred miles
+along the Sciota, whar the hurricane passed, the great walnuts and
+sycamore lay blasted, root and branch, just as straight as ye'd run a
+bee line; no timber grow'd upon these bottoms since. Five on us escaped
+the hurricane, but before day we fell in with a large party of red
+skins, and we fought 'em like devils; three on us fell; myself and the
+only neighbor left war obliged to fly to the hills. I made my way to the
+settlement.
+
+"Stranger, when I looked down from the hills of Paint creek, and saw the
+block house scattered over the bottom, and not a cabin standin' or a
+livin' cre'ter to be seen in the settlement of Chillicothe, my heart
+left me; I become a woman at once, and sot down and cry'd as if I'd been
+whipped to death." The old man's voice grew husky, and the tears
+suffused his eyes, but after a few sighs and a tear, he proceeded:
+
+"Well, you see, stranger, a man cannot always be a child, nor a woman,
+either; my crying spell appeared to ease my heart amazin'ly. I
+shouldered old kit here, and down I went to examine things. The
+hurricane had scattered every thing; the fire had been at work too, but,
+great God! the bloody _wolf_ had been thar, the settlement was kivered
+with the bloody bones of my own family and friends; if any had escaped
+the hurricane, the fire or wolf, the _Ingins_ finished 'em, for I never
+seen 'em afterwards; I couldn't bear to stay about the place, I'd no
+home, friend, or kindred. I took to the woods, and swore eternal death
+to the red skins and my nat'ral inimy, the _wolf!_ I've been true to my
+word, stranger; that cabin is lined with skelps and ornamented with
+Ingin _top-knots!_ Look in, ha! ha! see there! they may well call old
+Chris the _Wolf Slayer!_"
+
+The drover regaled his eyes on the trophies of the old forlorn hunter,
+and then visited the _perch_, which was situated close by a "deer lick,"
+where wolves resorted to fall upon their victims. And from this _perch_
+old _Wolf Slayer_ had made fearful work upon his nat'ral inimy the night
+previous. The old hunter assisted, during the day, to collect such of
+the scattered drove as yet were alive or to be found; the men came with
+another of their companions, and the small drove and men left the scene
+of terror and disaster, wishing a God-speed to the _Wolf Slayer_.
+
+
+
+
+The Man that knew 'em All.
+
+
+If you have ever "been around" some, and taken notice of things, you
+have doubtless seen the man who knows pretty much every thing and every
+body!
+
+I've seen them frequently. As the old preacher observed to a venerable
+lady, in reference to _forerunners_, "I see 'em now." Well, talking of
+that rare and curious specimen of the human family, the man that knows
+every body, I've rather an amusing reminiscence of "one of 'em."
+Stopping over night at the Virginia House, in that jumping off place of
+Western Virginia, Wheeling, some years ago, I had the pleasure or
+pastime of meeting several of the big guns of the nation, on their way
+from Washington city, home. It was in August, I think, when, as is most
+generally the case, the Ohio river gets monstrous low and feeble; when
+all of the large steamers are past getting up so far, and travelling
+down the river becomes quite amusing to amateurs, and particularly
+tedious and monotonous to business people, bound home. Three hundred
+travellers, more or less, were laying back at the "Virginia" and "United
+States," in the aforesaid hardscrabble of a city, or town, waiting for
+the river to get up, or some means for them to get down.
+
+The session of Congress had closed at Washington, some time before, and
+as almost all of the M. C.'s, U. S. S.'s, wire pullers, hangers on,
+blacklegs, horse jockeys, etc., etc., came over "the National Road" to
+Wheeling, to take the river for Southern and Western destinations, of
+course the assemblage at that place, at that time, was promiscuous, and
+quite interesting; at least, Western and Southern men always make
+themselves happy and interesting, home or abroad, and particularly so
+when travelling. It was a glorious thing for the proprietors of the
+hotels, to have such a host of guests, as a house full of company always
+is a "host," the guests having nothing else to do but lay back, eat,
+drink, and be merry, and foot the bills when ready, or when opportunity
+offers, to---- go.
+
+They drank and smoked, and drank again, and told jests, and played games
+and tricks, and thus passed the time along. Among the multitude was one
+of those ever-talkative and chanting men of the world, who knew all
+places and all men--as _he_ would have it. Just after removing the
+cloth, at dinner, a knot of the old jokers, bacchanalians and wits,
+settled away in a cluster, at the far end of a long table, and were
+having a very pleasant time. The man of all talk was there; he was the
+very _nucleus_ of all that was being said or done. He was from below,
+somewhere, on his way, as he informed the crowd, to Washington city,
+upon affairs of no slight importance to himself and the country in
+general.
+
+"Oho!" says one of the party, a sly, winking, fat and rosy gentleman,
+whom we shall designate hereafter, "you're bound to the capital, eh?"
+
+"Yes, _sir_," responded the man of all talk.
+
+"Of course you've been there before?" says the interrogator, nudging a
+friend, and winking at the rest.
+
+"_What?_ Me been in Washington before? Ha, ha! _me_ been _there_ before!
+Bless you, me _been_ in Washington city!"
+
+"Oho! ha, ha!" says the interrogator, "you're one of the caucus folks,
+eh? One of them wire pullers we read about, eh?"
+
+"_Me?_ Caucus? Ha, ha! Mum's the word, gents, (looking killingly
+cunning.) Come, gentlemen, let's fill up. Ha, ha! me pulling the--ha,
+ha! Well, here's to the old Constitution; let's hang by her, while
+there's a--a--a button on Jabe's coat."
+
+And they all responded, of course, to this eloquent sentiment.
+
+"Here's to Jabe's buttons, coat, hat, and breeches."
+
+"Excuse me," continued the first operator, after the toast was wet down,
+"you'll please excuse me, in behalf of some of my friends here; as
+you've been down in that dratted place, and must know a good deal of the
+goings on there, I'd like to inquire about a few things we Western folks
+don't more than get an inkling of, through the papers."
+
+"Certainly; go on, sir," says the victim, assuming all the dignity and
+depth of a man that's appealed to to settle a ponderous matter.
+
+"I'd like to inquire if those Kitchen Cabinet disclosures of the
+Pennsylvania Senator, were true. Had you ever any means of satisfying
+yourself that there is, or was, a real service of gold in the
+President's house?"
+
+"Aye! that's what we'd all like to know," says another.
+
+"How many pieces were there?"
+
+"_What_ were they?"
+
+"Aye, and what their _heft_ was?"
+
+"Mum, gentlemen; let's drink--no tales out of school, ha, ha! No,
+no--mum's the word." And looking funny and deep, merry and wise, all at
+one and the same time, the man of all talk proposed to drink and
+keep---- _mum_.
+
+But they wouldn't drink, and insisted on the secret being let out--they
+wanted a decided and positive answer, from a man who knew the ropes.
+
+"Gentlemen," said the victim, dropping his voice into a sort of
+melo-dramatic stage whisper, and stooping quite over the table, so as to
+collect the several heads and ears as close into a phalanx as possible:
+"gentlemen, it's a _fact!_"
+
+"What?" says the party.
+
+"All gold!" says the victim.
+
+"A gold service?" inquires the party.
+
+"_Thirty-eight pieces!_" continued the victim.
+
+"Solid gold?" chimed the rest.
+
+"_Just half a ton in heft!_"
+
+"You don't tell us _that_?"
+
+"Know it; eat out of 'em, _then weighed 'em all!_"
+
+"P-h-e-w!" whistled some, while others went into stronger exclamations.
+
+"_Fact, by the great_ ----"
+
+"Oh, it's all right, sir; no doubt of it now, sir," said the mover of
+the business, grasping the victim's upraised arm.
+
+"Then, of course, sir, you're well acquainted with Matty Van; on good
+terms with the little Magician," continued the leading wag.
+
+"_Me?_ me on good terms with Matty? Ha, ha! that is a good joke; never
+go to Washington without cracking a bottle with the little fox, and
+staying over night with him. _Me_ on good terms with Matty? _We've had
+many a spree together!_ Yes, _sir!_" and the knowing one winked right
+and left.
+
+"Well, there's old Bullion," continued one of the interrogators, a fine
+portly old gent, "you know him, of course?"
+
+"What, Tom Benton? Bless your souls, I don't know my letters half as
+well as I know old Tom."
+
+"And Bill Allen, of Ohio?" asked another. "What sort of a fellow is
+Bill?"
+
+"Bill Allen? Lord O! isn't he a coon? Bill Allen? I wish I had a dime
+for every horn, and game of bluff, we've had together."
+
+"Well, there's another of 'em," inquiringly asked a fat, farmer-looking
+old codger: "Dr. Duncan, how's he stand down there about Washington?"
+
+"Oh, well, he's a pretty good sort of an old chap, but, gents, between
+you and I, (with another whisper,) there is a good deal of the 'old
+fogie' senna and salts about him. But then he's death and the pale hoss
+on poker."
+
+"What, Doctor Duncan?" says they.
+
+"Why, y-e-e-s, of course. Didn't he skin me out of my watch last winter,
+playing poker, at Willard's?"
+
+"Well," continued the fat farmer-looking man, "I didn't know Duncan
+_gambled_?"
+
+"Mum, not a word out of school; ha, ha! Let's drink, gents. Gamble? Lord
+bless you, it's common as dish-water down there--I've played euchre for
+hours with old Tom Benton, Harry Clay and Gen. Scott, _right behind the
+speaker's chair!_"
+
+_Then_ they all _drank_, of course, and some of the party liked to have
+choked. The company now proposed to adjourn to the smoking room, and
+they arose and left the table accordingly. The man of all talk
+promenaded out on to the steps, and in course of half an hour, says the
+leading spirit of the late dinner, or wine party, to him:--
+
+"Mr. ----a--a--?"
+
+"Ferguson, sir; George Adolphus Ferguson is my address, sir," responded
+the victim.
+
+"Mr. Ferguson, did you know that your friend Benton was in town?"
+inquired the wag.
+
+"What, Tom Benton here?"
+
+"And Allen," continued the wag.
+
+"What, Bill Allen, too?" says the victim.
+
+"And Doctor Duncan."
+
+"You don't tell me all them fellows are here?"
+
+"Yes, sir, your friends are all here. Come in and see them; your friends
+will be delighted," says the wag, taking Mister Ferguson by the arm, to
+lead him in.
+
+"Ha, ha! I'm a--a--ha, ha! _won't_ we have a time? But you just step
+in--I a--I'll be in in one moment," but in less than half the time, Mr.
+Ferguson mizzled, no one knew whither!
+
+The gentlemen at the table, it is almost needless to say, were no others
+than Benton, Allen, Duncan, and some three or four other arbiters of the
+fate of our immense and glorious nation, in her councils, and fresh from
+the capital.
+
+Ferguson has not been heard of since.
+
+
+
+
+A Severe Spell of Sickness.
+
+
+It is the easiest thing under heaven to be sick, if you can afford it.
+What it costs some rich men for family sickness per annum, would keep
+all the children in "a poor neighborhood" in "vittels" and clothes the
+year round. When old Cauliflower took sick, once in a long life-time, he
+was prevailed upon to send for Dr. Borax, and it was some weeks before
+Cauliflower got down stairs again. At the end of the year Dr. Borax sent
+in his bill; the amount gave Cauliflower spasms in his pocket-book, and
+threatened a whole year's profits with strangulation.
+
+"Doctor," says Cauliflower, "that bill of yours is all-fired steep,
+isn't it?"
+
+"No, sir," says Borax; "your case was a dangerous case--I never raised a
+man from the grave with such difficulty, in all my practice!"
+
+"But, fifty-three _calls_, doctor, one hundred and six dollars."
+
+"Exactly--two dollars a visit, sir," said the urbane doctor.
+
+"And twenty-seven prescriptions, four plasters, &c.--eighty-one
+dollars!"
+
+"One hundred and eighty-seven dollars, sir."
+
+"Well," says Cauliflower, "this may be all very _well_ for people who
+can af-_ford_ it, but I can't; there's your money, doctor, but I'll bet
+you won't catch me sick as that again--_soon!_"
+
+
+
+
+The Race of the Aldermen.
+
+
+In 183-, it chanced in the big city of New York, that the aldermen elect
+were a sort of _tie_; that is, so many whigs and so many democrats. Such
+a thing did not occur often, the democracy usually having the supremacy.
+They generally had things pretty much all their own way, and distributed
+their favors among their partizans accordingly. The whigs at length
+_tied_ them, and the _locos_, beholding with horror and misgivings, the
+new order of things which was destined to turn out many a holder of fat
+office, many a pat-riot overflowing with democratic patriotism, whose
+devotion to the cause of the country was manifest in the tenacity with
+which he clung to his place, were extremely anxious to devise ways and
+means to keep the whigs at bay; and as the day drew near, when the
+assembled Board of Aldermen should have their sitting at the City Hall,
+various _dodges_ were proposed by the locos to out-vote the whigs, in
+questions or decisions touching the distribution of places, and
+appointment of men to fill the various stations of the new municipal
+government.
+
+"I have it--I've got it!" exclaimed a round and jolly alderman of a
+democratic ward. "To-night the Board meets--we stand about eight and
+eight--this afternoon, let two of us invite two of the whigs, Alderman
+H---- and Alderman J----, out to a dinner at Harlem, get H---- and J----
+tight as wax, and then we can slip off, take our conveyance, come in,
+and vote the infernal whigs just where we want them!"
+
+"Capital! prime! Ha, ha, ha!" says one.
+
+"First rate! elegant! ha, ha, ha!" shouts another.
+
+"Ha, ha! haw! haw! he, he, he!" roared all the locys.
+
+"Well, gentlemen, let's all throw in a V apiece, to defray expenses; we,
+you know, of course, must put the whigs _through_, and we must give them
+a rouse they won't forget soon. Champagne and turtle, that's the ticket;
+coach for four _out_ and two _in_. Ha, ha!--The whigs shall see the
+elephant!"
+
+Well, the purse was made up, the coach hired, and the two victims, the
+poor whigs, were carted out under the pretence of a grand aldermanic
+feast to Harlem, the scene of many a spree and jollification with the
+city fathers, and other bon vivants and gourmands of Gotham.
+
+Dinner fit for an emperor being discussed, sundry bottles of "Sham" were
+uncorked, and their effervescing contents decanted into the well-fed
+bodies of the four aldermen. Toasts and songs, wit and humor, filled up
+the time, until the democrats began to think it was time that one of
+them slipped out, took the carriage back to the city, leaving the other
+to _fuddle_ the two whigs, and detain them until affairs at "the Tea
+Room," City Hall, were settled to the entire satisfaction of the
+democrats.
+
+"Landlord," says one of the democrats, whom we will call Brown,
+"landlord, have you any conveyance, horses, wagons, carriages or carts,
+by which any of my friends could go back to town to-night, if they
+wish?"
+
+"Oh, yes," says the landlord, "certainly--I can send the gentlemen in if
+they wish."
+
+"Very well, sir,--they may get very _tight_ before they desire to
+return--they are men of families, respectable citizens, and I do not
+wish them, under any circumstances, to leave your house until morning.
+Whatever the bill is I will foot, provided you deny them any of your
+means to go in to-night. You understand!"
+
+"Oh! yes, sir--if you request it as a matter of favor, that I shall
+keep your friends here, I will endeavor to do so--but hadn't you better
+attend to them yourself?"
+
+"Well, you see," says Brown, "I have business of importance to
+transact--must be in town this evening. Give the party all they
+wish--put that in your fob--(handing the host an X)--post up your bill
+in the morning, and I'll be out bright and early to make all square. Do
+you hark?" says Brown.
+
+"Oh, yes, sir--all right," responded the landlord.
+
+Brown gave his confederate the _cue_, stepped out, promising to "be in
+in a minute," and then, getting into a carriage, he drove back to the
+city, almost tickled to death with the idea of how nicely the whigs
+would be "dished" when they all met at the City Hall, and came up minus
+_two!_
+
+Smith, Brown's loco friend, did his best to keep the thing up, by
+calling in the New Jersey thunder and lightning--vulgarly known as
+Champagne--and even walked into the aforesaid t. and l. so deeply
+himself, that a man with half an eye might see Smith would be as blind
+as an owl in the course of the evening. But Smith was bound to do the
+thing up brown, and thought no sacrifice too great or too expensive to
+preserve the loaves and fishes of his party. All of a sudden, however,
+night was drawing on a pace, the whigs began to smell a _mice_. The
+absence of Brown, and the excessive politeness and liberality of Smith,
+in hurrying up the bottles, settled it in the minds of the whigs, that
+something was going on dangerous to the whig cause, and that they had
+better look out--_and so they did_.
+
+"Jones," says one of the whigs, _sotto voce_, to the other, "Brown has
+cleared; it is evident he and Smith calculate to corner us here, prevent
+your presence in 'the Tea Room' to-night, and thus defeat your vote."
+
+"The deuce! You don't think that, Hall, do you?"
+
+"Faith, I do; but we won't be caught napping. Waiter, bring in a bottle
+of brandy."
+
+"Brandy?" said Smith, in astonishment. "Why, you ain't going to dive
+right into it, in that way, are you?"
+
+"Why not?" says Hall. "Brandy's the best thing in the world to settle
+your nerves after getting half fuddled on Champagne, my boy; just you
+try it--take a good stiff horn. Brown, you see, has _cut_, we must
+follow; so let's straighten up and get ready for a start. Here's to 'the
+loaves and fishes.'" Jones and Hall took their horns of Cogniac, which
+does really make some men sober as judges after they are very drunk on
+real or spurious Champagne.
+
+"Well," says Smith, "it's my opinion we'll all be very _tight_ going in
+this way, brandy on Champagne; but here goes to the fishes and
+loaves--the loaves and fishes, I mean."
+
+The brandy had a rather contrary effect from what it does usually; it
+did _settle_ Smith--in five minutes he was so very "boozy" that his chin
+bore down upon his breast, he became as "limber as a rag," and snored
+like a pair of bagpipes.
+
+"Now, Jones," says Hall, "let's be off. Landlord, get us a gig, wagon,
+carriage, cart, any thing, and let's be off; we must be in town
+immediately."
+
+"Sorry, gentlemen, but can't oblige you--haven't a vehicle on the
+premises!"
+
+"Why, confound it, you don't pretend to say you can't send us into town
+to-night, do you?" says Jones, waxing uneasy.
+
+"Haven't you a horse, jackass, mule or a wheelbarrow--any thing, so we
+can be carted in, right off, too?" says Hall.
+
+"Can't help it, gentlemen."
+
+"What time do the _cars_ come along?" eagerly inquires Jones.
+
+"About nine o'clock," coolly replies the host.
+
+"Nine fools!" shouted the discomfited alderman. "But this won't do;
+come, Jones, no help for it--can't fool us in that way--eight miles to
+the City Hall--two hours to do it in; off coat and _let's foot it!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The City Hall clock had just struck 7 P. M., the Tea Room was lighted up,
+the assembled wisdom of the municipal government had their toadies, and
+reporters and lookers-on were there; the room was quite full. Brown was
+there, in the best of spirits, and the locos all fairly snorted with
+glee at the scientific manner in which Brown had "done" Jones and Hall
+out of their votes! The business of the evening was climaxing: the whigs
+missing two of their number, were in quite a spasm of doubt and fear.
+The chairman called the meeting to order. The roll was called: seven
+"good and true" locos answered the call. Six whigs had answered: the
+seventh was being called: the locos were grinning, and twisting their
+fingers at the apex of their noses!
+
+"Alderman Jones! Alderman Jones!" bawled the roll-caller.
+
+"Here!" roared the missing individual, bursting into the room.
+
+"Alderman Hall!" continued the roll.
+
+"Here!" responded that notable worthy, rushing in, entirely blowed out.
+
+"Beat, by thunder!" roared the locos, in grand chorus; and in the modern
+classics of the Bowery, "they wasn't any thing else." The whigs not only
+had the cut but the entire _deal_ in the appointments that time, and
+Alderman Brown had a _bill_ at Harlem, a little more serious to foot
+than the racing of the aldermen to get a chance to vote.
+
+
+
+
+Getting Square.
+
+
+It seems to be just as natural for a subordinate in a "grocery" to levy
+upon the _till_, for material aid to his own pocket, as for the sparks
+to fly upwards or water run down hill. Innumerable stories are told of
+the peculations of these "light-fingered gentry," but one of the best of
+the boodle is a story we are now about to dress up and trot out, for
+your diversion.
+
+A tavern-keeper in this city, some years ago, advertised for a
+bar-keeper, "a young man from the country preferred!" Among the several
+applicants who exhibited themselves "for the vacancy," was a decent,
+harmless-looking youth whose general _contour_ at once struck the
+tavern-keeper with most favorable impressions.
+
+"So you wish to try your hand tending bar?"
+
+"Yes, sir," said he.
+
+"Have you ever tended bar?"
+
+"No, sir; but I do not doubt my ability to learn."
+
+"Yes, yes, you can learn fast enough," says the tavern-keeper. "In fact,
+I'm glad you are green at the business, you will suit me the better; the
+last fellow I had come to me recommended as one of the best bar-keepers
+in New Orleans; he was posted up in all the fancy drinks and fancy
+names, he wore fancy clothes and had a fancy dog, and I fancied pretty
+soon that the rascal had taken a fancy to my small change, so I
+discharged him in double quick time."
+
+"Served him right, sir," said the new applicant.
+
+"Of course I did. Well now, sir, I'll engage you; you can get the 'run'
+of things in a few weeks. I will give you twenty-five dollars a month,
+first month, and thirty dollars a month for the balance of the year."
+
+"I'll accept it, sir," says the youth.
+
+"Do you think it's enough?"
+
+"O, yes, indeed, sir!"
+
+"Well," says Boniface. "Now mark me, young man, I will pay you,
+punctually, but you mustn't pay yourself extra wages!"
+
+"Pay myself?" says the unsophisticated youth.
+
+"Musn't take 'the run' of the till!"
+
+"Run of the till?"
+
+"No knocking down, sir!"
+
+"O, bless you!" quoth the verdant youth, "I am as good-natured as a
+lamb; I never knocked any body down in all my life."
+
+"Ha! ha!" ejaculated the landlord; "he _is_ green, so I won't teach him
+what he don't know. What's your name?"
+
+"Absalom Hart, sir."
+
+"Good Christian-like name, and I've no doubt we shall agree together,
+for a long time; so go to work."
+
+Absalom "pitched in," a whole year passed, Absalom and the landlord got
+along slick as a whistle. Another year, two, three, four; never was
+there a more attentive, diligent and industrious bar-keeper behind a
+marble slab, or armed with a toddy stick. He was the _ne plus ultra_ of
+bar-keepers, a perfect paragon of toddy mixers. But one day, somehow or
+other, the landlord found himself in custody of the sheriff, bag and
+baggage. Business had not fallen off, every thing seemed properly
+managed, but, somehow or other, the landlord broke, failed, caved in,
+and the sheriff sold him out.
+
+Who bought the concern? Absalom Hart--nobody else. Some of the people
+were astonished.
+
+"Well, who would have thought it?"
+
+"Hurrah for Absalom!"
+
+"By George, that was quick work!" were the remarks of the outsiders,
+when the fact of the sale and purchase became known. The landlord felt
+quite humbled, he was out of house and home, but he had a friend,
+surely.
+
+"Mr. Hart, things work queer in this world, sometimes."
+
+"Think so?" quietly responded the new landlord.
+
+"I do, indeed; yesterday I was up, and to-day I am down."
+
+"Very true, sir."
+
+"Yesterday you were down, to-day you are up."
+
+"Very true; time works wonders, Mr. Smith."
+
+"It does indeed, sir. Now, Mr. Hart, I am out of employment--got my
+family to support; I always trusted I treated you like a man, didn't I?"
+
+"A--ye-e-s, you did, I believe."
+
+"Now, I want you to employ me; I have a number of friends who of course
+will patronize our house while I am in it, and you can afford me a fair
+sort of a living to help you."
+
+"Well, Mr. Smith," said Mr. Hart, "I suppose I shall have to hire
+somebody, and as I don't believe in taking a raw hand from the country,
+I will take one who understands all about it. I'll engage you; so go to
+work."
+
+"Thank you, Mr. Hart." And so the master became the man, and the man the
+master.
+
+"Poor Smith, he's down!" cries one old habitue of the 'General
+Washington' bar-room. "I carkelated he'd gin out afore long, if he let
+other people 'tend to his business instead of himself."
+
+"I didn't like that fellow Absalom, no how," says another old head;
+"he's 'bout skin'd Smith."
+
+"Well, Smith kin be savin', he's larnt something," says a third, "and
+oughter try to get on to his pegs again."
+
+But when Absalom gave his "free blow," these fellows all "went in,"
+partook of the landlord's hospitality, and hoped--of course they
+did--that he might live several thousand years, and make a fortune!
+
+Time slid on--Smith was attentive, no bar-keeper more assiduous and
+devoted to the toddy affairs of the house, than Jerry Smith, the
+pseudo-bar-keeper of Absalom Hart. Absalom being landlord of a popular
+drinking establishment, was surrounded by politicians, horse jockies,
+and various otherwise complexioned, fancy living personages. Ergo,
+Absalom began to lay off and enjoy himself; he had his horses, dogs, and
+other pastimes; got married, and cut it very "fat." One day he got
+involved for a friend, got into unnecessary expenses, was sued for
+complicated debts, and so entangled with adverse circumstances, that at
+the end of his third year as landlord, the sheriff came in, and the
+"General Washington" again came under the hammer.
+
+Now, who will become purchaser? Every body wondered who would become the
+next customer.
+
+"I will, by George!" says Smith. And Smith did; he had worked long and
+_faith_fully, and he had saved something. Smith bought out the whole
+concern, and once more he was landlord of the "General Washington."
+
+Absalom was cut down, like a hollyhock in November--he was dead broke,
+and felt, in his present situation, flat, stale, and unprofitable
+enough.
+
+"Mr. Smith," said Absalom, the day after the collapse, "I am once more
+on my oars."
+
+"Yes, Ab, so it seems; it's a queer world, sometimes we are up, and
+sometimes we are down. Time, Ab, works wonders, as you once very
+forcibly remarked."
+
+"It does, indeed, sir."
+
+"We have only to keep up our spirits, Ab, go ahead; the world is large,
+if it is full of changes."
+
+"True, sir, very true. I was about to remark, Mr. Smith--"
+
+"Well, Ab."
+
+"That we have known one another--"
+
+"Pretty well, I think!"
+
+"A long time, sir--"
+
+"Yes, Ab."
+
+"And when I was up and you down--"
+
+"Yes, go on."
+
+"I gave you a chance to keep your head above water."
+
+"True enough, Ab, my boy."
+
+"Now, sir, I want you to give me charge of the bar again, and I'll off
+coat and go to work like a Trojan."
+
+"Ab Hart," said Smith, "when you came to me, you was so green you could
+hardly tell a crossed quarter from a bogus pistareen--the 'run of the
+till' you learnt in a week, while in less than a month you was the best
+hand at 'knocking down' I ever met! There's fifty dollars, you and I are
+square; we will keep so--go!"
+
+Poor Absalom was beat at his own game, and soon left for parts unknown.
+
+
+
+
+People Do Differ!
+
+
+Fifty years ago, Uncle Sam was almost a stranger on the maps; he hadn't
+a friend in the world, apparently, while he had more enemies than he
+could shake a stick at. Every body snubbed him, and every body wanted to
+lick him. But Sam has now grown to be a crowder; his spunk, too, goes up
+with his resources, and he don't wait for any body to "knock the chip
+off his hat," but goes right smack up to a crowd of fighting bullies,
+and rolling up his sleeves, he coolly "wants to know" if any body had
+any thing to say about him, in that crowd! Uncle Sam is no longer "a
+baby," his _physique_ has grown to be quite enormous, and we rather
+expect the old fellow will have to have a pitched battle with some body
+soon, _or he'll spile!_
+
+
+
+
+Bill Whiffletree's Dental Experience.
+
+
+Have you ever had the tooth-ache? If not, then blessed is your
+ignorance, for it is indeed bliss to know nothing about the tooth-ache,
+as you know nothing, absolutely nothing about pain--the acute,
+double-distilled, rectified agony that lurks about the roots or fangs of
+a treacherous tooth. But ask a sufferer how it feels, what it is like,
+how it operates, and you may learn something theoretically which you may
+pray heaven that you may not know practically.
+
+But there's poor William Whiffletree--he's been through the mill,
+fought, bled, and died (slightly) with the refined, essential oil of the
+agony caused by a raging tooth. Every time we read _Othello_, we are
+half inclined to think that _more_ than half of Iago's devilishness came
+from that "raging tooth," which would not let him sleep, but tortured
+and tormented "mine ancient" so that he became embittered against all
+the world, and blackamoors in particular.
+
+William Whiffletree's case is a very strong illustration of what
+tooth-ache is, and what it causes people to do; and affords a pretty
+fair idea of the manner in which the tooth and sufferer are medicinally
+and morally treated by the _materia medica_, and friends at large.
+
+William Whiffletree--or "Bill," as most people called him--was a sturdy
+young fellow of two-and-twenty, of "poor but respectable parents," and
+'tended the dry-goods store of one Ethan Rakestraw, in the village of
+Rockbottom, State of New York.
+
+One unfortunate day, for poor Bill, there came to Rockbottom a
+galvanized-looking individual, rejoicing in the euphonium of Dr.
+Hannibal Orestes Wangbanger. As a surgeon, he had--according to the
+album-full of _certificates_--operated in all the scientific branches of
+amputation, from the scalp-lock to the heel-tap, upon Emperors, Kings,
+Queens, and common folks; but upon his science in the dental way, he
+spread and grew luminous! In short, Dr. Wangbanger had not been long in
+Rockbottom before his "gift of gab," and unadulterated propensity to
+elongate the blanket, set every body, including poor Bill Whiffletree,
+in a furor to have their teeth cut, filed, scraped, rasped, reset, dug
+out, and burnished up!
+
+Now Bill, being, as we aforestated, a muscularly-developed youth, got up
+in the most sturdy New Hampshire style, _his_ teeth _were_ teeth, in
+every way calculated to perform long and strong; but Bill was fast
+imbibing counter-jumper notions, dabbling in stiff dickeys, greased
+soap-locks, and other fancy "flab-dabs," supposed to be essential in
+cutting a swarth among ye fair sex.
+
+So that when Dr. Wangbanger once had an audience with Mr. William
+Whiffletree in regard to one of Mr. Whiffletree's molars which Bill
+thought had a "speck" on it, he soon convinced the victim that the said
+molar not only was specked, but out of the dead plumb of its nearest
+neighbor at least the 84th part of an inch!
+
+"O, shocking!" says the remorseless _hum_; "it is well I saw it in time,
+Mr. Whiffletree. Why, in the course of a few weeks, that tooth, sir,
+would have exfoliated, calcareous supperation would have ensued, the gum
+would have ossified, while the nerve of the tooth becoming
+apostrophized, the roots would have concatenated in their hiatuses, and
+the jaw-bone, no longer acting upon their fossil exoduses, would
+necessarily have led to the entire suspension of the capillary organs of
+your stomach and brain, and--_death would supervene in two hours!_"
+
+Poor Bill! he scarcely knew what fainting was, but a queer sensation
+settled in his "ossis frontis," while his ossis legso almost bent double
+under him, at the awful prospect of things before him! He took a long
+breath, however, and in a voice tremulous with emotion, inquired--
+
+"Good Lord, Doctor! what's to be done for a feller?"
+
+"Plug and file," calmly said the Doctor.
+
+"Plug and file what?"
+
+"The second molar," said the Doctor; though the treacherous monster
+_meant_ Bill's wallet, of course!
+
+"What'll it cost, Doctor?" says Bill.
+
+"Done in my very best manner, upon the new and splendid system invented
+by myself, sir, and practiced upon all the crowned heads of Europe,
+London, and Washington City, it will cost you three dollars."
+
+"Does it hurt much, Doctor?" was Bill's cautious inquiry.
+
+"Very little, indeed; it's sometimes rather agreeable, sir, than
+otherwise," said the Doctor.
+
+"Then go at it, Doctor! Here's the _dosh_," and forking over three
+dollars, down sits William Whiffletree in a high-backed chair, and the
+Doctor's assistant--a sturdy young Irishman--clamping Bill's head to the
+back of the chair, to keep it steady, as the Doctor remarked, the latter
+began to "bore and file."
+
+"O! ah! ho-ho-hold on, _hold on!_" cries Bill, at the first _gouge_ the
+Doctor gave the huge tooth.
+
+"O! be me soul! be aizy, zur," says the Irishman, "it's mesilf as
+untherstands it--_I'll howld on till yees!_"
+
+"O--O-h-h-h!" roars Bill, as the Doctor proceeds.
+
+"Be quiet, sir; the pain won't signify!" says the Doctor.
+
+"Go-goo-good Lord-d-d! Ho-ho-hol-hold on!"
+
+"O, yeez needn't be afeared of that--I'm howldin' yeez tight as a
+divil!" cries Paddy, and sure enough he _was_ holding, for in vain Bill
+screwed and twisted and squirmed around; Pat held him like a
+cider-press.
+
+"Let me--me--O--O--O! Everlasting creation! let me go-o-o--stop, _hold
+on-n-n!_" as the Doctor bored, screwed, and plugged away at the tooth.
+
+"All done, sir; let the patient up, Michael," says the Doctor, with a
+confident twirl of his perfumed handkerchief. "There, sir--there was
+science, art, elegance, and dispatch! Now, sir, your tooth is safe--your
+life is safe--_you're a sound man!_"
+
+"Sound?" echoes poor Bill, "sound? Why, you've broken my jaw into
+flinders; you've set all my teeth on edge; and I've no more
+feelin'--gall darn ye!--in my jaws, than if they were iron steel-traps!
+You've got the wuth of your money out of my mouth, and I'm off!"
+
+That night was one of anxiety and misery to William Whiffletree. The
+disturbed _molar_ growled and twitched like mad; and, by daylight, poor
+Bill's cheek was swollen up equal to a printer's buff-ball, his mouth
+puckered, and his right eye half "bunged up."
+
+"Why, William," says Ethan Rakestraw, as Bill went into the store, "what
+in grace ails thy face? Thee looks like an owl in an ivy-bush!"
+
+"Been plugged and filed," says Bill, looking cross as a meat-axe at his
+snickering Orthodox boss.
+
+"Plugged and _fined_? Thee hain't been fighting, William?"
+
+"Fined? No, I ain't been _fined_ or fighting, Mr. Rakestraw, but I bet I
+do fight that feller who gave me the tooth-ache!--O! O!" moaned poor
+Bill, as he clamped his swollen jaw with his hand, and went around
+waving his head like a plaster-of-paris mandarin.
+
+"O! thee's been to the dentist, eh? Got the tooth-ache? Go thee to my
+wife; she'll cure thee in one minute, William; a little laudanum and
+cotton will soon ease thy pain."
+
+Mrs. Rakestraw applied the laudanum to Bill's molar, but as it did no
+kind of good, old grandmother proposed a poultice; and soon poor Bill's
+head and cheek were done up in mush, while he groaned and grunted and
+started for the store, every body gaping at his swollen countenance as
+though he was a rare curiosity.
+
+"Halloo, Bill!" says old Firelock, the gunsmith, as Bill was going by
+his shop; "got a bag in your calabash, or got the tooth-ache?"
+
+Bill looked daggers at old Firelock, and by a nod of his head intimated
+the cause of his distress.
+
+"O, that all? Come in; I'll stop it in a minute and a half; sit down,
+I'll fix it--I've cured hundreds," says Firelock.
+
+"What are you--O-h-h, dear! what are you going to do?" says Bill, eyeing
+the wire, and lamp in which Firelock was heating the wire.
+
+"Burn out the marrow of the tooth--'twill never trouble you again--I've
+cured hundreds that way! Don't be afeared--you won't feel it but a
+moment. Sit still, keep cool!" says Firelock.
+
+"Cool?" with a hot wire in his tooth! But Bill, being already intensely
+crucified, and assured of Firelock's skill, took his head out of the
+mush-plaster, opened his jaws, and Firelock, admonishing him to "keep
+cool," crowded the hot, sizzling wire on to the tin foil jammed into the
+hollow by Wangbanger, and gave it a twist clear through the melted tin
+to the exposed nerve. Bill jumped, bit off the wire, burnt his tongue,
+and knocked Firelock nearly through the partition of his shop; and so
+frightened Monsieur Savon, the little barber next door, that he rushed
+out into the street, crying--
+
+"Mon Dieu! mon Dieu! Ze zundair strike my shop!"
+
+Bill was stone dead--Firelock crippled. The apothecary over the way came
+in, picked up poor Bill, applied some camphor to his nose, and brought
+him back to life, and--the pangs of tooth-ache!
+
+"Kreasote!" says Squills, the 'pothecary. "I'll ease your pain, Mr.
+Whiffletree, in a second!"
+
+Poor Bill gave up--the kreasote added a fresh invoice to his
+misery--burnt his already lacerated and roasted tongue--and he yelled
+right out.
+
+"Death and glory! O-h-h-h-h, murder! You've pizened me!"
+
+"Put a hot brick to that young man's face," said a stranger; "'twill
+take out the pain and swelling in three minutes!"
+
+Bill revived; he seemed pleased at the stranger's suggestion; the Brick
+was applied; but Bill's cheek being now half raw with the various
+messes, it made him yell when the brick touched him!
+
+He cleared for home, went to bed, and the excessive pain, finally, with
+laudanum, kreasote, fire, and hot bricks, put him to sleep.
+
+He awoke at midnight, in a frightful state of misery; walked the floor
+until daylight; was tempted two or three times to jump out the window or
+crawl up the chimney!
+
+Until noon next day he suffered, trying in vain, every ten minutes, some
+"known cure," oils, acids, steam, poultices, and the ten thousand
+applications usually tried to cure a raging tooth.
+
+Desperation made Bill revengeful. He got a club and went after Dr.
+Wangbanger, who had set all the village in a rage of tooth-ache. Ten or
+a dozen of his victims were at his door, awaiting ferociously their
+turns to be revenged.
+
+But the bird had flown; the _teuth-doctor_ had sloped; yet a good
+Samaritan came to poor Bill, and whispering in his ear, Bill started for
+Monsieur Savon's barber-shop, took a seat, shut his eyes, and said his
+prayers. The little Frenchman took a keen knife and pair of pincers, and
+Bill giving one awful yell, the tooth was out, and his pains and perils
+at an end!
+
+
+
+
+A-a-a-in't they Thick?
+
+
+During the "great excitement" in Boston, relative to the fugitive slave
+"fizzle," a good-natured country gentleman, by the name of Abner Phipps;
+an humble artisan in the fashioning of buckets, wash-tubs and
+wooden-ware generally, from one of the remote towns of the good old Bay
+State, paid his annual visit to the metropolis of Yankee land. In the
+multifarious operations of his shop and business, Abner had but little
+time, and as little inclination, to keep the run of _latest news_, as
+set forth glaringly, every day, under the caption of _Telegraphic
+Dispatches_, in the papers; hence, it requires but a slight extension of
+the imagination to apprise you, "dear reader," that our friend Phipps
+was but meagerly "posted up" in what was going on in this great country,
+half of his time. I must do friend Phipps the favor to say, that he was
+not ignorant of the fact that "Old Hickory" fout well down to New
+Orleans, and that "Old Zack" flaxed the Mexicans clean out of their
+boots in Mexico; likewise that Millerism was a humbug, and money was
+pretty generally considered a cash article all over the universal world.
+
+But what did Phipps know or care about the Fugitive Slave bill? Not a
+red cent's worth, no more than he did of the equitation of the earth,
+the Wilmot proviso, or Barnum's woolly horse--not a _red_. He came to
+Boston annually to see how things were a workin'; pleasure, not
+business. The very first morning of his arrival in town, the hue and cry
+of "slave hunters," was raised--Shadrack, the fugitive, was arrested at
+his vocation--table servant at Taft's eating establishment, Corn Hill,
+where Abner Phipps accidentally had stuck his boots under the
+mahogany, for the purpose of recuperating his somewhat exhausted
+inner-man. Abner saw the arrest, he was quietly discussing his
+_tapioca_, and if thinking at all, was merely calculating what the
+profits were, upon a two-and-sixpence dinner, at a Boston
+_restaurateur_. He saw there was a muss between the black waiter and two
+red-nosed white men, but as he did not know what it was all about, he
+didn't care; it was none of his business; and being a part of his
+religion, not to meddle with that that did not concern him, he continued
+his _tapioca_ to the bottom of his plate, then forked over the
+equivalent and stepped out.
+
+As Phipps turned into Court square, it occurred, slightly, that the
+niggers had got to be rather thick in Boston, to what they used to be;
+and bending his footsteps down Brattle street, once or twice it occurred
+to him that the niggers _had_ got to be thick--darn'd thick, for they
+passed and repassed him--walked before him and behind him, and in fact
+all around him.
+
+"Yes," says Phipps, "the niggers are thick, thundering thick--never saw
+'em so thick in my life. _Ain't they thick?_" he soliloquized, and as he
+continued his stroll in the purlieus of "slightly soiled" garments,
+vulgarly known as second-hand shops, mostly proprietorized by very
+dignified and respectable _col'ud pussons_, it again struck Phipps quite
+forcibly that the niggers were _a_ getting thick.
+
+"Godfree! but ain't they thick! I hope to be stabbed with a gridiron,"
+said Phipps, "if there ain't more _niggers_--look at 'em--more niggers
+than would patch and grade the infernal regions eleven miles! Guess I've
+enough niggers for a spell," continued Phipps, "so I'll just pop in
+here, and see how this feller sells his notions." And so Abner, having
+reached Dock square, saunters into a gun, pistol, bowie, jack-knife,
+dog-collar, shot-bag, and notion-shop in general. Unlucky step.
+
+The stiff-dickied, frizzle-headed, polished and perfumed shop-keeper was
+on hand, and particularly predisposed to sell the stranger something.
+Just then a nigger passed the door, and looked in very sharply at
+Phipps, and presently two more passed, then a fourth and fifth, all
+_looking_ more or less pointedly at the manufacturer of wooden doin's,
+and white-pine fixin's.
+
+"That's a neat _collar_," says the shop-keeper, as Phipps, sort of
+miscellaneously, placed his hand upon a brass-band, red-lined
+dog-collar.
+
+"Collar! don't call that a _collar_, do you?"
+
+"I do, sir, a beautiful collar, sir."
+
+"What for, _solgers_?" asks Phipps.
+
+"Soldiers, no, dogs," says the shop-keeper, puckering his mouth as
+though he had _sampled_ a lemon.
+
+"_O!_" says Phipps, suddenly realizing the fact. "I ain't got no dogs;
+bad stock; don't pay; tax 'em up where I live; wouldn't pay tax for
+forty dogs." More niggers passed, repassed, and looked in at Phipps and
+the storekeeper.
+
+"I say, ain't the niggers got to be thick--infernal thick, in your town
+lately?"
+
+"Well, I don't know that they are," replied the shop-keeper; "getting
+rather scarce, I think, since the Fugitive bill has been put in force
+over the country, sir, but it does appear to me," said the shop-keeper,
+twiging sundry and suspicious-looking col'ud gem'en passing by his
+store, gaping in rather wistfully at the door, and peeping through the
+sash of the windows--"it does appear to me, that a good many colored
+persons are about this morning; yes, there is, why there goes more, more
+yet; bless me, there's another, two, three, four, why a dozen has just
+passed; they seem to look in here rather curiously, I wonder--only look;
+what has stirred them up, I want to know!" the fluctuation of the
+_Congo_ market completely attracted the handsome man's attention;
+his surprise finally assumed the most tangible shape and complexion of
+fear, for the niggers, one and all, looked savage as meat-axes, and
+began to get too numerous to mention.
+
+[Illustration: "What dat! got pistils in your pocket, eh?" says one of
+two big buck Niggers, shying up alongside of the new velocipeding
+up-country artisan. "What dat! got de hand-cuffs in he
+pocket!"--_Page_ 99.]
+
+"Well, guess I'll be goin'," says Phipps, after fumbling over some of
+the shooting-irons, jack-knives, etc.; reaching the street, he was more
+fully impressed with the fixed fact, that the niggers were all sorts of
+thick. They fairly crowded him; one buck darkey rubbed slap up against
+Phipps, as he moved out of the store. "Look here, Mister," says Phipps,
+"ain't all this street big enough for you without a crowdin' me?"
+
+The nigger stopped, looked arsenic and chain lightning at Phipps, and
+then moved off, saying in a sort of undertone--
+
+"Gorra, I guess you'll be crowded a wus'n dat afore dis day is ober."
+
+"Will, eh?" responded Abner Phipps, slightly mystified as to the why and
+wherefore, that _he_ should, in particular, be "crowded," especially by
+an Ethiopic gentleman.
+
+"I guess I _won't_ then," resumed Phipps; "if any body ventures to crowd
+me, just a purpose, I guess I'll be darn'd apt, and mighty quick to
+squash in their heads, or whoop'm on the spot."
+
+"What dat? got pistils in your pocket, eh?" says one of the two big buck
+niggers, shying up alongside of the now velocipeding up-country artisan.
+Phipps looked back, the negroes were following him. "Pistils? who's
+talkin' about pistils, mister?" he ventured to ask.
+
+"Dat's him, watch'm."
+
+"Why, we see'd you goin' in dar, dat pistol shop; want to lay in a stock
+of dirks and pistils, eh?" says the negro.
+
+"You--you got any hand-cuffs in you' pocket?" inquired another.
+
+"What dat? got de hand-cuffs in he pocket?"
+
+"Pistils and bowie knibes!" says a third.
+
+"Dat's him! watch'm!"
+
+"Knock'm down, put dat white hat ober his eyes! Hoo-r-r!"
+
+The negroes now fairly beset our victimized friend Phipps; he stopped,
+buttoned his coat, the negroes augmented; glared at him like demons; he
+fixed his hat firmly upon his head; the negroes began to grin and move
+upon him; he spat upon his hands; the negroes began to yell, and to
+close in upon him; with one grand effort, one mighty gathering of all
+the human faculties called into action by fear and desperation, Phipps
+bounded like a Louisiana bull at a gate post; he knocked down two,
+_square_; kicked over four, and rushing through the now very
+considerable and formidable array of ebony, he _broke_ equal to a wild
+turkey through a corn bottom, or a sharp knife through a pound of milky
+butter; and it is very questionable whether Phipps ever stopped running
+until his boots _busted_, or he reached his bucket factory on Taunton
+river. His negro deputation _waited on him_ with a rush clear outside of
+town, where the speed and bottom of Abner distanced the entire
+committee. The key to this joke is: Phipps was dogged from Tafts'--by
+the "vigilant committee," as an informer, or slave-hunter at least, and
+hence the delicate attentions of the col'ud pop'lation paid him. I have
+no doubt, that if Abner Phipps be asked, how things look around Boston,
+he would observe with some energy,
+
+"Niggers--niggers are thick--Godfree! _a-a-a-in't they thick!_"
+
+
+
+
+A Desperate Race.
+
+
+Some years ago, I was one of a convivial party, that met in the
+principal hotel in the town of Columbus, Ohio, the seat of government of
+the Buckeye State.
+
+It was a winter evening when all without was bleak and stormy, and all
+within were blythe and gay; when song and story made the circuit of the
+festive board, filling up the chasms of life with mirth and laughter.
+
+We had met for the express purpose of making a night of it, and the
+pious intention was duly and most religiously carried out. The
+Legislature was in session in that town, and not a few of the worthy
+legislators were present upon this occasion.
+
+One of these worthies I will name, as he not only took a big swath in
+the evening's entertainment, but he was a man _more_ generally known
+than our worthy President, James K. Polk. That man was the famous
+Captain Riley! whose "narrative" of suffering and adventures is pretty
+generally known, all over the civilized world. Captain Riley was a fine,
+fat, good-humored joker, who at the period of my story was the
+representative of the Dayton district, and lived near that little city
+when at home. Well, Captain Riley had amused the company with many of
+his far-famed and singular adventures, which being mostly told before
+and read by millions of people, that have ever seen his book, I will not
+attempt to repeat them.
+
+Many were the stories and adventures told by the company, when it came
+to the turn of a well known gentleman who represented the Cincinnati
+district. As Mr. ---- is yet among the living, and perhaps not disposed
+to be the subject of joke or story, I do not feel at liberty to give
+his name. Mr. ---- was a slow believer of other men's adventures, and at
+the same time much disposed to magnify himself into a marvellous hero
+whenever the opportunity offered. As Captain Riley wound up one of his
+truthful, though really marvellous adventures, Mr. ---- coolly remarked,
+that the captain's story was all very _well_, but it did not begin to
+compare with an adventure that he had "once upon a time" on the Ohio,
+below the present city of Cincinnati.
+
+"Let's have it!" "Let's have it!" resounded from all hands.
+
+"Well, gentlemen," said the Senator, clearing his voice for action and
+knocking the ashes from his cigar against the arm of his chair.
+"Gentlemen, I am not in the habit of spinning yarns of marvellous or
+fictitious matters; and therefore it is scarcely necessary to affirm
+upon the responsibility of my reputation, gentlemen, that what I am
+about to tell you, I most solemnly proclaim to be truth, and--"
+
+"Oh! never mind that, go on, Mr. ----," chimed the party.
+
+"Well, gentlemen, in 18-- I came down the Ohio river, and settled at
+Losanti, now called Cincinnati. It was, at that time, but a little
+settlement of some twenty or thirty log and frame cabins, and where now
+stands the Broadway Hotel and blocks of stores and dwelling houses, was
+the cottage and corn patch of old Mr. ----, a tailor, who, by the by,
+bought that land for the making of a coat for one of the settlers. Well,
+I put up my cabin, with the aid of my neighbors, and put in a patch of
+corn and potatoes, about where the Fly Market now stands, and set about
+improving my lot, house, &c.
+
+"Occasionally, I took up my rifle, and started off with my dog down the
+river, to look up a little deer, or _bar_ meat, then very plenty along
+the river. The blasted red skins were lurking about, and hovering
+around the settlement, and every once in a while picked off some of our
+neighbors, or stole our cattle or horses. I hated the red demons, and
+made no bones of peppering the blasted sarpents whenever I got a sight
+at them. In fact, the red rascals had a dread of me, and had laid a
+great many traps to get my scalp, but I wasn't to be catch'd napping.
+No, no, gentlemen, I was too well up to 'em for that.
+
+"Well, I started off one morning, pretty early, to take a hunt, and
+travelled a long way down the river, over the bottoms and hills, but
+couldn't find no _bar_ nor deer. About four o'clock in the afternoon, I
+made tracks for the settlement again. By and by, I sees a buck just
+ahead of me, walking leisurely down the river. I slipped up, with my
+faithful old dog close in my rear, to within clever shooting distance,
+and just as the buck stuck his nose in the drink, I drew a _bead_ upon
+his top-knot and over he tumbled, and splurged and bounded awhile, when
+I came up and relieved him by cutting his wizen--"
+
+"Well, but what had that to do with an _adventure_?" said Riley.
+
+"Hold on a bit, if you please, gentlemen--by Jove it had a great deal to
+do with it. For while I was busy skinning the hind quarters of the buck,
+and stowing away the kidney-fat in my hunting shirt, I heard a noise
+like the breaking of brush under a moccasin up 'the bottom.' My dog
+heard it and started up to reconnoitre, and I lost no time in reloading
+my rifle. I had hardly got my priming out before my dog raised a howl
+and broke through the brush towards me with his tail down, as he was not
+used to doing unless there were wolves, painters (panthers) or Injins
+about.
+
+"I picked up my knife, and took up my line of march in a skulking trot
+up the river. The frequent gullies, on the lower bank, made it tedious
+travelling there, so I scrabbled up to the upper bank, which was pretty
+well covered with buckeye and sycamore and very little under-brush. One
+peep below discovered to me three as big and strapping red rascals,
+gentlemen, as you ever clapt your eyes on! Yes, there they came, not
+above six hundred yards in my rear. Shouting and yelling like hounds,
+and coming after me like all possessed."
+
+"Well," said an old woodsman sitting at the table, "you took a tree of
+course?"
+
+"Did I? No, gentlemen! I took no tree just then, but I took to my heels
+like sixty, and it was just as much as my old dog could do to keep up
+with me. I run until the whoops of my red skins grew fainter and fainter
+behind me; and clean out of wind, I ventured to look behind me, and
+there came one single red whelp, puffing and blowing, not three hundred
+yards in my rear. He had got on to a piece of bottom where the trees
+were small and scarce--now, thinks I, old fellow, I'll have you. So I
+trotted off at a pace sufficient to let my follower gain on me, and when
+he had got just about near enough, I wheeled and fired, and down I
+brought him, dead as a door nail, at a hundred and twenty yards!"
+
+"Then you skelp'd (scalped) him immediately?" said the backwoodsman.
+
+"Very clear of it, gentlemen, for by the time I got my rifle loaded,
+here came the other two red skins, shouting and whooping close on me,
+and away I broke again like a quarter horse. I was now about five miles
+from the settlement, and it was getting towards sunset; I ran till my
+wind began to be pretty short, when I took a look back and there they
+came snorting like mad buffaloes, one about two or three hundred yards
+ahead of the other, so I acted possum again until the foremost Injin got
+pretty well up, and I wheeled and fired at the very moment he was
+'drawing a _bead_' on me; he fell head over stomach into the dirt, and
+up came the last one!"
+
+"So you laid for him and--" gasped several.
+
+"No," continued the "member," "I didn't lay for him, I hadn't time to
+load, so I layed _legs_ to ground, and started again. I heard every
+bound he made after me. I ran and ran, until the fire flew out of my
+eyes, and the old dog's tongue hung out of his mouth a quarter of a yard
+long!"
+
+"Phe-e-e-e-w!" whistled somebody.
+
+"Fact! gentlemen. Well, what I was to do I didn't know--rifle empty, no
+big trees about, and a murdering red Indian not three hundred yards in
+my rear; and, what was worse, just then it occurred to me that I was not
+a great ways from a big creek, (now called Mill Creek,) and there I
+should be pinned at last.
+
+"Just at this juncture I struck my toe against a root, and down I
+tumbled, and my old dog over me. Before I could scrabble up--"
+
+"The Indian fired!" gasped the old woodsman.
+
+"He did, gentlemen, and I felt the ball strike me under the shoulder;
+but that didn't seem to put any embargo upon my locomotion, for as soon
+as I got up I took off again, quite freshened by my fall! I heard the
+red skin close behind me coming booming on, and every minute I expected
+to have his tomahawk dashed into my head or shoulders.
+
+"Something kind of cool began to trickle down my legs into my boots--"
+
+"Blood, eh? for the shot the varmint gin you," said the old woodsman, in
+a great state of excitement.
+
+"I thought so," said the Senator, "but what do you think it was?"
+
+Not being blood, we were all puzzled to know what the blazes it could
+be. When Riley observed--
+
+"I suppose you had--"
+
+"Melted the deer fat which I had stuck in the breast of my hunting
+shirt, and the grease was running down my legs until my feet got so
+greasy that my heavy boots flew off, and one hitting the dog, nearly
+knocked his brains out."
+
+We all grinned, which the "member" noticing, observed--
+
+"I hope, gentlemen, no man here will presume to think I'm exaggerating?"
+
+"O, certainly not! Go on, Mr. ----," we all chimed in.
+
+"Well, the ground under my feet was soft, and being relieved of my heavy
+boots, I put off with double quick time, and seeing the creek about half
+a mile off, I ventured to look over my shoulder to see what kind of a
+chance there was to hold up and load. The red skin was coming jogging
+along pretty well blowed out, about five hundred yards in the rear.
+Thinks I, here goes to load any how. So at it I went--in went the
+powder, and putting on my patch, down went the ball about half-way, and
+off snapped my ramrod!"
+
+"Thunder and lightning!" shouted the old woodsman, who was worked up to
+the top-notch in the "member's" story.
+
+"Good gracious! wasn't I in a pickle! There was the red whelp within two
+hundred yards of me, pacing along and _loading up his rifle as he came!_
+I jerked out the broken ramrod, dashed it away and started on, priming
+up as I cantered off, determined to turn and give the red skin a blast
+any how, as soon as I reached the creek.
+
+"I was now within a hundred yards of the creek, could see the smoke from
+the settlement chimneys; a few more jumps and I was by the creek. The
+Indian was close upon me--he gave a whoop, and I raised my rifle; on he
+came, knowing that I had broken my ramrod and my load not down; another
+whoop! whoop! and he was within fifty yards of me! I pulled trigger,
+and--"
+
+"And killed _him_?" chuckled Riley.
+
+"No, _sir!_ I missed fire!"
+
+"And the red skin--" shouted the old woodsman in a phrenzy of
+excitement--
+
+"_Fired and killed me!_"
+
+The screams and shouts that followed this finale brought landlord Noble,
+servants and hostlers, running up stairs to see if the house was on
+fire!
+
+
+
+
+Dodging the Responsibility.
+
+
+"Sir!" said Fieryfaces, the lawyer, to an _unwilling witness_, "Sir! do
+you say, upon your oath, that Blinkins is a dishonest _man_?"
+
+"I didn't say he was ever accused of being an honest man, did I?"
+replied Pipkins.
+
+"Does the court understand you to say, Mr. Pipkins, that the plaintiff's
+reputation is bad?" inquired the judge, merely putting the question to
+keep his eyes open.
+
+"I didn't say it was good, I reckon."
+
+"Sir!" said Fieryfaces, "Sir-r! upon your oath--mind, upon your oath,
+upon your oath, you say that Blinkins is a rogue, a villain and a
+thief!"
+
+"_You_ say so," was Pip's reply.
+
+"Haven't _you_ said so?"
+
+"Why, you've said it," said Pipkins, "what's the use of my repeating
+it?"
+
+"Sir-r!" thundered Fieryfaces, the Demosthenean thunderer of Thumbtown,
+"Sir-r! I charge you, upon your sworn oath, do you or do you not
+say--Blinkins stole things?"
+
+"No, _sir_," was the cautious reply of Pipkins. "I never said Blinkins
+stole things, but I _do_ say--_he's got a way of finding things that
+nobody lost!_"
+
+"Sir-r," said Fieryfaces, "you can retire," and the court adjourned.
+
+
+
+
+A Night Adventure in Prairie Land.
+
+
+"I'll take a circuit around, and come out about the lower end of your
+_mot_,"* said I to my companion. "You remain here; lie down flat, and
+I'll warrant the old doe and her fawns will be found retracing their
+steps."
+
+    [*] _Mot_ is the name given small clumps of trees or woods, found
+    scattered over the prairie land of Texas.
+
+We had started from camp about sunrise, to hunt, three of us; one, an
+old hunter, who, after marking out our course, giving us the lay of the
+land, and various admonitions as to the danger of getting too far from
+camp, looking out for "Injin signs," &c., "Old Traps," as we called him,
+took a tour southward, and left us. Myself and companion were each armed
+with rifles; his a blunt "Yeager," by the way, and mine an Ohio piece,
+carrying about one hundred and twenty balls to the pound, consequently
+very light, and not a very sure thing for a distance over one hundred
+yards. It was in the fall of the year, delightful weather: our wardrobe
+consisted of Kentucky jean trousers, boots, straw hats, two shirts, and
+jean hunting shirts--all thin, to be sure, but warm and comfortable
+enough for a day's hunt. We trudged about until noon, firing but once,
+and then at an alligator in a _bayou_, whose coat of mail laughed to
+scorn our puny bullets, and, barely flirting his horny tail in contempt,
+he slid from his perch back into the greasy and turbid stream. Seating
+ourselves upon a dead cotton-wood, we made a slight repast upon some
+cold _pone_, which, moistened with a drop of "Mon'galy," proved, I must
+needs confess, upon such occasions, viands as palatable as a Tremont
+dinner to a city gourmand. While thus quietly disposed, all of a sudden
+we heard a racket in our rear, which, though it startled us at first,
+soon apprised us that game was at hand. Dropping low, we soon saw, a few
+yards above us, the large antlers of a buck. He darted down the slight
+bluffs, followed by a doe and two well-grown fawns.
+
+As they gained the water, and but barely stuck their noses into the
+drink, we both let drive at them: but, in my rising upon my knee to fire
+at the buck, he got wind of the courtesies I was about to tender him,
+and absolutely dodged my ball. I was too close to miss him; but, as he
+"juked"--to use an old-fashioned western word--down his head the moment
+he saw fire, the bullet merely made the fur fly down his neck, and, with
+a back bound or double somerset, he scooted quicker than uncorked
+thunder.
+
+Our eyes met--we both grinned.
+
+"Well, by King," says my friend Mat, "that's shooting!"
+
+"Both missed?" says I.
+
+"Better break for camp, straight: if we should meet a greaser or
+Camanche here, they'd take our scalps, and beat us about the jaws with
+'em!"
+
+It was thought to bear the complexion of a joke, and we both laughed
+quite jocosely at it.
+
+"Now," says I, "old Sweetener," loading up my rifle, "you and I can't
+give it up so, no how." Tripping up a cup of the alligator fluid, we
+washed down our crumbs, and started. We followed the deer about two
+miles up the _bayou_; the land was low prairie bottom, ugly for walking,
+and our track was slow and tedious. But, approaching a suspicious place
+carefully and cautiously, we had another fair view of the doe and fawns,
+feeding and watching on the side of a broad prairie. The distance
+between us was quite extensive; we could not well approach within
+shooting distance without alarming them. The only alternative was for
+my friend Mat to deposit himself among the brush and stuff, and let me
+circumvent the critters; one of us would surely get a whack at them. I
+started; a slow, tedious scratch and crawl of nearly a mile got me to
+the windward of the deer. As I edged down along the high grass and
+chapperel, about a branch of the _bayou_, the old doe began to raise her
+head occasionally, and scent the air: this, as I got still nearer, she
+repeated more frequently, until, at length, she took the hint, and made
+a break down towards my friend Mat, who, sharp upon the trigger, just as
+the three deer got within fifty yards, raised and fired. 'Bout went the
+deer, making a dash for my quarters; but before getting any ways near
+me, down toppled one of the young 'uns. Mat had fixed its flint; but my
+blood was up--I was not to be fooled out of my shot in that way; and
+perceiving my only chance, at best, was to be a long shot, off hand, as
+the doe and her remaining fawn dashed by, at over eighty yards, I let
+her have the best I had; the bullet struck--the old doe jumped, by way
+of an extra, about five by thirty feet, and didn't even stop to ask
+permission at that. A sportsman undergoes no little excitement in
+peppering a few paltry pigeons, a duck or a squirrel, but when an
+amateur hunter gets his Ebenezer set on a real deer, bear, or flock of
+wild turkeys, you may safely premise it would take some capital to buy
+him off.
+
+I forgot all about time and space, Mat, "Old Traps," greasers and
+Injins--my whole capital was invested in the old _doe_, and I was after
+_her_. She was badly wounded; I thought she'd "gin eout" pretty soon,
+and I followed clear across the prairie. Time flew, and finally, feeling
+considerably fagged, and getting no further view of my deer, and being
+no longer able to trace the red drops she sprinkled along, I sat down,
+wiped the salt water from my parboiled countenance, and began to----
+think I'd gone far enough for old venison. In fact, I'd gone a little
+too far, for the sun was setting down to his home in the Pacific, the
+black shades of night began to gather around the timber, and I hurried
+out into the prairie, to get an observation. But it was no go. I had
+entirely reversed the order of things, in my mind; I had lost my
+bearings. The evening was cloudy, with a first rate prospect of a wet
+night, and neither moon nor stars were to be seen.
+
+Taking, at a hazard, the supposed back track, across the broad prairie,
+upon which flourished a stiff, tall grass, I plodded along, quite
+chilly, and my thin garments, wet from perspiration, were cold as cakes
+of ice to my flesh. I began to feel mad, swore some, hoped I was on the
+right track back to Mat and his deer, but felt satisfied there was some
+doubt about that. Mat had the flint and steel for raising a fire, and
+the _meat_ and what bread was left at our last repast. Night came right
+down in the midst of my cares and tribulations. A slight drizzling rain
+began to fall. The stillness of a prairie is a damper to the best of
+spirits--the entire suspension of all noises and sounds, not even the
+tick of an insect to break the black, dull, dark monotony, is a wet
+blanket to cheerfulness. I really think the stillness of a large prairie
+is one of the most painful sensations of loneliness, a man ever
+encountered. The sombre and dreary monotony of a dungeon, is scarcely a
+comparison; in fact, language fails to describe the essentially
+double-distilled monotony of these great American grass-patches--you
+can't call them deserts, for at times they represent interminable
+flower-gardens, of the most elegant and voluptuous description.
+
+Oh, how home and its comforts floated in my mind's eye; how I
+envied--not for the first time either--the unthankful inmates of even a
+second-rate boarding-house! A negro cabin, a shed, dog kennel, and a hoe
+cake, had charms, in my thoughts, just then, enough to exalt them into
+fit themes for the poets and painters. Having trudged along, at least
+three miles, in one direction, I struck a large _mot_, that jutted out
+into the prairie. Here I concluded it was best to hang up for the night.
+I was soaking wet--hungry and wolfish enough. My utter desperation
+induced me to work for an hour with some percussion caps, powder, and a
+piece of greased tow linen, to get a blaze of fire, Ingins or no Ingins.
+I began to wish I was a Camanche myself, or that the red devils would
+surround me, give me one bite and a drink, and I'd die happy. All of a
+sudden, I got sight of a blaze! Yes, a real fire loomed up in the
+distance! It was Mat and his deer, in luck, doing well, while I was cold
+as Caucasus, and hollow as a flute. I riz, stretched my stiff limbs, and
+struck a bee line for the light. After wading, stumbling, and tramping,
+until my weary legs would bear me no longer, I had the mortification to
+see the fire at as great a distance as when I first started. This about
+knocked me. I concluded to give up right in my tracks, and let myself be
+wet down into _papier mache_ by the descending elements. Blessed was he
+that invented sleep, says Sancho Panza, but he was a better workman that
+invented _spunk_. All of a sudden I plucked up my spunk, and by a sort
+of martial command, ordered my limbs to duty, and marched straight for
+the fire in the weary distance. A steady and toilsome perseverance over
+brake and bush, mud, ravine, grass and water, at length brought me near
+the fire. And then, suspicion arose, if I fell upon a Mexican or Indian
+camp, the evils and perils of the night would turn up in the morning
+with a human barbecue, and these impressions were nearly sufficient
+inducement for me to go no further. It might be my friend Mat's fire,
+and it might not be: it wasn't very likely he would dare to raise a
+fire, and the more I debated, the worse complexion things bore.
+Involuntarily, however, I edged on up towards the fire, which was going
+down apparently. Coming to a _bayou_, I reconnoitered some time. All was
+quiet, save the pattering of the rain in the grass, and on the
+scattering lofty trees. I stood still and absorbed, watching the dying
+fire, for an hour or two. I was within half a mile of it; the intense
+darkness that usually precedes day had passed, and a murky, rainy
+morning was dawning. Cheerless, fatigued, and hungry beyond all mental
+supervision or fear, I marched point blank up to the fire, and there
+lay--not a tribe of Mexicans or Camanches, but my comrade Mat, fast
+asleep, under the lee of a huge dead and fallen cotton-wood, alongside
+of the fire, warm, dry, and comfortable as a bug in a rug!
+
+I gave one shout, that would have riz the scalp lock of any red skin
+within ten miles, and Mat started upon his feet and snatched his
+"Yeager" from under the log quicker than death.
+
+"Ho-o-o-ld yer hoss, stranger," I yelled, "I'm only going to eat ye!"
+
+Mat and I fraternized, quick and strong. A piece of his fawn was jerked
+and roasted in a giffy. After gormandizing about five pounds, and
+getting a few whiffs at Mat's old stone pipe, I took his nest under the
+log, and slept a few hours sound as a pig of lead.
+
+Waked up, prime--stowed away a few more pounds of the fawn, and then we
+started for camp. Living and faring in this manner, for from three to
+twelve months, may give you some idea of the training the heroes of San
+Jacinto had.
+
+
+
+
+Roosting Out.
+
+
+In 1837, after the capture of Santa Anna, by General Samuel Houston and
+his little Spartan band, which event settled the war, and something like
+tranquillity being restored to Texas, several of us adventurers formed a
+small hunting party, and took to the woods, in a circuitous tour up and
+across the Sabine, and so into the United States, homeward bound.
+
+There were seven men, two black boys, belonging to Dr. Clenen, one of
+our "voyageurs," and eleven horses and mules, in the party; and with a
+tolerable fair camp equipage, plenty of ammunition, one or two "old
+campaigners" and three monstrous clever dogs, it was naturally supposed
+we should have a pleasant time. The first five days were cold, being
+early Spring, wet, and not _very_ interesting; but as all of the party
+had seen some service, and not expecting the comforts and delicacies of
+civilization, they were all the better prepared to take things as they
+came, and by the smooth handle. The idea was to travel slow, and reach
+Jonesboro' or Red River, or keep on the Arkansas, and strike near Fort
+Smith, in twenty or thirty days. We left Houston in the morning, passed
+Montgomery, and kept on W. by N. between the Rio Brasos and Trinity
+River, the first five days, then stood off north for the head of the
+Sabine.
+
+Game was very sparse, and rather shy, but falling in with some wild
+turkeys, and a bee tree, we laid by two days and lived like fighting
+cocks. The turkeys were picked off the tall trees, as they roosted after
+night, by rifle shots, and no game I ever fed on can exceed the rich
+flavor of a well-roasted, fat wild turkey. The bee tree was a
+crowder--a large, hollow cyprus, about sixty feet high, straight as a
+barber pole, and nearly seven feet in diameter at the base, and full
+three feet through at the first branch, forty feet up. This must have
+been the hive of many and many a swarm, for years past; the tree was cut
+down, and contained from one to three hundred gallons of honey and comb!
+Nor are such bee trees scarce about the head of the Sabine, Red River,
+&c. Bears are very fond of honey. The weather then being much improved,
+it was suggested that the camp should be moved a few miles off, and
+leave the bee tree and its great surplus contents, to the bears; and if
+they did come about, we should come back and have a few pops at them.
+The plan was feasible, and all agreed; so, removing a few gallons of the
+translucent delicacy, the camp was struck, and, following an old trail a
+few miles, we found a delightful site for recamping under some large
+oaks on a creek, a tributary of the Sabine river.
+
+Some of the "boys," as each styled the others, during the day had found
+"a deer lick," about three miles above the camp, and to vary the
+_viands_ a little, it was proposed that three of the boys should go up
+after dark, lay about, and see if a shot could be had at some of the
+visitors of "the lick."
+
+One of the old heads, and by-the-way we called him "old traps," from the
+fact of his always being so ready to explain the manner and uses of all
+sorts of traps, and the inexhaustible adventures he had with them in the
+course of twenty years' experience in the far west.
+
+Well, "old traps," Dr. C., and myself, were the deputed committee, that
+night, to attend to the cases of the deer. Soon after dark we put out,
+and in the course of a couple of hours, after some floundering in a
+muddy "bottom" and through hazel brush, or chaparral, the "lick" was
+found, and positions taken for raking the victims. "Old traps" took a
+lodge in a clump of bushes. Dr. C. and I squatted on a dead tree, with a
+few bushes around it, and in a particularly dark spot, from the fact of
+some very heavy timber with wide-spreading tops standing around and
+nearly over us.
+
+The ability of keeping still in a disagreeable situation, for a long
+time, is most desirable and necessary in the character of a
+hunter;--some men have a faculty for holding a fishing-rod hours at a
+time over a fishless tide, with wondrous ardor; and I have known men to
+watch deer, bear, and other game, in one position, for ten or twenty
+hours. Sauntering up and down in the dark, with wind and rain, and a
+musket in your arms for company, is not pleasant pastime; but my
+patience revolted at the idea of squatting on the wet log, all cramped
+up, three or four hours, and no deer making their appearance; Doctor and
+I made up our minds to arouse "old traps," and patter back to the camp.
+Just as the resolution was about to be put in action, two deer, fine
+antlered customers, made their appearance about three hundred yards from
+us, out on a small plain, where their sprightly forms could just be made
+out as they leisurely stepped along. Getting near "old traps," he soon
+convinced us that _his_ eye was still open, although we had concluded he
+was fast asleep. The sharp, whip-like crack of "old traps'" rifle
+brought down one of the deer, and the other, in bounds of thirty or
+forty feet at a spring, whisked nearly over us, and the Doctor and I
+fired at the flying deer as he came; neither shot took effect, and off
+he sped.
+
+"Hurrah! for the old boy!" shouted the Doctor, as we all bustled up to
+where the deer lay kicking and plunging in his death throes. "By Jove,
+'traps,' you've put a ball clean through his head!"
+
+"Yes, sir," said traps; "I ollers fix game that way, myself."
+
+"Except when you fix them with the traps, eh?" said I.
+
+"'Zactly," said traps. "But now, boys," he continued loading up his
+rifle, "now let's snatch off the creature's hide, quarter it, and travel
+back to the camp, for we ain't gwoine to have any more deer to-night."
+
+This was soon accomplished. Trap seized the hind quarters and hide, and
+travelled; Doctor and I brought up the rear with the rest of the meat
+and fat.
+
+To avoid the muddy "bottom," in going back, we concluded to take a
+little round-about way, and relieved one another by taking "spells" at
+carrying the rifles and the meat. We jogged along, chatting away, for
+some time, when it occurred to us that we were getting very near the
+camp, or ought to be, for we had walked long and fast enough.
+
+Doctor was trudging on ahead with the meat; I was behind some twenty
+yards with both rifles; we were passing through some thin timber which
+skirted a little prairie, out on which we could see quite distinctly;
+Doctor made a sudden halt--
+
+"Hollo! by Jove, what's that?"
+
+"What? eh? where?" said I, bustling up to the Doctor, who made free to
+drop the meat, wheeled about, snatched his rifle out of my fists and
+_broke!_
+
+"A grizzly bear coming, by thunder!"
+
+Upon that _hint_ there were two gentlemen seen hurrying themselves
+_somewhat_, I reckon, on the back track. Doctor was what you might call
+a fast trotter, but when he broke into a full gallop the odds against me
+were dreadful! I was fairly distanced, and when perfectly blowed out
+stopped to pull the briars out of my torn trowsers, scratched face and
+dishevelled locks, listen to the enemy, and ascertain where the Doctor
+had got to. No sound broke the reigning stillness, save the sonorous
+"coo-hoot" of an owl. My rifle was empty, and a search satisfied me that
+my caps were not to be found. My own cap had also disappeared in the
+fright, and I was in a bad way for defence, and completely at a dead
+loss as to the bearings of the camp.
+
+"Well," thinks I, "it's no particular use crying over spilt milk--it's
+no use to move when there is no idea existing of bettering one's self,
+so here I'll _roost_ until daylight, unless Doctor comes back to hunt me
+up!" I judged it was not far from 2 o'clock, A. M., and believed it
+possible that our venison might only whet a grizzly bear's appetite to
+follow up the pursuit and gormandize me!--A proper site for a _roost_
+was the next matter of importance, and a scrubby oak with a thick top,
+close by, offered an inviting elevation to lodge.
+
+A long, long time seemed the coming day; and the sharp air of its
+approach, and heavy dew, made "perching" in a crotch very fatiguing
+"pastime."
+
+When light began to dawn, sliding down I took an observation that
+convinced me, according to Indian signs, that Doctor and I had gone
+South too far to hit the camp, and, to the best of my reckoning, the old
+bee tree was not far out of my way, and that I now struck for.
+
+About noon, and a lovely day it was, I discovered the bee tree, made a
+dinner on honey, which was scattered about considerably, giving evidence
+of its having been visited by our rugged Russian friends.
+
+And now, feeling anxious to see human faces, and not linger about a spot
+where troublesome customers might abound, I made tracks for the camp,
+which was reached about sundown, and where I found, to my regret, the
+Doctor had not come in yet.
+
+"Old Traps" had returned all safe enough, and had been prophesying "the
+boys" were lost, and would not soon be found again. However, the old
+fellow put away his deer skin, which he had been cleaning, &c., to give
+me a feed of the deer, a few remnants yet remaining, and from my
+exercise and fasting, never was a rude meal more luxurious. Two of the
+party, with one of the black boys, and a mule, had been out since noon
+in quest of us, and about midnight they returned with the Doctor, who
+congratulated me on what he had estimated as an escape. So did I. We all
+concluded _it was a_ DEER _hunt!_ Though we "had a time" at the bee
+tree, next night, that made us about square.
+
+
+
+
+Rather Twangy.
+
+
+Three Irishmen, green as the Isle that per-duced 'em, but full of sin,
+and fond of the crater, broke into a country store down in Maine, one
+night last week, and after striking a light, they _lit_ upon a large
+demijohn, having the suspicious look of a whiskey holder. One held the
+light, while another held up the _demi_ to his mouth, and took a small
+taster.
+
+"Arrah, what a twang! An' it's what they call Shemaky, I'm thinkin'!"
+says the fellow, screwing his face into all manner of puckers.
+
+"It's the very stuff, thin, for me, so hould the light, and I'll take a
+swig at 'im," says Paddy number two. "_Agh!_" says he, putting down the
+demijohn in haste, "it's rale bhrandy--_agh-h!_"
+
+"Branthy? Thin it's meself as'll have a wee bit uv a swig at 'em," and
+Paddy number three took hold, and down he rushed a good slew of it!
+
+"Murther and turf! It's every divil ov us are pizened--o-o-och!
+Murther-r-r!" and he raised such a hullaballoo, that the neighbors were
+awakened. They came rushing in, and arrested Paddy number three. The
+others fled, with their bellies full of washing fluid! The poor fellow
+had drank nearly a pint; being possessed with a gutta percha stomach, he
+stood the infliction without kicking the bucket, but he was bleached, in
+two days--white as a bolt of cotton cloth!
+
+
+
+
+Passing Around the Fodder!
+
+A DINNER SKETCH.
+
+
+A few weeks ago, during a passage from Gotham to Boston, on the "_Empire
+State_," one of the most elegant and swift steamers that ever man's
+ingenuity put upon the waters, I met a well-known joker from the Quaker
+city, on his first trip "down East." After mutually examining and
+eulogising the external appearance and internal arrangements of the
+"Empire," winding up our investigation, of course, with a _look_ into a
+small corner cupboard in the barber's office, where a superb _smile_--as
+_is_ a smile--can be usually enjoyed by the _nobbish_ investment of a
+York shilling; soon after passing through "Hell Gate"--gliding by the
+beautiful villas, chateaux, and almost princely palaces of the business
+men of the great city of New York, we were soon out upon the broad, deep
+Sound, a glorious place for steam-boating. Soon after, the bells
+announced "supper ready"--a general stampede into the spacious cabin
+took place, and though the tables strung along forty rods on each side
+of the great cabin, not over half the crowd got seats upon this
+interesting occasion. I was _about_ with my friend--in _time_, stuck our
+legs under the mahogany, and gazed upon the open prospect for a supper
+superb enough in all its details to tempt a jolly old friar from his
+devotions. We got along very nicely. An old chap who sat above us some
+seats, and whose rotund developments gave any ordinary observer reason
+to suppose his appetite as unquenchable as the Maelstrom, kept reaching
+about, and when tempting vessels were too remote, he'd bawl "right eout"
+for them.
+
+"Halloo! I say you, Mister there, just hand along that saas; give us a
+chance, will ye, at that; notion on't, what d'ye call that stuff?"
+
+"This?" says one, passing along a dish.
+
+"Pshaw, no, t'other there."
+
+"Oh! ah! yes, _this_," says my facetious friend.
+
+"Well, that ain't it, but no odds; fetch it along!" and down we sent the
+biggest dish of meat in our neighborhood.
+
+"Now," says I, "my boy, I'll show you a 'dodge.' We'll see how it
+works."
+
+Filling a plate full to the brim, with all and each of the various
+_heavy_ courses in our vicinity, I very politely passed it over to my
+next neighbor with--
+
+"Please to pass that up, sir?"
+
+"Umph, eh?" says the gentleman, taking hold of the plate very gingerly;
+"pass it _up_?"
+
+"Aye, yes, if you please," says I.
+
+By this time he had fairly got the loaded plate in his fists, and began
+to look about him where to pass the plate _to_. Nobody in particular
+seemed on the watch for a _spare_ plate. The gent looked back at me, but
+I was "cutting away" and watching from the extreme corner of my left eye
+the victim and his charge, while I pressed hard upon the corn pile of my
+friend's foot under the table.
+
+At length, the victim thought he saw some one up the table waiting for
+the plate, and quickly he whispered to his next neighbor--
+
+"Please, sir, to-to-a, _just pass this plate up!_"
+
+The man took the plate, and being more of a practical operator than his
+neighbor, gave the plate over to _his_ next neighbor, with--
+
+"Pass this plate up to that gentleman, if you please," dodging his head
+towards an old gent in specs, who sat near the head of the table,
+grinning a ghastly smile over the field of good things.
+
+"It's _going!_"
+
+"_What?_" says my friend.
+
+"The plate; it's going the rounds; just you keep quiet, you'll see a
+good thing."
+
+The plate, at length, got to the head of the table. It was given to the
+old gentleman in specs; he looked over the top of his specs very
+deliberately at the "fodder," then back at the thin, pale,
+student-looking youth who handed it to him, then up and down the table.
+A raw-boned, gaunt and hollow-looking disciple caught the eye of the old
+gent; he must be the man who wanted the "load." His lips quacked as if
+in the act of--"pass this plate, sir,"--to his next neighbor; he was too
+far off for us to _hear_ his discourse. Well, the plate came booming
+along down the opposite side; the tall man declined it and gave it over
+to his next neighbor, who seemed a little tempted to take hold of the
+invoice, but just then it occurred to him, probably, that he was keeping
+_somebody_ (!) out of his grub, so he quickly turned to his neighbor and
+passed the plate. One or two more moves brought the plate within our
+range, and there it liked to have _stuck_, for a fussy old Englishman,
+in whom politeness did not stick out very prominently, grunted--
+
+"I don't want it, sir."
+
+"Well, but, sir, please _pass it_," says the last victim, beseechingly
+holding out the plate.
+
+"Pass it? Here, mister, 's your plate," says Bull, at length reluctantly
+seizing on the plate, and rushing it on to his next neighbor, who
+started--
+
+"Not mine, sir."
+
+"Not yours! Who does it belong to? Pass it down to somebody."
+
+Off went the plate again. Several ladies turned up their pretty eyes and
+noses while the gents _passed it_ by them.
+
+"Why, if there ain't that plate a going the rounds, that you gave me!"
+says my next neighbor, to whom I had first given the "currency."
+
+"That plate? Oh, yes, so it is; well," says I, with feigned
+astonishment, "this is the first time I ever saw a good supper so
+universally discarded!"
+
+The plate was off again. It reached the foot of the table. An elderly
+lady looked up, looked around, removed a large sweet potato from the
+pile--then passed it along. An old salty-looking captain, just then took
+a vacant seat, and the plate reached him just in the nick of time. He
+looked voracious--
+
+"Ah," said he, with a savage growl, "that's your sort; thunder and
+oakum, I'm as peckish as a shark, and here's the _duff for me!_"
+
+That ended the peregrinations of the plate, and I and my friend--_yelled
+right out!_
+
+
+
+
+A Hint to Soyer.
+
+
+Magrundy says, in his work on _Grub_, that a Frenchman will "frigazee" a
+pair of old boots and make a respectable soup out of an ancient chapeau;
+but our friend Perriwinkle affirms that the French ain't "nowhere,"
+after a feat he saw in the kitchen arrangement of a "cheap boarding
+house" in the North End:--the landlady made a chowder out of an old
+broom mixed with sinders, and after all the boarders had dined upon it
+scrumptiously, the remains made broth for the whole family, next day,
+besides plenty of fragments left for a poor family! That landlady is
+bound--_to make Rome howl!_
+
+
+
+
+The Leg of Mutton.
+
+
+I'm going to state to you the remarkable adventures of a very remarkable
+man, who went to market to get a leg of mutton for his Sunday dinner. I
+have heard, or read somewhere or other, almost similar stories; whether
+they were real or imaginary, I am unable to say; but I can vouch for the
+authenticity of my story, for I know the hero well.
+
+In the year 1812, it will be recollected that we had some military
+disputes with England, which elicited some pretty tall fights by land
+and sea, and the land we live in was considerably excited upon the
+subject, and patriotism rose to many degrees above blood heat.
+Philadelphia, about that time, like all other cities, I suppose, was the
+scene of drum-beating, marching and counter-marching, and volunteering
+of the patriotic people.
+
+The President sent forth his proclamations, the governors of the
+respective States reiterated them, and a large portion of our brave
+republicans were soon in or marching to the battle field. There lived
+and wrought at his trade, carpentering, in the city of Philadelphia,
+about that time, a very tall, slim man, named Houp; Peter Houp, that was
+his name. He was a very steady, upright, and honest man, married, had a
+small, comfortable family, and to all intents and purposes, settled down
+for life. How deceptive, how unstable, how uncertain is man, to say
+nothing of the more frail portion of the creation--woman! Peter Houp one
+fair morning took his basket on his arm, and off he went to get a leg of
+mutton and trimmings for his next Sunday's dinner. Beyond the object of
+research, Peter never dreamed of extending his travels for that day,
+certain. A leg of mutton is not an indifferent article, well cooked, a
+matter somewhat different to amateur cooks; and as good legs of mutton
+as can be found on this side of the big pond, can be found almost any
+Saturday morning in the Pennsylvania market wagons, which congregate
+along Second street, for a mile or two in a string. Peter could have
+secured his leg and brought it home in an hour or two at most.
+
+But hours passed, noon came, and night followed it, and in the course of
+time, the morrow, the joyous Sunday, for which the _leg of mutton_ was
+to be brought and prepared, and offered up, a sacrifice to the household
+gods and grateful appetites, came, but neither the leg of mutton, nor
+the man Peter, husband and father Houp, darkened the doors of the
+carpenter's humble domicil, that day, the next or the next! I cannot, of
+course, realize half the agony or tortures of suspense that must have
+preyed upon that wife's heart and brain, that must have haunted her
+feverish dreams at night, and her aching mind by day. When grim death
+strikes a blow, whenever so near and dear a friend is levelled, cold,
+breathless, dead--we see, we know there is the end! Grief has its
+season, the bitterest of woe then calms, subsides, or ceases; but
+_lost_--which hope prevents mourning as dead, and whose death-like
+absence almost precludes the idea that they live, engenders in the soul
+of true affection, a gloomy, torturing and desponding sorrow, more
+agonizing than the sting actual death leaves behind. I have endeavored
+to depict what must have been, what were the feelings of Peter Houp's
+wife. She mourned and grieved, and still hoped on, though months and
+years passed away without imparting the slightest clue to the
+unfortunate fate of her husband. Her three children, two boys and a
+girl, grew up; ten, eleven, twelve years passed away, with no tidings of
+the lost man having reached his family; but they still lived with a kind
+of despairing hope that the husband and father would yet _come home_,
+and so he did.
+
+Let us see what became of Peter Houp, the carpenter. As he strolled
+along with his basket under his arm, on the eventful morning he sought
+the leg of mutton, he met a platoon of men dressed up in uniform,
+muskets on their shoulders, colors flying, drums beating, and a mob of
+hurrahers following and shouting for the volunteers. Yes, it was a
+company of volunteers, just about shipping off for the South, to join
+the "Old Zack" of that day, General Jackson. Peter Houp saw in the ranks
+of the volunteers several of his old _chums_; he spoke to them, walked
+along with the men of Mars, got inspired--patriotic--_drunk_. Two days
+after that eventful Saturday, on which the quiet, honest, and
+industrious carpenter left his wife and children full of hope and
+happiness, he found himself in blue breeches, roundabout, and black cap,
+on board a brig--bound for New Orleans. A volunteer for the war! It was
+too late to repent then; the brig was ploughing her way through the
+foaming billows, and in a few weeks she arrived at Mobile, as she could
+not reach New Orleans, the British under General Packenham being off the
+Balize. So the volunteers were landed at Mobile, and hurried on over
+land to the devoted (or was to be) Crescent city. Peter Houp was not
+only a good man, liable as all men are to make a false step once in
+life, but a brave one. Having gone so far, and made a step so hard to
+retrace, Peter's cool reason got bothered; he poured the spirits down to
+keep his spirits up, as the saying goes, and abandoned himself to fate.
+Caring neither for life nor death, he was found behind the cotton bags,
+which he had assisted in getting down from the city to the battle
+ground, piled up, and now ready to defend his country while life lasted.
+Peter fought well, being a man not unlike the brave Old Hickory himself,
+tall, firm, and resolute-looking. He attracted General Jackson's
+attention during the battle, and afterwards was personally complimented
+for his skill and courage by the victorious Commander-in-chief. Every
+body knows the history of the battle of New Orleans--I need not relate
+it. After the victory, the soldiers were allowed considerable license,
+and they made New Orleans a scene of revel and dissipation, as all
+cities are likely to represent when near a victorious army. Peter Houp
+was on a "regular bender," a "big tare," a long spree--and for one so
+unlike any thing of the kind, he went it with a _perfect looseness_.
+
+A rich citizen's house was robbed--burglariously entered and robbed; and
+Peter Houp, the staid, plain Philadelphia carpenter, who would not have
+bartered his reputation for all the ingots of the Incas, while in his
+sober senses, was arrested as one of the burglars, and the imputation,
+false or true, caused him to spend seven years in a penitentiary. O,
+what an awful probation of sorrow and mental agony were those seven long
+years! But they passed over, and Peter Houp was again free, not a worse
+man, fortunately, but a much wiser one! He had not seen or heard a word
+of those so long dearly cherished, and cruelly deserted--his family--for
+eight years, and his heart yearned towards them so strongly that,
+pennyless, pale and care-worn as he was, he would have started
+immediately for home, but being a good carpenter, and wages high, he
+concluded to go to work, while he patiently awaited a reply of his
+abandoned family to his long and penitent written letter. Weeks, months,
+and a year passed, and no reply came, though another letter was
+dispatched, for fear of the miscarriage of the first; (and both letters
+did miscarry, as the wife never received them.) Peter gave himself up as
+a lost man, his family lost or scattered, and nothing but death could
+end his detailed wretchedness. But still, as fortune would have it, he
+never again sought refuge from his sorrows in the poisoned chalice, the
+rum glass; not he. Peter toiled, saved his money, and at the end of four
+years found himself in the possession of a snug little sum of hard
+cash, and a fully established good name. But all of this time he had
+heard not a syllable of his home; and all of a sudden, one fine day in
+early spring, he took passage in a ship, arrived in Philadelphia; and in
+a few rods from the wharf, upon which he landed, he met an old neighbor.
+The astonishment of the latter seemed wondrous; he burst out--
+
+"My God! is this Peter Houp, come from his grave?"
+
+"No," said Peter, in his slow, dry way, "I'm from New Orleans."
+
+Peter soon learned that his wife and children yet lived in the same
+place, and long mourned him as forever gone. Peter Houp felt any thing
+but merry, but he was determined to have his joke and a merry meeting.
+In an hour or two Peter Houp, the long lost wanderer, stood in his own
+door.
+
+"Well, Nancy, _here is thy leg of mutton!_" and a fine one too he had.
+
+The most excellent woman was alone. She was of Quaker origin; sober and
+stoical as her husband, she regarded him wistfully as he stood in the
+door, for a long time; at last she spoke--
+
+"Well, Peter, thee's been gone a _long time for it_."
+
+The next moment found them locked in each other's arms; overtasked
+nature could stand no more, and they both cried like children.
+
+The carpenter has once held offices of public trust, and lives yet, I
+believe, an old and highly respected citizen of "Brotherly Love."
+
+
+
+
+A Chapter on Misers.
+
+
+We all love, worship and adore that everlasting deity--_money_. The poor
+feel its want, the rich know its power. Virtue falls before its
+corrupting and seductive influence. Honor is tainted by it. Pride, pomp
+and power, are but the creatures of money, and which corrupt hearts and
+enslaved souls wield to the great annoyance--yea, curse of mankind in
+general.
+
+It is well, that, though we are all fond of money, not over one in a
+thousand, prove miserable misers, and go on to amass dollar upon dollar,
+until the shining heaps of garnered gold and silver become a god, and a
+faith, that the rich wretch worships with the tenacious devotion of the
+most frenzied fanatic. In the accumulation of a competency, against the
+odds and chances of advanced life, a man may be pardoned for a degree of
+economical prudence; but for parsimonious meanness, there is certainly
+no excuse. I have heard my father speak of an old miserly fellow, who
+owned a great many blocks of buildings in Philadelphia, as well as many
+excellent farms around there, and who, though rich as a Jew (worth
+$200,000), was so despicably and scandalously mean, as to go through the
+markets and beg bones of the butchers, to make himself and family soup
+for their dinners! He resorted to a score of similar humiliating
+"dodges," whereby to prolong his miserable existence, and add dime and
+dollar to his already bursting coffers.
+
+At length, Death knocked at his door. The debt was one the poor wretch
+would fain have gotten a little more time on, but the Court of Death
+brooks no delay--there is no cunning devise of learned counsel, no writs
+of error, by which even a miserable miser, or voluptuous millionaire,
+can gain a moment's delay when death issues his summons. The miser was
+called for, and he knew his time had come. He sent for the undertaker,
+he bargained for his burial--
+
+"They say I'm rich! it's a lie, sir--I'm poor, miserably poor. I want
+but three carriages. My children may want a dozen--I say but _three_;
+put that down. A very plain coffin; pine, stained will do, and no
+ornaments, hark ye. A cheap grave. I would be buried on one of my farms,
+but then the coach-drivers would charge so much to carry me out! Now,
+what will you ask for the job?"
+
+"About thirty dollars, sir," said the almost horrified undertaker.
+
+"Thirty dollars! why, do you want to rob me? Say fifteen dollars--give
+me a receipt--_and I'll pay you the cash down!_"
+
+Poor wretch! by the time he had uttered this, his soul had flown to its
+resting-place in another world.
+
+In the upper part of Boston, on what is called "the Neck," there lived,
+some years ago, a wealthy old man, who resorted to sundry curious
+methods to live without cost to himself. His house--one of the
+handsomest mansions in the "South End," in its day--stood near the road
+over which the gardeners, in times past, used to go to market, with
+their loads of vegetables, two days of each week. Old Gripes would be up
+before day, and on the lookout for these wagons.
+
+"Halloo! what have you got there?" says the miser to the countryman.
+
+"Well, daddy, a little of all sorts; potatoes, cabbages, turnips,
+parsnips, and so on. Won't you look at 'em?"
+
+At this, the old miser would begin to fumble over the vegetables, pocket
+a potato, an onion, turnip, or--
+
+"Ah, yes, they are good enough, but we poor creatures can't afford to
+pay such prices as you ask; no, no--we must wait until they come down."
+The old miser would sneak into the house with his stolen vegetables, and
+the farmer would drive on. Then back would come the miser, and lay in
+ambush for another load, and thus, in course of a few hours, he would
+raise enough vegetables to give his household a dinner. Another "dodge"
+of this artful old dodger, was to take all the coppers he got (and, of
+course, a poor creature like him handled a great many), and then go
+abroad among the stores and trade off six for a fourpence, and when he
+had four fourpences, get a quarter of a dollar for them, and thus in
+getting a dollar, he made four per cent., by several hours' disgusting
+meanness and labor.
+
+But one day the old miser ran foul of a snag. A market-man had watched
+him for some time purloining his vegetables, and on the first of the
+year, sent in a bill of several dollars, for turnips, potatoes,
+parsnips, &c. The old miser, of course, refused to pay the bill, denying
+ever having had "the goods." But the countryman called, in _propria
+persona_, refreshed his memory, and added, that, if the bill was not
+footed on sight, he should prosecute him for _stealing!_ This made the
+old miser shake in his boots. He blustered for awhile; then reasoned the
+case; then plead poverty. But the purveyor in vegetables was not the man
+to be cabbaged in that way, and the old miser called him into his
+sitting-room, and ordered his son, a wild young scamp, to go up stairs
+and see if he could find five dollars in any of the drawers or boxes up
+there. The young man finally called out--
+
+"Dad, which bag shall I take it out of, _the gold or silver_?"
+
+"Odd zounds!" bawled the old man--"the boy wants to let on I've got bags
+of gold and silver!"
+
+And so he had, many thousands of dollars in good gold and silver; he
+hobbled up stairs, got nine half dollars, and tried to get off fifty
+cents less than the countryman's bill; but the countryman was stubborn
+as a mule, and would not abate a farthing--so the old miser had to
+hobble up stairs and fetch down his fifty cents more, and the whole
+operation was like squeezing bear's grease from a pig's tail, or jerking
+out eye-teeth.
+
+The miser never waylaid the market-men again; and not long after this,
+he got a spurious dollar put upon him in one of his "exchanging"
+operations, and that wound up his penny shaving.
+
+Time passed--Death called upon the wretched man of ingots and money
+bags,--but while power remained to forbid it, the old miser refused to
+have a physician. When, to all appearance, his senses were gone, his
+friends drew the miser's pantaloons from under his pillow, where he had
+always insisted on their remaining during his sleeping hours, and his
+last illness--but as one of the attendants slowly removed the garment,
+the poor old man, with a convulsive effort--a galvanic-like grab--threw
+out his bony, cold hand, and seized his old pantaloons!
+
+The miser clutched them with a dying grasp; words struggled in his
+throat; he could not utter them; his jaw fell--he was dead!
+
+Much curiosity was manifested by the friends and relatives to know what
+could have caused the poor old man to cling to his time-worn pantaloons;
+but the mystery was soon revealed--for upon examination of the linings
+of the waistbands and watch-fob, over $30,000 in bank notes were there
+concealed!
+
+The Lord's pardon and human sympathy be with all such misguided and
+wretched slaves of--money, say we.
+
+
+
+
+Dog Day.
+
+
+I used to like dogs--a puppy love that I got bravely over, since once
+upon a time, when a Dutch _bottier_, in the city of Charleston, S. C.,
+put an end to my poor _Sue_,--the prettiest and most devoted female bull
+terrier specimen of the canine race you ever did see, I guess. My _Sue_
+got into the wrong pew, one morning; the crout-eating cordwainer and she
+had a dispute--he, the bullet-headed ball of wax, ups with his revolver,
+and--I was dogless! I don't think dogs a very profitable investment, and
+every man weak enough to keep a dog in a city, ought to pay for the
+luxury handsomely--to the city authorities. Some people have a great
+weakness for dogs. Some fancy gentlemen seem to think it the very apex
+of highcockalorumdom to have the skeleton of a greyhound and highly
+polished collar--following them through crowded thorough-fares. Some
+young ladies, especially those of doubtful ages, delight in caressing
+lumps of white, cotton-looking dumpy dogs and toting them around, to the
+disgust of the lookers-on--with all the fondness and blind infatuation
+of a mamma with her first born, bran new baby. Wherever you see any
+quantity of white and black _loafers_--Philadelphia, for instance,
+you'll see rafts of ugly and wretched looking curs. Boz says poverty and
+oysters have a great affinity; in this country, for oysters read _dogs_.
+Who has not, that ever travelled over this remarkable country, had
+occasion to be down on dogs? Who that has ever lain awake, for hours at
+a stretch, listening to a blasted cur, not worth to any body the powder
+that would blow him up--but has felt a desire to advocate the dog-law,
+so judiciously practised in all well-regulated cities? Who that ever
+had a sneaking villanous cur slip up behind and _nip_ out a patch of
+your trowsers, boot top and calf--the size of an oyster, but has felt
+for the pistol, knife or club, and sworn eternal enmity to the whole
+canine race? Who that ever had a big dog jump upon your Russia-ducks and
+patent leathers--just as he had come out of a mud-puddle, but has nearly
+forfeited his title to Christianity, by cursing aloud in his grief--like
+a trooper? Well, I have, for one of a thousand.
+
+The fact of the business is, with precious few exceptions, dogs are a
+nuisance, whatever Col. Bill Porter of the "Spirit," and his thousand
+and one dog-fancying and inquiring friends, may think to the contrary;
+and the man that will invest fifty real dollars in a dog-skin, has got a
+tender place in his head, not healed up as it ought to be.
+
+While "putting up," t'other day, at the Irving House, New York, I heard
+a good dog story that will bear repeating, I think. A sporting gent from
+the country, stopping at the Irving, wanted a dog, a good dog, not
+particular whether it was a spaniel, hound, pointer, English terrier or
+Butcher's bull. So a friend advised him to put an advertisement in the
+Sun and Spirit of the Times, which he did, requesting the "fancy" to
+bring along the right sort of dog to the Irving House, room number --.
+
+The advertisement appeared simultaneously in the two papers on Saturday.
+There were but few calls that day; but on Monday, the "Spirit" having
+been freely imbibed by its numerous readers over Sunday, the dog men
+were awake, and then began the scene. The occupant of room number --had
+scarcely got up, before a servant appeared with a man and a dog.
+
+"Believe, sir, you advertised for a dog?" quoth he with the animal.
+
+"Yes," was the response of the country fancy man, who, by the way, it
+must be premised, was rather green as to the quality and prices of fancy
+dogs.
+
+"What kind of a dog do you call that?" he added.
+
+"A greyhound, full blooded, sir."
+
+"Full blooded?" says the country sportsman. "Well, he don't look as
+though he had much blood in him. He'd look better, wouldn't he, mister,
+if he was full bellied--looks as hollow as a flute!"
+
+This remark, for a moment, rather staggered the dog man, who first
+looked at his dog and then at the critic. Choking down his dander, or
+disgust, says he:
+
+"That's the best greyhound you ever saw, sir."
+
+"Well, what do you ask for him?"
+
+"Seventy-five dollars."
+
+"What? Seventy-five dollars for that dog frame?"
+
+"I guess you're a fool any way," says the dog man: "you don't know a
+hound from a tan yard cur, you jackass! Phe-e-wt! come along, Jerry!"
+and the man and dog disappeared.
+
+The man with the hollow dog had not stepped out two minutes, before the
+servant appeared with two more dog merchants; both had their specimens
+along, and were invited to "step in."
+
+"Ah! that's a dog!" ejaculated the country sportsman, the moment his
+eyes lit upon the massive proportions of a thundering edition of Mt. St.
+Bernard.
+
+"That _is_ a dog, sir," was the emphatic response of the dog merchant.
+
+"How much do you ask for that dog?" quoth the sportsman.
+
+"Well," says the trader, patting his dog, "I thought of getting about
+fifty-five dollars for him, but I--"
+
+"Stop," interrupted the country sportsman, "that's enough--he won't
+suit, no how; I can't go them figures on dogs." The man and dog left
+growling, and the next man and dog were brought up.
+
+"Why, that's a queer dog, mister, ain't it? 'Tain't got no hair on it;
+why, where in blazes did you raise such a dog as that; been scalded,
+hain't it?" says the rural sportsman, examining the critter.
+
+"Scalded?" echoed the dog man, looking no ways amiable at the speaker,
+"why didn't you never see a Chinese terrier, afore?"
+
+"No, and if that's one, I don't care about seeing another. Why, he looks
+like a singed possum?"
+
+"Well, you're a pooty looking country jake, you are, to advertise for a
+_dog_, and don't know Chiney terrier from a singed possum?"
+
+Another rap at the door announced more dogs, and as the man opened it to
+get out with his singed possum, a genus who evidently "killed for
+Keyser," rushed in with a pair of the
+ugliest-looking--savage--snub-nosed, slaughter-house pups, "the fancy"
+might ever hope to look upon! As these meat-axish canines made a rush at
+the very boot tops of the country sportsman, he "shied off," pretty
+perceptibly.
+
+"Are you de man advertised for de dogs, sa-a-ay? You needn't be afraid
+o' dem; come a'here, lay da-own, Balty--day's de dogs, mister, vot you
+read of!"
+
+"Ain't they rather fierce?" asked the rural sportsman, eyeing the ugly
+brutes.
+
+"Fierce? Better believe dey are--show 'em a f-f-ight, if you want to see
+'em go in for de chances! You want to see der teeth?"
+
+"No, I guess not," timidly responded the sportsman; "they are not
+exactly what I want," he continued.
+
+"What," says Jakey, "don't want 'em? Why, look a'here, you don't go for
+to say dat you 'spect I'm agoin' for to fetch d-dogs clean down here,
+for nuthin', do you, sa-a-ay? Cos if you do, I'll jis drop off my duds
+and lam ye out o' yer boots!"
+
+Jakey was just beginning to square, when his belligerent propositions
+were suddenly nipped in the bud, by the servant opening the door and
+ushering in more dogs; and no sooner did Jakey's pups see the
+new-comers, than they went in; a fight ensued--both of Jakey's pups
+lighting down on an able-bodied, big-bone sorrel dog, who appeared
+perfectly happy in the transaction, and having a tremendous jaw of his
+own, made the bones of the pups crack with the high pressure he gave
+them. Of course a dog fight is the _cue_ for a man fight, and in the wag
+of a dead lamb's tail, Jakey and the proprietor of the sorrel dog had a
+dispute. Jakey was attitudinizing _a la_ "the fancy," when the sorrel
+dog man--who, like his dog, was got up on a liberal scale of strength
+and proportions--walked right into Jakey's calculations, and whirled him
+in double flip-flaps on to the wash-stand of the rural sportsman's room!
+Our sporting friend viewed the various combatants more in bodily fear
+than otherwise, and was making a break for the door, to clear himself,
+when, to his horror and amazement, he found the entry beset by sundry
+men and boys, and any quantity of dogs--dogs of every hue, size, and
+description. At that moment the chawed-up pups of Jakey, and their
+equally used-up master, came a rushing down stairs--another fight ensued
+on the stairs between Jakey's dogs and some others, and then a stampede
+of dogs--mixing up of dogs--tangling of ropes and straps--cursing and
+hurraing, and such a time generally, as is far better imagined than
+described. The boarders hearing such a wild outcry--to say nothing of
+the yelps of dogs, came out of their various rooms, and retired as
+quickly, to escape the stray and confused dogs, that now were ki-yi-ing,
+yelping, and pitching all over the house! By judicious marshalling of
+the servants--broom-sticks, rolling-pins and canes, the dogs and their
+various proprietors were ejected, and order once more restored; the
+country sportsman seized his valise, paid his bills and "vamosed the
+ranche," and ever after it was incorporated in the rules of the Irving,
+that gentlemen are strictly prohibited from dealing in dogs while
+"putting up" in that house.
+
+
+
+
+Amateur Gardening.
+
+
+"I don't see what in sin's become of them dahlias I set out this
+Spring," said Tapehorn, a retired slop-shop merchant, to his wife, one
+morning a month ago, as he hunted in vain among the weeds and grass of
+his garden, to see where or when his two-dollars-a-piece dahlia roots
+were going to appear.
+
+"Can't think what's the matter with 'em," he continued. "Goldblossom
+said they were the finest roots he ever sold--ought to be up and in
+bloom--two months ago."
+
+"Oh, pa, I forgot to tell you," said Miss Tapehorn, "that our Patrick,
+one morning last Spring, was digging in the garden there, and he turned
+up some things that looked just like sweet potatoes; mother and I looked
+at them, and thought they were potatoes those Mackintoshes had left
+undug when they moved away last winter!"
+
+"Well, you-a--" gasped Tapehorn.
+
+"Well, pa, ma and I had them all dug up and cooked, and they were the
+meanest tasting things we ever knew, and we gave them all to the pigs!"
+
+Tapehorn looked like a man in the last stages of disgust, and jamming
+his fists down into his pockets, he walked into the house, muttering:
+
+"Tut, tut, tut!--thirty-two dollars and the finest lot of dahlias in the
+world--_gone to the pigs!_"
+
+
+
+
+The Two Johns at the Tremont.
+
+
+It is somewhat curious that more embarrassments, and queer _contre
+temps_ do not take place in the routine of human affairs, when we find
+so _many_ persons floating about of one and the same name. It must be
+shocking to be named John Brown, troublesome to be called John Thompson,
+but who can begin to conceive the horrors of that man's situation, who
+has at the baptismal font received the title of _John Smith_?
+
+Now it only wants a slight accident, the most trivial occurrence of
+fate--the meeting of two or three persons of the same name, or of great
+similarity of name, to create the most singular and even ludicrous
+circumstances and tableaux. One of these affairs came off at the Tremont
+House, some time since. One Thomas Johns, a blue-nose Nova-Scotian--a
+man of "some pumpkins" and "persimmons" at home, doubtless, put up for a
+few days at the Tremont, and about the same time one John Thomas, a
+genuine son of John Bull, just over in one of the steamers, took up his
+quarters at the same respectable and worthy establishment.
+
+Thomas Johns was a linen draper, sold silks, satinets, linen, and
+dimities, at his establishment in the Provinces, and was also a
+politician, and "went on" for the part of magistrate, occasionally. John
+Thomas was a retired wine-merchant, and, having netted a bulky fortune,
+he took it into his head to _travel_, and as naturally as he despised,
+and as contemptuously as he looked upon this poor, wild, unsophisticated
+country of ours, he nevertheless condescended to come and look at us.
+
+Well, there they were, Thomas Johns, and John Thomas; one was "roomed"
+in the north wing, the other in the south wing. Thomas Johns went out
+and began reconnoitering among the Yankee shop-keepers. John Thomas,
+having a fortnight's pair of sea legs on, and full of bile and beer,
+laid up at his lodgings, and passed the first three days in "hazing
+around" the servants, and blaspheming American manners and customs.
+
+Old John was quietly snoring off his bottle after a sumptuous Tremont
+dinner, when a repeated rap, rap, rap at his door aroused him.
+
+"What are you--at?" growls John.
+
+"It's ma, zur?" says one of the Milesian servants.
+
+"Blast yer hies, what want yer?" again growls John.
+
+"If ye plaze, zur, there's a young man below wishes to see you," says
+the servant.
+
+"Ha, tell 'im to clear out!" John having predestinated the "young man,"
+he gave an apoplectic snort, relapsed into his lethargy, and the servant
+whirled down into the rotunda, and informed the "young man" what the
+gentleman desired.
+
+"He did, eh?" says the young man, who looked as if he might be a clerk
+in an importing house. The young man left, in something of a high
+dudgeon.
+
+"What'r yer at now?" roared John Thomas, a second time, roused by the
+servant's rat-tat-too.
+
+"It's a gentleman wants to see yez's, zur."
+
+"Tell him to go to the d--!" and John snored again.
+
+"Is John in?" asks the gentleman, as the servant returns.
+
+"Mister _Thomas_ did yez mane, zur?"
+
+"No, yes, it is (looking at his tablets) same thing, I suppose; Thomas
+Johns," says the gentleman.
+
+"I belave it's right, zur," says the servant.
+
+"Well, what did he say?"
+
+"Faith, I think he's not in a good humor, betwane us, zur; he says yez
+may go to the divil!"
+
+"Did he? Well, that's polite, any how--invite a gentleman to dine with
+him, and then meet him with such language as that. The infernal 'blue
+nose,' I'll pull it, I'll tweak it until he'll roar like a calf!" and
+off went "the gentleman," hot as No. 6.
+
+"I belave he's not in, zur," says the same servant, answering another
+inquiry for John Thomas, or Thomas Johns, the carriage driver was not
+certain which.
+
+"Oh, ho!" says the servant, "it's a ride ould John's going fur to take
+till himself, and didn't want any callers." Reaching John's door, he
+began his tattoo.
+
+"Be hang'd to ye, what'r ye at now?" growls John, partly up and dressed.
+
+"The carriage is here, zur."
+
+"What carriage is that?" growls John, continuing his toilet.
+
+"I don't know, zur; I'll go down and sae the _number_, if ye plaze."
+
+"Thunder and tommy! What do I care for the number? Go tell the
+carriage----"
+
+"To go to the divil, zur?" says the servant, in anticipation of the
+command.
+
+"No, you bog-trotter, go tell the carriage to wait."
+
+The servant went down, and John continued his toilet, muttering--
+
+"Ah, some of their _haccommodations_, I expect; these American
+landlords, as they style 'em in these infernal wild woods 'ere, do
+manage to give a body tolerable sort of haccommodations; ha, but they'll
+take care to look hout for the dollars. I don't know, tho', these
+fellers 'ere appear tolerably clever; want me to ride hout, I suppose,
+and see some of their Yankee lions. Haw! haw! _Lions!_ I wonder what
+they'd say hif they saw Lun'un, and looked at St. Paul's once!"
+
+Getting through his toilet--and it takes an Englishman as long to fix
+his stiff cravat and that _stiffer_ and stauncher shirt-collar, and rub
+his hat, than a Frenchman to rig out _tout ensemble_, to say nothing of
+the gallons of water and dozens of towels he uses up in the
+operation--John found the carriage waiting; he asked no questions, but
+jumped in.
+
+"Isn't there some others beside yourself going out, sir?" says the
+driver, supposing he had the right man, or one of them.
+
+"No; drive off--where are you going to drive me?"
+
+"Mount Auburn, sir, the carriage was ordered for."
+
+"Humph! Some of the _battle-grounds_, I suppose," John grunts to
+himself, falls into a fit of English doggedness, and the coach drives
+off.
+
+Thomas Johns made little or no noise or confusion in the house,
+consequently he was not known to the servants, and very little known to
+the clerks. John Thomas was another person--he was all fuss and
+feathers. He kept his bell ringing, and the servants rushing for towels
+and water, water and towels, boots and beer, beer and boots, the English
+papers, maps of America, &c., without cessation. He was John Thomas and
+Thomas Johns, one and indivisible.
+
+John got his ride, and returned to the hotel sulkier than ever; and by
+the time he got unrobed of his pea-jackets and huge shawls about his
+burly neck, he was telegraphed by a servant to come down; there was a
+gentleman below on business with him. John foreswore business, but the
+gentleman must see him, and up he came for that purpose. His
+unmistakable _mug_ told he was "an officer."
+
+"I've a bill against you, sir, $368,20. Must be paid immediately!" said
+the presenter, peremptorily.
+
+John was thunderstruck.
+
+"Me, and be hanged to ye!" says John, getting his breath.
+
+"Yes, sir, for goods packed at Smith & Brown's, for Nova Scotia. The
+bill was to be paid this morning, as you agreed, but you told the clerk
+to go to the d--l! Won't do, that sort of work, here. Pay the bill, or
+you must go with me!"
+
+John, when he found himself in custody, swore it was some infernal
+Yankee scheme to gouge him, and he started for the clerk's office,
+below, to have some explanation. As John and the officer reached the
+rotunda, a gentleman steps up behind John, and gives his nose a
+first-rate _lug_. They clinched, the bystanders and servants interposed,
+and John and his assailant were parted, and by this time the nose puller
+discovered he had the wrong man by the nose!
+
+"Is your name Thomas Johns?" says the nose puller.
+
+"Blast you, no!"
+
+"Who pays this bill for the carriage, if your name ain't Johns?" says a
+man with a bill for the carriage hire.
+
+"I allers heard as ow you Yan-gees were inquisitive, and sharp after the
+dollars, and I'm 'anged if you ain't awful. My name's John Thomas, from
+Lun'un, bound back again in the next steamer. Now who's got any thing
+against _me_?"
+
+Thomas Johns came in at this climax, an explanation ensued, John was
+relieved of his embarrassment, and all were finally satisfied, except
+John Thomas, who, venting a few bottles of his spleen on every body and
+all things--Americans especially--took to his bed and beer, and snorted
+for a week.
+
+
+
+
+The Yankee in a Boarding School.
+
+
+"Well, squire, as I wer' tellin' on ye, when I went around pedlin'
+notions, I met many queer folks; some on 'em so darn'd preoud and sassy,
+they wouldn't let a feller look at 'em; a-n-d 'd shut their doors and
+gates, _bang_ into a feller's face, jest as ef a Yankee pedler was a
+pizen sarpint! Then there waa-s t'other kind o' human critters, so pesky
+poor, or 'nation stingy, they'd pinch a fourpence till it'd squeal like
+a stuck pig. Ye-e-s, I do _swow_, I've met some critters so dog-ratted
+mean, that ef you had sot a steel trap onder their beds, a-n-d baited it
+with three cents, yeou'd a cotch ther con-feoun-ded souls afore
+mornin'!"
+
+"Massy sakes!" responded the squire.
+
+"Fact! by ginger!" echoed the ex-pedler.
+
+"Well, go on, Ab," said the squire, giving his pipe another 'charge,'
+and lighting up for the yarn Absalom Slamm had promised the gals, soon
+as the quilt was out and refreshments were handed around.
+
+"Go on, Ab--let's hear abeout that scrape yeou had with the school marm
+and her gals."
+
+"Wall, I _will_, squire; gals, spread yeourselves areound and squat;
+take care o' yeour corset strings, and keep deth-ly still. Wall; neow,
+yeou all sot? Hain't none o' ye been in the pedlin' business, I guess;
+wall, no matter, tho' it's dread-ful pleasant sometimes: then again at
+others, 'taint."
+
+"Go on, Ab, go on," said the squire.
+
+"Ye-e-s; wall, as I was saying, 'beout tradin', none o' yeou ever been
+in the tradin' way? Wall, it deon't matter a cent; as I was agoin' to
+say, I had hard, hard luck one season--got clean busted all tew smash!
+O-o-o! it was _dre-a-a-dful times_; jest abeout the time Gineral Jackson
+clapped his _we-toe_ on the hull o' the banks, kersock. Wall, yeou see,
+I got broke all tew flinders. My ole hoss died, the sun and rain beat up
+my wagon, I sold eout my notions tew a feller that paid me all in
+ceounter-fit money, and then he dug eout, as Parson Dodge says, to
+undiskivered kedn'try.
+
+"There was only one way abeout it; I was beound to dew somethin',
+instead o' goin' to set deown and blubber; and as I layed stretched eout
+in bed one Sunday morning, in Marm Smith's tavern, in the cockloft among
+the old stuff, I spies a darn'd ole consarn that took my fancy immazin'!
+As Deb Brown said, when she 'sperienced rele-gen, I felt my sperrets
+raisin' me clean eout o' bed, and eout I beounced, like a pea in a hot
+skillet. Deown I goes to Marm Smith; the ole lady was dressed up to
+death in her Sunday-go-to-meetin's, and jest as preoud and sassy as her
+darn'd ole skin ceould heould in.
+
+"'Marm Smith,' sez I, 'yeou hain't got no ole stuff yeou deon't want tew
+sell nor nuthin', dew ye?'
+
+"'_Ab Slamm_,' sez she, plantin' her thumbs on her hip joints, and as
+the milishey officer ses on trainin' day, comin' at me, 'right face,'
+she spread herself like a clapboard. 'Ab Slamm,' sez she, 'what on airth
+possesses yeou to talk o' tradin' on the Sabbath?'
+
+"'Wall,' sez I, 'Marm Smith, yeou needn't take on so 'beout it; I guess
+a feller kin ax a question witheout tradin' or breakin' the Sabbath all
+tew smash, either! Neow,' says I, 'yeou got some ole plunder up ther in
+the cockloft, where yeou stuck me to sleep; 'tain't much use to yeou,
+and one article I see I want to trade fur.'
+
+"Wall, we didn't trade _'zactly_. Marm Smith, yeou see, got
+dre-e-e-adful relejus 'beout that time--wouldn't let her gals draw ther
+breth scacely, and shot her roosters all up in the cellar every Sunday.
+Fact, by ginger! Wall, yeou see, Marm Smith were agin tradin' on Sunday,
+but she sed I might arrange it with Ben, her barkeeper, and so I got the
+instrument, _any heow_."
+
+"What was it, Ab?" inquired the squire.
+
+"Massy sakes, tell us!" says the gals.
+
+"I sha'n't dew it, till I tell the hull abeout it," Ab replied, rather
+choosing, like Captain Cuttle, to break the gist of his information into
+small chunks, and so make it the more _telling_ and comparatively
+interesting.
+
+"When I got the _instrument_, and paid Marm Smith my board bill, I wer
+in possession of a cash capital of jest three fo'pences. I took my
+jack-knife, and unjinted the instrument, cleaned it off, then wrapped
+the different sections up in a paper, put the hull in my little yaller
+trunk, and dug eout. When I got clean eout o' sight and hearin' of
+everybody I'd ever hear'n tell on, I stopped r-i-g-h-t in my track. My
+cash capital wer gone, my mortal remains were holler as a flute, and my
+old trunk had worn a hole clean through the shoulder o' my best Sunday
+coat. I put up, and sez I tew the landlord:
+
+"'Squire, what sort o' place is this for a sheow?'
+
+"'For a sh-e-ow?' sez he.
+
+"'Ye-e-e-s,' sez I.
+
+"'What a' yeou got to sh-e-o-w?' sez he.
+
+"'The most wonderful instrument ever inwent-'d,' sez I.
+
+"'What's 't fur?' sez he.
+
+"'For the wimen,' sez I.
+
+"'O! sez he, lookin' alfired peart and smeart, as tho' he'd seen a flock
+o' l'fants; 'quack doctor, I s'pose, eh?'
+
+"'No, I ben't a quack doctor, nuther,' sez I, priming up at the
+insin-i-wa-tion.
+
+"'Wall, what on airth hev yeou got, _any heow_?' sez he.
+
+"When he 'poligized in that sort o' way, in course I up and told him
+the full perticklers 'beout a wonderful _instrument_ I had for the
+ladies and wimen folks. A-n-d heow I wanted to sheow it before some o'
+the female sim-i-nar-ries, and give a lectoor on't.
+
+"'By bunker!' sez he, 'then yeou've cum jest teou the spot; three miles
+up the road is the great _Jargon Institoot_, 'spressly for young ladies,
+wher they teach 'em the 'rethmetic, French scollopin', and High-tall-ion
+curlycues; dancin', tight-lacin', hair-dressin', and so forth, with the
+use of curlin' irons, forty pinanners, and parfumeries chuck'd in.'
+
+"'Yeou deon't _say_ so?' sez I.
+
+"'Yes, I doos,' sez he; and then yeou had orter seen me make streaks fur
+the Jargon Institoot.
+
+"I feound the place, knocked on the door, and a feller all starch'd up,
+lookin' cruel nice, kem and opened the door. I axed if the marm were in.
+Then he wanted tew kneow which of 'em I wanted tew see. 'The head marm
+of the Institoot,' sez I. 'Please to give me yeour keard,' sez he. 'You
+be darn'd,' sez I; 'I'd have yeou know, mister,' sez I, 'I don't deal in
+_keards_--never did, nuther!'
+
+"The feller show'd a heap o' ivory, and brought deown the head marm. It
+weould a' dun Marm Smith's ole heart good to seen this dre-e-a-d-ful
+pius critter. She looked mighty nice, a-n-d she scolloped reound, and
+beow'd and cut an orful quantity o' capers, when I ondid my business to
+her. I went on and told her heow in course o' travel--
+
+"'In furrin pearts?' sez she.
+
+"'Yes,' sez I--'I kim across a great instrument,' sez I. 'It was well
+known to the wimen and ladies o' the past gin-i-rations,' sez I.
+
+"'The an-shants?' sez she.
+
+"'Yes, marm,' sez I. Then she axed me wether it wer a wind instrer-ment
+or a stringed instrer-ment. A-n-d I told her it wer a stringed
+instrer-ment, but went on the hurdy-gurdy pren-cipl', with a crank or
+treddle. But what I moost dwelt on, as the ox-ion-eer sez, were the
+great combinations of the instrer-ment, a-n-d I piled it up
+dre-e-e-adful! I told the marm I wanted to git the thing patented, and
+put before the people--the wimen and ladies in per-tick'ler--so that
+every gal in the univarsal world could play upon it--exercise her hands,
+strengthen her arms and chist, give her form a nater-al de-welop-ment,
+and so make the hull grist o' wimen critters useful, as well as
+or-namental, as my instrer-ment was a useful necessity; for while it
+lent grace and beauty to the female form, and gin forth fust rate music,
+it was par-fect-ly scriptooral; it ceould be made to clothe the naked
+and feed the hon-gry. My il-o-quince had the marm. She 'greed to buy one
+of my machines _straight_ fur use of her _Institoot_--each school-gal to
+'put in' by next day, when I wer to bring the instrer-ment, get my $40,
+and deliver a lectoor on it. Next mornin', bright and early, I wer
+there; the _puss_ wer made up, and the gals nigh abeout bilin' over with
+curiosity to see my wonderful _hand-limberer, arm-strengthener,
+chist-expander, female-beautifier, and univarsal musical machine!_ When
+they all got assembled, I ondid the machine; they wer still as death!
+When I sot it up, they wer breathless with wonderment; when I started
+it, they gin a gineral screech of delight. Then I sot deown and played
+'em _old hund'erd_, and every gal in the room vowed right eout she'd
+have one made _straight!_ O-o-o! yeou'd a died to seen the excitement
+that instrer-ment made in Jargon Institoot. The head marm wanted my
+ortergraff, and each o' the gals a lock o' my hair. But just then, a
+confeounded ole woolly-headed Virginny nigger wench, cook o' the Jargon
+Institoot, kem in, and the moment she clapped her ole eyes on my
+inwention, she roared reight eout, 'O! de _Lud_, ef dar ain't one de ole
+Virginny _spinnin' wheels!_' I kinder had bus'ness somewheres else
+'beout that time! I took with a leaving!"
+
+
+
+
+A Dreadful State of Excitement.
+
+
+A retrospective view of some ten or fifteen years, brings up a wonderful
+"heap of notions," which at their birth made quite a different sensation
+from that which their "bare remembrance" would seem to sanction now. The
+statement made in a "morning paper" before us, of a fine horse being
+actually scared stone and instantaneously dead, by a roaring and hissing
+locomotive, brings to mind "a circumstance," which though it did not
+exactly _do our knitting_, it came precious near the climax!
+
+Some years ago, upon what was then considered the "frontier" of
+Missouri, we chanced to be laid up with a "game leg," in consequence of
+a performance of a bullet-headed mule that we were endeavoring to coerce
+at the end of a corn stalk, for his "intervention" in a fodder stack to
+which he could lay no legitimate claim. About two miles from our
+"lodgings" was a store, a "grocery," shotecary pop, boots, hats,
+gridirons, whiskey, powder and shot, &c., &c., and the post office.
+About three times a week, we used to hobble down to this modern ark, to
+read the news, see what was going on down in the world, and--pass a few
+hours with the proprietor of the store, who chanced to be a man with
+whom we had had a former acquaintance "in other climes." Well, one day,
+we dropped down to the store, and found pretty much all the men
+folks--and they were not numerous around there, the houses or cabins
+being rather scattering--getting ready to go down the river (Missouri)
+some ten miles, to see a notorious desperado "stretch hemp." My friend
+Captain V----, the storekeeper, was about to go along too, and proposed
+that we should mount and accompany him, or--stay and tend store. We
+accepted the latter proposition, as we were in no travelling kelter, and
+had no taste for performances on the tight rope. Having officiated for
+Captain V---- on several former occasions, we had the run of his
+"grocery" and _postal_ arrangements quite fluent enough to take charge
+of all the trade likely to turn up that day; so the captain and his
+friends started, promising a return before sunset.
+
+One individual, living some seven miles up the road, called for his
+newspaper, and got his jug filled, spent a couple of hours with us--put
+out, and was succeeded by two squalid Indians, with some skins to trade
+for corn juice and tobacco; they cleared out, and about two or three P.
+M., some _movers_ came along; we had a little dicker with them, and that
+closed up the business accounts of the day.
+
+Having discussed all the availables, from the contents of the post
+office--seven newspapers and four letters per quarter!--to the crackers
+and cheese, and business being essentially stagnated, we ups and lies
+down upon the top of the counter, to take a nap. Captain V----'s store
+was a log building, about 15 by 30, and stood near the edge of the
+woods, and at least half a mile from any habitation, except the
+schoolhouse and blacksmith's shop, two small huts, and at that time--"in
+coventry." Captain V---- was a bachelor; he boarded--that is, he took
+his meals at the nearest house--half a mile back from the wood, and
+slept in his store. We soon fell into the soft soothing arms of
+Morpheus, and--slept. It was fine mild weather--September, and, of
+course, the door was wide open. How long we slept we were not at all
+conscious, but were aroused by a heavy hand that gave us a hearty shake
+by the shoulder, and in a rather sepulchral voice says--
+
+"How are you?"
+
+Gods! we were up quick, for our sleep had been visited by dreams of
+southwest tragedies, hanging scrapes, and other nightmare affairs, and
+as we opened our eyes and caught a glimpse of the double-fisted,
+cadaverous fellow standing over us, a strong inclination to go off into
+a cold sweat seized us! Lo! it was after sunset! Almost dark in the
+store, the stars had already began to twinkle in the sky.
+
+Captain V---- did a considerable trade at his store, and at times had
+considerable sums of money laying around. Upon leaving in the morning,
+he notified us, in case we should require _change_, to look into the
+desk, where he kept a shot bag of silver coin, and--his pistols.
+
+"How are you?" the words and manner and looks of the man gave us a cold
+chill.
+
+"How do you do?" we managed to respond, at the same time sliding down
+behind the counter. The stranger had a heavy walking stick in his hand,
+and a knapsack looking bundle swung to his shoulder. He looked like the
+rough remnants of an ill-spent life; had evidently travelled somewhere
+where barbers, washer-women and such like civilian delicacies, were more
+matters of tradition than fact.
+
+"Been asleep, eh?" he carelessly continued.
+
+"It appears so," said we, feeling no better or more satisfactory in our
+mind, and no reason to, for night was now closing in, and we were going
+through our performances by the slight illumination of the stars,
+without any positive certainty as to where the Captain kept his tinder
+box and candle, that we might furnish some sort of light upon the
+lugubrious state of affairs.
+
+"Do you keep this store?"
+
+"No, we do not," we answered, watching the man as he put his bundle down
+upon the counter.
+
+"Who does?" was the next question.
+
+"The gentleman who keeps it," we replied, "is away to-day."
+
+"Ah, gone to see a poor human being put out of the world, eh?"
+
+We said "yes," or something of the kind, and thought to ourself, no
+doubt you know all that's going on of that sort of business like a book,
+and a host of other ideas flashed across our mind, while all the evil
+deeds of note transacted in that region for the past ten years, seemed
+awakened in our mind's eye, working up our nervous system, until the
+coon skin cap upon our excited head stood upon about fifteen hairs, with
+the strange and overwhelming impression that our time had come! We would
+have given the State of Missouri--if it were in our possession, to have
+heard Captain V----'s voice, or even have had a fair chance to dash out
+at the door, and give the fellow before us a specimen of tall
+walking--lame as we were!
+
+"Ain't you got a _light_? I'd think you'd be a little timid (a _little_
+timid!) about laying around here, alone, in the dark, too?" said the
+fellow, sticking one hand into his coat pocket, and gazing sharply
+around the store. Mock heroically says we--
+
+"Afraid? Afraid of what?" our valor, like Bob Acres', oozing out at our
+fingers.
+
+"These outlaws you've got around here," said he. "They say the man they
+hanged to-day was a decent fellow to what some are, who prowl around in
+this country!"
+
+We very modestly said, "that such fellows never bothered us."
+
+"Do you sleep in this store--live here?"
+
+"No, sir, we don't," was our answer.
+
+"Where do you lodge and get your eating?"
+
+"First house up the road."
+
+"How far is it?" says he.
+
+"Half a mile or less."
+
+"Well, close up your shop, and come along with me!" says the fellow.
+
+Now we were coming to the _tableaux!_ He wanted us to step outside in
+order that the business could be done for us, with more haste and
+certainty, and we really felt as good as assassinated and hid in the
+bushes! It was quite astonishing how our visual organs intensified! We
+could see every wrinkle and line in the fellow's face, could almost
+count the stitches in his coat, and the more we looked, and the keener
+and more searching became our observation, the more atrocious and subtle
+became the fellow and his purpose. With a firmness that astonished
+ourself, we said--
+
+"_No, Sir_; if _you_ have business there or elsewhere, you had better
+_go!_" and with this determined speech, we walked up to the desk, and
+with the air of a "man of business" or the nonchalance of a hero, says
+we--
+
+"What are you after--have you any business with _us_?"
+
+"You're kind of crusty, Mister," says he. "I'm canvassing this
+State,--_wouldn't you like to subscribe for a first-rate map of
+Missouri_, OR A NEW EDITION OF JOSEPHUS?"
+
+We felt too mean all over to "subscribe," but we found a light, and soon
+found in the stranger one of the best sort of fellows, a man of
+information and morality, and, though he had _looked_ dangerous, he
+turned out harmless as a lamb, and we got intimate as brothers before
+Captain V---- returned that night.
+
+
+
+
+Ralph Waldo Emerson.
+
+
+Of all the public lecturers of our time and place, none have attracted
+more attention from the press, and consequently the people, than RALPH
+WALDO EMERSON.
+
+Lecturing has become quite a fashionable science--and now, instead of
+using the old style phrases for illustrating facts, we call travelling
+preachers perambulating showmen, and floating politicians, _lecturers_.
+
+As a lecturer, Ralph Waldo Emerson is extensively known around these
+parts; but whether his lectures come under the head of law, logic,
+politics, Scripture, or the show business, is a matter of much
+speculation; for our own part, the more we read or hear of Ralph, the
+more we don't know what it's all about.
+
+Somebody has said, that to his singularity of style or expression,
+Carlyle and his works owe their great notoriety or fame--and many
+compare Ralph Waldo to old Carlyle. They cannot trace exactly any great
+affinity between these two great geniuses of the flash literary school.
+Carlyle writes vigorously, quaintly enough, but almost always speaks
+when he says something; on the contrary, our flighty friend Ralph speaks
+vigorously, yet says nothing! Of all men that have ever stood and
+delivered in presence of "a reporter," none surely ever led these
+indefatigable knights of the pen such a wild-goose chase over the
+verdant and flowery pastures of King's English, as Ralph Waldo Emerson.
+In ordinary cases, a reporter well versed in his art, catches a sentence
+of a speaker, and goes on to fill it out upon the most correct
+impression of what was intended, or what is implied. But no such
+license follows the outpourings of Mr. Emerson; no thought can fathom
+his intentions, and quite as bottomless are even his finished sentences.
+We have known "old stagers," in the newspaporial line, veteran
+reporters, so dumbfounded and confounded by the first fire of Ralph, and
+his grand and lofty acrobating in elocution, that they up, seized their
+hat and paper, and sloped, horrified at the prospect of an attempt to
+"take down" Mr. Emerson.
+
+If Roaring Ralph touches a homely mullen weed, on a donkey heath,
+straightway he makes it a full-blown rose, in the land of Ophir,
+shedding an odor balmy as the gales of Arabia; while with a facility the
+wonderful London auctioneer Robbins might envy, Ralph imparts to a
+lime-box, or pig-sty, a negro hovel, or an Irish shanty, all the
+romance, artistic elegance and finish of a first-class manor-house, or
+Swiss cottage, inlaid with alabaster and fresco, surrounded by elfin
+bowers, grand walks, bee hives, and honeysuckles.
+
+Ralph don't group his metaphorical beauties, or dainties of Webster,
+Walker, &c., but rushes them out in torrents--rattles them down in
+cataracts and avalanches--bewildering, astounding, and incomprehensible.
+He hits you upon the left lug of your knowledge box with a metaphor so
+unwieldy and original, that your breath is soon gone--and before it is
+recovered, he gives you another _rhapsody_ on t'other side, and as you
+try to steady yourself, _bim_ comes another, heavier than the first two,
+while a fourth batch of this sort of elocution fetches you a bang over
+the eyes, giving you a vertigo in the ribs of your bewildered senses,
+and before you can say "God bless us!" down he has you--_cobim!_ with a
+deluge of high-heeled grammar and three-storied Anglo Saxon, settling
+your hash, and brings you to the ground by the run, as though you were
+struck by lightning, or in the way of a 36-pounder! Ralph Waldo is death
+and an entire _stud_ of pale horses on flowery expressions and
+japonica-domish flubdubs. He revels in all those knock-kneed, antique,
+or crooked and twisted words we used all of us to puzzle our brains over
+in the days of our youth, and grammar lessons and rhetoric exercises. He
+has a penchant as strong as cheap boarding-house butter, for
+mystification, and a free delivery of hard words, perfectly and
+unequivocally wonderful. We listened one long hour by the clock of
+Rumford Hall, one night, to an outpouring of _argumentum ad hominem_ of
+Mr. Emerson's--at what? A boy under an apple tree! If ten persons out of
+the five hundred present were put upon their oaths, they could no more
+have deciphered, or translated Mr. Ralph's argumentation, than they
+could the hieroglyphics upon the walls of Thebes, or the sarcophagus of
+old King Pharaoh! When Ralph Waldo opens, he may be as calm as a May
+morn--he may talk for five minutes, like a book--we mean a
+common-sensed, understandable book; but all of a sudden the fluid will
+strike him--up he goes--down he fetches them. He throws a double
+somerset backwards over Asia Minor--flip-flaps in Greece--wings
+Turkey--and _skeets_ over Iceland; here he slips up with a flower
+garden--a torrent of gilt-edged metaphors, that would last a country
+parson's moderate demand a long lifetime, are whirled with the fury and
+fleetness of Jove's thunderbolts. After exhausting his sweet-scented
+receiver of this floral elocution, he pauses four seconds; pointing to
+vacuum, over the heads of his audience, he asks, in an anxious tone, "Do
+you see that?" Of course the audience are not expected to be so
+unmannerly as to ask "What?" If they were, Ralph would not give them
+time to "go in," for after asking them if they see _that_, he
+continues--
+
+"There! Mark! Note! It is a malaria prism! Now, then; here--there; see
+it! Note it! Watch it!"
+
+During this time, half of the audience, especially the old women and the
+children, look around, fearful of the ceiling falling in, or big bugs
+lighting on them. But the pause is for a moment, and anxiety ceases when
+they learn it was only a false alarm, only--
+
+"Egotism! The lame, the pestiferous exhalation or concrete malformation
+of society!"
+
+You breathe freer, and Ralph goes in, gloves on.
+
+"Egotism! A metaphysical, calcareous, oleraceous amentum of--society!
+The mental varioloid of this sublunary hemisphere! One of its worst
+feelings or features is, the craving of sympathy. It even loves
+sickness, because actual pain engenders signs of sympathy. All
+cultivated men are infected more or less with this dropsy. But they are
+still the leaders. The life of a few men is the life of every place. In
+Boston you hear and see a few, so in New York; then you may as well die.
+Life is very narrow. Bring a few men together, and under the spell of
+one calm genius, what frank, sad confessions will be made! Culture is
+the suggestion from a few best thoughts that a man should not be a
+charlatan, but temper and subdue life. Culture redresses his balance,
+and puts him among his equals. It is a poor compliment always to talk
+with a man upon his _specialty_, as if he were a cheese-mite, and was
+therefore strong on Cheshire and Stilton. Culture takes the grocer out
+of his molasses and makes him genial. We pay a heavy price for those
+fancy goods, Fine Arts and Philosophy. No performance is worth loss of
+geniality. That unhappy man called of genius, is an unfortunate man.
+Nature always carries her point despite the means!"
+
+If that don't convince you of Ralph's high-heeled, knock-kneed logic, or
+_au fait_ dexterity in concocting flap-doodle mixtures, you're ahead of
+ordinary intellect as far as this famed lecturer is in advance of gin
+and bitters, or opium discourses on--delirium tremens!
+
+In short, Ralph Waldo Emerson can wrap up a subject in more mystery and
+science of language than ever a defunct Egyptian received at the hands
+of the mummy manufacturers! In person, Mr. Ralph is rather a pleasing
+sort of man; in manners frank and agreeable; about forty years of age,
+and a native of Massachusetts. As a lawyer, he would have been the
+horror of jurors and judges; as a lecturer, he is, as near as possible,
+what we have described him.
+
+
+
+
+Humbug.
+
+
+There is no end to the humbug in life. About half we say, and more than
+half we do, is tinged with humbug. "My Dear Sir," we say, when we
+address a letter to a fellow we have never seen, and if seen, perhaps
+don't care a continental cent for him; _dear_ sir! what a humbug
+expression! "Good morning," (what a lie!) says one, as he meets another
+_one_, on a stormy and nasty day, "quite a disagreeable wet day!" What's
+the use of such a humbug expression as that? If it's a disagreeable and
+stormy day, every body finds it out, naturally. Full half of the people
+who appear solicitous about your _health_, display a gratuitous amount
+of humbug, for your pocket-book is more beloved than your health; and we
+have often wondered why matter-of-fact people don't out with it, when
+they meet, and say--"How's your pocket to-day? Sorry to hear you're out
+of _money!_" Or, instead of soft soap, when they meet, why not discard
+humbug, and say, "Sorry to see you--was blackguarding you all day!"
+instead of "Glad to see you--have been _thinking_ of you to-day!" or,
+"I'm glad to see you've been elected Mayor of the city!" when in fact
+they mean, "Curse you, I wish you had been defeated!" Compliments
+_pass_, they say, when _gentlemen_ meet, but, as there are so many
+counterfeit gentry around, now-a-days, you may bet high that half the
+_compliments_ that _pass_ are--_mere bogus!_
+
+
+
+
+Hotel Keeping.
+
+
+Fortunes are made--very readily, it is said, in our large cities, by
+Hotel keeping. It does look money-making business to a great many
+people, who stop in a large hotel a day or two, and perhaps, after
+eating about two meals out of six--walking in quietly and walking out
+quietly--no fuss, no feathers, find themselves _taxed_ four or five
+dollars!
+
+We have had occasion to know something of travel and travellers, hotels,
+hotel-keepers and their bills, and it _has_ now and then entered our
+head that money was or could be made--in the hotel business. We _have_
+stopped in houses where we honestly concluded--we got our money's worth,
+and we have again had reason to believe ourselves grossly shaved, in a
+"first-class" hotel, at two dollars a day--all hurry-scurry, poked up in
+the cock-loft, mid bugs, dirt, heat and effluvia, very little better
+than a Dutch tavern in fly time.
+
+We did not fail to observe at the same time, that cool impudence and
+clamor had a most mollifying effect upon landlord and his _attaches_,
+the tinsel and mere electrotypes passing for real bullion, galvanized
+_hums_ by their noise and pretensions faring fifty per cent. better for
+the same _price_--than the more republican, quiet and human wayfarer.
+
+Under such auspices, it is not at all wonderful that ourself and scores
+of others, paying two dollars and a half per diem, got what we could
+catch, while Kossuth, and a score of his followers, fared and were
+favored like princes of a monarchical realm--"though all _dead heads!_"
+
+Hotels now-a-days must be _showy_, abounding in tin foil, Dutch metal
+and gamboge, a thousand of the "modern improvements"--mere clap-trap,
+and as foreign to the solid comforts of solid people, as icebergs to
+Norwegians or "east winds" to the consumptive. Without the show, they
+would be quite deserted; men will pay for this _show_, must pay for it,
+and all this show costs money; Turkey carpets, life-size mirrors,
+ottomans and marble slabs, from dome to kitchen, _draw well_, and those
+who indulge in the dance, must pay the piper.
+
+The fact is, most people understand these things about as well as we do,
+and it but remains for us to give a daguerreotype of a _few customers_
+which landlords or their clerks and servants now and then meet. The
+conductor of one of our first-class houses, gives us such a truly
+piquant and matter-of-fact picture of _his_ experience, that we _up_ and
+copy it, believing, as we do, that the reader will see some information
+and amusement in the subject.
+
+A fussy fellow takes it into his head that he will go on a little tour,
+he pockets a few dollars and a clean dickey or two, and--comes to town.
+He's no green horn--O! no, he ain't, he has been around some--he has,
+and knows a thing or two, and something over. He is dumped out of the
+cars with hundreds of others, in the great depots, and is assailed by
+vociferous _whips_ who, in quest of stray dimes, watch the incoming
+_trains_ and shout and bawl--
+
+"Eh 'up! Tremont House!"
+
+"Up--_a!_ American House--right away!"
+
+"Ha! _up!_ Right off for the Revere!"
+
+"Here's the coach--already for the United States!"
+
+"Yee 'up! now we go, git in, best house in town, all ready for the
+Winthrop House!"
+
+"Eh 'up, _ha!_ now we are off, for the Pavilion!"
+
+"Exchange Coffee House--dollar a day, four meals, no extra charge--right
+along this way, sir!"
+
+"Hoo-_ray_, this coach--take you right up, Exchange Hotel!"
+
+"Jump in, tickets for your baggage, sir, take you up--right off, best
+house in town, hot supper waitin'--way for the Adams House!"
+
+And so they yell and grab at you, and our fussy friend, having heard of
+the tall arrangements and great doings of the _American_, he hands
+himself over to the coachman, and with a load of others he is rolled
+over to that institution, in a jiffy. Our fussy friend is slightly "took
+down" at the idea of paying for the hauling up, having a notion that
+that was a part of the accommodation! However, he ain't a going to look
+small or verdant; so he pays the coachman, grabs his valise, and rushes
+into the long colonnaded office; and making his way to the _register_,
+slams down his baggage, and in a dignified, authoritative manner, says--
+
+"A room!"
+
+"Yes, sir," responds the Colonel, or some of the clerks--who may be
+officiating.
+
+"Supper!" says Capt. Fussy, in the same tone of command.
+
+"Certainly, sir--please register your name, sir!"
+
+Captain Fussy off's gloves, seizes the pen, and down goes his autograph,
+Captain Fussy, Thumperstown, N. H.
+
+"Now, I want a hot steak!" says he.
+
+"You can have it, sir!" blandly replies the Colonel.
+
+"Hot chocolate," continues Fussy.
+
+"Certainly, sir!"
+
+"Eggs, poached, and a--hot roll!"
+
+"They'll be all ready, sir."
+
+"How soon?"
+
+"Five minutes, sir," says the Colonel, talking to a dozen at the same
+time.
+
+"Ah, well--show me my room!" says Captain Fussy.
+
+The bells are ringing--servants running to and fro, like witches in a
+whirlwind; fifty different calls--tastes--orders and fancies, are being
+served, but Capt. Fussy is attended to, a servant seizes his valise and
+a taper, and in the most winning way, cries--
+
+"This way, sir, _right along!_" With a measured tread and the air of a
+man who knew what it was all about, the Captain follows the _garcon_ and
+mounts one flight of the broad stairs, and is about to ascend another,
+when it strikes him that he's not going up to the top of the house,
+nohow!
+
+"Where are you going to take me to--up into the garret?"
+
+"Oh! no, sir; your room's only 182; that's only on the third floor!"
+
+"Third floor!" cries Capt. Fussy, "take _me_ up into the third story?"
+
+"Plenty of gentlemen on the fifth and sixth floors, sir," says the
+servant, and he goes ahead, Capt. Fussy following, muttering--
+
+"Pooty doin's this, taking a _gentleman_ up three of these cussed long
+stairs, to room 182! I'll see about this, I will; mus'n't come no gammon
+over me; I'm able to pay, and want the worth of my money!"
+
+The third floor is reached, and after a brief meandering along the
+halls, 182 is arrived at, the door thrown open and Capt. Fussy is
+ushered in; his first effort is to find fault with the carpets,
+furniture, bedding or something, but as he had never probably seen such
+a general arrangement for ease, comfort and convenience--he caved in and
+merely gave a deep-toned--
+
+"_Ah._ Got better rooms than this, ain't you?"
+
+"There may be, sir, a few better rooms in the house, not many," said the
+servant.
+
+"Well, you may go--but stop--how soon'll my supper be ready?"
+
+"There'll be a supper set at eight, another at nine, sir."
+
+"Ah, four minutes of eight," says Fussy, pulling out a "bull's eye"
+watch, with as much flourish as if it was a premium eighteen-_carat
+lever_. "Well, call me when you've got supper ready, do you hear?"
+
+"Yes, sir; but you'll hear the gong."
+
+"The gong--what's that? Ain't you got no bells?"
+
+"The gong is used, sir, instead of bells," says the servant.
+
+"_Ah_, well, clear out--but say, I want a fire in here."
+
+"Yes, sir; I'll send up a fireman."
+
+"A fireman? What do I want with _firemen_? Bring in some wood, and,
+stranger--start up--a hello! thunder and saw mills, what's all that
+racket about--house a-fire?"
+
+"No, _sir!_" says the grinning servant--"the _gong_--supper's on the
+table!"
+
+"_Ah_, very well; go ahead; where's the room?"
+
+Conducted to the dining-room, Capt. Fussy's eyes stretch at the
+wholesale display of table-cloths, arm-chairs, "crockery" and cutlery,
+mirrors and white-aproned waiters. A seat is offered him, he dumps
+himself down, amazed but determined to look and act like one used to
+these affairs, from the hour of his birth!
+
+"I ordered hot steak, poached eggs--hain't you got 'em?"
+
+"Certainly, sir!" says the waiter, and the steak and eggs are at hand.
+
+"Coffee or tea, sir?" another servant inquires.
+
+"Coffee and tea! Humph, I ordered chocolate--hain't you got chocolate?"
+
+"Oh, yes, sir; there it is."
+
+"_Ah_, umph!" and Fussy gazes around and turns his nose slightly up, at
+the whole concern, waiters, guests, table, steak, eggs, chocolate,
+and--even the tempting hot rolls--before him.
+
+Fussy calls for a glass of water, wants to know if there's fried oysters
+on the table; he finds there is not, and Fussy frowns and asks for a
+lobster salad, which the waiter informs him is never used at supper, in
+that hotel.
+
+Eventually, Capt. Fussy being _crammed_, after an hour's diligent
+feeding, fuss and feathers, retires, asks all sorts of questions about
+people and places, at the _office_; what time trains start and steamers
+come, omnibuses here and stages there, all of which he is politely
+answered, of course, and he finally goes to his room, rings his bell
+every ten minutes, for an hour, and then--goes to bed; next day puts the
+servants and clerks over another course, and on the third day--calls for
+his bill, finds but few extras charged, hands over a _five_, puts on his
+gloves, seizes his valise, looks savagely dignified and stalks out, big
+as two military officers in regimentals!
+
+"_Ah_," says Fussy, as he reaches the street, "_I_ put 'em through--_I
+guess I got the worth of my money!_"
+
+We calculate he did!
+
+
+
+
+"According to Gunter."
+
+
+Old Gunter was going home t'other night with a very heavy "turkey
+on"--about a forty-four pounder. Gunter accused the pavements of being
+icy, and down he came--_kerchug!_ A "young lady" coming along,
+fidgetting and finiking, she made a very sudden and opposite _ricochet_,
+on seeing Gunter feeling the ground, and making abortive attempts to
+"riz." Gunter's gallantry was "up;" he knew his own weakness, and saw
+the difficulty with the "young lady;" so making a very determinate
+effort to get on his pins, Gunter elevated his head and then his voice,
+and says he: "My de-dea-dear ma'm, do-do-don't pu-pu-put yourself out of
+th-th-the way, on my account!" Tableaux--"young lady" quick-step, and
+Gunter playing all-fours in the _mud!_
+
+
+
+
+Quartering upon Friends.
+
+
+City-bred people have a pious horror of the country in winter, and no
+great regard for country visitors at any time, however much they may
+"let on" to the contrary.
+
+In rushing hot weather, when the bricks and mortar, the stagnated,
+oven-like air of the crowded city threatens to bake, parboil, or give
+the "citizens" the yellow fever, then we are very apt to think of plain
+Aunt Polly, rough-hewed Uncle John, and the bullet-headed, uncombed,
+smock-frocked cousins, nephews, and nieces, at their rural homes, amid
+the fragrant meadows and umbrageous woods; the cool, silver streams and
+murmuring brooks of the glorious country. Then, the poetic sunbeams and
+moonshine of fancy bring to the eye and heart all or a part of the
+glories and beauties, uses and purposes in which God has invested the
+ruraldom.
+
+Now, our country friends are mostly desirous, candidly so, to have their
+city friends come and see them--not merely pop visits, but bring your
+whole family, and stay a month! This they may do, and will do, and can
+afford it, as it is more convenient to one's pocket-book, on a farm, to
+_quarter_ a platoon of your friends than to perform the same operation
+in the city, where it is apt to give your purse the tick-dollar-owe in
+no time.
+
+It was not long since, during the prevalence of a hot summer, that Mrs.
+Triangle one morning said to her stewing husband, who was in no wise
+troubled with a surplus of the circulating medium--
+
+"Triangle, it's on-possible for us to keep the children well and quiet
+through this dreadful hot weather. We must go into the country. The
+Joneses and Pigwigginses and Macwackinses, and--and--everybody has gone
+out into the country, and we must go, too; why can't we?"
+
+"Why can't we?" mechanically echoed Triangle, who just then was deeply
+absorbed in a problem as to whether or not, considering the prices of
+coal, potatoes, house-rents, leather, and "dry goods," he would fetch up
+in prison or the poor-house first! It was a momentous question, and to
+his wife's proposal of a fresh detail of domestic expense, Triangle
+responded--
+
+"Why can't we?"
+
+"Yes, that's what I'd like to know--why can't _we_?"
+
+"We _can't_, Mrs. Triangle," decidedly answered her lord and master.
+
+Now Mrs. T., being but a woman, very naturally went on to give Mr. T. a
+Caudle lecture half an hour long, winding up with one of those
+time-honored perquisites of the female sex--a good cry.
+
+Poor Triangle put on his hat and marched down to his bake-oven of an
+"office," to plan business and smoke his cigar. Triangle came home to
+tea, and saw at a glance that something must be done. Mrs. Triangle was
+to be "compromised," or far hotter than even the hot, hot weather would
+be his domicile for the balance of the season. Triangle thought it over,
+as he nibbled his toast and sipped his hot Souchong.
+
+"My dear," said he, pushing aside his cup, and tilting himself upon the
+"hind legs" of his chair--"business is very dull, the weather is
+intolerable, I know you and the children would be much benefitted by a
+trip into the country--why can't we go?"
+
+"Why can't we?--that's what I'd like to know!" was the ready response of
+Mrs. T.
+
+"Well, we can go. My friend Jingo has as fine a place in the country as
+ever was, anywhere; he has asked me again and again to come down in the
+summer, and bring all the family. Now we'll go; Jingo will be delighted
+to see us; and we'll have a good, pleasant time, I'll warrant."
+
+Mrs. Triangle was delighted; soon all the clouds of her temper were
+dispersed, and like people "cut out for each other," Triangle and his
+wife sat and planned the details of the tour to Jingo Hill Farm.
+Frederic Antonio Gustavus was to be rigged out in new boots, hat, and
+breeches. Maria Evangeline Roxana Matilda was to be fitted out in Polka
+boots, gipsey bonnet, and Bloomer pantalettes, with an entire invoice of
+handkerchiefs, scarfs, ribbons, gloves, and hosiery for "mother," little
+Georgiana Victorine Rosa Adelaide, and _the baby_, Henry Rinaldo
+Mercutio. After three days' onslaught upon poor Triangle's pockets, with
+any quantity of "fuss and feathers," Mrs. Triangle pronounced the
+caravan ready to move. But just as all was ready, Bridget Durfy, the
+maid-of-all-work, who was to accompany them on the expedition as
+supervisor of the children, threw up her engagement.
+
+"Plaze the pigs," said Biddy; "it's mesilf as niver likes the counthry,
+at all; an' I'll jist be afther not goin', ma'm, wid yez!"
+
+Here was a go--or rather a "no go!" Triangle had bought tickets for all,
+and ordered the carriage at four; it was now three P. M., of a hot,
+roasting day. It would be "on-possible," as Mrs. T. said, to go without
+a girl; so poor, sweltering Triangle rushed down to the "Intelligence
+Office," where, from the sweating mass of female humanity awaiting a
+market for their time and labor, Triangle selected a stout, hearty Irish
+_blonde_, warranted perfect, capable, kind, honest, and the Lord only
+knows how many virtues the keeper of an "Intelligence Office" will not
+swear belong to one of their stock in trade.
+
+Away went Triangle, sweating and swearing; the Irish maiden, swinging a
+bundle in one hand and a flaring _bandanna_ in the other, following
+after her patron with a duck-waddle; and finally the carriage came; all
+got in but Triangle, who started on foot to the depot, carrying his
+double-barrelled gun and leading an ugly dog, which he rejoiced in
+believing was a full-blooded _setter_, though the best posted
+dog-fanciers assured him it was a cross between a tan-yard cur and a
+sheep-stealer! But, after a world of motion and commotion--on the part
+of Triangle, about the dog, tickets and baggage, and Mrs. Triangle,
+about the children, satchels, her new gown, and the sleepy Irish
+girl--they found themselves whisked over the rails, and after some three
+hours' carriage, they were dumped down in the vicinity of Jingo Hall,
+where they found the "private conveyance" of the proprietor of Jingo
+Hill Farm waiting to carry them, bandbox and bundle, rag-tag and
+bobtail, to Jingo Hall.
+
+The carriage being overfull, Triangle concluded to walk up, stretch his
+legs, try his dog and gun, and have a pop at the game. But, alas, for
+the villanous dog; no sooner had he got loose and scampered off up the
+road, than he sees a flock of sheep some distance across the fields, and
+away he pitched. The sheep ran, he after the sheep; and poor Triangle
+after his dog.
+
+"Hay! you Ponto--here--hay--Ponto-o-o! Hey, boy, come here, you dog--hi!
+hi!--do you hear-r-r?"
+
+But Ponto was off, and after a run of half a mile, he came up with a
+lamb, and before Triangle could come to the rescue, Ponto had opened the
+campaign by killing sheep! Triangle was so put out about it that in
+wrath he up with his gun and was about to terminate the existence of the
+dog, but compromised the matter by hitting him a whack across the back
+with the barrels of his shooting-iron; in doing so, he broke off the
+stock, clean as a whistle! It is useless to deny that Triangle _was_
+mad; that he swore equal to an Erie Canal boatman; and that his fury so
+alarmed the dog that he took to his heels and went--as Triangle
+hoped--anywhere, head foremost.
+
+[Illustration: "With a presence of mind truly unparalleled, she laid
+down 'baby' upon the grass, and made fight with 'the spiteful
+craturs.'"--_Page_ 169.]
+
+With a face as long as a boot-jack, quite tuckered out and disgusted
+with things as far as he had got, Triangle reached Jingo Hall, where he
+met the warm welcome of his friend, Major Jingo, and soon recuperated
+his good humor and physical activity by the contents of the Major's
+"well-stocked" _wine-cellar_. Ashamed of the facts of the case, Triangle
+trumped up a cock-and-bull story about the dog and gun.
+
+After a season, the Triangles got settled away, and the first day or two
+passed without anything extraordinary turning up, if we may except the
+upturning of several flower-pots and hen's nests by the children. But
+the third day opened ominously. Triangle's dog was found with one of the
+Major's dead lambs under convoy, and the Irish hostler had caught him,
+tied him up in the stable, and given him such a dressing that Ponto's
+soul-case was nearly beaten out of him!
+
+The next item was a yowl in the garden! Everybody rushed out--Mrs.
+Triangle in her excitement, lest something had happened to "baby," and
+Nora, the girl, struck the centre-table, upset the "Astral," and not
+only demolished that ancient piece of furniture, but spilled enough
+thick oil over the gilt-edged literature, table-cloth, and carpet, to
+make a barrel of soft soap.
+
+The Irish girl came bounding, screeching forth! She had been sauntering
+through the garden, and ran against the bee-hives, when a bee up and at
+her. With a presence of mind truly unparalleled, she laid down "baby"
+upon the grass, and made fight with "the spiteful craturs;" and of
+course she got her hands full, was beset by tens and hundreds, and was
+stung in as many places by the pugnacious "divils." Nora was done for.
+She went to bed; "baby" was found all right, laughing "fit to break its
+yitty hearty party, at naughty Nora Dory," as Mrs. Triangle very
+naturally expressed it.
+
+These two tableaux had hardly reached their climax, when in rushed
+Frederic Antonio Gustavus, with his capacious apron full of "birds he
+killed in the yard, down by the barns." Poor Jingo! and we may add, poor
+Mrs. Jingo! for a favorite brood of the finest fowls in the country had
+been exterminated by the chivalrous young Triangle, and in the bloom of
+his heroic act he dropped the dead game at the feet of his
+horror-stricken mother, and astonished father, and the Jingos.
+
+That night the effect of stuffing with green fruit to utter suffocation
+manifested itself in a general and alarming cholera-morbus among the
+junior Triangles, and the whole house was up in arms.
+
+In the midst of this, a fresh clamor broke out in Nora's chamber. A huge
+bat had got into her room, and so alarmed her, that she yelled worse,
+louder, and longer than seven evil ones.
+
+It was a night of horror to the whole family--to everybody in and about
+Jingo Hall. The dogs set up a howl; the children bawled, cried, and took
+on; the Irish girl screeched; gin and laudanum, peppermint and
+"lollypops," the de'il to pay and no pitch hot.
+
+Triangle felt relieved when daylight came, and had it not been Sunday,
+he would have packed up and put back for the prosy office and stagnated
+quietude of the city. But it was Sunday, and after the children, Irish
+girl, and dogs had been partially quieted, down the carriage came to the
+door, and as many as could get into it of the Jingos and Triangles,
+rolled off to meeting.
+
+Triangle and Jingo went to escape the din and noise of dressing "the
+babies," &c.; and after the service was over, poor Triangle was taken
+aside by a tall, bony man, who reported himself in no very ceremonious
+manner as the proprietor of a flock of sheep scared to death, and one
+rare lamb killed--"by your dog!" Triangle owned to the soft impeachment,
+and "compromised" for a V.
+
+Returned to Jingo Hall, another _coup d'etat_ all around the lot had
+broken out. Evangeline Roxana Matilda Triangle had disappeared. The
+baby, Georgiana Victorine Rosa Adelaide, had fallen from a swing in the
+grove and dislocated her wrist, and flattened her pretty nose quite to
+her pretty face. Baby was very ill, and from the groans issuing from
+Nora's attic, it was not _on-possible_ that she was sick as she could
+be. A general search took place for Evangeline Roxana Matilda, while
+Maj. Jingo mounted a horse and rode over to the village, to bring down a
+doctor for Georgiana Victorine Rosa Adelaide, "the baby," and--Nora
+Dougherty.
+
+A glance at the Irish girl convinced poor _tried_ Triangle that she was
+a case--of small-pox.
+
+Maj. Jingo returned, but without a medical adviser; the village
+Esculapius having gone off to the city. Things looked gloomy enough.
+Triangle felt "chawed up," and wished he had been roasted alive in the
+city before venturing upon such a trip. But he felt he had a duty to
+perform, and he determined to put it through.
+
+"Major, I'm very sorry, but the fact is"----
+
+"Never mind, never mind, my dear fellow--no trouble to us."
+
+"But," chokingly continued poor Triangle, "but, Major, the fact is,
+I--a--you've got a large family"----
+
+"Never mind, my dear boy; don't say any more about it."
+
+"But to have the--a--the--small-pox"----
+
+"What?" gasped the Major--"the--a"----
+
+"Small-pox!" seriously enough responded Triangle.
+
+"Small-pox! Who? Where?"
+
+"Our Irish girl--up stairs--awful!"
+
+"O, good Lord! Irish--up stairs--small-pox!" reiterated the really
+alarmed proprietor of Jingo Hall.
+
+"I wouldn't have"--said Triangle.
+
+"The small-pox in my house"--echoed Jingo.
+
+"For all the blessed countries in the world!" passionately exclaimed
+Triangle.
+
+"Heavens!" exclaimed the Major; "my wife has a greater dread of
+small-pox than yellow fever, or death itself!"
+
+"What's to be done?" said poor Triangle.
+
+"Remove the girl to an out-house, instantly!" said the Major, pacing up
+and down, in great _furore_.
+
+"That's best, Major; go move her, at once."
+
+"Me? Me move her, sir?" said Jingo.
+
+"Why who will, Major?" responded Triangle.
+
+"Who? Why, you, of course."
+
+"Me?" exclaimed Triangle--"me? endanger my life, and the lives of all my
+family--me? No, sir, I'll--I'll--I'll be hanged if I do!"
+
+"Blur a' nouns, zur!" bawled the Irish hostler, as he came trotting up
+to the front veranda, where Triangle and Jingo were discussing the
+transportation of small-pox--
+
+"Blur a' nouns--the dog's loose!"
+
+"Curse the dog!" said the Major.
+
+"But, zur, it's raving mad, he is!"
+
+"Mad! my dog?" cries Triangle.
+
+"A mad dog, too!" exclaims the Major, in horror.
+
+"O, too bad--horrible--wish I'd never seen"----
+
+"Get your gun, quick--come on!" cried the Major.
+
+"But, my dear Major, my gun's broke all to smash. O! that I had shot the
+blasted brute instead of breaking my gun!"
+
+"Come on--never mind--seize a club, fork, or anything, and hunt around
+for the cursed dog. He'll bite some of our people, horses, or cattle."
+And away ran the Major, with a bit of stick about the size of a
+fence-rail. Paddy made himself scarce, and Triangle, in agony, flew
+around to hunt up his daughter, whom they found asleep in a
+summer-house.
+
+Mrs. Major Jingo, when she heard that the Irish girl had introduced the
+small-pox on Jingo Hill, liked to have fainted away; but, conquering her
+weakness, she ordered the carriage, and bundled herself and four
+children into it, so full of terror and alarm that she never so much as
+said--"Take care of yourself, Mrs. Triangle!" Maj. Jingo returned, after
+a fruitless search for Triangle's mad dog, and just as he entered the
+hall, the Irish girl came rushing down stairs, crying--
+
+"O! murther, murther! I'm dead as a door-nail, entirely, wid dese pains
+in my face. Be gorra! O, murther!"
+
+One look at the swollen and truly frightful face of the girl put the
+Major to his _taps_; and stopping but a moment to tell Triangle to make
+out the best he could, he left.
+
+Next morning, bag and baggage, the Triangles _vamosed_. The poor girl
+having recovered from her attack of the bees, which had led to the alarm
+of small-pox, looked quite respectable. Never did a party enjoy _home_
+more completely than the Triangles after that. Triangle has a holy
+horror of trips to the country, and the Jingos are down on visitors from
+the city.
+
+
+
+
+Jake Hinkle's Failings.
+
+
+In the village of Washington, Fayette Co., Ohio, there was a transient
+sort of a personage, a kind of floating farmer, named Hinkle,--Jacob
+Hinkle,--commonly called _Old Jake Hinkle_. Jake was, originally, a
+Dutchman, a Pennsylvania, Lancaster County Dutchman; and that was about
+_as_ Dutch as Holland and Sour Krout could well make a human "critter."
+Well, Jake Hinkle owned, or had squatted on, a small patch of land, just
+beyond old Mother Rodger's "bottom," that is, about a mile east of the
+"Rattle Snake Fork" of Paint Creek, which, every thundering fool out
+West knows, empties itself into--"Big Paint," which finally rolls out
+into the Muskingum, and thence into the Ohio. Very well, having settled
+the geographical position of Jake Hinkle, let me go on to state what
+kind of a critter Jake was, and how it came about that he was pronounced
+dead, one cold morning, and how he came up to town and denied the
+assertion.
+
+Jake Hinkle loved corn, lived on it, as most people do in the interior
+of Ohio and Kentucky; he loved _corn_, but loved corn whiskey more, and
+this love, many a time, brought Jake up to "the Court House" of
+Washington, through rain, hail and snow, to get a nipper, fill his jug,
+and go home. Now, in the West it is a custom more honored in the breach
+than in the observance, perhaps, for grog shops of the village to play
+all sorts of fantastic tricks upon old codgers who come up to town, or
+down to town, hitch their horses to the fence, and there let the
+"critters" stand, from 10 A. M. to 12 P. M., more or less, and longer.
+The most popular dodge is, to shave the horse's tail, turn it loose,
+and let it go home. Of course, _that_ horse is not soon seen in the
+village again, as a horse with a shored tail is about the meanest thing
+to look at, except a singed possum, or a dandy--you ever did see.
+
+One very cold night, in January, '39, Jake Hinkle came down to the
+"Court House," hitched his horse to the Court Square fence, and made a
+straight bend for Sanders' "Grocery," and began to "wood up." Old Jake's
+tongue was a perfect bell-clapper, and when well oiled with corn juice,
+could rip into the high and low Dutch like a nor'easter into a field of
+broom corn. Jake talked and talked, and drank and talked, and about
+midnight, the cocks crowing, the stars winking and blinking, and the
+wind nipping and whistling around the grocery, Sanders notified Jake and
+others that he was going to shut up the concern, and the crowd must be
+"putting out." Jake made a break for his nag, but she was gone. "Why,"
+says Jake, "she's broke der pridle and gone home, and by skure I shall
+walk,"--and off Jake put, through the cold and mud.
+
+Next morning, when the Circleville stage came along between old Marm
+Rodger's "bottom," and the Rattle Snake Fork of Paint, the driver
+discovered poor old Jake laid out, stiff and cold as a wedge! Alas, poor
+old Jake! Gone! Quite a gloom hung over the "grocery;" Jake was an
+inoffensive, good old fellow, nobody denied that, and certain young
+"fellers" who had shaved the tail of Jake's mare the night previous, and
+set her loose, now felt sort of sorry for the deed. The editor of the
+"Argus of Freedom" came down to the "grocery," to get his morning "nip,"
+heard the news, went back to his office, "set up" Jake's obituary
+notice, pitched in a few sorrowful phrases, and then put his paper to
+press; that afternoon, the whole edition, of some two hundred copies,
+were distributed around among the subscribers and "dead heads," and Jake
+Hinkle was pronounced stone dead--_pegged out!_
+
+Two or three days afterwards, a man covered with mud and sweat, came
+rushing into Washington. He paused not, nor turned not right or left,
+until he found the office of the "Argus of Freedom," where he rushed in,
+and confronting the editor, he spluttered forth:--
+
+"You der printer of dish paper,--der noosh paper?"
+
+"Yes," says the 'responsible,' "I am the man," looking a little wild.
+
+"Vell, bine de great Jehosaphat, what for you'n make me deat?"
+
+"Me? Make you dead?" says the no little astonished editor.
+
+"Yaas!" bawled old Jake, for it was he--"You'n tell de people I diet;
+_it's a lie!_ And do you neber do it again, and fool de peeples, _witout
+you git a written order from me!_"
+
+That editor, ever afterwards, insisted on seeing the funeral before he
+recorded an obituary notice.
+
+
+
+
+What's Going to Happen.
+
+
+In fifty years the steam engine will be as old a notion, and as queer an
+invention, as the press Ben. Franklin worked is now. In fifty years,
+copper-plate, steel-plate, lithography, and other fine engravings, will
+be multiplied for a mere song, in a beautiful manner, by the now
+infantile art of _Daguerreotyping_. A passage to California will then be
+accomplished in twenty-four hours, by air carriages and electricity; or,
+perhaps, they'll go in buckets down Artesian holes, _clean through the
+earth!_ The arts of agriculture and horticulture will produce hams ready
+roasted, natural pies, baked with all sorts of _cookies_. About that
+time, a man may live forever at a cent a day, and sell for all he's
+worth at last--for soap fat!
+
+
+
+
+The Washerwoman's Windfall.
+
+
+Some years ago, there lived, dragged and toiled, in one of our "Middle
+States," or Southern cities, and old lady, named Landon, the widow of a
+lost sea captain; and as a dernier resort, occurring in many such cases,
+with a family of children to provide for,--the father and husband cut
+off from life and usefulness, leaving his family but a stone's cast from
+indigence,--the mother, to keep grim poverty from famishing her hearth
+and desolating her home, took in gentlemen's washing. Her eldest child,
+a boy of some twelve years old, was in the habit of visiting the largest
+hotels in the city, where he received the finer pieces of the gentlemen's
+apparel, and carried them to his mother. They were done up, and returned
+by the lad again.
+
+It was in mid-winter, cold and dreary season for the poor--travel was
+slack, and few and far between were the poor widow's receipts from her
+drudgery.
+
+"To-morrow," said the widow, as she sat musing by her small fire,
+"to-morrow is Saturday; I have not a stick of wood, pound of meal, nor
+dollar in the world, to provide food or warmth for my children over
+Sunday."
+
+"But, mother," responded her 'main prop,' George, the eldest boy, "that
+gentleman who gave me the half dollar for going to the bank for him,
+last week,--you know him we washed for at the United States Hotel,--said
+he was to be here again to-morrow. I was to call for his clothes; so I
+will go, mother, to-morrow; maybe he will have another errand for me, or
+some money--he's got so much money in his trunk!"
+
+"So, indeed, you said, good child; it's well you thought of it," said
+the poor woman.
+
+Next day the lad called at the hotel, and sure enough, the strange
+gentleman had arrived again. He appeared somewhat bothered, but quickly
+gathering up some of his soiled clothes, gave them to the lad, and bade
+him tell his mother to wash and return them that evening by all means.
+
+"Alas! that I cannot do," said the widow, as her son delivered the
+message. "My dear child, I have neither fire to dry them, nor money to
+procure the necessary fuel."
+
+"Shall I take the clothes back again, mother, and tell the gentleman you
+can't dry them in time for him?"
+
+"No, son. I must wash and dry them--we must have money to-day, or we'll
+freeze and starve--I must wash and dry these clothes," said the
+disconsolate widow, as she immediately went about the performance, while
+her son started to a neighboring coopering establishment, to get a
+basket of chips and shavings to make fire sufficient to dry and iron the
+clothes.
+
+The clothes were duly tumbled into a great tub of water, and the poor
+woman began her manipulations. After a time, in handling a vest, the
+widow felt a knot of something in the breast pocket. She turned the
+pocket, and out fell a little mass of almost pulpy paper. She carefully
+unrolled the saturated bunch--she started--stared; the color from her
+wan cheeks went and came! Her two little children, observing the wild
+looks and strange actions of the mother, ran to her, screaming:
+
+"Dear--dear mother! Mother, what's the matter?"
+
+"Hush-h-h!" said she; "run, dear children--lock the door--lock the door!
+no, no, never mind. I a--I a--feel--dizzy!"
+
+The alarmed children clung about the mother's knees in great affright,
+but the widow, regaining her composure, told them to sit down and play
+with their little toys, and not mind her. The cause of this sudden
+emotion was the unrolling of five five hundred dollar bills. They were
+very wet--nearly "used up," in fact--but still significant of vast,
+astounding import to the poor and friendless woman. She was
+amazed--honor and poverty were struggling in her breast. Her poverty
+cried out, "You are made up--rich--wash no more--fly!" But then the poor
+woman's honor, more powerful than the tempting wealth in her
+hands--triumphed! She laid the wet notes in a book, and again set about
+her washing.
+
+About this time, quite a different scene was being enacted at the hotel.
+The gentleman so anxious that his clothes should be returned that
+evening, was no other than a famous counterfeiter and forger; and it
+happened, that the day previous, in a neighboring city, he had committed
+a forgery, drawn some four or five thousand dollars, had the greater
+part of the notes exchanged--and, with the exception of the five large
+bills hurriedly thrust into the vest pocket, and which he had sent to
+the poor laundress, there was little available evidence of the forgery
+in his possession. The widow's son had scarcely left the traveller's
+room with the clothes, when in came two policemen. The forger was not
+arrested as a principal, but certain barely suspicious circumstances had
+led to an investigation of him and his effects.
+
+"You are our prisoner, sir!" said one of the policemen, as a servant
+opened the door to let them in.
+
+"Me! What for?" was the quick response of the forger.
+
+"That you will learn in due season; at present we wish to examine your
+person and effects."
+
+The forger started--his heart beat with the rapidity of galvanic
+pulsation--the evidence of part of his villany was, as he supposed,
+among his effects. It was a moment of terror to him, but it passed like
+a flash, and in a gay and careless tone, he quickly replied:
+
+"O, very well, gentlemen--go ahead. There are my keys and
+baggage--search, and look around. I have no idea what you are
+after--probably you'll find." In a low tone, he continued, to himself,
+"By heavens, how lucky! that boy has saved me!"
+
+A considerable amount of money was found upon the forger, but none that
+could be identified, and after a long and wearisome private examination
+at the police court, he was discharged. He returned to the hotel, and
+shortly afterwards the lad made his appearance with the clothes,
+presenting him with a small roll of damp paper, saying:
+
+"Here, sir, is something mother found in one of your pockets. She thinks
+it may be valuable to you, sir, and she is sorry it was wet."
+
+The forger started, as though the little roll of wet money had been a
+serpent the lad was holding towards him.
+
+"No, no, my little man; return it to your mother; tell her to dry it
+carefully, and that I will call and see her to-night, when she can
+return the little parcel."
+
+George stood, his cap in one hand, and the other upon the door-knob; the
+man was much agitated, and perceiving the lad lingered, he thrust his
+hand into a carpet-bag, and hauling forth an old-fashioned wallet, he
+opened it, and taking thence a coin, put it in the hands of the lad and
+requested him to run home to his mother and deliver the message
+immediately. The lad did as he was ordered; and the poor washerwoman,
+the while, sat in her humble and ill-provided home, patiently awaiting
+the return of her boy, and fearing the anger of the gentleman at the
+hotel, when he should find his bank notes nearly, if not quite
+destroyed, would probably so indispose him towards the child that he
+would return empty-handed. But no; as the quick tread of the blithesome
+lad smote upon the widow's ear, she rushed to the door to receive him.
+
+"Dear son, was the gentleman very angry?"
+
+"Angry, dear mother? No! he was far from angry. He said you must dry
+these papers, and he would call to-night for them. And here, dear
+mother, he gave me a large piece of beautiful yellow money!" And the
+dutiful boy placed a golden doubloon in the trembling hand of the
+overjoyed mother. They were saved--the golden coin soon made the widow's
+domicil cheerful and happy.
+
+It is almost needless to say, the five notes were not called for. They
+laid in the widow's bureau drawer two entire years, when a friend to the
+poor woman negotiated for their exchange into a dwelling-house and small
+store. And to this little incident does a certain elderly lady and her
+family owe their present prosperous and perfectly honorable position in
+the respectable society of the city of ----.
+
+
+
+
+We don't Wonder at It.
+
+
+In the city, we get so many new _kicks_, and put on so many new ways of
+living and doing up things, that no wonder the quiet and matter-of-fact
+country folks make awkward mistakes, and get mixed up with our
+conventionalities, and other doings. Dining at the American, last week,
+we sat _vis-a-vis_ with an old-fashioned agricultural gent, whose plate
+of mock turtle remained cooling for some time, while he was busy
+thinking over a silver four-pronged fork in his hand. At length a broad
+smile played over his manly features, as the novel-makers say, and he
+opened--
+
+"Well, I'm jiggered!--ha! ha! _they've got to eating soup with split
+spoons, too!_"
+
+
+
+
+Old Maguire and his Horse Bonny Doon.
+
+
+Few animals possess the sagacity of the horse; passive and obedient,
+they are easily trained; bring them up the way you want them to go, and
+they'll go it! The horse in his old age does not forget the precepts of
+his youth. A very touching anecdote is told of a horse, in the cavalry
+service of the British army, during Napoleon's time. After the battle of
+Waterloo, when the combined force of Europe, through chicanery--not
+valor--defeated the greatest soldier the world ever saw, the British
+army was cut down, rank and file--Napoleon having promised to "be a good
+boy," and let 'em alone in future. Among the _cut offs_, was a troop of
+horse, and in this troop was an old veteran Bucephalus, who had stood
+and made charges, smelt fire and brimstone, faced phalanxes of bayonets,
+and clashed rough-shod over many bloody fields, besides Waterloo,--this
+old fellow was turned out to grass--cashiered. When the balance of his
+retained companions in saddle were leaving the town where the
+dismemberment had taken place, the old war horse was quietly grazing in
+a field; the troop passed--the bugler "sounded his horn," and in less
+than forty winks the old old horse was up, off, over fences, and in the
+front ranks! The tenacity with which he clung to his place in the column
+caused--says the historian--the officers and men to shed tears.
+
+So much by way of a prelude. Now for old Maguire and his horse. Some
+years ago, in the interior of Ohio, there did live an old Irish
+jintleman, who not only had a fine estate, but likewise a saw-mill, and
+as fine an old black mare as ever the rays of a noonday's sun lit down
+upon. "Bonny Doon," Maguire's old mare, was a wonderful "critter;" she
+opened gates, let down bars, seized the pump handle by her teeth, and
+actually extracted water from the barn-yard well, with all the facility
+of a regular double-fisted _genus homo_. As a sly old joker, she had
+performed various tricks, such as nipping off the tails of sucking
+calves, catching chickens in her manger, and making various pieces of
+them, and kicking in the ribs of strange dogs and horned cattle. But to
+the eccentric habits and bacchanalian customs of her ex-military master,
+the old mare's dormant talents owed their "fetching out."
+
+Old "Captain Maguire" had served with credit to himself and honor to the
+State, in her early struggles against the Indians and French Canadians.
+"Bonny Doon" was then in her "fille"-hood, and probably the most
+beautiful, as well as the most saucy jade, in the frontier army. Some
+twenty-five years had passed, and still the old captain and the mare
+were about, every-day cronies, for the old man no more thought of
+walking fifty rods, premeditatedly, than a South Carolina dandy would
+dream of the possibility of getting a glass of water without the
+immediate assistance of a son of Ethiopia! The old man had become
+possessed of wealth as well as years--was likewise the progenitor of a
+large and flourishing family, of the finest looking men and women in the
+State, and having gotten all things in this pleasant kind of train, he
+"laid off" in perfect lavender. The old captain's farm was about four
+miles from the large and flourishing town of Z----, and here the captain
+spent most of his time. Riding in on "Bonny Doon," in the morning, and
+hitching her to the sign-post, the poor beast would stand there--unless
+taken in by the ostler or others--until midnight, while the captain
+swigged whiskey, and smoked his pipe in the tavern. Yet "Bonny Doon's"
+affection for her old master did not flag; she waited patiently until he
+came--her mane and long tail would then switch about, while she'd
+"snigger eout" with gladness at his coming, and carry the old man
+through rain or snow, moonshine, or total darkness, over corduroy
+railroads, bridges, ravines, and last, though by no means least, over
+the narrow plank-way of Captain Maguire's saw-mill dam, while the waters
+on each side foamed and roared like a mountain torrent, and while the
+old man was either asleep or his hat so full of "bricks," that he was
+about as difficult to balance in the saddle as a sack of potatoes or
+Turk's Island salt! A better citizen, when sober, never paid taxes or
+trod sole leather in that State, than old Captain Maguire; but when he
+was "up the tree," a little sprung, or _tight_, as you may say, he was
+ugly enough, and chock full of wolf and brimstone! One day the captain
+was summoned to attend court, and testify in a case wherein his evidence
+was to give a lift to the suit of a neighbor, for whom the old man
+entertained a most lively disgust and very unchristianly hate. The old
+man, finding that he must go, went. He wet his whistle several times
+before starting, repeated the dose several times before he reached the
+Court House, and about the time he supposed he was wanted, he mounted
+"Bonny Doon," and started, full chisel, up the steps, through the entry,
+and into the crowded Court room, just in the nick of time.
+
+"Robert Maguire! Robert Maguire! Robert----"
+
+"Be the help o' Moses, _I'm here!_" roared the captain, in response to
+the crier.
+
+And sure enough, he wasn't anywhere else! There he sat, stiff, and
+formal as a bronze statue of some renowned military chieftain, on a
+pot-metal war steed. Some laughed, others stepped out of the way of the
+mare's heels, judge and jury "riz," some of the oldest sinners in law
+practice looked quite "skeery," doubtless taking the old captain and his
+black charger for quite a different individual! It was some time before
+order and decorum were restored, as it was much easier for the judge to
+_order_ Captain Maguire to be arrested for his freak, than to do it,
+"Bonny Doon" not being disposed to let any man approach her head or
+heels. They shut the captain up, finally, for contempt of court, and
+fined him twenty dollars, but he escaped the disagreeable attitude of
+sustaining the suit of an enemy. At another time, the captain, being on
+a _time_, dashed into a meeting-house, running in at one door, and slap
+bang out at the other! This feat of Camanche horsemanship rather alarmed
+the whole congregation, and cost the captain five twenties! Riding into
+bar rooms and stores was a common performance of "Bonny Doon" and her
+master; and he had even gone so far as to run the mare up two entire
+flights of stairs of the principal hotel, dashing into a room where "a
+native" was shivering in bed with the fever and ague; but the noise and
+sudden appearance of a man and horse in such high latitudes effected a
+permanent and speedy cure; the fright like to have destroyed the
+sufferer's crop of hair, but the "a-gy" was skeered clean out of his
+emaciated body.
+
+After a variety of adventures by flood and field, of hair-breadth
+'scapes, and eccentricities of man and beast, they parted! "Bonny Doon"
+being about the only living spectator of her master's end. This tragic
+denouement came about one cold, stormy and snowy night, when few men,
+and as few beasts, would willingly or without pressing occasion, expose
+themselves to the pitiless storm. The old captain had been in town all
+day, with "Bonny Doon" hitched to the horse block, and being full of
+"distempering draughts," as Shakspeare modestly terms it, and malicious
+bravery in the midst of the great storm, late in the evening he mounted
+his half-starved and as near frozen mare, to go home.
+
+"Better stay all night, captain," coaxed some friend.
+
+"Hills are icy, and hollows filled with snow," suggested the landlord.
+
+"I wouldn't ride out to your place to-night, captain, for a seat in
+Congress!" rejoined the first speaker.
+
+"Ye wouldn't?" replied the captain. "And--and no wonder ye wouldn't, fer
+not a divil iv ye's iver had the horse as could carry ye's over me road
+th' night. Look at that! There's the baste can do it!--d'ye see that?"
+and as the old man, reeling in the saddle, jammed the rowels of his
+heavy spurs into the flanks of the mare, she nearly stood erect, and
+chafed her bits as fiery and mettled as though just from her oats and
+warm stable, and fifteen years kicked off.
+
+"Boys," bawled the captain, "here's the ould mare that can thravel up a
+frozen mountain, slide down a greased rainbow, and carry ould Captain
+Maguire where the very ould divil himsilf couldn't vinture his dirty
+ould body. Hoo-o-oo-oop! I'm gone, boys!"
+
+And he was off, gone, too; for the old man never reached the threshold
+of his domicil.--Next morning Captain Maguire was found in the mill-dam,
+entirely dead, with poor "Bonny Doon," nearly frozen, and scarcely able
+to walk or move, standing near him. But there she stood, upon the narrow
+icy way over the dam, and from appearances of the snow and planks of the
+little bridge, the faithful mare had pawed, scraped, and endeavored by
+various means to rescue her master. The manner of the catastrophe was
+evident; the old man had become sleepy, and frozen, and while the poor
+mare was feeling her way over the icy and snow-covered bridge, her
+master had slipped off into the frozen dam, and no doubt she would have
+dragged him out, could she have reached him. As it was, she stood a
+faithful sentinel over her lost master, and did not survive him
+long,--the cold and her evident sorrow ended the eventful life of "Bonny
+Doon."
+
+
+
+
+Getting into the "Right Pew."
+
+
+New Year's day is some considerable "pumpkins" in many parts of the
+United States. In the Western States, they have horse-racing,
+shooting-matches, quilting-frolics and grand hunting parties. In the
+South, the week beginning with Christmas and ending with New Year's day,
+is devoted to the largest liberty by the negroes, who have one grand and
+extensive _saturnalia_, visit their friends and relations, make love to
+the "gals" on neighboring plantations, spend the little change saved
+through the year, or now and then given to them by indulgent or generous
+masters, and in fact have a glorious good time! The holidays in New
+Orleans, and in Louisiana generally, is _a time_, and no mistake. The
+old French and Spanish families keep open house--dinners and suppers,
+music, song and dance. On New Year's eve, they decorate the graves of
+their friends with flowers. Lamps or lanterns are often required for
+this purpose, and as you pass the silent grave-yards, it is indeed a
+novel sight to see the many glimmering lights about the tombs of the
+departed. In most of the South-Western towns, the day is given up to fun
+and frolic. The Philadelphians have a great blow out. The streets are
+filled by holiday-looking people, children with toys and "mint
+sticks"--making the air resound with tin trumpets and penny whistles.
+The men and boys used to load up every thing in the shape of cannons,
+guns, pistols and hollow keys, and bang away from sunset until sunrise,
+keeping up a racket, din and uproar, equal to the bombardment of a
+citadel. The authorities stopped that, and now the civil young men kill
+the night and day in dancing, feasting, and attending the amusements,
+the multitude of rowdies passing their time in concocting and carrying
+on street fights and running with the engines.
+
+But the New Yorkers _bang_ the whole of them; bear witness, O ye New
+Year's doings I have there seen. Visiting your friends, and your
+friends' friends. Open houses every where! "Drop in and take a glass of
+wine or bit of cake, if nothing else"--that's the word. Jeremy Diddlers
+flourish, marriageable daughters and interesting widows set their caps
+for the nice young men, the streets are noisy and full of confusion, the
+theatres and show-shops generally reap an elegant harvest, and the
+police reports of the second morning of the New Year swell monstrously!
+Of a New Year's adventure of an innocent young acquaintance of mine, I
+have a little story to tell.
+
+Jeff. Jones was caught, at a New Year's dinner in New York, by the
+fascinating grace and _cap_-tivating head-gear of a certain young widow,
+who had a fine estate. Jeff. was what you might call a good boy; he had
+never seen much of creation, save that lying between Pokeepsie (his
+birth-place) and the Battery, Castle Garden and Bloomingdale. He was a
+clever fellow, fond of rational fun and amusement, kept "a set of books"
+for a mercantile firm in Maiden Lane, dressed well, kept good hours, and
+in all general respects, was--a nice young man. He went with a friend on
+a tour--New Year's day, to make calls. After a number of glasses and
+chunks of cake, feeling altogether beautiful, he found himself in the
+presence of a charming widow, and some two months afterwards, himself
+and the widow, a parson and a brace of male and female friends, Jeff.
+Jones, aged 28, took a partner for life, ergo he hung up his hat in the
+snug domicil of the flourishing widow, who became Mrs. Jeff. Jones,
+thereafter.
+
+Poor Jeff., he found out that there was some truth in the venerable
+saying--all is not gold that glitters. The charming widow was seriously
+inclined to wear the inexpressibles; and poor Jeff., being of such a
+gentlemanly, good and easy disposition, scarcely made a struggle for his
+reserved rights. However, things, under such a state of affairs, grew no
+better fast, and as Jeff. Jones had neglected to go around and see the
+elephant before marriage, he came to the conclusion to see what was
+going on after that interesting ceremony. In short, Jeff. got to going
+out of nights--kept "bad hours," got blowed up in gentle strains at
+first, but which were promised to be enlarged if Mr. Jones did not mind
+his Ps. and Qs.
+
+The third anniversary of Jeff. Jones's annexation to the widow was
+coming around. It was New Year's day in the morn; it brought rather
+sober reflections into Jeff.'s mind, on the head of which he thought
+he'd as soon as not--_get tight!_ This notion was pleasing, and dressing
+himself in his best clothes, Jones informed Mrs. J. that he wished to
+call on a few old friends, and would be home to dine and bring some
+friends with him!
+
+"See that you do, then," said Mrs. J., "see that you do, that's all!"
+and she gave Mr. J. "a look" not at all like Miss Juliet's to Mr.
+Romeo--she _spoke_, and she said something.
+
+However, Jones cleared himself; dinner hour arrived, if Jeff. Jones did
+not; Mrs. Jones smiled and chatted, and did the honors of the table with
+rare good grace, but where was Jones?
+
+"He'll be poking in just as dinner is over, and the puddings cold, and
+company preparing to leave; then he'll catch a lecturing."
+
+But don't fret your pretty self, Mrs. Jones--for dinner passed and
+tea-time came, but no Jones. Mrs. Jones began to get snappish, and by
+ten o'clock she had bitten all the ends from her taper fingers, besides
+dreadfully scolding the servants, all around. Mrs. J. finally
+retired--the clock had struck 12, and no Jones was to be seen; Mrs. J.
+was worried out; she could not sleep a blessed wink. She got up again,
+Jones might have met with some dreadful accident! She had not thought of
+that before! Perhaps at that very hour he was in the bottom of the
+Hudson, or in the deep cells of the Tombs! It was awful! Mrs. Jones
+dressed--the house was as still as a church-yard--she put on an old
+hood, and shawl to match, and noiselessly she crept down stairs; and by
+a passage out through the back area into a rear street. Mrs. Jones at the
+dead hour of night determined to seek some information of her husband.
+She had not gotten over a block, or block and a half from her mansion,
+when she spies two men coming along--wing and wing, merry as grigs,
+reeling to and fro, and singing in stentorian notes:
+
+    "A man that is (hic) married (hic) has lost every hope--
+    He's (hic) like a poor (hic) pig with his foot in a rope!
+                        _O-o-o! dear! O-o-o! dear--cracky!_
+    A man that is (hic) married has so (hic) many ills--
+    He's like a (hic) poor fish with a (hic) hook in his gills!
+                        _O-o-o-o! dear! O-o-o-o! dear--cracky!"_
+
+In terror of these roaring bacchanalians, who were slowly approaching
+her, Mrs. Jones stood close in the doorway of a store; the revellers
+parted at the corner of the street, after many asseverations of eternal
+friendship, much noise and twattle. One of the carousers came lumbering
+towards Mrs. J., and she, in some alarm, left her hiding place and
+darted past the midnight brawler; and to her horror, the fellow made
+tracks after her as fast as a drunken man could travel, and that ain't
+slow; for almost any man inside of sixty can run, like blazes, when he
+is scarce able to stand upon his pins because of the quantity of bricks
+in his beaver. Mrs. Jones ran towards her dwelling, but before she could
+reach it, the ruffian at her heels clasped her! Just as she was about to
+give an awful scream, wake up all the neighbors and police ten miles
+around, she saw--_Jones!_ Jeff. Jones, her recreant husband!
+
+It was a moment of awful import--the widow was equal to the crisis,
+however, and governed herself accordingly; proving the truth of some
+dead and gone philosopher who has left it in black and white, that the
+widows are always more than a _match_ for any man in Christendom!
+
+Jones was loving drunk, a stage that terminates and is a near kin to
+total oblivion, in bacchanalian revels. Jones had not the remotest idea
+of where he was--time or persons; his tongue was thick, eyes dull, ideas
+monstrous foggy, and the few sentences he rather unintelligibly uttered,
+were highly spiced with--"my little (hic) angel, you (hic), you (hic)
+live 'bout (hic) here? Can't you ta-take me (hic) home with you, eh?
+My-my old woman (hic) would raise-rai-raise old scratch if I (hic), I
+went home to-to-night. (Hic) I'll, I'll go home (hic) in the morning,
+and (hic) tell her, ha! ha! he! (hic) tell her I've be-be-been to a
+fire!"
+
+"O, the villain," said Mrs. J. to herself; "but I'll be revenged. Come,
+sir, go home with me--I'll take care of you. Come, sir, be careful; this
+way--in here."
+
+"Where the (hic) deuce are--are you going down this (hic) cellar, eh?"
+
+"All right, sir. Come, be careful! don't fall; rest on my arm--there,
+shut the door."
+
+"Why (hic), ha-hang it a--all; get a light--that's a de--ar!"
+
+"Yes, yes; wait a moment, I'll bring you a light."
+
+Mrs. J. having gotten her game bagged, left it in the dark, and retired
+to her bed-chamber. Some of the servants, hearing a noise in the
+basement, got up, stuck their noses out of their rooms, and being
+convinced that a desperate scoundrel was in the house, raised the very
+old boy. Poor Jones, in his efforts to get out, run over pots, pans, and
+chairs, and through him and the servants, the police were alarmed!
+lights were raised, and Jones was arrested for a burglar!
+
+Never was a man better pleased to find himself in his own domicil, than
+Jones! It was all Greek to the watchmen and servants; it was a
+mysterious matter to Jones for a full fortnight--but upon promise of
+ever after spending his new year's at home, Mrs. J. let the cat out of
+the bag. Jones surrendered!
+
+
+
+
+A Circuitous Route.
+
+
+We know several folks who have a way of beating round and boxing the
+compass, from A to Z, and back again, that fairly knocks us into
+smithereens. One of these characters came to us the other day, and in a
+most mysterious manner, with the utmost earnestness, solemnity, and
+_hocus pocus_, says he--
+
+"Cap'n, (winking,) I wanted to see you--(two winks;) the fact of the
+business is, (wink, nod, and double wink,) I've wanted to see you,
+badly; you see, I-a--well, what I-a (two winks)--was about to remark
+(two nods and a short cough),--that is to say, it don't make much
+matter, if-a--(wink, wink, wink;) you see it was in this way,
+I-a--wanted to--a, to tell you that (dreadful lot of winks) I've
+been--not, to be sure, that it's an uncommon-a thing, (nod, cough, and
+forty winks,) but no doubt if I-a--the fact is--"
+
+"Well, what in thunder and rosin is _the fact_, old boy?" says we.
+
+"The fact is, cap'n, I'd a told you at once, but-a--I don't know why
+I--shouldn't tho', (wink on wink,) _have you got two shillings you won't
+want to use to-day_?"
+
+We hadn't!
+
+
+
+
+Major Blink's First Season at Saratoga.
+
+
+"Ha, ha!" said Uncle Joe Blinks, as the subject of summer travel, a
+jaunt somewhere, was being discussed among the regular boarders in Mrs.
+Bamberry's spacious old-fashioned parlors; "Ha! ha! ha! ladies, did Mrs.
+Bamberry ever tell you of _my_ tour to Saratogy Springs?--last summer
+was two years."
+
+"No," said several of us _neuter genders_ who had repeatedly heard all
+about it, but were desirous that those who had not been thus gratified,
+especially the ladies, and particularly a Miss Scarlatina, who was
+_dieting_ for a tour to the famed Springs--"tell us all about it,
+Major."
+
+"Then," said the Major, with his favorite exclamation, "then, by the
+banks of Brandywine, if I don't tell you. You see, last summer was two
+years, I came to the conclusion, that I'd stop off business, altogether,
+brush up a little, and go forth a mite more in the world, and I went. A
+friend of mine, a married man, was going up north to Saratogy, with his
+wife and sister--a plaguy nice young woman, the sister was, too; well, I
+don't know how it was, exactly, but somehow or other, it came into my
+head, especially as my friend Padlock had asked me if I wouldn't like to
+go up to Saratogy--that I'd go, and I went. It was odd enough, to be
+sure," said Uncle Joe, taking a pinch of rappee from his tortoise-shell
+box--"very odd, in fact, but somehow or other, Mrs. Padlock, being in
+poor health, and her sister, a rather volatile and inexperienced young
+woman, you may say--"
+
+"So that you had to _beau_ her along the way, Uncle Joe?" says several
+of the company.
+
+"Well, yes; it was very odd, I don't know how it was, but somehow or
+other, I-a--I-a--"
+
+"Out with it, Uncle Joe--own up; you cottoned to the young lady, gallant
+as possible, eh?" says the gents.
+
+"Ha! ha! it's a very delicate thing, very delicate, I assure you,
+gentlemen, for an old bachelor to be on the slightest terms of intimacy
+with a young--"
+
+"And beautiful!" echoed the company.
+
+"Unexperienced," continued the Major.
+
+"And unprotected," says the chorus.
+
+"Volatile," added the Major.
+
+"And marriageable young lady, like Miss--"
+
+"Miss Catchem," said the Major.
+
+"Catchem!" cried the gents.
+
+"Catchem, that was her name; she was the daughter of a very respectable
+widow," continued the Major.
+
+"A widow's daughter, eh?" said they all, now much interested in Uncle
+Joe's journey to Saratoga, and--but we won't anticipate.
+
+"Of a very respectable widow, whose husband, I believe, was a--but no
+matter, they were of good family, and a--"
+
+"Yes, yes, Uncle Joe," said the ladies, "no doubt of that; go on with
+your story; you paid attention to Miss Catchem; you grew familiar--you
+became mutually pleased with each other, and you finally--well, tell us
+how it all came out, Uncle Joe, do!" they cried.
+
+"Bless me, ladies! You've quite got ahead of my story--altogether! Miss
+Catchem and I never spoke a word to each other in our lives," said the
+Major.
+
+"Why, Uncle Joe!" cried the whole party.
+
+"By banks of Brandywine, it's a fact."
+
+"Well, we never!" cried all the ladies.
+
+"Well, ladies, I don't suppose you ever did," Uncle Joe responds. "The
+fact is, Mrs. Padlock died suddenly the week Padlock spoke to me of
+going to Saratogy, and he married her sister, Miss Catchem, in course of
+a few weeks after, himself! I don't know how it was, but somehow or
+other, I thought it was all for the best; things might have turned out
+that I should have got tangled up with that girl, and a--"
+
+"Been a married man, now, instead of a bachelor, Uncle Joe!" said the
+young ladies.
+
+"It's odd; I don't know how it was, ladies; it might have been so, but
+it turned out just as I have stated."
+
+"Well, well, Major," said an elderly person of the group; "go on; how
+about Saratoga?"
+
+"I will," says Uncle Joe, again resorting to his rappee, "I will. You
+see Padlock didn't _go_, it was very odd; but somehow or other, I made
+up my mind to _go_, and I went. I calculated to be gone three or four
+weeks, and I concluded for once, at least, to loosen the strings of my
+purse, if I never did again; so I laid out to expend three dollars or
+so, each day, say eighty dollars for the trip; a good round sum, I
+assure you, to fritter away; but, by banks of Brandywine, I was
+determined to _do_ it, and I did. It was very odd, but the first person
+I met at New York was an old friend, a schoolmate of mine. I was glad to
+see him, and sorry enough to learn that he had failed in business--had a
+large family--poor--in distress. It was very odd, but somehow or other,
+we dined at the hotel together--had a bottle of Madeira, and I a--well,
+I loaned--yes, by banks of Brandywine, I gave the poor fellow a twenty
+dollar bill, shook hands and parted; yes, poor Billy Merrifellow, we
+never met again; he--he died soon after, in distress, his family broke
+up--scattered; it was very odd; poor fellow, he's gone;" and Uncle Joe
+again had recourse to his rappee, while a large tear hung in the corner
+of his full blue eye. Closing his box, and wiping his face with his
+_pongee_, the Major continued:
+
+"Next morning I called for my bill. I was astonished to find that a
+couple of bottles of good wine, two extra meals, and something over one
+day's board, figured up the round sum of ten dollars. I was three days
+out, so far, and my pocket-book was lessened of half the funds intended
+for a month's expenses! By banks of Brandywine, thinks Major, my boy,
+this won't do; you must economize, or you shall be short of your
+reckonings before you are a week out of port. That morning at the
+steam-boat wharf I meets a young man very genteelly dressed; he looked
+in deep distress about something. It was very odd, I don't know how it
+was, but somehow or other, he came up to me and asked if I was going up
+the river, and I very civilly told him I was; then, he up and tells me
+he was a stranger in the city, had lost all his money by gambling, was
+in great distress--had nothing but a valuable watch--a present from his
+deceased father, a Virginia planter, and a great deal more. He begged me
+to buy the watch, when I refused at first, but finally he so importuned
+me, and offered the watch at a rate so apparently below its real value
+that I up and gave him forty dollars for it, thinking I might in part,
+indemnify my previous extravagance by this little bit of a trade. It was
+very odd; I don't know how it was, but somehow or other, upon my arrival
+at Saratogy, I found that watch wasn't worth the powder that would blow
+it up! I was imposed upon, cheated by a scoundrel! Here I was, four days
+from home, and my whole month's outfit nigh about gone. In the stage
+that took us from the boat to the Springs, rode a very respectable
+youngish-looking woman, with a very cross child in her arms; we had not
+rode far before I found the other passengers, all gentlemen, apparently
+much annoyed by the child; for my part I sympathized with the poor
+woman, got into a conversation with her--learned she was on her way to
+Saratogy to see her husband, who was engaged there as a builder. Upon
+arriving at Saratogy, the young woman requested me to hold her child--it
+was fast asleep--until she stepped over to a new building to inquire
+about her husband. I did so; she went away, and I never saw her from
+that to this!"
+
+A loud and prolonged laugh from his auditors followed this _tableau_ in
+Uncle Joe's story. A little more rappee, and the Major proceeded:
+
+"Well, it was very odd, I don't know how it was, but somehow or other I
+was left with the child, and a plaguy time had I of it; the town
+authorities refused to take charge of it, nobody else would; so by
+Brandywine, there I was; the people seemed to be suspicious of
+me--sniggered and went on as though I knew more about the woman and her
+child than I let on. In short, I had to father the child, and provide
+for it, and I did," said the Major, quite patriotically.
+
+"Well, never mind, Uncle Joe," said Mrs. Bamberry; "that boy may pay you
+yet--pay you for all your trouble; he's growing nicely, and will make a
+fine man."
+
+"So you really had to keep the child!" cried several.
+
+"O yes," says the Major; "I was in for it; I got a nurse and had the
+youngster taken care of. The hotels were crowded, very uncomfortable,
+rooms wretched, small, damp, and dirty. The landlords were quite
+independent, and the servants the most impudent set of extorting varlets
+I ever encountered! To keep from starving, I did as others--bribed a
+waiter to keep my plate supplied. At night they had what they called
+'hops!' in other words, dances, shaking the whole house, and raising
+such a noise and hullabaloo, with cracked horns, squeaky
+fiddles--bawling and yelling, that no sailor boarding house could be
+half so disturbant of the peace. By banks of Brandywine, I got enough of
+such _folderols_; at the end of the week I asked for my bill, augmented
+by some few sundries--it made my hair stand up. Now what do you suppose
+my bill was, for one week, board, lodging, servants' _bribes_ and
+sundries? I'll tell you," said the Major, "for you never could guess
+it--it was forty-one dollars, fifty cents. I took my _protege_, bag and
+baggage, and started for home. I was absent on this memorable tour to
+Saratogy just two weeks, and by banks of Brandywine, if the expense of
+that tour--not including the time _wasted_, vexation, bother,
+mortification of feelings, fuss, and rumpus--was but a fraction less
+than three hundred dollars! Four times the cost of my anticipated trip,
+lessened half the time, with fifty per cent. more humbug about it than I
+ever dreamed of!"
+
+Miss Scarlatina agreed with the rest of the company, that it cost Uncle
+Joe Blinks more to go to Saratogy than it came to, and they all
+concluded--not to go there themselves, just then--any how!
+
+
+
+
+Old Jack Ringbolt
+
+
+Had been spinning old Mrs. Tartaremetic any quantity of salty yarns; she
+was quite surprised at Mr. Ringbolt's ups and downs, trials, travels and
+tribulations. Honest Jack (!) had assured the old dame that he had
+sailed over many and many cities, all under water, and whose roofs and
+chimneys, with the sign-boards on the stores, were still quite visible.
+He had seen Lot's wife, or the pillar of salt she finally was frozen
+into!
+
+"And did you see that--Lot's wife?" asked the old lady.
+
+"Yes, marm; but 'tain't there now--the cattle got afoul of the pillar of
+salt one day, and licked it all up!"
+
+"Good gracious! Mr. Ringbolt!"
+
+"Fact, marm; I see'd 'em at it, and tried to skeer 'em away."
+
+"Well, Mr. Ringbolt, you've seen so much, and been around so, I'd think
+you would want to settle down, and take a wife!"
+
+
+
+
+Who Killed Capt. Walker?
+
+
+Few incidents of the campaign in Mexico seem so mixed up and indefinite
+as that relative to the taking of Huamantla, and the death of that noble
+and chivalric officer, Capt. Walker. In glancing over the papers of
+Major Mammond, of Georgia, which he designates the "Secondary Combats of
+the Mexican War," we observe that he has given an account of the
+engagement at Huamantla, and the fall of Walker. We believe the Major's
+account, compiled as it is from "the documents," to be in the main
+correct, but lacking incidental pith, and slightly erroneous in the
+grand _denouement_, in which our gallant friend--whose manly countenance
+even now stares us in the face, as if in life he "yet lived"--yielded up
+the balance of power on earth.
+
+We have taken some pains, and a great deal of interest surely, in coming
+at the facts; and no time seems so proper as the present--several of the
+chivalric gentlemen of that day and occasion, being now around us--to
+give the story its veritable exhibition of true interest.
+
+Capt. S. H. Walker was a Marylander, a young man of the truest possible
+heroism and gallantry. He entered upon the campaign with all the ardor
+and enterprise of a soldier devoted to the best interests of his
+country. He commanded a company of mounted men, whose bravery was only
+equalled by his own, and whose discipline and hardiness has been
+unsurpassed, if equalled, by any troops of the world. We shall skip over
+the thousand and one incidents of the line of action in which Walker,
+Lewis, and their brave companions in arms did gallant service, to come
+at the sanguinary and truly thrilling _denouement_.
+
+Gen. Lane, after the landing and organization of his troops at Vera
+Cruz, with some 2500 men, started for Puebla, where it was understood
+that Col. Childs required reinforcement. Lane left Jalapa on the 1st of
+October, and hurried forward with Lally's command. At Perote, Lane
+learned that Santa Anna would throw himself upon his muscle, and give
+the advancing columns jessy at the pass of Pinal, and there was every
+prospect of a very tight time. Col. Wynkoop was in command at Perote;
+the men were anxious to be "in" at the fight in prospective, and Wynkoop
+obtained permission to join the General with four companies of the
+Pennsylvania Regiment; a small battery of the 3d Artillery, under
+command of Capt. Taylor, with Capts. Walker, of the Texan Rangers, and
+Lewis, of the Louisiana Cavalry. The column was now swelled to some
+2800. They moved rapidly forward, and upon reaching Tamaris, Lane heard
+that the old fox was off--Santa Anna had gone to Huamantla. Lane
+determined to hunt him up with haste. The main force was left at
+Tamaris. Troops were forwarded--advanced by Walker's Rangers and Lewis's
+Cavalry--who approached to within sight, or nearly so, of Huamantla. The
+orders to Walker were to advance to the town, and if the Mexicans were
+in force, to wait for the Infantry to come up. Walker's command rated
+about 200 men. Upon reaching the outskirts of Huamantla, the Mexican
+Cavalry were seen dashing forward into the town, and the brave Walker
+ordered a pursuit.
+
+Santa Anna was evidently in the town. Capt. Walker, says his gallant
+comrade Lewis, made up his mind to be the captor of the wily old chief.
+The fair prospect of accomplishing the deed so excited Walker, that
+danger and death were alike secondary considerations, and so the command
+charged into the town. Some 500 lancers met the charge, but with
+terrific impetuosity the Rangers and Cavalry dashed in among them,
+cutting them down right and left, and soon sent them flying in all
+directions! It was at this moment, says Capt. Lewis, that one of the
+most heroic acts of bravery was performed, unsurpassed, perhaps, by any
+act of personal daring during the whole war! A tremendous negro, a fine,
+manly fellow, named Dave, belonging to Capt. Walker, with whom he was
+brought up--boys together--being mounted, and armed with a heavy sabre,
+dashed forward down a narrow street, (up which, a detached body of
+lancers were striving to escape,) and throwing himself between three
+poised lances and the person of Dr. Lamar, one of the surgeons, who
+would have been most inevitably torn to atoms, Dave raised himself in
+his saddle, and with a yell, and one fell swoop, the heroic fellow
+"chopped down" a lancer, clean and clear to his saddle! Two lancers
+pierced Dave's body, and he fell from his horse, dead!
+
+Charging up to the Plaza--the Mexicans flying--Capt. Walker dismounted,
+with some thirty of his men, and advanced up a flight of steps to force
+an entrance into a church or convent, where he supposed Santa Anna was
+hid away. The flying lancers were pursued by the Rangers, who, very
+injudiciously, of course, scattered themselves over the town.
+
+Capt. Lewis, in the mean time, had found a large yard attached to a
+temporary garrison, in which were some sixty horses, equipped ready for
+immediate use, and which the Mexicans had, in their hurry to escape,
+left behind them! The irregular firing of the Rangers, in pursuit of the
+Mexicans, being deemed useless and unnecessary, Capt. Lewis left several
+of his men, among whom was "Country McCluskey," the noted pugilist, a
+volunteer in Capt. Lewis's company, to guard the horses, while he rode
+forward to the convent.
+
+"Capt. Walker," said Lewis, "I deem it, sir, not only useless, but bad
+policy, to allow that firing by the men, around the town."
+
+Capt. Walker immediately ordered the firing to cease, and being apprized
+of Capt. Lewis's discovery of the horses, &c., ordered him to bring up
+his command. Capt. Lewis wheeled his horse; some one fired close by, and
+Capt. Walker cried out--
+
+"Who was that? I'll shoot down the next man who fires against my
+orders!"
+
+At that moment three guns were fired from the convent--and
+simultaneously a cannon was fired down the street, from a party of
+Mexicans in the distance. Capt. Lewis faced about just in time to see
+Capt. Walker drop down upon the steps of the convent, as he emphatically
+expresses it,--
+
+"Like a lump of lead, sir!"
+
+The piece up the street was fired again. Capt. Lewis ordered the fallen,
+gallant Walker, to be placed upon the steps close to the wall. A shot
+from the piece alluded to striking off the stone and mortar, he ordered
+the doors to be forced, and Capt. Walker to be taken in, which was done.
+The bugle sounded, and in an instant a horde of lancers poured into the
+town, rushing down upon the Americans from every avenue! Capt. Lewis had
+wheeled about to collect his men, when he found McCluskey and others
+leading out "the pick" of the captured horses.
+
+"Drop--drop the horses, you fool, and mount! Mount, sir, mount!"
+
+They mounted fast enough; Lewis formed, and met the enemy in gallant
+style; and though there were ten, aye, twenty to one, possibly, he drove
+them back! To quote our friend, Major Hammond's words, "Lewis, of the
+Louisiana Cavalry, assumed command, struggled ably to preserve the guns
+(captured), and held his position fairly, until assistance arrived."
+
+One hundred and fifty of the enemy fell, while of the Rangers and
+Cavalry some twenty-five were killed and wounded. They were engaged
+nearly an hour, and the bravery displayed by Walker, Lewis, and their
+men, was worthy of general admiration, and all honor.
+
+Poor Walker! a ball struck him in the left shoulder, passed over his
+heart, and came out in his right vest pocket!
+
+Thus fell the gallant leader of one of the most formidable war parties,
+of its numbers, known to history. Walker was a humane, impulsive man; a
+warm friend, a brave, gallant soldier. His dying words were directed to
+Capt. Lewis--to keep the town, and drive back the enemy; and that the
+chivalrous Captain did so, was well proven. Capt. Walker, and his heroic
+"boy" Dave, who fell unknown to his master, were buried together in the
+earth they so lately stood upon, in all the glory and heroism of men
+that were men!
+
+
+
+
+Practical Philosophy
+
+
+Skinflint and old Jack Ringbolt had a dispute on Long Wharf, a few days
+since, upon a religious _pint_. Jack argued the matter upon a _specie_
+basis, and Skinflint took to "moral suasion." Jack went in for equal
+division of labor and money--all over the world.
+
+"Suppose, now, John," says Skinflint, "we rich men _should_ share equal
+with the poor--their imprudence would soon throw all the wealth into our
+hands again!"
+
+"Wall," says Jack, "s'pose it did! You'd only have to--_share all around
+again!_"
+
+
+
+
+Borrowed finery; or, Killed off by a Ballet Girl.
+
+
+Shakspeare has written--"let him that's robbed--not wanting what is
+stolen, not know it, _and he's not robbed at all!_" Now this fact often
+becomes very apparent, especially so in the case of Mrs. Pompaliner,--a
+lady of whom we have had occasion to speak before, the same who sent
+Mrs. Brown, the washerwomen, sundry boxes of perfume to mix in her
+_suds_, while washing the pyramids of dimity and things of Mrs. P. There
+never was a lady--no member of the sex, that ever suffered more, from
+dread of contagion, fear of dirt, and the contamination of other people,
+than Mrs. Pompaliner.
+
+"Olivia," said she, one morning, to one of her waiting maids, for Mrs.
+Pompaliner kept three, alternating them upon the principle of varying
+her handkerchiefs, gloves and linen, as they--in her double-distilled
+refined idea of things, became soiled by use, from time to time.
+"Olivia, come here--Jessamine, you can leave:" she was so intent upon
+odor and nature's purest loveliness, that she either sought
+sweet-scented cognomened waiting-maids, or nick-named them up to the
+fanciful standard of her own.
+
+"Olivia, here, take this handkerchief away, take the horrid thing away.
+I believe my soul somebody has touched it after it was ironed. Do take
+it away," and the poor victim of concentrated, double extract of human
+extravagance, almost fainted and fell back upon her lounge, in a fit of
+abhorrence at the idea of her _mouchoir_ being touched, tossed, or
+opened, after it entered her camphorated drawers in her highly-perfumed
+_boudoir_.
+
+"Olivia!"
+
+"Yes'm," was the response of the fine, ruddy, and wholesome looking
+maid.
+
+"Olivia, put on your gloves."
+
+"Yes'm."
+
+"Go down to Mrs. Brown's," she faintly says--"tell her to come here this
+very day."
+
+"Yes'm."
+
+"Olivia!"
+
+"Yes'm," replied the fine-eyed, real woman.
+
+"Got your gloves on?"
+
+"Yes'm."
+
+"Well, take this key, go to my boudoir, in the fifth drawer of my
+_papier mache_ black bureau, you will find a case of handkerchiefs."
+
+"Yes'm."
+
+"Take out three, yes, four, close the case, lock the drawer, close the
+boudoir door, and bring down the handkerchiefs upon my rosewood tray. Do
+you comprehend, Olivia?"
+
+"Yes'm," said the girl.
+
+"But come here; let me see your hands. O, horror! such gloves! touch my
+handkerchiefs or bureau drawers with those horrid gloves! Poison me!"
+cries the terrified woman.
+
+"Olivia," she again ejaculates, after a moment's pause, from overtasked
+nature!
+
+"Yes'm," the blushing, tickled _blonde_ replies.
+
+"Go call Vanilla, you are quite soiled now. I want a fresh servant,
+retire."
+
+"Ah, Vanilla, girl, have you got your gloves on?"
+
+"Yes'm," the yellow girl modestly answers.
+
+"Then do go and bring me six handkerchiefs from my boudoir, in the fifth
+drawer of my black _papier mache_ bureau. Let me see your gloves, dear.
+
+"Ah, Vanilla, you are to be depended upon; your gloves are clean--now
+run along, dear, for I'm suffering for a fresh, new, and untouched
+handkerchief.
+
+"Ah, that's well. Now, Vanilla, go to Mrs. Brown's, my laundress--say
+that I wish her to come here, immediately."
+
+"Yes'm," says the bright quadroon, and away she spins for the domicil of
+democratic Mrs. Brown, the laundress.
+
+"Now what's up, I'd like to know?" quoth the old woman.
+
+"Dunno, missus wants to see you--guess you better come," says Vanilla.
+
+"Deuce take sich fussy people," says Mrs. Brown; "I wouldn't railly put
+up with all her dern'd nonsense, ef she wa'n't so poorly, so weak in her
+mind and body, and so good about paying for her work. No, I declare I
+wouldn't," said the strong-minded woman.
+
+"Bring the creature up," said Mrs. Pompaliner, as one of her fresh
+attendants announced the washerwoman.
+
+"Ah, you are here?"
+
+"Yes," said the fat, hardy, and independent, if awkward, Mrs. Brown, as
+she stood in the august presence of Mrs. Pompaliner, and the gorgeous
+trappings of her own private drawing-room.
+
+"Yes, I believe I am, ma'am!" says the she-democrat.
+
+"Vanilla, tell Olivia to bring Jessamine here."
+
+"Yes'm."
+
+"Now Mrs. a--what is your name?"
+
+"Brown, Dorcas Brown; my husband and I--"
+
+"Never mind, that's sufficient, Mrs. a--Brown," said the reclining Mrs.
+Pompaliner. "I wish to know if anybody is permitted to touch or handle
+any of my wardrobe, my linen, handkerchiefs, hose, gloves, laces, etc.,
+in your house?"
+
+"Tetch 'em!" echoes the rotund laundress; "why of course we've got to
+tetch 'em, or how'd we get 'em ironed and put in your baskets, ma'am?"
+
+"Do you pretend to say, Mrs. a--Brown--O dear! dear! I am afraid you
+have ruined all my clothes!"
+
+"Ruined 'em?" quoth Mrs. Brown, coloring up, like a fresh and lively
+lobster immersed in a pot of highly caloric water.
+
+"I want to know if the things ain't been done this week as well as I
+ever did 'em, could do 'em, or anybody could do 'em on this mighty yeath
+(earth), ma'am!"
+
+"Come, come, don't get me flustered, woman," cries the poor, faint Mrs.
+Pompaliner. "Don't come here to worry me; answer me and go."
+
+"So I can go, ma'am!" said Mrs. Brown, with a vigorous toss of her
+bullet head.
+
+"Stop, will you understand me, Mrs.--a--"
+
+"Brown, ma'am, Brown's my name. I ain't afeard to let anybody know it!"
+responded the spunky laundress.
+
+The arrival of Olivia, who ushered in Jessamine, turned the current of
+affairs.
+
+"Jessamine, your gloves on, dear?"
+
+"Yes'm."
+
+"Then go to my _boudoir_, open the rose-wood clothes case, bring down
+the skirts, a dozen or two of the _mouchoirs_, the laces and hose."
+
+The girl departed, and soon returned with a ponderous paper box, laden
+with the articles required.
+
+"Now," said Mrs. Pompaliner, "now, Brown, look at those articles; don't
+you see that they have been touched?"
+
+"Tetched! lord-a-massy, ma'am, how'd you get 'em ironed, folded and
+brought home, ma'am, without tetching 'em?"
+
+"Olivia, Vanilla, where are you? Jessamine, dear, bring me a fresh
+handkerchief, ignite a _pastile_, there's such an odor in the room. Do
+you _smell_, Mrs. a--Brown, that horrid lavender or rose, or, or,--do
+you smell it, Brown?"
+
+"Lord-a-massy, ma'am," said the old woman of suds, "I ollers smell a
+dreadful smell here; them parfumeries o' yourn, I often tell my Augusty,
+I wonder them stinkin'--"
+
+"O! O! dear!" cries Mrs. Pompaliner, going off "into a spell;"
+recovering a little, Mrs. Pompaliner proceeds to state that for some
+time past, she had been troubled with _a presentiment_, that her fine
+clothes had been tampered with after leaving the smoothing iron, and how
+fatal to her would be the fact of any mortal daring to use, in the
+remotest manner, any fresh garment or personal apparel of hers!
+Suspicion had been aroused, the articles before the parties were now
+diligently examined, when, lo! a spot, not unlike a slight smear of
+vermilion, was discovered upon a splendid handkerchief--it gave Mrs. P.
+an electric shock; but, O horror! the next thing turned up was a
+_spangle_, big as a half dime, upon one of Mrs. P.'s most superb skirts!
+This awful revelation, connected with the smell of vile lavender and
+worse patchouly, upon another piece of woman gear, threw Mrs. Pompaliner
+into spasms, between the motions of which she gasped:
+
+"You have a daughter, Mrs. Brown?"
+
+"Yes, I have."
+
+"How old is she?"
+
+"About seventeen, ma'am."
+
+"And she a--?"
+
+"Dances in the theatre, ma'am!"
+
+The whole thing was out: the sacred garments of Mrs. P. had not only
+been _touched_ by sacrilegious hands, but had had an airing, and smelt
+the lamps of the play-house! Mrs. Pompaliner was so shocked, that four
+first-class physicians tended her for a whole season.
+
+Mrs. Brown lost a profitable customer, and well walloped her
+ballet-nymph daughter Augusty, for attiring herself in the finery of her
+most possibly particular and sensitive customer! It was awful!
+
+
+
+
+Legal Advice.
+
+
+Old Ben. Franklin said it was his opinion that, between imprisonment and
+being at large in debt to your neighbor, there was no _difference_
+worthy the name of it. Some people have a monstrous sight of courage in
+debt, more than they have out of it, while we have known some, who,
+though not afraid to stand fire or water, shook in their very
+boots--wilted right down, before the frown of a creditor! A man that can
+_dun_ to death, or stand a deadly _dun_, possesses talents no Christian
+need envy; for, next to Lucifer, we look upon the confirmed "diddler"
+and professional _dun_, for every ignoble trait in the character of
+mankind. A friend at our elbow has just possessed us of some facts so
+mirth-provoking, (to us, not to him,) that we jot them down for the
+amusement and information of suffering mankind and the rest of creation,
+who now and then get into a scrimmage with rogues, lawyers and law. And
+perhaps it may be as well to let the _indefatigable_ tell his own story:
+
+"You see, Cutaway dealt with me, and though he knew I was dead set
+against _crediting_ anybody, he would insist, and did--get into my
+books. I let it run along until the amount reached sixty dollars, and
+Cutaway, instead of stopping off and paying me up, went in deeper!
+Getting in debt seemed to make him desperate, reckless! One day he came
+in when I was out; he and his wife look around, and, by George! they
+select a handsome tea-set, worth twenty dollars, and my fool clerk sends
+it home.
+
+"'Tell him to _charge it!_' says Cutaway, to the boy who took the china
+home; and I did charge it.
+
+"The upshot of the business was, I found out that Cutaway was a
+confirmed _diddler_; he got all he wanted, when and where he could, upon
+the 'charge it' principle, and had become so callous to duns, that his
+moral compunctions were as tough as sole leather--bullet-proof.
+
+"I was vexed, I was _mad_, I determined to break one of my 'fixed
+principles,' and _go to law_; have my money, goods, or a row! I goes to
+a lawyer, states my case, gave him a fee and told him to go to work.
+
+"Cutaway, of course, received a polite invitation to step up to Van
+Nickem's office and learn something to his advantage; and he attended. A
+few days afterwards I dropped in.
+
+"'Your man's been here,' says Van Nickem, smilingly.
+
+"'Has, eh? Well, what's he done?' said I.
+
+"'O, he acknowledges the _debt_, says he thinks you are rather hurrying
+up the biscuits, and thinks you might have sent the bill to him instead
+of giving it to me for collection,' says the lawyer.
+
+"'Send it to him!' says I. 'Why I sent it fifty times;--sent my clerk
+until he got ashamed of going, and my boy went so often that his boots
+got into such a way of _going_ to Cutaway's shop, that he had to change
+them with his brother, _when he was going anywhere else!_'
+
+"'He appears to be a clever sort of a fellow,' said Van.
+
+"'He _is_,' said I, 'the cleverest, most perfectly-at-home _diddler_ in
+town.'
+
+"'Well,' said Van Nickem, 'Cutaway acknowledges the debt, says he's
+rather straightened just now, but if you'll give him a little more
+_time_, he'll fork up every cent; so if I were you, I'd wait a little
+and see.'
+
+"Well, I did wait. I didn't want to appear more eager for law than a
+lawyer, so I waited--three months. At the end of that time, early one
+Saturday morning, in came Cutaway. 'Aha!' says I, 'you are going to
+_fork_ now, at last; it's well you come, for I'd been _down_ on you on
+Monday, bright and early!'"
+
+"You didn't say that to him, did you?" we observed.
+
+"O, bless you, _no_. I said _that_ to _myself_, but I met _him_ with a
+smile, and with a 'how d'ye do, Cutaway?' and in my excitement at the
+prospect of receiving the $80, which I then wanted the worst kind, I
+shook hands with him, asked how his family was, and got as familiar and
+jocular with him as though he was the most cherished friend I had in the
+world! Well, now what do you suppose was the result of that interview
+with Cutaway?"
+
+"Paid you a portion, or all of your bill against him, we suppose," was
+our response.
+
+"Not by a long shot; with the coolness of a pirate he asked me to credit
+him for a handsome wine-tray, a dozen cut goblets and glasses, and a
+pair of decanters; he expected some friends from New York that evening,
+was going to give them a 'set out' at his house, and one of the guests,
+in consideration of former favors rendered by him, was pledged--being a
+man of wealth--to loan him enough funds to pay his debts, and take up a
+mortgage on his residence."
+
+"You laughed at his impudence, and kicked him out into the street?" said
+we.
+
+"I hope I may be hung if I didn't let him have the goods, and he took
+them home with him, swearing by all that was good and bad, he would
+settle with me early the following Monday morning. I saw no more of
+_him_ for two weeks! I went to Van Nickem's, he laughed at me. The bill
+was now $100. I was raging. I told Van Nickem I'd have my money out of
+Cutaway, or I'd advertise him for a villain, swindler, and scoundrel."
+
+"'He'd sue you for libel, and obtain damages,' said Van.
+
+"'Then I'll horsewhip him, sir, within an inch of his life, in the open
+street!' said I, in a heat.
+
+"'You might _rue_ that,' said Van. 'He'd sue you for an assault, and
+give you trouble and expense.'
+
+"'Then I suppose I can do nothing, eh?--the _law_ being _made_ for the
+benefit of such villains!'
+
+"'We will arrest him,' said Van.
+
+"'Well, then what?' said I.
+
+"'We will haul him up to the bull ring, we will have the money, attach
+his property, goods or chattels, or clap him in jail, sir!' said Van
+Nickem, with an air of determination.
+
+"I felt relieved; the hope of putting the rascal in jail, I confess, was
+dearer to me than the $100. I told Van to go it, give the rascal jessy,
+and Van did; but after three weeks' vexatious litigation, Cutaway went
+to jail, swore out, and, to my mortification, I learned that he had been
+through that sort of process so often that, like the old woman's skinned
+eels, he was used to it, and rather liked the sensation than otherwise!
+Well, saddled with the costs, foiled, gouged, swindled, and laughed at,
+you may fancy my feelinks, as Yellow Plush remarks."
+
+"So you lost the $100--got whipped, eh?" we remarked.
+
+"No, _sir_," said our litigious friend. "I cornered him, I got old
+Cutaway in a tight place at last, and that's the pith of the
+transaction. Cutaway, having swindled and shaved about half the
+community with whom he _had_ any transactions,--got his affairs all
+fixed smooth and quiet, and with his family was off for California. I
+got wind of it,--Van Nickem and I had a conference.
+
+"'We'll have him,' says Van. 'Find out what time he sails, where the
+vessel is, &c.; lay back until a few hours before the vessel is to cut
+loose, then go down, get the fellow ashore if you can, talk to him, soft
+soap him, ask him if he won't pay if he has luck in California, &c., and
+so on, and when you've got him a hundred yards from the vessel, knock
+him down, pummel him well; I'll have an officer ready to arrest both of
+you for breach of the peace; when you are brought up, I'll have a
+_charge_ made out against Cutaway for something or other, and if he
+don't fork out and clear, I'm mistaken,' said Van. I followed his advice
+to the letter; I pummelled Cutaway well; we were taken up and fined, and
+Cutaway was in a great hurry to say but little and get off. But Van and
+the _writ_ appeared. Cutaway looked streaked--he was alarmed. In two
+hours' time he disgorged not only my bill, but a bill of forty dollars
+costs! He then cut for the ship, the meanest looking white man you ever
+saw!"
+
+If Mr. Cutaway don't take the _force_ of that moral, _salt_ won't save
+him.
+
+
+
+
+Wonders of the Day.
+
+
+The "firm" who save a hogshead of ink, annually, by not allowing their
+clerks and book-keepers to dot their i's or cross their t's, are now
+bargaining (with the old school gentlemen who split a knife that cost a
+fourpence, in skinning a flea for his hide and tallow!) for a
+two-pronged pen, which cuts short business letters and printed
+bill-heads, by enabling a clerk to write on both sides of the paper, two
+lines at a time. Great improvement on the old method, ain't it?
+
+
+
+
+"Don't Know You, Sir!"
+
+
+We shall never forget, and always feel proud of the fact, that we _knew_
+so great an every-day _Plato_ as Davy Crockett. Had the old Colonel
+never uttered a better idea than that everlasting good motto--"Be sure
+you're right, then go ahead!" his wisdom would stand a pretty good
+wrestle with tide and time, before his standing, as a man of genius,
+would pass to oblivion--be washed out in Lethe's waters. We remember
+hearing Col. Crockett relate, during a "speech," a short time before he
+lost his life at the _Alamo_, in Texas--a little incident, of his being
+taken up in New Orleans, one night, by a _gen d'arme_--lugged to the
+calaboose, and kept there as an out-and-out "hard case," not being able
+to find any body, hardly, that knew him, and being totally unable to
+reconcile the chief of police to the fact that he _was_ the identical
+Davy Crockett, or any body else, above par! "If you want to find out
+your 'level,'--_ad valorem_, wake up some morning, noon or night--_where
+nobody knows you!_" said the Colonel, "and if you ever feel so
+essentially chawed up, _raw_, as I did in the calaboose, the Lord pity
+you!"
+
+There was a "modern instance" of Colonel Crockett's "wise saw," in the
+case of a certain Philadelphia millionaire, who was in the habit of
+_carting_ himself out, in a very ancient and excessively shabby gig;
+which, in consequence of its utter ignorance of the stable-boy's brush,
+sponge or broom, and the hospitalities the old concern nightly offered
+the hens--was not exactly the kind of _equipage_ calculated to win
+attention or marked respect, for the owner and driver. The old
+millionaire, one day in early October, took it into his head to ride
+out and see the country. Taking an early start, the old gentleman, and
+his old bob-tailed, frost-bitten-looking horse, with that same old
+shabby gig, about dusk, found themselves under the swinging sign of a
+Pennsylvania Dutch tavern, in the neighborhood of Reading. As nobody
+bestirred themselves to see to the traveller, he put his very
+old-fashioned face and wig outside of the vehicle, and called--
+
+"Hel-lo! hos-e-lair? Landlord?"
+
+Leisurely stalking down the steps, the Dutch hostler advanced towards
+the queer and questionable travelling equipage.
+
+"Vel, vot you vont, ah?"
+
+"Vat sal I vant? I sal vant to put oup my hoss, vis-ze stab'l, viz two
+pecks of oats and plenty of hay, hos-e-lair."
+
+"Yaw," was the laconic grunt of the hostler, as he proceeded to unhitch
+old bald-face from his rigging.
+
+"Stop one little," said the traveller. "I see 'tis very mosh like to
+rain, to-night; put up my gig in ze stab'l, too."
+
+"Boosh, tonner and blitzen, der rain not hurt yer ole gig!"
+
+"I pay you for vat you sal do for me, mind vat I sal say, sair, if you
+pleaze."
+
+The hostler, very surlily, led the traveller's weary old brute to the
+stable; but, prior to carrying out the orders of the traveller, he
+sought the landlord, to know if it would _pay_ to put up the shabby
+concern, and treat the old horse to a real feed of hay and oats, without
+making some inquiries into the financial situation of the old Frenchman.
+
+The landlord, with a country lawyer and a neighboring farmer, were at
+the _Bar_, one of those old-fashioned _slatted_ coops, in a corner,
+peculiar to Pennsylvania, discussing the merits of a law suit, seizure
+of the property, &c., of a deceased tiller of the soil, in the vicinity.
+Busily chatting, and quaffing their _toddy_, the entrance of the poor
+old traveller was scarcely noticed, until he had divested himself of
+his old, many-caped cloak, and demurely taken a seat in the room. The
+hostler having reappeared, and talked a little Dutch to the host, that
+worthy turned to the traveller--
+
+"Good even'ns, thravel'r!"
+
+"Yes, sair;" pleasantly responded the Frenchman, "a little."
+
+"You got a hoss, eh?" continued the landlord.
+
+"Yes, sair, I vish ze hostlair to give mine hoss plenty to eat--plenty
+hay, plenty oats, plenty watair, sair."
+
+"Yaw," responded the landlord, "den, Jacob, give'm der oats, and der
+hay, and der water;" and, with this brief direction to his subordinate,
+the landlord turned away from the way-worn traveller to resume his
+conversation with his more, apparently, influential friends. The old
+Frenchman very patiently waited until the discussion should cease, and
+the landlord's ear be disengaged, that he might be apprized of the fact
+that travellers had stomachs, and that of the old French gentleman was
+highly _incensed_ by long delay, and more particularly by the odorous
+fumes of roast fowls, ham and eggs, &c., issuing from the inner portion
+of the tavern.
+
+"Landlord, I vil take suppair, if you please," said he.
+
+"Yaw; after dese gentlemans shall eat der suppers, den somesing will be
+prepared for you."
+
+"Sair!" said the old Frenchman, firing up; "I vill not vait for ze
+shentilmen; I vant my suppair now, directly--right away; I not vait for
+nobody, sair!"
+
+"If you no like 'em, den you go off, out mine house," answered the old
+sour krout, "you old barber!"
+
+"Bar-bair!" gasped the old Frenchman, in suppressed rage. "Sair, I vill
+go no where, I vill stay here so long, by gar, as--as--as I please,
+sair!"
+
+"Are you aware, sir," interposed the legal gentleman, "that you are
+rendering gross and offensive, malicious and libellous, scandalous and
+burglarious language to this gentleman, in his own domicile, with malice
+prepense and aforethought, and a ----"
+
+"Pooh! pooh! _pooh!_ for you, sair!" testily replied the Frenchman.
+
+"Pooh? To me, sir? _Me, sir?_" bullyingly echoed Blackstone.
+
+"Yes, sair--pooh--_pooh!_ von geese, sair!"
+
+It were vain to try to depict the rage of wounded pride, the insolence
+of a travelling _barber_ had stirred up in the very face of the man of
+law, logic, and legal lore. He swelled up, blowed and strutted about
+like a _miffed_ gobbler in a barn yard! He tried to cork down his rage,
+but it bursted forth--
+
+"You--you--you infernal old frog-eating, soap and lather, you--you--you
+smoke-dried, one-eyed,* poor old wretch, you, if it wasn't for pity's
+sake, I'd have you taken up and put in the county jail, for vagrancy, I
+would, you poverty-stricken old rascal!"
+
+    [*] Girard, it will be remembered, had but one eye. With that,
+    however, he saw as much as many do with a full pair of eyes.
+
+"Jacob!" bawled the landlord, to his sub., "bring out der ole hoss
+again, pefore he die mit de crows, in mine stable; now, you ole fool,
+you shall go vay pout your bishenish mit nossin to eat, mit yer hoss
+too!" said the landlord, with an evident rush of blood and beer to his
+head!
+
+"Oh, veri well," patiently answered the old Frenchman, "veri well, sair,
+I sal go--but,"--shaking his finger very significantly at the landlord
+and lawyer, "I com' back to-morrow morning, I buy dis prop-er-tee; you,
+sir, sal make de deed in my name--I kick you out, sair, (to the
+landlord,) and to you (the lawyer), I sal like de goose. Booh!"
+
+With this, the poor old Frenchman started for his gig, amid the "Haw!
+haw! haw! and ha! ha! he! he!" of the landlord and lawyer. "That for
+you," said the Frenchman, as he gave the surly Dutchman-hostler a real
+half-dollar, took the dirty "ribbons" and drove off. Now, the farmer,
+one of the three spectators present, had quietly watched the
+proceedings, and being _gifted_ with enough insight into human nature to
+see something more than "an old French barber" in the person and manner
+of the traveller; and, moreover, being interested in the Tavern
+property, followed the Frenchman; overtaking him, he at once offered him
+the hospitalities of his domicile, not far distant, where the traveller
+passed a most comfortable night, and where his host found out that he
+was entertaining no less a pecuniary miracle of his time--_than Stephen
+Girard_.
+
+Early next morning, old Stephy, in his old and _shady_ gig, accompanied
+by his entertainer, rode over to the two owners of the Tavern property,
+and with them sought the _lawyer_, the deeds were made out, the old
+Frenchman _drew_ on his own Bank for the $13,000, gave the farmer a ten
+years' _lease_ upon the place, paid the lawyer for his trouble, and as
+that worthy accompanied the millionaire to the door, and was very
+obsequiously bowing him out, old Stephy turned around on the steps, and
+looking sharp--with his one eye upon the lawyer, says he--
+
+"Sair! Pooh! pooh!--_Booh!_" off he rode for the Tavern, where he and
+the landlord had a _haze_, the landlord was notified to _leave_, short
+metre; and being fully revenged for the insult paid his millions, old
+Stephen Girard, the great Philadelphia financier, rode back to where he
+was better used for his money, and evidently better satisfied than ever,
+that money is mighty when brought to bear upon an object!
+
+
+
+
+A Circumlocutory Egg Pedler.
+
+
+We have been, frequently, much amused with the man[oe]uvring of some
+folks in trade. It's not your cute folks, who screw, twist and twirl
+over a smooth fourpence, or skin a flea for its hide and tallow, and
+spoil a knife that cost a shilling,--that come out first best in the
+long run. Some folks have a weakness for beating down shop-keepers, or
+anybody else they deal with, and so far have we seen this _infirmity_
+carried, that we candidly believe we've known persons that would not
+stop short of cheapening the passage to kingdom come, if they thought a
+dollar and two cents might be saved in the fare! Now the _rationale_ of
+the matter is this:--as soon as persons establish a reputation for
+meanness--beating down folks, they fall victims to all sorts of shaves
+and short commons, and have the fine Saxony drawn over their eyes--from
+the nose to the occiput; they get the meanest "bargains," offals, &c.,
+that others would hardly have, even at a heavy discount. Then some folks
+are so wonderful sharp, too, that we wonder their very shadow does not
+often cut somebody. A friend of ours went to buy his wife a pair of
+gaiters; he brought them home; she found all manner of fault with them;
+among other drawbacks, she declared that for the price her better half
+had given for the gaiters, _she_ could have got the best article in
+Waxend's entire shop! _He_ said _she_ had better take them back and try.
+So she did, and poor Mr. Waxend had an hour of his precious time used up
+by the lady's attempt to get a more expensive pair of gaiters at a less
+price than those purchased by her husband. Waxend saw how matters stood,
+so he consented to adopt the maxim of--when Greek meets Greek, then
+comes the tug of war!
+
+"Now, marm," said he, "here is a pair of gaiters I have made for Mrs.
+Heavypurse; they are just your fit, most expensive material, the best
+article in the shop; Mrs. Heavypurse will not expect them for a few
+days, and rather than _you_ should be disappointed, I will let _you_
+have them for the same price your husband paid for those common ones!"
+
+Of course Mrs. ---- took them, went home in great glee, and told her
+better half she'd never trust him to go shopping for her again--for they
+always cheated him. When the husband came to scrutinize his wife's
+bargain, lo! he detected the self-same gaiters--merely with a different
+quality of lacings in them! He, like a philosopher, grinned and said
+nothing. That illustrates one phase in the character of some people who
+"go it blind" on "bargains" and now, for the pith of our story--the way
+some folks have of going round "Robin Hood's barn" to come at a thing.
+
+The other day we stopped into a friend's store to see how he was getting
+along, and presently in came a rural-district-looking customer.
+
+"How'd do?" says he, to the storekeeper, who was busy, keeping the stove
+warm.
+
+"Pretty well; how is it with you?"
+
+"Well, so, so; how's all the folks?"
+
+"Middling--middling, sir. How's all your folks?"
+
+"Tolerable--yes, tolerable," says the rural gent. "How's trade?" he
+ventured to inquire.
+
+"Dull, ray-ther dull," responded the storekeeper. "Come take a seat by
+the stove, Mr. Smallpotatoes."
+
+"Thank you, I guess not," says the ruralite. "Your folks are all
+stirring, eh?" he added.
+
+"Yes, stirring around a little, sir. How's your mother got?" the
+storekeeper inquired, for it appeared he knew the man.
+
+"Poorly, dreadful poorly, yet," was the reply. "Cold weather, you see,
+sort o' sets the old lady back."
+
+"I suppose so," responded our friend; and here, think's we, if there is
+anything important or business like on the man's mind, he must be near
+to its focus. But he started again--
+
+"Ain't goin' to Californy, then, are you?" says Mr. Smallpotatoes.
+
+"Guess not," said our friend. "You talked of going, I believe?"
+
+"Well, ye-e-e-s, I did think of it," said the rural gent; "I did think
+of it last fall, but I kind o' gin it up."
+
+Here another _hiatus_ occurred; the rural gent walked around, viewed the
+goods and chattels for some minutes; then says he--
+
+"Guess I'll be movin'," and of course that called forth from our friend
+the venerated expression--
+
+"What's your hurry?"
+
+"Well, nothing 'special. Plaguy cold winter we've got!"
+
+"That's a fact," answered the storekeeper. "How's sleighing out your
+way--good?"
+
+"First rate; I guess the folks have had enough of it, this winter, by
+jolly. I hev, any how," says the rural gent. "Trade's dull, eh?"
+
+"Very--very _slack_."
+
+"Dullest time of the year, I reckon, ain't it?"
+
+"Pretty much so, indeed," says the storekeeper.
+
+"I don't see's Californy goold gets much plentier, or business much
+better, nowhere."
+
+To this bit of cogent reason our friend replied--
+
+"Not much--that's a fact."
+
+"I 'spect there's a good deal of humbug about the Californy goold mines,
+don't you?"
+
+"The wealth of the country or the ease of coming at it," said the
+storekeeper, "is no doubt exaggerated some."
+
+"That's my opinion on't too," said the agriculturist. "Some make money
+out there, and then agin some don't; I reckon more don't than does." To
+this bright inference the storekeeper ventured to say--
+
+"I think it's highly _probable_."
+
+"All your folks are lively, eh?" inquired Smallpotatoes.
+
+"Pretty much so," said the storekeeper; "troubled a little with
+influenza, colds, &c.; nothing serious, however."
+
+"Well, I'm glad to hear it."
+
+"All your folks are well, I believe you said?" the storekeeper, in
+apparent solicitude, inquired, to be reassured of the fact.
+
+"Ye-e-e-s, exceptin' the old lady."
+
+Another pause; we began to feel convinced there was speculation in the
+rural gent's "eyes," and just for the fun of the thing--as we "were up"
+to such dodges--we determined to hang on and see how he come out.
+
+"Well, I declare, I must be goin'!" suddenly said the rural gent, and
+actually made five steps towards the handle of the door.
+
+"Don't be in a hurry," echoed the storekeeper. "When did you come in
+town?"
+
+"I come in this mornin'."
+
+"Any of the folks in with you?"
+
+"No; my wife did want to come in, but concluded it was too cold;
+'spected some of your folks out to see us durin' this good
+sleighing--why didn't you come?"
+
+"Couldn't very well spare time," said the storekeeper.
+
+"Well, we'd been glad to see you, and if you get time, and the sleighin'
+holds out, you must come and see us."
+
+"I may--I can't promise for certain."
+
+Now another pause took place, and thinks we--the climax has come,
+surely, after all that small talk. The country gent walked deliberately
+to the door; he actually took hold of the knob.
+
+"You off?" says the storekeeper.
+
+"B'lieve I'll be off"--opening the door, then rushes back
+again--semi-excited by the force of some pent up idea, says the rural
+gent--"O! Mr. ----, _don't you want to buy some good fresh eggs_?"
+
+"Eggs? Yes, I do; been looking all around for some fresh eggs; how many
+have you?"
+
+"Five dozen; thought you'd want some; so I come right in to see!"
+
+We nearly catapillered! After all this circumlocution, the man came to
+the _pint_, and--sold his eggs in two minutes!
+
+
+
+
+Jolly Old Times.
+
+
+Either mankind or his constitution has changed since "the good old
+times," for we read in an old medicine book, that bleeding at the nose,
+and cramp, could be effectually prevented by wearing a dried toad in a
+bag at the pit of the stomach; while for rheumatism and consumption, a
+snake skin worn in the crown of your hat, was a sovereign remedy! Dried
+toads and snake skins are quite out of use around these settlements, and
+we think the Esculapius who would recommend such nostrums, would be
+looked upon as a poor devil with a fissure in his cranium, liable to
+cause his brains to become weather-beaten! We remember hearing of a
+learned old cuffy, who lived down "dar" near Tallahassee, who invariably
+recommended cayenne pepper in the eye to cure the toothache! Had this
+venerable old colored gem'n lived 200 years ago, he would doubtless have
+created a sensation in the medical circles!
+
+
+
+
+The Pigeon Express Man.
+
+
+In nearly all yarns or plays in which Yankees figure, they are supposed
+to be "a leetle teu darn'd ceute" for almost any body else, creating a
+heap of fun, and coming out clean ahead; but that even Connecticut
+Yankees--the cutest and all firedest _tight_ critters on the face of the
+_yearth_, when money or trade's in the question--are "_done_" now and
+then, upon the most scientific principles, we are going to prove.
+
+It is generally known, in the newspaper world, that two or three Eastern
+men, a few years ago, started a paper in Philadelphia, upon the penny
+principle, and have since been rewarded as they deserved. They were, and
+are, men of great enterprise and liberality, as far as their business is
+concerned, and thereby they got ahead of all competition, and made their
+_pile_. The proprietors were always "fly" for any new dodge, by which
+they could keep the lead of things, and monopolize the _news_ market.
+The Telegraph had not "turned up" in the day of which we write--the
+_mails_, and, now and then, express horse lines, were the media through
+which _Great Excitements! Alarming Events!! Great Fires and Awful
+Calamities!!_ were come at. One morning, as one of these gentlemen was
+sitting in his office, a long, lank genius, with a visage as
+hatchet-faced and keen as any Connecticut Yankee's on record, came in,
+and inquired of one of the clerks for the proprietors of that
+institution. Being pointed out, the thin man made a _lean_ towards him.
+After getting close up, and twisting and screwing around his head to see
+that nobody was listening or looking, the lean man sat down very
+gingerly upon the extreme verge of a chair, and leaning forward until
+his razor-made nose almost touched that of the publisher, in a low,
+nasal, anxious tone, says he,
+
+"Air yeou one of the publishers of this paper?"
+
+"I am, sir."
+
+"Oh, yeou, sir!" said the visitor, again looking suspiciously around and
+about him.
+
+"Did you ever hear tell of the _Pigeon Express_?" he continued.
+
+"The Pigeon Express?" echoed the publisher.
+
+"Ya-a-s. Carrier pigeons--letters to their l-e-g-s and newspapers under
+their wings--trained to fly any where you warnt 'em."
+
+"Carrier Pigeons," mused the publisher--"Carrier--pigeons trained to
+carry billets--bulletins and--"
+
+"Go frum fifty to a hundred miles an hour!" chimed in the stranger.
+
+"True, so they say, very true," continued the publisher, musingly.
+
+"Elegant things for gettin' or sendin' noos head of every body else."
+
+"Precisely: that's a fact, that's a fact," the other responded, rising
+from his chair and pacing the floor, as though rather and decidedly
+_taken_ by the novelty and feasibility of the operation.
+
+"You'd have 'em all, Mister, dead as mutton, by a Pigeon Express."
+
+"I like the idea; good, first rate!"
+
+"Can't be beat, noheow!" said the stranger.
+
+"But what would it cost?"
+
+"Two hundred dollars, and a small wagon, to begin on."
+
+"A small wagon?"
+
+"Ya-a-s. Yeou see, Mister, the birds haff to be trained to fly from one
+_pint_ to another!"
+
+"Yes; well?"
+
+"Wa-a-ll, yeou see the birds are put in a box, on the top of the
+bildin', for a spell, teu git the _hang_ of things, and so on!"
+
+"Yes, very well; go on."
+
+"Then the birds are put in a cage, the trainer takes 'em into his
+wagon--ten miles at first--throws 'em up, and the birds go to the
+bildin'. Next day fifteen miles, and so forth; yeou see?"
+
+"Perfectly; I understand; now, where can these birds be had?"
+
+Putting his thin lips close to the publisher's opening ears, in a low,
+long way, says the stranger--
+
+"_I've got 'em!_ R-a-l-e Persian birds--be-e-utis!"
+
+"You understand training them?" says the anxious publisher.
+
+"_Like a book_," the stranger responded.
+
+"Where are the birds?" the publisher inquired.
+
+"I've got 'em down to the tavern, where I'm stoppin'."
+
+"Bring them up; let me see them; let me see them!"
+
+"Certainly, Mister, of course," responded the Pigeon express man,
+leaving the presence of the tickled-to-death publisher, who paced his
+office as full of effervescence as a jimmyjohn of spruce beer in dog
+days.
+
+About this time pigeons were being trained, and in a few cases, now and
+then, really did carry messages for lottery ticket venders in Jersey
+City, to Philadelphia, Wilmington, and Baltimore; but these exploits
+rarely paid first cost, and did not amount to much, although some noise
+was made about the wonderful performance of certain Carrier Pigeons. But
+the _paper_ was to have a new impulse--astonish all creation and the
+rest of mankind, by Pigeon Express. The publisher's partner was in New
+York, fishing for novelties, and he determined to astonish him, on his
+return home, by the _bird business!_ A coop was fixed on the top of the
+"bildin'," as the great inventor of the express had suggested. The
+wagon was bought, and, with two hundred dollars in for funds, passed
+over to the pigeon express man, who, in the course of a few days, takes
+the birds into his wagon, to take them out some few miles, throw them
+up, and the publisher and a confidential friend were to be on top of the
+"bildin'," looking out for them.
+
+They kept looking!--they saw something werry like a whale, but a good
+deal like a first-rate bad "_Sell!_" The lapse of a few days was quite
+sufficient to convince the publisher that he had been taken in and done
+for--regularly _picked up_ and done for,--upon the most approved and
+scientific principles. Rather than let the cat out of the bag, he made
+up his mind to pocket the _shave_ and keep shady, not even "letting on
+to his partner," who in the course of the following week returned from
+Gotham, evidently feeling as fine as silk, about something or other.
+
+"Well, what's new in New York--got hold of any thing rich?" was the
+first interrogatory.
+
+"Hi-i-i-sh! close the door!" was the reply, indicating something very
+important on the _tapis_.
+
+"So; my dear fellow, I've got a concern, now, that will put the
+sixpennies to sleep as sound as rocks!"
+
+"No. What have you started in Gotham?"
+
+"Exactly. If you don't own up the corn, that the idea is
+grand--immense--I'll knock under."
+
+"Good! I'm glad--particularly glad you've found something new and
+startling," responded the other. "Well, what is it?"
+
+"Great!--wonderful!--_Carrier Pigeons!_"
+
+"What! Pigeons?"
+
+"_Pigeons!_"
+
+"You don't pretend to say that--"
+
+"Yes, sir, all arranged--luckiest fellows alive, we are--"
+
+"Well, but--"
+
+"Oh, don't be uneasy--I fixed it."
+
+"Well, I'm hanged if this isn't rich!" muttered his partner, sticking
+his digits into his trowserloons--biting his lips and stamping around.
+
+"Rich! _elegant!_ In two weeks we'll be flying our birds and--"
+
+"Flying! Why, do you--"
+
+"Ha! ha! I knew I'd astonish you; Tom insisted on my keeping perfectly
+_mum_, until things were in regular working order; he then set the boys
+to work--we have large cages on top of the building--"
+
+"Come up on top of this building," said the partner, solemnly. "There,
+do you see that bundle of laths and stuff?"
+
+"Why--why, you don't pretend to say that--"
+
+"I do exactly; a scamp came along here a week ago--talked nothing but
+Carrier Pigeons--Pigeon Expresses--I thought I'd surprise you, and--"
+
+"Well, well--go on."
+
+"And by thunder I was green enough to give the fellow $200--a horse and
+wagon--"
+
+"Done! _done!_" roared the other, without waiting for further
+particulars--"$200 and a horse and wagon--just what Tom and I gave the
+scamp! ha! ha! ha!"
+
+"Haw! haw! haw!" and the publishers roared under the force of the
+_joke_.
+
+Whatever became of the pigeon express man is not distinctly known; but
+he is supposed to have given up the bird business, and gone into the
+manufacture of woolly horses and cod-liver oil.
+
+
+
+
+Jipson's Great Dinner Party.
+
+
+"Well, you must do it."
+
+"Do it?"
+
+"Do it, sir," reiterated the lady of Jipson, a man well enough to _do_
+in the world, chief clerk of a "sugar baker," and receiving his twenty
+hundred dollars a year, with no perquisites, however, and--plenty of New
+Hampshire contingencies, (to quote our beloved man of the million,
+Theodore Parker,) poor relations.
+
+"But, my dear Betsey, do you _know_, will you consider for once, that to
+_do_ a thing of the kind--to splurge out like Tannersoil, one must
+expect--at least I do--to sink a full _quarter_ of my salary, for the
+current year; yes, a full quarter?"
+
+"Oh! very well, if you are going to live up here" (Jipson had just moved
+up above "Bleecker street,")--"and bought your carriage, and
+engaged----"
+
+"Two extra servant girls," chimed in Jipson.
+
+"And a groom, sir," continued Mrs. J.
+
+"And gone into at least six hundred to eight hundred dollars a year
+extra expenses, to--a----"
+
+"To gratify yourself, and--a----"
+
+"Your--a--a--your vanity, Madam, you should have said, my dear."
+
+"Don't talk that way to me--to me--you brute; you know----"
+
+"I know all about it, my dear."
+
+"_My dear_--bah!" said the lady; "my _dear!_ save that, Mr. Jipson, for
+some of your--a--a----"
+
+What Mrs. J. might have said, we scarce could judge; but Jipson just
+then put in a "rejoinder" calculated to prevent the umpullaceous tone of
+Mrs. J.'s remarks, by saying, in a very humble strain--
+
+"Mrs. Jipson, don't make an ass of yourself: we are too old to act like
+goslings, and too well acquainted, I hope, with the matters-of-fact of
+every-day life, to quarrel about things beyond our reach or control."
+
+"If you talk of things beyond your control, Mr. Jipson, I mean beyond
+your reach, that your income will not permit us to live as other people
+live----"
+
+"I wouldn't like to," interposed Jipson.
+
+"What?" asked Mrs. Jipson.
+
+"Live like other people--that is, some people, Mrs. Jipson, that I know
+of."
+
+"You don't suppose _I'm_ going to bury myself and my poor girls in this
+big house, and have those servants standing about me, their fingers in
+their mouths, with nothing to do but----"
+
+"But what?"
+
+"But cook, and worry, and slave, and keep shut up for a----"
+
+"For what?"
+
+"For a--a----"
+
+But Mrs. J. was stuck. Jipson saw that; he divined what a _point_ Mrs.
+J. was about to, but could not conscientiously make, so he relieved her
+with--
+
+"My dear Betsey, it's a popular fallacy, an exploded idea, a
+contemptible humbug, to live merely for your neighbors, the rabble world
+at large. Thousands do it, my dear, and I've no objection to their doing
+it; it's their own business, and none of mine. I have moved up town
+because I thought it would be more pleasant; I bought a modest kind of
+family carriage because I could afford it, and believed it would add to
+our recreations and health; the carriage and horses required care; I
+engaged a man to attend to them, fix up the garden, and be useful
+generally, and added a girl or two to your domestic departments, in
+order to lighten your own cares, &c. Now, all this, my dear woman, you
+ought to know, rests a very important responsibility upon my shoulders,
+health, life, and--two thousand dollars a year, and if you imagine it
+compatible with common sense, or consonant with my judgment, to make an
+ass or fool of myself, by going into the extravagances and tom-fooleries
+of Tannersoil, our neighbor over the way, who happens for the time to be
+'under government,' with a salary of nothing to speak of, but with
+stealings equal to those of a successful freebooter, you--you--you have
+placed a--a bad estimate upon my common sense, Madam."
+
+With this flaring burst of eloquence, Jipson seized his hat, gloves and
+cane, and soon might be seen an elderly, natty, well-shaved,
+slightly-flushed gentleman taking his seat in a down town bound _bus_,
+en route for the sugar bakery of the firm of Cutt, Comeagain, & Co. It
+was evident, however, from the frequency with which Jipson plied his
+knife and rubber to his "figgers" of the day's accounts, and the
+tremulousness with which he drove the porcupine quill, that Jipson was
+thinking of something else!
+
+"Mr. Jipson, I wish you'd square up that account of Look, Sharp, & Co.,
+to-day," said Mr. Cutt, entering the counting room.
+
+"All folly!" said Jipson, scratching out a mistake from his day-book,
+and not heeding the remark, though he saw the person of his employer.
+
+"Eh?" was the ejaculation of Cutt.
+
+"All folly!"
+
+"I don't understand you, sir!" said Cutt, in utter astonishment.
+
+"Oh! I beg pardon, sir," said poor Jipson; "I beg pardon, sir. Engrossed
+in a little affair of my own, I quite overlooked your observation. I
+will attend to the account of Look, Sharp, & Co., at once, sir;" and
+while Jipson was at it, his employer went out, wondering what in faith
+could be the matter with Jipson, a man whose capacity and gentlemanly
+deportment the firm had tested to their satisfaction for many years
+previous. The little _incident_ was mentioned to the partner, Comeagain.
+The firm first laughed, then wondered what was up to disturb the usual
+equilibrium of Jipson, and ended by hoping he hadn't taken to drink or
+nothing!
+
+"Guess I'd better do it," soliloquizes Jipson. "My wife is a good woman
+enough, but like most women, lets her vanity trip up her common sense,
+now and then; she feels cut down to know that Tannersoil's folks are
+plunging out with dinners and evening parties, troops of company, piano
+going, and bawling away their new fol-de-rol music. Yes, guess I'll do
+it.
+
+"Mrs. Jipson little calculates the horrors--not only in a pecuniary, but
+domestic sense--that these dinners, suppers and parties to the rag-tag
+and bobtail, cost many honest-meaning people, who _ought_ to be ashamed
+of them.
+
+"But, I'll do it, if it costs me the whole quarter's salary!"
+
+A few days were sufficient to concoct details and arrange the programme.
+When Mrs. Jipson discovered, as she vainly supposed, the prevalence of
+"better sense" on the part of her husband, she was good as cranberry
+tart, and flew around in the best of humor, to hurry up the event that
+was to give _eclat_ to the new residence and family of the Jipsons,
+slightly dim the radiance or mushroom glory of the Tannersoil family,
+and create a commotion generally--above Bleecker street!
+
+Jipson _drew_ on his employers, for a quarter's salary. The draft was
+honored, of course, but it led to some _speculation_ on the part of "the
+firm," as to what Jipson was up to, and whether he wasn't getting into
+evil habits, and decidedly bad economy in his old age. Jipson talked,
+Mrs. Jipson talked. Their almost--in fact, Mrs. J., like most ambitious
+mothers, thought, _really_--marriageable daughters dreamed and talked
+dinner parties for the full month, ere the great event of their lives
+came duly off.
+
+One of the seeming difficulties was who to invite--who to get to come,
+and _where_ to get them! Now, originally, the Jipsons were from the
+"Hills of New Hampshire, of poor but respectable" birth. Fifteen years
+in the great metropolis had not created a very extensive acquaintance
+among solid folks; in fact, New York society fluctuates, ebbs and flows
+at such a rate, that society--such as domestic people might recognize as
+unequivocally genteel--is hard to fasten to or find. But one of the Miss
+Jipsons possessed an acquaintance with a Miss Somebody else, whose
+brother was a young gentleman of very _distingue_ air, and who knew the
+entire "ropes" of fashionable life, and people who enjoyed that sort of
+existence in the gay metropolis.
+
+Mr. Theophilus Smith, therefore, was eventually engaged. It was his, as
+many others' vocation, to arrange details, command the feast, select the
+company, and control the coming event. The Jipsons confined their
+invitations to the few, very few genteel of the family, and even the
+diminutiveness of the number invited was decimated by Mr. Smith, who was
+permitted to review the parties invited.
+
+Few domiciles--of civilian, "above Bleecker st.,"--were better
+illuminated, set off and detailed than that of Jipson, on the evening of
+the ever-memorable dinner. Smith had volunteered to "engage" a whole set
+of silver from Tinplate & Co., who generously offer our ambitious
+citizens such opportunities to splurge, for a fair consideration; while
+china, porcelain, a dozen colored waiters in white aprons, with six
+plethoric fiddlers and tooters, were also in Smith's programme. Jipson
+at first was puzzled to know where he could find volunteers to fill two
+dozen chairs, but when night came, Mr. Theophilus Smith, by force of
+tactics truly wonderful, drummed in a force to face a gross of plates,
+napkins and wine glasses.
+
+Mrs. Jipson was evidently astonished, the Misses J. not a little vexed
+at the "raft" of elegant ladies present, and the independent manner in
+which they monopolized attention and made themselves at home.
+
+Jipson swore inwardly, and looked like "a sorry man." Smith was at home,
+in his element; he was head and foot of the party. Himself and friends
+soon led and ruled the feast. The band struck up; the corks flew, the
+wine _fizzed_, the ceilings were spattered, and the walls tattooed with
+Burgundy, Claret and Champagne!
+
+"To our host!" cries Smith.
+
+"Yes--ah! 'ere's--ah! to our a--our host!" echoes another swell, already
+insolently "corned."
+
+"Where the--a--where is our worthy host?" says another specimen of
+"above Bleecker street" genteel society. "I--a say, trot out your host,
+and let's give the old fellow a toast!"
+
+"Ha! ha! b-wavo! b-wavo!" exclaimed a dozen shot-in-the-neck bloods,
+spilling their wine over the carpets, one another, and table covers.
+
+"This is intolerable!" gasps poor Jipson, who was in the act of being
+kept _cool_ by his wife, in the drawing-room.
+
+"Never mind, Jipson----"
+
+"Ah! there's the old fellaw!" cries one of the swells.
+
+"I-ah--say, Mister----"
+
+"Old roostaw, I say----"
+
+"Gentlemen!" roars Jipson, rushing forward, elevating his voice and
+fists.
+
+"For heaven's sake! Jipson," cries the wife.
+
+"Gentlemen, or bla'guards, as you are."
+
+"Oh! oh! Jipson, will you hear me?" imploringly cries Mrs. Jipson.
+
+"What--ah--are you at? Does he--ah----"
+
+"Yes, what--ah--does old Jip say?"
+
+"Who the deuce, old What's-your-name, do you call gentlemen?" chimes in
+a third.
+
+"Bla'guards!" roars Jipson.
+
+"Oh, veri well, veri well, old fellow, we--ah--are--ah--to blame
+for--ah--patronizing a snob," continues a swell.
+
+"A what?" shouts Jipson.
+
+"A plebeian!"
+
+"A codfish--ah----"
+
+"Villains! scoundrels! bla'guards!" shouts the outraged Jipson, rushing
+at the intoxicated swells, and hitting right and left, upsetting chairs,
+tables, and lamps.
+
+"Murder!" cries a knocked down guest.
+
+"E-e-e-e-e-e!" scream the ladies.
+
+"Don't! E-e-e-e! don't kill my father!" screams the daughter.
+
+Chairs and hats flew; the negro servants and Dutch fiddlers, only
+engaged for the occasion, taking no interest in a free fight, and not
+caring two cents who whipped, laid back and--
+
+"Yaw! ha! ha! De lor'! Yaw! ha! ha!"
+
+Mrs. Jipson fainted; ditto two others of the family; the men folks (!)
+began to travel; the ladies (!) screamed; called for their hats, shawls,
+and _chaperones_,--the most of the latter, however, were _non est_, or
+too well "set up," to heed the common state of affairs.
+
+Jipson finally cleared the house. Silence reigned within the walls for a
+week. In the interim, Mrs. Jipson and the daughters not only got over
+their hysterics, but ideas of gentility, as practised "above Bleecker
+street." It took poor Jipson an entire year to recuperate his financial
+"outs," while it took the whole family quite as long to get over their
+grand debut as followers of fashion in the great metropolis.
+
+
+
+
+Look out for them Lobsters.
+
+
+Deacon ----, who resides in a pleasant village inside of an hour's ride
+upon Fitchburg road, rejoices in a fondness for the long-tailed
+_crustacea_, vulgarly known as lobsters. And, from messes therewith
+fulminated, by _some_ of our professors of gastronomics that we have
+seen, we do not attach any wonder at all to the deacon's penchant for
+the aforesaid shell-fish. The deacon had been disappointed several times
+by assertions of the lobster merchants, who, in their overwhelming zeal
+to effect a sale, had been a little too sanguine of the precise _time_
+said lobsters were caught and boiled; hence, after lugging home a ten
+pound specimen of the vasty deep, miles out into the quiet country, the
+deacon was often sorely vexed to find the lobster no better than it
+should be!
+
+"Why don't you get them alive, deacon?" said a friend,--"get them alive
+and kicking, deacon; boil them yourself; be sure of their freshness, and
+have them cooked more carefully and properly."
+
+"Well said," quoth the deacon; "so I can, for they sell them, I observe,
+near the depot,--right out of the boat. I'm much obliged for the
+notion."
+
+The next visit of the good deacon to Boston,--as he was about to return
+home, he goes to the bridge and bargains for two live lobsters, fine,
+active, lusty-clawed fellows, alive and kicking, and no mistake!
+
+"But what will I do with them?" says the deacon to the purveyor of the
+_crustacea_, as he gazed wistfully upon the two sprawling, ugly, green
+and scratching lobsters, as they lay before him upon the planks at his
+feet.
+
+"Do with 'em?" responded the lobster merchant,--"why, bile 'em and eat
+'em! I bet you a dollar you never ate better lobsters 'n them, nohow,
+mister!"
+
+The deacon looked anxiously and innocently at the speaker, as much as to
+say--"you don't say so?"
+
+"I mean, friend, how shall I get them home?"
+
+"O," says the lobster merchant, "that's easy enough; here, Saul," says
+he, calling up a frizzle-headed lad in blue pants--_sans_ hat or boots,
+and but one _gallows_ to his breeches, "here, you, light upon these
+lobsters and carry 'em home for this old gentleman."
+
+"Goodness, bless you," says the deacon; "why friend, I reside ten miles
+out in the country!"
+
+"O, the blazes you do!" says the lobster merchant; "well, I tell you,
+Saul can carry 'em to the cars for you in this 'ere bag, if you're goin'
+out?"
+
+"Truly, he can," quoth the deacon; "and Saul can go right along with
+me."
+
+The lobsters were dashed into a piece of Manilla sack, thrown across the
+shoulders of the juvenile Saul, and away they went at the heels of the
+deacon, to the depot; here Saul dashed down the "poor creturs" until
+their bones or shells rattled most piteously, and as the deacon handed a
+"three cent piece" to Saul, the long and wicked claw of one of the
+lobsters protruded out of the bag--opened and shut with a _clack_, that
+made the deacon shudder!
+
+"Those fellows are plaguy awkward to handle, are they not, my son?" says
+the deacon.
+
+"Not _werry_," says the boy; "they can't bite, cos you see they's got
+pegs down here--_hallo!_" As Saul poked his hand down towards the big
+claw lying partly out of the open-mouthed bag, the claw opened, and
+_clacked_ at his fingers, ferocious as a mad dog.
+
+"His peg's out," said the boy--"and I can't fasten it; but here's a
+chunk of twine; tie the bag and they can't get out, any how, and you
+kin put 'em into yer pot right out of the bag."
+
+"Yes, yes," says the deacon; "I guess I will take care of them; bring
+them here; there, just place the bag right in under my seat; so, that
+will do."
+
+Presently the cars began to fill up, as the minute of departure
+approached, and soon every seat around the worthy deacon was occupied.
+By-and-by, "a middle-aged lady," in front of the deacon, began to
+_fussle_ about and twist around, as if anxious to arrange the great
+amplitude of her _drapery_, and look after something "bothering" her
+feet. In front of the lady, sat a _slab_-sided _genus_ dandy, fat as a
+match and quite as good looking; between his legs sat a pale-face dog,
+with a flashing collar of brass and tinsel, quite as gaudy as his
+master's neck-choker; this canine gave an awful--
+
+"_Ihk!_ ow, yow! yow-oo--yow, ook! yow! _yow!_ YOW!"
+
+"Lor' a massy!" cries the woman in front of the deacon, jumping up, and
+making a desperate splurge to get up on to the seats, and in the effort
+upsetting sundry bundles and parcels around her!
+
+"Yow-_ook!_ Yow-_ook!_" yelled the dog, jumping clear out of the grasp
+of the juvenile _Mantillini_, and dashing himself on to the head and
+shoulders of the next seat occupants, one of whom was a sturdy civilized
+Irishman, who made "no bones" in grasping the sickly-looking dog, and to
+the horror and alarm of the entire female party present, he sung out:
+
+"Whur-r-r ye about, ye brute! Is the divil _mad_?"
+
+"Eee! Ee! O dear! O! O!" cries an anxious mother.
+
+"O! O! O-o-o! save us from the dog!" cries another.
+
+"Whur-r-r-r! ye _divil!_" cries the Irish gintilman, pinning the poor
+dog down between the seats, with a force that extracted another glorious
+yell.
+
+"Ike! Ike! Ike! oo, ow! ow! Ike! Ike! Ike!"
+
+"Murder! mur-r-r-der!" bawls another victim in the rear of the deacon,
+leaping up in his seat, and rubbing his leg vigorously.
+
+"What on airth's loose?" exclaims one.
+
+"Halloo! what's that?" cries another, hastily vacating his seat and
+crowding towards the door.
+
+"O dear, O! O!" anxiously cries a delicate young lady.
+
+"What? who? where?" screamed a dozen at once.
+
+"Good _conscience!_" exclaims the deacon, as he dropped his newspaper,
+in the midst of the din--noise and confusion; and with a most singular
+and spasmodic effort to dance a "_high_land fling," he hustled out of
+his seat, exclaiming:
+
+"Good conscience, I really believe they're out."
+
+"Eh? What--what's out?" cries one.
+
+"Snakes!" echoes an old gentleman, grasping a cane.
+
+"Snappin' turtles, Mister?" inquire several.
+
+"Snakes!" cried a dozen.
+
+"Snappers!" echoes a like quantity of the dismayed.
+
+"Snapper-r-r-r-rs!"
+
+"Snake-e-e-es!" O what a din!
+
+"Halloo! here, what's all this? What's the matter?" says the conductor,
+coming to the rescue.
+
+"That man's got snakes in the car!" roar several at once.
+
+"And snappin' turtles, too, consarn him!" says one, while all eyes were
+directed, tongues wagging, and hands gesticulating furiously at the
+astonished deacon.
+
+"Take care of them! Take care of them! I believe I'm bitten clear
+through my boot--catch them, Mr. Swallow!" cries the deacon.
+
+"Swallow 'em, Mr. Catcher!" echoes the frightened dandy.
+
+"What? where?" says the excited conductor, looking around.
+
+"Here, here, in under these seats, sir,--_my lobsters, sir_," says the
+deacon, standing aloof to let the conductor and the man with the cane
+get at the _reptiles_, as the latter insisted.
+
+"Darn 'em, are they only lobsters!"
+
+"Pooh! Lobsters!" says young Mantillini, with a mock heroic shrug of his
+shoulders, and looking fierce as two cents!
+
+"Come out here!" says the conductor, feeling for them.
+
+"Take care!" says the deacon, "the plaguy things have got their pins
+out!"
+
+"Why, they are _alive_, and crawling around; hear the old fellow,--take
+care, Mr. Swaller--he's cross as sin!" says the man with the
+cane--"wasn't that a _snap_? Take care! You got him?" that indefatigable
+assistant continued, rattling his tongue and cane.
+
+"I've got them!" cries the conductor.
+
+"Put them in the bag, here, sir," says the deacon.
+
+"Take them out of this car!" cries everybody.
+
+"Plaguy things," says the deacon. "I sha'n't never buy another _live
+lobster!_"
+
+Order was restored, passengers took their seats, but when young
+Mantillini looked for his dog, he had vamosed with the _Irishman_, at
+"the last stopping place," in his excitement, leaving a quart jug of
+whiskey in lieu of the dandy's dog.
+
+
+
+
+The Fitzfaddles at Hull.
+
+
+"Well, well, drum no more about it, for mercy's sake; if you must go,
+you must _go_, that's all."
+
+"Yes, just like you, Fitzfaddle"--pettishly reiterates the lady of the
+middle-aged man of business; "mention any thing that would be gratifying
+to the children--"
+
+"The children--_umph!_"
+
+"Yes, the children; only mention taking the dear, tied-up souls to,
+to--to the Springs--"
+
+"_Haven't_ they been to Saratoga? _Didn't_ I spend a month of my
+precious time and a thousand of my precious dollars there, four years
+ago, to be physicked, cheated, robbed, worried, starved, and--laughed
+at?" Fitzfaddle responds.
+
+"Or, to the sea-side--" continued the lady.
+
+"Sea-side! good conscience!" exclaims Fitzfaddle; "my dear Sook--"
+
+"Don't call me _Sook_, Fitzfaddle; _Sook!_ I'm not _in_ the kitchen, nor
+_of_ the kitchen, you'll please remember, Fitzfaddle!" said the lady,
+with evident feeling.
+
+"O," echoed Fitz, "God bless me, Mrs. Fitzfaddle, don't be so rabid;
+don't be foolish, in your old days; my dear, we've spent the happiest of
+our days in the kitchen; when we were first married, _Susan_, when our
+whole stock in trade consisted of five ricketty chairs--"
+
+"Well, that's enough about it--" interposed the lady.
+
+"A plain old pine breakfast table--" continued Fitz.
+
+"I'd stop, just THERE--" scowlingly said Mrs. Fitz.
+
+"My father's old chest, and your mother's old corner cupboard--"
+persevered the indefatigable monster.
+
+"I'd go through the whole inventory--" angrily cried Mrs. Fitz--"clean
+down to--"
+
+"The few broken pots, pans, and dishes we had--"
+
+"Don't you--_don't you feel ashamed of yourself_?" exclaims Mrs. Fitz,
+about as full of anger as she could well contain; but Fitz keeps the
+even tenor of his way.
+
+"Not at all, my dear; Heaven forbid that I should ever forget a jot of
+the real happiness of any portion of my life. When you and I, dear Sook
+(an awful scowl, and a sudden change of her position, on her costly
+rocking chair. Fitz looked askance at Mrs. Fitz, and proceeded); when
+you and I, _Susan_, lived in Dowdy's little eight by ten 'blue frame,'
+down in Pigginsborough; not a yard of carpet, or piece of mahogany, or
+silver, or silk, or satin, or flummery of any sort, the five old
+chairs--"
+
+"Good conscience! are you going to have that over again?" cries Mrs.
+Fitz, with the utmost chagrin.
+
+"The old white pine table--"
+
+Mrs. Fitz starts in horror.
+
+"My father's old chest, and your mother's old corner cupboard!"
+
+Mrs. Fitz, in an agony, walks the floor!
+
+"The few broken or cracked pots, pans and dishes, we had--"
+
+Nature quite "gin eout"--the exhausted Mrs. Fitzfaddle throws herself
+down upon the sumptuous _conversazione_, and absorbs her grief in the
+ample folds of a lace-wrought handkerchief (bought at Warren's--cost the
+entire profits of ten quintals of Fitzfaddle & Co.'s A No. 1 cod!),
+while the imperturbable Fitz drives on--
+
+"Your mother's old cooking stove, Susan--the time and again, Susan, I've
+sat in that little kitchen--"
+
+Mrs. Fitzfaddle shudders all over. Each reminiscence, so dear to
+Fitzfaddle, seems a dagger to her.
+
+"With little Nanny--"
+
+"You--you brute! You--you vulgar--you--you Fitzfaddle. Nanny! to call
+your daughter N-Nanny!"
+
+"Nanny! why, yes, Nanny--" says the matter-of-fact head of the firm of
+Fitzfaddle & Co. "I believe we did intend to call the girl Nancy; we
+_did_ call her Nanny, Mrs. Fitzfaddle; but, like all the rest, by your
+innovations, things have kept changing no better fast. I believe my soul
+that girl has had five changes in her name before you concluded it was
+up to the highest point of modern respectability. From Nancy you had it
+Nannette, from Nannette to Ninna, from Ninna to Naomi, and finally it
+was rested at Anna Antoinette De Orville Fitzfaddle! Such a mess of
+nonsense to _handle_ my plain name."
+
+"Anna Antoinette De Orville"--said Mrs. Fitz, suddenly rallying, "_is_ a
+name, only made _plain_ by your ugly and countryfied prefix. De Orville
+is a name," said the lady.
+
+"I should like to know," said the old gentleman, "upon what pretext,
+Mrs. Fitzfaddle, you lay claim to such a Frenchy and flighty name or
+title as De Orville?"
+
+"Wasn't it my family name, you brute?" cried Mrs. Fitz.
+
+"Ho! ho! ho! Sook, Sook, _Sook_," says Fitzfaddle.
+
+"_Sook!_" almost screams Mrs. Fitz.
+
+"Yes, _Sook_, Sook _Scovill_, daughter of a good old-fashioned,
+patriotic farmer--_Timothy Scovill_, of Tanner's Mills, in the county of
+Tuggs--down East. And when I married Sook (Mrs. Fitz jumped up, a
+rustling of silk is heard--a door slams, and the old gentleman finishes
+his domestic narrative, _solus!_), she was as fine a gal as the State
+ever produced. We were poor, and we knew it; wasn't discouraged or put
+out, on the account of our poverty. We started in the world square;
+happy as clams, nothing but what was useful around us; it is a happy
+reflection to look back upon those old chairs, pine table, my father's
+old chest, and Sook's mother's old corner cupboard--the cracked pots
+and pans--the old stove--Sook as ruddy and bright as a full-blown rose,
+as she bent over the hot stove in our parlor, dining room, and
+kitchen--turning her slap-jacks, frying, baking and boiling, and I often
+by her side, with our first child, Nanny, on my--"
+
+"Well, I hope by this time you're over your vulgar Pigginsborough
+recollections, Fitzfaddle!" exclaims Mrs. Fitz, re-entering the parlor.
+
+"I was just concluding, my dear, the happy time when I sat and read to
+you, or held Nanny, while you--"
+
+"Fitzfaddle, for goodness' sake--"
+
+"While you--ruddy and bright, my dear, as the full-blown rose, bent over
+your mother's old cook stove--"
+
+"Are you crazy, Fitz, or do you want to craze me?" cried the really
+_tried_ woman.
+
+"Turning your slap-jacks," continues Fitz, suiting the action to the
+word.
+
+"Fitzfaddle!" cries Mrs. Fitz, in the most sublimated paroxysm of pity
+and indignation, but Fitz let it come.
+
+"_While I dandled Nanny on my knee!_"
+
+A pause ensues; Fitzfaddle, in contemplation of the past, and Mrs. Fitz
+fortifying herself for the opening of a campaign to come. At length,
+after a deal of "dicker," Fitz remembering only the bad dinners, small
+rooms, large bills, sick, parboiled state of the children, clash and
+clamor of his trips to the Springs, sea-side and mountain resorts; and
+Mrs. Fitz dwelling over the strong opposition (show and extravagance)
+she had run against the many ambitious shop-keepers' wives, tradesmen's,
+lawyers' and doctors' daughters--Mrs. Fitz gained her point, and the
+family,--Mrs. Fitz, the two now marriageable daughters--Anna Antoinette
+De Orville, and Eugenia Heloise De Orville, and Alexander Montressor De
+Orville, and two servants--start in style, for the famed city of Hull!
+
+It was yet early in the season, and Fitzfaddle had secured, upon
+accommodating terms, rooms &c., of Mrs. Fitzfaddle's own choosing. With
+the diplomacy of five prime ministers, and with all the pride, pomp and
+circumstance of a fine-looking woman of two-and-forty,--husband rich,
+and indulgent at that; armed with two "marriageable daughters," you
+may--if at all familiar with life at a "watering-place," fancy Mrs.
+Fitzfaddle's feelings, and perhaps, also, about a third of the _swarth_
+she cut. The first evident opposition Mrs. Fitz encountered, was from
+the wife of a wine merchant. This lady made her _entree_ at ---- House,
+with a pair of bays and "body servant," two poodles, and an immensity of
+band boxes, patent leather trunks, and--her husband. The first day Mrs.
+Oldport sat at table, her new style of dress, and her European jewels,
+were the afternoon talk; but at tea, the Fitzfaddles _spread_, and Mrs.
+Oldport was bedimmed, easy; the next day, however, "turned up" an
+artist's wife and daughter, whose unique elegance of dress and
+proficiency in music took down the entire collection! Mrs. Michael
+Angelo Smythe and daughter captivated two of Mrs. Fitzfaddle's
+"circle"--a young naval gent and a 'quasi Southern planter, much to her
+chagrin and Fitzfaddle's pecuniary suffering; for next evening Mrs. F.
+got up,--to get back her two recruits--a grand private _hop_, at a cost
+of $130! And the close of the week brought such a cloud of beauty,
+jewels, marriageable daughters and ambitious mothers, wives, &c., that
+Mrs. Fitzfaddle got into such a worry with her diplomatic arrangements,
+her competitions, stratagems,--her fuss, her jewels, silks, satins and
+feathers, that a nervous-headache preceded a typhus fever, and the
+unfortunate lady was forced to retire from the field of her glory at the
+end of the third week, entirely prostrated; and poor Jonas Fitzfaddle
+out of pocket--more or less--_five hundred dollars!_ The last we heard
+of Fitzfaddle, he was apostrophizing the good old times when he rejoiced
+in five old chairs--cook stove--slap-jacks, &c.!
+
+
+
+
+Putting Me on a Platform!
+
+
+Human nature doubtless has a great many weak points, and no few bipeds
+have a great itching after notoriety and fame. Fame, I am credibly
+informed, is not unlike a greased pig, always hard chased, but too
+eternal slippery for every body to hold on to! I have never cared a
+tinker's curse for glory myself; the satisfaction of getting quietly
+along, while in pursuit of bread, comfort and knowledge, has sufficed to
+engross my individual attention; but I've often "had my joke" by
+observing the various grand dashes made by cords of folks, from snob to
+nob, patrician to plebeian, in their gyrations to form a circle, in
+which they might be the centre pin! This desire, or feeling, is a part
+and parcel of human nature; you will observe it every where--among the
+dusky and man-eating citizens of the Fejee Islands--the dog-eating
+population of China--the beef-eaters of England, and their descendants,
+ye _Yankoos_ of the new world; all, all have a tendency for lionization.
+
+This very _innocent_ pastime finds a great many supporters, too;
+toadyism is the main prop that sustains and exalteth the vain glory of
+man; if you can only get a _toady_--the _more_ the better--you can the
+sooner and firmer fix your digits upon the greased pig of fame; but as
+thrift must always follow fawning, or toadyism, it is most essentially
+necessary that you be possessed of a greater or lesser quantity of the
+goods and chattels of this world, or some kind of tangible effects, to
+grease the wheels of your emollient supporters; otherwise you will soon
+find all your air-built castles, dignity and glory, dissolve into mere
+gas, and your stern in the gravel immediately.
+
+Such is the pursuit of glory, and such its supporters, their gas and
+human weakness. I have said that I never sought distinction, but I have
+had it thrust upon me more than once, and the last effort of the kind
+was so particularly _salubrious_, that I must relate to you,
+_confidentially_ of course, how it came about.
+
+When I first came to Boston, as a matter of course, I spent much of my
+time in surveying "the lions," dipping into this, and peeping into that;
+promenading the Common and climbing the stupendous stairway of Bunker
+Hill; ransacking the forts, islands, beautiful Auburn, &c., &c.
+
+Finally, I went into the State House, but as this notable building was
+undergoing some repairs, placards were tacked up about the doors,
+prohibiting persons from strolling about the capitol. The attendant was
+very polite, and told me, and several others desirous to see the
+building inside, that if we called in the course of a few days, we could
+be gratified, but for the present no one but those engaged about the
+work, were allowed to enter. I persisted so closely in my desire to
+examine the interior, while on the spot, that the man, when the rest of
+the visitors had gone, relented, and I was not only allowed to see what
+I should see, but he _toted_ me "round."
