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+Project Gutenberg's The Humors of Falconbridge, by Jonathan F. Kelley
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Humors of Falconbridge
+ A Collection of Humorous and Every Day Scenes
+
+Author: Jonathan F. Kelley
+
+Release Date: November 15, 2009 [EBook #30480]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Irma Spehar, David Cortesi and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE
+
+This etext differs from the original in the following ways. Some missing
+periods have been inserted. The original used "some how" and "somehow"
+about equally; all have been changed to "somehow." The OE ligature, used
+several times, is shown as [oe]. In the advertisements at the end of the
+book, uses of the pointing-hand symbols (Unicode #9758, White Right
+Pointing Index, and Unicode #9756, White Left Pointing Index) have been
+replaced with the right (") and left (") double-angle symbols from the
+ISO 8859-1 character set. Finally, evident typographical errors have
+been corrected as follows:
+
+ someting > something, p. 63
+ catankerous > cantankerous, p. 71
+ veloscipeding > velocipeding, p. 99
+ who'se > who's, p. 99
+ turkies > turkeys, p. 110
+ potatoe > potato, p. 121
+ knowlege > knowledge, p. 155
+ lagest > largest, p. 177
+ pass > past, p. 190
+ develope > develop, p. 249
+ ot > not, p. 257
+ governer > governor, p. 257
+ handerchief > handkerchief, p. 261
+ poverity > poverty, p. 279
+ reconnoissances > reconnaissances, p. 281
+ himsesf > himself, p. 288
+ peaking > peeking, p. 311
+ sponser > sponsor, p. 313
+ aspsrations > aspirations, p. 336
+ mortaged > mortgaged, p. 376
+ woful > woeful, p. 400
+ domicils > domiciles, p. 400
+ Amercian > American, p. 409
+ lubago > lumbago, p. 412
+ somethiug > something, p. 420
+
+
+ * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: "Go--goo--good Lord-d d! Ho--ho--hol--hold on!" "O, yeez
+needn't be afear'd of that--I'm howldin' yeez tight as a divil!"--_Page_
+92.]
+
+ * * * * *
+
+ HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE
+
+ * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: "Are you de man advertised for de dogs, sa-a-ay? You
+needn't be afraid o' dem; come a'here, lay down, Balty--day's de dogs,
+mister, vot you read of!" "Ain't they rather fierce," responded the
+rural sportsman, eyeing the ugly brutes. "Fierce? Better believe dey
+are--show 'em a f-f-ight, if you want to see 'em go in for de chances!
+You want to see der teeth?"--_Page_ 136.]
+
+ * * * * *
+
+ THE
+
+ HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE:
+
+ A COLLECTION OF
+ HUMOROUS AND EVERY DAY SCENES.
+
+ BY
+
+ JONATHAN F. KELLEY.
+
+ Philadelphia:
+ T. B. PETERSON, No. 102 CHESTNUT STREET.
+
+ [Library stamp: Univ. of California]
+
+ Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1856, by
+
+ T. B. PETERSON,
+
+ In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States,
+ in and for the Eastern District of Pennsylvania.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+ TO
+ ISAAC S. CLOUGH, ESQ.,
+ OF MASSACHUSETTS,
+
+ AS A SLIGHT TOKEN OF MY REGARDS FOR YOUR JUST
+ APPRECIATION OF A GOOD THING,
+
+ AS WELL AS FOR
+
+ YOUR RARE GOOD SOCIAL WIT AND AGREEABLE QUALITIES;
+
+ AND MORE THAN ALL,
+
+ FOR YOUR GENEROUS SPIRIT AND WELL-TESTED FRIENDSHIP,
+
+ I DO WITH SINCERE PLEASURE,
+
+ Dedicate unto you this Volume of my Sketches.
+
+ FRATERNALLY YOURS,
+
+ FALCONBRIDGE.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH OF THE LATE JONATHAN F. KELLY.
+
+
+The life of a literary man offers but few points upon which even the
+pens of his professional brethren can dwell, with the hope of exciting
+interest among that large and constantly increasing class who have a
+taste for books. The career of the soldier may be colored by the hues of
+romantic adventure; the politician may leave a legacy to history, which
+it would be ingratitude not to notice; but what triumphs or matters of
+exciting moment can reasonably be hoped for in the short existence of
+one who has merely been a writer for the press? After death has stilled
+the pulses of a generous man such as Mr. Kelly was, it is with small
+anticipation of rendering a satisfactory return, that any one can
+undertake to sketch the principal events of his life.
+
+It is, perhaps, a matter for felicitation that Mr. Kelly has been his
+own autobiographer. His narratives and recitals are nearly all personal.
+They are mostly the results of his own observation and experience; and
+those who, in accordance with a practice we fear now too little attended
+to, read the Preface before the body of the work, will, we trust,
+understand that the stories in which "Falconbridge" claims to have been
+an actor, are to be received with as much confidence as truthful
+accounts, as if some Boswell treasured them up with care, and minutely
+detailed them for the admiration of those who should follow after him.
+
+Jonathan F. Kelly was born in Philadelphia, on the 14th day of August,
+A. D. 1817. Young Jonathan was, at the proper age, placed at school,
+where he acquired the rudiments of a plain English education, sufficient
+to enable him, with the practice and experience to be gained in the
+world, to improve the advantages derived from his tuition. He was, while
+yet a boy, placed for a time in a grocery store, and subsequently was
+employed by Lewis W. Glenn, a perfumer, whose place of business was then
+in Third street above Walnut.
+
+In 1837, Jonathan, being of the age of nineteen years, determined to go
+out into the world to seek adventure and fortune. He accordingly set out
+for that great region to which attention was then turned--the Western
+country. Having but slight means to pay the expenses of traveling, he
+walked nearly the whole of the journey. At Chillicothe, in Ohio, his
+wanderings were for a time ended. The exposure to which he had been
+subjected, caused a very severe attack of pleurisy. It happened most
+fortunately for him that a kind farmer, Mr. John A. Harris, pitied the
+boy; whose sprightliness, social accomplishments, and good conduct, had
+made a favorable impression. He was taken into Mr. Harris' family, and
+assiduously nursed during an indisposition which lasted more than two
+months. This circumstance appeased his roving disposition for a time,
+and he remained upon the farm of his good friend, Mr. Harris, for two
+years, making himself practically acquainted with the life and toils of
+an agriculturist. In 1839, he concluded to return to Philadelphia, where
+he remained for a time with his family. But the spirit of adventure
+returned. He connected himself with a theatrical company, and traveling
+through Delaware, Maryland, and Virginia, was finally checked in his
+career at Pittsburg, where he undertook the management of a hotel. This
+business not being congenial, he soon sold out the establishment, and
+returned to Philadelphia. He shortly afterwards started away on a
+theatrical tour, which extended through most of the Southern States, and
+into Texas. In this tour, Mr. Kelly went through a great variety of
+adventures, saw many strange scenes, and obtained a fund of amusing
+experience, which afterward served him to great advantage in his
+literary sketches. After having thoroughly exhausted his roving desires,
+he returned to Philadelphia, where, indeed, upon his previous visit, he
+had become subject to a new attraction, the most powerful which could be
+found to restrain his wandering impulses. He had become acquainted with
+a worthy young lady, to whom, upon his return, and in the year 1842, he
+was married.
+
+This union changed the thoughts and objects of Mr. Kelly. His wild,
+bachelor life was over; and he seriously considered how it was possible
+for him who had been educated to no regular business, to find the means
+of support for himself and family. Believing himself to have some
+literary capacity, he was induced to go to Pittsburg, in order to
+commence a newspaper in partnership with U. J. Jones. This enterprise
+was not a successful one, and with his companion he went to Cincinnati,
+where he enlisted in another newspaper speculation. The result of that
+attempt was equally unpropitious. Dissolving their interests, Mr. Kelly
+then removed with his family to New York. Here he commenced a journal
+devoted to theatrical and musical criticism, and intelligence, entitled
+"The Archer." Mr. J. W. Taylor was a partner with him in the
+publication. The twain also engaged in the fancy business, having a
+store in Broadway, above Grand street. The adventure there not being
+very successful, the partnership in that branch of their concern was
+dissolved, and Mr. Kelly commenced a book and periodical store nearly
+opposite. This was about the year 1844. "The Archer" was soon after
+discontinued, and Mr. K. returned to Philadelphia. About this time he
+commenced writing contributions for various newspapers, under the
+signature of "Falconbridge." His essays in this line, which were
+published in the "New York Spirit of the Times," were received with much
+favor, and widely copied by the press throughout the country. The
+reputation thus attained, was such that he found himself in a fair way
+to make a lucrative and pleasant livelihood. His sketches were in
+demand, and were readily sold, whilst the prices were remunerative, and
+enabled him to attain a degree of domestic comfort which he had before
+that time not known. From Philadelphia he removed to Boston, where he
+hoped to find permanent employment as an editor. During six months he
+relied upon the sale of his sketches, and again returned to New York,
+from which he was recalled by an advantageous offer from Paige & Davis,
+if he would undertake the control of "The Bostonian." He filled the
+editorial chair of that paper for two years, when it was discontinued.
+He had now plenty to do, and was constantly engaged upon sketches for
+the "Yankee Blade," "The N. Y. Spirit of the Times," and many other
+journals and magazines, adopting the signatures, "Falconbridge," "Jack
+Humphries," "O. K.," "Cerro Gordo," "J. F. K.," etc. During this time he
+projected "The Aurora Borealis," which was published in Boston. It was
+really one of the most handsome and humorous journals ever commenced in
+the United States, but it was very expensive. After some months' trial,
+"The Aurora Borealis" was abandoned. Mr. Kelly remained in Boston as a
+general literary contributor to various journals until, in 1851, he was
+induced to undertake the management of a paper at Waltham, Mass.,
+entitled "The Waltham Advocate." This enterprise, after six months
+trial, did not offer sufficient inducements to continue it, and Mr.
+Kelly returned with his family to Boston. Whilst in that city, he had
+the misfortune to lose his eldest son, a fine promising boy about five
+years and four months old; he died after a sickness of between two and
+three days. Mr. Kelly was a kind and excellent husband, and affectionate
+father. He doted on his child; and the loss so preyed upon his spirits,
+that it produced a brooding melancholy, which he predicted would
+eventually cause his death. After this time, General Samuel Houston, of
+Texas, made him very advantageous and liberal offers if he would
+establish himself in that State. He left Boston for the purpose, but was
+detained in Philadelphia by the sickness of another favorite child.
+Whilst thus delayed, a proposal was made him to undertake the editorship
+of "The New York Dutchman." He remained in that position about four
+months, when still more advantageous offers were tendered him to conduct
+"The Great West," published at Cincinnati. In September, 1854, he
+reached that city, and entered upon his duties. He continued in the
+discharge of them about four months. In the meanwhile, he had become
+associated with the American party; and induced by those promises which
+politicians make freely, and perform rarely, he left the journal to
+which he was attached, to establish a paper entitled "The American
+Platform." But two numbers of this effort were published. Whilst his
+writings were lively and flowing, he was sick at heart. The loss of his
+son still weighed on his mind, and he was an easy prey to pestilence. He
+was attacked by Asiatic cholera; and died on the 21st of July, 1855,
+after twenty-four hours' illness, leaving a widow and three children to
+mourn his early death. His remains were deposited in Spring Grove
+Cemetery. There rests beneath the soil of that beautiful garden of the
+dead, no form whose impulses in life were more honest, generous, and
+noble, than those which guided the actions of Jonathan F. Kelly.
+
+The writer of this short biography, who only knew Mr. Kelly by his
+literary works, and whose narrative has been made up from the
+information of friends, feels that he would scarcely discharge the duty
+he has assumed, without a few words of reflection upon the fitful
+career so slightly traced. For the useful purpose of life, it may well
+be doubted whether a dull, plodding disposition is not more certain of
+success, than lively, impulsive genius. Perseverance in any one calling,
+with a steady determination to turn aside for no collateral inducements,
+and a patience which does not become discouraged at the first
+disappointment, is necessary to the ultimate prosperity of every man.
+The newspaper business is one which particularly requires constant
+application, a determination to do the best in the present, and a firm
+reliance upon success in the future. There is scarcely a journal or
+newspaper in the United States, which has succeeded without passing
+through severe ordeals, whilst the slow public were determining whether
+it should be patronized, or waiting to discover whether it is likely to
+become permanently established. Mr. Kelly's wanderings in early life
+seem to have tinctured his later career with the hue of instability.
+Ever, it would seem, ready to enlist in any new enterprise, he was led
+to abandon those occupations, which, if persevered in, would probably
+have been triumphant. His life was a constant series of changes, in
+which ill-luck seems to have continually triumphed, because ill-luck was
+not sufficiently striven with. In all these mutations, it will be the
+solace of those who knew and loved him, that however his judgment may
+have led him astray from worldly advantage, his heart was always
+constant to his family. Affectionate and generous in disposition, he was
+true to them; and he persevered in laboring for them under every
+disadvantage. Altering his position--at times an editor--at times an
+assistant-editor--anon changing his business as new hopes were roused
+in his bosom--and then being a mere writer, depending upon the sale of
+his fugitive sketches for the means of support--in all these experiments
+with Fortune, he was ever true to the fond spirit which gently ruled at
+home. For the great purposes, and high moral lessons of existence, a
+faithful, constant heart has a wealth richer and more bountiful than can
+be bought with gold.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS.
+
+ PAGE
+
+ If it ain't Right, I'll make it all Right in the Morning, 33
+ Don't you believe in 'em, 37
+ The old Black Bull, 38
+ Dobbs makes "a Pint," 42
+ Used up, 43
+ The greatest Moral Engine, 50
+ The Story of Capt. Paul, 51
+ Hereditary Complaints, 58
+ Nights with the Caucusers, 59
+ Affecting Cruelty, 64
+ The Wolf Slayer, 65
+ The Man that knew 'em All, 74
+ A severe Spell of Sickness, 79
+ The Race of the Aldermen, 80
+ Getting Square, 85
+ People do differ, 89
+ Bill Whiffletree's Dental Experience, 90
+ A-a-a-in't they Thick? 96
+ A desperate Race, 101
+ Dodging the Responsibility, 107
+ A Night Adventure in Prairie Land, 108
+ Roosting Out, 114
+ Rather Twangy, 119
+ Passing around the Fodder, 120
+ A Hint to Soyer, 123
+ The Leg of Mutton, 124
+ A Chapter on Misers, 129
+ Dog Day, 133
+ Amateur Gardening, 138
+ The two Johns at the Tremont, 139
+ The Yankee in a Boarding School, 144
+ A dreadful State of Excitement, 149
+ Ralph Waldo Emerson, 154
+ Humbug, 158
+ Hotel keeping, 159
+ "According to Gunter," 164
+ Quartering upon Friends, 165
+ Jake Hinkle's Failings, 174
+ What's going to Happen, 176
+ The Washerwoman's Windfall, 177
+ We don't Wonder at it, 181
+ Old Maguire and his Horse Bonny Doon, 182
+ Getting into the "Right Pew," 187
+ A circuitous Route, 192
+ Major Blink's first Season at Saratoga, 193
+ Old Jack Ringbolt, 198
+ Who killed Capt. Walker? 199
+ Practical Philosophy, 203
+ Borrowed Finery; or, killed off by a Ballet Girl, 204
+ Legal Advice, 209
+ Wonders of the Day, 213
+ "Don't know you, Sir!" 214
+ A circumlocutory Egg Pedler, 219
+ Jolly old Times, 223
+ The Pigeon Express Man, 224
+ Jipson's great Dinner Party, 229
+ Look out for them Lobsters, 236
+ The Fitzfaddles at Hull, 241
+ Putting me on a Platform! 247
+ The exorbitancy of Meanness, 251
+ "Taking down" a Sheriff, 252
+ Governor Mifflin's First Coal Fire, 257
+ Sure Cure, 261
+ Chasing a fugitive Subscriber, 262
+ Ambition, 266
+ Way the Women fixed the Tale-bearer, 267
+ Penalty of kissing your own Wife, 272
+ Mysteries and Miseries of Housekeeping, 274
+ Miseries of a Dandy, 279
+ A juvenile Joe Miller, 284
+ "Selling" a Landlord, 285
+ Scientific Labor, 288
+ Who was that poor Woman? 289
+ Infirmities of Nature, 293
+ Andrew Jackson and his Mother, 294
+ Snaking out Sturgeons, 299
+ Mixing Meanings--Mangling English, 301
+ Waking up the wrong Passenger, 302
+ Genius for Business, 306
+ Have you got any old Boots? 307
+ The Vagaries of Nature, 312
+ A general disquisition on "Hinges," 317
+ Miseries of Bachelorhood, 321
+ The Science of Diddling, 322
+ The re-union; Thanksgiving Story, 324
+ Cabbage _vs._ Men, 330
+ Wanted--A young Man from the Country, 331
+ Presence of Mind, 336
+ The Skipper's Schooner, 337
+ Philosophy of the Times, 340
+ The Emperor and the Poor Author, 341
+ The bigger fool, the better Luck, 352
+ An active Settlement, 356
+ A Yankee in a Pork-house, 357
+ German Caution, 361
+ Ben. McConachy's great Dog Sell, 362
+ The Perils of Wealth, 367
+ Nursing a Legacy, 372
+ The Troubles of a Mover, 377
+ The Question Settled, 382
+ How it's done at the Astor House, 383
+ The Advertisement, 387
+ Incidents in a Fortune-hunter's Life, 400
+ A Distinction with a Difference, 408
+ Pills and Persimmons, 409
+ Mysteries and Miseries of the Life of a City Editor, 414
+ The Tribulations of Incivility, 415
+ The Broomstick Marriage, 420
+ Appearances are Deceitful, 427
+ Cigar Smoke, 431
+ An everlasting tall Duel, 432
+
+ * * * * *
+
+ THE HUMORS OF FALCONBRIDGE.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+If it ain't right, I'll make it all right in the Morning!
+
+
+A keen, genteely dressed, gentlemanly man "put up" at Beltzhoover's
+Hotel, in Baltimore, one day some years ago, and after dining very
+sumptuously every day, drinking his Otard, Margieux and Heidsic, and
+smoking his "Tras," "Byrons," and "Cassadoras," until the landlord began
+to surmise the "bill" getting voluminous, he made the clerk foot it up
+and present it to our modern Don Caesar De Bazan, who, casting his eye
+over the long lines of perpendicularly arranged figures, discovered
+that--which in no wise alarmed him, however--he was in for a matter of a
+cool C!
+
+"Ah! yes, I see; _well_, I presume it's all right, all correct, sir, no
+doubt about it," says Don Caesar.
+
+"No doubt at all, sir," says the polite clerk,--"we seldom present a
+bill, sir, until the gentlemen are about to leave, sir; but when the
+bills are unusually large, sir--"
+
+"Large, sir? Large, my dear fellow"--says the Don--"bless your soul, you
+don't call _that_ large? Why, sir, a--a--that is, when I was in
+Washington, at Gadsby's, sir, bless you, I frequently had my friends
+of the Senate and the Ministers to dine at my rooms, and what do you
+suppose my bills averaged a week, there, sir?"
+
+"I can't possibly say, sir--must have counted up very _heavy_, sir, I
+think," responds the clerk.
+
+"Heavy! ha! ha! you may well say they were _heavy_, my dear
+fellow--_five and eight hundred dollars a week!_" says the Don, with a
+nonchalance that would win the admiration of a flash prince of the
+realm.
+
+"O, no doubt of it, sir; it is very expensive to keep company, and
+entertain the government officers, at Washington, sir," the clerk
+replies.
+
+"You're right, my dear fellow; you're right. But let me see," and here
+the Don stuck a little glass in the corner of his eye, and glanced at
+the bill; "ah, yes, I see, $102.51--a--a--something--all right, I
+presume; if it ain't right, _we'll make it all right in the morning_."
+
+"Very good, sir; that will answer, sir," says the clerk, about to bow
+himself out of the room.
+
+"One moment, if you please, my dear fellow; that Marteux of yours is
+really superb. A friend dined here yesterday with me--he is a--a
+gentleman who imports a--a great deal of wine; he a--a--pronounces your
+Schreider an elegant article. I shall entertain some friends to-night,
+here, and do you see that we have sufficient of that 'Marteux' and
+'Schreider' cooling for us; my friends are judges of a pure article, and
+a--a I wish them to have a--a good opinion of your house. Understand?"
+
+"Ah, yes, sir; that'll be all right," says the clerk.
+
+"Of course; if it ain't, I'll make it all right in the morning!" says
+the Don Caesar, as the official vanished.
+
+"Well, Charles, did you present that gentleman's bill?" asks the host of
+the clerk, as they met at "the office."
+
+"Yes, sir; he says it's all right, or he'll make it all right in the
+morning, sir," replies the clerk.
+
+"Very well," says the anxious host; "_see that he does it_."
+
+That evening a Captain Jones called on Don Caesar--a servant carried up
+the card--Captain Jones was requested to walk up. Lieutenant Smith, U.
+S. N., next called--"walk up." Dr. Brown called--"walk up." Col. Green,
+his card--"walk up;" and so on, until some six or eight distinguished
+persons were walked up to Don Caesar's private parlor; and pretty soon
+the silver necks were brought up, corks were popping, glasses were
+clinking, jests and laughter rose above the wine and cigars, and Don
+Caesar was putting his friends through in the most approved style!
+
+Time flew, as it always does. Capt. Jones gave the party a bit of a
+salt-water song, Dr. Brown pitched in a sentiment, while Colonel Green
+and Lieutenant Smith talked largely of the "last session," what _their_
+friend Benton said to Webster, and Webster to Benton, and what Bill
+Allen said to 'em both. And Miss Corsica, the French Minister's
+daughter, what she had privately intimated to Lieutenant Smith in regard
+to American ladies, and what the Hon. so and so offered to do and say
+for Colonel Green, and so and so and so and so. Still the corks
+"popped," and the glasses jingled, and the merry jest, and the laugh
+jocund, and the rich sentiment, and richer fumes of the cigars filled
+the room.
+
+Don Caesar kept on hurrying up the wine, and as each bottle was uncorked,
+he assured the servants--"All right; if it ain't all right, _we'll make
+it all right in the morning!_"
+
+And so Don Caesar and his _bon vivant_ friends went it, until some two
+dozen bottles of Schreider, Hock, and Sherry had decanted, and the whole
+entire party were getting as merry as grigs, and so noisy and
+rip-roarious, that the clerk of the institution came up, and standing
+outside of the door, sent a servant to Don Caesar, to politely request
+that gentleman to step out into the hall one moment.
+
+"What's that?" says the Don; "speak loud, I've got a buzzing in my ears,
+and can't hear whispers."
+
+"Mr. Tompkins, sir, the clerk of the house, sir," replies the servant,
+in a sharp key.
+
+"Well, what the deuce of Tompkins--hic--what does he--hic--does he want?
+Tell--hic--tell him it's--hic--all right, or we'll make it all
+right--hic--_in the morning_."
+
+Mr. Tompkins then took the liberty of stepping inside, and slipping up
+to Don Caesar, assured him that himself and friends were _a little too
+merry_, but Don Caesar assured Tompkins--
+
+"It's all--hic--right, mi boy, all--hic--right; these
+gentlemen--hic--are all _gentlemen_, my--hic--personal friends--hic--and
+it's all right--hic--all perfectly--hic--right, or we'll make it all
+right in the morning."
+
+"That we do not question, sir," says the clerk, "but there are many
+persons in the adjoining rooms whom you'll disturb, sir; I speak for the
+credit of the house."
+
+"O--hic--certainly, certainly, mi boy; I'll--hic--I'll speak to the
+gentlemen," says the Don, rising in his chair, and assuming a very
+solemn graveness, peculiar to men in the fifth stage of libation deep;
+"Gentlemen--hic--_gentle_men, I'm requested to state--hic--that--hic--a
+very _serious_ piece of intelligence--hic--has met my ear. This
+_gentle_man--hic--says somebody's dead in the next--hic--room."
+
+"Not at all, sir; I did not say that, sir," says the clerk.
+
+"Beg--hic--your pardon, sir--hic--it's all right; if it ain't all right,
+I'll make it--hic--_all right in the morning!_ Gentlemen, let's--hic--us
+all adjourn; let's change the see--hic--scene, call a
+coach--hic--somebody, let's take a ride--hic--and return and go
+to--hic--our pious--hic--rest."
+
+Having delivered this order and exhortation, Don Caesar arose on his
+pins, and marshalling his party, after a general swap of hats all
+around, in which trade big heads got smallest hats, and small heads got
+largest hats, by aid of the staircase and the servants, they all got to
+the street, and lumbering into a large hack, they started off on a
+midnight airing, noisy and rip-roarious as so many sailors on a land
+cruise. The last words uttered by Don Caesar, there, as the coach drove
+off, were:
+
+"All right--hic--mi boy, if it ain't, _we'll make it all right in the
+morning!_"
+
+"Yes, that we will," says the landlord, "and if I don't stick you into a
+bill of costs '_in the morning_,' rot me. You'll have a nice time," he
+continued, "out carousing till daylight; lucky I've got his wallet in
+the fire-proof, the jackass would be robbed before he got back, _and I'd
+lose my bill!_"
+
+Don Caesar did not return to make good his promise _in the morning_, and
+so the landlord took the liberty of investigating the wallet, deposited
+for safe keeping in the fire-proof of the office, by the Don; and lo!
+and behold! it contained old checks, unreceipted bills, and a few
+samples of Brandon bank notes, with this emphatic remark:--"All right,
+if it ain't all right, WE'LL MAKE IT ALL RIGHT IN THE MORNING!"
+
+
+
+
+Don't you believe in 'em?
+
+
+We are astounded at the incredulity of some people. Every now and then
+you run afoul of somebody who does not believe in spiritual knockers.
+Enter any of our drinking saloons, take a seat, or stand up, and look on
+for an hour or two, especially about the time "churchyards yawn!" and if
+you are any longer skeptical upon the _spirit_-ual manifestations as
+exhibited in the knee pans, shoulder joints, and thickness of the tongue
+of the _mediums_,--education would be thrown away on you.
+
+
+
+
+The Old Black Bull
+
+
+It's poor human natur', all out, to wrangle and quarrel now and then,
+from the kitchen to the parlor, in church and state. Even the fathers of
+the holy tabernacle are not proof against this little weakness; for
+people will have passions, people will belong to meetin', and people
+will let their passions _rise_, even under the pulpit. But we have no
+distinct recollection of ever having known a misdirected, but properly
+interpreted _letter_, to settle a chuckly "plug muss," so efficiently
+and happily as the case we have in point.
+
+Old John Bulkley (grandson of the once famous President _Chauncey_) was
+a minister of the gospel, and one of the best _edicated_ men of his day
+in the wooden nutmeg State, when the immortal (or ought to be) Jonathan
+Trumbull was "around," and in his youth. Mr. Bulkley was the first
+_settled_ minister in the town of his adoption, Colchester, Connecticut.
+It was with him, as afterwards with good old brother Jonathan (Governor
+Trumbull, the bosom friend of General Washington), good to confer on
+almost any matter, scientific, political, or religious--any subject, in
+short, wherein common sense and general good to all concerned was the
+issue. As a philosophical reasoner, casuist, and _good_ counselor, he
+was "looked up to," and abided by.
+
+It so fell out that a congregation in Mr. Bulkley's vicinity got to
+loggerheads, and were upon the apex of raising "the evil one" instead of
+a spire to their church, as they proposed and _split_ upon. The very
+nearest they could come to a mutual cessation of the hostilities, was to
+appoint a _committee_ of three, to wait on Mr. Bulkley, state their
+_case_, and get him to adjudicate. They waited on the old gentleman, and
+he listened with grave attention to their conflicting grievances.
+
+"It appears to me," said the old gentleman, "that this is a very simple
+case--a very trifling thing to cause you so much vexation."
+
+"So I say," says one of the _committee_.
+
+"I don't call it a trifling case, Mr. Bulkley," said another.
+
+"No case at all," responded the third.
+
+"It ain't, eh?" fiercely answered the first speaker.
+
+"No, it ain't, sir!" quite as savagely replied the third.
+
+"It's anything but a trifling case, anyhow," echoed number two, "to
+expect to raise the minister's salary and that new steeple, too, out of
+our small congregation."
+
+"There is no danger of raising much out of _you_, anyhow, Mr. Johnson,"
+spitefully returned number one.
+
+"Gentlemen, if you please--" beseechingly interposed the sage.
+
+"I haven't come here, Mr. Bulkley, to quarrel," said one.
+
+"Who started this?" sarcastically answered Mr. Johnson.
+
+"Not me, anyway," number three replies.
+
+"You don't say I did, do you?" says number one.
+
+"Gentlemen!--gentlemen!--"
+
+"Mr. Bulkley, you see how it is; there's Johnson--"
+
+"Yes, Mr. Bulkley," says Johnson, "and there's old Winkles, too, and
+here's Deacon Potter, also."
+
+"I _am_ here," stiffly replied the deacon, "and I am sorry the Reverend
+Mr. Bulkley finds me in such company, sir!"
+
+"Now, gentlemen, _brothers_, if you please," said Mr. Bulkley, "this is
+ridiculous,--"
+
+"So I say," murmured Mr. Winkles.
+
+"As far as _you_ are concerned, it is ridiculous," said the deacon.
+
+This brought Mr. Winkles _up_, standing.
+
+"Sir!" he shouted, "sir!"
+
+"But my dear _sirs_--" beseechingly said the philosopher.
+
+"Sir!" continued Winkles, "sir! I am too old a man--too good a
+Christian, Mr. Bulkley, to allow a man, a mean, despicable _toad_, like
+Deacon Potter--"
+
+"Do you call me--_me_ a despicable _toad_?" menacingly cried the deacon.
+
+"Brethren," said Mr. Bulkley, "if I am to counsel you in your
+difference, I must have no more of this unchristian-like bickering."
+
+"I do not wish to bicker, sir," said Johnson.
+
+"Nor I don't want to, sir," said the deacon, "but when a man calls me a
+toad, a mean, despicable _toad_--"
+
+"Well, well, never mind," said Mr. Bulkley; "you are all too excited
+now; go home again, and wait patiently; on Saturday evening next, I will
+have prepared and sent to you a written opinion of your case, with a
+full and free avowal of most wholesome advice for preserving your church
+from desolation and yourselves from despair." And the committee left, to
+await his issue.
+
+Now it chanced that Mr. Bulkley had a small farm, some distance from the
+town of Colchester, and found it necessary, the same day he wrote his
+opinion and advice to the brethren of the disaffected church, to drop a
+line to his farmer regarding the fixtures of said estate. Having written
+a long, and of course, elaborate "essay" to his brethren, he wound up
+the day's literary exertions with a despatch to the farmer, and after a
+reverie to himself, he directs the two documents, and next morning
+despatches them to their several destinations.
+
+On Saturday evening a full and anxious synod of the belligerent
+churchmen took place in their tabernacle, and punctually, as promised,
+came the despatch from the Plato of the time and place,--Rev. John
+Bulkley. All was quiet and respectful attention. The moderator took up
+the document, broke the seal, opened and--a pause ensued, while dubious
+amazement seemed to spread over the features of the worthy president of
+the meeting.
+
+"Well, brother Temple, how is it--what does Mr. Bulkley say?" and
+another pause followed.
+
+"Will the moderator please proceed?" said another voice.
+
+The moderator placed the paper upon the table, took off his spectacles,
+wiped the glasses, then his lips--replaced his specs upon his nose, and
+with a very broad _grin_, said:
+
+"Brethren, this appears to me to be a very singular letter, to say the
+least of it!"
+
+"Well, read it--read it," responded the wondering hearers.
+
+"I will," and the moderator began:
+
+"You will see to the repair of the fences, that they be built high and
+strong, and you will take special care _of the old Black Bull_."
+
+There was a general pause; a silent mystery overspread the community;
+the moderator dropped the paper to a "rest," and gazing over the top of
+his glasses for several minutes, nobody saying a word.
+
+"Repair the fences!" muttered the moderator at length.
+
+"Build them strong and high!" echoed Deacon Potter.
+
+"Take special care _of the old Black Bull!_" growled half the meeting.
+
+Then another pause ensued, and each man eyed his neighbor in mute
+mystery.
+
+A tall and venerable man now arose from his seat; clearing his voice
+with a hem, he spoke:
+
+"Brethren, you seem lost in the brief and eloquent words of our learned
+adviser. To me nothing could be more appropriate to our case. It is just
+such a profound and applicable reply to us as we should have hoped and
+looked for, from the learned and good man, John Bulkley. The direction
+to repair the fences, is to take heed in the admission and government of
+our members; we must guard the church by our Master's laws, and keep out
+stray and vicious cattle from the fold! And, above all things, set a
+trustworthy and vigilant watch over that old black bull, who is the
+devil, and who has already broken into our enclosures and sought to
+desolate and lay waste the fair grounds of our church!"
+
+The effect of this interpretation was electrical. All saw and _took_ the
+force of Mr. Bulkley's cogent advice, and unanimously resolved to be
+governed by it; hence the old black bull was put _hors du combat_, and
+the church preserved its union!
+
+
+
+
+Dobbs makes "a Pint."
+
+
+Dobbs walked into a _Dry Goodery_, on Court street, and began to look
+around. A double _jinted_ clerk immediately appeared to Dobbs.
+
+"What can I _do_ for you, sir?" says he.
+
+"A good deal," says Dobbs, "but I bet you won't."
+
+"I'll bet I will," says the knight of the yard-stick, "if I _can_."
+
+"What'll you bet of that?" says the imperturbable Dobbs.
+
+"I'll bet a fourpence!" says the clerk, with a cute _nod_.
+
+"I'll go it," says Dobbs. "Now, trust me for a couple of dollars' wuth
+of yur stuffs!"
+
+"_Lost_, by Ned!" says yard-stick. "Well, there's the fourpence."
+
+"Thank you; call again when I want to _trade!_" says Dobbs.
+
+"Do, if you please; wouldn't like to lose your custom," says the clerk,
+"no how."
+
+Polite young man that--as soon as his chin vegetates, provided his
+dickey don't cut his throat, he'll be arter the gals, Dobbs thinks!
+
+
+
+
+Used Up.
+
+
+I am tempted to believe, that few--very few men can start in the
+world--say at twenty, with a replete invoice of honesty, free and
+easy--kind, generous--good-natured disposition, and keep it up, until
+they greet their fortieth year. There are, doubtless, plenty of men--I
+hope there are, who _would_ be entirely and perfectly generous-hearted,
+if they _could_, with any degree of consistency; and I know there are
+multitudes who wouldn't exhibit an honorable or manly trait, of any
+human description, if they could. That class thrive best, it appears to
+me--if the accumulation of dollars and dimes be Webster, Walker, or
+Scriptural interpretation of that sense--in this sublunary world.
+Meanness and dishonesty win what good nature and honesty lose, hence the
+more thrift to the former, and the less gain, pecuniarily considered, to
+the latter. The subject is very prolific, and as my present purpose is
+as much to point a humorous _sketch_ as to adorn a _moral_, I needs must
+cut speculative philosophistics for facts, in the case of my friend John
+Jenks, an emphatic--"used up" good fellow.
+
+Jenks started in this world with a first-rate opinion of himself and the
+rest of mankind. No man ever started with a larger capital of good
+nature, human benevolence, and common honesty, than honest John. Few men
+ever started with better general prospects, for "a good time," and
+plenty of it, than Jenks. He _graduated_ with honor to himself and the
+Institute of his native State, and with but little knowledge beyond the
+college library and the social circles of his immediate friends. At
+twenty-three, John Jenks went into business on his own hook.
+
+Of course John soon formed various and many business acquaintances; he
+learned that men were brothers--should love, honor, and respect one
+another, from precepts set him at his father's fireside. He formed the
+opinion, that this brotherhood was not to be alienated in matters of
+business, for he never refused to act kindly to all; he freely loaned
+his _autograph_ and purse to his business acquaintances; but, being
+backed up by a snug business capital, he seldom felt the necessity of
+claiming like accommodation, or he would have gotten his eye teeth cut
+cheaper and sooner.
+
+"Jenks," said a business man, stopping in at Jenks' counting room one
+September morning, "Perkins & Ball, I see, have _stopped_--gone to
+smash!"
+
+"Have they?" quickly responded Jenks.
+
+"They have, and a good many fingers will be burnt by them," replied the
+informant. "By the way, Barclay says you have some of their _paper_ on
+hand; is it true?" continued the man.
+
+"I have some, not much," answered Jenks--"not enough at all events to
+create any alarm as to their willingness or ability to take it up."
+
+But in looking over his "accounts," Jenks found a considerably larger
+amount of Perkins & Ball's _paper_ on hand, than an experienced business
+man might have contemplated with entire Christian resignation. The
+gazette, in the course of a few days, gave publicity to the _smash_ of
+the house of Perkins, Ball & Co. There was a buzz "on 'change;" those
+losers by the _smash_ were bitter in their denunciatory remarks, while
+those gaining by the transaction snickered in their sleeves and kept
+mum. Jenks heard all, and said nothing. He reasoned, that if the firm
+were _smashed_ by imprudences, or through dishonest motives, they were
+getting "an elegant sufficiency" of public and private vituperation,
+without his aid. Though far from his thoughts of entering into such
+"lists," and inclined to hold on and see how things come out--Jenks,
+for the credit of common humanity, seldom recapitulated the amount, by
+discounting, &c.--he was likely to be _in_ for, if P. & B. were really
+"done gone." This resolve, like some _rules_, worked both ways.
+
+As "honest John" was drawing on his gloves to leave his commercial
+institution, after the above occurrences had had some ten days' _grace_;
+one evening, the senior partner of the house of Perkins & Ball came in.
+Greetings were cordial, and in the private office of Jenks, an hour's
+discourse took place between the merchants; which, in brief
+transcription, may be summed up in the fact, that Jenks received a
+two-third indemnification on all _his_ liabilities _for_ the _smashed_
+house of P. & B., which the senior partner assured him, arose from the
+fact of his, Jenks', gentlemanly forbearance in not joining the clamor
+against them, in the adverse hour, nor pushing his claims, when he had
+reason to believe that they were down; quite down at the heel. Jenks
+"hoped" he should never be found on the wrong or even doubtful side of
+humanity, gentlemanly courtesy, or Christian kindness; they shook hands
+and parted; the senior partner of the exploded firm requesting, and
+Jenks agreeing, to say every thing he could towards sustaining the honor
+of the house of P. & B., and recreating its now almost extinguished
+credit. Those who fought the bankrupt merchants most got the least, and
+because Jenks preserved an undisturbed serenity, when it was known that
+he was as deeply a loser, they supposed, as any one, they were staggered
+at his philosophy, or amused at his extreme good nature. This latter
+result seemed the most popular and accepted notion of Jenks' character,
+and proved the ground-work of his pecuniary destruction.
+
+The firm of Perkins & Ball crept up again; Jenks had, on all occasions,
+spoken in the most favorable terms of the firm; he not only freely
+endorsed again for them, but stood their _referee_ generally. In the
+meantime, Jenks' celebrity for good nature and open-heartedness had
+drawn around him a host of patrons and admirers. Jenks' name became a
+circulating medium for half his business acquaintances. If Brown was
+short in his cash account, five hundred or a thousand dollars----
+
+"Just run over to Jenks'," he'd say to his clerk; "ask him to favor me
+with a check until the middle of the week." It was done.
+
+"Terms--thirty days with good endorsed paper," was sufficient for the
+adventurous Smith to _buy_ and depend on Jenks' _autograph_ to _secure_
+the goods. When in funds, Bingle went where he chose; when a little
+_short_, Jenks had his patronage. Jenks kept but few memorandums of acts
+of kindness he daily committed; hence when the evil effects of them
+began to revolve upon him--if not mortified or ashamed of his
+"bargains," he at least was astounded at the results. Brown, whose due
+bills or memorandums Jenks held, to the amount of seven thousand
+dollars, accommodation _loans_, took an apoplectic, one warm summer's
+day, after taking a luxurious dinner. Jenks had hardly learned that
+Brown's affairs were pronounced in a state of deferred bankruptcy, when
+the first rumor reached him that Smith had _bolted_, after a heavy
+transaction in "woolens"--Jenks his principal endorser--Smith not
+leaving assets or assigns to the amount of one red farthing.
+
+"By Jove!" poor Jenks muttered, as he tremulously seated himself in his
+back counting room--"that's shabby in Smith--very shabby."
+
+The next morning's Gazette informed the community that Bingle had
+failed--liabilities over $200,000--prospects barely giving hopes of ten
+per cent, all around; and even this hope, upon Jenks' investigation,
+proved a forlorn one; by a _modus operandi_ peculiar to the heartless,
+self-devoted, _they_ got all, Jenks and the _few_ of his ilk, got
+nothing!
+
+For the first time in his life, Jenks became pecuniarily moody. For the
+first time, in the course of his mercantile career, of some six years,
+the force of reflection convinced him, that he had not acted his part
+judiciously, however "well done" it might be, in point of honor and
+manliness.
+
+The next day Jenks devoted to a scrutiny of his accounts in general with
+the business world. He found things a great deal "mixed up;" his
+balance-sheet exhibited large surplusages accumulated on the score of
+his leniency and good nature; by the credit of those with whom he held
+business relations. A council of war, or expediency, rather,--_solus_,
+convinced Jenks, he had either mistaken his business qualifications, or
+formed a very vague idea of the soul--manners and customs of the
+business world; and he broke up his council, a sadder if not a wiser
+man.
+
+"By Jove, this is discouraging; I'll have to do a very disagreeable
+thing, very disagreeable thing: _make an assignment!_"
+
+"Who'd thought John Jenks would ever come to that?" that individual
+muttered to himself, as he proceeded to his hotel. And ere he reached
+his plate, at the tea-table, a servant whispered that a gentleman with a
+message was out in the "office" of the hotel, anxious to see Mr. Jenks.
+
+"Mr. Jenks--John Jenks, I believe, sir?" began the person, as poor
+Jenks, now on the _tapis_ for more ill news, approached the person in
+waiting.
+
+"Precisely, that's my name, sir," Jenks responded.
+
+"Then," continued the stranger, "I've disagreeable business with you,
+Mr. Jenks; _I hold your arrest!_"
+
+"Good God!" exclaimed Jenks; "my arrest? What for?"
+
+"There's the writ, sir; you can read it."
+
+"A _writ_? Why, God bless you, man, I don't _owe_ a dollar in the world,
+but what I can liquidate in ten minutes!"
+
+"Oh, it's not debt, sir; you may see by the writ it's _felony!_"
+
+If the man had drawn and cocked a revolver at Jenks, the effect upon his
+nervous system could not have been more startling or powerful. But he
+recovered his self-possession, and learned with dismay, that he was
+arrested--yes, _arrested_ as an accessory to a grand scheme of fraud and
+general villany, on the part of Smith, a conclusion arrived at, by those
+most interested, upon discovery that Jenks had pronounced Smith "good,"
+and endorsed for him in sums total, enormously, far beyond Jenks' actual
+ability to make good!
+
+It was in vain Jenks declared, and no man before ever dreamed of
+doubting his word, his entire ability to meet all liabilities of his own
+and others, for whom he kindly become responsible; for when the _bulk_
+of Smith's _paper_ with Jenks' endorsement was thrust at him, he gave
+in; saw clearly that he was the victim of a heartless _forger_.
+
+But his calmness, in the midst of his affliction, triumphed, and he
+rested comparatively easy in jail that night, awaiting the bright future
+of to-morrow, when his established character, and "troops of friends"
+should set all right. But, poor Jenks, he reckoned indeed without his
+host; to-morrow came, but not "a friend in need;" they saw, in their
+far-reaching wisdom, a sinking ship, and like sagacious rats, they
+deserted it!
+
+"I always thought Jenks a very good-natured, or a very _deep_ man," said
+one.
+
+"I knew he was too generous to last long!" said another.
+
+"I told him he was _green_ to endorse as freely as he did," echoed a
+third.
+
+"Good fellow," chimed a fourth--"but devilish imprudent."
+
+"He knows what he's at!" cunningly retorted a fifth, and so the good
+but misguided Jenks was disposed of by his "troops of friends!"
+
+But Perkins & Ball--they had got up again, were flourishing; they, Jenks
+felt satisfied, would not show the "white feather," and the thought came
+to him, in his prison, as _merrily_ as the reverse of that fond hope
+made him _sad_ and sorrowful, when at the close of day, his attorney
+informed him, that Perkins & Ball regretted his perplexing situation,
+but proffered him no aid or comfort. They said, sad experience had shown
+them, that there were no "bowels of compassion" in the world for the
+fallen; men must trust to fortune, God, and their own exertions, to
+defeat ill luck and rise from difficulties; _they_ had done so; Mr.
+Jenks must not despair, but surmount his misfortunes with a stout heart
+and a clear conscience, and profit, as they had, _by reverses!_
+
+"Profit!" said Jenks, in a bitter tone, "_profit_ by reverses as _they_
+have!"
+
+"Why, Powers," he continued to his counsel, "do you know that if I had
+been a tithe part as base and conscienceless as they are _now_, Perkins
+& Ball would be beggars, if not inmates of this prison! Yes, sir, my
+casting vote, of all the rest, would have done it. But no matter; I had
+hoped to find, in a community where I had been useful, generous and
+just, friends enough for all practical purposes, without carrying my
+business difficulties to the fireside of my parents and other relations.
+But that I must do now; if, _if they fail me, then---- I cave!_"
+
+Two days after that conference of the lawyer and the merchant, "honest
+John" learned, with sorrow, that his father was dead; estate involved,
+and his friends at home in no favorable mood in reference to what they
+heard of John Jenks and his "bad management" in the city.
+
+John Jenks--heard no more--he "caved!" as he agreed to.
+
+We pass over Jenks' _Smithsonian_ difficulty, which a prudent lawyer and
+discerning jury brought out all right.
+
+We come to 1850--some fifteen or eighteen years after John Jenks
+"caved." The John Jenks of 183- had been ruined by his good nature, set
+adrift moneyless, in a manner, with even a spotted reputation to begin
+with; he "profited by his reverses," he was now a man of family--fifty,
+fat, and wealthy, and altogether the meanest and most selfish man you
+ever saw!
+
+Jenks freely admits his originality is entirely--"_used up!_" The reader
+may affix the _moral_ of my sketch--at leisure.
+
+
+
+
+The Greatest Moral Engine.
+
+
+Say what you will, it's no use talking, poverty is more potent and
+powerful, as a moral engine, than all the "sermons and soda water," law,
+logic, and prison discipline, ever started. All a man wants, while he
+_has_ a chance to be honest, and to get along smoothly, is a good
+situation and two dollars a day; give him five dollars a day, and he
+gets lazy and careless; while at ten, or a hundred a day, he is sure to
+cultivate beastly feeling, eat and sleep to stupefaction, become a
+_roue_, or a rotten politician. A poor man, in misery, applies to God
+for consolation, while a rich man applies to his banker, and tries on a
+"bender," or goes on a tour to Europe, and studies foreign folly and
+French license. Poverty is great; in a Christian community, or a
+thriving village, it is equal to "martial law," in suppressing moral
+rebellion and keeping down the "dander!" And how faithful, too, is
+poverty, says Dr. Litterage, for it sticks to a man after all his
+friends and the rest of mankind have deserted him!
+
+
+
+
+The Story of Capt. Paul.
+
+
+I love to speak, I love to write of the mighty West. I have passed ten
+happy and partly pleasant years travelling over the immense tracts of
+land of the West and South. I have, during that time, garnered up
+endless themes for my pen. It was my custom, during my travels, to keep
+a "log," as the mariners have it, and at the close of the day I always
+noted the occurrences that transpired with me or others, when of
+interest, and opportunities were favorable to do so.
+
+Several years ago I was stopping at Vevay, Indiana, a small village on
+the Ohio river, waiting for a steamboat to touch there and take me up to
+Louisville, Ky. It was in the fall of the year, water was very low, and
+but few boats running. Shortly after breakfast, I took my rifle and
+ammunition and started down along the river to amuse myself, and kill
+time by hunting. Game was scarce, and after strolling along until noon,
+I got tired and came out to the river to see if any boats were in sight,
+as well as take shelter from a heavy shower of rain that had come on. I
+sought an immense old tree, whose broad crown and thick foliage made my
+shelter as dry as though under a roof, and here I sat down, bending my
+eyes along the placid, quiet and noble river, until I was quite lost in
+silent reverie. The rain poured down, and presently I heard a footstep
+approaching from the woods behind, and at the same moment a rough, curly
+dog came smelling along towards me. The dog came up to within a few rods
+of me and stopped, took a grin at me and then disappeared again. But
+my further anxiety was soon relieved by the appearance of a tall,
+gaunt man, dressed in the usual costume of a western woodsman, jean
+trowsers, hunting shirt, old slouched felt hat, rifle, powder horn,
+bullet pouch, and sheath knife. He was an old man, face sallow and
+wrinkled, and hair quite a steelish hue.
+
+"Mornin', stranger," said he; "rayther a wet day for game?"
+
+I replied in the affirmative, and welcomed him to my shelter. Having
+taken a seat near me, on the fallen trunk of a small tree, the old man,
+half to himself and partly to me, sighed--
+
+"Ah! yes, yes, _our_ day is fast gwoin over; an entire new set of folks
+will soon people this country, and the old settler will be all gone, and
+no more thought of."
+
+"I imagine," said I, interrupting his soliloquy, "that you are an old
+settler, and have noted vast, wonderful changes here in the Ohio
+Valley?"
+
+"Wonderful; yes, yes, stranger, thar you're right; I have seen wonderful
+changes since I first squatted 'yer, thirty-five years ago. Every thing
+changes about one so, that I skearse know the old river any more. 'Yer
+they've brought their steamboats puffin', and blowin', and skeerin' off
+the game, fish, and alligators. 'Yer they've built thar towns and thar
+store houses, and thar nice farm houses, and keep up sich a clatter and
+noise among 'em all, that one fond of our old quiet times in the woods,
+goes nigh bein' distracted with these new matters and folks."
+
+"Well," said I, "neighbor, you old woodsmen will have to do as the
+Indians have done, and as Daniel Boone did, when the advancing axe of
+civilization, and the mighty steam and steel arms of enterprise and
+improvement make the varmints leave their lairs, and the air heavy and
+clamorous with the gigantic efforts of industry, genius, and wealth, you
+must _fall back_. Our territories are boundless, and there are yet
+dense forests, woods, and wilds, where the Indian, lone hunter, and
+solitary beast, shall rove amid the wild grandeur of God's infinite
+space for a century yet to come."
+
+"Ah, yes, yes, young man; I should have long since up stakes and rolled
+before this sweeping tide of new settlers, only I can't bar to leave
+this tract 'yer; no, stranger, I can't bar to do it."
+
+"Doubtless," I replied; "one feels a strong love for old homes, a
+lingering desire to lay one's bones to their final resting place, near a
+spot and objects that life and familiarity made dear."
+
+"Yes, yes, stranger, that's it, that's it. But look down thar--thar's
+what makes this spot dear to me--thar, do you see yon little
+hillock--yon little mound? Thar's what keeps old Tom Ward 'yer for
+life."
+
+The old man seemed deeply affected, and sighed heavily, as he wiped the
+moisture from his eyes with the back of his hand. I gazed down towards
+the spot he had called my attention to, and there I beheld, indeed,
+something resembling a solitary and lonely grave; wild flowers bloomed
+around it, and a flat stone stood at the head, and a small stake at the
+foot.
+
+"'Tisn't often one comes this way to ask the question, and the Lord
+knows, stranger, I'm always willing to tell the sad story of that lonely
+grave. Well, well, it's no use to grieve always, the red whelps have
+paid well for thar doins, and now, but few of 'em are spared to
+repent--the Lord forgive 'em all," to which I involuntarily
+echoed--"Amen!"
+
+"Well, stranger, you see, about five-and-thirty years ago, I left
+Western Virginia to come down 'yer in the Ohio valley. I well remember
+the first glimpse I got of this stream; it war a big stream to me, and I
+gloried in the sight of it. Thar war but few settlements then upon its
+banks, and thar war none of your roarin', splashin' steamboats about;
+but I like the steamboats--thar grand creatures, and go it like
+high-mettled horses. Well, I war a young man then; me and my brother and
+our old mother joined in with a neighbor, built a family boat, put in
+our goods, and started off down the stream, towards the lower part thar
+of Kentucky.
+
+"Captain Paul, our neighbor, war an old woodsman, though he war a young
+man; he had a wife and several fine, growin' children along with us, and
+our journey for many days war prosperous and pleasant. Capt. Paul's
+wife's sister war along with us, a fine young creature she war too. My
+brother and her I always carc'lated would make a match of it when we
+reached our journey's end; but poor Ben, God bless the boy, he little
+dreampt he'd be cut off so soon in the prime of life, and leave his
+bones 'yer to rot. I war young too, then, and little thought I should
+ever come to be this old, withered-up creature you see me now,
+stranger."
+
+"Why, you appear to be a hearty, hale man yet," said I, encouraging the
+old man to proceed in his narrative, "and no doubt shoot as well and see
+as keenly and far as ever?"
+
+"Ay, ay, I can drive a centre purty well yet; but my hand begins to
+tremble sometimes, and I'm failing--yes, yes, I know I'm failing. But,
+to go on with my story: I acted as sort of pilot. Then the country were
+yet pretty full of Ingins, and mighty few cabins war made along the
+river in them times. The whites and red-skins war eternally fighting. I
+won't say which war to blame; the whites killed the creatures off fast
+enough, and the Ingins took plenty of scalps and war cruel to the white
+man whenever they fastened on him.
+
+"Our old ark or boat war well loaded down; a few loose boards served as
+a shelter from the sun and rain, and a few planks spiked to the sides
+'bove water, kept the swells from rollin' in on us. Two black boys
+helped the captain and I to manage the boat, and an old black woman
+waited on the wimin folks and did the cooking.
+
+"You see yon pint thar, up the river?" continued the narrator, pointing
+his long, bony finger towards a great bend, and a point on the Kentucky
+side of the stream.
+
+"Yes," I replied, "I see it distinctly."
+
+"Well, it war thar, or jest above thar, about sunset of a pleasant day,
+that we came drifting along with our flat-boat, or _broad horn_, as they
+were called in them days, when Captain Paul said he thought it would be
+a snug place just behind the pint, to tie up to them same big trees yet
+standin' thar as they did then. Ben, poor Ben and I concluded too, it
+would be a clever place to camp for the night; so we headed the boat
+in--for, you see, we always kept in the middle of the stream, as near as
+possible, to keep clear of the red skins who committed a mighty heap of
+depredations upon the movers and river traders, by decoyin' the boat on
+shore, or layin' in ambush and firin' their rifles at the incautious
+folks in the boats that got too nigh 'em. Guina and Joe, the two black
+boys, rowed enough to get around the pint. We had no fear of the Ingins,
+as we expected we war beyond thar haunts just thar; mother war gettin'
+out the supper things, and Captain Paul's wife and sister were nestling
+away the children. Just then, as we got cleverly under the lee of the
+shore thar, I heard a crack like a dry stick snappin' under foot--
+
+"'Thar's a deer or bar,' said the captain.
+
+"'Hold on your oars,' says I--'boys, I don't like that--it 'tain't a
+deer's tread, nor a bar's nether,' says I.
+
+"By this time we had got within thirty yards of the bank--another slight
+noise--the bushes moved, and I sung out--'Ingins, by the Lord! back the
+boat, back, boys, back!'
+
+"Poor Ben snatched up his rifle, so did the captain; but before we could
+get way on the boat, a band of the bloody devils rushed out and gave us
+a volley of shouts and shower of balls, that made these hills and river
+banks echo again. Poor Ben fell mortally wounded and bleeding, into the
+bottom of the boat; two of the captain's children were killed, his wife
+wounded, and a bullet dashed the cap off my head.
+
+"I shouted to the boys to pull, and soon got out of reach of the Ingins.
+They had no canoes, bein' only a scoutin' war party; they could not
+reach us. The wounded horses and cows kicked and plunged among the
+goods, the wimin and children screamed.
+
+"Oh! stranger, it war a frightful hour; one I shall remember to my dyin'
+day, as it war only yesterday I saw and heard it. It war now dark, the
+boat half filled with water, my brother dyin', Captain Paul nerveless
+hangin' over his wife and children, cryin' like a whipped child. I still
+clung on to my oar, and made the poor blacks pull for this side of the
+river, as fast and well as thar bewildered and frightened senses allowed
+'em.
+
+"My poor mother leaned over poor Ben. She held his head in her lap; she
+opened his bosom and the blood flowed out. He still breathed faintly--
+
+"'Benjamin, my son,' said she, 'do you know me?'
+
+"'Mother,' he breathed lowly. Mother tried to have him drink a cup of
+water from the river, but he war past nourishment--and she asked him if
+he knew he war dyin'?
+
+"He gasped, 'Yes, mother, and may the Lord our God in heaven be merciful
+to me, thus cut from you and life, mother--'
+
+"'God's will be done,' cried my mother, as the pale face of her darlin'
+boy fell upon her hand--he was gone.
+
+"We reached shore, but dar not kindle a light, for fear the Ingins might
+be prowlin' about on this side; yes, under this very tree, did we 'camp
+that gloomy night. The whole of us, livin', dead, and wounded, lay 'yer,
+fearin' even to weep aloud. About midnight, I took the two blacks, and
+we dug yon grave and laid poor Ben in it, and the two children by his
+side. It war an awful thing--awful to us all; and our sighs and sobs,
+mingled with the prayers of the old mother, went to God's footstool, I'm
+sure. We made such restin' places as circumstances permitted. I lay
+down, but the cries of poor Captain Paul's wife and sister, cries of the
+two survivin' children, and moans of us all, made sleep a difficult
+affair. By peep of day I went down to the grave, and thar sat the old
+mother. She had sat thar the live-long night; the sudden shock had been
+too much for her.
+
+"Two days afterwards the grave was opened and enlarged, and received two
+more bodies, the wife of Captain Paul, and our kind, good old mother.
+Thirty-five years have now passed. Could I leave this place? No; not a
+day at a time have I missed seeing the grave, when within miles of it.
+No, here must I rest too."
+
+The old man seemed deeply affected. I could not refrain from taking up
+the thread of his narrative to inquire what had become of Captain Paul
+and his wife's sister.
+
+"Well, poor thing, you see it war natural enough for her to love her
+sister's children, and the captain, he couldn't help lovin' her too, for
+that. The captain settled down here, about two miles back, and in a few
+years the sister-in-law and he war man and wife, and a kind, good old
+wife she is too. I've 'camped with 'em ever since, and with 'em I'll
+die, and be put thar--thar, to rest in that little mound with the rest.
+But I must bide my time, stranger--we must all bide our time. Now,
+stranger, I've told you my sad story, I must ax a favor. Seeing as you
+are a town-bred person, perhaps a preacher, I want you to kneel down by
+that grave and make a prayer. I feel that it is a good thing to pray,
+though we woods people know but little about it."
+
+I told him I was not a minister in the common acceptation of the term,
+but considering we all are God's ministers that study God's will and our
+own duty to man, I could pray, did pray, and left the poor woodsman with
+an exalted feeling, I hope, of divine and infinite grace to all who seek
+it.
+
+A boat touched Vevay that evening, and I left, deeply impressed with
+this little story.
+
+
+
+
+Hereditary Complaints.
+
+
+Meanness is as natural to some people, as gutta percha beefsteaks in a
+cheap boarding-house. Schoodlefaker says he saw a striking instance in
+Quincy market last Saturday. An Irish woman came up to a turkey
+merchant, and says she--
+
+"What wud yees be after axin' for nor a chicken like that?"
+
+"That's a turkey, not a chicken," says the merchant.
+
+"Turkey? Be dad an' it's a mighty small turkey--it's stale enough, too,
+I'd be sworn; poor it is, too! What'd yees ax for 'un?"
+
+"Well, seein' it's pooty nigh night, and the last I've got, I'll let you
+have it for _two and six_."
+
+"Two and six? Hoot! I'd give yees half a dollar fur it, and be dad not
+another cint."
+
+"Well," says the _satisfied_ poultry merchant, "take it along; I won't
+dicker for a cent or two."
+
+Mrs. Doolygan paid over the half, boned the turkey, and went on her way
+quite elated with the brilliancy of her talents in financiering! There's
+one merit in meanness, if it disgusts the looker-on, it never fails to
+carry a pleasing sensation to the bosom of the gamester.
+
+
+
+
+Nights with the Caucusers.
+
+
+Office-Seeking has become a legitimatized branch of our every-day
+business, as much so as in former times "reduced gentlemen" took to
+keeping school or posting books. In former times, men took to politics
+to give zest to a life already replete with pecuniary indulgences, as
+those in the "sere and yellow leaf" are wont to take to religion as a
+solacing comfort against things that are past, and pave the way to a
+very desirable futurity. But now, politicians are of no peculiar class
+or condition of citizens; the success of a champion depends not so much
+upon the matter, as upon the manner, not upon the capital he may have in
+real estate, bank funds or public stocks, but upon the fundamental
+principle of "confidence," gutta percha lungs and unmistakable amplitude
+of--brass and bravado! If any man doubts the fact, let him look around
+him, and calculate the matter. Why is it that _lawyers_ are so
+particularly felicitous in running for, securing, and usurping most of
+all the important or profitable offices under government? Lungs--gutta
+percha lungs and everlasting impudence, does it. A man might as well try
+to bail out the Mississippi with a tea-spoon, or shoot shad with a
+fence-rail, as to hope for a seat in Congress, merely upon the
+possession of patriotic principles, or double-concentrated and refined
+integrity. Why, if George Washington was a Virginia farmer to-day, his
+chance for the Presidency wouldn't be a circumstance to that of Rufus
+Choate's, while there is hardly a lawyer attached to the Philadelphia
+bar that would not beat the old gentleman out of his top boots in
+running for the Senate! But we'll _cut_ "wise saws" for a modern
+instance; let us attend a small "caucus" where incipient Demostheneses,
+Ciceros, and Mark Antonies most do congregate, and see things "workin'."
+It is night, a ward meeting of the unterrified, meat-axe,
+non-intervention--hats off--hit him again--butt-enders, have called a
+meeting to _caucus_ for the coming fall contest. "Owing to the
+inclemency of the weather," and other causes too tedious to mention, of
+some eight hundred of the _unterrified, non-intervention--Cuban
+annexation--Wilmot proviso, compromise, meat-axe, hats off--hit him
+again--butt-enders_--only eighty attend the call. Of these eighty
+faithful, some forty odd are on the wing for office; one at least wants
+to work his way up to the gubernatorial chair, five to the Senate, ten
+to the "Assembly," fifteen to the mayoralty, and the balance to the
+custom house.
+
+Now, before the "curtain rises," little knots of the anxious multitude
+are seen here and there about the corners of the adjacent neighborhood
+and in the recesses of the caucus chamber, their heads
+together--caucusing on a small scale.
+
+"Flambang, who'd you think of puttin' up to-night for the _Senate_, in
+our ward?" asks a cadaverous, but earnest _unterrified_, of a brother in
+the same cause.
+
+"Well, I swan, I don't know; what do you think of Jenkins?"
+
+"Jenkins?" leisurely responded the first speaker; "Jenkins is a pooty
+good sort of a man, but he ain't known; made himself rather unpop'ler by
+votin' agin that _grand junction railroad to the north pole_ bill, afore
+the Legislature, three years ago; besides he's served two years in the
+Legislature, and been in the custom house two years; talks of going to
+California or somewhere else, next spring--so I-a, I-a--don't think much
+of Jenkins, anyhow!"
+
+"Well, then," says Flambang, "there's Dr. Rhubarb; what do you think of
+him? He's a sound _unterrified_, good man."
+
+"A--ye-e-e-s, the doctor's pooty good sort of a man, but I don't think
+its good policy to run doctors for office. If they are defeated it sours
+their minds equal to cream of tartar; it spiles their practice, and
+'tween you and I, Flambang, if they takes a spite at a man that didn't
+vote for 'em, and he gets sick, they're called in; how easy it is _for
+'em to poison us!_"
+
+"Good gracious!--you don't say so?"
+
+"I _don't_ say, of course I don't say so of Dr. Rhubarb. I only supposed
+a case," replied the wily _caucuser_.
+
+"A case? Yes-s-s; a feller would be a case, under them circumstances.
+I'm down on doctors, then, Twist; but what do you say to Blowpipes? He's
+one of our best speakers--"
+
+"_Gas!_" pointedly responded Twist.
+
+"Gas? Well, you voted for him last year, when he run for Congress; you
+were the first man to nominate him, too!"
+
+"So I was, and I voted for him, drummed for him, fifed and blowed; that
+was no reason for my thinking him the best man we had for the office.
+He's a demagogue, an ambitious, sly, selfish feller, as we could skeer
+up; but, he was in our way, we couldn't get shut of him; I proposed the
+nomination, and tried to elect him, so that we should get him out of the
+way of our local affairs, and more deserving and less pretendin' men
+could get a chance, don't you see? Now, Flambang, you're the man I'm
+goin' in for to-night!"
+
+"Me! Mr. Twist? Why, bless your soul, I don't want office!"
+
+"Come, now, don't be modest. I'll lay the ground-work, you'll be
+nominated--I'll not be known in it--you'll get the nomination--called
+out for a speech--so be on the trigger--give 'em a rouser, and you're
+in!"
+
+Poor Flambang, a modest, retiring man, peaceable proprietor of a small
+shop, in which, by the force of prudence and economy, he has laid up
+something, has a voice among his fellow-citizens and some influence, but
+would as soon attempt to carry a blazing pine knot into a powder
+magazine, or "ship" for a missionary to the Tongo Islands, as to run for
+the Legislature _and make a speech in public!_ Twist knows it; he
+guesses shrewdly at the effect.
+
+"Why don't you run?" says Flambang, after many efforts to get his
+breath.
+
+"Me? Well, if you don't want to _run_."
+
+"_Run?_ I would as soon think of jumping over the moon, as running for
+office!" answers Flambang. "But I thank you, thank _you_ kindly, for
+your good intentions, for _your_ confidence(!), Twist, and whatever good
+I can do for you, I'll do, and--"
+
+Twist having secured the first step to his _plot_, enters the caucus
+chamber in deep and earnest consultation with Flambang, and while
+preparations are being made to "histe the rag," he is seen making
+converts to his sly purposes, upon the same principle by which he
+converted his modest friend, Flambang.
+
+"Who are you going in for to-night?" asks another "ambitious for
+distinction" _unterrified_ of "a brother."
+
+"Well, I don't know; it's hard to tell; good many wants to be nominated,
+and good many more than will be," was the cogent reply.
+
+"That's a fact!" was the equally clear response. "But 'tween you and I,
+Pepper--I'd like to get the nomination for the Senate myself!"
+
+"No-o-o?"
+
+"Yes, sir; why shouldn't I? Hain't I stood by the party?"
+
+"Well, and hain't I stood by it, hung by it, fastened to it?"
+
+"Pepper, you have; so have I; now, I'll tell you what I'll do. You hang
+by me, for the Senate, and I'll go in for you for the House."
+
+"Agreed; hang by 'em, give 'em a blast, first opening, and while you are
+fifing away for me, I'll go around for you, Captain Johns."
+
+"Flammer, you going to go in for Smithers, to-night?" asks another of
+"the party," of a confederate.
+
+"Smithers? I don't know about that; I don't think he's the right kind of
+a man for mayor, any how; do you?"
+
+"Well, you know he's an almighty peart chap in talkin', and I guess
+he'll be elected, if he's nominated and goes around speaking; but here
+he is; let's feel his pulse." After a confab of some minutes between
+Flammer, Smithers, and Skyblue, things seem to be fixed to mutual
+satisfaction, and something is "dropped" about "go in for me for the
+Mayoralty, I'll go in for you for the Senate," etc.
+
+"Don't let on, that I'm _anxious_, at all, you know," says Smithers, to
+which the two allies Skyblue and Flammer respond--"O, of course not!"
+
+Now the curtain rises, the meeting's organized, with as much formality,
+fuss and fungus as the opening of the House of Parliament; soon is heard
+the work of balloting for nominations, and soon it is known that _Twist_
+is _the_ man for the Senate--this calls _Twist_ out; he spreads--feels
+overpowered--this unexpected (!) event--attending as a spectator, not
+anticipating any thing for himself--proud of the unexpected honor--had
+long served as a _private_ in the ranks of the _unterrified_--die in the
+front of battle, if his friends thought proper, etc., etc. And Twist
+falls back, mid great applause of the multitude, to give way to Capt.
+Johns, who also felt overpowered by the unexpected rush of honor put
+upon him, in connecting his name with the senatorial ticket. He was
+proud of being thought capable of serving his country, etc., etc.; gave
+his friend Pepper "a first-rate notice." Pepper was nominated, made a
+speech, and so highly piled up the agony in favor of Smithers, that
+Smithers was nominated--made a speech in favor of Skyblue and Flammer,
+upon the force of which both were nominated--the wheel within a wheel
+worked elegant; and the organs next day were sublimely eloquent upon the
+result of the grand caucus--candidates--unanimity--etc., etc., of these
+subterranean politicians. So are our great men manufactured for the
+public.
+
+
+
+
+Affecting Cruelty.
+
+
+A hard-fisted "old hunker," who has made $30,000 in fifty-one years, by
+saving up rags, old iron, bones, soap-grease, snipping off the edges of
+halves, quarters, and nine-pences, raised the whole neighborhood t'other
+evening. He came across a full-faced Spanish ninepence, and in an
+attempt to extract the jaw-teeth of the head, the poor thing squealed
+so, that the bells rang, and the South End watchmen hollered fire for
+about an hour! This "old gentleman" has a way of _sweating_ the crosses
+from a smooth fourpence, and makes them look so bran new, that he passes
+them for ten cent pieces! One case of his benevolence is "worthy of all
+praise;" he recently _gave away_ to a poor Irishman's family, a bunch of
+cobwebs, and an old hat he had worn since the battle of Bunker Hill;
+upon these bounties the Irishman started into business; he boiled the
+hunker's hat, and it yielded a bar of soap and a dozen tallow candles!
+If old Smearcase continues to fool away his hard-earned wealth in that
+manner, his friends ought to buy an injunction on his _will!_
+
+
+
+
+The Wolf Slayer.
+
+
+In 1800 the most of the State of Ohio, and nearly all of Indiana, was a
+dense wilderness, where the gaunt wolf and naked savage were masters of
+the wild woods and fertile plains, which now, before the sturdy blows of
+the pioneer's axe, and the farmer's plough, has been with almost magical
+effect converted into rich farms and thriving, beautiful villages.
+
+In the early settlement of the west, the pioneers suffered not only from
+the ruthless savage, but fearfully from the _wolf_. Many are the tales
+of terror told of these ferocious enemies of the white man, and his
+civilization. Many was the hunter, Indian as well as the Angle-Saxon,
+whose bones, made marrowless by the prowling hordes of the dark forest,
+have been scattered and bleached upon the war-path or Indian trail of
+the back-woods. In 1812-13, my father was contractor for the
+north-western army, under command of Gen. Wm. Henry Harrison. He
+supplied the army with beef; he bought up cattle along the Sciota valley
+and Ohio river, and drove them out to the army, then located at
+Sandusky. Chillicothe, then, was a small settlement on the Sciota river,
+and protected by a block house or rude fort, in which the inhabitants
+could scramble if the Indians made their appearance. My father resided
+here, and having collected a large drove of cattle, he set out up the
+valley with a few mounted men as a kind of guard to protect the drove
+against the prowling minions of Tecumseh.
+
+The third day out, late in the afternoon, being very warm weather, there
+arose a most terrific thunder-storm; the huge trees, by the violence of
+the wind and sharp lightning, were uprooted and rent into thousands of
+particles, and the panic-stricken herd scattered in every direction. I
+have seen the havoc made in forests through which one of these tornadoes
+has taken its way, or I should be incredulous to suppose whole acres of
+trees, hundreds of years old, could be torn up, or snapped off like
+reeds upon the river side.
+
+The fury of the whirlwind seemed to increase as the night grew darker,
+until cattle, men and horses, were killed, crippled and dispersed. My
+father crawled under the lee of a large sycamore that had fell, and
+here, partly protected from the rain and falling timber, he lay down. I
+have camped out some, and can readily anticipate the comfort of the old
+gentleman's situation, and not at all disposed was he to go to sleep
+mounted upon such guard.
+
+At length the work of destruction and ruin being done, the storm abated,
+the rain ceased to _pour_ and the winds to wag their noisy tongues so
+furiously. A wolf _howl_, and of all fearful howls, or yelps uttered by
+beasts of prey, none can, I think, be more alarming and terrific to the
+ear than the _wolf_ howl as he scents carnage. A wolf howl broke
+fearfully upon the drover's ear as he lay crouched beneath the sycamore.
+It was a familiar sound, and therefore, and _then_ the more dreadful.
+The drover carried a good Yeager rifle, knife, and pistols, but a man
+laden with arms in the midst of a troop of famished wolves, was as
+helpless as the tempest-tossed mariner in the midst of the ocean's
+storm. The _howl_ had scarcely echoed over the dark wood, before it was
+answered by dozens on every side! And as the drover's keen eye pierced
+the gloom around him, the dancing, fiery glare of the wolf's eyes met
+his wistful gaze.
+
+The forest now resounded with the maddened banqueting beast, and as the
+glaring eyes came nearer and nearer, the drover hugged his Yeager
+tightly, and prepared to defend life while yet it lasted. Suddenly the
+sharp crack of a rifle was heard, and then a loud scream or cry of
+terror burst upon the air, a rushing sound, a man pursued by a troop of
+wolves fled by the drover and his cover; scream after scream rent the
+air, and the drover knew that a companion had fell a victim to the wolf
+in his attempt at self-defence. The night was a long one, and thus,
+among the savage beasts, a fearful one. The report of another rifle
+again broke upon the ear, and again, and again did the hunting iron
+speak, and the wolf howl salute it. A pair of eyes glared hurriedly upon
+the drover, and he could not resist the desire to use his Yeager, and
+the wolf taking the contents of the rifle in his mouth, rolled over,
+while a score rushed up to fill his place. Oh! how dreadful must have
+been the suspense and feelings of the drover as he lay crouched under
+the old tree, surrounded by this horde of glaring eyes, his ears split
+with their awful _howl_, and their hot and venomous breath fairly in his
+face! But the wolf is a base coward, and will not meet a man eye to eye,
+and so protected lay the drover, with his clenched teeth and unquivering
+eye, that the wolf had no chance to attack, but by rushing up to his
+very front. The red tongue lapped, the fierce teeth were arrayed and the
+demon eyes glaring, but the drover quailed not, and the cowardly wolf
+stood at bay. The sharp crack of the distant rifle still smote upon the
+air and the loud howl still went up over the forest around. The first
+faint streaks that deck the sky at morn, the fresh breath of coming day
+caught the keen scent of the bloody prowlers, and they began to skulk
+off. The drover gave the retreating cowards a farewell shot from his
+pistols, tumbled a lank, grey demon over, and the wolf howl soon died
+off in the distance.
+
+Daylight now appeared, and the drover crawled from his lair. His loud
+_whoop!_ to the disbanded men and drove was answered by the neigh of a
+horse, who came galloping up, and proved to be his own good hunter, who
+seemed happy indeed to meet his master. Another _whoop-e_ brought a
+responsive shout, and finally four men out of the twelve, with seven
+horses and a few straggling cattle, were mustered. The forest was strewn
+with torn carcasses of cattle and horses, mostly killed by the falling
+timber, and partly devoured by the ravenous wolves. A few hundred yards
+from the tree where the drover lay, was found a few fragments of
+clothes, the knife and rifle, and a half-eaten body of one of the
+soldiers. He had fought with the desperation of a mad man, and the dead
+and crippled wolves lay as trophies around the bold soldier. In a hollow
+near the river they found a horse and man partly eaten up, and several
+cattle that had apparently been hotly pursued and torn to death by the
+rapacious beasts. They started out in search of the spot from whence the
+drover had heard the firing in the night. They soon discovered the
+place; at the foot of a large dead sycamore stump, some twelve feet high
+lay the carcasses of a dozen or twenty wolves. Each wolf had his scalp
+neatly taken off, and his head elaborately bored by the rifle ball. An
+Indian ladder, that is, a scrubby saplin', trimmed with footholds left
+on it, was laying against the old tree, at the top of which was a sort
+of a rude scaffold, contrived, evidently, by a hunter. At a distance, in
+a hollow, was seen a great profusion of wolf skulls and bones, but no
+sign of a human being could there be traced. The party made a fire, and
+as beef lay plenty around, they regaled themselves heartily, after their
+night of horror and disaster. Having finished their repast, they
+separated, each taking different courses to hunt and drive up such of
+the stray cattle as could be found. My father, whom I have designated as
+the drover, pursued his way over the vast piles of fallen, tangled
+timber, leaping from one tree to the other. As he was about to throw
+himself over the trunk of a mighty prostrate oak, he found himself
+within two feet of one of the largest and most ferocious wolves that
+ever expanded its broad jaws and displayed its fierce tushes to the eye
+of man. Both parties were taken so suddenly by surprise, by this
+collision, that they seemed to be rooted to the spot without power to
+move. I have heard of serpents charming birds, said the drover, but I
+never believed in the theory until I found myself fairly magnetized by
+this great she-wolf. The wolf stood and snarled with its golden fiery
+eye bent upon the drover, who never moved his steady gaze from the
+wolf's face.
+
+There is not a beast in existence that will attack a man if he keeps his
+eyes steady upon the animal, but will cower and sneak off, and so did
+the wolf. But no sooner had she turned her head and with a howl started
+off, than a blue pill from the drover's Yeager split her skull, and
+brought her career to a speedy termination.
+
+_Whoo-ep!_
+
+A shout so peculiar to the lusty lungs of the western hunter made the
+welkin ring again, and as the astonished drover turned towards the
+shouter, he beheld a sight that proved quite as formidable as the wolf
+he had just slain.
+
+"Well done, stranger; you're the man for me; I like you. That shot done
+my heart good, though I was about to do the old she devil's business for
+ye, seeing as you war sort o' close quartered with the varmint."
+
+"Thank you," responded the drover, addressing the speaker, a tall,
+gaunt, iron-featured, weather-beaten figure, with long grey hair, and a
+rude suit of wolf-skin clothing, cap and moccasins. He held in his long
+arms a large rifle, a knife in his belt, and a powder horn slung over
+his side. He seemed the very patriarch of the woods, but good humored,
+and with his rough hilarity soon explained his presence there.
+
+"Well, stranger," said he, "you have had a mighty chance of bad luck yer
+last night, and I never saw them cursed varmints so crazy afore."
+
+"Do you live in these parts?" inquired the drover.
+
+"Ha! ha! yes, yes," replied the hunter. "I live yer, I live anywhar's
+whar wolf can be found. But you don't know me, I reckon, stranger?"
+
+"I do not," said the drover.
+
+"Ha! ha! well, that's quare, mighty quare. I thought thar warn't a man
+this side the blue ridge but what knows me and old _kit_ here, (his
+rifle.) Well, seeing you are a stranger, I'll just take that old
+sarpent's top-knot off, and have a talk with ye."
+
+With this introductory of matters, the hunter in the wolf-skins scalped
+the wolf, and tucking the scalp in his belt, motioned the drover to
+follow. He led the way in deep silence some half a mile to a small
+stream, down which they proceeded for some distance, until they came to
+a low and rudely-constructed cabin. Here the hunter requested the drover
+to take a seat on a log, in front of the cabin, while he entered through
+a small aperture in his hut, and brought forth a pipe, tobacco, and some
+dried meat. These dainties being discussed, old Nimrod the mean time
+kept chuckling to himself, and mumbling over the idea that there should
+be a white man or _Ingin_ this side the blue ridge that didn't know
+_him_.
+
+"Ha! ha! well, well, I swar, it is curious, stranger, that you don't
+know me, _me_ that kin show more _Ingin_ skelps than any white man that
+ever trod these war paths; _me_, who kin shoot more wolves and fetch in
+more of the varmints' skelps in one night than any white man or _Ingin_
+that ever trod this wilderness. But I'm gittin' old, very old,
+forgotten, and here comes a white man clean and straight from the
+settlements and he don't know me; I swar I've lived to be clean ashamed
+o' myself." And with this soliloquy, half to himself and partly
+addressed to the drover, the old hunter seemed almost fit to cry, at his
+imaginary insignificance and dotage.
+
+"But, friend," said the drover, "as you have not yet informed me by what
+name I may call you--"
+
+"_Call_ me, stranger? why I _am_"--and here his eyes glared as he threw
+himself into a heroic attitude--"Chris Green, _old_ Chris Green, the
+_wolf slayer!_ But, God bless ye, stranger, p'r'aps you're from t'other
+side the ridge, and don't know old Chris's history."
+
+"That I frankly admit," replied the drover.
+
+"Well, God bless ye, I love my fellow white men, yes, I do, though I
+live yer by myself, and clothe myself with the varmints' skins, go but
+seldom to the settlements, and live on what old kit thar provides me.
+
+"Well, stranger, my history's a mighty mournful one, but as yer unlucky
+like myself and plenty of business to 'tend to 'fore night, I'll make my
+troubles short to ye.
+
+"Well, you see about thirty years ago, I left the blue ridge with a
+party of my neighbors to come down yer in the Sciota country, to see it,
+and lay plans to drive the cussed red skins clean out of it. Well, the
+red skins appeared rather quiet, what few we fell in with, and monstrous
+civil. But cuss the sarpints, there's no more dependence to be put in
+'em than the cantankerous wolves, and roast 'em, I always sets old kit
+talkin' Dutch to them varmints, the moment I claps eyes on 'em. The
+wolf's my nat'ral inimy--I'd walk forty miles to git old kit a wolf
+skelp. Well, we travelled all over the valley, and we gin it as our
+opinion that the Sciota country was the garden spot o' the world, and if
+we could only defend ourselves 'gainst the inimy we should move right
+down yer at once. We went back home, and the next spring a hull
+settlement on us came down yer. My neighbors thought it best for us all
+to settle down together at Chillicothe, whar a few Ingin huts and cabins
+war. I had a wife, and son and da'ter; now, stranger, I loved 'em as
+dearer to me 'nor life or heart's blood itself. Well, the red skins soon
+began to show their pranks--they stole our cre'ters (horses), shot down
+our cattle, and made all manner o' trouble for the little settlement. At
+last I proposed we should build a clever-sized block house, strong and
+stanch, in which our wimen folks and children, with a few men to guard
+'em, could hold out a few days, while a handful o' us scoured Paint
+hills and the country about, and peppered a few of the cussed red
+devils. We had been out some four or five days when we fell in with the
+inimy; it war just about sunset, and the red skins war camped in a
+hollow close by this spot. We intended to let 'em get through their
+smoking and stretch themselves for the night, and then squar our
+accounts with 'em. Stranger, I've lived in these woods thirty years, I
+never saw such a hurricane as we had yer last night, 'cept once. The
+night we lay in ambush for the _Ingins_, six-and-twenty years ago, thar
+came up a hurricane, the next mornin' eleven of the bodies of my
+neighbors lay crushed along the bottom yer, and for a hundred miles
+along the Sciota, whar the hurricane passed, the great walnuts and
+sycamore lay blasted, root and branch, just as straight as ye'd run a
+bee line; no timber grow'd upon these bottoms since. Five on us escaped
+the hurricane, but before day we fell in with a large party of red
+skins, and we fought 'em like devils; three on us fell; myself and the
+only neighbor left war obliged to fly to the hills. I made my way to the
+settlement.
+
+"Stranger, when I looked down from the hills of Paint creek, and saw the
+block house scattered over the bottom, and not a cabin standin' or a
+livin' cre'ter to be seen in the settlement of Chillicothe, my heart
+left me; I become a woman at once, and sot down and cry'd as if I'd been
+whipped to death." The old man's voice grew husky, and the tears
+suffused his eyes, but after a few sighs and a tear, he proceeded:
+
+"Well, you see, stranger, a man cannot always be a child, nor a woman,
+either; my crying spell appeared to ease my heart amazin'ly. I
+shouldered old kit here, and down I went to examine things. The
+hurricane had scattered every thing; the fire had been at work too, but,
+great God! the bloody _wolf_ had been thar, the settlement was kivered
+with the bloody bones of my own family and friends; if any had escaped
+the hurricane, the fire or wolf, the _Ingins_ finished 'em, for I never
+seen 'em afterwards; I couldn't bear to stay about the place, I'd no
+home, friend, or kindred. I took to the woods, and swore eternal death
+to the red skins and my nat'ral inimy, the _wolf!_ I've been true to my
+word, stranger; that cabin is lined with skelps and ornamented with
+Ingin _top-knots!_ Look in, ha! ha! see there! they may well call old
+Chris the _Wolf Slayer!_"
+
+The drover regaled his eyes on the trophies of the old forlorn hunter,
+and then visited the _perch_, which was situated close by a "deer lick,"
+where wolves resorted to fall upon their victims. And from this _perch_
+old _Wolf Slayer_ had made fearful work upon his nat'ral inimy the night
+previous. The old hunter assisted, during the day, to collect such of
+the scattered drove as yet were alive or to be found; the men came with
+another of their companions, and the small drove and men left the scene
+of terror and disaster, wishing a God-speed to the _Wolf Slayer_.
+
+
+
+
+The Man that knew 'em All.
+
+
+If you have ever "been around" some, and taken notice of things, you
+have doubtless seen the man who knows pretty much every thing and every
+body!
+
+I've seen them frequently. As the old preacher observed to a venerable
+lady, in reference to _forerunners_, "I see 'em now." Well, talking of
+that rare and curious specimen of the human family, the man that knows
+every body, I've rather an amusing reminiscence of "one of 'em."
+Stopping over night at the Virginia House, in that jumping off place of
+Western Virginia, Wheeling, some years ago, I had the pleasure or
+pastime of meeting several of the big guns of the nation, on their way
+from Washington city, home. It was in August, I think, when, as is most
+generally the case, the Ohio river gets monstrous low and feeble; when
+all of the large steamers are past getting up so far, and travelling
+down the river becomes quite amusing to amateurs, and particularly
+tedious and monotonous to business people, bound home. Three hundred
+travellers, more or less, were laying back at the "Virginia" and "United
+States," in the aforesaid hardscrabble of a city, or town, waiting for
+the river to get up, or some means for them to get down.
+
+The session of Congress had closed at Washington, some time before, and
+as almost all of the M. C.'s, U. S. S.'s, wire pullers, hangers on,
+blacklegs, horse jockeys, etc., etc., came over "the National Road" to
+Wheeling, to take the river for Southern and Western destinations, of
+course the assemblage at that place, at that time, was promiscuous, and
+quite interesting; at least, Western and Southern men always make
+themselves happy and interesting, home or abroad, and particularly so
+when travelling. It was a glorious thing for the proprietors of the
+hotels, to have such a host of guests, as a house full of company always
+is a "host," the guests having nothing else to do but lay back, eat,
+drink, and be merry, and foot the bills when ready, or when opportunity
+offers, to---- go.
+
+They drank and smoked, and drank again, and told jests, and played games
+and tricks, and thus passed the time along. Among the multitude was one
+of those ever-talkative and chanting men of the world, who knew all
+places and all men--as _he_ would have it. Just after removing the
+cloth, at dinner, a knot of the old jokers, bacchanalians and wits,
+settled away in a cluster, at the far end of a long table, and were
+having a very pleasant time. The man of all talk was there; he was the
+very _nucleus_ of all that was being said or done. He was from below,
+somewhere, on his way, as he informed the crowd, to Washington city,
+upon affairs of no slight importance to himself and the country in
+general.
+
+"Oho!" says one of the party, a sly, winking, fat and rosy gentleman,
+whom we shall designate hereafter, "you're bound to the capital, eh?"
+
+"Yes, _sir_," responded the man of all talk.
+
+"Of course you've been there before?" says the interrogator, nudging a
+friend, and winking at the rest.
+
+"_What?_ Me been in Washington before? Ha, ha! _me_ been _there_ before!
+Bless you, me _been_ in Washington city!"
+
+"Oho! ha, ha!" says the interrogator, "you're one of the caucus folks,
+eh? One of them wire pullers we read about, eh?"
+
+"_Me?_ Caucus? Ha, ha! Mum's the word, gents, (looking killingly
+cunning.) Come, gentlemen, let's fill up. Ha, ha! me pulling the--ha,
+ha! Well, here's to the old Constitution; let's hang by her, while
+there's a--a--a button on Jabe's coat."
+
+And they all responded, of course, to this eloquent sentiment.
+
+"Here's to Jabe's buttons, coat, hat, and breeches."
+
+"Excuse me," continued the first operator, after the toast was wet down,
+"you'll please excuse me, in behalf of some of my friends here; as
+you've been down in that dratted place, and must know a good deal of the
+goings on there, I'd like to inquire about a few things we Western folks
+don't more than get an inkling of, through the papers."
+
+"Certainly; go on, sir," says the victim, assuming all the dignity and
+depth of a man that's appealed to to settle a ponderous matter.
+
+"I'd like to inquire if those Kitchen Cabinet disclosures of the
+Pennsylvania Senator, were true. Had you ever any means of satisfying
+yourself that there is, or was, a real service of gold in the
+President's house?"
+
+"Aye! that's what we'd all like to know," says another.
+
+"How many pieces were there?"
+
+"_What_ were they?"
+
+"Aye, and what their _heft_ was?"
+
+"Mum, gentlemen; let's drink--no tales out of school, ha, ha! No,
+no--mum's the word." And looking funny and deep, merry and wise, all at
+one and the same time, the man of all talk proposed to drink and
+keep---- _mum_.
+
+But they wouldn't drink, and insisted on the secret being let out--they
+wanted a decided and positive answer, from a man who knew the ropes.
+
+"Gentlemen," said the victim, dropping his voice into a sort of
+melo-dramatic stage whisper, and stooping quite over the table, so as to
+collect the several heads and ears as close into a phalanx as possible:
+"gentlemen, it's a _fact!_"
+
+"What?" says the party.
+
+"All gold!" says the victim.
+
+"A gold service?" inquires the party.
+
+"_Thirty-eight pieces!_" continued the victim.
+
+"Solid gold?" chimed the rest.
+
+"_Just half a ton in heft!_"
+
+"You don't tell us _that_?"
+
+"Know it; eat out of 'em, _then weighed 'em all!_"
+
+"P-h-e-w!" whistled some, while others went into stronger exclamations.
+
+"_Fact, by the great_ ----"
+
+"Oh, it's all right, sir; no doubt of it now, sir," said the mover of
+the business, grasping the victim's upraised arm.
+
+"Then, of course, sir, you're well acquainted with Matty Van; on good
+terms with the little Magician," continued the leading wag.
+
+"_Me?_ me on good terms with Matty? Ha, ha! that is a good joke; never
+go to Washington without cracking a bottle with the little fox, and
+staying over night with him. _Me_ on good terms with Matty? _We've had
+many a spree together!_ Yes, _sir!_" and the knowing one winked right
+and left.
+
+"Well, there's old Bullion," continued one of the interrogators, a fine
+portly old gent, "you know him, of course?"
+
+"What, Tom Benton? Bless your souls, I don't know my letters half as
+well as I know old Tom."
+
+"And Bill Allen, of Ohio?" asked another. "What sort of a fellow is
+Bill?"
+
+"Bill Allen? Lord O! isn't he a coon? Bill Allen? I wish I had a dime
+for every horn, and game of bluff, we've had together."
+
+"Well, there's another of 'em," inquiringly asked a fat, farmer-looking
+old codger: "Dr. Duncan, how's he stand down there about Washington?"
+
+"Oh, well, he's a pretty good sort of an old chap, but, gents, between
+you and I, (with another whisper,) there is a good deal of the 'old
+fogie' senna and salts about him. But then he's death and the pale hoss
+on poker."
+
+"What, Doctor Duncan?" says they.
+
+"Why, y-e-e-s, of course. Didn't he skin me out of my watch last winter,
+playing poker, at Willard's?"
+
+"Well," continued the fat farmer-looking man, "I didn't know Duncan
+_gambled_?"
+
+"Mum, not a word out of school; ha, ha! Let's drink, gents. Gamble? Lord
+bless you, it's common as dish-water down there--I've played euchre for
+hours with old Tom Benton, Harry Clay and Gen. Scott, _right behind the
+speaker's chair!_"
+
+_Then_ they all _drank_, of course, and some of the party liked to have
+choked. The company now proposed to adjourn to the smoking room, and
+they arose and left the table accordingly. The man of all talk
+promenaded out on to the steps, and in course of half an hour, says the
+leading spirit of the late dinner, or wine party, to him:--
+
+"Mr. ----a--a--?"
+
+"Ferguson, sir; George Adolphus Ferguson is my address, sir," responded
+the victim.
+
+"Mr. Ferguson, did you know that your friend Benton was in town?"
+inquired the wag.
+
+"What, Tom Benton here?"
+
+"And Allen," continued the wag.
+
+"What, Bill Allen, too?" says the victim.
+
+"And Doctor Duncan."
+
+"You don't tell me all them fellows are here?"
+
+"Yes, sir, your friends are all here. Come in and see them; your friends
+will be delighted," says the wag, taking Mister Ferguson by the arm, to
+lead him in.
+
+"Ha, ha! I'm a--a--ha, ha! _won't_ we have a time? But you just step
+in--I a--I'll be in in one moment," but in less than half the time, Mr.
+Ferguson mizzled, no one knew whither!
+
+The gentlemen at the table, it is almost needless to say, were no others
+than Benton, Allen, Duncan, and some three or four other arbiters of the
+fate of our immense and glorious nation, in her councils, and fresh from
+the capital.
+
+Ferguson has not been heard of since.
+
+
+
+
+A Severe Spell of Sickness.
+
+
+It is the easiest thing under heaven to be sick, if you can afford it.
+What it costs some rich men for family sickness per annum, would keep
+all the children in "a poor neighborhood" in "vittels" and clothes the
+year round. When old Cauliflower took sick, once in a long life-time, he
+was prevailed upon to send for Dr. Borax, and it was some weeks before
+Cauliflower got down stairs again. At the end of the year Dr. Borax sent
+in his bill; the amount gave Cauliflower spasms in his pocket-book, and
+threatened a whole year's profits with strangulation.
+
+"Doctor," says Cauliflower, "that bill of yours is all-fired steep,
+isn't it?"
+
+"No, sir," says Borax; "your case was a dangerous case--I never raised a
+man from the grave with such difficulty, in all my practice!"
+
+"But, fifty-three _calls_, doctor, one hundred and six dollars."
+
+"Exactly--two dollars a visit, sir," said the urbane doctor.
+
+"And twenty-seven prescriptions, four plasters, &c.--eighty-one
+dollars!"
+
+"One hundred and eighty-seven dollars, sir."
+
+"Well," says Cauliflower, "this may be all very _well_ for people who
+can af-_ford_ it, but I can't; there's your money, doctor, but I'll bet
+you won't catch me sick as that again--_soon!_"
+
+
+
+
+The Race of the Aldermen.
+
+
+In 183-, it chanced in the big city of New York, that the aldermen elect
+were a sort of _tie_; that is, so many whigs and so many democrats. Such
+a thing did not occur often, the democracy usually having the supremacy.
+They generally had things pretty much all their own way, and distributed
+their favors among their partizans accordingly. The whigs at length
+_tied_ them, and the _locos_, beholding with horror and misgivings, the
+new order of things which was destined to turn out many a holder of fat
+office, many a pat-riot overflowing with democratic patriotism, whose
+devotion to the cause of the country was manifest in the tenacity with
+which he clung to his place, were extremely anxious to devise ways and
+means to keep the whigs at bay; and as the day drew near, when the
+assembled Board of Aldermen should have their sitting at the City Hall,
+various _dodges_ were proposed by the locos to out-vote the whigs, in
+questions or decisions touching the distribution of places, and
+appointment of men to fill the various stations of the new municipal
+government.
+
+"I have it--I've got it!" exclaimed a round and jolly alderman of a
+democratic ward. "To-night the Board meets--we stand about eight and
+eight--this afternoon, let two of us invite two of the whigs, Alderman
+H---- and Alderman J----, out to a dinner at Harlem, get H---- and J----
+tight as wax, and then we can slip off, take our conveyance, come in,
+and vote the infernal whigs just where we want them!"
+
+"Capital! prime! Ha, ha, ha!" says one.
+
+"First rate! elegant! ha, ha, ha!" shouts another.
+
+"Ha, ha! haw! haw! he, he, he!" roared all the locys.
+
+"Well, gentlemen, let's all throw in a V apiece, to defray expenses; we,
+you know, of course, must put the whigs _through_, and we must give them
+a rouse they won't forget soon. Champagne and turtle, that's the ticket;
+coach for four _out_ and two _in_. Ha, ha!--The whigs shall see the
+elephant!"
+
+Well, the purse was made up, the coach hired, and the two victims, the
+poor whigs, were carted out under the pretence of a grand aldermanic
+feast to Harlem, the scene of many a spree and jollification with the
+city fathers, and other bon vivants and gourmands of Gotham.
+
+Dinner fit for an emperor being discussed, sundry bottles of "Sham" were
+uncorked, and their effervescing contents decanted into the well-fed
+bodies of the four aldermen. Toasts and songs, wit and humor, filled up
+the time, until the democrats began to think it was time that one of
+them slipped out, took the carriage back to the city, leaving the other
+to _fuddle_ the two whigs, and detain them until affairs at "the Tea
+Room," City Hall, were settled to the entire satisfaction of the
+democrats.
+
+"Landlord," says one of the democrats, whom we will call Brown,
+"landlord, have you any conveyance, horses, wagons, carriages or carts,
+by which any of my friends could go back to town to-night, if they
+wish?"
+
+"Oh, yes," says the landlord, "certainly--I can send the gentlemen in if
+they wish."
+
+"Very well, sir,--they may get very _tight_ before they desire to
+return--they are men of families, respectable citizens, and I do not
+wish them, under any circumstances, to leave your house until morning.
+Whatever the bill is I will foot, provided you deny them any of your
+means to go in to-night. You understand!"
+
+"Oh! yes, sir--if you request it as a matter of favor, that I shall
+keep your friends here, I will endeavor to do so--but hadn't you better
+attend to them yourself?"
+
+"Well, you see," says Brown, "I have business of importance to
+transact--must be in town this evening. Give the party all they
+wish--put that in your fob--(handing the host an X)--post up your bill
+in the morning, and I'll be out bright and early to make all square. Do
+you hark?" says Brown.
+
+"Oh, yes, sir--all right," responded the landlord.
+
+Brown gave his confederate the _cue_, stepped out, promising to "be in
+in a minute," and then, getting into a carriage, he drove back to the
+city, almost tickled to death with the idea of how nicely the whigs
+would be "dished" when they all met at the City Hall, and came up minus
+_two!_
+
+Smith, Brown's loco friend, did his best to keep the thing up, by
+calling in the New Jersey thunder and lightning--vulgarly known as
+Champagne--and even walked into the aforesaid t. and l. so deeply
+himself, that a man with half an eye might see Smith would be as blind
+as an owl in the course of the evening. But Smith was bound to do the
+thing up brown, and thought no sacrifice too great or too expensive to
+preserve the loaves and fishes of his party. All of a sudden, however,
+night was drawing on a pace, the whigs began to smell a _mice_. The
+absence of Brown, and the excessive politeness and liberality of Smith,
+in hurrying up the bottles, settled it in the minds of the whigs, that
+something was going on dangerous to the whig cause, and that they had
+better look out--_and so they did_.
+
+"Jones," says one of the whigs, _sotto voce_, to the other, "Brown has
+cleared; it is evident he and Smith calculate to corner us here, prevent
+your presence in 'the Tea Room' to-night, and thus defeat your vote."
+
+"The deuce! You don't think that, Hall, do you?"
+
+"Faith, I do; but we won't be caught napping. Waiter, bring in a bottle
+of brandy."
+
+"Brandy?" said Smith, in astonishment. "Why, you ain't going to dive
+right into it, in that way, are you?"
+
+"Why not?" says Hall. "Brandy's the best thing in the world to settle
+your nerves after getting half fuddled on Champagne, my boy; just you
+try it--take a good stiff horn. Brown, you see, has _cut_, we must
+follow; so let's straighten up and get ready for a start. Here's to 'the
+loaves and fishes.'" Jones and Hall took their horns of Cogniac, which
+does really make some men sober as judges after they are very drunk on
+real or spurious Champagne.
+
+"Well," says Smith, "it's my opinion we'll all be very _tight_ going in
+this way, brandy on Champagne; but here goes to the fishes and
+loaves--the loaves and fishes, I mean."
+
+The brandy had a rather contrary effect from what it does usually; it
+did _settle_ Smith--in five minutes he was so very "boozy" that his chin
+bore down upon his breast, he became as "limber as a rag," and snored
+like a pair of bagpipes.
+
+"Now, Jones," says Hall, "let's be off. Landlord, get us a gig, wagon,
+carriage, cart, any thing, and let's be off; we must be in town
+immediately."
+
+"Sorry, gentlemen, but can't oblige you--haven't a vehicle on the
+premises!"
+
+"Why, confound it, you don't pretend to say you can't send us into town
+to-night, do you?" says Jones, waxing uneasy.
+
+"Haven't you a horse, jackass, mule or a wheelbarrow--any thing, so we
+can be carted in, right off, too?" says Hall.
+
+"Can't help it, gentlemen."
+
+"What time do the _cars_ come along?" eagerly inquires Jones.
+
+"About nine o'clock," coolly replies the host.
+
+"Nine fools!" shouted the discomfited alderman. "But this won't do;
+come, Jones, no help for it--can't fool us in that way--eight miles to
+the City Hall--two hours to do it in; off coat and _let's foot it!_"
+
+ * * * * *
+
+The City Hall clock had just struck 7 P. M., the Tea Room was lighted up,
+the assembled wisdom of the municipal government had their toadies, and
+reporters and lookers-on were there; the room was quite full. Brown was
+there, in the best of spirits, and the locos all fairly snorted with
+glee at the scientific manner in which Brown had "done" Jones and Hall
+out of their votes! The business of the evening was climaxing: the whigs
+missing two of their number, were in quite a spasm of doubt and fear.
+The chairman called the meeting to order. The roll was called: seven
+"good and true" locos answered the call. Six whigs had answered: the
+seventh was being called: the locos were grinning, and twisting their
+fingers at the apex of their noses!
+
+"Alderman Jones! Alderman Jones!" bawled the roll-caller.
+
+"Here!" roared the missing individual, bursting into the room.
+
+"Alderman Hall!" continued the roll.
+
+"Here!" responded that notable worthy, rushing in, entirely blowed out.
+
+"Beat, by thunder!" roared the locos, in grand chorus; and in the modern
+classics of the Bowery, "they wasn't any thing else." The whigs not only
+had the cut but the entire _deal_ in the appointments that time, and
+Alderman Brown had a _bill_ at Harlem, a little more serious to foot
+than the racing of the aldermen to get a chance to vote.
+
+
+
+
+Getting Square.
+
+
+It seems to be just as natural for a subordinate in a "grocery" to levy
+upon the _till_, for material aid to his own pocket, as for the sparks
+to fly upwards or water run down hill. Innumerable stories are told of
+the peculations of these "light-fingered gentry," but one of the best of
+the boodle is a story we are now about to dress up and trot out, for
+your diversion.
+
+A tavern-keeper in this city, some years ago, advertised for a
+bar-keeper, "a young man from the country preferred!" Among the several
+applicants who exhibited themselves "for the vacancy," was a decent,
+harmless-looking youth whose general _contour_ at once struck the
+tavern-keeper with most favorable impressions.
+
+"So you wish to try your hand tending bar?"
+
+"Yes, sir," said he.
+
+"Have you ever tended bar?"
+
+"No, sir; but I do not doubt my ability to learn."
+
+"Yes, yes, you can learn fast enough," says the tavern-keeper. "In fact,
+I'm glad you are green at the business, you will suit me the better; the
+last fellow I had come to me recommended as one of the best bar-keepers
+in New Orleans; he was posted up in all the fancy drinks and fancy
+names, he wore fancy clothes and had a fancy dog, and I fancied pretty
+soon that the rascal had taken a fancy to my small change, so I
+discharged him in double quick time."
+
+"Served him right, sir," said the new applicant.
+
+"Of course I did. Well now, sir, I'll engage you; you can get the 'run'
+of things in a few weeks. I will give you twenty-five dollars a month,
+first month, and thirty dollars a month for the balance of the year."
+
+"I'll accept it, sir," says the youth.
+
+"Do you think it's enough?"
+
+"O, yes, indeed, sir!"
+
+"Well," says Boniface. "Now mark me, young man, I will pay you,
+punctually, but you mustn't pay yourself extra wages!"
+
+"Pay myself?" says the unsophisticated youth.
+
+"Musn't take 'the run' of the till!"
+
+"Run of the till?"
+
+"No knocking down, sir!"
+
+"O, bless you!" quoth the verdant youth, "I am as good-natured as a
+lamb; I never knocked any body down in all my life."
+
+"Ha! ha!" ejaculated the landlord; "he _is_ green, so I won't teach him
+what he don't know. What's your name?"
+
+"Absalom Hart, sir."
+
+"Good Christian-like name, and I've no doubt we shall agree together,
+for a long time; so go to work."
+
+Absalom "pitched in," a whole year passed, Absalom and the landlord got
+along slick as a whistle. Another year, two, three, four; never was
+there a more attentive, diligent and industrious bar-keeper behind a
+marble slab, or armed with a toddy stick. He was the _ne plus ultra_ of
+bar-keepers, a perfect paragon of toddy mixers. But one day, somehow or
+other, the landlord found himself in custody of the sheriff, bag and
+baggage. Business had not fallen off, every thing seemed properly
+managed, but, somehow or other, the landlord broke, failed, caved in,
+and the sheriff sold him out.
+
+Who bought the concern? Absalom Hart--nobody else. Some of the people
+were astonished.
+
+"Well, who would have thought it?"
+
+"Hurrah for Absalom!"
+
+"By George, that was quick work!" were the remarks of the outsiders,
+when the fact of the sale and purchase became known. The landlord felt
+quite humbled, he was out of house and home, but he had a friend,
+surely.
+
+"Mr. Hart, things work queer in this world, sometimes."
+
+"Think so?" quietly responded the new landlord.
+
+"I do, indeed; yesterday I was up, and to-day I am down."
+
+"Very true, sir."
+
+"Yesterday you were down, to-day you are up."
+
+"Very true; time works wonders, Mr. Smith."
+
+"It does indeed, sir. Now, Mr. Hart, I am out of employment--got my
+family to support; I always trusted I treated you like a man, didn't I?"
+
+"A--ye-e-s, you did, I believe."
+
+"Now, I want you to employ me; I have a number of friends who of course
+will patronize our house while I am in it, and you can afford me a fair
+sort of a living to help you."
+
+"Well, Mr. Smith," said Mr. Hart, "I suppose I shall have to hire
+somebody, and as I don't believe in taking a raw hand from the country,
+I will take one who understands all about it. I'll engage you; so go to
+work."
+
+"Thank you, Mr. Hart." And so the master became the man, and the man the
+master.
+
+"Poor Smith, he's down!" cries one old habitue of the 'General
+Washington' bar-room. "I carkelated he'd gin out afore long, if he let
+other people 'tend to his business instead of himself."
+
+"I didn't like that fellow Absalom, no how," says another old head;
+"he's 'bout skin'd Smith."
+
+"Well, Smith kin be savin', he's larnt something," says a third, "and
+oughter try to get on to his pegs again."
+
+But when Absalom gave his "free blow," these fellows all "went in,"
+partook of the landlord's hospitality, and hoped--of course they
+did--that he might live several thousand years, and make a fortune!
+
+Time slid on--Smith was attentive, no bar-keeper more assiduous and
+devoted to the toddy affairs of the house, than Jerry Smith, the
+pseudo-bar-keeper of Absalom Hart. Absalom being landlord of a popular
+drinking establishment, was surrounded by politicians, horse jockies,
+and various otherwise complexioned, fancy living personages. Ergo,
+Absalom began to lay off and enjoy himself; he had his horses, dogs, and
+other pastimes; got married, and cut it very "fat." One day he got
+involved for a friend, got into unnecessary expenses, was sued for
+complicated debts, and so entangled with adverse circumstances, that at
+the end of his third year as landlord, the sheriff came in, and the
+"General Washington" again came under the hammer.
+
+Now, who will become purchaser? Every body wondered who would become the
+next customer.
+
+"I will, by George!" says Smith. And Smith did; he had worked long and
+_faith_fully, and he had saved something. Smith bought out the whole
+concern, and once more he was landlord of the "General Washington."
+
+Absalom was cut down, like a hollyhock in November--he was dead broke,
+and felt, in his present situation, flat, stale, and unprofitable
+enough.
+
+"Mr. Smith," said Absalom, the day after the collapse, "I am once more
+on my oars."
+
+"Yes, Ab, so it seems; it's a queer world, sometimes we are up, and
+sometimes we are down. Time, Ab, works wonders, as you once very
+forcibly remarked."
+
+"It does, indeed, sir."
+
+"We have only to keep up our spirits, Ab, go ahead; the world is large,
+if it is full of changes."
+
+"True, sir, very true. I was about to remark, Mr. Smith--"
+
+"Well, Ab."
+
+"That we have known one another--"
+
+"Pretty well, I think!"
+
+"A long time, sir--"
+
+"Yes, Ab."
+
+"And when I was up and you down--"
+
+"Yes, go on."
+
+"I gave you a chance to keep your head above water."
+
+"True enough, Ab, my boy."
+
+"Now, sir, I want you to give me charge of the bar again, and I'll off
+coat and go to work like a Trojan."
+
+"Ab Hart," said Smith, "when you came to me, you was so green you could
+hardly tell a crossed quarter from a bogus pistareen--the 'run of the
+till' you learnt in a week, while in less than a month you was the best
+hand at 'knocking down' I ever met! There's fifty dollars, you and I are
+square; we will keep so--go!"
+
+Poor Absalom was beat at his own game, and soon left for parts unknown.
+
+
+
+
+People Do Differ!
+
+
+Fifty years ago, Uncle Sam was almost a stranger on the maps; he hadn't
+a friend in the world, apparently, while he had more enemies than he
+could shake a stick at. Every body snubbed him, and every body wanted to
+lick him. But Sam has now grown to be a crowder; his spunk, too, goes up
+with his resources, and he don't wait for any body to "knock the chip
+off his hat," but goes right smack up to a crowd of fighting bullies,
+and rolling up his sleeves, he coolly "wants to know" if any body had
+any thing to say about him, in that crowd! Uncle Sam is no longer "a
+baby," his _physique_ has grown to be quite enormous, and we rather
+expect the old fellow will have to have a pitched battle with some body
+soon, _or he'll spile!_
+
+
+
+
+Bill Whiffletree's Dental Experience.
+
+
+Have you ever had the tooth-ache? If not, then blessed is your
+ignorance, for it is indeed bliss to know nothing about the tooth-ache,
+as you know nothing, absolutely nothing about pain--the acute,
+double-distilled, rectified agony that lurks about the roots or fangs of
+a treacherous tooth. But ask a sufferer how it feels, what it is like,
+how it operates, and you may learn something theoretically which you may
+pray heaven that you may not know practically.
+
+But there's poor William Whiffletree--he's been through the mill,
+fought, bled, and died (slightly) with the refined, essential oil of the
+agony caused by a raging tooth. Every time we read _Othello_, we are
+half inclined to think that _more_ than half of Iago's devilishness came
+from that "raging tooth," which would not let him sleep, but tortured
+and tormented "mine ancient" so that he became embittered against all
+the world, and blackamoors in particular.
+
+William Whiffletree's case is a very strong illustration of what
+tooth-ache is, and what it causes people to do; and affords a pretty
+fair idea of the manner in which the tooth and sufferer are medicinally
+and morally treated by the _materia medica_, and friends at large.
+
+William Whiffletree--or "Bill," as most people called him--was a sturdy
+young fellow of two-and-twenty, of "poor but respectable parents," and
+'tended the dry-goods store of one Ethan Rakestraw, in the village of
+Rockbottom, State of New York.
+
+One unfortunate day, for poor Bill, there came to Rockbottom a
+galvanized-looking individual, rejoicing in the euphonium of Dr.
+Hannibal Orestes Wangbanger. As a surgeon, he had--according to the
+album-full of _certificates_--operated in all the scientific branches of
+amputation, from the scalp-lock to the heel-tap, upon Emperors, Kings,
+Queens, and common folks; but upon his science in the dental way, he
+spread and grew luminous! In short, Dr. Wangbanger had not been long in
+Rockbottom before his "gift of gab," and unadulterated propensity to
+elongate the blanket, set every body, including poor Bill Whiffletree,
+in a furor to have their teeth cut, filed, scraped, rasped, reset, dug
+out, and burnished up!
+
+Now Bill, being, as we aforestated, a muscularly-developed youth, got up
+in the most sturdy New Hampshire style, _his_ teeth _were_ teeth, in
+every way calculated to perform long and strong; but Bill was fast
+imbibing counter-jumper notions, dabbling in stiff dickeys, greased
+soap-locks, and other fancy "flab-dabs," supposed to be essential in
+cutting a swarth among ye fair sex.
+
+So that when Dr. Wangbanger once had an audience with Mr. William
+Whiffletree in regard to one of Mr. Whiffletree's molars which Bill
+thought had a "speck" on it, he soon convinced the victim that the said
+molar not only was specked, but out of the dead plumb of its nearest
+neighbor at least the 84th part of an inch!
+
+"O, shocking!" says the remorseless _hum_; "it is well I saw it in time,
+Mr. Whiffletree. Why, in the course of a few weeks, that tooth, sir,
+would have exfoliated, calcareous supperation would have ensued, the gum
+would have ossified, while the nerve of the tooth becoming
+apostrophized, the roots would have concatenated in their hiatuses, and
+the jaw-bone, no longer acting upon their fossil exoduses, would
+necessarily have led to the entire suspension of the capillary organs of
+your stomach and brain, and--_death would supervene in two hours!_"
+
+Poor Bill! he scarcely knew what fainting was, but a queer sensation
+settled in his "ossis frontis," while his ossis legso almost bent double
+under him, at the awful prospect of things before him! He took a long
+breath, however, and in a voice tremulous with emotion, inquired--
+
+"Good Lord, Doctor! what's to be done for a feller?"
+
+"Plug and file," calmly said the Doctor.
+
+"Plug and file what?"
+
+"The second molar," said the Doctor; though the treacherous monster
+_meant_ Bill's wallet, of course!
+
+"What'll it cost, Doctor?" says Bill.
+
+"Done in my very best manner, upon the new and splendid system invented
+by myself, sir, and practiced upon all the crowned heads of Europe,
+London, and Washington City, it will cost you three dollars."
+
+"Does it hurt much, Doctor?" was Bill's cautious inquiry.
+
+"Very little, indeed; it's sometimes rather agreeable, sir, than
+otherwise," said the Doctor.
+
+"Then go at it, Doctor! Here's the _dosh_," and forking over three
+dollars, down sits William Whiffletree in a high-backed chair, and the
+Doctor's assistant--a sturdy young Irishman--clamping Bill's head to the
+back of the chair, to keep it steady, as the Doctor remarked, the latter
+began to "bore and file."
+
+"O! ah! ho-ho-hold on, _hold on!_" cries Bill, at the first _gouge_ the
+Doctor gave the huge tooth.
+
+"O! be me soul! be aizy, zur," says the Irishman, "it's mesilf as
+untherstands it--_I'll howld on till yees!_"
+
+"O--O-h-h-h!" roars Bill, as the Doctor proceeds.
+
+"Be quiet, sir; the pain won't signify!" says the Doctor.
+
+"Go-goo-good Lord-d-d! Ho-ho-hol-hold on!"
+
+"O, yeez needn't be afeared of that--I'm howldin' yeez tight as a
+divil!" cries Paddy, and sure enough he _was_ holding, for in vain Bill
+screwed and twisted and squirmed around; Pat held him like a
+cider-press.
+
+"Let me--me--O--O--O! Everlasting creation! let me go-o-o--stop, _hold
+on-n-n!_" as the Doctor bored, screwed, and plugged away at the tooth.
+
+"All done, sir; let the patient up, Michael," says the Doctor, with a
+confident twirl of his perfumed handkerchief. "There, sir--there was
+science, art, elegance, and dispatch! Now, sir, your tooth is safe--your
+life is safe--_you're a sound man!_"
+
+"Sound?" echoes poor Bill, "sound? Why, you've broken my jaw into
+flinders; you've set all my teeth on edge; and I've no more
+feelin'--gall darn ye!--in my jaws, than if they were iron steel-traps!
+You've got the wuth of your money out of my mouth, and I'm off!"
+
+That night was one of anxiety and misery to William Whiffletree. The
+disturbed _molar_ growled and twitched like mad; and, by daylight, poor
+Bill's cheek was swollen up equal to a printer's buff-ball, his mouth
+puckered, and his right eye half "bunged up."
+
+"Why, William," says Ethan Rakestraw, as Bill went into the store, "what
+in grace ails thy face? Thee looks like an owl in an ivy-bush!"
+
+"Been plugged and filed," says Bill, looking cross as a meat-axe at his
+snickering Orthodox boss.
+
+"Plugged and _fined_? Thee hain't been fighting, William?"
+
+"Fined? No, I ain't been _fined_ or fighting, Mr. Rakestraw, but I bet I
+do fight that feller who gave me the tooth-ache!--O! O!" moaned poor
+Bill, as he clamped his swollen jaw with his hand, and went around
+waving his head like a plaster-of-paris mandarin.
+
+"O! thee's been to the dentist, eh? Got the tooth-ache? Go thee to my
+wife; she'll cure thee in one minute, William; a little laudanum and
+cotton will soon ease thy pain."
+
+Mrs. Rakestraw applied the laudanum to Bill's molar, but as it did no
+kind of good, old grandmother proposed a poultice; and soon poor Bill's
+head and cheek were done up in mush, while he groaned and grunted and
+started for the store, every body gaping at his swollen countenance as
+though he was a rare curiosity.
+
+"Halloo, Bill!" says old Firelock, the gunsmith, as Bill was going by
+his shop; "got a bag in your calabash, or got the tooth-ache?"
+
+Bill looked daggers at old Firelock, and by a nod of his head intimated
+the cause of his distress.
+
+"O, that all? Come in; I'll stop it in a minute and a half; sit down,
+I'll fix it--I've cured hundreds," says Firelock.
+
+"What are you--O-h-h, dear! what are you going to do?" says Bill, eyeing
+the wire, and lamp in which Firelock was heating the wire.
+
+"Burn out the marrow of the tooth--'twill never trouble you again--I've
+cured hundreds that way! Don't be afeared--you won't feel it but a
+moment. Sit still, keep cool!" says Firelock.
+
+"Cool?" with a hot wire in his tooth! But Bill, being already intensely
+crucified, and assured of Firelock's skill, took his head out of the
+mush-plaster, opened his jaws, and Firelock, admonishing him to "keep
+cool," crowded the hot, sizzling wire on to the tin foil jammed into the
+hollow by Wangbanger, and gave it a twist clear through the melted tin
+to the exposed nerve. Bill jumped, bit off the wire, burnt his tongue,
+and knocked Firelock nearly through the partition of his shop; and so
+frightened Monsieur Savon, the little barber next door, that he rushed
+out into the street, crying--
+
+"Mon Dieu! mon Dieu! Ze zundair strike my shop!"
+
+Bill was stone dead--Firelock crippled. The apothecary over the way came
+in, picked up poor Bill, applied some camphor to his nose, and brought
+him back to life, and--the pangs of tooth-ache!
+
+"Kreasote!" says Squills, the 'pothecary. "I'll ease your pain, Mr.
+Whiffletree, in a second!"
+
+Poor Bill gave up--the kreasote added a fresh invoice to his
+misery--burnt his already lacerated and roasted tongue--and he yelled
+right out.
+
+"Death and glory! O-h-h-h-h, murder! You've pizened me!"
+
+"Put a hot brick to that young man's face," said a stranger; "'twill
+take out the pain and swelling in three minutes!"
+
+Bill revived; he seemed pleased at the stranger's suggestion; the Brick
+was applied; but Bill's cheek being now half raw with the various
+messes, it made him yell when the brick touched him!
+
+He cleared for home, went to bed, and the excessive pain, finally, with
+laudanum, kreasote, fire, and hot bricks, put him to sleep.
+
+He awoke at midnight, in a frightful state of misery; walked the floor
+until daylight; was tempted two or three times to jump out the window or
+crawl up the chimney!
+
+Until noon next day he suffered, trying in vain, every ten minutes, some
+"known cure," oils, acids, steam, poultices, and the ten thousand
+applications usually tried to cure a raging tooth.
+
+Desperation made Bill revengeful. He got a club and went after Dr.
+Wangbanger, who had set all the village in a rage of tooth-ache. Ten or
+a dozen of his victims were at his door, awaiting ferociously their
+turns to be revenged.
+
+But the bird had flown; the _teuth-doctor_ had sloped; yet a good
+Samaritan came to poor Bill, and whispering in his ear, Bill started for
+Monsieur Savon's barber-shop, took a seat, shut his eyes, and said his
+prayers. The little Frenchman took a keen knife and pair of pincers, and
+Bill giving one awful yell, the tooth was out, and his pains and perils
+at an end!
+
+
+
+
+A-a-a-in't they Thick?
+
+
+During the "great excitement" in Boston, relative to the fugitive slave
+"fizzle," a good-natured country gentleman, by the name of Abner Phipps;
+an humble artisan in the fashioning of buckets, wash-tubs and
+wooden-ware generally, from one of the remote towns of the good old Bay
+State, paid his annual visit to the metropolis of Yankee land. In the
+multifarious operations of his shop and business, Abner had but little
+time, and as little inclination, to keep the run of _latest news_, as
+set forth glaringly, every day, under the caption of _Telegraphic
+Dispatches_, in the papers; hence, it requires but a slight extension of
+the imagination to apprise you, "dear reader," that our friend Phipps
+was but meagerly "posted up" in what was going on in this great country,
+half of his time. I must do friend Phipps the favor to say, that he was
+not ignorant of the fact that "Old Hickory" fout well down to New
+Orleans, and that "Old Zack" flaxed the Mexicans clean out of their
+boots in Mexico; likewise that Millerism was a humbug, and money was
+pretty generally considered a cash article all over the universal world.
+
+But what did Phipps know or care about the Fugitive Slave bill? Not a
+red cent's worth, no more than he did of the equitation of the earth,
+the Wilmot proviso, or Barnum's woolly horse--not a _red_. He came to
+Boston annually to see how things were a workin'; pleasure, not
+business. The very first morning of his arrival in town, the hue and cry
+of "slave hunters," was raised--Shadrack, the fugitive, was arrested at
+his vocation--table servant at Taft's eating establishment, Corn Hill,
+where Abner Phipps accidentally had stuck his boots under the
+mahogany, for the purpose of recuperating his somewhat exhausted
+inner-man. Abner saw the arrest, he was quietly discussing his
+_tapioca_, and if thinking at all, was merely calculating what the
+profits were, upon a two-and-sixpence dinner, at a Boston
+_restaurateur_. He saw there was a muss between the black waiter and two
+red-nosed white men, but as he did not know what it was all about, he
+didn't care; it was none of his business; and being a part of his
+religion, not to meddle with that that did not concern him, he continued
+his _tapioca_ to the bottom of his plate, then forked over the
+equivalent and stepped out.
+
+As Phipps turned into Court square, it occurred, slightly, that the
+niggers had got to be rather thick in Boston, to what they used to be;
+and bending his footsteps down Brattle street, once or twice it occurred
+to him that the niggers _had_ got to be thick--darn'd thick, for they
+passed and repassed him--walked before him and behind him, and in fact
+all around him.
+
+"Yes," says Phipps, "the niggers are thick, thundering thick--never saw
+'em so thick in my life. _Ain't they thick?_" he soliloquized, and as he
+continued his stroll in the purlieus of "slightly soiled" garments,
+vulgarly known as second-hand shops, mostly proprietorized by very
+dignified and respectable _col'ud pussons_, it again struck Phipps quite
+forcibly that the niggers were _a_ getting thick.
+
+"Godfree! but ain't they thick! I hope to be stabbed with a gridiron,"
+said Phipps, "if there ain't more _niggers_--look at 'em--more niggers
+than would patch and grade the infernal regions eleven miles! Guess I've
+enough niggers for a spell," continued Phipps, "so I'll just pop in
+here, and see how this feller sells his notions." And so Abner, having
+reached Dock square, saunters into a gun, pistol, bowie, jack-knife,
+dog-collar, shot-bag, and notion-shop in general. Unlucky step.
+
+The stiff-dickied, frizzle-headed, polished and perfumed shop-keeper was
+on hand, and particularly predisposed to sell the stranger something.
+Just then a nigger passed the door, and looked in very sharply at
+Phipps, and presently two more passed, then a fourth and fifth, all
+_looking_ more or less pointedly at the manufacturer of wooden doin's,
+and white-pine fixin's.
+
+"That's a neat _collar_," says the shop-keeper, as Phipps, sort of
+miscellaneously, placed his hand upon a brass-band, red-lined
+dog-collar.
+
+"Collar! don't call that a _collar_, do you?"
+
+"I do, sir, a beautiful collar, sir."
+
+"What for, _solgers_?" asks Phipps.
+
+"Soldiers, no, dogs," says the shop-keeper, puckering his mouth as
+though he had _sampled_ a lemon.
+
+"_O!_" says Phipps, suddenly realizing the fact. "I ain't got no dogs;
+bad stock; don't pay; tax 'em up where I live; wouldn't pay tax for
+forty dogs." More niggers passed, repassed, and looked in at Phipps and
+the storekeeper.
+
+"I say, ain't the niggers got to be thick--infernal thick, in your town
+lately?"
+
+"Well, I don't know that they are," replied the shop-keeper; "getting
+rather scarce, I think, since the Fugitive bill has been put in force
+over the country, sir, but it does appear to me," said the shop-keeper,
+twiging sundry and suspicious-looking col'ud gem'en passing by his
+store, gaping in rather wistfully at the door, and peeping through the
+sash of the windows--"it does appear to me, that a good many colored
+persons are about this morning; yes, there is, why there goes more, more
+yet; bless me, there's another, two, three, four, why a dozen has just
+passed; they seem to look in here rather curiously, I wonder--only look;
+what has stirred them up, I want to know!" the fluctuation of the
+_Congo_ market completely attracted the handsome man's attention;
+his surprise finally assumed the most tangible shape and complexion of
+fear, for the niggers, one and all, looked savage as meat-axes, and
+began to get too numerous to mention.
+
+[Illustration: "What dat! got pistils in your pocket, eh?" says one of
+two big buck Niggers, shying up alongside of the new velocipeding
+up-country artisan. "What dat! got de hand-cuffs in he
+pocket!"--_Page_ 99.]
+
+"Well, guess I'll be goin'," says Phipps, after fumbling over some of
+the shooting-irons, jack-knives, etc.; reaching the street, he was more
+fully impressed with the fixed fact, that the niggers were all sorts of
+thick. They fairly crowded him; one buck darkey rubbed slap up against
+Phipps, as he moved out of the store. "Look here, Mister," says Phipps,
+"ain't all this street big enough for you without a crowdin' me?"
+
+The nigger stopped, looked arsenic and chain lightning at Phipps, and
+then moved off, saying in a sort of undertone--
+
+"Gorra, I guess you'll be crowded a wus'n dat afore dis day is ober."
+
+"Will, eh?" responded Abner Phipps, slightly mystified as to the why and
+wherefore, that _he_ should, in particular, be "crowded," especially by
+an Ethiopic gentleman.
+
+"I guess I _won't_ then," resumed Phipps; "if any body ventures to crowd
+me, just a purpose, I guess I'll be darn'd apt, and mighty quick to
+squash in their heads, or whoop'm on the spot."
+
+"What dat? got pistils in your pocket, eh?" says one of the two big buck
+niggers, shying up alongside of the now velocipeding up-country artisan.
+Phipps looked back, the negroes were following him. "Pistils? who's
+talkin' about pistils, mister?" he ventured to ask.
+
+"Dat's him, watch'm."
+
+"Why, we see'd you goin' in dar, dat pistol shop; want to lay in a stock
+of dirks and pistils, eh?" says the negro.
+
+"You--you got any hand-cuffs in you' pocket?" inquired another.
+
+"What dat? got de hand-cuffs in he pocket?"
+
+"Pistils and bowie knibes!" says a third.
+
+"Dat's him! watch'm!"
+
+"Knock'm down, put dat white hat ober his eyes! Hoo-r-r!"
+
+The negroes now fairly beset our victimized friend Phipps; he stopped,
+buttoned his coat, the negroes augmented; glared at him like demons; he
+fixed his hat firmly upon his head; the negroes began to grin and move
+upon him; he spat upon his hands; the negroes began to yell, and to
+close in upon him; with one grand effort, one mighty gathering of all
+the human faculties called into action by fear and desperation, Phipps
+bounded like a Louisiana bull at a gate post; he knocked down two,
+_square_; kicked over four, and rushing through the now very
+considerable and formidable array of ebony, he _broke_ equal to a wild
+turkey through a corn bottom, or a sharp knife through a pound of milky
+butter; and it is very questionable whether Phipps ever stopped running
+until his boots _busted_, or he reached his bucket factory on Taunton
+river. His negro deputation _waited on him_ with a rush clear outside of
+town, where the speed and bottom of Abner distanced the entire
+committee. The key to this joke is: Phipps was dogged from Tafts'--by
+the "vigilant committee," as an informer, or slave-hunter at least, and
+hence the delicate attentions of the col'ud pop'lation paid him. I have
+no doubt, that if Abner Phipps be asked, how things look around Boston,
+he would observe with some energy,
+
+"Niggers--niggers are thick--Godfree! _a-a-a-in't they thick!_"
+
+
+
+
+A Desperate Race.
+
+
+Some years ago, I was one of a convivial party, that met in the
+principal hotel in the town of Columbus, Ohio, the seat of government of
+the Buckeye State.
+
+It was a winter evening when all without was bleak and stormy, and all
+within were blythe and gay; when song and story made the circuit of the
+festive board, filling up the chasms of life with mirth and laughter.
+
+We had met for the express purpose of making a night of it, and the
+pious intention was duly and most religiously carried out. The
+Legislature was in session in that town, and not a few of the worthy
+legislators were present upon this occasion.
+
+One of these worthies I will name, as he not only took a big swath in
+the evening's entertainment, but he was a man _more_ generally known
+than our worthy President, James K. Polk. That man was the famous
+Captain Riley! whose "narrative" of suffering and adventures is pretty
+generally known, all over the civilized world. Captain Riley was a fine,
+fat, good-humored joker, who at the period of my story was the
+representative of the Dayton district, and lived near that little city
+when at home. Well, Captain Riley had amused the company with many of
+his far-famed and singular adventures, which being mostly told before
+and read by millions of people, that have ever seen his book, I will not
+attempt to repeat them.
+
+Many were the stories and adventures told by the company, when it came
+to the turn of a well known gentleman who represented the Cincinnati
+district. As Mr. ---- is yet among the living, and perhaps not disposed
+to be the subject of joke or story, I do not feel at liberty to give
+his name. Mr. ---- was a slow believer of other men's adventures, and at
+the same time much disposed to magnify himself into a marvellous hero
+whenever the opportunity offered. As Captain Riley wound up one of his
+truthful, though really marvellous adventures, Mr. ---- coolly remarked,
+that the captain's story was all very _well_, but it did not begin to
+compare with an adventure that he had "once upon a time" on the Ohio,
+below the present city of Cincinnati.
+
+"Let's have it!" "Let's have it!" resounded from all hands.
+
+"Well, gentlemen," said the Senator, clearing his voice for action and
+knocking the ashes from his cigar against the arm of his chair.
+"Gentlemen, I am not in the habit of spinning yarns of marvellous or
+fictitious matters; and therefore it is scarcely necessary to affirm
+upon the responsibility of my reputation, gentlemen, that what I am
+about to tell you, I most solemnly proclaim to be truth, and--"
+
+"Oh! never mind that, go on, Mr. ----," chimed the party.
+
+"Well, gentlemen, in 18-- I came down the Ohio river, and settled at
+Losanti, now called Cincinnati. It was, at that time, but a little
+settlement of some twenty or thirty log and frame cabins, and where now
+stands the Broadway Hotel and blocks of stores and dwelling houses, was
+the cottage and corn patch of old Mr. ----, a tailor, who, by the by,
+bought that land for the making of a coat for one of the settlers. Well,
+I put up my cabin, with the aid of my neighbors, and put in a patch of
+corn and potatoes, about where the Fly Market now stands, and set about
+improving my lot, house, &c.
+
+"Occasionally, I took up my rifle, and started off with my dog down the
+river, to look up a little deer, or _bar_ meat, then very plenty along
+the river. The blasted red skins were lurking about, and hovering
+around the settlement, and every once in a while picked off some of our
+neighbors, or stole our cattle or horses. I hated the red demons, and
+made no bones of peppering the blasted sarpents whenever I got a sight
+at them. In fact, the red rascals had a dread of me, and had laid a
+great many traps to get my scalp, but I wasn't to be catch'd napping.
+No, no, gentlemen, I was too well up to 'em for that.
+
+"Well, I started off one morning, pretty early, to take a hunt, and
+travelled a long way down the river, over the bottoms and hills, but
+couldn't find no _bar_ nor deer. About four o'clock in the afternoon, I
+made tracks for the settlement again. By and by, I sees a buck just
+ahead of me, walking leisurely down the river. I slipped up, with my
+faithful old dog close in my rear, to within clever shooting distance,
+and just as the buck stuck his nose in the drink, I drew a _bead_ upon
+his top-knot and over he tumbled, and splurged and bounded awhile, when
+I came up and relieved him by cutting his wizen--"
+
+"Well, but what had that to do with an _adventure_?" said Riley.
+
+"Hold on a bit, if you please, gentlemen--by Jove it had a great deal to
+do with it. For while I was busy skinning the hind quarters of the buck,
+and stowing away the kidney-fat in my hunting shirt, I heard a noise
+like the breaking of brush under a moccasin up 'the bottom.' My dog
+heard it and started up to reconnoitre, and I lost no time in reloading
+my rifle. I had hardly got my priming out before my dog raised a howl
+and broke through the brush towards me with his tail down, as he was not
+used to doing unless there were wolves, painters (panthers) or Injins
+about.
+
+"I picked up my knife, and took up my line of march in a skulking trot
+up the river. The frequent gullies, on the lower bank, made it tedious
+travelling there, so I scrabbled up to the upper bank, which was pretty
+well covered with buckeye and sycamore and very little under-brush. One
+peep below discovered to me three as big and strapping red rascals,
+gentlemen, as you ever clapt your eyes on! Yes, there they came, not
+above six hundred yards in my rear. Shouting and yelling like hounds,
+and coming after me like all possessed."
+
+"Well," said an old woodsman sitting at the table, "you took a tree of
+course?"
+
+"Did I? No, gentlemen! I took no tree just then, but I took to my heels
+like sixty, and it was just as much as my old dog could do to keep up
+with me. I run until the whoops of my red skins grew fainter and fainter
+behind me; and clean out of wind, I ventured to look behind me, and
+there came one single red whelp, puffing and blowing, not three hundred
+yards in my rear. He had got on to a piece of bottom where the trees
+were small and scarce--now, thinks I, old fellow, I'll have you. So I
+trotted off at a pace sufficient to let my follower gain on me, and when
+he had got just about near enough, I wheeled and fired, and down I
+brought him, dead as a door nail, at a hundred and twenty yards!"
+
+"Then you skelp'd (scalped) him immediately?" said the backwoodsman.
+
+"Very clear of it, gentlemen, for by the time I got my rifle loaded,
+here came the other two red skins, shouting and whooping close on me,
+and away I broke again like a quarter horse. I was now about five miles
+from the settlement, and it was getting towards sunset; I ran till my
+wind began to be pretty short, when I took a look back and there they
+came snorting like mad buffaloes, one about two or three hundred yards
+ahead of the other, so I acted possum again until the foremost Injin got
+pretty well up, and I wheeled and fired at the very moment he was
+'drawing a _bead_' on me; he fell head over stomach into the dirt, and
+up came the last one!"
+
+"So you laid for him and--" gasped several.
+
+"No," continued the "member," "I didn't lay for him, I hadn't time to
+load, so I layed _legs_ to ground, and started again. I heard every
+bound he made after me. I ran and ran, until the fire flew out of my
+eyes, and the old dog's tongue hung out of his mouth a quarter of a yard
+long!"
+
+"Phe-e-e-e-w!" whistled somebody.
+
+"Fact! gentlemen. Well, what I was to do I didn't know--rifle empty, no
+big trees about, and a murdering red Indian not three hundred yards in
+my rear; and, what was worse, just then it occurred to me that I was not
+a great ways from a big creek, (now called Mill Creek,) and there I
+should be pinned at last.
+
+"Just at this juncture I struck my toe against a root, and down I
+tumbled, and my old dog over me. Before I could scrabble up--"
+
+"The Indian fired!" gasped the old woodsman.
+
+"He did, gentlemen, and I felt the ball strike me under the shoulder;
+but that didn't seem to put any embargo upon my locomotion, for as soon
+as I got up I took off again, quite freshened by my fall! I heard the
+red skin close behind me coming booming on, and every minute I expected
+to have his tomahawk dashed into my head or shoulders.
+
+"Something kind of cool began to trickle down my legs into my boots--"
+
+"Blood, eh? for the shot the varmint gin you," said the old woodsman, in
+a great state of excitement.
+
+"I thought so," said the Senator, "but what do you think it was?"
+
+Not being blood, we were all puzzled to know what the blazes it could
+be. When Riley observed--
+
+"I suppose you had--"
+
+"Melted the deer fat which I had stuck in the breast of my hunting
+shirt, and the grease was running down my legs until my feet got so
+greasy that my heavy boots flew off, and one hitting the dog, nearly
+knocked his brains out."
+
+We all grinned, which the "member" noticing, observed--
+
+"I hope, gentlemen, no man here will presume to think I'm exaggerating?"
+
+"O, certainly not! Go on, Mr. ----," we all chimed in.
+
+"Well, the ground under my feet was soft, and being relieved of my heavy
+boots, I put off with double quick time, and seeing the creek about half
+a mile off, I ventured to look over my shoulder to see what kind of a
+chance there was to hold up and load. The red skin was coming jogging
+along pretty well blowed out, about five hundred yards in the rear.
+Thinks I, here goes to load any how. So at it I went--in went the
+powder, and putting on my patch, down went the ball about half-way, and
+off snapped my ramrod!"
+
+"Thunder and lightning!" shouted the old woodsman, who was worked up to
+the top-notch in the "member's" story.
+
+"Good gracious! wasn't I in a pickle! There was the red whelp within two
+hundred yards of me, pacing along and _loading up his rifle as he came!_
+I jerked out the broken ramrod, dashed it away and started on, priming
+up as I cantered off, determined to turn and give the red skin a blast
+any how, as soon as I reached the creek.
+
+"I was now within a hundred yards of the creek, could see the smoke from
+the settlement chimneys; a few more jumps and I was by the creek. The
+Indian was close upon me--he gave a whoop, and I raised my rifle; on he
+came, knowing that I had broken my ramrod and my load not down; another
+whoop! whoop! and he was within fifty yards of me! I pulled trigger,
+and--"
+
+"And killed _him_?" chuckled Riley.
+
+"No, _sir!_ I missed fire!"
+
+"And the red skin--" shouted the old woodsman in a phrenzy of
+excitement--
+
+"_Fired and killed me!_"
+
+The screams and shouts that followed this finale brought landlord Noble,
+servants and hostlers, running up stairs to see if the house was on
+fire!
+
+
+
+
+Dodging the Responsibility.
+
+
+"Sir!" said Fieryfaces, the lawyer, to an _unwilling witness_, "Sir! do
+you say, upon your oath, that Blinkins is a dishonest _man_?"
+
+"I didn't say he was ever accused of being an honest man, did I?"
+replied Pipkins.
+
+"Does the court understand you to say, Mr. Pipkins, that the plaintiff's
+reputation is bad?" inquired the judge, merely putting the question to
+keep his eyes open.
+
+"I didn't say it was good, I reckon."
+
+"Sir!" said Fieryfaces, "Sir-r! upon your oath--mind, upon your oath,
+upon your oath, you say that Blinkins is a rogue, a villain and a
+thief!"
+
+"_You_ say so," was Pip's reply.
+
+"Haven't _you_ said so?"
+
+"Why, you've said it," said Pipkins, "what's the use of my repeating
+it?"
+
+"Sir-r!" thundered Fieryfaces, the Demosthenean thunderer of Thumbtown,
+"Sir-r! I charge you, upon your sworn oath, do you or do you not
+say--Blinkins stole things?"
+
+"No, _sir_," was the cautious reply of Pipkins. "I never said Blinkins
+stole things, but I _do_ say--_he's got a way of finding things that
+nobody lost!_"
+
+"Sir-r," said Fieryfaces, "you can retire," and the court adjourned.
+
+
+
+
+A Night Adventure in Prairie Land.
+
+
+"I'll take a circuit around, and come out about the lower end of your
+_mot_,"* said I to my companion. "You remain here; lie down flat, and
+I'll warrant the old doe and her fawns will be found retracing their
+steps."
+
+ [*] _Mot_ is the name given small clumps of trees or woods, found
+ scattered over the prairie land of Texas.
+
+We had started from camp about sunrise, to hunt, three of us; one, an
+old hunter, who, after marking out our course, giving us the lay of the
+land, and various admonitions as to the danger of getting too far from
+camp, looking out for "Injin signs," &c., "Old Traps," as we called him,
+took a tour southward, and left us. Myself and companion were each armed
+with rifles; his a blunt "Yeager," by the way, and mine an Ohio piece,
+carrying about one hundred and twenty balls to the pound, consequently
+very light, and not a very sure thing for a distance over one hundred
+yards. It was in the fall of the year, delightful weather: our wardrobe
+consisted of Kentucky jean trousers, boots, straw hats, two shirts, and
+jean hunting shirts--all thin, to be sure, but warm and comfortable
+enough for a day's hunt. We trudged about until noon, firing but once,
+and then at an alligator in a _bayou_, whose coat of mail laughed to
+scorn our puny bullets, and, barely flirting his horny tail in contempt,
+he slid from his perch back into the greasy and turbid stream. Seating
+ourselves upon a dead cotton-wood, we made a slight repast upon some
+cold _pone_, which, moistened with a drop of "Mon'galy," proved, I must
+needs confess, upon such occasions, viands as palatable as a Tremont
+dinner to a city gourmand. While thus quietly disposed, all of a sudden
+we heard a racket in our rear, which, though it startled us at first,
+soon apprised us that game was at hand. Dropping low, we soon saw, a few
+yards above us, the large antlers of a buck. He darted down the slight
+bluffs, followed by a doe and two well-grown fawns.
+
+As they gained the water, and but barely stuck their noses into the
+drink, we both let drive at them: but, in my rising upon my knee to fire
+at the buck, he got wind of the courtesies I was about to tender him,
+and absolutely dodged my ball. I was too close to miss him; but, as he
+"juked"--to use an old-fashioned western word--down his head the moment
+he saw fire, the bullet merely made the fur fly down his neck, and, with
+a back bound or double somerset, he scooted quicker than uncorked
+thunder.
+
+Our eyes met--we both grinned.
+
+"Well, by King," says my friend Mat, "that's shooting!"
+
+"Both missed?" says I.
+
+"Better break for camp, straight: if we should meet a greaser or
+Camanche here, they'd take our scalps, and beat us about the jaws with
+'em!"
+
+It was thought to bear the complexion of a joke, and we both laughed
+quite jocosely at it.
+
+"Now," says I, "old Sweetener," loading up my rifle, "you and I can't
+give it up so, no how." Tripping up a cup of the alligator fluid, we
+washed down our crumbs, and started. We followed the deer about two
+miles up the _bayou_; the land was low prairie bottom, ugly for walking,
+and our track was slow and tedious. But, approaching a suspicious place
+carefully and cautiously, we had another fair view of the doe and fawns,
+feeding and watching on the side of a broad prairie. The distance
+between us was quite extensive; we could not well approach within
+shooting distance without alarming them. The only alternative was for
+my friend Mat to deposit himself among the brush and stuff, and let me
+circumvent the critters; one of us would surely get a whack at them. I
+started; a slow, tedious scratch and crawl of nearly a mile got me to
+the windward of the deer. As I edged down along the high grass and
+chapperel, about a branch of the _bayou_, the old doe began to raise her
+head occasionally, and scent the air: this, as I got still nearer, she
+repeated more frequently, until, at length, she took the hint, and made
+a break down towards my friend Mat, who, sharp upon the trigger, just as
+the three deer got within fifty yards, raised and fired. 'Bout went the
+deer, making a dash for my quarters; but before getting any ways near
+me, down toppled one of the young 'uns. Mat had fixed its flint; but my
+blood was up--I was not to be fooled out of my shot in that way; and
+perceiving my only chance, at best, was to be a long shot, off hand, as
+the doe and her remaining fawn dashed by, at over eighty yards, I let
+her have the best I had; the bullet struck--the old doe jumped, by way
+of an extra, about five by thirty feet, and didn't even stop to ask
+permission at that. A sportsman undergoes no little excitement in
+peppering a few paltry pigeons, a duck or a squirrel, but when an
+amateur hunter gets his Ebenezer set on a real deer, bear, or flock of
+wild turkeys, you may safely premise it would take some capital to buy
+him off.
+
+I forgot all about time and space, Mat, "Old Traps," greasers and
+Injins--my whole capital was invested in the old _doe_, and I was after
+_her_. She was badly wounded; I thought she'd "gin eout" pretty soon,
+and I followed clear across the prairie. Time flew, and finally, feeling
+considerably fagged, and getting no further view of my deer, and being
+no longer able to trace the red drops she sprinkled along, I sat down,
+wiped the salt water from my parboiled countenance, and began to----
+think I'd gone far enough for old venison. In fact, I'd gone a little
+too far, for the sun was setting down to his home in the Pacific, the
+black shades of night began to gather around the timber, and I hurried
+out into the prairie, to get an observation. But it was no go. I had
+entirely reversed the order of things, in my mind; I had lost my
+bearings. The evening was cloudy, with a first rate prospect of a wet
+night, and neither moon nor stars were to be seen.
+
+Taking, at a hazard, the supposed back track, across the broad prairie,
+upon which flourished a stiff, tall grass, I plodded along, quite
+chilly, and my thin garments, wet from perspiration, were cold as cakes
+of ice to my flesh. I began to feel mad, swore some, hoped I was on the
+right track back to Mat and his deer, but felt satisfied there was some
+doubt about that. Mat had the flint and steel for raising a fire, and
+the _meat_ and what bread was left at our last repast. Night came right
+down in the midst of my cares and tribulations. A slight drizzling rain
+began to fall. The stillness of a prairie is a damper to the best of
+spirits--the entire suspension of all noises and sounds, not even the
+tick of an insect to break the black, dull, dark monotony, is a wet
+blanket to cheerfulness. I really think the stillness of a large prairie
+is one of the most painful sensations of loneliness, a man ever
+encountered. The sombre and dreary monotony of a dungeon, is scarcely a
+comparison; in fact, language fails to describe the essentially
+double-distilled monotony of these great American grass-patches--you
+can't call them deserts, for at times they represent interminable
+flower-gardens, of the most elegant and voluptuous description.
+
+Oh, how home and its comforts floated in my mind's eye; how I
+envied--not for the first time either--the unthankful inmates of even a
+second-rate boarding-house! A negro cabin, a shed, dog kennel, and a hoe
+cake, had charms, in my thoughts, just then, enough to exalt them into
+fit themes for the poets and painters. Having trudged along, at least
+three miles, in one direction, I struck a large _mot_, that jutted out
+into the prairie. Here I concluded it was best to hang up for the night.
+I was soaking wet--hungry and wolfish enough. My utter desperation
+induced me to work for an hour with some percussion caps, powder, and a
+piece of greased tow linen, to get a blaze of fire, Ingins or no Ingins.
+I began to wish I was a Camanche myself, or that the red devils would
+surround me, give me one bite and a drink, and I'd die happy. All of a
+sudden, I got sight of a blaze! Yes, a real fire loomed up in the
+distance! It was Mat and his deer, in luck, doing well, while I was cold
+as Caucasus, and hollow as a flute. I riz, stretched my stiff limbs, and
+struck a bee line for the light. After wading, stumbling, and tramping,
+until my weary legs would bear me no longer, I had the mortification to
+see the fire at as great a distance as when I first started. This about
+knocked me. I concluded to give up right in my tracks, and let myself be
+wet down into _papier mache_ by the descending elements. Blessed was he
+that invented sleep, says Sancho Panza, but he was a better workman that
+invented _spunk_. All of a sudden I plucked up my spunk, and by a sort
+of martial command, ordered my limbs to duty, and marched straight for
+the fire in the weary distance. A steady and toilsome perseverance over
+brake and bush, mud, ravine, grass and water, at length brought me near
+the fire. And then, suspicion arose, if I fell upon a Mexican or Indian
+camp, the evils and perils of the night would turn up in the morning
+with a human barbecue, and these impressions were nearly sufficient
+inducement for me to go no further. It might be my friend Mat's fire,
+and it might not be: it wasn't very likely he would dare to raise a
+fire, and the more I debated, the worse complexion things bore.
+Involuntarily, however, I edged on up towards the fire, which was going
+down apparently. Coming to a _bayou_, I reconnoitered some time. All was
+quiet, save the pattering of the rain in the grass, and on the
+scattering lofty trees. I stood still and absorbed, watching the dying
+fire, for an hour or two. I was within half a mile of it; the intense
+darkness that usually precedes day had passed, and a murky, rainy
+morning was dawning. Cheerless, fatigued, and hungry beyond all mental
+supervision or fear, I marched point blank up to the fire, and there
+lay--not a tribe of Mexicans or Camanches, but my comrade Mat, fast
+asleep, under the lee of a huge dead and fallen cotton-wood, alongside
+of the fire, warm, dry, and comfortable as a bug in a rug!
+
+I gave one shout, that would have riz the scalp lock of any red skin
+within ten miles, and Mat started upon his feet and snatched his
+"Yeager" from under the log quicker than death.
+
+"Ho-o-o-ld yer hoss, stranger," I yelled, "I'm only going to eat ye!"
+
+Mat and I fraternized, quick and strong. A piece of his fawn was jerked
+and roasted in a giffy. After gormandizing about five pounds, and
+getting a few whiffs at Mat's old stone pipe, I took his nest under the
+log, and slept a few hours sound as a pig of lead.
+
+Waked up, prime--stowed away a few more pounds of the fawn, and then we
+started for camp. Living and faring in this manner, for from three to
+twelve months, may give you some idea of the training the heroes of San
+Jacinto had.
+
+
+
+
+Roosting Out.
+
+
+In 1837, after the capture of Santa Anna, by General Samuel Houston and
+his little Spartan band, which event settled the war, and something like
+tranquillity being restored to Texas, several of us adventurers formed a
+small hunting party, and took to the woods, in a circuitous tour up and
+across the Sabine, and so into the United States, homeward bound.
+
+There were seven men, two black boys, belonging to Dr. Clenen, one of
+our "voyageurs," and eleven horses and mules, in the party; and with a
+tolerable fair camp equipage, plenty of ammunition, one or two "old
+campaigners" and three monstrous clever dogs, it was naturally supposed
+we should have a pleasant time. The first five days were cold, being
+early Spring, wet, and not _very_ interesting; but as all of the party
+had seen some service, and not expecting the comforts and delicacies of
+civilization, they were all the better prepared to take things as they
+came, and by the smooth handle. The idea was to travel slow, and reach
+Jonesboro' or Red River, or keep on the Arkansas, and strike near Fort
+Smith, in twenty or thirty days. We left Houston in the morning, passed
+Montgomery, and kept on W. by N. between the Rio Brasos and Trinity
+River, the first five days, then stood off north for the head of the
+Sabine.
+
+Game was very sparse, and rather shy, but falling in with some wild
+turkeys, and a bee tree, we laid by two days and lived like fighting
+cocks. The turkeys were picked off the tall trees, as they roosted after
+night, by rifle shots, and no game I ever fed on can exceed the rich
+flavor of a well-roasted, fat wild turkey. The bee tree was a
+crowder--a large, hollow cyprus, about sixty feet high, straight as a
+barber pole, and nearly seven feet in diameter at the base, and full
+three feet through at the first branch, forty feet up. This must have
+been the hive of many and many a swarm, for years past; the tree was cut
+down, and contained from one to three hundred gallons of honey and comb!
+Nor are such bee trees scarce about the head of the Sabine, Red River,
+&c. Bears are very fond of honey. The weather then being much improved,
+it was suggested that the camp should be moved a few miles off, and
+leave the bee tree and its great surplus contents, to the bears; and if
+they did come about, we should come back and have a few pops at them.
+The plan was feasible, and all agreed; so, removing a few gallons of the
+translucent delicacy, the camp was struck, and, following an old trail a
+few miles, we found a delightful site for recamping under some large
+oaks on a creek, a tributary of the Sabine river.
+
+Some of the "boys," as each styled the others, during the day had found
+"a deer lick," about three miles above the camp, and to vary the
+_viands_ a little, it was proposed that three of the boys should go up
+after dark, lay about, and see if a shot could be had at some of the
+visitors of "the lick."
+
+One of the old heads, and by-the-way we called him "old traps," from the
+fact of his always being so ready to explain the manner and uses of all
+sorts of traps, and the inexhaustible adventures he had with them in the
+course of twenty years' experience in the far west.
+
+Well, "old traps," Dr. C., and myself, were the deputed committee, that
+night, to attend to the cases of the deer. Soon after dark we put out,
+and in the course of a couple of hours, after some floundering in a
+muddy "bottom" and through hazel brush, or chaparral, the "lick" was
+found, and positions taken for raking the victims. "Old traps" took a
+lodge in a clump of bushes. Dr. C. and I squatted on a dead tree, with a
+few bushes around it, and in a particularly dark spot, from the fact of
+some very heavy timber with wide-spreading tops standing around and
+nearly over us.
+
+The ability of keeping still in a disagreeable situation, for a long
+time, is most desirable and necessary in the character of a
+hunter;--some men have a faculty for holding a fishing-rod hours at a
+time over a fishless tide, with wondrous ardor; and I have known men to
+watch deer, bear, and other game, in one position, for ten or twenty
+hours. Sauntering up and down in the dark, with wind and rain, and a
+musket in your arms for company, is not pleasant pastime; but my
+patience revolted at the idea of squatting on the wet log, all cramped
+up, three or four hours, and no deer making their appearance; Doctor and
+I made up our minds to arouse "old traps," and patter back to the camp.
+Just as the resolution was about to be put in action, two deer, fine
+antlered customers, made their appearance about three hundred yards from
+us, out on a small plain, where their sprightly forms could just be made
+out as they leisurely stepped along. Getting near "old traps," he soon
+convinced us that _his_ eye was still open, although we had concluded he
+was fast asleep. The sharp, whip-like crack of "old traps'" rifle
+brought down one of the deer, and the other, in bounds of thirty or
+forty feet at a spring, whisked nearly over us, and the Doctor and I
+fired at the flying deer as he came; neither shot took effect, and off
+he sped.
+
+"Hurrah! for the old boy!" shouted the Doctor, as we all bustled up to
+where the deer lay kicking and plunging in his death throes. "By Jove,
+'traps,' you've put a ball clean through his head!"
+
+"Yes, sir," said traps; "I ollers fix game that way, myself."
+
+"Except when you fix them with the traps, eh?" said I.
+
+"'Zactly," said traps. "But now, boys," he continued loading up his
+rifle, "now let's snatch off the creature's hide, quarter it, and travel
+back to the camp, for we ain't gwoine to have any more deer to-night."
+
+This was soon accomplished. Trap seized the hind quarters and hide, and
+travelled; Doctor and I brought up the rear with the rest of the meat
+and fat.
+
+To avoid the muddy "bottom," in going back, we concluded to take a
+little round-about way, and relieved one another by taking "spells" at
+carrying the rifles and the meat. We jogged along, chatting away, for
+some time, when it occurred to us that we were getting very near the
+camp, or ought to be, for we had walked long and fast enough.
+
+Doctor was trudging on ahead with the meat; I was behind some twenty
+yards with both rifles; we were passing through some thin timber which
+skirted a little prairie, out on which we could see quite distinctly;
+Doctor made a sudden halt--
+
+"Hollo! by Jove, what's that?"
+
+"What? eh? where?" said I, bustling up to the Doctor, who made free to
+drop the meat, wheeled about, snatched his rifle out of my fists and
+_broke!_
+
+"A grizzly bear coming, by thunder!"
+
+Upon that _hint_ there were two gentlemen seen hurrying themselves
+_somewhat_, I reckon, on the back track. Doctor was what you might call
+a fast trotter, but when he broke into a full gallop the odds against me
+were dreadful! I was fairly distanced, and when perfectly blowed out
+stopped to pull the briars out of my torn trowsers, scratched face and
+dishevelled locks, listen to the enemy, and ascertain where the Doctor
+had got to. No sound broke the reigning stillness, save the sonorous
+"coo-hoot" of an owl. My rifle was empty, and a search satisfied me that
+my caps were not to be found. My own cap had also disappeared in the
+fright, and I was in a bad way for defence, and completely at a dead
+loss as to the bearings of the camp.
+
+"Well," thinks I, "it's no particular use crying over spilt milk--it's
+no use to move when there is no idea existing of bettering one's self,
+so here I'll _roost_ until daylight, unless Doctor comes back to hunt me
+up!" I judged it was not far from 2 o'clock, A. M., and believed it
+possible that our venison might only whet a grizzly bear's appetite to
+follow up the pursuit and gormandize me!--A proper site for a _roost_
+was the next matter of importance, and a scrubby oak with a thick top,
+close by, offered an inviting elevation to lodge.
+
+A long, long time seemed the coming day; and the sharp air of its
+approach, and heavy dew, made "perching" in a crotch very fatiguing
+"pastime."
+
+When light began to dawn, sliding down I took an observation that
+convinced me, according to Indian signs, that Doctor and I had gone
+South too far to hit the camp, and, to the best of my reckoning, the old
+bee tree was not far out of my way, and that I now struck for.
+
+About noon, and a lovely day it was, I discovered the bee tree, made a
+dinner on honey, which was scattered about considerably, giving evidence
+of its having been visited by our rugged Russian friends.
+
+And now, feeling anxious to see human faces, and not linger about a spot
+where troublesome customers might abound, I made tracks for the camp,
+which was reached about sundown, and where I found, to my regret, the
+Doctor had not come in yet.
+
+"Old Traps" had returned all safe enough, and had been prophesying "the
+boys" were lost, and would not soon be found again. However, the old
+fellow put away his deer skin, which he had been cleaning, &c., to give
+me a feed of the deer, a few remnants yet remaining, and from my
+exercise and fasting, never was a rude meal more luxurious. Two of the
+party, with one of the black boys, and a mule, had been out since noon
+in quest of us, and about midnight they returned with the Doctor, who
+congratulated me on what he had estimated as an escape. So did I. We all
+concluded _it was a_ DEER _hunt!_ Though we "had a time" at the bee
+tree, next night, that made us about square.
+
+
+
+
+Rather Twangy.
+
+
+Three Irishmen, green as the Isle that per-duced 'em, but full of sin,
+and fond of the crater, broke into a country store down in Maine, one
+night last week, and after striking a light, they _lit_ upon a large
+demijohn, having the suspicious look of a whiskey holder. One held the
+light, while another held up the _demi_ to his mouth, and took a small
+taster.
+
+"Arrah, what a twang! An' it's what they call Shemaky, I'm thinkin'!"
+says the fellow, screwing his face into all manner of puckers.
+
+"It's the very stuff, thin, for me, so hould the light, and I'll take a
+swig at 'im," says Paddy number two. "_Agh!_" says he, putting down the
+demijohn in haste, "it's rale bhrandy--_agh-h!_"
+
+"Branthy? Thin it's meself as'll have a wee bit uv a swig at 'em," and
+Paddy number three took hold, and down he rushed a good slew of it!
+
+"Murther and turf! It's every divil ov us are pizened--o-o-och!
+Murther-r-r!" and he raised such a hullaballoo, that the neighbors were
+awakened. They came rushing in, and arrested Paddy number three. The
+others fled, with their bellies full of washing fluid! The poor fellow
+had drank nearly a pint; being possessed with a gutta percha stomach, he
+stood the infliction without kicking the bucket, but he was bleached, in
+two days--white as a bolt of cotton cloth!
+
+
+
+
+Passing Around the Fodder!
+
+A DINNER SKETCH.
+
+
+A few weeks ago, during a passage from Gotham to Boston, on the "_Empire
+State_," one of the most elegant and swift steamers that ever man's
+ingenuity put upon the waters, I met a well-known joker from the Quaker
+city, on his first trip "down East." After mutually examining and
+eulogising the external appearance and internal arrangements of the
+"Empire," winding up our investigation, of course, with a _look_ into a
+small corner cupboard in the barber's office, where a superb _smile_--as
+_is_ a smile--can be usually enjoyed by the _nobbish_ investment of a
+York shilling; soon after passing through "Hell Gate"--gliding by the
+beautiful villas, chateaux, and almost princely palaces of the business
+men of the great city of New York, we were soon out upon the broad, deep
+Sound, a glorious place for steam-boating. Soon after, the bells
+announced "supper ready"--a general stampede into the spacious cabin
+took place, and though the tables strung along forty rods on each side
+of the great cabin, not over half the crowd got seats upon this
+interesting occasion. I was _about_ with my friend--in _time_, stuck our
+legs under the mahogany, and gazed upon the open prospect for a supper
+superb enough in all its details to tempt a jolly old friar from his
+devotions. We got along very nicely. An old chap who sat above us some
+seats, and whose rotund developments gave any ordinary observer reason
+to suppose his appetite as unquenchable as the Maelstrom, kept reaching
+about, and when tempting vessels were too remote, he'd bawl "right eout"
+for them.
+
+"Halloo! I say you, Mister there, just hand along that saas; give us a
+chance, will ye, at that; notion on't, what d'ye call that stuff?"
+
+"This?" says one, passing along a dish.
+
+"Pshaw, no, t'other there."
+
+"Oh! ah! yes, _this_," says my facetious friend.
+
+"Well, that ain't it, but no odds; fetch it along!" and down we sent the
+biggest dish of meat in our neighborhood.
+
+"Now," says I, "my boy, I'll show you a 'dodge.' We'll see how it
+works."
+
+Filling a plate full to the brim, with all and each of the various
+_heavy_ courses in our vicinity, I very politely passed it over to my
+next neighbor with--
+
+"Please to pass that up, sir?"
+
+"Umph, eh?" says the gentleman, taking hold of the plate very gingerly;
+"pass it _up_?"
+
+"Aye, yes, if you please," says I.
+
+By this time he had fairly got the loaded plate in his fists, and began
+to look about him where to pass the plate _to_. Nobody in particular
+seemed on the watch for a _spare_ plate. The gent looked back at me, but
+I was "cutting away" and watching from the extreme corner of my left eye
+the victim and his charge, while I pressed hard upon the corn pile of my
+friend's foot under the table.
+
+At length, the victim thought he saw some one up the table waiting for
+the plate, and quickly he whispered to his next neighbor--
+
+"Please, sir, to-to-a, _just pass this plate up!_"
+
+The man took the plate, and being more of a practical operator than his
+neighbor, gave the plate over to _his_ next neighbor, with--
+
+"Pass this plate up to that gentleman, if you please," dodging his head
+towards an old gent in specs, who sat near the head of the table,
+grinning a ghastly smile over the field of good things.
+
+"It's _going!_"
+
+"_What?_" says my friend.
+
+"The plate; it's going the rounds; just you keep quiet, you'll see a
+good thing."
+
+The plate, at length, got to the head of the table. It was given to the
+old gentleman in specs; he looked over the top of his specs very
+deliberately at the "fodder," then back at the thin, pale,
+student-looking youth who handed it to him, then up and down the table.
+A raw-boned, gaunt and hollow-looking disciple caught the eye of the old
+gent; he must be the man who wanted the "load." His lips quacked as if
+in the act of--"pass this plate, sir,"--to his next neighbor; he was too
+far off for us to _hear_ his discourse. Well, the plate came booming
+along down the opposite side; the tall man declined it and gave it over
+to his next neighbor, who seemed a little tempted to take hold of the
+invoice, but just then it occurred to him, probably, that he was keeping
+_somebody_ (!) out of his grub, so he quickly turned to his neighbor and
+passed the plate. One or two more moves brought the plate within our
+range, and there it liked to have _stuck_, for a fussy old Englishman,
+in whom politeness did not stick out very prominently, grunted--
+
+"I don't want it, sir."
+
+"Well, but, sir, please _pass it_," says the last victim, beseechingly
+holding out the plate.
+
+"Pass it? Here, mister, 's your plate," says Bull, at length reluctantly
+seizing on the plate, and rushing it on to his next neighbor, who
+started--
+
+"Not mine, sir."
+
+"Not yours! Who does it belong to? Pass it down to somebody."
+
+Off went the plate again. Several ladies turned up their pretty eyes and
+noses while the gents _passed it_ by them.
+
+"Why, if there ain't that plate a going the rounds, that you gave me!"
+says my next neighbor, to whom I had first given the "currency."
+
+"That plate? Oh, yes, so it is; well," says I, with feigned
+astonishment, "this is the first time I ever saw a good supper so
+universally discarded!"
+
+The plate was off again. It reached the foot of the table. An elderly
+lady looked up, looked around, removed a large sweet potato from the
+pile--then passed it along. An old salty-looking captain, just then took
+a vacant seat, and the plate reached him just in the nick of time. He
+looked voracious--
+
+"Ah," said he, with a savage growl, "that's your sort; thunder and
+oakum, I'm as peckish as a shark, and here's the _duff for me!_"
+
+That ended the peregrinations of the plate, and I and my friend--_yelled
+right out!_
+
+
+
+
+A Hint to Soyer.
+
+
+Magrundy says, in his work on _Grub_, that a Frenchman will "frigazee" a
+pair of old boots and make a respectable soup out of an ancient chapeau;
+but our friend Perriwinkle affirms that the French ain't "nowhere,"
+after a feat he saw in the kitchen arrangement of a "cheap boarding
+house" in the North End:--the landlady made a chowder out of an old
+broom mixed with sinders, and after all the boarders had dined upon it
+scrumptiously, the remains made broth for the whole family, next day,
+besides plenty of fragments left for a poor family! That landlady is
+bound--_to make Rome howl!_
+
+
+
+
+The Leg of Mutton.
+
+
+I'm going to state to you the remarkable adventures of a very remarkable
+man, who went to market to get a leg of mutton for his Sunday dinner. I
+have heard, or read somewhere or other, almost similar stories; whether
+they were real or imaginary, I am unable to say; but I can vouch for the
+authenticity of my story, for I know the hero well.
+
+In the year 1812, it will be recollected that we had some military
+disputes with England, which elicited some pretty tall fights by land
+and sea, and the land we live in was considerably excited upon the
+subject, and patriotism rose to many degrees above blood heat.
+Philadelphia, about that time, like all other cities, I suppose, was the
+scene of drum-beating, marching and counter-marching, and volunteering
+of the patriotic people.
+
+The President sent forth his proclamations, the governors of the
+respective States reiterated them, and a large portion of our brave
+republicans were soon in or marching to the battle field. There lived
+and wrought at his trade, carpentering, in the city of Philadelphia,
+about that time, a very tall, slim man, named Houp; Peter Houp, that was
+his name. He was a very steady, upright, and honest man, married, had a
+small, comfortable family, and to all intents and purposes, settled down
+for life. How deceptive, how unstable, how uncertain is man, to say
+nothing of the more frail portion of the creation--woman! Peter Houp one
+fair morning took his basket on his arm, and off he went to get a leg of
+mutton and trimmings for his next Sunday's dinner. Beyond the object of
+research, Peter never dreamed of extending his travels for that day,
+certain. A leg of mutton is not an indifferent article, well cooked, a
+matter somewhat different to amateur cooks; and as good legs of mutton
+as can be found on this side of the big pond, can be found almost any
+Saturday morning in the Pennsylvania market wagons, which congregate
+along Second street, for a mile or two in a string. Peter could have
+secured his leg and brought it home in an hour or two at most.
+
+But hours passed, noon came, and night followed it, and in the course of
+time, the morrow, the joyous Sunday, for which the _leg of mutton_ was
+to be brought and prepared, and offered up, a sacrifice to the household
+gods and grateful appetites, came, but neither the leg of mutton, nor
+the man Peter, husband and father Houp, darkened the doors of the
+carpenter's humble domicil, that day, the next or the next! I cannot, of
+course, realize half the agony or tortures of suspense that must have
+preyed upon that wife's heart and brain, that must have haunted her
+feverish dreams at night, and her aching mind by day. When grim death
+strikes a blow, whenever so near and dear a friend is levelled, cold,
+breathless, dead--we see, we know there is the end! Grief has its
+season, the bitterest of woe then calms, subsides, or ceases; but
+_lost_--which hope prevents mourning as dead, and whose death-like
+absence almost precludes the idea that they live, engenders in the soul
+of true affection, a gloomy, torturing and desponding sorrow, more
+agonizing than the sting actual death leaves behind. I have endeavored
+to depict what must have been, what were the feelings of Peter Houp's
+wife. She mourned and grieved, and still hoped on, though months and
+years passed away without imparting the slightest clue to the
+unfortunate fate of her husband. Her three children, two boys and a
+girl, grew up; ten, eleven, twelve years passed away, with no tidings of
+the lost man having reached his family; but they still lived with a kind
+of despairing hope that the husband and father would yet _come home_,
+and so he did.
+
+Let us see what became of Peter Houp, the carpenter. As he strolled
+along with his basket under his arm, on the eventful morning he sought
+the leg of mutton, he met a platoon of men dressed up in uniform,
+muskets on their shoulders, colors flying, drums beating, and a mob of
+hurrahers following and shouting for the volunteers. Yes, it was a
+company of volunteers, just about shipping off for the South, to join
+the "Old Zack" of that day, General Jackson. Peter Houp saw in the ranks
+of the volunteers several of his old _chums_; he spoke to them, walked
+along with the men of Mars, got inspired--patriotic--_drunk_. Two days
+after that eventful Saturday, on which the quiet, honest, and
+industrious carpenter left his wife and children full of hope and
+happiness, he found himself in blue breeches, roundabout, and black cap,
+on board a brig--bound for New Orleans. A volunteer for the war! It was
+too late to repent then; the brig was ploughing her way through the
+foaming billows, and in a few weeks she arrived at Mobile, as she could
+not reach New Orleans, the British under General Packenham being off the
+Balize. So the volunteers were landed at Mobile, and hurried on over
+land to the devoted (or was to be) Crescent city. Peter Houp was not
+only a good man, liable as all men are to make a false step once in
+life, but a brave one. Having gone so far, and made a step so hard to
+retrace, Peter's cool reason got bothered; he poured the spirits down to
+keep his spirits up, as the saying goes, and abandoned himself to fate.
+Caring neither for life nor death, he was found behind the cotton bags,
+which he had assisted in getting down from the city to the battle
+ground, piled up, and now ready to defend his country while life lasted.
+Peter fought well, being a man not unlike the brave Old Hickory himself,
+tall, firm, and resolute-looking. He attracted General Jackson's
+attention during the battle, and afterwards was personally complimented
+for his skill and courage by the victorious Commander-in-chief. Every
+body knows the history of the battle of New Orleans--I need not relate
+it. After the victory, the soldiers were allowed considerable license,
+and they made New Orleans a scene of revel and dissipation, as all
+cities are likely to represent when near a victorious army. Peter Houp
+was on a "regular bender," a "big tare," a long spree--and for one so
+unlike any thing of the kind, he went it with a _perfect looseness_.
+
+A rich citizen's house was robbed--burglariously entered and robbed; and
+Peter Houp, the staid, plain Philadelphia carpenter, who would not have
+bartered his reputation for all the ingots of the Incas, while in his
+sober senses, was arrested as one of the burglars, and the imputation,
+false or true, caused him to spend seven years in a penitentiary. O,
+what an awful probation of sorrow and mental agony were those seven long
+years! But they passed over, and Peter Houp was again free, not a worse
+man, fortunately, but a much wiser one! He had not seen or heard a word
+of those so long dearly cherished, and cruelly deserted--his family--for
+eight years, and his heart yearned towards them so strongly that,
+pennyless, pale and care-worn as he was, he would have started
+immediately for home, but being a good carpenter, and wages high, he
+concluded to go to work, while he patiently awaited a reply of his
+abandoned family to his long and penitent written letter. Weeks, months,
+and a year passed, and no reply came, though another letter was
+dispatched, for fear of the miscarriage of the first; (and both letters
+did miscarry, as the wife never received them.) Peter gave himself up as
+a lost man, his family lost or scattered, and nothing but death could
+end his detailed wretchedness. But still, as fortune would have it, he
+never again sought refuge from his sorrows in the poisoned chalice, the
+rum glass; not he. Peter toiled, saved his money, and at the end of four
+years found himself in the possession of a snug little sum of hard
+cash, and a fully established good name. But all of this time he had
+heard not a syllable of his home; and all of a sudden, one fine day in
+early spring, he took passage in a ship, arrived in Philadelphia; and in
+a few rods from the wharf, upon which he landed, he met an old neighbor.
+The astonishment of the latter seemed wondrous; he burst out--
+
+"My God! is this Peter Houp, come from his grave?"
+
+"No," said Peter, in his slow, dry way, "I'm from New Orleans."
+
+Peter soon learned that his wife and children yet lived in the same
+place, and long mourned him as forever gone. Peter Houp felt any thing
+but merry, but he was determined to have his joke and a merry meeting.
+In an hour or two Peter Houp, the long lost wanderer, stood in his own
+door.
+
+"Well, Nancy, _here is thy leg of mutton!_" and a fine one too he had.
+
+The most excellent woman was alone. She was of Quaker origin; sober and
+stoical as her husband, she regarded him wistfully as he stood in the
+door, for a long time; at last she spoke--
+
+"Well, Peter, thee's been gone a _long time for it_."
+
+The next moment found them locked in each other's arms; overtasked
+nature could stand no more, and they both cried like children.
+
+The carpenter has once held offices of public trust, and lives yet, I
+believe, an old and highly respected citizen of "Brotherly Love."
+
+
+
+
+A Chapter on Misers.
+
+
+We all love, worship and adore that everlasting deity--_money_. The poor
+feel its want, the rich know its power. Virtue falls before its
+corrupting and seductive influence. Honor is tainted by it. Pride, pomp
+and power, are but the creatures of money, and which corrupt hearts and
+enslaved souls wield to the great annoyance--yea, curse of mankind in
+general.
+
+It is well, that, though we are all fond of money, not over one in a
+thousand, prove miserable misers, and go on to amass dollar upon dollar,
+until the shining heaps of garnered gold and silver become a god, and a
+faith, that the rich wretch worships with the tenacious devotion of the
+most frenzied fanatic. In the accumulation of a competency, against the
+odds and chances of advanced life, a man may be pardoned for a degree of
+economical prudence; but for parsimonious meanness, there is certainly
+no excuse. I have heard my father speak of an old miserly fellow, who
+owned a great many blocks of buildings in Philadelphia, as well as many
+excellent farms around there, and who, though rich as a Jew (worth
+$200,000), was so despicably and scandalously mean, as to go through the
+markets and beg bones of the butchers, to make himself and family soup
+for their dinners! He resorted to a score of similar humiliating
+"dodges," whereby to prolong his miserable existence, and add dime and
+dollar to his already bursting coffers.
+
+At length, Death knocked at his door. The debt was one the poor wretch
+would fain have gotten a little more time on, but the Court of Death
+brooks no delay--there is no cunning devise of learned counsel, no writs
+of error, by which even a miserable miser, or voluptuous millionaire,
+can gain a moment's delay when death issues his summons. The miser was
+called for, and he knew his time had come. He sent for the undertaker,
+he bargained for his burial--
+
+"They say I'm rich! it's a lie, sir--I'm poor, miserably poor. I want
+but three carriages. My children may want a dozen--I say but _three_;
+put that down. A very plain coffin; pine, stained will do, and no
+ornaments, hark ye. A cheap grave. I would be buried on one of my farms,
+but then the coach-drivers would charge so much to carry me out! Now,
+what will you ask for the job?"
+
+"About thirty dollars, sir," said the almost horrified undertaker.
+
+"Thirty dollars! why, do you want to rob me? Say fifteen dollars--give
+me a receipt--_and I'll pay you the cash down!_"
+
+Poor wretch! by the time he had uttered this, his soul had flown to its
+resting-place in another world.
+
+In the upper part of Boston, on what is called "the Neck," there lived,
+some years ago, a wealthy old man, who resorted to sundry curious
+methods to live without cost to himself. His house--one of the
+handsomest mansions in the "South End," in its day--stood near the road
+over which the gardeners, in times past, used to go to market, with
+their loads of vegetables, two days of each week. Old Gripes would be up
+before day, and on the lookout for these wagons.
+
+"Halloo! what have you got there?" says the miser to the countryman.
+
+"Well, daddy, a little of all sorts; potatoes, cabbages, turnips,
+parsnips, and so on. Won't you look at 'em?"
+
+At this, the old miser would begin to fumble over the vegetables, pocket
+a potato, an onion, turnip, or--
+
+"Ah, yes, they are good enough, but we poor creatures can't afford to
+pay such prices as you ask; no, no--we must wait until they come down."
+The old miser would sneak into the house with his stolen vegetables, and
+the farmer would drive on. Then back would come the miser, and lay in
+ambush for another load, and thus, in course of a few hours, he would
+raise enough vegetables to give his household a dinner. Another "dodge"
+of this artful old dodger, was to take all the coppers he got (and, of
+course, a poor creature like him handled a great many), and then go
+abroad among the stores and trade off six for a fourpence, and when he
+had four fourpences, get a quarter of a dollar for them, and thus in
+getting a dollar, he made four per cent., by several hours' disgusting
+meanness and labor.
+
+But one day the old miser ran foul of a snag. A market-man had watched
+him for some time purloining his vegetables, and on the first of the
+year, sent in a bill of several dollars, for turnips, potatoes,
+parsnips, &c. The old miser, of course, refused to pay the bill, denying
+ever having had "the goods." But the countryman called, in _propria
+persona_, refreshed his memory, and added, that, if the bill was not
+footed on sight, he should prosecute him for _stealing!_ This made the
+old miser shake in his boots. He blustered for awhile; then reasoned the
+case; then plead poverty. But the purveyor in vegetables was not the man
+to be cabbaged in that way, and the old miser called him into his
+sitting-room, and ordered his son, a wild young scamp, to go up stairs
+and see if he could find five dollars in any of the drawers or boxes up
+there. The young man finally called out--
+
+"Dad, which bag shall I take it out of, _the gold or silver_?"
+
+"Odd zounds!" bawled the old man--"the boy wants to let on I've got bags
+of gold and silver!"
+
+And so he had, many thousands of dollars in good gold and silver; he
+hobbled up stairs, got nine half dollars, and tried to get off fifty
+cents less than the countryman's bill; but the countryman was stubborn
+as a mule, and would not abate a farthing--so the old miser had to
+hobble up stairs and fetch down his fifty cents more, and the whole
+operation was like squeezing bear's grease from a pig's tail, or jerking
+out eye-teeth.
+
+The miser never waylaid the market-men again; and not long after this,
+he got a spurious dollar put upon him in one of his "exchanging"
+operations, and that wound up his penny shaving.
+
+Time passed--Death called upon the wretched man of ingots and money
+bags,--but while power remained to forbid it, the old miser refused to
+have a physician. When, to all appearance, his senses were gone, his
+friends drew the miser's pantaloons from under his pillow, where he had
+always insisted on their remaining during his sleeping hours, and his
+last illness--but as one of the attendants slowly removed the garment,
+the poor old man, with a convulsive effort--a galvanic-like grab--threw
+out his bony, cold hand, and seized his old pantaloons!
+
+The miser clutched them with a dying grasp; words struggled in his
+throat; he could not utter them; his jaw fell--he was dead!
+
+Much curiosity was manifested by the friends and relatives to know what
+could have caused the poor old man to cling to his time-worn pantaloons;
+but the mystery was soon revealed--for upon examination of the linings
+of the waistbands and watch-fob, over $30,000 in bank notes were there
+concealed!
+
+The Lord's pardon and human sympathy be with all such misguided and
+wretched slaves of--money, say we.
+
+
+
+
+Dog Day.
+
+
+I used to like dogs--a puppy love that I got bravely over, since once
+upon a time, when a Dutch _bottier_, in the city of Charleston, S. C.,
+put an end to my poor _Sue_,--the prettiest and most devoted female bull
+terrier specimen of the canine race you ever did see, I guess. My _Sue_
+got into the wrong pew, one morning; the crout-eating cordwainer and she
+had a dispute--he, the bullet-headed ball of wax, ups with his revolver,
+and--I was dogless! I don't think dogs a very profitable investment, and
+every man weak enough to keep a dog in a city, ought to pay for the
+luxury handsomely--to the city authorities. Some people have a great
+weakness for dogs. Some fancy gentlemen seem to think it the very apex
+of highcockalorumdom to have the skeleton of a greyhound and highly
+polished collar--following them through crowded thorough-fares. Some
+young ladies, especially those of doubtful ages, delight in caressing
+lumps of white, cotton-looking dumpy dogs and toting them around, to the
+disgust of the lookers-on--with all the fondness and blind infatuation
+of a mamma with her first born, bran new baby. Wherever you see any
+quantity of white and black _loafers_--Philadelphia, for instance,
+you'll see rafts of ugly and wretched looking curs. Boz says poverty and
+oysters have a great affinity; in this country, for oysters read _dogs_.
+Who has not, that ever travelled over this remarkable country, had
+occasion to be down on dogs? Who that has ever lain awake, for hours at
+a stretch, listening to a blasted cur, not worth to any body the powder
+that would blow him up--but has felt a desire to advocate the dog-law,
+so judiciously practised in all well-regulated cities? Who that ever
+had a sneaking villanous cur slip up behind and _nip_ out a patch of
+your trowsers, boot top and calf--the size of an oyster, but has felt
+for the pistol, knife or club, and sworn eternal enmity to the whole
+canine race? Who that ever had a big dog jump upon your Russia-ducks and
+patent leathers--just as he had come out of a mud-puddle, but has nearly
+forfeited his title to Christianity, by cursing aloud in his grief--like
+a trooper? Well, I have, for one of a thousand.
+
+The fact of the business is, with precious few exceptions, dogs are a
+nuisance, whatever Col. Bill Porter of the "Spirit," and his thousand
+and one dog-fancying and inquiring friends, may think to the contrary;
+and the man that will invest fifty real dollars in a dog-skin, has got a
+tender place in his head, not healed up as it ought to be.
+
+While "putting up," t'other day, at the Irving House, New York, I heard
+a good dog story that will bear repeating, I think. A sporting gent from
+the country, stopping at the Irving, wanted a dog, a good dog, not
+particular whether it was a spaniel, hound, pointer, English terrier or
+Butcher's bull. So a friend advised him to put an advertisement in the
+Sun and Spirit of the Times, which he did, requesting the "fancy" to
+bring along the right sort of dog to the Irving House, room number --.
+
+The advertisement appeared simultaneously in the two papers on Saturday.
+There were but few calls that day; but on Monday, the "Spirit" having
+been freely imbibed by its numerous readers over Sunday, the dog men
+were awake, and then began the scene. The occupant of room number --had
+scarcely got up, before a servant appeared with a man and a dog.
+
+"Believe, sir, you advertised for a dog?" quoth he with the animal.
+
+"Yes," was the response of the country fancy man, who, by the way, it
+must be premised, was rather green as to the quality and prices of fancy
+dogs.
+
+"What kind of a dog do you call that?" he added.
+
+"A greyhound, full blooded, sir."
+
+"Full blooded?" says the country sportsman. "Well, he don't look as
+though he had much blood in him. He'd look better, wouldn't he, mister,
+if he was full bellied--looks as hollow as a flute!"
+
+This remark, for a moment, rather staggered the dog man, who first
+looked at his dog and then at the critic. Choking down his dander, or
+disgust, says he:
+
+"That's the best greyhound you ever saw, sir."
+
+"Well, what do you ask for him?"
+
+"Seventy-five dollars."
+
+"What? Seventy-five dollars for that dog frame?"
+
+"I guess you're a fool any way," says the dog man: "you don't know a
+hound from a tan yard cur, you jackass! Phe-e-wt! come along, Jerry!"
+and the man and dog disappeared.
+
+The man with the hollow dog had not stepped out two minutes, before the
+servant appeared with two more dog merchants; both had their specimens
+along, and were invited to "step in."
+
+"Ah! that's a dog!" ejaculated the country sportsman, the moment his
+eyes lit upon the massive proportions of a thundering edition of Mt. St.
+Bernard.
+
+"That _is_ a dog, sir," was the emphatic response of the dog merchant.
+
+"How much do you ask for that dog?" quoth the sportsman.
+
+"Well," says the trader, patting his dog, "I thought of getting about
+fifty-five dollars for him, but I--"
+
+"Stop," interrupted the country sportsman, "that's enough--he won't
+suit, no how; I can't go them figures on dogs." The man and dog left
+growling, and the next man and dog were brought up.
+
+"Why, that's a queer dog, mister, ain't it? 'Tain't got no hair on it;
+why, where in blazes did you raise such a dog as that; been scalded,
+hain't it?" says the rural sportsman, examining the critter.
+
+"Scalded?" echoed the dog man, looking no ways amiable at the speaker,
+"why didn't you never see a Chinese terrier, afore?"
+
+"No, and if that's one, I don't care about seeing another. Why, he looks
+like a singed possum?"
+
+"Well, you're a pooty looking country jake, you are, to advertise for a
+_dog_, and don't know Chiney terrier from a singed possum?"
+
+Another rap at the door announced more dogs, and as the man opened it to
+get out with his singed possum, a genus who evidently "killed for
+Keyser," rushed in with a pair of the
+ugliest-looking--savage--snub-nosed, slaughter-house pups, "the fancy"
+might ever hope to look upon! As these meat-axish canines made a rush at
+the very boot tops of the country sportsman, he "shied off," pretty
+perceptibly.
+
+"Are you de man advertised for de dogs, sa-a-ay? You needn't be afraid
+o' dem; come a'here, lay da-own, Balty--day's de dogs, mister, vot you
+read of!"
+
+"Ain't they rather fierce?" asked the rural sportsman, eyeing the ugly
+brutes.
+
+"Fierce? Better believe dey are--show 'em a f-f-ight, if you want to see
+'em go in for de chances! You want to see der teeth?"
+
+"No, I guess not," timidly responded the sportsman; "they are not
+exactly what I want," he continued.
+
+"What," says Jakey, "don't want 'em? Why, look a'here, you don't go for
+to say dat you 'spect I'm agoin' for to fetch d-dogs clean down here,
+for nuthin', do you, sa-a-ay? Cos if you do, I'll jis drop off my duds
+and lam ye out o' yer boots!"
+
+Jakey was just beginning to square, when his belligerent propositions
+were suddenly nipped in the bud, by the servant opening the door and
+ushering in more dogs; and no sooner did Jakey's pups see the
+new-comers, than they went in; a fight ensued--both of Jakey's pups
+lighting down on an able-bodied, big-bone sorrel dog, who appeared
+perfectly happy in the transaction, and having a tremendous jaw of his
+own, made the bones of the pups crack with the high pressure he gave
+them. Of course a dog fight is the _cue_ for a man fight, and in the wag
+of a dead lamb's tail, Jakey and the proprietor of the sorrel dog had a
+dispute. Jakey was attitudinizing _a la_ "the fancy," when the sorrel
+dog man--who, like his dog, was got up on a liberal scale of strength
+and proportions--walked right into Jakey's calculations, and whirled him
+in double flip-flaps on to the wash-stand of the rural sportsman's room!
+Our sporting friend viewed the various combatants more in bodily fear
+than otherwise, and was making a break for the door, to clear himself,
+when, to his horror and amazement, he found the entry beset by sundry
+men and boys, and any quantity of dogs--dogs of every hue, size, and
+description. At that moment the chawed-up pups of Jakey, and their
+equally used-up master, came a rushing down stairs--another fight ensued
+on the stairs between Jakey's dogs and some others, and then a stampede
+of dogs--mixing up of dogs--tangling of ropes and straps--cursing and
+hurraing, and such a time generally, as is far better imagined than
+described. The boarders hearing such a wild outcry--to say nothing of
+the yelps of dogs, came out of their various rooms, and retired as
+quickly, to escape the stray and confused dogs, that now were ki-yi-ing,
+yelping, and pitching all over the house! By judicious marshalling of
+the servants--broom-sticks, rolling-pins and canes, the dogs and their
+various proprietors were ejected, and order once more restored; the
+country sportsman seized his valise, paid his bills and "vamosed the
+ranche," and ever after it was incorporated in the rules of the Irving,
+that gentlemen are strictly prohibited from dealing in dogs while
+"putting up" in that house.
+
+
+
+
+Amateur Gardening.
+
+
+"I don't see what in sin's become of them dahlias I set out this
+Spring," said Tapehorn, a retired slop-shop merchant, to his wife, one
+morning a month ago, as he hunted in vain among the weeds and grass of
+his garden, to see where or when his two-dollars-a-piece dahlia roots
+were going to appear.
+
+"Can't think what's the matter with 'em," he continued. "Goldblossom
+said they were the finest roots he ever sold--ought to be up and in
+bloom--two months ago."
+
+"Oh, pa, I forgot to tell you," said Miss Tapehorn, "that our Patrick,
+one morning last Spring, was digging in the garden there, and he turned
+up some things that looked just like sweet potatoes; mother and I looked
+at them, and thought they were potatoes those Mackintoshes had left
+undug when they moved away last winter!"
+
+"Well, you-a--" gasped Tapehorn.
+
+"Well, pa, ma and I had them all dug up and cooked, and they were the
+meanest tasting things we ever knew, and we gave them all to the pigs!"
+
+Tapehorn looked like a man in the last stages of disgust, and jamming
+his fists down into his pockets, he walked into the house, muttering:
+
+"Tut, tut, tut!--thirty-two dollars and the finest lot of dahlias in the
+world--_gone to the pigs!_"
+
+
+
+
+The Two Johns at the Tremont.
+
+
+It is somewhat curious that more embarrassments, and queer _contre
+temps_ do not take place in the routine of human affairs, when we find
+so _many_ persons floating about of one and the same name. It must be
+shocking to be named John Brown, troublesome to be called John Thompson,
+but who can begin to conceive the horrors of that man's situation, who
+has at the baptismal font received the title of _John Smith_?
+
+Now it only wants a slight accident, the most trivial occurrence of
+fate--the meeting of two or three persons of the same name, or of great
+similarity of name, to create the most singular and even ludicrous
+circumstances and tableaux. One of these affairs came off at the Tremont
+House, some time since. One Thomas Johns, a blue-nose Nova-Scotian--a
+man of "some pumpkins" and "persimmons" at home, doubtless, put up for a
+few days at the Tremont, and about the same time one John Thomas, a
+genuine son of John Bull, just over in one of the steamers, took up his
+quarters at the same respectable and worthy establishment.