+
+We sauntered into the Assembly Chamber, surveyed and learned all the
+particulars of that, peered into the side-rooms, closets, &c., and then
+came to the Senate Chamber. This you know is something finer than the
+country meeting house, or circus-looking Assembly Chamber, where the
+"fresh-men," or green members from Hard-Scrabble, Hull, Squantum,
+etc.,--incipient Demostheneses, and sucking Ciceros, first tap their
+gasometers "in the haouse." Here I found the venerable pictures of the
+ancient _mugs_, who have figured as Governors, &c., of the commonwealth,
+from the days of Puritan Winthrop to the ever-memorable Morton, who,
+strange as it may appear, was really elected Governor, though a
+double-distilled Democrat. Bucklers, swords, drums and muskets, that
+doubtless rattled and banged away upon Bunker Hill, were duly, carefully
+and critically examined, and as a finale to my debut in the Senate, I
+mounted the Speaker's stand, and spouted about three feet of Webster's
+first oration at Bunker Hill. To be sure, my audience was _small_, but
+_it_ was duly attentive, and as I waved my hands aloft, and thumped my
+ribs, after the most approved system of patriotic vehemence of the day,
+he--my audience--opened his mouth, and stretched his eyes to the size of
+dinner plates, at my prodigious slaps at eloquence; the very ears of the
+_canvased_ governors seemed pricked up, and I descended the stand big as
+Mogul, insinuated "a quarter" into the palm of the polite attendant,
+informed him I should call in a few days to take a view from the top of
+the dome, &c. He bowed and I took myself off.
+
+Several days afterwards I found myself in the vicinity of the State
+House; so, thinks I, I'll just drop in, and go up to the top of the dome
+and get a view of the city and suburbs.
+
+My chaperon was on hand, and he no sooner clapped eyes upon me, than he
+pitched into all manner of highfernooten flub-dubs, bowed and scraped,
+and regretted that the day was so misty and dull, as I would not be
+enabled to have half a chance to get a view.
+
+"I wouldn't try it to-day, sir," said he.
+
+"What's the reason?" asked I.
+
+"Oh," replied he, "you'll not see half the outline of the city and the
+villages around, and you'll want to get them all down distinct."
+
+"Get them all _down_ distinct?" quoth I.
+
+"Yes, sir; and the day is so dull and cloudy that you'll not see half
+the prominent buildings, never mind the whole of the former and not so
+easily seen houses. You intend taking a full view, don't you, sir?"
+
+"Why, yes, I would like to," says I, partly lost to conceive what caused
+such a sudden and unaccountable ebullition of the man's great interest
+in my getting "a first rate notice" of matters and things from the top
+of the capitol! But up I went, in spite of my attentive friend's fears
+of my not getting quite so clear and distinct a view as he could wish.
+Having gratified myself with such a view as the weather and the height
+of the capitol afforded (and in clear weather you can get far the best
+survey of Boston and the environs from the top of the State House than
+from any other promontory about), I descended again. At the foot of the
+stairway my assiduous cicerone again beset me, introduced several other
+miscellaneous-looking chaps to me, and, in short, was making of me, why
+or wherefore I knew not, quite a lion!
+
+"Well, sir," said he, "what do you think of it, sir? Could you get the
+outline?"
+
+"Not very well," said I, "but the view is very fine."
+
+"O, yes, sir," said he; "but as soon as you wish to begin, sir, let me
+know, and I'll lock the upper doors when you go up, and you'll not be
+disturbed, sir."
+
+"Lock the doors?" said I, in some amazement.
+
+"Yes, sir," quoth he, "but it would be best to come as early in the
+morning as possible, or, if convenient, before the visitors begin to
+come up; they'd disturb you, you know!"
+
+"Disturb _me!_ Why, I don't know how they would do that?"
+
+"Why, sir, when Mr. Smith--you know Mr. Smith, sir, I suppose?"
+
+"Why, yes; the name strikes me as _somewhat_ familiar; do you refer to
+_John Smith_?" I observed, beginning to participate in the joke, which
+began to develop itself pretty distinctly.
+
+"Yes, sir; I believe his name is John--John R. Smith; he's a splendid
+artist, sir; _his_ sketch or panorama is a beauty! Sir! did you ever see
+his panorama?"
+
+"I think I did, in New York," I replied.
+
+By this time some dozen or two visitors had congregated around us, and I
+was the centre of a considerable circle, and from the whispers, and
+pointing of fingers, I felt duly sensible, that, great or small, I was a
+LION! Under what auspices, I was in too dense a fog to make out; to me
+it was an unaccountable mist'ry.
+
+"I'll tell you what I can do, sir," continued my toady; "I can have a
+small platform erected, outside of the cupola, for you, to place your
+_designs_ or sketches on, and you'll not be so liable to be disturbed.
+Mr. Smith, he had a platform made, sir."
+
+I beckoned the man to step aside, in the Senate Chamber.
+
+"Now, sir," said I, "you will please inform me, who the devil do you
+take me for?"
+
+"Oh, I knew who you were, the moment you came in, sir," said he, with a
+very knowing leer out of his half-squinting eyes.
+
+"Did you? Well then I must certainly give you credit for devilish keen
+perception; but, if it's a fair question," I continued, "what do you
+mean by fixing a platform for my _designs_? You don't think I'm going to
+fly, jump or deliver orations from the cupola, do you?"
+
+"No, I don't; but you're to draw a grand panorama of Boston, ain't you?"
+
+"ME?"
+
+"Yes, you; ain't your name Mr. Banvard?"
+
+"Oh, yes, yes--I understand--you've found me out, but keep dark--mum's
+the word--you understand?" said I, winkingly.
+
+"Yes, sir; I'll fix it all right; you'll want the platform outside, I
+guess."
+
+"Yes; out with it, and _keep dark until I come!_"
+
+I skeeted down them steps into the Common to let off my corked up
+risibilities.--Whether the man actually did prepare a platform for my
+designs, or whether Banvard ever went to take his designs there, I am
+unable to say, as I went South a few days afterward, and did not return
+for some time.
+
+
+
+
+The Exorbitancy of Meanness.
+
+
+Few _extravaganzas_ of man or woman lay such a heavy _stress_ upon the
+pocket-book or purse as meanness. This may seem paradoxical, but it's
+nothing of the kind. How many thousands to save a cent, walk a mile! How
+many to cut down expenses, cut off a thousand of the little "filling
+ins" which go to make us both happy and healthy! Jones refused to let
+his little boy run an errand for Johnson, and when Jones's house was in
+a blaze, Johnson forbid him touching his water to put it out. Smith by
+accident ran his wagon afoul of Peppers's cart, Peppers in revenge "cut
+away" at Smith's horse; horse ran away, broke the wagon, dislocated
+Smith's collar-bone; a suit at law followed, and Peppers being a mighty
+spunky, as well as a powerfully mean man, fought it out four years, and
+finally sunk every cent he had in the world by the slight transaction.
+It is a first-rate idea to be economical, but the man who sees and
+feels, and smells and tastes, entirely through his pocket-book, isn't
+worth cultivating an acquaintance with. Go in, marry money if you can,
+save up some, but don't cultivate meanness, for it never pays.
+
+
+
+
+"Taking Down" a Sheriff.
+
+
+Ex-honorable John Buck, once the "representative" of a _district_ out
+West, a lawyer originally, and finally a gentleman at large, and Jeremy
+Diddler generally, took up his quarters in Philadelphia, years ago, and
+putting himself upon his dignity, he managed for a time, _sans
+l'argent_, to live like a prince. Buck was what the world would call a
+devilish clever fellow; he was something of a scholar, with the
+smattering of a gentleman; good at off-hand dinner table oratory, good
+looking, and what never fails to take down the ladies, he wore hair
+enough about his countenance to establish two Italian grand dukes. Buck
+was "an awful blower," but possessed common-sense enough not to waste
+his _gas_-conade--ergo, he had the merit not to falsify to ye ancient
+falsifiers.
+
+The Honorable Mr. Buck's _manner_ of living not being "seconded" by a
+corresponding manner of _means_, he very frequently ran things in the
+ground, got in debt, head and heels. The Honorable Mr. B. had patronized
+a dealer in Spanish mantles, corduroys and opera vests, to the amount of
+some two hundred dollars; and, very naturally, ye fabricator of said
+cloth appurtenances for ye body, got mad towards the last, and
+threatened "the Western member" with a course of legal sprouts, unless
+he "showed cause," or came up and squared the yards. As Hon. John Buck
+had had frequent invitations to pursue such courses, and not being
+spiritually or personally inclined that way, he let the notice slide.
+
+Shears, the tailor, determined to put the Hon. John through; so he got
+out a writ of the savagest kind--arson, burglary and false
+pretence--and a deputy sheriff was soon on the taps to smoke the Western
+member out of his boots. Upon inquiring at the United States Hotel,
+where the honorable gentleman had been wont to "put up," they found he
+had vacated weeks before and gone to Yohe's Hotel. Thither, the next
+day, the deputy repaired, but old Mother Yohe--rest her soul!--informed
+the officer that the honorable gentleman had stepped out one morning, in
+a hurry like, and forgot to pay a small bill!
+
+John was next traced to the Marshall House, where he had left his mark
+and cleared for Sanderson's, where the indefatigable tailor and his
+terrier of the law, pursued the member, and learned that he had gone to
+Washington!
+
+"Done! by Jeems!" cried Shears.
+
+"Hold on," says the deputy, "hold on; he's not off; merely a dodge to
+get away from this house; we'll find him. Wait!"
+
+Shears did wait, so did the deputy sheriff, until other bills, amounting
+to a good round sum, were lodged at the Sheriff's office, and the very
+Sheriff himself took it in hand to nab the _cidevant_ M. C., and cause
+him to suffer a little for his country and his friends!
+
+Now, it so chanced that Sheriff F., who was a politician of popular
+renown--a good, jolly fellow--knew the Hon. Mr. Buck, having had "the
+pleasure of his acquaintance" some months previous, and having been
+_floored_ in a political argument with the "Western member," was
+inclined to be down upon him.
+
+"I'll snake him, I'll engage," says Sheriff F., as he thrust "the
+documents" into his pocket and proceeded to hunt up the transgressor.
+Accidentally, as it were, who should the Sheriff meet, turning a corner
+into the grand _trottoir_, Chestnut street, but our gallant hero of ye
+ballot-box in the rural districts, once upon a time!
+
+"Ah, ha-a-a! How are ye, Sheriff?" boisterously exclaims the Ex-M. C.,
+as familiarly as you please.
+
+"Ah, ha! Mr. Buck," says the Sheriff, "glad (?) to see you."
+
+"Fine day, Sheriff?"
+
+"Elegant, sir, _prime_," says the Sheriff.
+
+"What do you think of Mr. Jigger's speech on the Clam trade? Did you
+read Mr. Porkapog's speech on the widening of Jenkins's ditch?"
+
+For which general remarks on the affairs of the nation, Sheriff F. _put_
+some corresponding replies, and so they proceeded along until they
+approached a well-known dining saloon, then under the supervision of a
+burly Englishman; and, as it was about the time people dined, and the
+Sheriff being a man that liked a fat dinner and a fine bottle, about as
+well as any body, when the Hon. Mr. Buck proposed--
+
+"What say you, Sheriff, to a dinner and a bottle of old Sherry, at ----?
+We don't often meet (?), so let's sit down and have a quiet talk over
+things."
+
+"Well, Mr. Buck," says the Sheriff, "I would like to, just as soon as
+not, but I've got a disagreeable bit of business with you, and it would
+be hardly friendly to eat your dinner before apprizing you of the fact,
+sir."
+
+"Ah! Sheriff, what is it, pray?" says the somewhat alarmed Diddler;
+"nothing serious, of course?"
+
+"Oh, no, not serious, particularly; only a _writ_, Mr. Buck; a writ,
+that's all."
+
+"For my arrest?"
+
+"Your arrest, sir, on sight," says the Sheriff.
+
+"The deuce! What's the charge!"
+
+"Debt--false pretence--_swindling!_"
+
+"Ha! ha! that is a good one!" says the slight'y cornered Ex-M. C.;
+"well, hang it, Sheriff, don't let business spoil our digestion; come,
+let us dine, and then I'm ready for execution!" says the "Western
+member," with well affected gaiety.
+
+Stepping into a private room, they rang the bell, and a burly waiter
+appeared.
+
+"Now, Mr. F.," says the adroit Ex-M. C., "call for just what you like; I
+leave it to you, sir."
+
+"Roast ducks; what do you say, Buck?"
+
+"Good."
+
+"Oyster sauce and lobster salad?"
+
+"Good," again echoes the Ex-M. C.
+
+"And a--Well, waiter, you bring some of the best side dishes you have,"
+says the Sheriff.
+
+"Yes, sir," says the waiter, disappearing to fill the order.
+
+"What are you going to drink, Sheriff?" asks the honorable gent.
+
+"Oh! ah, yes! Waiter, bring us a bottle of Sherry; you take Sherry,
+Buck?"
+
+"Yes, I'll go Sherry."
+
+The Sherry was brought, and partly discussed by the time the dinner was
+spread.
+
+"They keep the finest Port here you ever tasted," says the Diddler.
+
+"Do they!" he responds; "well, suppose we try it?"
+
+A bottle of old Port was brought, and the two worthies sat back and
+really enjoyed themselves in the saloon of the sumptuously kept
+restaurant; they then drank and smoked, until sated nature cried enough,
+and the Sheriff began to think of business.
+
+"Suppose we top off with a fine bottle of English ale, Sheriff!"
+
+"Well, be it so; and then, Buck, we'll have to proceed to the office."
+
+"Waiter, bring me a couple of bottles of your English ale," says the
+Hon. Mr. Buck.
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"And I'll see to the bill, Sheriff, while the waiter brings the ale,"
+said the Ex-M. C., leaving the room "for a moment," to speak to the
+landlord.
+
+"Landlord," says the Diddler, "do you know that gentleman with whom I've
+dined in 15?"
+
+"No, I don't," says the landlord.
+
+"Well," continues Diddler, "I've no _particular_ acquaintance with him;
+he invited me here to dine; I suppose he intends to pay for what he
+ordered, but (whispering) _you had better get your money before he gets
+out of that room!_"
+
+"Oh! oh! coming that are dodge, eh? I'll show him!" said the burly
+landlord, making tracks for the room, from which the Sheriff was now
+emerging, to look after his prisoner.
+
+"There's for the ale," says the Diddler, placing half a dollar in the
+waiter's hand; "I ordered that, and there's for it." So saying, he
+vamosed.
+
+"Say, but look here, Buck, I say, hold on; I've got a writ, and--"
+
+"Hang the writ! Pay your bill like a gentleman, and come along!"
+exclaimed the Ex-M. C., making himself _scarce!_
+
+It was in vain that the Sheriff stated his "authority," and innocence in
+the pecuniary affairs of the dinner, for the waiter swore roundly that
+the other gentleman had paid for all he ordered, and the landlord, who
+could not be convinced to the contrary, swore that the idea was to gouge
+him, which couldn't be done, and before the Sheriff got off, he had his
+wallet depleted of five dollars; and he not only lost his prisoner, but
+lost his temper, at the trick played upon him by the Hon. Jeremy
+Diddler.
+
+
+
+
+Governor Mifflin's First Coal Fire.
+
+
+It is truly astonishing, that the inexhaustible beds--mines of
+anthracite coal, lying along the Schuylkill river and ridges, valleys
+and mountains, from old Berks county to the mountains of Shamokin, were
+not found out and applied to domestic uses, fully fifty years before
+they were! Coal has been exhumed from the earth, and burned in forges
+and grates in Europe, from time immemorial, we think, yet we distinctly
+remember when a few canal boats only were engaged in transporting from
+the few mines that were open and worked along the Schuylkill--the
+comparatively few tons of anthracite coal consumed in Philadelphia, not
+sent away. As far back as 1820, we believe, there was but little if any
+coal shipped to Philadelphia, from the Schuylkill mines at all.
+
+Our venerable friend, the still vivacious and clear-headed Col. Davis,
+of Delaware, gave us, a few years ago, a rather amusing account of the
+first successful attempt of a very distinguished old gentleman, Gov.
+Mifflin, to ignite a pile of stone coal. The date of the transaction,
+more's the pity, has escaped us, but the facts of the case are something
+after this fashion.
+
+Gov. Mifflin, of Pennsylvania, lived and owned a fine estate in Mifflin
+county, and in which county was discovered from time to time, any
+quantity of black rock, as the farmers commonly called the then unknown
+anthracite. Of course, the old governor knew something about stone coal,
+and had a slight inkling of its character. At hours of leisure, the
+governor was in the habit of experimenting upon the black rocks by
+subjecting them to wood fire upon his hearths; but the hard, almost
+flint-like anthracite of that region resisted, with most obdurate
+pertinacity, the oft-repeated attempts of the governor to set it on
+fire. It finally became a joke among the neighboring Pennsylvania Dutch
+farmers, and others of the vicinity, that Gov. Mifflin was studying out
+a theory to set his hills and fields on fire, and burn out the obnoxious
+black rock and boulders. But, despite the jibes and jokes of his
+dogmatical friends, the old governor stuck to his experiments, and the
+result produced, as most generally it does through perseverance and
+practice, a new and useful fact, or principle.
+
+One cold and wintry day, Gov. Mifflin was cosily perched up in his
+easy-chair, before the great roaring, blazing hickory fire, overhauling
+ponderous state documents, and deeply engrossed in the affairs of the
+people, when his eye caught the outline of a big black rock boulder upon
+the mantle-piece before him--it was a beautiful specimen of variegated
+anthracite, with all the hues of the rainbow beaming from its lacquered
+angles. The governor thought "a heap" of this specimen of the black
+rock, but dropping all the documents and State papers pell-mell upon the
+floor, he seized the piece of anthracite, and placing it carefully upon
+the blazing cross-sticks of the fire, in the most absorbed manner
+watched the operation. To his great delight the black rock was soon red
+hot--he called for his servant man, a sable son of Africa, or some down
+South Congo--
+
+"Isaac."
+
+"Yes, sah, I'se heah, sah."
+
+"Isaac, run out to the carriage-house, and get a piece of that black
+rock."
+
+"Yes, sah, I'se gone."
+
+In a twinkling the negro had obtained a huge lump of the anthracite, and
+handing it over to the governor, it was placed in a favorable position
+alongside of the first lump, and the governor's eyes fairly danced
+polkas as he witnessed the fact of the two pieces of black rock
+assuming a red hot complexion.
+
+"Isaac!" again exclaimed the governor.
+
+"Yes, sah."
+
+"Run out--get another lump."
+
+"Yes, sah."
+
+A third lump was added to the fire; the company in the governor's
+private parlor was augmented by the appearance of the governor's lady
+and other portions of the family, who, seeing Isaac lugging in the
+rocks, came to the conclusion that the governor was going "clean crazy"
+over his experiments. It was in vain Mrs. Mifflin and the daughters
+tried to suspend the functions of the "chief magistrate," over the
+roaring fire.
+
+"Go away, women; what do you know about mineralogy, igniting anthracite?
+Go way; close the doors; I've got the rocks on fire--I'll make them
+laugh t'other side of their mouths, at my black rock fires!"
+
+In the midst of the excitement, as the governor was perspiring and
+exulting over his fiery operation, a carriage drove up, and two
+gentlemen alighted, and desired an immediate audience with Gov. Mifflin;
+but so deeply engaged was the governor, that he refused the strangers an
+audience, and while directing Isaac to tell the strangers that they must
+"come to-morrow," and while he continued to pile on more black rocks,
+brought in by Isaac, in rushed the strangers.
+
+"Good day, governor; you must excuse us, but our business admits of no
+delay."
+
+"Can't help it, can't help you--see how it blazes, see how it burns!"
+cried the abstracted or mentally and physically absorbed governor.
+
+"But, governor, the man may be hanged, if--"
+
+"Let him be hanged--hurra! See how it burns; call in the neighbors; let
+them see my black rock fire. I knew I'd surprise them!"
+
+"But, governor, will you please delay this--"
+
+"Delay? No, not for the President of the United States. I've been trying
+this experiment for eight years. I've now succeeded--see, see how it
+burns! Run, Isaac, over to Dr. ----'s, tell him to come, stop in at Mr.
+S----'s, tell Mr. H---- to come, come everybody--I've got the black
+rocks in a blaze!" And clapping on his hat, out ran the governor through
+the storm, down to the village, like a madman, leaving the strangers and
+part of his household as spectators of his fiery experiments. Just as
+the governor cleared his own door, a pedler wagon "drove up," and the
+pedler, seeing the governor starting out in such double quick time,
+hailed him.
+
+"Hel-lo! Sa-a-a-y, yeou heold on--_yeou the guv'ner_?"
+
+"Clear out!" roared the chief magistrate.
+
+"Shain't deu nothin' of the sort, no how!" says the pedler, dismounting
+from his wagon, and making his appearance at the front door, where he
+encountered the two rather astonished strangers--legal gentlemen of some
+eminence, from Harrisburg, with a petition for the respite of execution.
+
+"Halloo! which o' yeou be the guv'ner?" says the pedler.
+
+"Neither of us," replied the gentlemen; "that was the governor you spoke
+to as you drove up."
+
+"Yeou dun't say so! Wall, he was pesky mad about som'-thin'. What on
+airth ails the ole feller?"
+
+"Can't say," was the response; "but here he comes again."
+
+"Now, now come in, come in and see for yourselves," cried the excited
+Governor of the great Key Stone State; "there's a roaring fire of
+burning, blazing, black rock, anthracite coal!"
+
+But, alas! the cross sticks having given away in the interim, and the
+coal being thrown down upon the ashes and stone hearth,--_was all out!_
+
+"Wall," says our migratory Yankee, who followed the crowd into the
+house, "I guess I know what yeou be at, guv'ner, but I'll tell yeou
+naow, yeou can't begin to keep that darn'd hard stuff burning, 'less
+yeou fix it up in a grate, like, gin it air, and an almighty draught;
+yeou see, guv'ner, I've been making experiments a darn'd long while with
+it!"
+
+The laugh of the governor's friends subsided as the pedler went into a
+practical theory on burning stone coal; the _respite_ was
+signed--hospitalities of the mansion extended to all present, and in
+course of a few days, our Yankee and the governor rigged up a grate, and
+soon settled the question--will our black rocks burn?
+
+
+
+
+Sure Cure.
+
+
+Travel is a good invention to cure the blues and condense worldly
+effects. When Cutaway went to California, "I carried," said he, "a pile
+of despondency, and more baggage, boots, and boxes, than would fit out a
+caravan. After an absence of just fourteen calendar months, I started
+homewards, and was so boiling over with hope and fond anticipation, that
+I could hardly keep in my old boots! And all the _dunnage_ I had left,
+wouldn't fill a pocket-handkerchief, or sell to a paper-maker for four
+cents!"
+
+Cutaway recommends seeing the _worldy_ elephant, high, for settling
+one's mind, and scattering goods, gold, and chattels.
+
+
+
+
+Chasing a Fugitive Subscriber.
+
+
+Printers, from time immemorial--back possibly to the days of Faust--have
+suffered martyrdom, more or less, at the hands of the people who didn't
+pay! Many of the long-established newspaper concerns can show a "black
+list" as long as the militia law, and an unpaid _cash account_ bulky
+enough to take Cuba! Country publishers suffer in this way intensely.
+About one half of the "subscribers" to the _Clarion of Freedom_, or the
+_Universal Democrat_, or the _Whig Shot Tower_, seem to labor under the
+Utopian notion that printers were made to mourn over unpaid subscription
+lists; or that they "got up" papers for their own peculiar amusement,
+and carried them or sent them to the doors of the public for mere
+pastime! Every publisher, of about every paper we ever examined, about
+this time of year, has told his own story--requested his subscribers to
+come forward--pay over--help to keep the mill going--creditors
+easy--fire in the stove--meal in the barrel--children in bread, butter
+and shoes--Sheriff at bay, and other tragical affairs connected with the
+operations attendant upon unsettled cash accounts! But, how many heed
+such "notices?" Paying subscribers do not read them--such applications
+do not apply to them--_they_ regret to see them in the paper, and, like
+honest, common-sensed people, don't probe or meddle with other people's
+shortcomings. The delinquent subscriber don't read such _calls_ upon his
+humanity--they are distasteful to him; he may squint and grin over the
+_notice_ to pay up, and chuckles to himself--"Ah, umph! dun away, old
+feller; I ain't one o' that kind that sends money by mail; it might be
+lost, and the man that duns _me_ for two or three dollars' worth of
+newspapers, _may get it if he knows how_."
+
+Well, the good time has _come_. Printers now may wait no longer; the
+jig's up--they have found out a _way_ to get their money just as easy as
+other laborers in the fields of science, art, mechanism, law, physic and
+religion, get theirs. Let the printer cry _Eureka_.
+
+Doctor Pendleton St. Clair Smith, a patron of the fine arts, best
+tailors, barbers, boot blacks, and the newspaper press, was a tooth
+operator of some skill and great pretension. He lived and moved in
+modern style, and though no man could be more desirous of indulging in
+"short credit," no man believed or acted more readily upon the
+principle--
+
+    ----"base is the slave that _pays_."
+
+Dr. P. St. C. Smith "slipped up" one day, leaving the _well done_
+community of Boston and the environs, for fields more congenial to his
+peculiar talents. He _stuck_ the printer, of course. His numerous
+subscription accounts to the various local news and literary journals,
+in the aggregate amounted to quite considerable; and the printers didn't
+begin to like it! Now, it takes a Yankee to head off a Yankee, and about
+this time a live, double-grand-action Yankee, named Peabody, possibly,
+happened in at one of the offices, where two brother publishers were
+"making a few remarks" over delinquent subscribers, and especially were
+they wrought up against and giving jessy to Dr. Pendleton St. Clair
+Smith!
+
+"How much does the feller owe you?" quoth Peabody.
+
+"Owe? More than he'll ever pay during the present generation."
+
+"Perhaps not," says Peabody; "now if you'll just give me the full
+particulars of the man, his manners and customs, name and size, and
+sell me your accounts, at a low notch, I'll buy 'em; I'll collect 'em,
+too, if the feller's alive, out of jail, and any where around between
+sunrise and sunset!"
+
+The publishers laughed at the idea, sensibly, but finding that Peabody
+was up for a trade, they traced out the accounts, &c., and for a five
+dollar bill, Mr. Peabody was put in possession of an account of some
+twenty odd dollars and cents against Dr. P. St. C. Smith.
+
+Now Peabody had, some time previous to this transaction, established a
+peculiar kind of Telegraph, a human galvanic battery, or endless chain
+of them, extending all over the country, for collecting bad debts, and
+_shocking_ fugitives, or stubborn creditors! By a continuation of
+faculties, causes and effects--shrewdness and forethought peculiar to a
+man capable of seeing considerably deep into millstones--Peabody
+couldn't be _dodged_. If he ever got his _feelers_ on to a subject, the
+_equivalent_ was bound to be turning up! It struck him that the
+collection of newspaper bills afforded him a great field for working his
+Telegraph, and he hasn't been mistaken.
+
+The scene now changes; early one morning in the pleasant month of June,
+as the poet might say, Dr. Pendleton St. Clair Smith was to be seen
+before his toilet glass in the flourishing city of Syracuse,--giving the
+finishing stroke to his highly-cultivated beard. The satisfaction with
+which he made this demonstration, evinced the sereneness of his mind and
+the _confidence_ with which he rested, in regard to his newspaper 'bills
+in Boston. But a _tap_ is heard at his door, and at his invitation the
+servant comes in, announces a gentleman in the parlor, desirous of
+speaking to Dr. Smith. The Doctor waits upon the visitor--
+
+"Dr. Pendleton St. Clair Smith, I presume?"
+
+"Ye-e-s," slowly and suspiciously responded that individual.
+
+"I am collector, sir," continued the stranger, "for the firm of
+Peabody, Grab, Catchem, and Co., Boston. I have a small (!) bill against
+you, sir, to collect."
+
+"What for?" eagerly quoth the Doctor.
+
+"Newspaper subscriptions and advertising, sir!"
+
+"I a--I a, you a--well, you call in this evening," says the Doctor,
+tremulously fumbling in his pockets--"I'll settle with you; good
+morning."
+
+"Good morning, sir," says the collector,--"I'll call."
+
+That afternoon, Dr. Pendleton St. Clair Smith vamosed! He had barely got
+located in Syracuse, before they had traced him; if he paid the printer,
+a cloud of other debts would follow, and so he up stakes and made a
+fresh _dive!_
+
+"Now," says Dr. P. St. C. Smith, as he dumped himself and baggage down
+in the beautiful city of Chicago, "Now I'll be out of the range of the
+duns; they won't get sight or hearing of me, for a while, I'll bet a
+hat!"
+
+But, alas! for the delusion; the very next morning, a very suspicious,
+hatchet-faced individual, made himself known as the deputed collector of
+certain newspaper accounts, forwarded from Boston, by Peabody, Grab,
+Catchem, & Co. The Dr. uttered a very severe _anathema_; he looked quite
+streaked, he faltered; he then desired the collector to call in course
+of the day, and the bill would be attended to. The collector hoped it
+would be attended to, and left; so did Dr. P. St. C. Smith _in the next
+mail line_.
+
+About one month after the affair in Chicago, Dr. P. St. C. Smith was
+seen strutting around in Charters st., New Orleans, confident in his
+security, smiling in the brightness of the scenes around him; he had
+just negotiated for an office, had already concocted his advertisements,
+and subscribed for the papers, when lo! the same due bill from Boston
+appeared to him, in the hand of an _agent_ of Peabody, Grab, Catchem &
+Co. The Dr. was almost tempted to pay the bill! But, then, perhaps the
+_agent_ had a hat full of others--from the same place--for larger
+amounts! The next day the Doctor _put_ for Texas! planting himself in
+the pleasant town of Bexar, and cursing duns from the bottom of his
+heart--he determined to keep clear of them, even if he had to bury
+himself away out here in Texas. But what was his horror to find, the
+first week of his hanging up in Bexar, that an agent of the firm of
+Peabody, Grab, Catchem & Co., _was there!_ The Doctor _stepped_ to
+Galveston; on the way he accidentally _met_ a travelling agent of
+Peabody, Grab, Catchem & Co. The Doctor took the _Sabine_ slide for
+Tampico; there he found the "black vomit." He up and off again, for
+Mobile; his nervous system was much worked up and his pocket-book sadly
+depleted! There were two alternatives--change his name, size and
+profession, and live in a swamp; _or settle with the firm of Peabody,
+Grab, Catchem & Co_. Dr. Pendleton St. Clair Smith chose the latter; he
+sought and soon found in Mobile, a veritable _agent_, duly authorized to
+receive and forward funds for Peabody, Grab, Catchem & Co., and hunt up
+and down--fugitives from the printer! The Doctor paid up--felt better,
+and learned the moral fact that delinquent subscribers are no longer to
+be the printers' ghosts.
+
+
+
+
+Ambition.
+
+
+A person never thinks so meanly of ambition as when walking through a
+grave-yard.--To see men who have filled the world with their glory for
+half a century or more, reduced to a six foot mudhole, gives pride a
+shock which requires a long stay in a city to counteract.--The gentlemen
+who are now "spoken of for the Presidency," will in less than a century,
+have their bones carted away to make room for a street sewer. Queer
+creature that man--well, he is.
+
+
+
+
+Way the Women Fixed the Tale-Bearer.
+
+
+"I dunno where I heer'd it, but I know it's true. I expected it long
+ago. I told Jones it'd come out so."
+
+"Why, Uncle Josh, you don't pretend to say that Miller's wife has run
+off with Bob Tape, Yardstick's clark, do you?"
+
+"Yes, I do, too; hain't it been the talk of the neighborhood for a year
+past, that Miller's wife and that feller--Bob Tape, were a leetle too
+thick?"
+
+"Well, Uncle Josh," says his neighbor Brown, "I don't recollect anybody
+saying anything about it, but you, and for my part, I don't believe a
+word of it."
+
+"Why, hain't Miller's wife gone?" says Uncle Josh.
+
+"I don't know--is she?" says Brown.
+
+"Be sure she is; I went over to the store this morning, the fust thing,
+to see if Bob Tape was about--he wasn't there--they said he'd gone to
+Boston on business for old Yardstick. O, ho! says I, and then I started
+for Heeltap's shop; we had allers said how things would turn out. He was
+out, but seein' me go to his shop, he came a runnin', and says he:
+
+"'Uncle Josh, theer gone, sure enough!--I've been over to old Mammy
+Gabbles, and she sent her Suke over to Miller's, on purtence of
+borrowin' some lard, but told Suke to look around and see ef Miller's
+wife wur about; by Nebbyknezer, Miller's wife wur gone! Marm Gabbles
+couldn't rest, so she sent back Suke, and told her to ax the children
+whare their marm wus; Miller hearing Suke, ordered her to scoot, so Suke
+left without hearing the facts in the case, as 'Squire Black says.'
+
+"But Heeltap swears, and I know Miller's wife and Bob Tape have
+_sloped_, as they say in the papers."
+
+"Well," says Brown, "I'm sorry if it's true--I don't believe a word of
+it tho', and as it's none of my business, I shall have nothing to say
+about it."
+
+Uncle Josh was one of those inordinate pests which almost every village,
+town and hamlet in the country is more or less accursed with. He was a
+great, tall, bony, sharp-nosed, grinning _genius_, who, being in
+possession of a small farm, with plenty of boys and girls to work it,
+did not do anything but eat, sleep and lounge around; a gatherer of
+_scan, mag_., a news and scandal-monger, a great guesser, and a stronger
+suspicioner, of everybody's motives and intentions, and, of course,
+never imputed a good motive or movement to anybody.
+
+You've seen those wretches, male and female, haven't you, reader? Such
+people are great nuisances--half the discomforts of life are bred by
+them; they contaminate and poison the air they breathe, with their
+noisome breath, like the odor of the Upas tree.
+
+Uncle Josh had annoyed many--he was the dread and disgust of
+seven-eighths of the town he lived in. He had caused more quarrels,
+smutted more characters, and created more ill-feeling between friends,
+neighbors and acquaintances, than all else beside in the community of
+Frogtown. Uncle Josh was voted a great bore by the men, and a sneaking,
+meddling old granny by the women. So, at last, the young women of the
+town did agree, that the very next time Uncle Josh carried, concocted,
+or circulated any slanderous or otherwise mischievous stories, _they
+would duck him in the mill-race_.
+
+Now, Brown--old Mister Brown--was the very antipode of Uncle Josh; he
+was for always taking matters and things by the smoothest handle. Mister
+Brown never told tales, backbited or slandered anybody; everybody had a
+good word to say about Mister Brown, and Mister Brown had a good word to
+say about everybody. The gals thought it prudent to give old Mister
+Brown an inkling of their plans in regard to the disposition they
+intended to make of Uncle Josh; the old man laughed, and told them to go
+ahead, and to duck old Josh, and perhaps they would reform him.
+
+"Now, gals," says old Mister Brown, "Uncle Josh has just this very day
+been at his dirty work; by this time he has spread the news all over the
+town, that Miller's wife has gone off with Yardstick's clark. I don't
+believe a word of his tale, and if Miller's wife ain't really gone off,
+Uncle Josh ought to be soused in the mill-race."
+
+Next morning Miller's wife came home; she had been down to her sister's,
+a few miles off, to see a sick child; her husband had been away at a
+law-suit, in a neighboring town, and so Miller nor his wife knew nothing
+of the report of her elopement with Bob Tape, until their return.
+
+Miller was in a rage, but couldn't find out the author of the report.
+Miller's wife was deeply mortified that such a suspicion should arise of
+her; she had been making Bob Tape some new clothes to go to Boston in,
+and here was the gist of Bob and Miller's wife's intimacy! There was a
+great time about it--Miller swore like a trooper, and his wife nearly
+cried her eyes out.
+
+A few evenings afterwards, it being cool, clear weather in October,
+Polly Higgins and Sally Smith called in to see Miller's wife, and asked
+her to join them in a little party that some of the neighboring women
+had got up that evening, for a particular purpose. Miller's wife not
+having much to do that evening, her husband said she might go out a
+spell if she chose, and she went, and soon learned the purport of the
+call--old Uncle Josh was to be ducked in the mill-race! and Miller's
+wife, disguised as the rest, was to help do it. When she heard that old
+Josh had circulated the report of her elopement, Miller's wife did not
+require much coaxing to join the watering committee.
+
+It was so planned that all the women, some ten or twelve in number, were
+to put on men's clothes and lay in wait for Uncle Josh at his lane gate,
+about a quarter of a mile from the mill-race. Old Josh always hung
+around the tavern, Heeltap's shoe-shop, or the grocery, until 9 P. M.,
+before he started for home, and the girls determined to rush out of a
+small thicket that stood close by old Josh's lane gate, and throwing a
+large, stout sheet over him, wind him up, and then seizing him head,
+neck and heels, hurry him off to the mill-race, and duck him well.
+
+Mind you, your country gals and women are not paint and powder,
+corset-laced and fragile creatures, like your delicate, more ornamental
+than useful young ladies of the city; no, no, the gals of Frogtown were
+real flesh and blood; Venuses and Dianas of solidity and substance; and
+it would have taken several better men than Uncle Josh to have got away
+from them. It was a cool, moon-shiny night, but to better favor the
+women, just as old Josh got near his gate, a large, black cloud obscured
+the moon, and all was as dark as a stack of black cats in a coal cellar.
+Miller's wife acted as captain; dressed in Bob Tape's old clothes he had
+left at her house to be repaired, she gave the word, and out they
+rushed.
+
+"Seize him, boys!" said she, in a very loud whisper. Over went the
+sheet, down came old Josh, co-blim! Before he could say "lor' a massy,"
+he was dragged to the mill-race, tied hand and foot, blindfolded, his
+coat taken off, and he was _ca-soused_ into the cold water! Fury! how
+the old fellow begged for his life!
+
+"O, lor' a massy, don't drown me boys! I--a, I--" _ca-souse_ he went
+again.
+
+"Give him another duck," says one--and in he'd go again.
+
+"Now, we'll learn you to carry tales," says another.
+
+"And tell lies on me and Miller's wife," says Bob Tape--ca-souse he
+went.
+
+"O, lor' a mas--mas--e, do--do--don't drown me, Bob; I'll--I'll promise
+never to--" in they put him again; the water was as cold as ice.
+
+"Will you promise never to take or carry a story again?"
+
+"I d--d--d--_do_ promise, if--yo--yo--yo--you--don't--duc--" and in he
+went again.
+
+"Do you promise to mind your own business and let others alone, Uncle
+Josh?"
+
+"Ye--ye--yes, I d--_do_, I--I--I'll promise anything--bo--boys, only let
+me go," says Uncle Josh.
+
+"Well, boys," says Polly Higgins, rousing, jolly critter she was, too,
+"I owe Uncle Josh one more dip: he lied about my gal, Polly Higgins,
+and--"
+
+"O, ho, Seth Jones, that's you, ain't it?--Well--we--well, I said
+nothing about Polly; it was Heeltap said it, 'deed it was."
+
+Then they let old Josh off, vowing they'd give Heeltap his gruel next
+night, and the moment Josh got clear of his sousers, he cut for home.
+Next day Heeltap cleared himself.--Uncle Josh soon found out that he had
+been ducked by the women, and, for his own peace, moved to Iowa, and
+Frogtown has been a happy place ever since.
+
+
+
+
+Penalty of Kissing your own Wife.
+
+
+Cato, when Censor of Rome, expelled from the Senate Manilius, whom the
+general opinion had marked out for counsellor, because he had given his
+wife a kiss in the day time, in the sight of his daughter. And this
+reminds us of a local story told us by one of the "oldest inhabitants"
+of the city, that occurred once upon a time in this harbor. Before the
+Revolutionary war, one of the King's ships was stationed here, and
+occasionally cruised down to the south'ard. It so chanced that after a
+long absence the cruiser arrived in the harbor on Sunday, and as the
+naval captain had left his wife in Boston, the moment she heard of his
+arrival she hastened down to the water side in order to receive him. The
+worthy old sea captain, on landing, embraced his lady with tenderness
+and true affection. This, as there were many spectators by, gave great
+offence to the puritanical landsmen, and was considered as an act of
+indecency and a flagrant profanation of the Sabbath. The next day,
+therefore, the captain was summoned before the magistrates and
+selectmen, who, with many severe rebukes and pious exhortations, ordered
+him to be publicly whipped!
+
+The old captain stifled his indignation and resentment as much as
+possible; and as the punishment, from the frequency of it, was not
+attended with any degree of disgrace, he mixed as usual with the best of
+company, and even with the selectmen he soon ceased to be else than
+familiar as ever.
+
+At length the vessel was ordered home, to England, and the captain,
+therefore, with seeming concern to take leave of his worthy friends,
+and that they might spend a more happy and convivial day together before
+their final separation, invited the principal magistrates and selectmen
+to dine with him the day of his departure, on board his ship. They
+readily accepted the invitation, and nothing could be more glorious than
+the entertainment that was given.
+
+At length the solemn moment arrived that was to part them--the anchor
+was apeak, the sails unfurled, and nothing was wanted but the signal to
+get under way. The captain, after taking an affectionate and formal
+leave of his worthy municipal friends, accompanied them upon deck where
+the boatswain and crew were ready to receive them. He here thanked them
+afresh for the civilities they had shown him, of which the captain
+assured them he should bear a kind remembrance.
+
+"One point of civility, only," he continued, "gentlemen, remains to be
+adjusted between us, and as it is in my power to settle it, I shall be
+most happy to do so. You infernal old rogues you, you whipped me for
+evincing a due regard and love for my wife, and now, lest you perpetrate
+the outrage again 'gainst all law and reason, I'll give you a lesson
+that will last your lifetime. Boatswain, strip each of these rogues to
+the waist, lash them fast and put on your cat-o'-nine tails forty
+stripes each!"
+
+The boatswain, mid the laugh and acclamation of the whole crew, went to
+the work with a hearty good will, and after giving the magistrates and
+selectmen a fine dressing all around, he cut them loose, put them in
+their boat, and the ship set sail down the harbor and soon disappeared
+in the dim dist cut ocean.
+
+
+
+
+Mysteries and Miseries of Housekeeping.
+
+
+People of experience tell awful stories about the miseries of boarding,
+and boarding-houses, and it is very clearly palpable to us that keepers
+of boarding-houses could a tale unfold of their own miseries, equal, if
+not double that of the luckless creatures who board. That housekeeping
+has its joys it would be vain to deny, but we need no ghost come from
+the grave to inform us that the secrets of the kitchen are as numerous
+and as harrowing, as all can attest that ever had occasion to keep house
+or hire a "Betty."
+
+When Mr. Peter Perriwinkle got married, he exclaimed against hotels, and
+abominated boarding-houses; quitting both species of human habitations,
+he "up" and rented a house, and to hear his glowing description of the
+house--such a cosy little three-storied brick house, on a street too
+broad for the neighbors opposite to see into his front parlors, and no
+houses in the rear from which the prying eye of the curious and idle
+could spy into back kitchen closets or dinner pots--in brief,
+Perriwinkle went on with that strain of domestic eloquence, peculiar to
+new beginners in the arts and mysteries of housekeeping, and after a
+general detail of the quiet comfort and unalloyed happiness he and Mrs.
+P. were bound to enjoy for the balance of their lives, we merely
+observed--
+
+"Ah, my dear sir, you've but the ephemeral bright side of your vision
+yet. But no matter, dear Pete, as the man said of the sausages--hope for
+the best, but be prepared for the worst."
+
+"But, brother Jack, I've no reason to look for any thing but a good
+time. Haven't I married one of the best women in the world? I'm too
+experienced in life, my boy, to call any female women angels, doves, or
+sugar plums, you know, but my wife is a real woman!"
+
+"Yes, Pete, she is all that," said we.
+
+"Well, ain't I square with the world? Enough laid up for a wet
+day--don't care twopence ha'penny for politics, or soldier
+fol-de-rols--who wins or who loses in such hums?"
+
+"Granted, old fellow."
+
+"I tell you I've a perfect little paradise of a house engaged, furnished
+and provisioned for a twelvemonth."
+
+"No doubt of all that."
+
+"As to friends and acquaintances, I have plenty, and of the right
+stripe, too; I'd swear to that without any reluctance."
+
+"I hope, Peter, you have."
+
+"Then what in faith do you imagine I have in embryo to upset or disturb
+the even tenor of my way, old boy? Come, answer that."
+
+"Does your domestic apparatus work well?"
+
+"I haven't tried it yet."
+
+"Are your appurtenances--your household appointments--from kitchen to
+parlor, from coal cellar to top scuttle, all they are cracked up to be?"
+
+"Well, you see, the fact is, I can't tell that, yet."
+
+"Do your chimneys draw? Does your range or cooking stove do things up
+brown? Have you got your Bettys?"
+
+"I vow you've sort of got me this time, brother Jack; but I'll find out,
+soon, and let you know."
+
+"Do, if you please, Peter, and let us hear an account of how things are
+working after the first quarter's experience."
+
+Perriwinkle opened with a neat supper party. We attended, and every
+thing looked cap-a-pie; new, tasteful and happy as any thing human
+under God's providence and the art and judgment of man could promise. At
+midnight the company dispersed, all wishing the Perriwinkles life, love,
+and lots of the small fry.
+
+Months passed, full three; we met our old and familiar friend, Peter
+Perriwinkle, and as we had not seen him for some time, we met with
+greetings most cordial.
+
+"How is every thing, old boy--paradise regained?"
+
+"Ah," said Peter, with an ominous shake of the head, "dear Jack,--we've
+a great deal to learn in this world, and as our old friend Sam Veller
+says, whether its worth while to pay so much to learn so little, at
+cost--is a question."
+
+"You begin to think so, eh?"
+
+"Things don't work quite so smooth as I expected--I've moved!"
+
+"What? Not so soon?"
+
+"Yes, sir," said Perriwinkle; "that house was a nuisance!"
+
+"A nuisance? Why, I thought you were in raptures with it?"
+
+"Had water every wet spell, knee-deep in the cellar; full of rats, bugs,
+and foul air."
+
+"You don't say so?"
+
+"Yes, I do," said Perriwinkle, mournfully. "Chimneys smoked, paper
+peeled off the walls, Mrs. P. got the rheumatics, a turner worked all
+night, next door, the fellow that had previously lived or stayed in the
+house, ran off, leaving all his bills unpaid, and our door bell was
+incessantly kept ringing by ugly and impudent duns, and the creditors of
+the rascal, whom I did not know from a side of sole leather. I lived
+there in purgatory!"
+
+"Too bad," said we. "Well, you've moved, eh?"
+
+"Moved--and such an infernal job as it was. You know the two vases I
+received as a present from my brother, at Leghorn; I wouldn't have taken
+$100 each, for them--"
+
+"They are worth it; more too."
+
+"The carman dropped one out of his hands, broke it into a half bushel of
+flinders, and I hit the centre table upon which the other stood, with a
+chair, and broke it into forty pieces. But, that wasn't any thing, sir.
+My wife packed up the elegant set of china presented her by her sister,
+in a large clothes basket, and set it out in the hall, and while our
+Irish girl and the carman were carrying out a heavy trunk, the girl lost
+her balance and fell bump into the basket. She weighed over two hundred
+pounds--every article of the china was crushed into powder!"
+
+"This was too bad," said we, condolingly.
+
+"Our carpets were torn in getting them up, for I had them put down fast
+and tight, never supposing they'd come up until thread-bare and out of
+fashion; they were stained and daubed. The veneering of the piano and
+other furniture is scratched and torn; a hundred small matters are
+mutilated. Franklin thought a few moves was as bad as a fire; one move
+convinces me that the old man was right. But, my dear fellow, I won't
+bore you with my miseries. We are now moved, and look comfortable again.
+Call and see us, do. Good bye."
+
+About a fortnight after meeting Perriwinkle, one evening we went up town
+to see him and his lady. Mrs. P., before marriage, was an uncommon
+even-tempered and most amiable woman. She had now been married about six
+months. Upon entering the parlor we found Mrs. P. laboring under much
+"excitement," and poor Peter--he was doing his best to pacify and soothe
+her--
+
+"Halloo! what's the trouble?"--we were familiar enough to ask the
+question--as they were alone, without intruding.
+
+"Take a seat, John," said Perriwinkle. "Mrs. P. and the cook have had a
+misunderstanding. A little muss, that's all."
+
+"Mr. Humphries," responded the irritated wife, "you don't know how one's
+temper and good nature are put out, sir, by housekeeping; by the
+impudence, awkwardness, and wasteful habits of servants, sir."
+
+"Oh! yes, we do, Mrs. P.; we've had our experience," we replied.
+
+"Well, sir," she continued, "I have suffered so in ordering, directing,
+and watching these women and girls--had my feelings so outraged by them,
+time and again, since we began housekeeping, that I vow I am out of all
+manner of patience and charity for them. We have had occasion to change
+our help so often, that I finally concluded to submit to the awkwardness
+that cost us sets of china, dozens of glasses, stained carpets, soiled
+paints, smeared walls, rugs upon the top of the piano, and the piano
+cloths put down for rugs; Mr. P.'s best linen used for mops, and
+puddings boiled in night-caps. But, sir, when this evening I found the
+dough-tray filled with the chambermaid's old clothes, she wiping the
+lamps with our linen napkins, and the cook washing out her stockings in
+the dinner pot--I gave way to my angry passions, and cried with
+vexation!"
+
+And she really did cry, for female blood of Mrs. P.'s pilgrim stock,
+couldn't stand that, nohow.
+
+P. S.--Perriwinkle and lady sold off, and took rooms at the Tremont
+House, in order to preserve their morals and money.
+
+
+
+
+Miseries of a Dandy.
+
+
+That poverty is at times very unhandy--yea, humiliating, we can bear
+witness; but that any persons should make their poverty an everlasting
+subject of shame and annoyance to themselves, is the most contemptible
+nonsense we know of. During our junior days, while officiating as "shop
+boy," behind a counter in a southern city, we used to derive some fun
+from the man[oe]uvres of a dandy-jack of a fellow in the same
+establishment. He was of the bullet-headed, pimpled and stubby-haired
+_genus_, but dressed up to the _nines_; and had as much pride as two
+half-Spanish counts or a peacock in a barnyard.
+
+Charley was mostly engaged in the ware rooms, laboratory, etc., up
+stairs. He would arrive about 7 A. M., arrayed in the costume of _the
+latest style_, as he flaunted down Chestnut Street--by the way, it was a
+long, idle tramp, out of his road to do so,--his hair all frizzled up,
+hat shining and bright as a May morn, his dickey so stiff he could
+hardly expectorate over his _goatee_, while his "stunnin'" scarf and
+dashing pin stuck out to the admiration of Charley's extensive eyes, and
+the astonishment of half the clerks and all the shop boys along the line
+of our Beau Brummell's promenade!
+
+It was very natural to conceive that Charley was impressed with the
+idea, that he was the envy of half the men, and the _beau_ ideal of all
+the women he met! But your real dandy is no particular lover of women;
+he very naturally so loves himself that he lavishes all his fond
+affection upon his own person. So it was with our _beau_--he wouldn't
+have risked dirtying his hands, soiling his "patent leathers," or
+disarranging his scarf the thirteenth of an inch, to save a lady from a
+mad bull, or being run down by a wheelbarrow! Charley, to be sure, would
+walk with them, talk with them, beau them to the theatre, concert or
+ball room, provided always--they were dressed all but to within half an
+inch of their lives! The man who introduced a new and _stunnin_' hat,
+scarf, or coat, Charley would swear friendship to, on sight! A shabby,
+genteel person was his abomination; a patch or darn, utterly horrifying!
+He lived, moved, breathed--ideally, his ideality based, of course, upon
+ridiculous superfluities of life--leather and prunella, entirely.
+Charley looked upon "a dirty day" as upon a villanously-dressed person,
+while a bright, shining morn--giving him amplitude to make a "grand
+dash," won from him the same encomiums to the producer that he would
+bestow on the getter-up of an elegant pair of cassimeres--commendable
+works of an artist! The _genus_ dandy, whether of savage or civilized
+life, is a felicitous subject for peculiar, speculative, comparative
+analogy or _analysis_; we shall pursue the shadow no farther, but come
+to the substance.
+
+After arriving at the establishment, Charley would strip off his "top
+hamper," placing his finery in a closet with the care and diligence of a
+maiden of thirty, and upwards. Then, donning a rude pair of over-alls
+and coat, he condescended to go to work. Now, in the said establishment,
+our _beau_ had few friends; the men, girls, and boys were "down" upon
+him; the men, because of his dandyism; the females hated him, because
+Charley stuck his long nose _up_ at "shop girls," and wouldn't no more
+notice them in the streets, than if they were chimney sweepers or
+decayed esculents! We boys didn't like him no how, generally, though it
+was policy for him to treat us tolerably decent, because his pride made
+it imperiously necessary that some of the "little breeches" should do
+small chores, errands, bringing water from the street, carrying down to
+_the shop_ goods, etc., which might otherwise devolve upon himself. But
+men, girls and boys were always scheming and practising jokes and tricks
+upon the _beau_. The boys would all rush off to dinner--first having so
+dirtied the water, hid the towels and soap, that poor Charley would
+necessarily be obliged to go down into the public street and bring up a
+bucket of the clean element to wash his begrimed face and hands. And
+mark the difficulties and _diplomacy_ of such an arrangement. Charley
+would slip down into the lower entry, peep out to see if any body was
+looking,--if a genteel person was visible, the _beau_ held back with his
+bucket; after various reconnaissances, the coast would appear clear, and
+the _beau_ would dash out to the pump, agitate "the iron-tailed cow"
+with the force and speed of an infantile earthquake--snatch up the
+bucket, and with one _dart_ hit the doorway, and glide up stairs,
+thanking his stars that nobody "seen him do it!"
+
+In one of these _forays_ for water, the _beau_ was decidedly cornered by
+two of the "shop girls." They, sly creatures, observed poor Charley from
+an upper "landing" of the stairway, in the entry below, watching his
+chance to get a clear coast to fill his dirty bucket. The moment the
+beau darted out, down rush the girls--slam to the door and bar it!
+
+The _beau_, dreaming of no such diabolical inventions, gives the pump an
+awful _surge_, fills the bucket, looks down the street, and--O! murder,
+there come two ladies--the first _cuts_ of the city, to whom Charley had
+once the honor of a personal introduction! With his face turned over his
+shoulder at the _ladies_--his nether limbs desperately nerved for _tall
+walking_,--he dashes at the supposed open entryway, and--nearly knocked
+the panel out of the door, smashing the bucket, spilling the water, and
+slightly killing himself!
+
+It was almost "a cruel joke," in the girls, who, taking advantage of
+the stunning effect of the operation, unbarred the door and vanished,
+before poor Charley picked himself up and scrambled into the lower store
+to recuperate.
+
+Weeks ran on; the beau had enjoyed a respite from the wiles of his
+persecutors, when one morning he was forced to come down into the store
+in his working gear, well be-spattered with oleaginous substances, dust
+and dirt; in this gear, Charley presented about as ugly and primitive a
+looking Christian, as might not often--before California life was
+dreamed of--be seen in a city. We _did_ quite an extensive retail
+trade--the store was rarely free from _ton_-ish citizens, mostly "fine
+ladies," in quest of fine perfumes, soaps, oils, etc., to sweeten and
+decorate their own beautiful selves. But, before venturing in, our
+_beau_ had an eye about the horizon, to see that no impediments offered;
+things looked safe, and in comes the beau.
+
+We were upon very fair terms with Charley, and he was wont to regale us
+with many of his long stories about the company he _faced_ into, the
+"conquests" he made, and the times he had with this and that, in high
+life. Fanny Kemble was about that time--belle of the season! _Lioness_
+of the day! setting corduroy in a high fever, and raising an awful
+_furore_--generally! Alas! how soon such things--cave in!
+
+Charley got behind the counter to stow away some articles he had brought
+down, and began one of his usual harangues:
+
+"Theatre, last night, Jack?"
+
+"No; couldn't get off; wanted to," said we.
+
+"O, you missed a grand opportunity to see the fashion beauty and wealthy
+people of this city! Such a house! Crowded from pit to dome, met a
+hundred and fifty of my friends--ladies of the first families in town,
+with all the 'high boys' of my acquaintance!"
+
+"And how did Fanny _do_ Juliet?" we asked.
+
+"Do it? Elegant! I sat in the second stage box with the two Misses W.
+(Chestnut street belles!) and Colonel S. and Sam. G., and his sister
+(all _nobs_ of course!), and they were truly entranced with Miss
+Kemble's Juliet! I threw for Miss G. her elegant bouquet,--Fanny kissed
+her fingers to me, and with a _look_ at me, as I stood up so--(the beau
+gave a tall _rear up_ and was about to spread himself, when glancing at
+the door, he sees--two ladies! right in the store!) _thunder!_" he
+exclaims.
+
+If the beau had been hit by a streak of lightning, he would not have
+_dropped_ sooner than he did, behind the counter.
+
+The ladies proved to be _nobody_ else than those of the very two Misses
+W. themselves; they lived close by, and frequently came to the store.
+Beneath our counter were endless packages, broken glass, refuse oils,
+rancid perfumes, dust, dirt, grease, charcoal, soap, and about
+everything else dingy and offensive to the eye and nose. The place
+afforded a wretched refuge for a hull so big and nice as our beau's, but
+there he was, much in our _way_ too, with the mournful fact, for
+Charley, that if those "fine ladies" stayed less than half an hour,
+without overhauling about every article in the store, it would be a
+white stone indeed in the fortunes of the beau! The ladies sat; they
+dickered and examined--we exhibited and put away, the beau lying
+crouched and crucifying at our feet, and we sniggering fit to burst at
+the _contretemps_ of the poor victim. Charley stood it with the most
+heroic resignation for full twenty minutes, when the two Misses W. got
+up to go. Casting their eyes towards the door, who should be about to
+pass but the divine Fanny!
+
+Fanny Kemble! Seeing the two Misses W., whose recognition and
+acquaintance was worth cultivating--even by the haughty queen of the
+drama and belle of the hour; she rushed in, they all had a talk--and you
+know how women can talk, will _talk_ for an hour or two, all about
+nothing in particular, except to _talk_. Imagine our beau,--"Phancy his
+phelinks," as _Yellow Plush_ says, and to heighten the effect, in comes
+the boss! He comes behind the counter--he sees poor Charley
+sprawling--he roars out:
+
+"By Jupiter! Mr. Whackstack, are you sick? _dead_?"
+
+"Dead?" utters Fanny.
+
+"A man dead behind your counter, sir?" scream the Misses W.!
+
+With one desperate _splurge_, up jumps the beau; rushes out, up
+stairs--gets on his clothes, and we did not see him again for over two
+years!
+
+
+
+
+A Juvenile Joe Miller.
+
+
+We observed a small transaction last Wednesday noon, on Hanover street,
+that wasn't so coarse for an urchin hardly out of his swaddling clouts.
+He was a cunning-looking little fellow, and poking his head into a shoe
+shop, he bawls out in a very keen, fine, silvery voice--
+
+"S-a-a-y, Mister-r-r--"
+
+"Eh?--what?" says the shop-keeper.
+
+"Somebody's got your boots out here!"
+
+Supposing, of course, that somebody was pegging away with a bunch of his
+_wares_ at the door, Lapstone rushes out and cries--
+
+"Where?"
+
+"There," says the shaver; "they're there--somebody's got 'em--hung up
+'long your window there."
+
+Lapstone seized a box lid to give the juvenile joker a flip, but he
+scooted, grinning and ha! ha!-ing in the most provoking strain.
+
+
+
+
+"Selling" a Landlord.
+
+
+During the great gathering of people in Quakerdom, while the Whigs were
+dovetailing in Old Zack, an artful dodger, a queer quizzing Boston
+friend of mine, thought a little _side play_ wouldn't be out of the way,
+so to work he goes to get up a muss, and I'll tell you how he managed
+it, nice as wax.
+
+Among the Boston delegates--self-constituted, _a la_ Gen. Commander--was
+a certain gentleman, remarkable for his probity, decorum, and extreme
+sensitiveness. Well, A., the _wag_, and B., the _victim_, landed
+together, but selected, in the general overflow and hurly-burly,
+different lodgings. Next morning, A. finds B. stowed away in ----'s
+Hotel, fine as a fiddle, snug as a bug, in a good room, and doing about
+_as_ well as could be expected. A. had had indifferent luck, and the
+quarters he had lit upon were any thing but comfortable, the inmates of
+the Hotel being stowed away in _tiers_, like herrings in a box. A.
+thought he'd _oust_ his innocent and unsuspecting friend, and crack his
+joke, if it cost a law suit, just for the sake of variety.
+
+With the _address_, and _partly the_ dress--a white hat--of a man of the
+_mace_, A. steps up to the bar of ----'s Hotel, and after carefully
+scrutinizing the register, finds the autograph of the victim, then
+smiles suspiciously, enough to say to the observant bar-keeper--
+
+"Aha! I've found him!" Then leaning cautiously forward towards that
+person, says A.--
+
+"Is this man here yet? Is he in the house?"
+
+"I b'leave he is, sur,--I know he is, sur," says the Milesian,
+overlooking the register himself.
+
+"Come here last night?" continues A., in his suspicious strain.
+
+"He did, sur!" answers the grog-mixer.
+
+"Has nothing but a valise and umbrella?" says A.
+
+"Nothing else, sur, I believe," is the reply.
+
+"That's him! that's him! I've found him!" exultantly exclaims A., while
+the bar-keeper and landlord, who had now come forward, eagerly wanted to
+know if any thing was wrong with the gentleman whose arrival was being
+discussed.
+
+"Step aside, sir," says A. to the proprietor; "I don't want any
+disturbance made, at such a time; it might do your fine establishment
+more harm than good; _but_, there is a person stopping in your house
+that I have followed from Boston; I have kept my eye on his
+movements(!); I know his designs, his practices, _well_; I'm on his
+track--he dodged me last night, but I've found him--"
+
+"Well, do you pretend to assert that this man (scrutinizing the
+register) is a pick-pocket, a thief, or something of the kind, sir?"
+earnestly inquired the proprietor.
+
+"You keep _mum_, sir," said A., coolly tapping the lappel of the
+landlord's coat--"I've got him _safe!_ Let him rest for awhile--I've got
+him! Do you understand?" says the wag, winking a knowing, significant
+_wink_ at the landlord.
+
+"No, cuss me if I do understand you, sir!" sharply replies the landlord.
+"If there is a dangerous or disreputable person in my house, sir, I
+would thank you to tell me, sir, and I will soon put him where the dogs
+won't bite him, sir!"
+
+"There is no use of unnecessary alarm, my friend," says A., in a low
+tone; "the truth is, this person whom I have followed here, has made a
+heavy _draw_ on one of our Boston banks, by means of certain checks and
+certificates, and--"
+
+"Oho! That's it, eh?" interposes the landlord, beginning to see his
+guest in a more _dignified_ light, that of a splendid thief; so his
+rigid frown, called in play by the supposition that a petty rascal was
+on his premises, subsided into a wise smile, which A. interrupts with--
+
+"You've hit it; but keep quiet! Don't let us go too _far_ before we're
+sure the bird is in our cage. He's worth attending to; I'm not sure he's
+_got_ the abstracted money about him; but when he settles with you, just
+notice the size of his wallet, and its contents; may have an officer
+handy, if you like. If he has a large roll of notes, especially on the
+Traders' Bank, nab him, and keep him until I come," said A.
+
+"Where do you stop, sir?" inquired the landlord.
+
+"At the ----, Chestnut street," A. replies.
+
+"Shall be attended to, sir, I warrant you. Is there a reward out, sir,
+for this person?" says the landlord.
+
+"O! no; it has all been kept quiet. _Policy_, you see; he left in such a
+hurry, he thought he'd be lost sight of in this crowd here in your city.
+If he has the money, we'll make 'a spec,' you understand?"
+
+"I see, I see," said the befogged landlord; "I'll keep a sharp look out
+for him, and let you know the moment I find him fairly out."
+
+That afternoon, as B. called for his bill at the bar of ----'s Hotel,
+the landlord was _about_, all in a _twitter_, with two policemen in the
+distance, and sundry especial friends hanging about, to whom the
+landlord had unbosomed the affair. All were anxiously watching the
+result of the business. B. hands forth his capacious wallet, stuffed
+with "_documents_" of the Traders' Bank, of Boston,--from which
+institution he had _drawn_ a pile of funds, to invest in coal at
+Richmond,--and no sooner did B. place an X, of the Traders' Bank, upon
+the bar, than the excited landlord's eyes danced like shot on a hot
+shovel, and giving the constables the _cue_, poor B. found himself
+_waited upon_, in a brace of shakes, by those two custodians, while the
+landlord grabbed the wallet out of B.'s hand, with a suddenness that
+completely mesmerized him.
+
+"Gentlemen," says the landlord to the officers, "do your duty!"
+
+"Why, look here!" says B., squirming about in the grasp of the officers,
+and reaching over for the landlord and his wallet--"what the thunder are
+you about? Come, I say, none of your darn'd nonsense now; let me go, I
+tell you, and hand back that wallet, Mister ----."
+
+But B. was "a goner." They favored him with no explanation, of course,
+and were about trotting him forth to the Mayor's office, when a well
+known Anthracite merchant came in, in quest of B. Some inquiry followed,
+explanation ensued, and the result was, that after poor B. got a little
+reconciled to the _joke_, he joined issue with a laughing chorus at the
+expense of the _sold_ landlord, who, in consideration of all hands
+keeping _mum_, put the party through a course of juleps.
+
+I may as well observe, that I regret there is no particular _moral_ to
+this sketch.
+
+
+
+
+Scientific Labor.
+
+
+"Bob, what yer doing now?"
+
+"Aiding Nat'ral History."
+
+"Aiding Nat'ral History--what do yer mean by that?"
+
+"Why every time the kangaroo jumps over the monkey, I hold his tail
+up."
+
+
+
+
+Who was that Poor Woman?
+
+
+I do not know a feminine--from the piney woods of Maine to the
+Neuces--so given to popularity, newspaper philippics, and city item
+bombards, as Aunt Nabby Folsom, of the town of Boston. The name and
+doings of Aunt Nabby are linked with nearly all popular cabals in
+Faneuil Hall, the "Temple," "Chapel," or Melodeon--from funeral orations
+to political caucusses--Temperance jubilees to Abolition flare ups; for
+Aunt Nabby never allows _wind_, weather or subject, time, place or
+occasion, to prevent her "full attendance." The police, and over-zealous
+auditors, at times _snake her down_ or crowd her old straw bonnet, but
+Aunt Nabby is always sure of the polite attention of the "Reporters,"
+and shines in their notes, big as the biggest toad in the puddle.
+
+Indeed, Aunt Nabby is one of 'em!--a perfect she-male Mike Walsh. She
+will have her _say_, though a legion of constables stood at the door;
+her principal _stand-point_ is the freedom of speech and woman's rights,
+and she goes in tooth and nail _agin law_, Marshal Tukey, and the entire
+race-root and rind of the Quincys--particularly strong! Aunt Nabby is
+subject to a series, too tedious to mention, of "sells" by the _quid
+nuncs_ and rapscallions of the day, and one of these "sells" is the pith
+of my present paper.
+
+It so fell out, when Jenny Lind arrived here, about every fool within
+five-and-fifty miles ran their heels and brazen faces after the
+Nightingale and her carriage wherever she went, from her bed-chamber to
+her dinner table, from her drawing-room to the Concert Hall. It took
+Barnum and his whole "private secretary" force and equal number of
+policemen and servants, besides Stephens himself, of the Revere, and his
+bar-keeper, to keep the mob from rushing pell-mell up stairs and
+surrounding Jenny as Paddy did the Hessians.
+
+Now and then a desperate fellow got in--had an audience, grinned, backed
+down and went his way, tickled as a dog with two tails. Others were
+victimized by notes from Barnum (!) or Miss Lind's "private secretary,"
+offering an interview, and many of these transactions were "rich and
+racy" enough, in all conscience, for the pages of a modern Joe Miller.
+But Aunt Nabby Folsom's time was about as rich as the raciest, and will
+bear rehearsing--easy.
+
+"Good morning, sir," said a pleasing-looking, neatly-dressed, elderly
+lady, to the two scant yards of starch and dickey behind Stephens' slab
+of marble at the Revere.
+
+"Good morning, ma'am," responded the _clark_, who, not knowing exactly
+who the lady was, _jerked_ down his well-oiled and brushed "wig and
+whiskers" to the entire satisfaction of the matronly lady, who went on
+to say--
+
+"I wish to see Miss Lind, sir."
+
+"Guess she's engaged, ma'am."
+
+"Well, but I've an invitation, sir, from Miss Lind, to call at 9 A. M.
+to-day. I like to be punctual, sir; my time is quite precious; I called
+precisely as desired; Miss Lind appointed the time; and----"
+
+"Oh, very well, very well, ma'am," said the _clark_, with a flourish,
+"if Miss Lind has invited you----"
+
+"Why, of course she has! Here's her--"
+
+"O, never mind, ma'am; all correct, I presume."
+
+The "pipes" and bells soon had the attendance of a gang of
+white-jacketed, polish-faced Paddies, and the elderly lady was
+marshalled, double-file, towards the apartments of the Nightingale.
+
+Jenny had but just "turned out," and was "feeding" on the right wing and
+left breast of a lark, the leg of a canary, "a dozen fried" humming
+bird eggs--her customary fodder of a morning.
+
+The servants passed the countersigns, and the elderly lady was
+admitted--the Nightingale, without disturbing the ample folds of her
+camel's hair dressing-gown--a present from the Sultan of all the
+Turkies, cost $3,000--motioned the matron to squat, and as soon as she
+got her throat in talking order, said--
+
+"Goot mornins."
+
+"How do you do?" responds the old lady.
+
+"Pooty well, tank'ees. You have some breakest? No!"
+
+"No, ma'am. I've had my breakfast three hours ago."
+
+"Yes? indeed! you rise up early, eh?--Well, it is goot for ze hels, eh?"
+
+"So my doctor says," responded the matron. "But I like to get up and be
+stirring around."
+
+"Ah! yes; you stir around, eh? What you stir around?"
+
+"Well, Miss Lind, I'll tell you what I stir around. I-stir-the-monsters
+(Miss Lind looks sharp)
+who-try-to-trample-on-the-universal-rights-_of-woman!_ (The matron 'up'
+and gesticulating like the brakes of an engine--Miss Lind drops her
+eating tools--eyes of the two servants bulge out!) A-n-d
+I-stir-the-demagogues-who-assemble-in-Faneuil-Hall (down with the
+brakes!), to prevent-the-freedom-of-speech (rush upon the brakes!),
+a-a-n-d-put-me-down!"
+
+It was evident that the appetite of the Nightingale was getting
+spoiled--she looked suspicious, and, just in time to prevent the female
+orator--who was no other personage, of course, than Aunt Nabby Folsom,
+from ripping into a regular caucus fanfaronade of gamboge and gas, a
+knock upon the door announced a "call" for Miss Lind, to dress and
+appear to a fresh lot of bores--yclept the Mayor and his suit of
+Deacons, soup, pork and bean-venders.
+
+"Ah! yes; I will be ready in one min't. Madame, you will please come
+again; once more, adieu--good mornins--adieu!"
+
+And Aunt Nabby, in spite of her ancient teeth, found herself bowed--half
+way down stairs--into the hall, and clean out doors, before she caught
+her breath to say another word upon the interminable subject of the
+freedom of speech and woman's rights!
+
+But Aunt Nabby "blowed"--O! didn't she _blow_ to the various tea and
+toast coteries, scandal and slang express women--and the various knots
+of anxious crowds who stood about Bowdoin Square during the Lind mania!
+Aunt Nabby had had a genuine _tete-a-tete_ with the Nightingale--and,
+ecod, an invitation to call again! But Jenny Lind, and her cordon of
+sentinels, secretaries and suckers, were "fly" for the old screech owl,
+when again and again she beset the _clark_ and the stairways of the
+Revere. Though Aunt Nabby hung on and growled dreadfully, she finally
+caved in and kept away.
+
+When Jenny Lind gave the proceeds of one concert to charitable purposes,
+among the items set down in the list was--"A poor woman--_one hundred
+dollars!_"
+
+"Why, it's you, of course," said a _quid-nunc_, to Aunt Abby, as she
+held the Evening Transcript in her hands, in the store of Redding & Co.,
+and observed the interesting item above alluded to.
+
+"Well, so I think," says Aunt Nabby. "If I ain't a poor woman, and a
+var-tuous woman, and a good and _true woman_ (down came her brakes on
+the book piles), I'd like to know where--_where_, on this univarsal
+_yearth_ (down with the brakes), you'd find one! One hundred dollars to
+a poor woman," she continued, reading the item. "I must be the
+person--yes, Abigail, _thou art the man!_" she concluded in her favorite
+apothegm.
+
+The _quid_ gave Abby the residence of the Agent (!) who was to disburse
+the Lind charities, and away went Abby to the Agent, who happened to be
+an amateur joker; knowing Aunt Abby, and smelling a "sell," he told the
+old 'un that Mr. Somerby, of No. -- Cornhill, the joker of the Post, was
+the Agent, and would shell out next morning, at nine o'clock. At that
+hour, S. had Aunt Nabby in his sanctum. He knew the ropes, so assured
+Abby that there was a mistake; Charles Davenport, of Cornhill, rear of
+Joy's building, was the man. Charles D. informed Aunt Nabby, that he had
+declined to disburse for Miss Lind, but that Bro. Norris, of the Yankee
+Blade, had the pile, and was serving it out to an excited mob. Norris
+declared that she was in error. She was not, by a jug full, the only,
+poor woman in town, and didn't begin to be _the_ poor woman set forth in
+Miss Lind's schedule! But Aunt Nabby wasn't to be _done!_ She besieged
+Miss Lind--followed her to the cars--mounted the platform--Jenny espied
+her, and to avoid a harangue on the freedom of speech and woman's
+rights, hid her head in her cloak. The last exclamation the Nightingale
+heard from the screech owl, was--
+
+"Miss Jane Lind--who was that poor wom-a-n?"
+
+
+
+
+Infirmities of Nature.
+
+
+Some folks are easily glorified. We once knew a man who became so elated
+because he was elected first sergeant in the militia, that he went home
+and put a silver plate on his door. Ollapod, in speaking of this kind of
+people, makes mention of one Sabin, who was so overjoyed the first time
+he saw his name in the list of letters, advertised by the post-office,
+that he called his friends together and put them through on woodcock.
+
+
+
+
+Andrew Jackson and his Mother.
+
+
+It is a most singular, or at least curious fact, connected with the
+histories of most all eminent men, that they were denied--by the decrees
+of stern poverty, or an all-wise Providence--those facilities and
+indulgences supposed to be so essentially necessary for the future
+success and prosperous career of young men, but acted as "whetstones" to
+sharpen and develop their true temper! The fact is very vivid in the
+early history of Andrew Jackson--a name that, like that of the great,
+godlike Washington, must survive the wreck of matter, the crush of
+worlds, and, passing down the vista of each successive age, brighter and
+more glorious, unto those generations yet to come, when time shall have
+obliterated the asperities of partisan feeling, and learned to deal most
+gently with the human frailties of the illustrious dead.
+
+Andrew Jackson, senior, emigrated from Ireland in 1765, with his wife
+and two boys--Hugh and Robert, both very young; they landed at
+Charleston, S. C, where Jackson found employment as a laborer, and
+continued to work thus for several years, until, possessed of a few
+dollars, he went to the interior of the state and bought a small place
+near Waxhaw. About this time, 1767, Andrew Jackson, Jr., was born, and
+during the next year--by the time the infant could lisp the name of his
+parent--the father fell sick of fever and died. Mrs. Jackson, left with
+three small children, in an almost wild country, where nothing but toil
+of a severe and arduous kind could provide a subsistence, was indeed in
+a most grievous situation. But she appears to have been a woman of no
+ordinary temperament, courage, and perseverance, for she continued
+cheerfully the work left her--rearing her boys, and preparing them for
+the situations in life they might be destined to fill. Mrs. Jackson was
+a woman of some information, and a strong advocate for the rights and
+liberties of men; as, it is said, she not only gave her boys their first
+rudiments of an English education, but often indulged in glowing
+lectures to them of the importance of instilling in their hearts and
+principles an unrelenting war against pomp, power, and circumstance of
+monarchical governments and institutions! She led them to know that they
+were born free and equal with the best of earth, and that that position
+was to be their heritage--maintained even at the peril of life and
+property! and how well he learned these chivalric lessons, the
+countrymen of Andrew Jackson need not now be told, as it was exemplified
+in every page of his whole history.
+
+Hugh, Robert, and Andrew, were now the widow's hope and treasures; Hugh
+and Robert were her main dependence in working their little farm, and
+Andrew, never a very robust person, was early sent to the best schools
+in the neighborhood, and much care taken by his mother to have him at
+least educated for a profession--the ministry. This resolve was more
+perhaps decided upon from the naturally stern, contemplative, and fixed
+principles of young Jackson; as at the early age of fifteen, he was by
+nature well prepared for the scenes being enacted around him, and in
+which, even those young as himself, were called upon to take an active
+part. This was in the days of the revolution, when the weak in numbers
+of this continent were about to try the _experiment_ of living free and
+independent, and establish the fact that royalty was an imposition and a
+humbug, only maintained by arrogance and pomp at the point of the
+bayonet.
+
+The British had begun the war--already had the echoes of "Bunker Hill,"
+and the smell of "villainous saltpetre," invaded and aroused the quiet
+dwellers in the woods and wilds of South Carolina, and the chivalric
+spirit that has ever characterized the men of the Palmetto state, at
+once responded to the tocsin of _liberty_. It was with no slight degree
+of sorrow and aching of the mother's heart, that she saw her two sons,
+Hugh and Robert, shoulder their muskets and join the Spartan band that
+assembled at Waxhaw Court-house. But she blessed her children and gave
+up her holy claim of a mother's love, for the common cause of the infant
+nation.
+
+Cornwallis and his army crossed the Yadkin, Lord Rawden, with a large
+force, took the town of Camden, and began a desolation of the adjacent
+country. Being apprised of a "rebel force" in arms at Waxhaw, he
+immediately dispatched a company of dragoons, with a company of
+infantry, to capture or disperse the "rebels." About forty men,
+including the two boys Jackson, were attacked by these veterans of the
+British army, but aided by their true courage, a good cause, and perfect
+knowledge of the country, they gave the invaders a hot reception, and
+many of the enemy were killed; and not until having made the most
+determinate resistance, and being overwhelmed by the great majority of
+the opposing forces, did these patriots retreat, leaving many of their
+friends dead upon their soil, and eleven of their number prisoners in
+the hands of the British. It was during this fight that Andrew
+Jackson--a mere lad--hearing the noise of the conflict, while he sat in
+the log-house of his mother, besought her to allow him to take his
+father's gun, and fly to join his brothers. And it was vain that the
+parent restrained him, knowing the temperament of the boy, from this
+dangerous determination; for with one warm embrace and parting kiss upon
+the brow of his mother, Andrew Jackson buckled on his powder-horn and
+bullet-pouch, and rushed to the scene of battle. But his friends were
+already flying, and hotly pursued by the enemy. Andrew met his brother
+Robert, who informed him of the death of their elder brother, Hugh; the
+two boys now fled together and concealed themselves in the woods, where
+they lay until hunger drove them forth--they sought food at a farm
+house, the owner of which proved to be a _tory_, and gave information to
+some soldiers in the vicinity--the Jacksons were both captured and led
+to prison. In the affray--for they yielded only by force--Robert was cut
+on the head by a sword in the hands of a petty officer, and he died in
+great agony in prison. It was here and then that the firm and manly
+bearing of the boy was exhibited; for he stood his griefs and
+imprisonment like a true hero. Not a tear escaped him by which his
+enemies might be led to believe he feared their power, or wavered in his
+allegiance to the cause of his country.
+
+"Here, _boy_, clean my boots!" said an officer to him. But the bright
+defiant eye of the boy smote the captor with a look, and as he curled
+his firm lips in scorn, he answered,
+
+"No, sir, I will _not!_"
+
+"You won't? I'll tie you, you young saucy rebel, to your post, and skin
+your back with a horse whip, if you do not clean my boots."
+
+"Do it," said the lion-hearted boy--"for I'll not stoop to clean the
+boots of your master!"
+
+The infuriated ruffian drew his sword, and to defend his head from the
+blow, Andrew threw up his little hand and received a gash--the scar of
+which went with him to the tomb at the Hermitage. A Captain Walker, of
+South Carolina, with a dozen or twenty men, during the imprisonment of
+Andrew Jackson, made a desperate charge upon a company of the British,
+near Camden, and captured thirteen of them; these prisoners he exchanged
+for seven of his countrymen, including the boy Andrew Jackson, prisoners
+of the enemy. Andrew hurried home--his poor old mother was upon her
+death bed, attended by an old negro nurse of the Jackson family, and
+suffering not only from the great multitude of grief consequent upon the
+death of her heroic sons, but for want of the common necessaries of
+life, the invaders having stripped the widow of her last pound of
+provisions. The life-spark rekindled in the eye of the mother, as she
+beheld her darling boy safe at her bedside--she grasped his hand with
+the firmness of a dying woman, and turning her eyes upon the now weeping
+boy, said,
+
+"Andrew, I leave you,--son, you will soon be alone in the world; be
+faithful, be true to God and your country--that--when--the--hour of
+death approaches you--will have--nothing to--dread--every thing--to hope
+for."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Andrew was taken ill after the burial of his mother, and but for the
+constant and tender care of the old black nurse--the last of the Jackson
+family--would have then passed away; he recovered--he was alone--not a
+relative in the world; poor, and in a land ravaged by a foreign foe,
+could a boy be more desolate and lonely? With a few "effects" thrown
+upon his shoulders, he went to North Carolina, Salisbury, where he
+entered the office of a famed lawyer--Spruce M'Cay--was admitted to the
+bar in 1778--went to Tennessee--served as a soldier in the Indian wars
+of 1783--chosen a Senator 1797--Major General in 1801--whipped the
+British in the most conclusive manner at New Orleans in 1815, and
+triumphantly elected President of the United States for eight years in
+1829. Andrew Jackson followed his mother's advice, and he not only
+triumphed over his hard fortune, but died a Christian, full of hope, in
+1845.
+
+
+
+
+Snaking out Sturgeons.
+
+
+We have roared until our ribs fairly ached, at the relation of the
+following "item" on sturgeons, by a loquacious friend of ours:--
+
+It appears our friend was located on the Kennebec river, a few years
+ago, and had a number of hands employed about a dam, and the sturgeons
+were very numerous and extremely docile. They would frequently come
+poking their noses close up to the men standing in the water, and one of
+the men bethought him how delicious a morsel of pickled sturgeon was,
+and he forthwith made a preparation to "snake out" a clever-sized fish.
+Getting an iron rod at the blacksmith's shop, close at hand, he bends up
+one end like a fish hook, and, slipping out into the stream, he slily
+places the hook under the sturgeon's nose and into its round hole of a
+mouth, expecting to fasten on to the victimized, harmless fish, and
+"yank" him clean and clear out of his watery element. But, "lordy,"
+wasn't he mistaken and surprised! The moment the hook touched the inside
+of the sturgeon's mouth, the creature backed water so sudden and
+forcibly as to near jerk the holder of the hook's head from its socket.
+The poor fellow was forty rods under water, and going down stream,
+before he mustered presence of mind enough to induce him to let go the
+hook!
+
+However, the lookers-on of this curious man[oe]uvre took a boat and
+fished out their half-drowned comrade, who concluded that he had paid
+pretty dearly for his whistle.
+
+The sturgeon-catching did not end here. After the laugh of the
+above-mentioned adventure had ceased, some one offered to bet a hat that
+he could hold a sturgeon and snake him clean out of the water; and as
+the man who _had_ tried the experiment felt altogether dubious about it,
+he at once bet that the sturgeon would be more than a match for any man
+in the crowd.
+
+The wager was duly staked, a rod crooked, the operator tucked up his
+sleeves and trowsers, and wades out to where a sturgeon or two were
+lying off in the shallow water. Of course the operation now became a
+matter of considerable interest; and as the man was a stout, hearty
+fellow, able to hold a bull by the horns, few entertained doubts of his
+bringing out _his_ sturgeon.
+
+After a long time the operator gets his hook under the sturgeon, and
+leans forward to stick it close into the jaws of the victim; and no
+sooner was that part of the feat accomplished, than Mr. Sturgeon "backs
+out" with the velocity of chain lightning, carrying his assailant under
+water and down stream! The man held on; and there they went, foaming and
+pitching, until the fellow, finding his breath nearly out of his body;
+his neck, arms, and legs just about dislocated, concluded to lose the
+hat and let the hook and sturgeon go!
+
+Pretty well used up, the poor fellow succeeded in getting out of the
+river, a convert to the first experimental idea of the strength and
+velocity of fish, especially a big sturgeon.
+
+Beginning to imagine that fish could swim, or had some muscular power,
+several of the bystanders were rife for experimenting on the sturgeons.
+
+Another iron rod was converted into a hook, and two burly-built Paddys
+volunteered to hook the fish. An opportunity was not long waited for,
+ere a jolly good elastic nosed genus sturgeon came smelling up close to
+where the Paddys had posted themselves upon some moss-covered, slippery
+stones, and with a sudden spasmodic effort, the man with the hook
+planted it firmly into the suction hole of the fish, while his companion
+held on to a rope fast to the hook. Before Pat could say Jack Robinson,
+of course he was jerked off his feet, and, letting go the iron, the
+other Paddy and the sturgeon set sail, having all the fun to themselves!
+This proved, or very nearly so, a serious _denouement_ to the
+sturgeon-catching by hand, for Paddy was carried clean and clear off
+soundings, and so repeatedly immersed in deep water, that his life was
+within an ace of being wet out of his body. The rope parted at last
+(poor Pat never thought of letting go his "hould"), and being dipped out
+of the liquid element and rolled over a barrel until his insides were
+emptied of the water, and heat restored through the influence of
+whiskey, he recovered, and further experimenting on sturgeons, that
+season, in the Kennebec, ceased.
+
+
+
+
+Mixing Meanings--Mangling English.
+
+
+There is an individual in Quincy Market, "doing business," who is down
+on customers who don't speak proper.
+
+"What's eggs, this morning?" says a customer.
+
+"_Eggs_, of course," says the dealer.
+
+"I mean--how do they _go_?"
+
+"Go?--where?"
+
+"Sho--!" says the customer, getting up his _fury_, "what for eggs?"
+
+"Money, money, sir! or good endorsed credit!" says the dealer.
+
+"Don't you understand the English language, sir?" says the customer.
+
+"Not as you mix it and mangle it; I don't!" responded the egg merchant.
+
+"What--is--the--price--per--dozen--for--your--eggs?"
+
+"Ah! now you talk," says the dealer. "Sixteen cents per dozen, is the
+price, sir!" They traded!
+
+
+
+
+Waking up the Wrong Passenger.
+
+
+In "comparing notes" with a travelled friend, I glean from his stock of
+information, gathered South-west, a few incidents in the life of a
+somewhat extensively famed Boston panoramic artist--one of which
+incidents, at least, is worth rehearsing. Some years ago, the South-west
+was beset by an organized coalition of desperadoes, whose daring
+outrages kept travellers and the dwellers in the Mississippi valley in
+continual fear and anxiety. "Running niggers" was one of the most
+popular and profitable branches of the business pursuits of these
+gentlemen freebooters, and, next to horse-stealing, was the most
+practised.
+
+At length, the citizens "measured swords" with the freebooters, or land
+pirates, more properly; forming themselves into committees, the citizens
+opened _Court_ and practised Judge Lynch's _code_ upon a multitude of
+just occasions. At the time of which we write, Mill's Point, on the
+Mississippi, was no great shakes of a _town_, but a spot where a very
+considerable amount of whiskey was drank, and a corresponding quantity
+of crime and desperate doings were enacted; indeed, some of the worst
+scenes in Southern Kentucky's tragic dramas were performed there. It so
+fell out, that some of the land pirates had been actively engaged in
+levying upon the negroes and mules around Mill's Point, and the
+protective committee were on the alert to capture and administer the law
+upon these fellows. It was discovered, one evening, as the shades of a
+black and rather tempestuous night were closing upon the mighty "father
+of waters" and his ancient banks, that a mysterious _voyageur_, or sort
+of piratical _vidette_, was seen in his light canoe, hugging the shore,
+either for shelter or some insidious purpose.
+
+The canoe and its navigator were diligently watched; but the coming
+storm and darkness soon closed observation, and the parties noticing the
+transaction hurried forward to the _Point_, and announced one or more of
+the land pirates in the neighborhood! Of course, the town--of some four
+houses, six "groceries," a _store_ and blacksmithery--was aroused,
+indignant! Impatient for a victim, the _posse comitatus_ "fired up,"
+armed to the teeth with pistol, bludgeon, blunderbuss, gun, bowie-knife,
+and--whiskey, started up the river to reconnoitre and intercept the
+pirate and his crew.
+
+Each nook and corner along shore, for some three miles, was
+carefully--as much so as the darkness would admit--scoured. The
+Storm-King rode by, the stars again twinkled in the azure-arched
+heavens, and soon, too, the bright silver moon beamed forth, and
+suddenly one of the vigilant committee espies the land-pirate and his
+canoe noiselessly floating down the rapid stream! No time was to be
+lost; the committee man, rather pleased with the fact of his being the
+first to make the discovery, apprised a comrade, and the two hurried
+back to the Point, to get a canoe and start out to capture the enemy.
+The canoe was obtained, three courageous men, armed to the teeth, as the
+saying goes, paddled off, and indeed they had not far to paddle, for
+right ahead they saw the mysterious canoe of the enemy! Where was the
+pirate? Asleep! Lying down in his frail vessel; either asleep, or
+"playing possum." At all events, the Mills-Pointers gave the enemy but a
+brief period to sleep or act; for, dashing alongside, a brawny arm
+seized the victim in the strange canoe by the breast and throat, with
+such a rush and fierceness that both canoes were upon the apex of
+"swamping."
+
+"Don't move! Don't budge an inch, or you're a case for eels, you thief!"
+
+"Make catfish bait of him at once!" yelled the second.
+
+"Don't move," cried the third, "don't move, you possum, or you're
+giblets, instanter!"
+
+But these injunctions scarcely seemed necessary, for, even had the
+captive been so inclined, he neither possessed the power nor opportunity
+to move a limb.
+
+"Haul him out," cried one.
+
+"Yes, lug him into our boat," said another; "so now, you skunk, lay
+still; don't open your trap, or I'll brain you on sight!"
+
+Having transferred the body of the captive from his "own canoe" to
+theirs, the Mills-Pointers made fast the stranger's _dug-out_, and then
+paddled for the landing. The pirate was duly hauled ashore, or on to the
+_wharf-boat_, and left under guard of one of the captors--a dreadful
+ugly-looking customer, a _cross_ between a whiskey-cask, bowie-knife,
+and a Seminole Indian or bull-dog, and armed equal to an arsenal--while
+the other two went up to the nearest "grocery," reported the capture,
+took a drink, and sent out word for _Court_ to meet. The poor victim was
+deposited on his back across some barrels, with his hands tied behind
+him. Recovering his scattered senses, the _pirate_ "waked up."
+
+"Look here, my virtuous friend," said he to his body-guard, who sat on
+an opposite barrel, with a heavy pistol in his hand, "what's all this
+about?"
+
+"Shet up!" responded the guard; "shet up your gourd. You'll know what's
+up, pooty soon, you ugly cuss, you!"
+
+"Well, that's explicit, anyhow!" coolly continued the captive. "But all
+I want to know, is--am I to be robbed, killed off, or only initiated
+into the mysteries of your craft?"
+
+"Shet up, you piratin' cuss, you; shet up, or I'll give you a settler!"
+was the reply.
+
+[Illustration: "Shet up, you piratin' cuss you; shet up or I'll give you
+a settler!--_Page_ 305.]
+
+"Well, really, you are accommodating," cavalierly replied the but little
+daunted captive. "One thing consoling I glean, my virtuous friend, from
+your scraps of information--you are not a pirate yourself, or in favor
+of that science! But I should like to know, old fellow, where I am, and
+what the deuce I'm here for."
+
+"Well, you'll soon diskiver the perticklers, for here comes the _Court_,
+and they'll have you dancin' on nothin' and kickin' at the wind, pooty
+soon; you kin stake your pile on that!"
+
+And with this, a hum was heard, and soon a mob of a dozen
+well-_stimulated_ citizens, and strangers about the Point, came rushing
+and yelling on to the wharf-boat and were quite as immediately gathered
+around the captive. The first impulse of the _posse comitatus_ appeared
+to manifest itself in a desire to hang the victim--straight up! A second
+(how _sober_ we know not) thought induced them to ask a question or two,
+and for this purpose the presiding _judge_ drew up before the still
+prostrate captive, and said--
+
+"Who are you? What have you got to say for yourself, anyhow?"
+
+The sunburnt, ragged, and rather romantic-looking prisoner turned his
+face towards the _judge_, and replied--
+
+"I have nothing of consequence to say, neighbor. I would like to know,
+however, what all this means!"
+
+"Where's your crew, you villain?" said the _judge_.
+
+"Crew? I have never found it necessary to have any, neighbor; navigation
+never engrossed a great deal of my attention, but I get along down here
+very well--without a crew!"
+
+"You do?" responded the _judge_; "well, we're going to hang you up."
+
+"You are, eh?" was the cool reply; "well, I have always been opposed to
+capital punishment, neighbor, and I know it would be unpleasant to me
+now!"
+
+The quiet manner of his reply rather won upon the _Court_, and says the
+_judge_--
+
+"Who are you, and where are you from?"
+
+"My name is Banvard--John Banvard, from Boston!"
+
+"It is, eh? What are you doing along here, alone in a canoe?"
+
+"_Taking a panorama of the Mississippi, neighbor, that's all._"
+
+The _Court_ adjourned _sine die_; the clever artist was untied, treated
+to the best the market afforded, that night; his canoe, rifle, &c.,
+restored next day, and John went on his way rejoicing in his narrow
+escape--finished his sketches, and the first great panorama "got up" in
+our country, and which he took to Europe, after making a fortune by it
+in America.
+
+
+
+
+Genius for Business.
+
+
+It's a highly prized faculty in shop-keeping to sell something when a
+customer comes in, if you can. A female relative of ours went into a
+Hanover street fancy store 'tother day, to "look over" some ivory card
+and needle cases; the slightly agricultural-looking clerk "flew around,"
+and when the question "Have you any ivory card cases?" was propounded,
+he responded--
+
+"Not any, mum;" glancing into the show-case, his visual orbs _lit_ upon
+a profusion of well-known matters in domestic economy, for the
+abrogation of certain parasitic insects.
+
+"Haven't any card cases, mum,--_got some elegant ivory small-tooth
+combs!_"
+
+
+
+
+Have You Got Any Old Boots?
+
+
+No slight portion of the ills that flesh is heir to, in a city life, is
+the culinary item of rent day. Washing day has had its day--machines and
+_fluid_ have made washing a matter of science and ease, and we are no
+longer bearded by fuming and uncouth women in the sulks and suds, as of
+yore, on the day set apart for renovating soiled dimities and dickeys.
+Another and more important matter, from the extent of its obnoxiousness
+to our nerves and temper, has come home to our very threshold and
+hearths, to disturb the even tenor of our domestic quietude and peace.
+
+"_Have you got any ole boots?_"
+
+Boston lost a good citizen by those bell-pulling, gate-whacking,
+back-door-pounding infernal collectors of time and care-worn _boots_.
+The old boot gatherers were almost as diverting as novel to me, when I
+first located in Boston; but I have long since learned to hate and abhor
+them, and their co-laborers in the tin-pan, tape, tea-pot, willow work,
+and white pine ware trade, with a most religious enthusiasm.
+
+"_Have you got any ole boots?_"
+
+How often--a hundred times at least, have I gone to the door and heard
+this inquiry--ten times in one day, for I kept count of it, and used
+enough "strong language" at each shutting--banging to of the door, to
+last a "first officer" through a gale of wind.
+
+"_Have you got any ole boots?_"
+
+The idea of jumping up from your beef steak and coffee, or morning
+paper--just as you had got into a deeply interesting bit of information
+on "breadstuff's," California, or the Queen's last baby, to open your
+door, and espy a grim-visaged and begrimed son of the Emerald Isle,
+just rearing his phiz above the pyramid of ancient and defiled leather,
+and meekly asking--
+
+"_Have yez got any ole boots?_"
+
+These _collectors_ are of course prepared for any amount of explosive
+_gas_ you may shower down upon their uncombed crowns, as the cool and
+perfectly-at-home manner they descend your steps to mount those of your
+next-door neighbor plainly indicates. The "pedlers" and--
+
+"_Have you got any ole boots?_"
+
+Drove my respected--middle-aged friend Mansfield--clear out of town! Mr.
+Mansfield was a _retired_ flour merchant; he was not rich, but well to
+do in the world. He had no children of his own, in lieu of which,
+however, he had become responsible for the "bringing up" of two orphans
+of a friend. One of these children was a boy, old enough to be
+_devilish_ and mightily inclined that way. The boy's name was Philip,
+the foster father he called Uncle Henry, and not long after arriving in
+town, and opening house at the South End, Mr. Mansfield--who was given
+to quiet musings, book and newspaper reading--found that he was likely
+to become a victim to the aforesaid hawkers, pedlers and old boot
+collectors.
+
+Uncle Henry stood it for a few months, with the firmness of an
+experienced philosopher, laying the flattering unction to his soul that,
+however harrowing--
+
+"_Got any ole boots to-day?_"
+
+might be to him, for the present, he could grin and bear and finally get
+used to it, as other people did. But Uncle Henry possessed an irritable
+and excitable temperament, that not one man in ten thousand could boast
+of, and hence he grew--at length sour, then savage, and, finally, quite
+meat-axish, towards every outsider who dared to ring his bell, and
+proffer wooden ware and tin fixins, for rags and rubbers, or make the
+never-to-be-forgotten inquiry--
+
+"_Have you got any ole boots to-day?_"
+
+Always at home, seated in his front parlor, and his frugal wife not
+permitting the expense of a servant, Uncle Henry, or Master Philip, were
+obliged to wait on the door. The old gentleman finally concluded that
+the pedlers and old boot collectors, more as a matter of daily amusement
+than profit or concern--gave him a call. And laboring under this
+impression, Uncle Henry determined to give the nuisances, as he called
+them, a reception commensurate with their impertinence and his worked up
+ire.
+
+"Now, Philly," said Uncle Henry, one morning after breakfast, "we'll fix
+these--
+
+"'_Got any ole boots?_'
+
+"We'll give the rascals a caution, they won't neglect soon, I'll warrant
+them. Bring me the hammer and nails; that's a man; now get uncle the
+high chair; so, that's it; now I'll fix this shelf up over the top of
+the door, on a pivot--bore this hole through here--put the string
+through that way, here, umph; oh, now we'll have a trap for the
+scoundrels. I'll learn them how to come pulling people's bells, clean
+out by the very roots, making us drop all, to come wait on them, rot
+them--
+
+"'_Got any ole boots?_'
+
+"I'll give you old boots, by the lord Harry; I'll give you a dose of
+something you won't forget, to your dying day."
+
+And thus jabbering, fixing and pushing about the revolving shelf, over
+his hall door, Mr. Mansfield worked away at his trap. Like that of most
+dwellings in Boston, Uncle Henry's front door was _sunk_ some six or
+eight feet into the face of the house, reached by a flight of six
+granite steps--side and top lights to the door, in the ordinary way,
+with brass plate and bell pull. It was in a neighborhood not _plebeian_
+enough to induce butcher boys to enter the hall, with the pork and
+potatoes, nor admit of the servant girl heaving "slops" out of the
+front windows; yet not sufficiently parvenu to impress pedlers and
+
+"_Got any ole boots?_"
+
+with aristocratic or "respectable" _awe_, ere venturing to mount the
+steps, pull the bell, and mention tin pots, scrap iron, rags and old
+leather. Mr. Mansfield was inclined to _chuckle_ in his sleeves at the
+_ruse_ he would be enabled to give his tormentors through the agency of
+his revolving battery--charged with ground charcoal and brick dust, to
+be worked by himself or Philly, by means of a string on the inside.
+Philly was duly initiated into the _modus operandi_; when--
+
+"_Got any ole boots?_"
+
+made his appearance, amid his pyramid of leather, or a pedler's wagon
+was seen in the neighborhood, Philly was to be on the _qui vive_, inform
+Uncle Henry, and if they mounted the steps, he would give them a shower
+bath upon a new and astonishing principle.
+
+It was perfect "nuts" for Master Phil; he was tickled at the idea, and
+readily agreed to Uncle Henry's propositions. Not long after arranging
+the "infernal machine," Uncle Henry's attention was called to another
+part of the house; a dire calamity had befallen the Canary bird; a
+strange cat had pounced upon the cage--the door flew open, and puss
+nabbed the little warbler. Philly, on the look out, in front, discovers
+two old boot men approaching the neighborhood; desirous of showing his
+own skill, he did not call Uncle Henry, but posted himself behind the
+door--string in hand, awaiting the _cue_. Feet approach--quickly the
+feet mount the steps.
+
+"_Ding al ling, ding de ding, ding, ding, ding!_"
+
+"_Sh-i-i-s-swashe!_" and down comes the avalanche of coal dust and
+refined brick, the bulk of a peck, fair measurement!
+
+Uncle Henry reached the door just in time to see the penny postman
+covered from head to foot with the obnoxious composition! Philly took
+occasion to make a sudden exit, the postman swore--swore like a trooper,
+but Uncle Henry managed to pack the whole transaction upon the "devilish
+boy"--brushed the postman's clothes, and after some effort, so mollified
+him as to induce the sufferer to depart in peace. Uncle Henry _tried_ to
+be very severe on Philly, but it was very evident to that hopeful that
+the old gentleman was more tickled than serious. Philly cleared the
+steps, and the old gentleman re-arranged the trap, admonishing Philly
+not to dare to meddle with it again, but call him when--
+
+"_Got any ole boots?_" made their appearance.
+
+All was quiet up to noon next day; Uncle Henry had business down town,
+and left the house at 9 A. M. Philly was at school, but got home before
+Uncle Henry, and seeing the pedler wagon near the door--slipped in, and
+learning that the old gentleman was out, he gladly took charge of the
+battery again. Now, just as the pedler mounted the steps of the next
+door, Mr. Mansfield sees him, and hurries up his own steps, to be on the
+watch for the pedler. Philly had been peeking out the corner of the side
+curtain, and seeing the pedler coming, as he thought, right up the
+steps--nabbed the string, and as Uncle Henry caught the knob of the
+door--down came thundering the brick dust and charcoal both, in the most
+elegant profusion.
+
+Phil was _tricked_. Uncle Henry's vociferations were equal to that of a
+drunken beggar--the trap was removed, Uncle Henry got disgusted with
+city life, and left--for rural retirement, without as much as giving one
+single rebuke to--
+
+"_Got any ole boots to-day?_"
+
+
+
+
+The Vagaries of Nature.
+
+
+Nature seems to have her fitful, frightful, and funny moods, as well as
+all her children. Now she gets up a stone bridge, the gigantic
+proportions and the symmetrical development of which attract great
+attention from all tourists and historians who venture into or speak of
+"old Virginia." The old dame goes down far into the bowels of Mother
+Earth, in Kentucky, and builds herself, silently and alone, a stupendous
+under-ground palace, that laughs to scorn the puny efforts of man in
+that branch of business. She gets up sugar-loaf mountains, pillars of
+salt, great granite breastworks, and stone towers; hews out
+figure-heads, old men's noses on the beetling cliffs of New Hampshire,
+and throws up rocky palisades along the Hudson, that win wonder and
+delight from the floating million. Instances out of all number might be
+raked up, home and abroad, to show how the old dame has cut _didoes_ in
+the prosecution of her manifold duties. But in Australia, it would seem,
+nature has taken most especial pains to appear slightly ridiculous or
+very eccentric.
+
+Old Captain Rocksalt informs us--and there is always wit, wisdom, and
+truth in the old man's stories--that he made voyages to Australia many
+times within the past thirty years, and having visited about all the
+sea-ports of the Continent, lived and almost died in Australia, his
+notes are worthy of attention. Capt. Cook discovered and named _Botany
+Bay_, the name originating from the fact that the land was covered with
+a luxurious growth of Botanical specimens. The Dutch discovered and
+named _Van Diemen's Land_. The English at once concluded to make Botany
+Bay a penal colony, and the first living freight of criminals and
+soldiers sent out, was some 700 in number, in 1788; but Capt. Phillip,
+the commander of the fleet, being dissatisfied with the looks of Botany
+Bay, hunted up a better place, and sailed to it. When Capt. Cook was
+cruising off there, one of his sailors, on the look out, cried, "Land
+ho!"
+
+Cook was over his wine and beef, in the cabin, and it took him some time
+to "tumble up" on deck.
+
+"Where the deuce is your land, eh?" bawls the old cruiser.
+
+"Larboard beam, sir!" responds the "lookout;" and, sure enough, a long,
+faint streak of land was visible from deck. The "lookout" announced a
+harbor, head-lands, &c.; but the rum old captain, not being able to see
+any such indication, with a chuckle, says he--
+
+"You booby! harbor, eh? Ha, ha! well, we'll call it a port, you powder
+monkey--_Port Jackson!_"
+
+And faith, so the lookout, Jackson, became sponsor to the finest harbor
+in all Australia; for Capt. Phillip, upon rediscovering the harbor, took
+his fleet into it, and then and there began the now flourishing city of
+Sydney.
+
+Australia is an Island, lying opposite another--New Zealand. It is on
+the Indian Ocean, south side, while the east opens to the Pacific.
+Australia claims to contain a superficial area of over three million
+square miles, part desert, rather mountainous, and all being in one of
+the finest climates on the face of the earth. The air is dry, the soil
+light and sandy; the high winds stir up the dust and fine sand, and make
+ophthalmy the only positive ill peculiar to the country. Sheep-grazing,
+wool-growing, and boiling down sheep and cattle for tallow was the great
+business of the country from its earliest settlement up to 1851, when
+the _gold fever_ swept the land.
+
+Australia was inhabited by over 100,000 natives, black cannibals of the
+ugliest description; but at this day not a hundred of them remain. The
+natives were exceeding stupid and useless; the first settlers, who, as
+Capt. Rocksalt observes, were jail-birds and scape-gallows, were not
+very dainty in dealing with the obnoxious natives; so they determined to
+get rid of them as fast and easy as possible. For this purpose, they
+used to gather a horde of them together, and give them poisoned bread
+and rum, and so kill them off by hundreds. It was a sharp sort of
+_practice_, but the _ends_ seemed to justify the _means_.
+
+Gold, "laying around loose," as it did, was, no doubt, _discovered_
+years ago; but not in quantities to lead the ignorant to believe money
+could be made hunting it. People may be stupid; but it requires a far
+greener capacity than most of them would confess to--at least, ten years
+ago--to make them believe gold could be picked up in chunks out in the
+open fields.
+
+But Australia began to be populated; by convicts first; and then by far
+better people; though the very worst felons sent out often became decent
+and respectable men, which is indeed a great "puff," we think, for the
+healthfulness of the climate. A convict shepherd now and then used to
+bring into Sydney small lumps of gold and sell them to the watch-makers,
+and as he refused to say where or how he got them, it was suspicioned
+that he had secreted guineas or jewelry somewhere, and occasionally
+melted them for sale.
+
+However, one day the thing broke out, nearly simultaneously, all over
+Australia. Gold was lying around everywhere. The rocks, ledges, bars,
+gullies, and river-banks, which were daily familiar to the eyes of
+thousands, all of a sudden turned up bright and shining gold. Old Dame
+Nature must have laughed in her sleeve to see the fun and uproar--the
+scrabble and rush she had caused in her vast household.
+
+"It did beat _all!_" exclaims the old Captain. "In forty-eight hours
+Sydney was half-depopulated, Port Phillip nearly desolate, while the
+interior villages or towns--Bathurst, &c., were run clean out!"
+
+Stores were shut up, the clerks running to the mines, and the
+proprietors after the clerks. Mechanics dropped work and put out;
+servants left without winking, leaving people to wait on themselves;
+doctors left what few patients they had, and bolted for the fields of
+Ophir; lawyers packed up and cut stick, following their clients and
+victims to the brighter fields of "causes" and effects. The newspapers
+became so short-handed that dailies were knocked into weeklies, and the
+weeklies into cocked hats, or something near it--mere eight-by-ten
+"handbills."
+
+These "discoveries" wrought as sudden as singular a revolution in men,
+manners, and things. As we said before, Australia was the very apex of
+singularities in the way of Dame Nature's fancy-work, long before the
+gold mania broke out; but now she seemed bent on a general and
+miscellaneous freak, making the staid, matter-of-fact Englishmen as full
+of caprice as the land they were living in.
+
+"Only look at it!" exclaims the Captain: "the day comes in the middle of
+our nights! When we're turning in at home, they are turning out in
+Australia. Summer begins in the middle of winter; and for snow storms
+they get rain, thunder and lightning. About the time we are getting used
+to our woollens and hot fires of the holidays, they are roasting with
+heat, and going around in linen jackets and wilted dickeys. The land is
+full of flowers of every hue, gay and beautiful, gorgeous and sublime to
+look at, but as senseless to the smell and as inodorous as so many dried
+chips. The swans are numerous, but jet black. The few animals in the
+country are all provided with pockets in their 'overcoats,' or skin, in
+which to stow their young ones, or provender. Some of the rivers really
+appear," says the Captain, "to run up stream! I was completely taken
+down," says the Captain, "by a bunch of the finest pears you ever saw.
+Myself and a friend were up the country, and I sees a fine pear tree,
+breaking down with as elegant-looking fruit as I ever saw.
+
+"'Well, by ginger,' says I, 'them are about as fine pears as I've seen
+these twenty years!'
+
+"'Yes,' says my friend, who was a resident in the country; 'perhaps you
+would like to try a few?'
+
+"'That I shall,' says I; so I ups and knocks down a few, and it was a
+job to get them down, I tell you; and when I had one between my teeth I
+gave it a nip--see there, two teeth broke off," says the Captain,
+showing us the fact; "the fine pears _were mere wood!_
+
+"The country is well supplied with fine birds; but they are dumb as
+beetles, sir--never heard a bird sing or whistle a note in Australia.
+The trees make no shade, the leaves hang from the stems edge up, and
+look just as if they had been whipped into shreds by a gale of wind; and
+you rarely see a tree with a bit of bark on it.
+
+"But what completely upset me, was the cherries, sir--fine cherries,
+plenty of them, but the _stones were all on the outside!_ The bees have
+no stings, the snakes no fangs, and the eagles are all white. The north
+wind is hot, the south wind cold. Our longest days are in summer; but in
+Australia, sir, the shortest days come in summer, and the longest in
+winter; and," says the Captain, "I can't begin to tell you how many
+curious didoes nature seems to cut, in that country; but, altogether,
+it's one of the queerest countries I ever did see, by ginger!"
+
+And we have come to the conclusion--it is. If the gold continues to
+"turn up" in such boulders and "nuggets" as recently reported, Australia
+is bound to be the richest and most densely populated, as well as
+_queerest_ country known to man.
+
+
+
+
+A General Disquisition on "Hinges."
+
+
+Did you ever see a real, true, unadulterated specimen of _Down East_,
+enter a store, or other place of every-day business, for the purpose of
+"looking around," or _dicker_ a little? They are "coons," they are, upon
+all such occasions. We noted one of these "critters" in the store of a
+friend of ours, on Blackstone Street, recently. He was a full bloom
+_Yankee_--it stuck out all over him. He sauntered into the store, as
+unconcerned, quietly, and familiarly, as though in no great hurry about
+anything in particular, and killing time, for his own amusement.
+Absalom, Abijah, Ananias, Jedediah, or Jeremiah, or whatever else his
+name may have been, wore a very large fur cap, upon a very small and
+close-cut head; his features were mightily pinched up; there was a
+cunning expression about the corner of his eyes, not unlike the
+embodiment of--"catch a weazel asleep!" while the smallness of his
+mouth, thinness and blue cast of his chin and lips, bespoke a keen,
+calculating, pinch a four-pence until it squeaked like a frightened
+locomotive temperament! His "boughten" sack coat, fitting him all over,
+similar to a wet shirt on a broom-handle, was pouched out at the pockets
+with any quantity of numerous articles, in the way of books and boots,
+pamphlets and perfumery, knick-knacks and gim-cracks, calico, candy, &c.
+His vest was short, but that deficiency was made up in superfluity of
+_dickey_, and a profusion of sorrel whiskers. Having got into the store,
+he very leisurely walked around, viewing the hardware, separately and
+minutely, until one of the clerks edged up to him:
+
+"What can we do for you to-day, sir?"
+
+Looking _quarteringly_ at the clerk for about two full minutes, says
+he--
+
+"I'd dunno, just yet, mister, what yeou kin do."
+
+"Those are nice hinges, real wrought," says the clerk, referring to an
+article the "customer" had just been gazing at with evident interest.
+
+"Rale wrought?" he asked, after another lapse of two minutes.
+
+"They are, yes, sir," answered the clerk. Then followed another pause;
+the Yankee with both his hands sunk deep into his trowsers' pockets, and
+viewing the hinges at a respectful distance, in profound calculation,
+three minutes full.
+
+"They be, eh?" he at length responded.
+
+"Yes, sir, _warranted_," replied the clerk. Another long pause. The
+Yankee approached the hinges, two steps--picks up a bundle of the
+article, looks knowingly at them two minutes--
+
+"Yeou don't say so?"
+
+"No doubt about that, at all," the clerk replies, rather pertly, as he
+moves off to wait upon another customer, who bought some eight or ten
+dollars' worth of cutlery and tools, paid for them, and cleared out,
+while our Yankee genius was still reconnoitering the hinges.
+
+"I say, mister, where's them made?" inquires the Yankee.
+
+"In England, sir," replied the clerk.
+
+"Not in _Neuw_ England, I'll bet a fo'pence!"
+
+"No, not here--in Europe."
+
+"I knowed they warn't made areound here, by a darn'd sight!"
+
+"We've plenty of American hinges, if you wish them," said the clerk.
+
+"I've seen _hinges_ made in _aour_ place, better'n them."
+
+"Perhaps you have. We have finer hinges," answered the clerk.
+
+"I 'spect you have; I don't call _them_ anything great, no how!"
+
+"Well, here's a better article; better hinges--"
+
+"Well, them's pooty nice," said the Yankee, interrupting the clerk, "but
+they're small hinges."
+
+"We have all sizes of them, sir, from half an inch to four inches."
+
+"You hev?" inquiringly observed the Yankee, as the clerk again left him
+and the hinges, to wait on another customer, who bought a keg of nails,
+&c., and left.
+
+"I see you've got brass hinges, tew!" again continued the Yankee, after
+musing to himself for twenty minutes, _full_.
+
+"O, yes, plenty of them," obligingly answered the clerk.
+
+"How's them brass 'uns work?"
+
+"Very well, I guess; used for lighter purposes," said the clerk.
+
+"Put 'em on desks, and cubber-doors, and so on?"
+
+"Yes; they are used in a hundred ways."
+
+"Hinges," says the Yankee, after a pause, "ain't considered, I guess, a
+very neuw invenshun?"
+
+"I should think not," half smilingly replied the clerk.
+
+"D'yeou ever see wooden hinges, mister?"
+
+"Never," candidly responded the clerk.
+
+"Well, I _hev_," resolutely echoed the Yankee.
+
+"You have, eh?"
+
+"E' yes, plenty on 'em--eout in Illinoi; seen fellers eout there that
+never seen an iron hinge or a razor in their lives!"
+
+"I wasn't aware our western friends were so far behind the times as
+that," said the clerk.
+
+"It's a _fact_--dreadful, tew, to be eout in a place like that,"
+continued the Yankee. "I kept school eout there, nigh on to a year;
+couldn't stand it--"
+
+"Ah, indeed!" mechanically echoed the poor clerk.
+
+"No, _sir_; dreadful place, some parts of Illinoi; folks air almighty
+green; couldn't tell how old they air, nuff on 'em; when they get mighty
+old and bald-headed, they stop and die off, of their own accord."
+
+"Illinois must be a healthy place?" observed the clerk.
+
+"Healthy place! I guess not, mister; fever and ague sweetens 'em, I tell
+you. O, it's dreadful, fever and ague is!"
+
+"That caused you to leave, I suppose?" said the clerk.
+
+"Well, e' yes, partly; the climate, morals, and the water, kind o' went
+agin me. The big boys had a way o' fightin', cursin', and swearin',
+pitchin' apple cores and corn at the master, that didn't exactly suit
+me. Finally, one day, at last, the boys got so confeounded sassy, and I
+got the fever and agy so _bad_, that they shook daown the school-house
+chimney, and I shook my hair nearly all eout by the roots, with the
+_agy_--so I packed up and _slid!_"
+
+The clerk being again called away to wait on a fresh customer, the
+Yankee was left to his meditations and survey. Having some twenty more
+minutes to walk around the store, and examine the stock, he brought up
+opposite the clerk, who was busy tying up gimlets, screws, and stuff,
+for a carpenter's apprentice. Yankee explodes again.
+
+"Got a big steore of goods layin' areound here, haven't yeou?"
+
+"We have, sir, a fair assortment," said the clerk.
+
+"Them Illinoi folks haven't no _idee_ what a place this Boston is; they
+haven't. I tried to larn 'em a few things towards civilization, but
+'twaren't no sort o' use tryin'!"
+
+"New country yet; the Illinois folks will brighten up after a while, I
+guess," said the clerk. "Did you wish to examine any other sort of
+hinges, sir?" he continued.
+
+"Hain't I seen all yeou hev?"
+
+"O, no; here we have another variety of hinges, steel, copper, plated,
+&c. These are fine for parlor doors, &c.," said the clerk.
+
+"E' yes them air nice, I swow, mister; look like rale silver. I 'spect
+them cost somethin'?"
+
+"They come rather high," said the clerk, "but we've got them as low as
+you can buy them in the market."
+
+"I want to know!" quietly echoes the Yankee.
+
+"Yes, sir; what do you wish to use them for?" says the clerk.
+
+"Use 'em?" responded the Yankee.
+
+"Yes; what _priced_ hinges did you require?"
+
+"What priced hinges?--"
+
+"Exactly! Tell me what you require them _for_, and I can soon come at
+the _sort_ of hinges you require," said the clerk, making an effort to
+come to a climax.
+
+"Who said _I_ wanted any hinges?"
+
+"Who said you wanted any? Why, don't you want to buy hinges?"
+
+"Buy hinges? Why, _no;_ I don't want nothin'; _I only came in to look
+areound!_"
+
+Having looked around, the imperturbable Yankee stepped out, leaving the
+poor clerk--quite flabbergasted!
+
+
+
+
+Miseries of Bachelorhood.
+
+
+Dabster says he would not mind living as a bachelor, but when he comes
+to think that bachelors must die--that they have got to go down to the
+grave "without any body to cry for them"--it gives him a chill that
+frost-bites his philosophy. Dabster was seen on Tuesday evening, going
+convoy to a milliner. Putting this fact to the other, and we think we
+"smell something," as the fellow said when his shirt took fire.
+
+
+
+
+The Science of "Diddling."
+
+
+Jeremy Diddlers have existed from time immemorial down, as traces of
+them are found in all ancient and modern history, from the Bible to
+Shakspeare, from Shakspeare to the revelations of George Gordon Byron,
+who strutted his brief hour, acted his part, and--vanished. Diddler is
+derived from the word _diddle_, to _do_--every body who has not yet made
+his debut to the Elephant. We believe the word has escaped the attention
+of the ancient lexicographers, and even Worcester, and the still more
+durable "Webster," have no note of the word, its derivation, or present
+sense.
+
+A "Jeremy Diddler" is, in _fact_, one of your first-class vagabonds; a
+fellow who has been spoiled by indulgent parents, while they were in
+easy circumstances. Trained up to despise labor, not capacitated by
+nature or inclination to pass current in a profession, he finds himself
+at twenty possessed of a genteel address, a respectable wardrobe, a few
+friends, and--no visible means of support. There are but two ways about
+it--take to the highway, or become a Diddler--a sponge--and, like
+woodcock, live on "suction." The early part of a Diddler's life is
+chiefly spent among the ladies;--they being strongly susceptible of
+flattering attentions, especially those of "a nice young man," your
+Diddler lives and flourishes among them like a fighting cock. Diddler's
+"heyday" being over, he next becomes a politician--an old Hunker;
+attends caucusses and conventions, dinners and inaugurations. Never
+aspiring to matrimony among the ladies, he remains an "old bach;" never
+hoping for office under government, he never gets any; and when, at
+last, both youth and energies are wasted, Diddler dons a white
+neckcloth, combs his few straggling hairs behind his ears, and, dressed
+in a well-brushed but shocking seedy suit of sable, he jines church and
+turns "old fogie," carries around the plate, does chores for the parson,
+becomes generally useful to the whole congregation, and finally shuffles
+off his mortal coil, and ends his eventful and useless life in the most
+becoming manner.
+
+Cities are the only fields subservient to the successful practice of a
+respectable Diddler. New York affords them a very fair scope for
+operation, but of all the American cities, New Orleans is the Diddler's
+paradise! The mobile state of society, the fluctuations of men and
+business, the impossibility of knowing any thing or any body there for
+any considerable period, gives the Diddler ample scope for the exercise
+of his peculiar abilities to great effect. He dines almost sumptuously
+at the daily lunches set at the splendid drinking saloons and _cafes_,
+he lives for a month at a time on the various upward-bound steamboats.
+In New Orleans, the departure of a steamer for St. Louis, Cincinnati or
+Pittsburg, is announced for such an hour "to-day"--positively; Diddler
+knows it's "all a gag" to get passengers and baggage hurried on, and the
+steamer keeps _going_ for two to five days before she's gone; so he
+comes on board, registers one of his commonplace aliases, gets his
+state-room and board among the crowd of _real_ passengers, up to the
+hour of the boat's shoving out, then he--slips ashore, and points his
+boots to another boat. Many's the Diddler who's passed a whole season
+thus, dead-heading it on the steamers of the Crescent City. Sometimes
+the Diddler learns bad habits in the South, from being a mere Diddler,
+which is morally bad enough; he comes in contact with professional
+gamblers, plunges into the most pernicious and abominable of
+vices--gambles, cheats, swindles, and finally, as a grand tableau to his
+utter damnation here and hereafter, opens a store or a bank with a
+crowbar--or commits murder.
+
+
+
+
+The Re-Union; Thanksgiving Story.
+
+     "Behold, for peace I had great bitterness, but thou hast in love to
+     my soul delivered it from the pit of corruption: for thou hast cast
+     all my sins behind thy back."--Isaiah.
+
+
+A portly elderly gentleman, with one hand in his breeches pocket, and
+the fingers of the other drumming a disconsolate rub-a-dub upon the
+window glass of an elegant mansion near Boston Common, is the personage
+I wish to call your attention to, friend reader, for the space of a few
+moments. The facts of my story are commonplace, and thereby the more
+probable. The names of the dramatis personæ I shall introduce, will be
+the _only_ part of my subject imaginary. Therefore, the above-described
+old gentleman, whom we found and left drumming his rub-a-dub upon the
+window panes, we shall call Mr. Joel Newschool. To elucidate the matter
+more clearly, I would beg leave to say, that Mr. Joel Newschool, though
+now a wealthy and retired merchant, with all the "pomp and circumstance"
+of fortune around him, could--if he chose--well recollect the day when
+his little feet were shoeless, red and frost-bitten, as he plodded
+through the wheat and rye stubble of a Massachusetts farmer, for whom he
+acted in early life the trifling character of a "cow boy."
+
+Yes, Joel could remember this if he chose; but to the vain heart of a
+proud millionaire, such reflections seldom come to the surface. Like
+hundreds of other instances in the history of our countrymen, by a
+prolonged life of enterprise and good luck, Joel Newschool found
+himself, at the age of four-and-sixty, a very wealthy, if not a happy
+man. With his growing wealth, grew up around him a large family. Having
+served an apprenticeship to farming, he allowed but a brief space to
+elapse between his freedom suit and portion, and his wedding-day. Joel
+and his young and fresh country spouse, with light hearts and lighter
+purses, came to Boston, settled, and thus we find them old and wealthy.
+In the heart and manners of Mrs. Newschool, fortune made but slight
+alteration; but the accumulation of dollars and exalted privileges that
+follow wealth, had wrought many changes in the heart and feelings of her
+husband.
+
+The wear of time, which is supposed to dim the eye, seemed to improve
+the ocular views of Joel Newschool amazingly, for he had been enabled in
+his late years to see that a vast difference of _caste_ existed between
+those that tilled the soil, wielded the sledge hammer, or drove the
+jack-plane, and those that were merely the idle spectators of such
+operations. He no longer groped in the darkness of men who believed in
+such fallacies as that wealth gave man no superiority over honest
+poverty! In short, Mr. Newschool had kept pace with all the fine notions
+and ostentatious feelings so peculiar to the mushroom aristocracy of the
+nineteenth century. He gloried in his pride, and yet felt little or none
+of that happiness that the bare-footed, merry cow boy enjoyed in the
+stubble field. But such is man.
+
+With all his comfortable appurtenances wealth could buy and station
+claim, the retired merchant was not a happy man. Though his expensive
+carriage and liveried driver were seen to roll him regularly to the
+majestic church upon the Sabbath: though he was a patient listener to
+the massive organ's spiritual strains and the surpliced minister's
+devout incantations: though he defrauded no man, defamed not his
+neighbor, was seeming virtuous and happy, there was at his heart a pang
+that turned to lees the essence of his life.
+
+Joel Newschool had seen his two sons and three daughters, men and women
+around him; they all married and left his roof for their own. One, a
+favorite child, a daughter, a fine, well-grown girl, upon whom the
+father's heart had set its fondest seal--she it was that the hand of
+Providence ordained to humble the proud heart of the sordid millionaire.
+Cecelia Newschool, actuated by the noblest impulses of nature, had for
+her husband sought "a _man_, not a money chest," and this circumstance
+had made Cecelia a severed member of the Newschool family, who could
+not, in the refined delicacy of their senses, tolerate such palpable
+condescension as to acknowledge a tie that bound _them_ to the wife of a
+poor artizan, whatever might be his talents or integrity as a man.
+
+Francis Fairway had made honorable appeal to the heart of Cecelia, and
+she repaid his pains with the full gift of a happy wife. She counted not
+his worldly prospects, but yielded all to his constancy. She wished for
+nothing but his love, and with that blessed beacon of life before her,
+she looked but with joy and hope to the bright side of the sunny future.
+
+The home of the artizan was a plain, but a happy one. Loving and
+beloved, Cecelia scarce felt the loss of her sumptuous home and ties of
+kindred. But not so the proud father and the patient mother, the haughty
+sisters and brothers; they felt all; they attempted to conceal all, that
+bitterness of soul, the canker that gnaws upon the heart when we will
+strive to stifle the better parts of our natures.
+
+Time passed on; one, two, or three years, are quickly passed and gone.
+Though this little space of time made little or no change in the
+families of the proud and indolent relatives, it brought many changes in
+the eventful life of the young artizan and his wife. Two sweet little
+babes nestled in the mother's arms, and a new and splendid invention of
+the poor mechanic was reaping the wonder and admiration of all Europe
+and America.
+
+This was salt cast upon the affected wounds of the haughty relatives.
+Now ashamed of their petty, poor, contemptible arrogance, they could not
+in their hearts find space to welcome or partake of the proud dignity
+with which honorable industry had crowned the labors of the young
+mechanic.
+
+It was a cold day in November; the wind was twirling and whistling
+through the trees on the Common; the dead leaves were dropping seared
+and yellow to the earth, admonishing the old gentleman whom we left
+drumming upon the window, that--
+
+    "_Such was life!_"
+
+The old gentleman thumped and thumped the window pane with a dreary
+_sotto voce_ accompaniment for some minutes, when he was interrupted by
+an aged, pious-looking matron, who dropped her spectacles across the
+book in her lap, as she sat in her chair by the fireside, and said--
+
+"Joel."
+
+"Umph?" responded the old gentleman.
+
+"The Lord has spared us to see another Thanksgiving day, should we live
+to see to-morrow."
+
+"He has," responded Mr. Newschool.
+
+"I've been thinking, Joel, that how ungrateful to God we are, for the
+blessings, and prosperity, and long life vouchsafed to us, by a good and
+benevolent Almighty."
+
+"Rebecca," said the faltering voice of the rich man, "I know, I feel all
+this as sensitive as you can possibly feel it."
+
+"I was thinking, Joel," continued the good woman, "to-morrow we shall,
+God permitting, be with our children and friends once again, together."
+
+"I hope so, I trust we shall," answered the husband.
+
+"And I was thinking, Joel," resumed the wife, "that the exclusion of our
+own child, Cecelia, from the family re-unions, from joining us in
+returning thanks to God for his mercy and preservation of us, is cruel
+and offensive to Him we deign to render up our prayers."
+
+"Rebecca," said the old gentleman, "I but agree with you in this, you
+have but anticipated my feelings in the matter. I have long fought
+against my better feelings and offended a discriminating God, I know.
+Ashamed to confess my stubbornness and frailty before, I now freely
+confess an altered feeling and better determination."
+
+"Then, Joel, let our daughter Cecelia and her husband join with us
+to-morrow in rendering our thanks to a just God and kind Providence."
+
+"Be it so, Rebecca. God truly knows it will be a millstone relieved from
+my heart. I wish it done."
+
+Three family re-unions, three days of Thanksgiving had been held in the
+paternal mansion of the Newschools, since Cecelia had left it for the
+humble home of the poor artizan. But their several re-unions were
+clouded, gloomy, unsocial affairs; there was a gap in the social circle
+of the Newschool family, as they met on Thanksgiving day, which all
+felt, but none hinted at. It was hard for a parent to invoke blessings
+on a portion, but not all, of his own flesh and blood; it was hard to
+return thanks for those dear ones present, and _wonder_ whether the
+absent and equally dear had aught to be thankful for, whether instead of
+health and comfort, they might not be sorrowing in disease, poverty, and
+despair! Such things as these, when they obtrude upon the mind, the
+soul, are not likely to make merry meetings. And such was the position
+and nature of the re-union upon the late Thanksgiving days, at the
+Newschool mansion. But better feelings were at work, and a happy change
+was at hand.
+
+Several carriages had already drove up to the door of Mr. Newschool,
+Sen., and let down the different branches of the Newschool family. A
+brighter appearance seemed gathering over the household than was usual
+of late on Thanksgiving day, in the old family mansion. As each party
+came, the good old mother duly informed them of the invitation given,
+and the hope indulged in, that Cecelia and her husband would join the
+family circle that day, in their re-union.
+
+The proud sisters seemed willing, at last, to cast away their pride, and
+greet their sister as became Christian and sensible women. The brothers,
+chagrined at the unmanliness of their conduct, now gladly joined their
+approval of what betokened, in fact, a happy family meeting. As the
+clock on old South Church tower pealed out eleven, a pretty, smiling
+young mother, in plain, but unexceptionable, neat attire, ascended the
+large stone steps of the Newschool mansion, with a light and graceful
+step, bearing a sleeping child in her arms.
+
+Another moment, and Cecelia Fairway was in the arms of her old mother;
+the smiles, kisses and tears of the whole family party were bountifully
+showered upon poor Cecelia, and her sweet little daughter. Imagination
+may always better paint such a scene, than could the feeble pen describe
+it. The deep and gushing eloquence of human nature, when thus long pent,
+bursts forth, sweeping the meagre devises of the pen before it, like
+snow-flakes before the mighty mountain avalanche.
+
+Oh! it was a happy sight, to see that party at their Thanksgiving
+dinner.
+
+Old Mr. Newschool, in his long and fervent prayer to the throne of
+grace, expressed the day the happiest one of his long life. Quickly flew
+the hours by, and as the shades of evening gathered around, Francis
+Fairway was announced with a carriage for his wife's return home.
+Francis Fairway, the artizan, was a proud, high-minded man, conscious of
+his own position and merits, and scorned any base means to conciliate
+the favor and patronage of his superiors in rank, birth, or education.
+His deportment to the Newschool family was frank and manly; and they met
+it with a sense of just appreciation and dignity, that did them honor.
+Francis met a generous welcome, and the evening of Thanksgiving day was
+spent in a happy re-union indeed. Upon Cecelia's and her husband's
+return home, she found a small note thrust in the bosom of her child,
+bearing this inscription--
+
+    "Grandfather's Re-union gift to little Cecelia; Boston, Nov., 184-."
+
+The note contained five $1000 bills on the old Granite Bank of Boston,
+and which were duly placed in the old Bank fire-proof, to the account of
+the little heir, the enterprise of the artizan having placed him above
+the necessity of otherwise disposing of Joel Newschool's gift to the
+grandchild.
+
+
+
+
+Cabbage vs. Men.
+
+
+Theodore Parker says, the cultivation of man is as noble and
+praiseworthy a science, as the cultivation of cabbage, or the garden
+sass! Says brother Theodore, "You don't cast garden-seed in the mire,
+over the rough broken ground, and exhibit your benefits. No, you dig,
+level, rake, and then sow your seed, you give them sunshine and water,
+you tear out the weeds that would choke your infant vegetables--why
+would you do less for the material man?" Pre-cisely! we pause for an
+answer, proposals received from the learned--until we go to press.
+
+
+
+
+Wanted--A Young Man from the Country.
+
+
+All of our mercantile cities are overrun with young men who have been
+bred for the counter or desk, and thousands of these genteel young gents
+find it any thing but an easy matter to find bread or situations half
+their time, in these crowded marts of men and merchandise. An
+advertisement in a New York or New Orleans paper, for a clerk or
+salesman, rarely fails to "turn up" a hundred needy and greedy
+applicants, in the course of a morning! In New York, where a vast number
+of these misguided young men are "manufactured," and continue to be
+manufactured by the regiment, for an already surfeited market, there are
+wretches who practise upon these innocent victims of perverted
+usefulness, a species of fraud but slightly understood.
+
+By a confederacy with some experienced dry goods dealer, the proprietor
+of one of those agencies for procuring situations for young men,
+_victims_ of misplaced confidence are put through at five to ten dollars
+each, somewhat after this fashion: Sharp, the keeper of the Agency,
+advertises for two good clerks, one book-keeper, five salesmen, ten
+waiters, &c., &c.; and, of course, as every steamboat, car and stage,
+running into New York, brings in a fresh importation of young men from
+the country, all fitted out in the knowledge box for salesmen,
+book-keepers and clerk-ships,--every morning, a new set are offered to
+be taken in and done for. Sharp demands a fee of five or ten dollars for
+obtaining a situation; victim forks over the amount, and is sent to
+Sharp number two, who keeps the dry goods shop; he has got through with
+a victim of yesterday, and is now ready for the fresh victim of to-day;
+for he makes it a point to put them through such a gamut of labor,
+vexatious man[oe]uvres and insolence, that not one out of fifty come
+back next day, and if they do--_he don't want them!_ If the unsuspecting
+victim returns to the "Agency," he is lectured roundly for his
+incapacity or want of _energy!_--and advised to return to the country
+and recuperate.
+
+Jeremiah Bumps having graduated with all the honors of Sniffensville
+Academy, and having many unmistakable longings for becoming a Merchant
+Prince, and seeing sights in a city; and having read an account of the
+great fortunes piled up in course of a few years, by poor, friendless
+country boys, like Abbot Lawrence, John Jacob Astor, he up and came
+right straight to Boston, having read it in the papers that clerks,
+salesmen, book-keepers, and so on, were wanted, dreadfully--"young men
+from the country preferred"--so he called on the _suffering_ agent for
+the public, and paying down his _fee_, was sent off to an _Importing
+House_, on ---- street, where a clerk and salesman were wanted. Jeremiah
+found his idea of an _Importing House_ knocked into a disarranged
+chapeau, by finding the one in the "present case," a large and luminous
+_store_, filled up with paper boxes and sham bundles; while gaudily
+festooned, were any quantity of calicoes, cheap shawls, ribbons, tapes,
+and innumerable other tuppenny affairs.
+
+Nebuchadnezzar Cheatum, the proprietor of this importing and jobbing
+house, was a keen, little, slick-as-a-whistle, heavy-bearded, shaved and
+starched genus, of six-and-thirty, more or less; and received Jeremiah
+with a rather patronizing survey _personelle_, and opened the engagement
+with a few remarks.
+
+"From the country, are you?"
+
+"Sniffensville, sir," said Jeremiah; "County of Scrub-oak, State of New
+Hampshire."
+
+"Ah, well, I prefer country-bred young men; they are better trained,"
+said Cheatum, "to industry, perseverance, honest frugality, and the
+duties of a Christian man. I was brought up in the country myself. I've
+made myself; carved out, and built up my own position, sir. Yes, sir,
+give me good, sound, country-bred young men; I've tried them, I know
+what they are," said Cheatum; and he spoke near enough the truth to be
+partly true, for he _had_ "tried them;" he averaged some fifty-two
+clerks and an equal number of _salesmen_--yearly.
+
+Jeremiah Bumps grew red in the face at the complimentary manner in which
+Nebuchadnezzar Cheatum was pleased to review the country and its
+institutions.
+
+"What salary did you think of allowing?" says Jeremiah.
+
+"Well," said Cheatum, "I allow my salesmen three dollars a week the
+first year, (Jeremiah's ears cocked up,) and three per cent. on the
+sales they make the second year."
+
+By cyphering it up "in his head," Jeremiah came to the conclusion that
+the _first_ year wouldn't add much to his pecuniary elevation, whatever
+the second did with its three per cents. But he was bound to try it on,
+anyhow.
+
+"Now," said Cheatum, "in the first place, Solomon----"
+
+"Jeremiah, if you please, sir," said the young man.
+
+"Ah, yes, Thomas--_pshaw!_--Jediah, I would say," continued Cheatum,
+correcting himself--
+
+"Jeremiah--Jeremiah Bumps, sir," sharply echoed Mr. Bumps.
+
+"Oh, yes, yes; one has so many clerks and salesmen in course of
+business," said Cheatum, "that I get their names confused. Well,
+Jeremiah, in the first place, you must learn to please the customers;
+you must always be lively and spry, and never give an offensive answer.
+Many women and girls come in to price and overhaul things, without the
+remotest idea of buying anything, and it's often trying to one's
+patience; but you must wait on them, for there is no possible means of
+telling a woman who _shops_ for pastime, from one who shops in earnest;
+so you must be careful, be polite, be lively and spry, and never let a
+person _go_ without making a purchase, if you can possibly help it. If a
+person asks for an article we have not got, endeavor to make them try
+something else. If a woman asks whether four-penny calico, or six-penny
+delaines will wash, say 'yes, ma'am, _beautifully_; I've tried them, or
+seen them tried;' and if they say, 'are these ten cent flannels real
+_Shaker flannels_? or the ninepence hose _all merino_?' better not
+contradict them; say 'yes, ma'am, I've tried them, seen them tried, know
+they are,' or similar appropriate answers to the various questions that
+may be asked," said Cheatum.
+
+"Yes, sir," Jeremiah responded, "I understand."
+
+"And, William----"
+
+"Jeremiah, sir, if you please."
+
+"Oh, yes; well, Jediah--Jeremiah, I would say--when you make change,
+never take a ten cent piece and two cents for a shilling, but give it as
+often as practicable; look out for the fractions in adding up, and
+beware of crossed six-pences, smooth shillings, and what are called
+Bungtown coppers," said Cheatum, with much emphasis.
+
+"I'm pooty well posted up, sir, in all _that_," said Jeremiah.
+
+"And, Jeems--pshaw!--Jacob--Jeremiah! I would say, in measuring, always
+put your thumb _so_, and when you move the yardstick forward, shove your
+thumb an inch or so _back_; in measuring _close_ you may manage to
+squeeze out five yards from four and three-quarters, you understand? And
+always be watchful that some of those nimble, light-fingered folks don't
+slip a roll of ribbon, or a pair of gloves or hose, or a piece of goods,
+up their sleeves, in their bosoms, pockets, or under their shawls. Be
+careful, Henry--Jeems, I should say," said Cheatum.
+
+Being duly rehearsed, Jeremiah Bumps went to work. The first customer he
+had was a little girl, who bought a yard of ribbon for ninepence, and
+Jeremiah not only stretched seven-eighths of a yard into a full yard,
+but made twelve cents go for a ninepence, which _feat_ brought down the
+vials of wrath of the child's mother, a burly old Scotch woman, who
+"tongue-lashed" poor Jeremiah awfully! His next adventure was the sale
+of a dress pattern of sixpenny de-laine, which he _warranted_ to contain
+all the perfections known to the best article, and in dashing his
+vigorous scissors through the fabric, he caught them in the folds of a
+dozen silk handkerchiefs on the counter, and ripped them all into
+slitters! The young woman who took the dress pattern, upon reaching
+home, found it contained but eight yards, when she paid for nine. She
+came back, and Jeremiah Bumps got another bombasting! He sold fourpenny
+calico, and warranted it to wash; next day it came back, and an old lady
+with it; the colors and starch were all out, by dipping it in water, and
+the woman went on so that Cheatum was glad to refund her money to get
+rid of her. Two dashing young ladies, out "shopping" for their own
+diversions, gave Jeremiah a call; he labored hand and tongue, he hauled
+down and exhibited Cheatum's entire stock; the girls then were leaving,
+saying they would "call again," and Jeremiah very amiably said, "do,
+ladies, do; call again, _like to secure your custom!_" The young ladies
+took this as an insult. Their big brothers waited on Mr. Bumps, and
+nothing short of his humble apologies saved him from enraged cowhides!
+Jeremiah saw a suspicious woman enter the store, and after overhauling a
+box of gloves, he thought he saw her _pocket a pair_. He intercepted the
+lady as she was going out--he grabbed her by the pocket--the lady
+resisted--Jeremiah held on--the lady fainted, and Jeremiah Bumps nearly
+tore her dress off in pulling out the gloves! The lady proved to be the
+wife of a distinguished citizen, and the gloves purchased at another
+store! A lawsuit followed, and Mr. Bumps was fined $100, and sent to the
+House of Correction for sixty days.
+
+How many new clerks Nebuchadnezzar Cheatum has put through since, we
+know not; but Jeremiah Bumps is now engaged in the practical science of
+agriculture, and shudders at the idea of a young man from the country
+being _wanted_ in a dry goods shop, if they have got to see the elephant
+that he _observed--in Boston_.
+
+
+
+
+Presence of Mind.
+
+
+Mr. Davenport--the "Ned Davenport" of the Bowery boys--before sailing
+for Europe and while attached to the Bowery Theatre, was of the lean and
+hungry kind. In fact he was extremely lean--tall as a may-pole, and
+slender enough to crawl through a greased _fleute_,--to use a yankeeism.
+
+Somebody "up" for Shylock one night, at the Bowery, was suddenly
+"indisposed" or, in the strongest probability, quite stupefied from the
+effect of the deadly poisons retailed in the numerous groggeries that
+really swarm near the Gotham play-houses. Well, Mr. Davenport--a
+gentleman who has reached a most honorable position in his profession by
+sobriety and talent--was substituted for the indisposed _Shylock_, and
+the play went on.
+
+In the trial scene, Mr. Davenport really "took down the house" by his
+vehemence, and his ferocious, lean, and hungry aspirations for the pound
+of flesh! One of the b'hoys, so identical with the B'ow'ry pit, got
+quite worked up; he twisted and squirmed, he chewed his cud, he stroked
+his "soap-lock," but, finally, wrought up to great presence of
+mind,--our lean Shylock still calling for his pound of flesh,--roars
+out;--
+
+"S'ay, look a' here,--_why don't you give skinny de meat, don't you see
+he wants it, sa-a-a-y!_"
+
+We very naturally infer that "the piece" _went off with a rush!_
+
+
+
+
+The Skipper's Schooner.
+
+
+No better specimen of the genus, genuine Yankee nation, can be found,
+imagined or described, than the skippers of along shore, from
+Connecticut river to Eastport, Maine. These critters give full scope to
+the Hills and Hacketts of the stage, and the Sam Slicks and
+Falconbridges of the press, to embody and sketch out in the broadest
+possible dialect of Yankee land. One of these "tarnal critters," it is
+my purpose to draw on for my brief sketch, and I wish my readers to do
+me the credit to believe that for little or no portion of my yarn or
+language am I indebted to fertility of imagination, as the incidents are
+real, and quite graphic enough to give piquancy to the subject.
+
+Last spring, just after the breaking up of winter, a down-east smack or
+schooner, freighted with cod-fish and potatoes, I believe, rounded off
+Cape Ann light, and owing to head winds, or some other perversity of a
+nautical nature, could no further go; so the skipper and his crew--one
+man, green as catnip--made for an anchorage, and hove the "hull consarn"
+to. Here they lay, and tossed and chafed, at their moorings, for a day
+or two, without the slightest indication on the part of the weather to
+abate the nuisance. So the commander of the schooner got in his little
+"dug-out," and giving the aforesaid crew special injunctions to keep all
+fast, he pulled off to shore to take a look around.
+
+Now, it so fell out that in the course of a few hours' time after the
+departure of the skipper, a snorting east wind sprang up, and not only
+blew great guns, but chopped up a short, heavy sea, perfectly
+astonishing and alarming to Hezekiah Perkins, in the rolling and
+pitching schooner. It was Hez's first attempt at seafaring; and this
+sort of reeling and waltzing about, as a matter of course, soon
+discomboberated his bean basket, and set his head in a whirl and dancing
+motion--better conceived by those who have seen the sea elephant than
+described. Hez got dea-a-athly sick, so sick he could not budge from the
+stern sheets, where he had taken a squat in the early commencement of
+his difficulties. In the mean time, the skipper came down to the beach
+and hailed the victim:
+
+"Hel-LO! hel-LO!"
+
+Hez feebly elevated his optics, and looking to the windward, where stood
+his noble captain, he made an effort to say over something:
+
+"Wha-a-t ye-e-e want?"
+
+"What do I want? Why, yeou pesky critter, yeou, go for'ard thar and hist
+the jib, take up the anchor, put your helm a-lee, and beat up to town!"
+
+This was all very well, provided the skipper was there to superintend,
+manage and carry out his voluble orders; but as the surf prevented him
+from coming on board, and the lightness of Hez's head militated against
+the almost superhuman possibility of carrying out the skipper's orders,
+things remained _in statu quo_, the skipper ashore, and Hez fervently
+wishing he was too.
+
+"Ain't you a-going to stir round there, and save the vessel?" bawled the
+excited captain.
+
+"How on airth," groaned the horror-stricken mariner, "how on airth am I
+to help it?"
+
+"Wall, by Columbus, she'll go clean ashore, or blow eout to sea afore
+long, sure as death!" responded the skipper; and before he had fairly
+concluded his augury, sure enough, the halser parted, the schooner slew
+round and made a bee-line _for Cowes and a market!_ This rather brought
+Hezekiah to his oats--he riz, tottering and feeble, on his shaky pins,
+and crawled forward to get up the jib.
+
+"O ye-s, now yeou're coming about it, yes, yeou be," bawled the almost
+frantic skipper, as the distance between him and his vessel was
+increasing. "Put her abeout and head her up the ba-a-y!" But it was no
+kind of use in talking, for Hezekiah could not raise the jib; and his
+imperfect nautical knowledge, under such a snarl, completely bewildered
+and disgusted him with the prospect. So saying over the seven
+commandments and other serious lessons of youth, Hezekiah resigned
+himself to the tumultuous elements, and concluded it philosophical and
+scriptural resignation to let Providence and the old schooner fix out
+the programme just as they might. It is commonly reported, that our
+mackerel catchers, when a storm or gale overtakes them on the briny
+deep, lash all fast and go below, turn in and let their smacks rip along
+to the best of their knowledge and ability. They seldom founder or get
+severely scathed; and these facts, or perfect indifference, having
+entered the head of Hezekiah Perkins, he became perfectly unconcerned as
+to future developments. Night coming on, the skipper saw his schooner
+fast departing out to sea, and when she was no longer to be seen, he
+made tracks for Boston, to report the melancholy facts to the owners of
+the vessel and cargo, and see about the insurance.
+
+Next morning, the skipper having discovered that the insurance was safe,
+he found himself in better spirits; so he walked down along the wharves,
+to take a look out upon the bay and shipping--when lo, and behold, he
+sees a vessel so amazingly like his Two Pollies, that he could not
+refrain from exclaiming:
+
+"Hurrah! hurrah! By Christopher Columbus--if thar don't come my old
+beauty and Hez Perkins, too--hurrah!"
+
+The overjoyed skipper went off into a double hornpipe on a single
+string; and as the veritable schooner came booming saucily up the bay
+before a spanking breeze, with her jib spread, the skipper called out in
+a voice of thunder and gladness:
+
+"Hel-lo! Hez Perkins, is that yeou?"
+
+"Hel-lo! Cap'n, I'm coming, by pumpkins! Clear the track for the Two
+Pollies!" And putting her head in among the smacks of Long Wharf, Hez
+let her rip and smash chock up fast and tight. When the captain landed
+on his own deck, he rushed into the arms of his brave mate Hezekiah, and
+they had a regular fraternal hug all round--and Hezekiah Perkins, in
+behalf of his wonderful skill, perseverance and luck, was unanimously
+voted first mate of the Two Pollies on the spot. It appeared that a
+change of wind during the night had driven the wandering vessel back
+into the bay, and Hezekiah, having got over his sick spell by daylight,
+crawled forward, got up the jib, and actually made the wharf, as we have
+described.
+
+
+
+
+Philosophy of the Times.
+
+
+The philosophy of the present age is peculiarly the philosophy of
+outsides. Few dive deeper into the human breast than the bosom of the
+shirt. Who could doubt the heart that beats beneath a cambric front? or
+who imagine that hand accustomed to dirty work which is enveloped in
+white kid? What Prometheus was to the physical, the tailor is to the
+moral man--the one made human beings out of clay, the other cuts
+characters out of broadcloth. Gentility is, with us, a thing of the
+goose and shears.
+
+
+
+
+The Emperor and the Poor Author.
+
+     "The pen is mightier than the sword."
+
+
+Great men are not the less liable or addicted to very small, and very
+mean, and sometimes very _rascally acts_, but they are always fortunate
+in having any amount of panegyric graven on marble slabs, shafts and
+pillars, o'er their dust, and eulogistic and profound histories written
+in memories of the deeds of renown and glory they have executed. An
+American 74-gun ship would hardly float the mountains of _tomes_ written
+upon Bonaparte and his brilliant career, as a soldier and a conqueror;
+but how precious few, insignificant pages do we ever see of the
+misdeeds, tyrannies and acts of petty and contemptuous meanness so great
+a man was guilty of! Why should authors and orators be so reluctant to
+tell the truth of a great man's follies and crimes, seeing with what
+convenience and fluency they will _lie_ for him? We contend, and shall
+contend, that a truly great man cannot be guilty of a small act, and
+that one contemptible or atrocious manifestation in man, is enough to
+sully--tarnish the brightness of a dozen brilliant deeds; but
+apparently, the accepted notion is--_vice versa_.
+
+In 1830, there lived in the city of Philadelphia, a barber, a poor,
+harmless, necessary barber. His antique, or most curious costume,
+attracted much attention about the vicinity in which he lived, and no
+doubt added somewhat to the custom of his shop, itself a _bijou_ as
+curious almost as the proprietor. But as our story has but little to do
+with the queer outside of the _barber_ or his _shop_, and we do not now
+purpose a whole history of the man, we shall at once proceed to the pith
+of our subject--the Emperor and the poor Author, or Napoleon and his
+Spies--and in which our aforesaid Philadelphia barber plays a
+conspicuous part.
+
+Some of the writers, a few of those partially daring enough to give an
+impartial _expose_ of the history of the Bonapartean times, seem to
+think that Napoleon committed a great error in his accession to the
+throne, by doubting the stability of his reign, and having pursued
+exactly measures antipodean to those necessary to seat him firmly in the
+hearts of the people, and cement the foundation of his newly-acquired
+power. But we don't think so; the means by which he obtained the giddy
+height, to a comprehensive mind like his, at once suggested the
+necessity of vigilance, promptness, and unflinching execution of
+whatever act, however tyrannous or heartless it might have been, his
+unsleeping mind suggested--
+
+     "Crowns got with blood, by blood must be maintained."
+
+Jealous and suspicious, he sought to shackle public opinion--the fearful
+hydra to all ambitious aspirants--to know all _secrets_ of the time and
+states, and render one half of the great nations he held in his grasp
+spies upon the other! The most profligate principles of Machiavel sink
+into obscurity when contrasted with the Imperial _Espionage_ of
+Napoleon. When no longer moving squadrons in the tented field--whole
+armies, like so many pieces of chess in the hands of a dexterous
+player--he sat upon his throne, reclined upon his lounge or smoked in
+his bath, organized and moved the most difficult and dangerous forces in
+the world--_an army of Spies!_
+
+All ages, from that of infancy to decrepitude--all conditions of life,
+from peer to parvenu--from plough to the anvil--pulpit to the
+bar--orators and beggars, soldiers and sailors, male and female of every
+grade--men of the most insinuating address, and women of the most
+seductive ages and loveliness, grace and beauty were enlisted and
+trained to serve--in what the pot-bellied, bald-headed little monster of
+war used to call his _Cytherian Cohort!_ Snares set by these imperial
+policemen were difficult to avoid, from the almost utter impossibility
+of suspicioning their presence or power.
+
+In 1808, a learned Italian, noble by birth, in consequence of the
+movements and _executions_ of Napoleon, found it prudent to shave off
+his moustache and titles, and change the scene of his future life, as
+well as change his name. A master of languages and a man of mind, he
+sought the learned precincts of Leipsic, Germany, where he preserved his
+incognito, though he was not long in winning the grace, and other
+considerations due enlarged intellect, from those not lacking that
+invaluable commodity themselves. Herr Beethoven--the new title of our
+Italian "mi lord"--conceived the project of convincing the mighty
+Emperor--the hero of the sword--that so little a javelin as the pen
+could puncture the _sac_ containing all _his_ great pretensions, and let
+the vapor out; in short, to show the conqueror, that the pen _was_
+mightier than his magic sword. Beethoven purposed writing a pamphlet
+_memorial_, involving the bombastic pretensions, the gigantic
+extravagance and arrogant ambition of Bonaparte. The man of letters well
+knew the ground upon which he was to tread, the danger of ambushed foes,
+involving such a _brochure_, and the caution necessary with which he was
+to produce his work. But Beethoven felt the necessity of the production;
+he possessed the power to execute a great benefit to his fellow man, and
+he determined to wield it and take the chances. Though scarcely giving
+breath to his project--guarding each page of his writing as vigilantly
+as though they were each blessed with the enchantment of a
+_Koh-i-Noor_--a mysterious agency discovered the fact--Napoleon shook
+in his royal boots, and swore in good round French, when the following
+missive reached his royal eye:--
+
+     _Sire(!)_--A plot is brewing against your peace; the safety of your
+     throne is menaced by a villainous scribe. My informant, who has
+     read the manuscripts, informs me that he has never seen any thing
+     better or more imposing, and ingenious in argument and force, than
+     the fellow's appeal to all the crowned heads and people of Europe.
+     It is calculated to carry an irresistible conviction of the wrongs
+     they suffer from your imperial majesty to every breast. These
+     manuscripts are fraught with more danger to your Imperial Majesty's
+     Empire, than all the hostile bayonets in the world combined against
+     you, Sire.
+
+     Leipsic, 1808. Baron De----.
+
+Here was a hot shot dangling over the magazines of the mighty man, and
+the "little corporal" jumped into his boots, and began to set the wheels
+of his great "expediency" in motion. A message flew here, and another
+there; a dispatch to this one, and a royal order to that one. A dozen
+secretaries, and a score of _amanuensises_ were instantly at work, and
+the alarmed "Emperor of all the French" fairly beat the _reveille_ upon
+his diamond-cased snuff box; while, with the rapidity of the clapper of
+an alarm bell, he issued to each the oral order to which they were to
+lend enchantment by their rapid quills.
+
+Herr Beethoven was surprised in his very closet! Papers were found
+scattered all over his little sanctum--the spies had him and his
+effects, most promptly; but what was the rage and disappointment of the
+emissaries of the wily monarch, to find neither hair nor hide of the
+dreaded _fiat!_ Had it gone forth? Was it secreted? Was it written?
+
+They had the _man_, but his flesh and blood were as valueless as a
+pebble to a diamond, contrasted with the witchery of the _words_ he had
+invested a few sheets of simple paper with! They searched his
+clothes--tore up his bed, broke up his furniture, powdered his few
+pieces of statuary, but all in vain--the sought for, dreaded, and hated
+documents, for which his _Imperial highness_ would have secretly given
+ten--twenty--fifty thousand _louis_--was not to be found! The rage of
+the inquisitors was terrific--showing how well they were chosen or paid,
+to serve in their atrocious capacities. The poor scribe was promised all
+manner of unpleasant _finales_, cursed, menaced, and finally coaxed.
+
+"I have written nothing--published nothing, nor do I intend to write or
+publish anything," was Beethoven's reply.
+
+"Speak fearlessly," said the chief of the inquisitors, "and rely upon a
+generous monarch's benevolence. My commission, sir, is limited to
+ascertain whether poverty has not compelled you to write; if that be the
+case, speak out; place any price upon your work--the price is nothing--I
+will pay you at once and destroy your documents."
+
+"Your offers, sir," responded the poor author, "are most kind and
+liberal, and I regret extremely that it is _not_ in my power to avail
+myself of them. I again declare, sir, that I have never written anything
+against the French government--your information to the contrary is false
+and wicked."
+
+The spies, finding they could not gain any information of the author, by
+threat or bribe, carried him to France, where his doom was supposed to
+be sealed in torture and death, in the _Bastile_ of the Emperor.
+
+But where was this fearful manuscript--this dreaded scribbling of the
+God-forsaken, poor, forlorn author? The emissaries of his serene
+highness had the blood, bones, and body of the wretched scribe, but
+where was that they feared more than all the warlike forces of a million
+of the best equipped forces of Europe--the paltry paper pellets of a
+scholar's brain--the _memorial_ to the crowned heads, and people of the
+several shivering monarchies of continental Europe?
+
+A few brief hours--not two days--before the _pseudo_ Herr Beethoven was
+honored by the special considerations and attentions of the Emperor of
+all the French--the conqueror of a third, at least, of the civilized
+world--he had conceived suspicions of a man to whom in the _most
+profound confidence_ he had revealed a slight whisper of his
+projects--impressed with the foreshadowing that a mysterious _something_
+dangerous was about to menace him, he made way with the manuscripts, to
+which his soul clung as too dear and precious to be destroyed--he gave
+them to the charge of a tried friend--and before the _Cytherian Cohort_
+were upon the threshold of the author, his _memorial_ was snugly
+ensconced in the obscure and remote secretary of a gentleman and a man
+of letters, in the renowned city of Prague. The alarm and friend's
+appearance seemed most opportune--for an hour after the visitation of
+the one, the other was at hand--the documents transferred and on their
+way to their place of refuge.
+
+But difficult was the stepping-stone to Napoleon's greatness--the more
+the mystery of the manuscripts augmented--the more enthusiastic became
+his research--the more formidable appeared the necessity of grasping
+them; and the determination, at all hazards, to clutch them, before they
+served their purpose!
+
+"Bring me the manuscripts"--was the _fiat_ of the Emperor: "I care not
+_how_ you obtain them--get them, _bring them here_; and mark you, let
+neither money, danger nor fatigue, oppose my will. Hence--bring the
+manuscripts!"
+
+Again Leipsic was invested by the _Cytherian Cohort_ of the modern
+Alexander; the rival of Hannibal, the great little commandant of the
+most warlike nation of the earth. The Baron ----, who was master of
+ceremonies in this great enterprise, now arrested the secret agent who
+had given the information of the existence of the _memorial_. This
+wretch had received five hundred crowns for his espionage and
+treachery. His fee was to be quadrupled if his atrocious information
+proved correct; so dear is the mere foreshadowing of ill news to
+vaunting ambition and quaking imposters. Bengert, the German spy, was
+sure of the genuineness of his information--he was much astonished that
+the Baron had not seized the _memorial_, as well as the body of the
+hapless author. The Baron and the treacherous German conferred at
+length; an idea seemed to strike the spy.
+
+"I have it," he exclaimed, a few days before his arrest. "I saw a friend
+visit Beethoven; I know they both entertained the same sentiments in
+regard to the Emperor--_that man has the manuscripts_."
+
+Where was that man? It was finding the needle in the hay stack--_the_
+pebble in the brook. Again the Emperor urged, and the _Cytherian Cohort_
+plied their cunning and perseverance. That _friend_ of the poor author
+was found--he was tilling his garden, surrounded by his flower pots and
+children, on the outskirts of Prague, Bohemia. It was in vain he
+questioned his captors. He dropped his gardening implements--blessed his
+children--kissed them, and was hurried off, he knew not whither or
+wherefore! Shaubert was this man's name; he was forty, a widower--a
+scholar, a poet--liberally endowed by wealth, and loved the women!
+
+It was Baron ----'s province to find out the weak points of each victim.
+
+"If he has a _particular_ regard for _poetry_, he does love the fine
+arts," quoth the Baron, "and women are the queens of _fine arts_. I'll
+have him!"
+
+In the secret prison of Shaubert he found an old man, confined for--he
+could not learn what. Every day, the yet youthful and most fascinating,
+voluptuous and beautiful daughter of the old man, visited his cell,
+which was adjoining that of Shaubert's. As she did so, it was not long
+before she found occasion to linger at the door of the widower, the
+poet--and sigh so piteously as to draw from the victim, at first a holy
+poem, and at length an amative love lay. Like fire into tow did this
+effusion of the poet's quill inflame the breast and arouse the passions
+of the lovely Bertha; and in an obscure hour, after pouring forth the
+soul's burden of most vehement love, the angel in woman's form(!), with
+implements as perfect as the very jailor's, opened all the bolts and
+bars, and led the captive forth to liberty! She would have the poet who
+had entranced her, fly and leave her to her fate! But _poetry_ scorned
+such dastardy--it was but to brave the uncertainty of fate to stay, and
+torture to go--Bertha must fly with him. She had a father--could she
+leave him in bondage? No! She had rescued her lover--she braved
+more--released her parent in the next hour, by the same mysterious
+means, and giving herself up to the tempest of love, she shared in the
+flight of the poet. In a remote section of chivalric Bohemia, they found
+an asylum. But Bertha was as yet but the deliverer from bondage, if not
+death, of her soul's idol; he, with all the warmth and gratitude of a
+dozen poets, worshipped at her feet and besought her to bless him
+evermore by sharing his fate and fortune. There was a something
+imposing, a something that brought the pearly tear to the heroic girl's
+eye and made that lovely bosom undulate with most sad emotion. The poet
+pressed her to his heart--fell at her feet, and begged that if his
+life--property--children--be the sacrifice--but let him know the secret
+at once--he was her friend--defender--lover--slave. Another sigh, and
+the spell was broken.
+
+"Why--ah! why were you a state prisoner--a _secret_ prisoner in
+the ----?"
+
+"Loved angel," answered the poet, "I scarce can tell; indeed I have not
+the merest _hint_, in my own mind, to tell me for what I was arrested
+and thrown into prison!"
+
+"Ah! sir," sighed the lovely Bertha, "I can never then wed the man I
+love--I cannot brave the dangers of an unknown fate--at some moment
+least expected, to be torn from his arms--lost to him forever!"
+
+"We can fly, dearest," suggested the poet, "we can fly to other and more
+secure lands. In the sunshine of your sweet smile, my dear Bertha,
+obscurity--poverty would be nothing."
+
+"No," said the girl, "I cannot leave my father--the land of my
+birth--home of my childhood. I that have given you liberty, may point
+out a way to deliver you from further restraint. How I learned the
+nature of your crime, ask not; I know your secret."
+
+"Ah! what mean you?"
+
+"In a foolish hour," continued the lovely Bertha, with downcast eyes and
+heaving bosom, "you impaled your generous self to save a friend--the
+friend fled--you were arrested--"
+
+"Good God!" exclaimed the poet, "Herr Beethoven----"
+
+"Gave you possession of----" she continued.
+
+"No! no! no!" interposed the affrighted poet, daring not to breathe
+"yes," even to the ear of his fair preserver.
+
+"Sir," calmly continued the girl, "I have risked my own life and liberty
+to preserve yours, I have----"
+
+"I--I know it all, dear--dearest angel, but----"
+
+"Those manuscripts," she continued, fixing her keen but melting gaze
+upon the poor victim.
+
+"Ha! manuscripts? How learned you this? No, no, it cannot be----"
+
+"It is known--I know it--I learned it from your captors; but for my
+_love_," said the girl, "mad--guilty love--your life would have been
+forfeited--your house pillaged by the emissaries of the Emperor, in
+quest of those manuscripts. While they exist, Bertha cannot be
+happy--Bertha's love must die with her--Bertha be ever miserable!"
+
+"I-a--I will--but no! no! I have no manuscripts! It is false--false!"
+exclaimed the almost distracted poet.
+
+"Herr Shaubert," said the girl, clasping the hand of the poet, and
+throwing herself at his feet, "am I unworthy your love?"
+
+"Dear, dear Bertha, do not torture me! do not, for God's sake! Rise; let
+me at your feet swear, in answer--_No!_"
+
+"Then, within four-and-twenty hours, let me grasp that hated, damned
+viper, that would gnaw the heart's core of Bertha. Give me the key of
+your misery; O! bless me--bless your Bertha; give me those accursed
+manuscripts, daggers bequeathed you by a false friend, that I may at
+once, in your presence, give them to the flames; and Bertha, the idol of
+your soul, be ever more blessed and happy!"
+
+This appeal settled the business of the poet; he walked the room,
+sighed, tore his _mouchoir_, oscillated between honor and
+temptation--the angel form and syren tongue of the woman triumphed. In
+course of a dozen hours, Bertha, the lovely, enchanting _spy_, opened
+the secret drawers of the poet's secretary, and amid carefully-packed
+literary rubbish, the dreaded _memorial_ was found--clutched with the
+eagerness of a death-reprieve to a poor felon upon the verge of
+eternity, and with the despatch of an hundred swift relays, the poor
+author's manuscripts were placed in the hands of the mighty Emperor, and
+while he read their fearful purport, and flashed with rage or grew livid
+with each scathing word of the _memorial_, he hurriedly issued his
+orders--gain to this one, sacrifice to that one; while he made the spy a
+_countess_, he ordered hideous death to the poor poet and despair and
+misery to his children.
+
+"Fly!" the monarch shouted, "search every one suspected of a hand in
+this; let them be dealt with instantly--trouble me not with detail, but
+give me sure returns. Stop not, until this viper is exterminated; egg
+and tooth; fang and scale; see it done and claim my bounty--_fly!_"
+
+That _snake_ was scotched and killed--the few brief pages of an obscure
+author that drove sleep, appetite and peace from the mighty Emperor, for
+days and nights--made busy work for his thousands of
+emissaries--scattered his gold in weighty streams--was read, cursed and
+destroyed, and all suspected as having the slightest voice or opinion in
+the secret _memorial_, met a secret fate--death or prolonged
+wretchedness.
+
+Herr Beethoven, the poor author, alone escaped; being overlooked in the
+hot pursuit of his production, and by the blunder of those having charge
+of himself and hundreds of other state prisoners--guilty or _suspected_
+opponents to the vaulting ambition and power of him that at last ended
+his own eventful career as a helpless prisoner upon an ocean isle--was
+liberated and lost no time in making his way beyond the reach of
+monarchs, tyranny and bondage. Beethoven came to America and settled in
+Philadelphia, where, in the humble capacity of an e-razer of beards and
+pruner of human mops, he eked out a reasonable existence for the residue
+of his earthly existence; few, perhaps, dreaming in their profoundest
+philosophy, that the little, eccentric-attired, grotesque-looking
+barber, who tweaked their plebeian noses and combed their caputs, once
+rejoiced in grand heraldic escutcheons upon his carriage panels as a
+veritable Count, and still later made the throne tremble beneath the
+feet of a second Alexander!
+
+But God is great, and the ways of our every-day life, full of change and
+mystery.
+
+
+
+
+The Bigger Fool, the Better Luck.
+
+
+The American "Ole Bull," young Howard, one of the most scientific
+crucifiers of the _violin_ we ever heard, gave us a call t'other day,
+and not only discoursed heavenly music upon his instrument, but gave us
+the "nub" of a few jokes worth dishing up in our peculiar style. Howard
+spent last winter in a tour over the State of _Maine_ and Canada. During
+this _cool_ excursion, he got way up among the _wood_-choppers and
+_log_-men of the Aroostook and Penobscot country. These wood-chopping
+and log-rolling gentry, according to all accounts, must be a jolly,
+free-and-easy, hard-toiling and hardy race. The "folks" up about there
+live in very primitive style; their camps and houses are very useful,
+but not much addicted to the "ornamental." Howard had a very long,
+tedious and perilous _tramp_, on foot, during a part of his
+peregrinations, and coming at last upon the settlement of the log-men,
+he laid up several days, to recuperate. In the largest log building of
+the several in the neighborhood, Howard lodged; the weather was
+intensely cold--house crowded, and wood and game plenty. After a hard
+day's toil, in snow and water, these log-men felt very much inclined, to
+sleep. A huge fire was usually left upon the hearth, after the "tea
+things" were put away, Howard gave them a _choon_ or two, and then the
+woodmen lumbered up a rude set of steps--into a capacious loft overhead,
+and there, amid the old quilts, robes, skins and straw, enjoyed their
+sound and refreshing sleep--with a slight drawback.
+
+Among these men of the woods, was a hard old nut, called and known among
+them as--_Old Tantabolus!_ He was a wiry and hardy old rooster; though
+his frosty poll spoke of the many, many years he had "been around," his
+body was yet firm and his perceptions yet clear. The old man was a grand
+spinner of yarns; he had been all around creation, and various other
+places not set down in the maps. He had been a soldier and sailor: been
+blown up and shot down: had had all the various ills flesh was heir to:
+suffered from shipwreck and indigestion: witnessed the frowns and smiles
+of fortune--especially the _frowns_; in short, according to old man
+Tantabolus's own account of himself, he had seen more ups and downs, and
+made more narrow and wonderful escapes, than Robinson Crusoe and
+Gulliver both together--with Baron Trenck into the bargain!
+
+For the first season, the old man and his narrations, being fresh and
+novel, he was quite a _lion_ among the woodmen, but now that the novelty
+had worn off, and they'd got used to his long yarns, they voted him "an
+old bore!" The old fellow smoked a tremendous pipe, with tobacco strong
+enough to give a Spaniard the "yaller fever." He would eat his supper,
+light his pipe--sit down by the fire, and spin yarns, as long as a
+listener remained, and longer. In short, Old Tantabolus would _spin_
+them all to bed, and then make their heads spin, with the clouds of
+_baccy_ smoke with which he'd fill the _ranche_.
+
+Going to bed, at length, on a bunk in a corner, the old chap would
+wheeze and snore for an hour or two, and then turning out again, between
+daybreak and midnight, Old Tantabolus would pile on a cord or two of
+fresh wood--raise a roaring fire--make the _ranche_ hot enough to roast
+an ox, then treat all hands to another _stifling_ with his old
+_calumet_, and nigger-head tobacco! Then would commence a--
+
+"A-booh! oo-_oo!_" by one of the lodgers, overhead.
+
+"Boo-oo-_ooh!_ Old Tantabolus's got that--booh-oo-oo-_oo_,--pipe of
+his'n again,--boo-oo-oo!" chimed another.
+
+"A-a-a-_chee!_ oo-oo-augh-h-h-_ch-chee!_ Cuss that--a-_chee_--pipe.
+Tantabolus, you old hoss-marine, put out that--a-_chee!_--darn'd old
+pipe!" bawled another.
+
+"A'_nand_?" was the old fellow's usual reply.
+
+"A-boo-ooh-_ooh!_" hoarse and loud as a boatswain's call, in a gale of
+wind, would be issued from the throat of an old "logger," as the
+fumigacious odor interfered with his respiratory arrangements, and then
+would follow a miscellaneous--
+
+"A-_chee_-o! Ah-_chee!_ boo-ooh-oo-_ooh!_" tapering off with divers
+curses and threats, upon Old Tantabolus and his villanous habits of
+arousing "the whole community" in "the dead watches and middle of the
+night," with heat and smoke, no flesh and blood but his own could
+apparently endure.
+
+At length, a private _caucus_ was held, and a diabolical plan set, to
+put a summary end to the grievous nuisances engendered by Old
+Tantabolus--"_let's blow him up!_"
+
+And this they agreed to do in _this_ wise. Before "retiring to rest," as
+we say in civilized _parlance_, the lodging community were in the habit
+of laying in a surplus of firewood, alongside of the capacious
+fire-place, in order--should a very common occurrence _occur_,--i. e., a
+fall of snow six to ten feet deep, and kiver things all up, the insiders
+might have wherewith to make themselves comfortable, until they could
+work out and provide more. But Old Tantabolus was in the wasteful
+practice of turning out and burning up all this extra fuel; so the
+caucus agreed to bore an inch and a quarter hole into a solid
+stick--pack it with powder--lay it among the wood, and when Old
+Tantabolus _riz_ to fire up, he'd be blowed out of the building, and
+disappear--_in a blue blaze!_ Well, poor old man, Tantabolus, quite
+unconscious of the dire explosion awaiting him, told his yarns, next
+evening, with greater _gusto_ than usual, and one after another of his
+listeners finally dropped off to _roost_, in the loft above, leaving
+the old man to go it alone--finish his pipe, stagnate the air and go to
+his bunk, which, as was his wont to do--he did. Stillness reigned
+supreme; though Old Tantabolus took his usual snooze in very apparent
+confidence, many of his no less weary companions above--watched for the
+approaching _tableaux!_ And they were gratified, to their heart's
+content, for the tableaux _came!_
+
+"Now, look out, boys!" says one, "Old _Tanty's_ about to wake up!" and
+then some dozen of the upper story lodgers, who had kept their peepers
+open to enjoy the fun, began to spread around and pull away the loose
+straw in order to get a view of the scene below. Sure enough, the old
+rooster gave a long yawn--"Aw-w-w-w-_um!_" flirted off his "kiverlids"
+and got up, making a slow move towards the fire-place, reaching which,
+he gave an extra "Aw-w-w-_um!_" knocked the ashes out of his
+pipe--filled it up with "nigger-head," dipped it in the embers, gave it
+a few whiffs, and then said:
+
+"Booh! cold mornin'; boys'll freeze, if I don't start up a good fire."
+Then he went to work to cultivate a blaze, with a few chips and light
+sticks of dry wood.
+
+"Ah, by George, old feller," says one, "you'll catch a bite, before you
+know it!"
+
+"Yes, I'm blamed if you ain't a _goner_, Old Tantabolus!" says another,
+in a pig's whisper.
+
+"There! there he's got the fire up--now look out!"
+
+"He's got the stick--"
+
+"Goin' to clap it on!"
+
+"Now it's on!"
+
+"Look out for fun, by George, look out!"
+
+"He'll blow the house up!"
+
+"Godfrey! s'pose he does?"
+
+"What an infernal _wind_ there is this morning!" says the old fellow,
+hearing the _buzz_ and indistinct whispering overhead; "guess it's
+snowin' like _sin_; I'll jist start up this fire and go out and see."
+But, he had scarcely reached and opened the door, when--"_bang-g-g!_"
+went the log, with the roar of a twelve pounder; hurling the fire, not
+only all over the lower floor, but through the upper loose
+flooring--setting the straw beds in a blaze--filling the house with
+smoke, ashes and fire! There was a general and indiscriminate _rush_ of
+the practical jokers in the loft, to make an escape from the now burning
+building; but the step-ladder was knocked down, and it was at the peril
+of their lives, that all hands jumped and crawled out of the _ranche!_
+The only one who escaped the real danger was Old Tantabolus, the
+intended victim, whose remark was, after the flurry was over--"Boys,
+arter this, _be careful how you lay your powder round!_"
+
+
+
+
+An Active Settlement.
+
+
+Gen. Houston lives, when at home, at Huntsville, Texas; the inhabitants
+mostly live, says Humboldt, Beeswax, Borax, or some of the other
+historians, by hunting. The wolves act as watchmen at night, relieved
+now and then by the Ingins, who make the wig business brisk by relieving
+straggling citizens of their top-knots. A man engaged in a quiet smoke,
+sees a deer or bear sneaking around, and by taking down his rifle, has
+steaks for breakfast, and a haunch for next day's dinner, right at his
+door. Vegetables and fruit grow naturally; flowers come up and bloom
+spontaneously. The distinguished citizens wear buck-skin trowsers,
+coon-skin hats, buffalo-skin overcoats, and alligator-hide boots. Old
+San Jacinto walked into the Senate last winter--fresh from home--with a
+panther-skin vest, and bear-skin breeches on! Great country, that
+Texas.
+
+
+
+
+A Yankee in a Pork-house
+
+
+"Conscience sakes! but hain't they got a lot of pork here?" said a
+looker-on in Quincy Market, t'other day.
+
+"Pork!" echoes a decidedly _Green_ Mountain biped, at the elbow of the
+first speaker.
+
+"Yes, I vow it's quite as-_tonishing_ how much pork is sold here and
+_et_ up by somebody," continued the old gent.
+
+"Et up?" says the other, whose physical structure somewhat resembled a
+fat lath, and whose general _contour_ made it self-evident that _he_ was
+not given much to frivolity, jauntily-fitting coats and breeches, or
+perfumed and "fixed up" barberality extravagance.
+
+"Et up!" he thoughtfully and earnestly repeated, as his hands rested in
+the cavity of his trousers pockets, and his eyes rested upon the first
+speaker.
+
+"You wern't never in Cincinnatty, _I_ guess?"
+
+"No, I never was," says the old gent.
+
+"Never was? Well, I cal'lated not. Never been _in_ a Pork-haouse?"
+
+"Never, unless you may call this a Pork-house?"
+
+"The-is? Pork-haouse?" says Yankee. "Well, I reckon not--don't
+begin--'tain't nothin' like--not a speck in a puddle to a Pork-haouse--a
+Cincinnatty Pork-haouse!"
+
+"I've hearn that they carry on the Pork business pooty stiff, out
+there," says the old gentleman.
+
+"Pooty stiff? Good gravy, but don't they? 'Pears to me, I knew yeou
+somewhere?" says our Yankee.
+
+"You might," cautiously answers the old gent.
+
+"'Tain't 'Squire Smith, of Maoun-Peelier?"
+
+"N'no, my name's Johnson, sir."
+
+"Johnson? Oh, in the tin business?"
+
+"Oh, no, I'm not _in_ business, at all, sir," was the reply.
+
+"Not? Oh,"--thoughtfully echoes Yankee. "Wall, no matter, I thought
+p'raps yeou were from up aour way--I'm from near Maoun-Peelier--State of
+Varmount."
+
+"Ah, indeed?"
+
+"Ya-a-s."
+
+"Fine country, I'm told?" says the old gent.
+
+"Ye-a-a-s, 'tis;"--was the abstracted response of Yankee, who seemed to
+be revolving something in his own mind.
+
+"Raise a great deal of wool--fine sheep country?"
+
+"'Tis great on sheep. But sheep ain't nothin' to the everlasting hog
+craop!"
+
+"Think not, eh?" said the old gent.
+
+"I swow _teu_ pucker, if I hain't seen more hogs killed, afore
+breakfast, in Cincinnatty, than would burst this buildin' clean open!"
+
+"You don't tell me so?"
+
+"By gravy, I deu, though. You hain't never been in Cincinnatty?"
+
+"I said not."
+
+"Never in a Pork-haouse?"
+
+"Never."
+
+"Wall, yeou've hearn tell--of Ohio, I reckon?"
+
+"Oh, yes! got a daughter living out there," was the answer.
+
+"Yeou don't say so?"
+
+"I have, in Urbana, or near it," said the old gent.
+
+"Urbanny! Great kingdom! why I know teu men living aout there; one's
+trading, t'other's keepin' school; may be yeou know 'em--Sampson
+Wheeler's one, Jethro Jones's t'other. Jethro's a cousin of mine; his
+fa'ther, no, his _mother_ married--'tain't no matter; my name's
+Small,--Appogee Small, and I was talkin'----"
+
+"About the hog crop, Cincinnatty Pork-houses."
+
+"Ye-a-a-s; wall, I went eout West last fall, stopped at Cincinnatty--teu
+weeks. Dreadful nice place; by gravy, they do deu business there; beats
+Salvation haow they go it on steamboats--bust ten a day and build six!"
+
+"Is it possible?" says the old gent; "but the hogs----"
+
+"Deu beat all. I went up to the Pork-haouses;--fus thing you meet is a
+string--'bout a mile long, of big and little critters, greasy and sassy
+as sin; buckets and bags full of scraps, tails, ears, snaouts and ribs
+of hogs. Foller up this line and yeou come to the Pork-haouses, and yeou
+go in, if they let yeou, and they did me, so in I went, teu an almighty
+large haouse--big as all aout doors, and a feller steps up to me and
+says he:--
+
+"'Yeou're a stranger, I s'pose?'
+
+"'Yeou deu?' says I.
+
+"'Ye-a-a-s,' says he, 'I s'pose so,' and I up and said I was.
+
+"'Wall,' says he, 'ef you want to go over the haouse, we'll send a
+feller with you!'
+
+"So I went with the feller, and he took me way back, daown stairs--aout
+in a lot; a-a-a-nd everlastin' sin! yeou should jist seen the
+hogs--couldn't caount 'em in three weeks!"
+
+"Good gracious!" exclaims the old gent.
+
+"Fact, by gravy! Sech squealin', kickin' and goin' on; sech cussin' and
+hollerin', by the fellers pokin' 'em in at one eend of the lot and
+punchin' on 'em aout at t'other! Sech a smell of hogs and fat,
+_brissels_ and hot water, I swan _teu_ pucker, I never did cal'late on,
+afore!
+
+"Wall, as fast as they driv' 'em in by droves, the fellers kept a
+craowdin' 'em daown towards the Pork-haouse; there two fellers kept a
+shootin' on 'em daown, and a hull gang of the all-firedest dirty,
+greasy-looking fellers _aout_--stuck 'em, hauled 'em daown, and afore
+yeou could say Sam Patch! them hogs were yanked aout of the
+lot--killed--scalded and scraped."
+
+"Mighty quick work, I guess," says the old gent.
+
+"Quick work? Yeou ought to see 'em. Haow many hogs deu yeou cal'late
+them fellers killed and scraped a day?"
+
+"Couldn't possibly say--hundreds, I expect."
+
+"Hundreds! Grea-a-at King! Why, I see 'em kill thirteen hundred in teu
+hours;--did, by golly!"
+
+"Yeou don't say so?"
+
+"Yes, _sir_. And a feller with grease enough abaout him to make a barrel
+of saft soap, said that when they hurried 'em up some they killed,
+scalded and scraped ten thousand hogs in a day; and when they put on the
+steam, twenty thousand porkers were killed off and cut up in a single
+day!"
+
+"I want to know!"
+
+"Yes, sir. Wall, we went into the haouse, where they scalded the
+critters fast as they brought 'em in. By gravy, it was amazin' how the
+_brissels_ flew! Afore a hog knew what it was all abaout, he was bare as
+a punkin--a hook and tackle in his _snaout_, and up they snaked him on
+to the next floor. I vow they kept a slidin' and snakin' 'em in and up
+through the scuttles--jest in one stream!
+
+"'Let's go up and see 'em cut the hogs,' says the feller.
+
+"Up we goes. Abaout a hundred greasy fellers were a hacken on 'em up. By
+golly, it was deth to particular people the way the fat and grease
+_flew!_ Two _whacks_--fore and aft, as Uncle Jeems used to say--split
+the hog; one whack, by a greasy feller with an everlasting chunk of
+sharpened iron, and the hog was quartered--grabbed and carried off to
+another block, and then a set of savagerous-lookin' chaps layed to and
+cut and skirted around;--hams and shoulders were going one way, sides
+and middlins another way; wall, I'm screwed if the hull room didn't
+'pear to be full of flying pork--in hams, sides, scraps and greasy
+fellers--rippin' and a tearin'! Daown in another place they were saltin'
+and packin' away, like sin! Daown in the other place they were frying
+aout the lard--fillin' barrels, from a regular river of fat, coming aout
+of the everlastin' biggest bilers yeou ever did see, I vow! Now, I asked
+the feller if sich hurryin' a hog through a course of spraouts helped
+the pork any, and he said it didn't make any difference, he s'pected. He
+said they were not hurryin' then, but if I would come in, some day, when
+'steam was up,' he'd show me quick work in the pork business--knock
+daown, drag aout, scrape, cut up, and have the hog in the barrel _before
+he got through squealin'!_
+
+"Hello! Say!--'Squire, gone?"
+
+The old gent was--_gone_; the _last brick_ hit him!
+
+
+
+
+German Caution
+
+
+Some ten years since, an old Dutchman purchased in the vicinity of
+Brooklyn, a snug little farm for nine thousand dollars. Last week, a lot
+of land speculators called on him to "buy him out." On asking his price,
+he said he would take "sixty tousand dollars--no less."
+
+"And how much may remain on bond and mortgage?"
+
+"Nine tousand dollars."
+
+"And why not more," replied the would-be purchasers.
+
+"Because der tam place ain't worth any more."
+
+Ain't that Dutch.
+
+
+
+
+Ben. McConachy's Great Dog Sell.
+
+
+A great many dogmas have been written, and may continue to be written,
+on dogs. Confessing, once, to a dogmatical regard for dogs, we "went in"
+for the canine race, with a zeal we have bravely outgrown; and we live
+to wonder how men--to say nothing of spinsters of an uncertain age--can
+heap money and affections upon these four-legged brutes, whose sole
+utility is to doze in the corner or kennel, terrify stray children,
+annoy horsemen, and keep wholesome meat from the stomachs of many a
+poor, starving beggar at your back gate. There is no use for dogs in the
+city, and precious little _use_ for them any where else; and as _Boz_
+says of oysters--you always find a preponderance of dogs where you find
+the most poor people. Philadelphia's the place for dogs; in the suburbs,
+especially after night, if you escape from the onslaught of the rowdies,
+you will find the dogs a still greater and more atrocious nuisance. No
+rowdy, or gentleman at large, in the _Quaker City_, feels _finished_,
+without a lean, lank, hollow dog trotting along at their heels; while
+the butchers and horse-dealers revel in a profusion of mastiffs and
+dastardly curs, perfectly astounding--to us. This brings us to a short
+and rather pithy story of a dog _sell_.
+
+Some years ago, a knot of men about town, gentlemen highly "posted up"
+on dogs, and who could talk _hoss_ and dog equal to a Lord Bentick, or
+Hiram Woodruff, or "Acorn," or Col. Bill Porter, of the "Spirit," were
+congregated in a famous resort, a place known as _Hollahan's_. A
+dog-fight that afternoon, under the "Linden trees," in front of the
+"State House," gave rise to a spirited debate upon the result of the
+battle, and the respective merits of the two dogs. Words waxed warm, and
+the disputants grew boisterously eloquent upon dogs of high and low
+degree,--dogs they had read of, and dogs they had seen; and, in fact, we
+much doubt, if ever before or since--this side of "Seven Dials" or St.
+Giles', there was a more thorough and animated discussion, on dogs,
+witnessed.
+
+An old and rusty codger, one whose outward bruises might have led a
+disciple of _Paley_ to imagine they had caused a secret enjoyment
+within, sat back in the nearest corner, towards the stove, a most
+attentive auditor to the thrilling debate. Between his outspread feet, a
+dog was coiled up, the only indifferent individual present, apparently
+unconcerned upon the subject.
+
+"Look here," says the old codger, tossing one leg over t'other, and
+taking an easy and convenient attitude of observation; "look here, boys,
+you're talkin' about _dogs!_"
+
+"Dogs?" says one of the most prominent speakers.
+
+"Dogs," echoes the old one.
+
+"Why, yes, daddy, we are talking about dogs."
+
+"What do you know about _dogs?_" says a full-blown _Jakey_, looking
+sharply at the old fellow.
+
+"Know about _dogs?_"
+
+"A' yes-s," says _Jakey_. "I bet dis five dollars, ole feller, you don't
+know a Spaniel from a butcher's _cur!_"
+
+"Well," responds the old one, transposing his legs, "may be I _don't_,
+but it's _my_ 'pinion you'd make a sorry _fiste_ at best, if you had
+tail and ears a little longer!"
+
+This _sally_ amused all but the young gentleman who "run wid de
+machine," and attracted general attention towards the old man, in whose
+eyes and wrinkles lurked a goodly share of mother wit and shrewdness.
+_Jakey_ backing down, another of the by-standers put in.
+
+"Poppy, I expect you know what a good dog is?"
+
+"I reckon, boys, I orter. But I'm plaguy dry listening to your dog
+talk--confounded dry!"
+
+"What'll you drink, daddy?" said half a dozen of the dog fanciers,
+thinking to wet the old man's whistle to get some fun out of him.
+"What'll you drink?--come up, daddy."
+
+"Sperrets, boys, good old sperrets," and the old codger drank; then
+giving his lips a wipe with the back of his hand, and drawing out a
+long, deep "ah-h-h-h!" he again took his seat, observing, as he
+partially aroused his ugly and cross-grained mongrel--
+
+"Here's a _dog_, boys."
+
+"That your dog, dad?" asked several.
+
+"That's my dog, boys. He _is_ a dog."
+
+"Ain't he, tho'?" jocularly responded the dog men.
+
+"What breed, daddy, do you call that dog of yours?" asked one.
+
+"Breed? He ain't any breed, _he_ ain't. Stand up, Barney, (jerking up
+the sneaking-looking thing.) He's no breed, boys; look at him--see his
+tushes; growl, Barney, growl!--Ain't them tushes, boys? He's no breed,
+boys; _he's original stock!_"
+
+"Well, so I was going to say," says one.
+
+"That dog," says another, "must be valuable."
+
+"Waluable?" re-echoes the old man; "he is all that, boys; I wouldn't
+sell him; but, boys, I'm dry, dry as a powder horn--so much talkin'
+makes one dry."
+
+"Well, come up, poppy; what'll you take?" said the boys.
+
+"Sperrets, boys; good old sperrets. I do like good sperrets, boys, and
+that sperrets, Mister (to the ruffled-bosomed bar-keeper), o' your'n is
+like my dog--_can't be beat!_"
+
+"Well, daddy," continued the dog men, "where'd you get your dog?"
+
+"That dog," said the old fellow, again giving his mouth a back-hander,
+and his "ah-h-h!" accompaniment; "well, I'll tell you, boys, all about
+it."
+
+"Do, poppy, that's right; now, tell us all about it," they cried.
+
+"Well, boys, 'd any you know Ben. McConachy, out here at the Risin' Sun
+Tavern?"
+
+"We've heard of him, daddy--go on," says they.
+
+"Well, I worked for Ben. McConachy, one winter; he was a pizen mean man,
+but his wife--wasn't she mean? Why, boys, she'd spread all the bread
+with butter afore we sat down to breakfast; she'd begin with a quarter
+pound of butter, and when she'd got through, she had twice as much
+left."
+
+"But how about the dog, daddy? Come, tell us about your _dog_."
+
+"Well, yes, I'll tell you, boys. You see, Ben. McConachy owned this dog;
+set up, Barney--look at his ears, boys--great, ain't they? Well, Ben's
+wife was mean--meaner than pizen. She hated this dog; she hated any
+thing that _et_; she considered any body, except her and her daughter (a
+pizen ugly gal), that et three pieces of bread and two cups of coffee at
+a meal, _awful!_"
+
+"Blow the old woman; tell us about the _dog_, poppy," said they.
+
+"Now, I'm coming to the pint--but, Lord! boys, I never was so dry in my
+life. I am dry--plaguy dry," said the old one.
+
+"Well, daddy, step up and take something; come," said the dog men; "now
+let her slide. How about the _dog?_"
+
+"Ah-h-h-h! that's great sperrets, boys. Mister (to the bar-keeper), I
+don't find such sperrets as that _often_. Well, boys, as you're anxious
+to hear about the dog, I'll tell you all about him. You see, the old
+woman and Ben. was allers spatten 'bout one thing or t'other, and
+'specially about this dog. So one day Ben. McConachy hears a feller
+wanted to buy a good dog, down to the _drove yard_, and he takes
+Barney--stand up, Barney--see that, boys; how quick he minds! Great dog,
+he is. Well, Ben. takes Barney, and down he goes to the _drove yard_. He
+met the feller; the feller looked at the dog; he saw Barney _was_ a
+dog--he looked at him, asked how old he was; if that was all the dog
+Ben. owned, and he seemed to like the dog--but, boys, I'm gittin'
+dry--_rotted dry_--"
+
+"Go on, tell us all about the dog, then we'll drink," says the boys.
+
+"'Well,' says Ben. McConachy to the feller, 'now, make us an offer for
+him.' Now, what do you suppose, boys, that feller's first offer was?"
+
+The boys couldn't guess it; they guessed and guessed; some one price,
+some another, all the way from five to fifty dollars--the old fellow
+continuing to say "No," until they gave it up.
+
+"Well, boys, I'll tell you--that feller, after looking and looking at
+Ben. McConachy's dog, tail to snout, half an hour--_didn't offer a red
+cent for him!_ Ben. come home in disgust and give the dog to me--there
+he is. Now, boys, we'll have that sperrets."
+
+But on looking around, the boys had cut the pit--_mizzled!_
+
+
+
+
+The Perils of Wealth
+
+
+Money is admitted to be--there is no earthly use of dodging the
+fact--the lever of the whole world, by which it and its multifarious
+cargo of men and matters, mountains and mole hills, wit, wisdom, weal,
+woe, warfare and women, are kept in motion, in season and out of season.
+It is the arbiter of our fates, our health, happiness, life and death.
+Where it makes one man a happy _Christian_, it makes ten thousand
+miserable _devils_. It is no use to argufy the matter, for money is the
+"root of all evil," more or less, and--as Patricus Hibernicus is
+supposed to have said of a single feather he reposed on--if a dollar
+gives some men so much uneasiness, what must a million do? Money has
+formed the basis of many a long and short story, and we only wish that
+they were all imbued, as our present story is, with--more irresistible
+mirth than misery. Lend us your ears.
+
+Not long ago, one of our present well-known--or ought to be, for he is a
+man of parts--business men of Boston, resided and carried on a small
+"trade and dicker" in the city of Portland. By frugal care and small
+profits, he had managed to save up some six hundred dollars, all in
+_halves_, finding himself in possession of this vast sum of hard cash,
+he began to conceive a rather insignificant notion of _small cities_;
+and he concluded that Portland was hardly big enough for a man of his
+pecuniary heft! In short, he began to feel the importance of his
+position in the world of finance, and conceived the idea that it would
+be a sheer waste of time and energy to stay in Portland, while with
+_his_ capital, he could go to Boston, and spread himself among the
+millionaires and hundred thousand dollar men!
+
+"Yes," said B----, "I'll go to Boston; I'd be a fool to stay here any
+longer; I'll leave for bigger timber. But what will I do with my money?
+How will I invest it? Hadn't I better go and take a look around, before
+I conclude to move? My wife don't know I've got this money," he
+continued, as he mused over matters one evening, in his sanctum; "I'll
+not tell her of it yet, but say I'm just going to Boston to see how
+business is there in my line; and my money I'll put in an old cigar box,
+and--"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+B---- was all ready with his valise and umbrella in his hand. His
+"good-bye" and all that, to his wife, was uttered, and for the tenth
+time he charged his better half to be careful of the fire, (he occupied
+a frame house,) see that the doors were all locked at night, and "be
+sure and fasten the cellar doors."
+
+B---- had got out on to the pavement, with no time to spare to reach the
+cars in season; yet he halted--ran back--opened the door, and in evident
+concern, bawled out to his wife--
+
+"Caddie!"
+
+"Well?" she answered.
+
+"Be sure to fasten the alley gate!"
+
+"Ye-e-e-e-s!" responded the wife, from the interior of the house.
+
+"And whatever you do, _don't forget them cellar doors_, Caddie!"
+
+"Ye-e-e-e-s!" she repeated, and away went B----, lickety split, for the
+Boston train.
+
+After a general and miscellaneous survey of modern Athens, B---- found
+an opening--a good one--to go into business, as he desired, upon a
+liberal scale; but he found vent for the explosion of one very
+hallucinating idea--his six hundred dollars, as a cash capital, was a
+most infinitesimal _circumstance_, a mere "flea bite;" would do very
+well for an amateur in the cake and candy, pea-nut or vegetable
+business, but was hardly sufficient to create a sensation among the
+monied folks of Milk street, or "bulls" and "bears" on 'change. However,
+this realization was more than counter-balanced by another
+fact--"confidence" was a largely developed _bump_ on the business head
+of Boston, and if a man merely lacked "means," yet possessed an
+abundance of good business qualifications--spirit, energy, talent and
+tact--they were bound to see him through! In short, B----, the great
+Portland capitalist, found things about right, and in good time, and in
+the best of spirits, started for home, determining, in his own mind, to
+give his wife a most pleasant surprise, in apprizing her of the fact
+that she was not only the wife of a man with six hundred silver dollars,
+and about to move his _institution_--but the better half of a gentleman
+on the verge of a new campaign as a Boston business man.
+
+"Lord! how Caroline's eyes will snap!" said B----; "how she'll go in;
+for she's had a great desire to live in Boston these five years, but
+thinks I'm in debt, and don't begin to believe I've got them six hundred
+all hid away down----. But I'll surprise her!"
+
+B---- had hardly turned his corner and got sight of his house, with his
+mind fairly sizzling with the pent-up joyful tidings and grand surprise
+in store for Mrs. B., when a sudden change came over the spirit of his
+dream! As he gazed over the fence, by the now dim twilight of fading
+day, he thought--yes, he did see fresh earthy loose stones, barrels of
+lime, mortar, and an ominous display of other building and repairing
+materials, strewn in the rear of his domicil! The cellar doors--those
+wings of the subterranean recesses of his house--which he had cautioned,
+earnestly cautioned, the "wife of his bussim" to close, carefully and
+securely, were sprawling open, and indeed, the outside of his abode
+looked quite dreary and haunted.
+
+"My dear Caroline!" exclaimed B----, rushing into the rear door of his
+domestic establishment, to the no small surprise of Mrs. B., who gave a
+premature--
+
+"Oh dear! how you frightened me, Fred! Got home?"
+
+"Home? yes! don't you see I have. But, Carrie, didn't I earnestly beg of
+you to keep those doors--cellar doors--shut? fastened?"
+
+"Why, how you talk! Bless me! Keep the cellar shut? Why, there's nothing
+in the cellar."
+
+"Nothing in the cellar?" fairly howls B----.
+
+"Nothing? Of course there is not," quietly responded the wife; "there is
+nothing in the cellar; day before yesterday, our drain and Mrs. A.'s
+drain got choked up; she went to the landlord about it; he sent some
+men, they examined the drain, and came back to-day with their tools and
+things, and went down the cellar."
+
+"_Down the cellar?_" gasped B----, quite tragically.
+
+"Down _the_ cellar!" slowly repeated Mrs. B.
+
+"Give me a light--quick, give me a light, Caroline!"
+
+"Why, don't be a fool. I brought up all the things, the potatoes, the
+meat, the squashes."
+
+"P-o-o-h! blow the meat and squashes! Give me a light!" and with a
+genuine melo-drama rush, B---- seized the lamp from his wife's hand, and
+down the cellar stairs he went, four steps at a lick. In a moment was
+heard--
+
+"O-o-o-h! I'm ruined!"
+
+With a full-fledged scream, Mrs. B. dashed pell-mell down the stairs, to
+her husband. He had dropped the lamp--all was dark as a coal mine.
+
+"Fred--Frederick! oh! where are you? What have you done?" cried his
+wife, in intense agony and doubt.
+
+"Done? Oh! I'm done! yes, done now!" he heavily sighed.
+
+"Done what? how? Tell me, Fred, are you hurt?"
+
+"What on airth's the matter, thar? Are you committing murder on one
+another?" came a voice from above stairs.
+
+"Is that you, Mrs. A.?" asked Mrs. B. to the last speaker.
+
+"Yes, my dear; here's a dozen neighbors; don't get skeert. Is thare
+robbers in yer house? What on airth is going on?"
+
+This brought B---- to his proper reckoning. He ordered his wife to "go
+up," and he followed, and upon reaching the room, he found quite a
+gathering of the neighbors. He was as white as a white-washed wall, and
+the neighbors staring at him as though he was a wild Indian, or a
+chained mad dog. Importuned from all sides to unravel the mystery, B----
+informed them that he had merely gone down cellar to see what the
+masons, &c., had been doing--dropped his lamp--his wife screamed--and
+that was all about it! The wife said nothing, and the neighbors shook
+their incredulous heads, and went home; which, no sooner had they gone,
+than B---- seized his hat and cut stick for the office of a cunning,
+far-seeing limb of the law, leaving Mrs. B. in a state of mental
+agitation better imagined than described. B---- stated his case--he had
+buried six hundred dollars in a box under the _lee_ of the cellar-wall,
+and gone to Boston on business, and as if no other time would suit, a
+parcel of drain-cleaners, and masons, and laborers, must come and go
+right there and then to dig--get the six hundred dollars and clear.
+
+After a long chase, law and bother, B---- recovered half his
+money--packed up and came to Boston.--There's a case for you! Beware of
+money!
+
+
+
+
+Nursing a Legacy.
+
+
+Waiting for dead men's shoes is a slow and not very sure business;
+sometimes it pays and sometimes it don't. I know a genius who lost by
+it, and his case will bear repeating, for there is both morality and fun
+in it.
+
+Lev Smith, a native of "the Eastern shore" of Maryland, and a resident
+of a small town in the lower part of Delaware, began life on a very
+limited capital, and because of a natural disposition indigenous to the
+climate and customs of his native place--general apathy and unmitigated
+_patience_ peculiar to people raised on fish and Johnny-cake, amid the
+stunted pine swamps and sand-hills of that Lord-forsaken country--Lev
+never increased it. Lev had an uncle, an old bachelor, without "chick or
+child," and was reported to be pretty well off. Old man Gunter was
+proverbially mean, and as usual, heartily despised by one half of the
+people who knew him. He had a small estate, had lived long, and by his
+close-fisted manner of life, it was believed that Gunter had laid by a
+pretty considerable pile of the root of all evil, for something or
+somebody; and one day Lev Smith, the nephew, came to the conclusion that
+as the old man was getting quite shaky and must soon resign his
+interests in all worldly gear, _he_ would volunteer to console the
+declining years of his dear old uncle, by his own pleasant company and
+encouragement, and the old man very gladly accepted the proposals of
+Lev, to cut wood, dig, scratch and putter around his worn out and
+dilapidated farm. Uncle Gunter had but two negroes; through starvation
+and long service he had worn them about out; he had little or no
+"stock" upon his _farm_, quite as scant an assortment of utensils, few
+fences, and in fact, to any actively disposed individual, the general
+appearance and state of affairs about old Gunter's _place_ would have
+given the double-breasted blues. But Lev Smith had come to loaf and
+lounge, and not to display any very active or patriotic evolutions, so
+he was not so much disheartened by his uncle's dilapidated farm, as he
+was annoyed by the beggarly way the old man lived, and the assiduous
+desire he seemed to manifest for Lev to be stirring around, gathering
+chips, patching fences, cutting brush; from morn till night, he and the
+two superannuated cuffies; and the old man barely raising enough to keep
+soul and body of the party together.
+
+At first, the job he had undertaken proved almost too much for Lev
+Smith's constitution, but the great object in view consoled him, and the
+more he saw of the old man's meanness, the more and more he took it for
+granted that his uncle had necessarily hoarded up treasure; but, after
+three years' drudgery, Lev's courage was on the point of breaking down;
+the only stay left seemed the fact that now he had served so long a
+time, so patiently and lovingly, and the old man apparently upon his
+very last legs--it seemed a ruthless waste of his golden dreams to give
+out, so he made up his mind to--wait a little longer. Another year
+rolled on; Uncle Gunter got indeed low, and the lower he got the more
+assiduous got nephew Smith, and even the neighbors wondered how a young
+man _could_ stick on, and put up with such a miserly, mean, selfish and
+penurious old curmudgeon as old Joe Gunter. Gunter himself was apprized
+of the great indulgence and wonderful patience of his nephew, and not
+unfrequently said, in a groaning voice:
+
+"Ah, my dear Levi, you're a good boy; I wish to the Lord it was in your
+poor, miserable, wretched old uncle's distressed power to--"
+
+"Never mind, never mind, Uncle Joe," Lev would most deceitfully respond;
+"I ask nothing for myself; what I do, I _do_ willingly!"
+
+"I know, I know you do, poor boy, but your poor, old, miserable,
+wretched uncle don't deserve it."
+
+"Don't mind that, dear uncle," says Lev. "It's my duty, and I'll do it."
+
+"Good boy, good boy; your poor, old, miserable uncle will be
+grateful--we'll see."
+
+"I know that--I feel sure he will, dear Uncle Joe--and that's enough,
+_all_ I ask."
+
+"And if he don't--poor, miserable old creature,--if he don't pay you,
+the Lord will, Levi!"
+
+"And that will be all that's needed, Uncle Joe," says the humbugging
+nephew. And so they went, Lev not only waiting on the old man with the
+tender and faithful care of a good Samaritan, but out of his own slender
+resources ministering to the old man's especial comfort in many ways and
+matters which Uncle Joe would have seen him hanged and quartered before
+he would in a like manner done likewise. But the end came--the old
+fellow held on toughly; he never died until Lev's patience, hope and
+slender income were quite threadbare; so he at last went off the
+handle--Lev buried him and mourned the dispensation in true Kilkenny
+fashion.
+
+Lev Smith now awaited the settlement of Uncle Gunter's affairs in grief
+and solicitude. Another party also awaited the upshot of the matter,
+with due solemnity and expectation, and that party was Polly Williams,
+Lev's "intended," and her poor and miserly dad and marm, who knew Lev
+Smith, as they said, was a lazy, lolloping sort of a feller, but sure to
+get all that his poor, miserable uncle was worth in the world, and
+therefore, with more craft and diligence, if possible, than Lev
+practised, the Williamses set Polly's cap for Lev, and who, in turn, was
+not unmindful of the fact that Williams "had something" too, as well as
+his two children, Polly and Peter. Things seemed indeed bright and
+propitious on all sides. The day came; Lev was on hand at Squire
+Cornelius's, to hear the will read, and the estate of the deceased
+settled.
+
+As usual in such cases in the country, quite a number of the neighbors
+were on hand--old Williams, of course.
+
+"He was a queer old mortal," began the Squire.
+
+"But a good man," sobbed Lev Smith, drawing out his bandanna, and
+smothering his sharp nose in it. "A good man, 'Squire."
+
+"God's his judge," responded the Squire, and a number of the neighbors
+shook their head and stroked their beards, as if to say amen.
+
+"Joseph Gunter mout have been a good man and he mout not," continued the
+Squire; "some thinks he was not; I only say he was a queer old mortal,
+and here's his will. Last will and testament of Joseph Gunter, &c.,
+&c.," continued the Squire.
+
+"Poor, dear old man," sobbed Lev. "Poor _dear_ old man!"
+
+"Being without wife or children," continued the 'Squire.
+
+"O, dear! poor, dear old man, how _I_ shall miss him in this world of
+sorrow and sin," sobs Lev, while old Williams bit his skinny lips, and
+the neighbors again stroked their beards.
+
+"To comfort my declining years--"
+
+"Poor, _dear_ old man, he was to be pitied; I did all I could do,"
+groaned the disconsolate Lev, "but I didn't do half enough."
+
+"Passing coldly and cheerless through the world--" continued the
+'Squire.
+
+"Yes, he did, poor old man; O, dear!" says Lev.
+
+"Cared for by none, hated and shunned by all (Lev looked vacantly over
+his handkerchief, at the Squire), I have made up my mind (Lev all
+attention) that no mortal shall benefit by me; I have therefore
+mortgaged and sold (Lev's eyes spreading) everything I had of a dollar's
+value in the world, and buried the money in the earth where none but the
+devil himself can find it!"
+
+There was a general snicker and stare--all eyes on Lev, his face as
+blank as a sham cartridge, while old Williams's countenance fell into a
+concatenation of grimaces and wrinkles--language fails to describe!
+
+"But here's a codicil," says the 'Squire, re-adjusting his glasses.
+"Knowing my nephew, Levi Smith, expects something (Lev brightens up, old
+Williams grins!)--he has hung around me for a long time, expecting it
+(Lev's jaw falls), I do hereby freely forgive him his six years boarding
+and lodging, and, furthermore, make him a present of my two old negroes,
+Ben and Dinah."
+
+"The--the--the--cussed old screw," bawls old Williams.
+
+"The infernal, double and twisted, mean, contemptible, miserable old
+scoundrel!" cries poor Lev, foaming with virtuous indignation, and
+swinging his doubled up fists.
+
+"And you--you--you cussed, do-less, good for nothing, hypocritical
+skunk, you," yells old Williams, shaking his bony fingers in poor Lev's
+face, the neighbors grinning from ear to ear, "to humbug me, my wife, my
+Polly, in this yer way. Now clear yourself--take them old niggers, don't
+leave 'em here for the crows to eat--clear yourself!"
+
+Lev Smith sneaks off like a kill-sheep dog, leaving old Ben and Dinah to
+the tender mercies of a quite miserable and equally wretched
+neighborhood. Polly Williams didn't "take on" much about the matter, but
+in the course of a few weeks took another venture in love's lottery,
+and--was married. Poor Lev Smith returned to the scenes of his
+childhood, a wiser and a poorer man.
+
+
+
+
+The Troubles of a Mover.
+
+
+"Mr. Flash in?"
+
+"Mr. Flash? Don't know any such person, my son."
+
+"Why, he lives here!" continued the boy.
+
+"Guess not, my son; I live here."
+
+"Well, this is the house, for I brought the things here."
+
+"What things?" says our friend, Flannigan.
+
+"Why, the door mat, the brooms, buckets and brushes," says little
+breeches.
+
+Flannigan looks vacantly at his own door mat, for a minute, then says
+he--
+
+"Come in my man, I'll see if any such articles have come here, for us."
+
+The boy walks into the hall, amid the barricades of yet unplaced
+household effects--for Flannigan had just moved in--and Flannigan calls
+for Mrs. F. The lady appears and denies all knowledge of any such
+purchases, or reception of buckets, brooms, and little breeches clears
+out.
+
+In the course of an hour, a violent jerk at the bell announces another
+customer. Flannigan being at work in the parlor, answers the call; he
+opens the door, and there stands "a greasy citizen."
+
+"Goo' mornin'. Mr. Flash in?"
+
+"Mr. Flash? I don't know him, sir."
+
+"You don't?" says the "greasy citizen." "He lives here, got this bill
+agin him, thirty-four dollars, ten cents, per-visions."
+
+"I live here, sir; my name's Flannigan, I don't know you, or owe you, of
+course!"
+
+"Well, that's a pooty spot o' work, _any how_;" growls our greasy
+citizen, crumpling up his bill. "Where's Flash?"
+
+"I can't possibly say," says Flannigan.
+
+"You can't?"
+
+"Certainly not."
+
+"Don't know where he's gone to?" growls the butcher.
+
+"No more than the man in the moon!"
+
+"Well, he ain't goin' to dodge _me_, in no sich a way," says the
+butcher. "I'll find him, if it costs me a bullock, you may tell him
+so!--for _me!_" growls the butcher.
+
+"Tell him yourself, sir; I've nothing to do with the fellow, don't know
+him from Adam, as I've already told _you_," says Flannigan, closing the
+door--the "greasy citizen" walking down the steps muttering thoughts
+that breathe and words that burn!
+
+Flannigan had just elevated himself upon the top of the centre table, to
+hang up Mrs. F.'s portrait upon the parlor wall, when another ring was
+heard of the bell. He called to his little daughter to open the door and
+see what was wanted.
+
+"Is your fadder in, ah?"
+
+"Yes, sir, I'll call him," says the child, but before she could reach
+the parlor, a burly Dutch baker marches in.
+
+"Goot mornin', I bro't de _pills_ in."
+
+"Pills?" says Flannigan.
+
+"Yaw, for de prets," continues the baker; "nine tollars foof'ey cents. I
+vos heert you was movin', so I tink maybees you was run away."
+
+"Mistake, sir, I don't owe you a cent; never bought bread of you!"
+
+"_Vaw's!_ Tonner a' blitzen!--don't owes me!"
+
+"Not a cent!" says Flannigan, standing--hammer in hand, upon the top of
+the table.
+
+"_Vaw's!_ you goin' thrun away and sheet me, _ah_?"
+
+"Look here, my friend, you are under a mistake. I've just moved in
+here, my name's Flannigan, you never saw me before, and of course I
+never dealt with you!--don't you see?"
+
+"Tonner a' blitzen!" cries the enraged baker, "I see vat you vant, to
+sheet me out mine preet, you raskills--I go fetch the con-stabl's, de
+shudge, de sher'ffs, and I have mine mon-ney in mine hands!" and off
+rushes the enraged man of dough, upsetting the various small articles
+piled up on the bureau in the hall--by _wanging_ to the door.
+
+Poor Flannigan felt quite "put out;" he came very near dashing his
+hammer at the Dutchman's head, but hoping there was an end to the
+annoyances he kept at work, until another ring of the bell announced
+another call. The Irish girl went to the door; Flannigan listens--
+
+"Mr. Flash in?"
+
+"Yees!" says Biddy, supposing Flash and Flannigan was the same in Dutch.
+"Would yees come in, sir," and in comes the young man.
+
+"Good morning, sir," quoth he; "I've called as you requested sir, with
+the bill of that china set, &c."
+
+"Mistake, sir--I've bought no china set, lately," says Flannigan.
+
+"Isn't your name Flash, sir!"
+
+"No, sir, my name's _Flannigan_. I've just moved here."
+
+"Indeed," says the clerk. "Well, sir, where has Flash gone to, do you
+know."
+
+"Gone to be hanged! I trust, for I've been bothered all this morning by
+persons that scoundrel appears to owe. He moved out of here, day before
+yesterday; I took his unexpired term of the lease of this dwelling,
+having noticed it advertised, gave the fellow a bonus for his lease, and
+he cleared for California, I believe."
+
+This concise statement appeared to satisfy the clerk that his "firm" was
+_done_, and the young man and _his_ bill stepped out. Another _ring_,
+and Flannigan opens the door; two men wanted to see Mr. Flash; he had
+been buying some tin-ware of one, and the other he owed for putting up a
+fire range in the building, and which range and accoutrements poor
+Flannigan had bought for twenty-five dollars, cash down! These gentlemen
+felt very vindictive, of course, and hinted awful strong that Flannigan
+was privy to Flash's movements; and a great deal more, until Flannigan
+losing his patience, and then his temper, ordered the men to
+vamose!--they did, giving poor Flannigan a "good blessing" as they
+walked away!
+
+The family was about to sit down to a "made-up dinner" in the back
+parlor, when the bell rang; the Irish girl answered the call, and
+returned with a bill of sundry groceries, handed in by a man at the
+door.
+
+"Tell him Mr. Flash has gone--left--don't know him, and don't want to
+know him, or have any thing to do with him or his bill!"
+
+The girl carried back the bill; presently Flannigan hears a _muss_ in
+the hall, he gets up and goes out; there was Biddy and the grocer's man
+in a high dispute. Biddy--"true to her instinct," had made a bull of her
+message by telling the man her master didn't know him; go to the divil
+wid his bill! Flannigan managed to pacify the man, and give him to
+understand that Mr. Flash was gone to parts unknown, and--the grocer, in
+common with bakers, butchers, tinners and china dealers--were _done!_
+
+But now came the tug of war; two "colored ladies" made their appearance,
+for a small bill of seven dollars, for washing and ironing the dickeys
+and fine linen of the Flashes.
+
+"An' de fac _am_," says the one, "we's bound to hab de money, _shuah!_"
+
+It did not seem to _take_ when Flannigan informed his colored friends
+that they were surely _done_, as their debtor had "cut his lucky" and
+gone!
+
+The darkies felt inclined to be _sassy_, and Flannigan closed the door,
+ordering them to create a vacancy by clearing out, and just as he closed
+the door, ring goes the bell!
+
+"Be gor," says a brawny "adopted citizen," planting his brogan upon the
+sill, as Flannigan opened the door--"I've come wid me _coz_-zin to git
+her wages, ye's owin' her!"
+
+"Me? Owe you?" cries poor Flannigan.
+
+"_Igh!_" says Paddy, trying to push his way into the hall.
+
+"Stand back, you scoundrel!" cries Flannigan.
+
+"_Scoun-thril!_" roars the outraged "adopted citizen."
+
+"Stand back, you infernal ruffian!" exclaims Flannigan, as Paddy makes a
+rush to grab him.
+
+"Give me me coz-zin's wages, ye--ye--" but here his oration drew towards
+a close, for Flannigan, no longer able to recognise virtue in
+forbearance, opened the door and planting his own huge fist between the
+_ogle-factories_ of Paddy, knocked him as stiff as a bull beef! Falling,
+Paddy carried away his red-faced burly coz-zin, and the twain tumbling
+upon the two negro women who were still at the bottom of the steps,
+dilating, to any number of lookers-on, upon the rascality of poor
+Flannigan in gouging them out of their washing bill, down went the white
+spirits and black, all in a lump.
+
+Here was a row! A mob gathered; "the people in that house" were
+denounced in all manner of ways, the negroes screamed, the Irish roared,
+the Dutch baker came up with a police-man to arrest Flannigan for
+stealing his bread! And soon the butcher arrived with another officer to
+seize the goods of Flash, supposed to be in the house--ready to be taken
+away!
+
+Such a double and twisted uproar in Dutch, Irish, Ethiopian and natural
+Yankee, was terrific!
+
+Mrs. F. fainted, the children screamed, and poor Flannigan was carried
+to the police office to answer half a cord of "charges," and reached
+home near sundown, quite exhausted, and his wallet bled for "costs,"
+fines, &c., some $20. Poor Flannigan moved again; the house had such a
+"bad name," he couldn't stay in it.
+
+
+
+
+The Question Settled.
+
+
+"Doctor" Gumbo, who "does business" somewhere along shore, met "Prof."
+_White_,--a gemman, whose complexion is four shades darker than the
+famed ace of spades,--a few evenings since, in front of the _Blade_
+office, and after the usual formalities of greeting, says the doctor--
+
+"What you tink, sah, oh dat Lobes question, what dey's makin' sich a
+debbil ob a talk about in de papers?"
+
+"Well," dignifiedly answered the professor of polish-on boots, "it's my
+'ticular opinion, sah, dat dat Lopes got into de wrong pew, brudder
+Gumbo, when he went down to Cuber for his healf!"
+
+"Pshaw! sah, I'se talkin' about de gwynna (guano) question, I is."
+
+"Well, doctor," said the professor, "I'se not posted up on de goanna
+question, no how; but, when you comes to de Cuber, or de best mode ob
+applyin' de principle ob liquid blackin' to de rale fuss-rate calfskin,
+_I'se dar!_"
+
+"O! oh!" grunts Gumbo; "professor, you'se great on de natural principles
+ob de chemical skyence, I see; but lord honey, I doos pity your
+ignorance on jography questions. So, take care ob yourself, ole
+nigger--yaw! yaw!" and they parted with the formality of two Websters,
+and half a dozen common-sized dignitaries of the nation thrown in.
+
+
+
+
+How it's Done at the Astor House.
+
+
+People often wonder how a man can manage to drink up his salary in
+liquor, provided it is sufficient to buy a gallon of the very best
+ardent every day in the year. How a fortune can be drank up, or drank
+down, by the possessor, is still a greater poser to the unsophisticated.
+Now, to be sure, a man who confines himself, in his potations, to
+fourpenny drinks of small beer, Columbian whiskey, or even that
+detestable stuff, by courtesy or custom called _French brandy_,--which,
+in fact, is generally aquafortis, corrosive sublimate, cochineal,
+logwood, and whiskey,--and don't happen to know too many drouthy
+cronies, may make a very long lane of it; but it's the easiest thing in
+the world to swallow a snug salary, income, mortgages, live stock, and
+real estate, when you know how it's done.
+
+Managing a theatre, publishing a newspaper, or keeping trained dogs or
+trotting horses, don't hardly begin to phlebotomize purse and
+reputation, like drinking.
+
+"Doctor," said a gay Southern blood, to a famed "tooth doctor," "look
+into my mouth."
+
+"I can't see any thing there, sir," says the tooth puller.
+
+"Can't? Well, that's deuced strange. Why, sir, look again; you see
+nothing!"
+
+"Nothing, sir!"
+
+"Why, sir," says the young planter, "it's most astonishing, for I've
+just finished swallowing--_three hundred negroes and two cotton
+plantations!_"
+
+Four young bucks met, some years ago, in a fashionable drinking saloon
+in Cincinnati. It was one of the most elegant drinking establishments in
+that part of the country. The young chaps belonged over in
+Kentucky--daddies rich, and they didn't care a snap! says they, let's
+have a spree! The "sham" came in, and they went at it; giving that a
+fair trial, they took a turn at sherry, hock, and a sample of all the
+most expensive stuffs the proprietors had on hand. Getting fuddled, they
+got uproarious; they kicked over the tables and knocked down the
+waiters. The landlord, not exactly appreciating that sort of "going on,"
+remonstrated, and was met by an array of pistols and knives. Mad and
+furious, the young chaps made a general onslaught on the people present,
+who "dug out" very quick, leaving the bacchanalians to their glory;
+whereupon, they fell to and fired their pistols into the mirrors,
+paintings, chandeliers, &c. Of course the watchmen came in, about the
+time the young gentlemen finished their youthful indiscretions, and
+after the usual battering and banging of the now almost inanimate bodies
+of the quartette, landed them in the calaboose. Next day they settled
+their bills, and it cost them about $2200! It was rather an expensive
+lesson, but it's altogether probable that they haven't forgotten a
+letter of it yet.
+
+A small party of country merchants, traders, &c., were cruising around
+New York, one evening, seeing the lions, and their cicerone,--by the
+way, a "native" who knew what _was_ what,--took them up Broadway, and as
+they passed the Astor House, says one of the strangers:
+
+"Smith, what's this thunderin' big house?"
+
+"O, ah, yes, this," says the cicerone, Smith, "_this_, boys, is a great
+tavern, fine place to get a drink."
+
+"Well, be hooky, let's all go in."
+
+In they all went; taking a private room or small side parlor, the
+country gents requested Smith to do the talking and order in the liquor.
+Smith called for a bill of fare, upon which are "invoiced" more "sorts"
+and harder named wines and _liquors_ than could be committed to memory
+in a week.
+
+"That's it," says Smith, marking a bill of fare, and handing it to the
+servant, "that's it--two bottles, bring 'em up."
+
+Up came the wine; it was, of course, elegant. The country gents froze to
+it. They had never tasted such stuff before, in all their born days!
+
+"Look a here, mister," says one of the "business men," "got eny more uv
+that wine?"
+
+"O, yes, sir!" says the servant.
+
+"Well, fetch it in."
+
+"Two bottles, sir?"
+
+"Two ganders! No, bring in six bottles!--I can go two on 'em myself,"
+says the country gent.
+
+The servant delivered his message at the bar, and after a few grimaces
+and whispering, the servant and one of the bar-keepers, or clerks,
+carried up the wine. Says the clerk, whispering to Smith, whom he
+slightly knew:
+
+"Smith, do you know the price of this wine?"
+
+"Certainly I do," says Smith; "here it's invoiced on the catalogue,
+ain't it?"
+
+"O, very well," says the clerk, about to withdraw.
+
+"Hold on!" says one of the merry country gents, "don't snake your
+handsome countenance off so quick; do yer want us to fork rite up fur
+these drinks?" hauling out his wallet.
+
+"No, yer don't," says another, hauling out his change.
+
+"My treat, if you please, boys," says the third, pulling out a handful
+of small change. "I asked the party in, an' I pay for what licker we
+drink--be thunder!"
+
+In the midst of their enthusiasm, the clerk observed it was of no
+importance just then--the bill would be presented when they got through.
+This was satisfactory, and the party went on finishing their wine,
+smoking, &c.
+
+"S'pose we have some rale sham-paigne, boys?" says one of the gents,
+beginning to feel his oats, some!
+
+"Agreed!" says the rest. Two bottles of the best "_sham_" in "the
+tavern" were called for, and which the party drank with great gusto.
+
+"Now," says one of them, "let's go to the the-ater, or some other place
+where there's a show goin' on. Here, you, mister,"--to the servant,--"go
+fetch in the landlord."
+
+"The landlord, sur?" says Pat, the servant, in some doubts as to the
+meaning of the phrase.
+
+"Ay, landlord--or that chap that was in here just now; tell him to fetch
+in the bill. Ah, here you are, old feller; well, what's the damages?"
+asks the gent, so ambitious of putting the party through, and hauling
+out a handful of keys, silver and coppers, to do it with.
+
+"Eight bottles of that old flim-flam-di-rip-rap," pronouncing one of
+those fancy gamboge titles found upon an Astor House catalogue,
+"_ninety-six dollars--_"
+
+"What?" gasped the country gent, gathering up his small change, that he
+had began to sort out on the table.
+
+"And two bottles of 'Shreider,' and cigars--seven dollars," coolly
+continued the bar-clerk; "one hundred and three dollars."
+
+"_A hundred and three thunder--_"
+
+"A HUNDRED AND THREE DOLLARS!" cried the country gents, in one breath,
+all starting to their feet, and putting on their hats.
+
+The clerk explained it, clear as mud; the trio "spudged up" the amount,
+looked very sober, and walked out.
+
+"Come, boys," said Smith, "let's go to the theatre."
+
+"Guess not," says "the boys." "B'lieve we'll go home for to-night, Mr.
+Smith." And they made for their lodgings.
+
+If those country gents were asked, when they got home, any particulars
+about the "elephant," they'd probably hint something about getting a
+glimpse of him at the Astor House.
+
+
+
+
+The Advertisement.
+
+
+Sit down for a moment, we will not detain you long, our story will
+interest you, we are sure, for it is most commendable, brief,
+and--singularly true.
+
+A poor widow, in the city of Philadelphia, was the mother of three
+pretty children, orphans of a ship-builder, who lost his life in the
+corvette Kensington, a naval vessel, built in Kensington for one of the
+South American republics, and launched in 1826. The South Americans
+being short of funds, the Kensington, after years of delay, was sold to
+the emperor of all the Russias, and sailed for Constradt in 1830. Some
+forty of the carpenters, who had built the vessel, went out in her; she
+had immense, but symmetrical spars--carried vast clouds of canvass--was
+caught off Cape Henlopen in a squall--her spars came thundering to the
+deck, and poor Glenn, the ship builder, was among the slain.
+
+The widow was allowed but a brief time to mourn for the departed;
+pinching poverty was at her door; upon her own exertions now devolved
+the care and toil of rearing her three children. Cynthia, the eldest,
+was a pretty brunette, of thirteen; the neighbors thought Cynthia could
+"go out to work;" the next eldest, Martin, a fine, sturdy and
+intelligent boy, could go to a trade; and the youngest, Rosa, one of the
+most beautiful, blue-eyed, blonde little girls of seven years, poetical
+fancy ever realized, "the neighbors thought," ought to be _given_ to
+somebody, to raise. The mother was but a feeble woman; it would be a
+task for her to obtain her own living, they thought; and so, kind,
+generous souls, with that peculiar readiness with which disinterested
+friends console or advise the unfortunate, "the neighbors" became very
+eloquent and argumentative. But though the mother's hands were weak, her
+heart was strong, and her love for her children still stronger.
+
+It is rather a singular trait in the human character, it appears to us,
+that people possessing the ordinary attributes of sane Christians,
+should so readily advise others to attempt, or do, that from which
+_they_ would instinctively recoil; the mass of Widow Glenn's advisers
+might have been far more serviceable to her, by contributing their mites
+towards preserving the unity of her little and precious family, than
+thus savagely advising its disbanding.
+
+Newspapers, at this day, were far less numerous very expensive, and
+circulated to a very limited degree, indeed. But the widow took a paper,
+a family, weekly journal; and while casting her vacant eye over the
+columns, at the close of a Saturday eve, after a severe week's toil for
+the bread her little and precious ones had eaten, the widow's attention
+was called to an advertisement, as follows:
+
+     "A Housekeeper Wanted.--An elderly gentleman desires a middle-aged,
+     pleasantly-disposed, tidy and industrious American woman, to take
+     charge and conduct the domestic affairs of his household. A
+     reasonable compensation allowed. Good reference required, _the
+     applicant to have no incumbrances_. Apply at this office, for the
+     address, &c."
+
+The eager smile, that seemed to warm the wan features of the widow, as
+she glanced over the advertisement, was dimmed and darkened, as the
+shining river of summer is shadowed by the heavy passing cloud, when she
+came to the chilling words--_the applicant to have no incumbrances_.
+
+"No incumbrances," moaned the widow, "shall none but God deign to smile
+or have mercy on the helpless orphans; are they to be feared, shunned,
+hated, because helpless? Must they perish--die with me
+alone--struggling against our woes, poverty, wretchedness? No! I know
+there is a God, he is good, powerful, merciful; he will turn the hearts
+of some towards the widow and the orphan; and though basilisk-like words
+warn me to hope not, I will apply--I will attempt to win attention,
+work, slave, toil, toil, toil, until my poor hands shall wear to the
+bone, and my eyes no longer do their office--if he will only have mercy,
+pity for my poor, poor orphans--God bless them!" and in melting
+tenderness and emotion, the poor woman dropped her face upon her lap and
+wept--her tears were the showers of hope, to the almost parched soil of
+her heart, and as the gentle dews of heaven fall to the earth, so fell
+the widow's tears in balmy freshness upon her visions of a brighter
+something--in the future.
+
+It was yet early in the evening; her children slept; the poor woman put
+on her bonnet and shawl, and started at once for the office of the
+_news_paper. The publisher was just closing his sanctum, but he gave the
+information the widow required, and favorably impressed with Mrs.
+Glenn's appearance and manner, the publisher, a quaker, interrogated her
+on various points of her present condition, prospects, &c.; and
+observed, that but for her children, he had no doubt of the widow's
+suiting the old man exactly.
+
+"But thee must not be neglected, or discarded from honest industry,
+because of thy responsibilities, which God hath given thee," said the
+quaker. "If thy lad is stout of his age, and a good boy, I will provide
+for him; he may learn our business, and be off thy charge, and thee may
+be enabled to keep thy two female children about thee."
+
+On the following Monday, the widow signified her intention of writing a
+few lines as an applicant for the situation of housekeeper, and
+afterwards to consult with the publisher in regard to her boy, Martin,
+and then bidding the courteous quaker farewell, she sought her humble
+domicil, with a much lighter heart than she had lately carried from her
+distressed and lonely home.
+
+In an ancient part of the Quaker city, facing the broad and beautiful
+Delaware river, stood a venerable mansion; but few of this class now
+remain in Philadelphia, and the one of which we now speak, but recently
+passed away, in the great conflagration that visited the city in 1850.
+In this substantial and stately brick edifice, lived one of the wealthy
+and retired ship brokers of Quakerdom. He was very wealthy, very
+eccentric, very good-hearted, but passionate, plethoric, gouty, and
+seventy years of age. Mr. Job Carson had lived long and seen much; he
+had been so engrossed in clearing his fortune, that from twenty-five to
+forty, he had not bethought him of that almost indispensable appendage
+to a man's comfort in this world--a wife. He was the next ten years
+considering the matter over, and then, having built and furnished
+himself a costly mansion, which he peopled with servants, headed by a
+maiden sister as housekeeper, Job thought, upon the whole--to which his
+sister added her strong consent--that matrimony would greatly increase
+his cares, and perhaps add more _noise_ and confusion to his household,
+than it might counterbalance or offset by probable comfort in "wedded
+happiness," so temptingly set forth to old bachelors.
+
+"No," said Job, at fifty, "I'll not marry, not trade off my single
+blessedness yet; at least, there's time enough, there's women enough;
+I'm young, hale, hearty, in the prime of life; no, I'll not give up the
+ship to woman yet."
+
+Another ten years rolled along, and the thing turned up in the retired
+merchant's mind again--he was now sixty, and one, at least, of the
+objections to his entering the wedded state, removed--for a man at sixty
+is scarcely too young to marry, surely.
+
+"Ah, it's all up," quoth Job Carson. "I'm spoiled now. I've had my own
+way so long, I could not think of surrendering to petticoats, turning
+my house into a nursery, and turning my back on the joys, quiet and
+comforts of bachelorhood. No, no, Job Carson--matrimony be hanged.
+You'll none of it." And so ten years more passed--now age and luxury do
+their work.
+
+"O, that infernal twinge in my toe. _O_, there it is again--hang the
+goat, it can't be gout. Dr. Bleedem swears I'm getting the gout.
+Blockhead--none of my kith or kin ever had such an infernal complaint.
+O, ah-h-h, that infernal window must be sand-bagged, given me this pain
+in the back, and--Banquo! Where the deuce is that nigger--Banquo-o-o!"
+
+"Yis, massa, here I is," said a good-natured, fat, black and
+sleek-looking old darkey, poking his shining, grinning face into the old
+gentleman's study, sitting, playing or smoking room.
+
+"Here you are? Where? You black sarpint, come here; go to Jackplane, the
+carpenter, and tell him to come here and make my sashes tight, d'ye
+hear?"
+
+"Yis, massa, dem's 'em; I'se off."
+
+"No, you ain't--come here, Banquo, you woolly son of Congo, you; go open
+my liquor case, bring the brandy and some cool water. There, now clear
+yourself."
+
+"Yis, massa, I'se gone, dis time--"
+
+"No, you ain't, come back; go to old Joe Winepipes, and tell him I send
+my compliments to him, and if he wants to continue that game of chess,
+let him come over this afternoon, d'ye hear?"
+
+"Yis, massa, dem's 'em, I'se gone dis time--_shuah!_"
+
+"Well, away with you."
+
+Old Job Carson was yet a rugged looking old gentleman. He had survived
+nearly all his "blood, kith and kin;" his sister had paid the last debt
+of nature some months before, and in hopes of finding some one to fill
+her station, in his domestic concerns, his advertisement had appeared
+in the _Weekly Bulletin_.
+
+"Ah, me, it's no use crying about spilt milk," sighed the old gent over
+his glass. "I suppose I've been a fool; out-lived everybody, everything
+useful to me. Made a fortune _first_, nobody to spend it _last_. Yes,
+yes," continued the old man, in a thoughtful strain, "old Job Carson
+will soon slip off the handle; 'poor old devil,' some bloodsucker may
+say, as he grabs Job's worldly effects, 'he's gone, had a hard scrabble
+to get together these things, and now, we'll pick his bones.' Well, let
+'em, let 'em; serves me right; ought to have known it before, but blast
+and rot 'em, if they only enjoy the pillage as much as I did the
+struggles to keep it together, why, a--it will be about an even thing
+with us, after all."
+
+"Yis, massa, here I is," chuckled Banquo, again putting his black bullet
+pate in at the door.
+
+"You are, eh? Well, clear yourself--no, come back; go down to Oatmeal's
+store, and tell him to let old Mrs. Dougherty, and the old blind man,
+and the sailor's wife, and--and--the rest of them, have their groceries,
+again, this week--only another week, mind, for I'm not going to support
+the whole neighborhood any longer--tell him so."
+
+"Yis, massa, I'se gone."
+
+"Wait, come here, Banquo; well, never mind--clear out."
+
+But Banquo returned in a moment, saying:
+
+"Dar's a lady at the doo-ah, sah; says she wants to see you, sah, 'bout
+'ticlar business, sah."
+
+"Is, eh? Well, call her into the parlor, I'll be down--ah-h, that
+infernal _twinge_ again, ah-h-h-h, ah-h! What a stupid ass a man is to
+hang around in this world until he's a nuisance to himself and every
+body else!" grunted old Job, as he groped his way down stairs, and into
+the parlor.
+
+"Good morning, ma'am," said he, as he confronted the widow, who, in
+the utmost taste of simple neatness, had arranged her spare dress, to
+meet the umpire of her future fate.
+
+Mrs. Glenn respectfully acknowledged the salutation, and at once opened
+her business to the bluff old man.
+
+"Yes, yes; I'm a poor, unfortunate creature, ma'am; I'm nothing, nobody,
+any more. I want somebody to see that I'm not robbed, or poisoned, and
+that I may have a bed to lie upon, and a clean piece of linen to my back
+occasionally, and a--that's all I want, ma'am."
+
+The widow feigned to hope she knew the duties of a housekeeper, and
+situated as she was, it was a labor of love to work--toil, for those
+misfortune had placed in her charge.
+
+"Eh? what's that--haven't got _incumbrances_, have you, ma'am?"
+
+"I have three children, sir," meekly said the widow.
+
+"Three children?" gruffly responded the old gentleman; "ah, umph, what
+business have you, ma'am, with three children?"
+
+[Illustration: "Three children?" gruffly responded the old gentleman.
+"Ah, umph, what business have you, ma'am, with three
+children?"--_Page_ 393.]
+
+The widow, not apparently able to answer such a poser, the old gentleman
+continued:
+
+"Poor widows, poor people of any kind, have no business with
+_incumbrances_, ma'am; no excuse at all, ma'am, for 'em."
+
+"So, alas!" said Mrs. Glenn, "I find the world too--too much inclined to
+reason; but I shall trust to the mercy and providence of the Lord, if
+denied the kind feelings of mortals."
+
+"Ah, yes, yes, that's it, ma'am; it's all very fine, ma'am; but too many
+poor, foolish creatures get themselves in a scrape, then depend upon the
+Lord to help 'em out. This shifting the responsibility to the shoulders
+of the Lord isn't right. I don't wonder the Lord shuts his ears to half
+he's asked to do, ma'am."
+
+"Well, sir, I thought I would _call_, though I feared my children would
+be an objection to--"
+
+"Yes, yes,--I don't want incumbrances, ma'am."
+
+"But I--I a--"--the widow's heart was too full for utterance; she moved
+towards the door. "Good morning, sir."
+
+"Stop, come back, ma'am, sit down; it's a pity--you've no business,
+ma'am, as I said before, to have incumbrances, when you haven't got any
+visible means of support. Now, if you only had one, one incumbrance--and
+that you'd no business to have"--said the old gent, doggedly, tapping an
+antique tortoise-shell snuff box, and applying "the pungent grains of
+titillating dust," as Pope observes, to his proboscis, "if you had only
+_one_ incumbrance--but you've got a house full, ma'am."
+
+"No, sir, only three!" answered widow Glenn.
+
+"Three, only three? God bless me, ma'am, I wouldn't be a poor woman with
+two--no, with one incumbrance at my petticoat tails--for the biggest
+ship and cargo old Steve Girard ever owned, ma'am."
+
+"I might," meekly said the widow, "put my son with the printer, sir; he
+has offered to take my poor boy."
+
+"Two girls and a boy?" inquiringly asked the old gent, applying the
+dust, and manipulating his box. "How old? Eldest thirteen, eh?--boy
+eleven, and the youngest seven, eh?" and working a traverse, or solving
+some problematic point, Job Carson stuck his hands under his morning
+gown, and strode over the floor; after a few evolutions of the kind, he
+stopped--fumbled in a drawer of a secretary, and placing a ten dollar
+note in the widow's hand, he said:
+
+"There, ma'am; I don't know that I shall want you, but to-morrow
+morning, if you have time, from other and more important business, call
+in, bring your children with you; good morning, ma'am--Banquo!"
+
+"Yis, sah; I'se heah."
+
+"Show the lady out--good morning, ma'am, good morning."
+
+"I like that woman's looks," said old Job, continuing his walk; "she's
+plain and tidy; she's industrious, I'll warrant; if she only hadn't that
+raft of _incumbrances_; what do these people have incumbrances for,
+anyway?--"
+
+"Lady at the doo-ah, sah," said Banquo.
+
+"Show her in. Good morning, ma'am; Banquo, a seat for the lady; yes,
+ma'am, I did; I want a housekeeper. I advertised for one. How many
+servants do I keep? Well, ma'am, I keep as many as I want. Have
+visitors? Of course I have. What and where are _my rooms_? Why, madam, I
+own the house, every brick and lath in it. I go to bed, and get up, and
+go round; come in and out, when I feel like it. What church do I worship
+in? I've assisted in _building_ a number, own a half of one, and a third
+of several; but, ma'am, between you and I--I don't want to be rude to a
+lady, ma'am, but I _do_ think, this examination ain't to my liking--you
+don't think the place would suit you, eh? Well, I think _your ladyship_
+wouldn't suit _me_, ma'am, so I'll bid your ladyship good morning," said
+old Job, bowing very obsequiously to the stiff-starched and acrimonious
+dame, who, returning the old gentleman's _bow_ with the same "high
+pressure" order, seized her skirts in one hand, and agitating her fan
+with the other, she stepped out, or _finikined_ along to the hall door,
+and as Banquo flew around, and put on the _extras_ to let her ladyship
+out, she gave the darkey a pat on the head with her fan, and looking
+crab-apples at the poor negro, she rushed down the steps and
+disappeared.
+
+"Tank you, ma'am; come again, eb you please--of'n!" said the pouting
+negro.
+
+"Yes, sah; here's nudder lady, sah," says Banquo, ushering in a rather
+ruddy, jolly-looking and perfectly-at-home daughter of the "gim o' the
+sae." The old gentleman eyed her liberal proportions; consulting his
+snuff-box, he answered "yes" to the woman's inquiry, if _he_ was the
+gintleman wanting the housekeeper.
+
+"Did you read my advertisement, ma'am?"
+
+"Me rade it? Not I, faix. Mr. Mullony, our landlord, was saying till
+us--"
+
+"Are you married, too?"
+
+"Married _two_? Do I look like a woman as would marry two? No, _sur_;
+I'm a dacent woman, sur; my name is Hannah Geaughey, Jimmy Geaughey's my
+husband, sur; he, poor man, wrought in the board-yard till he was _sun
+sthruck_, by manes of falling from a cuart, sur."
+
+"Well, ma'am, that will do, I'm sorry for your husband--one dollar,
+there it is; you wouldn't suit me at all; good morning, ma'am. Banquo,
+show the good woman to the door."
+
+"But, sur, I want the place!"
+
+"I don't want _you_--good morning."
+
+"Dis way, ma'am," said Banquo, marshalling the woman to the hall.
+
+"Stand away, ye nager; it's your masther I'm spakin' wid."
+
+"Go along, go along, woman, go, go, _go!_" roared the old gent.
+
+"But, as I was saying, Mr. Mullony said--says he--who the divil you
+push'n, you black nager?" said the woman, grabbing Banquo's woolly
+top-knot.
+
+"Dis way, ma'am," persevered Banquo, quartering towards the door.
+
+"Mr. Mullony was sayin', sur--"
+
+"Dis way, ma'am," continued the darkey, crowding Mrs. Geaughey, while
+his master was gesticulating furiously to keep on _crowding_ her.
+Finally, Banquo vanquished the Irish woman, and received orders from his
+master to admit no more applicants--the place was filled.
+
+That afternoon, old Captain Winepipes--a retired merchant and
+ship-master, an old bachelor, too, who was in the habit of exchanging
+visits with Job Carson, sipping brandy and water, talking over old times
+and playing chess--came to finish a litigated game, and Job and he
+discussed the matter of taking care of the widow and children of the
+dead ship-builder. At length, it was settled that, if the second
+interview with the widow, and an exhibition of her children, proved
+satisfactory to Job Carson, he should take them in; if found more than
+Job could attend to--
+
+"Why a--I'll go you halves, Job," said Captain Winepipes.
+
+Next day, Widow Glenn and her pretty children appeared at the door of
+Carson's mansion; and Banquo, full of pleasant anticipations, ushered
+them into the retired merchant's presence.
+
+It was evident, at the first glance the old gentleman gave the group,
+that the battle was more than half won.
+
+"Fine boy, that; come here, sir--eleven years of age, eh? Your name's
+Martin--Martin Glenn, eh? Well, Martin, my lad, you've got a big world
+before you--a fussing, fuming world, not worth finding out, not worth
+the powder that would blow it up. You've got to take your position in
+the ranks, too, mean and contemptible as they are; but you may make a
+good man; if the world don't benefit you, why a--you can benefit it;
+that's the way I've done--been obliged to do it, ain't sorry for it,
+neither," said the old man, with evident emotion.
+
+"Your name is Cynthia, eh? And you are a fine grown girl for your age,
+surely. Cynthia, you'll soon be capable of 'keeping house,' too; you've
+got a world before you, too, my dear; a wicked, scandalous world; a
+world full of deceit and _misery_--look at your mother, look at me! Ah,
+well, it's all our own fault; yours, madam, for having these--these
+_incumbrances_, and mine, poor devil--for not having 'em. Cynthia,
+you're a fine girl; a good girl, I know. Ah, here's mamma's pet, I
+suppose; Rose Glenn, very pretty name, pretty girl, too, very pretty.
+Lips and cheeks like cherries, eyes brighter than Brazil diamonds.
+Ma'am, you've got great treasures here; a man must be a stupid ass to
+call these _incumbrances_. They are jewels of inestimable value. What's
+my filthy bank accounts, dollars and cents, houses, goods and chattels,
+that fire may destroy, and thieves steal--to these blessings that--that
+God has given the lone widow to strengthen her--cheer her in the dark
+path of life? God is great, generous, and just; I see it now, plainer
+than I ever did before. Banquo!"
+
+"Yis'r, I'se here, massa."
+
+"Go tell Counsellor Prime to call on me immediately; tell Captain
+Winepipes to come over--I want to see him. I'm going to make a fool of
+myself, I believe."
+
+"Yes, sah, I'se gone; gorry, I guess dere's suffin gwoin to happen to
+dat lady and dem chil'ns--shuah!" said Banquo, rushing out of the house.
+
+The fate of the ship-builder's family was fixed. Job Carson
+proposed--and the widow, of course, consented--that Martin Glenn should
+become the adopted son of the old gentleman, Job Carson; and that he
+should choose a trade or profession, which he should then, or later,
+learn, making the old gentleman's house as much his home as
+circumstances would permit; the two girls were to remain under the same
+roof with the mother, who was at once installed as housekeeper for the
+bluff and generous old gentleman.
+
+Old Captain Winepipes insisted on a share in the settlement, to wit:
+that both girls should be educated at his expense, which was finally
+acceded to, adding, that in case he--Captain Joseph Winepipes--should
+live to see Rose Glenn a bride, he should provide for her wedding, and
+give her a dowry.
+
+"Set that down in black and white, Mr. Prime," said Job, "and that I,
+Job Carson, do agree, should I live to see Cynthia Glenn a wife, to give
+her a comfortable start in the world--set that down, for I will do it,
+yes, I will," said the old gent, with an emphatic rap on his snuff-box.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Ten years passed away; Captain Winepipes has paid the debt of nature; he
+did not live to see Rose Glenn a wife; but, nevertheless, he left a
+clause in his will, that fully carried out his expressed intentions when
+Rose did marry, some two years after she arrived at the age of sweet
+seventeen. Martin Glenn Carson graduated in the printing office, and
+very recently filled one of the most important stations in the judiciary
+of Illinois, as well as a chivalrous part in the recent war with Mexico.
+Cynthia was wedded to a well known member of the Philadelphia bar, an
+event that Job Carson barely lived to see, and, as he agreed to, donated
+a sum, quite munificent, towards making things agreeable in the progress
+of her married life. Widow Glenn remained a faithful servant and friend
+to the old merchant, and, upon his death, she became heir to the family
+mansion, and means to keep it up at the usual bountiful rate. Large
+bequests were made in Job Carson's will, to charitable institutes, but
+the bulk of his fortune fell to his adopted son, Martin, who proved not
+unworthy of his good fortune. Banquo ended his days in the service of
+the widow, who had cause for and took pleasure in blessing the vehicle
+that conveyed to herself and orphans their rare good fortune, in guise
+of a NEWSPAPER ADVERTISEMENT.
+
+
+
+
+Incidents in a Fortune-Hunter's Life.
+
+
+We do not now recollect what philosopher it was who said, "it's no
+disgrace to be poor, but it's often confoundedly unhandy!" But, we have
+little or no sympathy for poor folks, who, ashamed of their poverty,
+make as many and tortuous writhings to escape its inconveniences, as
+though it was "against the law" to be poor. It is the cause of
+incalculable human misery, to _seem_ what we are _not_; to appear beyond
+_want_--yea, even in affluence and comfort, when the belly is robbed to
+clothe the back--the inner man crucified to make the outside _lie_ you
+through the world, or into--genteel "society." This, though abominable,
+is common, and leads to innumerable ups and downs, crime and fun, in
+this old world that we temporarily inhabit.
+
+Choosing rather to give our life pictures a familiar and diverting--and
+certainly none the less instructive garb--than to hunt up misery, and
+depict the woeful tragics of our existence, we will give the facts of a
+case--not uncommon, we ween, either, that came to us from a friend of
+one of the parties.
+
+In most cities--especially, perhaps, in Baltimore and Washington, are
+any quantity of decayed families; widows and orphans of men--who, while
+blessed with oxygen and hydrogen sufficient to keep them healthy and
+active--held offices, or such positions in the business world as enabled
+them and their families to carry pretty stiff necks, high heads, and go
+into what is called "good society;" meaning of course where good
+furniture garnishes good finished domiciles, good carpets, good rents,
+good dinners, and where good clothes are exhibited--but where good
+intentions, good manners and morals are mostly of no great importance.
+As, in most all such cases, when, by some fortuitous accident, the head
+of the family collapses, or dies,--the reckless regard for society
+having led to the squandering of the income, fast or faster than it
+came, the poor family is driven by the same society, so coveted, to hide
+away--move off, and by a thousand dodges of which wounded pride is
+capable, work their way through the world, under tissues of false
+pretences; at once ludicrous and pitiable. Such a family we have in
+view. Colonel Somebody held a lucrative office under government, in the
+city of Washington. Colonel Somebody, one day, very unexpectedly, died.
+There was nothing mysterious in that, but the Somebodies having always
+cut quite a swell in the "society" of the capital--which society, let us
+tell you, is of the most fluctuating, tin-foil and ephemeral character;
+it was by some considered strange, that as soon as Colonel Somebody had
+been decently buried in his grave, his family at once made a sale of
+their most expensive furniture--the horses, carriage, and man-servant
+disappeared, and the Somebodies apprized society that they were going
+north, to reside upon an estate of the Colonel's in New York. And so
+they vanished. Whither they went or how they fared society did not know,
+and society did not care!
+
+Mrs. Somebody had two daughters and a son, the eldest twenty-three,
+_confessedly_, and the youngest, the son, seventeen. Marriages, in such
+society, floating and changing as it does in Washington, are not
+frequent, and less happy or prosperous when effected; every body,
+inclined to become acquainted, or form matrimonial connections, are ever
+on the alert for something or somebody better than themselves; and under
+such circumstances, naturally enough, Miss Alice Somebody--though a
+pretty girl--talented, as the world goes, highly educated, too, as many
+hundreds beside her, was still a spinster at twenty-three. The fact was,
+Mrs. Somebody was a woman of experience in the world--indeed, a dozen
+years' experience in life at Washington, had given her very definite
+ideas of expediency and diplomacy; and hence, as the means were cut off
+to live in their usual style and expensiveness--Mrs. Somebody packed up
+and retired to Baltimore. The son soon found an occupation in a
+store--the daughter, being a woman of taste and education, resorted
+to--as a matter of _diversion_--they could not think of earning a
+living, of course!--the needle--while Mrs. Somebody arranged a pair of
+neat apartments, for two "gentlemen of unexceptionable reference," as
+boarders.
+
+During their palmy days at the capital of the nation, Miss Alice
+Somebody came in contact with a young gentleman named Rhapsody,--of
+pleasant and respectable demeanor, _an office-holder_, but not high up
+enough to suit the tastes and aims of Colonel Somebody and his lady; and
+so, our friend Rhapsody stood little or no chance for favor or
+preferment in the graces of Miss Alice, though he was a recognized
+visitor at the Colonel's house, and essayed to make an impression upon
+the heart's affections of the Colonel's daughter.
+
+Time fled, and with its fleetings came those changes in the fates and
+fortunes of the Somebodies, we have noted. Nor was our friend Rhapsody
+without his changes,--mutations of fortune, a change of government, made
+changes. Rhapsody one morning was not as much surprised as mortified to
+find his "services no longer required," as a new hand was awaiting his
+withdrawal. Rhapsody, true to custom at the capital--lived up to and
+ahead of his salary; and, when deposed, deemed it prudent to make his
+exit from a spot no longer likely to be favorable to the self-respect or
+personal comfort of a man bereft of power, and without patronage or
+position. Rhapsody, by trade (luckily he had a trade), was a boot-maker.
+Start not, reader, at the idea; we know "shoemaker" may have a tendency
+to shock some people, whose moral and mental culture has been sadly
+neglected, or quite perverted; but Rhapsody was but a boot-maker, and no
+doubt quite as gentlemanly--physically and mentally considered, as the
+many thousands who merely _wear_ boots, for the luxury of which they are
+indebted to the skill, labor and industry of others. Rhapsody came down
+gracefully, and quite as manfully, to his level, only changing the scene
+of his endeavors to the city of monuments. Rhapsody had feelings--pride.
+He sought obscurity, in which he might perform the necessary labors of
+his craft, to enable him to keep his head above water, and await that
+tide in the affairs of men, when perhaps he might again be drifted to
+fortune and favor.
+
+Rhapsody took lodgings in a respectable hotel; he arose late--took
+breakfast, read the news--smoked--lounged--dressed, and went through the
+ordinary evolutions of a gentleman of leisure, until he dined at 3 P.
+M.; then, by a circuitous way, he proceeded to his shop--put on his
+working attire, and went at it faithfully, until midnight, when, having
+accomplished his maximum of toil, he re-dressed--walked to his
+hotel--talked politics--fashions, etc., took his glass of wine with a
+friend, and very quietly retired; to rise on the morrow, and go through
+the same routine from day to day, only varying it a little by an eye to
+an eligible marriage, or a place.
+
+Rhapsody--we must give him the credit of the fact--from no mawkish
+feeling of his own, but from force of public opinion, resorted to this
+secret manner of eking out his daily bread, and acting out his part of
+the fictitious gentleman. During one of his morning
+lounges--accidentally, Rhapsody met Miss Somebody in the street. They
+had not met for some few years, and it may not be troublesome to
+conceive, that Miss Alice--under the new order of things--was more
+pleased than otherwise to renew the acquaintance of other days, with a
+gentleman still supposed to be--and his attire and manner surely gave
+no sign of an altered state of affairs--in a position recognizable by
+society.
+
+Rhapsody renewed his attentions to the Somebody family, and Miss Alice
+in particular--with fervor. He admitted himself no longer an _attache_
+of government, but offset the deprivation of government patronage, by
+asserting that he was graduating for a higher sphere in life than the
+drudgery and abjectness of a clerkship--he was studying political
+economy, and the learned profession of the law!
+
+The Somebodies were _game_; not a concession would they make to stern
+indigence; it was merely for the sake of quietude, said Mrs. Somebody,
+and the solace of retirement from the gay and tempestuous whirls of
+society, that _we_ changed the scene and dropped a peg lower in domestic
+show. Rhapsody believed Colonel Somebody a man of substance. He knew how
+easy it was to account for the expenditure of fifteen hundred dollars a
+year, but it did not so readily appear possible for a man holding the
+Colonel's place and perquisites, some thousands a year, to die poor,
+without estate; ergo, the Somebodies were still, doubtless, _somebody_,
+and the more the infatuated Rhapsody dwelt upon it, the more he absorbed
+the idea of forming an alliance with the dead Colonel's family. And the
+favor with which he was received seemed to facilitate matters as
+desirably as could be wished for. What airy castles, or gossamer
+projects may have haunted the fancy of our sanguine friend, Rhapsody, we
+know not; but that he whacked away more cheerily at his trade, and kept
+up his appearances spiritedly, was evident enough. An expert and
+artistic craftsman, he secured paying work, and executed it to the
+satisfaction of his employers.
+
+The industry of the Somebodies was one of the traits in the characters
+of the two young women, particularly commendatory to Rhapsody; he
+seldom paid them a morning or afternoon call, that they were not
+diligently engaged with needles and Berlin wool--fashioning wrought
+suspenders for brother, slippers for brother, or mother, or sister, or
+the Rev. Mr. So-and-So--the recently made inmate of the family. The
+multiplicity of such performances, for brother, mother, sister, the
+reverend gentleman--_mere pastime_, as Mrs. Somebody would remark,--most
+probably would have caused a mystery or misgiving in the minds of many
+adventurous _Lotharios_; but Rhapsody, though, as we see, a man of the
+world, had something yet to learn of society and its complexities.
+Things progressed smoothly--the reverend gentleman facetiously cajoled
+Miss Alice and the mother upon the issue of coming events--the lively
+young lawyer, etc., etc.,--and it seemed to be a settled matter that
+Miss Alice was to be the bride of Mr. Rhapsody at last.
+
+Rhapsody, usually, after dark, in the evening, in his laboring garments,
+made his return of work and received more. Whilst thus out, one evening,
+on business, in making a sudden turn of a corner, he came plump upon
+Mrs. Somebody and Alice! Rhapsody would have dashed down a cellar--into
+a shop--up an alley, or sunk through the footwalk, had any such
+opportunity offered, but there was none--he was there--beneath the flame
+of a street lamp, with the eagle eyes of all the party upon him! Cut off
+from retreat, he boldly faced the enemy!
+
+He was going to a political caucus meeting in a noisy and turbulent
+ward--apprehended a disturbance--donned those shady habiliments, and the
+large green bag in his hand, that a--well, though it did not seem to
+contain such goods, was supposed, for the nonce, to contain his books
+and papers; documents he was likely to have use for at the caucus!
+Rhapsody got through--it was a tight shave; he dexterously declined
+accompanying the ladies home--they were rather queerly attired
+themselves, it occurred to Rhapsody; they made some excuse for their
+appearance, and so the maskers _quit, even_. Time passed on--Alice and
+Rhapsody had almost climaxed the preparatory negotiations of an hymenial
+conclusion, when another _contretemps_ came to pass--it was the grand
+finale.
+
+It was on a rather blustery night, that Rhapsody, in haste, sought the
+shop of his employer; he had work in hand which, being ordered done at a
+certain hour, for an anxious customer, he was in haste to deliver. His
+green bag under his arm, in rushed Rhapsody,--the servant of the
+customer was awaiting the arrival of the _bottier_ and his master's
+boots. The shopman eagerly seized Rhapsody's verdant-colored satchel,
+and out came the boots, and which underwent many critical inspections,
+eliciting sundry professional remarks from the shopman, to our hero,
+Rhapsody, who, in his business matters had assumed, it appeared, the
+more humble name of _Mr. Jones_, in the shop. The customer's servant
+stood by the counter--fencing off a lady, further on--from immediate
+notice of Rhapsody. A side glance revealed sundry patterns or specimens
+of most elegantly-wrought slippers--the boss of the shop, and the lady,
+were apparently negotiating a trade, in these embroidered articles; the
+lady, now but a few feet from Rhapsody and the garrulous shopman, turned
+toward the poor fellow just as the shopman had stuffed more work into
+the green bag--their eyes met. Rhapsody felt an all-overish sensation
+peculiar to that experienced by an amateur in a shower bath, during his
+first _douse_, or the incipient criminal detected in his initiatory
+crime! Poor Rhapsody felt like fainting, while Miss Alice Somebody,
+without the nerve to gather up her work, or withstand a further test of
+the force of circumstances, precipitately left the store, her face red
+as scarlet, and her demeanor wild and incomprehensible, at least to all
+but Rhapsody.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Rhapsody was at breakfast the next morning--a servant announced a
+gentleman in the parlor desirous of an interview with Mr. Rhapsody--it
+was granted, and soon _Jones_, the _boot-maker_, confronted the Rev. Mr.
+So-and-So. Though an inclination to _smile_ played about the pleasant
+features of the reverend gentleman, he assumed to be severe upon what he
+called the duplicity of Mr. Rhapsody; and that gentleman patiently
+hearing the story out, quietly asked:
+
+"Are you, sir, here as an accuser--denouncer, or an ambassador of peace
+and good will?"
+
+"The latter, sir, is my self-constituted mission," said the reverend
+gentleman.
+
+"Then," said Rhapsody, "I am ready to make all necessary concessions--a
+clean breast of it, you may say. I am in a false position--struggling
+against public opinion--false pride--falsely, and yet honestly, working
+my way through the world. I am no more nor less, nominally, than _Jones,
+the boot-maker_. Now," continued Rhapsody, "if a false purpose covers
+not a false heart also, I can yet be happy in the affections of Miss
+Somebody, and she in mine. For those who can battle as we have, against
+the common chances of indigence, upright and alone in our integrity, may
+surely yet win greater rewards by mutual consolation and support, our
+fortunes joined."
+
+"I have not been mistaken, then, sir," said the reverend gentleman, "in
+your character, if I was in your occupation; and you may rely upon my
+friendly service in an amicable and definite arrangement of this very
+delicate matter."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When General Harrison took the "chair of state," our friend Rhapsody was
+reinstated in his place, occupied years before, and by fortuitous
+circumstances he got still higher--an appointment of trust connected
+with a handsome salary; so that Jones, the boot-maker, was enabled to
+re-enter the Somebodies into the gay and fluctuating society at the
+national capital, from which they had been so unceremoniously driven by
+the death of the husband and father. Mrs. Somebody, that was, however,
+is now a much older and much wiser person, the wife of our ministerial
+friend, who vouches the difficulty he had in overcoming Mrs. Somebody's
+repugnance to leather--and for sundry quibbles--yea, strong arguments
+against any blood of hers ever uniting with the fates and fortunes of a
+boot-maker; with what _propriety_, her experience has long since taught
+her. Alice is the happiest of women, mother of many fine children, the
+wife of a man poverty could not corrupt, if public opinion forced him to
+mask the means that gave him bread. Rhapsody is no longer a politician,
+or office-holder, but engaged in lucrative pursuits that yield comfort
+and position in society. To relate the trials, courtship and marriage of
+"Jones, the boot-maker," is one of our friend Rhapsody's standing jokes,
+to friends at the fireside and dinner table; but that such a safe and
+happy tableau would again befall parties so circumstanced, is a very
+material question; and the moral of our story, being rather complex,
+though very definite, we leave to society, and you, reader, to
+determine.
+
+
+
+
+A Distinction with a Difference.
+
+
+A gentleman from "out 'town," came into Redding & Co.'s on Christmas
+day, and leaning thoughtfully over the counter, says he to Prescott,
+"Got any Psalms here?"
+
+"N-n-no," says Prescott, reflectingly, "but," he continued, after a
+moment's pause, and handing down a copy of Hood, "here's plenty of old
+Joe's!"
+
+The out-of-town gentleman gave a glance at _the pictures_, and with a
+countenance indicative of having been tasting a crab-apple--left!
+
+
+
+
+Pills and Persimmons.
+
+
+I remember an old "Joke" told me by my father, of an old, and rather
+addle-headed gentleman, who some fifty years ago did business in New
+Castle, Delaware, and having occasion to send out to England for
+hardware, wrote his order, and as he was about to despatch it to the
+captain of the ship, lying in the stream, ready for sea, a neighbor got
+him to add an order for some kegs of nails, and in the hurry, the old
+man dashed off his _P. S._, but upon attempting to read the whole order
+over, he couldn't make head or tail of it.
+
+"Well," says he, in a flurry, "I'll send it, just as it is; they are
+better scholars in England than I am--_they'll make it out_."
+
+Strange enough to say, when the hardware came over, among the rest of
+the stuff were the so many kegs of nails, but upon opening one of these
+kegs, it was full, or nearly so, of American quarter dollars. The old
+man roared out in a [word missing].
+
+"Haw! haw! haw! Well, blast me," says he, "if _they_ ain't scholars,
+fust-rate scholars, in England; _it's worth while sending 'em bad
+manuscript_."
+
+A still more comical mistake is related to us, of a commercial
+transaction that actually took place within a year or two, between
+parties severally situated in Boston and the city of San Francisco,
+California. As we consider the whole transaction rather _rich_, we
+transcribe it for the diversion it may furnish.
+
+Simmons, the "Oak Hall" man, of Boston, had set up a shop in San
+Francisco, to which he was almost daily sending all sorts of cheap
+clothing, and making, on the same, more money than a horse could pull;
+and in his package, he was in the habit of sending articles for friends,
+&c. A gentleman recently gone to the gold country, from Boston,
+acquainted with Simmons, and Simmons with him, found, upon looking
+around San Francisco, that his own business, _lawing_, wasn't worth two
+cents, as many of his craft were turning their attention to matters more
+useful to the human family--digging cellars, wheeling baggage, driving
+teams, &c. So lawyer Bunker _turned_ his attention from Blackstone,
+Chitty, Coke on Littleton, and those fellows of deep-red, blue-black
+law, to the manufacture of quack nostrums. Bunker found that the great
+appetite we Yankees have for quack medicines, pills and powders,
+suffered no diminution in the gold country; on the contrary, the
+appetite became rather sharpened for those luxuries, and Bunker found
+that a New York butcher, with whom he became acquainted, was absolutely
+making his fortune, by the manufacture of dough pills, spiced with
+coriander, and a slight tincture of calomel.
+
+"Egad!" says Bunker, "_I'll_ go into medicine. I'll write to a friend in
+Boston, to send me _out_ a few medicine and receipt books, and a lot of
+pulverized liquorice, quinine, &c., with a pill machine, and I guess
+I'll be after my New York butchering friend in a double brace of
+shakes."
+
+Now, it may be premised that as Bunker was a lawyer, he wrote a
+first-rate hand; in fact, he might have bragged of being able to equal,
+if not surpass, the "Hon." Rufus Choate, whose scrawl more resembles the
+scratchings of a poor half-drowned in an ink-saucer spider, meandering
+over foolscap, than quill-driving, and as unintelligible as the marks of
+a tea-box or hieroglyphics on the sarcophagus of ye ancient Egyptians!
+In short, Counsellor Bunker's manuscript was awful; a few of his most
+intimate friends, only, pretending to have the hang of it at all; and to
+one of these friends, Bunker directs his message, transmits it by Uncle
+Sam's mail _poche_, and in fever heat he awaits the return of the
+precious combustibles that were to make his fortune. In course of time,
+Bunker's friends receive the order, but, alas! it was all Greek to them;
+they cyphered in vain, to make out any thing in the letters except
+_persimmons_.
+
+"What the deuce," says one of Bunker's friends, "does Joe want with
+persimmons?"
+
+They went at it again, and again, but there was no mistaking the final
+sentence, "_send, without delay, persimmons_."
+
+"Persimmons?" said one.
+
+"Persimmons?" echoed another.
+
+"Persimmons? What in thunder does Joe Bunker want with _persimmons_?"
+responded a third.
+
+"Persimmons!" all three chimed.
+
+"Persimmons," says one, "are not used in law proceedings, anyhow."
+
+"Nor in gospel, even, provided Joe has got into that," responded
+another.
+
+"Persimmons are not medicinal."
+
+"They are not chemical."
+
+"Persimmons are no part, or ingredient, in art, science, law, or
+religion; now, for what does Joe Bunker, counsellor at law, want us to
+forward, without delay, _persimmons_?"
+
+Well, they couldn't tell; in vain they reasoned. Joe's letter was very
+brief, strictly to the point, and that point was--_persimmons!_ In the
+first place, it is not everybody that knows exactly what persimmons are,
+where they come from, and what they are good for. One of Bunker's
+friends had lived in the South; he knew persimmons; it occurred to him
+that possums, and some human beings, especially the colored pop'lation,
+were the only critters particularly fond of the fruit. Webster was
+consulted, to see what light he cast upon the matter: he informed them
+that "_Persimmon_ was a tree, and its fruit, a species of _Diospyros_, a
+native of the States south of New York. Fruit like a plum, and when not
+ripe, very hard and astringent (rather so), but when ripe, luscious and
+highly nutritious."
+
+"Well, there," said one of Bunker's friends, "I'll bet Joe's sick;
+persimmons have been prescribed for his cure, and the sooner we send the
+persimmons the better!"
+
+"Persimmons! Now I come to think of it," says the man who had a faint
+idea of what persimmons were, "they make beer, first-rate beer of
+persimmons, in the South, and it's my opinion, that Joe Bunker is going
+into persimmon beer business; as you say, he _may be_ sick--persimmon
+beer may be the California cure-all; in either case, let us forward the
+persimmons without delay!"
+
+Now persimmons never ripen until _touched_ pretty smartly with Jack
+Frost. This was in September; persimmons were mostly full grown, but not
+ripe. A large keg of them was ordered from Jersey, and as fast as Adams
+& Co.'s great Express to San Francisco could take them out, _the
+persimmons went!_
+
+Counsellor Bunker, relying upon his friends to forward without delay the
+tools and remedial agents to make his fortune in the pill business, went
+to work, got him an office, changed his name, and added an M. D. to it,
+had a sign painted, advertised his shop, and informed the public that on
+such a time he would open, and guarantee to cure all ills, from lumbago
+to liver complaint, from toothache to lock-jaw, spring fever to yaller
+janders, and in his enthusiasm, he sat down with a ream of paper, to
+count up the profits, and calculate the time it would take to get his
+pile of gold dust and start for home.
+
+The day arrived that Doctor Phlebotonizem was to open, and he found
+customers began to _call_, and sure enough, in comes a large keg, direct
+through from the States, to his address; the freight bill on it was
+pretty considerable, but Joe out and paid it, rejoicing to think that
+now he was all right, and that if the proprietors of gold dust and the
+lumbago, or any of the various ills set forth in his catalogue of human
+woes, had spare change, he would soon find them out. He closed his door,
+opened his cask--
+
+"What in the name of everlasting sin and misery is this?" was the first
+_burst_, upon feeling the fine saw dust, and seeing, nicely packed, the
+green and purple, round and glossy--he couldn't tell what.
+
+"Pills? No, good gracious, they can't be _pills_--smell queer--some
+mistake--can't be any mistake--my name on the cask--(tastes one of the
+'article')--O! by thunder! (tastes again)--I'm blasted, they (tastes
+again) are, by Jove, _persimmons!_ Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ho! ho! he! he!
+ha! ha! ha!"
+
+And the ex-counsellor of modern law roared until he grew livid in the
+face.
+
+"I see--ha! ha! I see; they have misunderstood every line I wrote them,
+except the last, and that--ha! ha! ha!--for my direction to send out my
+stuff _per Simmons_, they send me PERSIMMONS! Ha! ha! ha! ho! ho!"
+
+But, after enjoying the _fun_ of the matter, ex-counsellor Bunker
+discovered the thing was nothing to laugh at; _patients_ were at the
+door--if he did not soon prescribe for their cases, his now numerous
+creditors would prescribe for him! What was to be done? Very dull and
+prosy people often become enterprising and imaginative, to a wonderful
+degree, when put to their trumps. This philosophical fact applied to
+ex-counsellor Bunker's case exactly. He was there to better his fortune,
+and he felt bound to do it, persimmons or no persimmons. It occurred to
+him, as those infernal persimmons had cost him something, they ought to
+_bring in_ something. By the aid of starch and sugar, Doctor
+Phlebotonizem converted some hundreds of the smallest persimmons into
+_pills_--sugar-coated pills--warranted to cure about all the ills flesh
+was heir to, at $2 each dose. One generally constituted a dose for a
+full-grown person, and as the patient left with a countenance much
+"puckered up," and rarely returned, the _pseudo_ M. D. concluded there
+was virtue in persimmon pills, and so, after disposing of his stock to
+first-rate advantage, the doctor paid off his bills; tired of the pill
+trade, he _vamosed the ranche_ with about funds enough to reach home,
+and explain to his friends the difference between _per_ Simmons and
+_persimmons!_
+
+
+
+
+Mysteries and Miseries of the Life of a City Editor.
+
+
+A great deal has been written, to show that the literary business is a
+very disagreeable business; and that branch of it coming under the
+"Editorial" head is about as comfortable as the bed of Procustes would
+be to an invalid. It may doubtless look and sound well, to see one's
+name in print, going the rounds, especially at the head of the editorial
+columns, from ten to fifty thousand eyes and tongues scanning and
+pronouncing it every day, or week--hundreds and thousands of the fair
+sex wondering whether he is a young or an old man, a married man or a
+bachelor; while the pious and devout are contemplating the serious of
+his emanations, and conjecturing whether he be a Methodist, Puseyite, or
+Catholic, a Presbyterian, Unitarian or Baptist; and the politicians
+scanning his views, to discover whether he _leans_ toward the
+_Locofocos, Free-Soilers, or Whigs_--all being necessarily much
+mystified, inasmuch as the neutral writer, or editor, is obliged to
+study, and most vigilantly to act, the part of a cunning
+diplomatist--stroke every body's hair with the _grain!_
+
+
+
+
+The Tribulations of Incivility.
+
+
+"A gentleman by the name of Collins stopping with you?"
+
+"Collins?" was the response.
+
+"Yes, Collins, or Collings, I ain't sure which," said the hardy-looking,
+bronzed seaman, to the gaily-dressed, flippant-mannered, be-whiskered
+man of vast importance, presiding over the affairs of one of our
+"first-class hotels."
+
+"Very indefinite inquiry, then," said the hotel manager.
+
+"Well, I brought this small package from Bremen for a gentleman who came
+out passenger with us some time ago; he left it in Bremen--wanted me to
+fetch it out when the ship returned--here it is."
+
+"What do you want to leave it here for? We know nothing about the man,
+sir."
+
+"You don't? Well, you ought to, for the gentleman put up here, and told
+me he'd be around when we got into port again. He was a deuced clever
+fellow, and you ought to have kept the reckoning of such a man," said
+the seaman.
+
+"Ha, ha! we keep so many clever fellows," said he of the hotel, "that
+they are no novelties, sir."
+
+"I wonder then," said the seaman, "you do not imitate some of them, for
+there's no danger of the world's getting crowded with a crew of good
+men."
+
+"If you have any business with us we shall attend to it, sir, but we
+want none of your impertinence!"
+
+"O, you don't? Well, Mister, I've business aboard of your craft; if
+you're the commodore, I'd like you to see that my friend Collins is
+piped up, or that this package be stowed away where he could come afoul
+of it. His name is Collins; here it is in black and white, on the
+parcel, and here's where I was to drop it."
+
+One of the "understrappers" overhearing the dispute, whispered his
+dignified superior that Mr. Collins, an English gentleman, late from
+Bremen, was in the house, whereupon the dignified empressario, turning
+to the self-possessed man of the sea, said--
+
+"Ah, well, leave the parcel, leave the parcel; we _suppose_ it's
+correct."
+
+"There it is," said the seaman; "commodore, you see that the gentleman
+gets it; and I say," says the sailor, pushing back his hat and giving
+his breeches a regular sailor twitch, "I wish you'd please to say to the
+gentleman, Mr. Collins, you know, that Mr. Brace, first officer of the
+Triton, would like to see him aboard, any time he's at leisure."
+
+But in the multiplicity of greater affairs, the hotel gentleman hardly
+attempted to listen or attend to the sailor's message, and Mr. Brace,
+first officer of the Triton, bore away, muttering to himself--
+
+"These land-crabs mighty apt to put on airs. I'd like to have that
+powder monkey in my watch about a week--I'd have him down by the lifts
+and braces!"
+
+Let us suppose it to be in the glorious month of October, when the
+myriads of travellers by land and ocean are wending their way from the
+chilly north towards the sunny south, when the invalid seeks the tropics
+in pursuit of his health, and the speculative man of business returns
+with his "invoices," to his shop, or factory, where profit leads the
+way.
+
+We are on board ship--the Triton ploughing the deep blue waters of the
+ocean track from Sandy Hook to New Orleans; for October, the weather is
+rather unruly, _damp_, and boisterous. We perceive a number of
+passengers on board, and by near guess of our memory, we see a person or
+two we have seen before. Our be-whiskered friend of the "first-class
+hotel," is there; he does not look so self-possessed and pompous on
+board the heaving and tossing ship as he did behind his marble slab in
+"the office." "The sea, the sea!" as the song says, has quite taken the
+starch out of our stiff friend, who is not enjoying a first-rate time.
+And from an overheard conversation between two hardy, noble specimens of
+men that are men--two officers of the stoutly-timbered ship, the comfort
+of the be-whiskered gentleman is in danger of a commutation.
+
+"Do you know him, Mr. Brace?"
+
+"Yes, I know him; I knew him as soon as I got the cut of his jib coming
+aboard. Now, says I, my larky, you and I've got to travel together, and
+we'll settle a little odd reckoning, if you please, or if you don't
+please, afore we see the Balize. You see, that fellow keeps a crack
+hotel in York; I goes in there to deliver a package for a deuced good
+fellow as ever trod deck, and this powder monkey, loblolly-looking swab,
+puts on his airs, sticks up his nose, and hardly condescends to exchange
+signals with me. Ha! ha! I've met these galore cocks before; I can take
+the tail feathers out of 'em!" says Mr. Brace, who is the same hardy,
+frank and free fellow, with whom the reader has already formed something
+of a brief acquaintance. The person to whom Brace was addressing himself
+was the second officer of the merchantman, and it was settled that
+whatever nautical knowledge and skill could do to make things uneasy for
+Mr. Lollypops, the empressario of the "first-class hotel," was to be
+done, by mutual management of the two salt-water jokers.
+
+"It appears to me, that a--bless me, sir, a--how this ship rolls!" said
+Lollypops, coming upon deck, and addressing Mr. Brace; "I--a never saw a
+ship roll so."
+
+"Heavy sea on, sir," said Brace; "nothing to what we'll catch before a
+week's out."
+
+"Bad coast, I believe, at this time o' year?" said Lollypops, balancing
+himself on first one leg and then the other.
+
+"Worst coast in the world, sir; I'd rather go to Calcutta any time than
+go to Orleans; more vessels lost on the coast than are lost anywhere
+else on the four seas."
+
+"You don't say so!" said Lollypops.
+
+"Fact, sir," said Brace, who occasionally kept exchanging private and
+mysterious signals with the second officer, who held the wheel.
+
+"Let her up a point, Mr. Brown, let her up!" Mr. Brown did let her up,
+and the way the Triton took head down and heels up and a roll to
+windward, did not speak so well for the nautical _menage_ of the
+officers as it did for the quiet deviltry of the salt-water Joe Millers.
+The avalanche of brine inundated the decks, making the sailors look
+quite asquirt, and driving Mr. Lollypops, an ancient voyager or two, and
+sundry other travelling gentry--very suddenly into the cabin. The next
+day the same performance followed; the appearance of Lollypops on deck
+was a signal for Brace or Brown, to go in, get up a double _roll_ on the
+ship, an imaginary gale was discussed, wrecks and reefs, dangerous
+points and dreadful currents were descanted upon, until Mr. Lollypops'
+health, at the end of the first week, was no better fast; in fact, he
+was getting sick of the voyage, while others around grew fat upon it. A
+fine morning induced the invalid to light his regalia and walk the
+decks; immediately Mr. Brace, or Brown, gave orders to wash down the
+decks. Mr. Lollypops went aloft, _ergo_, as far as the main top;
+immediately the first officer had the men "going about," heaving here
+and letting go there; in short, so endangering the hat and underpinning
+of the be-whiskered landlord of the "first-class hotel" that he was fain
+to crawl down, take the wet decks, tip-toe, and crawl into the cabin,
+damp as a dishcloth, and utterly disgusted with what he had seen of the
+sea! Accidentally, one afternoon, a tar pot fell from aloft; somehow or
+other, the careless sailor who held it, or should have held it--"let go
+all" just when Mr. Lollypops was in the immediate neighborhood; the
+result was that he had a splendid dressing-gown and other
+equipments--ruined eternally! Going into the cabin, Lollypops inquires
+for the Captain--
+
+"Sir!" says he, "I am mad, Sir, very mad, Sir; yes, I am, Sir; look at
+me, only look at me! In rough weather we do not expect pleasant times at
+sea, but, Sir, ever since I have been on board, Sir, your infernal
+officers, Sir, have thrown this ship into all manner of unpleasant
+situations, kept the decks wet, rattled chains over my berth,
+wang-banged the rigging around, and finally, by thunder, I'm covered all
+over with villanous soap fat and tar! Now, Sir, this is not all the
+result of accident--it's premeditated rascality!"
+
+"Sir"--says the bully mate, coming forward, at this crisis, "my name's
+Mr. Brace; when I was aboard your craft, in New York, you rather put on
+_airs_, and I said if you and I ever got to sea together--we'd have a
+_blow_ out. Now we're about even; if you're a mind we'll call the matter
+square--"
+
+"Yes, yes, for heaven's sake, let us have no more of this!" says
+Lollypops.
+
+"We'll have a bottle together, and wish for a clean run to Orleans!"
+continued officer Brace.
+
+Lollypops agreed; he not only stood the wine, but got over his anger,
+vowed to look deeper into character, and never again rebuff honest
+manliness, though hid under the coarse costume of a son of Neptune! A
+hearty laugh closed the scene, and fair weather and a fine termination
+attended the voyage of the Triton to New Orleans; for a finer, drier
+craft never danced over the ocean wave, than that good ship, under
+_rational_ management.
+
+
+
+
+The Broomstick Marriage.
+
+
+"Marry in haste and repent at leisure," is a time-honored idea, and
+calls to mind a matrimonial circumstance which, according to pretty
+lively authority, once came about in the glorious Empire State. A
+certain Captain of a Lake Erie steamer, who was blessed with an elegant
+temperament for fun, fashion, and the feminines, was "laid up," over
+winter, near his childhood's home in Genesee county. Having nearly
+exhausted his private stock of jokes, and gone the entire rounds of life
+and liveliness of the season, he bethought him how he should create a
+little _stir_, and have his joke at the expense of a young Doctor, who
+had recently "located" in the neighborhood, and by his rather _taking_
+person and manners, cut something of a swath in the community, and
+especially amongst the _calico!_
+
+The profession of young Esculapius gave him an access to private society
+that ordinary circumstances did not vouch to most men. Among the many
+families with which Dr. Mutandis had formed an acquaintance was that of
+old Capt. Figgles. The Captain was a queer old mortal, who in his hale
+old days had quit life on the ocean wave for the quietude of
+agricultural comfort. The Captain was a blustering salt, whimsical, but
+generous and social, as old sailors most generally are. He was supposed
+to be in easy circumstances, but _how_ easy, very few knew.
+
+Capt. Figgles's family consisted of himself, three daughters, one
+married and "settled," the other two at home; an ancient colored woman,
+who had served in the Captain's family,--ship and shore--a lifetime.
+Dinah and old Sam, her husband, with two or three farm-laborers,
+constituted the Captain's household. Betsy, the youngest daughter, the
+old man's favorite, had been christened Elizabeth, but that not being
+warm enough for Capt. Figgles's idea of attachment, he ever called his
+daughter, Betsy, and so she was called by _almost_ everybody at all
+familiar with the family. Betsy Figgles was not a very poetical subject,
+by name or size. She was a fine, bouncing young woman of
+four-and-twenty; she was dutiful and bountiful, if not beautiful. She
+was useful, and even ornamental in her old father's eyes, and, as he was
+wont to say, in his never-to-be-forgotten salt-water _linguæ_--
+
+"Betsy was a _craft_, she was; a square-bilt, trim, well-ballasted
+craft, fore and aft; none of your sky-scraping, taut, Baltimore clipper,
+fair-weather, no-tonnage jigamarees! Betsy is a _woman_; her mother was
+just like her when I fell in with her, and it wasn't long afore I
+chartered her for a life's voyage. And the man who lets such a woman
+slip her cable and stand off soundings, for 'Cowes and a market,' when
+he's got a chance to fill out her papers and take command, is not a
+_man_, but a mouse, or a long-tailed Jamaica rat!"
+
+Between Capt. Tiller, our Lake boatman, and Capt. Figgles, there was an
+intimacy of some years' standing, but the old Captain and the young
+Captain didn't exactly "hitch horses"--whether it was because Capt. T.
+came under the old man's idea of "a Jamaica rat," or because he looked
+upon inland sailors as greenhorns, deponent saith not.
+
+Dr. Mutandis and Capt. Figgles were only upon so-so sort of business
+sociality, though both the junior Captain and the Doctor were intimate
+enough with both the Miss Figgleses. Capt. Tiller, as we intimated, was
+about to leave for coming duties on the Lake, and being so full of old
+Nick, it was indispensable that he must play off a practical joke, or
+have some fun with somebody, as a sort of a yarn for the season, on his
+boat.
+
+The Figgleses announced a grand quilting scrape; the Doctor and Captain
+were among the invited guests, of course, and for some hours the
+assembled party had indeed as grand a good time generally as usually
+falls to the lot of a country community. Old black Ebenezer--but whose
+name had also been cut down for convenience sake to _Sam_, by the old
+Captain--did the orchestral duties upon his fiddle, which, aided by a
+youngster on the triangle and another on the tambourine, formed quite "a
+full band" for the occasion, and dancing was done up in style!
+
+As a sort of "change of scene" or divertisement in the programme,
+somebody proposed games of this and games of that, and while old Capt.
+Figgles was as busy as "a flea in a tar bucket"--to use the old
+gentleman's simile--fulminating and fabricating a rousing bowl of egg
+flip for the entire party, Capt. Tiller and Dr. Mutandis were sort of
+paired off with a party of eight, in which were the two Miss Figgleses,
+to get up their own game.
+
+"Good!" says Capt. Tiller, "pair off with Miss Betsy, Doctor, and I'll
+pair off with Miss Sally (the older daughter of Capt. F.), and now what
+say you? Let's make up a wedding-party--_let's jump the broomstick!_"
+
+"Agreed!" cries the Doctor. "Who'll be the parson?"
+
+"I'll be parson," says Capt. T.
+
+"Well, get your book."
+
+"Here it is!" cries another, poking a specimen of current Scripture into
+the _pseudo_ parson's hands.
+
+"Miss Betsy and Dr. Mutandis, stand up," says Capt. Tiller, assuming
+quite the air and grace of the parson.
+
+Bridesmaids, grooms, &c., were soon arranged in due order, and the
+interesting ceremony of joining hands and hearts in one happy bond of
+mutual and indissoluble (slightly, sometimes!) love and obedience was
+progressing.
+
+"Cap'n Figgles, you're wanted," says one, interrupting the old man, now
+busy concocting his grog for all hands.
+
+"Go to blazes, you son of a sea cook!" cries the old gentleman; "haven't
+you common decency to see when a man's engaged in a _calculation_ he
+oughtn't to be disturbed, eh?"
+
+"But Betsy's going to be married!" insists the disturber, who, in fact,
+was half-seas over in infatuation with Miss Betsy, and had had a slight
+inkling of a fact that by the law of the State anybody could marry a
+couple, and the marriage would be as obligatory upon the parties as
+though performed by the identical legal authorities to whom young folks
+"in a bad way" are in the habit of appealing for relief.
+
+"Let 'em heave ahead, you marine!" cries Capt. Figgles.
+
+"Are you really willing to allow it?" continues the swain.
+
+"Me willing? It's Betsy's affair; let her keep the lookout," said the
+old gent.