+
+Thomas Johns was a linen draper, sold silks, satinets, linen, and
+dimities, at his establishment in the Provinces, and was also a
+politician, and "went on" for the part of magistrate, occasionally. John
+Thomas was a retired wine-merchant, and, having netted a bulky fortune,
+he took it into his head to _travel_, and as naturally as he despised,
+and as contemptuously as he looked upon this poor, wild, unsophisticated
+country of ours, he nevertheless condescended to come and look at us.
+
+Well, there they were, Thomas Johns, and John Thomas; one was "roomed"
+in the north wing, the other in the south wing. Thomas Johns went out
+and began reconnoitering among the Yankee shop-keepers. John Thomas,
+having a fortnight's pair of sea legs on, and full of bile and beer,
+laid up at his lodgings, and passed the first three days in "hazing
+around" the servants, and blaspheming American manners and customs.
+
+Old John was quietly snoring off his bottle after a sumptuous Tremont
+dinner, when a repeated rap, rap, rap at his door aroused him.
+
+"What are you--at?" growls John.
+
+"It's ma, zur?" says one of the Milesian servants.
+
+"Blast yer hies, what want yer?" again growls John.
+
+"If ye plaze, zur, there's a young man below wishes to see you," says
+the servant.
+
+"Ha, tell 'im to clear out!" John having predestinated the "young man,"
+he gave an apoplectic snort, relapsed into his lethargy, and the servant
+whirled down into the rotunda, and informed the "young man" what the
+gentleman desired.
+
+"He did, eh?" says the young man, who looked as if he might be a clerk
+in an importing house. The young man left, in something of a high
+dudgeon.
+
+"What'r yer at now?" roared John Thomas, a second time, roused by the
+servant's rat-tat-too.
+
+"It's a gentleman wants to see yez's, zur."
+
+"Tell him to go to the d--!" and John snored again.
+
+"Is John in?" asks the gentleman, as the servant returns.
+
+"Mister _Thomas_ did yez mane, zur?"
+
+"No, yes, it is (looking at his tablets) same thing, I suppose; Thomas
+Johns," says the gentleman.
+
+"I belave it's right, zur," says the servant.
+
+"Well, what did he say?"
+
+"Faith, I think he's not in a good humor, betwane us, zur; he says yez
+may go to the divil!"
+
+"Did he? Well, that's polite, any how--invite a gentleman to dine with
+him, and then meet him with such language as that. The infernal 'blue
+nose,' I'll pull it, I'll tweak it until he'll roar like a calf!" and
+off went "the gentleman," hot as No. 6.
+
+"I belave he's not in, zur," says the same servant, answering another
+inquiry for John Thomas, or Thomas Johns, the carriage driver was not
+certain which.
+
+"Oh, ho!" says the servant, "it's a ride ould John's going fur to take
+till himself, and didn't want any callers." Reaching John's door, he
+began his tattoo.
+
+"Be hang'd to ye, what'r ye at now?" growls John, partly up and dressed.
+
+"The carriage is here, zur."
+
+"What carriage is that?" growls John, continuing his toilet.
+
+"I don't know, zur; I'll go down and sae the _number_, if ye plaze."
+
+"Thunder and tommy! What do I care for the number? Go tell the
+carriage----"
+
+"To go to the divil, zur?" says the servant, in anticipation of the
+command.
+
+"No, you bog-trotter, go tell the carriage to wait."
+
+The servant went down, and John continued his toilet, muttering--
+
+"Ah, some of their _haccommodations_, I expect; these American
+landlords, as they style 'em in these infernal wild woods 'ere, do
+manage to give a body tolerable sort of haccommodations; ha, but they'll
+take care to look hout for the dollars. I don't know, tho', these
+fellers 'ere appear tolerably clever; want me to ride hout, I suppose,
+and see some of their Yankee lions. Haw! haw! _Lions!_ I wonder what
+they'd say hif they saw Lun'un, and looked at St. Paul's once!"
+
+Getting through his toilet--and it takes an Englishman as long to fix
+his stiff cravat and that _stiffer_ and stauncher shirt-collar, and rub
+his hat, than a Frenchman to rig out _tout ensemble_, to say nothing of
+the gallons of water and dozens of towels he uses up in the
+operation--John found the carriage waiting; he asked no questions, but
+jumped in.
+
+"Isn't there some others beside yourself going out, sir?" says the
+driver, supposing he had the right man, or one of them.
+
+"No; drive off--where are you going to drive me?"
+
+"Mount Auburn, sir, the carriage was ordered for."
+
+"Humph! Some of the _battle-grounds_, I suppose," John grunts to
+himself, falls into a fit of English doggedness, and the coach drives
+off.
+
+Thomas Johns made little or no noise or confusion in the house,
+consequently he was not known to the servants, and very little known to
+the clerks. John Thomas was another person--he was all fuss and
+feathers. He kept his bell ringing, and the servants rushing for towels
+and water, water and towels, boots and beer, beer and boots, the English
+papers, maps of America, &c., without cessation. He was John Thomas and
+Thomas Johns, one and indivisible.
+
+John got his ride, and returned to the hotel sulkier than ever; and by
+the time he got unrobed of his pea-jackets and huge shawls about his
+burly neck, he was telegraphed by a servant to come down; there was a
+gentleman below on business with him. John foreswore business, but the
+gentleman must see him, and up he came for that purpose. His
+unmistakable _mug_ told he was "an officer."
+
+"I've a bill against you, sir, $368,20. Must be paid immediately!" said
+the presenter, peremptorily.
+
+John was thunderstruck.
+
+"Me, and be hanged to ye!" says John, getting his breath.
+
+"Yes, sir, for goods packed at Smith & Brown's, for Nova Scotia. The
+bill was to be paid this morning, as you agreed, but you told the clerk
+to go to the d--l! Won't do, that sort of work, here. Pay the bill, or
+you must go with me!"
+
+John, when he found himself in custody, swore it was some infernal
+Yankee scheme to gouge him, and he started for the clerk's office,
+below, to have some explanation. As John and the officer reached the
+rotunda, a gentleman steps up behind John, and gives his nose a
+first-rate _lug_. They clinched, the bystanders and servants interposed,
+and John and his assailant were parted, and by this time the nose puller
+discovered he had the wrong man by the nose!
+
+"Is your name Thomas Johns?" says the nose puller.
+
+"Blast you, no!"
+
+"Who pays this bill for the carriage, if your name ain't Johns?" says a
+man with a bill for the carriage hire.
+
+"I allers heard as ow you Yan-gees were inquisitive, and sharp after the
+dollars, and I'm 'anged if you ain't awful. My name's John Thomas, from
+Lun'un, bound back again in the next steamer. Now who's got any thing
+against _me_?"
+
+Thomas Johns came in at this climax, an explanation ensued, John was
+relieved of his embarrassment, and all were finally satisfied, except
+John Thomas, who, venting a few bottles of his spleen on every body and
+all things--Americans especially--took to his bed and beer, and snorted
+for a week.
+
+
+
+
+The Yankee in a Boarding School.
+
+
+"Well, squire, as I wer' tellin' on ye, when I went around pedlin'
+notions, I met many queer folks; some on 'em so darn'd preoud and sassy,
+they wouldn't let a feller look at 'em; a-n-d 'd shut their doors and
+gates, _bang_ into a feller's face, jest as ef a Yankee pedler was a
+pizen sarpint! Then there waa-s t'other kind o' human critters, so pesky
+poor, or 'nation stingy, they'd pinch a fourpence till it'd squeal like
+a stuck pig. Ye-e-s, I do _swow_, I've met some critters so dog-ratted
+mean, that ef you had sot a steel trap onder their beds, a-n-d baited it
+with three cents, yeou'd a cotch ther con-feoun-ded souls afore
+mornin'!"
+
+"Massy sakes!" responded the squire.
+
+"Fact! by ginger!" echoed the ex-pedler.
+
+"Well, go on, Ab," said the squire, giving his pipe another 'charge,'
+and lighting up for the yarn Absalom Slamm had promised the gals, soon
+as the quilt was out and refreshments were handed around.
+
+"Go on, Ab--let's hear abeout that scrape yeou had with the school marm
+and her gals."
+
+"Wall, I _will_, squire; gals, spread yeourselves areound and squat;
+take care o' yeour corset strings, and keep deth-ly still. Wall; neow,
+yeou all sot? Hain't none o' ye been in the pedlin' business, I guess;
+wall, no matter, tho' it's dread-ful pleasant sometimes: then again at
+others, 'taint."
+
+"Go on, Ab, go on," said the squire.
+
+"Ye-e-s; wall, as I was saying, 'beout tradin', none o' yeou ever been
+in the tradin' way? Wall, it deon't matter a cent; as I was agoin' to
+say, I had hard, hard luck one season--got clean busted all tew smash!
+O-o-o! it was _dre-a-a-dful times_; jest abeout the time Gineral Jackson
+clapped his _we-toe_ on the hull o' the banks, kersock. Wall, yeou see,
+I got broke all tew flinders. My ole hoss died, the sun and rain beat up
+my wagon, I sold eout my notions tew a feller that paid me all in
+ceounter-fit money, and then he dug eout, as Parson Dodge says, to
+undiskivered kedn'try.
+
+"There was only one way abeout it; I was beound to dew somethin',
+instead o' goin' to set deown and blubber; and as I layed stretched eout
+in bed one Sunday morning, in Marm Smith's tavern, in the cockloft among
+the old stuff, I spies a darn'd ole consarn that took my fancy immazin'!
+As Deb Brown said, when she 'sperienced rele-gen, I felt my sperrets
+raisin' me clean eout o' bed, and eout I beounced, like a pea in a hot
+skillet. Deown I goes to Marm Smith; the ole lady was dressed up to
+death in her Sunday-go-to-meetin's, and jest as preoud and sassy as her
+darn'd ole skin ceould heould in.
+
+"'Marm Smith,' sez I, 'yeou hain't got no ole stuff yeou deon't want tew
+sell nor nuthin', dew ye?'
+
+"'_Ab Slamm_,' sez she, plantin' her thumbs on her hip joints, and as
+the milishey officer ses on trainin' day, comin' at me, 'right face,'
+she spread herself like a clapboard. 'Ab Slamm,' sez she, 'what on airth
+possesses yeou to talk o' tradin' on the Sabbath?'
+
+"'Wall,' sez I, 'Marm Smith, yeou needn't take on so 'beout it; I guess
+a feller kin ax a question witheout tradin' or breakin' the Sabbath all
+tew smash, either! Neow,' says I, 'yeou got some ole plunder up ther in
+the cockloft, where yeou stuck me to sleep; 'tain't much use to yeou,
+and one article I see I want to trade fur.'
+
+"Wall, we didn't trade _'zactly_. Marm Smith, yeou see, got
+dre-e-e-adful relejus 'beout that time--wouldn't let her gals draw ther
+breth scacely, and shot her roosters all up in the cellar every Sunday.
+Fact, by ginger! Wall, yeou see, Marm Smith were agin tradin' on Sunday,
+but she sed I might arrange it with Ben, her barkeeper, and so I got the
+instrument, _any heow_."
+
+"What was it, Ab?" inquired the squire.
+
+"Massy sakes, tell us!" says the gals.
+
+"I sha'n't dew it, till I tell the hull abeout it," Ab replied, rather
+choosing, like Captain Cuttle, to break the gist of his information into
+small chunks, and so make it the more _telling_ and comparatively
+interesting.
+
+"When I got the _instrument_, and paid Marm Smith my board bill, I wer
+in possession of a cash capital of jest three fo'pences. I took my
+jack-knife, and unjinted the instrument, cleaned it off, then wrapped
+the different sections up in a paper, put the hull in my little yaller
+trunk, and dug eout. When I got clean eout o' sight and hearin' of
+everybody I'd ever hear'n tell on, I stopped r-i-g-h-t in my track. My
+cash capital wer gone, my mortal remains were holler as a flute, and my
+old trunk had worn a hole clean through the shoulder o' my best Sunday
+coat. I put up, and sez I tew the landlord:
+
+"'Squire, what sort o' place is this for a sheow?'
+
+"'For a sh-e-ow?' sez he.
+
+"'Ye-e-e-s,' sez I.
+
+"'What a' yeou got to sh-e-o-w?' sez he.
+
+"'The most wonderful instrument ever inwent-'d,' sez I.
+
+"'What's 't fur?' sez he.
+
+"'For the wimen,' sez I.
+
+"'O! sez he, lookin' alfired peart and smeart, as tho' he'd seen a flock
+o' l'fants; 'quack doctor, I s'pose, eh?'
+
+"'No, I ben't a quack doctor, nuther,' sez I, priming up at the
+insin-i-wa-tion.
+
+"'Wall, what on airth hev yeou got, _any heow_?' sez he.
+
+"When he 'poligized in that sort o' way, in course I up and told him
+the full perticklers 'beout a wonderful _instrument_ I had for the
+ladies and wimen folks. A-n-d heow I wanted to sheow it before some o'
+the female sim-i-nar-ries, and give a lectoor on't.
+
+"'By bunker!' sez he, 'then yeou've cum jest teou the spot; three miles
+up the road is the great _Jargon Institoot_, 'spressly for young ladies,
+wher they teach 'em the 'rethmetic, French scollopin', and High-tall-ion
+curlycues; dancin', tight-lacin', hair-dressin', and so forth, with the
+use of curlin' irons, forty pinanners, and parfumeries chuck'd in.'
+
+"'Yeou deon't _say_ so?' sez I.
+
+"'Yes, I doos,' sez he; and then yeou had orter seen me make streaks fur
+the Jargon Institoot.
+
+"I feound the place, knocked on the door, and a feller all starch'd up,
+lookin' cruel nice, kem and opened the door. I axed if the marm were in.
+Then he wanted tew kneow which of 'em I wanted tew see. 'The head marm
+of the Institoot,' sez I. 'Please to give me yeour keard,' sez he. 'You
+be darn'd,' sez I; 'I'd have yeou know, mister,' sez I, 'I don't deal in
+_keards_--never did, nuther!'
+
+"The feller show'd a heap o' ivory, and brought deown the head marm. It
+weould a' dun Marm Smith's ole heart good to seen this dre-e-a-d-ful
+pius critter. She looked mighty nice, a-n-d she scolloped reound, and
+beow'd and cut an orful quantity o' capers, when I ondid my business to
+her. I went on and told her heow in course o' travel--
+
+"'In furrin pearts?' sez she.
+
+"'Yes,' sez I--'I kim across a great instrument,' sez I. 'It was well
+known to the wimen and ladies o' the past gin-i-rations,' sez I.
+
+"'The an-shants?' sez she.
+
+"'Yes, marm,' sez I. Then she axed me wether it wer a wind instrer-ment
+or a stringed instrer-ment. A-n-d I told her it wer a stringed
+instrer-ment, but went on the hurdy-gurdy pren-cipl', with a crank or
+treddle. But what I moost dwelt on, as the ox-ion-eer sez, were the
+great combinations of the instrer-ment, a-n-d I piled it up
+dre-e-e-adful! I told the marm I wanted to git the thing patented, and
+put before the people--the wimen and ladies in per-tick'ler--so that
+every gal in the univarsal world could play upon it--exercise her hands,
+strengthen her arms and chist, give her form a nater-al de-welop-ment,
+and so make the hull grist o' wimen critters useful, as well as
+or-namental, as my instrer-ment was a useful necessity; for while it
+lent grace and beauty to the female form, and gin forth fust rate music,
+it was par-fect-ly scriptooral; it ceould be made to clothe the naked
+and feed the hon-gry. My il-o-quince had the marm. She 'greed to buy one
+of my machines _straight_ fur use of her _Institoot_--each school-gal to
+'put in' by next day, when I wer to bring the instrer-ment, get my $40,
+and deliver a lectoor on it. Next mornin', bright and early, I wer
+there; the _puss_ wer made up, and the gals nigh abeout bilin' over with
+curiosity to see my wonderful _hand-limberer, arm-strengthener,
+chist-expander, female-beautifier, and univarsal musical machine!_ When
+they all got assembled, I ondid the machine; they wer still as death!
+When I sot it up, they wer breathless with wonderment; when I started
+it, they gin a gineral screech of delight. Then I sot deown and played
+'em _old hund'erd_, and every gal in the room vowed right eout she'd
+have one made _straight!_ O-o-o! yeou'd a died to seen the excitement
+that instrer-ment made in Jargon Institoot. The head marm wanted my
+ortergraff, and each o' the gals a lock o' my hair. But just then, a
+confeounded ole woolly-headed Virginny nigger wench, cook o' the Jargon
+Institoot, kem in, and the moment she clapped her ole eyes on my
+inwention, she roared reight eout, 'O! de _Lud_, ef dar ain't one de ole
+Virginny _spinnin' wheels!_' I kinder had bus'ness somewheres else
+'beout that time! I took with a leaving!"
+
+
+
+
+A Dreadful State of Excitement.
+
+
+A retrospective view of some ten or fifteen years, brings up a wonderful
+"heap of notions," which at their birth made quite a different sensation
+from that which their "bare remembrance" would seem to sanction now. The
+statement made in a "morning paper" before us, of a fine horse being
+actually scared stone and instantaneously dead, by a roaring and hissing
+locomotive, brings to mind "a circumstance," which though it did not
+exactly _do our knitting_, it came precious near the climax!
+
+Some years ago, upon what was then considered the "frontier" of
+Missouri, we chanced to be laid up with a "game leg," in consequence of
+a performance of a bullet-headed mule that we were endeavoring to coerce
+at the end of a corn stalk, for his "intervention" in a fodder stack to
+which he could lay no legitimate claim. About two miles from our
+"lodgings" was a store, a "grocery," shotecary pop, boots, hats,
+gridirons, whiskey, powder and shot, &c., &c., and the post office.
+About three times a week, we used to hobble down to this modern ark, to
+read the news, see what was going on down in the world, and--pass a few
+hours with the proprietor of the store, who chanced to be a man with
+whom we had had a former acquaintance "in other climes." Well, one day,
+we dropped down to the store, and found pretty much all the men
+folks--and they were not numerous around there, the houses or cabins
+being rather scattering--getting ready to go down the river (Missouri)
+some ten miles, to see a notorious desperado "stretch hemp." My friend
+Captain V----, the storekeeper, was about to go along too, and proposed
+that we should mount and accompany him, or--stay and tend store. We
+accepted the latter proposition, as we were in no travelling kelter, and
+had no taste for performances on the tight rope. Having officiated for
+Captain V---- on several former occasions, we had the run of his
+"grocery" and _postal_ arrangements quite fluent enough to take charge
+of all the trade likely to turn up that day; so the captain and his
+friends started, promising a return before sunset.
+
+One individual, living some seven miles up the road, called for his
+newspaper, and got his jug filled, spent a couple of hours with us--put
+out, and was succeeded by two squalid Indians, with some skins to trade
+for corn juice and tobacco; they cleared out, and about two or three P.
+M., some _movers_ came along; we had a little dicker with them, and that
+closed up the business accounts of the day.
+
+Having discussed all the availables, from the contents of the post
+office--seven newspapers and four letters per quarter!--to the crackers
+and cheese, and business being essentially stagnated, we ups and lies
+down upon the top of the counter, to take a nap. Captain V----'s store
+was a log building, about 15 by 30, and stood near the edge of the
+woods, and at least half a mile from any habitation, except the
+schoolhouse and blacksmith's shop, two small huts, and at that time--"in
+coventry." Captain V---- was a bachelor; he boarded--that is, he took
+his meals at the nearest house--half a mile back from the wood, and
+slept in his store. We soon fell into the soft soothing arms of
+Morpheus, and--slept. It was fine mild weather--September, and, of
+course, the door was wide open. How long we slept we were not at all
+conscious, but were aroused by a heavy hand that gave us a hearty shake
+by the shoulder, and in a rather sepulchral voice says--
+
+"How are you?"
+
+Gods! we were up quick, for our sleep had been visited by dreams of
+southwest tragedies, hanging scrapes, and other nightmare affairs, and
+as we opened our eyes and caught a glimpse of the double-fisted,
+cadaverous fellow standing over us, a strong inclination to go off into
+a cold sweat seized us! Lo! it was after sunset! Almost dark in the
+store, the stars had already began to twinkle in the sky.
+
+Captain V---- did a considerable trade at his store, and at times had
+considerable sums of money laying around. Upon leaving in the morning,
+he notified us, in case we should require _change_, to look into the
+desk, where he kept a shot bag of silver coin, and--his pistols.
+
+"How are you?" the words and manner and looks of the man gave us a cold
+chill.
+
+"How do you do?" we managed to respond, at the same time sliding down
+behind the counter. The stranger had a heavy walking stick in his hand,
+and a knapsack looking bundle swung to his shoulder. He looked like the
+rough remnants of an ill-spent life; had evidently travelled somewhere
+where barbers, washer-women and such like civilian delicacies, were more
+matters of tradition than fact.
+
+"Been asleep, eh?" he carelessly continued.
+
+"It appears so," said we, feeling no better or more satisfactory in our
+mind, and no reason to, for night was now closing in, and we were going
+through our performances by the slight illumination of the stars,
+without any positive certainty as to where the Captain kept his tinder
+box and candle, that we might furnish some sort of light upon the
+lugubrious state of affairs.
+
+"Do you keep this store?"
+
+"No, we do not," we answered, watching the man as he put his bundle down
+upon the counter.
+
+"Who does?" was the next question.
+
+"The gentleman who keeps it," we replied, "is away to-day."
+
+"Ah, gone to see a poor human being put out of the world, eh?"
+
+We said "yes," or something of the kind, and thought to ourself, no
+doubt you know all that's going on of that sort of business like a book,
+and a host of other ideas flashed across our mind, while all the evil
+deeds of note transacted in that region for the past ten years, seemed
+awakened in our mind's eye, working up our nervous system, until the
+coon skin cap upon our excited head stood upon about fifteen hairs, with
+the strange and overwhelming impression that our time had come! We would
+have given the State of Missouri--if it were in our possession, to have
+heard Captain V----'s voice, or even have had a fair chance to dash out
+at the door, and give the fellow before us a specimen of tall
+walking--lame as we were!
+
+"Ain't you got a _light_? I'd think you'd be a little timid (a _little_
+timid!) about laying around here, alone, in the dark, too?" said the
+fellow, sticking one hand into his coat pocket, and gazing sharply
+around the store. Mock heroically says we--
+
+"Afraid? Afraid of what?" our valor, like Bob Acres', oozing out at our
+fingers.
+
+"These outlaws you've got around here," said he. "They say the man they
+hanged to-day was a decent fellow to what some are, who prowl around in
+this country!"
+
+We very modestly said, "that such fellows never bothered us."
+
+"Do you sleep in this store--live here?"
+
+"No, sir, we don't," was our answer.
+
+"Where do you lodge and get your eating?"
+
+"First house up the road."
+
+"How far is it?" says he.
+
+"Half a mile or less."
+
+"Well, close up your shop, and come along with me!" says the fellow.
+
+Now we were coming to the _tableaux!_ He wanted us to step outside in
+order that the business could be done for us, with more haste and
+certainty, and we really felt as good as assassinated and hid in the
+bushes! It was quite astonishing how our visual organs intensified! We
+could see every wrinkle and line in the fellow's face, could almost
+count the stitches in his coat, and the more we looked, and the keener
+and more searching became our observation, the more atrocious and subtle
+became the fellow and his purpose. With a firmness that astonished
+ourself, we said--
+
+"_No, Sir_; if _you_ have business there or elsewhere, you had better
+_go!_" and with this determined speech, we walked up to the desk, and
+with the air of a "man of business" or the nonchalance of a hero, says
+we--
+
+"What are you after--have you any business with _us_?"
+
+"You're kind of crusty, Mister," says he. "I'm canvassing this
+State,--_wouldn't you like to subscribe for a first-rate map of
+Missouri_, OR A NEW EDITION OF JOSEPHUS?"
+
+We felt too mean all over to "subscribe," but we found a light, and soon
+found in the stranger one of the best sort of fellows, a man of
+information and morality, and, though he had _looked_ dangerous, he
+turned out harmless as a lamb, and we got intimate as brothers before
+Captain V---- returned that night.
+
+
+
+
+Ralph Waldo Emerson.
+
+
+Of all the public lecturers of our time and place, none have attracted
+more attention from the press, and consequently the people, than RALPH
+WALDO EMERSON.
+
+Lecturing has become quite a fashionable science--and now, instead of
+using the old style phrases for illustrating facts, we call travelling
+preachers perambulating showmen, and floating politicians, _lecturers_.
+
+As a lecturer, Ralph Waldo Emerson is extensively known around these
+parts; but whether his lectures come under the head of law, logic,
+politics, Scripture, or the show business, is a matter of much
+speculation; for our own part, the more we read or hear of Ralph, the
+more we don't know what it's all about.
+
+Somebody has said, that to his singularity of style or expression,
+Carlyle and his works owe their great notoriety or fame--and many
+compare Ralph Waldo to old Carlyle. They cannot trace exactly any great
+affinity between these two great geniuses of the flash literary school.
+Carlyle writes vigorously, quaintly enough, but almost always speaks
+when he says something; on the contrary, our flighty friend Ralph speaks
+vigorously, yet says nothing! Of all men that have ever stood and
+delivered in presence of "a reporter," none surely ever led these
+indefatigable knights of the pen such a wild-goose chase over the
+verdant and flowery pastures of King's English, as Ralph Waldo Emerson.
+In ordinary cases, a reporter well versed in his art, catches a sentence
+of a speaker, and goes on to fill it out upon the most correct
+impression of what was intended, or what is implied. But no such
+license follows the outpourings of Mr. Emerson; no thought can fathom
+his intentions, and quite as bottomless are even his finished sentences.
+We have known "old stagers," in the newspaporial line, veteran
+reporters, so dumbfounded and confounded by the first fire of Ralph, and
+his grand and lofty acrobating in elocution, that they up, seized their
+hat and paper, and sloped, horrified at the prospect of an attempt to
+"take down" Mr. Emerson.
+
+If Roaring Ralph touches a homely mullen weed, on a donkey heath,
+straightway he makes it a full-blown rose, in the land of Ophir,
+shedding an odor balmy as the gales of Arabia; while with a facility the
+wonderful London auctioneer Robbins might envy, Ralph imparts to a
+lime-box, or pig-sty, a negro hovel, or an Irish shanty, all the
+romance, artistic elegance and finish of a first-class manor-house, or
+Swiss cottage, inlaid with alabaster and fresco, surrounded by elfin
+bowers, grand walks, bee hives, and honeysuckles.
+
+Ralph don't group his metaphorical beauties, or dainties of Webster,
+Walker, &c., but rushes them out in torrents--rattles them down in
+cataracts and avalanches--bewildering, astounding, and incomprehensible.
+He hits you upon the left lug of your knowledge box with a metaphor so
+unwieldy and original, that your breath is soon gone--and before it is
+recovered, he gives you another _rhapsody_ on t'other side, and as you
+try to steady yourself, _bim_ comes another, heavier than the first two,
+while a fourth batch of this sort of elocution fetches you a bang over
+the eyes, giving you a vertigo in the ribs of your bewildered senses,
+and before you can say "God bless us!" down he has you--_cobim!_ with a
+deluge of high-heeled grammar and three-storied Anglo Saxon, settling
+your hash, and brings you to the ground by the run, as though you were
+struck by lightning, or in the way of a 36-pounder! Ralph Waldo is death
+and an entire _stud_ of pale horses on flowery expressions and
+japonica-domish flubdubs. He revels in all those knock-kneed, antique,
+or crooked and twisted words we used all of us to puzzle our brains over
+in the days of our youth, and grammar lessons and rhetoric exercises. He
+has a penchant as strong as cheap boarding-house butter, for
+mystification, and a free delivery of hard words, perfectly and
+unequivocally wonderful. We listened one long hour by the clock of
+Rumford Hall, one night, to an outpouring of _argumentum ad hominem_ of
+Mr. Emerson's--at what? A boy under an apple tree! If ten persons out of
+the five hundred present were put upon their oaths, they could no more
+have deciphered, or translated Mr. Ralph's argumentation, than they
+could the hieroglyphics upon the walls of Thebes, or the sarcophagus of
+old King Pharaoh! When Ralph Waldo opens, he may be as calm as a May
+morn--he may talk for five minutes, like a book--we mean a
+common-sensed, understandable book; but all of a sudden the fluid will
+strike him--up he goes--down he fetches them. He throws a double
+somerset backwards over Asia Minor--flip-flaps in Greece--wings
+Turkey--and _skeets_ over Iceland; here he slips up with a flower
+garden--a torrent of gilt-edged metaphors, that would last a country
+parson's moderate demand a long lifetime, are whirled with the fury and
+fleetness of Jove's thunderbolts. After exhausting his sweet-scented
+receiver of this floral elocution, he pauses four seconds; pointing to
+vacuum, over the heads of his audience, he asks, in an anxious tone, "Do
+you see that?" Of course the audience are not expected to be so
+unmannerly as to ask "What?" If they were, Ralph would not give them
+time to "go in," for after asking them if they see _that_, he
+continues--
+
+"There! Mark! Note! It is a malaria prism! Now, then; here--there; see
+it! Note it! Watch it!"
+
+During this time, half of the audience, especially the old women and the
+children, look around, fearful of the ceiling falling in, or big bugs
+lighting on them. But the pause is for a moment, and anxiety ceases when
+they learn it was only a false alarm, only--
+
+"Egotism! The lame, the pestiferous exhalation or concrete malformation
+of society!"
+
+You breathe freer, and Ralph goes in, gloves on.
+
+"Egotism! A metaphysical, calcareous, oleraceous amentum of--society!
+The mental varioloid of this sublunary hemisphere! One of its worst
+feelings or features is, the craving of sympathy. It even loves
+sickness, because actual pain engenders signs of sympathy. All
+cultivated men are infected more or less with this dropsy. But they are
+still the leaders. The life of a few men is the life of every place. In
+Boston you hear and see a few, so in New York; then you may as well die.
+Life is very narrow. Bring a few men together, and under the spell of
+one calm genius, what frank, sad confessions will be made! Culture is
+the suggestion from a few best thoughts that a man should not be a
+charlatan, but temper and subdue life. Culture redresses his balance,
+and puts him among his equals. It is a poor compliment always to talk
+with a man upon his _specialty_, as if he were a cheese-mite, and was
+therefore strong on Cheshire and Stilton. Culture takes the grocer out
+of his molasses and makes him genial. We pay a heavy price for those
+fancy goods, Fine Arts and Philosophy. No performance is worth loss of
+geniality. That unhappy man called of genius, is an unfortunate man.
+Nature always carries her point despite the means!"
+
+If that don't convince you of Ralph's high-heeled, knock-kneed logic, or
+_au fait_ dexterity in concocting flap-doodle mixtures, you're ahead of
+ordinary intellect as far as this famed lecturer is in advance of gin
+and bitters, or opium discourses on--delirium tremens!
+
+In short, Ralph Waldo Emerson can wrap up a subject in more mystery and
+science of language than ever a defunct Egyptian received at the hands
+of the mummy manufacturers! In person, Mr. Ralph is rather a pleasing
+sort of man; in manners frank and agreeable; about forty years of age,
+and a native of Massachusetts. As a lawyer, he would have been the
+horror of jurors and judges; as a lecturer, he is, as near as possible,
+what we have described him.
+
+
+
+
+Humbug.
+
+
+There is no end to the humbug in life. About half we say, and more than
+half we do, is tinged with humbug. "My Dear Sir," we say, when we
+address a letter to a fellow we have never seen, and if seen, perhaps
+don't care a continental cent for him; _dear_ sir! what a humbug
+expression! "Good morning," (what a lie!) says one, as he meets another
+_one_, on a stormy and nasty day, "quite a disagreeable wet day!" What's
+the use of such a humbug expression as that? If it's a disagreeable and
+stormy day, every body finds it out, naturally. Full half of the people
+who appear solicitous about your _health_, display a gratuitous amount
+of humbug, for your pocket-book is more beloved than your health; and we
+have often wondered why matter-of-fact people don't out with it, when
+they meet, and say--"How's your pocket to-day? Sorry to hear you're out
+of _money!_" Or, instead of soft soap, when they meet, why not discard
+humbug, and say, "Sorry to see you--was blackguarding you all day!"
+instead of "Glad to see you--have been _thinking_ of you to-day!" or,
+"I'm glad to see you've been elected Mayor of the city!" when in fact
+they mean, "Curse you, I wish you had been defeated!" Compliments
+_pass_, they say, when _gentlemen_ meet, but, as there are so many
+counterfeit gentry around, now-a-days, you may bet high that half the
+_compliments_ that _pass_ are--_mere bogus!_
+
+
+
+
+Hotel Keeping.
+
+
+Fortunes are made--very readily, it is said, in our large cities, by
+Hotel keeping. It does look money-making business to a great many
+people, who stop in a large hotel a day or two, and perhaps, after
+eating about two meals out of six--walking in quietly and walking out
+quietly--no fuss, no feathers, find themselves _taxed_ four or five
+dollars!
+
+We have had occasion to know something of travel and travellers, hotels,
+hotel-keepers and their bills, and it _has_ now and then entered our
+head that money was or could be made--in the hotel business. We _have_
+stopped in houses where we honestly concluded--we got our money's worth,
+and we have again had reason to believe ourselves grossly shaved, in a
+"first-class" hotel, at two dollars a day--all hurry-scurry, poked up in
+the cock-loft, mid bugs, dirt, heat and effluvia, very little better
+than a Dutch tavern in fly time.
+
+We did not fail to observe at the same time, that cool impudence and
+clamor had a most mollifying effect upon landlord and his _attaches_,
+the tinsel and mere electrotypes passing for real bullion, galvanized
+_hums_ by their noise and pretensions faring fifty per cent. better for
+the same _price_--than the more republican, quiet and human wayfarer.
+
+Under such auspices, it is not at all wonderful that ourself and scores
+of others, paying two dollars and a half per diem, got what we could
+catch, while Kossuth, and a score of his followers, fared and were
+favored like princes of a monarchical realm--"though all _dead heads!_"
+
+Hotels now-a-days must be _showy_, abounding in tin foil, Dutch metal
+and gamboge, a thousand of the "modern improvements"--mere clap-trap,
+and as foreign to the solid comforts of solid people, as icebergs to
+Norwegians or "east winds" to the consumptive. Without the show, they
+would be quite deserted; men will pay for this _show_, must pay for it,
+and all this show costs money; Turkey carpets, life-size mirrors,
+ottomans and marble slabs, from dome to kitchen, _draw well_, and those
+who indulge in the dance, must pay the piper.
+
+The fact is, most people understand these things about as well as we do,
+and it but remains for us to give a daguerreotype of a _few customers_
+which landlords or their clerks and servants now and then meet. The
+conductor of one of our first-class houses, gives us such a truly
+piquant and matter-of-fact picture of _his_ experience, that we _up_ and
+copy it, believing, as we do, that the reader will see some information
+and amusement in the subject.
+
+A fussy fellow takes it into his head that he will go on a little tour,
+he pockets a few dollars and a clean dickey or two, and--comes to town.
+He's no green horn--O! no, he ain't, he has been around some--he has,
+and knows a thing or two, and something over. He is dumped out of the
+cars with hundreds of others, in the great depots, and is assailed by
+vociferous _whips_ who, in quest of stray dimes, watch the incoming
+_trains_ and shout and bawl--
+
+"Eh 'up! Tremont House!"
+
+"Up--_a!_ American House--right away!"
+
+"Ha! _up!_ Right off for the Revere!"
+
+"Here's the coach--already for the United States!"
+
+"Yee 'up! now we go, git in, best house in town, all ready for the
+Winthrop House!"
+
+"Eh 'up, _ha!_ now we are off, for the Pavilion!"
+
+"Exchange Coffee House--dollar a day, four meals, no extra charge--right
+along this way, sir!"
+
+"Hoo-_ray_, this coach--take you right up, Exchange Hotel!"
+
+"Jump in, tickets for your baggage, sir, take you up--right off, best
+house in town, hot supper waitin'--way for the Adams House!"
+
+And so they yell and grab at you, and our fussy friend, having heard of
+the tall arrangements and great doings of the _American_, he hands
+himself over to the coachman, and with a load of others he is rolled
+over to that institution, in a jiffy. Our fussy friend is slightly "took
+down" at the idea of paying for the hauling up, having a notion that
+that was a part of the accommodation! However, he ain't a going to look
+small or verdant; so he pays the coachman, grabs his valise, and rushes
+into the long colonnaded office; and making his way to the _register_,
+slams down his baggage, and in a dignified, authoritative manner, says--
+
+"A room!"
+
+"Yes, sir," responds the Colonel, or some of the clerks--who may be
+officiating.
+
+"Supper!" says Capt. Fussy, in the same tone of command.
+
+"Certainly, sir--please register your name, sir!"
+
+Captain Fussy off's gloves, seizes the pen, and down goes his autograph,
+Captain Fussy, Thumperstown, N. H.
+
+"Now, I want a hot steak!" says he.
+
+"You can have it, sir!" blandly replies the Colonel.
+
+"Hot chocolate," continues Fussy.
+
+"Certainly, sir!"
+
+"Eggs, poached, and a--hot roll!"
+
+"They'll be all ready, sir."
+
+"How soon?"
+
+"Five minutes, sir," says the Colonel, talking to a dozen at the same
+time.
+
+"Ah, well--show me my room!" says Captain Fussy.
+
+The bells are ringing--servants running to and fro, like witches in a
+whirlwind; fifty different calls--tastes--orders and fancies, are being
+served, but Capt. Fussy is attended to, a servant seizes his valise and
+a taper, and in the most winning way, cries--
+
+"This way, sir, _right along!_" With a measured tread and the air of a
+man who knew what it was all about, the Captain follows the _garcon_ and
+mounts one flight of the broad stairs, and is about to ascend another,
+when it strikes him that he's not going up to the top of the house,
+nohow!
+
+"Where are you going to take me to--up into the garret?"
+
+"Oh! no, sir; your room's only 182; that's only on the third floor!"
+
+"Third floor!" cries Capt. Fussy, "take _me_ up into the third story?"
+
+"Plenty of gentlemen on the fifth and sixth floors, sir," says the
+servant, and he goes ahead, Capt. Fussy following, muttering--
+
+"Pooty doin's this, taking a _gentleman_ up three of these cussed long
+stairs, to room 182! I'll see about this, I will; mus'n't come no gammon
+over me; I'm able to pay, and want the worth of my money!"
+
+The third floor is reached, and after a brief meandering along the
+halls, 182 is arrived at, the door thrown open and Capt. Fussy is
+ushered in; his first effort is to find fault with the carpets,
+furniture, bedding or something, but as he had never probably seen such
+a general arrangement for ease, comfort and convenience--he caved in and
+merely gave a deep-toned--
+
+"_Ah._ Got better rooms than this, ain't you?"
+
+"There may be, sir, a few better rooms in the house, not many," said the
+servant.
+
+"Well, you may go--but stop--how soon'll my supper be ready?"
+
+"There'll be a supper set at eight, another at nine, sir."
+
+"Ah, four minutes of eight," says Fussy, pulling out a "bull's eye"
+watch, with as much flourish as if it was a premium eighteen-_carat
+lever_. "Well, call me when you've got supper ready, do you hear?"
+
+"Yes, sir; but you'll hear the gong."
+
+"The gong--what's that? Ain't you got no bells?"
+
+"The gong is used, sir, instead of bells," says the servant.
+
+"_Ah_, well, clear out--but say, I want a fire in here."
+
+"Yes, sir; I'll send up a fireman."
+
+"A fireman? What do I want with _firemen_? Bring in some wood, and,
+stranger--start up--a hello! thunder and saw mills, what's all that
+racket about--house a-fire?"
+
+"No, _sir!_" says the grinning servant--"the _gong_--supper's on the
+table!"
+
+"_Ah_, very well; go ahead; where's the room?"
+
+Conducted to the dining-room, Capt. Fussy's eyes stretch at the
+wholesale display of table-cloths, arm-chairs, "crockery" and cutlery,
+mirrors and white-aproned waiters. A seat is offered him, he dumps
+himself down, amazed but determined to look and act like one used to
+these affairs, from the hour of his birth!
+
+"I ordered hot steak, poached eggs--hain't you got 'em?"
+
+"Certainly, sir!" says the waiter, and the steak and eggs are at hand.
+
+"Coffee or tea, sir?" another servant inquires.
+
+"Coffee and tea! Humph, I ordered chocolate--hain't you got chocolate?"
+
+"Oh, yes, sir; there it is."
+
+"_Ah_, umph!" and Fussy gazes around and turns his nose slightly up, at
+the whole concern, waiters, guests, table, steak, eggs, chocolate,
+and--even the tempting hot rolls--before him.
+
+Fussy calls for a glass of water, wants to know if there's fried oysters
+on the table; he finds there is not, and Fussy frowns and asks for a
+lobster salad, which the waiter informs him is never used at supper, in
+that hotel.
+
+Eventually, Capt. Fussy being _crammed_, after an hour's diligent
+feeding, fuss and feathers, retires, asks all sorts of questions about
+people and places, at the _office_; what time trains start and steamers
+come, omnibuses here and stages there, all of which he is politely
+answered, of course, and he finally goes to his room, rings his bell
+every ten minutes, for an hour, and then--goes to bed; next day puts the
+servants and clerks over another course, and on the third day--calls for
+his bill, finds but few extras charged, hands over a _five_, puts on his
+gloves, seizes his valise, looks savagely dignified and stalks out, big
+as two military officers in regimentals!
+
+"_Ah_," says Fussy, as he reaches the street, "_I_ put 'em through--_I
+guess I got the worth of my money!_"
+
+We calculate he did!
+
+
+
+
+"According to Gunter."
+
+
+Old Gunter was going home t'other night with a very heavy "turkey
+on"--about a forty-four pounder. Gunter accused the pavements of being
+icy, and down he came--_kerchug!_ A "young lady" coming along,
+fidgetting and finiking, she made a very sudden and opposite _ricochet_,
+on seeing Gunter feeling the ground, and making abortive attempts to
+"riz." Gunter's gallantry was "up;" he knew his own weakness, and saw
+the difficulty with the "young lady;" so making a very determinate
+effort to get on his pins, Gunter elevated his head and then his voice,
+and says he: "My de-dea-dear ma'm, do-do-don't pu-pu-put yourself out of
+th-th-the way, on my account!" Tableaux--"young lady" quick-step, and
+Gunter playing all-fours in the _mud!_
+
+
+
+
+Quartering upon Friends.
+
+
+City-bred people have a pious horror of the country in winter, and no
+great regard for country visitors at any time, however much they may
+"let on" to the contrary.
+
+In rushing hot weather, when the bricks and mortar, the stagnated,
+oven-like air of the crowded city threatens to bake, parboil, or give
+the "citizens" the yellow fever, then we are very apt to think of plain
+Aunt Polly, rough-hewed Uncle John, and the bullet-headed, uncombed,
+smock-frocked cousins, nephews, and nieces, at their rural homes, amid
+the fragrant meadows and umbrageous woods; the cool, silver streams and
+murmuring brooks of the glorious country. Then, the poetic sunbeams and
+moonshine of fancy bring to the eye and heart all or a part of the
+glories and beauties, uses and purposes in which God has invested the
+ruraldom.
+
+Now, our country friends are mostly desirous, candidly so, to have their
+city friends come and see them--not merely pop visits, but bring your
+whole family, and stay a month! This they may do, and will do, and can
+afford it, as it is more convenient to one's pocket-book, on a farm, to
+_quarter_ a platoon of your friends than to perform the same operation
+in the city, where it is apt to give your purse the tick-dollar-owe in
+no time.
+
+It was not long since, during the prevalence of a hot summer, that Mrs.
+Triangle one morning said to her stewing husband, who was in no wise
+troubled with a surplus of the circulating medium--
+
+"Triangle, it's on-possible for us to keep the children well and quiet
+through this dreadful hot weather. We must go into the country. The
+Joneses and Pigwigginses and Macwackinses, and--and--everybody has gone
+out into the country, and we must go, too; why can't we?"
+
+"Why can't we?" mechanically echoed Triangle, who just then was deeply
+absorbed in a problem as to whether or not, considering the prices of
+coal, potatoes, house-rents, leather, and "dry goods," he would fetch up
+in prison or the poor-house first! It was a momentous question, and to
+his wife's proposal of a fresh detail of domestic expense, Triangle
+responded--
+
+"Why can't we?"
+
+"Yes, that's what I'd like to know--why can't _we_?"
+
+"We _can't_, Mrs. Triangle," decidedly answered her lord and master.
+
+Now Mrs. T., being but a woman, very naturally went on to give Mr. T. a
+Caudle lecture half an hour long, winding up with one of those
+time-honored perquisites of the female sex--a good cry.
+
+Poor Triangle put on his hat and marched down to his bake-oven of an
+"office," to plan business and smoke his cigar. Triangle came home to
+tea, and saw at a glance that something must be done. Mrs. Triangle was
+to be "compromised," or far hotter than even the hot, hot weather would
+be his domicile for the balance of the season. Triangle thought it over,
+as he nibbled his toast and sipped his hot Souchong.
+
+"My dear," said he, pushing aside his cup, and tilting himself upon the
+"hind legs" of his chair--"business is very dull, the weather is
+intolerable, I know you and the children would be much benefitted by a
+trip into the country--why can't we go?"
+
+"Why can't we?--that's what I'd like to know!" was the ready response of
+Mrs. T.
+
+"Well, we can go. My friend Jingo has as fine a place in the country as
+ever was, anywhere; he has asked me again and again to come down in the
+summer, and bring all the family. Now we'll go; Jingo will be delighted
+to see us; and we'll have a good, pleasant time, I'll warrant."
+
+Mrs. Triangle was delighted; soon all the clouds of her temper were
+dispersed, and like people "cut out for each other," Triangle and his
+wife sat and planned the details of the tour to Jingo Hill Farm.
+Frederic Antonio Gustavus was to be rigged out in new boots, hat, and
+breeches. Maria Evangeline Roxana Matilda was to be fitted out in Polka
+boots, gipsey bonnet, and Bloomer pantalettes, with an entire invoice of
+handkerchiefs, scarfs, ribbons, gloves, and hosiery for "mother," little
+Georgiana Victorine Rosa Adelaide, and _the baby_, Henry Rinaldo
+Mercutio. After three days' onslaught upon poor Triangle's pockets, with
+any quantity of "fuss and feathers," Mrs. Triangle pronounced the
+caravan ready to move. But just as all was ready, Bridget Durfy, the
+maid-of-all-work, who was to accompany them on the expedition as
+supervisor of the children, threw up her engagement.
+
+"Plaze the pigs," said Biddy; "it's mesilf as niver likes the counthry,
+at all; an' I'll jist be afther not goin', ma'm, wid yez!"
+
+Here was a go--or rather a "no go!" Triangle had bought tickets for all,
+and ordered the carriage at four; it was now three P. M., of a hot,
+roasting day. It would be "on-possible," as Mrs. T. said, to go without
+a girl; so poor, sweltering Triangle rushed down to the "Intelligence
+Office," where, from the sweating mass of female humanity awaiting a
+market for their time and labor, Triangle selected a stout, hearty Irish
+_blonde_, warranted perfect, capable, kind, honest, and the Lord only
+knows how many virtues the keeper of an "Intelligence Office" will not
+swear belong to one of their stock in trade.
+
+Away went Triangle, sweating and swearing; the Irish maiden, swinging a
+bundle in one hand and a flaring _bandanna_ in the other, following
+after her patron with a duck-waddle; and finally the carriage came; all
+got in but Triangle, who started on foot to the depot, carrying his
+double-barrelled gun and leading an ugly dog, which he rejoiced in
+believing was a full-blooded _setter_, though the best posted
+dog-fanciers assured him it was a cross between a tan-yard cur and a
+sheep-stealer! But, after a world of motion and commotion--on the part
+of Triangle, about the dog, tickets and baggage, and Mrs. Triangle,
+about the children, satchels, her new gown, and the sleepy Irish
+girl--they found themselves whisked over the rails, and after some three
+hours' carriage, they were dumped down in the vicinity of Jingo Hall,
+where they found the "private conveyance" of the proprietor of Jingo
+Hill Farm waiting to carry them, bandbox and bundle, rag-tag and
+bobtail, to Jingo Hall.
+
+The carriage being overfull, Triangle concluded to walk up, stretch his
+legs, try his dog and gun, and have a pop at the game. But, alas, for
+the villanous dog; no sooner had he got loose and scampered off up the
+road, than he sees a flock of sheep some distance across the fields, and
+away he pitched. The sheep ran, he after the sheep; and poor Triangle
+after his dog.
+
+"Hay! you Ponto--here--hay--Ponto-o-o! Hey, boy, come here, you dog--hi!
+hi!--do you hear-r-r?"
+
+But Ponto was off, and after a run of half a mile, he came up with a
+lamb, and before Triangle could come to the rescue, Ponto had opened the
+campaign by killing sheep! Triangle was so put out about it that in
+wrath he up with his gun and was about to terminate the existence of the
+dog, but compromised the matter by hitting him a whack across the back
+with the barrels of his shooting-iron; in doing so, he broke off the
+stock, clean as a whistle! It is useless to deny that Triangle _was_
+mad; that he swore equal to an Erie Canal boatman; and that his fury so
+alarmed the dog that he took to his heels and went--as Triangle
+hoped--anywhere, head foremost.
+
+[Illustration: "With a presence of mind truly unparalleled, she laid
+down 'baby' upon the grass, and made fight with 'the spiteful
+craturs.'"--_Page_ 169.]
+
+With a face as long as a boot-jack, quite tuckered out and disgusted
+with things as far as he had got, Triangle reached Jingo Hall, where he
+met the warm welcome of his friend, Major Jingo, and soon recuperated
+his good humor and physical activity by the contents of the Major's
+"well-stocked" _wine-cellar_. Ashamed of the facts of the case, Triangle
+trumped up a cock-and-bull story about the dog and gun.
+
+After a season, the Triangles got settled away, and the first day or two
+passed without anything extraordinary turning up, if we may except the
+upturning of several flower-pots and hen's nests by the children. But
+the third day opened ominously. Triangle's dog was found with one of the
+Major's dead lambs under convoy, and the Irish hostler had caught him,
+tied him up in the stable, and given him such a dressing that Ponto's
+soul-case was nearly beaten out of him!
+
+The next item was a yowl in the garden! Everybody rushed out--Mrs.
+Triangle in her excitement, lest something had happened to "baby," and
+Nora, the girl, struck the centre-table, upset the "Astral," and not
+only demolished that ancient piece of furniture, but spilled enough
+thick oil over the gilt-edged literature, table-cloth, and carpet, to
+make a barrel of soft soap.
+
+The Irish girl came bounding, screeching forth! She had been sauntering
+through the garden, and ran against the bee-hives, when a bee up and at
+her. With a presence of mind truly unparalleled, she laid down "baby"
+upon the grass, and made fight with "the spiteful craturs;" and of
+course she got her hands full, was beset by tens and hundreds, and was
+stung in as many places by the pugnacious "divils." Nora was done for.
+She went to bed; "baby" was found all right, laughing "fit to break its
+yitty hearty party, at naughty Nora Dory," as Mrs. Triangle very
+naturally expressed it.
+
+These two tableaux had hardly reached their climax, when in rushed
+Frederic Antonio Gustavus, with his capacious apron full of "birds he
+killed in the yard, down by the barns." Poor Jingo! and we may add, poor
+Mrs. Jingo! for a favorite brood of the finest fowls in the country had
+been exterminated by the chivalrous young Triangle, and in the bloom of
+his heroic act he dropped the dead game at the feet of his
+horror-stricken mother, and astonished father, and the Jingos.
+
+That night the effect of stuffing with green fruit to utter suffocation
+manifested itself in a general and alarming cholera-morbus among the
+junior Triangles, and the whole house was up in arms.
+
+In the midst of this, a fresh clamor broke out in Nora's chamber. A huge
+bat had got into her room, and so alarmed her, that she yelled worse,
+louder, and longer than seven evil ones.
+
+It was a night of horror to the whole family--to everybody in and about
+Jingo Hall. The dogs set up a howl; the children bawled, cried, and took
+on; the Irish girl screeched; gin and laudanum, peppermint and
+"lollypops," the de'il to pay and no pitch hot.
+
+Triangle felt relieved when daylight came, and had it not been Sunday,
+he would have packed up and put back for the prosy office and stagnated
+quietude of the city. But it was Sunday, and after the children, Irish
+girl, and dogs had been partially quieted, down the carriage came to the
+door, and as many as could get into it of the Jingos and Triangles,
+rolled off to meeting.
+
+Triangle and Jingo went to escape the din and noise of dressing "the
+babies," &c.; and after the service was over, poor Triangle was taken
+aside by a tall, bony man, who reported himself in no very ceremonious
+manner as the proprietor of a flock of sheep scared to death, and one
+rare lamb killed--"by your dog!" Triangle owned to the soft impeachment,
+and "compromised" for a V.
+
+Returned to Jingo Hall, another _coup d'etat_ all around the lot had
+broken out. Evangeline Roxana Matilda Triangle had disappeared. The
+baby, Georgiana Victorine Rosa Adelaide, had fallen from a swing in the
+grove and dislocated her wrist, and flattened her pretty nose quite to
+her pretty face. Baby was very ill, and from the groans issuing from
+Nora's attic, it was not _on-possible_ that she was sick as she could
+be. A general search took place for Evangeline Roxana Matilda, while
+Maj. Jingo mounted a horse and rode over to the village, to bring down a
+doctor for Georgiana Victorine Rosa Adelaide, "the baby," and--Nora
+Dougherty.
+
+A glance at the Irish girl convinced poor _tried_ Triangle that she was
+a case--of small-pox.
+
+Maj. Jingo returned, but without a medical adviser; the village
+Esculapius having gone off to the city. Things looked gloomy enough.
+Triangle felt "chawed up," and wished he had been roasted alive in the
+city before venturing upon such a trip. But he felt he had a duty to
+perform, and he determined to put it through.
+
+"Major, I'm very sorry, but the fact is"----
+
+"Never mind, never mind, my dear fellow--no trouble to us."
+
+"But," chokingly continued poor Triangle, "but, Major, the fact is,
+I--a--you've got a large family"----
+
+"Never mind, my dear boy; don't say any more about it."
+
+"But to have the--a--the--small-pox"----
+
+"What?" gasped the Major--"the--a"----
+
+"Small-pox!" seriously enough responded Triangle.
+
+"Small-pox! Who? Where?"
+
+"Our Irish girl--up stairs--awful!"
+
+"O, good Lord! Irish--up stairs--small-pox!" reiterated the really
+alarmed proprietor of Jingo Hall.
+
+"I wouldn't have"--said Triangle.
+
+"The small-pox in my house"--echoed Jingo.
+
+"For all the blessed countries in the world!" passionately exclaimed
+Triangle.
+
+"Heavens!" exclaimed the Major; "my wife has a greater dread of
+small-pox than yellow fever, or death itself!"
+
+"What's to be done?" said poor Triangle.
+
+"Remove the girl to an out-house, instantly!" said the Major, pacing up
+and down, in great _furore_.
+
+"That's best, Major; go move her, at once."
+
+"Me? Me move her, sir?" said Jingo.
+
+"Why who will, Major?" responded Triangle.
+
+"Who? Why, you, of course."
+
+"Me?" exclaimed Triangle--"me? endanger my life, and the lives of all my
+family--me? No, sir, I'll--I'll--I'll be hanged if I do!"
+
+"Blur a' nouns, zur!" bawled the Irish hostler, as he came trotting up
+to the front veranda, where Triangle and Jingo were discussing the
+transportation of small-pox--
+
+"Blur a' nouns--the dog's loose!"
+
+"Curse the dog!" said the Major.
+
+"But, zur, it's raving mad, he is!"
+
+"Mad! my dog?" cries Triangle.
+
+"A mad dog, too!" exclaims the Major, in horror.
+
+"O, too bad--horrible--wish I'd never seen"----
+
+"Get your gun, quick--come on!" cried the Major.
+
+"But, my dear Major, my gun's broke all to smash. O! that I had shot the
+blasted brute instead of breaking my gun!"
+
+"Come on--never mind--seize a club, fork, or anything, and hunt around
+for the cursed dog. He'll bite some of our people, horses, or cattle."
+And away ran the Major, with a bit of stick about the size of a
+fence-rail. Paddy made himself scarce, and Triangle, in agony, flew
+around to hunt up his daughter, whom they found asleep in a
+summer-house.
+
+Mrs. Major Jingo, when she heard that the Irish girl had introduced the
+small-pox on Jingo Hill, liked to have fainted away; but, conquering her
+weakness, she ordered the carriage, and bundled herself and four
+children into it, so full of terror and alarm that she never so much as
+said--"Take care of yourself, Mrs. Triangle!" Maj. Jingo returned, after
+a fruitless search for Triangle's mad dog, and just as he entered the
+hall, the Irish girl came rushing down stairs, crying--
+
+"O! murther, murther! I'm dead as a door-nail, entirely, wid dese pains
+in my face. Be gorra! O, murther!"
+
+One look at the swollen and truly frightful face of the girl put the
+Major to his _taps_; and stopping but a moment to tell Triangle to make
+out the best he could, he left.
+
+Next morning, bag and baggage, the Triangles _vamosed_. The poor girl
+having recovered from her attack of the bees, which had led to the alarm
+of small-pox, looked quite respectable. Never did a party enjoy _home_
+more completely than the Triangles after that. Triangle has a holy
+horror of trips to the country, and the Jingos are down on visitors from
+the city.
+
+
+
+
+Jake Hinkle's Failings.
+
+
+In the village of Washington, Fayette Co., Ohio, there was a transient
+sort of a personage, a kind of floating farmer, named Hinkle,--Jacob
+Hinkle,--commonly called _Old Jake Hinkle_. Jake was, originally, a
+Dutchman, a Pennsylvania, Lancaster County Dutchman; and that was about
+_as_ Dutch as Holland and Sour Krout could well make a human "critter."
+Well, Jake Hinkle owned, or had squatted on, a small patch of land, just
+beyond old Mother Rodger's "bottom," that is, about a mile east of the
+"Rattle Snake Fork" of Paint Creek, which, every thundering fool out
+West knows, empties itself into--"Big Paint," which finally rolls out
+into the Muskingum, and thence into the Ohio. Very well, having settled
+the geographical position of Jake Hinkle, let me go on to state what
+kind of a critter Jake was, and how it came about that he was pronounced
+dead, one cold morning, and how he came up to town and denied the
+assertion.
+
+Jake Hinkle loved corn, lived on it, as most people do in the interior
+of Ohio and Kentucky; he loved _corn_, but loved corn whiskey more, and
+this love, many a time, brought Jake up to "the Court House" of
+Washington, through rain, hail and snow, to get a nipper, fill his jug,
+and go home. Now, in the West it is a custom more honored in the breach
+than in the observance, perhaps, for grog shops of the village to play
+all sorts of fantastic tricks upon old codgers who come up to town, or
+down to town, hitch their horses to the fence, and there let the
+"critters" stand, from 10 A. M. to 12 P. M., more or less, and longer.
+The most popular dodge is, to shave the horse's tail, turn it loose,
+and let it go home. Of course, _that_ horse is not soon seen in the
+village again, as a horse with a shored tail is about the meanest thing
+to look at, except a singed possum, or a dandy--you ever did see.
+
+One very cold night, in January, '39, Jake Hinkle came down to the
+"Court House," hitched his horse to the Court Square fence, and made a
+straight bend for Sanders' "Grocery," and began to "wood up." Old Jake's
+tongue was a perfect bell-clapper, and when well oiled with corn juice,
+could rip into the high and low Dutch like a nor'easter into a field of
+broom corn. Jake talked and talked, and drank and talked, and about
+midnight, the cocks crowing, the stars winking and blinking, and the
+wind nipping and whistling around the grocery, Sanders notified Jake and
+others that he was going to shut up the concern, and the crowd must be
+"putting out." Jake made a break for his nag, but she was gone. "Why,"
+says Jake, "she's broke der pridle and gone home, and by skure I shall
+walk,"--and off Jake put, through the cold and mud.
+
+Next morning, when the Circleville stage came along between old Marm
+Rodger's "bottom," and the Rattle Snake Fork of Paint, the driver
+discovered poor old Jake laid out, stiff and cold as a wedge! Alas, poor
+old Jake! Gone! Quite a gloom hung over the "grocery;" Jake was an
+inoffensive, good old fellow, nobody denied that, and certain young
+"fellers" who had shaved the tail of Jake's mare the night previous, and
+set her loose, now felt sort of sorry for the deed. The editor of the
+"Argus of Freedom" came down to the "grocery," to get his morning "nip,"
+heard the news, went back to his office, "set up" Jake's obituary
+notice, pitched in a few sorrowful phrases, and then put his paper to
+press; that afternoon, the whole edition, of some two hundred copies,
+were distributed around among the subscribers and "dead heads," and Jake
+Hinkle was pronounced stone dead--_pegged out!_
+
+Two or three days afterwards, a man covered with mud and sweat, came
+rushing into Washington. He paused not, nor turned not right or left,
+until he found the office of the "Argus of Freedom," where he rushed in,
+and confronting the editor, he spluttered forth:--
+
+"You der printer of dish paper,--der noosh paper?"
+
+"Yes," says the 'responsible,' "I am the man," looking a little wild.
+
+"Vell, bine de great Jehosaphat, what for you'n make me deat?"
+
+"Me? Make you dead?" says the no little astonished editor.
+
+"Yaas!" bawled old Jake, for it was he--"You'n tell de people I diet;
+_it's a lie!_ And do you neber do it again, and fool de peeples, _witout
+you git a written order from me!_"
+
+That editor, ever afterwards, insisted on seeing the funeral before he
+recorded an obituary notice.
+
+
+
+
+What's Going to Happen.
+
+
+In fifty years the steam engine will be as old a notion, and as queer an
+invention, as the press Ben. Franklin worked is now. In fifty years,
+copper-plate, steel-plate, lithography, and other fine engravings, will
+be multiplied for a mere song, in a beautiful manner, by the now
+infantile art of _Daguerreotyping_. A passage to California will then be
+accomplished in twenty-four hours, by air carriages and electricity; or,
+perhaps, they'll go in buckets down Artesian holes, _clean through the
+earth!_ The arts of agriculture and horticulture will produce hams ready
+roasted, natural pies, baked with all sorts of _cookies_. About that
+time, a man may live forever at a cent a day, and sell for all he's
+worth at last--for soap fat!
+
+
+
+
+The Washerwoman's Windfall.
+
+
+Some years ago, there lived, dragged and toiled, in one of our "Middle
+States," or Southern cities, and old lady, named Landon, the widow of a
+lost sea captain; and as a dernier resort, occurring in many such cases,
+with a family of children to provide for,--the father and husband cut
+off from life and usefulness, leaving his family but a stone's cast from
+indigence,--the mother, to keep grim poverty from famishing her hearth
+and desolating her home, took in gentlemen's washing. Her eldest child,
+a boy of some twelve years old, was in the habit of visiting the largest
+hotels in the city, where he received the finer pieces of the gentlemen's
+apparel, and carried them to his mother. They were done up, and returned
+by the lad again.
+
+It was in mid-winter, cold and dreary season for the poor--travel was
+slack, and few and far between were the poor widow's receipts from her
+drudgery.
+
+"To-morrow," said the widow, as she sat musing by her small fire,
+"to-morrow is Saturday; I have not a stick of wood, pound of meal, nor
+dollar in the world, to provide food or warmth for my children over
+Sunday."
+
+"But, mother," responded her 'main prop,' George, the eldest boy, "that
+gentleman who gave me the half dollar for going to the bank for him,
+last week,--you know him we washed for at the United States Hotel,--said
+he was to be here again to-morrow. I was to call for his clothes; so I
+will go, mother, to-morrow; maybe he will have another errand for me, or
+some money--he's got so much money in his trunk!"
+
+"So, indeed, you said, good child; it's well you thought of it," said
+the poor woman.
+
+Next day the lad called at the hotel, and sure enough, the strange
+gentleman had arrived again. He appeared somewhat bothered, but quickly
+gathering up some of his soiled clothes, gave them to the lad, and bade
+him tell his mother to wash and return them that evening by all means.
+
+"Alas! that I cannot do," said the widow, as her son delivered the
+message. "My dear child, I have neither fire to dry them, nor money to
+procure the necessary fuel."
+
+"Shall I take the clothes back again, mother, and tell the gentleman you
+can't dry them in time for him?"
+
+"No, son. I must wash and dry them--we must have money to-day, or we'll
+freeze and starve--I must wash and dry these clothes," said the
+disconsolate widow, as she immediately went about the performance, while
+her son started to a neighboring coopering establishment, to get a
+basket of chips and shavings to make fire sufficient to dry and iron the
+clothes.
+
+The clothes were duly tumbled into a great tub of water, and the poor
+woman began her manipulations. After a time, in handling a vest, the
+widow felt a knot of something in the breast pocket. She turned the
+pocket, and out fell a little mass of almost pulpy paper. She carefully
+unrolled the saturated bunch--she started--stared; the color from her
+wan cheeks went and came! Her two little children, observing the wild
+looks and strange actions of the mother, ran to her, screaming:
+
+"Dear--dear mother! Mother, what's the matter?"
+
+"Hush-h-h!" said she; "run, dear children--lock the door--lock the door!
+no, no, never mind. I a--I a--feel--dizzy!"
+
+The alarmed children clung about the mother's knees in great affright,
+but the widow, regaining her composure, told them to sit down and play
+with their little toys, and not mind her. The cause of this sudden
+emotion was the unrolling of five five hundred dollar bills. They were
+very wet--nearly "used up," in fact--but still significant of vast,
+astounding import to the poor and friendless woman. She was
+amazed--honor and poverty were struggling in her breast. Her poverty
+cried out, "You are made up--rich--wash no more--fly!" But then the poor
+woman's honor, more powerful than the tempting wealth in her
+hands--triumphed! She laid the wet notes in a book, and again set about
+her washing.
+
+About this time, quite a different scene was being enacted at the hotel.
+The gentleman so anxious that his clothes should be returned that
+evening, was no other than a famous counterfeiter and forger; and it
+happened, that the day previous, in a neighboring city, he had committed
+a forgery, drawn some four or five thousand dollars, had the greater
+part of the notes exchanged--and, with the exception of the five large
+bills hurriedly thrust into the vest pocket, and which he had sent to
+the poor laundress, there was little available evidence of the forgery
+in his possession. The widow's son had scarcely left the traveller's
+room with the clothes, when in came two policemen. The forger was not
+arrested as a principal, but certain barely suspicious circumstances had
+led to an investigation of him and his effects.
+
+"You are our prisoner, sir!" said one of the policemen, as a servant
+opened the door to let them in.
+
+"Me! What for?" was the quick response of the forger.
+
+"That you will learn in due season; at present we wish to examine your
+person and effects."
+
+The forger started--his heart beat with the rapidity of galvanic
+pulsation--the evidence of part of his villany was, as he supposed,
+among his effects. It was a moment of terror to him, but it passed like
+a flash, and in a gay and careless tone, he quickly replied:
+
+"O, very well, gentlemen--go ahead. There are my keys and
+baggage--search, and look around. I have no idea what you are
+after--probably you'll find." In a low tone, he continued, to himself,
+"By heavens, how lucky! that boy has saved me!"
+
+A considerable amount of money was found upon the forger, but none that
+could be identified, and after a long and wearisome private examination
+at the police court, he was discharged. He returned to the hotel, and
+shortly afterwards the lad made his appearance with the clothes,
+presenting him with a small roll of damp paper, saying:
+
+"Here, sir, is something mother found in one of your pockets. She thinks
+it may be valuable to you, sir, and she is sorry it was wet."
+
+The forger started, as though the little roll of wet money had been a
+serpent the lad was holding towards him.
+
+"No, no, my little man; return it to your mother; tell her to dry it
+carefully, and that I will call and see her to-night, when she can
+return the little parcel."
+
+George stood, his cap in one hand, and the other upon the door-knob; the
+man was much agitated, and perceiving the lad lingered, he thrust his
+hand into a carpet-bag, and hauling forth an old-fashioned wallet, he
+opened it, and taking thence a coin, put it in the hands of the lad and
+requested him to run home to his mother and deliver the message
+immediately. The lad did as he was ordered; and the poor washerwoman,
+the while, sat in her humble and ill-provided home, patiently awaiting
+the return of her boy, and fearing the anger of the gentleman at the
+hotel, when he should find his bank notes nearly, if not quite
+destroyed, would probably so indispose him towards the child that he
+would return empty-handed. But no; as the quick tread of the blithesome
+lad smote upon the widow's ear, she rushed to the door to receive him.
+
+"Dear son, was the gentleman very angry?"
+
+"Angry, dear mother? No! he was far from angry. He said you must dry
+these papers, and he would call to-night for them. And here, dear
+mother, he gave me a large piece of beautiful yellow money!" And the
+dutiful boy placed a golden doubloon in the trembling hand of the
+overjoyed mother. They were saved--the golden coin soon made the widow's
+domicil cheerful and happy.
+
+It is almost needless to say, the five notes were not called for. They
+laid in the widow's bureau drawer two entire years, when a friend to the
+poor woman negotiated for their exchange into a dwelling-house and small
+store. And to this little incident does a certain elderly lady and her
+family owe their present prosperous and perfectly honorable position in
+the respectable society of the city of ----.
+
+
+
+
+We don't Wonder at It.
+
+
+In the city, we get so many new _kicks_, and put on so many new ways of
+living and doing up things, that no wonder the quiet and matter-of-fact
+country folks make awkward mistakes, and get mixed up with our
+conventionalities, and other doings. Dining at the American, last week,
+we sat _vis-a-vis_ with an old-fashioned agricultural gent, whose plate
+of mock turtle remained cooling for some time, while he was busy
+thinking over a silver four-pronged fork in his hand. At length a broad
+smile played over his manly features, as the novel-makers say, and he
+opened--
+
+"Well, I'm jiggered!--ha! ha! _they've got to eating soup with split
+spoons, too!_"
+
+
+
+
+Old Maguire and his Horse Bonny Doon.
+
+
+Few animals possess the sagacity of the horse; passive and obedient,
+they are easily trained; bring them up the way you want them to go, and
+they'll go it! The horse in his old age does not forget the precepts of
+his youth. A very touching anecdote is told of a horse, in the cavalry
+service of the British army, during Napoleon's time. After the battle of
+Waterloo, when the combined force of Europe, through chicanery--not
+valor--defeated the greatest soldier the world ever saw, the British
+army was cut down, rank and file--Napoleon having promised to "be a good
+boy," and let 'em alone in future. Among the _cut offs_, was a troop of
+horse, and in this troop was an old veteran Bucephalus, who had stood
+and made charges, smelt fire and brimstone, faced phalanxes of bayonets,
+and clashed rough-shod over many bloody fields, besides Waterloo,--this
+old fellow was turned out to grass--cashiered. When the balance of his
+retained companions in saddle were leaving the town where the
+dismemberment had taken place, the old war horse was quietly grazing in
+a field; the troop passed--the bugler "sounded his horn," and in less
+than forty winks the old old horse was up, off, over fences, and in the
+front ranks! The tenacity with which he clung to his place in the column
+caused--says the historian--the officers and men to shed tears.
+
+So much by way of a prelude. Now for old Maguire and his horse. Some
+years ago, in the interior of Ohio, there did live an old Irish
+jintleman, who not only had a fine estate, but likewise a saw-mill, and
+as fine an old black mare as ever the rays of a noonday's sun lit down
+upon. "Bonny Doon," Maguire's old mare, was a wonderful "critter;" she
+opened gates, let down bars, seized the pump handle by her teeth, and
+actually extracted water from the barn-yard well, with all the facility
+of a regular double-fisted _genus homo_. As a sly old joker, she had
+performed various tricks, such as nipping off the tails of sucking
+calves, catching chickens in her manger, and making various pieces of
+them, and kicking in the ribs of strange dogs and horned cattle. But to
+the eccentric habits and bacchanalian customs of her ex-military master,
+the old mare's dormant talents owed their "fetching out."
+
+Old "Captain Maguire" had served with credit to himself and honor to the
+State, in her early struggles against the Indians and French Canadians.
+"Bonny Doon" was then in her "fille"-hood, and probably the most
+beautiful, as well as the most saucy jade, in the frontier army. Some
+twenty-five years had passed, and still the old captain and the mare
+were about, every-day cronies, for the old man no more thought of
+walking fifty rods, premeditatedly, than a South Carolina dandy would
+dream of the possibility of getting a glass of water without the
+immediate assistance of a son of Ethiopia! The old man had become
+possessed of wealth as well as years--was likewise the progenitor of a
+large and flourishing family, of the finest looking men and women in the
+State, and having gotten all things in this pleasant kind of train, he
+"laid off" in perfect lavender. The old captain's farm was about four
+miles from the large and flourishing town of Z----, and here the captain
+spent most of his time. Riding in on "Bonny Doon," in the morning, and
+hitching her to the sign-post, the poor beast would stand there--unless
+taken in by the ostler or others--until midnight, while the captain
+swigged whiskey, and smoked his pipe in the tavern. Yet "Bonny Doon's"
+affection for her old master did not flag; she waited patiently until he
+came--her mane and long tail would then switch about, while she'd
+"snigger eout" with gladness at his coming, and carry the old man
+through rain or snow, moonshine, or total darkness, over corduroy
+railroads, bridges, ravines, and last, though by no means least, over
+the narrow plank-way of Captain Maguire's saw-mill dam, while the waters
+on each side foamed and roared like a mountain torrent, and while the
+old man was either asleep or his hat so full of "bricks," that he was
+about as difficult to balance in the saddle as a sack of potatoes or
+Turk's Island salt! A better citizen, when sober, never paid taxes or
+trod sole leather in that State, than old Captain Maguire; but when he
+was "up the tree," a little sprung, or _tight_, as you may say, he was
+ugly enough, and chock full of wolf and brimstone! One day the captain
+was summoned to attend court, and testify in a case wherein his evidence
+was to give a lift to the suit of a neighbor, for whom the old man
+entertained a most lively disgust and very unchristianly hate. The old
+man, finding that he must go, went. He wet his whistle several times
+before starting, repeated the dose several times before he reached the
+Court House, and about the time he supposed he was wanted, he mounted
+"Bonny Doon," and started, full chisel, up the steps, through the entry,
+and into the crowded Court room, just in the nick of time.
+
+"Robert Maguire! Robert Maguire! Robert----"
+
+"Be the help o' Moses, _I'm here!_" roared the captain, in response to
+the crier.
+
+And sure enough, he wasn't anywhere else! There he sat, stiff, and
+formal as a bronze statue of some renowned military chieftain, on a
+pot-metal war steed. Some laughed, others stepped out of the way of the
+mare's heels, judge and jury "riz," some of the oldest sinners in law
+practice looked quite "skeery," doubtless taking the old captain and his
+black charger for quite a different individual! It was some time before
+order and decorum were restored, as it was much easier for the judge to
+_order_ Captain Maguire to be arrested for his freak, than to do it,
+"Bonny Doon" not being disposed to let any man approach her head or
+heels. They shut the captain up, finally, for contempt of court, and
+fined him twenty dollars, but he escaped the disagreeable attitude of
+sustaining the suit of an enemy. At another time, the captain, being on
+a _time_, dashed into a meeting-house, running in at one door, and slap
+bang out at the other! This feat of Camanche horsemanship rather alarmed
+the whole congregation, and cost the captain five twenties! Riding into
+bar rooms and stores was a common performance of "Bonny Doon" and her
+master; and he had even gone so far as to run the mare up two entire
+flights of stairs of the principal hotel, dashing into a room where "a
+native" was shivering in bed with the fever and ague; but the noise and
+sudden appearance of a man and horse in such high latitudes effected a
+permanent and speedy cure; the fright like to have destroyed the
+sufferer's crop of hair, but the "a-gy" was skeered clean out of his
+emaciated body.
+
+After a variety of adventures by flood and field, of hair-breadth
+'scapes, and eccentricities of man and beast, they parted! "Bonny Doon"
+being about the only living spectator of her master's end. This tragic
+denouement came about one cold, stormy and snowy night, when few men,
+and as few beasts, would willingly or without pressing occasion, expose
+themselves to the pitiless storm. The old captain had been in town all
+day, with "Bonny Doon" hitched to the horse block, and being full of
+"distempering draughts," as Shakspeare modestly terms it, and malicious
+bravery in the midst of the great storm, late in the evening he mounted
+his half-starved and as near frozen mare, to go home.
+
+"Better stay all night, captain," coaxed some friend.
+
+"Hills are icy, and hollows filled with snow," suggested the landlord.
+
+"I wouldn't ride out to your place to-night, captain, for a seat in
+Congress!" rejoined the first speaker.
+
+"Ye wouldn't?" replied the captain. "And--and no wonder ye wouldn't, fer
+not a divil iv ye's iver had the horse as could carry ye's over me road
+th' night. Look at that! There's the baste can do it!--d'ye see that?"
+and as the old man, reeling in the saddle, jammed the rowels of his
+heavy spurs into the flanks of the mare, she nearly stood erect, and
+chafed her bits as fiery and mettled as though just from her oats and
+warm stable, and fifteen years kicked off.
+
+"Boys," bawled the captain, "here's the ould mare that can thravel up a
+frozen mountain, slide down a greased rainbow, and carry ould Captain
+Maguire where the very ould divil himsilf couldn't vinture his dirty
+ould body. Hoo-o-oo-oop! I'm gone, boys!"
+
+And he was off, gone, too; for the old man never reached the threshold
+of his domicil.--Next morning Captain Maguire was found in the mill-dam,
+entirely dead, with poor "Bonny Doon," nearly frozen, and scarcely able
+to walk or move, standing near him. But there she stood, upon the narrow
+icy way over the dam, and from appearances of the snow and planks of the
+little bridge, the faithful mare had pawed, scraped, and endeavored by
+various means to rescue her master. The manner of the catastrophe was
+evident; the old man had become sleepy, and frozen, and while the poor
+mare was feeling her way over the icy and snow-covered bridge, her
+master had slipped off into the frozen dam, and no doubt she would have
+dragged him out, could she have reached him. As it was, she stood a
+faithful sentinel over her lost master, and did not survive him
+long,--the cold and her evident sorrow ended the eventful life of "Bonny
+Doon."
+
+
+
+
+Getting into the "Right Pew."
+
+
+New Year's day is some considerable "pumpkins" in many parts of the
+United States. In the Western States, they have horse-racing,
+shooting-matches, quilting-frolics and grand hunting parties. In the
+South, the week beginning with Christmas and ending with New Year's day,
+is devoted to the largest liberty by the negroes, who have one grand and
+extensive _saturnalia_, visit their friends and relations, make love to
+the "gals" on neighboring plantations, spend the little change saved
+through the year, or now and then given to them by indulgent or generous
+masters, and in fact have a glorious good time! The holidays in New
+Orleans, and in Louisiana generally, is _a time_, and no mistake. The
+old French and Spanish families keep open house--dinners and suppers,
+music, song and dance. On New Year's eve, they decorate the graves of
+their friends with flowers. Lamps or lanterns are often required for
+this purpose, and as you pass the silent grave-yards, it is indeed a
+novel sight to see the many glimmering lights about the tombs of the
+departed. In most of the South-Western towns, the day is given up to fun
+and frolic. The Philadelphians have a great blow out. The streets are
+filled by holiday-looking people, children with toys and "mint
+sticks"--making the air resound with tin trumpets and penny whistles.
+The men and boys used to load up every thing in the shape of cannons,
+guns, pistols and hollow keys, and bang away from sunset until sunrise,
+keeping up a racket, din and uproar, equal to the bombardment of a
+citadel. The authorities stopped that, and now the civil young men kill
+the night and day in dancing, feasting, and attending the amusements,
+the multitude of rowdies passing their time in concocting and carrying
+on street fights and running with the engines.
+
+But the New Yorkers _bang_ the whole of them; bear witness, O ye New
+Year's doings I have there seen. Visiting your friends, and your
+friends' friends. Open houses every where! "Drop in and take a glass of
+wine or bit of cake, if nothing else"--that's the word. Jeremy Diddlers
+flourish, marriageable daughters and interesting widows set their caps
+for the nice young men, the streets are noisy and full of confusion, the
+theatres and show-shops generally reap an elegant harvest, and the
+police reports of the second morning of the New Year swell monstrously!
+Of a New Year's adventure of an innocent young acquaintance of mine, I
+have a little story to tell.
+
+Jeff. Jones was caught, at a New Year's dinner in New York, by the
+fascinating grace and _cap_-tivating head-gear of a certain young widow,
+who had a fine estate. Jeff. was what you might call a good boy; he had
+never seen much of creation, save that lying between Pokeepsie (his
+birth-place) and the Battery, Castle Garden and Bloomingdale. He was a
+clever fellow, fond of rational fun and amusement, kept "a set of books"
+for a mercantile firm in Maiden Lane, dressed well, kept good hours, and
+in all general respects, was--a nice young man. He went with a friend on
+a tour--New Year's day, to make calls. After a number of glasses and
+chunks of cake, feeling altogether beautiful, he found himself in the
+presence of a charming widow, and some two months afterwards, himself
+and the widow, a parson and a brace of male and female friends, Jeff.
+Jones, aged 28, took a partner for life, ergo he hung up his hat in the
+snug domicil of the flourishing widow, who became Mrs. Jeff. Jones,
+thereafter.
+
+Poor Jeff., he found out that there was some truth in the venerable
+saying--all is not gold that glitters. The charming widow was seriously
+inclined to wear the inexpressibles; and poor Jeff., being of such a
+gentlemanly, good and easy disposition, scarcely made a struggle for his
+reserved rights. However, things, under such a state of affairs, grew no
+better fast, and as Jeff. Jones had neglected to go around and see the
+elephant before marriage, he came to the conclusion to see what was
+going on after that interesting ceremony. In short, Jeff. got to going
+out of nights--kept "bad hours," got blowed up in gentle strains at
+first, but which were promised to be enlarged if Mr. Jones did not mind
+his Ps. and Qs.
+
+The third anniversary of Jeff. Jones's annexation to the widow was
+coming around. It was New Year's day in the morn; it brought rather
+sober reflections into Jeff.'s mind, on the head of which he thought
+he'd as soon as not--_get tight!_ This notion was pleasing, and dressing
+himself in his best clothes, Jones informed Mrs. J. that he wished to
+call on a few old friends, and would be home to dine and bring some
+friends with him!
+
+"See that you do, then," said Mrs. J., "see that you do, that's all!"
+and she gave Mr. J. "a look" not at all like Miss Juliet's to Mr.
+Romeo--she _spoke_, and she said something.
+
+However, Jones cleared himself; dinner hour arrived, if Jeff. Jones did
+not; Mrs. Jones smiled and chatted, and did the honors of the table with
+rare good grace, but where was Jones?
+
+"He'll be poking in just as dinner is over, and the puddings cold, and
+company preparing to leave; then he'll catch a lecturing."
+
+But don't fret your pretty self, Mrs. Jones--for dinner passed and
+tea-time came, but no Jones. Mrs. Jones began to get snappish, and by
+ten o'clock she had bitten all the ends from her taper fingers, besides
+dreadfully scolding the servants, all around. Mrs. J. finally
+retired--the clock had struck 12, and no Jones was to be seen; Mrs. J.
+was worried out; she could not sleep a blessed wink. She got up again,
+Jones might have met with some dreadful accident! She had not thought of
+that before! Perhaps at that very hour he was in the bottom of the
+Hudson, or in the deep cells of the Tombs! It was awful! Mrs. Jones
+dressed--the house was as still as a church-yard--she put on an old
+hood, and shawl to match, and noiselessly she crept down stairs; and by
+a passage out through the back area into a rear street. Mrs. Jones at the
+dead hour of night determined to seek some information of her husband.
+She had not gotten over a block, or block and a half from her mansion,
+when she spies two men coming along--wing and wing, merry as grigs,
+reeling to and fro, and singing in stentorian notes:
+
+ "A man that is (hic) married (hic) has lost every hope--
+ He's (hic) like a poor (hic) pig with his foot in a rope!
+ _O-o-o! dear! O-o-o! dear--cracky!_
+ A man that is (hic) married has so (hic) many ills--
+ He's like a (hic) poor fish with a (hic) hook in his gills!
+ _O-o-o-o! dear! O-o-o-o! dear--cracky!"_
+
+In terror of these roaring bacchanalians, who were slowly approaching
+her, Mrs. Jones stood close in the doorway of a store; the revellers
+parted at the corner of the street, after many asseverations of eternal
+friendship, much noise and twattle. One of the carousers came lumbering
+towards Mrs. J., and she, in some alarm, left her hiding place and
+darted past the midnight brawler; and to her horror, the fellow made
+tracks after her as fast as a drunken man could travel, and that ain't
+slow; for almost any man inside of sixty can run, like blazes, when he
+is scarce able to stand upon his pins because of the quantity of bricks
+in his beaver. Mrs. Jones ran towards her dwelling, but before she could
+reach it, the ruffian at her heels clasped her! Just as she was about to
+give an awful scream, wake up all the neighbors and police ten miles
+around, she saw--_Jones!_ Jeff. Jones, her recreant husband!
+
+It was a moment of awful import--the widow was equal to the crisis,
+however, and governed herself accordingly; proving the truth of some
+dead and gone philosopher who has left it in black and white, that the
+widows are always more than a _match_ for any man in Christendom!
+
+Jones was loving drunk, a stage that terminates and is a near kin to
+total oblivion, in bacchanalian revels. Jones had not the remotest idea
+of where he was--time or persons; his tongue was thick, eyes dull, ideas
+monstrous foggy, and the few sentences he rather unintelligibly uttered,
+were highly spiced with--"my little (hic) angel, you (hic), you (hic)
+live 'bout (hic) here? Can't you ta-take me (hic) home with you, eh?
+My-my old woman (hic) would raise-rai-raise old scratch if I (hic), I
+went home to-to-night. (Hic) I'll, I'll go home (hic) in the morning,
+and (hic) tell her, ha! ha! he! (hic) tell her I've be-be-been to a
+fire!"
+
+"O, the villain," said Mrs. J. to herself; "but I'll be revenged. Come,
+sir, go home with me--I'll take care of you. Come, sir, be careful; this
+way--in here."
+
+"Where the (hic) deuce are--are you going down this (hic) cellar, eh?"
+
+"All right, sir. Come, be careful! don't fall; rest on my arm--there,
+shut the door."
+
+"Why (hic), ha-hang it a--all; get a light--that's a de--ar!"
+
+"Yes, yes; wait a moment, I'll bring you a light."
+
+Mrs. J. having gotten her game bagged, left it in the dark, and retired
+to her bed-chamber. Some of the servants, hearing a noise in the
+basement, got up, stuck their noses out of their rooms, and being
+convinced that a desperate scoundrel was in the house, raised the very
+old boy. Poor Jones, in his efforts to get out, run over pots, pans, and
+chairs, and through him and the servants, the police were alarmed!
+lights were raised, and Jones was arrested for a burglar!
+
+Never was a man better pleased to find himself in his own domicil, than
+Jones! It was all Greek to the watchmen and servants; it was a
+mysterious matter to Jones for a full fortnight--but upon promise of
+ever after spending his new year's at home, Mrs. J. let the cat out of
+the bag. Jones surrendered!
+
+
+
+
+A Circuitous Route.
+
+
+We know several folks who have a way of beating round and boxing the
+compass, from A to Z, and back again, that fairly knocks us into
+smithereens. One of these characters came to us the other day, and in a
+most mysterious manner, with the utmost earnestness, solemnity, and
+_hocus pocus_, says he--
+
+"Cap'n, (winking,) I wanted to see you--(two winks;) the fact of the
+business is, (wink, nod, and double wink,) I've wanted to see you,
+badly; you see, I-a--well, what I-a (two winks)--was about to remark
+(two nods and a short cough),--that is to say, it don't make much
+matter, if-a--(wink, wink, wink;) you see it was in this way,
+I-a--wanted to--a, to tell you that (dreadful lot of winks) I've
+been--not, to be sure, that it's an uncommon-a thing, (nod, cough, and
+forty winks,) but no doubt if I-a--the fact is--"
+
+"Well, what in thunder and rosin is _the fact_, old boy?" says we.
+
+"The fact is, cap'n, I'd a told you at once, but-a--I don't know why
+I--shouldn't tho', (wink on wink,) _have you got two shillings you won't
+want to use to-day_?"
+
+We hadn't!
+
+
+
+
+Major Blink's First Season at Saratoga.
+
+
+"Ha, ha!" said Uncle Joe Blinks, as the subject of summer travel, a
+jaunt somewhere, was being discussed among the regular boarders in Mrs.
+Bamberry's spacious old-fashioned parlors; "Ha! ha! ha! ladies, did Mrs.
+Bamberry ever tell you of _my_ tour to Saratogy Springs?--last summer
+was two years."
+
+"No," said several of us _neuter genders_ who had repeatedly heard all
+about it, but were desirous that those who had not been thus gratified,
+especially the ladies, and particularly a Miss Scarlatina, who was
+_dieting_ for a tour to the famed Springs--"tell us all about it,
+Major."
+
+"Then," said the Major, with his favorite exclamation, "then, by the
+banks of Brandywine, if I don't tell you. You see, last summer was two
+years, I came to the conclusion, that I'd stop off business, altogether,
+brush up a little, and go forth a mite more in the world, and I went. A
+friend of mine, a married man, was going up north to Saratogy, with his
+wife and sister--a plaguy nice young woman, the sister was, too; well, I
+don't know how it was, exactly, but somehow or other, it came into my
+head, especially as my friend Padlock had asked me if I wouldn't like to
+go up to Saratogy--that I'd go, and I went. It was odd enough, to be
+sure," said Uncle Joe, taking a pinch of rappee from his tortoise-shell
+box--"very odd, in fact, but somehow or other, Mrs. Padlock, being in
+poor health, and her sister, a rather volatile and inexperienced young
+woman, you may say--"
+
+"So that you had to _beau_ her along the way, Uncle Joe?" says several
+of the company.
+
+"Well, yes; it was very odd, I don't know how it was, but somehow or
+other, I-a--I-a--"
+
+"Out with it, Uncle Joe--own up; you cottoned to the young lady, gallant
+as possible, eh?" says the gents.
+
+"Ha! ha! it's a very delicate thing, very delicate, I assure you,
+gentlemen, for an old bachelor to be on the slightest terms of intimacy
+with a young--"
+
+"And beautiful!" echoed the company.
+
+"Unexperienced," continued the Major.
+
+"And unprotected," says the chorus.
+
+"Volatile," added the Major.
+
+"And marriageable young lady, like Miss--"
+
+"Miss Catchem," said the Major.
+
+"Catchem!" cried the gents.
+
+"Catchem, that was her name; she was the daughter of a very respectable
+widow," continued the Major.
+
+"A widow's daughter, eh?" said they all, now much interested in Uncle
+Joe's journey to Saratoga, and--but we won't anticipate.
+
+"Of a very respectable widow, whose husband, I believe, was a--but no
+matter, they were of good family, and a--"
+
+"Yes, yes, Uncle Joe," said the ladies, "no doubt of that; go on with
+your story; you paid attention to Miss Catchem; you grew familiar--you
+became mutually pleased with each other, and you finally--well, tell us
+how it all came out, Uncle Joe, do!" they cried.
+
+"Bless me, ladies! You've quite got ahead of my story--altogether! Miss
+Catchem and I never spoke a word to each other in our lives," said the
+Major.
+
+"Why, Uncle Joe!" cried the whole party.
+
+"By banks of Brandywine, it's a fact."
+
+"Well, we never!" cried all the ladies.
+
+"Well, ladies, I don't suppose you ever did," Uncle Joe responds. "The
+fact is, Mrs. Padlock died suddenly the week Padlock spoke to me of
+going to Saratogy, and he married her sister, Miss Catchem, in course of
+a few weeks after, himself! I don't know how it was, but somehow or
+other, I thought it was all for the best; things might have turned out
+that I should have got tangled up with that girl, and a--"
+
+"Been a married man, now, instead of a bachelor, Uncle Joe!" said the
+young ladies.
+
+"It's odd; I don't know how it was, ladies; it might have been so, but
+it turned out just as I have stated."
+
+"Well, well, Major," said an elderly person of the group; "go on; how
+about Saratoga?"
+
+"I will," says Uncle Joe, again resorting to his rappee, "I will. You
+see Padlock didn't _go_, it was very odd; but somehow or other, I made
+up my mind to _go_, and I went. I calculated to be gone three or four
+weeks, and I concluded for once, at least, to loosen the strings of my
+purse, if I never did again; so I laid out to expend three dollars or
+so, each day, say eighty dollars for the trip; a good round sum, I
+assure you, to fritter away; but, by banks of Brandywine, I was
+determined to _do_ it, and I did. It was very odd, but the first person
+I met at New York was an old friend, a schoolmate of mine. I was glad to
+see him, and sorry enough to learn that he had failed in business--had a
+large family--poor--in distress. It was very odd, but somehow or other,
+we dined at the hotel together--had a bottle of Madeira, and I a--well,
+I loaned--yes, by banks of Brandywine, I gave the poor fellow a twenty
+dollar bill, shook hands and parted; yes, poor Billy Merrifellow, we
+never met again; he--he died soon after, in distress, his family broke
+up--scattered; it was very odd; poor fellow, he's gone;" and Uncle Joe
+again had recourse to his rappee, while a large tear hung in the corner
+of his full blue eye. Closing his box, and wiping his face with his
+_pongee_, the Major continued:
+
+"Next morning I called for my bill. I was astonished to find that a
+couple of bottles of good wine, two extra meals, and something over one
+day's board, figured up the round sum of ten dollars. I was three days
+out, so far, and my pocket-book was lessened of half the funds intended
+for a month's expenses! By banks of Brandywine, thinks Major, my boy,
+this won't do; you must economize, or you shall be short of your
+reckonings before you are a week out of port. That morning at the
+steam-boat wharf I meets a young man very genteelly dressed; he looked
+in deep distress about something. It was very odd, I don't know how it
+was, but somehow or other, he came up to me and asked if I was going up
+the river, and I very civilly told him I was; then, he up and tells me
+he was a stranger in the city, had lost all his money by gambling, was
+in great distress--had nothing but a valuable watch--a present from his
+deceased father, a Virginia planter, and a great deal more. He begged me
+to buy the watch, when I refused at first, but finally he so importuned
+me, and offered the watch at a rate so apparently below its real value
+that I up and gave him forty dollars for it, thinking I might in part,
+indemnify my previous extravagance by this little bit of a trade. It was
+very odd; I don't know how it was, but somehow or other, upon my arrival
+at Saratogy, I found that watch wasn't worth the powder that would blow
+it up! I was imposed upon, cheated by a scoundrel! Here I was, four days
+from home, and my whole month's outfit nigh about gone. In the stage
+that took us from the boat to the Springs, rode a very respectable
+youngish-looking woman, with a very cross child in her arms; we had not
+rode far before I found the other passengers, all gentlemen, apparently
+much annoyed by the child; for my part I sympathized with the poor
+woman, got into a conversation with her--learned she was on her way to
+Saratogy to see her husband, who was engaged there as a builder. Upon
+arriving at Saratogy, the young woman requested me to hold her child--it
+was fast asleep--until she stepped over to a new building to inquire
+about her husband. I did so; she went away, and I never saw her from
+that to this!"
+
+A loud and prolonged laugh from his auditors followed this _tableau_ in
+Uncle Joe's story. A little more rappee, and the Major proceeded:
+
+"Well, it was very odd, I don't know how it was, but somehow or other I
+was left with the child, and a plaguy time had I of it; the town
+authorities refused to take charge of it, nobody else would; so by
+Brandywine, there I was; the people seemed to be suspicious of
+me--sniggered and went on as though I knew more about the woman and her
+child than I let on. In short, I had to father the child, and provide
+for it, and I did," said the Major, quite patriotically.
+
+"Well, never mind, Uncle Joe," said Mrs. Bamberry; "that boy may pay you
+yet--pay you for all your trouble; he's growing nicely, and will make a
+fine man."
+
+"So you really had to keep the child!" cried several.
+
+"O yes," says the Major; "I was in for it; I got a nurse and had the
+youngster taken care of. The hotels were crowded, very uncomfortable,
+rooms wretched, small, damp, and dirty. The landlords were quite
+independent, and the servants the most impudent set of extorting varlets
+I ever encountered! To keep from starving, I did as others--bribed a
+waiter to keep my plate supplied. At night they had what they called
+'hops!' in other words, dances, shaking the whole house, and raising
+such a noise and hullabaloo, with cracked horns, squeaky
+fiddles--bawling and yelling, that no sailor boarding house could be
+half so disturbant of the peace. By banks of Brandywine, I got enough of
+such _folderols_; at the end of the week I asked for my bill, augmented
+by some few sundries--it made my hair stand up. Now what do you suppose
+my bill was, for one week, board, lodging, servants' _bribes_ and
+sundries? I'll tell you," said the Major, "for you never could guess
+it--it was forty-one dollars, fifty cents. I took my _protege_, bag and
+baggage, and started for home. I was absent on this memorable tour to
+Saratogy just two weeks, and by banks of Brandywine, if the expense of
+that tour--not including the time _wasted_, vexation, bother,
+mortification of feelings, fuss, and rumpus--was but a fraction less
+than three hundred dollars! Four times the cost of my anticipated trip,
+lessened half the time, with fifty per cent. more humbug about it than I
+ever dreamed of!"
+
+Miss Scarlatina agreed with the rest of the company, that it cost Uncle
+Joe Blinks more to go to Saratogy than it came to, and they all
+concluded--not to go there themselves, just then--any how!
+
+
+
+
+Old Jack Ringbolt
+
+
+Had been spinning old Mrs. Tartaremetic any quantity of salty yarns; she
+was quite surprised at Mr. Ringbolt's ups and downs, trials, travels and
+tribulations. Honest Jack (!) had assured the old dame that he had
+sailed over many and many cities, all under water, and whose roofs and
+chimneys, with the sign-boards on the stores, were still quite visible.
+He had seen Lot's wife, or the pillar of salt she finally was frozen
+into!
+
+"And did you see that--Lot's wife?" asked the old lady.
+
+"Yes, marm; but 'tain't there now--the cattle got afoul of the pillar of
+salt one day, and licked it all up!"
+
+"Good gracious! Mr. Ringbolt!"
+
+"Fact, marm; I see'd 'em at it, and tried to skeer 'em away."
+
+"Well, Mr. Ringbolt, you've seen so much, and been around so, I'd think
+you would want to settle down, and take a wife!"
+
+
+
+
+Who Killed Capt. Walker?
+
+
+Few incidents of the campaign in Mexico seem so mixed up and indefinite
+as that relative to the taking of Huamantla, and the death of that noble
+and chivalric officer, Capt. Walker. In glancing over the papers of
+Major Mammond, of Georgia, which he designates the "Secondary Combats of
+the Mexican War," we observe that he has given an account of the
+engagement at Huamantla, and the fall of Walker. We believe the Major's
+account, compiled as it is from "the documents," to be in the main
+correct, but lacking incidental pith, and slightly erroneous in the
+grand _denouement_, in which our gallant friend--whose manly countenance
+even now stares us in the face, as if in life he "yet lived"--yielded up
+the balance of power on earth.
+
+We have taken some pains, and a great deal of interest surely, in coming
+at the facts; and no time seems so proper as the present--several of the
+chivalric gentlemen of that day and occasion, being now around us--to
+give the story its veritable exhibition of true interest.
+
+Capt. S. H. Walker was a Marylander, a young man of the truest possible
+heroism and gallantry. He entered upon the campaign with all the ardor
+and enterprise of a soldier devoted to the best interests of his
+country. He commanded a company of mounted men, whose bravery was only
+equalled by his own, and whose discipline and hardiness has been
+unsurpassed, if equalled, by any troops of the world. We shall skip over
+the thousand and one incidents of the line of action in which Walker,
+Lewis, and their brave companions in arms did gallant service, to come
+at the sanguinary and truly thrilling _denouement_.
+
+Gen. Lane, after the landing and organization of his troops at Vera
+Cruz, with some 2500 men, started for Puebla, where it was understood
+that Col. Childs required reinforcement. Lane left Jalapa on the 1st of
+October, and hurried forward with Lally's command. At Perote, Lane
+learned that Santa Anna would throw himself upon his muscle, and give
+the advancing columns jessy at the pass of Pinal, and there was every
+prospect of a very tight time. Col. Wynkoop was in command at Perote;
+the men were anxious to be "in" at the fight in prospective, and Wynkoop
+obtained permission to join the General with four companies of the
+Pennsylvania Regiment; a small battery of the 3d Artillery, under
+command of Capt. Taylor, with Capts. Walker, of the Texan Rangers, and
+Lewis, of the Louisiana Cavalry. The column was now swelled to some
+2800. They moved rapidly forward, and upon reaching Tamaris, Lane heard
+that the old fox was off--Santa Anna had gone to Huamantla. Lane
+determined to hunt him up with haste. The main force was left at
+Tamaris. Troops were forwarded--advanced by Walker's Rangers and Lewis's
+Cavalry--who approached to within sight, or nearly so, of Huamantla. The
+orders to Walker were to advance to the town, and if the Mexicans were
+in force, to wait for the Infantry to come up. Walker's command rated
+about 200 men. Upon reaching the outskirts of Huamantla, the Mexican
+Cavalry were seen dashing forward into the town, and the brave Walker
+ordered a pursuit.
+
+Santa Anna was evidently in the town. Capt. Walker, says his gallant
+comrade Lewis, made up his mind to be the captor of the wily old chief.
+The fair prospect of accomplishing the deed so excited Walker, that
+danger and death were alike secondary considerations, and so the command
+charged into the town. Some 500 lancers met the charge, but with
+terrific impetuosity the Rangers and Cavalry dashed in among them,
+cutting them down right and left, and soon sent them flying in all
+directions! It was at this moment, says Capt. Lewis, that one of the
+most heroic acts of bravery was performed, unsurpassed, perhaps, by any
+act of personal daring during the whole war! A tremendous negro, a fine,
+manly fellow, named Dave, belonging to Capt. Walker, with whom he was
+brought up--boys together--being mounted, and armed with a heavy sabre,
+dashed forward down a narrow street, (up which, a detached body of
+lancers were striving to escape,) and throwing himself between three
+poised lances and the person of Dr. Lamar, one of the surgeons, who
+would have been most inevitably torn to atoms, Dave raised himself in
+his saddle, and with a yell, and one fell swoop, the heroic fellow
+"chopped down" a lancer, clean and clear to his saddle! Two lancers
+pierced Dave's body, and he fell from his horse, dead!
+
+Charging up to the Plaza--the Mexicans flying--Capt. Walker dismounted,
+with some thirty of his men, and advanced up a flight of steps to force
+an entrance into a church or convent, where he supposed Santa Anna was
+hid away. The flying lancers were pursued by the Rangers, who, very
+injudiciously, of course, scattered themselves over the town.
+
+Capt. Lewis, in the mean time, had found a large yard attached to a
+temporary garrison, in which were some sixty horses, equipped ready for
+immediate use, and which the Mexicans had, in their hurry to escape,
+left behind them! The irregular firing of the Rangers, in pursuit of the
+Mexicans, being deemed useless and unnecessary, Capt. Lewis left several
+of his men, among whom was "Country McCluskey," the noted pugilist, a
+volunteer in Capt. Lewis's company, to guard the horses, while he rode
+forward to the convent.
+
+"Capt. Walker," said Lewis, "I deem it, sir, not only useless, but bad
+policy, to allow that firing by the men, around the town."
+
+Capt. Walker immediately ordered the firing to cease, and being apprized
+of Capt. Lewis's discovery of the horses, &c., ordered him to bring up
+his command. Capt. Lewis wheeled his horse; some one fired close by, and
+Capt. Walker cried out--
+
+"Who was that? I'll shoot down the next man who fires against my
+orders!"
+
+At that moment three guns were fired from the convent--and
+simultaneously a cannon was fired down the street, from a party of
+Mexicans in the distance. Capt. Lewis faced about just in time to see
+Capt. Walker drop down upon the steps of the convent, as he emphatically
+expresses it,--
+
+"Like a lump of lead, sir!"
+
+The piece up the street was fired again. Capt. Lewis ordered the fallen,
+gallant Walker, to be placed upon the steps close to the wall. A shot
+from the piece alluded to striking off the stone and mortar, he ordered
+the doors to be forced, and Capt. Walker to be taken in, which was done.
+The bugle sounded, and in an instant a horde of lancers poured into the
+town, rushing down upon the Americans from every avenue! Capt. Lewis had
+wheeled about to collect his men, when he found McCluskey and others
+leading out "the pick" of the captured horses.
+
+"Drop--drop the horses, you fool, and mount! Mount, sir, mount!"
+
+They mounted fast enough; Lewis formed, and met the enemy in gallant
+style; and though there were ten, aye, twenty to one, possibly, he drove
+them back! To quote our friend, Major Hammond's words, "Lewis, of the
+Louisiana Cavalry, assumed command, struggled ably to preserve the guns
+(captured), and held his position fairly, until assistance arrived."
+
+One hundred and fifty of the enemy fell, while of the Rangers and
+Cavalry some twenty-five were killed and wounded. They were engaged
+nearly an hour, and the bravery displayed by Walker, Lewis, and their
+men, was worthy of general admiration, and all honor.
+
+Poor Walker! a ball struck him in the left shoulder, passed over his
+heart, and came out in his right vest pocket!
+
+Thus fell the gallant leader of one of the most formidable war parties,
+of its numbers, known to history. Walker was a humane, impulsive man; a
+warm friend, a brave, gallant soldier. His dying words were directed to
+Capt. Lewis--to keep the town, and drive back the enemy; and that the
+chivalrous Captain did so, was well proven. Capt. Walker, and his heroic
+"boy" Dave, who fell unknown to his master, were buried together in the
+earth they so lately stood upon, in all the glory and heroism of men
+that were men!
+
+
+
+
+Practical Philosophy
+
+
+Skinflint and old Jack Ringbolt had a dispute on Long Wharf, a few days
+since, upon a religious _pint_. Jack argued the matter upon a _specie_
+basis, and Skinflint took to "moral suasion." Jack went in for equal
+division of labor and money--all over the world.
+
+"Suppose, now, John," says Skinflint, "we rich men _should_ share equal
+with the poor--their imprudence would soon throw all the wealth into our
+hands again!"
+
+"Wall," says Jack, "s'pose it did! You'd only have to--_share all around
+again!_"
+
+
+
+
+Borrowed finery; or, Killed off by a Ballet Girl.
+
+
+Shakspeare has written--"let him that's robbed--not wanting what is
+stolen, not know it, _and he's not robbed at all!_" Now this fact often
+becomes very apparent, especially so in the case of Mrs. Pompaliner,--a
+lady of whom we have had occasion to speak before, the same who sent
+Mrs. Brown, the washerwomen, sundry boxes of perfume to mix in her
+_suds_, while washing the pyramids of dimity and things of Mrs. P. There
+never was a lady--no member of the sex, that ever suffered more, from
+dread of contagion, fear of dirt, and the contamination of other people,
+than Mrs. Pompaliner.
+
+"Olivia," said she, one morning, to one of her waiting maids, for Mrs.
+Pompaliner kept three, alternating them upon the principle of varying
+her handkerchiefs, gloves and linen, as they--in her double-distilled
+refined idea of things, became soiled by use, from time to time.
+"Olivia, come here--Jessamine, you can leave:" she was so intent upon
+odor and nature's purest loveliness, that she either sought
+sweet-scented cognomened waiting-maids, or nick-named them up to the
+fanciful standard of her own.
+
+"Olivia, here, take this handkerchief away, take the horrid thing away.
+I believe my soul somebody has touched it after it was ironed. Do take
+it away," and the poor victim of concentrated, double extract of human
+extravagance, almost fainted and fell back upon her lounge, in a fit of
+abhorrence at the idea of her _mouchoir_ being touched, tossed, or
+opened, after it entered her camphorated drawers in her highly-perfumed
+_boudoir_.
+
+"Olivia!"
+
+"Yes'm," was the response of the fine, ruddy, and wholesome looking
+maid.
+
+"Olivia, put on your gloves."
+
+"Yes'm."
+
+"Go down to Mrs. Brown's," she faintly says--"tell her to come here this
+very day."
+
+"Yes'm."
+
+"Olivia!"
+
+"Yes'm," replied the fine-eyed, real woman.
+
+"Got your gloves on?"
+
+"Yes'm."
+
+"Well, take this key, go to my boudoir, in the fifth drawer of my
+_papier mache_ black bureau, you will find a case of handkerchiefs."
+
+"Yes'm."
+
+"Take out three, yes, four, close the case, lock the drawer, close the
+boudoir door, and bring down the handkerchiefs upon my rosewood tray. Do
+you comprehend, Olivia?"
+
+"Yes'm," said the girl.
+
+"But come here; let me see your hands. O, horror! such gloves! touch my
+handkerchiefs or bureau drawers with those horrid gloves! Poison me!"
+cries the terrified woman.
+
+"Olivia," she again ejaculates, after a moment's pause, from overtasked
+nature!
+
+"Yes'm," the blushing, tickled _blonde_ replies.
+
+"Go call Vanilla, you are quite soiled now. I want a fresh servant,
+retire."
+
+"Ah, Vanilla, girl, have you got your gloves on?"
+
+"Yes'm," the yellow girl modestly answers.
+
+"Then do go and bring me six handkerchiefs from my boudoir, in the fifth
+drawer of my black _papier mache_ bureau. Let me see your gloves, dear.
+
+"Ah, Vanilla, you are to be depended upon; your gloves are clean--now
+run along, dear, for I'm suffering for a fresh, new, and untouched
+handkerchief.
+
+"Ah, that's well. Now, Vanilla, go to Mrs. Brown's, my laundress--say
+that I wish her to come here, immediately."
+
+"Yes'm," says the bright quadroon, and away she spins for the domicil of
+democratic Mrs. Brown, the laundress.
+
+"Now what's up, I'd like to know?" quoth the old woman.
+
+"Dunno, missus wants to see you--guess you better come," says Vanilla.
+
+"Deuce take sich fussy people," says Mrs. Brown; "I wouldn't railly put
+up with all her dern'd nonsense, ef she wa'n't so poorly, so weak in her
+mind and body, and so good about paying for her work. No, I declare I
+wouldn't," said the strong-minded woman.
+
+"Bring the creature up," said Mrs. Pompaliner, as one of her fresh
+attendants announced the washerwoman.
+
+"Ah, you are here?"
+
+"Yes," said the fat, hardy, and independent, if awkward, Mrs. Brown, as
+she stood in the august presence of Mrs. Pompaliner, and the gorgeous
+trappings of her own private drawing-room.
+
+"Yes, I believe I am, ma'am!" says the she-democrat.
+
+"Vanilla, tell Olivia to bring Jessamine here."
+
+"Yes'm."
+
+"Now Mrs. a--what is your name?"
+
+"Brown, Dorcas Brown; my husband and I--"
+
+"Never mind, that's sufficient, Mrs. a--Brown," said the reclining Mrs.
+Pompaliner. "I wish to know if anybody is permitted to touch or handle
+any of my wardrobe, my linen, handkerchiefs, hose, gloves, laces, etc.,
+in your house?"
+
+"Tetch 'em!" echoes the rotund laundress; "why of course we've got to
+tetch 'em, or how'd we get 'em ironed and put in your baskets, ma'am?"
+
+"Do you pretend to say, Mrs. a--Brown--O dear! dear! I am afraid you
+have ruined all my clothes!"
+
+"Ruined 'em?" quoth Mrs. Brown, coloring up, like a fresh and lively
+lobster immersed in a pot of highly caloric water.
+
+"I want to know if the things ain't been done this week as well as I
+ever did 'em, could do 'em, or anybody could do 'em on this mighty yeath
+(earth), ma'am!"
+
+"Come, come, don't get me flustered, woman," cries the poor, faint Mrs.
+Pompaliner. "Don't come here to worry me; answer me and go."
+
+"So I can go, ma'am!" said Mrs. Brown, with a vigorous toss of her
+bullet head.
+
+"Stop, will you understand me, Mrs.--a--"
+
+"Brown, ma'am, Brown's my name. I ain't afeard to let anybody know it!"
+responded the spunky laundress.
+
+The arrival of Olivia, who ushered in Jessamine, turned the current of
+affairs.
+
+"Jessamine, your gloves on, dear?"
+
+"Yes'm."
+
+"Then go to my _boudoir_, open the rose-wood clothes case, bring down
+the skirts, a dozen or two of the _mouchoirs_, the laces and hose."
+
+The girl departed, and soon returned with a ponderous paper box, laden
+with the articles required.
+
+"Now," said Mrs. Pompaliner, "now, Brown, look at those articles; don't
+you see that they have been touched?"
+
+"Tetched! lord-a-massy, ma'am, how'd you get 'em ironed, folded and
+brought home, ma'am, without tetching 'em?"
+
+"Olivia, Vanilla, where are you? Jessamine, dear, bring me a fresh
+handkerchief, ignite a _pastile_, there's such an odor in the room. Do
+you _smell_, Mrs. a--Brown, that horrid lavender or rose, or, or,--do
+you smell it, Brown?"
+
+"Lord-a-massy, ma'am," said the old woman of suds, "I ollers smell a
+dreadful smell here; them parfumeries o' yourn, I often tell my Augusty,
+I wonder them stinkin'--"
+
+"O! O! dear!" cries Mrs. Pompaliner, going off "into a spell;"
+recovering a little, Mrs. Pompaliner proceeds to state that for some
+time past, she had been troubled with _a presentiment_, that her fine
+clothes had been tampered with after leaving the smoothing iron, and how
+fatal to her would be the fact of any mortal daring to use, in the
+remotest manner, any fresh garment or personal apparel of hers!
+Suspicion had been aroused, the articles before the parties were now
+diligently examined, when, lo! a spot, not unlike a slight smear of
+vermilion, was discovered upon a splendid handkerchief--it gave Mrs. P.
+an electric shock; but, O horror! the next thing turned up was a
+_spangle_, big as a half dime, upon one of Mrs. P.'s most superb skirts!
+This awful revelation, connected with the smell of vile lavender and
+worse patchouly, upon another piece of woman gear, threw Mrs. Pompaliner
+into spasms, between the motions of which she gasped:
+
+"You have a daughter, Mrs. Brown?"
+
+"Yes, I have."
+
+"How old is she?"
+
+"About seventeen, ma'am."
+
+"And she a--?"
+
+"Dances in the theatre, ma'am!"
+
+The whole thing was out: the sacred garments of Mrs. P. had not only
+been _touched_ by sacrilegious hands, but had had an airing, and smelt
+the lamps of the play-house! Mrs. Pompaliner was so shocked, that four
+first-class physicians tended her for a whole season.
+
+Mrs. Brown lost a profitable customer, and well walloped her
+ballet-nymph daughter Augusty, for attiring herself in the finery of her
+most possibly particular and sensitive customer! It was awful!
+
+
+
+
+Legal Advice.
+
+
+Old Ben. Franklin said it was his opinion that, between imprisonment and
+being at large in debt to your neighbor, there was no _difference_
+worthy the name of it. Some people have a monstrous sight of courage in
+debt, more than they have out of it, while we have known some, who,
+though not afraid to stand fire or water, shook in their very
+boots--wilted right down, before the frown of a creditor! A man that can
+_dun_ to death, or stand a deadly _dun_, possesses talents no Christian
+need envy; for, next to Lucifer, we look upon the confirmed "diddler"
+and professional _dun_, for every ignoble trait in the character of
+mankind. A friend at our elbow has just possessed us of some facts so
+mirth-provoking, (to us, not to him,) that we jot them down for the
+amusement and information of suffering mankind and the rest of creation,
+who now and then get into a scrimmage with rogues, lawyers and law. And
+perhaps it may be as well to let the _indefatigable_ tell his own story:
+
+"You see, Cutaway dealt with me, and though he knew I was dead set
+against _crediting_ anybody, he would insist, and did--get into my
+books. I let it run along until the amount reached sixty dollars, and
+Cutaway, instead of stopping off and paying me up, went in deeper!
+Getting in debt seemed to make him desperate, reckless! One day he came
+in when I was out; he and his wife look around, and, by George! they
+select a handsome tea-set, worth twenty dollars, and my fool clerk sends
+it home.
+
+"'Tell him to _charge it!_' says Cutaway, to the boy who took the china
+home; and I did charge it.
+
+"The upshot of the business was, I found out that Cutaway was a
+confirmed _diddler_; he got all he wanted, when and where he could, upon
+the 'charge it' principle, and had become so callous to duns, that his
+moral compunctions were as tough as sole leather--bullet-proof.
+
+"I was vexed, I was _mad_, I determined to break one of my 'fixed
+principles,' and _go to law_; have my money, goods, or a row! I goes to
+a lawyer, states my case, gave him a fee and told him to go to work.
+
+"Cutaway, of course, received a polite invitation to step up to Van
+Nickem's office and learn something to his advantage; and he attended. A
+few days afterwards I dropped in.
+
+"'Your man's been here,' says Van Nickem, smilingly.
+
+"'Has, eh? Well, what's he done?' said I.
+
+"'O, he acknowledges the _debt_, says he thinks you are rather hurrying
+up the biscuits, and thinks you might have sent the bill to him instead
+of giving it to me for collection,' says the lawyer.
+
+"'Send it to him!' says I. 'Why I sent it fifty times;--sent my clerk
+until he got ashamed of going, and my boy went so often that his boots
+got into such a way of _going_ to Cutaway's shop, that he had to change
+them with his brother, _when he was going anywhere else!_'
+
+"'He appears to be a clever sort of a fellow,' said Van.
+
+"'He _is_,' said I, 'the cleverest, most perfectly-at-home _diddler_ in
+town.'
+
+"'Well,' said Van Nickem, 'Cutaway acknowledges the debt, says he's
+rather straightened just now, but if you'll give him a little more
+_time_, he'll fork up every cent; so if I were you, I'd wait a little
+and see.'
+
+"Well, I did wait. I didn't want to appear more eager for law than a
+lawyer, so I waited--three months. At the end of that time, early one
+Saturday morning, in came Cutaway. 'Aha!' says I, 'you are going to
+_fork_ now, at last; it's well you come, for I'd been _down_ on you on
+Monday, bright and early!'"
+
+"You didn't say that to him, did you?" we observed.
+
+"O, bless you, _no_. I said _that_ to _myself_, but I met _him_ with a
+smile, and with a 'how d'ye do, Cutaway?' and in my excitement at the
+prospect of receiving the $80, which I then wanted the worst kind, I
+shook hands with him, asked how his family was, and got as familiar and
+jocular with him as though he was the most cherished friend I had in the
+world! Well, now what do you suppose was the result of that interview
+with Cutaway?"
+
+"Paid you a portion, or all of your bill against him, we suppose," was
+our response.
+
+"Not by a long shot; with the coolness of a pirate he asked me to credit
+him for a handsome wine-tray, a dozen cut goblets and glasses, and a
+pair of decanters; he expected some friends from New York that evening,
+was going to give them a 'set out' at his house, and one of the guests,
+in consideration of former favors rendered by him, was pledged--being a
+man of wealth--to loan him enough funds to pay his debts, and take up a
+mortgage on his residence."
+
+"You laughed at his impudence, and kicked him out into the street?" said
+we.
+
+"I hope I may be hung if I didn't let him have the goods, and he took
+them home with him, swearing by all that was good and bad, he would
+settle with me early the following Monday morning. I saw no more of
+_him_ for two weeks! I went to Van Nickem's, he laughed at me. The bill
+was now $100. I was raging. I told Van Nickem I'd have my money out of
+Cutaway, or I'd advertise him for a villain, swindler, and scoundrel."
+
+"'He'd sue you for libel, and obtain damages,' said Van.
+
+"'Then I'll horsewhip him, sir, within an inch of his life, in the open
+street!' said I, in a heat.
+
+"'You might _rue_ that,' said Van. 'He'd sue you for an assault, and
+give you trouble and expense.'
+
+"'Then I suppose I can do nothing, eh?--the _law_ being _made_ for the
+benefit of such villains!'
+
+"'We will arrest him,' said Van.
+
+"'Well, then what?' said I.
+
+"'We will haul him up to the bull ring, we will have the money, attach
+his property, goods or chattels, or clap him in jail, sir!' said Van
+Nickem, with an air of determination.
+
+"I felt relieved; the hope of putting the rascal in jail, I confess, was
+dearer to me than the $100. I told Van to go it, give the rascal jessy,
+and Van did; but after three weeks' vexatious litigation, Cutaway went
+to jail, swore out, and, to my mortification, I learned that he had been
+through that sort of process so often that, like the old woman's skinned
+eels, he was used to it, and rather liked the sensation than otherwise!
+Well, saddled with the costs, foiled, gouged, swindled, and laughed at,
+you may fancy my feelinks, as Yellow Plush remarks."
+
+"So you lost the $100--got whipped, eh?" we remarked.
+
+"No, _sir_," said our litigious friend. "I cornered him, I got old
+Cutaway in a tight place at last, and that's the pith of the
+transaction. Cutaway, having swindled and shaved about half the
+community with whom he _had_ any transactions,--got his affairs all
+fixed smooth and quiet, and with his family was off for California. I
+got wind of it,--Van Nickem and I had a conference.
+
+"'We'll have him,' says Van. 'Find out what time he sails, where the
+vessel is, &c.; lay back until a few hours before the vessel is to cut
+loose, then go down, get the fellow ashore if you can, talk to him, soft
+soap him, ask him if he won't pay if he has luck in California, &c., and
+so on, and when you've got him a hundred yards from the vessel, knock
+him down, pummel him well; I'll have an officer ready to arrest both of
+you for breach of the peace; when you are brought up, I'll have a
+_charge_ made out against Cutaway for something or other, and if he
+don't fork out and clear, I'm mistaken,' said Van. I followed his advice
+to the letter; I pummelled Cutaway well; we were taken up and fined, and
+Cutaway was in a great hurry to say but little and get off. But Van and
+the _writ_ appeared. Cutaway looked streaked--he was alarmed. In two
+hours' time he disgorged not only my bill, but a bill of forty dollars
+costs! He then cut for the ship, the meanest looking white man you ever
+saw!"
+
+If Mr. Cutaway don't take the _force_ of that moral, _salt_ won't save
+him.
+
+
+
+
+Wonders of the Day.
+
+
+The "firm" who save a hogshead of ink, annually, by not allowing their
+clerks and book-keepers to dot their i's or cross their t's, are now
+bargaining (with the old school gentlemen who split a knife that cost a
+fourpence, in skinning a flea for his hide and tallow!) for a
+two-pronged pen, which cuts short business letters and printed
+bill-heads, by enabling a clerk to write on both sides of the paper, two
+lines at a time. Great improvement on the old method, ain't it?
+
+
+
+
+"Don't Know You, Sir!"
+
+
+We shall never forget, and always feel proud of the fact, that we _knew_
+so great an every-day _Plato_ as Davy Crockett. Had the old Colonel
+never uttered a better idea than that everlasting good motto--"Be sure
+you're right, then go ahead!" his wisdom would stand a pretty good
+wrestle with tide and time, before his standing, as a man of genius,
+would pass to oblivion--be washed out in Lethe's waters. We remember
+hearing Col. Crockett relate, during a "speech," a short time before he
+lost his life at the _Alamo_, in Texas--a little incident, of his being
+taken up in New Orleans, one night, by a _gen d'arme_--lugged to the
+calaboose, and kept there as an out-and-out "hard case," not being able
+to find any body, hardly, that knew him, and being totally unable to
+reconcile the chief of police to the fact that he _was_ the identical
+Davy Crockett, or any body else, above par! "If you want to find out
+your 'level,'--_ad valorem_, wake up some morning, noon or night--_where
+nobody knows you!_" said the Colonel, "and if you ever feel so
+essentially chawed up, _raw_, as I did in the calaboose, the Lord pity
+you!"
+
+There was a "modern instance" of Colonel Crockett's "wise saw," in the
+case of a certain Philadelphia millionaire, who was in the habit of
+_carting_ himself out, in a very ancient and excessively shabby gig;
+which, in consequence of its utter ignorance of the stable-boy's brush,
+sponge or broom, and the hospitalities the old concern nightly offered
+the hens--was not exactly the kind of _equipage_ calculated to win
+attention or marked respect, for the owner and driver. The old
+millionaire, one day in early October, took it into his head to ride
+out and see the country. Taking an early start, the old gentleman, and
+his old bob-tailed, frost-bitten-looking horse, with that same old
+shabby gig, about dusk, found themselves under the swinging sign of a
+Pennsylvania Dutch tavern, in the neighborhood of Reading. As nobody
+bestirred themselves to see to the traveller, he put his very
+old-fashioned face and wig outside of the vehicle, and called--
+
+"Hel-lo! hos-e-lair? Landlord?"
+
+Leisurely stalking down the steps, the Dutch hostler advanced towards
+the queer and questionable travelling equipage.
+
+"Vel, vot you vont, ah?"
+
+"Vat sal I vant? I sal vant to put oup my hoss, vis-ze stab'l, viz two
+pecks of oats and plenty of hay, hos-e-lair."
+
+"Yaw," was the laconic grunt of the hostler, as he proceeded to unhitch
+old bald-face from his rigging.
+
+"Stop one little," said the traveller. "I see 'tis very mosh like to
+rain, to-night; put up my gig in ze stab'l, too."
+
+"Boosh, tonner and blitzen, der rain not hurt yer ole gig!"
+
+"I pay you for vat you sal do for me, mind vat I sal say, sair, if you
+pleaze."
+
+The hostler, very surlily, led the traveller's weary old brute to the
+stable; but, prior to carrying out the orders of the traveller, he
+sought the landlord, to know if it would _pay_ to put up the shabby
+concern, and treat the old horse to a real feed of hay and oats, without
+making some inquiries into the financial situation of the old Frenchman.
+
+The landlord, with a country lawyer and a neighboring farmer, were at
+the _Bar_, one of those old-fashioned _slatted_ coops, in a corner,
+peculiar to Pennsylvania, discussing the merits of a law suit, seizure
+of the property, &c., of a deceased tiller of the soil, in the vicinity.
+Busily chatting, and quaffing their _toddy_, the entrance of the poor
+old traveller was scarcely noticed, until he had divested himself of
+his old, many-caped cloak, and demurely taken a seat in the room. The
+hostler having reappeared, and talked a little Dutch to the host, that
+worthy turned to the traveller--
+
+"Good even'ns, thravel'r!"
+
+"Yes, sair;" pleasantly responded the Frenchman, "a little."
+
+"You got a hoss, eh?" continued the landlord.
+
+"Yes, sair, I vish ze hostlair to give mine hoss plenty to eat--plenty
+hay, plenty oats, plenty watair, sair."
+
+"Yaw," responded the landlord, "den, Jacob, give'm der oats, and der
+hay, and der water;" and, with this brief direction to his subordinate,
+the landlord turned away from the way-worn traveller to resume his
+conversation with his more, apparently, influential friends. The old
+Frenchman very patiently waited until the discussion should cease, and
+the landlord's ear be disengaged, that he might be apprized of the fact
+that travellers had stomachs, and that of the old French gentleman was
+highly _incensed_ by long delay, and more particularly by the odorous
+fumes of roast fowls, ham and eggs, &c., issuing from the inner portion
+of the tavern.
+
+"Landlord, I vil take suppair, if you please," said he.
+
+"Yaw; after dese gentlemans shall eat der suppers, den somesing will be
+prepared for you."
+
+"Sair!" said the old Frenchman, firing up; "I vill not vait for ze
+shentilmen; I vant my suppair now, directly--right away; I not vait for
+nobody, sair!"
+
+"If you no like 'em, den you go off, out mine house," answered the old
+sour krout, "you old barber!"
+
+"Bar-bair!" gasped the old Frenchman, in suppressed rage. "Sair, I vill
+go no where, I vill stay here so long, by gar, as--as--as I please,
+sair!"
+
+"Are you aware, sir," interposed the legal gentleman, "that you are
+rendering gross and offensive, malicious and libellous, scandalous and
+burglarious language to this gentleman, in his own domicile, with malice
+prepense and aforethought, and a ----"
+
+"Pooh! pooh! _pooh!_ for you, sair!" testily replied the Frenchman.
+
+"Pooh? To me, sir? _Me, sir?_" bullyingly echoed Blackstone.
+
+"Yes, sair--pooh--_pooh!_ von geese, sair!"
+
+It were vain to try to depict the rage of wounded pride, the insolence
+of a travelling _barber_ had stirred up in the very face of the man of
+law, logic, and legal lore. He swelled up, blowed and strutted about
+like a _miffed_ gobbler in a barn yard! He tried to cork down his rage,
+but it bursted forth--
+
+"You--you--you infernal old frog-eating, soap and lather, you--you--you
+smoke-dried, one-eyed,* poor old wretch, you, if it wasn't for pity's
+sake, I'd have you taken up and put in the county jail, for vagrancy, I
+would, you poverty-stricken old rascal!"
+
+ [*] Girard, it will be remembered, had but one eye. With that,
+ however, he saw as much as many do with a full pair of eyes.
+
+"Jacob!" bawled the landlord, to his sub., "bring out der ole hoss
+again, pefore he die mit de crows, in mine stable; now, you ole fool,
+you shall go vay pout your bishenish mit nossin to eat, mit yer hoss
+too!" said the landlord, with an evident rush of blood and beer to his
+head!
+
+"Oh, veri well," patiently answered the old Frenchman, "veri well, sair,
+I sal go--but,"--shaking his finger very significantly at the landlord
+and lawyer, "I com' back to-morrow morning, I buy dis prop-er-tee; you,
+sir, sal make de deed in my name--I kick you out, sair, (to the
+landlord,) and to you (the lawyer), I sal like de goose. Booh!"
+
+With this, the poor old Frenchman started for his gig, amid the "Haw!
+haw! haw! and ha! ha! he! he!" of the landlord and lawyer. "That for
+you," said the Frenchman, as he gave the surly Dutchman-hostler a real
+half-dollar, took the dirty "ribbons" and drove off. Now, the farmer,
+one of the three spectators present, had quietly watched the
+proceedings, and being _gifted_ with enough insight into human nature to
+see something more than "an old French barber" in the person and manner
+of the traveller; and, moreover, being interested in the Tavern
+property, followed the Frenchman; overtaking him, he at once offered him
+the hospitalities of his domicile, not far distant, where the traveller
+passed a most comfortable night, and where his host found out that he
+was entertaining no less a pecuniary miracle of his time--_than Stephen
+Girard_.
+
+Early next morning, old Stephy, in his old and _shady_ gig, accompanied
+by his entertainer, rode over to the two owners of the Tavern property,
+and with them sought the _lawyer_, the deeds were made out, the old
+Frenchman _drew_ on his own Bank for the $13,000, gave the farmer a ten
+years' _lease_ upon the place, paid the lawyer for his trouble, and as
+that worthy accompanied the millionaire to the door, and was very
+obsequiously bowing him out, old Stephy turned around on the steps, and
+looking sharp--with his one eye upon the lawyer, says he--
+
+"Sair! Pooh! pooh!--_Booh!_" off he rode for the Tavern, where he and
+the landlord had a _haze_, the landlord was notified to _leave_, short
+metre; and being fully revenged for the insult paid his millions, old
+Stephen Girard, the great Philadelphia financier, rode back to where he
+was better used for his money, and evidently better satisfied than ever,
+that money is mighty when brought to bear upon an object!
+
+
+
+
+A Circumlocutory Egg Pedler.
+
+
+We have been, frequently, much amused with the man[oe]uvring of some
+folks in trade. It's not your cute folks, who screw, twist and twirl
+over a smooth fourpence, or skin a flea for its hide and tallow, and
+spoil a knife that cost a shilling,--that come out first best in the
+long run. Some folks have a weakness for beating down shop-keepers, or
+anybody else they deal with, and so far have we seen this _infirmity_
+carried, that we candidly believe we've known persons that would not
+stop short of cheapening the passage to kingdom come, if they thought a
+dollar and two cents might be saved in the fare! Now the _rationale_ of
+the matter is this:--as soon as persons establish a reputation for
+meanness--beating down folks, they fall victims to all sorts of shaves
+and short commons, and have the fine Saxony drawn over their eyes--from
+the nose to the occiput; they get the meanest "bargains," offals, &c.,
+that others would hardly have, even at a heavy discount. Then some folks
+are so wonderful sharp, too, that we wonder their very shadow does not
+often cut somebody. A friend of ours went to buy his wife a pair of
+gaiters; he brought them home; she found all manner of fault with them;
+among other drawbacks, she declared that for the price her better half
+had given for the gaiters, _she_ could have got the best article in
+Waxend's entire shop! _He_ said _she_ had better take them back and try.
+So she did, and poor Mr. Waxend had an hour of his precious time used up
+by the lady's attempt to get a more expensive pair of gaiters at a less
+price than those purchased by her husband. Waxend saw how matters stood,
+so he consented to adopt the maxim of--when Greek meets Greek, then
+comes the tug of war!
+
+"Now, marm," said he, "here is a pair of gaiters I have made for Mrs.
+Heavypurse; they are just your fit, most expensive material, the best
+article in the shop; Mrs. Heavypurse will not expect them for a few
+days, and rather than _you_ should be disappointed, I will let _you_
+have them for the same price your husband paid for those common ones!"
+
+Of course Mrs. ---- took them, went home in great glee, and told her
+better half she'd never trust him to go shopping for her again--for they
+always cheated him. When the husband came to scrutinize his wife's
+bargain, lo! he detected the self-same gaiters--merely with a different
+quality of lacings in them! He, like a philosopher, grinned and said
+nothing. That illustrates one phase in the character of some people who
+"go it blind" on "bargains" and now, for the pith of our story--the way
+some folks have of going round "Robin Hood's barn" to come at a thing.
+
+The other day we stopped into a friend's store to see how he was getting
+along, and presently in came a rural-district-looking customer.
+
+"How'd do?" says he, to the storekeeper, who was busy, keeping the stove
+warm.
+
+"Pretty well; how is it with you?"
+
+"Well, so, so; how's all the folks?"
+
+"Middling--middling, sir. How's all your folks?"
+
+"Tolerable--yes, tolerable," says the rural gent. "How's trade?" he
+ventured to inquire.
+
+"Dull, ray-ther dull," responded the storekeeper. "Come take a seat by
+the stove, Mr. Smallpotatoes."
+
+"Thank you, I guess not," says the ruralite. "Your folks are all
+stirring, eh?" he added.
+
+"Yes, stirring around a little, sir. How's your mother got?" the
+storekeeper inquired, for it appeared he knew the man.
+
+"Poorly, dreadful poorly, yet," was the reply. "Cold weather, you see,
+sort o' sets the old lady back."
+
+"I suppose so," responded our friend; and here, think's we, if there is
+anything important or business like on the man's mind, he must be near
+to its focus. But he started again--
+
+"Ain't goin' to Californy, then, are you?" says Mr. Smallpotatoes.
+
+"Guess not," said our friend. "You talked of going, I believe?"
+
+"Well, ye-e-e-s, I did think of it," said the rural gent; "I did think
+of it last fall, but I kind o' gin it up."
+
+Here another _hiatus_ occurred; the rural gent walked around, viewed the
+goods and chattels for some minutes; then says he--
+
+"Guess I'll be movin'," and of course that called forth from our friend
+the venerated expression--
+
+"What's your hurry?"
+
+"Well, nothing 'special. Plaguy cold winter we've got!"
+
+"That's a fact," answered the storekeeper. "How's sleighing out your
+way--good?"
+
+"First rate; I guess the folks have had enough of it, this winter, by
+jolly. I hev, any how," says the rural gent. "Trade's dull, eh?"
+
+"Very--very _slack_."
+
+"Dullest time of the year, I reckon, ain't it?"
+
+"Pretty much so, indeed," says the storekeeper.
+
+"I don't see's Californy goold gets much plentier, or business much
+better, nowhere."
+
+To this bit of cogent reason our friend replied--
+
+"Not much--that's a fact."
+
+"I 'spect there's a good deal of humbug about the Californy goold mines,
+don't you?"
+
+"The wealth of the country or the ease of coming at it," said the
+storekeeper, "is no doubt exaggerated some."
+
+"That's my opinion on't too," said the agriculturist. "Some make money
+out there, and then agin some don't; I reckon more don't than does." To
+this bright inference the storekeeper ventured to say--
+
+"I think it's highly _probable_."
+
+"All your folks are lively, eh?" inquired Smallpotatoes.
+
+"Pretty much so," said the storekeeper; "troubled a little with
+influenza, colds, &c.; nothing serious, however."
+
+"Well, I'm glad to hear it."
+
+"All your folks are well, I believe you said?" the storekeeper, in
+apparent solicitude, inquired, to be reassured of the fact.
+
+"Ye-e-e-s, exceptin' the old lady."
+
+Another pause; we began to feel convinced there was speculation in the
+rural gent's "eyes," and just for the fun of the thing--as we "were up"
+to such dodges--we determined to hang on and see how he come out.
+
+"Well, I declare, I must be goin'!" suddenly said the rural gent, and
+actually made five steps towards the handle of the door.
+
+"Don't be in a hurry," echoed the storekeeper. "When did you come in
+town?"
+
+"I come in this mornin'."
+
+"Any of the folks in with you?"
+
+"No; my wife did want to come in, but concluded it was too cold;
+'spected some of your folks out to see us durin' this good
+sleighing--why didn't you come?"
+
+"Couldn't very well spare time," said the storekeeper.
+
+"Well, we'd been glad to see you, and if you get time, and the sleighin'
+holds out, you must come and see us."
+
+"I may--I can't promise for certain."
+
+Now another pause took place, and thinks we--the climax has come,
+surely, after all that small talk. The country gent walked deliberately
+to the door; he actually took hold of the knob.
+
+"You off?" says the storekeeper.
+
+"B'lieve I'll be off"--opening the door, then rushes back
+again--semi-excited by the force of some pent up idea, says the rural
+gent--"O! Mr. ----, _don't you want to buy some good fresh eggs_?"
+
+"Eggs? Yes, I do; been looking all around for some fresh eggs; how many
+have you?"
+
+"Five dozen; thought you'd want some; so I come right in to see!"
+
+We nearly catapillered! After all this circumlocution, the man came to
+the _pint_, and--sold his eggs in two minutes!
+
+
+
+
+Jolly Old Times.
+
+
+Either mankind or his constitution has changed since "the good old
+times," for we read in an old medicine book, that bleeding at the nose,
+and cramp, could be effectually prevented by wearing a dried toad in a
+bag at the pit of the stomach; while for rheumatism and consumption, a
+snake skin worn in the crown of your hat, was a sovereign remedy! Dried
+toads and snake skins are quite out of use around these settlements, and
+we think the Esculapius who would recommend such nostrums, would be
+looked upon as a poor devil with a fissure in his cranium, liable to
+cause his brains to become weather-beaten! We remember hearing of a
+learned old cuffy, who lived down "dar" near Tallahassee, who invariably
+recommended cayenne pepper in the eye to cure the toothache! Had this
+venerable old colored gem'n lived 200 years ago, he would doubtless have
+created a sensation in the medical circles!
+
+
+
+
+The Pigeon Express Man.
+
+
+In nearly all yarns or plays in which Yankees figure, they are supposed
+to be "a leetle teu darn'd ceute" for almost any body else, creating a
+heap of fun, and coming out clean ahead; but that even Connecticut
+Yankees--the cutest and all firedest _tight_ critters on the face of the
+_yearth_, when money or trade's in the question--are "_done_" now and
+then, upon the most scientific principles, we are going to prove.
+
+It is generally known, in the newspaper world, that two or three Eastern
+men, a few years ago, started a paper in Philadelphia, upon the penny
+principle, and have since been rewarded as they deserved. They were, and
+are, men of great enterprise and liberality, as far as their business is
+concerned, and thereby they got ahead of all competition, and made their
+_pile_. The proprietors were always "fly" for any new dodge, by which
+they could keep the lead of things, and monopolize the _news_ market.
+The Telegraph had not "turned up" in the day of which we write--the
+_mails_, and, now and then, express horse lines, were the media through
+which _Great Excitements! Alarming Events!! Great Fires and Awful
+Calamities!!_ were come at. One morning, as one of these gentlemen was
+sitting in his office, a long, lank genius, with a visage as
+hatchet-faced and keen as any Connecticut Yankee's on record, came in,
+and inquired of one of the clerks for the proprietors of that
+institution. Being pointed out, the thin man made a _lean_ towards him.
+After getting close up, and twisting and screwing around his head to see
+that nobody was listening or looking, the lean man sat down very
+gingerly upon the extreme verge of a chair, and leaning forward until
+his razor-made nose almost touched that of the publisher, in a low,
+nasal, anxious tone, says he,
+
+"Air yeou one of the publishers of this paper?"
+
+"I am, sir."
+
+"Oh, yeou, sir!" said the visitor, again looking suspiciously around and
+about him.
+
+"Did you ever hear tell of the _Pigeon Express_?" he continued.
+
+"The Pigeon Express?" echoed the publisher.
+
+"Ya-a-s. Carrier pigeons--letters to their l-e-g-s and newspapers under
+their wings--trained to fly any where you warnt 'em."
+
+"Carrier Pigeons," mused the publisher--"Carrier--pigeons trained to
+carry billets--bulletins and--"
+
+"Go frum fifty to a hundred miles an hour!" chimed in the stranger.
+
+"True, so they say, very true," continued the publisher, musingly.
+
+"Elegant things for gettin' or sendin' noos head of every body else."
+
+"Precisely: that's a fact, that's a fact," the other responded, rising
+from his chair and pacing the floor, as though rather and decidedly
+_taken_ by the novelty and feasibility of the operation.
+
+"You'd have 'em all, Mister, dead as mutton, by a Pigeon Express."
+
+"I like the idea; good, first rate!"
+
+"Can't be beat, noheow!" said the stranger.
+
+"But what would it cost?"
+
+"Two hundred dollars, and a small wagon, to begin on."
+
+"A small wagon?"
+
+"Ya-a-s. Yeou see, Mister, the birds haff to be trained to fly from one
+_pint_ to another!"
+
+"Yes; well?"
+
+"Wa-a-ll, yeou see the birds are put in a box, on the top of the
+bildin', for a spell, teu git the _hang_ of things, and so on!"
+
+"Yes, very well; go on."
+
+"Then the birds are put in a cage, the trainer takes 'em into his
+wagon--ten miles at first--throws 'em up, and the birds go to the
+bildin'. Next day fifteen miles, and so forth; yeou see?"
+
+"Perfectly; I understand; now, where can these birds be had?"
+
+Putting his thin lips close to the publisher's opening ears, in a low,
+long way, says the stranger--
+
+"_I've got 'em!_ R-a-l-e Persian birds--be-e-utis!"
+
+"You understand training them?" says the anxious publisher.
+
+"_Like a book_," the stranger responded.
+
+"Where are the birds?" the publisher inquired.
+
+"I've got 'em down to the tavern, where I'm stoppin'."
+
+"Bring them up; let me see them; let me see them!"
+
+"Certainly, Mister, of course," responded the Pigeon express man,
+leaving the presence of the tickled-to-death publisher, who paced his
+office as full of effervescence as a jimmyjohn of spruce beer in dog
+days.
+
+About this time pigeons were being trained, and in a few cases, now and
+then, really did carry messages for lottery ticket venders in Jersey
+City, to Philadelphia, Wilmington, and Baltimore; but these exploits
+rarely paid first cost, and did not amount to much, although some noise
+was made about the wonderful performance of certain Carrier Pigeons. But
+the _paper_ was to have a new impulse--astonish all creation and the
+rest of mankind, by Pigeon Express. The publisher's partner was in New
+York, fishing for novelties, and he determined to astonish him, on his
+return home, by the _bird business!_ A coop was fixed on the top of the
+"bildin'," as the great inventor of the express had suggested. The
+wagon was bought, and, with two hundred dollars in for funds, passed
+over to the pigeon express man, who, in the course of a few days, takes
+the birds into his wagon, to take them out some few miles, throw them
+up, and the publisher and a confidential friend were to be on top of the
+"bildin'," looking out for them.
+
+They kept looking!--they saw something werry like a whale, but a good
+deal like a first-rate bad "_Sell!_" The lapse of a few days was quite
+sufficient to convince the publisher that he had been taken in and done
+for--regularly _picked up_ and done for,--upon the most approved and
+scientific principles. Rather than let the cat out of the bag, he made
+up his mind to pocket the _shave_ and keep shady, not even "letting on
+to his partner," who in the course of the following week returned from
+Gotham, evidently feeling as fine as silk, about something or other.
+
+"Well, what's new in New York--got hold of any thing rich?" was the
+first interrogatory.
+
+"Hi-i-i-sh! close the door!" was the reply, indicating something very
+important on the _tapis_.
+
+"So; my dear fellow, I've got a concern, now, that will put the
+sixpennies to sleep as sound as rocks!"
+
+"No. What have you started in Gotham?"
+
+"Exactly. If you don't own up the corn, that the idea is
+grand--immense--I'll knock under."
+
+"Good! I'm glad--particularly glad you've found something new and
+startling," responded the other. "Well, what is it?"
+
+"Great!--wonderful!--_Carrier Pigeons!_"
+
+"What! Pigeons?"
+
+"_Pigeons!_"
+
+"You don't pretend to say that--"
+
+"Yes, sir, all arranged--luckiest fellows alive, we are--"
+
+"Well, but--"
+
+"Oh, don't be uneasy--I fixed it."
+
+"Well, I'm hanged if this isn't rich!" muttered his partner, sticking
+his digits into his trowserloons--biting his lips and stamping around.
+
+"Rich! _elegant!_ In two weeks we'll be flying our birds and--"
+
+"Flying! Why, do you--"
+
+"Ha! ha! I knew I'd astonish you; Tom insisted on my keeping perfectly
+_mum_, until things were in regular working order; he then set the boys
+to work--we have large cages on top of the building--"
+
+"Come up on top of this building," said the partner, solemnly. "There,
+do you see that bundle of laths and stuff?"
+
+"Why--why, you don't pretend to say that--"
+
+"I do exactly; a scamp came along here a week ago--talked nothing but
+Carrier Pigeons--Pigeon Expresses--I thought I'd surprise you, and--"
+
+"Well, well--go on."
+
+"And by thunder I was green enough to give the fellow $200--a horse and
+wagon--"
+
+"Done! _done!_" roared the other, without waiting for further
+particulars--"$200 and a horse and wagon--just what Tom and I gave the
+scamp! ha! ha! ha!"
+
+"Haw! haw! haw!" and the publishers roared under the force of the
+_joke_.
+
+Whatever became of the pigeon express man is not distinctly known; but
+he is supposed to have given up the bird business, and gone into the
+manufacture of woolly horses and cod-liver oil.
+
+
+
+
+Jipson's Great Dinner Party.
+
+
+"Well, you must do it."
+
+"Do it?"
+
+"Do it, sir," reiterated the lady of Jipson, a man well enough to _do_
+in the world, chief clerk of a "sugar baker," and receiving his twenty
+hundred dollars a year, with no perquisites, however, and--plenty of New
+Hampshire contingencies, (to quote our beloved man of the million,
+Theodore Parker,) poor relations.
+
+"But, my dear Betsey, do you _know_, will you consider for once, that to
+_do_ a thing of the kind--to splurge out like Tannersoil, one must
+expect--at least I do--to sink a full _quarter_ of my salary, for the
+current year; yes, a full quarter?"
+
+"Oh! very well, if you are going to live up here" (Jipson had just moved
+up above "Bleecker street,")--"and bought your carriage, and
+engaged----"
+
+"Two extra servant girls," chimed in Jipson.
+
+"And a groom, sir," continued Mrs. J.
+
+"And gone into at least six hundred to eight hundred dollars a year
+extra expenses, to--a----"
+
+"To gratify yourself, and--a----"
+
+"Your--a--a--your vanity, Madam, you should have said, my dear."
+
+"Don't talk that way to me--to me--you brute; you know----"
+
+"I know all about it, my dear."
+
+"_My dear_--bah!" said the lady; "my _dear!_ save that, Mr. Jipson, for
+some of your--a--a----"
+
+What Mrs. J. might have said, we scarce could judge; but Jipson just
+then put in a "rejoinder" calculated to prevent the umpullaceous tone of
+Mrs. J.'s remarks, by saying, in a very humble strain--
+
+"Mrs. Jipson, don't make an ass of yourself: we are too old to act like
+goslings, and too well acquainted, I hope, with the matters-of-fact of
+every-day life, to quarrel about things beyond our reach or control."
+
+"If you talk of things beyond your control, Mr. Jipson, I mean beyond
+your reach, that your income will not permit us to live as other people
+live----"
+
+"I wouldn't like to," interposed Jipson.
+
+"What?" asked Mrs. Jipson.
+
+"Live like other people--that is, some people, Mrs. Jipson, that I know
+of."
+
+"You don't suppose _I'm_ going to bury myself and my poor girls in this
+big house, and have those servants standing about me, their fingers in
+their mouths, with nothing to do but----"
+
+"But what?"
+
+"But cook, and worry, and slave, and keep shut up for a----"
+
+"For what?"
+
+"For a--a----"
+
+But Mrs. J. was stuck. Jipson saw that; he divined what a _point_ Mrs.
+J. was about to, but could not conscientiously make, so he relieved her
+with--
+
+"My dear Betsey, it's a popular fallacy, an exploded idea, a
+contemptible humbug, to live merely for your neighbors, the rabble world
+at large. Thousands do it, my dear, and I've no objection to their doing
+it; it's their own business, and none of mine. I have moved up town
+because I thought it would be more pleasant; I bought a modest kind of
+family carriage because I could afford it, and believed it would add to
+our recreations and health; the carriage and horses required care; I
+engaged a man to attend to them, fix up the garden, and be useful
+generally, and added a girl or two to your domestic departments, in
+order to lighten your own cares, &c. Now, all this, my dear woman, you
+ought to know, rests a very important responsibility upon my shoulders,
+health, life, and--two thousand dollars a year, and if you imagine it
+compatible with common sense, or consonant with my judgment, to make an
+ass or fool of myself, by going into the extravagances and tom-fooleries
+of Tannersoil, our neighbor over the way, who happens for the time to be
+'under government,' with a salary of nothing to speak of, but with
+stealings equal to those of a successful freebooter, you--you--you have
+placed a--a bad estimate upon my common sense, Madam."
+
+With this flaring burst of eloquence, Jipson seized his hat, gloves and
+cane, and soon might be seen an elderly, natty, well-shaved,
+slightly-flushed gentleman taking his seat in a down town bound _bus_,
+en route for the sugar bakery of the firm of Cutt, Comeagain, & Co. It
+was evident, however, from the frequency with which Jipson plied his
+knife and rubber to his "figgers" of the day's accounts, and the
+tremulousness with which he drove the porcupine quill, that Jipson was
+thinking of something else!
+
+"Mr. Jipson, I wish you'd square up that account of Look, Sharp, & Co.,
+to-day," said Mr. Cutt, entering the counting room.
+
+"All folly!" said Jipson, scratching out a mistake from his day-book,
+and not heeding the remark, though he saw the person of his employer.
+
+"Eh?" was the ejaculation of Cutt.
+
+"All folly!"
+
+"I don't understand you, sir!" said Cutt, in utter astonishment.
+
+"Oh! I beg pardon, sir," said poor Jipson; "I beg pardon, sir. Engrossed
+in a little affair of my own, I quite overlooked your observation. I
+will attend to the account of Look, Sharp, & Co., at once, sir;" and
+while Jipson was at it, his employer went out, wondering what in faith
+could be the matter with Jipson, a man whose capacity and gentlemanly
+deportment the firm had tested to their satisfaction for many years
+previous. The little _incident_ was mentioned to the partner, Comeagain.
+The firm first laughed, then wondered what was up to disturb the usual
+equilibrium of Jipson, and ended by hoping he hadn't taken to drink or
+nothing!
+
+"Guess I'd better do it," soliloquizes Jipson. "My wife is a good woman
+enough, but like most women, lets her vanity trip up her common sense,
+now and then; she feels cut down to know that Tannersoil's folks are
+plunging out with dinners and evening parties, troops of company, piano
+going, and bawling away their new fol-de-rol music. Yes, guess I'll do
+it.
+
+"Mrs. Jipson little calculates the horrors--not only in a pecuniary, but
+domestic sense--that these dinners, suppers and parties to the rag-tag
+and bobtail, cost many honest-meaning people, who _ought_ to be ashamed
+of them.
+
+"But, I'll do it, if it costs me the whole quarter's salary!"
+
+A few days were sufficient to concoct details and arrange the programme.
+When Mrs. Jipson discovered, as she vainly supposed, the prevalence of
+"better sense" on the part of her husband, she was good as cranberry
+tart, and flew around in the best of humor, to hurry up the event that
+was to give _eclat_ to the new residence and family of the Jipsons,
+slightly dim the radiance or mushroom glory of the Tannersoil family,
+and create a commotion generally--above Bleecker street!
+
+Jipson _drew_ on his employers, for a quarter's salary. The draft was
+honored, of course, but it led to some _speculation_ on the part of "the
+firm," as to what Jipson was up to, and whether he wasn't getting into
+evil habits, and decidedly bad economy in his old age. Jipson talked,
+Mrs. Jipson talked. Their almost--in fact, Mrs. J., like most ambitious
+mothers, thought, _really_--marriageable daughters dreamed and talked
+dinner parties for the full month, ere the great event of their lives
+came duly off.
+
+One of the seeming difficulties was who to invite--who to get to come,
+and _where_ to get them! Now, originally, the Jipsons were from the
+"Hills of New Hampshire, of poor but respectable" birth. Fifteen years
+in the great metropolis had not created a very extensive acquaintance
+among solid folks; in fact, New York society fluctuates, ebbs and flows
+at such a rate, that society--such as domestic people might recognize as
+unequivocally genteel--is hard to fasten to or find. But one of the Miss
+Jipsons possessed an acquaintance with a Miss Somebody else, whose
+brother was a young gentleman of very _distingue_ air, and who knew the
+entire "ropes" of fashionable life, and people who enjoyed that sort of
+existence in the gay metropolis.
+
+Mr. Theophilus Smith, therefore, was eventually engaged. It was his, as
+many others' vocation, to arrange details, command the feast, select the
+company, and control the coming event. The Jipsons confined their
+invitations to the few, very few genteel of the family, and even the
+diminutiveness of the number invited was decimated by Mr. Smith, who was
+permitted to review the parties invited.
+
+Few domiciles--of civilian, "above Bleecker st.,"--were better
+illuminated, set off and detailed than that of Jipson, on the evening of
+the ever-memorable dinner. Smith had volunteered to "engage" a whole set
+of silver from Tinplate & Co., who generously offer our ambitious
+citizens such opportunities to splurge, for a fair consideration; while
+china, porcelain, a dozen colored waiters in white aprons, with six
+plethoric fiddlers and tooters, were also in Smith's programme. Jipson
+at first was puzzled to know where he could find volunteers to fill two
+dozen chairs, but when night came, Mr. Theophilus Smith, by force of
+tactics truly wonderful, drummed in a force to face a gross of plates,
+napkins and wine glasses.
+
+Mrs. Jipson was evidently astonished, the Misses J. not a little vexed
+at the "raft" of elegant ladies present, and the independent manner in
+which they monopolized attention and made themselves at home.
+
+Jipson swore inwardly, and looked like "a sorry man." Smith was at home,
+in his element; he was head and foot of the party. Himself and friends
+soon led and ruled the feast. The band struck up; the corks flew, the
+wine _fizzed_, the ceilings were spattered, and the walls tattooed with
+Burgundy, Claret and Champagne!
+
+"To our host!" cries Smith.
+
+"Yes--ah! 'ere's--ah! to our a--our host!" echoes another swell, already
+insolently "corned."
+
+"Where the--a--where is our worthy host?" says another specimen of
+"above Bleecker street" genteel society. "I--a say, trot out your host,
+and let's give the old fellow a toast!"
+
+"Ha! ha! b-wavo! b-wavo!" exclaimed a dozen shot-in-the-neck bloods,
+spilling their wine over the carpets, one another, and table covers.
+
+"This is intolerable!" gasps poor Jipson, who was in the act of being
+kept _cool_ by his wife, in the drawing-room.
+
+"Never mind, Jipson----"
+
+"Ah! there's the old fellaw!" cries one of the swells.
+
+"I-ah--say, Mister----"
+
+"Old roostaw, I say----"
+
+"Gentlemen!" roars Jipson, rushing forward, elevating his voice and
+fists.
+
+"For heaven's sake! Jipson," cries the wife.
+
+"Gentlemen, or bla'guards, as you are."
+
+"Oh! oh! Jipson, will you hear me?" imploringly cries Mrs. Jipson.
+
+"What--ah--are you at? Does he--ah----"
+
+"Yes, what--ah--does old Jip say?"
+
+"Who the deuce, old What's-your-name, do you call gentlemen?" chimes in
+a third.
+
+"Bla'guards!" roars Jipson.
+
+"Oh, veri well, veri well, old fellow, we--ah--are--ah--to blame
+for--ah--patronizing a snob," continues a swell.
+
+"A what?" shouts Jipson.
+
+"A plebeian!"
+
+"A codfish--ah----"
+
+"Villains! scoundrels! bla'guards!" shouts the outraged Jipson, rushing
+at the intoxicated swells, and hitting right and left, upsetting chairs,
+tables, and lamps.
+
+"Murder!" cries a knocked down guest.
+
+"E-e-e-e-e-e!" scream the ladies.
+
+"Don't! E-e-e-e! don't kill my father!" screams the daughter.
+
+Chairs and hats flew; the negro servants and Dutch fiddlers, only
+engaged for the occasion, taking no interest in a free fight, and not
+caring two cents who whipped, laid back and--
+
+"Yaw! ha! ha! De lor'! Yaw! ha! ha!"
+
+Mrs. Jipson fainted; ditto two others of the family; the men folks (!)
+began to travel; the ladies (!) screamed; called for their hats, shawls,
+and _chaperones_,--the most of the latter, however, were _non est_, or
+too well "set up," to heed the common state of affairs.
+
+Jipson finally cleared the house. Silence reigned within the walls for a
+week. In the interim, Mrs. Jipson and the daughters not only got over
+their hysterics, but ideas of gentility, as practised "above Bleecker
+street." It took poor Jipson an entire year to recuperate his financial
+"outs," while it took the whole family quite as long to get over their
+grand debut as followers of fashion in the great metropolis.
+
+
+
+
+Look out for them Lobsters.
+
+
+Deacon ----, who resides in a pleasant village inside of an hour's ride
+upon Fitchburg road, rejoices in a fondness for the long-tailed
+_crustacea_, vulgarly known as lobsters. And, from messes therewith
+fulminated, by _some_ of our professors of gastronomics that we have
+seen, we do not attach any wonder at all to the deacon's penchant for
+the aforesaid shell-fish. The deacon had been disappointed several times
+by assertions of the lobster merchants, who, in their overwhelming zeal
+to effect a sale, had been a little too sanguine of the precise _time_
+said lobsters were caught and boiled; hence, after lugging home a ten
+pound specimen of the vasty deep, miles out into the quiet country, the
+deacon was often sorely vexed to find the lobster no better than it
+should be!
+
+"Why don't you get them alive, deacon?" said a friend,--"get them alive
+and kicking, deacon; boil them yourself; be sure of their freshness, and
+have them cooked more carefully and properly."
+
+"Well said," quoth the deacon; "so I can, for they sell them, I observe,
+near the depot,--right out of the boat. I'm much obliged for the
+notion."
+
+The next visit of the good deacon to Boston,--as he was about to return
+home, he goes to the bridge and bargains for two live lobsters, fine,
+active, lusty-clawed fellows, alive and kicking, and no mistake!
+
+"But what will I do with them?" says the deacon to the purveyor of the
+_crustacea_, as he gazed wistfully upon the two sprawling, ugly, green
+and scratching lobsters, as they lay before him upon the planks at his
+feet.
+
+"Do with 'em?" responded the lobster merchant,--"why, bile 'em and eat
+'em! I bet you a dollar you never ate better lobsters 'n them, nohow,
+mister!"
+
+The deacon looked anxiously and innocently at the speaker, as much as to
+say--"you don't say so?"
+
+"I mean, friend, how shall I get them home?"
+
+"O," says the lobster merchant, "that's easy enough; here, Saul," says
+he, calling up a frizzle-headed lad in blue pants--_sans_ hat or boots,
+and but one _gallows_ to his breeches, "here, you, light upon these
+lobsters and carry 'em home for this old gentleman."
+
+"Goodness, bless you," says the deacon; "why friend, I reside ten miles
+out in the country!"
+
+"O, the blazes you do!" says the lobster merchant; "well, I tell you,
+Saul can carry 'em to the cars for you in this 'ere bag, if you're goin'
+out?"
+
+"Truly, he can," quoth the deacon; "and Saul can go right along with
+me."
+
+The lobsters were dashed into a piece of Manilla sack, thrown across the
+shoulders of the juvenile Saul, and away they went at the heels of the
+deacon, to the depot; here Saul dashed down the "poor creturs" until
+their bones or shells rattled most piteously, and as the deacon handed a
+"three cent piece" to Saul, the long and wicked claw of one of the
+lobsters protruded out of the bag--opened and shut with a _clack_, that
+made the deacon shudder!
+
+"Those fellows are plaguy awkward to handle, are they not, my son?" says
+the deacon.
+
+"Not _werry_," says the boy; "they can't bite, cos you see they's got
+pegs down here--_hallo!_" As Saul poked his hand down towards the big
+claw lying partly out of the open-mouthed bag, the claw opened, and
+_clacked_ at his fingers, ferocious as a mad dog.
+
+"His peg's out," said the boy--"and I can't fasten it; but here's a
+chunk of twine; tie the bag and they can't get out, any how, and you
+kin put 'em into yer pot right out of the bag."
+
+"Yes, yes," says the deacon; "I guess I will take care of them; bring
+them here; there, just place the bag right in under my seat; so, that
+will do."
+
+Presently the cars began to fill up, as the minute of departure
+approached, and soon every seat around the worthy deacon was occupied.
+By-and-by, "a middle-aged lady," in front of the deacon, began to
+_fussle_ about and twist around, as if anxious to arrange the great
+amplitude of her _drapery_, and look after something "bothering" her
+feet. In front of the lady, sat a _slab_-sided _genus_ dandy, fat as a
+match and quite as good looking; between his legs sat a pale-face dog,
+with a flashing collar of brass and tinsel, quite as gaudy as his
+master's neck-choker; this canine gave an awful--
+
+"_Ihk!_ ow, yow! yow-oo--yow, ook! yow! _yow!_ YOW!"
+
+"Lor' a massy!" cries the woman in front of the deacon, jumping up, and
+making a desperate splurge to get up on to the seats, and in the effort
+upsetting sundry bundles and parcels around her!
+
+"Yow-_ook!_ Yow-_ook!_" yelled the dog, jumping clear out of the grasp
+of the juvenile _Mantillini_, and dashing himself on to the head and
+shoulders of the next seat occupants, one of whom was a sturdy civilized
+Irishman, who made "no bones" in grasping the sickly-looking dog, and to
+the horror and alarm of the entire female party present, he sung out:
+
+"Whur-r-r ye about, ye brute! Is the divil _mad_?"
+
+"Eee! Ee! O dear! O! O!" cries an anxious mother.
+
+"O! O! O-o-o! save us from the dog!" cries another.
+
+"Whur-r-r-r! ye _divil!_" cries the Irish gintilman, pinning the poor
+dog down between the seats, with a force that extracted another glorious
+yell.
+
+"Ike! Ike! Ike! oo, ow! ow! Ike! Ike! Ike!"
+
+"Murder! mur-r-r-der!" bawls another victim in the rear of the deacon,
+leaping up in his seat, and rubbing his leg vigorously.
+
+"What on airth's loose?" exclaims one.
+
+"Halloo! what's that?" cries another, hastily vacating his seat and
+crowding towards the door.
+
+"O dear, O! O!" anxiously cries a delicate young lady.
+
+"What? who? where?" screamed a dozen at once.
+
+"Good _conscience!_" exclaims the deacon, as he dropped his newspaper,
+in the midst of the din--noise and confusion; and with a most singular
+and spasmodic effort to dance a "_high_land fling," he hustled out of
+his seat, exclaiming:
+
+"Good conscience, I really believe they're out."
+
+"Eh? What--what's out?" cries one.
+
+"Snakes!" echoes an old gentleman, grasping a cane.
+
+"Snappin' turtles, Mister?" inquire several.
+
+"Snakes!" cried a dozen.
+
+"Snappers!" echoes a like quantity of the dismayed.
+
+"Snapper-r-r-r-rs!"
+
+"Snake-e-e-es!" O what a din!
+
+"Halloo! here, what's all this? What's the matter?" says the conductor,
+coming to the rescue.
+
+"That man's got snakes in the car!" roar several at once.
+
+"And snappin' turtles, too, consarn him!" says one, while all eyes were
+directed, tongues wagging, and hands gesticulating furiously at the
+astonished deacon.
+
+"Take care of them! Take care of them! I believe I'm bitten clear
+through my boot--catch them, Mr. Swallow!" cries the deacon.
+
+"Swallow 'em, Mr. Catcher!" echoes the frightened dandy.
+
+"What? where?" says the excited conductor, looking around.
+
+"Here, here, in under these seats, sir,--_my lobsters, sir_," says the
+deacon, standing aloof to let the conductor and the man with the cane
+get at the _reptiles_, as the latter insisted.
+
+"Darn 'em, are they only lobsters!"
+
+"Pooh! Lobsters!" says young Mantillini, with a mock heroic shrug of his
+shoulders, and looking fierce as two cents!
+
+"Come out here!" says the conductor, feeling for them.
+
+"Take care!" says the deacon, "the plaguy things have got their pins
+out!"
+
+"Why, they are _alive_, and crawling around; hear the old fellow,--take
+care, Mr. Swaller--he's cross as sin!" says the man with the
+cane--"wasn't that a _snap_? Take care! You got him?" that indefatigable
+assistant continued, rattling his tongue and cane.
+
+"I've got them!" cries the conductor.
+
+"Put them in the bag, here, sir," says the deacon.
+
+"Take them out of this car!" cries everybody.
+
+"Plaguy things," says the deacon. "I sha'n't never buy another _live
+lobster!_"
+
+Order was restored, passengers took their seats, but when young
+Mantillini looked for his dog, he had vamosed with the _Irishman_, at
+"the last stopping place," in his excitement, leaving a quart jug of
+whiskey in lieu of the dandy's dog.
+
+
+
+
+The Fitzfaddles at Hull.
+
+
+"Well, well, drum no more about it, for mercy's sake; if you must go,
+you must _go_, that's all."
+
+"Yes, just like you, Fitzfaddle"--pettishly reiterates the lady of the
+middle-aged man of business; "mention any thing that would be gratifying
+to the children--"
+
+"The children--_umph!_"
+
+"Yes, the children; only mention taking the dear, tied-up souls to,
+to--to the Springs--"
+
+"_Haven't_ they been to Saratoga? _Didn't_ I spend a month of my
+precious time and a thousand of my precious dollars there, four years
+ago, to be physicked, cheated, robbed, worried, starved, and--laughed
+at?" Fitzfaddle responds.
+
+"Or, to the sea-side--" continued the lady.
+
+"Sea-side! good conscience!" exclaims Fitzfaddle; "my dear Sook--"
+
+"Don't call me _Sook_, Fitzfaddle; _Sook!_ I'm not _in_ the kitchen, nor
+_of_ the kitchen, you'll please remember, Fitzfaddle!" said the lady,
+with evident feeling.
+
+"O," echoed Fitz, "God bless me, Mrs. Fitzfaddle, don't be so rabid;
+don't be foolish, in your old days; my dear, we've spent the happiest of
+our days in the kitchen; when we were first married, _Susan_, when our
+whole stock in trade consisted of five ricketty chairs--"
+
+"Well, that's enough about it--" interposed the lady.
+
+"A plain old pine breakfast table--" continued Fitz.
+
+"I'd stop, just THERE--" scowlingly said Mrs. Fitz.
+
+"My father's old chest, and your mother's old corner cupboard--"
+persevered the indefatigable monster.
+
+"I'd go through the whole inventory--" angrily cried Mrs. Fitz--"clean
+down to--"
+
+"The few broken pots, pans, and dishes we had--"
+
+"Don't you--_don't you feel ashamed of yourself_?" exclaims Mrs. Fitz,
+about as full of anger as she could well contain; but Fitz keeps the
+even tenor of his way.
+
+"Not at all, my dear; Heaven forbid that I should ever forget a jot of
+the real happiness of any portion of my life. When you and I, dear Sook
+(an awful scowl, and a sudden change of her position, on her costly
+rocking chair. Fitz looked askance at Mrs. Fitz, and proceeded); when
+you and I, _Susan_, lived in Dowdy's little eight by ten 'blue frame,'
+down in Pigginsborough; not a yard of carpet, or piece of mahogany, or
+silver, or silk, or satin, or flummery of any sort, the five old
+chairs--"
+
+"Good conscience! are you going to have that over again?" cries Mrs.
+Fitz, with the utmost chagrin.
+
+"The old white pine table--"
+
+Mrs. Fitz starts in horror.
+
+"My father's old chest, and your mother's old corner cupboard!"
+
+Mrs. Fitz, in an agony, walks the floor!
+
+"The few broken or cracked pots, pans and dishes, we had--"
+
+Nature quite "gin eout"--the exhausted Mrs. Fitzfaddle throws herself
+down upon the sumptuous _conversazione_, and absorbs her grief in the
+ample folds of a lace-wrought handkerchief (bought at Warren's--cost the
+entire profits of ten quintals of Fitzfaddle & Co.'s A No. 1 cod!),
+while the imperturbable Fitz drives on--
+
+"Your mother's old cooking stove, Susan--the time and again, Susan, I've
+sat in that little kitchen--"
+
+Mrs. Fitzfaddle shudders all over. Each reminiscence, so dear to
+Fitzfaddle, seems a dagger to her.
+
+"With little Nanny--"
+
+"You--you brute! You--you vulgar--you--you Fitzfaddle. Nanny! to call
+your daughter N-Nanny!"
+
+"Nanny! why, yes, Nanny--" says the matter-of-fact head of the firm of
+Fitzfaddle & Co. "I believe we did intend to call the girl Nancy; we
+_did_ call her Nanny, Mrs. Fitzfaddle; but, like all the rest, by your
+innovations, things have kept changing no better fast. I believe my soul
+that girl has had five changes in her name before you concluded it was
+up to the highest point of modern respectability. From Nancy you had it
+Nannette, from Nannette to Ninna, from Ninna to Naomi, and finally it
+was rested at Anna Antoinette De Orville Fitzfaddle! Such a mess of
+nonsense to _handle_ my plain name."
+
+"Anna Antoinette De Orville"--said Mrs. Fitz, suddenly rallying, "_is_ a
+name, only made _plain_ by your ugly and countryfied prefix. De Orville
+is a name," said the lady.
+
+"I should like to know," said the old gentleman, "upon what pretext,
+Mrs. Fitzfaddle, you lay claim to such a Frenchy and flighty name or
+title as De Orville?"
+
+"Wasn't it my family name, you brute?" cried Mrs. Fitz.
+
+"Ho! ho! ho! Sook, Sook, _Sook_," says Fitzfaddle.
+
+"_Sook!_" almost screams Mrs. Fitz.
+
+"Yes, _Sook_, Sook _Scovill_, daughter of a good old-fashioned,
+patriotic farmer--_Timothy Scovill_, of Tanner's Mills, in the county of
+Tuggs--down East. And when I married Sook (Mrs. Fitz jumped up, a
+rustling of silk is heard--a door slams, and the old gentleman finishes
+his domestic narrative, _solus!_), she was as fine a gal as the State
+ever produced. We were poor, and we knew it; wasn't discouraged or put
+out, on the account of our poverty. We started in the world square;
+happy as clams, nothing but what was useful around us; it is a happy
+reflection to look back upon those old chairs, pine table, my father's
+old chest, and Sook's mother's old corner cupboard--the cracked pots
+and pans--the old stove--Sook as ruddy and bright as a full-blown rose,
+as she bent over the hot stove in our parlor, dining room, and
+kitchen--turning her slap-jacks, frying, baking and boiling, and I often
+by her side, with our first child, Nanny, on my--"
+
+"Well, I hope by this time you're over your vulgar Pigginsborough
+recollections, Fitzfaddle!" exclaims Mrs. Fitz, re-entering the parlor.
+
+"I was just concluding, my dear, the happy time when I sat and read to
+you, or held Nanny, while you--"
+
+"Fitzfaddle, for goodness' sake--"
+
+"While you--ruddy and bright, my dear, as the full-blown rose, bent over
+your mother's old cook stove--"
+
+"Are you crazy, Fitz, or do you want to craze me?" cried the really
+_tried_ woman.
+
+"Turning your slap-jacks," continues Fitz, suiting the action to the
+word.
+
+"Fitzfaddle!" cries Mrs. Fitz, in the most sublimated paroxysm of pity
+and indignation, but Fitz let it come.
+
+"_While I dandled Nanny on my knee!_"
+
+A pause ensues; Fitzfaddle, in contemplation of the past, and Mrs. Fitz
+fortifying herself for the opening of a campaign to come. At length,
+after a deal of "dicker," Fitz remembering only the bad dinners, small
+rooms, large bills, sick, parboiled state of the children, clash and
+clamor of his trips to the Springs, sea-side and mountain resorts; and
+Mrs. Fitz dwelling over the strong opposition (show and extravagance)
+she had run against the many ambitious shop-keepers' wives, tradesmen's,
+lawyers' and doctors' daughters--Mrs. Fitz gained her point, and the
+family,--Mrs. Fitz, the two now marriageable daughters--Anna Antoinette
+De Orville, and Eugenia Heloise De Orville, and Alexander Montressor De
+Orville, and two servants--start in style, for the famed city of Hull!
+
+It was yet early in the season, and Fitzfaddle had secured, upon
+accommodating terms, rooms &c., of Mrs. Fitzfaddle's own choosing. With
+the diplomacy of five prime ministers, and with all the pride, pomp and
+circumstance of a fine-looking woman of two-and-forty,--husband rich,
+and indulgent at that; armed with two "marriageable daughters," you
+may--if at all familiar with life at a "watering-place," fancy Mrs.
+Fitzfaddle's feelings, and perhaps, also, about a third of the _swarth_
+she cut. The first evident opposition Mrs. Fitz encountered, was from
+the wife of a wine merchant. This lady made her _entree_ at ---- House,
+with a pair of bays and "body servant," two poodles, and an immensity of
+band boxes, patent leather trunks, and--her husband. The first day Mrs.
+Oldport sat at table, her new style of dress, and her European jewels,
+were the afternoon talk; but at tea, the Fitzfaddles _spread_, and Mrs.
+Oldport was bedimmed, easy; the next day, however, "turned up" an
+artist's wife and daughter, whose unique elegance of dress and
+proficiency in music took down the entire collection! Mrs. Michael
+Angelo Smythe and daughter captivated two of Mrs. Fitzfaddle's
+"circle"--a young naval gent and a 'quasi Southern planter, much to her
+chagrin and Fitzfaddle's pecuniary suffering; for next evening Mrs. F.
+got up,--to get back her two recruits--a grand private _hop_, at a cost
+of $130! And the close of the week brought such a cloud of beauty,
+jewels, marriageable daughters and ambitious mothers, wives, &c., that
+Mrs. Fitzfaddle got into such a worry with her diplomatic arrangements,
+her competitions, stratagems,--her fuss, her jewels, silks, satins and
+feathers, that a nervous-headache preceded a typhus fever, and the
+unfortunate lady was forced to retire from the field of her glory at the
+end of the third week, entirely prostrated; and poor Jonas Fitzfaddle
+out of pocket--more or less--_five hundred dollars!_ The last we heard
+of Fitzfaddle, he was apostrophizing the good old times when he rejoiced
+in five old chairs--cook stove--slap-jacks, &c.!
+
+
+
+
+Putting Me on a Platform!
+
+
+Human nature doubtless has a great many weak points, and no few bipeds
+have a great itching after notoriety and fame. Fame, I am credibly
+informed, is not unlike a greased pig, always hard chased, but too
+eternal slippery for every body to hold on to! I have never cared a
+tinker's curse for glory myself; the satisfaction of getting quietly
+along, while in pursuit of bread, comfort and knowledge, has sufficed to
+engross my individual attention; but I've often "had my joke" by
+observing the various grand dashes made by cords of folks, from snob to
+nob, patrician to plebeian, in their gyrations to form a circle, in
+which they might be the centre pin! This desire, or feeling, is a part
+and parcel of human nature; you will observe it every where--among the
+dusky and man-eating citizens of the Fejee Islands--the dog-eating
+population of China--the beef-eaters of England, and their descendants,
+ye _Yankoos_ of the new world; all, all have a tendency for lionization.
+
+This very _innocent_ pastime finds a great many supporters, too;
+toadyism is the main prop that sustains and exalteth the vain glory of
+man; if you can only get a _toady_--the _more_ the better--you can the
+sooner and firmer fix your digits upon the greased pig of fame; but as
+thrift must always follow fawning, or toadyism, it is most essentially
+necessary that you be possessed of a greater or lesser quantity of the
+goods and chattels of this world, or some kind of tangible effects, to
+grease the wheels of your emollient supporters; otherwise you will soon
+find all your air-built castles, dignity and glory, dissolve into mere
+gas, and your stern in the gravel immediately.
+
+Such is the pursuit of glory, and such its supporters, their gas and
+human weakness. I have said that I never sought distinction, but I have
+had it thrust upon me more than once, and the last effort of the kind
+was so particularly _salubrious_, that I must relate to you,
+_confidentially_ of course, how it came about.
+
+When I first came to Boston, as a matter of course, I spent much of my
+time in surveying "the lions," dipping into this, and peeping into that;
+promenading the Common and climbing the stupendous stairway of Bunker
+Hill; ransacking the forts, islands, beautiful Auburn, &c., &c.
+
+Finally, I went into the State House, but as this notable building was
+undergoing some repairs, placards were tacked up about the doors,
+prohibiting persons from strolling about the capitol. The attendant was
+very polite, and told me, and several others desirous to see the
+building inside, that if we called in the course of a few days, we could
+be gratified, but for the present no one but those engaged about the
+work, were allowed to enter. I persisted so closely in my desire to
+examine the interior, while on the spot, that the man, when the rest of
+the visitors had gone, relented, and I was not only allowed to see what
+I should see, but he _toted_ me "round."
+
+We sauntered into the Assembly Chamber, surveyed and learned all the
+particulars of that, peered into the side-rooms, closets, &c., and then
+came to the Senate Chamber. This you know is something finer than the
+country meeting house, or circus-looking Assembly Chamber, where the
+"fresh-men," or green members from Hard-Scrabble, Hull, Squantum,
+etc.,--incipient Demostheneses, and sucking Ciceros, first tap their
+gasometers "in the haouse." Here I found the venerable pictures of the
+ancient _mugs_, who have figured as Governors, &c., of the commonwealth,
+from the days of Puritan Winthrop to the ever-memorable Morton, who,
+strange as it may appear, was really elected Governor, though a
+double-distilled Democrat. Bucklers, swords, drums and muskets, that
+doubtless rattled and banged away upon Bunker Hill, were duly, carefully
+and critically examined, and as a finale to my debut in the Senate, I
+mounted the Speaker's stand, and spouted about three feet of Webster's
+first oration at Bunker Hill. To be sure, my audience was _small_, but
+_it_ was duly attentive, and as I waved my hands aloft, and thumped my
+ribs, after the most approved system of patriotic vehemence of the day,
+he--my audience--opened his mouth, and stretched his eyes to the size of
+dinner plates, at my prodigious slaps at eloquence; the very ears of the
+_canvased_ governors seemed pricked up, and I descended the stand big as
+Mogul, insinuated "a quarter" into the palm of the polite attendant,
+informed him I should call in a few days to take a view from the top of
+the dome, &c. He bowed and I took myself off.
+
+Several days afterwards I found myself in the vicinity of the State
+House; so, thinks I, I'll just drop in, and go up to the top of the dome
+and get a view of the city and suburbs.
+
+My chaperon was on hand, and he no sooner clapped eyes upon me, than he
+pitched into all manner of highfernooten flub-dubs, bowed and scraped,
+and regretted that the day was so misty and dull, as I would not be
+enabled to have half a chance to get a view.
+
+"I wouldn't try it to-day, sir," said he.
+
+"What's the reason?" asked I.
+
+"Oh," replied he, "you'll not see half the outline of the city and the
+villages around, and you'll want to get them all down distinct."
+
+"Get them all _down_ distinct?" quoth I.
+
+"Yes, sir; and the day is so dull and cloudy that you'll not see half
+the prominent buildings, never mind the whole of the former and not so
+easily seen houses. You intend taking a full view, don't you, sir?"
+
+"Why, yes, I would like to," says I, partly lost to conceive what caused
+such a sudden and unaccountable ebullition of the man's great interest
+in my getting "a first rate notice" of matters and things from the top
+of the capitol! But up I went, in spite of my attentive friend's fears
+of my not getting quite so clear and distinct a view as he could wish.
+Having gratified myself with such a view as the weather and the height
+of the capitol afforded (and in clear weather you can get far the best
+survey of Boston and the environs from the top of the State House than
+from any other promontory about), I descended again. At the foot of the
+stairway my assiduous cicerone again beset me, introduced several other
+miscellaneous-looking chaps to me, and, in short, was making of me, why
+or wherefore I knew not, quite a lion!
+
+"Well, sir," said he, "what do you think of it, sir? Could you get the
+outline?"
+
+"Not very well," said I, "but the view is very fine."
+
+"O, yes, sir," said he; "but as soon as you wish to begin, sir, let me
+know, and I'll lock the upper doors when you go up, and you'll not be
+disturbed, sir."
+
+"Lock the doors?" said I, in some amazement.
+
+"Yes, sir," quoth he, "but it would be best to come as early in the
+morning as possible, or, if convenient, before the visitors begin to
+come up; they'd disturb you, you know!"
+
+"Disturb _me!_ Why, I don't know how they would do that?"
+
+"Why, sir, when Mr. Smith--you know Mr. Smith, sir, I suppose?"
+
+"Why, yes; the name strikes me as _somewhat_ familiar; do you refer to
+_John Smith_?" I observed, beginning to participate in the joke, which
+began to develop itself pretty distinctly.
+
+"Yes, sir; I believe his name is John--John R. Smith; he's a splendid
+artist, sir; _his_ sketch or panorama is a beauty! Sir! did you ever see
+his panorama?"
+
+"I think I did, in New York," I replied.
+
+By this time some dozen or two visitors had congregated around us, and I
+was the centre of a considerable circle, and from the whispers, and
+pointing of fingers, I felt duly sensible, that, great or small, I was a
+LION! Under what auspices, I was in too dense a fog to make out; to me
+it was an unaccountable mist'ry.
+
+"I'll tell you what I can do, sir," continued my toady; "I can have a
+small platform erected, outside of the cupola, for you, to place your
+_designs_ or sketches on, and you'll not be so liable to be disturbed.
+Mr. Smith, he had a platform made, sir."
+
+I beckoned the man to step aside, in the Senate Chamber.
+
+"Now, sir," said I, "you will please inform me, who the devil do you
+take me for?"
+
+"Oh, I knew who you were, the moment you came in, sir," said he, with a
+very knowing leer out of his half-squinting eyes.
+
+"Did you? Well then I must certainly give you credit for devilish keen
+perception; but, if it's a fair question," I continued, "what do you
+mean by fixing a platform for my _designs_? You don't think I'm going to
+fly, jump or deliver orations from the cupola, do you?"
+
+"No, I don't; but you're to draw a grand panorama of Boston, ain't you?"
+
+"ME?"
+
+"Yes, you; ain't your name Mr. Banvard?"
+
+"Oh, yes, yes--I understand--you've found me out, but keep dark--mum's
+the word--you understand?" said I, winkingly.
+
+"Yes, sir; I'll fix it all right; you'll want the platform outside, I
+guess."
+
+"Yes; out with it, and _keep dark until I come!_"
+
+I skeeted down them steps into the Common to let off my corked up
+risibilities.--Whether the man actually did prepare a platform for my
+designs, or whether Banvard ever went to take his designs there, I am
+unable to say, as I went South a few days afterward, and did not return
+for some time.
+
+
+
+
+The Exorbitancy of Meanness.
+
+
+Few _extravaganzas_ of man or woman lay such a heavy _stress_ upon the
+pocket-book or purse as meanness. This may seem paradoxical, but it's
+nothing of the kind. How many thousands to save a cent, walk a mile! How
+many to cut down expenses, cut off a thousand of the little "filling
+ins" which go to make us both happy and healthy! Jones refused to let
+his little boy run an errand for Johnson, and when Jones's house was in
+a blaze, Johnson forbid him touching his water to put it out. Smith by
+accident ran his wagon afoul of Peppers's cart, Peppers in revenge "cut
+away" at Smith's horse; horse ran away, broke the wagon, dislocated
+Smith's collar-bone; a suit at law followed, and Peppers being a mighty
+spunky, as well as a powerfully mean man, fought it out four years, and
+finally sunk every cent he had in the world by the slight transaction.
+It is a first-rate idea to be economical, but the man who sees and
+feels, and smells and tastes, entirely through his pocket-book, isn't
+worth cultivating an acquaintance with. Go in, marry money if you can,
+save up some, but don't cultivate meanness, for it never pays.
+
+
+
+
+"Taking Down" a Sheriff.
+
+
+Ex-honorable John Buck, once the "representative" of a _district_ out
+West, a lawyer originally, and finally a gentleman at large, and Jeremy
+Diddler generally, took up his quarters in Philadelphia, years ago, and
+putting himself upon his dignity, he managed for a time, _sans
+l'argent_, to live like a prince. Buck was what the world would call a
+devilish clever fellow; he was something of a scholar, with the
+smattering of a gentleman; good at off-hand dinner table oratory, good
+looking, and what never fails to take down the ladies, he wore hair
+enough about his countenance to establish two Italian grand dukes. Buck
+was "an awful blower," but possessed common-sense enough not to waste
+his _gas_-conade--ergo, he had the merit not to falsify to ye ancient
+falsifiers.
+
+The Honorable Mr. Buck's _manner_ of living not being "seconded" by a
+corresponding manner of _means_, he very frequently ran things in the
+ground, got in debt, head and heels. The Honorable Mr. B. had patronized
+a dealer in Spanish mantles, corduroys and opera vests, to the amount of
+some two hundred dollars; and, very naturally, ye fabricator of said
+cloth appurtenances for ye body, got mad towards the last, and
+threatened "the Western member" with a course of legal sprouts, unless
+he "showed cause," or came up and squared the yards. As Hon. John Buck
+had had frequent invitations to pursue such courses, and not being
+spiritually or personally inclined that way, he let the notice slide.
+
+Shears, the tailor, determined to put the Hon. John through; so he got
+out a writ of the savagest kind--arson, burglary and false
+pretence--and a deputy sheriff was soon on the taps to smoke the Western
+member out of his boots. Upon inquiring at the United States Hotel,
+where the honorable gentleman had been wont to "put up," they found he
+had vacated weeks before and gone to Yohe's Hotel. Thither, the next
+day, the deputy repaired, but old Mother Yohe--rest her soul!--informed
+the officer that the honorable gentleman had stepped out one morning, in
+a hurry like, and forgot to pay a small bill!
+
+John was next traced to the Marshall House, where he had left his mark
+and cleared for Sanderson's, where the indefatigable tailor and his
+terrier of the law, pursued the member, and learned that he had gone to
+Washington!
+
+"Done! by Jeems!" cried Shears.
+
+"Hold on," says the deputy, "hold on; he's not off; merely a dodge to
+get away from this house; we'll find him. Wait!"
+
+Shears did wait, so did the deputy sheriff, until other bills, amounting
+to a good round sum, were lodged at the Sheriff's office, and the very
+Sheriff himself took it in hand to nab the _cidevant_ M. C., and cause
+him to suffer a little for his country and his friends!
+
+Now, it so chanced that Sheriff F., who was a politician of popular
+renown--a good, jolly fellow--knew the Hon. Mr. Buck, having had "the
+pleasure of his acquaintance" some months previous, and having been
+_floored_ in a political argument with the "Western member," was
+inclined to be down upon him.
+
+"I'll snake him, I'll engage," says Sheriff F., as he thrust "the
+documents" into his pocket and proceeded to hunt up the transgressor.
+Accidentally, as it were, who should the Sheriff meet, turning a corner
+into the grand _trottoir_, Chestnut street, but our gallant hero of ye
+ballot-box in the rural districts, once upon a time!
+
+"Ah, ha-a-a! How are ye, Sheriff?" boisterously exclaims the Ex-M. C.,
+as familiarly as you please.
+
+"Ah, ha! Mr. Buck," says the Sheriff, "glad (?) to see you."
+
+"Fine day, Sheriff?"
+
+"Elegant, sir, _prime_," says the Sheriff.
+
+"What do you think of Mr. Jigger's speech on the Clam trade? Did you
+read Mr. Porkapog's speech on the widening of Jenkins's ditch?"
+
+For which general remarks on the affairs of the nation, Sheriff F. _put_
+some corresponding replies, and so they proceeded along until they
+approached a well-known dining saloon, then under the supervision of a
+burly Englishman; and, as it was about the time people dined, and the
+Sheriff being a man that liked a fat dinner and a fine bottle, about as
+well as any body, when the Hon. Mr. Buck proposed--
+
+"What say you, Sheriff, to a dinner and a bottle of old Sherry, at ----?
+We don't often meet (?), so let's sit down and have a quiet talk over
+things."
+
+"Well, Mr. Buck," says the Sheriff, "I would like to, just as soon as
+not, but I've got a disagreeable bit of business with you, and it would
+be hardly friendly to eat your dinner before apprizing you of the fact,
+sir."
+
+"Ah! Sheriff, what is it, pray?" says the somewhat alarmed Diddler;
+"nothing serious, of course?"
+
+"Oh, no, not serious, particularly; only a _writ_, Mr. Buck; a writ,
+that's all."
+
+"For my arrest?"
+
+"Your arrest, sir, on sight," says the Sheriff.
+
+"The deuce! What's the charge!"
+
+"Debt--false pretence--_swindling!_"
+
+"Ha! ha! that is a good one!" says the slight'y cornered Ex-M. C.;
+"well, hang it, Sheriff, don't let business spoil our digestion; come,
+let us dine, and then I'm ready for execution!" says the "Western
+member," with well affected gaiety.
+
+Stepping into a private room, they rang the bell, and a burly waiter
+appeared.
+
+"Now, Mr. F.," says the adroit Ex-M. C., "call for just what you like; I
+leave it to you, sir."
+
+"Roast ducks; what do you say, Buck?"
+
+"Good."
+
+"Oyster sauce and lobster salad?"
+
+"Good," again echoes the Ex-M. C.
+
+"And a--Well, waiter, you bring some of the best side dishes you have,"
+says the Sheriff.