+
+"But don't you know, Cap'n----"
+
+"No! nor I don't care, you swab!" cries the excited Captain. "Bear away
+out of here," he continued, beginning to get down the glasses from the
+corner-cupboard shelves, "unless--but stop! hold on! here, take this
+waiter, Jones, and bear a hand with the grog, unless you want to stand
+by, and see the ship's company go down by the lifts and braces, dry as
+powder-monkeys! There; now pipe all hands--ship aho-o-o-oy!" bawls the
+old Captain; "bear up, the whole fleet! Now splice the main-brace! Don't
+nobody stand back, like loblolly boys at a funeral--come up and try
+Capt. Figgles's grog!"
+
+And up they came, the entire crew, old Ebenezer to the _le'ard_,
+sweating like an ox, and laying off for the piping bowl he knew he was
+"in for" from the hands of his indulgent old master.
+
+In the mean time, the marriage ceremony had had its hour, and the bride
+and bridegroom were "skylarking" with the rest of the company as
+happily together as turtle-doves in a clover-patch. The evening's
+entertainment wound up with an old-fashioned dance, and the quilting
+ended. Dr. Mutandis lived some five miles distant, and having a call to
+make the next morning near Capt. Figgles's farm, Dr. M. concluded to
+stop with the Captain. As Capt. Tiller was leaving, he took occasion to
+whisper into the ear of his medical friend--
+
+"I wish you much joy, my fine fellow; you're married, if you did but
+know it--fast as a church! Good time to you and Betsy!"
+
+"The devil!" says the Doctor, musingly; "it strikes me, since I come to
+think it over, that the laws of this State do privilege anybody to marry
+a couple! By thunder! it would be a fine spot of work for me if I was
+held to the ceremony by Miss Figgles!"
+
+But the Doctor kept quiet, and next morning, after breakfast, he
+departed upon his business. He had no sooner entered the house of his
+patient, than he was wished much joy and congratulated upon the
+_fatness_ and jolly good nature of his bride!
+
+"But," says the Doctor, "you're mistaken in this affair. It's all a
+hoax--a mere bit of fun!"
+
+"Ha! ha!" laughed his patient, "fun?--you call getting married _fun_?"
+
+"Yes," said the Doctor; "we were down at Capt. Figgles's; there was a
+quilting and sort of a frolic going on----"
+
+"Yes, we heard of it."
+
+"And, in fun, to keep up the sports of the evening, Capt. Tiller
+proposed to marry some of us. So Miss Figgles and I stood up, and
+Captain Tiller acted parson, and we had some sport."
+
+"Well," says the farmer (proprietor of the house), "Capt. Tiller has got
+you into a tight place, Doctor; he's been around, laughing at the trick
+he's played you, as perhaps you were not aware of the fact that by the
+law you are now just as legally and surely married as though the knot
+was tied by five dozen parsons or magistrates!"
+
+"I'll shoot Capt. Tiller, by Heavens!" cries the enraged Doctor. "He's a
+scoundrel! I'll crop his ears but I'll have satisfaction!"
+
+"Pooh!" says the farmer, "if Betsy Figgles does not object, and her
+father is willing and satisfied with the match as it is, I don't see,
+Doctor, that you need mind the matter."
+
+"I'll be revenged!" cries the Doctor.
+
+"You were never previously married, were you?" says the farmer.
+
+"No, sir," replied the Doctor.
+
+"Engaged to any lady?" continued the interrogator.
+
+"No, sir; I am too poor, too busy to think of such a folly as increasing
+my responsibilities to society!"
+
+"Then, sir," said the farmer, "allow me to congratulate you upon this
+very fortunate event, rather than a disagreeable joke, for Capt. Figgles
+is worth nearly a quarter of a million of dollars, sir; and Miss Betsy
+is no gaudy butterfly, but, sir, she's an excellent girl, whom you may
+be proud of as your wife."
+
+"'Squire," says the Doctor, "jump in with me, and go back to the
+Captain's and assist me to back out, beg the pardon of Miss Figgles and
+her father, and terminate this unpleasant farce."
+
+The magistrate-farmer got into the Doctor's gig, and soon they were at
+Capt. Figgles's door.
+
+"Captain," says the Doctor, "I don't know what excuse I _can_ offer for
+the fool I've made of myself, through that puppy, Capt. Tiller, but,
+sir----"
+
+"Look a-here!" says the Captain, staring the Doctor broad in the face,
+"I've got wind of the whole affair; now ease off your palaver. You've
+married my daughter Betsy, in a joke; she's fit for the wife of a
+Commodore, and all I've got to say is, if you want her, take her; if
+you don't want her, you're a fool, and ought to be made a powder-monkey
+for the rest of your natural life."
+
+"But the lady's will and wishes have not been consulted, sir."
+
+"Betsy!" cries the old Captain, "come here. What say you--are you
+willing to remain spliced with the Doctor, or not? Hold up your head, my
+gal--speak out!"
+
+"Yes--_I'm agreed, if he is_," said she.
+
+"Well said, hurrah!" cries the Captain. "Now, sir (to the Doctor), to
+make all right and tight, I here give you, in presence of the 'Squire,
+my favorite daughter Betsy, and one of the best farms in the State of
+New York. Are you satisfied, Doctor?"
+
+"Captain, I am. I shall try, sir, to make your daughter a happy woman!"
+returned the Doctor, and he did; he became the founder of a large
+family, and one of the wealthiest men in the State.
+
+Rather pleased, finally, with the _joke_, the Doctor managed to turn it
+upon the Captain, who in due course of law was arrested upon the charge
+of illegally personating a parson, and marrying a couple without a
+license! He was fined fifty dollars and costs; and of course was thus
+caused to laugh on the wrong side of his mouth.
+
+
+
+
+Appearances are Deceitful.
+
+
+There are a great many good jokes told of the false notions formed as to
+the character and standing of persons, as judged by their dress and
+other outward signs. It is asserted, that a fine coat and silvery tone
+of voice, are no evidence of the gentleman, and few people of the
+present day will have the hardihood to assert that a blunt address, or
+shabby coat, are infallible recommendations for putting, however honest,
+or worthy, a man in a prominent attitude before the world, or the
+community he moves in. Some men of wealth, for the sake of variety,
+sometimes assume an eccentric or coarseness of costume, that answers all
+very well, as long as they keep where they are known; but to find out
+the levelling principles of utter nothingness among your fellow mortals,
+only assume a shabby apparel and stroll out among strangers, and you'll
+be essentially _knocked_ by the force of these facts. However, in this
+or almost any other Christian community, there is little, if any excuse,
+for a man, woman, or child going about or being "shabby." Let your
+garments, however coarse, be made clean and whole, and keep them so; if
+you have but one shirt and that minus sleeves and body, have the
+fragments washed, and make not your face and hands a stranger to the
+refreshing and purifying effects of water.
+
+General Pinckney was one of the old school gentlemen of South Carolina.
+A man he was of the most punctilious precision in manners and customs,
+in courtesy, and cleanliness of dress and person; a man of brilliant
+talents, and, in every sense of the word, "a perfect gentleman!" Mr.
+Pinckney was one of the members of the first Congress, and during his
+sojourn in Philadelphia, boarded with an old lady by the name of Hall, I
+think--Mrs. Hall, a staid, prim and precise dame of the old regime.
+Mistress Hall was a widow; she kept but few boarders in her fine old
+mansion, on Chestnut street, and her few boarders were mostly members of
+Congress, or belonged to the Continental army. Never, since the days of
+that remarkable lady we read of in the books, who made her servant take
+her chair out of doors, and air it, if any body by chance sat down on
+it, and who was known to empty her tea-kettle, because somebody crossed
+the hearth during the operation of boiling water for tea,--exceeded
+Mistress Hall in domestic prudery and etiquette; hence it may be well
+imagined that "shabby people" and the "small fry" generally, found
+little or no favor in the eyes of the Quaker landlady of "ye olden
+time."
+
+General Pinckney having served out his term or resigned his place, it
+was filled by another noted individual of Charleston, General Lowndes,
+one of the most courteous and talented men of his day, but the
+slovenliest and most shockingly ill-accoutred man on record. But for the
+care and watchfulness of one of the most superb women in existence at
+the time--Mrs. Lowndes,--the General would probably have frequently
+appeared in public, with his coat inside out, and his shirt over all!
+
+General Lowndes, in starting for Philadelphia, was recommended by his
+friend Pinckney, to put up at Mistress Hall's; General P. giving General
+Lowndes a letter of introduction to that lady. Travelling was a slow and
+tedious, as well as fatiguing and dirty operation, at that day, so that
+after a journey from Charleston to Philadelphia, even a man with some
+pretensions to dress and respectable _contour_, would be apt to look a
+little "mussy;" but for the poor General's part, he looked hard enough,
+in all conscience, and had he known the _effect_ such an appearance was
+likely to produce upon Mistress Hall, he would not have had the
+temerity of invading her premises. But the General's views were far
+above "buttons," leather, and prunella. Such a thing as paying
+deferential courtesies to a man's garments, was something not dreamed of
+in his philosophy.
+
+"Mrs. Hall's, I believe?" said the General, to a servant answering the
+ponderous, lion-headed knocker.
+
+"Yes, sah," responded the sable waiter. "Walk dis way, sah, into de
+parlor, sah."
+
+The General stalked in, leisurely; around the fire-place were seated a
+dozen of the boarders, the aforesaid "big bugs" of the olden time. Not
+one moved to offer the stranger a seat by the fire, although his warm
+Southern blood was pretty well congealed by the frosty air of the
+evening. The General pulled off his gloves, laid down his great heavy
+and dusty valice, and quietly took a remote seat to await the presence
+of the landlady. She came, lofty and imposing; coming into the parlor,
+with her astute cap upon her majestic head, her gold spectacles upon her
+nose, as stately as a stage queen!
+
+"Good evening," said the gallant General, rising and making a very
+polite bow. "Mrs. Hall, I presume?"
+
+"Yes, sir," she responded, stiffly, and eyeing Lowndes with considerable
+diffidence. "Any business with me, sir?"
+
+"Yes, madam," responded the General, "I--a--purpose remaining in the
+city some time, and--a--I shall be pleased to put up with you."
+
+"That's impossible, sir," was the ready and decisive reply. "My house is
+full; I cannot accommodate you."
+
+"Well, really, that _will_ be a disappointment, indeed," said the
+General, "for I'm quite a stranger in the city, and may find it
+difficult to procure permanent lodgings."
+
+"I presume not, sir," said she; "there are _taverns_ enough, where
+strangers are entertained."
+
+The gentlemen around the fire, never offered to tender the stranger any
+information upon the subject, but several eyed him very hard, and
+doubtless felt pleased to see the discomfitted and ill-accoutred
+traveller seize his baggage, adjust his dusty coat, and start out, which
+_he_ was evidently very loth to do.
+
+Just as Lowndes had reached the parlor door, it occurred to him that
+Pinckney had recommended him to "put up" at the widow's, and also had
+given him a letter of introduction to Mrs. Hall. This reminiscence
+caused the General to retrace his steps back into the parlor, where,
+placing his portmanteau on the table, he applied the key and opened it,
+and began fumbling around for his letters, to the no small wonder of the
+landlady and her respectable boarders.
+
+"I have here, I believe, madam, a letter for you," blandly said the
+General, still overhauling his baggage.
+
+"A letter for _me_, sir?" responded the lady.
+
+"Yes, madam, from an old friend of yours, who recommended me to stop
+with you. Ah, here it is, from your friend General Pinckney, of South
+Carolina."
+
+"General Pinckney!" echoed the landlady, all the gentlemen present
+cocking their eyes and ears! The widow tore open the letter, while
+Lowndes calmly fastened up his portmanteau, and all of a sudden, quite
+an incarnation spread its roseate hues over her still elegant features.
+
+Lowndes seized his baggage, and, with a "good evening, madam, good
+evening, gentlemen," was about to leave the institution, when the lady
+arrested him with:
+
+"Stop, if you please, sir; this is General Lowndes, I believe?"
+
+"General Lowndes, madam, at your service," said he, with a dignified
+bow.
+
+According to all accounts, just then, there was a very sudden rising
+about the fire-place, and a twinkling of chairs, as if they had all just
+been _struck_ with the idea that there was a stranger about!
+
+"Keep your seats, gentlemen," said the General; "I don't wish to disturb
+any of you, as I'm about to leave."
+
+"General Lowndes," said the widow, "any friend of Mr. Pinckney is
+welcome to my house. Though we are full, I can make room for _you_,
+sir."
+
+The General stopped, and the widow and he became first-rate friends,
+when they became better acquainted.
+
+
+
+
+Cigar Smoke
+
+
+Few persons can readily conceive of the amount of cigars consumed in
+this country, daily, to say little or nothing of the yearly smokers. The
+growing passion for the noxious weed is truly any thing but pleasantly
+contemplative. A boy commences smoking at ten or a dozen years old, and
+by the time he should be "of age," he is, in various hot-house developed
+faculties, quite advanced in years! And street smoking, too, has
+increased, at a rate, within a year past, that bids fair to make the
+Puritan breezes of our evenings as redolent of "smoke and smell," as
+meets one's nasal organic faculties upon paying a pop visit to New York.
+There is but one idea of useful import that we can advance in favor of
+smoking, to any great extent, in our city: consumption and asthmatic
+disorders generally are more prevalent here than in other and more
+southern climates, and for the protection of the lungs, cigar smoking,
+to a moderate extent, may be useful, as well as pleasurable; but an
+indiscriminate "looseness" in smoking is not only a dead waste of much
+ready money, but injurious to the eyes, teeth, breath, taste, smell, and
+all other senses.
+
+
+
+
+An Everlasting Tall Duel
+
+
+After all the vicissitudes, ups and downs of a soldier's life,
+especially in such a campaign as that in Mexico, there is a great deal
+of music mixed up with the misery, fun with the fuss and feathers, and
+incident enough to last a man the balance of a long lifetime.
+
+While camped at Camargo, the officers and privates of the Ohio volunteer
+regiment were paid off one day, and, of course, all who could get
+_leave_, started to town, to have a time, and get clear of their hard
+earnings.
+
+The Mexicans were some pleased, and greatly illuminated by the
+Americans, that and the succeeding day. Several of the officers invested
+a portion of their funds in mules and mustangs. Among the rest, Lieut.
+Dick Mason and Adjt. Wash. Armstrong set up their private teams. Now, it
+so fell out, that one of Armstrong's men stole Mason's mule, and being
+caught during the day with the stolen property on him, or he on it, the
+high-handed private, (who, barring his propensity to ride in preference
+to walking, was a very clever sort of fellow, and rather popular with
+the Adjutant,) nabbed him as a hawk would a pip-chicken.
+
+"If I catch the fellow who stole my mule," quoth Lieut. Dick, "I'll give
+him a lamming he won't forget soon!"
+
+And, good as his word, when the man was taken, the Lieutenant had him
+whipped severely. This riled up Adjt. Wash., who, in good, round,
+unvarnished terms, volunteered to lick the Lieutenant--out of his
+leathers! From words they came to blows, very expeditiously, and somehow
+or other the Lieutenant came out second best--bad licked! This sort of
+a finale did not set well upon the stomach of the gallant Lieutenant; so
+he ups and writes a challenge to the Adjutant to meet in mortal combat;
+and readily finding a second, the challenge was signed, sealed, and
+delivered to Adjt. Armstrong, Company ----, Ohio volunteers. All these
+preliminaries were carried on in, or very near in, Camargo. The Adjutant
+readily accepted the invitation to step out and be shot at; and, having
+scared up his second, and having no heirs or assigns, goods, chattels,
+or other sublunary matters to adjust, no time was lost in making wills
+or leaving posthumous information. The duel went forward with alacrity,
+but all of a sudden it was discovered by the several interested parties
+that no arms were in the crowd. It would not very well do to go to camp
+and look for duelling weapons; so it was proposed to do the best that
+could be done under the circumstances, and buy such murderous tools as
+could be found at hand, and go into the merits of the case at once. At
+length the Adjutant and friend chanced upon a machine supposed to be a
+pistol, brought over to the Continent, most probably, by Cortez, in the
+year 1--sometime. It was a _scrougin_' thing to hold powder and lead,
+and went off once in three times with the intonation of a four-pounder.
+
+"Hang the difference," says the Adjutant; "it will do."
+
+"Must do," the second replies; and so paying for the tool, and
+swallowing down a fresh invoice of _ardiente_, the fighting men start to
+muster up their opponents, whom they found armed and equipped, upon a
+footing equal to the other side, or pretty near it, the Lieutenant
+having a little _heavier_ piece, with a bore into which a gill measure
+might be thrown.
+
+"But--the difference!" cried seconds and principals.
+
+"Let's fight, not talk," says the Adjutant.
+
+"That's my opinion, gentlemen, exactly," the Lieutenant responds.
+
+"Where shall we go?"
+
+"Anywhere!"
+
+"Better get out into the chaparral," say the cautious seconds; "don't
+want a crowd. Come on!" continue the seconds, very valorously; "let's
+fight!"
+
+"Here's the ground!" cries one, as the parties reach a chaparral, a mile
+or so from town; "here is our ground!"
+
+The principals stared around as if rather uncertain about that, for the
+bushes were so thick and high that precious little _ground_ was visible.
+
+"It ain't worth while, gentlemen, to toss up for positions, is it?" says
+the Adjutant's second.
+
+"No," cry both principals. "Measure off the _ground_, if you can find
+it; let us go to work."
+
+"That's the talk!" says the Adjutant's second.
+
+"Measure off thirty paces," the Lieutenant's second responds.
+
+"No, ten!" cry the principals.
+
+"Twenty paces or no fight!" insists the Adjutant's second. "Twenty
+paces; one, two, three----"
+
+And the seconds trod off as best they could the distance, the pieces
+were loaded, the several bipeds took a drink all around from an ample
+jug of the R. G. they brought for the purpose, and then began the
+memorable duel. The principals were placed in their respective
+positions, to rake down each other; and from a safer point of the
+compass the seconds gave the word.
+
+"Bang-g-g!" went the Adjutant's piece, knocking him down flat as a
+hoe-cake.
+
+"F-f-f-izzy!" and the Lieutenant's piece hung fire.
+
+The seconds flew to their men; a parley took place upon a "question"
+whether the Lieutenant had a _right_ to prime and fire again, or not.
+The Adjutant being set upon his pins; declared himself ready and willing
+to let the Lieutenant blaze away! The point was finally settled by
+loading up the Adjutant's piece, and priming that of the Lieutenant,
+placing the men, and giving the word,
+
+"One, two, three!"
+
+"Wang-g-g-g!"
+
+"Fiz-a-bang-g-g-g!"
+
+The seconds ran, or hobbled forward, each to his man, both being down;
+but whether by concussion, recoil of their fusees, force of the liquor,
+or weakness of the knee-pans, was a hard fact to solve.
+
+"Hurt, Wash.?"
+
+"Not a bit!" cries the Adjutant, getting up.
+
+"Hit, Dick?"
+
+"No, _sir!_" shouts the Lieutenant; "good as new!"
+
+"Set 'em up!"
+
+"Take your places, gentlemen!" cry the seconds.
+
+All ready. Wang! bang! go the pieces, and down ker-_chug_ go both men
+again. The seconds rush forward, raise their men, all safe, load up
+again, take a drink, all right.
+
+"Make ready, take aim, fire!"
+
+"Wang-g-g!"
+
+"Bang-g-g!"
+
+Both down again, the Lieutenant's coat-tail slightly dislocated, and the
+Adjutant dangerously wounded in the leg of his breeches! Both parties
+getting very mad, very tired, and very anxious to try it on at ten
+paces. Seconds object, pieces loaded up again, principals arranged, and,
+
+"One, two, three, fire!"
+
+"Wang-g-g-g!"
+
+"Bang-g-g!"
+
+All down--load up again--take a drink--fire! and down they go again. It
+is very natural to suppose that all this firing attracted somebody's
+attention, and somebody came poking around to see what it was all about;
+and just then, as four or five Mexicans came peeping and peering through
+the chaparral, Dick and Wash. let drive--Bang-g! wang-g! and though it
+seemed impossible to hit one another, the slugs, ricochetting over and
+through the chaparral, knocked down two Mexicans, who yelled sanguinary
+murder, and the rest of their friends took to their heels. The seconds,
+not _quite_ so "tight" as the principals, took warning in time to
+evacuate the field of honor, Lieut. Dick's second taking him one way,
+and Ajt. Wash.'s friend going another, just as a "Corporal's Guard" made
+their appearance to arrest the _rioters_. In spite of the poor Mexicans'
+protestations, or endeavors to make out a true case, they were taken up
+and carried to the Guard-House, for shooting one another, and raising a
+row in general. A night's repose brought the morning's reflection, when
+the previous day's performances were laughed at, if not forgotten. Wash,
+and Dick became good friends, of course, and cemented the bonds of
+fraternity in the bloody work of a day or two afterwards, in storming
+Monterey.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE END.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+  T. B. PETERSON'S LIST OF PUBLICATIONS
+
+
+               WIDDIFIELD'S
+
+              NEW COOK BOOK:
+
+                    OR,
+
+  PRACTICAL RECEIPTS FOR THE HOUSEWIFE.
+
+                    BY
+
+             HANNAH WIDDIFIELD,
+
+  _Celebrated for many Years for the superiority of every article
+     she made, in South Ninth Street, above Spruce, Philadelphia._
+
+Complete in one large duodecimo volume, strongly bound. Price One
+Dollar.
+
+There is not a lady living, but should possess themselves of a copy of
+this work at once. It will give you all better meals and make your cost
+of living less, and keep your husbands, sons, and brothers in an
+excellent humor. It is recommended by thousands, and is the _best_ and
+only complete Book on all kinds of Cookery extant. It is written so that
+all can understand it. It is taking the place of all other Cook Books,
+for a person possessing "WIDDIFIELD'S NEW COOK BOOK" needs no other, as
+a copy of this is worth all the other books, called Cook Books, in the
+World.
+
+_Read what the Editor of the Dollar Newspaper says about it._
+
+"The authoress of this work long enjoyed great celebrity with the best
+families in Philadelphia as the most thoroughly informed lady in her
+profession in this country. Her Establishment, on Ninth above Spruce
+street, has long enjoyed the patronage of the best livers in our city.
+The receipts cover almost every variety of cake or dish, and every
+species of cooking. One great advantage which this book enjoys over
+almost every other is the simplicity with which the ingredients are set
+forth, and the comparatively moderate cost at which particular receipts
+may be got up. In most cook books the directions cover so large a cost,
+that to common livers the directions had almost as well not be given.
+This objection has been measurably removed in this new volume. Another
+important matter is, no receipts are contained in it but those fully
+tested, not only by the author, but by cooks and housekeepers most
+competent to judge. The volume opens with directions for soup, for fish,
+oysters, meat, poultry, etc. In addition to all this, much attention has
+been given to directions for the preparation of dishes for the sick and
+convalescent. Mr. Peterson has issued the volume in handsome style,
+wisely, as we think, using large type and good paper. The book is sold
+at, or will be sent to any part of the Union, free of postage, on
+receipt of One Dollar."
+
+_Read what the Editor of the Saturday Evening Post says of it._
+
+"A number of good books on this subject have been published lately, but
+this is unquestionably the best that we have ever seen Its superiority
+is in the clearness, and brevity, and the practical directness of the
+receipts; they are easily understood and followed. The book looks like
+what it is, the ripe fruit of many years' successful practice. The
+establishment of Mrs. Widdifield has for many years held the first rank
+in Philadelphia for the unvarying excellence of every article there
+made; and now she crowns her well deserved celebrity by giving to the
+world _the best book that has been written on the subject of cookery_.
+The clear type in which the publisher presents it is no slight addition
+to its value."
+
+_Read what the Editor of the Public Ledger says of it._
+
+"A Valuable Work.--Next to having something to eat is having it cooked
+in a style fit to be eaten. Every housekeeper does not understand this
+art, and, probably, only for want of a little elementary teaching. This
+want is easily supplied, for T. B. Peterson has just published Mrs.
+Widdifield's New Cook Book, in which the experience of that celebrated
+person in this line is given so clearly and with such precise details,
+that any housekeeper of sufficient capacity to undertake the management
+of household affairs, can make herself an accomplished caterer for the
+table without serving an apprenticeship to the business. The book is
+published in one volume, the typography good, and paper excellent, with
+as much real useful information in the volume as would be worth a dozen
+times its price. Get it at once."
+
+_Read what the Editors' wives think of it._
+
+"It is unquestionably the _best_ Cook Book we have ever
+seen."--_Saturday Evening Post._
+
+"It is _the best_ of the many works on Cookery which have appeared. The
+receipts are all plain and practical, and have never before appeared in
+print."--_Germantown Telegraph._
+
+"It is the _best_ Cook Book out. Every housewife or lady should get a
+copy at once."--_Berks Co. Press._
+
+"We have no hesitation in pronouncing it the best work on the subject of
+Cookery extant."--_Ladies' National Magazine._
+
+"It is the _very best_ book on Cookery and Receipts published."--_Dollar
+Newspaper._
+
+"It is the _very best family Cook Book in existence_, and we cordially
+recommend it as such to our readers."--_Evening Bulletin._
+
+"It is _the best Cook Book_ we have ever seen."--_Washington Union._
+
+» Copies of the above celebrated Cook Book will be sent to any one to
+any place, _free of postage_, on remitting One Dollar to the Publisher,
+in a letter. Published and for sale at the Cheap Bookselling and
+Publishing House of
+
+               T. B. PETERSON,
+
+   No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.
+  _To whom all orders must come addressed._
+
+
+     BOOKS SENT EVERYWHERE FREE OF POSTAGE.
+
+
+  BOOKS FOR EVERYBODY AT GREATLY REDUCED RATES.
+
+            PUBLISHED AND FOR SALE BY
+
+                 T. B. PETERSON,
+
+        No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philad'a.
+
+     IN THIS CATALOGUE WILL BE FOUND THE LATEST
+       AND BEST WORKS BY THE MOST POPULAR AND
+          CELEBRATED WRITERS IN THE WORLD.
+
+              AMONG WHICH WILL BE FOUND
+
+  CHARLES DICKENS'S, MRS. CAROLINE LEE HENTZ'S, SIR E. L. BULWER'S,
+    G. P. R. JAMES'S, ELLEN PICKERING'S, CAPTAIN MARRYATT'S, MRS. GREY'S,
+    T. S. ARTHUR'S, CHARLES LEVER'S, ALEXANDRE DUMAS', W. HARRISON
+    AINSWORTH'S, D'ISRAELI'S, THACKERAY'S, SAMUEL WARREN'S, EMERSON
+    BENNETT'S, GEORGE LIPPARD'S, REYNOLDS', C. J. PETERSON'S, PETERSON'S
+    HUMOROUS AMERICAN WORKS, HENRY COCKTON'S, EUGENE SUE'S, GEORGE SANDS',
+    CURRER BELL'S, AND ALL THE OTHER BEST AUTHORS IN THE WORLD.
+
+  »The best way is to look through the Catalogue, and see what
+  books are in it. You will all be amply repaid for your trouble.
+
+SPECIAL NOTICE TO EVERYBODY.--Any person whatever in this country,
+wishing any of the works in this Catalogue, on remitting the price of
+the ones they wish, in a letter, directed to T. B. Peterson, No. 102
+Chestnut Street, Philadelphia, shall have them sent by return of mail,
+to any place in the United States, _free of postage_. This is a splendid
+offer, as any one can get books to the most remote place in the country,
+for the regular price sold in the large cities, _free of postage_, on
+sending for them.
+
+» All orders thankfully received and filled with despatch, and sent by
+return of mail, or express, or stage, or in any other way the person
+ordering may direct. Booksellers, News Agents, Pedlars, and all others
+supplied with any works published in the world, at the lowest rates.
+
+» Any Book published, or advertised by any one, can be had here.
+
+» Agents, Pedlars, Canvassers, Booksellers, News Agents, &c., throughout
+the country, who wish to make money on a small capital, would do well to
+address the undersigned, who will furnish a complete outfit for a
+comparatively small amount. Send by all means, for whatever books you
+may wish, to the Publishing and Bookselling Establishment of
+
+T. B. PETERSON, No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.
+
+
+                        T. B. PETERSON,
+
+            No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia,
+
+               HAS JUST PUBLISHED AND FOR SALE,
+
+          STEREOTYPE EDITIONS OF THE FOLLOWING WORKS,
+
+    Which will be found to be the Best and Latest Publications,
+      by the Most Popular and Celebrated Writers in the World.
+
+  Every work published for Sale here, either at Wholesale or Retail.
+
+  All Books in this Catalogue will be sent to any one to any place,
+       per mail, _free of postage_, on receipt of the price.
+
+
+MRS. SOUTHWORTH'S Celebrated WORKS.
+
+With a beautiful Illustration in each volume.
+
+INDIA. THE PEARL OF PEARL RIVER. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. This
+is her new work, and is equal to any of her previous ones. Complete in
+two large volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one
+volume, cloth, for $1,25.
+
+THE MISSING BRIDE; OR, MIRIAM THE AVENGER. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N.
+Southworth. Complete in two volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or
+bound in one volume, cloth, for $1,25.
+
+THE LOST HEIRESS. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Being a Splendid
+Picture of American Life. It is a work of powerful interest. It is
+embellished with a beautiful Portrait and Autograph of the author.
+Complete in two vols., paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one
+volume, cloth, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+THE WIFE'S VICTORY; AND NINE OTHER NOUVELLETTES. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N.
+Southworth. Complete in two volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or
+bound in one volume, cloth, for $1,25.
+
+THE CURSE OF CLIFTON. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Complete in two
+volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one volume, cloth,
+gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+THE DISCARDED DAUGHTER. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Complete in
+two volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in cloth, gilt, for
+One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+THE DESERTED WIFE. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Complete in two
+volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one volume, cloth,
+gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+THE INITIALS. A LOVE STORY OF MODERN LIFE. By a daughter of the
+celebrated Lord Erskine, formerly Lord High Chancellor of England. This
+is a celebrated and world-renowned work. It is one of the best works
+ever published in the English language, and will be read for generations
+to come, and rank by the side of Sir Walter Scott's celebrated novels.
+Complete in two volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one
+volume, cloth, gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents a copy.
+
+
+CHARLES DICKENS' WORKS.
+
+The best and most popular in the world. Ten different editions. No
+Library can be complete without a Sett of these Works. Reprinted from
+the Author's last Editions.
+
+"PETERSON'S" is the only complete and uniform edition of Charles
+Dickens' works published in America; they are reprinted from the
+original London editions, and are now the only edition published in this
+country. No library, either public or private, can be complete without
+having in it a complete sett of the works of this, the greatest of all
+living authors. Every family should possess a sett of one of the
+editions. The cheap edition is complete in Twelve Volumes, paper cover;
+either or all of which can be had separately. Price Fifty cents each.
+The following are their names.
+
+  DAVID COPPERFIELD,
+  NICHOLAS NICKLEBY,
+  PICKWICK PAPERS,
+  DOMBEY AND SON,
+  MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT,
+  BARNABY RUDGE,
+  OLD CURIOSITY SHOP,
+  SKETCHES BY "BOZ,"
+  OLIVER TWIST
+  BLEAK HOUSE
+
+DICKENS' NEW STORIES. Containing The Seven Poor Travellers. Nine New
+Stories by the Christmas Fire. Hard Times. Lizzie Leigh. The Miner's
+Daughters, etc.
+
+CHRISTMAS STORIES. Containing--A Christmas Carol. The Chimes. Cricket on
+the Hearth. Battle of Life. Haunted Man, and Pictures from Italy.
+
+A complete sett of the above edition, twelve volumes in all, will be
+sent to any one to any place, _free of postage_, for Five Dollars.
+
+COMPLETE LIBRARY EDITION.
+
+In FIVE large octavo volumes, with a Portrait, on Steel, of Charles
+Dickens, containing over Four Thousand very large pages, handsomely
+printed, and bound in various styles.
+
+Volume 1 contains Pickwick Papers and Curiosity Shop.
+
+   "   2    do.   Oliver Twist, Sketches by "Boz," and Barnaby Rudge.
+
+   "   3    do.   Nicholas Nickleby and Martin Chuzzlewit.
+
+   "   4    do.   David Copperfield, Dombey and Son, Christmas Stories,
+                    and Pictures from Italy.
+
+   "   5    do.   Bleak House, and Dickens' New Stories. Containing The
+                    Seven Poor Travellers. Nine New Stories
+                    by the Christmas Fire. Hard Times. Lizzie
+                    Leigh. The Miner's Daughters, and Fortune
+                    Wildred, etc.
+
+Price of a complete sett. Bound in Black cloth, full gilt back,  $7.50
+
+    "        "              "      scarlet cloth, extra,          8 50
+
+    "        "              "      library sheep,                 9 00
+
+    "        "              "      half turkey morocco,          11 00
+
+    "        "              "      half calf, antique,           15 00
+
+          » _Illustrated Edition is described on next page._ «
+
+
+ILLUSTRATED EDITION OF DICKENS' WORKS.
+
+This edition is printed on very thick and fine white paper, and is
+profusely illustrated, with all the original illustrations by
+Cruikshank, Alfred Crowquill, Phiz, etc., from the original London
+edition, on copper, steel, and wood. Each volume contains a novel
+complete, and may be had in complete setts, beautifully bound in cloth,
+for Eighteen Dollars for the sett in twelve volumes, or any volume will
+be sold separately, as follows:
+
+  BLEAK HOUSE,            _Price_, $1 50
+  PICKWICK PAPERS,                  1 50
+  OLD CURIOSITY SHOP,               1 50
+  OLIVER TWIST,                     1 50
+  SKETCHES BY "BOZ,"                1 50
+  BARNABY RUDGE,                    1 50
+  NICHOLAS NICKLEBY,                1 50
+  MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT,                1 50
+  DAVID COPPERFIELD,                1 50
+  DOMBEY AND SON,                   1 50
+  CHRISTMAS STORIES,                1 50
+  DICKENS' NEW STORIES,             1 50
+
+Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated Edition, in twelve vols., in
+black cloth, gilt back, $18,00
+
+Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated Edition, in twelve vols., in
+full law library sheep, $24,00
+
+Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated edition, in twelve vols., in
+half turkey Morocco, $27,00
+
+Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated Edition, in twelve vols., in
+half calf, antique, $36,00
+
+_All subsequent work by Charles Dickens will be issued in uniform style
+with all the previous ten different editions._
+
+
+CAPTAIN MARRYATT'S WORKS.
+
+Either of which can be had separately. Price of all except the four last
+is 25 cents each. They are printed on the finest white paper, and each
+forms one large octavo volume, complete in itself.
+
+  PETER SIMPLE.
+  JACOB FAITHFUL.
+  THE PHANTOM SHIP.
+  MIDSHIPMAN EASY.
+  KING'S OWN.
+  NEWTON FORSTER.
+  JAPHET IN SEARCH OF A FATHER.
+  PACHA OF MANY TALES.
+  NAVAL OFFICER.
+  PIRATE AND THREE CUTTERS.
+  SNARLEYYOW; or, the Dog-Fiend.
+  PERCIVAL KEENE. Price 50 cts.
+  POOR JACK. Price 50 cents.
+  SEA KING. 200 pages. Price 50 cents.
+  VALERIE. His last Novel. Price 50 cents.
+
+
+ELLEN PICKERING'S NOVELS.
+
+Either of which can be had separately. Price 25 cents each. They are
+printed on the finest white paper, and each forms one large octavo
+volume, complete in itself, neatly bound in a strong paper cover.
+
+  THE ORPHAN NIECE.
+  KATE WALSINGHAM.
+  THE POOR COUSIN.
+  ELLEN WAREHAM.
+  THE QUIET HUSBAND.
+  WHO SHALL BE HEIR?
+  THE SECRET FOE.
+  AGNES SERLE.
+  THE HEIRESS.
+  PRINCE AND PEDLER.
+  MERCHANT'S DAUGHTER.
+  THE FRIGHT.
+  NAN DARRELL.
+  THE SQUIRE.
+  THE EXPECTANT.
+  THE GRUMBLER. 50 cts.
+
+
+MRS. CAROLINE LEE HENTZ'S WORKS.
+
+COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE; OR, THE JOYS AND SORROWS OF AMERICAN LIFE. With
+a Portrait of the Author. Complete in two large volumes, paper cover,
+price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, for One Dollar and
+Twenty-five cents.
+
+THE PLANTER'S NORTHERN BRIDE. With illustrations. Complete in two large
+volumes, paper cover, 600 pages, price One Dollar, or bound in one
+volume, cloth gilt, One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+LINDA; OR, THE YOUNG PILOT OF THE BELLE CREOLE. Complete in two volumes,
+paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, for
+One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+ROBERT GRAHAM. The Sequel to, and continuation of Linda. Being the last
+book but one that Mrs. Hentz wrote prior to her death. Complete in two
+large volumes, paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume,
+for cloth gilt, One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+RENA; OR, THE SNOW BIRD. A Tale of Real Life. Complete in two volumes,
+paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, for
+One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+MARCUS WARLAND; OR, THE LONG MOSS SPRING. A Tale of the South. Complete
+in two volumes, paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume,
+cloth gilt, One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+LOVE AFTER MARRIAGE; and other Stories. Complete in two volumes, paper
+cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, for One
+Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+EOLINE; OR, MAGNOLIA VALE. Complete in two volumes, paper cover, price
+One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, $1 25.
+
+THE BANISHED SON; and other Stories. Complete in two volumes, paper
+cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, $1 25.
+
+HELEN AND ARTHUR. Complete in two volumes, paper cover, price One
+Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, $1 25.
+
+AUNT PATTY'S SCRAP BAG, together with large additions to it, written by
+Mrs. Hentz, prior to her death, and never before published in any other
+edition of this or any other work than this. Complete in two volumes,
+paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, for
+One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+
+T. S. ARTHUR'S WORKS.
+
+Either of which can be had separately. Price 25 cents each. They are the
+most moral, popular and entertaining in the world. There are no better
+books to place in the hands of the young. All will profit by them.
+
+  YEAR AFTER MARRIAGE.
+  THE DIVORCED WIFE.
+  THE BANKER'S WIFE.
+  PRIDE AND PRUDENCE.
+  CECILIA HOWARD.
+  MARY MORETON.
+  LOVE IN A COTTAGE.
+  LOVE IN HIGH LIFE.
+  THE TWO MERCHANTS.
+  LADY AT HOME.
+  TRIAL AND TRIUMPH.
+  THE ORPHAN CHILDREN.
+  THE DEBTOR'S DAUGHTER.
+  INSUBORDINATION.
+  LUCY SANDFORD.
+  AGNES, or the Possessed.
+  THE TWO BRIDES.
+  THE IRON RULE.
+  THE OLD ASTROLOGER.
+  THE SEAMSTRESS.
+
+
+CHARLES LEVER'S NOVELS.
+
+CHARLES O'MALLEY, the Irish Dragoon. By Charles Lever. Complete in one
+large octavo volume of 324 pages. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on
+finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.
+
+THE KNIGHT OF GWYNNE. A tale of the time of the Union. By Charles Lever.
+Complete in one fine octavo volume. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on
+finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.
+
+JACK HINTON, the Guardsman. By Charles Lever. Complete in one large
+octavo volume of 400 pages. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on finer
+paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.
+
+TOM BURKE OF OURS. By Charles Lever. Complete in one large octavo volume
+of 300 pages. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on finer paper, bound in
+cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.
+
+ARTHUR O LEARY. By Charles Lever. Complete in one large octavo volume.
+Price Fifty cents; or an edition on finer paper, bound in cloth,
+illustrated. Price One Dollar.
+
+KATE O'DONOGHUE. A Tale of Ireland. By Charles Lever. Complete in one
+large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on finer paper,
+bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.
+
+HORACE TEMPLETON. By Charles Lever. This is Lever's New Book. Complete
+in one large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on finer
+paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.
+
+HARRY LORREQUER. By Charles Lever, author of the above seven works.
+Complete in one octavo volume of 402 pages. Price Fifty cents; or an
+edition on finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.
+
+VALENTINE VOX.--LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF VALENTINE VOX, the Ventriloquist.
+By Henry Cockton. One of the most humorous books ever published. Price
+Fifty cents; or an edition on finer paper, bound in cloth. Price One
+Dollar.
+
+PERCY EFFINGHAM. By Henry Cockton, author of "Valentine Vox, the
+Ventriloquist." One large octavo volume. Price 50 cents.
+
+TEN THOUSAND A YEAR. By Samuel C. Warren. With Portraits of Snap, Quirk,
+Gammon, and Tittlebat Titmouse, Esq. Two large octavo vols., of 547
+pages. Price One Dollar; or an edition on finer paper, bound in cloth,
+$1,50.
+
+
+CHARLES J. PETERSON'S WORKS.
+
+KATE AYLESFORD. A story of the Refugees. One of the most popular books
+ever printed. Complete in two large volumes, paper cover. Price One
+Dollar; or bound in one volume, cloth, gilt. Price $1 25.
+
+CRUISING IN THE LAST WAR. A Naval Story of the War of 1812. First and
+Second Series. Being the complete work, unabridged. By Charles J.
+Peterson. 228 octavo pages. Price 50 cents.
+
+GRACE DUDLEY; OR, ARNOLD AT SARATOGA. By Charles J. Peterson.
+Illustrated. Price 25 cents.
+
+THE VALLEY FARM; OR, the AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF AN ORPHAN. A companion to Jane
+Eyre. Price 25 cents.
+
+
+EUGENE SUE'S NOVELS.
+
+THE MYSTERIES OF PARIS; AND GEROLSTEIN, the Sequel to it. By Eugene Sue,
+author of the "Wandering Jew," and the greatest work ever written. With
+illustrations. Complete in two large volumes, octavo. Price One Dollar.
+
+THE ILLUSTRATED WANDERING JEW. By Eugene Sue. With 87 large
+illustrations. Two large octavo volumes. Price One Dollar.
+
+THE FEMALE BLUEBEARD; or, the Woman with many Husbands. By Eugene Sue.
+Price Twenty-five cents.
+
+FIRST LOVE. A Story of the Heart. By Eugene Sue. Price Twenty-five
+cents.
+
+WOMAN'S LOVE. A Novel. By Eugene Sue. Illustrated. Price Twenty-five
+cents.
+
+MAN-OF-WAR'S-MAN. A Tale of the Sea. By Eugene Sue. Price Twenty-five
+cents.
+
+RAOUL DE SURVILLE; or, the Times of Napoleon Bonaparte in 1810. Price
+Twenty-five cents.
+
+
+SIR E. L. BULWER'S NOVELS.
+
+FALKLAND. A Novel. By Sir E. L. Bulwer, author of "The Roue,"
+"Oxonians," etc. One volume, octavo. Price 25 cents.
+
+THE ROUE; OR THE HAZARDS OF WOMEN. Price 25 cents.
+
+THE OXONIANS. A Sequel to the Roue. Price 25 cents.
+
+CALDERON THE COURTIER. By Bulwer. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+
+MRS. GREY'S NOVELS.
+
+Either of which can be had separately. Price 25 cents each. They are
+printed on the finest white paper, and each forms one large octavo
+volume, complete in itself, neatly bound in a strong paper cover.
+
+  DUKE AND THE COUSIN.
+  GIPSY'S DAUGHTER.
+  BELLE OF THE FAMILY.
+  SYBIL LENNARD.
+  THE LITTLE WIFE.
+  MAN[OE]UVRING MOTHER.
+  LENA CAMERON: or, the Four Sisters.
+  THE BARONET'S DAUGHTERS.
+  THE YOUNG PRIMA DONNA.
+  THE OLD DOWER HOUSE.
+  HYACINTHE.
+  ALICE SEYMOUR.
+  HARRY MONK.
+  MARY SEAHAM. 250 pages. Price 50 cents.
+  PASSION AND PRINCIPLE. 200 pages. Price 50 cents.
+
+
+GEORGE W. M. REYNOLD'S WORKS.
+
+THE NECROMANCER. A Romance of the times of Henry the Eighth, By G. W. M.
+Reynolds. One large volume. Price 75 cents.
+
+THE PARRICIDE; OR, THE YOUTH'S CAREER IN CRIME. By G. W. M. Reynolds.
+Full of beautiful illustrations. Price 50 cents.
+
+LIFE IN PARIS: OR, THE ADVENTURES OF ALFRED DE ROSANN IN THE METROPOLIS
+OF FRANCE. By G. W. M. Reynolds. Full of Engravings. Price 50 cents.
+
+
+AINSWORTH'S WORKS.
+
+JACK SHEPPARD.--PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF JACK SHEPPARD, the most
+noted burglar, robber, and jail breaker, that ever lived. Embellished
+with Thirty-nine, full page, spirited Illustrations, designed and
+engraved in the finest style of art, by George Cruikshank, Esq., of
+London. Price Fifty cents.
+
+ILLUSTRATED TOWER OF LONDON. With 100 splendid engravings. This is
+beyond all doubt one of the most interesting works ever published in the
+known world, and can be read and re-read with pleasure and satisfaction
+by everybody. We advise all persons to get it and read it. Two volumes,
+octavo. Price One Dollar.
+
+PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF GUY FAWKES, The Chief of the Gunpowder
+Treason. The Bloody Tower, etc. Illustrated. By William Harrison
+Ainsworth. 200 pages. Price Fifty cents.
+
+THE STAR CHAMBER. An Historical Romance. By W. Harrison Ainsworth. With
+17 large full page illustrations. Price 50 cents.
+
+THE PICTORIAL OLD ST. PAUL'S. By William Harrison Ainsworth. Full of
+Illustrations. Price Fifty cents.
+
+MYSTERIES OF THE COURT OF QUEEN ANNE. By William Harrison Ainsworth.
+Price Fifty cents.
+
+MYSTERIES OF THE COURT OF THE STUARTS. By Ainsworth. Being one of the
+most interesting Historical Romances ever written. One large volume.
+Price Fifty cents.
+
+DICK TURPIN.--ILLUSTRATED LIFE OF DICK TURPIN, the Highwayman, Burglar,
+Murderer, etc. Price Twenty-five cents.
+
+HENRY THOMAS.--LIFE OF HARRY THOMAS, the Western Burglar and Murderer.
+Full of Engravings. Price Twenty-five cents.
+
+DESPERADOES.--ILLUSTRATED LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF THE DESPERADOES OF THE
+NEW WORLD. Full of engravings. Price Twenty-five cents.
+
+NINON DE L'ENCLOS.--LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF NINON DE L'ENCLOS, with her
+Letters on Love, Courtship and Marriage. Illustrated. Price Twenty-five
+cents.
+
+THE PICTORIAL NEWGATE CALENDAR; or the Chronicles of Crime. Beautifully
+illustrated with Fifteen Engravings. Price Fifty cents.
+
+PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF DAVY CROCKETT. Written by himself.
+Beautifully illustrated. Price Fifty cents.
+
+LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF ARTHUR SPRING, the murderer of Mrs. Ellen Lynch
+and Mrs. Honora Shaw, with a complete history of his life and misdeeds,
+from the time of his birth until he was hung. Illustrated with
+portraits. Price Twenty-five cents.
+
+JACK ADAMS.--PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF JACK ADAMS; the celebrated
+Sailor and Mutineer. By Captain Chamier, author of "The Spitfire." Full
+of illustrations. Price Fifty cents.
+
+GRACE O'MALLEY.--PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF GRACE O'MALLEY. By
+William H. Maxwell, author of "Wild Sports in the West." Price Fifty
+cents.
+
+THE PIRATE'S SON. A Sea Novel of great interest. Full of beautiful
+illustrations. Price Twenty-five cents.
+
+
+ALEXANDER DUMAS' WORKS.
+
+THE IRON MASK, OR THE FEATS AND ADVENTURES OF RAOULE DE BRAGELONNE.
+Being the conclusion of "The Three Guardsmen," "Twenty Years After," and
+"Bragelonne." By Alexandre Dumas. Complete in two large volumes, of 420
+octavo pages, with beautifully Illustrated Covers, Portraits, and
+Engravings. Price One Dollar.
+
+LOUISE LA VALLIERE; OR THE SECOND SERIES AND FINAL END OF THE IRON MASK.
+By Alexandre Dumas. This work is the final end of "The Three Guardsmen,"
+"Twenty Years After," "Bragelonne," and "The Iron Mask," and is of far
+more interesting and absorbing interest, than any of its predecessors.
+Complete in two large octavo volumes of over 400 pages, printed on the
+best of paper, beautifully illustrated. It also contains correct
+Portraits of "Louise La Valliere," and "The Hero of the Iron Mask."
+Price One Dollar.
+
+THE MEMOIRS OF A PHYSICIAN; OR THE SECRET HISTORY OF LOUIS THE
+FIFTEENTH. By Alexandre Dumas. It is beautifully embellished with thirty
+engravings, which illustrate the principal scenes and characters of the
+different heroines throughout the work. Complete in two large octavo
+volumes. Price One Dollar.
+
+THE QUEEN'S NECKLACE: OR THE SECRET HISTORY OF THE COURT OF LOUIS THE
+SIXTEENTH. A Sequel to the Memoirs of a Physician. By Alexandre Dumas.
+It is beautifully illustrated with portraits of the heroines of the
+work. Complete in two large octavo volumes of over 400 pages. Price One
+Dollar.
+
+SIX YEARS LATER; OR THE TAKING OF THE BASTILE. By Alexandre Dumas. Being
+the continuation of "The Queen's Necklace; or the Secret History of the
+Court of Louis the Sixteenth," and "Memoirs of a Physician." Complete in
+one large octavo volume. Price Seventy-five cents.
+
+COUNTESS DE CHARNY; OR THE FALL OF THE FRENCH MONARCHY. By Alexandre
+Dumas. This work is the final conclusion of the "Memoirs of a
+Physician," "The Queen's Necklace," and "Six Years Later, or Taking of
+the Bastile." All persons who have not read Dumas in this, his greatest
+and most instructive production, should begin at once, and no pleasure
+will be found so agreeable, and nothing in novel form so useful and
+absorbing. Complete in two volumes, beautifully illustrated. Price One
+Dollar.
+
+DIANA OF MERIDOR; THE LADY OF MONSOREAU; or France in the Sixteenth
+Century. By Alexandre Dumas. An Historical Romance. Complete in two
+large octavo volumes of 538 pages, with numerous illustrative
+engravings. Price One Dollar.
+
+ISABEL OF BAVARIA; or the Chronicles of France for the reign of Charles
+the Sixth. Complete in one fine octavo volume of 211 pages, printed on
+the finest white paper. Price Fifty cents.
+
+EDMOND DANTES. Being the sequel to Dumas' celebrated novel of the Count
+of Monte Cristo. With elegant illustrations. Complete in one large
+octavo volume of over 200 pages. Price Fifty cents.
+
+THE CORSICAN BROTHERS. This work has already been dramatized, and is now
+played in all the theatres of Europe and in this country, and it is
+exciting an extraordinary interest. Price Twenty-five cents.
+
+SKETCHES IN FRANCE. By Alexandre Dumas. It is as good a book as
+Thackeray's Sketches in Ireland. Dumas never wrote a better book. It is
+the most delightful book of the season. Price Fifty cents.
+
+GENEVIEVE, OR THE CHEVALIER OF THE MAISON ROUGE. By Alexandre Dumas. An
+Historical Romance of the French Revolution. Complete in one large
+octavo volume of over 200 pages, with numerous illustrative engravings.
+Price Fifty cents.
+
+
+GEORGE LIPPARD'S WORKS.
+
+WASHINGTON AND HIS GENERALS; or, Legends of the American Revolution.
+Complete in two large octavo volumes of 538 pages, printed on the finest
+white paper. Price One Dollar.
+
+THE QUAKER CITY; or, the Monks of Monk Hall. A Romance of Philadelphia
+Life, Mystery and Crime. Illustrated with numerous Engravings. Complete
+in two large octavo volumes of 500 pages. Price One Dollar.
+
+THE LADYE OF ALBARONE; or, the Poison Goblet. A Romance of the Dark
+Ages. Lippard's Last Work, and never before published. Complete in one
+large octavo volume. Price Seventy-five cents.
+
+PAUL ARDENHEIM; the Monk of Wissahickon. A Romance of the Revolution.
+Illustrated with numerous engravings. Complete in, two large octavo
+volumes, of nearly 600 pages. Price One Dollar.
+
+BLANCHE OF BRANDYWINE; or, September the Eleventh, 1777. A Romance of
+the Poetry, Legends, and History of the Battle of Brandywine. It makes a
+large octavo volume of 350 pages, printed on the finest white paper.
+Price Seventy-five cents.
+
+LEGENDS OF MEXICO; or, Battles of General Zachary Taylor, late President
+of the United States. Complete in one octavo volume of 128 pages. Price
+Twenty-five cents.
+
+THE NAZARENE; or, the Last of the Washingtons. A Revelation of
+Philadelphia, New York, and Washington, in the year 1844. Complete in
+one volume. Price Fifty cents.
+
+
+B. D'ISRAELI'S NOVELS.
+
+VIVIAN GREY. By B. D'Israeli, M. P. Complete in one large octavo volume
+of 225 pages. Price Fifty cents.
+
+THE YOUNG DUKE; or the younger days of George the Fourth. By B.
+D'Israeli, M. P. One octavo volume. Price Thirty-eight cents.
+
+VENETIA; or, Lord Byron and his Daughter. By B. D'Israeli, M. P.
+Complete in one large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents.
+
+HENRIETTA TEMPLE. A Love Story. By B. D'Israeli, M. P. Complete in one
+large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents.
+
+CONTARINA FLEMING. An Autobiography. By B. D'Israeli, M. P. One volume,
+octavo. Price Thirty-eight cents.
+
+MIRIAM ALROY. A Romance of the Twelfth Century. By B. D'Israeli, M. P.
+One volume octavo. Price Thirty-eight cents.
+
+
+EMERSON BENNETT'S WORKS.
+
+CLARA MORELAND. This is a powerfully written romance. The characters are
+boldly drawn, the plot striking, the incidents replete with thrilling
+interest, and the language and descriptions natural and graphic, as are
+all of Mr. Bennett's Works. 330 pages. Price 50 cents in paper cover, or
+One Dollar in cloth, gilt.
+
+VIOLA; OR, ADVENTURES IN THE FAR SOUTH-WEST. Complete in one large
+volume. Price 50 cents in paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt.
+
+THE FORGED WILL. Complete in one large volume, of over 300 pages, paper
+cover, price 50 cents; or bound in cloth, gilt, price $1 00.
+
+KATE CLARENDON; OR, NECROMANCY IN THE WILDERNESS. Price 50 cents in
+paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt.
+
+BRIDE OF THE WILDERNESS. Complete in one large volume. Price 50 cents in
+paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt.
+
+THE PIONEER'S DAUGHTER; and THE UNKNOWN COUNTESS. By Emerson Bennett.
+Price 50 cents.
+
+HEIRESS OF BELLEFONTE: and WALDE-WARREN. A Tale of Circumstantial
+Evidence. By Emerson Bennett. Price 50 cents.
+
+ELLEN NORBURY; OR, THE ADVENTURES OF AN ORPHAN. Complete in one large
+volume, price 50 cents in paper cover, or in cloth gilt, $1 00.
+
+
+MISS LESLIE'S NEW COOK BOOK.
+
+MISS LESLIE'S NEW RECEIPTS FOR COOKING. Comprising new and approved
+methods of preparing all kinds of soups, fish, oysters, terrapins,
+turtle, vegetables, meats, poultry, game, sauces, pickles, sweet meats,
+cakes, pies, puddings, confectionery, rice, Indian meal preparations of
+all kinds, domestic liquors, perfumery, remedies, laundry-work,
+needle-work, letters, additional receipts, etc. Also, list of articles
+suited to go together for breakfasts, dinners, and suppers, and much
+useful information and many miscellaneous subjects connected with
+general house-wifery. It is an elegantly printed duodecimo volume of 520
+pages; and in it there will be found _One Thousand and Eleven new
+Receipts_--all useful--some ornamental--and all invaluable to every
+lady, miss, or family in the world. This work has had a very extensive
+sale, and many thousand copies have been sold, and the demand is
+increasing yearly, being the most complete work of the kind published in
+the world, and also the latest and best, as, in addition to Cookery, its
+receipts for making cakes and confectionery are unequalled by any other
+work extant. New edition, enlarged and improved, and handsomely bound.
+Price One Dollar a copy only. This is the only new Cook Book by Miss
+Leslie.
+
+
+GEORGE SANDS' WORKS.
+
+FIRST AND TRUE LOVE. A True Love Story. By George Sand, author of
+"Consuelo," "Indiana," etc. It is one of the most charming and
+interesting works ever published. Illustrated. Price 50 cents.
+
+INDIANA. By George Sand, author of "First and True Love," etc. A very
+bewitching and interesting work. Price 50 cents.
+
+THE CORSAIR. A Venetian Tale. Price 25 cents.
+
+
+HUMOROUS AMERICAN WORKS.
+
+WITH ORIGINAL ILLUSTRATIONS BY DARLEY AND OTHERS, AND BEAUTIFULLY
+ILLUMINATED COVERS.
+
+We have just published new and beautiful editions of the following
+HUMOROUS AMERICAN WORKS. They are published in the best possible style,
+full of original Illustrations, by Darley, descriptive of all the best
+scenes in each work, with Illuminated Covers, with new and beautiful
+designs on each, and are printed on the finest and best of white paper.
+There are no works to compare with them in point of wit and humor, in
+the whole world. The price of each work is Fifty cents only.
+
+THE FOLLOWING ARE THE NAMES OF THE WORKS.
+
+MAJOR JONES' COURTSHIP: detailed, with other Scenes, Incidents, and
+Adventures, in a Series of Letters, by himself. With Thirteen
+Illustrations from designs by Darley. Price Fifty cents.
+
+DRAMA IN POKERVILLE: the Bench and Bar of Jurytown, and other Stories.
+By "Everpoint," (J. M. Field, of the St. Louis Reveille.) With
+Illustrations from designs by Darley. Fifty cents.
+
+CHARCOAL SKETCHES, or, Scenes in the Metropolis. By Joseph C. Neal,
+author of "Peter Ploddy," "Misfortunes of Peter Faber," etc. With
+Illustrations. Price Fifty cents.
+
+YANKEE AMONGST THE MERMAIDS, and other Waggeries and Vagaries. By W. E.
+Burton, Comedian. With Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents.
+
+MISFORTUNES OF PETER FABER, and other Sketches. By the author of
+"Charcoal Sketches." With Illustrations by Darley and others. Price
+Fifty cents.
+
+MAJOR JONES' SKETCHES OF TRAVEL, comprising the Scenes, Incidents, and
+Adventures in his Tour from Georgia to Canada. With Eight Illustrations
+from Designs by Darley. Price Fifty cents.
+
+STREAKS OF SQUATTER LIFE, and Far West Scenes. A Series of humorous
+Sketches, descriptive of Incidents and Character in the Wild West. By
+the author of "Major Jones' Courtship," "Swallowing Oysters Alive," etc.
+With Illustrations from designs by Darley, Price Fifty cents.
+
+QUARTER RACE IN KENTUCKY, AND OTHER STORIES. By W. T. Porter, Esq., of
+the New York Spirit of the Times. With Eight Illustrations and designs
+by Darley. Complete in one volume. Price Fifty cents.
+
+SIMON SUGGS.--ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN SIMON SUGGS, late of the Tallapoosa
+Volunteers, together with "Taking the Census," and other Alabama
+Sketches. By a Country Editor. With a Portrait from Life, and Nine other
+Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents.
+
+RIVAL BELLES. By J. B. Jones, author of "Wild Western Scenes," etc. This
+is a very humorous and entertaining work, and one that will be
+recommended by all after reading it. Price Fifty cents.
+
+YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. By Sam Slick, alias Judge Haliburton.
+Full of the drollest humor that has ever emanated from the pen of any
+author. Every page will set you in a roar. Price Fifty cents.
+
+LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF COL. VANDERBOMB, AND THE EXPLOITS OF HIS PRIVATE
+SECRETARY. By J. B. Jones, author of "The Rival Belles," "Wild Western
+Scenes," etc. Price Fifty cents.
+
+BIG BEAR OF ARKANSAS, and other Sketches, illustrative of Characters and
+Incidents in the South and South-West. Edited by Wm. T. Porter. With
+Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents.
+
+MAJOR JONES' CHRONICLES OF PINEVILLE; embracing Sketches of Georgia
+Scenes, Incidents, and Characters. By the author of "Major Jones'
+Courtship," etc. With Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents.
+
+LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF PERCIVAL MABERRY. By J. H. Ingraham. It will
+interest and please everybody. All who enjoy a good laugh should get it
+at once. Price Fifty cents.
+
+FRANK FORESTER'S QUORNDON HOUNDS; or, A Virginian at Melton Mowbray. By
+H. W. Herbert, Esq. With Illustrations. Price Fifty cents.
+
+PICKINGS FROM THE PORTFOLIO OF THE REPORTER OF THE "NEW ORLEANS
+PICAYUNE." Comprising Sketches of the Eastern Yankee, the Western
+Hoosier, and such others as make up society in the great Metropolis of
+the South. With Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents.
+
+FRANK FORESTER'S SHOOTING BOX. By the author of "The Quorndon Hounds,"
+"The Deer Stalkers," etc. With Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty
+cents.
+
+STRAY SUBJECTS ARRESTED AND BOUND OVER; being the Fugitive Offspring of
+the "Old Un" and the "Young Un," that have been "Laying Around Loose,"
+and are now "tied up" for fast keeping. With Illustrations by Darley.
+Price Fifty cents.
+
+FRANK FORESTER'S DEER STALKERS; a Tale of Circumstantial evidence. By
+the author of "My Shooting Box," "The Quorndon Hounds," etc. With
+Illustrations. Price Fifty cents.
+
+ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN FARRAGO. By Hon. H. H. Brackenridge. For Sixteen
+years one of the Judges of the Supreme Court of the State of
+Pennsylvania. With Illustrations from designs by Darley. Price Fifty
+cents.
+
+THE CHARMS OF PARIS; or, Sketches of Travel and Adventures by Night and
+Day, of a Gentleman of Fortune and Leisure. From his private journal.
+Price Fifty cents.
+
+PETER PLODDY, and other oddities. By the author of "Charcoal Sketches,"
+"Peter Faber," &c. With Illustrations from original designs, by Darley.
+Price Fifty cents.
+
+WIDOW RUGBY'S HUSBAND, a Night at the Ugly Man's, and other Tales of
+Alabama. By author of "Simon Suggs." With original Illustrations. Price
+Fifty cents.
+
+MAJOR O'REGAN'S ADVENTURES. By Hon. H. H. Brackenridge. With
+Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents.
+
+SOL. SMITH; THEATRICAL APPRENTICESHIP AND ANECDOTAL RECOLLECTIONS OF
+SOL. SMITH, Esq., Comedian, Lawyer, etc. Illustrated by Darley.
+Containing Early Scenes, Wanderings in the West, Cincinnati in Early
+Life, etc. Price Fifty cents.
+
+SOL. SMITH'S NEW BOOK; THE THEATRICAL JOURNEY-WORK AND ANECDOTAL
+RECOLLECTIONS OF SOL. SMITH, Esq., with a portrait of Sol. Smith. It
+comprises a Sketch of the second Seven years of his professional life,
+together with some Sketches of Adventure in after years. Price Fifty
+cents.
+
+POLLY PEABLOSSOM'S WEDDING, and other Tales. By the author of "Major
+Jones' Courtship," "Streaks of Squatter Life," etc. Price Fifty cents.
+
+FRANK FORESTER'S WARWICK WOODLANDS; or, Things as they were Twenty Years
+Ago. By the author of "The Quorndon Hounds," "My Shooting Box," "The
+Deer Stalkers," etc. With Illustrations, illuminated. Price Fifty cents.
+
+LOUISIANA SWAMP DOCTOR. By Madison Tensas, M. D., Ex. V. P. M. S. U. Ky.
+Author of "Cupping on the Sternum." With Illustrations by Darley. Price
+Fifty cents.
+
+NEW ORLEANS SKETCH BOOK, by "Stahl," author of the "Portfolio of a
+Southern Medical Student." With Illustrations from designs by Darley.
+Price Fifty cents.
+
+
+FRENCH, GERMAN, SPANISH, LATIN, AND ITALIAN LANGUAGES.
+
+Any person unacquainted with either of the above languages, can, with
+the aid of these works, be enabled to _read_, _write_ and _speak_ the
+language of either, without the aid of a teacher or any oral instruction
+whatever, provided they pay strict attention to the instructions laid
+down in each book, and that nothing shall be passed over, without a
+thorough investigation of the subject it involves: by doing which they
+will be able to _speak_, _read_ or _write_ either language, at their
+will and pleasure. Either of these works is invaluable to any persons
+wishing to learn these languages, and are worth to any one One Hundred
+times their cost. These works have already run through several large
+editions in this country, for no person ever buys one without
+recommending it to his friends.
+
+    FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER. In Six Easy Lessons.
+      GERMAN WITHOUT A MASTER. In Six Easy Lessons.
+        SPANISH WITHOUT A MASTER. In Four Easy Lessons.
+          ITALIAN WITHOUT A MASTER. In Five Easy Lessons.
+            LATIN WITHOUT A MASTER. In Six Easy Lessons.
+
+Price of either of the above Works, separate, 25 cents each--or the
+whole five may be had for One Dollar, and will be sent _free of postage_
+to any one on their remitting that amount to the publisher, in a
+letter.
+
+
+WORKS BY THE BEST AUTHORS.
+
+FLIRTATIONS IN AMERICA; OR HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. A capital book. 285
+pages. Price 50 cents.
+
+DON QUIXOTTE.--ILLUSTRATED LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF DON QUIXOTTE DE LA
+MANCHA, and his Squire Sancho Panza, with all the original notes. 300
+pages. Price 75 cents.
+
+WILD SPORTS IN THE WEST. By W. H. Maxwell, author of "Pictorial Life and
+Adventures of Grace O'Malley." Price 50 cents.
+
+THE ROMISH CONFESSIONAL; or, the Auricular Confession and Spiritual
+direction of the Romish Church. Its History, Consequences, and policy of
+the Jesuits. By M. Michelet. Price 50 cents.
+
+GENEVRA; or, the History of a Portrait. By Miss Fairfield, one of the
+best writers in America. 200 pages. Price 50 cents.
+
+WILD OATS SOWN ABROAD; OR, ON AND OFF SOUNDINGS. It is the Private
+Journal of a Gentleman of Leisure and Education, and of a highly
+cultivated mind, in making the tour of Europe. It shows up all the High
+and Low Life to be found in all the fashionable resorts in Paris. Price
+50 cents in paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt.
+
+SALATHIEL; OR, THE WANDERING JEW. By Rev. George Croly. One of the best
+and most world-wide celebrated books that has ever been printed. Price
+50 cents.
+
+LLORENTE'S HISTORY OF THE INQUISITION IN SPAIN. Only edition published
+in this country. Price 50 cents; or handsomely bound in muslin, gilt,
+price 75 cents.
+
+DR. HOLLICK'S NEW BOOK. ANATOMY AND PHYSIOLOGY, with a large dissected
+plate of the Human Figure, colored to Life. By the celebrated Dr.
+Hollick, author of "The Family Physician," "Origin of Life," etc. Price
+One Dollar.
+
+DR. HOLLICK'S FAMILY PHYSICIAN; OR, THE TRUE ART OF HEALING THE SICK. A
+book that should be in the house of every family. It is a perfect
+treasure. Price 25 cents.
+
+MYSTERIES OF THREE CITIES. Boston, New York, and Philadelphia. Revealing
+the secrets of society in these various cities. All should read it. By
+A. J. H. Duganne. 200 pages. Price 50 cents.
+
+RED INDIANS OF NEWFOUNDLAND. A beautifully illustrated Indian Story, by
+the author of the "Prairie Bird." Price 50 cents.
+
+HARRIS'S ADVENTURES IN AFRICA. This book is a rich treat. Two volumes.
+Price One Dollar, or handsomely bound, $1 50.
+
+THE PETREL; OR, LOVE ON THE OCEAN. A sea novel equal to the best. By
+Admiral Fisher. 200 pages. Price 50 cents.
+
+ARISTOCRACY, OR LIFE AMONG THE "UPPER TEN." A true novel of fashionable
+life. By J. A. Nunes, Esq. Price 50 cents.
+
+THE CABIN AND PARLOR. By J. Thornton Randolph. It is beautifully
+illustrated. Price 50 cents in paper cover; or a finer edition, printed
+on thicker and better paper, and handsomely bound in muslin, gilt, is
+published for One Dollar.
+
+LIFE IN THE SOUTH. A companion to "Uncle Tom's Cabin." By C. H. Wiley.
+Beautifully illustrated from original designs by Darley. Price 50
+cents.
+
+SKETCHES IN IRELAND. By William M. Thackeray, author of "Vanity Fair,"
+"History of Pendennis," etc. Price 50 cents.
+
+THE ROMAN TRAITOR; OR, THE DAYS OF CATALINE AND CICERO. By Henry William
+Herbert. This is one of the most powerful Roman stories in the English
+language, and is of itself sufficient to stamp the writer as a powerful
+man. Complete in two large volumes, of over 250 pages each, paper cover,
+price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth, for $1 25.
+
+THE LADY'S WORK-TABLE BOOK. Full of plates, designs, diagrams, and
+illustrations to learn all kinds of needlework. A work every Lady should
+possess. Price 50 cents in paper cover; or bound in crimson cloth, gilt,
+for 75 cents.
+
+THE COQUETTE. One of the best books ever written. One volume, octavo,
+over 200 pages. Price 50 cents.
+
+WHITEFRIARS; OR, THE DAYS OF CHARLES THE SECOND. An Historical Romance.
+Splendidly illustrated with original designs, by Chapin. It is the best
+historical romance published for years. Price 50 cents.
+
+WHITEHALL; OR, THE TIMES OF OLIVER CROMWELL. By the author of
+"Whitefriars." It is a work which, for just popularity and intensity of
+interest, has not been equalled since the publication of "Waverly."
+Beautifully illustrated. Price 50 cents.
+
+THE SPITFIRE. A Nautical Romance. By Captain Chamier, author of "Life
+and Adventures of Jack Adams." Illustrated. Price 50 cents.
+
+UNCLE TOM'S CABIN AS IT IS. One large volume, illustrated, bound in
+cloth. Price $1 25.
+
+FATHER CLEMENT. By Grace Kennady, author of "Dunallen," "Abbey of
+Innismoyle," etc. A beautiful book. Price 50 cents.
+
+THE ABBEY OF INNISMOYLE. By Grace Kennady, author of "Father Clement."
+Equal to any of her former works. Price 25 cents.
+
+THE FORTUNE HUNTER; a novel of New York society, Upper and Lower Tendom.
+By Mrs. Anna Cora Mowatt. Price 38 cents.
+
+POCKET LIBRARY OF USEFUL KNOWLEDGE. New and enlarged edition, with
+numerous engravings. Twenty thousand copies sold. We have never seen a
+volume embracing any thing like the same quantity of useful matter. The
+work is really a treasure. It should speedily find its way into every
+family. It also contains a large and entirely new Map of the United
+States, with full page portraits of the Presidents of the United States,
+from Washington until the present time, executed in the finest style of
+the art. Price 50 cents a copy only.
+
+HENRY CLAY'S PORTRAIT. Nagle's correct, full length Mezzotinto Portrait,
+and only true likeness ever published of the distinguished Statesman.
+Engraved by Sartain. Size, 22 by 30 inches. Price $1 00 a copy only.
+Originally sold at $5 00 a copy.
+
+THE MISER'S HEIR; OR, THE YOUNG MILLIONAIRE. A story of a Guardian and
+his Ward. A prize novel. By P. H. Myers, author of the "Emigrant
+Squire." Price 50 cents in paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt.
+
+THE TWO LOVERS. A Domestic Story. It is a highly interesting and
+companionable book, conspicuous for its purity of sentiment--its graphic
+and vigorous style--its truthful delineations of character--and deep and
+powerful interest of its plot. Price 38 cents.
+
+ARRAH NEIL. A novel by G. P. R. James. Price 50 cents.
+
+SIEGE OF LONDONDERRY. A History of the Siege of Londonderry, and Defence
+of Enniskillen, in 1688 and 1689, by the Rev. John Graham. Price 37
+cents.
+
+VICTIMS OF AMUSEMENTS. By Martha Clark, and dedicated by the author to
+the Sabbath Schools of the land. One vol., cloth, 38 cents.
+
+FREAKS OF FORTUNE; or, The Life and Adventures of Ned Lorn. By the
+author of "Wild Western Scenes." One volume, cloth. Price One Dollar.
+
+
+WORKS AT TWENTY-FIVE CENTS EACH.
+
+GENTLEMAN'S SCIENCE OF ETIQUETTE, AND GUIDE TO SOCIETY. By Count Alfred
+D'Orsay. With a portrait of Count D'Orsay. Price 25 cents.
+
+LADIES' SCIENCE OF ETIQUETTE. By Countess de Calabrella, with her
+full-length portrait. Price 25 cents.
+
+ELLA STRATFORD; OR, THE ORPHAN CHILD. By the Countess of Blessington. A
+charming and entertaining work. Price 25 cents.
+
+GHOST STORIES. Full of illustrations. Being a Wonderful Book. Price 25
+cents.
+
+ADMIRAL'S DAUGHTER. By Mrs. Marsh, author of "Ravenscliffe." One volume,
+octavo. Price 25 cents.
+
+THE MONK. A Romance. By Matthew G. Lewis, Esq., M. P. All should read
+it. Price 25 cents.
+
+DIARY OF A PHYSICIAN. Second Series. By S. C. Warren, author of "Ten
+Thousand a Year." Illustrated. Price 25 cents.
+
+ABEDNEGO, THE MONEY LENDER. By Mrs. Gore. Price 25 cents.
+
+MADISON'S EXPOSITION OF THE AWFUL CEREMONIES OF ODD FELLOWSHIP, with 20
+plates. Price 25 cents.
+
+GLIDDON'S ANCIENT EGYPT, HER MONUMENTS, HIEROGLYPHICS, HISTORY, ETC.
+Full of plates. Price 25 cents.
+
+BEAUTIFUL FRENCH GIRL; or the Daughter of Monsieur Fontanbleu. Price 25
+cents.
+
+MYSTERIES OF BEDLAM; OR, ANNALS OF THE LONDON MAD-HOUSE. Price 25 cents.
+
+JOSEPHINE. A Story of the Heart, By Grace Aguilar, author of "Home
+Influence," "Mother's Recompense," etc. Price 25 cents.
+
+EVA ST. CLAIR; AND OTHER TALES. By G. P. R. James, Esq., author of
+"Richelieu." Price 25 cents.
+
+AGNES GREY: AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY. By the author of "Jane Eyre," "Shirley,"
+etc. Price 25 cents.
+
+BELL BRANDON, AND THE WITHERED FIG TREE. By P. Hamilton Myers. A Three
+Hundred Dollar prize novel. Price 25 cents.
+
+KNOWLSON'S COMPLETE CATTLE, OR COW DOCTOR. Whoever owns a cow should
+have this book. Price 25 cents.
+
+KNOWLSON'S COMPLETE FARRIER, OR HORSE DOCTOR. All that own a horse
+should possess this work. Price 25 cents.
+
+THE COMPLETE KITCHEN AND FRUIT GARDENER, FOR POPULAR AND GENERAL USE.
+Price 25 cents.
+
+THE COMPLETE FLORIST; OR FLOWER GARDENER. The best in the world. Price
+25 cents.
+
+THE EMIGRANT SQUIRE. By author of "Bell Brandon." 25 cents.
+
+PHILIP IN SEARCH OF A WIFE. By the author of "Kate in Search of a
+Husband." Price 25 cents.
+
+MYSTERIES OF A CONVENT. By a noted Methodist Preacher. Price 25 cents.
+
+THE ORPHAN SISTERS. It is a tale such as Miss Austen might have been
+proud of, and Goldsmith would not have disowned. It is well told, and
+excites a strong interest. Price 25 cents.
+
+THE DEFORMED. One of the best novels ever written, and THE CHARITY
+SISTER. By Hon. Mrs. Norton. Price 25 cents.
+
+LIFE IN NEW YORK. IN DOORS AND OUT OF DOORS. By the late William Burns.
+Illustrated by Forty Engravings. Price 25 cents.
+
+JENNY AMBROSE; OR, LIFE IN THE EASTERN STATES. An excellent book. Price
+25 cents.
+
+MORETON HALL; OR, THE SPIRITS OF THE HAUNTED HOUSE. A Tale founded on
+Facts. Price 25 cents.
+
+RODY THE ROVER; OR THE RIBBON MAN. An Irish Tale. By William Carleton.
+One volume, octavo. Price 25 cents.
+
+AMERICA'S MISSION. By Rev. Charles Wadsworth. Price 25 cents.
+
+POLITICS IN RELIGION. By Rev. Charles Wadsworth. Price 12-1/2 cts.
+
+
+Professor LIEBIG'S Works on Chemistry.
+
+AGRICULTURAL CHEMISTRY. Chemistry in its application to Agriculture and
+Physiology. Price Twenty-five cents.
+
+ANIMAL CHEMISTRY. Chemistry in its application to Physiology and
+Pathology. Price Twenty-five cents.
+
+FAMILIAR LETTERS ON CHEMISTRY, and its relations to Commerce, Physiology
+and Agriculture.
+
+THE POTATO DISEASE. Researches into the motion of the Juices in the
+animal body.
+
+CHEMISTRY AND PHYSICS IN RELATION TO PHYSIOLOGY AND PATHOLOGY.
+
+T. B. PETERSON also publishes a complete edition of Professor Liebig's
+works on Chemistry, comprising the whole of the above. They are bound in
+one large royal octavo volume, in Muslin gilt. Price for the complete
+works bound in one volume, One Dollar and Fifty cents. The three last
+are not published separately from the bound volume.
+
+
+EXCELLENT SHILLING BOOKS.
+
+THE SEVEN POOR TRAVELLERS. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cts.
+
+THE SCHOOLBOY, AND OTHER STORIES. By Dickens. 12-1/2 cents.
+
+SISTER ROSE. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+CHRISTMAS CAROL. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+LIZZIE LEIGH, AND THE MINER'S DAUGHTERS. By Charles Dickens. Price
+12-1/2 cents.
+
+THE CHIMES. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+THE CRICKET ON THE HEARTH. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cts.
+
+BATTLE OF LIFE. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+HAUNTED MAN; AND THE GHOST'S BARGAIN. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2
+cents.
+
+THE YELLOW MASK. From Dickens' Household Words. Price 12-1/2 cts.
+
+A WIFE'S STORY. From Dickens' Household Words. Price 12-1/2 cts.
+
+MOTHER AND STEPMOTHER. By Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+ODD FELLOWSHIP EXPOSED. With all the Signs, Grips, Pass-words, etc.
+Illustrated. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+MORMONISM EXPOSED. Full of Engravings, and Portraits of the Twelve
+Apostles. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+THE LIFE AND DEATH OF THE REV. JOHN N. MAFFIT; with his Portrait. Price
+12-1/2 cents.
+
+REV. ALBERT BARNES ON THE MAINE LIQUOR LAW. THE THRONE OF INIQUITY; or,
+sustaining Evil by Law. A discourse in behalf of a law prohibiting the
+traffic in intoxicating drinks. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+WOMAN. DISCOURSE ON WOMAN. HER SPHERE, DUTIES, ETC. By Lucretia Mott.
+Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+EUCHRE. THE GAME OF EUCHRE, AND ITS LAWS. By a member of the Euchre Club
+of Philadelphia of Thirty Years' standing. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+DR. BERG'S ANSWER TO ARCHBISHOP HUGHES. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+DR. BERG'S LECTURE ON THE JESUITS. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+FRESH FRUITS AND VEGETABLES all the Year round, at Summer prices, and
+how to obtain and have them, with full directions. 12-1/2 cents.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+T. B. PETERSON'S Wholesale & Retail Cheap Book, Magazine, Newspaper,
+Publishing and Bookselling Establishment, is at No. 102 Chestnut Street,
+Philadelphia:
+
+From which place he will supply all orders for any books at all, no
+matter by whom published, in advance of all others, and at publishers'
+lowest cash prices. He respectfully invites Country Merchants,
+Booksellers, Pedlars, Canvassers, Agents, the Trade, Strangers in the
+City, and the public generally, to call and examine his extensive
+collection of all kinds of publications, where they will be sure to find
+all the _best, latest, and cheapest works_ published in this country or
+elsewhere, for sale very low.
+
+
+THE FORGED WILL.
+
+BY EMERSON BENNETT, AUTHOR OF "CLARA MORELAND," "VIOLA," "PIONEER'S
+DAUGHTER," ETC.
+
+THIS CELEBRATED AND BEAUTIFUL WORK is published complete in one large
+volume, of over 300 pages, paper cover, price FIFTY CENTS; or the work
+is handsomely bound in one volume, cloth, gilt, price ONE DOLLAR.
+
+ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND COPIES OF THE FORGED WILL! will be sold in a short
+time, and it will have a run and popularity second only to Uncle Tom's
+Cabin. The Press everywhere are unanimous in its praise, as being one of
+the most powerfully written works in the language.
+
+THE FORGED WILL is truly a celebrated work. It has been running through
+the columns of the Philadelphia Dollar Newspaper, where it has been
+appearing for ten weeks, and has proved itself to be one of the most
+popular nouvelettes that has ever appeared in the columns of any
+newspaper in this country. Before the fourth paper appeared, the back
+numbers, (although several thousand extra of the three former numbers
+were printed,) could not be obtained at any price, and the publishers of
+the paper were forced to issue a Supplement sheet of the first three
+papers of it, for new subscribers to their paper, which induced the
+publisher to make an arrangement with the popular author to bring it out
+in a beautiful style for the thousands that wish it in book form.
+
+If Emerson Bennett had never written his many delightful and thrilling
+stories of border life, of prairie scenes, and Indian warfare, this new
+story of the 'Forged Will' would have placed his name on the record as
+one of the best of American novelists. The scenes, principally, of this
+most captivating novel, are laid in the city of New York; and most
+glowingly the author pictures to us how the guilty may, for a time,
+escape the justice of the law, but only to feel the heavy hand of
+retribution sooner or later; how vice may, for a time, triumph over
+virtue, but only for a time; how crime may lie concealed, until its very
+security breeds exposure; how true virtue gives way to no temptation,
+but bears the ills of life with patience, hoping for a better day, and
+rejoices triumphant in the end. In short, from base hypocrisy he tears
+the veil that hides its huge deformity, and gives a true picture of life
+as it exists in the crowded city. We do cordially recommend this book
+for its excellent moral. It is one that should be circulated, for it
+_must_ do good.
+
+Price for the complete work, in one volume, in paper cover, Fifty Cents
+only; or a finer edition, printed on thicker and better paper, and
+handsomely bound in one volume, muslin, gilt, is published for One
+Dollar.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+T. B. PETERSON also publishes the following works by Emerson Bennett,
+either or all of which will be sent by mail, free of postage, to any
+one, on receipt of the prices annexed to them. All should send for one
+or more of them at once. No one will ever regret the money sent.
+
+CLARA MORELAND; or, Adventures in the Far South-West. By Emerson
+Bennett, author of the "The Forged Will," "Viola," etc. This has proved
+to be one of the most popular and powerful nouvelettes ever written in
+America, 336 pages. Price Fifty Cents in paper covers, or ONE DOLLAR in
+cloth, gilt.
+
+THE PIONEER'S DAUGHTER. By Emerson Bennett, author of "Clara Moreland,"
+"Forged Will," etc. Price 50 cents.
+
+WALDE-WARREN, a Tale of Circumstantial Evidence. By Emerson Bennett,
+author of "Viola," "Pioneer's Daughter," etc. Price 25 cents.
+
+VIOLA; or, Adventures in the Far South-West. By Emerson Bennett, author
+of "The Pioneer's Daughter," "Walde-Warren," etc. Price 50 cents.
+
+Copies of either edition of the above works will be sent to any person
+at all, to any part of the United States, free of postage, on their
+remitting the price of the edition they wish, to the publisher, in a
+letter, post paid. Published and for Sale by
+
+         T. B. PETERSON,
+  No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.
+
+
+VIOLA; OR, ADVENTURES IN THE FAR SOUTH-WEST.
+
+BY EMERSON BENNETT, AUTHOR OF "CLARA MORELAND," "FORGED WILL," "KATE
+CLARENDON," "BRIDE OF THE WILDERNESS," "WALDE-WARREN," "PIONEER'S
+DAUGHTER," ETC., ETC.
+
+READ THE FOLLOWING OPINIONS OF THE PRESS:
+
+"We have perused this work with some attention, and do not hesitate to
+pronounce it one of the very best productions of the talented author.
+The scenes are laid in Texas, and the adjoining frontier. There is not a
+page that does not glow with thrilling and interesting incident, and
+will well repay the reader for the time occupied in perusing it. The
+characters are most admirably drawn, and are perfectly natural
+throughout. We have derived so much gratification from the perusal of
+this charming novel, that we are anxious to make our readers share it
+with us; and, at the same time, to recommend it to be read by all
+persons who are fond of romantic adventures. Mr. Bennett is a spirited
+and vigorous writer, and his works deserve to be generally read; not
+only because they are well written, but that they are, in most part,
+taken from events connected with the history of our own country, from
+which much valuable information is derived, and should, therefore, have
+a double claim upon our preference, over those works where the incidents
+are gleaned from the romantic legends of old castles, and foreign
+climes. The book is printed on fine paper, and is in every way got up in
+a style highly creditable to the enterprising publisher."
+
+"It is a spirited tale of frontier life, of which 'Clara Moreland' is
+the sequel and conclusion. Mr. Bennett seems to delight in that field of
+action and adventure, where Cooper won his laurels; and which is perhaps
+the most captivating to the general mind of all the walks of fiction.
+There has been, so far, we think, a steady improvement in his style and
+stories; and his popularity, as a necessary consequence, has been and is
+increasing. One great secret of the popularity of these out-door novels,
+as we may call them, is that there is a freshness and simplicity of the
+open air and natural world about them--free from the closeness,
+intensity and artificiality of the gas-lighted world revealed in works
+that treat of the vices and dissipations of large
+cities."--_Philadelphia Saturday Evening Post._
+
+"This is one of the best productions of Mr. Bennett. The scenes are in
+and near Texas. Every page glows with thrilling interest, and the
+characters are well drawn and sustained. An interesting love plot runs
+through the book, which gives a faithful representation of life in the
+far South-West. Mr. Peterson has issued Viola in his usual neat style,
+and it is destined to have a great run."--_Clinton Tribune._
+
+"We have received the above work and found time to give it an
+examination. The scenes are laid mostly in Texas, and pictured with all
+the vividness for which the author is so celebrated. Those who are
+particularly fond of wild and romantic adventures may safely calculate
+upon finding 'Viola' suited to their taste. It is well written and
+handsomely printed."--_Daily Journal, Chicago, Ill._
+
+"It is a very interesting book. The scenes of this most exciting and
+interesting Romance are found in Texas before and during the late
+Mexican war. It is written with much spirit and pathos, and abounds in
+stirring incidents and adventures, and has an interesting and romantic
+love-plot interwoven with it; and is a faithful representation of 'Life
+in the Far South-West.' The author of 'Viola,' will rank among the most
+popular of American Novelists, and aided by the great energy and
+enterprise of his publisher, T. B. Peterson, is fast becoming a general
+favorite."--_Gazette, Rhinebeck, N. Y._
+
+"This thrilling and interesting novel--equal to anything the celebrated
+author ever wrote--has been issued in a fifty cent volume; and we would
+advise every one who wants to get the value of his money, to get the
+book. Bennett's works are the most interesting of any now
+published."--_Western Emporium, Germantown, Ohio._
+
+THIS BEAUTIFUL AND CELEBRATED WORK is published complete in one large
+volume of near 300 pages, paper cover, price FIFTY CENTS; or the work is
+handsomely bound in one volume, cloth, gilt, price SEVENTY-FIVE CENTS.
+
+Copies of either edition of the above work will be sent to any person at
+all, to any part of the United States, free of postage, on their
+remitting the price of the edition they wish, to the publisher, in a
+letter, post-paid. Published and for Sale by
+
+          T. B. PETERSON,
+No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia
+
+
+THE ROMAN TRAITOR; OR, THE DAYS OF CICERO, CATO AND CATALINE.
+
+BY HENRY WILLIAM HERBERT, AUTHOR OF "CROMWELL," "THE BROTHERS," ETC.
+
+
+READ THE FOLLOWING OPINIONS OF THE PRESS ABOUT IT.
+
+_From the Philadelphia Saturday Courier, of Sept. 10th, 1853._
+
+"This historical romance is the most powerfully wrought work which the
+indomitable genius of the author has ever produced; and is amply
+sufficient of itself to stamp the writer as a powerful man. The
+startling schemes and plots which preceded the overthrow of the great
+Roman Republic, afford ample scope for his well-practised pen, and we
+may add he has not only been fortunate in producing a work of such
+masterly pretensions, but Mr. Herbert is equally so in the good taste,
+energy, and tact of his enterprising publisher. The book is admirably
+brought out, and altogether may be set down as one of Peterson's 'great
+hits' in literature."
+
+_From the Philadelphia Daily Pennsylvanian, of Sept. 8th, 1853._
+
+"The author has made one of his happiest efforts, and given in this
+volume a tale which will stand the test of the most rigid criticism, and
+be read by all lovers of literature that embodies the true, the
+thrilling, the powerful, and the sublime. In fact, we would have thought
+it impossible to produce such a tale of the Republic in these latter
+days; but here we have it--Sergius Cataline, Cethegus, Cassius, and the
+rest of that dark band of conspirators, are here displayed in their true
+portraits. Those who have read 'Sallust' with care, will recognize the
+truthful portraiture at a glance, and see the heroes of deep and
+treacherous villainy dressed out in their proper devil-doing character.
+On the other hand, we have Cicero, the orator and true friend of the
+Commonwealth of Rome. We have also his noble contemporaries and
+coadjutors, all in this volume. Would that space permitted for a more
+extended notice, but we are compelled to forbear. One thing is
+certain--if this book contained nothing more than the story of Paullus
+Arvina, it would be a tale of thrilling interest."
+
+_From the Cleveland, Ohio, True Democrat, of Sept. 8th, 1853._
+
+"Those who have perused the former works of this distinguished author,
+will not fail to procure this book--It is a thrilling romance, and the
+characters brought forward, and the interest with which they are
+constantly invested, will insure for it a great run."
+
+_From the Philadelphia City Item, of Sept. 10th, 1853._
+
+"The Roman Traitor demands earnest commendation. It is a powerful
+production--perhaps the highest effort of the brilliant and successful
+author. A thorough historian and a careful thinker, he is well qualified
+to write learnedly of any period of the world's history. The book is
+published in tasteful style, and will adorn the centre-table."
+
+_From the Boston Evening Transcript, of Sept. 6th, 1853._
+
+"This is a powerfully written tale, filled with the thrilling incidents
+which have made the period of which it speaks one of the darkest in the
+history of the Roman Republic. The lovers of excitement will find in its
+pages ample food to gratify a taste for the darker phases of life's
+drama."
+
+_From the Philadelphia Sunday Dispatch, of Sept. 4th, 1853._
+
+"Cataline's conspiracy has been selected by Mr. Herbert as the subject
+of this story. Taking the historical incidents as recorded by the most
+authentic authors, he has woven around them a net-work of incident, love
+and romance, which is stirring and exciting. The faithful manner in
+which the author has adhered to history, and the graphic style in which
+his descriptions abound, stamp this as one of the most excellent of his
+many successful novels."
+
+Price for the complete work, in two volumes, in paper cover, One Dollar
+only; or a finer edition, printed on thicker and better paper, and
+handsomely bound in one volume, muslin, gilt, is published for One
+Dollar and Twenty-five Cents.
+
+Copies of either edition of the work will be sent to any person at all,
+to any part of the United States, free of postage, on their remitting
+the price of the edition they wish to the publisher, in a letter,
+post-paid. Published and for sale by
+
+          T. B. PETERSON,
+No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia
+
+
+THE INITIALS: A STORY OF MODERN LIFE.
+
+Complete in two vols., paper cover, Price One Dollar; or bound in one
+vol., cloth. Price One Dollar and Twenty-Five Cents a copy.
+
+T. B. PETERSON, NO. 102 CHESTNUT STREET, PHILADELPHIA, has just
+published this celebrated and world-renowned work. It will be found on
+perusal to be one of the best, as it is one of the most celebrated works
+ever published in the English language, and will live, and continue to
+be read for generations to come, and rank by the side of Sir Walter
+Scott's celebrated novels.
+
+READ THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
+
+  CHAPTER
+        I. The Letter.
+       II. The Initials
+      III. A. Z.
+       IV. A Walk of no common Description.
+        V. An Alp.
+       VI. Secularized Cloisters.
+      VII. An Excursion, and Return to the Secularized Cloisters.
+     VIII. An Alpine Party.
+       IX. Salzburg.
+        X. The Return to Munich.
+       XI. The Betrothal.
+      XII. Domestic Details.
+     XIII. A Truce.
+      XIV. A New Way to Learn German.
+       XV. The October Fete. A Lesson on Propriety of Conduct.
+      XVI. The Au Fair. The Supper.
+     XVII. Lovers' Quarrels.
+    XVIII. The Churchyard.
+      XIX. German Soup.
+       XX. The Warning.
+      XXI. The Struggle.
+     XXII. The Departure.
+    XXIII. The Long Day.
+     XXIV. The Christmas Tree, and Midnight Mass.
+      XXV. The Garret.
+     XXVI. The Discussion.
+    XXVII. The Sledge.
+   XXVIII. A Ball at the Museum Club.
+     XXIX. A Day of Freedom.
+      XXX. The Masquerade.
+     XXXI. Where is the Bridegroom?
+    XXXII. The Wedding at Troisieme.
+   XXXIII. A Change.
+    XXXIV. The Arrangement.
+     XXXV. The Difficulty Removed.
+    XXXVI. The Iron Works.
+   XXXVII. An Unexpected Meeting, and its Consequences.
+  XXXVIII. The Experiment.
+    XXXIX. The Recall.
+       XL. Hohenfels.
+      XLI. The Scheiben-Schiessen, (Target Shooting-Match.)
+     XLII. A Discourse.
+    XLIII. Another kind of Discourse.
+     XLIV. The Journey Home Commences.
+      XLV. What occurred at the Hotel D'Angle-terre in Frankfort.
+     XLVI. Halt!
+    XLVII. Conclusion.
+
+Copies of either edition of the work will be sent to any person, to any
+part of the United States, _free of postage_, on their remitting the
+price of the edition they may wish, to the publisher, in a letter.
+
+Published and for sale by T. B. PETERSON, No. 102 Chestnut St.,
+Philadelphia To whom all Orders should be addressed, post-paid.
+
+
+CLARA MORELAND.
+
+BY EMERSON BENNETT.
+
+Price Fifty Cents in Paper Cover; or, One Dollar in Cloth, Gilt.
+
+READ THE FOLLOWING OPINIONS OF THE PRESS.
+
+"This is decidedly the best novel Mr. Bennett has written. He tells his
+story well, and while leading the reader over the prairies of Texas into
+the haunts of the wild Indians, or among the equally savage bands of
+lawless men, that once were the terror of that country; he presents the
+remarkable transitions in the fortunes of his hero, in a manner which,
+though often startling, are yet within the bounds of probability. His
+dialogue is good, growing easily out of the situation and condition of
+the interlocutors, and presenting occasionally, especially in response,
+an epigrammatic poise, that is worthy of all praise. The plot abounds
+with adventure, and presents many scenes of startling interest, while
+the denouement is such as to amply satisfy the most fastidious reader's
+ideas of poetical justice. We would add a few words of praise for the
+excellent style in which this book is gotten up. It is well printed on
+good paper, and bound in a manner to correspond with the quality of its
+typography."--_Arthur's Home Gazette._
+
+"This is the best of Mr. Bennett's books. It is a brilliant and
+thrilling production, and will particularly interest all who love to
+read of life in the West and South-West. A love story runs through the
+volume, lending grace and finish to it. Mr. Peterson has issued the book
+in very handsome style; the type is new and of honest size, the binding
+is strong and pretty, the paper is firm and white, and the
+embellishments are eminently creditable. Clara Moreland should command a
+large sale."--_Philadelphia City Item._
+
+"On looking more carefully through this racy, spirited narrative of
+thrilling scenes and well-told adventures, we meet with beauties that
+escape a casual observation. Mr. Bennett is a keen discoverer of
+character, and paints his portraits so true to nature as to carry the
+reader with him through all his wild wanderings and with unabated
+interest. The author of 'Clara Moreland' takes rank among the most
+popular American novelists, and aided by the great energy of his
+publisher is fast becoming a general favorite."--_McMackin's Model
+Saturday Courier._
+
+"Emerson Bennett has written some very creditable productions. This is
+one of his longest, and is well received. Mr. Bennett is a favorite
+author with Western readers. It is illustrated and well
+printed."--_Philadelphia Dollar Newspaper._
+
+"It is a tale of wild border life and exciting incident, bustle, and
+turmoil."--_Philadelphia North American._
+
+"Mr. Bennett is, in some measure, a new man in this section of the
+universe, and, as such, our reading public are bound to give him a
+cordial greeting, not only for this, but for the sake of that
+wide-spread popularity which he has achieved in the mighty West, and
+more especially for the intrinsic excellence that distinguishes his
+glowing, brilliant productions, of which 'Clara Moreland' may be
+pronounced the best."--_Philadelphia Saturday Courier._
+
+"This work is of the most exciting character, and will be enjoyed by all
+who have a cultivated taste."--_Baltimore Sun._
+
+"The scene of this interesting Romance lies in Texas before or during
+the late war with Mexico. It is written with a great deal of spirit; it
+abounds in stirring incidents and adventures, has a good love-plot
+interwoven with it, and is in many respects a faithful representation of
+Life in the Far South-West. Mr. Bennett is destined to great popularity,
+especially at the South and West. His publisher has issued this book in
+a very handsome style."--_Philadelphia Evening Bulletin._
+
+"This is a thrilling story of frontier life, full of incident, and
+graphically sketched. It is published in a good style."--_Philadelphia
+Public Ledger._
+
+"This is a spirited narrative of stirring scenes, by Emerson Bennett.
+Those who love daring adventure and hair-breadth escapes will find it an
+engaging book."--_Detroit, Mich., Paper._
+
+"It is a thrilling narrative of South-Western adventure, illustrated by
+numerous engravings."--_Detroit, Mich., Paper._
+
+"It is a wondrous story of thrilling adventures and hair-breadth
+escapes, the scene of which is laid in the South-West. The book is
+illustrated with engravings representing some of the exciting events
+narrated by the writer."--_Detroit, Mich., Paper._
+
+"It is a work replete with stirring adventure. Romance, incident, and
+accident, are blended together so as to form a highly interesting work
+of 334 pages."--_New York Picayune._
+
+  Published and for sale by T. B. PETERSON,
+No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia
+
+
+WILD OATS SOWN ABROAD; OR, ON AND OFF SOUNDINGS,
+
+BY A GENTLEMEN OF LEISURE.
+
+A NEW AND EXQUISITELY ORIGINAL WORK.
+
+Have you read it? If not, then do so.
+
+Price Fifty Cents in Paper; or Seventy Five Cents in Cloth.
+
+Wild Oats Sown Abroad is a splendid work. It is the Private Journal of a
+Gentleman of Leisure and Education, and of a highly cultivated mind, in
+making the Tour of Europe. It is having a sale unprecedented in the
+annals of literature, for nothing equal to it in spiciness, vivacity,
+and real scenes and observations in daily travel, has ever appeared from
+the press.
+
+TABLE OF CONTENTS OF THIS EXTRAORDINARY WORK.
+
+  Opening the Journal.
+  Adventure in search of Ruin.
+  Parting Tribute to Love.
+  Three Desperate Days!
+  The Poetry of Sea-Sickness.
+  The Red Flannel Night-Cap.
+  A Ship by Moonlight.
+  Arrival in London.
+  The Parks of London.
+  Poet's Corner, Westminster Abbey.
+  England's Monuments.
+  Madame Tussaud's Wax Works.
+  The "Beauties" of Hampton Court.
+  Love and Philosophy.
+  "Love's Labor Lost."
+  A Peep at "The Shades."
+  The Modern "Aspasia."
+  Noble Plea for Matrimony.
+  The Lily on the Shore.
+  English Mother and American Daughter.
+  The "Maid of Normandie."
+  An Effecting Scene.
+  "Paris est un Artist."
+  The Guillotine.
+  "Give us Another!"
+  Post Mortem Reflections.
+  Fashionable Criticism.
+  Whiskey Punch and Logic.
+  "Shylock asks for Justice!"
+  "Lorette" and "Grisette."
+  Kissing Day.
+  The Tattoo.
+  The Masked Ball.
+  The Incognita.
+  The Charms of Paris.
+  Changing Horses.
+  A View in Lyons.
+  Avignon--Petrarch and Laura.
+  Our First Ruin.
+  The Unconscious Blessing.
+  A Crash and a Wreck.
+  The Railroad of Life.
+  A Night Adventure.
+  "The Gods take care of Cato."
+  The Triumphs of Neptune.
+  The Marquisi's Foot.
+  Beauties of Naples Bay.
+  Natural History of the Lazaroni.
+  The True Venus.
+  Love and Devotion.
+  The Mortality of Pompeii.
+  Procession of the Host.
+  The Ascent of Vesuvius.
+  The Mountain Emetic.
+  The Human Projectile.
+  The City of the Soul.
+  The Coup de Main.
+  Night in the Coliseum!
+  Catholicity Considered.
+  Power Passing Away!
+  Byron Among the Ruins.
+  A Gossip with the Artists.
+  Speaking Gems.
+  "Weep for Adonis!"
+  The Lady and the God.
+  The Science of Psalmistry.
+  "Sour Grapes."
+  A Ramble about Tivoli.
+  Illumination of St. Peter's.
+  The "Niobe of Nations."
+  A Ghostly Scene!
+  "Honi soit qui mal y pense."
+  A "Ball" without Music.
+  Abelard and Heloise.
+  Scenes on the Road.
+  The "Tug of War."
+  "There they are, by Jove!"
+  The Raven-Haired One!
+  Heaven and Hell!
+  The "Hamlet" of Sculpture.
+  The Modern Susannah.
+  Hey, Presto! Change!
+  The Death Scene of Cleopatra.
+  An Eulogy on Tuscany.
+  A Real Claude Sunset.
+  Tasso and Byron.
+  The Shocking Team!
+  Floatings in Venice.
+  The Venetian Girls.
+  The Bell-Crowned Hat!
+  The "Lion's Mouth."
+  The "Bridge of Sighs!"
+  A Subterranean Fete!
+  Byron and Moore in Venice.
+  Diana and Endymion.
+  The Pinch of Snuff.
+  The Rock-Crystal Coffin!
+  Eccentricity of Art.
+  Thoughts in a Monastery.
+  The Lake of Como.
+  Immortal Drummer Boy.
+  Wit, and its Reward!
+  The Cold Bath.
+  "Here we are!"
+  The Mountain Expose.
+  The "Last Rose of Summer."
+  Waking the Echoes.
+  Watching the Avalanche.
+  A Beautiful Incident.
+  A Shot with the Long Bow.
+  Mt. Blanc and a full stop.
+
+Price for the complete work, in paper cover, Fifty cents a copy only; or
+handsomely bound in muslin, gilt, for Seventy-Five cents.
+
+Copies of either edition of the work will be sent to any person at all,
+to any part of the United States, free of postage, on their remitting
+the price of the edition they wish, to the publisher, in a letter, post
+paid.
+
+  Published and for sale by T. B. PETERSON,
+No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia
+
+
+T. B. PETERSON'S WHOLESALE AND RETAIL
+
+Cheap Book, Magazine, Newspaper, Publishing and Bookselling
+Establishment, is at No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.
+
+T. B. PETERSON has the satisfaction to announce to the public, that he
+has removed to the new and spacious BROWN STONE BUILDING, NO. 102
+CHESTNUT STREET, just completed by the city authorities on the Girard
+Estate, known as the most central and best situation in the city of
+Philadelphia. As it is the Model Book Store of the Country, we will
+describe it: It is the largest, most spacious, and best arranged Retail
+and Wholesale Cheap Book and Publishing Establishment in the United
+States. It is built, by the Girard Estate, of Connecticut sand-stone, in
+a richly ornamental style. The whole front of the lower story, except
+that taken up by the doorway, is occupied by two large plate glass
+windows, a single plate to each window, costing together over three
+thousand dollars. On entering and looking up, you find above you a
+ceiling sixteen feet high; while, on gazing before, you perceive a vista
+of One Hundred and Fifty-Seven feet. The retail counters extend back for
+eighty feet, and, being double, afford counter-room of One Hundred and
+Sixty feet in length. There is also _over Three Thousand feet of
+shelving in the retail part of the store alone_. This part is devoted to
+the retail business, and as it is the most spacious in the country,
+furnishes also the best and largest assortment of all kinds of books to
+be found in the country. It is fitted up in the most superb style; the
+shelvings are all painted in Florence white, with gilded cornices for
+the book shelves.
+
+Behind the retail part of the store, at about ninety feet from the
+entrance, is the counting-room, twenty feet square, railed neatly off,
+and surmounted by a most beautiful dome of stained glass. In the rear of
+this is the wholesale and packing department, extending a further
+distance of about sixty feet, with desks and packing counters for the
+establishment, etc., etc. All goods are received and shipped from the
+back of the store, having a fine avenue on the side of Girard Bank for
+the purpose, leading out to Third Street, so as not to interfere with
+and block up the front of the store on Chestnut Street. The cellar, of
+the entire depth of the store, is filled with printed copies of Mr.
+Peterson's own publications, printed from his own stereotype plates, of
+which he generally keeps on hand an edition of a thousand each, making a
+stock, of his own publications alone, of over three hundred thousand
+volumes, constantly on hand.
+
+T. B. PETERSON is warranted in saying, that he is able to offer such
+inducements to the Trade, and all others, to favor him with their
+orders, as cannot be excelled by any book establishment in the country.
+In proof of this, T. B. PETERSON begs leave to refer to his great
+facilities of getting stock of all kinds, his dealing direct with all
+the Publishing Houses in the country, and also to his own long list of
+Publications, consisting of the best and most popular productions of the
+most talented authors of the United States and Great Britain, and to his
+very extensive stock, embracing every work, new or old, published in the
+United States.
+
+T. B. PETERSON will be most happy to supply all orders for any books at
+all, no matter by whom published, in advance of all others, and at
+publishers' lowest cash prices. He respectfully invites Country
+Merchants, Booksellers, Pedlars, Canvassers, Agents, the Trade,
+Strangers in the city, and the public generally, to call and examine his
+extensive collection of cheap and standard publications of all kinds,
+comprising a most magnificent collection of CHEAP BOOKS, MAGAZINES,
+NOVELS, STANDARD and POPULAR WORKS of all kinds, BIBLES, PRAYER BOOKS,
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+
+Project Gutenberg's The Humors of Falconbridge, by Jonathan F. Kelley
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Humors of Falconbridge
+       A Collection of Humorous and Every Day Scenes
+
+Author: Jonathan F. Kelley
+
+Release Date: November 15, 2009 [EBook #30480]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Irma Spehar, David Cortesi and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class='image' id='illo002'>
+
+<img src='images/illo002.png'
+	alt="Are you de man advertised for de dogs, sa-a-ay?"
+	title="Are you de man advertised for de dogs, sa-a-ay?"
+/>
+
+<p class='caption'>"Are you de man advertised for de dogs, sa-a-ay? You
+needn't be afraid o' dem; come a'here, lay down, Balty&mdash;day's de dogs,
+mister, vot you read of!" "Ain't they rather fierce," responded the
+rural sportsman, eyeing the ugly brutes. "Fierce? Better believe dey
+are&mdash;show 'em a f-f-ight, if you want to see 'em go in for de chances!
+You want to see der teeth?"&mdash;<a href="#Pg_136"><i>Page</i> 136</a>.</p>
+
+</div>
+
+<div id='titlepage' >
+<h1>
+                     <span style='font-size:100%'>THE</span><br />
+
+            <span style='font-size:200%'>HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE:</span><br />
+
+               <span style='font-size:90%'>A COLLECTION OF</span><br />
+
+        <span style='font-size:125%'>HUMOROUS AND EVERY DAY SCENES.</span>
+</h1>
+<h2>
+            <span style='font-size:75%;'>BY</span><br />
+
+             JONATHAN F. KELLEY.
+</h2>
+
+<h3>                Philadelphia:<br />
+    T. B. PETERSON, No. 102 CHESTNUT STREET.
+</h3>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>      Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1856, by<br />
+
+                             T. B. PETERSON,<br />
+
+   In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, in and for the<br />
+          Eastern District of Pennsylvania.
+</p>
+<hr />
+<p>
+                         <span style="font-size:75%;">TO</span><br />
+               <span style="font-size:133%;letter-spacing:2px;">ISAAC S. CLOUGH, ESQ.,</span><br />
+                 <span style="font-size:75%;">OF MASSACHUSETTS,</span></p>
+
+    <p style="line-height:1.2em;">AS A SLIGHT TOKEN OF MY REGARDS FOR YOUR JUST<br />
+             APPRECIATION OF A GOOD THING,</p>
+
+<p>                    <span style="font-size:75%;">AS WELL AS FOR</span><br />
+
+   YOUR RARE GOOD SOCIAL WIT AND AGREEABLE QUALITIES;<br />
+
+                  <span style="font-size:75%;">AND MORE THAN ALL,</span><br />
+
+   FOR YOUR GENEROUS SPIRIT AND WELL-TESTED FRIENDSHIP,<br />
+
+                 <span style="font-size:75%;">I DO WITH SINCERE PLEASURE,</span><br />
+
+      Dedicate unto you this Volume of my Sketches.<br />
+
+                            <span style="font-size:75%;">FRATERNALLY YOURS,</span><br />
+</p>
+<p style='margin-left:8em;'>                                      FALCONBRIDGE.
+</p>
+</div>
+
+
+<h2><a name="TRANSCRIBERS_NOTE" id="TRANSCRIBERS_NOTE"></a>TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE</h2>
+
+<p>This etext differs from the original in the following ways.
+First, the work used "somehow" and "some&nbsp;how" about equally;
+these all have been changed to "somehow." Second, a number
+of minor typographical errors have been corrected. Corrected
+words are indicated by a dotted gray underline. Hover the cursor
+over them to see the original spelling
+(to find them all, search the source file for the string "&lt;ins").
+Finally, a table of illustrations has been added.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="JONATHAN_F_KELLY" id="JONATHAN_F_KELLY"></a>A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF THE LATE JONATHAN F. KELLY.</h2>
+
+
+<p>The life of a literary man offers but few points upon which even
+the pens of his professional brethren can dwell, with the hope of
+exciting interest among that large and constantly increasing class
+who have a taste for books. The career of the soldier may be
+colored by the hues of romantic adventure; the politician may
+leave a legacy to history, which it would be ingratitude not to
+notice; but what triumphs or matters of exciting moment can
+reasonably be hoped for in the short existence of one who has
+merely been a writer for the press? After death has stilled the
+pulses of a generous man such as Mr. Kelly was, it is with small
+anticipation of rendering a satisfactory return, that any one can
+undertake to sketch the principal events of his life.</p>
+
+<p>It is, perhaps, a matter for felicitation that Mr. Kelly has been
+his own autobiographer. His narratives and recitals are nearly
+all personal. They are mostly the results of his own observation
+and experience; and those who, in accordance with a practice we
+fear now too little attended to, read the Preface before the body
+of the work, will, we trust, understand that the stories in which
+"Falconbridge" claims to have been an actor, are to be received
+with as much confidence as truthful accounts, as if some Boswell
+treasured them up with care, and minutely detailed them for the
+admiration of those who should follow after him.</p>
+
+<p>Jonathan F. Kelly was born in Philadelphia, on the 14th day of
+August, A. D. 1817. Young Jonathan was, at the proper age,
+placed at school, where he acquired the rudiments of a plain
+English education, sufficient to enable him, with the practice and
+experience to be gained in the world, to improve the advantages
+derived from his tuition. He was, while yet a boy, placed for
+a time in a grocery store, and subsequently was employed by
+Lewis W. Glenn, a perfumer, whose place of business was then
+in Third street above Walnut.</p>
+
+<p>In 1837, Jonathan, being of the age of nineteen years, determined
+to go out into the world to seek adventure and fortune.
+He accordingly set out for that great region to which attention
+was then turned&mdash;the Western country. Having but slight
+means to pay the expenses of traveling, he walked nearly the
+whole of the journey. At Chillicothe, in Ohio, his wanderings
+were for a time ended. The exposure to which he had been subjected,
+caused a very severe attack of pleurisy. It happened
+most fortunately for him that a kind farmer, Mr. John A. Harris,
+pitied the boy; whose sprightliness, social accomplishments, and
+good conduct, had made a favorable impression. He was taken into
+Mr. Harris' family, and assiduously nursed during an indisposition
+which lasted more than two months. This circumstance
+appeased his roving disposition for a time, and he remained upon
+the farm of his good friend, Mr. Harris, for two years, making
+himself practically acquainted with the life and toils of an agriculturist.
+In 1839, he concluded to return to Philadelphia, where
+he remained for a time with his family. But the spirit of adventure
+returned. He connected himself with a theatrical company,
+and traveling through Delaware, Maryland, and Virginia, was
+finally checked in his career at Pittsburg, where he undertook
+the management of a hotel. This business not being congenial,
+he soon sold out the establishment, and returned to Philadelphia.
+He shortly afterwards started away on a theatrical tour, which
+extended through most of the Southern States, and into Texas.
+In this tour, Mr. Kelly went through a great variety of adventures,
+saw many strange scenes, and obtained a fund of amusing
+experience, which afterward served him to great advantage in
+his literary sketches. After having thoroughly exhausted his
+roving desires, he returned to Philadelphia, where, indeed, upon
+his previous visit, he had become subject to a new attraction,
+the most powerful which could be found to restrain his wandering
+impulses. He had become acquainted with a worthy young lady,
+to whom, upon his return, and in the year 1842, he was married.</p>
+
+<p>This union changed the thoughts and objects of Mr. Kelly.
+His wild, bachelor life was over; and he seriously considered how
+it was possible for him who had been educated to no regular business,
+to find the means of support for himself and family. Believing
+himself to have some literary capacity, he was induced to go to
+Pittsburg, in order to commence a newspaper in partnership with
+U. J. Jones. This enterprise was not a successful one, and with
+his companion he went to Cincinnati, where he enlisted in another
+newspaper speculation. The result of that attempt was equally
+unpropitious. Dissolving their interests, Mr. Kelly then removed
+with his family to New York. Here he commenced a journal devoted
+to theatrical and musical criticism, and intelligence, entitled
+"The Archer." Mr. J. W. Taylor was a partner with him in the
+publication. The twain also engaged in the fancy business, having
+a store in Broadway, above Grand street. The adventure there
+not being very successful, the partnership in that branch of their
+concern was dissolved, and Mr. Kelly commenced a book and
+periodical store nearly opposite. This was about the year 1844.
+"The Archer" was soon after discontinued, and Mr. K. returned
+to Philadelphia. About this time he commenced writing contributions
+for various newspapers, under the signature of "Falconbridge."
+His essays in this line, which were published in the
+"New York Spirit of the Times," were received with much favor,
+and widely copied by the press throughout the country. The
+reputation thus attained, was such that he found himself in a
+fair way to make a lucrative and pleasant livelihood. His
+sketches were in demand, and were readily sold, whilst the prices
+were remunerative, and enabled him to attain a degree of domestic
+comfort which he had before that time not known. From
+Philadelphia he removed to Boston, where he hoped to find permanent
+employment as an editor. During six months he relied
+upon the sale of his sketches, and again returned to New York,
+from which he was recalled by an advantageous offer from
+Paige &amp; Davis, if he would undertake the control of "The Bostonian."
+He filled the editorial chair of that paper for two years,
+when it was discontinued. He had now plenty to do, and was
+constantly engaged upon sketches for the "Yankee Blade,"
+"The N. Y. Spirit of the Times," and many other journals and
+magazines, adopting the signatures, "Falconbridge," "Jack Humphries,"
+"O. K.," "Cerro Gordo," "J. F. K.," etc. During this
+time he projected "The Aurora Borealis," which was published
+in Boston. It was really one of the most handsome and humorous
+journals ever commenced in the United States, but it was
+very expensive. After some months' trial, "The Aurora Borealis"
+was abandoned. Mr. Kelly remained in Boston as a general
+literary contributor to various journals until, in 1851, he was induced
+to undertake the management of a paper at Waltham,
+Mass., entitled "The Waltham Advocate." This enterprise,
+after six months trial, did not offer sufficient inducements to
+continue it, and Mr. Kelly returned with his family to Boston.
+Whilst in that city, he had the misfortune to lose his eldest son,
+a fine promising boy about five years and four months old; he
+died after a sickness of between two and three days. Mr. Kelly
+was a kind and excellent husband, and affectionate father. He
+doted on his child; and the loss so preyed upon his spirits, that
+it produced a brooding melancholy, which he predicted would
+eventually cause his death. After this time, General Samuel
+Houston, of Texas, made him very advantageous and liberal offers
+if he would establish himself in that State. He left Boston for
+the purpose, but was detained in Philadelphia by the sickness of
+another favorite child. Whilst thus delayed, a proposal was
+made him to undertake the editorship of "The New York Dutchman."
+He remained in that position about four months, when
+still more advantageous offers were tendered him to conduct "The
+Great West," published at Cincinnati. In September, 1854, he
+reached that city, and entered upon his duties. He continued in
+the discharge of them about four months. In the meanwhile, he
+had become associated with the American party; and induced by
+those promises which politicians make freely, and perform rarely,
+he left the journal to which he was attached, to establish a paper
+entitled "The American Platform." But two numbers of this
+effort were published. Whilst his writings were lively and flowing,
+he was sick at heart. The loss of his son still weighed on his
+mind, and he was an easy prey to pestilence. He was attacked
+by Asiatic cholera; and died on the 21st of July, 1855, after
+twenty-four hours' illness, leaving a widow and three children to
+mourn his early death. His remains were deposited in Spring
+Grove Cemetery. There rests beneath the soil of that beautiful
+garden of the dead, no form whose impulses in life were more
+honest, generous, and noble, than those which guided the actions
+of Jonathan F. Kelly.</p>
+
+<p>The writer of this short biography, who only knew Mr. Kelly by
+his literary works, and whose narrative has been made up from the
+information of friends, feels that he would scarcely discharge the
+duty he has assumed, without a few words of reflection upon the
+fitful career so slightly traced. For the useful purpose of life, it
+may well be doubted whether a dull, plodding disposition is not
+more certain of success, than lively, impulsive genius. Perseverance
+in any one calling, with a steady determination to turn
+aside for no collateral inducements, and a patience which does not
+become discouraged at the first disappointment, is necessary to
+the ultimate prosperity of every man. The newspaper business
+is one which particularly requires constant application, a determination
+to do the best in the present, and a firm reliance upon
+success in the future. There is scarcely a journal or newspaper
+in the United States, which has succeeded without passing through
+severe ordeals, whilst the slow public were determining whether
+it should be patronized, or waiting to discover whether it is likely
+to become permanently established. Mr. Kelly's wanderings in
+early life seem to have tinctured his later career with the hue of
+instability. Ever, it would seem, ready to enlist in any new enterprise,
+he was led to abandon those occupations, which, if persevered
+in, would probably have been triumphant. His life was a
+constant series of changes, in which ill-luck seems to have continually
+triumphed, because ill-luck was not sufficiently striven with.
+In all these mutations, it will be the solace of those who knew and
+loved him, that however his judgment may have led him astray
+from worldly advantage, his heart was always constant to his
+family. Affectionate and generous in disposition, he was true to
+them; and he persevered in laboring for them under every disadvantage.
+Altering his position&mdash;at times an editor&mdash;at times an
+assistant-editor&mdash;anon changing his business as new hopes were
+roused in his bosom&mdash;and then being a mere writer, depending
+upon the sale of his fugitive sketches for the means of support&mdash;in
+all these experiments with Fortune, he was ever true to the
+fond spirit which gently ruled at home. For the great purposes,
+and high moral lessons of existence, a faithful, constant heart
+has a wealth richer and more bountiful than can be bought with gold.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="CONTENTS" id="CONTENTS"></a>CONTENTS.</h2>
+
+<table style="width:90%" summary='Table of Contents'>
+<tr><td style="width:80%">&nbsp;</td><td class='r'>PAGE</td></tr>
+
+<tr><td>If it ain't Right, I'll make it all Right in the Morning,</td><td class='r'><a href="#in_the_Morning">33</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Don't you believe in 'em,</td><td class='r'><a href="#believe_in_em">37</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>The Old Black Bull,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Old_Black_Bull">38</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Dobbs makes "a Pint,"</td><td class='r'><a href="#makes_a_Pint">42</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Used up,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Used_Up">43</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>The Greatest Moral Engine,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Greatest_Moral_Engine">50</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>The Story of Capt. Paul,</td><td class='r'><a href="#of_Capt_Paul">51</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Hereditary Complaints,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Hereditary_Complaints">58</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Nights with the Caucusers,</td><td class='r'><a href="#with_the_Caucusers">59</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Affecting Cruelty,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Affecting_Cruelty">64</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>The Wolf Slayer,</td><td class='r'><a href="#The_Wolf_Slayer">65</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>The Man that knew 'em All,</td><td class='r'><a href="#knew_em_All">74</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>A severe Spell of Sickness,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Spell_of_Sickness">79</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>The Race of the Aldermen,</td><td class='r'><a href="#of_the_Aldermen">80</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Getting Square,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Getting_Square">85</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>People do differ,</td><td class='r'><a href="#People_Do_Differ">89</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Bill Whiffletree's Dental Experience,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Whiffletrees_Dental_Experience">90</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>A-a-a-in't they Thick?</td><td class='r'><a href="#A-a-a-int_they_Thick">96</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>A desperate Race,</td><td class='r'><a href="#A_Desperate_Race">101</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Dodging the Responsibility,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Dodging_the_Responsibility">107</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>A Night Adventure in Prairie Land,</td><td class='r'><a href="#in_Prairie_Land">108</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Roosting Out,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Roosting_Out">114</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Rather Twangy,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Rather_Twangy">119</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Passing around the Fodder,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Around_the_Fodder">120</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>A Hint to Soyer,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Hint_to_Soyer">123</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>The Leg of Mutton,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Leg_of_Mutton">124</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>A Chapter on Misers,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Chapter_on_Misers">129</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Dog Day,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Dog_Day">133</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Amateur Gardening,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Amateur_Gardening">138</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>The two Johns at the Tremont,</td><td class='r'><a href="#at_the_Tremont">139</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>The Yankee in a Boarding School,</td><td class='r'><a href="#a_Boarding_School">144</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>A dreadful State of Excitement,</td><td class='r'><a href="#State_of_Excitement">149</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Ralph Waldo Emerson,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Ralph_Waldo_Emerson">154</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Humbug,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Humbug">158</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Hotel keeping,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Hotel_Keeping">159</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>"According to Gunter,"</td><td class='r'><a href="#According_to_Gunter">164</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Quartering upon Friends,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Quartering_upon_Friends">165</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Jake Hinkle's Failings,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Jake_Hinkles_Failings">174</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>What's going to Happen,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Going_to_Happen">176</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>The Washerwoman's Windfall,</td><td class='r'><a href="#The_Washerwomans_Windfall">177</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>We don't Wonder at it,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Wonder_at_It">181</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Old Maguire and his Horse Bonny Doon,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Horse_Bonny_Doon">182</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Getting into the "Right Pew,"</td><td class='r'><a href="#the_Right_Pew">187</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>A circuitous Route,</td><td class='r'><a href="#A_Circuitous_Route">192</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Major Blink's first Season at Saratoga,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Season_at_Saratoga">193</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Old Jack Ringbolt,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Old_Jack_Ringbolt">198</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Who killed Capt. Walker?</td><td class='r'><a href="#Killed_Capt_Walker">199</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Practical Philosophy,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Practical_Philosophy">203</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Borrowed Finery; or, killed off by a Ballet Girl,</td><td class='r'><a href="#a_Ballet_Girl">204</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Legal Advice,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Legal_Advice">209</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Wonders of the Day,</td><td class='r'><a href="#of_the_Day">213</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>"Don't know you, Sir!"</td><td class='r'><a href="#Know_You_Sir">214</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>A circumlocutory Egg Pedler,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Circumlocutory_Egg_Pedler">219</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Jolly old Times,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Jolly_Old_Times">223</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>The Pigeon Express Man,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Pigeon_Express_Man">224</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Jipson's great Dinner Party,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Great_Dinner_Party">229</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Look out for them Lobsters,</td><td class='r'><a href="#for_them_Lobsters">236</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>The Fitzfaddles at Hull,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Fitzfaddles_at_Hull">241</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Putting me on a Platform!</td><td class='r'><a href="#on_a_Platform">247</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>The exorbitancy of Meanness,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Exorbitancy_of_Meanness">251</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>"Taking down" a Sheriff,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Down_a_Sheriff">252</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Governor Mifflin's First Coal Fire,</td><td class='r'><a href="#First_Coal_Fire">257</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Sure Cure,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Sure_Cure">261</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Chasing a fugitive Subscriber,</td><td class='r'><a href="#a_Fugitive_Subscriber">262</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Ambition,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Ambition">266</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Way the Women fixed the Tale-bearer,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Fixed_the_Tale-Bearer">267</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Penalty of kissing your own Wife,</td><td class='r'><a href="#your_own_Wife">272</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Mysteries and Miseries of Housekeeping,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Miseries_of_Housekeeping">274</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Miseries of a Dandy,</td><td class='r'><a href="#of_a_Dandy">279</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>A juvenile Joe Miller,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Juvenile_Joe_Miller">284</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>"Selling" a Landlord,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Selling_a_Landlord">285</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Scientific Labor,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Scientific_Labor">288</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Who was that poor Woman?</td><td class='r'><a href="#that_Poor_Woman">289</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Infirmities of Nature,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Infirmities_of_Nature">293</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Andrew Jackson and his Mother,</td><td class='r'><a href="#and_his_Mother">294</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Snaking out Sturgeons,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Snaking_out_Sturgeons">299</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Mixing Meanings&mdash;Mangling English,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Meanings_Mangling_English">301</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Waking up the wrong Passenger,</td><td class='r'><a href="#the_Wrong_Passenger">302</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Genius for Business,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Genius_for_Business">306</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Have you got any old Boots?</td><td class='r'><a href="#Any_Old_Boots">307</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>The Vagaries of Nature,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Vagaries_of_Nature">312</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>A general disquisition on "Hinges,"</td><td class='r'><a href="#Disquisition_on_Hinges">317</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Miseries of Bachelorhood,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Miseries_of_Bachelorhood">321</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>The Science of Diddling,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Science_of_Diddling">322</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>The re-union; Thanksgiving Story,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Thanksgiving_Story">324</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Cabbage <i>vs.</i> Men,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Cabbage_vs_Men">330</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Wanted&mdash;A young Man from the Country,</td><td class='r'><a href="#from_the_Country">331</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Presence of Mind,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Presence_of_Mind">336</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>The Skipper's Schooner,</td><td class='r'><a href="#The_Skippers_Schooner">337</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Philosophy of the Times,</td><td class='r'><a href="#of_the_Times">340</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>The Emperor and the Poor Author,</td><td class='r'><a href="#the_Poor_Author">341</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>The bigger fool, the better Luck,</td><td class='r'><a href="#the_Better_Luck">352</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>An active Settlement,</td><td class='r'><a href="#An_Active_Settlement">356</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>A Yankee in a Pork-house,</td><td class='r'><a href="#in_a_Pork-house">357</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>German Caution,</td><td class='r'><a href="#German_Caution">361</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Ben. McConachy's great Dog Sell,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Great_Dog_Sell">362</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>The Perils of Wealth,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Perils_of_Wealth">367</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Nursing a Legacy,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Nursing_a_Legacy">372</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>The Troubles of a Mover,</td><td class='r'><a href="#of_a_Mover">377</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>The Question Settled,</td><td class='r'><a href="#The_Question_Settled">382</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>How it's done at the Astor House,</td><td class='r'><a href="#the_Astor_House">383</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>The Advertisement,</td><td class='r'><a href="#The_Advertisement">387</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Incidents in a Fortune-hunter's Life,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Fortune-Hunters_Life">400</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>A Distinction with a Difference,</td><td class='r'><a href="#with_a_Difference">408</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Pills and Persimmons,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Pills_and_Persimmons">409</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Mysteries and Miseries of the Life of a City Editor,</td><td class='r'><a href="#a_City_Editor">414</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>The Tribulations of Incivility,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Tribulations_of_Incivility">415</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>The Broomstick Marriage,</td><td class='r'><a href="#The_Broomstick_Marriage">420</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Appearances are Deceitful,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Appearances_are_Deceitful">427</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>Cigar Smoke,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Cigar_Smoke">431</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>An everlasting tall Duel,</td><td class='r'><a href="#Everlasting_Tall_Duel">432</a></td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2><a id='ILLUSTRATIONS' name='ILLUSTRATIONS'></a>ILLUSTRATIONS</h2>
+
+<table style="width:90%" summary='List of Illustrations'>
+<tr><td style="width:80%">&nbsp;</td><td class='r'>PAGE</td></tr>
+<tr><td>"Are you de man advertised for de dogs, sa-a-ay?"</td><td class='r'><a href="#illo002"><i>frontispiece</i></a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>"Go&mdash;goo&mdash;good Lord-d d! Ho&mdash;ho&mdash;hol&mdash;hold on!"</td><td class='r'><a href="#illo001">92</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>"What dat! got pistils in your pocket, eh?"</td><td class='r'><a href="#illo003">99</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>"With a presence of mind truly unparalleled..."</td><td class='r'><a href="#illo004">169</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>"Shet up, you piratin' cuss you..."</td><td class='r'><a href="#illo005">305</a></td></tr>
+<tr><td>"Three children?" gruffly responded the old gentleman.</td><td class='r'><a href="#illo006">393</a></td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<hr class='chapter' />
+
+<h2 style="font-size:175%;letter-spacing:3px;line-height:1.25em;">THE HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE.</h2>
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+
+<h2><a name="in_the_Morning" id="in_the_Morning"></a>If it ain't right, I'll make it all right in the Morning!</h2>
+
+
+<p>A keen, genteely dressed, gentlemanly man "put up" at
+Beltzhoover's Hotel, in Baltimore, one day some years
+ago, and after dining very sumptuously every day, drinking his
+Otard, Margieux and Heidsic, and smoking his "Tras,"
+"Byrons," and "Cassadoras," until the landlord began to
+surmise the "bill" getting voluminous, he made the clerk
+foot it up and present it to our modern Don Cæsar De Bazan,
+who, casting his eye over the long lines of perpendicularly
+arranged figures, discovered that&mdash;which in no wise
+alarmed him, however&mdash;he was in for a matter of a cool C!</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! yes, I see; <i>well</i>, I presume it's all right, all correct,
+sir, no doubt about it," says Don Cæsar.</p>
+
+<p>"No doubt at all, sir," says the polite clerk,&mdash;"we
+seldom present a bill, sir, until the gentlemen are about to
+leave, sir; but when the bills are unusually large, sir&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Large, sir? Large, my dear fellow"&mdash;says the Don&mdash;"bless
+your soul, you don't call <i>that</i> large? Why, sir, a&mdash;a&mdash;that
+is, when I was in Washington, at Gadsby's, sir,
+bless you, I frequently had my friends of the Senate and
+the Ministers to dine at my rooms, and what do you suppose
+my bills averaged a week, there, sir?"</p>
+
+<p>"I can't possibly say, sir&mdash;must have counted up very
+<i>heavy</i>, sir, I think," responds the clerk.</p>
+
+<p>"Heavy! ha! ha! you may well say they were <i>heavy</i>,
+my dear fellow&mdash;<i>five and eight hundred dollars a week!</i>"
+says the Don, with a nonchalance that would win the admiration
+of a flash prince of the realm.</p>
+
+<p>"O, no doubt of it, sir; it is very expensive to keep
+company, and entertain the government officers, at Washington,
+sir," the clerk replies.</p>
+
+<p>"You're right, my dear fellow; you're right. But let
+me see," and here the Don stuck a little glass in the corner
+of his eye, and glanced at the bill; "ah, yes, I see, $102.51&mdash;a&mdash;a&mdash;something&mdash;all
+right, I presume; if it ain't right,
+<i>we'll make it all right in the morning</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"Very good, sir; that will answer, sir," says the clerk,
+about to bow himself out of the room.</p>
+
+<p>"One moment, if you please, my dear fellow; that Marteux
+of yours is really superb. A friend dined here yesterday
+with me&mdash;he is a&mdash;a gentleman who imports a&mdash;a great
+deal of wine; he a&mdash;a&mdash;pronounces your Schreider an elegant
+article. I shall entertain some friends to-night, here,
+and do you see that we have sufficient of that 'Marteux'
+and 'Schreider' cooling for us; my friends are judges of a
+pure article, and a&mdash;a I wish them to have a&mdash;a good
+opinion of your house. Understand?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, yes, sir; that'll be all right," says the clerk.</p>
+
+<p>"Of course; if it ain't, I'll make it all right in the morning!"
+says the Don Cæsar, as the official vanished.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Charles, did you present that gentleman's bill?"
+asks the host of the clerk, as they met at "the office."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir; he says it's all right, or he'll make it all right
+in the morning, sir," replies the clerk.</p>
+
+<p>"Very well," says the anxious host; "<i>see that he
+does it</i>."</p>
+
+<p>That evening a Captain Jones called on Don Cæsar&mdash;a
+servant carried up the card&mdash;Captain Jones was requested
+to walk up. Lieutenant Smith, U. S. N., next called&mdash;"walk
+up." Dr. Brown called&mdash;"walk up." Col. Green,
+his card&mdash;"walk up;" and so on, until some six or eight
+distinguished persons were walked up to Don Cæsar's private
+parlor; and pretty soon the silver necks were brought
+up, corks were popping, glasses were clinking, jests and
+laughter rose above the wine and cigars, and Don Cæsar
+was putting his friends through in the most approved style!</p>
+
+<p>Time flew, as it always does. Capt. Jones gave the
+party a bit of a salt-water song, Dr. Brown pitched in a
+sentiment, while Colonel Green and Lieutenant Smith
+talked largely of the "last session," what <i>their</i> friend
+Benton said to Webster, and Webster to Benton, and
+what Bill Allen said to 'em both. And Miss Corsica, the
+French Minister's daughter, what she had privately intimated
+to Lieutenant Smith in regard to American ladies,
+and what the Hon. so and so offered to do and say for
+Colonel Green, and so and so and so and so. Still the
+corks "popped," and the glasses jingled, and the merry
+jest, and the laugh jocund, and the rich sentiment, and
+richer fumes of the cigars filled the room.</p>
+
+<p>Don Cæsar kept on hurrying up the wine, and as each
+bottle was uncorked, he assured the servants&mdash;"All right;
+if it ain't all right, <i>we'll make it all right in the morning!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>And so Don Cæsar and his <i>bon vivant</i> friends went it,
+until some two dozen bottles of Schreider, Hock, and
+Sherry had decanted, and the whole entire party were getting
+as merry as grigs, and so noisy and rip-roarious,
+that the clerk of the institution came up, and standing
+outside of the door, sent a servant to Don Cæsar, to politely
+request that gentleman to step out into the hall one moment.</p>
+
+<p>"What's that?" says the Don; "speak loud, I've got a
+buzzing in my ears, and can't hear whispers."</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Tompkins, sir, the clerk of the house, sir," replies
+the servant, in a sharp key.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, what the deuce of Tompkins&mdash;hic&mdash;what does
+he&mdash;hic&mdash;does he want? Tell&mdash;hic&mdash;tell him it's&mdash;hic&mdash;all
+right, or we'll make it all right&mdash;hic&mdash;<i>in the morning</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Tompkins then took the liberty of stepping inside,
+and slipping up to Don Cæsar, assured him that himself
+and friends were <i>a little too merry</i>, but Don Cæsar assured Tompkins&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"It's all&mdash;hic&mdash;right, mi boy, all&mdash;hic&mdash;right; these gentlemen&mdash;hic&mdash;are
+all <i>gentlemen</i>, my&mdash;hic&mdash;personal friends&mdash;hic&mdash;and
+it's all right&mdash;hic&mdash;all perfectly&mdash;hic&mdash;right, or
+we'll make it all right in the morning."</p>
+
+<p>"That we do not question, sir," says the clerk, "but
+there are many persons in the adjoining rooms whom you'll
+disturb, sir; I speak for the credit of the house."</p>
+
+<p>"O&mdash;hic&mdash;certainly, certainly, mi boy; I'll&mdash;hic&mdash;I'll
+speak to the gentlemen," says the Don, rising in his chair,
+and assuming a very solemn graveness, peculiar to men in
+the fifth stage of libation deep; "Gentlemen&mdash;hic&mdash;<i>gentle</i>men,
+I'm requested to state&mdash;hic&mdash;that&mdash;hic&mdash;a very <i>serious</i>
+piece of intelligence&mdash;hic&mdash;has met my ear. This <i>gentle</i>man&mdash;hic&mdash;says
+somebody's dead in the next&mdash;hic&mdash;room."</p>
+
+<p>"Not at all, sir; I did not say that, sir," says the clerk.</p>
+
+<p>"Beg&mdash;hic&mdash;your pardon, sir&mdash;hic&mdash;it's all right; if it
+ain't all right, I'll make it&mdash;hic&mdash;<i>all right in the morning!</i>
+Gentlemen, let's&mdash;hic&mdash;us all adjourn; let's change the see&mdash;hic&mdash;scene,
+call a coach&mdash;hic&mdash;somebody, let's take a ride&mdash;hic&mdash;and
+return and go to&mdash;hic&mdash;our pious&mdash;hic&mdash;rest."</p>
+
+<p>Having delivered this order and exhortation, Don Cæsar
+arose on his pins, and marshalling his party, after a general
+swap of hats all around, in which trade big heads got
+smallest hats, and small heads got largest hats, by aid of
+the staircase and the servants, they all got to the street, and
+lumbering into a large hack, they started off on a midnight
+airing, noisy and rip-roarious as so many sailors on a land
+cruise. The last words uttered by Don Cæsar, there, as
+the coach drove off, were:</p>
+
+<p>"All right&mdash;hic&mdash;mi boy, if it ain't, <i>we'll make it all
+right in the morning!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, that we will," says the landlord, "and if I don't
+stick you into a bill of costs '<i>in the morning</i>,' rot me.
+You'll have a nice time," he continued, "out carousing
+till daylight; lucky I've got his wallet in the fire-proof,
+the jackass would be robbed before he got back,
+<i>and I'd lose my bill!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>Don Cæsar did not return to make good his promise <i>in
+the morning</i>, and so the landlord took the liberty of investigating
+the wallet, deposited for safe keeping in the fire-proof
+of the office, by the Don; and lo! and behold! it
+contained old checks, unreceipted bills, and a few samples
+of Brandon bank notes, with this emphatic remark:&mdash;"All
+right, if it ain't all right, <span class="smcap">we'll make it all right in the morning</span>!"</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="believe_in_em" id="believe_in_em"></a>Don't you believe in 'em?</h2>
+
+
+<p>We are astounded at the incredulity of some people.
+Every now and then you run afoul of somebody who does
+not believe in spiritual knockers. Enter any of our drinking
+saloons, take a seat, or stand up, and look on for an
+hour or two, especially about the time "churchyards yawn!"
+and if you are any longer skeptical upon the <i>spirit</i>-ual manifestations
+as exhibited in the knee pans, shoulder joints, and
+thickness of the tongue of the <i>mediums</i>,&mdash;education would
+be thrown away on you.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Old_Black_Bull" id="Old_Black_Bull"></a>The Old Black Bull</h2>
+
+
+<p>It's poor human natur', all out, to wrangle and quarrel
+now and then, from the kitchen to the parlor, in church
+and state. Even the fathers of the holy tabernacle are not
+proof against this little weakness; for people will have
+passions, people will belong to meetin', and people will
+let their passions <i>rise</i>, even under the pulpit. But we have
+no distinct recollection of ever having known a misdirected,
+but properly interpreted <i>letter</i>, to settle a chuckly
+"plug muss," so efficiently and happily as the case we have
+in point.</p>
+
+<p>Old John Bulkley (grandson of the once famous President
+<i>Chauncey</i>) was a minister of the gospel, and one of
+the best <i>edicated</i> men of his day in the wooden nutmeg
+State, when the immortal (or ought to be) Jonathan Trumbull
+was "around," and in his youth. Mr. Bulkley was the
+first <i>settled</i> minister in the town of his adoption, Colchester,
+Connecticut. It was with him, as afterwards with good
+old brother Jonathan (Governor Trumbull, the bosom
+friend of General Washington), good to confer on almost
+any matter, scientific, political, or religious&mdash;any subject,
+in short, wherein common sense and general good to all concerned
+was the issue. As a philosophical reasoner, casuist,
+and <i>good</i> counselor, he was "looked up to," and abided by.</p>
+
+<p>It so fell out that a congregation in Mr. Bulkley's
+vicinity got to loggerheads, and were upon the apex of
+raising "the evil one" instead of a spire to their church, as
+they proposed and <i>split</i> upon. The very nearest they could
+come to a mutual cessation of the hostilities, was to appoint
+a <i>committee</i> of three, to wait on Mr. Bulkley, state
+their <i>case</i>, and get him to adjudicate. They waited on the
+old gentleman, and he listened with grave attention to their
+conflicting grievances.</p>
+
+<p>"It appears to me," said the old gentleman, "that this
+is a very simple case&mdash;a very trifling thing to cause you so
+much vexation."</p>
+
+<p>"So I say," says one of the <i>committee</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't call it a trifling case, Mr. Bulkley," said another.</p>
+
+<p>"No case at all," responded the third.</p>
+
+<p>"It ain't, eh?" fiercely answered the first speaker.</p>
+
+<p>"No, it ain't, sir!" quite as savagely replied the third.</p>
+
+<p>"It's anything but a trifling case, anyhow," echoed
+number two, "to expect to raise the minister's salary and
+that new steeple, too, out of our small congregation."</p>
+
+<p>"There is no danger of raising much out of <i>you</i>, anyhow,
+Mr. Johnson," spitefully returned number one.</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen, if you please&mdash;" beseechingly interposed the sage.</p>
+
+<p>"I haven't come here, Mr. Bulkley, to quarrel," said one.</p>
+
+<p>"Who started this?" sarcastically answered Mr. Johnson.</p>
+
+<p>"Not me, anyway," number three replies.</p>
+
+<p>"You don't say I did, do you?" says number one.</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen!&mdash;gentlemen!&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Bulkley, you see how it is; there's Johnson&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, Mr. Bulkley," says Johnson, "and there's old
+Winkles, too, and here's Deacon Potter, also."</p>
+
+<p>"I <i>am</i> here," stiffly replied the deacon, "and I am sorry
+the Reverend Mr. Bulkley finds me in such company, sir!"</p>
+
+<p>"Now, gentlemen, <i>brothers</i>, if you please," said Mr.
+Bulkley, "this is ridiculous,&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"So I say," murmured Mr. Winkles.</p>
+
+<p>"As far as <i>you</i> are concerned, it is ridiculous," said the deacon.</p>
+
+<p>This brought Mr. Winkles <i>up</i>, standing.</p>
+
+<p>"Sir!" he shouted, "sir!"</p>
+
+<p>"But my dear <i>sirs</i>&mdash;" beseechingly said the philosopher.</p>
+
+<p>"Sir!" continued Winkles, "sir! I am too old a man&mdash;too
+good a Christian, Mr. Bulkley, to allow a man, a mean,
+despicable <i>toad</i>, like Deacon Potter&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Do you call me&mdash;<i>me</i> a despicable <i>toad</i>?" menacingly
+cried the deacon.</p>
+
+<p>"Brethren," said Mr. Bulkley, "if I am to counsel you
+in your difference, I must have no more of this unchristian-like bickering."</p>
+
+<p>"I do not wish to bicker, sir," said Johnson.</p>
+
+<p>"Nor I don't want to, sir," said the deacon, "but when
+a man calls me a toad, a mean, despicable <i>toad</i>&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, well, never mind," said Mr. Bulkley; "you are
+all too excited now; go home again, and wait patiently;
+on Saturday evening next, I will have prepared and sent to
+you a written opinion of your case, with a full and free
+avowal of most wholesome advice for preserving your church
+from desolation and yourselves from despair." And the
+committee left, to await his issue.</p>
+
+<p>Now it chanced that Mr. Bulkley had a small farm, some
+distance from the town of Colchester, and found it necessary,
+the same day he wrote his opinion and advice to the
+brethren of the disaffected church, to drop a line to his
+farmer regarding the fixtures of said estate. Having
+written a long, and of course, elaborate "essay" to his
+brethren, he wound up the day's literary exertions with a
+despatch to the farmer, and after a reverie to himself,
+he directs the two documents, and next morning despatches
+them to their several destinations.</p>
+
+<p>On Saturday evening a full and anxious synod of the
+belligerent churchmen took place in their tabernacle, and
+punctually, as promised, came the despatch from the Plato
+of the time and place,&mdash;Rev. John Bulkley. All was quiet
+and respectful attention. The moderator took up the document,
+broke the seal, opened and&mdash;a pause ensued, while
+dubious amazement seemed to spread over the features of
+the worthy president of the meeting.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, brother Temple, how is it&mdash;what does Mr. Bulkley
+say?" and another pause followed.</p>
+
+<p>"Will the moderator please proceed?" said another voice.</p>
+
+<p>The moderator placed the paper upon the table, took off
+his spectacles, wiped the glasses, then his lips&mdash;replaced his
+specs upon his nose, and with a very broad <i>grin</i>, said:</p>
+
+<p>"Brethren, this appears to me to be a very singular letter,
+to say the least of it!"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, read it&mdash;read it," responded the wondering hearers.</p>
+
+<p>"I will," and the moderator began:</p>
+
+<p>"You will see to the repair of the fences, that they be
+built high and strong, and you will take special care <i>of
+the old Black Bull</i>."</p>
+
+<p>There was a general pause; a silent mystery overspread
+the community; the moderator dropped the paper to a
+"rest," and gazing over the top of his glasses for several
+minutes, nobody saying a word.</p>
+
+<p>"Repair the fences!" muttered the moderator at length.</p>
+
+<p>"Build them strong and high!" echoed Deacon Potter.</p>
+
+<p>"Take special care <i>of the old Black Bull!</i>" growled half
+the meeting.</p>
+
+<p>Then another pause ensued, and each man eyed his neighbor
+in mute mystery.</p>
+
+<p>A tall and venerable man now arose from his seat; clearing
+his voice with a hem, he spoke:</p>
+
+<p>"Brethren, you seem lost in the brief and eloquent
+words of our learned adviser. To me nothing could be
+more appropriate to our case. It is just such a profound
+and applicable reply to us as we should have hoped and
+looked for, from the learned and good man, John Bulkley.
+The direction to repair the fences, is to take heed in the
+admission and government of our members; we must guard
+the church by our Master's laws, and keep out stray and
+vicious cattle from the fold! And, above all things, set a
+trustworthy and vigilant watch over that old black bull,
+who is the devil, and who has already broken into our enclosures
+and sought to desolate and lay waste the fair
+grounds of our church!"</p>
+
+<p>The effect of this interpretation was electrical. All saw
+and <i>took</i> the force of Mr. Bulkley's cogent advice, and
+unanimously resolved to be governed by it; hence the old
+black bull was put <i>hors du combat</i>, and the church preserved its union!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="makes_a_Pint" id="makes_a_Pint"></a>Dobbs makes "a Pint."</h2>
+
+
+<p>Dobbs walked into a <i>Dry Goodery</i>, on Court street, and
+began to look around. A double <i>jinted</i> clerk immediately
+appeared to Dobbs.</p>
+
+<p>"What can I <i>do</i> for you, sir?" says he.</p>
+
+<p>"A good deal," says Dobbs, "but I bet you won't."</p>
+
+<p>"I'll bet I will," says the knight of the yard-stick, "if I <i>can</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"What'll you bet of that?" says the imperturbable Dobbs.</p>
+
+<p>"I'll bet a fourpence!" says the clerk, with a cute <i>nod</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"I'll go it," says Dobbs. "Now, trust me for a couple
+of dollars' wuth of yur stuffs!"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Lost</i>, by Ned!" says yard-stick. "Well, there's the fourpence."</p>
+
+<p>"Thank you; call again when I want to <i>trade!</i>" says Dobbs.</p>
+
+<p>"Do, if you please; wouldn't like to lose your custom,"
+says the clerk, "no how."</p>
+
+<p>Polite young man that&mdash;as soon as his chin vegetates,
+provided his dickey don't cut his throat, he'll be arter the
+gals, Dobbs thinks!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Used_Up" id="Used_Up"></a>Used Up.</h2>
+
+
+<p>I am tempted to believe, that few&mdash;very few men can start
+in the world&mdash;say at twenty, with a replete invoice of
+honesty, free and easy&mdash;kind, generous&mdash;good-natured disposition,
+and keep it up, until they greet their fortieth
+year. There are, doubtless, plenty of men&mdash;I hope there
+are, who <i>would</i> be entirely and perfectly generous-hearted,
+if they <i>could</i>, with any degree of consistency; and I know
+there are multitudes who wouldn't exhibit an honorable or
+manly trait, of any human description, if they could.
+That class thrive best, it appears to me&mdash;if the accumulation
+of dollars and dimes be Webster, Walker, or Scriptural
+interpretation of that sense&mdash;in this sublunary world.
+Meanness and dishonesty win what good nature and honesty
+lose, hence the more thrift to the former, and the less gain,
+pecuniarily considered, to the latter. The subject is very
+prolific, and as my present purpose is as much to point a
+humorous <i>sketch</i> as to adorn a <i>moral</i>, I needs must cut
+speculative philosophistics for facts, in the case of my friend
+John Jenks, an emphatic&mdash;"used up" good fellow.</p>
+
+<p>Jenks started in this world with a first-rate opinion of
+himself and the rest of mankind. No man ever started
+with a larger capital of good nature, human benevolence,
+and common honesty, than honest John. Few men ever
+started with better general prospects, for "a good time,"
+and plenty of it, than Jenks. He <i>graduated</i> with honor to
+himself and the Institute of his native State, and with but
+little knowledge beyond the college library and the social
+circles of his immediate friends. At twenty-three, John
+Jenks went into business on his own hook.</p>
+
+<p>Of course John soon formed various and many business
+acquaintances; he learned that men were brothers&mdash;should
+love, honor, and respect one another, from precepts set him
+at his father's fireside. He formed the opinion, that this
+brotherhood was not to be alienated in matters of business,
+for he never refused to act kindly to all; he freely loaned
+his <i>autograph</i> and purse to his business acquaintances; but,
+being backed up by a snug business capital, he seldom felt
+the necessity of claiming like accommodation, or he would
+have gotten his eye teeth cut cheaper and sooner.</p>
+
+<p>"Jenks," said a business man, stopping in at Jenks' counting
+room one September morning, "Perkins &amp; Ball, I see,
+have <i>stopped</i>&mdash;gone to smash!"</p>
+
+<p>"Have they?" quickly responded Jenks.</p>
+
+<p>"They have, and a good many fingers will be burnt by
+them," replied the informant. "By the way, Barclay says
+you have some of their <i>paper</i> on hand; is it true?" continued
+the man.</p>
+
+<p>"I have some, not much," answered Jenks&mdash;"not enough
+at all events to create any alarm as to their willingness or
+ability to take it up."</p>
+
+<p>But in looking over his "accounts," Jenks found a considerably
+larger amount of Perkins &amp; Ball's <i>paper</i> on
+hand, than an experienced business man might have contemplated
+with entire Christian resignation. The gazette,
+in the course of a few days, gave publicity to the <i>smash</i>
+of the house of Perkins, Ball &amp; Co. There was a buzz
+"on 'change;" those losers by the <i>smash</i> were bitter in
+their denunciatory remarks, while those gaining by the transaction
+snickered in their sleeves and kept mum. Jenks
+heard all, and said nothing. He reasoned, that if the firm
+were <i>smashed</i> by imprudences, or through dishonest motives,
+they were getting "an elegant sufficiency" of public and
+private vituperation, without his aid. Though far from his
+thoughts of entering into such "lists," and inclined to hold
+on and see how things come out&mdash;Jenks, for the credit of
+common humanity, seldom recapitulated the amount, by
+discounting, &amp;c.&mdash;he was likely to be <i>in</i> for, if P. &amp; B.
+were really "done gone." This resolve, like some <i>rules</i>,
+worked both ways.</p>
+
+<p>As "honest John" was drawing on his gloves to leave
+his commercial institution, after the above occurrences had
+had some ten days' <i>grace</i>; one evening, the senior partner
+of the house of Perkins &amp; Ball came in. Greetings were
+cordial, and in the private office of Jenks, an hour's discourse
+took place between the merchants; which, in brief
+transcription, may be summed up in the fact, that Jenks
+received a two-third indemnification on all <i>his</i> liabilities <i>for</i>
+the <i>smashed</i> house of P. &amp; B., which the senior partner assured
+him, arose from the fact of his, Jenks', gentlemanly
+forbearance in not joining the clamor against them, in the
+adverse hour, nor pushing his claims, when he had reason
+to believe that they were down; quite down at the heel.
+Jenks "hoped" he should never be found on the wrong or
+even doubtful side of humanity, gentlemanly courtesy, or
+Christian kindness; they shook hands and parted; the
+senior partner of the exploded firm requesting, and Jenks
+agreeing, to say every thing he could towards sustaining the
+honor of the house of P. &amp; B., and recreating its now
+almost extinguished credit. Those who fought the bankrupt
+merchants most got the least, and because Jenks preserved
+an undisturbed serenity, when it was known that he
+was as deeply a loser, they supposed, as any one, they were
+staggered at his philosophy, or amused at his extreme good
+nature. This latter result seemed the most popular and
+accepted notion of Jenks' character, and proved the ground-work
+of his pecuniary destruction.</p>
+
+<p>The firm of Perkins &amp; Ball crept up again; Jenks had,
+on all occasions, spoken in the most favorable terms of the
+firm; he not only freely endorsed again for them, but stood
+their <i>referee</i> generally. In the meantime, Jenks' celebrity
+for good nature and open-heartedness had drawn around
+him a host of patrons and admirers. Jenks' name became
+a circulating medium for half his business acquaintances.
+If Brown was short in his cash account, five hundred or a
+thousand dollars&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Just run over to Jenks'," he'd say to his clerk; "ask
+him to favor me with a check until the middle of the week."
+It was done.</p>
+
+<p>"Terms&mdash;thirty days with good endorsed paper," was
+sufficient for the adventurous Smith to <i>buy</i> and depend on
+Jenks' <i>autograph</i> to <i>secure</i> the goods. When in funds,
+Bingle went where he chose; when a little <i>short</i>, Jenks had
+his patronage. Jenks kept but few memorandums of acts
+of kindness he daily committed; hence when the evil effects
+of them began to revolve upon him&mdash;if not mortified or
+ashamed of his "bargains," he at least was astounded at
+the results. Brown, whose due bills or memorandums
+Jenks held, to the amount of seven thousand dollars, accommodation
+<i>loans</i>, took an apoplectic, one warm summer's
+day, after taking a luxurious dinner. Jenks had hardly
+learned that Brown's affairs were pronounced in a state of
+deferred bankruptcy, when the first rumor reached him that
+Smith had <i>bolted</i>, after a heavy transaction in "woolens"&mdash;Jenks
+his principal endorser&mdash;Smith not leaving assets or
+assigns to the amount of one red farthing.</p>
+
+<p>"By Jove!" poor Jenks muttered, as he tremulously
+seated himself in his back counting room&mdash;"that's shabby in
+Smith&mdash;very shabby."</p>
+
+<p>The next morning's Gazette informed the community
+that Bingle had failed&mdash;liabilities over $200,000&mdash;prospects
+barely giving hopes of ten per cent, all around; and even
+this hope, upon Jenks' investigation, proved a forlorn one;
+by a <i>modus operandi</i> peculiar to the heartless, self-devoted,
+<i>they</i> got all, Jenks and the <i>few</i> of his ilk, got nothing!</p>
+
+<p>For the first time in his life, Jenks became pecuniarily
+moody. For the first time, in the course of his mercantile
+career, of some six years, the force of reflection convinced
+him, that he had not acted his part judiciously, however
+"well done" it might be, in point of honor and manliness.</p>
+
+<p>The next day Jenks devoted to a scrutiny of his accounts
+in general with the business world. He found things a
+great deal "mixed up;" his balance-sheet exhibited large
+surplusages accumulated on the score of his leniency and
+good nature; by the credit of those with whom he held
+business relations. A council of war, or expediency,
+rather,&mdash;<i>solus</i>, convinced Jenks, he had either mistaken his
+business qualifications, or formed a very vague idea of the
+soul&mdash;manners and customs of the business world; and
+he broke up his council, a sadder if not a wiser man.</p>
+
+<p>"By Jove, this is discouraging; I'll have to do a very
+disagreeable thing, very disagreeable thing: <i>make an assignment!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"Who'd thought John Jenks would ever come to that?"
+that individual muttered to himself, as he proceeded to his
+hotel. And ere he reached his plate, at the tea-table, a
+servant whispered that a gentleman with a message was
+out in the "office" of the hotel, anxious to see Mr. Jenks.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Jenks&mdash;John Jenks, I believe, sir?" began the
+person, as poor Jenks, now on the <i>tapis</i> for more ill news,
+approached the person in waiting.</p>
+
+<p>"Precisely, that's my name, sir," Jenks responded.</p>
+
+<p>"Then," continued the stranger, "I've disagreeable
+business with you, Mr. Jenks; <i>I hold your arrest!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"Good God!" exclaimed Jenks; "my arrest? What for?"</p>
+
+<p>"There's the writ, sir; you can read it."</p>
+
+<p>"A <i>writ</i>? Why, God bless you, man, I don't <i>owe</i> a
+dollar in the world, but what I can liquidate in ten minutes!"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, it's not debt, sir; you may see by the writ it's <i>felony!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>If the man had drawn and cocked a revolver at Jenks, the
+effect upon his nervous system could not have been more startling
+or powerful. But he recovered his self-possession, and
+learned with dismay, that he was arrested&mdash;yes, <i>arrested</i> as
+an accessory to a grand scheme of fraud and general villany,
+on the part of Smith, a conclusion arrived at, by
+those most interested, upon discovery that Jenks had pronounced
+Smith "good," and endorsed for him in sums
+total, enormously, far beyond Jenks' actual ability to make good!</p>
+
+<p>It was in vain Jenks declared, and no man before ever
+dreamed of doubting his word, his entire ability to meet all
+liabilities of his own and others, for whom he kindly become
+responsible; for when the <i>bulk</i> of Smith's <i>paper</i> with Jenks'
+endorsement was thrust at him, he gave in; saw clearly that
+he was the victim of a heartless <i>forger</i>.</p>
+
+<p>But his calmness, in the midst of his affliction, triumphed,
+and he rested comparatively easy in jail that night, awaiting
+the bright future of to-morrow, when his established
+character, and "troops of friends" should set all right.
+But, poor Jenks, he reckoned indeed without his host; to-morrow
+came, but not "a friend in need;" they saw, in their
+far-reaching wisdom, a sinking ship, and like sagacious rats,
+they deserted it!</p>
+
+<p>"I always thought Jenks a very good-natured, or a very
+<i>deep</i> man," said one.</p>
+
+<p>"I knew he was too generous to last long!" said another.</p>
+
+<p>"I told him he was <i>green</i> to endorse as freely as he did,"
+echoed a third.</p>
+
+<p>"Good fellow," chimed a fourth&mdash;"but devilish imprudent."</p>
+
+<p>"He knows what he's at!" cunningly retorted a fifth, and
+so the good but misguided Jenks was disposed of by his
+"troops of friends!"</p>
+
+<p>But Perkins &amp; Ball&mdash;they had got up again, were flourishing;
+they, Jenks felt satisfied, would not show the
+"white feather," and the thought came to him, in his
+prison, as <i>merrily</i> as the reverse of that fond hope made
+him <i>sad</i> and sorrowful, when at the close of day, his attorney
+informed him, that Perkins &amp; Ball regretted his perplexing
+situation, but proffered him no aid or comfort.
+They said, sad experience had shown them, that there were
+no "bowels of compassion" in the world for the fallen;
+men must trust to fortune, God, and their own exertions, to
+defeat ill luck and rise from difficulties; <i>they</i> had done so;
+Mr. Jenks must not despair, but surmount his misfortunes
+with a stout heart and a clear conscience, and profit, as
+they had, <i>by reverses!</i></p>
+
+<p>"Profit!" said Jenks, in a bitter tone, "<i>profit</i> by reverses
+as <i>they</i> have!"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, Powers," he continued to his counsel, "do you
+know that if I had been a tithe part as base and conscienceless
+as they are <i>now</i>, Perkins &amp; Ball would be beggars,
+if not inmates of this prison! Yes, sir, my casting
+vote, of all the rest, would have done it. But no matter; I
+had hoped to find, in a community where I had been useful,
+generous and just, friends enough for all practical purposes,
+without carrying my business difficulties to the fireside of
+my parents and other relations. But that I must do now;
+if, <i>if they fail me, then&mdash;&mdash; I cave!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>Two days after that conference of the lawyer and the
+merchant, "honest John" learned, with sorrow, that his
+father was dead; estate involved, and his friends at home
+in no favorable mood in reference to what they heard of
+John Jenks and his "bad management" in the city.</p>
+
+<p>John Jenks&mdash;heard no more&mdash;he "caved!" as he agreed to.</p>
+
+<p>We pass over Jenks' <i>Smithsonian</i> difficulty, which a prudent
+lawyer and discerning jury brought out all right.</p>
+
+<p>We come to 1850&mdash;some fifteen or eighteen years after
+John Jenks "caved." The John Jenks of 183- had been
+ruined by his good nature, set adrift moneyless, in a manner,
+with even a spotted reputation to begin with; he "profited
+by his reverses," he was now a man of family&mdash;fifty,
+fat, and wealthy, and altogether the meanest and most selfish
+man you ever saw!</p>
+
+<p>Jenks freely admits his originality is entirely&mdash;"<i>used
+up!</i>" The reader may affix the <i>moral</i> of my sketch&mdash;at leisure.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Greatest_Moral_Engine" id="Greatest_Moral_Engine"></a>The Greatest Moral Engine.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Say what you will, it's no use talking, poverty is more
+potent and powerful, as a moral engine, than all the "sermons
+and soda water," law, logic, and prison discipline,
+ever started. All a man wants, while he <i>has</i> a chance to be
+honest, and to get along smoothly, is a good situation and
+two dollars a day; give him five dollars a day, and he gets
+lazy and careless; while at ten, or a hundred a day, he
+is sure to cultivate beastly feeling, eat and sleep to stupefaction,
+become a <i>roue</i>, or a rotten politician. A poor
+man, in misery, applies to God for consolation, while a rich
+man applies to his banker, and tries on a "bender," or goes
+on a tour to Europe, and studies foreign folly and French
+license. Poverty is great; in a Christian community, or a
+thriving village, it is equal to "martial law," in suppressing
+moral rebellion and keeping down the "dander!" And
+how faithful, too, is poverty, says Dr. Litterage, for it
+sticks to a man after all his friends and the rest of mankind
+have deserted him!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="of_Capt_Paul" id="of_Capt_Paul"></a>The Story of Capt. Paul.</h2>
+
+
+<p>I love to speak, I love to write of the mighty West. I
+have passed ten happy and partly pleasant years travelling
+over the immense tracts of land of the West and South. I
+have, during that time, garnered up endless themes for my
+pen. It was my custom, during my travels, to keep a
+"log," as the mariners have it, and at the close of the day I
+always noted the occurrences that transpired with me or
+others, when of interest, and opportunities were favorable
+to do so.</p>
+
+<p>Several years ago I was stopping at Vevay, Indiana, a
+small village on the Ohio river, waiting for a steamboat to
+touch there and take me up to Louisville, Ky. It was in
+the fall of the year, water was very low, and but few boats
+running. Shortly after breakfast, I took my rifle and ammunition
+and started down along the river to amuse myself,
+and kill time by hunting. Game was scarce, and after
+strolling along until noon, I got tired and came out to the
+river to see if any boats were in sight, as well as take shelter
+from a heavy shower of rain that had come on. I sought
+an immense old tree, whose broad crown and thick foliage
+made my shelter as dry as though under a roof, and here I
+sat down, bending my eyes along the placid, quiet and
+noble river, until I was quite lost in silent reverie. The
+rain poured down, and presently I heard a footstep approaching
+from the woods behind, and at the same moment
+a rough, curly dog came smelling along towards me. The
+dog came up to within a few rods of me and stopped,
+took a grin at me and then disappeared again. But my
+further anxiety was soon relieved by the appearance of a
+tall, gaunt man, dressed in the usual costume of a western
+woodsman, jean trowsers, hunting shirt, old slouched felt
+hat, rifle, powder horn, bullet pouch, and sheath knife. He
+was an old man, face sallow and wrinkled, and hair quite
+a steelish hue.</p>
+
+<p>"Mornin', stranger," said he; "rayther a wet day for game?"</p>
+
+<p>I replied in the affirmative, and welcomed him to my
+shelter. Having taken a seat near me, on the fallen trunk
+of a small tree, the old man, half to himself and partly to
+me, sighed&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! yes, yes, <i>our</i> day is fast gwoin over; an entire
+new set of folks will soon people this country, and the old
+settler will be all gone, and no more thought of."</p>
+
+<p>"I imagine," said I, interrupting his soliloquy, "that you
+are an old settler, and have noted vast, wonderful changes
+here in the Ohio Valley?"</p>
+
+<p>"Wonderful; yes, yes, stranger, thar you're right; I
+have seen wonderful changes since I first squatted 'yer,
+thirty-five years ago. Every thing changes about one so,
+that I skearse know the old river any more. 'Yer they've
+brought their steamboats puffin', and blowin', and skeerin' off
+the game, fish, and alligators. 'Yer they've built thar
+towns and thar store houses, and thar nice farm houses,
+and keep up sich a clatter and noise among 'em all, that
+one fond of our old quiet times in the woods, goes nigh
+bein' distracted with these new matters and folks."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said I, "neighbor, you old woodsmen will have
+to do as the Indians have done, and as Daniel Boone did,
+when the advancing axe of civilization, and the mighty
+steam and steel arms of enterprise and improvement make
+the varmints leave their lairs, and the air heavy and clamorous
+with the gigantic efforts of industry, genius, and
+wealth, you must <i>fall back</i>. Our territories are boundless,
+and there are yet dense forests, woods, and wilds, where
+the Indian, lone hunter, and solitary beast, shall rove amid
+the wild grandeur of God's infinite space for a century yet
+to come."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, yes, yes, young man; I should have long since up
+stakes and rolled before this sweeping tide of new settlers,
+only I can't bar to leave this tract 'yer; no, stranger, I can't
+bar to do it."</p>
+
+<p>"Doubtless," I replied; "one feels a strong love for
+old homes, a lingering desire to lay one's bones to their final
+resting place, near a spot and objects that life and familiarity
+made dear."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, yes, stranger, that's it, that's it. But look down
+thar&mdash;thar's what makes this spot dear to me&mdash;thar, do you
+see yon little hillock&mdash;yon little mound? Thar's what keeps
+old Tom Ward 'yer for life."</p>
+
+<p>The old man seemed deeply affected, and sighed heavily,
+as he wiped the moisture from his eyes with the back of his
+hand. I gazed down towards the spot he had called my
+attention to, and there I beheld, indeed, something resembling
+a solitary and lonely grave; wild flowers bloomed
+around it, and a flat stone stood at the head, and a small
+stake at the foot.</p>
+
+<p>"'Tisn't often one comes this way to ask the question,
+and the Lord knows, stranger, I'm always willing to tell
+the sad story of that lonely grave. Well, well, it's no use
+to grieve always, the red whelps have paid well for thar
+doins, and now, but few of 'em are spared to repent&mdash;the
+Lord forgive 'em all," to which I involuntarily echoed&mdash;"Amen!"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, stranger, you see, about five-and-thirty years ago,
+I left Western Virginia to come down 'yer in the Ohio
+valley. I well remember the first glimpse I got of this
+stream; it war a big stream to me, and I gloried in the
+sight of it. Thar war but few settlements then upon its
+banks, and thar war none of your roarin', splashin' steamboats
+about; but I like the steamboats&mdash;thar grand creatures,
+and go it like high-mettled horses. Well, I war a
+young man then; me and my brother and our old mother
+joined in with a neighbor, built a family boat, put in our
+goods, and started off down the stream, towards the lower
+part thar of Kentucky.</p>
+
+<p>"Captain Paul, our neighbor, war an old woodsman,
+though he war a young man; he had a wife and several fine,
+growin' children along with us, and our journey for many
+days war prosperous and pleasant. Capt. Paul's wife's sister
+war along with us, a fine young creature she war too.
+My brother and her I always carc'lated would make a
+match of it when we reached our journey's end; but poor
+Ben, God bless the boy, he little dreampt he'd be cut
+off so soon in the prime of life, and leave his bones 'yer to
+rot. I war young too, then, and little thought I should
+ever come to be this old, withered-up creature you see me
+now, stranger."</p>
+
+<p>"Why, you appear to be a hearty, hale man yet," said I,
+encouraging the old man to proceed in his narrative,
+"and no doubt shoot as well and see as keenly and far as ever?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ay, ay, I can drive a centre purty well yet; but my
+hand begins to tremble sometimes, and I'm failing&mdash;yes,
+yes, I know I'm failing. But, to go on with my story: I
+acted as sort of pilot. Then the country were yet pretty full
+of Ingins, and mighty few cabins war made along the river
+in them times. The whites and red-skins war eternally
+fighting. I won't say which war to blame; the whites killed
+the creatures off fast enough, and the Ingins took plenty of
+scalps and war cruel to the white man whenever they fastened on him.</p>
+
+<p>"Our old ark or boat war well loaded down; a few loose
+boards served as a shelter from the sun and rain, and a few
+planks spiked to the sides 'bove water, kept the swells from
+rollin' in on us. Two black boys helped the captain and I
+to manage the boat, and an old black woman waited on the
+wimin folks and did the cooking.</p>
+
+<p>"You see yon pint thar, up the river?" continued the
+narrator, pointing his long, bony finger towards a great
+bend, and a point on the Kentucky side of the stream.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," I replied, "I see it distinctly."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, it war thar, or jest above thar, about sunset of a
+pleasant day, that we came drifting along with our flat-boat,
+or <i>broad horn</i>, as they were called in them days,
+when Captain Paul said he thought it would be a snug
+place just behind the pint, to tie up to them same big
+trees yet standin' thar as they did then. Ben, poor Ben
+and I concluded too, it would be a clever place to camp for
+the night; so we headed the boat in&mdash;for, you see, we
+always kept in the middle of the stream, as near as possible,
+to keep clear of the red skins who committed a mighty
+heap of depredations upon the movers and river traders,
+by decoyin' the boat on shore, or layin' in ambush and
+firin' their rifles at the incautious folks in the boats that got
+too nigh 'em. Guina and Joe, the two black boys, rowed
+enough to get around the pint. We had no fear of the
+Ingins, as we expected we war beyond thar haunts just
+thar; mother war gettin' out the supper things, and Captain
+Paul's wife and sister were nestling away the children.
+Just then, as we got cleverly under the lee of the shore thar,
+I heard a crack like a dry stick snappin' under foot&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"'Thar's a deer or bar,' said the captain.</p>
+
+<p>"'Hold on your oars,' says I&mdash;'boys, I don't like that&mdash;it
+'tain't a deer's tread, nor a bar's nether,' says I.</p>
+
+<p>"By this time we had got within thirty yards of the bank&mdash;another
+slight noise&mdash;the bushes moved, and I sung out&mdash;'Ingins,
+by the Lord! back the boat, back, boys, back!'</p>
+
+<p>"Poor Ben snatched up his rifle, so did the captain; but
+before we could get way on the boat, a band of the bloody
+devils rushed out and gave us a volley of shouts and
+shower of balls, that made these hills and river banks echo
+again. Poor Ben fell mortally wounded and bleeding, into
+the bottom of the boat; two of the captain's children
+were killed, his wife wounded, and a bullet dashed the cap
+off my head.</p>
+
+<p>"I shouted to the boys to pull, and soon got out of reach
+of the Ingins. They had no canoes, bein' only a scoutin'
+war party; they could not reach us. The wounded horses
+and cows kicked and plunged among the goods, the wimin
+and children screamed.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! stranger, it war a frightful hour; one I shall remember
+to my dyin' day, as it war only yesterday I saw and
+heard it. It war now dark, the boat half filled with water,
+my brother dyin', Captain Paul nerveless hangin' over his
+wife and children, cryin' like a whipped child. I still
+clung on to my oar, and made the poor blacks pull for this
+side of the river, as fast and well as thar bewildered and
+frightened senses allowed 'em.</p>
+
+<p>"My poor mother leaned over poor Ben. She held his
+head in her lap; she opened his bosom and the blood flowed
+out. He still breathed faintly&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"'Benjamin, my son,' said she, 'do you know me?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Mother,' he breathed lowly. Mother tried to have
+him drink a cup of water from the river, but he war past
+nourishment&mdash;and she asked him if he knew he war dyin'?</p>
+
+<p>"He gasped, 'Yes, mother, and may the Lord our God
+in heaven be merciful to me, thus cut from you and life, mother&mdash;'</p>
+
+<p>"'God's will be done,' cried my mother, as the pale face
+of her darlin' boy fell upon her hand&mdash;he was gone.</p>
+
+<p>"We reached shore, but dar not kindle a light, for
+fear the Ingins might be prowlin' about on this side; yes,
+under this very tree, did we 'camp that gloomy night.
+The whole of us, livin', dead, and wounded, lay 'yer, fearin'
+even to weep aloud. About midnight, I took the two
+blacks, and we dug yon grave and laid poor Ben in it, and
+the two children by his side. It war an awful thing&mdash;awful
+to us all; and our sighs and sobs, mingled with the
+prayers of the old mother, went to God's footstool, I'm
+sure. We made such restin' places as circumstances permitted.
+I lay down, but the cries of poor Captain Paul's
+wife and sister, cries of the two survivin' children, and moans
+of us all, made sleep a difficult affair. By peep of day I
+went down to the grave, and thar sat the old mother. She
+had sat thar the live-long night; the sudden shock had
+been too much for her.</p>
+
+<p>"Two days afterwards the grave was opened and enlarged,
+and received two more bodies, the wife of Captain Paul,
+and our kind, good old mother. Thirty-five years have
+now passed. Could I leave this place? No; not a day
+at a time have I missed seeing the grave, when within miles
+of it. No, here must I rest too."</p>
+
+<p>The old man seemed deeply affected. I could not refrain
+from taking up the thread of his narrative to inquire
+what had become of Captain Paul and his wife's sister.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, poor thing, you see it war natural enough for her
+to love her sister's children, and the captain, he couldn't
+help lovin' her too, for that. The captain settled down here,
+about two miles back, and in a few years the sister-in-law
+and he war man and wife, and a kind, good old wife she is
+too. I've 'camped with 'em ever since, and with 'em I'll
+die, and be put thar&mdash;thar, to rest in that little mound with
+the rest. But I must bide my time, stranger&mdash;we must all
+bide our time. Now, stranger, I've told you my sad story,
+I must ax a favor. Seeing as you are a town-bred person,
+perhaps a preacher, I want you to kneel down by that
+grave and make a prayer. I feel that it is a good thing
+to pray, though we woods people know but little about it."</p>
+
+<p>I told him I was not a minister in the common acceptation
+of the term, but considering we all are God's ministers
+that study God's will and our own duty to man, I could
+pray, did pray, and left the poor woodsman with an exalted
+feeling, I hope, of divine and infinite grace to all who seek it.</p>
+
+<p>A boat touched Vevay that evening, and I left, deeply
+impressed with this little story.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Hereditary_Complaints" id="Hereditary_Complaints"></a>Hereditary Complaints.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Meanness is as natural to some people, as gutta percha
+beefsteaks in a cheap boarding-house. Schoodlefaker says
+he saw a striking instance in Quincy market last Saturday.
+An Irish woman came up to a turkey merchant, and says she&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"What wud yees be after axin' for nor a chicken like that?"</p>
+
+<p>"That's a turkey, not a chicken," says the merchant.</p>
+
+<p>"Turkey? Be dad an' it's a mighty small turkey&mdash;it's
+stale enough, too, I'd be sworn; poor it is, too! What'd
+yees ax for 'un?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, seein' it's pooty nigh night, and the last I've got,
+I'll let you have it for <i>two and six</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"Two and six? Hoot! I'd give yees half a dollar fur
+it, and be dad not another cint."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," says the <i>satisfied</i> poultry merchant, "take it
+along; I won't dicker for a cent or two."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Doolygan paid over the half, boned the turkey, and
+went on her way quite elated with the brilliancy of her
+talents in financiering! There's one merit in meanness, if
+it disgusts the looker-on, it never fails to carry a pleasing
+sensation to the bosom of the gamester.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="with_the_Caucusers" id="with_the_Caucusers"></a>Nights with the Caucusers.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Office-Seeking has become a legitimatized branch
+of our every-day business, as much so as in former times
+"reduced gentlemen" took to keeping school or posting books.
+In former times, men took to politics to give zest to a life
+already replete with pecuniary indulgences, as those in the
+"sere and yellow leaf" are wont to take to religion as a
+solacing comfort against things that are past, and pave the
+way to a very desirable futurity. But now, politicians are
+of no peculiar class or condition of citizens; the success of
+a champion depends not so much upon the matter, as upon
+the manner, not upon the capital he may have in real estate,
+bank funds or public stocks, but upon the fundamental
+principle of "confidence," gutta percha lungs and unmistakable
+amplitude of&mdash;brass and bravado! If any man
+doubts the fact, let him look around him, and calculate the
+matter. Why is it that <i>lawyers</i> are so particularly felicitous
+in running for, securing, and usurping most of all the
+important or profitable offices under government? Lungs&mdash;gutta
+percha lungs and everlasting impudence, does it.
+A man might as well try to bail out the Mississippi with a
+tea-spoon, or shoot shad with a fence-rail, as to hope for a
+seat in Congress, merely upon the possession of patriotic
+principles, or double-concentrated and refined integrity.
+Why, if George Washington was a Virginia farmer to-day,
+his chance for the Presidency wouldn't be a circumstance
+to that of Rufus Choate's, while there is hardly a lawyer
+attached to the Philadelphia bar that would not beat the
+old gentleman out of his top boots in running for the
+Senate! But we'll <i>cut</i> "wise saws" for a modern instance;
+let us attend a small "caucus" where incipient Demostheneses,
+Ciceros, and Mark Antonies most do congregate,
+and see things "workin'." It is night, a ward meeting of
+the unterrified, meat-axe, non-intervention&mdash;hats off&mdash;hit
+him again&mdash;butt-enders, have called a meeting to <i>caucus</i> for
+the coming fall contest. "Owing to the inclemency of the
+weather," and other causes too tedious to mention, of some
+eight hundred of the <i>unterrified, non-intervention&mdash;Cuban
+annexation&mdash;Wilmot proviso, compromise, meat-axe, hats
+off&mdash;hit him again&mdash;butt-enders</i>&mdash;only eighty attend the
+call. Of these eighty faithful, some forty odd are on the
+wing for office; one at least wants to work his way up to
+the gubernatorial chair, five to the Senate, ten to the
+"Assembly," fifteen to the mayoralty, and the balance to
+the custom house.</p>
+
+<p>Now, before the "curtain rises," little knots of the
+anxious multitude are seen here and there about the corners
+of the adjacent neighborhood and in the recesses of the
+caucus chamber, their heads together&mdash;caucusing on a
+small scale.</p>
+
+<p>"Flambang, who'd you think of puttin' up to-night for
+the <i>Senate</i>, in our ward?" asks a cadaverous, but earnest
+<i>unterrified</i>, of a brother in the same cause.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I swan, I don't know; what do you think of Jenkins?"</p>
+
+<p>"Jenkins?" leisurely responded the first speaker; "Jenkins
+is a pooty good sort of a man, but he ain't known;
+made himself rather unpop'ler by votin' agin that <i>grand
+junction railroad to the north pole</i> bill, afore the Legislature,
+three years ago; besides he's served two years in the
+Legislature, and been in the custom house two years; talks
+of going to California or somewhere else, next spring&mdash;so
+I-a, I-a&mdash;don't think much of Jenkins, anyhow!"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, then," says Flambang, "there's Dr. Rhubarb;
+what do you think of him? He's a sound <i>unterrified</i>, good man."</p>
+
+<p>"A&mdash;ye-e-e-s, the doctor's pooty good sort of a man,
+but I don't think its good policy to run doctors for office.
+If they are defeated it sours their minds equal to cream of
+tartar; it spiles their practice, and 'tween you and I, Flambang,
+if they takes a spite at a man that didn't vote for
+'em, and he gets sick, they're called in; how easy it is <i>for
+'em to poison us!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"Good gracious!&mdash;you don't say so?"</p>
+
+<p>"I <i>don't</i> say, of course I don't say so of Dr. Rhubarb.
+I only supposed a case," replied the wily <i>caucuser</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"A case? Yes-s-s; a feller would be a case, under
+them circumstances. I'm down on doctors, then, Twist;
+but what do you say to Blowpipes? He's one of our best speakers&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Gas!</i>" pointedly responded Twist.</p>
+
+<p>"Gas? Well, you voted for him last year, when he run
+for Congress; you were the first man to nominate him, too!"</p>
+
+<p>"So I was, and I voted for him, drummed for him, fifed
+and blowed; that was no reason for my thinking him the best
+man we had for the office. He's a demagogue, an ambitious,
+sly, selfish feller, as we could skeer up; but, he was in our
+way, we couldn't get shut of him; I proposed the nomination,
+and tried to elect him, so that we should get him out
+of the way of our local affairs, and more deserving and less
+pretendin' men could get a chance, don't you see? Now,
+Flambang, you're the man I'm goin' in for to-night!"</p>
+
+<p>"Me! Mr. Twist? Why, bless your soul, I don't want office!"</p>
+
+<p>"Come, now, don't be modest. I'll lay the ground-work,
+you'll be nominated&mdash;I'll not be known in it&mdash;you'll
+get the nomination&mdash;called out for a speech&mdash;so be on the
+trigger&mdash;give 'em a rouser, and you're in!"</p>
+
+<p>Poor Flambang, a modest, retiring man, peaceable proprietor
+of a small shop, in which, by the force of prudence
+and economy, he has laid up something, has a voice among
+his fellow-citizens and some influence, but would as soon
+attempt to carry a blazing pine knot into a powder magazine,
+or "ship" for a missionary to the Tongo Islands, as
+to run for the Legislature <i>and make a speech in public!</i>
+Twist knows it; he guesses shrewdly at the effect.</p>
+
+<p>"Why don't you run?" says Flambang, after many efforts
+to get his breath.</p>
+
+<p>"Me? Well, if you don't want to <i>run</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Run?</i> I would as soon think of jumping over the
+moon, as running for office!" answers Flambang. "But I
+thank you, thank <i>you</i> kindly, for your good intentions, for
+<i>your</i> confidence(!), Twist, and whatever good I can do for
+you, I'll do, and&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>Twist having secured the first step to his <i>plot</i>, enters the
+caucus chamber in deep and earnest consultation with
+Flambang, and while preparations are being made to "histe
+the rag," he is seen making converts to his sly purposes,
+upon the same principle by which he converted his modest
+friend, Flambang.</p>
+
+<p>"Who are you going in for to-night?" asks another
+"ambitious for distinction" <i>unterrified</i> of "a brother."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I don't know; it's hard to tell; good many wants
+to be nominated, and good many more than will be," was
+the cogent reply.</p>
+
+<p>"That's a fact!" was the equally clear response. "But
+'tween you and I, Pepper&mdash;I'd like to get the nomination for
+the Senate myself!"</p>
+
+<p>"No-o-o?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir; why shouldn't I? Hain't I stood by the party?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, and hain't I stood by it, hung by it, fastened to it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Pepper, you have; so have I; now, I'll tell you what
+I'll do. You hang by me, for the Senate, and I'll go in for
+you for the House."</p>
+
+<p>"Agreed; hang by 'em, give 'em a blast, first opening,
+and while you are fifing away for me, I'll go around for
+you, Captain Johns."</p>
+
+<p>"Flammer, you going to go in for Smithers, to-night?"
+asks another of "the party," of a confederate.</p>
+
+<p>"Smithers? I don't know about that; I don't think
+he's the right kind of a man for mayor, any how; do you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you know he's an almighty peart chap in talkin',
+and I guess he'll be elected, if he's nominated and goes around
+speaking; but here he is; let's feel his pulse." After a
+confab of some minutes between Flammer, Smithers, and
+Skyblue, things seem to be fixed to mutual satisfaction,
+and <ins title="someting">something</ins> is "dropped" about "go in for me for the
+Mayoralty, I'll go in for you for the Senate," etc.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't let on, that I'm <i>anxious</i>, at all, you know," says
+Smithers, to which the two allies Skyblue and Flammer
+respond&mdash;"O, of course not!"</p>
+
+<p>Now the curtain rises, the meeting's organized, with as
+much formality, fuss and fungus as the opening of the
+House of Parliament; soon is heard the work of balloting
+for nominations, and soon it is known that <i>Twist</i> is <i>the</i>
+man for the Senate&mdash;this calls <i>Twist</i> out; he spreads&mdash;feels
+overpowered&mdash;this unexpected (!) event&mdash;attending as a
+spectator, not anticipating any thing for himself&mdash;proud of
+the unexpected honor&mdash;had long served as a <i>private</i> in the
+ranks of the <i>unterrified</i>&mdash;die in the front of battle, if his
+friends thought proper, etc., etc. And Twist falls back,
+mid great applause of the multitude, to give way to Capt.
+Johns, who also felt overpowered by the unexpected rush
+of honor put upon him, in connecting his name with the
+senatorial ticket. He was proud of being thought capable
+of serving his country, etc., etc.; gave his friend Pepper
+"a first-rate notice." Pepper was nominated, made a
+speech, and so highly piled up the agony in favor of
+Smithers, that Smithers was nominated&mdash;made a speech in
+favor of Skyblue and Flammer, upon the force of which
+both were nominated&mdash;the wheel within a wheel worked
+elegant; and the organs next day were sublimely eloquent
+upon the result of the grand caucus&mdash;candidates&mdash;unanimity&mdash;etc.,
+etc., of these subterranean politicians. So are
+our great men manufactured for the public.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Affecting_Cruelty" id="Affecting_Cruelty"></a>Affecting Cruelty.</h2>
+
+
+<p>A hard-fisted "old hunker," who has made $30,000 in
+fifty-one years, by saving up rags, old iron, bones, soap-grease,
+snipping off the edges of halves, quarters, and nine-pences,
+raised the whole neighborhood t'other evening.
+He came across a full-faced Spanish ninepence, and in an
+attempt to extract the jaw-teeth of the head, the poor
+thing squealed so, that the bells rang, and the South End
+watchmen hollered fire for about an hour! This "old
+gentleman" has a way of <i>sweating</i> the crosses from a
+smooth fourpence, and makes them look so bran new, that
+he passes them for ten cent pieces! One case of his benevolence
+is "worthy of all praise;" he recently <i>gave away</i>
+to a poor Irishman's family, a bunch of cobwebs, and an
+old hat he had worn since the battle of Bunker Hill; upon
+these bounties the Irishman started into business; he boiled
+the hunker's hat, and it yielded a bar of soap and a dozen
+tallow candles! If old Smearcase continues to fool away
+his hard-earned wealth in that manner, his friends ought to
+buy an injunction on his <i>will!</i></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="The_Wolf_Slayer" id="The_Wolf_Slayer"></a>The Wolf Slayer.</h2>
+
+
+<p>In 1800 the most of the State of Ohio, and nearly all
+of Indiana, was a dense wilderness, where the gaunt wolf
+and naked savage were masters of the wild woods and fertile
+plains, which now, before the sturdy blows of the pioneer's
+axe, and the farmer's plough, has been with almost
+magical effect converted into rich farms and thriving, beautiful villages.</p>
+
+<p>In the early settlement of the west, the pioneers suffered
+not only from the ruthless savage, but fearfully from the
+<i>wolf</i>. Many are the tales of terror told of these ferocious
+enemies of the white man, and his civilization. Many was
+the hunter, Indian as well as the Angle-Saxon, whose
+bones, made marrowless by the prowling hordes of the dark
+forest, have been scattered and bleached upon the war-path
+or Indian trail of the back-woods. In 1812-13, my father
+was contractor for the north-western army, under command
+of Gen. Wm. Henry Harrison. He supplied the army
+with beef; he bought up cattle along the Sciota valley and
+Ohio river, and drove them out to the army, then located
+at Sandusky. Chillicothe, then, was a small settlement on
+the Sciota river, and protected by a block house or rude
+fort, in which the inhabitants could scramble if the Indians
+made their appearance. My father resided here, and having
+collected a large drove of cattle, he set out up the valley
+with a few mounted men as a kind of guard to protect
+the drove against the prowling minions of Tecumseh.</p>
+
+<p>The third day out, late in the afternoon, being very warm
+weather, there arose a most terrific thunder-storm; the
+huge trees, by the violence of the wind and sharp lightning,
+were uprooted and rent into thousands of particles,
+and the panic-stricken herd scattered in every direction. I
+have seen the havoc made in forests through which one of
+these tornadoes has taken its way, or I should be incredulous
+to suppose whole acres of trees, hundreds of years
+old, could be torn up, or snapped off like reeds upon the river side.</p>
+
+<p>The fury of the whirlwind seemed to increase as the night
+grew darker, until cattle, men and horses, were killed, crippled
+and dispersed. My father crawled under the lee of a large
+sycamore that had fell, and here, partly protected from the
+rain and falling timber, he lay down. I have camped out
+some, and can readily anticipate the comfort of the old gentleman's
+situation, and not at all disposed was he to go to
+sleep mounted upon such guard.</p>
+
+<p>At length the work of destruction and ruin being done,
+the storm abated, the rain ceased to <i>pour</i> and the winds to
+wag their noisy tongues so furiously. A wolf <i>howl</i>, and of
+all fearful howls, or yelps uttered by beasts of prey, none
+can, I think, be more alarming and terrific to the ear than
+the <i>wolf</i> howl as he scents carnage. A wolf howl broke
+fearfully upon the drover's ear as he lay crouched beneath
+the sycamore. It was a familiar sound, and therefore, and
+<i>then</i> the more dreadful. The drover carried a good Yeager
+rifle, knife, and pistols, but a man laden with arms in the
+midst of a troop of famished wolves, was as helpless as the
+tempest-tossed mariner in the midst of the ocean's storm.
+The <i>howl</i> had scarcely echoed over the dark wood, before
+it was answered by dozens on every side! And as the
+drover's keen eye pierced the gloom around him, the dancing,
+fiery glare of the wolf's eyes met his wistful gaze.</p>
+
+<p>The forest now resounded with the maddened banqueting
+beast, and as the glaring eyes came nearer and nearer,
+the drover hugged his Yeager tightly, and prepared to defend
+life while yet it lasted. Suddenly the sharp crack
+of a rifle was heard, and then a loud scream or cry of terror
+burst upon the air, a rushing sound, a man pursued by a
+troop of wolves fled by the drover and his cover; scream
+after scream rent the air, and the drover knew that a companion
+had fell a victim to the wolf in his attempt at self-defence.
+The night was a long one, and thus, among the
+savage beasts, a fearful one. The report of another rifle
+again broke upon the ear, and again, and again did the
+hunting iron speak, and the wolf howl salute it. A pair
+of eyes glared hurriedly upon the drover, and he could not
+resist the desire to use his Yeager, and the wolf taking the
+contents of the rifle in his mouth, rolled over, while a score
+rushed up to fill his place. Oh! how dreadful must have
+been the suspense and feelings of the drover as he lay
+crouched under the old tree, surrounded by this horde of
+glaring eyes, his ears split with their awful <i>howl</i>, and their
+hot and venomous breath fairly in his face! But the wolf
+is a base coward, and will not meet a man eye to eye, and
+so protected lay the drover, with his clenched teeth and
+unquivering eye, that the wolf had no chance to attack,
+but by rushing up to his very front. The red tongue
+lapped, the fierce teeth were arrayed and the demon eyes
+glaring, but the drover quailed not, and the cowardly wolf
+stood at bay. The sharp crack of the distant rifle still
+smote upon the air and the loud howl still went up over the
+forest around. The first faint streaks that deck the sky at
+morn, the fresh breath of coming day caught the keen scent
+of the bloody prowlers, and they began to skulk off. The
+drover gave the retreating cowards a farewell shot from his
+pistols, tumbled a lank, grey demon over, and the wolf howl
+soon died off in the distance.</p>
+
+<p>Daylight now appeared, and the drover crawled from his
+lair. His loud <i>whoop!</i> to the disbanded men and drove
+was answered by the neigh of a horse, who came galloping
+up, and proved to be his own good hunter, who seemed
+happy indeed to meet his master. Another <i>whoop-e</i> brought
+a responsive shout, and finally four men out of the twelve,
+with seven horses and a few straggling cattle, were mustered.
+The forest was strewn with torn carcasses of cattle and
+horses, mostly killed by the falling timber, and partly devoured
+by the ravenous wolves. A few hundred yards
+from the tree where the drover lay, was found a few fragments
+of clothes, the knife and rifle, and a half-eaten body
+of one of the soldiers. He had fought with the desperation
+of a mad man, and the dead and crippled wolves lay
+as trophies around the bold soldier. In a hollow near the
+river they found a horse and man partly eaten up, and several
+cattle that had apparently been hotly pursued and torn
+to death by the rapacious beasts. They started out in
+search of the spot from whence the drover had heard the
+firing in the night. They soon discovered the place; at the
+foot of a large dead sycamore stump, some twelve feet high
+lay the carcasses of a dozen or twenty wolves. Each wolf
+had his scalp neatly taken off, and his head elaborately
+bored by the rifle ball. An Indian ladder, that is, a scrubby
+saplin', trimmed with footholds left on it, was laying against
+the old tree, at the top of which was a sort of a rude scaffold,
+contrived, evidently, by a hunter. At a distance, in a
+hollow, was seen a great profusion of wolf skulls and bones,
+but no sign of a human being could there be traced. The
+party made a fire, and as beef lay plenty around, they regaled
+themselves heartily, after their night of horror and
+disaster. Having finished their repast, they separated,
+each taking different courses to hunt and drive up such of
+the stray cattle as could be found. My father, whom I have
+designated as the drover, pursued his way over the vast
+piles of fallen, tangled timber, leaping from one tree to the
+other. As he was about to throw himself over the trunk
+of a mighty prostrate oak, he found himself within two
+feet of one of the largest and most ferocious wolves that
+ever expanded its broad jaws and displayed its fierce tushes
+to the eye of man. Both parties were taken so suddenly
+by surprise, by this collision, that they seemed to be rooted
+to the spot without power to move. I have heard of serpents
+charming birds, said the drover, but I never believed
+in the theory until I found myself fairly magnetized by this
+great she-wolf. The wolf stood and snarled with its golden
+fiery eye bent upon the drover, who never moved his steady
+gaze from the wolf's face.</p>
+
+<p>There is not a beast in existence that will attack a man
+if he keeps his eyes steady upon the animal, but will cower
+and sneak off, and so did the wolf. But no sooner had she
+turned her head and with a howl started off, than a blue
+pill from the drover's Yeager split her skull, and brought
+her career to a speedy termination.</p>
+
+<p><i>Whoo-ep!</i></p>
+
+<p>A shout so peculiar to the lusty lungs of the western
+hunter made the welkin ring again, and as the astonished
+drover turned towards the shouter, he beheld a sight that
+proved quite as formidable as the wolf he had just slain.</p>
+
+<p>"Well done, stranger; you're the man for me; I like
+you. That shot done my heart good, though I was about
+to do the old she devil's business for ye, seeing as you war
+sort o' close quartered with the varmint."</p>
+
+<p>"Thank you," responded the drover, addressing the
+speaker, a tall, gaunt, iron-featured, weather-beaten figure,
+with long grey hair, and a rude suit of wolf-skin clothing,
+cap and moccasins. He held in his long arms a large rifle,
+a knife in his belt, and a powder horn slung over his side.
+He seemed the very patriarch of the woods, but good humored,
+and with his rough hilarity soon explained his presence there.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, stranger," said he, "you have had a mighty
+chance of bad luck yer last night, and I never saw them
+cursed varmints so crazy afore."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you live in these parts?" inquired the drover.</p>
+
+<p>"Ha! ha! yes, yes," replied the hunter. "I live yer,
+I live anywhar's whar wolf can be found. But you don't
+know me, I reckon, stranger?"</p>
+
+<p>"I do not," said the drover.</p>
+
+<p>"Ha! ha! well, that's quare, mighty quare. I thought
+thar warn't a man this side the blue ridge but what knows
+me and old <i>kit</i> here, (his rifle.) Well, seeing you are a
+stranger, I'll just take that old sarpent's top-knot off, and
+have a talk with ye."</p>
+
+<p>With this introductory of matters, the hunter in the wolf-skins
+scalped the wolf, and tucking the scalp in his belt,
+motioned the drover to follow. He led the way in deep
+silence some half a mile to a small stream, down which
+they proceeded for some distance, until they came to a low
+and rudely-constructed cabin. Here the hunter requested
+the drover to take a seat on a log, in front of the cabin,
+while he entered through a small aperture in his hut,
+and brought forth a pipe, tobacco, and some dried meat.
+These dainties being discussed, old Nimrod the mean time
+kept chuckling to himself, and mumbling over the idea that
+there should be a white man or <i>Ingin</i> this side the blue
+ridge that didn't know <i>him</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"Ha! ha! well, well, I swar, it is curious, stranger, that
+you don't know me, <i>me</i> that kin show more <i>Ingin</i> skelps
+than any white man that ever trod these war paths; <i>me</i>,
+who kin shoot more wolves and fetch in more of the varmints'
+skelps in one night than any white man or <i>Ingin</i> that
+ever trod this wilderness. But I'm gittin' old, very old,
+forgotten, and here comes a white man clean and straight
+from the settlements and he don't know me; I swar I've
+lived to be clean ashamed o' myself." And with this soliloquy,
+half to himself and partly addressed to the drover,
+the old hunter seemed almost fit to cry, at his imaginary
+insignificance and dotage.</p>
+
+<p>"But, friend," said the drover, "as you have not yet informed
+me by what name I may call you&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Call</i> me, stranger? why I <i>am</i>"&mdash;and here his eyes
+glared as he threw himself into a heroic attitude&mdash;"Chris
+Green, <i>old</i> Chris Green, the <i>wolf slayer!</i> But, God bless
+ye, stranger, p'r'aps you're from t'other side the ridge, and
+don't know old Chris's history."</p>
+
+<p>"That I frankly admit," replied the drover.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, God bless ye, I love my fellow white men, yes, I
+do, though I live yer by myself, and clothe myself with the
+varmints' skins, go but seldom to the settlements, and live
+on what old kit thar provides me.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, stranger, my history's a mighty mournful one,
+but as yer unlucky like myself and plenty of business to
+'tend to 'fore night, I'll make my troubles short to ye.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you see about thirty years ago, I left the blue
+ridge with a party of my neighbors to come down yer in
+the Sciota country, to see it, and lay plans to drive the
+cussed red skins clean out of it. Well, the red skins
+appeared rather quiet, what few we fell in with, and
+monstrous civil. But cuss the sarpints, there's no more
+dependence to be put in 'em than the <ins title="catankerous">cantankerous</ins> wolves,
+and roast 'em, I always sets old kit talkin' Dutch to
+them varmints, the moment I claps eyes on 'em. The
+wolf's my nat'ral inimy&mdash;I'd walk forty miles to git old kit
+a wolf skelp. Well, we travelled all over the valley, and
+we gin it as our opinion that the Sciota country was the
+garden spot o' the world, and if we could only defend ourselves
+'gainst the inimy we should move right down yer at
+once. We went back home, and the next spring a hull
+settlement on us came down yer. My neighbors thought
+it best for us all to settle down together at Chillicothe, whar
+a few Ingin huts and cabins war. I had a wife, and son
+and da'ter; now, stranger, I loved 'em as dearer to me 'nor
+life or heart's blood itself. Well, the red skins soon began
+to show their pranks&mdash;they stole our cre'ters (horses), shot
+down our cattle, and made all manner o' trouble for the
+little settlement. At last I proposed we should build a
+clever-sized block house, strong and stanch, in which our
+wimen folks and children, with a few men to guard 'em,
+could hold out a few days, while a handful o' us scoured
+Paint hills and the country about, and peppered a few of
+the cussed red devils. We had been out some four or five
+days when we fell in with the inimy; it war just about
+sunset, and the red skins war camped in a hollow close by
+this spot. We intended to let 'em get through their smoking
+and stretch themselves for the night, and then squar
+our accounts with 'em. Stranger, I've lived in these woods
+thirty years, I never saw such a hurricane as we had yer
+last night, 'cept once. The night we lay in ambush for the
+<i>Ingins</i>, six-and-twenty years ago, thar came up a hurricane,
+the next mornin' eleven of the bodies of my neighbors lay
+crushed along the bottom yer, and for a hundred miles
+along the Sciota, whar the hurricane passed, the great
+walnuts and sycamore lay blasted, root and branch, just as
+straight as ye'd run a bee line; no timber grow'd upon
+these bottoms since. Five on us escaped the hurricane,
+but before day we fell in with a large party of red skins,
+and we fought 'em like devils; three on us fell; myself and
+the only neighbor left war obliged to fly to the hills. I
+made my way to the settlement.</p>
+
+<p>"Stranger, when I looked down from the hills of Paint
+creek, and saw the block house scattered over the bottom,
+and not a cabin standin' or a livin' cre'ter to be seen in the
+settlement of Chillicothe, my heart left me; I become a
+woman at once, and sot down and cry'd as if I'd been
+whipped to death." The old man's voice grew husky, and
+the tears suffused his eyes, but after a few sighs and a tear,
+he proceeded:</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you see, stranger, a man cannot always be a child,
+nor a woman, either; my crying spell appeared to ease my
+heart amazin'ly. I shouldered old kit here, and down I
+went to examine things. The hurricane had scattered
+every thing; the fire had been at work too, but, great God!
+the bloody <i>wolf</i> had been thar, the settlement was kivered
+with the bloody bones of my own family and friends; if any
+had escaped the hurricane, the fire or wolf, the <i>Ingins</i> finished
+'em, for I never seen 'em afterwards; I couldn't bear
+to stay about the place, I'd no home, friend, or kindred. I
+took to the woods, and swore eternal death to the red skins
+and my nat'ral inimy, the <i>wolf!</i> I've been true to my
+word, stranger; that cabin is lined with skelps and ornamented
+with Ingin <i>top-knots!</i> Look in, ha! ha! see there!
+they may well call old Chris the <i>Wolf Slayer!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>The drover regaled his eyes on the trophies of the old
+forlorn hunter, and then visited the <i>perch</i>, which was situated
+close by a "deer lick," where wolves resorted to fall
+upon their victims. And from this <i>perch</i> old <i>Wolf Slayer</i>
+had made fearful work upon his nat'ral inimy the night previous.
+The old hunter assisted, during the day, to collect
+such of the scattered drove as yet were alive or to be found;
+the men came with another of their companions, and the
+small drove and men left the scene of terror and disaster,
+wishing a God-speed to the <i>Wolf Slayer</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="knew_em_All" id="knew_em_All"></a>The Man that knew 'em All.</h2>
+
+
+<p>If you have ever "been around" some, and taken notice
+of things, you have doubtless seen the man who knows
+pretty much every thing and every body!</p>
+
+<p>I've seen them frequently. As the old preacher observed
+to a venerable lady, in reference to <i>forerunners</i>, "I see
+'em now." Well, talking of that rare and curious specimen
+of the human family, the man that knows every body,
+I've rather an amusing reminiscence of "one of 'em."
+Stopping over night at the Virginia House, in that jumping
+off place of Western Virginia, Wheeling, some years
+ago, I had the pleasure or pastime of meeting several of
+the big guns of the nation, on their way from Washington
+city, home. It was in August, I think, when, as is most
+generally the case, the Ohio river gets monstrous low and
+feeble; when all of the large steamers are past getting up
+so far, and travelling down the river becomes quite amusing
+to amateurs, and particularly tedious and monotonous
+to business people, bound home. Three hundred travellers,
+more or less, were laying back at the "Virginia" and
+"United States," in the aforesaid hardscrabble of a city,
+or town, waiting for the river to get up, or some means for
+them to get down.</p>
+
+<p>The session of Congress had closed at Washington, some
+time before, and as almost all of the M. C.'s, U. S. S.'s,
+wire pullers, hangers on, blacklegs, horse jockeys, etc., etc.,
+came over "the National Road" to Wheeling, to take the
+river for Southern and Western destinations, of course the
+assemblage at that place, at that time, was promiscuous,
+and quite interesting; at least, Western and Southern men
+always make themselves happy and interesting, home or
+abroad, and particularly so when travelling. It was a glorious
+thing for the proprietors of the hotels, to have such
+a host of guests, as a house full of company always is a
+"host," the guests having nothing else to do but lay back,
+eat, drink, and be merry, and foot the bills when ready, or
+when opportunity offers, to&mdash;&mdash; go.</p>
+
+<p>They drank and smoked, and drank again, and told jests,
+and played games and tricks, and thus passed the time
+along. Among the multitude was one of those ever-talkative
+and chanting men of the world, who knew all places
+and all men&mdash;as <i>he</i> would have it. Just after removing the
+cloth, at dinner, a knot of the old jokers, bacchanalians and
+wits, settled away in a cluster, at the far end of a long
+table, and were having a very pleasant time. The man of
+all talk was there; he was the very <i>nucleus</i> of all that was
+being said or done. He was from below, somewhere, on
+his way, as he informed the crowd, to Washington city,
+upon affairs of no slight importance to himself and the
+country in general.</p>
+
+<p>"Oho!" says one of the party, a sly, winking, fat and
+rosy gentleman, whom we shall designate hereafter, "you're
+bound to the capital, eh?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, <i>sir</i>," responded the man of all talk.</p>
+
+<p>"Of course you've been there before?" says the interrogator,
+nudging a friend, and winking at the rest.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>What?</i> Me been in Washington before? Ha, ha! <i>me</i> been
+<i>there</i> before! Bless you, me <i>been</i> in Washington city!"</p>
+
+<p>"Oho! ha, ha!" says the interrogator, "you're one of
+the caucus folks, eh? One of them wire pullers we read
+about, eh?"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Me?</i> Caucus? Ha, ha! Mum's the word, gents,
+(looking killingly cunning.) Come, gentlemen, let's fill up.
+Ha, ha! me pulling the&mdash;ha, ha! Well, here's to the old
+Constitution; let's hang by her, while there's a&mdash;a&mdash;a button
+on Jabe's coat."</p>
+
+<p>And they all responded, of course, to this eloquent sentiment.</p>
+
+<p>"Here's to Jabe's buttons, coat, hat, and breeches."</p>
+
+<p>"Excuse me," continued the first operator, after the
+toast was wet down, "you'll please excuse me, in behalf
+of some of my friends here; as you've been down in that
+dratted place, and must know a good deal of the goings on
+there, I'd like to inquire about a few things we Western
+folks don't more than get an inkling of, through the papers."</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly; go on, sir," says the victim, assuming all the
+dignity and depth of a man that's appealed to to settle a
+ponderous matter.</p>
+
+<p>"I'd like to inquire if those Kitchen Cabinet disclosures
+of the Pennsylvania Senator, were true. Had you ever any
+means of satisfying yourself that there is, or was, a real service
+of gold in the President's house?"</p>
+
+<p>"Aye! that's what we'd all like to know," says another.</p>
+
+<p>"How many pieces were there?"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>What</i> were they?"</p>
+
+<p>"Aye, and what their <i>heft</i> was?"</p>
+
+<p>"Mum, gentlemen; let's drink&mdash;no tales out of school,
+ha, ha! No, no&mdash;mum's the word." And looking funny
+and deep, merry and wise, all at one and the same time, the
+man of all talk proposed to drink and keep&mdash;&mdash; <i>mum</i>.</p>
+
+<p>But they wouldn't drink, and insisted on the secret being
+let out&mdash;they wanted a decided and positive answer, from a
+man who knew the ropes.</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen," said the victim, dropping his voice into a
+sort of melo-dramatic stage whisper, and stooping quite
+over the table, so as to collect the several heads and ears
+as close into a phalanx as possible: "gentlemen, it's a <i>fact!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"What?" says the party.</p>
+
+<p>"All gold!" says the victim.</p>
+
+<p>"A gold service?" inquires the party.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Thirty-eight pieces!</i>" continued the victim.</p>
+
+<p>"Solid gold?" chimed the rest.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Just half a ton in heft!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"You don't tell us <i>that</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>"Know it; eat out of 'em, <i>then weighed 'em all!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"P-h-e-w!" whistled some, while others went into
+stronger exclamations.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Fact, by the great</i>&nbsp;&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, it's all right, sir; no doubt of it now, sir," said
+the mover of the business, grasping the victim's upraised arm.</p>
+
+<p>"Then, of course, sir, you're well acquainted with Matty
+Van; on good terms with the little Magician," continued
+the leading wag.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Me?</i> me on good terms with Matty? Ha, ha! that is
+a good joke; never go to Washington without cracking a
+bottle with the little fox, and staying over night with him.
+<i>Me</i> on good terms with Matty? <i>We've had many a spree
+together!</i> Yes, <i>sir!</i>" and the knowing one winked right and left.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, there's old Bullion," continued one of the interrogators,
+a fine portly old gent, "you know him, of course?"</p>
+
+<p>"What, Tom Benton? Bless your souls, I don't know
+my letters half as well as I know old Tom."</p>
+
+<p>"And Bill Allen, of Ohio?" asked another. "What
+sort of a fellow is Bill?"</p>
+
+<p>"Bill Allen? Lord O! isn't he a coon? Bill Allen?
+I wish I had a dime for every horn, and game of bluff, we've
+had together."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, there's another of 'em," inquiringly asked a fat,
+farmer-looking old codger: "Dr. Duncan, how's he stand
+down there about Washington?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, well, he's a pretty good sort of an old chap, but,
+gents, between you and I, (with another whisper,) there is
+a good deal of the 'old fogie' senna and salts about him.
+But then he's death and the pale hoss on poker."</p>
+
+<p>"What, Doctor Duncan?" says they.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, y-e-e-s, of course. Didn't he skin me out of my
+watch last winter, playing poker, at Willard's?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well," continued the fat farmer-looking man, "I didn't
+know Duncan <i>gambled</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>"Mum, not a word out of school; ha, ha! Let's drink,
+gents. Gamble? Lord bless you, it's common as dish-water
+down there&mdash;I've played euchre for hours with old Tom
+Benton, Harry Clay and Gen. Scott, <i>right behind the speaker's chair!</i>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Then</i> they all <i>drank</i>, of course, and some of the party
+liked to have choked. The company now proposed to adjourn
+to the smoking room, and they arose and left the
+table accordingly. The man of all talk promenaded out
+on to the steps, and in course of half an hour, says the
+leading spirit of the late dinner, or wine party, to him:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. &mdash;&mdash;a&mdash;a&mdash;?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ferguson, sir; George Adolphus Ferguson is my address,
+sir," responded the victim.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Ferguson, did you know that your friend Benton
+was in town?" inquired the wag.</p>
+
+<p>"What, Tom Benton here?"</p>
+
+<p>"And Allen," continued the wag.</p>
+
+<p>"What, Bill Allen, too?" says the victim.</p>
+
+<p>"And Doctor Duncan."</p>
+
+<p>"You don't tell me all them fellows are here?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir, your friends are all here. Come in and see
+them; your friends will be delighted," says the wag, taking
+Mister Ferguson by the arm, to lead him in.</p>
+
+<p>"Ha, ha! I'm a&mdash;a&mdash;ha, ha! <i>won't</i> we have a time? But
+you just step in&mdash;I a&mdash;I'll be in in one moment," but in less
+than half the time, Mr. Ferguson mizzled, no one knew whither!</p>
+
+<p>The gentlemen at the table, it is almost needless to say,
+were no others than Benton, Allen, Duncan, and some three
+or four other arbiters of the fate of our immense and glorious
+nation, in her councils, and fresh from the capital.</p>
+
+<p>Ferguson has not been heard of since.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Spell_of_Sickness" id="Spell_of_Sickness"></a>A Severe Spell of Sickness.</h2>
+
+
+<p>It is the easiest thing under heaven to be sick, if you
+can afford it. What it costs some rich men for family
+sickness per annum, would keep all the children in "a poor
+neighborhood" in "vittels" and clothes the year round.
+When old Cauliflower took sick, once in a long life-time, he
+was prevailed upon to send for Dr. Borax, and it was some
+weeks before Cauliflower got down stairs again. At the end
+of the year Dr. Borax sent in his bill; the amount gave
+Cauliflower spasms in his pocket-book, and threatened a
+whole year's profits with strangulation.</p>
+
+<p>"Doctor," says Cauliflower, "that bill of yours is all-fired
+steep, isn't it?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, sir," says Borax; "your case was a dangerous case&mdash;I
+never raised a man from the grave with such difficulty,
+in all my practice!"</p>
+
+<p>"But, fifty-three <i>calls</i>, doctor, one hundred and six dollars."</p>
+
+<p>"Exactly&mdash;two dollars a visit, sir," said the urbane doctor.</p>
+
+<p>"And twenty-seven prescriptions, four plasters, &amp;c.&mdash;eighty-one dollars!"</p>
+
+<p>"One hundred and eighty-seven dollars, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," says Cauliflower, "this may be all very <i>well</i> for
+people who can af-<i>ford</i> it, but I can't; there's your money,
+doctor, but I'll bet you won't catch me sick as that again&mdash;<i>soon!</i>"</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="of_the_Aldermen" id="of_the_Aldermen"></a>The Race of the Aldermen.</h2>
+
+
+<p>In 183-, it chanced in the big city of New York, that
+the aldermen elect were a sort of <i>tie</i>; that is, so many
+whigs and so many democrats. Such a thing did not occur
+often, the democracy usually having the supremacy. They
+generally had things pretty much all their own way, and
+distributed their favors among their partizans accordingly.
+The whigs at length <i>tied</i> them, and the <i>locos</i>, beholding
+with horror and misgivings, the new order of things which
+was destined to turn out many a holder of fat office, many
+a pat-riot overflowing with democratic patriotism, whose
+devotion to the cause of the country was manifest in the
+tenacity with which he clung to his place, were extremely
+anxious to devise ways and means to keep the whigs at
+bay; and as the day drew near, when the assembled Board of
+Aldermen should have their sitting at the City Hall, various
+<i>dodges</i> were proposed by the locos to out-vote the whigs, in
+questions or decisions touching the distribution of places,
+and appointment of men to fill the various stations of the
+new municipal government.</p>
+
+<p>"I have it&mdash;I've got it!" exclaimed a round and jolly
+alderman of a democratic ward. "To-night the Board
+meets&mdash;we stand about eight and eight&mdash;this afternoon, let
+two of us invite two of the whigs, Alderman H&mdash;&mdash; and
+Alderman J&mdash;&mdash;, out to a dinner at Harlem, get H&mdash;&mdash;
+and J&mdash;&mdash; tight as wax, and then we can slip off, take our
+conveyance, come in, and vote the infernal whigs just where
+we want them!"</p>
+
+<p>"Capital! prime! Ha, ha, ha!" says one.</p>
+
+<p>"First rate! elegant! ha, ha, ha!" shouts another.</p>
+
+<p>"Ha, ha! haw! haw! he, he, he!" roared all the locys.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, gentlemen, let's all throw in a V apiece, to defray
+expenses; we, you know, of course, must put the whigs
+<i>through</i>, and we must give them a rouse they won't forget
+soon. Champagne and turtle, that's the ticket; coach for
+four <i>out</i> and two <i>in</i>. Ha, ha!&mdash;The whigs shall see the elephant!"</p>
+
+<p>Well, the purse was made up, the coach hired, and the
+two victims, the poor whigs, were carted out under the
+pretence of a grand aldermanic feast to Harlem, the scene
+of many a spree and jollification with the city fathers, and
+other bon vivants and gourmands of Gotham.</p>
+
+<p>Dinner fit for an emperor being discussed, sundry bottles
+of "Sham" were uncorked, and their effervescing contents
+decanted into the well-fed bodies of the four aldermen.
+Toasts and songs, wit and humor, filled up the time, until
+the democrats began to think it was time that one of them
+slipped out, took the carriage back to the city, leaving the
+other to <i>fuddle</i> the two whigs, and detain them until affairs
+at "the Tea Room," City Hall, were settled to the entire
+satisfaction of the democrats.</p>
+
+<p>"Landlord," says one of the democrats, whom we will
+call Brown, "landlord, have you any conveyance, horses,
+wagons, carriages or carts, by which any of my friends
+could go back to town to-night, if they wish?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes," says the landlord, "certainly&mdash;I can send the
+gentlemen in if they wish."</p>
+
+<p>"Very well, sir,&mdash;they may get very <i>tight</i> before they
+desire to return&mdash;they are men of families, respectable citizens,
+and I do not wish them, under any circumstances, to
+leave your house until morning. Whatever the bill is I will
+foot, provided you deny them any of your means to go in
+to-night. You understand!"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! yes, sir&mdash;if you request it as a matter of favor,
+that I shall keep your friends here, I will endeavor to do
+so&mdash;but hadn't you better attend to them yourself?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you see," says Brown, "I have business of importance
+to transact&mdash;must be in town this evening. Give
+the party all they wish&mdash;put that in your fob&mdash;(handing the
+host an X)&mdash;post up your bill in the morning, and I'll be
+out bright and early to make all square. Do you hark?"
+says Brown.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes, sir&mdash;all right," responded the landlord.</p>
+
+<p>Brown gave his confederate the <i>cue</i>, stepped out, promising
+to "be in in a minute," and then, getting into a
+carriage, he drove back to the city, almost tickled to death
+with the idea of how nicely the whigs would be "dished"
+when they all met at the City Hall, and came up minus <i>two!</i></p>
+
+<p>Smith, Brown's loco friend, did his best to keep the
+thing up, by calling in the New Jersey thunder and lightning&mdash;vulgarly
+known as Champagne&mdash;and even walked
+into the aforesaid t. and l. so deeply himself, that a man with
+half an eye might see Smith would be as blind as an owl
+in the course of the evening. But Smith was bound to do
+the thing up brown, and thought no sacrifice too great or
+too expensive to preserve the loaves and fishes of his party.
+All of a sudden, however, night was drawing on a pace,
+the whigs began to smell a <i>mice</i>. The absence of Brown,
+and the excessive politeness and liberality of Smith, in hurrying
+up the bottles, settled it in the minds of the whigs,
+that something was going on dangerous to the whig cause,
+and that they had better look out&mdash;<i>and so they did</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"Jones," says one of the whigs, <i>sotto voce</i>, to the other,
+"Brown has cleared; it is evident he and Smith calculate
+to corner us here, prevent your presence in 'the Tea Room'
+to-night, and thus defeat your vote."</p>
+
+<p>"The deuce! You don't think that, Hall, do you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Faith, I do; but we won't be caught napping. Waiter,
+bring in a bottle of brandy."</p>
+
+<p>"Brandy?" said Smith, in astonishment. "Why, you
+ain't going to dive right into it, in that way, are you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why not?" says Hall. "Brandy's the best thing in
+the world to settle your nerves after getting half fuddled
+on Champagne, my boy; just you try it&mdash;take a good stiff
+horn. Brown, you see, has <i>cut</i>, we must follow; so let's
+straighten up and get ready for a start. Here's to 'the
+loaves and fishes.'" Jones and Hall took their horns of
+Cogniac, which does really make some men sober as judges
+after they are very drunk on real or spurious Champagne.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," says Smith, "it's my opinion we'll all be very
+<i>tight</i> going in this way, brandy on Champagne; but here
+goes to the fishes and loaves&mdash;the loaves and fishes, I mean."</p>
+
+<p>The brandy had a rather contrary effect from what it does
+usually; it did <i>settle</i> Smith&mdash;in five minutes he was so very
+"boozy" that his chin bore down upon his breast, he became
+as "limber as a rag," and snored like a pair of bagpipes.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, Jones," says Hall, "let's be off. Landlord, get
+us a gig, wagon, carriage, cart, any thing, and let's be off;
+we must be in town immediately."</p>
+
+<p>"Sorry, gentlemen, but can't oblige you&mdash;haven't a vehicle
+on the premises!"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, confound it, you don't pretend to say you can't
+send us into town to-night, do you?" says Jones, waxing uneasy.</p>
+
+<p>"Haven't you a horse, jackass, mule or a wheelbarrow&mdash;any
+thing, so we can be carted in, right off, too?" says Hall.</p>
+
+<p>"Can't help it, gentlemen."</p>
+
+<p>"What time do the <i>cars</i> come along?" eagerly inquires Jones.</p>
+
+<p>"About nine o'clock," coolly replies the host.</p>
+
+<p>"Nine fools!" shouted the discomfited alderman. "But
+this won't do; come, Jones, no help for it&mdash;can't fool us in
+that way&mdash;eight miles to the City Hall&mdash;two hours to do it
+in; off coat and <i>let's foot it!</i>"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>The City Hall clock had just struck 7 <span class="smcap">p. m.</span>, the Tea
+Room was lighted up, the assembled wisdom of the municipal
+government had their toadies, and reporters and lookers-on
+were there; the room was quite full. Brown was
+there, in the best of spirits, and the locos all fairly snorted
+with glee at the scientific manner in which Brown had
+"done" Jones and Hall out of their votes! The business
+of the evening was climaxing: the whigs missing two of
+their number, were in quite a spasm of doubt and fear.
+The chairman called the meeting to order. The roll was
+called: seven "good and true" locos answered the call.
+Six whigs had answered: the seventh was being called: the
+locos were grinning, and twisting their fingers at the apex
+of their noses!</p>
+
+<p>"Alderman Jones! Alderman Jones!" bawled the roll-caller.</p>
+
+<p>"Here!" roared the missing individual, bursting into the room.</p>
+
+<p>"Alderman Hall!" continued the roll.</p>
+
+<p>"Here!" responded that notable worthy, rushing in, entirely blowed out.</p>
+
+<p>"Beat, by thunder!" roared the locos, in grand chorus;
+and in the modern classics of the Bowery, "they wasn't
+any thing else." The whigs not only had the cut but the
+entire <i>deal</i> in the appointments that time, and Alderman
+Brown had a <i>bill</i> at Harlem, a little more serious to foot
+than the racing of the aldermen to get a chance to vote.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Getting_Square" id="Getting_Square"></a>Getting Square.</h2>
+
+
+<p>It seems to be just as natural for a subordinate in a
+"grocery" to levy upon the <i>till</i>, for material aid to his
+own pocket, as for the sparks to fly upwards or water run
+down hill. Innumerable stories are told of the peculations
+of these "light-fingered gentry," but one of the best of
+the boodle is a story we are now about to dress up and trot
+out, for your diversion.</p>
+
+<p>A tavern-keeper in this city, some years ago, advertised
+for a bar-keeper, "a young man from the country preferred!"
+Among the several applicants who exhibited
+themselves "for the vacancy," was a decent, harmless-looking
+youth whose general <i>contour</i> at once struck the tavern-keeper
+with most favorable impressions.</p>
+
+<p>"So you wish to try your hand tending bar?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir," said he.</p>
+
+<p>"Have you ever tended bar?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, sir; but I do not doubt my ability to learn."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, yes, you can learn fast enough," says the tavern-keeper.
+"In fact, I'm glad you are green at the business,
+you will suit me the better; the last fellow I had come to
+me recommended as one of the best bar-keepers in New
+Orleans; he was posted up in all the fancy drinks and fancy
+names, he wore fancy clothes and had a fancy dog, and I
+fancied pretty soon that the rascal had taken a fancy to my
+small change, so I discharged him in double quick time."</p>
+
+<p>"Served him right, sir," said the new applicant.</p>
+
+<p>"Of course I did. Well now, sir, I'll engage you; you
+can get the 'run' of things in a few weeks. I will give you
+twenty-five dollars a month, first month, and thirty dollars a
+month for the balance of the year."</p>
+
+<p>"I'll accept it, sir," says the youth.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you think it's enough?"</p>
+
+<p>"O, yes, indeed, sir!"</p>
+
+<p>"Well," says Boniface. "Now mark me, young man,
+I will pay you, punctually, but you mustn't pay yourself
+extra wages!"</p>
+
+<p>"Pay myself?" says the unsophisticated youth.</p>
+
+<p>"Musn't take 'the run' of the till!"</p>
+
+<p>"Run of the till?"</p>
+
+<p>"No knocking down, sir!"</p>
+
+<p>"O, bless you!" quoth the verdant youth, "I am as
+good-natured as a lamb; I never knocked any body down
+in all my life."</p>
+
+<p>"Ha! ha!" ejaculated the landlord; "he <i>is</i> green, so I
+won't teach him what he don't know. What's your name?"</p>
+
+<p>"Absalom Hart, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"Good Christian-like name, and I've no doubt we shall
+agree together, for a long time; so go to work."</p>
+
+<p>Absalom "pitched in," a whole year passed, Absalom
+and the landlord got along slick as a whistle. Another
+year, two, three, four; never was there a more attentive,
+diligent and industrious bar-keeper behind a marble slab,
+or armed with a toddy stick. He was the <i>ne plus ultra</i>
+of bar-keepers, a perfect paragon of toddy mixers. But
+one day, somehow or other, the landlord found himself in
+custody of the sheriff, bag and baggage. Business had not
+fallen off, every thing seemed properly managed, but, somehow
+or other, the landlord broke, failed, caved in, and the
+sheriff sold him out.</p>
+
+<p>Who bought the concern? Absalom Hart&mdash;nobody
+else. Some of the people were astonished.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, who would have thought it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Hurrah for Absalom!"</p>
+
+<p>"By George, that was quick work!" were the remarks
+of the outsiders, when the fact of the sale and purchase
+became known. The landlord felt quite humbled, he was
+out of house and home, but he had a friend, surely.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Hart, things work queer in this world, sometimes."</p>
+
+<p>"Think so?" quietly responded the new landlord.</p>
+
+<p>"I do, indeed; yesterday I was up, and to-day I am down."</p>
+
+<p>"Very true, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"Yesterday you were down, to-day you are up."</p>
+
+<p>"Very true; time works wonders, Mr. Smith."</p>
+
+<p>"It does indeed, sir. Now, Mr. Hart, I am out of employment&mdash;got
+my family to support; I always trusted I
+treated you like a man, didn't I?"</p>
+
+<p>"A&mdash;ye-e-s, you did, I believe."</p>
+
+<p>"Now, I want you to employ me; I have a number of
+friends who of course will patronize our house while I am
+in it, and you can afford me a fair sort of a living to help you."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mr. Smith," said Mr. Hart, "I suppose I shall
+have to hire somebody, and as I don't believe in taking a
+raw hand from the country, I will take one who understands
+all about it. I'll engage you; so go to work."</p>
+
+<p>"Thank you, Mr. Hart." And so the master became the
+man, and the man the master.</p>
+
+<p>"Poor Smith, he's down!" cries one old habitue of the
+'General Washington' bar-room. "I carkelated he'd gin
+out afore long, if he let other people 'tend to his business
+instead of himself."</p>
+
+<p>"I didn't like that fellow Absalom, no how," says another
+old head; "he's 'bout skin'd Smith."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Smith kin be savin', he's larnt something," says
+a third, "and oughter try to get on to his pegs again."</p>
+
+<p>But when Absalom gave his "free blow," these fellows
+all "went in," partook of the landlord's hospitality, and
+hoped&mdash;of course they did&mdash;that he might live several thousand
+years, and make a fortune!</p>
+
+<p>Time slid on&mdash;Smith was attentive, no bar-keeper more
+assiduous and devoted to the toddy affairs of the house,
+than Jerry Smith, the pseudo-bar-keeper of Absalom Hart.
+Absalom being landlord of a popular drinking establishment,
+was surrounded by politicians, horse jockies, and
+various otherwise complexioned, fancy living personages.
+Ergo, Absalom began to lay off and enjoy himself; he had
+his horses, dogs, and other pastimes; got married, and cut it
+very "fat." One day he got involved for a friend, got into
+unnecessary expenses, was sued for complicated debts, and
+so entangled with adverse circumstances, that at the end of
+his third year as landlord, the sheriff came in, and the
+"General Washington" again came under the hammer.</p>
+
+<p>Now, who will become purchaser? Every body wondered
+who would become the next customer.</p>
+
+<p>"I will, by George!" says Smith. And Smith did; he
+had worked long and <i>faith</i>fully, and he had saved something.
+Smith bought out the whole concern, and once
+more he was landlord of the "General Washington."</p>
+
+<p>Absalom was cut down, like a hollyhock in November&mdash;he
+was dead broke, and felt, in his present situation, flat,
+stale, and unprofitable enough.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Smith," said Absalom, the day after the collapse,
+"I am once more on my oars."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, Ab, so it seems; it's a queer world, sometimes we
+are up, and sometimes we are down. Time, Ab, works
+wonders, as you once very forcibly remarked."</p>
+
+<p>"It does, indeed, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"We have only to keep up our spirits, Ab, go ahead; the
+world is large, if it is full of changes."</p>
+
+<p>"True, sir, very true. I was about to remark, Mr. Smith&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Ab."</p>
+
+<p>"That we have known one another&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Pretty well, I think!"</p>
+
+<p>"A long time, sir&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, Ab."</p>
+
+<p>"And when I was up and you down&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, go on."</p>
+
+<p>"I gave you a chance to keep your head above water."</p>
+
+<p>"True enough, Ab, my boy."</p>
+
+<p>"Now, sir, I want you to give me charge of the bar
+again, and I'll off coat and go to work like a Trojan."</p>
+
+<p>"Ab Hart," said Smith, "when you came to me, you
+was so green you could hardly tell a crossed quarter from
+a bogus pistareen&mdash;the 'run of the till' you learnt in a
+week, while in less than a month you was the best hand at
+'knocking down' I ever met! There's fifty dollars, you
+and I are square; we will keep so&mdash;go!"</p>
+
+<p>Poor Absalom was beat at his own game, and soon left
+for parts unknown.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="People_Do_Differ" id="People_Do_Differ"></a>People Do Differ!</h2>
+
+
+<p>Fifty years ago, Uncle Sam was almost a stranger on
+the maps; he hadn't a friend in the world, apparently,
+while he had more enemies than he could shake a stick at.
+Every body snubbed him, and every body wanted to lick him.
+But Sam has now grown to be a crowder; his spunk, too,
+goes up with his resources, and he don't wait for any body
+to "knock the chip off his hat," but goes right smack up
+to a crowd of fighting bullies, and rolling up his sleeves, he
+coolly "wants to know" if any body had any thing to say
+about him, in that crowd! Uncle Sam is no longer "a
+baby," his <i>physique</i> has grown to be quite enormous, and
+we rather expect the old fellow will have to have a pitched
+battle with some body soon, <i>or he'll spile!</i></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Whiffletrees_Dental_Experience" id="Whiffletrees_Dental_Experience"></a>Bill Whiffletree's Dental Experience.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Have you ever had the tooth-ache? If not, then
+blessed is your ignorance, for it is indeed bliss to
+know nothing about the tooth-ache, as you know nothing,
+absolutely nothing about pain&mdash;the acute, double-distilled,
+rectified agony that lurks about the roots or fangs of a treacherous
+tooth. But ask a sufferer how it feels, what it is like,
+how it operates, and you may learn something theoretically
+which you may pray heaven that you may not know practically.</p>
+
+<p>But there's poor William Whiffletree&mdash;he's been through
+the mill, fought, bled, and died (slightly) with the refined,
+essential oil of the agony caused by a raging tooth. Every
+time we read <i>Othello</i>, we are half inclined to think that
+<i>more</i> than half of Iago's devilishness came from that "raging
+tooth," which would not let him sleep, but tortured and
+tormented "mine ancient" so that he became embittered
+against all the world, and blackamoors in particular.</p>
+
+<p>William Whiffletree's case is a very strong illustration
+of what tooth-ache is, and what it causes people to do;
+and affords a pretty fair idea of the manner in which the
+tooth and sufferer are medicinally and morally treated by
+the <i>materia medica</i>, and friends at large.</p>
+
+<p>William Whiffletree&mdash;or "Bill," as most people called
+him&mdash;was a sturdy young fellow of two-and-twenty, of
+"poor but respectable parents," and 'tended the dry-goods
+store of one Ethan Rakestraw, in the village of Rockbottom,
+State of New York.</p>
+
+<p>One unfortunate day, for poor Bill, there came to Rockbottom
+a galvanized-looking individual, rejoicing in the
+euphonium of Dr. Hannibal Orestes Wangbanger. As a
+surgeon, he had&mdash;according to the album-full of <i>certificates</i>&mdash;operated
+in all the scientific branches of amputation,
+from the scalp-lock to the heel-tap, upon Emperors, Kings,
+Queens, and common folks; but upon his science in the
+dental way, he spread and grew luminous! In short, Dr.
+Wangbanger had not been long in Rockbottom before his
+"gift of gab," and unadulterated propensity to elongate
+the blanket, set every body, including poor Bill Whiffletree,
+in a furor to have their teeth cut, filed, scraped, rasped, reset,
+dug out, and burnished up!</p>
+
+<p>Now Bill, being, as we aforestated, a muscularly-developed
+youth, got up in the most sturdy New Hampshire
+style, <i>his</i> teeth <i>were</i> teeth, in every way calculated to perform
+long and strong; but Bill was fast imbibing counter-jumper
+notions, dabbling in stiff dickeys, greased soap-locks,
+and other fancy "flab-dabs," supposed to be essential
+in cutting a swarth among ye fair sex.</p>
+
+<p>So that when Dr. Wangbanger once had an audience
+with Mr. William Whiffletree in regard to one of Mr.
+Whiffletree's molars which Bill thought had a "speck" on
+it, he soon convinced the victim that the said molar not only
+was specked, but out of the dead plumb of its nearest
+neighbor at least the 84th part of an inch!</p>
+
+<p>"O, shocking!" says the remorseless <i>hum</i>; "it is well
+I saw it in time, Mr. Whiffletree. Why, in the course of a
+few weeks, that tooth, sir, would have exfoliated, calcareous
+supperation would have ensued, the gum would have ossified,
+while the nerve of the tooth becoming apostrophized,
+the roots would have concatenated in their hiatuses, and the
+jaw-bone, no longer acting upon their fossil exoduses,
+would necessarily have led to the entire suspension of the
+capillary organs of your stomach and brain, and&mdash;<i>death
+would supervene in two hours!</i>"</p>
+
+<p><a name='Pg_092' id='Pg_092'></a>Poor Bill! he scarcely knew what fainting was, but a
+queer sensation settled in his "ossis frontis," while his ossis
+legso almost bent double under him, at the awful prospect
+of things before him! He took a long breath, however,
+and in a voice tremulous with emotion, inquired&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Good Lord, Doctor! what's to be done for a feller?"</p>
+
+<p>"Plug and file," calmly said the Doctor.</p>
+
+<p>"Plug and file what?"</p>
+
+<p>"The second molar," said the Doctor; though the
+treacherous monster <i>meant</i> Bill's wallet, of course!</p>
+
+<p>"What'll it cost, Doctor?" says Bill.</p>
+
+<p>"Done in my very best manner, upon the new and
+splendid system invented by myself, sir, and practiced upon
+all the crowned heads of Europe, London, and Washington
+City, it will cost you three dollars."</p>
+
+<p>"Does it hurt much, Doctor?" was Bill's cautious inquiry.</p>
+
+<p>"Very little, indeed; it's sometimes rather agreeable,
+sir, than otherwise," said the Doctor.</p>
+
+<p>"Then go at it, Doctor! Here's the <i>dosh</i>," and forking
+over three dollars, down sits William Whiffletree in a high-backed
+chair, and the Doctor's assistant&mdash;a sturdy young
+Irishman&mdash;clamping Bill's head to the back of the chair,
+to keep it steady, as the Doctor remarked, the latter began
+to "bore and file."</p>
+
+<p>"O! ah! ho-ho-hold on, <i>hold on!</i>" cries Bill, at the first
+<i>gouge</i> the Doctor gave the huge tooth.</p>
+
+<p>"O! be me soul! be aizy, zur," says the Irishman, "it's
+mesilf as untherstands it&mdash;<i>I'll howld on till yees!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"O&mdash;O-h-h-h!" roars Bill, as the Doctor proceeds.</p>
+
+<p>"Be quiet, sir; the pain won't signify!" says the Doctor.</p>
+
+<p>"Go-goo-good Lord-d-d! Ho-ho-hol-hold on!"</p>
+
+<p>"O, yeez needn't be afeared of that&mdash;I'm howldin' yeez
+tight as a divil!" cries Paddy, and sure enough he <i>was</i>
+holding, for in vain Bill screwed and twisted and squirmed
+around; Pat held him like a cider-press.</p>
+
+<div class='image' id='illo001'>
+<img src='images/illo001.png'
+	alt="I'm howldin' yeez tight as a divil!"
+	title="I'm howldin' yeez tight as a divil!"
+/>
+
+<p class='caption'>"Go&mdash;goo&mdash;good Lord-d d! Ho&mdash;ho&mdash;hol&mdash;hold on!"
+"O, yeez needn't be afear'd of that&mdash;I'm howldin' yeez tight as
+a divil!"&mdash;<a href="#Pg_092"><i>Page</i> 92.</a></p>
+
+</div>
+
+<p>"Let me&mdash;me&mdash;O&mdash;O&mdash;O! Everlasting creation! let
+me go-o-o&mdash;stop, <i>hold on-n-n!</i>" as the Doctor bored,
+screwed, and plugged away at the tooth.</p>
+
+<p>"All done, sir; let the patient up, Michael," says the
+Doctor, with a confident twirl of his perfumed handkerchief.
+"There, sir&mdash;there was science, art, elegance, and
+dispatch! Now, sir, your tooth is safe&mdash;your life is safe&mdash;<i>you're
+a sound man!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"Sound?" echoes poor Bill, "sound? Why, you've
+broken my jaw into flinders; you've set all my teeth on
+edge; and I've no more feelin'&mdash;gall darn ye!&mdash;in my
+jaws, than if they were iron steel-traps! You've got the
+wuth of your money out of my mouth, and I'm off!"</p>
+
+<p>That night was one of anxiety and misery to William
+Whiffletree. The disturbed <i>molar</i> growled and twitched
+like mad; and, by daylight, poor Bill's cheek was swollen
+up equal to a printer's buff-ball, his mouth puckered, and
+his right eye half "bunged up."</p>
+
+<p>"Why, William," says Ethan Rakestraw, as Bill went
+into the store, "what in grace ails thy face? Thee looks
+like an owl in an ivy-bush!"</p>
+
+<p>"Been plugged and filed," says Bill, looking cross as a
+meat-axe at his snickering Orthodox boss.</p>
+
+<p>"Plugged and <i>fined</i>? Thee hain't been fighting, William?"</p>
+
+<p>"Fined? No, I ain't been <i>fined</i> or fighting, Mr. Rakestraw,
+but I bet I do fight that feller who gave me the
+tooth-ache!&mdash;O! O!" moaned poor Bill, as he clamped
+his swollen jaw with his hand, and went around waving his
+head like a plaster-of-paris mandarin.</p>
+
+<p>"O! thee's been to the dentist, eh? Got the tooth-ache?
+Go thee to my wife; she'll cure thee in one minute,
+William; a little laudanum and cotton will soon ease thy pain."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Rakestraw applied the laudanum to Bill's molar,
+but as it did no kind of good, old grandmother proposed a
+poultice; and soon poor Bill's head and cheek were done up
+in mush, while he groaned and grunted and started for the
+store, every body gaping at his swollen countenance as
+though he was a rare curiosity.</p>
+
+<p>"Halloo, Bill!" says old Firelock, the gunsmith, as Bill
+was going by his shop; "got a bag in your calabash, or
+got the tooth-ache?"</p>
+
+<p>Bill looked daggers at old Firelock, and by a nod of his
+head intimated the cause of his distress.</p>
+
+<p>"O, that all? Come in; I'll stop it in a minute and a
+half; sit down, I'll fix it&mdash;I've cured hundreds," says Firelock.</p>
+
+<p>"What are you&mdash;O-h-h, dear! what are you going to
+do?" says Bill, eyeing the wire, and lamp in which Firelock
+was heating the wire.</p>
+
+<p>"Burn out the marrow of the tooth&mdash;'twill never trouble
+you again&mdash;I've cured hundreds that way! Don't be afeared&mdash;you
+won't feel it but a moment. Sit still, keep cool!"
+says Firelock.</p>
+
+<p>"Cool?" with a hot wire in his tooth! But Bill, being
+already intensely crucified, and assured of Firelock's skill,
+took his head out of the mush-plaster, opened his jaws, and
+Firelock, admonishing him to "keep cool," crowded the
+hot, sizzling wire on to the tin foil jammed into the hollow
+by Wangbanger, and gave it a twist clear through the
+melted tin to the exposed nerve. Bill jumped, bit off the
+wire, burnt his tongue, and knocked Firelock nearly
+through the partition of his shop; and so frightened Monsieur
+Savon, the little barber next door, that he rushed out
+into the street, crying&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Mon Dieu! mon Dieu! Ze zundair strike my shop!"</p>
+
+<p>Bill was stone dead&mdash;Firelock crippled. The apothecary
+over the way came in, picked up poor Bill, applied some
+camphor to his nose, and brought him back to life, and&mdash;the
+pangs of tooth-ache!</p>
+
+<p>"Kreasote!" says Squills, the 'pothecary. "I'll ease
+your pain, Mr. Whiffletree, in a second!"</p>
+
+<p>Poor Bill gave up&mdash;the kreasote added a fresh invoice to
+his misery&mdash;burnt his already lacerated and roasted tongue&mdash;and
+he yelled right out.</p>
+
+<p>"Death and glory! O-h-h-h-h, murder! You've pizened me!"</p>
+
+<p>"Put a hot brick to that young man's face," said a
+stranger; "'twill take out the pain and swelling in three minutes!"</p>
+
+<p>Bill revived; he seemed pleased at the stranger's suggestion;
+the Brick was applied; but Bill's cheek being now
+half raw with the various messes, it made him yell when
+the brick touched him!</p>
+
+<p>He cleared for home, went to bed, and the excessive pain,
+finally, with laudanum, kreasote, fire, and hot bricks, put
+him to sleep.</p>
+
+<p>He awoke at midnight, in a frightful state of misery;
+walked the floor until daylight; was tempted two or three
+times to jump out the window or crawl up the chimney!</p>
+
+<p>Until noon next day he suffered, trying in vain, every ten
+minutes, some "known cure," oils, acids, steam, poultices,
+and the ten thousand applications usually tried to
+cure a raging tooth.</p>
+
+<p>Desperation made Bill revengeful. He got a club and
+went after Dr. Wangbanger, who had set all the village in
+a rage of tooth-ache. Ten or a dozen of his victims were
+at his door, awaiting ferociously their turns to be revenged.</p>
+
+<p>But the bird had flown; the <i>teuth-doctor</i> had sloped; yet
+a good Samaritan came to poor Bill, and whispering in his
+ear, Bill started for Monsieur Savon's barber-shop, took a
+seat, shut his eyes, and said his prayers. The little Frenchman
+took a keen knife and pair of pincers, and Bill giving
+one awful yell, the tooth was out, and his pains and perils
+at an end!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="A-a-a-int_they_Thick" id="A-a-a-int_they_Thick"></a>A-a-a-in't they Thick?</h2>
+
+
+<p>During the "great excitement" in Boston, relative
+to the fugitive slave "fizzle," a good-natured country
+gentleman, by the name of Abner Phipps; an humble
+artisan in the fashioning of buckets, wash-tubs and wooden-ware
+generally, from one of the remote towns of the good
+old Bay State, paid his annual visit to the metropolis of
+Yankee land. In the multifarious operations of his shop
+and business, Abner had but little time, and as little inclination,
+to keep the run of <i>latest news</i>, as set forth glaringly,
+every day, under the caption of <i>Telegraphic Dispatches</i>, in
+the papers; hence, it requires but a slight extension of
+the imagination to apprise you, "dear reader," that our
+friend Phipps was but meagerly "posted up" in what was
+going on in this great country, half of his time. I must
+do friend Phipps the favor to say, that he was not ignorant
+of the fact that "Old Hickory" fout well down to New
+Orleans, and that "Old Zack" flaxed the Mexicans clean
+out of their boots in Mexico; likewise that Millerism was a
+humbug, and money was pretty generally considered a cash
+article all over the universal world.</p>
+
+<p>But what did Phipps know or care about the Fugitive
+Slave bill? Not a red cent's worth, no more than he did
+of the equitation of the earth, the Wilmot proviso, or
+Barnum's woolly horse&mdash;not a <i>red</i>. He came to Boston annually
+to see how things were a workin'; pleasure, not business.
+The very first morning of his arrival in town, the
+hue and cry of "slave hunters," was raised&mdash;Shadrack, the
+fugitive, was arrested at his vocation&mdash;table servant at
+Taft's eating establishment, Corn Hill, where Abner Phipps
+accidentally had stuck his boots under the mahogany, for
+the purpose of recuperating his somewhat exhausted inner-man.
+Abner saw the arrest, he was quietly discussing his
+<i>tapioca</i>, and if thinking at all, was merely calculating what
+the profits were, upon a two-and-sixpence dinner, at a Boston
+<i>restaurateur</i>. He saw there was a muss between the
+black waiter and two red-nosed white men, but as he did
+not know what it was all about, he didn't care; it was none
+of his business; and being a part of his religion, not to
+meddle with that that did not concern him, he continued
+his <i>tapioca</i> to the bottom of his plate, then forked over the
+equivalent and stepped out.</p>
+
+<p>As Phipps turned into Court square, it occurred, slightly,
+that the niggers had got to be rather thick in Boston, to
+what they used to be; and bending his footsteps down
+Brattle street, once or twice it occurred to him that the
+niggers <i>had</i> got to be thick&mdash;darn'd thick, for they passed
+and repassed him&mdash;walked before him and behind him, and
+in fact all around him.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," says Phipps, "the niggers are thick, thundering
+thick&mdash;never saw 'em so thick in my life. <i>Ain't they thick?</i>"
+he soliloquized, and as he continued his stroll in the purlieus
+of "slightly soiled" garments, vulgarly known as
+second-hand shops, mostly proprietorized by very dignified
+and respectable <i>col'ud pussons</i>, it again struck Phipps
+quite forcibly that the niggers were <i>a</i> getting thick.</p>
+
+<p>"Godfree! but ain't they thick! I hope to be stabbed
+with a gridiron," said Phipps, "if there ain't more <i>niggers</i>&mdash;look
+at 'em&mdash;more niggers than would patch and
+grade the infernal regions eleven miles! Guess I've enough
+niggers for a spell," continued Phipps, "so I'll just pop
+in here, and see how this feller sells his notions." And so
+Abner, having reached Dock square, saunters into a gun,
+pistol, bowie, jack-knife, dog-collar, shot-bag, and notion-shop
+in general. Unlucky step.</p>
+
+<p>The stiff-dickied, frizzle-headed, polished and perfumed
+shop-keeper was on hand, and particularly predisposed to sell
+the stranger something. Just then a nigger passed the door,
+and looked in very sharply at Phipps, and presently two
+more passed, then a fourth and fifth, all <i>looking</i> more or
+less pointedly at the manufacturer of wooden doin's, and
+white-pine fixin's.</p>
+
+<p>"That's a neat <i>collar</i>," says the shop-keeper, as Phipps,
+sort of miscellaneously, placed his hand upon a brass-band,
+red-lined dog-collar.</p>
+
+<p>"Collar! don't call that a <i>collar</i>, do you?"</p>
+
+<p>"I do, sir, a beautiful collar, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"What for, <i>solgers</i>?" asks Phipps.</p>
+
+<p>"Soldiers, no, dogs," says the shop-keeper, puckering
+his mouth as though he had <i>sampled</i> a lemon.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>O!</i>" says Phipps, suddenly realizing the fact. "I ain't
+got no dogs; bad stock; don't pay; tax 'em up where I
+live; wouldn't pay tax for forty dogs." More niggers
+passed, repassed, and looked in at Phipps and the storekeeper.</p>
+
+<p>"I say, ain't the niggers got to be thick&mdash;infernal thick,
+in your town lately?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I <ins title="dont">don't</ins> know that they are," replied the shop-keeper;
+"getting rather scarce, I think, since the Fugitive
+bill has been put in force over the country, sir, but it does
+appear to me," said the shop-keeper, twiging sundry and suspicious-looking
+col'ud gem'en passing by his store, gaping in
+rather wistfully at the door, and peeping through the sash
+of the windows&mdash;"it does appear to me, that a good many
+colored persons are about this morning; yes, there is, why
+there goes more, more yet; bless me, there's another, two,
+three, four, why a dozen has just passed; they seem to look
+in here rather curiously, I wonder&mdash;only look; what has
+stirred them up, I want to know!" the fluctuation of the
+<i>Congo</i> market completely attracted the handsome man's
+<a name='Pg_099' id='Pg_099'></a>
+attention; his surprise finally assumed the most tangible
+shape and complexion of fear, for the niggers, one and all,
+looked savage as meat-axes, and began to get too numerous to mention.</p>
+
+<div class='image' id='illo003'>
+
+<img src='images/illo003.png'
+	alt="What dat! got pistils in your pocket, eh?"
+	title="What dat! got pistils in your pocket, eh?"
+/>
+
+<p class='caption'>"What dat! got pistils in your pocket, eh?" says one of
+two big buck Niggers, shying up alongside of the new velocipeding
+up-country artisan. "What dat! got de hand-cuffs in he pocket!"&mdash;<a href="#Pg_099"><i>Page</i> 99.</a></p>
+</div>
+
+<p>"Well, guess I'll be goin'," says Phipps, after fumbling
+over some of the shooting-irons, jack-knives, etc.; reaching
+the street, he was more fully impressed with the fixed fact,
+that the niggers were all sorts of thick. They fairly
+crowded him; one buck darkey rubbed slap up against
+Phipps, as he moved out of the store. "Look here, Mister,"
+says Phipps, "ain't all this street big enough for you without
+a crowdin' me?"</p>
+
+<p>The nigger stopped, looked arsenic and chain lightning
+at Phipps, and then moved off, saying in a sort of undertone&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Gorra, I guess you'll be crowded a wus'n dat afore dis
+day is ober."</p>
+
+<p>"Will, eh?" responded Abner Phipps, slightly mystified
+as to the why and wherefore, that <i>he</i> should, in particular,
+be "crowded," especially by an Ethiopic gentleman.</p>
+
+<p>"I guess I <i>won't</i> then," resumed Phipps; "if any body
+ventures to crowd me, just a purpose, I guess I'll be darn'd
+apt, and mighty quick to squash in their heads, or whoop'm
+on the spot."</p>
+
+<p>"What dat? got pistils in your pocket, eh?" says one
+of the two big buck niggers, shying up alongside of the
+now <ins title="veloscipeding">velocipeding</ins> up-country artisan. Phipps looked back,
+the negroes were following him. "Pistils? <ins title="who'se">who's</ins> talkin'
+about pistils, mister?" he ventured to ask.</p>
+
+<p>"Dat's him, watch'm."</p>
+
+<p>"Why, we see'd you goin' in dar, dat pistol shop; want
+to lay in a stock of dirks and pistils, eh?" says the negro.</p>
+
+<p>"You&mdash;you got any hand-cuffs in you' pocket?" inquired another.</p>
+
+<p>"What dat? got de hand-cuffs in he pocket?"</p>
+
+<p>"Pistils and bowie knibes!" says a third.</p>
+
+<p>"Dat's him! watch'm!"</p>
+
+<p>"Knock'm down, put dat white hat ober his eyes! Hoo-r-r!"</p>
+
+<p>The negroes now fairly beset our victimized friend
+Phipps; he stopped, buttoned his coat, the negroes augmented;
+glared at him like demons; he fixed his hat firmly
+upon his head; the negroes began to grin and move upon
+him; he spat upon his hands; the negroes began to yell,
+and to close in upon him; with one grand effort, one mighty
+gathering of all the human faculties called into action by
+fear and desperation, Phipps bounded like a Louisiana bull
+at a gate post; he knocked down two, <i>square</i>; kicked over
+four, and rushing through the now very considerable and
+formidable array of ebony, he <i>broke</i> equal to a wild turkey
+through a corn bottom, or a sharp knife through a pound
+of milky butter; and it is very questionable whether Phipps
+ever stopped running until his boots <i>busted</i>, or he reached
+his bucket factory on Taunton river. His negro deputation
+<i>waited on him</i> with a rush clear outside of town, where the
+speed and bottom of Abner distanced the entire committee.
+The key to this joke is: Phipps was dogged from Tafts'&mdash;by
+the "vigilant committee," as an informer, or slave-hunter
+at least, and hence the delicate attentions of the col'ud
+pop'lation paid him. I have no doubt, that if Abner Phipps
+be asked, how things look around Boston, he would observe
+with some energy,</p>
+
+<p>"Niggers&mdash;niggers are thick&mdash;Godfree! <i>a-a-a-in't they thick!</i>"</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="A_Desperate_Race" id="A_Desperate_Race"></a>A Desperate Race.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Some years ago, I was one of a convivial party, that
+met in the principal hotel in the town of Columbus,
+Ohio, the seat of government of the Buckeye State.</p>
+
+<p>It was a winter evening when all without was bleak and
+stormy, and all within were blythe and gay; when song and
+story made the circuit of the festive board, filling up the
+chasms of life with mirth and laughter.</p>
+
+<p>We had met for the express purpose of making a night
+of it, and the pious intention was duly and most religiously
+carried out. The Legislature was in session in
+that town, and not a few of the worthy legislators were
+present upon this occasion.</p>
+
+<p>One of these worthies I will name, as he not only took a
+big swath in the evening's entertainment, but he was a man
+<i>more</i> generally known than our worthy President, James
+K. Polk. That man was the famous Captain Riley! whose
+"narrative" of suffering and adventures is pretty generally
+known, all over the civilized world. Captain Riley was a
+fine, fat, good-humored joker, who at the period of my
+story was the representative of the Dayton district, and
+lived near that little city when at home. Well, Captain
+Riley had amused the company with many of his far-famed
+and singular adventures, which being mostly told before
+and read by millions of people, that have ever seen his
+book, I will not attempt to repeat them.</p>
+
+<p>Many were the stories and adventures told by the company,
+when it came to the turn of a well known gentleman
+who represented the Cincinnati district. As Mr. &mdash;&mdash; is yet
+among the living, and perhaps not disposed to be the subject
+of joke or story, I do not feel at liberty to give his name.
+Mr. &mdash;&mdash; was a slow believer of other men's adventures, and
+at the same time much disposed to magnify himself
+into a marvellous hero whenever the opportunity offered.
+As Captain Riley wound up one of his truthful, though
+really marvellous adventures, Mr. &mdash;&mdash; coolly remarked,
+that the captain's story was all very <i>well</i>, but it did not
+begin to compare with an adventure that he had "once
+upon a time" on the Ohio, below the present city of Cincinnati.</p>
+
+<p>"Let's have it!" "Let's have it!" resounded from all hands.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, gentlemen," said the Senator, clearing his voice
+for action and knocking the ashes from his cigar against
+the arm of his chair. "Gentlemen, I am not in the habit of
+spinning yarns of marvellous or fictitious matters; and therefore
+it is scarcely necessary to affirm upon the responsibility
+of my reputation, gentlemen, that what I am about to
+tell you, I most solemnly proclaim to be truth, and&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! never mind that, go on, Mr. &mdash;&mdash;," chimed the party.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, gentlemen, in 18&mdash; I came down the Ohio river,
+and settled at Losanti, now called Cincinnati. It was, at
+that time, but a little settlement of some twenty or thirty
+log and frame cabins, and where now stands the Broadway
+Hotel and blocks of stores and dwelling houses, was the
+cottage and corn patch of old Mr. &mdash;&mdash;, a tailor, who, by
+the by, bought that land for the making of a coat for one
+of the settlers. Well, I put up my cabin, with the aid of
+my neighbors, and put in a patch of corn and potatoes,
+about where the Fly Market now stands, and set about
+improving my lot, house, &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p>"Occasionally, I took up my rifle, and started off with my
+dog down the river, to look up a little deer, or <i>bar</i> meat,
+then very plenty along the river. The blasted red skins
+were lurking about, and hovering around the settlement,
+and every once in a while picked off some of our neighbors,
+or stole our cattle or horses. I hated the red
+demons, and made no bones of peppering the blasted
+sarpents whenever I got a sight at them. In fact, the red
+rascals had a dread of me, and had laid a great many traps
+to get my scalp, but I wasn't to be catch'd napping. No,
+no, gentlemen, I was too well up to 'em for that.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I started off one morning, pretty early, to take
+a hunt, and travelled a long way down the river, over the
+bottoms and hills, but couldn't find no <i>bar</i> nor deer. About
+four o'clock in the afternoon, I made tracks for the settlement
+again. By and by, I sees a buck just ahead of me,
+walking leisurely down the river. I slipped up, with my
+faithful old dog close in my rear, to within clever shooting
+distance, and just as the buck stuck his nose in the drink,
+I drew a <i>bead</i> upon his top-knot and over he tumbled, and
+splurged and bounded awhile, when I came up and relieved
+him by cutting his wizen&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, but what had that to do with an <i>adventure</i>?" said Riley.</p>
+
+<p>"Hold on a bit, if you please, gentlemen&mdash;by Jove it
+had a great deal to do with it. For while I was busy skinning
+the hind quarters of the buck, and stowing away the
+kidney-fat in my hunting shirt, I heard a noise like the breaking
+of brush under a moccasin up 'the bottom.' My dog
+heard it and started up to reconnoitre, and I lost no time
+in reloading my rifle. I had hardly got my priming out
+before my dog raised a howl and broke through the brush
+towards me with his tail down, as he was not used to doing
+unless there were wolves, painters (panthers) or Injins about.</p>
+
+<p>"I picked up my knife, and took up my line of march in
+a skulking trot up the river. The frequent gullies, on the
+lower bank, made it tedious travelling there, so I scrabbled
+up to the upper bank, which was pretty well covered with
+buckeye and sycamore and very little under-brush. One
+peep below discovered to me three as big and strapping red
+rascals, gentlemen, as you ever clapt your eyes on! Yes,
+there they came, not above six hundred yards in my rear.
+Shouting and yelling like hounds, and coming after me like
+all possessed."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said an old woodsman sitting at the table,
+"you took a tree of course?"</p>
+
+<p>"Did I? No, gentlemen! I took no tree just then,
+but I took to my heels like sixty, and it was just as much
+as my old dog could do to keep up with me. I run until
+the whoops of my red skins grew fainter and fainter behind
+me; and clean out of wind, I ventured to look behind me,
+and there came one single red whelp, puffing and blowing,
+not three hundred yards in my rear. He had got on to a
+piece of bottom where the trees were small and scarce&mdash;now,
+thinks I, old fellow, I'll have you. So I trotted off
+at a pace sufficient to let my follower gain on me, and
+when he had got just about near enough, I wheeled and
+fired, and down I brought him, dead as a door nail, at a
+hundred and twenty yards!"</p>
+
+<p>"Then you skelp'd (scalped) him immediately?" said the backwoodsman.</p>
+
+<p>"Very clear of it, gentlemen, for by the time I got my
+rifle loaded, here came the other two red skins, shouting
+and whooping close on me, and away I broke again like a
+quarter horse. I was now about five miles from the settlement,
+and it was getting towards sunset; I ran till my wind
+began to be pretty short, when I took a look back and
+there they came snorting like mad buffaloes, one about
+two or three hundred yards ahead of the other, so I
+acted possum again until the foremost Injin got pretty
+well up, and I wheeled and fired at the very moment he was
+'drawing a <i>bead</i>' on me; he fell head over stomach into
+the dirt, and up came the last one!"</p>
+
+<p>"So you laid for him and&mdash;" gasped several.</p>
+
+<p>"No," continued the "member," "I didn't lay for him,
+I hadn't time to load, so I layed <i>legs</i> to ground, and
+started again. I heard every bound he made after me. I
+ran and ran, until the fire flew out of my eyes, and the old
+dog's tongue hung out of his mouth a quarter of a yard long!"</p>
+
+<p>"Phe-e-e-e-w!" whistled somebody.</p>
+
+<p>"Fact! gentlemen. Well, what I was to do I didn't
+know&mdash;rifle empty, no big trees about, and a murdering red
+Indian not three hundred yards in my rear; and, what was
+worse, just then it occurred to me that I was not a great
+ways from a big creek, (now called Mill Creek,) and there
+I should be pinned at last.</p>
+
+<p>"Just at this juncture I struck my toe against a root,
+and down I tumbled, and my old dog over me. Before I
+could scrabble up&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"The Indian fired!" gasped the old woodsman.</p>
+
+<p>"He did, gentlemen, and I felt the ball strike me under
+the shoulder; but that didn't seem to put any embargo upon
+my locomotion, for as soon as I got up I took off again,
+quite freshened by my fall! I heard the red skin close behind
+me coming booming on, and every minute I expected
+to have his tomahawk dashed into my head or shoulders.</p>
+
+<p>"Something kind of cool began to trickle down my legs
+into my boots&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Blood, eh? for the shot the varmint gin you," said the
+old woodsman, in a great state of excitement.</p>
+
+<p>"I thought so," said the Senator, "but what do you
+think it was?"</p>
+
+<p>Not being blood, we were all puzzled to know what the
+blazes it could be. When Riley observed&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"I suppose you had&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Melted the deer fat which I had stuck in the breast of
+my hunting shirt, and the grease was running down my legs
+until my feet got so greasy that my heavy boots flew off,
+and one hitting the dog, nearly knocked his brains out."</p>
+
+<p>We all grinned, which the "member" noticing, observed&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"I hope, gentlemen, no man here will presume to think
+I'm exaggerating?"</p>
+
+<p>"O, certainly not! Go on, Mr. &mdash;&mdash;," we all chimed in.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, the ground under my feet was soft, and being
+relieved of my heavy boots, I put off with double quick
+time, and seeing the creek about half a mile off, I ventured
+to look over my shoulder to see what kind of a chance
+there was to hold up and load. The red skin was coming
+jogging along pretty well blowed out, about five hundred
+yards in the rear. Thinks I, here goes to load any how.
+So at it I went&mdash;in went the powder, and putting on my
+patch, down went the ball about half-way, and off snapped
+my ramrod!"</p>
+
+<p>"Thunder and lightning!" shouted the old woodsman,
+who was worked up to the top-notch in the "member's" story.</p>
+
+<p>"Good gracious! wasn't I in a pickle! There was the
+red whelp within two hundred yards of me, pacing along
+and <i>loading up his rifle as he came!</i> I jerked out the
+broken ramrod, dashed it away and started on, priming up
+as I cantered off, determined to turn and give the red skin
+a blast any how, as soon as I reached the creek.</p>
+
+<p>"I was now within a hundred yards of the creek, could
+see the smoke from the settlement chimneys; a few more
+jumps and I was by the creek. The Indian was close upon
+me&mdash;he gave a whoop, and I raised my rifle; on he came,
+knowing that I had broken my ramrod and my load not
+down; another whoop! whoop! and he was within fifty
+yards of me! I pulled trigger, and&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"And killed <i>him</i>?" chuckled Riley.</p>
+
+<p>"No, <i>sir!</i> I missed fire!"</p>
+
+<p>"And the red skin&mdash;" shouted the old woodsman in a
+phrenzy of excitement&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Fired and killed me!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>The screams and shouts that followed this finale brought
+landlord Noble, servants and hostlers, running up stairs to
+see if the house was on fire!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Dodging_the_Responsibility" id="Dodging_the_Responsibility"></a>Dodging the Responsibility.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Sir!" said Fieryfaces, the lawyer, to an <i>unwilling witness</i>,
+"Sir! do you say, upon your oath, that Blinkins is
+a dishonest <i>man</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>"I didn't say he was ever accused of being an honest
+man, did I?" replied Pipkins.</p>
+
+<p>"Does the court understand you to say, Mr. Pipkins,
+that the plaintiff's reputation is bad?" inquired the judge,
+merely putting the question to keep his eyes open.</p>
+
+<p>"I didn't say it was good, I reckon."</p>
+
+<p>"Sir!" said Fieryfaces, "Sir-r! upon your oath&mdash;mind,
+upon your oath, upon your oath, you say that Blinkins is
+a rogue, a villain and a thief!"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>You</i> say so," was Pip's reply.</p>
+
+<p>"Haven't <i>you</i> said so?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, you've said it," said Pipkins, "what's the use
+of my repeating it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Sir-r!" thundered Fieryfaces, the Demosthenean thunderer
+of Thumbtown, "Sir-r! I charge you, upon your
+sworn oath, do you or do you not say&mdash;Blinkins stole things?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, <i>sir</i>," was the cautious reply of Pipkins. "I never
+said Blinkins stole things, but I <i>do</i> say&mdash;<i>he's got a way of
+finding things that nobody lost!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"Sir-r," said Fieryfaces, "you can retire," and the court adjourned.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="in_Prairie_Land" id="in_Prairie_Land"></a>A Night Adventure in Prairie Land.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"I'll take a circuit around, and come out about the lower
+end of your
+<i>mot</i>,"<a name="FNanchor_A_1" id="FNanchor_A_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_A_1" class="fnanchor">[A]</a>
+said I to my companion. "You remain
+here; lie down flat, and I'll warrant the old doe and
+her fawns will be found retracing their steps."</p>
+
+<div class="footnote">
+<p><a name="Footnote_A_1" id="Footnote_A_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_A_1"><span class="label">[A]</span></a>
+<i>Mot</i> is the name given small clumps of trees or woods,
+found scattered over the prairie land of Texas.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>We had started from camp about sunrise, to hunt, three
+of us; one, an old hunter, who, after marking out our
+course, giving us the lay of the land, and various admonitions
+as to the danger of getting too far from camp, looking
+out for "Injin signs," &amp;c., "Old Traps," as we called him,
+took a tour southward, and left us. Myself and companion
+were each armed with rifles; his a blunt "Yeager," by the
+way, and mine an Ohio piece, carrying about one hundred
+and twenty balls to the pound, consequently very light, and
+not a very sure thing for a distance over one hundred yards.
+It was in the fall of the year, delightful weather: our wardrobe
+consisted of Kentucky jean trousers, boots, straw hats,
+two shirts, and jean hunting shirts&mdash;all thin, to be sure, but
+warm and comfortable enough for a day's hunt. We
+trudged about until noon, firing but once, and then at an
+alligator in a <i>bayou</i>, whose coat of mail laughed to scorn
+our puny bullets, and, barely flirting his horny tail in contempt,
+he slid from his perch back into the greasy and turbid
+stream. Seating ourselves upon a dead cotton-wood,
+we made a slight repast upon some cold <i>pone</i>, which, moistened
+with a drop of "Mon'galy," proved, I must needs
+confess, upon such occasions, viands as palatable as a Tremont
+dinner to a city gourmand. While thus quietly disposed,
+all of a sudden we heard a racket in our rear, which,
+though it startled us at first, soon apprised us that game
+was at hand. Dropping low, we soon saw, a few yards
+above us, the large antlers of a buck. He darted down
+the slight bluffs, followed by a doe and two well-grown fawns.</p>
+
+<p>As they gained the water, and but barely stuck their
+noses into the drink, we both let drive at them: but, in
+my rising upon my knee to fire at the buck, he got wind of
+the courtesies I was about to tender him, and absolutely
+dodged my ball. I was too close to miss him; but, as he
+"juked"&mdash;to use an old-fashioned western word&mdash;down his
+head the moment he saw fire, the bullet merely made the
+fur fly down his neck, and, with a back bound or double
+somerset, he scooted quicker than uncorked thunder.</p>
+
+<p>Our eyes met&mdash;we both grinned.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, by King," says my friend Mat, "that's shooting!"</p>
+
+<p>"Both missed?" says I.</p>
+
+<p>"Better break for camp, straight: if we should meet a
+greaser or Camanche here, they'd take our scalps, and beat
+us about the jaws with 'em!"</p>
+
+<p>It was thought to bear the complexion of a joke, and we
+both laughed quite jocosely at it.</p>
+
+<p>"Now," says I, "old Sweetener," loading up my rifle,
+"you and I can't give it up so, no how." Tripping up a
+cup of the alligator fluid, we washed down our crumbs, and
+started. We followed the deer about two miles up the
+<i>bayou</i>; the land was low prairie bottom, ugly for walking,
+and our track was slow and tedious. But, approaching a
+suspicious place carefully and cautiously, we had another
+fair view of the doe and fawns, feeding and watching on the
+side of a broad prairie. The distance between us was
+quite extensive; we could not well approach within shooting
+distance without alarming them. The only alternative
+was for my friend Mat to deposit himself among the brush
+and stuff, and let me circumvent the critters; one of us
+would surely get a whack at them. I started; a slow, tedious
+scratch and crawl of nearly a mile got me to the windward
+of the deer. As I edged down along the high grass
+and chapperel, about a branch of the <i>bayou</i>, the old doe
+began to raise her head occasionally, and scent the air:
+this, as I got still nearer, she repeated more frequently,
+until, at length, she took the hint, and made a break down
+towards my friend Mat, who, sharp upon the trigger, just
+as the three deer got within fifty yards, raised and fired.
+'Bout went the deer, making a dash for my quarters; but
+before getting any ways near me, down toppled one of the
+young 'uns. Mat had fixed its flint; but my blood was up&mdash;I
+was not to be fooled out of my shot in that way; and
+perceiving my only chance, at best, was to be a long shot,
+off hand, as the doe and her remaining fawn dashed by, at
+over eighty yards, I let her have the best I had; the bullet
+struck&mdash;the old doe jumped, by way of an extra, about five
+by thirty feet, and didn't even stop to ask permission at that.
+A sportsman undergoes no little excitement in peppering a
+few paltry pigeons, a duck or a squirrel, but when an amateur
+hunter gets his Ebenezer set on a real deer, bear, or
+flock of wild <ins title="turkies">turkeys</ins>, you may safely premise it would take
+some capital to buy him off.</p>
+
+<p>I forgot all about time and space, Mat, "Old Traps,"
+greasers and Injins&mdash;my whole capital was invested in the
+old <i>doe</i>, and I was after <i>her</i>. She was badly wounded; I
+thought she'd "gin eout" pretty soon, and I followed clear
+across the prairie. Time flew, and finally, feeling considerably
+fagged, and getting no further view of my deer, and
+being no longer able to trace the red drops she sprinkled
+along, I sat down, wiped the salt water from my parboiled
+countenance, and began to&mdash;&mdash; think I'd gone far enough
+for old venison. In fact, I'd gone a little too far, for the
+sun was setting down to his home in the Pacific, the black
+shades of night began to gather around the timber, and I
+hurried out into the prairie, to get an observation. But it
+was no go. I had entirely reversed the order of things, in
+my mind; I had lost my bearings. The evening was
+cloudy, with a first rate prospect of a wet night, and neither
+moon nor stars were to be seen.</p>
+
+<p>Taking, at a hazard, the supposed back track, across the
+broad prairie, upon which flourished a stiff, tall grass, I
+plodded along, quite chilly, and my thin garments, wet
+from perspiration, were cold as cakes of ice to my flesh.
+I began to feel mad, swore some, hoped I was on the right
+track back to Mat and his deer, but felt satisfied there was
+some doubt about that. Mat had the flint and steel for
+raising a fire, and the <i>meat</i> and what bread was left at our
+last repast. Night came right down in the midst of my
+cares and tribulations. A slight drizzling rain began to
+fall. The stillness of a prairie is a damper to the best of
+spirits&mdash;the entire suspension of all noises and sounds, not
+even the tick of an insect to break the black, dull, dark
+monotony, is a wet blanket to cheerfulness. I really think
+the stillness of a large prairie is one of the most painful
+sensations of loneliness, a man ever encountered. The
+sombre and dreary monotony of a dungeon, is scarcely a
+comparison; in fact, language fails to describe the essentially
+double-distilled monotony of these great American
+grass-patches&mdash;you can't call them deserts, for at times they
+represent interminable flower-gardens, of the most elegant
+and voluptuous description.</p>
+
+<p>Oh, how home and its comforts floated in my mind's eye;
+how I envied&mdash;not for the first time either&mdash;the unthankful
+inmates of even a second-rate boarding-house! A negro
+cabin, a shed, dog kennel, and a hoe cake, had charms, in
+my thoughts, just then, enough to exalt them into fit themes
+for the poets and painters. Having trudged along, at least
+three miles, in one direction, I struck a large <i>mot</i>, that jutted
+out into the prairie. Here I concluded it was best to
+hang up for the night. I was soaking wet&mdash;hungry and
+wolfish enough. My utter desperation induced me to work
+for an hour with some percussion caps, powder, and a piece
+of greased tow linen, to get a blaze of fire, Ingins or no
+Ingins. I began to wish I was a Camanche myself, or that
+the red devils would surround me, give me one bite and a
+drink, and I'd die happy. All of a sudden, I got sight of
+a blaze! Yes, a real fire loomed up in the distance! It
+was Mat and his deer, in luck, doing well, while I was cold
+as Caucasus, and hollow as a flute. I riz, stretched my stiff
+limbs, and struck a bee line for the light. After wading,
+stumbling, and tramping, until my weary legs would bear
+me no longer, I had the mortification to see the fire at as
+great a distance as when I first started. This about knocked
+me. I concluded to give up right in my tracks, and let
+myself be wet down into <i>papier mache</i> by the descending
+elements. Blessed was he that invented sleep, says Sancho
+Panza, but he was a better workman that invented <i>spunk</i>.
+All of a sudden I plucked up my spunk, and by a sort of
+martial command, ordered my limbs to duty, and marched
+straight for the fire in the weary distance. A steady and
+toilsome perseverance over brake and bush, mud, ravine,
+grass and water, at length brought me near the fire. And
+then, suspicion arose, if I fell upon a Mexican or Indian
+camp, the evils and perils of the night would turn up in the
+morning with a human barbecue, and these impressions
+were nearly sufficient inducement for me to go no further.
+It might be my friend Mat's fire, and it might not be: it
+wasn't very likely he would dare to raise a fire, and the
+more I debated, the worse complexion things bore. Involuntarily,
+however, I edged on up towards the fire, which
+was going down apparently. Coming to a <i>bayou</i>, I reconnoitered
+some time. All was quiet, save the pattering of
+the rain in the grass, and on the scattering lofty trees. I
+stood still and absorbed, watching the dying fire, for an
+hour or two. I was within half a mile of it; the intense
+darkness that usually precedes day had passed, and a
+murky, rainy morning was dawning. Cheerless, fatigued,
+and hungry beyond all mental supervision or fear, I marched
+point blank up to the fire, and there lay&mdash;not a tribe of
+Mexicans or Camanches, but my comrade Mat, fast asleep,
+under the lee of a huge dead and fallen cotton-wood, alongside
+of the fire, warm, dry, and comfortable as a bug in a rug!</p>
+
+<p>I gave one shout, that would have riz the scalp lock of
+any red skin within ten miles, and Mat started upon his
+feet and snatched his "Yeager" from under the log quicker
+than death.</p>
+
+<p>"Ho-o-o-ld yer hoss, stranger," I yelled, "I'm only
+going to eat ye!"</p>
+
+<p>Mat and I fraternized, quick and strong. A piece of
+his fawn was jerked and roasted in a giffy. After gormandizing
+about five pounds, and getting a few whiffs at Mat's
+old stone pipe, I took his nest under the log, and slept a
+few hours sound as a pig of lead.</p>
+
+<p>Waked up, prime&mdash;stowed away a few more pounds of
+the fawn, and then we started for camp. Living and faring
+in this manner, for from three to twelve months, may give
+you some idea of the training the heroes of San Jacinto had.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Roosting_Out" id="Roosting_Out"></a>Roosting Out.</h2>
+
+
+<p>In 1837, after the capture of Santa Anna, by General
+Samuel Houston and his little Spartan band, which
+event settled the war, and something like tranquillity being
+restored to Texas, several of us adventurers formed a small
+hunting party, and took to the woods, in a circuitous tour
+up and across the Sabine, and so into the United States,
+homeward bound.</p>
+
+<p>There were seven men, two black boys, belonging to Dr.
+Clenen, one of our "voyageurs," and eleven horses and
+mules, in the party; and with a tolerable fair camp equipage,
+plenty of ammunition, one or two "old campaigners"
+and three monstrous clever dogs, it was naturally supposed
+we should have a pleasant time. The first five days
+were cold, being early Spring, wet, and not <i>very</i> interesting;
+but as all of the party had seen some service, and not
+expecting the comforts and delicacies of civilization, they
+were all the better prepared to take things as they came,
+and by the smooth handle. The idea was to travel slow,
+and reach Jonesboro' or Red River, or keep on the Arkansas,
+and strike near Fort Smith, in twenty or thirty
+days. We left Houston in the morning, passed Montgomery,
+and kept on W. by N. between the Rio Brasos and
+Trinity River, the first five days, then stood off north for
+the head of the Sabine.</p>
+
+<p>Game was very sparse, and rather shy, but falling in
+with some wild turkeys, and a bee tree, we laid by two days
+and lived like fighting cocks. The turkeys were picked
+off the tall trees, as they roosted after night, by rifle shots,
+and no game I ever fed on can exceed the rich flavor of a
+well-roasted, fat wild turkey. The bee tree was a crowder&mdash;a
+large, hollow cyprus, about sixty feet high, straight as
+a barber pole, and nearly seven feet in diameter at the base,
+and full three feet through at the first branch, forty feet up.
+This must have been the hive of many and many a swarm,
+for years past; the tree was cut down, and contained from
+one to three hundred gallons of honey and comb! Nor are
+such bee trees scarce about the head of the Sabine, Red
+River, &amp;c. Bears are very fond of honey. The weather
+then being much improved, it was suggested that the camp
+should be moved a few miles off, and leave the bee tree and
+its great surplus contents, to the bears; and if they did
+come about, we should come back and have a few pops at
+them. The plan was feasible, and all agreed; so, removing
+a few gallons of the translucent delicacy, the camp was
+struck, and, following an old trail a few miles, we found a
+delightful site for recamping under some large oaks on a
+creek, a tributary of the Sabine river.</p>
+
+<p>Some of the "boys," as each styled the others, during
+the day had found "a deer lick," about three miles above
+the camp, and to vary the <i>viands</i> a little, it was proposed
+that three of the boys should go up after dark, lay about,
+and see if a shot could be had at some of the visitors of "the lick."</p>
+
+<p>One of the old heads, and by-the-way we called him "old
+traps," from the fact of his always being so ready to explain
+the manner and uses of all sorts of traps, and the
+inexhaustible adventures he had with them in the course
+of twenty years' experience in the far west.</p>
+
+<p>Well, "old traps," Dr. C., and myself, were the deputed
+committee, that night, to attend to the cases of the deer.
+Soon after dark we put out, and in the course of a couple
+of hours, after some floundering in a muddy "bottom" and
+through hazel brush, or chaparral, the "lick" was found,
+and positions taken for raking the victims. "Old traps"
+took a lodge in a clump of bushes. Dr. C. and I squatted
+on a dead tree, with a few bushes around it, and in a particularly
+dark spot, from the fact of some very heavy timber
+with wide-spreading tops standing around and nearly over us.</p>
+
+<p>The ability of keeping still in a disagreeable situation,
+for a long time, is most desirable and necessary in the character
+of a hunter;&mdash;some men have a faculty for holding
+a fishing-rod hours at a time over a fishless tide, with wondrous
+ardor; and I have known men to watch deer, bear,
+and other game, in one position, for ten or twenty hours.
+Sauntering up and down in the dark, with wind and rain,
+and a musket in your arms for company, is not pleasant
+pastime; but my patience revolted at the idea of squatting
+on the wet log, all cramped up, three or four hours, and no
+deer making their appearance; Doctor and I made up our
+minds to arouse "old traps," and patter back to the camp.
+Just as the resolution was about to be put in action, two
+deer, fine antlered customers, made their appearance about
+three hundred yards from us, out on a small plain, where
+their sprightly forms could just be made out as they leisurely
+stepped along. Getting near "old traps," he soon
+convinced us that <i>his</i> eye was still open, although we had
+concluded he was fast asleep. The sharp, whip-like crack
+of "old traps'" rifle brought down one of the deer, and
+the other, in bounds of thirty or forty feet at a spring,
+whisked nearly over us, and the Doctor and I fired at the
+flying deer as he came; neither shot took effect, and off he sped.</p>
+
+<p>"Hurrah! for the old boy!" shouted the Doctor, as we
+all bustled up to where the deer lay kicking and plunging
+in his death throes. "By Jove, 'traps,' you've put a ball
+clean through his head!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir," said traps; "I ollers fix game that way, myself."</p>
+
+<p>"Except when you fix them with the traps, eh?" said I.</p>
+
+<p>"'Zactly," said traps. "But now, boys," he continued
+loading up his rifle, "now let's snatch off the creature's
+hide, quarter it, and travel back to the camp, for we ain't
+gwoine to have any more deer to-night."</p>
+
+<p>This was soon accomplished. Trap seized the hind quarters
+and hide, and travelled; Doctor and I brought up the
+rear with the rest of the meat and fat.</p>
+
+<p>To avoid the muddy "bottom," in going back, we concluded
+to take a little round-about way, and relieved one
+another by taking "spells" at carrying the rifles and the
+meat. We jogged along, chatting away, for some time,
+when it occurred to us that we were getting very near the
+camp, or ought to be, for we had walked long and fast enough.</p>
+
+<p>Doctor was trudging on ahead with the meat; I was
+behind some twenty yards with both rifles; we were passing
+through some thin timber which skirted a little prairie, out
+on which we could see quite distinctly; Doctor made a sudden halt&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Hollo! by Jove, what's that?"</p>
+
+<p>"What? eh? where?" said I, bustling up to the Doctor,
+who made free to drop the meat, wheeled about,
+snatched his rifle out of my fists and <i>broke!</i></p>
+
+<p>"A grizzly bear coming, by thunder!"</p>
+
+<p>Upon that <i>hint</i> there were two gentlemen seen hurrying
+themselves <i>somewhat</i>, I reckon, on the back track. Doctor
+was what you might call a fast trotter, but when he broke
+into a full gallop the odds against me were dreadful! I
+was fairly distanced, and when perfectly blowed out stopped
+to pull the briars out of my torn trowsers, scratched face
+and dishevelled locks, listen to the enemy, and ascertain
+where the Doctor had got to. No sound broke the reigning
+stillness, save the sonorous "coo-hoot" of an owl. My
+rifle was empty, and a search satisfied me that my caps
+were not to be found. My own cap had also disappeared
+in the fright, and I was in a bad way for defence, and completely
+at a dead loss as to the bearings of the camp.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," thinks I, "it's no particular use crying over
+spilt milk&mdash;it's no use to move when there is no idea existing
+of bettering one's self, so here I'll <i>roost</i> until daylight,
+unless Doctor comes back to hunt me up!" I judged it
+was not far from 2 o'clock, A. M., and believed it possible
+that our venison might only whet a grizzly bear's appetite
+to follow up the pursuit and gormandize me!&mdash;A proper
+site for a <i>roost</i> was the next matter of importance, and a
+scrubby oak with a thick top, close by, offered an inviting
+elevation to lodge.</p>
+
+<p>A long, long time seemed the coming day; and the sharp
+air of its approach, and heavy dew, made "perching" in a
+crotch very fatiguing "pastime."</p>
+
+<p>When light began to dawn, sliding down I took an observation
+that convinced me, according to Indian signs, that
+Doctor and I had gone South too far to hit the camp, and,
+to the best of my reckoning, the old bee tree was not far
+out of my way, and that I now struck for.</p>
+
+<p>About noon, and a lovely day it was, I discovered the
+bee tree, made a dinner on honey, which was scattered
+about considerably, giving evidence of its having been
+visited by our rugged Russian friends.</p>
+
+<p>And now, feeling anxious to see human faces, and not
+linger about a spot where troublesome customers might
+abound, I made tracks for the camp, which was reached
+about sundown, and where I found, to my regret, the Doctor
+had not come in yet.</p>
+
+<p>"Old Traps" had returned all safe enough, and had been
+prophesying "the boys" were lost, and would not soon be
+found again. However, the old fellow put away his deer
+skin, which he had been cleaning, &amp;c., to give me a feed
+of the deer, a few remnants yet remaining, and from my
+exercise and fasting, never was a rude meal more luxurious.
+Two of the party, with one of the black boys, and a mule,
+had been out since noon in quest of us, and about midnight
+they returned with the Doctor, who congratulated me on
+what he had estimated as an escape. So did I. We all
+concluded <i>it was a</i> <span class="smcap">deer</span> <i>hunt!</i> Though we "had a time"
+at the bee tree, next night, that made us about square.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Rather_Twangy" id="Rather_Twangy"></a>Rather Twangy.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Three Irishmen, green as the Isle that per-duced 'em,
+but full of sin, and fond of the crater, broke into a country
+store down in Maine, one night last week, and after striking
+a light, they <i>lit</i> upon a large demijohn, having the suspicious
+look of a whiskey holder. One held the light, while another
+held up the <i>demi</i> to his mouth, and took a small taster.</p>
+
+<p>"Arrah, what a twang! An' it's what they call Shemaky,
+I'm thinkin'!" says the fellow, screwing his face into
+all manner of puckers.</p>
+
+<p>"It's the very stuff, thin, for me, so hould the light, and
+I'll take a swig at 'im," says Paddy number two. "<i>Agh!</i>"
+says he, putting down the demijohn in haste, "it's rale
+bhrandy&mdash;<i>agh-h!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"Branthy? Thin it's meself as'll have a wee bit uv a
+swig at 'em," and Paddy number three took hold, and down
+he rushed a good slew of it!</p>
+
+<p>"Murther and turf! It's every divil ov us are pizened&mdash;o-o-och!
+Murther-r-r!" and he raised such a hullaballoo,
+that the neighbors were awakened. They came rushing in,
+and arrested Paddy number three. The others fled, with
+their bellies full of washing fluid! The poor fellow had
+drank nearly a pint; being possessed with a gutta percha
+stomach, he stood the infliction without kicking the bucket,
+but he was bleached, in two days&mdash;white as a bolt of cotton cloth!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Around_the_Fodder" id="Around_the_Fodder"></a>Passing Around the Fodder!<br />
+<span class='smcap'>A Dinner Sketch</span>.