+
+"Yes, sir," says the waiter, disappearing to fill the order.
+
+"What are you going to drink, Sheriff?" asks the honorable gent.
+
+"Oh! ah, yes! Waiter, bring us a bottle of Sherry; you take Sherry,
+Buck?"
+
+"Yes, I'll go Sherry."
+
+The Sherry was brought, and partly discussed by the time the dinner was
+spread.
+
+"They keep the finest Port here you ever tasted," says the Diddler.
+
+"Do they!" he responds; "well, suppose we try it?"
+
+A bottle of old Port was brought, and the two worthies sat back and
+really enjoyed themselves in the saloon of the sumptuously kept
+restaurant; they then drank and smoked, until sated nature cried enough,
+and the Sheriff began to think of business.
+
+"Suppose we top off with a fine bottle of English ale, Sheriff!"
+
+"Well, be it so; and then, Buck, we'll have to proceed to the office."
+
+"Waiter, bring me a couple of bottles of your English ale," says the
+Hon. Mr. Buck.
+
+"Yes, sir."
+
+"And I'll see to the bill, Sheriff, while the waiter brings the ale,"
+said the Ex-M. C., leaving the room "for a moment," to speak to the
+landlord.
+
+"Landlord," says the Diddler, "do you know that gentleman with whom I've
+dined in 15?"
+
+"No, I don't," says the landlord.
+
+"Well," continues Diddler, "I've no _particular_ acquaintance with him;
+he invited me here to dine; I suppose he intends to pay for what he
+ordered, but (whispering) _you had better get your money before he gets
+out of that room!_"
+
+"Oh! oh! coming that are dodge, eh? I'll show him!" said the burly
+landlord, making tracks for the room, from which the Sheriff was now
+emerging, to look after his prisoner.
+
+"There's for the ale," says the Diddler, placing half a dollar in the
+waiter's hand; "I ordered that, and there's for it." So saying, he
+vamosed.
+
+"Say, but look here, Buck, I say, hold on; I've got a writ, and--"
+
+"Hang the writ! Pay your bill like a gentleman, and come along!"
+exclaimed the Ex-M. C., making himself _scarce!_
+
+It was in vain that the Sheriff stated his "authority," and innocence in
+the pecuniary affairs of the dinner, for the waiter swore roundly that
+the other gentleman had paid for all he ordered, and the landlord, who
+could not be convinced to the contrary, swore that the idea was to gouge
+him, which couldn't be done, and before the Sheriff got off, he had his
+wallet depleted of five dollars; and he not only lost his prisoner, but
+lost his temper, at the trick played upon him by the Hon. Jeremy
+Diddler.
+
+
+
+
+Governor Mifflin's First Coal Fire.
+
+
+It is truly astonishing, that the inexhaustible beds--mines of
+anthracite coal, lying along the Schuylkill river and ridges, valleys
+and mountains, from old Berks county to the mountains of Shamokin, were
+not found out and applied to domestic uses, fully fifty years before
+they were! Coal has been exhumed from the earth, and burned in forges
+and grates in Europe, from time immemorial, we think, yet we distinctly
+remember when a few canal boats only were engaged in transporting from
+the few mines that were open and worked along the Schuylkill--the
+comparatively few tons of anthracite coal consumed in Philadelphia, not
+sent away. As far back as 1820, we believe, there was but little if any
+coal shipped to Philadelphia, from the Schuylkill mines at all.
+
+Our venerable friend, the still vivacious and clear-headed Col. Davis,
+of Delaware, gave us, a few years ago, a rather amusing account of the
+first successful attempt of a very distinguished old gentleman, Gov.
+Mifflin, to ignite a pile of stone coal. The date of the transaction,
+more's the pity, has escaped us, but the facts of the case are something
+after this fashion.
+
+Gov. Mifflin, of Pennsylvania, lived and owned a fine estate in Mifflin
+county, and in which county was discovered from time to time, any
+quantity of black rock, as the farmers commonly called the then unknown
+anthracite. Of course, the old governor knew something about stone coal,
+and had a slight inkling of its character. At hours of leisure, the
+governor was in the habit of experimenting upon the black rocks by
+subjecting them to wood fire upon his hearths; but the hard, almost
+flint-like anthracite of that region resisted, with most obdurate
+pertinacity, the oft-repeated attempts of the governor to set it on
+fire. It finally became a joke among the neighboring Pennsylvania Dutch
+farmers, and others of the vicinity, that Gov. Mifflin was studying out
+a theory to set his hills and fields on fire, and burn out the obnoxious
+black rock and boulders. But, despite the jibes and jokes of his
+dogmatical friends, the old governor stuck to his experiments, and the
+result produced, as most generally it does through perseverance and
+practice, a new and useful fact, or principle.
+
+One cold and wintry day, Gov. Mifflin was cosily perched up in his
+easy-chair, before the great roaring, blazing hickory fire, overhauling
+ponderous state documents, and deeply engrossed in the affairs of the
+people, when his eye caught the outline of a big black rock boulder upon
+the mantle-piece before him--it was a beautiful specimen of variegated
+anthracite, with all the hues of the rainbow beaming from its lacquered
+angles. The governor thought "a heap" of this specimen of the black
+rock, but dropping all the documents and State papers pell-mell upon the
+floor, he seized the piece of anthracite, and placing it carefully upon
+the blazing cross-sticks of the fire, in the most absorbed manner
+watched the operation. To his great delight the black rock was soon red
+hot--he called for his servant man, a sable son of Africa, or some down
+South Congo--
+
+"Isaac."
+
+"Yes, sah, I'se heah, sah."
+
+"Isaac, run out to the carriage-house, and get a piece of that black
+rock."
+
+"Yes, sah, I'se gone."
+
+In a twinkling the negro had obtained a huge lump of the anthracite, and
+handing it over to the governor, it was placed in a favorable position
+alongside of the first lump, and the governor's eyes fairly danced
+polkas as he witnessed the fact of the two pieces of black rock
+assuming a red hot complexion.
+
+"Isaac!" again exclaimed the governor.
+
+"Yes, sah."
+
+"Run out--get another lump."
+
+"Yes, sah."
+
+A third lump was added to the fire; the company in the governor's
+private parlor was augmented by the appearance of the governor's lady
+and other portions of the family, who, seeing Isaac lugging in the
+rocks, came to the conclusion that the governor was going "clean crazy"
+over his experiments. It was in vain Mrs. Mifflin and the daughters
+tried to suspend the functions of the "chief magistrate," over the
+roaring fire.
+
+"Go away, women; what do you know about mineralogy, igniting anthracite?
+Go way; close the doors; I've got the rocks on fire--I'll make them
+laugh t'other side of their mouths, at my black rock fires!"
+
+In the midst of the excitement, as the governor was perspiring and
+exulting over his fiery operation, a carriage drove up, and two
+gentlemen alighted, and desired an immediate audience with Gov. Mifflin;
+but so deeply engaged was the governor, that he refused the strangers an
+audience, and while directing Isaac to tell the strangers that they must
+"come to-morrow," and while he continued to pile on more black rocks,
+brought in by Isaac, in rushed the strangers.
+
+"Good day, governor; you must excuse us, but our business admits of no
+delay."
+
+"Can't help it, can't help you--see how it blazes, see how it burns!"
+cried the abstracted or mentally and physically absorbed governor.
+
+"But, governor, the man may be hanged, if--"
+
+"Let him be hanged--hurra! See how it burns; call in the neighbors; let
+them see my black rock fire. I knew I'd surprise them!"
+
+"But, governor, will you please delay this--"
+
+"Delay? No, not for the President of the United States. I've been trying
+this experiment for eight years. I've now succeeded--see, see how it
+burns! Run, Isaac, over to Dr. ----'s, tell him to come, stop in at Mr.
+S----'s, tell Mr. H---- to come, come everybody--I've got the black
+rocks in a blaze!" And clapping on his hat, out ran the governor through
+the storm, down to the village, like a madman, leaving the strangers and
+part of his household as spectators of his fiery experiments. Just as
+the governor cleared his own door, a pedler wagon "drove up," and the
+pedler, seeing the governor starting out in such double quick time,
+hailed him.
+
+"Hel-lo! Sa-a-a-y, yeou heold on--_yeou the guv'ner_?"
+
+"Clear out!" roared the chief magistrate.
+
+"Shain't deu nothin' of the sort, no how!" says the pedler, dismounting
+from his wagon, and making his appearance at the front door, where he
+encountered the two rather astonished strangers--legal gentlemen of some
+eminence, from Harrisburg, with a petition for the respite of execution.
+
+"Halloo! which o' yeou be the guv'ner?" says the pedler.
+
+"Neither of us," replied the gentlemen; "that was the governor you spoke
+to as you drove up."
+
+"Yeou dun't say so! Wall, he was pesky mad about som'-thin'. What on
+airth ails the ole feller?"
+
+"Can't say," was the response; "but here he comes again."
+
+"Now, now come in, come in and see for yourselves," cried the excited
+Governor of the great Key Stone State; "there's a roaring fire of
+burning, blazing, black rock, anthracite coal!"
+
+But, alas! the cross sticks having given away in the interim, and the
+coal being thrown down upon the ashes and stone hearth,--_was all out!_
+
+"Wall," says our migratory Yankee, who followed the crowd into the
+house, "I guess I know what yeou be at, guv'ner, but I'll tell yeou
+naow, yeou can't begin to keep that darn'd hard stuff burning, 'less
+yeou fix it up in a grate, like, gin it air, and an almighty draught;
+yeou see, guv'ner, I've been making experiments a darn'd long while with
+it!"
+
+The laugh of the governor's friends subsided as the pedler went into a
+practical theory on burning stone coal; the _respite_ was
+signed--hospitalities of the mansion extended to all present, and in
+course of a few days, our Yankee and the governor rigged up a grate, and
+soon settled the question--will our black rocks burn?
+
+
+
+
+Sure Cure.
+
+
+Travel is a good invention to cure the blues and condense worldly
+effects. When Cutaway went to California, "I carried," said he, "a pile
+of despondency, and more baggage, boots, and boxes, than would fit out a
+caravan. After an absence of just fourteen calendar months, I started
+homewards, and was so boiling over with hope and fond anticipation, that
+I could hardly keep in my old boots! And all the _dunnage_ I had left,
+wouldn't fill a pocket-handkerchief, or sell to a paper-maker for four
+cents!"
+
+Cutaway recommends seeing the _worldy_ elephant, high, for settling
+one's mind, and scattering goods, gold, and chattels.
+
+
+
+
+Chasing a Fugitive Subscriber.
+
+
+Printers, from time immemorial--back possibly to the days of Faust--have
+suffered martyrdom, more or less, at the hands of the people who didn't
+pay! Many of the long-established newspaper concerns can show a "black
+list" as long as the militia law, and an unpaid _cash account_ bulky
+enough to take Cuba! Country publishers suffer in this way intensely.
+About one half of the "subscribers" to the _Clarion of Freedom_, or the
+_Universal Democrat_, or the _Whig Shot Tower_, seem to labor under the
+Utopian notion that printers were made to mourn over unpaid subscription
+lists; or that they "got up" papers for their own peculiar amusement,
+and carried them or sent them to the doors of the public for mere
+pastime! Every publisher, of about every paper we ever examined, about
+this time of year, has told his own story--requested his subscribers to
+come forward--pay over--help to keep the mill going--creditors
+easy--fire in the stove--meal in the barrel--children in bread, butter
+and shoes--Sheriff at bay, and other tragical affairs connected with the
+operations attendant upon unsettled cash accounts! But, how many heed
+such "notices?" Paying subscribers do not read them--such applications
+do not apply to them--_they_ regret to see them in the paper, and, like
+honest, common-sensed people, don't probe or meddle with other people's
+shortcomings. The delinquent subscriber don't read such _calls_ upon his
+humanity--they are distasteful to him; he may squint and grin over the
+_notice_ to pay up, and chuckles to himself--"Ah, umph! dun away, old
+feller; I ain't one o' that kind that sends money by mail; it might be
+lost, and the man that duns _me_ for two or three dollars' worth of
+newspapers, _may get it if he knows how_."
+
+Well, the good time has _come_. Printers now may wait no longer; the
+jig's up--they have found out a _way_ to get their money just as easy as
+other laborers in the fields of science, art, mechanism, law, physic and
+religion, get theirs. Let the printer cry _Eureka_.
+
+Doctor Pendleton St. Clair Smith, a patron of the fine arts, best
+tailors, barbers, boot blacks, and the newspaper press, was a tooth
+operator of some skill and great pretension. He lived and moved in
+modern style, and though no man could be more desirous of indulging in
+"short credit," no man believed or acted more readily upon the
+principle--
+
+ ----"base is the slave that _pays_."
+
+Dr. P. St. C. Smith "slipped up" one day, leaving the _well done_
+community of Boston and the environs, for fields more congenial to his
+peculiar talents. He _stuck_ the printer, of course. His numerous
+subscription accounts to the various local news and literary journals,
+in the aggregate amounted to quite considerable; and the printers didn't
+begin to like it! Now, it takes a Yankee to head off a Yankee, and about
+this time a live, double-grand-action Yankee, named Peabody, possibly,
+happened in at one of the offices, where two brother publishers were
+"making a few remarks" over delinquent subscribers, and especially were
+they wrought up against and giving jessy to Dr. Pendleton St. Clair
+Smith!
+
+"How much does the feller owe you?" quoth Peabody.
+
+"Owe? More than he'll ever pay during the present generation."
+
+"Perhaps not," says Peabody; "now if you'll just give me the full
+particulars of the man, his manners and customs, name and size, and
+sell me your accounts, at a low notch, I'll buy 'em; I'll collect 'em,
+too, if the feller's alive, out of jail, and any where around between
+sunrise and sunset!"
+
+The publishers laughed at the idea, sensibly, but finding that Peabody
+was up for a trade, they traced out the accounts, &c., and for a five
+dollar bill, Mr. Peabody was put in possession of an account of some
+twenty odd dollars and cents against Dr. P. St. C. Smith.
+
+Now Peabody had, some time previous to this transaction, established a
+peculiar kind of Telegraph, a human galvanic battery, or endless chain
+of them, extending all over the country, for collecting bad debts, and
+_shocking_ fugitives, or stubborn creditors! By a continuation of
+faculties, causes and effects--shrewdness and forethought peculiar to a
+man capable of seeing considerably deep into millstones--Peabody
+couldn't be _dodged_. If he ever got his _feelers_ on to a subject, the
+_equivalent_ was bound to be turning up! It struck him that the
+collection of newspaper bills afforded him a great field for working his
+Telegraph, and he hasn't been mistaken.
+
+The scene now changes; early one morning in the pleasant month of June,
+as the poet might say, Dr. Pendleton St. Clair Smith was to be seen
+before his toilet glass in the flourishing city of Syracuse,--giving the
+finishing stroke to his highly-cultivated beard. The satisfaction with
+which he made this demonstration, evinced the sereneness of his mind and
+the _confidence_ with which he rested, in regard to his newspaper 'bills
+in Boston. But a _tap_ is heard at his door, and at his invitation the
+servant comes in, announces a gentleman in the parlor, desirous of
+speaking to Dr. Smith. The Doctor waits upon the visitor--
+
+"Dr. Pendleton St. Clair Smith, I presume?"
+
+"Ye-e-s," slowly and suspiciously responded that individual.
+
+"I am collector, sir," continued the stranger, "for the firm of
+Peabody, Grab, Catchem, and Co., Boston. I have a small (!) bill against
+you, sir, to collect."
+
+"What for?" eagerly quoth the Doctor.
+
+"Newspaper subscriptions and advertising, sir!"
+
+"I a--I a, you a--well, you call in this evening," says the Doctor,
+tremulously fumbling in his pockets--"I'll settle with you; good
+morning."
+
+"Good morning, sir," says the collector,--"I'll call."
+
+That afternoon, Dr. Pendleton St. Clair Smith vamosed! He had barely got
+located in Syracuse, before they had traced him; if he paid the printer,
+a cloud of other debts would follow, and so he up stakes and made a
+fresh _dive!_
+
+"Now," says Dr. P. St. C. Smith, as he dumped himself and baggage down
+in the beautiful city of Chicago, "Now I'll be out of the range of the
+duns; they won't get sight or hearing of me, for a while, I'll bet a
+hat!"
+
+But, alas! for the delusion; the very next morning, a very suspicious,
+hatchet-faced individual, made himself known as the deputed collector of
+certain newspaper accounts, forwarded from Boston, by Peabody, Grab,
+Catchem, & Co. The Dr. uttered a very severe _anathema_; he looked quite
+streaked, he faltered; he then desired the collector to call in course
+of the day, and the bill would be attended to. The collector hoped it
+would be attended to, and left; so did Dr. P. St. C. Smith _in the next
+mail line_.
+
+About one month after the affair in Chicago, Dr. P. St. C. Smith was
+seen strutting around in Charters st., New Orleans, confident in his
+security, smiling in the brightness of the scenes around him; he had
+just negotiated for an office, had already concocted his advertisements,
+and subscribed for the papers, when lo! the same due bill from Boston
+appeared to him, in the hand of an _agent_ of Peabody, Grab, Catchem &
+Co. The Dr. was almost tempted to pay the bill! But, then, perhaps the
+_agent_ had a hat full of others--from the same place--for larger
+amounts! The next day the Doctor _put_ for Texas! planting himself in
+the pleasant town of Bexar, and cursing duns from the bottom of his
+heart--he determined to keep clear of them, even if he had to bury
+himself away out here in Texas. But what was his horror to find, the
+first week of his hanging up in Bexar, that an agent of the firm of
+Peabody, Grab, Catchem & Co., _was there!_ The Doctor _stepped_ to
+Galveston; on the way he accidentally _met_ a travelling agent of
+Peabody, Grab, Catchem & Co. The Doctor took the _Sabine_ slide for
+Tampico; there he found the "black vomit." He up and off again, for
+Mobile; his nervous system was much worked up and his pocket-book sadly
+depleted! There were two alternatives--change his name, size and
+profession, and live in a swamp; _or settle with the firm of Peabody,
+Grab, Catchem & Co_. Dr. Pendleton St. Clair Smith chose the latter; he
+sought and soon found in Mobile, a veritable _agent_, duly authorized to
+receive and forward funds for Peabody, Grab, Catchem & Co., and hunt up
+and down--fugitives from the printer! The Doctor paid up--felt better,
+and learned the moral fact that delinquent subscribers are no longer to
+be the printers' ghosts.
+
+
+
+
+Ambition.
+
+
+A person never thinks so meanly of ambition as when walking through a
+grave-yard.--To see men who have filled the world with their glory for
+half a century or more, reduced to a six foot mudhole, gives pride a
+shock which requires a long stay in a city to counteract.--The gentlemen
+who are now "spoken of for the Presidency," will in less than a century,
+have their bones carted away to make room for a street sewer. Queer
+creature that man--well, he is.
+
+
+
+
+Way the Women Fixed the Tale-Bearer.
+
+
+"I dunno where I heer'd it, but I know it's true. I expected it long
+ago. I told Jones it'd come out so."
+
+"Why, Uncle Josh, you don't pretend to say that Miller's wife has run
+off with Bob Tape, Yardstick's clark, do you?"
+
+"Yes, I do, too; hain't it been the talk of the neighborhood for a year
+past, that Miller's wife and that feller--Bob Tape, were a leetle too
+thick?"
+
+"Well, Uncle Josh," says his neighbor Brown, "I don't recollect anybody
+saying anything about it, but you, and for my part, I don't believe a
+word of it."
+
+"Why, hain't Miller's wife gone?" says Uncle Josh.
+
+"I don't know--is she?" says Brown.
+
+"Be sure she is; I went over to the store this morning, the fust thing,
+to see if Bob Tape was about--he wasn't there--they said he'd gone to
+Boston on business for old Yardstick. O, ho! says I, and then I started
+for Heeltap's shop; we had allers said how things would turn out. He was
+out, but seein' me go to his shop, he came a runnin', and says he:
+
+"'Uncle Josh, theer gone, sure enough!--I've been over to old Mammy
+Gabbles, and she sent her Suke over to Miller's, on purtence of
+borrowin' some lard, but told Suke to look around and see ef Miller's
+wife wur about; by Nebbyknezer, Miller's wife wur gone! Marm Gabbles
+couldn't rest, so she sent back Suke, and told her to ax the children
+whare their marm wus; Miller hearing Suke, ordered her to scoot, so Suke
+left without hearing the facts in the case, as 'Squire Black says.'
+
+"But Heeltap swears, and I know Miller's wife and Bob Tape have
+_sloped_, as they say in the papers."
+
+"Well," says Brown, "I'm sorry if it's true--I don't believe a word of
+it tho', and as it's none of my business, I shall have nothing to say
+about it."
+
+Uncle Josh was one of those inordinate pests which almost every village,
+town and hamlet in the country is more or less accursed with. He was a
+great, tall, bony, sharp-nosed, grinning _genius_, who, being in
+possession of a small farm, with plenty of boys and girls to work it,
+did not do anything but eat, sleep and lounge around; a gatherer of
+_scan, mag_., a news and scandal-monger, a great guesser, and a stronger
+suspicioner, of everybody's motives and intentions, and, of course,
+never imputed a good motive or movement to anybody.
+
+You've seen those wretches, male and female, haven't you, reader? Such
+people are great nuisances--half the discomforts of life are bred by
+them; they contaminate and poison the air they breathe, with their
+noisome breath, like the odor of the Upas tree.
+
+Uncle Josh had annoyed many--he was the dread and disgust of
+seven-eighths of the town he lived in. He had caused more quarrels,
+smutted more characters, and created more ill-feeling between friends,
+neighbors and acquaintances, than all else beside in the community of
+Frogtown. Uncle Josh was voted a great bore by the men, and a sneaking,
+meddling old granny by the women. So, at last, the young women of the
+town did agree, that the very next time Uncle Josh carried, concocted,
+or circulated any slanderous or otherwise mischievous stories, _they
+would duck him in the mill-race_.
+
+Now, Brown--old Mister Brown--was the very antipode of Uncle Josh; he
+was for always taking matters and things by the smoothest handle. Mister
+Brown never told tales, backbited or slandered anybody; everybody had a
+good word to say about Mister Brown, and Mister Brown had a good word to
+say about everybody. The gals thought it prudent to give old Mister
+Brown an inkling of their plans in regard to the disposition they
+intended to make of Uncle Josh; the old man laughed, and told them to go
+ahead, and to duck old Josh, and perhaps they would reform him.
+
+"Now, gals," says old Mister Brown, "Uncle Josh has just this very day
+been at his dirty work; by this time he has spread the news all over the
+town, that Miller's wife has gone off with Yardstick's clark. I don't
+believe a word of his tale, and if Miller's wife ain't really gone off,
+Uncle Josh ought to be soused in the mill-race."
+
+Next morning Miller's wife came home; she had been down to her sister's,
+a few miles off, to see a sick child; her husband had been away at a
+law-suit, in a neighboring town, and so Miller nor his wife knew nothing
+of the report of her elopement with Bob Tape, until their return.
+
+Miller was in a rage, but couldn't find out the author of the report.
+Miller's wife was deeply mortified that such a suspicion should arise of
+her; she had been making Bob Tape some new clothes to go to Boston in,
+and here was the gist of Bob and Miller's wife's intimacy! There was a
+great time about it--Miller swore like a trooper, and his wife nearly
+cried her eyes out.
+
+A few evenings afterwards, it being cool, clear weather in October,
+Polly Higgins and Sally Smith called in to see Miller's wife, and asked
+her to join them in a little party that some of the neighboring women
+had got up that evening, for a particular purpose. Miller's wife not
+having much to do that evening, her husband said she might go out a
+spell if she chose, and she went, and soon learned the purport of the
+call--old Uncle Josh was to be ducked in the mill-race! and Miller's
+wife, disguised as the rest, was to help do it. When she heard that old
+Josh had circulated the report of her elopement, Miller's wife did not
+require much coaxing to join the watering committee.
+
+It was so planned that all the women, some ten or twelve in number, were
+to put on men's clothes and lay in wait for Uncle Josh at his lane gate,
+about a quarter of a mile from the mill-race. Old Josh always hung
+around the tavern, Heeltap's shoe-shop, or the grocery, until 9 P. M.,
+before he started for home, and the girls determined to rush out of a
+small thicket that stood close by old Josh's lane gate, and throwing a
+large, stout sheet over him, wind him up, and then seizing him head,
+neck and heels, hurry him off to the mill-race, and duck him well.
+
+Mind you, your country gals and women are not paint and powder,
+corset-laced and fragile creatures, like your delicate, more ornamental
+than useful young ladies of the city; no, no, the gals of Frogtown were
+real flesh and blood; Venuses and Dianas of solidity and substance; and
+it would have taken several better men than Uncle Josh to have got away
+from them. It was a cool, moon-shiny night, but to better favor the
+women, just as old Josh got near his gate, a large, black cloud obscured
+the moon, and all was as dark as a stack of black cats in a coal cellar.
+Miller's wife acted as captain; dressed in Bob Tape's old clothes he had
+left at her house to be repaired, she gave the word, and out they
+rushed.
+
+"Seize him, boys!" said she, in a very loud whisper. Over went the
+sheet, down came old Josh, co-blim! Before he could say "lor' a massy,"
+he was dragged to the mill-race, tied hand and foot, blindfolded, his
+coat taken off, and he was _ca-soused_ into the cold water! Fury! how
+the old fellow begged for his life!
+
+"O, lor' a massy, don't drown me boys! I--a, I--" _ca-souse_ he went
+again.
+
+"Give him another duck," says one--and in he'd go again.
+
+"Now, we'll learn you to carry tales," says another.
+
+"And tell lies on me and Miller's wife," says Bob Tape--ca-souse he
+went.
+
+"O, lor' a mas--mas--e, do--do--don't drown me, Bob; I'll--I'll promise
+never to--" in they put him again; the water was as cold as ice.
+
+"Will you promise never to take or carry a story again?"
+
+"I d--d--d--_do_ promise, if--yo--yo--yo--you--don't--duc--" and in he
+went again.
+
+"Do you promise to mind your own business and let others alone, Uncle
+Josh?"
+
+"Ye--ye--yes, I d--_do_, I--I--I'll promise anything--bo--boys, only let
+me go," says Uncle Josh.
+
+"Well, boys," says Polly Higgins, rousing, jolly critter she was, too,
+"I owe Uncle Josh one more dip: he lied about my gal, Polly Higgins,
+and--"
+
+"O, ho, Seth Jones, that's you, ain't it?--Well--we--well, I said
+nothing about Polly; it was Heeltap said it, 'deed it was."
+
+Then they let old Josh off, vowing they'd give Heeltap his gruel next
+night, and the moment Josh got clear of his sousers, he cut for home.
+Next day Heeltap cleared himself.--Uncle Josh soon found out that he had
+been ducked by the women, and, for his own peace, moved to Iowa, and
+Frogtown has been a happy place ever since.
+
+
+
+
+Penalty of Kissing your own Wife.
+
+
+Cato, when Censor of Rome, expelled from the Senate Manilius, whom the
+general opinion had marked out for counsellor, because he had given his
+wife a kiss in the day time, in the sight of his daughter. And this
+reminds us of a local story told us by one of the "oldest inhabitants"
+of the city, that occurred once upon a time in this harbor. Before the
+Revolutionary war, one of the King's ships was stationed here, and
+occasionally cruised down to the south'ard. It so chanced that after a
+long absence the cruiser arrived in the harbor on Sunday, and as the
+naval captain had left his wife in Boston, the moment she heard of his
+arrival she hastened down to the water side in order to receive him. The
+worthy old sea captain, on landing, embraced his lady with tenderness
+and true affection. This, as there were many spectators by, gave great
+offence to the puritanical landsmen, and was considered as an act of
+indecency and a flagrant profanation of the Sabbath. The next day,
+therefore, the captain was summoned before the magistrates and
+selectmen, who, with many severe rebukes and pious exhortations, ordered
+him to be publicly whipped!
+
+The old captain stifled his indignation and resentment as much as
+possible; and as the punishment, from the frequency of it, was not
+attended with any degree of disgrace, he mixed as usual with the best of
+company, and even with the selectmen he soon ceased to be else than
+familiar as ever.
+
+At length the vessel was ordered home, to England, and the captain,
+therefore, with seeming concern to take leave of his worthy friends,
+and that they might spend a more happy and convivial day together before
+their final separation, invited the principal magistrates and selectmen
+to dine with him the day of his departure, on board his ship. They
+readily accepted the invitation, and nothing could be more glorious than
+the entertainment that was given.
+
+At length the solemn moment arrived that was to part them--the anchor
+was apeak, the sails unfurled, and nothing was wanted but the signal to
+get under way. The captain, after taking an affectionate and formal
+leave of his worthy municipal friends, accompanied them upon deck where
+the boatswain and crew were ready to receive them. He here thanked them
+afresh for the civilities they had shown him, of which the captain
+assured them he should bear a kind remembrance.
+
+"One point of civility, only," he continued, "gentlemen, remains to be
+adjusted between us, and as it is in my power to settle it, I shall be
+most happy to do so. You infernal old rogues you, you whipped me for
+evincing a due regard and love for my wife, and now, lest you perpetrate
+the outrage again 'gainst all law and reason, I'll give you a lesson
+that will last your lifetime. Boatswain, strip each of these rogues to
+the waist, lash them fast and put on your cat-o'-nine tails forty
+stripes each!"
+
+The boatswain, mid the laugh and acclamation of the whole crew, went to
+the work with a hearty good will, and after giving the magistrates and
+selectmen a fine dressing all around, he cut them loose, put them in
+their boat, and the ship set sail down the harbor and soon disappeared
+in the dim dist cut ocean.
+
+
+
+
+Mysteries and Miseries of Housekeeping.
+
+
+People of experience tell awful stories about the miseries of boarding,
+and boarding-houses, and it is very clearly palpable to us that keepers
+of boarding-houses could a tale unfold of their own miseries, equal, if
+not double that of the luckless creatures who board. That housekeeping
+has its joys it would be vain to deny, but we need no ghost come from
+the grave to inform us that the secrets of the kitchen are as numerous
+and as harrowing, as all can attest that ever had occasion to keep house
+or hire a "Betty."
+
+When Mr. Peter Perriwinkle got married, he exclaimed against hotels, and
+abominated boarding-houses; quitting both species of human habitations,
+he "up" and rented a house, and to hear his glowing description of the
+house--such a cosy little three-storied brick house, on a street too
+broad for the neighbors opposite to see into his front parlors, and no
+houses in the rear from which the prying eye of the curious and idle
+could spy into back kitchen closets or dinner pots--in brief,
+Perriwinkle went on with that strain of domestic eloquence, peculiar to
+new beginners in the arts and mysteries of housekeeping, and after a
+general detail of the quiet comfort and unalloyed happiness he and Mrs.
+P. were bound to enjoy for the balance of their lives, we merely
+observed--
+
+"Ah, my dear sir, you've but the ephemeral bright side of your vision
+yet. But no matter, dear Pete, as the man said of the sausages--hope for
+the best, but be prepared for the worst."
+
+"But, brother Jack, I've no reason to look for any thing but a good
+time. Haven't I married one of the best women in the world? I'm too
+experienced in life, my boy, to call any female women angels, doves, or
+sugar plums, you know, but my wife is a real woman!"
+
+"Yes, Pete, she is all that," said we.
+
+"Well, ain't I square with the world? Enough laid up for a wet
+day--don't care twopence ha'penny for politics, or soldier
+fol-de-rols--who wins or who loses in such hums?"
+
+"Granted, old fellow."
+
+"I tell you I've a perfect little paradise of a house engaged, furnished
+and provisioned for a twelvemonth."
+
+"No doubt of all that."
+
+"As to friends and acquaintances, I have plenty, and of the right
+stripe, too; I'd swear to that without any reluctance."
+
+"I hope, Peter, you have."
+
+"Then what in faith do you imagine I have in embryo to upset or disturb
+the even tenor of my way, old boy? Come, answer that."
+
+"Does your domestic apparatus work well?"
+
+"I haven't tried it yet."
+
+"Are your appurtenances--your household appointments--from kitchen to
+parlor, from coal cellar to top scuttle, all they are cracked up to be?"
+
+"Well, you see, the fact is, I can't tell that, yet."
+
+"Do your chimneys draw? Does your range or cooking stove do things up
+brown? Have you got your Bettys?"
+
+"I vow you've sort of got me this time, brother Jack; but I'll find out,
+soon, and let you know."
+
+"Do, if you please, Peter, and let us hear an account of how things are
+working after the first quarter's experience."
+
+Perriwinkle opened with a neat supper party. We attended, and every
+thing looked cap-a-pie; new, tasteful and happy as any thing human
+under God's providence and the art and judgment of man could promise. At
+midnight the company dispersed, all wishing the Perriwinkles life, love,
+and lots of the small fry.
+
+Months passed, full three; we met our old and familiar friend, Peter
+Perriwinkle, and as we had not seen him for some time, we met with
+greetings most cordial.
+
+"How is every thing, old boy--paradise regained?"
+
+"Ah," said Peter, with an ominous shake of the head, "dear Jack,--we've
+a great deal to learn in this world, and as our old friend Sam Veller
+says, whether its worth while to pay so much to learn so little, at
+cost--is a question."
+
+"You begin to think so, eh?"
+
+"Things don't work quite so smooth as I expected--I've moved!"
+
+"What? Not so soon?"
+
+"Yes, sir," said Perriwinkle; "that house was a nuisance!"
+
+"A nuisance? Why, I thought you were in raptures with it?"
+
+"Had water every wet spell, knee-deep in the cellar; full of rats, bugs,
+and foul air."
+
+"You don't say so?"
+
+"Yes, I do," said Perriwinkle, mournfully. "Chimneys smoked, paper
+peeled off the walls, Mrs. P. got the rheumatics, a turner worked all
+night, next door, the fellow that had previously lived or stayed in the
+house, ran off, leaving all his bills unpaid, and our door bell was
+incessantly kept ringing by ugly and impudent duns, and the creditors of
+the rascal, whom I did not know from a side of sole leather. I lived
+there in purgatory!"
+
+"Too bad," said we. "Well, you've moved, eh?"
+
+"Moved--and such an infernal job as it was. You know the two vases I
+received as a present from my brother, at Leghorn; I wouldn't have taken
+$100 each, for them--"
+
+"They are worth it; more too."
+
+"The carman dropped one out of his hands, broke it into a half bushel of
+flinders, and I hit the centre table upon which the other stood, with a
+chair, and broke it into forty pieces. But, that wasn't any thing, sir.
+My wife packed up the elegant set of china presented her by her sister,
+in a large clothes basket, and set it out in the hall, and while our
+Irish girl and the carman were carrying out a heavy trunk, the girl lost
+her balance and fell bump into the basket. She weighed over two hundred
+pounds--every article of the china was crushed into powder!"
+
+"This was too bad," said we, condolingly.
+
+"Our carpets were torn in getting them up, for I had them put down fast
+and tight, never supposing they'd come up until thread-bare and out of
+fashion; they were stained and daubed. The veneering of the piano and
+other furniture is scratched and torn; a hundred small matters are
+mutilated. Franklin thought a few moves was as bad as a fire; one move
+convinces me that the old man was right. But, my dear fellow, I won't
+bore you with my miseries. We are now moved, and look comfortable again.
+Call and see us, do. Good bye."
+
+About a fortnight after meeting Perriwinkle, one evening we went up town
+to see him and his lady. Mrs. P., before marriage, was an uncommon
+even-tempered and most amiable woman. She had now been married about six
+months. Upon entering the parlor we found Mrs. P. laboring under much
+"excitement," and poor Peter--he was doing his best to pacify and soothe
+her--
+
+"Halloo! what's the trouble?"--we were familiar enough to ask the
+question--as they were alone, without intruding.
+
+"Take a seat, John," said Perriwinkle. "Mrs. P. and the cook have had a
+misunderstanding. A little muss, that's all."
+
+"Mr. Humphries," responded the irritated wife, "you don't know how one's
+temper and good nature are put out, sir, by housekeeping; by the
+impudence, awkwardness, and wasteful habits of servants, sir."
+
+"Oh! yes, we do, Mrs. P.; we've had our experience," we replied.
+
+"Well, sir," she continued, "I have suffered so in ordering, directing,
+and watching these women and girls--had my feelings so outraged by them,
+time and again, since we began housekeeping, that I vow I am out of all
+manner of patience and charity for them. We have had occasion to change
+our help so often, that I finally concluded to submit to the awkwardness
+that cost us sets of china, dozens of glasses, stained carpets, soiled
+paints, smeared walls, rugs upon the top of the piano, and the piano
+cloths put down for rugs; Mr. P.'s best linen used for mops, and
+puddings boiled in night-caps. But, sir, when this evening I found the
+dough-tray filled with the chambermaid's old clothes, she wiping the
+lamps with our linen napkins, and the cook washing out her stockings in
+the dinner pot--I gave way to my angry passions, and cried with
+vexation!"
+
+And she really did cry, for female blood of Mrs. P.'s pilgrim stock,
+couldn't stand that, nohow.
+
+P. S.--Perriwinkle and lady sold off, and took rooms at the Tremont
+House, in order to preserve their morals and money.
+
+
+
+
+Miseries of a Dandy.
+
+
+That poverty is at times very unhandy--yea, humiliating, we can bear
+witness; but that any persons should make their poverty an everlasting
+subject of shame and annoyance to themselves, is the most contemptible
+nonsense we know of. During our junior days, while officiating as "shop
+boy," behind a counter in a southern city, we used to derive some fun
+from the man[oe]uvres of a dandy-jack of a fellow in the same
+establishment. He was of the bullet-headed, pimpled and stubby-haired
+_genus_, but dressed up to the _nines_; and had as much pride as two
+half-Spanish counts or a peacock in a barnyard.
+
+Charley was mostly engaged in the ware rooms, laboratory, etc., up
+stairs. He would arrive about 7 A. M., arrayed in the costume of _the
+latest style_, as he flaunted down Chestnut Street--by the way, it was a
+long, idle tramp, out of his road to do so,--his hair all frizzled up,
+hat shining and bright as a May morn, his dickey so stiff he could
+hardly expectorate over his _goatee_, while his "stunnin'" scarf and
+dashing pin stuck out to the admiration of Charley's extensive eyes, and
+the astonishment of half the clerks and all the shop boys along the line
+of our Beau Brummell's promenade!
+
+It was very natural to conceive that Charley was impressed with the
+idea, that he was the envy of half the men, and the _beau_ ideal of all
+the women he met! But your real dandy is no particular lover of women;
+he very naturally so loves himself that he lavishes all his fond
+affection upon his own person. So it was with our _beau_--he wouldn't
+have risked dirtying his hands, soiling his "patent leathers," or
+disarranging his scarf the thirteenth of an inch, to save a lady from a
+mad bull, or being run down by a wheelbarrow! Charley, to be sure, would
+walk with them, talk with them, beau them to the theatre, concert or
+ball room, provided always--they were dressed all but to within half an
+inch of their lives! The man who introduced a new and _stunnin_' hat,
+scarf, or coat, Charley would swear friendship to, on sight! A shabby,
+genteel person was his abomination; a patch or darn, utterly horrifying!
+He lived, moved, breathed--ideally, his ideality based, of course, upon
+ridiculous superfluities of life--leather and prunella, entirely.
+Charley looked upon "a dirty day" as upon a villanously-dressed person,
+while a bright, shining morn--giving him amplitude to make a "grand
+dash," won from him the same encomiums to the producer that he would
+bestow on the getter-up of an elegant pair of cassimeres--commendable
+works of an artist! The _genus_ dandy, whether of savage or civilized
+life, is a felicitous subject for peculiar, speculative, comparative
+analogy or _analysis_; we shall pursue the shadow no farther, but come
+to the substance.
+
+After arriving at the establishment, Charley would strip off his "top
+hamper," placing his finery in a closet with the care and diligence of a
+maiden of thirty, and upwards. Then, donning a rude pair of over-alls
+and coat, he condescended to go to work. Now, in the said establishment,
+our _beau_ had few friends; the men, girls, and boys were "down" upon
+him; the men, because of his dandyism; the females hated him, because
+Charley stuck his long nose _up_ at "shop girls," and wouldn't no more
+notice them in the streets, than if they were chimney sweepers or
+decayed esculents! We boys didn't like him no how, generally, though it
+was policy for him to treat us tolerably decent, because his pride made
+it imperiously necessary that some of the "little breeches" should do
+small chores, errands, bringing water from the street, carrying down to
+_the shop_ goods, etc., which might otherwise devolve upon himself. But
+men, girls and boys were always scheming and practising jokes and tricks
+upon the _beau_. The boys would all rush off to dinner--first having so
+dirtied the water, hid the towels and soap, that poor Charley would
+necessarily be obliged to go down into the public street and bring up a
+bucket of the clean element to wash his begrimed face and hands. And
+mark the difficulties and _diplomacy_ of such an arrangement. Charley
+would slip down into the lower entry, peep out to see if any body was
+looking,--if a genteel person was visible, the _beau_ held back with his
+bucket; after various reconnaissances, the coast would appear clear, and
+the _beau_ would dash out to the pump, agitate "the iron-tailed cow"
+with the force and speed of an infantile earthquake--snatch up the
+bucket, and with one _dart_ hit the doorway, and glide up stairs,
+thanking his stars that nobody "seen him do it!"
+
+In one of these _forays_ for water, the _beau_ was decidedly cornered by
+two of the "shop girls." They, sly creatures, observed poor Charley from
+an upper "landing" of the stairway, in the entry below, watching his
+chance to get a clear coast to fill his dirty bucket. The moment the
+beau darted out, down rush the girls--slam to the door and bar it!
+
+The _beau_, dreaming of no such diabolical inventions, gives the pump an
+awful _surge_, fills the bucket, looks down the street, and--O! murder,
+there come two ladies--the first _cuts_ of the city, to whom Charley had
+once the honor of a personal introduction! With his face turned over his
+shoulder at the _ladies_--his nether limbs desperately nerved for _tall
+walking_,--he dashes at the supposed open entryway, and--nearly knocked
+the panel out of the door, smashing the bucket, spilling the water, and
+slightly killing himself!
+
+It was almost "a cruel joke," in the girls, who, taking advantage of
+the stunning effect of the operation, unbarred the door and vanished,
+before poor Charley picked himself up and scrambled into the lower store
+to recuperate.
+
+Weeks ran on; the beau had enjoyed a respite from the wiles of his
+persecutors, when one morning he was forced to come down into the store
+in his working gear, well be-spattered with oleaginous substances, dust
+and dirt; in this gear, Charley presented about as ugly and primitive a
+looking Christian, as might not often--before California life was
+dreamed of--be seen in a city. We _did_ quite an extensive retail
+trade--the store was rarely free from _ton_-ish citizens, mostly "fine
+ladies," in quest of fine perfumes, soaps, oils, etc., to sweeten and
+decorate their own beautiful selves. But, before venturing in, our
+_beau_ had an eye about the horizon, to see that no impediments offered;
+things looked safe, and in comes the beau.
+
+We were upon very fair terms with Charley, and he was wont to regale us
+with many of his long stories about the company he _faced_ into, the
+"conquests" he made, and the times he had with this and that, in high
+life. Fanny Kemble was about that time--belle of the season! _Lioness_
+of the day! setting corduroy in a high fever, and raising an awful
+_furore_--generally! Alas! how soon such things--cave in!
+
+Charley got behind the counter to stow away some articles he had brought
+down, and began one of his usual harangues:
+
+"Theatre, last night, Jack?"
+
+"No; couldn't get off; wanted to," said we.
+
+"O, you missed a grand opportunity to see the fashion beauty and wealthy
+people of this city! Such a house! Crowded from pit to dome, met a
+hundred and fifty of my friends--ladies of the first families in town,
+with all the 'high boys' of my acquaintance!"
+
+"And how did Fanny _do_ Juliet?" we asked.
+
+"Do it? Elegant! I sat in the second stage box with the two Misses W.
+(Chestnut street belles!) and Colonel S. and Sam. G., and his sister
+(all _nobs_ of course!), and they were truly entranced with Miss
+Kemble's Juliet! I threw for Miss G. her elegant bouquet,--Fanny kissed
+her fingers to me, and with a _look_ at me, as I stood up so--(the beau
+gave a tall _rear up_ and was about to spread himself, when glancing at
+the door, he sees--two ladies! right in the store!) _thunder!_" he
+exclaims.
+
+If the beau had been hit by a streak of lightning, he would not have
+_dropped_ sooner than he did, behind the counter.
+
+The ladies proved to be _nobody_ else than those of the very two Misses
+W. themselves; they lived close by, and frequently came to the store.
+Beneath our counter were endless packages, broken glass, refuse oils,
+rancid perfumes, dust, dirt, grease, charcoal, soap, and about
+everything else dingy and offensive to the eye and nose. The place
+afforded a wretched refuge for a hull so big and nice as our beau's, but
+there he was, much in our _way_ too, with the mournful fact, for
+Charley, that if those "fine ladies" stayed less than half an hour,
+without overhauling about every article in the store, it would be a
+white stone indeed in the fortunes of the beau! The ladies sat; they
+dickered and examined--we exhibited and put away, the beau lying
+crouched and crucifying at our feet, and we sniggering fit to burst at
+the _contretemps_ of the poor victim. Charley stood it with the most
+heroic resignation for full twenty minutes, when the two Misses W. got
+up to go. Casting their eyes towards the door, who should be about to
+pass but the divine Fanny!
+
+Fanny Kemble! Seeing the two Misses W., whose recognition and
+acquaintance was worth cultivating--even by the haughty queen of the
+drama and belle of the hour; she rushed in, they all had a talk--and you
+know how women can talk, will _talk_ for an hour or two, all about
+nothing in particular, except to _talk_. Imagine our beau,--"Phancy his
+phelinks," as _Yellow Plush_ says, and to heighten the effect, in comes
+the boss! He comes behind the counter--he sees poor Charley
+sprawling--he roars out:
+
+"By Jupiter! Mr. Whackstack, are you sick? _dead_?"
+
+"Dead?" utters Fanny.
+
+"A man dead behind your counter, sir?" scream the Misses W.!
+
+With one desperate _splurge_, up jumps the beau; rushes out, up
+stairs--gets on his clothes, and we did not see him again for over two
+years!
+
+
+
+
+A Juvenile Joe Miller.
+
+
+We observed a small transaction last Wednesday noon, on Hanover street,
+that wasn't so coarse for an urchin hardly out of his swaddling clouts.
+He was a cunning-looking little fellow, and poking his head into a shoe
+shop, he bawls out in a very keen, fine, silvery voice--
+
+"S-a-a-y, Mister-r-r--"
+
+"Eh?--what?" says the shop-keeper.
+
+"Somebody's got your boots out here!"
+
+Supposing, of course, that somebody was pegging away with a bunch of his
+_wares_ at the door, Lapstone rushes out and cries--
+
+"Where?"
+
+"There," says the shaver; "they're there--somebody's got 'em--hung up
+'long your window there."
+
+Lapstone seized a box lid to give the juvenile joker a flip, but he
+scooted, grinning and ha! ha!-ing in the most provoking strain.
+
+
+
+
+"Selling" a Landlord.
+
+
+During the great gathering of people in Quakerdom, while the Whigs were
+dovetailing in Old Zack, an artful dodger, a queer quizzing Boston
+friend of mine, thought a little _side play_ wouldn't be out of the way,
+so to work he goes to get up a muss, and I'll tell you how he managed
+it, nice as wax.
+
+Among the Boston delegates--self-constituted, _a la_ Gen. Commander--was
+a certain gentleman, remarkable for his probity, decorum, and extreme
+sensitiveness. Well, A., the _wag_, and B., the _victim_, landed
+together, but selected, in the general overflow and hurly-burly,
+different lodgings. Next morning, A. finds B. stowed away in ----'s
+Hotel, fine as a fiddle, snug as a bug, in a good room, and doing about
+_as_ well as could be expected. A. had had indifferent luck, and the
+quarters he had lit upon were any thing but comfortable, the inmates of
+the Hotel being stowed away in _tiers_, like herrings in a box. A.
+thought he'd _oust_ his innocent and unsuspecting friend, and crack his
+joke, if it cost a law suit, just for the sake of variety.
+
+With the _address_, and _partly the_ dress--a white hat--of a man of the
+_mace_, A. steps up to the bar of ----'s Hotel, and after carefully
+scrutinizing the register, finds the autograph of the victim, then
+smiles suspiciously, enough to say to the observant bar-keeper--
+
+"Aha! I've found him!" Then leaning cautiously forward towards that
+person, says A.--
+
+"Is this man here yet? Is he in the house?"
+
+"I b'leave he is, sur,--I know he is, sur," says the Milesian,
+overlooking the register himself.
+
+"Come here last night?" continues A., in his suspicious strain.
+
+"He did, sur!" answers the grog-mixer.
+
+"Has nothing but a valise and umbrella?" says A.
+
+"Nothing else, sur, I believe," is the reply.
+
+"That's him! that's him! I've found him!" exultantly exclaims A., while
+the bar-keeper and landlord, who had now come forward, eagerly wanted to
+know if any thing was wrong with the gentleman whose arrival was being
+discussed.
+
+"Step aside, sir," says A. to the proprietor; "I don't want any
+disturbance made, at such a time; it might do your fine establishment
+more harm than good; _but_, there is a person stopping in your house
+that I have followed from Boston; I have kept my eye on his
+movements(!); I know his designs, his practices, _well_; I'm on his
+track--he dodged me last night, but I've found him--"
+
+"Well, do you pretend to assert that this man (scrutinizing the
+register) is a pick-pocket, a thief, or something of the kind, sir?"
+earnestly inquired the proprietor.
+
+"You keep _mum_, sir," said A., coolly tapping the lappel of the
+landlord's coat--"I've got him _safe!_ Let him rest for awhile--I've got
+him! Do you understand?" says the wag, winking a knowing, significant
+_wink_ at the landlord.
+
+"No, cuss me if I do understand you, sir!" sharply replies the landlord.
+"If there is a dangerous or disreputable person in my house, sir, I
+would thank you to tell me, sir, and I will soon put him where the dogs
+won't bite him, sir!"
+
+"There is no use of unnecessary alarm, my friend," says A., in a low
+tone; "the truth is, this person whom I have followed here, has made a
+heavy _draw_ on one of our Boston banks, by means of certain checks and
+certificates, and--"
+
+"Oho! That's it, eh?" interposes the landlord, beginning to see his
+guest in a more _dignified_ light, that of a splendid thief; so his
+rigid frown, called in play by the supposition that a petty rascal was
+on his premises, subsided into a wise smile, which A. interrupts with--
+
+"You've hit it; but keep quiet! Don't let us go too _far_ before we're
+sure the bird is in our cage. He's worth attending to; I'm not sure he's
+_got_ the abstracted money about him; but when he settles with you, just
+notice the size of his wallet, and its contents; may have an officer
+handy, if you like. If he has a large roll of notes, especially on the
+Traders' Bank, nab him, and keep him until I come," said A.
+
+"Where do you stop, sir?" inquired the landlord.
+
+"At the ----, Chestnut street," A. replies.
+
+"Shall be attended to, sir, I warrant you. Is there a reward out, sir,
+for this person?" says the landlord.
+
+"O! no; it has all been kept quiet. _Policy_, you see; he left in such a
+hurry, he thought he'd be lost sight of in this crowd here in your city.
+If he has the money, we'll make 'a spec,' you understand?"
+
+"I see, I see," said the befogged landlord; "I'll keep a sharp look out
+for him, and let you know the moment I find him fairly out."
+
+That afternoon, as B. called for his bill at the bar of ----'s Hotel,
+the landlord was _about_, all in a _twitter_, with two policemen in the
+distance, and sundry especial friends hanging about, to whom the
+landlord had unbosomed the affair. All were anxiously watching the
+result of the business. B. hands forth his capacious wallet, stuffed
+with "_documents_" of the Traders' Bank, of Boston,--from which
+institution he had _drawn_ a pile of funds, to invest in coal at
+Richmond,--and no sooner did B. place an X, of the Traders' Bank, upon
+the bar, than the excited landlord's eyes danced like shot on a hot
+shovel, and giving the constables the _cue_, poor B. found himself
+_waited upon_, in a brace of shakes, by those two custodians, while the
+landlord grabbed the wallet out of B.'s hand, with a suddenness that
+completely mesmerized him.
+
+"Gentlemen," says the landlord to the officers, "do your duty!"
+
+"Why, look here!" says B., squirming about in the grasp of the officers,
+and reaching over for the landlord and his wallet--"what the thunder are
+you about? Come, I say, none of your darn'd nonsense now; let me go, I
+tell you, and hand back that wallet, Mister ----."
+
+But B. was "a goner." They favored him with no explanation, of course,
+and were about trotting him forth to the Mayor's office, when a well
+known Anthracite merchant came in, in quest of B. Some inquiry followed,
+explanation ensued, and the result was, that after poor B. got a little
+reconciled to the _joke_, he joined issue with a laughing chorus at the
+expense of the _sold_ landlord, who, in consideration of all hands
+keeping _mum_, put the party through a course of juleps.
+
+I may as well observe, that I regret there is no particular _moral_ to
+this sketch.
+
+
+
+
+Scientific Labor.
+
+
+"Bob, what yer doing now?"
+
+"Aiding Nat'ral History."
+
+"Aiding Nat'ral History--what do yer mean by that?"
+
+"Why every time the kangaroo jumps over the monkey, I hold his tail
+up."
+
+
+
+
+Who was that Poor Woman?
+
+
+I do not know a feminine--from the piney woods of Maine to the
+Neuces--so given to popularity, newspaper philippics, and city item
+bombards, as Aunt Nabby Folsom, of the town of Boston. The name and
+doings of Aunt Nabby are linked with nearly all popular cabals in
+Faneuil Hall, the "Temple," "Chapel," or Melodeon--from funeral orations
+to political caucusses--Temperance jubilees to Abolition flare ups; for
+Aunt Nabby never allows _wind_, weather or subject, time, place or
+occasion, to prevent her "full attendance." The police, and over-zealous
+auditors, at times _snake her down_ or crowd her old straw bonnet, but
+Aunt Nabby is always sure of the polite attention of the "Reporters,"
+and shines in their notes, big as the biggest toad in the puddle.
+
+Indeed, Aunt Nabby is one of 'em!--a perfect she-male Mike Walsh. She
+will have her _say_, though a legion of constables stood at the door;
+her principal _stand-point_ is the freedom of speech and woman's rights,
+and she goes in tooth and nail _agin law_, Marshal Tukey, and the entire
+race-root and rind of the Quincys--particularly strong! Aunt Nabby is
+subject to a series, too tedious to mention, of "sells" by the _quid
+nuncs_ and rapscallions of the day, and one of these "sells" is the pith
+of my present paper.
+
+It so fell out, when Jenny Lind arrived here, about every fool within
+five-and-fifty miles ran their heels and brazen faces after the
+Nightingale and her carriage wherever she went, from her bed-chamber to
+her dinner table, from her drawing-room to the Concert Hall. It took
+Barnum and his whole "private secretary" force and equal number of
+policemen and servants, besides Stephens himself, of the Revere, and his
+bar-keeper, to keep the mob from rushing pell-mell up stairs and
+surrounding Jenny as Paddy did the Hessians.
+
+Now and then a desperate fellow got in--had an audience, grinned, backed
+down and went his way, tickled as a dog with two tails. Others were
+victimized by notes from Barnum (!) or Miss Lind's "private secretary,"
+offering an interview, and many of these transactions were "rich and
+racy" enough, in all conscience, for the pages of a modern Joe Miller.
+But Aunt Nabby Folsom's time was about as rich as the raciest, and will
+bear rehearsing--easy.
+
+"Good morning, sir," said a pleasing-looking, neatly-dressed, elderly
+lady, to the two scant yards of starch and dickey behind Stephens' slab
+of marble at the Revere.
+
+"Good morning, ma'am," responded the _clark_, who, not knowing exactly
+who the lady was, _jerked_ down his well-oiled and brushed "wig and
+whiskers" to the entire satisfaction of the matronly lady, who went on
+to say--
+
+"I wish to see Miss Lind, sir."
+
+"Guess she's engaged, ma'am."
+
+"Well, but I've an invitation, sir, from Miss Lind, to call at 9 A. M.
+to-day. I like to be punctual, sir; my time is quite precious; I called
+precisely as desired; Miss Lind appointed the time; and----"
+
+"Oh, very well, very well, ma'am," said the _clark_, with a flourish,
+"if Miss Lind has invited you----"
+
+"Why, of course she has! Here's her--"
+
+"O, never mind, ma'am; all correct, I presume."
+
+The "pipes" and bells soon had the attendance of a gang of
+white-jacketed, polish-faced Paddies, and the elderly lady was
+marshalled, double-file, towards the apartments of the Nightingale.
+
+Jenny had but just "turned out," and was "feeding" on the right wing and
+left breast of a lark, the leg of a canary, "a dozen fried" humming
+bird eggs--her customary fodder of a morning.
+
+The servants passed the countersigns, and the elderly lady was
+admitted--the Nightingale, without disturbing the ample folds of her
+camel's hair dressing-gown--a present from the Sultan of all the
+Turkies, cost $3,000--motioned the matron to squat, and as soon as she
+got her throat in talking order, said--
+
+"Goot mornins."
+
+"How do you do?" responds the old lady.
+
+"Pooty well, tank'ees. You have some breakest? No!"
+
+"No, ma'am. I've had my breakfast three hours ago."
+
+"Yes? indeed! you rise up early, eh?--Well, it is goot for ze hels, eh?"
+
+"So my doctor says," responded the matron. "But I like to get up and be
+stirring around."
+
+"Ah! yes; you stir around, eh? What you stir around?"
+
+"Well, Miss Lind, I'll tell you what I stir around. I-stir-the-monsters
+(Miss Lind looks sharp)
+who-try-to-trample-on-the-universal-rights-_of-woman!_ (The matron 'up'
+and gesticulating like the brakes of an engine--Miss Lind drops her
+eating tools--eyes of the two servants bulge out!) A-n-d
+I-stir-the-demagogues-who-assemble-in-Faneuil-Hall (down with the
+brakes!), to prevent-the-freedom-of-speech (rush upon the brakes!),
+a-a-n-d-put-me-down!"
+
+It was evident that the appetite of the Nightingale was getting
+spoiled--she looked suspicious, and, just in time to prevent the female
+orator--who was no other personage, of course, than Aunt Nabby Folsom,
+from ripping into a regular caucus fanfaronade of gamboge and gas, a
+knock upon the door announced a "call" for Miss Lind, to dress and
+appear to a fresh lot of bores--yclept the Mayor and his suit of
+Deacons, soup, pork and bean-venders.
+
+"Ah! yes; I will be ready in one min't. Madame, you will please come
+again; once more, adieu--good mornins--adieu!"
+
+And Aunt Nabby, in spite of her ancient teeth, found herself bowed--half
+way down stairs--into the hall, and clean out doors, before she caught
+her breath to say another word upon the interminable subject of the
+freedom of speech and woman's rights!
+
+But Aunt Nabby "blowed"--O! didn't she _blow_ to the various tea and
+toast coteries, scandal and slang express women--and the various knots
+of anxious crowds who stood about Bowdoin Square during the Lind mania!
+Aunt Nabby had had a genuine _tete-a-tete_ with the Nightingale--and,
+ecod, an invitation to call again! But Jenny Lind, and her cordon of
+sentinels, secretaries and suckers, were "fly" for the old screech owl,
+when again and again she beset the _clark_ and the stairways of the
+Revere. Though Aunt Nabby hung on and growled dreadfully, she finally
+caved in and kept away.
+
+When Jenny Lind gave the proceeds of one concert to charitable purposes,
+among the items set down in the list was--"A poor woman--_one hundred
+dollars!_"
+
+"Why, it's you, of course," said a _quid-nunc_, to Aunt Abby, as she
+held the Evening Transcript in her hands, in the store of Redding & Co.,
+and observed the interesting item above alluded to.
+
+"Well, so I think," says Aunt Nabby. "If I ain't a poor woman, and a
+var-tuous woman, and a good and _true woman_ (down came her brakes on
+the book piles), I'd like to know where--_where_, on this univarsal
+_yearth_ (down with the brakes), you'd find one! One hundred dollars to
+a poor woman," she continued, reading the item. "I must be the
+person--yes, Abigail, _thou art the man!_" she concluded in her favorite
+apothegm.
+
+The _quid_ gave Abby the residence of the Agent (!) who was to disburse
+the Lind charities, and away went Abby to the Agent, who happened to be
+an amateur joker; knowing Aunt Abby, and smelling a "sell," he told the
+old 'un that Mr. Somerby, of No. -- Cornhill, the joker of the Post, was
+the Agent, and would shell out next morning, at nine o'clock. At that
+hour, S. had Aunt Nabby in his sanctum. He knew the ropes, so assured
+Abby that there was a mistake; Charles Davenport, of Cornhill, rear of
+Joy's building, was the man. Charles D. informed Aunt Nabby, that he had
+declined to disburse for Miss Lind, but that Bro. Norris, of the Yankee
+Blade, had the pile, and was serving it out to an excited mob. Norris
+declared that she was in error. She was not, by a jug full, the only,
+poor woman in town, and didn't begin to be _the_ poor woman set forth in
+Miss Lind's schedule! But Aunt Nabby wasn't to be _done!_ She besieged
+Miss Lind--followed her to the cars--mounted the platform--Jenny espied
+her, and to avoid a harangue on the freedom of speech and woman's
+rights, hid her head in her cloak. The last exclamation the Nightingale
+heard from the screech owl, was--
+
+"Miss Jane Lind--who was that poor wom-a-n?"
+
+
+
+
+Infirmities of Nature.
+
+
+Some folks are easily glorified. We once knew a man who became so elated
+because he was elected first sergeant in the militia, that he went home
+and put a silver plate on his door. Ollapod, in speaking of this kind of
+people, makes mention of one Sabin, who was so overjoyed the first time
+he saw his name in the list of letters, advertised by the post-office,
+that he called his friends together and put them through on woodcock.
+
+
+
+
+Andrew Jackson and his Mother.
+
+
+It is a most singular, or at least curious fact, connected with the
+histories of most all eminent men, that they were denied--by the decrees
+of stern poverty, or an all-wise Providence--those facilities and
+indulgences supposed to be so essentially necessary for the future
+success and prosperous career of young men, but acted as "whetstones" to
+sharpen and develop their true temper! The fact is very vivid in the
+early history of Andrew Jackson--a name that, like that of the great,
+godlike Washington, must survive the wreck of matter, the crush of
+worlds, and, passing down the vista of each successive age, brighter and
+more glorious, unto those generations yet to come, when time shall have
+obliterated the asperities of partisan feeling, and learned to deal most
+gently with the human frailties of the illustrious dead.
+
+Andrew Jackson, senior, emigrated from Ireland in 1765, with his wife
+and two boys--Hugh and Robert, both very young; they landed at
+Charleston, S. C, where Jackson found employment as a laborer, and
+continued to work thus for several years, until, possessed of a few
+dollars, he went to the interior of the state and bought a small place
+near Waxhaw. About this time, 1767, Andrew Jackson, Jr., was born, and
+during the next year--by the time the infant could lisp the name of his
+parent--the father fell sick of fever and died. Mrs. Jackson, left with
+three small children, in an almost wild country, where nothing but toil
+of a severe and arduous kind could provide a subsistence, was indeed in
+a most grievous situation. But she appears to have been a woman of no
+ordinary temperament, courage, and perseverance, for she continued
+cheerfully the work left her--rearing her boys, and preparing them for
+the situations in life they might be destined to fill. Mrs. Jackson was
+a woman of some information, and a strong advocate for the rights and
+liberties of men; as, it is said, she not only gave her boys their first
+rudiments of an English education, but often indulged in glowing
+lectures to them of the importance of instilling in their hearts and
+principles an unrelenting war against pomp, power, and circumstance of
+monarchical governments and institutions! She led them to know that they
+were born free and equal with the best of earth, and that that position
+was to be their heritage--maintained even at the peril of life and
+property! and how well he learned these chivalric lessons, the
+countrymen of Andrew Jackson need not now be told, as it was exemplified
+in every page of his whole history.
+
+Hugh, Robert, and Andrew, were now the widow's hope and treasures; Hugh
+and Robert were her main dependence in working their little farm, and
+Andrew, never a very robust person, was early sent to the best schools
+in the neighborhood, and much care taken by his mother to have him at
+least educated for a profession--the ministry. This resolve was more
+perhaps decided upon from the naturally stern, contemplative, and fixed
+principles of young Jackson; as at the early age of fifteen, he was by
+nature well prepared for the scenes being enacted around him, and in
+which, even those young as himself, were called upon to take an active
+part. This was in the days of the revolution, when the weak in numbers
+of this continent were about to try the _experiment_ of living free and
+independent, and establish the fact that royalty was an imposition and a
+humbug, only maintained by arrogance and pomp at the point of the
+bayonet.
+
+The British had begun the war--already had the echoes of "Bunker Hill,"
+and the smell of "villainous saltpetre," invaded and aroused the quiet
+dwellers in the woods and wilds of South Carolina, and the chivalric
+spirit that has ever characterized the men of the Palmetto state, at
+once responded to the tocsin of _liberty_. It was with no slight degree
+of sorrow and aching of the mother's heart, that she saw her two sons,
+Hugh and Robert, shoulder their muskets and join the Spartan band that
+assembled at Waxhaw Court-house. But she blessed her children and gave
+up her holy claim of a mother's love, for the common cause of the infant
+nation.
+
+Cornwallis and his army crossed the Yadkin, Lord Rawden, with a large
+force, took the town of Camden, and began a desolation of the adjacent
+country. Being apprised of a "rebel force" in arms at Waxhaw, he
+immediately dispatched a company of dragoons, with a company of
+infantry, to capture or disperse the "rebels." About forty men,
+including the two boys Jackson, were attacked by these veterans of the
+British army, but aided by their true courage, a good cause, and perfect
+knowledge of the country, they gave the invaders a hot reception, and
+many of the enemy were killed; and not until having made the most
+determinate resistance, and being overwhelmed by the great majority of
+the opposing forces, did these patriots retreat, leaving many of their
+friends dead upon their soil, and eleven of their number prisoners in
+the hands of the British. It was during this fight that Andrew
+Jackson--a mere lad--hearing the noise of the conflict, while he sat in
+the log-house of his mother, besought her to allow him to take his
+father's gun, and fly to join his brothers. And it was vain that the
+parent restrained him, knowing the temperament of the boy, from this
+dangerous determination; for with one warm embrace and parting kiss upon
+the brow of his mother, Andrew Jackson buckled on his powder-horn and
+bullet-pouch, and rushed to the scene of battle. But his friends were
+already flying, and hotly pursued by the enemy. Andrew met his brother
+Robert, who informed him of the death of their elder brother, Hugh; the
+two boys now fled together and concealed themselves in the woods, where
+they lay until hunger drove them forth--they sought food at a farm
+house, the owner of which proved to be a _tory_, and gave information to
+some soldiers in the vicinity--the Jacksons were both captured and led
+to prison. In the affray--for they yielded only by force--Robert was cut
+on the head by a sword in the hands of a petty officer, and he died in
+great agony in prison. It was here and then that the firm and manly
+bearing of the boy was exhibited; for he stood his griefs and
+imprisonment like a true hero. Not a tear escaped him by which his
+enemies might be led to believe he feared their power, or wavered in his
+allegiance to the cause of his country.
+
+"Here, _boy_, clean my boots!" said an officer to him. But the bright
+defiant eye of the boy smote the captor with a look, and as he curled
+his firm lips in scorn, he answered,
+
+"No, sir, I will _not!_"
+
+"You won't? I'll tie you, you young saucy rebel, to your post, and skin
+your back with a horse whip, if you do not clean my boots."
+
+"Do it," said the lion-hearted boy--"for I'll not stoop to clean the
+boots of your master!"
+
+The infuriated ruffian drew his sword, and to defend his head from the
+blow, Andrew threw up his little hand and received a gash--the scar of
+which went with him to the tomb at the Hermitage. A Captain Walker, of
+South Carolina, with a dozen or twenty men, during the imprisonment of
+Andrew Jackson, made a desperate charge upon a company of the British,
+near Camden, and captured thirteen of them; these prisoners he exchanged
+for seven of his countrymen, including the boy Andrew Jackson, prisoners
+of the enemy. Andrew hurried home--his poor old mother was upon her
+death bed, attended by an old negro nurse of the Jackson family, and
+suffering not only from the great multitude of grief consequent upon the
+death of her heroic sons, but for want of the common necessaries of
+life, the invaders having stripped the widow of her last pound of
+provisions. The life-spark rekindled in the eye of the mother, as she
+beheld her darling boy safe at her bedside--she grasped his hand with
+the firmness of a dying woman, and turning her eyes upon the now weeping
+boy, said,
+
+"Andrew, I leave you,--son, you will soon be alone in the world; be
+faithful, be true to God and your country--that--when--the--hour of
+death approaches you--will have--nothing to--dread--every thing--to hope
+for."
+
+ * * * * *
+
+Andrew was taken ill after the burial of his mother, and but for the
+constant and tender care of the old black nurse--the last of the Jackson
+family--would have then passed away; he recovered--he was alone--not a
+relative in the world; poor, and in a land ravaged by a foreign foe,
+could a boy be more desolate and lonely? With a few "effects" thrown
+upon his shoulders, he went to North Carolina, Salisbury, where he
+entered the office of a famed lawyer--Spruce M'Cay--was admitted to the
+bar in 1778--went to Tennessee--served as a soldier in the Indian wars
+of 1783--chosen a Senator 1797--Major General in 1801--whipped the
+British in the most conclusive manner at New Orleans in 1815, and
+triumphantly elected President of the United States for eight years in
+1829. Andrew Jackson followed his mother's advice, and he not only
+triumphed over his hard fortune, but died a Christian, full of hope, in
+1845.
+
+
+
+
+Snaking out Sturgeons.
+
+
+We have roared until our ribs fairly ached, at the relation of the
+following "item" on sturgeons, by a loquacious friend of ours:--
+
+It appears our friend was located on the Kennebec river, a few years
+ago, and had a number of hands employed about a dam, and the sturgeons
+were very numerous and extremely docile. They would frequently come
+poking their noses close up to the men standing in the water, and one of
+the men bethought him how delicious a morsel of pickled sturgeon was,
+and he forthwith made a preparation to "snake out" a clever-sized fish.
+Getting an iron rod at the blacksmith's shop, close at hand, he bends up
+one end like a fish hook, and, slipping out into the stream, he slily
+places the hook under the sturgeon's nose and into its round hole of a
+mouth, expecting to fasten on to the victimized, harmless fish, and
+"yank" him clean and clear out of his watery element. But, "lordy,"
+wasn't he mistaken and surprised! The moment the hook touched the inside
+of the sturgeon's mouth, the creature backed water so sudden and
+forcibly as to near jerk the holder of the hook's head from its socket.
+The poor fellow was forty rods under water, and going down stream,
+before he mustered presence of mind enough to induce him to let go the
+hook!
+
+However, the lookers-on of this curious man[oe]uvre took a boat and
+fished out their half-drowned comrade, who concluded that he had paid
+pretty dearly for his whistle.
+
+The sturgeon-catching did not end here. After the laugh of the
+above-mentioned adventure had ceased, some one offered to bet a hat that
+he could hold a sturgeon and snake him clean out of the water; and as
+the man who _had_ tried the experiment felt altogether dubious about it,
+he at once bet that the sturgeon would be more than a match for any man
+in the crowd.
+
+The wager was duly staked, a rod crooked, the operator tucked up his
+sleeves and trowsers, and wades out to where a sturgeon or two were
+lying off in the shallow water. Of course the operation now became a
+matter of considerable interest; and as the man was a stout, hearty
+fellow, able to hold a bull by the horns, few entertained doubts of his
+bringing out _his_ sturgeon.
+
+After a long time the operator gets his hook under the sturgeon, and
+leans forward to stick it close into the jaws of the victim; and no
+sooner was that part of the feat accomplished, than Mr. Sturgeon "backs
+out" with the velocity of chain lightning, carrying his assailant under
+water and down stream! The man held on; and there they went, foaming and
+pitching, until the fellow, finding his breath nearly out of his body;
+his neck, arms, and legs just about dislocated, concluded to lose the
+hat and let the hook and sturgeon go!
+
+Pretty well used up, the poor fellow succeeded in getting out of the
+river, a convert to the first experimental idea of the strength and
+velocity of fish, especially a big sturgeon.
+
+Beginning to imagine that fish could swim, or had some muscular power,
+several of the bystanders were rife for experimenting on the sturgeons.
+
+Another iron rod was converted into a hook, and two burly-built Paddys
+volunteered to hook the fish. An opportunity was not long waited for,
+ere a jolly good elastic nosed genus sturgeon came smelling up close to
+where the Paddys had posted themselves upon some moss-covered, slippery
+stones, and with a sudden spasmodic effort, the man with the hook
+planted it firmly into the suction hole of the fish, while his companion
+held on to a rope fast to the hook. Before Pat could say Jack Robinson,
+of course he was jerked off his feet, and, letting go the iron, the
+other Paddy and the sturgeon set sail, having all the fun to themselves!
+This proved, or very nearly so, a serious _denouement_ to the
+sturgeon-catching by hand, for Paddy was carried clean and clear off
+soundings, and so repeatedly immersed in deep water, that his life was
+within an ace of being wet out of his body. The rope parted at last
+(poor Pat never thought of letting go his "hould"), and being dipped out
+of the liquid element and rolled over a barrel until his insides were
+emptied of the water, and heat restored through the influence of
+whiskey, he recovered, and further experimenting on sturgeons, that
+season, in the Kennebec, ceased.
+
+
+
+
+Mixing Meanings--Mangling English.
+
+
+There is an individual in Quincy Market, "doing business," who is down
+on customers who don't speak proper.
+
+"What's eggs, this morning?" says a customer.
+
+"_Eggs_, of course," says the dealer.
+
+"I mean--how do they _go_?"
+
+"Go?--where?"
+
+"Sho--!" says the customer, getting up his _fury_, "what for eggs?"
+
+"Money, money, sir! or good endorsed credit!" says the dealer.
+
+"Don't you understand the English language, sir?" says the customer.
+
+"Not as you mix it and mangle it; I don't!" responded the egg merchant.
+
+"What--is--the--price--per--dozen--for--your--eggs?"
+
+"Ah! now you talk," says the dealer. "Sixteen cents per dozen, is the
+price, sir!" They traded!
+
+
+
+
+Waking up the Wrong Passenger.
+
+
+In "comparing notes" with a travelled friend, I glean from his stock of
+information, gathered South-west, a few incidents in the life of a
+somewhat extensively famed Boston panoramic artist--one of which
+incidents, at least, is worth rehearsing. Some years ago, the South-west
+was beset by an organized coalition of desperadoes, whose daring
+outrages kept travellers and the dwellers in the Mississippi valley in
+continual fear and anxiety. "Running niggers" was one of the most
+popular and profitable branches of the business pursuits of these
+gentlemen freebooters, and, next to horse-stealing, was the most
+practised.
+
+At length, the citizens "measured swords" with the freebooters, or land
+pirates, more properly; forming themselves into committees, the citizens
+opened _Court_ and practised Judge Lynch's _code_ upon a multitude of
+just occasions. At the time of which we write, Mill's Point, on the
+Mississippi, was no great shakes of a _town_, but a spot where a very
+considerable amount of whiskey was drank, and a corresponding quantity
+of crime and desperate doings were enacted; indeed, some of the worst
+scenes in Southern Kentucky's tragic dramas were performed there. It so
+fell out, that some of the land pirates had been actively engaged in
+levying upon the negroes and mules around Mill's Point, and the
+protective committee were on the alert to capture and administer the law
+upon these fellows. It was discovered, one evening, as the shades of a
+black and rather tempestuous night were closing upon the mighty "father
+of waters" and his ancient banks, that a mysterious _voyageur_, or sort
+of piratical _vidette_, was seen in his light canoe, hugging the shore,
+either for shelter or some insidious purpose.
+
+The canoe and its navigator were diligently watched; but the coming
+storm and darkness soon closed observation, and the parties noticing the
+transaction hurried forward to the _Point_, and announced one or more of
+the land pirates in the neighborhood! Of course, the town--of some four
+houses, six "groceries," a _store_ and blacksmithery--was aroused,
+indignant! Impatient for a victim, the _posse comitatus_ "fired up,"
+armed to the teeth with pistol, bludgeon, blunderbuss, gun, bowie-knife,
+and--whiskey, started up the river to reconnoitre and intercept the
+pirate and his crew.
+
+Each nook and corner along shore, for some three miles, was
+carefully--as much so as the darkness would admit--scoured. The
+Storm-King rode by, the stars again twinkled in the azure-arched
+heavens, and soon, too, the bright silver moon beamed forth, and
+suddenly one of the vigilant committee espies the land-pirate and his
+canoe noiselessly floating down the rapid stream! No time was to be
+lost; the committee man, rather pleased with the fact of his being the
+first to make the discovery, apprised a comrade, and the two hurried
+back to the Point, to get a canoe and start out to capture the enemy.
+The canoe was obtained, three courageous men, armed to the teeth, as the
+saying goes, paddled off, and indeed they had not far to paddle, for
+right ahead they saw the mysterious canoe of the enemy! Where was the
+pirate? Asleep! Lying down in his frail vessel; either asleep, or
+"playing possum." At all events, the Mills-Pointers gave the enemy but a
+brief period to sleep or act; for, dashing alongside, a brawny arm
+seized the victim in the strange canoe by the breast and throat, with
+such a rush and fierceness that both canoes were upon the apex of
+"swamping."
+
+"Don't move! Don't budge an inch, or you're a case for eels, you thief!"
+
+"Make catfish bait of him at once!" yelled the second.
+
+"Don't move," cried the third, "don't move, you possum, or you're
+giblets, instanter!"
+
+But these injunctions scarcely seemed necessary, for, even had the
+captive been so inclined, he neither possessed the power nor opportunity
+to move a limb.
+
+"Haul him out," cried one.
+
+"Yes, lug him into our boat," said another; "so now, you skunk, lay
+still; don't open your trap, or I'll brain you on sight!"
+
+Having transferred the body of the captive from his "own canoe" to
+theirs, the Mills-Pointers made fast the stranger's _dug-out_, and then
+paddled for the landing. The pirate was duly hauled ashore, or on to the
+_wharf-boat_, and left under guard of one of the captors--a dreadful
+ugly-looking customer, a _cross_ between a whiskey-cask, bowie-knife,
+and a Seminole Indian or bull-dog, and armed equal to an arsenal--while
+the other two went up to the nearest "grocery," reported the capture,
+took a drink, and sent out word for _Court_ to meet. The poor victim was
+deposited on his back across some barrels, with his hands tied behind
+him. Recovering his scattered senses, the _pirate_ "waked up."
+
+"Look here, my virtuous friend," said he to his body-guard, who sat on
+an opposite barrel, with a heavy pistol in his hand, "what's all this
+about?"
+
+"Shet up!" responded the guard; "shet up your gourd. You'll know what's
+up, pooty soon, you ugly cuss, you!"
+
+"Well, that's explicit, anyhow!" coolly continued the captive. "But all
+I want to know, is--am I to be robbed, killed off, or only initiated
+into the mysteries of your craft?"
+
+"Shet up, you piratin' cuss, you; shet up, or I'll give you a settler!"
+was the reply.
+
+[Illustration: "Shet up, you piratin' cuss you; shet up or I'll give you
+a settler!--_Page_ 305.]
+
+"Well, really, you are accommodating," cavalierly replied the but little
+daunted captive. "One thing consoling I glean, my virtuous friend, from
+your scraps of information--you are not a pirate yourself, or in favor
+of that science! But I should like to know, old fellow, where I am, and
+what the deuce I'm here for."
+
+"Well, you'll soon diskiver the perticklers, for here comes the _Court_,
+and they'll have you dancin' on nothin' and kickin' at the wind, pooty
+soon; you kin stake your pile on that!"
+
+And with this, a hum was heard, and soon a mob of a dozen
+well-_stimulated_ citizens, and strangers about the Point, came rushing
+and yelling on to the wharf-boat and were quite as immediately gathered
+around the captive. The first impulse of the _posse comitatus_ appeared
+to manifest itself in a desire to hang the victim--straight up! A second
+(how _sober_ we know not) thought induced them to ask a question or two,
+and for this purpose the presiding _judge_ drew up before the still
+prostrate captive, and said--
+
+"Who are you? What have you got to say for yourself, anyhow?"
+
+The sunburnt, ragged, and rather romantic-looking prisoner turned his
+face towards the _judge_, and replied--
+
+"I have nothing of consequence to say, neighbor. I would like to know,
+however, what all this means!"
+
+"Where's your crew, you villain?" said the _judge_.
+
+"Crew? I have never found it necessary to have any, neighbor; navigation
+never engrossed a great deal of my attention, but I get along down here
+very well--without a crew!"
+
+"You do?" responded the _judge_; "well, we're going to hang you up."
+
+"You are, eh?" was the cool reply; "well, I have always been opposed to
+capital punishment, neighbor, and I know it would be unpleasant to me
+now!"
+
+The quiet manner of his reply rather won upon the _Court_, and says the
+_judge_--
+
+"Who are you, and where are you from?"
+
+"My name is Banvard--John Banvard, from Boston!"
+
+"It is, eh? What are you doing along here, alone in a canoe?"
+
+"_Taking a panorama of the Mississippi, neighbor, that's all._"
+
+The _Court_ adjourned _sine die_; the clever artist was untied, treated
+to the best the market afforded, that night; his canoe, rifle, &c.,
+restored next day, and John went on his way rejoicing in his narrow
+escape--finished his sketches, and the first great panorama "got up" in
+our country, and which he took to Europe, after making a fortune by it
+in America.
+
+
+
+
+Genius for Business.
+
+
+It's a highly prized faculty in shop-keeping to sell something when a
+customer comes in, if you can. A female relative of ours went into a
+Hanover street fancy store 'tother day, to "look over" some ivory card
+and needle cases; the slightly agricultural-looking clerk "flew around,"
+and when the question "Have you any ivory card cases?" was propounded,
+he responded--
+
+"Not any, mum;" glancing into the show-case, his visual orbs _lit_ upon
+a profusion of well-known matters in domestic economy, for the
+abrogation of certain parasitic insects.
+
+"Haven't any card cases, mum,--_got some elegant ivory small-tooth
+combs!_"
+
+
+
+
+Have You Got Any Old Boots?
+
+
+No slight portion of the ills that flesh is heir to, in a city life, is
+the culinary item of rent day. Washing day has had its day--machines and
+_fluid_ have made washing a matter of science and ease, and we are no
+longer bearded by fuming and uncouth women in the sulks and suds, as of
+yore, on the day set apart for renovating soiled dimities and dickeys.
+Another and more important matter, from the extent of its obnoxiousness
+to our nerves and temper, has come home to our very threshold and
+hearths, to disturb the even tenor of our domestic quietude and peace.
+
+"_Have you got any ole boots?_"
+
+Boston lost a good citizen by those bell-pulling, gate-whacking,
+back-door-pounding infernal collectors of time and care-worn _boots_.
+The old boot gatherers were almost as diverting as novel to me, when I
+first located in Boston; but I have long since learned to hate and abhor
+them, and their co-laborers in the tin-pan, tape, tea-pot, willow work,
+and white pine ware trade, with a most religious enthusiasm.
+
+"_Have you got any ole boots?_"
+
+How often--a hundred times at least, have I gone to the door and heard
+this inquiry--ten times in one day, for I kept count of it, and used
+enough "strong language" at each shutting--banging to of the door, to
+last a "first officer" through a gale of wind.
+
+"_Have you got any ole boots?_"
+
+The idea of jumping up from your beef steak and coffee, or morning
+paper--just as you had got into a deeply interesting bit of information
+on "breadstuff's," California, or the Queen's last baby, to open your
+door, and espy a grim-visaged and begrimed son of the Emerald Isle,
+just rearing his phiz above the pyramid of ancient and defiled leather,
+and meekly asking--
+
+"_Have yez got any ole boots?_"
+
+These _collectors_ are of course prepared for any amount of explosive
+_gas_ you may shower down upon their uncombed crowns, as the cool and
+perfectly-at-home manner they descend your steps to mount those of your
+next-door neighbor plainly indicates. The "pedlers" and--
+
+"_Have you got any ole boots?_"
+
+Drove my respected--middle-aged friend Mansfield--clear out of town! Mr.
+Mansfield was a _retired_ flour merchant; he was not rich, but well to
+do in the world. He had no children of his own, in lieu of which,
+however, he had become responsible for the "bringing up" of two orphans
+of a friend. One of these children was a boy, old enough to be
+_devilish_ and mightily inclined that way. The boy's name was Philip,
+the foster father he called Uncle Henry, and not long after arriving in
+town, and opening house at the South End, Mr. Mansfield--who was given
+to quiet musings, book and newspaper reading--found that he was likely
+to become a victim to the aforesaid hawkers, pedlers and old boot
+collectors.
+
+Uncle Henry stood it for a few months, with the firmness of an
+experienced philosopher, laying the flattering unction to his soul that,
+however harrowing--
+
+"_Got any ole boots to-day?_"
+
+might be to him, for the present, he could grin and bear and finally get
+used to it, as other people did. But Uncle Henry possessed an irritable
+and excitable temperament, that not one man in ten thousand could boast
+of, and hence he grew--at length sour, then savage, and, finally, quite
+meat-axish, towards every outsider who dared to ring his bell, and
+proffer wooden ware and tin fixins, for rags and rubbers, or make the
+never-to-be-forgotten inquiry--
+
+"_Have you got any ole boots to-day?_"
+
+Always at home, seated in his front parlor, and his frugal wife not
+permitting the expense of a servant, Uncle Henry, or Master Philip, were
+obliged to wait on the door. The old gentleman finally concluded that
+the pedlers and old boot collectors, more as a matter of daily amusement
+than profit or concern--gave him a call. And laboring under this
+impression, Uncle Henry determined to give the nuisances, as he called
+them, a reception commensurate with their impertinence and his worked up
+ire.
+
+"Now, Philly," said Uncle Henry, one morning after breakfast, "we'll fix
+these--
+
+"'_Got any ole boots?_'
+
+"We'll give the rascals a caution, they won't neglect soon, I'll warrant
+them. Bring me the hammer and nails; that's a man; now get uncle the
+high chair; so, that's it; now I'll fix this shelf up over the top of
+the door, on a pivot--bore this hole through here--put the string
+through that way, here, umph; oh, now we'll have a trap for the
+scoundrels. I'll learn them how to come pulling people's bells, clean
+out by the very roots, making us drop all, to come wait on them, rot
+them--
+
+"'_Got any ole boots?_'
+
+"I'll give you old boots, by the lord Harry; I'll give you a dose of
+something you won't forget, to your dying day."
+
+And thus jabbering, fixing and pushing about the revolving shelf, over
+his hall door, Mr. Mansfield worked away at his trap. Like that of most
+dwellings in Boston, Uncle Henry's front door was _sunk_ some six or
+eight feet into the face of the house, reached by a flight of six
+granite steps--side and top lights to the door, in the ordinary way,
+with brass plate and bell pull. It was in a neighborhood not _plebeian_
+enough to induce butcher boys to enter the hall, with the pork and
+potatoes, nor admit of the servant girl heaving "slops" out of the
+front windows; yet not sufficiently parvenu to impress pedlers and
+
+"_Got any ole boots?_"
+
+with aristocratic or "respectable" _awe_, ere venturing to mount the
+steps, pull the bell, and mention tin pots, scrap iron, rags and old
+leather. Mr. Mansfield was inclined to _chuckle_ in his sleeves at the
+_ruse_ he would be enabled to give his tormentors through the agency of
+his revolving battery--charged with ground charcoal and brick dust, to
+be worked by himself or Philly, by means of a string on the inside.
+Philly was duly initiated into the _modus operandi_; when--
+
+"_Got any ole boots?_"
+
+made his appearance, amid his pyramid of leather, or a pedler's wagon
+was seen in the neighborhood, Philly was to be on the _qui vive_, inform
+Uncle Henry, and if they mounted the steps, he would give them a shower
+bath upon a new and astonishing principle.
+
+It was perfect "nuts" for Master Phil; he was tickled at the idea, and
+readily agreed to Uncle Henry's propositions. Not long after arranging
+the "infernal machine," Uncle Henry's attention was called to another
+part of the house; a dire calamity had befallen the Canary bird; a
+strange cat had pounced upon the cage--the door flew open, and puss
+nabbed the little warbler. Philly, on the look out, in front, discovers
+two old boot men approaching the neighborhood; desirous of showing his
+own skill, he did not call Uncle Henry, but posted himself behind the
+door--string in hand, awaiting the _cue_. Feet approach--quickly the
+feet mount the steps.
+
+"_Ding al ling, ding de ding, ding, ding, ding!_"
+
+"_Sh-i-i-s-swashe!_" and down comes the avalanche of coal dust and
+refined brick, the bulk of a peck, fair measurement!
+
+Uncle Henry reached the door just in time to see the penny postman
+covered from head to foot with the obnoxious composition! Philly took
+occasion to make a sudden exit, the postman swore--swore like a trooper,
+but Uncle Henry managed to pack the whole transaction upon the "devilish
+boy"--brushed the postman's clothes, and after some effort, so mollified
+him as to induce the sufferer to depart in peace. Uncle Henry _tried_ to
+be very severe on Philly, but it was very evident to that hopeful that
+the old gentleman was more tickled than serious. Philly cleared the
+steps, and the old gentleman re-arranged the trap, admonishing Philly
+not to dare to meddle with it again, but call him when--
+
+"_Got any ole boots?_" made their appearance.
+
+All was quiet up to noon next day; Uncle Henry had business down town,
+and left the house at 9 A. M. Philly was at school, but got home before
+Uncle Henry, and seeing the pedler wagon near the door--slipped in, and
+learning that the old gentleman was out, he gladly took charge of the
+battery again. Now, just as the pedler mounted the steps of the next
+door, Mr. Mansfield sees him, and hurries up his own steps, to be on the
+watch for the pedler. Philly had been peeking out the corner of the side
+curtain, and seeing the pedler coming, as he thought, right up the
+steps--nabbed the string, and as Uncle Henry caught the knob of the
+door--down came thundering the brick dust and charcoal both, in the most
+elegant profusion.
+
+Phil was _tricked_. Uncle Henry's vociferations were equal to that of a
+drunken beggar--the trap was removed, Uncle Henry got disgusted with
+city life, and left--for rural retirement, without as much as giving one
+single rebuke to--
+
+"_Got any ole boots to-day?_"
+
+
+
+
+The Vagaries of Nature.
+
+
+Nature seems to have her fitful, frightful, and funny moods, as well as
+all her children. Now she gets up a stone bridge, the gigantic
+proportions and the symmetrical development of which attract great
+attention from all tourists and historians who venture into or speak of
+"old Virginia." The old dame goes down far into the bowels of Mother
+Earth, in Kentucky, and builds herself, silently and alone, a stupendous
+under-ground palace, that laughs to scorn the puny efforts of man in
+that branch of business. She gets up sugar-loaf mountains, pillars of
+salt, great granite breastworks, and stone towers; hews out
+figure-heads, old men's noses on the beetling cliffs of New Hampshire,
+and throws up rocky palisades along the Hudson, that win wonder and
+delight from the floating million. Instances out of all number might be
+raked up, home and abroad, to show how the old dame has cut _didoes_ in
+the prosecution of her manifold duties. But in Australia, it would seem,
+nature has taken most especial pains to appear slightly ridiculous or
+very eccentric.
+
+Old Captain Rocksalt informs us--and there is always wit, wisdom, and
+truth in the old man's stories--that he made voyages to Australia many
+times within the past thirty years, and having visited about all the
+sea-ports of the Continent, lived and almost died in Australia, his
+notes are worthy of attention. Capt. Cook discovered and named _Botany
+Bay_, the name originating from the fact that the land was covered with
+a luxurious growth of Botanical specimens. The Dutch discovered and
+named _Van Diemen's Land_. The English at once concluded to make Botany
+Bay a penal colony, and the first living freight of criminals and
+soldiers sent out, was some 700 in number, in 1788; but Capt. Phillip,
+the commander of the fleet, being dissatisfied with the looks of Botany
+Bay, hunted up a better place, and sailed to it. When Capt. Cook was
+cruising off there, one of his sailors, on the look out, cried, "Land
+ho!"
+
+Cook was over his wine and beef, in the cabin, and it took him some time
+to "tumble up" on deck.
+
+"Where the deuce is your land, eh?" bawls the old cruiser.
+
+"Larboard beam, sir!" responds the "lookout;" and, sure enough, a long,
+faint streak of land was visible from deck. The "lookout" announced a
+harbor, head-lands, &c.; but the rum old captain, not being able to see
+any such indication, with a chuckle, says he--
+
+"You booby! harbor, eh? Ha, ha! well, we'll call it a port, you powder
+monkey--_Port Jackson!_"
+
+And faith, so the lookout, Jackson, became sponsor to the finest harbor
+in all Australia; for Capt. Phillip, upon rediscovering the harbor, took
+his fleet into it, and then and there began the now flourishing city of
+Sydney.
+
+Australia is an Island, lying opposite another--New Zealand. It is on
+the Indian Ocean, south side, while the east opens to the Pacific.
+Australia claims to contain a superficial area of over three million
+square miles, part desert, rather mountainous, and all being in one of
+the finest climates on the face of the earth. The air is dry, the soil
+light and sandy; the high winds stir up the dust and fine sand, and make
+ophthalmy the only positive ill peculiar to the country. Sheep-grazing,
+wool-growing, and boiling down sheep and cattle for tallow was the great
+business of the country from its earliest settlement up to 1851, when
+the _gold fever_ swept the land.
+
+Australia was inhabited by over 100,000 natives, black cannibals of the
+ugliest description; but at this day not a hundred of them remain. The
+natives were exceeding stupid and useless; the first settlers, who, as
+Capt. Rocksalt observes, were jail-birds and scape-gallows, were not
+very dainty in dealing with the obnoxious natives; so they determined to
+get rid of them as fast and easy as possible. For this purpose, they
+used to gather a horde of them together, and give them poisoned bread
+and rum, and so kill them off by hundreds. It was a sharp sort of
+_practice_, but the _ends_ seemed to justify the _means_.
+
+Gold, "laying around loose," as it did, was, no doubt, _discovered_
+years ago; but not in quantities to lead the ignorant to believe money
+could be made hunting it. People may be stupid; but it requires a far
+greener capacity than most of them would confess to--at least, ten years
+ago--to make them believe gold could be picked up in chunks out in the
+open fields.
+
+But Australia began to be populated; by convicts first; and then by far
+better people; though the very worst felons sent out often became decent
+and respectable men, which is indeed a great "puff," we think, for the
+healthfulness of the climate. A convict shepherd now and then used to
+bring into Sydney small lumps of gold and sell them to the watch-makers,
+and as he refused to say where or how he got them, it was suspicioned
+that he had secreted guineas or jewelry somewhere, and occasionally
+melted them for sale.
+
+However, one day the thing broke out, nearly simultaneously, all over
+Australia. Gold was lying around everywhere. The rocks, ledges, bars,
+gullies, and river-banks, which were daily familiar to the eyes of
+thousands, all of a sudden turned up bright and shining gold. Old Dame
+Nature must have laughed in her sleeve to see the fun and uproar--the
+scrabble and rush she had caused in her vast household.
+
+"It did beat _all!_" exclaims the old Captain. "In forty-eight hours
+Sydney was half-depopulated, Port Phillip nearly desolate, while the
+interior villages or towns--Bathurst, &c., were run clean out!"
+
+Stores were shut up, the clerks running to the mines, and the
+proprietors after the clerks. Mechanics dropped work and put out;
+servants left without winking, leaving people to wait on themselves;
+doctors left what few patients they had, and bolted for the fields of
+Ophir; lawyers packed up and cut stick, following their clients and
+victims to the brighter fields of "causes" and effects. The newspapers
+became so short-handed that dailies were knocked into weeklies, and the
+weeklies into cocked hats, or something near it--mere eight-by-ten
+"handbills."
+
+These "discoveries" wrought as sudden as singular a revolution in men,
+manners, and things. As we said before, Australia was the very apex of
+singularities in the way of Dame Nature's fancy-work, long before the
+gold mania broke out; but now she seemed bent on a general and
+miscellaneous freak, making the staid, matter-of-fact Englishmen as full
+of caprice as the land they were living in.
+
+"Only look at it!" exclaims the Captain: "the day comes in the middle of
+our nights! When we're turning in at home, they are turning out in
+Australia. Summer begins in the middle of winter; and for snow storms
+they get rain, thunder and lightning. About the time we are getting used
+to our woollens and hot fires of the holidays, they are roasting with
+heat, and going around in linen jackets and wilted dickeys. The land is
+full of flowers of every hue, gay and beautiful, gorgeous and sublime to
+look at, but as senseless to the smell and as inodorous as so many dried
+chips. The swans are numerous, but jet black. The few animals in the
+country are all provided with pockets in their 'overcoats,' or skin, in
+which to stow their young ones, or provender. Some of the rivers really
+appear," says the Captain, "to run up stream! I was completely taken
+down," says the Captain, "by a bunch of the finest pears you ever saw.
+Myself and a friend were up the country, and I sees a fine pear tree,
+breaking down with as elegant-looking fruit as I ever saw.
+
+"'Well, by ginger,' says I, 'them are about as fine pears as I've seen
+these twenty years!'
+
+"'Yes,' says my friend, who was a resident in the country; 'perhaps you
+would like to try a few?'
+
+"'That I shall,' says I; so I ups and knocks down a few, and it was a
+job to get them down, I tell you; and when I had one between my teeth I
+gave it a nip--see there, two teeth broke off," says the Captain,
+showing us the fact; "the fine pears _were mere wood!_
+
+"The country is well supplied with fine birds; but they are dumb as
+beetles, sir--never heard a bird sing or whistle a note in Australia.
+The trees make no shade, the leaves hang from the stems edge up, and
+look just as if they had been whipped into shreds by a gale of wind; and
+you rarely see a tree with a bit of bark on it.
+
+"But what completely upset me, was the cherries, sir--fine cherries,
+plenty of them, but the _stones were all on the outside!_ The bees have
+no stings, the snakes no fangs, and the eagles are all white. The north
+wind is hot, the south wind cold. Our longest days are in summer; but in
+Australia, sir, the shortest days come in summer, and the longest in
+winter; and," says the Captain, "I can't begin to tell you how many
+curious didoes nature seems to cut, in that country; but, altogether,
+it's one of the queerest countries I ever did see, by ginger!"
+
+And we have come to the conclusion--it is. If the gold continues to
+"turn up" in such boulders and "nuggets" as recently reported, Australia
+is bound to be the richest and most densely populated, as well as
+_queerest_ country known to man.
+
+
+
+
+A General Disquisition on "Hinges."
+
+
+Did you ever see a real, true, unadulterated specimen of _Down East_,
+enter a store, or other place of every-day business, for the purpose of
+"looking around," or _dicker_ a little? They are "coons," they are, upon
+all such occasions. We noted one of these "critters" in the store of a
+friend of ours, on Blackstone Street, recently. He was a full bloom
+_Yankee_--it stuck out all over him. He sauntered into the store, as
+unconcerned, quietly, and familiarly, as though in no great hurry about
+anything in particular, and killing time, for his own amusement.
+Absalom, Abijah, Ananias, Jedediah, or Jeremiah, or whatever else his
+name may have been, wore a very large fur cap, upon a very small and
+close-cut head; his features were mightily pinched up; there was a
+cunning expression about the corner of his eyes, not unlike the
+embodiment of--"catch a weazel asleep!" while the smallness of his
+mouth, thinness and blue cast of his chin and lips, bespoke a keen,
+calculating, pinch a four-pence until it squeaked like a frightened
+locomotive temperament! His "boughten" sack coat, fitting him all over,
+similar to a wet shirt on a broom-handle, was pouched out at the pockets
+with any quantity of numerous articles, in the way of books and boots,
+pamphlets and perfumery, knick-knacks and gim-cracks, calico, candy, &c.
+His vest was short, but that deficiency was made up in superfluity of
+_dickey_, and a profusion of sorrel whiskers. Having got into the store,
+he very leisurely walked around, viewing the hardware, separately and
+minutely, until one of the clerks edged up to him:
+
+"What can we do for you to-day, sir?"
+
+Looking _quarteringly_ at the clerk for about two full minutes, says
+he--
+
+"I'd dunno, just yet, mister, what yeou kin do."
+
+"Those are nice hinges, real wrought," says the clerk, referring to an
+article the "customer" had just been gazing at with evident interest.
+
+"Rale wrought?" he asked, after another lapse of two minutes.
+
+"They are, yes, sir," answered the clerk. Then followed another pause;
+the Yankee with both his hands sunk deep into his trowsers' pockets, and
+viewing the hinges at a respectful distance, in profound calculation,
+three minutes full.
+
+"They be, eh?" he at length responded.
+
+"Yes, sir, _warranted_," replied the clerk. Another long pause. The
+Yankee approached the hinges, two steps--picks up a bundle of the
+article, looks knowingly at them two minutes--
+
+"Yeou don't say so?"
+
+"No doubt about that, at all," the clerk replies, rather pertly, as he
+moves off to wait upon another customer, who bought some eight or ten
+dollars' worth of cutlery and tools, paid for them, and cleared out,
+while our Yankee genius was still reconnoitering the hinges.
+
+"I say, mister, where's them made?" inquires the Yankee.
+
+"In England, sir," replied the clerk.
+
+"Not in _Neuw_ England, I'll bet a fo'pence!"
+
+"No, not here--in Europe."
+
+"I knowed they warn't made areound here, by a darn'd sight!"
+
+"We've plenty of American hinges, if you wish them," said the clerk.
+
+"I've seen _hinges_ made in _aour_ place, better'n them."
+
+"Perhaps you have. We have finer hinges," answered the clerk.
+
+"I 'spect you have; I don't call _them_ anything great, no how!"
+
+"Well, here's a better article; better hinges--"
+
+"Well, them's pooty nice," said the Yankee, interrupting the clerk, "but
+they're small hinges."
+
+"We have all sizes of them, sir, from half an inch to four inches."
+
+"You hev?" inquiringly observed the Yankee, as the clerk again left him
+and the hinges, to wait on another customer, who bought a keg of nails,
+&c., and left.
+
+"I see you've got brass hinges, tew!" again continued the Yankee, after
+musing to himself for twenty minutes, _full_.
+
+"O, yes, plenty of them," obligingly answered the clerk.
+
+"How's them brass 'uns work?"
+
+"Very well, I guess; used for lighter purposes," said the clerk.
+
+"Put 'em on desks, and cubber-doors, and so on?"
+
+"Yes; they are used in a hundred ways."
+
+"Hinges," says the Yankee, after a pause, "ain't considered, I guess, a
+very neuw invenshun?"
+
+"I should think not," half smilingly replied the clerk.
+
+"D'yeou ever see wooden hinges, mister?"
+
+"Never," candidly responded the clerk.
+
+"Well, I _hev_," resolutely echoed the Yankee.
+
+"You have, eh?"
+
+"E' yes, plenty on 'em--eout in Illinoi; seen fellers eout there that
+never seen an iron hinge or a razor in their lives!"
+
+"I wasn't aware our western friends were so far behind the times as
+that," said the clerk.
+
+"It's a _fact_--dreadful, tew, to be eout in a place like that,"
+continued the Yankee. "I kept school eout there, nigh on to a year;
+couldn't stand it--"
+
+"Ah, indeed!" mechanically echoed the poor clerk.
+
+"No, _sir_; dreadful place, some parts of Illinoi; folks air almighty
+green; couldn't tell how old they air, nuff on 'em; when they get mighty
+old and bald-headed, they stop and die off, of their own accord."
+
+"Illinois must be a healthy place?" observed the clerk.
+
+"Healthy place! I guess not, mister; fever and ague sweetens 'em, I tell
+you. O, it's dreadful, fever and ague is!"
+
+"That caused you to leave, I suppose?" said the clerk.
+
+"Well, e' yes, partly; the climate, morals, and the water, kind o' went
+agin me. The big boys had a way o' fightin', cursin', and swearin',
+pitchin' apple cores and corn at the master, that didn't exactly suit
+me. Finally, one day, at last, the boys got so confeounded sassy, and I
+got the fever and agy so _bad_, that they shook daown the school-house
+chimney, and I shook my hair nearly all eout by the roots, with the
+_agy_--so I packed up and _slid!_"
+
+The clerk being again called away to wait on a fresh customer, the
+Yankee was left to his meditations and survey. Having some twenty more
+minutes to walk around the store, and examine the stock, he brought up
+opposite the clerk, who was busy tying up gimlets, screws, and stuff,
+for a carpenter's apprentice. Yankee explodes again.
+
+"Got a big steore of goods layin' areound here, haven't yeou?"
+
+"We have, sir, a fair assortment," said the clerk.
+
+"Them Illinoi folks haven't no _idee_ what a place this Boston is; they
+haven't. I tried to larn 'em a few things towards civilization, but
+'twaren't no sort o' use tryin'!"
+
+"New country yet; the Illinois folks will brighten up after a while, I
+guess," said the clerk. "Did you wish to examine any other sort of
+hinges, sir?" he continued.
+
+"Hain't I seen all yeou hev?"
+
+"O, no; here we have another variety of hinges, steel, copper, plated,
+&c. These are fine for parlor doors, &c.," said the clerk.
+
+"E' yes them air nice, I swow, mister; look like rale silver. I 'spect
+them cost somethin'?"
+
+"They come rather high," said the clerk, "but we've got them as low as
+you can buy them in the market."
+
+"I want to know!" quietly echoes the Yankee.
+
+"Yes, sir; what do you wish to use them for?" says the clerk.
+
+"Use 'em?" responded the Yankee.
+
+"Yes; what _priced_ hinges did you require?"
+
+"What priced hinges?--"
+
+"Exactly! Tell me what you require them _for_, and I can soon come at
+the _sort_ of hinges you require," said the clerk, making an effort to
+come to a climax.
+
+"Who said _I_ wanted any hinges?"
+
+"Who said you wanted any? Why, don't you want to buy hinges?"
+
+"Buy hinges? Why, _no;_ I don't want nothin'; _I only came in to look
+areound!_"
+
+Having looked around, the imperturbable Yankee stepped out, leaving the
+poor clerk--quite flabbergasted!
+
+
+
+
+Miseries of Bachelorhood.
+
+
+Dabster says he would not mind living as a bachelor, but when he comes
+to think that bachelors must die--that they have got to go down to the
+grave "without any body to cry for them"--it gives him a chill that
+frost-bites his philosophy. Dabster was seen on Tuesday evening, going
+convoy to a milliner. Putting this fact to the other, and we think we
+"smell something," as the fellow said when his shirt took fire.
+
+
+
+
+The Science of "Diddling."
+
+
+Jeremy Diddlers have existed from time immemorial down, as traces of
+them are found in all ancient and modern history, from the Bible to
+Shakspeare, from Shakspeare to the revelations of George Gordon Byron,
+who strutted his brief hour, acted his part, and--vanished. Diddler is
+derived from the word _diddle_, to _do_--every body who has not yet made
+his debut to the Elephant. We believe the word has escaped the attention
+of the ancient lexicographers, and even Worcester, and the still more
+durable "Webster," have no note of the word, its derivation, or present
+sense.
+
+A "Jeremy Diddler" is, in _fact_, one of your first-class vagabonds; a
+fellow who has been spoiled by indulgent parents, while they were in
+easy circumstances. Trained up to despise labor, not capacitated by
+nature or inclination to pass current in a profession, he finds himself
+at twenty possessed of a genteel address, a respectable wardrobe, a few
+friends, and--no visible means of support. There are but two ways about
+it--take to the highway, or become a Diddler--a sponge--and, like
+woodcock, live on "suction." The early part of a Diddler's life is
+chiefly spent among the ladies;--they being strongly susceptible of
+flattering attentions, especially those of "a nice young man," your
+Diddler lives and flourishes among them like a fighting cock. Diddler's
+"heyday" being over, he next becomes a politician--an old Hunker;
+attends caucusses and conventions, dinners and inaugurations. Never
+aspiring to matrimony among the ladies, he remains an "old bach;" never
+hoping for office under government, he never gets any; and when, at
+last, both youth and energies are wasted, Diddler dons a white
+neckcloth, combs his few straggling hairs behind his ears, and, dressed
+in a well-brushed but shocking seedy suit of sable, he jines church and
+turns "old fogie," carries around the plate, does chores for the parson,
+becomes generally useful to the whole congregation, and finally shuffles
+off his mortal coil, and ends his eventful and useless life in the most
+becoming manner.
+
+Cities are the only fields subservient to the successful practice of a
+respectable Diddler. New York affords them a very fair scope for
+operation, but of all the American cities, New Orleans is the Diddler's
+paradise! The mobile state of society, the fluctuations of men and
+business, the impossibility of knowing any thing or any body there for
+any considerable period, gives the Diddler ample scope for the exercise
+of his peculiar abilities to great effect. He dines almost sumptuously
+at the daily lunches set at the splendid drinking saloons and _cafes_,
+he lives for a month at a time on the various upward-bound steamboats.
+In New Orleans, the departure of a steamer for St. Louis, Cincinnati or
+Pittsburg, is announced for such an hour "to-day"--positively; Diddler
+knows it's "all a gag" to get passengers and baggage hurried on, and the
+steamer keeps _going_ for two to five days before she's gone; so he
+comes on board, registers one of his commonplace aliases, gets his
+state-room and board among the crowd of _real_ passengers, up to the
+hour of the boat's shoving out, then he--slips ashore, and points his
+boots to another boat. Many's the Diddler who's passed a whole season
+thus, dead-heading it on the steamers of the Crescent City. Sometimes
+the Diddler learns bad habits in the South, from being a mere Diddler,
+which is morally bad enough; he comes in contact with professional
+gamblers, plunges into the most pernicious and abominable of
+vices--gambles, cheats, swindles, and finally, as a grand tableau to his
+utter damnation here and hereafter, opens a store or a bank with a
+crowbar--or commits murder.
+
+
+
+
+The Re-Union; Thanksgiving Story.
+
+ "Behold, for peace I had great bitterness, but thou hast in love to
+ my soul delivered it from the pit of corruption: for thou hast cast
+ all my sins behind thy back."--Isaiah.
+
+
+A portly elderly gentleman, with one hand in his breeches pocket, and
+the fingers of the other drumming a disconsolate rub-a-dub upon the
+window glass of an elegant mansion near Boston Common, is the personage
+I wish to call your attention to, friend reader, for the space of a few
+moments. The facts of my story are commonplace, and thereby the more
+probable. The names of the dramatis personae I shall introduce, will be
+the _only_ part of my subject imaginary. Therefore, the above-described
+old gentleman, whom we found and left drumming his rub-a-dub upon the
+window panes, we shall call Mr. Joel Newschool. To elucidate the matter
+more clearly, I would beg leave to say, that Mr. Joel Newschool, though
+now a wealthy and retired merchant, with all the "pomp and circumstance"
+of fortune around him, could--if he chose--well recollect the day when
+his little feet were shoeless, red and frost-bitten, as he plodded
+through the wheat and rye stubble of a Massachusetts farmer, for whom he
+acted in early life the trifling character of a "cow boy."
+
+Yes, Joel could remember this if he chose; but to the vain heart of a
+proud millionaire, such reflections seldom come to the surface. Like
+hundreds of other instances in the history of our countrymen, by a
+prolonged life of enterprise and good luck, Joel Newschool found
+himself, at the age of four-and-sixty, a very wealthy, if not a happy
+man. With his growing wealth, grew up around him a large family. Having
+served an apprenticeship to farming, he allowed but a brief space to
+elapse between his freedom suit and portion, and his wedding-day. Joel
+and his young and fresh country spouse, with light hearts and lighter
+purses, came to Boston, settled, and thus we find them old and wealthy.
+In the heart and manners of Mrs. Newschool, fortune made but slight
+alteration; but the accumulation of dollars and exalted privileges that
+follow wealth, had wrought many changes in the heart and feelings of her
+husband.
+
+The wear of time, which is supposed to dim the eye, seemed to improve
+the ocular views of Joel Newschool amazingly, for he had been enabled in
+his late years to see that a vast difference of _caste_ existed between
+those that tilled the soil, wielded the sledge hammer, or drove the
+jack-plane, and those that were merely the idle spectators of such
+operations. He no longer groped in the darkness of men who believed in
+such fallacies as that wealth gave man no superiority over honest
+poverty! In short, Mr. Newschool had kept pace with all the fine notions
+and ostentatious feelings so peculiar to the mushroom aristocracy of the
+nineteenth century. He gloried in his pride, and yet felt little or none
+of that happiness that the bare-footed, merry cow boy enjoyed in the
+stubble field. But such is man.
+
+With all his comfortable appurtenances wealth could buy and station
+claim, the retired merchant was not a happy man. Though his expensive
+carriage and liveried driver were seen to roll him regularly to the
+majestic church upon the Sabbath: though he was a patient listener to
+the massive organ's spiritual strains and the surpliced minister's
+devout incantations: though he defrauded no man, defamed not his
+neighbor, was seeming virtuous and happy, there was at his heart a pang
+that turned to lees the essence of his life.
+
+Joel Newschool had seen his two sons and three daughters, men and women
+around him; they all married and left his roof for their own. One, a
+favorite child, a daughter, a fine, well-grown girl, upon whom the
+father's heart had set its fondest seal--she it was that the hand of
+Providence ordained to humble the proud heart of the sordid millionaire.
+Cecelia Newschool, actuated by the noblest impulses of nature, had for
+her husband sought "a _man_, not a money chest," and this circumstance
+had made Cecelia a severed member of the Newschool family, who could
+not, in the refined delicacy of their senses, tolerate such palpable
+condescension as to acknowledge a tie that bound _them_ to the wife of a
+poor artizan, whatever might be his talents or integrity as a man.
+
+Francis Fairway had made honorable appeal to the heart of Cecelia, and
+she repaid his pains with the full gift of a happy wife. She counted not
+his worldly prospects, but yielded all to his constancy. She wished for
+nothing but his love, and with that blessed beacon of life before her,
+she looked but with joy and hope to the bright side of the sunny future.
+
+The home of the artizan was a plain, but a happy one. Loving and
+beloved, Cecelia scarce felt the loss of her sumptuous home and ties of
+kindred. But not so the proud father and the patient mother, the haughty
+sisters and brothers; they felt all; they attempted to conceal all, that
+bitterness of soul, the canker that gnaws upon the heart when we will
+strive to stifle the better parts of our natures.
+
+Time passed on; one, two, or three years, are quickly passed and gone.
+Though this little space of time made little or no change in the
+families of the proud and indolent relatives, it brought many changes in
+the eventful life of the young artizan and his wife. Two sweet little
+babes nestled in the mother's arms, and a new and splendid invention of
+the poor mechanic was reaping the wonder and admiration of all Europe
+and America.
+
+This was salt cast upon the affected wounds of the haughty relatives.
+Now ashamed of their petty, poor, contemptible arrogance, they could not
+in their hearts find space to welcome or partake of the proud dignity
+with which honorable industry had crowned the labors of the young
+mechanic.
+
+It was a cold day in November; the wind was twirling and whistling
+through the trees on the Common; the dead leaves were dropping seared
+and yellow to the earth, admonishing the old gentleman whom we left
+drumming upon the window, that--
+
+ "_Such was life!_"
+
+The old gentleman thumped and thumped the window pane with a dreary
+_sotto voce_ accompaniment for some minutes, when he was interrupted by
+an aged, pious-looking matron, who dropped her spectacles across the
+book in her lap, as she sat in her chair by the fireside, and said--
+
+"Joel."
+
+"Umph?" responded the old gentleman.
+
+"The Lord has spared us to see another Thanksgiving day, should we live
+to see to-morrow."
+
+"He has," responded Mr. Newschool.
+
+"I've been thinking, Joel, that how ungrateful to God we are, for the
+blessings, and prosperity, and long life vouchsafed to us, by a good and
+benevolent Almighty."
+
+"Rebecca," said the faltering voice of the rich man, "I know, I feel all
+this as sensitive as you can possibly feel it."
+
+"I was thinking, Joel," continued the good woman, "to-morrow we shall,
+God permitting, be with our children and friends once again, together."
+
+"I hope so, I trust we shall," answered the husband.
+
+"And I was thinking, Joel," resumed the wife, "that the exclusion of our
+own child, Cecelia, from the family re-unions, from joining us in
+returning thanks to God for his mercy and preservation of us, is cruel
+and offensive to Him we deign to render up our prayers."
+
+"Rebecca," said the old gentleman, "I but agree with you in this, you
+have but anticipated my feelings in the matter. I have long fought
+against my better feelings and offended a discriminating God, I know.
+Ashamed to confess my stubbornness and frailty before, I now freely
+confess an altered feeling and better determination."
+
+"Then, Joel, let our daughter Cecelia and her husband join with us
+to-morrow in rendering our thanks to a just God and kind Providence."
+
+"Be it so, Rebecca. God truly knows it will be a millstone relieved from
+my heart. I wish it done."
+
+Three family re-unions, three days of Thanksgiving had been held in the
+paternal mansion of the Newschools, since Cecelia had left it for the
+humble home of the poor artizan. But their several re-unions were
+clouded, gloomy, unsocial affairs; there was a gap in the social circle
+of the Newschool family, as they met on Thanksgiving day, which all
+felt, but none hinted at. It was hard for a parent to invoke blessings
+on a portion, but not all, of his own flesh and blood; it was hard to
+return thanks for those dear ones present, and _wonder_ whether the
+absent and equally dear had aught to be thankful for, whether instead of
+health and comfort, they might not be sorrowing in disease, poverty, and
+despair! Such things as these, when they obtrude upon the mind, the
+soul, are not likely to make merry meetings. And such was the position
+and nature of the re-union upon the late Thanksgiving days, at the
+Newschool mansion. But better feelings were at work, and a happy change
+was at hand.
+
+Several carriages had already drove up to the door of Mr. Newschool,
+Sen., and let down the different branches of the Newschool family. A
+brighter appearance seemed gathering over the household than was usual
+of late on Thanksgiving day, in the old family mansion. As each party
+came, the good old mother duly informed them of the invitation given,
+and the hope indulged in, that Cecelia and her husband would join the
+family circle that day, in their re-union.
+
+The proud sisters seemed willing, at last, to cast away their pride, and
+greet their sister as became Christian and sensible women. The brothers,
+chagrined at the unmanliness of their conduct, now gladly joined their
+approval of what betokened, in fact, a happy family meeting. As the
+clock on old South Church tower pealed out eleven, a pretty, smiling
+young mother, in plain, but unexceptionable, neat attire, ascended the
+large stone steps of the Newschool mansion, with a light and graceful
+step, bearing a sleeping child in her arms.
+
+Another moment, and Cecelia Fairway was in the arms of her old mother;
+the smiles, kisses and tears of the whole family party were bountifully
+showered upon poor Cecelia, and her sweet little daughter. Imagination
+may always better paint such a scene, than could the feeble pen describe
+it. The deep and gushing eloquence of human nature, when thus long pent,
+bursts forth, sweeping the meagre devises of the pen before it, like
+snow-flakes before the mighty mountain avalanche.
+
+Oh! it was a happy sight, to see that party at their Thanksgiving
+dinner.
+
+Old Mr. Newschool, in his long and fervent prayer to the throne of
+grace, expressed the day the happiest one of his long life. Quickly flew
+the hours by, and as the shades of evening gathered around, Francis
+Fairway was announced with a carriage for his wife's return home.
+Francis Fairway, the artizan, was a proud, high-minded man, conscious of
+his own position and merits, and scorned any base means to conciliate
+the favor and patronage of his superiors in rank, birth, or education.
+His deportment to the Newschool family was frank and manly; and they met
+it with a sense of just appreciation and dignity, that did them honor.
+Francis met a generous welcome, and the evening of Thanksgiving day was
+spent in a happy re-union indeed. Upon Cecelia's and her husband's
+return home, she found a small note thrust in the bosom of her child,
+bearing this inscription--
+
+ "Grandfather's Re-union gift to little Cecelia; Boston, Nov., 184-."
+
+The note contained five $1000 bills on the old Granite Bank of Boston,
+and which were duly placed in the old Bank fire-proof, to the account of
+the little heir, the enterprise of the artizan having placed him above
+the necessity of otherwise disposing of Joel Newschool's gift to the
+grandchild.
+
+
+
+
+Cabbage vs. Men.
+
+
+Theodore Parker says, the cultivation of man is as noble and
+praiseworthy a science, as the cultivation of cabbage, or the garden
+sass! Says brother Theodore, "You don't cast garden-seed in the mire,
+over the rough broken ground, and exhibit your benefits. No, you dig,
+level, rake, and then sow your seed, you give them sunshine and water,
+you tear out the weeds that would choke your infant vegetables--why
+would you do less for the material man?" Pre-cisely! we pause for an
+answer, proposals received from the learned--until we go to press.
+
+
+
+
+Wanted--A Young Man from the Country.
+
+
+All of our mercantile cities are overrun with young men who have been
+bred for the counter or desk, and thousands of these genteel young gents
+find it any thing but an easy matter to find bread or situations half
+their time, in these crowded marts of men and merchandise. An
+advertisement in a New York or New Orleans paper, for a clerk or
+salesman, rarely fails to "turn up" a hundred needy and greedy
+applicants, in the course of a morning! In New York, where a vast number
+of these misguided young men are "manufactured," and continue to be
+manufactured by the regiment, for an already surfeited market, there are
+wretches who practise upon these innocent victims of perverted
+usefulness, a species of fraud but slightly understood.
+
+By a confederacy with some experienced dry goods dealer, the proprietor
+of one of those agencies for procuring situations for young men,
+_victims_ of misplaced confidence are put through at five to ten dollars
+each, somewhat after this fashion: Sharp, the keeper of the Agency,
+advertises for two good clerks, one book-keeper, five salesmen, ten
+waiters, &c., &c.; and, of course, as every steamboat, car and stage,
+running into New York, brings in a fresh importation of young men from
+the country, all fitted out in the knowledge box for salesmen,
+book-keepers and clerk-ships,--every morning, a new set are offered to
+be taken in and done for. Sharp demands a fee of five or ten dollars for
+obtaining a situation; victim forks over the amount, and is sent to
+Sharp number two, who keeps the dry goods shop; he has got through with
+a victim of yesterday, and is now ready for the fresh victim of to-day;
+for he makes it a point to put them through such a gamut of labor,
+vexatious man[oe]uvres and insolence, that not one out of fifty come
+back next day, and if they do--_he don't want them!_ If the unsuspecting
+victim returns to the "Agency," he is lectured roundly for his
+incapacity or want of _energy!_--and advised to return to the country
+and recuperate.
+
+Jeremiah Bumps having graduated with all the honors of Sniffensville
+Academy, and having many unmistakable longings for becoming a Merchant
+Prince, and seeing sights in a city; and having read an account of the
+great fortunes piled up in course of a few years, by poor, friendless
+country boys, like Abbot Lawrence, John Jacob Astor, he up and came
+right straight to Boston, having read it in the papers that clerks,
+salesmen, book-keepers, and so on, were wanted, dreadfully--"young men
+from the country preferred"--so he called on the _suffering_ agent for
+the public, and paying down his _fee_, was sent off to an _Importing
+House_, on ---- street, where a clerk and salesman were wanted. Jeremiah
+found his idea of an _Importing House_ knocked into a disarranged
+chapeau, by finding the one in the "present case," a large and luminous
+_store_, filled up with paper boxes and sham bundles; while gaudily
+festooned, were any quantity of calicoes, cheap shawls, ribbons, tapes,
+and innumerable other tuppenny affairs.
+
+Nebuchadnezzar Cheatum, the proprietor of this importing and jobbing
+house, was a keen, little, slick-as-a-whistle, heavy-bearded, shaved and
+starched genus, of six-and-thirty, more or less; and received Jeremiah
+with a rather patronizing survey _personelle_, and opened the engagement
+with a few remarks.
+
+"From the country, are you?"
+
+"Sniffensville, sir," said Jeremiah; "County of Scrub-oak, State of New
+Hampshire."
+
+"Ah, well, I prefer country-bred young men; they are better trained,"
+said Cheatum, "to industry, perseverance, honest frugality, and the
+duties of a Christian man. I was brought up in the country myself. I've
+made myself; carved out, and built up my own position, sir. Yes, sir,
+give me good, sound, country-bred young men; I've tried them, I know
+what they are," said Cheatum; and he spoke near enough the truth to be
+partly true, for he _had_ "tried them;" he averaged some fifty-two
+clerks and an equal number of _salesmen_--yearly.
+
+Jeremiah Bumps grew red in the face at the complimentary manner in which
+Nebuchadnezzar Cheatum was pleased to review the country and its
+institutions.
+
+"What salary did you think of allowing?" says Jeremiah.
+
+"Well," said Cheatum, "I allow my salesmen three dollars a week the
+first year, (Jeremiah's ears cocked up,) and three per cent. on the
+sales they make the second year."
+
+By cyphering it up "in his head," Jeremiah came to the conclusion that
+the _first_ year wouldn't add much to his pecuniary elevation, whatever
+the second did with its three per cents. But he was bound to try it on,
+anyhow.
+
+"Now," said Cheatum, "in the first place, Solomon----"
+
+"Jeremiah, if you please, sir," said the young man.
+
+"Ah, yes, Thomas--_pshaw!_--Jediah, I would say," continued Cheatum,
+correcting himself--
+
+"Jeremiah--Jeremiah Bumps, sir," sharply echoed Mr. Bumps.
+
+"Oh, yes, yes; one has so many clerks and salesmen in course of
+business," said Cheatum, "that I get their names confused. Well,
+Jeremiah, in the first place, you must learn to please the customers;
+you must always be lively and spry, and never give an offensive answer.
+Many women and girls come in to price and overhaul things, without the
+remotest idea of buying anything, and it's often trying to one's
+patience; but you must wait on them, for there is no possible means of
+telling a woman who _shops_ for pastime, from one who shops in earnest;
+so you must be careful, be polite, be lively and spry, and never let a
+person _go_ without making a purchase, if you can possibly help it. If a
+person asks for an article we have not got, endeavor to make them try
+something else. If a woman asks whether four-penny calico, or six-penny
+delaines will wash, say 'yes, ma'am, _beautifully_; I've tried them, or
+seen them tried;' and if they say, 'are these ten cent flannels real
+_Shaker flannels_? or the ninepence hose _all merino_?' better not
+contradict them; say 'yes, ma'am, I've tried them, seen them tried, know
+they are,' or similar appropriate answers to the various questions that
+may be asked," said Cheatum.
+
+"Yes, sir," Jeremiah responded, "I understand."
+
+"And, William----"
+
+"Jeremiah, sir, if you please."
+
+"Oh, yes; well, Jediah--Jeremiah, I would say--when you make change,
+never take a ten cent piece and two cents for a shilling, but give it as
+often as practicable; look out for the fractions in adding up, and
+beware of crossed six-pences, smooth shillings, and what are called
+Bungtown coppers," said Cheatum, with much emphasis.
+
+"I'm pooty well posted up, sir, in all _that_," said Jeremiah.
+
+"And, Jeems--pshaw!--Jacob--Jeremiah! I would say, in measuring, always
+put your thumb _so_, and when you move the yardstick forward, shove your
+thumb an inch or so _back_; in measuring _close_ you may manage to
+squeeze out five yards from four and three-quarters, you understand? And
+always be watchful that some of those nimble, light-fingered folks don't
+slip a roll of ribbon, or a pair of gloves or hose, or a piece of goods,
+up their sleeves, in their bosoms, pockets, or under their shawls. Be
+careful, Henry--Jeems, I should say," said Cheatum.
+
+Being duly rehearsed, Jeremiah Bumps went to work. The first customer he
+had was a little girl, who bought a yard of ribbon for ninepence, and
+Jeremiah not only stretched seven-eighths of a yard into a full yard,
+but made twelve cents go for a ninepence, which _feat_ brought down the
+vials of wrath of the child's mother, a burly old Scotch woman, who
+"tongue-lashed" poor Jeremiah awfully! His next adventure was the sale
+of a dress pattern of sixpenny de-laine, which he _warranted_ to contain
+all the perfections known to the best article, and in dashing his
+vigorous scissors through the fabric, he caught them in the folds of a
+dozen silk handkerchiefs on the counter, and ripped them all into
+slitters! The young woman who took the dress pattern, upon reaching
+home, found it contained but eight yards, when she paid for nine. She
+came back, and Jeremiah Bumps got another bombasting! He sold fourpenny
+calico, and warranted it to wash; next day it came back, and an old lady
+with it; the colors and starch were all out, by dipping it in water, and
+the woman went on so that Cheatum was glad to refund her money to get
+rid of her. Two dashing young ladies, out "shopping" for their own
+diversions, gave Jeremiah a call; he labored hand and tongue, he hauled
+down and exhibited Cheatum's entire stock; the girls then were leaving,
+saying they would "call again," and Jeremiah very amiably said, "do,
+ladies, do; call again, _like to secure your custom!_" The young ladies
+took this as an insult. Their big brothers waited on Mr. Bumps, and
+nothing short of his humble apologies saved him from enraged cowhides!
+Jeremiah saw a suspicious woman enter the store, and after overhauling a
+box of gloves, he thought he saw her _pocket a pair_. He intercepted the
+lady as she was going out--he grabbed her by the pocket--the lady
+resisted--Jeremiah held on--the lady fainted, and Jeremiah Bumps nearly
+tore her dress off in pulling out the gloves! The lady proved to be the
+wife of a distinguished citizen, and the gloves purchased at another
+store! A lawsuit followed, and Mr. Bumps was fined $100, and sent to the
+House of Correction for sixty days.
+
+How many new clerks Nebuchadnezzar Cheatum has put through since, we
+know not; but Jeremiah Bumps is now engaged in the practical science of
+agriculture, and shudders at the idea of a young man from the country
+being _wanted_ in a dry goods shop, if they have got to see the elephant
+that he _observed--in Boston_.
+
+
+
+
+Presence of Mind.
+
+
+Mr. Davenport--the "Ned Davenport" of the Bowery boys--before sailing
+for Europe and while attached to the Bowery Theatre, was of the lean and
+hungry kind. In fact he was extremely lean--tall as a may-pole, and
+slender enough to crawl through a greased _fleute_,--to use a yankeeism.
+
+Somebody "up" for Shylock one night, at the Bowery, was suddenly
+"indisposed" or, in the strongest probability, quite stupefied from the
+effect of the deadly poisons retailed in the numerous groggeries that
+really swarm near the Gotham play-houses. Well, Mr. Davenport--a
+gentleman who has reached a most honorable position in his profession by
+sobriety and talent--was substituted for the indisposed _Shylock_, and
+the play went on.
+
+In the trial scene, Mr. Davenport really "took down the house" by his
+vehemence, and his ferocious, lean, and hungry aspirations for the pound
+of flesh! One of the b'hoys, so identical with the B'ow'ry pit, got
+quite worked up; he twisted and squirmed, he chewed his cud, he stroked
+his "soap-lock," but, finally, wrought up to great presence of
+mind,--our lean Shylock still calling for his pound of flesh,--roars
+out;--
+
+"S'ay, look a' here,--_why don't you give skinny de meat, don't you see
+he wants it, sa-a-a-y!_"
+
+We very naturally infer that "the piece" _went off with a rush!_
+
+
+
+
+The Skipper's Schooner.
+
+
+No better specimen of the genus, genuine Yankee nation, can be found,
+imagined or described, than the skippers of along shore, from
+Connecticut river to Eastport, Maine. These critters give full scope to
+the Hills and Hacketts of the stage, and the Sam Slicks and
+Falconbridges of the press, to embody and sketch out in the broadest
+possible dialect of Yankee land. One of these "tarnal critters," it is
+my purpose to draw on for my brief sketch, and I wish my readers to do
+me the credit to believe that for little or no portion of my yarn or
+language am I indebted to fertility of imagination, as the incidents are
+real, and quite graphic enough to give piquancy to the subject.
+
+Last spring, just after the breaking up of winter, a down-east smack or
+schooner, freighted with cod-fish and potatoes, I believe, rounded off
+Cape Ann light, and owing to head winds, or some other perversity of a
+nautical nature, could no further go; so the skipper and his crew--one
+man, green as catnip--made for an anchorage, and hove the "hull consarn"
+to. Here they lay, and tossed and chafed, at their moorings, for a day
+or two, without the slightest indication on the part of the weather to
+abate the nuisance. So the commander of the schooner got in his little
+"dug-out," and giving the aforesaid crew special injunctions to keep all
+fast, he pulled off to shore to take a look around.
+
+Now, it so fell out that in the course of a few hours' time after the
+departure of the skipper, a snorting east wind sprang up, and not only
+blew great guns, but chopped up a short, heavy sea, perfectly
+astonishing and alarming to Hezekiah Perkins, in the rolling and
+pitching schooner. It was Hez's first attempt at seafaring; and this
+sort of reeling and waltzing about, as a matter of course, soon
+discomboberated his bean basket, and set his head in a whirl and dancing
+motion--better conceived by those who have seen the sea elephant than
+described. Hez got dea-a-athly sick, so sick he could not budge from the
+stern sheets, where he had taken a squat in the early commencement of
+his difficulties. In the mean time, the skipper came down to the beach
+and hailed the victim:
+
+"Hel-LO! hel-LO!"
+
+Hez feebly elevated his optics, and looking to the windward, where stood
+his noble captain, he made an effort to say over something:
+
+"Wha-a-t ye-e-e want?"
+
+"What do I want? Why, yeou pesky critter, yeou, go for'ard thar and hist
+the jib, take up the anchor, put your helm a-lee, and beat up to town!"
+
+This was all very well, provided the skipper was there to superintend,
+manage and carry out his voluble orders; but as the surf prevented him
+from coming on board, and the lightness of Hez's head militated against
+the almost superhuman possibility of carrying out the skipper's orders,
+things remained _in statu quo_, the skipper ashore, and Hez fervently
+wishing he was too.
+
+"Ain't you a-going to stir round there, and save the vessel?" bawled the
+excited captain.
+
+"How on airth," groaned the horror-stricken mariner, "how on airth am I
+to help it?"
+
+"Wall, by Columbus, she'll go clean ashore, or blow eout to sea afore
+long, sure as death!" responded the skipper; and before he had fairly
+concluded his augury, sure enough, the halser parted, the schooner slew
+round and made a bee-line _for Cowes and a market!_ This rather brought
+Hezekiah to his oats--he riz, tottering and feeble, on his shaky pins,
+and crawled forward to get up the jib.
+
+"O ye-s, now yeou're coming about it, yes, yeou be," bawled the almost
+frantic skipper, as the distance between him and his vessel was
+increasing. "Put her abeout and head her up the ba-a-y!" But it was no
+kind of use in talking, for Hezekiah could not raise the jib; and his
+imperfect nautical knowledge, under such a snarl, completely bewildered
+and disgusted him with the prospect. So saying over the seven
+commandments and other serious lessons of youth, Hezekiah resigned
+himself to the tumultuous elements, and concluded it philosophical and
+scriptural resignation to let Providence and the old schooner fix out
+the programme just as they might. It is commonly reported, that our
+mackerel catchers, when a storm or gale overtakes them on the briny
+deep, lash all fast and go below, turn in and let their smacks rip along
+to the best of their knowledge and ability. They seldom founder or get
+severely scathed; and these facts, or perfect indifference, having
+entered the head of Hezekiah Perkins, he became perfectly unconcerned as
+to future developments. Night coming on, the skipper saw his schooner
+fast departing out to sea, and when she was no longer to be seen, he
+made tracks for Boston, to report the melancholy facts to the owners of
+the vessel and cargo, and see about the insurance.
+
+Next morning, the skipper having discovered that the insurance was safe,
+he found himself in better spirits; so he walked down along the wharves,
+to take a look out upon the bay and shipping--when lo, and behold, he
+sees a vessel so amazingly like his Two Pollies, that he could not
+refrain from exclaiming:
+
+"Hurrah! hurrah! By Christopher Columbus--if thar don't come my old
+beauty and Hez Perkins, too--hurrah!"
+
+The overjoyed skipper went off into a double hornpipe on a single
+string; and as the veritable schooner came booming saucily up the bay
+before a spanking breeze, with her jib spread, the skipper called out in
+a voice of thunder and gladness:
+
+"Hel-lo! Hez Perkins, is that yeou?"
+
+"Hel-lo! Cap'n, I'm coming, by pumpkins! Clear the track for the Two
+Pollies!" And putting her head in among the smacks of Long Wharf, Hez
+let her rip and smash chock up fast and tight. When the captain landed
+on his own deck, he rushed into the arms of his brave mate Hezekiah, and
+they had a regular fraternal hug all round--and Hezekiah Perkins, in
+behalf of his wonderful skill, perseverance and luck, was unanimously
+voted first mate of the Two Pollies on the spot. It appeared that a
+change of wind during the night had driven the wandering vessel back
+into the bay, and Hezekiah, having got over his sick spell by daylight,
+crawled forward, got up the jib, and actually made the wharf, as we have
+described.
+
+
+
+
+Philosophy of the Times.
+
+
+The philosophy of the present age is peculiarly the philosophy of
+outsides. Few dive deeper into the human breast than the bosom of the
+shirt. Who could doubt the heart that beats beneath a cambric front? or
+who imagine that hand accustomed to dirty work which is enveloped in
+white kid? What Prometheus was to the physical, the tailor is to the
+moral man--the one made human beings out of clay, the other cuts
+characters out of broadcloth. Gentility is, with us, a thing of the
+goose and shears.
+
+
+
+
+The Emperor and the Poor Author.
+
+ "The pen is mightier than the sword."
+
+
+Great men are not the less liable or addicted to very small, and very
+mean, and sometimes very _rascally acts_, but they are always fortunate
+in having any amount of panegyric graven on marble slabs, shafts and
+pillars, o'er their dust, and eulogistic and profound histories written
+in memories of the deeds of renown and glory they have executed. An
+American 74-gun ship would hardly float the mountains of _tomes_ written
+upon Bonaparte and his brilliant career, as a soldier and a conqueror;
+but how precious few, insignificant pages do we ever see of the
+misdeeds, tyrannies and acts of petty and contemptuous meanness so great
+a man was guilty of! Why should authors and orators be so reluctant to
+tell the truth of a great man's follies and crimes, seeing with what
+convenience and fluency they will _lie_ for him? We contend, and shall
+contend, that a truly great man cannot be guilty of a small act, and
+that one contemptible or atrocious manifestation in man, is enough to
+sully--tarnish the brightness of a dozen brilliant deeds; but
+apparently, the accepted notion is--_vice versa_.
+
+In 1830, there lived in the city of Philadelphia, a barber, a poor,
+harmless, necessary barber. His antique, or most curious costume,
+attracted much attention about the vicinity in which he lived, and no
+doubt added somewhat to the custom of his shop, itself a _bijou_ as
+curious almost as the proprietor. But as our story has but little to do
+with the queer outside of the _barber_ or his _shop_, and we do not now
+purpose a whole history of the man, we shall at once proceed to the pith
+of our subject--the Emperor and the poor Author, or Napoleon and his
+Spies--and in which our aforesaid Philadelphia barber plays a
+conspicuous part.
+
+Some of the writers, a few of those partially daring enough to give an
+impartial _expose_ of the history of the Bonapartean times, seem to
+think that Napoleon committed a great error in his accession to the
+throne, by doubting the stability of his reign, and having pursued
+exactly measures antipodean to those necessary to seat him firmly in the
+hearts of the people, and cement the foundation of his newly-acquired
+power. But we don't think so; the means by which he obtained the giddy
+height, to a comprehensive mind like his, at once suggested the
+necessity of vigilance, promptness, and unflinching execution of
+whatever act, however tyrannous or heartless it might have been, his
+unsleeping mind suggested--
+
+ "Crowns got with blood, by blood must be maintained."
+
+Jealous and suspicious, he sought to shackle public opinion--the fearful
+hydra to all ambitious aspirants--to know all _secrets_ of the time and
+states, and render one half of the great nations he held in his grasp
+spies upon the other! The most profligate principles of Machiavel sink
+into obscurity when contrasted with the Imperial _Espionage_ of
+Napoleon. When no longer moving squadrons in the tented field--whole
+armies, like so many pieces of chess in the hands of a dexterous
+player--he sat upon his throne, reclined upon his lounge or smoked in
+his bath, organized and moved the most difficult and dangerous forces in
+the world--_an army of Spies!_
+
+All ages, from that of infancy to decrepitude--all conditions of life,
+from peer to parvenu--from plough to the anvil--pulpit to the
+bar--orators and beggars, soldiers and sailors, male and female of every
+grade--men of the most insinuating address, and women of the most
+seductive ages and loveliness, grace and beauty were enlisted and
+trained to serve--in what the pot-bellied, bald-headed little monster of
+war used to call his _Cytherian Cohort!_ Snares set by these imperial
+policemen were difficult to avoid, from the almost utter impossibility
+of suspicioning their presence or power.
+
+In 1808, a learned Italian, noble by birth, in consequence of the
+movements and _executions_ of Napoleon, found it prudent to shave off
+his moustache and titles, and change the scene of his future life, as
+well as change his name. A master of languages and a man of mind, he
+sought the learned precincts of Leipsic, Germany, where he preserved his
+incognito, though he was not long in winning the grace, and other
+considerations due enlarged intellect, from those not lacking that
+invaluable commodity themselves. Herr Beethoven--the new title of our
+Italian "mi lord"--conceived the project of convincing the mighty
+Emperor--the hero of the sword--that so little a javelin as the pen
+could puncture the _sac_ containing all _his_ great pretensions, and let
+the vapor out; in short, to show the conqueror, that the pen _was_
+mightier than his magic sword. Beethoven purposed writing a pamphlet
+_memorial_, involving the bombastic pretensions, the gigantic
+extravagance and arrogant ambition of Bonaparte. The man of letters well
+knew the ground upon which he was to tread, the danger of ambushed foes,
+involving such a _brochure_, and the caution necessary with which he was
+to produce his work. But Beethoven felt the necessity of the production;
+he possessed the power to execute a great benefit to his fellow man, and
+he determined to wield it and take the chances. Though scarcely giving
+breath to his project--guarding each page of his writing as vigilantly
+as though they were each blessed with the enchantment of a
+_Koh-i-Noor_--a mysterious agency discovered the fact--Napoleon shook
+in his royal boots, and swore in good round French, when the following
+missive reached his royal eye:--
+
+ _Sire(!)_--A plot is brewing against your peace; the safety of your
+ throne is menaced by a villainous scribe. My informant, who has
+ read the manuscripts, informs me that he has never seen any thing
+ better or more imposing, and ingenious in argument and force, than
+ the fellow's appeal to all the crowned heads and people of Europe.
+ It is calculated to carry an irresistible conviction of the wrongs
+ they suffer from your imperial majesty to every breast. These
+ manuscripts are fraught with more danger to your Imperial Majesty's
+ Empire, than all the hostile bayonets in the world combined against
+ you, Sire.
+
+ Leipsic, 1808. Baron De----.
+
+Here was a hot shot dangling over the magazines of the mighty man, and
+the "little corporal" jumped into his boots, and began to set the wheels
+of his great "expediency" in motion. A message flew here, and another
+there; a dispatch to this one, and a royal order to that one. A dozen
+secretaries, and a score of _amanuensises_ were instantly at work, and
+the alarmed "Emperor of all the French" fairly beat the _reveille_ upon
+his diamond-cased snuff box; while, with the rapidity of the clapper of
+an alarm bell, he issued to each the oral order to which they were to
+lend enchantment by their rapid quills.
+
+Herr Beethoven was surprised in his very closet! Papers were found
+scattered all over his little sanctum--the spies had him and his
+effects, most promptly; but what was the rage and disappointment of the
+emissaries of the wily monarch, to find neither hair nor hide of the
+dreaded _fiat!_ Had it gone forth? Was it secreted? Was it written?
+
+They had the _man_, but his flesh and blood were as valueless as a
+pebble to a diamond, contrasted with the witchery of the _words_ he had
+invested a few sheets of simple paper with! They searched his
+clothes--tore up his bed, broke up his furniture, powdered his few
+pieces of statuary, but all in vain--the sought for, dreaded, and hated
+documents, for which his _Imperial highness_ would have secretly given
+ten--twenty--fifty thousand _louis_--was not to be found! The rage of
+the inquisitors was terrific--showing how well they were chosen or paid,
+to serve in their atrocious capacities. The poor scribe was promised all
+manner of unpleasant _finales_, cursed, menaced, and finally coaxed.
+
+"I have written nothing--published nothing, nor do I intend to write or
+publish anything," was Beethoven's reply.
+
+"Speak fearlessly," said the chief of the inquisitors, "and rely upon a
+generous monarch's benevolence. My commission, sir, is limited to
+ascertain whether poverty has not compelled you to write; if that be the
+case, speak out; place any price upon your work--the price is nothing--I
+will pay you at once and destroy your documents."
+
+"Your offers, sir," responded the poor author, "are most kind and
+liberal, and I regret extremely that it is _not_ in my power to avail
+myself of them. I again declare, sir, that I have never written anything
+against the French government--your information to the contrary is false
+and wicked."
+
+The spies, finding they could not gain any information of the author, by
+threat or bribe, carried him to France, where his doom was supposed to
+be sealed in torture and death, in the _Bastile_ of the Emperor.
+
+But where was this fearful manuscript--this dreaded scribbling of the
+God-forsaken, poor, forlorn author? The emissaries of his serene
+highness had the blood, bones, and body of the wretched scribe, but
+where was that they feared more than all the warlike forces of a million
+of the best equipped forces of Europe--the paltry paper pellets of a
+scholar's brain--the _memorial_ to the crowned heads, and people of the
+several shivering monarchies of continental Europe?
+
+A few brief hours--not two days--before the _pseudo_ Herr Beethoven was
+honored by the special considerations and attentions of the Emperor of
+all the French--the conqueror of a third, at least, of the civilized
+world--he had conceived suspicions of a man to whom in the _most
+profound confidence_ he had revealed a slight whisper of his
+projects--impressed with the foreshadowing that a mysterious _something_
+dangerous was about to menace him, he made way with the manuscripts, to
+which his soul clung as too dear and precious to be destroyed--he gave
+them to the charge of a tried friend--and before the _Cytherian Cohort_
+were upon the threshold of the author, his _memorial_ was snugly
+ensconced in the obscure and remote secretary of a gentleman and a man
+of letters, in the renowned city of Prague. The alarm and friend's
+appearance seemed most opportune--for an hour after the visitation of
+the one, the other was at hand--the documents transferred and on their
+way to their place of refuge.
+
+But difficult was the stepping-stone to Napoleon's greatness--the more
+the mystery of the manuscripts augmented--the more enthusiastic became
+his research--the more formidable appeared the necessity of grasping
+them; and the determination, at all hazards, to clutch them, before they
+served their purpose!
+
+"Bring me the manuscripts"--was the _fiat_ of the Emperor: "I care not
+_how_ you obtain them--get them, _bring them here_; and mark you, let
+neither money, danger nor fatigue, oppose my will. Hence--bring the
+manuscripts!"
+
+Again Leipsic was invested by the _Cytherian Cohort_ of the modern
+Alexander; the rival of Hannibal, the great little commandant of the
+most warlike nation of the earth. The Baron ----, who was master of
+ceremonies in this great enterprise, now arrested the secret agent who
+had given the information of the existence of the _memorial_. This
+wretch had received five hundred crowns for his espionage and
+treachery. His fee was to be quadrupled if his atrocious information
+proved correct; so dear is the mere foreshadowing of ill news to
+vaunting ambition and quaking imposters. Bengert, the German spy, was
+sure of the genuineness of his information--he was much astonished that
+the Baron had not seized the _memorial_, as well as the body of the
+hapless author. The Baron and the treacherous German conferred at
+length; an idea seemed to strike the spy.
+
+"I have it," he exclaimed, a few days before his arrest. "I saw a friend
+visit Beethoven; I know they both entertained the same sentiments in
+regard to the Emperor--_that man has the manuscripts_."
+
+Where was that man? It was finding the needle in the hay stack--_the_
+pebble in the brook. Again the Emperor urged, and the _Cytherian Cohort_
+plied their cunning and perseverance. That _friend_ of the poor author
+was found--he was tilling his garden, surrounded by his flower pots and
+children, on the outskirts of Prague, Bohemia. It was in vain he
+questioned his captors. He dropped his gardening implements--blessed his
+children--kissed them, and was hurried off, he knew not whither or
+wherefore! Shaubert was this man's name; he was forty, a widower--a
+scholar, a poet--liberally endowed by wealth, and loved the women!
+
+It was Baron ----'s province to find out the weak points of each victim.
+
+"If he has a _particular_ regard for _poetry_, he does love the fine
+arts," quoth the Baron, "and women are the queens of _fine arts_. I'll
+have him!"
+
+In the secret prison of Shaubert he found an old man, confined for--he
+could not learn what. Every day, the yet youthful and most fascinating,
+voluptuous and beautiful daughter of the old man, visited his cell,
+which was adjoining that of Shaubert's. As she did so, it was not long
+before she found occasion to linger at the door of the widower, the
+poet--and sigh so piteously as to draw from the victim, at first a holy
+poem, and at length an amative love lay. Like fire into tow did this
+effusion of the poet's quill inflame the breast and arouse the passions
+of the lovely Bertha; and in an obscure hour, after pouring forth the
+soul's burden of most vehement love, the angel in woman's form(!), with
+implements as perfect as the very jailor's, opened all the bolts and
+bars, and led the captive forth to liberty! She would have the poet who
+had entranced her, fly and leave her to her fate! But _poetry_ scorned
+such dastardy--it was but to brave the uncertainty of fate to stay, and
+torture to go--Bertha must fly with him. She had a father--could she
+leave him in bondage? No! She had rescued her lover--she braved
+more--released her parent in the next hour, by the same mysterious
+means, and giving herself up to the tempest of love, she shared in the
+flight of the poet. In a remote section of chivalric Bohemia, they found
+an asylum. But Bertha was as yet but the deliverer from bondage, if not
+death, of her soul's idol; he, with all the warmth and gratitude of a
+dozen poets, worshipped at her feet and besought her to bless him
+evermore by sharing his fate and fortune. There was a something
+imposing, a something that brought the pearly tear to the heroic girl's
+eye and made that lovely bosom undulate with most sad emotion. The poet
+pressed her to his heart--fell at her feet, and begged that if his
+life--property--children--be the sacrifice--but let him know the secret
+at once--he was her friend--defender--lover--slave. Another sigh, and
+the spell was broken.
+
+"Why--ah! why were you a state prisoner--a _secret_ prisoner in
+the ----?"
+
+"Loved angel," answered the poet, "I scarce can tell; indeed I have not
+the merest _hint_, in my own mind, to tell me for what I was arrested
+and thrown into prison!"
+
+"Ah! sir," sighed the lovely Bertha, "I can never then wed the man I
+love--I cannot brave the dangers of an unknown fate--at some moment
+least expected, to be torn from his arms--lost to him forever!"
+
+"We can fly, dearest," suggested the poet, "we can fly to other and more
+secure lands. In the sunshine of your sweet smile, my dear Bertha,
+obscurity--poverty would be nothing."
+
+"No," said the girl, "I cannot leave my father--the land of my
+birth--home of my childhood. I that have given you liberty, may point
+out a way to deliver you from further restraint. How I learned the
+nature of your crime, ask not; I know your secret."
+
+"Ah! what mean you?"
+
+"In a foolish hour," continued the lovely Bertha, with downcast eyes and
+heaving bosom, "you impaled your generous self to save a friend--the
+friend fled--you were arrested--"
+
+"Good God!" exclaimed the poet, "Herr Beethoven----"
+
+"Gave you possession of----" she continued.
+
+"No! no! no!" interposed the affrighted poet, daring not to breathe
+"yes," even to the ear of his fair preserver.
+
+"Sir," calmly continued the girl, "I have risked my own life and liberty
+to preserve yours, I have----"
+
+"I--I know it all, dear--dearest angel, but----"
+
+"Those manuscripts," she continued, fixing her keen but melting gaze
+upon the poor victim.
+
+"Ha! manuscripts? How learned you this? No, no, it cannot be----"
+
+"It is known--I know it--I learned it from your captors; but for my
+_love_," said the girl, "mad--guilty love--your life would have been
+forfeited--your house pillaged by the emissaries of the Emperor, in
+quest of those manuscripts. While they exist, Bertha cannot be
+happy--Bertha's love must die with her--Bertha be ever miserable!"
+
+"I-a--I will--but no! no! I have no manuscripts! It is false--false!"
+exclaimed the almost distracted poet.
+
+"Herr Shaubert," said the girl, clasping the hand of the poet, and
+throwing herself at his feet, "am I unworthy your love?"
+
+"Dear, dear Bertha, do not torture me! do not, for God's sake! Rise; let
+me at your feet swear, in answer--_No!_"
+
+"Then, within four-and-twenty hours, let me grasp that hated, damned
+viper, that would gnaw the heart's core of Bertha. Give me the key of
+your misery; O! bless me--bless your Bertha; give me those accursed
+manuscripts, daggers bequeathed you by a false friend, that I may at
+once, in your presence, give them to the flames; and Bertha, the idol of
+your soul, be ever more blessed and happy!"
+
+This appeal settled the business of the poet; he walked the room,
+sighed, tore his _mouchoir_, oscillated between honor and
+temptation--the angel form and syren tongue of the woman triumphed. In
+course of a dozen hours, Bertha, the lovely, enchanting _spy_, opened
+the secret drawers of the poet's secretary, and amid carefully-packed
+literary rubbish, the dreaded _memorial_ was found--clutched with the
+eagerness of a death-reprieve to a poor felon upon the verge of
+eternity, and with the despatch of an hundred swift relays, the poor
+author's manuscripts were placed in the hands of the mighty Emperor, and
+while he read their fearful purport, and flashed with rage or grew livid
+with each scathing word of the _memorial_, he hurriedly issued his
+orders--gain to this one, sacrifice to that one; while he made the spy a
+_countess_, he ordered hideous death to the poor poet and despair and
+misery to his children.
+
+"Fly!" the monarch shouted, "search every one suspected of a hand in
+this; let them be dealt with instantly--trouble me not with detail, but
+give me sure returns. Stop not, until this viper is exterminated; egg
+and tooth; fang and scale; see it done and claim my bounty--_fly!_"
+
+That _snake_ was scotched and killed--the few brief pages of an obscure
+author that drove sleep, appetite and peace from the mighty Emperor, for
+days and nights--made busy work for his thousands of
+emissaries--scattered his gold in weighty streams--was read, cursed and
+destroyed, and all suspected as having the slightest voice or opinion in
+the secret _memorial_, met a secret fate--death or prolonged
+wretchedness.
+
+Herr Beethoven, the poor author, alone escaped; being overlooked in the
+hot pursuit of his production, and by the blunder of those having charge
+of himself and hundreds of other state prisoners--guilty or _suspected_
+opponents to the vaulting ambition and power of him that at last ended
+his own eventful career as a helpless prisoner upon an ocean isle--was
+liberated and lost no time in making his way beyond the reach of
+monarchs, tyranny and bondage. Beethoven came to America and settled in
+Philadelphia, where, in the humble capacity of an e-razer of beards and
+pruner of human mops, he eked out a reasonable existence for the residue
+of his earthly existence; few, perhaps, dreaming in their profoundest
+philosophy, that the little, eccentric-attired, grotesque-looking
+barber, who tweaked their plebeian noses and combed their caputs, once
+rejoiced in grand heraldic escutcheons upon his carriage panels as a
+veritable Count, and still later made the throne tremble beneath the
+feet of a second Alexander!
+
+But God is great, and the ways of our every-day life, full of change and
+mystery.
+
+
+
+
+The Bigger Fool, the Better Luck.
+
+
+The American "Ole Bull," young Howard, one of the most scientific
+crucifiers of the _violin_ we ever heard, gave us a call t'other day,
+and not only discoursed heavenly music upon his instrument, but gave us
+the "nub" of a few jokes worth dishing up in our peculiar style. Howard
+spent last winter in a tour over the State of _Maine_ and Canada. During
+this _cool_ excursion, he got way up among the _wood_-choppers and
+_log_-men of the Aroostook and Penobscot country. These wood-chopping
+and log-rolling gentry, according to all accounts, must be a jolly,
+free-and-easy, hard-toiling and hardy race. The "folks" up about there
+live in very primitive style; their camps and houses are very useful,
+but not much addicted to the "ornamental." Howard had a very long,
+tedious and perilous _tramp_, on foot, during a part of his
+peregrinations, and coming at last upon the settlement of the log-men,
+he laid up several days, to recuperate. In the largest log building of
+the several in the neighborhood, Howard lodged; the weather was
+intensely cold--house crowded, and wood and game plenty. After a hard
+day's toil, in snow and water, these log-men felt very much inclined, to
+sleep. A huge fire was usually left upon the hearth, after the "tea
+things" were put away, Howard gave them a _choon_ or two, and then the
+woodmen lumbered up a rude set of steps--into a capacious loft overhead,
+and there, amid the old quilts, robes, skins and straw, enjoyed their
+sound and refreshing sleep--with a slight drawback.
+
+Among these men of the woods, was a hard old nut, called and known among
+them as--_Old Tantabolus!_ He was a wiry and hardy old rooster; though
+his frosty poll spoke of the many, many years he had "been around," his
+body was yet firm and his perceptions yet clear. The old man was a grand
+spinner of yarns; he had been all around creation, and various other
+places not set down in the maps. He had been a soldier and sailor: been
+blown up and shot down: had had all the various ills flesh was heir to:
+suffered from shipwreck and indigestion: witnessed the frowns and smiles
+of fortune--especially the _frowns_; in short, according to old man
+Tantabolus's own account of himself, he had seen more ups and downs, and
+made more narrow and wonderful escapes, than Robinson Crusoe and
+Gulliver both together--with Baron Trenck into the bargain!
+
+For the first season, the old man and his narrations, being fresh and
+novel, he was quite a _lion_ among the woodmen, but now that the novelty
+had worn off, and they'd got used to his long yarns, they voted him "an
+old bore!" The old fellow smoked a tremendous pipe, with tobacco strong
+enough to give a Spaniard the "yaller fever." He would eat his supper,
+light his pipe--sit down by the fire, and spin yarns, as long as a
+listener remained, and longer. In short, Old Tantabolus would _spin_
+them all to bed, and then make their heads spin, with the clouds of
+_baccy_ smoke with which he'd fill the _ranche_.
+
+Going to bed, at length, on a bunk in a corner, the old chap would
+wheeze and snore for an hour or two, and then turning out again, between
+daybreak and midnight, Old Tantabolus would pile on a cord or two of
+fresh wood--raise a roaring fire--make the _ranche_ hot enough to roast
+an ox, then treat all hands to another _stifling_ with his old
+_calumet_, and nigger-head tobacco! Then would commence a--
+
+"A-booh! oo-_oo!_" by one of the lodgers, overhead.
+
+"Boo-oo-_ooh!_ Old Tantabolus's got that--booh-oo-oo-_oo_,--pipe of
+his'n again,--boo-oo-oo!" chimed another.
+
+"A-a-a-_chee!_ oo-oo-augh-h-h-_ch-chee!_ Cuss that--a-_chee_--pipe.
+Tantabolus, you old hoss-marine, put out that--a-_chee!_--darn'd old
+pipe!" bawled another.
+
+"A'_nand_?" was the old fellow's usual reply.
+
+"A-boo-ooh-_ooh!_" hoarse and loud as a boatswain's call, in a gale of
+wind, would be issued from the throat of an old "logger," as the
+fumigacious odor interfered with his respiratory arrangements, and then
+would follow a miscellaneous--
+
+"A-_chee_-o! Ah-_chee!_ boo-ooh-oo-_ooh!_" tapering off with divers
+curses and threats, upon Old Tantabolus and his villanous habits of
+arousing "the whole community" in "the dead watches and middle of the
+night," with heat and smoke, no flesh and blood but his own could
+apparently endure.
+
+At length, a private _caucus_ was held, and a diabolical plan set, to
+put a summary end to the grievous nuisances engendered by Old
+Tantabolus--"_let's blow him up!_"
+
+And this they agreed to do in _this_ wise. Before "retiring to rest," as
+we say in civilized _parlance_, the lodging community were in the habit
+of laying in a surplus of firewood, alongside of the capacious
+fire-place, in order--should a very common occurrence _occur_,--i. e., a
+fall of snow six to ten feet deep, and kiver things all up, the insiders
+might have wherewith to make themselves comfortable, until they could
+work out and provide more. But Old Tantabolus was in the wasteful
+practice of turning out and burning up all this extra fuel; so the
+caucus agreed to bore an inch and a quarter hole into a solid
+stick--pack it with powder--lay it among the wood, and when Old
+Tantabolus _riz_ to fire up, he'd be blowed out of the building, and
+disappear--_in a blue blaze!_ Well, poor old man, Tantabolus, quite
+unconscious of the dire explosion awaiting him, told his yarns, next
+evening, with greater _gusto_ than usual, and one after another of his
+listeners finally dropped off to _roost_, in the loft above, leaving
+the old man to go it alone--finish his pipe, stagnate the air and go to
+his bunk, which, as was his wont to do--he did. Stillness reigned
+supreme; though Old Tantabolus took his usual snooze in very apparent
+confidence, many of his no less weary companions above--watched for the
+approaching _tableaux!_ And they were gratified, to their heart's
+content, for the tableaux _came!_
+
+"Now, look out, boys!" says one, "Old _Tanty's_ about to wake up!" and
+then some dozen of the upper story lodgers, who had kept their peepers
+open to enjoy the fun, began to spread around and pull away the loose
+straw in order to get a view of the scene below. Sure enough, the old
+rooster gave a long yawn--"Aw-w-w-w-_um!_" flirted off his "kiverlids"
+and got up, making a slow move towards the fire-place, reaching which,
+he gave an extra "Aw-w-w-_um!_" knocked the ashes out of his
+pipe--filled it up with "nigger-head," dipped it in the embers, gave it
+a few whiffs, and then said:
+
+"Booh! cold mornin'; boys'll freeze, if I don't start up a good fire."
+Then he went to work to cultivate a blaze, with a few chips and light
+sticks of dry wood.
+
+"Ah, by George, old feller," says one, "you'll catch a bite, before you
+know it!"
+
+"Yes, I'm blamed if you ain't a _goner_, Old Tantabolus!" says another,
+in a pig's whisper.
+
+"There! there he's got the fire up--now look out!"
+
+"He's got the stick--"
+
+"Goin' to clap it on!"
+
+"Now it's on!"
+
+"Look out for fun, by George, look out!"
+
+"He'll blow the house up!"
+
+"Godfrey! s'pose he does?"
+
+"What an infernal _wind_ there is this morning!" says the old fellow,
+hearing the _buzz_ and indistinct whispering overhead; "guess it's
+snowin' like _sin_; I'll jist start up this fire and go out and see."
+But, he had scarcely reached and opened the door, when--"_bang-g-g!_"
+went the log, with the roar of a twelve pounder; hurling the fire, not
+only all over the lower floor, but through the upper loose
+flooring--setting the straw beds in a blaze--filling the house with
+smoke, ashes and fire! There was a general and indiscriminate _rush_ of
+the practical jokers in the loft, to make an escape from the now burning
+building; but the step-ladder was knocked down, and it was at the peril
+of their lives, that all hands jumped and crawled out of the _ranche!_
+The only one who escaped the real danger was Old Tantabolus, the
+intended victim, whose remark was, after the flurry was over--"Boys,
+arter this, _be careful how you lay your powder round!_"
+
+
+
+
+An Active Settlement.
+
+
+Gen. Houston lives, when at home, at Huntsville, Texas; the inhabitants
+mostly live, says Humboldt, Beeswax, Borax, or some of the other
+historians, by hunting. The wolves act as watchmen at night, relieved
+now and then by the Ingins, who make the wig business brisk by relieving
+straggling citizens of their top-knots. A man engaged in a quiet smoke,
+sees a deer or bear sneaking around, and by taking down his rifle, has
+steaks for breakfast, and a haunch for next day's dinner, right at his
+door. Vegetables and fruit grow naturally; flowers come up and bloom
+spontaneously. The distinguished citizens wear buck-skin trowsers,
+coon-skin hats, buffalo-skin overcoats, and alligator-hide boots. Old
+San Jacinto walked into the Senate last winter--fresh from home--with a
+panther-skin vest, and bear-skin breeches on! Great country, that
+Texas.
+
+
+
+
+A Yankee in a Pork-house
+
+
+"Conscience sakes! but hain't they got a lot of pork here?" said a
+looker-on in Quincy Market, t'other day.
+
+"Pork!" echoes a decidedly _Green_ Mountain biped, at the elbow of the
+first speaker.
+
+"Yes, I vow it's quite as-_tonishing_ how much pork is sold here and
+_et_ up by somebody," continued the old gent.
+
+"Et up?" says the other, whose physical structure somewhat resembled a
+fat lath, and whose general _contour_ made it self-evident that _he_ was
+not given much to frivolity, jauntily-fitting coats and breeches, or
+perfumed and "fixed up" barberality extravagance.
+
+"Et up!" he thoughtfully and earnestly repeated, as his hands rested in
+the cavity of his trousers pockets, and his eyes rested upon the first
+speaker.
+
+"You wern't never in Cincinnatty, _I_ guess?"
+
+"No, I never was," says the old gent.
+
+"Never was? Well, I cal'lated not. Never been _in_ a Pork-haouse?"
+
+"Never, unless you may call this a Pork-house?"
+
+"The-is? Pork-haouse?" says Yankee. "Well, I reckon not--don't
+begin--'tain't nothin' like--not a speck in a puddle to a Pork-haouse--a
+Cincinnatty Pork-haouse!"
+
+"I've hearn that they carry on the Pork business pooty stiff, out
+there," says the old gentleman.
+
+"Pooty stiff? Good gravy, but don't they? 'Pears to me, I knew yeou
+somewhere?" says our Yankee.
+
+"You might," cautiously answers the old gent.
+
+"'Tain't 'Squire Smith, of Maoun-Peelier?"
+
+"N'no, my name's Johnson, sir."
+
+"Johnson? Oh, in the tin business?"
+
+"Oh, no, I'm not _in_ business, at all, sir," was the reply.
+
+"Not? Oh,"--thoughtfully echoes Yankee. "Wall, no matter, I thought
+p'raps yeou were from up aour way--I'm from near Maoun-Peelier--State of
+Varmount."
+
+"Ah, indeed?"
+
+"Ya-a-s."
+
+"Fine country, I'm told?" says the old gent.
+
+"Ye-a-a-s, 'tis;"--was the abstracted response of Yankee, who seemed to
+be revolving something in his own mind.
+
+"Raise a great deal of wool--fine sheep country?"
+
+"'Tis great on sheep. But sheep ain't nothin' to the everlasting hog
+craop!"
+
+"Think not, eh?" said the old gent.
+
+"I swow _teu_ pucker, if I hain't seen more hogs killed, afore
+breakfast, in Cincinnatty, than would burst this buildin' clean open!"
+
+"You don't tell me so?"
+
+"By gravy, I deu, though. You hain't never been in Cincinnatty?"
+
+"I said not."
+
+"Never in a Pork-haouse?"
+
+"Never."
+
+"Wall, yeou've hearn tell--of Ohio, I reckon?"
+
+"Oh, yes! got a daughter living out there," was the answer.
+
+"Yeou don't say so?"
+
+"I have, in Urbana, or near it," said the old gent.
+
+"Urbanny! Great kingdom! why I know teu men living aout there; one's
+trading, t'other's keepin' school; may be yeou know 'em--Sampson
+Wheeler's one, Jethro Jones's t'other. Jethro's a cousin of mine; his
+fa'ther, no, his _mother_ married--'tain't no matter; my name's
+Small,--Appogee Small, and I was talkin'----"
+
+"About the hog crop, Cincinnatty Pork-houses."
+
+"Ye-a-a-s; wall, I went eout West last fall, stopped at Cincinnatty--teu
+weeks. Dreadful nice place; by gravy, they do deu business there; beats
+Salvation haow they go it on steamboats--bust ten a day and build six!"
+
+"Is it possible?" says the old gent; "but the hogs----"
+
+"Deu beat all. I went up to the Pork-haouses;--fus thing you meet is a
+string--'bout a mile long, of big and little critters, greasy and sassy
+as sin; buckets and bags full of scraps, tails, ears, snaouts and ribs
+of hogs. Foller up this line and yeou come to the Pork-haouses, and yeou
+go in, if they let yeou, and they did me, so in I went, teu an almighty
+large haouse--big as all aout doors, and a feller steps up to me and
+says he:--
+
+"'Yeou're a stranger, I s'pose?'
+
+"'Yeou deu?' says I.
+
+"'Ye-a-a-s,' says he, 'I s'pose so,' and I up and said I was.
+
+"'Wall,' says he, 'ef you want to go over the haouse, we'll send a
+feller with you!'
+
+"So I went with the feller, and he took me way back, daown stairs--aout
+in a lot; a-a-a-nd everlastin' sin! yeou should jist seen the
+hogs--couldn't caount 'em in three weeks!"
+
+"Good gracious!" exclaims the old gent.
+
+"Fact, by gravy! Sech squealin', kickin' and goin' on; sech cussin' and
+hollerin', by the fellers pokin' 'em in at one eend of the lot and
+punchin' on 'em aout at t'other! Sech a smell of hogs and fat,
+_brissels_ and hot water, I swan _teu_ pucker, I never did cal'late on,
+afore!
+
+"Wall, as fast as they driv' 'em in by droves, the fellers kept a
+craowdin' 'em daown towards the Pork-haouse; there two fellers kept a
+shootin' on 'em daown, and a hull gang of the all-firedest dirty,
+greasy-looking fellers _aout_--stuck 'em, hauled 'em daown, and afore
+yeou could say Sam Patch! them hogs were yanked aout of the
+lot--killed--scalded and scraped."
+
+"Mighty quick work, I guess," says the old gent.
+
+"Quick work? Yeou ought to see 'em. Haow many hogs deu yeou cal'late
+them fellers killed and scraped a day?"
+
+"Couldn't possibly say--hundreds, I expect."
+
+"Hundreds! Grea-a-at King! Why, I see 'em kill thirteen hundred in teu
+hours;--did, by golly!"
+
+"Yeou don't say so?"
+
+"Yes, _sir_. And a feller with grease enough abaout him to make a barrel
+of saft soap, said that when they hurried 'em up some they killed,
+scalded and scraped ten thousand hogs in a day; and when they put on the
+steam, twenty thousand porkers were killed off and cut up in a single
+day!"
+
+"I want to know!"
+
+"Yes, sir. Wall, we went into the haouse, where they scalded the
+critters fast as they brought 'em in. By gravy, it was amazin' how the
+_brissels_ flew! Afore a hog knew what it was all abaout, he was bare as
+a punkin--a hook and tackle in his _snaout_, and up they snaked him on
+to the next floor. I vow they kept a slidin' and snakin' 'em in and up
+through the scuttles--jest in one stream!
+
+"'Let's go up and see 'em cut the hogs,' says the feller.
+
+"Up we goes. Abaout a hundred greasy fellers were a hacken on 'em up. By
+golly, it was deth to particular people the way the fat and grease
+_flew!_ Two _whacks_--fore and aft, as Uncle Jeems used to say--split
+the hog; one whack, by a greasy feller with an everlasting chunk of
+sharpened iron, and the hog was quartered--grabbed and carried off to
+another block, and then a set of savagerous-lookin' chaps layed to and
+cut and skirted around;--hams and shoulders were going one way, sides
+and middlins another way; wall, I'm screwed if the hull room didn't
+'pear to be full of flying pork--in hams, sides, scraps and greasy
+fellers--rippin' and a tearin'! Daown in another place they were saltin'
+and packin' away, like sin! Daown in the other place they were frying
+aout the lard--fillin' barrels, from a regular river of fat, coming aout
+of the everlastin' biggest bilers yeou ever did see, I vow! Now, I asked
+the feller if sich hurryin' a hog through a course of spraouts helped
+the pork any, and he said it didn't make any difference, he s'pected. He
+said they were not hurryin' then, but if I would come in, some day, when
+'steam was up,' he'd show me quick work in the pork business--knock
+daown, drag aout, scrape, cut up, and have the hog in the barrel _before
+he got through squealin'!_
+
+"Hello! Say!--'Squire, gone?"
+
+The old gent was--_gone_; the _last brick_ hit him!
+
+
+
+
+German Caution
+
+
+Some ten years since, an old Dutchman purchased in the vicinity of
+Brooklyn, a snug little farm for nine thousand dollars. Last week, a lot
+of land speculators called on him to "buy him out." On asking his price,
+he said he would take "sixty tousand dollars--no less."
+
+"And how much may remain on bond and mortgage?"
+
+"Nine tousand dollars."
+
+"And why not more," replied the would-be purchasers.
+
+"Because der tam place ain't worth any more."
+
+Ain't that Dutch.
+
+
+
+
+Ben. McConachy's Great Dog Sell.
+
+
+A great many dogmas have been written, and may continue to be written,
+on dogs. Confessing, once, to a dogmatical regard for dogs, we "went in"
+for the canine race, with a zeal we have bravely outgrown; and we live
+to wonder how men--to say nothing of spinsters of an uncertain age--can
+heap money and affections upon these four-legged brutes, whose sole
+utility is to doze in the corner or kennel, terrify stray children,
+annoy horsemen, and keep wholesome meat from the stomachs of many a
+poor, starving beggar at your back gate. There is no use for dogs in the
+city, and precious little _use_ for them any where else; and as _Boz_
+says of oysters--you always find a preponderance of dogs where you find
+the most poor people. Philadelphia's the place for dogs; in the suburbs,
+especially after night, if you escape from the onslaught of the rowdies,
+you will find the dogs a still greater and more atrocious nuisance. No
+rowdy, or gentleman at large, in the _Quaker City_, feels _finished_,
+without a lean, lank, hollow dog trotting along at their heels; while
+the butchers and horse-dealers revel in a profusion of mastiffs and
+dastardly curs, perfectly astounding--to us. This brings us to a short
+and rather pithy story of a dog _sell_.
+
+Some years ago, a knot of men about town, gentlemen highly "posted up"
+on dogs, and who could talk _hoss_ and dog equal to a Lord Bentick, or
+Hiram Woodruff, or "Acorn," or Col. Bill Porter, of the "Spirit," were
+congregated in a famous resort, a place known as _Hollahan's_. A
+dog-fight that afternoon, under the "Linden trees," in front of the
+"State House," gave rise to a spirited debate upon the result of the
+battle, and the respective merits of the two dogs. Words waxed warm, and
+the disputants grew boisterously eloquent upon dogs of high and low
+degree,--dogs they had read of, and dogs they had seen; and, in fact, we
+much doubt, if ever before or since--this side of "Seven Dials" or St.
+Giles', there was a more thorough and animated discussion, on dogs,
+witnessed.
+
+An old and rusty codger, one whose outward bruises might have led a
+disciple of _Paley_ to imagine they had caused a secret enjoyment
+within, sat back in the nearest corner, towards the stove, a most
+attentive auditor to the thrilling debate. Between his outspread feet, a
+dog was coiled up, the only indifferent individual present, apparently
+unconcerned upon the subject.
+
+"Look here," says the old codger, tossing one leg over t'other, and
+taking an easy and convenient attitude of observation; "look here, boys,
+you're talkin' about _dogs!_"
+
+"Dogs?" says one of the most prominent speakers.
+
+"Dogs," echoes the old one.
+
+"Why, yes, daddy, we are talking about dogs."
+
+"What do you know about _dogs?_" says a full-blown _Jakey_, looking
+sharply at the old fellow.
+
+"Know about _dogs?_"
+
+"A' yes-s," says _Jakey_. "I bet dis five dollars, ole feller, you don't
+know a Spaniel from a butcher's _cur!_"
+
+"Well," responds the old one, transposing his legs, "may be I _don't_,
+but it's _my_ 'pinion you'd make a sorry _fiste_ at best, if you had
+tail and ears a little longer!"
+
+This _sally_ amused all but the young gentleman who "run wid de
+machine," and attracted general attention towards the old man, in whose
+eyes and wrinkles lurked a goodly share of mother wit and shrewdness.
+_Jakey_ backing down, another of the by-standers put in.
+
+"Poppy, I expect you know what a good dog is?"
+
+"I reckon, boys, I orter. But I'm plaguy dry listening to your dog
+talk--confounded dry!"
+
+"What'll you drink, daddy?" said half a dozen of the dog fanciers,
+thinking to wet the old man's whistle to get some fun out of him.
+"What'll you drink?--come up, daddy."
+
+"Sperrets, boys, good old sperrets," and the old codger drank; then
+giving his lips a wipe with the back of his hand, and drawing out a
+long, deep "ah-h-h-h!" he again took his seat, observing, as he
+partially aroused his ugly and cross-grained mongrel--
+
+"Here's a _dog_, boys."
+
+"That your dog, dad?" asked several.
+
+"That's my dog, boys. He _is_ a dog."
+
+"Ain't he, tho'?" jocularly responded the dog men.
+
+"What breed, daddy, do you call that dog of yours?" asked one.
+
+"Breed? He ain't any breed, _he_ ain't. Stand up, Barney, (jerking up
+the sneaking-looking thing.) He's no breed, boys; look at him--see his
+tushes; growl, Barney, growl!--Ain't them tushes, boys? He's no breed,
+boys; _he's original stock!_"
+
+"Well, so I was going to say," says one.
+
+"That dog," says another, "must be valuable."
+
+"Waluable?" re-echoes the old man; "he is all that, boys; I wouldn't
+sell him; but, boys, I'm dry, dry as a powder horn--so much talkin'
+makes one dry."
+
+"Well, come up, poppy; what'll you take?" said the boys.
+
+"Sperrets, boys; good old sperrets. I do like good sperrets, boys, and
+that sperrets, Mister (to the ruffled-bosomed bar-keeper), o' your'n is
+like my dog--_can't be beat!_"
+
+"Well, daddy," continued the dog men, "where'd you get your dog?"
+
+"That dog," said the old fellow, again giving his mouth a back-hander,
+and his "ah-h-h!" accompaniment; "well, I'll tell you, boys, all about
+it."
+
+"Do, poppy, that's right; now, tell us all about it," they cried.
+
+"Well, boys, 'd any you know Ben. McConachy, out here at the Risin' Sun
+Tavern?"
+
+"We've heard of him, daddy--go on," says they.
+
+"Well, I worked for Ben. McConachy, one winter; he was a pizen mean man,
+but his wife--wasn't she mean? Why, boys, she'd spread all the bread
+with butter afore we sat down to breakfast; she'd begin with a quarter
+pound of butter, and when she'd got through, she had twice as much
+left."
+
+"But how about the dog, daddy? Come, tell us about your _dog_."
+
+"Well, yes, I'll tell you, boys. You see, Ben. McConachy owned this dog;
+set up, Barney--look at his ears, boys--great, ain't they? Well, Ben's
+wife was mean--meaner than pizen. She hated this dog; she hated any
+thing that _et_; she considered any body, except her and her daughter (a
+pizen ugly gal), that et three pieces of bread and two cups of coffee at
+a meal, _awful!_"
+
+"Blow the old woman; tell us about the _dog_, poppy," said they.
+
+"Now, I'm coming to the pint--but, Lord! boys, I never was so dry in my
+life. I am dry--plaguy dry," said the old one.
+
+"Well, daddy, step up and take something; come," said the dog men; "now
+let her slide. How about the _dog?_"
+
+"Ah-h-h-h! that's great sperrets, boys. Mister (to the bar-keeper), I
+don't find such sperrets as that _often_. Well, boys, as you're anxious
+to hear about the dog, I'll tell you all about him. You see, the old
+woman and Ben. was allers spatten 'bout one thing or t'other, and
+'specially about this dog. So one day Ben. McConachy hears a feller
+wanted to buy a good dog, down to the _drove yard_, and he takes
+Barney--stand up, Barney--see that, boys; how quick he minds! Great dog,
+he is. Well, Ben. takes Barney, and down he goes to the _drove yard_. He
+met the feller; the feller looked at the dog; he saw Barney _was_ a
+dog--he looked at him, asked how old he was; if that was all the dog
+Ben. owned, and he seemed to like the dog--but, boys, I'm gittin'
+dry--_rotted dry_--"
+
+"Go on, tell us all about the dog, then we'll drink," says the boys.
+
+"'Well,' says Ben. McConachy to the feller, 'now, make us an offer for
+him.' Now, what do you suppose, boys, that feller's first offer was?"
+
+The boys couldn't guess it; they guessed and guessed; some one price,
+some another, all the way from five to fifty dollars--the old fellow
+continuing to say "No," until they gave it up.
+
+"Well, boys, I'll tell you--that feller, after looking and looking at
+Ben. McConachy's dog, tail to snout, half an hour--_didn't offer a red
+cent for him!_ Ben. come home in disgust and give the dog to me--there
+he is. Now, boys, we'll have that sperrets."
+
+But on looking around, the boys had cut the pit--_mizzled!_
+
+
+
+
+The Perils of Wealth
+
+
+Money is admitted to be--there is no earthly use of dodging the
+fact--the lever of the whole world, by which it and its multifarious
+cargo of men and matters, mountains and mole hills, wit, wisdom, weal,
+woe, warfare and women, are kept in motion, in season and out of season.
+It is the arbiter of our fates, our health, happiness, life and death.
+Where it makes one man a happy _Christian_, it makes ten thousand
+miserable _devils_. It is no use to argufy the matter, for money is the
+"root of all evil," more or less, and--as Patricus Hibernicus is
+supposed to have said of a single feather he reposed on--if a dollar
+gives some men so much uneasiness, what must a million do? Money has
+formed the basis of many a long and short story, and we only wish that
+they were all imbued, as our present story is, with--more irresistible
+mirth than misery. Lend us your ears.
+
+Not long ago, one of our present well-known--or ought to be, for he is a
+man of parts--business men of Boston, resided and carried on a small
+"trade and dicker" in the city of Portland. By frugal care and small
+profits, he had managed to save up some six hundred dollars, all in
+_halves_, finding himself in possession of this vast sum of hard cash,
+he began to conceive a rather insignificant notion of _small cities_;
+and he concluded that Portland was hardly big enough for a man of his
+pecuniary heft! In short, he began to feel the importance of his
+position in the world of finance, and conceived the idea that it would
+be a sheer waste of time and energy to stay in Portland, while with
+_his_ capital, he could go to Boston, and spread himself among the
+millionaires and hundred thousand dollar men!
+
+"Yes," said B----, "I'll go to Boston; I'd be a fool to stay here any
+longer; I'll leave for bigger timber. But what will I do with my money?
+How will I invest it? Hadn't I better go and take a look around, before
+I conclude to move? My wife don't know I've got this money," he
+continued, as he mused over matters one evening, in his sanctum; "I'll
+not tell her of it yet, but say I'm just going to Boston to see how
+business is there in my line; and my money I'll put in an old cigar box,
+and--"
+
+ * * * * *
+
+B---- was all ready with his valise and umbrella in his hand. His
+"good-bye" and all that, to his wife, was uttered, and for the tenth
+time he charged his better half to be careful of the fire, (he occupied
+a frame house,) see that the doors were all locked at night, and "be
+sure and fasten the cellar doors."
+
+B---- had got out on to the pavement, with no time to spare to reach the
+cars in season; yet he halted--ran back--opened the door, and in evident
+concern, bawled out to his wife--
+
+"Caddie!"
+
+"Well?" she answered.
+
+"Be sure to fasten the alley gate!"
+
+"Ye-e-e-e-s!" responded the wife, from the interior of the house.
+
+"And whatever you do, _don't forget them cellar doors_, Caddie!"
+
+"Ye-e-e-e-s!" she repeated, and away went B----, lickety split, for the
+Boston train.
+
+After a general and miscellaneous survey of modern Athens, B---- found
+an opening--a good one--to go into business, as he desired, upon a
+liberal scale; but he found vent for the explosion of one very
+hallucinating idea--his six hundred dollars, as a cash capital, was a
+most infinitesimal _circumstance_, a mere "flea bite;" would do very
+well for an amateur in the cake and candy, pea-nut or vegetable
+business, but was hardly sufficient to create a sensation among the
+monied folks of Milk street, or "bulls" and "bears" on 'change. However,
+this realization was more than counter-balanced by another
+fact--"confidence" was a largely developed _bump_ on the business head
+of Boston, and if a man merely lacked "means," yet possessed an
+abundance of good business qualifications--spirit, energy, talent and
+tact--they were bound to see him through! In short, B----, the great
+Portland capitalist, found things about right, and in good time, and in
+the best of spirits, started for home, determining, in his own mind, to
+give his wife a most pleasant surprise, in apprizing her of the fact
+that she was not only the wife of a man with six hundred silver dollars,
+and about to move his _institution_--but the better half of a gentleman
+on the verge of a new campaign as a Boston business man.
+
+"Lord! how Caroline's eyes will snap!" said B----; "how she'll go in;
+for she's had a great desire to live in Boston these five years, but
+thinks I'm in debt, and don't begin to believe I've got them six hundred
+all hid away down----. But I'll surprise her!"
+
+B---- had hardly turned his corner and got sight of his house, with his
+mind fairly sizzling with the pent-up joyful tidings and grand surprise
+in store for Mrs. B., when a sudden change came over the spirit of his
+dream! As he gazed over the fence, by the now dim twilight of fading
+day, he thought--yes, he did see fresh earthy loose stones, barrels of
+lime, mortar, and an ominous display of other building and repairing
+materials, strewn in the rear of his domicil! The cellar doors--those
+wings of the subterranean recesses of his house--which he had cautioned,
+earnestly cautioned, the "wife of his bussim" to close, carefully and
+securely, were sprawling open, and indeed, the outside of his abode
+looked quite dreary and haunted.
+
+"My dear Caroline!" exclaimed B----, rushing into the rear door of his
+domestic establishment, to the no small surprise of Mrs. B., who gave a
+premature--
+
+"Oh dear! how you frightened me, Fred! Got home?"
+
+"Home? yes! don't you see I have. But, Carrie, didn't I earnestly beg of
+you to keep those doors--cellar doors--shut? fastened?"
+
+"Why, how you talk! Bless me! Keep the cellar shut? Why, there's nothing
+in the cellar."
+
+"Nothing in the cellar?" fairly howls B----.
+
+"Nothing? Of course there is not," quietly responded the wife; "there is
+nothing in the cellar; day before yesterday, our drain and Mrs. A.'s
+drain got choked up; she went to the landlord about it; he sent some
+men, they examined the drain, and came back to-day with their tools and
+things, and went down the cellar."
+
+"_Down the cellar?_" gasped B----, quite tragically.
+
+"Down _the_ cellar!" slowly repeated Mrs. B.
+
+"Give me a light--quick, give me a light, Caroline!"
+
+"Why, don't be a fool. I brought up all the things, the potatoes, the
+meat, the squashes."
+
+"P-o-o-h! blow the meat and squashes! Give me a light!" and with a
+genuine melo-drama rush, B---- seized the lamp from his wife's hand, and
+down the cellar stairs he went, four steps at a lick. In a moment was
+heard--
+
+"O-o-o-h! I'm ruined!"
+
+With a full-fledged scream, Mrs. B. dashed pell-mell down the stairs, to
+her husband. He had dropped the lamp--all was dark as a coal mine.
+
+"Fred--Frederick! oh! where are you? What have you done?" cried his
+wife, in intense agony and doubt.
+
+"Done? Oh! I'm done! yes, done now!" he heavily sighed.
+
+"Done what? how? Tell me, Fred, are you hurt?"
+
+"What on airth's the matter, thar? Are you committing murder on one
+another?" came a voice from above stairs.
+
+"Is that you, Mrs. A.?" asked Mrs. B. to the last speaker.
+
+"Yes, my dear; here's a dozen neighbors; don't get skeert. Is thare
+robbers in yer house? What on airth is going on?"
+
+This brought B---- to his proper reckoning. He ordered his wife to "go
+up," and he followed, and upon reaching the room, he found quite a
+gathering of the neighbors. He was as white as a white-washed wall, and
+the neighbors staring at him as though he was a wild Indian, or a
+chained mad dog. Importuned from all sides to unravel the mystery, B----
+informed them that he had merely gone down cellar to see what the
+masons, &c., had been doing--dropped his lamp--his wife screamed--and
+that was all about it! The wife said nothing, and the neighbors shook
+their incredulous heads, and went home; which, no sooner had they gone,
+than B---- seized his hat and cut stick for the office of a cunning,
+far-seeing limb of the law, leaving Mrs. B. in a state of mental
+agitation better imagined than described. B---- stated his case--he had
+buried six hundred dollars in a box under the _lee_ of the cellar-wall,
+and gone to Boston on business, and as if no other time would suit, a
+parcel of drain-cleaners, and masons, and laborers, must come and go
+right there and then to dig--get the six hundred dollars and clear.
+
+After a long chase, law and bother, B---- recovered half his
+money--packed up and came to Boston.--There's a case for you! Beware of
+money!
+
+
+
+
+Nursing a Legacy.
+
+
+Waiting for dead men's shoes is a slow and not very sure business;
+sometimes it pays and sometimes it don't. I know a genius who lost by
+it, and his case will bear repeating, for there is both morality and fun
+in it.
+
+Lev Smith, a native of "the Eastern shore" of Maryland, and a resident
+of a small town in the lower part of Delaware, began life on a very
+limited capital, and because of a natural disposition indigenous to the
+climate and customs of his native place--general apathy and unmitigated
+_patience_ peculiar to people raised on fish and Johnny-cake, amid the
+stunted pine swamps and sand-hills of that Lord-forsaken country--Lev
+never increased it. Lev had an uncle, an old bachelor, without "chick or
+child," and was reported to be pretty well off. Old man Gunter was
+proverbially mean, and as usual, heartily despised by one half of the
+people who knew him. He had a small estate, had lived long, and by his
+close-fisted manner of life, it was believed that Gunter had laid by a
+pretty considerable pile of the root of all evil, for something or
+somebody; and one day Lev Smith, the nephew, came to the conclusion that
+as the old man was getting quite shaky and must soon resign his
+interests in all worldly gear, _he_ would volunteer to console the
+declining years of his dear old uncle, by his own pleasant company and
+encouragement, and the old man very gladly accepted the proposals of
+Lev, to cut wood, dig, scratch and putter around his worn out and
+dilapidated farm. Uncle Gunter had but two negroes; through starvation
+and long service he had worn them about out; he had little or no
+"stock" upon his _farm_, quite as scant an assortment of utensils, few
+fences, and in fact, to any actively disposed individual, the general
+appearance and state of affairs about old Gunter's _place_ would have
+given the double-breasted blues. But Lev Smith had come to loaf and
+lounge, and not to display any very active or patriotic evolutions, so
+he was not so much disheartened by his uncle's dilapidated farm, as he
+was annoyed by the beggarly way the old man lived, and the assiduous
+desire he seemed to manifest for Lev to be stirring around, gathering
+chips, patching fences, cutting brush; from morn till night, he and the
+two superannuated cuffies; and the old man barely raising enough to keep
+soul and body of the party together.