+</h2>
+
+<p>A few weeks ago, during a passage from Gotham to
+Boston, on the "<i>Empire State</i>," one of the most
+elegant and swift steamers that ever man's ingenuity put
+upon the waters, I met a well-known joker from the Quaker
+city, on his first trip "down East." After mutually examining
+and eulogising the external appearance and internal
+arrangements of the "Empire," winding up our investigation,
+of course, with a <i>look</i> into a small corner cupboard
+in the barber's office, where a superb <i>smile</i>&mdash;as <i>is</i> a smile&mdash;can
+be usually enjoyed by the <i>nobbish</i> investment of a York
+shilling; soon after passing through "Hell Gate"&mdash;gliding
+by the beautiful villas, chateaux, and almost princely
+palaces of the business men of the great city of New York,
+we were soon out upon the broad, deep Sound, a glorious
+place for steam-boating. Soon after, the bells announced
+"supper ready"&mdash;a general stampede into the spacious
+cabin took place, and though the tables strung along forty
+rods on each side of the great cabin, not over half the
+crowd got seats upon this interesting occasion. I was
+<i>about</i> with my friend&mdash;in <i>time</i>, stuck our legs under the
+mahogany, and gazed upon the open prospect for a supper
+superb enough in all its details to tempt a jolly old friar
+from his devotions. We got along very nicely. An old
+chap who sat above us some seats, and whose rotund developments
+gave any ordinary observer reason to suppose his
+appetite as unquenchable as the Maelstrom, kept reaching
+about, and when tempting vessels were too remote, he'd
+bawl "right eout" for them.</p>
+
+<p>"Halloo! I say you, Mister there, just hand along that
+saas; give us a chance, will ye, at that; notion on't, what
+d'ye call that stuff?"</p>
+
+<p>"This?" says one, passing along a dish.</p>
+
+<p>"Pshaw, no, t'other there."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! ah! yes, <i>this</i>," says my facetious friend.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, that ain't it, but no odds; fetch it along!" and
+down we sent the biggest dish of meat in our neighborhood.</p>
+
+<p>"Now," says I, "my boy, I'll show you a 'dodge.' We'll
+see how it works."</p>
+
+<p>Filling a plate full to the brim, with all and each of the
+various <i>heavy</i> courses in our vicinity, I very politely passed
+it over to my next neighbor with&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Please to pass that up, sir?"</p>
+
+<p>"Umph, eh?" says the gentleman, taking hold of the
+plate very gingerly; "pass it <i>up</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>"Aye, yes, if you please," says I.</p>
+
+<p>By this time he had fairly got the loaded plate in his
+fists, and began to look about him where to pass the plate
+<i>to</i>. Nobody in particular seemed on the watch for a <i>spare</i>
+plate. The gent looked back at me, but I was "cutting
+away" and watching from the extreme corner of my left
+eye the victim and his charge, while I pressed hard upon
+the corn pile of my friend's foot under the table.</p>
+
+<p>At length, the victim thought he saw some one up the
+table waiting for the plate, and quickly he whispered to his
+next neighbor&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Please, sir, to-to-a, <i>just pass this plate up!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>The man took the plate, and being more of a practical
+operator than his neighbor, gave the plate over to <i>his</i> next
+neighbor, with&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Pass this plate up to that gentleman, if you please,"
+dodging his head towards an old gent in specs, who sat
+near the head of the table, grinning a ghastly smile over
+the field of good things.</p>
+
+<p>"It's <i>going!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>What?</i>" says my friend.</p>
+
+<p>"The plate; it's going the rounds; just you keep quiet,
+you'll see a good thing."</p>
+
+<p>The plate, at length, got to the head of the table. It
+was given to the old gentleman in specs; he looked over
+the top of his specs very deliberately at the "fodder," then
+back at the thin, pale, student-looking youth who handed
+it to him, then up and down the table. A raw-boned,
+gaunt and hollow-looking disciple caught the eye of the old
+gent; he must be the man who wanted the "load." His
+lips quacked as if in the act of&mdash;"pass this plate, sir,"&mdash;to
+his next neighbor; he was too far off for us to <i>hear</i> his
+discourse. Well, the plate came booming along down the
+opposite side; the tall man declined it and gave it over to
+his next neighbor, who seemed a little tempted to take hold
+of the invoice, but just then it occurred to him, probably,
+that he was keeping <i>somebody</i> (!) out of his grub, so he
+quickly turned to his neighbor and passed the plate. One
+or two more moves brought the plate within our range,
+and there it liked to have <i>stuck</i>, for a fussy old Englishman,
+in whom politeness did not stick out very prominently, grunted&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"I don't want it, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, but, sir, please <i>pass it</i>," says the last victim, beseechingly
+holding out the plate.</p>
+
+<p>"Pass it? Here, mister, 's your plate," says Bull, at
+length reluctantly seizing on the plate, and rushing it on
+to his next neighbor, who started&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Not mine, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"Not yours! Who does it belong to? Pass it down to somebody."</p>
+
+<p>Off went the plate again. Several ladies turned up their
+pretty eyes and noses while the gents <i>passed it</i> by them.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, if there ain't that plate a going the rounds, that
+you gave me!" says my next neighbor, to whom I had first
+given the "currency."</p>
+
+<p>"That plate? Oh, yes, so it is; well," says I, with
+feigned astonishment, "this is the first time I ever saw a
+good supper so universally discarded!"</p>
+
+<p>The plate was off again. It reached the foot of the
+table. An elderly lady looked up, looked around, removed
+a large sweet potato from the pile&mdash;then passed it along.
+An old salty-looking captain, just then took a vacant seat,
+and the plate reached him just in the nick of time. He
+looked voracious&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Ah," said he, with a savage growl, "that's your sort;
+thunder and oakum, I'm as peckish as a shark, and here's
+the <i>duff for me!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>That ended the peregrinations of the plate, and I and
+my friend&mdash;<i>yelled right out!</i></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Hint_to_Soyer" id="Hint_to_Soyer"></a>A Hint to Soyer.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Magrundy says, in his work on <i>Grub</i>, that a Frenchman
+will "frigazee" a pair of old boots and make a respectable
+soup out of an ancient chapeau; but our friend Perriwinkle
+affirms that the French ain't "nowhere," after a feat he
+saw in the kitchen arrangement of a "cheap boarding
+house" in the North End:&mdash;the landlady made a chowder
+out of an old broom mixed with sinders, and after all the
+boarders had dined upon it scrumptiously, the remains made
+broth for the whole family, next day, besides plenty of
+fragments left for a poor family! That landlady is bound&mdash;<i>to
+make Rome howl!</i></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Leg_of_Mutton" id="Leg_of_Mutton"></a>The Leg of Mutton.</h2>
+
+
+<p>I'm going to state to you the remarkable adventures of a
+very remarkable man, who went to market to get a leg of
+mutton for his Sunday dinner. I have heard, or read somewhere
+or other, almost similar stories; whether they were
+real or imaginary, I am unable to say; but I can vouch for
+the authenticity of my story, for I know the hero well.</p>
+
+<p>In the year 1812, it will be recollected that we had some
+military disputes with England, which elicited some pretty
+tall fights by land and sea, and the land we live in was considerably
+excited upon the subject, and patriotism rose to
+many degrees above blood heat. Philadelphia, about that
+time, like all other cities, I suppose, was the scene of drum-beating,
+marching and counter-marching, and volunteering
+of the patriotic people.</p>
+
+<p>The President sent forth his proclamations, the governors
+of the respective States reiterated them, and a large
+portion of our brave republicans were soon in or marching
+to the battle field. There lived and wrought at his trade,
+carpentering, in the city of Philadelphia, about that time,
+a very tall, slim man, named Houp; Peter Houp, that was
+his name. He was a very steady, upright, and honest man,
+married, had a small, comfortable family, and to all intents
+and purposes, settled down for life. How deceptive, how
+unstable, how uncertain is man, to say nothing of the more
+frail portion of the creation&mdash;woman! Peter Houp one
+fair morning took his basket on his arm, and off he went to
+get a leg of mutton and trimmings for his next Sunday's
+dinner. Beyond the object of research, Peter never dreamed
+of extending his travels for that day, certain. A leg of
+mutton is not an indifferent article, well cooked, a matter
+somewhat different to amateur cooks; and as good legs of
+mutton as can be found on this side of the big pond, can
+be found almost any Saturday morning in the Pennsylvania
+market wagons, which congregate along Second street, for
+a mile or two in a string. Peter could have secured his
+leg and brought it home in an hour or two at most.</p>
+
+<p>But hours passed, noon came, and night followed it, and
+in the course of time, the morrow, the joyous Sunday, for
+which the <i>leg of mutton</i> was to be brought and prepared,
+and offered up, a sacrifice to the household gods and grateful
+appetites, came, but neither the leg of mutton, nor the
+man Peter, husband and father Houp, darkened the doors
+of the carpenter's humble domicil, that day, the next or the
+next! I cannot, of course, realize half the agony or tortures
+of suspense that must have preyed upon that wife's
+heart and brain, that must have haunted her feverish dreams
+at night, and her aching mind by day. When grim death
+strikes a blow, whenever so near and dear a friend is levelled,
+cold, breathless, dead&mdash;we see, we know there is the
+end! Grief has its season, the bitterest of woe then calms,
+subsides, or ceases; but <i>lost</i>&mdash;which hope prevents mourning
+as dead, and whose death-like absence almost precludes
+the idea that they live, engenders in the soul of true affection,
+a gloomy, torturing and desponding sorrow, more
+agonizing than the sting actual death leaves behind. I have
+endeavored to depict what must have been, what were the
+feelings of Peter Houp's wife. She mourned and grieved,
+and still hoped on, though months and years passed away
+without imparting the slightest clue to the unfortunate fate
+of her husband. Her three children, two boys and a girl,
+grew up; ten, eleven, twelve years passed away, with no tidings
+of the lost man having reached his family; but they
+still lived with a kind of despairing hope that the husband
+and father would yet <i>come home</i>, and so he did.</p>
+
+<p>Let us see what became of Peter Houp, the carpenter.
+As he strolled along with his basket under his arm, on the
+eventful morning he sought the leg of mutton, he met a
+platoon of men dressed up in uniform, muskets on their
+shoulders, colors flying, drums beating, and a mob of
+hurrahers following and shouting for the volunteers. Yes,
+it was a company of volunteers, just about shipping off for
+the South, to join the "Old Zack" of that day, General
+Jackson. Peter Houp saw in the ranks of the volunteers
+several of his old <i>chums</i>; he spoke to them, walked along
+with the men of Mars, got inspired&mdash;patriotic&mdash;<i>drunk</i>.
+Two days after that eventful Saturday, on which the quiet,
+honest, and industrious carpenter left his wife and children
+full of hope and happiness, he found himself in blue breeches,
+roundabout, and black cap, on board a brig&mdash;bound for
+New Orleans. A volunteer for the war! It was too late
+to repent then; the brig was ploughing her way through
+the foaming billows, and in a few weeks she arrived at Mobile,
+as she could not reach New Orleans, the British under
+General Packenham being off the Balize. So the volunteers
+were landed at Mobile, and hurried on over land to
+the devoted (or was to be) Crescent city. Peter Houp was
+not only a good man, liable as all men are to make a false
+step once in life, but a brave one. Having gone so far,
+and made a step so hard to retrace, Peter's cool reason got
+bothered; he poured the spirits down to keep his spirits
+up, as the saying goes, and abandoned himself to fate.
+Caring neither for life nor death, he was found behind the
+cotton bags, which he had assisted in getting down from
+the city to the battle ground, piled up, and now ready to
+defend his country while life lasted. Peter fought well, being
+a man not unlike the brave Old Hickory himself, tall,
+firm, and resolute-looking. He attracted General Jackson's
+attention during the battle, and afterwards was personally
+complimented for his skill and courage by the victorious
+Commander-in-chief. Every body knows the history of
+the battle of New Orleans&mdash;I need not relate it. After the
+victory, the soldiers were allowed considerable license, and
+they made New Orleans a scene of revel and dissipation, as
+all cities are likely to represent when near a victorious
+army. Peter Houp was on a "regular bender," a "big
+tare," a long spree&mdash;and for one so unlike any thing of the
+kind, he went it with a <i>perfect looseness</i>.</p>
+
+<p>A rich citizen's house was robbed&mdash;burglariously entered
+and robbed; and Peter Houp, the staid, plain Philadelphia
+carpenter, who would not have bartered his reputation
+for all the ingots of the Incas, while in his sober senses,
+was arrested as one of the burglars, and the imputation,
+false or true, caused him to spend seven years in a penitentiary.
+O, what an awful probation of sorrow and mental
+agony were those seven long years! But they passed
+over, and Peter Houp was again free, not a worse man, fortunately,
+but a much wiser one! He had not seen or heard
+a word of those so long dearly cherished, and cruelly deserted&mdash;his
+family&mdash;for eight years, and his heart yearned
+towards them so strongly that, pennyless, pale and care-worn
+as he was, he would have started immediately for
+home, but being a good carpenter, and wages high, he concluded
+to go to work, while he patiently awaited a reply of
+his abandoned family to his long and penitent written letter.
+Weeks, months, and a year passed, and no reply came,
+though another letter was dispatched, for fear of the miscarriage
+of the first; (and both letters did miscarry, as the
+wife never received them.) Peter gave himself up as a lost
+man, his family lost or scattered, and nothing but death
+could end his detailed wretchedness. But still, as fortune
+would have it, he never again sought refuge from his sorrows
+in the poisoned chalice, the rum glass; not he. Peter
+toiled, saved his money, and at the end of four years found
+himself in the possession of a snug little sum of hard cash,
+and a fully established good name. But all of this time he
+had heard not a syllable of his home; and all of a sudden,
+one fine day in early spring, he took passage in a ship, arrived
+in Philadelphia; and in a few rods from the wharf,
+upon which he landed, he met an old neighbor. The astonishment
+of the latter seemed wondrous; he burst out&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"My God! is this Peter Houp, come from his grave?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," said Peter, in his slow, dry way, "I'm from New Orleans."</p>
+
+<p>Peter soon learned that his wife and children yet lived in
+the same place, and long mourned him as forever gone.
+Peter Houp felt any thing but merry, but he was determined
+to have his joke and a merry meeting. In an hour or two
+Peter Houp, the long lost wanderer, stood in his own door.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Nancy, <i>here is thy leg of mutton!</i>" and a fine
+one too he had.</p>
+
+<p>The most excellent woman was alone. She was of Quaker
+origin; sober and stoical as her husband, she regarded
+him wistfully as he stood in the door, for a long
+time; at last she spoke&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Peter, thee's been gone a <i>long time for it</i>."</p>
+
+<p>The next moment found them locked in each other's
+arms; overtasked nature could stand no more, and they
+both cried like children.</p>
+
+<p>The carpenter has once held offices of public trust, and
+lives yet, I believe, an old and highly respected citizen of
+"Brotherly Love."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Chapter_on_Misers" id="Chapter_on_Misers"></a>A Chapter on Misers.</h2>
+
+
+<p>We all love, worship and adore that everlasting deity&mdash;<i>money</i>.
+The poor feel its want, the rich know
+its power. Virtue falls before its corrupting and seductive
+influence. Honor is tainted by it. Pride, pomp and
+power, are but the creatures of money, and which corrupt
+hearts and enslaved souls wield to the great annoyance&mdash;yea,
+curse of mankind in general.</p>
+
+<p>It is well, that, though we are all fond of money, not
+over one in a thousand, prove miserable misers, and go on
+to amass dollar upon dollar, until the shining heaps of garnered
+gold and silver become a god, and a faith, that the
+rich wretch worships with the tenacious devotion of the
+most frenzied fanatic. In the accumulation of a competency,
+against the odds and chances of advanced life, a man may
+be pardoned for a degree of economical prudence; but for
+parsimonious meanness, there is certainly no excuse. I
+have heard my father speak of an old miserly fellow, who
+owned a great many blocks of buildings in Philadelphia, as
+well as many excellent farms around there, and who, though
+rich as a Jew (worth $200,000), was so despicably and
+scandalously mean, as to go through the markets and beg
+bones of the butchers, to make himself and family soup for
+their dinners! He resorted to a score of similar humiliating
+"dodges," whereby to prolong his miserable existence, and
+add dime and dollar to his already bursting coffers.</p>
+
+<p>At length, Death knocked at his door. The debt was
+one the poor wretch would fain have gotten a little more
+time on, but the Court of Death brooks no delay&mdash;there is
+no cunning devise of learned counsel, no writs of error, by
+which even a miserable miser, or voluptuous millionaire, can
+gain a moment's delay when death issues his summons. The
+miser was called for, and he knew his time had come. He
+sent for the undertaker, he bargained for his burial&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"They say I'm rich! it's a lie, sir&mdash;I'm poor, miserably
+poor. I want but three carriages. My children may want
+a dozen&mdash;I say but <i>three</i>; put that down. A very plain
+coffin; pine, stained will do, and no ornaments, hark ye.
+A cheap grave. I would be buried on one of my farms,
+but then the coach-drivers would charge so much to carry
+me out! Now, what will you ask for the job?"</p>
+
+<p>"About thirty dollars, sir," said the almost horrified undertaker.</p>
+
+<p>"Thirty dollars! why, do you want to rob me? Say
+fifteen dollars&mdash;give me a receipt&mdash;<i>and I'll pay you the
+cash down!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>Poor wretch! by the time he had uttered this, his soul
+had flown to its resting-place in another world.</p>
+
+<p>In the upper part of Boston, on what is called "the
+Neck," there lived, some years ago, a wealthy old man, who
+resorted to sundry curious methods to live without cost to
+himself. His house&mdash;one of the handsomest mansions in
+the "South End," in its day&mdash;stood near the road over
+which the gardeners, in times past, used to go to market,
+with their loads of vegetables, two days of each week. Old
+Gripes would be up before day, and on the lookout for
+these wagons.</p>
+
+<p>"Halloo! what have you got there?" says the miser to
+the countryman.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, daddy, a little of all sorts; potatoes, cabbages,
+turnips, parsnips, and so on. Won't you look at 'em?"</p>
+
+<p>At this, the old miser would begin to fumble over the
+vegetables, pocket a <ins title="potatoe">potato</ins>, an onion, turnip, or&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, yes, they are good enough, but we poor creatures
+can't afford to pay such prices as you ask; no, no&mdash;we
+must wait until they come down." The old miser would
+sneak into the house with his stolen vegetables, and the
+farmer would drive on. Then back would come the miser,
+and lay in ambush for another load, and thus, in course of
+a few hours, he would raise enough vegetables to give his
+household a dinner. Another "dodge" of this artful old
+dodger, was to take all the coppers he got (and, of course,
+a poor creature like him handled a great many), and then
+go abroad among the stores and trade off six for a fourpence,
+and when he had four fourpences, get a quarter of a
+dollar for them, and thus in getting a dollar, he made four
+per cent., by several hours' disgusting meanness and labor.</p>
+
+<p>But one day the old miser ran foul of a snag. A market-man
+had watched him for some time purloining his vegetables,
+and on the first of the year, sent in a bill of several
+dollars, for turnips, potatoes, parsnips, &amp;c. The old miser,
+of course, refused to pay the bill, denying ever having had
+"the goods." But the countryman called, in <i>propria persona</i>,
+refreshed his memory, and added, that, if the bill
+was not footed on sight, he should prosecute him for
+<i>stealing!</i> This made the old miser shake in his boots. He
+blustered for awhile; then reasoned the case; then plead
+poverty. But the purveyor in vegetables was not the man
+to be cabbaged in that way, and the old miser called him
+into his sitting-room, and ordered his son, a wild young
+scamp, to go up stairs and see if he could find five dollars
+in any of the drawers or boxes up there. The young man
+finally called out&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Dad, which bag shall I take it out of, <i>the gold or silver</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>"Odd zounds!" bawled the old man&mdash;"the boy wants to
+let on I've got bags of gold and silver!"</p>
+
+<p>And so he had, many thousands of dollars in good gold
+and silver; he hobbled up stairs, got nine half dollars, and
+tried to get off fifty cents less than the countryman's bill;
+but the countryman was stubborn as a mule, and would not
+abate a farthing&mdash;so the old miser had to hobble up stairs
+and fetch down his fifty cents more, and the whole operation
+was like squeezing bear's grease from a pig's tail, or jerking
+out eye-teeth.</p>
+
+<p>The miser never waylaid the market-men again; and not
+long after this, he got a spurious dollar put upon him in
+one of his "exchanging" operations, and that wound up his
+penny shaving.</p>
+
+<p>Time passed&mdash;Death called upon the wretched man of
+ingots and money bags,&mdash;but while power remained to
+forbid it, the old miser refused to have a physician. When,
+to all appearance, his senses were gone, his friends drew
+the miser's pantaloons from under his pillow, where he had
+always insisted on their remaining during his sleeping hours,
+and his last illness&mdash;but as one of the attendants slowly removed
+the garment, the poor old man, with a convulsive
+effort&mdash;a galvanic-like grab&mdash;threw out his bony, cold hand,
+and seized his old pantaloons!</p>
+
+<p>The miser clutched them with a dying grasp; words
+struggled in his throat; he could not utter them; his jaw
+fell&mdash;he was dead!</p>
+
+<p>Much curiosity was manifested by the friends and relatives
+to know what could have caused the poor old man to
+cling to his time-worn pantaloons; but the mystery was
+soon revealed&mdash;for upon examination of the linings of the
+waistbands and watch-fob, over $30,000 in bank notes were
+there concealed!</p>
+
+<p>The Lord's pardon and human sympathy be with all such
+misguided and wretched slaves of&mdash;money, say we.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Dog_Day" id="Dog_Day"></a>Dog Day.</h2>
+
+
+<p>I used to like dogs&mdash;a puppy love that I got bravely
+over, since once upon a time, when a Dutch <i>bottier</i>, in
+the city of Charleston, S. C., put an end to my poor <i>Sue</i>,&mdash;the
+prettiest and most devoted female bull terrier specimen
+of the canine race you ever did see, I guess. My <i>Sue</i>
+got into the wrong pew, one morning; the crout-eating
+cordwainer and she had a dispute&mdash;he, the bullet-headed
+ball of wax, ups with his revolver, and&mdash;I was dogless!
+I don't think dogs a very profitable investment, and every
+man weak enough to keep a dog in a city, ought to pay
+for the luxury handsomely&mdash;to the city authorities. Some
+people have a great weakness for dogs. Some fancy gentlemen
+seem to think it the very apex of highcockalorumdom
+to have the skeleton of a greyhound and highly polished
+collar&mdash;following them through crowded thorough-fares.
+Some young ladies, especially those of doubtful
+ages, delight in caressing lumps of white, cotton-looking
+dumpy dogs and toting them around, to the disgust of
+the lookers-on&mdash;with all the fondness and blind infatuation
+of a mamma with her first born, bran new baby. Wherever
+you see any quantity of white and black <i>loafers</i>&mdash;Philadelphia,
+for instance, you'll see rafts of ugly and wretched
+looking curs. Boz says poverty and oysters have a great
+affinity; in this country, for oysters read <i>dogs</i>. Who has
+not, that ever travelled over this remarkable country, had
+occasion to be down on dogs? Who that has ever lain
+awake, for hours at a stretch, listening to a blasted cur, not
+worth to any body the powder that would blow him up&mdash;but
+has felt a desire to advocate the dog-law, so judiciously
+practised in all well-regulated cities? Who that ever had
+a sneaking villanous cur slip up behind and <i>nip</i> out a patch of
+your trowsers, boot top and calf&mdash;the size of an oyster,
+but has felt for the pistol, knife or club, and sworn eternal
+enmity to the whole canine race? Who that ever had a
+big dog jump upon your Russia-ducks and patent leathers&mdash;just
+as he had come out of a mud-puddle, but has nearly
+forfeited his title to Christianity, by cursing aloud in his
+grief&mdash;like a trooper? Well, I have, for one of a thousand.</p>
+
+<p>The fact of the business is, with precious few exceptions,
+dogs are a nuisance, whatever Col. Bill Porter of the
+"Spirit," and his thousand and one dog-fancying and inquiring
+friends, may think to the contrary; and the man
+that will invest fifty real dollars in a dog-skin, has got a
+tender place in his head, not healed up as it ought to be.</p>
+
+<p>While "putting up," t'other day, at the Irving House,
+New York, I heard a good dog story that will bear repeating,
+I think. A sporting gent from the country, stopping at
+the Irving, wanted a dog, a good dog, not particular
+whether it was a spaniel, hound, pointer, English terrier
+or Butcher's bull. So a friend advised him to put an advertisement
+in the Sun and Spirit of the Times, which he
+did, requesting the "fancy" to bring along the right sort
+of dog to the Irving House, room number &mdash;.</p>
+
+<p>The advertisement appeared simultaneously in the two
+papers on Saturday. There were but few calls that day;
+but on Monday, the "Spirit" having been freely imbibed
+by its numerous readers over Sunday, the dog men were
+awake, and then began the scene. The occupant of room
+number &mdash;had scarcely got up, before a servant appeared
+with a man and a dog.</p>
+
+<p>"Believe, sir, you advertised for a dog?" quoth he with the animal.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," was the response of the country fancy man, who,
+by the way, it must be premised, was rather green as to
+the quality and prices of fancy dogs.</p>
+
+<p>"What kind of a dog do you call that?" he added.</p>
+
+<p>"A greyhound, full blooded, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"Full blooded?" says the country sportsman. "Well,
+he don't look as though he had much blood in him. He'd
+look better, wouldn't he, mister, if he was full bellied&mdash;looks
+as hollow as a flute!"</p>
+
+<p>This remark, for a moment, rather staggered the dog
+man, who first looked at his dog and then at the critic.
+Choking down his dander, or disgust, says he:</p>
+
+<p>"That's the best greyhound you ever saw, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, what do you ask for him?"</p>
+
+<p>"Seventy-five dollars."</p>
+
+<p>"What? Seventy-five dollars for that dog frame?"</p>
+
+<p>"I guess you're a fool any way," says the dog man:
+"you don't know a hound from a tan yard cur, you jackass!
+Phe-e-wt! come along, Jerry!" and the man and dog disappeared.</p>
+
+<p>The man with the hollow dog had not stepped out two
+minutes, before the servant appeared with two more dog
+merchants; both had their specimens along, and were invited
+to "step in."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! that's a dog!" ejaculated the country sportsman,
+the moment his eyes lit upon the massive proportions of a
+thundering edition of Mt. St. Bernard.</p>
+
+<p>"That <i>is</i> a dog, sir," was the emphatic response of the
+dog merchant.</p>
+
+<p>"How much do you ask for that dog?" quoth the sportsman.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," says the trader, patting his dog, "I thought
+of getting about fifty-five dollars for him, but I&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p><a id="Pg_136" name="Pg_136"></a>"Stop," interrupted the country sportsman, "that's
+enough&mdash;he won't suit, no how; I can't go them figures
+on dogs." The man and dog left growling, and the next
+man and dog were brought up.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, that's a queer dog, mister, ain't it? 'Tain't got
+no hair on it; why, where in blazes did you raise such a
+dog as that; been scalded, hain't it?" says the rural sportsman,
+examining the critter.</p>
+
+<p>"Scalded?" echoed the dog man, looking no ways amiable
+at the speaker, "why didn't you never see a Chinese
+terrier, afore?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, and if that's one, I don't care about seeing another.
+Why, he looks like a singed possum?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you're a pooty looking country jake, you are, to
+advertise for a <i>dog</i>, and don't know Chiney terrier from a
+singed possum?"</p>
+
+<p>Another rap at the door announced more dogs, and as
+the man opened it to get out with his singed possum, a
+genus who evidently "killed for Keyser," rushed in with a
+pair of the ugliest-looking&mdash;savage&mdash;snub-nosed, slaughter-house
+pups, "the fancy" might ever hope to look upon!
+As these meat-axish canines made a rush at the very boot
+tops of the country sportsman, he "shied off," pretty perceptibly.</p>
+
+<p><a id='illo1ref' name='illo1ref'></a>"Are you de man advertised for de dogs, sa-a-ay? You
+needn't be afraid o' dem; come a'here, lay da-own, Balty&mdash;day's
+de dogs, mister, vot you read of!"</p>
+
+<p>"Ain't they rather fierce?" asked the rural sportsman,
+eyeing the ugly brutes.</p>
+
+<p>"Fierce? Better believe dey are&mdash;show 'em a f-f-ight,
+if you want to see 'em go in for de chances! You want
+to see der teeth?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, I guess not," timidly responded the sportsman;
+"they are not exactly what I want," he continued.</p>
+
+<p>"What," says Jakey, "don't want 'em? Why, look
+a'here, you don't go for to say dat you 'spect I'm agoin'
+for to fetch d-dogs clean down here, for nuthin', do you,
+sa-a-ay? Cos if you do, I'll jis drop off my duds and lam
+ye out o' yer boots!"</p>
+
+<p>Jakey was just beginning to square, when his belligerent
+propositions were suddenly nipped in the bud, by the servant
+opening the door and ushering in more dogs; and no
+sooner did Jakey's pups see the new-comers, than they
+went in; a fight ensued&mdash;both of Jakey's pups lighting
+down on an able-bodied, big-bone sorrel dog, who appeared
+perfectly happy in the transaction, and having a tremendous
+jaw of his own, made the bones of the pups crack
+with the high pressure he gave them. Of course a dog
+fight is the <i>cue</i> for a man fight, and in the wag of a dead
+lamb's tail, Jakey and the proprietor of the sorrel dog had
+a dispute. Jakey was attitudinizing <i>a la</i> "the fancy," when
+the sorrel dog man&mdash;who, like his dog, was got up on a
+liberal scale of strength and proportions&mdash;walked right
+into Jakey's calculations, and whirled him in double flip-flaps
+on to the wash-stand of the rural sportsman's room!
+Our sporting friend viewed the various combatants more in
+bodily fear than otherwise, and was making a break for the
+door, to clear himself, when, to his horror and amazement,
+he found the entry beset by sundry men and boys, and any
+quantity of dogs&mdash;dogs of every hue, size, and description.
+At that moment the chawed-up pups of Jakey, and their
+equally used-up master, came a rushing down stairs&mdash;another
+fight ensued on the stairs between Jakey's dogs and
+some others, and then a stampede of dogs&mdash;mixing up of
+dogs&mdash;tangling of ropes and straps&mdash;cursing and hurraing,
+and such a time generally, as is far better imagined than
+described. The boarders hearing such a wild outcry&mdash;to
+say nothing of the yelps of dogs, came out of their various
+rooms, and retired as quickly, to escape the stray and confused
+dogs, that now were ki-yi-ing, yelping, and pitching
+all over the house! By judicious marshalling of the servants&mdash;broom-sticks,
+rolling-pins and canes, the dogs and
+their various proprietors were ejected, and order once
+more restored; the country sportsman seized his valise,
+paid his bills and "vamosed the ranche," and ever after it
+was incorporated in the rules of the Irving, that gentlemen
+are strictly prohibited from dealing in dogs while "putting
+up" in that house.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Amateur_Gardening" id="Amateur_Gardening"></a>Amateur Gardening.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"I don't see what in sin's become of them dahlias I set
+out this Spring," said Tapehorn, a retired slop-shop merchant,
+to his wife, one morning a month ago, as he hunted
+in vain among the weeds and grass of his garden, to see
+where or when his two-dollars-a-piece dahlia roots were
+going to appear.</p>
+
+<p>"Can't think what's the matter with 'em," he continued.
+"Goldblossom said they were the finest roots he ever sold&mdash;ought
+to be up and in bloom&mdash;two months ago."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, pa, I forgot to tell you," said Miss Tapehorn,
+"that our Patrick, one morning last Spring, was digging in
+the garden there, and he turned up some things that looked
+just like sweet potatoes; mother and I looked at them, and
+thought they were potatoes those Mackintoshes had left
+undug when they moved away last winter!"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you-a&mdash;" gasped Tapehorn.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, pa, ma and I had them all dug up and cooked,
+and they were the meanest tasting things we ever knew, and
+we gave them all to the pigs!"</p>
+
+<p>Tapehorn looked like a man in the last stages of disgust,
+and jamming his fists down into his pockets, he walked into
+the house, muttering:</p>
+
+<p>"Tut, tut, tut!&mdash;thirty-two dollars and the finest lot of
+dahlias in the world&mdash;<i>gone to the pigs!</i>"</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="at_the_Tremont" id="at_the_Tremont"></a>The Two Johns at the Tremont.</h2>
+
+
+<p>It is somewhat curious that more embarrassments, and
+queer <i>contre temps</i> do not take place in the routine of
+human affairs, when we find so <i>many</i> persons floating about
+of one and the same name. It must be shocking to be
+named John Brown, troublesome to be called John Thompson,
+but who can begin to conceive the horrors of that
+man's situation, who has at the baptismal font received the
+title of <i>John Smith</i>?</p>
+
+<p>Now it only wants a slight accident, the most trivial occurrence
+of fate&mdash;the meeting of two or three persons of
+the same name, or of great similarity of name, to create the
+most singular and even ludicrous circumstances and tableaux.
+One of these affairs came off at the Tremont
+House, some time since. One Thomas Johns, a blue-nose
+Nova-Scotian&mdash;a man of "some pumpkins" and "persimmons"
+at home, doubtless, put up for a few days at the
+Tremont, and about the same time one John Thomas, a
+genuine son of John Bull, just over in one of the steamers,
+took up his quarters at the same respectable and worthy establishment.</p>
+
+<p>Thomas Johns was a linen draper, sold silks, satinets,
+linen, and dimities, at his establishment in the Provinces,
+and was also a politician, and "went on" for the part of
+magistrate, occasionally. John Thomas was a retired wine-merchant,
+and, having netted a bulky fortune, he took it
+into his head to <i>travel</i>, and as naturally as he despised, and
+as contemptuously as he looked upon this poor, wild, unsophisticated
+country of ours, he nevertheless condescended
+to come and look at us.</p>
+
+<p>Well, there they were, Thomas Johns, and John Thomas;
+one was "roomed" in the north wing, the other in the
+south wing. Thomas Johns went out and began reconnoitering
+among the Yankee shop-keepers. John Thomas,
+having a fortnight's pair of sea legs on, and full of bile and
+beer, laid up at his lodgings, and passed the first three
+days in "hazing around" the servants, and blaspheming
+American manners and customs.</p>
+
+<p>Old John was quietly snoring off his bottle after a sumptuous
+Tremont dinner, when a repeated rap, rap, rap at his
+door aroused him.</p>
+
+<p>"What are you&mdash;at?" growls John.</p>
+
+<p>"It's ma, zur?" says one of the Milesian servants.</p>
+
+<p>"Blast yer hies, what want yer?" again growls John.</p>
+
+<p>"If ye plaze, zur, there's a young man below wishes to
+see you," says the servant.</p>
+
+<p>"Ha, tell 'im to clear out!" John having predestinated
+the "young man," he gave an apoplectic snort, relapsed
+into his lethargy, and the servant whirled down into the
+rotunda, and informed the "young man" what the gentleman desired.</p>
+
+<p>"He did, eh?" says the young man, who looked as if he
+might be a clerk in an importing house. The young man
+left, in something of a high dudgeon.</p>
+
+<p>"What'r yer at now?" roared John Thomas, a second
+time, roused by the servant's rat-tat-too.</p>
+
+<p>"It's a gentleman wants to see yez's, zur."</p>
+
+<p>"Tell him to go to the d&mdash;!" and John snored again.</p>
+
+<p>"Is John in?" asks the gentleman, as the servant returns.</p>
+
+<p>"Mister <i>Thomas</i> did yez mane, zur?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, yes, it is (looking at his tablets) same thing, I suppose;
+Thomas Johns," says the gentleman.</p>
+
+<p>"I belave it's right, zur," says the servant.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, what did he say?"</p>
+
+<p>"Faith, I think he's not in a good humor, betwane us,
+zur; he says yez may go to the divil!"</p>
+
+<p>"Did he? Well, that's polite, any how&mdash;invite a gentleman
+to dine with him, and then meet him with such language
+as that. The infernal 'blue nose,' I'll pull it, I'll
+tweak it until he'll roar like a calf!" and off went "the
+gentleman," hot as No. 6.</p>
+
+<p>"I belave he's not in, zur," says the same servant, answering
+another inquiry for John Thomas, or Thomas
+Johns, the carriage driver was not certain which.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, ho!" says the servant, "it's a ride ould John's going
+fur to take till himself, and didn't want any callers."
+Reaching John's door, he began his tattoo.</p>
+
+<p>"Be hang'd to ye, what'r ye at now?" growls John,
+partly up and dressed.</p>
+
+<p>"The carriage is here, zur."</p>
+
+<p>"What carriage is that?" growls John, continuing his toilet.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know, zur; I'll go down and sae the <i>number</i>, if
+ye plaze."</p>
+
+<p>"Thunder and tommy! What do I care for the number?
+Go tell the carriage&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"To go to the divil, zur?" says the servant, in anticipation
+of the command.</p>
+
+<p>"No, you bog-trotter, go tell the carriage to wait."</p>
+
+<p>The servant went down, and John continued his toilet, muttering&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, some of their <i>haccommodations</i>, I expect; these
+American landlords, as they style 'em in these infernal wild
+woods 'ere, do manage to give a body tolerable sort of haccommodations;
+ha, but they'll take care to look hout for
+the dollars. I don't know, tho', these fellers 'ere appear tolerably
+clever; want me to ride hout, I suppose, and see some
+of their Yankee lions. Haw! haw! <i>Lions!</i> I wonder what
+they'd say hif they saw Lun'un, and looked at St. Paul's once!"</p>
+
+<p>Getting through his toilet&mdash;and it takes an Englishman
+as long to fix his stiff cravat and that <i>stiffer</i> and stauncher
+shirt-collar, and rub his hat, than a Frenchman to rig out
+<i>tout ensemble</i>, to say nothing of the gallons of water and
+dozens of towels he uses up in the operation&mdash;John found
+the carriage waiting; he asked no questions, but jumped in.</p>
+
+<p>"Isn't there some others beside yourself going out, sir?"
+says the driver, supposing he had the right man, or one of them.</p>
+
+<p>"No; drive off&mdash;where are you going to drive me?"</p>
+
+<p>"Mount Auburn, sir, the carriage was ordered for."</p>
+
+<p>"Humph! Some of the <i>battle-grounds</i>, I suppose," John
+grunts to himself, falls into a fit of English doggedness, and
+the coach drives off.</p>
+
+<p>Thomas Johns made little or no noise or confusion in the
+house, consequently he was not known to the servants, and
+very little known to the clerks. John Thomas was another
+person&mdash;he was all fuss and feathers. He kept his bell
+ringing, and the servants rushing for towels and water,
+water and towels, boots and beer, beer and boots, the English
+papers, maps of America, &amp;c., without cessation. He
+was John Thomas and Thomas Johns, one and indivisible.</p>
+
+<p>John got his ride, and returned to the hotel sulkier than
+ever; and by the time he got unrobed of his pea-jackets
+and huge shawls about his burly neck, he was telegraphed
+by a servant to come down; there was a gentleman below
+on business with him. John foreswore business, but the
+gentleman must see him, and up he came for that purpose.
+His unmistakable <i>mug</i> told he was "an officer."</p>
+
+<p>"I've a bill against you, sir, $368,20. Must be paid immediately!"
+said the presenter, peremptorily.</p>
+
+<p>John was thunderstruck.</p>
+
+<p>"Me, and be hanged to ye!" says John, getting his breath.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir, for goods packed at Smith &amp; Brown's, for
+Nova Scotia. The bill was to be paid this morning, as
+you agreed, but you told the clerk to go to the d&mdash;l! Won't
+do, that sort of work, here. Pay the bill, or you must go with me!"</p>
+
+<p>John, when he found himself in custody, swore it was
+some infernal Yankee scheme to gouge him, and he started
+for the clerk's office, below, to have some explanation. As
+John and the officer reached the rotunda, a gentleman steps
+up behind John, and gives his nose a first-rate <i>lug</i>. They
+clinched, the bystanders and servants interposed, and John
+and his assailant were parted, and by this time the nose
+puller discovered he had the wrong man by the nose!</p>
+
+<p>"Is your name Thomas Johns?" says the nose puller.</p>
+
+<p>"Blast you, no!"</p>
+
+<p>"Who pays this bill for the carriage, if your name ain't
+Johns?" says a man with a bill for the carriage hire.</p>
+
+<p>"I allers heard as ow you Yan-gees were inquisitive,
+and sharp after the dollars, and I'm 'anged if you ain't awful.
+My name's John Thomas, from Lun'un, bound back again
+in the next steamer. Now who's got any thing against <i>me</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>Thomas Johns came in at this climax, an explanation
+ensued, John was relieved of his embarrassment, and all
+were finally satisfied, except John Thomas, who, venting a
+few bottles of his spleen on every body and all things&mdash;Americans
+especially&mdash;took to his bed and beer, and snorted for a week.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="a_Boarding_School" id="a_Boarding_School"></a>The Yankee in a Boarding School.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Well, squire, as I wer' tellin' on ye, when I went
+around pedlin' notions, I met many queer folks;
+some on 'em so darn'd preoud and sassy, they wouldn't let
+a feller look at 'em; a-n-d 'd shut their doors and gates,
+<i>bang</i> into a feller's face, jest as ef a Yankee pedler was a
+pizen sarpint! Then there waa-s t'other kind o' human
+critters, so pesky poor, or 'nation stingy, they'd pinch a
+fourpence till it'd squeal like a stuck pig. Ye-e-s, I do
+<i>swow</i>, I've met some critters so dog-ratted mean, that ef
+you had sot a steel trap onder their beds, a-n-d baited it
+with three cents, yeou'd a cotch ther con-feoun-ded souls
+afore mornin'!"</p>
+
+<p>"Massy sakes!" responded the squire.</p>
+
+<p>"Fact! by ginger!" echoed the ex-pedler.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, go on, Ab," said the squire, giving his pipe
+another 'charge,' and lighting up for the yarn Absalom
+Slamm had promised the gals, soon as the quilt was out
+and refreshments were handed around.</p>
+
+<p>"Go on, Ab&mdash;let's hear abeout that scrape yeou had with
+the school marm and her gals."</p>
+
+<p>"Wall, I <i>will</i>, squire; gals, spread yeourselves areound
+and squat; take care o' yeour corset strings, and keep
+deth-ly still. Wall; neow, yeou all sot? Hain't none o'
+ye been in the pedlin' business, I guess; wall, no matter,
+tho' it's dread-ful pleasant sometimes: then again at
+others, 'taint."</p>
+
+<p>"Go on, Ab, go on," said the squire.</p>
+
+<p>"Ye-e-s; wall, as I was saying, 'beout tradin', none o'
+yeou ever been in the tradin' way? Wall, it deon't matter
+a cent; as I was agoin' to say, I had hard, hard luck one
+season&mdash;got clean busted all tew smash! O-o-o! it was
+<i>dre-a-a-dful times</i>; jest abeout the time Gineral Jackson
+clapped his <i>we-toe</i> on the hull o' the banks, kersock. Wall,
+yeou see, I got broke all tew flinders. My ole hoss died,
+the sun and rain beat up my wagon, I sold eout my
+notions tew a feller that paid me all in ceounter-fit money,
+and then he dug eout, as Parson Dodge says, to undiskivered kedn'try.</p>
+
+<p>"There was only one way abeout it; I was beound to
+dew somethin', instead o' goin' to set deown and blubber;
+and as I layed stretched eout in bed one Sunday morning,
+in Marm Smith's tavern, in the cockloft among the old
+stuff, I spies a darn'd ole consarn that took my fancy immazin'!
+As Deb Brown said, when she 'sperienced rele-gen,
+I felt my sperrets raisin' me clean eout o' bed, and eout I
+beounced, like a pea in a hot skillet. Deown I goes to
+Marm Smith; the ole lady was dressed up to death in her
+Sunday-go-to-meetin's, and jest as preoud and sassy as her
+darn'd ole skin ceould heould in.</p>
+
+<p>"'Marm Smith,' sez I, 'yeou hain't got no ole stuff yeou
+deon't want tew sell nor nuthin', dew ye?'</p>
+
+<p>"'<i>Ab Slamm</i>,' sez she, plantin' her thumbs on her hip
+joints, and as the milishey officer ses on trainin' day, comin'
+at me, 'right face,' she spread herself like a clapboard.
+'Ab Slamm,' sez she, 'what on airth possesses yeou to talk
+o' tradin' on the Sabbath?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Wall,' sez I, 'Marm Smith, yeou needn't take on so
+'beout it; I guess a feller kin ax a question witheout tradin'
+or breakin' the Sabbath all tew smash, either! Neow,'
+says I, 'yeou got some ole plunder up ther in the cockloft,
+where yeou stuck me to sleep; 'tain't much use to yeou, and
+one article I see I want to trade fur.'</p>
+
+<p>"Wall, we didn't trade <i>'zactly</i>. Marm Smith, yeou see,
+got dre-e-e-adful relejus 'beout that time&mdash;wouldn't let her
+gals draw ther breth scacely, and shot her roosters all up
+in the cellar every Sunday. Fact, by ginger! Wall, yeou
+see, Marm Smith were agin tradin' on Sunday, but she sed
+I might arrange it with Ben, her barkeeper, and so I got
+the instrument, <i>any heow</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"What was it, Ab?" inquired the squire.</p>
+
+<p>"Massy sakes, tell us!" says the gals.</p>
+
+<p>"I sha'n't dew it, till I tell the hull abeout it," Ab replied,
+rather choosing, like Captain Cuttle, to break the
+gist of his information into small chunks, and so make it
+the more <i>telling</i> and comparatively interesting.</p>
+
+<p>"When I got the <i>instrument</i>, and paid Marm Smith my
+board bill, I wer in possession of a cash capital of jest three
+fo'pences. I took my jack-knife, and unjinted the instrument,
+cleaned it off, then wrapped the different sections up
+in a paper, put the hull in my little yaller trunk, and dug
+eout. When I got clean eout o' sight and hearin' of everybody
+I'd ever hear'n tell on, I stopped r-i-g-h-t in my track.
+My cash capital wer gone, my mortal remains were holler as
+a flute, and my old trunk had worn a hole clean through
+the shoulder o' my best Sunday coat. I put up, and sez I
+tew the landlord:</p>
+
+<p>"'Squire, what sort o' place is this for a sheow?'</p>
+
+<p>"'For a sh-e-ow?' sez he.</p>
+
+<p>"'Ye-e-e-s,' sez I.</p>
+
+<p>"'What a' yeou got to sh-e-o-w?' sez he.</p>
+
+<p>"'The most wonderful instrument ever inwent-'d,' sez I.</p>
+
+<p>"'What's 't fur?' sez he.</p>
+
+<p>"'For the wimen,' sez I.</p>
+
+<p>"'O! sez he, lookin' alfired peart and smeart, as tho'
+he'd seen a flock o' l'fants; 'quack doctor, I s'pose, eh?'</p>
+
+<p>"'No, I ben't a quack doctor, nuther,' sez I, priming
+up at the insin-i-wa-tion.</p>
+
+<p>"'Wall, what on airth hev yeou got, <i>any heow</i>?' sez he.</p>
+
+<p>"When he 'poligized in that sort o' way, in course I up
+and told him the full perticklers 'beout a wonderful <i>instrument</i>
+I had for the ladies and wimen folks. A-n-d heow I
+wanted to sheow it before some o' the female sim-i-nar-ries,
+and give a lectoor on't.</p>
+
+<p>"'By bunker!' sez he, 'then yeou've cum jest teou the
+spot; three miles up the road is the great <i>Jargon Institoot</i>,
+'spressly for young ladies, wher they teach 'em the 'rethmetic,
+French scollopin', and High-tall-ion curlycues;
+dancin', tight-lacin', hair-dressin', and so forth, with the
+use of curlin' irons, forty pinanners, and parfumeries
+chuck'd in.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Yeou deon't <i>say</i> so?' sez I.</p>
+
+<p>"'Yes, I doos,' sez he; and then yeou had orter seen
+me make streaks fur the Jargon Institoot.</p>
+
+<p>"I feound the place, knocked on the door, and a feller
+all starch'd up, lookin' cruel nice, kem and opened the
+door. I axed if the marm were in. Then he wanted tew
+kneow which of 'em I wanted tew see. 'The head marm
+of the Institoot,' sez I. 'Please to give me yeour keard,'
+sez he. 'You be darn'd,' sez I; 'I'd have yeou know,
+mister,' sez I, 'I don't deal in <i>keards</i>&mdash;never did, nuther!'</p>
+
+<p>"The feller show'd a heap o' ivory, and brought deown
+the head marm. It weould a' dun Marm Smith's ole
+heart good to seen this dre-e-a-d-ful pius critter. She looked
+mighty nice, a-n-d she scolloped reound, and beow'd and
+cut an orful quantity o' capers, when I ondid my business
+to her. I went on and told her heow in course o' travel&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"'In furrin pearts?' sez she.</p>
+
+<p>"'Yes,' sez I&mdash;'I kim across a great instrument,' sez I.
+'It was well known to the wimen and ladies o' the past
+gin-i-rations,' sez I.</p>
+
+<p>"'The an-shants?' sez she.</p>
+
+<p>"'Yes, marm,' sez I. Then she axed me wether it wer
+a wind instrer-ment or a stringed instrer-ment. A-n-d I
+told her it wer a stringed instrer-ment, but went on the
+hurdy-gurdy pren-cipl', with a crank or treddle. But what
+I moost dwelt on, as the ox-ion-eer sez, were the great
+combinations of the instrer-ment, a-n-d I piled it up dre-e-e-adful!
+I told the marm I wanted to git the thing patented,
+and put before the people&mdash;the wimen and ladies in per-tick'ler&mdash;so
+that every gal in the univarsal world could
+play upon it&mdash;exercise her hands, strengthen her arms
+and chist, give her form a nater-al de-welop-ment, and
+so make the hull grist o' wimen critters useful, as
+well as or-namental, as my instrer-ment was a useful
+necessity; for while it lent grace and beauty to the
+female form, and gin forth fust rate music, it was par-fect-ly
+scriptooral; it ceould be made to clothe the naked and feed
+the hon-gry. My il-o-quince had the marm. She 'greed
+to buy one of my machines <i>straight</i> fur use of her <i>Institoot</i>&mdash;each
+school-gal to 'put in' by next day, when I wer to
+bring the instrer-ment, get my $40, and deliver a lectoor on
+it. Next mornin', bright and early, I wer there; the <i>puss</i>
+wer made up, and the gals nigh abeout bilin' over with
+curiosity to see my wonderful <i>hand-limberer, arm-strengthener,
+chist-expander, female-beautifier, and univarsal
+musical machine!</i> When they all got assembled, I ondid
+the machine; they wer still as death! When I sot it up,
+they wer breathless with wonderment; when I started it,
+they gin a gineral screech of delight. Then I sot deown
+and played 'em <i>old hund'erd</i>, and every gal in the room
+vowed right eout she'd have one made <i>straight!</i> O-o-o!
+yeou'd a died to seen the excitement that instrer-ment made
+in Jargon Institoot. The head marm wanted my ortergraff,
+and each o' the gals a lock o' my hair. But just then,
+a confeounded ole woolly-headed Virginny nigger wench,
+cook o' the Jargon Institoot, kem in, and the moment she
+clapped her ole eyes on my inwention, she roared reight
+eout, 'O! de <i>Lud</i>, ef dar ain't one de ole Virginny <i>spinnin'
+wheels!</i>' I kinder had bus'ness somewheres else 'beout
+that time! I took with a leaving!"</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="State_of_Excitement" id="State_of_Excitement"></a>A Dreadful State of Excitement.</h2>
+
+
+<p>A retrospective view of some ten or fifteen years,
+brings up a wonderful "heap of notions," which at their
+birth made quite a different sensation from that which their
+"bare remembrance" would seem to sanction now. The statement
+made in a "morning paper" before us, of a fine horse
+being actually scared stone and instantaneously dead, by a
+roaring and hissing locomotive, brings to mind "a circumstance,"
+which though it did not exactly <i>do our knitting</i>, it
+came precious near the climax!</p>
+
+<p>Some years ago, upon what was then considered the
+"frontier" of Missouri, we chanced to be laid up with a
+"game leg," in consequence of a performance of a bullet-headed
+mule that we were endeavoring to coerce at the end
+of a corn stalk, for his "intervention" in a fodder stack to
+which he could lay no legitimate claim. About two miles
+from our "lodgings" was a store, a "grocery," shotecary
+pop, boots, hats, gridirons, whiskey, powder and shot, &amp;c.,
+&amp;c., and the post office. About three times a week, we
+used to hobble down to this modern ark, to read the news,
+see what was going on down in the world, and&mdash;pass a few
+hours with the proprietor of the store, who chanced to
+be a man with whom we had had a former acquaintance "in
+other climes." Well, one day, we dropped down to the
+store, and found pretty much all the men folks&mdash;and they
+were not numerous around there, the houses or cabins being
+rather scattering&mdash;getting ready to go down the river
+(Missouri) some ten miles, to see a notorious desperado
+"stretch hemp." My friend Captain V&mdash;&mdash;, the storekeeper,
+was about to go along too, and proposed that we
+should mount and accompany him, or&mdash;stay and tend store.
+We accepted the latter proposition, as we were in no travelling
+kelter, and had no taste for performances on the
+tight rope. Having officiated for Captain V&mdash;&mdash; on several
+former occasions, we had the run of his "grocery" and
+<i>postal</i> arrangements quite fluent enough to take charge of
+all the trade likely to turn up that day; so the captain and
+his friends started, promising a return before sunset.</p>
+
+<p>One individual, living some seven miles up the road, called
+for his newspaper, and got his jug filled, spent a couple of
+hours with us&mdash;put out, and was succeeded by two squalid
+Indians, with some skins to trade for corn juice and tobacco;
+they cleared out, and about two or three P. M., some
+<i>movers</i> came along; we had a little dicker with them, and
+that closed up the business accounts of the day.</p>
+
+<p>Having discussed all the availables, from the contents of
+the post office&mdash;seven newspapers and four letters per quarter!&mdash;to
+the crackers and cheese, and business being essentially
+stagnated, we ups and lies down upon the top of the
+counter, to take a nap. Captain V&mdash;&mdash;'s store was a log
+building, about 15 by 30, and stood near the edge of the
+woods, and at least half a mile from any habitation, except
+the schoolhouse and blacksmith's shop, two small huts, and
+at that time&mdash;"in coventry." Captain V&mdash;&mdash; was a bachelor;
+he boarded&mdash;that is, he took his meals at the nearest
+house&mdash;half a mile back from the wood, and slept in his
+store. We soon fell into the soft soothing arms of Morpheus,
+and&mdash;slept. It was fine mild weather&mdash;September,
+and, of course, the door was wide open. How long we
+slept we were not at all conscious, but were aroused by a
+heavy hand that gave us a hearty shake by the shoulder,
+and in a rather sepulchral voice says&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"How are you?"</p>
+
+<p>Gods! we were up quick, for our sleep had been visited
+by dreams of southwest tragedies, hanging scrapes, and
+other nightmare affairs, and as we opened our eyes and
+caught a glimpse of the double-fisted, cadaverous fellow
+standing over us, a strong inclination to go off into a cold
+sweat seized us! Lo! it was after sunset! Almost dark
+in the store, the stars had already began to twinkle in the sky.</p>
+
+<p>Captain V&mdash;&mdash; did a considerable trade at his store, and
+at times had considerable sums of money laying around.
+Upon leaving in the morning, he notified us, in case we
+should require <i>change</i>, to look into the desk, where he kept
+a shot bag of silver coin, and&mdash;his pistols.</p>
+
+<p>"<ins title="Ho">How</ins> are you?" the words and manner and looks of the
+man gave us a cold chill.</p>
+
+<p>"How do you do?" we managed to respond, at the same
+time sliding down behind the counter. The stranger had
+a heavy walking stick in his hand, and a knapsack looking
+bundle swung to his shoulder. He looked like the rough
+remnants of an ill-spent life; had evidently travelled
+somewhere where barbers, washer-women and such like
+civilian delicacies, were more matters of tradition than fact.</p>
+
+<p>"Been asleep, eh?" he carelessly continued.</p>
+
+<p>"It appears so," said we, feeling no better or more satisfactory
+in our mind, and no reason to, for night was
+now closing in, and we were going through our performances
+by the slight illumination of the stars, without any
+positive certainty as to where the Captain kept his tinder
+box and candle, that we might furnish some sort of light
+upon the lugubrious state of affairs.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you keep this store?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, we do not," we answered, watching the man as he
+put his bundle down upon the counter.</p>
+
+<p>"Who does?" was the next question.</p>
+
+<p>"The gentleman who keeps it," we replied, "is away to-day."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, gone to see a poor human being put out of the world, eh?"</p>
+
+<p>We said "yes," or something of the kind, and thought
+to ourself, no doubt you know all that's going on of that
+sort of business like a book, and a host of other ideas
+flashed across our mind, while all the evil deeds of note
+transacted in that region for the past ten years, seemed
+awakened in our mind's eye, working up our nervous system,
+until the coon skin cap upon our excited head stood
+upon about fifteen hairs, with the strange and overwhelming
+impression that our time had come! We would have
+given the State of Missouri&mdash;if it were in our possession,
+to have heard Captain V&mdash;&mdash;'s voice, or even have had a fair
+chance to dash out at the door, and give the fellow before
+us a specimen of tall walking&mdash;lame as we were!</p>
+
+<p>"Ain't you got a <i>light</i>? I'd think you'd be a little timid
+(a <i>little</i> timid!) about laying around here, alone, in the dark,
+too?" said the fellow, sticking one hand into his coat
+pocket, and gazing sharply around the store. Mock heroically
+says we&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Afraid? Afraid of what?" our valor, like Bob Acres',
+oozing out at our fingers.</p>
+
+<p>"These outlaws you've got around here," said he.
+"They say the man they hanged to-day was a decent fellow
+to what some are, who prowl around in this country!"</p>
+
+<p>We very modestly said, "that such fellows never bothered us."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you sleep in this store&mdash;live here?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, sir, we don't," was our answer.</p>
+
+<p>"Where do you lodge and get your eating?"</p>
+
+<p>"First house up the road."</p>
+
+<p>"How far is it?" says he.</p>
+
+<p>"Half a mile or less."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, close up your shop, and come along with me!"
+says the fellow.</p>
+
+<p>Now we were coming to the <i>tableaux!</i> He wanted us
+to step outside in order that the business could be done for
+us, with more haste and certainty, and we really felt as good
+as assassinated and hid in the bushes! It was quite astonishing
+how our visual organs intensified! We could see
+every wrinkle and line in the fellow's face, could almost
+count the stitches in his coat, and the more we looked, and
+the keener and more searching became our observation, the
+more atrocious and subtle became the fellow and his purpose.
+With a firmness that astonished ourself, we said&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>No, Sir</i>; if <i>you</i> have business there or elsewhere, you
+had better <i>go!</i>" and with this determined speech, we walked
+up to the desk, and with the air of a "man of business" or
+the nonchalance of a hero, says we&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"What are you after&mdash;have you any business with <i>us</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>"You're kind of crusty, Mister," says he. "I'm canvassing
+this State,&mdash;<i>wouldn't you like to subscribe for a
+first-rate map of Missouri</i>, <span class="smcap">or a new Edition of Josephus</span>?"</p>
+
+<p>We felt too mean all over to "subscribe," but we found
+a light, and soon found in the stranger one of the best sort
+of fellows, a man of information and morality, and, though
+he had <i>looked</i> dangerous, he turned out harmless as a lamb,
+and we got intimate as brothers before Captain V&mdash;&mdash;
+returned that night.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Ralph_Waldo_Emerson" id="Ralph_Waldo_Emerson"></a>Ralph Waldo Emerson.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Of all the public lecturers of our time and place, none
+have attracted more attention from the press, and
+consequently the people, than <span class="smcap">Ralph Waldo Emerson</span>.</p>
+
+<p>Lecturing has become quite a fashionable science&mdash;and
+now, instead of using the old style phrases for illustrating
+facts, we call travelling preachers perambulating showmen,
+and floating politicians, <i>lecturers</i>.</p>
+
+<p>As a lecturer, Ralph Waldo Emerson is extensively
+known around these parts; but whether his lectures come
+under the head of law, logic, politics, Scripture, or the
+show business, is a matter of much speculation; for our
+own part, the more we read or hear of Ralph, the more we
+don't know what it's all about.</p>
+
+<p>Somebody has said, that to his singularity of style or
+expression, Carlyle and his works owe their great notoriety
+or fame&mdash;and many compare Ralph Waldo to old Carlyle.
+They cannot trace exactly any great affinity between
+these two great geniuses of the flash literary school. Carlyle
+writes vigorously, quaintly enough, but almost always
+speaks when he says something; on the contrary, our
+flighty friend Ralph speaks vigorously, yet says nothing!
+Of all men that have ever stood and delivered in presence
+of "a reporter," none surely ever led these indefatigable
+knights of the pen such a wild-goose chase over the verdant
+and flowery pastures of King's English, as Ralph
+Waldo Emerson. In ordinary cases, a reporter well versed
+in his art, catches a sentence of a speaker, and goes on to
+fill it out upon the most correct impression of what was
+intended, or what is implied. But no such license
+follows the outpourings of Mr. Emerson; no thought can
+fathom his intentions, and quite as bottomless are even his
+finished sentences. We have known "old stagers," in the
+newspaporial line, veteran reporters, so dumbfounded and
+confounded by the first fire of Ralph, and his grand and
+lofty acrobating in elocution, that they up, seized their hat
+and paper, and sloped, horrified at the prospect of an attempt
+to "take down" Mr. Emerson.</p>
+
+<p>If Roaring Ralph touches a homely mullen weed, on a
+donkey heath, straightway he makes it a full-blown rose, in
+the land of Ophir, shedding an odor balmy as the gales of
+Arabia; while with a facility the wonderful London auctioneer
+Robbins might envy, Ralph imparts to a lime-box,
+or pig-sty, a negro hovel, or an Irish shanty, all the romance,
+artistic elegance and finish of a first-class manor-house,
+or Swiss cottage, inlaid with alabaster and fresco,
+surrounded by elfin bowers, grand walks, bee hives, and honeysuckles.</p>
+
+<p>Ralph don't group his metaphorical beauties, or dainties
+of Webster, Walker, &amp;c., but rushes them out in torrents&mdash;rattles
+them down in cataracts and avalanches&mdash;bewildering,
+astounding, and incomprehensible. He hits you
+upon the left lug of your <ins title="knowlege">knowledge</ins> box with a metaphor so
+unwieldy and original, that your breath is soon gone&mdash;and
+before it is recovered, he gives you another <i>rhapsody</i> on
+t'other side, and as you try to steady yourself, <i>bim</i> comes
+another, heavier than the first two, while a fourth batch of
+this sort of elocution fetches you a bang over the eyes, giving
+you a vertigo in the ribs of your bewildered senses, and
+before you can say "God bless us!" down he has you&mdash;<i>cobim!</i>
+with a deluge of high-heeled grammar and three-storied
+Anglo Saxon, settling your hash, and brings you to
+the ground by the run, as though you were struck by lightning,
+or in the way of a 36-pounder! Ralph Waldo is
+death and an entire <i>stud</i> of pale horses on flowery expressions
+and japonica-domish flubdubs. He revels in all those
+knock-kneed, antique, or crooked and twisted words we used
+all of us to puzzle our brains over in the days of our youth,
+and grammar lessons and rhetoric exercises. He has a
+penchant as strong as cheap boarding-house butter, for mystification,
+and a free delivery of hard words, perfectly and
+unequivocally wonderful. We listened one long hour by
+the clock of Rumford Hall, one night, to an outpouring of
+<i>argumentum ad hominem</i> of Mr. Emerson's&mdash;at what? A
+boy under an apple tree! If ten persons out of the five
+hundred present were put upon their oaths, they could no
+more have deciphered, or translated Mr. Ralph's argumentation,
+than they could the hieroglyphics upon the walls of
+Thebes, or the sarcophagus of old King Pharaoh! When
+Ralph Waldo opens, he may be as calm as a May morn&mdash;he
+may talk for five minutes, like a book&mdash;we mean a common-sensed,
+understandable book; but all of a sudden the
+fluid will strike him&mdash;up he goes&mdash;down he fetches them.
+He throws a double somerset backwards over Asia Minor&mdash;flip-flaps
+in Greece&mdash;wings Turkey&mdash;and <i>skeets</i> over Iceland;
+here he slips up with a flower garden&mdash;a torrent of
+gilt-edged metaphors, that would last a country parson's
+moderate demand a long lifetime, are whirled with the fury
+and fleetness of Jove's thunderbolts. After exhausting his
+sweet-scented receiver of this floral elocution, he pauses
+four seconds; pointing to vacuum, over the heads of his audience,
+he asks, in an anxious tone, "Do you see that?"
+Of course the audience are not expected to be so unmannerly
+as to ask "What?" If they were, Ralph would not
+give them time to "go in," for after asking them if they see
+<i>that</i>, he continues&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"There! Mark! Note! It is a malaria prism! Now,
+then; here&mdash;there; see it! Note it! Watch it!"</p>
+
+<p>During this time, half of the audience, especially the old
+women and the children, look around, fearful of the ceiling
+falling in, or big bugs lighting on them. But the pause is
+for a moment, and anxiety ceases when they learn it was
+only a false alarm, only&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Egotism! The lame, the pestiferous exhalation or concrete
+malformation of society!"</p>
+
+<p>You breathe freer, and Ralph goes in, gloves on.</p>
+
+<p>"Egotism! A metaphysical, calcareous, oleraceous
+amentum of&mdash;society! The mental varioloid of this sublunary
+hemisphere! One of its worst feelings or features
+is, the craving of sympathy. It even loves sickness, because
+actual pain engenders signs of sympathy. All cultivated
+men are infected more or less with this dropsy. But
+they are still the leaders. The life of a few men is the life of
+every place. In Boston you hear and see a few, so in New
+York; then you may as well die. Life is very narrow. Bring
+a few men together, and under the spell of one calm genius,
+what frank, sad confessions will be made! Culture is the
+suggestion from a few best thoughts that a man should not be
+a charlatan, but temper and subdue life. Culture redresses
+his balance, and puts him among his equals. It is a poor
+compliment always to talk with a man upon his <i>specialty</i>,
+as if he were a cheese-mite, and was therefore strong on
+Cheshire and Stilton. Culture takes the grocer out of his
+molasses and makes him genial. We pay a heavy price for
+those fancy goods, Fine Arts and Philosophy. No performance
+is worth loss of geniality. That unhappy man
+called of genius, is an unfortunate man. Nature always
+carries her point despite the means!"</p>
+
+<p>If that don't convince you of Ralph's high-heeled,
+knock-kneed logic, or <i>au fait</i> dexterity in concocting flap-doodle
+mixtures, you're ahead of ordinary intellect as far
+as this famed lecturer is in advance of gin and bitters, or
+opium discourses on&mdash;delirium tremens!</p>
+
+<p>In short, Ralph Waldo Emerson can wrap up a subject
+in more mystery and science of language than ever a
+defunct Egyptian received at the hands of the mummy manufacturers!
+In person, Mr. Ralph is rather a pleasing sort
+of man; in manners frank and agreeable; about forty
+years of age, and a native of Massachusetts. As a lawyer,
+he would have been the horror of jurors and judges; as a
+lecturer, he is, as near as possible, what we have described him.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Humbug" id="Humbug"></a>Humbug.</h2>
+
+
+<p>There is no end to the humbug in life. About half we
+say, and more than half we do, is tinged with humbug.
+"My Dear Sir," we say, when we address a letter to a fellow
+we have never seen, and if seen, perhaps don't care a
+continental cent for him; <i>dear</i> sir! what a humbug expression!
+"Good morning," (what a lie!) says one, as he
+meets another <i>one</i>, on a stormy and nasty day, "quite a
+disagreeable wet day!" What's the use of such a humbug
+expression as that? If it's a disagreeable and stormy day,
+every body finds it out, naturally. Full half of the people
+who appear solicitous about your <i>health</i>, display a gratuitous
+amount of humbug, for your pocket-book is more beloved
+than your health; and we have often wondered why
+matter-of-fact people don't out with it, when they meet, and
+say&mdash;"How's your pocket to-day? Sorry to hear you're
+out of <i>money!</i>" Or, instead of soft soap, when they meet,
+why not discard humbug, and say, "Sorry to see you&mdash;was
+blackguarding you all day!" instead of "Glad to see you&mdash;have
+been <i>thinking</i> of you to-day!" or, "I'm glad to see
+you've been elected Mayor of the city!" when in fact they
+mean, "Curse you, I wish you had been defeated!" Compliments
+<i>pass</i>, they say, when <i>gentlemen</i> meet, but, as there
+are so many counterfeit gentry around, now-a-days, you may
+bet high that half the <i>compliments</i> that <i>pass</i>
+are&mdash;<i>mere bogus!</i></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Hotel_Keeping" id="Hotel_Keeping"></a>Hotel Keeping.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Fortunes are made&mdash;very readily, it is said, in our
+large cities, by Hotel keeping. It does look money-making
+business to a great many people, who stop in a
+large hotel a day or two, and perhaps, after eating about
+two meals out of six&mdash;walking in quietly and walking out
+quietly&mdash;no fuss, no feathers, find themselves <i>taxed</i> four or
+five dollars!</p>
+
+<p>We have had occasion to know something of travel and
+travellers, hotels, hotel-keepers and their bills, and it <i>has</i>
+now and then entered our head that money was or could
+be made&mdash;in the hotel business. We <i>have</i> stopped in
+houses where we honestly concluded&mdash;we got our money's
+worth, and we have again had reason to believe ourselves
+grossly shaved, in a "first-class" hotel, at two dollars a
+day&mdash;all hurry-scurry, poked up in the cock-loft, mid bugs,
+dirt, heat and effluvia, very little better than a Dutch tavern
+in fly time.</p>
+
+<p>We did not fail to observe at the same time, that cool
+impudence and clamor had a most mollifying effect upon
+landlord and his <i>attaches</i>, the tinsel and mere electrotypes
+passing for real bullion, galvanized <i>hums</i> by their noise and
+pretensions faring fifty per cent. better for the same <i>price</i>&mdash;than
+the more republican, quiet and human wayfarer.</p>
+
+<p>Under such auspices, it is not at all wonderful that ourself
+and scores of others, paying two dollars and a half per
+diem, got what we could catch, while Kossuth, and a score
+of his followers, fared and were favored like princes of a
+monarchical realm&mdash;"though all <i>dead heads!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>Hotels now-a-days must be <i>showy</i>, abounding in tin foil,
+Dutch metal and gamboge, a thousand of the "modern
+improvements"&mdash;mere clap-trap, and as foreign to the solid
+comforts of solid people, as icebergs to Norwegians or
+"east winds" to the consumptive. Without the show, they
+would be quite deserted; men will pay for this <i>show</i>, must
+pay for it, and all this show costs money; Turkey carpets,
+life-size mirrors, ottomans and marble slabs, from dome to
+kitchen, <i>draw well</i>, and those who indulge in the dance,
+must pay the piper.</p>
+
+<p>The fact is, most people understand these things about
+as well as we do, and it but remains for us to give a daguerreotype
+of a <i>few customers</i> which landlords or their
+clerks and servants now and then meet. The conductor of
+one of our first-class houses, gives us such a truly piquant
+and matter-of-fact picture of <i>his</i> experience, that we <i>up</i>
+and copy it, believing, as we do, that the reader will see
+some information and amusement in the subject.</p>
+
+<p>A fussy fellow takes it into his head that he will go on a
+little tour, he pockets a few dollars and a clean dickey or
+two, and&mdash;comes to town. He's no green horn&mdash;O! no, he
+ain't, he has been around some&mdash;he has, and knows a thing
+or two, and something over. He is dumped out of the
+cars with hundreds of others, in the great depots, and is
+assailed by vociferous <i>whips</i> who, in quest of stray dimes,
+watch the incoming <i>trains</i> and shout and bawl&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Eh 'up! Tremont House!"</p>
+
+<p>"Up&mdash;<i>a!</i> American House&mdash;right away!"</p>
+
+<p>"Ha! <i>up!</i> Right off for the Revere!"</p>
+
+<p>"Here's the coach&mdash;already for the United States!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yee 'up! now we go, git in, best house in town, all
+ready for the Winthrop House!"</p>
+
+<p>"Eh 'up, <i>ha!</i> now we are off, for the Pavilion!"</p>
+
+<p>"Exchange Coffee House&mdash;dollar a day, four meals, no
+extra charge&mdash;right along this way, sir!"</p>
+
+<p>"Hoo-<i>ray</i>, this coach&mdash;take you right up, Exchange Hotel!"</p>
+
+<p>"Jump in, tickets for your baggage, sir, take you up&mdash;right
+off, best house in town, hot supper waitin'&mdash;way for
+the Adams House!"</p>
+
+<p>And so they yell and grab at you, and our fussy friend,
+having heard of the tall arrangements and great doings of
+the <i>American</i>, he hands himself over to the coachman, and
+with a load of others he is rolled over to that institution,
+in a jiffy. Our fussy friend is slightly "took down" at the
+idea of paying for the hauling up, having a notion that that
+was a part of the accommodation! However, he ain't a
+going to look small or verdant; so he pays the coachman,
+grabs his valise, and rushes into the long colonnaded office;
+and making his way to the <i>register</i>, slams down his baggage,
+and in a dignified, authoritative manner, says&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"A room!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir," responds the Colonel, or some of the clerks&mdash;who
+may be officiating.</p>
+
+<p>"Supper!" says Capt. Fussy, in the same tone of command.</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly, sir&mdash;please register your name, sir!"</p>
+
+<p>Captain Fussy off's gloves, seizes the pen, and down
+goes his autograph, Captain Fussy, Thumperstown, N. H.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, I want a hot steak!" says he.</p>
+
+<p>"You can have it, sir!" blandly replies the Colonel.</p>
+
+<p>"Hot chocolate," continues Fussy.</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly, sir!"</p>
+
+<p>"Eggs, poached, and a&mdash;hot roll!"</p>
+
+<p>"They'll be all ready, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"How soon?"</p>
+
+<p>"Five minutes, sir," says the Colonel, talking to a dozen
+at the same time.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, well&mdash;show me my room!" says Captain Fussy.</p>
+
+<p>The bells are ringing&mdash;servants running to and fro, like
+witches in a whirlwind; fifty different calls&mdash;tastes&mdash;orders
+and fancies, are being served, but Capt. Fussy is attended
+to, a servant seizes his valise and a taper, and in the most
+winning way, cries&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"This way, sir, <i>right along!</i>" With a measured tread and
+the air of a man who knew what it was all about, the Captain
+follows the <i>garcon</i> and mounts one flight of the broad
+stairs, and is about to ascend another, when it strikes him
+that he's not going up to the top of the house, nohow!</p>
+
+<p>"Where are you going to take me to&mdash;up into the garret?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! no, sir; your room's only 182; that's only on the
+third floor!"</p>
+
+<p>"Third floor!" cries Capt. Fussy, "take <i>me</i> up into the
+third story?"</p>
+
+<p>"Plenty of gentlemen on the fifth and sixth floors, sir,"
+says the servant, and he goes ahead, Capt. Fussy following, muttering&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Pooty doin's this, taking a <i>gentleman</i> up three of these
+cussed long stairs, to room 182! I'll see about this, I will;
+mus'n't come no gammon over me; I'm able to pay, and
+want the worth of my money!"</p>
+
+<p>The third floor is reached, and after a brief meandering
+along the halls, 182 is arrived at, the door thrown open and
+Capt. Fussy is ushered in; his first effort is to find fault with
+the carpets, furniture, bedding or something, but as he had
+never probably seen such a general arrangement for ease,
+comfort and convenience&mdash;he caved in and merely gave a
+deep-toned&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Ah.</i> Got better rooms than this, ain't you?"</p>
+
+<p>"There may be, sir, a few better rooms in the house, not
+many," said the servant.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you may go&mdash;but stop&mdash;how soon'll my supper
+be ready?"</p>
+
+<p>"There'll be a supper set at eight, another at nine, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, four minutes of eight," says Fussy, pulling out a
+"bull's eye" watch, with as much flourish as if it was a
+premium eighteen-<i>carat lever</i>. "Well, call me when you've
+got supper ready, do you hear?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir; but you'll hear the gong."</p>
+
+<p>"The gong&mdash;what's that? Ain't you got no bells?"</p>
+
+<p>"The gong is used, sir, instead of bells," says the servant.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Ah</i>, well, clear out&mdash;but say, I want a fire in here."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir; I'll send up a fireman."</p>
+
+<p>"A fireman? What do I want with <i>firemen</i>? Bring in
+some wood, and, stranger&mdash;start up&mdash;a hello! thunder and
+saw mills, what's all that racket about&mdash;house a-fire?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, <i>sir!</i>" says the grinning servant&mdash;"the <i>gong</i>&mdash;supper's
+on the table!"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Ah</i>, very well; go ahead; where's the room?"</p>
+
+<p>Conducted to the dining-room, Capt. Fussy's eyes stretch
+at the wholesale display of table-cloths, arm-chairs, "crockery"
+and cutlery, mirrors and white-aproned waiters. A
+seat is offered him, he dumps himself down, amazed but determined
+to look and act like one used to these affairs, from
+the hour of his birth!</p>
+
+<p>"I ordered hot steak, poached eggs&mdash;hain't you got 'em?"</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly, sir!" says the waiter, and the steak and eggs
+are at hand.</p>
+
+<p>"Coffee or tea, sir?" another servant inquires.</p>
+
+<p>"Coffee and tea! Humph, I ordered chocolate&mdash;hain't
+you got chocolate?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes, sir; there it is."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Ah</i>, umph!" and Fussy gazes around and turns his nose
+slightly up, at the whole concern, waiters, guests, table, steak,
+eggs, chocolate, and&mdash;even the tempting hot rolls&mdash;before him.</p>
+
+<p>Fussy calls for a glass of water, wants to know if there's
+fried oysters on the table; he finds there is not, and Fussy
+frowns and asks for a lobster salad, which the waiter informs
+him is never used at supper, in that hotel.</p>
+
+<p>Eventually, Capt. Fussy being <i>crammed</i>, after an hour's
+diligent feeding, fuss and feathers, retires, asks all sorts of
+questions about people and places, at the <i>office</i>; what time
+trains start and steamers come, omnibuses here and stages
+there, all of which he is politely answered, of course, and
+he finally goes to his room, rings his bell every ten minutes,
+for an hour, and then&mdash;goes to bed; next day puts the servants
+and clerks over another course, and on the third day&mdash;calls
+for his bill, finds but few extras charged, hands over
+a <i>five</i>, puts on his gloves, seizes his valise, looks savagely
+dignified and stalks out, big as two military officers in regimentals!</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Ah</i>," says Fussy, as he reaches the street, "<i>I</i> put 'em
+through&mdash;<i>I guess I got the worth of my money!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>We calculate he did!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="According_to_Gunter" id="According_to_Gunter"></a>"According to Gunter."</h2>
+
+
+<p>Old Gunter was going home t'other night with a very
+heavy "turkey on"&mdash;about a forty-four pounder. Gunter
+accused the pavements of being icy, and down he came&mdash;<i>kerchug!</i>
+A "young lady" coming along, fidgetting and
+finiking, she made a very sudden and opposite <i>ricochet</i>, on
+seeing Gunter feeling the ground, and making abortive
+attempts to "riz." Gunter's gallantry was "up;" he knew
+his own weakness, and saw the difficulty with the "young
+lady;" so making a very determinate effort to get on his
+pins, Gunter elevated his head and then his voice, and says
+he: "My de-dea-dear ma'm, do-do-don't pu-pu-put yourself
+out of th-th-the way, on my account!" Tableaux&mdash;"young
+lady" quick-step, and Gunter playing all-fours in
+the <i>mud!</i></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Quartering_upon_Friends" id="Quartering_upon_Friends"></a>Quartering upon Friends.</h2>
+
+
+<p>City-bred people have a pious horror of the country
+in winter, and no great regard for country visitors
+at any time, however much they may "let on" to the contrary.</p>
+
+<p>In rushing hot weather, when the bricks and mortar, the
+stagnated, oven-like air of the crowded city threatens to
+bake, parboil, or give the "citizens" the yellow fever, then
+we are very apt to think of plain Aunt Polly, rough-hewed
+Uncle John, and the bullet-headed, uncombed,
+smock-frocked cousins, nephews, and nieces, at their rural
+homes, amid the fragrant meadows and umbrageous woods;
+the cool, silver streams and murmuring brooks of the glorious
+country. Then, the poetic sunbeams and moonshine of
+fancy bring to the eye and heart all or a part of the glories
+and beauties, uses and purposes in which God has invested
+the ruraldom.</p>
+
+<p>Now, our country friends are mostly desirous, candidly
+so, to have their city friends come and see them&mdash;not
+merely pop visits, but bring your whole family, and stay a
+month! This they may do, and will do, and can afford it,
+as it is more convenient to one's pocket-book, on a farm,
+to <i>quarter</i> a platoon of your friends than to perform the
+same operation in the city, where it is apt to give your
+purse the tick-dollar-owe in no time.</p>
+
+<p>It was not long since, during the prevalence of a hot
+summer, that Mrs. Triangle one morning said to her stewing
+husband, who was in no wise troubled with a surplus of
+the circulating medium&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Triangle, it's on-possible for us to keep the children
+well and quiet through this dreadful hot weather. We
+must go into the country. The Joneses and Pigwigginses
+and Macwackinses, and&mdash;and&mdash;everybody has gone out into
+the country, and we must go, too; why can't we?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why can't we?" mechanically echoed Triangle, who
+just then was deeply absorbed in a problem as to whether
+or not, considering the prices of coal, potatoes, house-rents,
+leather, and "dry goods," he would fetch up in prison
+or the poor-house first! It was a momentous question,
+and to his wife's proposal of a fresh detail of domestic expense,
+Triangle responded&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Why can't we?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, that's what I'd like to know&mdash;why can't <i>we</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>"We <i>can't</i>, Mrs. Triangle," decidedly answered her lord
+and master.</p>
+
+<p>Now Mrs. T., being but a woman, very naturally went
+on to give Mr. T. a Caudle lecture half an hour long,
+winding up with one of those time-honored perquisites of
+the female sex&mdash;a good cry.</p>
+
+<p>Poor Triangle put on his hat and marched down to his
+bake-oven of an "office," to plan business and smoke his
+cigar. Triangle came home to tea, and saw at a glance
+that something must be done. Mrs. Triangle was to be
+"compromised," or far hotter than even the hot, hot weather
+would be his domicile for the balance of the season.
+Triangle thought it over, as he nibbled his toast and sipped
+his hot Souchong.</p>
+
+<p>"My dear," said he, pushing aside his cup, and tilting
+himself upon the "hind legs" of his chair&mdash;"business is
+very dull, the weather is intolerable, I know you and the
+children would be much benefitted by a trip into the country&mdash;why
+can't we go?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why can't we?&mdash;that's what I'd like to know!" was
+the ready response of Mrs. T.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, we can go. My friend Jingo has as fine a place
+in the country as ever was, anywhere; he has asked me
+again and again to come down in the summer, and bring
+all the family. Now we'll go; Jingo will be delighted
+to see us; and we'll have a good, pleasant time, I'll warrant."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Triangle was delighted; soon all the clouds of her
+temper were dispersed, and like people "cut out for each
+other," Triangle and his wife sat and planned the details
+of the tour to Jingo Hill Farm. Frederic Antonio Gustavus
+was to be rigged out in new boots, hat, and breeches.
+Maria Evangeline Roxana Matilda was to be fitted
+out in Polka boots, gipsey bonnet, and Bloomer pantalettes,
+with an entire invoice of handkerchiefs, scarfs, ribbons,
+gloves, and hosiery for "mother," little Georgiana
+Victorine Rosa Adelaide, and <i>the baby</i>, Henry Rinaldo
+Mercutio. After three days' onslaught upon poor Triangle's
+pockets, with any quantity of "fuss and feathers,"
+Mrs. Triangle pronounced the caravan ready to move. But
+just as all was ready, Bridget Durfy, the maid-of-all-work,
+who was to accompany them on the expedition as supervisor
+of the children, threw up her engagement.</p>
+
+<p>"Plaze the pigs," said Biddy; "it's mesilf as niver likes
+the counthry, at all; an' I'll jist be afther not goin', ma'm,
+wid yez!"</p>
+
+<p>Here was a go&mdash;or rather a "no go!" Triangle had
+bought tickets for all, and ordered the carriage at four;
+it was now three P. M., of a hot, roasting day. It would
+be "on-possible," as Mrs. T. said, to go without a girl; so
+poor, sweltering Triangle rushed down to the "Intelligence
+Office," where, from the sweating mass of female humanity
+awaiting a market for their time and labor, Triangle selected
+a stout, hearty Irish <i>blonde</i>, warranted perfect, capable,
+kind, honest, and the Lord only knows how many virtues
+the keeper of an "Intelligence Office" will not swear belong
+to one of their stock in trade.</p>
+
+<p>Away went Triangle, sweating and swearing; the Irish
+maiden, swinging a bundle in one hand and a flaring <i>bandanna</i>
+in the other, following after her patron with a duck-waddle;
+and finally the carriage came; all got in but Triangle,
+who started on foot to the depot, carrying his double-barrelled
+gun and leading an ugly dog, which he rejoiced
+in believing was a full-blooded <i>setter</i>, though the best posted
+dog-fanciers assured him it was a cross between a tan-yard
+cur and a sheep-stealer! But, after a world of motion and
+commotion&mdash;on the part of Triangle, about the dog, tickets
+and baggage, and Mrs. Triangle, about the children, satchels,
+her new gown, and the sleepy Irish girl&mdash;they found
+themselves whisked over the rails, and after some three
+hours' carriage, they were dumped down in the vicinity of
+Jingo Hall, where they found the "private conveyance"
+of the proprietor of Jingo Hill Farm waiting to carry
+them, bandbox and bundle, rag-tag and bobtail, to Jingo Hall.</p>
+
+<p>The carriage being overfull, Triangle concluded to walk
+up, stretch his legs, try his dog and gun, and have a pop
+at the game. But, alas, for the villanous dog; no sooner
+had he got loose and scampered off up the road, than he
+sees a flock of sheep some distance across the fields, and
+away he pitched. The sheep ran, he after the sheep; and
+poor Triangle after his dog.</p>
+
+<p>"Hay! you Ponto&mdash;here&mdash;hay&mdash;Ponto-o-o! Hey, boy,
+come here, you dog&mdash;hi! hi!&mdash;do you hear-r-r?"</p>
+
+<p>But Ponto was off, and after a run of half a mile, he
+came up with a lamb, and before Triangle could come to
+the rescue, Ponto had opened the campaign by killing
+sheep! Triangle was so put out about it that in wrath
+he up with his gun and was about to terminate the existence
+of the dog, but compromised the matter by hitting
+him a whack across the back with the barrels of his shooting-iron;
+in doing so, he broke off the stock, clean as a
+<a id='Pg_169' name='Pg_169'></a>
+whistle! It is useless to deny that Triangle <i>was</i> mad;
+that he swore equal to an Erie Canal boatman; and that
+his fury so alarmed the dog that he took to his heels and
+went&mdash;as Triangle hoped&mdash;anywhere, head foremost.</p>
+
+<p>With a face as long as a boot-jack, quite tuckered out
+and disgusted with things as far as he had got, Triangle
+reached Jingo Hall, where he met the warm welcome of
+his friend, Major Jingo, and soon recuperated his good
+humor and physical activity by the contents of the Major's
+"well-stocked" <i>wine-cellar</i>. Ashamed of the facts of the
+case, Triangle trumped up a cock-and-bull story about the
+dog and gun.</p>
+
+<p>After a season, the Triangles got settled away, and the
+first day or two passed without anything extraordinary
+turning up, if we may except the upturning of several
+flower-pots and hen's nests by the children. But the third
+day opened ominously. Triangle's dog was found with one
+of the Major's dead lambs under convoy, and the Irish
+hostler had caught him, tied him up in the stable, and given
+him such a dressing that Ponto's soul-case was nearly beaten
+out of him!</p>
+
+<p>The next item was a yowl in the garden! Everybody
+rushed out&mdash;Mrs. Triangle in her excitement, lest something
+had happened to "baby," and Nora, the girl, struck the
+centre-table, upset the "Astral," and not only demolished
+that ancient piece of furniture, but spilled enough thick oil
+over the gilt-edged literature, table-cloth, and carpet, to
+make a barrel of soft soap.</p>
+
+<div class='image' id='illo004'>
+
+<img src='images/illo004.png'
+	alt="With a presence of mind truly unparalleled..."
+	title="With a presence of mind truly unparalleled..."
+/>
+
+<p class='caption'>"With a presence of mind truly unparalleled, she laid
+down 'baby' upon the grass, and made fight with 'the spiteful
+craturs.'"&mdash;<a href="#Pg_169"><i>Page</i> 169.</a></p>
+</div>
+
+<p>The Irish girl came bounding, screeching forth! She
+had been sauntering through the garden, and ran against
+the bee-hives, when a bee up and at her. With a presence
+of mind truly unparalleled, she laid down "baby" upon the
+grass, and made fight with "the spiteful craturs;" and of
+course she got her hands full, was beset by tens and hundreds,
+and was stung in as many places by the pugnacious
+"divils." Nora was done for. She went to bed; "baby"
+was found all right, laughing "fit to break its yitty hearty
+party, at naughty Nora Dory," as Mrs. Triangle very naturally
+expressed it.</p>
+
+<p>These two tableaux had hardly reached their climax,
+when in rushed Frederic Antonio Gustavus, with his capacious
+apron full of "birds he killed in the yard, down by
+the barns." Poor Jingo! and we may add, poor Mrs.
+Jingo! for a favorite brood of the finest fowls in the
+country had been exterminated by the chivalrous young
+Triangle, and in the bloom of his heroic act he dropped the
+dead game at the feet of his horror-stricken mother, and
+astonished father, and the Jingos.</p>
+
+<p>That night the effect of stuffing with green fruit to utter
+suffocation manifested itself in a general and alarming
+cholera-morbus among the junior Triangles, and the whole
+house was up in arms.</p>
+
+<p>In the midst of this, a fresh clamor broke out in Nora's
+chamber. A huge bat had got into her room, and so
+alarmed her, that she yelled worse, louder, and longer than
+seven evil ones.</p>
+
+<p>It was a night of horror to the whole family&mdash;to everybody
+in and about Jingo Hall. The dogs set up a howl;
+the children bawled, cried, and took on; the Irish girl
+screeched; gin and laudanum, peppermint and "lollypops,"
+the de'il to pay and no pitch hot.</p>
+
+<p>Triangle felt relieved when daylight came, and had it not
+been Sunday, he would have packed up and put back for
+the prosy office and stagnated quietude of the city. But it
+was Sunday, and after the children, Irish girl, and dogs had
+been partially quieted, down the carriage came to the door,
+and as many as could get into it of the Jingos and Triangles,
+rolled off to meeting.</p>
+
+<p>Triangle and Jingo went to escape the din and noise of
+dressing "the babies," &amp;c.; and after the service was
+over, poor Triangle was taken aside by a tall, bony man,
+who reported himself in no very ceremonious manner as the
+proprietor of a flock of sheep scared to death, and one rare
+lamb killed&mdash;"by your dog!" Triangle owned to the soft
+impeachment, and "compromised" for a V.</p>
+
+<p>Returned to Jingo Hall, another <i>coup d'etat</i> all around
+the lot had broken out. Evangeline Roxana Matilda Triangle
+had disappeared. The baby, Georgiana Victorine
+Rosa Adelaide, had fallen from a swing in the grove and
+dislocated her wrist, and flattened her pretty nose quite to
+her pretty face. Baby was very ill, and from the groans
+issuing from Nora's attic, it was not <i>on-possible</i> that she
+was sick as she could be. A general search took place for
+Evangeline Roxana Matilda, while Maj. Jingo mounted a
+horse and rode over to the village, to bring down a doctor
+for Georgiana Victorine Rosa Adelaide, "the baby," and&mdash;Nora Dougherty.</p>
+
+<p>A glance at the Irish girl convinced poor <i>tried</i> Triangle
+that she was a case&mdash;of small-pox.</p>
+
+<p>Maj. Jingo returned, but without a medical adviser; the
+village Esculapius having gone off to the city. Things
+looked gloomy enough. Triangle felt "chawed up," and
+wished he had been roasted alive in the city before venturing
+upon such a trip. But he felt he had a duty to perform,
+and he determined to put it through.</p>
+
+<p>"Major, I'm very sorry, but the fact is"&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind, never mind, my dear fellow&mdash;no trouble
+to us."</p>
+
+<p>"But," chokingly continued poor Triangle, "but, Major,
+the fact is, I&mdash;a&mdash;you've got a large family"&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind, my dear boy; don't say any more
+about it."</p>
+
+<p>"But to have the&mdash;a&mdash;the&mdash;small-pox"&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"What?" gasped the Major&mdash;"the&mdash;a"&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Small-pox!" seriously enough responded Triangle.</p>
+
+<p>"Small-pox! Who? Where?"</p>
+
+<p>"Our Irish girl&mdash;up stairs&mdash;awful!"</p>
+
+<p>"O, good Lord! Irish&mdash;up stairs&mdash;small-pox!" reiterated
+the really alarmed proprietor of Jingo Hall.</p>
+
+<p>"I wouldn't have"&mdash;said Triangle.</p>
+
+<p>"The small-pox in my house"&mdash;echoed Jingo.</p>
+
+<p>"For all the blessed countries in the world!" passionately
+exclaimed Triangle.</p>
+
+<p>"Heavens!" exclaimed the Major; "my wife has a
+greater dread of small-pox than yellow fever, or death itself!"</p>
+
+<p>"What's to be done?" said poor Triangle.</p>
+
+<p>"Remove the girl to an out-house, instantly!" said the
+Major, pacing up and down, in great <i>furore</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"That's best, Major; go move her, at once."</p>
+
+<p>"Me? Me move her, sir?" said Jingo.</p>
+
+<p>"Why who will, Major?" responded Triangle.</p>
+
+<p>"Who? Why, you, of course."</p>
+
+<p>"Me?" exclaimed Triangle&mdash;"me? endanger my life,
+and the lives of all my family&mdash;me? No, sir, I'll&mdash;I'll&mdash;I'll
+be hanged if I do!"</p>
+
+<p>"Blur a' nouns, zur!" bawled the Irish hostler, as he
+came trotting up to the front veranda, where Triangle and
+Jingo were discussing the transportation of small-pox&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Blur a' nouns&mdash;the dog's loose!"</p>
+
+<p>"Curse the dog!" said the Major.</p>
+
+<p>"But, zur, it's raving mad, he is!"</p>
+
+<p>"Mad! my dog?" cries Triangle.</p>
+
+<p>"A mad dog, too!" exclaims the Major, in horror.</p>
+
+<p>"O, too bad&mdash;horrible&mdash;wish I'd never seen"&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Get your gun, quick&mdash;come on!" cried the Major.</p>
+
+<p>"But, my dear Major, my gun's broke all to smash. O!
+that I had shot the blasted brute instead of breaking my gun!"</p>
+
+<p>"Come on&mdash;never mind&mdash;seize a club, fork, or anything,
+and hunt around for the cursed dog. He'll bite some of
+our people, horses, or cattle." And away ran the Major,
+with a bit of stick about the size of a fence-rail. Paddy
+made himself scarce, and Triangle, in agony, flew around to
+hunt up his daughter, whom they found asleep in a summer-house.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Major Jingo, when she heard that the Irish girl had
+introduced the small-pox on Jingo Hill, liked to have fainted
+away; but, conquering her weakness, she ordered the
+carriage, and bundled herself and four children into it, so
+full of terror and alarm that she never so much as said&mdash;"Take
+care of yourself, Mrs. Triangle!" Maj. Jingo returned,
+after a fruitless search for Triangle's mad dog, and
+just as he entered the hall, the Irish girl came rushing down
+stairs, crying&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"O! murther, murther! I'm dead as a door-nail,
+entirely, wid dese pains in my face. Be gorra! O, murther!"</p>
+
+<p>One look at the swollen and truly frightful face of the
+girl put the Major to his <i>taps</i>; and stopping but a moment
+to tell Triangle to make out the best he could, he left.</p>
+
+<p>Next morning, bag and baggage, the Triangles <i>vamosed</i>.
+The poor girl having recovered from her attack of the bees,
+which had led to the alarm of small-pox, looked quite respectable.
+Never did a party enjoy <i>home</i> more completely
+than the Triangles after that. Triangle has a holy horror
+of trips to the country, and the Jingos are down on visitors
+from the city.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Jake_Hinkles_Failings" id="Jake_Hinkles_Failings"></a>Jake Hinkle's Failings.</h2>
+
+
+<p>In the village of Washington, Fayette Co., Ohio, there
+was a transient sort of a personage, a kind of floating
+farmer, named Hinkle,&mdash;Jacob Hinkle,&mdash;commonly called
+<i>Old Jake Hinkle</i>. Jake was, originally, a Dutchman, a
+Pennsylvania, Lancaster County Dutchman; and that was
+about <i>as</i> Dutch as Holland and Sour Krout could well
+make a human "critter." Well, Jake Hinkle owned, or
+had squatted on, a small patch of land, just beyond old
+Mother Rodger's "bottom," that is, about a mile east of
+the "Rattle Snake Fork" of Paint Creek, which, every
+thundering fool out West knows, empties itself into&mdash;"Big
+Paint," which finally rolls out into the Muskingum, and
+thence into the Ohio. Very well, having settled the geographical
+position of Jake Hinkle, let me go on to state
+what kind of a critter Jake was, and how it came about
+that he was pronounced dead, one cold morning, and how
+he came up to town and denied the assertion.</p>
+
+<p>Jake Hinkle loved corn, lived on it, as most people do
+in the interior of Ohio and Kentucky; he loved <i>corn</i>, but
+loved corn whiskey more, and this love, many a time,
+brought Jake up to "the Court House" of Washington,
+through rain, hail and snow, to get a nipper, fill his jug,
+and go home. Now, in the West it is a custom more
+honored in the breach than in the observance, perhaps, for
+grog shops of the village to play all sorts of fantastic tricks
+upon old codgers who come up to town, or down to town,
+hitch their horses to the fence, and there let the "critters"
+stand, from 10 A. M. to 12 P. M., more or less, and longer.
+The most popular dodge is, to shave the horse's tail, turn
+it loose, and let it go home. Of course, <i>that</i> horse is not
+soon seen in the village again, as a horse with a shored tail is
+about the meanest thing to look at, except a singed possum,
+or a dandy&mdash;you ever did see.</p>
+
+<p>One very cold night, in January, '39, Jake Hinkle came
+down to the "Court House," hitched his horse to the
+Court Square fence, and made a straight bend for Sanders'
+"Grocery," and began to "wood up." Old Jake's tongue
+was a perfect bell-clapper, and when well oiled with corn
+juice, could rip into the high and low Dutch like a nor'easter
+into a field of broom corn. Jake talked and talked,
+and drank and talked, and about midnight, the cocks crowing,
+the stars winking and blinking, and the wind nipping
+and whistling around the grocery, Sanders notified Jake
+and others that he was going to shut up the concern, and
+the crowd must be "putting out." Jake made a break for
+his nag, but she was gone. "Why," says Jake, "she's
+broke der pridle and gone home, and by skure I shall
+walk,"&mdash;and off Jake put, through the cold and mud.</p>
+
+<p>Next morning, when the Circleville stage came along
+between old Marm Rodger's "bottom," and the Rattle
+Snake Fork of Paint, the driver discovered poor old Jake
+laid out, stiff and cold as a wedge! Alas, poor old Jake!
+Gone! Quite a gloom hung over the "grocery;" Jake
+was an inoffensive, good old fellow, nobody denied that,
+and certain young "fellers" who had shaved the tail of
+Jake's mare the night previous, and set her loose, now felt
+sort of sorry for the deed. The editor of the "Argus of
+Freedom" came down to the "grocery," to get his morning
+"nip," heard the news, went back to his office, "set up"
+Jake's obituary notice, pitched in a few sorrowful phrases,
+and then put his paper to press; that afternoon, the whole
+edition, of some two hundred copies, were distributed
+around among the subscribers and "dead heads," and Jake
+Hinkle was pronounced stone dead&mdash;<i>pegged out!</i></p>
+
+<p>Two or three days afterwards, a man covered with mud
+and sweat, came rushing into Washington. He paused not,
+nor turned not right or left, until he found the office of the
+"Argus of Freedom," where he rushed in, and confronting
+the editor, he spluttered forth:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"You der printer of dish paper,&mdash;der noosh paper?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," says the 'responsible,' "I am the man," looking
+a little wild.</p>
+
+<p>"Vell, bine de great Jehosaphat, what for you'n make
+me deat?"</p>
+
+<p>"Me? Make you dead?" says the no little astonished editor.</p>
+
+<p>"Yaas!" bawled old Jake, for it was he&mdash;"You'n tell
+de people I diet; <i>it's a lie!</i> And do you neber do it
+again, and fool de peeples, <i>witout you git a written order
+from me!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>That editor, ever afterwards, insisted on seeing the
+funeral before he recorded an obituary notice.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Going_to_Happen" id="Going_to_Happen"></a>What's Going to Happen.</h2>
+
+
+<p>In fifty years the steam engine will be as old a notion,
+and as queer an invention, as the press Ben. Franklin
+worked is now. In fifty years, copper-plate, steel-plate,
+lithography, and other fine engravings, will be multiplied
+for a mere song, in a beautiful manner, by the now infantile
+art of <i>Daguerreotyping</i>. A passage to California will then be
+accomplished in twenty-four hours, by air carriages and
+electricity; or, perhaps, they'll go in buckets down Artesian
+holes, <i>clean through the earth!</i> The arts of agriculture and
+horticulture will produce hams ready roasted, natural pies,
+baked with all sorts of <i>cookies</i>. About that time, a man
+may live forever at a cent a day, and sell for all he's worth
+at last&mdash;for soap fat!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="The_Washerwomans_Windfall" id="The_Washerwomans_Windfall"></a>The Washerwoman's Windfall.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Some years ago, there lived, dragged and toiled, in one
+of our "Middle States," or Southern cities, and old
+lady, named Landon, the widow of a lost sea captain; and
+as a dernier resort, occurring in many such cases, with a
+family of children to provide for,&mdash;the father and husband
+cut off from life and usefulness, leaving his family but a
+stone's cast from indigence,&mdash;the mother, to keep grim
+poverty from famishing her hearth and desolating her home,
+took in gentlemen's washing. Her eldest child, a boy of
+some twelve years old, was in the habit of visiting the
+<ins title="lagest">largest</ins> hotels in the city, where he received the finer pieces
+of the gentlemen's apparel, and carried them to his mother.
+They were done up, and returned by the lad again.</p>
+
+<p>It was in mid-winter, cold and dreary season for the
+poor&mdash;travel was slack, and few and far between were the
+poor widow's receipts from her drudgery.</p>
+
+<p>"To-morrow," said the widow, as she sat musing by her
+small fire, "to-morrow is Saturday; I have not a stick of
+wood, pound of meal, nor dollar in the world, to provide
+food or warmth for my children over Sunday."</p>
+
+<p>"But, mother," responded her 'main prop,' George, the
+eldest boy, "that gentleman who gave me the half dollar
+for going to the bank for him, last week,&mdash;you know him
+we washed for at the United States Hotel,&mdash;said he was to
+be here again to-morrow. I was to call for his clothes; so
+I will go, mother, to-morrow; maybe he will have another
+errand for me, or some money&mdash;he's got so much money in
+his trunk!"</p>
+
+<p>"So, indeed, you said, good child; it's well you thought
+of it," said the poor woman.</p>
+
+<p>Next day the lad called at the hotel, and sure enough,
+the strange gentleman had arrived again. He appeared
+somewhat bothered, but quickly gathering up some of his
+soiled clothes, gave them to the lad, and bade him tell his
+mother to wash and return them that evening by all means.</p>
+
+<p>"Alas! that I cannot do," said the widow, as her son
+delivered the message. "My dear child, I have neither fire
+to dry them, nor money to procure the necessary fuel."</p>
+
+<p>"Shall I take the clothes back again, mother, and tell
+the gentleman you can't dry them in time for him?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, son. I must wash and dry them&mdash;we must have
+money to-day, or we'll freeze and starve&mdash;I must wash and
+dry these clothes," said the disconsolate widow, as she immediately
+went about the performance, while her son started
+to a neighboring coopering establishment, to get a basket
+of chips and shavings to make fire sufficient to dry and iron
+the clothes.</p>
+
+<p>The clothes were duly tumbled into a great tub of water,
+and the poor woman began her manipulations. After a
+time, in handling a vest, the widow felt a knot of something
+in the breast pocket. She turned the pocket, and out fell
+a little mass of almost pulpy paper. She carefully unrolled
+the saturated bunch&mdash;she started&mdash;stared; the color from
+her wan cheeks went and came! Her two little children,
+observing the wild looks and strange actions of the mother,
+ran to her, screaming:</p>
+
+<p>"Dear&mdash;dear mother! Mother, what's the matter?"</p>
+
+<p>"Hush-h-h!" said she; "run, dear children&mdash;lock the
+door&mdash;lock the door! no, no, never mind. I a&mdash;I a&mdash;feel&mdash;dizzy!"</p>
+
+<p>The alarmed children clung about the mother's knees in
+great affright, but the widow, regaining her composure,
+told them to sit down and play with their little toys, and
+not mind her. The cause of this sudden emotion was the
+unrolling of five five hundred dollar bills. They were very
+wet&mdash;nearly "used up," in fact&mdash;but still significant of
+vast, astounding import to the poor and friendless woman.
+She was amazed&mdash;honor and poverty were struggling in
+her breast. Her poverty cried out, "You are made up&mdash;rich&mdash;wash
+no more&mdash;fly!" But then the poor woman's
+honor, more powerful than the tempting wealth in her
+hands&mdash;triumphed! She laid the wet notes in a book,
+and again set about her washing.</p>
+
+<p>About this time, quite a different scene was being enacted
+at the hotel. The gentleman so anxious that his
+clothes should be returned that evening, was no other than
+a famous counterfeiter and forger; and it happened, that
+the day previous, in a neighboring city, he had committed
+a forgery, drawn some four or five thousand dollars, had
+the greater part of the notes exchanged&mdash;and, with the
+exception of the five large bills hurriedly thrust into the
+vest pocket, and which he had sent to the poor laundress,
+there was little available evidence of the forgery in his possession.
+The widow's son had scarcely left the traveller's
+room with the clothes, when in came two policemen. The
+forger was not arrested as a principal, but certain barely
+suspicious circumstances had led to an investigation of him
+and his effects.</p>
+
+<p>"You are our prisoner, sir!" said one of the policemen,
+as a servant opened the door to let them in.</p>
+
+<p>"Me! What for?" was the quick response of the forger.</p>
+
+<p>"That you will learn in due season; at present we wish
+to examine your person and effects."</p>
+
+<p>The forger started&mdash;his heart beat with the rapidity of
+galvanic pulsation&mdash;the evidence of part of his villany was,
+as he supposed, among his effects. It was a moment of
+terror to him, but it passed like a flash, and in a gay and
+careless tone, he quickly replied:</p>
+
+<p>"O, very well, gentlemen&mdash;go ahead. There are my
+keys and baggage&mdash;search, and look around. I have no
+idea what you are after&mdash;probably you'll find." In a low
+tone, he continued, to himself, "By heavens, how lucky!
+that boy has saved me!"</p>
+
+<p>A considerable amount of money was found upon the
+forger, but none that could be identified, and after a long
+and wearisome private examination at the police court, he
+was discharged. He returned to the hotel, and shortly
+afterwards the lad made his appearance with the clothes,
+presenting him with a small roll of damp paper, saying:</p>
+
+<p>"Here, sir, is something mother found in one of your
+pockets. She thinks it may be valuable to you, sir, and
+she is sorry it was wet."</p>
+
+<p>The forger started, as though the little roll of wet money
+had been a serpent the lad was holding towards him.</p>
+
+<p>"No, no, my little man; return it to your mother; tell
+her to dry it carefully, and that I will call and see her to-night,
+when she can return the little parcel."</p>
+
+<p>George stood, his cap in one hand, and the other upon
+the door-knob; the man was much agitated, and perceiving
+the lad lingered, he thrust his hand into a carpet-bag, and
+hauling forth an old-fashioned wallet, he opened it, and taking
+thence a coin, put it in the hands of the lad and requested him
+to run home to his mother and deliver the message immediately.
+The lad did as he was ordered; and the poor washerwoman,
+the while, sat in her humble and ill-provided home,
+patiently awaiting the return of her boy, and fearing the anger
+of the gentleman at the hotel, when he should find his bank
+notes nearly, if not quite destroyed, would probably so indispose
+him towards the child that he would return empty-handed.
+But no; as the quick tread of the blithesome
+lad smote upon the widow's ear, she rushed to the door to
+receive him.</p>
+
+<p>"Dear son, was the gentleman very angry?"</p>
+
+<p>"Angry, dear mother? No! he was far from angry.
+He said you must dry these papers, and he would call
+to-night for them. And here, dear mother, he gave me a
+large piece of beautiful yellow money!" And the dutiful
+boy placed a golden doubloon in the trembling hand of
+the overjoyed mother. They were saved&mdash;the golden coin
+soon made the widow's domicil cheerful and happy.</p>
+
+<p>It is almost needless to say, the five notes were not called
+for. They laid in the widow's bureau drawer two entire
+years, when a friend to the poor woman negotiated for
+their exchange into a dwelling-house and small store.
+And to this little incident does a certain elderly lady and
+her family owe their present prosperous and perfectly
+honorable position in the respectable society of the city of &mdash;&mdash;.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Wonder_at_It" id="Wonder_at_It"></a>We don't Wonder at It.</h2>
+
+
+<p>In the city, we get so many new <i>kicks</i>, and put on so
+many new ways of living and doing up things, that no
+wonder the quiet and matter-of-fact country folks make
+awkward mistakes, and get mixed up with our conventionalities,
+and other doings. Dining at the American, last
+week, we sat <i>vis-a-vis</i> with an old-fashioned agricultural
+gent, whose plate of mock turtle remained cooling for some
+time, while he was busy thinking over a silver four-pronged
+fork in his hand. At length a broad smile played over
+his manly features, as the novel-makers say, and he opened&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I'm jiggered!&mdash;ha! ha! <i>they've got to eating
+soup with split spoons, too!</i>"</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Horse_Bonny_Doon" id="Horse_Bonny_Doon"></a>Old Maguire and his Horse Bonny Doon.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Few animals possess the sagacity of the horse; passive
+and obedient, they are easily trained; bring them up
+the way you want them to go, and they'll go it! The horse
+in his old age does not forget the precepts of his youth.
+A very touching anecdote is told of a horse, in the cavalry
+service of the British army, during Napoleon's time. After
+the battle of Waterloo, when the combined force of Europe,
+through chicanery&mdash;not valor&mdash;defeated the greatest
+soldier the world ever saw, the British army was cut down,
+rank and file&mdash;Napoleon having promised to "be a good
+boy," and let 'em alone in future. Among the <i>cut offs</i>,
+was a troop of horse, and in this troop was an old veteran
+Bucephalus, who had stood and made charges, smelt fire
+and brimstone, faced phalanxes of bayonets, and clashed
+rough-shod over many bloody fields, besides Waterloo,&mdash;this
+old fellow was turned out to grass&mdash;cashiered. When
+the balance of his retained companions in saddle were
+leaving the town where the dismemberment had taken
+place, the old war horse was quietly grazing in a field; the
+troop passed&mdash;the bugler "sounded his horn," and in less
+than forty winks the old old horse was up, off, over fences,
+and in the front ranks! The tenacity with which he clung
+to his place in the column caused&mdash;says the historian&mdash;the
+officers and men to shed tears.</p>
+
+<p>So much by way of a prelude. Now for old Maguire
+and his horse. Some years ago, in the interior of Ohio,
+there did live an old Irish jintleman, who not only had a
+fine estate, but likewise a saw-mill, and as fine an old black
+mare as ever the rays of a noonday's sun lit down upon.
+"Bonny Doon," Maguire's old mare, was a wonderful
+"critter;" she opened gates, let down bars, seized the pump
+handle by her teeth, and actually extracted water from the
+barn-yard well, with all the facility of a regular double-fisted
+<i>genus homo</i>. As a sly old joker, she had performed various
+tricks, such as nipping off the tails of sucking calves,
+catching chickens in her manger, and making various pieces
+of them, and kicking in the ribs of strange dogs and horned
+cattle. But to the eccentric habits and bacchanalian
+customs of her ex-military master, the old mare's dormant
+talents owed their "fetching out."</p>
+
+<p>Old "Captain Maguire" had served with credit to himself
+and honor to the State, in her early struggles against
+the Indians and French Canadians. "Bonny Doon" was
+then in her "fille"-hood, and probably the most beautiful,
+as well as the most saucy jade, in the frontier army. Some
+twenty-five years had passed, and still the old captain and
+the mare were about, every-day cronies, for the old man
+no more thought of walking fifty rods, premeditatedly, than
+a South Carolina dandy would dream of the possibility of
+getting a glass of water without the immediate assistance
+of a son of Ethiopia! The old man had become possessed
+of wealth as well as years&mdash;was likewise the progenitor
+of a large and flourishing family, of the finest looking men
+and women in the State, and having gotten all things in
+this pleasant kind of train, he "laid off" in perfect lavender.
+The old captain's farm was about four miles from the
+large and flourishing town of Z&mdash;&mdash;, and here the captain
+spent most of his time. Riding in on "Bonny Doon," in
+the morning, and hitching her to the sign-post, the poor
+beast would stand there&mdash;unless taken in by the ostler or
+others&mdash;until midnight, while the captain swigged whiskey,
+and smoked his pipe in the tavern. Yet "Bonny Doon's"
+affection for her old master did not flag; she waited patiently
+until he came&mdash;her mane and long tail would then
+switch about, while she'd "snigger eout" with gladness at
+his coming, and carry the old man through rain or snow,
+moonshine, or total darkness, over corduroy railroads,
+bridges, ravines, and last, though by no means least, over
+the narrow plank-way of Captain Maguire's saw-mill dam,
+while the waters on each side foamed and roared like a
+mountain torrent, and while the old man was either asleep
+or his hat so full of "bricks," that he was about as difficult
+to balance in the saddle as a sack of potatoes or Turk's
+Island salt! A better citizen, when sober, never paid
+taxes or trod sole leather in that State, than old Captain
+Maguire; but when he was "up the tree," a little sprung,
+or <i>tight</i>, as you may say, he was ugly enough, and chock
+full of wolf and brimstone! One day the captain was summoned
+to attend court, and testify in a case wherein his
+evidence was to give a lift to the suit of a neighbor, for
+whom the old man entertained a most lively disgust and
+very unchristianly hate. The old man, finding that he
+must go, went. He wet his whistle several times before
+starting, repeated the dose several times before he reached
+the Court House, and about the time he supposed he was
+wanted, he mounted "Bonny Doon," and started, full
+chisel, up the steps, through the entry, and into the crowded
+Court room, just in the nick of time.</p>
+
+<p>"Robert Maguire! Robert Maguire! Robert&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Be the help o' Moses, <i>I'm here!</i>" roared the captain,
+in response to the crier.</p>
+
+<p>And sure enough, he wasn't anywhere else! There he
+sat, stiff, and formal as a bronze statue of some renowned
+military chieftain, on a pot-metal war steed. Some laughed,
+others stepped out of the way of the mare's heels, judge
+and jury "riz," some of the oldest sinners in law practice
+looked quite "skeery," doubtless taking the old captain
+and his black charger for quite a different individual! It
+was some time before order and decorum were restored,
+as it was much easier for the judge to <i>order</i> Captain Maguire
+to be arrested for his freak, than to do it, "Bonny
+Doon" not being disposed to let any man approach her
+head or heels. They shut the captain up, finally, for contempt
+of court, and fined him twenty dollars, but he escaped
+the disagreeable attitude of sustaining the suit of an
+enemy. At another time, the captain, being on a <i>time</i>,
+dashed into a meeting-house, running in at one door, and
+slap bang out at the other! This feat of Camanche horsemanship
+rather alarmed the whole congregation, and cost
+the captain five twenties! Riding into bar rooms and
+stores was a common performance of "Bonny Doon" and
+her master; and he had even gone so far as to run the mare
+up two entire flights of stairs of the principal hotel, dashing
+into a room where "a native" was shivering in bed with
+the fever and ague; but the noise and sudden appearance
+of a man and horse in such high latitudes effected a permanent
+and speedy cure; the fright like to have destroyed the
+sufferer's crop of hair, but the "a-gy" was skeered clean
+out of his emaciated body.</p>
+
+<p>After a variety of adventures by flood and field, of hair-breadth
+'scapes, and eccentricities of man and beast, they
+parted! "Bonny Doon" being about the only living spectator
+of her master's end. This tragic denouement came
+about one cold, stormy and snowy night, when few men,
+and as few beasts, would willingly or without pressing occasion,
+expose themselves to the pitiless storm. The old
+captain had been in town all day, with "Bonny Doon"
+hitched to the horse block, and being full of "distempering
+draughts," as Shakspeare modestly terms it, and malicious
+bravery in the midst of the great storm, late in the evening
+he mounted his half-starved and as near frozen mare, to go home.</p>
+
+<p>"Better stay all night, captain," coaxed some friend.</p>
+
+<p>"Hills are icy, and hollows filled with snow," suggested
+the landlord.</p>
+
+<p>"I wouldn't ride out to your place to-night, captain, for
+a seat in Congress!" rejoined the first speaker.</p>
+
+<p>"Ye wouldn't?" replied the captain. "And&mdash;and no
+wonder ye wouldn't, fer not a divil iv ye's iver had the
+horse as could carry ye's over me road th' night. Look at
+that! There's the baste can do it!&mdash;d'ye see that?"
+and as the old man, reeling in the saddle, jammed the rowels
+of his heavy spurs into the flanks of the mare, she nearly
+stood erect, and chafed her bits as fiery and mettled as
+though just from her oats and warm stable, and fifteen years
+kicked off.</p>
+
+<p>"Boys," bawled the captain, "here's the ould mare that
+can thravel up a frozen mountain, slide down a greased
+rainbow, and carry ould Captain Maguire where the very
+ould divil himsilf couldn't vinture his dirty ould body.
+Hoo-o-oo-oop! I'm gone, boys!"</p>
+
+<p>And he was off, gone, too; for the old man never
+reached the threshold of his domicil.&mdash;Next morning Captain
+Maguire was found in the mill-dam, entirely dead, with
+poor "Bonny Doon," nearly frozen, and scarcely able to
+walk or move, standing near him. But there she stood,
+upon the narrow icy way over the dam, and from appearances
+of the snow and planks of the little bridge, the faithful
+mare had pawed, scraped, and endeavored by various
+means to rescue her master. The manner of the catastrophe
+was evident; the old man had become sleepy, and
+frozen, and while the poor mare was feeling her way over
+the icy and snow-covered bridge, her master had slipped
+off into the frozen dam, and no doubt she would have
+dragged him out, could she have reached him. As it was,
+she stood a faithful sentinel over her lost master, and did
+not survive him long,&mdash;the cold and her evident sorrow
+ended the eventful life of "Bonny Doon."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="the_Right_Pew" id="the_Right_Pew"></a>Getting into the "Right Pew."</h2>
+
+
+<p>New Year's day is some considerable "pumpkins" in
+many parts of the United States. In the Western
+States, they have horse-racing, shooting-matches, quilting-frolics
+and grand hunting parties. In the South, the week
+beginning with Christmas and ending with New Year's day,
+is devoted to the largest liberty by the negroes, who have
+one grand and extensive <i>saturnalia</i>, visit their friends and
+relations, make love to the "gals" on neighboring plantations,
+spend the little change saved through the year, or
+now and then given to them by indulgent or generous masters,
+and in fact have a glorious good time! The holidays
+in New Orleans, and in Louisiana generally, is <i>a time</i>, and
+no mistake. The old French and Spanish families keep
+open house&mdash;dinners and suppers, music, song and dance.
+On New Year's eve, they decorate the graves of their friends
+with flowers. Lamps or lanterns are often required for this
+purpose, and as you pass the silent grave-yards, it is indeed
+a novel sight to see the many glimmering lights about
+the tombs of the departed. In most of the South-Western
+towns, the day is given up to fun and frolic. The Philadelphians
+have a great blow out. The streets are filled by
+holiday-looking people, children with toys and "mint sticks"&mdash;making
+the air resound with tin trumpets and penny
+whistles. The men and boys used to load up every thing
+in the shape of cannons, guns, pistols and hollow keys, and
+bang away from sunset until sunrise, keeping up a racket,
+din and uproar, equal to the bombardment of a citadel.
+The authorities stopped that, and now the civil young men
+kill the night and day in dancing, feasting, and attending
+the amusements, the multitude of rowdies passing their time
+in concocting and carrying on street fights and running with
+the engines.</p>
+
+<p>But the New Yorkers <i>bang</i> the whole of them; bear witness,
+O ye New Year's doings I have there seen. Visiting
+your friends, and your friends' friends. Open houses every
+where! "Drop in and take a glass of wine or bit of cake,
+if nothing else"&mdash;that's the word. Jeremy Diddlers flourish,
+marriageable daughters and interesting widows set their
+caps for the nice young men, the streets are noisy and full
+of confusion, the theatres and show-shops generally reap an
+elegant harvest, and the police reports of the second morning
+of the New Year swell monstrously! Of a New Year's
+adventure of an innocent young acquaintance of mine, I
+have a little story to tell.</p>
+
+<p>Jeff. Jones was caught, at a New Year's dinner in New
+York, by the fascinating grace and <i>cap</i>-tivating head-gear
+of a certain young widow, who had a fine estate. Jeff. was
+what you might call a good boy; he had never seen much
+of creation, save that lying between Pokeepsie (his birth-place)
+and the Battery, Castle Garden and Bloomingdale.
+He was a clever fellow, fond of rational fun and amusement,
+kept "a set of books" for a mercantile firm in Maiden
+Lane, dressed well, kept good hours, and in all general
+respects, was&mdash;a nice young man. He went with a friend
+on a tour&mdash;New Year's day, to make calls. After a number
+of glasses and chunks of cake, feeling altogether beautiful,
+he found himself in the presence of a charming widow, and
+some two months afterwards, himself and the widow, a parson
+and a brace of male and female friends, Jeff. Jones,
+aged 28, took a partner for life, ergo he hung up his hat in
+the snug domicil of the flourishing widow, who became
+Mrs. Jeff. Jones, thereafter.</p>
+
+<p>Poor Jeff., he found out that there was some truth in the
+venerable saying&mdash;all is not gold that glitters. The charming
+widow was seriously inclined to wear the inexpressibles;
+and poor Jeff., being of such a gentlemanly, good and easy
+disposition, scarcely made a struggle for his reserved rights.
+However, things, under such a state of affairs, grew no
+better fast, and as Jeff. Jones had neglected to go around
+and see the elephant before marriage, he came to the conclusion
+to see what was going on after that interesting ceremony.
+In short, Jeff. got to going out of nights&mdash;kept
+"bad hours," got blowed up in gentle strains at first, but
+which were promised to be enlarged if Mr. Jones did not
+mind his Ps. and Qs.</p>
+
+<p>The third anniversary of Jeff. Jones's annexation to the
+widow was coming around. It was New Year's day in the
+morn; it brought rather sober reflections into Jeff.'s mind,
+on the head of which he thought he'd as soon as not&mdash;<i>get
+tight!</i> This notion was pleasing, and dressing himself in
+his best clothes, Jones informed Mrs. J. that he wished to
+call on a few old friends, and would be home to dine and
+bring some friends with him!</p>
+
+<p>"See that you do, then," said Mrs. J., "see that you do,
+that's all!" and she gave Mr. J. "a look" not at all like Miss
+Juliet's to Mr. Romeo&mdash;she <i>spoke</i>, and she said something.</p>
+
+<p>However, Jones cleared himself; dinner hour arrived, if
+Jeff. Jones did not; Mrs. Jones smiled and chatted, and
+did the honors of the table with rare good grace, but where
+was Jones?</p>
+
+<p>"He'll be poking in just as dinner is over, and the puddings
+cold, and company preparing to leave; then he'll catch
+a lecturing."</p>
+
+<p>But don't fret your pretty self, Mrs. Jones&mdash;for dinner
+passed and tea-time came, but no Jones. Mrs. Jones began
+to get snappish, and by ten o'clock she had bitten all the
+ends from her taper fingers, besides dreadfully scolding the
+servants, all around. Mrs. J. finally retired&mdash;the clock had
+struck 12, and no Jones was to be seen; Mrs. J. was worried
+out; she could not sleep a blessed wink. She got up
+again, Jones might have met with some dreadful accident!
+She had not thought of that before! Perhaps at that very
+hour he was in the bottom of the Hudson, or in the deep
+cells of the Tombs! It was awful! Mrs. Jones dressed&mdash;the
+house was as still as a church-yard&mdash;she put on an old
+hood, and shawl to match, and noiselessly she crept down
+stairs; and by a passage out through the back area into a rear
+street. Mrs. Jones at the dead hour of night determined to
+seek some information of her husband. She had not gotten
+over a block, or block and a half from her mansion, when
+she spies two men coming along&mdash;wing and wing, merry as
+grigs, reeling to and fro, and singing in stentorian notes:</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"A man that is (hic) married (hic) has lost every hope&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He's (hic) like a poor (hic) pig with his foot in a rope!<br /></span>
+<span class="i10"><i>O-o-o! dear! O-o-o! dear&mdash;cracky!</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A man that is (hic) married has so (hic) many ills&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He's like a (hic) poor fish with a (hic) hook in his gills!<br /></span>
+<span class="i10"><i>O-o-o-o! dear! O-o-o-o! dear&mdash;cracky!"</i><br /></span>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<p>In terror of these roaring bacchanalians, who were slowly
+approaching her, Mrs. Jones stood close in the doorway
+of a store; the revellers parted at the corner of the street,
+after many asseverations of eternal friendship, much noise
+and twattle. One of the carousers came lumbering towards
+Mrs. J., and she, in some alarm, left her hiding place and
+darted <ins title="pass">past</ins> the midnight brawler; and to her horror, the
+fellow made tracks after her as fast as a drunken man could
+travel, and that ain't slow; for almost any man inside of
+sixty can run, like blazes, when he is scarce able to stand
+upon his pins because of the quantity of bricks in his beaver.
+Mrs. Jones ran towards her dwelling, but before she
+could reach it, the ruffian at her heels clasped her! Just
+as she was about to give an awful scream, wake up all the
+neighbors and police ten miles around, she saw&mdash;<i>Jones!</i>
+Jeff. Jones, her recreant husband!</p>
+
+<p>It was a moment of awful import&mdash;the widow was equal
+to the crisis, however, and governed herself accordingly;
+proving the truth of some dead and gone philosopher who
+has left it in black and white, that the widows are always
+more than a <i>match</i> for any man in Christendom!</p>
+
+<p>Jones was loving drunk, a stage that terminates and is a
+near kin to total oblivion, in bacchanalian revels. Jones
+had not the remotest idea of where he was&mdash;time or persons;
+his tongue was thick, eyes dull, ideas monstrous
+foggy, and the few sentences he rather unintelligibly uttered,
+were highly spiced with&mdash;"my little (hic) angel, you (hic), you
+(hic) live 'bout (hic) here? Can't you ta-take me (hic) home
+with you, eh? My-my old woman (hic) would raise-rai-raise
+old scratch if I (hic), I went home to-to-night. (Hic)
+I'll, I'll go home (hic) in the morning, and (hic) tell her,
+ha! ha! he! (hic) tell her I've be-be-been to a fire!"</p>
+
+<p>"O, the villain," said Mrs. J. to herself; "but I'll be
+revenged. Come, sir, go home with me&mdash;I'll take care of
+you. Come, sir, be careful; this way&mdash;in here."</p>
+
+<p>"Where the (hic) deuce are&mdash;are you going down this
+(hic) cellar, eh?"</p>
+
+<p>"All right, sir. Come, be careful! don't fall; rest on
+my arm&mdash;there, shut the door."</p>
+
+<p>"Why (hic), ha-hang it a&mdash;all; get a light&mdash;that's a de&mdash;ar!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, yes; wait a moment, I'll bring you a light."</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. J. having gotten her game bagged, left it in the
+dark, and retired to her bed-chamber. Some of the servants,
+hearing a noise in the basement, got up, stuck their
+noses out of their rooms, and being convinced that a desperate
+scoundrel was in the house, raised the very old boy.
+Poor Jones, in his efforts to get out, run over pots, pans,
+and chairs, and through him and the servants, the police
+were alarmed! lights were raised, and Jones was arrested
+for a burglar!</p>
+
+<p>Never was a man better pleased to find himself in his
+own domicil, than Jones! It was all Greek to the watchmen
+and servants; it was a mysterious matter to Jones for
+a full fortnight&mdash;but upon promise of ever after spending
+his new year's at home, Mrs. J. let the cat out of the bag.
+Jones surrendered!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="A_Circuitous_Route" id="A_Circuitous_Route"></a>A Circuitous Route.</h2>
+
+
+<p>We know several folks who have a way of beating round
+and boxing the compass, from A to Z, and back again, that
+fairly knocks us into smithereens. One of these characters
+came to us the other day, and in a most mysterious manner,
+with the utmost earnestness, solemnity, and <i>hocus pocus</i>,
+says he&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Cap'n, (winking,) I wanted to see you&mdash;(two winks;)
+the fact of the business is, (wink, nod, and double wink,)
+I've wanted to see you, badly; you see, I-a&mdash;well, what I-a
+(two winks)&mdash;was about to remark (two nods and a short
+cough),&mdash;that is to say, it don't make much matter, if-a&mdash;(wink,
+wink, wink;) you see it was in this way, I-a&mdash;wanted
+to&mdash;a, to tell you that (dreadful lot of winks) I've been&mdash;not,
+to be sure, that it's an uncommon-a thing, (nod, cough, and
+forty winks,) but no doubt if I-a&mdash;the fact is&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, what in thunder and rosin is <i>the fact</i>, old boy?"
+says we.</p>
+
+<p>"The fact is, cap'n, I'd a told you at once, but-a&mdash;I
+don't know why I&mdash;shouldn't tho', (wink on wink,) <i>have you
+got two shillings you won't want to use to-day</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>We hadn't!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Season_at_Saratoga" id="Season_at_Saratoga"></a>Major Blink's First Season at Saratoga.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Ha, ha!" said Uncle Joe Blinks, as the subject of
+summer travel, a jaunt somewhere, was being discussed
+among the regular boarders in Mrs. Bamberry's
+spacious old-fashioned parlors; "Ha! ha! ha! ladies, did
+Mrs. Bamberry ever tell you of <i>my</i> tour to Saratogy
+Springs?&mdash;last summer was two years."</p>
+
+<p>"No," said several of us <i>neuter genders</i> who had repeatedly
+heard all about it, but were desirous that those
+who had not been thus gratified, especially the ladies, and
+particularly a Miss Scarlatina, who was <i>dieting</i> for a tour
+to the famed Springs&mdash;"tell us all about it, Major."</p>
+
+<p>"Then," said the Major, with his favorite exclamation,
+"then, by the banks of Brandywine, if I don't tell you.
+You see, last summer was two years, I came to the conclusion,
+that I'd stop off business, altogether, brush up a
+little, and go forth a mite more in the world, and I went.
+A friend of mine, a married man, was going up north to
+Saratogy, with his wife and sister&mdash;a plaguy nice young
+woman, the sister was, too; well, I don't know how it was,
+exactly, but somehow or other, it came into my head, especially
+as my friend Padlock had asked me if I wouldn't like
+to go up to Saratogy&mdash;that I'd go, and I went. It was
+odd enough, to be sure," said Uncle Joe, taking a pinch of
+rappee from his tortoise-shell box&mdash;"very odd, in fact,
+but somehow or other, Mrs. Padlock, being in poor health,
+and her sister, a rather volatile and inexperienced young
+woman, you may say&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"So that you had to <i>beau</i> her along the way, Uncle
+Joe?" says several of the company.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, yes; it was very odd, I don't know how it was,
+but somehow or other, I-a&mdash;I-a&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Out with it, Uncle Joe&mdash;own up; you cottoned to the
+young lady, gallant as possible, eh?" says the gents.</p>
+
+<p>"Ha! ha! it's a very delicate thing, very delicate, I
+assure you, gentlemen, for an old bachelor to be on the
+slightest terms of intimacy with a young&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"And beautiful!" echoed the company.</p>
+
+<p>"Unexperienced," continued the Major.</p>
+
+<p>"And unprotected," says the chorus.</p>
+
+<p>"Volatile," added the Major.</p>
+
+<p>"And marriageable young lady, like Miss&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Miss Catchem," said the Major.</p>
+
+<p>"Catchem!" cried the gents.</p>
+
+<p>"Catchem, that was her name; she was the daughter of
+a very respectable widow," continued the Major.</p>
+
+<p>"A widow's daughter, eh?" said they all, now much interested
+in Uncle Joe's journey to Saratoga, and&mdash;but we
+won't anticipate.</p>
+
+<p>"Of a very respectable widow, whose husband, I believe,
+was a&mdash;but no matter, they were of good family, and a&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, yes, Uncle Joe," said the ladies, "no doubt of that;
+go on with your story; you paid attention to Miss
+Catchem; you grew familiar&mdash;you became mutually pleased
+with each other, and you finally&mdash;well, tell us how it all
+came out, Uncle Joe, do!" they cried.</p>
+
+<p>"Bless me, ladies! You've quite got ahead of my story&mdash;altogether!
+Miss Catchem and I never spoke a word
+to each other in our lives," said the Major.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, Uncle Joe!" cried the whole party.</p>
+
+<p>"By banks of Brandywine, it's a fact."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, we never!" cried all the ladies.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, ladies, I don't suppose you ever did," Uncle Joe
+responds. "The fact is, Mrs. Padlock died suddenly the
+week Padlock spoke to me of going to Saratogy, and
+he married her sister, Miss Catchem, in course of a few
+weeks after, himself! I don't know how it was, but somehow
+or other, I thought it was all for the best; things
+might have turned out that I should have got tangled up
+with that girl, and a&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Been a married man, now, instead of a bachelor,
+Uncle Joe!" said the young ladies.</p>
+
+<p>"It's odd; I don't know how it was, ladies; it might
+have been so, but it turned out just as I have stated."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, well, Major," said an elderly person of the group;
+"go on; how about Saratoga?"</p>
+
+<p>"I will," says Uncle Joe, again resorting to his rappee,
+"I will. You see Padlock didn't <i>go</i>, it was very odd; but
+somehow or other, I made up my mind to <i>go</i>, and I went.
+I calculated to be gone three or four weeks, and I concluded
+for once, at least, to loosen the strings of my purse,
+if I never did again; so I laid out to expend three
+dollars or so, each day, say eighty dollars for the trip; a
+good round sum, I assure you, to fritter away; but, by
+banks of Brandywine, I was determined to <i>do</i> it, and I did.
+It was very odd, but the first person I met at New York
+was an old friend, a schoolmate of mine. I was glad to
+see him, and sorry enough to learn that he had failed in
+business&mdash;had a large family&mdash;poor&mdash;in distress. It was
+very odd, but somehow or other, we dined at the hotel
+together&mdash;had a bottle of Madeira, and I a&mdash;well, I loaned&mdash;yes,
+by banks of Brandywine, I gave the poor fellow
+a twenty dollar bill, shook hands and parted; yes, poor Billy
+Merrifellow, we never met again; he&mdash;he died soon after,
+in distress, his family broke up&mdash;scattered; it was very odd;
+poor fellow, he's gone;" and Uncle Joe again had recourse
+to his rappee, while a large tear hung in the corner of his
+full blue eye. Closing his box, and wiping his face with
+his <i>pongee</i>, the Major continued:</p>
+
+<p>"Next morning I called for my bill. I was astonished
+to find that a couple of bottles of good wine, two extra
+meals, and something over one day's board, figured up the
+round sum of ten dollars. I was three days out, so far,
+and my pocket-book was lessened of half the funds intended
+for a month's expenses! By banks of Brandywine,
+thinks Major, my boy, this won't do; you must economize,
+or you shall be short of your reckonings before you
+are a week out of port. That morning at the steam-boat
+wharf I meets a young man very genteelly dressed; he
+looked in deep distress about something. It was very odd,
+I don't know how it was, but somehow or other, he came
+up to me and asked if I was going up the river, and I very
+civilly told him I was; then, he up and tells me he was a
+stranger in the city, had lost all his money by gambling,
+was in great distress&mdash;had nothing but a valuable watch&mdash;a
+present from his deceased father, a Virginia planter, and a
+great deal more. He begged me to buy the watch, when
+I refused at first, but finally he so importuned me, and
+offered the watch at a rate so apparently below its real value
+that I up and gave him forty dollars for it, thinking I
+might in part, indemnify my previous extravagance by this
+little bit of a trade. It was very odd; I don't know how
+it was, but somehow or other, upon my arrival at Saratogy,
+I found that watch wasn't worth the powder that
+would blow it up! I was imposed upon, cheated by a
+scoundrel! Here I was, four days from home, and my
+whole month's outfit nigh about gone. In the stage that
+took us from the boat to the Springs, rode a very respectable
+youngish-looking woman, with a very cross child in
+her arms; we had not rode far before I found the other
+passengers, all gentlemen, apparently much annoyed by the
+child; for my part I sympathized with the poor woman,
+got into a conversation with her&mdash;learned she was on her
+way to Saratogy to see her husband, who was engaged
+there as a builder. Upon arriving at Saratogy, the young
+woman requested me to hold her child&mdash;it was fast asleep&mdash;until
+she stepped over to a new building to inquire about
+her husband. I did so; she went away, and I never saw
+her from that to this!"</p>
+
+<p>A loud and prolonged laugh from his auditors followed
+this <i>tableau</i> in Uncle Joe's story. A little more rappee,
+and the Major proceeded:</p>
+
+<p>"Well, it was very odd, I don't know how it was, but
+somehow or other I was left with the child, and a plaguy
+time had I of it; the town authorities refused to take charge
+of it, nobody else would; so by Brandywine, there I was;
+the people seemed to be suspicious of me&mdash;sniggered and
+went on as though I knew more about the woman and her
+child than I let on. In short, I had to father the child,
+and provide for it, and I did," said the Major, quite patriotically.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, never mind, Uncle Joe," said Mrs. Bamberry;
+"that boy may pay you yet&mdash;pay you for all your trouble;
+he's growing nicely, and will make a fine man."</p>
+
+<p>"So you really had to keep the child!" cried several.</p>
+
+<p>"O yes," says the Major; "I was in for it; I got a nurse
+and had the youngster taken care of. The hotels were
+crowded, very uncomfortable, rooms wretched, small, damp,
+and dirty. The landlords were quite independent, and the
+servants the most impudent set of extorting varlets I ever
+encountered! To keep from starving, I did as others&mdash;bribed
+a waiter to keep my plate supplied. At night they
+had what they called 'hops!' in other words, dances, shaking
+the whole house, and raising such a noise and hullabaloo,
+with cracked horns, squeaky fiddles&mdash;bawling and
+yelling, that no sailor boarding house could be half so disturbant
+of the peace. By banks of Brandywine, I got
+enough of such <i>folderols</i>; at the end of the week I asked
+for my bill, augmented by some few sundries&mdash;it made my
+hair stand up. Now what do you suppose my bill was, for
+one week, board, lodging, servants' <i>bribes</i> and sundries?
+I'll tell you," said the Major, "for you never could guess
+it&mdash;it was forty-one dollars, fifty cents. I took my <i>protege</i>,
+bag and baggage, and started for home. I was absent on
+this memorable tour to Saratogy just two weeks, and by
+banks of Brandywine, if the expense of that tour&mdash;not including
+the time <i>wasted</i>, vexation, bother, mortification of
+feelings, fuss, and rumpus&mdash;was but a fraction less than
+three hundred dollars! Four times the cost of my anticipated
+trip, lessened half the time, with fifty per cent. more
+humbug about it than I ever dreamed of!"</p>
+
+<p>Miss Scarlatina agreed with the rest of the company,
+that it cost Uncle Joe Blinks more to go to Saratogy than
+it came to, and they all concluded&mdash;not to go there themselves,
+just then&mdash;any how!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Old_Jack_Ringbolt" id="Old_Jack_Ringbolt"></a>Old Jack Ringbolt</h2>
+
+
+<p>Had been spinning old Mrs. Tartaremetic any quantity
+of salty yarns; she was quite surprised at Mr. Ringbolt's
+ups and downs, trials, travels and tribulations. Honest Jack
+(!) had assured the old dame that he had sailed over many
+and many cities, all under water, and whose roofs and chimneys,
+with the sign-boards on the stores, were still quite
+visible. He had seen Lot's wife, or the pillar of salt she
+finally was frozen into!</p>
+
+<p>"And did you see that&mdash;Lot's wife?" asked the old lady.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, marm; but 'tain't there now&mdash;the cattle got afoul
+of the pillar of salt one day, and licked it all up!"</p>
+
+<p>"Good gracious! Mr. Ringbolt!"</p>
+
+<p>"Fact, marm; I see'd 'em at it, and tried to skeer 'em away."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mr. Ringbolt, you've seen so much, and been
+around so, I'd think you would want to settle down, and
+take a wife!"</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Killed_Capt_Walker" id="Killed_Capt_Walker"></a>Who Killed Capt. Walker?</h2>
+
+
+<p>Few incidents of the campaign in Mexico seem so
+mixed up and indefinite as that relative to the taking
+of Huamantla, and the death of that noble and chivalric
+officer, Capt. Walker. In glancing over the papers of
+Major Mammond, of Georgia, which he designates the
+"Secondary Combats of the Mexican War," we observe
+that he has given an account of the engagement at Huamantla,
+and the fall of Walker. We believe the Major's
+account, compiled as it is from "the documents," to be in
+the main correct, but lacking incidental pith, and slightly
+erroneous in the grand <i>denouement</i>, in which our gallant
+friend&mdash;whose manly countenance even now stares us in the
+face, as if in life he "yet lived"&mdash;yielded up the balance
+of power on earth.</p>
+
+<p>We have taken some pains, and a great deal of interest
+surely, in coming at the facts; and no time seems so proper
+as the present&mdash;several of the chivalric gentlemen of that
+day and occasion, being now around us&mdash;to give the story
+its veritable exhibition of true interest.</p>
+
+<p>Capt. S. H. Walker was a Marylander, a young man of
+the truest possible heroism and gallantry. He entered upon
+the campaign with all the ardor and enterprise of a soldier
+devoted to the best interests of his country. He commanded
+a company of mounted men, whose bravery was
+only equalled by his own, and whose discipline and hardiness
+has been unsurpassed, if equalled, by any troops of
+the world. We shall skip over the thousand and one incidents
+of the line of action in which Walker, Lewis, and
+their brave companions in arms did gallant service, to come
+at the sanguinary and truly thrilling <i>denouement</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Gen. Lane, after the landing and organization of his
+troops at Vera Cruz, with some 2500 men, started for Puebla,
+where it was understood that Col. Childs required
+reinforcement. Lane left Jalapa on the 1st of October,
+and hurried forward with Lally's command. At Perote,
+Lane learned that Santa Anna would throw himself upon his
+muscle, and give the advancing columns jessy at the pass
+of Pinal, and there was every prospect of a very tight time.
+Col. Wynkoop was in command at Perote; the men were
+anxious to be "in" at the fight in prospective, and Wynkoop
+obtained permission to join the General with four
+companies of the Pennsylvania Regiment; a small battery
+of the 3d Artillery, under command of Capt. Taylor, with
+Capts. Walker, of the Texan Rangers, and Lewis, of the
+Louisiana Cavalry. The column was now swelled to some
+2800. They moved rapidly forward, and upon reaching
+Tamaris, Lane heard that the old fox was off&mdash;Santa Anna
+had gone to Huamantla. Lane determined to hunt him up
+with haste. The main force was left at Tamaris. Troops
+were forwarded&mdash;advanced by Walker's Rangers and
+Lewis's Cavalry&mdash;who approached to within sight, or nearly
+so, of Huamantla. The orders to Walker were to advance
+to the town, and if the Mexicans were in force, to wait for
+the Infantry to come up. Walker's command rated about
+200 men. Upon reaching the outskirts of Huamantla, the
+Mexican Cavalry were seen dashing forward into the town,
+and the brave Walker ordered a pursuit.</p>
+
+<p>Santa Anna was evidently in the town. Capt. Walker,
+says his gallant comrade Lewis, made up his mind to be the
+captor of the wily old chief. The fair prospect of accomplishing
+the deed so excited Walker, that danger and death
+were alike secondary considerations, and so the command
+charged into the town. Some 500 lancers met the charge,
+but with terrific impetuosity the Rangers and Cavalry
+dashed in among them, cutting them down right and left,
+and soon sent them flying in all directions! It was at this
+moment, says Capt. Lewis, that one of the most heroic acts
+of bravery was performed, unsurpassed, perhaps, by any act
+of personal daring during the whole war! A tremendous
+negro, a fine, manly fellow, named Dave, belonging to
+Capt. Walker, with whom he was brought up&mdash;boys together&mdash;being
+mounted, and armed with a heavy sabre,
+dashed forward down a narrow street, (up which, a detached
+body of lancers were striving to escape,) and throwing
+himself between three poised lances and the person of
+Dr. Lamar, one of the surgeons, who would have been
+most inevitably torn to atoms, Dave raised himself in his
+saddle, and with a yell, and one fell swoop, the heroic fellow
+"chopped down" a lancer, clean and clear to his saddle!
+Two lancers pierced Dave's body, and he fell from his horse, dead!</p>
+
+<p>Charging up to the Plaza&mdash;the Mexicans flying&mdash;Capt.
+Walker dismounted, with some thirty of his men, and advanced
+up a flight of steps to force an entrance into a
+church or convent, where he supposed Santa Anna was hid
+away. The flying lancers were pursued by the Rangers,
+who, very injudiciously, of course, scattered themselves over the town.</p>
+
+<p>Capt. Lewis, in the mean time, had found a large yard
+attached to a temporary garrison, in which were some sixty
+horses, equipped ready for immediate use, and which the
+Mexicans had, in their hurry to escape, left behind them!
+The irregular firing of the Rangers, in pursuit of the Mexicans,
+being deemed useless and unnecessary, Capt. Lewis
+left several of his men, among whom was "Country McCluskey,"
+the noted pugilist, a volunteer in Capt. Lewis's company,
+to guard the horses, while he rode forward to the convent.</p>
+
+<p>"Capt. Walker," said Lewis, "I deem it, sir, not only
+useless, but bad policy, to allow that firing by the men,
+around the town."</p>
+
+<p>Capt. Walker immediately ordered the firing to cease,
+and being apprized of Capt. Lewis's discovery of the
+horses, &amp;c., ordered him to bring up his command. Capt.
+Lewis wheeled his horse; some one fired close by, and
+Capt. Walker cried out&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Who was that? I'll shoot down the next man who
+fires against my orders!"</p>
+
+<p>At that moment three guns were fired from the convent&mdash;and
+simultaneously a cannon was fired down the street,
+from a party of Mexicans in the distance. Capt. Lewis
+faced about just in time to see Capt. Walker drop down
+upon the steps of the convent, as he emphatically expresses it,&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Like a lump of lead, sir!"</p>
+
+<p>The piece up the street was fired again. Capt. Lewis
+ordered the fallen, gallant Walker, to be placed upon the
+steps close to the wall. A shot from the piece alluded to
+striking off the stone and mortar, he ordered the doors to
+be forced, and Capt. Walker to be taken in, which was
+done. The bugle sounded, and in an instant a horde of
+lancers poured into the town, rushing down upon the Americans
+from every avenue! Capt. Lewis had wheeled about
+to collect his men, when he found McCluskey and others
+leading out "the pick" of the captured horses.</p>
+
+<p>"Drop&mdash;drop the horses, you fool, and mount! Mount, sir, mount!"</p>
+
+<p>They mounted fast enough; Lewis formed, and met the
+enemy in gallant style; and though there were ten, aye,
+twenty to one, possibly, he drove them back! To quote
+our friend, Major Hammond's words, "Lewis, of the Louisiana
+Cavalry, assumed command, struggled ably to preserve
+the guns (captured), and held his position fairly,
+until assistance arrived."</p>
+
+<p>One hundred and fifty of the enemy fell, while of the
+Rangers and Cavalry some twenty-five were killed and
+wounded. They were engaged nearly an hour, and the
+bravery displayed by Walker, Lewis, and their men, was
+worthy of general admiration, and all honor.</p>
+
+<p>Poor Walker! a ball struck him in the left shoulder,
+passed over his heart, and came out in his right vest pocket!</p>
+
+<p>Thus fell the gallant leader of one of the most formidable
+war parties, of its numbers, known to history. Walker
+was a humane, impulsive man; a warm friend, a brave,
+gallant soldier. His dying words were directed to Capt.
+Lewis&mdash;to keep the town, and drive back the enemy; and
+that the chivalrous Captain did so, was well proven. Capt.
+Walker, and his heroic "boy" Dave, who fell unknown to
+his master, were buried together in the earth they so lately
+stood upon, in all the glory and heroism of men that were men!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Practical_Philosophy" id="Practical_Philosophy"></a>Practical Philosophy</h2>
+
+
+<p>Skinflint and old Jack Ringbolt had a dispute on Long
+Wharf, a few days since, upon a religious <i>pint</i>. Jack argued
+the matter upon a <i>specie</i> basis, and Skinflint took to
+"moral suasion." Jack went in for equal division of labor
+and money&mdash;all over the world.</p>
+
+<p>"Suppose, now, John," says Skinflint, "we rich men
+<i>should</i> share equal with the poor&mdash;their imprudence would
+soon throw all the wealth into our hands again!"</p>
+
+<p>"Wall," says Jack, "s'pose it did! You'd only have
+to&mdash;<i>share all around again!</i>"</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="a_Ballet_Girl" id="a_Ballet_Girl"></a>Borrowed finery; or, Killed off by a Ballet Girl.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Shakspeare has written&mdash;"let him that's robbed&mdash;not
+wanting what is stolen, not know it, <i>and he's not
+robbed at all!</i>" Now this fact often becomes very apparent,
+especially so in the case of Mrs. Pompaliner,&mdash;a lady
+of whom we have had occasion to speak before, the same
+who sent Mrs. Brown, the washerwomen, sundry boxes of
+perfume to mix in her <i>suds</i>, while washing the pyramids
+of dimity and things of Mrs. P. There never was a lady&mdash;no
+member of the sex, that ever suffered more, from
+dread of contagion, fear of dirt, and the contamination of
+other people, than Mrs. Pompaliner.</p>
+
+<p>"Olivia," said she, one morning, to one of her waiting
+maids, for Mrs. Pompaliner kept three, alternating them
+upon the principle of varying her handkerchiefs, gloves and
+linen, as they&mdash;in her double-distilled refined idea of things,
+became soiled by use, from time to time. "Olivia, come
+here&mdash;Jessamine, you can leave:" she was so intent upon
+odor and nature's purest loveliness, that she either sought
+sweet-scented cognomened waiting-maids, or nick-named
+them up to the fanciful standard of her own.</p>
+
+<p>"Olivia, here, take this handkerchief away, take the horrid
+thing away. I believe my soul somebody has touched
+it after it was ironed. Do take it away," and the poor
+victim of concentrated, double extract of human extravagance,
+almost fainted and fell back upon her lounge, in a
+fit of abhorrence at the idea of her <i>mouchoir</i> being touched,
+tossed, or opened, after it entered her camphorated drawers
+in her highly-perfumed <i>boudoir</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"Olivia!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes'm," was the response of the fine, ruddy, and wholesome
+looking maid.</p>
+
+<p>"Olivia, put on your gloves."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes'm."</p>
+
+<p>"Go down to Mrs. Brown's," she faintly says&mdash;"tell her
+to come here this very day."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes'm."</p>
+
+<p>"Olivia!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes'm," replied the fine-eyed, real woman.</p>
+
+<p>"Got your gloves on?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes'm."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, take this key, go to my boudoir, in the fifth
+drawer of my <i>papier mache</i> black bureau, you will find a
+case of handkerchiefs."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes'm."</p>
+
+<p>"Take out three, yes, four, close the case, lock the
+drawer, close the boudoir door, and bring down the handkerchiefs
+upon my rosewood tray. Do you comprehend, Olivia?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes'm," said the girl.</p>
+
+<p>"But come here; let me see your hands. O, horror!
+such gloves! touch my handkerchiefs or bureau drawers
+with those horrid gloves! Poison me!" cries the terrified woman.</p>
+
+<p>"Olivia," she again ejaculates, after a moment's pause,
+from overtasked nature!</p>
+
+<p>"Yes'm," the blushing, tickled <i>blonde</i> replies.</p>
+
+<p>"Go call Vanilla, you are quite soiled now. I want a
+fresh servant, retire."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, Vanilla, girl, have you got your gloves on?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes'm," the yellow girl modestly answers.</p>
+
+<p>"Then do go and bring me six handkerchiefs from my
+boudoir, in the fifth drawer of my black <i>papier mache</i>
+bureau. Let me see your gloves, dear.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, Vanilla, you are to be depended upon; your
+gloves are clean&mdash;now run along, dear, for I'm suffering for
+a fresh, new, and untouched handkerchief.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, that's well. Now, Vanilla, go to Mrs. Brown's,
+my laundress&mdash;say that I wish her to come here, immediately."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes'm," says the bright quadroon, and away she spins
+for the domicil of democratic Mrs. Brown, the laundress.</p>
+
+<p>"Now what's up, I'd like to know?" quoth the old woman.</p>
+
+<p>"Dunno, missus wants to see you&mdash;guess you better
+come," says Vanilla.</p>
+
+<p>"Deuce take sich fussy people," says Mrs. Brown; "I
+wouldn't railly put up with all her dern'd nonsense, ef she
+wa'n't so poorly, so weak in her mind and body, and so good
+about paying for her work. No, I declare I wouldn't," said
+the strong-minded woman.</p>
+
+<p>"Bring the creature up," said Mrs. Pompaliner, as one
+of her fresh attendants announced the washerwoman.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, you are here?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said the fat, hardy, and independent, if awkward,
+Mrs. Brown, as she stood in the august presence of Mrs.
+Pompaliner, and the gorgeous trappings of her own private
+drawing-room.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I believe I am, ma'am!" says the she-democrat.</p>
+
+<p>"Vanilla, tell Olivia to bring Jessamine here."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes'm."</p>
+
+<p>"Now Mrs. a&mdash;what is your name?"</p>
+
+<p>"Brown, Dorcas Brown; my husband and I&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind, that's sufficient, Mrs. a&mdash;Brown," said
+the reclining Mrs. Pompaliner. "I wish to know if anybody
+is permitted to touch or handle any of my wardrobe,
+my linen, handkerchiefs, hose, gloves, laces, etc., in your house?"</p>
+
+<p>"Tetch 'em!" echoes the rotund laundress; "why of
+course we've got to tetch 'em, or how'd we get 'em ironed
+and put in your baskets, ma'am?"</p>
+
+<p>"Do you pretend to say, Mrs. a&mdash;Brown&mdash;O dear! dear!
+I am afraid you have ruined all my clothes!"</p>
+
+<p>"Ruined 'em?" quoth Mrs. Brown, coloring up, like a
+fresh and lively lobster immersed in a pot of highly caloric water.</p>
+
+<p>"I want to know if the things ain't been done this week
+as well as I ever did 'em, could do 'em, or anybody could
+do 'em on this mighty yeath (earth), ma'am!"</p>
+
+<p>"Come, come, don't get me flustered, woman," cries the
+poor, faint Mrs. Pompaliner. "Don't come here to worry
+me; answer me and go."</p>
+
+<p>"So I can go, ma'am!" said Mrs. Brown, with a vigorous
+toss of her bullet head.</p>
+
+<p>"Stop, will you understand me, Mrs.&mdash;a&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Brown, ma'am, Brown's my name. I ain't afeard to let
+anybody know it!" responded the spunky laundress.</p>
+
+<p>The arrival of Olivia, who ushered in Jessamine, turned
+the current of affairs.</p>
+
+<p>"Jessamine, your gloves on, dear?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes'm."</p>
+
+<p>"Then go to my <i>boudoir</i>, open the rose-wood clothes
+case, bring down the skirts, a dozen or two of the <i>mouchoirs</i>,
+the laces and hose."</p>
+
+<p>The girl departed, and soon returned with a ponderous
+paper box, laden with the articles required.</p>
+
+<p>"Now," said Mrs. Pompaliner, "now, Brown, look at
+those articles; don't you see that they have been touched?"</p>
+
+<p>"Tetched! lord-a-massy, ma'am, how'd you get 'em ironed,
+folded and brought home, ma'am, without tetching 'em?"</p>
+
+<p>"Olivia, Vanilla, where are you? Jessamine, dear, bring
+me a fresh handkerchief, ignite a <i>pastile</i>, there's such an
+odor in the room. Do you <i>smell</i>, Mrs. a&mdash;Brown, that
+horrid lavender or rose, or, or,&mdash;do you smell it, Brown?"</p>
+
+<p>"Lord-a-massy, ma'am," said the old woman of suds, "I
+ollers smell a dreadful smell here; them parfumeries o'
+yourn, I often tell my Augusty, I wonder them stinkin'&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"O! O! dear!" cries Mrs. Pompaliner, going off "into
+a spell;" recovering a little, Mrs. Pompaliner proceeds to
+state that for some time past, she had been troubled with <i>a
+presentiment</i>, that her fine clothes had been tampered with
+after leaving the smoothing iron, and how fatal to her
+would be the fact of any mortal daring to use, in the remotest
+manner, any fresh garment or personal apparel of
+hers! Suspicion had been aroused, the articles before the
+parties were now diligently examined, when, lo! a spot, not
+unlike a slight smear of vermilion, was discovered upon a
+splendid handkerchief&mdash;it gave Mrs. P. an electric shock;
+but, O horror! the next thing turned up was a <i>spangle</i>, big
+as a half dime, upon one of Mrs. P.'s most superb skirts!
+This awful revelation, connected with the smell of vile
+lavender and worse patchouly, upon another piece of woman
+gear, threw Mrs. Pompaliner into spasms, between the
+motions of which she gasped:</p>
+
+<p>"You have a daughter, Mrs. Brown?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I have."</p>
+
+<p>"How old is she?"</p>
+
+<p>"About seventeen, ma'am."</p>
+
+<p>"And she a&mdash;?"</p>
+
+<p>"Dances in the theatre, ma'am!"</p>
+
+<p>The whole thing was out: the sacred garments of Mrs. P.
+had not only been <i>touched</i> by sacrilegious hands, but had
+had an airing, and smelt the lamps of the play-house! Mrs.
+Pompaliner was so shocked, that four first-class physicians
+tended her for a whole season.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Brown lost a profitable customer, and well walloped
+her ballet-nymph daughter Augusty, for attiring herself in
+the finery of her most possibly particular and sensitive
+customer! It was awful!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Legal_Advice" id="Legal_Advice"></a>Legal Advice.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Old Ben. Franklin said it was his opinion that,
+between imprisonment and being at large in debt to
+your neighbor, there was no <i>difference</i> worthy the name of
+it. Some people have a monstrous sight of courage in
+debt, more than they have out of it, while we have known
+some, who, though not afraid to stand fire or water, shook
+in their very boots&mdash;wilted right down, before the frown of
+a creditor! A man that can <i>dun</i> to death, or stand a
+deadly <i>dun</i>, possesses talents no Christian need envy; for,
+next to Lucifer, we look upon the confirmed "diddler"
+and professional <i>dun</i>, for every ignoble trait in the character
+of mankind. A friend at our elbow has just possessed
+us of some facts so mirth-provoking, (to us, not to him,)
+that we jot them down for the amusement and information
+of suffering mankind and the rest of creation, who now
+and then get into a scrimmage with rogues, lawyers and
+law. And perhaps it may be as well to let the <i>indefatigable</i>
+tell his own story:</p>
+
+<p>"You see, Cutaway dealt with me, and though he knew
+I was dead set against <i>crediting</i> anybody, he would insist,
+and did&mdash;get into my books. I let it run along until the
+amount reached sixty dollars, and Cutaway, instead of
+stopping off and paying me up, went in deeper! Getting
+in debt seemed to make him desperate, reckless! One day
+he came in when I was out; he and his wife look around,
+and, by George! they select a handsome tea-set, worth
+twenty dollars, and my fool clerk sends it home.</p>
+
+<p>"'Tell him to <i>charge it!</i>' says Cutaway, to the boy who
+took the china home; and I did charge it.</p>
+
+<p>"The upshot of the business was, I found out that Cutaway
+was a confirmed <i>diddler</i>; he got all he wanted, when
+and where he could, upon the 'charge it' principle, and
+had become so callous to duns, that his moral compunctions
+were as tough as sole leather&mdash;bullet-proof.</p>
+
+<p>"I was vexed, I was <i>mad</i>, I determined to break one of
+my 'fixed principles,' and <i>go to law</i>; have my money,
+goods, or a row! I goes to a lawyer, states my case, gave
+him a fee and told him to go to work.</p>
+
+<p>"Cutaway, of course, received a polite invitation to step
+up to Van Nickem's office and learn something to his advantage;
+and he attended. A few days afterwards I dropped in.</p>
+
+<p>"'Your man's been here,' says Van Nickem, smilingly.</p>
+
+<p>"'Has, eh? Well, what's he done?' said I.</p>
+
+<p>"'O, he acknowledges the <i>debt</i>, says he thinks you are
+rather hurrying up the biscuits, and thinks you might have
+sent the bill to him instead of giving it to me for collection,'
+says the lawyer.</p>
+
+<p>"'Send it to him!' says I. 'Why I sent it fifty times;&mdash;sent
+my clerk until he got ashamed of going, and my boy
+went so often that his boots got into such a way of <i>going</i>
+to Cutaway's shop, that he had to change them with his
+brother, <i>when he was going anywhere else!</i>'</p>
+
+<p>"'He appears to be a clever sort of a fellow,' said Van.</p>
+
+<p>"'He <i>is</i>,' said I, 'the cleverest, most perfectly-at-home
+<i>diddler</i> in town.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Well,' said Van Nickem, 'Cutaway acknowledges the
+debt, says he's rather straightened just now, but if you'll
+give him a little more <i>time</i>, he'll fork up every cent; so if
+I were you, I'd wait a little and see.'</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I did wait. I didn't want to appear more eager
+for law than a lawyer, so I waited&mdash;three months. At the
+end of that time, early one Saturday morning, in came Cutaway.
+'Aha!' says I, 'you are going to <i>fork</i> now, at
+last; it's well you come, for I'd been <i>down</i> on you on Monday,
+bright and early!'"</p>
+
+<p>"You didn't say that to him, did you?" we observed.</p>
+
+<p>"O, bless you, <i>no</i>. I said <i>that</i> to <i>myself</i>, but I met <i>him</i>
+with a smile, and with a 'how d'ye do, Cutaway?' and in
+my excitement at the prospect of receiving the $80, which
+I then wanted the worst kind, I shook hands with him,
+asked how his family was, and got as familiar and jocular
+with him as though he was the most cherished friend I had
+in the world! Well, now what do you suppose was the
+result of that interview with Cutaway?"</p>
+
+<p>"Paid you a portion, or all of your bill against him, we
+suppose," was our response.</p>
+
+<p>"Not by a long shot; with the coolness of a pirate he
+asked me to credit him for a handsome wine-tray, a dozen
+cut goblets and glasses, and a pair of decanters; he expected
+some friends from New York that evening, was
+going to give them a 'set out' at his house, and one of the
+guests, in consideration of former favors rendered by him,
+was pledged&mdash;being a man of wealth&mdash;to loan him enough
+funds to pay his debts, and take up a mortgage on his residence."</p>
+
+<p>"You laughed at his impudence, and kicked him out into
+the street?" said we.</p>
+
+<p>"I hope I may be hung if I didn't let him have the
+goods, and he took them home with him, swearing by all
+that was good and bad, he would settle with me early the
+following Monday morning. I saw no more of <i>him</i> for
+two weeks! I went to Van Nickem's, he laughed at me.
+The bill was now $100. I was raging. I told Van Nickem
+I'd have my money out of Cutaway, or I'd advertise
+him for a villain, swindler, and scoundrel."</p>
+
+<p>"'He'd sue you for libel, and obtain damages,' said Van.</p>
+
+<p>"'Then I'll horsewhip him, sir, within an inch of his
+life, in the open street!' said I, in a heat.</p>
+
+<p>"'You might <i>rue</i> that,' said Van. 'He'd sue you for
+an assault, and give you trouble and expense.'</p>
+
+<p>"'Then I suppose I can do nothing, eh?&mdash;the <i>law</i> being
+<i>made</i> for the benefit of such villains!'</p>
+
+<p>"'We will arrest him,' said Van.</p>
+
+<p>"'Well, then what?' said I.</p>
+
+<p>"'We will haul him up to the bull ring, we will have
+the money, attach his property, goods or chattels, or clap
+him in jail, sir!' said Van Nickem, with an air of determination.</p>
+
+<p>"I felt relieved; the hope of putting the rascal in jail,
+I confess, was dearer to me than the $100. I told Van to
+go it, give the rascal jessy, and Van did; but after three
+weeks' vexatious litigation, Cutaway went to jail, swore
+out, and, to my mortification, I learned that he had
+been through that sort of process so often that, like the
+old woman's skinned eels, he was used to it, and rather
+liked the sensation than otherwise! Well, saddled with
+the costs, foiled, gouged, swindled, and laughed at, you
+may fancy my feelinks, as Yellow Plush remarks."</p>
+
+<p>"So you lost the $100&mdash;got whipped, eh?" we remarked.</p>
+
+<p>"No, <i>sir</i>," said our litigious friend. "I cornered him, I
+got old Cutaway in a tight place at last, and that's the pith
+of the transaction. Cutaway, having swindled and shaved
+about half the community with whom he <i>had</i> any transactions,&mdash;got
+his affairs all fixed smooth and quiet, and with
+his family was off for California. I got wind of it,&mdash;Van
+Nickem and I had a conference.</p>
+
+<p>"'We'll have him,' says Van. 'Find out what time he
+sails, where the vessel is, &amp;c.; lay back until a few hours
+before the vessel is to cut loose, then go down, get the fellow
+ashore if you can, talk to him, soft soap him, ask him
+if he won't pay if he has luck in California, &amp;c., and so on,
+and when you've got him a hundred yards from the vessel,
+knock him down, pummel him well; I'll have an officer
+ready to arrest both of you for breach of the peace; when
+you are brought up, I'll have a <i>charge</i> made out against
+Cutaway for something or other, and if he don't fork out
+and clear, I'm mistaken,' said Van. I followed his advice
+to the letter; I pummelled Cutaway well; we were taken
+up and fined, and Cutaway was in a great hurry to say but
+little and get off. But Van and the <i>writ</i> appeared. Cutaway
+looked streaked&mdash;he was alarmed. In two hours' time
+he disgorged not only my bill, but a bill of forty dollars
+costs! He then cut for the ship, the meanest looking white
+man you ever saw!"</p>
+
+<p>If Mr. Cutaway don't take the <i>force</i> of that moral, <i>salt</i>
+won't save him.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="of_the_Day" id="of_the_Day"></a>Wonders of the Day.</h2>
+
+
+<p>The "firm" who save a hogshead of ink, annually, by
+not allowing their clerks and book-keepers to dot their
+i's or cross their t's, are now bargaining (with the old
+school gentlemen who split a knife that cost a fourpence,
+in skinning a flea for his hide and tallow!) for a two-pronged
+pen, which cuts short business letters and printed
+bill-heads, by enabling a clerk to write on both sides of the
+paper, two lines at a time. Great improvement on the old
+method, ain't it?</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Know_You_Sir" id="Know_You_Sir"></a>"Don't Know You, Sir!"</h2>
+
+
+<p>We shall never forget, and always feel proud of the
+fact, that we <i>knew</i> so great an every-day <i>Plato</i> as
+Davy Crockett. Had the old Colonel never uttered a better
+idea than that everlasting good motto&mdash;"Be sure you're
+right, then go ahead!" his wisdom would stand a pretty
+good wrestle with tide and time, before his standing, as a
+man of genius, would pass to oblivion&mdash;be washed out in
+Lethe's waters. We remember hearing Col. Crockett relate,
+during a "speech," a short time before he lost his life
+at the <i>Alamo</i>, in Texas&mdash;a little incident, of his being taken
+up in New Orleans, one night, by a <i>gen d'arme</i>&mdash;lugged to
+the calaboose, and kept there as an out-and-out "hard
+case," not being able to find any body, hardly, that knew
+him, and being totally unable to reconcile the chief of police
+to the fact that he <i>was</i> the identical Davy Crockett, or
+any body else, above par! "If you want to find out your
+'level,'&mdash;<i>ad valorem</i>, wake up some morning, noon or night&mdash;<i>where
+nobody knows you!</i>" said the Colonel, "and if
+you ever feel so essentially chawed up, <i>raw</i>, as I did in the
+calaboose, the Lord pity you!"</p>
+
+<p>There was a "modern instance" of Colonel Crockett's
+"wise saw," in the case of a certain Philadelphia millionaire,
+who was in the habit of <i>carting</i> himself out, in a very
+ancient and excessively shabby gig; which, in consequence
+of its utter ignorance of the stable-boy's brush, sponge or
+broom, and the hospitalities the old concern nightly offered
+the hens&mdash;was not exactly the kind of <i>equipage</i> calculated
+to win attention or marked respect, for the owner and driver.
+The old millionaire, one day in early October, took
+it into his head to ride out and see the country. Taking
+an early start, the old gentleman, and his old bob-tailed,
+frost-bitten-looking horse, with that same old shabby gig,
+about dusk, found themselves under the swinging sign of a
+Pennsylvania Dutch tavern, in the neighborhood of Reading.
+As nobody bestirred themselves to see to the traveller,
+he put his very old-fashioned face and wig outside of
+the vehicle, and called&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Hel-lo! hos-e-lair? Landlord?"</p>
+
+<p>Leisurely stalking down the steps, the Dutch hostler advanced
+towards the queer and questionable travelling equipage.</p>
+
+<p>"Vel, vot you vont, ah?"</p>
+
+<p>"Vat sal I vant? I sal vant to put oup my hoss, vis-ze
+stab'l, viz two pecks of oats and plenty of hay, hos-e-lair."</p>
+
+<p>"Yaw," was the laconic grunt of the hostler, as he proceeded
+to unhitch old bald-face from his rigging.</p>
+
+<p>"Stop one little," said the traveller. "I see 'tis very
+mosh like to rain, to-night; put up my gig in ze stab'l, too."</p>
+
+<p>"Boosh, tonner and blitzen, der rain not hurt yer ole gig!"</p>
+
+<p>"I pay you for vat you sal do for me, mind vat I sal
+say, sair, if you pleaze."</p>
+
+<p>The hostler, very surlily, led the traveller's weary old
+brute to the stable; but, prior to carrying out the orders
+of the traveller, he sought the landlord, to know if it would
+<i>pay</i> to put up the shabby concern, and treat the old horse
+to a real feed of hay and oats, without making some inquiries
+into the financial situation of the old Frenchman.</p>
+
+<p>The landlord, with a country lawyer and a neighboring
+farmer, were at the <i>Bar</i>, one of those old-fashioned <i>slatted</i>
+coops, in a corner, peculiar to Pennsylvania, discussing the
+merits of a law suit, seizure of the property, &amp;c., of a deceased
+tiller of the soil, in the vicinity. Busily chatting,
+and quaffing their <i>toddy</i>, the entrance of the poor old
+traveller was scarcely noticed, until he had divested himself
+of his old, many-caped cloak, and demurely taken a seat in
+the room. The hostler having reappeared, and talked a
+little Dutch to the host, that worthy turned to the traveller&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Good even'ns, thravel'r!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sair;" pleasantly responded the Frenchman, "a little."</p>
+
+<p>"You got a hoss, eh?" continued the landlord.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sair, I vish ze hostlair to give mine hoss plenty to
+eat&mdash;plenty hay, plenty oats, plenty watair, sair."</p>
+
+<p>"Yaw," responded the landlord, "den, Jacob, give'm der
+oats, and der hay, and der water;" and, with this brief
+direction to his subordinate, the landlord turned away from
+the way-worn traveller to resume his conversation with his
+more, apparently, influential friends. The old Frenchman
+very patiently waited until the discussion should cease, and
+the landlord's ear be disengaged, that he might be apprized
+of the fact that travellers had stomachs, and that of the
+old French gentleman was highly <i>incensed</i> by long delay,
+and more particularly by the odorous fumes of roast fowls,
+ham and eggs, &amp;c., issuing from the inner portion of the tavern.</p>
+
+<p>"Landlord, I vil take suppair, if you please," said he.</p>
+
+<p>"Yaw; after dese gentlemans shall eat der suppers, den
+somesing will be prepared for you."</p>
+
+<p>"Sair!" said the old Frenchman, firing up; "I vill not
+vait for ze shentilmen; I vant my suppair now, directly&mdash;right
+away; I not vait for nobody, sair!"</p>
+
+<p>"If you no like 'em, den you go off, out mine house,"
+answered the old sour krout, "you old barber!"</p>
+
+<p>"Bar-bair!" gasped the old Frenchman, in suppressed
+rage. "Sair, I vill go no where, I vill stay here so long,
+by gar, as&mdash;as&mdash;as I please, sair!"</p>
+
+<p>"Are you aware, sir," interposed the legal gentleman,
+"that you are rendering gross and offensive, malicious and
+libellous, scandalous and burglarious language to this gentleman,
+in his own domicile, with malice prepense and aforethought, and a &mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Pooh! pooh! <i>pooh!</i> for you, sair!" testily replied the Frenchman.</p>
+
+<p>"Pooh? To me, sir? <i>Me, sir?</i>" bullyingly echoed Blackstone.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sair&mdash;pooh&mdash;<i>pooh!</i> von geese, sair!"</p>
+
+<p>It were vain to try to depict the rage of wounded pride,
+the insolence of a travelling <i>barber</i> had stirred up in the
+very face of the man of law, logic, and legal lore. He
+swelled up, blowed and strutted about like a <i>miffed</i> gobbler
+in a barn yard! He tried to cork down his rage, but it
+bursted forth&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"You&mdash;you&mdash;you infernal old frog-eating, soap and
+lather, you&mdash;you&mdash;you smoke-dried, one-eyed,<a name="FNanchor_B_2" id="FNanchor_B_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_B_2" class="fnanchor">[B]</a> poor old
+wretch, you, if it wasn't for pity's sake, I'd have you taken
+up and put in the county jail, for vagrancy, I would, you
+poverty-stricken old rascal!"</p>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_B_2" id="Footnote_B_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_B_2"><span class="label">[B]</span></a> Girard, it will be remembered, had but one eye. With that, however,
+he saw as much as many do with a full pair of eyes.</p></div>
+
+<p>"Jacob!" bawled the landlord, to his sub., "bring out
+der ole hoss again, pefore he die mit de crows, in mine stable;
+now, you ole fool, you shall go vay pout your bishenish
+mit nossin to eat, mit yer hoss too!" said the landlord, with
+an evident rush of blood and beer to his head!</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, veri well," patiently answered the old Frenchman,
+"veri well, sair, I sal go&mdash;but,"&mdash;shaking his finger very
+significantly at the landlord and lawyer, "I com' back to-morrow
+morning, I buy dis prop-er-tee; you, sir, sal make
+de deed in my name&mdash;I kick you out, sair, (to the landlord,)
+and to you (the lawyer), I sal like de goose. Booh!"</p>
+
+<p>With this, the poor old Frenchman started for his gig,
+amid the "Haw! haw! haw! and ha! ha! he! he!"
+of the landlord and lawyer. "That for you," said the
+Frenchman, as he gave the surly Dutchman-hostler a real
+half-dollar, took the dirty "ribbons" and drove off. Now,
+the farmer, one of the three spectators present, had quietly
+watched the proceedings, and being <i>gifted</i> with enough insight
+into human nature to see something more than "an
+old French barber" in the person and manner of the traveller;
+and, moreover, being interested in the Tavern property,
+followed the Frenchman; overtaking him, he at once
+offered him the hospitalities of his domicile, not far distant,
+where the traveller passed a most comfortable night, and
+where his host found out that he was entertaining no less a
+pecuniary miracle of his time&mdash;<i>than Stephen Girard</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Early next morning, old Stephy, in his old and <i>shady</i>
+gig, accompanied by his entertainer, rode over to the two
+owners of the Tavern property, and with them sought the
+<i>lawyer</i>, the deeds were made out, the old Frenchman <i>drew</i>
+on his own Bank for the $13,000, gave the farmer a ten
+years' <i>lease</i> upon the place, paid the lawyer for his trouble,
+and as that worthy accompanied the millionaire to the door,
+and was very obsequiously bowing him out, old Stephy
+turned around on the steps, and looking sharp&mdash;with his one
+eye upon the lawyer, says he&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Sair! Pooh! pooh!&mdash;<i>Booh!</i>" off he rode for the
+Tavern, where he and the landlord had a <i>haze</i>, the landlord
+was notified to <i>leave</i>, short metre; and being fully revenged
+for the insult paid his millions, old Stephen Girard, the
+great Philadelphia financier, rode back to where he was
+better used for his money, and evidently better satisfied than
+ever, that money is mighty when brought to bear upon an object!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Circumlocutory_Egg_Pedler" id="Circumlocutory_Egg_Pedler"></a>A Circumlocutory Egg Pedler.</h2>
+
+
+<p>We have been, frequently, much amused with the
+man&oelig;uvring of some folks in trade. It's not your
+cute folks, who screw, twist and twirl over a smooth fourpence,
+or skin a flea for its hide and tallow, and spoil a knife
+that cost a shilling,&mdash;that come out first best in the long
+run. Some folks have a weakness for beating down shop-keepers,
+or anybody else they deal with, and so far have we
+seen this <i>infirmity</i> carried, that we candidly believe we've
+known persons that would not stop short of cheapening
+the passage to kingdom come, if they thought a dollar and
+two cents might be saved in the fare! Now the <i>rationale</i>
+of the matter is this:&mdash;as soon as persons establish a reputation
+for meanness&mdash;beating down folks, they fall victims
+to all sorts of shaves and short commons, and have the fine
+Saxony drawn over their eyes&mdash;from the nose to the occiput;
+they get the meanest "bargains," offals, &amp;c., that
+others would hardly have, even at a heavy discount. Then
+some folks are so wonderful sharp, too, that we wonder
+their very shadow does not often cut somebody. A friend
+of ours went to buy his wife a pair of gaiters; he brought
+them home; she found all manner of fault with them;
+among other drawbacks, she declared that for the price her
+better half had given for the gaiters, <i>she</i> could have got
+the best article in Waxend's entire shop! <i>He</i> said <i>she</i>
+had better take them back and try. So she did, and poor
+Mr. Waxend had an hour of his precious time used up by
+the lady's attempt to get a more expensive pair of gaiters
+at a less price than those purchased by her husband. Waxend
+saw how matters stood, so he consented to adopt the
+maxim of&mdash;when Greek meets Greek, then comes the tug of war!</p>
+
+<p>"Now, marm," said he, "here is a pair of gaiters I have
+made for Mrs. Heavypurse; they are just your fit, most expensive
+material, the best article in the shop; Mrs. Heavypurse
+will not expect them for a few days, and rather than
+<i>you</i> should be disappointed, I will let <i>you</i> have them for
+the same price your husband paid for those common ones!"</p>
+
+<p>Of course Mrs. &mdash;&mdash; took them, went home in great
+glee, and told her better half she'd never trust him to go
+shopping for her again&mdash;for they always cheated him.
+When the husband came to scrutinize his wife's bargain,
+lo! he detected the self-same gaiters&mdash;merely with a different
+quality of lacings in them! He, like a philosopher,
+grinned and said nothing. That illustrates one phase in
+the character of some people who "go it blind" on "bargains"
+and now, for the pith of our story&mdash;the way some
+folks have of going round "Robin Hood's barn" to come
+at a thing.</p>
+
+<p>The other day we stopped into a friend's store to see how
+he was getting along, and presently in came a rural-district-looking customer.</p>
+
+<p>"How'd do?" says he, to the storekeeper, who was
+busy, keeping the stove warm.</p>
+
+<p>"Pretty well; how is it with you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, so, so; how's all the folks?"</p>
+
+<p>"Middling&mdash;middling, sir. How's all your folks?"</p>
+
+<p>"Tolerable&mdash;yes, tolerable," says the rural gent. "How's
+trade?" he ventured to inquire.</p>
+
+<p>"Dull, ray-ther dull," responded the storekeeper. "Come
+take a seat by the stove, Mr. Smallpotatoes."</p>
+
+<p>"Thank you, I guess not," says the ruralite. "Your
+folks are all stirring, eh?" he added.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, stirring around a little, sir. How's your mother
+got?" the storekeeper inquired, for it appeared he knew
+the man.</p>
+
+<p>"Poorly, dreadful poorly, yet," was the reply. "Cold
+weather, you see, sort o' sets the old lady back."</p>
+
+<p>"I suppose so," responded our friend; and here, think's
+we, if there is anything important or business like on the
+man's mind, he must be near to its focus. But he started again&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Ain't goin' to Californy, then, are you?" says Mr. Smallpotatoes.</p>
+
+<p>"Guess not," said our friend. "You talked of going, I believe?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, ye-e-e-s, I did think of it," said the rural gent;
+"I did think of it last fall, but I kind o' gin it up."</p>
+
+<p>Here another <i>hiatus</i> occurred; the rural gent walked
+around, viewed the goods and chattels for some minutes;
+then says he&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Guess I'll be movin'," and of course that called forth
+from our friend the venerated expression&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"What's your hurry?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, nothing 'special. Plaguy cold winter we've got!"</p>
+
+<p>"That's a fact," answered the storekeeper. "How's
+sleighing out your way&mdash;good?"</p>
+
+<p>"First rate; I guess the folks have had enough of it,
+this winter, by jolly. I hev, any how," says the rural gent.
+"Trade's dull, eh?"</p>
+
+<p>"Very&mdash;very <i>slack</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"Dullest time of the year, I reckon, ain't it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Pretty much so, indeed," says the storekeeper.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't see's Californy goold gets much plentier, or
+business much better, nowhere."</p>
+
+<p>To this bit of cogent reason our friend replied&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Not much&mdash;that's a fact."</p>
+
+<p>"I 'spect there's a good deal of humbug about the
+Californy goold mines, don't you?"</p>
+
+<p>"The wealth of the country or the ease of coming at it,"
+said the storekeeper, "is no doubt exaggerated some."</p>
+
+<p>"That's my opinion on't too," said the agriculturist.
+"Some make money out there, and then agin some don't;
+I reckon more don't than does." To this bright inference
+the storekeeper ventured to say&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"I think it's highly <i>probable</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"All your folks are lively, eh?" inquired Smallpotatoes.</p>
+
+<p>"Pretty much so," said the storekeeper; "troubled a
+little with influenza, colds, &amp;c.; nothing serious, however."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I'm glad to hear it."</p>
+
+<p>"All your folks are well, I believe you said?" the storekeeper,
+in apparent solicitude, inquired, to be reassured
+of the fact.</p>
+
+<p>"Ye-e-e-s, exceptin' the old lady."</p>
+
+<p>Another pause; we began to feel convinced there was
+speculation in the rural gent's "eyes," and just for the fun
+of the thing&mdash;as we "were up" to such dodges&mdash;we determined
+to hang on and see how he come out.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I declare, I must be goin'!" suddenly said the
+rural gent, and actually made five steps towards the handle
+of the door.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't be in a hurry," echoed the storekeeper. "When
+did you come in town?"</p>
+
+<p>"I come in this mornin'."</p>
+
+<p>"Any of the folks in with you?"</p>
+
+<p>"No; my wife did want to come in, but concluded it was
+too cold; 'spected some of your folks out to see us durin'
+this good sleighing&mdash;why didn't you come?"</p>
+
+<p>"Couldn't very well spare time," said the storekeeper.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, we'd been glad to see you, and if you get time,
+and the sleighin' holds out, you must come and see us."</p>
+
+<p>"I may&mdash;I can't promise for certain."</p>
+
+<p>Now another pause took place, and thinks we&mdash;the climax
+has come, surely, after all that small talk. The country
+gent walked deliberately to the door; he actually took hold
+of the knob.</p>
+
+<p>"You off?" says the storekeeper.</p>
+
+<p>"B'lieve I'll be off"&mdash;opening the door, then rushes
+back again&mdash;semi-excited by the force of some pent up
+idea, says the rural gent&mdash;"O! Mr. &mdash;&mdash;, <i>don't you want
+to buy some good fresh eggs</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>"Eggs? Yes, I do; been looking all around for some
+fresh eggs; how many have you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Five dozen; thought you'd want some; so I come right in to see!"</p>
+
+<p>We nearly catapillered! After all this circumlocution,
+the man came to the <i>pint</i>, and&mdash;sold his eggs in two minutes!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Jolly_Old_Times" id="Jolly_Old_Times"></a>Jolly Old Times.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Either mankind or his constitution has changed since
+"the good old times," for we read in an old medicine book,
+that bleeding at the nose, and cramp, could be effectually
+prevented by wearing a dried toad in a bag at the pit of
+the stomach; while for rheumatism and consumption, a
+snake skin worn in the crown of your hat, was a sovereign
+remedy! Dried toads and snake skins are quite out of use
+around these settlements, and we think the Esculapius who
+would recommend such nostrums, would be looked upon as
+a poor devil with a fissure in his cranium, liable to cause his
+brains to become weather-beaten! We remember hearing of
+a learned old cuffy, who lived down "dar" near Tallahassee,
+who invariably recommended cayenne pepper in the eye to
+cure the toothache! Had this venerable old colored gem'n
+lived 200 years ago, he would doubtless have created a
+sensation in the medical circles!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Pigeon_Express_Man" id="Pigeon_Express_Man"></a>The Pigeon Express Man.</h2>
+
+
+<p>In nearly all yarns or plays in which Yankees figure,
+they are supposed to be "a leetle teu darn'd ceute" for
+almost any body else, creating a heap of fun, and coming
+out clean ahead; but that even Connecticut Yankees&mdash;the
+cutest and all firedest <i>tight</i> critters on the face of the <i>yearth</i>,
+when money or trade's in the question&mdash;are "<i>done</i>" now and
+then, upon the most scientific principles, we are going to prove.</p>
+
+<p>It is generally known, in the newspaper world, that two
+or three Eastern men, a few years ago, started a paper in
+Philadelphia, upon the penny principle, and have since
+been rewarded as they deserved. They were, and are,
+men of great enterprise and liberality, as far as their
+business is concerned, and thereby they got ahead of all
+competition, and made their <i>pile</i>. The proprietors were
+always "fly" for any new dodge, by which they could keep
+the lead of things, and monopolize the <i>news</i> market. The
+Telegraph had not "turned up" in the day of which we
+write&mdash;the <i>mails</i>, and, now and then, express horse lines,
+were the media through which <i>Great Excitements! Alarming
+Events!! Great Fires and Awful Calamities!!</i> were
+come at. One morning, as one of these gentlemen was
+sitting in his office, a long, lank genius, with a visage as
+hatchet-faced and keen as any Connecticut Yankee's on
+record, came in, and inquired of one of the clerks for
+the proprietors of that institution. Being pointed out,
+the thin man made a <i>lean</i> towards him. After getting
+close up, and twisting and screwing around his head to see
+that nobody was listening or looking, the lean man sat
+down very gingerly upon the extreme verge of a chair, and
+leaning forward until his razor-made nose almost touched
+that of the publisher, in a low, nasal, anxious tone, says he,</p>
+
+<p>"Air yeou one of the publishers of this paper?"</p>
+
+<p>"I am, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yeou, sir!" said the visitor, again looking suspiciously
+around and about him.</p>
+
+<p>"Did you ever hear tell of the <i>Pigeon Express</i>?" he continued.</p>
+
+<p>"The Pigeon Express?" echoed the publisher.</p>
+
+<p>"Ya-a-s. Carrier pigeons&mdash;letters to their l-e-g-s and
+newspapers under their wings&mdash;trained to fly any where
+you warnt 'em."</p>
+
+<p>"Carrier Pigeons," mused the publisher&mdash;"Carrier&mdash;pigeons
+trained to carry billets&mdash;bulletins and&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Go frum fifty to a hundred miles an hour!" chimed in
+the stranger.</p>
+
+<p>"True, so they say, very true," continued the publisher, musingly.</p>
+
+<p>"Elegant things for gettin' or sendin' noos head of every body else."</p>
+
+<p>"Precisely: that's a fact, that's a fact," the other responded,
+rising from his chair and pacing the floor, as
+though rather and decidedly <i>taken</i> by the novelty and feasibility
+of the operation.</p>
+
+<p>"You'd have 'em all, Mister, dead as mutton, by a Pigeon Express."</p>
+
+<p>"I like the idea; good, first rate!"</p>
+
+<p>"Can't be beat, noheow!" said the stranger.</p>
+
+<p>"But what would it cost?"</p>
+
+<p>"Two hundred dollars, and a small wagon, to begin on."</p>
+
+<p>"A small wagon?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ya-a-s. Yeou see, Mister, the birds haff to be trained
+to fly from one <i>pint</i> to another!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; well?"</p>
+
+<p>"Wa-a-ll, yeou see the birds are put in a box, on the
+top of the bildin', for a spell, teu git the <i>hang</i> of things,
+and so on!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, very well; go on."</p>
+
+<p>"Then the birds are put in a cage, the trainer takes 'em
+into his wagon&mdash;ten miles at first&mdash;throws 'em up, and the
+birds go to the bildin'. Next day fifteen miles, and so forth; yeou see?"</p>
+
+<p>"Perfectly; I understand; now, where can these birds be had?"</p>
+
+<p>Putting his thin lips close to the publisher's opening
+ears, in a low, long way, says the stranger&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>I've got 'em!</i> R-a-l-e Persian birds&mdash;be-e-utis!"</p>
+
+<p>"You understand training them?" says the anxious publisher.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Like a book</i>," the stranger responded.</p>
+
+<p>"Where are the birds?" the publisher inquired.</p>
+
+<p>"I've got 'em down to the tavern, where I'm stoppin'."</p>
+
+<p>"Bring them up; let me see them; let me see them!"</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly, Mister, of course," responded the Pigeon express
+man, leaving the presence of the tickled-to-death publisher,
+who paced his office as full of effervescence as a
+jimmyjohn of spruce beer in dog days.</p>
+
+<p>About this time pigeons were being trained, and in a few
+cases, now and then, really did carry messages for lottery ticket
+venders in Jersey City, to Philadelphia, Wilmington, and Baltimore;
+but these exploits rarely paid first cost, and did not
+amount to much, although some noise was made about the
+wonderful performance of certain Carrier Pigeons. But
+the <i>paper</i> was to have a new impulse&mdash;astonish all creation
+and the rest of mankind, by Pigeon Express. The
+publisher's partner was in New York, fishing for novelties,
+and he determined to astonish him, on his return home,
+by the <i>bird business!</i> A coop was fixed on the top of the
+"bildin'," as the great inventor of the express had
+suggested. The wagon was bought, and, with two hundred
+dollars in for funds, passed over to the pigeon express man,
+who, in the course of a few days, takes the birds into his
+wagon, to take them out some few miles, throw them up, and
+the publisher and a confidential friend were to be on top
+of the "bildin'," looking out for them.</p>
+
+<p>They kept looking!&mdash;they saw something werry like a
+whale, but a good deal like a first-rate bad "<i>Sell!</i>" The
+lapse of a few days was quite sufficient to convince the
+publisher that he had been taken in and done for&mdash;regularly
+<i>picked up</i> and done for,&mdash;upon the most approved and
+scientific principles. Rather than let the cat out of the bag,
+he made up his mind to pocket the <i>shave</i> and keep shady,
+not even "letting on to his partner," who in the course
+of the following week returned from Gotham, evidently
+feeling as fine as silk, about something or other.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, what's new in New York&mdash;got hold of any thing
+rich?" was the first interrogatory.</p>
+
+<p>"Hi-i-i-sh! close the door!" was the reply, indicating
+something very important on the <i>tapis</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"So; my dear fellow, I've got a concern, now, that will
+put the sixpennies to sleep as sound as rocks!"</p>
+
+<p>"No. What have you started in Gotham?"</p>
+
+<p>"Exactly. If you don't own up the corn, that the idea
+is grand&mdash;immense&mdash;I'll knock under."</p>
+
+<p>"Good! I'm glad&mdash;particularly glad you've found something
+new and startling," responded the other. "Well,
+what is it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Great!&mdash;wonderful!&mdash;<i>Carrier Pigeons!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"What! Pigeons?"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Pigeons!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"You don't pretend to say that&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir, all arranged&mdash;luckiest fellows alive, we are&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, but&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, don't be uneasy&mdash;I fixed it."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I'm hanged if this isn't rich!" muttered his
+partner, sticking his digits into his trowserloons&mdash;biting his
+lips and stamping around.</p>
+
+<p>"Rich! <i>elegant!</i> In two weeks we'll be flying our birds and&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Flying! Why, do you&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Ha! ha! I knew I'd astonish you; Tom insisted on
+my keeping perfectly <i>mum</i>, until things were in regular
+working order; he then set the boys to work&mdash;we have
+large cages on top of the building&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Come up on top of this building," said the partner, solemnly.
+"There, do you see that bundle of laths and stuff?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why&mdash;why, you don't pretend to say that&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"I do exactly; a scamp came along here a week ago&mdash;talked
+nothing but Carrier Pigeons&mdash;Pigeon Expresses&mdash;I
+thought I'd surprise you, and&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, well&mdash;go on."</p>
+
+<p>"And by thunder I was green enough to give the fellow
+$200&mdash;a horse and wagon&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Done! <i>done!</i>" roared the other, without waiting for
+further particulars&mdash;"$200 and a horse and wagon&mdash;just
+what Tom and I gave the scamp! ha! ha! ha!"</p>
+
+<p>"Haw! haw! haw!" and the publishers roared under
+the force of the <i>joke</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Whatever became of the pigeon express man is not distinctly
+known; but he is supposed to have given up the bird
+business, and gone into the manufacture of woolly horses
+and cod-liver oil.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Great_Dinner_Party" id="Great_Dinner_Party"></a>Jipson's Great Dinner Party.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Well, you must do it."</p>
+
+<p>"Do it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Do it, sir," reiterated the lady of Jipson, a man well
+enough to <i>do</i> in the world, chief clerk of a "sugar baker,"
+and receiving his twenty hundred dollars a year, with no
+perquisites, however, and&mdash;plenty of New Hampshire contingencies,
+(to quote our beloved man of the million, Theodore
+Parker,) poor relations.</p>
+
+<p>"But, my dear Betsey, do you <i>know</i>, will you consider
+for once, that to <i>do</i> a thing of the kind&mdash;to splurge out like
+Tannersoil, one must expect&mdash;at least I do&mdash;to sink a full
+<i>quarter</i> of my salary, for the current year; yes, a full quarter?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! very well, if you are going to live up here" (Jipson
+had just moved up above "Bleecker street,")&mdash;"and bought
+your carriage, and engaged&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Two extra servant girls," chimed in Jipson.</p>
+
+<p>"And a groom, sir," continued Mrs. J.</p>
+
+<p>"And gone into at least six hundred to eight hundred
+dollars a year extra expenses, to&mdash;a&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"To gratify yourself, and&mdash;a&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Your&mdash;a&mdash;a&mdash;your vanity, Madam, you should have
+said, my dear."</p>
+
+<p>"Don't talk that way to me&mdash;to me&mdash;you brute; you know&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"I know all about it, my dear."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>My dear</i>&mdash;bah!" said the lady; "my <i>dear!</i> save that,
+Mr. Jipson, for some of your&mdash;a&mdash;a&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>What Mrs. J. might have said, we scarce could judge;
+but Jipson just then put in a "rejoinder" calculated to
+prevent the umpullaceous tone of Mrs. J.'s remarks, by
+saying, in a very humble strain&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Mrs. Jipson, don't make an ass of yourself: we are too
+old to act like goslings, and too well acquainted, I hope,
+with the matters-of-fact of every-day life, to quarrel about
+things beyond our reach or control."</p>
+
+<p>"If you talk of things beyond your control, Mr. Jipson,
+I mean beyond your reach, that your income will not permit
+us to live as other people live&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"I wouldn't like to," interposed Jipson.</p>
+
+<p>"What?" asked Mrs. Jipson.</p>
+
+<p>"Live like other people&mdash;that is, some people, Mrs.
+Jipson, that I know of."</p>
+
+<p>"You don't suppose <i>I'm</i> going to bury myself and my
+poor girls in this big house, and have those servants standing
+about me, their fingers in their mouths, with nothing to do but&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"But what?"</p>
+
+<p>"But cook, and worry, and slave, and keep shut up for a&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"For what?"</p>
+
+<p>"For a&mdash;a&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>But Mrs. J. was stuck. Jipson saw that; he divined
+what a <i>point</i> Mrs. J. was about to, but could not conscientiously
+make, so he relieved her with&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"My dear Betsey, it's a popular fallacy, an exploded
+idea, a contemptible humbug, to live merely for your neighbors,
+the rabble world at large. Thousands do it, my dear,
+and I've no objection to their doing it; it's their own business,
+and none of mine. I have moved up town because I
+thought it would be more pleasant; I bought a modest
+kind of family carriage because I could afford it, and believed
+it would add to our recreations and health; the carriage
+and horses required care; I engaged a man to attend
+to them, fix up the garden, and be useful generally, and
+added a girl or two to your domestic departments, in order to
+lighten your own cares, &amp;c. Now, all this, my dear woman,
+you ought to know, rests a very important responsibility
+upon my shoulders, health, life, and&mdash;two thousand dollars
+a year, and if you imagine it compatible with common sense,
+or consonant with my judgment, to make an ass or fool of
+myself, by going into the extravagances and tom-fooleries
+of Tannersoil, our neighbor over the way, who happens for
+the time to be 'under government,' with a salary of nothing
+to speak of, but with stealings equal to those of a successful
+freebooter, you&mdash;you&mdash;you have placed a&mdash;a bad estimate
+upon my common sense, Madam."</p>
+
+<p>With this flaring burst of eloquence, Jipson seized his
+hat, gloves and cane, and soon might be seen an elderly,
+natty, well-shaved, slightly-flushed gentleman taking his
+seat in a down town bound <i>bus</i>, en route for the sugar
+bakery of the firm of Cutt, Comeagain, &amp; Co. It was
+evident, however, from the frequency with which Jipson
+plied his knife and rubber to his "figgers" of the day's
+accounts, and the tremulousness with which he drove the
+porcupine quill, that Jipson was thinking of something else!</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Jipson, I wish you'd square up that account of
+Look, Sharp, &amp; Co., to-day," said Mr. Cutt, entering the
+counting room.</p>
+
+<p>"All folly!" said Jipson, scratching out a mistake from
+his day-book, and not heeding the remark, though he saw
+the person of his employer.</p>
+
+<p>"Eh?" was the ejaculation of Cutt.</p>
+
+<p>"All folly!"</p>
+
+<p>"I don't understand you, sir!" said Cutt, in utter astonishment.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! I beg pardon, sir," said poor Jipson; "I beg
+pardon, sir. Engrossed in a little affair of my own, I quite
+overlooked your observation. I will attend to the account
+of Look, Sharp, &amp; Co., at once, sir;" and while Jipson was
+at it, his employer went out, wondering what in faith could
+be the matter with Jipson, a man whose capacity and gentlemanly
+deportment the firm had tested to their satisfaction
+for many years previous. The little <i>incident</i> was mentioned
+to the partner, Comeagain. The firm first laughed, then
+wondered what was up to disturb the usual equilibrium of
+Jipson, and ended by hoping he hadn't taken to drink or nothing!</p>
+
+<p>"Guess I'd better do it," soliloquizes Jipson. "My wife
+is a good woman enough, but like most women, lets her
+vanity trip up her common sense, now and then; she feels
+cut down to know that Tannersoil's folks are plunging out
+with dinners and evening parties, troops of company, piano
+going, and bawling away their new fol-de-rol music. Yes,
+guess I'll do it.</p>
+
+<p>"Mrs. Jipson little calculates the horrors&mdash;not only in a
+pecuniary, but domestic sense&mdash;that these dinners, suppers
+and parties to the rag-tag and bobtail, cost many honest-meaning
+people, who <i>ought</i> to be ashamed of them.</p>
+
+<p>"But, I'll do it, if it costs me the whole quarter's salary!"</p>
+
+<p>A few days were sufficient to concoct details and arrange
+the programme. When Mrs. Jipson discovered, as she
+vainly supposed, the prevalence of "better sense" on the
+part of her husband, she was good as cranberry tart, and
+flew around in the best of humor, to hurry up the event
+that was to give <i>eclat</i> to the new residence and family of
+the Jipsons, slightly dim the radiance or mushroom glory
+of the Tannersoil family, and create a commotion generally&mdash;above
+Bleecker street!</p>
+
+<p>Jipson <i>drew</i> on his employers, for a quarter's salary.
+The draft was honored, of course, but it led to some <i>speculation</i>
+on the part of "the firm," as to what Jipson was up
+to, and whether he wasn't getting into evil habits, and decidedly
+bad economy in his old age. Jipson talked, Mrs.
+Jipson talked. Their almost&mdash;in fact, Mrs. J., like most
+ambitious mothers, thought, <i>really</i>&mdash;marriageable daughters
+dreamed and talked dinner parties for the full month,
+ere the great event of their lives came duly off.</p>
+
+<p>One of the seeming difficulties was who to invite&mdash;who
+to get to come, and <i>where</i> to get them! Now, originally,
+the Jipsons were from the "Hills of New Hampshire, of
+poor but respectable" birth. Fifteen years in the great
+metropolis had not created a very extensive acquaintance
+among solid folks; in fact, New York society fluctuates,
+ebbs and flows at such a rate, that society&mdash;such as domestic
+people might recognize as unequivocally genteel&mdash;is hard to
+fasten to or find. But one of the Miss Jipsons possessed
+an acquaintance with a Miss Somebody else, whose brother
+was a young gentleman of very <i>distingue</i> air, and who knew
+the entire "ropes" of fashionable life, and people who enjoyed
+that sort of existence in the gay metropolis.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Theophilus Smith, therefore, was eventually engaged.
+It was his, as many others' vocation, to arrange details,
+command the feast, select the company, and control the
+coming event. The Jipsons confined their invitations to
+the few, very few genteel of the family, and even the diminutiveness
+of the number invited was decimated by Mr. Smith,
+who was permitted to review the parties invited.</p>
+
+<p>Few domiciles&mdash;of civilian, "above Bleecker st.,"&mdash;were
+better illuminated, set off and detailed than that of Jipson,
+on the evening of the ever-memorable dinner. Smith had
+volunteered to "engage" a whole set of silver from Tinplate
+&amp; Co., who generously offer our ambitious citizens
+such opportunities to splurge, for a fair consideration;
+while china, porcelain, a dozen colored waiters in white
+aprons, with six plethoric fiddlers and tooters, were also in
+Smith's programme. Jipson at first was puzzled to know
+where he could find volunteers to fill two dozen chairs, but
+when night came, Mr. Theophilus Smith, by force of tactics
+truly wonderful, drummed in a force to face a gross of
+plates, napkins and wine glasses.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Jipson was evidently astonished, the Misses J. not
+a little vexed at the "raft" of elegant ladies present, and
+the independent manner in which they monopolized attention
+and made themselves at home.</p>
+
+<p>Jipson swore inwardly, and looked like "a sorry man."
+Smith was at home, in his element; he was head and foot
+of the party. Himself and friends soon led and ruled the
+feast. The band struck up; the corks flew, the wine <i>fizzed</i>,
+the ceilings were spattered, and the walls tattooed with
+Burgundy, Claret and Champagne!</p>
+
+<p>"To our host!" cries Smith.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes&mdash;ah! 'ere's&mdash;ah! to our a&mdash;our host!" echoes
+another swell, already insolently "corned."</p>
+
+<p>"Where the&mdash;a&mdash;where is our worthy host?" says
+another specimen of "above Bleecker street" genteel society.
+"I&mdash;a say, trot out your host, and let's give the
+old fellow a toast!"</p>
+
+<p>"Ha! ha! b-wavo! b-wavo!" exclaimed a dozen shot-in-the-neck
+bloods, spilling their wine over the carpets, one
+another, and table covers.</p>
+
+<p>"This is intolerable!" gasps poor Jipson, who was in
+the act of being kept <i>cool</i> by his wife, in the drawing-room.</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind, Jipson&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! there's the old fellaw!" cries one of the swells.</p>
+
+<p>"I-ah&mdash;say, Mister&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Old roostaw, I say&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen!" roars Jipson, rushing forward, elevating
+his voice and fists.</p>
+
+<p>"For heaven's sake! Jipson," cries the wife.</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen, or bla'guards, as you are."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! oh! Jipson, will you hear me?" imploringly cries
+Mrs. Jipson.</p>
+
+<p>"What&mdash;ah&mdash;are you at? Does he&mdash;ah&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, what&mdash;ah&mdash;does old Jip say?"</p>
+
+<p>"Who the deuce, old What's-your-name, do you call
+gentlemen?" chimes in a third.</p>
+
+<p>"Bla'guards!" roars Jipson.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, veri well, veri well, old fellow, we&mdash;ah&mdash;are&mdash;ah&mdash;to
+blame for&mdash;ah&mdash;patronizing a snob," continues a swell.</p>
+
+<p>"A what?" shouts Jipson.</p>
+
+<p>"A plebeian!"</p>
+
+<p>"A codfish&mdash;ah&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Villains! scoundrels! bla'guards!" shouts the outraged
+Jipson, rushing at the intoxicated swells, and hitting right
+and left, upsetting chairs, tables, and lamps.</p>
+
+<p>"Murder!" cries a knocked down guest.</p>
+
+<p>"E-e-e-e-e-e!" scream the ladies.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't! E-e-e-e! don't kill my father!" screams the daughter.</p>
+
+<p>Chairs and hats flew; the negro servants and Dutch
+fiddlers, only engaged for the occasion, taking no interest
+in a free fight, and not caring two cents who whipped, laid back and&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Yaw! ha! ha! De lor'! Yaw! ha! ha!"</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Jipson fainted; ditto two others of the family; the
+men folks (!) began to travel; the ladies (!) screamed;
+called for their hats, shawls, and <i>chaperones</i>,&mdash;the most of the
+latter, however, were <i>non est</i>, or too well "set up," to heed
+the common state of affairs.</p>
+
+<p>Jipson finally cleared the house. Silence reigned within
+the walls for a week. In the interim, Mrs. Jipson and the
+daughters not only got over their hysterics, but ideas of
+gentility, as practised "above Bleecker street." It took
+poor Jipson an entire year to recuperate his financial
+"outs," while it took the whole family quite as long to get
+over their grand debut as followers of fashion in the great metropolis.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="for_them_Lobsters" id="for_them_Lobsters"></a>Look out for them Lobsters.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Deacon &mdash;&mdash;, who resides in a pleasant village inside
+of an hour's ride upon Fitchburg road, rejoices
+in a fondness for the long-tailed <i>crustacea</i>, vulgarly known
+as lobsters. And, from messes therewith fulminated, by
+<i>some</i> of our professors of gastronomics that we have seen,
+we do not attach any wonder at all to the deacon's penchant
+for the aforesaid shell-fish. The deacon had been
+disappointed several times by assertions of the lobster merchants,
+who, in their overwhelming zeal to effect a sale, had
+been a little too sanguine of the precise <i>time</i> said lobsters
+were caught and boiled; hence, after lugging home a ten
+pound specimen of the vasty deep, miles out into the quiet
+country, the deacon was often sorely vexed to find the lobster
+no better than it should be!</p>
+
+<p>"Why don't you get them alive, deacon?" said a friend,&mdash;"get
+them alive and kicking, deacon; boil them yourself;
+be sure of their freshness, and have them cooked more
+carefully and properly."</p>
+
+<p>"Well said," quoth the deacon; "so I can, for they sell
+them, I observe, near the depot,&mdash;right out of the boat.
+I'm much obliged for the notion."</p>
+
+<p>The next visit of the good deacon to Boston,&mdash;as he was
+about to return home, he goes to the bridge and bargains
+for two live lobsters, fine, active, lusty-clawed fellows, alive
+and kicking, and no mistake!</p>
+
+<p>"But what will I do with them?" says the deacon to
+the purveyor of the <i>crustacea</i>, as he gazed wistfully upon
+the two sprawling, ugly, green and scratching lobsters, as
+they lay before him upon the planks at his feet.</p>
+
+<p>"Do with 'em?" responded the lobster merchant,&mdash;"why,
+bile 'em and eat 'em! I bet you a dollar you never
+ate better lobsters 'n them, nohow, mister!"</p>
+
+<p>The deacon looked anxiously and innocently at the
+speaker, as much as to say&mdash;"you don't say so?"</p>
+
+<p>"I mean, friend, how shall I get them home?"</p>
+
+<p>"O," says the lobster merchant, "that's easy enough;
+here, Saul," says he, calling up a frizzle-headed lad in blue
+pants&mdash;<i>sans</i> hat or boots, and but one <i>gallows</i> to his
+breeches, "here, you, light upon these lobsters and carry
+'em home for this old gentleman."</p>
+
+<p>"Goodness, bless you," says the deacon; "why friend, I
+reside ten miles out in the country!"</p>
+
+<p>"O, the blazes you do!" says the lobster merchant;
+"well, I tell you, Saul can carry 'em to the cars for you in
+this 'ere bag, if you're goin' out?"</p>
+
+<p>"Truly, he can," quoth the deacon; "and Saul can go
+right along with me."</p>
+
+<p>The lobsters were dashed into a piece of Manilla sack,
+thrown across the shoulders of the juvenile Saul, and away
+they went at the heels of the deacon, to the depot; here
+Saul dashed down the "poor creturs" until their bones or
+shells rattled most piteously, and as the deacon handed a
+"three cent piece" to Saul, the long and wicked claw of
+one of the lobsters protruded out of the bag&mdash;opened and
+shut with a <i>clack</i>, that made the deacon shudder!</p>
+
+<p>"Those fellows are plaguy awkward to handle, are they
+not, my son?" says the deacon.</p>
+
+<p>"Not <i>werry</i>," says the boy; "they can't bite, cos you
+see they's got pegs down here&mdash;<i>hallo!</i>" As Saul poked his
+hand down towards the big claw lying partly out of the
+open-mouthed bag, the claw opened, and <i>clacked</i> at his fingers,
+ferocious as a mad dog.</p>
+
+<p>"His peg's out," said the boy&mdash;"and I can't fasten it;
+but here's a chunk of twine; tie the bag and they can't get
+out, any how, and you kin put 'em into yer pot right out of
+the bag."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, yes," says the deacon; "I guess I will take care
+of them; bring them here; there, just place the bag right
+in under my seat; so, that will do."</p>
+
+<p>Presently the cars began to fill up, as the minute of departure
+approached, and soon every seat around the worthy
+deacon was occupied. By-and-by, "a middle-aged lady,"
+in front of the deacon, began to <i>fussle</i> about and twist
+around, as if anxious to arrange the great amplitude of her
+<i>drapery</i>, and look after something "bothering" her feet.
+In front of the lady, sat a <i>slab</i>-sided <i>genus</i> dandy, fat as a
+match and quite as good looking; between his legs sat a
+pale-face dog, with a flashing collar of brass and tinsel,
+quite as gaudy as his master's neck-choker; this canine gave
+an awful&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Ihk!</i> ow, yow! yow-oo&mdash;yow, ook! yow! <i>yow!</i> <span class="smcap">yow</span>!"</p>
+
+<p>"Lor' a massy!" cries the woman in front of the deacon,
+jumping up, and making a desperate splurge to get up on
+to the seats, and in the effort upsetting sundry bundles and
+parcels around her!</p>
+
+<p>"Yow-<i>ook!</i> Yow-<i>ook!</i>" yelled the dog, jumping clear
+out of the grasp of the juvenile <i>Mantillini</i>, and dashing
+himself on to the head and shoulders of the next seat occupants,
+one of whom was a sturdy civilized Irishman, who
+made "no bones" in grasping the sickly-looking dog, and
+to the horror and alarm of the entire female party present,
+he sung out:</p>
+
+<p>"Whur-r-r ye about, ye brute! Is the divil <i>mad</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>"Eee! Ee! O dear! O! O!" cries an anxious mother.</p>
+
+<p>"O! O! O-o-o! save us from the dog!" cries another.</p>
+
+<p>"Whur-r-r-r! ye <i>divil!</i>" cries the Irish gintilman,
+pinning the poor dog down between the seats, with a force that
+extracted another glorious yell.</p>
+
+<p>"Ike! Ike! Ike! oo, ow! ow! Ike! Ike! Ike!"</p>
+
+<p>"Murder! mur-r-r-der!" bawls another victim in the
+rear of the deacon, leaping up in his seat, and rubbing his
+leg vigorously.</p>
+
+<p>"What on airth's loose?" exclaims one.</p>
+
+<p>"Halloo! what's that?" cries another, hastily vacating
+his seat and crowding towards the door.</p>
+
+<p>"O dear, O! O!" anxiously cries a delicate young lady.</p>
+
+<p>"What? who? where?" screamed a dozen at once.</p>
+
+<p>"Good <i>conscience!</i>" exclaims the deacon, as he dropped
+his newspaper, in the midst of the din&mdash;noise and confusion;
+and with a most singular and spasmodic effort to
+dance a "<i>high</i>land fling," he hustled out of his seat, exclaiming:</p>
+
+<p>"Good conscience, I really believe they're out."</p>
+
+<p>"Eh? What&mdash;what's out?" cries one.</p>
+
+<p>"Snakes!" echoes an old gentleman, grasping a cane.</p>
+
+<p>"Snappin' turtles, Mister?" inquire several.</p>
+
+<p>"Snakes!" cried a dozen.</p>
+
+<p>"Snappers!" echoes a like quantity of the dismayed.</p>
+
+<p>"Snapper-r-r-r-rs!"</p>
+
+<p>"Snake-e-e-es!" O what a din!</p>
+
+<p>"Halloo! here, what's all this? What's the matter?"
+says the conductor, coming to the rescue.</p>
+
+<p>"That man's got snakes in the car!" roar several at once.</p>
+
+<p>"And snappin' turtles, too, consarn him!" says one,
+while all eyes were directed, tongues wagging, and hands
+gesticulating furiously at the astonished deacon.</p>
+
+<p>"Take care of them! Take care of them! I believe
+I'm bitten clear through my boot&mdash;catch them, Mr. Swallow!"
+cries the deacon.</p>
+
+<p>"Swallow 'em, Mr. Catcher!" echoes the frightened dandy.</p>
+
+<p>"What? where?" says the excited conductor, looking around.</p>
+
+<p>"Here, here, in under these seats, sir,&mdash;<i>my lobsters,
+sir</i>," says the deacon, standing aloof to let the conductor
+and the man with the cane get at the <i>reptiles</i>, as the latter insisted.</p>
+
+<p>"Darn 'em, are they only lobsters!"</p>
+
+<p>"Pooh! Lobsters!" says young Mantillini, with a
+mock heroic shrug of his shoulders, and looking fierce as
+two cents!</p>
+
+<p>"Come out here!" says the conductor, feeling for them.</p>
+
+<p>"Take care!" says the deacon, "the plaguy things have
+got their pins out!"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, they are <i>alive</i>, and crawling around; hear the
+old fellow,&mdash;take care, Mr. Swaller&mdash;he's cross as sin!"
+says the man with the cane&mdash;"wasn't that a <i>snap</i>? Take
+care! You got him?" that indefatigable assistant continued,
+rattling his tongue and cane.</p>
+
+<p>"I've got them!" cries the conductor.</p>
+
+<p>"Put them in the bag, here, sir," says the deacon.</p>
+
+<p>"Take them out of this car!" cries everybody.</p>
+
+<p>"Plaguy things," says the deacon. "I sha'n't never buy
+another <i>live lobster!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>Order was restored, passengers took their seats, but
+when young Mantillini looked for his dog, he had vamosed
+with the <i>Irishman</i>, at "the last stopping place," in his excitement,
+leaving a quart jug of whiskey in lieu of the dandy's dog.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Fitzfaddles_at_Hull" id="Fitzfaddles_at_Hull"></a>The Fitzfaddles at Hull.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Well, well, drum no more about it, for mercy's
+sake; if you must go, you must <i>go</i>, that's all."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, just like you, Fitzfaddle"&mdash;pettishly reiterates the
+lady of the middle-aged man of business; "mention any
+thing that would be gratifying to the children&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"The children&mdash;<i>umph!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, the children; only mention taking the dear, tied-up
+souls to, to&mdash;to the Springs&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Haven't</i> they been to Saratoga? <i>Didn't</i> I spend a month
+of my precious time and a thousand of my precious dollars
+there, four years ago, to be physicked, cheated, robbed,
+worried, starved, and&mdash;laughed at?" Fitzfaddle responds.</p>
+
+<p>"Or, to the sea-side&mdash;" continued the lady.</p>
+
+<p>"Sea-side! good conscience!" exclaims Fitzfaddle; "my dear Sook&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Don't call me <i>Sook</i>, Fitzfaddle; <i>Sook!</i> I'm not <i>in</i> the
+kitchen, nor <i>of</i> the kitchen, you'll please remember, Fitzfaddle!"
+said the lady, with evident feeling.</p>
+
+<p>"O," echoed Fitz, "God bless me, Mrs. Fitzfaddle,
+don't be so rabid; don't be foolish, in your old days; my
+dear, we've spent the happiest of our days in the kitchen;
+when we were first married, <i>Susan</i>, when our whole stock
+in trade consisted of five ricketty chairs&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, that's enough about it&mdash;" interposed the lady.</p>
+
+<p>"A plain old pine breakfast table&mdash;" continued Fitz.</p>
+
+<p>"I'd stop, just <span class="smcap">there</span>&mdash;" scowlingly said Mrs. Fitz.</p>
+
+<p>"My father's old chest, and your mother's old corner
+cupboard&mdash;" persevered the indefatigable monster.</p>
+
+<p>"I'd go through the whole inventory&mdash;" angrily cried
+Mrs. Fitz&mdash;"clean down to&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"The few broken pots, pans, and dishes we had&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Don't you&mdash;<i>don't you feel ashamed of yourself</i>?" exclaims
+Mrs. Fitz, about as full of anger as she could well
+contain; but Fitz keeps the even tenor of his way.</p>
+
+<p>"Not at all, my dear; Heaven forbid that I should ever
+forget a jot of the real happiness of any portion of my life.
+When you and I, dear Sook (an awful scowl, and a sudden
+change of her position, on her costly rocking chair. Fitz
+looked askance at Mrs. Fitz, and proceeded); when you
+and I, <i>Susan</i>, lived in Dowdy's little eight by ten 'blue
+frame,' down in Pigginsborough; not a yard of carpet, or
+piece of mahogany, or silver, or silk, or satin, or flummery
+of any sort, the five old chairs&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Good conscience! are you going to have that over
+again?" cries Mrs. Fitz, with the utmost chagrin.</p>
+
+<p>"The old white pine table&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Fitz starts in horror.</p>
+
+<p>"My father's old chest, and your mother's old corner cupboard!"</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Fitz, in an agony, walks the floor!</p>
+
+<p>"The few broken or cracked pots, pans and dishes, we had&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>Nature quite "gin eout"&mdash;the exhausted Mrs. Fitzfaddle
+throws herself down upon the sumptuous <i>conversazione</i>,
+and absorbs her grief in the ample folds of a lace-wrought
+handkerchief (bought at Warren's&mdash;cost the entire profits
+of ten quintals of Fitzfaddle &amp; Co.'s A No. 1 cod!), while
+the imperturbable Fitz drives on&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Your mother's old cooking stove, Susan&mdash;the time and
+again, Susan, I've sat in that little kitchen&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Fitzfaddle shudders all over. Each reminiscence,
+so dear to Fitzfaddle, seems a dagger to her.</p>
+
+<p>"With little Nanny&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"You&mdash;you brute! You&mdash;you vulgar&mdash;you&mdash;you Fitzfaddle.
+Nanny! to call your daughter N-Nanny!"</p>
+
+<p>"Nanny! why, yes, Nanny&mdash;" says the matter-of-fact
+head of the firm of Fitzfaddle &amp; Co. "I believe we did
+intend to call the girl Nancy; we <i>did</i> call her Nanny, Mrs.
+Fitzfaddle; but, like all the rest, by your innovations,
+things have kept changing no better fast. I believe my
+soul that girl has had five changes in her name before you
+concluded it was up to the highest point of modern respectability.
+From Nancy you had it Nannette, from Nannette
+to Ninna, from Ninna to Naomi, and finally it was rested
+at Anna Antoinette De Orville Fitzfaddle! Such a mess
+of nonsense to <i>handle</i> my plain name."</p>
+
+<p>"Anna Antoinette De Orville"&mdash;said Mrs. Fitz, suddenly
+rallying, "<i>is</i> a name, only made <i>plain</i> by your ugly
+and countryfied prefix. De Orville is a name," said the lady.</p>
+
+<p>"I should like to know," said the old gentleman, "upon
+what pretext, Mrs. Fitzfaddle, you lay claim to such a
+Frenchy and flighty name or title as De Orville?"</p>
+
+<p>"Wasn't it my family name, you brute?" cried Mrs. Fitz.</p>
+
+<p>"Ho! ho! ho! Sook, Sook, <i>Sook</i>," says Fitzfaddle.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Sook!</i>" almost screams Mrs. Fitz.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, <i>Sook</i>, Sook <i>Scovill</i>, daughter of a good old-fashioned,
+patriotic farmer&mdash;<i>Timothy Scovill</i>, of Tanner's Mills,
+in the county of Tuggs&mdash;down East. And when I married
+Sook (Mrs. Fitz jumped up, a rustling of silk is heard&mdash;a
+door slams, and the old gentleman finishes his domestic
+narrative, <i>solus!</i>), she was as fine a gal as the State ever
+produced. We were poor, and we knew it; wasn't discouraged
+or put out, on the account of our poverty. We
+started in the world square; happy as clams, nothing but
+what was useful around us; it is a happy reflection to look
+back upon those old chairs, pine table, my father's old chest,
+and Sook's mother's old corner cupboard&mdash;the cracked pots
+and pans&mdash;the old stove&mdash;Sook as ruddy and bright as a
+full-blown rose, as she bent over the hot stove in our parlor,
+dining room, and kitchen&mdash;turning her slap-jacks, frying,
+baking and boiling, and I often by her side, with our first
+child, Nanny, on my&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I hope by this time you're over your vulgar Pigginsborough
+recollections, Fitzfaddle!" exclaims Mrs. Fitz,
+re-entering the parlor.</p>
+
+<p>"I was just concluding, my dear, the happy time when
+I sat and read to you, or held Nanny, while you&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Fitzfaddle, for goodness' sake&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"While you&mdash;ruddy and bright, my dear, as the full-blown
+rose, bent over your mother's old cook stove&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Are you crazy, Fitz, or do you want to craze me?"
+cried the really <i>tried</i> woman.</p>
+
+<p>"Turning your slap-jacks," continues Fitz, suiting the
+action to the word.</p>
+
+<p>"Fitzfaddle!" cries Mrs. Fitz, in the most sublimated
+paroxysm of pity and indignation, but Fitz let it come.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>While I dandled Nanny on my knee!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>A pause ensues; Fitzfaddle, in contemplation of the past,
+and Mrs. Fitz fortifying herself for the opening of a campaign
+to come. At length, after a deal of "dicker," Fitz
+remembering only the bad dinners, small rooms, large
+bills, sick, parboiled state of the children, clash and clamor
+of his trips to the Springs, sea-side and mountain resorts;
+and Mrs. Fitz dwelling over the strong opposition (show
+and extravagance) she had run against the many ambitious
+shop-keepers' wives, tradesmen's, lawyers' and doctors'
+daughters&mdash;Mrs. Fitz gained her point, and the family,&mdash;Mrs.
+Fitz, the two now marriageable daughters&mdash;Anna
+Antoinette De Orville, and Eugenia Heloise De Orville,
+and Alexander Montressor De Orville, and two servants&mdash;start
+in style, for the famed city of Hull!</p>
+
+<p>It was yet early in the season, and Fitzfaddle had
+secured, upon accommodating terms, rooms &amp;c., of Mrs. Fitzfaddle's
+own choosing. With the diplomacy of five prime
+ministers, and with all the pride, pomp and circumstance of
+a fine-looking woman of two-and-forty,&mdash;husband rich, and
+indulgent at that; armed with two "marriageable daughters,"
+you may&mdash;if at all familiar with life at a "watering-place,"
+fancy Mrs. Fitzfaddle's feelings, and perhaps, also, about
+a third of the <i>swarth</i> she cut. The first evident opposition
+Mrs. Fitz encountered, was from the wife of a wine merchant.
+This lady made her <i>entree</i> at &mdash;&mdash; House, with a
+pair of bays and "body servant," two poodles, and an immensity
+of band boxes, patent leather trunks, and&mdash;her
+husband. The first day Mrs. Oldport sat at table, her new
+style of dress, and her European jewels, were the afternoon
+talk; but at tea, the Fitzfaddles <i>spread</i>, and Mrs. Oldport
+was bedimmed, easy; the next day, however, "turned up"
+an artist's wife and daughter, whose unique elegance of
+dress and proficiency in music took down the entire collection!
+Mrs. Michael Angelo Smythe and daughter
+captivated two of Mrs. Fitzfaddle's "circle"&mdash;a young
+naval gent and a 'quasi Southern planter, much to her
+chagrin and Fitzfaddle's pecuniary suffering; for next evening
+Mrs. F. got up,&mdash;to get back her two recruits&mdash;a
+grand private <i>hop</i>, at a cost of $130! And the close of
+the week brought such a cloud of beauty, jewels, marriageable
+daughters and ambitious mothers, wives, &amp;c., that
+Mrs. Fitzfaddle got into such a worry with her diplomatic
+arrangements, her competitions, stratagems,&mdash;her fuss, her
+jewels, silks, satins and feathers, that a nervous-headache
+preceded a typhus fever, and the unfortunate lady was
+forced to retire from the field of her glory at the end of the
+third week, entirely prostrated; and poor Jonas Fitzfaddle
+out of pocket&mdash;more or less&mdash;<i>five hundred dollars!</i> The
+last we heard of Fitzfaddle, he was apostrophizing the good
+old times when he rejoiced in five old chairs&mdash;cook stove&mdash;slap-jacks, &amp;c.!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="on_a_Platform" id="on_a_Platform"></a>Putting Me on a Platform!</h2>
+
+
+<p>Human nature doubtless has a great many weak
+points, and no few bipeds have a great itching after
+notoriety and fame. Fame, I am credibly informed, is not
+unlike a greased pig, always hard chased, but too eternal
+slippery for every body to hold on to! I have never
+cared a tinker's curse for glory myself; the satisfaction of
+getting quietly along, while in pursuit of bread, comfort
+and knowledge, has sufficed to engross my individual attention;
+but I've often "had my joke" by observing the various
+grand dashes made by cords of folks, from snob to nob,
+patrician to plebeian, in their gyrations to form a circle,
+in which they might be the centre pin! This desire,
+or feeling, is a part and parcel of human nature; you will
+observe it every where&mdash;among the dusky and man-eating
+citizens of the Fejee Islands&mdash;the dog-eating population of
+China&mdash;the beef-eaters of England, and their descendants,
+ye <i>Yankoos</i> of the new world; all, all have a tendency
+for lionization.</p>
+
+<p>This very <i>innocent</i> pastime finds a great many supporters,
+too; toadyism is the main prop that sustains and exalteth
+the vain glory of man; if you can only get a <i>toady</i>&mdash;the
+<i>more</i> the better&mdash;you can the sooner and firmer fix
+your digits upon the greased pig of fame; but as thrift
+must always follow fawning, or toadyism, it is most essentially
+necessary that you be possessed of a greater or lesser
+quantity of the goods and chattels of this world, or some
+kind of tangible effects, to grease the wheels of your emollient
+supporters; otherwise you will soon find all your
+air-built castles, dignity and glory, dissolve into mere gas, and
+your stern in the gravel immediately.</p>
+
+<p>Such is the pursuit of glory, and such its supporters, their
+gas and human weakness. I have said that I never sought
+distinction, but I have had it thrust upon me more than
+once, and the last effort of the kind was so particularly
+<i>salubrious</i>, that I must relate to you, <i>confidentially</i> of
+course, how it came about.</p>
+
+<p>When I first came to Boston, as a matter of course, I
+spent much of my time in surveying "the lions," dipping
+into this, and peeping into that; promenading the Common
+and climbing the stupendous stairway of Bunker Hill;
+ransacking the forts, islands, beautiful Auburn, &amp;c., &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p>Finally, I went into the State House, but as this notable
+building was undergoing some repairs, placards were
+tacked up about the doors, prohibiting persons from strolling
+about the capitol. The attendant was very polite, and
+told me, and several others desirous to see the building inside,
+that if we called in the course of a few days, we could
+be gratified, but for the present no one but those engaged
+about the work, were allowed to enter. I persisted so
+closely in my desire to examine the interior, while on the
+spot, that the man, when the rest of the visitors had gone,
+relented, and I was not only allowed to see what I should
+see, but he <i>toted</i> me "round."</p>
+
+<p>We sauntered into the Assembly Chamber, surveyed and
+learned all the particulars of that, peered into the side-rooms,
+closets, &amp;c., and then came to the Senate Chamber.
+This you know is something finer than the country meeting
+house, or circus-looking Assembly Chamber, where the
+"fresh-men," or green members from Hard-Scrabble, Hull,
+Squantum, etc.,&mdash;incipient Demostheneses, and sucking
+Ciceros, first tap their gasometers "in the haouse." Here
+I found the venerable pictures of the ancient <i>mugs</i>, who
+have figured as Governors, &amp;c., of the commonwealth, from
+the days of Puritan Winthrop to the ever-memorable Morton,
+who, strange as it may appear, was really elected
+Governor, though a double-distilled Democrat. Bucklers,
+swords, drums and muskets, that doubtless rattled and
+banged away upon Bunker Hill, were duly, carefully and
+critically examined, and as a finale to my debut in the Senate,
+I mounted the Speaker's stand, and spouted about
+three feet of Webster's first oration at Bunker Hill. To
+be sure, my audience was <i>small</i>, but <i>it</i> was duly attentive,
+and as I waved my hands aloft, and thumped my ribs, after
+the most approved system of patriotic vehemence of the
+day, he&mdash;my audience&mdash;opened his mouth, and stretched his
+eyes to the size of dinner plates, at my prodigious slaps at
+eloquence; the very ears of the <i>canvased</i> governors seemed
+pricked up, and I descended the stand big as Mogul,
+insinuated "a quarter" into the palm of the polite attendant,
+informed him I should call in a few days to take a view
+from the top of the dome, &amp;c. He bowed and I took myself off.</p>
+
+<p>Several days afterwards I found myself in the vicinity of
+the State House; so, thinks I, I'll just drop in, and go up to
+the top of the dome and get a view of the city and suburbs.</p>
+
+<p>My chaperon was on hand, and he no sooner clapped
+eyes upon me, than he pitched into all manner of highfernooten
+flub-dubs, bowed and scraped, and regretted that the
+day was so misty and dull, as I would not be enabled to
+have half a chance to get a view.</p>
+
+<p>"I wouldn't try it to-day, sir," said he.</p>
+
+<p>"What's the reason?" asked I.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh," replied he, "you'll not see half the outline of the
+city and the villages around, and you'll want to get them all
+down distinct."</p>
+
+<p>"Get them all <i>down</i> distinct?" quoth I.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir; and the day is so dull and cloudy that you'll
+not see half the prominent buildings, never mind the whole
+of the former and not so easily seen houses. You intend
+taking a full view, don't you, sir?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, yes, I would like to," says I, partly lost to conceive
+what caused such a sudden and unaccountable ebullition
+of the man's great interest in my getting "a first rate
+notice" of matters and things from the top of the capitol!
+But up I went, in spite of my attentive friend's fears of my
+not getting quite so clear and distinct a view as he could
+wish. Having gratified myself with such a view as the
+weather and the height of the capitol afforded (and in
+clear weather you can get far the best survey of Boston
+and the environs from the top of the State House than from
+any other promontory about), I descended again. At the
+foot of the stairway my assiduous cicerone again beset me,
+introduced several other miscellaneous-looking chaps to me,
+and, in short, was making of me, why or wherefore I knew
+not, quite a lion!</p>
+
+<p>"Well, sir," said he, "what do you think of it, sir? Could
+you get the outline?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not very well," said I, "but the view is very fine."</p>
+
+<p>"O, yes, sir," said he; "but as soon as you wish to begin,
+sir, let me know, and I'll lock the upper doors when
+you go up, and you'll not be disturbed, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"Lock the doors?" said I, in some amazement.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir," quoth he, "but it would be best to come as
+early in the morning as possible, or, if convenient, before
+the visitors begin to come up; they'd disturb you, you know!"</p>
+
+<p>"Disturb <i>me!</i> Why, I don't know how they would do that?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, sir, when Mr. Smith&mdash;you know Mr. Smith, sir,
+I suppose?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, yes; the name strikes me as <i>somewhat</i> familiar;
+do you refer to <i>John Smith</i>?" I observed, beginning to
+participate in the joke, which began to <ins title="develope">develop</ins> itself
+pretty distinctly.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir; I believe his name is John&mdash;John R. Smith;
+he's a splendid artist, sir; <i>his</i> sketch or panorama is a
+beauty! Sir! did you ever see his panorama?"</p>
+
+<p>"I think I did, in New York," I replied.</p>
+
+<p>By this time some dozen or two visitors had congregated
+around us, and I was the centre of a considerable circle,
+and from the whispers, and pointing of fingers, I felt duly
+sensible, that, great or small, I was a <span class="smcap">lion</span>! Under what
+auspices, I was in too dense a fog to make out; to me it
+was an unaccountable mist'ry.</p>
+
+<p>"I'll tell you what I can do, sir," continued my toady;
+"I can have a small platform erected, outside of the cupola,
+for you, to place your <i>designs</i> or sketches on, and you'll
+not be so liable to be disturbed. Mr. Smith, he had a
+platform made, sir."</p>
+
+<p>I beckoned the man to step aside, in the Senate Chamber.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, sir," said I, "you will please inform me, who the
+devil do you take me for?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I knew who you were, the moment you came in,
+sir," said he, with a very knowing leer out of his half-squinting eyes.</p>
+
+<p>"Did you? Well then I must certainly give you credit
+for devilish keen perception; but, if it's a fair question," I
+continued, "what do you mean by fixing a platform for my
+<i>designs</i>? You don't think I'm going to fly, jump or deliver
+orations from the cupola, do you?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, I don't; but you're to draw a grand panorama of
+Boston, ain't you?"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Me?</span>"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, you; ain't your name Mr. Banvard?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes, yes&mdash;I understand&mdash;you've found me out, but
+keep dark&mdash;mum's the word&mdash;you understand?" said I, winkingly.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir; I'll fix it all right; you'll want the platform
+outside, I guess."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; out with it, and <i>keep dark until I come!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>I skeeted down them steps into the Common to let off
+my corked up risibilities.&mdash;Whether the man actually did
+prepare a platform for my designs, or whether Banvard ever
+went to take his designs there, I am unable to say, as I went
+South a few days afterward, and did not return for some time.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Exorbitancy_of_Meanness" id="Exorbitancy_of_Meanness"></a>The Exorbitancy of Meanness.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Few <i>extravaganzas</i> of man or woman lay such a heavy
+<i>stress</i> upon the pocket-book or purse as meanness. This
+may seem paradoxical, but it's nothing of the kind. How
+many thousands to save a cent, walk a mile! How many to
+cut down expenses, cut off a thousand of the little "filling
+ins" which go to make us both happy and healthy! Jones
+refused to let his little boy run an errand for Johnson, and
+when Jones's house was in a blaze, Johnson forbid him
+touching his water to put it out. Smith by accident ran
+his wagon afoul of Peppers's cart, Peppers in revenge "cut
+away" at Smith's horse; horse ran away, broke the wagon,
+dislocated Smith's collar-bone; a suit at law followed, and
+Peppers being a mighty spunky, as well as a powerfully
+mean man, fought it out four years, and finally sunk every
+cent he had in the world by the slight transaction. It is a
+first-rate idea to be economical, but the man who sees and
+feels, and smells and tastes, entirely through his pocket-book,
+isn't worth cultivating an acquaintance with. Go
+in, marry money if you can, save up some, but don't cultivate
+meanness, for it never pays.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Down_a_Sheriff" id="Down_a_Sheriff"></a>"Taking Down" a Sheriff.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Ex-honorable John Buck, once the "representative"
+of a <i>district</i> out West, a lawyer originally,
+and finally a gentleman at large, and Jeremy Diddler generally,
+took up his quarters in Philadelphia, years ago, and
+putting himself upon his dignity, he managed for a time,
+<i>sans l'argent</i>, to live like a prince. Buck was what the
+world would call a devilish clever fellow; he was something
+of a scholar, with the smattering of a gentleman; good at
+off-hand dinner table oratory, good looking, and what
+never fails to take down the ladies, he wore hair enough
+about his countenance to establish two Italian grand dukes.
+Buck was "an awful blower," but possessed common-sense
+enough not to waste his <i>gas</i>-conade&mdash;ergo, he had the merit
+not to falsify to ye ancient falsifiers.</p>
+
+<p>The Honorable Mr. Buck's <i>manner</i> of living not being
+"seconded" by a corresponding manner of <i>means</i>, he very
+frequently ran things in the ground, got in debt, head and
+heels. The Honorable Mr. B. had patronized a dealer in
+Spanish mantles, corduroys and opera vests, to the amount
+of some two hundred dollars; and, very naturally, ye fabricator
+of said cloth appurtenances for ye body, got mad
+towards the last, and threatened "the Western member"
+with a course of legal sprouts, unless he "showed cause,"
+or came up and squared the yards. As Hon. John Buck
+had had frequent invitations to pursue such courses, and
+not being spiritually or personally inclined that way, he let
+the notice slide.</p>
+
+<p>Shears, the tailor, determined to put the Hon. John
+through; so he got out a writ of the savagest kind&mdash;arson,
+burglary and false pretence&mdash;and a deputy sheriff was soon
+on the taps to smoke the Western member out of his boots.
+Upon inquiring at the United States Hotel, where the honorable
+gentleman had been wont to "put up," they found
+he had vacated weeks before and gone to Yohe's Hotel.
+Thither, the next day, the deputy repaired, but old Mother
+Yohe&mdash;rest her soul!&mdash;informed the officer that the honorable
+gentleman had stepped out one morning, in a hurry
+like, and forgot to pay a small bill!</p>
+
+<p>John was next traced to the Marshall House, where he
+had left his mark and cleared for Sanderson's, where the
+indefatigable tailor and his terrier of the law, pursued the
+member, and learned that he had gone to Washington!</p>
+
+<p>"Done! by Jeems!" cried Shears.</p>
+
+<p>"Hold on," says the deputy, "hold on; he's not off;
+merely a dodge to get away from this house; we'll find him. Wait!"</p>
+
+<p>Shears did wait, so did the deputy sheriff, until other
+bills, amounting to a good round sum, were lodged at the
+Sheriff's office, and the very Sheriff himself took it in hand
+to nab the <i>cidevant</i> M. C., and cause him to suffer a little
+for his country and his friends!</p>
+
+<p>Now, it so chanced that Sheriff F., who was a politician
+of popular renown&mdash;a good, jolly fellow&mdash;knew the Hon.
+Mr. Buck, having had "the pleasure of his acquaintance"
+some months previous, and having been <i>floored</i> in a political
+argument with the "Western member," was inclined
+to be down upon him.</p>
+
+<p>"I'll snake him, I'll engage," says Sheriff F., as he
+thrust "the documents" into his pocket and proceeded to
+hunt up the transgressor. Accidentally, as it were, who
+should the Sheriff meet, turning a corner into the grand
+<i>trottoir</i>, Chestnut street, but our gallant hero of ye ballot-box
+in the rural districts, once upon a time!</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, ha-a-a! How are ye, Sheriff?" boisterously exclaims
+the Ex-M. C., as familiarly as you please.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, ha! Mr. Buck," says the Sheriff, "glad (?) to see you."</p>
+
+<p>"Fine day, Sheriff?"</p>
+
+<p>"Elegant, sir, <i>prime</i>," says the Sheriff.</p>
+
+<p>"What do you think of Mr. Jigger's speech on the Clam
+trade? Did you read Mr. Porkapog's speech on the widening
+of Jenkins's ditch?"</p>
+
+<p>For which general remarks on the affairs of the nation,
+Sheriff F. <i>put</i> some corresponding replies, and so they proceeded
+along until they approached a well-known dining
+saloon, then under the supervision of a burly Englishman;
+and, as it was about the time people dined, and the Sheriff
+being a man that liked a fat dinner and a fine bottle, about
+as well as any body, when the Hon. Mr. Buck proposed&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"What say you, Sheriff, to a dinner and a bottle of old
+Sherry, at &mdash;&mdash;? We don't often meet (?), so let's sit
+down and have a quiet talk over things."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Mr. Buck," says the Sheriff, "I would like to,
+just as soon as not, but I've got a disagreeable bit of business
+with you, and it would be hardly friendly to eat your
+dinner before apprizing you of the fact, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! Sheriff, what is it, pray?" says the somewhat
+alarmed Diddler; "nothing serious, of course?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, no, not serious, particularly; only a <i>writ</i>, Mr. Buck;
+a writ, that's all."</p>
+
+<p>"For my arrest?"</p>
+
+<p>"Your arrest, sir, on sight," says the Sheriff.</p>
+
+<p>"The deuce! What's the charge!"</p>
+
+<p>"Debt&mdash;false pretence&mdash;<i>swindling!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"Ha! ha! that is a good one!" says the slight'y cornered
+Ex-M. C.; "well, hang it, Sheriff, don't let business
+spoil our digestion; come, let us dine, and then I'm
+ready for execution!" says the "Western member," with
+well affected gaiety.</p>
+
+<p>Stepping into a private room, they rang the bell, and a
+burly waiter appeared.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, Mr. F.," says the adroit Ex-M. C., "call for just
+what you like; I leave it to you, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"Roast ducks; what do you say, Buck?"</p>
+
+<p>"Good."</p>
+
+<p>"Oyster sauce and lobster salad?"</p>
+
+<p>"Good," again echoes the Ex-M. C.</p>
+
+<p>"And a&mdash;Well, waiter, you bring some of the best side
+dishes you have," says the Sheriff.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir," says the waiter, disappearing to fill the order.</p>
+
+<p>"What are you going to drink, Sheriff?" asks the honorable gent.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! ah, yes! Waiter, bring us a bottle of Sherry; you
+take Sherry, Buck?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I'll go Sherry."</p>
+
+<p>The Sherry was brought, and partly discussed by the
+time the dinner was spread.</p>
+
+<p>"They keep the finest Port here you ever tasted," says
+the Diddler.</p>
+
+<p>"Do they!" he responds; "well, suppose we try it?"</p>
+
+<p>A bottle of old Port was brought, and the two worthies
+sat back and really enjoyed themselves in the saloon of the
+sumptuously kept restaurant; they then drank and smoked,
+until sated nature cried enough, and the Sheriff began to
+think of business.</p>
+
+<p>"Suppose we top off with a fine bottle of English ale, Sheriff!"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, be it so; and then, Buck, we'll have to proceed
+to the office."</p>
+
+<p>"Waiter, bring me a couple of bottles of your English
+ale," says the Hon. Mr. Buck.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"And I'll see to the bill, Sheriff, while the waiter brings
+the ale," said the Ex-M. C., leaving the room "for a moment,"
+to speak to the landlord.</p>
+
+<p>"Landlord," says the Diddler, "do you know that gentleman
+with whom I've dined in 15?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, I don't," says the landlord.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," continues Diddler, "I've no <i>particular</i> acquaintance
+with him; he invited me here to dine; I suppose
+he intends to pay for what he ordered, but (whispering)
+<i>you had better get your money before he gets out of
+that room!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! oh! coming that are dodge, eh? I'll show him!"
+said the burly landlord, making tracks for the room, from
+which the Sheriff was now emerging, to look after his prisoner.</p>
+
+<p>"There's for the ale," says the Diddler, placing half a
+dollar in the waiter's hand; "I ordered that, and there's for
+it." So saying, he vamosed.</p>
+
+<p>"Say, but look here, Buck, I say, hold on; I've got a
+writ, and&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Hang the writ! Pay your bill like a gentleman, and
+come along!" exclaimed the Ex-M. C., making himself <i>scarce!</i></p>
+
+<p>It was in vain that the Sheriff stated his "authority,"
+and innocence in the pecuniary affairs of the dinner, for the
+waiter swore roundly that the other gentleman had paid for
+all he ordered, and the landlord, who could not be convinced
+to the contrary, swore that the idea was to gouge
+him, which couldn't be done, and before the Sheriff got off,
+he had his wallet depleted of five dollars; and he not only
+lost his prisoner, but lost his temper, at the trick played
+upon him by the Hon. Jeremy Diddler.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="First_Coal_Fire" id="First_Coal_Fire"></a>Governor Mifflin's First Coal Fire.</h2>
+
+
+<p>It is truly astonishing, that the inexhaustible beds&mdash;mines
+of anthracite coal, lying along the Schuylkill
+river and ridges, valleys and mountains, from old Berks
+county to the mountains of Shamokin, were not found out
+and applied to domestic uses, fully fifty years before they
+were! Coal has been exhumed from the earth, and burned
+in forges and grates in Europe, from time immemorial, we
+think, yet we distinctly remember when a few canal boats only
+were engaged in transporting from the few mines that were
+open and worked along the Schuylkill&mdash;the comparatively
+few tons of anthracite coal consumed in Philadelphia, <ins title="ot">not</ins>
+sent away. As far back as 1820, we believe, there was but
+little if any coal shipped to Philadelphia, from the Schuylkill
+mines at all.</p>
+
+<p>Our venerable friend, the still vivacious and clear-headed
+Col. Davis, of Delaware, gave us, a few years ago, a rather
+amusing account of the first successful attempt of a very
+distinguished old gentleman, Gov. Mifflin, to ignite a pile
+of stone coal. The date of the transaction, more's the
+pity, has escaped us, but the facts of the case are something
+after this fashion.</p>
+
+<p>Gov. Mifflin, of Pennsylvania, lived and owned a fine
+estate in Mifflin county, and in which county was discovered
+from time to time, any quantity of black rock, as the
+farmers commonly called the then unknown anthracite. Of
+course, the old governor knew something about stone coal,
+and had a slight inkling of its character. At hours of leisure,
+the <ins title="governer">governor</ins> was in the habit of experimenting upon
+the black rocks by subjecting them to wood fire upon his
+hearths; but the hard, almost flint-like anthracite of that
+region resisted, with most obdurate pertinacity, the oft-repeated
+attempts of the governor to set it on fire. It
+finally became a joke among the neighboring Pennsylvania
+Dutch farmers, and others of the vicinity, that Gov. Mifflin
+was studying out a theory to set his hills and fields on fire,
+and burn out the obnoxious black rock and boulders. But,
+despite the jibes and jokes of his dogmatical friends, the
+old governor stuck to his experiments, and the result produced,
+as most generally it does through perseverance and
+practice, a new and useful fact, or principle.</p>
+
+<p>One cold and wintry day, Gov. Mifflin was cosily perched
+up in his easy-chair, before the great roaring, blazing hickory
+fire, overhauling ponderous state documents, and deeply
+engrossed in the affairs of the people, when his eye caught
+the outline of a big black rock boulder upon the mantle-piece
+before him&mdash;it was a beautiful specimen of variegated
+anthracite, with all the hues of the rainbow beaming from
+its lacquered angles. The governor thought "a heap" of
+this specimen of the black rock, but dropping all the documents
+and State papers pell-mell upon the floor, he seized
+the piece of anthracite, and placing it carefully upon the
+blazing cross-sticks of the fire, in the most absorbed manner
+watched the operation. To his great delight the black
+rock was soon red hot&mdash;he called for his servant man, a
+sable son of Africa, or some down South Congo&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Isaac."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sah, I'se heah, sah."</p>
+
+<p>"Isaac, run out to the carriage-house, and get a piece of
+that black rock."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sah, I'se gone."</p>
+
+<p>In a twinkling the negro had obtained a huge lump of
+the anthracite, and handing it over to the governor, it was
+placed in a favorable position alongside of the first lump,
+and the governor's eyes fairly danced polkas as he witnessed
+the fact of the two pieces of black rock assuming a red hot complexion.</p>
+
+<p>"Isaac!" again exclaimed the governor.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sah."</p>
+
+<p>"Run out&mdash;get another lump."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sah."</p>
+
+<p>A third lump was added to the fire; the company in the
+governor's private parlor was augmented by the appearance
+of the governor's lady and other portions of the family, who,
+seeing Isaac lugging in the rocks, came to the conclusion
+that the governor was going "clean crazy" over his experiments.
+It was in vain Mrs. Mifflin and the daughters
+tried to suspend the functions of the "chief magistrate,"
+over the roaring fire.</p>
+
+<p>"Go away, women; what do you know about mineralogy,
+igniting anthracite? Go way; close the doors; I've got the
+rocks on fire&mdash;I'll make them laugh t'other side of their
+mouths, at my black rock fires!"</p>
+
+<p>In the midst of the excitement, as the governor was perspiring
+and exulting over his fiery operation, a carriage
+drove up, and two gentlemen alighted, and desired an immediate
+audience with Gov. Mifflin; but so deeply engaged
+was the governor, that he refused the strangers an audience,
+and while directing Isaac to tell the strangers that they
+must "come to-morrow," and while he continued to pile on
+more black rocks, brought in by Isaac, in rushed the strangers.</p>
+
+<p>"Good day, governor; you must excuse us, but our business
+admits of no delay."</p>
+
+<p>"Can't help it, can't help you&mdash;see how it blazes, see
+how it burns!" cried the abstracted or mentally and physically
+absorbed governor.</p>
+
+<p>"But, governor, the man may be hanged, if&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Let him be hanged&mdash;hurra! See how it burns; call in
+the neighbors; let them see my black rock fire. I knew I'd
+surprise them!"</p>
+
+<p>"But, governor, will you please delay this&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Delay? No, not for the President of the United
+States. I've been trying this experiment for eight years.
+I've now succeeded&mdash;see, see how it burns! Run, Isaac,
+over to Dr. &mdash;&mdash;'s, tell him to come, stop in at Mr. S&mdash;&mdash;'s,
+tell Mr. H&mdash;&mdash; to come, come everybody&mdash;I've got the
+black rocks in a blaze!" And clapping on his hat, out ran
+the governor through the storm, down to the village, like a
+madman, leaving the strangers and part of his household as
+spectators of his fiery experiments. Just as the governor
+cleared his own door, a pedler wagon "drove up," and
+the pedler, seeing the governor starting out in such double
+quick time, hailed him.</p>
+
+<p>"Hel-lo! Sa-a-a-y, yeou heold on&mdash;<i>yeou the guv'ner</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>"Clear out!" roared the chief magistrate.</p>
+
+<p>"Shain't deu nothin' of the sort, no how!" says the
+pedler, dismounting from his wagon, and making his appearance
+at the front door, where he encountered the two
+rather astonished strangers&mdash;legal gentlemen of some eminence,
+from Harrisburg, with a petition for the respite of execution.</p>
+
+<p>"Halloo! which o' yeou be the guv'ner?" says the pedler.</p>
+
+<p>"Neither of us," replied the gentlemen; "that was the
+governor you spoke to as you drove up."</p>
+
+<p>"Yeou dun't say so! Wall, he was pesky mad about
+som'-thin'. What on airth ails the ole feller?"</p>
+
+<p>"Can't say," was the response; "but here he comes again."</p>
+
+<p>"Now, now come in, come in and see for yourselves,"
+cried the excited Governor of the great Key Stone State;
+"there's a roaring fire of burning, blazing, black rock,
+anthracite coal!"</p>
+
+<p>But, alas! the cross sticks having given away in the interim,
+and the coal being thrown down upon the ashes and
+stone hearth,&mdash;<i>was all out!</i></p>
+
+<p>"Wall," says our migratory Yankee, who followed the
+crowd into the house, "I guess I know what yeou be at,
+guv'ner, but I'll tell yeou naow, yeou can't begin to keep
+that darn'd hard stuff burning, 'less yeou fix it up in a grate,
+like, gin it air, and an almighty draught; yeou see, guv'ner,
+I've been making experiments a darn'd long while
+with it!"</p>
+
+<p>The laugh of the governor's friends subsided as the pedler
+went into a practical theory on burning stone coal; the
+<i>respite</i> was signed&mdash;hospitalities of the mansion extended
+to all present, and in course of a few days, our Yankee and
+the governor rigged up a grate, and soon settled the question&mdash;will
+our black rocks burn?</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Sure_Cure" id="Sure_Cure"></a>Sure Cure.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Travel is a good invention to cure the blues and condense
+worldly effects. When Cutaway went to California,
+"I carried," said he, "a pile of despondency, and more baggage,
+boots, and boxes, than would fit out a caravan.
+After an absence of just fourteen calendar months, I started
+homewards, and was so boiling over with hope and fond
+anticipation, that I could hardly keep in my old boots!
+And all the <i>dunnage</i> I had left, wouldn't fill a
+pocket-<ins title="handerchief">handkerchief</ins>,
+or sell to a paper-maker for four cents!"</p>
+
+<p>Cutaway recommends seeing the <i>worldy</i> elephant, high,
+for settling one's mind, and scattering goods, gold, and chattels.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="a_Fugitive_Subscriber" id="a_Fugitive_Subscriber"></a>Chasing a Fugitive Subscriber.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Printers, from time immemorial&mdash;back possibly to
+the days of Faust&mdash;have suffered martyrdom, more or
+less, at the hands of the people who didn't pay! Many of
+the long-established newspaper concerns can show a "black
+list" as long as the militia law, and an unpaid <i>cash account</i>
+bulky enough to take Cuba! Country publishers suffer in
+this way intensely. About one half of the "subscribers"
+to the <i>Clarion of Freedom</i>, or the <i>Universal Democrat</i>, or
+the <i>Whig Shot Tower</i>, seem to labor under the Utopian
+notion that printers were made to mourn over unpaid subscription
+lists; or that they "got up" papers for their own
+peculiar amusement, and carried them or sent them to the
+doors of the public for mere pastime! Every publisher, of
+about every paper we ever examined, about this time of year,
+has told his own story&mdash;requested his subscribers to come
+forward&mdash;pay over&mdash;help to keep the mill going&mdash;creditors
+easy&mdash;fire in the stove&mdash;meal in the barrel&mdash;children in
+bread, butter and shoes&mdash;Sheriff at bay, and other tragical
+affairs connected with the operations attendant upon unsettled
+cash accounts! But, how many heed such "notices?"
+Paying subscribers do not read them&mdash;such applications do
+not apply to them&mdash;<i>they</i> regret to see them in the paper,
+and, like honest, common-sensed people, don't probe or
+meddle with other people's shortcomings. The delinquent
+subscriber don't read such <i>calls</i> upon his humanity&mdash;they
+are distasteful to him; he may squint and grin over the
+<i>notice</i> to pay up, and chuckles to himself&mdash;"Ah, umph!
+dun away, old feller; I ain't one o' that kind that sends
+money by mail; it might be lost, and the man that duns <i>me</i>
+for two or three dollars' worth of newspapers, <i>may get it if
+he knows how</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Well, the good time has <i>come</i>. Printers now may wait
+no longer; the jig's up&mdash;they have found out a <i>way</i> to get
+their money just as easy as other laborers in the fields of
+science, art, mechanism, law, physic and religion, get theirs.
+Let the printer cry <i>Eureka</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Doctor Pendleton St. Clair Smith, a patron of the fine
+arts, best tailors, barbers, boot blacks, and the newspaper
+press, was a tooth operator of some skill and great pretension.
+He lived and moved in modern style, and though no
+man could be more desirous of indulging in "short credit,"
+no man believed or acted more readily upon the principle&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">&mdash;&mdash;"base is the slave that <i>pays</i>."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Dr. P. St. C. Smith "slipped up" one day, leaving the
+<i>well done</i> community of Boston and the environs, for
+fields more congenial to his peculiar talents. He <i>stuck</i> the
+printer, of course. His numerous subscription accounts
+to the various local news and literary journals, in the
+aggregate amounted to quite considerable; and the printers
+didn't begin to like it! Now, it takes a Yankee to
+head off a Yankee, and about this time a live, double-grand-action
+Yankee, named Peabody, possibly, happened in at
+one of the offices, where two brother publishers were "making
+a few remarks" over delinquent subscribers, and especially
+were they wrought up against and giving jessy to
+Dr. Pendleton St. Clair Smith!</p>
+
+<p>"How much does the feller owe you?" quoth Peabody.</p>
+
+<p>"Owe? More than he'll ever pay during the present generation."</p>
+
+<p>"Perhaps not," says Peabody; "now if you'll just give
+me the full particulars of the man, his manners and customs,
+name and size, and sell me your accounts, at a low notch,
+I'll buy 'em; I'll collect 'em, too, if the feller's alive, out of
+jail, and any where around between sunrise and sunset!"</p>
+
+<p>The publishers laughed at the idea, sensibly, but finding
+that Peabody was up for a trade, they traced out the accounts,
+&amp;c., and for a five dollar bill, Mr. Peabody was put
+in possession of an account of some twenty odd dollars and
+cents against Dr. P. St. C. Smith.</p>
+
+<p>Now Peabody had, some time previous to this transaction,
+established a peculiar kind of Telegraph, a human galvanic
+battery, or endless chain of them, extending all over the
+country, for collecting bad debts, and <i>shocking</i> fugitives,
+or stubborn creditors! By a continuation of faculties,
+causes and effects&mdash;shrewdness and forethought peculiar to
+a man capable of seeing considerably deep into millstones&mdash;Peabody
+couldn't be <i>dodged</i>. If he ever got his <i>feelers</i> on
+to a subject, the <i>equivalent</i> was bound to be turning up!
+It struck him that the collection of newspaper bills afforded
+him a great field for working his Telegraph, and he hasn't
+been mistaken.</p>
+
+<p>The scene now changes; early one morning in the pleasant
+month of June, as the poet might say, Dr. Pendleton
+St. Clair Smith was to be seen before his toilet glass in
+the flourishing city of Syracuse,&mdash;giving the finishing stroke
+to his highly-cultivated beard. The satisfaction with which
+he made this demonstration, evinced the sereneness of his
+mind and the <i>confidence</i> with which he rested, in regard to
+his newspaper 'bills in Boston. But a <i>tap</i> is heard at his
+door, and at his invitation the servant comes in, announces
+a gentleman in the parlor, desirous of speaking to Dr. Smith.
+The Doctor waits upon the visitor&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Dr. Pendleton St. Clair Smith, I presume?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ye-e-s," slowly and suspiciously responded that individual.</p>
+
+<p>"I am collector, sir," continued the stranger, "for the
+firm of Peabody, Grab, Catchem, and Co., Boston. I have
+a small (!) bill against you, sir, to collect."</p>
+
+<p>"What for?" eagerly quoth the Doctor.</p>
+
+<p>"Newspaper subscriptions and advertising, sir!"</p>
+
+<p>"I a&mdash;I a, you a&mdash;well, you call in this evening," says
+the Doctor, tremulously fumbling in his pockets&mdash;"I'll
+settle with you; good morning."</p>
+
+<p>"Good morning, sir," says the collector,&mdash;"I'll call."</p>
+
+<p>That afternoon, Dr. Pendleton St. Clair Smith vamosed!
+He had barely got located in Syracuse, before they had
+traced him; if he paid the printer, a cloud of other debts
+would follow, and so he up stakes and made a fresh <i>dive!</i></p>
+
+<p>"Now," says Dr. P. St. C. Smith, as he dumped himself
+and baggage down in the beautiful city of Chicago, "Now
+I'll be out of the range of the duns; they won't get sight
+or hearing of me, for a while, I'll bet a hat!"</p>
+
+<p>But, alas! for the delusion; the very next morning, a very
+suspicious, hatchet-faced individual, made himself known as
+the deputed collector of certain newspaper accounts, forwarded
+from Boston, by Peabody, Grab, Catchem, &amp; Co.
+The Dr. uttered a very severe <i>anathema</i>; he looked quite
+streaked, he faltered; he then desired the collector to call
+in course of the day, and the bill would be attended to.
+The collector hoped it would be attended to, and left; so
+did Dr. P. St. C. Smith <i>in the next mail line</i>.</p>
+
+<p>About one month after the affair in Chicago, Dr. P. St.
+C. Smith was seen strutting around in Charters st., New
+Orleans, confident in his security, smiling in the brightness
+of the scenes around him; he had just negotiated for an
+office, had already concocted his advertisements, and subscribed
+for the papers, when lo! the same due bill from
+Boston appeared to him, in the hand of an <i>agent</i> of Peabody,
+Grab, Catchem &amp; Co. The Dr. was almost tempted
+to pay the bill! But, then, perhaps the <i>agent</i> had a hat full
+of others&mdash;from the same place&mdash;for larger amounts!
+The next day the Doctor <i>put</i> for Texas! planting himself
+in the pleasant town of Bexar, and cursing duns from the
+bottom of his heart&mdash;he determined to keep clear of them,
+even if he had to bury himself away out here in Texas.
+But what was his horror to find, the first week of his hanging
+up in Bexar, that an agent of the firm of Peabody, Grab,
+Catchem &amp; Co., <i>was there!</i> The Doctor <i>stepped</i> to Galveston;
+on the way he accidentally <i>met</i> a travelling agent of
+Peabody, Grab, Catchem &amp; Co. The Doctor took the
+<i>Sabine</i> slide for Tampico; there he found the "black vomit."
+He up and off again, for Mobile; his nervous system was
+much worked up and his pocket-book sadly depleted!
+There were two alternatives&mdash;change his name, size and
+profession, and live in a swamp; <i>or settle with the firm of
+Peabody, Grab, Catchem &amp; Co</i>. Dr. Pendleton St. Clair
+Smith chose the latter; he sought and soon found in Mobile,
+a veritable <i>agent</i>, duly authorized to receive and forward
+funds for Peabody, Grab, Catchem &amp; Co., and hunt up and
+down&mdash;fugitives from the printer! The Doctor paid up&mdash;felt
+better, and learned the moral fact that delinquent subscribers
+are no longer to be the printers' ghosts.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Ambition" id="Ambition"></a>Ambition.</h2>
+
+
+<p>A person never thinks so meanly of ambition as when
+walking through a grave-yard.&mdash;To see men who have filled
+the world with their glory for half a century or more, reduced
+to a six foot mudhole, gives pride a shock which requires
+a long stay in a city to counteract.&mdash;The gentlemen
+who are now "spoken of for the Presidency," will in less
+than a century, have their bones carted away to make room
+for a street sewer. Queer creature that man&mdash;well, he is.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Fixed_the_Tale-Bearer" id="Fixed_the_Tale-Bearer"></a>Way the Women Fixed the Tale-Bearer.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"I dunno where I heer'd it, but I know it's true. I
+expected it long ago. I told Jones it'd come out so."</p>
+
+<p>"Why, Uncle Josh, you don't pretend to say that Miller's
+wife has run off with Bob Tape, Yardstick's clark, do you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I do, too; hain't it been the talk of the neighborhood
+for a year past, that Miller's wife and that feller&mdash;Bob
+Tape, were a leetle too thick?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Uncle Josh," says his neighbor Brown, "I don't
+recollect anybody saying anything about it, but you, and
+for my part, I don't believe a word of it."</p>
+
+<p>"Why, hain't Miller's wife gone?" says Uncle Josh.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't know&mdash;is she?" says Brown.</p>
+
+<p>"Be sure she is; I went over to the store this morning,
+the fust thing, to see if Bob Tape was about&mdash;he wasn't
+there&mdash;they said he'd gone to Boston on business for old
+Yardstick. O, ho! says I, and then I started for Heeltap's
+shop; we had allers said how things would turn out.
+He was out, but seein' me go to his shop, he came a runnin',
+and says he:</p>
+
+<p>"'Uncle Josh, theer gone, sure enough!&mdash;I've been over
+to old Mammy Gabbles, and she sent her Suke over to
+Miller's, on purtence of borrowin' some lard, but told Suke
+to look around and see ef Miller's wife wur about; by
+Nebbyknezer, Miller's wife wur gone! Marm Gabbles
+couldn't rest, so she sent back Suke, and told her to ax the
+children whare their marm wus; Miller hearing Suke, ordered
+her to scoot, so Suke left without hearing the facts
+in the case, as 'Squire Black says.'</p>
+
+<p>"But Heeltap swears, and I know Miller's wife and Bob
+Tape have <i>sloped</i>, as they say in the papers."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," says Brown, "I'm sorry if it's true&mdash;I don't believe
+a word of it tho', and as it's none of my business, I
+shall have nothing to say about it."</p>
+
+<p>Uncle Josh was one of those inordinate pests which almost
+every village, town and hamlet in the country is more
+or less accursed with. He was a great, tall, bony, sharp-nosed,
+grinning <i>genius</i>, who, being in possession of a small
+farm, with plenty of boys and girls to work it, did not do
+anything but eat, sleep and lounge around; a gatherer of
+<i>scan, mag</i>., a news and scandal-monger, a great guesser, and
+a stronger suspicioner, of everybody's motives and intentions,
+and, of course, never imputed a good motive or movement
+to anybody.</p>
+
+<p>You've seen those wretches, male and female, haven't
+you, reader? Such people are great nuisances&mdash;half the
+discomforts of life are bred by them; they contaminate and
+poison the air they breathe, with their noisome breath, like
+the odor of the Upas tree.</p>
+
+<p>Uncle Josh had annoyed many&mdash;he was the dread and
+disgust of seven-eighths of the town he lived in. He had
+caused more quarrels, smutted more characters, and created
+more ill-feeling between friends, neighbors and acquaintances,
+than all else beside in the community of Frogtown.
+Uncle Josh was voted a great bore by the men, and a
+sneaking, meddling old granny by the women. So, at last,
+the young women of the town did agree, that the very next
+time Uncle Josh carried, concocted, or circulated any slanderous
+or otherwise mischievous stories, <i>they would duck
+him in the mill-race</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Now, Brown&mdash;old Mister Brown&mdash;was the very antipode
+of Uncle Josh; he was for always taking matters and
+things by the smoothest handle. Mister Brown never told
+tales, backbited or slandered anybody; everybody had a
+good word to say about Mister Brown, and Mister Brown
+had a good word to say about everybody. The gals thought
+it prudent to give old Mister Brown an inkling of their
+plans in regard to the disposition they intended to make of
+Uncle Josh; the old man laughed, and told them to go
+ahead, and to duck old Josh, and perhaps they would reform him.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, gals," says old Mister Brown, "Uncle Josh has
+just this very day been at his dirty work; by this time he
+has spread the news all over the town, that Miller's wife
+has gone off with Yardstick's clark. I don't believe a word
+of his tale, and if Miller's wife ain't really gone off, Uncle
+Josh ought to be soused in the mill-race."</p>
+
+<p>Next morning Miller's wife came home; she had been
+down to her sister's, a few miles off, to see a sick child; her
+husband had been away at a law-suit, in a neighboring
+town, and so Miller nor his wife knew nothing of the report
+of her elopement with Bob Tape, until their return.</p>
+
+<p>Miller was in a rage, but couldn't find out the author of
+the report. Miller's wife was deeply mortified that such a
+suspicion should arise of her; she had been making Bob
+Tape some new clothes to go to Boston in, and here was
+the gist of Bob and Miller's wife's intimacy! There was
+a great time about it&mdash;Miller swore like a trooper, and his
+wife nearly cried her eyes out.</p>
+
+<p>A few evenings afterwards, it being cool, clear weather in
+October, Polly Higgins and Sally Smith called in to see
+Miller's wife, and asked her to join them in a little party
+that some of the neighboring women had got up that evening,
+for a particular purpose. Miller's wife not having
+much to do that evening, her husband said she might go
+out a spell if she chose, and she went, and soon learned the
+purport of the call&mdash;old Uncle Josh was to be ducked in
+the mill-race! and Miller's wife, disguised as the rest, was
+to help do it. When she heard that old Josh had
+circulated the report of her elopement, Miller's wife did not
+require much coaxing to join the watering committee.</p>
+
+<p>It was so planned that all the women, some ten or twelve
+in number, were to put on men's clothes and lay in wait for
+Uncle Josh at his lane gate, about a quarter of a mile from
+the mill-race. Old Josh always hung around the tavern,
+Heeltap's shoe-shop, or the grocery, until 9 P. M., before
+he started for home, and the girls determined to rush out
+of a small thicket that stood close by old Josh's lane gate,
+and throwing a large, stout sheet over him, wind him up,
+and then seizing him head, neck and heels, hurry him off to
+the mill-race, and duck him well.</p>
+
+<p>Mind you, your country gals and women are not paint
+and powder, corset-laced and fragile creatures, like your
+delicate, more ornamental than useful young ladies of the
+city; no, no, the gals of Frogtown were real flesh and
+blood; Venuses and Dianas of solidity and substance;
+and it would have taken several better men than Uncle
+Josh to have got away from them. It was a cool, moon-shiny
+night, but to better favor the women, just as old
+Josh got near his gate, a large, black cloud obscured the
+moon, and all was as dark as a stack of black cats in a coal
+cellar. Miller's wife acted as captain; dressed in Bob
+Tape's old clothes he had left at her house to be repaired,
+she gave the word, and out they rushed.</p>
+
+<p>"Seize him, boys!" said she, in a very loud whisper.
+Over went the sheet, down came old Josh, co-blim! Before
+he could say "lor' a massy," he was dragged to the
+mill-race, tied hand and foot, blindfolded, his coat taken off,
+and he was <i>ca-soused</i> into the cold water! Fury! how the
+old fellow begged for his life!</p>
+
+<p>"O, lor' a massy, don't drown me boys! I&mdash;a, I&mdash;" <i>ca-souse</i>
+he went again.</p>
+
+<p>"Give him another duck," says one&mdash;and in he'd go again.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, we'll learn you to carry tales," says another.</p>
+
+<p>"And tell lies on me and Miller's wife," says Bob Tape&mdash;ca-souse
+he went.</p>
+
+<p>"O, lor' a mas&mdash;mas&mdash;e, do&mdash;do&mdash;don't drown me, Bob;
+I'll&mdash;I'll promise never to&mdash;" in they put him again; the
+water was as cold as ice.</p>
+
+<p>"Will you promise never to take or carry a story again?"</p>
+
+<p>"I d&mdash;d&mdash;d&mdash;<i>do</i> promise, if&mdash;yo&mdash;yo&mdash;yo&mdash;you&mdash;don't&mdash;duc&mdash;"
+and in he went again.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you promise to mind your own business and let
+others alone, Uncle Josh?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ye&mdash;ye&mdash;yes, I d&mdash;<i>do</i>, I&mdash;I&mdash;I'll promise anything&mdash;bo&mdash;boys,
+only let me go," says Uncle Josh.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, boys," says Polly Higgins, rousing, jolly critter
+she was, too, "I owe Uncle Josh one more dip: he lied
+about my gal, Polly Higgins, and&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"O, ho, Seth Jones, that's you, ain't it?&mdash;Well&mdash;we&mdash;well,
+I said nothing about Polly; it was Heeltap said it,
+'deed it was."</p>
+
+<p>Then they let old Josh off, vowing they'd give Heeltap
+his gruel next night, and the moment Josh got clear of
+his sousers, he cut for home. Next day Heeltap cleared
+himself.&mdash;Uncle Josh soon found out that he had been
+ducked by the women, and, for his own peace, moved
+to Iowa, and Frogtown has been a happy place ever since.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="your_own_Wife" id="your_own_Wife"></a>Penalty of Kissing your own Wife.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Cato, when Censor of Rome, expelled from the Senate
+Manilius, whom the general opinion had marked out
+for counsellor, because he had given his wife a kiss in the
+day time, in the sight of his daughter. And this reminds
+us of a local story told us by one of the "oldest inhabitants"
+of the city, that occurred once upon a time in this
+harbor. Before the Revolutionary war, one of the King's
+ships was stationed here, and occasionally cruised down to
+the south'ard. It so chanced that after a long absence the
+cruiser arrived in the harbor on Sunday, and as the naval
+captain had left his wife in Boston, the moment she heard
+of his arrival she hastened down to the water side in order
+to receive him. The worthy old sea captain, on landing,
+embraced his lady with tenderness and true affection.
+This, as there were many spectators by, gave great offence
+to the puritanical landsmen, and was considered as an act
+of indecency and a flagrant profanation of the Sabbath.
+The next day, therefore, the captain was summoned before
+the magistrates and selectmen, who, with many severe rebukes
+and pious exhortations, ordered him to be publicly whipped!</p>
+
+<p>The old captain stifled his indignation and resentment as
+much as possible; and as the punishment, from the frequency
+of it, was not attended with any degree of disgrace,
+he mixed as usual with the best of company, and even with
+the selectmen he soon ceased to be else than familiar as ever.</p>
+
+<p>At length the vessel was ordered home, to England, and
+the captain, therefore, with seeming concern to take leave
+of his worthy friends, and that they might spend a more
+happy and convivial day together before their final separation,
+invited the principal magistrates and selectmen to
+dine with him the day of his departure, on board his ship.
+They readily accepted the invitation, and nothing could be
+more glorious than the entertainment that was given.</p>
+
+<p>At length the solemn moment arrived that was to part
+them&mdash;the anchor was apeak, the sails unfurled, and nothing
+was wanted but the signal to get under way. The
+captain, after taking an affectionate and formal leave of
+his worthy municipal friends, accompanied them upon deck
+where the boatswain and crew were ready to receive them.
+He here thanked them afresh for the civilities they had
+shown him, of which the captain assured them he should
+bear a kind remembrance.</p>
+
+<p>"One point of civility, only," he continued, "gentlemen,
+remains to be adjusted between us, and as it is in my
+power to settle it, I shall be most happy to do so. You
+infernal old rogues you, you whipped me for evincing a
+due regard and love for my wife, and now, lest you perpetrate
+the outrage again 'gainst all law and reason, I'll
+give you a lesson that will last your lifetime. Boatswain,
+strip each of these rogues to the waist, lash them fast and
+put on your cat-o'-nine tails forty stripes each!"</p>
+
+<p>The boatswain, mid the laugh and acclamation of the
+whole crew, went to the work with a hearty good will, and
+after giving the magistrates and selectmen a fine dressing
+all around, he cut them loose, put them in their boat, and
+the ship set sail down the harbor and soon disappeared in
+the dim dist cut ocean.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Miseries_of_Housekeeping" id="Miseries_of_Housekeeping"></a>Mysteries and Miseries of Housekeeping.</h2>
+
+
+<p>People of experience tell awful stories about the
+miseries of boarding, and boarding-houses, and it is
+very clearly palpable to us that keepers of boarding-houses
+could a tale unfold of their own miseries, equal, if not
+double that of the luckless creatures who board. That
+housekeeping has its joys it would be vain to deny, but
+we need no ghost come from the grave to inform us that
+the secrets of the kitchen are as numerous and as harrowing,
+as all can attest that ever had occasion to keep house
+or hire a "Betty."</p>
+
+<p>When Mr. Peter Perriwinkle got married, he exclaimed
+against hotels, and abominated boarding-houses; quitting
+both species of human habitations, he "up" and rented a
+house, and to hear his glowing description of the house&mdash;such
+a cosy little three-storied brick house, on a street too
+broad for the neighbors opposite to see into his front parlors,
+and no houses in the rear from which the prying eye
+of the curious and idle could spy into back kitchen closets
+or dinner pots&mdash;in brief, Perriwinkle went on with that
+strain of domestic eloquence, peculiar to new beginners in
+the arts and mysteries of housekeeping, and after a general
+detail of the quiet comfort and unalloyed happiness he
+and Mrs. P. were bound to enjoy for the balance of their
+lives, we merely observed&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, my dear sir, you've but the ephemeral bright side
+of your vision yet. But no matter, dear Pete, as the man
+said of the sausages&mdash;hope for the best, but be prepared
+for the worst."</p>
+
+<p>"But, brother Jack, I've no reason to look for any thing
+but a good time. Haven't I married one of the best women
+in the world? I'm too experienced in life, my boy, to call
+any female women angels, doves, or sugar plums, you know,
+but my wife is a real woman!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, Pete, she is all that," said we.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, ain't I square with the world? Enough laid up
+for a wet day&mdash;don't care twopence ha'penny for politics,
+or soldier fol-de-rols&mdash;who wins or who loses in such hums?"</p>
+
+<p>"Granted, old fellow."</p>
+
+<p>"I tell you I've a perfect little paradise of a house engaged,
+furnished and provisioned for a twelvemonth."</p>
+
+<p>"No doubt of all that."</p>
+
+<p>"As to friends and acquaintances, I have plenty, and
+of the right stripe, too; I'd swear to that without any reluctance."</p>
+
+<p>"I hope, Peter, you have."</p>
+
+<p>"Then what in faith do you imagine I have in embryo to
+upset or disturb the even tenor of my way, old boy? Come,
+answer that."</p>
+
+<p>"Does your domestic apparatus work well?"</p>
+
+<p>"I haven't tried it yet."</p>
+
+<p>"Are your appurtenances&mdash;your household appointments&mdash;from
+kitchen to parlor, from coal cellar to top scuttle, all
+they are cracked up to be?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you see, the fact is, I can't tell that, yet."</p>
+
+<p>"Do your chimneys draw? Does your range or cooking
+stove do things up brown? Have you got your Bettys?"</p>
+
+<p>"I vow you've sort of got me this time, brother Jack;
+but I'll find out, soon, and let you know."</p>
+
+<p>"Do, if you please, Peter, and let us hear an account
+of how things are working after the first quarter's experience."</p>
+
+<p>Perriwinkle opened with a neat supper party. We attended,
+and every thing looked cap-a-pie; new, tasteful and
+happy as any thing human under God's providence and the
+art and judgment of man could promise. At midnight the
+company dispersed, all wishing the Perriwinkles life, love,
+and lots of the small fry.</p>
+
+<p>Months passed, full three; we met our old and familiar
+friend, Peter Perriwinkle, and as we had not seen him for
+some time, we met with greetings most cordial.</p>
+
+<p>"How is every thing, old boy&mdash;paradise regained?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ah," said Peter, with an ominous shake of the head,
+"dear Jack,&mdash;we've a great deal to learn in this world,
+and as our old friend Sam Veller says, whether its worth
+while to pay so much to learn so little, at cost&mdash;is a question."</p>
+
+<p>"You begin to think so, eh?"</p>
+
+<p>"Things don't work quite so smooth as I expected&mdash;I've moved!"</p>
+
+<p>"What? Not so soon?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir," said Perriwinkle; "that house was a nuisance!"</p>
+
+<p>"A nuisance? Why, I thought you were in raptures with it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Had water every wet spell, knee-deep in the cellar; full
+of rats, bugs, and foul air."</p>
+
+<p>"You don't say so?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I do," said Perriwinkle, mournfully. "Chimneys
+smoked, paper peeled off the walls, Mrs. P. got the rheumatics,
+a turner worked all night, next door, the fellow that
+had previously lived or stayed in the house, ran off, leaving
+all his bills unpaid, and our door bell was incessantly kept
+ringing by ugly and impudent duns, and the creditors of
+the rascal, whom I did not know from a side of sole leather.
+I lived there in purgatory!"</p>
+
+<p>"Too bad," said we. "Well, you've moved, eh?"</p>
+
+<p>"Moved&mdash;and such an infernal job as it was. You know
+the two vases I received as a present from my brother, at
+Leghorn; I wouldn't have taken $100 each, for them&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"They are worth it; more too."</p>
+
+<p>"The carman dropped one out of his hands, broke it into
+a half bushel of flinders, and I hit the centre table upon
+which the other stood, with a chair, and broke it into forty
+pieces. But, that wasn't any thing, sir. My wife packed
+up the elegant set of china presented her by her sister, in a
+large clothes basket, and set it out in the hall, and while
+our Irish girl and the carman were carrying out a heavy
+trunk, the girl lost her balance and fell bump into the basket.
+She weighed over two hundred pounds&mdash;every article
+of the china was crushed into powder!"</p>
+
+<p>"This was too bad," said we, condolingly.</p>
+
+<p>"Our carpets were torn in getting them up, for I had
+them put down fast and tight, never supposing they'd come
+up until thread-bare and out of fashion; they were stained
+and daubed. The veneering of the piano and other furniture
+is scratched and torn; a hundred small matters are
+mutilated. Franklin thought a few moves was as bad as a
+fire; one move convinces me that the old man was right.
+But, my dear fellow, I won't bore you with my miseries.
+We are now moved, and look comfortable again. Call and
+see us, do. Good bye."</p>
+
+<p>About a fortnight after meeting Perriwinkle, one evening
+we went up town to see him and his lady. Mrs. P.,
+before marriage, was an uncommon even-tempered and
+most amiable woman. She had now been married about six
+months. Upon entering the parlor we found Mrs. P.
+laboring under much "excitement," and poor Peter&mdash;he
+was doing his best to pacify and soothe her&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Halloo! what's the trouble?"&mdash;we were familiar enough
+to ask the question&mdash;as they were alone, without intruding.</p>
+
+<p>"Take a seat, John," said Perriwinkle. "Mrs. P. and
+the cook have had a misunderstanding. A little muss,
+that's all."</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Humphries," responded the irritated wife, "you
+don't know how one's temper and good nature are put out,
+sir, by housekeeping; by the impudence, awkwardness, and
+wasteful habits of servants, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh! yes, we do, Mrs. P.; we've had our experience," we replied.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, sir," she continued, "I have suffered so in ordering,
+directing, and watching these women and girls&mdash;had
+my feelings so outraged by them, time and again, since we
+began housekeeping, that I vow I am out of all manner of
+patience and charity for them. We have had occasion to
+change our help so often, that I finally concluded to submit
+to the awkwardness that cost us sets of china, dozens of
+glasses, stained carpets, soiled paints, smeared walls, rugs
+upon the top of the piano, and the piano cloths put down
+for rugs; Mr. P.'s best linen used for mops, and puddings
+boiled in night-caps. But, sir, when this evening I found
+the dough-tray filled with the chambermaid's old clothes,
+she wiping the lamps with our linen napkins, and the cook
+washing out her stockings in the dinner pot&mdash;I gave way
+to my angry passions, and cried with vexation!"</p>
+
+<p>And she really did cry, for female blood of Mrs. P.'s
+pilgrim stock, couldn't stand that, nohow.</p>
+
+<p>P. S.&mdash;Perriwinkle and lady sold off, and took rooms
+at the Tremont House, in order to preserve their morals
+and money.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="of_a_Dandy" id="of_a_Dandy"></a>Miseries of a Dandy.</h2>
+
+
+<p>That <ins title="poverity">poverty</ins> is at times very unhandy&mdash;yea, humiliating,
+we can bear witness; but that any persons
+should make their poverty an everlasting subject of shame
+and annoyance to themselves, is the most contemptible nonsense
+we know of. During our junior days, while officiating
+as "shop boy," behind a counter in a southern city, we
+used to derive some fun from the man&oelig;uvres of a dandy-jack
+of a fellow in the same establishment. He was of the bullet-headed,
+pimpled and stubby-haired <i>genus</i>, but dressed
+up to the <i>nines</i>; and had as much pride as two half-Spanish
+counts or a peacock in a barnyard.</p>
+
+<p>Charley was mostly engaged in the ware rooms, laboratory,
+etc., up stairs. He would arrive about 7 A. M.,
+arrayed in the costume of <i>the latest style</i>, as he flaunted
+down Chestnut Street&mdash;by the way, it was a long, idle
+tramp, out of his road to do so,&mdash;his hair all frizzled up,
+hat shining and bright as a May morn, his dickey so stiff
+he could hardly expectorate over his <i>goatee</i>, while his
+"stunnin'" scarf and dashing pin stuck out to the admiration
+of Charley's extensive eyes, and the astonishment of half
+the clerks and all the shop boys along the line of our Beau
+Brummell's promenade!</p>
+
+<p>It was very natural to conceive that Charley was impressed
+with the idea, that he was the envy of half the men,
+and the <i>beau</i> ideal of all the women he met! But your
+real dandy is no particular lover of women; he very naturally
+so loves himself that he lavishes all his fond affection
+upon his own person. So it was with our <i>beau</i>&mdash;he
+wouldn't have risked dirtying his hands, soiling his "patent
+leathers," or disarranging his scarf the thirteenth of an
+inch, to save a lady from a mad bull, or being run down
+by a wheelbarrow! Charley, to be sure, would walk with
+them, talk with them, beau them to the theatre, concert or
+ball room, provided always&mdash;they were dressed all but to
+within half an inch of their lives! The man who introduced
+a new and <i>stunnin</i>' hat, scarf, or coat, Charley would swear
+friendship to, on sight! A shabby, genteel person was his
+abomination; a patch or darn, utterly horrifying! He
+lived, moved, breathed&mdash;ideally, his ideality based, of course,
+upon ridiculous superfluities of life&mdash;leather and prunella,
+entirely. Charley looked upon "a dirty day" as upon a
+villanously-dressed person, while a bright, shining morn&mdash;giving
+him amplitude to make a "grand dash," won from
+him the same encomiums to the producer that he would
+bestow on the getter-up of an elegant pair of cassimeres&mdash;commendable
+works of an artist! The <i>genus</i> dandy,
+whether of savage or civilized life, is a felicitous subject for
+peculiar, speculative, comparative analogy or <i>analysis</i>; we
+shall pursue the shadow no farther, but come to the substance.</p>
+
+<p>After arriving at the establishment, Charley would strip
+off his "top hamper," placing his finery in a closet with
+the care and diligence of a maiden of thirty, and upwards.
+Then, donning a rude pair of over-alls and coat, he condescended
+to go to work. Now, in the said establishment,
+our <i>beau</i> had few friends; the men, girls, and boys were
+"down" upon him; the men, because of his dandyism; the
+females hated him, because Charley stuck his long nose <i>up</i>
+at "shop girls," and wouldn't no more notice them in the
+streets, than if they were chimney sweepers or decayed
+esculents! We boys didn't like him no how, generally,
+though it was policy for him to treat us tolerably decent,
+because his pride made it imperiously necessary that some
+of the "little breeches" should do small chores, errands,
+bringing water from the street, carrying down to <i>the shop</i>
+goods, etc., which might otherwise devolve upon himself.
+But men, girls and boys were always scheming and practising
+jokes and tricks upon the <i>beau</i>. The boys would all
+rush off to dinner&mdash;first having so dirtied the water, hid
+the towels and soap, that poor Charley would necessarily
+be obliged to go down into the public street and bring up
+a bucket of the clean element to wash his begrimed face
+and hands. And mark the difficulties and <i>diplomacy</i> of
+such an arrangement. Charley would slip down into the
+lower entry, peep out to see if any body was looking,&mdash;if a
+genteel person was visible, the <i>beau</i> held back with his
+bucket; after various <ins title="reconnoissances">reconnaissances</ins>, the coast would
+appear clear, and the <i>beau</i> would dash out to the pump,
+agitate "the iron-tailed cow" with the force and speed of
+an infantile earthquake&mdash;snatch up the bucket, and with
+one <i>dart</i> hit the doorway, and glide up stairs, thanking his
+stars that nobody "seen him do it!"</p>
+
+<p>In one of these <i>forays</i> for water, the <i>beau</i> was decidedly
+cornered by two of the "shop girls." They, sly creatures,
+observed poor Charley from an upper "landing" of the
+stairway, in the entry below, watching his chance to get a
+clear coast to fill his dirty bucket. The moment the beau
+darted out, down rush the girls&mdash;slam to the door and
+bar it!</p>
+
+<p>The <i>beau</i>, dreaming of no such diabolical inventions,
+gives the pump an awful <i>surge</i>, fills the bucket, looks down
+the street, and&mdash;O! murder, there come two ladies&mdash;the
+first <i>cuts</i> of the city, to whom Charley had once the honor
+of a personal introduction! With his face turned over his
+shoulder at the <i>ladies</i>&mdash;his nether limbs desperately nerved
+for <i>tall walking</i>,&mdash;he dashes at the supposed open entryway,
+and&mdash;nearly knocked the panel out of the door, smashing
+the bucket, spilling the water, and slightly killing himself!</p>
+
+<p>It was almost "a cruel joke," in the girls, who, taking
+advantage of the stunning effect of the operation, unbarred
+the door and vanished, before poor Charley picked himself
+up and scrambled into the lower store to recuperate.</p>
+
+<p>Weeks ran on; the beau had enjoyed a respite from the
+wiles of his persecutors, when one morning he was forced
+to come down into the store in his working gear, well be-spattered
+with oleaginous substances, dust and dirt; in this
+gear, Charley presented about as ugly and primitive a looking
+Christian, as might not often&mdash;before California life
+was dreamed of&mdash;be seen in a city. We <i>did</i> quite an extensive
+retail trade&mdash;the store was rarely free from <i>ton</i>-ish
+citizens, mostly "fine ladies," in quest of fine perfumes,
+soaps, oils, etc., to sweeten and decorate their own beautiful
+selves. But, before venturing in, our <i>beau</i> had an eye
+about the horizon, to see that no impediments offered;
+things looked safe, and in comes the beau.</p>
+
+<p>We were upon very fair terms with Charley, and he was
+wont to regale us with many of his long stories about the
+company he <i>faced</i> into, the "conquests" he made, and the
+times he had with this and that, in high life. Fanny Kemble
+was about that time&mdash;belle of the season! <i>Lioness</i> of the
+day! setting corduroy in a high fever, and raising an awful
+<i>furore</i>&mdash;generally! Alas! how soon such things&mdash;cave in!</p>
+
+<p>Charley got behind the counter to stow away some articles
+he had brought down, and began one of his usual harangues:</p>
+
+<p>"Theatre, last night, Jack?"</p>
+
+<p>"No; couldn't get off; wanted to," said we.</p>
+
+<p>"O, you missed a grand opportunity to see the fashion
+beauty and wealthy people of this city! Such a house!
+Crowded from pit to dome, met a hundred and fifty of my
+friends&mdash;ladies of the first families in town, with all the
+'high boys' of my acquaintance!"</p>
+
+<p>"And how did Fanny <i>do</i> Juliet?" we asked.</p>
+
+<p>"Do it? Elegant! I sat in the second stage box with
+the two Misses W. (Chestnut street belles!) and Colonel
+S. and Sam. G., and his sister (all <i>nobs</i> of course!), and
+they were truly entranced with Miss Kemble's Juliet! I
+threw for Miss G. her elegant bouquet,&mdash;Fanny kissed her
+fingers to me, and with a <i>look</i> at me, as I stood up so&mdash;(the beau
+gave a tall <i>rear up</i> and was about to spread himself,
+when glancing at the door, he sees&mdash;two ladies! right
+in the store!) <i>thunder!</i>" he exclaims.</p>
+
+<p>If the beau had been hit by a streak of lightning, he
+would not have <i>dropped</i> sooner than he did, behind the counter.</p>
+
+<p>The ladies proved to be <i>nobody</i> else than those of the
+very two Misses W. themselves; they lived close by, and
+frequently came to the store. Beneath our counter were
+endless packages, broken glass, refuse oils, rancid perfumes,
+dust, dirt, grease, charcoal, soap, and about everything else
+dingy and offensive to the eye and nose. The place afforded
+a wretched refuge for a hull so big and nice as our beau's,
+but there he was, much in our <i>way</i> too, with the mournful
+fact, for Charley, that if those "fine ladies" stayed less
+than half an hour, without overhauling about every article
+in the store, it would be a white stone indeed in the fortunes
+of the beau! The ladies sat; they dickered and examined&mdash;we
+exhibited and put away, the beau lying crouched
+and crucifying at our feet, and we sniggering fit to
+burst at the <i>contretemps</i> of the poor victim. Charley
+stood it with the most heroic resignation for full twenty
+minutes, when the two Misses W. got up to go. Casting
+their eyes towards the door, who should be about to pass
+but the divine Fanny!</p>
+
+<p>Fanny Kemble! Seeing the two Misses W., whose recognition
+and acquaintance was worth cultivating&mdash;even
+by the haughty queen of the drama and belle of the hour;
+she rushed in, they all had a talk&mdash;and you know how
+women can talk, will <i>talk</i> for an hour or two, all about nothing
+in particular, except to <i>talk</i>. Imagine our beau,&mdash;"Phancy
+his phelinks," as <i>Yellow Plush</i> says, and to
+heighten the effect, in comes the boss! He comes behind
+the counter&mdash;he sees poor Charley sprawling&mdash;he roars out:</p>
+
+<p>"By Jupiter! Mr. Whackstack, are you sick? <i>dead</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>"Dead?" utters Fanny.</p>
+
+<p>"A man dead behind your counter, sir?" scream the Misses W.!</p>
+
+<p>With one desperate <i>splurge</i>, up jumps the beau; rushes
+out, up stairs&mdash;gets on his clothes, and we did not see him
+again for over two years!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Juvenile_Joe_Miller" id="Juvenile_Joe_Miller"></a>A Juvenile Joe Miller.</h2>
+
+
+<p>We observed a small transaction last Wednesday noon,
+on Hanover street, that wasn't so coarse for an urchin
+hardly out of his swaddling clouts. He was a cunning-looking
+little fellow, and poking his head into a shoe
+shop, he bawls out in a very keen, fine, silvery voice&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"S-a-a-y, Mister-r-r&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Eh?&mdash;what?" says the shop-keeper.</p>
+
+<p>"Somebody's got your boots out here!"</p>
+
+<p>Supposing, of course, that somebody was pegging away
+with a bunch of his <i>wares</i> at the door, Lapstone rushes out
+and cries&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Where?"</p>
+
+<p>"There," says the shaver; "they're there&mdash;somebody's
+got 'em&mdash;hung up 'long your window there."</p>
+
+<p>Lapstone seized a box lid to give the juvenile joker a
+flip, but he scooted, grinning and ha! ha!-ing in the most
+provoking strain.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Selling_a_Landlord" id="Selling_a_Landlord"></a>"Selling" a Landlord.</h2>
+
+
+<p>During the great gathering of people in Quakerdom,
+while the Whigs were dovetailing in Old Zack,
+an artful dodger, a queer quizzing Boston friend of mine,
+thought a little <i>side play</i> wouldn't be out of the way, so to
+work he goes to get up a muss, and I'll tell you how he
+managed it, nice as wax.</p>
+
+<p>Among the Boston delegates&mdash;self-constituted, <i>a la</i> Gen.
+Commander&mdash;was a certain gentleman, remarkable for his
+probity, decorum, and extreme sensitiveness. Well, A.,
+the <i>wag</i>, and B., the <i>victim</i>, landed together, but selected,
+in the general overflow and hurly-burly, different lodgings.
+Next morning, A. finds B. stowed away in &mdash;&mdash;'s Hotel,
+fine as a fiddle, snug as a bug, in a good room, and doing
+about <i>as</i> well as could be expected. A. had had indifferent
+luck, and the quarters he had lit upon were any thing
+but comfortable, the inmates of the Hotel being stowed
+away in <i>tiers</i>, like herrings in a box. A. thought he'd <i>oust</i>
+his innocent and unsuspecting friend, and crack his joke,
+if it cost a law suit, just for the sake of variety.</p>
+
+<p>With the <i>address</i>, and <i>partly the</i> dress&mdash;a white hat&mdash;of
+a man of the <i>mace</i>, A. steps up to the bar of &mdash;&mdash;'s Hotel,
+and after carefully scrutinizing the register, finds the autograph
+of the victim, then smiles suspiciously, enough to
+say to the observant bar-keeper&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Aha! I've found him!" Then leaning cautiously forward
+towards that person, says A.&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Is this man here yet? Is he in the house?"</p>
+
+<p>"I b'leave he is, sur,&mdash;I know he is, sur," says the Milesian,
+overlooking the register himself.</p>
+
+<p>"Come here last night?" continues A., in his suspicious strain.</p>
+
+<p>"He did, sur!" answers the grog-mixer.</p>
+
+<p>"Has nothing but a valise and umbrella?" says A.</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing else, sur, I believe," is the reply.</p>
+
+<p>"That's him! that's him! I've found him!" exultantly
+exclaims A., while the bar-keeper and landlord, who had
+now come forward, eagerly wanted to know if any thing
+was wrong with the gentleman whose arrival was being discussed.</p>
+
+<p>"Step aside, sir," says A. to the proprietor; "I don't
+want any disturbance made, at such a time; it might do
+your fine establishment more harm than good; <i>but</i>, there is
+a person stopping in your house that I have followed from
+Boston; I have kept my eye on his movements(!); I know
+his designs, his practices, <i>well</i>; I'm on his track&mdash;he
+dodged me last night, but I've found him&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, do you pretend to assert that this man (scrutinizing
+the register) is a pick-pocket, a thief, or something of
+the kind, sir?" earnestly inquired the proprietor.</p>
+
+<p>"You keep <i>mum</i>, sir," said A., coolly tapping the lappel
+of the landlord's coat&mdash;"I've got him <i>safe!</i> Let
+him rest for awhile&mdash;I've got him! Do you understand?"
+says the wag, winking a knowing, significant <i>wink</i> at the landlord.</p>
+
+<p>"No, cuss me if I do understand you, sir!" sharply replies
+the landlord. "If there is a dangerous or disreputable
+person in my house, sir, I would thank you to tell me,
+sir, and I will soon put him where the dogs won't bite him, sir!"</p>
+
+<p>"There is no use of unnecessary alarm, my friend," says
+A., in a low tone; "the truth is, this person whom I have
+followed here, has made a heavy <i>draw</i> on one of our Boston
+banks, by means of certain checks and certificates, and&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Oho! That's it, eh?" interposes the landlord, beginning
+to see his guest in a more <i>dignified</i> light, that of a
+splendid thief; so his rigid frown, called in play by the
+supposition that a petty rascal was on his premises, subsided
+into a wise smile, which A. interrupts with&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"You've hit it; but keep quiet! Don't let us go too
+<i>far</i> before we're sure the bird is in our cage. He's worth
+attending to; I'm not sure he's <i>got</i> the abstracted money
+about him; but when he settles with you, just notice the
+size of his wallet, and its contents; may have an officer
+handy, if you like. If he has a large roll of notes, especially
+on the Traders' Bank, nab him, and keep him until I
+come," said A.</p>
+
+<p>"Where do you stop, sir?" inquired the landlord.</p>
+
+<p>"At the&nbsp;&mdash;&mdash;, Chestnut street," A. replies.</p>
+
+<p>"Shall be attended to, sir, I warrant you. Is there a
+reward out, sir, for this person?" says the landlord.</p>
+
+<p>"O! no; it has all been kept quiet. <i>Policy</i>, you see;
+he left in such a hurry, he thought he'd be lost sight of in
+this crowd here in your city. If he has the money, we'll
+make 'a spec,' you understand?"</p>
+
+<p>"I see, I see," said the befogged landlord; "I'll keep
+a sharp look out for him, and let you know the moment I
+find him fairly out."</p>
+
+<p>That afternoon, as B. called for his bill at the bar of &mdash;&mdash;'s Hotel,
+the landlord was <i>about</i>, all in a <i>twitter</i>, with
+two policemen in the distance, and sundry especial friends
+hanging about, to whom the landlord had unbosomed the
+affair. All were anxiously watching the result of the business.
+B. hands forth his capacious wallet, stuffed with
+"<i>documents</i>" of the Traders' Bank, of Boston,&mdash;from which
+institution he had <i>drawn</i> a pile of funds, to invest in coal
+at Richmond,&mdash;and no sooner did B. place an X, of the
+Traders' Bank, upon the bar, than the excited landlord's
+eyes danced like shot on a hot shovel, and giving the
+constables the <i>cue</i>, poor B. found <ins title="himsesf">himself</ins> <i>waited upon</i>, in a
+brace of shakes, by those two custodians, while the landlord
+grabbed the wallet out of B.'s hand, with a suddenness
+that completely mesmerized him.</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen," says the landlord to the officers, "do your duty!"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, look here!" says B., squirming about in the
+grasp of the officers, and reaching over for the landlord
+and his wallet&mdash;"what the thunder are you about? Come,
+I say, none of your darn'd nonsense now; let me go, I tell
+you, and hand back that wallet, Mister &mdash;&mdash;."</p>
+
+<p>But B. was "a goner." They favored him with no explanation,
+of course, and were about trotting him forth to
+the Mayor's office, when a well known Anthracite merchant
+came in, in quest of B. Some inquiry followed, explanation
+ensued, and the result was, that after poor B.
+got a little reconciled to the <i>joke</i>, he joined issue with a
+laughing chorus at the expense of the <i>sold</i> landlord, who,
+in consideration of all hands keeping <i>mum</i>, put the party
+through a course of juleps.</p>
+
+<p>I may as well observe, that I regret there is no particular
+<i>moral</i> to this sketch.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Scientific_Labor" id="Scientific_Labor"></a>Scientific Labor.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Bob, what yer doing now?"</p>
+
+<p>"Aiding Nat'ral History."</p>
+
+<p>"Aiding Nat'ral History&mdash;what do yer mean by that?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why every time the kangaroo jumps over the monkey,
+I hold his tail up."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="that_Poor_Woman" id="that_Poor_Woman"></a>Who was that Poor Woman?</h2>
+
+
+<p>I do not know a feminine&mdash;from the piney woods of
+Maine to the Neuces&mdash;so given to popularity, newspaper
+philippics, and city item bombards, as Aunt Nabby
+Folsom, of the town of Boston. The name and doings of
+Aunt Nabby are linked with nearly all popular cabals in
+Faneuil Hall, the "Temple," "Chapel," or Melodeon&mdash;from
+funeral orations to political caucusses&mdash;Temperance
+jubilees to Abolition flare ups; for Aunt Nabby never
+allows <i>wind</i>, weather or subject, time, place or occasion, to
+prevent her "full attendance." The police, and over-zealous
+auditors, at times <i>snake her down</i> or crowd her old
+straw bonnet, but Aunt Nabby is always sure of the polite
+attention of the "Reporters," and shines in their notes,
+big as the biggest toad in the puddle.</p>
+
+<p>Indeed, Aunt Nabby is one of 'em!&mdash;a perfect she-male
+Mike Walsh. She will have her <i>say</i>, though a legion of
+constables stood at the door; her principal <i>stand-point</i> is
+the freedom of speech and woman's rights, and she goes in
+tooth and nail <i>agin law</i>, Marshal Tukey, and the entire
+race-root and rind of the Quincys&mdash;particularly strong!
+Aunt Nabby is subject to a series, too tedious to mention,
+of "sells" by the <i>quid nuncs</i> and rapscallions of the day,
+and one of these "sells" is the pith of my present paper.</p>
+
+<p>It so fell out, when Jenny Lind arrived here, about every
+fool within five-and-fifty miles ran their heels and brazen
+faces after the Nightingale and her carriage wherever she
+went, from her bed-chamber to her dinner table, from her
+drawing-room to the Concert Hall. It took Barnum and
+his whole "private secretary" force and equal number of
+policemen and servants, besides Stephens himself, of the
+Revere, and his bar-keeper, to keep the mob from rushing
+pell-mell up stairs and surrounding Jenny as Paddy did the Hessians.</p>
+
+<p>Now and then a desperate fellow got in&mdash;had an audience,
+grinned, backed down and went his way, tickled as a
+dog with two tails. Others were victimized by notes from
+Barnum (!) or Miss Lind's "private secretary," offering an
+interview, and many of these transactions were "rich and
+racy" enough, in all conscience, for the pages of a modern
+Joe Miller. But Aunt Nabby Folsom's time was about
+as rich as the raciest, and will bear rehearsing&mdash;easy.</p>
+
+<p>"Good morning, sir," said a pleasing-looking, neatly-dressed,
+elderly lady, to the two scant yards of starch and
+dickey behind Stephens' slab of marble at the Revere.</p>
+
+<p>"Good morning, ma'am," responded the <i>clark</i>, who, not
+knowing exactly who the lady was, <i>jerked</i> down his well-oiled
+and brushed "wig and whiskers" to the entire satisfaction
+of the matronly lady, who went on to say&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"I wish to see Miss Lind, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"Guess she's engaged, ma'am."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, but I've an invitation, sir, from Miss Lind, to
+call at 9 A. M. to-day. I like to be punctual, sir; my time
+is quite precious; I called precisely as desired; Miss Lind
+appointed the time; and&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, very well, very well, ma'am," said the <i>clark</i>, with
+a flourish, "if Miss Lind has invited you&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, of course she has! Here's her&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"O, never mind, ma'am; all correct, I presume."</p>
+
+<p>The "pipes" and bells soon had the attendance of a gang
+of white-jacketed, polish-faced Paddies, and the elderly
+lady was marshalled, double-file, towards the apartments of
+the Nightingale.</p>
+
+<p>Jenny had but just "turned out," and was "feeding"
+on the right wing and left breast of a lark, the leg of a
+canary, "a dozen fried" humming bird eggs&mdash;her customary
+fodder of a morning.</p>
+
+<p>The servants passed the countersigns, and the elderly
+lady was admitted&mdash;the Nightingale, without disturbing the
+ample folds of her camel's hair dressing-gown&mdash;a present
+from the Sultan of all the Turkies, cost $3,000&mdash;motioned
+the matron to squat, and as soon as she got her throat in
+talking order, said&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Goot mornins."</p>
+
+<p>"How do you do?" responds the old lady.</p>
+
+<p>"Pooty well, tank'ees. You have some breakest? No!"</p>
+
+<p>"No, ma'am. I've had my breakfast three hours ago."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes? indeed! you rise up early, eh?&mdash;Well, it is goot
+for ze hels, eh?"</p>
+
+<p>"So my doctor says," responded the matron. "But I
+like to get up and be stirring around."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! yes; you stir around, eh? What you stir around?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, Miss Lind, I'll tell you what I stir around.
+I-stir-the-monsters
+(Miss Lind looks sharp)
+who-try-to-trample-on-the-universal-rights-<i>of-woman!</i>
+(The matron 'up'
+and gesticulating like the brakes of an engine&mdash;Miss Lind
+drops her eating tools&mdash;eyes of the two servants bulge out!)
+A-n-d I-stir-the-demagogues-who-assemble-in-Faneuil-Hall
+(down with the brakes!), to prevent-the-freedom-of-speech
+(rush upon the brakes!), a-a-n-d-put-me-down!"</p>
+
+<p>It was evident that the appetite of the Nightingale was
+getting spoiled&mdash;she looked suspicious, and, just in time to
+prevent the female orator&mdash;who was no other personage,
+of course, than Aunt Nabby Folsom, from ripping into a
+regular caucus fanfaronade of gamboge and gas, a knock
+upon the door announced a "call" for Miss Lind, to dress
+and appear to a fresh lot of bores&mdash;yclept the Mayor and
+his suit of Deacons, soup, pork and bean-venders.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! yes; I will be ready in one min't. Madame, you
+will please come again; once more, adieu&mdash;good mornins&mdash;adieu!"</p>
+
+<p>And Aunt Nabby, in spite of her ancient teeth, found
+herself bowed&mdash;half way down stairs&mdash;into the hall, and
+clean out doors, before she caught her breath to say another
+word upon the interminable subject of the freedom of
+speech and woman's rights!</p>
+
+<p>But Aunt Nabby "blowed"&mdash;O! didn't she <i>blow</i> to
+the various tea and toast coteries, scandal and slang express
+women&mdash;and the various knots of anxious crowds who
+stood about Bowdoin Square during the Lind mania!
+Aunt Nabby had had a genuine <i>tete-a-tete</i> with the Nightingale&mdash;and,
+ecod, an invitation to call again! But
+Jenny Lind, and her cordon of sentinels, secretaries and
+suckers, were "fly" for the old screech owl, when again
+and again she beset the <i>clark</i> and the stairways of the Revere.
+Though Aunt Nabby hung on and growled dreadfully,
+she finally caved in and kept away.</p>
+
+<p>When Jenny Lind gave the proceeds of one concert to
+charitable purposes, among the items set down in the list
+was&mdash;"A poor woman&mdash;<i>one hundred dollars!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, it's you, of course," said a <i>quid-nunc</i>, to Aunt
+Abby, as she held the Evening Transcript in her hands, in
+the store of Redding &amp; Co., and observed the interesting
+item above alluded to.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, so I think," says Aunt Nabby. "If I ain't a
+poor woman, and a var-tuous woman, and a good and <i>true
+woman</i> (down came her brakes on the book piles), I'd like
+to know where&mdash;<i>where</i>, on this univarsal <i>yearth</i> (down
+with the brakes), you'd find one! One hundred dollars to
+a poor woman," she continued, reading the item. "I must
+be the person&mdash;yes, Abigail, <i>thou art the man!</i>" she concluded
+in her favorite apothegm.</p>
+
+<p>The <i>quid</i> gave Abby the residence of the Agent (!) who
+was to disburse the Lind charities, and away went Abby
+to the Agent, who happened to be an amateur joker; knowing
+Aunt Abby, and smelling a "sell," he told the old 'un
+that Mr. Somerby, of No.&nbsp;&mdash; Cornhill, the joker of the
+Post, was the Agent, and would shell out next morning, at
+nine o'clock. At that hour, S. had Aunt Nabby in his
+sanctum. He knew the ropes, so assured Abby that there
+was a mistake; Charles Davenport, of Cornhill, rear of
+Joy's building, was the man. Charles D. informed Aunt
+Nabby, that he had declined to disburse for Miss Lind, but
+that Bro. Norris, of the Yankee Blade, had the pile, and
+was serving it out to an excited mob. Norris declared
+that she was in error. She was not, by a jug full, the only,
+poor woman in town, and didn't begin to be <i>the</i> poor woman
+set forth in Miss Lind's schedule! But Aunt Nabby wasn't
+to be <i>done!</i> She besieged Miss Lind&mdash;followed her to the
+cars&mdash;mounted the platform&mdash;Jenny espied her, and to
+avoid a harangue on the freedom of speech and woman's
+rights, hid her head in her cloak. The last exclamation the
+Nightingale heard from the screech owl, was&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Miss Jane Lind&mdash;who was that poor wom-a-n?"</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Infirmities_of_Nature" id="Infirmities_of_Nature"></a>Infirmities of Nature.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Some folks are easily glorified. We once knew a man
+who became so elated because he was elected first sergeant
+in the militia, that he went home and put a silver plate on
+his door. Ollapod, in speaking of this kind of people,
+makes mention of one Sabin, who was so overjoyed the first
+time he saw his name in the list of letters, advertised by the
+post-office, that he called his friends together and put them
+through on woodcock.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="and_his_Mother" id="and_his_Mother"></a>Andrew Jackson and his Mother.</h2>
+
+
+<p>It is a most singular, or at least curious fact, connected
+with the histories of most all eminent men, that they
+were denied&mdash;by the decrees of stern poverty, or an all-wise
+Providence&mdash;those facilities and indulgences supposed to
+be so essentially necessary for the future success and prosperous
+career of young men, but acted as "whetstones" to
+sharpen and develop their true temper! The fact is very
+vivid in the early history of Andrew Jackson&mdash;a name that,
+like that of the great, godlike Washington, must survive the
+wreck of matter, the crush of worlds, and, passing down the
+vista of each successive age, brighter and more glorious,
+unto those generations yet to come, when time shall have
+obliterated the asperities of partisan feeling, and learned to
+deal most gently with the human frailties of the illustrious dead.</p>
+
+<p>Andrew Jackson, senior, emigrated from Ireland in 1765,
+with his wife and two boys&mdash;Hugh and Robert, both very
+young; they landed at Charleston, S. C, where Jackson
+found employment as a laborer, and continued to work
+thus for several years, until, possessed of a few dollars, he
+went to the interior of the state and bought a small place
+near Waxhaw. About this time, 1767, Andrew Jackson, Jr.,
+was born, and during the next year&mdash;by the time the infant
+could lisp the name of his parent&mdash;the father fell sick of fever
+and died. Mrs. Jackson, left with three small children, in
+an almost wild country, where nothing but toil of a severe
+and arduous kind could provide a subsistence, was indeed
+in a most grievous situation. But she appears to have been
+a woman of no ordinary temperament, courage, and
+perseverance, for she continued cheerfully the work left her&mdash;rearing
+her boys, and preparing them for the situations in
+life they might be destined to fill. Mrs. Jackson was a
+woman of some information, and a strong advocate for the
+rights and liberties of men; as, it is said, she not only gave
+her boys their first rudiments of an English education, but
+often indulged in glowing lectures to them of the importance
+of instilling in their hearts and principles an unrelenting
+war against pomp, power, and circumstance of monarchical
+governments and institutions! She led them to know
+that they were born free and equal with the best of earth,
+and that that position was to be their heritage&mdash;maintained
+even at the peril of life and property! and how well he
+learned these chivalric lessons, the countrymen of Andrew
+Jackson need not now be told, as it was exemplified in every
+page of his whole history.</p>
+
+<p>Hugh, Robert, and Andrew, were now the widow's hope
+and treasures; Hugh and Robert were her main dependence
+in working their little farm, and Andrew, never a
+very robust person, was early sent to the best schools in
+the neighborhood, and much care taken by his mother to
+have him at least educated for a profession&mdash;the ministry.
+This resolve was more perhaps decided upon from the naturally
+stern, contemplative, and fixed principles of young
+Jackson; as at the early age of fifteen, he was by nature
+well prepared for the scenes being enacted around him, and
+in which, even those young as himself, were called upon to
+take an active part. This was in the days of the revolution,
+when the weak in numbers of this continent were
+about to try the <i>experiment</i> of living free and independent,
+and establish the fact that royalty was an imposition and a
+humbug, only maintained by arrogance and pomp at the
+point of the bayonet.</p>
+
+<p>The British had begun the war&mdash;already had the echoes
+of "Bunker Hill," and the smell of "villainous saltpetre,"
+invaded and aroused the quiet dwellers in the woods and
+wilds of South Carolina, and the chivalric spirit that has
+ever characterized the men of the Palmetto state, at once
+responded to the tocsin of <i>liberty</i>. It was with no slight
+degree of sorrow and aching of the mother's heart, that she
+saw her two sons, Hugh and Robert, shoulder their muskets
+and join the Spartan band that assembled at Waxhaw
+Court-house. But she blessed her children and gave up
+her holy claim of a mother's love, for the common cause of
+the infant nation.</p>
+
+<p>Cornwallis and his army crossed the Yadkin, Lord Rawden,
+with a large force, took the town of Camden, and
+began a desolation of the adjacent country. Being apprised
+of a "rebel force" in arms at Waxhaw, he immediately
+dispatched a company of dragoons, with a company
+of infantry, to capture or disperse the "rebels." About
+forty men, including the two boys Jackson, were attacked
+by these veterans of the British army, but aided by their
+true courage, a good cause, and perfect knowledge of the
+country, they gave the invaders a hot reception, and many
+of the enemy were killed; and not until having made the
+most determinate resistance, and being overwhelmed by the
+great majority of the opposing forces, did these patriots
+retreat, leaving many of their friends dead upon their soil,
+and eleven of their number prisoners in the hands of the
+British. It was during this fight that Andrew Jackson&mdash;a
+mere lad&mdash;hearing the noise of the conflict, while he sat in
+the log-house of his mother, besought her to allow him to
+take his father's gun, and fly to join his brothers. And it
+was vain that the parent restrained him, knowing the temperament
+of the boy, from this dangerous determination;
+for with one warm embrace and parting kiss upon the brow
+of his mother, Andrew Jackson buckled on his powder-horn
+and bullet-pouch, and rushed to the scene of battle.
+But his friends were already flying, and hotly pursued by
+the enemy. Andrew met his brother Robert, who informed
+him of the death of their elder brother, Hugh; the two
+boys now fled together and concealed themselves in the
+woods, where they lay until hunger drove them forth&mdash;they
+sought food at a farm house, the owner of which proved to
+be a <i>tory</i>, and gave information to some soldiers in the vicinity&mdash;the
+Jacksons were both captured and led to prison.
+In the affray&mdash;for they yielded only by force&mdash;Robert was
+cut on the head by a sword in the hands of a petty officer,
+and he died in great agony in prison. It was here and
+then that the firm and manly bearing of the boy was exhibited;
+for he stood his griefs and imprisonment like a true
+hero. Not a tear escaped him by which his enemies might
+be led to believe he feared their power, or wavered in his
+allegiance to the cause of his country.</p>
+
+<p>"Here, <i>boy</i>, clean my boots!" said an officer to him.
+But the bright defiant eye of the boy smote the captor with
+a look, and as he curled his firm lips in scorn, he answered,</p>
+
+<p>"No, sir, I will <i>not!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"You won't? I'll tie you, you young saucy rebel, to
+your post, and skin your back with a horse whip, if you do
+not clean my boots."</p>
+
+<p>"Do it," said the lion-hearted boy&mdash;"for I'll not stoop
+to clean the boots of your master!"</p>
+
+<p>The infuriated ruffian drew his sword, and to defend his
+head from the blow, Andrew threw up his little hand and
+received a gash&mdash;the scar of which went with him to the
+tomb at the Hermitage. A Captain Walker, of South Carolina,
+with a dozen or twenty men, during the imprisonment
+of Andrew Jackson, made a desperate charge upon a
+company of the British, near Camden, and captured thirteen
+of them; these prisoners he exchanged for seven of his
+countrymen, including the boy Andrew Jackson, prisoners
+of the enemy. Andrew hurried home&mdash;his poor old mother
+was upon her death bed, attended by an old negro nurse of
+the Jackson family, and suffering not only from the great
+multitude of grief consequent upon the death of her heroic
+sons, but for want of the common necessaries of life, the
+invaders having stripped the widow of her last pound of
+provisions. The life-spark rekindled in the eye of the mother,
+as she beheld her darling boy safe at her bedside&mdash;she
+grasped his hand with the firmness of a dying woman,
+and turning her eyes upon the now weeping boy, said,</p>
+
+<p>"Andrew, I leave you,&mdash;son, you will soon be alone in
+the world; be faithful, be true to God and your
+country&mdash;that&mdash;when&mdash;the&mdash;hour of death approaches you&mdash;will
+have&mdash;nothing to&mdash;dread&mdash;every thing&mdash;to hope for."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Andrew was taken ill after the burial of his mother, and
+but for the constant and tender care of the old black nurse&mdash;the
+last of the Jackson family&mdash;would have then passed
+away; he recovered&mdash;he was alone&mdash;not a relative in the
+world; poor, and in a land ravaged by a foreign foe, could
+a boy be more desolate and lonely? With a few "effects"
+thrown upon his shoulders, he went to North Carolina, Salisbury,
+where he entered the office of a famed lawyer&mdash;Spruce
+M'Cay&mdash;was admitted to the bar in 1778&mdash;went to
+Tennessee&mdash;served as a soldier in the Indian wars of 1783&mdash;chosen
+a Senator 1797&mdash;Major General in 1801&mdash;whipped
+the British in the most conclusive manner at New Orleans
+in 1815, and triumphantly elected President of the United
+States for eight years in 1829. Andrew Jackson followed
+his mother's advice, and he not only triumphed over his
+hard fortune, but died a Christian, full of hope, in 1845.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Snaking_out_Sturgeons" id="Snaking_out_Sturgeons"></a>Snaking out Sturgeons.</h2>
+
+
+<p>We have roared until our ribs fairly ached, at the
+relation of the following "item" on sturgeons, by
+a loquacious friend of ours:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>It appears our friend was located on the Kennebec river,
+a few years ago, and had a number of hands employed about
+a dam, and the sturgeons were very numerous and extremely
+docile. They would frequently come poking their noses
+close up to the men standing in the water, and one of the men
+bethought him how delicious a morsel of pickled sturgeon
+was, and he forthwith made a preparation to "snake out" a
+clever-sized fish. Getting an iron rod at the blacksmith's
+shop, close at hand, he bends up one end like a fish hook,
+and, slipping out into the stream, he slily places the hook
+under the sturgeon's nose and into its round hole of a
+mouth, expecting to fasten on to the victimized, harmless
+fish, and "yank" him clean and clear out of his watery element.
+But, "lordy," wasn't he mistaken and surprised!
+The moment the hook touched the inside of the sturgeon's
+mouth, the creature backed water so sudden and forcibly as
+to near jerk the holder of the hook's head from its socket.
+The poor fellow was forty rods under water, and going
+down stream, before he mustered presence of mind enough
+to induce him to let go the hook!</p>
+
+<p>However, the lookers-on of this curious man&oelig;uvre took
+a boat and fished out their half-drowned comrade, who
+concluded that he had paid pretty dearly for his whistle.</p>
+
+<p>The sturgeon-catching did not end here. After the
+laugh of the above-mentioned adventure had ceased, some
+one offered to bet a hat that he could hold a sturgeon and
+snake him clean out of the water; and as the man who <i>had</i>
+tried the experiment felt altogether dubious about it, he at
+once bet that the sturgeon would be more than a match for
+any man in the crowd.</p>
+
+<p>The wager was duly staked, a rod crooked, the operator
+tucked up his sleeves and trowsers, and wades out to where
+a sturgeon or two were lying off in the shallow water. Of
+course the operation now became a matter of considerable
+interest; and as the man was a stout, hearty fellow, able to
+hold a bull by the horns, few entertained doubts of his
+bringing out <i>his</i> sturgeon.</p>
+
+<p>After a long time the operator gets his hook under the
+sturgeon, and leans forward to stick it close into the jaws
+of the victim; and no sooner was that part of the feat accomplished,
+than Mr. Sturgeon "backs out" with the velocity
+of chain lightning, carrying his assailant under water
+and down stream! The man held on; and there they went,
+foaming and pitching, until the fellow, finding his breath
+nearly out of his body; his neck, arms, and legs just about
+dislocated, concluded to lose the hat and let the hook and
+sturgeon go!</p>
+
+<p>Pretty well used up, the poor fellow succeeded in getting
+out of the river, a convert to the first experimental idea of
+the strength and velocity of fish, especially a big sturgeon.</p>
+
+<p>Beginning to imagine that fish could swim, or had some
+muscular power, several of the bystanders were rife for experimenting
+on the sturgeons.</p>
+
+<p>Another iron rod was converted into a hook, and two
+burly-built Paddys volunteered to hook the fish. An opportunity
+was not long waited for, ere a jolly good elastic
+nosed genus sturgeon came smelling up close to where the
+Paddys had posted themselves upon some moss-covered,
+slippery stones, and with a sudden spasmodic effort, the
+man with the hook planted it firmly into the suction hole of
+the fish, while his companion held on to a rope fast to the
+hook. Before Pat could say Jack Robinson, of course he
+was jerked off his feet, and, letting go the iron, the other
+Paddy and the sturgeon set sail, having all the fun to themselves!
+This proved, or very nearly so, a serious <i>denouement</i>
+to the sturgeon-catching by hand, for Paddy was carried
+clean and clear off soundings, and so repeatedly
+immersed in deep water, that his life was within an ace of
+being wet out of his body. The rope parted at last (poor
+Pat never thought of letting go his "hould"), and being
+dipped out of the liquid element and rolled over a barrel
+until his insides were emptied of the water, and heat restored
+through the influence of whiskey, he recovered, and
+further experimenting on sturgeons, that season, in the
+Kennebec, ceased.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Meanings_Mangling_English" id="Meanings_Mangling_English"></a>Mixing Meanings&mdash;Mangling English.</h2>
+
+
+<p>There is an individual in Quincy Market, "doing business,"
+who is down on customers who don't speak proper.</p>
+
+<p>"What's eggs, this morning?" says a customer.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Eggs</i>, of course," says the dealer.</p>
+
+<p>"I mean&mdash;how do they <i>go</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>"Go?&mdash;where?"</p>
+
+<p>"Sho&mdash;!" says the customer, getting up his <i>fury</i>, "what
+for eggs?"</p>
+
+<p>"Money, money, sir! or good endorsed credit!" says the dealer.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't you understand the English language, sir?" says
+the customer.</p>
+
+<p>"Not as you mix it and mangle it; I don't!" responded
+the egg merchant.</p>
+
+<p>"What&mdash;is&mdash;the&mdash;price&mdash;per&mdash;dozen&mdash;for&mdash;your&mdash;eggs?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! now you talk," says the dealer. "Sixteen cents
+per dozen, is the price, sir!" They traded!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="the_Wrong_Passenger" id="the_Wrong_Passenger"></a>Waking up the Wrong Passenger.</h2>
+
+
+<p>In "comparing notes" with a travelled friend, I glean
+from his stock of information, gathered South-west, a
+few incidents in the life of a somewhat extensively famed
+Boston panoramic artist&mdash;one of which incidents, at least,
+is worth rehearsing. Some years ago, the South-west was
+beset by an organized coalition of desperadoes, whose daring
+outrages kept travellers and the dwellers in the Mississippi
+valley in continual fear and anxiety. "Running niggers"
+was one of the most popular and profitable branches of the
+business pursuits of these gentlemen freebooters, and, next
+to horse-stealing, was the most practised.</p>
+
+<p>At length, the citizens "measured swords" with the freebooters,
+or land pirates, more properly; forming themselves
+into committees, the citizens opened <i>Court</i> and practised
+Judge Lynch's <i>code</i> upon a multitude of just occasions.
+At the time of which we write, Mill's Point, on the Mississippi,
+was no great shakes of a <i>town</i>, but a spot where a
+very considerable amount of whiskey was drank, and a corresponding
+quantity of crime and desperate doings were
+enacted; indeed, some of the worst scenes in Southern
+Kentucky's tragic dramas were performed there. It so fell
+out, that some of the land pirates had been actively engaged
+in levying upon the negroes and mules around Mill's Point,
+and the protective committee were on the alert to capture
+and administer the law upon these fellows. It was discovered,
+one evening, as the shades of a black and rather
+tempestuous night were closing upon the mighty "father
+of waters" and his ancient banks, that a mysterious <i>voyageur</i>,
+or sort of piratical <i>vidette</i>, was seen in his light canoe,
+hugging the shore, either for shelter or some insidious purpose.</p>
+
+<p>The canoe and its navigator were diligently watched;
+but the coming storm and darkness soon closed observation,
+and the parties noticing the transaction hurried forward to
+the <i>Point</i>, and announced one or more of the land pirates
+in the neighborhood! Of course, the town&mdash;of some four
+houses, six "groceries," a <i>store</i> and blacksmithery&mdash;was
+aroused, indignant! Impatient for a victim, the <i>posse
+comitatus</i> "fired up," armed to the teeth with pistol,
+bludgeon, blunderbuss, gun, bowie-knife, and&mdash;whiskey,
+started up the river to reconnoitre and intercept the pirate
+and his crew.</p>
+
+<p>Each nook and corner along shore, for some three miles,
+was carefully&mdash;as much so as the darkness would admit&mdash;scoured.
+The Storm-King rode by, the stars again twinkled
+in the azure-arched heavens, and soon, too, the bright silver
+moon beamed forth, and suddenly one of the vigilant
+committee espies the land-pirate and his canoe noiselessly
+floating down the rapid stream! No time was to be lost;
+the committee man, rather pleased with the fact of his
+being the first to make the discovery, apprised a comrade,
+and the two hurried back to the Point, to get a canoe and
+start out to capture the enemy. The canoe was obtained, three
+courageous men, armed to the teeth, as the saying goes,
+paddled off, and indeed they had not far to paddle, for
+right ahead they saw the mysterious canoe of the enemy!
+Where was the pirate? Asleep! Lying down in his
+frail vessel; either asleep, or "playing possum." At all
+events, the Mills-Pointers gave the enemy but a brief period
+to sleep or act; for, dashing alongside, a brawny arm
+seized the victim in the strange canoe by the breast and
+throat, with such a rush and fierceness that both canoes
+were upon the apex of "swamping."</p>
+
+<p>"Don't move! Don't budge an inch, or you're a case
+for eels, you thief!"</p>
+
+<p>"Make catfish bait of him at once!" yelled the second.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't move," cried the third, "don't move, you possum,
+or you're giblets, instanter!"</p>
+
+<p>But these injunctions scarcely seemed necessary, for, even
+had the captive been so inclined, he neither possessed the
+power nor opportunity to move a limb.</p>
+
+<p>"Haul him out," cried one.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, lug him into our boat," said another; "so now,
+you skunk, lay still; don't open your trap, or I'll brain you
+on sight!"</p>
+
+<p>Having transferred the body of the captive from his
+"own canoe" to theirs, the Mills-Pointers made fast the
+stranger's <i>dug-out</i>, and then paddled for the landing. The
+pirate was duly hauled ashore, or on to the <i>wharf-boat</i>,
+and left under guard of one of the captors&mdash;a dreadful ugly-looking
+customer, a <i>cross</i> between a whiskey-cask, bowie-knife,
+and a Seminole Indian or bull-dog, and armed equal
+to an arsenal&mdash;while the other two went up to the nearest
+"grocery," reported the capture, took a drink, and sent out
+word for <i>Court</i> to meet. The poor victim was deposited
+on his back across some barrels, with his hands tied behind
+him. Recovering his scattered senses, the <i>pirate</i>
+"waked up."</p>
+
+<p>"Look here, my virtuous friend," said he to his body-guard,
+who sat on an opposite barrel, with a heavy pistol
+in his hand, "what's all this about?"</p>
+
+<p>"Shet up!" responded the guard; "shet up your gourd.
+You'll know what's up, pooty soon, you ugly cuss, you!"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, that's explicit, anyhow!" coolly continued the
+captive. "But all I want to know, is&mdash;am I to be robbed,
+killed off, or only initiated into the mysteries of your craft?"</p>
+
+<p><a name='Pg_305' id='Pg_305'></a>"Shet up, you piratin' cuss, you; shet up, or I'll give
+you a settler!" was the reply.</p>
+
+<div class='image' id='illo005'>
+
+<img src='images/illo005.png'
+	alt="Shet up, you piratin' cuss you"
+	title="Shet up, you piratin' cuss you"
+/>
+
+<p>"Shet up, you piratin' cuss you; shet up or I'll give you
+a settler!&mdash;<a href='#Pg_305'><i>Page</i> 305.</a></p>
+
+</div>
+
+<p>"Well, really, you are accommodating," cavalierly replied
+the but little daunted captive. "One thing consoling
+I glean, my virtuous friend, from your scraps of information&mdash;you
+are not a pirate yourself, or in favor of that science!
+But I should like to know, old fellow, where I am, and
+what the deuce I'm here for."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, you'll soon diskiver the perticklers, for here comes
+the <i>Court</i>, and they'll have you dancin' on nothin' and kickin'
+at the wind, pooty soon; you kin stake your pile on that!"</p>
+
+<p>And with this, a hum was heard, and soon a mob of a
+dozen well-<i>stimulated</i> citizens, and strangers about the
+Point, came rushing and yelling on to the wharf-boat and
+were quite as immediately gathered around the captive.
+The first impulse of the <i>posse comitatus</i> appeared to manifest
+itself in a desire to hang the victim&mdash;straight up! A
+second (how <i>sober</i> we know not) thought induced them to
+ask a question or two, and for this purpose the presiding
+<i>judge</i> drew up before the still prostrate captive, and said&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Who are you? What have you got to say for yourself, anyhow?"</p>
+
+<p>The sunburnt, ragged, and rather romantic-looking prisoner
+turned his face towards the <i>judge</i>, and replied&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"I have nothing of consequence to say, neighbor. I
+would like to know, however, what all this means!"</p>
+
+<p>"Where's your crew, you villain?" said the <i>judge</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"Crew? I have never found it necessary to have any,
+neighbor; navigation never engrossed a great deal of my
+attention, but I get along down here very well&mdash;without a crew!"</p>
+
+<p>"You do?" responded the <i>judge</i>; "well, we're going to
+hang you up."</p>
+
+<p>"You are, eh?" was the cool reply; "well, I have
+always been opposed to capital punishment, neighbor, and
+I know it would be unpleasant to me now!"</p>
+
+<p>The quiet manner of his reply rather won upon the <i>Court</i>,
+and says the <i>judge</i>&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Who are you, and where are you from?"</p>
+
+<p>"My name is Banvard&mdash;John Banvard, from Boston!"</p>
+
+<p>"It is, eh? What are you doing along here, alone in a canoe?"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Taking a panorama of the Mississippi, neighbor, that's all.</i>"</p>
+
+<p>The <i>Court</i> adjourned <i>sine die</i>; the clever artist was untied,
+treated to the best the market afforded, that night;
+his canoe, rifle, &amp;c., restored next day, and John went on
+his way rejoicing in his narrow escape&mdash;finished his sketches,
+and the first great panorama "got up" in our country, and
+which he took to Europe, after making a fortune by it in America.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Genius_for_Business" id="Genius_for_Business"></a>Genius for Business.</h2>
+
+
+<p>It's a highly prized faculty in shop-keeping to sell something
+when a customer comes in, if you can. A female
+relative of ours went into a Hanover street fancy store
+'tother day, to "look over" some ivory card and needle
+cases; the slightly agricultural-looking clerk "flew around,"
+and when the question "Have you any ivory card cases?"
+was propounded, he responded&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Not any, mum;" glancing into the show-case, his visual
+orbs <i>lit</i> upon a profusion of well-known matters in domestic
+economy, for the abrogation of certain parasitic insects.</p>
+
+<p>"Haven't any card cases, mum,&mdash;<i>got some elegant ivory
+small-tooth combs!</i>"</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Any_Old_Boots" id="Any_Old_Boots"></a>Have You Got Any Old Boots?</h2>
+
+
+<p>No slight portion of the ills that flesh is heir to, in a
+city life, is the culinary item of rent day. Washing
+day has had its day&mdash;machines and <i>fluid</i> have made washing
+a matter of science and ease, and we are no longer
+bearded by fuming and uncouth women in the sulks and
+suds, as of yore, on the day set apart for renovating soiled
+dimities and dickeys. Another and more important matter,
+from the extent of its obnoxiousness to our nerves and temper,
+has come home to our very threshold and hearths, to
+disturb the even tenor of our domestic quietude and peace.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Have you got any ole boots?</i>"</p>
+
+<p>Boston lost a good citizen by those bell-pulling, gate-whacking,
+back-door-pounding infernal collectors of time
+and care-worn <i>boots</i>. The old boot gatherers were almost
+as diverting as novel to me, when I first located in Boston;
+but I have long since learned to hate and abhor them, and
+their co-laborers in the tin-pan, tape, tea-pot, willow work,
+and white pine ware trade, with a most religious enthusiasm.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Have you got any ole boots?</i>"</p>
+
+<p>How often&mdash;a hundred times at least, have I gone to the
+door and heard this inquiry&mdash;ten times in one day, for I
+kept count of it, and used enough "strong language" at
+each shutting&mdash;banging to of the door, to last a "first
+officer" through a gale of wind.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Have you got any ole boots?</i>"</p>
+
+<p>The idea of jumping up from your beef steak and coffee,
+or morning paper&mdash;just as you had got into a deeply interesting
+bit of information on "breadstuff's," California, or
+the Queen's last baby, to open your door, and espy a
+grim-visaged and begrimed son of the Emerald Isle, just rearing
+his phiz above the pyramid of ancient and defiled
+leather, and meekly asking&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Have yez got any ole boots?</i>"</p>
+
+<p>These <i>collectors</i> are of course prepared for any amount
+of explosive <i>gas</i> you may shower down upon their uncombed
+crowns, as the cool and perfectly-at-home manner they descend
+your steps to mount those of your next-door neighbor
+plainly indicates. The "pedlers" and&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Have you got any ole boots?</i>"</p>
+
+<p>Drove my respected&mdash;middle-aged friend Mansfield&mdash;clear
+out of town! Mr. Mansfield was a <i>retired</i> flour merchant;
+he was not rich, but well to do in the world. He
+had no children of his own, in lieu of which, however, he
+had become responsible for the "bringing up" of two
+orphans of a friend. One of these children was a boy, old
+enough to be <i>devilish</i> and mightily inclined that way. The
+boy's name was Philip, the foster father he called Uncle
+Henry, and not long after arriving in town, and opening
+house at the South End, Mr. Mansfield&mdash;who was given
+to quiet musings, book and newspaper reading&mdash;found that
+he was likely to become a victim to the aforesaid hawkers,
+pedlers and old boot collectors.</p>
+
+<p>Uncle Henry stood it for a few months, with the firmness
+of an experienced philosopher, laying the flattering unction
+to his soul that, however harrowing&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Got any ole boots to-day?</i>"</p>
+
+<p style='text-indent:0'>might be to him, for the present, he could grin and bear
+and finally get used to it, as other people did. But Uncle
+Henry possessed an irritable and excitable temperament,
+that not one man in ten thousand could boast of, and hence
+he grew&mdash;at length sour, then savage, and, finally, quite
+meat-axish, towards every outsider who dared to ring his
+bell, and proffer wooden ware and tin fixins, for rags and
+rubbers, or make the never-to-be-forgotten inquiry&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Have you got any ole boots to-day?</i>"</p>
+
+<p>Always at home, seated in his front parlor, and his frugal
+wife not permitting the expense of a servant, Uncle Henry,
+or Master Philip, were obliged to wait on the door. The
+old gentleman finally concluded that the pedlers and old boot
+collectors, more as a matter of daily amusement than profit
+or concern&mdash;gave him a call. And laboring under this impression,
+Uncle Henry determined to give the nuisances, as
+he called them, a reception commensurate with their impertinence
+and his worked up ire.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, Philly," said Uncle Henry, one morning after
+breakfast, "we'll fix these&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"'<i>Got any ole boots?</i>'</p>
+
+<p>"We'll give the rascals a caution, they won't neglect
+soon, I'll warrant them. Bring me the hammer and nails;
+that's a man; now get uncle the high chair; so, that's it;
+now I'll fix this shelf up over the top of the door, on a
+pivot&mdash;bore this hole through here&mdash;put the string through
+that way, here, umph; oh, now we'll have a trap for the
+scoundrels. I'll learn them how to come pulling people's
+bells, clean out by the very roots, making us drop all, to
+come wait on them, rot them&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"'<i>Got any ole boots?</i>'</p>
+
+<p>"I'll give you old boots, by the lord Harry; I'll give
+you a dose of something you won't forget, to your dying day."</p>
+
+<p>And thus jabbering, fixing and pushing about the revolving
+shelf, over his hall door, Mr. Mansfield worked
+away at his trap. Like that of most dwellings in Boston,
+Uncle Henry's front door was <i>sunk</i> some six or eight feet
+into the face of the house, reached by a flight of six granite
+steps&mdash;side and top lights to the door, in the ordinary way,
+with brass plate and bell pull. It was in a neighborhood
+not <i>plebeian</i> enough to induce butcher boys to enter the
+hall, with the pork and potatoes, nor admit of the servant
+girl heaving "slops" out of the front windows; yet not
+sufficiently parvenu to impress pedlers and</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Got any ole boots?</i>"</p>
+
+<p style='text-indent:0;'>with aristocratic or "respectable" <i>awe</i>, ere venturing to
+mount the steps, pull the bell, and mention tin pots, scrap
+iron, rags and old leather. Mr. Mansfield was inclined to
+<i>chuckle</i> in his sleeves at the <i>ruse</i> he would be enabled to
+give his tormentors through the agency of his revolving
+battery&mdash;charged with ground charcoal and brick dust, to
+be worked by himself or Philly, by means of a string on the
+inside. Philly was duly initiated into the <i>modus operandi</i>; when&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Got any ole boots?</i>"</p>
+
+<p style='text-indent:0;'>made his appearance, amid his pyramid of leather, or a
+pedler's wagon was seen in the neighborhood, Philly was
+to be on the <i>qui vive</i>, inform Uncle Henry, and if they
+mounted the steps, he would give them a shower bath upon
+a new and astonishing principle.</p>
+
+<p>It was perfect "nuts" for Master Phil; he was tickled
+at the idea, and readily agreed to Uncle Henry's propositions.
+Not long after arranging the "infernal machine,"
+Uncle Henry's attention was called to another part of the
+house; a dire calamity had befallen the Canary bird; a
+strange cat had pounced upon the cage&mdash;the door flew
+open, and puss nabbed the little warbler. Philly, on the
+look out, in front, discovers two old boot men approaching
+the neighborhood; desirous of showing his own skill, he did
+not call Uncle Henry, but posted himself behind the door&mdash;string
+in hand, awaiting the <i>cue</i>. Feet approach&mdash;quickly
+the feet mount the steps.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Ding al ling, ding de ding, ding, ding, ding!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Sh-i-i-s-swashe!</i>" and down comes the avalanche of
+coal dust and refined brick, the bulk of a peck, fair measurement!</p>
+
+<p>Uncle Henry reached the door just in time to see the
+penny postman covered from head to foot with the obnoxious
+composition! Philly took occasion to make a
+sudden exit, the postman swore&mdash;swore like a trooper, but
+Uncle Henry managed to pack the whole transaction upon
+the "devilish boy"&mdash;brushed the postman's clothes, and
+after some effort, so mollified him as to induce the sufferer
+to depart in peace. Uncle Henry <i>tried</i> to be very severe
+on Philly, but it was very evident to that hopeful that the
+old gentleman was more tickled than serious. Philly
+cleared the steps, and the old gentleman re-arranged the
+trap, admonishing Philly not to dare to meddle with it
+again, but call him when&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Got any ole boots?</i>" made their appearance.</p>
+
+<p>All was quiet up to noon next day; Uncle Henry had
+business down town, and left the house at 9 A. M. Philly
+was at school, but got home before Uncle Henry, and
+seeing the pedler wagon near the door&mdash;slipped in, and
+learning that the old gentleman was out, he gladly took
+charge of the battery again. Now, just as the pedler
+mounted the steps of the next door, Mr. Mansfield sees
+him, and hurries up his own steps, to be on the watch for
+the pedler. Philly had been <ins title="peaking">peeking</ins> out the corner of the
+side curtain, and seeing the pedler coming, as he thought,
+right up the steps&mdash;nabbed the string, and as Uncle Henry
+caught the knob of the door&mdash;down came thundering the
+brick dust and charcoal both, in the most elegant profusion.</p>
+
+<p>Phil was <i>tricked</i>. Uncle Henry's vociferations were equal
+to that of a drunken beggar&mdash;the trap was removed, Uncle
+Henry got disgusted with city life, and left&mdash;for rural retirement,
+without as much as giving one single rebuke to&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Got any ole boots to-day?</i>"</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Vagaries_of_Nature" id="Vagaries_of_Nature"></a>The Vagaries of Nature.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Nature seems to have her fitful, frightful, and funny
+moods, as well as all her children. Now she gets up
+a stone bridge, the gigantic proportions and the symmetrical
+development of which attract great attention from all
+tourists and historians who venture into or speak of "old
+Virginia." The old dame goes down far into the bowels
+of Mother Earth, in Kentucky, and builds herself, silently
+and alone, a stupendous under-ground palace, that laughs
+to scorn the puny efforts of man in that branch of business.
+She gets up sugar-loaf mountains, pillars of salt, great
+granite breastworks, and stone towers; hews out figure-heads,
+old men's noses on the beetling cliffs of New Hampshire,
+and throws up rocky palisades along the Hudson,
+that win wonder and delight from the floating million.
+Instances out of all number might be raked up, home and
+abroad, to show how the old dame has cut <i>didoes</i> in the
+prosecution of her manifold duties. But in Australia, it
+would seem, nature has taken most especial pains to appear
+slightly ridiculous or very eccentric.</p>
+
+<p>Old Captain Rocksalt informs us&mdash;and there is always
+wit, wisdom, and truth in the old man's stories&mdash;that he
+made voyages to Australia many times within the past
+thirty years, and having visited about all the sea-ports of
+the Continent, lived and almost died in Australia, his notes
+are worthy of attention. Capt. Cook discovered and named
+<i>Botany Bay</i>, the name originating from the fact that the
+land was covered with a luxurious growth of Botanical
+specimens. The Dutch discovered and named <i>Van Diemen's
+Land</i>. The English at once concluded to make
+Botany Bay a penal colony, and the first living freight of
+criminals and soldiers sent out, was some 700 in number,
+in 1788; but Capt. Phillip, the commander of the fleet,
+being dissatisfied with the looks of Botany Bay, hunted up
+a better place, and sailed to it. When Capt. Cook was
+cruising off there, one of his sailors, on the look out, cried,
+"Land ho!"</p>
+
+<p>Cook was over his wine and beef, in the cabin, and it
+took him some time to "tumble up" on deck.</p>
+
+<p>"Where the deuce is your land, eh?" bawls the old cruiser.</p>
+
+<p>"Larboard beam, sir!" responds the "lookout;" and,
+sure enough, a long, faint streak of land was visible from
+deck. The "lookout" announced a harbor, head-lands, &amp;c.;
+but the rum old captain, not being able to see any such
+indication, with a chuckle, says he&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"You booby! harbor, eh? Ha, ha! well, we'll call it a
+port, you powder monkey&mdash;<i>Port Jackson!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>And faith, so the lookout, Jackson, became <ins title="sponser">sponsor</ins>
+to the finest harbor in all Australia; for Capt. Phillip,
+upon rediscovering the harbor, took his fleet into it, and
+then and there began the now flourishing city of Sydney.</p>
+
+<p>Australia is an Island, lying opposite another&mdash;New
+Zealand. It is on the Indian Ocean, south side, while the
+east opens to the Pacific. Australia claims to contain a
+superficial area of over three million square miles, part
+desert, rather mountainous, and all being in one of the
+finest climates on the face of the earth. The air is dry, the
+soil light and sandy; the high winds stir up the dust and
+fine sand, and make ophthalmy the only positive ill peculiar
+to the country. Sheep-grazing, wool-growing, and boiling
+down sheep and cattle for tallow was the great business of
+the country from its earliest settlement up to 1851, when
+the <i>gold fever</i> swept the land.</p>
+
+<p>Australia was inhabited by over 100,000 natives, black
+cannibals of the ugliest description; but at this day not a
+hundred of them remain. The natives were exceeding
+stupid and useless; the first settlers, who, as Capt. Rocksalt
+observes, were jail-birds and scape-gallows, were not
+very dainty in dealing with the obnoxious natives; so they
+determined to get rid of them as fast and easy as possible.
+For this purpose, they used to gather a horde of them
+together, and give them poisoned bread and rum, and so
+kill them off by hundreds. It was a sharp sort of <i>practice</i>,
+but the <i>ends</i> seemed to justify the <i>means</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Gold, "laying around loose," as it did, was, no doubt,
+<i>discovered</i> years ago; but not in quantities to lead the
+ignorant to believe money could be made hunting it.
+People may be stupid; but it requires a far greener capacity
+than most of them would confess to&mdash;at least, ten years
+ago&mdash;to make them believe gold could be picked up in
+chunks out in the open fields.</p>
+
+<p>But Australia began to be populated; by convicts first;
+and then by far better people; though the very worst felons
+sent out often became decent and respectable men, which is
+indeed a great "puff," we think, for the healthfulness of
+the climate. A convict shepherd now and then used to
+bring into Sydney small lumps of gold and sell them to the
+watch-makers, and as he refused to say where or how he got
+them, it was suspicioned that he had secreted guineas or
+jewelry somewhere, and occasionally melted them for sale.</p>
+
+<p>However, one day the thing broke out, nearly simultaneously,
+all over Australia. Gold was lying around everywhere.
+The rocks, ledges, bars, gullies, and river-banks,
+which were daily familiar to the eyes of thousands, all of a
+sudden turned up bright and shining gold. Old Dame
+Nature must have laughed in her sleeve to see the fun
+and uproar&mdash;the scrabble and rush she had caused in her
+vast household.</p>
+
+<p>"It did beat <i>all!</i>" exclaims the old Captain. "In forty-eight
+hours Sydney was half-depopulated, Port Phillip
+nearly desolate, while the interior villages or towns&mdash;Bathurst,
+&amp;c., were run clean out!"</p>
+
+<p>Stores were shut up, the clerks running to the mines,
+and the proprietors after the clerks. Mechanics dropped
+work and put out; servants left without winking, leaving
+people to wait on themselves; doctors left what few
+patients they had, and bolted for the fields of Ophir; lawyers
+packed up and cut stick, following their clients and victims
+to the brighter fields of "causes" and effects. The newspapers
+became so short-handed that dailies were knocked
+into weeklies, and the weeklies into cocked hats, or something
+near it&mdash;mere eight-by-ten "handbills."</p>
+
+<p>These "discoveries" wrought as sudden as singular a
+revolution in men, manners, and things. As we said before,
+Australia was the very apex of singularities in the way of
+Dame Nature's fancy-work, long before the gold mania
+broke out; but now she seemed bent on a general and
+miscellaneous freak, making the staid, matter-of-fact Englishmen
+as full of caprice as the land they were living in.</p>
+
+<p>"Only look at it!" exclaims the Captain: "the day
+comes in the middle of our nights! When we're turning
+in at home, they are turning out in Australia. Summer
+begins in the middle of winter; and for snow storms they
+get rain, thunder and lightning. About the time we are
+getting used to our woollens and hot fires of the holidays,
+they are roasting with heat, and going around in linen
+jackets and wilted dickeys. The land is full of flowers of
+every hue, gay and beautiful, gorgeous and sublime to look
+at, but as senseless to the smell and as inodorous as so
+many dried chips. The swans are numerous, but jet black.
+The few animals in the country are all provided with
+pockets in their 'overcoats,' or skin, in which to stow their
+young ones, or provender. Some of the rivers really
+appear," says the Captain, "to run up stream! I was
+completely taken down," says the Captain, "by a bunch of
+the finest pears you ever saw. Myself and a friend were up
+the country, and I sees a fine pear tree, breaking down
+with as elegant-looking fruit as I ever saw.</p>
+
+<p>"'Well, by ginger,' says I, 'them are about as fine pears
+as I've seen these twenty years!'</p>
+
+<p>"'Yes,' says my friend, who was a resident in the
+country; 'perhaps you would like to try a few?'</p>
+
+<p>"'That I shall,' says I; so I ups and knocks down a
+few, and it was a job to get them down, I tell you; and
+when I had one between my teeth I gave it a nip&mdash;see
+there, two teeth broke off," says the Captain, showing us
+the fact; "the fine pears <i>were mere wood!</i></p>
+
+<p>"The country is well supplied with fine birds; but they
+are dumb as beetles, sir&mdash;never heard a bird sing or whistle
+a note in Australia. The trees make no shade, the leaves
+hang from the stems edge up, and look just as if they had
+been whipped into shreds by a gale of wind; and you rarely
+see a tree with a bit of bark on it.</p>
+
+<p>"But what completely upset me, was the cherries, sir&mdash;fine
+cherries, plenty of them, but the <i>stones were all on the
+outside!</i> The bees have no stings, the snakes no fangs,
+and the eagles are all white. The north wind is hot, the
+south wind cold. Our longest days are in summer; but in
+Australia, sir, the shortest days come in summer, and the
+longest in winter; and," says the Captain, "I can't begin
+to tell you how many curious didoes nature seems to cut,
+in that country; but, altogether, it's one of the queerest
+countries I ever did see, by ginger!"</p>
+
+<p>And we have come to the conclusion&mdash;it is. If the gold
+continues to "turn up" in such boulders and "nuggets"
+as recently reported, Australia is bound to be the richest
+and most densely populated, as well as <i>queerest</i> country
+known to man.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Disquisition_on_Hinges" id="Disquisition_on_Hinges"></a>A General Disquisition on "Hinges."</h2>
+
+
+<p>Did you ever see a real, true, unadulterated specimen
+of <i>Down East</i>, enter a store, or other place of every-day
+business, for the purpose of "looking around," or
+<i>dicker</i> a little? They are "coons," they are, upon all
+such occasions. We noted one of these "critters" in the
+store of a friend of ours, on Blackstone Street, recently.
+He was a full bloom <i>Yankee</i>&mdash;it stuck out all over him.
+He sauntered into the store, as unconcerned, quietly, and
+familiarly, as though in no great hurry about anything in
+particular, and killing time, for his own amusement. Absalom,
+Abijah, Ananias, Jedediah, or Jeremiah, or whatever
+else his name may have been, wore a very large fur cap,
+upon a very small and close-cut head; his features were
+mightily pinched up; there was a cunning expression about
+the corner of his eyes, not unlike the embodiment of&mdash;"catch
+a weazel asleep!" while the smallness of his mouth,
+thinness and blue cast of his chin and lips, bespoke a keen,
+calculating, pinch a four-pence until it squeaked like a
+frightened locomotive temperament! His "boughten" sack
+coat, fitting him all over, similar to a wet shirt on a broom-handle,
+was pouched out at the pockets with any quantity
+of numerous articles, in the way of books and boots, pamphlets
+and perfumery, knick-knacks and gim-cracks, calico,
+candy, &amp;c. His vest was short, but that deficiency was
+made up in superfluity of <i>dickey</i>, and a profusion of sorrel
+whiskers. Having got into the store, he very leisurely
+walked around, viewing the hardware, separately and
+minutely, until one of the clerks edged up to him:</p>
+
+<p>"What can we do for you to-day, sir?"</p>
+
+<p>Looking <i>quarteringly</i> at the clerk for about two full
+minutes, says he&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"I'd dunno, just yet, mister, what yeou kin do."</p>
+
+<p>"Those are nice hinges, real wrought," says the clerk, referring
+to an article the "customer" had just been gazing at
+with evident interest.</p>
+
+<p>"Rale wrought?" he asked, after another lapse of two minutes.</p>
+
+<p>"They are, yes, sir," answered the clerk. Then followed
+another pause; the Yankee with both his hands sunk deep
+into his trowsers' pockets, and viewing the hinges at a respectful
+distance, in profound calculation, three minutes full.</p>
+
+<p>"They be, eh?" he at length responded.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir, <i>warranted</i>," replied the clerk. Another long
+pause. The Yankee approached the hinges, two steps&mdash;picks
+up a bundle of the article, looks knowingly at them
+two minutes&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Yeou don't say so?"</p>
+
+<p>"No doubt about that, at all," the clerk replies, rather
+pertly, as he moves off to wait upon another customer, who
+bought some eight or ten dollars' worth of cutlery and
+tools, paid for them, and cleared out, while our Yankee
+genius was still reconnoitering the hinges.</p>
+
+<p>"I say, mister, where's them made?" inquires the Yankee.</p>
+
+<p>"In England, sir," replied the clerk.</p>
+
+<p>"Not in <i>Neuw</i> England, I'll bet a fo'pence!"</p>
+
+<p>"No, not here&mdash;in Europe."</p>
+
+<p>"I knowed they warn't made areound here, by a darn'd sight!"</p>
+
+<p>"We've plenty of American hinges, if you wish them,"
+said the clerk.</p>
+
+<p>"I've seen <i>hinges</i> made in <i>aour</i> place, better'n them."</p>
+
+<p>"Perhaps you have. We have finer hinges," answered
+the clerk.</p>
+
+<p>"I 'spect you have; I don't call <i>them</i> anything great, no how!"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, here's a better article; better hinges&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, them's pooty nice," said the Yankee, interrupting
+the clerk, "but they're small hinges."</p>
+
+<p>"We have all sizes of them, sir, from half an inch to four inches."</p>
+
+<p>"You hev?" inquiringly observed the Yankee, as the
+clerk again left him and the hinges, to wait on another customer,
+who bought a keg of nails, &amp;c., and left.</p>
+
+<p>"I see you've got brass hinges, tew!" again continued
+the Yankee, after musing to himself for twenty minutes, <i>full</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"O, yes, plenty of them," obligingly answered the clerk.</p>
+
+<p>"How's them brass 'uns work?"</p>
+
+<p>"Very well, I guess; used for lighter purposes," said the clerk.</p>
+
+<p>"Put 'em on desks, and cubber-doors, and so on?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; they are used in a hundred ways."</p>
+
+<p>"Hinges," says the Yankee, after a pause, "ain't considered,
+I guess, a very neuw invenshun?"</p>
+
+<p>"I should think not," half smilingly replied the clerk.</p>
+
+<p>"D'yeou ever see wooden hinges, mister?"</p>
+
+<p>"Never," candidly responded the clerk.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I <i>hev</i>," resolutely echoed the Yankee.</p>
+
+<p>"You have, eh?"</p>
+
+<p>"E' yes, plenty on 'em&mdash;eout in Illinoi; seen fellers eout
+there that never seen an iron hinge or a razor in their lives!"</p>
+
+<p>"I wasn't aware our western friends were so far behind
+the times as that," said the clerk.</p>
+
+<p>"It's a <i>fact</i>&mdash;dreadful, tew, to be eout in a place like
+that," continued the Yankee. "I kept school eout there,
+nigh on to a year; couldn't stand it&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, indeed!" mechanically echoed the poor clerk.</p>
+
+<p>"No, <i>sir</i>; dreadful place, some parts of Illinoi; folks
+air almighty green; couldn't tell how old they air, nuff on
+'em; when they get mighty old and bald-headed, they stop
+and die off, of their own accord."</p>
+
+<p>"Illinois must be a healthy place?" observed the clerk.</p>
+
+<p>"Healthy place! I guess not, mister; fever and ague
+sweetens 'em, I tell you. O, it's dreadful, fever and
+ague is!"</p>
+
+<p>"That caused you to leave, I suppose?" said the clerk.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, e' yes, partly; the climate, morals, and the water,
+kind o' went agin me. The big boys had a way o' fightin',
+cursin', and swearin', pitchin' apple cores and corn at the
+master, that didn't exactly suit me. Finally, one day, at
+last, the boys got so confeounded sassy, and I got the fever
+and agy so <i>bad</i>, that they shook daown the school-house
+chimney, and I shook my hair nearly all eout by the roots,
+with the <i>agy</i>&mdash;so I packed up and <i>slid!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>The clerk being again called away to wait on a fresh
+customer, the Yankee was left to his meditations and survey.
+Having some twenty more minutes to walk around the store,
+and examine the stock, he brought up opposite the clerk,
+who was busy tying up gimlets, screws, and stuff, for a
+carpenter's apprentice. Yankee explodes again.</p>
+
+<p>"Got a big steore of goods layin' areound here, haven't yeou?"</p>
+
+<p>"We have, sir, a fair assortment," said the clerk.</p>
+
+<p>"Them Illinoi folks haven't no <i>idee</i> what a place this
+Boston is; they haven't. I tried to larn 'em a few things
+towards civilization, but 'twaren't no sort o' use tryin'!"</p>
+
+<p>"New country yet; the Illinois folks will brighten up
+after a while, I guess," said the clerk. "Did you wish to
+examine any other sort of hinges, sir?" he continued.</p>
+
+<p>"Hain't I seen all yeou hev?"</p>
+
+<p>"O, no; here we have another variety of hinges, steel,
+copper, plated, &amp;c. These are fine for parlor doors, &amp;c.,"
+said the clerk.</p>
+
+<p>"E' yes them air nice, I swow, mister; look like rale
+silver. I 'spect them cost somethin'?"</p>
+
+<p>"They come rather high," said the clerk, "but we've got
+them as low as you can buy them in the market."</p>
+
+<p>"I want to know!" quietly echoes the Yankee.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir; what do you wish to use them for?" says the clerk.</p>
+
+<p>"Use 'em?" responded the Yankee.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes; what <i>priced</i> hinges did you require?"</p>
+
+<p>"What priced hinges?&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Exactly! Tell me what you require them <i>for</i>, and I
+can soon come at the <i>sort</i> of hinges you require," said the
+clerk, making an effort to come to a climax.</p>
+
+<p>"Who said <i>I</i> wanted any hinges?"</p>
+
+<p>"Who said you wanted any? Why, don't you want to
+buy hinges?"</p>
+
+<p>"Buy hinges? Why, <i>no;</i> I don't want nothin'; <i>I only
+came in to look areound!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>Having looked around, the imperturbable Yankee stepped
+out, leaving the poor clerk&mdash;quite flabbergasted!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Miseries_of_Bachelorhood" id="Miseries_of_Bachelorhood"></a>Miseries of Bachelorhood.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Dabster says he would not mind living as a bachelor,
+but when he comes to think that bachelors must die&mdash;that
+they have got to go down to the grave "without any body to
+cry for them"&mdash;it gives him a chill that frost-bites his philosophy.
+Dabster was seen on Tuesday evening, going
+convoy to a milliner. Putting this fact to the other, and
+we think we "smell something," as the fellow said when
+his shirt took fire.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Science_of_Diddling" id="Science_of_Diddling"></a>The Science of "Diddling."</h2>
+
+
+<p>Jeremy Diddlers have existed from time immemorial
+down, as traces of them are found in all ancient
+and modern history, from the Bible to Shakspeare, from
+Shakspeare to the revelations of George Gordon Byron,
+who strutted his brief hour, acted his part, and&mdash;vanished.
+Diddler is derived from the word <i>diddle</i>, to <i>do</i>&mdash;every body
+who has not yet made his debut to the Elephant. We believe
+the word has escaped the attention of the ancient
+lexicographers, and even Worcester, and the still more durable
+"Webster," have no note of the word, its derivation,
+or present sense.</p>
+
+<p>A "Jeremy Diddler" is, in <i>fact</i>, one of your first-class
+vagabonds; a fellow who has been spoiled by indulgent
+parents, while they were in easy circumstances. Trained
+up to despise labor, not capacitated by nature or inclination
+to pass current in a profession, he finds himself at twenty
+possessed of a genteel address, a respectable wardrobe, a
+few friends, and&mdash;no visible means of support. There are
+but two ways about it&mdash;take to the highway, or become a
+Diddler&mdash;a sponge&mdash;and, like woodcock, live on "suction."
+The early part of a Diddler's life is chiefly spent among the
+ladies;&mdash;they being strongly susceptible of flattering attentions,
+especially those of "a nice young man," your Diddler
+lives and flourishes among them like a fighting cock. Diddler's
+"heyday" being over, he next becomes a politician&mdash;an
+old Hunker; attends caucusses and conventions, dinners
+and inaugurations. Never aspiring to matrimony
+among the ladies, he remains an "old bach;" never hoping
+for office under government, he never gets any; and when,
+at last, both youth and energies are wasted, Diddler dons a
+white neckcloth, combs his few straggling hairs behind his
+ears, and, dressed in a well-brushed but shocking seedy suit
+of sable, he jines church and turns "old fogie," carries
+around the plate, does chores for the parson, becomes generally
+useful to the whole congregation, and finally shuffles
+off his mortal coil, and ends his eventful and useless life in
+the most becoming manner.</p>
+
+<p>Cities are the only fields subservient to the successful
+practice of a respectable Diddler. New York affords them
+a very fair scope for operation, but of all the American
+cities, New Orleans is the Diddler's paradise! The mobile
+state of society, the fluctuations of men and business, the
+impossibility of knowing any thing or any body there for
+any considerable period, gives the Diddler ample scope for
+the exercise of his peculiar abilities to great effect. He
+dines almost sumptuously at the daily lunches set at the
+splendid drinking saloons and <i>cafes</i>, he lives for a month at
+a time on the various upward-bound steamboats. In New
+Orleans, the departure of a steamer for St. Louis, Cincinnati
+or Pittsburg, is announced for such an hour "to-day"&mdash;positively;
+Diddler knows it's "all a gag" to get passengers
+and baggage hurried on, and the steamer keeps
+<i>going</i> for two to five days before she's gone; so he comes
+on board, registers one of his commonplace aliases, gets
+his state-room and board among the crowd of <i>real</i> passengers,
+up to the hour of the boat's shoving out, then he&mdash;slips
+ashore, and points his boots to another boat. Many's
+the Diddler who's passed a whole season thus, dead-heading
+it on the steamers of the Crescent City. Sometimes
+the Diddler learns bad habits in the South, from being a
+mere Diddler, which is morally bad enough; he comes in
+contact with professional gamblers, plunges into the most
+pernicious and abominable of vices&mdash;gambles, cheats, swindles,
+and finally, as a grand tableau to his utter damnation
+here and hereafter, opens a store or a bank with a crowbar&mdash;or
+commits murder.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Thanksgiving_Story" id="Thanksgiving_Story"></a>The Re-Union; Thanksgiving Story.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Behold, for peace I had great bitterness, but thou hast in love to my
+soul delivered it from the pit of corruption: for thou hast cast all my sins
+behind thy back."&mdash;<span class="smcap">Isaiah.</span></p></div>
+
+
+<p>A portly elderly gentleman, with one hand in his
+breeches pocket, and the fingers of the other drumming
+a disconsolate rub-a-dub upon the window glass of an
+elegant mansion near Boston Common, is the personage
+I wish to call your attention to, friend reader, for the space
+of a few moments. The facts of my story are commonplace,
+and thereby the more probable. The names of the
+dramatis personæ I shall introduce, will be the <i>only</i> part of
+my subject imaginary. Therefore, the above-described old
+gentleman, whom we found and left drumming his rub-a-dub
+upon the window panes, we shall call Mr. Joel Newschool.
+To elucidate the matter more clearly, I would beg leave to
+say, that Mr. Joel Newschool, though now a wealthy and
+retired merchant, with all the "pomp and circumstance" of
+fortune around him, could&mdash;if he chose&mdash;well recollect the
+day when his little feet were shoeless, red and frost-bitten,
+as he plodded through the wheat and rye stubble of a Massachusetts
+farmer, for whom he acted in early life the trifling
+character of a "cow boy."</p>
+
+<p>Yes, Joel could remember this if he chose; but to the
+vain heart of a proud millionaire, such reflections seldom
+come to the surface. Like hundreds of other instances in
+the history of our countrymen, by a prolonged life of enterprise
+and good luck, Joel Newschool found himself, at
+the age of four-and-sixty, a very wealthy, if not a happy
+man. With his growing wealth, grew up around him a
+large family. Having served an apprenticeship to farming,
+he allowed but a brief space to elapse between his freedom
+suit and portion, and his wedding-day. Joel and his young
+and fresh country spouse, with light hearts and lighter
+purses, came to Boston, settled, and thus we find them old
+and wealthy. In the heart and manners of Mrs. Newschool,
+fortune made but slight alteration; but the accumulation
+of dollars and exalted privileges that follow wealth, had
+wrought many changes in the heart and feelings of her husband.</p>
+
+<p>The wear of time, which is supposed to dim the eye,
+seemed to improve the ocular views of Joel Newschool
+amazingly, for he had been enabled in his late years to see
+that a vast difference of <i>caste</i> existed between those that
+tilled the soil, wielded the sledge hammer, or drove the
+jack-plane, and those that were merely the idle spectators
+of such operations. He no longer groped in the darkness
+of men who believed in such fallacies as that wealth gave
+man no superiority over honest poverty! In short, Mr.
+Newschool had kept pace with all the fine notions and ostentatious
+feelings so peculiar to the mushroom aristocracy
+of the nineteenth century. He gloried in his pride, and yet
+felt little or none of that happiness that the bare-footed,
+merry cow boy enjoyed in the stubble field. But such is man.</p>
+
+<p>With all his comfortable appurtenances wealth could buy
+and station claim, the retired merchant was not a happy
+man. Though his expensive carriage and liveried driver
+were seen to roll him regularly to the majestic church upon
+the Sabbath: though he was a patient listener to the massive
+organ's spiritual strains and the surpliced minister's
+devout incantations: though he defrauded no man, defamed
+not his neighbor, was seeming virtuous and happy, there
+was at his heart a pang that turned to lees the essence of
+his life.</p>
+
+<p>Joel Newschool had seen his two sons and three daughters,
+men and women around him; they all married and left
+his roof for their own. One, a favorite child, a daughter,
+a fine, well-grown girl, upon whom the father's heart had
+set its fondest seal&mdash;she it was that the hand of Providence
+ordained to humble the proud heart of the sordid millionaire.
+Cecelia Newschool, actuated by the noblest impulses
+of nature, had for her husband sought "a <i>man</i>, not a money
+chest," and this circumstance had made Cecelia a severed
+member of the Newschool family, who could not, in
+the refined delicacy of their senses, tolerate such palpable
+condescension as to acknowledge a tie that bound <i>them</i> to
+the wife of a poor artizan, whatever might be his talents or
+integrity as a man.</p>
+
+<p>Francis Fairway had made honorable appeal to the heart
+of Cecelia, and she repaid his pains with the full gift of a
+happy wife. She counted not his worldly prospects, but
+yielded all to his constancy. She wished for nothing but
+his love, and with that blessed beacon of life before her,
+she looked but with joy and hope to the bright side of the
+sunny future.</p>
+
+<p>The home of the artizan was a plain, but a happy one.
+Loving and beloved, Cecelia scarce felt the loss of her sumptuous
+home and ties of kindred. But not so the proud
+father and the patient mother, the haughty sisters and brothers;
+they felt all; they attempted to conceal all, that bitterness
+of soul, the canker that gnaws upon the heart when
+we will strive to stifle the better parts of our natures.</p>
+
+<p>Time passed on; one, two, or three years, are quickly
+passed and gone. Though this little space of time made
+little or no change in the families of the proud and indolent
+relatives, it brought many changes in the eventful life of
+the young artizan and his wife. Two sweet little babes
+nestled in the mother's arms, and a new and splendid invention
+of the poor mechanic was reaping the wonder and
+admiration of all Europe and America.</p>
+
+<p>This was salt cast upon the affected wounds of the
+haughty relatives. Now ashamed of their petty, poor,
+contemptible arrogance, they could not in their hearts find
+space to welcome or partake of the proud dignity with
+which honorable industry had crowned the labors of the
+young mechanic.</p>
+
+<p>It was a cold day in November; the wind was twirling
+and whistling through the trees on the Common; the dead
+leaves were dropping seared and yellow to the earth, admonishing
+the old gentleman whom we left drumming upon
+the window, that&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"<i>Such was life!</i>"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>The old gentleman thumped and thumped the window
+pane with a dreary <i>sotto voce</i> accompaniment for some minutes,
+when he was interrupted by an aged, pious-looking
+matron, who dropped her spectacles across the book in her
+lap, as she sat in her chair by the fireside, and said&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Joel."</p>
+
+<p>"Umph?" responded the old gentleman.</p>
+
+<p>"The Lord has spared us to see another Thanksgiving
+day, should we live to see to-morrow."</p>
+
+<p>"He has," responded Mr. Newschool.</p>
+
+<p>"I've been thinking, Joel, that how ungrateful to God
+we are, for the blessings, and prosperity, and long life
+vouchsafed to us, by a good and benevolent Almighty."</p>
+
+<p>"Rebecca," said the faltering voice of the rich man, "I
+know, I feel all this as sensitive as you can possibly feel it."</p>
+
+<p>"I was thinking, Joel," continued the good woman, "to-morrow
+we shall, God permitting, be with our children and
+friends once again, together."</p>
+
+<p>"I hope so, I trust we shall," answered the husband.</p>
+
+<p>"And I was thinking, Joel," resumed the wife, "that the
+exclusion of our own child, Cecelia, from the family
+re-unions, from joining us in returning thanks to God for his
+mercy and preservation of us, is cruel and offensive to Him
+we deign to render up our prayers."</p>
+
+<p>"Rebecca," said the old gentleman, "I but agree with
+you in this, you have but anticipated my feelings in the matter.
+I have long fought against my better feelings and
+offended a discriminating God, I know. Ashamed to confess
+my stubbornness and frailty before, I now freely confess
+an altered feeling and better determination."</p>
+
+<p>"Then, Joel, let our daughter Cecelia and her husband
+join with us to-morrow in rendering our thanks to a just
+God and kind Providence."</p>
+
+<p>"Be it so, Rebecca. God truly knows it will be a millstone
+relieved from my heart. I wish it done."</p>
+
+<p>Three family re-unions, three days of Thanksgiving had
+been held in the paternal mansion of the Newschools, since
+Cecelia had left it for the humble home of the poor artizan.
+But their several re-unions were clouded, gloomy, unsocial
+affairs; there was a gap in the social circle of the Newschool
+family, as they met on Thanksgiving day, which all
+felt, but none hinted at. It was hard for a parent to invoke
+blessings on a portion, but not all, of his own flesh and
+blood; it was hard to return thanks for those dear ones present,
+and <i>wonder</i> whether the absent and equally dear had
+aught to be thankful for, whether instead of health and
+comfort, they might not be sorrowing in disease, poverty,
+and despair! Such things as these, when they obtrude
+upon the mind, the soul, are not likely to make merry meetings.
+And such was the position and nature of the re-union
+upon the late Thanksgiving days, at the Newschool mansion.
+But better feelings were at work, and a happy change
+was at hand.</p>
+
+<p>Several carriages had already drove up to the door of
+Mr. Newschool, Sen., and let down the different branches
+of the Newschool family. A brighter appearance seemed
+gathering over the household than was usual of late on
+Thanksgiving day, in the old family mansion. As each party
+came, the good old mother duly informed them of the invitation
+given, and the hope indulged in, that Cecelia and
+her husband would join the family circle that day, in their re-union.</p>
+
+<p>The proud sisters seemed willing, at last, to cast away
+their pride, and greet their sister as became Christian and
+sensible women. The brothers, chagrined at the unmanliness
+of their conduct, now gladly joined their approval of
+what betokened, in fact, a happy family meeting. As the
+clock on old South Church tower pealed out eleven, a
+pretty, smiling young mother, in plain, but unexceptionable,
+neat attire, ascended the large stone steps of the Newschool
+mansion, with a light and graceful step, bearing a sleeping
+child in her arms.</p>
+
+<p>Another moment, and Cecelia Fairway was in the arms
+of her old mother; the smiles, kisses and tears of the whole
+family party were bountifully showered upon poor Cecelia,
+and her sweet little daughter. Imagination may always
+better paint such a scene, than could the feeble pen describe
+it. The deep and gushing eloquence of human nature,
+when thus long pent, bursts forth, sweeping the meagre devises
+of the pen before it, like snow-flakes before the mighty
+mountain avalanche.</p>
+
+<p>Oh! it was a happy sight, to see that party at their
+Thanksgiving dinner.</p>
+
+<p>Old Mr. Newschool, in his long and fervent prayer to
+the throne of grace, expressed the day the happiest one of
+his long life. Quickly flew the hours by, and as the shades
+of evening gathered around, Francis Fairway was announced
+with a carriage for his wife's return home. Francis Fairway,
+the artizan, was a proud, high-minded man, conscious
+of his own position and merits, and scorned any base
+means to conciliate the favor and patronage of his superiors
+in rank, birth, or education. His deportment to the
+Newschool family was frank and manly; and they met it
+with a sense of just appreciation and dignity, that did
+them honor. Francis met a generous welcome, and the
+evening of Thanksgiving day was spent in a happy re-union
+indeed. Upon Cecelia's and her husband's return home,
+she found a small note thrust in the bosom of her child,
+bearing this inscription&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Grandfather's Re-union gift to little Cecelia; Boston, Nov., 184-."</p></div>
+
+<p>The note contained five $1000 bills on the old Granite
+Bank of Boston, and which were duly placed in the old
+Bank fire-proof, to the account of the little heir, the enterprise
+of the artizan having placed him above the necessity
+of otherwise disposing of Joel Newschool's gift to the grandchild.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Cabbage_vs_Men" id="Cabbage_vs_Men"></a>Cabbage vs. Men.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Theodore Parker says, the cultivation of man is as
+noble and praiseworthy a science, as the cultivation of cabbage,
+or the garden sass! Says brother Theodore, "You
+don't cast garden-seed in the mire, over the rough broken
+ground, and exhibit your benefits. No, you dig, level, rake,
+and then sow your seed, you give them sunshine and water,
+you tear out the weeds that would choke your infant vegetables&mdash;why
+would you do less for the material man?"
+Pre-cisely! we pause for an answer, proposals received
+from the learned&mdash;until we go to press.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="from_the_Country" id="from_the_Country"></a>Wanted&mdash;A Young Man from the Country.</h2>
+
+
+<p>All of our mercantile cities are overrun with young
+men who have been bred for the counter or desk, and
+thousands of these genteel young gents find it any thing
+but an easy matter to find bread or situations half their
+time, in these crowded marts of men and merchandise. An
+advertisement in a New York or New Orleans paper, for a
+clerk or salesman, rarely fails to "turn up" a hundred
+needy and greedy applicants, in the course of a morning!
+In New York, where a vast number of these misguided
+young men are "manufactured," and continue to be manufactured
+by the regiment, for an already surfeited market,
+there are wretches who practise upon these innocent victims
+of perverted usefulness, a species of fraud but slightly understood.</p>
+
+<p>By a confederacy with some experienced dry goods
+dealer, the proprietor of one of those agencies for procuring
+situations for young men, <i>victims</i> of misplaced confidence
+are put through at five to ten dollars each, somewhat after
+this fashion: Sharp, the keeper of the Agency, advertises
+for two good clerks, one book-keeper, five salesmen, ten
+waiters, &amp;c., &amp;c.; and, of course, as every steamboat, car
+and stage, running into New York, brings in a fresh importation
+of young men from the country, all fitted out in
+the knowledge box for salesmen, book-keepers and clerk-ships,&mdash;every
+morning, a new set are offered to be taken
+in and done for. Sharp demands a fee of five or ten dollars
+for obtaining a situation; victim forks over the amount,
+and is sent to Sharp number two, who keeps the dry goods
+shop; he has got through with a victim of yesterday, and
+is now ready for the fresh victim of to-day; for he makes
+it a point to put them through such a gamut of labor, vexatious
+man&oelig;uvres and insolence, that not one out of fifty
+come back next day, and if they do&mdash;<i>he don't want them!</i>
+If the unsuspecting victim returns to the "Agency," he is
+lectured roundly for his incapacity or want of <i>energy!</i>&mdash;and
+advised to return to the country and recuperate.</p>
+
+<p>Jeremiah Bumps having graduated with all the honors of
+Sniffensville Academy, and having many unmistakable
+longings for becoming a Merchant Prince, and seeing sights
+in a city; and having read an account of the great fortunes
+piled up in course of a few years, by poor, friendless country
+boys, like Abbot Lawrence, John Jacob Astor, he up and
+came right straight to Boston, having read it in the papers
+that clerks, salesmen, book-keepers, and so on, were wanted,
+dreadfully&mdash;"young men from the country preferred"&mdash;so
+he called on the <i>suffering</i> agent for the public, and paying
+down his <i>fee</i>, was sent off to an <i>Importing House</i>, on &mdash;&mdash;
+street, where a clerk and salesman were wanted. Jeremiah
+found his idea of an <i>Importing House</i> knocked into a disarranged
+chapeau, by finding the one in the "present case,"
+a large and luminous <i>store</i>, filled up with paper boxes and
+sham bundles; while gaudily festooned, were any quantity
+of calicoes, cheap shawls, ribbons, tapes, and innumerable
+other tuppenny affairs.</p>
+
+<p>Nebuchadnezzar Cheatum, the proprietor of this importing
+and jobbing house, was a keen, little, slick-as-a-whistle,
+heavy-bearded, shaved and starched genus, of six-and-thirty,
+more or less; and received Jeremiah with a rather patronizing
+survey <i>personelle</i>, and opened the engagement with a
+few remarks.</p>
+
+<p>"From the country, are you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Sniffensville, sir," said Jeremiah; "County of Scrub-oak,
+State of New Hampshire."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, well, I prefer country-bred young men; they are
+better trained," said Cheatum, "to industry, perseverance,
+honest frugality, and the duties of a Christian man. I was
+brought up in the country myself. I've made myself;
+carved out, and built up my own position, sir. Yes, sir,
+give me good, sound, country-bred young men; I've tried
+them, I know what they are," said Cheatum; and he spoke
+near enough the truth to be partly true, for he <i>had</i> "tried
+them;" he averaged some fifty-two clerks and an equal
+number of <i>salesmen</i>&mdash;yearly.</p>
+
+<p>Jeremiah Bumps grew red in the face at the complimentary
+manner in which Nebuchadnezzar Cheatum was
+pleased to review the country and its institutions.</p>
+
+<p>"What salary did you think of allowing?" says Jeremiah.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," said Cheatum, "I allow my salesmen three
+dollars a week the first year, (Jeremiah's ears cocked up,)
+and three per cent. on the sales they make the second year."</p>
+
+<p>By cyphering it up "in his head," Jeremiah came to the
+conclusion that the <i>first</i> year wouldn't add much to his
+pecuniary elevation, whatever the second did with its three
+per cents. But he was bound to try it on, anyhow.</p>
+
+<p>"Now," said Cheatum, "in the first place, Solomon&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Jeremiah, if you please, sir," said the young man.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, yes, Thomas&mdash;<i>pshaw!</i>&mdash;Jediah, I would say," continued
+Cheatum, correcting himself&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Jeremiah&mdash;Jeremiah Bumps, sir," sharply echoed Mr. Bumps.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes, yes; one has so many clerks and salesmen in
+course of business," said Cheatum, "that I get their names
+confused. Well, Jeremiah, in the first place, you must
+learn to please the customers; you must always be lively
+and spry, and never give an offensive answer. Many women
+and girls come in to price and overhaul things, without the
+remotest idea of buying anything, and it's often trying to
+one's patience; but you must wait on them, for there is no
+possible means of telling a woman who <i>shops</i> for pastime,
+from one who shops in earnest; so you must be careful, be
+polite, be lively and spry, and never let a person <i>go</i> without
+making a purchase, if you can possibly help it. If a person
+asks for an article we have not got, endeavor to make them
+try something else. If a woman asks whether four-penny
+calico, or six-penny delaines will wash, say 'yes, ma'am,
+<i>beautifully</i>; I've tried them, or seen them tried;' and if
+they say, 'are these ten cent flannels real <i>Shaker flannels</i>?
+or the ninepence hose <i>all merino</i>?' better not contradict
+them; say 'yes, ma'am, I've tried them, seen them tried,
+know they are,' or similar appropriate answers to the
+various questions that may be asked," said Cheatum.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir," Jeremiah responded, "I understand."</p>
+
+<p>"And, William&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Jeremiah, sir, if you please."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes; well, Jediah&mdash;Jeremiah, I would say&mdash;when
+you make change, never take a ten cent piece and two cents
+for a shilling, but give it as often as practicable; look out
+for the fractions in adding up, and beware of crossed six-pences,
+smooth shillings, and what are called Bungtown
+coppers," said Cheatum, with much emphasis.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm pooty well posted up, sir, in all <i>that</i>," said Jeremiah.</p>
+
+<p>"And, Jeems&mdash;pshaw!&mdash;Jacob&mdash;Jeremiah! I would say,
+in measuring, always put your thumb <i>so</i>, and when you
+move the yardstick forward, shove your thumb an inch or
+so <i>back</i>; in measuring <i>close</i> you may manage to squeeze
+out five yards from four and three-quarters, you understand?
+And always be watchful that some of those nimble, light-fingered
+folks don't slip a roll of ribbon, or a pair of gloves
+or hose, or a piece of goods, up their sleeves, in their
+bosoms, pockets, or under their shawls. Be careful, Henry&mdash;Jeems,
+I should say," said Cheatum.</p>
+
+<p>Being duly rehearsed, Jeremiah Bumps went to work.
+The first customer he had was a little girl, who bought a
+yard of ribbon for ninepence, and Jeremiah not only
+stretched seven-eighths of a yard into a full yard, but made
+twelve cents go for a ninepence, which <i>feat</i> brought down
+the vials of wrath of the child's mother, a burly old Scotch
+woman, who "tongue-lashed" poor Jeremiah awfully! His
+next adventure was the sale of a dress pattern of sixpenny
+de-laine, which he <i>warranted</i> to contain all the perfections
+known to the best article, and in dashing his vigorous scissors
+through the fabric, he caught them in the folds of a
+dozen silk handkerchiefs on the counter, and ripped them
+all into slitters! The young woman who took the dress
+pattern, upon reaching home, found it contained but eight
+yards, when she paid for nine. She came back, and Jeremiah
+Bumps got another bombasting! He sold fourpenny
+calico, and warranted it to wash; next day it came back,
+and an old lady with it; the colors and starch were all out,
+by dipping it in water, and the woman went on so that Cheatum
+was glad to refund her money to get rid of her. Two
+dashing young ladies, out "shopping" for their own
+diversions, gave Jeremiah a call; he labored hand and
+tongue, he hauled down and exhibited Cheatum's entire
+stock; the girls then were leaving, saying they would "call
+again," and Jeremiah very amiably said, "do, ladies, do;
+call again, <i>like to secure your custom!</i>" The young ladies
+took this as an insult. Their big brothers waited on Mr.
+Bumps, and nothing short of his humble apologies saved
+him from enraged cowhides! Jeremiah saw a suspicious
+woman enter the store, and after overhauling a box of
+gloves, he thought he saw her <i>pocket a pair</i>. He intercepted
+the lady as she was going out&mdash;he grabbed her by
+the pocket&mdash;the lady resisted&mdash;Jeremiah held on&mdash;the lady
+fainted, and Jeremiah Bumps nearly tore her dress off in
+pulling out the gloves! The lady proved to be the wife of
+a distinguished citizen, and the gloves purchased at another
+store! A lawsuit followed, and Mr. Bumps was fined $100,
+and sent to the House of Correction for sixty days.</p>
+
+<p>How many new clerks Nebuchadnezzar Cheatum has put
+through since, we know not; but Jeremiah Bumps is now
+engaged in the practical science of agriculture, and shudders
+at the idea of a young man from the country being
+<i>wanted</i> in a dry goods shop, if they have got to see the
+elephant that he <i>observed&mdash;in Boston</i>.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Presence_of_Mind" id="Presence_of_Mind"></a>Presence of Mind.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Mr. Davenport&mdash;the "Ned Davenport" of the Bowery
+boys&mdash;before sailing for Europe and while attached to the
+Bowery Theatre, was of the lean and hungry kind. In fact
+he was extremely lean&mdash;tall as a may-pole, and slender
+enough to crawl through a greased <i>fleute</i>,&mdash;to use a yankeeism.</p>
+
+<p>Somebody "up" for Shylock one night, at the Bowery,
+was suddenly "indisposed" or, in the strongest probability,
+quite stupefied from the effect of the deadly poisons retailed
+in the numerous groggeries that really swarm near the
+Gotham play-houses. Well, Mr. Davenport&mdash;a gentleman
+who has reached a most honorable position in his profession
+by sobriety and talent&mdash;was substituted for the indisposed
+<i>Shylock</i>, and the play went on.</p>
+
+<p>In the trial scene, Mr. Davenport really "took down the
+house" by his vehemence, and his ferocious, lean, and
+hungry <ins title="aspsrations">aspirations</ins> for the pound of flesh! One of the
+b'hoys, so identical with the B'ow'ry pit, got quite worked
+up; he twisted and squirmed, he chewed his cud, he stroked
+his "soap-lock," but, finally, wrought up to great presence
+of mind,&mdash;our lean Shylock still calling for his pound of
+flesh,&mdash;roars out;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"S'ay, look a' here,&mdash;<i>why don't you give skinny de meat,
+don't you see he wants it, sa-a-a-y!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>We very naturally infer that "the piece" <i>went off with a rush!</i></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="The_Skippers_Schooner" id="The_Skippers_Schooner"></a>The Skipper's Schooner.</h2>
+
+
+<p>No better specimen of the genus, genuine Yankee nation,
+can be found, imagined or described, than the
+skippers of along shore, from Connecticut river to Eastport,
+Maine. These critters give full scope to the Hills and
+Hacketts of the stage, and the Sam Slicks and Falconbridges
+of the press, to embody and sketch out in the
+broadest possible dialect of Yankee land. One of these
+"tarnal critters," it is my purpose to draw on for my brief
+sketch, and I wish my readers to do me the credit to believe
+that for little or no portion of my yarn or language am I
+indebted to fertility of imagination, as the incidents are
+real, and quite graphic enough to give piquancy to the subject.</p>
+
+<p>Last spring, just after the breaking up of winter, a down-east
+smack or schooner, freighted with cod-fish and potatoes,
+I believe, rounded off Cape Ann light, and owing to
+head winds, or some other perversity of a nautical nature,
+could no further go; so the skipper and his crew&mdash;one
+man, green as catnip&mdash;made for an anchorage, and hove
+the "hull consarn" to. Here they lay, and tossed and
+chafed, at their moorings, for a day or two, without the
+slightest indication on the part of the weather to abate the
+nuisance. So the commander of the schooner got in his
+little "dug-out," and giving the aforesaid crew special injunctions
+to keep all fast, he pulled off to shore to take
+a look around.</p>
+
+<p>Now, it so fell out that in the course of a few hours' time
+after the departure of the skipper, a snorting east wind
+sprang up, and not only blew great guns, but chopped up
+a short, heavy sea, perfectly astonishing and alarming to
+Hezekiah Perkins, in the rolling and pitching schooner. It
+was Hez's first attempt at seafaring; and this sort of reeling
+and waltzing about, as a matter of course, soon discomboberated
+his bean basket, and set his head in a whirl and
+dancing motion&mdash;better conceived by those who have seen
+the sea elephant than described. Hez got dea-a-athly sick,
+so sick he could not budge from the stern sheets, where he
+had taken a squat in the early commencement of his difficulties.
+In the mean time, the skipper came down to the
+beach and hailed the victim:</p>
+
+<p>"Hel-<span class="smcap">lo</span>! hel-<span class="smcap">lo</span>!"</p>
+
+<p>Hez feebly elevated his optics, and looking to the windward,
+where stood his noble captain, he made an effort to
+say over something:</p>
+
+<p>"Wha-a-t ye-e-e want?"</p>
+
+<p>"What do I want? Why, yeou pesky critter, yeou, go
+for'ard thar and hist the jib, take up the anchor, put your
+helm a-lee, and beat up to town!"</p>
+
+<p>This was all very well, provided the skipper was there
+to superintend, manage and carry out his voluble orders;
+but as the surf prevented him from coming on board, and
+the lightness of Hez's head militated against the almost
+superhuman possibility of carrying out the skipper's orders,
+things remained <i>in statu quo</i>, the skipper ashore, and Hez
+fervently wishing he was too.</p>
+
+<p>"Ain't you a-going to stir round there, and save the vessel?"
+bawled the excited captain.</p>
+
+<p>"How on airth," groaned the horror-stricken mariner,
+"how on airth am I to help it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Wall, by Columbus, she'll go clean ashore, or blow
+eout to sea afore long, sure as death!" responded the skipper;
+and before he had fairly concluded his augury, sure
+enough, the halser parted, the schooner slew round and
+made a bee-line <i>for Cowes and a market!</i> This rather
+brought Hezekiah to his oats&mdash;he riz, tottering and feeble,
+on his shaky pins, and crawled forward to get up the jib.</p>
+
+<p>"O ye-s, now yeou're coming about it, yes, yeou be,"
+bawled the almost frantic skipper, as the distance between
+him and his vessel was increasing. "Put her abeout and
+head her up the ba-a-y!" But it was no kind of use in
+talking, for Hezekiah could not raise the jib; and his imperfect
+nautical knowledge, under such a snarl, completely
+bewildered and disgusted him with the prospect. So saying
+over the seven commandments and other serious lessons
+of youth, Hezekiah resigned himself to the tumultuous elements,
+and concluded it philosophical and scriptural resignation
+to let Providence and the old schooner fix out the
+programme just as they might. It is commonly reported,
+that our mackerel catchers, when a storm or gale overtakes
+them on the briny deep, lash all fast and go below, turn in
+and let their smacks rip along to the best of their knowledge
+and ability. They seldom founder or get severely
+scathed; and these facts, or perfect indifference, having entered
+the head of Hezekiah Perkins, he became perfectly
+unconcerned as to future developments. Night coming on,
+the skipper saw his schooner fast departing out to sea, and
+when she was no longer to be seen, he made tracks for Boston,
+to report the melancholy facts to the owners of the
+vessel and cargo, and see about the insurance.</p>
+
+<p>Next morning, the skipper having discovered that the
+insurance was safe, he found himself in better spirits; so
+he walked down along the wharves, to take a look out upon
+the bay and shipping&mdash;when lo, and behold, he sees a vessel
+so amazingly like his Two Pollies, that he could not
+refrain from exclaiming:</p>
+
+<p>"Hurrah! hurrah! By Christopher Columbus&mdash;if thar
+don't come my old beauty and Hez Perkins, too&mdash;hurrah!"</p>
+
+<p>The overjoyed skipper went off into a double hornpipe
+on a single string; and as the veritable schooner came
+booming saucily up the bay before a spanking breeze, with
+her jib spread, the skipper called out in a voice of thunder
+and gladness:</p>
+
+<p>"Hel-lo! Hez Perkins, is that yeou?"</p>
+
+<p>"Hel-lo! Cap'n, I'm coming, by pumpkins! Clear the
+track for the Two Pollies!" And putting her head in
+among the smacks of Long Wharf, Hez let her rip and
+smash chock up fast and tight. When the captain landed
+on his own deck, he rushed into the arms of his brave mate
+Hezekiah, and they had a regular fraternal hug all round&mdash;and
+Hezekiah Perkins, in behalf of his wonderful skill,
+perseverance and luck, was unanimously voted first mate
+of the Two Pollies on the spot. It appeared that a change
+of wind during the night had driven the wandering vessel
+back into the bay, and Hezekiah, having got over his sick
+spell by daylight, crawled forward, got up the jib, and actually
+made the wharf, as we have described.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="of_the_Times" id="of_the_Times"></a>Philosophy of the Times.</h2>
+
+
+<p>The philosophy of the present age is peculiarly the philosophy
+of outsides. Few dive deeper into the human breast
+than the bosom of the shirt. Who could doubt the heart
+that beats beneath a cambric front? or who imagine that
+hand accustomed to dirty work which is enveloped in white
+kid? What Prometheus was to the physical, the tailor is
+to the moral man&mdash;the one made human beings out of clay,
+the other cuts characters out of broadcloth. Gentility is,
+with us, a thing of the goose and shears.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="the_Poor_Author" id="the_Poor_Author"></a>The Emperor and the Poor Author.</h2>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"The pen is mightier than the sword."</p></div>
+
+
+<p>Great men are not the less liable or addicted to very
+small, and very mean, and sometimes very <i>rascally
+acts</i>, but they are always fortunate in having any amount
+of panegyric graven on marble slabs, shafts and pillars, o'er
+their dust, and eulogistic and profound histories written in
+memories of the deeds of renown and glory they have executed.
+An American 74-gun ship would hardly float the
+mountains of <i>tomes</i> written upon Bonaparte and his brilliant
+career, as a soldier and a conqueror; but how precious
+few, insignificant pages do we ever see of the misdeeds,
+tyrannies and acts of petty and contemptuous meanness so
+great a man was guilty of! Why should authors and orators
+be so reluctant to tell the truth of a great man's follies
+and crimes, seeing with what convenience and fluency
+they will <i>lie</i> for him? We contend, and shall contend, that
+a truly great man cannot be guilty of a small act, and that
+one contemptible or atrocious manifestation in man, is
+enough to sully&mdash;tarnish the brightness of a dozen brilliant
+deeds; but apparently, the accepted notion is&mdash;<i>vice versa</i>.</p>
+
+<p>In 1830, there lived in the city of Philadelphia, a barber,
+a poor, harmless, necessary barber. His antique, or
+most curious costume, attracted much attention about the
+vicinity in which he lived, and no doubt added somewhat
+to the custom of his shop, itself a <i>bijou</i> as curious almost
+as the proprietor. But as our story has but little to do
+with the queer outside of the <i>barber</i> or his <i>shop</i>, and we do
+not now purpose a whole history of the man, we shall at
+once proceed to the pith of our subject&mdash;the Emperor and
+the poor Author, or Napoleon and his Spies&mdash;and in
+which our aforesaid Philadelphia barber plays a conspicuous part.</p>
+
+<p>Some of the writers, a few of those partially daring
+enough to give an impartial <i>expose</i> of the history of the
+Bonapartean times, seem to think that Napoleon committed
+a great error in his accession to the throne, by doubting
+the stability of his reign, and having pursued exactly measures
+antipodean to those necessary to seat him firmly in the
+hearts of the people, and cement the foundation of his
+newly-acquired power. But we don't think so; the means
+by which he obtained the giddy height, to a comprehensive
+mind like his, at once suggested the necessity of vigilance,
+promptness, and unflinching execution of whatever act,
+however tyrannous or heartless it might have been, his unsleeping
+mind suggested&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Crowns got with blood, by blood must be maintained."</p></div>
+
+<p>Jealous and suspicious, he sought to shackle public opinion&mdash;the
+fearful hydra to all ambitious aspirants&mdash;to know
+all <i>secrets</i> of the time and states, and render one half of the
+great nations he held in his grasp spies upon the other!
+The most profligate principles of Machiavel sink into
+obscurity when contrasted with the Imperial <i>Espionage</i> of
+Napoleon. When no longer moving squadrons in the
+tented field&mdash;whole armies, like so many pieces of chess in
+the hands of a dexterous player&mdash;he sat upon his throne,
+reclined upon his lounge or smoked in his bath, organized
+and moved the most difficult and dangerous forces in the
+world&mdash;<i>an army of Spies!</i></p>
+
+<p>All ages, from that of infancy to decrepitude&mdash;all conditions
+of life, from peer to parvenu&mdash;from plough to the
+anvil&mdash;pulpit to the bar&mdash;orators and beggars, soldiers and
+sailors, male and female of every grade&mdash;men of the most
+insinuating address, and women of the most seductive ages
+and loveliness, grace and beauty were enlisted and trained
+to serve&mdash;in what the pot-bellied, bald-headed little monster
+of war used to call his <i>Cytherian Cohort!</i> Snares set
+by these imperial policemen were difficult to avoid, from the
+almost utter impossibility of suspicioning their presence or power.</p>
+
+<p>In 1808, a learned Italian, noble by birth, in consequence
+of the movements and <i>executions</i> of Napoleon, found it
+prudent to shave off his moustache and titles, and change
+the scene of his future life, as well as change his name. A
+master of languages and a man of mind, he sought the
+learned precincts of Leipsic, Germany, where he preserved
+his incognito, though he was not long in winning the grace,
+and other considerations due enlarged intellect, from those
+not lacking that invaluable commodity themselves. Herr
+Beethoven&mdash;the new title of our Italian "mi lord"&mdash;conceived
+the project of convincing the mighty Emperor&mdash;the
+hero of the sword&mdash;that so little a javelin as the pen could
+puncture the <i>sac</i> containing all <i>his</i> great pretensions, and
+let the vapor out; in short, to show the conqueror, that the
+pen <i>was</i> mightier than his magic sword. Beethoven purposed
+writing a pamphlet <i>memorial</i>, involving the bombastic
+pretensions, the gigantic extravagance and arrogant
+ambition of Bonaparte. The man of letters well knew the
+ground upon which he was to tread, the danger of ambushed
+foes, involving such a <i>brochure</i>, and the caution
+necessary with which he was to produce his work. But
+Beethoven felt the necessity of the production; he possessed
+the power to execute a great benefit to his fellow
+man, and he determined to wield it and take the chances.
+Though scarcely giving breath to his project&mdash;guarding
+each page of his writing as vigilantly as though they were
+each blessed with the enchantment of a <i>Koh-i-Noor</i>&mdash;a
+mysterious agency discovered the fact&mdash;Napoleon shook in
+his royal boots, and swore in good round French, when the
+following missive reached his royal eye:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Sire(!)</i>&mdash;A plot is brewing against your peace; the
+safety of your throne is menaced by a villainous scribe. My
+informant, who has read the manuscripts, informs me that
+he has never seen any thing better or more imposing, and
+ingenious in argument and force, than the fellow's appeal to
+all the crowned heads and people of Europe. It is calculated
+to carry an irresistible conviction of the wrongs they
+suffer from your imperial majesty to every breast. These
+manuscripts are fraught with more danger to your Imperial
+Majesty's Empire, than all the hostile bayonets in the world
+combined against you, Sire.</p>
+
+<p>Leipsic, 1808. <span class="smcap">Baron De</span>&mdash;&mdash;.</p></div>
+
+<p>Here was a hot shot dangling over the magazines of the
+mighty man, and the "little corporal" jumped into his
+boots, and began to set the wheels of his great "expediency"
+in motion. A message flew here, and another
+there; a dispatch to this one, and a royal order to that one.
+A dozen secretaries, and a score of <i>amanuensises</i> were instantly
+at work, and the alarmed "Emperor of all the
+French" fairly beat the <i>reveille</i> upon his diamond-cased
+snuff box; while, with the rapidity of the clapper of an
+alarm bell, he issued to each the oral order to which they
+were to lend enchantment by their rapid quills.</p>
+
+<p>Herr Beethoven was surprised in his very closet! Papers
+were found scattered all over his little sanctum&mdash;the spies
+had him and his effects, most promptly; but what was the
+rage and disappointment of the emissaries of the wily
+monarch, to find neither hair nor hide of the dreaded <i>fiat!</i>
+Had it gone forth? Was it secreted? Was it written?</p>
+
+<p>They had the <i>man</i>, but his flesh and blood were as valueless
+as a pebble to a diamond, contrasted with the witchery
+of the <i>words</i> he had invested a few sheets of simple paper
+with! They searched his clothes&mdash;tore up his bed, broke
+up his furniture, powdered his few pieces of statuary, but
+all in vain&mdash;the sought for, dreaded, and hated documents,
+for which his <i>Imperial highness</i> would have secretly given
+ten&mdash;twenty&mdash;fifty thousand <i>louis</i>&mdash;was not to be found!
+The rage of the inquisitors was terrific&mdash;showing how
+well they were chosen or paid, to serve in their atrocious
+capacities. The poor scribe was promised all manner of unpleasant
+<i>finales</i>, cursed, menaced, and finally coaxed.</p>
+
+<p>"I have written nothing&mdash;published nothing, nor do I
+intend to write or publish anything," was Beethoven's reply.</p>
+
+<p>"Speak fearlessly," said the chief of the inquisitors,
+"and rely upon a generous monarch's benevolence. My
+commission, sir, is limited to ascertain whether poverty has
+not compelled you to write; if that be the case, speak out;
+place any price upon your work&mdash;the price is nothing&mdash;I
+will pay you at once and destroy your documents."</p>
+
+<p>"Your offers, sir," responded the poor author, "are
+most kind and liberal, and I regret extremely that it is <i>not</i>
+in my power to avail myself of them. I again declare, sir,
+that I have never written anything against the French government&mdash;your
+information to the contrary is false and wicked."</p>
+
+<p>The spies, finding they could not gain any information of
+the author, by threat or bribe, carried him to France, where
+his doom was supposed to be sealed in torture and death,
+in the <i>Bastile</i> of the Emperor.</p>
+
+<p>But where was this fearful manuscript&mdash;this dreaded
+scribbling of the God-forsaken, poor, forlorn author? The
+emissaries of his serene highness had the blood, bones, and
+body of the wretched scribe, but where was that they feared
+more than all the warlike forces of a million of the best
+equipped forces of Europe&mdash;the paltry paper pellets of a
+scholar's brain&mdash;the <i>memorial</i> to the crowned heads, and
+people of the several shivering monarchies of continental Europe?</p>
+
+<p>A few brief hours&mdash;not two days&mdash;before the <i>pseudo</i>
+Herr Beethoven was honored by the special considerations
+and attentions of the Emperor of all the French&mdash;the conqueror
+of a third, at least, of the civilized world&mdash;he had
+conceived suspicions of a man to whom in the <i>most profound
+confidence</i> he had revealed a slight whisper of his projects&mdash;impressed
+with the foreshadowing that a mysterious
+<i>something</i> dangerous was about to menace him, he made
+way with the manuscripts, to which his soul clung as too
+dear and precious to be destroyed&mdash;he gave them to the
+charge of a tried friend&mdash;and before the <i>Cytherian Cohort</i>
+were upon the threshold of the author, his <i>memorial</i> was
+snugly ensconced in the obscure and remote secretary of a
+gentleman and a man of letters, in the renowned city of
+Prague. The alarm and friend's appearance seemed most
+opportune&mdash;for an hour after the visitation of the one, the
+other was at hand&mdash;the documents transferred and on their
+way to their place of refuge.</p>
+
+<p>But difficult was the stepping-stone to Napoleon's greatness&mdash;the
+more the mystery of the manuscripts augmented&mdash;the
+more enthusiastic became his research&mdash;the more formidable
+appeared the necessity of grasping them; and the
+determination, at all hazards, to clutch them, before they
+served their purpose!</p>
+
+<p>"Bring me the manuscripts"&mdash;was the <i>fiat</i> of the Emperor:
+"I care not <i>how</i> you obtain them&mdash;get them, <i>bring
+them here</i>; and mark you, let neither money, danger nor fatigue,
+oppose my will. Hence&mdash;bring the manuscripts!"</p>
+
+<p>Again Leipsic was invested by the <i>Cytherian Cohort</i> of
+the modern Alexander; the rival of Hannibal, the great
+little commandant of the most warlike nation of the earth.
+The Baron &mdash;&mdash;, who was master of ceremonies in this
+great enterprise, now arrested the secret agent who had
+given the information of the existence of the <i>memorial</i>. This
+wretch had received five hundred crowns for his espionage
+and treachery. His fee was to be quadrupled if his atrocious
+information proved correct; so dear is the mere foreshadowing
+of ill news to vaunting ambition and quaking
+imposters. Bengert, the German spy, was sure of the genuineness
+of his information&mdash;he was much astonished that
+the Baron had not seized the <i>memorial</i>, as well as the body
+of the hapless author. The Baron and the treacherous
+German conferred at length; an idea seemed to strike the spy.</p>
+
+<p>"I have it," he exclaimed, a few days before his arrest.
+"I saw a friend visit Beethoven; I know they both entertained
+the same sentiments in regard to the Emperor&mdash;<i>that
+man has the manuscripts</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Where was that man? It was finding the needle in the
+hay stack&mdash;<i>the</i> pebble in the brook. Again the Emperor
+urged, and the <i>Cytherian Cohort</i> plied their cunning and
+perseverance. That <i>friend</i> of the poor author was found&mdash;he
+was tilling his garden, surrounded by his flower pots and
+children, on the outskirts of Prague, Bohemia. It was in
+vain he questioned his captors. He dropped his gardening
+implements&mdash;blessed his children&mdash;kissed them, and was
+hurried off, he knew not whither or wherefore! Shaubert was
+this man's name; he was forty, a widower&mdash;a scholar, a
+poet&mdash;liberally endowed by wealth, and loved the women!</p>
+
+<p>It was Baron &mdash;&mdash;'s province to find out the weak points
+of each victim.</p>
+
+<p>"If he has a <i>particular</i> regard for <i>poetry</i>, he does love
+the fine arts," quoth the Baron, "and women are the queens
+of <i>fine arts</i>. I'll have him!"</p>
+
+<p>In the secret prison of Shaubert he found an old man,
+confined for&mdash;he could not learn what. Every day, the yet
+youthful and most fascinating, voluptuous and beautiful
+daughter of the old man, visited his cell, which was adjoining
+that of Shaubert's. As she did so, it was not long before
+she found occasion to linger at the door of the widower,
+the poet&mdash;and sigh so piteously as to draw from the
+victim, at first a holy poem, and at length an amative love
+lay. Like fire into tow did this effusion of the poet's quill
+inflame the breast and arouse the passions of the lovely
+Bertha; and in an obscure hour, after pouring forth the
+soul's burden of most vehement love, the angel in woman's
+form(!), with implements as perfect as the very jailor's,
+opened all the bolts and bars, and led the captive forth to
+liberty! She would have the poet who had entranced
+her, fly and leave her to her fate! But <i>poetry</i> scorned such
+dastardy&mdash;it was but to brave the uncertainty of fate to
+stay, and torture to go&mdash;Bertha must fly with him. She
+had a father&mdash;could she leave him in bondage? No! She
+had rescued her lover&mdash;she braved more&mdash;released her
+parent in the next hour, by the same mysterious means, and
+giving herself up to the tempest of love, she shared in the
+flight of the poet. In a remote section of chivalric Bohemia,
+they found an asylum. But Bertha was as yet but
+the deliverer from bondage, if not death, of her soul's idol;
+he, with all the warmth and gratitude of a dozen poets, worshipped
+at her feet and besought her to bless him evermore
+by sharing his fate and fortune. There was a something
+imposing, a something that brought the pearly tear to the
+heroic girl's eye and made that lovely bosom undulate with
+most sad emotion. The poet pressed her to his heart&mdash;fell
+at her feet, and begged that if his life&mdash;property&mdash;children&mdash;be
+the sacrifice&mdash;but let him know the secret at once&mdash;he
+was her friend&mdash;defender&mdash;lover&mdash;slave. Another sigh,
+and the spell was broken.</p>
+
+<p>"Why&mdash;ah! why were you a state prisoner&mdash;a <i>secret</i>
+prisoner in the &mdash;&mdash;?"</p>
+
+<p>"Loved angel," answered the poet, "I scarce can tell;
+indeed I have not the merest <i>hint</i>, in my own mind, to tell
+me for what I was arrested and thrown into prison!"</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! sir," sighed the lovely Bertha, "I can never then
+wed the man I love&mdash;I cannot brave the dangers of an unknown
+fate&mdash;at some moment least expected, to be torn
+from his arms&mdash;lost to him forever!"</p>
+
+<p>"We can fly, dearest," suggested the poet, "we can fly to
+other and more secure lands. In the sunshine of your sweet
+smile, my dear Bertha, obscurity&mdash;poverty would be nothing."</p>
+
+<p>"No," said the girl, "I cannot leave my father&mdash;the
+land of my birth&mdash;home of my childhood. I that have given
+you liberty, may point out a way to deliver you from further
+restraint. How I learned the nature of your crime, ask
+not; I know your secret."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah! what mean you?"</p>
+
+<p>"In a foolish hour," continued the lovely Bertha, with
+downcast eyes and heaving bosom, "you impaled your
+generous self to save a friend&mdash;the friend fled&mdash;you were arrested&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Good God!" exclaimed the poet, "Herr Beethoven&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Gave you possession of&mdash;&mdash;" she continued.</p>
+
+<p>"No! no! no!" interposed the affrighted poet, daring
+not to breathe "yes," even to the ear of his fair preserver.</p>
+
+<p>"Sir," calmly continued the girl, "I have risked my own
+life and liberty to preserve yours, I have&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"I&mdash;I know it all, dear&mdash;dearest angel, but&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Those manuscripts," she continued, fixing her keen but
+melting gaze upon the poor victim.</p>
+
+<p>"Ha! manuscripts? How learned you this? No, no, it cannot be&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"It is known&mdash;I know it&mdash;I learned it from your captors;
+but for my <i>love</i>," said the girl, "mad&mdash;guilty love&mdash;your
+life would have been forfeited&mdash;your house pillaged by the
+emissaries of the Emperor, in quest of those manuscripts.
+While they exist, Bertha cannot be happy&mdash;Bertha's love
+must die with her&mdash;Bertha be ever miserable!"</p>
+
+<p>"I-a&mdash;I will&mdash;but no! no! I have no manuscripts! It
+is false&mdash;false!" exclaimed the almost distracted poet.</p>
+
+<p>"Herr Shaubert," said the girl, clasping the hand of the
+poet, and throwing herself at his feet, "am I unworthy
+your love?"</p>
+
+<p>"Dear, dear Bertha, do not torture me! do not, for
+God's sake! Rise; let me at your feet swear, in answer&mdash;<i>No!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"Then, within four-and-twenty hours, let me grasp that
+hated, damned viper, that would gnaw the heart's core of
+Bertha. Give me the key of your misery; O! bless me&mdash;bless
+your Bertha; give me those accursed manuscripts,
+daggers bequeathed you by a false friend, that I may at
+once, in your presence, give them to the flames; and Bertha,
+the idol of your soul, be ever more blessed and happy!"</p>
+
+<p>This appeal settled the business of the poet; he walked
+the room, sighed, tore his <i>mouchoir</i>, oscillated between
+honor and temptation&mdash;the angel form and syren tongue
+of the woman triumphed. In course of a dozen hours,
+Bertha, the lovely, enchanting <i>spy</i>, opened the secret
+drawers of the poet's secretary, and amid carefully-packed
+literary rubbish, the dreaded <i>memorial</i> was found&mdash;clutched
+with the eagerness of a death-reprieve to a poor felon upon
+the verge of eternity, and with the despatch of an hundred
+swift relays, the poor author's manuscripts were placed in
+the hands of the mighty Emperor, and while he read their
+fearful purport, and flashed with rage or grew livid with
+each scathing word of the <i>memorial</i>, he hurriedly issued
+his orders&mdash;gain to this one, sacrifice to that one; while
+he made the spy a <i>countess</i>, he ordered hideous death to
+the poor poet and despair and misery to his children.</p>
+
+<p>"Fly!" the monarch shouted, "search every one suspected
+of a hand in this; let them be dealt with instantly&mdash;trouble
+me not with detail, but give me sure returns.
+Stop not, until this viper is exterminated; egg and tooth;
+fang and scale; see it done and claim my bounty&mdash;<i>fly!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>That <i>snake</i> was scotched and killed&mdash;the few brief pages
+of an obscure author that drove sleep, appetite and peace
+from the mighty Emperor, for days and nights&mdash;made busy
+work for his thousands of emissaries&mdash;scattered his gold in
+weighty streams&mdash;was read, cursed and destroyed, and all
+suspected as having the slightest voice or opinion in the
+secret <i>memorial</i>, met a secret fate&mdash;death or prolonged wretchedness.</p>
+
+<p>Herr Beethoven, the poor author, alone escaped; being
+overlooked in the hot pursuit of his production, and by the
+blunder of those having charge of himself and hundreds of
+other state prisoners&mdash;guilty or <i>suspected</i> opponents to the
+vaulting ambition and power of him that at last ended his
+own eventful career as a helpless prisoner upon an ocean
+isle&mdash;was liberated and lost no time in making his way beyond
+the reach of monarchs, tyranny and bondage. Beethoven
+came to America and settled in Philadelphia, where,
+in the humble capacity of an e-razer of beards and pruner
+of human mops, he eked out a reasonable existence for the
+residue of his earthly existence; few, perhaps, dreaming in
+their profoundest philosophy, that the little, eccentric-attired,
+grotesque-looking barber, who tweaked their plebeian
+noses and combed their caputs, once rejoiced in grand heraldic
+escutcheons upon his carriage panels as a veritable
+Count, and still later made the throne tremble beneath the
+feet of a second Alexander!</p>
+
+<p>But God is great, and the ways of our every-day life, full
+of change and mystery.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="the_Better_Luck" id="the_Better_Luck"></a>The Bigger Fool, the Better Luck.</h2>
+
+
+<p>The American "Ole Bull," young Howard, one of the
+most scientific crucifiers of the <i>violin</i> we ever heard,
+gave us a call t'other day, and not only discoursed heavenly
+music upon his instrument, but gave us the "nub" of a
+few jokes worth dishing up in our peculiar style. Howard
+spent last winter in a tour over the State of <i>Maine</i> and
+Canada. During this <i>cool</i> excursion, he got way up among
+the <i>wood</i>-choppers and <i>log</i>-men of the Aroostook and
+Penobscot country. These wood-chopping and log-rolling
+gentry, according to all accounts, must be a jolly, free-and-easy,
+hard-toiling and hardy race. The "folks" up about
+there live in very primitive style; their camps and houses
+are very useful, but not much addicted to the "ornamental."
+Howard had a very long, tedious and perilous
+<i>tramp</i>, on foot, during a part of his peregrinations, and
+coming at last upon the settlement of the log-men, he laid
+up several days, to recuperate. In the largest log building
+of the several in the neighborhood, Howard lodged; the
+weather was intensely cold&mdash;house crowded, and wood and
+game plenty. After a hard day's toil, in snow and water,
+these log-men felt very much inclined, to sleep. A huge
+fire was usually left upon the hearth, after the "tea things"
+were put away, Howard gave them a <i>choon</i> or two, and then
+the woodmen lumbered up a rude set of steps&mdash;into a capacious
+loft overhead, and there, amid the old quilts, robes, skins
+and straw, enjoyed their sound and refreshing sleep&mdash;with
+a slight drawback.</p>
+
+<p>Among these men of the woods, was a hard old nut, called
+and known among them as&mdash;<i>Old Tantabolus!</i> He was a
+wiry and hardy old rooster; though his frosty poll spoke
+of the many, many years he had "been around," his body
+was yet firm and his perceptions yet clear. The old man
+was a grand spinner of yarns; he had been all around
+creation, and various other places not set down in the maps.
+He had been a soldier and sailor: been blown up and shot
+down: had had all the various ills flesh was heir to: suffered
+from shipwreck and indigestion: witnessed the frowns
+and smiles of fortune&mdash;especially the <i>frowns</i>; in short, according
+to old man Tantabolus's own account of himself,
+he had seen more ups and downs, and made more narrow
+and wonderful escapes, than Robinson Crusoe and Gulliver
+both together&mdash;with Baron Trenck into the bargain!</p>
+
+<p>For the first season, the old man and his narrations, being
+fresh and novel, he was quite a <i>lion</i> among the woodmen,
+but now that the novelty had worn off, and they'd got
+used to his long yarns, they voted him "an old bore!" The
+old fellow smoked a tremendous pipe, with tobacco strong
+enough to give a Spaniard the "yaller fever." He would
+eat his supper, light his pipe&mdash;sit down by the fire, and
+spin yarns, as long as a listener remained, and longer. In
+short, Old Tantabolus would <i>spin</i> them all to bed, and
+then make their heads spin, with the clouds of <i>baccy</i> smoke
+with which he'd fill the <i>ranche</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Going to bed, at length, on a bunk in a corner, the old
+chap would wheeze and snore for an hour or two, and then
+turning out again, between daybreak and midnight, Old
+Tantabolus would pile on a cord or two of fresh wood&mdash;raise
+a roaring fire&mdash;make the <i>ranche</i> hot enough to roast
+an ox, then treat all hands to another <i>stifling</i> with his
+old <i>calumet</i>, and nigger-head tobacco! Then would commence a&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"A-booh! oo-<i>oo!</i>" by one of the lodgers, overhead.</p>
+
+<p>"Boo-oo-<i>ooh!</i> Old Tantabolus's got that&mdash;booh-oo-oo-<i>oo</i>,&mdash;pipe
+of his'n again,&mdash;boo-oo-oo!" chimed another.</p>
+
+<p>"A-a-a-<i>chee!</i> oo-oo-augh-h-h-<i>ch-chee!</i>
+Cuss that&mdash;a-<i>chee</i>&mdash;pipe.
+Tantabolus, you old hoss-marine, put out
+that&mdash;a-<i>chee!</i>&mdash;darn'd old pipe!" bawled another.</p>
+
+<p>"A'<i>nand</i>?" was the old fellow's usual reply.</p>
+
+<p>"A-boo-ooh-<i>ooh!</i>" hoarse and loud as a boatswain's
+call, in a gale of wind, would be issued from the throat of
+an old "logger," as the fumigacious odor interfered with
+his respiratory arrangements, and then would follow a miscellaneous&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"A-<i>chee</i>-o! Ah-<i>chee!</i> boo-ooh-oo-<i>ooh!</i>" tapering off
+with divers curses and threats, upon Old Tantabolus and
+his villanous habits of arousing "the whole community" in
+"the dead watches and middle of the night," with heat and
+smoke, no flesh and blood but his own could apparently endure.</p>
+
+<p>At length, a private <i>caucus</i> was held, and a diabolical
+plan set, to put a summary end to the grievous nuisances
+engendered by Old Tantabolus&mdash;"<i>let's blow him up!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>And this they agreed to do in <i>this</i> wise. Before "retiring
+to rest," as we say in civilized <i>parlance</i>, the lodging
+community were in the habit of laying in a surplus of
+firewood, alongside of the capacious fire-place, in order&mdash;should
+a very common occurrence <i>occur</i>,&mdash;i. e., a fall of
+snow six to ten feet deep, and kiver things all up, the insiders
+might have wherewith to make themselves comfortable,
+until they could work out and provide more. But Old
+Tantabolus was in the wasteful practice of turning out and
+burning up all this extra fuel; so the caucus agreed to bore
+an inch and a quarter hole into a solid stick&mdash;pack it with
+powder&mdash;lay it among the wood, and when Old Tantabolus
+<i>riz</i> to fire up, he'd be blowed out of the building, and
+disappear&mdash;<i>in a blue blaze!</i> Well, poor old man, Tantabolus,
+quite unconscious of the dire explosion awaiting him, told
+his yarns, next evening, with greater <i>gusto</i> than usual, and
+one after another of his listeners finally dropped off to <i>roost</i>,
+in the loft above, leaving the old man to go it alone&mdash;finish
+his pipe, stagnate the air and go to his bunk, which,
+as was his wont to do&mdash;he did. Stillness reigned supreme;
+though Old Tantabolus took his usual snooze in very apparent
+confidence, many of his no less weary companions
+above&mdash;watched for the approaching <i>tableaux!</i> And they
+were gratified, to their heart's content, for the tableaux <i>came!</i></p>
+
+<p>"Now, look out, boys!" says one, "Old <i>Tanty's</i> about
+to wake up!" and then some dozen of the upper story
+lodgers, who had kept their peepers open to enjoy the fun,
+began to spread around and pull away the loose straw in
+order to get a view of the scene below. Sure enough, the
+old rooster gave a long yawn&mdash;"Aw-w-w-w-<i>um!</i>" flirted
+off his "kiverlids" and got up, making a slow move towards
+the fire-place, reaching which, he gave an extra
+"Aw-w-w-<i>um!</i>" knocked the ashes out of his pipe&mdash;filled
+it up with "nigger-head," dipped it in the embers, gave it
+a few whiffs, and then said:</p>
+
+<p>"Booh! cold mornin'; boys'll freeze, if I don't start
+up a good fire." Then he went to work to cultivate a
+blaze, with a few chips and light sticks of dry wood.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, by George, old feller," says one, "you'll catch a
+bite, before you know it!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I'm blamed if you ain't a <i>goner</i>, Old Tantabolus!"
+says another, in a pig's whisper.</p>
+
+<p>"There! there he's got the fire up&mdash;now look out!"</p>
+
+<p>"He's got the stick&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Goin' to clap it on!"</p>
+
+<p>"Now it's on!"</p>
+
+<p>"Look out for fun, by George, look out!"</p>
+
+<p>"He'll blow the house up!"</p>
+
+<p>"Godfrey! s'pose he does?"</p>
+
+<p>"What an infernal <i>wind</i> there is this morning!" says the
+old fellow, hearing the <i>buzz</i> and indistinct whispering
+overhead; "guess it's snowin' like <i>sin</i>; I'll jist start up this
+fire and go out and see." But, he had scarcely reached
+and opened the door, when&mdash;"<i>bang-g-g!</i>" went the log,
+with the roar of a twelve pounder; hurling the fire, not
+only all over the lower floor, but through the upper loose
+flooring&mdash;setting the straw beds in a blaze&mdash;filling the
+house with smoke, ashes and fire! There was a general
+and indiscriminate <i>rush</i> of the practical jokers in the loft,
+to make an escape from the now burning building; but the
+step-ladder was knocked down, and it was at the peril
+of their lives, that all hands jumped and crawled out of
+the <i>ranche!</i> The only one who escaped the real danger
+was Old Tantabolus, the intended victim, whose remark
+was, after the flurry was over&mdash;"Boys, arter this, <i>be careful
+how you lay your powder round!</i>"</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="An_Active_Settlement" id="An_Active_Settlement"></a>An Active Settlement.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Gen. Houston lives, when at home, at Huntsville,
+Texas; the inhabitants mostly live, says Humboldt, Beeswax,
+Borax, or some of the other historians, by hunting.
+The wolves act as watchmen at night, relieved now and
+then by the Ingins, who make the wig business brisk by
+relieving straggling citizens of their top-knots. A man
+engaged in a quiet smoke, sees a deer or bear sneaking
+around, and by taking down his rifle, has steaks for breakfast,
+and a haunch for next day's dinner, right at his door.
+Vegetables and fruit grow naturally; flowers come up and
+bloom spontaneously. The distinguished citizens wear
+buck-skin trowsers, coon-skin hats, buffalo-skin overcoats,
+and alligator-hide boots. Old San Jacinto walked into
+the Senate last winter&mdash;fresh from home&mdash;with a panther-skin
+vest, and bear-skin breeches on! Great country, that Texas.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="in_a_Pork-house" id="in_a_Pork-house"></a>A Yankee in a Pork-house</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Conscience sakes! but hain't they got a lot of pork
+here?" said a looker-on in Quincy Market, t'other day.</p>
+
+<p>"Pork!" echoes a decidedly <i>Green</i> Mountain biped, at
+the elbow of the first speaker.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I vow it's quite as-<i>tonishing</i> how much pork is
+sold here and <i>et</i> up by somebody," continued the old gent.</p>
+
+<p>"Et up?" says the other, whose physical structure somewhat
+resembled a fat lath, and whose general <i>contour</i> made
+it self-evident that <i>he</i> was not given much to frivolity,
+jauntily-fitting coats and breeches, or perfumed and "fixed
+up" barberality extravagance.</p>
+
+<p>"Et up!" he thoughtfully and earnestly repeated, as his
+hands rested in the cavity of his trousers pockets, and his
+eyes rested upon the first speaker.</p>
+
+<p>"You wern't never in Cincinnatty, <i>I</i> guess?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, I never was," says the old gent.</p>
+
+<p>"Never was? Well, I cal'lated not. Never been <i>in</i> a
+Pork-haouse?"</p>
+
+<p>"Never, unless you may call this a Pork-house?"</p>
+
+<p>"The-is? Pork-haouse?" says Yankee. "Well, I reckon
+not&mdash;don't begin&mdash;'tain't nothin' like&mdash;not a speck in a
+puddle to a Pork-haouse&mdash;a Cincinnatty Pork-haouse!"</p>
+
+<p>"I've hearn that they carry on the Pork business pooty
+stiff, out there," says the old gentleman.</p>
+
+<p>"Pooty stiff? Good gravy, but don't they? 'Pears to
+me, I knew yeou somewhere?" says our Yankee.</p>
+
+<p>"You might," cautiously answers the old gent.</p>
+
+<p>"'Tain't 'Squire Smith, of Maoun-Peelier?"</p>
+
+<p>"N'no, my name's Johnson, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"Johnson? Oh, in the tin business?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, no, I'm not <i>in</i> business, at all, sir," was the reply.</p>
+
+<p>"Not? Oh,"&mdash;thoughtfully echoes Yankee. "Wall, no
+matter, I thought p'raps yeou were from up aour way&mdash;I'm
+from near Maoun-Peelier&mdash;State of Varmount."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, indeed?"</p>
+
+<p>"Ya-a-s."</p>
+
+<p>"Fine country, I'm told?" says the old gent.</p>
+
+<p>"Ye-a-a-s, 'tis;"&mdash;was the abstracted response of Yankee,
+who seemed to be revolving something in his own mind.</p>
+
+<p>"Raise a great deal of wool&mdash;fine sheep country?"</p>
+
+<p>"'Tis great on sheep. But sheep ain't nothin' to the
+everlasting hog craop!"</p>
+
+<p>"Think not, eh?" said the old gent.</p>
+
+<p>"I swow <i>teu</i> pucker, if I hain't seen more hogs killed,
+afore breakfast, in Cincinnatty, than would burst this
+buildin' clean open!"</p>
+
+<p>"You don't tell me so?"</p>
+
+<p>"By gravy, I deu, though. You hain't never been in Cincinnatty?"</p>
+
+<p>"I said not."</p>
+
+<p>"Never in a Pork-haouse?"</p>
+
+<p>"Never."</p>
+
+<p>"Wall, yeou've hearn tell&mdash;of Ohio, I reckon?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, yes! got a daughter living out there," was the answer.</p>
+
+<p>"Yeou don't say so?"</p>
+
+<p>"I have, in Urbana, or near it," said the old gent.</p>
+
+<p>"Urbanny! Great kingdom! why I know teu men living
+aout there; one's trading, t'other's keepin' school; may
+be yeou know 'em&mdash;Sampson Wheeler's one, Jethro Jones's
+t'other. Jethro's a cousin of mine; his fa'ther, no, his
+<i>mother</i> married&mdash;'tain't no matter; my name's Small,&mdash;Appogee
+Small, and I was talkin'&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"About the hog crop, Cincinnatty Pork-houses."</p>
+
+<p>"Ye-a-a-s; wall, I went eout West last fall, stopped at
+Cincinnatty&mdash;teu weeks. Dreadful nice place; by gravy,
+they do deu business there; beats Salvation haow they go
+it on steamboats&mdash;bust ten a day and build six!"</p>
+
+<p>"Is it possible?" says the old gent; "but the hogs&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Deu beat all. I went up to the Pork-haouses;&mdash;fus
+thing you meet is a string&mdash;'bout a mile long, of big and
+little critters, greasy and sassy as sin; buckets and bags
+full of scraps, tails, ears, snaouts and ribs of hogs. Foller
+up this line and yeou come to the Pork-haouses, and yeou
+go in, if they let yeou, and they did me, so in I went, teu
+an almighty large haouse&mdash;big as all aout doors, and a
+feller steps up to me and says he:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"'Yeou're a stranger, I s'pose?'</p>
+
+<p>"'Yeou deu?' says I.</p>
+
+<p>"'Ye-a-a-s,' says he, 'I s'pose so,' and I up and said I was.</p>
+
+<p>"'Wall,' says he, 'ef you want to go over the haouse,
+we'll send a feller with you!'</p>
+
+<p>"So I went with the feller, and he took me way back,
+daown stairs&mdash;aout in a lot; a-a-a-nd everlastin' sin! yeou
+should jist seen the hogs&mdash;couldn't caount 'em in three weeks!"</p>
+
+<p>"Good gracious!" exclaims the old gent.</p>
+
+<p>"Fact, by gravy! Sech squealin', kickin' and goin' on;
+sech cussin' and hollerin', by the fellers pokin' 'em in at one
+eend of the lot and punchin' on 'em aout at t'other! Sech
+a smell of hogs and fat, <i>brissels</i> and hot water, I swan <i>teu</i>
+pucker, I never did cal'late on, afore!</p>
+
+<p>"Wall, as fast as they driv' 'em in by droves, the fellers
+kept a craowdin' 'em daown towards the Pork-haouse; there
+two fellers kept a shootin' on 'em daown, and a hull gang
+of the all-firedest dirty, greasy-looking fellers <i>aout</i>&mdash;stuck
+'em, hauled 'em daown, and afore yeou could say Sam
+Patch! them hogs were yanked aout of the lot&mdash;killed&mdash;scalded
+and scraped."</p>
+
+<p>"Mighty quick work, I guess," says the old gent.</p>
+
+<p>"Quick work? Yeou ought to see 'em. Haow many
+hogs deu yeou cal'late them fellers killed and scraped a day?"</p>
+
+<p>"Couldn't possibly say&mdash;hundreds, I expect."</p>
+
+<p>"Hundreds! Grea-a-at King! Why, I see 'em kill
+thirteen hundred in teu hours;&mdash;did, by golly!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yeou don't say so?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, <i>sir</i>. And a feller with grease enough abaout him
+to make a barrel of saft soap, said that when they hurried
+'em up some they killed, scalded and scraped ten thousand
+hogs in a day; and when they put on the steam, twenty
+thousand porkers were killed off and cut up in a single day!"</p>
+
+<p>"I want to know!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir. Wall, we went into the haouse, where they
+scalded the critters fast as they brought 'em in. By gravy,
+it was amazin' how the <i>brissels</i> flew! Afore a hog knew
+what it was all abaout, he was bare as a punkin&mdash;a hook
+and tackle in his <i>snaout</i>, and up they snaked him on to the
+next floor. I vow they kept a slidin' and snakin' 'em in
+and up through the scuttles&mdash;jest in one stream!</p>
+
+<p>"'Let's go up and see 'em cut the hogs,' says the feller.</p>
+
+<p>"Up we goes. Abaout a hundred greasy fellers were a
+hacken on 'em up. By golly, it was deth to particular
+people the way the fat and grease <i>flew!</i> Two <i>whacks</i>&mdash;fore
+and aft, as Uncle Jeems used to say&mdash;split the hog;
+one whack, by a greasy feller with an everlasting chunk of
+sharpened iron, and the hog was quartered&mdash;grabbed and
+carried off to another block, and then a set of savagerous-lookin'
+chaps layed to and cut and skirted around;&mdash;hams
+and shoulders were going one way, sides and middlins another
+way; wall, I'm screwed if the hull room didn't 'pear
+to be full of flying pork&mdash;in hams, sides, scraps and greasy
+fellers&mdash;rippin' and a tearin'! Daown in another place they
+were saltin' and packin' away, like sin! Daown in the other
+place they were frying aout the lard&mdash;fillin' barrels, from a
+regular river of fat, coming aout of the everlastin' biggest
+bilers yeou ever did see, I vow! Now, I asked the feller
+if sich hurryin' a hog through a course of spraouts helped
+the pork any, and he said it didn't make any difference, he
+s'pected. He said they were not hurryin' then, but if I
+would come in, some day, when 'steam was up,' he'd show
+me quick work in the pork business&mdash;knock daown, drag
+aout, scrape, cut up, and have the hog in the barrel <i>before
+he got through squealin'!</i></p>
+
+<p>"Hello! Say!&mdash;'Squire, gone?"</p>
+
+<p>The old gent was&mdash;<i>gone</i>; the <i>last brick</i> hit him!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="German_Caution" id="German_Caution"></a>German Caution</h2>
+
+
+<p>Some ten years since, an old Dutchman purchased in the
+vicinity of Brooklyn, a snug little farm for nine thousand
+dollars. Last week, a lot of land speculators called on him
+to "buy him out." On asking his price, he said he would
+take "sixty tousand dollars&mdash;no less."</p>
+
+<p>"And how much may remain on bond and mortgage?"</p>
+
+<p>"Nine tousand dollars."</p>
+
+<p>"And why not more," replied the would-be purchasers.</p>
+
+<p>"Because der tam place ain't worth any more."</p>
+
+<p>Ain't that Dutch.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Great_Dog_Sell" id="Great_Dog_Sell"></a>Ben. McConachy's Great Dog Sell.</h2>
+
+
+<p>A great many dogmas have been written, and may
+continue to be written, on dogs. Confessing, once,
+to a dogmatical regard for dogs, we "went in" for the canine
+race, with a zeal we have bravely outgrown; and we
+live to wonder how men&mdash;to say nothing of spinsters of an
+uncertain age&mdash;can heap money and affections upon these
+four-legged brutes, whose sole utility is to doze in the
+corner or kennel, terrify stray children, annoy horsemen,
+and keep wholesome meat from the stomachs of many a
+poor, starving beggar at your back gate. There is no use
+for dogs in the city, and precious little <i>use</i> for them any
+where else; and as <i>Boz</i> says of oysters&mdash;you always find a
+preponderance of dogs where you find the most poor people.
+Philadelphia's the place for dogs; in the suburbs, especially
+after night, if you escape from the onslaught of the
+rowdies, you will find the dogs a still greater and more
+atrocious nuisance. No rowdy, or gentleman at large, in
+the <i>Quaker City</i>, feels <i>finished</i>, without a lean, lank, hollow
+dog trotting along at their heels; while the butchers and
+horse-dealers revel in a profusion of mastiffs and dastardly
+curs, perfectly astounding&mdash;to us. This brings us to a
+short and rather pithy story of a dog <i>sell</i>.</p>
+
+<p>Some years ago, a knot of men about town, gentlemen
+highly "posted up" on dogs, and who could talk <i>hoss</i> and dog
+equal to a Lord Bentick, or Hiram Woodruff, or "Acorn,"
+or Col. Bill Porter, of the "Spirit," were congregated in a
+famous resort, a place known as <i>Hollahan's</i>. A dog-fight
+that afternoon, under the "Linden trees," in front of the
+"State House," gave rise to a spirited debate upon the
+result of the battle, and the respective merits of the two
+dogs. Words waxed warm, and the disputants grew boisterously
+eloquent upon dogs of high and low degree,&mdash;dogs
+they had read of, and dogs they had seen; and, in fact, we
+much doubt, if ever before or since&mdash;this side of "Seven
+Dials" or St. Giles', there was a more thorough and animated
+discussion, on dogs, witnessed.</p>
+
+<p>An old and rusty codger, one whose outward bruises
+might have led a disciple of <i>Paley</i> to imagine they had
+caused a secret enjoyment within, sat back in the nearest
+corner, towards the stove, a most attentive auditor to the
+thrilling debate. Between his outspread feet, a dog was
+coiled up, the only indifferent individual present, apparently
+unconcerned upon the subject.</p>
+
+<p>"Look here," says the old codger, tossing one leg over
+t'other, and taking an easy and convenient attitude of observation;
+"look here, boys, you're talkin' about <i>dogs!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"Dogs?" says one of the most prominent speakers.</p>
+
+<p>"Dogs," echoes the old one.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, yes, daddy, we are talking about dogs."</p>
+
+<p>"What do you know about <i>dogs?</i>" says a full-blown
+<i>Jakey</i>, looking sharply at the old fellow.</p>
+
+<p>"Know about <i>dogs?</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"A' yes-s," says <i>Jakey</i>. "I bet dis five dollars, ole feller,
+you don't know a Spaniel from a butcher's <i>cur!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"Well," responds the old one, transposing his legs, "may
+be I <i>don't</i>, but it's <i>my</i> 'pinion you'd make a sorry <i>fiste</i> at
+best, if you had tail and ears a little longer!"</p>
+
+<p>This <i>sally</i> amused all but the young gentleman who "run
+wid de machine," and attracted general attention towards
+the old man, in whose eyes and wrinkles lurked a goodly
+share of mother wit and shrewdness. <i>Jakey</i> backing
+down, another of the by-standers put in.</p>
+
+<p>"Poppy, I expect you know what a good dog is?"</p>
+
+<p>"I reckon, boys, I orter. But I'm plaguy dry listening
+to your dog talk&mdash;confounded dry!"</p>
+
+<p>"What'll you drink, daddy?" said half a dozen of the
+dog fanciers, thinking to wet the old man's whistle to get
+some fun out of him. "What'll you drink?&mdash;come up, daddy."</p>
+
+<p>"Sperrets, boys, good old sperrets," and the old codger
+drank; then giving his lips a wipe with the back of his
+hand, and drawing out a long, deep "ah-h-h-h!" he again
+took his seat, observing, as he partially aroused his ugly
+and cross-grained mongrel&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Here's a <i>dog</i>, boys."</p>
+
+<p>"That <ins title="you're">your</ins> dog, dad?" asked several.</p>
+
+<p>"That's my dog, boys. He <i>is</i> a dog."</p>
+
+<p>"Ain't he, tho'?" jocularly responded the dog men.</p>
+
+<p>"What breed, daddy, do you call that dog of yours?"
+asked one.</p>
+
+<p>"Breed? He ain't any breed, <i>he</i> ain't. Stand up, Barney,
+(jerking up the sneaking-looking thing.) He's no
+breed, boys; look at him&mdash;see his tushes; growl, Barney,
+growl!&mdash;Ain't them tushes, boys? He's no breed, boys;
+<i>he's original stock!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, so I was going to say," says one.</p>
+
+<p>"That dog," says another, "must be valuable."</p>
+
+<p>"Waluable?" re-echoes the old man; "he is all that,
+boys; I wouldn't sell him; but, boys, I'm dry, dry as a
+powder horn&mdash;so much talkin' makes one dry."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, come up, poppy; what'll you take?" said the boys.</p>
+
+<p>"Sperrets, boys; good old sperrets. I do like good
+sperrets, boys, and that sperrets, Mister (to the ruffled-bosomed
+bar-keeper), o' your'n is like my dog&mdash;<i>can't be beat!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, daddy," continued the dog men, "where'd you
+get your dog?"</p>
+
+<p>"That dog," said the old fellow, again giving his mouth
+a back-hander, and his "ah-h-h!" accompaniment; "well,
+I'll tell you, boys, all about it."</p>
+
+<p>"Do, poppy, that's right; now, tell us all about it,"
+they cried.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, boys, 'd any you know Ben. McConachy, out here
+at the Risin' Sun Tavern?"</p>
+
+<p>"We've heard of him, daddy&mdash;go on," says they.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I worked for Ben. McConachy, one winter; he
+was a pizen mean man, but his wife&mdash;wasn't she mean?
+Why, boys, she'd spread all the bread with butter afore we
+sat down to breakfast; she'd begin with a quarter pound
+of butter, and when she'd got through, she had twice as
+much left."</p>
+
+<p>"But how about the dog, daddy? Come, tell us about
+your <i>dog</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, yes, I'll tell you, boys. You see, Ben. McConachy
+owned this dog; set up, Barney&mdash;look at his ears,
+boys&mdash;great, ain't they? Well, Ben's wife was mean&mdash;meaner
+than pizen. She hated this dog; she hated any
+thing that <i>et</i>; she considered any body, except her and her
+daughter (a pizen ugly gal), that et three pieces of bread
+and two cups of coffee at a meal, <i>awful!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"Blow the old woman; tell us about the <i>dog</i>, poppy,"
+said they.</p>
+
+<p>"Now, I'm coming to the pint&mdash;but, Lord! boys, I never
+was so dry in my life. I am dry&mdash;plaguy dry," said the
+old one.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, daddy, step up and take something; come,"
+said the dog men; "now let her slide. How about the <i>dog?</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"Ah-h-h-h! that's great sperrets, boys. Mister (to the
+bar-keeper), I don't find such sperrets as that <i>often</i>. Well,
+boys, as you're anxious to hear about the dog, I'll tell you
+all about him. You see, the old woman and Ben. was allers
+spatten 'bout one thing or t'other, and 'specially about this
+dog. So one day Ben. McConachy hears a feller wanted to
+buy a good dog, down to the <i>drove yard</i>, and he takes
+Barney&mdash;stand up, Barney&mdash;see that, boys; how quick he
+minds! Great dog, he is. Well, Ben. takes Barney, and
+down he goes to the <i>drove yard</i>. He met the feller; the
+feller looked at the dog; he saw Barney <i>was</i> a dog&mdash;he
+looked at him, asked how old he was; if that was all the
+dog Ben. owned, and he seemed to like the dog&mdash;but, boys,
+I'm gittin' dry&mdash;<i>rotted dry</i>&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Go on, tell us all about the dog, then we'll drink," says
+the boys.</p>
+
+<p>"'Well,' says Ben. McConachy to the feller, 'now, make
+us an offer for him.' Now, what do you suppose, boys, that
+feller's first offer was?"</p>
+
+<p>The boys couldn't guess it; they guessed and guessed;
+some one price, some another, all the way from five to fifty
+dollars&mdash;the old fellow continuing to say "No," until they
+gave it up.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, boys, I'll tell you&mdash;that feller, after looking and
+looking at Ben. McConachy's dog, tail to snout, half an
+hour&mdash;<i>didn't offer a red cent for him!</i> Ben. come home in
+disgust and give the dog to me&mdash;there he is. Now, boys,
+we'll have that sperrets."</p>
+
+<p>But on looking around, the boys had cut the pit&mdash;<i>mizzled!</i></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Perils_of_Wealth" id="Perils_of_Wealth"></a>The Perils of Wealth</h2>
+
+
+<p>Money is admitted to be&mdash;there is no earthly use of
+dodging the fact&mdash;the lever of the whole world, by
+which it and its multifarious cargo of men and matters, mountains
+and mole hills, wit, wisdom, weal, woe, warfare and
+women, are kept in motion, in season and out of season. It
+is the arbiter of our fates, our health, happiness, life and death.
+Where it makes one man a happy <i>Christian</i>, it makes ten
+thousand miserable <i>devils</i>. It is no use to argufy the matter,
+for money is the "root of all evil," more or less, and&mdash;as
+Patricus Hibernicus is supposed to have said of a single
+feather he reposed on&mdash;if a dollar gives some men so much
+uneasiness, what must a million do? Money has formed
+the basis of many a long and short story, and we only wish
+that they were all imbued, as our present story is, with&mdash;more
+irresistible mirth than misery. Lend us your ears.</p>
+
+<p>Not long ago, one of our present well-known&mdash;or ought
+to be, for he is a man of parts&mdash;business men of Boston,
+resided and carried on a small "trade and dicker" in the
+city of Portland. By frugal care and small profits, he had
+managed to save up some six hundred dollars, all in <i>halves</i>,
+finding himself in possession of this vast sum of hard cash,
+he began to conceive a rather insignificant notion of <i>small
+cities</i>; and he concluded that Portland was hardly big
+enough for a man of his pecuniary heft! In short, he began
+to feel the importance of his position in the world of finance,
+and conceived the idea that it would be a sheer waste of
+time and energy to stay in Portland, while with <i>his</i> capital,
+he could go to Boston, and spread himself among the millionaires
+and hundred thousand dollar men!</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said B&mdash;&mdash;, "I'll go to Boston; I'd be a fool to
+stay here any longer; I'll leave for bigger timber. But
+what will I do with my money? How will I invest it?
+Hadn't I better go and take a look around, before I conclude
+to move? My wife don't know I've got this money,"
+he continued, as he mused over matters one evening, in his
+sanctum; "I'll not tell her of it yet, but say I'm just going
+to Boston to see how business is there in my line; and my
+money I'll put in an old cigar box, and&mdash;"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>B&mdash;&mdash; was all ready with his valise and umbrella in his
+hand. His "good-bye" and all that, to his wife, was
+uttered, and for the tenth time he charged his better half
+to be careful of the fire, (he occupied a frame house,) see
+that the doors were all locked at night, and "be sure and
+fasten the cellar doors."</p>
+
+<p>B&mdash;&mdash; had got out on to the pavement, with no time to
+spare to reach the cars in season; yet he halted&mdash;ran back&mdash;opened
+the door, and in evident concern, bawled out to
+his wife&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Caddie!"</p>
+
+<p>"Well?" she answered.</p>
+
+<p>"Be sure to fasten the alley gate!"</p>
+
+<p>"Ye-e-e-e-s!" responded the wife, from the interior of
+the house.</p>
+
+<p>"And whatever you do, <i>don't forget them cellar doors</i>, Caddie!"</p>
+
+<p>"Ye-e-e-e-s!" she repeated, and away went B&mdash;&mdash;,
+lickety split, for the Boston train.</p>
+
+<p>After a general and miscellaneous survey of modern
+Athens, B&mdash;&mdash; found an opening&mdash;a good one&mdash;to go into
+business, as he desired, upon a liberal scale; but he found
+vent for the explosion of one very hallucinating idea&mdash;his
+six hundred dollars, as a cash capital, was a most infinitesimal
+<i>circumstance</i>, a mere "flea bite;" would do very well
+for an amateur in the cake and candy, pea-nut or vegetable
+business, but was hardly sufficient to create a sensation
+among the monied folks of Milk street, or "bulls" and
+"bears" on 'change. However, this realization was more
+than counter-balanced by another fact&mdash;"confidence" was a
+largely developed <i>bump</i> on the business head of Boston,
+and if a man merely lacked "means," yet possessed an
+abundance of good business qualifications&mdash;spirit, energy,
+talent and tact&mdash;they were bound to see him through! In
+short, B&mdash;&mdash;, the great Portland capitalist, found things
+about right, and in good time, and in the best of spirits,
+started for home, determining, in his own mind, to give his
+wife a most pleasant surprise, in apprizing her of the fact
+that she was not only the wife of a man with six hundred
+silver dollars, and about to move his <i>institution</i>&mdash;but the
+better half of a gentleman on the verge of a new campaign
+as a Boston business man.</p>
+
+<p>"Lord! how Caroline's eyes will snap!" said B&mdash;&mdash;;
+"how she'll go in; for she's had a great desire to live in
+Boston these five years, but thinks I'm in debt, and don't
+begin to believe I've got them six hundred all hid away
+down&mdash;&mdash;. But I'll surprise her!"</p>
+
+<p>B&mdash;&mdash; had hardly turned his corner and got sight of his
+house, with his mind fairly sizzling with the pent-up joyful
+tidings and grand surprise in store for Mrs. B., when a
+sudden change came over the spirit of his dream! As he
+gazed over the fence, by the now dim twilight of fading
+day, he thought&mdash;yes, he did see fresh earthy loose stones,
+barrels of lime, mortar, and an ominous display of other
+building and repairing materials, strewn in the rear of his
+domicil! The cellar doors&mdash;those wings of the subterranean
+recesses of his house&mdash;which he had cautioned, earnestly
+cautioned, the "wife of his bussim" to close, carefully and
+securely, were sprawling open, and indeed, the outside of
+his abode looked quite dreary and haunted.</p>
+
+<p>"My dear Caroline!" exclaimed B&mdash;&mdash;, rushing into the
+rear door of his domestic establishment, to the no small
+surprise of Mrs. B., who gave a premature&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Oh dear! how you frightened me, Fred! Got home?"</p>
+
+<p>"Home? yes! don't you see I have. But, Carrie, didn't
+I earnestly beg of you to keep those doors&mdash;cellar doors&mdash;shut? fastened?"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, how you talk! Bless me! Keep the cellar shut?
+Why, there's nothing in the cellar."</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing in the cellar?" fairly howls B&mdash;&mdash;.</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing? Of course there is not," quietly responded
+the wife; "there is nothing in the cellar; day before yesterday,
+our drain and Mrs. A.'s drain got choked up; she
+went to the landlord about it; he sent some men, they examined
+the drain, and came back to-day with their tools
+and things, and went down the cellar."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Down the cellar?</i>" gasped B&mdash;&mdash;, quite tragically.</p>
+
+<p>"Down <i>the</i> cellar!" slowly repeated Mrs. B.</p>
+
+<p>"Give me a light&mdash;quick, give me a light, Caroline!"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, don't be a fool. I brought up all the things, the
+potatoes, the meat, the squashes."</p>
+
+<p>"P-o-o-h! blow the meat and squashes! Give me a
+light!" and with a genuine melo-drama rush, B&mdash;&mdash; seized
+the lamp from his wife's hand, and down the cellar stairs he
+went, four steps at a lick. In a moment was heard&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"O-o-o-h! I'm ruined!"</p>
+
+<p>With a full-fledged scream, Mrs. B. dashed pell-mell down
+the stairs, to her husband. He had dropped the lamp&mdash;all
+was dark as a coal mine.</p>
+
+<p>"Fred&mdash;Frederick! oh! where are you? What have you
+done?" cried his wife, in intense agony and doubt.</p>
+
+<p>"Done? Oh! I'm done! yes, done now!" he heavily sighed.</p>
+
+<p>"Done what? how? Tell me, Fred, are you hurt?"</p>
+
+<p>"What on airth's the matter, thar? Are you committing
+murder on one another?" came a voice from above stairs.</p>
+
+<p>"Is that you, Mrs. A.?" asked Mrs. B. to the last speaker.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, my dear; here's a dozen neighbors; don't get
+skeert. Is thare robbers in yer house? What on airth is going on?"</p>
+
+<p>This brought B&mdash;&mdash; to his proper reckoning. He
+ordered his wife to "go up," and he followed, and upon
+reaching the room, he found quite a gathering of the neighbors.
+He was as white as a white-washed wall, and the
+neighbors staring at him as though he was a wild Indian, or
+a chained mad dog. Importuned from all sides to unravel
+the mystery, B&mdash;&mdash; informed them that he had merely gone
+down cellar to see what the masons, &amp;c., had been doing&mdash;dropped
+his lamp&mdash;his wife screamed&mdash;and that was all
+about it! The wife said nothing, and the neighbors shook
+their incredulous heads, and went home; which, no sooner
+had they gone, than B&mdash;&mdash; seized his hat and cut stick for
+the office of a cunning, far-seeing limb of the law, leaving
+Mrs. B. in a state of mental agitation better imagined than
+described. B&mdash;&mdash; stated his case&mdash;he had buried six hundred
+dollars in a box under the <i>lee</i> of the cellar-wall, and
+gone to Boston on business, and as if no other time would
+suit, a parcel of drain-cleaners, and masons, and laborers,
+must come and go right there and then to dig&mdash;get the six
+hundred dollars and clear.</p>
+
+<p>After a long chase, law and bother, B&mdash;&mdash; recovered half
+his money&mdash;packed up and came to Boston.&mdash;There's a
+case for you! Beware of money!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Nursing_a_Legacy" id="Nursing_a_Legacy"></a>Nursing a Legacy.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Waiting for dead men's shoes is a slow and not
+very sure business; sometimes it pays and sometimes
+it don't. I know a genius who lost by it, and his
+case will bear repeating, for there is both morality and fun
+in it.</p>
+
+<p>Lev Smith, a native of "the Eastern shore" of Maryland,
+and a resident of a small town in the lower part of
+Delaware, began life on a very limited capital, and because
+of a natural disposition indigenous to the climate and customs
+of his native place&mdash;general apathy and unmitigated
+<i>patience</i> peculiar to people raised on fish and Johnny-cake,
+amid the stunted pine swamps and sand-hills of that Lord-forsaken
+country&mdash;Lev never increased it. Lev had an
+uncle, an old bachelor, without "chick or child," and was
+reported to be pretty well off. Old man Gunter was proverbially
+mean, and as usual, heartily despised by one half
+of the people who knew him. He had a small estate, had
+lived long, and by his close-fisted manner of life, it was believed
+that Gunter had laid by a pretty considerable pile
+of the root of all evil, for something or somebody; and
+one day Lev Smith, the nephew, came to the conclusion
+that as the old man was getting quite shaky and must soon
+resign his interests in all worldly gear, <i>he</i> would volunteer
+to console the declining years of his dear old uncle, by his
+own pleasant company and encouragement, and the old man
+very gladly accepted the proposals of Lev, to cut wood,
+dig, scratch and putter around his worn out and dilapidated
+farm. Uncle Gunter had but two negroes; through starvation
+and long service he had worn them about out; he
+had little or no "stock" upon his <i>farm</i>, quite as scant an
+assortment of utensils, few fences, and in fact, to any actively
+disposed individual, the general appearance and state
+of affairs about old Gunter's <i>place</i> would have given the
+double-breasted blues. But Lev Smith had come to loaf
+and lounge, and not to display any very active or patriotic
+evolutions, so he was not so much disheartened by his uncle's
+dilapidated farm, as he was annoyed by the beggarly way
+the old man lived, and the assiduous desire he seemed to
+manifest for Lev to be stirring around, gathering chips,
+patching fences, cutting brush; from morn till night, he
+and the two superannuated cuffies; and the old man barely
+raising enough to keep soul and body of the party together.</p>
+
+<p>At first, the job he had undertaken proved almost too
+much for Lev Smith's constitution, but the great object in
+view consoled him, and the more he saw of the old man's
+meanness, the more and more he took it for granted that his
+uncle had necessarily hoarded up treasure; but, after three
+years' drudgery, Lev's courage was on the point of breaking
+down; the only stay left seemed the fact that now he had
+served so long a time, so patiently and lovingly, and the
+old man apparently upon his very last legs&mdash;it seemed a
+ruthless waste of his golden dreams to give out, so he made
+up his mind to&mdash;wait a little longer. Another year rolled
+on; Uncle Gunter got indeed low, and the lower he got
+the more assiduous got nephew Smith, and even the neighbors
+wondered how a young man <i>could</i> stick on, and put up
+with such a miserly, mean, selfish and penurious old curmudgeon
+as old Joe Gunter. Gunter himself was apprized
+of the great indulgence and wonderful patience of his nephew,
+and not unfrequently said, in a groaning voice:</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, my dear Levi, you're a good boy; I wish to the
+Lord it was in your poor, miserable, wretched old uncle's
+distressed power to&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind, never mind, Uncle Joe," Lev would most
+deceitfully respond; "I ask nothing for myself; what I do,
+I <i>do</i> willingly!"</p>
+
+<p>"I know, I know you do, poor boy, but your poor, old,
+miserable, wretched uncle don't deserve it."</p>
+
+<p>"Don't mind that, dear uncle," says Lev. "It's my duty,
+and I'll do it."</p>
+
+<p>"Good boy, good boy; your poor, old, miserable uncle
+will be grateful&mdash;we'll see."</p>
+
+<p>"I know that&mdash;I feel sure he will, dear Uncle Joe&mdash;and
+that's enough, <i>all</i> I ask."</p>
+
+<p>"And if he don't&mdash;poor, miserable old creature,&mdash;if he
+don't pay you, the Lord will, Levi!"</p>
+
+<p>"And that will be all that's needed, Uncle Joe," says
+the humbugging nephew. And so they went, Lev not only
+waiting on the old man with the tender and faithful care of
+a good Samaritan, but out of his own slender resources
+ministering to the old man's especial comfort in many ways
+and matters which Uncle Joe would have seen him hanged
+and quartered before he would in a like manner done likewise.
+But the end came&mdash;the old fellow held on toughly; he never
+died until Lev's patience, hope and slender income were
+quite threadbare; so he at last went off the handle&mdash;Lev
+buried him and mourned the dispensation in true Kilkenny fashion.</p>
+
+<p>Lev Smith now awaited the settlement of Uncle Gunter's
+affairs in grief and solicitude. Another party also awaited
+the upshot of the matter, with due solemnity and expectation,
+and that party was Polly Williams, Lev's "intended,"
+and her poor and miserly dad and marm, who knew Lev
+Smith, as they said, was a lazy, lolloping sort of a feller,
+but sure to get all that his poor, miserable uncle was worth
+in the world, and therefore, with more craft and diligence,
+if possible, than Lev practised, the Williamses set Polly's
+cap for Lev, and who, in turn, was not unmindful of the
+fact that Williams "had something" too, as well as his two
+children, Polly and Peter. Things seemed indeed bright
+and propitious on all sides. The day came; Lev was on
+hand at Squire Cornelius's, to hear the will read, and the
+estate of the deceased settled.</p>
+
+<p>As usual in such cases in the country, quite a number of
+the neighbors were on hand&mdash;old Williams, of course.</p>
+
+<p>"He was a queer old mortal," began the Squire.</p>
+
+<p>"But a good man," sobbed Lev Smith, drawing out his
+bandanna, and smothering his sharp nose in it. "A good
+man, 'Squire."</p>
+
+<p>"God's his judge," responded the Squire, and a number
+of the neighbors shook their head and stroked their beards,
+as if to say amen.</p>
+
+<p>"Joseph Gunter mout have been a good man and he
+mout not," continued the Squire; "some thinks he was
+not; I only say he was a queer old mortal, and here's his
+will. Last will and testament of Joseph Gunter, &amp;c.,
+&amp;c.," continued the Squire.</p>
+
+<p>"Poor, dear old man," sobbed Lev. "Poor <i>dear</i> old man!"</p>
+
+<p>"Being without wife or children," continued the 'Squire.</p>
+
+<p>"O, dear! poor, dear old man, how <i>I</i> shall miss him in
+this world of sorrow and sin," sobs Lev, while old Williams
+bit his skinny lips, and the neighbors again stroked their beards.</p>
+
+<p>"To comfort my declining years&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Poor, <i>dear</i> old man, he was to be pitied; I did all I
+could do," groaned the disconsolate Lev, "but I didn't do
+half enough."</p>
+
+<p>"Passing coldly and cheerless through the world&mdash;"
+continued the 'Squire.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, he did, poor old man; O, dear!" says Lev.</p>
+
+<p>"Cared for by none, hated and shunned by all (Lev
+looked vacantly over his handkerchief, at the Squire), I
+have made up my mind (Lev all attention) that no mortal
+shall benefit by me; I have therefore <ins title="mortaged">mortgaged</ins> and sold
+(Lev's eyes spreading) everything I had of a dollar's
+value in the world, and buried the money in the earth where
+none but the devil himself can find it!"</p>
+
+<p>There was a general snicker and stare&mdash;all eyes on Lev,
+his face as blank as a sham cartridge, while old Williams's
+countenance fell into a concatenation of grimaces and
+wrinkles&mdash;language fails to describe!</p>
+
+<p>"But here's a codicil," says the 'Squire, re-adjusting his
+glasses. "Knowing my nephew, Levi Smith, expects
+something (Lev brightens up, old Williams grins!)&mdash;he
+has hung around me for a long time, expecting it (Lev's
+jaw falls), I do hereby freely forgive him his six years
+boarding and lodging, and, furthermore, make him a present
+of my two old negroes, Ben and Dinah."</p>
+
+<p>"The&mdash;the&mdash;the&mdash;cussed old screw," bawls old Williams.</p>
+
+<p>"The infernal, double and twisted, mean, contemptible,
+miserable old scoundrel!" cries poor Lev, foaming with
+virtuous indignation, and swinging his doubled up fists.</p>
+
+<p>"And you&mdash;you&mdash;you cussed, do-less, good for nothing,
+hypocritical skunk, you," yells old Williams, shaking his
+bony fingers in poor Lev's face, the neighbors grinning
+from ear to ear, "to humbug me, my wife, my Polly, in this
+yer way. Now clear yourself&mdash;take them old niggers, don't
+leave 'em here for the crows to eat&mdash;clear yourself!"</p>
+
+<p>Lev Smith sneaks off like a kill-sheep dog, leaving old
+Ben and Dinah to the tender mercies of a quite miserable
+and equally wretched neighborhood. Polly Williams didn't
+"take on" much about the matter, but in the course of a
+few weeks took another venture in love's lottery, and&mdash;was
+married. Poor Lev Smith returned to the scenes of his
+childhood, a wiser and a poorer man.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="of_a_Mover" id="of_a_Mover"></a>The Troubles of a Mover.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Mr. Flash in?"</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Flash? Don't know any such person, my son."</p>
+
+<p>"Why, he lives here!" continued the boy.</p>
+
+<p>"Guess not, my son; I live here."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, this is the house, for I brought the things here."</p>
+
+<p>"What things?" says our friend, Flannigan.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, the door mat, the brooms, buckets and brushes,"
+says little breeches.</p>
+
+<p>Flannigan looks vacantly at his own door mat, for a minute,
+then says he&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Come in my man, I'll see if any such articles have come
+here, for us."</p>
+
+<p>The boy walks into the hall, amid the barricades of yet
+unplaced household effects&mdash;for Flannigan had just moved
+in&mdash;and Flannigan calls for Mrs. F. The lady appears and
+denies all knowledge of any such purchases, or reception
+of buckets, brooms, and little breeches clears out.</p>
+
+<p>In the course of an hour, a violent jerk at the bell announces
+another customer. Flannigan being at work in
+the parlor, answers the call; he opens the door, and there
+stands "a greasy citizen."</p>
+
+<p>"Goo' mornin'. Mr. Flash in?"</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Flash? I don't know him, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"You don't?" says the "greasy citizen." "He lives
+here, got this bill agin him, thirty-four dollars, ten cents,
+per-visions."</p>
+
+<p>"I live here, sir; my name's Flannigan, I don't know
+you, or owe you, of course!"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, that's a pooty spot o' work, <i>any how</i>;" growls
+our greasy citizen, crumpling up his bill. "Where's Flash?"</p>
+
+<p>"I can't possibly say," says Flannigan.</p>
+
+<p>"You can't?"</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly not."</p>
+
+<p>"Don't know where he's gone to?" growls the butcher.</p>
+
+<p>"No more than the man in the moon!"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, he ain't goin' to dodge <i>me</i>, in no sich a way,"
+says the butcher. "I'll find him, if it costs me a bullock,
+you may tell him so!&mdash;for <i>me!</i>" growls the butcher.</p>
+
+<p>"Tell him yourself, sir; I've nothing to do with the fellow,
+don't know him from Adam, as I've already told <i>you</i>,"
+says Flannigan, closing the door&mdash;the "greasy citizen"
+walking down the steps muttering thoughts that breathe and
+words that burn!</p>
+
+<p>Flannigan had just elevated himself upon the top of the
+centre table, to hang up Mrs. F.'s portrait upon the parlor
+wall, when another ring was heard of the bell. He called
+to his little daughter to open the door and see what was wanted.</p>
+
+<p>"Is your fadder in, ah?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir, I'll call him," says the child, but before she
+could reach the parlor, a burly Dutch baker marches in.</p>
+
+<p>"Goot mornin', I bro't de <i>pills</i> in."</p>
+
+<p>"Pills?" says Flannigan.</p>
+
+<p>"Yaw, for de prets," continues the baker; "nine tollars
+foof'ey cents. I vos heert you was movin', so I tink maybees
+you was run away."</p>
+
+<p>"Mistake, sir, I don't owe you a cent; never bought
+bread of you!"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Vaw's!</i> Tonner a' blitzen!&mdash;don't owes me!"</p>
+
+<p>"Not a cent!" says Flannigan, standing&mdash;hammer in
+hand, upon the top of the table.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Vaw's!</i> you goin' thrun away and sheet me, <i>ah</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>"Look here, my friend, you are under a mistake. I've
+just moved in here, my name's Flannigan, you never saw
+me before, and of course I never dealt with you!&mdash;don't
+you see?"</p>
+
+<p>"Tonner a' blitzen!" cries the enraged baker, "I see vat
+you vant, to sheet me out mine preet, you raskills&mdash;I go
+fetch the con-stabl's, de shudge, de sher'ffs, and I have
+mine mon-ney in mine hands!" and off rushes the enraged
+man of dough, upsetting the various small articles piled up
+on the bureau in the hall&mdash;by <i>wanging</i> to the door.</p>
+
+<p>Poor Flannigan felt quite "put out;" he came very near
+dashing his hammer at the Dutchman's head, but hoping
+there was an end to the annoyances he kept at work, until
+another ring of the bell announced another call. The Irish
+girl went to the door; Flannigan listens&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Flash in?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yees!" says Biddy, supposing Flash and Flannigan
+was the same in Dutch. "Would yees come in, sir," and
+in comes the young man.</p>
+
+<p>"Good morning, sir," quoth he; "I've called as you requested
+sir, with the bill of that china set, &amp;c."</p>
+
+<p>"Mistake, sir&mdash;I've bought no china set, lately," says Flannigan.</p>
+
+<p>"Isn't your name Flash, sir!"</p>
+
+<p>"No, sir, my name's <i>Flannigan</i>. I've just moved here."</p>
+
+<p>"Indeed," says the clerk. "Well, sir, where has Flash
+gone to, do you know."</p>
+
+<p>"Gone to be hanged! I trust, for I've been bothered all
+this morning by persons that scoundrel appears to owe.
+He moved out of here, day before yesterday; I took his
+unexpired term of the lease of this dwelling, having noticed
+it advertised, gave the fellow a bonus for his lease, and he
+cleared for California, I believe."</p>
+
+<p>This concise statement appeared to satisfy the clerk that
+his "firm" was <i>done</i>, and the young man and <i>his</i> bill
+stepped out. Another <i>ring</i>, and Flannigan opens the door;
+two men wanted to see Mr. Flash; he had been buying some
+tin-ware of one, and the other he owed for putting up a
+fire range in the building, and which range and accoutrements
+poor Flannigan had bought for twenty-five dollars,
+cash down! These gentlemen felt very vindictive, of course,
+and hinted awful strong that Flannigan was privy to Flash's
+movements; and a great deal more, until Flannigan losing
+his patience, and then his temper, ordered the men to vamose!&mdash;they
+did, giving poor Flannigan a "good blessing"
+as they walked away!</p>
+
+<p>The family was about to sit down to a "made-up dinner"
+in the back parlor, when the bell rang; the Irish girl
+answered the call, and returned with a bill of sundry groceries,
+handed in by a man at the door.</p>
+
+<p>"Tell him Mr. Flash has gone&mdash;left&mdash;don't know him,
+and don't want to know him, or have any thing to do with
+him or his bill!"</p>
+
+<p>The girl carried back the bill; presently Flannigan hears
+a <i>muss</i> in the hall, he gets up and goes out; there was
+Biddy and the grocer's man in a high dispute. Biddy&mdash;"true
+to her instinct," had made a bull of her message by
+telling the man her master didn't know him; go to the
+divil wid his bill! Flannigan managed to pacify the man,
+and give him to understand that Mr. Flash was gone to
+parts unknown, and&mdash;the grocer, in common with bakers,
+butchers, tinners and china dealers&mdash;were <i>done!</i></p>
+
+<p>But now came the tug of war; two "colored ladies"
+made their appearance, for a small bill of seven dollars,
+for washing and ironing the dickeys and fine linen of the Flashes.</p>
+
+<p>"An' de fac <i>am</i>," says the one, "we's bound to hab de
+money, <i>shuah!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>It did not seem to <i>take</i> when Flannigan informed his
+colored friends that they were surely <i>done</i>, as their debtor
+had "cut his lucky" and gone!</p>
+
+<p>The darkies felt inclined to be <i>sassy</i>, and Flannigan
+closed the door, ordering them to create a vacancy by
+clearing out, and just as he closed the door, ring goes
+the bell!</p>
+
+<p>"Be gor," says a brawny "adopted citizen," planting
+his brogan upon the sill, as Flannigan opened the door&mdash;"I've
+come wid me <i>coz</i>-zin to git her wages, ye's owin' her!"</p>
+
+<p>"Me? Owe you?" cries poor Flannigan.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Igh!</i>" says Paddy, trying to push his way into the hall.</p>
+
+<p>"Stand back, you scoundrel!" cries Flannigan.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Scoun-thril!</i>" roars the outraged "adopted citizen."</p>
+
+<p>"Stand back, you infernal ruffian!" exclaims Flannigan,
+as Paddy makes a rush to grab him.</p>
+
+<p>"Give me me coz-zin's wages, ye&mdash;ye&mdash;" but here his oration
+drew towards a close, for Flannigan, no longer able to
+recognise virtue in forbearance, opened the door and planting
+his own huge fist between the <i>ogle-factories</i> of Paddy,
+knocked him as stiff as a bull beef! Falling, Paddy carried
+away his red-faced burly coz-zin, and the twain tumbling
+upon the two negro women who were still at the
+bottom of the steps, dilating, to any number of lookers-on,
+upon the rascality of poor Flannigan in gouging them out
+of their washing bill, down went the white spirits and
+black, all in a lump.</p>
+
+<p>Here was a row! A mob gathered; "the people in that
+house" were denounced in all manner of ways, the negroes
+screamed, the Irish roared, the Dutch baker came up with
+a police-man to arrest Flannigan for stealing his bread!
+And soon the butcher arrived with another officer to seize
+the goods of Flash, supposed to be in the house&mdash;ready to
+be taken away!</p>
+
+<p>Such a double and twisted uproar in Dutch, Irish, Ethiopian
+and natural Yankee, was terrific!</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. F. fainted, the children screamed, and poor Flannigan
+was carried to the police office to answer half a cord
+of "charges," and reached home near sundown, quite exhausted,
+and his wallet bled for "costs," fines, &amp;c., some
+$20. Poor Flannigan moved again; the house had such a
+"bad name," he couldn't stay in it.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="The_Question_Settled" id="The_Question_Settled"></a>The Question Settled.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Doctor" Gumbo, who "does business" somewhere
+along shore, met "Prof." <i>White</i>,&mdash;a gemman, whose complexion
+is four shades darker than the famed ace of
+spades,&mdash;a few evenings since, in front of the <i>Blade</i> office,
+and after the usual formalities of greeting, says the doctor&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"What you tink, sah, oh dat Lobes question, what dey's
+makin' sich a debbil ob a talk about in de papers?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well," dignifiedly answered the professor of polish-on
+boots, "it's my 'ticular opinion, sah, dat dat Lopes got
+into de wrong pew, brudder Gumbo, when he went down to
+Cuber for his healf!"</p>
+
+<p>"Pshaw! sah, I'se talkin' about de gwynna (guano)
+question, I is."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, doctor," said the professor, "I'se not posted up
+on de goanna question, no how; but, when you comes to
+de Cuber, or de best mode ob applyin' de principle ob
+liquid blackin' to de rale fuss-rate calfskin, <i>I'se dar!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"O! oh!" grunts Gumbo; "professor, you'se great on
+de natural principles ob de chemical skyence, I see; but
+lord honey, I doos pity your ignorance on jography questions.
+So, take care ob yourself, ole nigger&mdash;yaw! yaw!"
+and they parted with the formality of two Websters, and
+half a dozen common-sized dignitaries of the nation thrown in.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="the_Astor_House" id="the_Astor_House"></a>How it's Done at the Astor House.</h2>
+
+
+<p>People often wonder how a man can manage to drink
+up his salary in liquor, provided it is sufficient to buy
+a gallon of the very best ardent every day in the year.
+How a fortune can be drank up, or drank down, by the
+possessor, is still a greater poser to the unsophisticated.
+Now, to be sure, a man who confines himself, in his potations,
+to fourpenny drinks of small beer, Columbian whiskey,
+or even that detestable stuff, by courtesy or custom called
+<i>French brandy</i>,&mdash;which, in fact, is generally aquafortis,
+corrosive sublimate, cochineal, logwood, and whiskey,&mdash;and
+don't happen to know too many drouthy cronies, may
+make a very long lane of it; but it's the easiest thing in
+the world to swallow a snug salary, income, mortgages, live
+stock, and real estate, when you know how it's done.</p>
+
+<p>Managing a theatre, publishing a newspaper, or keeping
+trained dogs or trotting horses, don't hardly begin to phlebotomize
+purse and reputation, like drinking.</p>
+
+<p>"Doctor," said a gay Southern blood, to a famed "tooth
+doctor," "look into my mouth."</p>
+
+<p>"I can't see any thing there, sir," says the tooth puller.</p>
+
+<p>"Can't? Well, that's deuced strange. Why, sir, look
+again; you see nothing!"</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing, sir!"</p>
+
+<p>"Why, sir," says the young planter, "it's most astonishing,
+for I've just finished swallowing&mdash;<i>three hundred negroes
+and two cotton plantations!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>Four young bucks met, some years ago, in a fashionable
+drinking saloon in Cincinnati. It was one of the most elegant
+drinking establishments in that part of the country.
+The young chaps belonged over in Kentucky&mdash;daddies rich,
+and they didn't care a snap! says they, let's have a spree!
+The "sham" came in, and they went at it; giving that a
+fair trial, they took a turn at sherry, hock, and a sample of
+all the most expensive stuffs the proprietors had on hand.
+Getting fuddled, they got uproarious; they kicked over the
+tables and knocked down the waiters. The landlord, not
+exactly appreciating that sort of "going on," remonstrated,
+and was met by an array of pistols and knives. Mad and
+furious, the young chaps made a general onslaught on the
+people present, who "dug out" very quick, leaving the
+bacchanalians to their glory; whereupon, they fell to and
+fired their pistols into the mirrors, paintings, chandeliers,
+&amp;c. Of course the watchmen came in, about the time the
+young gentlemen finished their youthful indiscretions, and
+after the usual battering and banging of the now almost
+inanimate bodies of the quartette, landed them in the calaboose.
+Next day they settled their bills, and it cost them
+about $2200! It was rather an expensive lesson, but it's
+altogether probable that they haven't forgotten a letter of
+it yet.</p>
+
+<p>A small party of country merchants, traders, &amp;c., were
+cruising around New York, one evening, seeing the lions,
+and their cicerone,&mdash;by the way, a "native" who knew what
+<i>was</i> what,&mdash;took them up Broadway, and as they passed
+the Astor House, says one of the strangers:</p>
+
+<p>"Smith, what's this thunderin' big house?"</p>
+
+<p>"O, ah, yes, this," says the cicerone, Smith, "<i>this</i>, boys, is
+a great tavern, fine place to get a drink."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, be hooky, let's all go in."</p>
+
+<p>In they all went; taking a private room or small side
+parlor, the country gents requested Smith to do the talking
+and order in the liquor. Smith called for a bill of fare,
+upon which are "invoiced" more "sorts" and harder named
+wines and <i>liquors</i> than could be committed to memory in a week.</p>
+
+<p>"That's it," says Smith, marking a bill of fare, and handing
+it to the servant, "that's it&mdash;two bottles, bring 'em up."</p>
+
+<p>Up came the wine; it was, of course, elegant. The
+country gents froze to it. They had never tasted such stuff
+before, in all their born days!</p>
+
+<p>"Look a here, mister," says one of the "business men,"
+"got eny more uv that wine?"</p>
+
+<p>"O, yes, sir!" says the servant.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, fetch it in."</p>
+
+<p>"Two bottles, sir?"</p>
+
+<p>"Two ganders! No, bring in six bottles!&mdash;I can go two
+on 'em myself," says the country gent.</p>
+
+<p>The servant delivered his message at the bar, and after
+a few grimaces and whispering, the servant and one of the
+bar-keepers, or clerks, carried up the wine. Says the clerk,
+whispering to Smith, whom he slightly knew:</p>
+
+<p>"Smith, do you know the price of this wine?"</p>
+
+<p>"Certainly I do," says Smith; "here it's invoiced on the
+catalogue, ain't it?"</p>
+
+<p>"O, very well," says the clerk, about to withdraw.</p>
+
+<p>"Hold on!" says one of the merry country gents, "don't
+snake your handsome countenance off so quick; do yer want
+us to fork rite up fur these drinks?" hauling out his wallet.</p>
+
+<p>"No, yer don't," says another, hauling out his change.</p>
+
+<p>"My treat, if you please, boys," says the third, pulling out
+a handful of small change. "I asked the party in, an' I pay
+for what licker we drink&mdash;be thunder!"</p>
+
+<p>In the midst of their enthusiasm, the clerk observed it
+was of no importance just then&mdash;the bill would be presented
+when they got through. This was satisfactory, and the
+party went on finishing their wine, smoking, &amp;c.</p>
+
+<p>"S'pose we have some rale sham-paigne, boys?" says one
+of the gents, beginning to feel his oats, some!</p>
+
+<p>"Agreed!" says the rest. Two bottles of the best "<i>sham</i>"
+in "the tavern" were called for, and which the party drank
+with great gusto.</p>
+
+<p>"Now," says one of them, "let's go to the the-ater, or
+some other place where there's a show goin' on. Here, you,
+mister,"&mdash;to the servant,&mdash;"go fetch in the landlord."</p>
+
+<p>"The landlord, sur?" says Pat, the servant, in some
+doubts as to the meaning of the phrase.</p>
+
+<p>"Ay, landlord&mdash;or that chap that was in here just now;
+tell him to fetch in the bill. Ah, here you are, old feller;
+well, what's the damages?" asks the gent, so ambitious of
+putting the party through, and hauling out a handful of
+keys, silver and coppers, to do it with.</p>
+
+<p>"Eight bottles of that old flim-flam-di-rip-rap," pronouncing
+one of those fancy gamboge titles found upon an
+Astor House catalogue, "<i>ninety-six dollars&mdash;</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"What?" gasped the country gent, gathering up his small
+change, that he had began to sort out on the table.</p>
+
+<p>"And two bottles of 'Shreider,' and cigars&mdash;seven
+dollars," coolly continued the bar-clerk; "one hundred and
+three dollars."</p>
+
+<p>"<i>A hundred and three thunder&mdash;</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">A hundred and three dollars!</span>" cried the country
+gents, in one breath, all starting to their feet, and putting
+on their hats.</p>
+
+<p>The clerk explained it, clear as mud; the trio "spudged
+up" the amount, looked very sober, and walked out.</p>
+
+<p>"Come, boys," said Smith, "let's go to the theatre."</p>
+
+<p>"Guess not," says "the boys." "B'lieve we'll go home for
+to-night, Mr. Smith." And they made for their lodgings.</p>
+
+<p>If those country gents were asked, when they got home,
+any particulars about the "elephant," they'd probably hint
+something about getting a glimpse of him at the Astor House.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="The_Advertisement" id="The_Advertisement"></a>The Advertisement.</h2>
+
+
+<p>Sit down for a moment, we will not detain you long, our
+story will interest you, we are sure, for it is most commendable,
+brief, and&mdash;singularly true.</p>
+
+<p>A poor widow, in the city of Philadelphia, was the
+mother of three pretty children, orphans of a ship-builder,
+who lost his life in the corvette Kensington, a naval vessel,
+built in Kensington for one of the South American republics,
+and launched in 1826. The South Americans
+being short of funds, the Kensington, after years of delay,
+was sold to the emperor of all the Russias, and sailed for
+Constradt in 1830. Some forty of the carpenters, who had
+built the vessel, went out in her; she had immense, but
+symmetrical spars&mdash;carried vast clouds of canvass&mdash;was
+caught off Cape Henlopen in a squall&mdash;her spars came thundering
+to the deck, and poor Glenn, the ship builder, was
+among the slain.</p>
+
+<p>The widow was allowed but a brief time to mourn for
+the departed; pinching poverty was at her door; upon her
+own exertions now devolved the care and toil of rearing
+her three children. Cynthia, the eldest, was a pretty brunette,
+of thirteen; the neighbors thought Cynthia could
+"go out to work;" the next eldest, Martin, a fine, sturdy
+and intelligent boy, could go to a trade; and the youngest,
+Rosa, one of the most beautiful, blue-eyed, blonde little
+girls of seven years, poetical fancy ever realized, "the
+neighbors thought," ought to be <i>given</i> to somebody, to
+raise. The mother was but a feeble woman; it would be a
+task for her to obtain her own living, they thought; and
+so, kind, generous souls, with that peculiar readiness with
+which disinterested friends console or advise the unfortunate,
+"the neighbors" became very eloquent and argumentative.
+But though the mother's hands were weak, her heart was
+strong, and her love for her children still stronger.</p>
+
+<p>It is rather a singular trait in the human character, it
+appears to us, that people possessing the ordinary attributes
+of sane Christians, should so readily advise others to
+attempt, or do, that from which <i>they</i> would instinctively
+recoil; the mass of Widow Glenn's advisers might have
+been far more serviceable to her, by contributing their mites
+towards preserving the unity of her little and precious
+family, than thus savagely advising its disbanding.</p>
+
+<p>Newspapers, at this day, were far less numerous very
+expensive, and circulated to a very limited degree, indeed.
+But the widow took a paper, a family, weekly journal; and
+while casting her vacant eye over the columns, at the close
+of a Saturday eve, after a severe week's toil for the bread
+her little and precious ones had eaten, the widow's attention
+was called to an advertisement, as follows:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"<span class="smcap">A Housekeeper Wanted.</span>&mdash;An elderly gentleman desires
+a middle-aged, pleasantly-disposed, tidy and industrious
+American woman, to take charge and conduct the
+domestic affairs of his household. A reasonable compensation
+allowed. Good reference required, <i>the applicant to
+have no incumbrances</i>. Apply at this office, for the address, &amp;c."</p></div>
+
+<p>The eager smile, that seemed to warm the wan features
+of the widow, as she glanced over the advertisement, was
+dimmed and darkened, as the shining river of summer is
+shadowed by the heavy passing cloud, when she came to
+the chilling words&mdash;<i>the applicant to have no incumbrances</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"No incumbrances," moaned the widow, "shall none but
+God deign to smile or have mercy on the helpless orphans;
+are they to be feared, shunned, hated, because helpless?
+Must they perish&mdash;die with me alone&mdash;struggling against
+our woes, poverty, wretchedness? No! I know there is a
+God, he is good, powerful, merciful; he will turn the hearts
+of some towards the widow and the orphan; and though
+basilisk-like words warn me to hope not, I will apply&mdash;I
+will attempt to win attention, work, slave, toil, toil, toil,
+until my poor hands shall wear to the bone, and my eyes
+no longer do their office&mdash;if he will only have mercy, pity
+for my poor, poor orphans&mdash;God bless them!" and in melting
+tenderness and emotion, the poor woman dropped her
+face upon her lap and wept&mdash;her tears were the showers of
+hope, to the almost parched soil of her heart, and as the
+gentle dews of heaven fall to the earth, so fell the widow's
+tears in balmy freshness upon her visions of a brighter
+something&mdash;in the future.</p>
+
+<p>It was yet early in the evening; her children slept; the
+poor woman put on her bonnet and shawl, and started at
+once for the office of the <i>news</i>paper. The publisher was
+just closing his sanctum, but he gave the information the
+widow required, and favorably impressed with Mrs. Glenn's
+appearance and manner, the publisher, a quaker, interrogated
+her on various points of her present condition, prospects,
+&amp;c.; and observed, that but for her children, he had
+no doubt of the widow's suiting the old man exactly.</p>
+
+<p>"But thee must not be neglected, or discarded from
+honest industry, because of thy responsibilities, which God
+hath given thee," said the quaker. "If thy lad is stout of
+his age, and a good boy, I will provide for him; he may
+learn our business, and be off thy charge, and thee may be
+enabled to keep thy two female children about thee."</p>
+
+<p>On the following Monday, the widow signified her intention
+of writing a few lines as an applicant for the situation
+of housekeeper, and afterwards to consult with the
+publisher in regard to her boy, Martin, and then bidding
+the courteous quaker farewell, she sought her humble
+domicil, with a much lighter heart than she had lately carried
+from her distressed and lonely home.</p>
+
+<p>In an ancient part of the Quaker city, facing the broad
+and beautiful Delaware river, stood a venerable mansion;
+but few of this class now remain in Philadelphia, and the
+one of which we now speak, but recently passed away, in
+the great conflagration that visited the city in 1850. In
+this substantial and stately brick edifice, lived one of the
+wealthy and retired ship brokers of Quakerdom. He was
+very wealthy, very eccentric, very good-hearted, but passionate,
+plethoric, gouty, and seventy years of age. Mr.
+Job Carson had lived long and seen much; he had been so
+engrossed in clearing his fortune, that from twenty-five to
+forty, he had not bethought him of that almost indispensable
+appendage to a man's comfort in this world&mdash;a wife. He
+was the next ten years considering the matter over, and
+then, having built and furnished himself a costly mansion,
+which he peopled with servants, headed by a maiden sister
+as housekeeper, Job thought, upon the whole&mdash;to which his
+sister added her strong consent&mdash;that matrimony would
+greatly increase his cares, and perhaps add more <i>noise</i> and
+confusion to his household, than it might counterbalance or
+offset by probable comfort in "wedded happiness," so
+temptingly set forth to old bachelors.</p>
+
+<p>"No," said Job, at fifty, "I'll not marry, not trade off
+my single blessedness yet; at least, there's time enough,
+there's women enough; I'm young, hale, hearty, in the
+prime of life; no, I'll not give up the ship to woman yet."</p>
+
+<p>Another ten years rolled along, and the thing turned up
+in the retired merchant's mind again&mdash;he was now sixty,
+and one, at least, of the objections to his entering the
+wedded state, removed&mdash;for a man at sixty is scarcely too
+young to marry, surely.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, it's all up," quoth Job Carson. "I'm spoiled now.
+I've had my own way so long, I could not think of surrendering
+to petticoats, turning my house into a nursery, and
+turning my back on the joys, quiet and comforts of bachelorhood.
+No, no, Job Carson&mdash;matrimony be hanged.
+You'll none of it." And so ten years more passed&mdash;now
+age and luxury do their work.</p>
+
+<p>"O, that infernal twinge in my toe. <i>O</i>, there it is again&mdash;hang
+the goat, it can't be gout. Dr. Bleedem swears I'm
+getting the gout. Blockhead&mdash;none of my kith or kin ever
+had such an infernal complaint. O, ah-h-h, that infernal
+window must be sand-bagged, given me this pain in the
+back, and&mdash;Banquo! Where the deuce is that nigger&mdash;Banquo-o-o!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yis, massa, here I is," said a good-natured, fat, black
+and sleek-looking old darkey, poking his shining, grinning
+face into the old gentleman's study, sitting, playing or
+smoking room.</p>
+
+<p>"Here you are? Where? You black sarpint, come here;
+go to Jackplane, the carpenter, and tell him to come here
+and make my sashes tight, d'ye hear?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yis, massa, dem's 'em; I'se off."</p>
+
+<p>"No, you ain't&mdash;come here, Banquo, you woolly son of
+Congo, you; go open my liquor case, bring the brandy and
+some cool water. There, now clear yourself."</p>
+
+<p>"Yis, massa, I'se gone, dis time&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"No, you ain't, come back; go to old Joe Winepipes,
+and tell him I send my compliments to him, and if he wants
+to continue that game of chess, let him come over this
+afternoon, d'ye hear?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yis, massa, dem's 'em, I'se gone dis time&mdash;<i>shuah!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, away with you."</p>
+
+<p>Old Job Carson was yet a rugged looking old gentleman.
+He had survived nearly all his "blood, kith and kin;" his
+sister had paid the last debt of nature some months before,
+and in hopes of finding some one to fill her station, in his
+domestic concerns, his advertisement had appeared in the
+<i>Weekly Bulletin</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, me, it's no use crying about spilt milk," sighed the
+old gent over his glass. "I suppose I've been a fool; out-lived
+everybody, everything useful to me. Made a fortune
+<i>first</i>, nobody to spend it <i>last</i>. Yes, yes," continued the
+old man, in a thoughtful strain, "old Job Carson will soon
+slip off the handle; 'poor old devil,' some bloodsucker may
+say, as he grabs Job's worldly effects, 'he's gone, had a
+hard scrabble to get together these things, and now, we'll
+pick his bones.' Well, let 'em, let 'em; serves me right;
+ought to have known it before, but blast and rot 'em, if
+they only enjoy the pillage as much as I did the struggles
+to keep it together, why, a&mdash;it will be about an even thing
+with us, after all."</p>
+
+<p>"Yis, massa, here I is," chuckled Banquo, again putting
+his black bullet pate in at the door.</p>
+
+<p>"You are, eh? Well, clear yourself&mdash;no, come back; go
+down to Oatmeal's store, and tell him to let old Mrs.
+Dougherty, and the old blind man, and the sailor's wife,
+and&mdash;and&mdash;the rest of them, have their groceries, again,
+this week&mdash;only another week, mind, for I'm not going to
+support the whole neighborhood any longer&mdash;tell him so."</p>
+
+<p>"Yis, massa, I'se gone."</p>
+
+<p>"Wait, come here, Banquo; well, never mind&mdash;clear out."</p>
+
+<p>But Banquo returned in a moment, saying:</p>
+
+<p>"Dar's a lady at the doo-ah, sah; says she wants to see
+you, sah, 'bout 'ticlar business, sah."</p>
+
+<p>"Is, eh? Well, call her into the parlor, I'll be down&mdash;ah-h,
+that infernal <i>twinge</i> again, ah-h-h-h, ah-h! What a
+stupid ass a man is to hang around in this world until he's
+a nuisance to himself and every body else!" grunted old
+Job, as he groped his way down stairs, and into the parlor.</p>
+
+<p><a name='Pg_393' id='Pg_393'></a>"Good morning, ma'am," said he, as he confronted the
+widow, who, in the utmost taste of simple neatness, had
+arranged her spare dress, to meet the umpire of her future fate.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Glenn respectfully acknowledged the salutation, and
+at once opened her business to the bluff old man.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, yes; I'm a poor, unfortunate creature, ma'am; I'm
+nothing, nobody, any more. I want somebody to see that
+I'm not robbed, or poisoned, and that I may have a bed to
+lie upon, and a clean piece of linen to my back occasionally,
+and a&mdash;that's all I want, ma'am."</p>
+
+<p>The widow feigned to hope she knew the duties of a
+housekeeper, and situated as she was, it was a labor of love
+to work&mdash;toil, for those misfortune had placed in her charge.</p>
+
+<p>"Eh? what's that&mdash;haven't got <i>incumbrances</i>, have you, ma'am?"</p>
+
+<p>"I have three children, sir," meekly said the widow.</p>
+
+<p>"Three children?" gruffly responded the old gentleman;
+"ah, umph, what business have you, ma'am, with three children?"</p>
+
+<div class='image' id='illo006'>
+
+<img src='images/illo006.png'
+	alt='"Three children?" gruffly responded the old gentleman.'
+	title='"Three children?" gruffly responded the old gentleman.'
+/>
+
+<p class='caption'>"Three children?" gruffly responded the old gentleman.
+"Ah, umph, what business have you, ma'am, with three
+children?"&mdash;<a href='#Pg_393'><i>Page</i> 393</a>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>The widow, not apparently able to answer such a poser,
+the old gentleman continued:</p>
+
+<p>"Poor widows, poor people of any kind, have no business
+with <i>incumbrances</i>, ma'am; no excuse at all, ma'am,
+for 'em."</p>
+
+<p>"So, alas!" said Mrs. Glenn, "I find the world too&mdash;too
+much inclined to reason; but I shall trust to the mercy
+and providence of the Lord, if denied the kind feelings of mortals."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, yes, yes, that's it, ma'am; it's all very fine, ma'am;
+but too many poor, foolish creatures get themselves in a
+scrape, then depend upon the Lord to help 'em out. This
+shifting the responsibility to the shoulders of the Lord isn't
+right. I don't wonder the Lord shuts his ears to half he's
+asked to do, ma'am."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, sir, I thought I would <i>call</i>, though I feared my
+children would be an objection to&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, yes,&mdash;I don't want incumbrances, ma'am."</p>
+
+<p>"But I&mdash;I a&mdash;"&mdash;the widow's heart was too full for utterance;
+she moved towards the door. "Good morning, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"Stop, come back, ma'am, sit down; it's a pity&mdash;you've
+no business, ma'am, as I said before, to have incumbrances,
+when you haven't got any visible means of support. Now,
+if you only had one, one incumbrance&mdash;and that you'd no
+business to have"&mdash;said the old gent, doggedly, tapping an
+antique tortoise-shell snuff box, and applying "the pungent
+grains of titillating dust," as Pope observes, to his
+proboscis, "if you had only <i>one</i> incumbrance&mdash;but you've
+got a house full, ma'am."</p>
+
+<p>"No, sir, only three!" answered widow Glenn.</p>
+
+<p>"Three, only three? God bless me, ma'am, I wouldn't
+be a poor woman with two&mdash;no, with one incumbrance at
+my petticoat tails&mdash;for the biggest ship and cargo old Steve
+Girard ever owned, ma'am."</p>
+
+<p>"I might," meekly said the widow, "put my son with
+the printer, sir; he has offered to take my poor boy."</p>
+
+<p>"Two girls and a boy?" inquiringly asked the old gent,
+applying the dust, and manipulating his box. "How old?
+Eldest thirteen, eh?&mdash;boy eleven, and the youngest seven,
+eh?" and working a traverse, or solving some problematic
+point, Job Carson stuck his hands under his morning gown,
+and strode over the floor; after a few evolutions of the kind,
+he stopped&mdash;fumbled in a drawer of a secretary, and placing
+a ten dollar note in the widow's hand, he said:</p>
+
+<p>"There, ma'am; I don't know that I shall want you, but
+to-morrow morning, if you have time, from other and more
+important business, call in, bring your children with you;
+good morning, ma'am&mdash;Banquo!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yis, sah; I'se heah."</p>
+
+<p>"Show the lady out&mdash;good morning, ma'am, good morning."</p>
+
+<p>"I like that woman's looks," said old Job, continuing
+his walk; "she's plain and tidy; she's industrious, I'll warrant;
+if she only hadn't that raft of <i>incumbrances</i>; what
+do these people have incumbrances for, anyway?&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Lady at the doo-ah, sah," said Banquo.</p>
+
+<p>"Show her in. Good morning, ma'am; Banquo, a seat
+for the lady; yes, ma'am, I did; I want a housekeeper. I
+advertised for one. How many servants do I keep? Well,
+ma'am, I keep as many as I want. Have visitors? Of
+course I have. What and where are <i>my rooms</i>? Why,
+madam, I own the house, every brick and lath in it. I go
+to bed, and get up, and go round; come in and out, when I
+feel like it. What church do I worship in? I've assisted
+in <i>building</i> a number, own a half of one, and a third of
+several; but, ma'am, between you and I&mdash;I don't want to
+be rude to a lady, ma'am, but I <i>do</i> think, this examination
+ain't to my liking&mdash;you don't think the place would suit
+you, eh? Well, I think <i>your ladyship</i> wouldn't suit <i>me</i>,
+ma'am, so I'll bid your ladyship good morning," said old
+Job, bowing very obsequiously to the stiff-starched and
+acrimonious dame, who, returning the old gentleman's <i>bow</i>
+with the same "high pressure" order, seized her skirts in
+one hand, and agitating her fan with the other, she stepped
+out, or <i>finikined</i> along to the hall door, and as Banquo
+flew around, and put on the <i>extras</i> to let her ladyship out,
+she gave the darkey a pat on the head with her fan, and
+looking crab-apples at the poor negro, she rushed down the
+steps and disappeared.</p>
+
+<p>"Tank you, ma'am; come again, eb you please&mdash;of'n!"
+said the pouting negro.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sah; here's nudder lady, sah," says Banquo, ushering
+in a rather ruddy, jolly-looking and perfectly-at-home
+daughter of the "gim o' the sae." The old gentleman
+eyed her liberal proportions; consulting his snuff-box, he
+answered "yes" to the woman's inquiry, if <i>he</i> was the gintleman
+wanting the housekeeper.</p>
+
+<p>"Did you read my advertisement, ma'am?"</p>
+
+<p>"Me rade it? Not I, faix. Mr. Mullony, our landlord,
+was saying till us&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Are you married, too?"</p>
+
+<p>"Married <i>two</i>? Do I look like a woman as would marry
+two? No, <i>sur</i>; I'm a dacent woman, sur; my name is
+Hannah Geaughey, Jimmy Geaughey's my husband, sur;
+he, poor man, wrought in the board-yard till he was <i>sun
+sthruck</i>, by manes of falling from a cuart, sur."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, ma'am, that will do, I'm sorry for your husband&mdash;one
+dollar, there it is; you wouldn't suit me at all; good
+morning, ma'am. Banquo, show the good woman to the door."</p>
+
+<p>"But, sur, I want the place!"</p>
+
+<p>"I don't want <i>you</i>&mdash;good morning."</p>
+
+<p>"Dis way, ma'am," said Banquo, marshalling the woman
+to the hall.</p>
+
+<p>"Stand away, ye nager; it's your masther I'm spakin' wid."</p>
+
+<p>"Go along, go along, woman, go, go, <i>go!</i>" roared the
+old gent.</p>
+
+<p>"But, as I was saying, Mr. Mullony said&mdash;says he&mdash;who
+the divil you push'n, you black nager?" said the woman,
+grabbing Banquo's woolly top-knot.</p>
+
+<p>"Dis way, ma'am," persevered Banquo, quartering towards
+the door.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Mullony was sayin', sur&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Dis way, ma'am," continued the darkey, crowding Mrs.
+Geaughey, while his master was gesticulating furiously to
+keep on <i>crowding</i> her. Finally, Banquo vanquished the
+Irish woman, and received orders from his master to admit
+no more applicants&mdash;the place was filled.
+</p><p>
+That afternoon, old Captain Winepipes&mdash;a retired merchant
+and ship-master, an old bachelor, too, who was in the
+habit of exchanging visits with Job Carson, sipping brandy
+and water, talking over old times and playing chess&mdash;came
+to finish a litigated game, and Job and he discussed the
+matter of taking care of the widow and children of the
+dead ship-builder. At length, it was settled that, if the
+second interview with the widow, and an exhibition of her
+children, proved satisfactory to Job Carson, he should take
+them in; if found more than Job could attend to&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Why a&mdash;I'll go you halves, Job," said Captain Winepipes.</p>
+
+<p>Next day, Widow Glenn and her pretty children appeared
+at the door of Carson's mansion; and Banquo, full
+of pleasant anticipations, ushered them into the retired
+merchant's presence.</p>
+
+<p>It was evident, at the first glance the old gentleman gave
+the group, that the battle was more than half won.</p>
+
+<p>"Fine boy, that; come here, sir&mdash;eleven years of age,
+eh? Your name's Martin&mdash;Martin Glenn, eh? Well,
+Martin, my lad, you've got a big world before you&mdash;a fussing,
+fuming world, not worth finding out, not worth the
+powder that would blow it up. You've got to take your
+position in the ranks, too, mean and contemptible as they
+are; but you may make a good man; if the world don't
+benefit you, why a&mdash;you can benefit it; that's the way I've
+done&mdash;been obliged to do it, ain't sorry for it, neither,"
+said the old man, with evident emotion.</p>
+
+<p>"Your name is Cynthia, eh? And you are a fine grown
+girl for your age, surely. Cynthia, you'll soon be capable
+of 'keeping house,' too; you've got a world before you,
+too, my dear; a wicked, scandalous world; a world full of
+deceit and <i>misery</i>&mdash;look at your mother, look at me! Ah,
+well, it's all our own fault; yours, madam, for having these&mdash;these
+<i>incumbrances</i>, and mine, poor devil&mdash;for not having
+'em. Cynthia, you're a fine girl; a good girl, I know.
+Ah, here's mamma's pet, I suppose; Rose Glenn, very
+pretty name, pretty girl, too, very pretty. Lips and cheeks
+like cherries, eyes brighter than Brazil diamonds. Ma'am,
+you've got great treasures here; a man must be a stupid ass
+to call these <i>incumbrances</i>. They are jewels of inestimable
+value. What's my filthy bank accounts, dollars and cents,
+houses, goods and chattels, that fire may destroy, and
+thieves steal&mdash;to these blessings that&mdash;that God has given
+the lone widow to strengthen her&mdash;cheer her in the dark
+path of life? God is great, generous, and just; I see it
+now, plainer than I ever did before. Banquo!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yis'r, I'se here, massa."</p>
+
+<p>"Go tell Counsellor Prime to call on me immediately;
+tell Captain Winepipes to come over&mdash;I want to see him.
+I'm going to make a fool of myself, I believe."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sah, I'se gone; gorry, I <ins title="gues">guess</ins> dere's suffin gwoin to
+happen to dat lady and dem chil'ns&mdash;shuah!" said Banquo,
+rushing out of the house.</p>
+
+<p>The fate of the ship-builder's family was fixed. Job
+Carson proposed&mdash;and the widow, of course, consented&mdash;that
+Martin Glenn should become the adopted son of the old
+gentleman, Job Carson; and that he should choose a trade
+or profession, which he should then, or later, learn, making
+the old gentleman's house as much his home as circumstances
+would permit; the two girls were to remain under
+the same roof with the mother, who was at once installed as
+housekeeper for the bluff and generous old gentleman.</p>
+
+<p>Old Captain Winepipes insisted on a share in the settlement,
+to wit: that both girls should be educated at his expense,
+which was finally acceded to, adding, that in case
+he&mdash;Captain Joseph Winepipes&mdash;should live to see Rose
+Glenn a bride, he should provide for her wedding, and give
+her a dowry.</p>
+
+<p>"Set that down in black and white, Mr. Prime," said
+Job, "and that I, Job Carson, do agree, should I live to
+see Cynthia Glenn a wife, to give her a comfortable start
+in the world&mdash;set that down, for I will do it, yes, I will,"
+said the old gent, with an emphatic rap on his snuff-box.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Ten years passed away; Captain Winepipes has paid the
+debt of nature; he did not live to see Rose Glenn a wife;
+but, nevertheless, he left a clause in his will, that fully carried
+out his expressed intentions when Rose did marry,
+some two years after she arrived at the age of sweet seventeen.
+Martin Glenn Carson graduated in the printing
+office, and very recently filled one of the most important
+stations in the judiciary of Illinois, as well as a chivalrous
+part in the recent war with Mexico. Cynthia was wedded
+to a well known member of the Philadelphia bar, an event
+that Job Carson barely lived to see, and, as he agreed to,
+donated a sum, quite munificent, towards making things
+agreeable in the progress of her married life. Widow Glenn
+remained a faithful servant and friend to the old merchant,
+and, upon his death, she became heir to the family mansion,
+and means to keep it up at the usual bountiful rate. Large
+bequests were made in Job Carson's will, to charitable institutes,
+but the bulk of his fortune fell to his adopted son,
+Martin, who proved not unworthy of his good fortune.
+Banquo ended his days in the service of the widow, who
+had cause for and took pleasure in blessing the vehicle that
+conveyed to herself and orphans their rare good fortune, in
+guise of a <span class="smcap">newspaper advertisement</span>.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Fortune-Hunters_Life" id="Fortune-Hunters_Life"></a>Incidents in a Fortune-Hunter's Life.</h2>
+
+
+<p>We do not now recollect what philosopher it was
+who said, "it's no disgrace to be poor, but it's
+often confoundedly unhandy!" But, we have little or no
+sympathy for poor folks, who, ashamed of their poverty,
+make as many and tortuous writhings to escape its inconveniences,
+as though it was "against the law" to be poor.
+It is the cause of incalculable human misery, to <i>seem</i> what
+we are <i>not</i>; to appear beyond <i>want</i>&mdash;yea, even in affluence
+and comfort, when the belly is robbed to clothe the back&mdash;the
+inner man crucified to make the outside <i>lie</i> you through
+the world, or into&mdash;genteel "society." This, though abominable,
+is common, and leads to innumerable ups and downs,
+crime and fun, in this old world that we temporarily inhabit.</p>
+
+<p>Choosing rather to give our life pictures a familiar and
+diverting&mdash;and certainly none the less instructive garb&mdash;than
+to hunt up misery, and depict the <ins title="woful">woeful</ins> tragics of our
+existence, we will give the facts of a case&mdash;not uncommon,
+we ween, either, that came to us from a friend of one of the parties.</p>
+
+<p>In most cities&mdash;especially, perhaps, in Baltimore and
+Washington, are any quantity of decayed families; widows
+and orphans of men&mdash;who, while blessed with oxygen and
+hydrogen sufficient to keep them healthy and active&mdash;held
+offices, or such positions in the business world as enabled
+them and their families to carry pretty stiff necks, high
+heads, and go into what is called "good society;" meaning
+of course where good furniture garnishes good finished <ins title="domicils">domiciles</ins>,
+good carpets, good rents, good dinners, and where good
+clothes are exhibited&mdash;but where good intentions, good
+manners and morals are mostly of no great importance. As, in
+most all such cases, when, by some fortuitous accident,
+the head of the family collapses, or dies,&mdash;the reckless regard
+for society having led to the squandering of the income,
+fast or faster than it came, the poor family is driven
+by the same society, so coveted, to hide away&mdash;move off,
+and by a thousand dodges of which wounded pride is capable,
+work their way through the world, under tissues of
+false pretences; at once ludicrous and pitiable. Such a
+family we have in view. Colonel Somebody held a lucrative
+office under government, in the city of Washington.
+Colonel Somebody, one day, very unexpectedly, died.
+There was nothing mysterious in that, but the Somebodies
+having always cut quite a swell in the "society" of the capital&mdash;which
+society, let us tell you, is of the most fluctuating,
+tin-foil and ephemeral character; it was by some considered
+strange, that as soon as Colonel Somebody had been
+decently buried in his grave, his family at once made a sale
+of their most expensive furniture&mdash;the horses, carriage, and
+man-servant disappeared, and the Somebodies apprized
+society that they were going north, to reside upon an estate
+of the Colonel's in New York. And so they vanished.
+Whither they went or how they fared society did not know,
+and society did not care!</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Somebody had two daughters and a son, the eldest
+twenty-three, <i>confessedly</i>, and the youngest, the son, seventeen.
+Marriages, in such society, floating and changing as it
+does in Washington, are not frequent, and less happy or prosperous
+when effected; every body, inclined to become acquainted,
+or form matrimonial connections, are ever on the
+alert for something or somebody better than themselves; and
+under such circumstances, naturally enough, Miss Alice
+Somebody&mdash;though a pretty girl&mdash;talented, as the world goes,
+highly educated, too, as many hundreds beside her, was still
+a spinster at twenty-three. The fact was, Mrs. Somebody
+was a woman of experience in the world&mdash;indeed, a dozen
+years' experience in life at Washington, had given her very
+definite ideas of expediency and diplomacy; and hence, as
+the means were cut off to live in their usual style and
+expensiveness&mdash;Mrs. Somebody packed up and retired to
+Baltimore. The son soon found an occupation in a store&mdash;the
+daughter, being a woman of taste and education, resorted
+to&mdash;as a matter of <i>diversion</i>&mdash;they could not think
+of earning a living, of course!&mdash;the needle&mdash;while Mrs.
+Somebody arranged a pair of neat apartments, for two
+"gentlemen of unexceptionable reference," as boarders.</p>
+
+<p>During their palmy days at the capital of the nation,
+Miss Alice Somebody came in contact with a young gentleman
+named Rhapsody,&mdash;of pleasant and respectable
+demeanor, <i>an office-holder</i>, but not high up enough to suit
+the tastes and aims of Colonel Somebody and his lady;
+and so, our friend Rhapsody stood little or no chance for
+favor or preferment in the graces of Miss Alice, though he
+was a recognized visitor at the Colonel's house, and essayed
+to make an impression upon the heart's affections of the
+Colonel's daughter.</p>
+
+<p>Time fled, and with its fleetings came those changes in
+the fates and fortunes of the Somebodies, we have noted.
+Nor was our friend Rhapsody without his changes,&mdash;mutations
+of fortune, a change of government, made changes.
+Rhapsody one morning was not as much surprised as mortified
+to find his "services no longer required," as a new
+hand was awaiting his withdrawal. Rhapsody, true to
+custom at the capital&mdash;lived up to and ahead of his salary;
+and, when deposed, deemed it prudent to make his exit
+from a spot no longer likely to be favorable to the self-respect
+or personal comfort of a man bereft of power, and
+without patronage or position. Rhapsody, by trade (luckily
+he had a trade), was a boot-maker. Start not, reader, at
+the idea; we know "shoemaker" may have a tendency to
+shock some people, whose moral and mental culture has
+been sadly neglected, or quite perverted; but Rhapsody
+was but a boot-maker, and no doubt quite as gentlemanly&mdash;physically
+and mentally considered, as the many thousands
+who merely <i>wear</i> boots, for the luxury of which they are
+indebted to the skill, labor and industry of others. Rhapsody
+came down gracefully, and quite as manfully, to his
+level, only changing the scene of his endeavors to the city
+of monuments. Rhapsody had feelings&mdash;pride. He sought
+obscurity, in which he might perform the necessary labors
+of his craft, to enable him to keep his head above water,
+and await that tide in the affairs of men, when perhaps he
+might again be drifted to fortune and favor.</p>
+
+<p>Rhapsody took lodgings in a respectable hotel; he arose
+late&mdash;took breakfast, read the news&mdash;smoked&mdash;lounged&mdash;dressed,
+and went through the ordinary evolutions of a gentleman
+of leisure, until he dined at 3 P. M.; then, by a
+circuitous way, he proceeded to his shop&mdash;put on his working
+attire, and went at it faithfully, until midnight, when,
+having accomplished his maximum of toil, he re-dressed&mdash;walked
+to his hotel&mdash;talked politics&mdash;fashions, etc., took his
+glass of wine with a friend, and very quietly retired; to
+rise on the morrow, and go through the same routine from
+day to day, only varying it a little by an eye to an eligible
+marriage, or a place.</p>
+
+<p>Rhapsody&mdash;we must give him the credit of the fact&mdash;from
+no mawkish feeling of his own, but from force of
+public opinion, resorted to this secret manner of eking out
+his daily bread, and acting out his part of the fictitious
+gentleman. During one of his morning lounges&mdash;accidentally,
+Rhapsody met Miss Somebody in the street. They
+had not met for some few years, and it may not be troublesome
+to conceive, that Miss Alice&mdash;under the new order
+of things&mdash;was more pleased than otherwise to renew the
+acquaintance of other days, with a gentleman still supposed
+to be&mdash;and his attire and manner surely gave no sign of an
+altered state of affairs&mdash;in a position recognizable by society.</p>
+
+<p>Rhapsody renewed his attentions to the Somebody family,
+and Miss Alice in particular&mdash;with fervor. He admitted
+himself no longer an <i>attache</i> of government, but
+offset the deprivation of government patronage, by asserting
+that he was graduating for a higher sphere in life than
+the drudgery and abjectness of a clerkship&mdash;he was studying
+political economy, and the learned profession of the law!</p>
+
+<p>The Somebodies were <i>game</i>; not a concession would
+they make to stern indigence; it was merely for the sake
+of quietude, said Mrs. Somebody, and the solace of retirement
+from the gay and tempestuous whirls of society, that
+<i>we</i> changed the scene and dropped a peg lower in domestic
+show. Rhapsody believed Colonel Somebody a man of
+substance. He knew how easy it was to account for the
+expenditure of fifteen hundred dollars a year, but it did not
+so readily appear possible for a man holding the Colonel's
+place and perquisites, some thousands a year, to die poor,
+without estate; ergo, the Somebodies were still, doubtless,
+<i>somebody</i>, and the more the infatuated Rhapsody dwelt
+upon it, the more he absorbed the idea of forming an
+alliance with the dead Colonel's family. And the favor
+with which he was received seemed to facilitate matters as
+desirably as could be wished for. What airy castles, or
+gossamer projects may have haunted the fancy of our sanguine
+friend, Rhapsody, we know not; but that he whacked
+away more cheerily at his trade, and kept up his appearances
+spiritedly, was evident enough. An expert and
+artistic craftsman, he secured paying work, and executed it
+to the satisfaction of his employers.</p>
+
+<p>The industry of the Somebodies was one of the traits in
+the characters of the two young women, particularly
+commendatory to Rhapsody; he seldom paid them a morning
+or afternoon call, that they were not diligently engaged
+with needles and Berlin wool&mdash;fashioning wrought suspenders
+for brother, slippers for brother, or mother, or sister,
+or the Rev. Mr. So-and-So&mdash;the recently made inmate of
+the family. The multiplicity of such performances, for
+brother, mother, sister, the reverend gentleman&mdash;<i>mere pastime</i>,
+as Mrs. Somebody would remark,&mdash;most probably
+would have caused a mystery or misgiving in the minds of
+many adventurous <i>Lotharios</i>; but Rhapsody, though, as
+we see, a man of the world, had something yet to learn of
+society and its complexities. Things progressed smoothly&mdash;the
+reverend gentleman facetiously cajoled Miss Alice
+and the mother upon the issue of coming events&mdash;the lively
+young lawyer, etc., etc.,&mdash;and it seemed to be a settled matter
+that Miss Alice was to be the bride of Mr. Rhapsody
+at last.</p>
+
+<p>Rhapsody, usually, after dark, in the evening, in his
+laboring garments, made his return of work and received
+more. Whilst thus out, one evening, on business, in making
+a sudden turn of a corner, he came plump upon Mrs.
+Somebody and Alice! Rhapsody would have dashed down
+a cellar&mdash;into a shop&mdash;up an alley, or sunk through the
+footwalk, had any such opportunity offered, but there was
+none&mdash;he was there&mdash;beneath the flame of a street lamp,
+with the eagle eyes of all the party upon him! Cut off
+from retreat, he boldly faced the enemy!</p>
+
+<p>He was going to a political caucus meeting in a noisy
+and turbulent ward&mdash;apprehended a disturbance&mdash;donned
+those shady habiliments, and the large green bag in his
+hand, that a&mdash;well, though it did not seem to contain such
+goods, was supposed, for the nonce, to contain his books
+and papers; documents he was likely to have use for at the
+caucus! Rhapsody got through&mdash;it was a tight shave; he
+dexterously declined accompanying the ladies home&mdash;they
+were rather queerly attired themselves, it occurred to Rhapsody;
+they made some excuse for their appearance, and so
+the maskers <i>quit, even</i>. Time passed on&mdash;Alice and Rhapsody
+had almost climaxed the preparatory negotiations of
+an hymenial conclusion, when another <i>contretemps</i> came
+to pass&mdash;it was the grand finale.</p>
+
+<p>It was on a rather blustery night, that Rhapsody, in
+haste, sought the shop of his employer; he had work in
+hand which, being ordered done at a certain hour, for an
+anxious customer, he was in haste to deliver. His green
+bag under his arm, in rushed Rhapsody,&mdash;the servant of
+the customer was awaiting the arrival of the <i>bottier</i> and his
+master's boots. The shopman eagerly seized Rhapsody's
+verdant-colored satchel, and out came the boots, and which
+underwent many critical inspections, eliciting sundry professional
+remarks from the shopman, to our hero, Rhapsody,
+who, in his business matters had assumed, it appeared, the
+more humble name of <i>Mr. Jones</i>, in the shop. The customer's
+servant stood by the counter&mdash;fencing off a lady,
+further on&mdash;from immediate notice of Rhapsody. A side
+glance revealed sundry patterns or specimens of most elegantly-wrought
+slippers&mdash;the boss of the shop, and the
+lady, were apparently negotiating a trade, in these embroidered
+articles; the lady, now but a few feet from Rhapsody
+and the garrulous shopman, turned toward the poor
+fellow just as the shopman had stuffed more work into the
+green bag&mdash;their eyes met. Rhapsody felt an all-overish
+sensation peculiar to that experienced by an amateur in a
+shower bath, during his first <i>douse</i>, or the incipient criminal
+detected in his initiatory crime! Poor Rhapsody felt like
+fainting, while Miss Alice Somebody, without the nerve to
+gather up her work, or withstand a further test of the force
+of circumstances, precipitately left the store, her face red
+as scarlet, and her demeanor wild and incomprehensible, at
+least to all but Rhapsody.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Rhapsody was at breakfast the next morning&mdash;a servant
+announced a gentleman in the parlor desirous of an interview
+with Mr. Rhapsody&mdash;it was granted, and soon <i>Jones</i>,
+the <i>boot-maker</i>, confronted the Rev. Mr. So-and-So. Though
+an inclination to <i>smile</i> played about the pleasant features
+of the reverend gentleman, he assumed to be severe upon
+what he called the duplicity of Mr. Rhapsody; and that
+gentleman patiently hearing the story out, quietly asked:</p>
+
+<p>"Are you, sir, here as an accuser&mdash;denouncer, or an
+ambassador of peace and good will?"</p>
+
+<p>"The latter, sir, is my self-constituted mission," said the
+reverend gentleman.</p>
+
+<p>"Then," said Rhapsody, "I am ready to make all necessary
+concessions&mdash;a clean breast of it, you may say. I am
+in a false position&mdash;struggling against public opinion&mdash;false
+pride&mdash;falsely, and yet honestly, working my way
+through the world. I am no more nor less, nominally,
+than <i>Jones, the boot-maker</i>. Now," continued Rhapsody,
+"if a false purpose covers not a false heart also, I can yet
+be happy in the affections of Miss Somebody, and she in
+mine. For those who can battle as we have, against the
+common chances of indigence, upright and alone in our integrity,
+may surely yet win greater rewards by mutual consolation
+and support, our fortunes joined."</p>
+
+<p>"I have not been mistaken, then, sir," said the reverend
+gentleman, "in your character, if I was in your occupation;
+and you may rely upon my friendly service in an amicable
+and definite arrangement of this very delicate matter."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>When General Harrison took the "chair of state," our
+friend Rhapsody was reinstated in his place, occupied years
+before, and by fortuitous circumstances he got still higher&mdash;an
+appointment of trust connected with a handsome salary;
+so that Jones, the boot-maker, was enabled to re-enter the
+Somebodies into the gay and fluctuating society at the
+national capital, from which they had been so unceremoniously
+driven by the death of the husband and father. Mrs.
+Somebody, that was, however, is now a much older and
+much wiser person, the wife of our ministerial friend, who
+vouches the difficulty he had in overcoming Mrs. Somebody's
+repugnance to leather&mdash;and for sundry quibbles&mdash;yea,
+strong arguments against any blood of hers ever uniting
+with the fates and fortunes of a boot-maker; with what
+<i>propriety</i>, her experience has long since taught her. Alice
+is the happiest of women, mother of many fine children,
+the wife of a man poverty could not corrupt, if public
+opinion forced him to mask the means that gave him bread.
+Rhapsody is no longer a politician, or office-holder, but engaged
+in lucrative pursuits that yield comfort and position
+in society. To relate the trials, courtship and marriage of
+"Jones, the boot-maker," is one of our friend Rhapsody's
+standing jokes, to friends at the fireside and dinner table;
+but that such a safe and happy tableau would again befall
+parties so circumstanced, is a very material question; and
+the moral of our story, being rather complex, though very
+definite, we leave to society, and you, reader, to determine.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="with_a_Difference" id="with_a_Difference"></a>A Distinction with a Difference.</h2>
+
+
+<p>A gentleman from "out 'town," came into Redding &amp;
+Co.'s on Christmas day, and leaning thoughtfully over the
+counter, says he to Prescott, "Got any Psalms here?"</p>
+
+<p>"N-n-no," says Prescott, reflectingly, "but," he continued,
+after a moment's pause, and handing down a copy of
+Hood, "here's plenty of old Joe's!"</p>
+
+<p>The out-of-town gentleman gave a glance at <i>the pictures</i>,
+and with a countenance indicative of having been tasting a
+crab-apple&mdash;left!</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Pills_and_Persimmons" id="Pills_and_Persimmons"></a>Pills and Persimmons.</h2>
+
+
+<p>I remember an old "Joke" told me by my father, of
+an old, and rather addle-headed gentleman, who some
+fifty years ago did business in New Castle, Delaware, and
+having occasion to send out to England for hardware, wrote
+his order, and as he was about to despatch it to the captain
+of the ship, lying in the stream, ready for sea, a neighbor
+got him to add an order for some kegs of nails, and in the
+hurry, the old man dashed off his <i>P. S.</i>, but upon attempting
+to read the whole order over, he couldn't make head or
+tail of it.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," says he, in a flurry, "I'll send it, just as it is;
+they are better scholars in England than I am&mdash;<i>they'll make
+it out</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Strange enough to say, when the hardware came over,
+among the rest of the stuff were the so many kegs of nails,
+but upon opening one of these kegs, it was full, or nearly so,
+of <ins title="Amercian">American</ins> quarter dollars. The old man roared out in a
+[word missing].</p>
+
+<p>"Haw! haw! haw! Well, blast me," says he, "if <i>they</i>
+ain't scholars, fust-rate scholars, in England; <i>it's worth
+while sending 'em bad manuscript</i>."</p>
+
+<p>A still more comical mistake is related to us, of a commercial
+transaction that actually took place within a year
+or two, between parties severally situated in Boston and
+the city of San Francisco, California. As we consider the
+whole transaction rather <i>rich</i>, we transcribe it for the
+diversion it may furnish.</p>
+
+<p>Simmons, the "Oak Hall" man, of Boston, had set up a
+shop in San Francisco, to which he was almost daily sending
+all sorts of cheap clothing, and making, on the same,
+more money than a horse could pull; and in his package,
+he was in the habit of sending articles for friends, &amp;c. A
+gentleman recently gone to the gold country, from Boston,
+acquainted with Simmons, and Simmons with him, found,
+upon looking around San Francisco, that his own business,
+<i>lawing</i>, wasn't worth two cents, as many of his craft were
+turning their attention to matters more useful to the human
+family&mdash;digging cellars, wheeling baggage, driving teams,
+&amp;c. So lawyer Bunker <i>turned</i> his attention from Blackstone,
+Chitty, Coke on Littleton, and those fellows of deep-red,
+blue-black law, to the manufacture of quack nostrums.
+Bunker found that the great appetite we Yankees have for
+quack medicines, pills and powders, suffered no diminution
+in the gold country; on the contrary, the appetite became
+rather sharpened for those luxuries, and Bunker found that
+a New York butcher, with whom he became acquainted,
+was absolutely making his fortune, by the manufacture of
+dough pills, spiced with coriander, and a slight tincture of calomel.</p>
+
+<p>"Egad!" says Bunker, "<i>I'll</i> go into medicine. I'll write
+to a friend in Boston, to send me <i>out</i> a few medicine and
+receipt books, and a lot of pulverized liquorice, quinine,
+&amp;c., with a pill machine, and I guess I'll be after my New
+York butchering friend in a double brace of shakes."</p>
+
+<p>Now, it may be premised that as Bunker was a lawyer, he
+wrote a first-rate hand; in fact, he might have bragged of
+being able to equal, if not surpass, the "Hon." Rufus
+Choate, whose scrawl more resembles the scratchings of a
+poor half-drowned in an ink-saucer spider, meandering over
+foolscap, than quill-driving, and as unintelligible as the
+marks of a tea-box or hieroglyphics on the sarcophagus of
+ye ancient Egyptians! In short, Counsellor Bunker's manuscript
+was awful; a few of his most intimate friends, only,
+pretending to have the hang of it at all; and to one of these
+friends, Bunker directs his message, transmits it by Uncle
+Sam's mail <i>poche</i>, and in fever heat he awaits the return
+of the precious combustibles that were to make his fortune.
+In course of time, Bunker's friends receive the order, but,
+alas! it was all Greek to them; they cyphered in vain, to
+make out any thing in the letters except <i>persimmons</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"What the deuce," says one of Bunker's friends, "does
+Joe want with persimmons?"</p>
+
+<p>They went at it again, and again, but there was no mistaking
+the final sentence, "<i>send, without delay, persimmons</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"Persimmons?" said one.</p>
+
+<p>"Persimmons?" echoed another.</p>
+
+<p>"Persimmons? What in thunder does Joe Bunker want
+with <i>persimmons</i>?" responded a third.</p>
+
+<p>"Persimmons!" all three chimed.</p>
+
+<p>"Persimmons," says one, "are not used in law proceedings, anyhow."</p>
+
+<p>"Nor in gospel, even, provided Joe has got into that,"
+responded another.</p>
+
+<p>"Persimmons are not medicinal."</p>
+
+<p>"They are not chemical."</p>
+
+<p>"Persimmons are no part, or ingredient, in art, science,
+law, or religion; now, for what does Joe Bunker, counsellor
+at law, want us to forward, without delay, <i>persimmons</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>Well, they couldn't tell; in vain they reasoned. Joe's
+letter was very brief, strictly to the point, and that point
+was&mdash;<i>persimmons!</i> In the first place, it is not everybody
+that knows exactly what persimmons are, where they come
+from, and what they are good for. One of Bunker's friends
+had lived in the South; he knew persimmons; it occurred
+to him that possums, and some human beings, especially the
+colored pop'lation, were the only critters particularly fond of
+the fruit. Webster was consulted, to see what light he cast
+upon the matter: he informed them that "<i>Persimmon</i> was
+a tree, and its fruit, a species of <i>Diospyros</i>, a native of the
+States south of New York. Fruit like a plum, and when
+not ripe, very hard and astringent (rather so), but when ripe,
+luscious and highly nutritious."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, there," said one of Bunker's friends, "I'll bet
+Joe's sick; persimmons have been prescribed for his cure,
+and the sooner we send the persimmons the better!"</p>
+
+<p>"Persimmons! Now I come to think of it," says the
+man who had a faint idea of what persimmons were, "they
+make beer, first-rate beer of persimmons, in the South, and
+it's my opinion, that Joe Bunker is going into persimmon
+beer business; as you say, he <i>may be</i> sick&mdash;persimmon beer
+may be the California cure-all; in either case, let us forward
+the persimmons without delay!"</p>
+
+<p>Now persimmons never ripen until <i>touched</i> pretty smartly
+with Jack Frost. This was in September; persimmons
+were mostly full grown, but not ripe. A large keg of them
+was ordered from Jersey, and as fast as Adams &amp; Co.'s
+great Express to San Francisco could take them out, <i>the
+persimmons went!</i></p>
+
+<p>Counsellor Bunker, relying upon his friends to forward
+without delay the tools and remedial agents to make his
+fortune in the pill business, went to work, got him an office,
+changed his name, and added an M. D. to it, had a sign
+painted, advertised his shop, and informed the public that
+on such a time he would open, and guarantee to cure all
+ills, from <ins title="lubago">lumbago</ins> to liver complaint, from toothache to lock-jaw,
+spring fever to yaller janders, and in his enthusiasm,
+he sat down with a ream of paper, to count up the profits,
+and calculate the time it would take to get his pile of gold
+dust and start for home.</p>
+
+<p>The day arrived that Doctor Phlebotonizem was to open,
+and he found customers began to <i>call</i>, and sure enough, in
+comes a large keg, direct through from the States, to his
+address; the freight bill on it was pretty considerable, but
+Joe out and paid it, rejoicing to think that now he was all
+right, and that if the proprietors of gold dust and the lumbago,
+or any of the various ills set forth in his catalogue of
+human woes, had spare change, he would soon find them out.
+He closed his door, opened his cask&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"What in the name of everlasting sin and misery is this?"
+was the first <i>burst</i>, upon feeling the fine saw dust, and
+seeing, nicely packed, the green and purple, round and
+glossy&mdash;he couldn't tell what.</p>
+
+<p>"Pills? No, good gracious, they can't be <i>pills</i>&mdash;smell
+queer&mdash;some mistake&mdash;can't be any mistake&mdash;my name on
+the cask&mdash;(tastes one of the 'article')&mdash;O! by thunder!
+(tastes again)&mdash;I'm blasted, they (tastes again) are, by Jove,
+<i>persimmons!</i> Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ho! ho! he! he!
+ha! ha! ha!"</p>
+
+<p>And the ex-counsellor of modern law roared until he grew
+livid in the face.</p>
+
+<p>"I see&mdash;ha! ha! I see; they have misunderstood every
+line I wrote them, except the last, and that&mdash;ha! ha! ha!&mdash;for
+my direction to send out my stuff <i>per Simmons</i>, they
+send me <span class="smcap">persimmons</span>! Ha! ha! ha! ho! ho!"</p>
+
+<p>But, after enjoying the <i>fun</i> of the matter, ex-counsellor
+Bunker discovered the thing was nothing to laugh at;
+<i>patients</i> were at the door&mdash;if he did not soon prescribe for
+their cases, his now numerous creditors would prescribe for
+him! What was to be done? Very dull and prosy people
+often become enterprising and imaginative, to a wonderful
+degree, when put to their trumps. This philosophical fact
+applied to ex-counsellor Bunker's case exactly. He was
+there to better his fortune, and he felt bound to do it, persimmons
+or no persimmons. It occurred to him, as those
+infernal persimmons had cost him something, they ought
+to <i>bring in</i> something. By the aid of starch and sugar,
+Doctor Phlebotonizem converted some hundreds of the
+smallest persimmons into <i>pills</i>&mdash;sugar-coated pills&mdash;warranted
+to cure about all the ills flesh was heir to, at
+$2 each dose. One generally constituted a dose for a full-grown
+person, and as the patient left with a countenance
+much "puckered up," and rarely returned, the <i><ins title="psuedo">pseudo</ins></i>
+M. D. concluded there was virtue in persimmon pills, and so,
+after disposing of his stock to first-rate advantage, the
+doctor paid off his bills; tired of the pill trade, he <i>vamosed
+the ranche</i> with about funds enough to reach home, and
+explain to his friends the difference between <i>per</i> Simmons
+and <i>persimmons!</i></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="a_City_Editor" id="a_City_Editor"></a>Mysteries and Miseries of the Life of a City Editor.</h2>
+
+
+<p>A great deal has been written, to show that the literary
+business is a very disagreeable business; and that branch
+of it coming under the "Editorial" head is about as comfortable
+as the bed of Procustes would be to an invalid. It
+may doubtless look and sound well, to see one's name in
+print, going the rounds, especially at the head of the editorial
+columns, from ten to fifty thousand eyes and tongues
+scanning and pronouncing it every day, or week&mdash;hundreds
+and thousands of the fair sex wondering whether he is a
+young or an old man, a married man or a bachelor; while
+the pious and devout are contemplating the serious of
+his emanations, and conjecturing whether he be a Methodist,
+Puseyite, or Catholic, a Presbyterian, Unitarian or
+Baptist; and the politicians scanning his views, to discover
+whether he <i>leans</i> toward the <i>Locofocos, Free-Soilers, or
+Whigs</i>&mdash;all being necessarily much mystified, inasmuch as
+the neutral writer, or editor, is obliged to study, and most
+vigilantly to act, the part of a cunning diplomatist&mdash;stroke
+every body's hair with the <i>grain!</i></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Tribulations_of_Incivility" id="Tribulations_of_Incivility"></a>The Tribulations of Incivility.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"A gentleman by the name of Collins stopping with you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Collins?" was the response.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, Collins, or Collings, I ain't sure which," said the
+hardy-looking, bronzed seaman, to the gaily-dressed,
+flippant-mannered, be-whiskered man of vast importance, presiding
+over the affairs of one of our "first-class hotels."</p>
+
+<p>"Very indefinite inquiry, then," said the hotel manager.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, I brought this small package from Bremen for a
+gentleman who came out passenger with us some time ago;
+he left it in Bremen&mdash;wanted me to fetch it out when the
+ship returned&mdash;here it is."</p>
+
+<p>"What do you want to leave it here for? We know
+nothing about the man, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"You don't? Well, you ought to, for the gentleman put
+up here, and told me he'd be around when we got into port
+again. He was a deuced clever fellow, and you ought to
+have kept the reckoning of such a man," said the seaman.</p>
+
+<p>"Ha, ha! we keep so many clever fellows," said he of
+the hotel, "that they are no novelties, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"I wonder then," said the seaman, "you do not imitate
+some of them, for there's no danger of the world's getting
+crowded with a crew of good men."</p>
+
+<p>"If you have any business with us we shall attend to it,
+sir, but we want none of your impertinence!"</p>
+
+<p>"O, you don't? Well, Mister, I've business aboard of
+your craft; if you're the commodore, I'd like you to see that
+my friend Collins is piped up, or that this package be stowed
+away where he could come afoul of it. His name is Collins;
+here it is in black and white, on the parcel, and here's
+where I was to drop it."</p>
+
+<p>One of the "understrappers" overhearing the dispute,
+whispered his dignified superior that Mr. Collins, an English
+gentleman, late from Bremen, was in the house, whereupon
+the dignified empressario, turning to the self-possessed man
+of the sea, said&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Ah, well, leave the parcel, leave the parcel; we <i>suppose</i>
+it's correct."</p>
+
+<p>"There it is," said the seaman; "commodore, you see
+that the gentleman gets it; and I say," says the sailor,
+pushing back his hat and giving his breeches a regular
+sailor twitch, "I wish you'd please to say to the gentleman,
+Mr. Collins, you know, that Mr. Brace, first officer of the
+Triton, would like to see him aboard, any time he's at leisure."</p>
+
+<p>But in the multiplicity of greater affairs, the hotel gentleman
+hardly attempted to listen or attend to the sailor's
+message, and Mr. Brace, first officer of the Triton, bore
+away, muttering to himself&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"These land-crabs mighty apt to put on airs. I'd like
+to have that powder monkey in my watch about a week&mdash;I'd
+have him down by the lifts and braces!"</p>
+
+<p>Let us suppose it to be in the glorious month of October,
+when the myriads of travellers by land and ocean are wending
+their way from the chilly north towards the sunny south,
+when the invalid seeks the tropics in pursuit of his health,
+and the speculative man of business returns with his "invoices,"
+to his shop, or factory, where profit leads the way.</p>
+
+<p>We are on board ship&mdash;the Triton ploughing the deep
+blue waters of the ocean track from Sandy Hook to New
+Orleans; for October, the weather is rather unruly, <i>damp</i>,
+and boisterous. We perceive a number of passengers
+on board, and by near guess of our memory, we see a person
+or two we have seen before. Our be-whiskered friend of the
+"first-class hotel," is there; he does not look so self-possessed
+and pompous on board the heaving and tossing ship
+as he did behind his marble slab in "the office." "The
+sea, the sea!" as the song says, has quite taken the starch
+out of our stiff friend, who is not enjoying a first-rate time.
+And from an overheard conversation between two hardy,
+noble specimens of men that are men&mdash;two officers of the
+stoutly-timbered ship, the comfort of the be-whiskered gentleman
+is in danger of a commutation.</p>
+
+<p>"Do you know him, Mr. Brace?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, I know him; I knew him as soon as I got the cut
+of his jib coming aboard. Now, says I, my larky, you and
+I've got to travel together, and we'll settle a little odd
+reckoning, if you please, or if you don't please, afore we see
+the Balize. You see, that fellow keeps a crack hotel in
+York; I goes in there to deliver a package for a deuced
+good fellow as ever trod deck, and this powder monkey,
+loblolly-looking swab, puts on his airs, sticks up his nose,
+and hardly condescends to exchange signals with me. Ha!
+ha! I've met these galore cocks before; I can take the tail
+feathers out of 'em!" says Mr. Brace, who is the same
+hardy, frank and free fellow, with whom the reader has already
+formed something of a brief acquaintance. The person
+to whom Brace was addressing himself was the second
+officer of the merchantman, and it was settled that whatever
+nautical knowledge and skill could do to make things
+uneasy for Mr. Lollypops, the empressario of the "first-class
+hotel," was to be done, by mutual management of the
+two salt-water jokers.</p>
+
+<p>"It appears to me, that a&mdash;bless me, sir, a&mdash;how this
+ship rolls!" said Lollypops, coming upon deck, and addressing
+Mr. Brace; "I&mdash;a never saw a ship roll so."</p>
+
+<p>"Heavy sea on, sir," said Brace; "nothing to what
+we'll catch before a week's out."</p>
+
+<p>"Bad coast, I believe, at this time o' year?" said Lollypops,
+balancing himself on first one leg and then the other.</p>
+
+<p>"Worst coast in the world, sir; I'd rather go to Calcutta
+any time than go to Orleans; more vessels lost on the coast
+than are lost anywhere else on the four seas."</p>
+
+<p>"You don't say so!" said Lollypops.</p>
+
+<p>"Fact, sir," said Brace, who occasionally kept exchanging
+private and mysterious signals with the second officer,
+who held the wheel.</p>
+
+<p>"Let her up a point, Mr. Brown, let her up!" Mr.
+Brown did let her up, and the way the Triton took head
+down and heels up and a roll to windward, did not speak
+so well for the nautical <i>menage</i> of the officers as it did for
+the quiet deviltry of the salt-water Joe Millers. The
+avalanche of brine inundated the decks, making the sailors
+look quite asquirt, and driving Mr. Lollypops, an ancient
+voyager or two, and sundry other travelling gentry&mdash;very
+suddenly into the cabin. The next day the same performance
+followed; the appearance of Lollypops on deck was a
+signal for Brace or Brown, to go in, get up a double <i>roll</i>
+on the ship, an imaginary gale was discussed, wrecks and
+reefs, dangerous points and dreadful currents were descanted
+upon, until Mr. Lollypops' health, at the end of the first
+week, was no better fast; in fact, he was getting sick of the
+voyage, while others around grew fat upon it. A fine
+morning induced the invalid to light his regalia and walk
+the decks; immediately Mr. Brace, or Brown, gave orders
+to wash down the decks. Mr. Lollypops went aloft, <i>ergo</i>,
+as far as the main top; immediately the first officer had the
+men "going about," heaving here and letting go there; in
+short, so endangering the hat and underpinning of the
+be-whiskered landlord of the "first-class hotel" that he was
+fain to crawl down, take the wet decks, tip-toe, and crawl
+into the cabin, damp as a dishcloth, and utterly disgusted
+with what he had seen of the sea! Accidentally, one
+afternoon, a tar pot fell from aloft; somehow or other, the
+careless sailor who held it, or should have held it&mdash;"let go
+all" just when Mr. Lollypops was in the immediate neighborhood;
+the result was that he had a splendid dressing-gown
+and other equipments&mdash;ruined eternally! Going into
+the cabin, Lollypops inquires for the Captain&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Sir!" says he, "I am mad, Sir, very mad, Sir; yes, I am,
+Sir; look at me, only look at me! In rough weather we do
+not expect pleasant times at sea, but, Sir, ever since I have
+been on board, Sir, your infernal officers, Sir, have thrown
+this ship into all manner of unpleasant situations, kept the
+decks wet, rattled chains over my berth, wang-banged the
+rigging around, and finally, by thunder, I'm covered all
+over with villanous soap fat and tar! Now, Sir, this is not
+all the result of accident&mdash;it's premeditated rascality!"</p>
+
+<p>"Sir"&mdash;says the bully mate, coming forward, at this crisis,
+"my name's Mr. Brace; when I was aboard your craft, in
+New York, you rather put on <i>airs</i>, and I said if you and I
+ever got to sea together&mdash;we'd have a <i>blow</i> out. Now we're
+about even; if you're a mind we'll call the matter square&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, yes, for heaven's sake, let us have no more of this!"
+says Lollypops.</p>
+
+<p>"We'll have a bottle together, and wish for a clean run
+to Orleans!" continued officer Brace.</p>
+
+<p>Lollypops agreed; he not only stood the wine, but got
+over his anger, vowed to look deeper into character, and
+never again rebuff honest manliness, though hid under the
+coarse costume of a son of Neptune! A hearty laugh
+closed the scene, and fair weather and a fine termination
+attended the voyage of the Triton to New Orleans; for
+a finer, drier craft never danced over the ocean wave, than
+that good ship, under <i>rational</i> management.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="The_Broomstick_Marriage" id="The_Broomstick_Marriage"></a>The Broomstick Marriage.</h2>
+
+
+<p>"Marry in haste and repent at leisure," is a time-honored
+idea, and calls to mind a matrimonial circumstance
+which, according to pretty lively authority, once
+came about in the glorious Empire State. A certain Captain
+of a Lake Erie steamer, who was blessed with an elegant
+temperament for fun, fashion, and the feminines, was
+"laid up," over winter, near his childhood's home in Genesee
+county. Having nearly exhausted his private stock of
+jokes, and gone the entire rounds of life and liveliness of
+the season, he bethought him how he should create a little
+<i>stir</i>, and have his joke at the expense of a young Doctor,
+who had recently "located" in the neighborhood, and by
+his rather <i>taking</i> person and manners, cut <ins title="somethiug">something</ins> of a
+swath in the community, and especially amongst the <i>calico!</i></p>
+
+<p>The profession of young Esculapius gave him an access
+to private society that ordinary circumstances did not vouch
+to most men. Among the many families with which Dr.
+Mutandis had formed an acquaintance was that of old Capt.
+Figgles. The Captain was a queer old mortal, who in his
+hale old days had quit life on the ocean wave for the quietude
+of agricultural comfort. The Captain was a blustering
+salt, whimsical, but generous and social, as old sailors most
+generally are. He was supposed to be in easy circumstances,
+but <i>how</i> easy, very few knew.</p>
+
+<p>Capt. Figgles's family consisted of himself, three daughters,
+one married and "settled," the other two at home; an
+ancient colored woman, who had served in the Captain's
+family,&mdash;ship and shore&mdash;a lifetime. Dinah and old Sam,
+her husband, with two or three farm-laborers, constituted
+the Captain's household. Betsy, the youngest daughter,
+the old man's favorite, had been christened Elizabeth, but
+that not being warm enough for Capt. Figgles's idea of
+attachment, he ever called his daughter, Betsy, and so she
+was called by <i>almost</i> everybody at all familiar with the
+family. Betsy Figgles was not a very poetical subject, by
+name or size. She was a fine, bouncing young woman of
+four-and-twenty; she was dutiful and bountiful, if not beautiful.
+She was useful, and even ornamental in her old
+father's eyes, and, as he was wont to say, in his never-to-be-forgotten
+salt-water <i>linguæ</i>&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Betsy was a <i>craft</i>, she was; a square-bilt, trim, well-ballasted
+craft, fore and aft; none of your sky-scraping, taut,
+Baltimore clipper, fair-weather, no-tonnage jigamarees!
+Betsy is a <i>woman</i>; her mother was just like her when I fell
+in with her, and it wasn't long afore I chartered her for a
+life's voyage. And the man who lets such a woman slip her
+cable and stand off soundings, for 'Cowes and a market,'
+when he's got a chance to fill out her papers and take command,
+is not a <i>man</i>, but a mouse, or a long-tailed Jamaica rat!"</p>
+
+<p>Between Capt. Tiller, our Lake boatman, and Capt.
+Figgles, there was an intimacy of some years' standing, but
+the old Captain and the young Captain didn't exactly "hitch
+horses"&mdash;whether it was because Capt. T. came under the
+old man's idea of "a Jamaica rat," or because he looked
+upon inland sailors as greenhorns, deponent saith not.</p>
+
+<p>Dr. Mutandis and Capt. Figgles were only upon so-so
+sort of business sociality, though both the junior Captain
+and the Doctor were intimate enough with both the Miss
+Figgleses. Capt. Tiller, as we intimated, was about to
+leave for coming duties on the Lake, and being so full of
+old Nick, it was indispensable that he must play off a practical
+joke, or have some fun with somebody, as a sort of a
+yarn for the season, on his boat.</p>
+
+<p>The Figgleses announced a grand quilting scrape; the
+Doctor and Captain were among the invited guests, of
+course, and for some hours the assembled party had indeed
+as grand a good time generally as usually falls to the lot of
+a country community. Old black Ebenezer&mdash;but whose
+name had also been cut down for convenience sake to <i>Sam</i>,
+by the old Captain&mdash;did the orchestral duties upon his fiddle,
+which, aided by a youngster on the triangle and another on
+the tambourine, formed quite "a full band" for the occasion,
+and dancing was done up in style!</p>
+
+<p>As a sort of "change of scene" or divertisement in the
+programme, somebody proposed games of this and games of
+that, and while old Capt. Figgles was as busy as "a flea in
+a tar bucket"&mdash;to use the old gentleman's simile&mdash;fulminating
+and fabricating a rousing bowl of egg flip for the entire
+party, Capt. Tiller and Dr. Mutandis were sort of paired
+off with a party of eight, in which were the two Miss
+Figgleses, to get up their own game.</p>
+
+<p>"Good!" says Capt. Tiller, "pair off with Miss Betsy,
+Doctor, and I'll pair off with Miss Sally (the older daughter
+of Capt. F.), and now what say you? Let's make up a
+wedding-party&mdash;<i>let's jump the broomstick!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>"Agreed!" cries the Doctor. "Who'll be the parson?"</p>
+
+<p>"I'll be parson," says Capt. T.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, get your book."</p>
+
+<p>"Here it is!" cries another, poking a specimen of
+current Scripture into the <i>pseudo</i> parson's hands.</p>
+
+<p>"Miss Betsy and Dr. Mutandis, stand up," says Capt.
+Tiller, assuming quite the air and grace of the parson.</p>
+
+<p>Bridesmaids, grooms, &amp;c., were soon arranged in due
+order, and the interesting ceremony of joining hands and
+hearts in one happy bond of mutual and indissoluble
+(slightly, sometimes!) love and obedience was progressing.</p>
+
+<p>"Cap'n Figgles, you're wanted," says one, interrupting
+the old man, now busy concocting his grog for all hands.</p>
+
+<p>"Go to blazes, you son of a sea cook!" cries the old
+gentleman; "haven't you common decency to see when a
+man's engaged in a <i>calculation</i> he oughtn't to be disturbed, eh?"</p>
+
+<p>"But Betsy's going to be married!" insists the disturber,
+who, in fact, was half-seas over in infatuation with Miss
+Betsy, and had had a slight inkling of a fact that by the
+law of the State anybody could marry a couple, and the
+marriage would be as obligatory upon the parties as though
+performed by the identical legal authorities to whom young
+folks "in a bad way" are in the habit of appealing for relief.</p>
+
+<p>"Let 'em heave ahead, you marine!" cries Capt. Figgles.</p>
+
+<p>"Are you really willing to allow it?" continues the swain.</p>
+
+<p>"Me willing? It's Betsy's affair; let her keep the lookout,"
+said the old gent.</p>
+
+<p>"But don't you know, Cap'n&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"No! nor I don't care, you swab!" cries the excited
+Captain. "Bear away out of here," he continued, beginning
+to get down the glasses from the corner-cupboard
+shelves, "unless&mdash;but stop! hold on! here, take this waiter,
+Jones, and bear a hand with the grog, unless you want to
+stand by, and see the ship's company go down by the lifts
+and braces, dry as powder-monkeys! There; now pipe all
+hands&mdash;ship aho-o-o-oy!" bawls the old Captain; "bear up,
+the whole fleet! Now splice the main-brace! Don't nobody
+stand back, like loblolly boys at a funeral&mdash;come up
+and try Capt. Figgles's grog!"</p>
+
+<p>And up they came, the entire crew, old Ebenezer to the
+<i>le'ard</i>, sweating like an ox, and laying off for the piping
+bowl he knew he was "in for" from the hands of his indulgent
+old master.</p>
+
+<p>In the mean time, the marriage ceremony had had its hour,
+and the bride and bridegroom were "skylarking" with the
+rest of the company as happily together as turtle-doves in a
+clover-patch. The evening's entertainment wound up with
+an old-fashioned dance, and the quilting ended. Dr. Mutandis
+lived some five miles distant, and having a call to
+make the next morning near Capt. Figgles's farm, Dr. M.
+concluded to stop with the Captain. As Capt. Tiller was
+leaving, he took occasion to whisper into the ear of his
+medical friend&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"I wish you much joy, my fine fellow; you're married, if
+you did but know it&mdash;fast as a church! Good time to you
+and Betsy!"</p>
+
+<p>"The devil!" says the Doctor, musingly; "it strikes me,
+since I come to think it over, that the laws of this State do
+privilege anybody to marry a couple! By thunder! it
+would be a fine spot of work for me if I was held to the
+ceremony by Miss Figgles!"</p>
+
+<p>But the Doctor kept quiet, and next morning, after breakfast,
+he departed upon his business. He had no sooner
+entered the house of his patient, than he was wished much
+joy and congratulated upon the <i>fatness</i> and jolly good
+nature of his bride!</p>
+
+<p>"But," says the Doctor, "you're mistaken in this affair.
+It's all a hoax&mdash;a mere bit of fun!"</p>
+
+<p>"Ha! ha!" laughed his patient, "fun?&mdash;you call getting
+married <i>fun</i>?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said the Doctor; "we were down at Capt. Figgles's;
+there was a quilting and sort of a frolic going on&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, we heard of it."</p>
+
+<p>"And, in fun, to keep up the sports of the evening, Capt.
+Tiller proposed to marry some of us. So Miss Figgles and
+I stood up, and Captain Tiller acted parson, and we had
+some sport."</p>
+
+<p>"Well," says the farmer (proprietor of the house),
+"Capt. Tiller has got you into a tight place, Doctor; he's
+been around, laughing at the trick he's played you, as perhaps
+you were not aware of the fact that by the law you are
+now just as legally and surely married as though the knot
+was tied by five dozen parsons or magistrates!"</p>
+
+<p>"I'll shoot Capt. Tiller, by Heavens!" cries the enraged
+Doctor. "He's a scoundrel! I'll crop his ears but I'll have satisfaction!"</p>
+
+<p>"Pooh!" says the farmer, "if Betsy Figgles does not object,
+and her father is willing and satisfied with the match
+as it is, I don't see, Doctor, that you need mind the matter."</p>
+
+<p>"I'll be revenged!" cries the Doctor.</p>
+
+<p>"You were never previously married, were you?" says
+the farmer.</p>
+
+<p>"No, sir," replied the Doctor.</p>
+
+<p>"Engaged to any lady?" continued the interrogator.</p>
+
+<p>"No, sir; I am too poor, too busy to think of such a folly
+as increasing my responsibilities to society!"</p>
+
+<p>"Then, sir," said the farmer, "allow me to congratulate
+you upon this very fortunate event, rather than a disagreeable
+joke, for Capt. Figgles is worth nearly a quarter of a
+million of dollars, sir; and Miss Betsy is no gaudy butterfly,
+but, sir, she's an excellent girl, whom you may be proud of
+as your wife."</p>
+
+<p>"'Squire," says the Doctor, "jump in with me, and go
+back to the Captain's and assist me to back out, beg the
+pardon of Miss Figgles and her father, and terminate this
+unpleasant farce."</p>
+
+<p>The magistrate-farmer got into the Doctor's gig, and soon
+they were at Capt. Figgles's door.</p>
+
+<p>"Captain," says the Doctor, "I don't know what excuse
+I <i>can</i> offer for the fool I've made of myself, through
+that puppy, Capt. Tiller, but, sir&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Look a-here!" says the Captain, staring the Doctor
+broad in the face, "I've got wind of the whole affair; now
+ease off your palaver. You've married my daughter Betsy,
+in a joke; she's fit for the wife of a Commodore, and all
+I've got to say is, if you want her, take her; if you don't
+want her, you're a fool, and ought to be made a powder-monkey
+for the rest of your natural life."</p>
+
+<p>"But the lady's will and wishes have not been consulted, sir."</p>
+
+<p>"Betsy!" cries the old Captain, "come here. What say
+you&mdash;are you willing to remain spliced with the Doctor, or
+not? Hold up your head, my gal&mdash;speak out!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes&mdash;<i>I'm agreed, if he is</i>," said she.</p>
+
+<p>"Well said, hurrah!" cries the Captain. "Now, sir (to
+the Doctor), to make all right and tight, I here give you,
+in presence of the 'Squire, my favorite daughter Betsy,
+and one of the best farms in the State of New York. Are
+you satisfied, Doctor?"</p>
+
+<p>"Captain, I am. I shall try, sir, to make your daughter
+a happy woman!" returned the Doctor, and he did; he
+became the founder of a large family, and one of the
+wealthiest men in the State.</p>
+
+<p>Rather pleased, finally, with the <i>joke</i>, the Doctor managed
+to turn it upon the Captain, who in due course of law was
+arrested upon the charge of illegally personating a parson,
+and marrying a couple without a license! He was fined
+fifty dollars and costs; and of course was thus caused to
+laugh on the wrong side of his mouth.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Appearances_are_Deceitful" id="Appearances_are_Deceitful"></a>Appearances are Deceitful.</h2>
+
+
+<p>There are a great many good jokes told of the false
+notions formed as to the character and standing of
+persons, as judged by their dress and other outward signs.
+It is asserted, that a fine coat and silvery tone of voice,
+are no evidence of the gentleman, and few people of the
+present day will have the hardihood to assert that a blunt
+address, or shabby coat, are infallible recommendations for
+putting, however honest, or worthy, a man in a prominent
+attitude before the world, or the community he moves in.
+Some men of wealth, for the sake of variety, sometimes assume
+an eccentric or coarseness of costume, that answers
+all very well, as long as they keep where they are known;
+but to find out the levelling principles of utter nothingness
+among your fellow mortals, only assume a shabby apparel
+and stroll out among strangers, and you'll be essentially
+<i>knocked</i> by the force of these facts. However, in this or
+almost any other Christian community, there is little, if any
+excuse, for a man, woman, or child going about or being
+"shabby." Let your garments, however coarse, be made
+clean and whole, and keep them so; if you have but one
+shirt and that minus sleeves and body, have the fragments
+washed, and make not your face and hands a stranger to the
+refreshing and purifying effects of water.</p>
+
+<p>General Pinckney was one of the old school gentlemen of
+South Carolina. A man he was of the most punctilious precision
+in manners and customs, in courtesy, and cleanliness
+of dress and person; a man of brilliant talents, and, in
+every sense of the word, "a perfect gentleman!" Mr.
+Pinckney was one of the members of the first Congress, and
+during his sojourn in Philadelphia, boarded with an old
+lady by the name of Hall, I think&mdash;Mrs. Hall, a staid, prim
+and precise dame of the old regime. Mistress Hall was a
+widow; she kept but few boarders in her fine old mansion,
+on Chestnut street, and her few boarders were mostly members
+of Congress, or belonged to the Continental army.
+Never, since the days of that remarkable lady we read of in
+the books, who made her servant take her chair out of doors,
+and air it, if any body by chance sat down on it, and who
+was known to empty her tea-kettle, because somebody crossed
+the hearth during the operation of boiling water for tea,&mdash;exceeded
+Mistress Hall in domestic prudery and etiquette;
+hence it may be well imagined that "shabby people" and the
+"small fry" generally, found little or no favor in the eyes of
+the Quaker landlady of "ye olden time."</p>
+
+<p>General Pinckney having served out his term or resigned
+his place, it was filled by another noted individual of Charleston,
+General Lowndes, one of the most courteous and talented
+men of his day, but the slovenliest and most shockingly
+ill-accoutred man on record. But for the care and
+watchfulness of one of the most superb women in existence
+at the time&mdash;Mrs. Lowndes,&mdash;the General would probably
+have frequently appeared in public, with his coat inside out,
+and his shirt over all!</p>
+
+<p>General Lowndes, in starting for Philadelphia, was recommended
+by his friend Pinckney, to put up at Mistress Hall's;
+General P. giving General Lowndes a letter of introduction
+to that lady. Travelling was a slow and tedious, as well as
+fatiguing and dirty operation, at that day, so that after a
+journey from Charleston to Philadelphia, even a man with
+some pretensions to dress and respectable <i>contour</i>, would
+be apt to look a little "mussy;" but for the poor General's
+part, he looked hard enough, in all conscience, and had he
+known the <i>effect</i> such an appearance was likely to produce
+upon Mistress Hall, he would not have had the
+temerity of invading her premises. But the General's views
+were far above "buttons," leather, and prunella. Such a
+thing as paying deferential courtesies to a man's garments,
+was something not dreamed of in his philosophy.</p>
+
+<p>"Mrs. Hall's, I believe?" said the General, to a servant
+answering the ponderous, lion-headed knocker.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sah," responded the sable waiter. "Walk dis
+way, sah, into de parlor, sah."</p>
+
+<p>The General stalked in, leisurely; around the fire-place
+were seated a dozen of the boarders, the aforesaid "big
+bugs" of the olden time. Not one moved to offer the stranger
+a seat by the fire, although his warm Southern blood
+was pretty well congealed by the frosty air of the evening.
+The General pulled off his gloves, laid down his great heavy
+and dusty valice, and quietly took a remote seat to await
+the presence of the landlady. She came, lofty and imposing;
+coming into the parlor, with her astute cap upon her
+majestic head, her gold spectacles upon her nose, as stately
+as a stage queen!</p>
+
+<p>"Good evening," said the gallant General, rising and
+making a very polite bow. "Mrs. Hall, I presume?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, sir," she responded, stiffly, and eyeing Lowndes
+with considerable diffidence. "Any business with me, sir?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, madam," responded the General, "I&mdash;a&mdash;purpose
+remaining in the city some time, and&mdash;a&mdash;I shall be pleased
+to put up with you."</p>
+
+<p>"That's impossible, sir," was the ready and decisive reply.
+"My house is full; I cannot accommodate you."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, really, that <i>will</i> be a disappointment, indeed,"
+said the General, "for I'm quite a stranger in the city, and
+may find it difficult to procure permanent lodgings."</p>
+
+<p>"I presume not, sir," said she; "there are <i>taverns</i> enough,
+where strangers are entertained."</p>
+
+<p>The gentlemen around the fire, never offered to tender
+the stranger any information upon the subject, but several
+eyed him very hard, and doubtless felt pleased to see the
+discomfitted and ill-accoutred traveller seize his baggage,
+adjust his dusty coat, and start out, which <i>he</i> was evidently
+very loth to do.</p>
+
+<p>Just as Lowndes had reached the parlor door, it occurred
+to him that Pinckney had recommended him to "put up" at
+the widow's, and also had given him a letter of introduction
+to Mrs. Hall. This reminiscence caused the General to retrace
+his steps back into the parlor, where, placing his
+portmanteau on the table, he applied the key and opened
+it, and began fumbling around for his letters, to the no
+small wonder of the landlady and her respectable boarders.</p>
+
+<p>"I have here, I believe, madam, a letter for you," blandly
+said the General, still overhauling his baggage.</p>
+
+<p>"A letter for <i>me</i>, sir?" responded the lady.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes, madam, from an old friend of yours, who recommended
+me to stop with you. Ah, here it is, from your
+friend General Pinckney, of South Carolina."</p>
+
+<p>"General Pinckney!" echoed the landlady, all the gentlemen
+present cocking their eyes and ears! The widow tore
+open the letter, while Lowndes calmly fastened up his portmanteau,
+and all of a sudden, quite an incarnation spread its
+roseate hues over her still elegant features.</p>
+
+<p>Lowndes seized his baggage, and, with a "good evening,
+madam, good evening, gentlemen," was about to leave the
+institution, when the lady arrested him with:</p>
+
+<p>"Stop, if you please, sir; this is General Lowndes, I believe?"</p>
+
+<p>"General Lowndes, madam, at your service," said he, with
+a dignified bow.</p>
+
+<p>According to all accounts, just then, there was a very
+sudden rising about the fire-place, and a twinkling of chairs,
+as if they had all just been <i>struck</i> with the idea that there
+was a stranger about!</p>
+
+<p>"Keep your seats, gentlemen," said the General; "I
+don't wish to disturb any of you, as I'm about to leave."</p>
+
+<p>"General Lowndes," said the widow, "any friend of Mr.
+Pinckney is welcome to my house. Though we are full, I
+can make room for <i>you</i>, sir."</p>
+
+<p>The General stopped, and the widow and he became first-rate
+friends, when they became better acquainted.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Cigar_Smoke" id="Cigar_Smoke"></a>Cigar Smoke</h2>
+
+
+<p>Few persons can readily conceive of the amount of cigars
+consumed in this country, daily, to say little or nothing of
+the yearly smokers. The growing passion for the noxious
+weed is truly any thing but pleasantly contemplative. A
+boy commences smoking at ten or a dozen years old, and
+by the time he should be "of age," he is, in various hot-house
+developed faculties, quite advanced in years! And
+street smoking, too, has increased, at a rate, within a year
+past, that bids fair to make the Puritan breezes of our
+evenings as redolent of "smoke and smell," as meets one's
+nasal organic faculties upon paying a pop visit to New
+York. There is but one idea of useful import that we can
+advance in favor of smoking, to any great extent, in our
+city: consumption and asthmatic disorders generally are
+more prevalent here than in other and more southern climates,
+and for the protection of the lungs, cigar smoking, to a
+moderate extent, may be useful, as well as pleasurable;
+but an indiscriminate "looseness" in smoking is not only a
+dead waste of much ready money, but injurious to the eyes,
+teeth, breath, taste, smell, and all other senses.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="Everlasting_Tall_Duel" id="Everlasting_Tall_Duel"></a>An Everlasting Tall Duel</h2>
+
+
+<p>After all the vicissitudes, ups and downs of a soldier's
+life, especially in such a campaign as that in Mexico,
+there is a great deal of music mixed up with the misery,
+fun with the fuss and feathers, and incident enough to last
+a man the balance of a long lifetime.</p>
+
+<p>While camped at Camargo, the officers and privates of
+the Ohio volunteer regiment were paid off one day, and, of
+course, all who could get <i>leave</i>, started to town, to have a
+time, and get clear of their hard earnings.</p>
+
+<p>The Mexicans were some pleased, and greatly illuminated
+by the Americans, that and the succeeding day.
+Several of the officers invested a portion of their funds in
+mules and mustangs. Among the rest, Lieut. Dick Mason
+and Adjt. Wash. Armstrong set up their private teams.
+Now, it so fell out, that one of Armstrong's men stole
+Mason's mule, and being caught during the day with the
+stolen property on him, or he on it, the high-handed private,
+(who, barring his propensity to ride in preference to
+walking, was a very clever sort of fellow, and rather popular
+with the Adjutant,) nabbed him as a hawk would a pip-chicken.</p>
+
+<p>"If I catch the fellow who stole my mule," quoth Lieut.
+Dick, "I'll give him a lamming he won't forget soon!"</p>
+
+<p>And, good as his word, when the man was taken, the
+Lieutenant had him whipped severely. This riled up Adjt.
+Wash., who, in good, round, unvarnished terms, volunteered
+to lick the Lieutenant&mdash;out of his leathers! From words
+they came to blows, very expeditiously, and somehow or
+other the Lieutenant came out second best&mdash;bad licked!
+This sort of a finale did not set well upon the stomach of
+the gallant Lieutenant; so he ups and writes a challenge to
+the Adjutant to meet in mortal combat; and readily finding
+a second, the challenge was signed, sealed, and delivered to
+Adjt. Armstrong, Company &mdash;&mdash;, Ohio volunteers. All
+these preliminaries were carried on in, or very near in,
+Camargo. The Adjutant readily accepted the invitation to
+step out and be shot at; and, having scared up his second,
+and having no heirs or assigns, goods, chattels, or other
+sublunary matters to adjust, no time was lost in making
+wills or leaving posthumous information. The duel went
+forward with alacrity, but all of a sudden it was discovered
+by the several interested parties that no arms were in the
+crowd. It would not very well do to go to camp and look
+for duelling weapons; so it was proposed to do the best that
+could be done under the circumstances, and buy such murderous
+tools as could be found at hand, and go into the
+merits of the case at once. At length the Adjutant and
+friend chanced upon a machine supposed to be a pistol,
+brought over to the Continent, most probably, by Cortez, in
+the year 1&mdash;sometime. It was a <i>scrougin</i>' thing to hold
+powder and lead, and went off once in three times with the
+intonation of a four-pounder.</p>
+
+<p>"Hang the difference," says the Adjutant; "it will do."</p>
+
+<p>"Must do," the second replies; and so paying for the
+tool, and swallowing down a fresh invoice of <i>ardiente</i>, the
+fighting men start to muster up their opponents, whom they
+found armed and equipped, upon a footing equal to the
+other side, or pretty near it, the Lieutenant having a little
+<i>heavier</i> piece, with a bore into which a gill measure might
+be thrown.</p>
+
+<p>"But&mdash;the difference!" cried seconds and principals.</p>
+
+<p>"Let's fight, not talk," says the Adjutant.</p>
+
+<p>"That's my opinion, gentlemen, exactly," the Lieutenant responds.</p>
+
+<p>"Where shall we go?"</p>
+
+<p>"Anywhere!"</p>
+
+<p>"Better get out into the chaparral," say the cautious
+seconds; "don't want a crowd. Come on!" continue the
+seconds, very valorously; "let's fight!"</p>
+
+<p>"Here's the ground!" cries one, as the parties reach a
+chaparral, a mile or so from town; "here is our ground!"</p>
+
+<p>The principals stared around as if rather uncertain about
+that, for the bushes were so thick and high that precious
+little <i>ground</i> was visible.</p>
+
+<p>"It ain't worth while, gentlemen, to toss up for positions,
+is it?" says the Adjutant's second.</p>
+
+<p>"No," cry both principals. "Measure off the <i>ground</i>, if
+you can find it; let us go to work."</p>
+
+<p>"That's the talk!" says the Adjutant's second.</p>
+
+<p>"Measure off thirty paces," the Lieutenant's second responds.</p>
+
+<p>"No, ten!" cry the principals.</p>
+
+<p>"Twenty paces or no fight!" insists the Adjutant's
+second. "Twenty paces; one, two, three&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>And the seconds trod off as best they could the distance,
+the pieces were loaded, the several bipeds took a drink all
+around from an ample jug of the R. G. they brought for
+the purpose, and then began the memorable duel. The
+principals were placed in their respective positions, to rake
+down each other; and from a safer point of the compass
+the seconds gave the word.</p>
+
+<p>"Bang-g-g!" went the Adjutant's piece, knocking him
+down flat as a hoe-cake.</p>
+
+<p>"F-f-f-izzy!" and the Lieutenant's piece hung fire.</p>
+
+<p>The seconds flew to their men; a parley took place
+upon a "question" whether the Lieutenant had a <i>right</i>
+to prime and fire again, or not. The Adjutant being set
+upon his pins; declared himself ready and willing to let the
+Lieutenant blaze away! The point was finally settled by
+loading up the Adjutant's piece, and priming that of the
+Lieutenant, placing the men, and giving the word,</p>
+
+<p>"One, two, three!"</p>
+
+<p>"Wang-g-g-g!"</p>
+
+<p>"Fiz-a-bang-g-g-g!"</p>
+
+<p>The seconds ran, or hobbled forward, each to his man,
+both being down; but whether by concussion, recoil of their
+fusees, force of the liquor, or weakness of the knee-pans,
+was a hard fact to solve.</p>
+
+<p>"Hurt, Wash.?"</p>
+
+<p>"Not a bit!" cries the Adjutant, getting up.</p>
+
+<p>"Hit, Dick?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, <i>sir!</i>" shouts the Lieutenant; "good as new!"</p>
+
+<p>"Set 'em up!"</p>
+
+<p>"Take your places, gentlemen!" cry the seconds.</p>
+
+<p>All ready. Wang! bang! go the pieces, and down ker-<i>chug</i>
+go both men again. The seconds rush forward, raise
+their men, all safe, load up again, take a drink, all right.</p>
+
+<p>"Make ready, take aim, fire!"</p>
+
+<p>"Wang-g-g!"</p>
+
+<p>"Bang-g-g!"</p>
+
+<p>Both down again, the Lieutenant's coat-tail slightly dislocated,
+and the Adjutant dangerously wounded in the leg
+of his breeches! Both parties getting very mad, very tired,
+and very anxious to try it on at ten paces. Seconds object,
+pieces loaded up again, principals arranged, and,</p>
+
+<p>"One, two, three, fire!"</p>
+
+<p>"Wang-g-g-g!"</p>
+
+<p>"Bang-g-g!"</p>
+
+<p>All down&mdash;load up again&mdash;take a drink&mdash;fire! and down
+they go again. It is very natural to suppose that all this
+firing attracted somebody's attention, and somebody came
+poking around to see what it was all about; and just then,
+as four or five Mexicans came peeping and peering through
+the chaparral, Dick and Wash. let drive&mdash;Bang-g! wang-g!
+and though it seemed impossible to hit one another, the
+slugs, ricochetting over and through the chaparral, knocked
+down two Mexicans, who yelled sanguinary murder, and the
+rest of their friends took to their heels. The seconds, not
+<i>quite</i> so "tight" as the principals, took warning in time to
+evacuate the field of honor, Lieut. Dick's second taking him
+one way, and Ajt. Wash.'s friend going another, just as a
+"Corporal's Guard" made their appearance to arrest the
+<i>rioters</i>. In spite of the poor Mexicans' protestations, or
+endeavors to make out a true case, they were taken up and
+carried to the Guard-House, for shooting one another, and
+raising a row in general. A night's repose brought the
+morning's reflection, when the previous day's performances
+were laughed at, if not forgotten. Wash, and Dick became
+good friends, of course, and cemented the bonds of fraternity
+in the bloody work of a day or two afterwards, in
+storming Monterey.</p>
+
+
+<p class='center' style='margin-top:4em;margin-bottom:4em;'>THE END.</p>
+
+<div id='back-matter-ads'>
+
+<hr class="chapter" />
+<h2><a name="LIST_OF_PUBLICATIONS" id="LIST_OF_PUBLICATIONS"></a>
+T. B. PETERSON'S LIST OF PUBLICATIONS</h2>
+<hr class="chapter" />
+
+
+<h3 style='line-height:2em;'>
+               <span style="font-size:150%;">WIDDIFIELD'S</span><br />
+
+              <span style="font-size:175%;">NEW COOK BOOK:</span><br />
+
+                    <span style="font-size:66%;">OR,</span><br />
+
+  <span style="font-family:sans-serif;font-weight:bold;">PRACTICAL RECEIPTS FOR THE HOUSEWIFE</span>.
+</h3>
+<h4>
+                    <span style="font-size:66%;">BY</span><br />
+
+             <span style="font-size:125%;font-weight:bold;">HANNAH WIDDIFIELD</span>,
+</h4>
+<p class='center'>
+  <i>Celebrated for many Years for the superiority of every article
+     she made, in South Ninth Street, above Spruce, Philadelphia.</i>
+</p>
+<hr style='margin:0.5em auto 0.5em auto;' />
+<p class='center' style='font-weight:bold;'>Complete in one large duodecimo volume, strongly bound. Price One Dollar.</p>
+<hr style='margin:0.5em auto 0.5em auto;' />
+
+<p>There is not a lady living, but should possess themselves of a
+copy of this work at once. It will give you all better meals and
+make your cost of living less, and keep your husbands, sons, and
+brothers in an excellent humor. It is recommended by thousands,
+and is the <i>best</i> and only complete Book on all kinds of Cookery extant.
+It is written so that all can understand it. It is taking the place
+of all other Cook Books, for a person possessing "WIDDIFIELD'S
+NEW COOK BOOK" needs no other, as a copy of this is worth all
+the other books, called Cook Books, in the World.</p>
+
+<p><i>Read what the Editor of the Dollar Newspaper says about it.</i></p>
+
+<div class='blockquot'>
+<p>"The authoress of this work long enjoyed great celebrity with the
+best families in Philadelphia as the most thoroughly informed lady
+in her profession in this country. Her Establishment, on Ninth
+above Spruce street, has long enjoyed the patronage of the best
+livers in our city. The receipts cover almost every variety of cake
+or dish, and every species of cooking. One great advantage which
+this book enjoys over almost every other is the simplicity with which
+the ingredients are set forth, and the comparatively moderate cost
+at which particular receipts may be got up. In most cook books the
+directions cover so large a cost, that to common livers the directions
+had almost as well not be given. This objection has been measurably
+removed in this new volume. Another important matter is, no
+receipts are contained in it but those fully tested, not only by the
+author, but by cooks and housekeepers most competent to judge.
+The volume opens with directions for soup, for fish, oysters, meat,
+poultry, etc. In addition to all this, much attention has been given
+to directions for the preparation of dishes for the sick and convalescent.
+Mr. Peterson has issued the volume in handsome style,
+wisely, as we think, using large type and good paper. The book is
+sold at, or will be sent to any part of the Union, free of postage, on
+receipt of One Dollar."</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Read what the Editor of the Saturday Evening Post says of it.</i></p>
+
+<div class='blockquot'>
+<p>"A number of good books on this subject have been published
+lately, but this is unquestionably the best that we have ever seen
+Its superiority is in the clearness, and brevity, and the practical
+directness of the receipts; they are easily understood and followed.
+The book looks like what it is, the ripe fruit of many years' successful
+practice. The establishment of Mrs. Widdifield has for many
+years held the first rank in Philadelphia for the unvarying excellence
+of every article there made; and now she crowns her well deserved
+celebrity by giving to the world <i>the best book that has been written on
+the subject of cookery</i>. The clear type in which the publisher presents
+it is no slight addition to its value."</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Read what the Editor of the Public Ledger says of it.</i></p>
+<div class='blockquot'>
+<p>"<span class="smcap">A Valuable Work.</span>&mdash;Next to having something to eat is
+having it cooked in a style fit to be eaten. Every housekeeper does
+not understand this art, and, probably, only for want of a little elementary
+teaching. This want is easily supplied, for T. B. Peterson has
+just published Mrs. Widdifield's New Cook Book, in which the experience
+of that celebrated person in this line is given so clearly and
+with such precise details, that any housekeeper of sufficient capacity
+to undertake the management of household affairs, can make herself
+an accomplished caterer for the table without serving an apprenticeship
+to the business. The book is published in one volume, the
+typography good, and paper excellent, with as much real useful information
+in the volume as would be worth a dozen times its price.
+Get it at once."</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Read what the Editors' wives think of it.</i></p>
+
+<p>"It is unquestionably the <i>best</i> Cook Book we have ever seen."&mdash;<i>Saturday
+Evening Post.</i></p>
+
+<p>"It is <i>the best</i> of the many works on Cookery which have appeared.