+
+At first, the job he had undertaken proved almost too much for Lev
+Smith's constitution, but the great object in view consoled him, and the
+more he saw of the old man's meanness, the more and more he took it for
+granted that his uncle had necessarily hoarded up treasure; but, after
+three years' drudgery, Lev's courage was on the point of breaking down;
+the only stay left seemed the fact that now he had served so long a
+time, so patiently and lovingly, and the old man apparently upon his
+very last legs--it seemed a ruthless waste of his golden dreams to give
+out, so he made up his mind to--wait a little longer. Another year
+rolled on; Uncle Gunter got indeed low, and the lower he got the more
+assiduous got nephew Smith, and even the neighbors wondered how a young
+man _could_ stick on, and put up with such a miserly, mean, selfish and
+penurious old curmudgeon as old Joe Gunter. Gunter himself was apprized
+of the great indulgence and wonderful patience of his nephew, and not
+unfrequently said, in a groaning voice:
+
+"Ah, my dear Levi, you're a good boy; I wish to the Lord it was in your
+poor, miserable, wretched old uncle's distressed power to--"
+
+"Never mind, never mind, Uncle Joe," Lev would most deceitfully respond;
+"I ask nothing for myself; what I do, I _do_ willingly!"
+
+"I know, I know you do, poor boy, but your poor, old, miserable,
+wretched uncle don't deserve it."
+
+"Don't mind that, dear uncle," says Lev. "It's my duty, and I'll do it."
+
+"Good boy, good boy; your poor, old, miserable uncle will be
+grateful--we'll see."
+
+"I know that--I feel sure he will, dear Uncle Joe--and that's enough,
+_all_ I ask."
+
+"And if he don't--poor, miserable old creature,--if he don't pay you,
+the Lord will, Levi!"
+
+"And that will be all that's needed, Uncle Joe," says the humbugging
+nephew. And so they went, Lev not only waiting on the old man with the
+tender and faithful care of a good Samaritan, but out of his own slender
+resources ministering to the old man's especial comfort in many ways and
+matters which Uncle Joe would have seen him hanged and quartered before
+he would in a like manner done likewise. But the end came--the old
+fellow held on toughly; he never died until Lev's patience, hope and
+slender income were quite threadbare; so he at last went off the
+handle--Lev buried him and mourned the dispensation in true Kilkenny
+fashion.
+
+Lev Smith now awaited the settlement of Uncle Gunter's affairs in grief
+and solicitude. Another party also awaited the upshot of the matter,
+with due solemnity and expectation, and that party was Polly Williams,
+Lev's "intended," and her poor and miserly dad and marm, who knew Lev
+Smith, as they said, was a lazy, lolloping sort of a feller, but sure to
+get all that his poor, miserable uncle was worth in the world, and
+therefore, with more craft and diligence, if possible, than Lev
+practised, the Williamses set Polly's cap for Lev, and who, in turn, was
+not unmindful of the fact that Williams "had something" too, as well as
+his two children, Polly and Peter. Things seemed indeed bright and
+propitious on all sides. The day came; Lev was on hand at Squire
+Cornelius's, to hear the will read, and the estate of the deceased
+settled.
+
+As usual in such cases in the country, quite a number of the neighbors
+were on hand--old Williams, of course.
+
+"He was a queer old mortal," began the Squire.
+
+"But a good man," sobbed Lev Smith, drawing out his bandanna, and
+smothering his sharp nose in it. "A good man, 'Squire."
+
+"God's his judge," responded the Squire, and a number of the neighbors
+shook their head and stroked their beards, as if to say amen.
+
+"Joseph Gunter mout have been a good man and he mout not," continued the
+Squire; "some thinks he was not; I only say he was a queer old mortal,
+and here's his will. Last will and testament of Joseph Gunter, &c.,
+&c.," continued the Squire.
+
+"Poor, dear old man," sobbed Lev. "Poor _dear_ old man!"
+
+"Being without wife or children," continued the 'Squire.
+
+"O, dear! poor, dear old man, how _I_ shall miss him in this world of
+sorrow and sin," sobs Lev, while old Williams bit his skinny lips, and
+the neighbors again stroked their beards.
+
+"To comfort my declining years--"
+
+"Poor, _dear_ old man, he was to be pitied; I did all I could do,"
+groaned the disconsolate Lev, "but I didn't do half enough."
+
+"Passing coldly and cheerless through the world--" continued the
+'Squire.
+
+"Yes, he did, poor old man; O, dear!" says Lev.
+
+"Cared for by none, hated and shunned by all (Lev looked vacantly over
+his handkerchief, at the Squire), I have made up my mind (Lev all
+attention) that no mortal shall benefit by me; I have therefore
+mortgaged and sold (Lev's eyes spreading) everything I had of a dollar's
+value in the world, and buried the money in the earth where none but the
+devil himself can find it!"
+
+There was a general snicker and stare--all eyes on Lev, his face as
+blank as a sham cartridge, while old Williams's countenance fell into a
+concatenation of grimaces and wrinkles--language fails to describe!
+
+"But here's a codicil," says the 'Squire, re-adjusting his glasses.
+"Knowing my nephew, Levi Smith, expects something (Lev brightens up, old
+Williams grins!)--he has hung around me for a long time, expecting it
+(Lev's jaw falls), I do hereby freely forgive him his six years boarding
+and lodging, and, furthermore, make him a present of my two old negroes,
+Ben and Dinah."
+
+"The--the--the--cussed old screw," bawls old Williams.
+
+"The infernal, double and twisted, mean, contemptible, miserable old
+scoundrel!" cries poor Lev, foaming with virtuous indignation, and
+swinging his doubled up fists.
+
+"And you--you--you cussed, do-less, good for nothing, hypocritical
+skunk, you," yells old Williams, shaking his bony fingers in poor Lev's
+face, the neighbors grinning from ear to ear, "to humbug me, my wife, my
+Polly, in this yer way. Now clear yourself--take them old niggers, don't
+leave 'em here for the crows to eat--clear yourself!"
+
+Lev Smith sneaks off like a kill-sheep dog, leaving old Ben and Dinah to
+the tender mercies of a quite miserable and equally wretched
+neighborhood. Polly Williams didn't "take on" much about the matter, but
+in the course of a few weeks took another venture in love's lottery,
+and--was married. Poor Lev Smith returned to the scenes of his
+childhood, a wiser and a poorer man.
+
+
+
+
+The Troubles of a Mover.
+
+
+"Mr. Flash in?"
+
+"Mr. Flash? Don't know any such person, my son."
+
+"Why, he lives here!" continued the boy.
+
+"Guess not, my son; I live here."
+
+"Well, this is the house, for I brought the things here."
+
+"What things?" says our friend, Flannigan.
+
+"Why, the door mat, the brooms, buckets and brushes," says little
+breeches.
+
+Flannigan looks vacantly at his own door mat, for a minute, then says
+he--
+
+"Come in my man, I'll see if any such articles have come here, for us."
+
+The boy walks into the hall, amid the barricades of yet unplaced
+household effects--for Flannigan had just moved in--and Flannigan calls
+for Mrs. F. The lady appears and denies all knowledge of any such
+purchases, or reception of buckets, brooms, and little breeches clears
+out.
+
+In the course of an hour, a violent jerk at the bell announces another
+customer. Flannigan being at work in the parlor, answers the call; he
+opens the door, and there stands "a greasy citizen."
+
+"Goo' mornin'. Mr. Flash in?"
+
+"Mr. Flash? I don't know him, sir."
+
+"You don't?" says the "greasy citizen." "He lives here, got this bill
+agin him, thirty-four dollars, ten cents, per-visions."
+
+"I live here, sir; my name's Flannigan, I don't know you, or owe you, of
+course!"
+
+"Well, that's a pooty spot o' work, _any how_;" growls our greasy
+citizen, crumpling up his bill. "Where's Flash?"
+
+"I can't possibly say," says Flannigan.
+
+"You can't?"
+
+"Certainly not."
+
+"Don't know where he's gone to?" growls the butcher.
+
+"No more than the man in the moon!"
+
+"Well, he ain't goin' to dodge _me_, in no sich a way," says the
+butcher. "I'll find him, if it costs me a bullock, you may tell him
+so!--for _me!_" growls the butcher.
+
+"Tell him yourself, sir; I've nothing to do with the fellow, don't know
+him from Adam, as I've already told _you_," says Flannigan, closing the
+door--the "greasy citizen" walking down the steps muttering thoughts
+that breathe and words that burn!
+
+Flannigan had just elevated himself upon the top of the centre table, to
+hang up Mrs. F.'s portrait upon the parlor wall, when another ring was
+heard of the bell. He called to his little daughter to open the door and
+see what was wanted.
+
+"Is your fadder in, ah?"
+
+"Yes, sir, I'll call him," says the child, but before she could reach
+the parlor, a burly Dutch baker marches in.
+
+"Goot mornin', I bro't de _pills_ in."
+
+"Pills?" says Flannigan.
+
+"Yaw, for de prets," continues the baker; "nine tollars foof'ey cents. I
+vos heert you was movin', so I tink maybees you was run away."
+
+"Mistake, sir, I don't owe you a cent; never bought bread of you!"
+
+"_Vaw's!_ Tonner a' blitzen!--don't owes me!"
+
+"Not a cent!" says Flannigan, standing--hammer in hand, upon the top of
+the table.
+
+"_Vaw's!_ you goin' thrun away and sheet me, _ah_?"
+
+"Look here, my friend, you are under a mistake. I've just moved in
+here, my name's Flannigan, you never saw me before, and of course I
+never dealt with you!--don't you see?"
+
+"Tonner a' blitzen!" cries the enraged baker, "I see vat you vant, to
+sheet me out mine preet, you raskills--I go fetch the con-stabl's, de
+shudge, de sher'ffs, and I have mine mon-ney in mine hands!" and off
+rushes the enraged man of dough, upsetting the various small articles
+piled up on the bureau in the hall--by _wanging_ to the door.
+
+Poor Flannigan felt quite "put out;" he came very near dashing his
+hammer at the Dutchman's head, but hoping there was an end to the
+annoyances he kept at work, until another ring of the bell announced
+another call. The Irish girl went to the door; Flannigan listens--
+
+"Mr. Flash in?"
+
+"Yees!" says Biddy, supposing Flash and Flannigan was the same in Dutch.
+"Would yees come in, sir," and in comes the young man.
+
+"Good morning, sir," quoth he; "I've called as you requested sir, with
+the bill of that china set, &c."
+
+"Mistake, sir--I've bought no china set, lately," says Flannigan.
+
+"Isn't your name Flash, sir!"
+
+"No, sir, my name's _Flannigan_. I've just moved here."
+
+"Indeed," says the clerk. "Well, sir, where has Flash gone to, do you
+know."
+
+"Gone to be hanged! I trust, for I've been bothered all this morning by
+persons that scoundrel appears to owe. He moved out of here, day before
+yesterday; I took his unexpired term of the lease of this dwelling,
+having noticed it advertised, gave the fellow a bonus for his lease, and
+he cleared for California, I believe."
+
+This concise statement appeared to satisfy the clerk that his "firm" was
+_done_, and the young man and _his_ bill stepped out. Another _ring_,
+and Flannigan opens the door; two men wanted to see Mr. Flash; he had
+been buying some tin-ware of one, and the other he owed for putting up a
+fire range in the building, and which range and accoutrements poor
+Flannigan had bought for twenty-five dollars, cash down! These gentlemen
+felt very vindictive, of course, and hinted awful strong that Flannigan
+was privy to Flash's movements; and a great deal more, until Flannigan
+losing his patience, and then his temper, ordered the men to
+vamose!--they did, giving poor Flannigan a "good blessing" as they
+walked away!
+
+The family was about to sit down to a "made-up dinner" in the back
+parlor, when the bell rang; the Irish girl answered the call, and
+returned with a bill of sundry groceries, handed in by a man at the
+door.
+
+"Tell him Mr. Flash has gone--left--don't know him, and don't want to
+know him, or have any thing to do with him or his bill!"
+
+The girl carried back the bill; presently Flannigan hears a _muss_ in
+the hall, he gets up and goes out; there was Biddy and the grocer's man
+in a high dispute. Biddy--"true to her instinct," had made a bull of her
+message by telling the man her master didn't know him; go to the divil
+wid his bill! Flannigan managed to pacify the man, and give him to
+understand that Mr. Flash was gone to parts unknown, and--the grocer, in
+common with bakers, butchers, tinners and china dealers--were _done!_
+
+But now came the tug of war; two "colored ladies" made their appearance,
+for a small bill of seven dollars, for washing and ironing the dickeys
+and fine linen of the Flashes.
+
+"An' de fac _am_," says the one, "we's bound to hab de money, _shuah!_"
+
+It did not seem to _take_ when Flannigan informed his colored friends
+that they were surely _done_, as their debtor had "cut his lucky" and
+gone!
+
+The darkies felt inclined to be _sassy_, and Flannigan closed the door,
+ordering them to create a vacancy by clearing out, and just as he closed
+the door, ring goes the bell!
+
+"Be gor," says a brawny "adopted citizen," planting his brogan upon the
+sill, as Flannigan opened the door--"I've come wid me _coz_-zin to git
+her wages, ye's owin' her!"
+
+"Me? Owe you?" cries poor Flannigan.
+
+"_Igh!_" says Paddy, trying to push his way into the hall.
+
+"Stand back, you scoundrel!" cries Flannigan.
+
+"_Scoun-thril!_" roars the outraged "adopted citizen."
+
+"Stand back, you infernal ruffian!" exclaims Flannigan, as Paddy makes a
+rush to grab him.
+
+"Give me me coz-zin's wages, ye--ye--" but here his oration drew towards
+a close, for Flannigan, no longer able to recognise virtue in
+forbearance, opened the door and planting his own huge fist between the
+_ogle-factories_ of Paddy, knocked him as stiff as a bull beef! Falling,
+Paddy carried away his red-faced burly coz-zin, and the twain tumbling
+upon the two negro women who were still at the bottom of the steps,
+dilating, to any number of lookers-on, upon the rascality of poor
+Flannigan in gouging them out of their washing bill, down went the white
+spirits and black, all in a lump.
+
+Here was a row! A mob gathered; "the people in that house" were
+denounced in all manner of ways, the negroes screamed, the Irish roared,
+the Dutch baker came up with a police-man to arrest Flannigan for
+stealing his bread! And soon the butcher arrived with another officer to
+seize the goods of Flash, supposed to be in the house--ready to be taken
+away!
+
+Such a double and twisted uproar in Dutch, Irish, Ethiopian and natural
+Yankee, was terrific!
+
+Mrs. F. fainted, the children screamed, and poor Flannigan was carried
+to the police office to answer half a cord of "charges," and reached
+home near sundown, quite exhausted, and his wallet bled for "costs,"
+fines, &c., some $20. Poor Flannigan moved again; the house had such a
+"bad name," he couldn't stay in it.
+
+
+
+
+The Question Settled.
+
+
+"Doctor" Gumbo, who "does business" somewhere along shore, met "Prof."
+_White_,--a gemman, whose complexion is four shades darker than the
+famed ace of spades,--a few evenings since, in front of the _Blade_
+office, and after the usual formalities of greeting, says the doctor--
+
+"What you tink, sah, oh dat Lobes question, what dey's makin' sich a
+debbil ob a talk about in de papers?"
+
+"Well," dignifiedly answered the professor of polish-on boots, "it's my
+'ticular opinion, sah, dat dat Lopes got into de wrong pew, brudder
+Gumbo, when he went down to Cuber for his healf!"
+
+"Pshaw! sah, I'se talkin' about de gwynna (guano) question, I is."
+
+"Well, doctor," said the professor, "I'se not posted up on de goanna
+question, no how; but, when you comes to de Cuber, or de best mode ob
+applyin' de principle ob liquid blackin' to de rale fuss-rate calfskin,
+_I'se dar!_"
+
+"O! oh!" grunts Gumbo; "professor, you'se great on de natural principles
+ob de chemical skyence, I see; but lord honey, I doos pity your
+ignorance on jography questions. So, take care ob yourself, ole
+nigger--yaw! yaw!" and they parted with the formality of two Websters,
+and half a dozen common-sized dignitaries of the nation thrown in.
+
+
+
+
+How it's Done at the Astor House.
+
+
+People often wonder how a man can manage to drink up his salary in
+liquor, provided it is sufficient to buy a gallon of the very best
+ardent every day in the year. How a fortune can be drank up, or drank
+down, by the possessor, is still a greater poser to the unsophisticated.
+Now, to be sure, a man who confines himself, in his potations, to
+fourpenny drinks of small beer, Columbian whiskey, or even that
+detestable stuff, by courtesy or custom called _French brandy_,--which,
+in fact, is generally aquafortis, corrosive sublimate, cochineal,
+logwood, and whiskey,--and don't happen to know too many drouthy
+cronies, may make a very long lane of it; but it's the easiest thing in
+the world to swallow a snug salary, income, mortgages, live stock, and
+real estate, when you know how it's done.
+
+Managing a theatre, publishing a newspaper, or keeping trained dogs or
+trotting horses, don't hardly begin to phlebotomize purse and
+reputation, like drinking.
+
+"Doctor," said a gay Southern blood, to a famed "tooth doctor," "look
+into my mouth."
+
+"I can't see any thing there, sir," says the tooth puller.
+
+"Can't? Well, that's deuced strange. Why, sir, look again; you see
+nothing!"
+
+"Nothing, sir!"
+
+"Why, sir," says the young planter, "it's most astonishing, for I've
+just finished swallowing--_three hundred negroes and two cotton
+plantations!_"
+
+Four young bucks met, some years ago, in a fashionable drinking saloon
+in Cincinnati. It was one of the most elegant drinking establishments in
+that part of the country. The young chaps belonged over in
+Kentucky--daddies rich, and they didn't care a snap! says they, let's
+have a spree! The "sham" came in, and they went at it; giving that a
+fair trial, they took a turn at sherry, hock, and a sample of all the
+most expensive stuffs the proprietors had on hand. Getting fuddled, they
+got uproarious; they kicked over the tables and knocked down the
+waiters. The landlord, not exactly appreciating that sort of "going on,"
+remonstrated, and was met by an array of pistols and knives. Mad and
+furious, the young chaps made a general onslaught on the people present,
+who "dug out" very quick, leaving the bacchanalians to their glory;
+whereupon, they fell to and fired their pistols into the mirrors,
+paintings, chandeliers, &c. Of course the watchmen came in, about the
+time the young gentlemen finished their youthful indiscretions, and
+after the usual battering and banging of the now almost inanimate bodies
+of the quartette, landed them in the calaboose. Next day they settled
+their bills, and it cost them about $2200! It was rather an expensive
+lesson, but it's altogether probable that they haven't forgotten a
+letter of it yet.
+
+A small party of country merchants, traders, &c., were cruising around
+New York, one evening, seeing the lions, and their cicerone,--by the
+way, a "native" who knew what _was_ what,--took them up Broadway, and as
+they passed the Astor House, says one of the strangers:
+
+"Smith, what's this thunderin' big house?"
+
+"O, ah, yes, this," says the cicerone, Smith, "_this_, boys, is a great
+tavern, fine place to get a drink."
+
+"Well, be hooky, let's all go in."
+
+In they all went; taking a private room or small side parlor, the
+country gents requested Smith to do the talking and order in the liquor.
+Smith called for a bill of fare, upon which are "invoiced" more "sorts"
+and harder named wines and _liquors_ than could be committed to memory
+in a week.
+
+"That's it," says Smith, marking a bill of fare, and handing it to the
+servant, "that's it--two bottles, bring 'em up."
+
+Up came the wine; it was, of course, elegant. The country gents froze to
+it. They had never tasted such stuff before, in all their born days!
+
+"Look a here, mister," says one of the "business men," "got eny more uv
+that wine?"
+
+"O, yes, sir!" says the servant.
+
+"Well, fetch it in."
+
+"Two bottles, sir?"
+
+"Two ganders! No, bring in six bottles!--I can go two on 'em myself,"
+says the country gent.
+
+The servant delivered his message at the bar, and after a few grimaces
+and whispering, the servant and one of the bar-keepers, or clerks,
+carried up the wine. Says the clerk, whispering to Smith, whom he
+slightly knew:
+
+"Smith, do you know the price of this wine?"
+
+"Certainly I do," says Smith; "here it's invoiced on the catalogue,
+ain't it?"
+
+"O, very well," says the clerk, about to withdraw.
+
+"Hold on!" says one of the merry country gents, "don't snake your
+handsome countenance off so quick; do yer want us to fork rite up fur
+these drinks?" hauling out his wallet.
+
+"No, yer don't," says another, hauling out his change.
+
+"My treat, if you please, boys," says the third, pulling out a handful
+of small change. "I asked the party in, an' I pay for what licker we
+drink--be thunder!"
+
+In the midst of their enthusiasm, the clerk observed it was of no
+importance just then--the bill would be presented when they got through.
+This was satisfactory, and the party went on finishing their wine,
+smoking, &c.
+
+"S'pose we have some rale sham-paigne, boys?" says one of the gents,
+beginning to feel his oats, some!
+
+"Agreed!" says the rest. Two bottles of the best "_sham_" in "the
+tavern" were called for, and which the party drank with great gusto.
+
+"Now," says one of them, "let's go to the the-ater, or some other place
+where there's a show goin' on. Here, you, mister,"--to the servant,--"go
+fetch in the landlord."
+
+"The landlord, sur?" says Pat, the servant, in some doubts as to the
+meaning of the phrase.
+
+"Ay, landlord--or that chap that was in here just now; tell him to fetch
+in the bill. Ah, here you are, old feller; well, what's the damages?"
+asks the gent, so ambitious of putting the party through, and hauling
+out a handful of keys, silver and coppers, to do it with.
+
+"Eight bottles of that old flim-flam-di-rip-rap," pronouncing one of
+those fancy gamboge titles found upon an Astor House catalogue,
+"_ninety-six dollars--_"
+
+"What?" gasped the country gent, gathering up his small change, that he
+had began to sort out on the table.
+
+"And two bottles of 'Shreider,' and cigars--seven dollars," coolly
+continued the bar-clerk; "one hundred and three dollars."
+
+"_A hundred and three thunder--_"
+
+"A HUNDRED AND THREE DOLLARS!" cried the country gents, in one breath,
+all starting to their feet, and putting on their hats.
+
+The clerk explained it, clear as mud; the trio "spudged up" the amount,
+looked very sober, and walked out.
+
+"Come, boys," said Smith, "let's go to the theatre."
+
+"Guess not," says "the boys." "B'lieve we'll go home for to-night, Mr.
+Smith." And they made for their lodgings.
+
+If those country gents were asked, when they got home, any particulars
+about the "elephant," they'd probably hint something about getting a
+glimpse of him at the Astor House.
+
+
+
+
+The Advertisement.
+
+
+Sit down for a moment, we will not detain you long, our story will
+interest you, we are sure, for it is most commendable, brief,
+and--singularly true.
+
+A poor widow, in the city of Philadelphia, was the mother of three
+pretty children, orphans of a ship-builder, who lost his life in the
+corvette Kensington, a naval vessel, built in Kensington for one of the
+South American republics, and launched in 1826. The South Americans
+being short of funds, the Kensington, after years of delay, was sold to
+the emperor of all the Russias, and sailed for Constradt in 1830. Some
+forty of the carpenters, who had built the vessel, went out in her; she
+had immense, but symmetrical spars--carried vast clouds of canvass--was
+caught off Cape Henlopen in a squall--her spars came thundering to the
+deck, and poor Glenn, the ship builder, was among the slain.
+
+The widow was allowed but a brief time to mourn for the departed;
+pinching poverty was at her door; upon her own exertions now devolved
+the care and toil of rearing her three children. Cynthia, the eldest,
+was a pretty brunette, of thirteen; the neighbors thought Cynthia could
+"go out to work;" the next eldest, Martin, a fine, sturdy and
+intelligent boy, could go to a trade; and the youngest, Rosa, one of the
+most beautiful, blue-eyed, blonde little girls of seven years, poetical
+fancy ever realized, "the neighbors thought," ought to be _given_ to
+somebody, to raise. The mother was but a feeble woman; it would be a
+task for her to obtain her own living, they thought; and so, kind,
+generous souls, with that peculiar readiness with which disinterested
+friends console or advise the unfortunate, "the neighbors" became very
+eloquent and argumentative. But though the mother's hands were weak, her
+heart was strong, and her love for her children still stronger.
+
+It is rather a singular trait in the human character, it appears to us,
+that people possessing the ordinary attributes of sane Christians,
+should so readily advise others to attempt, or do, that from which
+_they_ would instinctively recoil; the mass of Widow Glenn's advisers
+might have been far more serviceable to her, by contributing their mites
+towards preserving the unity of her little and precious family, than
+thus savagely advising its disbanding.
+
+Newspapers, at this day, were far less numerous very expensive, and
+circulated to a very limited degree, indeed. But the widow took a paper,
+a family, weekly journal; and while casting her vacant eye over the
+columns, at the close of a Saturday eve, after a severe week's toil for
+the bread her little and precious ones had eaten, the widow's attention
+was called to an advertisement, as follows:
+
+ "A Housekeeper Wanted.--An elderly gentleman desires a middle-aged,
+ pleasantly-disposed, tidy and industrious American woman, to take
+ charge and conduct the domestic affairs of his household. A
+ reasonable compensation allowed. Good reference required, _the
+ applicant to have no incumbrances_. Apply at this office, for the
+ address, &c."
+
+The eager smile, that seemed to warm the wan features of the widow, as
+she glanced over the advertisement, was dimmed and darkened, as the
+shining river of summer is shadowed by the heavy passing cloud, when she
+came to the chilling words--_the applicant to have no incumbrances_.
+
+"No incumbrances," moaned the widow, "shall none but God deign to smile
+or have mercy on the helpless orphans; are they to be feared, shunned,
+hated, because helpless? Must they perish--die with me
+alone--struggling against our woes, poverty, wretchedness? No! I know
+there is a God, he is good, powerful, merciful; he will turn the hearts
+of some towards the widow and the orphan; and though basilisk-like words
+warn me to hope not, I will apply--I will attempt to win attention,
+work, slave, toil, toil, toil, until my poor hands shall wear to the
+bone, and my eyes no longer do their office--if he will only have mercy,
+pity for my poor, poor orphans--God bless them!" and in melting
+tenderness and emotion, the poor woman dropped her face upon her lap and
+wept--her tears were the showers of hope, to the almost parched soil of
+her heart, and as the gentle dews of heaven fall to the earth, so fell
+the widow's tears in balmy freshness upon her visions of a brighter
+something--in the future.
+
+It was yet early in the evening; her children slept; the poor woman put
+on her bonnet and shawl, and started at once for the office of the
+_news_paper. The publisher was just closing his sanctum, but he gave the
+information the widow required, and favorably impressed with Mrs.
+Glenn's appearance and manner, the publisher, a quaker, interrogated her
+on various points of her present condition, prospects, &c.; and
+observed, that but for her children, he had no doubt of the widow's
+suiting the old man exactly.
+
+"But thee must not be neglected, or discarded from honest industry,
+because of thy responsibilities, which God hath given thee," said the
+quaker. "If thy lad is stout of his age, and a good boy, I will provide
+for him; he may learn our business, and be off thy charge, and thee may
+be enabled to keep thy two female children about thee."
+
+On the following Monday, the widow signified her intention of writing a
+few lines as an applicant for the situation of housekeeper, and
+afterwards to consult with the publisher in regard to her boy, Martin,
+and then bidding the courteous quaker farewell, she sought her humble
+domicil, with a much lighter heart than she had lately carried from her
+distressed and lonely home.
+
+In an ancient part of the Quaker city, facing the broad and beautiful
+Delaware river, stood a venerable mansion; but few of this class now
+remain in Philadelphia, and the one of which we now speak, but recently
+passed away, in the great conflagration that visited the city in 1850.
+In this substantial and stately brick edifice, lived one of the wealthy
+and retired ship brokers of Quakerdom. He was very wealthy, very
+eccentric, very good-hearted, but passionate, plethoric, gouty, and
+seventy years of age. Mr. Job Carson had lived long and seen much; he
+had been so engrossed in clearing his fortune, that from twenty-five to
+forty, he had not bethought him of that almost indispensable appendage
+to a man's comfort in this world--a wife. He was the next ten years
+considering the matter over, and then, having built and furnished
+himself a costly mansion, which he peopled with servants, headed by a
+maiden sister as housekeeper, Job thought, upon the whole--to which his
+sister added her strong consent--that matrimony would greatly increase
+his cares, and perhaps add more _noise_ and confusion to his household,
+than it might counterbalance or offset by probable comfort in "wedded
+happiness," so temptingly set forth to old bachelors.
+
+"No," said Job, at fifty, "I'll not marry, not trade off my single
+blessedness yet; at least, there's time enough, there's women enough;
+I'm young, hale, hearty, in the prime of life; no, I'll not give up the
+ship to woman yet."
+
+Another ten years rolled along, and the thing turned up in the retired
+merchant's mind again--he was now sixty, and one, at least, of the
+objections to his entering the wedded state, removed--for a man at sixty
+is scarcely too young to marry, surely.
+
+"Ah, it's all up," quoth Job Carson. "I'm spoiled now. I've had my own
+way so long, I could not think of surrendering to petticoats, turning
+my house into a nursery, and turning my back on the joys, quiet and
+comforts of bachelorhood. No, no, Job Carson--matrimony be hanged.
+You'll none of it." And so ten years more passed--now age and luxury do
+their work.
+
+"O, that infernal twinge in my toe. _O_, there it is again--hang the
+goat, it can't be gout. Dr. Bleedem swears I'm getting the gout.
+Blockhead--none of my kith or kin ever had such an infernal complaint.
+O, ah-h-h, that infernal window must be sand-bagged, given me this pain
+in the back, and--Banquo! Where the deuce is that nigger--Banquo-o-o!"
+
+"Yis, massa, here I is," said a good-natured, fat, black and
+sleek-looking old darkey, poking his shining, grinning face into the old
+gentleman's study, sitting, playing or smoking room.
+
+"Here you are? Where? You black sarpint, come here; go to Jackplane, the
+carpenter, and tell him to come here and make my sashes tight, d'ye
+hear?"
+
+"Yis, massa, dem's 'em; I'se off."
+
+"No, you ain't--come here, Banquo, you woolly son of Congo, you; go open
+my liquor case, bring the brandy and some cool water. There, now clear
+yourself."
+
+"Yis, massa, I'se gone, dis time--"
+
+"No, you ain't, come back; go to old Joe Winepipes, and tell him I send
+my compliments to him, and if he wants to continue that game of chess,
+let him come over this afternoon, d'ye hear?"
+
+"Yis, massa, dem's 'em, I'se gone dis time--_shuah!_"
+
+"Well, away with you."
+
+Old Job Carson was yet a rugged looking old gentleman. He had survived
+nearly all his "blood, kith and kin;" his sister had paid the last debt
+of nature some months before, and in hopes of finding some one to fill
+her station, in his domestic concerns, his advertisement had appeared
+in the _Weekly Bulletin_.
+
+"Ah, me, it's no use crying about spilt milk," sighed the old gent over
+his glass. "I suppose I've been a fool; out-lived everybody, everything
+useful to me. Made a fortune _first_, nobody to spend it _last_. Yes,
+yes," continued the old man, in a thoughtful strain, "old Job Carson
+will soon slip off the handle; 'poor old devil,' some bloodsucker may
+say, as he grabs Job's worldly effects, 'he's gone, had a hard scrabble
+to get together these things, and now, we'll pick his bones.' Well, let
+'em, let 'em; serves me right; ought to have known it before, but blast
+and rot 'em, if they only enjoy the pillage as much as I did the
+struggles to keep it together, why, a--it will be about an even thing
+with us, after all."
+
+"Yis, massa, here I is," chuckled Banquo, again putting his black bullet
+pate in at the door.
+
+"You are, eh? Well, clear yourself--no, come back; go down to Oatmeal's
+store, and tell him to let old Mrs. Dougherty, and the old blind man,
+and the sailor's wife, and--and--the rest of them, have their groceries,
+again, this week--only another week, mind, for I'm not going to support
+the whole neighborhood any longer--tell him so."
+
+"Yis, massa, I'se gone."
+
+"Wait, come here, Banquo; well, never mind--clear out."
+
+But Banquo returned in a moment, saying:
+
+"Dar's a lady at the doo-ah, sah; says she wants to see you, sah, 'bout
+'ticlar business, sah."
+
+"Is, eh? Well, call her into the parlor, I'll be down--ah-h, that
+infernal _twinge_ again, ah-h-h-h, ah-h! What a stupid ass a man is to
+hang around in this world until he's a nuisance to himself and every
+body else!" grunted old Job, as he groped his way down stairs, and into
+the parlor.
+
+"Good morning, ma'am," said he, as he confronted the widow, who, in
+the utmost taste of simple neatness, had arranged her spare dress, to
+meet the umpire of her future fate.
+
+Mrs. Glenn respectfully acknowledged the salutation, and at once opened
+her business to the bluff old man.
+
+"Yes, yes; I'm a poor, unfortunate creature, ma'am; I'm nothing, nobody,
+any more. I want somebody to see that I'm not robbed, or poisoned, and
+that I may have a bed to lie upon, and a clean piece of linen to my back
+occasionally, and a--that's all I want, ma'am."
+
+The widow feigned to hope she knew the duties of a housekeeper, and
+situated as she was, it was a labor of love to work--toil, for those
+misfortune had placed in her charge.
+
+"Eh? what's that--haven't got _incumbrances_, have you, ma'am?"
+
+"I have three children, sir," meekly said the widow.
+
+"Three children?" gruffly responded the old gentleman; "ah, umph, what
+business have you, ma'am, with three children?"
+
+[Illustration: "Three children?" gruffly responded the old gentleman.
+"Ah, umph, what business have you, ma'am, with three
+children?"--_Page_ 393.]
+
+The widow, not apparently able to answer such a poser, the old gentleman
+continued:
+
+"Poor widows, poor people of any kind, have no business with
+_incumbrances_, ma'am; no excuse at all, ma'am, for 'em."
+
+"So, alas!" said Mrs. Glenn, "I find the world too--too much inclined to
+reason; but I shall trust to the mercy and providence of the Lord, if
+denied the kind feelings of mortals."
+
+"Ah, yes, yes, that's it, ma'am; it's all very fine, ma'am; but too many
+poor, foolish creatures get themselves in a scrape, then depend upon the
+Lord to help 'em out. This shifting the responsibility to the shoulders
+of the Lord isn't right. I don't wonder the Lord shuts his ears to half
+he's asked to do, ma'am."
+
+"Well, sir, I thought I would _call_, though I feared my children would
+be an objection to--"
+
+"Yes, yes,--I don't want incumbrances, ma'am."
+
+"But I--I a--"--the widow's heart was too full for utterance; she moved
+towards the door. "Good morning, sir."
+
+"Stop, come back, ma'am, sit down; it's a pity--you've no business,
+ma'am, as I said before, to have incumbrances, when you haven't got any
+visible means of support. Now, if you only had one, one incumbrance--and
+that you'd no business to have"--said the old gent, doggedly, tapping an
+antique tortoise-shell snuff box, and applying "the pungent grains of
+titillating dust," as Pope observes, to his proboscis, "if you had only
+_one_ incumbrance--but you've got a house full, ma'am."
+
+"No, sir, only three!" answered widow Glenn.
+
+"Three, only three? God bless me, ma'am, I wouldn't be a poor woman with
+two--no, with one incumbrance at my petticoat tails--for the biggest
+ship and cargo old Steve Girard ever owned, ma'am."
+
+"I might," meekly said the widow, "put my son with the printer, sir; he
+has offered to take my poor boy."
+
+"Two girls and a boy?" inquiringly asked the old gent, applying the
+dust, and manipulating his box. "How old? Eldest thirteen, eh?--boy
+eleven, and the youngest seven, eh?" and working a traverse, or solving
+some problematic point, Job Carson stuck his hands under his morning
+gown, and strode over the floor; after a few evolutions of the kind, he
+stopped--fumbled in a drawer of a secretary, and placing a ten dollar
+note in the widow's hand, he said:
+
+"There, ma'am; I don't know that I shall want you, but to-morrow
+morning, if you have time, from other and more important business, call
+in, bring your children with you; good morning, ma'am--Banquo!"
+
+"Yis, sah; I'se heah."
+
+"Show the lady out--good morning, ma'am, good morning."
+
+"I like that woman's looks," said old Job, continuing his walk; "she's
+plain and tidy; she's industrious, I'll warrant; if she only hadn't that
+raft of _incumbrances_; what do these people have incumbrances for,
+anyway?--"
+
+"Lady at the doo-ah, sah," said Banquo.
+
+"Show her in. Good morning, ma'am; Banquo, a seat for the lady; yes,
+ma'am, I did; I want a housekeeper. I advertised for one. How many
+servants do I keep? Well, ma'am, I keep as many as I want. Have
+visitors? Of course I have. What and where are _my rooms_? Why, madam, I
+own the house, every brick and lath in it. I go to bed, and get up, and
+go round; come in and out, when I feel like it. What church do I worship
+in? I've assisted in _building_ a number, own a half of one, and a third
+of several; but, ma'am, between you and I--I don't want to be rude to a
+lady, ma'am, but I _do_ think, this examination ain't to my liking--you
+don't think the place would suit you, eh? Well, I think _your ladyship_
+wouldn't suit _me_, ma'am, so I'll bid your ladyship good morning," said
+old Job, bowing very obsequiously to the stiff-starched and acrimonious
+dame, who, returning the old gentleman's _bow_ with the same "high
+pressure" order, seized her skirts in one hand, and agitating her fan
+with the other, she stepped out, or _finikined_ along to the hall door,
+and as Banquo flew around, and put on the _extras_ to let her ladyship
+out, she gave the darkey a pat on the head with her fan, and looking
+crab-apples at the poor negro, she rushed down the steps and
+disappeared.
+
+"Tank you, ma'am; come again, eb you please--of'n!" said the pouting
+negro.
+
+"Yes, sah; here's nudder lady, sah," says Banquo, ushering in a rather
+ruddy, jolly-looking and perfectly-at-home daughter of the "gim o' the
+sae." The old gentleman eyed her liberal proportions; consulting his
+snuff-box, he answered "yes" to the woman's inquiry, if _he_ was the
+gintleman wanting the housekeeper.
+
+"Did you read my advertisement, ma'am?"
+
+"Me rade it? Not I, faix. Mr. Mullony, our landlord, was saying till
+us--"
+
+"Are you married, too?"
+
+"Married _two_? Do I look like a woman as would marry two? No, _sur_;
+I'm a dacent woman, sur; my name is Hannah Geaughey, Jimmy Geaughey's my
+husband, sur; he, poor man, wrought in the board-yard till he was _sun
+sthruck_, by manes of falling from a cuart, sur."
+
+"Well, ma'am, that will do, I'm sorry for your husband--one dollar,
+there it is; you wouldn't suit me at all; good morning, ma'am. Banquo,
+show the good woman to the door."
+
+"But, sur, I want the place!"
+
+"I don't want _you_--good morning."
+
+"Dis way, ma'am," said Banquo, marshalling the woman to the hall.
+
+"Stand away, ye nager; it's your masther I'm spakin' wid."
+
+"Go along, go along, woman, go, go, _go!_" roared the old gent.
+
+"But, as I was saying, Mr. Mullony said--says he--who the divil you
+push'n, you black nager?" said the woman, grabbing Banquo's woolly
+top-knot.
+
+"Dis way, ma'am," persevered Banquo, quartering towards the door.
+
+"Mr. Mullony was sayin', sur--"
+
+"Dis way, ma'am," continued the darkey, crowding Mrs. Geaughey, while
+his master was gesticulating furiously to keep on _crowding_ her.
+Finally, Banquo vanquished the Irish woman, and received orders from his
+master to admit no more applicants--the place was filled.
+
+That afternoon, old Captain Winepipes--a retired merchant and
+ship-master, an old bachelor, too, who was in the habit of exchanging
+visits with Job Carson, sipping brandy and water, talking over old times
+and playing chess--came to finish a litigated game, and Job and he
+discussed the matter of taking care of the widow and children of the
+dead ship-builder. At length, it was settled that, if the second
+interview with the widow, and an exhibition of her children, proved
+satisfactory to Job Carson, he should take them in; if found more than
+Job could attend to--
+
+"Why a--I'll go you halves, Job," said Captain Winepipes.
+
+Next day, Widow Glenn and her pretty children appeared at the door of
+Carson's mansion; and Banquo, full of pleasant anticipations, ushered
+them into the retired merchant's presence.
+
+It was evident, at the first glance the old gentleman gave the group,
+that the battle was more than half won.
+
+"Fine boy, that; come here, sir--eleven years of age, eh? Your name's
+Martin--Martin Glenn, eh? Well, Martin, my lad, you've got a big world
+before you--a fussing, fuming world, not worth finding out, not worth
+the powder that would blow it up. You've got to take your position in
+the ranks, too, mean and contemptible as they are; but you may make a
+good man; if the world don't benefit you, why a--you can benefit it;
+that's the way I've done--been obliged to do it, ain't sorry for it,
+neither," said the old man, with evident emotion.
+
+"Your name is Cynthia, eh? And you are a fine grown girl for your age,
+surely. Cynthia, you'll soon be capable of 'keeping house,' too; you've
+got a world before you, too, my dear; a wicked, scandalous world; a
+world full of deceit and _misery_--look at your mother, look at me! Ah,
+well, it's all our own fault; yours, madam, for having these--these
+_incumbrances_, and mine, poor devil--for not having 'em. Cynthia,
+you're a fine girl; a good girl, I know. Ah, here's mamma's pet, I
+suppose; Rose Glenn, very pretty name, pretty girl, too, very pretty.
+Lips and cheeks like cherries, eyes brighter than Brazil diamonds.
+Ma'am, you've got great treasures here; a man must be a stupid ass to
+call these _incumbrances_. They are jewels of inestimable value. What's
+my filthy bank accounts, dollars and cents, houses, goods and chattels,
+that fire may destroy, and thieves steal--to these blessings that--that
+God has given the lone widow to strengthen her--cheer her in the dark
+path of life? God is great, generous, and just; I see it now, plainer
+than I ever did before. Banquo!"
+
+"Yis'r, I'se here, massa."
+
+"Go tell Counsellor Prime to call on me immediately; tell Captain
+Winepipes to come over--I want to see him. I'm going to make a fool of
+myself, I believe."
+
+"Yes, sah, I'se gone; gorry, I guess dere's suffin gwoin to happen to
+dat lady and dem chil'ns--shuah!" said Banquo, rushing out of the house.
+
+The fate of the ship-builder's family was fixed. Job Carson
+proposed--and the widow, of course, consented--that Martin Glenn should
+become the adopted son of the old gentleman, Job Carson; and that he
+should choose a trade or profession, which he should then, or later,
+learn, making the old gentleman's house as much his home as
+circumstances would permit; the two girls were to remain under the same
+roof with the mother, who was at once installed as housekeeper for the
+bluff and generous old gentleman.
+
+Old Captain Winepipes insisted on a share in the settlement, to wit:
+that both girls should be educated at his expense, which was finally
+acceded to, adding, that in case he--Captain Joseph Winepipes--should
+live to see Rose Glenn a bride, he should provide for her wedding, and
+give her a dowry.
+
+"Set that down in black and white, Mr. Prime," said Job, "and that I,
+Job Carson, do agree, should I live to see Cynthia Glenn a wife, to give
+her a comfortable start in the world--set that down, for I will do it,
+yes, I will," said the old gent, with an emphatic rap on his snuff-box.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+Ten years passed away; Captain Winepipes has paid the debt of nature; he
+did not live to see Rose Glenn a wife; but, nevertheless, he left a
+clause in his will, that fully carried out his expressed intentions when
+Rose did marry, some two years after she arrived at the age of sweet
+seventeen. Martin Glenn Carson graduated in the printing office, and
+very recently filled one of the most important stations in the judiciary
+of Illinois, as well as a chivalrous part in the recent war with Mexico.
+Cynthia was wedded to a well known member of the Philadelphia bar, an
+event that Job Carson barely lived to see, and, as he agreed to, donated
+a sum, quite munificent, towards making things agreeable in the progress
+of her married life. Widow Glenn remained a faithful servant and friend
+to the old merchant, and, upon his death, she became heir to the family
+mansion, and means to keep it up at the usual bountiful rate. Large
+bequests were made in Job Carson's will, to charitable institutes, but
+the bulk of his fortune fell to his adopted son, Martin, who proved not
+unworthy of his good fortune. Banquo ended his days in the service of
+the widow, who had cause for and took pleasure in blessing the vehicle
+that conveyed to herself and orphans their rare good fortune, in guise
+of a NEWSPAPER ADVERTISEMENT.
+
+
+
+
+Incidents in a Fortune-Hunter's Life.
+
+
+We do not now recollect what philosopher it was who said, "it's no
+disgrace to be poor, but it's often confoundedly unhandy!" But, we have
+little or no sympathy for poor folks, who, ashamed of their poverty,
+make as many and tortuous writhings to escape its inconveniences, as
+though it was "against the law" to be poor. It is the cause of
+incalculable human misery, to _seem_ what we are _not_; to appear beyond
+_want_--yea, even in affluence and comfort, when the belly is robbed to
+clothe the back--the inner man crucified to make the outside _lie_ you
+through the world, or into--genteel "society." This, though abominable,
+is common, and leads to innumerable ups and downs, crime and fun, in
+this old world that we temporarily inhabit.
+
+Choosing rather to give our life pictures a familiar and diverting--and
+certainly none the less instructive garb--than to hunt up misery, and
+depict the woeful tragics of our existence, we will give the facts of a
+case--not uncommon, we ween, either, that came to us from a friend of
+one of the parties.
+
+In most cities--especially, perhaps, in Baltimore and Washington, are
+any quantity of decayed families; widows and orphans of men--who, while
+blessed with oxygen and hydrogen sufficient to keep them healthy and
+active--held offices, or such positions in the business world as enabled
+them and their families to carry pretty stiff necks, high heads, and go
+into what is called "good society;" meaning of course where good
+furniture garnishes good finished domiciles, good carpets, good rents,
+good dinners, and where good clothes are exhibited--but where good
+intentions, good manners and morals are mostly of no great importance.
+As, in most all such cases, when, by some fortuitous accident, the head
+of the family collapses, or dies,--the reckless regard for society
+having led to the squandering of the income, fast or faster than it
+came, the poor family is driven by the same society, so coveted, to hide
+away--move off, and by a thousand dodges of which wounded pride is
+capable, work their way through the world, under tissues of false
+pretences; at once ludicrous and pitiable. Such a family we have in
+view. Colonel Somebody held a lucrative office under government, in the
+city of Washington. Colonel Somebody, one day, very unexpectedly, died.
+There was nothing mysterious in that, but the Somebodies having always
+cut quite a swell in the "society" of the capital--which society, let us
+tell you, is of the most fluctuating, tin-foil and ephemeral character;
+it was by some considered strange, that as soon as Colonel Somebody had
+been decently buried in his grave, his family at once made a sale of
+their most expensive furniture--the horses, carriage, and man-servant
+disappeared, and the Somebodies apprized society that they were going
+north, to reside upon an estate of the Colonel's in New York. And so
+they vanished. Whither they went or how they fared society did not know,
+and society did not care!
+
+Mrs. Somebody had two daughters and a son, the eldest twenty-three,
+_confessedly_, and the youngest, the son, seventeen. Marriages, in such
+society, floating and changing as it does in Washington, are not
+frequent, and less happy or prosperous when effected; every body,
+inclined to become acquainted, or form matrimonial connections, are ever
+on the alert for something or somebody better than themselves; and under
+such circumstances, naturally enough, Miss Alice Somebody--though a
+pretty girl--talented, as the world goes, highly educated, too, as many
+hundreds beside her, was still a spinster at twenty-three. The fact was,
+Mrs. Somebody was a woman of experience in the world--indeed, a dozen
+years' experience in life at Washington, had given her very definite
+ideas of expediency and diplomacy; and hence, as the means were cut off
+to live in their usual style and expensiveness--Mrs. Somebody packed up
+and retired to Baltimore. The son soon found an occupation in a
+store--the daughter, being a woman of taste and education, resorted
+to--as a matter of _diversion_--they could not think of earning a
+living, of course!--the needle--while Mrs. Somebody arranged a pair of
+neat apartments, for two "gentlemen of unexceptionable reference," as
+boarders.
+
+During their palmy days at the capital of the nation, Miss Alice
+Somebody came in contact with a young gentleman named Rhapsody,--of
+pleasant and respectable demeanor, _an office-holder_, but not high up
+enough to suit the tastes and aims of Colonel Somebody and his lady; and
+so, our friend Rhapsody stood little or no chance for favor or
+preferment in the graces of Miss Alice, though he was a recognized
+visitor at the Colonel's house, and essayed to make an impression upon
+the heart's affections of the Colonel's daughter.
+
+Time fled, and with its fleetings came those changes in the fates and
+fortunes of the Somebodies, we have noted. Nor was our friend Rhapsody
+without his changes,--mutations of fortune, a change of government, made
+changes. Rhapsody one morning was not as much surprised as mortified to
+find his "services no longer required," as a new hand was awaiting his
+withdrawal. Rhapsody, true to custom at the capital--lived up to and
+ahead of his salary; and, when deposed, deemed it prudent to make his
+exit from a spot no longer likely to be favorable to the self-respect or
+personal comfort of a man bereft of power, and without patronage or
+position. Rhapsody, by trade (luckily he had a trade), was a boot-maker.
+Start not, reader, at the idea; we know "shoemaker" may have a tendency
+to shock some people, whose moral and mental culture has been sadly
+neglected, or quite perverted; but Rhapsody was but a boot-maker, and no
+doubt quite as gentlemanly--physically and mentally considered, as the
+many thousands who merely _wear_ boots, for the luxury of which they are
+indebted to the skill, labor and industry of others. Rhapsody came down
+gracefully, and quite as manfully, to his level, only changing the scene
+of his endeavors to the city of monuments. Rhapsody had feelings--pride.
+He sought obscurity, in which he might perform the necessary labors of
+his craft, to enable him to keep his head above water, and await that
+tide in the affairs of men, when perhaps he might again be drifted to
+fortune and favor.
+
+Rhapsody took lodgings in a respectable hotel; he arose late--took
+breakfast, read the news--smoked--lounged--dressed, and went through the
+ordinary evolutions of a gentleman of leisure, until he dined at 3 P.
+M.; then, by a circuitous way, he proceeded to his shop--put on his
+working attire, and went at it faithfully, until midnight, when, having
+accomplished his maximum of toil, he re-dressed--walked to his
+hotel--talked politics--fashions, etc., took his glass of wine with a
+friend, and very quietly retired; to rise on the morrow, and go through
+the same routine from day to day, only varying it a little by an eye to
+an eligible marriage, or a place.
+
+Rhapsody--we must give him the credit of the fact--from no mawkish
+feeling of his own, but from force of public opinion, resorted to this
+secret manner of eking out his daily bread, and acting out his part of
+the fictitious gentleman. During one of his morning
+lounges--accidentally, Rhapsody met Miss Somebody in the street. They
+had not met for some few years, and it may not be troublesome to
+conceive, that Miss Alice--under the new order of things--was more
+pleased than otherwise to renew the acquaintance of other days, with a
+gentleman still supposed to be--and his attire and manner surely gave
+no sign of an altered state of affairs--in a position recognizable by
+society.
+
+Rhapsody renewed his attentions to the Somebody family, and Miss Alice
+in particular--with fervor. He admitted himself no longer an _attache_
+of government, but offset the deprivation of government patronage, by
+asserting that he was graduating for a higher sphere in life than the
+drudgery and abjectness of a clerkship--he was studying political
+economy, and the learned profession of the law!
+
+The Somebodies were _game_; not a concession would they make to stern
+indigence; it was merely for the sake of quietude, said Mrs. Somebody,
+and the solace of retirement from the gay and tempestuous whirls of
+society, that _we_ changed the scene and dropped a peg lower in domestic
+show. Rhapsody believed Colonel Somebody a man of substance. He knew how
+easy it was to account for the expenditure of fifteen hundred dollars a
+year, but it did not so readily appear possible for a man holding the
+Colonel's place and perquisites, some thousands a year, to die poor,
+without estate; ergo, the Somebodies were still, doubtless, _somebody_,
+and the more the infatuated Rhapsody dwelt upon it, the more he absorbed
+the idea of forming an alliance with the dead Colonel's family. And the
+favor with which he was received seemed to facilitate matters as
+desirably as could be wished for. What airy castles, or gossamer
+projects may have haunted the fancy of our sanguine friend, Rhapsody, we
+know not; but that he whacked away more cheerily at his trade, and kept
+up his appearances spiritedly, was evident enough. An expert and
+artistic craftsman, he secured paying work, and executed it to the
+satisfaction of his employers.
+
+The industry of the Somebodies was one of the traits in the characters
+of the two young women, particularly commendatory to Rhapsody; he
+seldom paid them a morning or afternoon call, that they were not
+diligently engaged with needles and Berlin wool--fashioning wrought
+suspenders for brother, slippers for brother, or mother, or sister, or
+the Rev. Mr. So-and-So--the recently made inmate of the family. The
+multiplicity of such performances, for brother, mother, sister, the
+reverend gentleman--_mere pastime_, as Mrs. Somebody would remark,--most
+probably would have caused a mystery or misgiving in the minds of many
+adventurous _Lotharios_; but Rhapsody, though, as we see, a man of the
+world, had something yet to learn of society and its complexities.
+Things progressed smoothly--the reverend gentleman facetiously cajoled
+Miss Alice and the mother upon the issue of coming events--the lively
+young lawyer, etc., etc.,--and it seemed to be a settled matter that
+Miss Alice was to be the bride of Mr. Rhapsody at last.
+
+Rhapsody, usually, after dark, in the evening, in his laboring garments,
+made his return of work and received more. Whilst thus out, one evening,
+on business, in making a sudden turn of a corner, he came plump upon
+Mrs. Somebody and Alice! Rhapsody would have dashed down a cellar--into
+a shop--up an alley, or sunk through the footwalk, had any such
+opportunity offered, but there was none--he was there--beneath the flame
+of a street lamp, with the eagle eyes of all the party upon him! Cut off
+from retreat, he boldly faced the enemy!
+
+He was going to a political caucus meeting in a noisy and turbulent
+ward--apprehended a disturbance--donned those shady habiliments, and the
+large green bag in his hand, that a--well, though it did not seem to
+contain such goods, was supposed, for the nonce, to contain his books
+and papers; documents he was likely to have use for at the caucus!
+Rhapsody got through--it was a tight shave; he dexterously declined
+accompanying the ladies home--they were rather queerly attired
+themselves, it occurred to Rhapsody; they made some excuse for their
+appearance, and so the maskers _quit, even_. Time passed on--Alice and
+Rhapsody had almost climaxed the preparatory negotiations of an hymenial
+conclusion, when another _contretemps_ came to pass--it was the grand
+finale.
+
+It was on a rather blustery night, that Rhapsody, in haste, sought the
+shop of his employer; he had work in hand which, being ordered done at a
+certain hour, for an anxious customer, he was in haste to deliver. His
+green bag under his arm, in rushed Rhapsody,--the servant of the
+customer was awaiting the arrival of the _bottier_ and his master's
+boots. The shopman eagerly seized Rhapsody's verdant-colored satchel,
+and out came the boots, and which underwent many critical inspections,
+eliciting sundry professional remarks from the shopman, to our hero,
+Rhapsody, who, in his business matters had assumed, it appeared, the
+more humble name of _Mr. Jones_, in the shop. The customer's servant
+stood by the counter--fencing off a lady, further on--from immediate
+notice of Rhapsody. A side glance revealed sundry patterns or specimens
+of most elegantly-wrought slippers--the boss of the shop, and the lady,
+were apparently negotiating a trade, in these embroidered articles; the
+lady, now but a few feet from Rhapsody and the garrulous shopman, turned
+toward the poor fellow just as the shopman had stuffed more work into
+the green bag--their eyes met. Rhapsody felt an all-overish sensation
+peculiar to that experienced by an amateur in a shower bath, during his
+first _douse_, or the incipient criminal detected in his initiatory
+crime! Poor Rhapsody felt like fainting, while Miss Alice Somebody,
+without the nerve to gather up her work, or withstand a further test of
+the force of circumstances, precipitately left the store, her face red
+as scarlet, and her demeanor wild and incomprehensible, at least to all
+but Rhapsody.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+Rhapsody was at breakfast the next morning--a servant announced a
+gentleman in the parlor desirous of an interview with Mr. Rhapsody--it
+was granted, and soon _Jones_, the _boot-maker_, confronted the Rev. Mr.
+So-and-So. Though an inclination to _smile_ played about the pleasant
+features of the reverend gentleman, he assumed to be severe upon what he
+called the duplicity of Mr. Rhapsody; and that gentleman patiently
+hearing the story out, quietly asked:
+
+"Are you, sir, here as an accuser--denouncer, or an ambassador of peace
+and good will?"
+
+"The latter, sir, is my self-constituted mission," said the reverend
+gentleman.
+
+"Then," said Rhapsody, "I am ready to make all necessary concessions--a
+clean breast of it, you may say. I am in a false position--struggling
+against public opinion--false pride--falsely, and yet honestly, working
+my way through the world. I am no more nor less, nominally, than _Jones,
+the boot-maker_. Now," continued Rhapsody, "if a false purpose covers
+not a false heart also, I can yet be happy in the affections of Miss
+Somebody, and she in mine. For those who can battle as we have, against
+the common chances of indigence, upright and alone in our integrity, may
+surely yet win greater rewards by mutual consolation and support, our
+fortunes joined."
+
+"I have not been mistaken, then, sir," said the reverend gentleman, "in
+your character, if I was in your occupation; and you may rely upon my
+friendly service in an amicable and definite arrangement of this very
+delicate matter."
+
+ * * * * *
+
+When General Harrison took the "chair of state," our friend Rhapsody was
+reinstated in his place, occupied years before, and by fortuitous
+circumstances he got still higher--an appointment of trust connected
+with a handsome salary; so that Jones, the boot-maker, was enabled to
+re-enter the Somebodies into the gay and fluctuating society at the
+national capital, from which they had been so unceremoniously driven by
+the death of the husband and father. Mrs. Somebody, that was, however,
+is now a much older and much wiser person, the wife of our ministerial
+friend, who vouches the difficulty he had in overcoming Mrs. Somebody's
+repugnance to leather--and for sundry quibbles--yea, strong arguments
+against any blood of hers ever uniting with the fates and fortunes of a
+boot-maker; with what _propriety_, her experience has long since taught
+her. Alice is the happiest of women, mother of many fine children, the
+wife of a man poverty could not corrupt, if public opinion forced him to
+mask the means that gave him bread. Rhapsody is no longer a politician,
+or office-holder, but engaged in lucrative pursuits that yield comfort
+and position in society. To relate the trials, courtship and marriage of
+"Jones, the boot-maker," is one of our friend Rhapsody's standing jokes,
+to friends at the fireside and dinner table; but that such a safe and
+happy tableau would again befall parties so circumstanced, is a very
+material question; and the moral of our story, being rather complex,
+though very definite, we leave to society, and you, reader, to
+determine.
+
+
+
+
+A Distinction with a Difference.
+
+
+A gentleman from "out 'town," came into Redding & Co.'s on Christmas
+day, and leaning thoughtfully over the counter, says he to Prescott,
+"Got any Psalms here?"
+
+"N-n-no," says Prescott, reflectingly, "but," he continued, after a
+moment's pause, and handing down a copy of Hood, "here's plenty of old
+Joe's!"
+
+The out-of-town gentleman gave a glance at _the pictures_, and with a
+countenance indicative of having been tasting a crab-apple--left!
+
+
+
+
+Pills and Persimmons.
+
+
+I remember an old "Joke" told me by my father, of an old, and rather
+addle-headed gentleman, who some fifty years ago did business in New
+Castle, Delaware, and having occasion to send out to England for
+hardware, wrote his order, and as he was about to despatch it to the
+captain of the ship, lying in the stream, ready for sea, a neighbor got
+him to add an order for some kegs of nails, and in the hurry, the old
+man dashed off his _P. S._, but upon attempting to read the whole order
+over, he couldn't make head or tail of it.
+
+"Well," says he, in a flurry, "I'll send it, just as it is; they are
+better scholars in England than I am--_they'll make it out_."
+
+Strange enough to say, when the hardware came over, among the rest of
+the stuff were the so many kegs of nails, but upon opening one of these
+kegs, it was full, or nearly so, of American quarter dollars. The old
+man roared out in a [word missing].
+
+"Haw! haw! haw! Well, blast me," says he, "if _they_ ain't scholars,
+fust-rate scholars, in England; _it's worth while sending 'em bad
+manuscript_."
+
+A still more comical mistake is related to us, of a commercial
+transaction that actually took place within a year or two, between
+parties severally situated in Boston and the city of San Francisco,
+California. As we consider the whole transaction rather _rich_, we
+transcribe it for the diversion it may furnish.
+
+Simmons, the "Oak Hall" man, of Boston, had set up a shop in San
+Francisco, to which he was almost daily sending all sorts of cheap
+clothing, and making, on the same, more money than a horse could pull;
+and in his package, he was in the habit of sending articles for friends,
+&c. A gentleman recently gone to the gold country, from Boston,
+acquainted with Simmons, and Simmons with him, found, upon looking
+around San Francisco, that his own business, _lawing_, wasn't worth two
+cents, as many of his craft were turning their attention to matters more
+useful to the human family--digging cellars, wheeling baggage, driving
+teams, &c. So lawyer Bunker _turned_ his attention from Blackstone,
+Chitty, Coke on Littleton, and those fellows of deep-red, blue-black
+law, to the manufacture of quack nostrums. Bunker found that the great
+appetite we Yankees have for quack medicines, pills and powders,
+suffered no diminution in the gold country; on the contrary, the
+appetite became rather sharpened for those luxuries, and Bunker found
+that a New York butcher, with whom he became acquainted, was absolutely
+making his fortune, by the manufacture of dough pills, spiced with
+coriander, and a slight tincture of calomel.
+
+"Egad!" says Bunker, "_I'll_ go into medicine. I'll write to a friend in
+Boston, to send me _out_ a few medicine and receipt books, and a lot of
+pulverized liquorice, quinine, &c., with a pill machine, and I guess
+I'll be after my New York butchering friend in a double brace of
+shakes."
+
+Now, it may be premised that as Bunker was a lawyer, he wrote a
+first-rate hand; in fact, he might have bragged of being able to equal,
+if not surpass, the "Hon." Rufus Choate, whose scrawl more resembles the
+scratchings of a poor half-drowned in an ink-saucer spider, meandering
+over foolscap, than quill-driving, and as unintelligible as the marks of
+a tea-box or hieroglyphics on the sarcophagus of ye ancient Egyptians!
+In short, Counsellor Bunker's manuscript was awful; a few of his most
+intimate friends, only, pretending to have the hang of it at all; and to
+one of these friends, Bunker directs his message, transmits it by Uncle
+Sam's mail _poche_, and in fever heat he awaits the return of the
+precious combustibles that were to make his fortune. In course of time,
+Bunker's friends receive the order, but, alas! it was all Greek to them;
+they cyphered in vain, to make out any thing in the letters except
+_persimmons_.
+
+"What the deuce," says one of Bunker's friends, "does Joe want with
+persimmons?"
+
+They went at it again, and again, but there was no mistaking the final
+sentence, "_send, without delay, persimmons_."
+
+"Persimmons?" said one.
+
+"Persimmons?" echoed another.
+
+"Persimmons? What in thunder does Joe Bunker want with _persimmons_?"
+responded a third.
+
+"Persimmons!" all three chimed.
+
+"Persimmons," says one, "are not used in law proceedings, anyhow."
+
+"Nor in gospel, even, provided Joe has got into that," responded
+another.
+
+"Persimmons are not medicinal."
+
+"They are not chemical."
+
+"Persimmons are no part, or ingredient, in art, science, law, or
+religion; now, for what does Joe Bunker, counsellor at law, want us to
+forward, without delay, _persimmons_?"
+
+Well, they couldn't tell; in vain they reasoned. Joe's letter was very
+brief, strictly to the point, and that point was--_persimmons!_ In the
+first place, it is not everybody that knows exactly what persimmons are,
+where they come from, and what they are good for. One of Bunker's
+friends had lived in the South; he knew persimmons; it occurred to him
+that possums, and some human beings, especially the colored pop'lation,
+were the only critters particularly fond of the fruit. Webster was
+consulted, to see what light he cast upon the matter: he informed them
+that "_Persimmon_ was a tree, and its fruit, a species of _Diospyros_, a
+native of the States south of New York. Fruit like a plum, and when not
+ripe, very hard and astringent (rather so), but when ripe, luscious and
+highly nutritious."
+
+"Well, there," said one of Bunker's friends, "I'll bet Joe's sick;
+persimmons have been prescribed for his cure, and the sooner we send the
+persimmons the better!"
+
+"Persimmons! Now I come to think of it," says the man who had a faint
+idea of what persimmons were, "they make beer, first-rate beer of
+persimmons, in the South, and it's my opinion, that Joe Bunker is going
+into persimmon beer business; as you say, he _may be_ sick--persimmon
+beer may be the California cure-all; in either case, let us forward the
+persimmons without delay!"
+
+Now persimmons never ripen until _touched_ pretty smartly with Jack
+Frost. This was in September; persimmons were mostly full grown, but not
+ripe. A large keg of them was ordered from Jersey, and as fast as Adams
+& Co.'s great Express to San Francisco could take them out, _the
+persimmons went!_
+
+Counsellor Bunker, relying upon his friends to forward without delay the
+tools and remedial agents to make his fortune in the pill business, went
+to work, got him an office, changed his name, and added an M. D. to it,
+had a sign painted, advertised his shop, and informed the public that on
+such a time he would open, and guarantee to cure all ills, from lumbago
+to liver complaint, from toothache to lock-jaw, spring fever to yaller
+janders, and in his enthusiasm, he sat down with a ream of paper, to
+count up the profits, and calculate the time it would take to get his
+pile of gold dust and start for home.
+
+The day arrived that Doctor Phlebotonizem was to open, and he found
+customers began to _call_, and sure enough, in comes a large keg, direct
+through from the States, to his address; the freight bill on it was
+pretty considerable, but Joe out and paid it, rejoicing to think that
+now he was all right, and that if the proprietors of gold dust and the
+lumbago, or any of the various ills set forth in his catalogue of human
+woes, had spare change, he would soon find them out. He closed his door,
+opened his cask--
+
+"What in the name of everlasting sin and misery is this?" was the first
+_burst_, upon feeling the fine saw dust, and seeing, nicely packed, the
+green and purple, round and glossy--he couldn't tell what.
+
+"Pills? No, good gracious, they can't be _pills_--smell queer--some
+mistake--can't be any mistake--my name on the cask--(tastes one of the
+'article')--O! by thunder! (tastes again)--I'm blasted, they (tastes
+again) are, by Jove, _persimmons!_ Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ho! ho! he! he!
+ha! ha! ha!"
+
+And the ex-counsellor of modern law roared until he grew livid in the
+face.
+
+"I see--ha! ha! I see; they have misunderstood every line I wrote them,
+except the last, and that--ha! ha! ha!--for my direction to send out my
+stuff _per Simmons_, they send me PERSIMMONS! Ha! ha! ha! ho! ho!"
+
+But, after enjoying the _fun_ of the matter, ex-counsellor Bunker
+discovered the thing was nothing to laugh at; _patients_ were at the
+door--if he did not soon prescribe for their cases, his now numerous
+creditors would prescribe for him! What was to be done? Very dull and
+prosy people often become enterprising and imaginative, to a wonderful
+degree, when put to their trumps. This philosophical fact applied to
+ex-counsellor Bunker's case exactly. He was there to better his fortune,
+and he felt bound to do it, persimmons or no persimmons. It occurred to
+him, as those infernal persimmons had cost him something, they ought to
+_bring in_ something. By the aid of starch and sugar, Doctor
+Phlebotonizem converted some hundreds of the smallest persimmons into
+_pills_--sugar-coated pills--warranted to cure about all the ills flesh
+was heir to, at $2 each dose. One generally constituted a dose for a
+full-grown person, and as the patient left with a countenance much
+"puckered up," and rarely returned, the _pseudo_ M. D. concluded there
+was virtue in persimmon pills, and so, after disposing of his stock to
+first-rate advantage, the doctor paid off his bills; tired of the pill
+trade, he _vamosed the ranche_ with about funds enough to reach home,
+and explain to his friends the difference between _per_ Simmons and
+_persimmons!_
+
+
+
+
+Mysteries and Miseries of the Life of a City Editor.
+
+
+A great deal has been written, to show that the literary business is a
+very disagreeable business; and that branch of it coming under the
+"Editorial" head is about as comfortable as the bed of Procustes would
+be to an invalid. It may doubtless look and sound well, to see one's
+name in print, going the rounds, especially at the head of the editorial
+columns, from ten to fifty thousand eyes and tongues scanning and
+pronouncing it every day, or week--hundreds and thousands of the fair
+sex wondering whether he is a young or an old man, a married man or a
+bachelor; while the pious and devout are contemplating the serious of
+his emanations, and conjecturing whether he be a Methodist, Puseyite, or
+Catholic, a Presbyterian, Unitarian or Baptist; and the politicians
+scanning his views, to discover whether he _leans_ toward the
+_Locofocos, Free-Soilers, or Whigs_--all being necessarily much
+mystified, inasmuch as the neutral writer, or editor, is obliged to
+study, and most vigilantly to act, the part of a cunning
+diplomatist--stroke every body's hair with the _grain!_
+
+
+
+
+The Tribulations of Incivility.
+
+
+"A gentleman by the name of Collins stopping with you?"
+
+"Collins?" was the response.
+
+"Yes, Collins, or Collings, I ain't sure which," said the hardy-looking,
+bronzed seaman, to the gaily-dressed, flippant-mannered, be-whiskered
+man of vast importance, presiding over the affairs of one of our
+"first-class hotels."
+
+"Very indefinite inquiry, then," said the hotel manager.
+
+"Well, I brought this small package from Bremen for a gentleman who came
+out passenger with us some time ago; he left it in Bremen--wanted me to
+fetch it out when the ship returned--here it is."
+
+"What do you want to leave it here for? We know nothing about the man,
+sir."
+
+"You don't? Well, you ought to, for the gentleman put up here, and told
+me he'd be around when we got into port again. He was a deuced clever
+fellow, and you ought to have kept the reckoning of such a man," said
+the seaman.
+
+"Ha, ha! we keep so many clever fellows," said he of the hotel, "that
+they are no novelties, sir."
+
+"I wonder then," said the seaman, "you do not imitate some of them, for
+there's no danger of the world's getting crowded with a crew of good
+men."
+
+"If you have any business with us we shall attend to it, sir, but we
+want none of your impertinence!"
+
+"O, you don't? Well, Mister, I've business aboard of your craft; if
+you're the commodore, I'd like you to see that my friend Collins is
+piped up, or that this package be stowed away where he could come afoul
+of it. His name is Collins; here it is in black and white, on the
+parcel, and here's where I was to drop it."
+
+One of the "understrappers" overhearing the dispute, whispered his
+dignified superior that Mr. Collins, an English gentleman, late from
+Bremen, was in the house, whereupon the dignified empressario, turning
+to the self-possessed man of the sea, said--
+
+"Ah, well, leave the parcel, leave the parcel; we _suppose_ it's
+correct."
+
+"There it is," said the seaman; "commodore, you see that the gentleman
+gets it; and I say," says the sailor, pushing back his hat and giving
+his breeches a regular sailor twitch, "I wish you'd please to say to the
+gentleman, Mr. Collins, you know, that Mr. Brace, first officer of the
+Triton, would like to see him aboard, any time he's at leisure."
+
+But in the multiplicity of greater affairs, the hotel gentleman hardly
+attempted to listen or attend to the sailor's message, and Mr. Brace,
+first officer of the Triton, bore away, muttering to himself--
+
+"These land-crabs mighty apt to put on airs. I'd like to have that
+powder monkey in my watch about a week--I'd have him down by the lifts
+and braces!"
+
+Let us suppose it to be in the glorious month of October, when the
+myriads of travellers by land and ocean are wending their way from the
+chilly north towards the sunny south, when the invalid seeks the tropics
+in pursuit of his health, and the speculative man of business returns
+with his "invoices," to his shop, or factory, where profit leads the
+way.
+
+We are on board ship--the Triton ploughing the deep blue waters of the
+ocean track from Sandy Hook to New Orleans; for October, the weather is
+rather unruly, _damp_, and boisterous. We perceive a number of
+passengers on board, and by near guess of our memory, we see a person or
+two we have seen before. Our be-whiskered friend of the "first-class
+hotel," is there; he does not look so self-possessed and pompous on
+board the heaving and tossing ship as he did behind his marble slab in
+"the office." "The sea, the sea!" as the song says, has quite taken the
+starch out of our stiff friend, who is not enjoying a first-rate time.
+And from an overheard conversation between two hardy, noble specimens of
+men that are men--two officers of the stoutly-timbered ship, the comfort
+of the be-whiskered gentleman is in danger of a commutation.
+
+"Do you know him, Mr. Brace?"
+
+"Yes, I know him; I knew him as soon as I got the cut of his jib coming
+aboard. Now, says I, my larky, you and I've got to travel together, and
+we'll settle a little odd reckoning, if you please, or if you don't
+please, afore we see the Balize. You see, that fellow keeps a crack
+hotel in York; I goes in there to deliver a package for a deuced good
+fellow as ever trod deck, and this powder monkey, loblolly-looking swab,
+puts on his airs, sticks up his nose, and hardly condescends to exchange
+signals with me. Ha! ha! I've met these galore cocks before; I can take
+the tail feathers out of 'em!" says Mr. Brace, who is the same hardy,
+frank and free fellow, with whom the reader has already formed something
+of a brief acquaintance. The person to whom Brace was addressing himself
+was the second officer of the merchantman, and it was settled that
+whatever nautical knowledge and skill could do to make things uneasy for
+Mr. Lollypops, the empressario of the "first-class hotel," was to be
+done, by mutual management of the two salt-water jokers.
+
+"It appears to me, that a--bless me, sir, a--how this ship rolls!" said
+Lollypops, coming upon deck, and addressing Mr. Brace; "I--a never saw a
+ship roll so."
+
+"Heavy sea on, sir," said Brace; "nothing to what we'll catch before a
+week's out."
+
+"Bad coast, I believe, at this time o' year?" said Lollypops, balancing
+himself on first one leg and then the other.
+
+"Worst coast in the world, sir; I'd rather go to Calcutta any time than
+go to Orleans; more vessels lost on the coast than are lost anywhere
+else on the four seas."
+
+"You don't say so!" said Lollypops.
+
+"Fact, sir," said Brace, who occasionally kept exchanging private and
+mysterious signals with the second officer, who held the wheel.
+
+"Let her up a point, Mr. Brown, let her up!" Mr. Brown did let her up,
+and the way the Triton took head down and heels up and a roll to
+windward, did not speak so well for the nautical _menage_ of the
+officers as it did for the quiet deviltry of the salt-water Joe Millers.
+The avalanche of brine inundated the decks, making the sailors look
+quite asquirt, and driving Mr. Lollypops, an ancient voyager or two, and
+sundry other travelling gentry--very suddenly into the cabin. The next
+day the same performance followed; the appearance of Lollypops on deck
+was a signal for Brace or Brown, to go in, get up a double _roll_ on the
+ship, an imaginary gale was discussed, wrecks and reefs, dangerous
+points and dreadful currents were descanted upon, until Mr. Lollypops'
+health, at the end of the first week, was no better fast; in fact, he
+was getting sick of the voyage, while others around grew fat upon it. A
+fine morning induced the invalid to light his regalia and walk the
+decks; immediately Mr. Brace, or Brown, gave orders to wash down the
+decks. Mr. Lollypops went aloft, _ergo_, as far as the main top;
+immediately the first officer had the men "going about," heaving here
+and letting go there; in short, so endangering the hat and underpinning
+of the be-whiskered landlord of the "first-class hotel" that he was fain
+to crawl down, take the wet decks, tip-toe, and crawl into the cabin,
+damp as a dishcloth, and utterly disgusted with what he had seen of the
+sea! Accidentally, one afternoon, a tar pot fell from aloft; somehow or
+other, the careless sailor who held it, or should have held it--"let go
+all" just when Mr. Lollypops was in the immediate neighborhood; the
+result was that he had a splendid dressing-gown and other
+equipments--ruined eternally! Going into the cabin, Lollypops inquires
+for the Captain--
+
+"Sir!" says he, "I am mad, Sir, very mad, Sir; yes, I am, Sir; look at
+me, only look at me! In rough weather we do not expect pleasant times at
+sea, but, Sir, ever since I have been on board, Sir, your infernal
+officers, Sir, have thrown this ship into all manner of unpleasant
+situations, kept the decks wet, rattled chains over my berth,
+wang-banged the rigging around, and finally, by thunder, I'm covered all
+over with villanous soap fat and tar! Now, Sir, this is not all the
+result of accident--it's premeditated rascality!"
+
+"Sir"--says the bully mate, coming forward, at this crisis, "my name's
+Mr. Brace; when I was aboard your craft, in New York, you rather put on
+_airs_, and I said if you and I ever got to sea together--we'd have a
+_blow_ out. Now we're about even; if you're a mind we'll call the matter
+square--"
+
+"Yes, yes, for heaven's sake, let us have no more of this!" says
+Lollypops.
+
+"We'll have a bottle together, and wish for a clean run to Orleans!"
+continued officer Brace.
+
+Lollypops agreed; he not only stood the wine, but got over his anger,
+vowed to look deeper into character, and never again rebuff honest
+manliness, though hid under the coarse costume of a son of Neptune! A
+hearty laugh closed the scene, and fair weather and a fine termination
+attended the voyage of the Triton to New Orleans; for a finer, drier
+craft never danced over the ocean wave, than that good ship, under
+_rational_ management.
+
+
+
+
+The Broomstick Marriage.
+
+
+"Marry in haste and repent at leisure," is a time-honored idea, and
+calls to mind a matrimonial circumstance which, according to pretty
+lively authority, once came about in the glorious Empire State. A
+certain Captain of a Lake Erie steamer, who was blessed with an elegant
+temperament for fun, fashion, and the feminines, was "laid up," over
+winter, near his childhood's home in Genesee county. Having nearly
+exhausted his private stock of jokes, and gone the entire rounds of life
+and liveliness of the season, he bethought him how he should create a
+little _stir_, and have his joke at the expense of a young Doctor, who
+had recently "located" in the neighborhood, and by his rather _taking_
+person and manners, cut something of a swath in the community, and
+especially amongst the _calico!_
+
+The profession of young Esculapius gave him an access to private society
+that ordinary circumstances did not vouch to most men. Among the many
+families with which Dr. Mutandis had formed an acquaintance was that of
+old Capt. Figgles. The Captain was a queer old mortal, who in his hale
+old days had quit life on the ocean wave for the quietude of
+agricultural comfort. The Captain was a blustering salt, whimsical, but
+generous and social, as old sailors most generally are. He was supposed
+to be in easy circumstances, but _how_ easy, very few knew.
+
+Capt. Figgles's family consisted of himself, three daughters, one
+married and "settled," the other two at home; an ancient colored woman,
+who had served in the Captain's family,--ship and shore--a lifetime.
+Dinah and old Sam, her husband, with two or three farm-laborers,
+constituted the Captain's household. Betsy, the youngest daughter, the
+old man's favorite, had been christened Elizabeth, but that not being
+warm enough for Capt. Figgles's idea of attachment, he ever called his
+daughter, Betsy, and so she was called by _almost_ everybody at all
+familiar with the family. Betsy Figgles was not a very poetical subject,
+by name or size. She was a fine, bouncing young woman of
+four-and-twenty; she was dutiful and bountiful, if not beautiful. She
+was useful, and even ornamental in her old father's eyes, and, as he was
+wont to say, in his never-to-be-forgotten salt-water _linguae_--
+
+"Betsy was a _craft_, she was; a square-bilt, trim, well-ballasted
+craft, fore and aft; none of your sky-scraping, taut, Baltimore clipper,
+fair-weather, no-tonnage jigamarees! Betsy is a _woman_; her mother was
+just like her when I fell in with her, and it wasn't long afore I
+chartered her for a life's voyage. And the man who lets such a woman
+slip her cable and stand off soundings, for 'Cowes and a market,' when
+he's got a chance to fill out her papers and take command, is not a
+_man_, but a mouse, or a long-tailed Jamaica rat!"
+
+Between Capt. Tiller, our Lake boatman, and Capt. Figgles, there was an
+intimacy of some years' standing, but the old Captain and the young
+Captain didn't exactly "hitch horses"--whether it was because Capt. T.
+came under the old man's idea of "a Jamaica rat," or because he looked
+upon inland sailors as greenhorns, deponent saith not.
+
+Dr. Mutandis and Capt. Figgles were only upon so-so sort of business
+sociality, though both the junior Captain and the Doctor were intimate
+enough with both the Miss Figgleses. Capt. Tiller, as we intimated, was
+about to leave for coming duties on the Lake, and being so full of old
+Nick, it was indispensable that he must play off a practical joke, or
+have some fun with somebody, as a sort of a yarn for the season, on his
+boat.
+
+The Figgleses announced a grand quilting scrape; the Doctor and Captain
+were among the invited guests, of course, and for some hours the
+assembled party had indeed as grand a good time generally as usually
+falls to the lot of a country community. Old black Ebenezer--but whose
+name had also been cut down for convenience sake to _Sam_, by the old
+Captain--did the orchestral duties upon his fiddle, which, aided by a
+youngster on the triangle and another on the tambourine, formed quite "a
+full band" for the occasion, and dancing was done up in style!
+
+As a sort of "change of scene" or divertisement in the programme,
+somebody proposed games of this and games of that, and while old Capt.
+Figgles was as busy as "a flea in a tar bucket"--to use the old
+gentleman's simile--fulminating and fabricating a rousing bowl of egg
+flip for the entire party, Capt. Tiller and Dr. Mutandis were sort of
+paired off with a party of eight, in which were the two Miss Figgleses,
+to get up their own game.
+
+"Good!" says Capt. Tiller, "pair off with Miss Betsy, Doctor, and I'll
+pair off with Miss Sally (the older daughter of Capt. F.), and now what
+say you? Let's make up a wedding-party--_let's jump the broomstick!_"
+
+"Agreed!" cries the Doctor. "Who'll be the parson?"
+
+"I'll be parson," says Capt. T.
+
+"Well, get your book."
+
+"Here it is!" cries another, poking a specimen of current Scripture into
+the _pseudo_ parson's hands.
+
+"Miss Betsy and Dr. Mutandis, stand up," says Capt. Tiller, assuming
+quite the air and grace of the parson.
+
+Bridesmaids, grooms, &c., were soon arranged in due order, and the
+interesting ceremony of joining hands and hearts in one happy bond of
+mutual and indissoluble (slightly, sometimes!) love and obedience was
+progressing.
+
+"Cap'n Figgles, you're wanted," says one, interrupting the old man, now
+busy concocting his grog for all hands.
+
+"Go to blazes, you son of a sea cook!" cries the old gentleman; "haven't
+you common decency to see when a man's engaged in a _calculation_ he
+oughtn't to be disturbed, eh?"
+
+"But Betsy's going to be married!" insists the disturber, who, in fact,
+was half-seas over in infatuation with Miss Betsy, and had had a slight
+inkling of a fact that by the law of the State anybody could marry a
+couple, and the marriage would be as obligatory upon the parties as
+though performed by the identical legal authorities to whom young folks
+"in a bad way" are in the habit of appealing for relief.
+
+"Let 'em heave ahead, you marine!" cries Capt. Figgles.
+
+"Are you really willing to allow it?" continues the swain.
+
+"Me willing? It's Betsy's affair; let her keep the lookout," said the
+old gent.
+
+"But don't you know, Cap'n----"
+
+"No! nor I don't care, you swab!" cries the excited Captain. "Bear away
+out of here," he continued, beginning to get down the glasses from the
+corner-cupboard shelves, "unless--but stop! hold on! here, take this
+waiter, Jones, and bear a hand with the grog, unless you want to stand
+by, and see the ship's company go down by the lifts and braces, dry as
+powder-monkeys! There; now pipe all hands--ship aho-o-o-oy!" bawls the
+old Captain; "bear up, the whole fleet! Now splice the main-brace! Don't
+nobody stand back, like loblolly boys at a funeral--come up and try
+Capt. Figgles's grog!"
+
+And up they came, the entire crew, old Ebenezer to the _le'ard_,
+sweating like an ox, and laying off for the piping bowl he knew he was
+"in for" from the hands of his indulgent old master.
+
+In the mean time, the marriage ceremony had had its hour, and the bride
+and bridegroom were "skylarking" with the rest of the company as
+happily together as turtle-doves in a clover-patch. The evening's
+entertainment wound up with an old-fashioned dance, and the quilting
+ended. Dr. Mutandis lived some five miles distant, and having a call to
+make the next morning near Capt. Figgles's farm, Dr. M. concluded to
+stop with the Captain. As Capt. Tiller was leaving, he took occasion to
+whisper into the ear of his medical friend--
+
+"I wish you much joy, my fine fellow; you're married, if you did but
+know it--fast as a church! Good time to you and Betsy!"
+
+"The devil!" says the Doctor, musingly; "it strikes me, since I come to
+think it over, that the laws of this State do privilege anybody to marry
+a couple! By thunder! it would be a fine spot of work for me if I was
+held to the ceremony by Miss Figgles!"
+
+But the Doctor kept quiet, and next morning, after breakfast, he
+departed upon his business. He had no sooner entered the house of his
+patient, than he was wished much joy and congratulated upon the
+_fatness_ and jolly good nature of his bride!
+
+"But," says the Doctor, "you're mistaken in this affair. It's all a
+hoax--a mere bit of fun!"
+
+"Ha! ha!" laughed his patient, "fun?--you call getting married _fun_?"
+
+"Yes," said the Doctor; "we were down at Capt. Figgles's; there was a
+quilting and sort of a frolic going on----"
+
+"Yes, we heard of it."
+
+"And, in fun, to keep up the sports of the evening, Capt. Tiller
+proposed to marry some of us. So Miss Figgles and I stood up, and
+Captain Tiller acted parson, and we had some sport."
+
+"Well," says the farmer (proprietor of the house), "Capt. Tiller has got
+you into a tight place, Doctor; he's been around, laughing at the trick
+he's played you, as perhaps you were not aware of the fact that by the
+law you are now just as legally and surely married as though the knot
+was tied by five dozen parsons or magistrates!"
+
+"I'll shoot Capt. Tiller, by Heavens!" cries the enraged Doctor. "He's a
+scoundrel! I'll crop his ears but I'll have satisfaction!"
+
+"Pooh!" says the farmer, "if Betsy Figgles does not object, and her
+father is willing and satisfied with the match as it is, I don't see,
+Doctor, that you need mind the matter."
+
+"I'll be revenged!" cries the Doctor.
+
+"You were never previously married, were you?" says the farmer.
+
+"No, sir," replied the Doctor.
+
+"Engaged to any lady?" continued the interrogator.
+
+"No, sir; I am too poor, too busy to think of such a folly as increasing
+my responsibilities to society!"
+
+"Then, sir," said the farmer, "allow me to congratulate you upon this
+very fortunate event, rather than a disagreeable joke, for Capt. Figgles
+is worth nearly a quarter of a million of dollars, sir; and Miss Betsy
+is no gaudy butterfly, but, sir, she's an excellent girl, whom you may
+be proud of as your wife."
+
+"'Squire," says the Doctor, "jump in with me, and go back to the
+Captain's and assist me to back out, beg the pardon of Miss Figgles and
+her father, and terminate this unpleasant farce."
+
+The magistrate-farmer got into the Doctor's gig, and soon they were at
+Capt. Figgles's door.
+
+"Captain," says the Doctor, "I don't know what excuse I _can_ offer for
+the fool I've made of myself, through that puppy, Capt. Tiller, but,
+sir----"
+
+"Look a-here!" says the Captain, staring the Doctor broad in the face,
+"I've got wind of the whole affair; now ease off your palaver. You've
+married my daughter Betsy, in a joke; she's fit for the wife of a
+Commodore, and all I've got to say is, if you want her, take her; if
+you don't want her, you're a fool, and ought to be made a powder-monkey
+for the rest of your natural life."
+
+"But the lady's will and wishes have not been consulted, sir."
+
+"Betsy!" cries the old Captain, "come here. What say you--are you
+willing to remain spliced with the Doctor, or not? Hold up your head, my
+gal--speak out!"
+
+"Yes--_I'm agreed, if he is_," said she.
+
+"Well said, hurrah!" cries the Captain. "Now, sir (to the Doctor), to
+make all right and tight, I here give you, in presence of the 'Squire,
+my favorite daughter Betsy, and one of the best farms in the State of
+New York. Are you satisfied, Doctor?"
+
+"Captain, I am. I shall try, sir, to make your daughter a happy woman!"
+returned the Doctor, and he did; he became the founder of a large
+family, and one of the wealthiest men in the State.
+
+Rather pleased, finally, with the _joke_, the Doctor managed to turn it
+upon the Captain, who in due course of law was arrested upon the charge
+of illegally personating a parson, and marrying a couple without a
+license! He was fined fifty dollars and costs; and of course was thus
+caused to laugh on the wrong side of his mouth.
+
+
+
+
+Appearances are Deceitful.
+
+
+There are a great many good jokes told of the false notions formed as to
+the character and standing of persons, as judged by their dress and
+other outward signs. It is asserted, that a fine coat and silvery tone
+of voice, are no evidence of the gentleman, and few people of the
+present day will have the hardihood to assert that a blunt address, or
+shabby coat, are infallible recommendations for putting, however honest,
+or worthy, a man in a prominent attitude before the world, or the
+community he moves in. Some men of wealth, for the sake of variety,
+sometimes assume an eccentric or coarseness of costume, that answers all
+very well, as long as they keep where they are known; but to find out
+the levelling principles of utter nothingness among your fellow mortals,
+only assume a shabby apparel and stroll out among strangers, and you'll
+be essentially _knocked_ by the force of these facts. However, in this
+or almost any other Christian community, there is little, if any excuse,
+for a man, woman, or child going about or being "shabby." Let your
+garments, however coarse, be made clean and whole, and keep them so; if
+you have but one shirt and that minus sleeves and body, have the
+fragments washed, and make not your face and hands a stranger to the
+refreshing and purifying effects of water.
+
+General Pinckney was one of the old school gentlemen of South Carolina.
+A man he was of the most punctilious precision in manners and customs,
+in courtesy, and cleanliness of dress and person; a man of brilliant
+talents, and, in every sense of the word, "a perfect gentleman!" Mr.
+Pinckney was one of the members of the first Congress, and during his
+sojourn in Philadelphia, boarded with an old lady by the name of Hall, I
+think--Mrs. Hall, a staid, prim and precise dame of the old regime.
+Mistress Hall was a widow; she kept but few boarders in her fine old
+mansion, on Chestnut street, and her few boarders were mostly members of
+Congress, or belonged to the Continental army. Never, since the days of
+that remarkable lady we read of in the books, who made her servant take
+her chair out of doors, and air it, if any body by chance sat down on
+it, and who was known to empty her tea-kettle, because somebody crossed
+the hearth during the operation of boiling water for tea,--exceeded
+Mistress Hall in domestic prudery and etiquette; hence it may be well
+imagined that "shabby people" and the "small fry" generally, found
+little or no favor in the eyes of the Quaker landlady of "ye olden
+time."
+
+General Pinckney having served out his term or resigned his place, it
+was filled by another noted individual of Charleston, General Lowndes,
+one of the most courteous and talented men of his day, but the
+slovenliest and most shockingly ill-accoutred man on record. But for the
+care and watchfulness of one of the most superb women in existence at
+the time--Mrs. Lowndes,--the General would probably have frequently
+appeared in public, with his coat inside out, and his shirt over all!
+
+General Lowndes, in starting for Philadelphia, was recommended by his
+friend Pinckney, to put up at Mistress Hall's; General P. giving General
+Lowndes a letter of introduction to that lady. Travelling was a slow and
+tedious, as well as fatiguing and dirty operation, at that day, so that
+after a journey from Charleston to Philadelphia, even a man with some
+pretensions to dress and respectable _contour_, would be apt to look a
+little "mussy;" but for the poor General's part, he looked hard enough,
+in all conscience, and had he known the _effect_ such an appearance was
+likely to produce upon Mistress Hall, he would not have had the
+temerity of invading her premises. But the General's views were far
+above "buttons," leather, and prunella. Such a thing as paying
+deferential courtesies to a man's garments, was something not dreamed of
+in his philosophy.
+
+"Mrs. Hall's, I believe?" said the General, to a servant answering the
+ponderous, lion-headed knocker.
+
+"Yes, sah," responded the sable waiter. "Walk dis way, sah, into de
+parlor, sah."
+
+The General stalked in, leisurely; around the fire-place were seated a
+dozen of the boarders, the aforesaid "big bugs" of the olden time. Not
+one moved to offer the stranger a seat by the fire, although his warm
+Southern blood was pretty well congealed by the frosty air of the
+evening. The General pulled off his gloves, laid down his great heavy
+and dusty valice, and quietly took a remote seat to await the presence
+of the landlady. She came, lofty and imposing; coming into the parlor,
+with her astute cap upon her majestic head, her gold spectacles upon her
+nose, as stately as a stage queen!
+
+"Good evening," said the gallant General, rising and making a very
+polite bow. "Mrs. Hall, I presume?"
+
+"Yes, sir," she responded, stiffly, and eyeing Lowndes with considerable
+diffidence. "Any business with me, sir?"
+
+"Yes, madam," responded the General, "I--a--purpose remaining in the
+city some time, and--a--I shall be pleased to put up with you."
+
+"That's impossible, sir," was the ready and decisive reply. "My house is
+full; I cannot accommodate you."
+
+"Well, really, that _will_ be a disappointment, indeed," said the
+General, "for I'm quite a stranger in the city, and may find it
+difficult to procure permanent lodgings."
+
+"I presume not, sir," said she; "there are _taverns_ enough, where
+strangers are entertained."
+
+The gentlemen around the fire, never offered to tender the stranger any
+information upon the subject, but several eyed him very hard, and
+doubtless felt pleased to see the discomfitted and ill-accoutred
+traveller seize his baggage, adjust his dusty coat, and start out, which
+_he_ was evidently very loth to do.
+
+Just as Lowndes had reached the parlor door, it occurred to him that
+Pinckney had recommended him to "put up" at the widow's, and also had
+given him a letter of introduction to Mrs. Hall. This reminiscence
+caused the General to retrace his steps back into the parlor, where,
+placing his portmanteau on the table, he applied the key and opened it,
+and began fumbling around for his letters, to the no small wonder of the
+landlady and her respectable boarders.
+
+"I have here, I believe, madam, a letter for you," blandly said the
+General, still overhauling his baggage.
+
+"A letter for _me_, sir?" responded the lady.
+
+"Yes, madam, from an old friend of yours, who recommended me to stop
+with you. Ah, here it is, from your friend General Pinckney, of South
+Carolina."
+
+"General Pinckney!" echoed the landlady, all the gentlemen present
+cocking their eyes and ears! The widow tore open the letter, while
+Lowndes calmly fastened up his portmanteau, and all of a sudden, quite
+an incarnation spread its roseate hues over her still elegant features.
+
+Lowndes seized his baggage, and, with a "good evening, madam, good
+evening, gentlemen," was about to leave the institution, when the lady
+arrested him with:
+
+"Stop, if you please, sir; this is General Lowndes, I believe?"