+The receipts are all plain and practical, and have never
+before appeared in print."&mdash;<i>Germantown Telegraph.</i></p>
+
+<p>"It is the <i>best</i> Cook Book out. Every housewife or lady should
+get a copy at once."&mdash;<i>Berks Co. Press.</i></p>
+
+<p>"We have no hesitation in pronouncing it the best work on the
+subject of Cookery extant."&mdash;<i>Ladies' National Magazine.</i></p>
+
+<p>"It is the <i>very best</i> book on Cookery and Receipts published."&mdash;<i>Dollar
+Newspaper.</i></p>
+
+<p>"It is the <i>very best family Cook Book in existence</i>, and we cordially
+recommend it as such to our readers."&mdash;<i>Evening Bulletin.</i></p>
+
+<p>"It is <i>the best Cook Book</i> we have ever seen."&mdash;<i>Washington Union.</i></p>
+
+<p>&#9758; Copies of the above celebrated Cook Book will be sent to
+any one to any place, <i>free of postage</i>, on remitting One Dollar to the
+Publisher, in a letter. Published and for sale at the Cheap Bookselling
+and Publishing House of</p>
+
+<p style='margin-bottom:1em;'>
+&nbsp;<span style='position:absolute; right:15%;'>T. B. PETERSON,</span><br />
+  <span style='position:absolute; right:10%;'><b>No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.</b></span><br />
+</p>
+<p><i>To whom all orders must come addressed.</i>
+</p>
+<hr class='chapter' />
+
+<div class='center' style='line-height:2em;'>
+
+<span style="font-size:150%;">BOOKS SENT EVERYWHERE FREE OF POSTAGE.</span><br />
+<hr class='doublewide' />
+  <span style="font-size:110%;font-family:sans-serif;">BOOKS FOR EVERYBODY AT GREATLY REDUCED RATES</span>.<br />
+
+<span style="font-size:90%;letter-spacing:3px;">PUBLISHED AND FOR SALE BY</span><br />
+<span style="font-size:150%;font-weight:bold;letter-spacing:4px;"> T. B. PETERSON,</span><br />
+<span style="font-size:125%;">No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philad'a.</span><br />
+<hr style="margin:1em auto;" />
+<p style='text-align:center;'>
+      IN THIS CATALOGUE WILL BE FOUND THE LATEST
+        AND BEST WORKS BY THE MOST POPULAR AND
+            CELEBRATED WRITERS IN THE WORLD.<br />
+
+                <span style="font-size:75%;font-family:sans-serif;">AMONG WHICH WILL BE FOUND</span>
+</p>
+<p class='ads'>
+  CHARLES DICKENS'S, MRS. CAROLINE LEE HENTZ'S, SIR E. L. BULWER'S,
+    G. P. R. JAMES'S, ELLEN PICKERING'S, CAPTAIN MARRYATT'S, MRS. GREY'S,
+    T. S. ARTHUR'S, CHARLES LEVER'S, ALEXANDRE DUMAS', W. HARRISON
+    AINSWORTH'S, D'ISRAELI'S, THACKERAY'S, SAMUEL WARREN'S, EMERSON
+    BENNETT'S, GEORGE LIPPARD'S, REYNOLDS', C. J. PETERSON'S, PETERSON'S
+    HUMOROUS AMERICAN WORKS, HENRY COCKTON'S, EUGENE SUE'S,
+    GEORGE SANDS',
+    CURRER BELL'S, AND ALL THE OTHER BEST AUTHORS IN THE WORLD.
+</p>
+<p class='ads'>
+  <span style="font-size:150%;">&#9758;</span>The best way is to look through the Catalogue, and see what
+  books are in it. You will all be amply repaid for your trouble.
+</p>
+<hr class='doublewide' />
+</div>
+
+<p><b>SPECIAL NOTICE TO EVERYBODY.</b>&mdash;Any person whatever in this
+country, wishing any of the works in this Catalogue, on remitting the price
+of the ones they wish, in a letter, directed to T. B. Peterson, No. 102
+Chestnut Street, Philadelphia, shall have them sent by return of mail, to
+any place in the United States, <i>free of postage</i>. This is a splendid offer,
+as any one can get books to the most remote place in the country, for the
+regular price sold in the large cities, <i>free of postage</i>, on sending for them.</p>
+
+<p>&#9758; All orders thankfully received and filled with despatch, and sent
+by return of mail, or express, or stage, or in any other way the person
+ordering may direct. Booksellers, News Agents, Pedlars, and all others
+supplied with any works published in the world, at the lowest rates.</p>
+
+<p>&#9758; Any Book published, or advertised by any one, can be had here.</p>
+
+<p>&#9758; Agents, Pedlars, Canvassers, Booksellers, News Agents, &amp;c.,
+throughout the country, who wish to make money on a small capital, would
+do well to address the undersigned, who will furnish a complete outfit for
+a comparatively small amount. Send by all means, for whatever books you
+may wish, to the Publishing and Bookselling Establishment of</p>
+
+<p style='text-align:right;'><b>T. B. PETERSON, No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.</b></p>
+
+<hr class='chapter' />
+
+<div class='center'>
+<p style='text-align:center;line-height:2em;'>
+<span style="font-size:150%;font-weight:bold;letter-spacing:4px;"> T. B. PETERSON,</span><br />
+<span style="font-size:125%;">No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philad'a.</span><br />
+<span style="font-size:75%;font-family:sans-serif;">HAS JUST PUBLISHED AND FOR SALE,</span><br />
+
+          STEREOTYPE EDITIONS OF THE FOLLOWING WORKS,<br />
+</p>
+<p style='text-align:center;'>
+    Which will be found to be the Best and Latest Publications,
+      by the Most Popular and Celebrated Writers in the World.
+</p>
+  Every work published for Sale here, either at Wholesale or Retail.
+<p style='text-align:center;font-size:90%;'>
+  All Books in this Catalogue will be sent to any one to any place,
+       per mail, <i>free of postage</i>, on receipt of the price.
+</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class='small' />
+<h3>MRS. SOUTHWORTH'S Celebrated WORKS</h3>
+<p class='center'><b>With a beautiful Illustration in each volume.</b></p>
+
+<p class='ads'>INDIA. THE PEARL OF PEARL RIVER. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N.
+Southworth. This is her new work, and is equal to any of her
+previous ones. Complete in two large volumes, paper cover. Price
+One Dollar; or bound in one volume, cloth, for $1,25.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE MISSING BRIDE; OR, MIRIAM THE AVENGER. By Mrs.
+Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Complete in two volumes, paper cover.
+Price One Dollar; or bound in one volume, cloth, for $1,25.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE LOST HEIRESS. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Being a
+Splendid Picture of American Life. It is a work of powerful interest.
+It is embellished with a beautiful Portrait and Autograph of the
+author. Complete in two vols., paper cover. Price One Dollar; or
+bound in one volume, cloth, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE WIFE'S VICTORY; AND NINE OTHER NOUVELLETTES. By
+Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Complete in two volumes, paper
+cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one volume, cloth, for $1,25.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE CURSE OF CLIFTON. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth.
+Complete in two volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound
+in one volume, cloth, gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE DISCARDED DAUGHTER. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth.
+Complete in two volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar;
+or bound in cloth, gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE DESERTED WIFE. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Complete
+in two volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in
+one volume, cloth, gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE INITIALS. A LOVE STORY OF MODERN LIFE. By a daughter
+of the celebrated Lord Erskine, formerly Lord High Chancellor
+of England. This is a celebrated and world-renowned work. It is
+one of the best works ever published in the English language, and
+will be read for generations to come, and rank by the side of Sir
+Walter Scott's celebrated novels. Complete in two volumes, paper
+cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one volume, cloth, gilt, for
+One Dollar and Twenty-five cents a copy.</p>
+
+
+<h3>CHARLES DICKENS' WORKS.</h3>
+
+<p class='center'><b>The best and most popular in the world. Ten different editions.
+No Library can be complete without a Sett of these Works.
+Reprinted from the Author's last Editions.</b></p>
+
+<p>"PETERSON'S" is the only complete and uniform edition of Charles
+Dickens' works published in America; they are reprinted from the original
+London editions, and are now the only edition published in this country.
+No library, either public or private, can be complete without having in it
+a complete sett of the works of this, the greatest of all living authors.
+Every family should possess a sett of one of the editions. The cheap
+edition is complete in Twelve Volumes, paper cover; either or all of which
+can be had separately. Price Fifty cents each. The following are their names.</p>
+
+<div style='width:100%;position:relative;'>
+<div style='font-size:90%;width:48%;float:left;'>
+DAVID COPPERFIELD,<br />
+NICHOLAS NICKLEBY,<br />
+PICKWICK PAPERS,<br />
+DOMBEY AND SON,<br />
+MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT,<br />
+BARNABY RUDGE,<br />
+OLD CURIOSITY SHOP,<br />
+SKETCHES BY "BOZ,"<br />
+OLIVER TWIST<br />
+BLEAK HOUSE
+</div>
+<div style='font-size:90%;width:48%;float:right;'>
+<p class='ads'>DICKENS' NEW STORIES. Containing The Seven Poor Travellers.
+Nine New Stories by the Christmas Fire. Hard Times. Lizzie Leigh.
+The Miner's Daughters, etc.
+</p>
+<p class='ads'>
+CHRISTMAS STORIES. Containing&mdash;A Christmas Carol. The Chimes.
+Cricket on the Hearth. Battle of Life. Haunted Man, and
+Pictures from Italy.
+</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<p style='clear:both;'>A complete sett of the above edition, twelve volumes in all, will be sent
+to any one to any place, <i>free of postage</i>, for Five Dollars.</p>
+<hr class='small' />
+<h4>COMPLETE LIBRARY EDITION.</h4>
+
+<p>In FIVE large octavo volumes, with a Portrait, on Steel, of Charles
+Dickens, containing over Four Thousand very large pages, handsomely
+printed, and bound in various styles.</p>
+
+<div>
+<table width='100%' summary='advertisement'>
+<tr><td>Volume</td><td>1</td><td>contains</td><td style='width:75%'>Pickwick Papers and Curiosity Shop.</td></tr>
+<tr><td>"</td><td>2</td><td class='c'>do.</td><td class='a'>Oliver Twist, Sketches by "Boz," and Barnaby Rudge.</td></tr>
+<tr><td>"</td><td>3</td><td class='c'>do.</td><td class='a'>Nicholas Nickleby and Martin Chuzzlewit.</td></tr>
+<tr><td>"</td><td>4</td><td class='c'>do.</td><td class='a'>David Copperfield, Dombey and Son, Christmas Stories, and Pictures from Italy.</td></tr>
+<tr><td>"</td><td>5</td><td class='c'>do.</td><td class='a'>Bleak House, and Dickens' New Stories. Containing The Seven Poor Travellers. Nine New Stories by the Christmas Fire. Hard Times. Lizzie Leigh. The Miner's Daughters, and Fortune Wildred, etc.</td></tr>
+</table>
+&nbsp;<br />
+<table width='100%' summary='advertisement'>
+<tr><td>Price of a complete sett. Bound in </td><td>Black cloth, full gilt back,</td> <td class='r'> $7.50</td></tr>
+<tr><td><span style='margin-left:1.5em;'>"</span><span style='margin-left:4em;'>"</span><span style='margin-left:4em;'>"</span></td><td>scarlet cloth, extra,</td>  <td class='r'>  8 50</td></tr>
+<tr><td><span style='margin-left:1.5em;'>"</span><span style='margin-left:4em;'>"</span><span style='margin-left:4em;'>"</span></td><td>library sheep,</td>   <td class='r'>  9 00</td></tr>
+<tr><td><span style='margin-left:1.5em;'>"</span><span style='margin-left:4em;'>"</span><span style='margin-left:4em;'>"</span></td><td>half turkey morocco,</td>    <td class='r'>11 00</td></tr>
+<tr><td><span style='margin-left:1.5em;'>"</span><span style='margin-left:4em;'>"</span><span style='margin-left:4em;'>"</span></td><td>half calf, antique,</td>   <td class='r'> 15 00</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<p class='center'> &#9758; <i>Illustrated Edition is described on next page.</i> &#9756;</p>
+</div>
+<hr class='chapter' />
+
+<p class='center' style='font-weight:bold;font-size:110%;'>ILLUSTRATED EDITION OF DICKENS' WORKS.</p>
+
+<p>This edition is printed on very thick and fine white paper, and is profusely
+illustrated, with all the original illustrations by Cruikshank, Alfred
+Crowquill, Phiz, etc., from the original London edition, on copper, steel,
+and wood. Each volume contains a novel complete, and may be had in
+complete setts, beautifully bound in cloth, for Eighteen Dollars for the
+sett in twelve volumes, or any volume will be sold separately, as follows:</p>
+
+<div style='width:100%;position:relative;'>
+<div style='width:48%;font-size:90%;float:left;'>
+<table summary='advertisement'>
+<tr><td>BLEAK HOUSE,</td><td class='r'><i>Price</i>, $1 50</td></tr>
+<tr><td>PICKWICK PAPERS,</td><td class='r'>1 50</td></tr>
+<tr><td>OLD CURIOSITY SHOP,</td><td class='r'>1 50</td></tr>
+<tr><td>OLIVER TWIST,</td><td class='r'>1 50</td></tr>
+<tr><td>SKETCHES BY "BOZ,"</td><td class='r'>1 50</td></tr>
+<tr><td>BARNABY RUDGE,</td><td class='r'>1 50</td></tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+<div style='width:48%;font-size:90%;float:right;'>
+<table summary='advertisement'>
+<tr><td>NICHOLAS NICKLEBY,</td><td class='r'>1 50</td></tr>
+<tr><td>MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT,</td><td class='r'>1 50</td></tr>
+<tr><td>DAVID COPPERFIELD,</td><td class='r'>1 50</td></tr>
+<tr><td>DOMBEY AND SON,</td><td class='r'>1 50</td></tr>
+<tr><td>CHRISTMAS STORIES,</td><td class='r'>1 50</td></tr>
+<tr><td>DICKENS' NEW STORIES,</td><td class='r'>1 50</td></tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+
+<table style='clear:both' summary='advertisement'>
+<tr><td class='a' style='width:80%'>Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated Edition, in twelve
+vols., in black cloth, gilt back,</td><td class='r'>$18,00</td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class='a'>Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated Edition, in twelve
+vols., in full law library sheep,</td><td class='r'>$24,00</td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class='a'>Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated edition, in twelve
+vols., in half turkey Morocco,</td><td class='r'>$27,00</td></tr>
+
+<tr><td class='a'>Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated Edition, in twelve
+vols., in half calf, antique,</td><td class='r'>$36,00</td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<p class='center' style='clear:both;'><i>All subsequent work by Charles Dickens will be issued in uniform style with
+all the previous ten different editions.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<h3>CAPTAIN MARRYATT'S WORKS.</h3>
+
+<p>Either of which can be had separately. Price of all except the four last
+is 25 cents each. They are printed on the finest white paper, and each
+forms one large octavo volume, complete in itself.</p>
+
+<div style='width:100%'>
+<ul style='float:left;width:50%'>
+	<li>PETER SIMPLE.</li>
+	<li>JACOB FAITHFUL.</li>
+	<li>THE PHANTOM SHIP.</li>
+	<li>MIDSHIPMAN EASY.</li>
+	<li>KING'S OWN.</li>
+	<li>NEWTON FORSTER.</li>
+	<li>JAPHET IN SEARCH OF A FATHER.</li>
+	<li>PACHA OF MANY TALES.</li>
+</ul>
+<ul>
+	<li>NAVAL OFFICER.</li>
+	<li>PIRATE AND THREE CUTTERS.</li>
+	<li>SNARLEYYOW; or, the Dog-Fiend.</li>
+	<li>PERCIVAL KEENE. Price 50 cts.</li>
+	<li>POOR JACK. Price 50 cents.</li>
+	<li>SEA KING. 200 pages. Price 50 cents.</li>
+	<li>VALERIE. His last Novel. Price 50 cents.</li>
+</ul>
+</div>
+
+
+<h3 style='margin-top:2em;'>ELLEN PICKERING'S NOVELS.</h3>
+
+<p>Either of which can be had separately. Price 25 cents each. They are
+printed on the finest white paper, and each forms one large octavo volume,
+complete in itself, neatly bound in a strong paper cover.</p>
+
+<div style='width:100%'>
+<ul style='float:left;width:50%;margin-top:0;'>
+	<li>THE ORPHAN NIECE.</li>
+	<li>KATE WALSINGHAM.</li>
+	<li>THE POOR COUSIN.</li>
+	<li>ELLEN WAREHAM.</li>
+	<li>THE QUIET HUSBAND.</li>
+	<li>WHO SHALL BE HEIR?</li>
+	<li>THE SECRET FOE.</li>
+	<li>AGNES SERLE.</li>
+</ul>
+<ul>
+	<li>THE HEIRESS.</li>
+	<li>PRINCE AND PEDLER.</li>
+	<li>MERCHANT'S DAUGHTER.</li>
+	<li>THE FRIGHT.</li>
+	<li>NAN DARRELL.</li>
+	<li>THE SQUIRE.</li>
+	<li>THE EXPECTANT.</li>
+	<li>THE GRUMBLER. 50 cts.</li>
+</ul>
+</div>
+
+
+<h3>MRS. CAROLINE LEE HENTZ'S WORKS.</h3>
+
+<p class='ads'>COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE; OR, THE JOYS AND SORROWS
+OF AMERICAN LIFE. With a Portrait of the Author. Complete
+in two large volumes, paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one
+volume, cloth gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE PLANTER'S NORTHERN BRIDE. With illustrations. Complete
+in two large volumes, paper cover, 600 pages, price One Dollar,
+or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>LINDA; OR, THE YOUNG PILOT OF THE BELLE CREOLE. Complete
+in two volumes, paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one
+volume, cloth gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>ROBERT GRAHAM. The Sequel to, and continuation of Linda. Being
+the last book but one that Mrs. Hentz wrote prior to her death.
+Complete in two large volumes, paper cover, price One Dollar, or
+bound in one volume, for cloth gilt, One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>RENA; OR, THE SNOW BIRD. A Tale of Real Life. Complete in two
+volumes, paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume,
+cloth gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>MARCUS WARLAND; OR, THE LONG MOSS SPRING. A Tale of
+the South. Complete in two volumes, paper cover, price One Dollar,
+or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>LOVE AFTER MARRIAGE; and other Stories. Complete in two volumes,
+paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth
+gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>EOLINE; OR, MAGNOLIA VALE. Complete in two volumes, paper
+cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, $1 25.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE BANISHED SON; and other Stories. Complete in two volumes,
+paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, $1 25.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>HELEN AND ARTHUR. Complete in two volumes, paper cover, price
+One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, $1 25.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>AUNT PATTY'S SCRAP BAG, together with large additions to it,
+written by Mrs. Hentz, prior to her death, and never before published
+in any other edition of this or any other work than this. Complete in
+two volumes, paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume,
+cloth gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.</p>
+
+
+<h3>T. S. ARTHUR'S WORKS.</h3>
+
+<p>Either of which can be had separately. Price 25 cents each. They are
+the most moral, popular and entertaining in the world. There are no
+better books to place in the hands of the young. All will profit by them.</p>
+
+<div style='width:100%'>
+<ul style='float:left;width:50%;margin-top:0;'>
+	<li>YEAR AFTER MARRIAGE.</li>
+	<li>THE DIVORCED WIFE.</li>
+	<li>THE BANKER'S WIFE.</li>
+	<li>PRIDE AND PRUDENCE.</li>
+	<li>CECILIA HOWARD.</li>
+	<li>MARY MORETON.</li>
+	<li>LOVE IN A COTTAGE.</li>
+	<li>LOVE IN HIGH LIFE.</li>
+	<li>THE TWO MERCHANTS.</li>
+	<li>LADY AT HOME.</li>
+</ul><ul>
+	<li>TRIAL AND TRIUMPH.</li>
+	<li>THE ORPHAN CHILDREN.</li>
+	<li>THE DEBTOR'S DAUGHTER.</li>
+	<li>INSUBORDINATION.</li>
+	<li>LUCY SANDFORD.</li>
+	<li>AGNES, or the Possessed.</li>
+	<li>THE TWO BRIDES.</li>
+	<li>THE IRON RULE.</li>
+	<li>THE OLD ASTROLOGER.</li>
+	<li>THE SEAMSTRESS.</li>
+</ul>
+</div>
+
+
+<h3>CHARLES LEVER'S NOVELS.</h3>
+
+<p class='ads'>CHARLES O'MALLEY, the Irish Dragoon. By Charles Lever. Complete
+in one large octavo volume of 324 pages. Price Fifty cents; or
+an edition on finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One
+Dollar.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE KNIGHT OF GWYNNE. A tale of the time of the Union. By
+Charles Lever. Complete in one fine octavo volume. Price Fifty
+cents; or an edition on finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated.
+Price One Dollar.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>JACK HINTON, the Guardsman. By Charles Lever. Complete in one
+large octavo volume of 400 pages. Price Fifty cents; or an edition
+on finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>TOM BURKE OF OURS. By Charles Lever. Complete in one large
+octavo volume of 300 pages. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on
+finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>ARTHUR O LEARY. By Charles Lever. Complete in one large octavo
+volume. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on finer paper, bound in
+cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>KATE O'DONOGHUE. A Tale of Ireland. By Charles Lever. Complete
+in one large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents; or an edition
+on finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>HORACE TEMPLETON. By Charles Lever. This is Lever's New
+Book. Complete in one large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents; or
+an edition on finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>HARRY LORREQUER. By Charles Lever, author of the above seven
+works. Complete in one octavo volume of 402 pages. Price Fifty
+cents; or an edition on finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price
+One Dollar.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>VALENTINE VOX.&mdash;LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF VALENTINE
+VOX, the Ventriloquist. By Henry Cockton. One of the most
+humorous books ever published. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on
+finer paper, bound in cloth. Price One Dollar.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>PERCY EFFINGHAM. By Henry Cockton, author of "Valentine Vox,
+the Ventriloquist." One large octavo volume. Price 50 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>TEN THOUSAND A YEAR. By Samuel C. Warren. With Portraits
+of Snap, Quirk, Gammon, and Tittlebat Titmouse, Esq. Two large
+octavo vols., of 547 pages. Price One Dollar; or an edition on finer
+paper, bound in cloth, $1,50.</p>
+
+<h3>CHARLES J. PETERSON'S WORKS.</h3>
+
+<p class='ads'>KATE AYLESFORD. A story of the Refugees. One of the most popular
+books ever printed. Complete in two large volumes, paper cover.
+Price One Dollar; or bound in one volume, cloth, gilt. Price $1 25.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>CRUISING IN THE LAST WAR. A Naval Story of the War of 1812.
+First and Second Series. Being the complete work, unabridged. By
+Charles J. Peterson. 228 octavo pages. Price 50 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>GRACE DUDLEY; OR, ARNOLD AT SARATOGA. By Charles J.
+Peterson. Illustrated. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE VALLEY FARM; OR, the AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF AN ORPHAN.
+A companion to Jane Eyre. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+
+<h3>EUGENE SUE'S NOVELS.</h3>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE MYSTERIES OF PARIS; AND GEROLSTEIN, the Sequel to it.
+By Eugene Sue, author of the "Wandering Jew," and the greatest
+work ever written. With illustrations. Complete in two large volumes,
+octavo. Price One Dollar.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE ILLUSTRATED WANDERING JEW. By Eugene Sue. With
+87 large illustrations. Two large octavo volumes. Price One Dollar.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE FEMALE BLUEBEARD; or, the Woman with many Husbands.
+By Eugene Sue. Price Twenty-five cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>FIRST LOVE. A Story of the Heart. By Eugene Sue. Price Twenty-five cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>WOMAN'S LOVE. A Novel. By Eugene Sue. Illustrated. Price Twenty-five cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>MAN-OF-WAR'S-MAN. A Tale of the Sea. By Eugene Sue. Price Twenty-five cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>RAOUL DE SURVILLE; or, the Times of Napoleon Bonaparte in 1810.
+Price Twenty-five cents.</p>
+
+
+<h3>SIR E. L. BULWER'S NOVELS.</h3>
+
+<p class='ads'>FALKLAND. A Novel. By Sir E. L. Bulwer, author of "The Roue,"
+"Oxonians," etc. One volume, octavo. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE ROUE; OR THE HAZARDS OF WOMEN. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE OXONIANS. A Sequel to the Roue. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>CALDERON THE COURTIER. By Bulwer. Price 12&frac12; cents.</p>
+
+
+<h3>MRS. GREY'S NOVELS.</h3>
+
+<p>Either of which can be had separately. Price 25 cents each. They are
+printed on the finest white paper, and each forms one large octavo volume,
+complete in itself, neatly bound in a strong paper cover.</p>
+
+<div style='width:100%'>
+<ul style='float:left;width:45%'>
+	<li>DUKE AND THE COUSIN.</li>
+	<li>GIPSY'S DAUGHTER.</li>
+	<li>BELLE OF THE FAMILY.</li>
+	<li>SYBIL LENNARD.</li>
+	<li>THE LITTLE WIFE.</li>
+	<li>MAN&OElig;UVRING MOTHER.</li>
+	<li>LENA CAMERON: or, the Four Sisters.</li>
+	<li>THE BARONET'S DAUGHTERS.</li>
+</ul><ul>
+	<li>THE YOUNG PRIMA DONNA.</li>
+	<li>THE OLD DOWER HOUSE.</li>
+	<li>HYACINTHE.</li>
+	<li>ALICE SEYMOUR.</li>
+	<li>HARRY MONK.</li>
+	<li>MARY SEAHAM. 250 pages. Price 50 cents.</li>
+	<li>PASSION AND PRINCIPLE. 200 pages. Price 50 cents.</li>
+</ul>
+</div>
+
+<h3>GEORGE W. M. REYNOLD'S WORKS.</h3>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE NECROMANCER. A Romance of the times of Henry the Eighth,
+By G. W. M. Reynolds. One large volume. Price 75 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE PARRICIDE; OR, THE YOUTH'S CAREER IN CRIME. By
+G. W. M. Reynolds. Full of beautiful illustrations. Price 50 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>LIFE IN PARIS: OR, THE ADVENTURES OF ALFRED DE ROSANN
+IN THE METROPOLIS OF FRANCE. By G. W. M. Reynolds.
+Full of Engravings. Price 50 cents.</p>
+
+
+<h3>AINSWORTH'S WORKS.</h3>
+
+<p class='ads'>JACK SHEPPARD.&mdash;PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
+JACK SHEPPARD, the most noted burglar, robber, and jail breaker,
+that ever lived. Embellished with Thirty-nine, full page, spirited
+Illustrations, designed and engraved in the finest style of art, by
+George Cruikshank, Esq., of London. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>ILLUSTRATED TOWER OF LONDON. With 100 splendid engravings.
+This is beyond all doubt one of the most interesting works ever
+published in the known world, and can be read and re-read with
+pleasure and satisfaction by everybody. We advise all persons to
+get it and read it. Two volumes, octavo. Price One Dollar.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF GUY FAWKES, The
+Chief of the Gunpowder Treason. The Bloody Tower, etc. Illustrated.
+By William Harrison Ainsworth. 200 pages. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE STAR CHAMBER. An Historical Romance. By W. Harrison
+Ainsworth. With 17 large full page illustrations. Price 50 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE PICTORIAL OLD ST. PAUL'S. By William Harrison Ainsworth.
+Full of Illustrations. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>MYSTERIES OF THE COURT OF QUEEN ANNE. By William
+Harrison Ainsworth. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>MYSTERIES OF THE COURT OF THE STUARTS. By Ainsworth.
+Being one of the most interesting Historical Romances ever written.
+One large volume. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>DICK TURPIN.&mdash;ILLUSTRATED LIFE OF DICK TURPIN, the
+Highwayman, Burglar, Murderer, etc. Price Twenty-five cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>HENRY THOMAS.&mdash;LIFE OF HARRY THOMAS, the Western Burglar
+and Murderer. Full of Engravings. Price Twenty-five cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>DESPERADOES.&mdash;ILLUSTRATED LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
+THE DESPERADOES OF THE NEW WORLD. Full of engravings.
+Price Twenty-five cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>NINON DE L'ENCLOS.&mdash;LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF NINON
+DE L'ENCLOS, with her Letters on Love, Courtship and Marriage.
+Illustrated. Price Twenty-five cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE PICTORIAL NEWGATE CALENDAR; or the Chronicles of Crime.
+Beautifully illustrated with Fifteen Engravings. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF DAVY CROCKETT.
+Written by himself. Beautifully illustrated. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF ARTHUR SPRING, the murderer of
+Mrs. Ellen Lynch and Mrs. Honora Shaw, with a complete history of
+his life and misdeeds, from the time of his birth until he was hung.
+Illustrated with portraits. Price Twenty-five cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>JACK ADAMS.&mdash;PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF JACK
+ADAMS; the celebrated Sailor and Mutineer. By Captain Chamier,
+author of "The Spitfire." Full of illustrations. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>GRACE O'MALLEY.&mdash;PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
+GRACE O'MALLEY. By William H. Maxwell, author of "Wild
+Sports in the West." Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE PIRATE'S SON. A Sea Novel of great interest. Full of beautiful
+illustrations. Price Twenty-five cents.</p>
+
+
+<h3>ALEXANDER DUMAS' WORKS.</h3>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE IRON MASK, OR THE FEATS AND ADVENTURES OF
+RAOULE DE BRAGELONNE. Being the conclusion of "The
+Three Guardsmen," "Twenty Years After," and "Bragelonne." By
+Alexandre Dumas. Complete in two large volumes, of 420 octavo
+pages, with beautifully Illustrated Covers, Portraits, and Engravings.
+Price One Dollar.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>LOUISE LA VALLIERE; OR THE SECOND SERIES AND FINAL
+END OF THE IRON MASK. By Alexandre Dumas. This work
+is the final end of "The Three Guardsmen," "Twenty Years After,"
+"Bragelonne," and "The Iron Mask," and is of far more interesting
+and absorbing interest, than any of its predecessors. Complete in
+two large octavo volumes of over 400 pages, printed on the best of
+paper, beautifully illustrated. It also contains correct Portraits of
+"Louise La Valliere," and "The Hero of the Iron Mask." Price One Dollar.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE MEMOIRS OF A PHYSICIAN; OR THE SECRET HISTORY OF
+LOUIS THE FIFTEENTH. By Alexandre Dumas. It is beautifully
+embellished with thirty engravings, which illustrate the principal
+scenes and characters of the different heroines throughout the work.
+Complete in two large octavo volumes. Price One Dollar.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE QUEEN'S NECKLACE: OR THE SECRET HISTORY OF THE
+COURT OF LOUIS THE SIXTEENTH. A Sequel to the Memoirs
+of a Physician. By Alexandre Dumas. It is beautifully illustrated
+with portraits of the heroines of the work. Complete in two large
+octavo volumes of over 400 pages. Price One Dollar.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>SIX YEARS LATER; OR THE TAKING OF THE BASTILE. By
+Alexandre Dumas. Being the continuation of "The Queen's Necklace;
+or the Secret History of the Court of Louis the Sixteenth," and
+"Memoirs of a Physician." Complete in one large octavo volume.
+Price Seventy-five cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>COUNTESS DE CHARNY; OR THE FALL OF THE FRENCH
+MONARCHY. By Alexandre Dumas. This work is the final conclusion
+of the "Memoirs of a Physician," "The Queen's Necklace,"
+and "Six Years Later, or Taking of the Bastile." All persons who
+have not read Dumas in this, his greatest and most instructive production,
+should begin at once, and no pleasure will be found so
+agreeable, and nothing in novel form so useful and absorbing. Complete
+in two volumes, beautifully illustrated. Price One Dollar.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>DIANA OF MERIDOR; THE LADY OF MONSOREAU; or France in
+the Sixteenth Century. By Alexandre Dumas. An Historical Romance.
+Complete in two large octavo volumes of 538 pages, with
+numerous illustrative engravings. Price One Dollar.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>ISABEL OF BAVARIA; or the Chronicles of France for the reign of
+Charles the Sixth. Complete in one fine octavo volume of 211 pages,
+printed on the finest white paper. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>EDMOND DANTES. Being the sequel to Dumas' celebrated novel of
+the Count of Monte Cristo. With elegant illustrations. Complete in
+one large octavo volume of over 200 pages. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE CORSICAN BROTHERS. This work has already been dramatized,
+and is now played in all the theatres of Europe and in this country,
+and it is exciting an extraordinary interest. Price Twenty-five cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>SKETCHES IN FRANCE. By Alexandre Dumas. It is as good a
+book as Thackeray's Sketches in Ireland. Dumas never wrote a
+better book. It is the most delightful book of the season. Price
+Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>GENEVIEVE, OR THE CHEVALIER OF THE MAISON ROUGE.
+By Alexandre Dumas. An Historical Romance of the French Revolution.
+Complete in one large octavo volume of over 200 pages,
+with numerous illustrative engravings. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+
+<h3>GEORGE LIPPARD'S WORKS.</h3>
+
+<p class='ads'>WASHINGTON AND HIS GENERALS; or, Legends of the American
+Revolution. Complete in two large octavo volumes of 538 pages,
+printed on the finest white paper. Price One Dollar.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE QUAKER CITY; or, the Monks of Monk Hall. A Romance of
+Philadelphia Life, Mystery and Crime. Illustrated with numerous
+Engravings. Complete in two large octavo volumes of 500 pages.
+Price One Dollar.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE LADYE OF ALBARONE; or, the Poison Goblet. A Romance of
+the Dark Ages. Lippard's Last Work, and never before published.
+Complete in one large octavo volume. Price Seventy-five cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>PAUL ARDENHEIM; the Monk of Wissahickon. A Romance of the
+Revolution. Illustrated with numerous engravings. Complete in,
+two large octavo volumes, of nearly 600 pages. Price One Dollar.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>BLANCHE OF BRANDYWINE; or, September the Eleventh, 1777. A
+Romance of the Poetry, Legends, and History of the Battle of Brandywine.
+It makes a large octavo volume of 350 pages, printed on the
+finest white paper. Price Seventy-five cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>LEGENDS OF MEXICO; or, Battles of General Zachary Taylor, late
+President of the United States. Complete in one octavo volume of
+128 pages. Price Twenty-five cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE NAZARENE; or, the Last of the Washingtons. A Revelation of
+Philadelphia, New York, and Washington, in the year 1844. Complete
+in one volume. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+
+<h3>B. D'ISRAELI'S NOVELS.</h3>
+
+<p class='ads'>VIVIAN GREY. By B. D'Israeli, M. P. Complete in one large octavo
+volume of 225 pages. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE YOUNG DUKE; or the younger days of George the Fourth. By
+B. D'Israeli, M. P. One octavo volume. Price Thirty-eight cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>VENETIA; or, Lord Byron and his Daughter. By B. D'Israeli, M. P.
+Complete in one large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>HENRIETTA TEMPLE. A Love Story. By B. D'Israeli, M. P. Complete
+in one large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>CONTARINA FLEMING. An Autobiography. By B. D'Israeli, M. P.
+One volume, octavo. Price Thirty-eight cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>MIRIAM ALROY. A Romance of the Twelfth Century. By B. D'Israeli,
+M. P. One volume octavo. Price Thirty-eight cents.</p>
+
+
+<h3>EMERSON BENNETT'S WORKS.</h3>
+
+<p class='ads'>CLARA MORELAND. This is a powerfully written romance. The
+characters are boldly drawn, the plot striking, the incidents replete
+with thrilling interest, and the language and descriptions natural and
+graphic, as are all of Mr. Bennett's Works. 330 pages. Price 50
+cents in paper cover, or One Dollar in cloth, gilt.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>VIOLA; OR, ADVENTURES IN THE FAR SOUTH-WEST. Complete
+in one large volume. Price 50 cents in paper cover, or 75 cents
+in cloth, gilt.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE FORGED WILL. Complete in one large volume, of over 300
+pages, paper cover, price 50 cents; or bound in cloth, gilt, price $1 00.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>KATE CLARENDON; OR, NECROMANCY IN THE WILDERNESS.
+Price 50 cents in paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>BRIDE OF THE WILDERNESS. Complete in one large volume.
+Price 50 cents in paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE PIONEER'S DAUGHTER; and THE UNKNOWN COUNTESS.
+By Emerson Bennett. Price 50 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>HEIRESS OF BELLEFONTE: and WALDE-WARREN. A Tale of
+Circumstantial Evidence. By Emerson Bennett. Price 50 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>ELLEN NORBURY; OR, THE ADVENTURES OF AN ORPHAN.
+Complete in one large volume, price 50 cents in paper cover, or in
+cloth gilt, $1 00.</p>
+
+
+<h3>MISS LESLIE'S NEW COOK BOOK.</h3>
+
+<p class='ads'>MISS LESLIE'S NEW RECEIPTS FOR COOKING. Comprising new
+and approved methods of preparing all kinds of soups, fish, oysters,
+terrapins, turtle, vegetables, meats, poultry, game, sauces, pickles,
+sweet meats, cakes, pies, puddings, confectionery, rice, Indian meal
+preparations of all kinds, domestic liquors, perfumery, remedies,
+laundry-work, needle-work, letters, additional receipts, etc. Also,
+list of articles suited to go together for breakfasts, dinners, and suppers,
+and much useful information and many miscellaneous subjects
+connected with general house-wifery. It is an elegantly printed duodecimo
+volume of 520 pages; and in it there will be found <i>One Thousand
+and Eleven new Receipts</i>&mdash;all useful&mdash;some ornamental&mdash;and all
+invaluable to every lady, miss, or family in the world. This work has
+had a very extensive sale, and many thousand copies have been sold,
+and the demand is increasing yearly, being the most complete work
+of the kind published in the world, and also the latest and best, as,
+in addition to Cookery, its receipts for making cakes and confectionery
+are unequalled by any other work extant. New edition, enlarged
+and improved, and handsomely bound. Price One Dollar a
+copy only. This is the only new Cook Book by Miss Leslie.</p>
+
+
+<h3>GEORGE SANDS' WORKS.</h3>
+
+<p class='ads'>FIRST AND TRUE LOVE. A True Love Story. By George Sand,
+author of "Consuelo," "Indiana," etc. It is one of the most charming
+and interesting works ever published. Illustrated. Price 50 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>INDIANA. By George Sand, author of "First and True Love," etc.
+A very bewitching and interesting work. Price 50 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE CORSAIR. A Venetian Tale. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+
+<h3>HUMOROUS AMERICAN WORKS.<br />
+<span style="font-size:90%;letter-spacing:0;">WITH ORIGINAL ILLUSTRATIONS BY DARLEY AND OTHERS,</span><br />
+<span style="font-size:75%;letter-spacing:0;">AND BEAUTIFULLY ILLUMINATED COVERS</span>.
+</h3>
+
+<p>We have just published new and beautiful editions of the following
+HUMOROUS AMERICAN WORKS. They are published in the best
+possible style, full of original Illustrations, by Darley, descriptive of all the
+best scenes in each work, with Illuminated Covers, with new and beautiful
+designs on each, and are printed on the finest and best of white paper.
+There are no works to compare with them in point of wit and humor, in
+the whole world. The price of each work is Fifty cents only.</p>
+
+<h4>THE FOLLOWING ARE THE NAMES OF THE WORKS.</h4>
+
+<p class='ads'>MAJOR JONES' COURTSHIP: detailed, with other Scenes, Incidents,
+and Adventures, in a Series of Letters, by himself. With Thirteen
+Illustrations from designs by Darley. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>DRAMA IN POKERVILLE: the Bench and Bar of Jurytown, and
+other Stories. By "Everpoint," (J. M. Field, of the St. Louis
+Reveille.) With Illustrations from designs by Darley. Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>CHARCOAL SKETCHES, or, Scenes in the Metropolis. By Joseph C.
+Neal, author of "Peter Ploddy," "Misfortunes of Peter Faber," etc.
+With Illustrations. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>YANKEE AMONGST THE MERMAIDS, and other Waggeries and
+Vagaries. By W. E. Burton, Comedian. With Illustrations by
+Darley. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>MISFORTUNES OF PETER FABER, and other Sketches. By the
+author of "Charcoal Sketches." With Illustrations by Darley and
+others. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>MAJOR JONES' SKETCHES OF TRAVEL, comprising the Scenes,
+Incidents, and Adventures in his Tour from Georgia to Canada.
+With Eight Illustrations from Designs by Darley. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>STREAKS OF SQUATTER LIFE, and Far West Scenes. A Series of
+humorous Sketches, descriptive of Incidents and Character in the
+Wild West. By the author of "Major Jones' Courtship," "Swallowing
+Oysters Alive," etc. With Illustrations from designs by Darley,
+Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>QUARTER RACE IN KENTUCKY, AND OTHER STORIES. By
+W. T. Porter, Esq., of the New York Spirit of the Times. With
+Eight Illustrations and designs by Darley. Complete in one volume.
+Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>SIMON SUGGS.&mdash;ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN SIMON SUGGS, late
+of the Tallapoosa Volunteers, together with "Taking the Census,"
+and other Alabama Sketches. By a Country Editor. With a Portrait
+from Life, and Nine other Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>RIVAL BELLES. By J. B. Jones, author of "Wild Western Scenes,"
+etc. This is a very humorous and entertaining work, and one that
+will be recommended by all after reading it. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. By Sam Slick, alias
+Judge Haliburton. Full of the drollest humor that has ever emanated
+from the pen of any author. Every page will set you in a roar.
+Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF COL. VANDERBOMB, AND THE
+EXPLOITS OF HIS PRIVATE SECRETARY. By J. B. Jones,
+author of "The Rival Belles," "Wild Western Scenes," etc. Price
+Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>BIG BEAR OF ARKANSAS, and other Sketches, illustrative of Characters
+and Incidents in the South and South-West. Edited by Wm. T.
+Porter. With Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>MAJOR JONES' CHRONICLES OF PINEVILLE; embracing Sketches
+of Georgia Scenes, Incidents, and Characters. By the author of
+"Major Jones' Courtship," etc. With Illustrations by Darley. Price
+Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF PERCIVAL MABERRY. By J. H.
+Ingraham. It will interest and please everybody. All who enjoy a
+good laugh should get it at once. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>FRANK FORESTER'S QUORNDON HOUNDS; or, A Virginian at
+Melton Mowbray. By H. W. Herbert, Esq. With Illustrations.
+Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>PICKINGS FROM THE PORTFOLIO OF THE REPORTER OF THE
+"NEW ORLEANS PICAYUNE." Comprising Sketches of the
+Eastern Yankee, the Western Hoosier, and such others as make up
+society in the great Metropolis of the South. With Illustrations by
+Darley. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>FRANK FORESTER'S SHOOTING BOX. By the author of "The
+Quorndon Hounds," "The Deer Stalkers," etc. With Illustrations by
+Darley. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>STRAY SUBJECTS ARRESTED AND BOUND OVER; being the
+Fugitive Offspring of the "Old Un" and the "Young Un," that have
+been "Laying Around Loose," and are now "tied up" for fast keeping.
+With Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>FRANK FORESTER'S DEER STALKERS; a Tale of Circumstantial
+evidence. By the author of "My Shooting Box," "The Quorndon
+Hounds," etc. With Illustrations. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN FARRAGO. By Hon. H. H. Brackenridge.
+For Sixteen years one of the Judges of the Supreme Court of
+the State of Pennsylvania. With Illustrations from designs by Darley.
+Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE CHARMS OF PARIS; or, Sketches of Travel and Adventures by
+Night and Day, of a Gentleman of Fortune and Leisure. From his
+private journal. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>PETER PLODDY, and other oddities. By the author of "Charcoal
+Sketches," "Peter Faber," &amp;c. With Illustrations from original
+designs, by Darley. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>WIDOW RUGBY'S HUSBAND, a Night at the Ugly Man's, and other
+Tales of Alabama. By author of "Simon Suggs." With original
+Illustrations. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>MAJOR O'REGAN'S ADVENTURES. By Hon. H. H. Brackenridge.
+With Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>SOL. SMITH; THEATRICAL APPRENTICESHIP AND ANECDOTAL
+RECOLLECTIONS OF SOL. SMITH, Esq., Comedian, Lawyer,
+etc. Illustrated by Darley. Containing Early Scenes, Wanderings
+in the West, Cincinnati in Early Life, etc. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>SOL. SMITH'S NEW BOOK; THE THEATRICAL JOURNEY-WORK
+AND ANECDOTAL RECOLLECTIONS OF SOL. SMITH, Esq.,
+with a portrait of Sol. Smith. It comprises a Sketch of the second
+Seven years of his professional life, together with some Sketches of
+Adventure in after years. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>POLLY PEABLOSSOM'S WEDDING, and other Tales. By the author
+of "Major Jones' Courtship," "Streaks of Squatter Life," etc. Price
+Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>FRANK FORESTER'S WARWICK WOODLANDS; or, Things as
+they were Twenty Years Ago. By the author of "The Quorndon
+Hounds," "My Shooting Box," "The Deer Stalkers," etc. With
+Illustrations, illuminated. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>LOUISIANA SWAMP DOCTOR. By Madison Tensas, M. D., Ex. V. P.
+M. S. U. Ky. Author of "Cupping on the Sternum." With Illustrations
+by Darley. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>NEW ORLEANS SKETCH BOOK, by "Stahl," author of the "Portfolio
+of a Southern Medical Student." With Illustrations from
+designs by Darley. Price Fifty cents.</p>
+
+
+<h3>FRENCH, GERMAN, SPANISH, LATIN, AND ITALIAN LANGUAGES.</h3>
+
+<p>Any person unacquainted with either of the above languages, can, with
+the aid of these works, be enabled to <i>read</i>, <i>write</i> and <i>speak</i> the
+language of either, without the aid of a teacher or any oral instruction
+whatever, provided they pay strict attention to the instructions laid
+down in each book, and that nothing shall be passed over, without a
+thorough investigation of the subject it involves: by doing which they
+will be able to <i>speak</i>, <i>read</i> or <i>write</i> either language, at their
+will and pleasure. Either of these works is invaluable to any persons
+wishing to learn these languages, and are worth to any one One Hundred
+times their cost. These works have already run through several large
+editions in this country, for no person ever buys one without
+recommending it to his friends.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER. In Six Easy Lessons.<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">GERMAN WITHOUT A MASTER. In Six Easy Lessons.<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">SPANISH WITHOUT A MASTER. In Four Easy Lessons.<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">ITALIAN WITHOUT A MASTER. In Five Easy Lessons.<br /></span>
+<span class="i8">LATIN WITHOUT A MASTER. In Six Easy Lessons.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Price of either of the above Works, separate, 25 cents each&mdash;or the
+whole five may be had for One Dollar, and will be sent <i>free of postage</i> to
+any one on their remitting that amount to the publisher, in a letter.</p>
+
+
+<h3>WORKS BY THE BEST AUTHORS.</h3>
+
+<p class='ads'>FLIRTATIONS IN AMERICA; OR HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. A
+capital book. 285 pages. Price 50 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>DON QUIXOTTE.&mdash;ILLUSTRATED LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF
+DON QUIXOTTE DE LA MANCHA, and his Squire Sancho Panza,
+with all the original notes. 300 pages. Price 75 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>WILD SPORTS IN THE WEST. By W. H. Maxwell, author of "Pictorial
+Life and Adventures of Grace O'Malley." Price 50 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE ROMISH CONFESSIONAL; or, the Auricular Confession and Spiritual
+direction of the Romish Church. Its History, Consequences,
+and policy of the Jesuits. By M. Michelet. Price 50 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>GENEVRA; or, the History of a Portrait. By Miss Fairfield, one of the
+best writers in America. 200 pages. Price 50 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>WILD OATS SOWN ABROAD; OR, ON AND OFF SOUNDINGS. It
+is the Private Journal of a Gentleman of Leisure and Education, and
+of a highly cultivated mind, in making the tour of Europe. It shows
+up all the High and Low Life to be found in all the fashionable resorts
+in Paris. Price 50 cents in paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>SALATHIEL; OR, THE WANDERING JEW. By Rev. George Croly.
+One of the best and most world-wide celebrated books that has ever
+been printed. Price 50 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>LLORENTE'S HISTORY OF THE INQUISITION IN SPAIN. Only
+edition published in this country. Price 50 cents; or handsomely
+bound in muslin, gilt, price 75 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>DR. HOLLICK'S NEW BOOK. ANATOMY AND PHYSIOLOGY,
+with a large dissected plate of the Human Figure, colored to Life.
+By the celebrated Dr. Hollick, author of "The Family Physician,"
+"Origin of Life," etc. Price One Dollar.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>DR. HOLLICK'S FAMILY PHYSICIAN; OR, THE TRUE ART OF
+HEALING THE SICK. A book that should be in the house of
+every family. It is a perfect treasure. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>MYSTERIES OF THREE CITIES. Boston, New York, and Philadelphia.
+Revealing the secrets of society in these various cities. All
+should read it. By A. J. H. Duganne. 200 pages. Price 50 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>RED INDIANS OF NEWFOUNDLAND. A beautifully illustrated Indian
+Story, by the author of the "Prairie Bird." Price 50 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>HARRIS'S ADVENTURES IN AFRICA. This book is a rich treat.
+Two volumes. Price One Dollar, or handsomely bound, $1 50.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE PETREL; OR, LOVE ON THE OCEAN. A sea novel equal to the
+best. By Admiral Fisher. 200 pages. Price 50 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>ARISTOCRACY, OR LIFE AMONG THE "UPPER TEN." A true
+novel of fashionable life. By J. A. Nunes, Esq. Price 50 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE CABIN AND PARLOR. By J. Thornton Randolph. It is
+beautifully illustrated. Price 50 cents in paper cover; or a finer edition,
+printed on thicker and better paper, and handsomely bound in
+muslin, gilt, is published for One Dollar.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>LIFE IN THE SOUTH. A companion to "Uncle Tom's Cabin." By
+C. H. Wiley. Beautifully illustrated from original designs by Darley.
+Price 50 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>SKETCHES IN IRELAND. By William M. Thackeray, author of
+"Vanity Fair," "History of Pendennis," etc. Price 50 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE ROMAN TRAITOR; OR, THE DAYS OF CATALINE AND
+CICERO. By Henry William Herbert. This is one of the most
+powerful Roman stories in the English language, and is of itself sufficient
+to stamp the writer as a powerful man. Complete in two large
+volumes, of over 250 pages each, paper cover, price One Dollar, or
+bound in one volume, cloth, for $1 25.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE LADY'S WORK-TABLE BOOK. Full of plates, designs, diagrams,
+and illustrations to learn all kinds of needlework. A work every
+Lady should possess. Price 50 cents in paper cover; or bound in
+crimson cloth, gilt, for 75 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE COQUETTE. One of the best books ever written. One volume, octavo,
+over 200 pages. Price 50 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>WHITEFRIARS; OR, THE DAYS OF CHARLES THE SECOND. An
+Historical Romance. Splendidly illustrated with original designs, by
+Chapin. It is the best historical romance published for years. Price
+50 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>WHITEHALL; OR, THE TIMES OF OLIVER CROMWELL. By the
+author of "Whitefriars." It is a work which, for just popularity and
+intensity of interest, has not been equalled since the publication of
+"Waverly." Beautifully illustrated. Price 50 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE SPITFIRE. A Nautical Romance. By Captain Chamier, author
+of "Life and Adventures of Jack Adams." Illustrated. Price 50 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>UNCLE TOM'S CABIN AS IT IS. One large volume, illustrated,
+bound in cloth. Price $1 25.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>FATHER CLEMENT. By Grace Kennady, author of "Dunallen,"
+"Abbey of Innismoyle," etc. A beautiful book. Price 50 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE ABBEY OF INNISMOYLE. By Grace Kennady, author of "Father
+Clement." Equal to any of her former works. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE FORTUNE HUNTER; a novel of New York society, Upper and
+Lower Tendom. By Mrs. Anna Cora Mowatt. Price 38 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>POCKET LIBRARY OF USEFUL KNOWLEDGE. New and enlarged
+edition, with numerous engravings. Twenty thousand copies sold.
+We have never seen a volume embracing any thing like the same
+quantity of useful matter. The work is really a treasure. It should
+speedily find its way into every family. It also contains a large and
+entirely new Map of the United States, with full page portraits of
+the Presidents of the United States, from Washington until the present
+time, executed in the finest style of the art. Price 50 cents a
+copy only.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>HENRY CLAY'S PORTRAIT. Nagle's correct, full length Mezzotinto
+Portrait, and only true likeness ever published of the distinguished
+Statesman. Engraved by Sartain. Size, 22 by 30 inches. Price
+$1 00 a copy only. Originally sold at $5 00 a copy.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE MISER'S HEIR; OR, THE YOUNG MILLIONAIRE. A story
+of a Guardian and his Ward. A prize novel. By P. H. Myers, author
+of the "Emigrant Squire." Price 50 cents in paper cover, or 75 cents
+in cloth, gilt.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE TWO LOVERS. A Domestic Story. It is a highly interesting and
+companionable book, conspicuous for its purity of sentiment&mdash;its
+graphic and vigorous style&mdash;its truthful delineations of character&mdash;and
+deep and powerful interest of its plot. Price 38 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>ARRAH NEIL. A novel by G. P. R. James. Price 50 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>SIEGE OF LONDONDERRY. A History of the Siege of Londonderry,
+and Defence of Enniskillen, in 1688 and 1689, by the Rev. John
+Graham. Price 37 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>VICTIMS OF AMUSEMENTS. By Martha Clark, and dedicated by the
+author to the Sabbath Schools of the land. One vol., cloth, 38 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>FREAKS OF FORTUNE; or, The Life and Adventures of Ned Lorn.
+By the author of "Wild Western Scenes." One volume, cloth. Price
+One Dollar.</p>
+
+
+<h3>WORKS AT TWENTY-FIVE CENTS EACH.</h3>
+
+<p class='ads'>GENTLEMAN'S SCIENCE OF ETIQUETTE, AND GUIDE TO SOCIETY.
+By Count Alfred D'Orsay. With a portrait of Count D'Orsay.
+Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>LADIES' SCIENCE OF ETIQUETTE. By Countess de Calabrella, with
+her full-length portrait. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>ELLA STRATFORD; OR, THE ORPHAN CHILD. By the Countess
+of Blessington. A charming and entertaining work. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>GHOST STORIES. Full of illustrations. Being a Wonderful Book.
+Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>ADMIRAL'S DAUGHTER. By Mrs. Marsh, author of "Ravenscliffe."
+One volume, octavo. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE MONK. A Romance. By Matthew G. Lewis, Esq., M. P. All
+should read it. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>DIARY OF A PHYSICIAN. Second Series. By S. C. Warren, author
+of "Ten Thousand a Year." Illustrated. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>ABEDNEGO, THE MONEY LENDER. By Mrs. Gore. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>MADISON'S EXPOSITION OF THE AWFUL CEREMONIES OF
+ODD FELLOWSHIP, with 20 plates. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>GLIDDON'S ANCIENT EGYPT, HER MONUMENTS, HIEROGLYPHICS,
+HISTORY, ETC. Full of plates. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>BEAUTIFUL FRENCH GIRL; or the Daughter of Monsieur Fontanbleu.
+Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>MYSTERIES OF BEDLAM; OR, ANNALS OF THE LONDON MAD-HOUSE.
+Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>JOSEPHINE. A Story of the Heart, By Grace Aguilar, author of
+"Home Influence," "Mother's Recompense," etc. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>EVA ST. CLAIR; AND OTHER TALES. By G. P. R. James, Esq.,
+author of "Richelieu." Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>AGNES GREY: AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY. By the author of "Jane
+Eyre," "Shirley," etc. Price 25 <ins title="cets">cents</ins>.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>BELL BRANDON, AND THE WITHERED FIG TREE. By P. Hamilton
+Myers. A Three Hundred Dollar prize novel. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>KNOWLSON'S COMPLETE CATTLE, OR COW DOCTOR. Whoever
+owns a cow should have this book. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>KNOWLSON'S COMPLETE FARRIER, OR HORSE DOCTOR. All
+that own a horse should possess this work. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE COMPLETE KITCHEN AND FRUIT GARDENER, FOR POPULAR
+AND GENERAL USE. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE COMPLETE FLORIST; OR FLOWER GARDENER. The best
+in the world. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE EMIGRANT SQUIRE. By author of "Bell Brandon." 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>PHILIP IN SEARCH OF A WIFE. By the author of "Kate in Search
+of a Husband." Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>MYSTERIES OF A CONVENT. By a noted Methodist Preacher. Price
+25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE ORPHAN SISTERS. It is a tale such as Miss Austen might have
+been proud of, and Goldsmith would not have disowned. It is well
+told, and excites a strong interest. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE DEFORMED. One of the best novels ever written, and THE
+CHARITY SISTER. By Hon. Mrs. Norton. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>LIFE IN NEW YORK. IN DOORS AND OUT OF DOORS. By the
+late William Burns. Illustrated by Forty Engravings. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>JENNY AMBROSE; OR, LIFE IN THE EASTERN STATES. An excellent
+book. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>MORETON HALL; OR, THE SPIRITS OF THE HAUNTED HOUSE.
+A Tale founded on Facts. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>RODY THE ROVER; OR THE RIBBON MAN. An Irish Tale. By
+William Carleton. One volume, octavo. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>AMERICA'S MISSION. By Rev. Charles Wadsworth. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>POLITICS IN RELIGION. By Rev. Charles Wadsworth. Price 12&frac12; cts.</p>
+
+
+<h3>Professor LIEBIG'S Works on Chemistry.</h3>
+
+<p class='ads'>AGRICULTURAL CHEMISTRY. Chemistry in its application to Agriculture
+and Physiology. Price Twenty-five cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>ANIMAL CHEMISTRY. Chemistry in its application to Physiology and
+Pathology. Price Twenty-five cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>FAMILIAR LETTERS ON CHEMISTRY, and its relations to Commerce,
+Physiology and Agriculture.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE POTATO DISEASE. Researches into the motion of the Juices in
+the animal body.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>CHEMISTRY AND PHYSICS IN RELATION TO PHYSIOLOGY
+AND PATHOLOGY.</p>
+
+<p>T. B. PETERSON also publishes a complete edition of Professor
+Liebig's works on Chemistry, comprising the whole of the above. They
+are bound in one large royal octavo volume, in Muslin gilt. Price for the
+complete works bound in one volume, One Dollar and Fifty cents. The
+three last are not published separately from the bound volume.</p>
+
+
+<h3>EXCELLENT SHILLING BOOKS.</h3>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE SEVEN POOR TRAVELLERS. By Charles Dickens. Price 12&frac12; cts.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE SCHOOLBOY, AND OTHER STORIES. By Dickens. 12&frac12; cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>SISTER ROSE. By Charles Dickens. Price 12&frac12; cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>CHRISTMAS CAROL. By Charles Dickens. Price 12&frac12; cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>LIZZIE LEIGH, AND THE MINER'S DAUGHTERS. By Charles
+Dickens. Price 12&frac12; cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE CHIMES. By Charles Dickens. Price 12&frac12; cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE CRICKET ON THE HEARTH. By Charles Dickens. Price 12&frac12; cts.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>BATTLE OF LIFE. By Charles Dickens. Price 12&frac12; cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>HAUNTED MAN; AND THE GHOST'S BARGAIN. By Charles
+Dickens. Price 12&frac12; cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE YELLOW MASK. From Dickens' Household Words. Price 12&frac12; cts.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>A WIFE'S STORY. From Dickens' Household Words. Price 12&frac12; cts.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>MOTHER AND STEPMOTHER. By Dickens. Price 12&frac12; cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>ODD FELLOWSHIP EXPOSED. With all the Signs, Grips, Pass-words,
+etc. Illustrated. Price 12&frac12; cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>MORMONISM EXPOSED. Full of Engravings, and Portraits of the
+Twelve Apostles. Price 12&frac12; cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>THE LIFE AND DEATH OF THE REV. JOHN N. MAFFIT; with his
+Portrait. Price 12&frac12; cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>REV. ALBERT BARNES ON THE MAINE LIQUOR LAW. THE
+THRONE OF INIQUITY; or, sustaining Evil by Law. A discourse
+in behalf of a law prohibiting the traffic in intoxicating drinks.
+Price 12&frac12; cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>WOMAN. DISCOURSE ON WOMAN. HER SPHERE, DUTIES,
+ETC. By Lucretia Mott. Price 12&frac12; cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>EUCHRE. THE GAME OF EUCHRE, AND ITS LAWS. By a member
+of the Euchre Club of Philadelphia of Thirty Years' standing.
+Price 12&frac12; cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>DR. BERG'S ANSWER TO ARCHBISHOP HUGHES. Price 12&frac12; cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>DR. BERG'S LECTURE ON THE JESUITS. Price 12&frac12; cents.</p>
+
+<p class='ads'>FRESH FRUITS AND VEGETABLES all the Year round, at Summer
+prices, and how to obtain and have them, with full directions. 12&frac12; cents.</p>
+
+<hr class="small" />
+
+<p class='center'><b>T. B. PETERSON'S Wholesale &amp; Retail Cheap Book, Magazine,
+Newspaper, Publishing and Bookselling Establishment,
+is at No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia:</b><br />
+<span style="font-size:smaller;">From which place he will supply all orders for any books at all, no
+matter by whom published, in advance of all others, and at publishers'
+lowest cash prices. He respectfully invites Country Merchants,
+Booksellers, Pedlars, Canvassers, Agents, the Trade, Strangers in the
+City, and the public generally, to call and examine his extensive
+collection of all kinds of publications, where they will be sure to find
+all the <i>best, latest, and cheapest works</i> published in this country or
+elsewhere, for sale very low.</span></p>
+
+<hr class='chapter' />
+
+<h3><span style="font-size:200%;">THE FORGED WILL.</span></h3>
+<hr class='small' />
+
+<p class='center'><b>BY EMERSON BENNETT,</b><br />
+<span style="font-size:smaller">AUTHOR OF "CLARA MORELAND," "VIOLA," "PIONEER'S DAUGHTER," ETC.</span></p>
+<hr class='small' />
+
+<p>THIS CELEBRATED AND BEAUTIFUL WORK is published complete in one large
+volume, of over 300 pages, paper cover, price FIFTY CENTS; or the work is handsomely
+bound in one volume, cloth, gilt, price ONE DOLLAR.</p>
+
+<p>ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND COPIES OF THE FORGED WILL! will be sold in
+a short time, and it will have a run and popularity second only to Uncle Tom's Cabin.
+The Press everywhere are unanimous in its praise, as being one of the most powerfully
+written works in the language.</p>
+
+<p>THE FORGED WILL is truly a celebrated work. It has been running through
+the columns of the Philadelphia Dollar Newspaper, where it has been appearing for ten
+weeks, and has proved itself to be one of the most popular nouvelettes that has ever
+appeared in the columns of any newspaper in this country. Before the fourth paper appeared,
+the back numbers, (although several thousand extra of the three former numbers
+were printed,) could not be obtained at any price, and the publishers of the paper
+were forced to issue a Supplement sheet of the first three papers of it, for new subscribers
+to their paper, which induced the publisher to make an arrangement with the popular
+author to bring it out in a beautiful style for the thousands that wish it in book form.</p>
+
+<p>If Emerson Bennett had never written his many delightful and thrilling stories of
+border life, of prairie scenes, and Indian warfare, this new story of the '<span class="smcap">Forged Will</span>'
+would have placed his name on the record as one of the best of American novelists. The
+scenes, principally, of this most captivating novel, are laid in the city of New York; and
+most glowingly the author pictures to us how the guilty may, for a time, escape the
+justice of the law, but only to feel the heavy hand of retribution sooner or later; how
+vice may, for a time, triumph over virtue, but only for a time; how crime may lie concealed,
+until its very security breeds exposure; how true virtue gives way to no temptation,
+but bears the ills of life with patience, hoping for a better day, and rejoices
+triumphant in the end. In short, from base hypocrisy he tears the veil that hides its
+huge deformity, and gives a true picture of life as it exists in the crowded city. We do
+cordially recommend this book for its excellent moral. It is one that should be circulated,
+for it <i>must</i> do good.</p>
+
+<p>Price for the complete work, in one volume, in paper cover, Fifty Cents only; or a
+finer edition, printed on thicker and better paper, and handsomely bound in one volume,
+muslin, gilt, is published for One Dollar.</p>
+
+<hr class='small' />
+
+<p>T. B. PETERSON also publishes the following works by Emerson Bennett, either or
+all of which will be sent by mail, free of postage, to any one, on receipt of the prices
+annexed to them. All should send for one or more of them at once. No one will ever
+regret the money sent.</p>
+
+<p><b>CLARA MORELAND</b>; or, Adventures in the Far South-West. By Emerson
+Bennett, author of the "The Forged Will," "Viola," etc. This has proved to be one
+of the most popular and powerful nouvelettes ever written in America, 336 pages. Price
+Fifty Cents in paper covers, or ONE DOLLAR in cloth, gilt.</p>
+
+<p><b>THE PIONEER'S DAUGHTER.</b> By Emerson Bennett, author of "Clara
+Moreland," "Forged Will," etc. Price 50 cents.</p>
+
+<p><b>WALDE-WARREN</b>, a Tale of Circumstantial Evidence. By Emerson Bennett,
+author of "Viola," "Pioneer's Daughter," etc. Price 25 cents.</p>
+
+<p><b>VIOLA</b>; or, Adventures in the Far South-West. By Emerson Bennett, author of
+"The Pioneer's Daughter," "Walde-Warren," etc. Price 50 cents.</p>
+
+<p>Copies of either edition of the above works will be sent to any person at all, to any
+part of the United States, free of postage, on their remitting the price of the edition they
+wish, to the publisher, in a letter, post paid. Published and for Sale by</p>
+
+<p style='margin-bottom:1em;'>
+&nbsp;<span style='position:absolute; right:15%;'>T. B. PETERSON,</span><br />
+  <span style='position:absolute; right:10%;'><b>No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.</b></span><br />
+</p>
+
+<hr class='chapter' />
+<h3><span style="font-family:sans-serif;font-size:200%;letter-spacing:5px;">VIOLA;</span><br />
+<span style="font-size:66%;">OR,</span><br />
+<span style="font-family:sans-serif;">ADVENTURES IN THE FAR SOUTH-WEST.</span>
+</h3>
+<hr class='small' />
+
+<h4>BY EMERSON BENNETT,</h4>
+<p class='ads' style='font-size:66%;'> AUTHOR OF "CLARA MORELAND," "FORGED WILL," "KATE CLARENDON,"
+"BRIDE OF THE WILDERNESS," "WALDE-WARREN," "PIONEER'S DAUGHTER,"
+ETC., ETC.</p>
+<hr class='small' />
+
+<p class='center'>READ THE FOLLOWING OPINIONS OF THE PRESS:</p>
+
+<p>"We have perused this work with some attention, and do not hesitate to pronounce
+it one of the very best productions of the talented author. The scenes are laid in Texas,
+and the adjoining frontier. There is not a page that does not glow with thrilling and
+interesting incident, and will well repay the reader for the time occupied in perusing it.
+The characters are most admirably drawn, and are perfectly natural throughout. We
+have derived so much gratification from the perusal of this charming novel, that we are
+anxious to make our readers share it with us; and, at the same time, to recommend it
+to be read by all persons who are fond of romantic adventures. Mr. Bennett is a spirited
+and vigorous writer, and his works deserve to be generally read; not only because
+they are well written, but that they are, in most part, taken from events connected
+with the history of our own country, from which much valuable information is derived,
+and should, therefore, have a double claim upon our preference, over those works where
+the incidents are gleaned from the romantic legends of old castles, and foreign climes.
+The book is printed on fine paper, and is in every way got up in a style highly creditable
+to the enterprising publisher."</p>
+
+<p>"It is a spirited tale of frontier life, of which 'Clara Moreland' is the sequel and
+conclusion. Mr. Bennett seems to delight in that field of action and adventure, where
+Cooper won his laurels; and which is perhaps the most captivating to the general mind
+of all the walks of fiction. There has been, so far, we think, a steady improvement in
+his style and stories; and his popularity, as a necessary consequence, has been and is increasing.
+One great secret of the popularity of these out-door novels, as we may call
+them, is that there is a freshness and simplicity of the open air and natural world about
+them&mdash;free from the closeness, intensity and artificiality of the gas-lighted world revealed
+in works that treat of the vices and dissipations of large cities."&mdash;<i>Philadelphia
+Saturday Evening Post.</i></p>
+
+<p>"This is one of the best productions of Mr. Bennett. The scenes are in and near
+Texas. Every page glows with thrilling interest, and the characters are well drawn and
+sustained. An interesting love plot runs through the book, which gives a faithful representation
+of life in the far South-West. Mr. Peterson has issued <span class="smcap">Viola</span> in his usual
+neat style, and it is destined to have a great run."&mdash;<i>Clinton Tribune.</i></p>
+
+<p>"We have received the above work and found time to give it an examination. The
+scenes are laid mostly in Texas, and pictured with all the vividness for which the author
+is so celebrated. Those who are particularly fond of wild and romantic adventures
+may safely calculate upon finding 'Viola' suited to their taste. It is well written and
+handsomely printed."&mdash;<i>Daily Journal, Chicago, Ill.</i></p>
+
+<p>"It is a very interesting book. The scenes of this most exciting and interesting Romance
+are found in Texas before and during the late Mexican war. It is written with
+much spirit and pathos, and abounds in stirring incidents and adventures, and has an
+interesting and romantic love-plot interwoven with it; and is a faithful representation
+of 'Life in the Far South-West.' The author of '<span class="smcap">Viola</span>,' will rank among the most
+popular of American Novelists, and aided by the great energy and enterprise of his publisher,
+T. B. Peterson, is fast becoming a general favorite."&mdash;<i>Gazette, Rhinebeck, N. Y.</i></p>
+
+<p>"This thrilling and interesting novel&mdash;equal to anything the celebrated author ever
+wrote&mdash;has been issued in a fifty cent volume; and we would advise every one who
+wants to get the value of his money, to get the book. Bennett's works are the most interesting
+of any now published."&mdash;<i>Western Emporium, Germantown, Ohio.</i></p>
+
+<p>THIS BEAUTIFUL AND CELEBRATED WORK is published complete in one large
+volume of near 300 pages, paper cover, price FIFTY CENTS; or the work is handsomely
+bound in one volume, cloth, gilt, price SEVENTY-FIVE CENTS.</p>
+
+<p>Copies of either edition of the above work will be sent to any person at all, to any
+part of the United States, free of postage, on their remitting the price of the edition they
+wish, to the publisher, in a letter, post-paid. Published and for Sale by</p>
+
+<p style='margin-bottom:1em;'>
+&nbsp;<span style='position:absolute; right:15%;'>T. B. PETERSON,</span><br />
+  <span style='position:absolute; right:10%;'><b>No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.</b></span><br />
+</p>
+
+<hr class='chapter' />
+<h3><span style="font-size:150%;">THE ROMAN TRAITOR;</span><br />
+<span style="font-size:66%;">OR, THE DAYS OF</span><br />
+CICERO, CATO AND CATALINE.</h3>
+<hr class='small' />
+
+
+<h3>BY HENRY WILLIAM HERBERT,<br />
+<span style="font-size:66%;">AUTHOR OF "CROMWELL," "THE BROTHERS," ETC.</span></h3>
+<hr class='small' />
+
+
+<p class='center'>READ THE FOLLOWING OPINIONS OF THE PRESS ABOUT IT.</p>
+
+<p class='center'><i>From the Philadelphia Saturday Courier, of Sept. 10th, 1853.</i></p>
+
+<p>"This historical romance is the most powerfully wrought work which the indomitable
+genius of the author has ever produced; and is amply sufficient of itself to stamp the
+writer as a powerful man. The startling schemes and plots which preceded the overthrow
+of the great Roman Republic, afford ample scope for his well-practised pen, and
+we may add he has not only been fortunate in producing a work of such masterly pretensions,
+but Mr. Herbert is equally so in the good taste, energy, and tact of his enterprising
+publisher. The book is admirably brought out, and altogether may be set down
+as one of Peterson's 'great hits' in literature."</p>
+
+<p class='center'><i>From the Philadelphia Daily Pennsylvanian, of Sept. 8th, 1853.</i></p>
+
+<p>"The author has made one of his happiest efforts, and given in this volume a tale
+which will stand the test of the most rigid criticism, and be read by all lovers of literature
+that embodies the true, the thrilling, the powerful, and the sublime. In fact, we
+would have thought it impossible to produce such a tale of the Republic in these latter
+days; but here we have it&mdash;Sergius Cataline, Cethegus, Cassius, and the rest of that
+dark band of conspirators, are here displayed in their true portraits. Those who have
+read 'Sallust' with care, will recognize the truthful portraiture at a glance, and see the
+heroes of deep and treacherous villainy dressed out in their proper devil-doing character.
+On the other hand, we have Cicero, the orator and true friend of the Commonwealth
+of Rome. We have also his noble <ins title="cotemporaries">contemporaries</ins> and coadjutors, all in this volume.
+Would that space permitted for a more extended notice, but we are compelled to forbear.
+One thing is certain&mdash;if this book contained nothing more than the story of Paullus
+Arvina, it would be a tale of thrilling interest."</p>
+
+<p class='center'><i>From the Cleveland, Ohio, True Democrat, of Sept. 8th, 1853.</i></p>
+
+<p>"Those who have perused the former works of this distinguished author, will not
+fail to procure this book&mdash;It is a thrilling romance, and the characters brought forward,
+and the interest with which they are constantly invested, will insure for it a
+great run."</p>
+
+<p class='center'><i>From the Philadelphia City Item, of Sept. 10th, 1853.</i></p>
+
+<p>"The Roman Traitor demands earnest commendation. It is a powerful production&mdash;perhaps
+the highest effort of the brilliant and successful author. A thorough historian
+and a careful thinker, he is well qualified to write learnedly of any period of the world's
+history. The book is published in tasteful style, and will adorn the centre-table."</p>
+
+<p class='center'><i>From the Boston Evening Transcript, of Sept. 6th, 1853.</i></p>
+
+<p>"This is a powerfully written tale, filled with the thrilling incidents which have made
+the period of which it speaks one of the darkest in the history of the Roman Republic.
+The lovers of excitement will find in its pages ample food to gratify a taste for the darker
+phases of life's drama."</p>
+
+<p class='center'><i>From the Philadelphia Sunday Dispatch, of Sept. 4th, 1853.</i></p>
+
+<p>"Cataline's conspiracy has been selected by Mr. Herbert as the subject of this story.
+Taking the historical incidents as recorded by the most authentic authors, he has woven
+around them a net-work of incident, love and romance, which is stirring and exciting.
+The faithful manner in which the author has adhered to history, and the graphic style
+in which his descriptions abound, stamp this as one of the most excellent of his many
+successful novels."</p>
+
+<p>Price for the complete work, in two volumes, in paper cover, One Dollar only; or a
+finer edition, printed on thicker and better paper, and handsomely bound in one volume,
+muslin, gilt, is published for One Dollar and Twenty-five Cents.</p>
+
+<p>Copies of either edition of the work will be sent to any person at all, to any part of
+the United States, free of postage, on their remitting the price of the edition they wish
+to the publisher, in a letter, post-paid. Published and for sale by</p>
+
+<p style='margin-bottom:1em;'>
+&nbsp;<span style='position:absolute; right:15%;'>T. B. PETERSON,</span><br />
+  <span style='position:absolute; right:10%;'><b>No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.</b></span><br />
+</p>
+<hr class='chapter' />
+
+<h3><span style="font-size:200%;font-family:sans-serif;">THE INITIALS:</span><br />
+A STORY OF MODERN LIFE.</h3>
+<hr class='small' />
+
+<p class='center'>Complete in two vols., paper cover, Price One Dollar; or
+bound in one vol., cloth. Price One Dollar and
+Twenty-Five Cents a copy.</p>
+<hr class='small' />
+
+<p>T. B. PETERSON, NO. 102 CHESTNUT STREET, PHILADELPHIA,
+has just published this celebrated and world-renowned work. It will be
+found on perusal to be one of the best, as it is one of the most celebrated
+works ever published in the English language, and will live, and continue
+to be read for generations to come, and rank by the side of Sir
+Walter Scott's celebrated novels.</p>
+
+<h3>READ THE TABLE OF CONTENTS</h3>
+
+<div style='width:100%;'>
+<table style='float:left;width:48%;' summary='advertisement'>
+<tr><td class='r' style='width:5em;'>I.</td><td>The Letter.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>II.</td><td>The Initials</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>III.</td><td>A. Z.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>IV.</td><td>A Walk of no common Description.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>V.</td><td>An Alp.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>VI.</td><td>Secularized Cloisters.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>VII.</td><td>An Excursion, and Return to the Secularized Cloisters.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>VIII.</td><td>An Alpine Party.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>IX.</td><td>Salzburg.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>X.</td><td>The Return to Munich.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XI.</td><td>The Betrothal.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XII.</td><td>Domestic Details.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XIII.</td><td>A Truce.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XIV.</td><td>A New Way to Learn German.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XV.</td><td>The October Fete. A Lesson on Propriety of Conduct.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XVI.</td><td>The Au Fair. The Supper.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XVII.</td><td>Lovers' Quarrels.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XVIII.</td><td>The Churchyard.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XIX.</td><td>German Soup.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XX.</td><td>The Warning.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XXI.</td><td>The Struggle.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XXII.</td><td>The Departure.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XXIII.</td><td>The Long Day.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XXIV.</td><td>The Christmas Tree, and Midnight Mass.</td></tr>
+</table>
+<br />
+<table style='width:48%;' summary='advertisement'>
+<tr><td class='r' style='width:5em;'>XXV.</td><td>The Garret.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XXVI.</td><td>The Discussion.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XXVII.</td><td>The Sledge.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XXVIII.</td><td>A Ball at the Museum Club.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XXIX.</td><td>A Day of Freedom.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XXX.</td><td>The Masquerade.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XXXI.</td><td>Where is the Bridegroom?</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XXXII.</td><td>The Wedding at Troisieme.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XXXIII.</td><td>A Change.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XXXIV.</td><td>The Arrangement.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XXXV.</td><td>The Difficulty Removed.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XXXVI.</td><td>The Iron Works.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XXXVII.</td><td>An Unexpected Meeting, and its Consequences.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'> XXXVIII.</td><td>The Experiment.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XXXIX.</td><td>The Recall.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XL.</td><td>Hohenfels.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XLI.</td><td>The Scheiben-Schiessen, (Target Shooting-Match.)</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XLII.</td><td>A Discourse.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XLIII.</td><td>Another kind of Discourse.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XLIV.</td><td>The Journey Home Commences.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XLV.</td><td>What occurred at the Hotel D'Angle-terre in Frankfort.</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XLVI.</td><td>Halt!</td></tr>
+<tr><td class='r'>XLVII.</td><td>Conclusion.</td></tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+
+<p style='clear:both;'>Copies of either edition of the work will be sent to any person, to any
+part of the United States, <i>free of postage</i>, on their remitting the price of
+the edition they may wish, to the publisher, in a letter.</p>
+
+<p style='margin-bottom:1em;'>
+Published and for sale by<span style='position:absolute; right:15%;'>T. B. PETERSON,</span><br />
+  <span style='position:absolute; right:10%;'><b>No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.</b></span><br />
+</p>
+<p><b>To whom all Orders should be addressed, post-paid.</b></p>
+
+
+<hr class='chapter' />
+
+<p class='center'><span style="font-size:larger">&#9758;</span>
+Read the Notices of the Press below.<span style="font-size:larger;">&#9756;</span> </p>
+<hr class='small' />
+
+<h3><span style="font-size:200%;">CLARA MORELAND.</span></h3>
+
+
+<h4>BY EMERSON BENNETT.<br />
+<span style="font-size:smaller">Price Fifty Cents in Paper Cover; or, One Dollar in Cloth, Gilt.</span></h4>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p class='center'>READ THE FOLLOWING OPINIONS OF THE PRESS.</p>
+
+<p>"This is decidedly the best novel Mr. Bennett has written. He tells his story well,
+and while leading the reader over the prairies of Texas into the haunts of the wild
+Indians, or among the equally savage bands of lawless men, that once were the terror
+of that country; he presents the remarkable transitions in the fortunes of his hero, in
+a manner which, though often startling, are yet within the bounds of probability. His
+dialogue is good, growing easily out of the situation and condition of the interlocutors,
+and presenting occasionally, especially in response, an epigrammatic poise, that is
+worthy of all praise. The plot abounds with adventure, and presents many scenes of
+startling interest, while the denouement is such as to amply satisfy the most fastidious
+reader's ideas of poetical justice. We would add a few words of praise for the excellent
+style in which this book is gotten up. It is well printed on good paper, and bound in a
+manner to correspond with the quality of its typography."&mdash;<i>Arthur's Home Gazette.</i></p>
+
+<p>"This is the best of Mr. Bennett's books. It is a brilliant and thrilling production,
+and will particularly interest all who love to read of life in the West and South-West.
+A love story runs through the volume, lending grace and finish to it. Mr. Peterson has
+issued the book in very handsome style; the type is new and of honest size, the binding
+is strong and pretty, the paper is firm and white, and the embellishments are eminently
+creditable. Clara Moreland should command a large sale."&mdash;<i>Philadelphia City Item.</i></p>
+
+<p>"On looking more carefully through this racy, spirited narrative of thrilling scenes
+and well-told adventures, we meet with beauties that escape a casual observation. Mr.
+Bennett is a keen discoverer of character, and paints his portraits so true to nature as
+to carry the reader with him through all his wild wanderings and with unabated
+interest. The author of 'Clara Moreland' takes rank among the most popular American
+novelists, and aided by the great energy of his publisher is fast becoming a general
+favorite."&mdash;<i>McMackin's Model Saturday Courier.</i></p>
+
+<p>"Emerson Bennett has written some very creditable productions. This is one of his
+longest, and is well received. Mr. Bennett is a favorite author with Western readers.
+It is illustrated and well printed."&mdash;<i>Philadelphia Dollar Newspaper.</i></p>
+
+<p>"It is a tale of wild border life and exciting incident, bustle, and turmoil."&mdash;<i>Philadelphia
+North American.</i></p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Bennett is, in some measure, a new man in this section of the universe, and, as
+such, our reading public are bound to give him a cordial greeting, not only for this, but
+for the sake of that wide-spread popularity which he has achieved in the mighty West,
+and more especially for the intrinsic excellence that distinguishes his glowing, brilliant
+productions, of which 'Clara Moreland' may be pronounced the best."&mdash;<i>Philadelphia
+Saturday Courier.</i></p>
+
+<p>"This work is of the most exciting character, and will be enjoyed by all who have a
+cultivated taste."&mdash;<i>Baltimore Sun.</i></p>
+
+<p>"The scene of this interesting Romance lies in Texas before or during the late war
+with Mexico. It is written with a great deal of spirit; it abounds in stirring incidents
+and adventures, has a good love-plot interwoven with it, and is in many respects a
+faithful representation of Life in the Far South-West. Mr. Bennett is destined to great
+popularity, especially at the South and West. His publisher has issued this book in a
+very handsome style."&mdash;<i>Philadelphia Evening Bulletin.</i></p>
+
+<p>"This is a thrilling story of frontier life, full of incident, and graphically sketched.
+It is published in a good style."&mdash;<i>Philadelphia Public Ledger.</i></p>
+
+<p>"This is a spirited narrative of stirring scenes, by Emerson Bennett. Those who love
+daring adventure and hair-breadth escapes will find it an engaging book."&mdash;<i>Detroit,
+Mich., Paper.</i></p>
+
+<p>"It is a thrilling narrative of South-Western adventure, illustrated by numerous
+engravings."&mdash;<i>Detroit, Mich., Paper.</i></p>
+
+<p>"It is a wondrous story of thrilling adventures and hair-breadth escapes, the scene
+of which is laid in the South-West. The book is illustrated with engravings representing
+some of the exciting events narrated by the writer."&mdash;<i>Detroit, Mich., Paper.</i></p>
+
+<p>"It is a work replete with stirring adventure. Romance, incident, and accident, are
+blended together so as to form a highly interesting work of 334 pages."&mdash;<i>New York
+Picayune.</i></p>
+
+<p style='margin-bottom:1em;'>
+Published and for sale by<span style='position:absolute; right:15%;'>T. B. PETERSON,</span><br />
+  <span style='position:absolute; right:10%;'><b>No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.</b></span><br />
+</p>
+<hr class='chapter' />
+
+<h3><span style="font-size:larger;">WILD OATS SOWN ABROAD;</span><br />
+<span style="font-size:66%;">OR,</span><br />
+ON AND OFF SOUNDINGS,</h3>
+
+<h4>BY A GENTLEMEN OF LEISURE.</h4>
+
+<p class='center'><b>A NEW AND EXQUISITELY ORIGINAL WORK.<br />
+Have you read it? If not, then do so.<br />
+Price Fifty Cents in Paper; or Seventy Five Cents in Cloth.</b></p>
+
+<p>Wild Oats Sown Abroad is a splendid work. It is the Private Journal
+of a Gentleman of Leisure and Education, and of a highly cultivated mind,
+in making the Tour of Europe. It is having a sale unprecedented in the
+annals of literature, for nothing equal to it in spiciness, vivacity, and real
+scenes and observations in daily travel, has ever appeared from the press.</p>
+
+<div style='width:100%; position:relative;'>
+<p class='center'>TABLE OF CONTENTS OF THIS EXTRAORDINARY WORK.</p>
+
+<ul style='font-size:smaller;margin-top:0;width:32%;float:left;'>
+	<li>Opening the Journal.</li>
+	<li>Adventure in search of Ruin.</li>
+	<li>Parting Tribute to Love.</li>
+	<li>Three Desperate Days!</li>
+	<li>The Poetry of Sea-Sickness.</li>
+	<li>The Red Flannel Night-Cap.</li>
+	<li>A Ship by Moonlight.</li>
+	<li>Arrival in London.</li>
+	<li>The Parks of London.</li>
+	<li>Poet's Corner, Westminster Abbey.</li>
+	<li>England's Monuments.</li>
+	<li>Madame Tussaud's Wax Works.</li>
+	<li>The "Beauties" of Hampton Court.</li>
+	<li>Love and Philosophy.</li>
+	<li>"Love's Labor Lost."</li>
+	<li>A Peep at "The Shades."</li>
+	<li>The Modern "Aspasia."</li>
+	<li>Noble Plea for Matrimony.</li>
+	<li>The Lily on the Shore.</li>
+	<li>English Mother and American Daughter.</li>
+	<li>The "Maid of Normandie."</li>
+	<li>An Effecting Scene.</li>
+	<li>"Paris est un Artist."</li>
+	<li>The Guillotine.</li>
+	<li>"Give us Another!"</li>
+	<li>Post Mortem Reflections.</li>
+	<li>Fashionable Criticism.</li>
+	<li>Whiskey Punch and Logic.</li>
+	<li>"Shylock asks for Justice!"</li>
+	<li>"Lorette" and "Grisette."</li>
+	<li>Kissing Day.</li>
+	<li>The Tattoo.</li>
+	<li>The Masked Ball.</li>
+	<li>The Incognita.</li>
+	<li>The Charms of Paris.</li>
+	<li>Changing Horses.</li>
+</ul><ul style='font-size:smaller;width:32%;margin-top:0;float:left;'>
+	<li>A View in Lyons.</li>
+	<li>Avignon&mdash;Petrarch and Laura.</li>
+	<li>Our First Ruin.</li>
+	<li>The Unconscious Blessing.</li>
+	<li>A Crash and a Wreck.</li>
+	<li>The Railroad of Life.</li>
+	<li>A Night Adventure.</li>
+	<li>"The Gods take care of Cato."</li>
+	<li>The Triumphs of Neptune.</li>
+	<li>The Marquisi's Foot.</li>
+	<li>Beauties of Naples Bay.</li>
+	<li>Natural History of the Lazaroni.</li>
+	<li>The True Venus.</li>
+	<li>Love and Devotion.</li>
+	<li>The Mortality of Pompeii.</li>
+	<li>Procession of the Host.</li>
+	<li>The Ascent of Vesuvius.</li>
+	<li>The Mountain Emetic.</li>
+	<li>The Human Projectile.</li>
+	<li>The City of the Soul.</li>
+	<li>The Coup de Main.</li>
+	<li>Night in the Coliseum!</li>
+	<li>Catholicity Considered.</li>
+	<li>Power Passing Away!</li>
+	<li>Byron Among the Ruins.</li>
+	<li>A Gossip with the Artists.</li>
+	<li>Speaking Gems.</li>
+	<li>"Weep for Adonis!"</li>
+	<li>The Lady and the God.</li>
+	<li>The Science of Psalmistry.</li>
+	<li>"Sour Grapes."</li>
+	<li>A Ramble about Tivoli.</li>
+	<li>Illumination of St. Peter's.</li>
+	<li>The "Niobe of Nations."</li>
+	<li>A Ghostly Scene!</li>
+	<li>"Honi soit qui mal y pense."</li>
+	<li>A "Ball" without Music.</li>
+</ul><ul style='font-size:smaller;margin-top:0;width:32%;float:right;'>
+	<li>Abelard and Heloise.</li>
+	<li>Scenes on the Road.</li>
+	<li>The "Tug of War."</li>
+	<li>"There they are, by Jove!"</li>
+	<li>The Raven-Haired One!</li>
+	<li>Heaven and Hell!</li>
+	<li>The "Hamlet" of Sculpture.</li>
+	<li>The Modern Susannah.</li>
+	<li>Hey, Presto! Change!</li>
+	<li>The Death Scene of Cleopatra.</li>
+	<li>An Eulogy on Tuscany.</li>
+	<li>A Real Claude Sunset.</li>
+	<li>Tasso and Byron.</li>
+	<li>The Shocking Team!</li>
+	<li>Floatings in Venice.</li>
+	<li>The Venetian Girls.</li>
+	<li>The Bell-Crowned Hat!</li>
+	<li>The "Lion's Mouth."</li>
+	<li>The "Bridge of Sighs!"</li>
+	<li>A Subterranean Fete!</li>
+	<li>Byron and Moore in Venice.</li>
+	<li>Diana and Endymion.</li>
+	<li>The Pinch of Snuff.</li>
+	<li>The Rock-Crystal Coffin!</li>
+	<li>Eccentricity of Art.</li>
+	<li>Thoughts in a Monastery.</li>
+	<li>The Lake of Como.</li>
+	<li>Immortal Drummer Boy.</li>
+	<li>Wit, and its Reward!</li>
+	<li>The Cold Bath.</li>
+	<li>"Here we are!"</li>
+	<li>The Mountain Expose.</li>
+	<li>The "Last Rose of Summer."</li>
+	<li>Waking the Echoes.</li>
+	<li>Watching the Avalanche.</li>
+	<li>A Beautiful Incident.</li>
+	<li>A Shot with the Long Bow.</li>
+	<li>Mt. Blanc and a full stop.</li>
+</ul>
+</div>
+
+<p style='clear:both;'>Price for the complete work, in paper cover, Fifty cents a copy only; or
+handsomely bound in muslin, gilt, for Seventy-Five cents.</p>
+
+<p>Copies of either edition of the work will be sent to any person at all, to
+any part of the United States, free of postage, on their remitting the price
+of the edition they wish, to the publisher, in a letter, post paid.</p>
+
+<p style='margin-bottom:1em;'>
+Published and for sale by<span style='position:absolute; right:15%;'>T. B. PETERSON,</span><br />
+  <span style='position:absolute; right:10%;'><b>No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.</b></span><br />
+</p>
+
+<hr class='chapter' />
+
+<h3><span style="font-size:200%;">T. B. PETERSON'S</span><br />
+WHOLESALE AND RETAIL</h3>
+
+<p class='center'>Cheap Book, Magazine, Newspaper, Publishing
+and Bookselling Establishment, is at<br />
+<b>No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.</b></p>
+<hr class='small' />
+
+<p>T. B. PETERSON has the satisfaction to announce to the public, that he has removed
+to the new and spacious BROWN STONE BUILDING, NO. 102 CHESTNUT STREET,
+just completed by the city authorities on the Girard Estate, known as the most central
+and best situation in the city of Philadelphia. As it is the Model Book Store of the
+Country, we will describe it: It is the largest, most spacious, and best arranged Retail
+and Wholesale Cheap Book and Publishing Establishment in the United States. It is
+built, by the Girard Estate, of Connecticut sand-stone, in a richly ornamental style.
+The whole front of the lower story, except that taken up by the doorway, is occupied by
+two large plate glass windows, a single plate to each window, costing together over three
+thousand dollars. On entering and looking up, you find above you a ceiling sixteen
+feet high; while, on gazing before, you perceive a vista of One Hundred and Fifty-Seven
+feet. The retail counters extend back for eighty feet, and, being double, afford counter-room
+of One Hundred and Sixty feet in length. There is also <i>over Three Thousand feet
+of shelving in the retail part of the store alone</i>. This part is devoted to the retail business,
+and as it is the most spacious in the country, furnishes also the best and largest
+assortment of all kinds of books to be found in the country. It is fitted up in the most
+superb style; the shelvings are all painted in Florence white, with gilded cornices for
+the book shelves.</p>
+
+<p>Behind the retail part of the store, at about ninety feet from the entrance, is the
+counting-room, twenty feet square, railed neatly off, and surmounted by a most beautiful
+dome of stained glass. In the rear of this is the wholesale and packing department,
+extending a further distance of about sixty feet, with desks and packing counters for the
+establishment, etc., etc. All goods are received and shipped from the back of the store,
+having a fine avenue on the side of Girard Bank for the purpose, leading out to Third
+Street, so as not to interfere with and block up the front of the store on Chestnut Street.
+The cellar, of the entire depth of the store, is filled with printed copies of Mr. Peterson's
+own publications, printed from his own stereotype plates, of which he generally keeps
+on hand an edition of a thousand each, making a stock, of his own publications alone,
+of over three hundred thousand volumes, constantly on hand.</p>
+
+<p>T. B. PETERSON is warranted in saying, that he is able to offer such inducements
+to the Trade, and all others, to favor him with their orders, as cannot be excelled by any
+book establishment in the country. In proof of this, T. B. PETERSON begs leave to
+refer to his great facilities of getting stock of all kinds, his dealing direct with all the
+Publishing Houses in the country, and also to his own long list of Publications, consisting
+of the best and most popular productions of the most talented authors of the United
+States and Great Britain, and to his very extensive stock, embracing every work, new or
+old, published in the United States.</p>
+
+<p>T. B. PETERSON will be most happy to supply all orders for any books at all, no
+matter by whom published, in advance of all others, and at publishers' lowest cash
+prices. He respectfully invites Country Merchants, Booksellers, Pedlars, Canvassers,
+Agents, the Trade, Strangers in the city, and the public generally, to call and examine
+his extensive collection of cheap and standard publications of all kinds, comprising a
+most magnificent collection of CHEAP BOOKS, MAGAZINES, NOVELS, STANDARD
+and POPULAR WORKS of all kinds, BIBLES, PRAYER BOOKS, ANNUALS, GIFT
+BOOKS, ILLUSTRATED WORKS, ALBUMS and JUVENILE WORKS of all kinds,
+GAMES of all kinds, to suit all ages, tastes, etc., which he is selling to his customers
+and the public at much lower prices than they can be purchased elsewhere. Being located
+at No. 102 CHESTNUT Street, the great thoroughfare of the city, and BUYING
+his stock outright in large quantities, and not selling on commission, he can and will
+sell them on such terms as will defy all competition. Call and examine our stock, you
+will find it to be the best, largest and cheapest in the city; and you will also be sure to
+find all the <i>best, latest, popular, and cheapest works</i> published in this country or elsewhere,
+for sale at the lowest prices.</p>
+
+<p>&#9758; Call in person and examine our stock, or send your orders <i>by mail direct</i>, to the
+CHEAP BOOKSELLING and PUBLISHING ESTABLISHMENT of</p>
+
+
+<p style='margin-bottom:1em;'>
+&nbsp;<span style='position:absolute; right:15%;'>T. B. PETERSON,</span><br />
+  <span style='position:absolute; right:10%;'><b>No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.</b></span><br />
+</p>
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's The Humors of Falconbridge, by Jonathan F. Kelley
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+</pre>
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+</body>
+</html>
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+Project Gutenberg's The Humors of Falconbridge, by Jonathan F. Kelley
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Humors of Falconbridge
+       A Collection of Humorous and Every Day Scenes
+
+Author: Jonathan F. Kelley
+
+Release Date: November 15, 2009 [EBook #30480]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Irma Spehar, David Cortesi and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE
+
+This etext differs from the original in the following ways. Some missing
+periods have been inserted. The original used "some how" and "somehow"
+about equally; all have been changed to "somehow." The OE ligature, used
+several times, is shown as [oe]. In the advertisements at the end of the
+book, uses of the pointing-hand symbols (Unicode #9758, White Right
+Pointing Index, and Unicode #9756, White Left Pointing Index) have been
+replaced with the right (") and left (") double-angle symbols from the
+ISO 8859-1 character set. Finally, evident typographical errors have
+been corrected as follows:
+
+  someting > something, p. 63
+  catankerous > cantankerous, p. 71
+  veloscipeding > velocipeding, p. 99
+  who'se > who's, p. 99
+  turkies > turkeys, p. 110
+  potatoe > potato, p. 121
+  knowlege > knowledge, p. 155
+  lagest > largest, p. 177
+  pass > past, p. 190
+  develope > develop, p. 249
+  ot > not, p. 257
+  governer > governor, p. 257
+  handerchief > handkerchief, p. 261
+  poverity > poverty, p. 279
+  reconnoissances > reconnaissances, p. 281
+  himsesf > himself, p. 288
+  peaking > peeking, p. 311
+  sponser > sponsor, p. 313
+  aspsrations > aspirations, p. 336
+  mortaged > mortgaged, p. 376
+  woful > woeful, p. 400
+  domicils > domiciles, p. 400
+  Amercian > American, p. 409
+  lubago > lumbago, p. 412
+  somethiug > something, p. 420
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Go--goo--good Lord-d d! Ho--ho--hol--hold on!" "O, yeez
+needn't be afear'd of that--I'm howldin' yeez tight as a divil!"--_Page_
+92.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+                 HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "Are you de man advertised for de dogs, sa-a-ay? You
+needn't be afraid o' dem; come a'here, lay down, Balty--day's de dogs,
+mister, vot you read of!" "Ain't they rather fierce," responded the
+rural sportsman, eyeing the ugly brutes. "Fierce? Better believe dey
+are--show 'em a f-f-ight, if you want to see 'em go in for de chances!
+You want to see der teeth?"--_Page_ 136.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+                           THE
+
+                 HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE:
+
+                     A COLLECTION OF
+              HUMOROUS AND EVERY DAY SCENES.
+
+                            BY
+
+                   JONATHAN F. KELLEY.
+
+                      Philadelphia:
+             T. B. PETERSON, No. 102 CHESTNUT STREET.
+
+               [Library stamp: Univ. of California]
+
+     Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1856, by
+
+                      T. B. PETERSON,
+
+  In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States,
+         in and for the Eastern District of Pennsylvania.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+                        TO
+              ISAAC S. CLOUGH, ESQ.,
+                OF MASSACHUSETTS,
+
+   AS A SLIGHT TOKEN OF MY REGARDS FOR YOUR JUST
+            APPRECIATION OF A GOOD THING,
+
+                  AS WELL AS FOR
+
+  YOUR RARE GOOD SOCIAL WIT AND AGREEABLE QUALITIES;
+
+                 AND MORE THAN ALL,
+
+  FOR YOUR GENEROUS SPIRIT AND WELL-TESTED FRIENDSHIP,
+
+              I DO WITH SINCERE PLEASURE,
+
+     Dedicate unto you this Volume of my Sketches.
+
+                           FRATERNALLY YOURS,
+
+                                        FALCONBRIDGE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF THE LATE JONATHAN F. KELLY.
+
+
+The life of a literary man offers but few points upon which even the
+pens of his professional brethren can dwell, with the hope of exciting
+interest among that large and constantly increasing class who have a
+taste for books. The career of the soldier may be colored by the hues of
+romantic adventure; the politician may leave a legacy to history, which
+it would be ingratitude not to notice; but what triumphs or matters of
+exciting moment can reasonably be hoped for in the short existence of
+one who has merely been a writer for the press? After death has stilled
+the pulses of a generous man such as Mr. Kelly was, it is with small
+anticipation of rendering a satisfactory return, that any one can
+undertake to sketch the principal events of his life.
+
+It is, perhaps, a matter for felicitation that Mr. Kelly has been his
+own autobiographer. His narratives and recitals are nearly all personal.
+They are mostly the results of his own observation and experience; and
+those who, in accordance with a practice we fear now too little attended
+to, read the Preface before the body of the work, will, we trust,
+understand that the stories in which "Falconbridge" claims to have been
+an actor, are to be received with as much confidence as truthful
+accounts, as if some Boswell treasured them up with care, and minutely
+detailed them for the admiration of those who should follow after him.
+
+Jonathan F. Kelly was born in Philadelphia, on the 14th day of August,
+A. D. 1817. Young Jonathan was, at the proper age, placed at school,
+where he acquired the rudiments of a plain English education, sufficient
+to enable him, with the practice and experience to be gained in the
+world, to improve the advantages derived from his tuition. He was, while
+yet a boy, placed for a time in a grocery store, and subsequently was
+employed by Lewis W. Glenn, a perfumer, whose place of business was then
+in Third street above Walnut.
+
+In 1837, Jonathan, being of the age of nineteen years, determined to go
+out into the world to seek adventure and fortune. He accordingly set out
+for that great region to which attention was then turned--the Western
+country. Having but slight means to pay the expenses of traveling, he
+walked nearly the whole of the journey. At Chillicothe, in Ohio, his
+wanderings were for a time ended. The exposure to which he had been
+subjected, caused a very severe attack of pleurisy. It happened most
+fortunately for him that a kind farmer, Mr. John A. Harris, pitied the
+boy; whose sprightliness, social accomplishments, and good conduct, had
+made a favorable impression. He was taken into Mr. Harris' family, and
+assiduously nursed during an indisposition which lasted more than two
+months. This circumstance appeased his roving disposition for a time,
+and he remained upon the farm of his good friend, Mr. Harris, for two
+years, making himself practically acquainted with the life and toils of
+an agriculturist. In 1839, he concluded to return to Philadelphia, where
+he remained for a time with his family. But the spirit of adventure
+returned. He connected himself with a theatrical company, and traveling
+through Delaware, Maryland, and Virginia, was finally checked in his
+career at Pittsburg, where he undertook the management of a hotel. This
+business not being congenial, he soon sold out the establishment, and
+returned to Philadelphia. He shortly afterwards started away on a
+theatrical tour, which extended through most of the Southern States, and
+into Texas. In this tour, Mr. Kelly went through a great variety of
+adventures, saw many strange scenes, and obtained a fund of amusing
+experience, which afterward served him to great advantage in his
+literary sketches. After having thoroughly exhausted his roving desires,
+he returned to Philadelphia, where, indeed, upon his previous visit, he
+had become subject to a new attraction, the most powerful which could be
+found to restrain his wandering impulses. He had become acquainted with
+a worthy young lady, to whom, upon his return, and in the year 1842, he
+was married.
+
+This union changed the thoughts and objects of Mr. Kelly. His wild,
+bachelor life was over; and he seriously considered how it was possible
+for him who had been educated to no regular business, to find the means
+of support for himself and family. Believing himself to have some
+literary capacity, he was induced to go to Pittsburg, in order to
+commence a newspaper in partnership with U. J. Jones. This enterprise
+was not a successful one, and with his companion he went to Cincinnati,
+where he enlisted in another newspaper speculation. The result of that
+attempt was equally unpropitious. Dissolving their interests, Mr. Kelly
+then removed with his family to New York. Here he commenced a journal
+devoted to theatrical and musical criticism, and intelligence, entitled
+"The Archer." Mr. J. W. Taylor was a partner with him in the
+publication. The twain also engaged in the fancy business, having a
+store in Broadway, above Grand street. The adventure there not being
+very successful, the partnership in that branch of their concern was
+dissolved, and Mr. Kelly commenced a book and periodical store nearly
+opposite. This was about the year 1844. "The Archer" was soon after
+discontinued, and Mr. K. returned to Philadelphia. About this time he
+commenced writing contributions for various newspapers, under the
+signature of "Falconbridge." His essays in this line, which were
+published in the "New York Spirit of the Times," were received with much
+favor, and widely copied by the press throughout the country. The
+reputation thus attained, was such that he found himself in a fair way
+to make a lucrative and pleasant livelihood. His sketches were in
+demand, and were readily sold, whilst the prices were remunerative, and
+enabled him to attain a degree of domestic comfort which he had before
+that time not known. From Philadelphia he removed to Boston, where he
+hoped to find permanent employment as an editor. During six months he
+relied upon the sale of his sketches, and again returned to New York,
+from which he was recalled by an advantageous offer from Paige & Davis,
+if he would undertake the control of "The Bostonian." He filled the
+editorial chair of that paper for two years, when it was discontinued.
+He had now plenty to do, and was constantly engaged upon sketches for
+the "Yankee Blade," "The N. Y. Spirit of the Times," and many other
+journals and magazines, adopting the signatures, "Falconbridge," "Jack
+Humphries," "O. K.," "Cerro Gordo," "J. F. K.," etc. During this time he
+projected "The Aurora Borealis," which was published in Boston. It was
+really one of the most handsome and humorous journals ever commenced in
+the United States, but it was very expensive. After some months' trial,
+"The Aurora Borealis" was abandoned. Mr. Kelly remained in Boston as a
+general literary contributor to various journals until, in 1851, he was
+induced to undertake the management of a paper at Waltham, Mass.,
+entitled "The Waltham Advocate." This enterprise, after six months
+trial, did not offer sufficient inducements to continue it, and Mr.
+Kelly returned with his family to Boston. Whilst in that city, he had
+the misfortune to lose his eldest son, a fine promising boy about five
+years and four months old; he died after a sickness of between two and
+three days. Mr. Kelly was a kind and excellent husband, and affectionate
+father. He doted on his child; and the loss so preyed upon his spirits,
+that it produced a brooding melancholy, which he predicted would
+eventually cause his death. After this time, General Samuel Houston, of
+Texas, made him very advantageous and liberal offers if he would
+establish himself in that State. He left Boston for the purpose, but was
+detained in Philadelphia by the sickness of another favorite child.
+Whilst thus delayed, a proposal was made him to undertake the editorship
+of "The New York Dutchman." He remained in that position about four
+months, when still more advantageous offers were tendered him to conduct
+"The Great West," published at Cincinnati. In September, 1854, he
+reached that city, and entered upon his duties. He continued in the
+discharge of them about four months. In the meanwhile, he had become
+associated with the American party; and induced by those promises which
+politicians make freely, and perform rarely, he left the journal to
+which he was attached, to establish a paper entitled "The American
+Platform." But two numbers of this effort were published. Whilst his
+writings were lively and flowing, he was sick at heart. The loss of his
+son still weighed on his mind, and he was an easy prey to pestilence. He
+was attacked by Asiatic cholera; and died on the 21st of July, 1855,
+after twenty-four hours' illness, leaving a widow and three children to
+mourn his early death. His remains were deposited in Spring Grove
+Cemetery. There rests beneath the soil of that beautiful garden of the
+dead, no form whose impulses in life were more honest, generous, and
+noble, than those which guided the actions of Jonathan F. Kelly.
+
+The writer of this short biography, who only knew Mr. Kelly by his
+literary works, and whose narrative has been made up from the
+information of friends, feels that he would scarcely discharge the duty
+he has assumed, without a few words of reflection upon the fitful
+career so slightly traced. For the useful purpose of life, it may well
+be doubted whether a dull, plodding disposition is not more certain of
+success, than lively, impulsive genius. Perseverance in any one calling,
+with a steady determination to turn aside for no collateral inducements,
+and a patience which does not become discouraged at the first
+disappointment, is necessary to the ultimate prosperity of every man.
+The newspaper business is one which particularly requires constant
+application, a determination to do the best in the present, and a firm
+reliance upon success in the future. There is scarcely a journal or
+newspaper in the United States, which has succeeded without passing
+through severe ordeals, whilst the slow public were determining whether
+it should be patronized, or waiting to discover whether it is likely to
+become permanently established. Mr. Kelly's wanderings in early life
+seem to have tinctured his later career with the hue of instability.
+Ever, it would seem, ready to enlist in any new enterprise, he was led
+to abandon those occupations, which, if persevered in, would probably
+have been triumphant. His life was a constant series of changes, in
+which ill-luck seems to have continually triumphed, because ill-luck was
+not sufficiently striven with. In all these mutations, it will be the
+solace of those who knew and loved him, that however his judgment may
+have led him astray from worldly advantage, his heart was always
+constant to his family. Affectionate and generous in disposition, he was
+true to them; and he persevered in laboring for them under every
+disadvantage. Altering his position--at times an editor--at times an
+assistant-editor--anon changing his business as new hopes were roused
+in his bosom--and then being a mere writer, depending upon the sale of
+his fugitive sketches for the means of support--in all these experiments
+with Fortune, he was ever true to the fond spirit which gently ruled at
+home. For the great purposes, and high moral lessons of existence, a
+faithful, constant heart has a wealth richer and more bountiful than can
+be bought with gold.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+                                                              PAGE
+
+  If it ain't Right, I'll make it all Right in the Morning,     33
+  Don't you believe in 'em,                                     37
+  The old Black Bull,                                           38
+  Dobbs makes "a Pint,"                                         42
+  Used up,                                                      43
+  The greatest Moral Engine,                                    50
+  The Story of Capt. Paul,                                      51
+  Hereditary Complaints,                                        58
+  Nights with the Caucusers,                                    59
+  Affecting Cruelty,                                            64
+  The Wolf Slayer,                                              65
+  The Man that knew 'em All,                                    74
+  A severe Spell of Sickness,                                   79
+  The Race of the Aldermen,                                     80
+  Getting Square,                                               85
+  People do differ,                                             89
+  Bill Whiffletree's Dental Experience,                         90
+  A-a-a-in't they Thick?                                        96
+  A desperate Race,                                            101
+  Dodging the Responsibility,                                  107
+  A Night Adventure in Prairie Land,                           108
+  Roosting Out,                                                114
+  Rather Twangy,                                               119
+  Passing around the Fodder,                                   120
+  A Hint to Soyer,                                             123
+  The Leg of Mutton,                                           124
+  A Chapter on Misers,                                         129
+  Dog Day,                                                     133
+  Amateur Gardening,                                           138
+  The two Johns at the Tremont,                                139
+  The Yankee in a Boarding School,                             144
+  A dreadful State of Excitement,                              149
+  Ralph Waldo Emerson,                                         154
+  Humbug,                                                      158
+  Hotel keeping,                                               159
+  "According to Gunter,"                                       164
+  Quartering upon Friends,                                     165
+  Jake Hinkle's Failings,                                      174
+  What's going to Happen,                                      176
+  The Washerwoman's Windfall,                                  177
+  We don't Wonder at it,                                       181
+  Old Maguire and his Horse Bonny Doon,                        182
+  Getting into the "Right Pew,"                                187
+  A circuitous Route,                                          192
+  Major Blink's first Season at Saratoga,                      193
+  Old Jack Ringbolt,                                           198
+  Who killed Capt. Walker?                                     199
+  Practical Philosophy,                                        203
+  Borrowed Finery; or, killed off by a Ballet Girl,            204
+  Legal Advice,                                                209
+  Wonders of the Day,                                          213
+  "Don't know you, Sir!"                                       214
+  A circumlocutory Egg Pedler,                                 219
+  Jolly old Times,                                             223
+  The Pigeon Express Man,                                      224
+  Jipson's great Dinner Party,                                 229
+  Look out for them Lobsters,                                  236
+  The Fitzfaddles at Hull,                                     241
+  Putting me on a Platform!                                    247
+  The exorbitancy of Meanness,                                 251
+  "Taking down" a Sheriff,                                     252
+  Governor Mifflin's First Coal Fire,                          257
+  Sure Cure,                                                   261
+  Chasing a fugitive Subscriber,                               262
+  Ambition,                                                    266
+  Way the Women fixed the Tale-bearer,                         267
+  Penalty of kissing your own Wife,                            272
+  Mysteries and Miseries of Housekeeping,                      274
+  Miseries of a Dandy,                                         279
+  A juvenile Joe Miller,                                       284
+  "Selling" a Landlord,                                        285
+  Scientific Labor,                                            288
+  Who was that poor Woman?                                     289
+  Infirmities of Nature,                                       293
+  Andrew Jackson and his Mother,                               294
+  Snaking out Sturgeons,                                       299
+  Mixing Meanings--Mangling English,                           301
+  Waking up the wrong Passenger,                               302
+  Genius for Business,                                         306
+  Have you got any old Boots?                                  307
+  The Vagaries of Nature,                                      312
+  A general disquisition on "Hinges,"                          317
+  Miseries of Bachelorhood,                                    321
+  The Science of Diddling,                                     322
+  The re-union; Thanksgiving Story,                            324
+  Cabbage _vs._ Men,                                           330
+  Wanted--A young Man from the Country,                        331
+  Presence of Mind,                                            336
+  The Skipper's Schooner,                                      337
+  Philosophy of the Times,                                     340
+  The Emperor and the Poor Author,                             341
+  The bigger fool, the better Luck,                            352
+  An active Settlement,                                        356
+  A Yankee in a Pork-house,                                    357
+  German Caution,                                              361
+  Ben. McConachy's great Dog Sell,                             362
+  The Perils of Wealth,                                        367
+  Nursing a Legacy,                                            372
+  The Troubles of a Mover,                                     377
+  The Question Settled,                                        382
+  How it's done at the Astor House,                            383
+  The Advertisement,                                           387
+  Incidents in a Fortune-hunter's Life,                        400
+  A Distinction with a Difference,                             408
+  Pills and Persimmons,                                        409
+  Mysteries and Miseries of the Life of a City Editor,         414
+  The Tribulations of Incivility,                              415
+  The Broomstick Marriage,                                     420
+  Appearances are Deceitful,                                   427
+  Cigar Smoke,                                                 431
+  An everlasting tall Duel,                                    432
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+           THE HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+If it ain't right, I'll make it all right in the Morning!
+
+
+A keen, genteely dressed, gentlemanly man "put up" at Beltzhoover's
+Hotel, in Baltimore, one day some years ago, and after dining very
+sumptuously every day, drinking his Otard, Margieux and Heidsic, and
+smoking his "Tras," "Byrons," and "Cassadoras," until the landlord began
+to surmise the "bill" getting voluminous, he made the clerk foot it up
+and present it to our modern Don Caesar De Bazan, who, casting his eye
+over the long lines of perpendicularly arranged figures, discovered
+that--which in no wise alarmed him, however--he was in for a matter of a
+cool C!
+
+"Ah! yes, I see; _well_, I presume it's all right, all correct, sir, no
+doubt about it," says Don Caesar.
+
+"No doubt at all, sir," says the polite clerk,--"we seldom present a
+bill, sir, until the gentlemen are about to leave, sir; but when the
+bills are unusually large, sir--"
+
+"Large, sir? Large, my dear fellow"--says the Don--"bless your soul, you
+don't call _that_ large? Why, sir, a--a--that is, when I was in
+Washington, at Gadsby's, sir, bless you, I frequently had my friends
+of the Senate and the Ministers to dine at my rooms, and what do you
+suppose my bills averaged a week, there, sir?"
+
+"I can't possibly say, sir--must have counted up very _heavy_, sir, I
+think," responds the clerk.
+
+"Heavy! ha! ha! you may well say they were _heavy_, my dear
+fellow--_five and eight hundred dollars a week!_" says the Don, with a
+nonchalance that would win the admiration of a flash prince of the
+realm.
+
+"O, no doubt of it, sir; it is very expensive to keep company, and
+entertain the government officers, at Washington, sir," the clerk
+replies.
+
+"You're right, my dear fellow; you're right. But let me see," and here
+the Don stuck a little glass in the corner of his eye, and glanced at
+the bill; "ah, yes, I see, $102.51--a--a--something--all right, I
+presume; if it ain't right, _we'll make it all right in the morning_."
+
+"Very good, sir; that will answer, sir," says the clerk, about to bow
+himself out of the room.
+
+"One moment, if you please, my dear fellow; that Marteux of yours is
+really superb. A friend dined here yesterday with me--he is a--a
+gentleman who imports a--a great deal of wine; he a--a--pronounces your
+Schreider an elegant article. I shall entertain some friends to-night,
+here, and do you see that we have sufficient of that 'Marteux' and
+'Schreider' cooling for us; my friends are judges of a pure article, and
+a--a I wish them to have a--a good opinion of your house. Understand?"
+
+"Ah, yes, sir; that'll be all right," says the clerk.
+
+"Of course; if it ain't, I'll make it all right in the morning!" says
+the Don Caesar, as the official vanished.
+
+"Well, Charles, did you present that gentleman's bill?" asks the host of
+the clerk, as they met at "the office."
+
+"Yes, sir; he says it's all right, or he'll make it all right in the
+morning, sir," replies the clerk.
+
+"Very well," says the anxious host; "_see that he does it_."
+
+That evening a Captain Jones called on Don Caesar--a servant carried up
+the card--Captain Jones was requested to walk up. Lieutenant Smith, U.
+S. N., next called--"walk up." Dr. Brown called--"walk up." Col. Green,
+his card--"walk up;" and so on, until some six or eight distinguished
+persons were walked up to Don Caesar's private parlor; and pretty soon
+the silver necks were brought up, corks were popping, glasses were
+clinking, jests and laughter rose above the wine and cigars, and Don
+Caesar was putting his friends through in the most approved style!
+
+Time flew, as it always does. Capt. Jones gave the party a bit of a
+salt-water song, Dr. Brown pitched in a sentiment, while Colonel Green
+and Lieutenant Smith talked largely of the "last session," what _their_
+friend Benton said to Webster, and Webster to Benton, and what Bill
+Allen said to 'em both. And Miss Corsica, the French Minister's
+daughter, what she had privately intimated to Lieutenant Smith in regard
+to American ladies, and what the Hon. so and so offered to do and say
+for Colonel Green, and so and so and so and so. Still the corks
+"popped," and the glasses jingled, and the merry jest, and the laugh
+jocund, and the rich sentiment, and richer fumes of the cigars filled
+the room.
+
+Don Caesar kept on hurrying up the wine, and as each bottle was uncorked,
+he assured the servants--"All right; if it ain't all right, _we'll make
+it all right in the morning!_"
+
+And so Don Caesar and his _bon vivant_ friends went it, until some two
+dozen bottles of Schreider, Hock, and Sherry had decanted, and the whole
+entire party were getting as merry as grigs, and so noisy and
+rip-roarious, that the clerk of the institution came up, and standing
+outside of the door, sent a servant to Don Caesar, to politely request
+that gentleman to step out into the hall one moment.
+
+"What's that?" says the Don; "speak loud, I've got a buzzing in my ears,
+and can't hear whispers."
+
+"Mr. Tompkins, sir, the clerk of the house, sir," replies the servant,
+in a sharp key.
+
+"Well, what the deuce of Tompkins--hic--what does he--hic--does he want?
+Tell--hic--tell him it's--hic--all right, or we'll make it all
+right--hic--_in the morning_."
+
+Mr. Tompkins then took the liberty of stepping inside, and slipping up
+to Don Caesar, assured him that himself and friends were _a little too
+merry_, but Don Caesar assured Tompkins--
+
+"It's all--hic--right, mi boy, all--hic--right; these
+gentlemen--hic--are all _gentlemen_, my--hic--personal friends--hic--and
+it's all right--hic--all perfectly--hic--right, or we'll make it all
+right in the morning."
+
+"That we do not question, sir," says the clerk, "but there are many
+persons in the adjoining rooms whom you'll disturb, sir; I speak for the
+credit of the house."
+
+"O--hic--certainly, certainly, mi boy; I'll--hic--I'll speak to the
+gentlemen," says the Don, rising in his chair, and assuming a very
+solemn graveness, peculiar to men in the fifth stage of libation deep;
+"Gentlemen--hic--_gentle_men, I'm requested to state--hic--that--hic--a
+very _serious_ piece of intelligence--hic--has met my ear. This
+_gentle_man--hic--says somebody's dead in the next--hic--room."
+
+"Not at all, sir; I did not say that, sir," says the clerk.
+
+"Beg--hic--your pardon, sir--hic--it's all right; if it ain't all right,
+I'll make it--hic--_all right in the morning!_ Gentlemen, let's--hic--us
+all adjourn; let's change the see--hic--scene, call a
+coach--hic--somebody, let's take a ride--hic--and return and go
+to--hic--our pious--hic--rest."
+
+Having delivered this order and exhortation, Don Caesar arose on his
+pins, and marshalling his party, after a general swap of hats all
+around, in which trade big heads got smallest hats, and small heads got
+largest hats, by aid of the staircase and the servants, they all got to
+the street, and lumbering into a large hack, they started off on a
+midnight airing, noisy and rip-roarious as so many sailors on a land
+cruise. The last words uttered by Don Caesar, there, as the coach drove
+off, were:
+
+"All right--hic--mi boy, if it ain't, _we'll make it all right in the
+morning!_"
+
+"Yes, that we will," says the landlord, "and if I don't stick you into a
+bill of costs '_in the morning_,' rot me. You'll have a nice time," he
+continued, "out carousing till daylight; lucky I've got his wallet in
+the fire-proof, the jackass would be robbed before he got back, _and I'd
+lose my bill!_"
+
+Don Caesar did not return to make good his promise _in the morning_, and
+so the landlord took the liberty of investigating the wallet, deposited
+for safe keeping in the fire-proof of the office, by the Don; and lo!
+and behold! it contained old checks, unreceipted bills, and a few
+samples of Brandon bank notes, with this emphatic remark:--"All right,
+if it ain't all right, WE'LL MAKE IT ALL RIGHT IN THE MORNING!"
+
+
+
+
+Don't you believe in 'em?
+
+
+We are astounded at the incredulity of some people. Every now and then
+you run afoul of somebody who does not believe in spiritual knockers.
+Enter any of our drinking saloons, take a seat, or stand up, and look on
+for an hour or two, especially about the time "churchyards yawn!" and if
+you are any longer skeptical upon the _spirit_-ual manifestations as
+exhibited in the knee pans, shoulder joints, and thickness of the tongue
+of the _mediums_,--education would be thrown away on you.
+
+
+
+
+The Old Black Bull
+
+
+It's poor human natur', all out, to wrangle and quarrel now and then,
+from the kitchen to the parlor, in church and state. Even the fathers of
+the holy tabernacle are not proof against this little weakness; for
+people will have passions, people will belong to meetin', and people
+will let their passions _rise_, even under the pulpit. But we have no
+distinct recollection of ever having known a misdirected, but properly
+interpreted _letter_, to settle a chuckly "plug muss," so efficiently
+and happily as the case we have in point.
+
+Old John Bulkley (grandson of the once famous President _Chauncey_) was
+a minister of the gospel, and one of the best _edicated_ men of his day
+in the wooden nutmeg State, when the immortal (or ought to be) Jonathan
+Trumbull was "around," and in his youth. Mr. Bulkley was the first
+_settled_ minister in the town of his adoption, Colchester, Connecticut.
+It was with him, as afterwards with good old brother Jonathan (Governor
+Trumbull, the bosom friend of General Washington), good to confer on
+almost any matter, scientific, political, or religious--any subject, in
+short, wherein common sense and general good to all concerned was the
+issue. As a philosophical reasoner, casuist, and _good_ counselor, he
+was "looked up to," and abided by.
+
+It so fell out that a congregation in Mr. Bulkley's vicinity got to
+loggerheads, and were upon the apex of raising "the evil one" instead of
+a spire to their church, as they proposed and _split_ upon. The very
+nearest they could come to a mutual cessation of the hostilities, was to
+appoint a _committee_ of three, to wait on Mr. Bulkley, state their
+_case_, and get him to adjudicate. They waited on the old gentleman, and
+he listened with grave attention to their conflicting grievances.
+
+"It appears to me," said the old gentleman, "that this is a very simple
+case--a very trifling thing to cause you so much vexation."
+
+"So I say," says one of the _committee_.
+
+"I don't call it a trifling case, Mr. Bulkley," said another.
+
+"No case at all," responded the third.
+
+"It ain't, eh?" fiercely answered the first speaker.
+
+"No, it ain't, sir!" quite as savagely replied the third.
+
+"It's anything but a trifling case, anyhow," echoed number two, "to
+expect to raise the minister's salary and that new steeple, too, out of
+our small congregation."
+
+"There is no danger of raising much out of _you_, anyhow, Mr. Johnson,"
+spitefully returned number one.
+
+"Gentlemen, if you please--" beseechingly interposed the sage.
+
+"I haven't come here, Mr. Bulkley, to quarrel," said one.
+
+"Who started this?" sarcastically answered Mr. Johnson.
+
+"Not me, anyway," number three replies.
+
+"You don't say I did, do you?" says number one.
+
+"Gentlemen!--gentlemen!--"
+
+"Mr. Bulkley, you see how it is; there's Johnson--"
+
+"Yes, Mr. Bulkley," says Johnson, "and there's old Winkles, too, and
+here's Deacon Potter, also."
+
+"I _am_ here," stiffly replied the deacon, "and I am sorry the Reverend
+Mr. Bulkley finds me in such company, sir!"
+
+"Now, gentlemen, _brothers_, if you please," said Mr. Bulkley, "this is
+ridiculous,--"
+
+"So I say," murmured Mr. Winkles.
+
+"As far as _you_ are concerned, it is ridiculous," said the deacon.
+
+This brought Mr. Winkles _up_, standing.
+
+"Sir!" he shouted, "sir!"
+
+"But my dear _sirs_--" beseechingly said the philosopher.
+
+"Sir!" continued Winkles, "sir! I am too old a man--too good a
+Christian, Mr. Bulkley, to allow a man, a mean, despicable _toad_, like
+Deacon Potter--"
+
+"Do you call me--_me_ a despicable _toad_?" menacingly cried the deacon.
+
+"Brethren," said Mr. Bulkley, "if I am to counsel you in your
+difference, I must have no more of this unchristian-like bickering."
+
+"I do not wish to bicker, sir," said Johnson.
+
+"Nor I don't want to, sir," said the deacon, "but when a man calls me a
+toad, a mean, despicable _toad_--"
+
+"Well, well, never mind," said Mr. Bulkley; "you are all too excited
+now; go home again, and wait patiently; on Saturday evening next, I will
+have prepared and sent to you a written opinion of your case, with a
+full and free avowal of most wholesome advice for preserving your church
+from desolation and yourselves from despair." And the committee left, to
+await his issue.
+
+Now it chanced that Mr. Bulkley had a small farm, some distance from the
+town of Colchester, and found it necessary, the same day he wrote his
+opinion and advice to the brethren of the disaffected church, to drop a
+line to his farmer regarding the fixtures of said estate. Having written
+a long, and of course, elaborate "essay" to his brethren, he wound up
+the day's literary exertions with a despatch to the farmer, and after a
+reverie to himself, he directs the two documents, and next morning
+despatches them to their several destinations.
+
+On Saturday evening a full and anxious synod of the belligerent
+churchmen took place in their tabernacle, and punctually, as promised,
+came the despatch from the Plato of the time and place,--Rev. John
+Bulkley. All was quiet and respectful attention. The moderator took up
+the document, broke the seal, opened and--a pause ensued, while dubious
+amazement seemed to spread over the features of the worthy president of
+the meeting.
+
+"Well, brother Temple, how is it--what does Mr. Bulkley say?" and
+another pause followed.
+
+"Will the moderator please proceed?" said another voice.
+
+The moderator placed the paper upon the table, took off his spectacles,
+wiped the glasses, then his lips--replaced his specs upon his nose, and
+with a very broad _grin_, said:
+
+"Brethren, this appears to me to be a very singular letter, to say the
+least of it!"
+
+"Well, read it--read it," responded the wondering hearers.
+
+"I will," and the moderator began:
+
+"You will see to the repair of the fences, that they be built high and
+strong, and you will take special care _of the old Black Bull_."
+
+There was a general pause; a silent mystery overspread the community;
+the moderator dropped the paper to a "rest," and gazing over the top of
+his glasses for several minutes, nobody saying a word.
+
+"Repair the fences!" muttered the moderator at length.
+
+"Build them strong and high!" echoed Deacon Potter.
+
+"Take special care _of the old Black Bull!_" growled half the meeting.
+
+Then another pause ensued, and each man eyed his neighbor in mute
+mystery.
+
+A tall and venerable man now arose from his seat; clearing his voice
+with a hem, he spoke:
+
+"Brethren, you seem lost in the brief and eloquent words of our learned
+adviser. To me nothing could be more appropriate to our case. It is just
+such a profound and applicable reply to us as we should have hoped and
+looked for, from the learned and good man, John Bulkley. The direction
+to repair the fences, is to take heed in the admission and government of
+our members; we must guard the church by our Master's laws, and keep out
+stray and vicious cattle from the fold! And, above all things, set a
+trustworthy and vigilant watch over that old black bull, who is the
+devil, and who has already broken into our enclosures and sought to
+desolate and lay waste the fair grounds of our church!"
+
+The effect of this interpretation was electrical. All saw and _took_ the
+force of Mr. Bulkley's cogent advice, and unanimously resolved to be
+governed by it; hence the old black bull was put _hors du combat_, and
+the church preserved its union!
+
+
+
+
+Dobbs makes "a Pint."
+
+
+Dobbs walked into a _Dry Goodery_, on Court street, and began to look
+around. A double _jinted_ clerk immediately appeared to Dobbs.
+
+"What can I _do_ for you, sir?" says he.
+
+"A good deal," says Dobbs, "but I bet you won't."
+
+"I'll bet I will," says the knight of the yard-stick, "if I _can_."
+
+"What'll you bet of that?" says the imperturbable Dobbs.
+
+"I'll bet a fourpence!" says the clerk, with a cute _nod_.
+
+"I'll go it," says Dobbs. "Now, trust me for a couple of dollars' wuth
+of yur stuffs!"
+
+"_Lost_, by Ned!" says yard-stick. "Well, there's the fourpence."
+
+"Thank you; call again when I want to _trade!_" says Dobbs.
+
+"Do, if you please; wouldn't like to lose your custom," says the clerk,
+"no how."
+
+Polite young man that--as soon as his chin vegetates, provided his
+dickey don't cut his throat, he'll be arter the gals, Dobbs thinks!
+
+
+
+
+Used Up.
+
+
+I am tempted to believe, that few--very few men can start in the
+world--say at twenty, with a replete invoice of honesty, free and
+easy--kind, generous--good-natured disposition, and keep it up, until
+they greet their fortieth year. There are, doubtless, plenty of men--I
+hope there are, who _would_ be entirely and perfectly generous-hearted,
+if they _could_, with any degree of consistency; and I know there are
+multitudes who wouldn't exhibit an honorable or manly trait, of any
+human description, if they could. That class thrive best, it appears to
+me--if the accumulation of dollars and dimes be Webster, Walker, or
+Scriptural interpretation of that sense--in this sublunary world.
+Meanness and dishonesty win what good nature and honesty lose, hence the
+more thrift to the former, and the less gain, pecuniarily considered, to
+the latter. The subject is very prolific, and as my present purpose is
+as much to point a humorous _sketch_ as to adorn a _moral_, I needs must
+cut speculative philosophistics for facts, in the case of my friend John
+Jenks, an emphatic--"used up" good fellow.
+
+Jenks started in this world with a first-rate opinion of himself and the
+rest of mankind. No man ever started with a larger capital of good
+nature, human benevolence, and common honesty, than honest John. Few men
+ever started with better general prospects, for "a good time," and
+plenty of it, than Jenks. He _graduated_ with honor to himself and the
+Institute of his native State, and with but little knowledge beyond the
+college library and the social circles of his immediate friends. At
+twenty-three, John Jenks went into business on his own hook.
+
+Of course John soon formed various and many business acquaintances; he
+learned that men were brothers--should love, honor, and respect one
+another, from precepts set him at his father's fireside. He formed the
+opinion, that this brotherhood was not to be alienated in matters of
+business, for he never refused to act kindly to all; he freely loaned
+his _autograph_ and purse to his business acquaintances; but, being
+backed up by a snug business capital, he seldom felt the necessity of
+claiming like accommodation, or he would have gotten his eye teeth cut
+cheaper and sooner.
+
+"Jenks," said a business man, stopping in at Jenks' counting room one
+September morning, "Perkins & Ball, I see, have _stopped_--gone to
+smash!"
+
+"Have they?" quickly responded Jenks.
+
+"They have, and a good many fingers will be burnt by them," replied the
+informant. "By the way, Barclay says you have some of their _paper_ on
+hand; is it true?" continued the man.
+
+"I have some, not much," answered Jenks--"not enough at all events to
+create any alarm as to their willingness or ability to take it up."
+
+But in looking over his "accounts," Jenks found a considerably larger
+amount of Perkins & Ball's _paper_ on hand, than an experienced business
+man might have contemplated with entire Christian resignation. The
+gazette, in the course of a few days, gave publicity to the _smash_ of
+the house of Perkins, Ball & Co. There was a buzz "on 'change;" those
+losers by the _smash_ were bitter in their denunciatory remarks, while
+those gaining by the transaction snickered in their sleeves and kept
+mum. Jenks heard all, and said nothing. He reasoned, that if the firm
+were _smashed_ by imprudences, or through dishonest motives, they were
+getting "an elegant sufficiency" of public and private vituperation,
+without his aid. Though far from his thoughts of entering into such
+"lists," and inclined to hold on and see how things come out--Jenks,
+for the credit of common humanity, seldom recapitulated the amount, by
+discounting, &c.--he was likely to be _in_ for, if P. & B. were really
+"done gone." This resolve, like some _rules_, worked both ways.
+
+As "honest John" was drawing on his gloves to leave his commercial
+institution, after the above occurrences had had some ten days' _grace_;
+one evening, the senior partner of the house of Perkins & Ball came in.
+Greetings were cordial, and in the private office of Jenks, an hour's
+discourse took place between the merchants; which, in brief
+transcription, may be summed up in the fact, that Jenks received a
+two-third indemnification on all _his_ liabilities _for_ the _smashed_
+house of P. & B., which the senior partner assured him, arose from the
+fact of his, Jenks', gentlemanly forbearance in not joining the clamor
+against them, in the adverse hour, nor pushing his claims, when he had
+reason to believe that they were down; quite down at the heel. Jenks
+"hoped" he should never be found on the wrong or even doubtful side of
+humanity, gentlemanly courtesy, or Christian kindness; they shook hands
+and parted; the senior partner of the exploded firm requesting, and
+Jenks agreeing, to say every thing he could towards sustaining the honor
+of the house of P. & B., and recreating its now almost extinguished
+credit. Those who fought the bankrupt merchants most got the least, and
+because Jenks preserved an undisturbed serenity, when it was known that
+he was as deeply a loser, they supposed, as any one, they were staggered
+at his philosophy, or amused at his extreme good nature. This latter
+result seemed the most popular and accepted notion of Jenks' character,
+and proved the ground-work of his pecuniary destruction.
+
+The firm of Perkins & Ball crept up again; Jenks had, on all occasions,
+spoken in the most favorable terms of the firm; he not only freely
+endorsed again for them, but stood their _referee_ generally. In the
+meantime, Jenks' celebrity for good nature and open-heartedness had
+drawn around him a host of patrons and admirers. Jenks' name became a
+circulating medium for half his business acquaintances. If Brown was
+short in his cash account, five hundred or a thousand dollars----
+
+"Just run over to Jenks'," he'd say to his clerk; "ask him to favor me
+with a check until the middle of the week." It was done.
+
+"Terms--thirty days with good endorsed paper," was sufficient for the
+adventurous Smith to _buy_ and depend on Jenks' _autograph_ to _secure_
+the goods. When in funds, Bingle went where he chose; when a little
+_short_, Jenks had his patronage. Jenks kept but few memorandums of acts
+of kindness he daily committed; hence when the evil effects of them
+began to revolve upon him--if not mortified or ashamed of his
+"bargains," he at least was astounded at the results. Brown, whose due
+bills or memorandums Jenks held, to the amount of seven thousand
+dollars, accommodation _loans_, took an apoplectic, one warm summer's
+day, after taking a luxurious dinner. Jenks had hardly learned that
+Brown's affairs were pronounced in a state of deferred bankruptcy, when
+the first rumor reached him that Smith had _bolted_, after a heavy
+transaction in "woolens"--Jenks his principal endorser--Smith not
+leaving assets or assigns to the amount of one red farthing.
+
+"By Jove!" poor Jenks muttered, as he tremulously seated himself in his
+back counting room--"that's shabby in Smith--very shabby."
+
+The next morning's Gazette informed the community that Bingle had
+failed--liabilities over $200,000--prospects barely giving hopes of ten
+per cent, all around; and even this hope, upon Jenks' investigation,
+proved a forlorn one; by a _modus operandi_ peculiar to the heartless,
+self-devoted, _they_ got all, Jenks and the _few_ of his ilk, got
+nothing!
+
+For the first time in his life, Jenks became pecuniarily moody. For the
+first time, in the course of his mercantile career, of some six years,
+the force of reflection convinced him, that he had not acted his part
+judiciously, however "well done" it might be, in point of honor and
+manliness.
+
+The next day Jenks devoted to a scrutiny of his accounts in general with
+the business world. He found things a great deal "mixed up;" his
+balance-sheet exhibited large surplusages accumulated on the score of
+his leniency and good nature; by the credit of those with whom he held
+business relations. A council of war, or expediency, rather,--_solus_,
+convinced Jenks, he had either mistaken his business qualifications, or
+formed a very vague idea of the soul--manners and customs of the
+business world; and he broke up his council, a sadder if not a wiser
+man.
+
+"By Jove, this is discouraging; I'll have to do a very disagreeable
+thing, very disagreeable thing: _make an assignment!_"
+
+"Who'd thought John Jenks would ever come to that?" that individual
+muttered to himself, as he proceeded to his hotel. And ere he reached
+his plate, at the tea-table, a servant whispered that a gentleman with a
+message was out in the "office" of the hotel, anxious to see Mr. Jenks.
+
+"Mr. Jenks--John Jenks, I believe, sir?" began the person, as poor
+Jenks, now on the _tapis_ for more ill news, approached the person in
+waiting.
+
+"Precisely, that's my name, sir," Jenks responded.
+
+"Then," continued the stranger, "I've disagreeable business with you,
+Mr. Jenks; _I hold your arrest!_"
+
+"Good God!" exclaimed Jenks; "my arrest? What for?"
+
+"There's the writ, sir; you can read it."
+
+"A _writ_? Why, God bless you, man, I don't _owe_ a dollar in the world,
+but what I can liquidate in ten minutes!"
+
+"Oh, it's not debt, sir; you may see by the writ it's _felony!_"
+
+If the man had drawn and cocked a revolver at Jenks, the effect upon his
+nervous system could not have been more startling or powerful. But he
+recovered his self-possession, and learned with dismay, that he was
+arrested--yes, _arrested_ as an accessory to a grand scheme of fraud and
+general villany, on the part of Smith, a conclusion arrived at, by those
+most interested, upon discovery that Jenks had pronounced Smith "good,"
+and endorsed for him in sums total, enormously, far beyond Jenks' actual
+ability to make good!
+
+It was in vain Jenks declared, and no man before ever dreamed of
+doubting his word, his entire ability to meet all liabilities of his own
+and others, for whom he kindly become responsible; for when the _bulk_
+of Smith's _paper_ with Jenks' endorsement was thrust at him, he gave
+in; saw clearly that he was the victim of a heartless _forger_.
+
+But his calmness, in the midst of his affliction, triumphed, and he
+rested comparatively easy in jail that night, awaiting the bright future
+of to-morrow, when his established character, and "troops of friends"
+should set all right. But, poor Jenks, he reckoned indeed without his
+host; to-morrow came, but not "a friend in need;" they saw, in their
+far-reaching wisdom, a sinking ship, and like sagacious rats, they
+deserted it!
+
+"I always thought Jenks a very good-natured, or a very _deep_ man," said
+one.
+
+"I knew he was too generous to last long!" said another.
+
+"I told him he was _green_ to endorse as freely as he did," echoed a
+third.
+
+"Good fellow," chimed a fourth--"but devilish imprudent."
+
+"He knows what he's at!" cunningly retorted a fifth, and so the good
+but misguided Jenks was disposed of by his "troops of friends!"
+
+But Perkins & Ball--they had got up again, were flourishing; they, Jenks
+felt satisfied, would not show the "white feather," and the thought came
+to him, in his prison, as _merrily_ as the reverse of that fond hope
+made him _sad_ and sorrowful, when at the close of day, his attorney
+informed him, that Perkins & Ball regretted his perplexing situation,
+but proffered him no aid or comfort. They said, sad experience had shown
+them, that there were no "bowels of compassion" in the world for the
+fallen; men must trust to fortune, God, and their own exertions, to
+defeat ill luck and rise from difficulties; _they_ had done so; Mr.
+Jenks must not despair, but surmount his misfortunes with a stout heart
+and a clear conscience, and profit, as they had, _by reverses!_
+
+"Profit!" said Jenks, in a bitter tone, "_profit_ by reverses as _they_
+have!"
+
+"Why, Powers," he continued to his counsel, "do you know that if I had
+been a tithe part as base and conscienceless as they are _now_, Perkins
+& Ball would be beggars, if not inmates of this prison! Yes, sir, my
+casting vote, of all the rest, would have done it. But no matter; I had
+hoped to find, in a community where I had been useful, generous and
+just, friends enough for all practical purposes, without carrying my
+business difficulties to the fireside of my parents and other relations.
+But that I must do now; if, _if they fail me, then---- I cave!_"
+
+Two days after that conference of the lawyer and the merchant, "honest
+John" learned, with sorrow, that his father was dead; estate involved,
+and his friends at home in no favorable mood in reference to what they
+heard of John Jenks and his "bad management" in the city.
+
+John Jenks--heard no more--he "caved!" as he agreed to.
+
+We pass over Jenks' _Smithsonian_ difficulty, which a prudent lawyer and
+discerning jury brought out all right.
+
+We come to 1850--some fifteen or eighteen years after John Jenks
+"caved." The John Jenks of 183- had been ruined by his good nature, set
+adrift moneyless, in a manner, with even a spotted reputation to begin
+with; he "profited by his reverses," he was now a man of family--fifty,
+fat, and wealthy, and altogether the meanest and most selfish man you
+ever saw!
+
+Jenks freely admits his originality is entirely--"_used up!_" The reader
+may affix the _moral_ of my sketch--at leisure.
+
+
+
+
+The Greatest Moral Engine.
+
+
+Say what you will, it's no use talking, poverty is more potent and
+powerful, as a moral engine, than all the "sermons and soda water," law,
+logic, and prison discipline, ever started. All a man wants, while he
+_has_ a chance to be honest, and to get along smoothly, is a good
+situation and two dollars a day; give him five dollars a day, and he
+gets lazy and careless; while at ten, or a hundred a day, he is sure to
+cultivate beastly feeling, eat and sleep to stupefaction, become a
+_roue_, or a rotten politician. A poor man, in misery, applies to God
+for consolation, while a rich man applies to his banker, and tries on a
+"bender," or goes on a tour to Europe, and studies foreign folly and
+French license. Poverty is great; in a Christian community, or a
+thriving village, it is equal to "martial law," in suppressing moral
+rebellion and keeping down the "dander!" And how faithful, too, is
+poverty, says Dr. Litterage, for it sticks to a man after all his
+friends and the rest of mankind have deserted him!
+
+
+
+
+The Story of Capt. Paul.
+
+
+I love to speak, I love to write of the mighty West. I have passed ten
+happy and partly pleasant years travelling over the immense tracts of
+land of the West and South. I have, during that time, garnered up
+endless themes for my pen. It was my custom, during my travels, to keep
+a "log," as the mariners have it, and at the close of the day I always
+noted the occurrences that transpired with me or others, when of
+interest, and opportunities were favorable to do so.
+
+Several years ago I was stopping at Vevay, Indiana, a small village on
+the Ohio river, waiting for a steamboat to touch there and take me up to
+Louisville, Ky. It was in the fall of the year, water was very low, and
+but few boats running. Shortly after breakfast, I took my rifle and
+ammunition and started down along the river to amuse myself, and kill
+time by hunting. Game was scarce, and after strolling along until noon,
+I got tired and came out to the river to see if any boats were in sight,
+as well as take shelter from a heavy shower of rain that had come on. I
+sought an immense old tree, whose broad crown and thick foliage made my
+shelter as dry as though under a roof, and here I sat down, bending my
+eyes along the placid, quiet and noble river, until I was quite lost in
+silent reverie. The rain poured down, and presently I heard a footstep
+approaching from the woods behind, and at the same moment a rough, curly
+dog came smelling along towards me. The dog came up to within a few rods
+of me and stopped, took a grin at me and then disappeared again. But
+my further anxiety was soon relieved by the appearance of a tall,
+gaunt man, dressed in the usual costume of a western woodsman, jean
+trowsers, hunting shirt, old slouched felt hat, rifle, powder horn,
+bullet pouch, and sheath knife. He was an old man, face sallow and
+wrinkled, and hair quite a steelish hue.
+
+"Mornin', stranger," said he; "rayther a wet day for game?"
+
+I replied in the affirmative, and welcomed him to my shelter. Having
+taken a seat near me, on the fallen trunk of a small tree, the old man,
+half to himself and partly to me, sighed--
+
+"Ah! yes, yes, _our_ day is fast gwoin over; an entire new set of folks
+will soon people this country, and the old settler will be all gone, and
+no more thought of."
+
+"I imagine," said I, interrupting his soliloquy, "that you are an old
+settler, and have noted vast, wonderful changes here in the Ohio
+Valley?"
+
+"Wonderful; yes, yes, stranger, thar you're right; I have seen wonderful
+changes since I first squatted 'yer, thirty-five years ago. Every thing
+changes about one so, that I skearse know the old river any more. 'Yer
+they've brought their steamboats puffin', and blowin', and skeerin' off
+the game, fish, and alligators. 'Yer they've built thar towns and thar
+store houses, and thar nice farm houses, and keep up sich a clatter and
+noise among 'em all, that one fond of our old quiet times in the woods,
+goes nigh bein' distracted with these new matters and folks."
+
+"Well," said I, "neighbor, you old woodsmen will have to do as the
+Indians have done, and as Daniel Boone did, when the advancing axe of
+civilization, and the mighty steam and steel arms of enterprise and
+improvement make the varmints leave their lairs, and the air heavy and
+clamorous with the gigantic efforts of industry, genius, and wealth, you
+must _fall back_. Our territories are boundless, and there are yet
+dense forests, woods, and wilds, where the Indian, lone hunter, and
+solitary beast, shall rove amid the wild grandeur of God's infinite
+space for a century yet to come."
+
+"Ah, yes, yes, young man; I should have long since up stakes and rolled
+before this sweeping tide of new settlers, only I can't bar to leave
+this tract 'yer; no, stranger, I can't bar to do it."
+
+"Doubtless," I replied; "one feels a strong love for old homes, a
+lingering desire to lay one's bones to their final resting place, near a
+spot and objects that life and familiarity made dear."
+
+"Yes, yes, stranger, that's it, that's it. But look down thar--thar's
+what makes this spot dear to me--thar, do you see yon little
+hillock--yon little mound? Thar's what keeps old Tom Ward 'yer for
+life."
+
+The old man seemed deeply affected, and sighed heavily, as he wiped the
+moisture from his eyes with the back of his hand. I gazed down towards
+the spot he had called my attention to, and there I beheld, indeed,
+something resembling a solitary and lonely grave; wild flowers bloomed
+around it, and a flat stone stood at the head, and a small stake at the
+foot.
+
+"'Tisn't often one comes this way to ask the question, and the Lord
+knows, stranger, I'm always willing to tell the sad story of that lonely
+grave. Well, well, it's no use to grieve always, the red whelps have
+paid well for thar doins, and now, but few of 'em are spared to
+repent--the Lord forgive 'em all," to which I involuntarily
+echoed--"Amen!"
+
+"Well, stranger, you see, about five-and-thirty years ago, I left
+Western Virginia to come down 'yer in the Ohio valley. I well remember
+the first glimpse I got of this stream; it war a big stream to me, and I
+gloried in the sight of it. Thar war but few settlements then upon its
+banks, and thar war none of your roarin', splashin' steamboats about;
+but I like the steamboats--thar grand creatures, and go it like
+high-mettled horses. Well, I war a young man then; me and my brother and
+our old mother joined in with a neighbor, built a family boat, put in
+our goods, and started off down the stream, towards the lower part thar
+of Kentucky.
+
+"Captain Paul, our neighbor, war an old woodsman, though he war a young
+man; he had a wife and several fine, growin' children along with us, and
+our journey for many days war prosperous and pleasant. Capt. Paul's
+wife's sister war along with us, a fine young creature she war too. My
+brother and her I always carc'lated would make a match of it when we
+reached our journey's end; but poor Ben, God bless the boy, he little
+dreampt he'd be cut off so soon in the prime of life, and leave his
+bones 'yer to rot. I war young too, then, and little thought I should
+ever come to be this old, withered-up creature you see me now,
+stranger."
+
+"Why, you appear to be a hearty, hale man yet," said I, encouraging the
+old man to proceed in his narrative, "and no doubt shoot as well and see
+as keenly and far as ever?"
+
+"Ay, ay, I can drive a centre purty well yet; but my hand begins to
+tremble sometimes, and I'm failing--yes, yes, I know I'm failing. But,
+to go on with my story: I acted as sort of pilot. Then the country were
+yet pretty full of Ingins, and mighty few cabins war made along the
+river in them times. The whites and red-skins war eternally fighting. I
+won't say which war to blame; the whites killed the creatures off fast
+enough, and the Ingins took plenty of scalps and war cruel to the white
+man whenever they fastened on him.
+
+"Our old ark or boat war well loaded down; a few loose boards served as
+a shelter from the sun and rain, and a few planks spiked to the sides
+'bove water, kept the swells from rollin' in on us. Two black boys
+helped the captain and I to manage the boat, and an old black woman
+waited on the wimin folks and did the cooking.
+
+"You see yon pint thar, up the river?" continued the narrator, pointing
+his long, bony finger towards a great bend, and a point on the Kentucky
+side of the stream.
+
+"Yes," I replied, "I see it distinctly."
+
+"Well, it war thar, or jest above thar, about sunset of a pleasant day,
+that we came drifting along with our flat-boat, or _broad horn_, as they
+were called in them days, when Captain Paul said he thought it would be
+a snug place just behind the pint, to tie up to them same big trees yet
+standin' thar as they did then. Ben, poor Ben and I concluded too, it
+would be a clever place to camp for the night; so we headed the boat
+in--for, you see, we always kept in the middle of the stream, as near as
+possible, to keep clear of the red skins who committed a mighty heap of
+depredations upon the movers and river traders, by decoyin' the boat on
+shore, or layin' in ambush and firin' their rifles at the incautious
+folks in the boats that got too nigh 'em. Guina and Joe, the two black
+boys, rowed enough to get around the pint. We had no fear of the Ingins,
+as we expected we war beyond thar haunts just thar; mother war gettin'
+out the supper things, and Captain Paul's wife and sister were nestling
+away the children. Just then, as we got cleverly under the lee of the
+shore thar, I heard a crack like a dry stick snappin' under foot--
+
+"'Thar's a deer or bar,' said the captain.
+
+"'Hold on your oars,' says I--'boys, I don't like that--it 'tain't a
+deer's tread, nor a bar's nether,' says I.
+
+"By this time we had got within thirty yards of the bank--another slight
+noise--the bushes moved, and I sung out--'Ingins, by the Lord! back the
+boat, back, boys, back!'
+
+"Poor Ben snatched up his rifle, so did the captain; but before we could
+get way on the boat, a band of the bloody devils rushed out and gave us
+a volley of shouts and shower of balls, that made these hills and river
+banks echo again. Poor Ben fell mortally wounded and bleeding, into the
+bottom of the boat; two of the captain's children were killed, his wife
+wounded, and a bullet dashed the cap off my head.
+
+"I shouted to the boys to pull, and soon got out of reach of the Ingins.
+They had no canoes, bein' only a scoutin' war party; they could not
+reach us. The wounded horses and cows kicked and plunged among the
+goods, the wimin and children screamed.
+
+"Oh! stranger, it war a frightful hour; one I shall remember to my dyin'
+day, as it war only yesterday I saw and heard it. It war now dark, the
+boat half filled with water, my brother dyin', Captain Paul nerveless
+hangin' over his wife and children, cryin' like a whipped child. I still
+clung on to my oar, and made the poor blacks pull for this side of the
+river, as fast and well as thar bewildered and frightened senses allowed
+'em.
+
+"My poor mother leaned over poor Ben. She held his head in her lap; she
+opened his bosom and the blood flowed out. He still breathed faintly--
+
+"'Benjamin, my son,' said she, 'do you know me?'
+
+"'Mother,' he breathed lowly. Mother tried to have him drink a cup of
+water from the river, but he war past nourishment--and she asked him if
+he knew he war dyin'?
+
+"He gasped, 'Yes, mother, and may the Lord our God in heaven be merciful
+to me, thus cut from you and life, mother--'
+
+"'God's will be done,' cried my mother, as the pale face of her darlin'
+boy fell upon her hand--he was gone.
+
+"We reached shore, but dar not kindle a light, for fear the Ingins might
+be prowlin' about on this side; yes, under this very tree, did we 'camp
+that gloomy night. The whole of us, livin', dead, and wounded, lay 'yer,
+fearin' even to weep aloud. About midnight, I took the two blacks, and
+we dug yon grave and laid poor Ben in it, and the two children by his
+side. It war an awful thing--awful to us all; and our sighs and sobs,
+mingled with the prayers of the old mother, went to God's footstool, I'm
+sure. We made such restin' places as circumstances permitted. I lay
+down, but the cries of poor Captain Paul's wife and sister, cries of the
+two survivin' children, and moans of us all, made sleep a difficult
+affair. By peep of day I went down to the grave, and thar sat the old
+mother. She had sat thar the live-long night; the sudden shock had been
+too much for her.
+
+"Two days afterwards the grave was opened and enlarged, and received two
+more bodies, the wife of Captain Paul, and our kind, good old mother.
+Thirty-five years have now passed. Could I leave this place? No; not a
+day at a time have I missed seeing the grave, when within miles of it.
+No, here must I rest too."
+
+The old man seemed deeply affected. I could not refrain from taking up
+the thread of his narrative to inquire what had become of Captain Paul
+and his wife's sister.
+
+"Well, poor thing, you see it war natural enough for her to love her
+sister's children, and the captain, he couldn't help lovin' her too, for
+that. The captain settled down here, about two miles back, and in a few
+years the sister-in-law and he war man and wife, and a kind, good old
+wife she is too. I've 'camped with 'em ever since, and with 'em I'll
+die, and be put thar--thar, to rest in that little mound with the rest.
+But I must bide my time, stranger--we must all bide our time. Now,
+stranger, I've told you my sad story, I must ax a favor. Seeing as you
+are a town-bred person, perhaps a preacher, I want you to kneel down by
+that grave and make a prayer. I feel that it is a good thing to pray,
+though we woods people know but little about it."
+
+I told him I was not a minister in the common acceptation of the term,
+but considering we all are God's ministers that study God's will and our
+own duty to man, I could pray, did pray, and left the poor woodsman with
+an exalted feeling, I hope, of divine and infinite grace to all who seek
+it.
+
+A boat touched Vevay that evening, and I left, deeply impressed with
+this little story.
+
+
+
+
+Hereditary Complaints.
+
+
+Meanness is as natural to some people, as gutta percha beefsteaks in a
+cheap boarding-house. Schoodlefaker says he saw a striking instance in
+Quincy market last Saturday. An Irish woman came up to a turkey
+merchant, and says she--
+
+"What wud yees be after axin' for nor a chicken like that?"
+
+"That's a turkey, not a chicken," says the merchant.
+
+"Turkey? Be dad an' it's a mighty small turkey--it's stale enough, too,
+I'd be sworn; poor it is, too! What'd yees ax for 'un?"
+
+"Well, seein' it's pooty nigh night, and the last I've got, I'll let you
+have it for _two and six_."
+
+"Two and six? Hoot! I'd give yees half a dollar fur it, and be dad not
+another cint."
+
+"Well," says the _satisfied_ poultry merchant, "take it along; I won't
+dicker for a cent or two."
+
+Mrs. Doolygan paid over the half, boned the turkey, and went on her way
+quite elated with the brilliancy of her talents in financiering! There's
+one merit in meanness, if it disgusts the looker-on, it never fails to
+carry a pleasing sensation to the bosom of the gamester.
+
+
+
+
+Nights with the Caucusers.
+
+
+Office-Seeking has become a legitimatized branch of our every-day
+business, as much so as in former times "reduced gentlemen" took to
+keeping school or posting books. In former times, men took to politics
+to give zest to a life already replete with pecuniary indulgences, as
+those in the "sere and yellow leaf" are wont to take to religion as a
+solacing comfort against things that are past, and pave the way to a
+very desirable futurity. But now, politicians are of no peculiar class
+or condition of citizens; the success of a champion depends not so much
+upon the matter, as upon the manner, not upon the capital he may have in
+real estate, bank funds or public stocks, but upon the fundamental
+principle of "confidence," gutta percha lungs and unmistakable amplitude
+of--brass and bravado! If any man doubts the fact, let him look around
+him, and calculate the matter. Why is it that _lawyers_ are so
+particularly felicitous in running for, securing, and usurping most of
+all the important or profitable offices under government? Lungs--gutta
+percha lungs and everlasting impudence, does it. A man might as well try
+to bail out the Mississippi with a tea-spoon, or shoot shad with a
+fence-rail, as to hope for a seat in Congress, merely upon the
+possession of patriotic principles, or double-concentrated and refined
+integrity. Why, if George Washington was a Virginia farmer to-day, his
+chance for the Presidency wouldn't be a circumstance to that of Rufus
+Choate's, while there is hardly a lawyer attached to the Philadelphia
+bar that would not beat the old gentleman out of his top boots in
+running for the Senate! But we'll _cut_ "wise saws" for a modern
+instance; let us attend a small "caucus" where incipient Demostheneses,
+Ciceros, and Mark Antonies most do congregate, and see things "workin'."
+It is night, a ward meeting of the unterrified, meat-axe,
+non-intervention--hats off--hit him again--butt-enders, have called a
+meeting to _caucus_ for the coming fall contest. "Owing to the
+inclemency of the weather," and other causes too tedious to mention, of
+some eight hundred of the _unterrified, non-intervention--Cuban
+annexation--Wilmot proviso, compromise, meat-axe, hats off--hit him
+again--butt-enders_--only eighty attend the call. Of these eighty
+faithful, some forty odd are on the wing for office; one at least wants
+to work his way up to the gubernatorial chair, five to the Senate, ten
+to the "Assembly," fifteen to the mayoralty, and the balance to the
+custom house.
+
+Now, before the "curtain rises," little knots of the anxious multitude
+are seen here and there about the corners of the adjacent neighborhood
+and in the recesses of the caucus chamber, their heads
+together--caucusing on a small scale.
+
+"Flambang, who'd you think of puttin' up to-night for the _Senate_, in
+our ward?" asks a cadaverous, but earnest _unterrified_, of a brother in
+the same cause.
+
+"Well, I swan, I don't know; what do you think of Jenkins?"
+
+"Jenkins?" leisurely responded the first speaker; "Jenkins is a pooty
+good sort of a man, but he ain't known; made himself rather unpop'ler by
+votin' agin that _grand junction railroad to the north pole_ bill, afore
+the Legislature, three years ago; besides he's served two years in the
+Legislature, and been in the custom house two years; talks of going to
+California or somewhere else, next spring--so I-a, I-a--don't think much
+of Jenkins, anyhow!"
+
+"Well, then," says Flambang, "there's Dr. Rhubarb; what do you think of
+him? He's a sound _unterrified_, good man."
+
+"A--ye-e-e-s, the doctor's pooty good sort of a man, but I don't think
+its good policy to run doctors for office. If they are defeated it sours
+their minds equal to cream of tartar; it spiles their practice, and
+'tween you and I, Flambang, if they takes a spite at a man that didn't
+vote for 'em, and he gets sick, they're called in; how easy it is _for
+'em to poison us!_"
+
+"Good gracious!--you don't say so?"
+
+"I _don't_ say, of course I don't say so of Dr. Rhubarb. I only supposed
+a case," replied the wily _caucuser_.
+
+"A case? Yes-s-s; a feller would be a case, under them circumstances.
+I'm down on doctors, then, Twist; but what do you say to Blowpipes? He's
+one of our best speakers--"
+
+"_Gas!_" pointedly responded Twist.
+
+"Gas? Well, you voted for him last year, when he run for Congress; you
+were the first man to nominate him, too!"
+
+"So I was, and I voted for him, drummed for him, fifed and blowed; that
+was no reason for my thinking him the best man we had for the office.
+He's a demagogue, an ambitious, sly, selfish feller, as we could skeer
+up; but, he was in our way, we couldn't get shut of him; I proposed the
+nomination, and tried to elect him, so that we should get him out of the
+way of our local affairs, and more deserving and less pretendin' men
+could get a chance, don't you see? Now, Flambang, you're the man I'm
+goin' in for to-night!"
+
+"Me! Mr. Twist? Why, bless your soul, I don't want office!"
+
+"Come, now, don't be modest. I'll lay the ground-work, you'll be
+nominated--I'll not be known in it--you'll get the nomination--called
+out for a speech--so be on the trigger--give 'em a rouser, and you're
+in!"
+
+Poor Flambang, a modest, retiring man, peaceable proprietor of a small
+shop, in which, by the force of prudence and economy, he has laid up
+something, has a voice among his fellow-citizens and some influence, but
+would as soon attempt to carry a blazing pine knot into a powder
+magazine, or "ship" for a missionary to the Tongo Islands, as to run for
+the Legislature _and make a speech in public!_ Twist knows it; he
+guesses shrewdly at the effect.
+
+"Why don't you run?" says Flambang, after many efforts to get his
+breath.
+
+"Me? Well, if you don't want to _run_."
+
+"_Run?_ I would as soon think of jumping over the moon, as running for
+office!" answers Flambang. "But I thank you, thank _you_ kindly, for
+your good intentions, for _your_ confidence(!), Twist, and whatever good
+I can do for you, I'll do, and--"
+
+Twist having secured the first step to his _plot_, enters the caucus
+chamber in deep and earnest consultation with Flambang, and while
+preparations are being made to "histe the rag," he is seen making
+converts to his sly purposes, upon the same principle by which he
+converted his modest friend, Flambang.
+
+"Who are you going in for to-night?" asks another "ambitious for
+distinction" _unterrified_ of "a brother."
+
+"Well, I don't know; it's hard to tell; good many wants to be nominated,
+and good many more than will be," was the cogent reply.
+
+"That's a fact!" was the equally clear response. "But 'tween you and I,
+Pepper--I'd like to get the nomination for the Senate myself!"
+
+"No-o-o?"
+
+"Yes, sir; why shouldn't I? Hain't I stood by the party?"
+
+"Well, and hain't I stood by it, hung by it, fastened to it?"
+
+"Pepper, you have; so have I; now, I'll tell you what I'll do. You hang
+by me, for the Senate, and I'll go in for you for the House."
+
+"Agreed; hang by 'em, give 'em a blast, first opening, and while you are
+fifing away for me, I'll go around for you, Captain Johns."
+
+"Flammer, you going to go in for Smithers, to-night?" asks another of
+"the party," of a confederate.
+
+"Smithers? I don't know about that; I don't think he's the right kind of
+a man for mayor, any how; do you?"
+
+"Well, you know he's an almighty peart chap in talkin', and I guess
+he'll be elected, if he's nominated and goes around speaking; but here
+he is; let's feel his pulse." After a confab of some minutes between
+Flammer, Smithers, and Skyblue, things seem to be fixed to mutual
+satisfaction, and something is "dropped" about "go in for me for the
+Mayoralty, I'll go in for you for the Senate," etc.
+
+"Don't let on, that I'm _anxious_, at all, you know," says Smithers, to
+which the two allies Skyblue and Flammer respond--"O, of course not!"
+
+Now the curtain rises, the meeting's organized, with as much formality,
+fuss and fungus as the opening of the House of Parliament; soon is heard
+the work of balloting for nominations, and soon it is known that _Twist_
+is _the_ man for the Senate--this calls _Twist_ out; he spreads--feels
+overpowered--this unexpected (!) event--attending as a spectator, not
+anticipating any thing for himself--proud of the unexpected honor--had
+long served as a _private_ in the ranks of the _unterrified_--die in the
+front of battle, if his friends thought proper, etc., etc. And Twist
+falls back, mid great applause of the multitude, to give way to Capt.
+Johns, who also felt overpowered by the unexpected rush of honor put
+upon him, in connecting his name with the senatorial ticket. He was
+proud of being thought capable of serving his country, etc., etc.; gave
+his friend Pepper "a first-rate notice." Pepper was nominated, made a
+speech, and so highly piled up the agony in favor of Smithers, that
+Smithers was nominated--made a speech in favor of Skyblue and Flammer,
+upon the force of which both were nominated--the wheel within a wheel
+worked elegant; and the organs next day were sublimely eloquent upon the
+result of the grand caucus--candidates--unanimity--etc., etc., of these
+subterranean politicians. So are our great men manufactured for the
+public.
+
+
+
+
+Affecting Cruelty.
+
+
+A hard-fisted "old hunker," who has made $30,000 in fifty-one years, by
+saving up rags, old iron, bones, soap-grease, snipping off the edges of
+halves, quarters, and nine-pences, raised the whole neighborhood t'other
+evening. He came across a full-faced Spanish ninepence, and in an
+attempt to extract the jaw-teeth of the head, the poor thing squealed
+so, that the bells rang, and the South End watchmen hollered fire for
+about an hour! This "old gentleman" has a way of _sweating_ the crosses
+from a smooth fourpence, and makes them look so bran new, that he passes
+them for ten cent pieces! One case of his benevolence is "worthy of all
+praise;" he recently _gave away_ to a poor Irishman's family, a bunch of
+cobwebs, and an old hat he had worn since the battle of Bunker Hill;
+upon these bounties the Irishman started into business; he boiled the
+hunker's hat, and it yielded a bar of soap and a dozen tallow candles!
+If old Smearcase continues to fool away his hard-earned wealth in that
+manner, his friends ought to buy an injunction on his _will!_
+
+
+
+
+The Wolf Slayer.
+
+
+In 1800 the most of the State of Ohio, and nearly all of Indiana, was a
+dense wilderness, where the gaunt wolf and naked savage were masters of
+the wild woods and fertile plains, which now, before the sturdy blows of
+the pioneer's axe, and the farmer's plough, has been with almost magical
+effect converted into rich farms and thriving, beautiful villages.
+
+In the early settlement of the west, the pioneers suffered not only from
+the ruthless savage, but fearfully from the _wolf_. Many are the tales
+of terror told of these ferocious enemies of the white man, and his
+civilization. Many was the hunter, Indian as well as the Angle-Saxon,
+whose bones, made marrowless by the prowling hordes of the dark forest,
+have been scattered and bleached upon the war-path or Indian trail of
+the back-woods. In 1812-13, my father was contractor for the
+north-western army, under command of Gen. Wm. Henry Harrison. He
+supplied the army with beef; he bought up cattle along the Sciota valley
+and Ohio river, and drove them out to the army, then located at
+Sandusky. Chillicothe, then, was a small settlement on the Sciota river,
+and protected by a block house or rude fort, in which the inhabitants
+could scramble if the Indians made their appearance. My father resided
+here, and having collected a large drove of cattle, he set out up the
+valley with a few mounted men as a kind of guard to protect the drove
+against the prowling minions of Tecumseh.
+
+The third day out, late in the afternoon, being very warm weather, there
+arose a most terrific thunder-storm; the huge trees, by the violence of
+the wind and sharp lightning, were uprooted and rent into thousands of
+particles, and the panic-stricken herd scattered in every direction. I
+have seen the havoc made in forests through which one of these tornadoes
+has taken its way, or I should be incredulous to suppose whole acres of
+trees, hundreds of years old, could be torn up, or snapped off like
+reeds upon the river side.
+
+The fury of the whirlwind seemed to increase as the night grew darker,
+until cattle, men and horses, were killed, crippled and dispersed. My
+father crawled under the lee of a large sycamore that had fell, and
+here, partly protected from the rain and falling timber, he lay down. I
+have camped out some, and can readily anticipate the comfort of the old
+gentleman's situation, and not at all disposed was he to go to sleep
+mounted upon such guard.
+
+At length the work of destruction and ruin being done, the storm abated,
+the rain ceased to _pour_ and the winds to wag their noisy tongues so
+furiously. A wolf _howl_, and of all fearful howls, or yelps uttered by
+beasts of prey, none can, I think, be more alarming and terrific to the
+ear than the _wolf_ howl as he scents carnage. A wolf howl broke
+fearfully upon the drover's ear as he lay crouched beneath the sycamore.
+It was a familiar sound, and therefore, and _then_ the more dreadful.
+The drover carried a good Yeager rifle, knife, and pistols, but a man
+laden with arms in the midst of a troop of famished wolves, was as
+helpless as the tempest-tossed mariner in the midst of the ocean's
+storm. The _howl_ had scarcely echoed over the dark wood, before it was
+answered by dozens on every side! And as the drover's keen eye pierced
+the gloom around him, the dancing, fiery glare of the wolf's eyes met
+his wistful gaze.
+
+The forest now resounded with the maddened banqueting beast, and as the
+glaring eyes came nearer and nearer, the drover hugged his Yeager
+tightly, and prepared to defend life while yet it lasted. Suddenly the
+sharp crack of a rifle was heard, and then a loud scream or cry of
+terror burst upon the air, a rushing sound, a man pursued by a troop of
+wolves fled by the drover and his cover; scream after scream rent the
+air, and the drover knew that a companion had fell a victim to the wolf
+in his attempt at self-defence. The night was a long one, and thus,
+among the savage beasts, a fearful one. The report of another rifle
+again broke upon the ear, and again, and again did the hunting iron
+speak, and the wolf howl salute it. A pair of eyes glared hurriedly upon
+the drover, and he could not resist the desire to use his Yeager, and
+the wolf taking the contents of the rifle in his mouth, rolled over,
+while a score rushed up to fill his place. Oh! how dreadful must have
+been the suspense and feelings of the drover as he lay crouched under
+the old tree, surrounded by this horde of glaring eyes, his ears split
+with their awful _howl_, and their hot and venomous breath fairly in his
+face! But the wolf is a base coward, and will not meet a man eye to eye,
+and so protected lay the drover, with his clenched teeth and unquivering
+eye, that the wolf had no chance to attack, but by rushing up to his
+very front. The red tongue lapped, the fierce teeth were arrayed and the
+demon eyes glaring, but the drover quailed not, and the cowardly wolf
+stood at bay. The sharp crack of the distant rifle still smote upon the
+air and the loud howl still went up over the forest around. The first
+faint streaks that deck the sky at morn, the fresh breath of coming day
+caught the keen scent of the bloody prowlers, and they began to skulk
+off. The drover gave the retreating cowards a farewell shot from his
+pistols, tumbled a lank, grey demon over, and the wolf howl soon died
+off in the distance.
+
+Daylight now appeared, and the drover crawled from his lair. His loud
+_whoop!_ to the disbanded men and drove was answered by the neigh of a
+horse, who came galloping up, and proved to be his own good hunter, who
+seemed happy indeed to meet his master. Another _whoop-e_ brought a
+responsive shout, and finally four men out of the twelve, with seven
+horses and a few straggling cattle, were mustered. The forest was strewn
+with torn carcasses of cattle and horses, mostly killed by the falling
+timber, and partly devoured by the ravenous wolves. A few hundred yards
+from the tree where the drover lay, was found a few fragments of
+clothes, the knife and rifle, and a half-eaten body of one of the
+soldiers. He had fought with the desperation of a mad man, and the dead
+and crippled wolves lay as trophies around the bold soldier. In a hollow
+near the river they found a horse and man partly eaten up, and several
+cattle that had apparently been hotly pursued and torn to death by the
+rapacious beasts. They started out in search of the spot from whence the
+drover had heard the firing in the night. They soon discovered the
+place; at the foot of a large dead sycamore stump, some twelve feet high
+lay the carcasses of a dozen or twenty wolves. Each wolf had his scalp
+neatly taken off, and his head elaborately bored by the rifle ball. An
+Indian ladder, that is, a scrubby saplin', trimmed with footholds left
+on it, was laying against the old tree, at the top of which was a sort
+of a rude scaffold, contrived, evidently, by a hunter. At a distance, in
+a hollow, was seen a great profusion of wolf skulls and bones, but no
+sign of a human being could there be traced. The party made a fire, and
+as beef lay plenty around, they regaled themselves heartily, after their
+night of horror and disaster. Having finished their repast, they
+separated, each taking different courses to hunt and drive up such of
+the stray cattle as could be found. My father, whom I have designated as
+the drover, pursued his way over the vast piles of fallen, tangled
+timber, leaping from one tree to the other. As he was about to throw
+himself over the trunk of a mighty prostrate oak, he found himself
+within two feet of one of the largest and most ferocious wolves that
+ever expanded its broad jaws and displayed its fierce tushes to the eye
+of man. Both parties were taken so suddenly by surprise, by this
+collision, that they seemed to be rooted to the spot without power to
+move. I have heard of serpents charming birds, said the drover, but I
+never believed in the theory until I found myself fairly magnetized by
+this great she-wolf. The wolf stood and snarled with its golden fiery
+eye bent upon the drover, who never moved his steady gaze from the
+wolf's face.
+
+There is not a beast in existence that will attack a man if he keeps his
+eyes steady upon the animal, but will cower and sneak off, and so did
+the wolf. But no sooner had she turned her head and with a howl started
+off, than a blue pill from the drover's Yeager split her skull, and
+brought her career to a speedy termination.
+
+_Whoo-ep!_
+
+A shout so peculiar to the lusty lungs of the western hunter made the
+welkin ring again, and as the astonished drover turned towards the
+shouter, he beheld a sight that proved quite as formidable as the wolf
+he had just slain.
+
+"Well done, stranger; you're the man for me; I like you. That shot done
+my heart good, though I was about to do the old she devil's business for
+ye, seeing as you war sort o' close quartered with the varmint."
+
+"Thank you," responded the drover, addressing the speaker, a tall,
+gaunt, iron-featured, weather-beaten figure, with long grey hair, and a
+rude suit of wolf-skin clothing, cap and moccasins. He held in his long
+arms a large rifle, a knife in his belt, and a powder horn slung over
+his side. He seemed the very patriarch of the woods, but good humored,
+and with his rough hilarity soon explained his presence there.
+
+"Well, stranger," said he, "you have had a mighty chance of bad luck yer
+last night, and I never saw them cursed varmints so crazy afore."
+
+"Do you live in these parts?" inquired the drover.
+
+"Ha! ha! yes, yes," replied the hunter. "I live yer, I live anywhar's
+whar wolf can be found. But you don't know me, I reckon, stranger?"
+
+"I do not," said the drover.
+
+"Ha! ha! well, that's quare, mighty quare. I thought thar warn't a man
+this side the blue ridge but what knows me and old _kit_ here, (his
+rifle.) Well, seeing you are a stranger, I'll just take that old
+sarpent's top-knot off, and have a talk with ye."
+
+With this introductory of matters, the hunter in the wolf-skins scalped
+the wolf, and tucking the scalp in his belt, motioned the drover to
+follow. He led the way in deep silence some half a mile to a small
+stream, down which they proceeded for some distance, until they came to
+a low and rudely-constructed cabin. Here the hunter requested the drover
+to take a seat on a log, in front of the cabin, while he entered through
+a small aperture in his hut, and brought forth a pipe, tobacco, and some
+dried meat. These dainties being discussed, old Nimrod the mean time
+kept chuckling to himself, and mumbling over the idea that there should
+be a white man or _Ingin_ this side the blue ridge that didn't know
+_him_.
+
+"Ha! ha! well, well, I swar, it is curious, stranger, that you don't
+know me, _me_ that kin show more _Ingin_ skelps than any white man that
+ever trod these war paths; _me_, who kin shoot more wolves and fetch in
+more of the varmints' skelps in one night than any white man or _Ingin_
+that ever trod this wilderness. But I'm gittin' old, very old,
+forgotten, and here comes a white man clean and straight from the
+settlements and he don't know me; I swar I've lived to be clean ashamed
+o' myself." And with this soliloquy, half to himself and partly
+addressed to the drover, the old hunter seemed almost fit to cry, at his
+imaginary insignificance and dotage.
+
+"But, friend," said the drover, "as you have not yet informed me by what
+name I may call you--"
+
+"_Call_ me, stranger? why I _am_"--and here his eyes glared as he threw
+himself into a heroic attitude--"Chris Green, _old_ Chris Green, the
+_wolf slayer!_ But, God bless ye, stranger, p'r'aps you're from t'other
+side the ridge, and don't know old Chris's history."
+
+"That I frankly admit," replied the drover.
+
+"Well, God bless ye, I love my fellow white men, yes, I do, though I
+live yer by myself, and clothe myself with the varmints' skins, go but
+seldom to the settlements, and live on what old kit thar provides me.
+
+"Well, stranger, my history's a mighty mournful one, but as yer unlucky
+like myself and plenty of business to 'tend to 'fore night, I'll make my
+troubles short to ye.
+
+"Well, you see about thirty years ago, I left the blue ridge with a
+party of my neighbors to come down yer in the Sciota country, to see it,
+and lay plans to drive the cussed red skins clean out of it. Well, the
+red skins appeared rather quiet, what few we fell in with, and monstrous
+civil. But cuss the sarpints, there's no more dependence to be put in
+'em than the cantankerous wolves, and roast 'em, I always sets old kit
+talkin' Dutch to them varmints, the moment I claps eyes on 'em. The
+wolf's my nat'ral inimy--I'd walk forty miles to git old kit a wolf
+skelp. Well, we travelled all over the valley, and we gin it as our
+opinion that the Sciota country was the garden spot o' the world, and if
+we could only defend ourselves 'gainst the inimy we should move right
+down yer at once. We went back home, and the next spring a hull
+settlement on us came down yer. My neighbors thought it best for us all
+to settle down together at Chillicothe, whar a few Ingin huts and cabins
+war. I had a wife, and son and da'ter; now, stranger, I loved 'em as
+dearer to me 'nor life or heart's blood itself. Well, the red skins soon
+began to show their pranks--they stole our cre'ters (horses), shot down
+our cattle, and made all manner o' trouble for the little settlement. At
+last I proposed we should build a clever-sized block house, strong and
+stanch, in which our wimen folks and children, with a few men to guard
+'em, could hold out a few days, while a handful o' us scoured Paint
+hills and the country about, and peppered a few of the cussed red
+devils. We had been out some four or five days when we fell in with the
+inimy; it war just about sunset, and the red skins war camped in a
+hollow close by this spot. We intended to let 'em get through their
+smoking and stretch themselves for the night, and then squar our
+accounts with 'em. Stranger, I've lived in these woods thirty years, I
+never saw such a hurricane as we had yer last night, 'cept once. The
+night we lay in ambush for the _Ingins_, six-and-twenty years ago, thar
+came up a hurricane, the next mornin' eleven of the bodies of my
+neighbors lay crushed along the bottom yer, and for a hundred miles
+along the Sciota, whar the hurricane passed, the great walnuts and
+sycamore lay blasted, root and branch, just as straight as ye'd run a
+bee line; no timber grow'd upon these bottoms since. Five on us escaped
+the hurricane, but before day we fell in with a large party of red
+skins, and we fought 'em like devils; three on us fell; myself and the
+only neighbor left war obliged to fly to the hills. I made my way to the
+settlement.
+
+"Stranger, when I looked down from the hills of Paint creek, and saw the
+block house scattered over the bottom, and not a cabin standin' or a
+livin' cre'ter to be seen in the settlement of Chillicothe, my heart
+left me; I become a woman at once, and sot down and cry'd as if I'd been
+whipped to death." The old man's voice grew husky, and the tears
+suffused his eyes, but after a few sighs and a tear, he proceeded:
+
+"Well, you see, stranger, a man cannot always be a child, nor a woman,
+either; my crying spell appeared to ease my heart amazin'ly. I
+shouldered old kit here, and down I went to examine things. The
+hurricane had scattered every thing; the fire had been at work too, but,
+great God! the bloody _wolf_ had been thar, the settlement was kivered
+with the bloody bones of my own family and friends; if any had escaped
+the hurricane, the fire or wolf, the _Ingins_ finished 'em, for I never
+seen 'em afterwards; I couldn't bear to stay about the place, I'd no
+home, friend, or kindred. I took to the woods, and swore eternal death
+to the red skins and my nat'ral inimy, the _wolf!_ I've been true to my
+word, stranger; that cabin is lined with skelps and ornamented with
+Ingin _top-knots!_ Look in, ha! ha! see there! they may well call old
+Chris the _Wolf Slayer!_"
+
+The drover regaled his eyes on the trophies of the old forlorn hunter,
+and then visited the _perch_, which was situated close by a "deer lick,"
+where wolves resorted to fall upon their victims. And from this _perch_
+old _Wolf Slayer_ had made fearful work upon his nat'ral inimy the night
+previous. The old hunter assisted, during the day, to collect such of
+the scattered drove as yet were alive or to be found; the men came with
+another of their companions, and the small drove and men left the scene
+of terror and disaster, wishing a God-speed to the _Wolf Slayer_.
+
+
+
+
+The Man that knew 'em All.
+
+
+If you have ever "been around" some, and taken notice of things, you
+have doubtless seen the man who knows pretty much every thing and every
+body!
+
+I've seen them frequently. As the old preacher observed to a venerable
+lady, in reference to _forerunners_, "I see 'em now." Well, talking of
+that rare and curious specimen of the human family, the man that knows
+every body, I've rather an amusing reminiscence of "one of 'em."
+Stopping over night at the Virginia House, in that jumping off place of
+Western Virginia, Wheeling, some years ago, I had the pleasure or
+pastime of meeting several of the big guns of the nation, on their way
+from Washington city, home. It was in August, I think, when, as is most
+generally the case, the Ohio river gets monstrous low and feeble; when
+all of the large steamers are past getting up so far, and travelling
+down the river becomes quite amusing to amateurs, and particularly
+tedious and monotonous to business people, bound home. Three hundred
+travellers, more or less, were laying back at the "Virginia" and "United
+States," in the aforesaid hardscrabble of a city, or town, waiting for
+the river to get up, or some means for them to get down.
+
+The session of Congress had closed at Washington, some time before, and
+as almost all of the M. C.'s, U. S. S.'s, wire pullers, hangers on,
+blacklegs, horse jockeys, etc., etc., came over "the National Road" to
+Wheeling, to take the river for Southern and Western destinations, of
+course the assemblage at that place, at that time, was promiscuous, and
+quite interesting; at least, Western and Southern men always make
+themselves happy and interesting, home or abroad, and particularly so
+when travelling. It was a glorious thing for the proprietors of the
+hotels, to have such a host of guests, as a house full of company always
+is a "host," the guests having nothing else to do but lay back, eat,
+drink, and be merry, and foot the bills when ready, or when opportunity
+offers, to---- go.
+
+They drank and smoked, and drank again, and told jests, and played games
+and tricks, and thus passed the time along. Among the multitude was one
+of those ever-talkative and chanting men of the world, who knew all
+places and all men--as _he_ would have it. Just after removing the
+cloth, at dinner, a knot of the old jokers, bacchanalians and wits,
+settled away in a cluster, at the far end of a long table, and were
+having a very pleasant time. The man of all talk was there; he was the
+very _nucleus_ of all that was being said or done. He was from below,
+somewhere, on his way, as he informed the crowd, to Washington city,
+upon affairs of no slight importance to himself and the country in
+general.
+
+"Oho!" says one of the party, a sly, winking, fat and rosy gentleman,
+whom we shall designate hereafter, "you're bound to the capital, eh?"
+
+"Yes, _sir_," responded the man of all talk.
+
+"Of course you've been there before?" says the interrogator, nudging a
+friend, and winking at the rest.
+
+"_What?_ Me been in Washington before? Ha, ha! _me_ been _there_ before!
+Bless you, me _been_ in Washington city!"
+
+"Oho! ha, ha!" says the interrogator, "you're one of the caucus folks,
+eh? One of them wire pullers we read about, eh?"
+
+"_Me?_ Caucus? Ha, ha! Mum's the word, gents, (looking killingly
+cunning.) Come, gentlemen, let's fill up. Ha, ha! me pulling the--ha,
+ha! Well, here's to the old Constitution; let's hang by her, while
+there's a--a--a button on Jabe's coat."
+
+And they all responded, of course, to this eloquent sentiment.
+
+"Here's to Jabe's buttons, coat, hat, and breeches."
+
+"Excuse me," continued the first operator, after the toast was wet down,
+"you'll please excuse me, in behalf of some of my friends here; as
+you've been down in that dratted place, and must know a good deal of the
+goings on there, I'd like to inquire about a few things we Western folks
+don't more than get an inkling of, through the papers."
+
+"Certainly; go on, sir," says the victim, assuming all the dignity and
+depth of a man that's appealed to to settle a ponderous matter.
+
+"I'd like to inquire if those Kitchen Cabinet disclosures of the
+Pennsylvania Senator, were true. Had you ever any means of satisfying
+yourself that there is, or was, a real service of gold in the
+President's house?"
+
+"Aye! that's what we'd all like to know," says another.
+
+"How many pieces were there?"
+
+"_What_ were they?"
+
+"Aye, and what their _heft_ was?"
+
+"Mum, gentlemen; let's drink--no tales out of school, ha, ha! No,
+no--mum's the word." And looking funny and deep, merry and wise, all at
+one and the same time, the man of all talk proposed to drink and
+keep---- _mum_.
+
+But they wouldn't drink, and insisted on the secret being let out--they
+wanted a decided and positive answer, from a man who knew the ropes.
+
+"Gentlemen," said the victim, dropping his voice into a sort of
+melo-dramatic stage whisper, and stooping quite over the table, so as to
+collect the several heads and ears as close into a phalanx as possible:
+"gentlemen, it's a _fact!_"
+
+"What?" says the party.
+
+"All gold!" says the victim.
+
+"A gold service?" inquires the party.
+
+"_Thirty-eight pieces!_" continued the victim.
+
+"Solid gold?" chimed the rest.
+
+"_Just half a ton in heft!_"
+
+"You don't tell us _that_?"
+
+"Know it; eat out of 'em, _then weighed 'em all!_"
+
+"P-h-e-w!" whistled some, while others went into stronger exclamations.
+
+"_Fact, by the great_ ----"
+
+"Oh, it's all right, sir; no doubt of it now, sir," said the mover of
+the business, grasping the victim's upraised arm.
+
+"Then, of course, sir, you're well acquainted with Matty Van; on good
+terms with the little Magician," continued the leading wag.
+
+"_Me?_ me on good terms with Matty? Ha, ha! that is a good joke; never
+go to Washington without cracking a bottle with the little fox, and
+staying over night with him. _Me_ on good terms with Matty? _We've had
+many a spree together!_ Yes, _sir!_" and the knowing one winked right
+and left.
+
+"Well, there's old Bullion," continued one of the interrogators, a fine
+portly old gent, "you know him, of course?"
+
+"What, Tom Benton? Bless your souls, I don't know my letters half as
+well as I know old Tom."
+
+"And Bill Allen, of Ohio?" asked another. "What sort of a fellow is
+Bill?"
+
+"Bill Allen? Lord O! isn't he a coon? Bill Allen? I wish I had a dime
+for every horn, and game of bluff, we've had together."
+
+"Well, there's another of 'em," inquiringly asked a fat, farmer-looking
+old codger: "Dr. Duncan, how's he stand down there about Washington?"
+
+"Oh, well, he's a pretty good sort of an old chap, but, gents, between
+you and I, (with another whisper,) there is a good deal of the 'old
+fogie' senna and salts about him. But then he's death and the pale hoss
+on poker."
+
+"What, Doctor Duncan?" says they.
+
+"Why, y-e-e-s, of course. Didn't he skin me out of my watch last winter,
+playing poker, at Willard's?"
+
+"Well," continued the fat farmer-looking man, "I didn't know Duncan
+_gambled_?"
+
+"Mum, not a word out of school; ha, ha! Let's drink, gents. Gamble? Lord
+bless you, it's common as dish-water down there--I've played euchre for
+hours with old Tom Benton, Harry Clay and Gen. Scott, _right behind the
+speaker's chair!_"
+
+_Then_ they all _drank_, of course, and some of the party liked to have
+choked. The company now proposed to adjourn to the smoking room, and
+they arose and left the table accordingly. The man of all talk
+promenaded out on to the steps, and in course of half an hour, says the
+leading spirit of the late dinner, or wine party, to him:--
+
+"Mr. ----a--a--?"
+
+"Ferguson, sir; George Adolphus Ferguson is my address, sir," responded
+the victim.
+
+"Mr. Ferguson, did you know that your friend Benton was in town?"
+inquired the wag.
+
+"What, Tom Benton here?"
+
+"And Allen," continued the wag.
+
+"What, Bill Allen, too?" says the victim.
+
+"And Doctor Duncan."
+
+"You don't tell me all them fellows are here?"
+
+"Yes, sir, your friends are all here. Come in and see them; your friends
+will be delighted," says the wag, taking Mister Ferguson by the arm, to
+lead him in.
+
+"Ha, ha! I'm a--a--ha, ha! _won't_ we have a time? But you just step
+in--I a--I'll be in in one moment," but in less than half the time, Mr.
+Ferguson mizzled, no one knew whither!
+
+The gentlemen at the table, it is almost needless to say, were no others
+than Benton, Allen, Duncan, and some three or four other arbiters of the
+fate of our immense and glorious nation, in her councils, and fresh from
+the capital.
+
+Ferguson has not been heard of since.
+
+
+
+
+A Severe Spell of Sickness.
+
+
+It is the easiest thing under heaven to be sick, if you can afford it.
+What it costs some rich men for family sickness per annum, would keep
+all the children in "a poor neighborhood" in "vittels" and clothes the
+year round. When old Cauliflower took sick, once in a long life-time, he
+was prevailed upon to send for Dr. Borax, and it was some weeks before
+Cauliflower got down stairs again. At the end of the year Dr. Borax sent
+in his bill; the amount gave Cauliflower spasms in his pocket-book, and
+threatened a whole year's profits with strangulation.
+
+"Doctor," says Cauliflower, "that bill of yours is all-fired steep,
+isn't it?"
+
+"No, sir," says Borax; "your case was a dangerous case--I never raised a
+man from the grave with such difficulty, in all my practice!"
+
+"But, fifty-three _calls_, doctor, one hundred and six dollars."
+
+"Exactly--two dollars a visit, sir," said the urbane doctor.
+
+"And twenty-seven prescriptions, four plasters, &c.--eighty-one
+dollars!"
+
+"One hundred and eighty-seven dollars, sir."
+
+"Well," says Cauliflower, "this may be all very _well_ for people who
+can af-_ford_ it, but I can't; there's your money, doctor, but I'll bet
+you won't catch me sick as that again--_soon!_"
+
+
+
+
+The Race of the Aldermen.
+
+
+In 183-, it chanced in the big city of New York, that the aldermen elect
+were a sort of _tie_; that is, so many whigs and so many democrats. Such
+a thing did not occur often, the democracy usually having the supremacy.
+They generally had things pretty much all their own way, and distributed
+their favors among their partizans accordingly. The whigs at length
+_tied_ them, and the _locos_, beholding with horror and misgivings, the
+new order of things which was destined to turn out many a holder of fat
+office, many a pat-riot overflowing with democratic patriotism, whose
+devotion to the cause of the country was manifest in the tenacity with
+which he clung to his place, were extremely anxious to devise ways and
+means to keep the whigs at bay; and as the day drew near, when the
+assembled Board of Aldermen should have their sitting at the City Hall,
+various _dodges_ were proposed by the locos to out-vote the whigs, in
+questions or decisions touching the distribution of places, and
+appointment of men to fill the various stations of the new municipal
+government.
+
+"I have it--I've got it!" exclaimed a round and jolly alderman of a
+democratic ward. "To-night the Board meets--we stand about eight and
+eight--this afternoon, let two of us invite two of the whigs, Alderman
+H---- and Alderman J----, out to a dinner at Harlem, get H---- and J----
+tight as wax, and then we can slip off, take our conveyance, come in,
+and vote the infernal whigs just where we want them!"
+
+"Capital! prime! Ha, ha, ha!" says one.
+
+"First rate! elegant! ha, ha, ha!" shouts another.
+
+"Ha, ha! haw! haw! he, he, he!" roared all the locys.
+
+"Well, gentlemen, let's all throw in a V apiece, to defray expenses; we,
+you know, of course, must put the whigs _through_, and we must give them
+a rouse they won't forget soon. Champagne and turtle, that's the ticket;
+coach for four _out_ and two _in_. Ha, ha!--The whigs shall see the
+elephant!"
+
+Well, the purse was made up, the coach hired, and the two victims, the
+poor whigs, were carted out under the pretence of a grand aldermanic
+feast to Harlem, the scene of many a spree and jollification with the
+city fathers, and other bon vivants and gourmands of Gotham.
+
+Dinner fit for an emperor being discussed, sundry bottles of "Sham" were
+uncorked, and their effervescing contents decanted into the well-fed
+bodies of the four aldermen. Toasts and songs, wit and humor, filled up
+the time, until the democrats began to think it was time that one of
+them slipped out, took the carriage back to the city, leaving the other
+to _fuddle_ the two whigs, and detain them until affairs at "the Tea
+Room," City Hall, were settled to the entire satisfaction of the
+democrats.
+
+"Landlord," says one of the democrats, whom we will call Brown,
+"landlord, have you any conveyance, horses, wagons, carriages or carts,
+by which any of my friends could go back to town to-night, if they
+wish?"
+
+"Oh, yes," says the landlord, "certainly--I can send the gentlemen in if
+they wish."
+
+"Very well, sir,--they may get very _tight_ before they desire to
+return--they are men of families, respectable citizens, and I do not
+wish them, under any circumstances, to leave your house until morning.
+Whatever the bill is I will foot, provided you deny them any of your
+means to go in to-night. You understand!"
+
+"Oh! yes, sir--if you request it as a matter of favor, that I shall
+keep your friends here, I will endeavor to do so--but hadn't you better
+attend to them yourself?"
+
+"Well, you see," says Brown, "I have business of importance to
+transact--must be in town this evening. Give the party all they
+wish--put that in your fob--(handing the host an X)--post up your bill
+in the morning, and I'll be out bright and early to make all square. Do
+you hark?" says Brown.
+
+"Oh, yes, sir--all right," responded the landlord.
+
+Brown gave his confederate the _cue_, stepped out, promising to "be in
+in a minute," and then, getting into a carriage, he drove back to the
+city, almost tickled to death with the idea of how nicely the whigs
+would be "dished" when they all met at the City Hall, and came up minus
+_two!_
+
+Smith, Brown's loco friend, did his best to keep the thing up, by
+calling in the New Jersey thunder and lightning--vulgarly known as
+Champagne--and even walked into the aforesaid t. and l. so deeply
+himself, that a man with half an eye might see Smith would be as blind
+as an owl in the course of the evening. But Smith was bound to do the
+thing up brown, and thought no sacrifice too great or too expensive to
+preserve the loaves and fishes of his party. All of a sudden, however,
+night was drawing on a pace, the whigs began to smell a _mice_. The
+absence of Brown, and the excessive politeness and liberality of Smith,
+in hurrying up the bottles, settled it in the minds of the whigs, that
+something was going on dangerous to the whig cause, and that they had
+better look out--_and so they did_.
+
+"Jones," says one of the whigs, _sotto voce_, to the other, "Brown has
+cleared; it is evident he and Smith calculate to corner us here, prevent
+your presence in 'the Tea Room' to-night, and thus defeat your vote."
+
+"The deuce! You don't think that, Hall, do you?"
+
+"Faith, I do; but we won't be caught napping. Waiter, bring in a bottle
+of brandy."
+
+"Brandy?" said Smith, in astonishment. "Why, you ain't going to dive
+right into it, in that way, are you?"
+
+"Why not?" says Hall. "Brandy's the best thing in the world to settle
+your nerves after getting half fuddled on Champagne, my boy; just you
+try it--take a good stiff horn. Brown, you see, has _cut_, we must
+follow; so let's straighten up and get ready for a start. Here's to 'the
+loaves and fishes.'" Jones and Hall took their horns of Cogniac, which
+does really make some men sober as judges after they are very drunk on
+real or spurious Champagne.
+
+"Well," says Smith, "it's my opinion we'll all be very _tight_ going in
+this way, brandy on Champagne; but here goes to the fishes and
+loaves--the loaves and fishes, I mean."
+
+The brandy had a rather contrary effect from what it does usually; it
+did _settle_ Smith--in five minutes he was so very "boozy" that his chin
+bore down upon his breast, he became as "limber as a rag," and snored
+like a pair of bagpipes.
+
+"Now, Jones," says Hall, "let's be off. Landlord, get us a gig, wagon,
+carriage, cart, any thing, and let's be off; we must be in town
+immediately."
+
+"Sorry, gentlemen, but can't oblige you--haven't a vehicle on the
+premises!"
+
+"Why, confound it, you don't pretend to say you can't send us into town
+to-night, do you?" says Jones, waxing uneasy.
+
+"Haven't you a horse, jackass, mule or a wheelbarrow--any thing, so we
+can be carted in, right off, too?" says Hall.
+
+"Can't help it, gentlemen."
+
+"What time do the _cars_ come along?" eagerly inquires Jones.
+
+"About nine o'clock," coolly replies the host.
+
+"Nine fools!" shouted the discomfited alderman. "But this won't do;
+come, Jones, no help for it--can't fool us in that way--eight miles to
+the City Hall--two hours to do it in; off coat and _let's foot it!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The City Hall clock had just struck 7 P. M., the Tea Room was lighted up,
+the assembled wisdom of the municipal government had their toadies, and
+reporters and lookers-on were there; the room was quite full. Brown was
+there, in the best of spirits, and the locos all fairly snorted with
+glee at the scientific manner in which Brown had "done" Jones and Hall
+out of their votes! The business of the evening was climaxing: the whigs
+missing two of their number, were in quite a spasm of doubt and fear.
+The chairman called the meeting to order. The roll was called: seven
+"good and true" locos answered the call. Six whigs had answered: the
+seventh was being called: the locos were grinning, and twisting their
+fingers at the apex of their noses!
+
+"Alderman Jones! Alderman Jones!" bawled the roll-caller.
+
+"Here!" roared the missing individual, bursting into the room.
+
+"Alderman Hall!" continued the roll.
+
+"Here!" responded that notable worthy, rushing in, entirely blowed out.
+
+"Beat, by thunder!" roared the locos, in grand chorus; and in the modern
+classics of the Bowery, "they wasn't any thing else." The whigs not only
+had the cut but the entire _deal_ in the appointments that time, and
+Alderman Brown had a _bill_ at Harlem, a little more serious to foot
+than the racing of the aldermen to get a chance to vote.
+
+
+
+
+Getting Square.
+
+
+It seems to be just as natural for a subordinate in a "grocery" to levy
+upon the _till_, for material aid to his own pocket, as for the sparks
+to fly upwards or water run down hill. Innumerable stories are told of
+the peculations of these "light-fingered gentry," but one of the best of
+the boodle is a story we are now about to dress up and trot out, for
+your diversion.
+
+A tavern-keeper in this city, some years ago, advertised for a
+bar-keeper, "a young man from the country preferred!" Among the several
+applicants who exhibited themselves "for the vacancy," was a decent,
+harmless-looking youth whose general _contour_ at once struck the
+tavern-keeper with most favorable impressions.
+
+"So you wish to try your hand tending bar?"
+
+"Yes, sir," said he.
+
+"Have you ever tended bar?"
+
+"No, sir; but I do not doubt my ability to learn."
+
+"Yes, yes, you can learn fast enough," says the tavern-keeper. "In fact,
+I'm glad you are green at the business, you will suit me the better; the
+last fellow I had come to me recommended as one of the best bar-keepers
+in New Orleans; he was posted up in all the fancy drinks and fancy
+names, he wore fancy clothes and had a fancy dog, and I fancied pretty
+soon that the rascal had taken a fancy to my small change, so I
+discharged him in double quick time."
+
+"Served him right, sir," said the new applicant.
+
+"Of course I did. Well now, sir, I'll engage you; you can get the 'run'
+of things in a few weeks. I will give you twenty-five dollars a month,
+first month, and thirty dollars a month for the balance of the year."
+
+"I'll accept it, sir," says the youth.
+
+"Do you think it's enough?"
+
+"O, yes, indeed, sir!"
+
+"Well," says Boniface. "Now mark me, young man, I will pay you,
+punctually, but you mustn't pay yourself extra wages!"
+
+"Pay myself?" says the unsophisticated youth.
+
+"Musn't take 'the run' of the till!"
+
+"Run of the till?"
+
+"No knocking down, sir!"
+
+"O, bless you!" quoth the verdant youth, "I am as good-natured as a
+lamb; I never knocked any body down in all my life."
+
+"Ha! ha!" ejaculated the landlord; "he _is_ green, so I won't teach him
+what he don't know. What's your name?"
+
+"Absalom Hart, sir."
+
+"Good Christian-like name, and I've no doubt we shall agree together,
+for a long time; so go to work."
+
+Absalom "pitched in," a whole year passed, Absalom and the landlord got
+along slick as a whistle. Another year, two, three, four; never was
+there a more attentive, diligent and industrious bar-keeper behind a
+marble slab, or armed with a toddy stick. He was the _ne plus ultra_ of
+bar-keepers, a perfect paragon of toddy mixers. But one day, somehow or
+other, the landlord found himself in custody of the sheriff, bag and
+baggage. Business had not fallen off, every thing seemed properly
+managed, but, somehow or other, the landlord broke, failed, caved in,
+and the sheriff sold him out.
+
+Who bought the concern? Absalom Hart--nobody else. Some of the people
+were astonished.
+
+"Well, who would have thought it?"
+
+"Hurrah for Absalom!"
+
+"By George, that was quick work!" were the remarks of the outsiders,
+when the fact of the sale and purchase became known. The landlord felt
+quite humbled, he was out of house and home, but he had a friend,
+surely.
+
+"Mr. Hart, things work queer in this world, sometimes."
+
+"Think so?" quietly responded the new landlord.
+
+"I do, indeed; yesterday I was up, and to-day I am down."
+
+"Very true, sir."
+
+"Yesterday you were down, to-day you are up."
+
+"Very true; time works wonders, Mr. Smith."
+
+"It does indeed, sir. Now, Mr. Hart, I am out of employment--got my
+family to support; I always trusted I treated you like a man, didn't I?"
+
+"A--ye-e-s, you did, I believe."
+
+"Now, I want you to employ me; I have a number of friends who of course
+will patronize our house while I am in it, and you can afford me a fair
+sort of a living to help you."
+
+"Well, Mr. Smith," said Mr. Hart, "I suppose I shall have to hire
+somebody, and as I don't believe in taking a raw hand from the country,
+I will take one who understands all about it. I'll engage you; so go to
+work."
+
+"Thank you, Mr. Hart." And so the master became the man, and the man the
+master.
+
+"Poor Smith, he's down!" cries one old habitue of the 'General
+Washington' bar-room. "I carkelated he'd gin out afore long, if he let
+other people 'tend to his business instead of himself."
+
+"I didn't like that fellow Absalom, no how," says another old head;
+"he's 'bout skin'd Smith."
+
+"Well, Smith kin be savin', he's larnt something," says a third, "and
+oughter try to get on to his pegs again."
+
+But when Absalom gave his "free blow," these fellows all "went in,"
+partook of the landlord's hospitality, and hoped--of course they
+did--that he might live several thousand years, and make a fortune!
+
+Time slid on--Smith was attentive, no bar-keeper more assiduous and
+devoted to the toddy affairs of the house, than Jerry Smith, the
+pseudo-bar-keeper of Absalom Hart. Absalom being landlord of a popular
+drinking establishment, was surrounded by politicians, horse jockies,
+and various otherwise complexioned, fancy living personages. Ergo,
+Absalom began to lay off and enjoy himself; he had his horses, dogs, and
+other pastimes; got married, and cut it very "fat." One day he got
+involved for a friend, got into unnecessary expenses, was sued for
+complicated debts, and so entangled with adverse circumstances, that at
+the end of his third year as landlord, the sheriff came in, and the
+"General Washington" again came under the hammer.
+
+Now, who will become purchaser? Every body wondered who would become the
+next customer.
+
+"I will, by George!" says Smith. And Smith did; he had worked long and
+_faith_fully, and he had saved something. Smith bought out the whole
+concern, and once more he was landlord of the "General Washington."
+
+Absalom was cut down, like a hollyhock in November--he was dead broke,
+and felt, in his present situation, flat, stale, and unprofitable
+enough.
+
+"Mr. Smith," said Absalom, the day after the collapse, "I am once more
+on my oars."
+
+"Yes, Ab, so it seems; it's a queer world, sometimes we are up, and
+sometimes we are down. Time, Ab, works wonders, as you once very
+forcibly remarked."
+
+"It does, indeed, sir."
+
+"We have only to keep up our spirits, Ab, go ahead; the world is large,
+if it is full of changes."
+
+"True, sir, very true. I was about to remark, Mr. Smith--"
+
+"Well, Ab."
+
+"That we have known one another--"
+
+"Pretty well, I think!"
+
+"A long time, sir--"
+
+"Yes, Ab."
+
+"And when I was up and you down--"
+
+"Yes, go on."
+
+"I gave you a chance to keep your head above water."
+
+"True enough, Ab, my boy."
+
+"Now, sir, I want you to give me charge of the bar again, and I'll off
+coat and go to work like a Trojan."
+
+"Ab Hart," said Smith, "when you came to me, you was so green you could
+hardly tell a crossed quarter from a bogus pistareen--the 'run of the
+till' you learnt in a week, while in less than a month you was the best
+hand at 'knocking down' I ever met! There's fifty dollars, you and I are
+square; we will keep so--go!"
+
+Poor Absalom was beat at his own game, and soon left for parts unknown.
+
+
+
+
+People Do Differ!
+
+
+Fifty years ago, Uncle Sam was almost a stranger on the maps; he hadn't
+a friend in the world, apparently, while he had more enemies than he
+could shake a stick at. Every body snubbed him, and every body wanted to
+lick him. But Sam has now grown to be a crowder; his spunk, too, goes up
+with his resources, and he don't wait for any body to "knock the chip
+off his hat," but goes right smack up to a crowd of fighting bullies,
+and rolling up his sleeves, he coolly "wants to know" if any body had
+any thing to say about him, in that crowd! Uncle Sam is no longer "a
+baby," his _physique_ has grown to be quite enormous, and we rather
+expect the old fellow will have to have a pitched battle with some body
+soon, _or he'll spile!_
+
+
+
+
+Bill Whiffletree's Dental Experience.
+
+
+Have you ever had the tooth-ache? If not, then blessed is your
+ignorance, for it is indeed bliss to know nothing about the tooth-ache,
+as you know nothing, absolutely nothing about pain--the acute,
+double-distilled, rectified agony that lurks about the roots or fangs of
+a treacherous tooth. But ask a sufferer how it feels, what it is like,
+how it operates, and you may learn something theoretically which you may
+pray heaven that you may not know practically.
+
+But there's poor William Whiffletree--he's been through the mill,
+fought, bled, and died (slightly) with the refined, essential oil of the
+agony caused by a raging tooth. Every time we read _Othello_, we are
+half inclined to think that _more_ than half of Iago's devilishness came
+from that "raging tooth," which would not let him sleep, but tortured
+and tormented "mine ancient" so that he became embittered against all
+the world, and blackamoors in particular.
+
+William Whiffletree's case is a very strong illustration of what
+tooth-ache is, and what it causes people to do; and affords a pretty
+fair idea of the manner in which the tooth and sufferer are medicinally
+and morally treated by the _materia medica_, and friends at large.
+
+William Whiffletree--or "Bill," as most people called him--was a sturdy
+young fellow of two-and-twenty, of "poor but respectable parents," and
+'tended the dry-goods store of one Ethan Rakestraw, in the village of
+Rockbottom, State of New York.
+
+One unfortunate day, for poor Bill, there came to Rockbottom a
+galvanized-looking individual, rejoicing in the euphonium of Dr.
+Hannibal Orestes Wangbanger. As a surgeon, he had--according to the
+album-full of _certificates_--operated in all the scientific branches of
+amputation, from the scalp-lock to the heel-tap, upon Emperors, Kings,
+Queens, and common folks; but upon his science in the dental way, he
+spread and grew luminous! In short, Dr. Wangbanger had not been long in
+Rockbottom before his "gift of gab," and unadulterated propensity to
+elongate the blanket, set every body, including poor Bill Whiffletree,
+in a furor to have their teeth cut, filed, scraped, rasped, reset, dug
+out, and burnished up!
+
+Now Bill, being, as we aforestated, a muscularly-developed youth, got up
+in the most sturdy New Hampshire style, _his_ teeth _were_ teeth, in
+every way calculated to perform long and strong; but Bill was fast
+imbibing counter-jumper notions, dabbling in stiff dickeys, greased
+soap-locks, and other fancy "flab-dabs," supposed to be essential in
+cutting a swarth among ye fair sex.
+
+So that when Dr. Wangbanger once had an audience with Mr. William
+Whiffletree in regard to one of Mr. Whiffletree's molars which Bill
+thought had a "speck" on it, he soon convinced the victim that the said
+molar not only was specked, but out of the dead plumb of its nearest
+neighbor at least the 84th part of an inch!
+
+"O, shocking!" says the remorseless _hum_; "it is well I saw it in time,
+Mr. Whiffletree. Why, in the course of a few weeks, that tooth, sir,
+would have exfoliated, calcareous supperation would have ensued, the gum
+would have ossified, while the nerve of the tooth becoming
+apostrophized, the roots would have concatenated in their hiatuses, and
+the jaw-bone, no longer acting upon their fossil exoduses, would
+necessarily have led to the entire suspension of the capillary organs of
+your stomach and brain, and--_death would supervene in two hours!_"
+
+Poor Bill! he scarcely knew what fainting was, but a queer sensation
+settled in his "ossis frontis," while his ossis legso almost bent double
+under him, at the awful prospect of things before him! He took a long
+breath, however, and in a voice tremulous with emotion, inquired--
+
+"Good Lord, Doctor! what's to be done for a feller?"
+
+"Plug and file," calmly said the Doctor.
+
+"Plug and file what?"
+
+"The second molar," said the Doctor; though the treacherous monster
+_meant_ Bill's wallet, of course!
+
+"What'll it cost, Doctor?" says Bill.
+
+"Done in my very best manner, upon the new and splendid system invented
+by myself, sir, and practiced upon all the crowned heads of Europe,
+London, and Washington City, it will cost you three dollars."
+
+"Does it hurt much, Doctor?" was Bill's cautious inquiry.
+
+"Very little, indeed; it's sometimes rather agreeable, sir, than
+otherwise," said the Doctor.
+
+"Then go at it, Doctor! Here's the _dosh_," and forking over three
+dollars, down sits William Whiffletree in a high-backed chair, and the
+Doctor's assistant--a sturdy young Irishman--clamping Bill's head to the
+back of the chair, to keep it steady, as the Doctor remarked, the latter
+began to "bore and file."
+
+"O! ah! ho-ho-hold on, _hold on!_" cries Bill, at the first _gouge_ the
+Doctor gave the huge tooth.
+
+"O! be me soul! be aizy, zur," says the Irishman, "it's mesilf as
+untherstands it--_I'll howld on till yees!_"
+
+"O--O-h-h-h!" roars Bill, as the Doctor proceeds.
+
+"Be quiet, sir; the pain won't signify!" says the Doctor.
+
+"Go-goo-good Lord-d-d! Ho-ho-hol-hold on!"
+
+"O, yeez needn't be afeared of that--I'm howldin' yeez tight as a
+divil!" cries Paddy, and sure enough he _was_ holding, for in vain Bill
+screwed and twisted and squirmed around; Pat held him like a
+cider-press.
+
+"Let me--me--O--O--O! Everlasting creation! let me go-o-o--stop, _hold
+on-n-n!_" as the Doctor bored, screwed, and plugged away at the tooth.
+
+"All done, sir; let the patient up, Michael," says the Doctor, with a
+confident twirl of his perfumed handkerchief. "There, sir--there was
+science, art, elegance, and dispatch! Now, sir, your tooth is safe--your
+life is safe--_you're a sound man!_"
+
+"Sound?" echoes poor Bill, "sound? Why, you've broken my jaw into
+flinders; you've set all my teeth on edge; and I've no more
+feelin'--gall darn ye!--in my jaws, than if they were iron steel-traps!
+You've got the wuth of your money out of my mouth, and I'm off!"
+
+That night was one of anxiety and misery to William Whiffletree. The
+disturbed _molar_ growled and twitched like mad; and, by daylight, poor
+Bill's cheek was swollen up equal to a printer's buff-ball, his mouth
+puckered, and his right eye half "bunged up."
+
+"Why, William," says Ethan Rakestraw, as Bill went into the store, "what
+in grace ails thy face? Thee looks like an owl in an ivy-bush!"
+
+"Been plugged and filed," says Bill, looking cross as a meat-axe at his
+snickering Orthodox boss.
+
+"Plugged and _fined_? Thee hain't been fighting, William?"
+
+"Fined? No, I ain't been _fined_ or fighting, Mr. Rakestraw, but I bet I
+do fight that feller who gave me the tooth-ache!--O! O!" moaned poor
+Bill, as he clamped his swollen jaw with his hand, and went around
+waving his head like a plaster-of-paris mandarin.
+
+"O! thee's been to the dentist, eh? Got the tooth-ache? Go thee to my
+wife; she'll cure thee in one minute, William; a little laudanum and
+cotton will soon ease thy pain."
+
+Mrs. Rakestraw applied the laudanum to Bill's molar, but as it did no
+kind of good, old grandmother proposed a poultice; and soon poor Bill's
+head and cheek were done up in mush, while he groaned and grunted and
+started for the store, every body gaping at his swollen countenance as
+though he was a rare curiosity.
+
+"Halloo, Bill!" says old Firelock, the gunsmith, as Bill was going by
+his shop; "got a bag in your calabash, or got the tooth-ache?"
+
+Bill looked daggers at old Firelock, and by a nod of his head intimated
+the cause of his distress.
+
+"O, that all? Come in; I'll stop it in a minute and a half; sit down,
+I'll fix it--I've cured hundreds," says Firelock.
+
+"What are you--O-h-h, dear! what are you going to do?" says Bill, eyeing
+the wire, and lamp in which Firelock was heating the wire.
+
+"Burn out the marrow of the tooth--'twill never trouble you again--I've
+cured hundreds that way! Don't be afeared--you won't feel it but a
+moment. Sit still, keep cool!" says Firelock.
+
+"Cool?" with a hot wire in his tooth! But Bill, being already intensely
+crucified, and assured of Firelock's skill, took his head out of the
+mush-plaster, opened his jaws, and Firelock, admonishing him to "keep
+cool," crowded the hot, sizzling wire on to the tin foil jammed into the
+hollow by Wangbanger, and gave it a twist clear through the melted tin
+to the exposed nerve. Bill jumped, bit off the wire, burnt his tongue,
+and knocked Firelock nearly through the partition of his shop; and so
+frightened Monsieur Savon, the little barber next door, that he rushed
+out into the street, crying--
+
+"Mon Dieu! mon Dieu! Ze zundair strike my shop!"
+
+Bill was stone dead--Firelock crippled. The apothecary over the way came
+in, picked up poor Bill, applied some camphor to his nose, and brought
+him back to life, and--the pangs of tooth-ache!
+
+"Kreasote!" says Squills, the 'pothecary. "I'll ease your pain, Mr.
+Whiffletree, in a second!"
+
+Poor Bill gave up--the kreasote added a fresh invoice to his
+misery--burnt his already lacerated and roasted tongue--and he yelled
+right out.
+
+"Death and glory! O-h-h-h-h, murder! You've pizened me!"
+
+"Put a hot brick to that young man's face," said a stranger; "'twill
+take out the pain and swelling in three minutes!"
+
+Bill revived; he seemed pleased at the stranger's suggestion; the Brick
+was applied; but Bill's cheek being now half raw with the various
+messes, it made him yell when the brick touched him!
+
+He cleared for home, went to bed, and the excessive pain, finally, with
+laudanum, kreasote, fire, and hot bricks, put him to sleep.
+
+He awoke at midnight, in a frightful state of misery; walked the floor
+until daylight; was tempted two or three times to jump out the window or
+crawl up the chimney!
+
+Until noon next day he suffered, trying in vain, every ten minutes, some
+"known cure," oils, acids, steam, poultices, and the ten thousand
+applications usually tried to cure a raging tooth.
+
+Desperation made Bill revengeful. He got a club and went after Dr.
+Wangbanger, who had set all the village in a rage of tooth-ache. Ten or
+a dozen of his victims were at his door, awaiting ferociously their
+turns to be revenged.
+
+But the bird had flown; the _teuth-doctor_ had sloped; yet a good
+Samaritan came to poor Bill, and whispering in his ear, Bill started for
+Monsieur Savon's barber-shop, took a seat, shut his eyes, and said his
+prayers. The little Frenchman took a keen knife and pair of pincers, and
+Bill giving one awful yell, the tooth was out, and his pains and perils
+at an end!
+
+
+
+
+A-a-a-in't they Thick?
+
+
+During the "great excitement" in Boston, relative to the fugitive slave
+"fizzle," a good-natured country gentleman, by the name of Abner Phipps;
+an humble artisan in the fashioning of buckets, wash-tubs and
+wooden-ware generally, from one of the remote towns of the good old Bay
+State, paid his annual visit to the metropolis of Yankee land. In the
+multifarious operations of his shop and business, Abner had but little
+time, and as little inclination, to keep the run of _latest news_, as
+set forth glaringly, every day, under the caption of _Telegraphic
+Dispatches_, in the papers; hence, it requires but a slight extension of
+the imagination to apprise you, "dear reader," that our friend Phipps
+was but meagerly "posted up" in what was going on in this great country,
+half of his time. I must do friend Phipps the favor to say, that he was
+not ignorant of the fact that "Old Hickory" fout well down to New
+Orleans, and that "Old Zack" flaxed the Mexicans clean out of their
+boots in Mexico; likewise that Millerism was a humbug, and money was
+pretty generally considered a cash article all over the universal world.
+
+But what did Phipps know or care about the Fugitive Slave bill? Not a
+red cent's worth, no more than he did of the equitation of the earth,
+the Wilmot proviso, or Barnum's woolly horse--not a _red_. He came to
+Boston annually to see how things were a workin'; pleasure, not
+business. The very first morning of his arrival in town, the hue and cry
+of "slave hunters," was raised--Shadrack, the fugitive, was arrested at
+his vocation--table servant at Taft's eating establishment, Corn Hill,
+where Abner Phipps accidentally had stuck his boots under the
+mahogany, for the purpose of recuperating his somewhat exhausted
+inner-man. Abner saw the arrest, he was quietly discussing his
+_tapioca_, and if thinking at all, was merely calculating what the
+profits were, upon a two-and-sixpence dinner, at a Boston
+_restaurateur_. He saw there was a muss between the black waiter and two
+red-nosed white men, but as he did not know what it was all about, he
+didn't care; it was none of his business; and being a part of his
+religion, not to meddle with that that did not concern him, he continued
+his _tapioca_ to the bottom of his plate, then forked over the
+equivalent and stepped out.
+
+As Phipps turned into Court square, it occurred, slightly, that the
+niggers had got to be rather thick in Boston, to what they used to be;
+and bending his footsteps down Brattle street, once or twice it occurred
+to him that the niggers _had_ got to be thick--darn'd thick, for they
+passed and repassed him--walked before him and behind him, and in fact
+all around him.
+
+"Yes," says Phipps, "the niggers are thick, thundering thick--never saw
+'em so thick in my life. _Ain't they thick?_" he soliloquized, and as he
+continued his stroll in the purlieus of "slightly soiled" garments,
+vulgarly known as second-hand shops, mostly proprietorized by very
+dignified and respectable _col'ud pussons_, it again struck Phipps quite
+forcibly that the niggers were _a_ getting thick.
+
+"Godfree! but ain't they thick! I hope to be stabbed with a gridiron,"
+said Phipps, "if there ain't more _niggers_--look at 'em--more niggers
+than would patch and grade the infernal regions eleven miles! Guess I've
+enough niggers for a spell," continued Phipps, "so I'll just pop in
+here, and see how this feller sells his notions." And so Abner, having
+reached Dock square, saunters into a gun, pistol, bowie, jack-knife,
+dog-collar, shot-bag, and notion-shop in general. Unlucky step.
+
+The stiff-dickied, frizzle-headed, polished and perfumed shop-keeper was
+on hand, and particularly predisposed to sell the stranger something.
+Just then a nigger passed the door, and looked in very sharply at
+Phipps, and presently two more passed, then a fourth and fifth, all
+_looking_ more or less pointedly at the manufacturer of wooden doin's,
+and white-pine fixin's.
+
+"That's a neat _collar_," says the shop-keeper, as Phipps, sort of
+miscellaneously, placed his hand upon a brass-band, red-lined
+dog-collar.
+
+"Collar! don't call that a _collar_, do you?"
+
+"I do, sir, a beautiful collar, sir."
+
+"What for, _solgers_?" asks Phipps.
+
+"Soldiers, no, dogs," says the shop-keeper, puckering his mouth as
+though he had _sampled_ a lemon.
+
+"_O!_" says Phipps, suddenly realizing the fact. "I ain't got no dogs;
+bad stock; don't pay; tax 'em up where I live; wouldn't pay tax for
+forty dogs." More niggers passed, repassed, and looked in at Phipps and
+the storekeeper.
+
+"I say, ain't the niggers got to be thick--infernal thick, in your town
+lately?"
+
+"Well, I don't know that they are," replied the shop-keeper; "getting
+rather scarce, I think, since the Fugitive bill has been put in force
+over the country, sir, but it does appear to me," said the shop-keeper,
+twiging sundry and suspicious-looking col'ud gem'en passing by his
+store, gaping in rather wistfully at the door, and peeping through the
+sash of the windows--"it does appear to me, that a good many colored
+persons are about this morning; yes, there is, why there goes more, more
+yet; bless me, there's another, two, three, four, why a dozen has just
+passed; they seem to look in here rather curiously, I wonder--only look;
+what has stirred them up, I want to know!" the fluctuation of the
+_Congo_ market completely attracted the handsome man's attention;
+his surprise finally assumed the most tangible shape and complexion of
+fear, for the niggers, one and all, looked savage as meat-axes, and
+began to get too numerous to mention.
+
+[Illustration: "What dat! got pistils in your pocket, eh?" says one of
+two big buck Niggers, shying up alongside of the new velocipeding
+up-country artisan. "What dat! got de hand-cuffs in he
+pocket!"--_Page_ 99.]
+
+"Well, guess I'll be goin'," says Phipps, after fumbling over some of
+the shooting-irons, jack-knives, etc.; reaching the street, he was more
+fully impressed with the fixed fact, that the niggers were all sorts of
+thick. They fairly crowded him; one buck darkey rubbed slap up against
+Phipps, as he moved out of the store. "Look here, Mister," says Phipps,
+"ain't all this street big enough for you without a crowdin' me?"
+
+The nigger stopped, looked arsenic and chain lightning at Phipps, and
+then moved off, saying in a sort of undertone--
+
+"Gorra, I guess you'll be crowded a wus'n dat afore dis day is ober."
+
+"Will, eh?" responded Abner Phipps, slightly mystified as to the why and
+wherefore, that _he_ should, in particular, be "crowded," especially by
+an Ethiopic gentleman.
+
+"I guess I _won't_ then," resumed Phipps; "if any body ventures to crowd
+me, just a purpose, I guess I'll be darn'd apt, and mighty quick to
+squash in their heads, or whoop'm on the spot."
+
+"What dat? got pistils in your pocket, eh?" says one of the two big buck
+niggers, shying up alongside of the now velocipeding up-country artisan.
+Phipps looked back, the negroes were following him. "Pistils? who's
+talkin' about pistils, mister?" he ventured to ask.
+
+"Dat's him, watch'm."
+
+"Why, we see'd you goin' in dar, dat pistol shop; want to lay in a stock
+of dirks and pistils, eh?" says the negro.
+
+"You--you got any hand-cuffs in you' pocket?" inquired another.
+
+"What dat? got de hand-cuffs in he pocket?"
+
+"Pistils and bowie knibes!" says a third.
+
+"Dat's him! watch'm!"
+
+"Knock'm down, put dat white hat ober his eyes! Hoo-r-r!"
+
+The negroes now fairly beset our victimized friend Phipps; he stopped,
+buttoned his coat, the negroes augmented; glared at him like demons; he
+fixed his hat firmly upon his head; the negroes began to grin and move
+upon him; he spat upon his hands; the negroes began to yell, and to
+close in upon him; with one grand effort, one mighty gathering of all
+the human faculties called into action by fear and desperation, Phipps
+bounded like a Louisiana bull at a gate post; he knocked down two,
+_square_; kicked over four, and rushing through the now very
+considerable and formidable array of ebony, he _broke_ equal to a wild
+turkey through a corn bottom, or a sharp knife through a pound of milky
+butter; and it is very questionable whether Phipps ever stopped running
+until his boots _busted_, or he reached his bucket factory on Taunton
+river. His negro deputation _waited on him_ with a rush clear outside of
+town, where the speed and bottom of Abner distanced the entire
+committee. The key to this joke is: Phipps was dogged from Tafts'--by
+the "vigilant committee," as an informer, or slave-hunter at least, and
+hence the delicate attentions of the col'ud pop'lation paid him. I have
+no doubt, that if Abner Phipps be asked, how things look around Boston,
+he would observe with some energy,
+
+"Niggers--niggers are thick--Godfree! _a-a-a-in't they thick!_"
+
+
+
+
+A Desperate Race.
+
+
+Some years ago, I was one of a convivial party, that met in the
+principal hotel in the town of Columbus, Ohio, the seat of government of
+the Buckeye State.
+
+It was a winter evening when all without was bleak and stormy, and all
+within were blythe and gay; when song and story made the circuit of the
+festive board, filling up the chasms of life with mirth and laughter.
+
+We had met for the express purpose of making a night of it, and the
+pious intention was duly and most religiously carried out. The
+Legislature was in session in that town, and not a few of the worthy
+legislators were present upon this occasion.
+
+One of these worthies I will name, as he not only took a big swath in
+the evening's entertainment, but he was a man _more_ generally known
+than our worthy President, James K. Polk. That man was the famous
+Captain Riley! whose "narrative" of suffering and adventures is pretty
+generally known, all over the civilized world. Captain Riley was a fine,
+fat, good-humored joker, who at the period of my story was the
+representative of the Dayton district, and lived near that little city
+when at home. Well, Captain Riley had amused the company with many of
+his far-famed and singular adventures, which being mostly told before
+and read by millions of people, that have ever seen his book, I will not
+attempt to repeat them.
+
+Many were the stories and adventures told by the company, when it came
+to the turn of a well known gentleman who represented the Cincinnati
+district. As Mr. ---- is yet among the living, and perhaps not disposed
+to be the subject of joke or story, I do not feel at liberty to give
+his name. Mr. ---- was a slow believer of other men's adventures, and at
+the same time much disposed to magnify himself into a marvellous hero
+whenever the opportunity offered. As Captain Riley wound up one of his
+truthful, though really marvellous adventures, Mr. ---- coolly remarked,
+that the captain's story was all very _well_, but it did not begin to
+compare with an adventure that he had "once upon a time" on the Ohio,
+below the present city of Cincinnati.
+
+"Let's have it!" "Let's have it!" resounded from all hands.
+
+"Well, gentlemen," said the Senator, clearing his voice for action and
+knocking the ashes from his cigar against the arm of his chair.
+"Gentlemen, I am not in the habit of spinning yarns of marvellous or
+fictitious matters; and therefore it is scarcely necessary to affirm
+upon the responsibility of my reputation, gentlemen, that what I am
+about to tell you, I most solemnly proclaim to be truth, and--"
+
+"Oh! never mind that, go on, Mr. ----," chimed the party.
+
+"Well, gentlemen, in 18-- I came down the Ohio river, and settled at
+Losanti, now called Cincinnati. It was, at that time, but a little
+settlement of some twenty or thirty log and frame cabins, and where now
+stands the Broadway Hotel and blocks of stores and dwelling houses, was
+the cottage and corn patch of old Mr. ----, a tailor, who, by the by,
+bought that land for the making of a coat for one of the settlers. Well,
+I put up my cabin, with the aid of my neighbors, and put in a patch of
+corn and potatoes, about where the Fly Market now stands, and set about
+improving my lot, house, &c.
+
+"Occasionally, I took up my rifle, and started off with my dog down the
+river, to look up a little deer, or _bar_ meat, then very plenty along
+the river. The blasted red skins were lurking about, and hovering
+around the settlement, and every once in a while picked off some of our
+neighbors, or stole our cattle or horses. I hated the red demons, and
+made no bones of peppering the blasted sarpents whenever I got a sight
+at them. In fact, the red rascals had a dread of me, and had laid a
+great many traps to get my scalp, but I wasn't to be catch'd napping.
+No, no, gentlemen, I was too well up to 'em for that.
+
+"Well, I started off one morning, pretty early, to take a hunt, and
+travelled a long way down the river, over the bottoms and hills, but
+couldn't find no _bar_ nor deer. About four o'clock in the afternoon, I
+made tracks for the settlement again. By and by, I sees a buck just
+ahead of me, walking leisurely down the river. I slipped up, with my
+faithful old dog close in my rear, to within clever shooting distance,
+and just as the buck stuck his nose in the drink, I drew a _bead_ upon
+his top-knot and over he tumbled, and splurged and bounded awhile, when
+I came up and relieved him by cutting his wizen--"
+
+"Well, but what had that to do with an _adventure_?" said Riley.
+
+"Hold on a bit, if you please, gentlemen--by Jove it had a great deal to
+do with it. For while I was busy skinning the hind quarters of the buck,
+and stowing away the kidney-fat in my hunting shirt, I heard a noise
+like the breaking of brush under a moccasin up 'the bottom.' My dog
+heard it and started up to reconnoitre, and I lost no time in reloading
+my rifle. I had hardly got my priming out before my dog raised a howl
+and broke through the brush towards me with his tail down, as he was not
+used to doing unless there were wolves, painters (panthers) or Injins
+about.
+
+"I picked up my knife, and took up my line of march in a skulking trot
+up the river. The frequent gullies, on the lower bank, made it tedious
+travelling there, so I scrabbled up to the upper bank, which was pretty
+well covered with buckeye and sycamore and very little under-brush. One
+peep below discovered to me three as big and strapping red rascals,
+gentlemen, as you ever clapt your eyes on! Yes, there they came, not
+above six hundred yards in my rear. Shouting and yelling like hounds,
+and coming after me like all possessed."
+
+"Well," said an old woodsman sitting at the table, "you took a tree of
+course?"
+
+"Did I? No, gentlemen! I took no tree just then, but I took to my heels
+like sixty, and it was just as much as my old dog could do to keep up
+with me. I run until the whoops of my red skins grew fainter and fainter
+behind me; and clean out of wind, I ventured to look behind me, and
+there came one single red whelp, puffing and blowing, not three hundred
+yards in my rear. He had got on to a piece of bottom where the trees
+were small and scarce--now, thinks I, old fellow, I'll have you. So I
+trotted off at a pace sufficient to let my follower gain on me, and when
+he had got just about near enough, I wheeled and fired, and down I
+brought him, dead as a door nail, at a hundred and twenty yards!"
+
+"Then you skelp'd (scalped) him immediately?" said the backwoodsman.
+
+"Very clear of it, gentlemen, for by the time I got my rifle loaded,
+here came the other two red skins, shouting and whooping close on me,
+and away I broke again like a quarter horse. I was now about five miles
+from the settlement, and it was getting towards sunset; I ran till my
+wind began to be pretty short, when I took a look back and there they
+came snorting like mad buffaloes, one about two or three hundred yards
+ahead of the other, so I acted possum again until the foremost Injin got
+pretty well up, and I wheeled and fired at the very moment he was
+'drawing a _bead_' on me; he fell head over stomach into the dirt, and
+up came the last one!"
+
+"So you laid for him and--" gasped several.
+
+"No," continued the "member," "I didn't lay for him, I hadn't time to
+load, so I layed _legs_ to ground, and started again. I heard every
+bound he made after me. I ran and ran, until the fire flew out of my
+eyes, and the old dog's tongue hung out of his mouth a quarter of a yard
+long!"
+
+"Phe-e-e-e-w!" whistled somebody.
+
+"Fact! gentlemen. Well, what I was to do I didn't know--rifle empty, no
+big trees about, and a murdering red Indian not three hundred yards in
+my rear; and, what was worse, just then it occurred to me that I was not
+a great ways from a big creek, (now called Mill Creek,) and there I
+should be pinned at last.
+
+"Just at this juncture I struck my toe against a root, and down I
+tumbled, and my old dog over me. Before I could scrabble up--"
+
+"The Indian fired!" gasped the old woodsman.
+
+"He did, gentlemen, and I felt the ball strike me under the shoulder;
+but that didn't seem to put any embargo upon my locomotion, for as soon
+as I got up I took off again, quite freshened by my fall! I heard the
+red skin close behind me coming booming on, and every minute I expected
+to have his tomahawk dashed into my head or shoulders.
+
+"Something kind of cool began to trickle down my legs into my boots--"
+
+"Blood, eh? for the shot the varmint gin you," said the old woodsman, in
+a great state of excitement.
+
+"I thought so," said the Senator, "but what do you think it was?"
+
+Not being blood, we were all puzzled to know what the blazes it could
+be. When Riley observed--
+
+"I suppose you had--"
+
+"Melted the deer fat which I had stuck in the breast of my hunting
+shirt, and the grease was running down my legs until my feet got so
+greasy that my heavy boots flew off, and one hitting the dog, nearly
+knocked his brains out."
+
+We all grinned, which the "member" noticing, observed--
+
+"I hope, gentlemen, no man here will presume to think I'm exaggerating?"
+
+"O, certainly not! Go on, Mr. ----," we all chimed in.
+
+"Well, the ground under my feet was soft, and being relieved of my heavy
+boots, I put off with double quick time, and seeing the creek about half
+a mile off, I ventured to look over my shoulder to see what kind of a
+chance there was to hold up and load. The red skin was coming jogging
+along pretty well blowed out, about five hundred yards in the rear.
+Thinks I, here goes to load any how. So at it I went--in went the
+powder, and putting on my patch, down went the ball about half-way, and
+off snapped my ramrod!"
+
+"Thunder and lightning!" shouted the old woodsman, who was worked up to
+the top-notch in the "member's" story.
+
+"Good gracious! wasn't I in a pickle! There was the red whelp within two
+hundred yards of me, pacing along and _loading up his rifle as he came!_
+I jerked out the broken ramrod, dashed it away and started on, priming
+up as I cantered off, determined to turn and give the red skin a blast
+any how, as soon as I reached the creek.
+
+"I was now within a hundred yards of the creek, could see the smoke from
+the settlement chimneys; a few more jumps and I was by the creek. The
+Indian was close upon me--he gave a whoop, and I raised my rifle; on he
+came, knowing that I had broken my ramrod and my load not down; another
+whoop! whoop! and he was within fifty yards of me! I pulled trigger,
+and--"
+
+"And killed _him_?" chuckled Riley.
+
+"No, _sir!_ I missed fire!"
+
+"And the red skin--" shouted the old woodsman in a phrenzy of
+excitement--
+
+"_Fired and killed me!_"
+
+The screams and shouts that followed this finale brought landlord Noble,
+servants and hostlers, running up stairs to see if the house was on
+fire!
+
+
+
+
+Dodging the Responsibility.
+
+
+"Sir!" said Fieryfaces, the lawyer, to an _unwilling witness_, "Sir! do
+you say, upon your oath, that Blinkins is a dishonest _man_?"
+
+"I didn't say he was ever accused of being an honest man, did I?"
+replied Pipkins.
+
+"Does the court understand you to say, Mr. Pipkins, that the plaintiff's
+reputation is bad?" inquired the judge, merely putting the question to
+keep his eyes open.
+
+"I didn't say it was good, I reckon."
+
+"Sir!" said Fieryfaces, "Sir-r! upon your oath--mind, upon your oath,
+upon your oath, you say that Blinkins is a rogue, a villain and a
+thief!"
+
+"_You_ say so," was Pip's reply.
+
+"Haven't _you_ said so?"
+
+"Why, you've said it," said Pipkins, "what's the use of my repeating
+it?"
+
+"Sir-r!" thundered Fieryfaces, the Demosthenean thunderer of Thumbtown,
+"Sir-r! I charge you, upon your sworn oath, do you or do you not
+say--Blinkins stole things?"
+
+"No, _sir_," was the cautious reply of Pipkins. "I never said Blinkins
+stole things, but I _do_ say--_he's got a way of finding things that
+nobody lost!_"
+
+"Sir-r," said Fieryfaces, "you can retire," and the court adjourned.
+
+
+
+
+A Night Adventure in Prairie Land.
+
+
+"I'll take a circuit around, and come out about the lower end of your
+_mot_,"* said I to my companion. "You remain here; lie down flat, and
+I'll warrant the old doe and her fawns will be found retracing their
+steps."
+
+    [*] _Mot_ is the name given small clumps of trees or woods, found
+    scattered over the prairie land of Texas.
+
+We had started from camp about sunrise, to hunt, three of us; one, an
+old hunter, who, after marking out our course, giving us the lay of the
+land, and various admonitions as to the danger of getting too far from
+camp, looking out for "Injin signs," &c., "Old Traps," as we called him,
+took a tour southward, and left us. Myself and companion were each armed
+with rifles; his a blunt "Yeager," by the way, and mine an Ohio piece,
+carrying about one hundred and twenty balls to the pound, consequently
+very light, and not a very sure thing for a distance over one hundred
+yards. It was in the fall of the year, delightful weather: our wardrobe
+consisted of Kentucky jean trousers, boots, straw hats, two shirts, and
+jean hunting shirts--all thin, to be sure, but warm and comfortable
+enough for a day's hunt. We trudged about until noon, firing but once,
+and then at an alligator in a _bayou_, whose coat of mail laughed to
+scorn our puny bullets, and, barely flirting his horny tail in contempt,
+he slid from his perch back into the greasy and turbid stream. Seating
+ourselves upon a dead cotton-wood, we made a slight repast upon some
+cold _pone_, which, moistened with a drop of "Mon'galy," proved, I must
+needs confess, upon such occasions, viands as palatable as a Tremont
+dinner to a city gourmand. While thus quietly disposed, all of a sudden
+we heard a racket in our rear, which, though it startled us at first,
+soon apprised us that game was at hand. Dropping low, we soon saw, a few
+yards above us, the large antlers of a buck. He darted down the slight
+bluffs, followed by a doe and two well-grown fawns.
+
+As they gained the water, and but barely stuck their noses into the
+drink, we both let drive at them: but, in my rising upon my knee to fire
+at the buck, he got wind of the courtesies I was about to tender him,
+and absolutely dodged my ball. I was too close to miss him; but, as he
+"juked"--to use an old-fashioned western word--down his head the moment
+he saw fire, the bullet merely made the fur fly down his neck, and, with
+a back bound or double somerset, he scooted quicker than uncorked
+thunder.
+
+Our eyes met--we both grinned.
+
+"Well, by King," says my friend Mat, "that's shooting!"
+
+"Both missed?" says I.
+
+"Better break for camp, straight: if we should meet a greaser or
+Camanche here, they'd take our scalps, and beat us about the jaws with
+'em!"
+
+It was thought to bear the complexion of a joke, and we both laughed
+quite jocosely at it.
+
+"Now," says I, "old Sweetener," loading up my rifle, "you and I can't
+give it up so, no how." Tripping up a cup of the alligator fluid, we
+washed down our crumbs, and started. We followed the deer about two
+miles up the _bayou_; the land was low prairie bottom, ugly for walking,
+and our track was slow and tedious. But, approaching a suspicious place
+carefully and cautiously, we had another fair view of the doe and fawns,
+feeding and watching on the side of a broad prairie. The distance
+between us was quite extensive; we could not well approach within
+shooting distance without alarming them. The only alternative was for
+my friend Mat to deposit himself among the brush and stuff, and let me
+circumvent the critters; one of us would surely get a whack at them. I
+started; a slow, tedious scratch and crawl of nearly a mile got me to
+the windward of the deer. As I edged down along the high grass and
+chapperel, about a branch of the _bayou_, the old doe began to raise her
+head occasionally, and scent the air: this, as I got still nearer, she
+repeated more frequently, until, at length, she took the hint, and made
+a break down towards my friend Mat, who, sharp upon the trigger, just as
+the three deer got within fifty yards, raised and fired. 'Bout went the
+deer, making a dash for my quarters; but before getting any ways near
+me, down toppled one of the young 'uns. Mat had fixed its flint; but my
+blood was up--I was not to be fooled out of my shot in that way; and
+perceiving my only chance, at best, was to be a long shot, off hand, as
+the doe and her remaining fawn dashed by, at over eighty yards, I let
+her have the best I had; the bullet struck--the old doe jumped, by way
+of an extra, about five by thirty feet, and didn't even stop to ask
+permission at that. A sportsman undergoes no little excitement in
+peppering a few paltry pigeons, a duck or a squirrel, but when an
+amateur hunter gets his Ebenezer set on a real deer, bear, or flock of
+wild turkeys, you may safely premise it would take some capital to buy
+him off.
+
+I forgot all about time and space, Mat, "Old Traps," greasers and
+Injins--my whole capital was invested in the old _doe_, and I was after
+_her_. She was badly wounded; I thought she'd "gin eout" pretty soon,
+and I followed clear across the prairie. Time flew, and finally, feeling
+considerably fagged, and getting no further view of my deer, and being
+no longer able to trace the red drops she sprinkled along, I sat down,
+wiped the salt water from my parboiled countenance, and began to----
+think I'd gone far enough for old venison. In fact, I'd gone a little
+too far, for the sun was setting down to his home in the Pacific, the
+black shades of night began to gather around the timber, and I hurried
+out into the prairie, to get an observation. But it was no go. I had
+entirely reversed the order of things, in my mind; I had lost my
+bearings. The evening was cloudy, with a first rate prospect of a wet
+night, and neither moon nor stars were to be seen.
+
+Taking, at a hazard, the supposed back track, across the broad prairie,
+upon which flourished a stiff, tall grass, I plodded along, quite
+chilly, and my thin garments, wet from perspiration, were cold as cakes
+of ice to my flesh. I began to feel mad, swore some, hoped I was on the
+right track back to Mat and his deer, but felt satisfied there was some
+doubt about that. Mat had the flint and steel for raising a fire, and
+the _meat_ and what bread was left at our last repast. Night came right
+down in the midst of my cares and tribulations. A slight drizzling rain
+began to fall. The stillness of a prairie is a damper to the best of
+spirits--the entire suspension of all noises and sounds, not even the
+tick of an insect to break the black, dull, dark monotony, is a wet
+blanket to cheerfulness. I really think the stillness of a large prairie
+is one of the most painful sensations of loneliness, a man ever
+encountered. The sombre and dreary monotony of a dungeon, is scarcely a
+comparison; in fact, language fails to describe the essentially
+double-distilled monotony of these great American grass-patches--you
+can't call them deserts, for at times they represent interminable
+flower-gardens, of the most elegant and voluptuous description.
+
+Oh, how home and its comforts floated in my mind's eye; how I
+envied--not for the first time either--the unthankful inmates of even a
+second-rate boarding-house! A negro cabin, a shed, dog kennel, and a hoe
+cake, had charms, in my thoughts, just then, enough to exalt them into
+fit themes for the poets and painters. Having trudged along, at least
+three miles, in one direction, I struck a large _mot_, that jutted out
+into the prairie. Here I concluded it was best to hang up for the night.
+I was soaking wet--hungry and wolfish enough. My utter desperation
+induced me to work for an hour with some percussion caps, powder, and a
+piece of greased tow linen, to get a blaze of fire, Ingins or no Ingins.
+I began to wish I was a Camanche myself, or that the red devils would
+surround me, give me one bite and a drink, and I'd die happy. All of a
+sudden, I got sight of a blaze! Yes, a real fire loomed up in the
+distance! It was Mat and his deer, in luck, doing well, while I was cold
+as Caucasus, and hollow as a flute. I riz, stretched my stiff limbs, and
+struck a bee line for the light. After wading, stumbling, and tramping,
+until my weary legs would bear me no longer, I had the mortification to
+see the fire at as great a distance as when I first started. This about
+knocked me. I concluded to give up right in my tracks, and let myself be
+wet down into _papier mache_ by the descending elements. Blessed was he
+that invented sleep, says Sancho Panza, but he was a better workman that
+invented _spunk_. All of a sudden I plucked up my spunk, and by a sort
+of martial command, ordered my limbs to duty, and marched straight for
+the fire in the weary distance. A steady and toilsome perseverance over
+brake and bush, mud, ravine, grass and water, at length brought me near
+the fire. And then, suspicion arose, if I fell upon a Mexican or Indian
+camp, the evils and perils of the night would turn up in the morning
+with a human barbecue, and these impressions were nearly sufficient
+inducement for me to go no further. It might be my friend Mat's fire,
+and it might not be: it wasn't very likely he would dare to raise a
+fire, and the more I debated, the worse complexion things bore.
+Involuntarily, however, I edged on up towards the fire, which was going
+down apparently. Coming to a _bayou_, I reconnoitered some time. All was
+quiet, save the pattering of the rain in the grass, and on the
+scattering lofty trees. I stood still and absorbed, watching the dying
+fire, for an hour or two. I was within half a mile of it; the intense
+darkness that usually precedes day had passed, and a murky, rainy
+morning was dawning. Cheerless, fatigued, and hungry beyond all mental
+supervision or fear, I marched point blank up to the fire, and there
+lay--not a tribe of Mexicans or Camanches, but my comrade Mat, fast
+asleep, under the lee of a huge dead and fallen cotton-wood, alongside
+of the fire, warm, dry, and comfortable as a bug in a rug!
+
+I gave one shout, that would have riz the scalp lock of any red skin
+within ten miles, and Mat started upon his feet and snatched his
+"Yeager" from under the log quicker than death.
+
+"Ho-o-o-ld yer hoss, stranger," I yelled, "I'm only going to eat ye!"
+
+Mat and I fraternized, quick and strong. A piece of his fawn was jerked
+and roasted in a giffy. After gormandizing about five pounds, and
+getting a few whiffs at Mat's old stone pipe, I took his nest under the
+log, and slept a few hours sound as a pig of lead.
+
+Waked up, prime--stowed away a few more pounds of the fawn, and then we
+started for camp. Living and faring in this manner, for from three to
+twelve months, may give you some idea of the training the heroes of San
+Jacinto had.
+
+
+
+
+Roosting Out.
+
+
+In 1837, after the capture of Santa Anna, by General Samuel Houston and
+his little Spartan band, which event settled the war, and something like
+tranquillity being restored to Texas, several of us adventurers formed a
+small hunting party, and took to the woods, in a circuitous tour up and
+across the Sabine, and so into the United States, homeward bound.
+
+There were seven men, two black boys, belonging to Dr. Clenen, one of
+our "voyageurs," and eleven horses and mules, in the party; and with a
+tolerable fair camp equipage, plenty of ammunition, one or two "old
+campaigners" and three monstrous clever dogs, it was naturally supposed
+we should have a pleasant time. The first five days were cold, being
+early Spring, wet, and not _very_ interesting; but as all of the party
+had seen some service, and not expecting the comforts and delicacies of
+civilization, they were all the better prepared to take things as they
+came, and by the smooth handle. The idea was to travel slow, and reach
+Jonesboro' or Red River, or keep on the Arkansas, and strike near Fort
+Smith, in twenty or thirty days. We left Houston in the morning, passed
+Montgomery, and kept on W. by N. between the Rio Brasos and Trinity
+River, the first five days, then stood off north for the head of the
+Sabine.
+
+Game was very sparse, and rather shy, but falling in with some wild
+turkeys, and a bee tree, we laid by two days and lived like fighting
+cocks. The turkeys were picked off the tall trees, as they roosted after
+night, by rifle shots, and no game I ever fed on can exceed the rich
+flavor of a well-roasted, fat wild turkey. The bee tree was a
+crowder--a large, hollow cyprus, about sixty feet high, straight as a
+barber pole, and nearly seven feet in diameter at the base, and full
+three feet through at the first branch, forty feet up. This must have
+been the hive of many and many a swarm, for years past; the tree was cut
+down, and contained from one to three hundred gallons of honey and comb!
+Nor are such bee trees scarce about the head of the Sabine, Red River,
+&c. Bears are very fond of honey. The weather then being much improved,
+it was suggested that the camp should be moved a few miles off, and
+leave the bee tree and its great surplus contents, to the bears; and if
+they did come about, we should come back and have a few pops at them.
+The plan was feasible, and all agreed; so, removing a few gallons of the
+translucent delicacy, the camp was struck, and, following an old trail a
+few miles, we found a delightful site for recamping under some large
+oaks on a creek, a tributary of the Sabine river.
+
+Some of the "boys," as each styled the others, during the day had found
+"a deer lick," about three miles above the camp, and to vary the
+_viands_ a little, it was proposed that three of the boys should go up
+after dark, lay about, and see if a shot could be had at some of the
+visitors of "the lick."
+
+One of the old heads, and by-the-way we called him "old traps," from the
+fact of his always being so ready to explain the manner and uses of all
+sorts of traps, and the inexhaustible adventures he had with them in the
+course of twenty years' experience in the far west.
+
+Well, "old traps," Dr. C., and myself, were the deputed committee, that
+night, to attend to the cases of the deer. Soon after dark we put out,
+and in the course of a couple of hours, after some floundering in a
+muddy "bottom" and through hazel brush, or chaparral, the "lick" was
+found, and positions taken for raking the victims. "Old traps" took a
+lodge in a clump of bushes. Dr. C. and I squatted on a dead tree, with a
+few bushes around it, and in a particularly dark spot, from the fact of
+some very heavy timber with wide-spreading tops standing around and
+nearly over us.
+
+The ability of keeping still in a disagreeable situation, for a long
+time, is most desirable and necessary in the character of a
+hunter;--some men have a faculty for holding a fishing-rod hours at a
+time over a fishless tide, with wondrous ardor; and I have known men to
+watch deer, bear, and other game, in one position, for ten or twenty
+hours. Sauntering up and down in the dark, with wind and rain, and a
+musket in your arms for company, is not pleasant pastime; but my
+patience revolted at the idea of squatting on the wet log, all cramped
+up, three or four hours, and no deer making their appearance; Doctor and
+I made up our minds to arouse "old traps," and patter back to the camp.
+Just as the resolution was about to be put in action, two deer, fine
+antlered customers, made their appearance about three hundred yards from
+us, out on a small plain, where their sprightly forms could just be made
+out as they leisurely stepped along. Getting near "old traps," he soon
+convinced us that _his_ eye was still open, although we had concluded he
+was fast asleep. The sharp, whip-like crack of "old traps'" rifle
+brought down one of the deer, and the other, in bounds of thirty or
+forty feet at a spring, whisked nearly over us, and the Doctor and I
+fired at the flying deer as he came; neither shot took effect, and off
+he sped.
+
+"Hurrah! for the old boy!" shouted the Doctor, as we all bustled up to
+where the deer lay kicking and plunging in his death throes. "By Jove,
+'traps,' you've put a ball clean through his head!"
+
+"Yes, sir," said traps; "I ollers fix game that way, myself."
+
+"Except when you fix them with the traps, eh?" said I.
+
+"'Zactly," said traps. "But now, boys," he continued loading up his
+rifle, "now let's snatch off the creature's hide, quarter it, and travel
+back to the camp, for we ain't gwoine to have any more deer to-night."
+
+This was soon accomplished. Trap seized the hind quarters and hide, and
+travelled; Doctor and I brought up the rear with the rest of the meat
+and fat.
+
+To avoid the muddy "bottom," in going back, we concluded to take a
+little round-about way, and relieved one another by taking "spells" at
+carrying the rifles and the meat. We jogged along, chatting away, for
+some time, when it occurred to us that we were getting very near the
+camp, or ought to be, for we had walked long and fast enough.
+
+Doctor was trudging on ahead with the meat; I was behind some twenty
+yards with both rifles; we were passing through some thin timber which
+skirted a little prairie, out on which we could see quite distinctly;
+Doctor made a sudden halt--
+
+"Hollo! by Jove, what's that?"
+
+"What? eh? where?" said I, bustling up to the Doctor, who made free to
+drop the meat, wheeled about, snatched his rifle out of my fists and
+_broke!_
+
+"A grizzly bear coming, by thunder!"
+
+Upon that _hint_ there were two gentlemen seen hurrying themselves
+_somewhat_, I reckon, on the back track. Doctor was what you might call
+a fast trotter, but when he broke into a full gallop the odds against me
+were dreadful! I was fairly distanced, and when perfectly blowed out
+stopped to pull the briars out of my torn trowsers, scratched face and
+dishevelled locks, listen to the enemy, and ascertain where the Doctor
+had got to. No sound broke the reigning stillness, save the sonorous
+"coo-hoot" of an owl. My rifle was empty, and a search satisfied me that
+my caps were not to be found. My own cap had also disappeared in the
+fright, and I was in a bad way for defence, and completely at a dead
+loss as to the bearings of the camp.
+
+"Well," thinks I, "it's no particular use crying over spilt milk--it's
+no use to move when there is no idea existing of bettering one's self,
+so here I'll _roost_ until daylight, unless Doctor comes back to hunt me
+up!" I judged it was not far from 2 o'clock, A. M., and believed it
+possible that our venison might only whet a grizzly bear's appetite to
+follow up the pursuit and gormandize me!--A proper site for a _roost_
+was the next matter of importance, and a scrubby oak with a thick top,
+close by, offered an inviting elevation to lodge.
+
+A long, long time seemed the coming day; and the sharp air of its
+approach, and heavy dew, made "perching" in a crotch very fatiguing
+"pastime."
+
+When light began to dawn, sliding down I took an observation that
+convinced me, according to Indian signs, that Doctor and I had gone
+South too far to hit the camp, and, to the best of my reckoning, the old
+bee tree was not far out of my way, and that I now struck for.
+
+About noon, and a lovely day it was, I discovered the bee tree, made a
+dinner on honey, which was scattered about considerably, giving evidence
+of its having been visited by our rugged Russian friends.
+
+And now, feeling anxious to see human faces, and not linger about a spot
+where troublesome customers might abound, I made tracks for the camp,
+which was reached about sundown, and where I found, to my regret, the
+Doctor had not come in yet.
+
+"Old Traps" had returned all safe enough, and had been prophesying "the
+boys" were lost, and would not soon be found again. However, the old
+fellow put away his deer skin, which he had been cleaning, &c., to give
+me a feed of the deer, a few remnants yet remaining, and from my
+exercise and fasting, never was a rude meal more luxurious. Two of the
+party, with one of the black boys, and a mule, had been out since noon
+in quest of us, and about midnight they returned with the Doctor, who
+congratulated me on what he had estimated as an escape. So did I. We all
+concluded _it was a_ DEER _hunt!_ Though we "had a time" at the bee
+tree, next night, that made us about square.
+
+
+
+
+Rather Twangy.
+
+
+Three Irishmen, green as the Isle that per-duced 'em, but full of sin,
+and fond of the crater, broke into a country store down in Maine, one
+night last week, and after striking a light, they _lit_ upon a large
+demijohn, having the suspicious look of a whiskey holder. One held the
+light, while another held up the _demi_ to his mouth, and took a small
+taster.
+
+"Arrah, what a twang! An' it's what they call Shemaky, I'm thinkin'!"
+says the fellow, screwing his face into all manner of puckers.
+
+"It's the very stuff, thin, for me, so hould the light, and I'll take a
+swig at 'im," says Paddy number two. "_Agh!_" says he, putting down the
+demijohn in haste, "it's rale bhrandy--_agh-h!_"
+
+"Branthy? Thin it's meself as'll have a wee bit uv a swig at 'em," and
+Paddy number three took hold, and down he rushed a good slew of it!
+
+"Murther and turf! It's every divil ov us are pizened--o-o-och!
+Murther-r-r!" and he raised such a hullaballoo, that the neighbors were
+awakened. They came rushing in, and arrested Paddy number three. The
+others fled, with their bellies full of washing fluid! The poor fellow
+had drank nearly a pint; being possessed with a gutta percha stomach, he
+stood the infliction without kicking the bucket, but he was bleached, in
+two days--white as a bolt of cotton cloth!
+
+
+
+
+Passing Around the Fodder!
+
+A DINNER SKETCH.
+
+
+A few weeks ago, during a passage from Gotham to Boston, on the "_Empire
+State_," one of the most elegant and swift steamers that ever man's
+ingenuity put upon the waters, I met a well-known joker from the Quaker
+city, on his first trip "down East." After mutually examining and
+eulogising the external appearance and internal arrangements of the
+"Empire," winding up our investigation, of course, with a _look_ into a
+small corner cupboard in the barber's office, where a superb _smile_--as
+_is_ a smile--can be usually enjoyed by the _nobbish_ investment of a
+York shilling; soon after passing through "Hell Gate"--gliding by the
+beautiful villas, chateaux, and almost princely palaces of the business
+men of the great city of New York, we were soon out upon the broad, deep
+Sound, a glorious place for steam-boating. Soon after, the bells
+announced "supper ready"--a general stampede into the spacious cabin
+took place, and though the tables strung along forty rods on each side
+of the great cabin, not over half the crowd got seats upon this
+interesting occasion. I was _about_ with my friend--in _time_, stuck our
+legs under the mahogany, and gazed upon the open prospect for a supper
+superb enough in all its details to tempt a jolly old friar from his
+devotions. We got along very nicely. An old chap who sat above us some
+seats, and whose rotund developments gave any ordinary observer reason
+to suppose his appetite as unquenchable as the Maelstrom, kept reaching
+about, and when tempting vessels were too remote, he'd bawl "right eout"
+for them.
+
+"Halloo! I say you, Mister there, just hand along that saas; give us a
+chance, will ye, at that; notion on't, what d'ye call that stuff?"
+
+"This?" says one, passing along a dish.
+
+"Pshaw, no, t'other there."
+
+"Oh! ah! yes, _this_," says my facetious friend.
+
+"Well, that ain't it, but no odds; fetch it along!" and down we sent the
+biggest dish of meat in our neighborhood.
+
+"Now," says I, "my boy, I'll show you a 'dodge.' We'll see how it
+works."
+
+Filling a plate full to the brim, with all and each of the various
+_heavy_ courses in our vicinity, I very politely passed it over to my
+next neighbor with--
+
+"Please to pass that up, sir?"
+
+"Umph, eh?" says the gentleman, taking hold of the plate very gingerly;
+"pass it _up_?"
+
+"Aye, yes, if you please," says I.
+
+By this time he had fairly got the loaded plate in his fists, and began
+to look about him where to pass the plate _to_. Nobody in particular
+seemed on the watch for a _spare_ plate. The gent looked back at me, but
+I was "cutting away" and watching from the extreme corner of my left eye
+the victim and his charge, while I pressed hard upon the corn pile of my
+friend's foot under the table.
+
+At length, the victim thought he saw some one up the table waiting for
+the plate, and quickly he whispered to his next neighbor--
+
+"Please, sir, to-to-a, _just pass this plate up!_"
+
+The man took the plate, and being more of a practical operator than his
+neighbor, gave the plate over to _his_ next neighbor, with--
+
+"Pass this plate up to that gentleman, if you please," dodging his head
+towards an old gent in specs, who sat near the head of the table,
+grinning a ghastly smile over the field of good things.
+
+"It's _going!_"
+
+"_What?_" says my friend.
+
+"The plate; it's going the rounds; just you keep quiet, you'll see a
+good thing."
+
+The plate, at length, got to the head of the table. It was given to the
+old gentleman in specs; he looked over the top of his specs very
+deliberately at the "fodder," then back at the thin, pale,
+student-looking youth who handed it to him, then up and down the table.
+A raw-boned, gaunt and hollow-looking disciple caught the eye of the old
+gent; he must be the man who wanted the "load." His lips quacked as if
+in the act of--"pass this plate, sir,"--to his next neighbor; he was too
+far off for us to _hear_ his discourse. Well, the plate came booming
+along down the opposite side; the tall man declined it and gave it over
+to his next neighbor, who seemed a little tempted to take hold of the
+invoice, but just then it occurred to him, probably, that he was keeping
+_somebody_ (!) out of his grub, so he quickly turned to his neighbor and
+passed the plate. One or two more moves brought the plate within our
+range, and there it liked to have _stuck_, for a fussy old Englishman,
+in whom politeness did not stick out very prominently, grunted--
+
+"I don't want it, sir."
+
+"Well, but, sir, please _pass it_," says the last victim, beseechingly
+holding out the plate.
+
+"Pass it? Here, mister, 's your plate," says Bull, at length reluctantly
+seizing on the plate, and rushing it on to his next neighbor, who
+started--
+
+"Not mine, sir."
+
+"Not yours! Who does it belong to? Pass it down to somebody."
+
+Off went the plate again. Several ladies turned up their pretty eyes and
+noses while the gents _passed it_ by them.
+
+"Why, if there ain't that plate a going the rounds, that you gave me!"
+says my next neighbor, to whom I had first given the "currency."
+
+"That plate? Oh, yes, so it is; well," says I, with feigned
+astonishment, "this is the first time I ever saw a good supper so
+universally discarded!"
+
+The plate was off again. It reached the foot of the table. An elderly
+lady looked up, looked around, removed a large sweet potato from the
+pile--then passed it along. An old salty-looking captain, just then took
+a vacant seat, and the plate reached him just in the nick of time. He
+looked voracious--
+
+"Ah," said he, with a savage growl, "that's your sort; thunder and
+oakum, I'm as peckish as a shark, and here's the _duff for me!_"
+
+That ended the peregrinations of the plate, and I and my friend--_yelled
+right out!_
+
+
+
+
+A Hint to Soyer.
+
+
+Magrundy says, in his work on _Grub_, that a Frenchman will "frigazee" a
+pair of old boots and make a respectable soup out of an ancient chapeau;
+but our friend Perriwinkle affirms that the French ain't "nowhere,"
+after a feat he saw in the kitchen arrangement of a "cheap boarding
+house" in the North End:--the landlady made a chowder out of an old
+broom mixed with sinders, and after all the boarders had dined upon it
+scrumptiously, the remains made broth for the whole family, next day,
+besides plenty of fragments left for a poor family! That landlady is
+bound--_to make Rome howl!_
+
+
+
+
+The Leg of Mutton.
+
+
+I'm going to state to you the remarkable adventures of a very remarkable
+man, who went to market to get a leg of mutton for his Sunday dinner. I
+have heard, or read somewhere or other, almost similar stories; whether
+they were real or imaginary, I am unable to say; but I can vouch for the
+authenticity of my story, for I know the hero well.
+
+In the year 1812, it will be recollected that we had some military
+disputes with England, which elicited some pretty tall fights by land
+and sea, and the land we live in was considerably excited upon the
+subject, and patriotism rose to many degrees above blood heat.
+Philadelphia, about that time, like all other cities, I suppose, was the
+scene of drum-beating, marching and counter-marching, and volunteering
+of the patriotic people.
+
+The President sent forth his proclamations, the governors of the
+respective States reiterated them, and a large portion of our brave
+republicans were soon in or marching to the battle field. There lived
+and wrought at his trade, carpentering, in the city of Philadelphia,
+about that time, a very tall, slim man, named Houp; Peter Houp, that was
+his name. He was a very steady, upright, and honest man, married, had a
+small, comfortable family, and to all intents and purposes, settled down
+for life. How deceptive, how unstable, how uncertain is man, to say
+nothing of the more frail portion of the creation--woman! Peter Houp one
+fair morning took his basket on his arm, and off he went to get a leg of
+mutton and trimmings for his next Sunday's dinner. Beyond the object of
+research, Peter never dreamed of extending his travels for that day,
+certain. A leg of mutton is not an indifferent article, well cooked, a
+matter somewhat different to amateur cooks; and as good legs of mutton
+as can be found on this side of the big pond, can be found almost any
+Saturday morning in the Pennsylvania market wagons, which congregate
+along Second street, for a mile or two in a string. Peter could have
+secured his leg and brought it home in an hour or two at most.
+
+But hours passed, noon came, and night followed it, and in the course of
+time, the morrow, the joyous Sunday, for which the _leg of mutton_ was
+to be brought and prepared, and offered up, a sacrifice to the household
+gods and grateful appetites, came, but neither the leg of mutton, nor
+the man Peter, husband and father Houp, darkened the doors of the
+carpenter's humble domicil, that day, the next or the next! I cannot, of
+course, realize half the agony or tortures of suspense that must have
+preyed upon that wife's heart and brain, that must have haunted her
+feverish dreams at night, and her aching mind by day. When grim death
+strikes a blow, whenever so near and dear a friend is levelled, cold,
+breathless, dead--we see, we know there is the end! Grief has its
+season, the bitterest of woe then calms, subsides, or ceases; but
+_lost_--which hope prevents mourning as dead, and whose death-like
+absence almost precludes the idea that they live, engenders in the soul
+of true affection, a gloomy, torturing and desponding sorrow, more
+agonizing than the sting actual death leaves behind. I have endeavored
+to depict what must have been, what were the feelings of Peter Houp's
+wife. She mourned and grieved, and still hoped on, though months and
+years passed away without imparting the slightest clue to the
+unfortunate fate of her husband. Her three children, two boys and a
+girl, grew up; ten, eleven, twelve years passed away, with no tidings of
+the lost man having reached his family; but they still lived with a kind
+of despairing hope that the husband and father would yet _come home_,
+and so he did.
+
+Let us see what became of Peter Houp, the carpenter. As he strolled
+along with his basket under his arm, on the eventful morning he sought
+the leg of mutton, he met a platoon of men dressed up in uniform,
+muskets on their shoulders, colors flying, drums beating, and a mob of
+hurrahers following and shouting for the volunteers. Yes, it was a
+company of volunteers, just about shipping off for the South, to join
+the "Old Zack" of that day, General Jackson. Peter Houp saw in the ranks
+of the volunteers several of his old _chums_; he spoke to them, walked
+along with the men of Mars, got inspired--patriotic--_drunk_. Two days
+after that eventful Saturday, on which the quiet, honest, and
+industrious carpenter left his wife and children full of hope and
+happiness, he found himself in blue breeches, roundabout, and black cap,
+on board a brig--bound for New Orleans. A volunteer for the war! It was
+too late to repent then; the brig was ploughing her way through the
+foaming billows, and in a few weeks she arrived at Mobile, as she could
+not reach New Orleans, the British under General Packenham being off the
+Balize. So the volunteers were landed at Mobile, and hurried on over
+land to the devoted (or was to be) Crescent city. Peter Houp was not
+only a good man, liable as all men are to make a false step once in
+life, but a brave one. Having gone so far, and made a step so hard to
+retrace, Peter's cool reason got bothered; he poured the spirits down to
+keep his spirits up, as the saying goes, and abandoned himself to fate.
+Caring neither for life nor death, he was found behind the cotton bags,
+which he had assisted in getting down from the city to the battle
+ground, piled up, and now ready to defend his country while life lasted.
+Peter fought well, being a man not unlike the brave Old Hickory himself,
+tall, firm, and resolute-looking. He attracted General Jackson's
+attention during the battle, and afterwards was personally complimented
+for his skill and courage by the victorious Commander-in-chief. Every
+body knows the history of the battle of New Orleans--I need not relate
+it. After the victory, the soldiers were allowed considerable license,
+and they made New Orleans a scene of revel and dissipation, as all
+cities are likely to represent when near a victorious army. Peter Houp
+was on a "regular bender," a "big tare," a long spree--and for one so
+unlike any thing of the kind, he went it with a _perfect looseness_.
+
+A rich citizen's house was robbed--burglariously entered and robbed; and
+Peter Houp, the staid, plain Philadelphia carpenter, who would not have
+bartered his reputation for all the ingots of the Incas, while in his
+sober senses, was arrested as one of the burglars, and the imputation,
+false or true, caused him to spend seven years in a penitentiary. O,
+what an awful probation of sorrow and mental agony were those seven long
+years! But they passed over, and Peter Houp was again free, not a worse
+man, fortunately, but a much wiser one! He had not seen or heard a word
+of those so long dearly cherished, and cruelly deserted--his family--for
+eight years, and his heart yearned towards them so strongly that,
+pennyless, pale and care-worn as he was, he would have started
+immediately for home, but being a good carpenter, and wages high, he
+concluded to go to work, while he patiently awaited a reply of his
+abandoned family to his long and penitent written letter. Weeks, months,
+and a year passed, and no reply came, though another letter was
+dispatched, for fear of the miscarriage of the first; (and both letters
+did miscarry, as the wife never received them.) Peter gave himself up as
+a lost man, his family lost or scattered, and nothing but death could
+end his detailed wretchedness. But still, as fortune would have it, he
+never again sought refuge from his sorrows in the poisoned chalice, the
+rum glass; not he. Peter toiled, saved his money, and at the end of four
+years found himself in the possession of a snug little sum of hard
+cash, and a fully established good name. But all of this time he had
+heard not a syllable of his home; and all of a sudden, one fine day in
+early spring, he took passage in a ship, arrived in Philadelphia; and in
+a few rods from the wharf, upon which he landed, he met an old neighbor.
+The astonishment of the latter seemed wondrous; he burst out--
+
+"My God! is this Peter Houp, come from his grave?"
+
+"No," said Peter, in his slow, dry way, "I'm from New Orleans."
+
+Peter soon learned that his wife and children yet lived in the same
+place, and long mourned him as forever gone. Peter Houp felt any thing
+but merry, but he was determined to have his joke and a merry meeting.
+In an hour or two Peter Houp, the long lost wanderer, stood in his own
+door.
+
+"Well, Nancy, _here is thy leg of mutton!_" and a fine one too he had.
+
+The most excellent woman was alone. She was of Quaker origin; sober and
+stoical as her husband, she regarded him wistfully as he stood in the
+door, for a long time; at last she spoke--
+
+"Well, Peter, thee's been gone a _long time for it_."
+
+The next moment found them locked in each other's arms; overtasked
+nature could stand no more, and they both cried like children.
+
+The carpenter has once held offices of public trust, and lives yet, I
+believe, an old and highly respected citizen of "Brotherly Love."
+
+
+
+
+A Chapter on Misers.
+
+
+We all love, worship and adore that everlasting deity--_money_. The poor
+feel its want, the rich know its power. Virtue falls before its
+corrupting and seductive influence. Honor is tainted by it. Pride, pomp
+and power, are but the creatures of money, and which corrupt hearts and
+enslaved souls wield to the great annoyance--yea, curse of mankind in
+general.
+
+It is well, that, though we are all fond of money, not over one in a
+thousand, prove miserable misers, and go on to amass dollar upon dollar,
+until the shining heaps of garnered gold and silver become a god, and a
+faith, that the rich wretch worships with the tenacious devotion of the
+most frenzied fanatic. In the accumulation of a competency, against the
+odds and chances of advanced life, a man may be pardoned for a degree of
+economical prudence; but for parsimonious meanness, there is certainly
+no excuse. I have heard my father speak of an old miserly fellow, who
+owned a great many blocks of buildings in Philadelphia, as well as many
+excellent farms around there, and who, though rich as a Jew (worth
+$200,000), was so despicably and scandalously mean, as to go through the
+markets and beg bones of the butchers, to make himself and family soup
+for their dinners! He resorted to a score of similar humiliating
+"dodges," whereby to prolong his miserable existence, and add dime and
+dollar to his already bursting coffers.
+
+At length, Death knocked at his door. The debt was one the poor wretch
+would fain have gotten a little more time on, but the Court of Death
+brooks no delay--there is no cunning devise of learned counsel, no writs
+of error, by which even a miserable miser, or voluptuous millionaire,
+can gain a moment's delay when death issues his summons. The miser was
+called for, and he knew his time had come. He sent for the undertaker,
+he bargained for his burial--
+
+"They say I'm rich! it's a lie, sir--I'm poor, miserably poor. I want
+but three carriages. My children may want a dozen--I say but _three_;
+put that down. A very plain coffin; pine, stained will do, and no
+ornaments, hark ye. A cheap grave. I would be buried on one of my farms,
+but then the coach-drivers would charge so much to carry me out! Now,
+what will you ask for the job?"
+
+"About thirty dollars, sir," said the almost horrified undertaker.
+
+"Thirty dollars! why, do you want to rob me? Say fifteen dollars--give
+me a receipt--_and I'll pay you the cash down!_"
+
+Poor wretch! by the time he had uttered this, his soul had flown to its
+resting-place in another world.
+
+In the upper part of Boston, on what is called "the Neck," there lived,
+some years ago, a wealthy old man, who resorted to sundry curious
+methods to live without cost to himself. His house--one of the
+handsomest mansions in the "South End," in its day--stood near the road
+over which the gardeners, in times past, used to go to market, with
+their loads of vegetables, two days of each week. Old Gripes would be up
+before day, and on the lookout for these wagons.
+
+"Halloo! what have you got there?" says the miser to the countryman.
+
+"Well, daddy, a little of all sorts; potatoes, cabbages, turnips,
+parsnips, and so on. Won't you look at 'em?"
+
+At this, the old miser would begin to fumble over the vegetables, pocket
+a potato, an onion, turnip, or--
+
+"Ah, yes, they are good enough, but we poor creatures can't afford to
+pay such prices as you ask; no, no--we must wait until they come down."
+The old miser would sneak into the house with his stolen vegetables, and
+the farmer would drive on. Then back would come the miser, and lay in
+ambush for another load, and thus, in course of a few hours, he would
+raise enough vegetables to give his household a dinner. Another "dodge"
+of this artful old dodger, was to take all the coppers he got (and, of
+course, a poor creature like him handled a great many), and then go
+abroad among the stores and trade off six for a fourpence, and when he
+had four fourpences, get a quarter of a dollar for them, and thus in
+getting a dollar, he made four per cent., by several hours' disgusting
+meanness and labor.
+
+But one day the old miser ran foul of a snag. A market-man had watched
+him for some time purloining his vegetables, and on the first of the
+year, sent in a bill of several dollars, for turnips, potatoes,
+parsnips, &c. The old miser, of course, refused to pay the bill, denying
+ever having had "the goods." But the countryman called, in _propria
+persona_, refreshed his memory, and added, that, if the bill was not
+footed on sight, he should prosecute him for _stealing!_ This made the
+old miser shake in his boots. He blustered for awhile; then reasoned the
+case; then plead poverty. But the purveyor in vegetables was not the man
+to be cabbaged in that way, and the old miser called him into his
+sitting-room, and ordered his son, a wild young scamp, to go up stairs
+and see if he could find five dollars in any of the drawers or boxes up
+there. The young man finally called out--
+
+"Dad, which bag shall I take it out of, _the gold or silver_?"
+
+"Odd zounds!" bawled the old man--"the boy wants to let on I've got bags
+of gold and silver!"
+
+And so he had, many thousands of dollars in good gold and silver; he
+hobbled up stairs, got nine half dollars, and tried to get off fifty
+cents less than the countryman's bill; but the countryman was stubborn
+as a mule, and would not abate a farthing--so the old miser had to
+hobble up stairs and fetch down his fifty cents more, and the whole
+operation was like squeezing bear's grease from a pig's tail, or jerking
+out eye-teeth.
+
+The miser never waylaid the market-men again; and not long after this,
+he got a spurious dollar put upon him in one of his "exchanging"
+operations, and that wound up his penny shaving.
+
+Time passed--Death called upon the wretched man of ingots and money
+bags,--but while power remained to forbid it, the old miser refused to
+have a physician. When, to all appearance, his senses were gone, his
+friends drew the miser's pantaloons from under his pillow, where he had
+always insisted on their remaining during his sleeping hours, and his
+last illness--but as one of the attendants slowly removed the garment,
+the poor old man, with a convulsive effort--a galvanic-like grab--threw
+out his bony, cold hand, and seized his old pantaloons!
+
+The miser clutched them with a dying grasp; words struggled in his
+throat; he could not utter them; his jaw fell--he was dead!
+
+Much curiosity was manifested by the friends and relatives to know what
+could have caused the poor old man to cling to his time-worn pantaloons;
+but the mystery was soon revealed--for upon examination of the linings
+of the waistbands and watch-fob, over $30,000 in bank notes were there
+concealed!
+
+The Lord's pardon and human sympathy be with all such misguided and
+wretched slaves of--money, say we.
+
+
+
+
+Dog Day.
+
+
+I used to like dogs--a puppy love that I got bravely over, since once
+upon a time, when a Dutch _bottier_, in the city of Charleston, S. C.,
+put an end to my poor _Sue_,--the prettiest and most devoted female bull
+terrier specimen of the canine race you ever did see, I guess. My _Sue_
+got into the wrong pew, one morning; the crout-eating cordwainer and she
+had a dispute--he, the bullet-headed ball of wax, ups with his revolver,
+and--I was dogless! I don't think dogs a very profitable investment, and
+every man weak enough to keep a dog in a city, ought to pay for the
+luxury handsomely--to the city authorities. Some people have a great
+weakness for dogs. Some fancy gentlemen seem to think it the very apex
+of highcockalorumdom to have the skeleton of a greyhound and highly
+polished collar--following them through crowded thorough-fares. Some
+young ladies, especially those of doubtful ages, delight in caressing
+lumps of white, cotton-looking dumpy dogs and toting them around, to the
+disgust of the lookers-on--with all the fondness and blind infatuation
+of a mamma with her first born, bran new baby. Wherever you see any
+quantity of white and black _loafers_--Philadelphia, for instance,
+you'll see rafts of ugly and wretched looking curs. Boz says poverty and
+oysters have a great affinity; in this country, for oysters read _dogs_.
+Who has not, that ever travelled over this remarkable country, had
+occasion to be down on dogs? Who that has ever lain awake, for hours at
+a stretch, listening to a blasted cur, not worth to any body the powder
+that would blow him up--but has felt a desire to advocate the dog-law,
+so judiciously practised in all well-regulated cities? Who that ever
+had a sneaking villanous cur slip up behind and _nip_ out a patch of
+your trowsers, boot top and calf--the size of an oyster, but has felt
+for the pistol, knife or club, and sworn eternal enmity to the whole
+canine race? Who that ever had a big dog jump upon your Russia-ducks and
+patent leathers--just as he had come out of a mud-puddle, but has nearly
+forfeited his title to Christianity, by cursing aloud in his grief--like
+a trooper? Well, I have, for one of a thousand.
+
+The fact of the business is, with precious few exceptions, dogs are a
+nuisance, whatever Col. Bill Porter of the "Spirit," and his thousand
+and one dog-fancying and inquiring friends, may think to the contrary;
+and the man that will invest fifty real dollars in a dog-skin, has got a
+tender place in his head, not healed up as it ought to be.
+
+While "putting up," t'other day, at the Irving House, New York, I heard
+a good dog story that will bear repeating, I think. A sporting gent from
+the country, stopping at the Irving, wanted a dog, a good dog, not
+particular whether it was a spaniel, hound, pointer, English terrier or
+Butcher's bull. So a friend advised him to put an advertisement in the
+Sun and Spirit of the Times, which he did, requesting the "fancy" to
+bring along the right sort of dog to the Irving House, room number --.
+
+The advertisement appeared simultaneously in the two papers on Saturday.
+There were but few calls that day; but on Monday, the "Spirit" having
+been freely imbibed by its numerous readers over Sunday, the dog men
+were awake, and then began the scene. The occupant of room number --had
+scarcely got up, before a servant appeared with a man and a dog.
+
+"Believe, sir, you advertised for a dog?" quoth he with the animal.
+
+"Yes," was the response of the country fancy man, who, by the way, it
+must be premised, was rather green as to the quality and prices of fancy
+dogs.
+
+"What kind of a dog do you call that?" he added.
+
+"A greyhound, full blooded, sir."
+
+"Full blooded?" says the country sportsman. "Well, he don't look as
+though he had much blood in him. He'd look better, wouldn't he, mister,
+if he was full bellied--looks as hollow as a flute!"
+
+This remark, for a moment, rather staggered the dog man, who first
+looked at his dog and then at the critic. Choking down his dander, or
+disgust, says he:
+
+"That's the best greyhound you ever saw, sir."
+
+"Well, what do you ask for him?"
+
+"Seventy-five dollars."
+
+"What? Seventy-five dollars for that dog frame?"
+
+"I guess you're a fool any way," says the dog man: "you don't know a
+hound from a tan yard cur, you jackass! Phe-e-wt! come along, Jerry!"
+and the man and dog disappeared.
+
+The man with the hollow dog had not stepped out two minutes, before the
+servant appeared with two more dog merchants; both had their specimens
+along, and were invited to "step in."
+
+"Ah! that's a dog!" ejaculated the country sportsman, the moment his
+eyes lit upon the massive proportions of a thundering edition of Mt. St.
+Bernard.
+
+"That _is_ a dog, sir," was the emphatic response of the dog merchant.
+
+"How much do you ask for that dog?" quoth the sportsman.
+
+"Well," says the trader, patting his dog, "I thought of getting about
+fifty-five dollars for him, but I--"
+
+"Stop," interrupted the country sportsman, "that's enough--he won't
+suit, no how; I can't go them figures on dogs." The man and dog left
+growling, and the next man and dog were brought up.
+
+"Why, that's a queer dog, mister, ain't it? 'Tain't got no hair on it;
+why, where in blazes did you raise such a dog as that; been scalded,
+hain't it?" says the rural sportsman, examining the critter.
+
+"Scalded?" echoed the dog man, looking no ways amiable at the speaker,
+"why didn't you never see a Chinese terrier, afore?"
+
+"No, and if that's one, I don't care about seeing another. Why, he looks
+like a singed possum?"
+
+"Well, you're a pooty looking country jake, you are, to advertise for a
+_dog_, and don't know Chiney terrier from a singed possum?"
+
+Another rap at the door announced more dogs, and as the man opened it to
+get out with his singed possum, a genus who evidently "killed for
+Keyser," rushed in with a pair of the
+ugliest-looking--savage--snub-nosed, slaughter-house pups, "the fancy"
+might ever hope to look upon! As these meat-axish canines made a rush at
+the very boot tops of the country sportsman, he "shied off," pretty
+perceptibly.
+
+"Are you de man advertised for de dogs, sa-a-ay? You needn't be afraid
+o' dem; come a'here, lay da-own, Balty--day's de dogs, mister, vot you
+read of!"
+
+"Ain't they rather fierce?" asked the rural sportsman, eyeing the ugly
+brutes.
+
+"Fierce? Better believe dey are--show 'em a f-f-ight, if you want to see
+'em go in for de chances! You want to see der teeth?"
+
+"No, I guess not," timidly responded the sportsman; "they are not
+exactly what I want," he continued.
+
+"What," says Jakey, "don't want 'em? Why, look a'here, you don't go for
+to say dat you 'spect I'm agoin' for to fetch d-dogs clean down here,
+for nuthin', do you, sa-a-ay? Cos if you do, I'll jis drop off my duds
+and lam ye out o' yer boots!"
+
+Jakey was just beginning to square, when his belligerent propositions
+were suddenly nipped in the bud, by the servant opening the door and
+ushering in more dogs; and no sooner did Jakey's pups see the
+new-comers, than they went in; a fight ensued--both of Jakey's pups
+lighting down on an able-bodied, big-bone sorrel dog, who appeared
+perfectly happy in the transaction, and having a tremendous jaw of his
+own, made the bones of the pups crack with the high pressure he gave
+them. Of course a dog fight is the _cue_ for a man fight, and in the wag
+of a dead lamb's tail, Jakey and the proprietor of the sorrel dog had a
+dispute. Jakey was attitudinizing _a la_ "the fancy," when the sorrel
+dog man--who, like his dog, was got up on a liberal scale of strength
+and proportions--walked right into Jakey's calculations, and whirled him
+in double flip-flaps on to the wash-stand of the rural sportsman's room!
+Our sporting friend viewed the various combatants more in bodily fear
+than otherwise, and was making a break for the door, to clear himself,
+when, to his horror and amazement, he found the entry beset by sundry
+men and boys, and any quantity of dogs--dogs of every hue, size, and
+description. At that moment the chawed-up pups of Jakey, and their
+equally used-up master, came a rushing down stairs--another fight ensued
+on the stairs between Jakey's dogs and some others, and then a stampede
+of dogs--mixing up of dogs--tangling of ropes and straps--cursing and
+hurraing, and such a time generally, as is far better imagined than
+described. The boarders hearing such a wild outcry--to say nothing of
+the yelps of dogs, came out of their various rooms, and retired as
+quickly, to escape the stray and confused dogs, that now were ki-yi-ing,
+yelping, and pitching all over the house! By judicious marshalling of
+the servants--broom-sticks, rolling-pins and canes, the dogs and their
+various proprietors were ejected, and order once more restored; the
+country sportsman seized his valise, paid his bills and "vamosed the
+ranche," and ever after it was incorporated in the rules of the Irving,
+that gentlemen are strictly prohibited from dealing in dogs while
+"putting up" in that house.
+
+
+
+
+Amateur Gardening.
+
+
+"I don't see what in sin's become of them dahlias I set out this
+Spring," said Tapehorn, a retired slop-shop merchant, to his wife, one
+morning a month ago, as he hunted in vain among the weeds and grass of
+his garden, to see where or when his two-dollars-a-piece dahlia roots
+were going to appear.
+
+"Can't think what's the matter with 'em," he continued. "Goldblossom
+said they were the finest roots he ever sold--ought to be up and in
+bloom--two months ago."
+
+"Oh, pa, I forgot to tell you," said Miss Tapehorn, "that our Patrick,
+one morning last Spring, was digging in the garden there, and he turned
+up some things that looked just like sweet potatoes; mother and I looked
+at them, and thought they were potatoes those Mackintoshes had left
+undug when they moved away last winter!"
+
+"Well, you-a--" gasped Tapehorn.
+
+"Well, pa, ma and I had them all dug up and cooked, and they were the
+meanest tasting things we ever knew, and we gave them all to the pigs!"
+
+Tapehorn looked like a man in the last stages of disgust, and jamming
+his fists down into his pockets, he walked into the house, muttering:
+
+"Tut, tut, tut!--thirty-two dollars and the finest lot of dahlias in the
+world--_gone to the pigs!_"
+
+
+
+
+The Two Johns at the Tremont.
+
+
+It is somewhat curious that more embarrassments, and queer _contre
+temps_ do not take place in the routine of human affairs, when we find
+so _many_ persons floating about of one and the same name. It must be
+shocking to be named John Brown, troublesome to be called John Thompson,
+but who can begin to conceive the horrors of that man's situation, who
+has at the baptismal font received the title of _John Smith_?
+
+Now it only wants a slight accident, the most trivial occurrence of
+fate--the meeting of two or three persons of the same name, or of great
+similarity of name, to create the most singular and even ludicrous
+circumstances and tableaux. One of these affairs came off at the Tremont
+House, some time since. One Thomas Johns, a blue-nose Nova-Scotian--a
+man of "some pumpkins" and "persimmons" at home, doubtless, put up for a
+few days at the Tremont, and about the same time one John Thomas, a
+genuine son of John Bull, just over in one of the steamers, took up his
+quarters at the same respectable and worthy establishment.
+
+Thomas Johns was a linen draper, sold silks, satinets, linen, and
+dimities, at his establishment in the Provinces, and was also a
+politician, and "went on" for the part of magistrate, occasionally. John
+Thomas was a retired wine-merchant, and, having netted a bulky fortune,
+he took it into his head to _travel_, and as naturally as he despised,
+and as contemptuously as he looked upon this poor, wild, unsophisticated
+country of ours, he nevertheless condescended to come and look at us.
+
+Well, there they were, Thomas Johns, and John Thomas; one was "roomed"
+in the north wing, the other in the south wing. Thomas Johns went out
+and began reconnoitering among the Yankee shop-keepers. John Thomas,
+having a fortnight's pair of sea legs on, and full of bile and beer,
+laid up at his lodgings, and passed the first three days in "hazing
+around" the servants, and blaspheming American manners and customs.
+
+Old John was quietly snoring off his bottle after a sumptuous Tremont
+dinner, when a repeated rap, rap, rap at his door aroused him.
+
+"What are you--at?" growls John.
+
+"It's ma, zur?" says one of the Milesian servants.
+
+"Blast yer hies, what want yer?" again growls John.
+
+"If ye plaze, zur, there's a young man below wishes to see you," says
+the servant.
+
+"Ha, tell 'im to clear out!" John having predestinated the "young man,"
+he gave an apoplectic snort, relapsed into his lethargy, and the servant
+whirled down into the rotunda, and informed the "young man" what the
+gentleman desired.
+
+"He did, eh?" says the young man, who looked as if he might be a clerk
+in an importing house. The young man left, in something of a high
+dudgeon.
+
+"What'r yer at now?" roared John Thomas, a second time, roused by the
+servant's rat-tat-too.
+
+"It's a gentleman wants to see yez's, zur."
+
+"Tell him to go to the d--!" and John snored again.
+
+"Is John in?" asks the gentleman, as the servant returns.
+
+"Mister _Thomas_ did yez mane, zur?"
+
+"No, yes, it is (looking at his tablets) same thing, I suppose; Thomas
+Johns," says the gentleman.
+
+"I belave it's right, zur," says the servant.
+
+"Well, what did he say?"
+
+"Faith, I think he's not in a good humor, betwane us, zur; he says yez
+may go to the divil!"
+
+"Did he? Well, that's polite, any how--invite a gentleman to dine with
+him, and then meet him with such language as that. The infernal 'blue
+nose,' I'll pull it, I'll tweak it until he'll roar like a calf!" and
+off went "the gentleman," hot as No. 6.
+
+"I belave he's not in, zur," says the same servant, answering another
+inquiry for John Thomas, or Thomas Johns, the carriage driver was not
+certain which.
+
+"Oh, ho!" says the servant, "it's a ride ould John's going fur to take
+till himself, and didn't want any callers." Reaching John's door, he
+began his tattoo.
+
+"Be hang'd to ye, what'r ye at now?" growls John, partly up and dressed.
+
+"The carriage is here, zur."
+
+"What carriage is that?" growls John, continuing his toilet.
+
+"I don't know, zur; I'll go down and sae the _number_, if ye plaze."
+
+"Thunder and tommy! What do I care for the number? Go tell the
+carriage----"
+
+"To go to the divil, zur?" says the servant, in anticipation of the
+command.
+
+"No, you bog-trotter, go tell the carriage to wait."
+
+The servant went down, and John continued his toilet, muttering--
+
+"Ah, some of their _haccommodations_, I expect; these American
+landlords, as they style 'em in these infernal wild woods 'ere, do
+manage to give a body tolerable sort of haccommodations; ha, but they'll
+take care to look hout for the dollars. I don't know, tho', these
+fellers 'ere appear tolerably clever; want me to ride hout, I suppose,
+and see some of their Yankee lions. Haw! haw! _Lions!_ I wonder what
+they'd say hif they saw Lun'un, and looked at St. Paul's once!"
+
+Getting through his toilet--and it takes an Englishman as long to fix
+his stiff cravat and that _stiffer_ and stauncher shirt-collar, and rub
+his hat, than a Frenchman to rig out _tout ensemble_, to say nothing of
+the gallons of water and dozens of towels he uses up in the
+operation--John found the carriage waiting; he asked no questions, but
+jumped in.
+
+"Isn't there some others beside yourself going out, sir?" says the
+driver, supposing he had the right man, or one of them.
+
+"No; drive off--where are you going to drive me?"
+
+"Mount Auburn, sir, the carriage was ordered for."
+
+"Humph! Some of the _battle-grounds_, I suppose," John grunts to
+himself, falls into a fit of English doggedness, and the coach drives
+off.
+
+Thomas Johns made little or no noise or confusion in the house,
+consequently he was not known to the servants, and very little known to
+the clerks. John Thomas was another person--he was all fuss and
+feathers. He kept his bell ringing, and the servants rushing for towels
+and water, water and towels, boots and beer, beer and boots, the English
+papers, maps of America, &c., without cessation. He was John Thomas and
+Thomas Johns, one and indivisible.
+
+John got his ride, and returned to the hotel sulkier than ever; and by
+the time he got unrobed of his pea-jackets and huge shawls about his
+burly neck, he was telegraphed by a servant to come down; there was a
+gentleman below on business with him. John foreswore business, but the
+gentleman must see him, and up he came for that purpose. His
+unmistakable _mug_ told he was "an officer."
+
+"I've a bill against you, sir, $368,20. Must be paid immediately!" said
+the presenter, peremptorily.
+
+John was thunderstruck.
+
+"Me, and be hanged to ye!" says John, getting his breath.
+
+"Yes, sir, for goods packed at Smith & Brown's, for Nova Scotia. The
+bill was to be paid this morning, as you agreed, but you told the clerk
+to go to the d--l! Won't do, that sort of work, here. Pay the bill, or
+you must go with me!"
+
+John, when he found himself in custody, swore it was some infernal
+Yankee scheme to gouge him, and he started for the clerk's office,
+below, to have some explanation. As John and the officer reached the
+rotunda, a gentleman steps up behind John, and gives his nose a
+first-rate _lug_. They clinched, the bystanders and servants interposed,
+and John and his assailant were parted, and by this time the nose puller
+discovered he had the wrong man by the nose!
+
+"Is your name Thomas Johns?" says the nose puller.
+
+"Blast you, no!"
+
+"Who pays this bill for the carriage, if your name ain't Johns?" says a
+man with a bill for the carriage hire.
+
+"I allers heard as ow you Yan-gees were inquisitive, and sharp after the
+dollars, and I'm 'anged if you ain't awful. My name's John Thomas, from
+Lun'un, bound back again in the next steamer. Now who's got any thing
+against _me_?"
+
+Thomas Johns came in at this climax, an explanation ensued, John was
+relieved of his embarrassment, and all were finally satisfied, except
+John Thomas, who, venting a few bottles of his spleen on every body and
+all things--Americans especially--took to his bed and beer, and snorted
+for a week.
+
+
+
+
+The Yankee in a Boarding School.
+
+
+"Well, squire, as I wer' tellin' on ye, when I went around pedlin'
+notions, I met many queer folks; some on 'em so darn'd preoud and sassy,
+they wouldn't let a feller look at 'em; a-n-d 'd shut their doors and
+gates, _bang_ into a feller's face, jest as ef a Yankee pedler was a
+pizen sarpint! Then there waa-s t'other kind o' human critters, so pesky
+poor, or 'nation stingy, they'd pinch a fourpence till it'd squeal like
+a stuck pig. Ye-e-s, I do _swow_, I've met some critters so dog-ratted
+mean, that ef you had sot a steel trap onder their beds, a-n-d baited it
+with three cents, yeou'd a cotch ther con-feoun-ded souls afore
+mornin'!"
+
+"Massy sakes!" responded the squire.
+
+"Fact! by ginger!" echoed the ex-pedler.
+
+"Well, go on, Ab," said the squire, giving his pipe another 'charge,'
+and lighting up for the yarn Absalom Slamm had promised the gals, soon
+as the quilt was out and refreshments were handed around.
+
+"Go on, Ab--let's hear abeout that scrape yeou had with the school marm
+and her gals."
+
+"Wall, I _will_, squire; gals, spread yeourselves areound and squat;
+take care o' yeour corset strings, and keep deth-ly still. Wall; neow,
+yeou all sot? Hain't none o' ye been in the pedlin' business, I guess;
+wall, no matter, tho' it's dread-ful pleasant sometimes: then again at
+others, 'taint."
+
+"Go on, Ab, go on," said the squire.
+
+"Ye-e-s; wall, as I was saying, 'beout tradin', none o' yeou ever been
+in the tradin' way? Wall, it deon't matter a cent; as I was agoin' to
+say, I had hard, hard luck one season--got clean busted all tew smash!
+O-o-o! it was _dre-a-a-dful times_; jest abeout the time Gineral Jackson
+clapped his _we-toe_ on the hull o' the banks, kersock. Wall, yeou see,
+I got broke all tew flinders. My ole hoss died, the sun and rain beat up
+my wagon, I sold eout my notions tew a feller that paid me all in
+ceounter-fit money, and then he dug eout, as Parson Dodge says, to
+undiskivered kedn'try.
+
+"There was only one way abeout it; I was beound to dew somethin',
+instead o' goin' to set deown and blubber; and as I layed stretched eout
+in bed one Sunday morning, in Marm Smith's tavern, in the cockloft among
+the old stuff, I spies a darn'd ole consarn that took my fancy immazin'!
+As Deb Brown said, when she 'sperienced rele-gen, I felt my sperrets
+raisin' me clean eout o' bed, and eout I beounced, like a pea in a hot
+skillet. Deown I goes to Marm Smith; the ole lady was dressed up to
+death in her Sunday-go-to-meetin's, and jest as preoud and sassy as her
+darn'd ole skin ceould heould in.
+
+"'Marm Smith,' sez I, 'yeou hain't got no ole stuff yeou deon't want tew
+sell nor nuthin', dew ye?'
+
+"'_Ab Slamm_,' sez she, plantin' her thumbs on her hip joints, and as
+the milishey officer ses on trainin' day, comin' at me, 'right face,'
+she spread herself like a clapboard. 'Ab Slamm,' sez she, 'what on airth
+possesses yeou to talk o' tradin' on the Sabbath?'
+
+"'Wall,' sez I, 'Marm Smith, yeou needn't take on so 'beout it; I guess
+a feller kin ax a question witheout tradin' or breakin' the Sabbath all
+tew smash, either! Neow,' says I, 'yeou got some ole plunder up ther in
+the cockloft, where yeou stuck me to sleep; 'tain't much use to yeou,
+and one article I see I want to trade fur.'
+
+"Wall, we didn't trade _'zactly_. Marm Smith, yeou see, got
+dre-e-e-adful relejus 'beout that time--wouldn't let her gals draw ther
+breth scacely, and shot her roosters all up in the cellar every Sunday.
+Fact, by ginger! Wall, yeou see, Marm Smith were agin tradin' on Sunday,
+but she sed I might arrange it with Ben, her barkeeper, and so I got the
+instrument, _any heow_."
+
+"What was it, Ab?" inquired the squire.
+
+"Massy sakes, tell us!" says the gals.
+
+"I sha'n't dew it, till I tell the hull abeout it," Ab replied, rather
+choosing, like Captain Cuttle, to break the gist of his information into
+small chunks, and so make it the more _telling_ and comparatively
+interesting.
+
+"When I got the _instrument_, and paid Marm Smith my board bill, I wer
+in possession of a cash capital of jest three fo'pences. I took my
+jack-knife, and unjinted the instrument, cleaned it off, then wrapped
+the different sections up in a paper, put the hull in my little yaller
+trunk, and dug eout. When I got clean eout o' sight and hearin' of
+everybody I'd ever hear'n tell on, I stopped r-i-g-h-t in my track. My
+cash capital wer gone, my mortal remains were holler as a flute, and my
+old trunk had worn a hole clean through the shoulder o' my best Sunday
+coat. I put up, and sez I tew the landlord:
+
+"'Squire, what sort o' place is this for a sheow?'
+
+"'For a sh-e-ow?' sez he.
+
+"'Ye-e-e-s,' sez I.
+
+"'What a' yeou got to sh-e-o-w?' sez he.
+
+"'The most wonderful instrument ever inwent-'d,' sez I.
+
+"'What's 't fur?' sez he.
+
+"'For the wimen,' sez I.
+
+"'O! sez he, lookin' alfired peart and smeart, as tho' he'd seen a flock
+o' l'fants; 'quack doctor, I s'pose, eh?'
+
+"'No, I ben't a quack doctor, nuther,' sez I, priming up at the
+insin-i-wa-tion.
+
+"'Wall, what on airth hev yeou got, _any heow_?' sez he.
+
+"When he 'poligized in that sort o' way, in course I up and told him
+the full perticklers 'beout a wonderful _instrument_ I had for the
+ladies and wimen folks. A-n-d heow I wanted to sheow it before some o'
+the female sim-i-nar-ries, and give a lectoor on't.
+
+"'By bunker!' sez he, 'then yeou've cum jest teou the spot; three miles
+up the road is the great _Jargon Institoot_, 'spressly for young ladies,
+wher they teach 'em the 'rethmetic, French scollopin', and High-tall-ion
+curlycues; dancin', tight-lacin', hair-dressin', and so forth, with the
+use of curlin' irons, forty pinanners, and parfumeries chuck'd in.'
+
+"'Yeou deon't _say_ so?' sez I.
+
+"'Yes, I doos,' sez he; and then yeou had orter seen me make streaks fur
+the Jargon Institoot.
+
+"I feound the place, knocked on the door, and a feller all starch'd up,
+lookin' cruel nice, kem and opened the door. I axed if the marm were in.
+Then he wanted tew kneow which of 'em I wanted tew see. 'The head marm
+of the Institoot,' sez I. 'Please to give me yeour keard,' sez he. 'You
+be darn'd,' sez I; 'I'd have yeou know, mister,' sez I, 'I don't deal in
+_keards_--never did, nuther!'
+
+"The feller show'd a heap o' ivory, and brought deown the head marm. It
+weould a' dun Marm Smith's ole heart good to seen this dre-e-a-d-ful
+pius critter. She looked mighty nice, a-n-d she scolloped reound, and
+beow'd and cut an orful quantity o' capers, when I ondid my business to
+her. I went on and told her heow in course o' travel--
+
+"'In furrin pearts?' sez she.
+
+"'Yes,' sez I--'I kim across a great instrument,' sez I. 'It was well
+known to the wimen and ladies o' the past gin-i-rations,' sez I.
+
+"'The an-shants?' sez she.
+
+"'Yes, marm,' sez I. Then she axed me wether it wer a wind instrer-ment
+or a stringed instrer-ment. A-n-d I told her it wer a stringed
+instrer-ment, but went on the hurdy-gurdy pren-cipl', with a crank or
+treddle. But what I moost dwelt on, as the ox-ion-eer sez, were the
+great combinations of the instrer-ment, a-n-d I piled it up
+dre-e-e-adful! I told the marm I wanted to git the thing patented, and
+put before the people--the wimen and ladies in per-tick'ler--so that
+every gal in the univarsal world could play upon it--exercise her hands,
+strengthen her arms and chist, give her form a nater-al de-welop-ment,
+and so make the hull grist o' wimen critters useful, as well as
+or-namental, as my instrer-ment was a useful necessity; for while it
+lent grace and beauty to the female form, and gin forth fust rate music,
+it was par-fect-ly scriptooral; it ceould be made to clothe the naked
+and feed the hon-gry. My il-o-quince had the marm. She 'greed to buy one
+of my machines _straight_ fur use of her _Institoot_--each school-gal to
+'put in' by next day, when I wer to bring the instrer-ment, get my $40,
+and deliver a lectoor on it. Next mornin', bright and early, I wer
+there; the _puss_ wer made up, and the gals nigh abeout bilin' over with
+curiosity to see my wonderful _hand-limberer, arm-strengthener,
+chist-expander, female-beautifier, and univarsal musical machine!_ When
+they all got assembled, I ondid the machine; they wer still as death!
+When I sot it up, they wer breathless with wonderment; when I started
+it, they gin a gineral screech of delight. Then I sot deown and played
+'em _old hund'erd_, and every gal in the room vowed right eout she'd
+have one made _straight!_ O-o-o! yeou'd a died to seen the excitement
+that instrer-ment made in Jargon Institoot. The head marm wanted my
+ortergraff, and each o' the gals a lock o' my hair. But just then, a
+confeounded ole woolly-headed Virginny nigger wench, cook o' the Jargon
+Institoot, kem in, and the moment she clapped her ole eyes on my
+inwention, she roared reight eout, 'O! de _Lud_, ef dar ain't one de ole
+Virginny _spinnin' wheels!_' I kinder had bus'ness somewheres else
+'beout that time! I took with a leaving!"
+
+
+
+
+A Dreadful State of Excitement.
+
+
+A retrospective view of some ten or fifteen years, brings up a wonderful
+"heap of notions," which at their birth made quite a different sensation
+from that which their "bare remembrance" would seem to sanction now. The
+statement made in a "morning paper" before us, of a fine horse being
+actually scared stone and instantaneously dead, by a roaring and hissing
+locomotive, brings to mind "a circumstance," which though it did not
+exactly _do our knitting_, it came precious near the climax!
+
+Some years ago, upon what was then considered the "frontier" of
+Missouri, we chanced to be laid up with a "game leg," in consequence of
+a performance of a bullet-headed mule that we were endeavoring to coerce
+at the end of a corn stalk, for his "intervention" in a fodder stack to
+which he could lay no legitimate claim. About two miles from our
+"lodgings" was a store, a "grocery," shotecary pop, boots, hats,
+gridirons, whiskey, powder and shot, &c., &c., and the post office.
+About three times a week, we used to hobble down to this modern ark, to
+read the news, see what was going on down in the world, and--pass a few
+hours with the proprietor of the store, who chanced to be a man with
+whom we had had a former acquaintance "in other climes." Well, one day,
+we dropped down to the store, and found pretty much all the men
+folks--and they were not numerous around there, the houses or cabins
+being rather scattering--getting ready to go down the river (Missouri)
+some ten miles, to see a notorious desperado "stretch hemp." My friend
+Captain V----, the storekeeper, was about to go along too, and proposed
+that we should mount and accompany him, or--stay and tend store. We
+accepted the latter proposition, as we were in no travelling kelter, and
+had no taste for performances on the tight rope. Having officiated for
+Captain V---- on several former occasions, we had the run of his
+"grocery" and _postal_ arrangements quite fluent enough to take charge
+of all the trade likely to turn up that day; so the captain and his
+friends started, promising a return before sunset.
+
+One individual, living some seven miles up the road, called for his
+newspaper, and got his jug filled, spent a couple of hours with us--put
+out, and was succeeded by two squalid Indians, with some skins to trade
+for corn juice and tobacco; they cleared out, and about two or three P.
+M., some _movers_ came along; we had a little dicker with them, and that
+closed up the business accounts of the day.
+
+Having discussed all the availables, from the contents of the post
+office--seven newspapers and four letters per quarter!--to the crackers
+and cheese, and business being essentially stagnated, we ups and lies
+down upon the top of the counter, to take a nap. Captain V----'s store
+was a log building, about 15 by 30, and stood near the edge of the
+woods, and at least half a mile from any habitation, except the
+schoolhouse and blacksmith's shop, two small huts, and at that time--"in
+coventry." Captain V---- was a bachelor; he boarded--that is, he took
+his meals at the nearest house--half a mile back from the wood, and
+slept in his store. We soon fell into the soft soothing arms of
+Morpheus, and--slept. It was fine mild weather--September, and, of
+course, the door was wide open. How long we slept we were not at all
+conscious, but were aroused by a heavy hand that gave us a hearty shake
+by the shoulder, and in a rather sepulchral voice says--
+
+"How are you?"
+
+Gods! we were up quick, for our sleep had been visited by dreams of
+southwest tragedies, hanging scrapes, and other nightmare affairs, and
+as we opened our eyes and caught a glimpse of the double-fisted,
+cadaverous fellow standing over us, a strong inclination to go off into
+a cold sweat seized us! Lo! it was after sunset! Almost dark in the
+store, the stars had already began to twinkle in the sky.
+
+Captain V---- did a considerable trade at his store, and at times had
+considerable sums of money laying around. Upon leaving in the morning,
+he notified us, in case we should require _change_, to look into the
+desk, where he kept a shot bag of silver coin, and--his pistols.
+
+"How are you?" the words and manner and looks of the man gave us a cold
+chill.
+
+"How do you do?" we managed to respond, at the same time sliding down
+behind the counter. The stranger had a heavy walking stick in his hand,
+and a knapsack looking bundle swung to his shoulder. He looked like the
+rough remnants of an ill-spent life; had evidently travelled somewhere
+where barbers, washer-women and such like civilian delicacies, were more
+matters of tradition than fact.
+
+"Been asleep, eh?" he carelessly continued.
+
+"It appears so," said we, feeling no better or more satisfactory in our
+mind, and no reason to, for night was now closing in, and we were going
+through our performances by the slight illumination of the stars,
+without any positive certainty as to where the Captain kept his tinder
+box and candle, that we might furnish some sort of light upon the
+lugubrious state of affairs.
+
+"Do you keep this store?"
+
+"No, we do not," we answered, watching the man as he put his bundle down
+upon the counter.
+
+"Who does?" was the next question.
+
+"The gentleman who keeps it," we replied, "is away to-day."
+
+"Ah, gone to see a poor human being put out of the world, eh?"
+
+We said "yes," or something of the kind, and thought to ourself, no
+doubt you know all that's going on of that sort of business like a book,
+and a host of other ideas flashed across our mind, while all the evil
+deeds of note transacted in that region for the past ten years, seemed
+awakened in our mind's eye, working up our nervous system, until the
+coon skin cap upon our excited head stood upon about fifteen hairs, with
+the strange and overwhelming impression that our time had come! We would
+have given the State of Missouri--if it were in our possession, to have
+heard Captain V----'s voice, or even have had a fair chance to dash out
+at the door, and give the fellow before us a specimen of tall
+walking--lame as we were!
+
+"Ain't you got a _light_? I'd think you'd be a little timid (a _little_
+timid!) about laying around here, alone, in the dark, too?" said the
+fellow, sticking one hand into his coat pocket, and gazing sharply
+around the store. Mock heroically says we--
+
+"Afraid? Afraid of what?" our valor, like Bob Acres', oozing out at our
+fingers.
+
+"These outlaws you've got around here," said he. "They say the man they
+hanged to-day was a decent fellow to what some are, who prowl around in
+this country!"
+
+We very modestly said, "that such fellows never bothered us."
+
+"Do you sleep in this store--live here?"
+
+"No, sir, we don't," was our answer.
+
+"Where do you lodge and get your eating?"
+
+"First house up the road."
+
+"How far is it?" says he.
+
+"Half a mile or less."
+
+"Well, close up your shop, and come along with me!" says the fellow.
+
+Now we were coming to the _tableaux!_ He wanted us to step outside in
+order that the business could be done for us, with more haste and
+certainty, and we really felt as good as assassinated and hid in the
+bushes! It was quite astonishing how our visual organs intensified! We
+could see every wrinkle and line in the fellow's face, could almost
+count the stitches in his coat, and the more we looked, and the keener
+and more searching became our observation, the more atrocious and subtle
+became the fellow and his purpose. With a firmness that astonished
+ourself, we said--
+
+"_No, Sir_; if _you_ have business there or elsewhere, you had better
+_go!_" and with this determined speech, we walked up to the desk, and
+with the air of a "man of business" or the nonchalance of a hero, says
+we--
+
+"What are you after--have you any business with _us_?"
+
+"You're kind of crusty, Mister," says he. "I'm canvassing this
+State,--_wouldn't you like to subscribe for a first-rate map of
+Missouri_, OR A NEW EDITION OF JOSEPHUS?"
+
+We felt too mean all over to "subscribe," but we found a light, and soon
+found in the stranger one of the best sort of fellows, a man of
+information and morality, and, though he had _looked_ dangerous, he
+turned out harmless as a lamb, and we got intimate as brothers before
+Captain V---- returned that night.
+
+
+
+
+Ralph Waldo Emerson.
+
+
+Of all the public lecturers of our time and place, none have attracted
+more attention from the press, and consequently the people, than RALPH
+WALDO EMERSON.
+
+Lecturing has become quite a fashionable science--and now, instead of
+using the old style phrases for illustrating facts, we call travelling
+preachers perambulating showmen, and floating politicians, _lecturers_.
+
+As a lecturer, Ralph Waldo Emerson is extensively known around these
+parts; but whether his lectures come under the head of law, logic,
+politics, Scripture, or the show business, is a matter of much
+speculation; for our own part, the more we read or hear of Ralph, the
+more we don't know what it's all about.
+
+Somebody has said, that to his singularity of style or expression,
+Carlyle and his works owe their great notoriety or fame--and many
+compare Ralph Waldo to old Carlyle. They cannot trace exactly any great
+affinity between these two great geniuses of the flash literary school.
+Carlyle writes vigorously, quaintly enough, but almost always speaks
+when he says something; on the contrary, our flighty friend Ralph speaks
+vigorously, yet says nothing! Of all men that have ever stood and
+delivered in presence of "a reporter," none surely ever led these
+indefatigable knights of the pen such a wild-goose chase over the
+verdant and flowery pastures of King's English, as Ralph Waldo Emerson.
+In ordinary cases, a reporter well versed in his art, catches a sentence
+of a speaker, and goes on to fill it out upon the most correct
+impression of what was intended, or what is implied. But no such
+license follows the outpourings of Mr. Emerson; no thought can fathom
+his intentions, and quite as bottomless are even his finished sentences.
+We have known "old stagers," in the newspaporial line, veteran
+reporters, so dumbfounded and confounded by the first fire of Ralph, and
+his grand and lofty acrobating in elocution, that they up, seized their
+hat and paper, and sloped, horrified at the prospect of an attempt to
+"take down" Mr. Emerson.
+
+If Roaring Ralph touches a homely mullen weed, on a donkey heath,
+straightway he makes it a full-blown rose, in the land of Ophir,
+shedding an odor balmy as the gales of Arabia; while with a facility the
+wonderful London auctioneer Robbins might envy, Ralph imparts to a
+lime-box, or pig-sty, a negro hovel, or an Irish shanty, all the
+romance, artistic elegance and finish of a first-class manor-house, or
+Swiss cottage, inlaid with alabaster and fresco, surrounded by elfin
+bowers, grand walks, bee hives, and honeysuckles.
+
+Ralph don't group his metaphorical beauties, or dainties of Webster,
+Walker, &c., but rushes them out in torrents--rattles them down in
+cataracts and avalanches--bewildering, astounding, and incomprehensible.
+He hits you upon the left lug of your knowledge box with a metaphor so
+unwieldy and original, that your breath is soon gone--and before it is
+recovered, he gives you another _rhapsody_ on t'other side, and as you
+try to steady yourself, _bim_ comes another, heavier than the first two,
+while a fourth batch of this sort of elocution fetches you a bang over
+the eyes, giving you a vertigo in the ribs of your bewildered senses,
+and before you can say "God bless us!" down he has you--_cobim!_ with a
+deluge of high-heeled grammar and three-storied Anglo Saxon, settling
+your hash, and brings you to the ground by the run, as though you were
+struck by lightning, or in the way of a 36-pounder! Ralph Waldo is death
+and an entire _stud_ of pale horses on flowery expressions and
+japonica-domish flubdubs. He revels in all those knock-kneed, antique,
+or crooked and twisted words we used all of us to puzzle our brains over
+in the days of our youth, and grammar lessons and rhetoric exercises. He
+has a penchant as strong as cheap boarding-house butter, for
+mystification, and a free delivery of hard words, perfectly and
+unequivocally wonderful. We listened one long hour by the clock of
+Rumford Hall, one night, to an outpouring of _argumentum ad hominem_ of
+Mr. Emerson's--at what? A boy under an apple tree! If ten persons out of
+the five hundred present were put upon their oaths, they could no more
+have deciphered, or translated Mr. Ralph's argumentation, than they
+could the hieroglyphics upon the walls of Thebes, or the sarcophagus of
+old King Pharaoh! When Ralph Waldo opens, he may be as calm as a May
+morn--he may talk for five minutes, like a book--we mean a
+common-sensed, understandable book; but all of a sudden the fluid will
+strike him--up he goes--down he fetches them. He throws a double
+somerset backwards over Asia Minor--flip-flaps in Greece--wings
+Turkey--and _skeets_ over Iceland; here he slips up with a flower
+garden--a torrent of gilt-edged metaphors, that would last a country
+parson's moderate demand a long lifetime, are whirled with the fury and
+fleetness of Jove's thunderbolts. After exhausting his sweet-scented
+receiver of this floral elocution, he pauses four seconds; pointing to
+vacuum, over the heads of his audience, he asks, in an anxious tone, "Do
+you see that?" Of course the audience are not expected to be so
+unmannerly as to ask "What?" If they were, Ralph would not give them
+time to "go in," for after asking them if they see _that_, he
+continues--
+
+"There! Mark! Note! It is a malaria prism! Now, then; here--there; see
+it! Note it! Watch it!"
+
+During this time, half of the audience, especially the old women and the
+children, look around, fearful of the ceiling falling in, or big bugs
+lighting on them. But the pause is for a moment, and anxiety ceases when
+they learn it was only a false alarm, only--
+
+"Egotism! The lame, the pestiferous exhalation or concrete malformation
+of society!"
+
+You breathe freer, and Ralph goes in, gloves on.
+
+"Egotism! A metaphysical, calcareous, oleraceous amentum of--society!
+The mental varioloid of this sublunary hemisphere! One of its worst
+feelings or features is, the craving of sympathy. It even loves
+sickness, because actual pain engenders signs of sympathy. All
+cultivated men are infected more or less with this dropsy. But they are
+still the leaders. The life of a few men is the life of every place. In
+Boston you hear and see a few, so in New York; then you may as well die.
+Life is very narrow. Bring a few men together, and under the spell of
+one calm genius, what frank, sad confessions will be made! Culture is
+the suggestion from a few best thoughts that a man should not be a
+charlatan, but temper and subdue life. Culture redresses his balance,
+and puts him among his equals. It is a poor compliment always to talk
+with a man upon his _specialty_, as if he were a cheese-mite, and was
+therefore strong on Cheshire and Stilton. Culture takes the grocer out
+of his molasses and makes him genial. We pay a heavy price for those
+fancy goods, Fine Arts and Philosophy. No performance is worth loss of
+geniality. That unhappy man called of genius, is an unfortunate man.
+Nature always carries her point despite the means!"
+
+If that don't convince you of Ralph's high-heeled, knock-kneed logic, or
+_au fait_ dexterity in concocting flap-doodle mixtures, you're ahead of
+ordinary intellect as far as this famed lecturer is in advance of gin
+and bitters, or opium discourses on--delirium tremens!
+
+In short, Ralph Waldo Emerson can wrap up a subject in more mystery and
+science of language than ever a defunct Egyptian received at the hands
+of the mummy manufacturers! In person, Mr. Ralph is rather a pleasing
+sort of man; in manners frank and agreeable; about forty years of age,
+and a native of Massachusetts. As a lawyer, he would have been the
+horror of jurors and judges; as a lecturer, he is, as near as possible,
+what we have described him.
+
+
+
+
+Humbug.
+
+
+There is no end to the humbug in life. About half we say, and more than
+half we do, is tinged with humbug. "My Dear Sir," we say, when we
+address a letter to a fellow we have never seen, and if seen, perhaps
+don't care a continental cent for him; _dear_ sir! what a humbug
+expression! "Good morning," (what a lie!) says one, as he meets another
+_one_, on a stormy and nasty day, "quite a disagreeable wet day!" What's
+the use of such a humbug expression as that? If it's a disagreeable and
+stormy day, every body finds it out, naturally. Full half of the people
+who appear solicitous about your _health_, display a gratuitous amount
+of humbug, for your pocket-book is more beloved than your health; and we
+have often wondered why matter-of-fact people don't out with it, when
+they meet, and say--"How's your pocket to-day? Sorry to hear you're out
+of _money!_" Or, instead of soft soap, when they meet, why not discard
+humbug, and say, "Sorry to see you--was blackguarding you all day!"
+instead of "Glad to see you--have been _thinking_ of you to-day!" or,
+"I'm glad to see you've been elected Mayor of the city!" when in fact
+they mean, "Curse you, I wish you had been defeated!" Compliments
+_pass_, they say, when _gentlemen_ meet, but, as there are so many
+counterfeit gentry around, now-a-days, you may bet high that half the
+_compliments_ that _pass_ are--_mere bogus!_
+
+
+
+
+Hotel Keeping.
+
+
+Fortunes are made--very readily, it is said, in our large cities, by
+Hotel keeping. It does look money-making business to a great many
+people, who stop in a large hotel a day or two, and perhaps, after
+eating about two meals out of six--walking in quietly and walking out
+quietly--no fuss, no feathers, find themselves _taxed_ four or five
+dollars!
+
+We have had occasion to know something of travel and travellers, hotels,
+hotel-keepers and their bills, and it _has_ now and then entered our
+head that money was or could be made--in the hotel business. We _have_
+stopped in houses where we honestly concluded--we got our money's worth,
+and we have again had reason to believe ourselves grossly shaved, in a
+"first-class" hotel, at two dollars a day--all hurry-scurry, poked up in
+the cock-loft, mid bugs, dirt, heat and effluvia, very little better
+than a Dutch tavern in fly time.
+
+We did not fail to observe at the same time, that cool impudence and
+clamor had a most mollifying effect upon landlord and his _attaches_,
+the tinsel and mere electrotypes passing for real bullion, galvanized
+_hums_ by their noise and pretensions faring fifty per cent. better for
+the same _price_--than the more republican, quiet and human wayfarer.
+
+Under such auspices, it is not at all wonderful that ourself and scores
+of others, paying two dollars and a half per diem, got what we could
+catch, while Kossuth, and a score of his followers, fared and were
+favored like princes of a monarchical realm--"though all _dead heads!_"
+
+Hotels now-a-days must be _showy_, abounding in tin foil, Dutch metal
+and gamboge, a thousand of the "modern improvements"--mere clap-trap,
+and as foreign to the solid comforts of solid people, as icebergs to
+Norwegians or "east winds" to the consumptive. Without the show, they
+would be quite deserted; men will pay for this _show_, must pay for it,
+and all this show costs money; Turkey carpets, life-size mirrors,
+ottomans and marble slabs, from dome to kitchen, _draw well_, and those
+who indulge in the dance, must pay the piper.
+
+The fact is, most people understand these things about as well as we do,
+and it but remains for us to give a daguerreotype of a _few customers_
+which landlords or their clerks and servants now and then meet. The
+conductor of one of our first-class houses, gives us such a truly
+piquant and matter-of-fact picture of _his_ experience, that we _up_ and
+copy it, believing, as we do, that the reader will see some information
+and amusement in the subject.
+
+A fussy fellow takes it into his head that he will go on a little tour,
+he pockets a few dollars and a clean dickey or two, and--comes to town.
+He's no green horn--O! no, he ain't, he has been around some--he has,
+and knows a thing or two, and something over. He is dumped out of the
+cars with hundreds of others, in the great depots, and is assailed by
+vociferous _whips_ who, in quest of stray dimes, watch the incoming
+_trains_ and shout and bawl--
+
+"Eh 'up! Tremont House!"
+
+"Up--_a!_ American House--right away!"
+
+"Ha! _up!_ Right off for the Revere!"
+
+"Here's the coach--already for the United States!"
+
+"Yee 'up! now we go, git in, best house in town, all ready for the
+Winthrop House!"
+
+"Eh 'up, _ha!_ now we are off, for the Pavilion!"
+
+"Exchange Coffee House--dollar a day, four meals, no extra charge--right
+along this way, sir!"
+
+"Hoo-_ray_, this coach--take you right up, Exchange Hotel!"
+
+"Jump in, tickets for your baggage, sir, take you up--right off, best
+house in town, hot supper waitin'--way for the Adams House!"
+
+And so they yell and grab at you, and our fussy friend, having heard of
+the tall arrangements and great doings of the _American_, he hands
+himself over to the coachman, and with a load of others he is rolled
+over to that institution, in a jiffy. Our fussy friend is slightly "took
+down" at the idea of paying for the hauling up, having a notion that
+that was a part of the accommodation! However, he ain't a going to look
+small or verdant; so he pays the coachman, grabs his valise, and rushes
+into the long colonnaded office; and making his way to the _register_,
+slams down his baggage, and in a dignified, authoritative manner, says--
+
+"A room!"
+
+"Yes, sir," responds the Colonel, or some of the clerks--who may be
+officiating.
+
+"Supper!" says Capt. Fussy, in the same tone of command.
+
+"Certainly, sir--please register your name, sir!"
+
+Captain Fussy off's gloves, seizes the pen, and down goes his autograph,
+Captain Fussy, Thumperstown, N. H.
+
+"Now, I want a hot steak!" says he.
+
+"You can have it, sir!" blandly replies the Colonel.
+
+"Hot chocolate," continues Fussy.
+
+"Certainly, sir!"
+
+"Eggs, poached, and a--hot roll!"
+
+"They'll be all ready, sir."
+
+"How soon?"
+
+"Five minutes, sir," says the Colonel, talking to a dozen at the same
+time.
+
+"Ah, well--show me my room!" says Captain Fussy.
+
+The bells are ringing--servants running to and fro, like witches in a
+whirlwind; fifty different calls--tastes--orders and fancies, are being
+served, but Capt. Fussy is attended to, a servant seizes his valise and
+a taper, and in the most winning way, cries--
+
+"This way, sir, _right along!_" With a measured tread and the air of a
+man who knew what it was all about, the Captain follows the _garcon_ and
+mounts one flight of the broad stairs, and is about to ascend another,
+when it strikes him that he's not going up to the top of the house,
+nohow!
+
+"Where are you going to take me to--up into the garret?"
+
+"Oh! no, sir; your room's only 182; that's only on the third floor!"
+
+"Third floor!" cries Capt. Fussy, "take _me_ up into the third story?"
+
+"Plenty of gentlemen on the fifth and sixth floors, sir," says the
+servant, and he goes ahead, Capt. Fussy following, muttering--
+
+"Pooty doin's this, taking a _gentleman_ up three of these cussed long
+stairs, to room 182! I'll see about this, I will; mus'n't come no gammon
+over me; I'm able to pay, and want the worth of my money!"
+
+The third floor is reached, and after a brief meandering along the
+halls, 182 is arrived at, the door thrown open and Capt. Fussy is
+ushered in; his first effort is to find fault with the carpets,
+furniture, bedding or something, but as he had never probably seen such
+a general arrangement for ease, comfort and convenience--he caved in and
+merely gave a deep-toned--
+
+"_Ah._ Got better rooms than this, ain't you?"
+
+"There may be, sir, a few better rooms in the house, not many," said the
+servant.
+
+"Well, you may go--but stop--how soon'll my supper be ready?"
+
+"There'll be a supper set at eight, another at nine, sir."
+
+"Ah, four minutes of eight," says Fussy, pulling out a "bull's eye"
+watch, with as much flourish as if it was a premium eighteen-_carat
+lever_. "Well, call me when you've got supper ready, do you hear?"
+
+"Yes, sir; but you'll hear the gong."
+
+"The gong--what's that? Ain't you got no bells?"
+
+"The gong is used, sir, instead of bells," says the servant.
+
+"_Ah_, well, clear out--but say, I want a fire in here."
+
+"Yes, sir; I'll send up a fireman."
+
+"A fireman? What do I want with _firemen_? Bring in some wood, and,
+stranger--start up--a hello! thunder and saw mills, what's all that
+racket about--house a-fire?"
+
+"No, _sir!_" says the grinning servant--"the _gong_--supper's on the
+table!"
+
+"_Ah_, very well; go ahead; where's the room?"
+
+Conducted to the dining-room, Capt. Fussy's eyes stretch at the
+wholesale display of table-cloths, arm-chairs, "crockery" and cutlery,
+mirrors and white-aproned waiters. A seat is offered him, he dumps
+himself down, amazed but determined to look and act like one used to
+these affairs, from the hour of his birth!
+
+"I ordered hot steak, poached eggs--hain't you got 'em?"
+
+"Certainly, sir!" says the waiter, and the steak and eggs are at hand.
+
+"Coffee or tea, sir?" another servant inquires.
+
+"Coffee and tea! Humph, I ordered chocolate--hain't you got chocolate?"
+
+"Oh, yes, sir; there it is."
+
+"_Ah_, umph!" and Fussy gazes around and turns his nose slightly up, at
+the whole concern, waiters, guests, table, steak, eggs, chocolate,
+and--even the tempting hot rolls--before him.
+
+Fussy calls for a glass of water, wants to know if there's fried oysters
+on the table; he finds there is not, and Fussy frowns and asks for a
+lobster salad, which the waiter informs him is never used at supper, in
+that hotel.
+
+Eventually, Capt. Fussy being _crammed_, after an hour's diligent
+feeding, fuss and feathers, retires, asks all sorts of questions about
+people and places, at the _office_; what time trains start and steamers
+come, omnibuses here and stages there, all of which he is politely
+answered, of course, and he finally goes to his room, rings his bell
+every ten minutes, for an hour, and then--goes to bed; next day puts the
+servants and clerks over another course, and on the third day--calls for
+his bill, finds but few extras charged, hands over a _five_, puts on his
+gloves, seizes his valise, looks savagely dignified and stalks out, big
+as two military officers in regimentals!
+
+"_Ah_," says Fussy, as he reaches the street, "_I_ put 'em through--_I
+guess I got the worth of my money!_"
+
+We calculate he did!
+
+
+
+
+"According to Gunter."
+
+
+Old Gunter was going home t'other night with a very heavy "turkey
+on"--about a forty-four pounder. Gunter accused the pavements of being
+icy, and down he came--_kerchug!_ A "young lady" coming along,
+fidgetting and finiking, she made a very sudden and opposite _ricochet_,
+on seeing Gunter feeling the ground, and making abortive attempts to
+"riz." Gunter's gallantry was "up;" he knew his own weakness, and saw
+the difficulty with the "young lady;" so making a very determinate
+effort to get on his pins, Gunter elevated his head and then his voice,
+and says he: "My de-dea-dear ma'm, do-do-don't pu-pu-put yourself out of
+th-th-the way, on my account!" Tableaux--"young lady" quick-step, and
+Gunter playing all-fours in the _mud!_
+
+
+
+
+Quartering upon Friends.
+
+
+City-bred people have a pious horror of the country in winter, and no
+great regard for country visitors at any time, however much they may
+"let on" to the contrary.
+
+In rushing hot weather, when the bricks and mortar, the stagnated,
+oven-like air of the crowded city threatens to bake, parboil, or give
+the "citizens" the yellow fever, then we are very apt to think of plain
+Aunt Polly, rough-hewed Uncle John, and the bullet-headed, uncombed,
+smock-frocked cousins, nephews, and nieces, at their rural homes, amid
+the fragrant meadows and umbrageous woods; the cool, silver streams and
+murmuring brooks of the glorious country. Then, the poetic sunbeams and
+moonshine of fancy bring to the eye and heart all or a part of the
+glories and beauties, uses and purposes in which God has invested the
+ruraldom.
+
+Now, our country friends are mostly desirous, candidly so, to have their
+city friends come and see them--not merely pop visits, but bring your
+whole family, and stay a month! This they may do, and will do, and can
+afford it, as it is more convenient to one's pocket-book, on a farm, to
+_quarter_ a platoon of your friends than to perform the same operation
+in the city, where it is apt to give your purse the tick-dollar-owe in
+no time.
+
+It was not long since, during the prevalence of a hot summer, that Mrs.
+Triangle one morning said to her stewing husband, who was in no wise
+troubled with a surplus of the circulating medium--
+
+"Triangle, it's on-possible for us to keep the children well and quiet
+through this dreadful hot weather. We must go into the country. The
+Joneses and Pigwigginses and Macwackinses, and--and--everybody has gone
+out into the country, and we must go, too; why can't we?"
+
+"Why can't we?" mechanically echoed Triangle, who just then was deeply
+absorbed in a problem as to whether or not, considering the prices of
+coal, potatoes, house-rents, leather, and "dry goods," he would fetch up
+in prison or the poor-house first! It was a momentous question, and to
+his wife's proposal of a fresh detail of domestic expense, Triangle
+responded--
+
+"Why can't we?"
+
+"Yes, that's what I'd like to know--why can't _we_?"
+
+"We _can't_, Mrs. Triangle," decidedly answered her lord and master.
+
+Now Mrs. T., being but a woman, very naturally went on to give Mr. T. a
+Caudle lecture half an hour long, winding up with one of those
+time-honored perquisites of the female sex--a good cry.
+
+Poor Triangle put on his hat and marched down to his bake-oven of an
+"office," to plan business and smoke his cigar. Triangle came home to
+tea, and saw at a glance that something must be done. Mrs. Triangle was
+to be "compromised," or far hotter than even the hot, hot weather would
+be his domicile for the balance of the season. Triangle thought it over,
+as he nibbled his toast and sipped his hot Souchong.
+
+"My dear," said he, pushing aside his cup, and tilting himself upon the
+"hind legs" of his chair--"business is very dull, the weather is
+intolerable, I know you and the children would be much benefitted by a
+trip into the country--why can't we go?"
+
+"Why can't we?--that's what I'd like to know!" was the ready response of
+Mrs. T.
+
+"Well, we can go. My friend Jingo has as fine a place in the country as
+ever was, anywhere; he has asked me again and again to come down in the
+summer, and bring all the family. Now we'll go; Jingo will be delighted
+to see us; and we'll have a good, pleasant time, I'll warrant."
+
+Mrs. Triangle was delighted; soon all the clouds of her temper were
+dispersed, and like people "cut out for each other," Triangle and his
+wife sat and planned the details of the tour to Jingo Hill Farm.
+Frederic Antonio Gustavus was to be rigged out in new boots, hat, and
+breeches. Maria Evangeline Roxana Matilda was to be fitted out in Polka
+boots, gipsey bonnet, and Bloomer pantalettes, with an entire invoice of
+handkerchiefs, scarfs, ribbons, gloves, and hosiery for "mother," little
+Georgiana Victorine Rosa Adelaide, and _the baby_, Henry Rinaldo
+Mercutio. After three days' onslaught upon poor Triangle's pockets, with
+any quantity of "fuss and feathers," Mrs. Triangle pronounced the
+caravan ready to move. But just as all was ready, Bridget Durfy, the
+maid-of-all-work, who was to accompany them on the expedition as
+supervisor of the children, threw up her engagement.
+
+"Plaze the pigs," said Biddy; "it's mesilf as niver likes the counthry,
+at all; an' I'll jist be afther not goin', ma'm, wid yez!"
+
+Here was a go--or rather a "no go!" Triangle had bought tickets for all,
+and ordered the carriage at four; it was now three P. M., of a hot,
+roasting day. It would be "on-possible," as Mrs. T. said, to go without
+a girl; so poor, sweltering Triangle rushed down to the "Intelligence
+Office," where, from the sweating mass of female humanity awaiting a
+market for their time and labor, Triangle selected a stout, hearty Irish
+_blonde_, warranted perfect, capable, kind, honest, and the Lord only
+knows how many virtues the keeper of an "Intelligence Office" will not
+swear belong to one of their stock in trade.
+
+Away went Triangle, sweating and swearing; the Irish maiden, swinging a
+bundle in one hand and a flaring _bandanna_ in the other, following
+after her patron with a duck-waddle; and finally the carriage came; all
+got in but Triangle, who started on foot to the depot, carrying his
+double-barrelled gun and leading an ugly dog, which he rejoiced in
+believing was a full-blooded _setter_, though the best posted
+dog-fanciers assured him it was a cross between a tan-yard cur and a
+sheep-stealer! But, after a world of motion and commotion--on the part
+of Triangle, about the dog, tickets and baggage, and Mrs. Triangle,
+about the children, satchels, her new gown, and the sleepy Irish
+girl--they found themselves whisked over the rails, and after some three
+hours' carriage, they were dumped down in the vicinity of Jingo Hall,
+where they found the "private conveyance" of the proprietor of Jingo
+Hill Farm waiting to carry them, bandbox and bundle, rag-tag and
+bobtail, to Jingo Hall.
+
+The carriage being overfull, Triangle concluded to walk up, stretch his
+legs, try his dog and gun, and have a pop at the game. But, alas, for
+the villanous dog; no sooner had he got loose and scampered off up the
+road, than he sees a flock of sheep some distance across the fields, and
+away he pitched. The sheep ran, he after the sheep; and poor Triangle
+after his dog.
+
+"Hay! you Ponto--here--hay--Ponto-o-o! Hey, boy, come here, you dog--hi!
+hi!--do you hear-r-r?"
+
+But Ponto was off, and after a run of half a mile, he came up with a
+lamb, and before Triangle could come to the rescue, Ponto had opened the
+campaign by killing sheep! Triangle was so put out about it that in
+wrath he up with his gun and was about to terminate the existence of the
+dog, but compromised the matter by hitting him a whack across the back
+with the barrels of his shooting-iron; in doing so, he broke off the
+stock, clean as a whistle! It is useless to deny that Triangle _was_
+mad; that he swore equal to an Erie Canal boatman; and that his fury so
+alarmed the dog that he took to his heels and went--as Triangle
+hoped--anywhere, head foremost.
+
+[Illustration: "With a presence of mind truly unparalleled, she laid
+down 'baby' upon the grass, and made fight with 'the spiteful
+craturs.'"--_Page_ 169.]
+
+With a face as long as a boot-jack, quite tuckered out and disgusted
+with things as far as he had got, Triangle reached Jingo Hall, where he
+met the warm welcome of his friend, Major Jingo, and soon recuperated
+his good humor and physical activity by the contents of the Major's
+"well-stocked" _wine-cellar_. Ashamed of the facts of the case, Triangle
+trumped up a cock-and-bull story about the dog and gun.
+
+After a season, the Triangles got settled away, and the first day or two
+passed without anything extraordinary turning up, if we may except the
+upturning of several flower-pots and hen's nests by the children. But
+the third day opened ominously. Triangle's dog was found with one of the
+Major's dead lambs under convoy, and the Irish hostler had caught him,
+tied him up in the stable, and given him such a dressing that Ponto's
+soul-case was nearly beaten out of him!
+
+The next item was a yowl in the garden! Everybody rushed out--Mrs.
+Triangle in her excitement, lest something had happened to "baby," and
+Nora, the girl, struck the centre-table, upset the "Astral," and not
+only demolished that ancient piece of furniture, but spilled enough
+thick oil over the gilt-edged literature, table-cloth, and carpet, to
+make a barrel of soft soap.
+
+The Irish girl came bounding, screeching forth! She had been sauntering
+through the garden, and ran against the bee-hives, when a bee up and at
+her. With a presence of mind truly unparalleled, she laid down "baby"
+upon the grass, and made fight with "the spiteful craturs;" and of
+course she got her hands full, was beset by tens and hundreds, and was
+stung in as many places by the pugnacious "divils." Nora was done for.
+She went to bed; "baby" was found all right, laughing "fit to break its
+yitty hearty party, at naughty Nora Dory," as Mrs. Triangle very
+naturally expressed it.
+
+These two tableaux had hardly reached their climax, when in rushed
+Frederic Antonio Gustavus, with his capacious apron full of "birds he
+killed in the yard, down by the barns." Poor Jingo! and we may add, poor
+Mrs. Jingo! for a favorite brood of the finest fowls in the country had
+been exterminated by the chivalrous young Triangle, and in the bloom of
+his heroic act he dropped the dead game at the feet of his
+horror-stricken mother, and astonished father, and the Jingos.
+
+That night the effect of stuffing with green fruit to utter suffocation
+manifested itself in a general and alarming cholera-morbus among the
+junior Triangles, and the whole house was up in arms.
+
+In the midst of this, a fresh clamor broke out in Nora's chamber. A huge
+bat had got into her room, and so alarmed her, that she yelled worse,
+louder, and longer than seven evil ones.
+
+It was a night of horror to the whole family--to everybody in and about
+Jingo Hall. The dogs set up a howl; the children bawled, cried, and took
+on; the Irish girl screeched; gin and laudanum, peppermint and
+"lollypops," the de'il to pay and no pitch hot.
+
+Triangle felt relieved when daylight came, and had it not been Sunday,
+he would have packed up and put back for the prosy office and stagnated
+quietude of the city. But it was Sunday, and after the children, Irish
+girl, and dogs had been partially quieted, down the carriage came to the
+door, and as many as could get into it of the Jingos and Triangles,
+rolled off to meeting.
+
+Triangle and Jingo went to escape the din and noise of dressing "the
+babies," &c.; and after the service was over, poor Triangle was taken
+aside by a tall, bony man, who reported himself in no very ceremonious
+manner as the proprietor of a flock of sheep scared to death, and one
+rare lamb killed--"by your dog!" Triangle owned to the soft impeachment,
+and "compromised" for a V.
+
+Returned to Jingo Hall, another _coup d'etat_ all around the lot had
+broken out. Evangeline Roxana Matilda Triangle had disappeared. The
+baby, Georgiana Victorine Rosa Adelaide, had fallen from a swing in the
+grove and dislocated her wrist, and flattened her pretty nose quite to
+her pretty face. Baby was very ill, and from the groans issuing from
+Nora's attic, it was not _on-possible_ that she was sick as she could
+be. A general search took place for Evangeline Roxana Matilda, while
+Maj. Jingo mounted a horse and rode over to the village, to bring down a
+doctor for Georgiana Victorine Rosa Adelaide, "the baby," and--Nora
+Dougherty.
+
+A glance at the Irish girl convinced poor _tried_ Triangle that she was
+a case--of small-pox.
+
+Maj. Jingo returned, but without a medical adviser; the village
+Esculapius having gone off to the city. Things looked gloomy enough.
+Triangle felt "chawed up," and wished he had been roasted alive in the
+city before venturing upon such a trip. But he felt he had a duty to
+perform, and he determined to put it through.
+
+"Major, I'm very sorry, but the fact is"----
+
+"Never mind, never mind, my dear fellow--no trouble to us."
+
+"But," chokingly continued poor Triangle, "but, Major, the fact is,
+I--a--you've got a large family"----
+
+"Never mind, my dear boy; don't say any more about it."
+
+"But to have the--a--the--small-pox"----
+
+"What?" gasped the Major--"the--a"----
+
+"Small-pox!" seriously enough responded Triangle.
+
+"Small-pox! Who? Where?"
+
+"Our Irish girl--up stairs--awful!"
+
+"O, good Lord! Irish--up stairs--small-pox!" reiterated the really
+alarmed proprietor of Jingo Hall.
+
+"I wouldn't have"--said Triangle.
+
+"The small-pox in my house"--echoed Jingo.
+
+"For all the blessed countries in the world!" passionately exclaimed
+Triangle.
+
+"Heavens!" exclaimed the Major; "my wife has a greater dread of
+small-pox than yellow fever, or death itself!"
+
+"What's to be done?" said poor Triangle.
+
+"Remove the girl to an out-house, instantly!" said the Major, pacing up
+and down, in great _furore_.
+
+"That's best, Major; go move her, at once."
+
+"Me? Me move her, sir?" said Jingo.
+
+"Why who will, Major?" responded Triangle.
+
+"Who? Why, you, of course."
+
+"Me?" exclaimed Triangle--"me? endanger my life, and the lives of all my
+family--me? No, sir, I'll--I'll--I'll be hanged if I do!"
+
+"Blur a' nouns, zur!" bawled the Irish hostler, as he came trotting up
+to the front veranda, where Triangle and Jingo were discussing the
+transportation of small-pox--
+
+"Blur a' nouns--the dog's loose!"
+
+"Curse the dog!" said the Major.
+
+"But, zur, it's raving mad, he is!"
+
+"Mad! my dog?" cries Triangle.
+
+"A mad dog, too!" exclaims the Major, in horror.
+
+"O, too bad--horrible--wish I'd never seen"----
+
+"Get your gun, quick--come on!" cried the Major.
+
+"But, my dear Major, my gun's broke all to smash. O! that I had shot the
+blasted brute instead of breaking my gun!"
+
+"Come on--never mind--seize a club, fork, or anything, and hunt around
+for the cursed dog. He'll bite some of our people, horses, or cattle."
+And away ran the Major, with a bit of stick about the size of a
+fence-rail. Paddy made himself scarce, and Triangle, in agony, flew
+around to hunt up his daughter, whom they found asleep in a
+summer-house.
+
+Mrs. Major Jingo, when she heard that the Irish girl had introduced the
+small-pox on Jingo Hill, liked to have fainted away; but, conquering her
+weakness, she ordered the carriage, and bundled herself and four
+children into it, so full of terror and alarm that she never so much as
+said--"Take care of yourself, Mrs. Triangle!" Maj. Jingo returned, after
+a fruitless search for Triangle's mad dog, and just as he entered the
+hall, the Irish girl came rushing down stairs, crying--
+
+"O! murther, murther! I'm dead as a door-nail, entirely, wid dese pains
+in my face. Be gorra! O, murther!"
+
+One look at the swollen and truly frightful face of the girl put the
+Major to his _taps_; and stopping but a moment to tell Triangle to make
+out the best he could, he left.
+
+Next morning, bag and baggage, the Triangles _vamosed_. The poor girl
+having recovered from her attack of the bees, which had led to the alarm
+of small-pox, looked quite respectable. Never did a party enjoy _home_
+more completely than the Triangles after that. Triangle has a holy
+horror of trips to the country, and the Jingos are down on visitors from
+the city.
+
+
+
+
+Jake Hinkle's Failings.
+
+
+In the village of Washington, Fayette Co., Ohio, there was a transient
+sort of a personage, a kind of floating farmer, named Hinkle,--Jacob
+Hinkle,--commonly called _Old Jake Hinkle_. Jake was, originally, a
+Dutchman, a Pennsylvania, Lancaster County Dutchman; and that was about
+_as_ Dutch as Holland and Sour Krout could well make a human "critter."
+Well, Jake Hinkle owned, or had squatted on, a small patch of land, just
+beyond old Mother Rodger's "bottom," that is, about a mile east of the
+"Rattle Snake Fork" of Paint Creek, which, every thundering fool out
+West knows, empties itself into--"Big Paint," which finally rolls out
+into the Muskingum, and thence into the Ohio. Very well, having settled
+the geographical position of Jake Hinkle, let me go on to state what
+kind of a critter Jake was, and how it came about that he was pronounced
+dead, one cold morning, and how he came up to town and denied the
+assertion.
+
+Jake Hinkle loved corn, lived on it, as most people do in the interior
+of Ohio and Kentucky; he loved _corn_, but loved corn whiskey more, and
+this love, many a time, brought Jake up to "the Court House" of
+Washington, through rain, hail and snow, to get a nipper, fill his jug,
+and go home. Now, in the West it is a custom more honored in the breach
+than in the observance, perhaps, for grog shops of the village to play
+all sorts of fantastic tricks upon old codgers who come up to town, or
+down to town, hitch their horses to the fence, and there let the
+"critters" stand, from 10 A. M. to 12 P. M., more or less, and longer.
+The most popular dodge is, to shave the horse's tail, turn it loose,
+and let it go home. Of course, _that_ horse is not soon seen in the
+village again, as a horse with a shored tail is about the meanest thing
+to look at, except a singed possum, or a dandy--you ever did see.
+
+One very cold night, in January, '39, Jake Hinkle came down to the
+"Court House," hitched his horse to the Court Square fence, and made a
+straight bend for Sanders' "Grocery," and began to "wood up." Old Jake's
+tongue was a perfect bell-clapper, and when well oiled with corn juice,
+could rip into the high and low Dutch like a nor'easter into a field of
+broom corn. Jake talked and talked, and drank and talked, and about
+midnight, the cocks crowing, the stars winking and blinking, and the
+wind nipping and whistling around the grocery, Sanders notified Jake and
+others that he was going to shut up the concern, and the crowd must be
+"putting out." Jake made a break for his nag, but she was gone. "Why,"
+says Jake, "she's broke der pridle and gone home, and by skure I shall
+walk,"--and off Jake put, through the cold and mud.
+
+Next morning, when the Circleville stage came along between old Marm
+Rodger's "bottom," and the Rattle Snake Fork of Paint, the driver
+discovered poor old Jake laid out, stiff and cold as a wedge! Alas, poor
+old Jake! Gone! Quite a gloom hung over the "grocery;" Jake was an
+inoffensive, good old fellow, nobody denied that, and certain young
+"fellers" who had shaved the tail of Jake's mare the night previous, and
+set her loose, now felt sort of sorry for the deed. The editor of the
+"Argus of Freedom" came down to the "grocery," to get his morning "nip,"
+heard the news, went back to his office, "set up" Jake's obituary
+notice, pitched in a few sorrowful phrases, and then put his paper to
+press; that afternoon, the whole edition, of some two hundred copies,
+were distributed around among the subscribers and "dead heads," and Jake
+Hinkle was pronounced stone dead--_pegged out!_
+
+Two or three days afterwards, a man covered with mud and sweat, came
+rushing into Washington. He paused not, nor turned not right or left,
+until he found the office of the "Argus of Freedom," where he rushed in,
+and confronting the editor, he spluttered forth:--
+
+"You der printer of dish paper,--der noosh paper?"
+
+"Yes," says the 'responsible,' "I am the man," looking a little wild.
+
+"Vell, bine de great Jehosaphat, what for you'n make me deat?"
+
+"Me? Make you dead?" says the no little astonished editor.
+
+"Yaas!" bawled old Jake, for it was he--"You'n tell de people I diet;
+_it's a lie!_ And do you neber do it again, and fool de peeples, _witout
+you git a written order from me!_"
+
+That editor, ever afterwards, insisted on seeing the funeral before he
+recorded an obituary notice.
+
+
+
+
+What's Going to Happen.
+
+
+In fifty years the steam engine will be as old a notion, and as queer an
+invention, as the press Ben. Franklin worked is now. In fifty years,
+copper-plate, steel-plate, lithography, and other fine engravings, will
+be multiplied for a mere song, in a beautiful manner, by the now
+infantile art of _Daguerreotyping_. A passage to California will then be
+accomplished in twenty-four hours, by air carriages and electricity; or,
+perhaps, they'll go in buckets down Artesian holes, _clean through the
+earth!_ The arts of agriculture and horticulture will produce hams ready
+roasted, natural pies, baked with all sorts of _cookies_. About that
+time, a man may live forever at a cent a day, and sell for all he's
+worth at last--for soap fat!
+
+
+
+
+The Washerwoman's Windfall.
+
+
+Some years ago, there lived, dragged and toiled, in one of our "Middle
+States," or Southern cities, and old lady, named Landon, the widow of a
+lost sea captain; and as a dernier resort, occurring in many such cases,
+with a family of children to provide for,--the father and husband cut
+off from life and usefulness, leaving his family but a stone's cast from
+indigence,--the mother, to keep grim poverty from famishing her hearth
+and desolating her home, took in gentlemen's washing. Her eldest child,
+a boy of some twelve years old, was in the habit of visiting the largest
+hotels in the city, where he received the finer pieces of the gentlemen's
+apparel, and carried them to his mother. They were done up, and returned
+by the lad again.
+
+It was in mid-winter, cold and dreary season for the poor--travel was
+slack, and few and far between were the poor widow's receipts from her
+drudgery.
+
+"To-morrow," said the widow, as she sat musing by her small fire,
+"to-morrow is Saturday; I have not a stick of wood, pound of meal, nor
+dollar in the world, to provide food or warmth for my children over
+Sunday."
+
+"But, mother," responded her 'main prop,' George, the eldest boy, "that
+gentleman who gave me the half dollar for going to the bank for him,
+last week,--you know him we washed for at the United States Hotel,--said
+he was to be here again to-morrow. I was to call for his clothes; so I
+will go, mother, to-morrow; maybe he will have another errand for me, or
+some money--he's got so much money in his trunk!"
+
+"So, indeed, you said, good child; it's well you thought of it," said
+the poor woman.
+
+Next day the lad called at the hotel, and sure enough, the strange
+gentleman had arrived again. He appeared somewhat bothered, but quickly
+gathering up some of his soiled clothes, gave them to the lad, and bade
+him tell his mother to wash and return them that evening by all means.
+
+"Alas! that I cannot do," said the widow, as her son delivered the
+message. "My dear child, I have neither fire to dry them, nor money to
+procure the necessary fuel."
+
+"Shall I take the clothes back again, mother, and tell the gentleman you
+can't dry them in time for him?"
+
+"No, son. I must wash and dry them--we must have money to-day, or we'll
+freeze and starve--I must wash and dry these clothes," said the
+disconsolate widow, as she immediately went about the performance, while
+her son started to a neighboring coopering establishment, to get a
+basket of chips and shavings to make fire sufficient to dry and iron the
+clothes.
+
+The clothes were duly tumbled into a great tub of water, and the poor
+woman began her manipulations. After a time, in handling a vest, the
+widow felt a knot of something in the breast pocket. She turned the
+pocket, and out fell a little mass of almost pulpy paper. She carefully
+unrolled the saturated bunch--she started--stared; the color from her
+wan cheeks went and came! Her two little children, observing the wild
+looks and strange actions of the mother, ran to her, screaming:
+
+"Dear--dear mother! Mother, what's the matter?"
+
+"Hush-h-h!" said she; "run, dear children--lock the door--lock the door!
+no, no, never mind. I a--I a--feel--dizzy!"
+
+The alarmed children clung about the mother's knees in great affright,
+but the widow, regaining her composure, told them to sit down and play
+with their little toys, and not mind her. The cause of this sudden
+emotion was the unrolling of five five hundred dollar bills. They were
+very wet--nearly "used up," in fact--but still significant of vast,
+astounding import to the poor and friendless woman. She was
+amazed--honor and poverty were struggling in her breast. Her poverty
+cried out, "You are made up--rich--wash no more--fly!" But then the poor
+woman's honor, more powerful than the tempting wealth in her
+hands--triumphed! She laid the wet notes in a book, and again set about
+her washing.
+
+About this time, quite a different scene was being enacted at the hotel.
+The gentleman so anxious that his clothes should be returned that
+evening, was no other than a famous counterfeiter and forger; and it
+happened, that the day previous, in a neighboring city, he had committed
+a forgery, drawn some four or five thousand dollars, had the greater
+part of the notes exchanged--and, with the exception of the five large
+bills hurriedly thrust into the vest pocket, and which he had sent to
+the poor laundress, there was little available evidence of the forgery
+in his possession. The widow's son had scarcely left the traveller's
+room with the clothes, when in came two policemen. The forger was not
+arrested as a principal, but certain barely suspicious circumstances had
+led to an investigation of him and his effects.
+
+"You are our prisoner, sir!" said one of the policemen, as a servant
+opened the door to let them in.
+
+"Me! What for?" was the quick response of the forger.
+
+"That you will learn in due season; at present we wish to examine your
+person and effects."
+
+The forger started--his heart beat with the rapidity of galvanic
+pulsation--the evidence of part of his villany was, as he supposed,
+among his effects. It was a moment of terror to him, but it passed like
+a flash, and in a gay and careless tone, he quickly replied:
+
+"O, very well, gentlemen--go ahead. There are my keys and
+baggage--search, and look around. I have no idea what you are
+after--probably you'll find." In a low tone, he continued, to himself,
+"By heavens, how lucky! that boy has saved me!"
+
+A considerable amount of money was found upon the forger, but none that
+could be identified, and after a long and wearisome private examination
+at the police court, he was discharged. He returned to the hotel, and
+shortly afterwards the lad made his appearance with the clothes,
+presenting him with a small roll of damp paper, saying:
+
+"Here, sir, is something mother found in one of your pockets. She thinks
+it may be valuable to you, sir, and she is sorry it was wet."
+
+The forger started, as though the little roll of wet money had been a
+serpent the lad was holding towards him.
+
+"No, no, my little man; return it to your mother; tell her to dry it
+carefully, and that I will call and see her to-night, when she can
+return the little parcel."
+
+George stood, his cap in one hand, and the other upon the door-knob; the
+man was much agitated, and perceiving the lad lingered, he thrust his
+hand into a carpet-bag, and hauling forth an old-fashioned wallet, he
+opened it, and taking thence a coin, put it in the hands of the lad and
+requested him to run home to his mother and deliver the message
+immediately. The lad did as he was ordered; and the poor washerwoman,
+the while, sat in her humble and ill-provided home, patiently awaiting
+the return of her boy, and fearing the anger of the gentleman at the
+hotel, when he should find his bank notes nearly, if not quite
+destroyed, would probably so indispose him towards the child that he
+would return empty-handed. But no; as the quick tread of the blithesome
+lad smote upon the widow's ear, she rushed to the door to receive him.
+
+"Dear son, was the gentleman very angry?"
+
+"Angry, dear mother? No! he was far from angry. He said you must dry
+these papers, and he would call to-night for them. And here, dear
+mother, he gave me a large piece of beautiful yellow money!" And the
+dutiful boy placed a golden doubloon in the trembling hand of the
+overjoyed mother. They were saved--the golden coin soon made the widow's
+domicil cheerful and happy.
+
+It is almost needless to say, the five notes were not called for. They
+laid in the widow's bureau drawer two entire years, when a friend to the
+poor woman negotiated for their exchange into a dwelling-house and small
+store. And to this little incident does a certain elderly lady and her
+family owe their present prosperous and perfectly honorable position in
+the respectable society of the city of ----.
+
+
+
+
+We don't Wonder at It.
+
+
+In the city, we get so many new _kicks_, and put on so many new ways of
+living and doing up things, that no wonder the quiet and matter-of-fact
+country folks make awkward mistakes, and get mixed up with our
+conventionalities, and other doings. Dining at the American, last week,
+we sat _vis-a-vis_ with an old-fashioned agricultural gent, whose plate
+of mock turtle remained cooling for some time, while he was busy
+thinking over a silver four-pronged fork in his hand. At length a broad
+smile played over his manly features, as the novel-makers say, and he
+opened--
+
+"Well, I'm jiggered!--ha! ha! _they've got to eating soup with split
+spoons, too!_"
+
+
+
+
+Old Maguire and his Horse Bonny Doon.
+
+
+Few animals possess the sagacity of the horse; passive and obedient,
+they are easily trained; bring them up the way you want them to go, and
+they'll go it! The horse in his old age does not forget the precepts of
+his youth. A very touching anecdote is told of a horse, in the cavalry
+service of the British army, during Napoleon's time. After the battle of
+Waterloo, when the combined force of Europe, through chicanery--not
+valor--defeated the greatest soldier the world ever saw, the British
+army was cut down, rank and file--Napoleon having promised to "be a good
+boy," and let 'em alone in future. Among the _cut offs_, was a troop of
+horse, and in this troop was an old veteran Bucephalus, who had stood
+and made charges, smelt fire and brimstone, faced phalanxes of bayonets,
+and clashed rough-shod over many bloody fields, besides Waterloo,--this
+old fellow was turned out to grass--cashiered. When the balance of his
+retained companions in saddle were leaving the town where the
+dismemberment had taken place, the old war horse was quietly grazing in
+a field; the troop passed--the bugler "sounded his horn," and in less
+than forty winks the old old horse was up, off, over fences, and in the
+front ranks! The tenacity with which he clung to his place in the column
+caused--says the historian--the officers and men to shed tears.
+
+So much by way of a prelude. Now for old Maguire and his horse. Some
+years ago, in the interior of Ohio, there did live an old Irish
+jintleman, who not only had a fine estate, but likewise a saw-mill, and
+as fine an old black mare as ever the rays of a noonday's sun lit down
+upon. "Bonny Doon," Maguire's old mare, was a wonderful "critter;" she
+opened gates, let down bars, seized the pump handle by her teeth, and
+actually extracted water from the barn-yard well, with all the facility
+of a regular double-fisted _genus homo_. As a sly old joker, she had
+performed various tricks, such as nipping off the tails of sucking
+calves, catching chickens in her manger, and making various pieces of
+them, and kicking in the ribs of strange dogs and horned cattle. But to
+the eccentric habits and bacchanalian customs of her ex-military master,
+the old mare's dormant talents owed their "fetching out."
+
+Old "Captain Maguire" had served with credit to himself and honor to the
+State, in her early struggles against the Indians and French Canadians.
+"Bonny Doon" was then in her "fille"-hood, and probably the most
+beautiful, as well as the most saucy jade, in the frontier army. Some
+twenty-five years had passed, and still the old captain and the mare
+were about, every-day cronies, for the old man no more thought of
+walking fifty rods, premeditatedly, than a South Carolina dandy would
+dream of the possibility of getting a glass of water without the
+immediate assistance of a son of Ethiopia! The old man had become
+possessed of wealth as well as years--was likewise the progenitor of a
+large and flourishing family, of the finest looking men and women in the
+State, and having gotten all things in this pleasant kind of train, he
+"laid off" in perfect lavender. The old captain's farm was about four
+miles from the large and flourishing town of Z----, and here the captain
+spent most of his time. Riding in on "Bonny Doon," in the morning, and
+hitching her to the sign-post, the poor beast would stand there--unless
+taken in by the ostler or others--until midnight, while the captain
+swigged whiskey, and smoked his pipe in the tavern. Yet "Bonny Doon's"
+affection for her old master did not flag; she waited patiently until he
+came--her mane and long tail would then switch about, while she'd
+"snigger eout" with gladness at his coming, and carry the old man
+through rain or snow, moonshine, or total darkness, over corduroy
+railroads, bridges, ravines, and last, though by no means least, over
+the narrow plank-way of Captain Maguire's saw-mill dam, while the waters
+on each side foamed and roared like a mountain torrent, and while the
+old man was either asleep or his hat so full of "bricks," that he was
+about as difficult to balance in the saddle as a sack of potatoes or
+Turk's Island salt! A better citizen, when sober, never paid taxes or
+trod sole leather in that State, than old Captain Maguire; but when he
+was "up the tree," a little sprung, or _tight_, as you may say, he was
+ugly enough, and chock full of wolf and brimstone! One day the captain
+was summoned to attend court, and testify in a case wherein his evidence
+was to give a lift to the suit of a neighbor, for whom the old man
+entertained a most lively disgust and very unchristianly hate. The old
+man, finding that he must go, went. He wet his whistle several times
+before starting, repeated the dose several times before he reached the
+Court House, and about the time he supposed he was wanted, he mounted
+"Bonny Doon," and started, full chisel, up the steps, through the entry,
+and into the crowded Court room, just in the nick of time.
+
+"Robert Maguire! Robert Maguire! Robert----"
+
+"Be the help o' Moses, _I'm here!_" roared the captain, in response to
+the crier.
+
+And sure enough, he wasn't anywhere else! There he sat, stiff, and
+formal as a bronze statue of some renowned military chieftain, on a
+pot-metal war steed. Some laughed, others stepped out of the way of the
+mare's heels, judge and jury "riz," some of the oldest sinners in law
+practice looked quite "skeery," doubtless taking the old captain and his
+black charger for quite a different individual! It was some time before
+order and decorum were restored, as it was much easier for the judge to
+_order_ Captain Maguire to be arrested for his freak, than to do it,
+"Bonny Doon" not being disposed to let any man approach her head or
+heels. They shut the captain up, finally, for contempt of court, and
+fined him twenty dollars, but he escaped the disagreeable attitude of
+sustaining the suit of an enemy. At another time, the captain, being on
+a _time_, dashed into a meeting-house, running in at one door, and slap
+bang out at the other! This feat of Camanche horsemanship rather alarmed
+the whole congregation, and cost the captain five twenties! Riding into
+bar rooms and stores was a common performance of "Bonny Doon" and her
+master; and he had even gone so far as to run the mare up two entire
+flights of stairs of the principal hotel, dashing into a room where "a
+native" was shivering in bed with the fever and ague; but the noise and
+sudden appearance of a man and horse in such high latitudes effected a
+permanent and speedy cure; the fright like to have destroyed the
+sufferer's crop of hair, but the "a-gy" was skeered clean out of his
+emaciated body.
+
+After a variety of adventures by flood and field, of hair-breadth
+'scapes, and eccentricities of man and beast, they parted! "Bonny Doon"
+being about the only living spectator of her master's end. This tragic
+denouement came about one cold, stormy and snowy night, when few men,
+and as few beasts, would willingly or without pressing occasion, expose
+themselves to the pitiless storm. The old captain had been in town all
+day, with "Bonny Doon" hitched to the horse block, and being full of
+"distempering draughts," as Shakspeare modestly terms it, and malicious
+bravery in the midst of the great storm, late in the evening he mounted
+his half-starved and as near frozen mare, to go home.
+
+"Better stay all night, captain," coaxed some friend.
+
+"Hills are icy, and hollows filled with snow," suggested the landlord.
+
+"I wouldn't ride out to your place to-night, captain, for a seat in
+Congress!" rejoined the first speaker.
+
+"Ye wouldn't?" replied the captain. "And--and no wonder ye wouldn't, fer
+not a divil iv ye's iver had the horse as could carry ye's over me road
+th' night. Look at that! There's the baste can do it!--d'ye see that?"
+and as the old man, reeling in the saddle, jammed the rowels of his
+heavy spurs into the flanks of the mare, she nearly stood erect, and
+chafed her bits as fiery and mettled as though just from her oats and
+warm stable, and fifteen years kicked off.
+
+"Boys," bawled the captain, "here's the ould mare that can thravel up a
+frozen mountain, slide down a greased rainbow, and carry ould Captain
+Maguire where the very ould divil himsilf couldn't vinture his dirty
+ould body. Hoo-o-oo-oop! I'm gone, boys!"
+
+And he was off, gone, too; for the old man never reached the threshold
+of his domicil.--Next morning Captain Maguire was found in the mill-dam,
+entirely dead, with poor "Bonny Doon," nearly frozen, and scarcely able
+to walk or move, standing near him. But there she stood, upon the narrow
+icy way over the dam, and from appearances of the snow and planks of the
+little bridge, the faithful mare had pawed, scraped, and endeavored by
+various means to rescue her master. The manner of the catastrophe was
+evident; the old man had become sleepy, and frozen, and while the poor
+mare was feeling her way over the icy and snow-covered bridge, her
+master had slipped off into the frozen dam, and no doubt she would have
+dragged him out, could she have reached him. As it was, she stood a
+faithful sentinel over her lost master, and did not survive him
+long,--the cold and her evident sorrow ended the eventful life of "Bonny
+Doon."
+
+
+
+
+Getting into the "Right Pew."
+
+
+New Year's day is some considerable "pumpkins" in many parts of the
+United States. In the Western States, they have horse-racing,
+shooting-matches, quilting-frolics and grand hunting parties. In the
+South, the week beginning with Christmas and ending with New Year's day,
+is devoted to the largest liberty by the negroes, who have one grand and
+extensive _saturnalia_, visit their friends and relations, make love to
+the "gals" on neighboring plantations, spend the little change saved
+through the year, or now and then given to them by indulgent or generous
+masters, and in fact have a glorious good time! The holidays in New
+Orleans, and in Louisiana generally, is _a time_, and no mistake. The
+old French and Spanish families keep open house--dinners and suppers,
+music, song and dance. On New Year's eve, they decorate the graves of
+their friends with flowers. Lamps or lanterns are often required for
+this purpose, and as you pass the silent grave-yards, it is indeed a
+novel sight to see the many glimmering lights about the tombs of the
+departed. In most of the South-Western towns, the day is given up to fun
+and frolic. The Philadelphians have a great blow out. The streets are
+filled by holiday-looking people, children with toys and "mint
+sticks"--making the air resound with tin trumpets and penny whistles.
+The men and boys used to load up every thing in the shape of cannons,
+guns, pistols and hollow keys, and bang away from sunset until sunrise,
+keeping up a racket, din and uproar, equal to the bombardment of a
+citadel. The authorities stopped that, and now the civil young men kill
+the night and day in dancing, feasting, and attending the amusements,
+the multitude of rowdies passing their time in concocting and carrying
+on street fights and running with the engines.
+
+But the New Yorkers _bang_ the whole of them; bear witness, O ye New
+Year's doings I have there seen. Visiting your friends, and your
+friends' friends. Open houses every where! "Drop in and take a glass of
+wine or bit of cake, if nothing else"--that's the word. Jeremy Diddlers
+flourish, marriageable daughters and interesting widows set their caps
+for the nice young men, the streets are noisy and full of confusion, the
+theatres and show-shops generally reap an elegant harvest, and the
+police reports of the second morning of the New Year swell monstrously!
+Of a New Year's adventure of an innocent young acquaintance of mine, I
+have a little story to tell.
+
+Jeff. Jones was caught, at a New Year's dinner in New York, by the
+fascinating grace and _cap_-tivating head-gear of a certain young widow,
+who had a fine estate. Jeff. was what you might call a good boy; he had
+never seen much of creation, save that lying between Pokeepsie (his
+birth-place) and the Battery, Castle Garden and Bloomingdale. He was a
+clever fellow, fond of rational fun and amusement, kept "a set of books"
+for a mercantile firm in Maiden Lane, dressed well, kept good hours, and
+in all general respects, was--a nice young man. He went with a friend on
+a tour--New Year's day, to make calls. After a number of glasses and
+chunks of cake, feeling altogether beautiful, he found himself in the
+presence of a charming widow, and some two months afterwards, himself
+and the widow, a parson and a brace of male and female friends, Jeff.
+Jones, aged 28, took a partner for life, ergo he hung up his hat in the
+snug domicil of the flourishing widow, who became Mrs. Jeff. Jones,
+thereafter.
+
+Poor Jeff., he found out that there was some truth in the venerable
+saying--all is not gold that glitters. The charming widow was seriously
+inclined to wear the inexpressibles; and poor Jeff., being of such a
+gentlemanly, good and easy disposition, scarcely made a struggle for his
+reserved rights. However, things, under such a state of affairs, grew no
+better fast, and as Jeff. Jones had neglected to go around and see the
+elephant before marriage, he came to the conclusion to see what was
+going on after that interesting ceremony. In short, Jeff. got to going
+out of nights--kept "bad hours," got blowed up in gentle strains at
+first, but which were promised to be enlarged if Mr. Jones did not mind
+his Ps. and Qs.
+
+The third anniversary of Jeff. Jones's annexation to the widow was
+coming around. It was New Year's day in the morn; it brought rather
+sober reflections into Jeff.'s mind, on the head of which he thought
+he'd as soon as not--_get tight!_ This notion was pleasing, and dressing
+himself in his best clothes, Jones informed Mrs. J. that he wished to
+call on a few old friends, and would be home to dine and bring some
+friends with him!
+
+"See that you do, then," said Mrs. J., "see that you do, that's all!"
+and she gave Mr. J. "a look" not at all like Miss Juliet's to Mr.
+Romeo--she _spoke_, and she said something.
+
+However, Jones cleared himself; dinner hour arrived, if Jeff. Jones did
+not; Mrs. Jones smiled and chatted, and did the honors of the table with
+rare good grace, but where was Jones?
+
+"He'll be poking in just as dinner is over, and the puddings cold, and
+company preparing to leave; then he'll catch a lecturing."
+
+But don't fret your pretty self, Mrs. Jones--for dinner passed and
+tea-time came, but no Jones. Mrs. Jones began to get snappish, and by
+ten o'clock she had bitten all the ends from her taper fingers, besides
+dreadfully scolding the servants, all around. Mrs. J. finally
+retired--the clock had struck 12, and no Jones was to be seen; Mrs. J.
+was worried out; she could not sleep a blessed wink. She got up again,
+Jones might have met with some dreadful accident! She had not thought of
+that before! Perhaps at that very hour he was in the bottom of the
+Hudson, or in the deep cells of the Tombs! It was awful! Mrs. Jones
+dressed--the house was as still as a church-yard--she put on an old
+hood, and shawl to match, and noiselessly she crept down stairs; and by
+a passage out through the back area into a rear street. Mrs. Jones at the
+dead hour of night determined to seek some information of her husband.
+She had not gotten over a block, or block and a half from her mansion,
+when she spies two men coming along--wing and wing, merry as grigs,
+reeling to and fro, and singing in stentorian notes:
+
+    "A man that is (hic) married (hic) has lost every hope--
+    He's (hic) like a poor (hic) pig with his foot in a rope!
+                        _O-o-o! dear! O-o-o! dear--cracky!_
+    A man that is (hic) married has so (hic) many ills--
+    He's like a (hic) poor fish with a (hic) hook in his gills!
+                        _O-o-o-o! dear! O-o-o-o! dear--cracky!"_
+
+In terror of these roaring bacchanalians, who were slowly approaching
+her, Mrs. Jones stood close in the doorway of a store; the revellers
+parted at the corner of the street, after many asseverations of eternal
+friendship, much noise and twattle. One of the carousers came lumbering
+towards Mrs. J., and she, in some alarm, left her hiding place and
+darted past the midnight brawler; and to her horror, the fellow made
+tracks after her as fast as a drunken man could travel, and that ain't
+slow; for almost any man inside of sixty can run, like blazes, when he
+is scarce able to stand upon his pins because of the quantity of bricks
+in his beaver. Mrs. Jones ran towards her dwelling, but before she could
+reach it, the ruffian at her heels clasped her! Just as she was about to
+give an awful scream, wake up all the neighbors and police ten miles
+around, she saw--_Jones!_ Jeff. Jones, her recreant husband!
+
+It was a moment of awful import--the widow was equal to the crisis,
+however, and governed herself accordingly; proving the truth of some
+dead and gone philosopher who has left it in black and white, that the
+widows are always more than a _match_ for any man in Christendom!
+
+Jones was loving drunk, a stage that terminates and is a near kin to
+total oblivion, in bacchanalian revels. Jones had not the remotest idea
+of where he was--time or persons; his tongue was thick, eyes dull, ideas
+monstrous foggy, and the few sentences he rather unintelligibly uttered,
+were highly spiced with--"my little (hic) angel, you (hic), you (hic)
+live 'bout (hic) here? Can't you ta-take me (hic) home with you, eh?
+My-my old woman (hic) would raise-rai-raise old scratch if I (hic), I
+went home to-to-night. (Hic) I'll, I'll go home (hic) in the morning,
+and (hic) tell her, ha! ha! he! (hic) tell her I've be-be-been to a
+fire!"
+
+"O, the villain," said Mrs. J. to herself; "but I'll be revenged. Come,
+sir, go home with me--I'll take care of you. Come, sir, be careful; this
+way--in here."
+
+"Where the (hic) deuce are--are you going down this (hic) cellar, eh?"
+
+"All right, sir. Come, be careful! don't fall; rest on my arm--there,
+shut the door."
+
+"Why (hic), ha-hang it a--all; get a light--that's a de--ar!"
+
+"Yes, yes; wait a moment, I'll bring you a light."
+
+Mrs. J. having gotten her game bagged, left it in the dark, and retired
+to her bed-chamber. Some of the servants, hearing a noise in the
+basement, got up, stuck their noses out of their rooms, and being
+convinced that a desperate scoundrel was in the house, raised the very
+old boy. Poor Jones, in his efforts to get out, run over pots, pans, and
+chairs, and through him and the servants, the police were alarmed!
+lights were raised, and Jones was arrested for a burglar!
+
+Never was a man better pleased to find himself in his own domicil, than
+Jones! It was all Greek to the watchmen and servants; it was a
+mysterious matter to Jones for a full fortnight--but upon promise of
+ever after spending his new year's at home, Mrs. J. let the cat out of
+the bag. Jones surrendered!
+
+
+
+
+A Circuitous Route.
+
+
+We know several folks who have a way of beating round and boxing the
+compass, from A to Z, and back again, that fairly knocks us into
+smithereens. One of these characters came to us the other day, and in a
+most mysterious manner, with the utmost earnestness, solemnity, and
+_hocus pocus_, says he--
+
+"Cap'n, (winking,) I wanted to see you--(two winks;) the fact of the
+business is, (wink, nod, and double wink,) I've wanted to see you,
+badly; you see, I-a--well, what I-a (two winks)--was about to remark
+(two nods and a short cough),--that is to say, it don't make much
+matter, if-a--(wink, wink, wink;) you see it was in this way,
+I-a--wanted to--a, to tell you that (dreadful lot of winks) I've
+been--not, to be sure, that it's an uncommon-a thing, (nod, cough, and
+forty winks,) but no doubt if I-a--the fact is--"
+
+"Well, what in thunder and rosin is _the fact_, old boy?" says we.
+
+"The fact is, cap'n, I'd a told you at once, but-a--I don't know why
+I--shouldn't tho', (wink on wink,) _have you got two shillings you won't
+want to use to-day_?"
+
+We hadn't!
+
+
+
+
+Major Blink's First Season at Saratoga.
+
+
+"Ha, ha!" said Uncle Joe Blinks, as the subject of summer travel, a
+jaunt somewhere, was being discussed among the regular boarders in Mrs.
+Bamberry's spacious old-fashioned parlors; "Ha! ha! ha! ladies, did Mrs.
+Bamberry ever tell you of _my_ tour to Saratogy Springs?--last summer
+was two years."
+
+"No," said several of us _neuter genders_ who had repeatedly heard all
+about it, but were desirous that those who had not been thus gratified,
+especially the ladies, and particularly a Miss Scarlatina, who was
+_dieting_ for a tour to the famed Springs--"tell us all about it,
+Major."
+
+"Then," said the Major, with his favorite exclamation, "then, by the
+banks of Brandywine, if I don't tell you. You see, last summer was two
+years, I came to the conclusion, that I'd stop off business, altogether,
+brush up a little, and go forth a mite more in the world, and I went. A
+friend of mine, a married man, was going up north to Saratogy, with his
+wife and sister--a plaguy nice young woman, the sister was, too; well, I
+don't know how it was, exactly, but somehow or other, it came into my
+head, especially as my friend Padlock had asked me if I wouldn't like to
+go up to Saratogy--that I'd go, and I went. It was odd enough, to be
+sure," said Uncle Joe, taking a pinch of rappee from his tortoise-shell
+box--"very odd, in fact, but somehow or other, Mrs. Padlock, being in
+poor health, and her sister, a rather volatile and inexperienced young
+woman, you may say--"
+
+"So that you had to _beau_ her along the way, Uncle Joe?" says several
+of the company.
+
+"Well, yes; it was very odd, I don't know how it was, but somehow or
+other, I-a--I-a--"
+
+"Out with it, Uncle Joe--own up; you cottoned to the young lady, gallant
+as possible, eh?" says the gents.
+
+"Ha! ha! it's a very delicate thing, very delicate, I assure you,
+gentlemen, for an old bachelor to be on the slightest terms of intimacy
+with a young--"
+
+"And beautiful!" echoed the company.
+
+"Unexperienced," continued the Major.
+
+"And unprotected," says the chorus.
+
+"Volatile," added the Major.
+
+"And marriageable young lady, like Miss--"
+
+"Miss Catchem," said the Major.
+
+"Catchem!" cried the gents.
+
+"Catchem, that was her name; she was the daughter of a very respectable
+widow," continued the Major.
+
+"A widow's daughter, eh?" said they all, now much interested in Uncle
+Joe's journey to Saratoga, and--but we won't anticipate.
+
+"Of a very respectable widow, whose husband, I believe, was a--but no
+matter, they were of good family, and a--"
+
+"Yes, yes, Uncle Joe," said the ladies, "no doubt of that; go on with
+your story; you paid attention to Miss Catchem; you grew familiar--you
+became mutually pleased with each other, and you finally--well, tell us
+how it all came out, Uncle Joe, do!" they cried.
+
+"Bless me, ladies! You've quite got ahead of my story--altogether! Miss
+Catchem and I never spoke a word to each other in our lives," said the
+Major.
+
+"Why, Uncle Joe!" cried the whole party.
+
+"By banks of Brandywine, it's a fact."
+
+"Well, we never!" cried all the ladies.
+
+"Well, ladies, I don't suppose you ever did," Uncle Joe responds. "The
+fact is, Mrs. Padlock died suddenly the week Padlock spoke to me of
+going to Saratogy, and he married her sister, Miss Catchem, in course of
+a few weeks after, himself! I don't know how it was, but somehow or
+other, I thought it was all for the best; things might have turned out
+that I should have got tangled up with that girl, and a--"
+
+"Been a married man, now, instead of a bachelor, Uncle Joe!" said the
+young ladies.
+
+"It's odd; I don't know how it was, ladies; it might have been so, but
+it turned out just as I have stated."
+
+"Well, well, Major," said an elderly person of the group; "go on; how
+about Saratoga?"
+
+"I will," says Uncle Joe, again resorting to his rappee, "I will. You
+see Padlock didn't _go_, it was very odd; but somehow or other, I made
+up my mind to _go_, and I went. I calculated to be gone three or four
+weeks, and I concluded for once, at least, to loosen the strings of my
+purse, if I never did again; so I laid out to expend three dollars or
+so, each day, say eighty dollars for the trip; a good round sum, I
+assure you, to fritter away; but, by banks of Brandywine, I was
+determined to _do_ it, and I did. It was very odd, but the first person
+I met at New York was an old friend, a schoolmate of mine. I was glad to
+see him, and sorry enough to learn that he had failed in business--had a
+large family--poor--in distress. It was very odd, but somehow or other,
+we dined at the hotel together--had a bottle of Madeira, and I a--well,
+I loaned--yes, by banks of Brandywine, I gave the poor fellow a twenty
+dollar bill, shook hands and parted; yes, poor Billy Merrifellow, we
+never met again; he--he died soon after, in distress, his family broke
+up--scattered; it was very odd; poor fellow, he's gone;" and Uncle Joe
+again had recourse to his rappee, while a large tear hung in the corner
+of his full blue eye. Closing his box, and wiping his face with his
+_pongee_, the Major continued:
+
+"Next morning I called for my bill. I was astonished to find that a
+couple of bottles of good wine, two extra meals, and something over one
+day's board, figured up the round sum of ten dollars. I was three days
+out, so far, and my pocket-book was lessened of half the funds intended
+for a month's expenses! By banks of Brandywine, thinks Major, my boy,
+this won't do; you must economize, or you shall be short of your
+reckonings before you are a week out of port. That morning at the
+steam-boat wharf I meets a young man very genteelly dressed; he looked
+in deep distress about something. It was very odd, I don't know how it
+was, but somehow or other, he came up to me and asked if I was going up
+the river, and I very civilly told him I was; then, he up and tells me
+he was a stranger in the city, had lost all his money by gambling, was
+in great distress--had nothing but a valuable watch--a present from his
+deceased father, a Virginia planter, and a great deal more. He begged me
+to buy the watch, when I refused at first, but finally he so importuned
+me, and offered the watch at a rate so apparently below its real value
+that I up and gave him forty dollars for it, thinking I might in part,
+indemnify my previous extravagance by this little bit of a trade. It was
+very odd; I don't know how it was, but somehow or other, upon my arrival
+at Saratogy, I found that watch wasn't worth the powder that would blow
+it up! I was imposed upon, cheated by a scoundrel! Here I was, four days
+from home, and my whole month's outfit nigh about gone. In the stage
+that took us from the boat to the Springs, rode a very respectable
+youngish-looking woman, with a very cross child in her arms; we had not
+rode far before I found the other passengers, all gentlemen, apparently
+much annoyed by the child; for my part I sympathized with the poor
+woman, got into a conversation with her--learned she was on her way to
+Saratogy to see her husband, who was engaged there as a builder. Upon
+arriving at Saratogy, the young woman requested me to hold her child--it
+was fast asleep--until she stepped over to a new building to inquire
+about her husband. I did so; she went away, and I never saw her from
+that to this!"
+
+A loud and prolonged laugh from his auditors followed this _tableau_ in
+Uncle Joe's story. A little more rappee, and the Major proceeded:
+
+"Well, it was very odd, I don't know how it was, but somehow or other I
+was left with the child, and a plaguy time had I of it; the town
+authorities refused to take charge of it, nobody else would; so by
+Brandywine, there I was; the people seemed to be suspicious of
+me--sniggered and went on as though I knew more about the woman and her
+child than I let on. In short, I had to father the child, and provide
+for it, and I did," said the Major, quite patriotically.
+
+"Well, never mind, Uncle Joe," said Mrs. Bamberry; "that boy may pay you
+yet--pay you for all your trouble; he's growing nicely, and will make a
+fine man."
+
+"So you really had to keep the child!" cried several.
+
+"O yes," says the Major; "I was in for it; I got a nurse and had the
+youngster taken care of. The hotels were crowded, very uncomfortable,
+rooms wretched, small, damp, and dirty. The landlords were quite
+independent, and the servants the most impudent set of extorting varlets
+I ever encountered! To keep from starving, I did as others--bribed a
+waiter to keep my plate supplied. At night they had what they called
+'hops!' in other words, dances, shaking the whole house, and raising
+such a noise and hullabaloo, with cracked horns, squeaky
+fiddles--bawling and yelling, that no sailor boarding house could be
+half so disturbant of the peace. By banks of Brandywine, I got enough of
+such _folderols_; at the end of the week I asked for my bill, augmented
+by some few sundries--it made my hair stand up. Now what do you suppose
+my bill was, for one week, board, lodging, servants' _bribes_ and
+sundries? I'll tell you," said the Major, "for you never could guess
+it--it was forty-one dollars, fifty cents. I took my _protege_, bag and
+baggage, and started for home. I was absent on this memorable tour to
+Saratogy just two weeks, and by banks of Brandywine, if the expense of
+that tour--not including the time _wasted_, vexation, bother,
+mortification of feelings, fuss, and rumpus--was but a fraction less
+than three hundred dollars! Four times the cost of my anticipated trip,
+lessened half the time, with fifty per cent. more humbug about it than I
+ever dreamed of!"
+
+Miss Scarlatina agreed with the rest of the company, that it cost Uncle
+Joe Blinks more to go to Saratogy than it came to, and they all
+concluded--not to go there themselves, just then--any how!
+
+
+
+
+Old Jack Ringbolt
+
+
+Had been spinning old Mrs. Tartaremetic any quantity of salty yarns; she
+was quite surprised at Mr. Ringbolt's ups and downs, trials, travels and
+tribulations. Honest Jack (!) had assured the old dame that he had
+sailed over many and many cities, all under water, and whose roofs and
+chimneys, with the sign-boards on the stores, were still quite visible.
+He had seen Lot's wife, or the pillar of salt she finally was frozen
+into!
+
+"And did you see that--Lot's wife?" asked the old lady.
+
+"Yes, marm; but 'tain't there now--the cattle got afoul of the pillar of
+salt one day, and licked it all up!"
+
+"Good gracious! Mr. Ringbolt!"
+
+"Fact, marm; I see'd 'em at it, and tried to skeer 'em away."
+
+"Well, Mr. Ringbolt, you've seen so much, and been around so, I'd think
+you would want to settle down, and take a wife!"
+
+
+
+
+Who Killed Capt. Walker?
+
+
+Few incidents of the campaign in Mexico seem so mixed up and indefinite
+as that relative to the taking of Huamantla, and the death of that noble
+and chivalric officer, Capt. Walker. In glancing over the papers of
+Major Mammond, of Georgia, which he designates the "Secondary Combats of
+the Mexican War," we observe that he has given an account of the
+engagement at Huamantla, and the fall of Walker. We believe the Major's
+account, compiled as it is from "the documents," to be in the main
+correct, but lacking incidental pith, and slightly erroneous in the
+grand _denouement_, in which our gallant friend--whose manly countenance
+even now stares us in the face, as if in life he "yet lived"--yielded up
+the balance of power on earth.
+
+We have taken some pains, and a great deal of interest surely, in coming
+at the facts; and no time seems so proper as the present--several of the
+chivalric gentlemen of that day and occasion, being now around us--to
+give the story its veritable exhibition of true interest.
+
+Capt. S. H. Walker was a Marylander, a young man of the truest possible
+heroism and gallantry. He entered upon the campaign with all the ardor
+and enterprise of a soldier devoted to the best interests of his
+country. He commanded a company of mounted men, whose bravery was only
+equalled by his own, and whose discipline and hardiness has been
+unsurpassed, if equalled, by any troops of the world. We shall skip over
+the thousand and one incidents of the line of action in which Walker,
+Lewis, and their brave companions in arms did gallant service, to come
+at the sanguinary and truly thrilling _denouement_.
+
+Gen. Lane, after the landing and organization of his troops at Vera
+Cruz, with some 2500 men, started for Puebla, where it was understood
+that Col. Childs required reinforcement. Lane left Jalapa on the 1st of
+October, and hurried forward with Lally's command. At Perote, Lane
+learned that Santa Anna would throw himself upon his muscle, and give
+the advancing columns jessy at the pass of Pinal, and there was every
+prospect of a very tight time. Col. Wynkoop was in command at Perote;
+the men were anxious to be "in" at the fight in prospective, and Wynkoop
+obtained permission to join the General with four companies of the
+Pennsylvania Regiment; a small battery of the 3d Artillery, under
+command of Capt. Taylor, with Capts. Walker, of the Texan Rangers, and
+Lewis, of the Louisiana Cavalry. The column was now swelled to some
+2800. They moved rapidly forward, and upon reaching Tamaris, Lane heard
+that the old fox was off--Santa Anna had gone to Huamantla. Lane
+determined to hunt him up with haste. The main force was left at
+Tamaris. Troops were forwarded--advanced by Walker's Rangers and Lewis's
+Cavalry--who approached to within sight, or nearly so, of Huamantla. The
+orders to Walker were to advance to the town, and if the Mexicans were
+in force, to wait for the Infantry to come up. Walker's command rated
+about 200 men. Upon reaching the outskirts of Huamantla, the Mexican
+Cavalry were seen dashing forward into the town, and the brave Walker
+ordered a pursuit.
+
+Santa Anna was evidently in the town. Capt. Walker, says his gallant
+comrade Lewis, made up his mind to be the captor of the wily old chief.
+The fair prospect of accomplishing the deed so excited Walker, that
+danger and death were alike secondary considerations, and so the command
+charged into the town. Some 500 lancers met the charge, but with
+terrific impetuosity the Rangers and Cavalry dashed in among them,
+cutting them down right and left, and soon sent them flying in all
+directions! It was at this moment, says Capt. Lewis, that one of the
+most heroic acts of bravery was performed, unsurpassed, perhaps, by any
+act of personal daring during the whole war! A tremendous negro, a fine,
+manly fellow, named Dave, belonging to Capt. Walker, with whom he was
+brought up--boys together--being mounted, and armed with a heavy sabre,
+dashed forward down a narrow street, (up which, a detached body of
+lancers were striving to escape,) and throwing himself between three
+poised lances and the person of Dr. Lamar, one of the surgeons, who
+would have been most inevitably torn to atoms, Dave raised himself in
+his saddle, and with a yell, and one fell swoop, the heroic fellow
+"chopped down" a lancer, clean and clear to his saddle! Two lancers
+pierced Dave's body, and he fell from his horse, dead!
+
+Charging up to the Plaza--the Mexicans flying--Capt. Walker dismounted,
+with some thirty of his men, and advanced up a flight of steps to force
+an entrance into a church or convent, where he supposed Santa Anna was
+hid away. The flying lancers were pursued by the Rangers, who, very
+injudiciously, of course, scattered themselves over the town.
+
+Capt. Lewis, in the mean time, had found a large yard attached to a
+temporary garrison, in which were some sixty horses, equipped ready for
+immediate use, and which the Mexicans had, in their hurry to escape,
+left behind them! The irregular firing of the Rangers, in pursuit of the
+Mexicans, being deemed useless and unnecessary, Capt. Lewis left several
+of his men, among whom was "Country McCluskey," the noted pugilist, a
+volunteer in Capt. Lewis's company, to guard the horses, while he rode
+forward to the convent.
+
+"Capt. Walker," said Lewis, "I deem it, sir, not only useless, but bad
+policy, to allow that firing by the men, around the town."
+
+Capt. Walker immediately ordered the firing to cease, and being apprized
+of Capt. Lewis's discovery of the horses, &c., ordered him to bring up
+his command. Capt. Lewis wheeled his horse; some one fired close by, and
+Capt. Walker cried out--
+
+"Who was that? I'll shoot down the next man who fires against my
+orders!"
+
+At that moment three guns were fired from the convent--and
+simultaneously a cannon was fired down the street, from a party of
+Mexicans in the distance. Capt. Lewis faced about just in time to see
+Capt. Walker drop down upon the steps of the convent, as he emphatically
+expresses it,--
+
+"Like a lump of lead, sir!"
+
+The piece up the street was fired again. Capt. Lewis ordered the fallen,
+gallant Walker, to be placed upon the steps close to the wall. A shot
+from the piece alluded to striking off the stone and mortar, he ordered
+the doors to be forced, and Capt. Walker to be taken in, which was done.
+The bugle sounded, and in an instant a horde of lancers poured into the
+town, rushing down upon the Americans from every avenue! Capt. Lewis had
+wheeled about to collect his men, when he found McCluskey and others
+leading out "the pick" of the captured horses.
+
+"Drop--drop the horses, you fool, and mount! Mount, sir, mount!"
+
+They mounted fast enough; Lewis formed, and met the enemy in gallant
+style; and though there were ten, aye, twenty to one, possibly, he drove
+them back! To quote our friend, Major Hammond's words, "Lewis, of the
+Louisiana Cavalry, assumed command, struggled ably to preserve the guns
+(captured), and held his position fairly, until assistance arrived."
+
+One hundred and fifty of the enemy fell, while of the Rangers and
+Cavalry some twenty-five were killed and wounded. They were engaged
+nearly an hour, and the bravery displayed by Walker, Lewis, and their
+men, was worthy of general admiration, and all honor.
+
+Poor Walker! a ball struck him in the left shoulder, passed over his
+heart, and came out in his right vest pocket!
+
+Thus fell the gallant leader of one of the most formidable war parties,
+of its numbers, known to history. Walker was a humane, impulsive man; a
+warm friend, a brave, gallant soldier. His dying words were directed to
+Capt. Lewis--to keep the town, and drive back the enemy; and that the
+chivalrous Captain did so, was well proven. Capt. Walker, and his heroic
+"boy" Dave, who fell unknown to his master, were buried together in the
+earth they so lately stood upon, in all the glory and heroism of men
+that were men!
+
+
+
+
+Practical Philosophy
+
+
+Skinflint and old Jack Ringbolt had a dispute on Long Wharf, a few days
+since, upon a religious _pint_. Jack argued the matter upon a _specie_
+basis, and Skinflint took to "moral suasion." Jack went in for equal
+division of labor and money--all over the world.
+
+"Suppose, now, John," says Skinflint, "we rich men _should_ share equal
+with the poor--their imprudence would soon throw all the wealth into our
+hands again!"
+
+"Wall," says Jack, "s'pose it did! You'd only have to--_share all around
+again!_"
+
+
+
+
+Borrowed finery; or, Killed off by a Ballet Girl.
+
+
+Shakspeare has written--"let him that's robbed--not wanting what is
+stolen, not know it, _and he's not robbed at all!_" Now this fact often
+becomes very apparent, especially so in the case of Mrs. Pompaliner,--a
+lady of whom we have had occasion to speak before, the same who sent
+Mrs. Brown, the washerwomen, sundry boxes of perfume to mix in her
+_suds_, while washing the pyramids of dimity and things of Mrs. P. There
+never was a lady--no member of the sex, that ever suffered more, from
+dread of contagion, fear of dirt, and the contamination of other people,
+than Mrs. Pompaliner.
+
+"Olivia," said she, one morning, to one of her waiting maids, for Mrs.
+Pompaliner kept three, alternating them upon the principle of varying
+her handkerchiefs, gloves and linen, as they--in her double-distilled
+refined idea of things, became soiled by use, from time to time.
+"Olivia, come here--Jessamine, you can leave:" she was so intent upon
+odor and nature's purest loveliness, that she either sought
+sweet-scented cognomened waiting-maids, or nick-named them up to the
+fanciful standard of her own.
+
+"Olivia, here, take this handkerchief away, take the horrid thing away.
+I believe my soul somebody has touched it after it was ironed. Do take
+it away," and the poor victim of concentrated, double extract of human
+extravagance, almost fainted and fell back upon her lounge, in a fit of
+abhorrence at the idea of her _mouchoir_ being touched, tossed, or
+opened, after it entered her camphorated drawers in her highly-perfumed
+_boudoir_.
+
+"Olivia!"
+
+"Yes'm," was the response of the fine, ruddy, and wholesome looking
+maid.
+
+"Olivia, put on your gloves."
+
+"Yes'm."
+
+"Go down to Mrs. Brown's," she faintly says--"tell her to come here this
+very day."
+
+"Yes'm."
+
+"Olivia!"
+
+"Yes'm," replied the fine-eyed, real woman.
+
+"Got your gloves on?"
+
+"Yes'm."
+
+"Well, take this key, go to my boudoir, in the fifth drawer of my
+_papier mache_ black bureau, you will find a case of handkerchiefs."
+
+"Yes'm."
+
+"Take out three, yes, four, close the case, lock the drawer, close the
+boudoir door, and bring down the handkerchiefs upon my rosewood tray. Do
+you comprehend, Olivia?"
+
+"Yes'm," said the girl.
+
+"But come here; let me see your hands. O, horror! such gloves! touch my
+handkerchiefs or bureau drawers with those horrid gloves! Poison me!"
+cries the terrified woman.
+
+"Olivia," she again ejaculates, after a moment's pause, from overtasked
+nature!
+
+"Yes'm," the blushing, tickled _blonde_ replies.
+
+"Go call Vanilla, you are quite soiled now. I want a fresh servant,
+retire."
+
+"Ah, Vanilla, girl, have you got your gloves on?"
+
+"Yes'm," the yellow girl modestly answers.
+
+"Then do go and bring me six handkerchiefs from my boudoir, in the fifth
+drawer of my black _papier mache_ bureau. Let me see your gloves, dear.
+
+"Ah, Vanilla, you are to be depended upon; your gloves are clean--now
+run along, dear, for I'm suffering for a fresh, new, and untouched
+handkerchief.
+
+"Ah, that's well. Now, Vanilla, go to Mrs. Brown's, my laundress--say
+that I wish her to come here, immediately."
+
+"Yes'm," says the bright quadroon, and away she spins for the domicil of
+democratic Mrs. Brown, the laundress.
+
+"Now what's up, I'd like to know?" quoth the old woman.
+
+"Dunno, missus wants to see you--guess you better come," says Vanilla.
+
+"Deuce take sich fussy people," says Mrs. Brown; "I wouldn't railly put
+up with all her dern'd nonsense, ef she wa'n't so poorly, so weak in her
+mind and body, and so good about paying for her work. No, I declare I
+wouldn't," said the strong-minded woman.
+
+"Bring the creature up," said Mrs. Pompaliner, as one of her fresh
+attendants announced the washerwoman.
+
+"Ah, you are here?"
+
+"Yes," said the fat, hardy, and independent, if awkward, Mrs. Brown, as
+she stood in the august presence of Mrs. Pompaliner, and the gorgeous
+trappings of her own private drawing-room.
+
+"Yes, I believe I am, ma'am!" says the she-democrat.
+
+"Vanilla, tell Olivia to bring Jessamine here."
+
+"Yes'm."
+
+"Now Mrs. a--what is your name?"
+
+"Brown, Dorcas Brown; my husband and I--"
+
+"Never mind, that's sufficient, Mrs. a--Brown," said the reclining Mrs.
+Pompaliner. "I wish to know if anybody is permitted to touch or handle
+any of my wardrobe, my linen, handkerchiefs, hose, gloves, laces, etc.,
+in your house?"
+
+"Tetch 'em!" echoes the rotund laundress; "why of course we've got to
+tetch 'em, or how'd we get 'em ironed and put in your baskets, ma'am?"
+
+"Do you pretend to say, Mrs. a--Brown--O dear! dear! I am afraid you
+have ruined all my clothes!"
+
+"Ruined 'em?" quoth Mrs. Brown, coloring up, like a fresh and lively
+lobster immersed in a pot of highly caloric water.
+
+"I want to know if the things ain't been done this week as well as I
+ever did 'em, could do 'em, or anybody could do 'em on this mighty yeath
+(earth), ma'am!"
+
+"Come, come, don't get me flustered, woman," cries the poor, faint Mrs.
+Pompaliner. "Don't come here to worry me; answer me and go."
+
+"So I can go, ma'am!" said Mrs. Brown, with a vigorous toss of her
+bullet head.
+
+"Stop, will you understand me, Mrs.--a--"
+
+"Brown, ma'am, Brown's my name. I ain't afeard to let anybody know it!"
+responded the spunky laundress.
+
+The arrival of Olivia, who ushered in Jessamine, turned the current of
+affairs.
+
+"Jessamine, your gloves on, dear?"
+
+"Yes'm."
+
+"Then go to my _boudoir_, open the rose-wood clothes case, bring down
+the skirts, a dozen or two of the _mouchoirs_, the laces and hose."
+
+The girl departed, and soon returned with a ponderous paper box, laden
+with the articles required.
+
+"Now," said Mrs. Pompaliner, "now, Brown, look at those articles; don't
+you see that they have been touched?"
+
+"Tetched! lord-a-massy, ma'am, how'd you get 'em ironed, folded and
+brought home, ma'am, without tetching 'em?"
+
+"Olivia, Vanilla, where are you? Jessamine, dear, bring me a fresh
+handkerchief, ignite a _pastile_, there's such an odor in the room. Do
+you _smell_, Mrs. a--Brown, that horrid lavender or rose, or, or,--do
+you smell it, Brown?"
+
+"Lord-a-massy, ma'am," said the old woman of suds, "I ollers smell a
+dreadful smell here; them parfumeries o' yourn, I often tell my Augusty,
+I wonder them stinkin'--"
+
+"O! O! dear!" cries Mrs. Pompaliner, going off "into a spell;"
+recovering a little, Mrs. Pompaliner proceeds to state that for some
+time past, she had been troubled with _a presentiment_, that her fine
+clothes had been tampered with after leaving the smoothing iron, and how
+fatal to her would be the fact of any mortal daring to use, in the
+remotest manner, any fresh garment or personal apparel of hers!
+Suspicion had been aroused, the articles before the parties were now
+diligently examined, when, lo! a spot, not unlike a slight smear of
+vermilion, was discovered upon a splendid handkerchief--it gave Mrs. P.
+an electric shock; but, O horror! the next thing turned up was a
+_spangle_, big as a half dime, upon one of Mrs. P.'s most superb skirts!
+This awful revelation, connected with the smell of vile lavender and
+worse patchouly, upon another piece of woman gear, threw Mrs. Pompaliner
+into spasms, between the motions of which she gasped:
+
+"You have a daughter, Mrs. Brown?"
+
+"Yes, I have."
+
+"How old is she?"
+
+"About seventeen, ma'am."
+
+"And she a--?"
+
+"Dances in the theatre, ma'am!"
+
+The whole thing was out: the sacred garments of Mrs. P. had not only
+been _touched_ by sacrilegious hands, but had had an airing, and smelt
+the lamps of the play-house! Mrs. Pompaliner was so shocked, that four
+first-class physicians tended her for a whole season.
+
+Mrs. Brown lost a profitable customer, and well walloped her
+ballet-nymph daughter Augusty, for attiring herself in the finery of her
+most possibly particular and sensitive customer! It was awful!
+
+
+
+
+Legal Advice.
+
+
+Old Ben. Franklin said it was his opinion that, between imprisonment and
+being at large in debt to your neighbor, there was no _difference_
+worthy the name of it. Some people have a monstrous sight of courage in
+debt, more than they have out of it, while we have known some, who,
+though not afraid to stand fire or water, shook in their very
+boots--wilted right down, before the frown of a creditor! A man that can
+_dun_ to death, or stand a deadly _dun_, possesses talents no Christian
+need envy; for, next to Lucifer, we look upon the confirmed "diddler"
+and professional _dun_, for every ignoble trait in the character of
+mankind. A friend at our elbow has just possessed us of some facts so
+mirth-provoking, (to us, not to him,) that we jot them down for the
+amusement and information of suffering mankind and the rest of creation,
+who now and then get into a scrimmage with rogues, lawyers and law. And
+perhaps it may be as well to let the _indefatigable_ tell his own story:
+
+"You see, Cutaway dealt with me, and though he knew I was dead set
+against _crediting_ anybody, he would insist, and did--get into my
+books. I let it run along until the amount reached sixty dollars, and
+Cutaway, instead of stopping off and paying me up, went in deeper!
+Getting in debt seemed to make him desperate, reckless! One day he came
+in when I was out; he and his wife look around, and, by George! they
+select a handsome tea-set, worth twenty dollars, and my fool clerk sends
+it home.
+
+"'Tell him to _charge it!_' says Cutaway, to the boy who took the china
+home; and I did charge it.
+
+"The upshot of the business was, I found out that Cutaway was a
+confirmed _diddler_; he got all he wanted, when and where he could, upon
+the 'charge it' principle, and had become so callous to duns, that his
+moral compunctions were as tough as sole leather--bullet-proof.
+
+"I was vexed, I was _mad_, I determined to break one of my 'fixed
+principles,' and _go to law_; have my money, goods, or a row! I goes to
+a lawyer, states my case, gave him a fee and told him to go to work.
+
+"Cutaway, of course, received a polite invitation to step up to Van
+Nickem's office and learn something to his advantage; and he attended. A
+few days afterwards I dropped in.
+
+"'Your man's been here,' says Van Nickem, smilingly.
+
+"'Has, eh? Well, what's he done?' said I.
+
+"'O, he acknowledges the _debt_, says he thinks you are rather hurrying
+up the biscuits, and thinks you might have sent the bill to him instead
+of giving it to me for collection,' says the lawyer.
+
+"'Send it to him!' says I. 'Why I sent it fifty times;--sent my clerk
+until he got ashamed of going, and my boy went so often that his boots
+got into such a way of _going_ to Cutaway's shop, that he had to change
+them with his brother, _when he was going anywhere else!_'
+
+"'He appears to be a clever sort of a fellow,' said Van.
+
+"'He _is_,' said I, 'the cleverest, most perfectly-at-home _diddler_ in
+town.'
+
+"'Well,' said Van Nickem, 'Cutaway acknowledges the debt, says he's
+rather straightened just now, but if you'll give him a little more
+_time_, he'll fork up every cent; so if I were you, I'd wait a little
+and see.'
+
+"Well, I did wait. I didn't want to appear more eager for law than a
+lawyer, so I waited--three months. At the end of that time, early one
+Saturday morning, in came Cutaway. 'Aha!' says I, 'you are going to
+_fork_ now, at last; it's well you come, for I'd been _down_ on you on
+Monday, bright and early!'"
+
+"You didn't say that to him, did you?" we observed.
+
+"O, bless you, _no_. I said _that_ to _myself_, but I met _him_ with a
+smile, and with a 'how d'ye do, Cutaway?' and in my excitement at the
+prospect of receiving the $80, which I then wanted the worst kind, I
+shook hands with him, asked how his family was, and got as familiar and
+jocular with him as though he was the most cherished friend I had in the
+world! Well, now what do you suppose was the result of that interview
+with Cutaway?"
+
+"Paid you a portion, or all of your bill against him, we suppose," was
+our response.
+
+"Not by a long shot; with the coolness of a pirate he asked me to credit
+him for a handsome wine-tray, a dozen cut goblets and glasses, and a
+pair of decanters; he expected some friends from New York that evening,
+was going to give them a 'set out' at his house, and one of the guests,
+in consideration of former favors rendered by him, was pledged--being a
+man of wealth--to loan him enough funds to pay his debts, and take up a
+mortgage on his residence."
+
+"You laughed at his impudence, and kicked him out into the street?" said
+we.
+
+"I hope I may be hung if I didn't let him have the goods, and he took
+them home with him, swearing by all that was good and bad, he would
+settle with me early the following Monday morning. I saw no more of
+_him_ for two weeks! I went to Van Nickem's, he laughed at me. The bill
+was now $100. I was raging. I told Van Nickem I'd have my money out of
+Cutaway, or I'd advertise him for a villain, swindler, and scoundrel."
+
+"'He'd sue you for libel, and obtain damages,' said Van.
+
+"'Then I'll horsewhip him, sir, within an inch of his life, in the open
+street!' said I, in a heat.
+
+"'You might _rue_ that,' said Van. 'He'd sue you for an assault, and
+give you trouble and expense.'
+
+"'Then I suppose I can do nothing, eh?--the _law_ being _made_ for the
+benefit of such villains!'
+
+"'We will arrest him,' said Van.
+
+"'Well, then what?' said I.
+
+"'We will haul him up to the bull ring, we will have the money, attach
+his property, goods or chattels, or clap him in jail, sir!' said Van
+Nickem, with an air of determination.
+
+"I felt relieved; the hope of putting the rascal in jail, I confess, was
+dearer to me than the $100. I told Van to go it, give the rascal jessy,
+and Van did; but after three weeks' vexatious litigation, Cutaway went
+to jail, swore out, and, to my mortification, I learned that he had been
+through that sort of process so often that, like the old woman's skinned
+eels, he was used to it, and rather liked the sensation than otherwise!
+Well, saddled with the costs, foiled, gouged, swindled, and laughed at,
+you may fancy my feelinks, as Yellow Plush remarks."
+
+"So you lost the $100--got whipped, eh?" we remarked.
+
+"No, _sir_," said our litigious friend. "I cornered him, I got old
+Cutaway in a tight place at last, and that's the pith of the
+transaction. Cutaway, having swindled and shaved about half the
+community with whom he _had_ any transactions,--got his affairs all
+fixed smooth and quiet, and with his family was off for California. I
+got wind of it,--Van Nickem and I had a conference.
+
+"'We'll have him,' says Van. 'Find out what time he sails, where the
+vessel is, &c.; lay back until a few hours before the vessel is to cut
+loose, then go down, get the fellow ashore if you can, talk to him, soft
+soap him, ask him if he won't pay if he has luck in California, &c., and
+so on, and when you've got him a hundred yards from the vessel, knock
+him down, pummel him well; I'll have an officer ready to arrest both of
+you for breach of the peace; when you are brought up, I'll have a
+_charge_ made out against Cutaway for something or other, and if he
+don't fork out and clear, I'm mistaken,' said Van. I followed his advice
+to the letter; I pummelled Cutaway well; we were taken up and fined, and
+Cutaway was in a great hurry to say but little and get off. But Van and
+the _writ_ appeared. Cutaway looked streaked--he was alarmed. In two
+hours' time he disgorged not only my bill, but a bill of forty dollars
+costs! He then cut for the ship, the meanest looking white man you ever
+saw!"
+
+If Mr. Cutaway don't take the _force_ of that moral, _salt_ won't save
+him.
+
+
+
+
+Wonders of the Day.
+
+
+The "firm" who save a hogshead of ink, annually, by not allowing their
+clerks and book-keepers to dot their i's or cross their t's, are now
+bargaining (with the old school gentlemen who split a knife that cost a
+fourpence, in skinning a flea for his hide and tallow!) for a
+two-pronged pen, which cuts short business letters and printed
+bill-heads, by enabling a clerk to write on both sides of the paper, two
+lines at a time. Great improvement on the old method, ain't it?
+
+
+
+
+"Don't Know You, Sir!"
+
+
+We shall never forget, and always feel proud of the fact, that we _knew_
+so great an every-day _Plato_ as Davy Crockett. Had the old Colonel
+never uttered a better idea than that everlasting good motto--"Be sure
+you're right, then go ahead!" his wisdom would stand a pretty good
+wrestle with tide and time, before his standing, as a man of genius,
+would pass to oblivion--be washed out in Lethe's waters. We remember
+hearing Col. Crockett relate, during a "speech," a short time before he
+lost his life at the _Alamo_, in Texas--a little incident, of his being
+taken up in New Orleans, one night, by a _gen d'arme_--lugged to the
+calaboose, and kept there as an out-and-out "hard case," not being able
+to find any body, hardly, that knew him, and being totally unable to
+reconcile the chief of police to the fact that he _was_ the identical
+Davy Crockett, or any body else, above par! "If you want to find out
+your 'level,'--_ad valorem_, wake up some morning, noon or night--_where
+nobody knows you!_" said the Colonel, "and if you ever feel so
+essentially chawed up, _raw_, as I did in the calaboose, the Lord pity
+you!"
+
+There was a "modern instance" of Colonel Crockett's "wise saw," in the
+case of a certain Philadelphia millionaire, who was in the habit of
+_carting_ himself out, in a very ancient and excessively shabby gig;
+which, in consequence of its utter ignorance of the stable-boy's brush,
+sponge or broom, and the hospitalities the old concern nightly offered
+the hens--was not exactly the kind of _equipage_ calculated to win
+attention or marked respect, for the owner and driver. The old
+millionaire, one day in early October, took it into his head to ride
+out and see the country. Taking an early start, the old gentleman, and
+his old bob-tailed, frost-bitten-looking horse, with that same old
+shabby gig, about dusk, found themselves under the swinging sign of a
+Pennsylvania Dutch tavern, in the neighborhood of Reading. As nobody
+bestirred themselves to see to the traveller, he put his very
+old-fashioned face and wig outside of the vehicle, and called--
+
+"Hel-lo! hos-e-lair? Landlord?"
+
+Leisurely stalking down the steps, the Dutch hostler advanced towards
+the queer and questionable travelling equipage.
+
+"Vel, vot you vont, ah?"
+
+"Vat sal I vant? I sal vant to put oup my hoss, vis-ze stab'l, viz two
+pecks of oats and plenty of hay, hos-e-lair."
+
+"Yaw," was the laconic grunt of the hostler, as he proceeded to unhitch
+old bald-face from his rigging.
+
+"Stop one little," said the traveller. "I see 'tis very mosh like to
+rain, to-night; put up my gig in ze stab'l, too."
+
+"Boosh, tonner and blitzen, der rain not hurt yer ole gig!"
+
+"I pay you for vat you sal do for me, mind vat I sal say, sair, if you
+pleaze."
+
+The hostler, very surlily, led the traveller's weary old brute to the
+stable; but, prior to carrying out the orders of the traveller, he
+sought the landlord, to know if it would _pay_ to put up the shabby
+concern, and treat the old horse to a real feed of hay and oats, without
+making some inquiries into the financial situation of the old Frenchman.
+
+The landlord, with a country lawyer and a neighboring farmer, were at
+the _Bar_, one of those old-fashioned _slatted_ coops, in a corner,
+peculiar to Pennsylvania, discussing the merits of a law suit, seizure
+of the property, &c., of a deceased tiller of the soil, in the vicinity.
+Busily chatting, and quaffing their _toddy_, the entrance of the poor
+old traveller was scarcely noticed, until he had divested himself of
+his old, many-caped cloak, and demurely taken a seat in the room. The
+hostler having reappeared, and talked a little Dutch to the host, that
+worthy turned to the traveller--
+
+"Good even'ns, thravel'r!"
+
+"Yes, sair;" pleasantly responded the Frenchman, "a little."
+
+"You got a hoss, eh?" continued the landlord.
+
+"Yes, sair, I vish ze hostlair to give mine hoss plenty to eat--plenty
+hay, plenty oats, plenty watair, sair."
+
+"Yaw," responded the landlord, "den, Jacob, give'm der oats, and der
+hay, and der water;" and, with this brief direction to his subordinate,
+the landlord turned away from the way-worn traveller to resume his
+conversation with his more, apparently, influential friends. The old
+Frenchman very patiently waited until the discussion should cease, and
+the landlord's ear be disengaged, that he might be apprized of the fact
+that travellers had stomachs, and that of the old French gentleman was
+highly _incensed_ by long delay, and more particularly by the odorous
+fumes of roast fowls, ham and eggs, &c., issuing from the inner portion
+of the tavern.
+
+"Landlord, I vil take suppair, if you please," said he.
+
+"Yaw; after dese gentlemans shall eat der suppers, den somesing will be
+prepared for you."
+
+"Sair!" said the old Frenchman, firing up; "I vill not vait for ze
+shentilmen; I vant my suppair now, directly--right away; I not vait for
+nobody, sair!"
+
+"If you no like 'em, den you go off, out mine house," answered the old
+sour krout, "you old barber!"
+
+"Bar-bair!" gasped the old Frenchman, in suppressed rage. "Sair, I vill
+go no where, I vill stay here so long, by gar, as--as--as I please,
+sair!"
+
+"Are you aware, sir," interposed the legal gentleman, "that you are
+rendering gross and offensive, malicious and libellous, scandalous and
+burglarious language to this gentleman, in his own domicile, with malice
+prepense and aforethought, and a ----"
+
+"Pooh! pooh! _pooh!_ for you, sair!" testily replied the Frenchman.
+
+"Pooh? To me, sir? _Me, sir?_" bullyingly echoed Blackstone.
+
+"Yes, sair--pooh--_pooh!_ von geese, sair!"
+
+It were vain to try to depict the rage of wounded pride, the insolence
+of a travelling _barber_ had stirred up in the very face of the man of
+law, logic, and legal lore. He swelled up, blowed and strutted about
+like a _miffed_ gobbler in a barn yard! He tried to cork down his rage,
+but it bursted forth--
+
+"You--you--you infernal old frog-eating, soap and lather, you--you--you
+smoke-dried, one-eyed,* poor old wretch, you, if it wasn't for pity's
+sake, I'd have you taken up and put in the county jail, for vagrancy, I
+would, you poverty-stricken old rascal!"
+
+    [*] Girard, it will be remembered, had but one eye. With that,
+    however, he saw as much as many do with a full pair of eyes.
+
+"Jacob!" bawled the landlord, to his sub., "bring out der ole hoss
+again, pefore he die mit de crows, in mine stable; now, you ole fool,
+you shall go vay pout your bishenish mit nossin to eat, mit yer hoss
+too!" said the landlord, with an evident rush of blood and beer to his
+head!
+
+"Oh, veri well," patiently answered the old Frenchman, "veri well, sair,
+I sal go--but,"--shaking his finger very significantly at the landlord
+and lawyer, "I com' back to-morrow morning, I buy dis prop-er-tee; you,
+sir, sal make de deed in my name--I kick you out, sair, (to the
+landlord,) and to you (the lawyer), I sal like de goose. Booh!"
+
+With this, the poor old Frenchman started for his gig, amid the "Haw!
+haw! haw! and ha! ha! he! he!" of the landlord and lawyer. "That for
+you," said the Frenchman, as he gave the surly Dutchman-hostler a real
+half-dollar, took the dirty "ribbons" and drove off. Now, the farmer,
+one of the three spectators present, had quietly watched the
+proceedings, and being _gifted_ with enough insight into human nature to
+see something more than "an old French barber" in the person and manner
+of the traveller; and, moreover, being interested in the Tavern
+property, followed the Frenchman; overtaking him, he at once offered him
+the hospitalities of his domicile, not far distant, where the traveller
+passed a most comfortable night, and where his host found out that he
+was entertaining no less a pecuniary miracle of his time--_than Stephen
+Girard_.
+
+Early next morning, old Stephy, in his old and _shady_ gig, accompanied
+by his entertainer, rode over to the two owners of the Tavern property,
+and with them sought the _lawyer_, the deeds were made out, the old
+Frenchman _drew_ on his own Bank for the $13,000, gave the farmer a ten
+years' _lease_ upon the place, paid the lawyer for his trouble, and as
+that worthy accompanied the millionaire to the door, and was very
+obsequiously bowing him out, old Stephy turned around on the steps, and
+looking sharp--with his one eye upon the lawyer, says he--
+
+"Sair! Pooh! pooh!--_Booh!_" off he rode for the Tavern, where he and
+the landlord had a _haze_, the landlord was notified to _leave_, short
+metre; and being fully revenged for the insult paid his millions, old
+Stephen Girard, the great Philadelphia financier, rode back to where he
+was better used for his money, and evidently better satisfied than ever,
+that money is mighty when brought to bear upon an object!
+
+
+
+
+A Circumlocutory Egg Pedler.
+
+
+We have been, frequently, much amused with the man[oe]uvring of some
+folks in trade. It's not your cute folks, who screw, twist and twirl
+over a smooth fourpence, or skin a flea for its hide and tallow, and
+spoil a knife that cost a shilling,--that come out first best in the
+long run. Some folks have a weakness for beating down shop-keepers, or
+anybody else they deal with, and so far have we seen this _infirmity_
+carried, that we candidly believe we've known persons that would not
+stop short of cheapening the passage to kingdom come, if they thought a
+dollar and two cents might be saved in the fare! Now the _rationale_ of
+the matter is this:--as soon as persons establish a reputation for
+meanness--beating down folks, they fall victims to all sorts of shaves
+and short commons, and have the fine Saxony drawn over their eyes--from
+the nose to the occiput; they get the meanest "bargains," offals, &c.,
+that others would hardly have, even at a heavy discount. Then some folks
+are so wonderful sharp, too, that we wonder their very shadow does not
+often cut somebody. A friend of ours went to buy his wife a pair of
+gaiters; he brought them home; she found all manner of fault with them;
+among other drawbacks, she declared that for the price her better half
+had given for the gaiters, _she_ could have got the best article in
+Waxend's entire shop! _He_ said _she_ had better take them back and try.
+So she did, and poor Mr. Waxend had an hour of his precious time used up
+by the lady's attempt to get a more expensive pair of gaiters at a less
+price than those purchased by her husband. Waxend saw how matters stood,
+so he consented to adopt the maxim of--when Greek meets Greek, then
+comes the tug of war!
+
+"Now, marm," said he, "here is a pair of gaiters I have made for Mrs.
+Heavypurse; they are just your fit, most expensive material, the best
+article in the shop; Mrs. Heavypurse will not expect them for a few
+days, and rather than _you_ should be disappointed, I will let _you_
+have them for the same price your husband paid for those common ones!"
+
+Of course Mrs. ---- took them, went home in great glee, and told her
+better half she'd never trust him to go shopping for her again--for they
+always cheated him. When the husband came to scrutinize his wife's
+bargain, lo! he detected the self-same gaiters--merely with a different
+quality of lacings in them! He, like a philosopher, grinned and said
+nothing. That illustrates one phase in the character of some people who
+"go it blind" on "bargains" and now, for the pith of our story--the way
+some folks have of going round "Robin Hood's barn" to come at a thing.
+
+The other day we stopped into a friend's store to see how he was getting
+along, and presently in came a rural-district-looking customer.
+
+"How'd do?" says he, to the storekeeper, who was busy, keeping the stove
+warm.
+
+"Pretty well; how is it with you?"
+
+"Well, so, so; how's all the folks?"
+
+"Middling--middling, sir. How's all your folks?"
+
+"Tolerable--yes, tolerable," says the rural gent. "How's trade?" he
+ventured to inquire.
+
+"Dull, ray-ther dull," responded the storekeeper. "Come take a seat by
+the stove, Mr. Smallpotatoes."
+
+"Thank you, I guess not," says the ruralite. "Your folks are all
+stirring, eh?" he added.
+
+"Yes, stirring around a little, sir. How's your mother got?" the
+storekeeper inquired, for it appeared he knew the man.
+
+"Poorly, dreadful poorly, yet," was the reply. "Cold weather, you see,
+sort o' sets the old lady back."
+
+"I suppose so," responded our friend; and here, think's we, if there is
+anything important or business like on the man's mind, he must be near
+to its focus. But he started again--
+
+"Ain't goin' to Californy, then, are you?" says Mr. Smallpotatoes.
+
+"Guess not," said our friend. "You talked of going, I believe?"
+
+"Well, ye-e-e-s, I did think of it," said the rural gent; "I did think
+of it last fall, but I kind o' gin it up."
+
+Here another _hiatus_ occurred; the rural gent walked around, viewed the
+goods and chattels for some minutes; then says he--
+
+"Guess I'll be movin'," and of course that called forth from our friend
+the venerated expression--
+
+"What's your hurry?"
+
+"Well, nothing 'special. Plaguy cold winter we've got!"
+
+"That's a fact," answered the storekeeper. "How's sleighing out your
+way--good?"
+
+"First rate; I guess the folks have had enough of it, this winter, by
+jolly. I hev, any how," says the rural gent. "Trade's dull, eh?"
+
+"Very--very _slack_."
+
+"Dullest time of the year, I reckon, ain't it?"
+
+"Pretty much so, indeed," says the storekeeper.
+
+"I don't see's Californy goold gets much plentier, or business much
+better, nowhere."
+
+To this bit of cogent reason our friend replied--
+
+"Not much--that's a fact."
+
+"I 'spect there's a good deal of humbug about the Californy goold mines,
+don't you?"
+
+"The wealth of the country or the ease of coming at it," said the
+storekeeper, "is no doubt exaggerated some."
+
+"That's my opinion on't too," said the agriculturist. "Some make money
+out there, and then agin some don't; I reckon more don't than does." To
+this bright inference the storekeeper ventured to say--
+
+"I think it's highly _probable_."
+
+"All your folks are lively, eh?" inquired Smallpotatoes.
+
+"Pretty much so," said the storekeeper; "troubled a little with
+influenza, colds, &c.; nothing serious, however."
+
+"Well, I'm glad to hear it."
+
+"All your folks are well, I believe you said?" the storekeeper, in
+apparent solicitude, inquired, to be reassured of the fact.
+
+"Ye-e-e-s, exceptin' the old lady."
+
+Another pause; we began to feel convinced there was speculation in the
+rural gent's "eyes," and just for the fun of the thing--as we "were up"
+to such dodges--we determined to hang on and see how he come out.
+
+"Well, I declare, I must be goin'!" suddenly said the rural gent, and
+actually made five steps towards the handle of the door.
+
+"Don't be in a hurry," echoed the storekeeper. "When did you come in
+town?"
+
+"I come in this mornin'."
+
+"Any of the folks in with you?"
+
+"No; my wife did want to come in, but concluded it was too cold;
+'spected some of your folks out to see us durin' this good
+sleighing--why didn't you come?"
+
+"Couldn't very well spare time," said the storekeeper.
+
+"Well, we'd been glad to see you, and if you get time, and the sleighin'
+holds out, you must come and see us."
+
+"I may--I can't promise for certain."
+
+Now another pause took place, and thinks we--the climax has come,
+surely, after all that small talk. The country gent walked deliberately
+to the door; he actually took hold of the knob.
+
+"You off?" says the storekeeper.
+
+"B'lieve I'll be off"--opening the door, then rushes back
+again--semi-excited by the force of some pent up idea, says the rural
+gent--"O! Mr. ----, _don't you want to buy some good fresh eggs_?"
+
+"Eggs? Yes, I do; been looking all around for some fresh eggs; how many
+have you?"
+
+"Five dozen; thought you'd want some; so I come right in to see!"
+
+We nearly catapillered! After all this circumlocution, the man came to
+the _pint_, and--sold his eggs in two minutes!
+
+
+
+
+Jolly Old Times.
+
+
+Either mankind or his constitution has changed since "the good old
+times," for we read in an old medicine book, that bleeding at the nose,
+and cramp, could be effectually prevented by wearing a dried toad in a
+bag at the pit of the stomach; while for rheumatism and consumption, a
+snake skin worn in the crown of your hat, was a sovereign remedy! Dried
+toads and snake skins are quite out of use around these settlements, and
+we think the Esculapius who would recommend such nostrums, would be
+looked upon as a poor devil with a fissure in his cranium, liable to
+cause his brains to become weather-beaten! We remember hearing of a
+learned old cuffy, who lived down "dar" near Tallahassee, who invariably
+recommended cayenne pepper in the eye to cure the toothache! Had this
+venerable old colored gem'n lived 200 years ago, he would doubtless have
+created a sensation in the medical circles!
+
+
+
+
+The Pigeon Express Man.
+
+
+In nearly all yarns or plays in which Yankees figure, they are supposed
+to be "a leetle teu darn'd ceute" for almost any body else, creating a
+heap of fun, and coming out clean ahead; but that even Connecticut
+Yankees--the cutest and all firedest _tight_ critters on the face of the
+_yearth_, when money or trade's in the question--are "_done_" now and
+then, upon the most scientific principles, we are going to prove.
+
+It is generally known, in the newspaper world, that two or three Eastern
+men, a few years ago, started a paper in Philadelphia, upon the penny
+principle, and have since been rewarded as they deserved. They were, and
+are, men of great enterprise and liberality, as far as their business is
+concerned, and thereby they got ahead of all competition, and made their
+_pile_. The proprietors were always "fly" for any new dodge, by which
+they could keep the lead of things, and monopolize the _news_ market.
+The Telegraph had not "turned up" in the day of which we write--the
+_mails_, and, now and then, express horse lines, were the media through
+which _Great Excitements! Alarming Events!! Great Fires and Awful
+Calamities!!_ were come at. One morning, as one of these gentlemen was
+sitting in his office, a long, lank genius, with a visage as
+hatchet-faced and keen as any Connecticut Yankee's on record, came in,
+and inquired of one of the clerks for the proprietors of that
+institution. Being pointed out, the thin man made a _lean_ towards him.
+After getting close up, and twisting and screwing around his head to see
+that nobody was listening or looking, the lean man sat down very
+gingerly upon the extreme verge of a chair, and leaning forward until
+his razor-made nose almost touched that of the publisher, in a low,
+nasal, anxious tone, says he,
+
+"Air yeou one of the publishers of this paper?"
+
+"I am, sir."
+
+"Oh, yeou, sir!" said the visitor, again looking suspiciously around and
+about him.
+
+"Did you ever hear tell of the _Pigeon Express_?" he continued.
+
+"The Pigeon Express?" echoed the publisher.
+
+"Ya-a-s. Carrier pigeons--letters to their l-e-g-s and newspapers under
+their wings--trained to fly any where you warnt 'em."
+
+"Carrier Pigeons," mused the publisher--"Carrier--pigeons trained to
+carry billets--bulletins and--"
+
+"Go frum fifty to a hundred miles an hour!" chimed in the stranger.
+
+"True, so they say, very true," continued the publisher, musingly.
+
+"Elegant things for gettin' or sendin' noos head of every body else."
+
+"Precisely: that's a fact, that's a fact," the other responded, rising
+from his chair and pacing the floor, as though rather and decidedly
+_taken_ by the novelty and feasibility of the operation.
+
+"You'd have 'em all, Mister, dead as mutton, by a Pigeon Express."
+
+"I like the idea; good, first rate!"
+
+"Can't be beat, noheow!" said the stranger.
+
+"But what would it cost?"
+
+"Two hundred dollars, and a small wagon, to begin on."
+
+"A small wagon?"
+
+"Ya-a-s. Yeou see, Mister, the birds haff to be trained to fly from one
+_pint_ to another!"
+
+"Yes; well?"
+
+"Wa-a-ll, yeou see the birds are put in a box, on the top of the
+bildin', for a spell, teu git the _hang_ of things, and so on!"
+
+"Yes, very well; go on."
+
+"Then the birds are put in a cage, the trainer takes 'em into his
+wagon--ten miles at first--throws 'em up, and the birds go to the
+bildin'. Next day fifteen miles, and so forth; yeou see?"
+
+"Perfectly; I understand; now, where can these birds be had?"
+
+Putting his thin lips close to the publisher's opening ears, in a low,
+long way, says the stranger--
+
+"_I've got 'em!_ R-a-l-e Persian birds--be-e-utis!"
+
+"You understand training them?" says the anxious publisher.
+
+"_Like a book_," the stranger responded.
+
+"Where are the birds?" the publisher inquired.
+
+"I've got 'em down to the tavern, where I'm stoppin'."
+
+"Bring them up; let me see them; let me see them!"
+
+"Certainly, Mister, of course," responded the Pigeon express man,
+leaving the presence of the tickled-to-death publisher, who paced his
+office as full of effervescence as a jimmyjohn of spruce beer in dog
+days.
+
+About this time pigeons were being trained, and in a few cases, now and
+then, really did carry messages for lottery ticket venders in Jersey
+City, to Philadelphia, Wilmington, and Baltimore; but these exploits
+rarely paid first cost, and did not amount to much, although some noise
+was made about the wonderful performance of certain Carrier Pigeons. But
+the _paper_ was to have a new impulse--astonish all creation and the
+rest of mankind, by Pigeon Express. The publisher's partner was in New
+York, fishing for novelties, and he determined to astonish him, on his
+return home, by the _bird business!_ A coop was fixed on the top of the
+"bildin'," as the great inventor of the express had suggested. The
+wagon was bought, and, with two hundred dollars in for funds, passed
+over to the pigeon express man, who, in the course of a few days, takes
+the birds into his wagon, to take them out some few miles, throw them
+up, and the publisher and a confidential friend were to be on top of the
+"bildin'," looking out for them.
+
+They kept looking!--they saw something werry like a whale, but a good
+deal like a first-rate bad "_Sell!_" The lapse of a few days was quite
+sufficient to convince the publisher that he had been taken in and done
+for--regularly _picked up_ and done for,--upon the most approved and
+scientific principles. Rather than let the cat out of the bag, he made
+up his mind to pocket the _shave_ and keep shady, not even "letting on
+to his partner," who in the course of the following week returned from
+Gotham, evidently feeling as fine as silk, about something or other.
+
+"Well, what's new in New York--got hold of any thing rich?" was the
+first interrogatory.
+
+"Hi-i-i-sh! close the door!" was the reply, indicating something very
+important on the _tapis_.
+
+"So; my dear fellow, I've got a concern, now, that will put the
+sixpennies to sleep as sound as rocks!"
+
+"No. What have you started in Gotham?"
+
+"Exactly. If you don't own up the corn, that the idea is
+grand--immense--I'll knock under."
+
+"Good! I'm glad--particularly glad you've found something new and
+startling," responded the other. "Well, what is it?"
+
+"Great!--wonderful!--_Carrier Pigeons!_"
+
+"What! Pigeons?"
+
+"_Pigeons!_"
+
+"You don't pretend to say that--"
+
+"Yes, sir, all arranged--luckiest fellows alive, we are--"
+
+"Well, but--"
+
+"Oh, don't be uneasy--I fixed it."
+
+"Well, I'm hanged if this isn't rich!" muttered his partner, sticking
+his digits into his trowserloons--biting his lips and stamping around.
+
+"Rich! _elegant!_ In two weeks we'll be flying our birds and--"
+
+"Flying! Why, do you--"
+
+"Ha! ha! I knew I'd astonish you; Tom insisted on my keeping perfectly
+_mum_, until things were in regular working order; he then set the boys
+to work--we have large cages on top of the building--"
+
+"Come up on top of this building," said the partner, solemnly. "There,
+do you see that bundle of laths and stuff?"
+
+"Why--why, you don't pretend to say that--"
+
+"I do exactly; a scamp came along here a week ago--talked nothing but
+Carrier Pigeons--Pigeon Expresses--I thought I'd surprise you, and--"
+
+"Well, well--go on."
+
+"And by thunder I was green enough to give the fellow $200--a horse and
+wagon--"
+
+"Done! _done!_" roared the other, without waiting for further
+particulars--"$200 and a horse and wagon--just what Tom and I gave the
+scamp! ha! ha! ha!"
+
+"Haw! haw! haw!" and the publishers roared under the force of the
+_joke_.
+
+Whatever became of the pigeon express man is not distinctly known; but
+he is supposed to have given up the bird business, and gone into the
+manufacture of woolly horses and cod-liver oil.
+
+
+
+
+Jipson's Great Dinner Party.
+
+
+"Well, you must do it."
+
+"Do it?"
+
+"Do it, sir," reiterated the lady of Jipson, a man well enough to _do_
+in the world, chief clerk of a "sugar baker," and receiving his twenty
+hundred dollars a year, with no perquisites, however, and--plenty of New
+Hampshire contingencies, (to quote our beloved man of the million,
+Theodore Parker,) poor relations.
+
+"But, my dear Betsey, do you _know_, will you consider for once, that to
+_do_ a thing of the kind--to splurge out like Tannersoil, one must
+expect--at least I do--to sink a full _quarter_ of my salary, for the
+current year; yes, a full quarter?"
+
+"Oh! very well, if you are going to live up here" (Jipson had just moved
+up above "Bleecker street,")--"and bought your carriage, and
+engaged----"
+
+"Two extra servant girls," chimed in Jipson.
+
+"And a groom, sir," continued Mrs. J.
+
+"And gone into at least six hundred to eight hundred dollars a year
+extra expenses, to--a----"
+
+"To gratify yourself, and--a----"
+
+"Your--a--a--your vanity, Madam, you should have said, my dear."
+
+"Don't talk that way to me--to me--you brute; you know----"
+
+"I know all about it, my dear."
+
+"_My dear_--bah!" said the lady; "my _dear!_ save that, Mr. Jipson, for
+some of your--a--a----"
+
+What Mrs. J. might have said, we scarce could judge; but Jipson just
+then put in a "rejoinder" calculated to prevent the umpullaceous tone of
+Mrs. J.'s remarks, by saying, in a very humble strain--
+
+"Mrs. Jipson, don't make an ass of yourself: we are too old to act like
+goslings, and too well acquainted, I hope, with the matters-of-fact of
+every-day life, to quarrel about things beyond our reach or control."
+
+"If you talk of things beyond your control, Mr. Jipson, I mean beyond
+your reach, that your income will not permit us to live as other people
+live----"
+
+"I wouldn't like to," interposed Jipson.
+
+"What?" asked Mrs. Jipson.
+
+"Live like other people--that is, some people, Mrs. Jipson, that I know
+of."
+
+"You don't suppose _I'm_ going to bury myself and my poor girls in this
+big house, and have those servants standing about me, their fingers in
+their mouths, with nothing to do but----"
+
+"But what?"
+
+"But cook, and worry, and slave, and keep shut up for a----"
+
+"For what?"
+
+"For a--a----"
+
+But Mrs. J. was stuck. Jipson saw that; he divined what a _point_ Mrs.
+J. was about to, but could not conscientiously make, so he relieved her
+with--
+
+"My dear Betsey, it's a popular fallacy, an exploded idea, a
+contemptible humbug, to live merely for your neighbors, the rabble world
+at large. Thousands do it, my dear, and I've no objection to their doing
+it; it's their own business, and none of mine. I have moved up town
+because I thought it would be more pleasant; I bought a modest kind of
+family carriage because I could afford it, and believed it would add to
+our recreations and health; the carriage and horses required care; I
+engaged a man to attend to them, fix up the garden, and be useful
+generally, and added a girl or two to your domestic departments, in
+order to lighten your own cares, &c. Now, all this, my dear woman, you
+ought to know, rests a very important responsibility upon my shoulders,
+health, life, and--two thousand dollars a year, and if you imagine it
+compatible with common sense, or consonant with my judgment, to make an
+ass or fool of myself, by going into the extravagances and tom-fooleries
+of Tannersoil, our neighbor over the way, who happens for the time to be
+'under government,' with a salary of nothing to speak of, but with
+stealings equal to those of a successful freebooter, you--you--you have
+placed a--a bad estimate upon my common sense, Madam."
+
+With this flaring burst of eloquence, Jipson seized his hat, gloves and
+cane, and soon might be seen an elderly, natty, well-shaved,
+slightly-flushed gentleman taking his seat in a down town bound _bus_,
+en route for the sugar bakery of the firm of Cutt, Comeagain, & Co. It
+was evident, however, from the frequency with which Jipson plied his
+knife and rubber to his "figgers" of the day's accounts, and the
+tremulousness with which he drove the porcupine quill, that Jipson was
+thinking of something else!
+
+"Mr. Jipson, I wish you'd square up that account of Look, Sharp, & Co.,
+to-day," said Mr. Cutt, entering the counting room.
+
+"All folly!" said Jipson, scratching out a mistake from his day-book,
+and not heeding the remark, though he saw the person of his employer.
+
+"Eh?" was the ejaculation of Cutt.
+
+"All folly!"
+
+"I don't understand you, sir!" said Cutt, in utter astonishment.
+
+"Oh! I beg pardon, sir," said poor Jipson; "I beg pardon, sir. Engrossed
+in a little affair of my own, I quite overlooked your observation. I
+will attend to the account of Look, Sharp, & Co., at once, sir;" and
+while Jipson was at it, his employer went out, wondering what in faith
+could be the matter with Jipson, a man whose capacity and gentlemanly
+deportment the firm had tested to their satisfaction for many years
+previous. The little _incident_ was mentioned to the partner, Comeagain.
+The firm first laughed, then wondered what was up to disturb the usual
+equilibrium of Jipson, and ended by hoping he hadn't taken to drink or
+nothing!
+
+"Guess I'd better do it," soliloquizes Jipson. "My wife is a good woman
+enough, but like most women, lets her vanity trip up her common sense,
+now and then; she feels cut down to know that Tannersoil's folks are
+plunging out with dinners and evening parties, troops of company, piano
+going, and bawling away their new fol-de-rol music. Yes, guess I'll do
+it.
+
+"Mrs. Jipson little calculates the horrors--not only in a pecuniary, but
+domestic sense--that these dinners, suppers and parties to the rag-tag
+and bobtail, cost many honest-meaning people, who _ought_ to be ashamed
+of them.
+
+"But, I'll do it, if it costs me the whole quarter's salary!"
+
+A few days were sufficient to concoct details and arrange the programme.
+When Mrs. Jipson discovered, as she vainly supposed, the prevalence of
+"better sense" on the part of her husband, she was good as cranberry
+tart, and flew around in the best of humor, to hurry up the event that
+was to give _eclat_ to the new residence and family of the Jipsons,
+slightly dim the radiance or mushroom glory of the Tannersoil family,
+and create a commotion generally--above Bleecker street!
+
+Jipson _drew_ on his employers, for a quarter's salary. The draft was
+honored, of course, but it led to some _speculation_ on the part of "the
+firm," as to what Jipson was up to, and whether he wasn't getting into
+evil habits, and decidedly bad economy in his old age. Jipson talked,
+Mrs. Jipson talked. Their almost--in fact, Mrs. J., like most ambitious
+mothers, thought, _really_--marriageable daughters dreamed and talked
+dinner parties for the full month, ere the great event of their lives
+came duly off.
+
+One of the seeming difficulties was who to invite--who to get to come,
+and _where_ to get them! Now, originally, the Jipsons were from the
+"Hills of New Hampshire, of poor but respectable" birth. Fifteen years
+in the great metropolis had not created a very extensive acquaintance
+among solid folks; in fact, New York society fluctuates, ebbs and flows
+at such a rate, that society--such as domestic people might recognize as
+unequivocally genteel--is hard to fasten to or find. But one of the Miss
+Jipsons possessed an acquaintance with a Miss Somebody else, whose
+brother was a young gentleman of very _distingue_ air, and who knew the
+entire "ropes" of fashionable life, and people who enjoyed that sort of
+existence in the gay metropolis.
+
+Mr. Theophilus Smith, therefore, was eventually engaged. It was his, as
+many others' vocation, to arrange details, command the feast, select the
+company, and control the coming event. The Jipsons confined their
+invitations to the few, very few genteel of the family, and even the
+diminutiveness of the number invited was decimated by Mr. Smith, who was
+permitted to review the parties invited.
+
+Few domiciles--of civilian, "above Bleecker st.,"--were better
+illuminated, set off and detailed than that of Jipson, on the evening of
+the ever-memorable dinner. Smith had volunteered to "engage" a whole set
+of silver from Tinplate & Co., who generously offer our ambitious
+citizens such opportunities to splurge, for a fair consideration; while
+china, porcelain, a dozen colored waiters in white aprons, with six
+plethoric fiddlers and tooters, were also in Smith's programme. Jipson
+at first was puzzled to know where he could find volunteers to fill two
+dozen chairs, but when night came, Mr. Theophilus Smith, by force of
+tactics truly wonderful, drummed in a force to face a gross of plates,
+napkins and wine glasses.
+
+Mrs. Jipson was evidently astonished, the Misses J. not a little vexed
+at the "raft" of elegant ladies present, and the independent manner in
+which they monopolized attention and made themselves at home.
+
+Jipson swore inwardly, and looked like "a sorry man." Smith was at home,
+in his element; he was head and foot of the party. Himself and friends
+soon led and ruled the feast. The band struck up; the corks flew, the
+wine _fizzed_, the ceilings were spattered, and the walls tattooed with
+Burgundy, Claret and Champagne!
+
+"To our host!" cries Smith.
+
+"Yes--ah! 'ere's--ah! to our a--our host!" echoes another swell, already
+insolently "corned."
+
+"Where the--a--where is our worthy host?" says another specimen of
+"above Bleecker street" genteel society. "I--a say, trot out your host,
+and let's give the old fellow a toast!"
+
+"Ha! ha! b-wavo! b-wavo!" exclaimed a dozen shot-in-the-neck bloods,
+spilling their wine over the carpets, one another, and table covers.
+
+"This is intolerable!" gasps poor Jipson, who was in the act of being
+kept _cool_ by his wife, in the drawing-room.
+
+"Never mind, Jipson----"
+
+"Ah! there's the old fellaw!" cries one of the swells.
+
+"I-ah--say, Mister----"
+
+"Old roostaw, I say----"
+
+"Gentlemen!" roars Jipson, rushing forward, elevating his voice and
+fists.
+
+"For heaven's sake! Jipson," cries the wife.
+
+"Gentlemen, or bla'guards, as you are."
+
+"Oh! oh! Jipson, will you hear me?" imploringly cries Mrs. Jipson.
+
+"What--ah--are you at? Does he--ah----"
+
+"Yes, what--ah--does old Jip say?"
+
+"Who the deuce, old What's-your-name, do you call gentlemen?" chimes in
+a third.
+
+"Bla'guards!" roars Jipson.
+
+"Oh, veri well, veri well, old fellow, we--ah--are--ah--to blame
+for--ah--patronizing a snob," continues a swell.
+
+"A what?" shouts Jipson.
+
+"A plebeian!"
+
+"A codfish--ah----"
+
+"Villains! scoundrels! bla'guards!" shouts the outraged Jipson, rushing
+at the intoxicated swells, and hitting right and left, upsetting chairs,
+tables, and lamps.
+
+"Murder!" cries a knocked down guest.
+
+"E-e-e-e-e-e!" scream the ladies.
+
+"Don't! E-e-e-e! don't kill my father!" screams the daughter.
+
+Chairs and hats flew; the negro servants and Dutch fiddlers, only
+engaged for the occasion, taking no interest in a free fight, and not
+caring two cents who whipped, laid back and--
+
+"Yaw! ha! ha! De lor'! Yaw! ha! ha!"
+
+Mrs. Jipson fainted; ditto two others of the family; the men folks (!)
+began to travel; the ladies (!) screamed; called for their hats, shawls,
+and _chaperones_,--the most of the latter, however, were _non est_, or
+too well "set up," to heed the common state of affairs.
+
+Jipson finally cleared the house. Silence reigned within the walls for a
+week. In the interim, Mrs. Jipson and the daughters not only got over
+their hysterics, but ideas of gentility, as practised "above Bleecker
+street." It took poor Jipson an entire year to recuperate his financial
+"outs," while it took the whole family quite as long to get over their
+grand debut as followers of fashion in the great metropolis.
+
+
+
+
+Look out for them Lobsters.
+
+
+Deacon ----, who resides in a pleasant village inside of an hour's ride
+upon Fitchburg road, rejoices in a fondness for the long-tailed
+_crustacea_, vulgarly known as lobsters. And, from messes therewith
+fulminated, by _some_ of our professors of gastronomics that we have
+seen, we do not attach any wonder at all to the deacon's penchant for
+the aforesaid shell-fish. The deacon had been disappointed several times
+by assertions of the lobster merchants, who, in their overwhelming zeal
+to effect a sale, had been a little too sanguine of the precise _time_
+said lobsters were caught and boiled; hence, after lugging home a ten
+pound specimen of the vasty deep, miles out into the quiet country, the
+deacon was often sorely vexed to find the lobster no better than it
+should be!
+
+"Why don't you get them alive, deacon?" said a friend,--"get them alive
+and kicking, deacon; boil them yourself; be sure of their freshness, and
+have them cooked more carefully and properly."
+
+"Well said," quoth the deacon; "so I can, for they sell them, I observe,
+near the depot,--right out of the boat. I'm much obliged for the
+notion."
+
+The next visit of the good deacon to Boston,--as he was about to return
+home, he goes to the bridge and bargains for two live lobsters, fine,
+active, lusty-clawed fellows, alive and kicking, and no mistake!
+
+"But what will I do with them?" says the deacon to the purveyor of the
+_crustacea_, as he gazed wistfully upon the two sprawling, ugly, green
+and scratching lobsters, as they lay before him upon the planks at his
+feet.
+
+"Do with 'em?" responded the lobster merchant,--"why, bile 'em and eat
+'em! I bet you a dollar you never ate better lobsters 'n them, nohow,
+mister!"
+
+The deacon looked anxiously and innocently at the speaker, as much as to
+say--"you don't say so?"
+
+"I mean, friend, how shall I get them home?"
+
+"O," says the lobster merchant, "that's easy enough; here, Saul," says
+he, calling up a frizzle-headed lad in blue pants--_sans_ hat or boots,
+and but one _gallows_ to his breeches, "here, you, light upon these
+lobsters and carry 'em home for this old gentleman."
+
+"Goodness, bless you," says the deacon; "why friend, I reside ten miles
+out in the country!"
+
+"O, the blazes you do!" says the lobster merchant; "well, I tell you,
+Saul can carry 'em to the cars for you in this 'ere bag, if you're goin'
+out?"
+
+"Truly, he can," quoth the deacon; "and Saul can go right along with
+me."
+
+The lobsters were dashed into a piece of Manilla sack, thrown across the
+shoulders of the juvenile Saul, and away they went at the heels of the
+deacon, to the depot; here Saul dashed down the "poor creturs" until
+their bones or shells rattled most piteously, and as the deacon handed a
+"three cent piece" to Saul, the long and wicked claw of one of the
+lobsters protruded out of the bag--opened and shut with a _clack_, that
+made the deacon shudder!
+
+"Those fellows are plaguy awkward to handle, are they not, my son?" says
+the deacon.
+
+"Not _werry_," says the boy; "they can't bite, cos you see they's got
+pegs down here--_hallo!_" As Saul poked his hand down towards the big
+claw lying partly out of the open-mouthed bag, the claw opened, and
+_clacked_ at his fingers, ferocious as a mad dog.
+
+"His peg's out," said the boy--"and I can't fasten it; but here's a
+chunk of twine; tie the bag and they can't get out, any how, and you
+kin put 'em into yer pot right out of the bag."
+
+"Yes, yes," says the deacon; "I guess I will take care of them; bring
+them here; there, just place the bag right in under my seat; so, that
+will do."
+
+Presently the cars began to fill up, as the minute of departure
+approached, and soon every seat around the worthy deacon was occupied.
+By-and-by, "a middle-aged lady," in front of the deacon, began to
+_fussle_ about and twist around, as if anxious to arrange the great
+amplitude of her _drapery_, and look after something "bothering" her
+feet. In front of the lady, sat a _slab_-sided _genus_ dandy, fat as a
+match and quite as good looking; between his legs sat a pale-face dog,
+with a flashing collar of brass and tinsel, quite as gaudy as his
+master's neck-choker; this canine gave an awful--
+
+"_Ihk!_ ow, yow! yow-oo--yow, ook! yow! _yow!_ YOW!"
+
+"Lor' a massy!" cries the woman in front of the deacon, jumping up, and
+making a desperate splurge to get up on to the seats, and in the effort
+upsetting sundry bundles and parcels around her!
+
+"Yow-_ook!_ Yow-_ook!_" yelled the dog, jumping clear out of the grasp
+of the juvenile _Mantillini_, and dashing himself on to the head and
+shoulders of the next seat occupants, one of whom was a sturdy civilized
+Irishman, who made "no bones" in grasping the sickly-looking dog, and to
+the horror and alarm of the entire female party present, he sung out:
+
+"Whur-r-r ye about, ye brute! Is the divil _mad_?"
+
+"Eee! Ee! O dear! O! O!" cries an anxious mother.
+
+"O! O! O-o-o! save us from the dog!" cries another.
+
+"Whur-r-r-r! ye _divil!_" cries the Irish gintilman, pinning the poor
+dog down between the seats, with a force that extracted another glorious
+yell.
+
+"Ike! Ike! Ike! oo, ow! ow! Ike! Ike! Ike!"
+
+"Murder! mur-r-r-der!" bawls another victim in the rear of the deacon,
+leaping up in his seat, and rubbing his leg vigorously.
+
+"What on airth's loose?" exclaims one.
+
+"Halloo! what's that?" cries another, hastily vacating his seat and
+crowding towards the door.
+
+"O dear, O! O!" anxiously cries a delicate young lady.
+
+"What? who? where?" screamed a dozen at once.
+
+"Good _conscience!_" exclaims the deacon, as he dropped his newspaper,
+in the midst of the din--noise and confusion; and with a most singular
+and spasmodic effort to dance a "_high_land fling," he hustled out of
+his seat, exclaiming:
+
+"Good conscience, I really believe they're out."
+
+"Eh? What--what's out?" cries one.
+
+"Snakes!" echoes an old gentleman, grasping a cane.
+
+"Snappin' turtles, Mister?" inquire several.
+
+"Snakes!" cried a dozen.
+
+"Snappers!" echoes a like quantity of the dismayed.
+
+"Snapper-r-r-r-rs!"
+
+"Snake-e-e-es!" O what a din!
+
+"Halloo! here, what's all this? What's the matter?" says the conductor,
+coming to the rescue.
+
+"That man's got snakes in the car!" roar several at once.
+
+"And snappin' turtles, too, consarn him!" says one, while all eyes were
+directed, tongues wagging, and hands gesticulating furiously at the
+astonished deacon.
+
+"Take care of them! Take care of them! I believe I'm bitten clear
+through my boot--catch them, Mr. Swallow!" cries the deacon.
+
+"Swallow 'em, Mr. Catcher!" echoes the frightened dandy.
+
+"What? where?" says the excited conductor, looking around.
+
+"Here, here, in under these seats, sir,--_my lobsters, sir_," says the
+deacon, standing aloof to let the conductor and the man with the cane
+get at the _reptiles_, as the latter insisted.
+
+"Darn 'em, are they only lobsters!"
+
+"Pooh! Lobsters!" says young Mantillini, with a mock heroic shrug of his
+shoulders, and looking fierce as two cents!
+
+"Come out here!" says the conductor, feeling for them.
+
+"Take care!" says the deacon, "the plaguy things have got their pins
+out!"
+
+"Why, they are _alive_, and crawling around; hear the old fellow,--take
+care, Mr. Swaller--he's cross as sin!" says the man with the
+cane--"wasn't that a _snap_? Take care! You got him?" that indefatigable
+assistant continued, rattling his tongue and cane.
+
+"I've got them!" cries the conductor.
+
+"Put them in the bag, here, sir," says the deacon.
+
+"Take them out of this car!" cries everybody.
+
+"Plaguy things," says the deacon. "I sha'n't never buy another _live
+lobster!_"
+
+Order was restored, passengers took their seats, but when young
+Mantillini looked for his dog, he had vamosed with the _Irishman_, at
+"the last stopping place," in his excitement, leaving a quart jug of
+whiskey in lieu of the dandy's dog.
+
+
+
+
+The Fitzfaddles at Hull.
+
+
+"Well, well, drum no more about it, for mercy's sake; if you must go,
+you must _go_, that's all."
+
+"Yes, just like you, Fitzfaddle"--pettishly reiterates the lady of the
+middle-aged man of business; "mention any thing that would be gratifying
+to the children--"
+
+"The children--_umph!_"
+
+"Yes, the children; only mention taking the dear, tied-up souls to,
+to--to the Springs--"
+
+"_Haven't_ they been to Saratoga? _Didn't_ I spend a month of my
+precious time and a thousand of my precious dollars there, four years
+ago, to be physicked, cheated, robbed, worried, starved, and--laughed
+at?" Fitzfaddle responds.
+
+"Or, to the sea-side--" continued the lady.
+
+"Sea-side! good conscience!" exclaims Fitzfaddle; "my dear Sook--"
+
+"Don't call me _Sook_, Fitzfaddle; _Sook!_ I'm not _in_ the kitchen, nor
+_of_ the kitchen, you'll please remember, Fitzfaddle!" said the lady,
+with evident feeling.
+
+"O," echoed Fitz, "God bless me, Mrs. Fitzfaddle, don't be so rabid;
+don't be foolish, in your old days; my dear, we've spent the happiest of
+our days in the kitchen; when we were first married, _Susan_, when our
+whole stock in trade consisted of five ricketty chairs--"
+
+"Well, that's enough about it--" interposed the lady.
+
+"A plain old pine breakfast table--" continued Fitz.
+
+"I'd stop, just THERE--" scowlingly said Mrs. Fitz.
+
+"My father's old chest, and your mother's old corner cupboard--"
+persevered the indefatigable monster.
+
+"I'd go through the whole inventory--" angrily cried Mrs. Fitz--"clean
+down to--"
+
+"The few broken pots, pans, and dishes we had--"
+
+"Don't you--_don't you feel ashamed of yourself_?" exclaims Mrs. Fitz,
+about as full of anger as she could well contain; but Fitz keeps the
+even tenor of his way.
+
+"Not at all, my dear; Heaven forbid that I should ever forget a jot of
+the real happiness of any portion of my life. When you and I, dear Sook
+(an awful scowl, and a sudden change of her position, on her costly
+rocking chair. Fitz looked askance at Mrs. Fitz, and proceeded); when
+you and I, _Susan_, lived in Dowdy's little eight by ten 'blue frame,'
+down in Pigginsborough; not a yard of carpet, or piece of mahogany, or
+silver, or silk, or satin, or flummery of any sort, the five old
+chairs--"
+
+"Good conscience! are you going to have that over again?" cries Mrs.
+Fitz, with the utmost chagrin.
+
+"The old white pine table--"
+
+Mrs. Fitz starts in horror.
+
+"My father's old chest, and your mother's old corner cupboard!"
+
+Mrs. Fitz, in an agony, walks the floor!
+
+"The few broken or cracked pots, pans and dishes, we had--"
+
+Nature quite "gin eout"--the exhausted Mrs. Fitzfaddle throws herself
+down upon the sumptuous _conversazione_, and absorbs her grief in the
+ample folds of a lace-wrought handkerchief (bought at Warren's--cost the
+entire profits of ten quintals of Fitzfaddle & Co.'s A No. 1 cod!),
+while the imperturbable Fitz drives on--
+
+"Your mother's old cooking stove, Susan--the time and again, Susan, I've
+sat in that little kitchen--"
+
+Mrs. Fitzfaddle shudders all over. Each reminiscence, so dear to
+Fitzfaddle, seems a dagger to her.
+
+"With little Nanny--"
+
+"You--you brute! You--you vulgar--you--you Fitzfaddle. Nanny! to call
+your daughter N-Nanny!"
+
+"Nanny! why, yes, Nanny--" says the matter-of-fact head of the firm of
+Fitzfaddle & Co. "I believe we did intend to call the girl Nancy; we
+_did_ call her Nanny, Mrs. Fitzfaddle; but, like all the rest, by your
+innovations, things have kept changing no better fast. I believe my soul
+that girl has had five changes in her name before you concluded it was
+up to the highest point of modern respectability. From Nancy you had it
+Nannette, from Nannette to Ninna, from Ninna to Naomi, and finally it
+was rested at Anna Antoinette De Orville Fitzfaddle! Such a mess of
+nonsense to _handle_ my plain name."
+
+"Anna Antoinette De Orville"--said Mrs. Fitz, suddenly rallying, "_is_ a
+name, only made _plain_ by your ugly and countryfied prefix. De Orville
+is a name," said the lady.
+
+"I should like to know," said the old gentleman, "upon what pretext,
+Mrs. Fitzfaddle, you lay claim to such a Frenchy and flighty name or
+title as De Orville?"
+
+"Wasn't it my family name, you brute?" cried Mrs. Fitz.
+
+"Ho! ho! ho! Sook, Sook, _Sook_," says Fitzfaddle.
+
+"_Sook!_" almost screams Mrs. Fitz.
+
+"Yes, _Sook_, Sook _Scovill_, daughter of a good old-fashioned,
+patriotic farmer--_Timothy Scovill_, of Tanner's Mills, in the county of
+Tuggs--down East. And when I married Sook (Mrs. Fitz jumped up, a
+rustling of silk is heard--a door slams, and the old gentleman finishes
+his domestic narrative, _solus!_), she was as fine a gal as the State
+ever produced. We were poor, and we knew it; wasn't discouraged or put
+out, on the account of our poverty. We started in the world square;
+happy as clams, nothing but what was useful around us; it is a happy
+reflection to look back upon those old chairs, pine table, my father's
+old chest, and Sook's mother's old corner cupboard--the cracked pots
+and pans--the old stove--Sook as ruddy and bright as a full-blown rose,
+as she bent over the hot stove in our parlor, dining room, and
+kitchen--turning her slap-jacks, frying, baking and boiling, and I often
+by her side, with our first child, Nanny, on my--"
+
+"Well, I hope by this time you're over your vulgar Pigginsborough
+recollections, Fitzfaddle!" exclaims Mrs. Fitz, re-entering the parlor.
+
+"I was just concluding, my dear, the happy time when I sat and read to
+you, or held Nanny, while you--"
+
+"Fitzfaddle, for goodness' sake--"
+
+"While you--ruddy and bright, my dear, as the full-blown rose, bent over
+your mother's old cook stove--"
+
+"Are you crazy, Fitz, or do you want to craze me?" cried the really
+_tried_ woman.
+
+"Turning your slap-jacks," continues Fitz, suiting the action to the
+word.
+
+"Fitzfaddle!" cries Mrs. Fitz, in the most sublimated paroxysm of pity
+and indignation, but Fitz let it come.
+
+"_While I dandled Nanny on my knee!_"
+
+A pause ensues; Fitzfaddle, in contemplation of the past, and Mrs. Fitz
+fortifying herself for the opening of a campaign to come. At length,
+after a deal of "dicker," Fitz remembering only the bad dinners, small
+rooms, large bills, sick, parboiled state of the children, clash and
+clamor of his trips to the Springs, sea-side and mountain resorts; and
+Mrs. Fitz dwelling over the strong opposition (show and extravagance)
+she had run against the many ambitious shop-keepers' wives, tradesmen's,
+lawyers' and doctors' daughters--Mrs. Fitz gained her point, and the
+family,--Mrs. Fitz, the two now marriageable daughters--Anna Antoinette
+De Orville, and Eugenia Heloise De Orville, and Alexander Montressor De
+Orville, and two servants--start in style, for the famed city of Hull!
+
+It was yet early in the season, and Fitzfaddle had secured, upon
+accommodating terms, rooms &c., of Mrs. Fitzfaddle's own choosing. With
+the diplomacy of five prime ministers, and with all the pride, pomp and
+circumstance of a fine-looking woman of two-and-forty,--husband rich,
+and indulgent at that; armed with two "marriageable daughters," you
+may--if at all familiar with life at a "watering-place," fancy Mrs.
+Fitzfaddle's feelings, and perhaps, also, about a third of the _swarth_
+she cut. The first evident opposition Mrs. Fitz encountered, was from
+the wife of a wine merchant. This lady made her _entree_ at ---- House,
+with a pair of bays and "body servant," two poodles, and an immensity of
+band boxes, patent leather trunks, and--her husband. The first day Mrs.
+Oldport sat at table, her new style of dress, and her European jewels,
+were the afternoon talk; but at tea, the Fitzfaddles _spread_, and Mrs.
+Oldport was bedimmed, easy; the next day, however, "turned up" an
+artist's wife and daughter, whose unique elegance of dress and
+proficiency in music took down the entire collection! Mrs. Michael
+Angelo Smythe and daughter captivated two of Mrs. Fitzfaddle's
+"circle"--a young naval gent and a 'quasi Southern planter, much to her
+chagrin and Fitzfaddle's pecuniary suffering; for next evening Mrs. F.
+got up,--to get back her two recruits--a grand private _hop_, at a cost
+of $130! And the close of the week brought such a cloud of beauty,
+jewels, marriageable daughters and ambitious mothers, wives, &c., that
+Mrs. Fitzfaddle got into such a worry with her diplomatic arrangements,
+her competitions, stratagems,--her fuss, her jewels, silks, satins and
+feathers, that a nervous-headache preceded a typhus fever, and the
+unfortunate lady was forced to retire from the field of her glory at the
+end of the third week, entirely prostrated; and poor Jonas Fitzfaddle
+out of pocket--more or less--_five hundred dollars!_ The last we heard
+of Fitzfaddle, he was apostrophizing the good old times when he rejoiced
+in five old chairs--cook stove--slap-jacks, &c.!
+
+
+
+
+Putting Me on a Platform!
+
+
+Human nature doubtless has a great many weak points, and no few bipeds
+have a great itching after notoriety and fame. Fame, I am credibly
+informed, is not unlike a greased pig, always hard chased, but too
+eternal slippery for every body to hold on to! I have never cared a
+tinker's curse for glory myself; the satisfaction of getting quietly
+along, while in pursuit of bread, comfort and knowledge, has sufficed to
+engross my individual attention; but I've often "had my joke" by
+observing the various grand dashes made by cords of folks, from snob to
+nob, patrician to plebeian, in their gyrations to form a circle, in
+which they might be the centre pin! This desire, or feeling, is a part
+and parcel of human nature; you will observe it every where--among the
+dusky and man-eating citizens of the Fejee Islands--the dog-eating
+population of China--the beef-eaters of England, and their descendants,
+ye _Yankoos_ of the new world; all, all have a tendency for lionization.
+
+This very _innocent_ pastime finds a great many supporters, too;
+toadyism is the main prop that sustains and exalteth the vain glory of
+man; if you can only get a _toady_--the _more_ the better--you can the
+sooner and firmer fix your digits upon the greased pig of fame; but as
+thrift must always follow fawning, or toadyism, it is most essentially
+necessary that you be possessed of a greater or lesser quantity of the
+goods and chattels of this world, or some kind of tangible effects, to
+grease the wheels of your emollient supporters; otherwise you will soon
+find all your air-built castles, dignity and glory, dissolve into mere
+gas, and your stern in the gravel immediately.
+
+Such is the pursuit of glory, and such its supporters, their gas and
+human weakness. I have said that I never sought distinction, but I have
+had it thrust upon me more than once, and the last effort of the kind
+was so particularly _salubrious_, that I must relate to you,
+_confidentially_ of course, how it came about.
+
+When I first came to Boston, as a matter of course, I spent much of my
+time in surveying "the lions," dipping into this, and peeping into that;
+promenading the Common and climbing the stupendous stairway of Bunker
+Hill; ransacking the forts, islands, beautiful Auburn, &c., &c.
+
+Finally, I went into the State House, but as this notable building was
+undergoing some repairs, placards were tacked up about the doors,
+prohibiting persons from strolling about the capitol. The attendant was
+very polite, and told me, and several others desirous to see the
+building inside, that if we called in the course of a few days, we could
+be gratified, but for the present no one but those engaged about the
+work, were allowed to enter. I persisted so closely in my desire to
+examine the interior, while on the spot, that the man, when the rest of
+the visitors had gone, relented, and I was not only allowed to see what
+I should see, but he _toted_ me "round."
+
+We sauntered into the Assembly Chamber, surveyed and learned all the
+particulars of that, peered into the side-rooms, closets, &c., and then
+came to the Senate Chamber. This you know is something finer than the
+country meeting house, or circus-looking Assembly Chamber, where the
+"fresh-men," or green members from Hard-Scrabble, Hull, Squantum,
+etc.,--incipient Demostheneses, and sucking Ciceros, first tap their
+gasometers "in the haouse." Here I found the venerable pictures of the
+ancient _mugs_, who have figured as Governors, &c., of the commonwealth,
+from the days of Puritan Winthrop to the ever-memorable Morton, who,
+strange as it may appear, was really elected Governor, though a
+double-distilled Democrat. Bucklers, swords, drums and muskets, that
+doubtless rattled and banged away upon Bunker Hill, were duly, carefully
+and critically examined, and as a finale to my debut in the Senate, I
+mounted the Speaker's stand, and spouted about three feet of Webster's
+first oration at Bunker Hill. To be sure, my audience was _small_, but
+_it_ was duly attentive, and as I waved my hands aloft, and thumped my
+ribs, after the most approved system of patriotic vehemence of the day,
+he--my audience--opened his mouth, and stretched his eyes to the size of
+dinner plates, at my prodigious slaps at eloquence; the very ears of the
+_canvased_ governors seemed pricked up, and I descended the stand big as
+Mogul, insinuated "a quarter" into the palm of the polite attendant,
+informed him I should call in a few days to take a view from the top of
+the dome, &c. He bowed and I took myself off.
+
+Several days afterwards I found myself in the vicinity of the State
+House; so, thinks I, I'll just drop in, and go up to the top of the dome
+and get a view of the city and suburbs.
+
+My chaperon was on hand, and he no sooner clapped eyes upon me, than he
+pitched into all manner of highfernooten flub-dubs, bowed and scraped,
+and regretted that the day was so misty and dull, as I would not be
+enabled to have half a chance to get a view.
+
+"I wouldn't try it to-day, sir," said he.
+
+"What's the reason?" asked I.
+
+"Oh," replied he, "you'll not see half the outline of the city and the
+villages around, and you'll want to get them all down distinct."
+
+"Get them all _down_ distinct?" quoth I.
+
+"Yes, sir; and the day is so dull and cloudy that you'll not see half
+the prominent buildings, never mind the whole of the former and not so
+easily seen houses. You intend taking a full view, don't you, sir?"
+
+"Why, yes, I would like to," says I, partly lost to conceive what caused
+such a sudden and unaccountable ebullition of the man's great interest
+in my getting "a first rate notice" of matters and things from the top
+of the capitol! But up I went, in spite of my attentive friend's fears
+of my not getting quite so clear and distinct a view as he could wish.
+Having gratified myself with such a view as the weather and the height
+of the capitol afforded (and in clear weather you can get far the best
+survey of Boston and the environs from the top of the State House than
+from any other promontory about), I descended again. At the foot of the
+stairway my assiduous cicerone again beset me, introduced several other
+miscellaneous-looking chaps to me, and, in short, was making of me, why
+or wherefore I knew not, quite a lion!
+
+"Well, sir," said he, "what do you think of it, sir? Could you get the
+outline?"
+
+"Not very well," said I, "but the view is very fine."
+
+"O, yes, sir," said he; "but as soon as you wish to begin, sir, let me
+know, and I'll lock the upper doors when you go up, and you'll not be
+disturbed, sir."
+
+"Lock the doors?" said I, in some amazement.
+
+"Yes, sir," quoth he, "but it would be best to come as early in the
+morning as possible, or, if convenient, before the visitors begin to
+come up; they'd disturb you, you know!"
+
+"Disturb _me!_ Why, I don't know how they would do that?"
+
+"Why, sir, when Mr. Smith--you know Mr. Smith, sir, I suppose?"
+
+"Why, yes; the name strikes me as _somewhat_ familiar; do you refer to
+_John Smith_?" I observed, beginning to participate in the joke, which
+began to develop itself pretty distinctly.
+
+"Yes, sir; I believe his name is John--John R. Smith; he's a splendid
+artist, sir; _his_ sketch or panorama is a beauty! Sir! did you ever see
+his panorama?"
+
+"I think I did, in New York," I replied.
+
+By this time some dozen or two visitors had congregated around us, and I
+was the centre of a considerable circle, and from the whispers, and
+pointing of fingers, I felt duly sensible, that, great or small, I was a
+LION! Under what auspices, I was in too dense a fog to make out; to me
+it was an unaccountable mist'ry.
+
+"I'll tell you what I can do, sir," continued my toady; "I can have a
+small platform erected, outside of the cupola, for you, to place your
+_designs_ or sketches on, and you'll not be so liable to be disturbed.
+Mr. Smith, he had a platform made, sir."
+
+I beckoned the man to step aside, in the Senate Chamber.
+
+"Now, sir," said I, "you will please inform me, who the devil do you
+take me for?"
+
+"Oh, I knew who you were, the moment you came in, sir," said he, with a
+very knowing leer out of his half-squinting eyes.
+
+"Did you? Well then I must certainly give you credit for devilish keen
+perception; but, if it's a fair question," I continued, "what do you
+mean by fixing a platform for my _designs_? You don't think I'm going to
+fly, jump or deliver orations from the cupola, do you?"
+
+"No, I don't; but you're to draw a grand panorama of Boston, ain't you?"
+
+"ME?"
+
+"Yes, you; ain't your name Mr. Banvard?"
+
+"Oh, yes, yes--I understand--you've found me out, but keep dark--mum's
+the word--you understand?" said I, winkingly.
+
+"Yes, sir; I'll fix it all right; you'll want the platform outside, I
+guess."
+
+"Yes; out with it, and _keep dark until I come!_"
+
+I skeeted down them steps into the Common to let off my corked up
+risibilities.--Whether the man actually did prepare a platform for my
+designs, or whether Banvard ever went to take his designs there, I am
+unable to say, as I went South a few days afterward, and did not return
+for some time.
+
+
+
+
+The Exorbitancy of Meanness.
+
+
+Few _extravaganzas_ of man or woman lay such a heavy _stress_ upon the
+pocket-book or purse as meanness. This may seem paradoxical, but it's
+nothing of the kind. How many thousands to save a cent, walk a mile! How
+many to cut down expenses, cut off a thousand of the little "filling
+ins" which go to make us both happy and healthy! Jones refused to let
+his little boy run an errand for Johnson, and when Jones's house was in
+a blaze, Johnson forbid him touching his water to put it out. Smith by
+accident ran his wagon afoul of Peppers's cart, Peppers in revenge "cut
+away" at Smith's horse; horse ran away, broke the wagon, dislocated
+Smith's collar-bone; a suit at law followed, and Peppers being a mighty
+spunky, as well as a powerfully mean man, fought it out four years, and
+finally sunk every cent he had in the world by the slight transaction.
+It is a first-rate idea to be economical, but the man who sees and
+feels, and smells and tastes, entirely through his pocket-book, isn't
+worth cultivating an acquaintance with. Go in, marry money if you can,
+save up some, but don't cultivate meanness, for it never pays.
+
+
+
+
+"Taking Down" a Sheriff.
+
+
+Ex-honorable John Buck, once the "representative" of a _district_ out
+West, a lawyer originally, and finally a gentleman at large, and Jeremy
+Diddler generally, took up his quarters in Philadelphia, years ago, and
+putting himself upon his dignity, he managed for a time, _sans
+l'argent_, to live like a prince. Buck was what the world would call a
+devilish clever fellow; he was something of a scholar, with the
+smattering of a gentleman; good at off-hand dinner table oratory, good
+looking, and what never fails to take down the ladies, he wore hair
+enough about his countenance to establish two Italian grand dukes. Buck
+was "an awful blower," but possessed common-sense enough not to waste
+his _gas_-conade--ergo, he had the merit not to falsify to ye ancient
+falsifiers.
+
+The Honorable Mr. Buck's _manner_ of living not being "seconded" by a
+corresponding manner of _means_, he very frequently ran things in the
+ground, got in debt, head and heels. The Honorable Mr. B. had patronized
+a dealer in Spanish mantles, corduroys and opera vests, to the amount of
+some two hundred dollars; and, very naturally, ye fabricator of said
+cloth appurtenances for ye body, got mad towards the last, and
+threatened "the Western member" with a course of legal sprouts, unless
+he "showed cause," or came up and squared the yards. As Hon. John Buck
+had had frequent invitations to pursue such courses, and not being
+spiritually or personally inclined that way, he let the notice slide.
+
+Shears, the tailor, determined to put the Hon. John through; so he got
+out a writ of the savagest kind--arson, burglary and false
+pretence--and a deputy sheriff was soon on the taps to smoke the Western
+member out of his boots. Upon inquiring at the United States Hotel,
+where the honorable gentleman had been wont to "put up," they found he
+had vacated weeks before and gone to Yohe's Hotel. Thither, the next
+day, the deputy repaired, but old Mother Yohe--rest her soul!--informed
+the officer that the honorable gentleman had stepped out one morning, in
+a hurry like, and forgot to pay a small bill!
+
+John was next traced to the Marshall House, where he had left his mark
+and cleared for Sanderson's, where the indefatigable tailor and his
+terrier of the law, pursued the member, and learned that he had gone to
+Washington!
+
+"Done! by Jeems!" cried Shears.
+
+"Hold on," says the deputy, "hold on; he's not off; merely a dodge to
+get away from this house; we'll find him. Wait!"
+
+Shears did wait, so did the deputy sheriff, until other bills, amounting
+to a good round sum, were lodged at the Sheriff's office, and the very
+Sheriff himself took it in hand to nab the _cidevant_ M. C., and cause
+him to suffer a little for his country and his friends!
+
+Now, it so chanced that Sheriff F., who was a politician of popular
+renown--a good, jolly fellow--knew the Hon. Mr. Buck, having had "the
+pleasure of his acquaintance" some months previous, and having been
+_floored_ in a political argument with the "Western member," was
+inclined to be down upon him.
+
+"I'll snake him, I'll engage," says Sheriff F., as he thrust "the
+documents" into his pocket and proceeded to hunt up the transgressor.
+Accidentally, as it were, who should the Sheriff meet, turning a corner
+into the grand _trottoir_, Chestnut street, but our gallant hero of ye
+ballot-box in the rural districts, once upon a time!
+
+"Ah, ha-a-a! How are ye, Sheriff?" boisterously exclaims the Ex-M. C.,
+as familiarly as you please.
+
+"Ah, ha! Mr. Buck," says the Sheriff, "glad (?) to see you."
+
+"Fine day, Sheriff?"
+
+"Elegant, sir, _prime_," says the Sheriff.
+
+"What do you think of Mr. Jigger's speech on the Clam trade? Did you
+read Mr. Porkapog's speech on the widening of Jenkins's ditch?"
+
+For which general remarks on the affairs of the nation, Sheriff F. _put_
+some corresponding replies, and so they proceeded along until they
+approached a well-known dining saloon, then under the supervision of a
+burly Englishman; and, as it was about the time people dined, and the
+Sheriff being a man that liked a fat dinner and a fine bottle, about as
+well as any body, when the Hon. Mr. Buck proposed--
+
+"What say you, Sheriff, to a dinner and a bottle of old Sherry, at ----?
+We don't often meet (?), so let's sit down and have a quiet talk over
+things."
+
+"Well, Mr. Buck," says the Sheriff, "I would like to, just as soon as
+not, but I've got a disagreeable bit of business with you, and it would
+be hardly friendly to eat your dinner before apprizing you of the fact,
+sir."
+
+"Ah! Sheriff, what is it, pray?" says the somewhat alarmed Diddler;
+"nothing serious, of course?"
+
+"Oh, no, not serious, particularly; only a _writ_, Mr. Buck; a writ,
+that's all."
+
+"For my arrest?"
+
+"Your arrest, sir, on sight," says the Sheriff.
+
+"The deuce! What's the charge!"
+
+"Debt--false pretence--_swindling!_"
+
+"Ha! ha! that is a good one!" says the slight'y cornered Ex-M. C.;
+"well, hang it, Sheriff, don't let business spoil our digestion; come,
+let us dine, and then I'm ready for execution!" says the "Western
+member," with well affected gaiety.
+
+Stepping into a private room, they rang the bell, and a burly waiter
+appeared.
+
+"Now, Mr. F.," says the adroit Ex-M. C., "call for just what you like; I
+leave it to you, sir."
+
+"Roast ducks; what do you say, Buck?"
+
+"Good."
+
+"Oyster sauce and lobster salad?"
+
+"Good," again echoes the Ex-M. C.
+
+"And a--Well, waiter, you bring some of the best side dishes you have,"
+says the Sheriff.
+
+"Yes, sir," says the waiter, disappearing to fill the order.
+
+"What are you going to drink, Sheriff?" asks the honorable gent.
+
+"Oh! ah, yes! Waiter, bring us a bottle of Sherry; you take Sherry,
+Buck?"
+
+"Yes, I'll go Sherry."
+
+The Sherry was brought, and partly discussed by the time the dinner was
+spread.
+
+"They keep the finest Port here you ever tasted," says the Diddler.
+
+"Do they!" he responds; "well, suppose we try it?"
+
+A bottle of old Port was brought, and the two worthies sat back and
+really enjoyed themselves in the saloon of the sumptuously kept
+restaurant; they then drank and smoked, until sated nature cried enough,
+and the Sheriff began to think of business.
+
+"Suppose we top off with a fine bottle of English ale, Sheriff!"
+
+"Well, be it so; and then, Buck, we'll have to proceed to the office."
+
+"Waiter, bring me a couple of bottles of your English ale," says the
+Hon. Mr. Buck.
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"And I'll see to the bill, Sheriff, while the waiter brings the ale,"
+said the Ex-M. C., leaving the room "for a moment," to speak to the
+landlord.
+
+"Landlord," says the Diddler, "do you know that gentleman with whom I've
+dined in 15?"
+
+"No, I don't," says the landlord.
+
+"Well," continues Diddler, "I've no _particular_ acquaintance with him;
+he invited me here to dine; I suppose he intends to pay for what he
+ordered, but (whispering) _you had better get your money before he gets
+out of that room!_"
+
+"Oh! oh! coming that are dodge, eh? I'll show him!" said the burly
+landlord, making tracks for the room, from which the Sheriff was now
+emerging, to look after his prisoner.
+
+"There's for the ale," says the Diddler, placing half a dollar in the
+waiter's hand; "I ordered that, and there's for it." So saying, he
+vamosed.
+
+"Say, but look here, Buck, I say, hold on; I've got a writ, and--"
+
+"Hang the writ! Pay your bill like a gentleman, and come along!"
+exclaimed the Ex-M. C., making himself _scarce!_
+
+It was in vain that the Sheriff stated his "authority," and innocence in
+the pecuniary affairs of the dinner, for the waiter swore roundly that
+the other gentleman had paid for all he ordered, and the landlord, who
+could not be convinced to the contrary, swore that the idea was to gouge
+him, which couldn't be done, and before the Sheriff got off, he had his
+wallet depleted of five dollars; and he not only lost his prisoner, but
+lost his temper, at the trick played upon him by the Hon. Jeremy
+Diddler.
+
+
+
+
+Governor Mifflin's First Coal Fire.
+
+
+It is truly astonishing, that the inexhaustible beds--mines of
+anthracite coal, lying along the Schuylkill river and ridges, valleys
+and mountains, from old Berks county to the mountains of Shamokin, were
+not found out and applied to domestic uses, fully fifty years before
+they were! Coal has been exhumed from the earth, and burned in forges
+and grates in Europe, from time immemorial, we think, yet we distinctly
+remember when a few canal boats only were engaged in transporting from
+the few mines that were open and worked along the Schuylkill--the
+comparatively few tons of anthracite coal consumed in Philadelphia, not
+sent away. As far back as 1820, we believe, there was but little if any
+coal shipped to Philadelphia, from the Schuylkill mines at all.
+
+Our venerable friend, the still vivacious and clear-headed Col. Davis,
+of Delaware, gave us, a few years ago, a rather amusing account of the
+first successful attempt of a very distinguished old gentleman, Gov.
+Mifflin, to ignite a pile of stone coal. The date of the transaction,
+more's the pity, has escaped us, but the facts of the case are something
+after this fashion.
+
+Gov. Mifflin, of Pennsylvania, lived and owned a fine estate in Mifflin
+county, and in which county was discovered from time to time, any
+quantity of black rock, as the farmers commonly called the then unknown
+anthracite. Of course, the old governor knew something about stone coal,
+and had a slight inkling of its character. At hours of leisure, the
+governor was in the habit of experimenting upon the black rocks by
+subjecting them to wood fire upon his hearths; but the hard, almost
+flint-like anthracite of that region resisted, with most obdurate
+pertinacity, the oft-repeated attempts of the governor to set it on
+fire. It finally became a joke among the neighboring Pennsylvania Dutch
+farmers, and others of the vicinity, that Gov. Mifflin was studying out
+a theory to set his hills and fields on fire, and burn out the obnoxious
+black rock and boulders. But, despite the jibes and jokes of his
+dogmatical friends, the old governor stuck to his experiments, and the
+result produced, as most generally it does through perseverance and
+practice, a new and useful fact, or principle.
+
+One cold and wintry day, Gov. Mifflin was cosily perched up in his
+easy-chair, before the great roaring, blazing hickory fire, overhauling
+ponderous state documents, and deeply engrossed in the affairs of the
+people, when his eye caught the outline of a big black rock boulder upon
+the mantle-piece before him--it was a beautiful specimen of variegated
+anthracite, with all the hues of the rainbow beaming from its lacquered
+angles. The governor thought "a heap" of this specimen of the black
+rock, but dropping all the documents and State papers pell-mell upon the
+floor, he seized the piece of anthracite, and placing it carefully upon
+the blazing cross-sticks of the fire, in the most absorbed manner
+watched the operation. To his great delight the black rock was soon red
+hot--he called for his servant man, a sable son of Africa, or some down
+South Congo--
+
+"Isaac."
+
+"Yes, sah, I'se heah, sah."
+
+"Isaac, run out to the carriage-house, and get a piece of that black
+rock."
+
+"Yes, sah, I'se gone."
+
+In a twinkling the negro had obtained a huge lump of the anthracite, and
+handing it over to the governor, it was placed in a favorable position
+alongside of the first lump, and the governor's eyes fairly danced
+polkas as he witnessed the fact of the two pieces of black rock
+assuming a red hot complexion.
+
+"Isaac!" again exclaimed the governor.
+
+"Yes, sah."
+
+"Run out--get another lump."
+
+"Yes, sah."
+
+A third lump was added to the fire; the company in the governor's
+private parlor was augmented by the appearance of the governor's lady
+and other portions of the family, who, seeing Isaac lugging in the
+rocks, came to the conclusion that the governor was going "clean crazy"
+over his experiments. It was in vain Mrs. Mifflin and the daughters
+tried to suspend the functions of the "chief magistrate," over the
+roaring fire.
+
+"Go away, women; what do you know about mineralogy, igniting anthracite?
+Go way; close the doors; I've got the rocks on fire--I'll make them
+laugh t'other side of their mouths, at my black rock fires!"
+
+In the midst of the excitement, as the governor was perspiring and
+exulting over his fiery operation, a carriage drove up, and two
+gentlemen alighted, and desired an immediate audience with Gov. Mifflin;
+but so deeply engaged was the governor, that he refused the strangers an
+audience, and while directing Isaac to tell the strangers that they must
+"come to-morrow," and while he continued to pile on more black rocks,
+brought in by Isaac, in rushed the strangers.
+
+"Good day, governor; you must excuse us, but our business admits of no
+delay."
+
+"Can't help it, can't help you--see how it blazes, see how it burns!"
+cried the abstracted or mentally and physically absorbed governor.
+
+"But, governor, the man may be hanged, if--"
+
+"Let him be hanged--hurra! See how it burns; call in the neighbors; let
+them see my black rock fire. I knew I'd surprise them!"
+
+"But, governor, will you please delay this--"
+
+"Delay? No, not for the President of the United States. I've been trying
+this experiment for eight years. I've now succeeded--see, see how it
+burns! Run, Isaac, over to Dr. ----'s, tell him to come, stop in at Mr.
+S----'s, tell Mr. H---- to come, come everybody--I've got the black
+rocks in a blaze!" And clapping on his hat, out ran the governor through
+the storm, down to the village, like a madman, leaving the strangers and
+part of his household as spectators of his fiery experiments. Just as
+the governor cleared his own door, a pedler wagon "drove up," and the
+pedler, seeing the governor starting out in such double quick time,
+hailed him.
+
+"Hel-lo! Sa-a-a-y, yeou heold on--_yeou the guv'ner_?"
+
+"Clear out!" roared the chief magistrate.
+
+"Shain't deu nothin' of the sort, no how!" says the pedler, dismounting
+from his wagon, and making his appearance at the front door, where he
+encountered the two rather astonished strangers--legal gentlemen of some
+eminence, from Harrisburg, with a petition for the respite of execution.
+
+"Halloo! which o' yeou be the guv'ner?" says the pedler.
+
+"Neither of us," replied the gentlemen; "that was the governor you spoke
+to as you drove up."
+
+"Yeou dun't say so! Wall, he was pesky mad about som'-thin'. What on
+airth ails the ole feller?"
+
+"Can't say," was the response; "but here he comes again."
+
+"Now, now come in, come in and see for yourselves," cried the excited
+Governor of the great Key Stone State; "there's a roaring fire of
+burning, blazing, black rock, anthracite coal!"
+
+But, alas! the cross sticks having given away in the interim, and the
+coal being thrown down upon the ashes and stone hearth,--_was all out!_
+
+"Wall," says our migratory Yankee, who followed the crowd into the
+house, "I guess I know what yeou be at, guv'ner, but I'll tell yeou
+naow, yeou can't begin to keep that darn'd hard stuff burning, 'less
+yeou fix it up in a grate, like, gin it air, and an almighty draught;
+yeou see, guv'ner, I've been making experiments a darn'd long while with
+it!"
+
+The laugh of the governor's friends subsided as the pedler went into a
+practical theory on burning stone coal; the _respite_ was
+signed--hospitalities of the mansion extended to all present, and in
+course of a few days, our Yankee and the governor rigged up a grate, and
+soon settled the question--will our black rocks burn?
+
+
+
+
+Sure Cure.
+
+
+Travel is a good invention to cure the blues and condense worldly
+effects. When Cutaway went to California, "I carried," said he, "a pile
+of despondency, and more baggage, boots, and boxes, than would fit out a
+caravan. After an absence of just fourteen calendar months, I started
+homewards, and was so boiling over with hope and fond anticipation, that
+I could hardly keep in my old boots! And all the _dunnage_ I had left,
+wouldn't fill a pocket-handkerchief, or sell to a paper-maker for four
+cents!"
+
+Cutaway recommends seeing the _worldy_ elephant, high, for settling
+one's mind, and scattering goods, gold, and chattels.
+
+
+
+
+Chasing a Fugitive Subscriber.
+
+
+Printers, from time immemorial--back possibly to the days of Faust--have
+suffered martyrdom, more or less, at the hands of the people who didn't
+pay! Many of the long-established newspaper concerns can show a "black
+list" as long as the militia law, and an unpaid _cash account_ bulky
+enough to take Cuba! Country publishers suffer in this way intensely.
+About one half of the "subscribers" to the _Clarion of Freedom_, or the
+_Universal Democrat_, or the _Whig Shot Tower_, seem to labor under the
+Utopian notion that printers were made to mourn over unpaid subscription
+lists; or that they "got up" papers for their own peculiar amusement,
+and carried them or sent them to the doors of the public for mere
+pastime! Every publisher, of about every paper we ever examined, about
+this time of year, has told his own story--requested his subscribers to
+come forward--pay over--help to keep the mill going--creditors
+easy--fire in the stove--meal in the barrel--children in bread, butter
+and shoes--Sheriff at bay, and other tragical affairs connected with the
+operations attendant upon unsettled cash accounts! But, how many heed
+such "notices?" Paying subscribers do not read them--such applications
+do not apply to them--_they_ regret to see them in the paper, and, like
+honest, common-sensed people, don't probe or meddle with other people's
+shortcomings. The delinquent subscriber don't read such _calls_ upon his
+humanity--they are distasteful to him; he may squint and grin over the
+_notice_ to pay up, and chuckles to himself--"Ah, umph! dun away, old
+feller; I ain't one o' that kind that sends money by mail; it might be
+lost, and the man that duns _me_ for two or three dollars' worth of
+newspapers, _may get it if he knows how_."
+
+Well, the good time has _come_. Printers now may wait no longer; the
+jig's up--they have found out a _way_ to get their money just as easy as
+other laborers in the fields of science, art, mechanism, law, physic and
+religion, get theirs. Let the printer cry _Eureka_.
+
+Doctor Pendleton St. Clair Smith, a patron of the fine arts, best
+tailors, barbers, boot blacks, and the newspaper press, was a tooth
+operator of some skill and great pretension. He lived and moved in
+modern style, and though no man could be more desirous of indulging in
+"short credit," no man believed or acted more readily upon the
+principle--
+
+    ----"base is the slave that _pays_."
+
+Dr. P. St. C. Smith "slipped up" one day, leaving the _well done_
+community of Boston and the environs, for fields more congenial to his
+peculiar talents. He _stuck_ the printer, of course. His numerous
+subscription accounts to the various local news and literary journals,
+in the aggregate amounted to quite considerable; and the printers didn't
+begin to like it! Now, it takes a Yankee to head off a Yankee, and about
+this time a live, double-grand-action Yankee, named Peabody, possibly,
+happened in at one of the offices, where two brother publishers were
+"making a few remarks" over delinquent subscribers, and especially were
+they wrought up against and giving jessy to Dr. Pendleton St. Clair
+Smith!
+
+"How much does the feller owe you?" quoth Peabody.
+
+"Owe? More than he'll ever pay during the present generation."
+
+"Perhaps not," says Peabody; "now if you'll just give me the full
+particulars of the man, his manners and customs, name and size, and
+sell me your accounts, at a low notch, I'll buy 'em; I'll collect 'em,
+too, if the feller's alive, out of jail, and any where around between
+sunrise and sunset!"
+
+The publishers laughed at the idea, sensibly, but finding that Peabody
+was up for a trade, they traced out the accounts, &c., and for a five
+dollar bill, Mr. Peabody was put in possession of an account of some
+twenty odd dollars and cents against Dr. P. St. C. Smith.
+
+Now Peabody had, some time previous to this transaction, established a
+peculiar kind of Telegraph, a human galvanic battery, or endless chain
+of them, extending all over the country, for collecting bad debts, and
+_shocking_ fugitives, or stubborn creditors! By a continuation of
+faculties, causes and effects--shrewdness and forethought peculiar to a
+man capable of seeing considerably deep into millstones--Peabody
+couldn't be _dodged_. If he ever got his _feelers_ on to a subject, the
+_equivalent_ was bound to be turning up! It struck him that the
+collection of newspaper bills afforded him a great field for working his
+Telegraph, and he hasn't been mistaken.
+
+The scene now changes; early one morning in the pleasant month of June,
+as the poet might say, Dr. Pendleton St. Clair Smith was to be seen
+before his toilet glass in the flourishing city of Syracuse,--giving the
+finishing stroke to his highly-cultivated beard. The satisfaction with
+which he made this demonstration, evinced the sereneness of his mind and
+the _confidence_ with which he rested, in regard to his newspaper 'bills
+in Boston. But a _tap_ is heard at his door, and at his invitation the
+servant comes in, announces a gentleman in the parlor, desirous of
+speaking to Dr. Smith. The Doctor waits upon the visitor--
+
+"Dr. Pendleton St. Clair Smith, I presume?"
+
+"Ye-e-s," slowly and suspiciously responded that individual.
+
+"I am collector, sir," continued the stranger, "for the firm of
+Peabody, Grab, Catchem, and Co., Boston. I have a small (!) bill against
+you, sir, to collect."
+
+"What for?" eagerly quoth the Doctor.
+
+"Newspaper subscriptions and advertising, sir!"
+
+"I a--I a, you a--well, you call in this evening," says the Doctor,
+tremulously fumbling in his pockets--"I'll settle with you; good
+morning."
+
+"Good morning, sir," says the collector,--"I'll call."
+
+That afternoon, Dr. Pendleton St. Clair Smith vamosed! He had barely got
+located in Syracuse, before they had traced him; if he paid the printer,
+a cloud of other debts would follow, and so he up stakes and made a
+fresh _dive!_
+
+"Now," says Dr. P. St. C. Smith, as he dumped himself and baggage down
+in the beautiful city of Chicago, "Now I'll be out of the range of the
+duns; they won't get sight or hearing of me, for a while, I'll bet a
+hat!"
+
+But, alas! for the delusion; the very next morning, a very suspicious,
+hatchet-faced individual, made himself known as the deputed collector of
+certain newspaper accounts, forwarded from Boston, by Peabody, Grab,
+Catchem, & Co. The Dr. uttered a very severe _anathema_; he looked quite
+streaked, he faltered; he then desired the collector to call in course
+of the day, and the bill would be attended to. The collector hoped it
+would be attended to, and left; so did Dr. P. St. C. Smith _in the next
+mail line_.
+
+About one month after the affair in Chicago, Dr. P. St. C. Smith was
+seen strutting around in Charters st., New Orleans, confident in his
+security, smiling in the brightness of the scenes around him; he had
+just negotiated for an office, had already concocted his advertisements,
+and subscribed for the papers, when lo! the same due bill from Boston
+appeared to him, in the hand of an _agent_ of Peabody, Grab, Catchem &
+Co. The Dr. was almost tempted to pay the bill! But, then, perhaps the
+_agent_ had a hat full of others--from the same place--for larger
+amounts! The next day the Doctor _put_ for Texas! planting himself in
+the pleasant town of Bexar, and cursing duns from the bottom of his
+heart--he determined to keep clear of them, even if he had to bury
+himself away out here in Texas. But what was his horror to find, the
+first week of his hanging up in Bexar, that an agent of the firm of
+Peabody, Grab, Catchem & Co., _was there!_ The Doctor _stepped_ to
+Galveston; on the way he accidentally _met_ a travelling agent of
+Peabody, Grab, Catchem & Co. The Doctor took the _Sabine_ slide for
+Tampico; there he found the "black vomit." He up and off again, for
+Mobile; his nervous system was much worked up and his pocket-book sadly
+depleted! There were two alternatives--change his name, size and
+profession, and live in a swamp; _or settle with the firm of Peabody,
+Grab, Catchem & Co_. Dr. Pendleton St. Clair Smith chose the latter; he
+sought and soon found in Mobile, a veritable _agent_, duly authorized to
+receive and forward funds for Peabody, Grab, Catchem & Co., and hunt up
+and down--fugitives from the printer! The Doctor paid up--felt better,
+and learned the moral fact that delinquent subscribers are no longer to
+be the printers' ghosts.
+
+
+
+
+Ambition.
+
+
+A person never thinks so meanly of ambition as when walking through a
+grave-yard.--To see men who have filled the world with their glory for
+half a century or more, reduced to a six foot mudhole, gives pride a
+shock which requires a long stay in a city to counteract.--The gentlemen
+who are now "spoken of for the Presidency," will in less than a century,
+have their bones carted away to make room for a street sewer. Queer
+creature that man--well, he is.
+
+
+
+
+Way the Women Fixed the Tale-Bearer.
+
+
+"I dunno where I heer'd it, but I know it's true. I expected it long
+ago. I told Jones it'd come out so."
+
+"Why, Uncle Josh, you don't pretend to say that Miller's wife has run
+off with Bob Tape, Yardstick's clark, do you?"
+
+"Yes, I do, too; hain't it been the talk of the neighborhood for a year
+past, that Miller's wife and that feller--Bob Tape, were a leetle too
+thick?"
+
+"Well, Uncle Josh," says his neighbor Brown, "I don't recollect anybody
+saying anything about it, but you, and for my part, I don't believe a
+word of it."
+
+"Why, hain't Miller's wife gone?" says Uncle Josh.
+
+"I don't know--is she?" says Brown.
+
+"Be sure she is; I went over to the store this morning, the fust thing,
+to see if Bob Tape was about--he wasn't there--they said he'd gone to
+Boston on business for old Yardstick. O, ho! says I, and then I started
+for Heeltap's shop; we had allers said how things would turn out. He was
+out, but seein' me go to his shop, he came a runnin', and says he:
+
+"'Uncle Josh, theer gone, sure enough!--I've been over to old Mammy
+Gabbles, and she sent her Suke over to Miller's, on purtence of
+borrowin' some lard, but told Suke to look around and see ef Miller's
+wife wur about; by Nebbyknezer, Miller's wife wur gone! Marm Gabbles
+couldn't rest, so she sent back Suke, and told her to ax the children
+whare their marm wus; Miller hearing Suke, ordered her to scoot, so Suke
+left without hearing the facts in the case, as 'Squire Black says.'
+
+"But Heeltap swears, and I know Miller's wife and Bob Tape have
+_sloped_, as they say in the papers."
+
+"Well," says Brown, "I'm sorry if it's true--I don't believe a word of
+it tho', and as it's none of my business, I shall have nothing to say
+about it."
+
+Uncle Josh was one of those inordinate pests which almost every village,
+town and hamlet in the country is more or less accursed with. He was a
+great, tall, bony, sharp-nosed, grinning _genius_, who, being in
+possession of a small farm, with plenty of boys and girls to work it,
+did not do anything but eat, sleep and lounge around; a gatherer of
+_scan, mag_., a news and scandal-monger, a great guesser, and a stronger
+suspicioner, of everybody's motives and intentions, and, of course,
+never imputed a good motive or movement to anybody.
+
+You've seen those wretches, male and female, haven't you, reader? Such
+people are great nuisances--half the discomforts of life are bred by
+them; they contaminate and poison the air they breathe, with their
+noisome breath, like the odor of the Upas tree.
+
+Uncle Josh had annoyed many--he was the dread and disgust of
+seven-eighths of the town he lived in. He had caused more quarrels,
+smutted more characters, and created more ill-feeling between friends,
+neighbors and acquaintances, than all else beside in the community of
+Frogtown. Uncle Josh was voted a great bore by the men, and a sneaking,
+meddling old granny by the women. So, at last, the young women of the
+town did agree, that the very next time Uncle Josh carried, concocted,
+or circulated any slanderous or otherwise mischievous stories, _they
+would duck him in the mill-race_.
+
+Now, Brown--old Mister Brown--was the very antipode of Uncle Josh; he
+was for always taking matters and things by the smoothest handle. Mister
+Brown never told tales, backbited or slandered anybody; everybody had a
+good word to say about Mister Brown, and Mister Brown had a good word to
+say about everybody. The gals thought it prudent to give old Mister
+Brown an inkling of their plans in regard to the disposition they
+intended to make of Uncle Josh; the old man laughed, and told them to go
+ahead, and to duck old Josh, and perhaps they would reform him.
+
+"Now, gals," says old Mister Brown, "Uncle Josh has just this very day
+been at his dirty work; by this time he has spread the news all over the
+town, that Miller's wife has gone off with Yardstick's clark. I don't
+believe a word of his tale, and if Miller's wife ain't really gone off,
+Uncle Josh ought to be soused in the mill-race."
+
+Next morning Miller's wife came home; she had been down to her sister's,
+a few miles off, to see a sick child; her husband had been away at a
+law-suit, in a neighboring town, and so Miller nor his wife knew nothing
+of the report of her elopement with Bob Tape, until their return.
+
+Miller was in a rage, but couldn't find out the author of the report.
+Miller's wife was deeply mortified that such a suspicion should arise of
+her; she had been making Bob Tape some new clothes to go to Boston in,
+and here was the gist of Bob and Miller's wife's intimacy! There was a
+great time about it--Miller swore like a trooper, and his wife nearly
+cried her eyes out.
+
+A few evenings afterwards, it being cool, clear weather in October,
+Polly Higgins and Sally Smith called in to see Miller's wife, and asked
+her to join them in a little party that some of the neighboring women
+had got up that evening, for a particular purpose. Miller's wife not
+having much to do that evening, her husband said she might go out a
+spell if she chose, and she went, and soon learned the purport of the
+call--old Uncle Josh was to be ducked in the mill-race! and Miller's
+wife, disguised as the rest, was to help do it. When she heard that old
+Josh had circulated the report of her elopement, Miller's wife did not
+require much coaxing to join the watering committee.
+
+It was so planned that all the women, some ten or twelve in number, were
+to put on men's clothes and lay in wait for Uncle Josh at his lane gate,
+about a quarter of a mile from the mill-race. Old Josh always hung
+around the tavern, Heeltap's shoe-shop, or the grocery, until 9 P. M.,
+before he started for home, and the girls determined to rush out of a
+small thicket that stood close by old Josh's lane gate, and throwing a
+large, stout sheet over him, wind him up, and then seizing him head,
+neck and heels, hurry him off to the mill-race, and duck him well.
+
+Mind you, your country gals and women are not paint and powder,
+corset-laced and fragile creatures, like your delicate, more ornamental
+than useful young ladies of the city; no, no, the gals of Frogtown were
+real flesh and blood; Venuses and Dianas of solidity and substance; and
+it would have taken several better men than Uncle Josh to have got away
+from them. It was a cool, moon-shiny night, but to better favor the
+women, just as old Josh got near his gate, a large, black cloud obscured
+the moon, and all was as dark as a stack of black cats in a coal cellar.
+Miller's wife acted as captain; dressed in Bob Tape's old clothes he had
+left at her house to be repaired, she gave the word, and out they
+rushed.
+
+"Seize him, boys!" said she, in a very loud whisper. Over went the
+sheet, down came old Josh, co-blim! Before he could say "lor' a massy,"
+he was dragged to the mill-race, tied hand and foot, blindfolded, his
+coat taken off, and he was _ca-soused_ into the cold water! Fury! how
+the old fellow begged for his life!
+
+"O, lor' a massy, don't drown me boys! I--a, I--" _ca-souse_ he went
+again.
+
+"Give him another duck," says one--and in he'd go again.
+
+"Now, we'll learn you to carry tales," says another.
+
+"And tell lies on me and Miller's wife," says Bob Tape--ca-souse he
+went.
+
+"O, lor' a mas--mas--e, do--do--don't drown me, Bob; I'll--I'll promise
+never to--" in they put him again; the water was as cold as ice.
+
+"Will you promise never to take or carry a story again?"
+
+"I d--d--d--_do_ promise, if--yo--yo--yo--you--don't--duc--" and in he
+went again.
+
+"Do you promise to mind your own business and let others alone, Uncle
+Josh?"
+
+"Ye--ye--yes, I d--_do_, I--I--I'll promise anything--bo--boys, only let
+me go," says Uncle Josh.
+
+"Well, boys," says Polly Higgins, rousing, jolly critter she was, too,
+"I owe Uncle Josh one more dip: he lied about my gal, Polly Higgins,
+and--"
+
+"O, ho, Seth Jones, that's you, ain't it?--Well--we--well, I said
+nothing about Polly; it was Heeltap said it, 'deed it was."
+
+Then they let old Josh off, vowing they'd give Heeltap his gruel next
+night, and the moment Josh got clear of his sousers, he cut for home.
+Next day Heeltap cleared himself.--Uncle Josh soon found out that he had
+been ducked by the women, and, for his own peace, moved to Iowa, and
+Frogtown has been a happy place ever since.
+
+
+
+
+Penalty of Kissing your own Wife.
+
+
+Cato, when Censor of Rome, expelled from the Senate Manilius, whom the
+general opinion had marked out for counsellor, because he had given his
+wife a kiss in the day time, in the sight of his daughter. And this
+reminds us of a local story told us by one of the "oldest inhabitants"
+of the city, that occurred once upon a time in this harbor. Before the
+Revolutionary war, one of the King's ships was stationed here, and
+occasionally cruised down to the south'ard. It so chanced that after a
+long absence the cruiser arrived in the harbor on Sunday, and as the
+naval captain had left his wife in Boston, the moment she heard of his
+arrival she hastened down to the water side in order to receive him. The
+worthy old sea captain, on landing, embraced his lady with tenderness
+and true affection. This, as there were many spectators by, gave great
+offence to the puritanical landsmen, and was considered as an act of
+indecency and a flagrant profanation of the Sabbath. The next day,
+therefore, the captain was summoned before the magistrates and
+selectmen, who, with many severe rebukes and pious exhortations, ordered
+him to be publicly whipped!
+
+The old captain stifled his indignation and resentment as much as
+possible; and as the punishment, from the frequency of it, was not
+attended with any degree of disgrace, he mixed as usual with the best of
+company, and even with the selectmen he soon ceased to be else than
+familiar as ever.
+
+At length the vessel was ordered home, to England, and the captain,
+therefore, with seeming concern to take leave of his worthy friends,
+and that they might spend a more happy and convivial day together before
+their final separation, invited the principal magistrates and selectmen
+to dine with him the day of his departure, on board his ship. They
+readily accepted the invitation, and nothing could be more glorious than
+the entertainment that was given.
+
+At length the solemn moment arrived that was to part them--the anchor
+was apeak, the sails unfurled, and nothing was wanted but the signal to
+get under way. The captain, after taking an affectionate and formal
+leave of his worthy municipal friends, accompanied them upon deck where
+the boatswain and crew were ready to receive them. He here thanked them
+afresh for the civilities they had shown him, of which the captain
+assured them he should bear a kind remembrance.
+
+"One point of civility, only," he continued, "gentlemen, remains to be
+adjusted between us, and as it is in my power to settle it, I shall be
+most happy to do so. You infernal old rogues you, you whipped me for
+evincing a due regard and love for my wife, and now, lest you perpetrate
+the outrage again 'gainst all law and reason, I'll give you a lesson
+that will last your lifetime. Boatswain, strip each of these rogues to
+the waist, lash them fast and put on your cat-o'-nine tails forty
+stripes each!"
+
+The boatswain, mid the laugh and acclamation of the whole crew, went to
+the work with a hearty good will, and after giving the magistrates and
+selectmen a fine dressing all around, he cut them loose, put them in
+their boat, and the ship set sail down the harbor and soon disappeared
+in the dim dist cut ocean.
+
+
+
+
+Mysteries and Miseries of Housekeeping.
+
+
+People of experience tell awful stories about the miseries of boarding,
+and boarding-houses, and it is very clearly palpable to us that keepers
+of boarding-houses could a tale unfold of their own miseries, equal, if
+not double that of the luckless creatures who board. That housekeeping
+has its joys it would be vain to deny, but we need no ghost come from
+the grave to inform us that the secrets of the kitchen are as numerous
+and as harrowing, as all can attest that ever had occasion to keep house
+or hire a "Betty."
+
+When Mr. Peter Perriwinkle got married, he exclaimed against hotels, and
+abominated boarding-houses; quitting both species of human habitations,
+he "up" and rented a house, and to hear his glowing description of the
+house--such a cosy little three-storied brick house, on a street too
+broad for the neighbors opposite to see into his front parlors, and no
+houses in the rear from which the prying eye of the curious and idle
+could spy into back kitchen closets or dinner pots--in brief,
+Perriwinkle went on with that strain of domestic eloquence, peculiar to
+new beginners in the arts and mysteries of housekeeping, and after a
+general detail of the quiet comfort and unalloyed happiness he and Mrs.
+P. were bound to enjoy for the balance of their lives, we merely
+observed--
+
+"Ah, my dear sir, you've but the ephemeral bright side of your vision
+yet. But no matter, dear Pete, as the man said of the sausages--hope for
+the best, but be prepared for the worst."
+
+"But, brother Jack, I've no reason to look for any thing but a good
+time. Haven't I married one of the best women in the world? I'm too
+experienced in life, my boy, to call any female women angels, doves, or
+sugar plums, you know, but my wife is a real woman!"
+
+"Yes, Pete, she is all that," said we.
+
+"Well, ain't I square with the world? Enough laid up for a wet
+day--don't care twopence ha'penny for politics, or soldier
+fol-de-rols--who wins or who loses in such hums?"
+
+"Granted, old fellow."
+
+"I tell you I've a perfect little paradise of a house engaged, furnished
+and provisioned for a twelvemonth."
+
+"No doubt of all that."
+
+"As to friends and acquaintances, I have plenty, and of the right
+stripe, too; I'd swear to that without any reluctance."
+
+"I hope, Peter, you have."
+
+"Then what in faith do you imagine I have in embryo to upset or disturb
+the even tenor of my way, old boy? Come, answer that."
+
+"Does your domestic apparatus work well?"
+
+"I haven't tried it yet."
+
+"Are your appurtenances--your household appointments--from kitchen to
+parlor, from coal cellar to top scuttle, all they are cracked up to be?"
+
+"Well, you see, the fact is, I can't tell that, yet."
+
+"Do your chimneys draw? Does your range or cooking stove do things up
+brown? Have you got your Bettys?"
+
+"I vow you've sort of got me this time, brother Jack; but I'll find out,
+soon, and let you know."
+
+"Do, if you please, Peter, and let us hear an account of how things are
+working after the first quarter's experience."
+
+Perriwinkle opened with a neat supper party. We attended, and every
+thing looked cap-a-pie; new, tasteful and happy as any thing human
+under God's providence and the art and judgment of man could promise. At
+midnight the company dispersed, all wishing the Perriwinkles life, love,
+and lots of the small fry.
+
+Months passed, full three; we met our old and familiar friend, Peter
+Perriwinkle, and as we had not seen him for some time, we met with
+greetings most cordial.
+
+"How is every thing, old boy--paradise regained?"
+
+"Ah," said Peter, with an ominous shake of the head, "dear Jack,--we've
+a great deal to learn in this world, and as our old friend Sam Veller
+says, whether its worth while to pay so much to learn so little, at
+cost--is a question."
+
+"You begin to think so, eh?"
+
+"Things don't work quite so smooth as I expected--I've moved!"
+
+"What? Not so soon?"
+
+"Yes, sir," said Perriwinkle; "that house was a nuisance!"
+
+"A nuisance? Why, I thought you were in raptures with it?"
+
+"Had water every wet spell, knee-deep in the cellar; full of rats, bugs,
+and foul air."
+
+"You don't say so?"
+
+"Yes, I do," said Perriwinkle, mournfully. "Chimneys smoked, paper
+peeled off the walls, Mrs. P. got the rheumatics, a turner worked all
+night, next door, the fellow that had previously lived or stayed in the
+house, ran off, leaving all his bills unpaid, and our door bell was
+incessantly kept ringing by ugly and impudent duns, and the creditors of
+the rascal, whom I did not know from a side of sole leather. I lived
+there in purgatory!"
+
+"Too bad," said we. "Well, you've moved, eh?"
+
+"Moved--and such an infernal job as it was. You know the two vases I
+received as a present from my brother, at Leghorn; I wouldn't have taken
+$100 each, for them--"
+
+"They are worth it; more too."
+
+"The carman dropped one out of his hands, broke it into a half bushel of
+flinders, and I hit the centre table upon which the other stood, with a
+chair, and broke it into forty pieces. But, that wasn't any thing, sir.
+My wife packed up the elegant set of china presented her by her sister,
+in a large clothes basket, and set it out in the hall, and while our
+Irish girl and the carman were carrying out a heavy trunk, the girl lost
+her balance and fell bump into the basket. She weighed over two hundred
+pounds--every article of the china was crushed into powder!"
+
+"This was too bad," said we, condolingly.
+
+"Our carpets were torn in getting them up, for I had them put down fast
+and tight, never supposing they'd come up until thread-bare and out of
+fashion; they were stained and daubed. The veneering of the piano and
+other furniture is scratched and torn; a hundred small matters are
+mutilated. Franklin thought a few moves was as bad as a fire; one move
+convinces me that the old man was right. But, my dear fellow, I won't
+bore you with my miseries. We are now moved, and look comfortable again.
+Call and see us, do. Good bye."
+
+About a fortnight after meeting Perriwinkle, one evening we went up town
+to see him and his lady. Mrs. P., before marriage, was an uncommon
+even-tempered and most amiable woman. She had now been married about six
+months. Upon entering the parlor we found Mrs. P. laboring under much
+"excitement," and poor Peter--he was doing his best to pacify and soothe
+her--
+
+"Halloo! what's the trouble?"--we were familiar enough to ask the
+question--as they were alone, without intruding.
+
+"Take a seat, John," said Perriwinkle. "Mrs. P. and the cook have had a
+misunderstanding. A little muss, that's all."
+
+"Mr. Humphries," responded the irritated wife, "you don't know how one's
+temper and good nature are put out, sir, by housekeeping; by the
+impudence, awkwardness, and wasteful habits of servants, sir."
+
+"Oh! yes, we do, Mrs. P.; we've had our experience," we replied.
+
+"Well, sir," she continued, "I have suffered so in ordering, directing,
+and watching these women and girls--had my feelings so outraged by them,
+time and again, since we began housekeeping, that I vow I am out of all
+manner of patience and charity for them. We have had occasion to change
+our help so often, that I finally concluded to submit to the awkwardness
+that cost us sets of china, dozens of glasses, stained carpets, soiled
+paints, smeared walls, rugs upon the top of the piano, and the piano
+cloths put down for rugs; Mr. P.'s best linen used for mops, and
+puddings boiled in night-caps. But, sir, when this evening I found the
+dough-tray filled with the chambermaid's old clothes, she wiping the
+lamps with our linen napkins, and the cook washing out her stockings in
+the dinner pot--I gave way to my angry passions, and cried with
+vexation!"
+
+And she really did cry, for female blood of Mrs. P.'s pilgrim stock,
+couldn't stand that, nohow.
+
+P. S.--Perriwinkle and lady sold off, and took rooms at the Tremont
+House, in order to preserve their morals and money.
+
+
+
+
+Miseries of a Dandy.
+
+
+That poverty is at times very unhandy--yea, humiliating, we can bear
+witness; but that any persons should make their poverty an everlasting
+subject of shame and annoyance to themselves, is the most contemptible
+nonsense we know of. During our junior days, while officiating as "shop
+boy," behind a counter in a southern city, we used to derive some fun
+from the man[oe]uvres of a dandy-jack of a fellow in the same
+establishment. He was of the bullet-headed, pimpled and stubby-haired
+_genus_, but dressed up to the _nines_; and had as much pride as two
+half-Spanish counts or a peacock in a barnyard.
+
+Charley was mostly engaged in the ware rooms, laboratory, etc., up
+stairs. He would arrive about 7 A. M., arrayed in the costume of _the
+latest style_, as he flaunted down Chestnut Street--by the way, it was a
+long, idle tramp, out of his road to do so,--his hair all frizzled up,
+hat shining and bright as a May morn, his dickey so stiff he could
+hardly expectorate over his _goatee_, while his "stunnin'" scarf and
+dashing pin stuck out to the admiration of Charley's extensive eyes, and
+the astonishment of half the clerks and all the shop boys along the line
+of our Beau Brummell's promenade!
+
+It was very natural to conceive that Charley was impressed with the
+idea, that he was the envy of half the men, and the _beau_ ideal of all
+the women he met! But your real dandy is no particular lover of women;
+he very naturally so loves himself that he lavishes all his fond
+affection upon his own person. So it was with our _beau_--he wouldn't
+have risked dirtying his hands, soiling his "patent leathers," or
+disarranging his scarf the thirteenth of an inch, to save a lady from a
+mad bull, or being run down by a wheelbarrow! Charley, to be sure, would
+walk with them, talk with them, beau them to the theatre, concert or
+ball room, provided always--they were dressed all but to within half an
+inch of their lives! The man who introduced a new and _stunnin_' hat,
+scarf, or coat, Charley would swear friendship to, on sight! A shabby,
+genteel person was his abomination; a patch or darn, utterly horrifying!
+He lived, moved, breathed--ideally, his ideality based, of course, upon
+ridiculous superfluities of life--leather and prunella, entirely.
+Charley looked upon "a dirty day" as upon a villanously-dressed person,
+while a bright, shining morn--giving him amplitude to make a "grand
+dash," won from him the same encomiums to the producer that he would
+bestow on the getter-up of an elegant pair of cassimeres--commendable
+works of an artist! The _genus_ dandy, whether of savage or civilized
+life, is a felicitous subject for peculiar, speculative, comparative
+analogy or _analysis_; we shall pursue the shadow no farther, but come
+to the substance.
+
+After arriving at the establishment, Charley would strip off his "top
+hamper," placing his finery in a closet with the care and diligence of a
+maiden of thirty, and upwards. Then, donning a rude pair of over-alls
+and coat, he condescended to go to work. Now, in the said establishment,
+our _beau_ had few friends; the men, girls, and boys were "down" upon
+him; the men, because of his dandyism; the females hated him, because
+Charley stuck his long nose _up_ at "shop girls," and wouldn't no more
+notice them in the streets, than if they were chimney sweepers or
+decayed esculents! We boys didn't like him no how, generally, though it
+was policy for him to treat us tolerably decent, because his pride made
+it imperiously necessary that some of the "little breeches" should do
+small chores, errands, bringing water from the street, carrying down to
+_the shop_ goods, etc., which might otherwise devolve upon himself. But
+men, girls and boys were always scheming and practising jokes and tricks
+upon the _beau_. The boys would all rush off to dinner--first having so
+dirtied the water, hid the towels and soap, that poor Charley would
+necessarily be obliged to go down into the public street and bring up a
+bucket of the clean element to wash his begrimed face and hands. And
+mark the difficulties and _diplomacy_ of such an arrangement. Charley
+would slip down into the lower entry, peep out to see if any body was
+looking,--if a genteel person was visible, the _beau_ held back with his
+bucket; after various reconnaissances, the coast would appear clear, and
+the _beau_ would dash out to the pump, agitate "the iron-tailed cow"
+with the force and speed of an infantile earthquake--snatch up the
+bucket, and with one _dart_ hit the doorway, and glide up stairs,
+thanking his stars that nobody "seen him do it!"
+
+In one of these _forays_ for water, the _beau_ was decidedly cornered by
+two of the "shop girls." They, sly creatures, observed poor Charley from
+an upper "landing" of the stairway, in the entry below, watching his
+chance to get a clear coast to fill his dirty bucket. The moment the
+beau darted out, down rush the girls--slam to the door and bar it!
+
+The _beau_, dreaming of no such diabolical inventions, gives the pump an
+awful _surge_, fills the bucket, looks down the street, and--O! murder,
+there come two ladies--the first _cuts_ of the city, to whom Charley had
+once the honor of a personal introduction! With his face turned over his
+shoulder at the _ladies_--his nether limbs desperately nerved for _tall
+walking_,--he dashes at the supposed open entryway, and--nearly knocked
+the panel out of the door, smashing the bucket, spilling the water, and
+slightly killing himself!
+
+It was almost "a cruel joke," in the girls, who, taking advantage of
+the stunning effect of the operation, unbarred the door and vanished,
+before poor Charley picked himself up and scrambled into the lower store
+to recuperate.
+
+Weeks ran on; the beau had enjoyed a respite from the wiles of his
+persecutors, when one morning he was forced to come down into the store
+in his working gear, well be-spattered with oleaginous substances, dust
+and dirt; in this gear, Charley presented about as ugly and primitive a
+looking Christian, as might not often--before California life was
+dreamed of--be seen in a city. We _did_ quite an extensive retail
+trade--the store was rarely free from _ton_-ish citizens, mostly "fine
+ladies," in quest of fine perfumes, soaps, oils, etc., to sweeten and
+decorate their own beautiful selves. But, before venturing in, our
+_beau_ had an eye about the horizon, to see that no impediments offered;
+things looked safe, and in comes the beau.
+
+We were upon very fair terms with Charley, and he was wont to regale us
+with many of his long stories about the company he _faced_ into, the
+"conquests" he made, and the times he had with this and that, in high
+life. Fanny Kemble was about that time--belle of the season! _Lioness_
+of the day! setting corduroy in a high fever, and raising an awful
+_furore_--generally! Alas! how soon such things--cave in!
+
+Charley got behind the counter to stow away some articles he had brought
+down, and began one of his usual harangues:
+
+"Theatre, last night, Jack?"
+
+"No; couldn't get off; wanted to," said we.
+
+"O, you missed a grand opportunity to see the fashion beauty and wealthy
+people of this city! Such a house! Crowded from pit to dome, met a
+hundred and fifty of my friends--ladies of the first families in town,
+with all the 'high boys' of my acquaintance!"
+
+"And how did Fanny _do_ Juliet?" we asked.
+
+"Do it? Elegant! I sat in the second stage box with the two Misses W.
+(Chestnut street belles!) and Colonel S. and Sam. G., and his sister
+(all _nobs_ of course!), and they were truly entranced with Miss
+Kemble's Juliet! I threw for Miss G. her elegant bouquet,--Fanny kissed
+her fingers to me, and with a _look_ at me, as I stood up so--(the beau
+gave a tall _rear up_ and was about to spread himself, when glancing at
+the door, he sees--two ladies! right in the store!) _thunder!_" he
+exclaims.
+
+If the beau had been hit by a streak of lightning, he would not have
+_dropped_ sooner than he did, behind the counter.
+
+The ladies proved to be _nobody_ else than those of the very two Misses
+W. themselves; they lived close by, and frequently came to the store.
+Beneath our counter were endless packages, broken glass, refuse oils,
+rancid perfumes, dust, dirt, grease, charcoal, soap, and about
+everything else dingy and offensive to the eye and nose. The place
+afforded a wretched refuge for a hull so big and nice as our beau's, but
+there he was, much in our _way_ too, with the mournful fact, for
+Charley, that if those "fine ladies" stayed less than half an hour,
+without overhauling about every article in the store, it would be a
+white stone indeed in the fortunes of the beau! The ladies sat; they
+dickered and examined--we exhibited and put away, the beau lying
+crouched and crucifying at our feet, and we sniggering fit to burst at
+the _contretemps_ of the poor victim. Charley stood it with the most
+heroic resignation for full twenty minutes, when the two Misses W. got
+up to go. Casting their eyes towards the door, who should be about to
+pass but the divine Fanny!
+
+Fanny Kemble! Seeing the two Misses W., whose recognition and
+acquaintance was worth cultivating--even by the haughty queen of the
+drama and belle of the hour; she rushed in, they all had a talk--and you
+know how women can talk, will _talk_ for an hour or two, all about
+nothing in particular, except to _talk_. Imagine our beau,--"Phancy his
+phelinks," as _Yellow Plush_ says, and to heighten the effect, in comes
+the boss! He comes behind the counter--he sees poor Charley
+sprawling--he roars out:
+
+"By Jupiter! Mr. Whackstack, are you sick? _dead_?"
+
+"Dead?" utters Fanny.
+
+"A man dead behind your counter, sir?" scream the Misses W.!
+
+With one desperate _splurge_, up jumps the beau; rushes out, up
+stairs--gets on his clothes, and we did not see him again for over two
+years!
+
+
+
+
+A Juvenile Joe Miller.
+
+
+We observed a small transaction last Wednesday noon, on Hanover street,
+that wasn't so coarse for an urchin hardly out of his swaddling clouts.
+He was a cunning-looking little fellow, and poking his head into a shoe
+shop, he bawls out in a very keen, fine, silvery voice--
+
+"S-a-a-y, Mister-r-r--"
+
+"Eh?--what?" says the shop-keeper.
+
+"Somebody's got your boots out here!"
+
+Supposing, of course, that somebody was pegging away with a bunch of his
+_wares_ at the door, Lapstone rushes out and cries--
+
+"Where?"
+
+"There," says the shaver; "they're there--somebody's got 'em--hung up
+'long your window there."
+
+Lapstone seized a box lid to give the juvenile joker a flip, but he
+scooted, grinning and ha! ha!-ing in the most provoking strain.
+
+
+
+
+"Selling" a Landlord.
+
+
+During the great gathering of people in Quakerdom, while the Whigs were
+dovetailing in Old Zack, an artful dodger, a queer quizzing Boston
+friend of mine, thought a little _side play_ wouldn't be out of the way,
+so to work he goes to get up a muss, and I'll tell you how he managed
+it, nice as wax.
+
+Among the Boston delegates--self-constituted, _a la_ Gen. Commander--was
+a certain gentleman, remarkable for his probity, decorum, and extreme
+sensitiveness. Well, A., the _wag_, and B., the _victim_, landed
+together, but selected, in the general overflow and hurly-burly,
+different lodgings. Next morning, A. finds B. stowed away in ----'s
+Hotel, fine as a fiddle, snug as a bug, in a good room, and doing about
+_as_ well as could be expected. A. had had indifferent luck, and the
+quarters he had lit upon were any thing but comfortable, the inmates of
+the Hotel being stowed away in _tiers_, like herrings in a box. A.
+thought he'd _oust_ his innocent and unsuspecting friend, and crack his
+joke, if it cost a law suit, just for the sake of variety.
+
+With the _address_, and _partly the_ dress--a white hat--of a man of the
+_mace_, A. steps up to the bar of ----'s Hotel, and after carefully
+scrutinizing the register, finds the autograph of the victim, then
+smiles suspiciously, enough to say to the observant bar-keeper--
+
+"Aha! I've found him!" Then leaning cautiously forward towards that
+person, says A.--
+
+"Is this man here yet? Is he in the house?"
+
+"I b'leave he is, sur,--I know he is, sur," says the Milesian,
+overlooking the register himself.
+
+"Come here last night?" continues A., in his suspicious strain.
+
+"He did, sur!" answers the grog-mixer.
+
+"Has nothing but a valise and umbrella?" says A.
+
+"Nothing else, sur, I believe," is the reply.
+
+"That's him! that's him! I've found him!" exultantly exclaims A., while
+the bar-keeper and landlord, who had now come forward, eagerly wanted to
+know if any thing was wrong with the gentleman whose arrival was being
+discussed.
+
+"Step aside, sir," says A. to the proprietor; "I don't want any
+disturbance made, at such a time; it might do your fine establishment
+more harm than good; _but_, there is a person stopping in your house
+that I have followed from Boston; I have kept my eye on his
+movements(!); I know his designs, his practices, _well_; I'm on his
+track--he dodged me last night, but I've found him--"
+
+"Well, do you pretend to assert that this man (scrutinizing the
+register) is a pick-pocket, a thief, or something of the kind, sir?"
+earnestly inquired the proprietor.
+
+"You keep _mum_, sir," said A., coolly tapping the lappel of the
+landlord's coat--"I've got him _safe!_ Let him rest for awhile--I've got
+him! Do you understand?" says the wag, winking a knowing, significant
+_wink_ at the landlord.
+
+"No, cuss me if I do understand you, sir!" sharply replies the landlord.
+"If there is a dangerous or disreputable person in my house, sir, I
+would thank you to tell me, sir, and I will soon put him where the dogs
+won't bite him, sir!"
+
+"There is no use of unnecessary alarm, my friend," says A., in a low
+tone; "the truth is, this person whom I have followed here, has made a
+heavy _draw_ on one of our Boston banks, by means of certain checks and
+certificates, and--"
+
+"Oho! That's it, eh?" interposes the landlord, beginning to see his
+guest in a more _dignified_ light, that of a splendid thief; so his
+rigid frown, called in play by the supposition that a petty rascal was
+on his premises, subsided into a wise smile, which A. interrupts with--
+
+"You've hit it; but keep quiet! Don't let us go too _far_ before we're
+sure the bird is in our cage. He's worth attending to; I'm not sure he's
+_got_ the abstracted money about him; but when he settles with you, just
+notice the size of his wallet, and its contents; may have an officer
+handy, if you like. If he has a large roll of notes, especially on the
+Traders' Bank, nab him, and keep him until I come," said A.
+
+"Where do you stop, sir?" inquired the landlord.
+
+"At the ----, Chestnut street," A. replies.
+
+"Shall be attended to, sir, I warrant you. Is there a reward out, sir,
+for this person?" says the landlord.
+
+"O! no; it has all been kept quiet. _Policy_, you see; he left in such a
+hurry, he thought he'd be lost sight of in this crowd here in your city.
+If he has the money, we'll make 'a spec,' you understand?"
+
+"I see, I see," said the befogged landlord; "I'll keep a sharp look out
+for him, and let you know the moment I find him fairly out."
+
+That afternoon, as B. called for his bill at the bar of ----'s Hotel,
+the landlord was _about_, all in a _twitter_, with two policemen in the
+distance, and sundry especial friends hanging about, to whom the
+landlord had unbosomed the affair. All were anxiously watching the
+result of the business. B. hands forth his capacious wallet, stuffed
+with "_documents_" of the Traders' Bank, of Boston,--from which
+institution he had _drawn_ a pile of funds, to invest in coal at
+Richmond,--and no sooner did B. place an X, of the Traders' Bank, upon
+the bar, than the excited landlord's eyes danced like shot on a hot
+shovel, and giving the constables the _cue_, poor B. found himself
+_waited upon_, in a brace of shakes, by those two custodians, while the
+landlord grabbed the wallet out of B.'s hand, with a suddenness that
+completely mesmerized him.
+
+"Gentlemen," says the landlord to the officers, "do your duty!"
+
+"Why, look here!" says B., squirming about in the grasp of the officers,
+and reaching over for the landlord and his wallet--"what the thunder are
+you about? Come, I say, none of your darn'd nonsense now; let me go, I
+tell you, and hand back that wallet, Mister ----."
+
+But B. was "a goner." They favored him with no explanation, of course,
+and were about trotting him forth to the Mayor's office, when a well
+known Anthracite merchant came in, in quest of B. Some inquiry followed,
+explanation ensued, and the result was, that after poor B. got a little
+reconciled to the _joke_, he joined issue with a laughing chorus at the
+expense of the _sold_ landlord, who, in consideration of all hands
+keeping _mum_, put the party through a course of juleps.
+
+I may as well observe, that I regret there is no particular _moral_ to
+this sketch.
+
+
+
+
+Scientific Labor.
+
+
+"Bob, what yer doing now?"
+
+"Aiding Nat'ral History."
+
+"Aiding Nat'ral History--what do yer mean by that?"
+
+"Why every time the kangaroo jumps over the monkey, I hold his tail
+up."
+
+
+
+
+Who was that Poor Woman?
+
+
+I do not know a feminine--from the piney woods of Maine to the
+Neuces--so given to popularity, newspaper philippics, and city item
+bombards, as Aunt Nabby Folsom, of the town of Boston. The name and
+doings of Aunt Nabby are linked with nearly all popular cabals in
+Faneuil Hall, the "Temple," "Chapel," or Melodeon--from funeral orations
+to political caucusses--Temperance jubilees to Abolition flare ups; for
+Aunt Nabby never allows _wind_, weather or subject, time, place or
+occasion, to prevent her "full attendance." The police, and over-zealous
+auditors, at times _snake her down_ or crowd her old straw bonnet, but
+Aunt Nabby is always sure of the polite attention of the "Reporters,"
+and shines in their notes, big as the biggest toad in the puddle.
+
+Indeed, Aunt Nabby is one of 'em!--a perfect she-male Mike Walsh. She
+will have her _say_, though a legion of constables stood at the door;
+her principal _stand-point_ is the freedom of speech and woman's rights,
+and she goes in tooth and nail _agin law_, Marshal Tukey, and the entire
+race-root and rind of the Quincys--particularly strong! Aunt Nabby is
+subject to a series, too tedious to mention, of "sells" by the _quid
+nuncs_ and rapscallions of the day, and one of these "sells" is the pith
+of my present paper.
+
+It so fell out, when Jenny Lind arrived here, about every fool within
+five-and-fifty miles ran their heels and brazen faces after the
+Nightingale and her carriage wherever she went, from her bed-chamber to
+her dinner table, from her drawing-room to the Concert Hall. It took
+Barnum and his whole "private secretary" force and equal number of
+policemen and servants, besides Stephens himself, of the Revere, and his
+bar-keeper, to keep the mob from rushing pell-mell up stairs and
+surrounding Jenny as Paddy did the Hessians.
+
+Now and then a desperate fellow got in--had an audience, grinned, backed
+down and went his way, tickled as a dog with two tails. Others were
+victimized by notes from Barnum (!) or Miss Lind's "private secretary,"
+offering an interview, and many of these transactions were "rich and
+racy" enough, in all conscience, for the pages of a modern Joe Miller.
+But Aunt Nabby Folsom's time was about as rich as the raciest, and will
+bear rehearsing--easy.
+
+"Good morning, sir," said a pleasing-looking, neatly-dressed, elderly
+lady, to the two scant yards of starch and dickey behind Stephens' slab
+of marble at the Revere.
+
+"Good morning, ma'am," responded the _clark_, who, not knowing exactly
+who the lady was, _jerked_ down his well-oiled and brushed "wig and
+whiskers" to the entire satisfaction of the matronly lady, who went on
+to say--
+
+"I wish to see Miss Lind, sir."
+
+"Guess she's engaged, ma'am."
+
+"Well, but I've an invitation, sir, from Miss Lind, to call at 9 A. M.
+to-day. I like to be punctual, sir; my time is quite precious; I called
+precisely as desired; Miss Lind appointed the time; and----"
+
+"Oh, very well, very well, ma'am," said the _clark_, with a flourish,
+"if Miss Lind has invited you----"
+
+"Why, of course she has! Here's her--"
+
+"O, never mind, ma'am; all correct, I presume."
+
+The "pipes" and bells soon had the attendance of a gang of
+white-jacketed, polish-faced Paddies, and the elderly lady was
+marshalled, double-file, towards the apartments of the Nightingale.
+
+Jenny had but just "turned out," and was "feeding" on the right wing and
+left breast of a lark, the leg of a canary, "a dozen fried" humming
+bird eggs--her customary fodder of a morning.
+
+The servants passed the countersigns, and the elderly lady was
+admitted--the Nightingale, without disturbing the ample folds of her
+camel's hair dressing-gown--a present from the Sultan of all the
+Turkies, cost $3,000--motioned the matron to squat, and as soon as she
+got her throat in talking order, said--
+
+"Goot mornins."
+
+"How do you do?" responds the old lady.
+
+"Pooty well, tank'ees. You have some breakest? No!"
+
+"No, ma'am. I've had my breakfast three hours ago."
+
+"Yes? indeed! you rise up early, eh?--Well, it is goot for ze hels, eh?"
+
+"So my doctor says," responded the matron. "But I like to get up and be
+stirring around."
+
+"Ah! yes; you stir around, eh? What you stir around?"
+
+"Well, Miss Lind, I'll tell you what I stir around. I-stir-the-monsters
+(Miss Lind looks sharp)
+who-try-to-trample-on-the-universal-rights-_of-woman!_ (The matron 'up'
+and gesticulating like the brakes of an engine--Miss Lind drops her
+eating tools--eyes of the two servants bulge out!) A-n-d
+I-stir-the-demagogues-who-assemble-in-Faneuil-Hall (down with the
+brakes!), to prevent-the-freedom-of-speech (rush upon the brakes!),
+a-a-n-d-put-me-down!"
+
+It was evident that the appetite of the Nightingale was getting
+spoiled--she looked suspicious, and, just in time to prevent the female
+orator--who was no other personage, of course, than Aunt Nabby Folsom,
+from ripping into a regular caucus fanfaronade of gamboge and gas, a
+knock upon the door announced a "call" for Miss Lind, to dress and
+appear to a fresh lot of bores--yclept the Mayor and his suit of
+Deacons, soup, pork and bean-venders.
+
+"Ah! yes; I will be ready in one min't. Madame, you will please come
+again; once more, adieu--good mornins--adieu!"
+
+And Aunt Nabby, in spite of her ancient teeth, found herself bowed--half
+way down stairs--into the hall, and clean out doors, before she caught
+her breath to say another word upon the interminable subject of the
+freedom of speech and woman's rights!
+
+But Aunt Nabby "blowed"--O! didn't she _blow_ to the various tea and
+toast coteries, scandal and slang express women--and the various knots
+of anxious crowds who stood about Bowdoin Square during the Lind mania!
+Aunt Nabby had had a genuine _tete-a-tete_ with the Nightingale--and,
+ecod, an invitation to call again! But Jenny Lind, and her cordon of
+sentinels, secretaries and suckers, were "fly" for the old screech owl,
+when again and again she beset the _clark_ and the stairways of the
+Revere. Though Aunt Nabby hung on and growled dreadfully, she finally
+caved in and kept away.
+
+When Jenny Lind gave the proceeds of one concert to charitable purposes,
+among the items set down in the list was--"A poor woman--_one hundred
+dollars!_"
+
+"Why, it's you, of course," said a _quid-nunc_, to Aunt Abby, as she
+held the Evening Transcript in her hands, in the store of Redding & Co.,
+and observed the interesting item above alluded to.
+
+"Well, so I think," says Aunt Nabby. "If I ain't a poor woman, and a
+var-tuous woman, and a good and _true woman_ (down came her brakes on
+the book piles), I'd like to know where--_where_, on this univarsal
+_yearth_ (down with the brakes), you'd find one! One hundred dollars to
+a poor woman," she continued, reading the item. "I must be the
+person--yes, Abigail, _thou art the man!_" she concluded in her favorite
+apothegm.
+
+The _quid_ gave Abby the residence of the Agent (!) who was to disburse
+the Lind charities, and away went Abby to the Agent, who happened to be
+an amateur joker; knowing Aunt Abby, and smelling a "sell," he told the
+old 'un that Mr. Somerby, of No. -- Cornhill, the joker of the Post, was
+the Agent, and would shell out next morning, at nine o'clock. At that
+hour, S. had Aunt Nabby in his sanctum. He knew the ropes, so assured
+Abby that there was a mistake; Charles Davenport, of Cornhill, rear of
+Joy's building, was the man. Charles D. informed Aunt Nabby, that he had
+declined to disburse for Miss Lind, but that Bro. Norris, of the Yankee
+Blade, had the pile, and was serving it out to an excited mob. Norris
+declared that she was in error. She was not, by a jug full, the only,
+poor woman in town, and didn't begin to be _the_ poor woman set forth in
+Miss Lind's schedule! But Aunt Nabby wasn't to be _done!_ She besieged
+Miss Lind--followed her to the cars--mounted the platform--Jenny espied
+her, and to avoid a harangue on the freedom of speech and woman's
+rights, hid her head in her cloak. The last exclamation the Nightingale
+heard from the screech owl, was--
+
+"Miss Jane Lind--who was that poor wom-a-n?"
+
+
+
+
+Infirmities of Nature.
+
+
+Some folks are easily glorified. We once knew a man who became so elated
+because he was elected first sergeant in the militia, that he went home
+and put a silver plate on his door. Ollapod, in speaking of this kind of
+people, makes mention of one Sabin, who was so overjoyed the first time
+he saw his name in the list of letters, advertised by the post-office,
+that he called his friends together and put them through on woodcock.
+
+
+
+
+Andrew Jackson and his Mother.
+
+
+It is a most singular, or at least curious fact, connected with the
+histories of most all eminent men, that they were denied--by the decrees
+of stern poverty, or an all-wise Providence--those facilities and
+indulgences supposed to be so essentially necessary for the future
+success and prosperous career of young men, but acted as "whetstones" to
+sharpen and develop their true temper! The fact is very vivid in the
+early history of Andrew Jackson--a name that, like that of the great,
+godlike Washington, must survive the wreck of matter, the crush of
+worlds, and, passing down the vista of each successive age, brighter and
+more glorious, unto those generations yet to come, when time shall have
+obliterated the asperities of partisan feeling, and learned to deal most
+gently with the human frailties of the illustrious dead.
+
+Andrew Jackson, senior, emigrated from Ireland in 1765, with his wife
+and two boys--Hugh and Robert, both very young; they landed at
+Charleston, S. C, where Jackson found employment as a laborer, and
+continued to work thus for several years, until, possessed of a few
+dollars, he went to the interior of the state and bought a small place
+near Waxhaw. About this time, 1767, Andrew Jackson, Jr., was born, and
+during the next year--by the time the infant could lisp the name of his
+parent--the father fell sick of fever and died. Mrs. Jackson, left with
+three small children, in an almost wild country, where nothing but toil
+of a severe and arduous kind could provide a subsistence, was indeed in
+a most grievous situation. But she appears to have been a woman of no
+ordinary temperament, courage, and perseverance, for she continued
+cheerfully the work left her--rearing her boys, and preparing them for
+the situations in life they might be destined to fill. Mrs. Jackson was
+a woman of some information, and a strong advocate for the rights and
+liberties of men; as, it is said, she not only gave her boys their first
+rudiments of an English education, but often indulged in glowing
+lectures to them of the importance of instilling in their hearts and
+principles an unrelenting war against pomp, power, and circumstance of
+monarchical governments and institutions! She led them to know that they
+were born free and equal with the best of earth, and that that position
+was to be their heritage--maintained even at the peril of life and
+property! and how well he learned these chivalric lessons, the
+countrymen of Andrew Jackson need not now be told, as it was exemplified
+in every page of his whole history.
+
+Hugh, Robert, and Andrew, were now the widow's hope and treasures; Hugh
+and Robert were her main dependence in working their little farm, and
+Andrew, never a very robust person, was early sent to the best schools
+in the neighborhood, and much care taken by his mother to have him at
+least educated for a profession--the ministry. This resolve was more
+perhaps decided upon from the naturally stern, contemplative, and fixed
+principles of young Jackson; as at the early age of fifteen, he was by
+nature well prepared for the scenes being enacted around him, and in
+which, even those young as himself, were called upon to take an active
+part. This was in the days of the revolution, when the weak in numbers
+of this continent were about to try the _experiment_ of living free and
+independent, and establish the fact that royalty was an imposition and a
+humbug, only maintained by arrogance and pomp at the point of the
+bayonet.
+
+The British had begun the war--already had the echoes of "Bunker Hill,"
+and the smell of "villainous saltpetre," invaded and aroused the quiet
+dwellers in the woods and wilds of South Carolina, and the chivalric
+spirit that has ever characterized the men of the Palmetto state, at
+once responded to the tocsin of _liberty_. It was with no slight degree
+of sorrow and aching of the mother's heart, that she saw her two sons,
+Hugh and Robert, shoulder their muskets and join the Spartan band that
+assembled at Waxhaw Court-house. But she blessed her children and gave
+up her holy claim of a mother's love, for the common cause of the infant
+nation.
+
+Cornwallis and his army crossed the Yadkin, Lord Rawden, with a large
+force, took the town of Camden, and began a desolation of the adjacent
+country. Being apprised of a "rebel force" in arms at Waxhaw, he
+immediately dispatched a company of dragoons, with a company of
+infantry, to capture or disperse the "rebels." About forty men,
+including the two boys Jackson, were attacked by these veterans of the
+British army, but aided by their true courage, a good cause, and perfect
+knowledge of the country, they gave the invaders a hot reception, and
+many of the enemy were killed; and not until having made the most
+determinate resistance, and being overwhelmed by the great majority of
+the opposing forces, did these patriots retreat, leaving many of their
+friends dead upon their soil, and eleven of their number prisoners in
+the hands of the British. It was during this fight that Andrew
+Jackson--a mere lad--hearing the noise of the conflict, while he sat in
+the log-house of his mother, besought her to allow him to take his
+father's gun, and fly to join his brothers. And it was vain that the
+parent restrained him, knowing the temperament of the boy, from this
+dangerous determination; for with one warm embrace and parting kiss upon
+the brow of his mother, Andrew Jackson buckled on his powder-horn and
+bullet-pouch, and rushed to the scene of battle. But his friends were
+already flying, and hotly pursued by the enemy. Andrew met his brother
+Robert, who informed him of the death of their elder brother, Hugh; the
+two boys now fled together and concealed themselves in the woods, where
+they lay until hunger drove them forth--they sought food at a farm
+house, the owner of which proved to be a _tory_, and gave information to
+some soldiers in the vicinity--the Jacksons were both captured and led
+to prison. In the affray--for they yielded only by force--Robert was cut
+on the head by a sword in the hands of a petty officer, and he died in
+great agony in prison. It was here and then that the firm and manly
+bearing of the boy was exhibited; for he stood his griefs and
+imprisonment like a true hero. Not a tear escaped him by which his
+enemies might be led to believe he feared their power, or wavered in his
+allegiance to the cause of his country.
+
+"Here, _boy_, clean my boots!" said an officer to him. But the bright
+defiant eye of the boy smote the captor with a look, and as he curled
+his firm lips in scorn, he answered,
+
+"No, sir, I will _not!_"
+
+"You won't? I'll tie you, you young saucy rebel, to your post, and skin
+your back with a horse whip, if you do not clean my boots."
+
+"Do it," said the lion-hearted boy--"for I'll not stoop to clean the
+boots of your master!"
+
+The infuriated ruffian drew his sword, and to defend his head from the
+blow, Andrew threw up his little hand and received a gash--the scar of
+which went with him to the tomb at the Hermitage. A Captain Walker, of
+South Carolina, with a dozen or twenty men, during the imprisonment of
+Andrew Jackson, made a desperate charge upon a company of the British,
+near Camden, and captured thirteen of them; these prisoners he exchanged
+for seven of his countrymen, including the boy Andrew Jackson, prisoners
+of the enemy. Andrew hurried home--his poor old mother was upon her
+death bed, attended by an old negro nurse of the Jackson family, and
+suffering not only from the great multitude of grief consequent upon the
+death of her heroic sons, but for want of the common necessaries of
+life, the invaders having stripped the widow of her last pound of
+provisions. The life-spark rekindled in the eye of the mother, as she
+beheld her darling boy safe at her bedside--she grasped his hand with
+the firmness of a dying woman, and turning her eyes upon the now weeping
+boy, said,
+
+"Andrew, I leave you,--son, you will soon be alone in the world; be
+faithful, be true to God and your country--that--when--the--hour of
+death approaches you--will have--nothing to--dread--every thing--to hope
+for."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Andrew was taken ill after the burial of his mother, and but for the
+constant and tender care of the old black nurse--the last of the Jackson
+family--would have then passed away; he recovered--he was alone--not a
+relative in the world; poor, and in a land ravaged by a foreign foe,
+could a boy be more desolate and lonely? With a few "effects" thrown
+upon his shoulders, he went to North Carolina, Salisbury, where he
+entered the office of a famed lawyer--Spruce M'Cay--was admitted to the
+bar in 1778--went to Tennessee--served as a soldier in the Indian wars
+of 1783--chosen a Senator 1797--Major General in 1801--whipped the
+British in the most conclusive manner at New Orleans in 1815, and
+triumphantly elected President of the United States for eight years in
+1829. Andrew Jackson followed his mother's advice, and he not only
+triumphed over his hard fortune, but died a Christian, full of hope, in
+1845.
+
+
+
+
+Snaking out Sturgeons.
+
+
+We have roared until our ribs fairly ached, at the relation of the
+following "item" on sturgeons, by a loquacious friend of ours:--
+
+It appears our friend was located on the Kennebec river, a few years
+ago, and had a number of hands employed about a dam, and the sturgeons
+were very numerous and extremely docile. They would frequently come
+poking their noses close up to the men standing in the water, and one of
+the men bethought him how delicious a morsel of pickled sturgeon was,
+and he forthwith made a preparation to "snake out" a clever-sized fish.
+Getting an iron rod at the blacksmith's shop, close at hand, he bends up
+one end like a fish hook, and, slipping out into the stream, he slily
+places the hook under the sturgeon's nose and into its round hole of a
+mouth, expecting to fasten on to the victimized, harmless fish, and
+"yank" him clean and clear out of his watery element. But, "lordy,"
+wasn't he mistaken and surprised! The moment the hook touched the inside
+of the sturgeon's mouth, the creature backed water so sudden and
+forcibly as to near jerk the holder of the hook's head from its socket.
+The poor fellow was forty rods under water, and going down stream,
+before he mustered presence of mind enough to induce him to let go the
+hook!
+
+However, the lookers-on of this curious man[oe]uvre took a boat and
+fished out their half-drowned comrade, who concluded that he had paid
+pretty dearly for his whistle.
+
+The sturgeon-catching did not end here. After the laugh of the
+above-mentioned adventure had ceased, some one offered to bet a hat that
+he could hold a sturgeon and snake him clean out of the water; and as
+the man who _had_ tried the experiment felt altogether dubious about it,
+he at once bet that the sturgeon would be more than a match for any man
+in the crowd.
+
+The wager was duly staked, a rod crooked, the operator tucked up his
+sleeves and trowsers, and wades out to where a sturgeon or two were
+lying off in the shallow water. Of course the operation now became a
+matter of considerable interest; and as the man was a stout, hearty
+fellow, able to hold a bull by the horns, few entertained doubts of his
+bringing out _his_ sturgeon.
+
+After a long time the operator gets his hook under the sturgeon, and
+leans forward to stick it close into the jaws of the victim; and no
+sooner was that part of the feat accomplished, than Mr. Sturgeon "backs
+out" with the velocity of chain lightning, carrying his assailant under
+water and down stream! The man held on; and there they went, foaming and
+pitching, until the fellow, finding his breath nearly out of his body;
+his neck, arms, and legs just about dislocated, concluded to lose the
+hat and let the hook and sturgeon go!
+
+Pretty well used up, the poor fellow succeeded in getting out of the
+river, a convert to the first experimental idea of the strength and
+velocity of fish, especially a big sturgeon.
+
+Beginning to imagine that fish could swim, or had some muscular power,
+several of the bystanders were rife for experimenting on the sturgeons.
+
+Another iron rod was converted into a hook, and two burly-built Paddys
+volunteered to hook the fish. An opportunity was not long waited for,
+ere a jolly good elastic nosed genus sturgeon came smelling up close to
+where the Paddys had posted themselves upon some moss-covered, slippery
+stones, and with a sudden spasmodic effort, the man with the hook
+planted it firmly into the suction hole of the fish, while his companion
+held on to a rope fast to the hook. Before Pat could say Jack Robinson,
+of course he was jerked off his feet, and, letting go the iron, the
+other Paddy and the sturgeon set sail, having all the fun to themselves!
+This proved, or very nearly so, a serious _denouement_ to the
+sturgeon-catching by hand, for Paddy was carried clean and clear off
+soundings, and so repeatedly immersed in deep water, that his life was
+within an ace of being wet out of his body. The rope parted at last
+(poor Pat never thought of letting go his "hould"), and being dipped out
+of the liquid element and rolled over a barrel until his insides were
+emptied of the water, and heat restored through the influence of
+whiskey, he recovered, and further experimenting on sturgeons, that
+season, in the Kennebec, ceased.
+
+
+
+
+Mixing Meanings--Mangling English.
+
+
+There is an individual in Quincy Market, "doing business," who is down
+on customers who don't speak proper.
+
+"What's eggs, this morning?" says a customer.
+
+"_Eggs_, of course," says the dealer.
+
+"I mean--how do they _go_?"
+
+"Go?--where?"
+
+"Sho--!" says the customer, getting up his _fury_, "what for eggs?"
+
+"Money, money, sir! or good endorsed credit!" says the dealer.
+
+"Don't you understand the English language, sir?" says the customer.
+
+"Not as you mix it and mangle it; I don't!" responded the egg merchant.
+
+"What--is--the--price--per--dozen--for--your--eggs?"
+
+"Ah! now you talk," says the dealer. "Sixteen cents per dozen, is the
+price, sir!" They traded!
+
+
+
+
+Waking up the Wrong Passenger.
+
+
+In "comparing notes" with a travelled friend, I glean from his stock of
+information, gathered South-west, a few incidents in the life of a
+somewhat extensively famed Boston panoramic artist--one of which
+incidents, at least, is worth rehearsing. Some years ago, the South-west
+was beset by an organized coalition of desperadoes, whose daring
+outrages kept travellers and the dwellers in the Mississippi valley in
+continual fear and anxiety. "Running niggers" was one of the most
+popular and profitable branches of the business pursuits of these
+gentlemen freebooters, and, next to horse-stealing, was the most
+practised.
+
+At length, the citizens "measured swords" with the freebooters, or land
+pirates, more properly; forming themselves into committees, the citizens
+opened _Court_ and practised Judge Lynch's _code_ upon a multitude of
+just occasions. At the time of which we write, Mill's Point, on the
+Mississippi, was no great shakes of a _town_, but a spot where a very
+considerable amount of whiskey was drank, and a corresponding quantity
+of crime and desperate doings were enacted; indeed, some of the worst
+scenes in Southern Kentucky's tragic dramas were performed there. It so
+fell out, that some of the land pirates had been actively engaged in
+levying upon the negroes and mules around Mill's Point, and the
+protective committee were on the alert to capture and administer the law
+upon these fellows. It was discovered, one evening, as the shades of a
+black and rather tempestuous night were closing upon the mighty "father
+of waters" and his ancient banks, that a mysterious _voyageur_, or sort
+of piratical _vidette_, was seen in his light canoe, hugging the shore,
+either for shelter or some insidious purpose.
+
+The canoe and its navigator were diligently watched; but the coming
+storm and darkness soon closed observation, and the parties noticing the
+transaction hurried forward to the _Point_, and announced one or more of
+the land pirates in the neighborhood! Of course, the town--of some four
+houses, six "groceries," a _store_ and blacksmithery--was aroused,
+indignant! Impatient for a victim, the _posse comitatus_ "fired up,"
+armed to the teeth with pistol, bludgeon, blunderbuss, gun, bowie-knife,
+and--whiskey, started up the river to reconnoitre and intercept the
+pirate and his crew.
+
+Each nook and corner along shore, for some three miles, was
+carefully--as much so as the darkness would admit--scoured. The
+Storm-King rode by, the stars again twinkled in the azure-arched
+heavens, and soon, too, the bright silver moon beamed forth, and
+suddenly one of the vigilant committee espies the land-pirate and his
+canoe noiselessly floating down the rapid stream! No time was to be
+lost; the committee man, rather pleased with the fact of his being the
+first to make the discovery, apprised a comrade, and the two hurried
+back to the Point, to get a canoe and start out to capture the enemy.
+The canoe was obtained, three courageous men, armed to the teeth, as the
+saying goes, paddled off, and indeed they had not far to paddle, for
+right ahead they saw the mysterious canoe of the enemy! Where was the
+pirate? Asleep! Lying down in his frail vessel; either asleep, or
+"playing possum." At all events, the Mills-Pointers gave the enemy but a
+brief period to sleep or act; for, dashing alongside, a brawny arm
+seized the victim in the strange canoe by the breast and throat, with
+such a rush and fierceness that both canoes were upon the apex of
+"swamping."
+
+"Don't move! Don't budge an inch, or you're a case for eels, you thief!"
+
+"Make catfish bait of him at once!" yelled the second.
+
+"Don't move," cried the third, "don't move, you possum, or you're
+giblets, instanter!"
+
+But these injunctions scarcely seemed necessary, for, even had the
+captive been so inclined, he neither possessed the power nor opportunity
+to move a limb.
+
+"Haul him out," cried one.
+
+"Yes, lug him into our boat," said another; "so now, you skunk, lay
+still; don't open your trap, or I'll brain you on sight!"
+
+Having transferred the body of the captive from his "own canoe" to
+theirs, the Mills-Pointers made fast the stranger's _dug-out_, and then
+paddled for the landing. The pirate was duly hauled ashore, or on to the
+_wharf-boat_, and left under guard of one of the captors--a dreadful
+ugly-looking customer, a _cross_ between a whiskey-cask, bowie-knife,
+and a Seminole Indian or bull-dog, and armed equal to an arsenal--while
+the other two went up to the nearest "grocery," reported the capture,
+took a drink, and sent out word for _Court_ to meet. The poor victim was
+deposited on his back across some barrels, with his hands tied behind
+him. Recovering his scattered senses, the _pirate_ "waked up."
+
+"Look here, my virtuous friend," said he to his body-guard, who sat on
+an opposite barrel, with a heavy pistol in his hand, "what's all this
+about?"
+
+"Shet up!" responded the guard; "shet up your gourd. You'll know what's
+up, pooty soon, you ugly cuss, you!"
+
+"Well, that's explicit, anyhow!" coolly continued the captive. "But all
+I want to know, is--am I to be robbed, killed off, or only initiated
+into the mysteries of your craft?"
+
+"Shet up, you piratin' cuss, you; shet up, or I'll give you a settler!"
+was the reply.
+
+[Illustration: "Shet up, you piratin' cuss you; shet up or I'll give you
+a settler!--_Page_ 305.]
+
+"Well, really, you are accommodating," cavalierly replied the but little
+daunted captive. "One thing consoling I glean, my virtuous friend, from
+your scraps of information--you are not a pirate yourself, or in favor
+of that science! But I should like to know, old fellow, where I am, and
+what the deuce I'm here for."
+
+"Well, you'll soon diskiver the perticklers, for here comes the _Court_,
+and they'll have you dancin' on nothin' and kickin' at the wind, pooty
+soon; you kin stake your pile on that!"
+
+And with this, a hum was heard, and soon a mob of a dozen
+well-_stimulated_ citizens, and strangers about the Point, came rushing
+and yelling on to the wharf-boat and were quite as immediately gathered
+around the captive. The first impulse of the _posse comitatus_ appeared
+to manifest itself in a desire to hang the victim--straight up! A second
+(how _sober_ we know not) thought induced them to ask a question or two,
+and for this purpose the presiding _judge_ drew up before the still
+prostrate captive, and said--
+
+"Who are you? What have you got to say for yourself, anyhow?"
+
+The sunburnt, ragged, and rather romantic-looking prisoner turned his
+face towards the _judge_, and replied--
+
+"I have nothing of consequence to say, neighbor. I would like to know,
+however, what all this means!"
+
+"Where's your crew, you villain?" said the _judge_.
+
+"Crew? I have never found it necessary to have any, neighbor; navigation
+never engrossed a great deal of my attention, but I get along down here
+very well--without a crew!"
+
+"You do?" responded the _judge_; "well, we're going to hang you up."
+
+"You are, eh?" was the cool reply; "well, I have always been opposed to
+capital punishment, neighbor, and I know it would be unpleasant to me
+now!"
+
+The quiet manner of his reply rather won upon the _Court_, and says the
+_judge_--
+
+"Who are you, and where are you from?"
+
+"My name is Banvard--John Banvard, from Boston!"
+
+"It is, eh? What are you doing along here, alone in a canoe?"
+
+"_Taking a panorama of the Mississippi, neighbor, that's all._"
+
+The _Court_ adjourned _sine die_; the clever artist was untied, treated
+to the best the market afforded, that night; his canoe, rifle, &c.,
+restored next day, and John went on his way rejoicing in his narrow
+escape--finished his sketches, and the first great panorama "got up" in
+our country, and which he took to Europe, after making a fortune by it
+in America.
+
+
+
+
+Genius for Business.
+
+
+It's a highly prized faculty in shop-keeping to sell something when a
+customer comes in, if you can. A female relative of ours went into a
+Hanover street fancy store 'tother day, to "look over" some ivory card
+and needle cases; the slightly agricultural-looking clerk "flew around,"
+and when the question "Have you any ivory card cases?" was propounded,
+he responded--
+
+"Not any, mum;" glancing into the show-case, his visual orbs _lit_ upon
+a profusion of well-known matters in domestic economy, for the
+abrogation of certain parasitic insects.
+
+"Haven't any card cases, mum,--_got some elegant ivory small-tooth
+combs!_"
+
+
+
+
+Have You Got Any Old Boots?
+
+
+No slight portion of the ills that flesh is heir to, in a city life, is
+the culinary item of rent day. Washing day has had its day--machines and
+_fluid_ have made washing a matter of science and ease, and we are no
+longer bearded by fuming and uncouth women in the sulks and suds, as of
+yore, on the day set apart for renovating soiled dimities and dickeys.
+Another and more important matter, from the extent of its obnoxiousness
+to our nerves and temper, has come home to our very threshold and
+hearths, to disturb the even tenor of our domestic quietude and peace.
+
+"_Have you got any ole boots?_"
+
+Boston lost a good citizen by those bell-pulling, gate-whacking,
+back-door-pounding infernal collectors of time and care-worn _boots_.
+The old boot gatherers were almost as diverting as novel to me, when I
+first located in Boston; but I have long since learned to hate and abhor
+them, and their co-laborers in the tin-pan, tape, tea-pot, willow work,
+and white pine ware trade, with a most religious enthusiasm.
+
+"_Have you got any ole boots?_"
+
+How often--a hundred times at least, have I gone to the door and heard
+this inquiry--ten times in one day, for I kept count of it, and used
+enough "strong language" at each shutting--banging to of the door, to
+last a "first officer" through a gale of wind.
+
+"_Have you got any ole boots?_"
+
+The idea of jumping up from your beef steak and coffee, or morning
+paper--just as you had got into a deeply interesting bit of information
+on "breadstuff's," California, or the Queen's last baby, to open your
+door, and espy a grim-visaged and begrimed son of the Emerald Isle,
+just rearing his phiz above the pyramid of ancient and defiled leather,
+and meekly asking--
+
+"_Have yez got any ole boots?_"
+
+These _collectors_ are of course prepared for any amount of explosive
+_gas_ you may shower down upon their uncombed crowns, as the cool and
+perfectly-at-home manner they descend your steps to mount those of your
+next-door neighbor plainly indicates. The "pedlers" and--
+
+"_Have you got any ole boots?_"
+
+Drove my respected--middle-aged friend Mansfield--clear out of town! Mr.
+Mansfield was a _retired_ flour merchant; he was not rich, but well to
+do in the world. He had no children of his own, in lieu of which,
+however, he had become responsible for the "bringing up" of two orphans
+of a friend. One of these children was a boy, old enough to be
+_devilish_ and mightily inclined that way. The boy's name was Philip,
+the foster father he called Uncle Henry, and not long after arriving in
+town, and opening house at the South End, Mr. Mansfield--who was given
+to quiet musings, book and newspaper reading--found that he was likely
+to become a victim to the aforesaid hawkers, pedlers and old boot
+collectors.
+
+Uncle Henry stood it for a few months, with the firmness of an
+experienced philosopher, laying the flattering unction to his soul that,
+however harrowing--
+
+"_Got any ole boots to-day?_"
+
+might be to him, for the present, he could grin and bear and finally get
+used to it, as other people did. But Uncle Henry possessed an irritable
+and excitable temperament, that not one man in ten thousand could boast
+of, and hence he grew--at length sour, then savage, and, finally, quite
+meat-axish, towards every outsider who dared to ring his bell, and
+proffer wooden ware and tin fixins, for rags and rubbers, or make the
+never-to-be-forgotten inquiry--
+
+"_Have you got any ole boots to-day?_"
+
+Always at home, seated in his front parlor, and his frugal wife not
+permitting the expense of a servant, Uncle Henry, or Master Philip, were
+obliged to wait on the door. The old gentleman finally concluded that
+the pedlers and old boot collectors, more as a matter of daily amusement
+than profit or concern--gave him a call. And laboring under this
+impression, Uncle Henry determined to give the nuisances, as he called
+them, a reception commensurate with their impertinence and his worked up
+ire.
+
+"Now, Philly," said Uncle Henry, one morning after breakfast, "we'll fix
+these--
+
+"'_Got any ole boots?_'
+
+"We'll give the rascals a caution, they won't neglect soon, I'll warrant
+them. Bring me the hammer and nails; that's a man; now get uncle the
+high chair; so, that's it; now I'll fix this shelf up over the top of
+the door, on a pivot--bore this hole through here--put the string
+through that way, here, umph; oh, now we'll have a trap for the
+scoundrels. I'll learn them how to come pulling people's bells, clean
+out by the very roots, making us drop all, to come wait on them, rot
+them--
+
+"'_Got any ole boots?_'
+
+"I'll give you old boots, by the lord Harry; I'll give you a dose of
+something you won't forget, to your dying day."
+
+And thus jabbering, fixing and pushing about the revolving shelf, over
+his hall door, Mr. Mansfield worked away at his trap. Like that of most
+dwellings in Boston, Uncle Henry's front door was _sunk_ some six or
+eight feet into the face of the house, reached by a flight of six
+granite steps--side and top lights to the door, in the ordinary way,
+with brass plate and bell pull. It was in a neighborhood not _plebeian_
+enough to induce butcher boys to enter the hall, with the pork and
+potatoes, nor admit of the servant girl heaving "slops" out of the
+front windows; yet not sufficiently parvenu to impress pedlers and
+
+"_Got any ole boots?_"
+
+with aristocratic or "respectable" _awe_, ere venturing to mount the
+steps, pull the bell, and mention tin pots, scrap iron, rags and old
+leather. Mr. Mansfield was inclined to _chuckle_ in his sleeves at the
+_ruse_ he would be enabled to give his tormentors through the agency of
+his revolving battery--charged with ground charcoal and brick dust, to
+be worked by himself or Philly, by means of a string on the inside.
+Philly was duly initiated into the _modus operandi_; when--
+
+"_Got any ole boots?_"
+
+made his appearance, amid his pyramid of leather, or a pedler's wagon
+was seen in the neighborhood, Philly was to be on the _qui vive_, inform
+Uncle Henry, and if they mounted the steps, he would give them a shower
+bath upon a new and astonishing principle.
+
+It was perfect "nuts" for Master Phil; he was tickled at the idea, and
+readily agreed to Uncle Henry's propositions. Not long after arranging
+the "infernal machine," Uncle Henry's attention was called to another
+part of the house; a dire calamity had befallen the Canary bird; a
+strange cat had pounced upon the cage--the door flew open, and puss
+nabbed the little warbler. Philly, on the look out, in front, discovers
+two old boot men approaching the neighborhood; desirous of showing his
+own skill, he did not call Uncle Henry, but posted himself behind the
+door--string in hand, awaiting the _cue_. Feet approach--quickly the
+feet mount the steps.
+
+"_Ding al ling, ding de ding, ding, ding, ding!_"
+
+"_Sh-i-i-s-swashe!_" and down comes the avalanche of coal dust and
+refined brick, the bulk of a peck, fair measurement!
+
+Uncle Henry reached the door just in time to see the penny postman
+covered from head to foot with the obnoxious composition! Philly took
+occasion to make a sudden exit, the postman swore--swore like a trooper,
+but Uncle Henry managed to pack the whole transaction upon the "devilish
+boy"--brushed the postman's clothes, and after some effort, so mollified
+him as to induce the sufferer to depart in peace. Uncle Henry _tried_ to
+be very severe on Philly, but it was very evident to that hopeful that
+the old gentleman was more tickled than serious. Philly cleared the
+steps, and the old gentleman re-arranged the trap, admonishing Philly
+not to dare to meddle with it again, but call him when--
+
+"_Got any ole boots?_" made their appearance.
+
+All was quiet up to noon next day; Uncle Henry had business down town,
+and left the house at 9 A. M. Philly was at school, but got home before
+Uncle Henry, and seeing the pedler wagon near the door--slipped in, and
+learning that the old gentleman was out, he gladly took charge of the
+battery again. Now, just as the pedler mounted the steps of the next
+door, Mr. Mansfield sees him, and hurries up his own steps, to be on the
+watch for the pedler. Philly had been peeking out the corner of the side
+curtain, and seeing the pedler coming, as he thought, right up the
+steps--nabbed the string, and as Uncle Henry caught the knob of the
+door--down came thundering the brick dust and charcoal both, in the most
+elegant profusion.
+
+Phil was _tricked_. Uncle Henry's vociferations were equal to that of a
+drunken beggar--the trap was removed, Uncle Henry got disgusted with
+city life, and left--for rural retirement, without as much as giving one
+single rebuke to--
+
+"_Got any ole boots to-day?_"
+
+
+
+
+The Vagaries of Nature.
+
+
+Nature seems to have her fitful, frightful, and funny moods, as well as
+all her children. Now she gets up a stone bridge, the gigantic
+proportions and the symmetrical development of which attract great
+attention from all tourists and historians who venture into or speak of
+"old Virginia." The old dame goes down far into the bowels of Mother
+Earth, in Kentucky, and builds herself, silently and alone, a stupendous
+under-ground palace, that laughs to scorn the puny efforts of man in
+that branch of business. She gets up sugar-loaf mountains, pillars of
+salt, great granite breastworks, and stone towers; hews out
+figure-heads, old men's noses on the beetling cliffs of New Hampshire,
+and throws up rocky palisades along the Hudson, that win wonder and
+delight from the floating million. Instances out of all number might be
+raked up, home and abroad, to show how the old dame has cut _didoes_ in
+the prosecution of her manifold duties. But in Australia, it would seem,
+nature has taken most especial pains to appear slightly ridiculous or
+very eccentric.
+
+Old Captain Rocksalt informs us--and there is always wit, wisdom, and
+truth in the old man's stories--that he made voyages to Australia many
+times within the past thirty years, and having visited about all the
+sea-ports of the Continent, lived and almost died in Australia, his
+notes are worthy of attention. Capt. Cook discovered and named _Botany
+Bay_, the name originating from the fact that the land was covered with
+a luxurious growth of Botanical specimens. The Dutch discovered and
+named _Van Diemen's Land_. The English at once concluded to make Botany
+Bay a penal colony, and the first living freight of criminals and
+soldiers sent out, was some 700 in number, in 1788; but Capt. Phillip,
+the commander of the fleet, being dissatisfied with the looks of Botany
+Bay, hunted up a better place, and sailed to it. When Capt. Cook was
+cruising off there, one of his sailors, on the look out, cried, "Land
+ho!"
+
+Cook was over his wine and beef, in the cabin, and it took him some time
+to "tumble up" on deck.
+
+"Where the deuce is your land, eh?" bawls the old cruiser.
+
+"Larboard beam, sir!" responds the "lookout;" and, sure enough, a long,
+faint streak of land was visible from deck. The "lookout" announced a
+harbor, head-lands, &c.; but the rum old captain, not being able to see
+any such indication, with a chuckle, says he--
+
+"You booby! harbor, eh? Ha, ha! well, we'll call it a port, you powder
+monkey--_Port Jackson!_"
+
+And faith, so the lookout, Jackson, became sponsor to the finest harbor
+in all Australia; for Capt. Phillip, upon rediscovering the harbor, took
+his fleet into it, and then and there began the now flourishing city of
+Sydney.
+
+Australia is an Island, lying opposite another--New Zealand. It is on
+the Indian Ocean, south side, while the east opens to the Pacific.
+Australia claims to contain a superficial area of over three million
+square miles, part desert, rather mountainous, and all being in one of
+the finest climates on the face of the earth. The air is dry, the soil
+light and sandy; the high winds stir up the dust and fine sand, and make
+ophthalmy the only positive ill peculiar to the country. Sheep-grazing,
+wool-growing, and boiling down sheep and cattle for tallow was the great
+business of the country from its earliest settlement up to 1851, when
+the _gold fever_ swept the land.
+
+Australia was inhabited by over 100,000 natives, black cannibals of the
+ugliest description; but at this day not a hundred of them remain. The
+natives were exceeding stupid and useless; the first settlers, who, as
+Capt. Rocksalt observes, were jail-birds and scape-gallows, were not
+very dainty in dealing with the obnoxious natives; so they determined to
+get rid of them as fast and easy as possible. For this purpose, they
+used to gather a horde of them together, and give them poisoned bread
+and rum, and so kill them off by hundreds. It was a sharp sort of
+_practice_, but the _ends_ seemed to justify the _means_.
+
+Gold, "laying around loose," as it did, was, no doubt, _discovered_
+years ago; but not in quantities to lead the ignorant to believe money
+could be made hunting it. People may be stupid; but it requires a far
+greener capacity than most of them would confess to--at least, ten years
+ago--to make them believe gold could be picked up in chunks out in the
+open fields.
+
+But Australia began to be populated; by convicts first; and then by far
+better people; though the very worst felons sent out often became decent
+and respectable men, which is indeed a great "puff," we think, for the
+healthfulness of the climate. A convict shepherd now and then used to
+bring into Sydney small lumps of gold and sell them to the watch-makers,
+and as he refused to say where or how he got them, it was suspicioned
+that he had secreted guineas or jewelry somewhere, and occasionally
+melted them for sale.
+
+However, one day the thing broke out, nearly simultaneously, all over
+Australia. Gold was lying around everywhere. The rocks, ledges, bars,
+gullies, and river-banks, which were daily familiar to the eyes of
+thousands, all of a sudden turned up bright and shining gold. Old Dame
+Nature must have laughed in her sleeve to see the fun and uproar--the
+scrabble and rush she had caused in her vast household.
+
+"It did beat _all!_" exclaims the old Captain. "In forty-eight hours
+Sydney was half-depopulated, Port Phillip nearly desolate, while the
+interior villages or towns--Bathurst, &c., were run clean out!"
+
+Stores were shut up, the clerks running to the mines, and the
+proprietors after the clerks. Mechanics dropped work and put out;
+servants left without winking, leaving people to wait on themselves;
+doctors left what few patients they had, and bolted for the fields of
+Ophir; lawyers packed up and cut stick, following their clients and
+victims to the brighter fields of "causes" and effects. The newspapers
+became so short-handed that dailies were knocked into weeklies, and the
+weeklies into cocked hats, or something near it--mere eight-by-ten
+"handbills."