+
+"General Lowndes, madam, at your service," said he, with a dignified
+bow.
+
+According to all accounts, just then, there was a very sudden rising
+about the fire-place, and a twinkling of chairs, as if they had all just
+been _struck_ with the idea that there was a stranger about!
+
+"Keep your seats, gentlemen," said the General; "I don't wish to disturb
+any of you, as I'm about to leave."
+
+"General Lowndes," said the widow, "any friend of Mr. Pinckney is
+welcome to my house. Though we are full, I can make room for _you_,
+sir."
+
+The General stopped, and the widow and he became first-rate friends,
+when they became better acquainted.
+
+
+
+
+Cigar Smoke
+
+
+Few persons can readily conceive of the amount of cigars consumed in
+this country, daily, to say little or nothing of the yearly smokers. The
+growing passion for the noxious weed is truly any thing but pleasantly
+contemplative. A boy commences smoking at ten or a dozen years old, and
+by the time he should be "of age," he is, in various hot-house developed
+faculties, quite advanced in years! And street smoking, too, has
+increased, at a rate, within a year past, that bids fair to make the
+Puritan breezes of our evenings as redolent of "smoke and smell," as
+meets one's nasal organic faculties upon paying a pop visit to New York.
+There is but one idea of useful import that we can advance in favor of
+smoking, to any great extent, in our city: consumption and asthmatic
+disorders generally are more prevalent here than in other and more
+southern climates, and for the protection of the lungs, cigar smoking,
+to a moderate extent, may be useful, as well as pleasurable; but an
+indiscriminate "looseness" in smoking is not only a dead waste of much
+ready money, but injurious to the eyes, teeth, breath, taste, smell, and
+all other senses.
+
+
+
+
+An Everlasting Tall Duel
+
+
+After all the vicissitudes, ups and downs of a soldier's life,
+especially in such a campaign as that in Mexico, there is a great deal
+of music mixed up with the misery, fun with the fuss and feathers, and
+incident enough to last a man the balance of a long lifetime.
+
+While camped at Camargo, the officers and privates of the Ohio volunteer
+regiment were paid off one day, and, of course, all who could get
+_leave_, started to town, to have a time, and get clear of their hard
+earnings.
+
+The Mexicans were some pleased, and greatly illuminated by the
+Americans, that and the succeeding day. Several of the officers invested
+a portion of their funds in mules and mustangs. Among the rest, Lieut.
+Dick Mason and Adjt. Wash. Armstrong set up their private teams. Now, it
+so fell out, that one of Armstrong's men stole Mason's mule, and being
+caught during the day with the stolen property on him, or he on it, the
+high-handed private, (who, barring his propensity to ride in preference
+to walking, was a very clever sort of fellow, and rather popular with
+the Adjutant,) nabbed him as a hawk would a pip-chicken.
+
+"If I catch the fellow who stole my mule," quoth Lieut. Dick, "I'll give
+him a lamming he won't forget soon!"
+
+And, good as his word, when the man was taken, the Lieutenant had him
+whipped severely. This riled up Adjt. Wash., who, in good, round,
+unvarnished terms, volunteered to lick the Lieutenant--out of his
+leathers! From words they came to blows, very expeditiously, and somehow
+or other the Lieutenant came out second best--bad licked! This sort of
+a finale did not set well upon the stomach of the gallant Lieutenant; so
+he ups and writes a challenge to the Adjutant to meet in mortal combat;
+and readily finding a second, the challenge was signed, sealed, and
+delivered to Adjt. Armstrong, Company ----, Ohio volunteers. All these
+preliminaries were carried on in, or very near in, Camargo. The Adjutant
+readily accepted the invitation to step out and be shot at; and, having
+scared up his second, and having no heirs or assigns, goods, chattels,
+or other sublunary matters to adjust, no time was lost in making wills
+or leaving posthumous information. The duel went forward with alacrity,
+but all of a sudden it was discovered by the several interested parties
+that no arms were in the crowd. It would not very well do to go to camp
+and look for duelling weapons; so it was proposed to do the best that
+could be done under the circumstances, and buy such murderous tools as
+could be found at hand, and go into the merits of the case at once. At
+length the Adjutant and friend chanced upon a machine supposed to be a
+pistol, brought over to the Continent, most probably, by Cortez, in the
+year 1--sometime. It was a _scrougin_' thing to hold powder and lead,
+and went off once in three times with the intonation of a four-pounder.
+
+"Hang the difference," says the Adjutant; "it will do."
+
+"Must do," the second replies; and so paying for the tool, and
+swallowing down a fresh invoice of _ardiente_, the fighting men start to
+muster up their opponents, whom they found armed and equipped, upon a
+footing equal to the other side, or pretty near it, the Lieutenant
+having a little _heavier_ piece, with a bore into which a gill measure
+might be thrown.
+
+"But--the difference!" cried seconds and principals.
+
+"Let's fight, not talk," says the Adjutant.
+
+"That's my opinion, gentlemen, exactly," the Lieutenant responds.
+
+"Where shall we go?"
+
+"Anywhere!"
+
+"Better get out into the chaparral," say the cautious seconds; "don't
+want a crowd. Come on!" continue the seconds, very valorously; "let's
+fight!"
+
+"Here's the ground!" cries one, as the parties reach a chaparral, a mile
+or so from town; "here is our ground!"
+
+The principals stared around as if rather uncertain about that, for the
+bushes were so thick and high that precious little _ground_ was visible.
+
+"It ain't worth while, gentlemen, to toss up for positions, is it?" says
+the Adjutant's second.
+
+"No," cry both principals. "Measure off the _ground_, if you can find
+it; let us go to work."
+
+"That's the talk!" says the Adjutant's second.
+
+"Measure off thirty paces," the Lieutenant's second responds.
+
+"No, ten!" cry the principals.
+
+"Twenty paces or no fight!" insists the Adjutant's second. "Twenty
+paces; one, two, three----"
+
+And the seconds trod off as best they could the distance, the pieces
+were loaded, the several bipeds took a drink all around from an ample
+jug of the R. G. they brought for the purpose, and then began the
+memorable duel. The principals were placed in their respective
+positions, to rake down each other; and from a safer point of the
+compass the seconds gave the word.
+
+"Bang-g-g!" went the Adjutant's piece, knocking him down flat as a
+hoe-cake.
+
+"F-f-f-izzy!" and the Lieutenant's piece hung fire.
+
+The seconds flew to their men; a parley took place upon a "question"
+whether the Lieutenant had a _right_ to prime and fire again, or not.
+The Adjutant being set upon his pins; declared himself ready and willing
+to let the Lieutenant blaze away! The point was finally settled by
+loading up the Adjutant's piece, and priming that of the Lieutenant,
+placing the men, and giving the word,
+
+"One, two, three!"
+
+"Wang-g-g-g!"
+
+"Fiz-a-bang-g-g-g!"
+
+The seconds ran, or hobbled forward, each to his man, both being down;
+but whether by concussion, recoil of their fusees, force of the liquor,
+or weakness of the knee-pans, was a hard fact to solve.
+
+"Hurt, Wash.?"
+
+"Not a bit!" cries the Adjutant, getting up.
+
+"Hit, Dick?"
+
+"No, _sir!_" shouts the Lieutenant; "good as new!"
+
+"Set 'em up!"
+
+"Take your places, gentlemen!" cry the seconds.
+
+All ready. Wang! bang! go the pieces, and down ker-_chug_ go both men
+again. The seconds rush forward, raise their men, all safe, load up
+again, take a drink, all right.
+
+"Make ready, take aim, fire!"
+
+"Wang-g-g!"
+
+"Bang-g-g!"
+
+Both down again, the Lieutenant's coat-tail slightly dislocated, and the
+Adjutant dangerously wounded in the leg of his breeches! Both parties
+getting very mad, very tired, and very anxious to try it on at ten
+paces. Seconds object, pieces loaded up again, principals arranged, and,
+
+"One, two, three, fire!"
+
+"Wang-g-g-g!"
+
+"Bang-g-g!"
+
+All down--load up again--take a drink--fire! and down they go again. It
+is very natural to suppose that all this firing attracted somebody's
+attention, and somebody came poking around to see what it was all about;
+and just then, as four or five Mexicans came peeping and peering through
+the chaparral, Dick and Wash. let drive--Bang-g! wang-g! and though it
+seemed impossible to hit one another, the slugs, ricochetting over and
+through the chaparral, knocked down two Mexicans, who yelled sanguinary
+murder, and the rest of their friends took to their heels. The seconds,
+not _quite_ so "tight" as the principals, took warning in time to
+evacuate the field of honor, Lieut. Dick's second taking him one way,
+and Ajt. Wash.'s friend going another, just as a "Corporal's Guard" made
+their appearance to arrest the _rioters_. In spite of the poor Mexicans'
+protestations, or endeavors to make out a true case, they were taken up
+and carried to the Guard-House, for shooting one another, and raising a
+row in general. A night's repose brought the morning's reflection, when
+the previous day's performances were laughed at, if not forgotten. Wash,
+and Dick became good friends, of course, and cemented the bonds of
+fraternity in the bloody work of a day or two afterwards, in storming
+Monterey.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+THE END.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+
+
+
+ T. B. PETERSON'S LIST OF PUBLICATIONS
+
+
+ WIDDIFIELD'S
+
+ NEW COOK BOOK:
+
+ OR,
+
+ PRACTICAL RECEIPTS FOR THE HOUSEWIFE.
+
+ BY
+
+ HANNAH WIDDIFIELD,
+
+ _Celebrated for many Years for the superiority of every article
+ she made, in South Ninth Street, above Spruce, Philadelphia._
+
+Complete in one large duodecimo volume, strongly bound. Price One
+Dollar.
+
+There is not a lady living, but should possess themselves of a copy of
+this work at once. It will give you all better meals and make your cost
+of living less, and keep your husbands, sons, and brothers in an
+excellent humor. It is recommended by thousands, and is the _best_ and
+only complete Book on all kinds of Cookery extant. It is written so that
+all can understand it. It is taking the place of all other Cook Books,
+for a person possessing "WIDDIFIELD'S NEW COOK BOOK" needs no other, as
+a copy of this is worth all the other books, called Cook Books, in the
+World.
+
+_Read what the Editor of the Dollar Newspaper says about it._
+
+"The authoress of this work long enjoyed great celebrity with the best
+families in Philadelphia as the most thoroughly informed lady in her
+profession in this country. Her Establishment, on Ninth above Spruce
+street, has long enjoyed the patronage of the best livers in our city.
+The receipts cover almost every variety of cake or dish, and every
+species of cooking. One great advantage which this book enjoys over
+almost every other is the simplicity with which the ingredients are set
+forth, and the comparatively moderate cost at which particular receipts
+may be got up. In most cook books the directions cover so large a cost,
+that to common livers the directions had almost as well not be given.
+This objection has been measurably removed in this new volume. Another
+important matter is, no receipts are contained in it but those fully
+tested, not only by the author, but by cooks and housekeepers most
+competent to judge. The volume opens with directions for soup, for fish,
+oysters, meat, poultry, etc. In addition to all this, much attention has
+been given to directions for the preparation of dishes for the sick and
+convalescent. Mr. Peterson has issued the volume in handsome style,
+wisely, as we think, using large type and good paper. The book is sold
+at, or will be sent to any part of the Union, free of postage, on
+receipt of One Dollar."
+
+_Read what the Editor of the Saturday Evening Post says of it._
+
+"A number of good books on this subject have been published lately, but
+this is unquestionably the best that we have ever seen Its superiority
+is in the clearness, and brevity, and the practical directness of the
+receipts; they are easily understood and followed. The book looks like
+what it is, the ripe fruit of many years' successful practice. The
+establishment of Mrs. Widdifield has for many years held the first rank
+in Philadelphia for the unvarying excellence of every article there
+made; and now she crowns her well deserved celebrity by giving to the
+world _the best book that has been written on the subject of cookery_.
+The clear type in which the publisher presents it is no slight addition
+to its value."
+
+_Read what the Editor of the Public Ledger says of it._
+
+"A Valuable Work.--Next to having something to eat is having it cooked
+in a style fit to be eaten. Every housekeeper does not understand this
+art, and, probably, only for want of a little elementary teaching. This
+want is easily supplied, for T. B. Peterson has just published Mrs.
+Widdifield's New Cook Book, in which the experience of that celebrated
+person in this line is given so clearly and with such precise details,
+that any housekeeper of sufficient capacity to undertake the management
+of household affairs, can make herself an accomplished caterer for the
+table without serving an apprenticeship to the business. The book is
+published in one volume, the typography good, and paper excellent, with
+as much real useful information in the volume as would be worth a dozen
+times its price. Get it at once."
+
+_Read what the Editors' wives think of it._
+
+"It is unquestionably the _best_ Cook Book we have ever
+seen."--_Saturday Evening Post._
+
+"It is _the best_ of the many works on Cookery which have appeared. The
+receipts are all plain and practical, and have never before appeared in
+print."--_Germantown Telegraph._
+
+"It is the _best_ Cook Book out. Every housewife or lady should get a
+copy at once."--_Berks Co. Press._
+
+"We have no hesitation in pronouncing it the best work on the subject of
+Cookery extant."--_Ladies' National Magazine._
+
+"It is the _very best_ book on Cookery and Receipts published."--_Dollar
+Newspaper._
+
+"It is the _very best family Cook Book in existence_, and we cordially
+recommend it as such to our readers."--_Evening Bulletin._
+
+"It is _the best Cook Book_ we have ever seen."--_Washington Union._
+
+" Copies of the above celebrated Cook Book will be sent to any one to
+any place, _free of postage_, on remitting One Dollar to the Publisher,
+in a letter. Published and for sale at the Cheap Bookselling and
+Publishing House of
+
+ T. B. PETERSON,
+
+ No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.
+ _To whom all orders must come addressed._
+
+
+ BOOKS SENT EVERYWHERE FREE OF POSTAGE.
+
+
+ BOOKS FOR EVERYBODY AT GREATLY REDUCED RATES.
+
+ PUBLISHED AND FOR SALE BY
+
+ T. B. PETERSON,
+
+ No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philad'a.
+
+ IN THIS CATALOGUE WILL BE FOUND THE LATEST
+ AND BEST WORKS BY THE MOST POPULAR AND
+ CELEBRATED WRITERS IN THE WORLD.
+
+ AMONG WHICH WILL BE FOUND
+
+ CHARLES DICKENS'S, MRS. CAROLINE LEE HENTZ'S, SIR E. L. BULWER'S,
+ G. P. R. JAMES'S, ELLEN PICKERING'S, CAPTAIN MARRYATT'S, MRS. GREY'S,
+ T. S. ARTHUR'S, CHARLES LEVER'S, ALEXANDRE DUMAS', W. HARRISON
+ AINSWORTH'S, D'ISRAELI'S, THACKERAY'S, SAMUEL WARREN'S, EMERSON
+ BENNETT'S, GEORGE LIPPARD'S, REYNOLDS', C. J. PETERSON'S, PETERSON'S
+ HUMOROUS AMERICAN WORKS, HENRY COCKTON'S, EUGENE SUE'S, GEORGE SANDS',
+ CURRER BELL'S, AND ALL THE OTHER BEST AUTHORS IN THE WORLD.
+
+ "The best way is to look through the Catalogue, and see what
+ books are in it. You will all be amply repaid for your trouble.
+
+SPECIAL NOTICE TO EVERYBODY.--Any person whatever in this country,
+wishing any of the works in this Catalogue, on remitting the price of
+the ones they wish, in a letter, directed to T. B. Peterson, No. 102
+Chestnut Street, Philadelphia, shall have them sent by return of mail,
+to any place in the United States, _free of postage_. This is a splendid
+offer, as any one can get books to the most remote place in the country,
+for the regular price sold in the large cities, _free of postage_, on
+sending for them.
+
+" All orders thankfully received and filled with despatch, and sent by
+return of mail, or express, or stage, or in any other way the person
+ordering may direct. Booksellers, News Agents, Pedlars, and all others
+supplied with any works published in the world, at the lowest rates.
+
+" Any Book published, or advertised by any one, can be had here.
+
+" Agents, Pedlars, Canvassers, Booksellers, News Agents, &c., throughout
+the country, who wish to make money on a small capital, would do well to
+address the undersigned, who will furnish a complete outfit for a
+comparatively small amount. Send by all means, for whatever books you
+may wish, to the Publishing and Bookselling Establishment of
+
+T. B. PETERSON, No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.
+
+
+ T. B. PETERSON,
+
+ No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia,
+
+ HAS JUST PUBLISHED AND FOR SALE,
+
+ STEREOTYPE EDITIONS OF THE FOLLOWING WORKS,
+
+ Which will be found to be the Best and Latest Publications,
+ by the Most Popular and Celebrated Writers in the World.
+
+ Every work published for Sale here, either at Wholesale or Retail.
+
+ All Books in this Catalogue will be sent to any one to any place,
+ per mail, _free of postage_, on receipt of the price.
+
+
+MRS. SOUTHWORTH'S Celebrated WORKS.
+
+With a beautiful Illustration in each volume.
+
+INDIA. THE PEARL OF PEARL RIVER. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. This
+is her new work, and is equal to any of her previous ones. Complete in
+two large volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one
+volume, cloth, for $1,25.
+
+THE MISSING BRIDE; OR, MIRIAM THE AVENGER. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N.
+Southworth. Complete in two volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or
+bound in one volume, cloth, for $1,25.
+
+THE LOST HEIRESS. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Being a Splendid
+Picture of American Life. It is a work of powerful interest. It is
+embellished with a beautiful Portrait and Autograph of the author.
+Complete in two vols., paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one
+volume, cloth, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+THE WIFE'S VICTORY; AND NINE OTHER NOUVELLETTES. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N.
+Southworth. Complete in two volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or
+bound in one volume, cloth, for $1,25.
+
+THE CURSE OF CLIFTON. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Complete in two
+volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one volume, cloth,
+gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+THE DISCARDED DAUGHTER. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Complete in
+two volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in cloth, gilt, for
+One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+THE DESERTED WIFE. By Mrs. Emma D. E. N. Southworth. Complete in two
+volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one volume, cloth,
+gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+THE INITIALS. A LOVE STORY OF MODERN LIFE. By a daughter of the
+celebrated Lord Erskine, formerly Lord High Chancellor of England. This
+is a celebrated and world-renowned work. It is one of the best works
+ever published in the English language, and will be read for generations
+to come, and rank by the side of Sir Walter Scott's celebrated novels.
+Complete in two volumes, paper cover. Price One Dollar; or bound in one
+volume, cloth, gilt, for One Dollar and Twenty-five cents a copy.
+
+
+CHARLES DICKENS' WORKS.
+
+The best and most popular in the world. Ten different editions. No
+Library can be complete without a Sett of these Works. Reprinted from
+the Author's last Editions.
+
+"PETERSON'S" is the only complete and uniform edition of Charles
+Dickens' works published in America; they are reprinted from the
+original London editions, and are now the only edition published in this
+country. No library, either public or private, can be complete without
+having in it a complete sett of the works of this, the greatest of all
+living authors. Every family should possess a sett of one of the
+editions. The cheap edition is complete in Twelve Volumes, paper cover;
+either or all of which can be had separately. Price Fifty cents each.
+The following are their names.
+
+ DAVID COPPERFIELD,
+ NICHOLAS NICKLEBY,
+ PICKWICK PAPERS,
+ DOMBEY AND SON,
+ MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT,
+ BARNABY RUDGE,
+ OLD CURIOSITY SHOP,
+ SKETCHES BY "BOZ,"
+ OLIVER TWIST
+ BLEAK HOUSE
+
+DICKENS' NEW STORIES. Containing The Seven Poor Travellers. Nine New
+Stories by the Christmas Fire. Hard Times. Lizzie Leigh. The Miner's
+Daughters, etc.
+
+CHRISTMAS STORIES. Containing--A Christmas Carol. The Chimes. Cricket on
+the Hearth. Battle of Life. Haunted Man, and Pictures from Italy.
+
+A complete sett of the above edition, twelve volumes in all, will be
+sent to any one to any place, _free of postage_, for Five Dollars.
+
+COMPLETE LIBRARY EDITION.
+
+In FIVE large octavo volumes, with a Portrait, on Steel, of Charles
+Dickens, containing over Four Thousand very large pages, handsomely
+printed, and bound in various styles.
+
+Volume 1 contains Pickwick Papers and Curiosity Shop.
+
+ " 2 do. Oliver Twist, Sketches by "Boz," and Barnaby Rudge.
+
+ " 3 do. Nicholas Nickleby and Martin Chuzzlewit.
+
+ " 4 do. David Copperfield, Dombey and Son, Christmas Stories,
+ and Pictures from Italy.
+
+ " 5 do. Bleak House, and Dickens' New Stories. Containing The
+ Seven Poor Travellers. Nine New Stories
+ by the Christmas Fire. Hard Times. Lizzie
+ Leigh. The Miner's Daughters, and Fortune
+ Wildred, etc.
+
+Price of a complete sett. Bound in Black cloth, full gilt back, $7.50
+
+ " " " scarlet cloth, extra, 8 50
+
+ " " " library sheep, 9 00
+
+ " " " half turkey morocco, 11 00
+
+ " " " half calf, antique, 15 00
+
+ " _Illustrated Edition is described on next page._ "
+
+
+ILLUSTRATED EDITION OF DICKENS' WORKS.
+
+This edition is printed on very thick and fine white paper, and is
+profusely illustrated, with all the original illustrations by
+Cruikshank, Alfred Crowquill, Phiz, etc., from the original London
+edition, on copper, steel, and wood. Each volume contains a novel
+complete, and may be had in complete setts, beautifully bound in cloth,
+for Eighteen Dollars for the sett in twelve volumes, or any volume will
+be sold separately, as follows:
+
+ BLEAK HOUSE, _Price_, $1 50
+ PICKWICK PAPERS, 1 50
+ OLD CURIOSITY SHOP, 1 50
+ OLIVER TWIST, 1 50
+ SKETCHES BY "BOZ," 1 50
+ BARNABY RUDGE, 1 50
+ NICHOLAS NICKLEBY, 1 50
+ MARTIN CHUZZLEWIT, 1 50
+ DAVID COPPERFIELD, 1 50
+ DOMBEY AND SON, 1 50
+ CHRISTMAS STORIES, 1 50
+ DICKENS' NEW STORIES, 1 50
+
+Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated Edition, in twelve vols., in
+black cloth, gilt back, $18,00
+
+Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated Edition, in twelve vols., in
+full law library sheep, $24,00
+
+Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated edition, in twelve vols., in
+half turkey Morocco, $27,00
+
+Price of a complete sett of the Illustrated Edition, in twelve vols., in
+half calf, antique, $36,00
+
+_All subsequent work by Charles Dickens will be issued in uniform style
+with all the previous ten different editions._
+
+
+CAPTAIN MARRYATT'S WORKS.
+
+Either of which can be had separately. Price of all except the four last
+is 25 cents each. They are printed on the finest white paper, and each
+forms one large octavo volume, complete in itself.
+
+ PETER SIMPLE.
+ JACOB FAITHFUL.
+ THE PHANTOM SHIP.
+ MIDSHIPMAN EASY.
+ KING'S OWN.
+ NEWTON FORSTER.
+ JAPHET IN SEARCH OF A FATHER.
+ PACHA OF MANY TALES.
+ NAVAL OFFICER.
+ PIRATE AND THREE CUTTERS.
+ SNARLEYYOW; or, the Dog-Fiend.
+ PERCIVAL KEENE. Price 50 cts.
+ POOR JACK. Price 50 cents.
+ SEA KING. 200 pages. Price 50 cents.
+ VALERIE. His last Novel. Price 50 cents.
+
+
+ELLEN PICKERING'S NOVELS.
+
+Either of which can be had separately. Price 25 cents each. They are
+printed on the finest white paper, and each forms one large octavo
+volume, complete in itself, neatly bound in a strong paper cover.
+
+ THE ORPHAN NIECE.
+ KATE WALSINGHAM.
+ THE POOR COUSIN.
+ ELLEN WAREHAM.
+ THE QUIET HUSBAND.
+ WHO SHALL BE HEIR?
+ THE SECRET FOE.
+ AGNES SERLE.
+ THE HEIRESS.
+ PRINCE AND PEDLER.
+ MERCHANT'S DAUGHTER.
+ THE FRIGHT.
+ NAN DARRELL.
+ THE SQUIRE.
+ THE EXPECTANT.
+ THE GRUMBLER. 50 cts.
+
+
+MRS. CAROLINE LEE HENTZ'S WORKS.
+
+COURTSHIP AND MARRIAGE; OR, THE JOYS AND SORROWS OF AMERICAN LIFE. With
+a Portrait of the Author. Complete in two large volumes, paper cover,
+price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, for One Dollar and
+Twenty-five cents.
+
+THE PLANTER'S NORTHERN BRIDE. With illustrations. Complete in two large
+volumes, paper cover, 600 pages, price One Dollar, or bound in one
+volume, cloth gilt, One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+LINDA; OR, THE YOUNG PILOT OF THE BELLE CREOLE. Complete in two volumes,
+paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, for
+One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+ROBERT GRAHAM. The Sequel to, and continuation of Linda. Being the last
+book but one that Mrs. Hentz wrote prior to her death. Complete in two
+large volumes, paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume,
+for cloth gilt, One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+RENA; OR, THE SNOW BIRD. A Tale of Real Life. Complete in two volumes,
+paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, for
+One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+MARCUS WARLAND; OR, THE LONG MOSS SPRING. A Tale of the South. Complete
+in two volumes, paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume,
+cloth gilt, One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+LOVE AFTER MARRIAGE; and other Stories. Complete in two volumes, paper
+cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, for One
+Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+EOLINE; OR, MAGNOLIA VALE. Complete in two volumes, paper cover, price
+One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, $1 25.
+
+THE BANISHED SON; and other Stories. Complete in two volumes, paper
+cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, $1 25.
+
+HELEN AND ARTHUR. Complete in two volumes, paper cover, price One
+Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, $1 25.
+
+AUNT PATTY'S SCRAP BAG, together with large additions to it, written by
+Mrs. Hentz, prior to her death, and never before published in any other
+edition of this or any other work than this. Complete in two volumes,
+paper cover, price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth gilt, for
+One Dollar and Twenty-five cents.
+
+
+T. S. ARTHUR'S WORKS.
+
+Either of which can be had separately. Price 25 cents each. They are the
+most moral, popular and entertaining in the world. There are no better
+books to place in the hands of the young. All will profit by them.
+
+ YEAR AFTER MARRIAGE.
+ THE DIVORCED WIFE.
+ THE BANKER'S WIFE.
+ PRIDE AND PRUDENCE.
+ CECILIA HOWARD.
+ MARY MORETON.
+ LOVE IN A COTTAGE.
+ LOVE IN HIGH LIFE.
+ THE TWO MERCHANTS.
+ LADY AT HOME.
+ TRIAL AND TRIUMPH.
+ THE ORPHAN CHILDREN.
+ THE DEBTOR'S DAUGHTER.
+ INSUBORDINATION.
+ LUCY SANDFORD.
+ AGNES, or the Possessed.
+ THE TWO BRIDES.
+ THE IRON RULE.
+ THE OLD ASTROLOGER.
+ THE SEAMSTRESS.
+
+
+CHARLES LEVER'S NOVELS.
+
+CHARLES O'MALLEY, the Irish Dragoon. By Charles Lever. Complete in one
+large octavo volume of 324 pages. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on
+finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.
+
+THE KNIGHT OF GWYNNE. A tale of the time of the Union. By Charles Lever.
+Complete in one fine octavo volume. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on
+finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.
+
+JACK HINTON, the Guardsman. By Charles Lever. Complete in one large
+octavo volume of 400 pages. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on finer
+paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.
+
+TOM BURKE OF OURS. By Charles Lever. Complete in one large octavo volume
+of 300 pages. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on finer paper, bound in
+cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.
+
+ARTHUR O LEARY. By Charles Lever. Complete in one large octavo volume.
+Price Fifty cents; or an edition on finer paper, bound in cloth,
+illustrated. Price One Dollar.
+
+KATE O'DONOGHUE. A Tale of Ireland. By Charles Lever. Complete in one
+large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on finer paper,
+bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.
+
+HORACE TEMPLETON. By Charles Lever. This is Lever's New Book. Complete
+in one large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents; or an edition on finer
+paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.
+
+HARRY LORREQUER. By Charles Lever, author of the above seven works.
+Complete in one octavo volume of 402 pages. Price Fifty cents; or an
+edition on finer paper, bound in cloth, illustrated. Price One Dollar.
+
+VALENTINE VOX.--LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF VALENTINE VOX, the Ventriloquist.
+By Henry Cockton. One of the most humorous books ever published. Price
+Fifty cents; or an edition on finer paper, bound in cloth. Price One
+Dollar.
+
+PERCY EFFINGHAM. By Henry Cockton, author of "Valentine Vox, the
+Ventriloquist." One large octavo volume. Price 50 cents.
+
+TEN THOUSAND A YEAR. By Samuel C. Warren. With Portraits of Snap, Quirk,
+Gammon, and Tittlebat Titmouse, Esq. Two large octavo vols., of 547
+pages. Price One Dollar; or an edition on finer paper, bound in cloth,
+$1,50.
+
+
+CHARLES J. PETERSON'S WORKS.
+
+KATE AYLESFORD. A story of the Refugees. One of the most popular books
+ever printed. Complete in two large volumes, paper cover. Price One
+Dollar; or bound in one volume, cloth, gilt. Price $1 25.
+
+CRUISING IN THE LAST WAR. A Naval Story of the War of 1812. First and
+Second Series. Being the complete work, unabridged. By Charles J.
+Peterson. 228 octavo pages. Price 50 cents.
+
+GRACE DUDLEY; OR, ARNOLD AT SARATOGA. By Charles J. Peterson.
+Illustrated. Price 25 cents.
+
+THE VALLEY FARM; OR, the AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF AN ORPHAN. A companion to Jane
+Eyre. Price 25 cents.
+
+
+EUGENE SUE'S NOVELS.
+
+THE MYSTERIES OF PARIS; AND GEROLSTEIN, the Sequel to it. By Eugene Sue,
+author of the "Wandering Jew," and the greatest work ever written. With
+illustrations. Complete in two large volumes, octavo. Price One Dollar.
+
+THE ILLUSTRATED WANDERING JEW. By Eugene Sue. With 87 large
+illustrations. Two large octavo volumes. Price One Dollar.
+
+THE FEMALE BLUEBEARD; or, the Woman with many Husbands. By Eugene Sue.
+Price Twenty-five cents.
+
+FIRST LOVE. A Story of the Heart. By Eugene Sue. Price Twenty-five
+cents.
+
+WOMAN'S LOVE. A Novel. By Eugene Sue. Illustrated. Price Twenty-five
+cents.
+
+MAN-OF-WAR'S-MAN. A Tale of the Sea. By Eugene Sue. Price Twenty-five
+cents.
+
+RAOUL DE SURVILLE; or, the Times of Napoleon Bonaparte in 1810. Price
+Twenty-five cents.
+
+
+SIR E. L. BULWER'S NOVELS.
+
+FALKLAND. A Novel. By Sir E. L. Bulwer, author of "The Roue,"
+"Oxonians," etc. One volume, octavo. Price 25 cents.
+
+THE ROUE; OR THE HAZARDS OF WOMEN. Price 25 cents.
+
+THE OXONIANS. A Sequel to the Roue. Price 25 cents.
+
+CALDERON THE COURTIER. By Bulwer. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+
+MRS. GREY'S NOVELS.
+
+Either of which can be had separately. Price 25 cents each. They are
+printed on the finest white paper, and each forms one large octavo
+volume, complete in itself, neatly bound in a strong paper cover.
+
+ DUKE AND THE COUSIN.
+ GIPSY'S DAUGHTER.
+ BELLE OF THE FAMILY.
+ SYBIL LENNARD.
+ THE LITTLE WIFE.
+ MAN[OE]UVRING MOTHER.
+ LENA CAMERON: or, the Four Sisters.
+ THE BARONET'S DAUGHTERS.
+ THE YOUNG PRIMA DONNA.
+ THE OLD DOWER HOUSE.
+ HYACINTHE.
+ ALICE SEYMOUR.
+ HARRY MONK.
+ MARY SEAHAM. 250 pages. Price 50 cents.
+ PASSION AND PRINCIPLE. 200 pages. Price 50 cents.
+
+
+GEORGE W. M. REYNOLD'S WORKS.
+
+THE NECROMANCER. A Romance of the times of Henry the Eighth, By G. W. M.
+Reynolds. One large volume. Price 75 cents.
+
+THE PARRICIDE; OR, THE YOUTH'S CAREER IN CRIME. By G. W. M. Reynolds.
+Full of beautiful illustrations. Price 50 cents.
+
+LIFE IN PARIS: OR, THE ADVENTURES OF ALFRED DE ROSANN IN THE METROPOLIS
+OF FRANCE. By G. W. M. Reynolds. Full of Engravings. Price 50 cents.
+
+
+AINSWORTH'S WORKS.
+
+JACK SHEPPARD.--PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF JACK SHEPPARD, the most
+noted burglar, robber, and jail breaker, that ever lived. Embellished
+with Thirty-nine, full page, spirited Illustrations, designed and
+engraved in the finest style of art, by George Cruikshank, Esq., of
+London. Price Fifty cents.
+
+ILLUSTRATED TOWER OF LONDON. With 100 splendid engravings. This is
+beyond all doubt one of the most interesting works ever published in the
+known world, and can be read and re-read with pleasure and satisfaction
+by everybody. We advise all persons to get it and read it. Two volumes,
+octavo. Price One Dollar.
+
+PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF GUY FAWKES, The Chief of the Gunpowder
+Treason. The Bloody Tower, etc. Illustrated. By William Harrison
+Ainsworth. 200 pages. Price Fifty cents.
+
+THE STAR CHAMBER. An Historical Romance. By W. Harrison Ainsworth. With
+17 large full page illustrations. Price 50 cents.
+
+THE PICTORIAL OLD ST. PAUL'S. By William Harrison Ainsworth. Full of
+Illustrations. Price Fifty cents.
+
+MYSTERIES OF THE COURT OF QUEEN ANNE. By William Harrison Ainsworth.
+Price Fifty cents.
+
+MYSTERIES OF THE COURT OF THE STUARTS. By Ainsworth. Being one of the
+most interesting Historical Romances ever written. One large volume.
+Price Fifty cents.
+
+DICK TURPIN.--ILLUSTRATED LIFE OF DICK TURPIN, the Highwayman, Burglar,
+Murderer, etc. Price Twenty-five cents.
+
+HENRY THOMAS.--LIFE OF HARRY THOMAS, the Western Burglar and Murderer.
+Full of Engravings. Price Twenty-five cents.
+
+DESPERADOES.--ILLUSTRATED LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF THE DESPERADOES OF THE
+NEW WORLD. Full of engravings. Price Twenty-five cents.
+
+NINON DE L'ENCLOS.--LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF NINON DE L'ENCLOS, with her
+Letters on Love, Courtship and Marriage. Illustrated. Price Twenty-five
+cents.
+
+THE PICTORIAL NEWGATE CALENDAR; or the Chronicles of Crime. Beautifully
+illustrated with Fifteen Engravings. Price Fifty cents.
+
+PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF DAVY CROCKETT. Written by himself.
+Beautifully illustrated. Price Fifty cents.
+
+LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF ARTHUR SPRING, the murderer of Mrs. Ellen Lynch
+and Mrs. Honora Shaw, with a complete history of his life and misdeeds,
+from the time of his birth until he was hung. Illustrated with
+portraits. Price Twenty-five cents.
+
+JACK ADAMS.--PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF JACK ADAMS; the celebrated
+Sailor and Mutineer. By Captain Chamier, author of "The Spitfire." Full
+of illustrations. Price Fifty cents.
+
+GRACE O'MALLEY.--PICTORIAL LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF GRACE O'MALLEY. By
+William H. Maxwell, author of "Wild Sports in the West." Price Fifty
+cents.
+
+THE PIRATE'S SON. A Sea Novel of great interest. Full of beautiful
+illustrations. Price Twenty-five cents.
+
+
+ALEXANDER DUMAS' WORKS.
+
+THE IRON MASK, OR THE FEATS AND ADVENTURES OF RAOULE DE BRAGELONNE.
+Being the conclusion of "The Three Guardsmen," "Twenty Years After," and
+"Bragelonne." By Alexandre Dumas. Complete in two large volumes, of 420
+octavo pages, with beautifully Illustrated Covers, Portraits, and
+Engravings. Price One Dollar.
+
+LOUISE LA VALLIERE; OR THE SECOND SERIES AND FINAL END OF THE IRON MASK.
+By Alexandre Dumas. This work is the final end of "The Three Guardsmen,"
+"Twenty Years After," "Bragelonne," and "The Iron Mask," and is of far
+more interesting and absorbing interest, than any of its predecessors.
+Complete in two large octavo volumes of over 400 pages, printed on the
+best of paper, beautifully illustrated. It also contains correct
+Portraits of "Louise La Valliere," and "The Hero of the Iron Mask."
+Price One Dollar.
+
+THE MEMOIRS OF A PHYSICIAN; OR THE SECRET HISTORY OF LOUIS THE
+FIFTEENTH. By Alexandre Dumas. It is beautifully embellished with thirty
+engravings, which illustrate the principal scenes and characters of the
+different heroines throughout the work. Complete in two large octavo
+volumes. Price One Dollar.
+
+THE QUEEN'S NECKLACE: OR THE SECRET HISTORY OF THE COURT OF LOUIS THE
+SIXTEENTH. A Sequel to the Memoirs of a Physician. By Alexandre Dumas.
+It is beautifully illustrated with portraits of the heroines of the
+work. Complete in two large octavo volumes of over 400 pages. Price One
+Dollar.
+
+SIX YEARS LATER; OR THE TAKING OF THE BASTILE. By Alexandre Dumas. Being
+the continuation of "The Queen's Necklace; or the Secret History of the
+Court of Louis the Sixteenth," and "Memoirs of a Physician." Complete in
+one large octavo volume. Price Seventy-five cents.
+
+COUNTESS DE CHARNY; OR THE FALL OF THE FRENCH MONARCHY. By Alexandre
+Dumas. This work is the final conclusion of the "Memoirs of a
+Physician," "The Queen's Necklace," and "Six Years Later, or Taking of
+the Bastile." All persons who have not read Dumas in this, his greatest
+and most instructive production, should begin at once, and no pleasure
+will be found so agreeable, and nothing in novel form so useful and
+absorbing. Complete in two volumes, beautifully illustrated. Price One
+Dollar.
+
+DIANA OF MERIDOR; THE LADY OF MONSOREAU; or France in the Sixteenth
+Century. By Alexandre Dumas. An Historical Romance. Complete in two
+large octavo volumes of 538 pages, with numerous illustrative
+engravings. Price One Dollar.
+
+ISABEL OF BAVARIA; or the Chronicles of France for the reign of Charles
+the Sixth. Complete in one fine octavo volume of 211 pages, printed on
+the finest white paper. Price Fifty cents.
+
+EDMOND DANTES. Being the sequel to Dumas' celebrated novel of the Count
+of Monte Cristo. With elegant illustrations. Complete in one large
+octavo volume of over 200 pages. Price Fifty cents.
+
+THE CORSICAN BROTHERS. This work has already been dramatized, and is now
+played in all the theatres of Europe and in this country, and it is
+exciting an extraordinary interest. Price Twenty-five cents.
+
+SKETCHES IN FRANCE. By Alexandre Dumas. It is as good a book as
+Thackeray's Sketches in Ireland. Dumas never wrote a better book. It is
+the most delightful book of the season. Price Fifty cents.
+
+GENEVIEVE, OR THE CHEVALIER OF THE MAISON ROUGE. By Alexandre Dumas. An
+Historical Romance of the French Revolution. Complete in one large
+octavo volume of over 200 pages, with numerous illustrative engravings.
+Price Fifty cents.
+
+
+GEORGE LIPPARD'S WORKS.
+
+WASHINGTON AND HIS GENERALS; or, Legends of the American Revolution.
+Complete in two large octavo volumes of 538 pages, printed on the finest
+white paper. Price One Dollar.
+
+THE QUAKER CITY; or, the Monks of Monk Hall. A Romance of Philadelphia
+Life, Mystery and Crime. Illustrated with numerous Engravings. Complete
+in two large octavo volumes of 500 pages. Price One Dollar.
+
+THE LADYE OF ALBARONE; or, the Poison Goblet. A Romance of the Dark
+Ages. Lippard's Last Work, and never before published. Complete in one
+large octavo volume. Price Seventy-five cents.
+
+PAUL ARDENHEIM; the Monk of Wissahickon. A Romance of the Revolution.
+Illustrated with numerous engravings. Complete in, two large octavo
+volumes, of nearly 600 pages. Price One Dollar.
+
+BLANCHE OF BRANDYWINE; or, September the Eleventh, 1777. A Romance of
+the Poetry, Legends, and History of the Battle of Brandywine. It makes a
+large octavo volume of 350 pages, printed on the finest white paper.
+Price Seventy-five cents.
+
+LEGENDS OF MEXICO; or, Battles of General Zachary Taylor, late President
+of the United States. Complete in one octavo volume of 128 pages. Price
+Twenty-five cents.
+
+THE NAZARENE; or, the Last of the Washingtons. A Revelation of
+Philadelphia, New York, and Washington, in the year 1844. Complete in
+one volume. Price Fifty cents.
+
+
+B. D'ISRAELI'S NOVELS.
+
+VIVIAN GREY. By B. D'Israeli, M. P. Complete in one large octavo volume
+of 225 pages. Price Fifty cents.
+
+THE YOUNG DUKE; or the younger days of George the Fourth. By B.
+D'Israeli, M. P. One octavo volume. Price Thirty-eight cents.
+
+VENETIA; or, Lord Byron and his Daughter. By B. D'Israeli, M. P.
+Complete in one large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents.
+
+HENRIETTA TEMPLE. A Love Story. By B. D'Israeli, M. P. Complete in one
+large octavo volume. Price Fifty cents.
+
+CONTARINA FLEMING. An Autobiography. By B. D'Israeli, M. P. One volume,
+octavo. Price Thirty-eight cents.
+
+MIRIAM ALROY. A Romance of the Twelfth Century. By B. D'Israeli, M. P.
+One volume octavo. Price Thirty-eight cents.
+
+
+EMERSON BENNETT'S WORKS.
+
+CLARA MORELAND. This is a powerfully written romance. The characters are
+boldly drawn, the plot striking, the incidents replete with thrilling
+interest, and the language and descriptions natural and graphic, as are
+all of Mr. Bennett's Works. 330 pages. Price 50 cents in paper cover, or
+One Dollar in cloth, gilt.
+
+VIOLA; OR, ADVENTURES IN THE FAR SOUTH-WEST. Complete in one large
+volume. Price 50 cents in paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt.
+
+THE FORGED WILL. Complete in one large volume, of over 300 pages, paper
+cover, price 50 cents; or bound in cloth, gilt, price $1 00.
+
+KATE CLARENDON; OR, NECROMANCY IN THE WILDERNESS. Price 50 cents in
+paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt.
+
+BRIDE OF THE WILDERNESS. Complete in one large volume. Price 50 cents in
+paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt.
+
+THE PIONEER'S DAUGHTER; and THE UNKNOWN COUNTESS. By Emerson Bennett.
+Price 50 cents.
+
+HEIRESS OF BELLEFONTE: and WALDE-WARREN. A Tale of Circumstantial
+Evidence. By Emerson Bennett. Price 50 cents.
+
+ELLEN NORBURY; OR, THE ADVENTURES OF AN ORPHAN. Complete in one large
+volume, price 50 cents in paper cover, or in cloth gilt, $1 00.
+
+
+MISS LESLIE'S NEW COOK BOOK.
+
+MISS LESLIE'S NEW RECEIPTS FOR COOKING. Comprising new and approved
+methods of preparing all kinds of soups, fish, oysters, terrapins,
+turtle, vegetables, meats, poultry, game, sauces, pickles, sweet meats,
+cakes, pies, puddings, confectionery, rice, Indian meal preparations of
+all kinds, domestic liquors, perfumery, remedies, laundry-work,
+needle-work, letters, additional receipts, etc. Also, list of articles
+suited to go together for breakfasts, dinners, and suppers, and much
+useful information and many miscellaneous subjects connected with
+general house-wifery. It is an elegantly printed duodecimo volume of 520
+pages; and in it there will be found _One Thousand and Eleven new
+Receipts_--all useful--some ornamental--and all invaluable to every
+lady, miss, or family in the world. This work has had a very extensive
+sale, and many thousand copies have been sold, and the demand is
+increasing yearly, being the most complete work of the kind published in
+the world, and also the latest and best, as, in addition to Cookery, its
+receipts for making cakes and confectionery are unequalled by any other
+work extant. New edition, enlarged and improved, and handsomely bound.
+Price One Dollar a copy only. This is the only new Cook Book by Miss
+Leslie.
+
+
+GEORGE SANDS' WORKS.
+
+FIRST AND TRUE LOVE. A True Love Story. By George Sand, author of
+"Consuelo," "Indiana," etc. It is one of the most charming and
+interesting works ever published. Illustrated. Price 50 cents.
+
+INDIANA. By George Sand, author of "First and True Love," etc. A very
+bewitching and interesting work. Price 50 cents.
+
+THE CORSAIR. A Venetian Tale. Price 25 cents.
+
+
+HUMOROUS AMERICAN WORKS.
+
+WITH ORIGINAL ILLUSTRATIONS BY DARLEY AND OTHERS, AND BEAUTIFULLY
+ILLUMINATED COVERS.
+
+We have just published new and beautiful editions of the following
+HUMOROUS AMERICAN WORKS. They are published in the best possible style,
+full of original Illustrations, by Darley, descriptive of all the best
+scenes in each work, with Illuminated Covers, with new and beautiful
+designs on each, and are printed on the finest and best of white paper.
+There are no works to compare with them in point of wit and humor, in
+the whole world. The price of each work is Fifty cents only.
+
+THE FOLLOWING ARE THE NAMES OF THE WORKS.
+
+MAJOR JONES' COURTSHIP: detailed, with other Scenes, Incidents, and
+Adventures, in a Series of Letters, by himself. With Thirteen
+Illustrations from designs by Darley. Price Fifty cents.
+
+DRAMA IN POKERVILLE: the Bench and Bar of Jurytown, and other Stories.
+By "Everpoint," (J. M. Field, of the St. Louis Reveille.) With
+Illustrations from designs by Darley. Fifty cents.
+
+CHARCOAL SKETCHES, or, Scenes in the Metropolis. By Joseph C. Neal,
+author of "Peter Ploddy," "Misfortunes of Peter Faber," etc. With
+Illustrations. Price Fifty cents.
+
+YANKEE AMONGST THE MERMAIDS, and other Waggeries and Vagaries. By W. E.
+Burton, Comedian. With Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents.
+
+MISFORTUNES OF PETER FABER, and other Sketches. By the author of
+"Charcoal Sketches." With Illustrations by Darley and others. Price
+Fifty cents.
+
+MAJOR JONES' SKETCHES OF TRAVEL, comprising the Scenes, Incidents, and
+Adventures in his Tour from Georgia to Canada. With Eight Illustrations
+from Designs by Darley. Price Fifty cents.
+
+STREAKS OF SQUATTER LIFE, and Far West Scenes. A Series of humorous
+Sketches, descriptive of Incidents and Character in the Wild West. By
+the author of "Major Jones' Courtship," "Swallowing Oysters Alive," etc.
+With Illustrations from designs by Darley, Price Fifty cents.
+
+QUARTER RACE IN KENTUCKY, AND OTHER STORIES. By W. T. Porter, Esq., of
+the New York Spirit of the Times. With Eight Illustrations and designs
+by Darley. Complete in one volume. Price Fifty cents.
+
+SIMON SUGGS.--ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN SIMON SUGGS, late of the Tallapoosa
+Volunteers, together with "Taking the Census," and other Alabama
+Sketches. By a Country Editor. With a Portrait from Life, and Nine other
+Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents.
+
+RIVAL BELLES. By J. B. Jones, author of "Wild Western Scenes," etc. This
+is a very humorous and entertaining work, and one that will be
+recommended by all after reading it. Price Fifty cents.
+
+YANKEE YARNS AND YANKEE LETTERS. By Sam Slick, alias Judge Haliburton.
+Full of the drollest humor that has ever emanated from the pen of any
+author. Every page will set you in a roar. Price Fifty cents.
+
+LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF COL. VANDERBOMB, AND THE EXPLOITS OF HIS PRIVATE
+SECRETARY. By J. B. Jones, author of "The Rival Belles," "Wild Western
+Scenes," etc. Price Fifty cents.
+
+BIG BEAR OF ARKANSAS, and other Sketches, illustrative of Characters and
+Incidents in the South and South-West. Edited by Wm. T. Porter. With
+Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents.
+
+MAJOR JONES' CHRONICLES OF PINEVILLE; embracing Sketches of Georgia
+Scenes, Incidents, and Characters. By the author of "Major Jones'
+Courtship," etc. With Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents.
+
+LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF PERCIVAL MABERRY. By J. H. Ingraham. It will
+interest and please everybody. All who enjoy a good laugh should get it
+at once. Price Fifty cents.
+
+FRANK FORESTER'S QUORNDON HOUNDS; or, A Virginian at Melton Mowbray. By
+H. W. Herbert, Esq. With Illustrations. Price Fifty cents.
+
+PICKINGS FROM THE PORTFOLIO OF THE REPORTER OF THE "NEW ORLEANS
+PICAYUNE." Comprising Sketches of the Eastern Yankee, the Western
+Hoosier, and such others as make up society in the great Metropolis of
+the South. With Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents.
+
+FRANK FORESTER'S SHOOTING BOX. By the author of "The Quorndon Hounds,"
+"The Deer Stalkers," etc. With Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty
+cents.
+
+STRAY SUBJECTS ARRESTED AND BOUND OVER; being the Fugitive Offspring of
+the "Old Un" and the "Young Un," that have been "Laying Around Loose,"
+and are now "tied up" for fast keeping. With Illustrations by Darley.
+Price Fifty cents.
+
+FRANK FORESTER'S DEER STALKERS; a Tale of Circumstantial evidence. By
+the author of "My Shooting Box," "The Quorndon Hounds," etc. With
+Illustrations. Price Fifty cents.
+
+ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN FARRAGO. By Hon. H. H. Brackenridge. For Sixteen
+years one of the Judges of the Supreme Court of the State of
+Pennsylvania. With Illustrations from designs by Darley. Price Fifty
+cents.
+
+THE CHARMS OF PARIS; or, Sketches of Travel and Adventures by Night and
+Day, of a Gentleman of Fortune and Leisure. From his private journal.
+Price Fifty cents.
+
+PETER PLODDY, and other oddities. By the author of "Charcoal Sketches,"
+"Peter Faber," &c. With Illustrations from original designs, by Darley.
+Price Fifty cents.
+
+WIDOW RUGBY'S HUSBAND, a Night at the Ugly Man's, and other Tales of
+Alabama. By author of "Simon Suggs." With original Illustrations. Price
+Fifty cents.
+
+MAJOR O'REGAN'S ADVENTURES. By Hon. H. H. Brackenridge. With
+Illustrations by Darley. Price Fifty cents.
+
+SOL. SMITH; THEATRICAL APPRENTICESHIP AND ANECDOTAL RECOLLECTIONS OF
+SOL. SMITH, Esq., Comedian, Lawyer, etc. Illustrated by Darley.
+Containing Early Scenes, Wanderings in the West, Cincinnati in Early
+Life, etc. Price Fifty cents.
+
+SOL. SMITH'S NEW BOOK; THE THEATRICAL JOURNEY-WORK AND ANECDOTAL
+RECOLLECTIONS OF SOL. SMITH, Esq., with a portrait of Sol. Smith. It
+comprises a Sketch of the second Seven years of his professional life,
+together with some Sketches of Adventure in after years. Price Fifty
+cents.
+
+POLLY PEABLOSSOM'S WEDDING, and other Tales. By the author of "Major
+Jones' Courtship," "Streaks of Squatter Life," etc. Price Fifty cents.
+
+FRANK FORESTER'S WARWICK WOODLANDS; or, Things as they were Twenty Years
+Ago. By the author of "The Quorndon Hounds," "My Shooting Box," "The
+Deer Stalkers," etc. With Illustrations, illuminated. Price Fifty cents.
+
+LOUISIANA SWAMP DOCTOR. By Madison Tensas, M. D., Ex. V. P. M. S. U. Ky.
+Author of "Cupping on the Sternum." With Illustrations by Darley. Price
+Fifty cents.
+
+NEW ORLEANS SKETCH BOOK, by "Stahl," author of the "Portfolio of a
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+Price Fifty cents.
+
+
+FRENCH, GERMAN, SPANISH, LATIN, AND ITALIAN LANGUAGES.
+
+Any person unacquainted with either of the above languages, can, with
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+language of either, without the aid of a teacher or any oral instruction
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+will and pleasure. Either of these works is invaluable to any persons
+wishing to learn these languages, and are worth to any one One Hundred
+times their cost. These works have already run through several large
+editions in this country, for no person ever buys one without
+recommending it to his friends.
+
+ FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER. In Six Easy Lessons.
+ GERMAN WITHOUT A MASTER. In Six Easy Lessons.
+ SPANISH WITHOUT A MASTER. In Four Easy Lessons.
+ ITALIAN WITHOUT A MASTER. In Five Easy Lessons.
+ LATIN WITHOUT A MASTER. In Six Easy Lessons.
+
+Price of either of the above Works, separate, 25 cents each--or the
+whole five may be had for One Dollar, and will be sent _free of postage_
+to any one on their remitting that amount to the publisher, in a
+letter.
+
+
+WORKS BY THE BEST AUTHORS.
+
+FLIRTATIONS IN AMERICA; OR HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK. A capital book. 285
+pages. Price 50 cents.
+
+DON QUIXOTTE.--ILLUSTRATED LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF DON QUIXOTTE DE LA
+MANCHA, and his Squire Sancho Panza, with all the original notes. 300
+pages. Price 75 cents.
+
+WILD SPORTS IN THE WEST. By W. H. Maxwell, author of "Pictorial Life and
+Adventures of Grace O'Malley." Price 50 cents.
+
+THE ROMISH CONFESSIONAL; or, the Auricular Confession and Spiritual
+direction of the Romish Church. Its History, Consequences, and policy of
+the Jesuits. By M. Michelet. Price 50 cents.
+
+GENEVRA; or, the History of a Portrait. By Miss Fairfield, one of the
+best writers in America. 200 pages. Price 50 cents.
+
+WILD OATS SOWN ABROAD; OR, ON AND OFF SOUNDINGS. It is the Private
+Journal of a Gentleman of Leisure and Education, and of a highly
+cultivated mind, in making the tour of Europe. It shows up all the High
+and Low Life to be found in all the fashionable resorts in Paris. Price
+50 cents in paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt.
+
+SALATHIEL; OR, THE WANDERING JEW. By Rev. George Croly. One of the best
+and most world-wide celebrated books that has ever been printed. Price
+50 cents.
+
+LLORENTE'S HISTORY OF THE INQUISITION IN SPAIN. Only edition published
+in this country. Price 50 cents; or handsomely bound in muslin, gilt,
+price 75 cents.
+
+DR. HOLLICK'S NEW BOOK. ANATOMY AND PHYSIOLOGY, with a large dissected
+plate of the Human Figure, colored to Life. By the celebrated Dr.
+Hollick, author of "The Family Physician," "Origin of Life," etc. Price
+One Dollar.
+
+DR. HOLLICK'S FAMILY PHYSICIAN; OR, THE TRUE ART OF HEALING THE SICK. A
+book that should be in the house of every family. It is a perfect
+treasure. Price 25 cents.
+
+MYSTERIES OF THREE CITIES. Boston, New York, and Philadelphia. Revealing
+the secrets of society in these various cities. All should read it. By
+A. J. H. Duganne. 200 pages. Price 50 cents.
+
+RED INDIANS OF NEWFOUNDLAND. A beautifully illustrated Indian Story, by
+the author of the "Prairie Bird." Price 50 cents.
+
+HARRIS'S ADVENTURES IN AFRICA. This book is a rich treat. Two volumes.
+Price One Dollar, or handsomely bound, $1 50.
+
+THE PETREL; OR, LOVE ON THE OCEAN. A sea novel equal to the best. By
+Admiral Fisher. 200 pages. Price 50 cents.
+
+ARISTOCRACY, OR LIFE AMONG THE "UPPER TEN." A true novel of fashionable
+life. By J. A. Nunes, Esq. Price 50 cents.
+
+THE CABIN AND PARLOR. By J. Thornton Randolph. It is beautifully
+illustrated. Price 50 cents in paper cover; or a finer edition, printed
+on thicker and better paper, and handsomely bound in muslin, gilt, is
+published for One Dollar.
+
+LIFE IN THE SOUTH. A companion to "Uncle Tom's Cabin." By C. H. Wiley.
+Beautifully illustrated from original designs by Darley. Price 50
+cents.
+
+SKETCHES IN IRELAND. By William M. Thackeray, author of "Vanity Fair,"
+"History of Pendennis," etc. Price 50 cents.
+
+THE ROMAN TRAITOR; OR, THE DAYS OF CATALINE AND CICERO. By Henry William
+Herbert. This is one of the most powerful Roman stories in the English
+language, and is of itself sufficient to stamp the writer as a powerful
+man. Complete in two large volumes, of over 250 pages each, paper cover,
+price One Dollar, or bound in one volume, cloth, for $1 25.
+
+THE LADY'S WORK-TABLE BOOK. Full of plates, designs, diagrams, and
+illustrations to learn all kinds of needlework. A work every Lady should
+possess. Price 50 cents in paper cover; or bound in crimson cloth, gilt,
+for 75 cents.
+
+THE COQUETTE. One of the best books ever written. One volume, octavo,
+over 200 pages. Price 50 cents.
+
+WHITEFRIARS; OR, THE DAYS OF CHARLES THE SECOND. An Historical Romance.
+Splendidly illustrated with original designs, by Chapin. It is the best
+historical romance published for years. Price 50 cents.
+
+WHITEHALL; OR, THE TIMES OF OLIVER CROMWELL. By the author of
+"Whitefriars." It is a work which, for just popularity and intensity of
+interest, has not been equalled since the publication of "Waverly."
+Beautifully illustrated. Price 50 cents.
+
+THE SPITFIRE. A Nautical Romance. By Captain Chamier, author of "Life
+and Adventures of Jack Adams." Illustrated. Price 50 cents.
+
+UNCLE TOM'S CABIN AS IT IS. One large volume, illustrated, bound in
+cloth. Price $1 25.
+
+FATHER CLEMENT. By Grace Kennady, author of "Dunallen," "Abbey of
+Innismoyle," etc. A beautiful book. Price 50 cents.
+
+THE ABBEY OF INNISMOYLE. By Grace Kennady, author of "Father Clement."
+Equal to any of her former works. Price 25 cents.
+
+THE FORTUNE HUNTER; a novel of New York society, Upper and Lower Tendom.
+By Mrs. Anna Cora Mowatt. Price 38 cents.
+
+POCKET LIBRARY OF USEFUL KNOWLEDGE. New and enlarged edition, with
+numerous engravings. Twenty thousand copies sold. We have never seen a
+volume embracing any thing like the same quantity of useful matter. The
+work is really a treasure. It should speedily find its way into every
+family. It also contains a large and entirely new Map of the United
+States, with full page portraits of the Presidents of the United States,
+from Washington until the present time, executed in the finest style of
+the art. Price 50 cents a copy only.
+
+HENRY CLAY'S PORTRAIT. Nagle's correct, full length Mezzotinto Portrait,
+and only true likeness ever published of the distinguished Statesman.
+Engraved by Sartain. Size, 22 by 30 inches. Price $1 00 a copy only.
+Originally sold at $5 00 a copy.
+
+THE MISER'S HEIR; OR, THE YOUNG MILLIONAIRE. A story of a Guardian and
+his Ward. A prize novel. By P. H. Myers, author of the "Emigrant
+Squire." Price 50 cents in paper cover, or 75 cents in cloth, gilt.
+
+THE TWO LOVERS. A Domestic Story. It is a highly interesting and
+companionable book, conspicuous for its purity of sentiment--its graphic
+and vigorous style--its truthful delineations of character--and deep and
+powerful interest of its plot. Price 38 cents.
+
+ARRAH NEIL. A novel by G. P. R. James. Price 50 cents.
+
+SIEGE OF LONDONDERRY. A History of the Siege of Londonderry, and Defence
+of Enniskillen, in 1688 and 1689, by the Rev. John Graham. Price 37
+cents.
+
+VICTIMS OF AMUSEMENTS. By Martha Clark, and dedicated by the author to
+the Sabbath Schools of the land. One vol., cloth, 38 cents.
+
+FREAKS OF FORTUNE; or, The Life and Adventures of Ned Lorn. By the
+author of "Wild Western Scenes." One volume, cloth. Price One Dollar.
+
+
+WORKS AT TWENTY-FIVE CENTS EACH.
+
+GENTLEMAN'S SCIENCE OF ETIQUETTE, AND GUIDE TO SOCIETY. By Count Alfred
+D'Orsay. With a portrait of Count D'Orsay. Price 25 cents.
+
+LADIES' SCIENCE OF ETIQUETTE. By Countess de Calabrella, with her
+full-length portrait. Price 25 cents.
+
+ELLA STRATFORD; OR, THE ORPHAN CHILD. By the Countess of Blessington. A
+charming and entertaining work. Price 25 cents.
+
+GHOST STORIES. Full of illustrations. Being a Wonderful Book. Price 25
+cents.
+
+ADMIRAL'S DAUGHTER. By Mrs. Marsh, author of "Ravenscliffe." One volume,
+octavo. Price 25 cents.
+
+THE MONK. A Romance. By Matthew G. Lewis, Esq., M. P. All should read
+it. Price 25 cents.
+
+DIARY OF A PHYSICIAN. Second Series. By S. C. Warren, author of "Ten
+Thousand a Year." Illustrated. Price 25 cents.
+
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+
+MADISON'S EXPOSITION OF THE AWFUL CEREMONIES OF ODD FELLOWSHIP, with 20
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+Full of plates. Price 25 cents.
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+cents.
+
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+
+JOSEPHINE. A Story of the Heart, By Grace Aguilar, author of "Home
+Influence," "Mother's Recompense," etc. Price 25 cents.
+
+EVA ST. CLAIR; AND OTHER TALES. By G. P. R. James, Esq., author of
+"Richelieu." Price 25 cents.
+
+AGNES GREY: AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY. By the author of "Jane Eyre," "Shirley,"
+etc. Price 25 cents.
+
+BELL BRANDON, AND THE WITHERED FIG TREE. By P. Hamilton Myers. A Three
+Hundred Dollar prize novel. Price 25 cents.
+
+KNOWLSON'S COMPLETE CATTLE, OR COW DOCTOR. Whoever owns a cow should
+have this book. Price 25 cents.
+
+KNOWLSON'S COMPLETE FARRIER, OR HORSE DOCTOR. All that own a horse
+should possess this work. Price 25 cents.
+
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+Price 25 cents.
+
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+
+THE EMIGRANT SQUIRE. By author of "Bell Brandon." 25 cents.
+
+PHILIP IN SEARCH OF A WIFE. By the author of "Kate in Search of a
+Husband." Price 25 cents.
+
+MYSTERIES OF A CONVENT. By a noted Methodist Preacher. Price 25 cents.
+
+THE ORPHAN SISTERS. It is a tale such as Miss Austen might have been
+proud of, and Goldsmith would not have disowned. It is well told, and
+excites a strong interest. Price 25 cents.
+
+THE DEFORMED. One of the best novels ever written, and THE CHARITY
+SISTER. By Hon. Mrs. Norton. Price 25 cents.
+
+LIFE IN NEW YORK. IN DOORS AND OUT OF DOORS. By the late William Burns.
+Illustrated by Forty Engravings. Price 25 cents.
+
+JENNY AMBROSE; OR, LIFE IN THE EASTERN STATES. An excellent book. Price
+25 cents.
+
+MORETON HALL; OR, THE SPIRITS OF THE HAUNTED HOUSE. A Tale founded on
+Facts. Price 25 cents.
+
+RODY THE ROVER; OR THE RIBBON MAN. An Irish Tale. By William Carleton.
+One volume, octavo. Price 25 cents.
+
+AMERICA'S MISSION. By Rev. Charles Wadsworth. Price 25 cents.
+
+POLITICS IN RELIGION. By Rev. Charles Wadsworth. Price 12-1/2 cts.
+
+
+Professor LIEBIG'S Works on Chemistry.
+
+AGRICULTURAL CHEMISTRY. Chemistry in its application to Agriculture and
+Physiology. Price Twenty-five cents.
+
+ANIMAL CHEMISTRY. Chemistry in its application to Physiology and
+Pathology. Price Twenty-five cents.
+
+FAMILIAR LETTERS ON CHEMISTRY, and its relations to Commerce, Physiology
+and Agriculture.
+
+THE POTATO DISEASE. Researches into the motion of the Juices in the
+animal body.
+
+CHEMISTRY AND PHYSICS IN RELATION TO PHYSIOLOGY AND PATHOLOGY.
+
+T. B. PETERSON also publishes a complete edition of Professor Liebig's
+works on Chemistry, comprising the whole of the above. They are bound in
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+
+
+EXCELLENT SHILLING BOOKS.
+
+THE SEVEN POOR TRAVELLERS. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cts.
+
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+
+SISTER ROSE. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+CHRISTMAS CAROL. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+LIZZIE LEIGH, AND THE MINER'S DAUGHTERS. By Charles Dickens. Price
+12-1/2 cents.
+
+THE CHIMES. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+THE CRICKET ON THE HEARTH. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cts.
+
+BATTLE OF LIFE. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+HAUNTED MAN; AND THE GHOST'S BARGAIN. By Charles Dickens. Price 12-1/2
+cents.
+
+THE YELLOW MASK. From Dickens' Household Words. Price 12-1/2 cts.
+
+A WIFE'S STORY. From Dickens' Household Words. Price 12-1/2 cts.
+
+MOTHER AND STEPMOTHER. By Dickens. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+ODD FELLOWSHIP EXPOSED. With all the Signs, Grips, Pass-words, etc.
+Illustrated. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+MORMONISM EXPOSED. Full of Engravings, and Portraits of the Twelve
+Apostles. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+THE LIFE AND DEATH OF THE REV. JOHN N. MAFFIT; with his Portrait. Price
+12-1/2 cents.
+
+REV. ALBERT BARNES ON THE MAINE LIQUOR LAW. THE THRONE OF INIQUITY; or,
+sustaining Evil by Law. A discourse in behalf of a law prohibiting the
+traffic in intoxicating drinks. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+WOMAN. DISCOURSE ON WOMAN. HER SPHERE, DUTIES, ETC. By Lucretia Mott.
+Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+EUCHRE. THE GAME OF EUCHRE, AND ITS LAWS. By a member of the Euchre Club
+of Philadelphia of Thirty Years' standing. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+DR. BERG'S ANSWER TO ARCHBISHOP HUGHES. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+DR. BERG'S LECTURE ON THE JESUITS. Price 12-1/2 cents.
+
+FRESH FRUITS AND VEGETABLES all the Year round, at Summer prices, and
+how to obtain and have them, with full directions. 12-1/2 cents.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+T. B. PETERSON'S Wholesale & Retail Cheap Book, Magazine, Newspaper,
+Publishing and Bookselling Establishment, is at No. 102 Chestnut Street,
+Philadelphia:
+
+From which place he will supply all orders for any books at all, no
+matter by whom published, in advance of all others, and at publishers'
+lowest cash prices. He respectfully invites Country Merchants,
+Booksellers, Pedlars, Canvassers, Agents, the Trade, Strangers in the
+City, and the public generally, to call and examine his extensive
+collection of all kinds of publications, where they will be sure to find
+all the _best, latest, and cheapest works_ published in this country or
+elsewhere, for sale very low.
+
+
+THE FORGED WILL.
+
+BY EMERSON BENNETT, AUTHOR OF "CLARA MORELAND," "VIOLA," "PIONEER'S
+DAUGHTER," ETC.
+
+THIS CELEBRATED AND BEAUTIFUL WORK is published complete in one large
+volume, of over 300 pages, paper cover, price FIFTY CENTS; or the work
+is handsomely bound in one volume, cloth, gilt, price ONE DOLLAR.
+
+ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND COPIES OF THE FORGED WILL! will be sold in a short
+time, and it will have a run and popularity second only to Uncle Tom's
+Cabin. The Press everywhere are unanimous in its praise, as being one of
+the most powerfully written works in the language.
+
+THE FORGED WILL is truly a celebrated work. It has been running through
+the columns of the Philadelphia Dollar Newspaper, where it has been
+appearing for ten weeks, and has proved itself to be one of the most
+popular nouvelettes that has ever appeared in the columns of any
+newspaper in this country. Before the fourth paper appeared, the back
+numbers, (although several thousand extra of the three former numbers
+were printed,) could not be obtained at any price, and the publishers of
+the paper were forced to issue a Supplement sheet of the first three
+papers of it, for new subscribers to their paper, which induced the
+publisher to make an arrangement with the popular author to bring it out
+in a beautiful style for the thousands that wish it in book form.
+
+If Emerson Bennett had never written his many delightful and thrilling
+stories of border life, of prairie scenes, and Indian warfare, this new
+story of the 'Forged Will' would have placed his name on the record as
+one of the best of American novelists. The scenes, principally, of this
+most captivating novel, are laid in the city of New York; and most
+glowingly the author pictures to us how the guilty may, for a time,
+escape the justice of the law, but only to feel the heavy hand of
+retribution sooner or later; how vice may, for a time, triumph over
+virtue, but only for a time; how crime may lie concealed, until its very
+security breeds exposure; how true virtue gives way to no temptation,
+but bears the ills of life with patience, hoping for a better day, and
+rejoices triumphant in the end. In short, from base hypocrisy he tears
+the veil that hides its huge deformity, and gives a true picture of life
+as it exists in the crowded city. We do cordially recommend this book
+for its excellent moral. It is one that should be circulated, for it
+_must_ do good.
+
+Price for the complete work, in one volume, in paper cover, Fifty Cents
+only; or a finer edition, printed on thicker and better paper, and
+handsomely bound in one volume, muslin, gilt, is published for One
+Dollar.
+
+ * * * * *
+
+T. B. PETERSON also publishes the following works by Emerson Bennett,
+either or all of which will be sent by mail, free of postage, to any
+one, on receipt of the prices annexed to them. All should send for one
+or more of them at once. No one will ever regret the money sent.
+
+CLARA MORELAND; or, Adventures in the Far South-West. By Emerson
+Bennett, author of the "The Forged Will," "Viola," etc. This has proved
+to be one of the most popular and powerful nouvelettes ever written in
+America, 336 pages. Price Fifty Cents in paper covers, or ONE DOLLAR in
+cloth, gilt.
+
+THE PIONEER'S DAUGHTER. By Emerson Bennett, author of "Clara Moreland,"
+"Forged Will," etc. Price 50 cents.
+
+WALDE-WARREN, a Tale of Circumstantial Evidence. By Emerson Bennett,
+author of "Viola," "Pioneer's Daughter," etc. Price 25 cents.
+
+VIOLA; or, Adventures in the Far South-West. By Emerson Bennett, author
+of "The Pioneer's Daughter," "Walde-Warren," etc. Price 50 cents.
+
+Copies of either edition of the above works will be sent to any person
+at all, to any part of the United States, free of postage, on their
+remitting the price of the edition they wish, to the publisher, in a
+letter, post paid. Published and for Sale by
+
+ T. B. PETERSON,
+ No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.
+
+
+VIOLA; OR, ADVENTURES IN THE FAR SOUTH-WEST.
+
+BY EMERSON BENNETT, AUTHOR OF "CLARA MORELAND," "FORGED WILL," "KATE
+CLARENDON," "BRIDE OF THE WILDERNESS," "WALDE-WARREN," "PIONEER'S
+DAUGHTER," ETC., ETC.
+
+READ THE FOLLOWING OPINIONS OF THE PRESS:
+
+"We have perused this work with some attention, and do not hesitate to
+pronounce it one of the very best productions of the talented author.
+The scenes are laid in Texas, and the adjoining frontier. There is not a
+page that does not glow with thrilling and interesting incident, and
+will well repay the reader for the time occupied in perusing it. The
+characters are most admirably drawn, and are perfectly natural
+throughout. We have derived so much gratification from the perusal of
+this charming novel, that we are anxious to make our readers share it
+with us; and, at the same time, to recommend it to be read by all
+persons who are fond of romantic adventures. Mr. Bennett is a spirited
+and vigorous writer, and his works deserve to be generally read; not
+only because they are well written, but that they are, in most part,
+taken from events connected with the history of our own country, from
+which much valuable information is derived, and should, therefore, have
+a double claim upon our preference, over those works where the incidents
+are gleaned from the romantic legends of old castles, and foreign
+climes. The book is printed on fine paper, and is in every way got up in
+a style highly creditable to the enterprising publisher."
+
+"It is a spirited tale of frontier life, of which 'Clara Moreland' is
+the sequel and conclusion. Mr. Bennett seems to delight in that field of
+action and adventure, where Cooper won his laurels; and which is perhaps
+the most captivating to the general mind of all the walks of fiction.
+There has been, so far, we think, a steady improvement in his style and
+stories; and his popularity, as a necessary consequence, has been and is
+increasing. One great secret of the popularity of these out-door novels,
+as we may call them, is that there is a freshness and simplicity of the
+open air and natural world about them--free from the closeness,
+intensity and artificiality of the gas-lighted world revealed in works
+that treat of the vices and dissipations of large
+cities."--_Philadelphia Saturday Evening Post._
+
+"This is one of the best productions of Mr. Bennett. The scenes are in
+and near Texas. Every page glows with thrilling interest, and the
+characters are well drawn and sustained. An interesting love plot runs
+through the book, which gives a faithful representation of life in the
+far South-West. Mr. Peterson has issued Viola in his usual neat style,
+and it is destined to have a great run."--_Clinton Tribune._
+
+"We have received the above work and found time to give it an
+examination. The scenes are laid mostly in Texas, and pictured with all
+the vividness for which the author is so celebrated. Those who are
+particularly fond of wild and romantic adventures may safely calculate
+upon finding 'Viola' suited to their taste. It is well written and
+handsomely printed."--_Daily Journal, Chicago, Ill._
+
+"It is a very interesting book. The scenes of this most exciting and
+interesting Romance are found in Texas before and during the late
+Mexican war. It is written with much spirit and pathos, and abounds in
+stirring incidents and adventures, and has an interesting and romantic
+love-plot interwoven with it; and is a faithful representation of 'Life
+in the Far South-West.' The author of 'Viola,' will rank among the most
+popular of American Novelists, and aided by the great energy and
+enterprise of his publisher, T. B. Peterson, is fast becoming a general
+favorite."--_Gazette, Rhinebeck, N. Y._
+
+"This thrilling and interesting novel--equal to anything the celebrated
+author ever wrote--has been issued in a fifty cent volume; and we would
+advise every one who wants to get the value of his money, to get the
+book. Bennett's works are the most interesting of any now
+published."--_Western Emporium, Germantown, Ohio._
+
+THIS BEAUTIFUL AND CELEBRATED WORK is published complete in one large
+volume of near 300 pages, paper cover, price FIFTY CENTS; or the work is
+handsomely bound in one volume, cloth, gilt, price SEVENTY-FIVE CENTS.
+
+Copies of either edition of the above work will be sent to any person at
+all, to any part of the United States, free of postage, on their
+remitting the price of the edition they wish, to the publisher, in a
+letter, post-paid. Published and for Sale by
+
+ T. B. PETERSON,
+No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia
+
+
+THE ROMAN TRAITOR; OR, THE DAYS OF CICERO, CATO AND CATALINE.
+
+BY HENRY WILLIAM HERBERT, AUTHOR OF "CROMWELL," "THE BROTHERS," ETC.
+
+
+READ THE FOLLOWING OPINIONS OF THE PRESS ABOUT IT.
+
+_From the Philadelphia Saturday Courier, of Sept. 10th, 1853._
+
+"This historical romance is the most powerfully wrought work which the
+indomitable genius of the author has ever produced; and is amply
+sufficient of itself to stamp the writer as a powerful man. The
+startling schemes and plots which preceded the overthrow of the great
+Roman Republic, afford ample scope for his well-practised pen, and we
+may add he has not only been fortunate in producing a work of such
+masterly pretensions, but Mr. Herbert is equally so in the good taste,
+energy, and tact of his enterprising publisher. The book is admirably
+brought out, and altogether may be set down as one of Peterson's 'great
+hits' in literature."
+
+_From the Philadelphia Daily Pennsylvanian, of Sept. 8th, 1853._
+
+"The author has made one of his happiest efforts, and given in this
+volume a tale which will stand the test of the most rigid criticism, and
+be read by all lovers of literature that embodies the true, the
+thrilling, the powerful, and the sublime. In fact, we would have thought
+it impossible to produce such a tale of the Republic in these latter
+days; but here we have it--Sergius Cataline, Cethegus, Cassius, and the
+rest of that dark band of conspirators, are here displayed in their true
+portraits. Those who have read 'Sallust' with care, will recognize the
+truthful portraiture at a glance, and see the heroes of deep and
+treacherous villainy dressed out in their proper devil-doing character.
+On the other hand, we have Cicero, the orator and true friend of the
+Commonwealth of Rome. We have also his noble contemporaries and
+coadjutors, all in this volume. Would that space permitted for a more
+extended notice, but we are compelled to forbear. One thing is
+certain--if this book contained nothing more than the story of Paullus
+Arvina, it would be a tale of thrilling interest."
+
+_From the Cleveland, Ohio, True Democrat, of Sept. 8th, 1853._
+
+"Those who have perused the former works of this distinguished author,
+will not fail to procure this book--It is a thrilling romance, and the
+characters brought forward, and the interest with which they are
+constantly invested, will insure for it a great run."
+
+_From the Philadelphia City Item, of Sept. 10th, 1853._
+
+"The Roman Traitor demands earnest commendation. It is a powerful
+production--perhaps the highest effort of the brilliant and successful
+author. A thorough historian and a careful thinker, he is well qualified
+to write learnedly of any period of the world's history. The book is
+published in tasteful style, and will adorn the centre-table."
+
+_From the Boston Evening Transcript, of Sept. 6th, 1853._
+
+"This is a powerfully written tale, filled with the thrilling incidents
+which have made the period of which it speaks one of the darkest in the
+history of the Roman Republic. The lovers of excitement will find in its
+pages ample food to gratify a taste for the darker phases of life's
+drama."
+
+_From the Philadelphia Sunday Dispatch, of Sept. 4th, 1853._
+
+"Cataline's conspiracy has been selected by Mr. Herbert as the subject
+of this story. Taking the historical incidents as recorded by the most
+authentic authors, he has woven around them a net-work of incident, love
+and romance, which is stirring and exciting. The faithful manner in
+which the author has adhered to history, and the graphic style in which
+his descriptions abound, stamp this as one of the most excellent of his
+many successful novels."
+
+Price for the complete work, in two volumes, in paper cover, One Dollar
+only; or a finer edition, printed on thicker and better paper, and
+handsomely bound in one volume, muslin, gilt, is published for One
+Dollar and Twenty-five Cents.
+
+Copies of either edition of the work will be sent to any person at all,
+to any part of the United States, free of postage, on their remitting
+the price of the edition they wish to the publisher, in a letter,
+post-paid. Published and for sale by
+
+ T. B. PETERSON,
+No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia
+
+
+THE INITIALS: A STORY OF MODERN LIFE.
+
+Complete in two vols., paper cover, Price One Dollar; or bound in one
+vol., cloth. Price One Dollar and Twenty-Five Cents a copy.
+
+T. B. PETERSON, NO. 102 CHESTNUT STREET, PHILADELPHIA, has just
+published this celebrated and world-renowned work. It will be found on
+perusal to be one of the best, as it is one of the most celebrated works
+ever published in the English language, and will live, and continue to
+be read for generations to come, and rank by the side of Sir Walter
+Scott's celebrated novels.
+
+READ THE TABLE OF CONTENTS
+
+ CHAPTER
+ I. The Letter.
+ II. The Initials
+ III. A. Z.
+ IV. A Walk of no common Description.
+ V. An Alp.
+ VI. Secularized Cloisters.
+ VII. An Excursion, and Return to the Secularized Cloisters.
+ VIII. An Alpine Party.
+ IX. Salzburg.
+ X. The Return to Munich.
+ XI. The Betrothal.
+ XII. Domestic Details.
+ XIII. A Truce.
+ XIV. A New Way to Learn German.
+ XV. The October Fete. A Lesson on Propriety of Conduct.
+ XVI. The Au Fair. The Supper.
+ XVII. Lovers' Quarrels.
+ XVIII. The Churchyard.
+ XIX. German Soup.
+ XX. The Warning.
+ XXI. The Struggle.
+ XXII. The Departure.
+ XXIII. The Long Day.
+ XXIV. The Christmas Tree, and Midnight Mass.
+ XXV. The Garret.
+ XXVI. The Discussion.
+ XXVII. The Sledge.
+ XXVIII. A Ball at the Museum Club.
+ XXIX. A Day of Freedom.
+ XXX. The Masquerade.
+ XXXI. Where is the Bridegroom?
+ XXXII. The Wedding at Troisieme.
+ XXXIII. A Change.
+ XXXIV. The Arrangement.
+ XXXV. The Difficulty Removed.
+ XXXVI. The Iron Works.
+ XXXVII. An Unexpected Meeting, and its Consequences.
+ XXXVIII. The Experiment.
+ XXXIX. The Recall.
+ XL. Hohenfels.
+ XLI. The Scheiben-Schiessen, (Target Shooting-Match.)
+ XLII. A Discourse.
+ XLIII. Another kind of Discourse.
+ XLIV. The Journey Home Commences.
+ XLV. What occurred at the Hotel D'Angle-terre in Frankfort.
+ XLVI. Halt!
+ XLVII. Conclusion.
+
+Copies of either edition of the work will be sent to any person, to any
+part of the United States, _free of postage_, on their remitting the
+price of the edition they may wish, to the publisher, in a letter.
+
+Published and for sale by T. B. PETERSON, No. 102 Chestnut St.,
+Philadelphia To whom all Orders should be addressed, post-paid.
+
+
+CLARA MORELAND.
+
+BY EMERSON BENNETT.
+
+Price Fifty Cents in Paper Cover; or, One Dollar in Cloth, Gilt.
+
+READ THE FOLLOWING OPINIONS OF THE PRESS.
+
+"This is decidedly the best novel Mr. Bennett has written. He tells his
+story well, and while leading the reader over the prairies of Texas into
+the haunts of the wild Indians, or among the equally savage bands of
+lawless men, that once were the terror of that country; he presents the
+remarkable transitions in the fortunes of his hero, in a manner which,
+though often startling, are yet within the bounds of probability. His
+dialogue is good, growing easily out of the situation and condition of
+the interlocutors, and presenting occasionally, especially in response,
+an epigrammatic poise, that is worthy of all praise. The plot abounds
+with adventure, and presents many scenes of startling interest, while
+the denouement is such as to amply satisfy the most fastidious reader's
+ideas of poetical justice. We would add a few words of praise for the
+excellent style in which this book is gotten up. It is well printed on
+good paper, and bound in a manner to correspond with the quality of its
+typography."--_Arthur's Home Gazette._
+
+"This is the best of Mr. Bennett's books. It is a brilliant and
+thrilling production, and will particularly interest all who love to
+read of life in the West and South-West. A love story runs through the
+volume, lending grace and finish to it. Mr. Peterson has issued the book
+in very handsome style; the type is new and of honest size, the binding
+is strong and pretty, the paper is firm and white, and the
+embellishments are eminently creditable. Clara Moreland should command a
+large sale."--_Philadelphia City Item._
+
+"On looking more carefully through this racy, spirited narrative of
+thrilling scenes and well-told adventures, we meet with beauties that
+escape a casual observation. Mr. Bennett is a keen discoverer of
+character, and paints his portraits so true to nature as to carry the
+reader with him through all his wild wanderings and with unabated
+interest. The author of 'Clara Moreland' takes rank among the most
+popular American novelists, and aided by the great energy of his
+publisher is fast becoming a general favorite."--_McMackin's Model
+Saturday Courier._
+
+"Emerson Bennett has written some very creditable productions. This is
+one of his longest, and is well received. Mr. Bennett is a favorite
+author with Western readers. It is illustrated and well
+printed."--_Philadelphia Dollar Newspaper._
+
+"It is a tale of wild border life and exciting incident, bustle, and
+turmoil."--_Philadelphia North American._
+
+"Mr. Bennett is, in some measure, a new man in this section of the
+universe, and, as such, our reading public are bound to give him a
+cordial greeting, not only for this, but for the sake of that
+wide-spread popularity which he has achieved in the mighty West, and
+more especially for the intrinsic excellence that distinguishes his
+glowing, brilliant productions, of which 'Clara Moreland' may be
+pronounced the best."--_Philadelphia Saturday Courier._
+
+"This work is of the most exciting character, and will be enjoyed by all
+who have a cultivated taste."--_Baltimore Sun._
+
+"The scene of this interesting Romance lies in Texas before or during
+the late war with Mexico. It is written with a great deal of spirit; it
+abounds in stirring incidents and adventures, has a good love-plot
+interwoven with it, and is in many respects a faithful representation of
+Life in the Far South-West. Mr. Bennett is destined to great popularity,
+especially at the South and West. His publisher has issued this book in
+a very handsome style."--_Philadelphia Evening Bulletin._
+
+"This is a thrilling story of frontier life, full of incident, and
+graphically sketched. It is published in a good style."--_Philadelphia
+Public Ledger._
+
+"This is a spirited narrative of stirring scenes, by Emerson Bennett.
+Those who love daring adventure and hair-breadth escapes will find it an
+engaging book."--_Detroit, Mich., Paper._
+
+"It is a thrilling narrative of South-Western adventure, illustrated by
+numerous engravings."--_Detroit, Mich., Paper._
+
+"It is a wondrous story of thrilling adventures and hair-breadth
+escapes, the scene of which is laid in the South-West. The book is
+illustrated with engravings representing some of the exciting events
+narrated by the writer."--_Detroit, Mich., Paper._
+
+"It is a work replete with stirring adventure. Romance, incident, and
+accident, are blended together so as to form a highly interesting work
+of 334 pages."--_New York Picayune._
+
+ Published and for sale by T. B. PETERSON,
+No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia
+
+
+WILD OATS SOWN ABROAD; OR, ON AND OFF SOUNDINGS,
+
+BY A GENTLEMEN OF LEISURE.
+
+A NEW AND EXQUISITELY ORIGINAL WORK.
+
+Have you read it? If not, then do so.
+
+Price Fifty Cents in Paper; or Seventy Five Cents in Cloth.
+
+Wild Oats Sown Abroad is a splendid work. It is the Private Journal of a
+Gentleman of Leisure and Education, and of a highly cultivated mind, in
+making the Tour of Europe. It is having a sale unprecedented in the
+annals of literature, for nothing equal to it in spiciness, vivacity,
+and real scenes and observations in daily travel, has ever appeared from
+the press.
+
+TABLE OF CONTENTS OF THIS EXTRAORDINARY WORK.
+
+ Opening the Journal.
+ Adventure in search of Ruin.
+ Parting Tribute to Love.
+ Three Desperate Days!
+ The Poetry of Sea-Sickness.
+ The Red Flannel Night-Cap.
+ A Ship by Moonlight.
+ Arrival in London.
+ The Parks of London.
+ Poet's Corner, Westminster Abbey.
+ England's Monuments.
+ Madame Tussaud's Wax Works.
+ The "Beauties" of Hampton Court.
+ Love and Philosophy.
+ "Love's Labor Lost."
+ A Peep at "The Shades."
+ The Modern "Aspasia."
+ Noble Plea for Matrimony.
+ The Lily on the Shore.
+ English Mother and American Daughter.
+ The "Maid of Normandie."
+ An Effecting Scene.
+ "Paris est un Artist."
+ The Guillotine.
+ "Give us Another!"
+ Post Mortem Reflections.
+ Fashionable Criticism.
+ Whiskey Punch and Logic.
+ "Shylock asks for Justice!"
+ "Lorette" and "Grisette."
+ Kissing Day.
+ The Tattoo.
+ The Masked Ball.
+ The Incognita.
+ The Charms of Paris.
+ Changing Horses.
+ A View in Lyons.
+ Avignon--Petrarch and Laura.
+ Our First Ruin.
+ The Unconscious Blessing.
+ A Crash and a Wreck.
+ The Railroad of Life.
+ A Night Adventure.
+ "The Gods take care of Cato."
+ The Triumphs of Neptune.
+ The Marquisi's Foot.
+ Beauties of Naples Bay.
+ Natural History of the Lazaroni.
+ The True Venus.
+ Love and Devotion.
+ The Mortality of Pompeii.
+ Procession of the Host.
+ The Ascent of Vesuvius.
+ The Mountain Emetic.
+ The Human Projectile.
+ The City of the Soul.
+ The Coup de Main.
+ Night in the Coliseum!
+ Catholicity Considered.
+ Power Passing Away!
+ Byron Among the Ruins.
+ A Gossip with the Artists.
+ Speaking Gems.
+ "Weep for Adonis!"
+ The Lady and the God.
+ The Science of Psalmistry.
+ "Sour Grapes."
+ A Ramble about Tivoli.
+ Illumination of St. Peter's.
+ The "Niobe of Nations."
+ A Ghostly Scene!
+ "Honi soit qui mal y pense."
+ A "Ball" without Music.
+ Abelard and Heloise.
+ Scenes on the Road.
+ The "Tug of War."
+ "There they are, by Jove!"
+ The Raven-Haired One!
+ Heaven and Hell!
+ The "Hamlet" of Sculpture.
+ The Modern Susannah.
+ Hey, Presto! Change!
+ The Death Scene of Cleopatra.
+ An Eulogy on Tuscany.
+ A Real Claude Sunset.
+ Tasso and Byron.
+ The Shocking Team!
+ Floatings in Venice.
+ The Venetian Girls.
+ The Bell-Crowned Hat!
+ The "Lion's Mouth."
+ The "Bridge of Sighs!"
+ A Subterranean Fete!
+ Byron and Moore in Venice.
+ Diana and Endymion.
+ The Pinch of Snuff.
+ The Rock-Crystal Coffin!
+ Eccentricity of Art.
+ Thoughts in a Monastery.
+ The Lake of Como.
+ Immortal Drummer Boy.
+ Wit, and its Reward!
+ The Cold Bath.
+ "Here we are!"
+ The Mountain Expose.
+ The "Last Rose of Summer."
+ Waking the Echoes.
+ Watching the Avalanche.
+ A Beautiful Incident.
+ A Shot with the Long Bow.
+ Mt. Blanc and a full stop.
+
+Price for the complete work, in paper cover, Fifty cents a copy only; or
+handsomely bound in muslin, gilt, for Seventy-Five cents.
+
+Copies of either edition of the work will be sent to any person at all,
+to any part of the United States, free of postage, on their remitting
+the price of the edition they wish, to the publisher, in a letter, post
+paid.
+
+ Published and for sale by T. B. PETERSON,
+No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia
+
+
+T. B. PETERSON'S WHOLESALE AND RETAIL
+
+Cheap Book, Magazine, Newspaper, Publishing and Bookselling
+Establishment, is at No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia.
+
+T. B. PETERSON has the satisfaction to announce to the public, that he
+has removed to the new and spacious BROWN STONE BUILDING, NO. 102
+CHESTNUT STREET, just completed by the city authorities on the Girard
+Estate, known as the most central and best situation in the city of
+Philadelphia. As it is the Model Book Store of the Country, we will
+describe it: It is the largest, most spacious, and best arranged Retail
+and Wholesale Cheap Book and Publishing Establishment in the United
+States. It is built, by the Girard Estate, of Connecticut sand-stone, in
+a richly ornamental style. The whole front of the lower story, except
+that taken up by the doorway, is occupied by two large plate glass
+windows, a single plate to each window, costing together over three
+thousand dollars. On entering and looking up, you find above you a
+ceiling sixteen feet high; while, on gazing before, you perceive a vista
+of One Hundred and Fifty-Seven feet. The retail counters extend back for
+eighty feet, and, being double, afford counter-room of One Hundred and
+Sixty feet in length. There is also _over Three Thousand feet of
+shelving in the retail part of the store alone_. This part is devoted to
+the retail business, and as it is the most spacious in the country,
+furnishes also the best and largest assortment of all kinds of books to
+be found in the country. It is fitted up in the most superb style; the
+shelvings are all painted in Florence white, with gilded cornices for
+the book shelves.
+
+Behind the retail part of the store, at about ninety feet from the
+entrance, is the counting-room, twenty feet square, railed neatly off,
+and surmounted by a most beautiful dome of stained glass. In the rear of
+this is the wholesale and packing department, extending a further
+distance of about sixty feet, with desks and packing counters for the
+establishment, etc., etc. All goods are received and shipped from the
+back of the store, having a fine avenue on the side of Girard Bank for
+the purpose, leading out to Third Street, so as not to interfere with
+and block up the front of the store on Chestnut Street. The cellar, of
+the entire depth of the store, is filled with printed copies of Mr.
+Peterson's own publications, printed from his own stereotype plates, of
+which he generally keeps on hand an edition of a thousand each, making a
+stock, of his own publications alone, of over three hundred thousand
+volumes, constantly on hand.
+
+T. B. PETERSON is warranted in saying, that he is able to offer such
+inducements to the Trade, and all others, to favor him with their
+orders, as cannot be excelled by any book establishment in the country.
+In proof of this, T. B. PETERSON begs leave to refer to his great
+facilities of getting stock of all kinds, his dealing direct with all
+the Publishing Houses in the country, and also to his own long list of
+Publications, consisting of the best and most popular productions of the
+most talented authors of the United States and Great Britain, and to his
+very extensive stock, embracing every work, new or old, published in the
+United States.
+
+T. B. PETERSON will be most happy to supply all orders for any books at
+all, no matter by whom published, in advance of all others, and at
+publishers' lowest cash prices. He respectfully invites Country
+Merchants, Booksellers, Pedlars, Canvassers, Agents, the Trade,
+Strangers in the city, and the public generally, to call and examine his
+extensive collection of cheap and standard publications of all kinds,
+comprising a most magnificent collection of CHEAP BOOKS, MAGAZINES,
+NOVELS, STANDARD and POPULAR WORKS of all kinds, BIBLES, PRAYER BOOKS,
+ANNUALS, GIFT BOOKS, ILLUSTRATED WORKS, ALBUMS and JUVENILE WORKS of all
+kinds, GAMES of all kinds, to suit all ages, tastes, etc., which he is
+selling to his customers and the public at much lower prices than they
+can be purchased elsewhere. Being located at No. 102 CHESTNUT Street,
+the great thoroughfare of the city, and BUYING his stock outright in
+large quantities, and not selling on commission, he can and will sell
+them on such terms as will defy all competition. Call and examine our
+stock, you will find it to be the best, largest and cheapest in the
+city; and you will also be sure to find all the _best, latest, popular,
+and cheapest works_ published in this country or elsewhere, for sale at
+the lowest prices.
+
+" Call in person and examine our stock, or send your orders _by mail
+direct_, to the CHEAP BOOKSELLING and PUBLISHING ESTABLISHMENT of
+
+ T. B. PETERSON,
+No. 102 Chestnut Street, Philadelphia
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's The Humors of Falconbridge, by Jonathan F. Kelley
+
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