+
+These "discoveries" wrought as sudden as singular a revolution in men,
+manners, and things. As we said before, Australia was the very apex of
+singularities in the way of Dame Nature's fancy-work, long before the
+gold mania broke out; but now she seemed bent on a general and
+miscellaneous freak, making the staid, matter-of-fact Englishmen as full
+of caprice as the land they were living in.
+
+"Only look at it!" exclaims the Captain: "the day comes in the middle of
+our nights! When we're turning in at home, they are turning out in
+Australia. Summer begins in the middle of winter; and for snow storms
+they get rain, thunder and lightning. About the time we are getting used
+to our woollens and hot fires of the holidays, they are roasting with
+heat, and going around in linen jackets and wilted dickeys. The land is
+full of flowers of every hue, gay and beautiful, gorgeous and sublime to
+look at, but as senseless to the smell and as inodorous as so many dried
+chips. The swans are numerous, but jet black. The few animals in the
+country are all provided with pockets in their 'overcoats,' or skin, in
+which to stow their young ones, or provender. Some of the rivers really
+appear," says the Captain, "to run up stream! I was completely taken
+down," says the Captain, "by a bunch of the finest pears you ever saw.
+Myself and a friend were up the country, and I sees a fine pear tree,
+breaking down with as elegant-looking fruit as I ever saw.
+
+"'Well, by ginger,' says I, 'them are about as fine pears as I've seen
+these twenty years!'
+
+"'Yes,' says my friend, who was a resident in the country; 'perhaps you
+would like to try a few?'
+
+"'That I shall,' says I; so I ups and knocks down a few, and it was a
+job to get them down, I tell you; and when I had one between my teeth I
+gave it a nip--see there, two teeth broke off," says the Captain,
+showing us the fact; "the fine pears _were mere wood!_
+
+"The country is well supplied with fine birds; but they are dumb as
+beetles, sir--never heard a bird sing or whistle a note in Australia.
+The trees make no shade, the leaves hang from the stems edge up, and
+look just as if they had been whipped into shreds by a gale of wind; and
+you rarely see a tree with a bit of bark on it.
+
+"But what completely upset me, was the cherries, sir--fine cherries,
+plenty of them, but the _stones were all on the outside!_ The bees have
+no stings, the snakes no fangs, and the eagles are all white. The north
+wind is hot, the south wind cold. Our longest days are in summer; but in
+Australia, sir, the shortest days come in summer, and the longest in
+winter; and," says the Captain, "I can't begin to tell you how many
+curious didoes nature seems to cut, in that country; but, altogether,
+it's one of the queerest countries I ever did see, by ginger!"
+
+And we have come to the conclusion--it is. If the gold continues to
+"turn up" in such boulders and "nuggets" as recently reported, Australia
+is bound to be the richest and most densely populated, as well as
+_queerest_ country known to man.
+
+
+
+
+A General Disquisition on "Hinges."
+
+
+Did you ever see a real, true, unadulterated specimen of _Down East_,
+enter a store, or other place of every-day business, for the purpose of
+"looking around," or _dicker_ a little? They are "coons," they are, upon
+all such occasions. We noted one of these "critters" in the store of a
+friend of ours, on Blackstone Street, recently. He was a full bloom
+_Yankee_--it stuck out all over him. He sauntered into the store, as
+unconcerned, quietly, and familiarly, as though in no great hurry about
+anything in particular, and killing time, for his own amusement.
+Absalom, Abijah, Ananias, Jedediah, or Jeremiah, or whatever else his
+name may have been, wore a very large fur cap, upon a very small and
+close-cut head; his features were mightily pinched up; there was a
+cunning expression about the corner of his eyes, not unlike the
+embodiment of--"catch a weazel asleep!" while the smallness of his
+mouth, thinness and blue cast of his chin and lips, bespoke a keen,
+calculating, pinch a four-pence until it squeaked like a frightened
+locomotive temperament! His "boughten" sack coat, fitting him all over,
+similar to a wet shirt on a broom-handle, was pouched out at the pockets
+with any quantity of numerous articles, in the way of books and boots,
+pamphlets and perfumery, knick-knacks and gim-cracks, calico, candy, &c.
+His vest was short, but that deficiency was made up in superfluity of
+_dickey_, and a profusion of sorrel whiskers. Having got into the store,
+he very leisurely walked around, viewing the hardware, separately and
+minutely, until one of the clerks edged up to him:
+
+"What can we do for you to-day, sir?"
+
+Looking _quarteringly_ at the clerk for about two full minutes, says
+he--
+
+"I'd dunno, just yet, mister, what yeou kin do."
+
+"Those are nice hinges, real wrought," says the clerk, referring to an
+article the "customer" had just been gazing at with evident interest.
+
+"Rale wrought?" he asked, after another lapse of two minutes.
+
+"They are, yes, sir," answered the clerk. Then followed another pause;
+the Yankee with both his hands sunk deep into his trowsers' pockets, and
+viewing the hinges at a respectful distance, in profound calculation,
+three minutes full.
+
+"They be, eh?" he at length responded.
+
+"Yes, sir, _warranted_," replied the clerk. Another long pause. The
+Yankee approached the hinges, two steps--picks up a bundle of the
+article, looks knowingly at them two minutes--
+
+"Yeou don't say so?"
+
+"No doubt about that, at all," the clerk replies, rather pertly, as he
+moves off to wait upon another customer, who bought some eight or ten
+dollars' worth of cutlery and tools, paid for them, and cleared out,
+while our Yankee genius was still reconnoitering the hinges.
+
+"I say, mister, where's them made?" inquires the Yankee.
+
+"In England, sir," replied the clerk.
+
+"Not in _Neuw_ England, I'll bet a fo'pence!"
+
+"No, not here--in Europe."
+
+"I knowed they warn't made areound here, by a darn'd sight!"
+
+"We've plenty of American hinges, if you wish them," said the clerk.
+
+"I've seen _hinges_ made in _aour_ place, better'n them."
+
+"Perhaps you have. We have finer hinges," answered the clerk.
+
+"I 'spect you have; I don't call _them_ anything great, no how!"
+
+"Well, here's a better article; better hinges--"
+
+"Well, them's pooty nice," said the Yankee, interrupting the clerk, "but
+they're small hinges."
+
+"We have all sizes of them, sir, from half an inch to four inches."
+
+"You hev?" inquiringly observed the Yankee, as the clerk again left him
+and the hinges, to wait on another customer, who bought a keg of nails,
+&c., and left.
+
+"I see you've got brass hinges, tew!" again continued the Yankee, after
+musing to himself for twenty minutes, _full_.
+
+"O, yes, plenty of them," obligingly answered the clerk.
+
+"How's them brass 'uns work?"
+
+"Very well, I guess; used for lighter purposes," said the clerk.
+
+"Put 'em on desks, and cubber-doors, and so on?"
+
+"Yes; they are used in a hundred ways."
+
+"Hinges," says the Yankee, after a pause, "ain't considered, I guess, a
+very neuw invenshun?"
+
+"I should think not," half smilingly replied the clerk.
+
+"D'yeou ever see wooden hinges, mister?"
+
+"Never," candidly responded the clerk.
+
+"Well, I _hev_," resolutely echoed the Yankee.
+
+"You have, eh?"
+
+"E' yes, plenty on 'em--eout in Illinoi; seen fellers eout there that
+never seen an iron hinge or a razor in their lives!"
+
+"I wasn't aware our western friends were so far behind the times as
+that," said the clerk.
+
+"It's a _fact_--dreadful, tew, to be eout in a place like that,"
+continued the Yankee. "I kept school eout there, nigh on to a year;
+couldn't stand it--"
+
+"Ah, indeed!" mechanically echoed the poor clerk.
+
+"No, _sir_; dreadful place, some parts of Illinoi; folks air almighty
+green; couldn't tell how old they air, nuff on 'em; when they get mighty
+old and bald-headed, they stop and die off, of their own accord."
+
+"Illinois must be a healthy place?" observed the clerk.
+
+"Healthy place! I guess not, mister; fever and ague sweetens 'em, I tell
+you. O, it's dreadful, fever and ague is!"
+
+"That caused you to leave, I suppose?" said the clerk.
+
+"Well, e' yes, partly; the climate, morals, and the water, kind o' went
+agin me. The big boys had a way o' fightin', cursin', and swearin',
+pitchin' apple cores and corn at the master, that didn't exactly suit
+me. Finally, one day, at last, the boys got so confeounded sassy, and I
+got the fever and agy so _bad_, that they shook daown the school-house
+chimney, and I shook my hair nearly all eout by the roots, with the
+_agy_--so I packed up and _slid!_"
+
+The clerk being again called away to wait on a fresh customer, the
+Yankee was left to his meditations and survey. Having some twenty more
+minutes to walk around the store, and examine the stock, he brought up
+opposite the clerk, who was busy tying up gimlets, screws, and stuff,
+for a carpenter's apprentice. Yankee explodes again.
+
+"Got a big steore of goods layin' areound here, haven't yeou?"
+
+"We have, sir, a fair assortment," said the clerk.
+
+"Them Illinoi folks haven't no _idee_ what a place this Boston is; they
+haven't. I tried to larn 'em a few things towards civilization, but
+'twaren't no sort o' use tryin'!"
+
+"New country yet; the Illinois folks will brighten up after a while, I
+guess," said the clerk. "Did you wish to examine any other sort of
+hinges, sir?" he continued.
+
+"Hain't I seen all yeou hev?"
+
+"O, no; here we have another variety of hinges, steel, copper, plated,
+&c. These are fine for parlor doors, &c.," said the clerk.
+
+"E' yes them air nice, I swow, mister; look like rale silver. I 'spect
+them cost somethin'?"
+
+"They come rather high," said the clerk, "but we've got them as low as
+you can buy them in the market."
+
+"I want to know!" quietly echoes the Yankee.
+
+"Yes, sir; what do you wish to use them for?" says the clerk.
+
+"Use 'em?" responded the Yankee.
+
+"Yes; what _priced_ hinges did you require?"
+
+"What priced hinges?--"
+
+"Exactly! Tell me what you require them _for_, and I can soon come at
+the _sort_ of hinges you require," said the clerk, making an effort to
+come to a climax.
+
+"Who said _I_ wanted any hinges?"
+
+"Who said you wanted any? Why, don't you want to buy hinges?"
+
+"Buy hinges? Why, _no;_ I don't want nothin'; _I only came in to look
+areound!_"
+
+Having looked around, the imperturbable Yankee stepped out, leaving the
+poor clerk--quite flabbergasted!
+
+
+
+
+Miseries of Bachelorhood.
+
+
+Dabster says he would not mind living as a bachelor, but when he comes
+to think that bachelors must die--that they have got to go down to the
+grave "without any body to cry for them"--it gives him a chill that
+frost-bites his philosophy. Dabster was seen on Tuesday evening, going
+convoy to a milliner. Putting this fact to the other, and we think we
+"smell something," as the fellow said when his shirt took fire.
+
+
+
+
+The Science of "Diddling."
+
+
+Jeremy Diddlers have existed from time immemorial down, as traces of
+them are found in all ancient and modern history, from the Bible to
+Shakspeare, from Shakspeare to the revelations of George Gordon Byron,
+who strutted his brief hour, acted his part, and--vanished. Diddler is
+derived from the word _diddle_, to _do_--every body who has not yet made
+his debut to the Elephant. We believe the word has escaped the attention
+of the ancient lexicographers, and even Worcester, and the still more
+durable "Webster," have no note of the word, its derivation, or present
+sense.
+
+A "Jeremy Diddler" is, in _fact_, one of your first-class vagabonds; a
+fellow who has been spoiled by indulgent parents, while they were in
+easy circumstances. Trained up to despise labor, not capacitated by
+nature or inclination to pass current in a profession, he finds himself
+at twenty possessed of a genteel address, a respectable wardrobe, a few
+friends, and--no visible means of support. There are but two ways about
+it--take to the highway, or become a Diddler--a sponge--and, like
+woodcock, live on "suction." The early part of a Diddler's life is
+chiefly spent among the ladies;--they being strongly susceptible of
+flattering attentions, especially those of "a nice young man," your
+Diddler lives and flourishes among them like a fighting cock. Diddler's
+"heyday" being over, he next becomes a politician--an old Hunker;
+attends caucusses and conventions, dinners and inaugurations. Never
+aspiring to matrimony among the ladies, he remains an "old bach;" never
+hoping for office under government, he never gets any; and when, at
+last, both youth and energies are wasted, Diddler dons a white
+neckcloth, combs his few straggling hairs behind his ears, and, dressed
+in a well-brushed but shocking seedy suit of sable, he jines church and
+turns "old fogie," carries around the plate, does chores for the parson,
+becomes generally useful to the whole congregation, and finally shuffles
+off his mortal coil, and ends his eventful and useless life in the most
+becoming manner.
+
+Cities are the only fields subservient to the successful practice of a
+respectable Diddler. New York affords them a very fair scope for
+operation, but of all the American cities, New Orleans is the Diddler's
+paradise! The mobile state of society, the fluctuations of men and
+business, the impossibility of knowing any thing or any body there for
+any considerable period, gives the Diddler ample scope for the exercise
+of his peculiar abilities to great effect. He dines almost sumptuously
+at the daily lunches set at the splendid drinking saloons and _cafes_,
+he lives for a month at a time on the various upward-bound steamboats.
+In New Orleans, the departure of a steamer for St. Louis, Cincinnati or
+Pittsburg, is announced for such an hour "to-day"--positively; Diddler
+knows it's "all a gag" to get passengers and baggage hurried on, and the
+steamer keeps _going_ for two to five days before she's gone; so he
+comes on board, registers one of his commonplace aliases, gets his
+state-room and board among the crowd of _real_ passengers, up to the
+hour of the boat's shoving out, then he--slips ashore, and points his
+boots to another boat. Many's the Diddler who's passed a whole season
+thus, dead-heading it on the steamers of the Crescent City. Sometimes
+the Diddler learns bad habits in the South, from being a mere Diddler,
+which is morally bad enough; he comes in contact with professional
+gamblers, plunges into the most pernicious and abominable of
+vices--gambles, cheats, swindles, and finally, as a grand tableau to his
+utter damnation here and hereafter, opens a store or a bank with a
+crowbar--or commits murder.
+
+
+
+
+The Re-Union; Thanksgiving Story.
+
+     "Behold, for peace I had great bitterness, but thou hast in love to
+     my soul delivered it from the pit of corruption: for thou hast cast
+     all my sins behind thy back."--Isaiah.
+
+
+A portly elderly gentleman, with one hand in his breeches pocket, and
+the fingers of the other drumming a disconsolate rub-a-dub upon the
+window glass of an elegant mansion near Boston Common, is the personage
+I wish to call your attention to, friend reader, for the space of a few
+moments. The facts of my story are commonplace, and thereby the more
+probable. The names of the dramatis personae I shall introduce, will be
+the _only_ part of my subject imaginary. Therefore, the above-described
+old gentleman, whom we found and left drumming his rub-a-dub upon the
+window panes, we shall call Mr. Joel Newschool. To elucidate the matter
+more clearly, I would beg leave to say, that Mr. Joel Newschool, though
+now a wealthy and retired merchant, with all the "pomp and circumstance"
+of fortune around him, could--if he chose--well recollect the day when
+his little feet were shoeless, red and frost-bitten, as he plodded
+through the wheat and rye stubble of a Massachusetts farmer, for whom he
+acted in early life the trifling character of a "cow boy."
+
+Yes, Joel could remember this if he chose; but to the vain heart of a
+proud millionaire, such reflections seldom come to the surface. Like
+hundreds of other instances in the history of our countrymen, by a
+prolonged life of enterprise and good luck, Joel Newschool found
+himself, at the age of four-and-sixty, a very wealthy, if not a happy
+man. With his growing wealth, grew up around him a large family. Having
+served an apprenticeship to farming, he allowed but a brief space to
+elapse between his freedom suit and portion, and his wedding-day. Joel
+and his young and fresh country spouse, with light hearts and lighter
+purses, came to Boston, settled, and thus we find them old and wealthy.
+In the heart and manners of Mrs. Newschool, fortune made but slight
+alteration; but the accumulation of dollars and exalted privileges that
+follow wealth, had wrought many changes in the heart and feelings of her
+husband.
+
+The wear of time, which is supposed to dim the eye, seemed to improve
+the ocular views of Joel Newschool amazingly, for he had been enabled in
+his late years to see that a vast difference of _caste_ existed between
+those that tilled the soil, wielded the sledge hammer, or drove the
+jack-plane, and those that were merely the idle spectators of such
+operations. He no longer groped in the darkness of men who believed in
+such fallacies as that wealth gave man no superiority over honest
+poverty! In short, Mr. Newschool had kept pace with all the fine notions
+and ostentatious feelings so peculiar to the mushroom aristocracy of the
+nineteenth century. He gloried in his pride, and yet felt little or none
+of that happiness that the bare-footed, merry cow boy enjoyed in the
+stubble field. But such is man.
+
+With all his comfortable appurtenances wealth could buy and station
+claim, the retired merchant was not a happy man. Though his expensive
+carriage and liveried driver were seen to roll him regularly to the
+majestic church upon the Sabbath: though he was a patient listener to
+the massive organ's spiritual strains and the surpliced minister's
+devout incantations: though he defrauded no man, defamed not his
+neighbor, was seeming virtuous and happy, there was at his heart a pang
+that turned to lees the essence of his life.
+
+Joel Newschool had seen his two sons and three daughters, men and women
+around him; they all married and left his roof for their own. One, a
+favorite child, a daughter, a fine, well-grown girl, upon whom the
+father's heart had set its fondest seal--she it was that the hand of
+Providence ordained to humble the proud heart of the sordid millionaire.
+Cecelia Newschool, actuated by the noblest impulses of nature, had for
+her husband sought "a _man_, not a money chest," and this circumstance
+had made Cecelia a severed member of the Newschool family, who could
+not, in the refined delicacy of their senses, tolerate such palpable
+condescension as to acknowledge a tie that bound _them_ to the wife of a
+poor artizan, whatever might be his talents or integrity as a man.
+
+Francis Fairway had made honorable appeal to the heart of Cecelia, and
+she repaid his pains with the full gift of a happy wife. She counted not
+his worldly prospects, but yielded all to his constancy. She wished for
+nothing but his love, and with that blessed beacon of life before her,
+she looked but with joy and hope to the bright side of the sunny future.
+
+The home of the artizan was a plain, but a happy one. Loving and
+beloved, Cecelia scarce felt the loss of her sumptuous home and ties of
+kindred. But not so the proud father and the patient mother, the haughty
+sisters and brothers; they felt all; they attempted to conceal all, that
+bitterness of soul, the canker that gnaws upon the heart when we will
+strive to stifle the better parts of our natures.
+
+Time passed on; one, two, or three years, are quickly passed and gone.
+Though this little space of time made little or no change in the
+families of the proud and indolent relatives, it brought many changes in
+the eventful life of the young artizan and his wife. Two sweet little
+babes nestled in the mother's arms, and a new and splendid invention of
+the poor mechanic was reaping the wonder and admiration of all Europe
+and America.
+
+This was salt cast upon the affected wounds of the haughty relatives.
+Now ashamed of their petty, poor, contemptible arrogance, they could not
+in their hearts find space to welcome or partake of the proud dignity
+with which honorable industry had crowned the labors of the young
+mechanic.
+
+It was a cold day in November; the wind was twirling and whistling
+through the trees on the Common; the dead leaves were dropping seared
+and yellow to the earth, admonishing the old gentleman whom we left
+drumming upon the window, that--
+
+    "_Such was life!_"
+
+The old gentleman thumped and thumped the window pane with a dreary
+_sotto voce_ accompaniment for some minutes, when he was interrupted by
+an aged, pious-looking matron, who dropped her spectacles across the
+book in her lap, as she sat in her chair by the fireside, and said--
+
+"Joel."
+
+"Umph?" responded the old gentleman.
+
+"The Lord has spared us to see another Thanksgiving day, should we live
+to see to-morrow."
+
+"He has," responded Mr. Newschool.
+
+"I've been thinking, Joel, that how ungrateful to God we are, for the
+blessings, and prosperity, and long life vouchsafed to us, by a good and
+benevolent Almighty."
+
+"Rebecca," said the faltering voice of the rich man, "I know, I feel all
+this as sensitive as you can possibly feel it."
+
+"I was thinking, Joel," continued the good woman, "to-morrow we shall,
+God permitting, be with our children and friends once again, together."
+
+"I hope so, I trust we shall," answered the husband.
+
+"And I was thinking, Joel," resumed the wife, "that the exclusion of our
+own child, Cecelia, from the family re-unions, from joining us in
+returning thanks to God for his mercy and preservation of us, is cruel
+and offensive to Him we deign to render up our prayers."
+
+"Rebecca," said the old gentleman, "I but agree with you in this, you
+have but anticipated my feelings in the matter. I have long fought
+against my better feelings and offended a discriminating God, I know.
+Ashamed to confess my stubbornness and frailty before, I now freely
+confess an altered feeling and better determination."
+
+"Then, Joel, let our daughter Cecelia and her husband join with us
+to-morrow in rendering our thanks to a just God and kind Providence."
+
+"Be it so, Rebecca. God truly knows it will be a millstone relieved from
+my heart. I wish it done."
+
+Three family re-unions, three days of Thanksgiving had been held in the
+paternal mansion of the Newschools, since Cecelia had left it for the
+humble home of the poor artizan. But their several re-unions were
+clouded, gloomy, unsocial affairs; there was a gap in the social circle
+of the Newschool family, as they met on Thanksgiving day, which all
+felt, but none hinted at. It was hard for a parent to invoke blessings
+on a portion, but not all, of his own flesh and blood; it was hard to
+return thanks for those dear ones present, and _wonder_ whether the
+absent and equally dear had aught to be thankful for, whether instead of
+health and comfort, they might not be sorrowing in disease, poverty, and
+despair! Such things as these, when they obtrude upon the mind, the
+soul, are not likely to make merry meetings. And such was the position
+and nature of the re-union upon the late Thanksgiving days, at the
+Newschool mansion. But better feelings were at work, and a happy change
+was at hand.
+
+Several carriages had already drove up to the door of Mr. Newschool,
+Sen., and let down the different branches of the Newschool family. A
+brighter appearance seemed gathering over the household than was usual
+of late on Thanksgiving day, in the old family mansion. As each party
+came, the good old mother duly informed them of the invitation given,
+and the hope indulged in, that Cecelia and her husband would join the
+family circle that day, in their re-union.
+
+The proud sisters seemed willing, at last, to cast away their pride, and
+greet their sister as became Christian and sensible women. The brothers,
+chagrined at the unmanliness of their conduct, now gladly joined their
+approval of what betokened, in fact, a happy family meeting. As the
+clock on old South Church tower pealed out eleven, a pretty, smiling
+young mother, in plain, but unexceptionable, neat attire, ascended the
+large stone steps of the Newschool mansion, with a light and graceful
+step, bearing a sleeping child in her arms.
+
+Another moment, and Cecelia Fairway was in the arms of her old mother;
+the smiles, kisses and tears of the whole family party were bountifully
+showered upon poor Cecelia, and her sweet little daughter. Imagination
+may always better paint such a scene, than could the feeble pen describe
+it. The deep and gushing eloquence of human nature, when thus long pent,
+bursts forth, sweeping the meagre devises of the pen before it, like
+snow-flakes before the mighty mountain avalanche.
+
+Oh! it was a happy sight, to see that party at their Thanksgiving
+dinner.
+
+Old Mr. Newschool, in his long and fervent prayer to the throne of
+grace, expressed the day the happiest one of his long life. Quickly flew
+the hours by, and as the shades of evening gathered around, Francis
+Fairway was announced with a carriage for his wife's return home.
+Francis Fairway, the artizan, was a proud, high-minded man, conscious of
+his own position and merits, and scorned any base means to conciliate
+the favor and patronage of his superiors in rank, birth, or education.
+His deportment to the Newschool family was frank and manly; and they met
+it with a sense of just appreciation and dignity, that did them honor.
+Francis met a generous welcome, and the evening of Thanksgiving day was
+spent in a happy re-union indeed. Upon Cecelia's and her husband's
+return home, she found a small note thrust in the bosom of her child,
+bearing this inscription--
+
+    "Grandfather's Re-union gift to little Cecelia; Boston, Nov., 184-."
+
+The note contained five $1000 bills on the old Granite Bank of Boston,
+and which were duly placed in the old Bank fire-proof, to the account of
+the little heir, the enterprise of the artizan having placed him above
+the necessity of otherwise disposing of Joel Newschool's gift to the
+grandchild.
+
+
+
+
+Cabbage vs. Men.
+
+
+Theodore Parker says, the cultivation of man is as noble and
+praiseworthy a science, as the cultivation of cabbage, or the garden
+sass! Says brother Theodore, "You don't cast garden-seed in the mire,
+over the rough broken ground, and exhibit your benefits. No, you dig,
+level, rake, and then sow your seed, you give them sunshine and water,
+you tear out the weeds that would choke your infant vegetables--why
+would you do less for the material man?" Pre-cisely! we pause for an
+answer, proposals received from the learned--until we go to press.
+
+
+
+
+Wanted--A Young Man from the Country.
+
+
+All of our mercantile cities are overrun with young men who have been
+bred for the counter or desk, and thousands of these genteel young gents
+find it any thing but an easy matter to find bread or situations half
+their time, in these crowded marts of men and merchandise. An
+advertisement in a New York or New Orleans paper, for a clerk or
+salesman, rarely fails to "turn up" a hundred needy and greedy
+applicants, in the course of a morning! In New York, where a vast number
+of these misguided young men are "manufactured," and continue to be
+manufactured by the regiment, for an already surfeited market, there are
+wretches who practise upon these innocent victims of perverted
+usefulness, a species of fraud but slightly understood.
+
+By a confederacy with some experienced dry goods dealer, the proprietor
+of one of those agencies for procuring situations for young men,
+_victims_ of misplaced confidence are put through at five to ten dollars
+each, somewhat after this fashion: Sharp, the keeper of the Agency,
+advertises for two good clerks, one book-keeper, five salesmen, ten
+waiters, &c., &c.; and, of course, as every steamboat, car and stage,
+running into New York, brings in a fresh importation of young men from
+the country, all fitted out in the knowledge box for salesmen,
+book-keepers and clerk-ships,--every morning, a new set are offered to
+be taken in and done for. Sharp demands a fee of five or ten dollars for
+obtaining a situation; victim forks over the amount, and is sent to
+Sharp number two, who keeps the dry goods shop; he has got through with
+a victim of yesterday, and is now ready for the fresh victim of to-day;
+for he makes it a point to put them through such a gamut of labor,
+vexatious man[oe]uvres and insolence, that not one out of fifty come
+back next day, and if they do--_he don't want them!_ If the unsuspecting
+victim returns to the "Agency," he is lectured roundly for his
+incapacity or want of _energy!_--and advised to return to the country
+and recuperate.
+
+Jeremiah Bumps having graduated with all the honors of Sniffensville
+Academy, and having many unmistakable longings for becoming a Merchant
+Prince, and seeing sights in a city; and having read an account of the
+great fortunes piled up in course of a few years, by poor, friendless
+country boys, like Abbot Lawrence, John Jacob Astor, he up and came
+right straight to Boston, having read it in the papers that clerks,
+salesmen, book-keepers, and so on, were wanted, dreadfully--"young men
+from the country preferred"--so he called on the _suffering_ agent for
+the public, and paying down his _fee_, was sent off to an _Importing
+House_, on ---- street, where a clerk and salesman were wanted. Jeremiah
+found his idea of an _Importing House_ knocked into a disarranged
+chapeau, by finding the one in the "present case," a large and luminous
+_store_, filled up with paper boxes and sham bundles; while gaudily
+festooned, were any quantity of calicoes, cheap shawls, ribbons, tapes,
+and innumerable other tuppenny affairs.
+
+Nebuchadnezzar Cheatum, the proprietor of this importing and jobbing
+house, was a keen, little, slick-as-a-whistle, heavy-bearded, shaved and
+starched genus, of six-and-thirty, more or less; and received Jeremiah
+with a rather patronizing survey _personelle_, and opened the engagement
+with a few remarks.
+
+"From the country, are you?"
+
+"Sniffensville, sir," said Jeremiah; "County of Scrub-oak, State of New
+Hampshire."
+
+"Ah, well, I prefer country-bred young men; they are better trained,"
+said Cheatum, "to industry, perseverance, honest frugality, and the
+duties of a Christian man. I was brought up in the country myself. I've
+made myself; carved out, and built up my own position, sir. Yes, sir,
+give me good, sound, country-bred young men; I've tried them, I know
+what they are," said Cheatum; and he spoke near enough the truth to be
+partly true, for he _had_ "tried them;" he averaged some fifty-two
+clerks and an equal number of _salesmen_--yearly.
+
+Jeremiah Bumps grew red in the face at the complimentary manner in which
+Nebuchadnezzar Cheatum was pleased to review the country and its
+institutions.
+
+"What salary did you think of allowing?" says Jeremiah.
+
+"Well," said Cheatum, "I allow my salesmen three dollars a week the
+first year, (Jeremiah's ears cocked up,) and three per cent. on the
+sales they make the second year."
+
+By cyphering it up "in his head," Jeremiah came to the conclusion that
+the _first_ year wouldn't add much to his pecuniary elevation, whatever
+the second did with its three per cents. But he was bound to try it on,
+anyhow.
+
+"Now," said Cheatum, "in the first place, Solomon----"
+
+"Jeremiah, if you please, sir," said the young man.
+
+"Ah, yes, Thomas--_pshaw!_--Jediah, I would say," continued Cheatum,
+correcting himself--
+
+"Jeremiah--Jeremiah Bumps, sir," sharply echoed Mr. Bumps.
+
+"Oh, yes, yes; one has so many clerks and salesmen in course of
+business," said Cheatum, "that I get their names confused. Well,
+Jeremiah, in the first place, you must learn to please the customers;
+you must always be lively and spry, and never give an offensive answer.
+Many women and girls come in to price and overhaul things, without the
+remotest idea of buying anything, and it's often trying to one's
+patience; but you must wait on them, for there is no possible means of
+telling a woman who _shops_ for pastime, from one who shops in earnest;
+so you must be careful, be polite, be lively and spry, and never let a
+person _go_ without making a purchase, if you can possibly help it. If a
+person asks for an article we have not got, endeavor to make them try
+something else. If a woman asks whether four-penny calico, or six-penny
+delaines will wash, say 'yes, ma'am, _beautifully_; I've tried them, or
+seen them tried;' and if they say, 'are these ten cent flannels real
+_Shaker flannels_? or the ninepence hose _all merino_?' better not
+contradict them; say 'yes, ma'am, I've tried them, seen them tried, know
+they are,' or similar appropriate answers to the various questions that
+may be asked," said Cheatum.
+
+"Yes, sir," Jeremiah responded, "I understand."
+
+"And, William----"
+
+"Jeremiah, sir, if you please."
+
+"Oh, yes; well, Jediah--Jeremiah, I would say--when you make change,
+never take a ten cent piece and two cents for a shilling, but give it as
+often as practicable; look out for the fractions in adding up, and
+beware of crossed six-pences, smooth shillings, and what are called
+Bungtown coppers," said Cheatum, with much emphasis.
+
+"I'm pooty well posted up, sir, in all _that_," said Jeremiah.
+
+"And, Jeems--pshaw!--Jacob--Jeremiah! I would say, in measuring, always
+put your thumb _so_, and when you move the yardstick forward, shove your
+thumb an inch or so _back_; in measuring _close_ you may manage to
+squeeze out five yards from four and three-quarters, you understand? And
+always be watchful that some of those nimble, light-fingered folks don't
+slip a roll of ribbon, or a pair of gloves or hose, or a piece of goods,
+up their sleeves, in their bosoms, pockets, or under their shawls. Be
+careful, Henry--Jeems, I should say," said Cheatum.
+
+Being duly rehearsed, Jeremiah Bumps went to work. The first customer he
+had was a little girl, who bought a yard of ribbon for ninepence, and
+Jeremiah not only stretched seven-eighths of a yard into a full yard,
+but made twelve cents go for a ninepence, which _feat_ brought down the
+vials of wrath of the child's mother, a burly old Scotch woman, who
+"tongue-lashed" poor Jeremiah awfully! His next adventure was the sale
+of a dress pattern of sixpenny de-laine, which he _warranted_ to contain
+all the perfections known to the best article, and in dashing his
+vigorous scissors through the fabric, he caught them in the folds of a
+dozen silk handkerchiefs on the counter, and ripped them all into
+slitters! The young woman who took the dress pattern, upon reaching
+home, found it contained but eight yards, when she paid for nine. She
+came back, and Jeremiah Bumps got another bombasting! He sold fourpenny
+calico, and warranted it to wash; next day it came back, and an old lady
+with it; the colors and starch were all out, by dipping it in water, and
+the woman went on so that Cheatum was glad to refund her money to get
+rid of her. Two dashing young ladies, out "shopping" for their own
+diversions, gave Jeremiah a call; he labored hand and tongue, he hauled
+down and exhibited Cheatum's entire stock; the girls then were leaving,
+saying they would "call again," and Jeremiah very amiably said, "do,
+ladies, do; call again, _like to secure your custom!_" The young ladies
+took this as an insult. Their big brothers waited on Mr. Bumps, and
+nothing short of his humble apologies saved him from enraged cowhides!
+Jeremiah saw a suspicious woman enter the store, and after overhauling a
+box of gloves, he thought he saw her _pocket a pair_. He intercepted the
+lady as she was going out--he grabbed her by the pocket--the lady
+resisted--Jeremiah held on--the lady fainted, and Jeremiah Bumps nearly
+tore her dress off in pulling out the gloves! The lady proved to be the
+wife of a distinguished citizen, and the gloves purchased at another
+store! A lawsuit followed, and Mr. Bumps was fined $100, and sent to the
+House of Correction for sixty days.
+
+How many new clerks Nebuchadnezzar Cheatum has put through since, we
+know not; but Jeremiah Bumps is now engaged in the practical science of
+agriculture, and shudders at the idea of a young man from the country
+being _wanted_ in a dry goods shop, if they have got to see the elephant
+that he _observed--in Boston_.
+
+
+
+
+Presence of Mind.
+
+
+Mr. Davenport--the "Ned Davenport" of the Bowery boys--before sailing
+for Europe and while attached to the Bowery Theatre, was of the lean and
+hungry kind. In fact he was extremely lean--tall as a may-pole, and
+slender enough to crawl through a greased _fleute_,--to use a yankeeism.
+
+Somebody "up" for Shylock one night, at the Bowery, was suddenly
+"indisposed" or, in the strongest probability, quite stupefied from the
+effect of the deadly poisons retailed in the numerous groggeries that
+really swarm near the Gotham play-houses. Well, Mr. Davenport--a
+gentleman who has reached a most honorable position in his profession by
+sobriety and talent--was substituted for the indisposed _Shylock_, and
+the play went on.
+
+In the trial scene, Mr. Davenport really "took down the house" by his
+vehemence, and his ferocious, lean, and hungry aspirations for the pound
+of flesh! One of the b'hoys, so identical with the B'ow'ry pit, got
+quite worked up; he twisted and squirmed, he chewed his cud, he stroked
+his "soap-lock," but, finally, wrought up to great presence of
+mind,--our lean Shylock still calling for his pound of flesh,--roars
+out;--
+
+"S'ay, look a' here,--_why don't you give skinny de meat, don't you see
+he wants it, sa-a-a-y!_"
+
+We very naturally infer that "the piece" _went off with a rush!_
+
+
+
+
+The Skipper's Schooner.
+
+
+No better specimen of the genus, genuine Yankee nation, can be found,
+imagined or described, than the skippers of along shore, from
+Connecticut river to Eastport, Maine. These critters give full scope to
+the Hills and Hacketts of the stage, and the Sam Slicks and
+Falconbridges of the press, to embody and sketch out in the broadest
+possible dialect of Yankee land. One of these "tarnal critters," it is
+my purpose to draw on for my brief sketch, and I wish my readers to do
+me the credit to believe that for little or no portion of my yarn or
+language am I indebted to fertility of imagination, as the incidents are
+real, and quite graphic enough to give piquancy to the subject.
+
+Last spring, just after the breaking up of winter, a down-east smack or
+schooner, freighted with cod-fish and potatoes, I believe, rounded off
+Cape Ann light, and owing to head winds, or some other perversity of a
+nautical nature, could no further go; so the skipper and his crew--one
+man, green as catnip--made for an anchorage, and hove the "hull consarn"
+to. Here they lay, and tossed and chafed, at their moorings, for a day
+or two, without the slightest indication on the part of the weather to
+abate the nuisance. So the commander of the schooner got in his little
+"dug-out," and giving the aforesaid crew special injunctions to keep all
+fast, he pulled off to shore to take a look around.
+
+Now, it so fell out that in the course of a few hours' time after the
+departure of the skipper, a snorting east wind sprang up, and not only
+blew great guns, but chopped up a short, heavy sea, perfectly
+astonishing and alarming to Hezekiah Perkins, in the rolling and
+pitching schooner. It was Hez's first attempt at seafaring; and this
+sort of reeling and waltzing about, as a matter of course, soon
+discomboberated his bean basket, and set his head in a whirl and dancing
+motion--better conceived by those who have seen the sea elephant than
+described. Hez got dea-a-athly sick, so sick he could not budge from the
+stern sheets, where he had taken a squat in the early commencement of
+his difficulties. In the mean time, the skipper came down to the beach
+and hailed the victim:
+
+"Hel-LO! hel-LO!"
+
+Hez feebly elevated his optics, and looking to the windward, where stood
+his noble captain, he made an effort to say over something:
+
+"Wha-a-t ye-e-e want?"
+
+"What do I want? Why, yeou pesky critter, yeou, go for'ard thar and hist
+the jib, take up the anchor, put your helm a-lee, and beat up to town!"
+
+This was all very well, provided the skipper was there to superintend,
+manage and carry out his voluble orders; but as the surf prevented him
+from coming on board, and the lightness of Hez's head militated against
+the almost superhuman possibility of carrying out the skipper's orders,
+things remained _in statu quo_, the skipper ashore, and Hez fervently
+wishing he was too.
+
+"Ain't you a-going to stir round there, and save the vessel?" bawled the
+excited captain.
+
+"How on airth," groaned the horror-stricken mariner, "how on airth am I
+to help it?"
+
+"Wall, by Columbus, she'll go clean ashore, or blow eout to sea afore
+long, sure as death!" responded the skipper; and before he had fairly
+concluded his augury, sure enough, the halser parted, the schooner slew
+round and made a bee-line _for Cowes and a market!_ This rather brought
+Hezekiah to his oats--he riz, tottering and feeble, on his shaky pins,
+and crawled forward to get up the jib.
+
+"O ye-s, now yeou're coming about it, yes, yeou be," bawled the almost
+frantic skipper, as the distance between him and his vessel was
+increasing. "Put her abeout and head her up the ba-a-y!" But it was no
+kind of use in talking, for Hezekiah could not raise the jib; and his
+imperfect nautical knowledge, under such a snarl, completely bewildered
+and disgusted him with the prospect. So saying over the seven
+commandments and other serious lessons of youth, Hezekiah resigned
+himself to the tumultuous elements, and concluded it philosophical and
+scriptural resignation to let Providence and the old schooner fix out
+the programme just as they might. It is commonly reported, that our
+mackerel catchers, when a storm or gale overtakes them on the briny
+deep, lash all fast and go below, turn in and let their smacks rip along
+to the best of their knowledge and ability. They seldom founder or get
+severely scathed; and these facts, or perfect indifference, having
+entered the head of Hezekiah Perkins, he became perfectly unconcerned as
+to future developments. Night coming on, the skipper saw his schooner
+fast departing out to sea, and when she was no longer to be seen, he
+made tracks for Boston, to report the melancholy facts to the owners of
+the vessel and cargo, and see about the insurance.
+
+Next morning, the skipper having discovered that the insurance was safe,
+he found himself in better spirits; so he walked down along the wharves,
+to take a look out upon the bay and shipping--when lo, and behold, he
+sees a vessel so amazingly like his Two Pollies, that he could not
+refrain from exclaiming:
+
+"Hurrah! hurrah! By Christopher Columbus--if thar don't come my old
+beauty and Hez Perkins, too--hurrah!"
+
+The overjoyed skipper went off into a double hornpipe on a single
+string; and as the veritable schooner came booming saucily up the bay
+before a spanking breeze, with her jib spread, the skipper called out in
+a voice of thunder and gladness:
+
+"Hel-lo! Hez Perkins, is that yeou?"
+
+"Hel-lo! Cap'n, I'm coming, by pumpkins! Clear the track for the Two
+Pollies!" And putting her head in among the smacks of Long Wharf, Hez
+let her rip and smash chock up fast and tight. When the captain landed
+on his own deck, he rushed into the arms of his brave mate Hezekiah, and
+they had a regular fraternal hug all round--and Hezekiah Perkins, in
+behalf of his wonderful skill, perseverance and luck, was unanimously
+voted first mate of the Two Pollies on the spot. It appeared that a
+change of wind during the night had driven the wandering vessel back
+into the bay, and Hezekiah, having got over his sick spell by daylight,
+crawled forward, got up the jib, and actually made the wharf, as we have
+described.
+
+
+
+
+Philosophy of the Times.
+
+
+The philosophy of the present age is peculiarly the philosophy of
+outsides. Few dive deeper into the human breast than the bosom of the
+shirt. Who could doubt the heart that beats beneath a cambric front? or
+who imagine that hand accustomed to dirty work which is enveloped in
+white kid? What Prometheus was to the physical, the tailor is to the
+moral man--the one made human beings out of clay, the other cuts
+characters out of broadcloth. Gentility is, with us, a thing of the
+goose and shears.
+
+
+
+
+The Emperor and the Poor Author.
+
+     "The pen is mightier than the sword."
+
+
+Great men are not the less liable or addicted to very small, and very
+mean, and sometimes very _rascally acts_, but they are always fortunate
+in having any amount of panegyric graven on marble slabs, shafts and
+pillars, o'er their dust, and eulogistic and profound histories written
+in memories of the deeds of renown and glory they have executed. An
+American 74-gun ship would hardly float the mountains of _tomes_ written
+upon Bonaparte and his brilliant career, as a soldier and a conqueror;
+but how precious few, insignificant pages do we ever see of the
+misdeeds, tyrannies and acts of petty and contemptuous meanness so great
+a man was guilty of! Why should authors and orators be so reluctant to
+tell the truth of a great man's follies and crimes, seeing with what
+convenience and fluency they will _lie_ for him? We contend, and shall
+contend, that a truly great man cannot be guilty of a small act, and
+that one contemptible or atrocious manifestation in man, is enough to
+sully--tarnish the brightness of a dozen brilliant deeds; but
+apparently, the accepted notion is--_vice versa_.
+
+In 1830, there lived in the city of Philadelphia, a barber, a poor,
+harmless, necessary barber. His antique, or most curious costume,
+attracted much attention about the vicinity in which he lived, and no
+doubt added somewhat to the custom of his shop, itself a _bijou_ as
+curious almost as the proprietor. But as our story has but little to do
+with the queer outside of the _barber_ or his _shop_, and we do not now
+purpose a whole history of the man, we shall at once proceed to the pith
+of our subject--the Emperor and the poor Author, or Napoleon and his
+Spies--and in which our aforesaid Philadelphia barber plays a
+conspicuous part.
+
+Some of the writers, a few of those partially daring enough to give an
+impartial _expose_ of the history of the Bonapartean times, seem to
+think that Napoleon committed a great error in his accession to the
+throne, by doubting the stability of his reign, and having pursued
+exactly measures antipodean to those necessary to seat him firmly in the
+hearts of the people, and cement the foundation of his newly-acquired
+power. But we don't think so; the means by which he obtained the giddy
+height, to a comprehensive mind like his, at once suggested the
+necessity of vigilance, promptness, and unflinching execution of
+whatever act, however tyrannous or heartless it might have been, his
+unsleeping mind suggested--
+
+     "Crowns got with blood, by blood must be maintained."
+
+Jealous and suspicious, he sought to shackle public opinion--the fearful
+hydra to all ambitious aspirants--to know all _secrets_ of the time and
+states, and render one half of the great nations he held in his grasp
+spies upon the other! The most profligate principles of Machiavel sink
+into obscurity when contrasted with the Imperial _Espionage_ of
+Napoleon. When no longer moving squadrons in the tented field--whole
+armies, like so many pieces of chess in the hands of a dexterous
+player--he sat upon his throne, reclined upon his lounge or smoked in
+his bath, organized and moved the most difficult and dangerous forces in
+the world--_an army of Spies!_
+
+All ages, from that of infancy to decrepitude--all conditions of life,
+from peer to parvenu--from plough to the anvil--pulpit to the
+bar--orators and beggars, soldiers and sailors, male and female of every
+grade--men of the most insinuating address, and women of the most
+seductive ages and loveliness, grace and beauty were enlisted and
+trained to serve--in what the pot-bellied, bald-headed little monster of
+war used to call his _Cytherian Cohort!_ Snares set by these imperial
+policemen were difficult to avoid, from the almost utter impossibility
+of suspicioning their presence or power.
+
+In 1808, a learned Italian, noble by birth, in consequence of the
+movements and _executions_ of Napoleon, found it prudent to shave off
+his moustache and titles, and change the scene of his future life, as
+well as change his name. A master of languages and a man of mind, he
+sought the learned precincts of Leipsic, Germany, where he preserved his
+incognito, though he was not long in winning the grace, and other
+considerations due enlarged intellect, from those not lacking that
+invaluable commodity themselves. Herr Beethoven--the new title of our
+Italian "mi lord"--conceived the project of convincing the mighty
+Emperor--the hero of the sword--that so little a javelin as the pen
+could puncture the _sac_ containing all _his_ great pretensions, and let
+the vapor out; in short, to show the conqueror, that the pen _was_
+mightier than his magic sword. Beethoven purposed writing a pamphlet
+_memorial_, involving the bombastic pretensions, the gigantic
+extravagance and arrogant ambition of Bonaparte. The man of letters well
+knew the ground upon which he was to tread, the danger of ambushed foes,
+involving such a _brochure_, and the caution necessary with which he was
+to produce his work. But Beethoven felt the necessity of the production;
+he possessed the power to execute a great benefit to his fellow man, and
+he determined to wield it and take the chances. Though scarcely giving
+breath to his project--guarding each page of his writing as vigilantly
+as though they were each blessed with the enchantment of a
+_Koh-i-Noor_--a mysterious agency discovered the fact--Napoleon shook
+in his royal boots, and swore in good round French, when the following
+missive reached his royal eye:--
+
+     _Sire(!)_--A plot is brewing against your peace; the safety of your
+     throne is menaced by a villainous scribe. My informant, who has
+     read the manuscripts, informs me that he has never seen any thing
+     better or more imposing, and ingenious in argument and force, than
+     the fellow's appeal to all the crowned heads and people of Europe.
+     It is calculated to carry an irresistible conviction of the wrongs
+     they suffer from your imperial majesty to every breast. These
+     manuscripts are fraught with more danger to your Imperial Majesty's
+     Empire, than all the hostile bayonets in the world combined against
+     you, Sire.
+
+     Leipsic, 1808. Baron De----.
+
+Here was a hot shot dangling over the magazines of the mighty man, and
+the "little corporal" jumped into his boots, and began to set the wheels
+of his great "expediency" in motion. A message flew here, and another
+there; a dispatch to this one, and a royal order to that one. A dozen
+secretaries, and a score of _amanuensises_ were instantly at work, and
+the alarmed "Emperor of all the French" fairly beat the _reveille_ upon
+his diamond-cased snuff box; while, with the rapidity of the clapper of
+an alarm bell, he issued to each the oral order to which they were to
+lend enchantment by their rapid quills.
+
+Herr Beethoven was surprised in his very closet! Papers were found
+scattered all over his little sanctum--the spies had him and his
+effects, most promptly; but what was the rage and disappointment of the
+emissaries of the wily monarch, to find neither hair nor hide of the
+dreaded _fiat!_ Had it gone forth? Was it secreted? Was it written?
+
+They had the _man_, but his flesh and blood were as valueless as a
+pebble to a diamond, contrasted with the witchery of the _words_ he had
+invested a few sheets of simple paper with! They searched his
+clothes--tore up his bed, broke up his furniture, powdered his few
+pieces of statuary, but all in vain--the sought for, dreaded, and hated
+documents, for which his _Imperial highness_ would have secretly given
+ten--twenty--fifty thousand _louis_--was not to be found! The rage of
+the inquisitors was terrific--showing how well they were chosen or paid,
+to serve in their atrocious capacities. The poor scribe was promised all
+manner of unpleasant _finales_, cursed, menaced, and finally coaxed.
+
+"I have written nothing--published nothing, nor do I intend to write or
+publish anything," was Beethoven's reply.
+
+"Speak fearlessly," said the chief of the inquisitors, "and rely upon a
+generous monarch's benevolence. My commission, sir, is limited to
+ascertain whether poverty has not compelled you to write; if that be the
+case, speak out; place any price upon your work--the price is nothing--I
+will pay you at once and destroy your documents."
+
+"Your offers, sir," responded the poor author, "are most kind and
+liberal, and I regret extremely that it is _not_ in my power to avail
+myself of them. I again declare, sir, that I have never written anything
+against the French government--your information to the contrary is false
+and wicked."
+
+The spies, finding they could not gain any information of the author, by
+threat or bribe, carried him to France, where his doom was supposed to
+be sealed in torture and death, in the _Bastile_ of the Emperor.
+
+But where was this fearful manuscript--this dreaded scribbling of the
+God-forsaken, poor, forlorn author? The emissaries of his serene
+highness had the blood, bones, and body of the wretched scribe, but
+where was that they feared more than all the warlike forces of a million
+of the best equipped forces of Europe--the paltry paper pellets of a
+scholar's brain--the _memorial_ to the crowned heads, and people of the
+several shivering monarchies of continental Europe?
+
+A few brief hours--not two days--before the _pseudo_ Herr Beethoven was
+honored by the special considerations and attentions of the Emperor of
+all the French--the conqueror of a third, at least, of the civilized
+world--he had conceived suspicions of a man to whom in the _most
+profound confidence_ he had revealed a slight whisper of his
+projects--impressed with the foreshadowing that a mysterious _something_
+dangerous was about to menace him, he made way with the manuscripts, to
+which his soul clung as too dear and precious to be destroyed--he gave
+them to the charge of a tried friend--and before the _Cytherian Cohort_
+were upon the threshold of the author, his _memorial_ was snugly
+ensconced in the obscure and remote secretary of a gentleman and a man
+of letters, in the renowned city of Prague. The alarm and friend's
+appearance seemed most opportune--for an hour after the visitation of
+the one, the other was at hand--the documents transferred and on their
+way to their place of refuge.
+
+But difficult was the stepping-stone to Napoleon's greatness--the more
+the mystery of the manuscripts augmented--the more enthusiastic became
+his research--the more formidable appeared the necessity of grasping
+them; and the determination, at all hazards, to clutch them, before they
+served their purpose!
+
+"Bring me the manuscripts"--was the _fiat_ of the Emperor: "I care not
+_how_ you obtain them--get them, _bring them here_; and mark you, let
+neither money, danger nor fatigue, oppose my will. Hence--bring the
+manuscripts!"
+
+Again Leipsic was invested by the _Cytherian Cohort_ of the modern
+Alexander; the rival of Hannibal, the great little commandant of the
+most warlike nation of the earth. The Baron ----, who was master of
+ceremonies in this great enterprise, now arrested the secret agent who
+had given the information of the existence of the _memorial_. This
+wretch had received five hundred crowns for his espionage and
+treachery. His fee was to be quadrupled if his atrocious information
+proved correct; so dear is the mere foreshadowing of ill news to
+vaunting ambition and quaking imposters. Bengert, the German spy, was
+sure of the genuineness of his information--he was much astonished that
+the Baron had not seized the _memorial_, as well as the body of the
+hapless author. The Baron and the treacherous German conferred at
+length; an idea seemed to strike the spy.
+
+"I have it," he exclaimed, a few days before his arrest. "I saw a friend
+visit Beethoven; I know they both entertained the same sentiments in
+regard to the Emperor--_that man has the manuscripts_."
+
+Where was that man? It was finding the needle in the hay stack--_the_
+pebble in the brook. Again the Emperor urged, and the _Cytherian Cohort_
+plied their cunning and perseverance. That _friend_ of the poor author
+was found--he was tilling his garden, surrounded by his flower pots and
+children, on the outskirts of Prague, Bohemia. It was in vain he
+questioned his captors. He dropped his gardening implements--blessed his
+children--kissed them, and was hurried off, he knew not whither or
+wherefore! Shaubert was this man's name; he was forty, a widower--a
+scholar, a poet--liberally endowed by wealth, and loved the women!
+
+It was Baron ----'s province to find out the weak points of each victim.
+
+"If he has a _particular_ regard for _poetry_, he does love the fine
+arts," quoth the Baron, "and women are the queens of _fine arts_. I'll
+have him!"
+
+In the secret prison of Shaubert he found an old man, confined for--he
+could not learn what. Every day, the yet youthful and most fascinating,
+voluptuous and beautiful daughter of the old man, visited his cell,
+which was adjoining that of Shaubert's. As she did so, it was not long
+before she found occasion to linger at the door of the widower, the
+poet--and sigh so piteously as to draw from the victim, at first a holy
+poem, and at length an amative love lay. Like fire into tow did this
+effusion of the poet's quill inflame the breast and arouse the passions
+of the lovely Bertha; and in an obscure hour, after pouring forth the
+soul's burden of most vehement love, the angel in woman's form(!), with
+implements as perfect as the very jailor's, opened all the bolts and
+bars, and led the captive forth to liberty! She would have the poet who
+had entranced her, fly and leave her to her fate! But _poetry_ scorned
+such dastardy--it was but to brave the uncertainty of fate to stay, and
+torture to go--Bertha must fly with him. She had a father--could she
+leave him in bondage? No! She had rescued her lover--she braved
+more--released her parent in the next hour, by the same mysterious
+means, and giving herself up to the tempest of love, she shared in the
+flight of the poet. In a remote section of chivalric Bohemia, they found
+an asylum. But Bertha was as yet but the deliverer from bondage, if not
+death, of her soul's idol; he, with all the warmth and gratitude of a
+dozen poets, worshipped at her feet and besought her to bless him
+evermore by sharing his fate and fortune. There was a something
+imposing, a something that brought the pearly tear to the heroic girl's
+eye and made that lovely bosom undulate with most sad emotion. The poet
+pressed her to his heart--fell at her feet, and begged that if his
+life--property--children--be the sacrifice--but let him know the secret
+at once--he was her friend--defender--lover--slave. Another sigh, and
+the spell was broken.
+
+"Why--ah! why were you a state prisoner--a _secret_ prisoner in
+the ----?"
+
+"Loved angel," answered the poet, "I scarce can tell; indeed I have not
+the merest _hint_, in my own mind, to tell me for what I was arrested
+and thrown into prison!"
+
+"Ah! sir," sighed the lovely Bertha, "I can never then wed the man I
+love--I cannot brave the dangers of an unknown fate--at some moment
+least expected, to be torn from his arms--lost to him forever!"
+
+"We can fly, dearest," suggested the poet, "we can fly to other and more
+secure lands. In the sunshine of your sweet smile, my dear Bertha,
+obscurity--poverty would be nothing."
+
+"No," said the girl, "I cannot leave my father--the land of my
+birth--home of my childhood. I that have given you liberty, may point
+out a way to deliver you from further restraint. How I learned the
+nature of your crime, ask not; I know your secret."
+
+"Ah! what mean you?"
+
+"In a foolish hour," continued the lovely Bertha, with downcast eyes and
+heaving bosom, "you impaled your generous self to save a friend--the
+friend fled--you were arrested--"
+
+"Good God!" exclaimed the poet, "Herr Beethoven----"
+
+"Gave you possession of----" she continued.
+
+"No! no! no!" interposed the affrighted poet, daring not to breathe
+"yes," even to the ear of his fair preserver.
+
+"Sir," calmly continued the girl, "I have risked my own life and liberty
+to preserve yours, I have----"
+
+"I--I know it all, dear--dearest angel, but----"
+
+"Those manuscripts," she continued, fixing her keen but melting gaze
+upon the poor victim.
+
+"Ha! manuscripts? How learned you this? No, no, it cannot be----"
+
+"It is known--I know it--I learned it from your captors; but for my
+_love_," said the girl, "mad--guilty love--your life would have been
+forfeited--your house pillaged by the emissaries of the Emperor, in
+quest of those manuscripts. While they exist, Bertha cannot be
+happy--Bertha's love must die with her--Bertha be ever miserable!"
+
+"I-a--I will--but no! no! I have no manuscripts! It is false--false!"
+exclaimed the almost distracted poet.
+
+"Herr Shaubert," said the girl, clasping the hand of the poet, and
+throwing herself at his feet, "am I unworthy your love?"
+
+"Dear, dear Bertha, do not torture me! do not, for God's sake! Rise; let
+me at your feet swear, in answer--_No!_"
+
+"Then, within four-and-twenty hours, let me grasp that hated, damned
+viper, that would gnaw the heart's core of Bertha. Give me the key of
+your misery; O! bless me--bless your Bertha; give me those accursed
+manuscripts, daggers bequeathed you by a false friend, that I may at
+once, in your presence, give them to the flames; and Bertha, the idol of
+your soul, be ever more blessed and happy!"
+
+This appeal settled the business of the poet; he walked the room,
+sighed, tore his _mouchoir_, oscillated between honor and
+temptation--the angel form and syren tongue of the woman triumphed. In
+course of a dozen hours, Bertha, the lovely, enchanting _spy_, opened
+the secret drawers of the poet's secretary, and amid carefully-packed
+literary rubbish, the dreaded _memorial_ was found--clutched with the
+eagerness of a death-reprieve to a poor felon upon the verge of
+eternity, and with the despatch of an hundred swift relays, the poor
+author's manuscripts were placed in the hands of the mighty Emperor, and
+while he read their fearful purport, and flashed with rage or grew livid
+with each scathing word of the _memorial_, he hurriedly issued his
+orders--gain to this one, sacrifice to that one; while he made the spy a
+_countess_, he ordered hideous death to the poor poet and despair and
+misery to his children.
+
+"Fly!" the monarch shouted, "search every one suspected of a hand in
+this; let them be dealt with instantly--trouble me not with detail, but
+give me sure returns. Stop not, until this viper is exterminated; egg
+and tooth; fang and scale; see it done and claim my bounty--_fly!_"
+
+That _snake_ was scotched and killed--the few brief pages of an obscure
+author that drove sleep, appetite and peace from the mighty Emperor, for
+days and nights--made busy work for his thousands of
+emissaries--scattered his gold in weighty streams--was read, cursed and
+destroyed, and all suspected as having the slightest voice or opinion in
+the secret _memorial_, met a secret fate--death or prolonged
+wretchedness.
+
+Herr Beethoven, the poor author, alone escaped; being overlooked in the
+hot pursuit of his production, and by the blunder of those having charge
+of himself and hundreds of other state prisoners--guilty or _suspected_
+opponents to the vaulting ambition and power of him that at last ended
+his own eventful career as a helpless prisoner upon an ocean isle--was
+liberated and lost no time in making his way beyond the reach of
+monarchs, tyranny and bondage. Beethoven came to America and settled in
+Philadelphia, where, in the humble capacity of an e-razer of beards and
+pruner of human mops, he eked out a reasonable existence for the residue
+of his earthly existence; few, perhaps, dreaming in their profoundest
+philosophy, that the little, eccentric-attired, grotesque-looking
+barber, who tweaked their plebeian noses and combed their caputs, once
+rejoiced in grand heraldic escutcheons upon his carriage panels as a
+veritable Count, and still later made the throne tremble beneath the
+feet of a second Alexander!
+
+But God is great, and the ways of our every-day life, full of change and
+mystery.
+
+
+
+
+The Bigger Fool, the Better Luck.
+
+
+The American "Ole Bull," young Howard, one of the most scientific
+crucifiers of the _violin_ we ever heard, gave us a call t'other day,
+and not only discoursed heavenly music upon his instrument, but gave us
+the "nub" of a few jokes worth dishing up in our peculiar style. Howard
+spent last winter in a tour over the State of _Maine_ and Canada. During
+this _cool_ excursion, he got way up among the _wood_-choppers and
+_log_-men of the Aroostook and Penobscot country. These wood-chopping
+and log-rolling gentry, according to all accounts, must be a jolly,
+free-and-easy, hard-toiling and hardy race. The "folks" up about there
+live in very primitive style; their camps and houses are very useful,
+but not much addicted to the "ornamental." Howard had a very long,
+tedious and perilous _tramp_, on foot, during a part of his
+peregrinations, and coming at last upon the settlement of the log-men,
+he laid up several days, to recuperate. In the largest log building of
+the several in the neighborhood, Howard lodged; the weather was
+intensely cold--house crowded, and wood and game plenty. After a hard
+day's toil, in snow and water, these log-men felt very much inclined, to
+sleep. A huge fire was usually left upon the hearth, after the "tea
+things" were put away, Howard gave them a _choon_ or two, and then the
+woodmen lumbered up a rude set of steps--into a capacious loft overhead,
+and there, amid the old quilts, robes, skins and straw, enjoyed their
+sound and refreshing sleep--with a slight drawback.
+
+Among these men of the woods, was a hard old nut, called and known among
+them as--_Old Tantabolus!_ He was a wiry and hardy old rooster; though
+his frosty poll spoke of the many, many years he had "been around," his
+body was yet firm and his perceptions yet clear. The old man was a grand
+spinner of yarns; he had been all around creation, and various other
+places not set down in the maps. He had been a soldier and sailor: been
+blown up and shot down: had had all the various ills flesh was heir to:
+suffered from shipwreck and indigestion: witnessed the frowns and smiles
+of fortune--especially the _frowns_; in short, according to old man
+Tantabolus's own account of himself, he had seen more ups and downs, and
+made more narrow and wonderful escapes, than Robinson Crusoe and
+Gulliver both together--with Baron Trenck into the bargain!
+
+For the first season, the old man and his narrations, being fresh and
+novel, he was quite a _lion_ among the woodmen, but now that the novelty
+had worn off, and they'd got used to his long yarns, they voted him "an
+old bore!" The old fellow smoked a tremendous pipe, with tobacco strong
+enough to give a Spaniard the "yaller fever." He would eat his supper,
+light his pipe--sit down by the fire, and spin yarns, as long as a
+listener remained, and longer. In short, Old Tantabolus would _spin_
+them all to bed, and then make their heads spin, with the clouds of
+_baccy_ smoke with which he'd fill the _ranche_.
+
+Going to bed, at length, on a bunk in a corner, the old chap would
+wheeze and snore for an hour or two, and then turning out again, between
+daybreak and midnight, Old Tantabolus would pile on a cord or two of
+fresh wood--raise a roaring fire--make the _ranche_ hot enough to roast
+an ox, then treat all hands to another _stifling_ with his old
+_calumet_, and nigger-head tobacco! Then would commence a--
+
+"A-booh! oo-_oo!_" by one of the lodgers, overhead.
+
+"Boo-oo-_ooh!_ Old Tantabolus's got that--booh-oo-oo-_oo_,--pipe of
+his'n again,--boo-oo-oo!" chimed another.
+
+"A-a-a-_chee!_ oo-oo-augh-h-h-_ch-chee!_ Cuss that--a-_chee_--pipe.
+Tantabolus, you old hoss-marine, put out that--a-_chee!_--darn'd old
+pipe!" bawled another.
+
+"A'_nand_?" was the old fellow's usual reply.
+
+"A-boo-ooh-_ooh!_" hoarse and loud as a boatswain's call, in a gale of
+wind, would be issued from the throat of an old "logger," as the
+fumigacious odor interfered with his respiratory arrangements, and then
+would follow a miscellaneous--
+
+"A-_chee_-o! Ah-_chee!_ boo-ooh-oo-_ooh!_" tapering off with divers
+curses and threats, upon Old Tantabolus and his villanous habits of
+arousing "the whole community" in "the dead watches and middle of the
+night," with heat and smoke, no flesh and blood but his own could
+apparently endure.
+
+At length, a private _caucus_ was held, and a diabolical plan set, to
+put a summary end to the grievous nuisances engendered by Old
+Tantabolus--"_let's blow him up!_"
+
+And this they agreed to do in _this_ wise. Before "retiring to rest," as
+we say in civilized _parlance_, the lodging community were in the habit
+of laying in a surplus of firewood, alongside of the capacious
+fire-place, in order--should a very common occurrence _occur_,--i. e., a
+fall of snow six to ten feet deep, and kiver things all up, the insiders
+might have wherewith to make themselves comfortable, until they could
+work out and provide more. But Old Tantabolus was in the wasteful
+practice of turning out and burning up all this extra fuel; so the
+caucus agreed to bore an inch and a quarter hole into a solid
+stick--pack it with powder--lay it among the wood, and when Old
+Tantabolus _riz_ to fire up, he'd be blowed out of the building, and
+disappear--_in a blue blaze!_ Well, poor old man, Tantabolus, quite
+unconscious of the dire explosion awaiting him, told his yarns, next
+evening, with greater _gusto_ than usual, and one after another of his
+listeners finally dropped off to _roost_, in the loft above, leaving
+the old man to go it alone--finish his pipe, stagnate the air and go to
+his bunk, which, as was his wont to do--he did. Stillness reigned
+supreme; though Old Tantabolus took his usual snooze in very apparent
+confidence, many of his no less weary companions above--watched for the
+approaching _tableaux!_ And they were gratified, to their heart's
+content, for the tableaux _came!_
+
+"Now, look out, boys!" says one, "Old _Tanty's_ about to wake up!" and
+then some dozen of the upper story lodgers, who had kept their peepers
+open to enjoy the fun, began to spread around and pull away the loose
+straw in order to get a view of the scene below. Sure enough, the old
+rooster gave a long yawn--"Aw-w-w-w-_um!_" flirted off his "kiverlids"
+and got up, making a slow move towards the fire-place, reaching which,
+he gave an extra "Aw-w-w-_um!_" knocked the ashes out of his
+pipe--filled it up with "nigger-head," dipped it in the embers, gave it
+a few whiffs, and then said:
+
+"Booh! cold mornin'; boys'll freeze, if I don't start up a good fire."
+Then he went to work to cultivate a blaze, with a few chips and light
+sticks of dry wood.
+
+"Ah, by George, old feller," says one, "you'll catch a bite, before you
+know it!"
+
+"Yes, I'm blamed if you ain't a _goner_, Old Tantabolus!" says another,
+in a pig's whisper.
+
+"There! there he's got the fire up--now look out!"
+
+"He's got the stick--"
+
+"Goin' to clap it on!"
+
+"Now it's on!"
+
+"Look out for fun, by George, look out!"
+
+"He'll blow the house up!"
+
+"Godfrey! s'pose he does?"
+
+"What an infernal _wind_ there is this morning!" says the old fellow,
+hearing the _buzz_ and indistinct whispering overhead; "guess it's
+snowin' like _sin_; I'll jist start up this fire and go out and see."
+But, he had scarcely reached and opened the door, when--"_bang-g-g!_"
+went the log, with the roar of a twelve pounder; hurling the fire, not
+only all over the lower floor, but through the upper loose
+flooring--setting the straw beds in a blaze--filling the house with
+smoke, ashes and fire! There was a general and indiscriminate _rush_ of
+the practical jokers in the loft, to make an escape from the now burning
+building; but the step-ladder was knocked down, and it was at the peril
+of their lives, that all hands jumped and crawled out of the _ranche!_
+The only one who escaped the real danger was Old Tantabolus, the
+intended victim, whose remark was, after the flurry was over--"Boys,
+arter this, _be careful how you lay your powder round!_"
+
+
+
+
+An Active Settlement.
+
+
+Gen. Houston lives, when at home, at Huntsville, Texas; the inhabitants
+mostly live, says Humboldt, Beeswax, Borax, or some of the other
+historians, by hunting. The wolves act as watchmen at night, relieved
+now and then by the Ingins, who make the wig business brisk by relieving
+straggling citizens of their top-knots. A man engaged in a quiet smoke,
+sees a deer or bear sneaking around, and by taking down his rifle, has
+steaks for breakfast, and a haunch for next day's dinner, right at his
+door. Vegetables and fruit grow naturally; flowers come up and bloom
+spontaneously. The distinguished citizens wear buck-skin trowsers,
+coon-skin hats, buffalo-skin overcoats, and alligator-hide boots. Old
+San Jacinto walked into the Senate last winter--fresh from home--with a
+panther-skin vest, and bear-skin breeches on! Great country, that
+Texas.
+
+
+
+
+A Yankee in a Pork-house
+
+
+"Conscience sakes! but hain't they got a lot of pork here?" said a
+looker-on in Quincy Market, t'other day.
+
+"Pork!" echoes a decidedly _Green_ Mountain biped, at the elbow of the
+first speaker.
+
+"Yes, I vow it's quite as-_tonishing_ how much pork is sold here and
+_et_ up by somebody," continued the old gent.
+
+"Et up?" says the other, whose physical structure somewhat resembled a
+fat lath, and whose general _contour_ made it self-evident that _he_ was
+not given much to frivolity, jauntily-fitting coats and breeches, or
+perfumed and "fixed up" barberality extravagance.
+
+"Et up!" he thoughtfully and earnestly repeated, as his hands rested in
+the cavity of his trousers pockets, and his eyes rested upon the first
+speaker.
+
+"You wern't never in Cincinnatty, _I_ guess?"
+
+"No, I never was," says the old gent.
+
+"Never was? Well, I cal'lated not. Never been _in_ a Pork-haouse?"
+
+"Never, unless you may call this a Pork-house?"
+
+"The-is? Pork-haouse?" says Yankee. "Well, I reckon not--don't
+begin--'tain't nothin' like--not a speck in a puddle to a Pork-haouse--a
+Cincinnatty Pork-haouse!"
+
+"I've hearn that they carry on the Pork business pooty stiff, out
+there," says the old gentleman.
+
+"Pooty stiff? Good gravy, but don't they? 'Pears to me, I knew yeou
+somewhere?" says our Yankee.
+
+"You might," cautiously answers the old gent.
+
+"'Tain't 'Squire Smith, of Maoun-Peelier?"
+
+"N'no, my name's Johnson, sir."
+
+"Johnson? Oh, in the tin business?"
+
+"Oh, no, I'm not _in_ business, at all, sir," was the reply.
+
+"Not? Oh,"--thoughtfully echoes Yankee. "Wall, no matter, I thought
+p'raps yeou were from up aour way--I'm from near Maoun-Peelier--State of
+Varmount."
+
+"Ah, indeed?"
+
+"Ya-a-s."
+
+"Fine country, I'm told?" says the old gent.
+
+"Ye-a-a-s, 'tis;"--was the abstracted response of Yankee, who seemed to
+be revolving something in his own mind.
+
+"Raise a great deal of wool--fine sheep country?"
+
+"'Tis great on sheep. But sheep ain't nothin' to the everlasting hog
+craop!"
+
+"Think not, eh?" said the old gent.
+
+"I swow _teu_ pucker, if I hain't seen more hogs killed, afore
+breakfast, in Cincinnatty, than would burst this buildin' clean open!"
+
+"You don't tell me so?"
+
+"By gravy, I deu, though. You hain't never been in Cincinnatty?"
+
+"I said not."
+
+"Never in a Pork-haouse?"
+
+"Never."
+
+"Wall, yeou've hearn tell--of Ohio, I reckon?"
+
+"Oh, yes! got a daughter living out there," was the answer.
+
+"Yeou don't say so?"
+
+"I have, in Urbana, or near it," said the old gent.
+
+"Urbanny! Great kingdom! why I know teu men living aout there; one's
+trading, t'other's keepin' school; may be yeou know 'em--Sampson
+Wheeler's one, Jethro Jones's t'other. Jethro's a cousin of mine; his
+fa'ther, no, his _mother_ married--'tain't no matter; my name's
+Small,--Appogee Small, and I was talkin'----"
+
+"About the hog crop, Cincinnatty Pork-houses."
+
+"Ye-a-a-s; wall, I went eout West last fall, stopped at Cincinnatty--teu
+weeks. Dreadful nice place; by gravy, they do deu business there; beats
+Salvation haow they go it on steamboats--bust ten a day and build six!"
+
+"Is it possible?" says the old gent; "but the hogs----"
+
+"Deu beat all. I went up to the Pork-haouses;--fus thing you meet is a
+string--'bout a mile long, of big and little critters, greasy and sassy
+as sin; buckets and bags full of scraps, tails, ears, snaouts and ribs
+of hogs. Foller up this line and yeou come to the Pork-haouses, and yeou
+go in, if they let yeou, and they did me, so in I went, teu an almighty
+large haouse--big as all aout doors, and a feller steps up to me and
+says he:--
+
+"'Yeou're a stranger, I s'pose?'
+
+"'Yeou deu?' says I.
+
+"'Ye-a-a-s,' says he, 'I s'pose so,' and I up and said I was.
+
+"'Wall,' says he, 'ef you want to go over the haouse, we'll send a
+feller with you!'
+
+"So I went with the feller, and he took me way back, daown stairs--aout
+in a lot; a-a-a-nd everlastin' sin! yeou should jist seen the
+hogs--couldn't caount 'em in three weeks!"
+
+"Good gracious!" exclaims the old gent.
+
+"Fact, by gravy! Sech squealin', kickin' and goin' on; sech cussin' and
+hollerin', by the fellers pokin' 'em in at one eend of the lot and
+punchin' on 'em aout at t'other! Sech a smell of hogs and fat,
+_brissels_ and hot water, I swan _teu_ pucker, I never did cal'late on,
+afore!
+
+"Wall, as fast as they driv' 'em in by droves, the fellers kept a
+craowdin' 'em daown towards the Pork-haouse; there two fellers kept a
+shootin' on 'em daown, and a hull gang of the all-firedest dirty,
+greasy-looking fellers _aout_--stuck 'em, hauled 'em daown, and afore
+yeou could say Sam Patch! them hogs were yanked aout of the
+lot--killed--scalded and scraped."
+
+"Mighty quick work, I guess," says the old gent.
+
+"Quick work? Yeou ought to see 'em. Haow many hogs deu yeou cal'late
+them fellers killed and scraped a day?"
+
+"Couldn't possibly say--hundreds, I expect."
+
+"Hundreds! Grea-a-at King! Why, I see 'em kill thirteen hundred in teu
+hours;--did, by golly!"
+
+"Yeou don't say so?"
+
+"Yes, _sir_. And a feller with grease enough abaout him to make a barrel
+of saft soap, said that when they hurried 'em up some they killed,
+scalded and scraped ten thousand hogs in a day; and when they put on the
+steam, twenty thousand porkers were killed off and cut up in a single
+day!"
+
+"I want to know!"
+
+"Yes, sir. Wall, we went into the haouse, where they scalded the
+critters fast as they brought 'em in. By gravy, it was amazin' how the
+_brissels_ flew! Afore a hog knew what it was all abaout, he was bare as
+a punkin--a hook and tackle in his _snaout_, and up they snaked him on
+to the next floor. I vow they kept a slidin' and snakin' 'em in and up
+through the scuttles--jest in one stream!
+
+"'Let's go up and see 'em cut the hogs,' says the feller.
+
+"Up we goes. Abaout a hundred greasy fellers were a hacken on 'em up. By
+golly, it was deth to particular people the way the fat and grease
+_flew!_ Two _whacks_--fore and aft, as Uncle Jeems used to say--split
+the hog; one whack, by a greasy feller with an everlasting chunk of
+sharpened iron, and the hog was quartered--grabbed and carried off to
+another block, and then a set of savagerous-lookin' chaps layed to and
+cut and skirted around;--hams and shoulders were going one way, sides
+and middlins another way; wall, I'm screwed if the hull room didn't
+'pear to be full of flying pork--in hams, sides, scraps and greasy
+fellers--rippin' and a tearin'! Daown in another place they were saltin'
+and packin' away, like sin! Daown in the other place they were frying
+aout the lard--fillin' barrels, from a regular river of fat, coming aout
+of the everlastin' biggest bilers yeou ever did see, I vow! Now, I asked
+the feller if sich hurryin' a hog through a course of spraouts helped
+the pork any, and he said it didn't make any difference, he s'pected. He
+said they were not hurryin' then, but if I would come in, some day, when
+'steam was up,' he'd show me quick work in the pork business--knock
+daown, drag aout, scrape, cut up, and have the hog in the barrel _before
+he got through squealin'!_
+
+"Hello! Say!--'Squire, gone?"
+
+The old gent was--_gone_; the _last brick_ hit him!
+
+
+
+
+German Caution
+
+
+Some ten years since, an old Dutchman purchased in the vicinity of
+Brooklyn, a snug little farm for nine thousand dollars. Last week, a lot
+of land speculators called on him to "buy him out." On asking his price,
+he said he would take "sixty tousand dollars--no less."
+
+"And how much may remain on bond and mortgage?"
+
+"Nine tousand dollars."
+
+"And why not more," replied the would-be purchasers.
+
+"Because der tam place ain't worth any more."
+
+Ain't that Dutch.
+
+
+
+
+Ben. McConachy's Great Dog Sell.
+
+
+A great many dogmas have been written, and may continue to be written,
+on dogs. Confessing, once, to a dogmatical regard for dogs, we "went in"
+for the canine race, with a zeal we have bravely outgrown; and we live
+to wonder how men--to say nothing of spinsters of an uncertain age--can
+heap money and affections upon these four-legged brutes, whose sole
+utility is to doze in the corner or kennel, terrify stray children,
+annoy horsemen, and keep wholesome meat from the stomachs of many a
+poor, starving beggar at your back gate. There is no use for dogs in the
+city, and precious little _use_ for them any where else; and as _Boz_
+says of oysters--you always find a preponderance of dogs where you find
+the most poor people. Philadelphia's the place for dogs; in the suburbs,
+especially after night, if you escape from the onslaught of the rowdies,
+you will find the dogs a still greater and more atrocious nuisance. No
+rowdy, or gentleman at large, in the _Quaker City_, feels _finished_,
+without a lean, lank, hollow dog trotting along at their heels; while
+the butchers and horse-dealers revel in a profusion of mastiffs and
+dastardly curs, perfectly astounding--to us. This brings us to a short
+and rather pithy story of a dog _sell_.
+
+Some years ago, a knot of men about town, gentlemen highly "posted up"
+on dogs, and who could talk _hoss_ and dog equal to a Lord Bentick, or
+Hiram Woodruff, or "Acorn," or Col. Bill Porter, of the "Spirit," were
+congregated in a famous resort, a place known as _Hollahan's_. A
+dog-fight that afternoon, under the "Linden trees," in front of the
+"State House," gave rise to a spirited debate upon the result of the
+battle, and the respective merits of the two dogs. Words waxed warm, and
+the disputants grew boisterously eloquent upon dogs of high and low
+degree,--dogs they had read of, and dogs they had seen; and, in fact, we
+much doubt, if ever before or since--this side of "Seven Dials" or St.
+Giles', there was a more thorough and animated discussion, on dogs,
+witnessed.
+
+An old and rusty codger, one whose outward bruises might have led a
+disciple of _Paley_ to imagine they had caused a secret enjoyment
+within, sat back in the nearest corner, towards the stove, a most
+attentive auditor to the thrilling debate. Between his outspread feet, a
+dog was coiled up, the only indifferent individual present, apparently
+unconcerned upon the subject.
+
+"Look here," says the old codger, tossing one leg over t'other, and
+taking an easy and convenient attitude of observation; "look here, boys,
+you're talkin' about _dogs!_"
+
+"Dogs?" says one of the most prominent speakers.
+
+"Dogs," echoes the old one.
+
+"Why, yes, daddy, we are talking about dogs."
+
+"What do you know about _dogs?_" says a full-blown _Jakey_, looking
+sharply at the old fellow.
+
+"Know about _dogs?_"
+
+"A' yes-s," says _Jakey_. "I bet dis five dollars, ole feller, you don't
+know a Spaniel from a butcher's _cur!_"
+
+"Well," responds the old one, transposing his legs, "may be I _don't_,
+but it's _my_ 'pinion you'd make a sorry _fiste_ at best, if you had
+tail and ears a little longer!"
+
+This _sally_ amused all but the young gentleman who "run wid de
+machine," and attracted general attention towards the old man, in whose
+eyes and wrinkles lurked a goodly share of mother wit and shrewdness.
+_Jakey_ backing down, another of the by-standers put in.
+
+"Poppy, I expect you know what a good dog is?"
+
+"I reckon, boys, I orter. But I'm plaguy dry listening to your dog
+talk--confounded dry!"
+
+"What'll you drink, daddy?" said half a dozen of the dog fanciers,
+thinking to wet the old man's whistle to get some fun out of him.
+"What'll you drink?--come up, daddy."
+
+"Sperrets, boys, good old sperrets," and the old codger drank; then
+giving his lips a wipe with the back of his hand, and drawing out a
+long, deep "ah-h-h-h!" he again took his seat, observing, as he
+partially aroused his ugly and cross-grained mongrel--
+
+"Here's a _dog_, boys."
+
+"That your dog, dad?" asked several.
+
+"That's my dog, boys. He _is_ a dog."
+
+"Ain't he, tho'?" jocularly responded the dog men.
+
+"What breed, daddy, do you call that dog of yours?" asked one.
+
+"Breed? He ain't any breed, _he_ ain't. Stand up, Barney, (jerking up
+the sneaking-looking thing.) He's no breed, boys; look at him--see his
+tushes; growl, Barney, growl!--Ain't them tushes, boys? He's no breed,
+boys; _he's original stock!_"
+
+"Well, so I was going to say," says one.
+
+"That dog," says another, "must be valuable."
+
+"Waluable?" re-echoes the old man; "he is all that, boys; I wouldn't
+sell him; but, boys, I'm dry, dry as a powder horn--so much talkin'
+makes one dry."
+
+"Well, come up, poppy; what'll you take?" said the boys.
+
+"Sperrets, boys; good old sperrets. I do like good sperrets, boys, and
+that sperrets, Mister (to the ruffled-bosomed bar-keeper), o' your'n is
+like my dog--_can't be beat!_"
+
+"Well, daddy," continued the dog men, "where'd you get your dog?"
+
+"That dog," said the old fellow, again giving his mouth a back-hander,
+and his "ah-h-h!" accompaniment; "well, I'll tell you, boys, all about
+it."
+
+"Do, poppy, that's right; now, tell us all about it," they cried.
+
+"Well, boys, 'd any you know Ben. McConachy, out here at the Risin' Sun
+Tavern?"
+
+"We've heard of him, daddy--go on," says they.
+
+"Well, I worked for Ben. McConachy, one winter; he was a pizen mean man,
+but his wife--wasn't she mean? Why, boys, she'd spread all the bread
+with butter afore we sat down to breakfast; she'd begin with a quarter
+pound of butter, and when she'd got through, she had twice as much
+left."
+
+"But how about the dog, daddy? Come, tell us about your _dog_."
+
+"Well, yes, I'll tell you, boys. You see, Ben. McConachy owned this dog;
+set up, Barney--look at his ears, boys--great, ain't they? Well, Ben's
+wife was mean--meaner than pizen. She hated this dog; she hated any
+thing that _et_; she considered any body, except her and her daughter (a
+pizen ugly gal), that et three pieces of bread and two cups of coffee at
+a meal, _awful!_"
+
+"Blow the old woman; tell us about the _dog_, poppy," said they.
+
+"Now, I'm coming to the pint--but, Lord! boys, I never was so dry in my
+life. I am dry--plaguy dry," said the old one.
+
+"Well, daddy, step up and take something; come," said the dog men; "now
+let her slide. How about the _dog?_"
+
+"Ah-h-h-h! that's great sperrets, boys. Mister (to the bar-keeper), I
+don't find such sperrets as that _often_. Well, boys, as you're anxious
+to hear about the dog, I'll tell you all about him. You see, the old
+woman and Ben. was allers spatten 'bout one thing or t'other, and
+'specially about this dog. So one day Ben. McConachy hears a feller
+wanted to buy a good dog, down to the _drove yard_, and he takes
+Barney--stand up, Barney--see that, boys; how quick he minds! Great dog,
+he is. Well, Ben. takes Barney, and down he goes to the _drove yard_. He
+met the feller; the feller looked at the dog; he saw Barney _was_ a
+dog--he looked at him, asked how old he was; if that was all the dog
+Ben. owned, and he seemed to like the dog--but, boys, I'm gittin'
+dry--_rotted dry_--"
+
+"Go on, tell us all about the dog, then we'll drink," says the boys.
+
+"'Well,' says Ben. McConachy to the feller, 'now, make us an offer for
+him.' Now, what do you suppose, boys, that feller's first offer was?"
+
+The boys couldn't guess it; they guessed and guessed; some one price,
+some another, all the way from five to fifty dollars--the old fellow
+continuing to say "No," until they gave it up.
+
+"Well, boys, I'll tell you--that feller, after looking and looking at
+Ben. McConachy's dog, tail to snout, half an hour--_didn't offer a red
+cent for him!_ Ben. come home in disgust and give the dog to me--there
+he is. Now, boys, we'll have that sperrets."
+
+But on looking around, the boys had cut the pit--_mizzled!_
+
+
+
+
+The Perils of Wealth
+
+
+Money is admitted to be--there is no earthly use of dodging the
+fact--the lever of the whole world, by which it and its multifarious
+cargo of men and matters, mountains and mole hills, wit, wisdom, weal,
+woe, warfare and women, are kept in motion, in season and out of season.
+It is the arbiter of our fates, our health, happiness, life and death.
+Where it makes one man a happy _Christian_, it makes ten thousand
+miserable _devils_. It is no use to argufy the matter, for money is the
+"root of all evil," more or less, and--as Patricus Hibernicus is
+supposed to have said of a single feather he reposed on--if a dollar
+gives some men so much uneasiness, what must a million do? Money has
+formed the basis of many a long and short story, and we only wish that
+they were all imbued, as our present story is, with--more irresistible
+mirth than misery. Lend us your ears.
+
+Not long ago, one of our present well-known--or ought to be, for he is a
+man of parts--business men of Boston, resided and carried on a small
+"trade and dicker" in the city of Portland. By frugal care and small
+profits, he had managed to save up some six hundred dollars, all in
+_halves_, finding himself in possession of this vast sum of hard cash,
+he began to conceive a rather insignificant notion of _small cities_;
+and he concluded that Portland was hardly big enough for a man of his
+pecuniary heft! In short, he began to feel the importance of his
+position in the world of finance, and conceived the idea that it would
+be a sheer waste of time and energy to stay in Portland, while with
+_his_ capital, he could go to Boston, and spread himself among the
+millionaires and hundred thousand dollar men!
+
+"Yes," said B----, "I'll go to Boston; I'd be a fool to stay here any
+longer; I'll leave for bigger timber. But what will I do with my money?
+How will I invest it? Hadn't I better go and take a look around, before
+I conclude to move? My wife don't know I've got this money," he
+continued, as he mused over matters one evening, in his sanctum; "I'll
+not tell her of it yet, but say I'm just going to Boston to see how
+business is there in my line; and my money I'll put in an old cigar box,
+and--"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+B---- was all ready with his valise and umbrella in his hand. His
+"good-bye" and all that, to his wife, was uttered, and for the tenth
+time he charged his better half to be careful of the fire, (he occupied
+a frame house,) see that the doors were all locked at night, and "be
+sure and fasten the cellar doors."
+
+B---- had got out on to the pavement, with no time to spare to reach the
+cars in season; yet he halted--ran back--opened the door, and in evident
+concern, bawled out to his wife--
+
+"Caddie!"
+
+"Well?" she answered.
+
+"Be sure to fasten the alley gate!"
+
+"Ye-e-e-e-s!" responded the wife, from the interior of the house.
+
+"And whatever you do, _don't forget them cellar doors_, Caddie!"
+
+"Ye-e-e-e-s!" she repeated, and away went B----, lickety split, for the
+Boston train.
+
+After a general and miscellaneous survey of modern Athens, B---- found
+an opening--a good one--to go into business, as he desired, upon a
+liberal scale; but he found vent for the explosion of one very
+hallucinating idea--his six hundred dollars, as a cash capital, was a
+most infinitesimal _circumstance_, a mere "flea bite;" would do very
+well for an amateur in the cake and candy, pea-nut or vegetable
+business, but was hardly sufficient to create a sensation among the
+monied folks of Milk street, or "bulls" and "bears" on 'change. However,
+this realization was more than counter-balanced by another
+fact--"confidence" was a largely developed _bump_ on the business head
+of Boston, and if a man merely lacked "means," yet possessed an
+abundance of good business qualifications--spirit, energy, talent and
+tact--they were bound to see him through! In short, B----, the great
+Portland capitalist, found things about right, and in good time, and in
+the best of spirits, started for home, determining, in his own mind, to
+give his wife a most pleasant surprise, in apprizing her of the fact
+that she was not only the wife of a man with six hundred silver dollars,
+and about to move his _institution_--but the better half of a gentleman
+on the verge of a new campaign as a Boston business man.
+
+"Lord! how Caroline's eyes will snap!" said B----; "how she'll go in;
+for she's had a great desire to live in Boston these five years, but
+thinks I'm in debt, and don't begin to believe I've got them six hundred
+all hid away down----. But I'll surprise her!"
+
+B---- had hardly turned his corner and got sight of his house, with his
+mind fairly sizzling with the pent-up joyful tidings and grand surprise
+in store for Mrs. B., when a sudden change came over the spirit of his
+dream! As he gazed over the fence, by the now dim twilight of fading
+day, he thought--yes, he did see fresh earthy loose stones, barrels of
+lime, mortar, and an ominous display of other building and repairing
+materials, strewn in the rear of his domicil! The cellar doors--those
+wings of the subterranean recesses of his house--which he had cautioned,
+earnestly cautioned, the "wife of his bussim" to close, carefully and
+securely, were sprawling open, and indeed, the outside of his abode
+looked quite dreary and haunted.
+
+"My dear Caroline!" exclaimed B----, rushing into the rear door of his
+domestic establishment, to the no small surprise of Mrs. B., who gave a
+premature--
+
+"Oh dear! how you frightened me, Fred! Got home?"
+
+"Home? yes! don't you see I have. But, Carrie, didn't I earnestly beg of
+you to keep those doors--cellar doors--shut? fastened?"
+
+"Why, how you talk! Bless me! Keep the cellar shut? Why, there's nothing
+in the cellar."
+
+"Nothing in the cellar?" fairly howls B----.
+
+"Nothing? Of course there is not," quietly responded the wife; "there is
+nothing in the cellar; day before yesterday, our drain and Mrs. A.'s
+drain got choked up; she went to the landlord about it; he sent some
+men, they examined the drain, and came back to-day with their tools and
+things, and went down the cellar."
+
+"_Down the cellar?_" gasped B----, quite tragically.
+
+"Down _the_ cellar!" slowly repeated Mrs. B.
+
+"Give me a light--quick, give me a light, Caroline!"
+
+"Why, don't be a fool. I brought up all the things, the potatoes, the
+meat, the squashes."
+
+"P-o-o-h! blow the meat and squashes! Give me a light!" and with a
+genuine melo-drama rush, B---- seized the lamp from his wife's hand, and
+down the cellar stairs he went, four steps at a lick. In a moment was
+heard--
+
+"O-o-o-h! I'm ruined!"
+
+With a full-fledged scream, Mrs. B. dashed pell-mell down the stairs, to
+her husband. He had dropped the lamp--all was dark as a coal mine.
+
+"Fred--Frederick! oh! where are you? What have you done?" cried his
+wife, in intense agony and doubt.
+
+"Done? Oh! I'm done! yes, done now!" he heavily sighed.
+
+"Done what? how? Tell me, Fred, are you hurt?"
+
+"What on airth's the matter, thar? Are you committing murder on one
+another?" came a voice from above stairs.
+
+"Is that you, Mrs. A.?" asked Mrs. B. to the last speaker.
+
+"Yes, my dear; here's a dozen neighbors; don't get skeert. Is thare
+robbers in yer house? What on airth is going on?"
+
+This brought B---- to his proper reckoning. He ordered his wife to "go
+up," and he followed, and upon reaching the room, he found quite a
+gathering of the neighbors. He was as white as a white-washed wall, and
+the neighbors staring at him as though he was a wild Indian, or a
+chained mad dog. Importuned from all sides to unravel the mystery, B----
+informed them that he had merely gone down cellar to see what the
+masons, &c., had been doing--dropped his lamp--his wife screamed--and
+that was all about it! The wife said nothing, and the neighbors shook
+their incredulous heads, and went home; which, no sooner had they gone,
+than B---- seized his hat and cut stick for the office of a cunning,
+far-seeing limb of the law, leaving Mrs. B. in a state of mental
+agitation better imagined than described. B---- stated his case--he had
+buried six hundred dollars in a box under the _lee_ of the cellar-wall,
+and gone to Boston on business, and as if no other time would suit, a
+parcel of drain-cleaners, and masons, and laborers, must come and go
+right there and then to dig--get the six hundred dollars and clear.
+
+After a long chase, law and bother, B---- recovered half his
+money--packed up and came to Boston.--There's a case for you! Beware of
+money!
+
+
+
+
+Nursing a Legacy.
+
+
+Waiting for dead men's shoes is a slow and not very sure business;
+sometimes it pays and sometimes it don't. I know a genius who lost by
+it, and his case will bear repeating, for there is both morality and fun
+in it.
+
+Lev Smith, a native of "the Eastern shore" of Maryland, and a resident
+of a small town in the lower part of Delaware, began life on a very
+limited capital, and because of a natural disposition indigenous to the
+climate and customs of his native place--general apathy and unmitigated
+_patience_ peculiar to people raised on fish and Johnny-cake, amid the
+stunted pine swamps and sand-hills of that Lord-forsaken country--Lev
+never increased it. Lev had an uncle, an old bachelor, without "chick or
+child," and was reported to be pretty well off. Old man Gunter was
+proverbially mean, and as usual, heartily despised by one half of the
+people who knew him. He had a small estate, had lived long, and by his
+close-fisted manner of life, it was believed that Gunter had laid by a
+pretty considerable pile of the root of all evil, for something or
+somebody; and one day Lev Smith, the nephew, came to the conclusion that
+as the old man was getting quite shaky and must soon resign his
+interests in all worldly gear, _he_ would volunteer to console the
+declining years of his dear old uncle, by his own pleasant company and
+encouragement, and the old man very gladly accepted the proposals of
+Lev, to cut wood, dig, scratch and putter around his worn out and
+dilapidated farm. Uncle Gunter had but two negroes; through starvation
+and long service he had worn them about out; he had little or no
+"stock" upon his _farm_, quite as scant an assortment of utensils, few
+fences, and in fact, to any actively disposed individual, the general
+appearance and state of affairs about old Gunter's _place_ would have
+given the double-breasted blues. But Lev Smith had come to loaf and
+lounge, and not to display any very active or patriotic evolutions, so
+he was not so much disheartened by his uncle's dilapidated farm, as he
+was annoyed by the beggarly way the old man lived, and the assiduous
+desire he seemed to manifest for Lev to be stirring around, gathering
+chips, patching fences, cutting brush; from morn till night, he and the
+two superannuated cuffies; and the old man barely raising enough to keep
+soul and body of the party together.
+
+At first, the job he had undertaken proved almost too much for Lev
+Smith's constitution, but the great object in view consoled him, and the
+more he saw of the old man's meanness, the more and more he took it for
+granted that his uncle had necessarily hoarded up treasure; but, after
+three years' drudgery, Lev's courage was on the point of breaking down;
+the only stay left seemed the fact that now he had served so long a
+time, so patiently and lovingly, and the old man apparently upon his
+very last legs--it seemed a ruthless waste of his golden dreams to give
+out, so he made up his mind to--wait a little longer. Another year
+rolled on; Uncle Gunter got indeed low, and the lower he got the more
+assiduous got nephew Smith, and even the neighbors wondered how a young
+man _could_ stick on, and put up with such a miserly, mean, selfish and
+penurious old curmudgeon as old Joe Gunter. Gunter himself was apprized
+of the great indulgence and wonderful patience of his nephew, and not
+unfrequently said, in a groaning voice:
+
+"Ah, my dear Levi, you're a good boy; I wish to the Lord it was in your
+poor, miserable, wretched old uncle's distressed power to--"
+
+"Never mind, never mind, Uncle Joe," Lev would most deceitfully respond;
+"I ask nothing for myself; what I do, I _do_ willingly!"
+
+"I know, I know you do, poor boy, but your poor, old, miserable,
+wretched uncle don't deserve it."
+
+"Don't mind that, dear uncle," says Lev. "It's my duty, and I'll do it."
+
+"Good boy, good boy; your poor, old, miserable uncle will be
+grateful--we'll see."
+
+"I know that--I feel sure he will, dear Uncle Joe--and that's enough,
+_all_ I ask."
+
+"And if he don't--poor, miserable old creature,--if he don't pay you,
+the Lord will, Levi!"
+
+"And that will be all that's needed, Uncle Joe," says the humbugging
+nephew. And so they went, Lev not only waiting on the old man with the
+tender and faithful care of a good Samaritan, but out of his own slender
+resources ministering to the old man's especial comfort in many ways and
+matters which Uncle Joe would have seen him hanged and quartered before
+he would in a like manner done likewise. But the end came--the old
+fellow held on toughly; he never died until Lev's patience, hope and
+slender income were quite threadbare; so he at last went off the
+handle--Lev buried him and mourned the dispensation in true Kilkenny
+fashion.
+
+Lev Smith now awaited the settlement of Uncle Gunter's affairs in grief
+and solicitude. Another party also awaited the upshot of the matter,
+with due solemnity and expectation, and that party was Polly Williams,
+Lev's "intended," and her poor and miserly dad and marm, who knew Lev
+Smith, as they said, was a lazy, lolloping sort of a feller, but sure to
+get all that his poor, miserable uncle was worth in the world, and
+therefore, with more craft and diligence, if possible, than Lev
+practised, the Williamses set Polly's cap for Lev, and who, in turn, was
+not unmindful of the fact that Williams "had something" too, as well as
+his two children, Polly and Peter. Things seemed indeed bright and
+propitious on all sides. The day came; Lev was on hand at Squire
+Cornelius's, to hear the will read, and the estate of the deceased
+settled.
+
+As usual in such cases in the country, quite a number of the neighbors
+were on hand--old Williams, of course.
+
+"He was a queer old mortal," began the Squire.
+
+"But a good man," sobbed Lev Smith, drawing out his bandanna, and
+smothering his sharp nose in it. "A good man, 'Squire."
+
+"God's his judge," responded the Squire, and a number of the neighbors
+shook their head and stroked their beards, as if to say amen.
+
+"Joseph Gunter mout have been a good man and he mout not," continued the
+Squire; "some thinks he was not; I only say he was a queer old mortal,
+and here's his will. Last will and testament of Joseph Gunter, &c.,
+&c.," continued the Squire.
+
+"Poor, dear old man," sobbed Lev. "Poor _dear_ old man!"
+
+"Being without wife or children," continued the 'Squire.
+
+"O, dear! poor, dear old man, how _I_ shall miss him in this world of
+sorrow and sin," sobs Lev, while old Williams bit his skinny lips, and
+the neighbors again stroked their beards.
+
+"To comfort my declining years--"
+
+"Poor, _dear_ old man, he was to be pitied; I did all I could do,"
+groaned the disconsolate Lev, "but I didn't do half enough."
+
+"Passing coldly and cheerless through the world--" continued the
+'Squire.
+
+"Yes, he did, poor old man; O, dear!" says Lev.
+
+"Cared for by none, hated and shunned by all (Lev looked vacantly over
+his handkerchief, at the Squire), I have made up my mind (Lev all
+attention) that no mortal shall benefit by me; I have therefore
+mortgaged and sold (Lev's eyes spreading) everything I had of a dollar's
+value in the world, and buried the money in the earth where none but the
+devil himself can find it!"
+
+There was a general snicker and stare--all eyes on Lev, his face as
+blank as a sham cartridge, while old Williams's countenance fell into a
+concatenation of grimaces and wrinkles--language fails to describe!
+
+"But here's a codicil," says the 'Squire, re-adjusting his glasses.
+"Knowing my nephew, Levi Smith, expects something (Lev brightens up, old
+Williams grins!)--he has hung around me for a long time, expecting it
+(Lev's jaw falls), I do hereby freely forgive him his six years boarding
+and lodging, and, furthermore, make him a present of my two old negroes,
+Ben and Dinah."
+
+"The--the--the--cussed old screw," bawls old Williams.
+
+"The infernal, double and twisted, mean, contemptible, miserable old
+scoundrel!" cries poor Lev, foaming with virtuous indignation, and
+swinging his doubled up fists.
+
+"And you--you--you cussed, do-less, good for nothing, hypocritical
+skunk, you," yells old Williams, shaking his bony fingers in poor Lev's
+face, the neighbors grinning from ear to ear, "to humbug me, my wife, my
+Polly, in this yer way. Now clear yourself--take them old niggers, don't
+leave 'em here for the crows to eat--clear yourself!"
+
+Lev Smith sneaks off like a kill-sheep dog, leaving old Ben and Dinah to
+the tender mercies of a quite miserable and equally wretched
+neighborhood. Polly Williams didn't "take on" much about the matter, but
+in the course of a few weeks took another venture in love's lottery,
+and--was married. Poor Lev Smith returned to the scenes of his
+childhood, a wiser and a poorer man.
+
+
+
+
+The Troubles of a Mover.
+
+
+"Mr. Flash in?"
+
+"Mr. Flash? Don't know any such person, my son."
+
+"Why, he lives here!" continued the boy.
+
+"Guess not, my son; I live here."
+
+"Well, this is the house, for I brought the things here."
+
+"What things?" says our friend, Flannigan.
+
+"Why, the door mat, the brooms, buckets and brushes," says little
+breeches.
+
+Flannigan looks vacantly at his own door mat, for a minute, then says
+he--
+
+"Come in my man, I'll see if any such articles have come here, for us."
+
+The boy walks into the hall, amid the barricades of yet unplaced
+household effects--for Flannigan had just moved in--and Flannigan calls
+for Mrs. F. The lady appears and denies all knowledge of any such
+purchases, or reception of buckets, brooms, and little breeches clears
+out.
+
+In the course of an hour, a violent jerk at the bell announces another
+customer. Flannigan being at work in the parlor, answers the call; he
+opens the door, and there stands "a greasy citizen."
+
+"Goo' mornin'. Mr. Flash in?"
+
+"Mr. Flash? I don't know him, sir."
+
+"You don't?" says the "greasy citizen." "He lives here, got this bill
+agin him, thirty-four dollars, ten cents, per-visions."
+
+"I live here, sir; my name's Flannigan, I don't know you, or owe you, of
+course!"
+
+"Well, that's a pooty spot o' work, _any how_;" growls our greasy
+citizen, crumpling up his bill. "Where's Flash?"
+
+"I can't possibly say," says Flannigan.
+
+"You can't?"
+
+"Certainly not."
+
+"Don't know where he's gone to?" growls the butcher.
+
+"No more than the man in the moon!"
+
+"Well, he ain't goin' to dodge _me_, in no sich a way," says the
+butcher. "I'll find him, if it costs me a bullock, you may tell him
+so!--for _me!_" growls the butcher.
+
+"Tell him yourself, sir; I've nothing to do with the fellow, don't know
+him from Adam, as I've already told _you_," says Flannigan, closing the
+door--the "greasy citizen" walking down the steps muttering thoughts
+that breathe and words that burn!
+
+Flannigan had just elevated himself upon the top of the centre table, to
+hang up Mrs. F.'s portrait upon the parlor wall, when another ring was
+heard of the bell. He called to his little daughter to open the door and
+see what was wanted.
+
+"Is your fadder in, ah?"
+
+"Yes, sir, I'll call him," says the child, but before she could reach
+the parlor, a burly Dutch baker marches in.
+
+"Goot mornin', I bro't de _pills_ in."
+
+"Pills?" says Flannigan.
+
+"Yaw, for de prets," continues the baker; "nine tollars foof'ey cents. I
+vos heert you was movin', so I tink maybees you was run away."
+
+"Mistake, sir, I don't owe you a cent; never bought bread of you!"
+
+"_Vaw's!_ Tonner a' blitzen!--don't owes me!"
+
+"Not a cent!" says Flannigan, standing--hammer in hand, upon the top of
+the table.
+
+"_Vaw's!_ you goin' thrun away and sheet me, _ah_?"
+
+"Look here, my friend, you are under a mistake. I've just moved in
+here, my name's Flannigan, you never saw me before, and of course I
+never dealt with you!--don't you see?"
+
+"Tonner a' blitzen!" cries the enraged baker, "I see vat you vant, to
+sheet me out mine preet, you raskills--I go fetch the con-stabl's, de
+shudge, de sher'ffs, and I have mine mon-ney in mine hands!" and off
+rushes the enraged man of dough, upsetting the various small articles
+piled up on the bureau in the hall--by _wanging_ to the door.
+
+Poor Flannigan felt quite "put out;" he came very near dashing his
+hammer at the Dutchman's head, but hoping there was an end to the
+annoyances he kept at work, until another ring of the bell announced
+another call. The Irish girl went to the door; Flannigan listens--
+
+"Mr. Flash in?"
+
+"Yees!" says Biddy, supposing Flash and Flannigan was the same in Dutch.
+"Would yees come in, sir," and in comes the young man.
+
+"Good morning, sir," quoth he; "I've called as you requested sir, with
+the bill of that china set, &c."
+
+"Mistake, sir--I've bought no china set, lately," says Flannigan.
+
+"Isn't your name Flash, sir!"
+
+"No, sir, my name's _Flannigan_. I've just moved here."
+
+"Indeed," says the clerk. "Well, sir, where has Flash gone to, do you
+know."
+
+"Gone to be hanged! I trust, for I've been bothered all this morning by
+persons that scoundrel appears to owe. He moved out of here, day before
+yesterday; I took his unexpired term of the lease of this dwelling,
+having noticed it advertised, gave the fellow a bonus for his lease, and
+he cleared for California, I believe."
+
+This concise statement appeared to satisfy the clerk that his "firm" was
+_done_, and the young man and _his_ bill stepped out. Another _ring_,
+and Flannigan opens the door; two men wanted to see Mr. Flash; he had
+been buying some tin-ware of one, and the other he owed for putting up a
+fire range in the building, and which range and accoutrements poor
+Flannigan had bought for twenty-five dollars, cash down! These gentlemen
+felt very vindictive, of course, and hinted awful strong that Flannigan
+was privy to Flash's movements; and a great deal more, until Flannigan
+losing his patience, and then his temper, ordered the men to
+vamose!--they did, giving poor Flannigan a "good blessing" as they
+walked away!
+
+The family was about to sit down to a "made-up dinner" in the back
+parlor, when the bell rang; the Irish girl answered the call, and
+returned with a bill of sundry groceries, handed in by a man at the
+door.
+
+"Tell him Mr. Flash has gone--left--don't know him, and don't want to
+know him, or have any thing to do with him or his bill!"
+
+The girl carried back the bill; presently Flannigan hears a _muss_ in
+the hall, he gets up and goes out; there was Biddy and the grocer's man
+in a high dispute. Biddy--"true to her instinct," had made a bull of her
+message by telling the man her master didn't know him; go to the divil
+wid his bill! Flannigan managed to pacify the man, and give him to
+understand that Mr. Flash was gone to parts unknown, and--the grocer, in
+common with bakers, butchers, tinners and china dealers--were _done!_
+
+But now came the tug of war; two "colored ladies" made their appearance,
+for a small bill of seven dollars, for washing and ironing the dickeys
+and fine linen of the Flashes.
+
+"An' de fac _am_," says the one, "we's bound to hab de money, _shuah!_"
+
+It did not seem to _take_ when Flannigan informed his colored friends
+that they were surely _done_, as their debtor had "cut his lucky" and
+gone!
+
+The darkies felt inclined to be _sassy_, and Flannigan closed the door,
+ordering them to create a vacancy by clearing out, and just as he closed
+the door, ring goes the bell!
+
+"Be gor," says a brawny "adopted citizen," planting his brogan upon the
+sill, as Flannigan opened the door--"I've come wid me _coz_-zin to git
+her wages, ye's owin' her!"
+
+"Me? Owe you?" cries poor Flannigan.
+
+"_Igh!_" says Paddy, trying to push his way into the hall.
+
+"Stand back, you scoundrel!" cries Flannigan.
+
+"_Scoun-thril!_" roars the outraged "adopted citizen."
+
+"Stand back, you infernal ruffian!" exclaims Flannigan, as Paddy makes a
+rush to grab him.
+
+"Give me me coz-zin's wages, ye--ye--" but here his oration drew towards
+a close, for Flannigan, no longer able to recognise virtue in
+forbearance, opened the door and planting his own huge fist between the
+_ogle-factories_ of Paddy, knocked him as stiff as a bull beef! Falling,
+Paddy carried away his red-faced burly coz-zin, and the twain tumbling
+upon the two negro women who were still at the bottom of the steps,
+dilating, to any number of lookers-on, upon the rascality of poor
+Flannigan in gouging them out of their washing bill, down went the white
+spirits and black, all in a lump.
+
+Here was a row! A mob gathered; "the people in that house" were
+denounced in all manner of ways, the negroes screamed, the Irish roared,
+the Dutch baker came up with a police-man to arrest Flannigan for
+stealing his bread! And soon the butcher arrived with another officer to
+seize the goods of Flash, supposed to be in the house--ready to be taken
+away!
+
+Such a double and twisted uproar in Dutch, Irish, Ethiopian and natural
+Yankee, was terrific!
+
+Mrs. F. fainted, the children screamed, and poor Flannigan was carried
+to the police office to answer half a cord of "charges," and reached
+home near sundown, quite exhausted, and his wallet bled for "costs,"
+fines, &c., some $20. Poor Flannigan moved again; the house had such a
+"bad name," he couldn't stay in it.
+
+
+
+
+The Question Settled.
+
+
+"Doctor" Gumbo, who "does business" somewhere along shore, met "Prof."
+_White_,--a gemman, whose complexion is four shades darker than the
+famed ace of spades,--a few evenings since, in front of the _Blade_
+office, and after the usual formalities of greeting, says the doctor--
+
+"What you tink, sah, oh dat Lobes question, what dey's makin' sich a
+debbil ob a talk about in de papers?"
+
+"Well," dignifiedly answered the professor of polish-on boots, "it's my
+'ticular opinion, sah, dat dat Lopes got into de wrong pew, brudder
+Gumbo, when he went down to Cuber for his healf!"
+
+"Pshaw! sah, I'se talkin' about de gwynna (guano) question, I is."
+
+"Well, doctor," said the professor, "I'se not posted up on de goanna
+question, no how; but, when you comes to de Cuber, or de best mode ob
+applyin' de principle ob liquid blackin' to de rale fuss-rate calfskin,
+_I'se dar!_"
+
+"O! oh!" grunts Gumbo; "professor, you'se great on de natural principles
+ob de chemical skyence, I see; but lord honey, I doos pity your
+ignorance on jography questions. So, take care ob yourself, ole
+nigger--yaw! yaw!" and they parted with the formality of two Websters,
+and half a dozen common-sized dignitaries of the nation thrown in.
+
+
+
+
+How it's Done at the Astor House.
+
+
+People often wonder how a man can manage to drink up his salary in
+liquor, provided it is sufficient to buy a gallon of the very best
+ardent every day in the year. How a fortune can be drank up, or drank
+down, by the possessor, is still a greater poser to the unsophisticated.
+Now, to be sure, a man who confines himself, in his potations, to
+fourpenny drinks of small beer, Columbian whiskey, or even that
+detestable stuff, by courtesy or custom called _French brandy_,--which,
+in fact, is generally aquafortis, corrosive sublimate, cochineal,
+logwood, and whiskey,--and don't happen to know too many drouthy
+cronies, may make a very long lane of it; but it's the easiest thing in
+the world to swallow a snug salary, income, mortgages, live stock, and
+real estate, when you know how it's done.
+
+Managing a theatre, publishing a newspaper, or keeping trained dogs or
+trotting horses, don't hardly begin to phlebotomize purse and
+reputation, like drinking.
+
+"Doctor," said a gay Southern blood, to a famed "tooth doctor," "look
+into my mouth."
+
+"I can't see any thing there, sir," says the tooth puller.
+
+"Can't? Well, that's deuced strange. Why, sir, look again; you see
+nothing!"
+
+"Nothing, sir!"
+
+"Why, sir," says the young planter, "it's most astonishing, for I've
+just finished swallowing--_three hundred negroes and two cotton
+plantations!_"
+
+Four young bucks met, some years ago, in a fashionable drinking saloon
+in Cincinnati. It was one of the most elegant drinking establishments in
+that part of the country. The young chaps belonged over in
+Kentucky--daddies rich, and they didn't care a snap! says they, let's
+have a spree! The "sham" came in, and they went at it; giving that a
+fair trial, they took a turn at sherry, hock, and a sample of all the
+most expensive stuffs the proprietors had on hand. Getting fuddled, they
+got uproarious; they kicked over the tables and knocked down the
+waiters. The landlord, not exactly appreciating that sort of "going on,"
+remonstrated, and was met by an array of pistols and knives. Mad and
+furious, the young chaps made a general onslaught on the people present,
+who "dug out" very quick, leaving the bacchanalians to their glory;
+whereupon, they fell to and fired their pistols into the mirrors,
+paintings, chandeliers, &c. Of course the watchmen came in, about the
+time the young gentlemen finished their youthful indiscretions, and
+after the usual battering and banging of the now almost inanimate bodies
+of the quartette, landed them in the calaboose. Next day they settled
+their bills, and it cost them about $2200! It was rather an expensive
+lesson, but it's altogether probable that they haven't forgotten a
+letter of it yet.
+
+A small party of country merchants, traders, &c., were cruising around
+New York, one evening, seeing the lions, and their cicerone,--by the
+way, a "native" who knew what _was_ what,--took them up Broadway, and as
+they passed the Astor House, says one of the strangers:
+
+"Smith, what's this thunderin' big house?"
+
+"O, ah, yes, this," says the cicerone, Smith, "_this_, boys, is a great
+tavern, fine place to get a drink."
+
+"Well, be hooky, let's all go in."
+
+In they all went; taking a private room or small side parlor, the
+country gents requested Smith to do the talking and order in the liquor.
+Smith called for a bill of fare, upon which are "invoiced" more "sorts"
+and harder named wines and _liquors_ than could be committed to memory
+in a week.
+
+"That's it," says Smith, marking a bill of fare, and handing it to the
+servant, "that's it--two bottles, bring 'em up."
+
+Up came the wine; it was, of course, elegant. The country gents froze to
+it. They had never tasted such stuff before, in all their born days!
+
+"Look a here, mister," says one of the "business men," "got eny more uv
+that wine?"
+
+"O, yes, sir!" says the servant.
+
+"Well, fetch it in."
+
+"Two bottles, sir?"
+
+"Two ganders! No, bring in six bottles!--I can go two on 'em myself,"
+says the country gent.
+
+The servant delivered his message at the bar, and after a few grimaces
+and whispering, the servant and one of the bar-keepers, or clerks,
+carried up the wine. Says the clerk, whispering to Smith, whom he
+slightly knew:
+
+"Smith, do you know the price of this wine?"
+
+"Certainly I do," says Smith; "here it's invoiced on the catalogue,
+ain't it?"
+
+"O, very well," says the clerk, about to withdraw.
+
+"Hold on!" says one of the merry country gents, "don't snake your
+handsome countenance off so quick; do yer want us to fork rite up fur
+these drinks?" hauling out his wallet.
+
+"No, yer don't," says another, hauling out his change.
+
+"My treat, if you please, boys," says the third, pulling out a handful
+of small change. "I asked the party in, an' I pay for what licker we
+drink--be thunder!"
+
+In the midst of their enthusiasm, the clerk observed it was of no
+importance just then--the bill would be presented when they got through.
+This was satisfactory, and the party went on finishing their wine,
+smoking, &c.
+
+"S'pose we have some rale sham-paigne, boys?" says one of the gents,
+beginning to feel his oats, some!
+
+"Agreed!" says the rest. Two bottles of the best "_sham_" in "the
+tavern" were called for, and which the party drank with great gusto.
+
+"Now," says one of them, "let's go to the the-ater, or some other place
+where there's a show goin' on. Here, you, mister,"--to the servant,--"go
+fetch in the landlord."
+
+"The landlord, sur?" says Pat, the servant, in some doubts as to the
+meaning of the phrase.
+
+"Ay, landlord--or that chap that was in here just now; tell him to fetch
+in the bill. Ah, here you are, old feller; well, what's the damages?"
+asks the gent, so ambitious of putting the party through, and hauling
+out a handful of keys, silver and coppers, to do it with.
+
+"Eight bottles of that old flim-flam-di-rip-rap," pronouncing one of
+those fancy gamboge titles found upon an Astor House catalogue,
+"_ninety-six dollars--_"
+
+"What?" gasped the country gent, gathering up his small change, that he
+had began to sort out on the table.
+
+"And two bottles of 'Shreider,' and cigars--seven dollars," coolly
+continued the bar-clerk; "one hundred and three dollars."
+
+"_A hundred and three thunder--_"
+
+"A HUNDRED AND THREE DOLLARS!" cried the country gents, in one breath,
+all starting to their feet, and putting on their hats.
+
+The clerk explained it, clear as mud; the trio "spudged up" the amount,
+looked very sober, and walked out.
+
+"Come, boys," said Smith, "let's go to the theatre."
+
+"Guess not," says "the boys." "B'lieve we'll go home for to-night, Mr.
+Smith." And they made for their lodgings.
+
+If those country gents were asked, when they got home, any particulars
+about the "elephant," they'd probably hint something about getting a
+glimpse of him at the Astor House.
+
+
+
+
+The Advertisement.
+
+
+Sit down for a moment, we will not detain you long, our story will
+interest you, we are sure, for it is most commendable, brief,
+and--singularly true.
+
+A poor widow, in the city of Philadelphia, was the mother of three
+pretty children, orphans of a ship-builder, who lost his life in the
+corvette Kensington, a naval vessel, built in Kensington for one of the
+South American republics, and launched in 1826. The South Americans
+being short of funds, the Kensington, after years of delay, was sold to
+the emperor of all the Russias, and sailed for Constradt in 1830. Some
+forty of the carpenters, who had built the vessel, went out in her; she
+had immense, but symmetrical spars--carried vast clouds of canvass--was
+caught off Cape Henlopen in a squall--her spars came thundering to the
+deck, and poor Glenn, the ship builder, was among the slain.
+
+The widow was allowed but a brief time to mourn for the departed;
+pinching poverty was at her door; upon her own exertions now devolved
+the care and toil of rearing her three children. Cynthia, the eldest,
+was a pretty brunette, of thirteen; the neighbors thought Cynthia could
+"go out to work;" the next eldest, Martin, a fine, sturdy and
+intelligent boy, could go to a trade; and the youngest, Rosa, one of the
+most beautiful, blue-eyed, blonde little girls of seven years, poetical
+fancy ever realized, "the neighbors thought," ought to be _given_ to
+somebody, to raise. The mother was but a feeble woman; it would be a
+task for her to obtain her own living, they thought; and so, kind,
+generous souls, with that peculiar readiness with which disinterested
+friends console or advise the unfortunate, "the neighbors" became very
+eloquent and argumentative. But though the mother's hands were weak, her
+heart was strong, and her love for her children still stronger.
+
+It is rather a singular trait in the human character, it appears to us,
+that people possessing the ordinary attributes of sane Christians,
+should so readily advise others to attempt, or do, that from which
+_they_ would instinctively recoil; the mass of Widow Glenn's advisers
+might have been far more serviceable to her, by contributing their mites
+towards preserving the unity of her little and precious family, than
+thus savagely advising its disbanding.
+
+Newspapers, at this day, were far less numerous very expensive, and
+circulated to a very limited degree, indeed. But the widow took a paper,
+a family, weekly journal; and while casting her vacant eye over the
+columns, at the close of a Saturday eve, after a severe week's toil for
+the bread her little and precious ones had eaten, the widow's attention
+was called to an advertisement, as follows:
+
+     "A Housekeeper Wanted.--An elderly gentleman desires a middle-aged,
+     pleasantly-disposed, tidy and industrious American woman, to take
+     charge and conduct the domestic affairs of his household. A
+     reasonable compensation allowed. Good reference required, _the
+     applicant to have no incumbrances_. Apply at this office, for the
+     address, &c."
+
+The eager smile, that seemed to warm the wan features of the widow, as
+she glanced over the advertisement, was dimmed and darkened, as the
+shining river of summer is shadowed by the heavy passing cloud, when she
+came to the chilling words--_the applicant to have no incumbrances_.
+
+"No incumbrances," moaned the widow, "shall none but God deign to smile
+or have mercy on the helpless orphans; are they to be feared, shunned,
+hated, because helpless? Must they perish--die with me
+alone--struggling against our woes, poverty, wretchedness? No! I know
+there is a God, he is good, powerful, merciful; he will turn the hearts
+of some towards the widow and the orphan; and though basilisk-like words
+warn me to hope not, I will apply--I will attempt to win attention,
+work, slave, toil, toil, toil, until my poor hands shall wear to the
+bone, and my eyes no longer do their office--if he will only have mercy,
+pity for my poor, poor orphans--God bless them!" and in melting
+tenderness and emotion, the poor woman dropped her face upon her lap and
+wept--her tears were the showers of hope, to the almost parched soil of
+her heart, and as the gentle dews of heaven fall to the earth, so fell
+the widow's tears in balmy freshness upon her visions of a brighter
+something--in the future.
+
+It was yet early in the evening; her children slept; the poor woman put
+on her bonnet and shawl, and started at once for the office of the
+_news_paper. The publisher was just closing his sanctum, but he gave the
+information the widow required, and favorably impressed with Mrs.
+Glenn's appearance and manner, the publisher, a quaker, interrogated her
+on various points of her present condition, prospects, &c.; and
+observed, that but for her children, he had no doubt of the widow's
+suiting the old man exactly.
+
+"But thee must not be neglected, or discarded from honest industry,
+because of thy responsibilities, which God hath given thee," said the
+quaker. "If thy lad is stout of his age, and a good boy, I will provide
+for him; he may learn our business, and be off thy charge, and thee may
+be enabled to keep thy two female children about thee."
+
+On the following Monday, the widow signified her intention of writing a
+few lines as an applicant for the situation of housekeeper, and
+afterwards to consult with the publisher in regard to her boy, Martin,
+and then bidding the courteous quaker farewell, she sought her humble
+domicil, with a much lighter heart than she had lately carried from her
+distressed and lonely home.
+
+In an ancient part of the Quaker city, facing the broad and beautiful
+Delaware river, stood a venerable mansion; but few of this class now
+remain in Philadelphia, and the one of which we now speak, but recently
+passed away, in the great conflagration that visited the city in 1850.
+In this substantial and stately brick edifice, lived one of the wealthy
+and retired ship brokers of Quakerdom. He was very wealthy, very
+eccentric, very good-hearted, but passionate, plethoric, gouty, and
+seventy years of age. Mr. Job Carson had lived long and seen much; he
+had been so engrossed in clearing his fortune, that from twenty-five to
+forty, he had not bethought him of that almost indispensable appendage
+to a man's comfort in this world--a wife. He was the next ten years
+considering the matter over, and then, having built and furnished
+himself a costly mansion, which he peopled with servants, headed by a
+maiden sister as housekeeper, Job thought, upon the whole--to which his
+sister added her strong consent--that matrimony would greatly increase
+his cares, and perhaps add more _noise_ and confusion to his household,
+than it might counterbalance or offset by probable comfort in "wedded
+happiness," so temptingly set forth to old bachelors.
+
+"No," said Job, at fifty, "I'll not marry, not trade off my single
+blessedness yet; at least, there's time enough, there's women enough;
+I'm young, hale, hearty, in the prime of life; no, I'll not give up the
+ship to woman yet."
+
+Another ten years rolled along, and the thing turned up in the retired
+merchant's mind again--he was now sixty, and one, at least, of the
+objections to his entering the wedded state, removed--for a man at sixty
+is scarcely too young to marry, surely.
+
+"Ah, it's all up," quoth Job Carson. "I'm spoiled now. I've had my own
+way so long, I could not think of surrendering to petticoats, turning
+my house into a nursery, and turning my back on the joys, quiet and
+comforts of bachelorhood. No, no, Job Carson--matrimony be hanged.
+You'll none of it." And so ten years more passed--now age and luxury do
+their work.
+
+"O, that infernal twinge in my toe. _O_, there it is again--hang the
+goat, it can't be gout. Dr. Bleedem swears I'm getting the gout.
+Blockhead--none of my kith or kin ever had such an infernal complaint.
+O, ah-h-h, that infernal window must be sand-bagged, given me this pain
+in the back, and--Banquo! Where the deuce is that nigger--Banquo-o-o!"
+
+"Yis, massa, here I is," said a good-natured, fat, black and
+sleek-looking old darkey, poking his shining, grinning face into the old
+gentleman's study, sitting, playing or smoking room.
+
+"Here you are? Where? You black sarpint, come here; go to Jackplane, the
+carpenter, and tell him to come here and make my sashes tight, d'ye
+hear?"
+
+"Yis, massa, dem's 'em; I'se off."
+
+"No, you ain't--come here, Banquo, you woolly son of Congo, you; go open
+my liquor case, bring the brandy and some cool water. There, now clear
+yourself."
+
+"Yis, massa, I'se gone, dis time--"
+
+"No, you ain't, come back; go to old Joe Winepipes, and tell him I send
+my compliments to him, and if he wants to continue that game of chess,
+let him come over this afternoon, d'ye hear?"
+
+"Yis, massa, dem's 'em, I'se gone dis time--_shuah!_"
+
+"Well, away with you."
+
+Old Job Carson was yet a rugged looking old gentleman. He had survived
+nearly all his "blood, kith and kin;" his sister had paid the last debt
+of nature some months before, and in hopes of finding some one to fill
+her station, in his domestic concerns, his advertisement had appeared
+in the _Weekly Bulletin_.
+
+"Ah, me, it's no use crying about spilt milk," sighed the old gent over
+his glass. "I suppose I've been a fool; out-lived everybody, everything
+useful to me. Made a fortune _first_, nobody to spend it _last_. Yes,
+yes," continued the old man, in a thoughtful strain, "old Job Carson
+will soon slip off the handle; 'poor old devil,' some bloodsucker may
+say, as he grabs Job's worldly effects, 'he's gone, had a hard scrabble
+to get together these things, and now, we'll pick his bones.' Well, let
+'em, let 'em; serves me right; ought to have known it before, but blast
+and rot 'em, if they only enjoy the pillage as much as I did the
+struggles to keep it together, why, a--it will be about an even thing
+with us, after all."
+
+"Yis, massa, here I is," chuckled Banquo, again putting his black bullet
+pate in at the door.
+
+"You are, eh? Well, clear yourself--no, come back; go down to Oatmeal's
+store, and tell him to let old Mrs. Dougherty, and the old blind man,
+and the sailor's wife, and--and--the rest of them, have their groceries,
+again, this week--only another week, mind, for I'm not going to support
+the whole neighborhood any longer--tell him so."
+
+"Yis, massa, I'se gone."
+
+"Wait, come here, Banquo; well, never mind--clear out."
+
+But Banquo returned in a moment, saying:
+
+"Dar's a lady at the doo-ah, sah; says she wants to see you, sah, 'bout
+'ticlar business, sah."
+
+"Is, eh? Well, call her into the parlor, I'll be down--ah-h, that
+infernal _twinge_ again, ah-h-h-h, ah-h! What a stupid ass a man is to
+hang around in this world until he's a nuisance to himself and every
+body else!" grunted old Job, as he groped his way down stairs, and into
+the parlor.
+
+"Good morning, ma'am," said he, as he confronted the widow, who, in
+the utmost taste of simple neatness, had arranged her spare dress, to
+meet the umpire of her future fate.
+
+Mrs. Glenn respectfully acknowledged the salutation, and at once opened
+her business to the bluff old man.
+
+"Yes, yes; I'm a poor, unfortunate creature, ma'am; I'm nothing, nobody,
+any more. I want somebody to see that I'm not robbed, or poisoned, and
+that I may have a bed to lie upon, and a clean piece of linen to my back
+occasionally, and a--that's all I want, ma'am."
+
+The widow feigned to hope she knew the duties of a housekeeper, and
+situated as she was, it was a labor of love to work--toil, for those
+misfortune had placed in her charge.
+
+"Eh? what's that--haven't got _incumbrances_, have you, ma'am?"
+
+"I have three children, sir," meekly said the widow.
+
+"Three children?" gruffly responded the old gentleman; "ah, umph, what
+business have you, ma'am, with three children?"
+
+[Illustration: "Three children?" gruffly responded the old gentleman.
+"Ah, umph, what business have you, ma'am, with three
+children?"--_Page_ 393.]
+
+The widow, not apparently able to answer such a poser, the old gentleman
+continued:
+
+"Poor widows, poor people of any kind, have no business with
+_incumbrances_, ma'am; no excuse at all, ma'am, for 'em."
+
+"So, alas!" said Mrs. Glenn, "I find the world too--too much inclined to
+reason; but I shall trust to the mercy and providence of the Lord, if
+denied the kind feelings of mortals."
+
+"Ah, yes, yes, that's it, ma'am; it's all very fine, ma'am; but too many
+poor, foolish creatures get themselves in a scrape, then depend upon the
+Lord to help 'em out. This shifting the responsibility to the shoulders
+of the Lord isn't right. I don't wonder the Lord shuts his ears to half
+he's asked to do, ma'am."
+
+"Well, sir, I thought I would _call_, though I feared my children would
+be an objection to--"
+
+"Yes, yes,--I don't want incumbrances, ma'am."
+
+"But I--I a--"--the widow's heart was too full for utterance; she moved
+towards the door. "Good morning, sir."
+
+"Stop, come back, ma'am, sit down; it's a pity--you've no business,
+ma'am, as I said before, to have incumbrances, when you haven't got any
+visible means of support. Now, if you only had one, one incumbrance--and
+that you'd no business to have"--said the old gent, doggedly, tapping an
+antique tortoise-shell snuff box, and applying "the pungent grains of
+titillating dust," as Pope observes, to his proboscis, "if you had only
+_one_ incumbrance--but you've got a house full, ma'am."
+
+"No, sir, only three!" answered widow Glenn.
+
+"Three, only three? God bless me, ma'am, I wouldn't be a poor woman with
+two--no, with one incumbrance at my petticoat tails--for the biggest
+ship and cargo old Steve Girard ever owned, ma'am."
+
+"I might," meekly said the widow, "put my son with the printer, sir; he
+has offered to take my poor boy."
+
+"Two girls and a boy?" inquiringly asked the old gent, applying the
+dust, and manipulating his box. "How old? Eldest thirteen, eh?--boy
+eleven, and the youngest seven, eh?" and working a traverse, or solving
+some problematic point, Job Carson stuck his hands under his morning
+gown, and strode over the floor; after a few evolutions of the kind, he
+stopped--fumbled in a drawer of a secretary, and placing a ten dollar
+note in the widow's hand, he said:
+
+"There, ma'am; I don't know that I shall want you, but to-morrow
+morning, if you have time, from other and more important business, call
+in, bring your children with you; good morning, ma'am--Banquo!"
+
+"Yis, sah; I'se heah."
+
+"Show the lady out--good morning, ma'am, good morning."
+
+"I like that woman's looks," said old Job, continuing his walk; "she's
+plain and tidy; she's industrious, I'll warrant; if she only hadn't that
+raft of _incumbrances_; what do these people have incumbrances for,
+anyway?--"
+
+"Lady at the doo-ah, sah," said Banquo.
+
+"Show her in. Good morning, ma'am; Banquo, a seat for the lady; yes,
+ma'am, I did; I want a housekeeper. I advertised for one. How many
+servants do I keep? Well, ma'am, I keep as many as I want. Have
+visitors? Of course I have. What and where are _my rooms_? Why, madam, I
+own the house, every brick and lath in it. I go to bed, and get up, and
+go round; come in and out, when I feel like it. What church do I worship
+in? I've assisted in _building_ a number, own a half of one, and a third
+of several; but, ma'am, between you and I--I don't want to be rude to a
+lady, ma'am, but I _do_ think, this examination ain't to my liking--you
+don't think the place would suit you, eh? Well, I think _your ladyship_
+wouldn't suit _me_, ma'am, so I'll bid your ladyship good morning," said
+old Job, bowing very obsequiously to the stiff-starched and acrimonious
+dame, who, returning the old gentleman's _bow_ with the same "high
+pressure" order, seized her skirts in one hand, and agitating her fan
+with the other, she stepped out, or _finikined_ along to the hall door,
+and as Banquo flew around, and put on the _extras_ to let her ladyship
+out, she gave the darkey a pat on the head with her fan, and looking
+crab-apples at the poor negro, she rushed down the steps and
+disappeared.
+
+"Tank you, ma'am; come again, eb you please--of'n!" said the pouting
+negro.
+
+"Yes, sah; here's nudder lady, sah," says Banquo, ushering in a rather
+ruddy, jolly-looking and perfectly-at-home daughter of the "gim o' the
+sae." The old gentleman eyed her liberal proportions; consulting his
+snuff-box, he answered "yes" to the woman's inquiry, if _he_ was the
+gintleman wanting the housekeeper.
+
+"Did you read my advertisement, ma'am?"
+
+"Me rade it? Not I, faix. Mr. Mullony, our landlord, was saying till
+us--"
+
+"Are you married, too?"
+
+"Married _two_? Do I look like a woman as would marry two? No, _sur_;
+I'm a dacent woman, sur; my name is Hannah Geaughey, Jimmy Geaughey's my
+husband, sur; he, poor man, wrought in the board-yard till he was _sun
+sthruck_, by manes of falling from a cuart, sur."
+
+"Well, ma'am, that will do, I'm sorry for your husband--one dollar,
+there it is; you wouldn't suit me at all; good morning, ma'am. Banquo,
+show the good woman to the door."
+
+"But, sur, I want the place!"
+
+"I don't want _you_--good morning."
+
+"Dis way, ma'am," said Banquo, marshalling the woman to the hall.
+
+"Stand away, ye nager; it's your masther I'm spakin' wid."
+
+"Go along, go along, woman, go, go, _go!_" roared the old gent.
+
+"But, as I was saying, Mr. Mullony said--says he--who the divil you
+push'n, you black nager?" said the woman, grabbing Banquo's woolly
+top-knot.
+
+"Dis way, ma'am," persevered Banquo, quartering towards the door.
+
+"Mr. Mullony was sayin', sur--"
+
+"Dis way, ma'am," continued the darkey, crowding Mrs. Geaughey, while
+his master was gesticulating furiously to keep on _crowding_ her.
+Finally, Banquo vanquished the Irish woman, and received orders from his
+master to admit no more applicants--the place was filled.
+
+That afternoon, old Captain Winepipes--a retired merchant and
+ship-master, an old bachelor, too, who was in the habit of exchanging
+visits with Job Carson, sipping brandy and water, talking over old times
+and playing chess--came to finish a litigated game, and Job and he
+discussed the matter of taking care of the widow and children of the
+dead ship-builder. At length, it was settled that, if the second
+interview with the widow, and an exhibition of her children, proved
+satisfactory to Job Carson, he should take them in; if found more than
+Job could attend to--
+
+"Why a--I'll go you halves, Job," said Captain Winepipes.
+
+Next day, Widow Glenn and her pretty children appeared at the door of
+Carson's mansion; and Banquo, full of pleasant anticipations, ushered
+them into the retired merchant's presence.
+
+It was evident, at the first glance the old gentleman gave the group,
+that the battle was more than half won.
+
+"Fine boy, that; come here, sir--eleven years of age, eh? Your name's
+Martin--Martin Glenn, eh? Well, Martin, my lad, you've got a big world
+before you--a fussing, fuming world, not worth finding out, not worth
+the powder that would blow it up. You've got to take your position in
+the ranks, too, mean and contemptible as they are; but you may make a
+good man; if the world don't benefit you, why a--you can benefit it;
+that's the way I've done--been obliged to do it, ain't sorry for it,
+neither," said the old man, with evident emotion.
+
+"Your name is Cynthia, eh? And you are a fine grown girl for your age,
+surely. Cynthia, you'll soon be capable of 'keeping house,' too; you've
+got a world before you, too, my dear; a wicked, scandalous world; a
+world full of deceit and _misery_--look at your mother, look at me! Ah,
+well, it's all our own fault; yours, madam, for having these--these
+_incumbrances_, and mine, poor devil--for not having 'em. Cynthia,
+you're a fine girl; a good girl, I know. Ah, here's mamma's pet, I
+suppose; Rose Glenn, very pretty name, pretty girl, too, very pretty.
+Lips and cheeks like cherries, eyes brighter than Brazil diamonds.
+Ma'am, you've got great treasures here; a man must be a stupid ass to
+call these _incumbrances_. They are jewels of inestimable value. What's
+my filthy bank accounts, dollars and cents, houses, goods and chattels,
+that fire may destroy, and thieves steal--to these blessings that--that
+God has given the lone widow to strengthen her--cheer her in the dark
+path of life? God is great, generous, and just; I see it now, plainer
+than I ever did before. Banquo!"
+
+"Yis'r, I'se here, massa."
+
+"Go tell Counsellor Prime to call on me immediately; tell Captain
+Winepipes to come over--I want to see him. I'm going to make a fool of
+myself, I believe."
+
+"Yes, sah, I'se gone; gorry, I guess dere's suffin gwoin to happen to
+dat lady and dem chil'ns--shuah!" said Banquo, rushing out of the house.
+
+The fate of the ship-builder's family was fixed. Job Carson
+proposed--and the widow, of course, consented--that Martin Glenn should
+become the adopted son of the old gentleman, Job Carson; and that he
+should choose a trade or profession, which he should then, or later,
+learn, making the old gentleman's house as much his home as
+circumstances would permit; the two girls were to remain under the same
+roof with the mother, who was at once installed as housekeeper for the
+bluff and generous old gentleman.
+
+Old Captain Winepipes insisted on a share in the settlement, to wit:
+that both girls should be educated at his expense, which was finally
+acceded to, adding, that in case he--Captain Joseph Winepipes--should
+live to see Rose Glenn a bride, he should provide for her wedding, and
+give her a dowry.
+
+"Set that down in black and white, Mr. Prime," said Job, "and that I,
+Job Carson, do agree, should I live to see Cynthia Glenn a wife, to give
+her a comfortable start in the world--set that down, for I will do it,
+yes, I will," said the old gent, with an emphatic rap on his snuff-box.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Ten years passed away; Captain Winepipes has paid the debt of nature; he
+did not live to see Rose Glenn a wife; but, nevertheless, he left a
+clause in his will, that fully carried out his expressed intentions when
+Rose did marry, some two years after she arrived at the age of sweet
+seventeen. Martin Glenn Carson graduated in the printing office, and
+very recently filled one of the most important stations in the judiciary
+of Illinois, as well as a chivalrous part in the recent war with Mexico.
+Cynthia was wedded to a well known member of the Philadelphia bar, an
+event that Job Carson barely lived to see, and, as he agreed to, donated
+a sum, quite munificent, towards making things agreeable in the progress
+of her married life. Widow Glenn remained a faithful servant and friend
+to the old merchant, and, upon his death, she became heir to the family
+mansion, and means to keep it up at the usual bountiful rate. Large
+bequests were made in Job Carson's will, to charitable institutes, but
+the bulk of his fortune fell to his adopted son, Martin, who proved not
+unworthy of his good fortune. Banquo ended his days in the service of
+the widow, who had cause for and took pleasure in blessing the vehicle
+that conveyed to herself and orphans their rare good fortune, in guise
+of a NEWSPAPER ADVERTISEMENT.
+
+
+
+
+Incidents in a Fortune-Hunter's Life.
+
+
+We do not now recollect what philosopher it was who said, "it's no
+disgrace to be poor, but it's often confoundedly unhandy!" But, we have
+little or no sympathy for poor folks, who, ashamed of their poverty,
+make as many and tortuous writhings to escape its inconveniences, as
+though it was "against the law" to be poor. It is the cause of
+incalculable human misery, to _seem_ what we are _not_; to appear beyond
+_want_--yea, even in affluence and comfort, when the belly is robbed to
+clothe the back--the inner man crucified to make the outside _lie_ you
+through the world, or into--genteel "society." This, though abominable,
+is common, and leads to innumerable ups and downs, crime and fun, in
+this old world that we temporarily inhabit.
+
+Choosing rather to give our life pictures a familiar and diverting--and
+certainly none the less instructive garb--than to hunt up misery, and
+depict the woeful tragics of our existence, we will give the facts of a
+case--not uncommon, we ween, either, that came to us from a friend of
+one of the parties.
+
+In most cities--especially, perhaps, in Baltimore and Washington, are
+any quantity of decayed families; widows and orphans of men--who, while
+blessed with oxygen and hydrogen sufficient to keep them healthy and
+active--held offices, or such positions in the business world as enabled
+them and their families to carry pretty stiff necks, high heads, and go
+into what is called "good society;" meaning of course where good
+furniture garnishes good finished domiciles, good carpets, good rents,
+good dinners, and where good clothes are exhibited--but where good
+intentions, good manners and morals are mostly of no great importance.
+As, in most all such cases, when, by some fortuitous accident, the head
+of the family collapses, or dies,--the reckless regard for society
+having led to the squandering of the income, fast or faster than it
+came, the poor family is driven by the same society, so coveted, to hide
+away--move off, and by a thousand dodges of which wounded pride is
+capable, work their way through the world, under tissues of false
+pretences; at once ludicrous and pitiable. Such a family we have in
+view. Colonel Somebody held a lucrative office under government, in the
+city of Washington. Colonel Somebody, one day, very unexpectedly, died.
+There was nothing mysterious in that, but the Somebodies having always
+cut quite a swell in the "society" of the capital--which society, let us
+tell you, is of the most fluctuating, tin-foil and ephemeral character;
+it was by some considered strange, that as soon as Colonel Somebody had
+been decently buried in his grave, his family at once made a sale of
+their most expensive furniture--the horses, carriage, and man-servant
+disappeared, and the Somebodies apprized society that they were going
+north, to reside upon an estate of the Colonel's in New York. And so
+they vanished. Whither they went or how they fared society did not know,
+and society did not care!
+
+Mrs. Somebody had two daughters and a son, the eldest twenty-three,
+_confessedly_, and the youngest, the son, seventeen. Marriages, in such
+society, floating and changing as it does in Washington, are not
+frequent, and less happy or prosperous when effected; every body,
+inclined to become acquainted, or form matrimonial connections, are ever
+on the alert for something or somebody better than themselves; and under
+such circumstances, naturally enough, Miss Alice Somebody--though a
+pretty girl--talented, as the world goes, highly educated, too, as many
+hundreds beside her, was still a spinster at twenty-three. The fact was,
+Mrs. Somebody was a woman of experience in the world--indeed, a dozen
+years' experience in life at Washington, had given her very definite
+ideas of expediency and diplomacy; and hence, as the means were cut off
+to live in their usual style and expensiveness--Mrs. Somebody packed up
+and retired to Baltimore. The son soon found an occupation in a
+store--the daughter, being a woman of taste and education, resorted
+to--as a matter of _diversion_--they could not think of earning a
+living, of course!--the needle--while Mrs. Somebody arranged a pair of
+neat apartments, for two "gentlemen of unexceptionable reference," as
+boarders.
+
+During their palmy days at the capital of the nation, Miss Alice
+Somebody came in contact with a young gentleman named Rhapsody,--of
+pleasant and respectable demeanor, _an office-holder_, but not high up
+enough to suit the tastes and aims of Colonel Somebody and his lady; and
+so, our friend Rhapsody stood little or no chance for favor or
+preferment in the graces of Miss Alice, though he was a recognized
+visitor at the Colonel's house, and essayed to make an impression upon
+the heart's affections of the Colonel's daughter.
+
+Time fled, and with its fleetings came those changes in the fates and
+fortunes of the Somebodies, we have noted. Nor was our friend Rhapsody
+without his changes,--mutations of fortune, a change of government, made
+changes. Rhapsody one morning was not as much surprised as mortified to
+find his "services no longer required," as a new hand was awaiting his
+withdrawal. Rhapsody, true to custom at the capital--lived up to and
+ahead of his salary; and, when deposed, deemed it prudent to make his
+exit from a spot no longer likely to be favorable to the self-respect or
+personal comfort of a man bereft of power, and without patronage or
+position. Rhapsody, by trade (luckily he had a trade), was a boot-maker.
+Start not, reader, at the idea; we know "shoemaker" may have a tendency
+to shock some people, whose moral and mental culture has been sadly
+neglected, or quite perverted; but Rhapsody was but a boot-maker, and no
+doubt quite as gentlemanly--physically and mentally considered, as the
+many thousands who merely _wear_ boots, for the luxury of which they are
+indebted to the skill, labor and industry of others. Rhapsody came down
+gracefully, and quite as manfully, to his level, only changing the scene
+of his endeavors to the city of monuments. Rhapsody had feelings--pride.
+He sought obscurity, in which he might perform the necessary labors of
+his craft, to enable him to keep his head above water, and await that
+tide in the affairs of men, when perhaps he might again be drifted to
+fortune and favor.
+
+Rhapsody took lodgings in a respectable hotel; he arose late--took
+breakfast, read the news--smoked--lounged--dressed, and went through the
+ordinary evolutions of a gentleman of leisure, until he dined at 3 P.
+M.; then, by a circuitous way, he proceeded to his shop--put on his
+working attire, and went at it faithfully, until midnight, when, having
+accomplished his maximum of toil, he re-dressed--walked to his
+hotel--talked politics--fashions, etc., took his glass of wine with a
+friend, and very quietly retired; to rise on the morrow, and go through
+the same routine from day to day, only varying it a little by an eye to
+an eligible marriage, or a place.
+
+Rhapsody--we must give him the credit of the fact--from no mawkish
+feeling of his own, but from force of public opinion, resorted to this
+secret manner of eking out his daily bread, and acting out his part of
+the fictitious gentleman. During one of his morning
+lounges--accidentally, Rhapsody met Miss Somebody in the street. They
+had not met for some few years, and it may not be troublesome to
+conceive, that Miss Alice--under the new order of things--was more
+pleased than otherwise to renew the acquaintance of other days, with a
+gentleman still supposed to be--and his attire and manner surely gave
+no sign of an altered state of affairs--in a position recognizable by
+society.
+
+Rhapsody renewed his attentions to the Somebody family, and Miss Alice
+in particular--with fervor. He admitted himself no longer an _attache_
+of government, but offset the deprivation of government patronage, by
+asserting that he was graduating for a higher sphere in life than the
+drudgery and abjectness of a clerkship--he was studying political
+economy, and the learned profession of the law!
+
+The Somebodies were _game_; not a concession would they make to stern
+indigence; it was merely for the sake of quietude, said Mrs. Somebody,
+and the solace of retirement from the gay and tempestuous whirls of
+society, that _we_ changed the scene and dropped a peg lower in domestic
+show. Rhapsody believed Colonel Somebody a man of substance. He knew how
+easy it was to account for the expenditure of fifteen hundred dollars a
+year, but it did not so readily appear possible for a man holding the
+Colonel's place and perquisites, some thousands a year, to die poor,
+without estate; ergo, the Somebodies were still, doubtless, _somebody_,
+and the more the infatuated Rhapsody dwelt upon it, the more he absorbed
+the idea of forming an alliance with the dead Colonel's family. And the
+favor with which he was received seemed to facilitate matters as
+desirably as could be wished for. What airy castles, or gossamer
+projects may have haunted the fancy of our sanguine friend, Rhapsody, we
+know not; but that he whacked away more cheerily at his trade, and kept
+up his appearances spiritedly, was evident enough. An expert and
+artistic craftsman, he secured paying work, and executed it to the
+satisfaction of his employers.
+
+The industry of the Somebodies was one of the traits in the characters
+of the two young women, particularly commendatory to Rhapsody; he
+seldom paid them a morning or afternoon call, that they were not
+diligently engaged with needles and Berlin wool--fashioning wrought
+suspenders for brother, slippers for brother, or mother, or sister, or
+the Rev. Mr. So-and-So--the recently made inmate of the family. The
+multiplicity of such performances, for brother, mother, sister, the
+reverend gentleman--_mere pastime_, as Mrs. Somebody would remark,--most
+probably would have caused a mystery or misgiving in the minds of many
+adventurous _Lotharios_; but Rhapsody, though, as we see, a man of the
+world, had something yet to learn of society and its complexities.
+Things progressed smoothly--the reverend gentleman facetiously cajoled
+Miss Alice and the mother upon the issue of coming events--the lively
+young lawyer, etc., etc.,--and it seemed to be a settled matter that
+Miss Alice was to be the bride of Mr. Rhapsody at last.
+
+Rhapsody, usually, after dark, in the evening, in his laboring garments,
+made his return of work and received more. Whilst thus out, one evening,
+on business, in making a sudden turn of a corner, he came plump upon
+Mrs. Somebody and Alice! Rhapsody would have dashed down a cellar--into
+a shop--up an alley, or sunk through the footwalk, had any such
+opportunity offered, but there was none--he was there--beneath the flame
+of a street lamp, with the eagle eyes of all the party upon him! Cut off
+from retreat, he boldly faced the enemy!
+
+He was going to a political caucus meeting in a noisy and turbulent
+ward--apprehended a disturbance--donned those shady habiliments, and the
+large green bag in his hand, that a--well, though it did not seem to
+contain such goods, was supposed, for the nonce, to contain his books
+and papers; documents he was likely to have use for at the caucus!
+Rhapsody got through--it was a tight shave; he dexterously declined
+accompanying the ladies home--they were rather queerly attired
+themselves, it occurred to Rhapsody; they made some excuse for their
+appearance, and so the maskers _quit, even_. Time passed on--Alice and
+Rhapsody had almost climaxed the preparatory negotiations of an hymenial
+conclusion, when another _contretemps_ came to pass--it was the grand
+finale.
+
+It was on a rather blustery night, that Rhapsody, in haste, sought the
+shop of his employer; he had work in hand which, being ordered done at a
+certain hour, for an anxious customer, he was in haste to deliver. His
+green bag under his arm, in rushed Rhapsody,--the servant of the
+customer was awaiting the arrival of the _bottier_ and his master's
+boots. The shopman eagerly seized Rhapsody's verdant-colored satchel,
+and out came the boots, and which underwent many critical inspections,
+eliciting sundry professional remarks from the shopman, to our hero,
+Rhapsody, who, in his business matters had assumed, it appeared, the
+more humble name of _Mr. Jones_, in the shop. The customer's servant
+stood by the counter--fencing off a lady, further on--from immediate
+notice of Rhapsody. A side glance revealed sundry patterns or specimens
+of most elegantly-wrought slippers--the boss of the shop, and the lady,
+were apparently negotiating a trade, in these embroidered articles; the
+lady, now but a few feet from Rhapsody and the garrulous shopman, turned
+toward the poor fellow just as the shopman had stuffed more work into
+the green bag--their eyes met. Rhapsody felt an all-overish sensation
+peculiar to that experienced by an amateur in a shower bath, during his
+first _douse_, or the incipient criminal detected in his initiatory
+crime! Poor Rhapsody felt like fainting, while Miss Alice Somebody,
+without the nerve to gather up her work, or withstand a further test of
+the force of circumstances, precipitately left the store, her face red
+as scarlet, and her demeanor wild and incomprehensible, at least to all
+but Rhapsody.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Rhapsody was at breakfast the next morning--a servant announced a
+gentleman in the parlor desirous of an interview with Mr. Rhapsody--it
+was granted, and soon _Jones_, the _boot-maker_, confronted the Rev. Mr.
+So-and-So. Though an inclination to _smile_ played about the pleasant
+features of the reverend gentleman, he assumed to be severe upon what he
+called the duplicity of Mr. Rhapsody; and that gentleman patiently
+hearing the story out, quietly asked:
+
+"Are you, sir, here as an accuser--denouncer, or an ambassador of peace
+and good will?"
+
+"The latter, sir, is my self-constituted mission," said the reverend
+gentleman.
+
+"Then," said Rhapsody, "I am ready to make all necessary concessions--a
+clean breast of it, you may say. I am in a false position--struggling
+against public opinion--false pride--falsely, and yet honestly, working
+my way through the world. I am no more nor less, nominally, than _Jones,
+the boot-maker_. Now," continued Rhapsody, "if a false purpose covers
+not a false heart also, I can yet be happy in the affections of Miss
+Somebody, and she in mine. For those who can battle as we have, against
+the common chances of indigence, upright and alone in our integrity, may
+surely yet win greater rewards by mutual consolation and support, our
+fortunes joined."
+
+"I have not been mistaken, then, sir," said the reverend gentleman, "in
+your character, if I was in your occupation; and you may rely upon my
+friendly service in an amicable and definite arrangement of this very
+delicate matter."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When General Harrison took the "chair of state," our friend Rhapsody was
+reinstated in his place, occupied years before, and by fortuitous
+circumstances he got still higher--an appointment of trust connected
+with a handsome salary; so that Jones, the boot-maker, was enabled to
+re-enter the Somebodies into the gay and fluctuating society at the
+national capital, from which they had been so unceremoniously driven by
+the death of the husband and father. Mrs. Somebody, that was, however,
+is now a much older and much wiser person, the wife of our ministerial
+friend, who vouches the difficulty he had in overcoming Mrs. Somebody's
+repugnance to leather--and for sundry quibbles--yea, strong arguments
+against any blood of hers ever uniting with the fates and fortunes of a
+boot-maker; with what _propriety_, her experience has long since taught
+her. Alice is the happiest of women, mother of many fine children, the
+wife of a man poverty could not corrupt, if public opinion forced him to
+mask the means that gave him bread. Rhapsody is no longer a politician,
+or office-holder, but engaged in lucrative pursuits that yield comfort
+and position in society. To relate the trials, courtship and marriage of
+"Jones, the boot-maker," is one of our friend Rhapsody's standing jokes,
+to friends at the fireside and dinner table; but that such a safe and
+happy tableau would again befall parties so circumstanced, is a very
+material question; and the moral of our story, being rather complex,
+though very definite, we leave to society, and you, reader, to
+determine.
+
+
+
+
+A Distinction with a Difference.
+
+
+A gentleman from "out 'town," came into Redding & Co.'s on Christmas
+day, and leaning thoughtfully over the counter, says he to Prescott,
+"Got any Psalms here?"
+
+"N-n-no," says Prescott, reflectingly, "but," he continued, after a
+moment's pause, and handing down a copy of Hood, "here's plenty of old
+Joe's!"
+
+The out-of-town gentleman gave a glance at _the pictures_, and with a
+countenance indicative of having been tasting a crab-apple--left!
+
+
+
+
+Pills and Persimmons.
+
+
+I remember an old "Joke" told me by my father, of an old, and rather
+addle-headed gentleman, who some fifty years ago did business in New
+Castle, Delaware, and having occasion to send out to England for
+hardware, wrote his order, and as he was about to despatch it to the
+captain of the ship, lying in the stream, ready for sea, a neighbor got
+him to add an order for some kegs of nails, and in the hurry, the old
+man dashed off his _P. S._, but upon attempting to read the whole order
+over, he couldn't make head or tail of it.
+
+"Well," says he, in a flurry, "I'll send it, just as it is; they are
+better scholars in England than I am--_they'll make it out_."
+
+Strange enough to say, when the hardware came over, among the rest of
+the stuff were the so many kegs of nails, but upon opening one of these
+kegs, it was full, or nearly so, of American quarter dollars. The old
+man roared out in a [word missing].
+
+"Haw! haw! haw! Well, blast me," says he, "if _they_ ain't scholars,
+fust-rate scholars, in England; _it's worth while sending 'em bad
+manuscript_."
+
+A still more comical mistake is related to us, of a commercial
+transaction that actually took place within a year or two, between
+parties severally situated in Boston and the city of San Francisco,
+California. As we consider the whole transaction rather _rich_, we
+transcribe it for the diversion it may furnish.
+
+Simmons, the "Oak Hall" man, of Boston, had set up a shop in San
+Francisco, to which he was almost daily sending all sorts of cheap
+clothing, and making, on the same, more money than a horse could pull;
+and in his package, he was in the habit of sending articles for friends,
+&c. A gentleman recently gone to the gold country, from Boston,
+acquainted with Simmons, and Simmons with him, found, upon looking
+around San Francisco, that his own business, _lawing_, wasn't worth two
+cents, as many of his craft were turning their attention to matters more
+useful to the human family--digging cellars, wheeling baggage, driving
+teams, &c. So lawyer Bunker _turned_ his attention from Blackstone,
+Chitty, Coke on Littleton, and those fellows of deep-red, blue-black
+law, to the manufacture of quack nostrums. Bunker found that the great
+appetite we Yankees have for quack medicines, pills and powders,
+suffered no diminution in the gold country; on the contrary, the
+appetite became rather sharpened for those luxuries, and Bunker found
+that a New York butcher, with whom he became acquainted, was absolutely
+making his fortune, by the manufacture of dough pills, spiced with
+coriander, and a slight tincture of calomel.
+
+"Egad!" says Bunker, "_I'll_ go into medicine. I'll write to a friend in
+Boston, to send me _out_ a few medicine and receipt books, and a lot of
+pulverized liquorice, quinine, &c., with a pill machine, and I guess
+I'll be after my New York butchering friend in a double brace of
+shakes."
+
+Now, it may be premised that as Bunker was a lawyer, he wrote a
+first-rate hand; in fact, he might have bragged of being able to equal,
+if not surpass, the "Hon." Rufus Choate, whose scrawl more resembles the
+scratchings of a poor half-drowned in an ink-saucer spider, meandering
+over foolscap, than quill-driving, and as unintelligible as the marks of
+a tea-box or hieroglyphics on the sarcophagus of ye ancient Egyptians!
+In short, Counsellor Bunker's manuscript was awful; a few of his most
+intimate friends, only, pretending to have the hang of it at all; and to
+one of these friends, Bunker directs his message, transmits it by Uncle
+Sam's mail _poche_, and in fever heat he awaits the return of the
+precious combustibles that were to make his fortune. In course of time,
+Bunker's friends receive the order, but, alas! it was all Greek to them;
+they cyphered in vain, to make out any thing in the letters except
+_persimmons_.
+
+"What the deuce," says one of Bunker's friends, "does Joe want with
+persimmons?"
+
+They went at it again, and again, but there was no mistaking the final
+sentence, "_send, without delay, persimmons_."
+
+"Persimmons?" said one.
+
+"Persimmons?" echoed another.
+
+"Persimmons? What in thunder does Joe Bunker want with _persimmons_?"
+responded a third.
+
+"Persimmons!" all three chimed.
+
+"Persimmons," says one, "are not used in law proceedings, anyhow."
+
+"Nor in gospel, even, provided Joe has got into that," responded
+another.
+
+"Persimmons are not medicinal."
+
+"They are not chemical."
+
+"Persimmons are no part, or ingredient, in art, science, law, or
+religion; now, for what does Joe Bunker, counsellor at law, want us to
+forward, without delay, _persimmons_?"
+
+Well, they couldn't tell; in vain they reasoned. Joe's letter was very
+brief, strictly to the point, and that point was--_persimmons!_ In the
+first place, it is not everybody that knows exactly what persimmons are,
+where they come from, and what they are good for. One of Bunker's
+friends had lived in the South; he knew persimmons; it occurred to him
+that possums, and some human beings, especially the colored pop'lation,
+were the only critters particularly fond of the fruit. Webster was
+consulted, to see what light he cast upon the matter: he informed them
+that "_Persimmon_ was a tree, and its fruit, a species of _Diospyros_, a
+native of the States south of New York. Fruit like a plum, and when not
+ripe, very hard and astringent (rather so), but when ripe, luscious and
+highly nutritious."
+
+"Well, there," said one of Bunker's friends, "I'll bet Joe's sick;
+persimmons have been prescribed for his cure, and the sooner we send the
+persimmons the better!"
+
+"Persimmons! Now I come to think of it," says the man who had a faint
+idea of what persimmons were, "they make beer, first-rate beer of
+persimmons, in the South, and it's my opinion, that Joe Bunker is going
+into persimmon beer business; as you say, he _may be_ sick--persimmon
+beer may be the California cure-all; in either case, let us forward the
+persimmons without delay!"
+
+Now persimmons never ripen until _touched_ pretty smartly with Jack
+Frost. This was in September; persimmons were mostly full grown, but not
+ripe. A large keg of them was ordered from Jersey, and as fast as Adams
+& Co.'s great Express to San Francisco could take them out, _the
+persimmons went!_
+
+Counsellor Bunker, relying upon his friends to forward without delay the
+tools and remedial agents to make his fortune in the pill business, went
+to work, got him an office, changed his name, and added an M. D. to it,
+had a sign painted, advertised his shop, and informed the public that on
+such a time he would open, and guarantee to cure all ills, from lumbago
+to liver complaint, from toothache to lock-jaw, spring fever to yaller
+janders, and in his enthusiasm, he sat down with a ream of paper, to
+count up the profits, and calculate the time it would take to get his
+pile of gold dust and start for home.
+
+The day arrived that Doctor Phlebotonizem was to open, and he found
+customers began to _call_, and sure enough, in comes a large keg, direct
+through from the States, to his address; the freight bill on it was
+pretty considerable, but Joe out and paid it, rejoicing to think that
+now he was all right, and that if the proprietors of gold dust and the
+lumbago, or any of the various ills set forth in his catalogue of human
+woes, had spare change, he would soon find them out. He closed his door,
+opened his cask--
+
+"What in the name of everlasting sin and misery is this?" was the first
+_burst_, upon feeling the fine saw dust, and seeing, nicely packed, the
+green and purple, round and glossy--he couldn't tell what.
+
+"Pills? No, good gracious, they can't be _pills_--smell queer--some
+mistake--can't be any mistake--my name on the cask--(tastes one of the
+'article')--O! by thunder! (tastes again)--I'm blasted, they (tastes
+again) are, by Jove, _persimmons!_ Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ho! ho! he! he!
+ha! ha! ha!"
+
+And the ex-counsellor of modern law roared until he grew livid in the
+face.
+
+"I see--ha! ha! I see; they have misunderstood every line I wrote them,
+except the last, and that--ha! ha! ha!--for my direction to send out my
+stuff _per Simmons_, they send me PERSIMMONS! Ha! ha! ha! ho! ho!"
+
+But, after enjoying the _fun_ of the matter, ex-counsellor Bunker
+discovered the thing was nothing to laugh at; _patients_ were at the
+door--if he did not soon prescribe for their cases, his now numerous
+creditors would prescribe for him! What was to be done? Very dull and
+prosy people often become enterprising and imaginative, to a wonderful
+degree, when put to their trumps. This philosophical fact applied to
+ex-counsellor Bunker's case exactly. He was there to better his fortune,
+and he felt bound to do it, persimmons or no persimmons. It occurred to
+him, as those infernal persimmons had cost him something, they ought to
+_bring in_ something. By the aid of starch and sugar, Doctor
+Phlebotonizem converted some hundreds of the smallest persimmons into
+_pills_--sugar-coated pills--warranted to cure about all the ills flesh
+was heir to, at $2 each dose. One generally constituted a dose for a
+full-grown person, and as the patient left with a countenance much
+"puckered up," and rarely returned, the _pseudo_ M. D. concluded there
+was virtue in persimmon pills, and so, after disposing of his stock to
+first-rate advantage, the doctor paid off his bills; tired of the pill
+trade, he _vamosed the ranche_ with about funds enough to reach home,
+and explain to his friends the difference between _per_ Simmons and
+_persimmons!_
+
+
+
+
+Mysteries and Miseries of the Life of a City Editor.
+
+
+A great deal has been written, to show that the literary business is a
+very disagreeable business; and that branch of it coming under the
+"Editorial" head is about as comfortable as the bed of Procustes would
+be to an invalid. It may doubtless look and sound well, to see one's
+name in print, going the rounds, especially at the head of the editorial
+columns, from ten to fifty thousand eyes and tongues scanning and
+pronouncing it every day, or week--hundreds and thousands of the fair
+sex wondering whether he is a young or an old man, a married man or a
+bachelor; while the pious and devout are contemplating the serious of
+his emanations, and conjecturing whether he be a Methodist, Puseyite, or
+Catholic, a Presbyterian, Unitarian or Baptist; and the politicians
+scanning his views, to discover whether he _leans_ toward the
+_Locofocos, Free-Soilers, or Whigs_--all being necessarily much
+mystified, inasmuch as the neutral writer, or editor, is obliged to
+study, and most vigilantly to act, the part of a cunning
+diplomatist--stroke every body's hair with the _grain!_
+
+
+
+
+The Tribulations of Incivility.
+
+
+"A gentleman by the name of Collins stopping with you?"
+
+"Collins?" was the response.
+
+"Yes, Collins, or Collings, I ain't sure which," said the hardy-looking,
+bronzed seaman, to the gaily-dressed, flippant-mannered, be-whiskered
+man of vast importance, presiding over the affairs of one of our
+"first-class hotels."
+
+"Very indefinite inquiry, then," said the hotel manager.
+
+"Well, I brought this small package from Bremen for a gentleman who came
+out passenger with us some time ago; he left it in Bremen--wanted me to
+fetch it out when the ship returned--here it is."
+
+"What do you want to leave it here for? We know nothing about the man,
+sir."
+
+"You don't? Well, you ought to, for the gentleman put up here, and told
+me he'd be around when we got into port again. He was a deuced clever
+fellow, and you ought to have kept the reckoning of such a man," said
+the seaman.
+
+"Ha, ha! we keep so many clever fellows," said he of the hotel, "that
+they are no novelties, sir."
+
+"I wonder then," said the seaman, "you do not imitate some of them, for
+there's no danger of the world's getting crowded with a crew of good
+men."
+
+"If you have any business with us we shall attend to it, sir, but we
+want none of your impertinence!"
+
+"O, you don't? Well, Mister, I've business aboard of your craft; if
+you're the commodore, I'd like you to see that my friend Collins is
+piped up, or that this package be stowed away where he could come afoul
+of it. His name is Collins; here it is in black and white, on the
+parcel, and here's where I was to drop it."
+
+One of the "understrappers" overhearing the dispute, whispered his
+dignified superior that Mr. Collins, an English gentleman, late from
+Bremen, was in the house, whereupon the dignified empressario, turning
+to the self-possessed man of the sea, said--
+
+"Ah, well, leave the parcel, leave the parcel; we _suppose_ it's
+correct."
+
+"There it is," said the seaman; "commodore, you see that the gentleman
+gets it; and I say," says the sailor, pushing back his hat and giving
+his breeches a regular sailor twitch, "I wish you'd please to say to the
+gentleman, Mr. Collins, you know, that Mr. Brace, first officer of the
+Triton, would like to see him aboard, any time he's at leisure."
+
+But in the multiplicity of greater affairs, the hotel gentleman hardly
+attempted to listen or attend to the sailor's message, and Mr. Brace,
+first officer of the Triton, bore away, muttering to himself--
+
+"These land-crabs mighty apt to put on airs. I'd like to have that
+powder monkey in my watch about a week--I'd have him down by the lifts
+and braces!"
+
+Let us suppose it to be in the glorious month of October, when the
+myriads of travellers by land and ocean are wending their way from the
+chilly north towards the sunny south, when the invalid seeks the tropics
+in pursuit of his health, and the speculative man of business returns
+with his "invoices," to his shop, or factory, where profit leads the
+way.
+
+We are on board ship--the Triton ploughing the deep blue waters of the
+ocean track from Sandy Hook to New Orleans; for October, the weather is
+rather unruly, _damp_, and boisterous. We perceive a number of
+passengers on board, and by near guess of our memory, we see a person or
+two we have seen before. Our be-whiskered friend of the "first-class
+hotel," is there; he does not look so self-possessed and pompous on
+board the heaving and tossing ship as he did behind his marble slab in
+"the office." "The sea, the sea!" as the song says, has quite taken the
+starch out of our stiff friend, who is not enjoying a first-rate time.
+And from an overheard conversation between two hardy, noble specimens of
+men that are men--two officers of the stoutly-timbered ship, the comfort
+of the be-whiskered gentleman is in danger of a commutation.
+
+"Do you know him, Mr. Brace?"
+
+"Yes, I know him; I knew him as soon as I got the cut of his jib coming
+aboard. Now, says I, my larky, you and I've got to travel together, and
+we'll settle a little odd reckoning, if you please, or if you don't
+please, afore we see the Balize. You see, that fellow keeps a crack
+hotel in York; I goes in there to deliver a package for a deuced good
+fellow as ever trod deck, and this powder monkey, loblolly-looking swab,
+puts on his airs, sticks up his nose, and hardly condescends to exchange
+signals with me. Ha! ha! I've met these galore cocks before; I can take
+the tail feathers out of 'em!" says Mr. Brace, who is the same hardy,
+frank and free fellow, with whom the reader has already formed something
+of a brief acquaintance. The person to whom Brace was addressing himself
+was the second officer of the merchantman, and it was settled that
+whatever nautical knowledge and skill could do to make things uneasy for
+Mr. Lollypops, the empressario of the "first-class hotel," was to be
+done, by mutual management of the two salt-water jokers.
+
+"It appears to me, that a--bless me, sir, a--how this ship rolls!" said
+Lollypops, coming upon deck, and addressing Mr. Brace; "I--a never saw a
+ship roll so."
+
+"Heavy sea on, sir," said Brace; "nothing to what we'll catch before a
+week's out."
+
+"Bad coast, I believe, at this time o' year?" said Lollypops, balancing
+himself on first one leg and then the other.
+
+"Worst coast in the world, sir; I'd rather go to Calcutta any time than
+go to Orleans; more vessels lost on the coast than are lost anywhere
+else on the four seas."
+
+"You don't say so!" said Lollypops.
+
+"Fact, sir," said Brace, who occasionally kept exchanging private and
+mysterious signals with the second officer, who held the wheel.
+
+"Let her up a point, Mr. Brown, let her up!" Mr. Brown did let her up,
+and the way the Triton took head down and heels up and a roll to
+windward, did not speak so well for the nautical _menage_ of the
+officers as it did for the quiet deviltry of the salt-water Joe Millers.
+The avalanche of brine inundated the decks, making the sailors look
+quite asquirt, and driving Mr. Lollypops, an ancient voyager or two, and
+sundry other travelling gentry--very suddenly into the cabin. The next
+day the same performance followed; the appearance of Lollypops on deck
+was a signal for Brace or Brown, to go in, get up a double _roll_ on the
+ship, an imaginary gale was discussed, wrecks and reefs, dangerous
+points and dreadful currents were descanted upon, until Mr. Lollypops'
+health, at the end of the first week, was no better fast; in fact, he
+was getting sick of the voyage, while others around grew fat upon it. A
+fine morning induced the invalid to light his regalia and walk the
+decks; immediately Mr. Brace, or Brown, gave orders to wash down the
+decks. Mr. Lollypops went aloft, _ergo_, as far as the main top;
+immediately the first officer had the men "going about," heaving here
+and letting go there; in short, so endangering the hat and underpinning
+of the be-whiskered landlord of the "first-class hotel" that he was fain
+to crawl down, take the wet decks, tip-toe, and crawl into the cabin,
+damp as a dishcloth, and utterly disgusted with what he had seen of the
+sea! Accidentally, one afternoon, a tar pot fell from aloft; somehow or
+other, the careless sailor who held it, or should have held it--"let go
+all" just when Mr. Lollypops was in the immediate neighborhood; the
+result was that he had a splendid dressing-gown and other
+equipments--ruined eternally! Going into the cabin, Lollypops inquires
+for the Captain--
+
+"Sir!" says he, "I am mad, Sir, very mad, Sir; yes, I am, Sir; look at
+me, only look at me! In rough weather we do not expect pleasant times at
+sea, but, Sir, ever since I have been on board, Sir, your infernal
+officers, Sir, have thrown this ship into all manner of unpleasant
+situations, kept the decks wet, rattled chains over my berth,
+wang-banged the rigging around, and finally, by thunder, I'm covered all
+over with villanous soap fat and tar! Now, Sir, this is not all the
+result of accident--it's premeditated rascality!"
+
+"Sir"--says the bully mate, coming forward, at this crisis, "my name's
+Mr. Brace; when I was aboard your craft, in New York, you rather put on
+_airs_, and I said if you and I ever got to sea together--we'd have a
+_blow_ out. Now we're about even; if you're a mind we'll call the matter
+square--"
+
+"Yes, yes, for heaven's sake, let us have no more of this!" says
+Lollypops.
+
+"We'll have a bottle together, and wish for a clean run to Orleans!"
+continued officer Brace.
+
+Lollypops agreed; he not only stood the wine, but got over his anger,
+vowed to look deeper into character, and never again rebuff honest
+manliness, though hid under the coarse costume of a son of Neptune! A
+hearty laugh closed the scene, and fair weather and a fine termination
+attended the voyage of the Triton to New Orleans; for a finer, drier
+craft never danced over the ocean wave, than that good ship, under
+_rational_ management.
+
+
+
+
+The Broomstick Marriage.
+
+
+"Marry in haste and repent at leisure," is a time-honored idea, and
+calls to mind a matrimonial circumstance which, according to pretty
+lively authority, once came about in the glorious Empire State. A
+certain Captain of a Lake Erie steamer, who was blessed with an elegant
+temperament for fun, fashion, and the feminines, was "laid up," over
+winter, near his childhood's home in Genesee county. Having nearly
+exhausted his private stock of jokes, and gone the entire rounds of life
+and liveliness of the season, he bethought him how he should create a
+little _stir_, and have his joke at the expense of a young Doctor, who
+had recently "located" in the neighborhood, and by his rather _taking_
+person and manners, cut something of a swath in the community, and
+especially amongst the _calico!_
+
+The profession of young Esculapius gave him an access to private society
+that ordinary circumstances did not vouch to most men. Among the many
+families with which Dr. Mutandis had formed an acquaintance was that of
+old Capt. Figgles. The Captain was a queer old mortal, who in his hale
+old days had quit life on the ocean wave for the quietude of
+agricultural comfort. The Captain was a blustering salt, whimsical, but
+generous and social, as old sailors most generally are. He was supposed
+to be in easy circumstances, but _how_ easy, very few knew.
+
+Capt. Figgles's family consisted of himself, three daughters, one
+married and "settled," the other two at home; an ancient colored woman,
+who had served in the Captain's family,--ship and shore--a lifetime.
+Dinah and old Sam, her husband, with two or three farm-laborers,
+constituted the Captain's household. Betsy, the youngest daughter, the
+old man's favorite, had been christened Elizabeth, but that not being
+warm enough for Capt. Figgles's idea of attachment, he ever called his
+daughter, Betsy, and so she was called by _almost_ everybody at all
+familiar with the family. Betsy Figgles was not a very poetical subject,
+by name or size. She was a fine, bouncing young woman of
+four-and-twenty; she was dutiful and bountiful, if not beautiful. She
+was useful, and even ornamental in her old father's eyes, and, as he was
+wont to say, in his never-to-be-forgotten salt-water _linguae_--
+
+"Betsy was a _craft_, she was; a square-bilt, trim, well-ballasted
+craft, fore and aft; none of your sky-scraping, taut, Baltimore clipper,
+fair-weather, no-tonnage jigamarees! Betsy is a _woman_; her mother was
+just like her when I fell in with her, and it wasn't long afore I
+chartered her for a life's voyage. And the man who lets such a woman
+slip her cable and stand off soundings, for 'Cowes and a market,' when
+he's got a chance to fill out her papers and take command, is not a
+_man_, but a mouse, or a long-tailed Jamaica rat!"
+
+Between Capt. Tiller, our Lake boatman, and Capt. Figgles, there was an
+intimacy of some years' standing, but the old Captain and the young
+Captain didn't exactly "hitch horses"--whether it was because Capt. T.
+came under the old man's idea of "a Jamaica rat," or because he looked
+upon inland sailors as greenhorns, deponent saith not.
+
+Dr. Mutandis and Capt. Figgles were only upon so-so sort of business
+sociality, though both the junior Captain and the Doctor were intimate
+enough with both the Miss Figgleses. Capt. Tiller, as we intimated, was
+about to leave for coming duties on the Lake, and being so full of old
+Nick, it was indispensable that he must play off a practical joke, or
+have some fun with somebody, as a sort of a yarn for the season, on his
+boat.
+
+The Figgleses announced a grand quilting scrape; the Doctor and Captain
+were among the invited guests, of course, and for some hours the
+assembled party had indeed as grand a good time generally as usually
+falls to the lot of a country community. Old black Ebenezer--but whose
+name had also been cut down for convenience sake to _Sam_, by the old
+Captain--did the orchestral duties upon his fiddle, which, aided by a
+youngster on the triangle and another on the tambourine, formed quite "a
+full band" for the occasion, and dancing was done up in style!
+
+As a sort of "change of scene" or divertisement in the programme,
+somebody proposed games of this and games of that, and while old Capt.
+Figgles was as busy as "a flea in a tar bucket"--to use the old
+gentleman's simile--fulminating and fabricating a rousing bowl of egg
+flip for the entire party, Capt. Tiller and Dr. Mutandis were sort of
+paired off with a party of eight, in which were the two Miss Figgleses,
+to get up their own game.
+
+"Good!" says Capt. Tiller, "pair off with Miss Betsy, Doctor, and I'll
+pair off with Miss Sally (the older daughter of Capt. F.), and now what
+say you? Let's make up a wedding-party--_let's jump the broomstick!_"
+
+"Agreed!" cries the Doctor. "Who'll be the parson?"
+
+"I'll be parson," says Capt. T.
+
+"Well, get your book."
+
+"Here it is!" cries another, poking a specimen of current Scripture into
+the _pseudo_ parson's hands.
+
+"Miss Betsy and Dr. Mutandis, stand up," says Capt. Tiller, assuming
+quite the air and grace of the parson.
+
+Bridesmaids, grooms, &c., were soon arranged in due order, and the
+interesting ceremony of joining hands and hearts in one happy bond of
+mutual and indissoluble (slightly, sometimes!) love and obedience was
+progressing.
+
+"Cap'n Figgles, you're wanted," says one, interrupting the old man, now
+busy concocting his grog for all hands.
+
+"Go to blazes, you son of a sea cook!" cries the old gentleman; "haven't
+you common decency to see when a man's engaged in a _calculation_ he
+oughtn't to be disturbed, eh?"
+
+"But Betsy's going to be married!" insists the disturber, who, in fact,
+was half-seas over in infatuation with Miss Betsy, and had had a slight
+inkling of a fact that by the law of the State anybody could marry a
+couple, and the marriage would be as obligatory upon the parties as
+though performed by the identical legal authorities to whom young folks
+"in a bad way" are in the habit of appealing for relief.
+
+"Let 'em heave ahead, you marine!" cries Capt. Figgles.
+
+"Are you really willing to allow it?" continues the swain.
+
+"Me willing? It's Betsy's affair; let her keep the lookout," said the
+old gent.
+
+"But don't you know, Cap'n----"
+
+"No! nor I don't care, you swab!" cries the excited Captain. "Bear away
+out of here," he continued, beginning to get down the glasses from the
+corner-cupboard shelves, "unless--but stop! hold on! here, take this
+waiter, Jones, and bear a hand with the grog, unless you want to stand
+by, and see the ship's company go down by the lifts and braces, dry as
+powder-monkeys! There; now pipe all hands--ship aho-o-o-oy!" bawls the
+old Captain; "bear up, the whole fleet! Now splice the main-brace! Don't
+nobody stand back, like loblolly boys at a funeral--come up and try
+Capt. Figgles's grog!"
+
+And up they came, the entire crew, old Ebenezer to the _le'ard_,
+sweating like an ox, and laying off for the piping bowl he knew he was
+"in for" from the hands of his indulgent old master.
+
+In the mean time, the marriage ceremony had had its hour, and the bride
+and bridegroom were "skylarking" with the rest of the company as
+happily together as turtle-doves in a clover-patch. The evening's
+entertainment wound up with an old-fashioned dance, and the quilting
+ended. Dr. Mutandis lived some five miles distant, and having a call to
+make the next morning near Capt. Figgles's farm, Dr. M. concluded to
+stop with the Captain. As Capt. Tiller was leaving, he took occasion to
+whisper into the ear of his medical friend--
+
+"I wish you much joy, my fine fellow; you're married, if you did but
+know it--fast as a church! Good time to you and Betsy!"
+
+"The devil!" says the Doctor, musingly; "it strikes me, since I come to
+think it over, that the laws of this State do privilege anybody to marry
+a couple! By thunder! it would be a fine spot of work for me if I was
+held to the ceremony by Miss Figgles!"
+
+But the Doctor kept quiet, and next morning, after breakfast, he
+departed upon his business. He had no sooner entered the house of his
+patient, than he was wished much joy and congratulated upon the
+_fatness_ and jolly good nature of his bride!
+
+"But," says the Doctor, "you're mistaken in this affair. It's all a
+hoax--a mere bit of fun!"
+
+"Ha! ha!" laughed his patient, "fun?--you call getting married _fun_?"
+
+"Yes," said the Doctor; "we were down at Capt. Figgles's; there was a
+quilting and sort of a frolic going on----"
+
+"Yes, we heard of it."
+
+"And, in fun, to keep up the sports of the evening, Capt. Tiller
+proposed to marry some of us. So Miss Figgles and I stood up, and
+Captain Tiller acted parson, and we had some sport."
+
+"Well," says the farmer (proprietor of the house), "Capt. Tiller has got
+you into a tight place, Doctor; he's been around, laughing at the trick
+he's played you, as perhaps you were not aware of the fact that by the
+law you are now just as legally and surely married as though the knot
+was tied by five dozen parsons or magistrates!"
+
+"I'll shoot Capt. Tiller, by Heavens!" cries the enraged Doctor. "He's a
+scoundrel! I'll crop his ears but I'll have satisfaction!"
+
+"Pooh!" says the farmer, "if Betsy Figgles does not object, and her
+father is willing and satisfied with the match as it is, I don't see,
+Doctor, that you need mind the matter."
+
+"I'll be revenged!" cries the Doctor.
+
+"You were never previously married, were you?" says the farmer.
+
+"No, sir," replied the Doctor.
+
+"Engaged to any lady?" continued the interrogator.
+
+"No, sir; I am too poor, too busy to think of such a folly as increasing
+my responsibilities to society!"
+
+"Then, sir," said the farmer, "allow me to congratulate you upon this
+very fortunate event, rather than a disagreeable joke, for Capt. Figgles
+is worth nearly a quarter of a million of dollars, sir; and Miss Betsy
+is no gaudy butterfly, but, sir, she's an excellent girl, whom you may
+be proud of as your wife."
+
+"'Squire," says the Doctor, "jump in with me, and go back to the
+Captain's and assist me to back out, beg the pardon of Miss Figgles and
+her father, and terminate this unpleasant farce."
+
+The magistrate-farmer got into the Doctor's gig, and soon they were at
+Capt. Figgles's door.
+
+"Captain," says the Doctor, "I don't know what excuse I _can_ offer for
+the fool I've made of myself, through that puppy, Capt. Tiller, but,
+sir----"
+
+"Look a-here!" says the Captain, staring the Doctor broad in the face,
+"I've got wind of the whole affair; now ease off your palaver. You've
+married my daughter Betsy, in a joke; she's fit for the wife of a
+Commodore, and all I've got to say is, if you want her, take her; if
+you don't want her, you're a fool, and ought to be made a powder-monkey
+for the rest of your natural life."
+
+"But the lady's will and wishes have not been consulted, sir."
+
+"Betsy!" cries the old Captain, "come here. What say you--are you
+willing to remain spliced with the Doctor, or not? Hold up your head, my
+gal--speak out!"
+
+"Yes--_I'm agreed, if he is_," said she.
+
+"Well said, hurrah!" cries the Captain. "Now, sir (to the Doctor), to
+make all right and tight, I here give you, in presence of the 'Squire,
+my favorite daughter Betsy, and one of the best farms in the State of
+New York. Are you satisfied, Doctor?"
+
+"Captain, I am. I shall try, sir, to make your daughter a happy woman!"
+returned the Doctor, and he did; he became the founder of a large
+family, and one of the wealthiest men in the State.
+
+Rather pleased, finally, with the _joke_, the Doctor managed to turn it
+upon the Captain, who in due course of law was arrested upon the charge
+of illegally personating a parson, and marrying a couple without a
+license! He was fined fifty dollars and costs; and of course was thus
+caused to laugh on the wrong side of his mouth.
+
+
+
+
+Appearances are Deceitful.
+
+
+There are a great many good jokes told of the false notions formed as to
+the character and standing of persons, as judged by their dress and
+other outward signs. It is asserted, that a fine coat and silvery tone
+of voice, are no evidence of the gentleman, and few people of the
+present day will have the hardihood to assert that a blunt address, or
+shabby coat, are infallible recommendations for putting, however honest,
+or worthy, a man in a prominent attitude before the world, or the
+community he moves in. Some men of wealth, for the sake of variety,
+sometimes assume an eccentric or coarseness of costume, that answers all
+very well, as long as they keep where they are known; but to find out
+the levelling principles of utter nothingness among your fellow mortals,
+only assume a shabby apparel and stroll out among strangers, and you'll
+be essentially _knocked_ by the force of these facts. However, in this
+or almost any other Christian community, there is little, if any excuse,
+for a man, woman, or child going about or being "shabby." Let your
+garments, however coarse, be made clean and whole, and keep them so; if
+you have but one shirt and that minus sleeves and body, have the
+fragments washed, and make not your face and hands a stranger to the
+refreshing and purifying effects of water.
+
+General Pinckney was one of the old school gentlemen of South Carolina.
+A man he was of the most punctilious precision in manners and customs,
+in courtesy, and cleanliness of dress and person; a man of brilliant
+talents, and, in every sense of the word, "a perfect gentleman!" Mr.
+Pinckney was one of the members of the first Congress, and during his
+sojourn in Philadelphia, boarded with an old lady by the name of Hall, I
+think--Mrs. Hall, a staid, prim and precise dame of the old regime.
+Mistress Hall was a widow; she kept but few boarders in her fine old
+mansion, on Chestnut street, and her few boarders were mostly members of
+Congress, or belonged to the Continental army. Never, since the days of
+that remarkable lady we read of in the books, who made her servant take
+her chair out of doors, and air it, if any body by chance sat down on
+it, and who was known to empty her tea-kettle, because somebody crossed
+the hearth during the operation of boiling water for tea,--exceeded
+Mistress Hall in domestic prudery and etiquette; hence it may be well
+imagined that "shabby people" and the "small fry" generally, found
+little or no favor in the eyes of the Quaker landlady of "ye olden
+time."
+
+General Pinckney having served out his term or resigned his place, it
+was filled by another noted individual of Charleston, General Lowndes,
+one of the most courteous and talented men of his day, but the
+slovenliest and most shockingly ill-accoutred man on record. But for the
+care and watchfulness of one of the most superb women in existence at
+the time--Mrs. Lowndes,--the General would probably have frequently
+appeared in public, with his coat inside out, and his shirt over all!
+
+General Lowndes, in starting for Philadelphia, was recommended by his
+friend Pinckney, to put up at Mistress Hall's; General P. giving General
+Lowndes a letter of introduction to that lady. Travelling was a slow and
+tedious, as well as fatiguing and dirty operation, at that day, so that
+after a journey from Charleston to Philadelphia, even a man with some
+pretensions to dress and respectable _contour_, would be apt to look a
+little "mussy;" but for the poor General's part, he looked hard enough,
+in all conscience, and had he known the _effect_ such an appearance was
+likely to produce upon Mistress Hall, he would not have had the
+temerity of invading her premises. But the General's views were far
+above "buttons," leather, and prunella. Such a thing as paying
+deferential courtesies to a man's garments, was something not dreamed of
+in his philosophy.
+
+"Mrs. Hall's, I believe?" said the General, to a servant answering the
+ponderous, lion-headed knocker.
+
+"Yes, sah," responded the sable waiter. "Walk dis way, sah, into de
+parlor, sah."
+
+The General stalked in, leisurely; around the fire-place were seated a
+dozen of the boarders, the aforesaid "big bugs" of the olden time. Not
+one moved to offer the stranger a seat by the fire, although his warm
+Southern blood was pretty well congealed by the frosty air of the
+evening. The General pulled off his gloves, laid down his great heavy
+and dusty valice, and quietly took a remote seat to await the presence
+of the landlady. She came, lofty and imposing; coming into the parlor,
+with her astute cap upon her majestic head, her gold spectacles upon her
+nose, as stately as a stage queen!
+
+"Good evening," said the gallant General, rising and making a very
+polite bow. "Mrs. Hall, I presume?"
+
+"Yes, sir," she responded, stiffly, and eyeing Lowndes with considerable
+diffidence. "Any business with me, sir?"
+
+"Yes, madam," responded the General, "I--a--purpose remaining in the
+city some time, and--a--I shall be pleased to put up with you."
+
+"That's impossible, sir," was the ready and decisive reply. "My house is
+full; I cannot accommodate you."
+
+"Well, really, that _will_ be a disappointment, indeed," said the
+General, "for I'm quite a stranger in the city, and may find it
+difficult to procure permanent lodgings."
+
+"I presume not, sir," said she; "there are _taverns_ enough, where
+strangers are entertained."
+
+The gentlemen around the fire, never offered to tender the stranger any
+information upon the subject, but several eyed him very hard, and
+doubtless felt pleased to see the discomfitted and ill-accoutred
+traveller seize his baggage, adjust his dusty coat, and start out, which
+_he_ was evidently very loth to do.
+
+Just as Lowndes had reached the parlor door, it occurred to him that
+Pinckney had recommended him to "put up" at the widow's, and also had
+given him a letter of introduction to Mrs. Hall. This reminiscence
+caused the General to retrace his steps back into the parlor, where,
+placing his portmanteau on the table, he applied the key and opened it,
+and began fumbling around for his letters, to the no small wonder of the
+landlady and her respectable boarders.
+
+"I have here, I believe, madam, a letter for you," blandly said the
+General, still overhauling his baggage.
+
+"A letter for _me_, sir?" responded the lady.
+
+"Yes, madam, from an old friend of yours, who recommended me to stop
+with you. Ah, here it is, from your friend General Pinckney, of South
+Carolina."
+
+"General Pinckney!" echoed the landlady, all the gentlemen present
+cocking their eyes and ears! The widow tore open the letter, while
+Lowndes calmly fastened up his portmanteau, and all of a sudden, quite
+an incarnation spread its roseate hues over her still elegant features.
+
+Lowndes seized his baggage, and, with a "good evening, madam, good
+evening, gentlemen," was about to leave the institution, when the lady
+arrested him with:
+
+"Stop, if you please, sir; this is General Lowndes, I believe?"
+
+"General Lowndes, madam, at your service," said he, with a dignified
+bow.
+
+According to all accounts, just then, there was a very sudden rising
+about the fire-place, and a twinkling of chairs, as if they had all just
+been _struck_ with the idea that there was a stranger about!
+
+"Keep your seats, gentlemen," said the General; "I don't wish to disturb
+any of you, as I'm about to leave."
+
+"General Lowndes," said the widow, "any friend of Mr. Pinckney is
+welcome to my house. Though we are full, I can make room for _you_,
+sir."
+
+The General stopped, and the widow and he became first-rate friends,
+when they became better acquainted.
+
+
+
+
+Cigar Smoke
+
+
+Few persons can readily conceive of the amount of cigars consumed in
+this country, daily, to say little or nothing of the yearly smokers. The
+growing passion for the noxious weed is truly any thing but pleasantly
+contemplative. A boy commences smoking at ten or a dozen years old, and
+by the time he should be "of age," he is, in various hot-house developed
+faculties, quite advanced in years! And street smoking, too, has
+increased, at a rate, within a year past, that bids fair to make the
+Puritan breezes of our evenings as redolent of "smoke and smell," as
+meets one's nasal organic faculties upon paying a pop visit to New York.
+There is but one idea of useful import that we can advance in favor of
+smoking, to any great extent, in our city: consumption and asthmatic
+disorders generally are more prevalent here than in other and more
+southern climates, and for the protection of the lungs, cigar smoking,
+to a moderate extent, may be useful, as well as pleasurable; but an
+indiscriminate "looseness" in smoking is not only a dead waste of much
+ready money, but injurious to the eyes, teeth, breath, taste, smell, and
+all other senses.
+
+
+
+
+An Everlasting Tall Duel
+
+
+After all the vicissitudes, ups and downs of a soldier's life,
+especially in such a campaign as that in Mexico, there is a great deal
+of music mixed up with the misery, fun with the fuss and feathers, and
+incident enough to last a man the balance of a long lifetime.
+
+While camped at Camargo, the officers and privates of the Ohio volunteer
+regiment were paid off one day, and, of course, all who could get
+_leave_, started to town, to have a time, and get clear of their hard
+earnings.
+
+The Mexicans were some pleased, and greatly illuminated by the
+Americans, that and the succeeding day. Several of the officers invested
+a portion of their funds in mules and mustangs. Among the rest, Lieut.
+Dick Mason and Adjt. Wash. Armstrong set up their private teams. Now, it
+so fell out, that one of Armstrong's men stole Mason's mule, and being
+caught during the day with the stolen property on him, or he on it, the
+high-handed private, (who, barring his propensity to ride in preference
+to walking, was a very clever sort of fellow, and rather popular with
+the Adjutant,) nabbed him as a hawk would a pip-chicken.
+
+"If I catch the fellow who stole my mule," quoth Lieut. Dick, "I'll give
+him a lamming he won't forget soon!"
+
+And, good as his word, when the man was taken, the Lieutenant had him
+whipped severely. This riled up Adjt. Wash., who, in good, round,
+unvarnished terms, volunteered to lick the Lieutenant--out of his
+leathers! From words they came to blows, very expeditiously, and somehow
+or other the Lieutenant came out second best--bad licked! This sort of
+a finale did not set well upon the stomach of the gallant Lieutenant; so
+he ups and writes a challenge to the Adjutant to meet in mortal combat;
+and readily finding a second, the challenge was signed, sealed, and
+delivered to Adjt. Armstrong, Company ----, Ohio volunteers. All these
+preliminaries were carried on in, or very near in, Camargo. The Adjutant
+readily accepted the invitation to step out and be shot at; and, having
+scared up his second, and having no heirs or assigns, goods, chattels,
+or other sublunary matters to adjust, no time was lost in making wills
+or leaving posthumous information. The duel went forward with alacrity,
+but all of a sudden it was discovered by the several interested parties
+that no arms were in the crowd. It would not very well do to go to camp
+and look for duelling weapons; so it was proposed to do the best that
+could be done under the circumstances, and buy such murderous tools as
+could be found at hand, and go into the merits of the case at once. At
+length the Adjutant and friend chanced upon a machine supposed to be a
+pistol, brought over to the Continent, most probably, by Cortez, in the
+year 1--sometime. It was a _scrougin_' thing to hold powder and lead,
+and went off once in three times with the intonation of a four-pounder.
+
+"Hang the difference," says the Adjutant; "it will do."
+
+"Must do," the second replies; and so paying for the tool, and
+swallowing down a fresh invoice of _ardiente_, the fighting men start to
+muster up their opponents, whom they found armed and equipped, upon a
+footing equal to the other side, or pretty near it, the Lieutenant
+having a little _heavier_ piece, with a bore into which a gill measure
+might be thrown.
+
+"But--the difference!" cried seconds and principals.
+
+"Let's fight, not talk," says the Adjutant.
+
+"That's my opinion, gentlemen, exactly," the Lieutenant responds.
+
+"Where shall we go?"
+
+"Anywhere!"
+
+"Better get out into the chaparral," say the cautious seconds; "don't
+want a crowd. Come on!" continue the seconds, very valorously; "let's
+fight!"
+
+"Here's the ground!" cries one, as the parties reach a chaparral, a mile
+or so from town; "here is our ground!"
+
+The principals stared around as if rather uncertain about that, for the
+bushes were so thick and high that precious little _ground_ was visible.
+
+"It ain't worth while, gentlemen, to toss up for positions, is it?" says
+the Adjutant's second.
+
+"No," cry both principals. "Measure off the _ground_, if you can find
+it; let us go to work."
+
+"That's the talk!" says the Adjutant's second.
+
+"Measure off thirty paces," the Lieutenant's second responds.
+
+"No, ten!" cry the principals.
+
+"Twenty paces or no fight!" insists the Adjutant's second. "Twenty
+paces; one, two, three----"
+
+And the seconds trod off as best they could the distance, the pieces
+were loaded, the several bipeds took a drink all around from an ample
+jug of the R. G. they brought for the purpose, and then began the
+memorable duel. The principals were placed in their respective
+positions, to rake down each other; and from a safer point of the
+compass the seconds gave the word.
+
+"Bang-g-g!" went the Adjutant's piece, knocking him down flat as a
+hoe-cake.
+
+"F-f-f-izzy!" and the Lieutenant's piece hung fire.
+
+The seconds flew to their men; a parley took place upon a "question"
+whether the Lieutenant had a _right_ to prime and fire again, or not.
+The Adjutant being set upon his pins; declared himself ready and willing
+to let the Lieutenant blaze away! The point was finally settled by
+loading up the Adjutant's piece, and priming that of the Lieutenant,
+placing the men, and giving the word,
+
+"One, two, three!"
+
+"Wang-g-g-g!"
+
+"Fiz-a-bang-g-g-g!"
+
+The seconds ran, or hobbled forward, each to his man, both being down;
+but whether by concussion, recoil of their fusees, force of the liquor,
+or weakness of the knee-pans, was a hard fact to solve.
+
+"Hurt, Wash.?"
+
+"Not a bit!" cries the Adjutant, getting up.
+
+"Hit, Dick?"
+
+"No, _sir!_" shouts the Lieutenant; "good as new!"
+
+"Set 'em up!"
+
+"Take your places, gentlemen!" cry the seconds.
+
+All ready. Wang! bang! go the pieces, and down ker-_chug_ go both men
+again. The seconds rush forward, raise their men, all safe, load up
+again, take a drink, all right.
+
+"Make ready, take aim, fire!"
+
+"Wang-g-g!"
+
+"Bang-g-g!"
+
+Both down again, the Lieutenant's coat-tail slightly dislocated, and the
+Adjutant dangerously wounded in the leg of his breeches! Both parties
+getting very mad, very tired, and very anxious to try it on at ten
+paces. Seconds object, pieces loaded up again, principals arranged, and,
+
+"One, two, three, fire!"
+
+"Wang-g-g-g!"
+
+"Bang-g-g!"
+
+All down--load up again--take a drink--fire! and down they go again. It
+is very natural to suppose that all this firing attracted somebody's
+attention, and somebody came poking around to see what it was all about;
+and just then, as four or five Mexicans came peeping and peering through
+the chaparral, Dick and Wash. let drive--Bang-g! wang-g! and though it
+seemed impossible to hit one another, the slugs, ricochetting over and
+through the chaparral, knocked down two Mexicans, who yelled sanguinary
+murder, and the rest of their friends took to their heels. The seconds,
+not _quite_ so "tight" as the principals, took warning in time to
+evacuate the field of honor, Lieut. Dick's second taking him one way,
+and Ajt. Wash.'s friend going another, just as a "Corporal's Guard" made
+their appearance to arrest the _rioters_. In spite of the poor Mexicans'
+protestations, or endeavors to make out a true case, they were taken up
+and carried to the Guard-House, for shooting one another, and raising a
+row in general. A night's repose brought the morning's reflection, when
+the previous day's performances were laughed at, if not forgotten. Wash,
+and Dick became good friends, of course, and cemented the bonds of
+fraternity in the bloody work of a day or two afterwards, in storming
+Monterey.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE END.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+  T. B. PETERSON'S LIST OF PUBLICATIONS
+
+
+               WIDDIFIELD'S
+
+              NEW COOK BOOK:
+
+                    OR,
+
+  PRACTICAL RECEIPTS FOR THE HOUSEWIFE.
+
+                    BY
+
+             HANNAH WIDDIFIELD,
+
+  _Celebrated for many Years for the superiority of every article
+     she made, in South Ninth Street, above Spruce, Philadelphia._
+
+Complete in one large duodecimo volume, strongly bound. Price One
+Dollar.
+
+There is not a lady living, but should possess themselves of a copy of
+this work at once. It will give you all better meals and make your cost
+of living less, and keep your husbands, sons, and brothers in an
+excellent humor. It is recommended by thousands, and is the _best_ and
+only complete Book on all kinds of Cookery extant. It is written so that
+all can understand it. It is taking the place of all other Cook Books,
+for a person possessing "WIDDIFIELD'S NEW COOK BOOK" needs no other, as
+a copy of this is worth all the other books, called Cook Books, in the
+World.
+
+_Read what the Editor of the Dollar Newspaper says about it._
+
+"The authoress of this work long enjoyed great celebrity with the best
+families in Philadelphia as the most thoroughly informed lady in her
+profession in this country. Her Establishment, on Ninth above Spruce
+street, has long enjoyed the patronage of the best livers in our city.
+The receipts cover almost every variety of cake or dish, and every
+species of cooking. One great advantage which this book enjoys over
+almost every other is the simplicity with which the ingredients are set
+forth, and the comparatively moderate cost at which particular receipts
+may be got up. In most cook books the directions cover so large a cost,
+that to common livers the directions had almost as well not be given.
+This objection has been measurably removed in this new volume. Another
+important matter is, no receipts are contained in it but those fully
+tested, not only by the author, but by cooks and housekeepers most
+competent to judge. The volume opens with directions for soup, for fish,
+oysters, meat, poultry, etc. In addition to all this, much attention has
+been given to directions for the preparation of dishes for the sick and
+convalescent. Mr. Peterson has issued the volume in handsome style,
+wisely, as we think, using large type and good paper. The book is sold
+at, or will be sent to any part of the Union, free of postage, on
+receipt of One Dollar."
+
+_Read what the Editor of the Saturday Evening Post says of it._
+
+"A number of good books on this subject have been published lately, but
+this is unquestionably the best that we have ever seen Its superiority
+is in the clearness, and brevity, and the practical directness of the
+receipts; they are easily understood and followed. The book looks like
+what it is, the ripe fruit of many years' successful practice. The
+establishment of Mrs. Widdifield has for many years held the first rank
+in Philadelphia for the unvarying excellence of every article there
+made; and now she crowns her well deserved celebrity by giving to the
+world _the best book that has been written on the subject of cookery_.
+The clear type in which the publisher presents it is no slight addition
+to its value."
+
+_Read what the Editor of the Public Ledger says of it._
+
+"A Valuable Work.--Next to having something to eat is having it cooked
+in a style fit to be eaten. Every housekeeper does not understand this
+art, and, probably, only for want of a little elementary teaching. This
+want is easily supplied, for T. B. Peterson has just published Mrs.
+Widdifield's New Cook Book, in which the experience of that celebrated
+person in this line is given so clearly and with such precise details,
+that any housekeeper of sufficient capacity to undertake the management
+of household affairs, can make herself an accomplished caterer for the
+table without serving an apprenticeship to the business. The book is
+published in one volume, the typography good, and paper excellent, with
+as much real useful information in the volume as would be worth a dozen
+times its price. Get it at once."
+
+_Read what the Editors' wives think of it._
+
+"It is unquestionably the _best_ Cook Book we have ever
+seen."--_Saturday Evening Post._
+
+"It is _the best_ of the many works on Cookery which have appeared. The
+receipts are all plain and practical, and have never before appeared in
+print."--_Germantown Telegraph._
+
+"It is the _best_ Cook Book out. Every housewife or lady should get a
+copy at once."--_Berks Co. Press._
+
+"We have no hesitation in pronouncing it the best work on the subject of
+Cookery extant."--_Ladies' National Magazine._
+
+"It is the _very best_ book on Cookery and Receipts published."--_Dollar
+Newspaper._
+
+"It is the _very best family Cook Book in existence_, and we cordially
+recommend it as such to our readers."--_Evening Bulletin._
+
+"It is _the best Cook Book_ we have ever seen."--_Washington Union._
+
+" Copies of the above celebrated Cook Book will be sent to any one to
+any place, _free of postage_, on remitting One Dollar to the Publisher,
+in a letter. Published and for sale at the Cheap Bookselling and
+Publishing House of
+
+               T. B. PETERSON,
+
+   No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.
+  _To whom all orders must come addressed._
+
+
+     BOOKS SENT EVERYWHERE FREE OF POSTAGE.
+
+
+  BOOKS FOR EVERYBODY AT GREATLY REDUCED RATES.
+
+            PUBLISHED AND FOR SALE BY
+
+                 T. B. PETERSON,
+
+        No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philad'a.
+
+     IN THIS CATALOGUE WILL BE FOUND THE LATEST
+       AND BEST WORKS BY THE MOST POPULAR AND
+          CELEBRATED WRITERS IN THE WORLD.
+
+              AMONG WHICH WILL BE FOUND
+
+  CHARLES DICKENS'S, MRS. CAROLINE LEE HENTZ'S, SIR E. L. BULWER'S,
+    G. P. R. JAMES'S, ELLEN PICKERING'S, CAPTAIN MARRYATT'S, MRS. GREY'S,
+    T. S. ARTHUR'S, CHARLES LEVER'S, ALEXANDRE DUMAS', W. HARRISON
+    AINSWORTH'S, D'ISRAELI'S, THACKERAY'S, SAMUEL WARREN'S, EMERSON
+    BENNETT'S, GEORGE LIPPARD'S, REYNOLDS', C. J. PETERSON'S, PETERSON'S
+    HUMOROUS AMERICAN WORKS, HENRY COCKTON'S, EUGENE SUE'S, GEORGE SANDS',
+    CURRER BELL'S, AND ALL THE OTHER BEST AUTHORS IN THE WORLD.
+
+  "The best way is to look through the Catalogue, and see what
+  books are in it. You will all be amply repaid for your trouble.
+
+SPECIAL NOTICE TO EVERYBODY.--Any person whatever in this country,
+wishing any of the works in this Catalogue, on remitting the price of
+the ones they wish, in a letter, directed to T. B. Peterson, No. 102
+Chestnut Street, Philadelphia, shall have them sent by return of mail,
+to any place in the United States, _free of postage_. This is a splendid
+offer, as any one can get books to the most remote place in the country,
+for the regular price sold in the large cities, _free of postage_, on
+sending for them.
+
+" All orders thankfully received and filled with despatch, and sent by
+return of mail, or express, or stage, or in any other way the person
+ordering may direct. Booksellers, News Agents, Pedlars, and all others
+supplied with any works published in the world, at the lowest rates.
+
+" Any Book published, or advertised by any one, can be had here.
+
+" Agents, Pedlars, Canvassers, Booksellers, News Agents, &c., throughout
+the country, who wish to make money on a small capital, would do well to
+address the undersigned, who will furnish a complete outfit for a
+comparatively small amount. Send by all means, for whatever books you
+may wish, to the Publishing and Bookselling Establishment of
+
+T. B. PETERSON, No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.
+
+
+                        T. B. PETERSON,
+
+            No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia,
+
+               HAS JUST PUBLISHED AND FOR SALE,
+
+          STEREOTYPE EDITIONS OF THE FOLLOWING WORKS,
+
+    Which will be found to be the Best and Latest Publications,
+      by the Most Popular and Celebrated Writers in the World.
+
+  Every work published for Sale here, either at Wholesale or Retail.
+
+  All Books in this Catalogue will be sent to any one to any place,
+       per mail, _free of postage_, on receipt of the price.
+
+
+MRS. SOUTHWORTH'S Celebrated WORKS.
+
+With a beautiful Illustration in each volume.
+
+INDIA. THE PEARL OF PEARL RIVER. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. This
+is her new work, and is equal to any of her previous ones. Complete in
+two large volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one
+volume, cloth, for $1,25.
+
+THE MISSING BRIDE; OR, MIRIAM THE AVENGER. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N.
+Southworth. Complete in two volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or
+bound in one volume, cloth, for $1,25.
+
+THE LOST HEIRESS. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Being a Splendid
+Picture of American Life. It is a work of powerful interest. It is
+embellished with a beautiful Portrait and Autograph of the author.
+Complete in two vols., paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one
+volume, cloth, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+THE WIFE'S VICTORY; AND NINE OTHER NOUVELLETTES. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N.
+Southworth. Complete in two volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or
+bound in one volume, cloth, for $1,25.
+
+THE CURSE OF CLIFTON. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Complete in two
+volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one volume, cloth,
+gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+THE DISCARDED DAUGHTER. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Complete in
+two volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in cloth, gilt, for
+One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+THE DESERTED WIFE. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Complete in two
+volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one volume, cloth,
+gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+THE INITIALS. A LOVE STORY OF MODERN LIFE. By a daughter of the
+celebrated Lord Erskine, formerly Lord High Chancellor of England. This
+is a celebrated and world-renowned work. It is one of the best works
+ever published in the English language, and will be read for generations
+to come, and rank by the side of Sir Walter Scott's celebrated novels.
+Complete in two volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one
+volume, cloth, gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents a copy.
+
+
+CHARLES DICKENS' WORKS.
+
+The best and most popular in the world. Ten different editions. No
+Library can be complete without a Sett of these Works. Reprinted from
+the Author's last Editions.
+
+"PETERSON'S" is the only complete and uniform edition of Charles
+Dickens' works published in America; they are reprinted from the
+original London editions, and are now the only edition published in this
+country. No library, either public or private, can be complete without
+having in it a complete sett of the works of this, the greatest of all
+living authors. Every family should possess a sett of one of the
+editions. The cheap edition is complete in Twelve Volumes, paper cover;
+either or all of which can be had separately. Price Fifty cents each.
+The following are their names.
+
+  DAVID COPPERFIELD,
+  NICHOLAS NICKLEBY,
+  PICKWICK PAPERS,
+  DOMBEY AND SON,
+  MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT,
+  BARNABY RUDGE,
+  OLD CURIOSITY SHOP,
+  SKETCHES BY "BOZ,"
+  OLIVER TWIST
+  BLEAK HOUSE
+
+DICKENS' NEW STORIES. Containing The Seven Poor Travellers. Nine New
+Stories by the Christmas Fire. Hard Times. Lizzie Leigh. The Miner's
+Daughters, etc.
+
+CHRISTMAS STORIES. Containing--A Christmas Carol. The Chimes. Cricket on
+the Hearth. Battle of Life. Haunted Man, and Pictures from Italy.
+
+A complete sett of the above edition, twelve volumes in all, will be
+sent to any one to any place, _free of postage_, for Five Dollars.
+
+COMPLETE LIBRARY EDITION.
+
+In FIVE large octavo volumes, with a Portrait, on Steel, of Charles
+Dickens, containing over Four Thousand very large pages, handsomely
+printed, and bound in various styles.
+
+Volume 1 contains Pickwick Papers and Curiosity Shop.
+
+   "   2    do.   Oliver Twist, Sketches by "Boz," and Barnaby Rudge.
+
+   "   3    do.   Nicholas Nickleby and Martin Chuzzlewit.
+
+   "   4    do.   David Copperfield, Dombey and Son, Christmas Stories,
+                    and Pictures from Italy.
+
+   "   5    do.   Bleak House, and Dickens' New Stories. Containing The
+                    Seven Poor Travellers. Nine New Stories
+                    by the Christmas Fire. Hard Times. Lizzie
+                    Leigh. The Miner's Daughters, and Fortune
+                    Wildred, etc.
+
+Price of a complete sett. Bound in Black cloth, full gilt back,  $7.50
+
+    "        "              "      scarlet cloth, extra,          8 50
+
+    "        "              "      library sheep,                 9 00
+
+    "        "              "      half turkey morocco,          11 00
+
+    "        "              "      half calf, antique,           15 00
+
+          " _Illustrated Edition is described on next page._ "
+
+
+ILLUSTRATED EDITION OF DICKENS' WORKS.
+
+This edition is printed on very thick and fine white paper, and is
+profusely illustrated, with all the original illustrations by
+Cruikshank, Alfred Crowquill, Phiz, etc., from the original London
+edition, on copper, steel, and wood. Each volume contains a novel
+complete, and may be had in complete setts, beautifully bound in cloth,
+for Eighteen Dollars for the sett in twelve volumes, or any volume will
+be sold separately, as follows:
+
+  BLEAK HOUSE,            _Price_, $1 50
+  PICKWICK PAPERS,                  1 50
+  OLD CURIOSITY SHOP,               1 50
+  OLIVER TWIST,                     1 50
+  SKETCHES BY "BOZ,"                1 50
+  BARNABY RUDGE,                    1 50
+  NICHOLAS NICKLEBY,                1 50
+  MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT,                1 50
+  DAVID COPPERFIELD,                1 50
+  DOMBEY AND SON,                   1 50
+  CHRISTMAS STORIES,                1 50
+  DICKENS' NEW STORIES,             1 50
+
+Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated Edition, in twelve vols., in
+black cloth, gilt back, $18,00
+
+Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated Edition, in twelve vols., in
+full law library sheep, $24,00
+
+Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated edition, in twelve vols., in
+half turkey Morocco, $27,00
+
+Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated Edition, in twelve vols., in
+half calf, antique, $36,00
+
+_All subsequent work by Charles Dickens will be issued in uniform style
+with all the previous ten different editions._
+
+
+CAPTAIN MARRYATT'S WORKS.
+
+Either of which can be had separately. Price of all except the four last
+is 25 cents each. They are printed on the finest white paper, and each
+forms one large octavo volume, complete in itself.
+
+  PETER SIMPLE.
+  JACOB FAITHFUL.
+  THE PHANTOM SHIP.
+  MIDSHIPMAN EASY.
+  KING'S OWN.
+  NEWTON FORSTER.
+  JAPHET IN SEARCH OF A FATHER.
+  PACHA OF MANY TALES.
+  NAVAL OFFICER.
+  PIRATE AND THREE CUTTERS.
+  SNARLEYYOW; or, the Dog-Fiend.
+  PERCIVAL KEENE. Price 50 cts.
+  POOR JACK. Price 50 cents.
+  SEA KING. 200 pages. Price 50 cents.
+  VALERIE. His last Novel. Price 50 cents.
+
+
+ELLEN PICKERING'S NOVELS.
+
+Either of which can be had separately. Price 25 cents each. They are
+printed on the finest white paper, and each forms one large octavo
+volume, complete in itself, neatly bound in a strong paper cover.
+
+  THE ORPHAN NIECE.
+  KATE WALSINGHAM.
+  THE POOR COUSIN.
+  ELLEN WAREHAM.
+  THE QUIET HUSBAND.
+  WHO SHALL BE HEIR?
+  THE SECRET FOE.
+  AGNES SERLE.
+  THE HEIRESS.
+  PRINCE AND PEDLER.
+  MERCHANT'S DAUGHTER.
+  THE FRIGHT.
+  NAN DARRELL.
+  THE SQUIRE.
+  THE EXPECTANT.
+  THE GRUMBLER. 50 cts.
+
+
+MRS. CAROLINE LEE HENTZ'S WORKS.
+
+COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE; OR, THE JOYS AND SORROWS OF AMERICAN LIFE. With
+a Portrait of the Author. Complete in two large volumes, paper cover,
+price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, for One Dollar and
+Twenty-five cents.
+
+THE PLANTER'S NORTHERN BRIDE. With illustrations. Complete in two large
+volumes, paper cover, 600 pages, price One Dollar, or bound in one
+volume, cloth gilt, One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+LINDA; OR, THE YOUNG PILOT OF THE BELLE CREOLE. Complete in two volumes,
+paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, for
+One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+ROBERT GRAHAM. The Sequel to, and continuation of Linda. Being the last
+book but one that Mrs. Hentz wrote prior to her death. Complete in two
+large volumes, paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume,
+for cloth gilt, One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+RENA; OR, THE SNOW BIRD. A Tale of Real Life. Complete in two volumes,
+paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, for
+One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+MARCUS WARLAND; OR, THE LONG MOSS SPRING. A Tale of the South. Complete
+in two volumes, paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume,
+cloth gilt, One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+LOVE AFTER MARRIAGE; and other Stories. Complete in two volumes, paper
+cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, for One
+Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+EOLINE; OR, MAGNOLIA VALE. Complete in two volumes, paper cover, price
+One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, $1 25.
+
+THE BANISHED SON; and other Stories. Complete in two volumes, paper
+cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, $1 25.
+
+HELEN AND ARTHUR. Complete in two volumes, paper cover, price One
+Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, $1 25.
+
+AUNT PATTY'S SCRAP BAG, together with large additions to it, written by
+Mrs. Hentz, prior to her death, and never before published in any other
+edition of this or any other work than this. Complete in two volumes,
+paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, for
+One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+
+T. S. ARTHUR'S WORKS.
+
+Either of which can be had separately. Price 25 cents each. They are the
+most moral, popular and entertaining in the world. There are no better
+books to place in the hands of the young. All will profit by them.
+
+  YEAR AFTER MARRIAGE.
+  THE DIVORCED WIFE.
+  THE BANKER'S WIFE.
+  PRIDE AND PRUDENCE.
+  CECILIA HOWARD.
+  MARY MORETON.
+  LOVE IN A COTTAGE.
+  LOVE IN HIGH LIFE.
+  THE TWO MERCHANTS.
+  LADY AT HOME.
+  TRIAL AND TRIUMPH.
+  THE ORPHAN CHILDREN.
+  THE DEBTOR'S DAUGHTER.
+  INSUBORDINATION.
+  LUCY SANDFORD.
+  AGNES, or the Possessed.
+  THE TWO BRIDES.
+  THE IRON RULE.
+  THE OLD ASTROLOGER.
+  THE SEAMSTRESS.
+
+
+CHARLES LEVER'S NOVELS.
+
+CHARLES O'MALLEY, the Irish Dragoon. By Charles Lever. Complete in one
+large octavo volume of 324 pages. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on
+finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.
+
+THE KNIGHT OF GWYNNE. A tale of the time of the Union. By Charles Lever.
+Complete in one fine octavo volume. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on
+finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.
+
+JACK HINTON, the Guardsman. By Charles Lever. Complete in one large
+octavo volume of 400 pages. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on finer
+paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.
+
+TOM BURKE OF OURS. By Charles Lever. Complete in one large octavo volume
+of 300 pages. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on finer paper, bound in
+cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.
+
+ARTHUR O LEARY. By Charles Lever. Complete in one large octavo volume.
+Price Fifty cents; or an edition on finer paper, bound in cloth,
+illustrated. Price One Dollar.
+
+KATE O'DONOGHUE. A Tale of Ireland. By Charles Lever. Complete in one
+large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on finer paper,
+bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.
+
+HORACE TEMPLETON. By Charles Lever. This is Lever's New Book. Complete
+in one large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on finer
+paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.
+
+HARRY LORREQUER. By Charles Lever, author of the above seven works.
+Complete in one octavo volume of 402 pages. Price Fifty cents; or an
+edition on finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.
+
+VALENTINE VOX.--LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF VALENTINE VOX, the Ventriloquist.
+By Henry Cockton. One of the most humorous books ever published. Price
+Fifty cents; or an edition on finer paper, bound in cloth. Price One
+Dollar.
+
+PERCY EFFINGHAM. By Henry Cockton, author of "Valentine Vox, the
+Ventriloquist." One large octavo volume. Price 50 cents.
+
+TEN THOUSAND A YEAR. By Samuel C. Warren. With Portraits of Snap, Quirk,
+Gammon, and Tittlebat Titmouse, Esq. Two large octavo vols., of 547
+pages. Price One Dollar; or an edition on finer paper, bound in cloth,
+$1,50.
+
+
+CHARLES J. PETERSON'S WORKS.
+
+KATE AYLESFORD. A story of the Refugees. One of the most popular books
+ever printed. Complete in two large volumes, paper cover. Price One
+Dollar; or bound in one volume, cloth, gilt. Price $1 25.
+
+CRUISING IN THE LAST WAR. A Naval Story of the War of 1812. First and
+Second Series. Being the complete work, unabridged. By Charles J.
+Peterson. 228 octavo pages. Price 50 cents.
+
+GRACE DUDLEY; OR, ARNOLD AT SARATOGA. By Charles J. Peterson.
+Illustrated. Price 25 cents.
+
+THE VALLEY FARM; OR, the AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF AN ORPHAN. A companion to Jane
+Eyre. Price 25 cents.
+
+
+EUGENE SUE'S NOVELS.
+
+THE MYSTERIES OF PARIS; AND GEROLSTEIN, the Sequel to it. By Eugene Sue,
+author of the "Wandering Jew," and the greatest work ever written. With
+illustrations. Complete in two large volumes, octavo. Price One Dollar.
+
+THE ILLUSTRATED WANDERING JEW. By Eugene Sue. With 87 large
+illustrations. Two large octavo volumes. Price One Dollar.
+
+THE FEMALE BLUEBEARD; or, the Woman with many Husbands. By Eugene Sue.
+Price Twenty-five cents.
+
+FIRST LOVE. A Story of the Heart. By Eugene Sue. Price Twenty-five
+cents.
+
+WOMAN'S LOVE. A Novel. By Eugene Sue. Illustrated. Price Twenty-five
+cents.
+
+MAN-OF-WAR'S-MAN. A Tale of the Sea. By Eugene Sue. Price Twenty-five
+cents.
+
+RAOUL DE SURVILLE; or, the Times of Napoleon Bonaparte in 1810. Price
+Twenty-five cents.
+
+
+SIR E. L. BULWER'S NOVELS.
+
+FALKLAND. A Novel. By Sir E. L. Bulwer, author of "The Roue,"
+"Oxonians," etc. One volume, octavo. Price 25 cents.
+
+THE ROUE; OR THE HAZARDS OF WOMEN. Price 25 cents.
+
+THE OXONIANS. A Sequel to the Roue. Price 25 cents.
+
+CALDERON THE COURTIER. By Bulwer. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+
+MRS. GREY'S NOVELS.
+
+Either of which can be had separately. Price 25 cents each. They are
+printed on the finest white paper, and each forms one large octavo
+volume, complete in itself, neatly bound in a strong paper cover.
+
+  DUKE AND THE COUSIN.
+  GIPSY'S DAUGHTER.
+  BELLE OF THE FAMILY.
+  SYBIL LENNARD.
+  THE LITTLE WIFE.
+  MAN[OE]UVRING MOTHER.
+  LENA CAMERON: or, the Four Sisters.
+  THE BARONET'S DAUGHTERS.
+  THE YOUNG PRIMA DONNA.
+  THE OLD DOWER HOUSE.
+  HYACINTHE.
+  ALICE SEYMOUR.
+  HARRY MONK.
+  MARY SEAHAM. 250 pages. Price 50 cents.
+  PASSION AND PRINCIPLE. 200 pages. Price 50 cents.
+
+
+GEORGE W. M. REYNOLD'S WORKS.
+
+THE NECROMANCER. A Romance of the times of Henry the Eighth, By G. W. M.
+Reynolds. One large volume. Price 75 cents.
+
+THE PARRICIDE; OR, THE YOUTH'S CAREER IN CRIME. By G. W. M. Reynolds.
+Full of beautiful illustrations. Price 50 cents.
+
+LIFE IN PARIS: OR, THE ADVENTURES OF ALFRED DE ROSANN IN THE METROPOLIS
+OF FRANCE. By G. W. M. Reynolds. Full of Engravings. Price 50 cents.
+
+
+AINSWORTH'S WORKS.
+
+JACK SHEPPARD.--PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF JACK SHEPPARD, the most
+noted burglar, robber, and jail breaker, that ever lived. Embellished
+with Thirty-nine, full page, spirited Illustrations, designed and
+engraved in the finest style of art, by George Cruikshank, Esq., of
+London. Price Fifty cents.
+
+ILLUSTRATED TOWER OF LONDON. With 100 splendid engravings. This is
+beyond all doubt one of the most interesting works ever published in the
+known world, and can be read and re-read with pleasure and satisfaction
+by everybody. We advise all persons to get it and read it. Two volumes,
+octavo. Price One Dollar.
+
+PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF GUY FAWKES, The Chief of the Gunpowder
+Treason. The Bloody Tower, etc. Illustrated. By William Harrison
+Ainsworth. 200 pages. Price Fifty cents.
+
+THE STAR CHAMBER. An Historical Romance. By W. Harrison Ainsworth. With
+17 large full page illustrations. Price 50 cents.
+
+THE PICTORIAL OLD ST. PAUL'S. By William Harrison Ainsworth. Full of
+Illustrations. Price Fifty cents.
+
+MYSTERIES OF THE COURT OF QUEEN ANNE. By William Harrison Ainsworth.
+Price Fifty cents.
+
+MYSTERIES OF THE COURT OF THE STUARTS. By Ainsworth. Being one of the
+most interesting Historical Romances ever written. One large volume.
+Price Fifty cents.
+
+DICK TURPIN.--ILLUSTRATED LIFE OF DICK TURPIN, the Highwayman, Burglar,
+Murderer, etc. Price Twenty-five cents.
+
+HENRY THOMAS.--LIFE OF HARRY THOMAS, the Western Burglar and Murderer.
+Full of Engravings. Price Twenty-five cents.
+
+DESPERADOES.--ILLUSTRATED LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF THE DESPERADOES OF THE
+NEW WORLD. Full of engravings. Price Twenty-five cents.
+
+NINON DE L'ENCLOS.--LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF NINON DE L'ENCLOS, with her
+Letters on Love, Courtship and Marriage. Illustrated. Price Twenty-five
+cents.
+
+THE PICTORIAL NEWGATE CALENDAR; or the Chronicles of Crime. Beautifully
+illustrated with Fifteen Engravings. Price Fifty cents.
+
+PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF DAVY CROCKETT. Written by himself.
+Beautifully illustrated. Price Fifty cents.
+
+LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF ARTHUR SPRING, the murderer of Mrs. Ellen Lynch
+and Mrs. Honora Shaw, with a complete history of his life and misdeeds,
+from the time of his birth until he was hung. Illustrated with
+portraits. Price Twenty-five cents.
+
+JACK ADAMS.--PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF JACK ADAMS; the celebrated
+Sailor and Mutineer. By Captain Chamier, author of "The Spitfire." Full
+of illustrations. Price Fifty cents.
+
+GRACE O'MALLEY.--PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF GRACE O'MALLEY. By
+William H. Maxwell, author of "Wild Sports in the West." Price Fifty
+cents.
+
+THE PIRATE'S SON. A Sea Novel of great interest. Full of beautiful
+illustrations. Price Twenty-five cents.
+
+
+ALEXANDER DUMAS' WORKS.
+
+THE IRON MASK, OR THE FEATS AND ADVENTURES OF RAOULE DE BRAGELONNE.
+Being the conclusion of "The Three Guardsmen," "Twenty Years After," and
+"Bragelonne." By Alexandre Dumas. Complete in two large volumes, of 420
+octavo pages, with beautifully Illustrated Covers, Portraits, and
+Engravings. Price One Dollar.
+
+LOUISE LA VALLIERE; OR THE SECOND SERIES AND FINAL END OF THE IRON MASK.
+By Alexandre Dumas. This work is the final end of "The Three Guardsmen,"
+"Twenty Years After," "Bragelonne," and "The Iron Mask," and is of far
+more interesting and absorbing interest, than any of its predecessors.
+Complete in two large octavo volumes of over 400 pages, printed on the
+best of paper, beautifully illustrated. It also contains correct
+Portraits of "Louise La Valliere," and "The Hero of the Iron Mask."
+Price One Dollar.
+
+THE MEMOIRS OF A PHYSICIAN; OR THE SECRET HISTORY OF LOUIS THE
+FIFTEENTH. By Alexandre Dumas. It is beautifully embellished with thirty
+engravings, which illustrate the principal scenes and characters of the
+different heroines throughout the work. Complete in two large octavo
+volumes. Price One Dollar.
+
+THE QUEEN'S NECKLACE: OR THE SECRET HISTORY OF THE COURT OF LOUIS THE
+SIXTEENTH. A Sequel to the Memoirs of a Physician. By Alexandre Dumas.
+It is beautifully illustrated with portraits of the heroines of the
+work. Complete in two large octavo volumes of over 400 pages. Price One
+Dollar.
+
+SIX YEARS LATER; OR THE TAKING OF THE BASTILE. By Alexandre Dumas. Being
+the continuation of "The Queen's Necklace; or the Secret History of the
+Court of Louis the Sixteenth," and "Memoirs of a Physician." Complete in
+one large octavo volume. Price Seventy-five cents.
+
+COUNTESS DE CHARNY; OR THE FALL OF THE FRENCH MONARCHY. By Alexandre
+Dumas. This work is the final conclusion of the "Memoirs of a
+Physician," "The Queen's Necklace," and "Six Years Later, or Taking of
+the Bastile." All persons who have not read Dumas in this, his greatest
+and most instructive production, should begin at once, and no pleasure
+will be found so agreeable, and nothing in novel form so useful and
+absorbing. Complete in two volumes, beautifully illustrated. Price One
+Dollar.
+
+DIANA OF MERIDOR; THE LADY OF MONSOREAU; or France in the Sixteenth
+Century. By Alexandre Dumas. An Historical Romance. Complete in two
+large octavo volumes of 538 pages, with numerous illustrative
+engravings. Price One Dollar.
+
+ISABEL OF BAVARIA; or the Chronicles of France for the reign of Charles
+the Sixth. Complete in one fine octavo volume of 211 pages, printed on
+the finest white paper. Price Fifty cents.
+
+EDMOND DANTES. Being the sequel to Dumas' celebrated novel of the Count
+of Monte Cristo. With elegant illustrations. Complete in one large
+octavo volume of over 200 pages. Price Fifty cents.
+
+THE CORSICAN BROTHERS. This work has already been dramatized, and is now
+played in all the theatres of Europe and in this country, and it is
+exciting an extraordinary interest. Price Twenty-five cents.
+
+SKETCHES IN FRANCE. By Alexandre Dumas. It is as good a book as
+Thackeray's Sketches in Ireland. Dumas never wrote a better book. It is
+the most delightful book of the season. Price Fifty cents.
+
+GENEVIEVE, OR THE CHEVALIER OF THE MAISON ROUGE. By Alexandre Dumas. An
+Historical Romance of the French Revolution. Complete in one large
+octavo volume of over 200 pages, with numerous illustrative engravings.
+Price Fifty cents.
+
+
+GEORGE LIPPARD'S WORKS.
+
+WASHINGTON AND HIS GENERALS; or, Legends of the American Revolution.
+Complete in two large octavo volumes of 538 pages, printed on the finest
+white paper. Price One Dollar.
+
+THE QUAKER CITY; or, the Monks of Monk Hall. A Romance of Philadelphia
+Life, Mystery and Crime. Illustrated with numerous Engravings. Complete
+in two large octavo volumes of 500 pages. Price One Dollar.
+
+THE LADYE OF ALBARONE; or, the Poison Goblet. A Romance of the Dark
+Ages. Lippard's Last Work, and never before published. Complete in one
+large octavo volume. Price Seventy-five cents.
+
+PAUL ARDENHEIM; the Monk of Wissahickon. A Romance of the Revolution.
+Illustrated with numerous engravings. Complete in, two large octavo
+volumes, of nearly 600 pages. Price One Dollar.
+
+BLANCHE OF BRANDYWINE; or, September the Eleventh, 1777. A Romance of
+the Poetry, Legends, and History of the Battle of Brandywine. It makes a
+large octavo volume of 350 pages, printed on the finest white paper.
+Price Seventy-five cents.
+
+LEGENDS OF MEXICO; or, Battles of General Zachary Taylor, late President
+of the United States. Complete in one octavo volume of 128 pages. Price
+Twenty-five cents.
+
+THE NAZARENE; or, the Last of the Washingtons. A Revelation of
+Philadelphia, New York, and Washington, in the year 1844. Complete in
+one volume. Price Fifty cents.
+
+
+B. D'ISRAELI'S NOVELS.
+
+VIVIAN GREY. By B. D'Israeli, M. P. Complete in one large octavo volume
+of 225 pages. Price Fifty cents.
+
+THE YOUNG DUKE; or the younger days of George the Fourth. By B.
+D'Israeli, M. P. One octavo volume. Price Thirty-eight cents.
+
+VENETIA; or, Lord Byron and his Daughter. By B. D'Israeli, M. P.
+Complete in one large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents.
+
+HENRIETTA TEMPLE. A Love Story. By B. D'Israeli, M. P. Complete in one
+large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents.
+
+CONTARINA FLEMING. An Autobiography. By B. D'Israeli, M. P. One volume,
+octavo. Price Thirty-eight cents.
+
+MIRIAM ALROY. A Romance of the Twelfth Century. By B. D'Israeli, M. P.
+One volume octavo. Price Thirty-eight cents.
+
+
+EMERSON BENNETT'S WORKS.
+
+CLARA MORELAND. This is a powerfully written romance. The characters are
+boldly drawn, the plot striking, the incidents replete with thrilling
+interest, and the language and descriptions natural and graphic, as are
+all of Mr. Bennett's Works. 330 pages. Price 50 cents in paper cover, or
+One Dollar in cloth, gilt.
+
+VIOLA; OR, ADVENTURES IN THE FAR SOUTH-WEST. Complete in one large
+volume. Price 50 cents in paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt.
+
+THE FORGED WILL. Complete in one large volume, of over 300 pages, paper
+cover, price 50 cents; or bound in cloth, gilt, price $1 00.
+
+KATE CLARENDON; OR, NECROMANCY IN THE WILDERNESS. Price 50 cents in
+paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt.
+
+BRIDE OF THE WILDERNESS. Complete in one large volume. Price 50 cents in
+paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt.
+
+THE PIONEER'S DAUGHTER; and THE UNKNOWN COUNTESS. By Emerson Bennett.
+Price 50 cents.
+
+HEIRESS OF BELLEFONTE: and WALDE-WARREN. A Tale of Circumstantial
+Evidence. By Emerson Bennett. Price 50 cents.
+
+ELLEN NORBURY; OR, THE ADVENTURES OF AN ORPHAN. Complete in one large
+volume, price 50 cents in paper cover, or in cloth gilt, $1 00.
+
+
+MISS LESLIE'S NEW COOK BOOK.
+
+MISS LESLIE'S NEW RECEIPTS FOR COOKING. Comprising new and approved
+methods of preparing all kinds of soups, fish, oysters, terrapins,
+turtle, vegetables, meats, poultry, game, sauces, pickles, sweet meats,
+cakes, pies, puddings, confectionery, rice, Indian meal preparations of
+all kinds, domestic liquors, perfumery, remedies, laundry-work,
+needle-work, letters, additional receipts, etc. Also, list of articles
+suited to go together for breakfasts, dinners, and suppers, and much
+useful information and many miscellaneous subjects connected with
+general house-wifery. It is an elegantly printed duodecimo volume of 520
+pages; and in it there will be found _One Thousand and Eleven new
+Receipts_--all useful--some ornamental--and all invaluable to every
+lady, miss, or family in the world. This work has had a very extensive
+sale, and many thousand copies have been sold, and the demand is
+increasing yearly, being the most complete work of the kind published in
+the world, and also the latest and best, as, in addition to Cookery, its
+receipts for making cakes and confectionery are unequalled by any other
+work extant. New edition, enlarged and improved, and handsomely bound.
+Price One Dollar a copy only. This is the only new Cook Book by Miss
+Leslie.
+
+
+GEORGE SANDS' WORKS.
+
+FIRST AND TRUE LOVE. A True Love Story. By George Sand, author of
+"Consuelo," "Indiana," etc. It is one of the most charming and
+interesting works ever published. Illustrated. Price 50 cents.
+
+INDIANA. By George Sand, author of "First and True Love," etc. A very
+bewitching and interesting work. Price 50 cents.
+
+THE CORSAIR. A Venetian Tale. Price 25 cents.
+
+
+HUMOROUS AMERICAN WORKS.
+
+WITH ORIGINAL ILLUSTRATIONS BY DARLEY AND OTHERS, AND BEAUTIFULLY
+ILLUMINATED COVERS.
+
+We have just published new and beautiful editions of the following
+HUMOROUS AMERICAN WORKS. They are published in the best possible style,
+full of original Illustrations, by Darley, descriptive of all the best
+scenes in each work, with Illuminated Covers, with new and beautiful
+designs on each, and are printed on the finest and best of white paper.
+There are no works to compare with them in point of wit and humor, in
+the whole world. The price of each work is Fifty cents only.
+
+THE FOLLOWING ARE THE NAMES OF THE WORKS.
+
+MAJOR JONES' COURTSHIP: detailed, with other Scenes, Incidents, and
+Adventures, in a Series of Letters, by himself. With Thirteen
+Illustrations from designs by Darley. Price Fifty cents.
+
+DRAMA IN POKERVILLE: the Bench and Bar of Jurytown, and other Stories.
+By "Everpoint," (J. M. Field, of the St. Louis Reveille.) With
+Illustrations from designs by Darley. Fifty cents.
+
+CHARCOAL SKETCHES, or, Scenes in the Metropolis. By Joseph C. Neal,
+author of "Peter Ploddy," "Misfortunes of Peter Faber," etc. With
+Illustrations. Price Fifty cents.
+
+YANKEE AMONGST THE MERMAIDS, and other Waggeries and Vagaries. By W. E.
+Burton, Comedian. With Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents.
+
+MISFORTUNES OF PETER FABER, and other Sketches. By the author of
+"Charcoal Sketches." With Illustrations by Darley and others. Price
+Fifty cents.
+
+MAJOR JONES' SKETCHES OF TRAVEL, comprising the Scenes, Incidents, and
+Adventures in his Tour from Georgia to Canada. With Eight Illustrations
+from Designs by Darley. Price Fifty cents.
+
+STREAKS OF SQUATTER LIFE, and Far West Scenes. A Series of humorous
+Sketches, descriptive of Incidents and Character in the Wild West. By
+the author of "Major Jones' Courtship," "Swallowing Oysters Alive," etc.
+With Illustrations from designs by Darley, Price Fifty cents.
+
+QUARTER RACE IN KENTUCKY, AND OTHER STORIES. By W. T. Porter, Esq., of
+the New York Spirit of the Times. With Eight Illustrations and designs
+by Darley. Complete in one volume. Price Fifty cents.
+
+SIMON SUGGS.--ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN SIMON SUGGS, late of the Tallapoosa
+Volunteers, together with "Taking the Census," and other Alabama
+Sketches. By a Country Editor. With a Portrait from Life, and Nine other
+Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents.
+
+RIVAL BELLES. By J. B. Jones, author of "Wild Western Scenes," etc. This
+is a very humorous and entertaining work, and one that will be
+recommended by all after reading it. Price Fifty cents.
+
+YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. By Sam Slick, alias Judge Haliburton.
+Full of the drollest humor that has ever emanated from the pen of any
+author. Every page will set you in a roar. Price Fifty cents.
+
+LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF COL. VANDERBOMB, AND THE EXPLOITS OF HIS PRIVATE
+SECRETARY. By J. B. Jones, author of "The Rival Belles," "Wild Western
+Scenes," etc. Price Fifty cents.
+
+BIG BEAR OF ARKANSAS, and other Sketches, illustrative of Characters and
+Incidents in the South and South-West. Edited by Wm. T. Porter. With
+Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents.
+
+MAJOR JONES' CHRONICLES OF PINEVILLE; embracing Sketches of Georgia
+Scenes, Incidents, and Characters. By the author of "Major Jones'
+Courtship," etc. With Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents.
+
+LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF PERCIVAL MABERRY. By J. H. Ingraham. It will
+interest and please everybody. All who enjoy a good laugh should get it
+at once. Price Fifty cents.
+
+FRANK FORESTER'S QUORNDON HOUNDS; or, A Virginian at Melton Mowbray. By
+H. W. Herbert, Esq. With Illustrations. Price Fifty cents.
+
+PICKINGS FROM THE PORTFOLIO OF THE REPORTER OF THE "NEW ORLEANS
+PICAYUNE." Comprising Sketches of the Eastern Yankee, the Western
+Hoosier, and such others as make up society in the great Metropolis of
+the South. With Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents.
+
+FRANK FORESTER'S SHOOTING BOX. By the author of "The Quorndon Hounds,"
+"The Deer Stalkers," etc. With Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty
+cents.
+
+STRAY SUBJECTS ARRESTED AND BOUND OVER; being the Fugitive Offspring of
+the "Old Un" and the "Young Un," that have been "Laying Around Loose,"
+and are now "tied up" for fast keeping. With Illustrations by Darley.
+Price Fifty cents.
+
+FRANK FORESTER'S DEER STALKERS; a Tale of Circumstantial evidence. By
+the author of "My Shooting Box," "The Quorndon Hounds," etc. With
+Illustrations. Price Fifty cents.
+
+ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN FARRAGO. By Hon. H. H. Brackenridge. For Sixteen
+years one of the Judges of the Supreme Court of the State of
+Pennsylvania. With Illustrations from designs by Darley. Price Fifty
+cents.
+
+THE CHARMS OF PARIS; or, Sketches of Travel and Adventures by Night and
+Day, of a Gentleman of Fortune and Leisure. From his private journal.
+Price Fifty cents.
+
+PETER PLODDY, and other oddities. By the author of "Charcoal Sketches,"
+"Peter Faber," &c. With Illustrations from original designs, by Darley.
+Price Fifty cents.
+
+WIDOW RUGBY'S HUSBAND, a Night at the Ugly Man's, and other Tales of
+Alabama. By author of "Simon Suggs." With original Illustrations. Price
+Fifty cents.
+
+MAJOR O'REGAN'S ADVENTURES. By Hon. H. H. Brackenridge. With
+Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents.
+
+SOL. SMITH; THEATRICAL APPRENTICESHIP AND ANECDOTAL RECOLLECTIONS OF
+SOL. SMITH, Esq., Comedian, Lawyer, etc. Illustrated by Darley.
+Containing Early Scenes, Wanderings in the West, Cincinnati in Early
+Life, etc. Price Fifty cents.
+
+SOL. SMITH'S NEW BOOK; THE THEATRICAL JOURNEY-WORK AND ANECDOTAL
+RECOLLECTIONS OF SOL. SMITH, Esq., with a portrait of Sol. Smith. It
+comprises a Sketch of the second Seven years of his professional life,
+together with some Sketches of Adventure in after years. Price Fifty
+cents.
+
+POLLY PEABLOSSOM'S WEDDING, and other Tales. By the author of "Major
+Jones' Courtship," "Streaks of Squatter Life," etc. Price Fifty cents.
+
+FRANK FORESTER'S WARWICK WOODLANDS; or, Things as they were Twenty Years
+Ago. By the author of "The Quorndon Hounds," "My Shooting Box," "The
+Deer Stalkers," etc. With Illustrations, illuminated. Price Fifty cents.
+
+LOUISIANA SWAMP DOCTOR. By Madison Tensas, M. D., Ex. V. P. M. S. U. Ky.
+Author of "Cupping on the Sternum." With Illustrations by Darley. Price
+Fifty cents.
+
+NEW ORLEANS SKETCH BOOK, by "Stahl," author of the "Portfolio of a
+Southern Medical Student." With Illustrations from designs by Darley.
+Price Fifty cents.
+
+
+FRENCH, GERMAN, SPANISH, LATIN, AND ITALIAN LANGUAGES.
+
+Any person unacquainted with either of the above languages, can, with
+the aid of these works, be enabled to _read_, _write_ and _speak_ the
+language of either, without the aid of a teacher or any oral instruction
+whatever, provided they pay strict attention to the instructions laid
+down in each book, and that nothing shall be passed over, without a
+thorough investigation of the subject it involves: by doing which they
+will be able to _speak_, _read_ or _write_ either language, at their
+will and pleasure. Either of these works is invaluable to any persons
+wishing to learn these languages, and are worth to any one One Hundred
+times their cost. These works have already run through several large
+editions in this country, for no person ever buys one without
+recommending it to his friends.
+
+    FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER. In Six Easy Lessons.
+      GERMAN WITHOUT A MASTER. In Six Easy Lessons.
+        SPANISH WITHOUT A MASTER. In Four Easy Lessons.
+          ITALIAN WITHOUT A MASTER. In Five Easy Lessons.
+            LATIN WITHOUT A MASTER. In Six Easy Lessons.
+
+Price of either of the above Works, separate, 25 cents each--or the
+whole five may be had for One Dollar, and will be sent _free of postage_
+to any one on their remitting that amount to the publisher, in a
+letter.
+
+
+WORKS BY THE BEST AUTHORS.
+
+FLIRTATIONS IN AMERICA; OR HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. A capital book. 285
+pages. Price 50 cents.
+
+DON QUIXOTTE.--ILLUSTRATED LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF DON QUIXOTTE DE LA
+MANCHA, and his Squire Sancho Panza, with all the original notes. 300
+pages. Price 75 cents.
+
+WILD SPORTS IN THE WEST. By W. H. Maxwell, author of "Pictorial Life and
+Adventures of Grace O'Malley." Price 50 cents.
+
+THE ROMISH CONFESSIONAL; or, the Auricular Confession and Spiritual
+direction of the Romish Church. Its History, Consequences, and policy of
+the Jesuits. By M. Michelet. Price 50 cents.
+
+GENEVRA; or, the History of a Portrait. By Miss Fairfield, one of the
+best writers in America. 200 pages. Price 50 cents.
+
+WILD OATS SOWN ABROAD; OR, ON AND OFF SOUNDINGS. It is the Private
+Journal of a Gentleman of Leisure and Education, and of a highly
+cultivated mind, in making the tour of Europe. It shows up all the High
+and Low Life to be found in all the fashionable resorts in Paris. Price
+50 cents in paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt.
+
+SALATHIEL; OR, THE WANDERING JEW. By Rev. George Croly. One of the best
+and most world-wide celebrated books that has ever been printed. Price
+50 cents.
+
+LLORENTE'S HISTORY OF THE INQUISITION IN SPAIN. Only edition published
+in this country. Price 50 cents; or handsomely bound in muslin, gilt,
+price 75 cents.
+
+DR. HOLLICK'S NEW BOOK. ANATOMY AND PHYSIOLOGY, with a large dissected
+plate of the Human Figure, colored to Life. By the celebrated Dr.
+Hollick, author of "The Family Physician," "Origin of Life," etc. Price
+One Dollar.
+
+DR. HOLLICK'S FAMILY PHYSICIAN; OR, THE TRUE ART OF HEALING THE SICK. A
+book that should be in the house of every family. It is a perfect
+treasure. Price 25 cents.
+
+MYSTERIES OF THREE CITIES. Boston, New York, and Philadelphia. Revealing
+the secrets of society in these various cities. All should read it. By
+A. J. H. Duganne. 200 pages. Price 50 cents.
+
+RED INDIANS OF NEWFOUNDLAND. A beautifully illustrated Indian Story, by
+the author of the "Prairie Bird." Price 50 cents.
+
+HARRIS'S ADVENTURES IN AFRICA. This book is a rich treat. Two volumes.
+Price One Dollar, or handsomely bound, $1 50.
+
+THE PETREL; OR, LOVE ON THE OCEAN. A sea novel equal to the best. By
+Admiral Fisher. 200 pages. Price 50 cents.
+
+ARISTOCRACY, OR LIFE AMONG THE "UPPER TEN." A true novel of fashionable
+life. By J. A. Nunes, Esq. Price 50 cents.
+
+THE CABIN AND PARLOR. By J. Thornton Randolph. It is beautifully
+illustrated. Price 50 cents in paper cover; or a finer edition, printed
+on thicker and better paper, and handsomely bound in muslin, gilt, is
+published for One Dollar.
+
+LIFE IN THE SOUTH. A companion to "Uncle Tom's Cabin." By C. H. Wiley.
+Beautifully illustrated from original designs by Darley. Price 50
+cents.
+
+SKETCHES IN IRELAND. By William M. Thackeray, author of "Vanity Fair,"
+"History of Pendennis," etc. Price 50 cents.
+
+THE ROMAN TRAITOR; OR, THE DAYS OF CATALINE AND CICERO. By Henry William
+Herbert. This is one of the most powerful Roman stories in the English
+language, and is of itself sufficient to stamp the writer as a powerful
+man. Complete in two large volumes, of over 250 pages each, paper cover,
+price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth, for $1 25.
+
+THE LADY'S WORK-TABLE BOOK. Full of plates, designs, diagrams, and
+illustrations to learn all kinds of needlework. A work every Lady should
+possess. Price 50 cents in paper cover; or bound in crimson cloth, gilt,
+for 75 cents.
+
+THE COQUETTE. One of the best books ever written. One volume, octavo,
+over 200 pages. Price 50 cents.
+
+WHITEFRIARS; OR, THE DAYS OF CHARLES THE SECOND. An Historical Romance.
+Splendidly illustrated with original designs, by Chapin. It is the best
+historical romance published for years. Price 50 cents.
+
+WHITEHALL; OR, THE TIMES OF OLIVER CROMWELL. By the author of
+"Whitefriars." It is a work which, for just popularity and intensity of
+interest, has not been equalled since the publication of "Waverly."
+Beautifully illustrated. Price 50 cents.
+
+THE SPITFIRE. A Nautical Romance. By Captain Chamier, author of "Life
+and Adventures of Jack Adams." Illustrated. Price 50 cents.
+
+UNCLE TOM'S CABIN AS IT IS. One large volume, illustrated, bound in
+cloth. Price $1 25.
+
+FATHER CLEMENT. By Grace Kennady, author of "Dunallen," "Abbey of
+Innismoyle," etc. A beautiful book. Price 50 cents.
+
+THE ABBEY OF INNISMOYLE. By Grace Kennady, author of "Father Clement."
+Equal to any of her former works. Price 25 cents.
+
+THE FORTUNE HUNTER; a novel of New York society, Upper and Lower Tendom.
+By Mrs. Anna Cora Mowatt. Price 38 cents.
+
+POCKET LIBRARY OF USEFUL KNOWLEDGE. New and enlarged edition, with
+numerous engravings. Twenty thousand copies sold. We have never seen a
+volume embracing any thing like the same quantity of useful matter. The
+work is really a treasure. It should speedily find its way into every
+family. It also contains a large and entirely new Map of the United
+States, with full page portraits of the Presidents of the United States,
+from Washington until the present time, executed in the finest style of
+the art. Price 50 cents a copy only.
+
+HENRY CLAY'S PORTRAIT. Nagle's correct, full length Mezzotinto Portrait,
+and only true likeness ever published of the distinguished Statesman.
+Engraved by Sartain. Size, 22 by 30 inches. Price $1 00 a copy only.
+Originally sold at $5 00 a copy.
+
+THE MISER'S HEIR; OR, THE YOUNG MILLIONAIRE. A story of a Guardian and
+his Ward. A prize novel. By P. H. Myers, author of the "Emigrant
+Squire." Price 50 cents in paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt.
+
+THE TWO LOVERS. A Domestic Story. It is a highly interesting and
+companionable book, conspicuous for its purity of sentiment--its graphic
+and vigorous style--its truthful delineations of character--and deep and
+powerful interest of its plot. Price 38 cents.
+
+ARRAH NEIL. A novel by G. P. R. James. Price 50 cents.
+
+SIEGE OF LONDONDERRY. A History of the Siege of Londonderry, and Defence
+of Enniskillen, in 1688 and 1689, by the Rev. John Graham. Price 37
+cents.
+
+VICTIMS OF AMUSEMENTS. By Martha Clark, and dedicated by the author to
+the Sabbath Schools of the land. One vol., cloth, 38 cents.
+
+FREAKS OF FORTUNE; or, The Life and Adventures of Ned Lorn. By the
+author of "Wild Western Scenes." One volume, cloth. Price One Dollar.
+
+
+WORKS AT TWENTY-FIVE CENTS EACH.
+
+GENTLEMAN'S SCIENCE OF ETIQUETTE, AND GUIDE TO SOCIETY. By Count Alfred
+D'Orsay. With a portrait of Count D'Orsay. Price 25 cents.
+
+LADIES' SCIENCE OF ETIQUETTE. By Countess de Calabrella, with her
+full-length portrait. Price 25 cents.
+
+ELLA STRATFORD; OR, THE ORPHAN CHILD. By the Countess of Blessington. A
+charming and entertaining work. Price 25 cents.
+
+GHOST STORIES. Full of illustrations. Being a Wonderful Book. Price 25
+cents.
+
+ADMIRAL'S DAUGHTER. By Mrs. Marsh, author of "Ravenscliffe." One volume,
+octavo. Price 25 cents.
+
+THE MONK. A Romance. By Matthew G. Lewis, Esq., M. P. All should read
+it. Price 25 cents.
+
+DIARY OF A PHYSICIAN. Second Series. By S. C. Warren, author of "Ten
+Thousand a Year." Illustrated. Price 25 cents.
+
+ABEDNEGO, THE MONEY LENDER. By Mrs. Gore. Price 25 cents.
+
+MADISON'S EXPOSITION OF THE AWFUL CEREMONIES OF ODD FELLOWSHIP, with 20
+plates. Price 25 cents.
+
+GLIDDON'S ANCIENT EGYPT, HER MONUMENTS, HIEROGLYPHICS, HISTORY, ETC.
+Full of plates. Price 25 cents.
+
+BEAUTIFUL FRENCH GIRL; or the Daughter of Monsieur Fontanbleu. Price 25
+cents.
+
+MYSTERIES OF BEDLAM; OR, ANNALS OF THE LONDON MAD-HOUSE. Price 25 cents.
+
+JOSEPHINE. A Story of the Heart, By Grace Aguilar, author of "Home
+Influence," "Mother's Recompense," etc. Price 25 cents.
+
+EVA ST. CLAIR; AND OTHER TALES. By G. P. R. James, Esq., author of
+"Richelieu." Price 25 cents.
+
+AGNES GREY: AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY. By the author of "Jane Eyre," "Shirley,"
+etc. Price 25 cents.
+
+BELL BRANDON, AND THE WITHERED FIG TREE. By P. Hamilton Myers. A Three
+Hundred Dollar prize novel. Price 25 cents.
+
+KNOWLSON'S COMPLETE CATTLE, OR COW DOCTOR. Whoever owns a cow should
+have this book. Price 25 cents.
+
+KNOWLSON'S COMPLETE FARRIER, OR HORSE DOCTOR. All that own a horse
+should possess this work. Price 25 cents.
+
+THE COMPLETE KITCHEN AND FRUIT GARDENER, FOR POPULAR AND GENERAL USE.
+Price 25 cents.
+
+THE COMPLETE FLORIST; OR FLOWER GARDENER. The best in the world. Price
+25 cents.
+
+THE EMIGRANT SQUIRE. By author of "Bell Brandon." 25 cents.
+
+PHILIP IN SEARCH OF A WIFE. By the author of "Kate in Search of a
+Husband." Price 25 cents.
+
+MYSTERIES OF A CONVENT. By a noted Methodist Preacher. Price 25 cents.
+
+THE ORPHAN SISTERS. It is a tale such as Miss Austen might have been
+proud of, and Goldsmith would not have disowned. It is well told, and
+excites a strong interest. Price 25 cents.
+
+THE DEFORMED. One of the best novels ever written, and THE CHARITY
+SISTER. By Hon. Mrs. Norton. Price 25 cents.
+
+LIFE IN NEW YORK. IN DOORS AND OUT OF DOORS. By the late William Burns.
+Illustrated by Forty Engravings. Price 25 cents.
+
+JENNY AMBROSE; OR, LIFE IN THE EASTERN STATES. An excellent book. Price
+25 cents.
+
+MORETON HALL; OR, THE SPIRITS OF THE HAUNTED HOUSE. A Tale founded on
+Facts. Price 25 cents.
+
+RODY THE ROVER; OR THE RIBBON MAN. An Irish Tale. By William Carleton.
+One volume, octavo. Price 25 cents.
+
+AMERICA'S MISSION. By Rev. Charles Wadsworth. Price 25 cents.
+
+POLITICS IN RELIGION. By Rev. Charles Wadsworth. Price 12-1/2 cts.
+
+
+Professor LIEBIG'S Works on Chemistry.
+
+AGRICULTURAL CHEMISTRY. Chemistry in its application to Agriculture and
+Physiology. Price Twenty-five cents.
+
+ANIMAL CHEMISTRY. Chemistry in its application to Physiology and
+Pathology. Price Twenty-five cents.
+
+FAMILIAR LETTERS ON CHEMISTRY, and its relations to Commerce, Physiology
+and Agriculture.
+
+THE POTATO DISEASE. Researches into the motion of the Juices in the
+animal body.
+
+CHEMISTRY AND PHYSICS IN RELATION TO PHYSIOLOGY AND PATHOLOGY.
+
+T. B. PETERSON also publishes a complete edition of Professor Liebig's
+works on Chemistry, comprising the whole of the above. They are bound in
+one large royal octavo volume, in Muslin gilt. Price for the complete
+works bound in one volume, One Dollar and Fifty cents. The three last
+are not published separately from the bound volume.
+
+
+EXCELLENT SHILLING BOOKS.
+
+THE SEVEN POOR TRAVELLERS. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cts.
+
+THE SCHOOLBOY, AND OTHER STORIES. By Dickens. 12-1/2 cents.
+
+SISTER ROSE. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+CHRISTMAS CAROL. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+LIZZIE LEIGH, AND THE MINER'S DAUGHTERS. By Charles Dickens. Price
+12-1/2 cents.
+
+THE CHIMES. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+THE CRICKET ON THE HEARTH. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cts.
+
+BATTLE OF LIFE. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+HAUNTED MAN; AND THE GHOST'S BARGAIN. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2
+cents.
+
+THE YELLOW MASK. From Dickens' Household Words. Price 12-1/2 cts.
+
+A WIFE'S STORY. From Dickens' Household Words. Price 12-1/2 cts.
+
+MOTHER AND STEPMOTHER. By Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+ODD FELLOWSHIP EXPOSED. With all the Signs, Grips, Pass-words, etc.
+Illustrated. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+MORMONISM EXPOSED. Full of Engravings, and Portraits of the Twelve
+Apostles. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+THE LIFE AND DEATH OF THE REV. JOHN N. MAFFIT; with his Portrait. Price
+12-1/2 cents.
+
+REV. ALBERT BARNES ON THE MAINE LIQUOR LAW. THE THRONE OF INIQUITY; or,
+sustaining Evil by Law. A discourse in behalf of a law prohibiting the
+traffic in intoxicating drinks. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+WOMAN. DISCOURSE ON WOMAN. HER SPHERE, DUTIES, ETC. By Lucretia Mott.
+Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+EUCHRE. THE GAME OF EUCHRE, AND ITS LAWS. By a member of the Euchre Club
+of Philadelphia of Thirty Years' standing. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+DR. BERG'S ANSWER TO ARCHBISHOP HUGHES. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+DR. BERG'S LECTURE ON THE JESUITS. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+FRESH FRUITS AND VEGETABLES all the Year round, at Summer prices, and
+how to obtain and have them, with full directions. 12-1/2 cents.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+T. B. PETERSON'S Wholesale & Retail Cheap Book, Magazine, Newspaper,
+Publishing and Bookselling Establishment, is at No. 102 Chestnut Street,
+Philadelphia:
+
+From which place he will supply all orders for any books at all, no
+matter by whom published, in advance of all others, and at publishers'
+lowest cash prices. He respectfully invites Country Merchants,
+Booksellers, Pedlars, Canvassers, Agents, the Trade, Strangers in the
+City, and the public generally, to call and examine his extensive
+collection of all kinds of publications, where they will be sure to find
+all the _best, latest, and cheapest works_ published in this country or
+elsewhere, for sale very low.
+
+
+THE FORGED WILL.
+
+BY EMERSON BENNETT, AUTHOR OF "CLARA MORELAND," "VIOLA," "PIONEER'S
+DAUGHTER," ETC.
+
+THIS CELEBRATED AND BEAUTIFUL WORK is published complete in one large
+volume, of over 300 pages, paper cover, price FIFTY CENTS; or the work
+is handsomely bound in one volume, cloth, gilt, price ONE DOLLAR.
+
+ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND COPIES OF THE FORGED WILL! will be sold in a short
+time, and it will have a run and popularity second only to Uncle Tom's
+Cabin. The Press everywhere are unanimous in its praise, as being one of
+the most powerfully written works in the language.
+
+THE FORGED WILL is truly a celebrated work. It has been running through
+the columns of the Philadelphia Dollar Newspaper, where it has been
+appearing for ten weeks, and has proved itself to be one of the most
+popular nouvelettes that has ever appeared in the columns of any
+newspaper in this country. Before the fourth paper appeared, the back
+numbers, (although several thousand extra of the three former numbers
+were printed,) could not be obtained at any price, and the publishers of
+the paper were forced to issue a Supplement sheet of the first three
+papers of it, for new subscribers to their paper, which induced the
+publisher to make an arrangement with the popular author to bring it out
+in a beautiful style for the thousands that wish it in book form.
+
+If Emerson Bennett had never written his many delightful and thrilling
+stories of border life, of prairie scenes, and Indian warfare, this new
+story of the 'Forged Will' would have placed his name on the record as
+one of the best of American novelists. The scenes, principally, of this
+most captivating novel, are laid in the city of New York; and most
+glowingly the author pictures to us how the guilty may, for a time,
+escape the justice of the law, but only to feel the heavy hand of
+retribution sooner or later; how vice may, for a time, triumph over
+virtue, but only for a time; how crime may lie concealed, until its very
+security breeds exposure; how true virtue gives way to no temptation,
+but bears the ills of life with patience, hoping for a better day, and
+rejoices triumphant in the end. In short, from base hypocrisy he tears
+the veil that hides its huge deformity, and gives a true picture of life
+as it exists in the crowded city. We do cordially recommend this book
+for its excellent moral. It is one that should be circulated, for it
+_must_ do good.
+
+Price for the complete work, in one volume, in paper cover, Fifty Cents
+only; or a finer edition, printed on thicker and better paper, and
+handsomely bound in one volume, muslin, gilt, is published for One
+Dollar.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+T. B. PETERSON also publishes the following works by Emerson Bennett,
+either or all of which will be sent by mail, free of postage, to any
+one, on receipt of the prices annexed to them. All should send for one
+or more of them at once. No one will ever regret the money sent.
+
+CLARA MORELAND; or, Adventures in the Far South-West. By Emerson
+Bennett, author of the "The Forged Will," "Viola," etc. This has proved
+to be one of the most popular and powerful nouvelettes ever written in
+America, 336 pages. Price Fifty Cents in paper covers, or ONE DOLLAR in
+cloth, gilt.
+
+THE PIONEER'S DAUGHTER. By Emerson Bennett, author of "Clara Moreland,"
+"Forged Will," etc. Price 50 cents.
+
+WALDE-WARREN, a Tale of Circumstantial Evidence. By Emerson Bennett,
+author of "Viola," "Pioneer's Daughter," etc. Price 25 cents.
+
+VIOLA; or, Adventures in the Far South-West. By Emerson Bennett, author
+of "The Pioneer's Daughter," "Walde-Warren," etc. Price 50 cents.
+
+Copies of either edition of the above works will be sent to any person
+at all, to any part of the United States, free of postage, on their
+remitting the price of the edition they wish, to the publisher, in a
+letter, post paid. Published and for Sale by
+
+         T. B. PETERSON,
+  No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.
+
+
+VIOLA; OR, ADVENTURES IN THE FAR SOUTH-WEST.
+
+BY EMERSON BENNETT, AUTHOR OF "CLARA MORELAND," "FORGED WILL," "KATE
+CLARENDON," "BRIDE OF THE WILDERNESS," "WALDE-WARREN," "PIONEER'S
+DAUGHTER," ETC., ETC.
+
+READ THE FOLLOWING OPINIONS OF THE PRESS:
+
+"We have perused this work with some attention, and do not hesitate to
+pronounce it one of the very best productions of the talented author.
+The scenes are laid in Texas, and the adjoining frontier. There is not a
+page that does not glow with thrilling and interesting incident, and
+will well repay the reader for the time occupied in perusing it. The
+characters are most admirably drawn, and are perfectly natural
+throughout. We have derived so much gratification from the perusal of
+this charming novel, that we are anxious to make our readers share it
+with us; and, at the same time, to recommend it to be read by all
+persons who are fond of romantic adventures. Mr. Bennett is a spirited
+and vigorous writer, and his works deserve to be generally read; not
+only because they are well written, but that they are, in most part,
+taken from events connected with the history of our own country, from
+which much valuable information is derived, and should, therefore, have
+a double claim upon our preference, over those works where the incidents
+are gleaned from the romantic legends of old castles, and foreign
+climes. The book is printed on fine paper, and is in every way got up in
+a style highly creditable to the enterprising publisher."
+
+"It is a spirited tale of frontier life, of which 'Clara Moreland' is
+the sequel and conclusion. Mr. Bennett seems to delight in that field of
+action and adventure, where Cooper won his laurels; and which is perhaps
+the most captivating to the general mind of all the walks of fiction.
+There has been, so far, we think, a steady improvement in his style and
+stories; and his popularity, as a necessary consequence, has been and is
+increasing. One great secret of the popularity of these out-door novels,
+as we may call them, is that there is a freshness and simplicity of the
+open air and natural world about them--free from the closeness,
+intensity and artificiality of the gas-lighted world revealed in works
+that treat of the vices and dissipations of large
+cities."--_Philadelphia Saturday Evening Post._
+
+"This is one of the best productions of Mr. Bennett. The scenes are in
+and near Texas. Every page glows with thrilling interest, and the
+characters are well drawn and sustained. An interesting love plot runs
+through the book, which gives a faithful representation of life in the
+far South-West. Mr. Peterson has issued Viola in his usual neat style,
+and it is destined to have a great run."--_Clinton Tribune._
+
+"We have received the above work and found time to give it an
+examination. The scenes are laid mostly in Texas, and pictured with all
+the vividness for which the author is so celebrated. Those who are
+particularly fond of wild and romantic adventures may safely calculate
+upon finding 'Viola' suited to their taste. It is well written and
+handsomely printed."--_Daily Journal, Chicago, Ill._
+
+"It is a very interesting book. The scenes of this most exciting and
+interesting Romance are found in Texas before and during the late
+Mexican war. It is written with much spirit and pathos, and abounds in
+stirring incidents and adventures, and has an interesting and romantic
+love-plot interwoven with it; and is a faithful representation of 'Life
+in the Far South-West.' The author of 'Viola,' will rank among the most
+popular of American Novelists, and aided by the great energy and
+enterprise of his publisher, T. B. Peterson, is fast becoming a general
+favorite."--_Gazette, Rhinebeck, N. Y._
+
+"This thrilling and interesting novel--equal to anything the celebrated
+author ever wrote--has been issued in a fifty cent volume; and we would
+advise every one who wants to get the value of his money, to get the
+book. Bennett's works are the most interesting of any now
+published."--_Western Emporium, Germantown, Ohio._
+
+THIS BEAUTIFUL AND CELEBRATED WORK is published complete in one large
+volume of near 300 pages, paper cover, price FIFTY CENTS; or the work is
+handsomely bound in one volume, cloth, gilt, price SEVENTY-FIVE CENTS.
+
+Copies of either edition of the above work will be sent to any person at
+all, to any part of the United States, free of postage, on their
+remitting the price of the edition they wish, to the publisher, in a
+letter, post-paid. Published and for Sale by
+
+          T. B. PETERSON,
+No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia
+
+
+THE ROMAN TRAITOR; OR, THE DAYS OF CICERO, CATO AND CATALINE.
+
+BY HENRY WILLIAM HERBERT, AUTHOR OF "CROMWELL," "THE BROTHERS," ETC.
+
+
+READ THE FOLLOWING OPINIONS OF THE PRESS ABOUT IT.
+
+_From the Philadelphia Saturday Courier, of Sept. 10th, 1853._
+
+"This historical romance is the most powerfully wrought work which the
+indomitable genius of the author has ever produced; and is amply
+sufficient of itself to stamp the writer as a powerful man. The
+startling schemes and plots which preceded the overthrow of the great
+Roman Republic, afford ample scope for his well-practised pen, and we
+may add he has not only been fortunate in producing a work of such
+masterly pretensions, but Mr. Herbert is equally so in the good taste,
+energy, and tact of his enterprising publisher. The book is admirably
+brought out, and altogether may be set down as one of Peterson's 'great
+hits' in literature."
+
+_From the Philadelphia Daily Pennsylvanian, of Sept. 8th, 1853._
+
+"The author has made one of his happiest efforts, and given in this
+volume a tale which will stand the test of the most rigid criticism, and
+be read by all lovers of literature that embodies the true, the
+thrilling, the powerful, and the sublime. In fact, we would have thought
+it impossible to produce such a tale of the Republic in these latter
+days; but here we have it--Sergius Cataline, Cethegus, Cassius, and the
+rest of that dark band of conspirators, are here displayed in their true
+portraits. Those who have read 'Sallust' with care, will recognize the
+truthful portraiture at a glance, and see the heroes of deep and
+treacherous villainy dressed out in their proper devil-doing character.
+On the other hand, we have Cicero, the orator and true friend of the
+Commonwealth of Rome. We have also his noble contemporaries and
+coadjutors, all in this volume. Would that space permitted for a more
+extended notice, but we are compelled to forbear. One thing is
+certain--if this book contained nothing more than the story of Paullus
+Arvina, it would be a tale of thrilling interest."
+
+_From the Cleveland, Ohio, True Democrat, of Sept. 8th, 1853._
+
+"Those who have perused the former works of this distinguished author,
+will not fail to procure this book--It is a thrilling romance, and the
+characters brought forward, and the interest with which they are
+constantly invested, will insure for it a great run."
+
+_From the Philadelphia City Item, of Sept. 10th, 1853._
+
+"The Roman Traitor demands earnest commendation. It is a powerful
+production--perhaps the highest effort of the brilliant and successful
+author. A thorough historian and a careful thinker, he is well qualified
+to write learnedly of any period of the world's history. The book is
+published in tasteful style, and will adorn the centre-table."
+
+_From the Boston Evening Transcript, of Sept. 6th, 1853._
+
+"This is a powerfully written tale, filled with the thrilling incidents
+which have made the period of which it speaks one of the darkest in the
+history of the Roman Republic. The lovers of excitement will find in its
+pages ample food to gratify a taste for the darker phases of life's
+drama."
+
+_From the Philadelphia Sunday Dispatch, of Sept. 4th, 1853._
+
+"Cataline's conspiracy has been selected by Mr. Herbert as the subject
+of this story. Taking the historical incidents as recorded by the most
+authentic authors, he has woven around them a net-work of incident, love
+and romance, which is stirring and exciting. The faithful manner in
+which the author has adhered to history, and the graphic style in which
+his descriptions abound, stamp this as one of the most excellent of his
+many successful novels."
+
+Price for the complete work, in two volumes, in paper cover, One Dollar
+only; or a finer edition, printed on thicker and better paper, and
+handsomely bound in one volume, muslin, gilt, is published for One
+Dollar and Twenty-five Cents.
+
+Copies of either edition of the work will be sent to any person at all,
+to any part of the United States, free of postage, on their remitting
+the price of the edition they wish to the publisher, in a letter,
+post-paid. Published and for sale by
+
+          T. B. PETERSON,
+No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia
+
+
+THE INITIALS: A STORY OF MODERN LIFE.
+
+Complete in two vols., paper cover, Price One Dollar; or bound in one
+vol., cloth. Price One Dollar and Twenty-Five Cents a copy.
+
+T. B. PETERSON, NO. 102 CHESTNUT STREET, PHILADELPHIA, has just
+published this celebrated and world-renowned work. It will be found on
+perusal to be one of the best, as it is one of the most celebrated works
+ever published in the English language, and will live, and continue to
+be read for generations to come, and rank by the side of Sir Walter
+Scott's celebrated novels.
+
+READ THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
+
+  CHAPTER
+        I. The Letter.
+       II. The Initials
+      III. A. Z.
+       IV. A Walk of no common Description.
+        V. An Alp.
+       VI. Secularized Cloisters.
+      VII. An Excursion, and Return to the Secularized Cloisters.
+     VIII. An Alpine Party.
+       IX. Salzburg.
+        X. The Return to Munich.
+       XI. The Betrothal.
+      XII. Domestic Details.
+     XIII. A Truce.
+      XIV. A New Way to Learn German.
+       XV. The October Fete. A Lesson on Propriety of Conduct.
+      XVI. The Au Fair. The Supper.
+     XVII. Lovers' Quarrels.
+    XVIII. The Churchyard.
+      XIX. German Soup.
+       XX. The Warning.
+      XXI. The Struggle.
+     XXII. The Departure.
+    XXIII. The Long Day.
+     XXIV. The Christmas Tree, and Midnight Mass.
+      XXV. The Garret.
+     XXVI. The Discussion.
+    XXVII. The Sledge.
+   XXVIII. A Ball at the Museum Club.
+     XXIX. A Day of Freedom.
+      XXX. The Masquerade.
+     XXXI. Where is the Bridegroom?
+    XXXII. The Wedding at Troisieme.
+   XXXIII. A Change.
+    XXXIV. The Arrangement.
+     XXXV. The Difficulty Removed.
+    XXXVI. The Iron Works.
+   XXXVII. An Unexpected Meeting, and its Consequences.
+  XXXVIII. The Experiment.
+    XXXIX. The Recall.
+       XL. Hohenfels.
+      XLI. The Scheiben-Schiessen, (Target Shooting-Match.)
+     XLII. A Discourse.
+    XLIII. Another kind of Discourse.
+     XLIV. The Journey Home Commences.
+      XLV. What occurred at the Hotel D'Angle-terre in Frankfort.
+     XLVI. Halt!
+    XLVII. Conclusion.
+
+Copies of either edition of the work will be sent to any person, to any
+part of the United States, _free of postage_, on their remitting the
+price of the edition they may wish, to the publisher, in a letter.
+
+Published and for sale by T. B. PETERSON, No. 102 Chestnut St.,
+Philadelphia To whom all Orders should be addressed, post-paid.
+
+
+CLARA MORELAND.
+
+BY EMERSON BENNETT.
+
+Price Fifty Cents in Paper Cover; or, One Dollar in Cloth, Gilt.
+
+READ THE FOLLOWING OPINIONS OF THE PRESS.
+
+"This is decidedly the best novel Mr. Bennett has written. He tells his
+story well, and while leading the reader over the prairies of Texas into
+the haunts of the wild Indians, or among the equally savage bands of
+lawless men, that once were the terror of that country; he presents the
+remarkable transitions in the fortunes of his hero, in a manner which,
+though often startling, are yet within the bounds of probability. His
+dialogue is good, growing easily out of the situation and condition of
+the interlocutors, and presenting occasionally, especially in response,
+an epigrammatic poise, that is worthy of all praise. The plot abounds
+with adventure, and presents many scenes of startling interest, while
+the denouement is such as to amply satisfy the most fastidious reader's
+ideas of poetical justice. We would add a few words of praise for the
+excellent style in which this book is gotten up. It is well printed on
+good paper, and bound in a manner to correspond with the quality of its
+typography."--_Arthur's Home Gazette._
+
+"This is the best of Mr. Bennett's books. It is a brilliant and
+thrilling production, and will particularly interest all who love to
+read of life in the West and South-West. A love story runs through the
+volume, lending grace and finish to it. Mr. Peterson has issued the book
+in very handsome style; the type is new and of honest size, the binding
+is strong and pretty, the paper is firm and white, and the
+embellishments are eminently creditable. Clara Moreland should command a
+large sale."--_Philadelphia City Item._
+
+"On looking more carefully through this racy, spirited narrative of
+thrilling scenes and well-told adventures, we meet with beauties that
+escape a casual observation. Mr. Bennett is a keen discoverer of
+character, and paints his portraits so true to nature as to carry the
+reader with him through all his wild wanderings and with unabated
+interest. The author of 'Clara Moreland' takes rank among the most
+popular American novelists, and aided by the great energy of his
+publisher is fast becoming a general favorite."--_McMackin's Model
+Saturday Courier._
+
+"Emerson Bennett has written some very creditable productions. This is
+one of his longest, and is well received. Mr. Bennett is a favorite
+author with Western readers. It is illustrated and well
+printed."--_Philadelphia Dollar Newspaper._
+
+"It is a tale of wild border life and exciting incident, bustle, and
+turmoil."--_Philadelphia North American._
+
+"Mr. Bennett is, in some measure, a new man in this section of the
+universe, and, as such, our reading public are bound to give him a
+cordial greeting, not only for this, but for the sake of that
+wide-spread popularity which he has achieved in the mighty West, and
+more especially for the intrinsic excellence that distinguishes his
+glowing, brilliant productions, of which 'Clara Moreland' may be
+pronounced the best."--_Philadelphia Saturday Courier._
+
+"This work is of the most exciting character, and will be enjoyed by all
+who have a cultivated taste."--_Baltimore Sun._
+
+"The scene of this interesting Romance lies in Texas before or during
+the late war with Mexico. It is written with a great deal of spirit; it
+abounds in stirring incidents and adventures, has a good love-plot
+interwoven with it, and is in many respects a faithful representation of
+Life in the Far South-West. Mr. Bennett is destined to great popularity,
+especially at the South and West. His publisher has issued this book in
+a very handsome style."--_Philadelphia Evening Bulletin._
+
+"This is a thrilling story of frontier life, full of incident, and
+graphically sketched. It is published in a good style."--_Philadelphia
+Public Ledger._
+
+"This is a spirited narrative of stirring scenes, by Emerson Bennett.
+Those who love daring adventure and hair-breadth escapes will find it an
+engaging book."--_Detroit, Mich., Paper._
+
+"It is a thrilling narrative of South-Western adventure, illustrated by
+numerous engravings."--_Detroit, Mich., Paper._
+
+"It is a wondrous story of thrilling adventures and hair-breadth
+escapes, the scene of which is laid in the South-West. The book is
+illustrated with engravings representing some of the exciting events
+narrated by the writer."--_Detroit, Mich., Paper._
+
+"It is a work replete with stirring adventure. Romance, incident, and
+accident, are blended together so as to form a highly interesting work
+of 334 pages."--_New York Picayune._
+
+  Published and for sale by T. B. PETERSON,
+No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia
+
+
+WILD OATS SOWN ABROAD; OR, ON AND OFF SOUNDINGS,
+
+BY A GENTLEMEN OF LEISURE.
+
+A NEW AND EXQUISITELY ORIGINAL WORK.
+
+Have you read it? If not, then do so.
+
+Price Fifty Cents in Paper; or Seventy Five Cents in Cloth.
+
+Wild Oats Sown Abroad is a splendid work. It is the Private Journal of a
+Gentleman of Leisure and Education, and of a highly cultivated mind, in
+making the Tour of Europe. It is having a sale unprecedented in the
+annals of literature, for nothing equal to it in spiciness, vivacity,
+and real scenes and observations in daily travel, has ever appeared from
+the press.
+
+TABLE OF CONTENTS OF THIS EXTRAORDINARY WORK.
+
+  Opening the Journal.
+  Adventure in search of Ruin.
+  Parting Tribute to Love.
+  Three Desperate Days!
+  The Poetry of Sea-Sickness.
+  The Red Flannel Night-Cap.
+  A Ship by Moonlight.
+  Arrival in London.
+  The Parks of London.
+  Poet's Corner, Westminster Abbey.
+  England's Monuments.
+  Madame Tussaud's Wax Works.
+  The "Beauties" of Hampton Court.
+  Love and Philosophy.
+  "Love's Labor Lost."
+  A Peep at "The Shades."
+  The Modern "Aspasia."
+  Noble Plea for Matrimony.
+  The Lily on the Shore.
+  English Mother and American Daughter.
+  The "Maid of Normandie."
+  An Effecting Scene.
+  "Paris est un Artist."
+  The Guillotine.
+  "Give us Another!"
+  Post Mortem Reflections.
+  Fashionable Criticism.
+  Whiskey Punch and Logic.
+  "Shylock asks for Justice!"
+  "Lorette" and "Grisette."
+  Kissing Day.
+  The Tattoo.
+  The Masked Ball.
+  The Incognita.
+  The Charms of Paris.
+  Changing Horses.
+  A View in Lyons.
+  Avignon--Petrarch and Laura.
+  Our First Ruin.
+  The Unconscious Blessing.
+  A Crash and a Wreck.
+  The Railroad of Life.
+  A Night Adventure.
+  "The Gods take care of Cato."
+  The Triumphs of Neptune.
+  The Marquisi's Foot.
+  Beauties of Naples Bay.
+  Natural History of the Lazaroni.
+  The True Venus.
+  Love and Devotion.
+  The Mortality of Pompeii.
+  Procession of the Host.
+  The Ascent of Vesuvius.
+  The Mountain Emetic.
+  The Human Projectile.
+  The City of the Soul.
+  The Coup de Main.
+  Night in the Coliseum!
+  Catholicity Considered.
+  Power Passing Away!
+  Byron Among the Ruins.
+  A Gossip with the Artists.
+  Speaking Gems.
+  "Weep for Adonis!"
+  The Lady and the God.
+  The Science of Psalmistry.
+  "Sour Grapes."
+  A Ramble about Tivoli.
+  Illumination of St. Peter's.
+  The "Niobe of Nations."
+  A Ghostly Scene!
+  "Honi soit qui mal y pense."
+  A "Ball" without Music.
+  Abelard and Heloise.
+  Scenes on the Road.
+  The "Tug of War."
+  "There they are, by Jove!"
+  The Raven-Haired One!
+  Heaven and Hell!
+  The "Hamlet" of Sculpture.
+  The Modern Susannah.
+  Hey, Presto! Change!
+  The Death Scene of Cleopatra.
+  An Eulogy on Tuscany.
+  A Real Claude Sunset.
+  Tasso and Byron.
+  The Shocking Team!
+  Floatings in Venice.
+  The Venetian Girls.
+  The Bell-Crowned Hat!
+  The "Lion's Mouth."
+  The "Bridge of Sighs!"
+  A Subterranean Fete!
+  Byron and Moore in Venice.
+  Diana and Endymion.
+  The Pinch of Snuff.
+  The Rock-Crystal Coffin!
+  Eccentricity of Art.
+  Thoughts in a Monastery.
+  The Lake of Como.
+  Immortal Drummer Boy.
+  Wit, and its Reward!
+  The Cold Bath.
+  "Here we are!"
+  The Mountain Expose.
+  The "Last Rose of Summer."
+  Waking the Echoes.
+  Watching the Avalanche.
+  A Beautiful Incident.
+  A Shot with the Long Bow.
+  Mt. Blanc and a full stop.
+
+Price for the complete work, in paper cover, Fifty cents a copy only; or
+handsomely bound in muslin, gilt, for Seventy-Five cents.
+
+Copies of either edition of the work will be sent to any person at all,
+to any part of the United States, free of postage, on their remitting
+the price of the edition they wish, to the publisher, in a letter, post
+paid.
+
+  Published and for sale by T. B. PETERSON,
+No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia
+
+
+T. B. PETERSON'S WHOLESALE AND RETAIL
+
+Cheap Book, Magazine, Newspaper, Publishing and Bookselling
+Establishment, is at No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.
+
+T. B. PETERSON has the satisfaction to announce to the public, that he
+has removed to the new and spacious BROWN STONE BUILDING, NO. 102
+CHESTNUT STREET, just completed by the city authorities on the Girard
+Estate, known as the most central and best situation in the city of
+Philadelphia. As it is the Model Book Store of the Country, we will
+describe it: It is the largest, most spacious, and best arranged Retail
+and Wholesale Cheap Book and Publishing Establishment in the United
+States. It is built, by the Girard Estate, of Connecticut sand-stone, in
+a richly ornamental style. The whole front of the lower story, except
+that taken up by the doorway, is occupied by two large plate glass
+windows, a single plate to each window, costing together over three
+thousand dollars. On entering and looking up, you find above you a
+ceiling sixteen feet high; while, on gazing before, you perceive a vista
+of One Hundred and Fifty-Seven feet. The retail counters extend back for
+eighty feet, and, being double, afford counter-room of One Hundred and
+Sixty feet in length. There is also _over Three Thousand feet of
+shelving in the retail part of the store alone_. This part is devoted to
+the retail business, and as it is the most spacious in the country,
+furnishes also the best and largest assortment of all kinds of books to
+be found in the country. It is fitted up in the most superb style; the
+shelvings are all painted in Florence white, with gilded cornices for
+the book shelves.
+
+Behind the retail part of the store, at about ninety feet from the
+entrance, is the counting-room, twenty feet square, railed neatly off,
+and surmounted by a most beautiful dome of stained glass. In the rear of
+this is the wholesale and packing department, extending a further
+distance of about sixty feet, with desks and packing counters for the
+establishment, etc., etc. All goods are received and shipped from the
+back of the store, having a fine avenue on the side of Girard Bank for
+the purpose, leading out to Third Street, so as not to interfere with
+and block up the front of the store on Chestnut Street. The cellar, of
+the entire depth of the store, is filled with printed copies of Mr.
+Peterson's own publications, printed from his own stereotype plates, of
+which he generally keeps on hand an edition of a thousand each, making a
+stock, of his own publications alone, of over three hundred thousand
+volumes, constantly on hand.
+
+T. B. PETERSON is warranted in saying, that he is able to offer such
+inducements to the Trade, and all others, to favor him with their
+orders, as cannot be excelled by any book establishment in the country.
+In proof of this, T. B. PETERSON begs leave to refer to his great
+facilities of getting stock of all kinds, his dealing direct with all
+the Publishing Houses in the country, and also to his own long list of
+Publications, consisting of the best and most popular productions of the
+most talented authors of the United States and Great Britain, and to his
+very extensive stock, embracing every work, new or old, published in the
+United States.
+
+T. B. PETERSON will be most happy to supply all orders for any books at
+all, no matter by whom published, in advance of all others, and at
+publishers' lowest cash prices. He respectfully invites Country
+Merchants, Booksellers, Pedlars, Canvassers, Agents, the Trade,
+Strangers in the city, and the public generally, to call and examine his
+extensive collection of cheap and standard publications of all kinds,
+comprising a most magnificent collection of CHEAP BOOKS, MAGAZINES,
+NOVELS, STANDARD and POPULAR WORKS of all kinds, BIBLES, PRAYER BOOKS,
+ANNUALS, GIFT BOOKS, ILLUSTRATED WORKS, ALBUMS and JUVENILE WORKS of all
+kinds, GAMES of all kinds, to suit all ages, tastes, etc., which he is
+selling to his customers and the public at much lower prices than they
+can be purchased elsewhere. Being located at No. 102 CHESTNUT Street,
+the great thoroughfare of the city, and BUYING his stock outright in
+large quantities, and not selling on commission, he can and will sell
+them on such terms as will defy all competition. Call and examine our
+stock, you will find it to be the best, largest and cheapest in the
+city; and you will also be sure to find all the _best, latest, popular,
+and cheapest works_ published in this country or elsewhere, for sale at
+the lowest prices.
+
+" Call in person and examine our stock, or send your orders _by mail
+direct_, to the CHEAP BOOKSELLING and PUBLISHING ESTABLISHMENT of
+
+                   T. B. PETERSON,
+No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's The Humors of Falconbridge, by Jonathan F. Kelley
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE ***
+
+***** This file should be named 30480.txt or 30480.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/3/0/4/8/30480/
+
+Produced by Irma Spehar, David Cortesi and the Online
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